•w„ !S
.■*^, \
•i^" *T
^- '•:
■^ ^"HiS^^
^'^
<^.;
:., V-
THE UNIVERSITY
OF ILLINOIS
LIBRARY
C
v.e
Ipji
JOS. KUHN & CO.
JOS. KUHN & CO.
118^
JOS. KUHN & CO.
.^
Copyright 1921 Hart Schaffner & Marx
Xr f y-^y
Features of Fall Styles for
Young. Mm
COATS have lower op^gifiit^r" longer ij^rrower lapels;
softer draping. Two or thre^butf^*iTiodels are good; -v
some have belts. Double-b're'asted suits are popular too. .
And remember that all-wool fabrics and good tailoring are the >
right basis for good style. You'll get it all in our clothes made
by Hart, Schaffner & Marx, and o^ered to you at remarkably
low prices.
<
Central Illinois' Greatest Store for M^/ *'.
33-35-37 Main St.
Champaign. 111.
ore
■C
Getting Tired
By .I.C.F.
M_v l)r(i\v is wvi —
DislioiU'st s\vc:il
Is wetter vcl.
I'm on my ;;imnl
To i-limli the hill —
Not tiike a spill
And slip bac-kward
l''i-iim llifilicst lidpc
or kii<)wle(lf?t'. Nope.
>;(it yvi. "Ill p:iril.
I'm working less.
Ainbitiouless?
You make a i;ness.
Fur it's not hard
To guess and y;rin
When I'm all iu :
A>hen I get mired.
I show some speed
( Since there's no need I
At getting tired.
+
i
We cliiim to give our patrons
the Finest
Photo
Finishing
in the Twin Cities.
('om]det(' slock of Kast-
man Koilaks aii<l I'llnis.
Picture Framing that is Dis-
tinctive and Different.
LESLIE'S DRUG
STORE
URBANA, ILL.
Adding Machine
He — How long have you been
engaged ?
Siu — This time. oi- all together".'
—Lord -IrlJ.
S
Willie went lisliiiig with his
l>ad and nnknown to Willie. I»ad
liaile<l his hook with a ndnnow in-
stead of the usual worm. After
live iiunutes of angling, Willie
pulled his hook out of the water
1o look at it and spied the min-
now dangling there.
••Oh look daddy." cried Willie.
"I caught a sardine".
^ S
He was ]deading for a kiss.
•'You've let me kiss yon l)efore."
"1 know it."
"Tlu'U why not now'.'"
'•.My conscience hurts."
"Oh tiial's all rij;li1." he saiii
relievedly. ••I'll kiss yon on the
lips."
..+ +.•
— ♦
I
I
+ .
ATHLETIC EQUIPMENT
A satisfied customer is worth more t) us tlian
any other advertising. Our athletic goods nuist
gi\e satisfaction. Our stock is complete
We Guarantee — Buy Where You Get Satisfaction
KNOWLTON & BENNETT
lie lyfoi] ill Hvcnj Lnir We Viirrii
URBANA
ANNOUNCING
THE OPENING
OF
KENNEDY? O
ANDIE O
IN THE NEW
BUILDING
605 E. Green St.
I i
[11
I
I
!
4
503704
STUDENT
LAMPS
OF EVERY DESCRIPTION
We Cany a
Line That Will
Please You
LOOK 'EM
0\^R
IDEAL ELECTRIC
CONSTRUCTION CO.
OpposHc Innuni Hotel
*
YOU'LL UKE IT
at the
" Delicat "
ON THIRD ST.
Wheie service is ahvays
clean and food is ahvays
\\holesome ana
appetizing
OPEN
UNTIL
MIDNIGHT
Of Puritans
Wr'rr (ill been .'^irrariii;/ ill the
I'lirildiix.
lie kiioir Hint their i.s u break
iritli the iHist nije, and we are
edijer Ut assist in the revolt. ^Ve
have, a (jreat many of lis, made
our war-cry "Damn the Puritans".
AH that ice do not like, nil that
ofiiire.sses us, ire hlaiiie on "Con-
teiiijnirary Puritanism."
The SJREN has just been eon-
rerted to another vicir.
Our Doctor Stuart P. Sherniun,
writing in the Sejjtember Atlan-
tic, under the title "What is a
Puritan?", has imth sane brilli-
ance knocked all the prevailing
notions of Puritanism into a cock-
ed hat. No attempt can here be
made at a review, but it is im-
jios.sible to forbear a quotation.
'A good
G. A. OSTRAND
Prop.
+. — ™ — „ — ., — ., — ., — „ — „. — ,. — .. — „ — „ — .^,
iiiaiiy ages before
Koine was foinided, or Athens, or
Ancient Troy, or Babylon, or
Xineveli, there was an umbragious
banyan tree in India, in whose
wide-spieading toj) and populous
branches red and blue baboons,
chimpanzees, gorillas, orang-ou-
tangs, and a missing group of an-
thropoid ape.s had chattered and
fought an<l flirted and feasted and
intoxicated themselves on coconut
wine (or a thousand years. At
some date which I can't i\x with
accuracy, the clatter and mess
and wrangling of arborial simian
society began to pall on the heart
of one of the anthrojinid apes.
He was not happy. He was afflict
cd with ennui. He felt stirring
somewhere in the region of his
diaphragm a yearning and a ca-
pacity for a new life. His ideas
were vague; but he resolved to
make a break for freedom and
try an experiuuuit. He crawled
nervously out to the end of his
branch, followed by a few of his
friends, hesitated a moment; then
exclaimed abruptly, 'Here's where
[ get off,' dropped to the ground.
lighted on his feet, and amid a
pelting of decayed fruit and coco-
nut shells and derisive shouts of
•l)recisian' and 'hypocrite", walked
I iff on his hind legs to another
(piai'ter of the jungle and founded
the luunan race. That wa.s the lirst
Puritan."
I'll is article in its entirety,
irhich is urgently recommended
to you, has caused the Old Girl
to "about face'' in her unregener-
iite tracks and declare that hence-
forlli, come what may, she is a
Puritan.
S
She: Oh, dont call me Miss
Jones.
He (Just introduced I : ^^'llat
shall I call you, dear?
She: ify nanu' is Jliss Smith.
—Lord Jeff.
S
''How can I keep my toes from
going to .sleep?"
''Dont let them turn in.''
—North Star.
I
Things
Electrical
Stcdent La»[ps
Electric Iboxs
Toasters
FiXTURKS
We do Expert Wiring
CHANDLER
ELECTRIC
SHOP
107 W. Main St.
I
I
I
[2J
To My Landlord
Keep, O my friend, yotir Croesan Wealth.
And keep your costly Inintiuf; hounds.
Your limousines and spacious j;rounds —
So be it I may keep my liealth :
Health, and mere wlierewitiial to pay
For goodly meals of tender steak.
And small baked tish. and frosted cake.
And for my pipe, at elo.se of day.
For I can till my worthy tum.
And smoke thereafter, most content.
Forgetful of my next month's rent.
And heedless of the wrath to come;
While you your mealtimes disarrange.
And exercise your intellect
80 that my rent you can collect.
Keep all, Ljindlordl I wont exchange!
— Phiitias I'ir/i/''.
-S-
A Frame-up
"Fm sorry to have to do this." said little
•lolinny. as he spread the jam on the baliy's face,
•but I can't have suspicion pointing its linger at
me."— EVERYBODY'S ilAGAZIXE.
"Topics of the Day" Fihns.
Films Developed
and Printed
25c Per Roll— Any Size
ScuiI '2Tw per roll of si.\ which we
w ill develop, prinl and i-eturn same day
i-eceived. 'A cents rebated on ail blank,
imperfect or non-iirintal)le tilms. High-
est grade professional workmanshi]!
guaranteed. Perfect .system insures
.igainst any possilile loss of tilms.
8x10 Enlargement Free
Enclose any favorite old negative with
your order and we will make you a hand-
some 8 X 10 enlargement free, if you send
us name and address of another Kodaker.
20"^ Saved on All Photo
Supplies
Your first 25c order brings coupons
and membership privilege in our co-opera-
tive buying service, giving you 209r cash
saving on cameras, films and all standard
photo supplies. Money back guarantee.
MAIL ORDER FILM SERVICE
Box Milwaukee, Wis.
Announcing the opening
of a newer, finer
ruder .same management with
the Court House Cafe.
Cafeteria
A CAFETERIA ]>1STI .\"( MISIIED
FROM THE REST BY THE Sl-
PREME QFALITY ()F ITS FOOD
AND THE CLEANLINESS OF ITS
SERVICE.
Now open to
students
Gilliland's
Cafeteria
IKBANA
Race Street, .lust ott' Main
— +
i
■+
-+
I
■■+
[3]
G. W. Lawrence
Music Store
Tlif only jilacc you liavc a
choice of rcconls. ('(iliiiiil)ia.
\'ictor, or ISniiiswick. Cul-
uiiil)in, Jtriiiiswick ami \"ic
lor plioiiogra]ilis.
Come ill and let us demon.strate
the different tones for you.
We also have a large line
of string instruments and
Saxaplioiies.
G. W. LAWRENCE
112 W. Main Street
URBANA
t A Friendly Warning
("Oir llic Hccord")
^^'(■ know tliat Missouri is tlic
best state in till' I'nion and pro-
duces "everytliinii" ; tint we are
asKinished to lind tliat we pro-
duce such an animal as is describ-
ed in this, from the De Kalb Trib-
une :
1'lfIS is "Some ("ow".
FOR SALE — A cow that gives
li\e (|uaits of milk a day, a set of
fiolf sticks, a set of law l)ooks. and
a very tine overcoat.
lA't US suggest that you pur-
cbase this iihenoniinal animal for
fear the "Heef Trust" miglit ob-
tain the same, then we can see
your "hnish". Voii might inter-
est certain other manufacturers
in securing a part interest in this
apoilicfic animal. — L. AV. Boolier.
S
I
1
I
■4
("rawlish and Sliad —
( 'rawlish and Shad —
A\'lien Hush ^Veek is o\-er
The I'^rosh are in Had !
Dance
Programs
PARKER FOUNTAIN
PENS
STATIONERY
BULLETINS
Our work has a quality and
distinctiveness that we feel
certain will appeal
to you
GEO. D. LOUDEN
PRINTING
CO.
]V(ihiiil St.. ClKiiii iMiiini
— +
Now Featuring
Electrical Goods
student lamps at $2.50, $3.50 and up. Drop cord, sockets,
switches, plugs, Mazda lamps, flashlights, liatterie.s, irons,
and all kinds of electrical fittings for making a good study
light.
Fountain Pens
A very large stock of Nationally )\iiown Pens selected for
easy writing qualities and large ink capacity, from $l.oo uii.
The New 50-cent Evershaip. Ivorlne pens in Colo's, and
the Large Lifetime Pens are in stock.
KODAK
FINISHING
We will maintain tlie
sanifi liigli standard
for Kodak Finishing
Results as in past
years. Film left be-
fore 0:00 is ready
after r-:30. We carry
a large stock of Ko-
daks and fresh sup-
plies.
The Hume of Good
Photo Finishing
1
STRAUCH PHOTO -CRAFT HOUSE
Adjoining Campus at 625 So. Wright Street
I4|
MAKE THIS
YOUR BANK
Your account is welcome at
this bank whether large or
small. No charge for service
or advice.
A GOOD BANK IN A GOOD TOWN
FIRST STATE BANK
URBANA
i.'.j
iMiiiiiiiMiaiiniiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiMiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiMiiiiiiniiiiiiMiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitviiiM
The Store in the Center of the 600 Block on Green St.
TEXT BOOKS
NEW AND SECOND HAND
llltllllMIIIIIIIIIIIIKIIl IIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII lllllllllllllltllllDIIHIIIIIMIIII
I Engineering and Artist Supplies
j i Stationery and Music
I I Spalding Athletic Equipment
I Fountain Pens
I i Leather Note Books
IIMIMIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIllllllllllllllllMltllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllR
Service Saving
Satisfaction
STUDENTCUPPLYCTORE
'ervice f Ja-s/irK^ f Ja^ isfaci ion
I 606 East Green Street |
I "Chuck" Bailey managers Shelby Himes |
a 5
ITiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiniiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitiiii^
[6]
Heury Saginaw Bush, up from Hoopsake Hollow, Kentucky, for a liberal education, is on his fir.st
College Day confronted by the Widow Schlink, to whom he ha.s applied for lodging and cookies. Tlie
Widow, after informing Henry that there might be a room left at the rate of twenty fivg or thirty
berries a month, is asking some few impersonal questions, such as Do you smoke? Are you honest?
Do you go to church? How old are you? What do your Folks amount to where you come from?
Henry, whose Daddy told him that he'd find the No'thuhners a funny lot. is a bit nonplussed but
is bearing up manfully, since he has two more addresses on bis list.
[7J
T. v. BoritLANOj IJditor
MoitciAX I. Fitch, Busiiicsfi M<jr.
Lem Pliillijis
A. L. Straus
Agnes ^'I■o(Mll:lIl
O. D. Binge
John Lawder
L. M. Stormont
P. B. Bass
Kex Saffer
. Leonard Hnnt
W. P. Lindley
(iiioKiJE H. SwiTZKK, Art Editor
<i. \. BrcHAXAX, Jr. Coiitril)utiii<j Editor
Jai'k Titti.e, E-rrlKiiii/c I'dilor
Art
C. W. Banglunaii
M. E. Ma IX
John J. Bresee
E. W. Honian
Beatrice Adams
Elmer Marx
Shannon Meriwether
Elizabeth Boggs
P. Ackerman
Business
G. E. Darling
E. J. Weber
E. Ferguson
J. A. Nnckolls
H. Fechtnian
E. F. Lethen
L. E. Fortier
E. D. Fowler
Puhlishcd nioiitlilfi l)i/ tlir llliiii I'liblisliiiu/ Coiiipaii!/, E nirrrsiti/ of Illinois dnriiif/ thr collcf/r year. En-
tered as sccovd-class matter at the postoffi<-e at Urhaiia, Illinois, liii ad oi Confiress, March J, ISlil.
Office of ptMicatio)h Illiiii Puhlishing CUniijHiii!/. Suhscriittian jiricr. SI.-'iO Ihr i/'tir local, -fH.!'.') hi/ mail.
Address all communications to v.tf Vniversifi/ Hall, Inhana, Illinois.
THE OLD (JIEL. rXDEK THE ISrAL NEW
management, proposes with the nsiial complac-
ency tlmt she do the nsnal (ireat tilings. All tlie
otiier magazines, paiievs. Iiroclnires, and prospecti
are doing it, so why nut tlie (>1<I <iiil?
The SIREN liit Ikt stride — or slionldn't it be
'stroke', since she is in-csnniahly an aipiatic crcatnre?
— some years ago, and now considers tliat her dnty
will be amjdy consummated if ]>y liic end (if tlie bnig
ami hectic year that's coming siie will iiave nplield
former standards.
Natnrally. no self respecting Siren will let tra-
ditions retard an occasiunal forward strcike. One
iinist keep abreast (if the times. Therefore with the
limes will the SI KEX deal; lier pictured youths
will not wear half-incli collars when three-quarter-
iiu'h collars are en i-ci/le; iier (juips will deal but
rarely with oysters when the name of tlie current
month lacks the letrer K; to crown all, the SIREN
will never, never, never print diatribes against tlie
Toddle, so help her Jlrs. Castle!
The Old (Jirls triune of attributes, inventoried
in 'seventeen by -Mr. Kaiiliaelson as "Nonsense,
Satire, Criticism", will be assiduously kept in view,
for these three attributes are the pure white gems
of her treasury.
Nonsense makes you smile — nay, laugh at in-
tervals, and that is good.
Satire nuikes you think within yourself, '"I've
often said so myself," — and that is good.
Criticism makes you point your finger, saying,
".Mind that, In-ol lici- !" -aucl that is good .-ilso.
[S]
HREN
A lt'>;.s (It'sirnlile triune of ;ittrilnit»'s. which has
tTujiped up in the weedy spots of all college maga-
zines, will be avoided. These thi-ee are Smut, Cyni-
cism, and High Seriousness.
Smut intrigues the iiudesiraltles — and thai is
had.
Cynicism rei>el.s healthy people, and that is had.
High Seriousness isn't had. but it belongs to
the seminars, the pulpits, and the bridge tables —
and in no wise do the.se things concern the Old
(lirl.
X'lW. with these things in her seductive eyes,
the SIKEX bids you good morning, and asks for
your sympathy, sup]>ort. kindly criticism, and gen-
eral tolerance.
There's quite a year ahead.
OF ACTIVITY lAZ AND ACTIVITY JAKE LET
this be said: that their intentions, though good,
are far too numerous. That students should have
pursuits, apart from study, in which to e.\ercise in-
itiative and bear responsibility, is without doul>t a
laudable principle, but that activities should mul-
tiply, di\ide, and multiply again is deplorable.
Here at Illinois, clubs, fraternities professional
and extra -professional, guilds honorary and senii-
sub-rosa. saltals with constitutions, societies for the
advancement of je-ne-sais-quoi, associations of stam-
merers, grocers'-grandsons, ])eople from Bo.skertown.
Texas, tuba-players, nature-lovers, red-heads, pink-
heads, white^heads, and fat-heads — have become so
numerous that in pledging sea.son the campus looks
like a Sausage Stutters' Convention with ribbons.
and the average weskit become tattered over the
heart within a month.
Doubtless, if the alisurdity flourishes, otticial
curb will be put upon it. Since that would cause
much pouting among the undergraduates, together
with a touch of So]dioinore Bolshevism, the intelli-
gent solution of the problem seems to be the exer
ci.se of individual intelligence by the student him
self.
AVhen three gather together over a coke-lemon,
and discover that they are all interested in ])sycho
analysis, or Babe Ruth, or tliat they all linii> cm the
left foot, let them not l>uy pins and write a consti-
tution and arrauge for a meeting a fortnight come
Tuesday; rather let them cherish secretly that com-
mon bond of theirs, and meet modestly ami inf<u-mal-
ly some other day — ovci' liftcen cents wniih of coke-
lemon plus war tax.
In a large university, there is excuse for a large
nundter of student organizations.
But if the proper quota of frats, here at Illinois,
has not been exceeded by forty percent, the Siren
will iguominiously eat her Easter bonnet.
Man has been diversely defined.
Here, he is a pin-bearing animal.
-S-
Yl] lawyers, corporals in KOTC. students in Ec.
1. and "thinking persons'' in general — give a
Thought to disarmament.
In the Atlantic for August of this year. Mr.
Frank I. Cobb writes :
"And so Europe was plunged in blood in con-
sequence of a military panic that had its origin in
an economic emergency, which in turn was produced
by competitive armament.''
And on the other side of this fence of words
is what Mr. Lybyer might have pictured as a num-
ber of bank robT>ers. forgathered unexpectedly about
a safe, and eyeing one another with mingled sus-
picion and professional sympathy.
Figure it out to yourself.
LAST YEAK. WHEN 1>K. AVOULBERT ingen-
iously pieced together the words "Build that
Stadium for Fighting lllini" there was brought
into being a slogan which is at this time literally
sweeping the country. For the Fighting lllini. the
men who gave body, brains, and life itself to the
service of civilization, and f(U- the men who, in the
future, will give freely of their mind and body and
time on the athletic field, the financial framework
of a great Stadium is being erected under our eyes.
(rivers are everj"where, from coast to coast and
beyond the coasts, for as excellent a project as it
has ever been our jirivilege to support.
[9]
JIREN
'ram-US : Coiildu't s\vv[> a wink last iiiglit on ai-c-ouul of that lobstei'.
I rsns: And 1 couldn't either — on account of that confounded cat.
Tanrns: JIv dcai- fellow I 1 Yon eat cats ?
Hoch der Hokku!
A IK II' n rsr fitriii is inside inir midst. Tin
]lol;kii. \o Iioiiic is iioir (■(niiplitf iritlioiit ii hokku.
IV. — Angry
The s.)utheasl wind l)lo\>s like licll — \m\\ — imfl' — -
I'ntr -
A nnt di-oi)s to till' pMciiicnt.
/;( the Illinois Mdf/dziiir. mid in otJicr inof/iizincs
di iiihd til Tliiiii/s nf llir spirit. ]Vli(lt is it? Simple. V. — Sunday
A rrrsr <i)iil<ii nini/ s,ri iitn n si/lliitiirs, and I'.rprcss- The strident hell of Ihe Hij; IJeii cnts lh,-oiij;h tin-
///// an iiniiiiitii — ii drtiriilr sjiiidr of ficliii;/ — (I lilt- icvaiv!
(nice — iin ruiip dt itoisrttc. Pay no heed '
It tscfiiis til have come from ■lupnii. irliire those
iiitrrrstinii littli- piiipic liiini/ out, and it's very, very VI. — Coca Cola
Iiii/litiroir. \ot III hr oiitdonr tiy llir i ntilliyciicia The Sun .shines on Ihe street with heat waves;
of the III. Man.. II" N//>'/>.V offrr-s tlir folloiriny :— Nol.ody knows how dry J am.
scn-ntriii si/llahlis — no inure, iin less:
I— Futility
The crescent moon i-ises about ten o'clock this
weather:
I can't help it.
//. — Grandma
liidcr the jnni|icr tree she sits all day.
Cliewiny Star tobacco.
VII.— Finish
l)o yon think there is anythinji in this Hokku stuff"/
Neither do 1.
-S-
III.— Shudder
1 thouiiht a -Inne Hnsi ]>erched n]ion my shoulder-
yet—
This is S(Mitc'ndier !
Veil! Veil!
Scene: ICli-valor in Chicago Beach Hotel.
Just Arrived: Are there many (ientiles here
Habitue: Not enonyh to be annoying.
IIOJ
JIKEN
00|Op»|C3l!OtaC3»«»«;, « H ••IM^'^^C
Thomas: I'll i)lay the Ihrcc-lcill on tlic (•unicr . .
.IciTold : Veil — and I'll dii tli<' saiiic witli my walcli if yim makf the point.
Oh, Summer! Sweet
Summer !
A i.yrical Uci>oi-l
Lust Sid-iiiji, Alas. I took cx-
aiiis too (U-eii for my invention,
anil so (lesiiitc my Insty damns I
fliiid<(Ml |iast contiavcntion ; my
parents, all inimical, i-cniaiked 1
was a fool, an<l so, no lonjier eyni-
cal, I went to Siimmei' Seliool.
Now Summer School is not, my
friends, a pill of ill digesting, nor
vet a gronj) of Odds and Kn<ls,
too lazy e'n foi- resting. I found,
iudeed, that barring heat, 'twas
like the Winter Session — except,
instead of Politics, the Teachers
luid ])osse.ssi()n.
a * ^:- -^
I'rom Iloopsnake Heights and
Kinderhook. Chicago and Ska
poose, they came with goggle and
with book, and hair done np real
loose. The youngish chaps with
white neck-ties, and older girls
with freckles, all gathered that
llicy might be wise, on Chemistry I'm glad I went to Summer
and Spreckles, on iMlucatioii One School, for (jnite a flock of reas-
and Three, on History and Art. ons, to wil : I've learned a simple
on Hebrew and < iengraphy, and rule to occujjy the seasons; I've
\>'oidswor1h. jiart by part. They met with joy the High School
sat about 'most everywhere, and UAks who ediu-.-ile the Nation . . .
talked in ernest tones of what ''
Doc. I'anl said of \'oltaire, or Krb l!ni what llio\iglil most my lar-
of overtones. nyx chokes, is this: I'm OFV
r KOI! AT I ox:
--- « -r- "f
S ■
These educators of the young Tea and Oreen Hiver —
filled me with admiration, be- 'Pi'a and tireen Hiver —
cause I knew their brain and AA'hen danciii"
tongue, would mold i)\ir future ]( ij.,,(
uation. And while in class 1 used (Jood manners
to sit and watch their waving q',, shiver.
hands, while they I he Lamp of
Knowledge lit. and Time poured
out his Sands: with awe plain-
written <in my face I'd think how
these same birds, would go ami
hand the Human Uacc these same
ex|i('nsi\c words. While tears of
Joy pouri'd down my face I'd thiid'C
how they would mold my graml-
cliildren to lill the place theii-
(Jr.-mddad used to hold.
-S-
Marjie have you licen smok-
ing'.'"
"Xo, niollier."
•••I!ut yiMll- lil-eatii smells of to-
bacco."
"l^'atlier kissc<l mi' good-bye."
"Mul lallier doesn'i smoke."
"I know it nioilicr. bnl his steu
on does."
[11]
imEN
1970?
The moon was a dissk of gold.
Fevdaiaiul Meeqiie aud Neva
Roberts were seated on a rustic
liencli in a spot snrronnde<l witli
tall lilac bnslies. Only tlic confid-
ing moonbeams drifted through
to disturb tlie ecstacy of these
lovers. Or, should T say the ec-
stacy of oue of tlic lovers? For
Neva was uot the ecstatic Icind.
She had come to scliool with a
view to accomplishing a very def-
inite purpose. Neva was going 1o
do welfare work. She often said,
''I shall attempt to devise ways
to educate these poor slum child-
ren. Even tliough they arc infer-
ior, they have some possibilities."
"Neva, dear, you know I love
you'', ventured Ferdie, meekly.
On this particular evening he had
firmly resolved to uid>urden to
her the thoughts that had occu-
pied his mind for many days.
He slipped a trendjling arm
about her waist. She did not ob-
ject — so he squeezed, oh — ever so
little, but quite enough to send a
shiver thru his delicate anatomy.
She adjusted her horn-rim glasses
and said, "I know you do, Ferdin-
and. You are very delightful —
and I like you. But I can never
marry. My poor slum children
must be cared for."
"Damn", said Ferdie — and Neva
was insulted. Slie would not lis-
ten to explanation or apology.
Ferdinand Meeque left Iier. He
was broken in spirit.
The old moon seemed to smile.
Why shouldn't the old moon
r
•• —
\
I
w
^
\
4j
151 .
/
^j
The football player is a gent
Deserving of respect ;
(3f his prowess he's reticent ;
He'.s modest, we suspect.
Oh look at him, my pretty dear,
Kegard him kick that ball —
Hut if yon look too long, I fear
Y'ou'll be due for a fall.
For little girls he fascinates —
Tliough not by liis intention —
And so, my dears, I pray tlie
Fates
To derange your attention.
S
That evil wishes come home to
roost is illustrated in "The Cat
and The Canary".
smile. He and Ferdie were the
sole possessors of a secret. None
but they knew that the cause
which provoked the quarrel was
a painful burn on Ferdie's neck,
Neva always was a bit careless in
handling her cigarettes. — J.L.
Popular Superstitions
1. That the left hind foot of
a rabbit is lucky if you have the
rest of the rabbit.
12. Tiiat it is unlucky to slee]!
thirteen in a bed.
3. It is fatal to cut your liii-
ger-nails while holding tlie scis-
sors with both liaiids.
1. That ill fortune will pur-
sue one who calls on the Dean of
Men with one shoe on.
5. That lobster salad and ice
cream should never be eaten to-
gether on Wednesday.
(>. Tliat a diamond watch,
worn about the left wrist on a
platinum band, will secure one
from Jninger in time of need.
7. That to step over a thumb
tack averts ill fortune.
8. That a pole-kitten, car.rjed
in a reticule, will keep one's
enemies at a distance.
9. That passing under a lad-
der is considered unlucky. Al-
ways climb over it, especially if
it lies flat on the ground.
10. That a man, splitting wood
in August, signifies that an early
winter will ensue.
• — S
Anacreontic
Hear lies dear \\'illiani Jennings
Stew
Wlio mixed a mash for liis home
brew ;
The stuff exploded with a crash
Now William Jennings is the
masli. — A.L.S.
te - .
If 1 had my choice
Of numerous madames
I'd choo.se one by Brinkley
Or Beatrice Adams.
,DRAV/^ &y £zATR|[:5 Ai\/^/\y® o
[121
A Word of Caution to
Contributors
The SIRE^' iuvites your atten-
tion to this short iuventory of
material which she does not care
ti) print, in the hope that you will
iiDt waste time in jireparing ami
sulimittiug it :
]. "Wheezes about the iSouth
("ampus, containing the words
Spooning, Crooning, ami Moon-
ing.
'2. Diatribes for ami againsi T.
X.E.
;!. Jokes dependant on vulgar-
ity for their kick.
i. Jokes from whieh necessary
vulgarity has been expurgated.
.">. Limericks that do not scan.
G. Slush, including political
jiropaganda.
7. Insults to any worthy cause.
institutions, or person.
S. Flattery of any unworthy
cau.se, institution, or person.
9. Drawings copied from collar
a.ls.
10. Drawings copied from La Tic
Parisieinic.
* * * it
These ten Verbotcii — etfects may
seem, at first blush, to eliminate
all legitimate College Magazine
subjects. Consider them a bit. and
it will be evident that hundreds
of things are left to write ■ and
draw. The Old Girl wants your
contributions, wishes you to have
a wide range in the selection of
subjects, urges you to draw on
your own imaginations, and de-
crees that the above ten items be
I'liminated from your work.
Better a blank page than a page
of rot. —The Editor.
S .
Questions Which Have
Bothered Me
I. How dues a cow feel when it
lows ?
II. Does tripe grow on tri-
pods ?
III. AVhat does a clianielion
taste like? — Summer Scout.
IN MEMORIAM
RAOUL HARVEY
Who has drunk his last
bidon of shellac, and tittered
his last morsel of home-
grown philosophy which was :
"Be warned by my fate,
lioys, and stick to the known
lirands I"
Green Street in Summer
Pairs of spectacled girls, talk-
ing in low, passionate tones of
Domestic Science in Palestine.
Young men without neckties, hold-
ing up the Arcade and telling the
story about the two travelling
men. Mature persons in white
cravats on their way to the Ag
building and a glass of Bulgar-
Lac. Solemn pedagogues with
their coats on, wiping their fore-
heads with silk kerchiefs. BoIi
headed cuties in knee-lengths,
trotting over to Mosi"s with bi^
strong men. Tall ladies in white
flounces, buying talcum powder
and picture post-cards at local
sliops. Stiulents of Enginwn'ing.
hustling home to play the Sex-
tette on their Cornets. — Summer
Scout.
S
jmEN
Homecoming !
Next month — Homecoming !
The only truly independent part
of a man's — and a woman's — life
is that four years in college. Be-
fore college the average man has
to run errands for and report to
The Folks, and after college lie
has to run errands for and report
to The Dearest Little Woman in
the world.
Therefore, once a year, the grad"
casts off the rue and decks iiim-
.self with roses, and comes Ijack
to Alma for an inde])endent week-
end.
He'll be back here — next month,
independent as a South American
Socialist.
Let's give him a welcome he'll
never forget.
S
"My business is getting rotten,"
said the horseman, as he gazed on
his dead trotter.
.Miss Watsiname playi'd on her
harp
In the dangerous key of 1' sliari);
The sweet melodic
Killed the fish in the sea.
Excepting, naturlich, the catp.
Obviously
Hungry diner: "A la carte or
a regular dinner?"
Waitress : "Fll have yoti know
we serve dinners on a plate, not
a cart."— A.L.S.
[13]
JIREN
I
.Alli-^S BlKl), till! WEAllNAK MOTH— as far as an.v
one knows she has no Given Name — is with ns, as
nsnal. All day long she takes notes from a ]>latoon
of Worn Books, and looks Annoyed whenever some
Blade comes in to Meet a Friend. Yes, she will
tea ell.
CORIOLANUS BUFORI) JAMES, tlie CONFER-
ENCE HOUND, who is always to he spotted across
the table from a weary jirof, asking said prof, all
ahont what the Futnre holds for Diligent Young
Men, and what Coriolanns ought to read. He is
morbidlj' keen after advice, and likes to Talk Ser-
iously with the Older Men. Too intelligent to waste
his time, and too stupid to know when he is wasting
it, Coriolanns will (loiil)lless live long and prosper
in moderation.
TERRY MAC DOI'dALL, this years ATHLETIC
WHITE HOPE, who is always with us in some in
carnation or other, is somewhat confused at the
Fame that has been thrusi upon him. and constantly
reflects that he did not receive so much attention
back in Shady Dell. He is here shown after being
introduced to the Most Popular Girl; Jack, the Man
About the Arcade, who did the introducing, looks
on with the feeling that he is in Darn (Jood Com-
pany.
[14]
JIREN
GOKDON PULITZER (iOHDOX. wixi is iin.iiiiiu'iil
on the llini. is liaviiifi liis niuruiiij; .lilie at tlio Daily
Trill, r-roiii the Cartoon to the A\'aiit Ads, Gordon
tells the AA'orld what a (lood Xewspaiicr should be
like. Then lie will <^n over to The Office, read jiroof.
and let some such headliue as "Bolsheviki Fish for
Avbitratiou'' slip by him. Year after next he hopes
to be a Leg Man for Mister Hearst.
I'AI'L •DIKUV Hi.AKi:iii;i.\i. ili.' SCMMIA.M
«»K HI{AI^LI•:^■. learned lo ilaii<-e wIhmi lie was iliir-
teen and has never learned anylliin<i since, lie
knows lOvervliody, and l^xerybody knows liini. lie
will ])roliably Lasl nntil lie is a •liinior. When llie
Saxes sliike up. and Dnliliy j;c1s a lirm };rip on
the Lucky (iiiTs shoulder blade, e\eiybody stands
around with llieir .Monlirs .Vjar. Which is iii\aii
ablv niisnndersIoi)d li\- Ihihliw
FLOUKV SllAl'IKt), Ihe I I'.OOK (illOl^N. is shown
liei-e in an inliiiiale pose in ilie Sisterhood I'lione
Hoofh. IIa\in<4: been called down Three l''li};lils troni
her Koiidoir by some A\'ell Uressed P'ratler who has
ilecided that lie will he Lonesome lliree weeks come
Friday. l'"lorry isn't Sure, but is consnilinj; The
Hook. I'^indinj; the {'veuiu}; N'acanl. she confers Ilaji-
l)iness on the f^ratter. In jiisl two weeks will call
his Number and tell him .VII about .Molliei's e.\-
jiected arrival and issue liain ("hecks.
[15]
HHEN
A Sonnet
Entitled, Nous Somme Id Parceque Nou
Sommes Ici
We sit, O Lenvned Doctoi-, at your feet,
And daily, witii our ciistly foiuitaiii pens,
Tal<e notes concernin;; Hdinu Sapiens,
And calcnlus and plant disease and Crete;
And when yon say "Black's white I" we write il
down.
And when yon prove it trne we acipnesce.
Knowing t'nll well no errors efi'ervesee,
Beliind the stately ranijiart of your frown ;
Foi', thongli onr brains are shronded in a foy.
And though onr jioor )ier(eptions are ([uite rongli.
And thongh a1 times yon leave ns ohfnseated.
We daily stay to hear your nionolog.
Because we know it we stay long enough
We will, in (iod's good time, be educated.
S
Ike: See any change in me?
Mike: No. Why?
Ike: -Inst swallowed a cent.
S
NoAV and then one hears of a case of offended
delicacy.
Usually a reversion to the olden times, where
once, in Jlerrie England, a judge was executed for
ruling that a certain archbishop was a mammal.
If a spade isn't a spade, Tt^hat is it?
S
Cautionary Jigtime
Cigarettes
And jdaying cards,
ilake bad pets
xVs Camelpards;
If you would see
A goodlj' span
Of years, don't be
A betting man.
And if you would
Not stunt your growth,
Forgo for good
The fags, on oath.
Or so they
Say.
Now we've Fatima cigarettes, Fatiina hooks and
nets,
Fatima Turkish candy, anything that's handy.
Anything Oriental, anything ornamental.
They name it for that dame, to bring the product
fame.
Now Mary wants to live in far off Turkey cross the
sea,
"Cause whenever any fellow came to tarry,
A^'liy she could wear a veil and no one her face
■could see;
Then maybe she could get someone to marry. — A.L.S.
[16]
The Horrible Ug
A Psychodrama of the Wooziworld
SCENE. A gloomy, disco unigeil, liealli, with a lew
trees.
TIME. Midni-lit. (How can you ask?)
rEKSO>v'!S. The Ug.
Pragmatic Paul, the Philosophs' I'ride.
CURTAIN RI8ES. ENTER PAUL, PROM TRAP
DOOR.
Paul: 1 hate janitors! To be kicked out — and 'tis
only midnight. The seminars should hv i>])en
all night. The restaurants are.
(A low moan is heard. Paul lights a cigarette)
What a disgusting illusion !
(The HORRIBLE UO enters, from an old P.A. can
which lies up.stage. AYaves arms, glares, drools,
and groans.)
The Ug: Owooo — Awooo — Uwooo — Fish!
Paul : I beg your pardon. Dont you feel well ?
(The Ug attempts to raise one eyebrow, but it has
no eyebrows. Yet one can .see that the Ug is
nonplussed.)
The Ug: Oooooo — wufi Oooooo — wuf!
Paul: Who are you?
The Ug: I'm a ghost, you (lund)-hell.
Paul: I see. But have you a stomacli ache?
(The Ug is aghast)
The Ug : Why, no.
Paul: Then why all the noise? Y'ou'U be arrested,
yon know.
The Ug: (P>right('niug up a bit) That's to scare
you with.
Paul : But you dont scare me.
The Ug: AYuf! E-e-e-eek! Ow-wooo! J)oesii"l liiaL
scare you?
Paul: No.
The Ug : Why not ?
Paul: Because I know all about ghosts.
The Ug: Goodness gracious! Yon dont tell me!
A^■llere did you learn?
Paul: In books, and from my teachers. I am a
major in Philosophy you know.
The Ug: (Cordially) Shake! I was a major in the
Crimean War!
(Paul e.xtends a languid handi
Paul: Then how did you get way over here?
The Ug: (All downcast) Oh. a simple great-grand
daughter of mine got to fo(ding witii a Weejy
Board, and called me up.
I'anl : (With .sympathy) I understand. They arc
very inconsiderate. But you cant amount to
much up there in Heaven, as we call it, for con
venience, — if you fool with Ouija calls.
Ug: tBluslies a light French gray) You're
right. I dont amount to much. I'm only a be-
ginner, anyway, and the highbrows wont have
much to do with me. There's a gang of us that
The
(Continued on Page Thirty-One)
117]
JIREN
Bk Bmrw ®f Soumiui'dPsiplg^.g)..
HriiKj II diiij tit dill] t'hriiiiiili- of thi I>iii:ii/s nj iiiir
iij ilir Main/.
SEI'TEM. 22. — ri>, the morn, at an early hour to
do battle with the iiiilliuj; hordes seckiug adiiiissiou
to my Lord Kiiiley's catch-as-catch-cau self"scr\ ice
knowledge dispensary. Saw many of the old flock
an<l fell heir to a drink purcliased by the sweat of
a loving father's brow. So tlirough the intricacies
of being signed on for the strviggle ami s.p lo lied.
oVrcome with tlie rush of rushing.
SEPTEil. 2:'..— I»iil this day To the .Mart in
tent on bargaining tor a fur trimmed I'.enny against
the ravages of a cold winicr ami Southern Camjius
dating, but found the war yet on despite Sir (iame
liel'.s advices to the contrary. Tapped the Eating
Club larder for a ham -for", and so to the cov(M-let,
refreshed.
SEPTEM. 24.— rp and about among the glad
ln\iulers recently retuined for the Fall ("oncpiests.
Sir James of the .MacDonalds down from the High-
lamls and cheerful despite his fratermil relations.
To bed early rather than list long to his Honey-Dew
raphsodizing (?l, a weakness of those of the School
Politic, and of the Johnsonian bent.
SEPTEM. 2.").— Saw My Lord, the Kt. Kev. Rex
Salter buying a coke for one of the Soprano Sex
tJiis morn. Not e"en a sunm^er in the Southland
seems to teacli the ol<l dogs new tricks it seemeth.
Odds Bloods, but Sir .liinmy and Sir Hank should
well acclaim the rclurii of such as )ny Lord Satfer
to their clutches.
SEPTEM. 2(;. — AI(out. (his day, in new wine-
colored waist-coat, same ha\ing olitained its colour
at la niaison <lu "Ike" HInmlieim, .Viigust last, where
]>re-\'olsteadian camaraderie still exists. Hcmoved
it after the noon repast, for it brings fond memories
that needs must be checked in the Litter day in
flnences of the Knowledge I'^icttiry.
SEPTEM. 2S.— Learning today that a cat has
nine lives I no longer wondci- at the longevity of that
old iladame (iossiji whom the good .Madame Pep-
less so thoroughly detests. A (piestion which in
truth had puzzled me for long. So thr<nigh my ]ioii-
dering, and to th<' couch. — S.P.
Let's Dope Out Some New Traditions
Let's inaugurate the custom of walking sideways
w believer we pass a Janitor. Let's throw our caps
ill the air whenever we pass the Administration
IJiiilding. Let's make it customary for men to smoke
bulldog pii)es with a picture of Zup on the bowl,
and for women to decorate their noses with Orange
and Klue talcum. Let's have a barbecue in the yard
of the T'rbana Court Hou.se every Michaelmas. Let's
have ilixers on Monday. Tribal Reunions on Tues-
day. AA'raiigles on ^^'ednesday, Turnvereins on Thurs-
day, Frolicks on Fi-iday. Smokers on Satunlay, and
Soirees on Sunday.
Let's be College!-
-^ S
The Bandoleers
A new school of philosophy is attaining emin-
ence. Its exponents are known as the Bandoleers,
ill deference to their almost universal use of Band-
oline. Their beliefs are the sittings of the ages, the
high spots in all former philosophies, the climax of
civilization.
From the teachings of Zeno they have taken
the Poker face.
From Epicurus they haxc derived a delight in
Syiup and Ice Cream.
I'roni ^Mencius they ha\(' learned Pride in Fam-
ily.
I'^rom the <!reeks in general they have taken an
interest in The Dance.
Xeitsclie and Carlyle ha\e told tliem of the
Superman, and l>i-. Frank Crane has told them that
lliey themselves are that very Suiiermaii.
Wilde and <i. B. Shaw have e(piipped them with
epigrams.
Be a BANDOLEER.
S
••The trouble with these here new Windsor
Chairs," said Late Jabson of Still Valley. Kaintnek,
"is that a feller has to stand n]) to get a drink".
[18]
Reverse English
An Eiiglisli sdlilicr \v;is j;niiliii^
a i);u-ty of Aiiu'i-icaii tmirisis
tliroiitjli the old fort at (Jiicln'c.
As tliey readied a liri-rlitlv polish-
ed little cannon the soldier drew
hiniwlf np and proudly remarked,
'•l^adies and >;entleuien. this is a
cannon the Hritish cai>t\ired at
the battle of Hunker Hill."
"Thafs all rijjht. «dd man,"
yelled an American, -you got the
cannon, we '^«X the hill."
A.L.S.
S
If Music Be the Food
of Love
Pierrot: i Sings i
I'a-a-le hands I loved licsidc the
Shaliuiar —
I'a-a-a-le hainls. peeiik-teeped
like lotus buds —
Pierrette: i Speaks from afari
Poor, simple l>oyI T drive a
flivver.
S
Invocation
Thought! Tear loose from my
vapid brain I
1 know you're there, but all the
same,
You seem to hide, ^^■hat fool-
ish power
Has chained you in your coi)web
bower? — J.L.
from the.
Boncyard
Antfiolocjy,
1. Llewellyn Smith Smythe.
Coming as J did from the
Metropolis, thought nothing
Of making casual goo-goo eyes
At I'letty little girls
r look a fancy to.
( iood dancers, too —
None of your moose they were.
And 1. a City Man. knew liow
To dance the latest dii)s, and how
To speak a witty, witty line.
And how to tell a barber how my
Lair
AA'as to be cut to make it
^lost etfective. And I knew
Almost at first glance, which
ilirls would kiss at lirst.
And which at second meeting.
All told. I knew much, ami was
An ornament to any divan.
Knowing all this.
As a mere Freshman,
There seemed nothing left
For lue to know —
Till' Honevar<l "ot me.
Mwm
The Last Time I Was
home, the .ludge stopjieil me on
the Court House steps, "riiinias."
lie said, with a twinkle in his
sardonic old eye. "J see the Town
Clock is eight minutes slow."
••How's that. •Judge?" 1 eni|uii-
ed. ••Aren't you putting a good
deal of faith in your watch?"
••It isn't i)y the watch 1 know,
son" he replied. I)'y see that line
of toilers asittiug on the Court
House curb?"
r saw them.
••\\'ell. I'iiiiiias. they move as
the sun mo\es. When the sunlight
hits that elm over there, and the
last man hikes him.self over to the
curb just beyoml it. it's twenty
minutes to ten, this time o'year.
And the Big Clock says twenty-
eight minutes to."
And he left me to ponder.
— Phinias Pigge.
Can't Be Done Doctor —
Cant Be !
.Mrs. Chemist: Xeoptolemus.
lo\c. I fear y<in have killed poor
Tot(t.
Jlr. Chemist: Tmiiossible, "Mar-
india ; 1 have this moment dis-
covered a serum for the pi'olonga-
lion of life!
[13J
Pickup Week— A Monologue
By Agnes Vrooman
jNIary, Yon'ro ju.s" as ii<;lit — Kc-
iiii; ■ Iviisli ('aptaiii is iki jest. 1
iloiit envy Marj' lier job, a-tall.
J>i(lja see Jlarj's face a inimiU'
ago when she went to drag that
Iciiihle I)ow(h'n girl away from
.Miss Frieks? White. Scared? Oli
haliy! tliat Dowdcn would ruin
our chances with any rnshee.
1 dont care if she was touted
liy a National Officer: she's a lein
on. We couldn't even use her in
the kitchen. One peep at that face
at breakfast would sour liie sweet
est day.
Now, whats your idea of the girl
talking to Mai-j now? — the one on
the davenijort? I dont think 1
like her. Name's Gretzheini —
whassat? No, they say not. Of
course, you cant tell; Germany's
a big country. This Gretzheiin
was at the house party, y'know.
She makes awful noises when she
brushes her teeth. S'pose I should
be glad she had some to brush —
or that she brushed 'em a-tall.
No, I dont like her. Dont you
think she seems too much at home?
Self confidence, Helen dear, is the
greatest virtue which it is easiest
for a freshman to have too much
of.
And the girl next to the (}retz-
lieim !
My dear, she's impossible — or
rather too entirely perfec'ly pos-
sible. I picked her up on the board-
walk yesterday morning; she told
me she thought she would get
pearls set in her pin because she
had a pearl necklace and they
would look so nice together. Loid,
what fools these riishees be 1
Speaking of Shakespeare — re-
mend)er that Weaver girl we had
o\er last night? — the one who is
sure Phi Beta Kappa? She trans-
ferred from Belleville because
there was no chapter there and
she wanted to wear the key.
(That's my idea of zero in ambi-
tions I)
AA'ell, they're nice to have in
tlie house. But, niy dear, I'm
afraid I've ruined our chances
with this one. Slug's majoring in
Philosophy — full of her suliject
and all that. Well, she was telling
me all sorts of wild things these
old Goofg had said, and she got
down to the Neo-Platonic system.
I asked her if Neo was Plato's
first name!
My dear, she turned purple, I
beat it as soon as my apologies
could be heard and sent Jean to
talk to her. Jean's a Psych' maj-
or, and I figured she'd be able to
talk in Weaver's language. The
Philosophy and Psychology sem-
inars are in the same room aren't
they?
Well, they sound alike.
The Jones Girl? Really, Helen,
they say she isn't so bad if you
talk to her. I know. Wonderful
eyelashes, but the rest of her face
looks as if it were petrified. I'm
suie I'll never be happy until I've
jtuuched it. Might be like punch-
ing the Great Stone Face, though.
Sure, Helen, her eyelashes are
long enough to marcel, and I'll
even admit that the eyebrows have
possibilities — but you know, my
dear, we would have to pledge the
rest of her face, too.
Miss Brown, now — the one over
by the piano — is adorable. She
was asking about our cups the
other day, and when I took the
Stunt Show one down two June
Bugs fell out — dead, of course. I
was terribly embari"assed and
started to explain that we were
saving them for zoological studies,
but she only laughed and said the
]ioor things had just fallen in and
couldn't get out. I changed the
subject and told her about the
time we made fudge without but-
ter, and greased the pan with cold
cream. She wanted to know how
it tasted, was very much impres-
sed, and said she knew she'd like
college life. I like to hear young
|ieople talk like that — dont you?
The Fo.x girl over there has a
Zeta Eta Theta brother. That
means something, at least, and
her initiation fee would help fill
the treasury. Do you suppose we
could use her for Y. W., or
Woman's League? We simply
have to pledge somebody for Y.
W. now that Frances is out of
the chapter.
There's Marj now — giving me
(Continued on Page Twenty-six)
[201
Look Out
for this
Pun!
The Judge: (At reunion i D'y
know Fat Burns?
TIic Squire : Xo.
Tlie Judge: It does.
S
^.^
Doubt
It's said that there's a pair of
things
A man's a fool to do —
To chase a street-car, and to chase
a girt:
They say there'll he another
Within an hour or so —
Hut Kill she be ax imiidrrful —
as you? — Anon.
S
"Never mind turning on ilic
lights. niotluM-. iiM]);i will make the
moonshine."
Letters of a Globe-
Trotter
H.v A. L. Sir;ms
|i<':ir Kgliert :
Well here we is. down in Ha-
\ana. And n()W I know why tliey
calls ii ihat. ll"s cause it rimes
with Ipanaiia, which is the only
American uftil) we gets down here.
lint yon"li iniilialily say. 'who in
Hector wants to eat in Cnha ?'
^\'hi(■h reminds me. reniemher
\\lieu Hohson tryeil to hot tie up
the S|iaiuards in the hariior hi'i-e?
^\'el us Americans can he darn
jilail he didn't cork things \\\\ here,
eh Kggy? Ha Ha. Well, as I was
lelliii you in my last letter, my
iiro-indaw yoiing Martin who's
down here with me and my wife,
is still in love with the hlonde
nio\ie dame who he's heen foller-
in. All he's done since he's caught
the disease is smoke inuumerahle
of my cigarettes and write home
for more money owing to the fact
that I can imly lend hiiu a few
paltry hundreds at a time. After
every meal, at which he oidy eats
enough for three meu. love having
deprived Mm of his normal appe-
tite, he sits at the tahle till this
queen hreezes out and then rushes
like Paddock to open the door
for her hefore the head waiter can.
thus depriving a poor It), 00(1 a
year man of his daily stipend and
sustenance. Well the other even-
ing the wifee and our hero, mean-
ing me EggT, breezes home from
a show and who do we pipe arm
in arm on the veranda but the
object of unrequited love and this
queen of the cinnamon. And liiiu
looking like he can't wait to break
the glad news to mama. Just then
she throws her arms around liini
like she docs to her lo\-er in the
"Professor's Jlillions" and lie
steps in to plant a kiss on her
liandsoiiu> mug. Which he does.
Vours with live mosquito bites
on my left ankle.
•Tnbhv' .1. .1. .(ones.
JIREN
The Campus Lexicon
ri'ii be published from time to
time in the Sir<'ii i
J'AKLOK TKICKS: Th(! curtain-
talk of the social fakir.
ATHLETE: A i>erson who h.is to
bathe.
■lOlKNALlST: A per.son who
ought to bathe.
l.IXi:: The verbal distance be-
twecii the two conversational
jioints. Hello and (ioodbye.
T( »!' : The mythical part of the
morning. A contrivance to
break even with.
IXTKODUCTIOX: An incanta
tion which makes a Peer out of
a Jlere Person.
("LASS: The students' avocation.
SAXAPHUNE: The Victorious
Trumpet of the Bradley Hall
(iladiators.
lUIOT: Present company except-
ed.
I'lX: The handiest thing in the
world. Takes the place of a
chest protector, a solitaire, or
a personality.
The Higher the Fewer
Sable Kook: Wliato: That's
no way to hold a gun. old tiq)perl
.lolly Huntsman: Bight <>: But
why (lout you fly in the ordinary
ma liner, old fish ?
[21]
Race Hatred -A Dialogue :,';—:
/>')/ .IdllX IjAWIiKI!
I{;m;il\li1ns — \',\i\ tell iiie, do
yon liiMi- wlictlicr iiiMiius lias had
any niisfortnnc at dice, or no?
Ja.nn\iiii \'itac -All. tlicic I
liavc aiiotliei- bad pain. A Uaiik
iMijit, a |H-odit;al who, dare scarce
show his head in the Lilirary. A
l)egj;ar tjiat was used to come so
suuij; upon the caiiipiis. He was
wont to call me with four kinj;s,
when all T had was (ineeiis. Let
jiiin look to his hankioll. He was
used to lend money ajiainst me,
in a crap <;ame. Let liini look to
his banki-oll !
JOncalyptus — ^Kni sni-ely, it lie
forfeit his bankroll, thou wilt not
i-efuse him a I'lii Hela l\a]ipa kep?
"What jiood's that do?
Lignum ^'itae — To make a suck-
er out of him withal. If it will
do nothing else, it will satisfy my
desire for revenge. He hath hiiul-
ered me in many a era]) game. He
hath scorned my straight-flushes,
Thwarted mv bhitfs, laughed at
my losses, mocked at my gains.
cooled my friends and heated mine
enemies. And what's his reason?
I am a I'hi Eeta Kapjia ! Hath
not a riii Bet" hands, glasses? —
fed at the same boarding club,
hurt with the same wea|ioiis. sulr
ject to the same kind of mumps,
cured by the same kind of faith
healer that a T N 10 is? If yon
come out on "seven" do we not
yell? If the dice read "de»iceace"",
do we not laugh? Or. if you tor-
ture us by a long, drawn out pro-
cess of making "Big Dick", do
we not writhe in mental agony?
If a riii Bet" wins a T .\ K"s mon
ey, what's his humility? HE-
^'EX(iE! If T X 10 takes a I'hi
J^efs moneys, what should HIS
sull'erance be by T N 10 exani|)h'?
Why K E-V-EN-G-E? The villany
you teach, I will execute, ami it
will go hard but 1 will better the
Insti'uction I
"Economics in Jig-Time"
)uld sell to you
This clieese at a reduction,
And take in tiade that milk so
blue —
\\liy should you start a rncliou?
(> -Mouse, no ruction will I start;
But there's no use to tease;
Eor fr<im this milk I will not
part,
Becan.se I cant eat cheese.
■s -X- * *
But. Cat of Cats, do you but
think—
The ]-5argaiii you'd he getting!
That milk is blue — nntit to drink:
It's realh most upsetting.
Pooh ! Pooh ! Edison !
(Would not these ten (|uerie
an exclusively College na
balfle the Modern Socrates,
the (treat Questioner himsel
1. What is the dit1ereuc(
tween the Cockroach Canter
the Bee Walk?
H. AA'liat is the easiest
course at Illinois?
:',. What is a thrill?
i. What is a Thesis for
s, ol
ture,
even
f?l
hour
T). What is the difference be-
tween C-nunus and D-i>lus?
(i. Who wrote the words to "My
Hortense" ?
7. ^^'hat is the a\erage life <d'
,1 Naiuty Case?
y. What is the average life of
a Hair Net?
!). ^^'hat is the |irice id' a Spe
eial Examination?
10. Who lives on .lohn Street,
and Whv".' — Summer .Scout.
\\'ell. Mouse of ndne, 1 must admit
i ha\e been somewhat hasty:
Indeed, now that I think of it.
That cheese must be ([uite tasty.
Our Cat, like others of his ilk,
Eell for the cheese, and bid it.
Our Mouse made more cheese from
the milk;
( I doiil know how he <lid it I
The ('at. who later starved to
death.
From shiaidiings anatomic.
Should teach us not to waste our
breath
(>n yiersons economic.
[22
The Story of the Stadium
l>v S. l»ix Uauwooii
Once \ii)iiii a tiiiu' ilicrc was as iiiiuli exi-lusive-
ui'ss and aloofiii'ss in bfiiij; an alumnus of the I'ni-
veisity of Illinois as ilicic is now in heint; a nieni-
her of Sciilililors" or ilic Hoof ami Horn t-lnli. One
had to accumulate some hundred-odd creilits, wear
a rented caji and gown in an academic procession,
and pay a <1i|iloiiia fee, cash down — no live-dollar
bill, no diploma. And that was that. HiU the aliiimii
ffice of the University and
iho.se who know the Hlini
tribe best have changed the
meaning of the word. Carl
Stephens of the A.Q.I'.X..
Elmer Ekhl.-iw. and Sam
Kaiihaelson iiave learnetl
that Oner (in llliiii. (iliriijix
(III mini. So now, an alnni-
nus of the I'niversity of
Hliuois is anyone who ever
registered here. There are
thirty five thousand of tis.
In the last campaign for
funds from the state legis-
lature, these one-tinu' stu-
dents proved that a degree
is not the only label for
Illinois loyalty.
To every one of tliese
thirty rive tliou.saud alumni
there will be mailed soon a
book called TJif Stori/ of
the Stadinni as a reminder
of the old days, and as a
projihecy of the days to
come.
The most U'iticeaiile thing about The Storj/ of
thr Siadiiini is that it is good to look at. It is
meant, of course, to be a short account of the sta-
dium project, and to recall to everyone the two or
three or four years spent here on the cam|>us.
The cover of the book is to lie of dark liliic with
a little label of orange and blue, winch gives the
w<u-k a character of its own and makes it well worth
a place in an lllini library next to the lllin.
"Within, the story of the stadium is to be printed
on buff colored i)ai)er. The front ispie<'e, here re-
produced, is a drawing by I'roehl. class of "ID. of
the first lllini. the Indians themselves, seated around
autumn football crowds. Hut the illustration which
must have re(|uire(l the greatest amount of lalior
and which best reproduces the Illinois Spirit is that
a camp lire. There are smaller ilecoral ions and
decorative drawings thronglioni liie work, also by
I'roehl. showing the old flag rush in front of the
(iym .\nnex. an event familiar to lllinoisiaus of
the 'nineties before the advent of the push-ball con-
test, also now a thing of the i)ast. The artist has
also made attractive drawings in black and white
of the anditorinni. tramp day scenes, ami also
of the interior of the (iym
.\nnex on the day of the
big mass meeting, when tin*
stadium c-ampaigii opened.
(^uile in a different maii-
n<'r from the other illustra-
tive matter is the bas-re-
lief of <:. Huff, ma.le by
Antonio .M. Taleruo. "L'l,
.•in alumnus from the IMiil-
liliine Islands. The concej)-
lioii is nnconventi(uial. and
certaiidy dilferent from the
Hurt' sketches and draw-
ings to which we have been
accustomed. It emphasizes
the rnggedness of the face
and head, which surely
iinisi be a jiart of evevy
former student's memory of
the athletic director. The
face is heavily seamed —
far too much for realistic
lidelity — but all the more
jdeasiiig because of the
crea to r's ima ginat ion.
There is character in the
work, and vision and understanding. i|nalities all
cons|)icuous]y lacking in most niidergradnate art.
1 do not know whether or not raterno has been
contributing ti> nii<lei-graduale pnblicniions : if nut,
it is a I'ity.
-Most |)relenl idiis of all the art work is a two
[)age illustration of the whole stadium design, which
is to occu|iy the center pages of the book.
Of the ]>rinicil contents there is much to be
.saiil in prai.se: how often \\e do remendier beauties
of illnstrati<ni and fyiiography carrying along an
abysmal dullness of the iMiuled page. In selecting
material, the writer has been fairly inclusive, ami
lu> narrates his story with .1 stininlaling kind of
exuberance. There iiiiulil have been a few more
(("ontinni'd on pagi' twenty eight 1
[23]
AHiO eljevhere
Walk doicii Green Htreet!
Or Mivhigan Avenue in fine
iccather.
Or Hal.sted Street,
Or the Champs EJysees —
Any old street!
Walk observant, jiluof,
Watclifiil, sneeriug,
Infiiiitely superior;
Look at the people!
IxPgai'd tliem, pity them.
Classify tlieui.
Look at the people
Passing liy.
(Ircat sjiort ;
J'liilosojiliixin;/
On a croicded si reel.
Isn't it?
Look at the people —
Faces, faces, faces.
Faces of Youth,
Age, Lusty health,
Piety, Madness —
Faces ....
They hurry like the devil.
They loaf along like
Influential angels.
They loll in taxis,
Percli in flivvers,
Or — like you and me —
Stand still and
Philosophise.
That is hetter, hrother,
Is it not:' Thanlc God
Thai ire arc not as other
Men — tJiat our faces
Arc not the faces
Of this mol).
Faces of Youth —
Full lipped, open eyed,
Intent upon itself.
Racing to a class,
To a restaurant,
To an amour, a meeting,
A game, a night's long
Slumber — it's all one
To Youth.
Tliere.are flappers, cute
As can be. Bound to live
If it kills them.
There are serious, heavy
Young women with bt)oks;
Serious, pale young men.
Pockets filled with pencils ;
Sprightl,v young men there are.
With careful hair;
Solid young men. who smoke a
cigar
After each meal — one and no
more.
Intellectual young men.
Talking abo\it the Weltschnierz.
About you, about me, al)out
Themselves — no matter —
So tliey be talking, talking.
Is it not fortunate, Brother,
That ijoih and I are ahore
All thisf
Look at the faces I
Faces of Age —
Heads like the skulls fliey are.
Taper-lit on All Saints Fve.
Benignant sometimes,
And sometimes briglit
^Mtli Time's own tolerance —
And sometimes Age walks
Mumbling and glaring;
Drooling about the change
That's wrecked the world
Since they were at the helm.
(These wild young people!
Alack-a-day for the day
Of my youth ! ) Now see
The solid Business ilan,
Neatly tailored, hat a-tilt,
Chewing a cigar. See liim ])anse
With an acquaintance,
And talk about profits.
And baseball, and losses.
And the wives of friends.
See the f^it travelling men,
Sweating wrathfully liclwceu
calls,
Bellowing for cooling drinks.
See the sinful, sad, local fellows.
Cranking their Buicks.
See the Professors, on their way
To ask for a book that will not
]<]ver be in stock. (}ood I'l-ofes-
sors;
A little cynical, perhaps.
Perhaps a little weary. Perhajjs
It were better, brother, that we
Do not laugh at them too much.
(Cotinued on Page Twenty-Six)
[24]
DICK MINER
Plumbing and Heating Contractor
IDEAL HEATING
BOILERS
riidiic .M.iiii ."idl
219 West Main Street
URRANA. ILLINOIS
t
!
I
I
i
I
a
■+
- +
i
I
i
I
I
I
I
I
+■■
I
+—
s^lZ2 O
<^s
mU(->k
a:)-
atmosphere
makes the difference
that is why you always feel
at home at
Ami llic ill-illlcs 1;islc hctlci-
(;(Ki (il-iMMl S(l<'i'l
I
I
I
I
I
■+
[2r.]
— From —
Apperson's Little Plumber
L. W. Apperson
Plumbing and Heating
Phone Main 906
120 S. Race St. URBANA
Pure
Ice
Cream
TRY OUR BOSTONS
TUey Are fiprcinl
Schulefs
On Main Street
CHAMPAIGN
t)* 111— .11 .lu III! nil-.— iHi..~iii> nil nil nil nn iiii iii{*
Pick-up Week
(Continued from Page Twenty)
the High Sign. AVheii she wiiiks
her h^ft eye and scratclies her
right ear it means "Come ami
give this freshman a good line
alioiit College Ijife".
I'll go and tell her how we ate
Irnit salad ont of a hair r(M'eiver
with a shoe horn.
S
Faces Seen on Green St.
(Continued from page twenty-four)
For, all in all, they are the liest,
That walk on Green Street.
They are not all earth bonnd
Like tlie rest. Tliey give ninch.
And receive — less than tiiey give.
Look at the fac(>s!
See—
.1//.' 'I'licrc ill a iriiiiJoirpinic
You sec vol l{ flier!
And ijoii IJiiiik. for the firsl tiiiir.
Most hittcrli/. Ihiil j/oiir j'acr
In hill our — our — ,
Of thrsr iiianij, iihiiiij faces!
Come, let's move with the crowd.
S(»meone across the street
Is latigliing at ns.
Household Hintrances
If a pinch of salt is added to
the water in which the sponges
for sponge cake are soaked, a snr-
prising tinttiness will resnlt.
Mrs. Zanzibar, a faithfnl con-
tribntor to this department, stig-
gests that old phonogra]>h rec-
ords make excellent pads on
whicli to set hot dishes. (The
editor has a record of "Hearts
and Flowers" that might serve
admirably in tiiis pHr|>nse. )
Au anonymous contribntor
wrote to state that if someone
w()nld lend him about twelve feet
of garden hose, he had a neighbor
whom he migjit ntilize as a vac-
tuim cleaner. The Weekly Bngle
takes this O]i]iortnnity to observe
that snch vulgar liiimor is not
connliMianced
ON GREEN STREET
Mac's
Good Eats
Morning, Noon
and night
I
9
I
Just East of College Hall
M. R. McBroom
403 E. Green
Prescriptions
Filled
BERT SPALDING'S
GREEN STREET
PHARMACY
PERIODICALS
TOBACCOS
TOILET ARTICLES
DRUGS
A lilix-k West of the Cami>iis
— on Green
+
[26J
+ — '■
8 Main Street, Champaign
Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1
Home Killed Meats and Poultry
Pork
Lard
FROM THE FAK.M DllilOCT T( » VOH
Smith & Picard
WHOLESALE
RETAIL
+ ,_.._«_« —
. „ — +
Fish on Friday
JIM — So she refused you?
TIM — That's the impression I
recei\eu. Bird — Do you waul .i nut snu-
JIM — -Didn't she actually say ^.^ •>
no?
Even if a boat arrives on tiiiM',
11 j^efs docked just the same.
S
Carrots and Onions — •'
i** " Carrots and Onions —
TIM — No, she didn't. All she Chic — I always have a date for If you didn't go walking
said was "Halia-ha I" Sundav. — Lemon I'uucli. You'd never have huiiions.
— +
1
I
+-
Welcome Back !
Old Timers !
"ILLINI
JJ
Welcome In!
New Comers!
WHITE LINE LAUNDRY DEPOT-"IVIAIN 406"
[27]
^. — .. — .. — .. — .. — .1 — .» — .. — 1.1 — II. — I. — - — III — I- — - — ™ — - — » — - — "+
"Gelvin, you're showing a
wonderful assortment
of shirts this fall"
That's how one chap expressed it and
we believe he about covered the
point. You'll think so too.
GELVIN'S CLOTHES
SHOP
Green Street
+ .
i
1
.11+
WE SUPPLY ICE
CREAM
For church festivals, fairs, bantjiiets and
other large gatherings where food refresh-
ments are served. We guarantee prompt
deliveries of the best ice cream made un-
der strictest sanitary conditions and shall
be pleased to arrange with committes and
others for supplying this best of all
refreshments and deserts.
Champaign Ice Cream Co.
Bell 175 115-117 E. University Auto 2107
The Story of the Stadium
I ( 'out iiiiicil I'l-iiiii i'ajic 'l'.\ I
sections, however, to carry on the tale from ]»ast
to ftiliire. There is tlie story of the first llliiii, under
I lie caption "An liiilian Trilie Hefian it a l.,ong;
Time Aj^o", Imt tliere i.s no mention of that early
j;ra(lnate of Illinois Industrial I'niversity, < icorge
I!. Siiawhan, wiio tirst discoNci-ed tlie aptness of
calling The .students "lUini". Mr. Sliawan forms
a chapter of his own in undergraduate liist(n-y, and
lie must not he forgotten. Something might have
hcen said, too, of those wlio created tlie designs for
the stadium ;ind the court of honor.
Vet, aside from the vigor of the sej)arate ar-
ticles, the whole gains from admirable ami even
dramatic arrangement. The story begins, as has
been said, with the lllini Imlians, but with md too
much unadorned historical date. There follows then
a sprightly account to contrast the Illinois of
twenty-five and fifty y(^ars ago with that of today,
and then comes the story of the present, rrobably
the best piece of writing in the book is that charac-
terizing (j. Hull'. A high compliment to the man it
is, that when peojile write of him or draw, they gen-
erally do their best work. Tt is an arresting com-
jiarisou — that <t. Huff and the Creeks — but not far
fetched, when all is said.
Among the other features of the book are mes-
sages from President James, and President Kinley;
a map, showing the new roads project in Illinois,
ami the place of the Twin Cities and the stadium in
the scheme; pictures of the great players of jiast
and ])resent — Slooey Chapman, Harold Pogiie, Pot-
sy Clark, and Chuck Carney; photograi)hs of the
coaches themselves, and some of those wlio have
already pledged themsehcs heavily toward the build-
ing of the Stadium.
S
I'd Lend My Burnt Orange Pajamas
to That sage who will tell me what ThaT chajt, who
wore brogues and said 'sorry' before anyone else
wore "em and said it, is wearing and saying now.
Will Lines Be in Vogue This Coming
year'.' (Jod wot. the old Cirl is cordially sick of the
last 'year's batch of t;ililoid conversationalists. The
•lane with the carefully studied 'sudden" ways, —
the 'frank' one, — the Gilded Lily who makes 'Oh'/'
and 'Oh dear!" do for all occasions, — the Tottering
Youth who has nothing in stock but outworn cuss-
words for his friends male, the noun 'I' for friends
female, and "Dont know," ftn- his Profs, — will these
Coleoptera be witii ns again"/
Doubtless.
[2S]
University
Pharmacy
Maii\ 13-1
Prescriptions
filled only by registered
pharmacists
We Deliver
+■-
FRKI) J. PRISON
I
.4
Tluit slrjiiific wild, tliiiif; Sooicty
\y\U\ Jnz/.tiiiH' incliricty
Aiiil llours waxed to satiety
is w nil lis in entirety !
And llie snal<es — and IJie vamps —
And I lie decorative lamps —
And tlie Imneli — tliat the ])iincli —
.Mi^dil disorjianize the liiiieh —
And the |di(iiies — in loud tones —
lxiiij;inj; out for elia]>ei'oiies —
And the diids — in the suds —
Sunn to deck the Pretty Buds —
And the dates — tiiat tiie Fates—
.Make and break like china i)Iates
And the dress — from the jiress —
Taken to the wronj; address —
And the noise — that the hoys —
.Make weekends at Illinois —
.Vnd the stars — incdiidinj; .Mars —
('leaniiifi out the Seminars —
]S'ew marcels — iniiMUt helles —
!)ressed-ii|i hoys in tortoise slndls
]»esii;iiate — liej; to state —
'I'liat no matter how irate —
Jt may make ns —
That strange, wild tiling. Society
Is on ns —
Heaven help nsl — Slimmer Scout.
+'■
!
I
I
I
i
I
■
I
t
I
s
I
American Dry
Cleaning Co.
Cleaning, Dyeing and
Pressing
"F^fficeiil iiml Itclialil*;" ,
Wc give special allentioii lo
your iiuiiv'dual needs.
Work Called For And
Delivered
Ju.^l call main L'5IJ7
'A" West Ma-'ii St.. Urbana
I
i
.,.4.
A Store Worth
Knowing
Our organization i.s made up of men trained to be of service to .vini;
tliat'.s what we're here for; not simply to sell something. The m(M-<han(liKO
is right, we think; if you buy it, and if you think it isn't right, money cheer-
fully refunded.
KUPPENHEIMER
CLOTHES
BOSTONIAN
SHOES
COMPANY
Cnitrri! IHinois' l,<ir(iixl Stan , SitrruiUziiiii 111 Mi it's. Wuiiinrs diid lion's
Wcdrhxj Appari-l
4, — n« m m m .,< in nr m
[29]
,|, ptiii ini nn -in i - tm nn rm
I
I
i
Cafeteria
610 East Green St.
Popular Prices
"Always Something New"
in
MEN'S TOGGERY
A. E. Anderson & Co., and
Starrs & Schaefer Co. are
makers of our iMgli grade
liand tailored Clothes at
lower prices.
MARSHALL CLOTHES
SHOP
Bradley Arcade Opposite Library
-+
I
I
Better Printing Will Improve
Your House Publication!
We urge those in charge of Fraternity and Sorority
House Publications to call and inspect samples
of House organs we have printed. You will
find our work to be of a superior quality
and we are equipped to deliver
eitlier one of the popular four
page folders or a big book
Uke the Siren
ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY
On Green Street — Champaign
+•_„.,
[30J
MAGUIRE
STUDIO
IRBANA. ILLINOIS
220 W. Main St.
Artistic Photographs
MOUYIOS BROS.
Urbana, 111.
Portraits
that
Portray
Individuality
Seniors!
See us for your Illio
picture
+ . +
+ ' " f
The APOLLO
CONFECTIONERY
"^'hen You Get
Apollo Confections
of any kind, you have
THE BEST
Ice Creams and
Ices
(Continued from I'ajje SevcntciMi I
linng :n-(Hind tofiether. wailinf; for tlip Trainin};
Scliool for Clicriiliini lo (i|n»ii : tlicrc's not imicli
to do, so we have .signed uji with AN'ccjv.
Paul: Well, aren't you asliaiiied of yourself!
The I'g: Now that you niciiliou ii. I am. ll isn't
considered good form u|> ilicrc to monUi-y with
spiritualists, or have anything to do with (lie
earth . . . hut I always liad a weakness for had
conipany.
J'.nil: That's wliat I llioii-li(.
Tlie Ug: You are an unusual young man.
Paul: But I must leave you. I have idanncd lo
amuse myself witli some papers by Doyle, and
Lodge. They arc interesting, but not new — not
new.
The I'g: (Nearly in tears) You ha\c liclped me
wonderfully I It only took s(unchody to remind
me. to make me regain niy self rcs|»cct.
Paul: Pleased to hear it. Now trot along home,
like a good boy. and ilon't fool around with any
more mediums — and — cr — better get yourself a
pair of pants and a shin. That — er — what is it ?
Tlie Ug: (Departing nji a nearby treel Shroud.
Paul: Ah yes: that shroud is most absurd, (rood-
night.
(Exit Paun
-+
i
Designs
E4rc Kings
Colorplates
PKo+o-Engra-^^ing's
J^Ld\)erl'i s in a
j-Airposes
G.R.Grudd 8 Co.
t a m p a 1 q t
.Illinois
+ ■
+ +-
131]
Agues was tii;iniiiji (lut liei- cuts.
"Wbafs ti'ii per-ceut?"' slie
((uizzed.
••One tenth:" flashed tlic an-
swer.
"Which goes to show tliat tlicre
lias been no falling off in iiati\e
wit since the dim days of Aristn
jilianes.
— S
First Seeker: How near were
you to the right answer to tlie
thinl (|iiestion?
.Second: Two seats away.
— Exchange.
S
Examiner ((Jnesioning aiijdi-
cant for life-saving jolii — ^^'llat
would yon do if yon saw a woman
being washed out to sea".'
A]i])iicant — IM Ihrow lier a
cake of soaji.
l']xaminer — A\'hy a cake of soa]>?
Apiilicant — To wash her back.
S
Love others as thyself. Iiiit not
thy neighbor's wife.
Hazel: Don't yon know why 1 \\\'\\ wishers win well wishes.
relnsed yon ? I'o as ye wo\dd be done liy.
Howard : 1 can't think. * » »
Hazel: Yon guessed it.— "Top- -Frame" not thy enemy lest ye
ics of the Day"' Films. |„, "iianied".
Ifs a good thing fish cant talk. Always put olf until tomorrow
Imagine a tish cackling every time ^^^„^^, yj^,, „.„„i,i ,[„ UnV.iy.
it laid an egg! — Lyre. . » -» »
*^ A bird in the air is worth I wo
A trouble planter often reaps on ;l woman's hat.
his own cro]) in aliundance. — ••Ee- » « «
sops Film Fables."^Fablcs I'ic- ^ good deed a day will chase
tnres. Jnc. trouble away.
S \- .. *
It'sa rare bird, beast, or be- Catty remarks are usually jnirr-
ing that kn()\\s its real friends. sonal. ■»
I
... ^
+
I
I Eat With Your Friends
I They Eat With Us
CHESLEY'S
'TME rOI'CLAR BESTAURANT
Our Meal Tickets
Save You ;\Ioney
007 Goodwill Avenue, Urbana
One Block East of
Chemistry Building
+., —
1
Going to
College?
You II Need a Corona
A student wlio lias no ty]>ewriter is badly liaiidica[iped
these days. Notes — themes, thesis, all must be tyjiewrit-
ten to bring the best marks.
Corona's patented folding feature makes possiliir all the
advantages of a big ryi)ewriter in this wondcrrnlly con-
venient little li l-li lb. machine.
$5 a Month Will Buy One. Phone Us !
R. C. WHITE & CO.
612 E, (iieen St. Phone Main lt22
Co RON A
The Personal Writing Machirie
TYPEWRITERS FOR RENT
+
[32]
How Do Hot Things Cool?
THE blacksmith draws a white-hot bar from the forge.
It begins at once to cool. How does it lose its heat?
Some is radiated, as heat is radiated by the sun; but
some is carried away by the surrounding air. Now suppose
the bar to be only one-half the diameter; in that case it
loses heat only half as fast. Smaller bars lose in proportion.
It would seem that this proportion should hold, however
much the scale is reduced. But does it? Does a fine glow-
ing wire lose heat in proportion to its diminished size?
The Research Laboratories of the General Electric
Company began a purely scientific investigation to ascertain
just how fast a glowing wire loses heat. It was found that
for small bodies the old simple law did not hold at all. A
hot wire .010 in. diameter dissipates heat only about 12 per
cent more rapidly than a wire .005 in. diameter instead of
twice as fast as might be expected.
The new fact does not appear very important, yet it
helped bring about a revolution in lighting.
It had been found that a heated filament in a vacuum
evaporated like water and that this evaporation could be
retarded by introducing an inert gas such as nitrogen or
argon. But it had long been known that the presence of gas
in the ordinary incandescent lamp caused so much heat to
be carried from the filament that the lamp was made use-
less. The new understanding of the laws of heat from wires,
however, pointed out a way of avoiding the supposed
necessity of a vacuum.
By forming the fine tungsten filament into a helix the
heat loss was made much less prominent. The light radiated
is then about the same as if the wire were stretched out, but
the heat loss through the gas is very much less. So the
tightly coiled filament was put into the gas-filled bulb —
and a new lamp was created. At the same cost it gave
more and better light.
Thus pure research, conducted primarily to find out
how hot things cool, led to the invention of the gas-filled
lamp of today— the cheapest, most efficient illuminant
thus far produced.
Sooner or later research in pure science enriches the
world with discoveries that can be practically applied.
For this reason the Research Laboratories devote much
time to the study of purely scientific problems.
GesieraAElectric
Company
General Office
Schenectady, N. Y.
BUY YOUR I
BOOKS AND i
SUPPLIES !
MONDAY !
AND !
TUESDAY
I
AVOID THE
RUSH
»|,m: m, — ih. m. i»— .lu — ii*|t
Freshmen !
Buy Early— You Save
Money
, — ^.
BUY YOUR
BOOKS AND
SUPPLIES
MONDAY
AND
TUESDAY
AVOID THE !
! RUSH !
I 1
4 4,
Trade at the Co-Op
Oh The Square
BOOKS : FOUNTAIN PENS : PENNANTS
LAUNDRY BOXES : ATHLETIC GOODS
ELECTRICAL GOODS : WIRELESS GOODS
ENGINEER'S SUPPLIES : STATIONERY
TOILET ARTICLES : ARTISTS' SUPPLIES
: : KODAKS : CIGARS : AND : GIFTS
Get acquainted with this great college store. It supplies your needs at lowest prices. It
saves you money; renders quick, honest, efficient sei-vice. If our goods are not satisfac-
tory we make them good. This is a store of satisfaction and where you feel at home.
Telegraph station — Free phones — rest rooms. We urge you to buy your supplies before
classes meet, thereby avoiding the rush and possible shortage of stocks. We can tell
you what you need for eveiy course you take. If we sell you the wrong goods we will
take them back.
BUY I
EARLY I
IT 1
PAYS j
U. of I. Supply Store
The Co-Op
On the Square
Buy Early— It Pays
+ — „_. +
I BUY i
I EARLY !
I IT I
I PAYS I
y :':."'
'•'if?'
r f
A
.•»m«.
•5*:
t*.'i\ —
■ 1 • • «
JOS. KUHN & CO.
JOS. KUHN & CO.
118^
Creer Room
Loyalty Clothes
Style Assurance
THERE'S an indescribable confidence that
comes from stylish dress. Good clothes give
assurance to any man whether he's at a foot-
ball game or a formal dance.
Our Society Brand clothes offer unusually at-
tractive styles for Young Men this Season.
33-35-37 Main Street
CHAMPAIGN
Reverse Romance
The linivest moon \v;is waxiiij;
l>i-iglit,
A'glowing iu the sky ;
Ami (111 this earth two lovers sat
And one ol' them was I.
Said she, "The iiioon is smiliiii;
down,
He"s laugiiinj; at us liere".
Said I, "Tlie moon is smiling
bright.
He's smiling with us, dear".
The harvest moon was waxing
bright.
One lover there to see;
The harvest inoonAVell, she was
right,
liecause the laugh's on me.
— A.L.S.
Don't vou thinlc it's rather sillv-
A Moral Without a Fable -^'"^ nnsoi.er-
Little girls with hollow teeth ^o portray this lady chilly-
JIREN
Musical Appreciation 56
The baml loiuluclor, as a means of
flnisliing his concert with a bit of
simplicity and vivacity, had his mus-
icians in the midst of an "everybody-
forhimselt" renditiiiii of "Tliere'll Be
a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight".
The intoxicated person who occupied
the seat next to me. and who had been
a disinterested listener up to this time,
was now" undergoing an emotional
crisis. Tears streamed down his
cheeks.
When the number was finished he
leaned over to me, and with confiding
pathos exclaimed, "what shympathetic
bunch of muzishans". I asked him
how he could enjoy such an uninspir-
ing piece of music. He replied, "My
wife hash been away. Comsh home
tonite. Bottle of gin on library table.
She'll beat me home. O-hic-hell".
J.L.
-S-
shouldn't chew gum. — A.-':25.
Ill October'.'
Euphemia
A stlidt'iil who Ixiaidcd on (iiceii
Had no eartiily use for a bean:
He'd go to the Delly
And till \^^ on
Almost evervtliinii but.
t"
I
i
I
S
I
I
THE NEW
Southern Tea Room
Corner of Green and Sixth Streets
Second Floor
Lunches, Afternoon Teas, Dinners
Banquets, Parties
SERVICE SUPREME
PHONE MAIN 4203
I
I
I
I
[11
jmEN
Zoological Studies
(^'l-l■)^al snapshots taken in the purlieus of Learning
and Labor)
The Janitor who asserts ids iudepeudance and
equality by sweeping over tlie boots of the passer-by.
The Ernest Young Man who thinks that his in-
structors like long conferences with him.
Tlie grim Summer Worker, who would rather
know how to teach than what to teach.
The Egg, who quotes Kipling to illustrate his
emotions.
The otherwi.se Nice Ciirl — gingham frocks and
lace frocks — who values a Thrill almost as she values
a Cherry Boston.
The musty Music Master wlio denounces Irving
Berlin as a menace to our Poor Dear Yotmg People.
The sentimental Saxophonist who thinks the
Nocturnes of C'liopin are liigli))row and effeminate.
The nervous girl wlio know nineteen ways of
tearing up a soda straw.
The Demon who is cluvrful before breakfast.
— Summer Scout.
S
About the only inspiration one can get out of
a rliet. 1 class is the deep breath that always comes
when tlie class adjourns.
■^^-F
GARMENT
Pep
Snap
Style
See Gelvin for Good Looking Clothes-
Priced Right
GELVIN'S CLOTHES SHOP
I
you
Did you ever stop to consider what
convenience means in establisliing bank-
ing relations.
AVe do a general banking business
and you are particularly invited to
avail vourself of om- service.
D
Safety Deposit Boxes
3% on Savings
I The University State Bank
j of Champaign
I Cap'.tal stock $50,000.00
1
[2]
Mr. and Mrs. Jimmie
The ARCADE
CONFECTIONERY
Drinks
Luuches
Candies
SPECIALLY PREPARED MEATS
for SANDWICHES
•Tolmston's, Whitman's, Buute's and
Morses Box Candv
I
I
!
■4
JIUEN
The Pragmatic Lover
You'll admit, cause it's Hue. little woman.
If vou'ir in-('tty. yoti're i-atlici- blase.
And I can't even hope to impress yon
By a movie or auto ride gay;
I must take yon ilanccs and theatres,
Must spend dollars you'll never miss.
Can you blame me, oh damsel so costly.
If at jiartinj; I steal just one kiss"?
Xow the iiroblem I face isn't simi)le,
I'd like to be friendly you km>\v:
A\'ould yon tliiid< me a cad if I kissed you'.'
If I didn't would you think 1 was slow'/
A.L.S.
Films Developed
nd Printed 25^^i
Arty Size
Send 25c per roll of six which
we will develop, print and return same day
received. Three cents rebated on all blank,
imperfect or non-printable films. Highest
grade professional workmanship guaranteed.
Perfect system insures against any possible
loss of films.
8x10 Enlargement Free
Enclose any favorite old negative with your order
and we will make you a handsome 8x10 enlarge-
ment free, if you send us the name and address of
another Kodaker.
20% Saved
on All Photo Supplies
Your first 25c order brings coupons and member-
ship privilege in our co-operative buying service,
giving you 209! cash saving on cameras, films and all
standard photo supplies. Money back guarantee.
Mail Order Film Service
Box 379-E Milwauk-ee, Wis.
For Better, More
Wholesome Food
UNDER SAME M.4NAGEMENT
AS COURT HOUSE CAFE
Gilliland's Cafeteria
Race Street, .Inst olV .Main
A cafeteria distinguished from the rest by the supreme
quality of its food and the cleanliness of its service
lllltlllKIUII
llllKIIIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIllllllllllll
Students tind our
Service most satisfying.
rUHAXA
The liiu'sl, most
modern Cafeteria
ill llic Twin Cities
[3]
MWEM
Jane the Jingled
All absent youug lady named Jane
Would never come in from the rain;
For this cause and others,
Her three brothers, had to lead her about on a
-S-
Has It Come to This, Elmer ?
•■^^'ill you take me to our dance Friday night,
Jerry?"
"Sure, tickled to death Marge".
"That will be awfully nice of you. If it would
n't be too much trouble you could come and get me
after the dance, too. You know. Bob lives way over
on the other side of town and I hate for him to
have to come so far to get me when the dance is
being given so close to his house." — J.L.
S
Reward !
This, nies amis, is the gent who whistles Avalon
on the street, in the Lincoln liall corridors, in
booths at Mosi's, and in his own sanctum santorum.
The Siren offers as reward for his capture, dead
or alive, 1 i>air of linsey-woolsey golf breeks, 1 ten-
nis ball, almost new, and a copy of Mrs. Brownings
Sonnets.
5^^^^f^=!
-^*-^*^'^^-
iirMii^^ifrin<T>T»i'Ti
Prices on
STETSON HATS
for FALL
averaging
25% lower
than last year
No one questions the
taste of tlie chap who
sportsaStetson. Abso-
lute style in every line.
Just as much a part of
the smart college outfit
as pep and enthusiasm
is a part of campus 1 ife.
Stetson Style
Stetson Siuality
Stetson Money 's IVorth
The same today as for
56 years assured
bv the
Stetson Quality Mark
in Every Hat
STETSON HATS
John B. Stetson Company, Philadelphia
^ss^^
U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square
Books
An educated person is exiiected not only to know
books, l)ut to own those tiiat mean tiie most to liim.
We carry a lot of good books — standard sets and cur-
i-ent works in fiction, drama, i)oetry, biography. Come
in and browse.
* Writing Materials
Wliatexer yon need for writing — jtaper to lit all pur
])oses — ]H'iis to tit all tists — ink to tit all eyes — we have
ready for you.
U. of I. SUPPLY STORE
Green and Wright
ON THE SQUARE
Champaign
s^:»>s^:«>^s:»>s^:»>^ ^
14]
HKCN
PLATE LUNCH AT ALL HOURS
Music Every Sunday Afternoon and
Evening
W^ ARE NOW PREPARE!:) TO
GIVE YOU HOME COOKING.
HOME BAKED PIES and CAKES
SERVICE
PREHN and PALMER
CONFECTIONERY AND LUNCHEONETTE
University District
, Corner Green and Sixth Streets
I
I
+ . ._, „ , ._, „ ._.._. +
PRINTING - MULTIGRAPHING
TYPEWRITING - ADDRESSING
PROMPTLY AND EFFICIENTLY PRODUCED
BY EXPERTS AT THE
COMMERCIAL SERVICE CO.
W. F. FAULKNER Office: 9 Taylor St.
Manarjcr Phone: 2263 Garfield
I
I
I
I
4. ._._. ._..-» „— . . . . ■— " +
16]
Mwm
;MiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiinniiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMaiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiitiiniiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiitiiiMiii]i!]iiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiMiiiii^ aiiiiiiiiiiiiQiiiiiiiiiiiiDii
'An Optimist is a Fellow Who Still Carries a Corkscrew "
On Stationery
The paper of printed matter is more than a
common carrier of type. It has a message of its
own.
There are dainty, feminine papers, rugged
mascuhne papers, papers that suggest class, cost
and quaUty. Tlie stationery you use is your own
representative.
Our stock of writing paper contains rugged
bonds and vellums, dainty deckle edge linens, and
beautiful gray polo cloth.
STUDENTCUPPLYQT0RE
'in^_ f Ja<i-s/ac^n
606 E. Green St.
"Chuck" Bailey — Managers — Shelby Himes
"A Pessimist is a Man Who Wears Both Belt and Suspenders "
[6]
HKEN
Calista Jane, the Picnic Ham, formerly catching the apraising eye of the Third Best Fox Trotter on
Green Street, has induced him, by way of an opening date, to share her pet hobby of an al fresco two-
some. She furnished everything except the salt and the matches — lovely thin sandwiches of mousetrap
cheese, a casserole of cauliflower, und so weiter. Including two bits worth of bacon and four eggs. Alas.
At the moment of this closeup, the hopeful Calista Is declaiming "Oh, Hilary, the sunset glow is
just heartbreakingly beautiful; look".
But Hilary is eggbreakingly ugly, has smoke in his eyes, has burned two thumbs and one index
finger trying to turn an agile wafer of bacon — so another of Calista's romances dies a-borning.
I
I
I
I
[7]
I
T. P. BouRLA.ND, Editor; GKowiK B. Switzku, Art Editur; Morgan L. Fitch, Business Manager; J. A. Nliokolls,
G. V. Buchanan. Jr.. Contributing Editor; Jack Tuttle, Advertising Mgr.; R. J. Weber, Foreign Adv. Mgr.; R. H.
Exchange Editor; Hoken Hoie, Conlril)uting Artist. Ferguson, Ciriuhition Mgr.; R. R. Fowler, Asst. Bus. Mgr.
Editorial Staff
Lem Phillips
A. L. Strau.s
Agnes Vrooman
O. D. BURGE
John Lawder
L. M. Stormont
P. B. Bass
Leonard Hunt
Chas. E. Notes
Chase Judah
Business Staff
G. E. Darling Floyd Mochon
R. E. Denze
C. R. Defenbaugh
Bart Hurd
J. O. Kett
Hugh Fechtman
Leon Ludwig
Julia Thompson
J. A. O'Brien
J. B. O'Donnell
W. C. RUNKLE
S. W. Redeniske
T. L. Shurtelle
Mary Hopkins
Art Staff
G. V. Buchanan Shannon Meriwether
Beatrice Adams Dorothy Schulze
Martin Topper Helen Hottinger
Hoken Hoie C. W. Baughman
M. R. Marx Elizabeth Boggs
Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the
postoffice at Urlia'na, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $i..so the
year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all conununications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois.
A\'e liasten to a.s.sure a puzzled public that the
cover which adorns this issue of The Siren is not
intended to convey veiled insult.
Mr. Marx has merely permitted his fancy to
roam to a land where common things have suffered
a reversa lin their natural relations, and has sketch-
ed for us the amusiny prospect of monkeys out of
cages and people in them. Surely you would not say
that there was an allegory in it.
S
Few Epithets are too drastic to apply to the
man who is aggressively cheerful ))ef()re breakfast.
In him is all tlie obscenity of the sound of a mech-
anical piano at dawn, all the cruelty of laughter
in tiie operating room. He is the ghoul of emotions.
S •
111 non reading communities, the writing of
editorials is diverting and h.irmless.
To the voracious and eager readers of the Ar-
huckle Case stories, the Siren would suggest a per-
usal of Thackery's novelette, "Catherine". There is
I'ebuke in it for the morbid of mind.
Jn a clapboard dungeon near the foundation of
I'niversity hall sits Donald F. LaFuze. He edits
the Ulini.
Near an o})en window, he .sits between his type-
writer and the wide world. Through the window he
sees passing things which, in his e.stiniation, need
imi)rovement. He improves them. He .sees freshmen
who needs advice. He advises them. He sees girls
who need dressing. He dresses them — or perhaps
dresses them "down" would be more ])roi)er diction.
In many respects the present Illini dynasty
offers contrast to preceding years. The Siren hesi-
tates to indulge in personalities of an intimate na-
ture, else this writing would extend itself at the
ISl
HREN
exju'iiso of wlint Town Tcipirs would diili "corlnin
iiKlividiials"'.
Oue utterly new ft-atnre of the Daily llliiii. how-
ever, deserves comment. That is the fatherliness —
nay. the grandfatherline.ss. of its policy toward the
stiulent body. Thus far, each issue of the sheet has
carried a messajje of kindly, fatherly, intimate, def-
inite, sweet, well-meant, siij^e. and };racions advice
to some division or other of Us Young Seekers.
Never hefore have the freshmen been informed as
to the ethics of registration. Never before has the
subject of the advance date been argue<l before the
advance daters in constructively critical form.
Never before — much — have the instructors been ad-
vised how they may improve their teaching tech-
nique. Father LjiFuze is going to mend our ways
for us. me thinks, or burst an aorta in the attempt.
S
SINCE LA!ST we met. sweet oiies. but one new
thing has crossed our path. The passing of
< )pen House, to give it a name. Some have shed
tears at its passing, but the SIREN weeps not. be-
cause she delights in the rarity of anything that is
new.
(Jjien house has ever been a curious and an
amusing institution. It originated, it seems, when
the Uni was yet but a pup. and unable to boast
iiiough gregarious males to break down a sorority
porch. Old Timers have remarked that one really
i)ecame acquainted at Open House in those days,
ilartha introduced Micky to Mary, and Mickj- and
Mary straightway sjit together on the bottom step
for a half hour, discovering how many common ac-
(|uaiutances and uncommon friends they had in
Evanston. Milwaukee, and jioints west.
Not so leisurly the Open House of the later
years. A nervous glance, a gurgling in the throat,
a flabby hand-clasp — and Micky passes on. while
JIary sets her face for another man-about-town.
Too many men. Too many men.
And the men. because they couldn't really meet
the girls, got a kick out of the situation by giving
the Mistress of Ceremonies ridiculous aliases, and
by other sharjt jests.
So Open House went to seed, and now it is no
more.
We have other noble and ancient traditions.
They arc going to seed also, mayhap. Hut nolnxly
knows it. They aiv. moreover, under the protection
of the sentimentalists. Give these traditions time.
They will become absurd, unpleasant, cundiersomc.
Then they will be no more.
Too bad.
Our sister students have by this time subjected
them.selves to the annual exhortation to wear mod-
est raiment. Possibly they have been told that no
"lady" will cut her skirt shorter than a specilied
number of inches from the floor. I'ossibly they
have been told that powder is inexcusably frixoluiis
and rouge flatly indecent.
Possibly they have taken these things to heart.
Last year Sam I'epless remarked, "If kuocR-
knee will not make for modest dresses, what chance
has morality?"
In the library, over by "Who's Who, sits a youth
who smells of Bay Rum. By the Enc. Rrit. is a
bliinde sophomore — sci'uted with Hothouse Lilac.
Down the aisle blows the scent of the Factory Rose,
and hounded to its source it is found to emanate
fiom the handkerchief of the girl in the middy. In
the Periodical Room sit a trio of sisters, evidently
users of a common scent-pot for they give forth a
homogenious Jlock-Patchouli. The freshly shaved
young gentlemen, taking interminable notes from the
Qu-Ra tile, labors in a nimbus of rare olil Williams.
I have a headache. Let's drift over to the ("hem
Building.
-S-
DAD'S DAY is aI)out due. In case — Dads — this
coiiy of our Sii-en falls into your hands, con-
sider it as part of our siucere and artVctiouate wel-
come to you. Why the habit of iinitiii.u ymi all over
here once a year did not develope years and years
before it did. we do not know, ^^■lly it never oc-
curred to us that, of all the delegations which ilu'
year brings to a state university, a delegation of
Dads would be the most interested, necessary and
welcome, we cannot say. Hut now that ycui an
here
How do you like the place, anyway? Do we
.seem to be getting your money's worth Fathers of
sons, do the girls behave and dress to your taste''
Fathers of daughters, do the young men seem safe"/
After all, it is your opinion that really counts. In
a way, we're on our company manners. But cant
you stay over Monday'/
Even so — look us over carefnlly. while you're
here.
[9]
HREN
Personal
"The Phi Kap's have just discovered
the answer to the infamous question
"What a man loses by going to col-
lege".
"No! what is it".
"Sleep".
S
from tfie
Boneyrird
In German-I.
Prof.: "rrniiomuc Krii-nr"
Ambitions (nic: "1 ciiii't — it
ticldes!"
I'nd A.O. : "Das liflit ist liell".
I'l'of. Lessing: "Niclit liellll —
licll I I'fnctisc licll please".
— Procopius.
S
To Yvette de Fimes
Sister of (Jaiiviiiede, it may liave
been
Tliat I rej>ar(U'(i yon with flat,
(Inll eyes.
In those rare clays I'm learning
late to prize —
Relieve me, kid, yon flnng a mean
tnreen. — Corporal Charles.
S
A Matter of orthography and Mis-
placed Modifiers. Fifteen freshmen
have signed up for the Starve Course,
at the Beta house. — Item.
I was Angus MacBlott,
Of County MacBlott
lovi/a.
My dad played the organ
In the Presbyterian Church.
My ma sang in the choir.
My sister practised her Cerny
And Bergmuller faithfully
'till she got married.
And I
Bought a sax
And some blue and yellow
Stickers, and a
Laundry mailing case,
And rented a room, and
Became an lllini.
But
I couldn't resist
Tootling my Sax,
By my open window,
On fine nights —
So obviously
The Boneyard got me.
Ode to a Hickey
Oh, terror of the bravest,
Hated by all men.
Oh horror to the beautiful.
To yon this pome I pen.
The prettiest of maidens
Yon transform into freaks;
The Jiandsomest of gentlemen
You uglify for weeks.
Oil, just before the party,
And just before the ball
Yon come to us, O IMmple;
I hate you over all. — A.L.S.
S
He: My how clean this page is,
She: Yes I just swept it with my
eye.
An obscure landscajie ]>:iiiiter
named (iage
Chewed up hrnsii after biiish in
his rage;
"Par Satirus!" he fumed —
( For his day's work was <loom-
ed
By the girl on tlie opposite page.
S
Alas for poor Bonnie S. Lee,
Who lighted a match Just to see
Where the gas pipe was leaking.
His wife is now shrieking
"Oh bring back my Bonnie to me".
[10]
When Love Has Changed to
Kindliness
Above, gkiiiCL- at Silas and Diu.silla.
Dnisilla claims that the imncli is spiked.
(The scene is laid l)etween dances).
Silas avers that at his fi-at the punch is never
si>iked.
Drusilla concludes that the punch must lie
spiked, since no one save one full of spiked punch
would state that such punch was not spiked.
Do you get a kick out of that?
Symbolism in Literature
''Learn to draw on your imagination'', was tiie
advice tlie editor gave to the Ms])iriiig writer. So the
clever young man drew a sli-aight line across a
piece of blank paper. His salary was raised.
S
It was a liark night. He was ineliriated — a
lightning-bug on the tip of his nose, was trying
to out shine the irridescence of the bulbous probos-
cis. And so, home; whistling "Lead Kindly Light".
SIREN
Oct. a — Not wishing to lU-ti-acI from my (hilly
endeavors, to-wit tJie comiiiliiig of a day (o day
chronicle of my doings, yet at the same time wish-
ing to cede to the demands of tiie slave di-iver who
rooms directly above me, and who, odds wots, pub-
lisjies this liliel to the good mime of Jiunior, 1 again
take my battered Sniitli on my knee at tlie iimiiiii-
ent risk of ruining mine hozen, and make the at-
tempt. Up at the crack o' the morn, to the rooms of
labor, and so to bed, none the wiser "spite the at-
tempts of various and sundry congenial crackers
of the tomes, who did their liest with me, i" faith.
So to bed.
Oct. 6— Roused, the morn, by denisous of a
rival eating club who wished my vote at the elec-
tions, come Oct. 14, liut did scorn them and jiuU the
blankets over mine ears, for i'faith there is but
little I ken of politics, though I cast a wicked bal-
lot when properly informed by the projier autlior-
ities. But one must look to one's supporters, a say-
ing equally as sound in the realm of votes and vot-
ers as in a haberdashery.
Oct. 7 — My Lord Co(dey, coming to the fore
with a suggestion I needs nuist list to his plea. Sir
CooUey, infesting the same room, to-wit being my
room-mate I wouldst out witli the thing before he
hounds me to an early demise. In fact the situa-
tion i.s this: Sir Ciiet Davis (save the mention of
tiie name) was loath to repay Sir "Doc'' last Mar-
tinnuis for four tickets to a Flask and Bottle pro-
duction yclept "Our Children", (though i' faith I
know Sir Cliet has none) and was promi.sed ]iayment
when the Chi Omega's had settled their debts. Now
Sir Doc would know from Sir Chet, "have the girls
|iaid uji? if so, where at's my sheckles"/" So, Sir
Chet, here's the message.
Oct. 8 — Our friend the iiulilisJier, not remember-
ing that this time one year ago come Alicliaclmas
he was driven liy my demands, ajijiears now witli
the stern order. "Chop otf. Sam, whatinell d'ye
think I'm running, an aiuiual report"/'' so otf with
tlie lihald witticism — and so to the shucks.
Ill]
HREN
The Arcade Philosopher
A dollar expended iu joining the
Illinois Union is a first rate in-
vestment at present. One vote is
worth over a dollars worth of
"cokes".
"Be nobly earnest", quoted the
intellectual sister as she gazed on
the six pins that adorned her
roommate's dresser.
The "college" slicker expi'essed
the same sentiments when he
found that three of his surest for-
mal prospects had lieeu comparing
notes.
The sweet young co-ed told us
road houses just fascinated her.
You know the kind where you can
get nice young chickens. Then
she was insulted when we laughed
That reminds us the innocent
tlungs must have a great store of
that intangible asset of all women,
intuition. She becomes indignant
when we laugh at her ingenuous
remarks, but never can understand
why we are laughing.
It has been reported that the
would be managers of candidates
for class presidents hope to be
chairmen of the various class
dances. We presume they wish to
be sure of obtaining tickets. Or
perhai)s it is merely stationary.
Of course we realize that the
naturalists contend that we can
love more than one girl. But few
aside from Floyd Dell, and the
university fashion plate, claim
they can love more than one at
the .same time.
We've seen it done at that, in
a porch swing ; when a big strong
man had a young thing on either
side.
Tlie walking clothes rack who is
always singing about the cellar
sister he drew on his blind date,
doesn't often consider how his
charms may have appealed to the
girl in question.
Back Again Blues
Come drown your sorrows iu a coke, let tears
be uncoufiued, for we are back to college grub to
get our stomachs lined. No more on mother's food
we dine, no more we'll fill on beef, ham sandwiches
and malted milk must assuage our grief. Alas, there
is no cookie box on John, or Green, or Wright. No
Xtantry shelves invite our teeth before we sleep each
night. For months we've fed on sirloins rare, on
stuff that mother makes. Today we start on Ham-
burgers, farewell to roasts and steaks. Oh college
days may be a joy, indeed there is no question, I
get an education rare and also indigestion. — A.L.S.
The Modest Mortician
For years the village undertaker, with high silk
hat and frock coat, had always held the center of
the stage at funerals. When ever anyone in the town
died, that was the signal for him to be the whole
show, stalking about here, directing something there,
serenely conscience of liis great importance till the
burial was over.
Just as one of the prominent citizens died, a
new undertaker came to town and got the job. The
affair came off very solemnly, quietly and sedately.
"What I like about you," said one of the de-
ceased's i-elatives, as he paid the bill, "is that you
give the corpse a chance." — A.L.S.
[12]
HREN
"Vie use
croquet balls
nJn
The old game of football is entering the field this
year not only as the prime King of mid-winter sports, but
as King of Kings as far as other years go. Walter, who
writes in the Trib, and Al, and Potsy (our own) all say
so, so it is. Seriously.
* * « *
Zup. the one and original Simon Legree, according to
Jack Crangle. our "humping fool", is sure tearing up the
earth these days. About every second or third day. Zup
has to give 'em a rest. On those days, practise only goes
until 6:30. Any other day. the stars are on deck before
the warriors troop in.
» « * *
It is whispered hereabouts that Iowa, on a recent
Saturday afternoon, scored a certain number of points on
our team. This is bad news for all of us. We are filled
with regret — but — after the first shock o' the news it
occured to us that the Iowa game was but the first one
of the year— and— ARE WE DOWNHEARTED?
'Should SAY-Y-V NOT!
Not changing the subject any, but does anyone want
the job of milking the cow that furnishes the milk that
goes to the warriors? Adv.
* -» * *
"Twenty years ago today" — Illinois footballers et
red meat. Today it's white milk! 'What would the shade
of Pom Sinnock say to that?
* * * *
Burt Ingwersen is having the time of his lite show-
ing the younguns how it's done. One frosh remarked how-
ever that his chances were gone. He stepped on one —
only one — of Burt's feet the other night. I feel sorry for
that kid. but he was outside a ring of devotees surround-
ing Burt when it happened. How comes? — Well anyway —
» * * *
The Michigan Whisper predicts another rotten year
in football. You'll remember that the whole darn team
was afflicted with hay-fever, cramps, Charley colts and
what not just before that memorable battle at Ann Arbor
last year. So if the ends and the quarter get off the rattler
this year wearing splints, crutches and red neckties, don't
get boistrous about the battle being over mother . Mister
Yost always has some of that Canadian border pep.
* ♦ * *
Two years from today and the big horseshoe will be
nailed together. Maybe we wont feel swell then. Golly!
See you later.
— Terrance.
Apologium Bootlegorum
I.
Me name is O'Grady
Me mother's a lady
Me father most strangely's a man
Me trade is bootleggin'
Me childer arc beggin'
Me better half's rushin' the can.
II.
Time was, me profession
Was hearin' confession
Though nary a cassock 1 wore.
I stood by the bar rail
An' listened to each tale
Of drunks as they lay on the floor.
111.
Then times died a-bornin'
Now aivnin an mornin'
I'm schlippin' in town in a van
Eludin' the coppers
Removin' the stoppers
To help every leather mouthed man.
IV.
They've ruined me ratin'
Be much agitatin'
Sassiety frowns on me trade.
Though my situation
Don't give me elation
'Tis better than swingin' a spade.
— G.V.B.
llalton lloif
[13]
SUSEN
Our Loci
Slim Pickens is tlie boy at the Koppa Sigarette
menage-rie who says "I'm the soap . . " and gets away
with it. He is the only man in the University who can
lay back on a divan while the women fight it out in the
front hall, and then be content with the winner. Slim
believes in the adage, "Take 'em young, don't treat "em
at all and may the best woman win".
Football is not all hardship. Of course if you make
the team and all — but here's Marion. He signs up and
sticks until kicked out, but until then he has all the privi-
leges of the uniform and everything. And Clarisse does
.so love a strong, virile mna. Of course Marion isn't
so bulky in his B.V.D.'s, but what they don't know don't
hurt 'em — is his motto.
Lawyers are not athletes, although they might classify
in Spanish activities. Therefore this is not a lawyer. His
air of finesse, of being "among the bon mot" comes from
his long association with the elite at the next door pool
hall. If the truth of the matter he known he is a night
watchman at the day nursery. But then the camaradie of
the sportsman often covers a more mediocre character
with a film of reflected glory.
Among our minor sports (no one over twenty-one
would stoop to it) is prominently listed the game of "put
and take". It is played with a small top. Archie and
Reggie are now engaged in this ferocious struggle .which
consists of Archie putting and Reggie taking. When
Archie is fini they will put out the light and take to the
coverlets.
[14]
athletics
JIREN
ft«.-;£
h
/^'-/^
Horace Hasdrubal Hawkins is not anemic. His looks
belie him. Horace has his round of tennis daily, unless
his studies interfere, and he insists on really violent
exercise at times. "Why, at the last Christian Endeavor
party Horace tatted two complete tats in one evening
(whatever that is.) He is "out" for the net team, and
unless the coach goes to sleep on the' job will soon be
out for good.
Theron and Andrew were rivals in politics last Spring.
The contest went against Theron. But now .... ah! ha!
The two rival frats, lota Eta Pi and Phi Phi Alpha, are
battling off the intramural basketball title. Neither Theron
nor Aubrey knows much about basketball, but look at
the chance to get back for the dirty things said in Ihe
canyjaign. Apparently llie contest this time will be a
draw.
A. Bougham Driver, pride of the Delta Flushes is
about to introduce to you the famous and much played
guessing game, so aptly termed "Woosit?" He will call
a number on the phone, ask for Agnes, and when she says
hello he will say, "Hello Agnes, Betcha can't guess who
this is?" They will bicker back and forth for an hour
while the brothars and sisters cuss and yearn for the
phone ,then perhaps he will get a date — perhaps not.
When the first cold winds hit up Green and John and
Daniels streets the elder fralers break out the freshmen
for the inter-frat relays. Augustus, who was misadvert-
ently pledged by the Tappa Nu Kegs who thought he was
a freshman the Kappa Clima.x gang got, is running for
the honor of the old frat. All he wants now is to get even
with the Soph, who told him he could run as well in house
slippers as track shoes.
[15]
"KNOW THYSELF"
An August Day Dream
[16]
HREN
HELLO GIRLS!
Riioul Harvey, now converted to a jAane of h'ujher
Uhalx, has rcxolrat to hriiihten the dateless studij-
liours III (lie lllhiii'is ('ii(<ls. l-'raiii lime to time he
wiU donate' tree hits of adrici' irJiicli lie hopes irill
meet with your approval.
We therefore present this vohniui to Kaoul and
liaoul to you.— XI REN A.
His Raoul (X) Harvey Mark
(tirls this is (luit" a tin-ill to iiie after all those
jjliastly intemperate years, l)ut I'll try to hlot them
out with a heli)tiil present. No doubt by this time
yon have found that mother's helpful hints are
rather non-collegiate, so I'm going to give you a
few tips, so arranged that any self arranged girl
can ](ut the di-eam over unaided. Here, Dearie, are
a few college-trade tricks.
The other night I chanced on the cunningest
flutfy fur rug, and it was made (of course you'd
guess) from the hide of an old Teddy. This very
natty trick was augmented by the darlingest cutest
rag rug before the dressing table, very simply made
by the mere casting of wearing apparel on the floor
the night before. In this way you see you can
change the motif at will by the simple addition or
deduction of a few items in its composition.
• « * *
To show these olf to the best advantage a very
lioney little little table lamp can be made at little
cost by inverting a small galvanized coal scuttle
on the talile with any number of candles beneath.
This can be trimmed with last sumiiiei's furs, now
iliscardeil and hanging as they should be on one of
those clever practical and ciieap wardrobes, made
by di-i\ing several dozen nails into the plaster at
intcrxals with a hairbrush.
•» * * *
I'm sure tlial this dearie, petite, little lamp
will not violate .your little Golden Text "Hide not
thy light under a bushel", foi- this scuttle wont
hold a bushel. Now, Neenie Mind about this "cor
in tha "ead" season 1 Deans' Nonsouse Process is
said by many to be very successful. A yard of i-ed
flannel and some la I'd. api)lied before those "So-
Oamp" dates, and one of these lovey big strong
mens' hankies, applied at the nose at intervals dur-
ing the drive will do the work. It also guarantees
that j'ou will have plenty of time to get in and get
your studies as the "He" will be sure to get you in
before it gets wor.se.
Love and Cokes,
Raoul.
A Scotch high-ball is a liipiid made liom some-
one else's whiskey, some one else's soda — and con-
sumed by the Scotchman.
S
I wish to cite as an ingenious man, the gink
who, when told that the hair-spring in his watch
was getting weak, poured Glover's Mange Cure on it.
S
The expression "great oaks from little acorns
grow"^ was probably inspired by Mr. Brown hearing
the tinish of a discussion of Miss -lone's new beau —
a discussion which had started at Mrs. Brown's sew-
ing club, when one of the members said. "Miss
Jones had a gentleman caller last evening''.
S —
A SAILOK, conung home unexpectedly, Ihrew
his arm around his missus and kissed her. W'ilhout
turning from her ironing sIu? murmured: "A (piart
o' milk and a pint u' ci-eam."— Ol'U NAVY MAGA-
ZINE.
[171
HREN
the 4 V
The tfe-K<:)
-move t<sKes
-the
Chtcdi^o shows
v)S wh2\t is
S^sYtoYi.^H^V
"(he E'5^wL-t\i
whi.tV»ov\e £oex
thrv CoUe^e
"Tliey say that brevity is the sonl of wit." "My lieart is with the ocean!" cried the poet
"Yes?" rapturously.
"Then our last vacation was certainly a roar- "You've gone me one better," said his seasick
ing farce."
friend, as he took a tirmer grip on the rail. — Tiger.
GOLF
As Prof. Hayes animadverted
the other day, "Golf would be a
good game if one did not have to
hit the ball so often". But in
s|)ite of this friendly warning, I
adventured forth in search of ex-
ercise upon the rolling section of
grassland which has been desig-
nated as tlie course. I liad an un-
pleasant altercation with a certain
gentleman who insisted on the col-
lection of two dollars before I
Jiuglit be permitted to play, but
linally I pacified him, and after
much procrastination, set my ball
upon a small heap of sand, a box
of which is provided for the pur-
po.se.
Alter indulging in several en-
ergetic preliminary thrashes with
a certain "brassie" I addressed
myself to the sphere of guttaper-
cha with the intention of sending
it in the direction of the first
green. My vicious swing was not
calculated exactly, and the small
object rolled a few feet to the
i-iglit, much to my disgust. But
By Charles E. Noyes
I plucked up hope, and dug it up
from its resting place maid much
confusion of turf and soil. By
numerous repetitions of this pro-
cess, I finally attained a position
in the bunker whicJi some soured
cynic placed about the first de-
pression. Several sturdy attempts
failed to stir my instrument of
sport, and I was forced to have
recourse to the expedient of toss-
ing it upon the sward. This did
not worry me greatly, as I had
enough strokes to make the extra
one insignificant. In putting, I
came perilously near a second ex-
pedition into the bunker, but the
calanuty was averted and a few
strokes placed the ball within the
small iron cup.
Highly elated at this success, I
fared on. Somewhere in the mid-
dle of the round an ungracious
gentleman attempted to take my
life, but luckily his aim was poor
and I escaped, though the shock
was responsible for several un-
gainly holes in the sod.
I outwitted the orchard by the
simple expedient of using many
short strokes instead of any which
might be at all dangerous. But
on the last hole I succeeded in
striking the ball quite one hund-
red yards, and in my excitement
forgot to notice the point in the
hedge where it lodged. Having
purchased only one of the white-
enamled spheres, this caused me
to end my game, and I fared home-
wards, much disgruntled.
. S
To the Journalistic Persons
In your noisy "laboratt)ry"
hangs this sign: "Accuracy al-
waj's". Permit the proposal of a
substitution, for verily, we can-
not live forever on one precept
only.
Take down the old sign, and en-
grave upon the lintel tliese prac-
tically immortal words of Ana-
tole France:
All Gener.\litiks aue False,
Including this one.
[IS]
Which vieecls
■I A'O "^
— I —
son poes THIS
SIREN
«> o'<a t to Q'e t he v" f< y
^\re-5.v4e sessions
6»ce -*rv«iy^.
Autobiography of a Sorority Sofa
By L. n. Stormont
To begin with, I was born in a furniture factorj'
of noble antice<lents, in Grand Kapitls. Of my in-
fancy I can recall very little except sitting for a
long time with a bunch of other fui-niture in a store
window in Ohniapaign with a tag on me for about
four times what I was worth. I had to suffer the
indignity of having people poke around me and in-
(piire about a lot of things of a personal nature to
me I can still recall how I bluslied when they spoke
of my legs.
One day I was approaclied by a bunch of dizzy
little bob-haired flappers who pawed all over me
and jumped up and down and giggled and gurgled
about me being just what they wanted. I began to
feel rahter flattered until one of them spoke up say-
ing "Say this will be the berries", can you put a rope
on that? — classing nu^ with some kind of ripe fruit.
They bought me and my life has lieen a dogs one
ever since, as it were.
What vexes my upholstery most though is the
fact that they don"t apreciate what I do for them.
Although I Idush to say it. I am the house man
trap. Four out of live engagements came on accotmt
of me and the fifth never would have landed the
poor boob she got if she hadn't have taken him for
a walk in the moonliglit. I know thats it cause I
jieard the sisters all agree to that when they were
sitting on me the next morning, They said "Its a
good thing that Onino took him out in the moon-
light. I can't for the life of me see how she did it.
"Say I had the grandest time with Eddie last night,
lie bought me" — and the same old chatter about
ilates and scalidel and cats started all over again.
Last night I got even, though. The house vam-
pire who has been trying to get a man for two
seasons nearly had some patent haired sklnney leg-
ged sap with a vest full of jewelrj'. Say she had
him right. He was beginning to yodel about her be-
ing the only girl in a Imsky tenor and she was say-
ing Yes yes go on and thinking oh Gawd (iirls at
last, I wonder how big the ring will be and what
kind of candy this gump will throw for the sistern.
If it aint bigger and better than Margies I'll just
die.
Then I broke a leg! Yea and let the mutt kiss
the deck gently but firmly. Wtdl the shock wasn't
so great to me altliongh its kinda hard to lose a
right hincf leg. His senses returned like a falling
elevator. Say — in the snap of a linger that bird had
flown from a fools paradise and lit on terra tirma
with a jar similar to the one the nit wits get on
the day the marks go up after a final examination.
He gi-abs his hat and mutters something about be-
ing hasty and takes the air and she runs up stairs
to yammer and tear her hair.
Oh Hum anyhow I'll get a vacation on the day
I go to the repair shop or the junk pile. I really
dont care nnuh wliat happens.
S
Little Clara brought a drawing to her Daddy —
a drawing comprising a circular scrawl of pencil
lines and a dot.
"That's -ittle ilil" .Mullet:'" she explained.
"But where is she'?"
"Oohl The 'spider frightened her away!"
And yet they write books on the Cubists !
S
"Your Englisli is rotten," said the Student as
tlie Professor missed his sliot. — Widow.
[19]
-"'T^-;"*-^- i *^--"-^" ?^=fe-^^^^^
'^:M'' ■'■:■.:''■ v.'-r^- '■'■>■■' ^:'
O Reader, do not hastily
Admire this pretty thing—
For though she swingeth lustily,
'tis but a practice swing.
[20]
smm
For Cultured Boys and Girls
{A)i)ioii)ici)i(j tlir J'libUctiliaii of thr llliiinis Magaz
i)ic, that Ciiiima of l^riniiiar I/ife)
Our literary Magazine, suriiaiuod The Illinois,
Preserves its dignity serene, despite the rowdy noise
Wliieli atlia-letes and journalists may lualce upon
the Campus:
With pure wliile gems and aniadiisls of words the
ilag doth vamp us.
Lem Phillips is the Editor; he is a quizzic clia]);
For tales lie's no ciunpelitor : I sat u|)on ins lap
Some two-score years or more ago, and as u little
child
I listened to tlie constant flow of language strange
and wild.
« » * *
And now, in acadenuc sliade. Lemuel has done with
lighting
The battles of the roving blade; for you and nu' he's
writing
The quiet pages of his Mag., — for cultured girls and
boys — •
Our literai-y Magazine, siirnamed The Illinois.
— Phinias Pigge.
We Object to the Knicker Girls
Let the Modern Woman, iuidudiug the Modern
Flapper, be as Bolshevic as she likes in all thoughts
and most acts; let her snu^ke, cuss, vote (of course),
play horseshoe, go wading, ride bicycles, roller-
skate, break windows, ring doorbells, read the Whiz-
bang, the Siren, and the Police Gazette — let her
do all these, and more — but in the name of Iilarth's
scroll of fair women — of Semiramis, Cleo, Helen,
Ko.saraond, Nicolette, Mrs. Syddons, and Anne I'en-
n'ington — let her keep to her sweet and decorative
impractibility in the matter of Clothes!
And, all in all, we thiidc she will.
Live and Learn
King Solomon and King David
Led merry merry lives ;
As lime wore on tliey wedded,
A many. in:iiiy wives.
Rut when old age cre|>t over them,
\\'ilh many, many (pialms.
King Solomon wrote the Proverbs,
King David wrote the Psalms.
— Found in deserted MSS.
S . .
Futures
The extinct Yohippus remarked
To his cousin the little Ti-kee,
"This moorland where we two aie ])arked.
In an age or so (Jreen street will be "
His cousin Tikee then replied,
"If such change be in store tor this land.
It is time that I lay down and died ;
It's a life that 1 never could stand."
S •
When In Rome
A gluttenous youth from Xew ^'ork.
Used to sneak out o' niglils and eat pork.
Rut his Father said "Ike,
"When such goodies you like.
You aint got no biz' in New York."'
■ S ■ —
Mother, have Father get breakfast;
I'm NOT to be (ineen of (he May!
[21]
HREN
Family Tragedy Sans Paroles
s
The Golden Road
HaiVmy aivuy on a road of gold
In a ship of dazzling white,
Romance is lost as the shadoics fold
Over the sunset light .
The sea is culm, the ski/ is clear.
The ship is a silhouette
Into the sun to disappear
Before the sun can set.
A smile of love in a happy hour,
A wraith of lovely mist;
A promise made in a faery howcr
At a lonely gohlin's tryst.
A promise made and heaven was nca^
Broken and heaven tvas lost ;
Happy ski('S are grey and dread,
Fair trees are tempest-tossed.
Romance is gone on that ship of gold.
Gold in the sunset light.
The hope of youth is grey and old,
As evening turns to night.
S
Speaking of Romance — has it oc-
cnred to yon tliat, tlumgli tlie n-ed pipe
ot Pan is now lieyed and bent to the
cnotonr of a saxophone, and thongh
the Castilian troubadov of ohl. with liis
guitar amid the ivy vines, has made
way for the motor trnck and twelve-
piece orchestra, and thongh Avalt)n has
long lieen de-located and sold in the
mart for a (piarter per copy — that
disjiite all this and more- the moon is
still large and yellow through the
mists, unclianged, unceiisored?
Wright Street
Wright Street andiles
Like a sprightly old lady
Past the sprightly campus.
Child alive !
Can you blame me
If I turn and look
At the bevy of cuties
Who pass?
They trip silkily
To the porch
Of their beloved
Sorority, Where wait
Sundry dazzling youths
With cigarettes,
And low collars.
And I pass on.
Here conies Sam
Raphaelson
Howdy, Sam!
And I pass on.
Another sorority ;
Another bevy
Of cuties.
A long black car
Swoops up to the
"Horse block"
And carts away
Its quota
Of cuties, to a
Conversational Elysium
Of love, mutual friends,
Dance after next,
I'arfaits, and scandal.
And I pass on.
More door plates.
More Greek letters,
Jlore cuties —
Then the
Y AA' C A —
Two committee members
Sit on the steps
\Vaiting for
Somebody.
I pass on.
The Union!
Soles of shoes
Peeping coyly
Over the pordi rail.
Wreaths of smoke
And many contidences.
And the faint tap
Of typewriters.
(Dear sir: Build
That Stadium for
Fighting lUini.
The Idle, Idyllic Idol
When morn erupts upon tlie Nile
And Sol bestows a crooked smile
On the Pragmatic Crocodile
Who eeleth on his way.
The ibis uttered his wail,
And then the melancholy snail
Zigzags a wierd and lonely trail
As he devours his prey.
A. lazy idol by the stream
Engrossed bad verses by the ream
And carelessly, as it would seem.
Set them afloat.
But some ship, without a bridle,
Hit a wave, and it was tidal —
It moistened woefully the idyll
That the idle idol wrote — A-'l25.
S
DID YOU EVER FOLLOW SOME-
THING LIKE THIS ALL THE WAY
TO AN EIGHT O'CLOCK? AND DID
IT SPOIL YOUR DAY?
S
Have you a pet scheme for Re-
forming the World?
Write to the SIREN about it.
If it's funny enougli, she will print
it. Slie is interested in your
schemes.
[22]
Niair
77i/.s' pagr, thix month iinnii/unitrd. xhiiU hi rniniiKntly dcvotid to trrsr, liiiixril, iiiodcnitil 1/ so/ilioiiiorir
coniiiirnt (HI tuples which <-itii, irilhout undue xtrex.s ujiou the fauei/, lie xuhheaded under the xeren diix. It
ix conducted by Olaf Burge.
Til tlu'so (lays of liti'i-ary inrsdus who do not
write and (for the sake of tlie i)ara(h)xl writers
who are not literary it is a delight to hear of the
sale of a sliort story wliicli liroiijiht an "A" from
Mr. Weirick in Khetorie 7. Tiie interesting yonng
author of this story is H. I. McEldowny, "22 whose
name apjieared on the eover of Adventure, issne of
Oetoher twelftli. The material for his story — its
name is Solomon — was gleaned |)artly from Mr.
.McKldowney"s exjierienees in the southwest and
jiartly from Hi.story 51a, under Professor Olmstead.
Mr. McEldowuey spent last summer in the West.
Tliis. eoui>led with another history course, should
soon result in another successful story.
* * * *
Something that we like doing ou Sundays, is to
attend four o'clock organ concert. There is nothing
like having a hearty and well-appointed meal, then
smoking an hour or .so in a not too positive manner,
and finally wandering to the Auditorinm for an
hour's music. Just to sink down in a semi-coma,
and let strains of "Finlaudia". or whatever it may
he, drift into one's being, is a near touch of that
much talked-of suburb. Paradise.
» » » e
'Tother evening wliile jawing with the Herr
Doktor Hillebrand, he took iis all in a heap by an-
nouncing that, iu his estimation, Scaiiegrace U. J.
Nathan is too highbrow. You can light it out. I
have to meet a bill.
* « * *
"While it is a little to late to mention enter-
tainment for jtrospective victims, our apple-cheeked
fraternity men may them.selves get no small delec-
tation from "A Song of India". It is an eminently
res]iectable dance record, played by Paul C. White-
man's Orchestra. The verso is taken up with a
Terpsichorean version of "I'n bel di veilremo" from
"Jladama Rntterfly''. (Traditionalists may be glad
to know that no less person than an lllinoix man
plays the saxaphone in both i-ecordings.)
*■::■»*
The bulk of that large, young, recumi)aMt beast
called the Student Body consists of inert, gray-
miuded individuals who spend here four years in a
contented daze, m.iking their •■(■"' average and watch-
ing other peo|de without seeing them. The remain-
der of the Body are the other iieo[ile. few in nuudier,
who take it n|ii)n themselves to keej) this Little
Elysium in motion. The least that the Bulk of the
Body can do is to support the activities of the Otiier
People.
All tills by way of i-ecommencling to ytm, (pres-
ent company excepted) the Illinois Magazine — the
^■arsity of the \'erbal Athletes.
« * ■» »
Because everybody loves an athlete, es]K'cially
one with an "I" over his wishbone, the SIKION has
with this issue inaugurated a column of unlearned,
but enthusiastic, sport dope. Page thirteen — for
luck.
Xo harm, surely, can accrue to anyone con-
cerned if the Siren permit herself the luxury of an
occasional recommendation. It is a matter of rec-
ord that, if a book be touted either for good or for
bad to five thousand assorted souls, some small
proportion of the five thousand are bound to read
that book. The proportion varies, I am told, from
.0023% to .1009%, directly with the authority and
reputation of the recommendation.
In the light of these statistics, we make bold
to direct your attention to a fairly "'old'' novel, by
one Knut Hamsun, entitled "Growth of the Soil'".
It has the double distinction of being published by
Knopf in two volumes. The binding is a tasty blue,
on which is superimposed title letters of China red.
It will look well in your shelves, if you haven't
too many yellow books.
Tile other day we were jolted out of our usual
class-room coma l)y lieai-iiig our geology lu-ofessor
ciuotiiig "Pinafore". The Welt.sclunerz is no more,
\ive la Mctorianismel
S
In passing, it might be well to remaik that "you
don't want lo miss" a hea<ly jiiece of writing calhMl
".Messer Marco Polo". It is d(Uie in a musical Irish
manner by bat somewhat I'iratic Irishman, l>oiiii
Byrne.
[23]
HfiEN
Dogmas
By I'lIINIAS TlGGE
GOOD (things I like)
People wIki never sla]) others on
the back. Sitting by a tire. Roast
goose. Waffles. Girls with gentle
voices. Admiration. Talking about
the war. The New Republic. Wei-
rick's classes. Some part of Green
street. Camels, "^^'edding invita-
tions. Admiration. Old ladies.
Bizarre pyjamas. English ways
of spelling. Hot poetry. Loud
neckties. Tlie library steps. Pub-
licity. W. M. Thackery's stuff.
Buck Buchanan's stories. Nnjol
advertisements. Admiration. Pri-
vacy. Cook books. Cooks. People
who know how to laught, but
don't. Wool socks.
BAD (Things I do not like)
Street cars. Some cats. Egyi)-
tian music and tobacco. Picnics.
Work. Lightiung. People who
cackle. People who don't like the
things on my wall. Canary birds.
Jlonday. Sinclaire Lewis. City
water. Geraniums, Sorority
porches. Sorority jokes. The sta-
tues in the English semiary. Shav-
ing. Psychoanalysis. Democracy.
Aesthetic dancing. Surprises.
Flies. Dance programs. Intellec-
tual poetry. Being laughed at.
Work.
INDIFFERENT (Things I don't
care about one way or another)
People I don't know. Engineer-
ing. Perfume. Phi Beta Kappa.
Amateur musicales. Snakes. Danc-
ing. Relativity. Long walks. Oth-
ers' opinions. Sleep. Earnest peo-
ple. Getting liair-cuts. Giraffes.
I'olitics, per se. Cajjc Horn.
Creased pants. Gravy.
S
"•liui Bilkins is dead".
"How come?''
"He stuck liis liead into the Re<l
Dog saloon and hollered FIRE".-
"Well?"
"They did".
How pleasantly and wisely
Is the Malted made!
How luscious its Ingredients!
Into the cup go syrups,
and into the cup is poured milk.
Sweet things, cold things,
things rich and exceeding tasty.
The cup is stirred mightily,
and finally —
upon the table
before the revellers
appears a most
delectable
drink.
Drink it through a straw — so.
It lasts longer.
The first taste!
Is it not sweet?
Does it not make you eager
(O Reveller)
for the second taste?
Now it Is half gone;
thirst Is somewhat quenched.
(But the taste — the taste!
'Tis not merely a matter
fo rthe thirst!)
What conversations,
and what dreams accrue,
while fitfully downward
sinks the surface
of this delicious Malted!
Now there Is a scant half inch
remaining. (Slowly, brother! Slow!)
Be sure and get it all — all.
Dont leave a drop.
Then —
It ends.
With an extremely unpleasant,
impolite, crass, fluid,
unseemly, loud,
hysterical
GURGLE.
That Is all,
revellers.
Go pay your check.
It's raining outside.
Those l-I-I
Oh, Mary has such lovely i-i-i —
They flash and rove about;
She's young, and yet she's very
y-y-y.
I'ast any nun-tal dou1)t.
Her eyes they rove about like
b-b-b
Tliey make me all a-tingle;
Slie can subdue nic with more
e-e-e
Than I can write a jingle.
a -a- * «
Tliose eyes on nie will turn, and
t-t-t,
Until I'm quite insane;
Alas! I'll go beyond the c-c-c
And slie'll start in again.— A.-'25.
-S-
The Campus Lexicon
1'0t)T — Tlie work of a horn.
The play of a tin horn.
FISH— Soniel)ody not brouglit up
in your county.
TEP — The principle of the squir-
rel cage.
DEAN — The scholastic mortician.
]S[iCE — The other half of lier vo-
cabulary.
BREAKFAST — Something to
think about during your eight-
o'clock.
FOX — Something to trot like.
C^\MEL — Sometliing to walk like.
1)I{EAM — Sometliing to b>ok like.
FLUNK — Nothing to write home
about.
CYNICISM— Growing j.aius.
FRIDAY— The beginning of the
end.
SYSTEM,— A way of arranging
Honor, Warner, and nerves.
WORK — A tradition fostered by
the College of Engineering.
COW-BELLS — Device to deter-
mine locus of cows and orchest-
ras.
DENTIST — The collegiate ottice-
boy's-dead-grandmother.
[24]
JSOEN
— +
+—-
KICKING!
The World's Favorite Sport!
Athletes, lllini and Mexican alike, would rather kick than
eat.
So would we.
We kick about everything.
You yourself probably kick now and then.
Now —
Let's get together on this kicking business.
You kick in with a dollar and a quarter,
And we'll kick out seven issues of
Hundred proof
Concentrated
Bombastic
KICK!
T
\
'
u
^
f
\
Ifl .
Make all checks payable to
The Siren and mail to
107 University Hall, Urbana, 111.
There's a Kick in the
JIKEN
DICK MINER
Plumbing and Heating Contractor
IDEAL HEATING
BOILERS
I'lioui' .Mjiii .■)(;!
219 West Main Street
URBANA, ILLINOIS
■!• —
[25]
HREN
Invite inr, to your houHc,
lilcuse. — Elect tic Al
iij DON'T have to lie coax-
I ed", says Electric Al.
Just ask hiiii to the
lionse ami i)ut liim to work.
He'll make yon see your
workaday problems in a dif-
ferent light. Whatever can
be done electrically should
be done that wav.
lM;fJ«3ll4ibd:i|i
CONSTRUCTION CO; INCr
Ver>Hthinq
electrical J^
OPP. INMAN HOTEL.
i>HDNE EAR. |ai3 '
Those Cigar Stand Girls
llniiied traveler: "l want some
of that what-j-m-call-it, it's named
after a man".
Fair feminine clerk: "Oh,
yon want Paul Mall?"
S
d<
The Theorist
"The proiier rollint; of cigaret-
tes," explained the Exjiert, "is to
he effected only througli patient
]>ractice. I will show you. First
you fold the jtaper — so. Then you
pour in the proper amount of Bull
— so. Then twist it between the
thumbs and the middle fingers,
taking care that the latei-al edges
are parallel. Then lick the u|)per
edge, paste it to the lower — and
there you are".
So saying, the Expert drew a
Fatinia from his case, lighted it,
and str(dled a wav.
Pure
Ice
Cream
TRY OUR BOSTONS
They Arc Special
Schulefs
On Main Street
CHAMPAIGN
^III III
The SIKEN wants an army of Contributors. pillers, crawfish, bacteria, bears, bullocks, or bison?
Po you draw jiictures of Pretty Girls? Or of Or of anything else? Did your Folks have hopes of
Dissapated Young ;Men? Or of Athletes, winning your being a Second (iibson?
the game at a crucial point? Or of monkeys, cater- Get in touch with the Siren. She is interested.
-1*
WHITE LINE LAUNDRY DEPOT-"|VIAIN 406"
4*— ll.l~.|ln-
[261
You will admire our
workmanship in all
lines of
Dyeing
and
Cleaning
Garments Called
for and
Delivered
Promptly
Carpets and Rugs Given
Special Attention
PARIS DYEING &
CLEANING WKS.
Call Main 1744
+-
Epitaph
It beats the band liow folks will weep.
When you lie in a coffin fast asleep;
Then they sing of your goodness in
countless ways,
While the parson preaches and tall<s
and prays.
Ob its queer bow the lads will eulo-
gize.
And laud you up to the vaulted skies
When the undertaker has called your
bluft
And squirted you full of embalming
stuff.
But when you walk on earth, I'll vow
You were' nothing more than a simple
cow
When you check out and turn up your
toes
The heartless public will unwrinkle its
nose.
Perhaps!
s
Tlu' ('ii<>;ineers
Take Klietoric
liccause they are
Kind liearted.
For as the}' say
They doiit need none
^^'hen once they j;et
Well started.
I
i
I
SIREN
A new candy
shoj) ill the
iii'w Iniildinir
KENNEDY' Q
ANDIEO
"lloilir i)f Sirrcl.f"
We make our
own candies in onr
own shop.
-+
+ . , . ,„ , , — „,_,._. , ,._„,_.,_,„_. „„_.
SENIORS!
Over 1000 of you to be photographed for the ILLIO.
UNTIL NOVEMBER FIRST
TO DO THIS
Don't be in the last minute rush. Call Main 1118 now
for appointment which will assure you of the best in
photography at the right price.
Official Illio Photographer
MAGUIRE STUDIO
J. E. Magiiire
220 W. Main Street
URBANA
P. W. Stephens
[27]
JIREN
4.._„„_„._,„ „ . — ., .,_., — , — Ml—. ,» — ,_«_, — .._,_. — , — , „_._„„_.„_._.,_„_„ ^ .,_4.
SEND IT TO GORDON'S FOR CLEANING
511 S. Goodwin Avenue /\ 1 >i U I IV tLOO 1 INI Vj 4232— Main
Nearly Everybody Reads
The Champaign News-Gazette
There are a tew more than 10,500 homes in Champaign County.
More than 9,200 of these homes are regular paid subscribers to The
News-Gazette. Tliat's why we say "Nearly Everybody reads The
Champaign News-Gazette.
— +
+r
+"■
Better Printing Will Improve
Your House Publication!
We urge those in charge of Fraternity and Sorority
House Publications to call and inspect samples
of House organs we have printed. You will
find our work to be of a superior quality
and we are equipped to deliver
either one of the popular four
page folders or a big book
like the Siren
ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY
On Green Street — Champaign
..,4.
.4.
+-«
[28]
A Pretty Prude
Hv (". K. X.
Is a CDiuiiKiii ]iai-;ulo.\. She is a ros('-|ilaiit that
lias jiiveii its eiuM-fjy to jji-ow flmriis to i>i-ick tin-
jiasserliy, but has noiu' to i)i-otec-t tlit' flowt-r. She
thrives iu the advei-sity of otiieis. Init witliers at
the slijihtest blow to lici-scH'.
Tiiose who hick beauty many c-oiiceivably object
to the enjoyment of it by otiiefs, hut in-ndisliness in
one en(b)wetl with natni-al pnlcliritnile is lii<e soui-
uess in fair fruit. Sniii a lady carries witli lier an
exaj;gerated self-esteem which strikes back upon her-
self if it be once broken, and may take her far in
the direction wliich sjie professes to abhor. Her
holy attitude gets her little sympathy from others
and little help for herself. It rather invites attack
than shields the one who hears it.
A pretty prude is usually deceived in her choice
of company. Her desire is rather propriety than in-
tegrity ; polish than honest simplicity. Carefnl flat-
terers and snxooth hypocrites find favor while daring
sportsmen are coldly shunned. She thinks not to
dream of love, but to marry respectability.
MBEM
4. — ._—
It's your Union and
your Cafeteria
ILLINOIS UNION
CAFETERIA
Owned and operated by the
Illinois Union. Service to
students at cost.
In the rniou Building
1
I
I
-+
I ANNOUNCING THE OPENING
The Coffee That Made
■•Sam" Famon.s
of SAM'S
Tea Inn
Light lunches will he served at the Tea Inn
until midniglit. Our service is especially designed
to accomodate ladies.
Wholesome
Clea n
Across from the
(■hem Huilding
[29]
JEOEIN
It
MORE ATTRACTIVE
THAN FINE PICTURES-
ARE OUR-
MODERIN
BATHROOM
FIXTURES
ISO
BATHROOM
FIXTURES
— From —
Apperson's Little Plumber
The Man Who Has a Past
J 11 uldcn (lays obscured in haze
Tiiat hung o'er land and sea.
The stone age lass saw lovers pass
Jiitcj eternity.
The nnird'rous cliili of some liig
dnl)
Would crash like falling mast.
Klie loved him, cause she tlioiiglit
he was
A man who had a past.
'Tis thus today, as people say,
A^'llen woman sets her caj)
To capture some benighted hum,
AVhose brains can barely flaji.
We wonder why, and then we
sigh,
For"t conies to us at last
Tlie reason she loves him. you
see :
L. W. Apperson
Plumbing and Heating
Phone Main 906
120 S. Race St. URBANA
I
I
j The poor e^g- has a past.
1 s
J It's all right aliout tlie functiun
I of a rubber on the end of a lead
j |ieiicil — but why not be the kind
of man who can use a fountain
]>en ;
G. W. Lawrence
Music Store
The only ])laee you have a
clioice of records, Columbia,
\'ictor, or Brunswick. Col-
undiia, Brunswick and ^'ic-
tor phonograjihs.
Come in and let us demonstrate
the different tones for you.
We also have a large line
of string instruments and
Saxaphones.
G. W. LAWRENCE
I
j 112 W. Main Street
I URBANA
I
"MIKE", said tlie judge sternly, "the testimony
shows that yon hit tliis man twice."
"I did not, y'r lionor," dechired tlie defendant
stoutlv. "The fiir-st time I hit him I missed him."
1st. Coed: "I kissed Bob last night."
2nd Chicken: "Is that right?"
1st Co-ed: "No. but it"s so." — Jester.
Zona Gale, who wrote Miss Lulu Bet, hdnored the
caniims with her presence last week-end.
We did not have the pleasure of meeting her. We
confess, in deed, that we are inclined to be a trifle
non])lnssed in the i)resence of that iiersoiiage. For
we, subjected to the aiuilytical eye which tore into
the souls of the Lulu Belt characters, feel that our
iiiiworlliiiiess would lie mure than we could bear.
*,l m im nil lin iiu uii m. iin m mi mi mi m mi iiu m. mi <in im im mi mi mi m mi in iiii im mi iiii mi m im iii mi mi mi mi im A
S Main Street, Champaign
Phones: Garfield 1121: Main 1
Smith & Picard
Meats Brought from the Farm to You Direct
HOME KILLED MEATS, POULTRY, PORK
AND LARD
WHOLESALE
•CJmmpaign's Cleanest Markrl'
RETAIL
+_,i_. II, ._„ , . , _, , ._,„ „_m „ ,|_.|_„ ._„ „_| i„_i._, „_i._,._._i. 4.
130]
GREEN
TEA POT
i
I
I
a
I
Lunch
11:30-1:30
Dinner
5:30-7:00
Afternoon Lunches
3:00 to 5:00
Sunday Dinner
12:30 to 2:00
Evening, 5:30 to 7:00
GREEN STREET
Main 3161
+ —
I
1
I
I
s
Twin City Phonetics
l?ill stiu-k liis lieail iiisiili- tin-
'lihiiiu> booth. Till' "plioiK- was in
list- — ^liefore Bill slint the tloor Ik'-
liiiid liim he heard a brother sav.
••(luess who this is".
Tell uiiuutes later the gue.ssiiij;
contest was still on.
'•('heck out of here I" yelled the
e.\as]K'rated Hill to the couvei'sa-
tioiial servant. "iSay wliat you
have to say and hang up. 1 can't
wait all night".
The rei)tiliau brother obeyed,
sulkily, aud went his ways..
Bill enteretl the booth.
"Main 4919. Anno Domini. " he
demanded. After the ojierator lu'.d
the company lay the wires be-
tween the two connections —
"Marie there'?"
"Hello Marie? .... (lucss icho
//(/•s- is!"
And so on. — J.F.L.
J]fi£N
Dance
Programs
PARKER FOUNTAIN
PENS
STATIONERY
BULLETINS
Our work has a quality and
distinctiveness that we feel
certain will appeal
to you
GEO. D. LOUDEN
PRINTING
CO.
n'aJiiut St., Ctiainpaign
4 .-
WE SUPPLY ICE
CREAM
For church festivals, fairs, banquets and
other large gatherings where food refresh-
ments are served. We guarantee prompt
deliveries of the best ice cream made un-
der strictest sanltan.- conditions and shall
be pleased to arrange with committes and
others for supplying this best of all
refreshments and deserts.
Champaign Ice Cream Co.
Bell 175
115-117 E. University
Auto 2107
.4. 4m-
I I
I I
I I
1 1
i I
I I
I I
1 f
i i
I
I
s
I
I
E
I
I
3
I
i
I
+-
cflliaa^
Cafeteria
610 East Green St.
Popular Prices
[31]
HREN
Eighteenth Century Love
{THE LAST TIME I WAS HOME— I foniycd
ill the (jarrit, in the hojic that my old fixliiiif/hfxits
might come to tight. The hoots, alas, I fi'ar arc goiir
forever, for thr l'i(j(j< ruts icrrr ever lorcrs of good
Para rubhcr; get the search iras not irHIioiit jili'iis-
iiiy result, for in a yelloircd and rackety old lielloirs-
valine I found my Great (Irandame Lorina-lietsey's
copy of Welister's Reader. And in that reader I
found much food for reflection, I haring been lately
engrossed in some romances of the Cosmoiiolita ii
School. By way of contrasting with "She thrilled
to his touch!" and other Chamberisms, I ainteiid, at
ri.ik of boring you, a few quotations from this guide
to Young Ladies of Another Day. — Phiuias Pigge.)
Modesty, Doubt and Tender Affection
Agathock's and Calista
Calista was young and beautiful, endowed with
a .ureat sliare of wit and solid sense. Agatliocles,
whose age very little exceeded hers, was well made,
Inave and prudent. He iiad the good fortune to be
intro<lnced to Calista, where his looks, wandering
indirt'erently over a nnniero\is circle, soon distin
guished and fixed upon her.
2. But recovering from the short ecstacy oc-
casioned by the first sight, lie immediately reproach-
ed himself, as being guilty of rudeness to the rest
of the com])any; a fault which he had endeavored
to correct, liy looking round on other oljjects. Vain
attempts! They were attracted by a powerful cliariu,
and turned again towards Cali.sta. He blushed as
well as she, wliile a sweet emotion, till then unfelt,
produced a kind of fluttering in his heart, and con-
fusion in his countenance.
y. Agatliocles at last resolved to open his heart
to Calista; But he did not do it in tiie affected
language of a romantic passion. "Lovely Calista"
said lie ingenuously, "it is not mere esteem that
brings me to you, but a most passionate and tender
love. I feel that 1 cannot live without you : can you,
without violence to your inclinations, consent to
make me liap])y? I may love you without offence;
'tis a tribute due to your merit: but may I flatter
myself with the hope of some small return?
10 Nor did she put his constancy
to a tedious trial: tlie hai>piness for wliich lie sighed
was no longer delayed than was necessary to i)re-
pare the ceremony.
-S-
' Round About
Howard — "My l)Ut you iiave a trim little waist 1"
May — "Yes there's no getting around that."
—MICHIGAN GARGOYLE.
Give Tone
to your party
by serving a little better
kind of pastries, cakes
and rolls. We make up
special orders of all
kinds — gingerbreads,
doughnuts, cakes and
almond slices.
Perfect Bakery
12 Main St.
Garfield 1383
+■ — '
"Ask Us How
yy
SUMMERS
ELECTRIC
COMPANY
31(5 N. HicKouY
Main i.jtii
Cham pah; X
"Always First in Things Elect rical"
[32]
HREN
Reciprocity
His ()\\-ii 'ittle Wifii- — -ril put the studs iu
your shirt, dear .if you'll powder my back." — LOS
'ax(jeli:s ExrKEss.
"Topics of thr Day" J'ilin.s.
S
WatcliOut!
I'eree took out his Utile wateli.
lie looked it iu the face.
The hauds. he tliouj;liI. for tlie tiiue of day,
■Were iu a funny place.
The second hand was still as deatli.
His head spun like a top.
••<> gosh", he said, in one long breath.
I'll take it to a shop.
The jeweler, with his one good eye.
He looke<l the ilarued thing o'er.
Then saiil to I'erce. witli smile awry.
"I know I'll make you sore —
But my advice to you. my son.
A\'heu this fo(tl thing will uo more run.
Would be to wind the sonofagnn —
Three berries please".
J. L.
The Molluscoid
( ). Dorothy I'vkoi-se: Well. dear, and liow did
the Blind Date pan out'/
.Mii'abelle Coylish : Fail-, but not warmer. He
was two iiiclies siiorlci- than I .only liad tickets for
UiMilh-y. said lie didn't have a drag witii the ( ". II.
doorkeeper, ordered a Coke — first, my dear I — at tiie
Idol, oidy spoke to live people during the evenuig,
wore black lisle socks, .seemeil to think the music
was funny, asked me if I had a date for ue.xt Fri-
day night, and .said goodliye out on the walk.
O.D.r. : (iracious! (Of course, she didn't say
•gracious' I He couldn't lia\e been more tlian a -lun-
iorl
. ._,_._._._._.__._.__. .{.
I
Corona Typewriters |
For Rent I
I
If you want to buy a machine after renting |
it 2 months, rental will be applied on the |
purchase price 1
+-
I
I
I
I
I
I
R. C. White & Company
612 E. Green
I
Royal Corona Agency [
!
* — ._,__, ,_._._._. . . . , *
We Specialize
In Furnishings for Sororities and Fraternities
When you make your purchase of Moorehead's
you are assured of quality, price
and service
We Solicit Your Charge Account
MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY
Neil and University IN THE BUSINESS DISTRICT
+ — — — • — ' — —— : — .—. — . . c_c
Champaign
— — ♦
[33]
1IR£N
A "MARY" ANTHOLOGY
(Courtesy of "Topics of the Day" Films)
Honey Love
Mary luul a swarm of bees,
She loved their buzzing lives;
They, too, loveil their Mary, 'cause
Their Mary had tlie hives.
— Wasllin(/t()ll Times.
-::■ * -A- -A-
Curtain Time
Mary wore two silken sox,
Rolled down below her knee;
Bi. Miiry once had chickenpox ;
tVhicli spoiled the scenery.
— Cantcgir Pupin't.
* * * *
Sandwich Isles
Mary had a little land)
Between two hunks of bread,
The S.P.C.A. did not complain
Because the lamb was dead.
— YaudeviUr Nc ws.
She Saw "Topics"
Mary had a little laugh.
Which sounded like a giggle ;
It followed her most everywhere
And kept her all a-wiggle.
— liutfjcrs.
Oily Scheme
Mary has a little lamp.
She has it trained, no doubt ;
For every time I call on her
The little lamp goes out.
—Ohio .S'H/i Di<il.
S
"When breezes are soft and skies
are fair
I steal an hotir from stvuly and
care"
and it ends ....
"An image of that calm life ap-
pears
That won my heart in my greener
years".
Give Us That Party Order .
J and We'll Give J
I
You
Quality and
Service
I
I Remember— [
I "^^'e make it right, and 1
I deliver it On Time". 1
1
f BERRYMAN i
i BAKERY I
! 213 South Neil \
! On the Way to Town
I
4, — „„ — „ ._.„_.„_„_„ 4. ■
"-+
Your Money is Yours -
After It is Ours
Even
If a Hart Schaffner & Marx suit or Overcoat does
not come up to you expectations from the cloth
right up to the collar, come back forthe purchase
price.
M. Lowenstern & Sons
Urbana
[34]
I
STATIONERY
For Individuals or
Fraternities
100 Sheets. 7x10 inches
and 100 Envelopes S^sxTi^
tin good bond stock for f2.S0.
Each printed form not to
exceed four lines of 2V2
inches in length.
+•
+■■
PEASE PRINT
SHOP
22 JIa:n Street
CHAMPAIGN
. — . 4.
Kodak Finishing
and Picture
Framing
Film left before 9:00 is ready
at 5:30. Prints are made in our
own shops on Velox. We supply
you ■with fresh film for your
Kodak and a memory Book for
the pictures.
c
Our exceptionally large stock
of Mouldings and carved stand
frames for portraits will en-
able you to frame your pictures
artistically.
Strauch Photo-Craft
House
"The Home of Good
Kodak Finishiiif/"
Fulfillment
He was whirling through fields
i'Jv.sian. tripiting (alas!) the light
fantastic. A\'illi tickled toes he
pirouetted, writhinj; in lieavens of
I diss. The music was as the
laughter of the gods. The floor
was like a beautiful beach of
white sand, rippled by the waves.
A thousand lights danced in the
room, making it an incandescent
palace of brightness. They glared
with the constancy and uiirelcng-
tingness of fixed stars, whose light
might have stopped a thousand
years ago.
And the boy. with his arm en-
circling a goddess of supreme
slimness. knew that height to
which the soul may attain but
once. He must .save the moment!
ifust keep it forever and ever, to
be a joy unto his old age and an
heirloom to pass to his children!
This goddess, this nymph, might
.share with him a moment eternal-
ized, drawn out into years and
years! The rhythmic swaying of
the dance was intoxicating. She
must feel it too ! He must speak !
But wait, she was addressing him :
"Say, yuh poor dumbell, can't
you keep on your own feet?"'
-S-
.—.—.4.
Movie Waist
Mary had a little waist.
Where nature made it grow:
But everywhere the fashion went.
The waist was sure to go.
— Tc n )i e.isee M ugirutnii.
S
Tlie only safe way to travel the
"Straight and narrow road", is to
wear blinders.
HfiEN
The Height of Something
Tlic /ing of a steel-coated liullel
As it passes an inch from your
ear;
The crash of a stone on the jiave-
ment
That's thrown l)y a thug in your
rear.
The growl of an open-mouthed
bull-dog'.
The roar of a tiger enraged ;
The whirr of a rattlesnake's
rattles ;
The snarl of a lion uncaged.
The tremor that preceeds an
earthquake;
The blood on a wildman's lance;
Not one gives the awful sensation
Of a garter that l)reaks at a
dance.^ — A.L.S.
*■■
I
I
"I
I
YOU'LL UlvE IT
at the
" Delicat "
ON THIRD ST.
Where service is always
! clean and food is always
wholesome and
appetizing
OPEN
UNTIL
MIDNIGHT
G. A. OSTRAND
Prop.
[35]
Msm
Pooh! Fish! Who Cares?
Three young meu, well lit up, were traveling up
a mountain side on a cable car.
••Whoops, we're goin' to Heaven." hicced one
of the inebriates.
"Young man, if this cable breaks you'll change
your destination," rasped the disgusted old lady in
the front seat. — A.L.S.
S
The pessimist needs cheering up.
The optomist expression,
Each lets the Siren song seduce
His cranium's oppression. — A.L.S.
S
Full Share
Mrs. O'Bi'ieu — ••My hiisl)and never goes onl
looking fo rtrouble like yours."
Mrs. Murphy — •'! suppose he gets all he wants
at home." — Topics of the Day" Films.
Such a Good Boy
Mrs. Morgan — "And so your boy lias been taken
off to a reformatory for stealing.
Mrs. Jameson. What a shame!"
Mrs. Jameson — "Yess isn't it I And him such
a good boy too. Always brought everything home
to his mother."— LONDON :MA1L.
Aroma
Professor Omar Khyani in the old and ancient days,
An astronomer and poet of most fatalistic ways,
Wrote a book the Eubiyat
About wine and such as that.
(Which the Orientals didn't know was untit for
our days.)
When you speak of Mr. Omar now, you do not
mean his verses,
(He's an aromatic object for Miss Lucy Page's
curses)
He is just a cigarette,
Just a smoky, glowing jet.
And he comes in paper bindings and empties out
our i)urses. — A.L.S.
DEE'S
Home Cooking Just Like Mother's
YOU'LL LIIvE IT
One block west of campus
on Daniel Street
Meals 35c
THAT CANNOT BE DUPLICATED
4>n — .> — ■■ — « — .. — II. — I. — .. — >• — II. — I- — ■" — I" — " — I" — «. — ■■ — ■■ — ■■ — 11+
The MERLE
THAT slender grace in footwear, so
pleasing to feminine eyes, is the
characteristic of this dainty pattern
which prompted its name, the Merle,
after the pretty blackbird of France.
Patent Leather
SNYDER & SNYDER
Bradley Arcade
312 Hickory St.
Novelties for Dances
KNOWLTON & BENNETT
URBANA
SPECIALIZE
in new and distinctive novelties
for fraternity and sorority dances.
When planning your dance con-
sult us for suggestions.
We lead in every line we carry
We Guarantee
Hiiv wliere v(m get satisfaction
.,+ +,
[36]
A Gateway — Electrical
ONLY a forty-foot gateway bounded
by two brick pilasters and orna-
mental lamps, but it is unlike any other
gateway in the entire world.
For back of it is the General Electric
Company's main office building, accom-
modating 2300 employees. And just
next door is its main laboratory with the
best equipment for testing, standardiz-
ing and research at the command of ca-
pable engineers. Then down the street a
mile long — are other buildings where
electrical products are made by the
thousands of electrical workers who
daily stream through.
Through this gate messages and repre-
sentatives from a score of other factories
and over fifty branch offices come and
go every hour — an endless chain of co-
ordinated activities carrying on and en-
larging the scope of over a quarter cen-
tury's work for the betterment of
mankind.
What a story this gate would tell, if it
could, of the leaders of the electrical in-
dustry and of ambassadors from other
industries and institutions — and from
foreign lands. The story would be the
history of electric lighting, electric
transportation, electrified industrials
and electricity in the home.
General Office
Schenectady, N. Y.
9S-*S0H
^xu f juumn ' fl(HM}er6^
''Service
AFP
2:n
TKE
0AX
ATii
AKE
Fraternities and Sororities
For House parties and Dances we give special prices
which will save you money.
Our prices are down to normal.
The fraternities and sororities here named and doz-
ens of others know that the quality and freshness
of our flowers is the best, without a doubt.
SimpJy phonf us that you want flowers sent
to your mother or sweetheart in any eity in
the U. S. or Canada, and tee will take care of
the rest.
"We are members of the Florists' Telegraph
Delivery"
Main Store
112 North Neil Street
M. 908 G. 1075
WM. JOS. A\'ERSTLER '19
Mgr.
University Office
Campus Boot Shop
609 Green Street
exr
JOS. KUHN & CO.
Green Room
Loyalty Clothes
The Most Important
Thing About Good
Clothes
Granted, of course, that they're good, the first
thing that the young man asks from them is
Style. And it is Style in Good Clothes that
you get every day in the week from our Hart
Schaffner & Marx Suits and Overcoats.
Central Illinois' Greatest Store for Men
CHAMPAIGN
QUALITY GROUP
SltPHEN F. WHITMAN &. SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U. S. A.
Sole makers o/ Whitman's Inslantaneoui Chocolale, Cocoa and Marshmailow Whip
Whitman's famous candies are sold by
JJrhana
Champaign
Mouyios Bros. Schuler Bros.
University Pliarmacy, 705 S. Goodwin Ave. Arcade Confectioneiy
Urbana Drug Company, 111 W. Main St. (J. A. Thornhill)
Special
Illinois
Package
SIREN
Fiidci- the licadiiij; "(ias Over-
comes <:iil Mln\c Taking Bath",
the following appears in a local
jiaper:
"Miss Cecelia M. -lones owes her
life to the watclifnlness of Joel
Collev, elevator hoy, and Knfns
Baucon, janitor'". — (ihost.
Vision
It was early morn, tlie swords of Sol had jnst
stripped away night's tarlatan. In the distance I
conld hear the babble of a swelling stream. The
early warblers had begun to flute their first notes
in praise of the coming day. Then first I saw her,
willowy, clad in a diaphanous gown swaying in the
breeze. She seemed to be searching for someone, "Is
it I, gossamer of my dreams'", Is it I you seek, my
soul mate. She hears she turns; she sees me, and
stretching her arms towards me she cried, "Oh Os-
mosis, those damn kids stole the milk again". — A"2.T.
S
"Say wlio was that ugly girl I saw you with'.'
Angrily, "That's my sistei"".
"She sure can dance".
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
Under
the Chessing
Spreadnut Tree
the Villiage
Smithy Stands
But you wouldn't take your Fountain
Pen to a blacksmith for repairs
Take it to RIDER at
RIDER'S
PEN
SHOP
HE'S A PEN MAKER
Just North of the Postoffice on Wright St.
"Rider for Pens"
New Caps
Gelvin lias just received an-
other large shipment of the
celebrated Crofit and Knapp
caps. These caps are all made
up in the newest materials and
latest styles. You can appreci-
ate them only by seeing them.
Gelvin's Clothes Shop
Green Street
Your Party Will
Be a Greater
Success
if you avail yourself of the ad-
vantages this store is offering
you. A complete stock at all
times of favors, balloons, ser-
pentine, ticklers, decorations,
and party requirements of ev-
ery description.
Knowlton & Bennett
URBANA, ILLINOIS
"We Lead in Every Line We Carry"
[2]
SIREN
BEN HOWARD
Howard's Print
Shop
Makers of the very
Finest
Printing
120 N. Walnut Street. Champaign
t-
I
i
I
One of Life's Mysteries
A\'liy do tlu-y cnll uiclu'ls and
dimes "Chickeu Feed?" — licaupnt
S
Siiidc: "You can't really im-
ajjiiie what distractions there are
wliih' studying;. Dad. Why, only
last ni{;ht three different fellows
drojipcd in and wanted nie lo have
a little drink with them".
Dad : "I hope your answer was
the same each (ime, son".
Stude (emphatically) : ''It was".
— Gargoyle.
S ■
Friend : "Don't stand his non-
sense. Bill. Hit "im"
Prize Fighter: "Wot? For no
ptirse nor gate money?"
— London Opimon.
S
Fijiht O'clock (waking room-
mate) : "It's ten to eight".
Koonimate (sleepily) : "Wait
till the odds get better. Then
place it all''. — Widotc.
You will admire our
workmanship in all
lines of
Dyeing
and
Cleaning
Garments Called
for and
Delivered
Promptly
1
I Carpets and Rugs Given
z
I
Special Attention
I
I PARIS DYEING &
1 CLEANING WKS.
I
I
Call Main 1744
i
Flowers by Wire
How long has it been since you sent flowers by
wire ? — o/" course you know it can be done !
How about Mother, or Sister, or 'The One Girl" who is in some far-
off city or town? Surely you want her to know that you are still
thinking of her. Well then— phone
Main Store — 112 North Neil Street; Phones: Main 908; Garfield 1075
University office — Campus Boot Shop, 609 Green Street
[3]
HREN
I
University
Pharmacy
Everything that a good
drug store should
have
READ!
We DeUver
FRED J. FRISON
Main 134 505 S. Goodwin
^._,. — ,_„ . 4,
The Flapiter : — "Oh, mother,
can I go to the Masquerade to-
morrow as a milkmaid?"
Mother: — "No, child, yon are
too small".
T. F. : — "Then can 1 go as a con-
densed milkmaid?" — Voo Doo.
-S-
Stude: — "AVhat has Jim done
with his mnstache?"
Stewd : — "I don't know, I mus-
tache him". — Widoir.
With the Aid of Right
Lighting !
Arithmetic, grammar and
spelling — tough propositions
for children. Yet, like the
help of an older mind, right
lighting can do its part to
make them easier. Won't you
let us help solve your lighting
problem?
CHANDLER
ELECTRIC
SHOP
107 W. Main St.
,„ „„ » ., ,. „ ., ,« n, .. u. „. ..-j, » >.. .., .11. ... ... » ... «.
Apparel and Distinctive Finery
for University Women
-*
1
I
■
!
McAllister Stores
\Miere every effort is niade to satisfy the apparel wants
of the University girl. The maximum of Style, Quality,
and Value is combined to insure complete satisfaction.
Main Street
Urbana
''The Urbana Store
for Women''
,,._._._,._„.._._„_.,_. —
„_-_„_. — ,._„_.._.._. ._,._. — 4>
[41
Q
3S wipea ouc
in cigarettes
I
You carit help but [ij^ them!
7y,ey are DIFFERENT -T^ey are GOOD
JIREN
I
'+ He: — "I wish I were a stai-". +— ,,.—,»i—.»— ...—.»— .1.—..— ..—»,— .,_™_,
She: — "I wish you were a '
comet ; then you'fi only come 1 Give Us That Party Order
Your Account
Will Be Welcome
At This Bank
No red tape and no charges for
opening an account with us
First State Bank
URBANA
arouiid once every h'OO years".
— Or<nt(/r I'lil.
and We'll Give
You
Quality and
Service
1
He: — "I thinlc there is some- =
tiling (lovelilve about you". §
She :— "Not really" j
He: — "Sure. You're pigeon- |
toed". — Drcxcrd. J
He : — "My, hut that is a beauti- I
ful arm you have". 1
She: — "Yes, I got that ]ilaying J
basket-ball". !
He: — "Do you ever play foot-
ball?"— Too Doo.
Remember—
"AVe make it right, and
deliver it On Time".
BERRYMAN
BAKERY
213 South Neil
On the Way to Town
There's This Satisfaction About It!
When you open one of our bundles and inspect the garments we
have cleaned — you'll be pleased. Whether it's a man's suit or a lady's
waist, each piece receives expert care in every stage of the handUng, so
that there can be only one result — good work.
Clean Clothing Means Clothes Economy
College people know of the excellent work we do in removing stains and
soils and in keeping apparel in good wearable and presentable appear-
ance. Do you?
It' you have garments laid aside in the closet, send them to us. We
can clean them like new and save you money
Work Called for and Delivered
The American Dry Cleaning Company
I
I
1
I
.„+
-4.
I
I
•h'fficiciil 0)11} RcHablc"
W. CLARK
217 W. Main St. Phone Main 3537, Urbana, Illinois
('li'a)iiii(i. Dijci)iy, Prcsniwj
I
+-
[6]
JIREN
Docs "College Life" siriki- yimr liiiiiiy-lioiiL' ;il
times ? ■
How?
I'ut it (111 ]iM|icr :iiiil scnil it li> llie Siren. Willi
voiii- iiel|>, till' <'|(1 (iiil will he alilc In say. wilii
Keriianl Siiaw, llial "•1 am an i'.\|ieit iiickcr of ineirs
braiii.s, and I liave been fortunate in tiie clKiicc nf
my friends."
S
A\'e sore feel .sorry for the poor f;ny that j,'nt
his faee all cut liy liekinj; tlie pieces at a boat lanncli-
iiig.
S
('iistomer: How do yoii sell yonr liiiibcrser
cheese ?
Grocer: I often wonder too.
S
Did ya ever notice how easy it was to f;et nii
early in the morninj; the night before.
S
Hickory dickory doc.
The patients lined up for a block
Sickness of all descrii)tions
Lined up for prescriptions
(1h licker me licker me Doc.
Kelly-Springfield Tires
"To swear is neither brave, polite nor
v.ise," said Pope. Bui it's about the only
consolation left to the man who has bought
cheap tires expecting to get Kelly mileage.
Churchill, Bengston & Miller
115-117 North Race Street
URBANA. ILL.
Originally the idea of Capt.X
— Now the idea of all who are
particular. Forever a big suc-
cess. Round, loosely rolled
with a free and easy draught.
PALL mil
FAMOUS CIGARETTES
[ounds
^ /^ 'plain ends) ^ /%
20 in ,■'--■" 50c
tiul pack:ige
c^
ey ay^uood Utjte
PALL MALL (REGULAR) PLAIN OR CORK,
IN BOXES CF 10, 50, 100 AS USUAL.
[7]
SIREN
^'iiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiii [imiiiiiiiiiaii iiiiinmiiiiiiiiioiiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiii a\i
The parrot is the only bird which is noted for the way it talks
rather than for what it says
Dennison Party
Goods
How many days until Christmas
Dennison goods have no equal
Dainty Decorative goods are made for every pur-
pose. Let us make your party favors.
"Chuck" Bailey
606 E. Green
Shelby Himes
You can teach a parrot to say, "Just as Good" but he doesn't
know what he's talking about
-.iiiiiiiEiiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiii uiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiin iiiiiitiniiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiEiiiiiiiiiii imiiieiimiiiiiiiiidi igiiiiiiiiiiiiEiiiii lEiiiiiiiiiiMiniiiiiiiiiiiiEi tiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiT!
[8]
To you, good friends, who have gone
before us and are now returning for a
space; who know better than we why
the arbored walk on Daniel Street goes
by the name of Lovers' Lane; who have
felt the old martial thrill of Football
Saturdays; you who have made and
smoothed all the little paths we follow
now — to you, good friends, we give
greeting. We are very glad you have
come.
[9]
T. P.'uucKLAXD, Editor; George B. Switzek, Art Editor; Morgan L. Fitch, Business Manager; J. A. Nuckolls,
G. V. Buchanan, Jr., Contributing Editor; Jack Tuttle, Advertising Mgr.; R. J. Werer, Foreign Adv. Mgr.; R. H.
Exchange Editor; Hoken Hoie. CUmtri'buting Artist. Ferguson, Circtilation Mgr.; R. R. Fowler, Asst. Bus. Mgr.
Editorial Statf
A. L. Straus L. M. Stobmont
Agnes Vrooman P. B. Bass
0. D. Bltrge Leonard Hunt
Chase Juuah Cuas. E. Noyes
Business Staff
G. E. Darling
R. E. Den/.el
C. R. Defenbaugh
Burt Hltjo
J. A. Taylor
Hugh Fechtman
Helen Moore
Bruce Cowan
Fl-OYI) Mochon
J. A. O'Brien
J. B. O'DONNELL
W. C. RUNKLE
S. W. Rydemski
T. L. Shuktelle
Mary Hopkins
J. O. Keth
Art Staff
G. V. Buchanan Shannon Meriwether
Beatrice Adams Dorothy Schulze
Martin Topper Helen Hottinger
C. W. Baughman Constance Freeman
M. R. Marx Elizabeth Boggs
J. J. Brekee
3
Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the
postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the
year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois.
HOilE i.s a \v(ii(l of deep sigiiiticaiue. It denotes
that state of beiuy where our s]iii-itual hat
has liiuig for a long time, more, perhaps, than it
signifies any definite phice. A homecoming, then,
is as niiuli a return to a well-remeinhered state of
mind as it is a jonrnej', via train, to such a place
as Urbana, Illinois.
Put yourselves, good old friends, into the sopho-
moric way of thinking this weekend, that you may
better through an observation of our idiocies and
virtues, recollect and revamp your own. We do not
demand dignity from you; we do not even insist
that you be a good example to us.
We want you to have one deuce of a good time.
* * * *
In passing, it might be said that nmcli pomp
and pageantry is lieing .set afoot by w^luit seems
to be resourceful .iiid clficient leadership. I'aities
tliere are, and parades; speeches and junketings. All
as it should be— so be it that you, take it all in with
tlie old undergraduate zest. Be atavistic!
S_
in iiou-reading conmiunlties. the writ lug of
editorials is diverting and harmless.
-S-
Recent talks, given by students on the subject
of limitation of armaments, give one the comfortable
feeling that the spark of nndei'graduate initiative
still burns.
S
The return of T.N.E., feared — perhaps feared
is not the precise word, by Dean Olark, is remenis-
cent of an ei)igrani sin-ung recently by a ])rominent
fJreek-letter gent: "The only real secret of organiza-
tions is that thev have no secrets''.
[10]
HREM
THE DAILY 1 I.I.I XI is aiMHiiiiiij; what Doc.
AiiKilil used jestingly to term High Serious-
ness . It is Id be tlioiiglit that the revered stall' is
having ;f lot of fun doing it — else why do it ? J}egin-
niug the year witii jeremiads on illegal Seniorbeiu-li-
ingand the institution of the Xinetyiiine Year Date,
it has rapidly enlarged its cii-cle of disopproval until
it recently threatened tiie ivy crowned ramparts of
the Illinois T^nion itself.
The Siren is, avoweilly. a magazine of the
humorous ilk, hut she hows lier head in humhli'
asseut to the fact that an adequate handling of the
recent Union Constitution Bicker is beyond her
powers of jest.
Thus endeth our monthly jibe at the publicists.
S
NATIONAL prohibition has brought in its wake
certain probleuis of manners and morals
which, in sweeping the nation, have not entirely
passed by our nation's universities. Our share of
the problem — not, fortunately, a heavy share, — must
be faced squarely and solved. Whether the solution
come from the student body or the Counsel of Ad-
ministration is for the student body to decide. Ver-
bum sap.
When the final examinations are upon us, we
will find ourselves meekly abiding a new rule. No
more will we step outside the Fragenzimmer for
fresh air, contemplation, and rest. The Honor Com-
mission — O wise judge I O excellent young man I —
will have us at our muttons until they are gnawed
to the very shanks. Ours not to reason why.
Putting salt on Honor's tail, as it were.
S
The SIREN is indebted to Dr. AVeirick and his
class in the Khetoric Six course for numei-ons pointed
l)aragraphs which are scattered ovei- this issue.
FKO.M WlSCUXSl.X came, the other day, an old
friend — Paul Leach it was, formerly of this
university — who is on the statf of Wisconsin's hum.
mag., the Octopus. He bore tidings wiiich would dis-
gruntle any local editor. Xt ^^■iscousin, said Paul,
three thousand copies of the Octopus are sold each
time of publication. He added that "everybody, on
publication day, gambolled about with a copy of tlu;
Oct. under his arm".
The Octopus is a most excellent magazine. We
get it and read it with gusto every month. Compari-
sons are odious. Particularly odious, in this case,
is comparison of circulation.
AYisconsiu backs the Octopus, and regards it
as an interesting expression of her waj's.
Illinois — meaning seventy three hundred out of
eight thousand of you, old top I — is at present back-
ing the Siren about as heavily as she backs the
Atlantic Monthly.
A simple reform would be this : that every stu-
dent who reads the Siren, read in the futui-e from
his own copy.
iJeruard Shaw says that the educated man is
a greater nuisance than the uneducated one. For
once we are the ardent believers in Shavianism.
How well he expresses our fireside .sentiments when
he speaks of the harndess joys of drifting down the
midstream of mere ignorance.
S
Just now we are immersed in John Dos Passos'
"Three Soldier.s". From our more or less junior
point of view it is a magnificaut piece of modern
realism. Someone has called it the "Main Street"
of the A. E. F., and they are prettj- nearly right.
There is one grandly horrible scene wherein a private
kills an officer by tossing him a few hand grenades
in a playful moment. The wrapjier is yellow bnl that
does not mean anything.
S
Some stay in college 1o study: ollicrs study to
sfav in colle"!'.
Ill]
HREN
The Arcade Philosophers
Since Iowa and Wisconsin l)cat ns we have
noted little betting on tlie football games. It cer-
tainly is praiseworthy tlial everyone at last realizes
the immorality ot gambling.
* * * -X-
Echols. candidate for Jnnior class president,
declared himself opposed to that organization that
has taken the place of T. N. E. The election prob-
ably strengthened his suspicions in regard to that
organizations potentialaties for evil.
» « « «
Last month a few people voted for a new con-
stitntion of some kind, for something or other. Since
no embroj'o politician was interested enough to pull
us in Mozi's or the Arcade and explain the matter,
we must refer you to The Illini, or Womans League
for further information.
We did gather however, in regard to the above
constitution, that the women were clamoring to be
allowed to vote for more officials. It looks like they
get enough drinks now, but maybe they are trying
to give the cellar sisters a chance.
« * * *
Speaking of the cellar sisters they might find
the customs of the Arabians worth studying. The
wise Arab father insists all his elder daughters be
married before the younger daughters are allowed
to display their charms in the date market. Come
to think of it we did see a copy of The Arabian
Nights at the Alpha Xi Delta house.
* * * *
According to the paternal Fuzzie La Fuze, deal-
ing in futures in dates is about on par with a
gambler dealing in futures in grains.
* # * -"-
We can suggest three alternatives to getting
dates a couple of months aluMid: join the cellar
gang, get engaged, get married. The last two are
not a sure cure however.
When a Scotchman invites you to inspect his
cellar, he merely wants to show you his new furnace.
S
If ignorance were bliss, the problem of human
happiness would have been solved long ago.
S
The sugar, not the flour, is what makes muffins
palatable.
Lies in Woman's Eyes
Sonia : Did you go out for the
operetta cast?
Olga: No.
(And that's how the rumor
started — that Olga cribbed her
exams, broke her dates, lied to
her house — mother, and generally
vi(dated the dictum that Beauty
is truth, etc.)
[12]
HREN
Homecoming — Past and Present
Old Stuff
Kiiij^ Kirli;ii(l, iilist^iit minded ;iss,
]'\)ig()t to till his car with gas.
Ill' therefor shouted, uutil hoaise,
"A horse, inv kiii<rfloin for a liorsel"
To a Felicitous Feline
—Milady's Cat
^liiiiiie Matilda Meow,
Fortunate Feline art tlion,
As you basic in the suns" bright ray.
Xo wori'ies or cares
WU] whiten your hairs.
No (lioniiht of tomorrow dull iovs of lodav.
A saucer of milk
From a Mistress in silk
( >r a joint from the garbage man's ]iail.
('ailed "Kitty" or "Cat",
What odds be that!
■^'oui- days are free from travail.
L()\i' comes to thee
I'nbidden and free.
And lea\es in your heart no Ihoin.
Vour sweetest desire
Is to lie by the fire,
ITa]ii)y. because you are warm.
[13]
Lem riiiliiiis.
SIREN
Isn't Youth Wonderful?
ji
Go away, graybeard, and let us dance! Lord Pan is tootling his tenor saxophone, the floor Is pol-
ished reflecting the lights, and the lights are burning roses. What need have we of your precepts? Why
should we hear your dead experiences?
We are wasting our time, you say? We are shirking our duties? What would you have us do? The
work of the world, you say! You'd have us go into your great sawdust arena, we who are trying to
be happy, we who are dancing — there to mop up the spilled blood, there to patch up the rusted mech-
anisms. You'd have us comfort the hearts that you have broken, replant the forests you have wasted,
balance the accounts you have addled and juggled, and obey the laws you have made. This Is
what you would end our dancing for.
We are shallow pates, you say? How otherwise, when your wars and your machines and your phil-
osophies have tortured our brains away from the deep and placid channels that your fathers knew?
Where you sang "Nellie Gray", sing we chansons of sweet babies, sweet daddies, and ever-lovin' mam-
mies. Where your spinets tinkled, brays now the saxophone. Where you ogled, we embrace. You were
Victorian; we are Lesbian .... you have said, graybeard.
It is useless to protest. Music is playing, and we will dance. As we have danced out of the past,
so will we dance into the future, and there, graybeard, you will quit us, sorrowfully and with appre-
hension. You will see that we are stunted and ugly, nervous and belligerent, foolish and sensuous.
Then you will quit us and go to heaven, where, if it be permitted, you will continue to worry about us
— — just as your father is worrying about you, and his grandsire about him. And the world will go on.
I, who write these paragraphs, sit drinking tea and reading Horace and laughing at myself, in a
quiet, old-fashioned room.
[14]
JIREN
Lights Out
"V<i\i wdiililii't call I'm- lu'l|i.
woiilil yon, if I Iricil in kiss ydii?"
"I ><i vdU lU'i'il aiiv ?■'
— Sun J)i)(l(/<r.
A hiishand is nioroly a sweet-
heart with tlie nerve kiMeil.
— ()rinii/c I'll I.
S
A Revelation of Rot
Tliis, 1 regret to say, is Tlie av-
erage — the very average — girl's
ilale Ideal. It is a heartening
tlioiiglit, however, that if by some
neciDniancv this Ideal could as-
sume living form hd'orc the liicil-
izci-. he would lose his stand-in.
Preserver of my modesty,
Saver of sleep and time,
Comfort's boon companion,
Thank Heaven you are mine.
A caller while I'm dressing,
A phone call when that's thru,
Oh inartistic bathrobe,
A Saint invented you.
from tlie
Boticyard
Antfiology.
Bubbling upward from
The oozy depths.
These words are uttered :
Etrusca Steffeus, I ;
When I was young. JIa-mah
Said girls were justilied
(Since war between the sexes
is eternal) in getting away.
as the saying goes,
with what they could.
So I, a sophomore in this |tlace,
grabbed otf four, or more,
simultaneous frat-pins —
and told about it.
I was rushed, a bit late.
by six sororities.
I told about that. loo.
I broke live fairish dates
]'\ir five better ones —
And told.
Then peoide began telling
Horrid fibs about
Me
What could you expect? So —
This Bonevard got me.
Bunk !
lie — I'm half indiiieil to kiss
you.
She — How slnidd of me, 1
I bought you were merely round
shouldered. — E.r.
S
Hei'es to Alta (Jwyn Sauntlers,
M'lio fusses and ponders,
o'ei' rlietoric letters each day
If yon say as i)er your
Your Orade will be ])oor.
Shes' terribly funny that way.
S
The .Melancholy day are here,
i can feel it in my liones.
For no longer do the men of
<rreece
Seek to peddle ice cream cones.
S
This is the little lady you see in
the sho]) windows of our local
photographers. Her face has been
called fair by her married sister,
maiden aunt, a drummer from
Akron, two sophomores, and a
blind viidinist. So she expresses
herself to a gladdened world in
]iictui-es, bidding many such mys-
tic ]ioses as are pictured above.
The goldfish signify, "liallled".
S
He — "You <1i(ln't know who I
was at the game yesterday, did
you ?"
She — "No, who were youT'
— fAird Jrff.
115
The Marchers Below
Armistice Day, 1921
As' I si I (I I III J/ ill sk ill (I III list If iild itfficr,
Clivi-kiiKj tlir t-yrdiis of Siiiilli and ■liihii Dae,
To my ear comes the eliiilc of accuuterments swiug-
Anil mairliing feet stei)i)iiig tive stories below.
Militia ])ei-lia])S, going out for iiiaiieuvers ;
I'm too busy far, to go watch them you know,
But the while I am checking the debits and credits
My brogans keep time with those marching below.
The mouth of my iuk-well, it yawns like a Bertha,
The bang of a door makes me duck for a "go" —
And I think of another slim column of marchers
That stepped to the cadence of those down below.
A phantom brigade swings in line with my vision ;
Over my blotter they silently go.
With eyes to the front and masks at the "ready",
Tliev swing into time with the marchers below.
\
In the midst of them all, with heart overflowing
I am marching again as I did long ago.
"Slope, Arms I" There's a snap in the ijuick execution
Thai's one-two-three-four willi the rhythm lielow.
H(i</h-0, here's the hoss! Come out of this dreaming;
Credit one to John t^mith, drhit two to Jeihii Doe.
But the strokes of mi/ jieii arc rj/thinetie precision
In time irith the step of the feet doirn hcloir.
— G. V. B.
4
I
4
r
4
-'■'•'Wii
•" -^.v--^-. ^•■^>--.^.'.•:'- .iw^■V.^^..^.
■ittMk^y£Ate
SIREN
"■oil. I'oi- llu' ijood old djize". sai<l Mosciuitos mic iiiiiiorlaui d'cii-
llic li:iir l);ick iis the Wiitt'r K])liisli-
i'(l in Ills face.
S
Modern Scientific Marvels II.
Tlic <i. I"\ Comiiass
Tliis device, attaelied to any
spliei-ieal liveaklast uraiiefriiit.
will protect the eves of the eater
liy iiidicatiiij; at all times the di-
rection in which the lar^e citrar-
iaii will iie.\l siiuirt.
— «
"I'ercy proposed to nie last
)ii<;ht", she cooed to father.
'■^Vell. what did you say?"
•vl told him to see yon''.
"See me? H — 1 1 don't want
to marry him"'.
y — .
lie — ••^\'hen is a kiss not a
kiss?"
She— -'When?"
He — "When it's Heaven", (as
he helped hinhself ).
S
"If 1 only new a man who
wonld stand on his own two feet",
she moaned after the dance.
S
Him: The dance tonight?
Her: I'd love to, lint my trnnks
haven't arrived yet.
( Him fainted).
AVlien the moon is yonnu does
the skyrocket?
She sat on tiie steps at eveninj;.
Enjoying the snmmc!' air
I asked her might 1 sit by her
side
But she gave uie the vacant .stare.
S
"Ah. tis the end", said the Idind
man as he felt the e]c]iliants tail.
1 »ead dogs bnry no bones.
S
Said the venzeulian mot mot, to the
rufus bellied wallaby,
"Come live with me and be my love,
End we shall ever jolly be".
"What leave my happy home for
you, well I should guess not. Mot,
Said the rufus bellied wallaby to
the venzuelian mot mot.
S
lures,
A\"h('n you ii.ive a ilate
They can ailei' uji licr fcalnres,
.Makiu'; licr look sireat.
Lapsus Littererae
rinmp Party: When 1 was
young (iilhei-t anil Sullivan were
the rage.
Lady fair: Ah yes, father often The Kid says it's easier to shave
said tiiat drinkers were drinkers every other day than every other
in those davs month, the whiskers come off easier.
'■ ' tj — A.L.S.
s
Two Coffees Please
^^^ Modern Scientific Marvel
m\ A \ (\\^^^' W This, tiie invention of Dr. In-
^B/P \v \V y^lws. \idius Maynaze. '74, is pivdicted
^^^^ J \ Jl V\ iy lo he (lie salvation of Illinois
^^^^ iJn ^^ I PscHu^ spiril. II produces the "Maynaze
J'oteni I'ep Lozenges" by a very
Das liund: l''raulein, on allons siin])le process. Pejisin gum, in
uiis? ()rang<> and blue wrappers, are fed
La jenne lille: Je ne weiss i>it<> tJie hopper. Then the works
nichts. I'eni etrezu .Mosi's. ="'^ t"™e'l <'ii. steam turned in.
— and presto! out come perfect
I'ep J.,ozenges, guaranteed to raise-
seven Kahs where but two grew
La jeunc lille: Xon. alter mebbe. before.
Das liund : .Mein dieu, wariim?
Haben Sic une dale la ?
[17]
^- e<=..T25.'SL.^4= =c^x-
"Mrs. Van Nupe, I sincerely trust that I can interest you in our new missionary movement?"
"Indeed you can, Dominie. Is it anything like the old toddle? .... James, start the Victrola".
How I Succeeded in College
(With appropriate apologies to Stephen Lcacock)
By Chas. E. Notes
Que morning last tall I jumped out of bed witli
my usual Monday morning vim and vigor, and
Faced My Problem. I was beginning my third year
of studious activity, and I was a failure. I knew
I was a failure because the boys in the house never
failed to hint that I was a failure. The fact that I
was in the house was the only thing that 1 hadn't
failed in, but the attitude of my brothers toward
me almost made my heart fail.
But right then and there, as I cooled my shower
to 08° in an effort to increase my vitality, I decided
that I would succeed. I passed Chet Weever, our
house politician, on the way to my room. "Chet",
I thought (but did not say), "I'm going to be a
success".
After breakfast I went up to his room. ''Chet'",
1 remarked, "You have succeeded in College". Then
a thought struck me. "Chet", I asked, "How did
you do it?"
Well, I talked with him a while, and pretty
soon the Master Key seemed to lie right there in
front of me on the table, and I picked it up. So I
went down to the telephone both, and started to
succeed. I wasn't successful the first time, but I
,got things fixed up, and I could see success loom-
ing right up in fi'ont of me.
And so two weeks later, I began my struggle.
We went to the Orph, because I had forgotten to
get tickets for College, but that didn't worry me a
(Continued on page twenty-three)
[IS]
Coming Home-A. D. 2000
smiM
Sleigh bells,
cow bells, sack-
buts, psalteries,
bassoons, jiolt-
roous, h V 11 s
l)()tli French
and Limey, fid-
dles, p 1 i 11 k -
plinks, and sar-
u s o p h o n e s—
down the street
any week end
night, moon or
no moon, your
ears are callio-
pied from all
sides by the pagan fanfare of
iriany curious instruments.
Saxophobia, the despair of
Saint Vitus, is ujioii us like the
scarlatina. Its symptoms appear
to be, first, a breaking out in
building interiors of rose colored
tissue paper in the region of the
mazdas. Next come various sound
producing devices, such as arc
mentioned above, then come the
|)aticnts — who in the instance of
this malady are termed revellers.
But why multiply words? Be-
low are set forth in sketches some
of tlie more virulent manifesta-
tions of Saxophobia, together
with a few complications, ^'ade
inecum.
TJie orchestra, for example. Its
nieml)ers all young, and fairly in-
nocent in appearance. The}' are,
you can plainly see, enthralled
with their task, which is to mingle
the wailing lament of the Hebrew
cantor with the war drum of the
native Somalilander. They are
the musical kerual of the social
nut. They carry the germ of Sax-
ophobia.
Saxophobia
Portraitx hi/ Cimxtdiicv Fnciiian
More symptoms may be seen in
the hulies robe-room. Like soldiers
before tlie battle, the dear ones
bustle about, furbishing their ac-
coutrements amid the fumes of
the martial jjowder. Presently —
tJiat is, sooner or later — they sally
forth, and the dance is on. Ob-
serve the writhings and twistings
caused by tlie ravages of Saxa-
])hoi)ia. Some, as you can see, are
very graceful in their suffering;
others take the matter more to
Iieart, thereby getting painful
blisters on their feet. Yet relief
of a sort is ever at hand. In yon
corner, exposed bravely to the
orchestra — the source of the con-
tagion, sit these alert physicians,
the Cliaperones. They have no
fear of the malady, for its toxin
flows in their veins; they had
Saxopjiobia — in tlie older and
milder form, a few years ago.
On Saturday mornings, tlie ef-
v;
^^'
fects of Saxophobia are marked
indeed, especially if one have an
eight o'clock. Tender feet, mental
obscurity, bodily lassitude, all
tend to confine the sufferer to her
or his couch. This soon wears off,
however, and later in the morning
patients actually gather together
to practice and imitate symptoms
— they call thein steps — which
they admired the previous even-
ing . AVith the aid of a device
called a Vic, the effects of Saxo-
jjhobia are spread. A virulent
plague, indeed. No ]iernianent re-
lief for the situation is at hand,
although authorities aver that it
will run its course and die out. A
peculiar fact may be observed at
times shortly after midnight in
divers eating houses throughout
the infected district. That is, that
Saxophobia is the only disease in
which the patients hold their own
consultations.
[20]
SIREN
TiE^ DMirj (D)f SoiiM'sILPspSs^
iloiidny, Nov. 7 — I'p and about oir tlic ciai'U
()■ noun, so anxious was I to seek the knowledge,
whicli forsooth, one needs must encompass to a eer-
tain extent within tliese fair walls. So to the eott'ee
house of my friend Sir Hank wliere My Lord Davis
and Sir Gerrold de Carson and others, among them
my lady Letitia Haii])y. diils't discourse over the
next Klaiiemian liamiuct. in truth a look-for event.
Thursday, Xov. 1(1 — Stirred hy the arrival of
the hrst Homeconiers, among them none other but
.My Lord Sir Irv Bartlett, erstwhile a student, now
of Purdue. So to the coverlets, for i' sooth the mor-
row will see me ousted from my worthy mattress
and slund)ering i' th" window seat.
Friday, 11 — TTp from the coal bin where I re-
clined the night that worthier brothers might en-
cumber mine couch, and so to the Hobo parade et al.
Led our trusty Marines in parade, and verily putled
with pride over the wheelings of these veritably
wortiiy ti'oopers. Various incoherent celebration-
iiigs o' the eve, and so again to the coal bin, on find-
ing Sir "Gyp" Davis of another clan is expected
Itack to tlie Homecoming and needs mu.st repo.se at
our mansion the night, as of yore.
Saturdaj', Nov. V2 — Into leatiiern jerkin and
fine feathers of a borrowed nature, and so to the
struggle on the course where after seeing divers Oil
City and our own men stmiggle valientlj' for the
possession of a small oval, which I wager is worth
no more than one pound four pence, and hardly
worth the effort, so to a banquet of sorts and to the
hay, hoping to gain a night's rest. In which I was
thwarted.
Sunday, Nov. LJ — Crawled from the shucks, i.e.,
my burlap bed in the coal, and so to the upper
floors, where, one of the older brothers having de-
parted, dids't to a good sleep. Hoi Hum! it makes
the day a brighter one V sooth.
S
To a Silhouette
Dark figure, standing on the dai-Uer shore.
In two dimensions moving, — by the lake
Of wjiich tiie ever-dancing moonbeams make
A flashing pool of polisjied steel — befoi-e
^dii go, turn backward toward the moon once mure,
Stand still in silent silhonette to lircak
'Die line of earth and sky. c'ci' yon forsake
Vuur UMl<nuwn trysi witb nic. Then come no more.
Tlie dancing nioonbcanis sbininicr on tlie lake.
ALiking of it a jiolislicd pool of steel;
The niglit is sweet and pleasant, and upon
My check the breeze is cool: the shadows take
Fantastic forms, but the shadows reel
Cnnoticed, now the silhouette is gone. — C.IO.N.
S
"Down with the State! Give us the right to
life!" shouted the man un the soap box.
"You got it," muttered the warden, as he hung
up the key.
S
It is a (iiiious anatomical fact that the
amount of bone in the cranium varies inversely as
the amount in the spinal column.
Jingles of a Dumb Belle
Listen my children, lend an ear
Weei) a weep and shed a tear,
While to you a tale I tell
Of 1 r old me — the cracked ihunb belle.
When I was born 'twas years ago
1 know 'caiise mama told me so.
I was her only pride and joy
But dad said "Hell, it ain't a boy!"
The years have changed me since that day,
I'm not the same in anj- way.
I grew and grew and grew some more
TTntil I reached just five feet four.
And in the process, gosh o gee!
They surely made a wreck of me.
I was a handsome child they say
But now I'm just (lie other way.
My ears turn out, my feet turn in.
My nose — words fail. I've got no chin.
I'm built all wrong without a doubt.
Where 1 stick in, 1 should stick out.
/ gaze upon the. ivotid forlorn
An(} murmur "Lord, u^liy v:ns I horn?"
[21]
SICEN
^0 ^UY5TV^\S
The Kid says the only silver lining
he can see to the clouds nowadays is
just moonshine.
s
Slie : "Don't voii think tlial yon
have gone far enough?"
He : "Why, I haven't even pnt
my anus around von". — liaiitcr.
DORJaf-tT SCrt J
/ ui.sh to nam ijoii, »iy loi-e.
Frovi janes who dance, as shown ahovc.
This type of art, though pop-u-lar,
Is justly censored near and far.
(Of course, we are not so far gone.
To show the dears with nothing on.
As Van'ty Fair and others do)
But yet, we'll put it up to you:
Just what it gains, and what it hoots,
To doll them up in lathing splits?
A man went into a department
store to purchase some silk stock-
ings. After showing several pair,
the salesgirl asked, "Are these for
your wife, or do yon want some-
thing better?"
This;is the way a chap imagines
his girl looks when she retires.
"No", slie said as
she blew a
ring, "I liave never
smoked be-
fore".
"Let's have some music, I wanta
dance".
"What nund^er do you want?"
"That blonde over there, with
the green sleeves".
S
"What would yon do if yon
were in my shoes?"
"Get 'em shined. Tlint's what
I'd do". — Panther.
S
And This is the sad truth !
I
[22]
mOEN
On Teas
Yes. Trexy. we did go to the
Beta (laimna tea yesterday. I
know ymi didnt see us, no wonder,
we got there on time. Foolisli
freshman trick I suppose yoiill
say. Well maybe it was, but I in-
sist that someone should have told
us not to go on time. Someone
let us iu and pushed us into. the
living room and there we sat for
half an hour. I guess she forgot
we were there because pretty soon
a girl came in and jumped wheu
she saw us. We must have been
a funny looking crew. When we
saw there wasnt much chance of
our being discovered for a few
hours we settled down to be com-
fortable, which wasnt graceful at
all. This girl gave us a startled
glance and stuttered out .some-
thing to the effect that she would
have tea made for us right away.
The crowd began to come just as
we were leaving.
Did you hear what happened to
us at the Alpha Beta tea this
afternoon? AVell you know how
stitf it was. Terrible!. Worst tea
l"ve ever had perpetrated on me.
Every one sat around like statues
looking as comfortable as the well
known ilercury only uot half as
graceful. And believe me everyone
was ready to run at a moment's
notice. Bea and I decided some-
one ought to start to go so we
looked around and caught the eyes
of several girls we knew then rose.
They didn't start to go with us
and we realized we couldn't leave
alone so we just exchanged places
and sat down again. Bea's face
was positively maroon. We won't
discuss mine.
AVhen we did get away we ran
aci'oss to the Zeta Eta house and
thought we could make another
point toward initiation by appear-
ing there. W^e were the last ones.
They sent two i>eople in to enter-
tain us. which they did by telling
us all about the Pueblo flood and
other pleasant topics until the
talk finally shifted to the League
of Nations. The chaiterone came
in and the two girls left. She en-
tertained us with a discussion of
her operations. .My dear, that
wonuin is wonilci lul. Well, any-
way. I think they told her to do
it because when we did get served
there was hardly enough to see.
luit it satisfied ns. Somehow we
weren't a bit luingry.
Let's see, our own tea is tonutr-
row. isn't it. Hmmm. A. \'.
S
Yellow Journalism
Paleolithic puns in pictures
S
How I Succeeded in College
(Continued from page eighteen)
bit. -Har', 1 thought. "Here's
where you commence to succeed."
"\A'ell, 1 waited until we had
crowded our way into the 1 :.")() free
luntli, and then I started my be-
ginning.
"Emily". I said. "You're an
awfully nice girl". 1 could see
then that my fortune was made.
"Honestly", I went on, "I have
a different feeling for you from
that toward any other girl".
We finished our jjulverized milk
and then I took her for a ride.
1 didn't say very much, because
I didn't need to. She was so svm-
pathetic. I knew that she under-
stood.
"llal", she said. "1 love youi'
new roadster".
So we rode on for a while, and
I lien I took her home.
"Emily". I said, jtist before I
kissed her good night. "I've l»een
a failure. But now that I know
you and have you to work for I'm
going to succeed. And if yo\i get
your friends to work for me Ell
go big".
"Hal", she sighed, "I know you
will, and 1 love you for it."
So I kissed her and right af-
ter that I began to be a success.
S
A brick layer named Angus Mc-
Todd
Was lying bricks by a lighting
rod
When the (lods with a jidt
Sent a bolt in the dolt
And they carried him home in his
hod.
Our idea of wasted ettort is for
a girl with a short skirt on to
powder her nose. — Purple Parrot.
S
Militarism
She: W'hat would you do if
your daughter wore lace stock-
ings to school?
He: (On leave) I'd gi\e her
"Right Dress".
[23]
jmEN
More About Wright Street
The University cliinu's tell the hour of seven forty
live
Anil scnrryinj; figures with f;r;iy lints and green
hats and no hats at all
Come from the byways with neckties awry and
shredded wheat in their teeth and 1 ks
And pour into Wright Street.
As the clock strikes again the figures move faster
and gradually disappear
Save for a straggling few whose steps (piicken
On Wright Street.
>,'oon, and the feet pass over I he hi'icks and cement
walks
And jump out of the way of bicycles and automo-
biles and street cars.
On Wright Street.
f
The passing of a little time will bring us the
•Innior I'romenade. It is regarded by all but the
Athletic Department as the largest, most blatant,
When the sun shines from the West through the .,j„^ ,„„j^^ imposing extru-academic function of the
year. It is im])ortant alike to the snake, the bud,
the c. w., the matron, the xjolitician, the laundi-ess,
the tailor, and the humorist. Some Juniors will be
there.
maple leaves
And makes little patterns on the lawns
And the unlucky devils have gone to their three
o'clocks
The freshmen sit and swing their heels and compare
their dates
On the front porches of the sorority houses
Of Wright Street.
And then, when the shadows are deep and the
couples stroll
And whispers and giggles and jazz tunes float on Mother mine your baby's lonesome
the air. aud besides she's almost broke
The moon comes up and snoops under the shadows Listen Mamma I'm not kidding
A(|uatic tisli aren't the oidy ones to be landed
with a line.
S
An Epistle to Ma
and wonders
Whether anyone ever- sleei)s
On Wright Street.
-S-
— M.E.T.
Oh they say that faith is dying out
And yet I have been told
There is very little change in the amount
Of hair restorer sold.
S
Helen -Hotrin^er
Evolution
(iuess you think its all a joke.
But you see the freshman frolic
And the Jamboree have ruined me
My exchequer took a drop.
But you should have seen that fellow
Talk about your lovely dreams
Say this fellow had them going
Aud I'm going too it seems.
He was not to say good looking
But believe me he was cute
And he had a way of making you
Feel happy absolute.
You may think that I'm romantic and perhaps a
little bad
But I'll bet you felt the same way when you first
observed my dad.
So if you'll chip in a little and ask dad to kick in
too
Why your bread upon the waters may come floating
back to you. — Big Ben.
[24]
jmEN
Local Impressions
The Corner of Green and Wright
Sports — By Terrance
Back again, on the old mill, trying
to forecast what really can't be fore-
casted. Tried it on the Iowa game,
and only proved to the Worthy Ed
that a mere gentleman of leisure is
hardly a Solomon.
* * * *
But, to speak of other things, we
note that the Homecomers are on their
way, 20,000 strong. That, in itself,
proves that Illinois Loyalty is not, and
can never be termed dead.
* * * *
Of loyalty, we pause, and think of
our little cherub, "Pink" Reading,
formerly of the Chi Phi band at Wis-
consin. He now wears one of those
sweet little orange things, and sways
to the mighty arm of Richard in the
new "I" section. "We ought to wear
service uniforms on Saturdays", re-
marks "Pink". Yep, lots of us need
something like that to preserve our
nigh-lost-dignity !
* * * *
The next number on the "porgum"
will be the grand entry of Mr. Basket-
ball. Now we can get mighty chesty
here, though it might not pay, and
say a whale of a lot of things about
the scoledge's chances here. But more
of that later, when Terrence can get
out the Ouija board, and talk to the
powers that are, yet aint.
* * * *
The Trib remarks so often that Illi-
nois is past all consideration in the
Conference honors this year. Pardons
from Terrance, Mr. Eck., but may we
ask that Illinois be placed first in
FIGHT? Much obliged.
* ^ * ^
At the time of this issue, the year-
lings who take the dreaded medicine
each and every evening for six or
seven weeks, are about ready to rest
on their well-earned laurels until their
chance comes all year. And from the
present outlook, the present Frosh,
under the able tutelage of Bert Ing-
werson, will have a mighty combina-
tion that may be hard to get around.
Anyway, all hail to the hardest work-
ing gang in Illinois Field. And the
best of luck next year.
* * * *
Going back a bit, one school that
pinned a few pointers in the marker
column, de.serves a bit of praise. Wis-
cons'n showed remarkable sportsman-
ship as far as the visiting sjholars
were concerned. Not a word after the
massacre. That's all O.K. We'll do
the same by you next year. Whoopee
yes!
[25]
JIREN
Sayings
Eddie Foy : To he coiithmed in
our next.
Darwiu: 1 would a fail untold.
Samson : Twas the most uu-
kindest cut of all.
Aladdin: Aye there's the ruli.
Adam : 1 might have known it
was wormy.
S
Nowadays the only difference
between a saloon and a drugstore
is that the saloon had a rail.
When you've spent a lone vaca-
tion,
And you've bachelored for a spell.
Then yon sit down at your dinner,
"When not feeling exti'a well.
The bill of fare says roast beef.
And your gloom begins to thicken,
Xone could bhune you if you whis-
pered,
•'Waiter, change that beef for
chicken". — A.L.iS.
<Jh, scissors, dear! What shall I
do?
Instead of one datr I have tiro!
I had a datr tonUjht iritJi Jim. —
Thru Tom asked — / aceeptrd him.
The situatio)t's pretty thick;
I f/tiess I'll have to go with Dick.
Magazined—
As Each Would Do It
Snappy Stories — Slowly her
sinuous arms crept seductively
about his shoulders and around
his neck, as Nedra, with a world
of passion in her languorous eyes,
held up her volui)tuous red lips
to l>e kissed.
Smart Set — AVith her lingerie
draped in charming abandon and
daring decollette, Esme rose from
her escritoire and walked toward
him with utter sang froid, placed
her arms about his shoulders and,
casting convention to the wind,
whispered, "Mon cher".
Saturday Evening Post — She
flung her arms about his brawny
shoulders and sighed softly, ''Kiss
me, dear".
Century — Placing her arms
about him in a palpably comiiris-
ing position, she enunciated, "Let
us osculate". — Punch Boirl.
Monolo^ at a Quarter of
By Agnes Vrooman
Let me see your watch. Glory be! Only five minutes.
Of course they'll be longer than any other five minutes
of the hour. He's sura to have passed the limit of my
know/ledge of the lesson ages ago. I wish I had flagged
him on the first part. Too late now, tho.
Heavens! Even Jane Jones hasnt' read this far. That's
ominous. If she hasn't no one has. She's my idea of a
perfect prune with citrous tendencies. Gosh, how I love
her!
* * * *
What's that? You say she's a sorority sister of yours!
Oh, I — I — I'm sure we can't be thinking of the same girl.
Did I say Jane Jones, Oh, my dear, I meant Jean Johnson,
they sit side by side and I must have got them mixed In
my mind. Oh no, Jane is adorable, and so brilliant.
I wonder where I go next hour. If I should give myself
my head I'm so hungry reflex action would lead me straight
home and to the kitchen. I didn't eat any breakfast; I'm
dieting. Of course it's terribly hard, but I'll be sylph-like
yet.
::; ■;■ * *
But where do I go next? Oh yes. History lecture. At
least I won't be in mortal agony there expecting him to
call on me any minute. He'll put me to sleep bless him,
and I'll, forget my colossal hunger.
* * * *
What time's it now? Good! Only two minutes more.
What'll I do with them? Maybe I can use up one of them
getting my books together.
Ooooooooo! Did you see the look he gave me. It was
a very informal one. I take it he doesn't like advance
preparations for the exodus. By the way, what's the plural
of exodus — exodi? Never mind, I don't want to know.
* * * *
Half a minute? Well, at least he can't have time to
bawl me out much if I start to get ready to go now.
* * * *
Ah— Why — Uh— (Did he say me?) Yes I'm here, Pro-
fessor Lapworth, Yes, you asked me what effect the direct
primary has had on the gubernatorial elections, didn't you?
What a big question! And so interesting. It can be
answered in many ways cant it? Well, in the first place —
Why there's the bell, I had no idea the hour was so nearly
up. Would you let me continue the discussion of this
interesting topic next time? Thank you.
EXIT.
[26]
Siinii'Diic li;is writtt'ii ;i Ixtnk witli tlii' titlu
••Crazy with Tahiti". This same author rt'cciitly
made a voyage to the Filhcvt Ishimls. He cinild imt
n'Tiu'inlpiM- tlu'ii- lalitiulf or loiit;itiiilc. Iml was ccr-
taiu tliat their pulchritude was 100.
» * » »
Jt's about time for Caroline \\'ells to lie jietliui;
out another funny antholo«;y of one sort or another.
* » » «
Althougli it is of proltahle disinterest to you,
another word may be said about outc-ast Illinois
Magazine. It is to be, without transgres.snig upon
the Siren, a magazine of winks and wisdom. While
it will ct>ntinue to represent the saner thought of
the students, it will also tell you about the latest
hapiienings at the Dill Pickle Club, or about the
latest shockingly successful play, or portray for
you delectation the most comely maid tliat it can
find in our midst. Tn other words its going to he
interesting.
* * * *
Sometime in the time to come, I hope to see an
English translation made of Masperos French tran-
slation of some Egyptian love songs written thous-
ands of years ago. They are the most beautiful and
intoxicating stuff that was ever set down by a ]»en.
For beseeching tenderness and dignity, they ai-e
unexcelled. They weren't so dead in those days,
after all.
* * * «■
One of the suavest and most fascinating <iif<iiits
tirribles that we have ever encountered is tiie ni.ni
Sanine, who cynicizes through Slo pages of Artzi-
liashefs novel of that title. He is a bored young
man, who is afraid of neither man or devil, and sees
no reason why he should be particularly bothered
with either. He is a philoso])her, sometimes whimsi-
cal, sometimes sardonic, who is freshly amusing,
even to the most staid. The book is one of the least
sordid of all Russian novels.
The Chicago Opera announces thai it will give
the world i)remier of "The Love for the Thi'ee
Oranges" by Serge Prokolieff. It is to be sung in
Russian, by a Russian cast. It would seem that
music is looking up in Hogtown-on-the-Lake.
l'eo](le who still have a little rancor in their
hearts for the now somewhat comatose ••.Main Street"
may lind solace in '•Jane Street" by the author of
••Another Three Weeks". Tt is a rather amusing
satire of the "imi)orted citizens of the jazz metrop-
olis", as the introduction has it. .Viid t'ortunately it
is much shorter. Further balm will lie found by
these suffereers in l>orothy Canlield l-^isher"s ••Brim-
ming Cup" which is a fairly tiring p.ieii of the life
that Lewis deprecates.
* • * •
If a pun is permitted, it might be said that
some campus dramatics of recent years have been
simply Orph-al.
* * * *
We cull this from Sudermanirs ••Sunken Bell":
'•A wondrous gem —
Within a little globe lies all the pain
And all the joy the world can ever know.
'Tis called a tear . . . . "
It is not to be advised that neurasthenics liear
"Mon Homme" ])layed on a one string cigar-box
fiddle. Nor people with Soul.
* * * -s-
We have been reading I'oe again, and are in-
spired to the wish that someone write a story called
••The Full House and the Fsher".
There is in Chicago the central olfice of a
society of bibliophiles known as ••The Bookfellows".
Tli(> purpose of this organization is to further the
lo\e of books and their contents, and to publish
for the benefit of its members special editions of
nuidern writings. It has a small magazine called
the '•Step-ladder'' which is supposed to voice the
sentiments of the society. This is uot the case, but
it is worth the dollar entrance fee just to disagree
with opinions. Look the address up.
« « « *
Try Erica Morini's versi(Mi of soiuebody's
••^'alse Ca](rice" on your ^'ictrola.
-& -" * *
If a travel noli- is not oil' lone, some antlioiiiy
has said that Korea is the Hermit Nation, so much
so that there are often whole villages of hermits.
[27]
JIREN
One Dark and Stormy Night
Twas indeed a stormy night upon the ocean.
The breaking waves, as large as a lionse (that is, a
house of their size) daslied madly over the deck. Tlie
joker and the king of hearts were soaked through,
the whole deck was a wreck. For days, tiie storm
had torn the little craft almost in two and had at
the same time washed all of the food overboanl.
This morning tlie captain jiad ordered the sliip to lay
to, and he had fried one, leaving the crew to scrandih-
the other one. It was as dark as pitcli out and it
seemed as if the ship could not hold up nnder the
strain for another minute, boards were creaking,
the pumps were taxed to their capacity, the masts
had long before been torn away, no one even hoped
for a chance to see the sun again.
Alone in his cabin, the captain sat and thought
of the unkind fate which had sent him out on this
journey which was al)out to cost him his fortune,
perhaps his life. In the midst of these thoughts
there came a tremendous crash, a shock winch shook
the little ship from stem to stern and back to stem
again. The sound of many feet, racing up and
down tlie i)assage-ways, started the cai)tain and he
half rose in his chair.
At the same instant, the door hurst open and
one of the crew, wild-eyed witli fear and in a fren-
zied fury shouted at the startled captain.
"Would a tight between two Finns be called a
Finnish tight".
— J.B.
S
many keys across his wish bone that reading from
h'ft to right it looks like 500 shares iu the Little
B(tnanza Gold Mine. Just take a slant at that line
u]). It looks like Mrs. O Grady's wash line on Mon-
day iiiorning, everytliing from Phi Beta Kajjpa to a
Ford magneto. This duke would even join a liter-
ary society to get one of their keys if they liad em.
Yeah Charlie you said a jaw bone's woitli when
yo)! said lie was liusky. (!awd he would have to be
wouldn't he or else all that hardware across his
Ihora.x would make him liunip backed".'
S
When a man's in love he wants sympathy, not
advice.
I
The Key Hunter
The Key hunter is one of our most famous
campus animals. He is the guy whose voice is tlie
loudest and whose opini(ms weigh more than the
Woolworth Tower. Always one can lind him stand-
ing aloof from the nuiss with a sly cynical smile
on his mush as though to say look at me. Here I
am draped iu front of one of these choC(date dens
of vice where pallid youth stagger forth reeking of
malted milk and Coca C(da (adv). I stand and hold
my coat open with my hands in my pockets.
My how beautiful this line of tin wear is. I
always dread to have to take off my vest in the sum-
mer and I never have had any buttons on my benny,
it never gets cold enough to keep a coat buttoned
any way.
Now you know of the innermost thcmghts of
the jirofessional Key Hunter (comi)iled by Alia
Axiom — adv.) Honestly the money that gump has
spent and si)ends on keys would make the V. S.
Treasury look like one of these apple stands on a
day when business was poor. He has actually so
I <<
I
I
Always the Latest''
With the best in Men's Furnishings
and tailored-to-order clothes
PRICES ARE RIGHT
Fred G. Marshall
''The Arcade Clothes Shop''
*t*" ""
Look
My Studio may be secured
for Fraternity and
Sorority dances
Mary Ellen McClain
Studio 614 East Green
I
Garfield 3323
Champaign
,„, „,; „, ,., .. ,^\
[28]
I
JIREN
Experience is a rough laniidress; she so seldoii
replaces tlie buttons.
An optimist is. among other things, a man wlio
advertises for a lost fountain pen.
— S
Scandal is always welcome if it doesn't occupy
a basket on your own doorstep.
S
Sweet mama
Six feet tall:
Sleeps in the parlor —
Feet in the hall.
Moral: Build vour own home.
You will be satisfied at the
College Hall Barber
Shop
Work done as it should be done
bv Harrv Hartbank
ii>^r>^>jfc^i^^fc^fc^
Prices on
STETSON HATS
for FALL
averaging
25 /o lower
than last year
f^wAa
It's a natural instinct
of well-dressed college
men everywhere to go
straight to Stetson for
Stetson Style g ^gj ^^^^ adequately
Stetson Siuality ^ ^ '
Stetson Money's Worth cxptesses the Snap and
'^l^^^'r^atu^e'/" "i^Or of Studcnt llfc.
bv the
Stetson Siuality Mark Mighty Satisfying too,
in E-very Hat ^-q know how unques-
tionably correct is
Stetson style.
STETSON HATS
John B. Stetson Company, Philadelphia
'^f^^^f w m wJMif w j ' mvi mg^
We Specialize
In Furnishings for Sororities and Fraternities
—*
When you make your purchase of Moorehead's
you are assured of quality, price
and service
We Solicit Your Charge Account
MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY
Neil and University IN THE BUSLNESS DISTRICT Champaign
!
4
[29]
ir
FROM Your plumbing-
I CAN euEss - crusT
VOUR
STATE OF
HAPPINESS-
— From —
Apperson's Little Plumber
L. W. Apperson
Plumbing and Heating
Phone Main 906
120 S. Race St. URBANA
+.-
Our Point of View
)'o// (-(III irrilr i/(jiir rln/iiics to the
i(ii(Irr-(I()(/,
A ml lots of people irill ii ad 'em;
I injo)! i/niir rhi/nifs to tin- under-
dot/.
For III- HlldouhlidJ jl needs 'em.
1 o» (•(/// irrlie your rhijuiex to the
uiider-dog.
Oh poet, keep writ in f/ along;
As lony (LS we're neit the under-
dogs,
We'll undoubtedh/ like your
song. — A.L.S.
S
Xai — wliY is Aluy so sunbnrii-
ed? Didn't know he went ont for
athletics.
lOve — Doesn't ; liis bed is on the
sunny side of the porch.
— Chapparal.
S
"Oh I This climb is so steep I
Oan't I get a donkey to take nie
lip'.'"
"Lean on me, ladv".
i
1
SW£M
The Coffee
that made "Sam"
famous
Whistle
Inn
TRY OUR
AFTER LIBRARY
LUNCHES
Across from the
Chem Building
-*
You Homecomers !
Satisfy That Sweet Tooth
at
Main Street
Champaign
Main Street
Champaign
Confectionery
Our Fresh, Home-Made Candies and Jersey
Ice Cream — Satisfy
" The Home of the Famous Boston "
4.. — . — .,_„ . — „ — ., — .. — . , ,._, — „_. . — , —
» — ._,._.. — 4.
[30]
Our Pastries are
Rich and Pure
Ever>'one likes to eat
so why not make their
visits more enjoyable?
Our pastries taste best
for "Its Quality that
Counts."
The University
Pastry
Shop
608 South Sixth Street
Doity Woik
■•Tlu'iii jjuvs soitcnly Las got a
iioive, Mamie — askiu' us to go
lidin' wit 'em!"
■•Yoali, (lay must fink wo'ic a
(•<>ui)la them "ere sorority goilsl"
■ S
•luilge — You have been fount!
guilty of petty larceny. What do
you want, ten days or ten dollars?
(itiilty Tarty— ril take the
money. — Flam in go.
S
.Mary: "How wtmld you like to
go for your honeymoon in an
aeroplane?"'
Lena : "Not me. I should hate
to miss all the tunnels".
-Mugirutnp.
-S-
Fashionable
Eable: "1 had to pay live dol-
lars and twenty-five cents for the
stockings I am wearing".
Brother: "Oh, well, it was well
spent, for five dollars' worth is
alwavs visible''.
JIREN
Dance
Programs
PARKER FOUNTAIN
PENS
STATIONERY
BULLETINS
Otir work has a quality and
distinctiveness that we feel
certain will appeal
to yon
GEO. D. LOUDEN
PRINTING
CO.
Walnut St., Champaign
'Milk -Fed Poultry"
At Thanksgiving
Or any time you'll like
our milk-fed poultry
P^f^VEVAR.S T^
f^C^TEUS CAFES
PirilfS^ CARS
FRAT£RN(TC£S
51 Ghester Street
MWA^m^K
PACKER ^F
/-^/e^ltsl 305 -^^ri^/- G/XR 1536
1-1. PAUL TICK MGR.
neAT 5P£<^(ALT(£S
CREESE
GhdmpeviAn 111.
[31]
HREN
The woman whose liusband was selected for her, +"■
selects a different sort for her dangliter ; the woman | ^^^ ^^^^ coffees
will) did her own selecting does also. I
-S I
"Hard boiled" seems to be what one calls the ]
person who does things that oneself cannot get by J
with. I
. S f
"All the world loves a lover," in a book I I
Then lie can be shnt up at will. I
S I
A blind date is a tifty-tifty chance. Columbus J
took a chance, and discovered America. !
Spices and Extracts
NOTICE to COMMISSARIES
■•+
I
1
I
WE GUARANTEE
SATISFACTION
-S-
Moonlight is a luxury — and someone always '*""
pays the tax. J
S I
Since the eighteenth amendment, time is reck- |
oned thus : A.B. and E.N.B. — Anno Booze, and Era |
of Near Bear.
S
There are two kinds of girls. The other kind |
go on blind dates. 1
S I
"Some dew!" exclaimed tlie geologist as he ran 1
his hands over the grass. "Some dont!" said the i
student as lie ruefully rulibcd the side of his face. j.
Champaign Tea and Coffee Co.
201 North Market St. Garfield 1586
Hite Bros. Jazz Shoe
Shining Parlor
THE ORIGINATORS OF JAZZ
SHOE SHINING
Cleaning, Pressing, Alteration
a Specialty
Accommodation For the Best
Bell Main 883
311 E. Green— College Hall
I
"LEATHERBILT
>t
I
i
I
..if.
-*
I
I
I
I
I
This s]>lcndid shoe is made according to our
own specifications and bears our own trade
mark. Best quality, ALL leather — rock oak
soles, leather counters, sole leather toe boxes,
leather insoles, reinforced back stays, padded
tongues to prevent laces cutting instep, com-
bination last — every detail of workmanship is
of the highest tjiie. A feature of our men's
shoe section
Special at $6.45
W.Lewis 6^ Co.
CHAMPAIGN
1
■4
[32]
JIPEN
In the Trenches
English Tomuiv (in poker
game I — "Well. I'll wager a linlly
pound on this".
American Darky (holding foni-
aces) — "Ah dunno too much 'bout
yo' English money, but I"ll hump
yo" a couple of tons". — Purple Coir
. s
Blessed be the tie that binds
My collar to my sliii't.
For underneath that silken baud
Lies half an inch of dirt.
— Aiiy/icaii.
We Have a Surprise for
Home Comers!
Real Salads Chile Creamy Soups
Fancy Sandwiches Chop Suey
CTTT?'T T I Tiri?
•
Crane's Mary Garden Chocolates
— your five pounders are here
Prehn and Palmer
Soda Luncheonette
Green and Sixth On the Corner
[33]
SDXN
ibii— im-^BU^— uu^— uu iiL^_m-^uii^— un — nil iiii— iiii "ti iii> «u im — iiii nn— nii iii ^ «{»ii :ni 'in ■in in
Corner Green I
(Hid fith m. I
Second Floor 1
VISIT
T/zg CAMPUS BOOT
SHOP
Our Shoes and Hosiery
are Distinctively
Individual
and we have them for
every occasion
Southern Tea Room
Lunches, Afternoon Teas, Dinners
Banquets and Parties
Phone Main 4203
->■<
GREEN STREET
OF COURSE
I
1
Try It!
What?
That New Cafeteria in Urbana
Good Home Cooking and a Real Pleasure
to Eat it in a Clean Place
Gilliland
Cafeteria
[34]
G. W. Lawrence
Music Store
Till' (inly |il,i((' vnii li;i\(' ;i
ciioicc nC icciiiils, ( 'oliiiiihiu,
N'ictdi-. Ill- liriiiiswick. Col-
uiiil)i;i. Itiiiiiswick and \'ic-
\<<v plioiiogi'aplis.
Tome in and let us demonstrate
the different tones for you.
We also have a large line
of string instruments and
Saxaphones.
G. W. LAWRENCE
112 W. Main Street
URBANA
+■-
moEN
]\t'v: ". Villi dill villi i(.'ally miss
inr all siiiimier?"
Beit : -Dill I ? Kvciy time I
kissed amitlier j;irl I wislii'd it
was villi". -M(ilh<is< r.
S
«|*n tB—3M——m in-»-«~~-in —
n "ilary's a iiiiidesi little i^irl
isii'i she?''
r.— "How's that?"
T) — "Why she's in my .Math
elass and she won't e\i'ii dn ini-
]iriilirr fi-aetions". — l-'hiiiiiiii/o.
S
Annie doesn't mind me,
Fannie thinks I'm sweet;
Tillie really likes me
And kisses when we meet.
Girls I have aplenty
Fellows envy me;
Still I'm not as happy,
As I thought to be.
The other fellows girl
Always has mine beat_
Why is it, that my girl.
Never seems as sweet? — A.L.S.
STATIONERY
For Individuals or
Fraternities
101) Sheets, T.xlO iiiehes
and KM) l']nvelii|ies -iy.sxTi^
on «;oiid lionil stock for lj|;i'.,SO.
lOaeli printed foriii not to
exceed four lines of 21/^
inches in length.
4.._„_™_._„_,. . „ — , — „_. — . „ ™ . . .
PEASE PRINT
SHOP i
22 Main Street •
CHAMPAIGN j
.—„ „ — ._,._„_. ._«_4
— ., „ — ._, — , — , — , ._,^
DICK MINER
Plumbing and Heating Contractor
Kohlcr ICnaiiirl Wear
IDEAL HEATING
BOILERS
I'hoiie Main olil
219 West Main Street
URBANA, ILLINOIS
+ ,
„ „ +
[35]
urasN
c^
Frosh : "Cau I date you up for
the senior ball iii 1925?''
Frosliess : "I'm already dated
up for tliat, but you can take me
to the alumni ban(|uet".
— t^iiH Dodycr.
S
Jack (seulimentally I : "I can
see the love liyht shining in your
face".
Jill (ciiiodonally) : "Heavens!
wliere's niy powder pnlfl"
— »S'm» Dddf/cr.
I
Corona Typewriters
For Rent
If you want to l)uy a machine after renting
it 2 months, rental will be applied on the
purchase price
R. C. White & Company
— nii^
I
612 E. Green
Royal Corona Agency j
I
Waffle House Cafe
CoNTixiois Waffle Wkrvu'e
From (J A.M. to 1 A.M.
Meals 30 and 35c
Two doors north of the Inman
108 N. Walnut
DEE'S
Home Cooking Just Like Mother's
YOU'LL LIIvE IT
One block west of campus
on Daniel Street
Meals 35c
THAT CANNOT BE DUPLICATED
.»+ +„.
I
Storage — Service — Supplies
at
Casper s' Garage
204-206 East University
CHAMPAIGN
Main 931
H. L. Casper, Prop.
[36]
HKEN
■+ +-
+■
+-
INMAN HOTEL
G. W. Byers and August Danielson
Proprietors
FIREPROOF
MODERN
A Home for Students and Their
Friends when in Champaign
''Ask Us How''
SUMMERS
ELECTRIC
COMPANY
'My\ N. Hickory
JFaix 4."i(;4 Champaign
''Always First in Thiin/s Elect riral"
■+ *■■■
WE SUPPLY ICE
CREAM
For church festivals, fairs, banquets and
other large gatherings where food refresh-
ments are served. We guarantee prompt
deliveries of the best ice cream made un-
der strictest sanitaiy conditions and shall
be pleased to arrange with committes and
others for supplying this best of all
refreshments and desserts
Champaign Ice Cream Co.
Bell 175 115-117 E. University Auto 2107
The APOLLO
CONFECTIONERY
Pure, High Grade Candies
— our own make
A delightful place for
refreshments or
after theatre
parties
MOUYIOS BROS.
MAIN ST.. URBANA
[371
JIREN
+ . ._._._. ._._. . — » — ._. — . — » ♦
8 Main Street, Champaign Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1
Smith & Picard
Meats Brought from the Farm to You Direct
HOME KILLED MEATS, POULTRY, PORK
AND LARD
?
"Champaign's Cleanest Market"
WHOLiESALE RETAIL.
We will uow introduce our new- A T7 "f 1-. Guest: "May I sit on your
est song entitled, -^^1 bpitaph right hand ?"
„r, 1-, 1 X 1 ^ ,. , , Hostess: "Why, thank you, but
When Eve lost her temper. Here lies our elevator bov, , , ^ ^ .' .^ ' ,,
I have to eat with it. \> on t you
Adam got a rib-roast. Where'er he is, we wish him joy; take a chair instead?" — (hirffoi/lc.
And that pleasant little ditty, , S
Somewhat broken and badly bent, _. . ^ „ ^ ,
No matter how young an onion " Tis passing strange , quoted
is, it's always strong for its He said, "Going down", and down the literary youth as his compan-
age. — A.L.S. he went. ion sevened for the seventh time.
i
Better Printing Will Improve
Your House Publication!
We urge those in charge of Fraternity and Sorority |
U/->iiao "Piil-ilicQtinnc tr> nnll nnrl insnppt snmiilps I
House Publications to call and inspect samples
of House organs we have printed. You will
find our work to be of a superior quality
and we are equipped to deliver
either one of the popular four
page folders or a big book j
hke the Siren -
1
1
!
I
■
I
i
I
I
I
I
I
I
i||i— uu un iin nil un m iin un nil— im— i*— 'u' uii-^mi^Liii— .m— uc-^im ud nn— lui— nu-^iiii ini an m nu UD^m.^un^iiu— mi— lui uM^im-^m-'—m^m^Ti^m^ui^
t381
ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY
On Green Street — Champaign
I
JIfi£N
Strauch's
Artistic
and
Useful
Gifts
625 South Wright
Christmas Greeting Cards
Now on Display
t In the School of Childhood
Tcjiclicr (ill ^«'(ifir;i|(liy chissi:
"Can aiiyoiK' t(.'ll ini- wliei'e I'itts-
liurfi is?"'
Small \()icc ill rear: "I'li-ase
ma'aiii tlic.v'ri' ]ila.viiij; in Clii-
tapj". — I'aiillii r i J'ilt. )
S
First Pi-of.— "Wt-ll. liow wvw
voiir cxaiiiiiiatiniis?"
Second I'ror. — "A (•(Piiiplflc siif-
cess. lOvci-yliudy riunlccd". — l>ir(/c
S
"HtHMi to cliiii-cli tills iMorniiiii.
Slioi-ty?"
"Wliy. do my clot lies look as
tlioiijjii tiicy've Iteeii slept in?"
— fdrk-O-Linitcni.
S
Coed (coolly, to a freshman
\\ ho has just picked iij) her hand-
kerchietl : "Thank yon. But if I
shoiilil happen to drop it again,
|ilease don't bother. It wasn't yon
J iiieant". — Froih.
Iiirilr VIC t(i i/iiiir Iidusi-.
jih tinr. — lUcclric A I
IF you want prompt elec-
tric sei-vice or supplies
furnished you at once
at the proper prices use
your phone. We will furnish
you an estimate on wiring
that will cause you to say
yes to the proposition. We
are ready at all times to
demonstrate our wares, our
willingness and our abili-
ties.
rTTTTTlffiffTmiR
CONSTRUCTION CD. INC.'
Aecbr'n
OPP. INMAN NDTEL.
PHnNE EAR. PDI3 '
U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square |
Hair Nets for Sirens
Single and double mesh to match all colors of hair.
Combs, too
Also a full line of Harriet Hubbard Ayer's Fine Toilet Preparations.
Also you will find here Hudnut's Three Flowers Specialties.
Stationery
Hurd's, Crane's and Whiting's — We can furnish you with the proper
paper for all occasions, whether you are writing to a Sire7i or her grand-
mother.
U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the square
Champaign
Green and Wright
[391
MBEM
I
An Orphan
"Say, waiter, is this an incu-
bator chicken? It tastes lilce it".
"1 don't know, sir".
"It must he. Any chicken that
has liad a mother could never get
as tough as this cue is".
—Wampus (So. Calif.)
Cafeteria
610 East Green St.
Popular Prices
VAUGHN^
SHOP>MEN
'^alto Tljeatre 'Building
o
EHrc kings
Colorpla'tcs
PKoi'o-EngraVmgs
J-Ld\)erVisin
OSes
J
C40]
I
I
!
•4
Why Is Iron Magnetic?
A horse-shoe magnet attracts a steel needle. But why?
I \X'e don't know exactly. We do know that electricity and mag-
netism are related.
In dynamos and motors we apply electro-magnetic effects. All our
power-stations, lighting systems, electric traction and motor drives,
even the ignition systems of our automobiles, depend upon these
magnetic effects wh.ich we use and do not understand.
Perhaps if we understood them we could utilize them much more
efficientl}'. Perhaps we could discover combinations of metals more
magnetic than iron.
The Research Laboratories of the General Electric Company investi-
gate magnetism by trying to find out more about electrons and their
arrangement in atoms.
X-rays have shown that each iron atom consists of electrons grouped
around a central nucleus — like planets around an infinitesimal sun.
X-rays enable us to some extent to see into the atom and may at last
reveal to us v.hit makes for magnetism.
This is research in pure science, and nothing else. Only thus can real
progress be made.
Studies of this 1 Ind are constantly resulting in minor improvements.
But some day a discovery may be made which will enable a metallur-
gist to work out the formula for a magnetic alloy which has not yet been
cast, but which will surely have the properties required. Such a result
would be an achievement with tremendous possibilities. It would
improve all electric generators, motors, and magnetic devices.
In the meantime the continual improvement in electrical machinery
proceeds, in lesser steps. These summed up, constitute the phenom-
enal progress experienced in the electrical art during the past twenty-
five years.
Gen
General Office
Schenectady, N. Y.
95-453H
COwMRo ("e«Fie>-o
mounang
WHIP
Lo/lar
for fall
rroW
Jashion says: A little longer and a little larger knot
cinched up tight at top of the band of the collar
n^ich must be of medium M/idth mth close meeting front
and preferably with neatly rounded corners"*
'1
1931
h Hitii I iiiitHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiuiiniiiiiii. ii~
f »i a<?5lgVoi>- <•
■^^i' <•
lzf^Sh»- <•
CHAMPAIGN
(e
He Will Say,
How'd You Guess It?
If Christmas means more to you
than just the 25 th of December,
choose a present for a man here
at a Man's Own Shop. Warm
his heart, his back, his chest, \\ s
hands, or his feet, with one ot our
splendid Ulsters, or one of our
toasty-warm Knitted Jackets, or
a pair of mellow-grained Gloves
or some ribbed or clocked Hose.
These are presents ot common
sense, which, alas! is tar too un-
coxnmon around Christmas time.
99
'> ■l;/:'K>.ol» < •
■■'c-:'a'"*^=l>-
Everybody Wants
a private stock of good sweets over the holidays.
Everybody's taste can be suited in the variety of
Whitman packages of chocolates and confections.
Place your order with the near-by Whitman
agency and double the value of your gift by select-
ing an appropriate package.
THE SAMPLER— chocolates and confections selected from ten leading
Whitman's packages. The box is as quaint as the sweets ate good.
A FUSSY PACKAGE— njt and hard center chocolates, beautifully boxed.
SUPER EXTRA chocolates and confections — the quality which first made
Whitman's famous.
NUTS, CHOCOLATE COVERED— a rich, delicious assortment that
enjoys wide popularity.
PLEASURE ISLAND chocolates in a pirate's chest that recalls the ro-
mance of R. L. S.
SALMAGUNDI PACKAGE— super-extra chocolates. Metal box lac-
quered in exquisite mosaic. A gift chat is sure to charm.
LIBRARY PACKAGE— Shaped like a book. A new assortment of
chocolates.
Hand painted round boxes and fancy bags,
boxes and cases in great variety
STEPHEN F. WHITMAN & SON, Inc., Philadelphia, U.S. A.
Sotemaker^ ofWhitman'i Instantaneous Chocolate. Cocoa arid Kiarshmallow Whip
Whitman's famous candies are sold by
URBANA
ilouyios Bi'os
University Pharmacy, 705 S. Goodwin Ave.
Urbana Dioig Company, 111 W. Main St.
CHAMPAIGN
Schuler Bros.
Arcade Confectionery
(J. A. Thornhill)
Mwm
Colli (lit comes ivith elect ri-
(itij. — Electric Al.
KNOW conteiitineiit —
know e 1 e c t r i c i ty .
Know the best light —
know electricity. Know the
way to save labor and banish
drudgery — know electrical
helps. Know the shop where
you'll get superior electrical
supplies and service — know
us.
II.IJ.1WJI^4J-TIi
CONSTRUCTION CD. INC.*
1
!
I
I
I
Aectri
>Hbhinq
n-ical -y
DPP. INMAN HOTEL.
RHONE GAR. 1013
Weak-kneed gent,
A pretty miss,
Some mistletoe,
Buck up — and kiss!
The Coffee
that made "Sam'
famous
Whistle
Inn
TRY OUR
AFTER LIBRARY
LUNCHES
Across from the
Chem Building
4...
B
I
-*
1
I
I
INMAN HOTEL
G. W. Byers and August Danielson
Proprietors
FIKEPKOOF
MODERN
♦
A Home for Students and Their
Friends when in Champaign
|...
Just
Now
OlIK assortment of Christmas
greeting Cards is most complete.
AVe are sliowing tlie most exten-
sive display of these attractive cards
in central Illinois. Those of you who
are familiar with the Knowlton and
Bennett line, tell your friends, they
will appreciate it tlie same as you.
<s>
Knowlton & Bennett
URBANA
"We Lead in Every Line We Carry"
..4. +«
[2]
Best Wishes
of the
Season—
W'a hope you have a
good time during your
Holiday Vacation, and
will be glad to have you
with us again when
after it's over.
Berryman
Bakery
213 South Neil
(On the way to town)
Bet He's An Angler
iK'-.w Editor — .My little boy has
worms. A\'liat will help him?
Answoi- — Feed him lots of fish
— they like "em. — Topics of the
naif.
S
She — "Do you love tne best?"
He — "You ought to kuow".
— Octopus.
S
'JO — "I got through college iu
three years".
'11— "That's uothiug,
through in one". — Froth.
S
got
He — I tell my roommate all I
know.
She — How delightfully quiet
you must be at college. — Ex.
S
The Girl — Did I ever show you
where I was tattooed?
The Boy— No.
The Girl — ^A'ell, we cau drive
. around that way. — Brown Jur/.
JnxN
You will admire our
workmanship in all
lines of
Dyeing
and
Cleaning
Garments Called
for and
Delivered
Promptly
Carpets and Rugs Given
Special Attention
PARIS DYEING &
CLEANING WKS.
Call Main 1744
•——————" — —.—.—• " — • — — " — ,„_.„_,„,_.„_., — „ — „ — . — „ — „_.„_j_.. — ,„ — ,._.„_„_„_„ — . — ,„_.„_ 4,
Pure Food
Y
OU can get it here and you may be
assured of the best when so doing for
the best is what we buy.
We have a new and sanitary cafeteria and invite
the public to inspect our kitchen
We give away meal tickets
Gilliland Cafeteria
i
■4
[3J
jnuEN
-♦
Give
Victrola
Records
for ideal Christmas
Gifts
Here, you may liave a clioice
of Columbia, Victor or Bruns-
wick records.
Ask to Hear the New
Releases for
December
We also have a large selec-
tion of string instruments and
saxophones.
G. W. Lawrence
112 West Main St.
URBANA
I'm not iu love with Aunabelle
Tliough it may seem eoutraiy.
I'm not in love I know it well
Her actions make me waiy.
A lovelier maid I've never met
And yet it seems a pity,
I'm not in love my mind is set-
(Bnt Annabelles' so pretty.)
A '25.
For the Best
Eats
Third Street
Cafeteria
and
Delicatessen
I
I
i
I
1
§
I
i
I
8
I
The Store
that Understands
the
Student
Appetite
606 South Third
g. a. ostkand
Paul Grady '22
— *
Moorehead
Quality
Foil yon, who seek distim-tiveness and originality, thoi'ongh and dependable con-
struction, long uninterupted service in quality merchandise, we offer our special-
ized service in complete furnishings for the home.
In your selections you are assured of the most relialile merchandise, variety of
coverings, fine finishes aiid lasting service and usefulness.
We appreciate your charge account.
MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY
Neil and University
IN THE BUSINESS DISTRICT
Champaign
[4]
SIREN
This is Wharf ul!
She — 8ir, do you realize who
you are speaking to? I am tlie
(lnii<jiiiei- of an English peei'.
He — Not so fast, I'm the son ul'
,iu American doc.
—Wampus. (Uni. So. Oalif.)
S
"Never scratched yet," chattered lion Ami as
hi' sliivered in his B.V.D's.
S
"I sure hate this notions liviug,'' remarked the
10th., warder as he shot another polition.
S
''Have you ever made love like this to a nirl
.<;fore?"
"No, dear, I'm at my best tonight."
S
Phyllis the physicist, says that a uon-condnctor
is not always a motorman.
■ S —
First artist ; Do anything last week ?
Second Same: Yeah. Knocked off a coupla girls
heads.
Horlick's
The Original
(never diiplicateil)
LOOK FOR THE
THREE COWS
^Vlways delicious, invigorating and re-
freshing. Health and strength in every
glass.
Ask for and get "Horlick's" at foun-
tains. Keep a jar in your doi-mitory,
frat, club or room.
The favorite food-drink of students
and athletes for over ^ century.
— Avoid substitutes
Horlick's
1
Hot and Cold
Ice Cream
Eat ice cream iu the summer because
it is frozen, and will, in melting, elim-
inate a certain amount of your excess
heat. Eat it in the winter because the
butter-fat, eggs, and sugar iu ice cream
are all efficient heat-producers.
Only be sure that the cream you get
is ours. Then you can be sure that it
not only will have the flavor that has
made it the favorite, but you will have
the assurance that the ingredients will
be of the highest standard of quality
and purity. Lt pays to insist on our ice
cream.
Phones :
Garfield 2107
Main 175
Champaign Ice Cream Co.
111-115 E. University Street
clflfeaH^
Cafeteria
610 East Green St.
Popular Prices
■■+ +-
[51
jnSEN
There's many a person who becomes known as being patient, good
natured and gentle, who is just plain lazy. There's a thought.
What's Next
Have You Seen the
New View Book
?
We are very proud to
have our name connected
with this piece of work
representing the spirit of
our Alma Mater— Illinois
96 VIEWS
36 PAGES
Price, each
$1 .00
1
Select your Christmas
greeting cards and mail them.
Our cards are from such makers as
the Cincinnati Art Co., Gibson Art
Co., Dennison Mfg. Co., Thomp-
son-Smith Co., Harcourt Engraving
Company.
WARD'S
BOOK
This is a five year diary and is nicely
bound in various grades of leather. This
is an ideal gift.
We have a complete line of leather ad-
dress books, shopping lists, etc., in con-
nection with "A Line a Day" books.
V
■
#faxDjen^^iHJplij#)r0re
606 EAST GREEN STREET
"CHUCK" BAILEY SHELBY HIMES
Sometimes you meet a man who realizes why the good Lord gave him two eyes
and only one tongue. It is a pleasure and when he does say something you listen
IZ
[6]
This, the Hi-.st homecoming of T. .lomithaii Small .Ir, collegian
and freshman, illustrates Christmas Cheer a la mode. It is Clirist-
mas morn. The useful and othei-wise gifts have been distributed
with conscientious amial)ility. Tiien — to business. Says Paw : "Who
told you you cf)uld have the car last night? And how, young fella,
did you ding in that fender?" Whereat Maw: '"Xow, Timothy,
remember, it's Christmas !" To all of which T. J. Jr., who has
absorbed the collegiate manner in less than no time, i-eturns a
dignified silence, confident that his new-found maturity will receive
the respecte it deserves.
T. P. BouBLAND, Editor; Gkobge B. Switzer, Art Editor;
G. V. BucHANAX, JK., Contributing Editor; Jack Tuttle,
Exchange Editor; Hoken Hoie, Contrilmting Artist.
Morgan L. Fitch, Business Manager; J. A. Nuckolls,
Advertising Mgr.; R. J. Weber, Foreign Adv. Mgr.; R. H.
Ferguson, Circxilation Mgr.; R. R. Fowleb, Asst. Bus. Mgr.
Editorial Staff
A. L. Stbaus L. M. Stobmont
Agnes Vrooman P. B. Bass
O. D. BuRGE Leonard Hunt
Chas. E. Notes
Business Staff
G. E. Darling
R. E. Denzel
C. R. Defenbaugh
Burt Hurd
J. A. Taylor
Hugh Fechtman
Helen Booth
Bruce Cowan
F^OYD MOCHON
J. A. O'Brien
J. B. O'Donnell
W. C. RUNKLE
S. W. Rydemski
T. L. Shubtelle
Mary Hopkins
J. O. Keth
Art Staff
G. V. Buchanan Dorothy Schulze
Beatbice Adams Helen Hottinger
Martin Topper Constance Freeman
M. R. Marx C. W, Baughman
J. J. Bbesee
Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the
postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the
year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois.
PHINEAS PIGGE, whose wont it is to worry
over the floppiiigs of the fish-lady, being in the
"not among those present" — his tasli is taken over
for the nonce by a lesser light who trembles as he
faces the battered mill and the yawning col., of the
unfilled Siren for the month of December.
Yet, being less of a humorist and more of an
optimist the substitute editor shakes worry from
him as a dog shakes water. No one ever reads the
editorials anyway.
And — if you appi'eciate not the efforts of the
fledgling — toss aside the borrowed copy of the
Siren, or better still — take it back to the one who
]nircliased it. The Siren will not die withal.
S-
Over the bowls at -limmie's one evening recently
a member of the English faculty deplored the fact
that the undergraduate and the faculty worlds were
so utterlv distinct. He reiiiarlced on the lot of one
man who had never known a faculty member socially
during his four year college course.
It is indeed deplorable.
But more deplorable is the fact that those of the
faculty who wish to associate with their students
and those of the students who wish to associate with
their teachers to a greater extent, are held back by
the actions of the minority to whom having a faculty
mau or woman to dinner at his or her fraternity
house is but the means toward an end — rather
toward an "A."
Illinois is a great university — leaping to th«?
forefront, numerically speaking in particular — with
rapidity. Yet there should be time for a certain
amount of friendship between student and teacher
a friendship based on the real basis of friendship
— that of equal giving and taking in the intercourse
it promotes.
S
The old belief that youtli has a right to sow its
wild oats does not include provisions for the sow-
ing I0 be done on your property.
■ S
The old saying "he who does not work shall
not eat," went out of use before the era of "jtam-
pered puiiiiies of promiscuously prominent parents."
[8]
mscN
Faculty and studi-m eontrol are terms tliat,
siuce the recent Honor System controversy, have
lieen ))anilieil alxnit by the many, rather in-omiscMi-
ously. Neitlier. to the t^iren's viewpoint, is llie cor-
rect control. Somewhere, sometime there may be a
leaib'i- with broadness enonjjh to see both si(h's of tlie
(jnestion and strike a hajjpy medium.
S
Will Irwin, in his dyed army overcoat paused
a few moments witli the University last month,
.said a moutlifid. and departed, leaving more friends
than most lecturers who have .sojourned here. In
cidently Will became an honorary member of Si<;nia
Delta Chi, professional journalistic fraternity tlur-
ing his stay, and after the dinner following the
initiation said to the members: "This was a real
newspajier gathering — no one asked me to make a
speech."
make a "tigure in this eartii
At six o'clock, on
HAKDY editorial material, you'll say. But the
writer observes with chagrin that the Junior
Promenade is mentioned, with one exception, uow-
where else in this print. Ever ready for a tilt at a
windmill, then, let it be here discussed:
I. (penseroso)*
General impression: anatomical backs and high-
lights on stockings. Unsuspected collar-bones.
Many, many icicles, like BVDs on a line. Peojde in
ilie gallery, recognizing their friends and panning
their enemies. Jolly collegiate atmosphere. Coleoji
lera. ar.ichnoid. and other wee animals, done in sil
lionette and Carter's paste (adv.) on imported shoul-
der blades. Gates ajar collars. Suffering cravats.
Kefractory dickies. Confetti, embedded in brillian-
tine. Powder — wax and chalk. Zombro, checking
up. JIusic — really, it's impossible to say anything
mean about the music . Felicitations. Will and eke
Morry.
II. (conte jiicaresque)
"Never let the truth mar a good story." Then,
hear and attend and listen.
Once there was a voung man who was bound to
the ninth of December, he decided to go to the prom-
(•nade (Junior). So he bedecked hin)self in jinrple
and line linen and ribbands and gauds (tigurative
ly. my dears, figuratively) and step|>ed over
to a sorority, where he saw a damsel playing briilge
with a youth. "My dear," said our hero, "are you
ready ■?'■ The damsel trumped her partner's ace,
thonght hard for a trice, controlled her features,
and .said. "Well, canya beat it? I had forgot all
about it. AVill you eveh forgive me? I can be ready
in an hour — can you wait?" Xatnrally. he could
waif. (At this point, the bridge-placing youth
drops out of the plot, since he is but a minor char-
acter.') So presently the young man who was bound
to make a figure in this earth, together with the
damsel, slipped through the gates of the place of
the promenade, at the moment when the gentleman
at the gate was trying to jiick his grandmother out
of the crowd. And so they toddled happily ever
after.
III. (allegro)
The writer did not attend the Junior rionie-
nade, per actam Dei. Yet to him, afterward, can(e
numerous enthusiastic reports of the success and
joy of the occasion. The Promenade was successful,
aesthetically, .socially, financially, and, it is trusted,
morally. To the conmiittee the Siren extends con-
gratulations.
Something that has long been fretting us is
this (|uestion of girls in the student opera. Just
why they should not be permitted to appear in it
is a most vexatious mystery. They have appeared
in the welfare opera without any bad results, and
have been in Mask and Bauble iiroductions for
years. Why. then, should they not appear in the stu-
dent o])era? They would better it a thousand ]ter
cent.
ft
[9]
HKEN
The Boy Inventor
Que bright day, I had been
shaving myself, as is my usual
custom every evening when I was
called away to answer to a tele-
phone call which was, indeed, of
no consequence, but it was some
time before 1 conld resume my in-
terrupted task. I'lxin my return
to my shaving slick and brnsli, I
was possessed of the idea that
someone had been using my safe-
ty, but I had no facts upon which
to base my assertion save that my
once sharp blade was now a most
dull affair. Thinking that per-
haps there were others in like cir-
cumstances in this world, I have
invented this device which is so
simple in its workings that even
my kid brother could operate it.
When you are not using your
safetey, place it in the machine
which fastens to the side of the
razor, you may now leave the
room, assured that no one will
use your razor, for this instru-
ment records both the name of
the person who borrows it and
the percent which he has dulled
the blade which you have placed
in it.
Special attachments are now be-
ing prepared so that the person
who shaves with the "open faced"
razor may purchase one of these
machines.
S
She (icily)— "I wonder where
all the men who can dance are?"
He (feeling his sore foot) — "In
dancing with the girls who can
dance, I guess!" — Medley.
To Kiss or Not to Kiss
liv ('has. K. Xoyks
If I should.
What wonder?
As you stand
(Upon the porch)
With perfume.
Rouge and lipstick
All alluring?
If I should not
Would you
(perchance)
Be disappointed?
A little sin,
A passing joy,
A flash,
A dream,
A sigh.
But you are so
Adorable,
So lovable.
So quite,
Quite,
Kissable —
The chimes toll twice.
Good night.
Thank God!
Well! Well!
Willie — Mother, my Sunday
school teacher never takes a bath.
Mother— Wliy, Willie, who told
you that?
Willie — She did. She said she
never did anything in jirivate that
slic wouldn't do in jmblic.
■ — Mi<^Jngan (Suniojilc
S
All Shades
"Is this the liosiery depart-
ment?" said tlie voice over the
phone.
"Yes", said the sales-lady.
"Have you any flesh colored
stockings in stock?" asked the
voice.
"Yes", said the weary sales-
lady. "What do you want — pink,
yellow or black?" — Burr.
■ — S
Oh, damn!
The Social Primer
See the lady. She is a college
gir-rul. Why does she sit so qui-ut
like in the big chair? That is
because she is tired. Why is she
tired? She has to go to a dance
this evening. She has to? Yes,
my child; there is a State Law
which makes lit-tul gir-ruls go to
dances whether they want to or
not. Dont the gir-ruls get very
bord-like? Yes, my child, but they
like to be bored. My goodness!
"V\Tiy is tha-at? Because it is con-
sid-ered ve-ry becoming to be
that way.
[10]
SIREN
The Kid Says-
He ciislit'd ill some War Saviiifi-s
Stamps ami at'tci' lillinj; out all
till' applications and lornis. he
certainly worked for his money.
He had to wait in line as lonj;
to get his bow tied for the I'roni
as he did to ut't the ticiu-t.
Interesting, If True
Little Miss .MnlVelt
8at of on a tull'et,
\'amping the live-long day;
A rich fellow spied her
And sat down heside her —
Did he frighten Miss Mutiet—
Oh! Say!
-S-
Fashion of Fauchette— I.
I was lucky to glom
This unusual frock
Of pink deml-bock
In time from the prom.
from the
Boncyard
Anuiolocjy.
Out of the slimy eddies
Speaks a cheerful wraith:
My name is Jones,
But I don't mind that;
In fact —
I have kept a vow to be
Forever cheerful.
I read the
Philistine, and the
American Magazine.
I had hoped to succeed
By dint of cheerfulness.
Enthusiasm, and thrift.
But once.
At a football match
When our side lost, I said,
"Cheer up, classmates!
Just think, how glad
How Glad
The Visitors are — "
And so
The Boneyard got me.
8
Mother — Now, Hazel, can you
give me any reason why I should
not punish you for being naughty?
Hazel — Yes, ma. Doctor said
you weren't to take any vi'lent
exercise. — Guclph (Out.) Mercury
S
Jlother — Come Keith, don't be
a little savage — kiss the lady.
Keith — No, she's a naughty
lady. If I kiss her she'll give me
a slap just as she did to papa.
— ^S
Miss Inquisitive — Did you cele-
brate the Fourth of July, Doctor?
Dr. Soquem— No, the fifth.
Tlie Kid Says-
it's fiimiy to see a campus ("op
chasing a student and scared to
death tiiat he'll catch him.
I'roliiliition is a great thing.
Nobody ever knew how swell
liquor was before 1!)1!).
fie never tasted chee.se. He
could never gel close enough.
He can't uiiderslaiid wliy soror-
ities pull down the siiades when
we've got the honoi- system here.
The only thing economical about
Economics is the grades.
"Oh, what a weak-end," moaned
Frosh, as he stopi)ed the Satui--
day night paddle.
S
How many cigarettes does Rollo
smoke a day?
Oh, any given number. — Tiger.
S
Fashionsof Fauchette— II
This is one in a million —
A seamless, with sash,
Trimmed with purple and pash —
Purchased for the C*tillion. — (adv)
[11]
ssBm
Philander Peripatetica
A fine, blue, winter Saturday. Down tlie street meander, In amiable converse, Philander and Muriel, class of '22
— bound for the vaudeville. And Phil continues, saying, Muriel, I wish that I had known you long ago. You're awful
good comp'ny. And Muriel replies. Oh Phil, It's nice to be natural now and then, this life is so artificial, dont you think,
and I feel jus' as natural with you! And Phil, who has always been in the Lit school says, we are sympatica, Muriel,
sympatlca. I want to see a lot of you the rest of the year. Whereupon Muriel, since she is a senior too, says, you prob'ly
dont mean that, Phil, but it sounds very nice for the afternoon. Then, you're a good scout, Muriel, says Phil. I dont
usually like people, but I sure like to bum around with you. And so in the sunshine they talk, very cozy and friendly,
through the afternoon, through the vaudeville, through everything, for, as you can plainly see, they are not average
young people, and they apreciate the fact. They part at six, and agree, in Phil's words, that they'll be comrades, or
pals, or something of the sort. For that's the way that kind of day effects young people of more than ordinary
cleverness.
[12]
mSEN
ONCE-
South Campus*Igloo Dorms
A couple are dauciug. He i^5 rougli and it-ady
liaving worked in Dean's oifice the preceding year.
A hnulu'ring vokol bumps into them and the man
swears a hit in low tone of voice, (ilrl understands
hut says, "I'm insulted." "So'm I" he grunts. It
hajipens again and she tells him that slie is insulted
and he again replies in the atl'irmative. The third
time the man in a loud tone of voice sounds olf to
tiie entertainment of those near him.
"This is the third time this has happened" and
tiie girl makes him feel low by glaring at him. "If
it happens again I will leave the floor. I am quite
angry."
"So am 1" he says, "If he does it again well
both get off."
-S-
The Musings of Morpheus Mudd
"Tis truly a most pleasant thing, altliough a trifle
crazy,
When rendered langorous in the Spring, to lean
against a daisy.
I often ponder on liie fact, that though the Spin-
ach's ripe,
Some time before the second act, they always order
tripe.
• » » *
My friend, I lead a life of rest you ought to do the
same;
1 find I'm at my very best, a-watching of the game.
« • • »
This game of life is hard as nails; I hold that it is
wise
To perch aloft and watch the game, and gently
criticize.
» » « »
AATieu not too tired I stay up nights and watch the
silly moon,
ilockiug the sentimentalites who rhyme it u]) with
"croon"
And occasionally with "spoon."
* « » *
And tomorrow's anoihei- day,
— M.M.
There is a rumor abroad that .several of the
ingenious architectural students, in an effort to
squeeze luci'e enough out of their allowance for
one more date a week, have devised a jiian of cutting
down expenses.
If Mother iS'ature is favoraiile with sulVicient
snow, it is the purpose of these minds, some time
after Christmas to build a group of ice domiciles
after the latest some where on the South Campus
and will be strickly modern in every detail. Electric
heaters are to be ingeniously embedded in the ice
walls themselves. Because of the brilliancy of the
niiuds of those who are planning this venture it
is estimated that no special lighting system will be
necessary as the students w'ill be able to study with
in the light of their own illumination.
The plan has attracted world wide attention
and other Universities are only waiting the con-
sent of the originators before adopting tliese winter
dorms.
The only difficulty seems to be in the accoustic
properties of ice. Sound waves, be they ever so
melodious issuing from the average slumbering stu-
dent soon sets the ice walls to vibrating to such an
extent that they become red hot; and thus make
it uncomfortable to sleep inside the some what nar-
row confines of this otherwise most practical igloo-
bungalow.
S—
The Coal Committee of the Amalgamated
Church of the Twin Cities is to meet Monday night
one hour after dark behind the I. C. freight depot.
Committee members are requested to bring their
own gunny sacks, as those of the church were lost
in the adjournment of the last meeting dtie to the
visitation of the police.
S
Stude : "I've been lired from better places than
this."
Houncer: "Yes, but never any (juicker.''
— Javk-o-LatUeni.
ri".i
HREN
OH riVH*
A/O'
-^ -A <3 m
<;
fe
Nf<k TICJ No*
IT'S TOO LATE NOW TO SHOP EARLY !
Peregrinations of a Professor
Tennis
Having become highly concern-
ed over what Mr. I. S. Cobb so
graphically terms "the prelimin-
ary warnings of obesity", I pur-
chased a curiosly stringed but de-
cidedly unmusical instrVinient and
betrayed one of my erstwhile
friends into the gentle task of
guiding me in the paths of the
player of tennis.
Arriving near the grotesquely
diagrammed spaces of clay, we dis-
covered that other devotees were
before us, and perforce sate our-
selves down to wait. My friend
appeared utterly bored, except for
certain pleasurable moments of
annoyance when some of tlie gen-
tlemen exchanged sides with each
other. However, I had never
watched the game closely at a pre-
vious time, so I devoted my at-
tention to four young men whom
I judged to be expert by the force
and careless abandon with which
they struck the small white pel-
lets.
At last we secured the plot of
ground which I learned was called
a "court" and I embarked upon
the serious business of the exer-
cise. With some surprise at my
ignorance, mj^ friend explained a
By C. E. Notes
few of the technicalities to me,
and we proceeded to sti-ike the
sj)here back and forth for a while.
That is to say, he struck it at me,
and I interposed my racquet in
an attempt to return it. Usually
I failed of my purpose, but notli-
ing daunted, I hurried to pick up
the ball and toss it to him. I was
then much disgruntled to lea in
the impropriety of this method, as
it seemed much simpler and more
accurate than the awkward con-
cussion with the gut of my i»at.
My acquaintance having \niy
u o u n c e d himself sufficiently
"warmed up", and profuse per-
spiration assuring me that I had
long been in such a condition, we
began a game. I preferred to defer
the study of the methods of scor-
ing till a later date, but I was
much pleased at the frequency
with which my pai-tuer announced
my possession of "love". (It
should be remarked that I am very
happily married, and quite tied
down to my wife, but in my
younger days I was a gay young
blade).
When it came to lie my turn to
serve, I found great difficulty in
discerning the method of proced-
ure. At length I caught the knack,
[14]
however, and by striking the ball
well into the air succeeded in
avoiding more than an occasional
untimely interposition of the cord
network which separated my do-
main from that of my opponent.
After we had served alternately
a few times the gentleman with
whom I played announced the con-
clusion of a "set", and we drew
tlic lesson to a close. He remarked
that he had won all the points.
This was quite absurd, for I had'
craftily placed some of my shots
so far to one side that he could
not possiblj' reach them, but as I
was ignorant of the methods of
scoring, I declined to argue the
matter, and hastened to my suj)-
per in high dudgeon.
S
Mother — Elsie, why are you
shouting in that horrible fashion?
Why can't you be quiet like
Willie?
Elsie — He's got to be quiet the
way we're playin'. He's papa com-
ing home late and I'm you.
S
Doctor — Your profession does
not make angels out of men, does
it?
Lawyer — No ! We leave that to
the doctors. — Atlantic City Union
I
SIREN
• te
[15]
HREN
The Ends of Man
Jazz,
Mamman,
Divorce,
Home Brew,
Matrimony,
Flirtation,
Osculation,
A ride at the head of the pro-
cession — S.K.E.
, S
Fools step out when wise men
go to bed. — >S't/n Dodger.
. S
Blue Monday
Mary Minta
Remenil)er how it increases your
ire
when you sit in front of the tire
And yon are bored.
The wit ?, of the house clown
sends your feelings down and
down
As laugh after laugh
He has scored.
At the end of every hit you
slide into the pit
With hopes for now and ever
floored
Oh you feel that as a rule you're a
simple simeon fool
With a bean just like the ordinary
gourd
And you know there's no excuse
So what in hells the use
You're just bored.
S
Jack : "I hit a guy in the nose
yesterday and you should have
seen him run".
Mack: "That so?"
Jack: "Yeh; but he didn't
catch me". — Widow.
My name is Mary Minta Frye;
I hope I am a lady;
I hope to wed before I die
A bird named Egbert Brady.
My portrait, which above is seen,
Is one Ma never saw;
Nor Egbert either; and, I ween.
It's still unknown to Paw.
For since September I have changed,
And I am changing yet;
Observe how well my hair's arranged:
Observe the cigarette.
When I'm at home it's otherwise;
Lost, there, my ardent glance;
1 wash the dishes, sweet and wise;
I hardly ever dance.
But now I'm running with the pack,
To be coeducated;
For I must live e'er I go back.
With Egbert to be mated.
So all in all, dear reader, dont
Be awed by my endeavor
To be a little vamp; I wont
Continue so forever.
The queens you see at Bradley Hall,
Are, chez lue, not queens at all.
And likewise, many of the princes.
On their Main Street, are merely
quinces.
Diffident '21 : "When you have
another's arms about you, do you
ever think of me?"
She of 23: "Sometimes, if I
happen to be riding by a brew-
ery". — Pelican.
Pitchers Have Ears
A little saying from a seven-
year-old girl.
Neighbor : How is your mother
this morning?
Little Girl : My mother is at
the hospital.
Neighbor: Why! I did not
know your mother was ill.
Little Girl : No, it is my aunt
who is ill.
Neighbor : What is the matter
with your aunt?
Little Girl : She has a had head-
ache.
Neighbor: Why! I did not
know any one went to the hospital
for a bad headache!
Little Girl (looking up quickly
with a very interested, bright
look on her face) : That is not
the real reason, I think; they are
spelling things on me.
— Christian Bcgii^trr.
I'^ine feathers make fine feather
beds.
S
.t»,^J^.^ «**»»»" ^
He : Shall we go to the theater,
dearie ?
She: But I haven't a thing to
wear.
He: Well, put it on and we'll
go to the opera.
S
He: Have you tried the new
elevator dance?
She: No what are the steps
like?
He : There aren't any. — Mainiac
[16]
mSEM
He gy. '^cLtinpfl'T .
An Archaic Idyll
Place — University golfing field.
(Miin showing import view from first tee. An-
other man tries to drive off, swings at hall, hreaks
(lull and profanely digs sod ont of eyes; all within
easy range.)
Him— "Well what do you think of it?"
Her — "Prettv coarse."
Curses
From the shades a dusky jingo headed straight
across my way,
Eyeballs lurid 'ueath the street light. Now the devil
is to pay!
<thosts don't thrill my spinal column— leering spec-
tres ill-demeaned —
Saints preserve my tottering fortunes, ruined by
that coal black fiend I
Deaths and blow-outs, flunks on quizzes — just my
luck — or worse than these —
< "urse you pussy ! Xow you've done it — Gosh I You're
nothing but Maltese!
. _s
Ah, Declaih!
Little Darwin Beach Carre',
Met a polah beah;
Said the beah, "Whom have we heah?"
But Darwin wasn't theah.
(edit note: You'll appreciate this the more if you
know Darwin, or New Orleans.)
S
Don't write hojue about the weather; they're
probably having plenty of their own.
's a Blue World
1 woiildiil |)okc fun at the Boneyard.
-V I'rof. is no object of mirtli ;
Till' j;irls I adore, and those whom I bore.
\^'o^lhl liardty lie subjects of worlii.
A sliort skirt may cause me to cliuckle,
Uiit consciem-e nnist stifk' tlie rest:
W'hih' Freshman acumen is not ai all limiian.
And seldom is fiuuiy at best.
I'd like to write verse by the hour.
The kind filled with humor and glee;
B\it since my digestion is out of the question.
There's nothing seems funny to me.
-S-
Social Life Among the Sisters
Bessye : My dear, so glajja come. We were jus'
talking aboucha.
Marye: Thank ya, dear. That's why I come.
s
Tourist: "How long since it rained here";"'
Farmer: "Quite a spell."
T: "Keckou you'd like to see some rain'?"
F: "I ain't p'tickler but I got a nine year old
boy wot would like to." — Sun- Dodger.
[17]
SIREN
Apropos reviewing, we watched tlie most receut
squabble between reviewer aud reviewed with the
usual disgust and rancor. According to the cus-
tom, the review said what he thought, and so did
manager and principles, aud nobody got anywhere,
other than to set everything at naught. Why in the
name of Aristarchus does not someone settle this
matter of campus criticism for once and all?
S
To be personal again, a friend of ours recently
made Poetry Magazine. We copy the following, tak-
en at random, mainly because it is about Love. Hope
you like it.
To a Dead Love . . .
Why, O love,
Shall I not sing.
Who above her child
Would plant a flowering thing?
# -K- -X- « --
For those interested in llliui publicity, we
might observe that we found "osky wow-wow, Illi-
nois'' listed as the war cry of the natives of the
Filbert Islands in Captain Traprock's "Cruise of the
Kawa". Risen from the ranks!
» «• «- « «
While listening recently to Emmy Destinn, we
decided that a concert is a game between a musician
and an audience. The object of the game is for the
audience to see how much more it can get than it
paid for. Usually the artist wins, if he is at all ex-
perienced.
But recently we noticed a copy of the newest
Little Review in the English seminar. It was al-
ready dog-eared, and as near as we could judge, as
pornographic as ever.
» «• * w *
Now that it is about Christmas time again, we
must be getting out our "Tristram Shandy", and
read about Phutatorius and his chestnuts. We read
it with all the zest that anyone else reads the
"ChrLstmas Carol". Try it.
» « » * »
As you may well know, "Candida" was recently
in our midst. It interested us, no matter how badly
it may have been played, because we have a friend
much like Marchbanks, the poet. A most ladylike
man!
, » -J -s- a »
And speaking of Shaw, we lind in his postscript
to "Passion, Poison, and Petrifaction", where in a
gentleman is to partake of the more succulent bits
of a ceiling:
"As it is e.xtremely difficult to find an actor cap-
able of eating a real ceiling, it will be found cou-
venient in performance to substitute the tops of old
wedding cakes for plaster. There is but little dif-
ference in material between the two substances ; but
the taste of the wedding cake is considered more
agreeable Ity some people." Amusing, what?
[18]
mOEN
608 East Green
A BOX of
CHOCOLATES
will make an ideal Christmas
remembrance
LaNOY
SPOEHR
JOHNSTON
BEICHS
+._.
VAUGHN'S
SHOP/orMEN
'Vtiullo Tljeatre Building
FLNE
HATS
SHIRTS
NECKWFAR
HOSE
■•+ +■
-+
'Milk-Fed" Poultry
At Christmas
Or any time you'll like
our milk-fed poultry
HCiTELS CAFES
PiniMfi <2ARS
FRAT£RM{T(£S
SORORITIES
51 ehester Street
PAOKGf? C>F
<~A/Misi 305 ^^A&f' GAR 1536
H.PAUL TICK MGR.
Gh6Tnp6.i4n
-._.*
k
[19]
HREN
S'Odes
"I take from out iiij packet symbols thrice,
Two are for pleasure, one the price." (Saxe).
To tliee the first, fair goddess of the dance ;
Skinned shins and scuffled suede,
IjOw decollete and ironed pants
Those unskilled and those you made.
And so to thee then Orpheus the great.
I slumbered 'neath thy bowers.
Quips and pus of vintage '98,
And latest music? languisheth my hours.
And last to thee god, whiskered, fat;
My watch has past thy way,
My checkered vest, studs, sunday hat.
Companions, all have gone to stay.
I liold within my packet synd)oIs three,
All three are void they dont mean much to u
A '23.
. ' ■ *
DICK MINER
Plumbing and Heating Contractor
IDEAL HEATING
BOILERS
Phone Main 561
219 West Main Street
UBBANA, ILLINOIS
. ™ m, m, ,■« «,_nn^ini nil m. rm - m !■ Iftt " " °4'
*t*l^~W M— ■ M^— M^— M^— mj-^UB^— M^— m^— »B I Ml— M^— M^— MB^— IM UK ■■Ml^— M^^mi^— Wl^— nU— W^— 1^— M^— ™^— m^— ™— HM IB UB i™ IM -»-
[201
Christmas
Vacation
111 aiiticiimtion of joyous restful
iliiys aiuoiij; your folks and fi-ieuds —
help to make iiieiiy by taking a gift
fioiu the University towu — peruse the
8tock of
Gold and Silverware
Diamonds and Art Goods
Watches and Emblems
in Gold and Silver
Wuititi iixin — Vhampaiiju'K Lradhi;/
Jeweler
Wuesteman
goods of character and quality
built to last a lite time
SIREN
Skate !
At the Twin City
Rink
rieuty of fun and enjoyable
exercise amid pleasant and re-
fined environment.
Admission
Skates and Service.
.25c
-25c
50c
Every Afternoon
2 to 5
Every Evening
7 to 12
322 N. ffickory
On the way to the Orph.
+ — -
Oh, Mister!
TRY OUR BOX CANDIES
and LIGHT LUNCHES
MAIN STREET
CHAMPAIGN
MAIN STREET
CHAMPAIGN
CONFFGTIONBRY
A full line of Whitman's, Foss' and Morse's Candies
(One, two, three and five pound boxes)
Schuler's Home-made Candies and Jersey Ice Cream — SATISFY!
[21J
I
S
I
HREN
"I Do Solemnly Swear"
Being a Sermon by Shimshin Hagibor
More than one word is "loo often profaned."'
Mark Twain said there onght to lie a room in every
liouse known as the Swearing Room iu which we
were to do onr swearing nnrestrainedly in order not
to do it in pnldic. t^ince we have not acted on tliis
suggestion, we are taking the consequence of the
neglect. "Wherever yon go, whatever yonr situation
in life, you hear, and yourself use, conversation
sonietliing like this:
"Sa .shame! ^Vhy the dont they
keep them books on the shelves the
way they oughta?"
You go into a barber shop.
••Well now,"' says the only man who ever does
any talking in a barber shop, "if it wasn't for them
Japs wantin' to run the whole
world everything would be fine. Or
even them Englishmen. Why the
. . ." and so on.
On the way home a little boy on skates bumps
into you, knocking the ashes from your cigar.
"Holy ! Why the cant
70U look where you're goin'!" you howl. "
it, a man aint safe no more these days!"
Then maybe you get home and find the front door
locked. You bang on it. Then you say:
"For ! Somebody come and open
this door! Think I wanta stay out
all night and freeze? !"
You get a letter from home. You open the
envelope. No check. Your remark is, "Oh, !"
In the morning the alarm clock announces it
is time to get out of bed, which, naturally, yon
hate to do. So you .say,
I
"You taught me language, and my profit on it
it, I know how to curse." says Caliban. Everyone
has ob.served that when foreigners come to our
country, tl-iey usually leai'u to curse long before they
are taught the language The reason is not for to
seek.
We all talk like that: college iirofessor (Not
all, surely, Shimshin. Surely not i\]].— Editor) the
bootblack, and intermediate stations.
Once I went to a Mixer. Somebody came up,
read my tag, and exclaimed :
"Oh! So you're from New Jersey?"
"You're right I am !" I said.
Do
You
Worry?
about what you shall give, her,
him, or it foi- Christmas? Do you
stay awake nights scratching your
head for ideas and find them even
more scarce than clean shirts
when you need them?
Don't Do
It-
because for one little, round dol-
lar, — silver, paper, gold, or dance
ticket — the problem may be solved.
Drop the dollar and the name of
your beneficiary in the office of
The
in the Union Building and we will
send her, him, or it a neat Christ-
mas card informing her, him, or
it of your kindness in being re-
sponsible for the five remaining
issues of said Siren.
HERE IT IS
ALL BOILED DOWN
LIKE A MESS
OF HOME BREW
You pay one little berry and we
send any place yoii say a copy of
every remaining issue of the
Siren. That's all.
+._»
[22]
HREN
+ — .-
Because Paris
Insisted—
The influence of saudal
effects is felt in dress shoes.
This note conies from Paris
— but notice that it is not
extreme.
SNYDER & SNYDER
Bvadlev Arcade
312 Hickory St.
Look in Our Window
Today !
A\'licii vdU ai-c out walkiii}; to-
day fjo pa.*^! our slorc and set- our
Window.
We are (iroird ol" it and we
want yon to .set' it. We arc sliow-
in<r a complete line of Diamond.^,
Walclics and Jewelry. Novelty
j;oods in (Jold and Silver. Just
the thing for Christmas Gifts.
The price is on each article. We
are not ashamed of either the
jirice or merchandise. Tliey cau't
l)e beat.
SMITH & MOUCH
Rcason-aHc Jewelers
Neil at Taylor Street
CHAMPAIGN
+-
••* ♦—
— ♦
— *
ENGRAVING
MULTIGRAPHING
PRINTING
Christmas Cards
for individual Personalities
The Holiday Vacation affords an excel-
lent opportunity to have your class notes.
themes and reports typed
COMMERCIAL SERVICE COMPANY
17 TAYLOR ST.
W. F. FAULKNER, Mgr.
•i
I .
B
I
I
[23]
L
HREN
i
— +
I
I
Christmas
Cards
CHRISTMAS CARDS
cost so little and
mean so much that you
cannot afford to for-
get any one. Our choice
assortment of Greeting
Cards will make it easy
for you to select just
the cards you want. We
have them with U. of
I. Seal.
Strauch's
The Art Gift Shop
The Doc — The only hope for
your mother-in law is for you to
.send her to ;i warm climate.
Heni-y Peck — (returning from
woodshed with the axe) Here, yon
liit her. I can't.
— I'urple Goto.
— S
He — There is a certain (juestion
I've wanted to ask you for weeks.
She — Well, hurry up. I've had
the answer ready for months.
— Judge.
— — S
AVife (at dinner) : "You don't
seem to like rice".
Husband : "No, it's associated
willi one of the greatest mistakes
ol' my life". — Voo Dao.
S
4. —
"'+
Boris — I sleep witli my dog
every night.
Eeba — That's very unhealthy.
Boris — I know, but he's used to
it now. — Record.
Your Account
Will Be Welcome
At This Bank
No red tape and no charges for
opening an account with us
First State Bank
URBANA
^■^— Mi^— H^— wi.^ mi.^ nn— im^— in— M^— w^— ■— ■— ■•«J»
I
When you fit out your house
team to
Win the Cups and Championship in
BASKETBALL
i
Just Remember We Are Ready to Furnish
Complete Outfits
JERSEYS, PANTS, STOCKINGS. SHOES
KNEE PADS, BALLS
U. of I. SUPPLY STORE
Green and Wright
(ff»$.<»^5^ ^« S >Vffi» t »W^ ?»fi
[24]
I
jniEN
SEND IT TO GORDON'S FOR CLEANING {
511 S. Goodwin Avenue /ViNIU I IX lLoO 1 IN VJ 4232— Main j
i
S Main Street, Champaign Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1 j
I
I
I
Smith & Picard I
Meats Brought from the Farm to You Direct ]
•
HOME KILLED MEATS, POULTRY, PORK I
AND LARD I
I
I
"Champaign's Cleanest Market" i
WHOLESALE RETAIL I
I
i. ._._. . .__._, ._„_,_. ._. ._. ._„_„_. „ i
Laundry Depot
At 510 Green Street is for your convenience. You will find it
a Real Pleasure to do business with Mr. and Mrs. Keagy
White Line Laundry
White Line Cleaners and Pressers
Main 406
4— >— . „_._._._,._._„_,_._._._„_„_._„_._„_._—»—„ — ._„_.._,. „_._„_«_.._„_„_„_._._»— .+
+. . ._._._._„ ._._._._._„ ._. ._._. . . ..— » — +
!
It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly
We have seldom indulged iu superlatives. Kelly quality has been so well established that
it hasn't been necessary. To-day, Kellys are belter than ever, but their price has been mater-
ially lowered. Exhaustion of war-priced material and economies made possible in the new
(''und)erland Plant have l»rought down costs and, tliis saving is beinj; passed alonf; to the u.ser.
Churchill, Bengston & Miller, Inc.
(Successors to Urbana Harness Co.)
115-117 North Race Street URBANA. ILL.
AUTOMOBILE TIRES AND ACCESSORIES— AUTO TOP REPAIRING
I
.—.—.— .4.
[25]
SIREN
i
PUT NEW PLUMBING-
IN YOUR HOUSE-
)TIS SURE
TO PLEASE/
VoUR_
SPOUSE I
LET us tell you of something
that will make your wife
happy. Place In her kitchen and
bathroom the plumbing and the
accessories that she told you
about such a long time ago.
Don't you think that it would
surprise her and please her?
We do.
L. W. Apperson
URBANA
Main 906 120 S. Race St.
Teacher — "Paul, write a short
theme ou the subject of baseball".
Paul hauded in the following :
"Rain, no game".
— Portland Oregonian.
S
Margy — "I don't understand
liaseball at all, do you?"
Mabel — "AVhy, you don't have
to understand it. Everytliing is
decided by a man they call the
vampire !"
— Hnuth Bend Tribune.
S
Why Be Without
ajTypewriter?
Tommy — Motlier's tin-owing
plates at father.
Visit(n" — Is she angry with him?
Tommy — No, but she's workin"
11]) to it.
— Boston Transcriiit.
S
Mini.ster — There, lilllc boy. I
wouldn't cry like that.
Boy — How would yoti cry, then ?
This is the only way I know.
— Neio York Herald.
2l month
vone 5^
Corona
The Personal Writini Machine
i
THAT'S how easy it is to
pay for Corona, the
little 6} 2-pound typewriter
you can fold up, take with
you, write with anywhere.
Phone us today for a free
demonstration.
R. C. WHITE & CO.
612 Green— M. 922
..-+
Christmas Apparel of Distinctive
Fineness for University
Women
McAllister Stores
Where every effort is made to satisfy the apparel wants
of the University girl. The maximum of Style, Quality,
and Value is combined to insure complete satisfaction.
Main Street
Urbana
'The Urbana Store
for Women"
[26]
Bill's Christmas Neckties
I FOUND Bill industriously
wielding the old Waterman.
"What's the big idea?" I
inquired in the classic vernacu-
lar of John and Daniel streets.
"It's me Christmas list," he
responded proudly, ceasing his
work and negotiating the loan ;f_^
of a cigaret and the inevitable
match. Bill never .seems to have
anything but the appetite as
the old joke goes.
"Just checking over the old
Christmas list," lie e.xplained.
"I always like to take home a few presents for the men
of the family, I've found it pays to do my little shopping
right here on Green street instead of waiting till 1 get
home. , ^]
"And I've found that the gift that gets across with dad
and the rest of the men is a top-hole necktie.
"And I've got dad Just the kind of conservative tie that
he likes — it's a neat check in blue and black — hand-made
from English silk. It's one of those Keys and Lockwood
ties. This particular material hasn't been on the market
since before the war.
"Cost like sin?" I interjected.
"Nope. Only two bucks.
"Fred, my older brother, is a fiend for toppy neckties. I
found him a French moiret — guess I'm getting to be an
expert, what? — in stripes. This was a Keys and Lock-
wood, too. Handmade and everything. Set me back three
bucks but it's well worth it. And Fred's pretty good to
write when there's a pinch."
Bill borrowed another cigaret. I'm pretty good, too,
when smoking is scarce, I guess.
"Johnny, my kid brother, is a senior in high school,"
Bill resumed. "You can guess he's pretty particular about
his ties. I got him a 'Scotchspun' — another handmade tie.
Its woven over Scotland by the families of the village
that turns out famous tweeds. This nicked me two dollars
but wait till Johnny swaggers around with that tie on —
I won't begrudge it. The very fact that the tie is hot from
the Illinois campus will increase its desirability in his eye."
"Well, does that conclude the neckwear saga?" 1
asked.
"Yes, except that after getting these scrumptious ties
for the folks, I had to get one to wear home myself," said
Bill. And I sure got myself a bird — an English knit tie.
Heather mixture — six different colors, you can count 'em.
There were good knits much cheaper but, oh, boy. I just
had to have it. Stood me three bones but it will last
forever."
I suggested that Bill must have done a lot of running
around to get just the ties he wanted.
"Not a bit of it," he replied. "Got 'em right here at
Zom's. The old boy's got more classy neckwear than
you ever saw."
Me for Zom's this week. I'm going to take home some
of those delectable ties, too.
FOR THOSE WHO ARE PARTICULAR
PAlLmLL
FAMOUS CIGARETTES
[ounds
Do not have to be tapped,
squeezed or loosened.
A round cigarette (plain end)
with a free and easy draught.
^\j in the new foil package.
^
ej/ areaood taste
PALL MALL (REGULARS) PLAIN OR CORK,
IN BOXES OF 10, 50, 100 AS USUAL
t27J
SIREN
READ!
With the Aid of Right
Lighting !
Arithmetic, grammar and
spelling — tough propositions
for children. Yet, like the
help of an older mind, right
lighting can do its part to
make them easier. Won't you
let us help solve your lighting
problem?
CHANDLER
ELECTRIC
SHOP
107 W. Main St.
t We'd Like to Meet Dick t
"Strange, Dick likes Gladys so".
'■^Miy, she's not bad".
"That's what makes it so
sti-ange". — Exchange.
-S
The clock struck nine. 1 looke<l at
her,
Her lips were rosy red.
"At quarter after nine, I mean
To steal a kiss", I said.
She cast a roguish glance at me,
And then shd whispered low.
AVith quite lier sweetest little
smile,
"The clock's like yon — it's slow".
— Whizz Bang.
S
Instructor after, several failures
to answer his question) : "Next".
Stude (waking up) : "Haircut
and shave". — Burr.
S
"Hubby, how do you like my
marble cake'?"
"I never saw a better imitation
~. of marble". — Judge.
BIDWELL'S
BETTER
CANDIES
Special
Christmas
Boxes
of
Home Made
Candies
Next to Post Office
"Wright St.
Y
OU'LL remember
this confectionery
after you graduate
for its
CHILI
SALADS
CHOP SUEY
SANDWICHES
MUSIC SUNDAY AFTERNOONS
LUNCHEONETTE SERVICE
ARTISTIC CANDY BASKETS
ARCTIC CAKE— The choco-
late coated ice cream bar
PREHN & PALMER
GREEN AT SIXTH
+-»
[28]
snxN
It's Not How Cheap
But How Good
Printing
That Pleases
STATIONERY
DANCE
PROGRAMS
ANNOUNCEMENTS
and general printing
TelephoiR" Gaitiokl l'L'40
PEASE PRINT
SHOP
22 Main Street
CHAMPAIGN
Kastiis (at tliu (laurel : ".Mainly,
is your program full?"
Maudy: "Lawily, no. it takes
iiui' tlaii two saiiilwiciies an" a ciip
of tea to lill ma i>i'oj;raiii".
—Thr Owl.
8
+ —
— — — +
Lawyer: AVill SlTi.OOO for breach
of ]iroiiiise, l)e puiiisliiiieiit enough
for him?
The Aggrieved: No, I want liiiii
to marry me. — The Owl.
S
I always was superstitious. I
didn't know whether to marry
Anna or Mary, and I picked up a
cigai- on the street, an' bless me if
it didn't say Havana, so I took
Anna.— r/ic Owl.
S
•J"
Judge: Can't this case l»e set-
tled out of court?
Kelly : Sure, 'that's what we
were trying to do, your honor,
when the police intvtrfered.
—The Owl.
Mullikin
Cash
Store
<s>
College Girl
Corselettes
tor the "oorsetless figure'
$1.50 to $3.50
S:lk and Wool Hose
$1.50 to $:3.50
Satinette Bloomers
at $2.95
-+
A
nnouncing
The Opening
of the
BEST BILLIARD PARLOR
IN THE UNIVERSITY DISTRICT
We Handle Orpheum Tickets
621-623 East Green St.
(Over Twin City Cafe)
CAVANAUGH BROS.
—ED. CAVANAUGH
+— — — " *
[29]
Qi
35 Wiped out
in cigarettes
■
I
You carit help but lljke idem!
%ey are DIFFERENT -7);ey are GOOD
Polly Fm Surprised !
Polly put the kettle on:
Polly put the kettle on;
Polly put the kettle on ;
And i)ayed no further iittention toil.
S
Dear Teacher — Now, Otto, wiiere is < "haiiii.aii;!!?
Smart Otto — Near the Clianipaiijn ("ountr.v
Club.
i^ — -"'^-''^^^
Prices on
STETSON HATS
for FALL
averaging
2S% lower
than last year
iMMM-
Stetson has always
taken particular pride
in college men's un-
failing approval of
Stetson style.
A critical clientele, and
one whose influence
makes itself felt far
beyond the campus.
Stetson Style
Stetson Siaality
Stetson Money's IVorth
The same (ndav as for
56 years assured
by the
Stetson Siuality Mark
in E-very Hat
STETSON HATS
John B. Stetson Company, Philadelphia
^■^t
^V^P^IF^
I
HREN
Complete
Satisfaction
with your present
appearance is
dangerous
Think it over !
GELVIN'S
CLOTHES SHOP
510 East Green
■Clothes that Make the Man"
How About Taking
Home
An Electrical
Christmas
Gift
Let )is
help you
decide
<?>
Summers Electric Co.
:Ut; N. Hickory St.
Main 4564 CHAMPAIGN
"Electrical — Practical — Economical"
I
I
■
I
[31]
I
HREN
"Vee haf a new l)ai)_v j^iiil at our lioiise", said
the liappy male parent.
"Veil, veil", said the listener, "and \i>1 did yiin
call her?"
"Vee called lier 'Kose' ".
"After vot did you name her dat?"
"After she vass born".
S
Willie — Ma, wliat do tliey mean hy a "measured
tread?"
Mamma — For example, your iatlier's tread,
wh'.'U he came home last night measuring about two
<|uarts. — Drtrnif Free I'rcsis.
Whistle's Place
Formerly run by Dusty Roads
( >i(lers taken for all kinds of pastry and
tilled on sliort notice
.">12 E. Daniel St.
I
I
C. O. WILLIS, Prop.
V
csiRns
E4rckm§s
Colorpla*tcs
PKofo-EngraVings
^ yo> —
J'LchJertisino
jAirposes
G.R.Grudd S Co.
C K a m n a 1 oj n . 1 1 1 i n o I s
I
-.4.
Seven
Practical
Xmas
Gifts
No gift will be appreciated so much
by IlUni men and women as a year's
subscription to one of the following
campus publications:
The Illinois Agriculturist
The Illinois Magazine
The Technograph
The Enterpriser
The Daily Illini
The 1923 Illio
The Siren
^
Yoii may subscrilie for any of the above
pviblications at the office of the
Illini Publishing Co.
617 E. Green SI.
CHAMPAIGN
[32]
Hiilorf or Ctoo\cs Tide
How Were X^Rays Discovered?
SIR James Mackenzie Davidson visited Professoi Roentgen to find
out how he discovered the X-rays.
Roentgen had covered a vacuum tube, called a Hittorf or Crookes
tube, with black paper so as to cut off all its light. About four yards
away was a piece of cardboard coated with a fluorescent compound.
He turned on the current in the tube. The cardboard glowed brightly.
Sir James asked him: "VvT-.at did you thmk?"
"I didn't think, I investigated, " said Roentgen, fie wanted to
know what made the cardboard glow. Cnly planned expcrim.cnts
could give the answer. We all know the practical result. Thousands
of lives are saved by surgeons who use the X-rays.
Later on, one of the scientists in the Research Laboratory of the
General Electric Company became interested in a certain phenom.enon
sometimies observed in incandescent lamps. Others had observed it,
but he, like Roentgen, investigated. The result was the discovery
of new laws governing electrical conduction in high vacuum.
Another scientist in the same laboratory saw that on the basis of those
new laws he could build a new tube for producing X-rays m.ore effec-
tively. This was the Coolidge X-ray tube which m.arked the gre::test
advance in the X-ray art since the original discovery by Roentgen.
Thus, scientific investigation of a strange phenomenon led to the
discovery of a new art, and scientific investigation of another strange
phenomenon led to the greatest improvement in that art.
It is for such reasons that the Research Laboratories of the General
Electiic Company are continually investigating, continually cxplorinf^
the unknown. It is new knowledge that is sought. But practical
results follow in an endless stream, and in many unexpected ways.
General OfiSce C O HI D ^ O V Schenectady. N. Y.
Gus Yortzes
H. M. Spang
■ ■■' - ■■" '^ '
1
:
v^^-L
E;t;-iS|!HKiifi^^, ,,-,-i)y"'.;
Pi
J
il ■iiiBf it§ ^M\-^*- ^Mte„ '** ^g^B
Twin City Cafe No. 2
The ILLINI Tribe
is eatherin
IHE rallviiij; ci-y is
s () II II (1 i 11 i;. \'ali;iiit
hraves and lieautit'iil
iiKiideiis hear the call.
They hiirrv iu from the (-did mist
of evening with joy and expect-
ancy iu their eyes. The day's
Inint li;;s been h)iig; tliey are tired.
They are anxious to reacli the
camping phice where warm food,
heautifnl mnsic and pleasant sur-
rounding await them.
These noble Indians never had
such a rallying jd^ce as this
before.
No wonder they love it.
TWIN CITY CAFE
621 East Green .... Champaign .... 1\0, ^
Twin City Cafe No. 1—309 N. Neil St.
AT YOUR SERVICE ALL NIGHT
JUIEN
^itLMdi'
MAR 1 " 1922
• EDICATED TO NO^'^RNSE, SATIRE AND CRITICISM
How shall we know you winter maid? By your pink cheeks?
Oh never! For oft in summer have your cheeks been pink.
By fair means or by foul. Your furs, I think.
Magnificent, of rat, or skunk, or mink, are what I know you by .
A dollar down — (Don't frown; that's what you paid)
. . . .And fifty cents forever.
VIID-YEAR NUMBER
L^"^-'^'^— ■ .
MCMXXII
^
^^3^^S:
a:
M»»»^WX»*n»**«»»<>^H»<i« ICi^ l»**ll»**«*»**«»» * ««»»**«»»**'g^^
1
Q
Don't Buy A Piece Of Unfinished Worsted!
Buy A Masterpiece Of Finished Tailoring!
Tuxedo Suits, $40 to $50
Central Illinois' Greatest Store for Men
JOS. KUHN & CO.
33-35-37 Main Street
Champaign
I
C«p?rl(kt I92I. br A. 9. ■.
M f • eie ^ l» * utfttma^'^^
¥»^^»^S#»»«
l««*«H»j
1(3^3
I
Whitman's famous candies are sold by
Vrhana
Mouyious Bros.
University Pharmacy, 505 S. Goodwin St.
Urbana Drug Company, 111 W. Main St.
Champaign
John Schuler &. Co.
Arcade Confectionery
0. A. Thornhill)
Special
Illinois
Package
JOCEN
1
College Hall
Barber
Shop
HARRY HARTBANK. Prop.
THREE EXPERT
BARBERS
H-m-m-m-m
What is the tune the flappers hum
Whenever they pass you by?
Dont work with all, but then with
some.
What do they hum and why?
A dainty hmm, a gracious boon
Accented coy and wise.
A lilting, dancing, fairy tune
And innocent baby eyes.
What is the tune, if one at all?
A hymn or a lullaby?
A problem that will never pall.
What do they hum and why?
—A. '25.
UNDER
COLLEGE
HALL
-S-
I
I
''Yes, father lived longer than
we thought he would— the power
plant broke down".— Froth.
You will admire our
workmanship in all
lines of
Dyeing
and
Cleaning
Garments Called
for and
Delivered
Promptly
Carpets and Rugs Given
Special Attention
PARIS DYEING &
CLEANING WKS.
Call Main 1744
i
* —
._.._. — . .+
1
-..+
February Fourteenth
VALENTINE DAY
Don't forget to send her a nice
boquet of flowers or a corsage
We liave the best and can send flowers to any
town in the country
Piio.xE.s :
Main 908 — Garfield 1075
\Vm. Jos. Wcr tier. '19. Manager
University
State
Bank
OF CHAMPAIGN
A GOOD BANK
FOR ALL
ILLINI
[2]
SIREN
McEVILLY
^"^ BROWN
Shoe Repairing
Cleaning and
Pressing
We cany
;i full line of polishes
and laces.
ORPHEUM BUILDING
403 EAST GREEN
A Little Column of Young
Cynicism
<>: yuiitli lifwuie the fond gazelle,
I'^lse you will iiresently icf^rct it.
In odicr (lays tlu-y pined and
died,
Hnl now tlicy sue U<v cnsli- ;ind
yet it.
S
l.st: I call her the public office.
I'nd : Zat so.
\s\ : Vch slies al\vay.s seeking
I lie man.
S
"Foiled," cui'sed the nut bar a.s
the \vra]ipei- went around it.
_S
(tot anything to show for yuui-
birthday?
( Inly a lit lie hosiery.
S
"1 don't care to keep that school
girl coniple.vion,"' said the young
fellow as he dusted off his lapels.
('<))i((iit coinvH irilh ilcclri-
(•ill/. — lUrctvic Al.
KNOW contciilMicnt —
know electricity.
Know the best light-
know electricity. Know the
way to save labor and banish
drudgery — know electrical
helps. Know the shop where
you'll get superior electrical
supplies and service — know
|.|:|.lWmj<4J-ITi
CONSTRUCTION CD. INC."
%ti,
cr>H:hinq
1 metrical *
DPP. INMAN HOTEL.
fNONE EAR. iai3
..-+
Gilliland's Cafeteria
The food we serve is the best that money can buy. Our experience in
the selection of food products is such that you can rely upon the kind
of a meal that will be served to you in this new and up to date cafeteria
L
117 South Race Street— Urbana
[3J
!
•4
SIREN
Victrola
Records
Here you may have a
clioice of Victrola, Col-
umbia or Brunswick
records.
Ask to Hear the New
Releases for
February
We also have a large
selection of string in-
struments and
saxaphones
G. W. Lawrence
112 West Main Street
URBANA
»■* ODE TO A GRECIAN STEIN
John Keats oncp caroled well about
The beauties of an empty urn,
And told its graces in and out,
In lines whose cadences still burn.
Now, I would pick no such for mine;
The vase I'd praise, could I begin it,
Would be a common 'graceless stein —
Provided there were something
in it.
Arcade
Barber Shop
Cushing Bros. Prop.
IN ORDER
1
"Gush"
2
"Ray"
3
"Sam"
4
"Jack"
Let us demonstrate the
Scott Sharpener, it gets
results from all the
safety blades in exist-
ence.
see "Gush" He Knows
I
»-♦
Moorehead Furniture
Company
Neil and University Avenue
CHAMPAIGN, ILL..
EVEEYTHING in Home furnishings.
A most complete line of Furniture,
for every room or use in the home.
Featuring all requirement for Olubs,
Fraternity, and Sorority houses.
We Are Especially Well
Equipped in Oui- Rug
Department
^— mi
[4]
iiu<^n^
I
JIKEN
-+ +
Eversharp
Headquarters
We carry a complete assortment
of Eversharp pencils comprising
the entire line. When you buy
don't he satisfied without having
seen all the different styles
made. We carry them all.
If you now possess an Evei-sharp
and have need of any repairs we
are equipped to take care of you
promptly. Come in and see the
line, we are glad to show you,
there is no obligation.
Wr Lead in Every Line We Carry
Knowlton & Bennett
Urbana
TlIK ORIGINAL— (Never Duplicated)
Look For the Three Cows
Always delicious, iii\ij;(Maliii}; ;uid re-
freshing. Health and strength in every
glass.
Ask for and get "Horlick's" at foun-
tains. Keep a jar in your dormitory,
frat, cluh or room.
The favorite food drink of students
and athletes for over a tiiird ccntni-y.
— Avoid Substitutes
I
1
Hot and Cold
Ice Cream
Eat ice cream in the summer because
it is frozen, and will, in melting, elim-
inate a certain amount of your excess
heat. Eat it in the winter because the
butter-fat, eggs, and sugar iu ice cream
are all efficient heat-producers.
Only be sure that the cream you get
is ours. Then you can be sure that it
not only will have the flavor that has
made it the favorite, but you will have
the assurance that the ingredients will
be of the highest standard of ([uality
and purity. It pays to insist on our ice
cream.
Phones:
Garfield 2107
Main 175
Champaign Ice Cream Co.
111-115 E. University Street
The ARCADE
CONFECTIONERY
'Mr. and Mrs. Jimmie"
+—
rr.i
HREN
Si^n on the Dotted Line
— ♦
w
Camel says; "You can sign your name to this";
and when we read it our thought was of fountain
pens.
Sign on tlie dotted Une. When you touch your
pen to tlie paper does it write? Or do you have to
shake and cuss the thing to make it flow.
Conklin, Sheaffer, Waterman, Moore; these
pens are made by firms who have through years of
experience developed a finished product. They are
represented by dealers throughout the United
States and in Europe.
We guarantee to fit yom- hand, and to see that
the ink flows properly. Our organization will be here
permanently.
For satisfaction In pens come to the
"Chuck" Baily
606 E. Green
-Managers —
'Shelby" Himes
I
+-
L6J
J]fi£N
Scholastic Pastimes
>
The Geology Field Trip
[7]
I
T. P. BouRLAND, Editor; Geobge B. Switzer, Art Editor;
G. V. BlCHA^-A^^ Jr., Contributing Editor; Jack Tuttle.
Exchange Editor; Hokex Hoie, Contributing Artist.
J. A. NrcKOii.s. Business Manager: R. R, Fowi.er, Assist-
ant Busiurss Manager; R. J. Weber, Advertising Manager;
R. H. FKRor.so.x, Cireulation Manager.
Editorial Staff
A. L. Steaus L. M. Stormont
Agnes Vbooman L. F. Thicus
o. d. bcbge d. c. axlex
Chas. E. Noye.s
Business Staff
G. E. Darling
R. E. Denzel
C. R. Defexbaugh
Burt Hltid
J. A. Taylor .
Hugh Fechtman
Floyd Mochox
W. C. RUNKLE
J. O. Keth
Mary Werts
Helex Booth
Bruce Cowan
Art Staff
G. V. Buchanan Dorothy Schdlzb
Beatrice Adams Helen Hottinger
Martin Topper Constance Fbeeslan
M. R. Marx C. W. Baughman
J. J. Bresee Elizabeth Boggs
i
Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the
postoffice at.Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the
year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois.
trope it was necessary to repeat all that came before, be-
ginning with the letter A. So the learjjed one departed,
saying that he would straightway memorize the Brittanica
backward, so that Z might be as accessible as A. Whereat
he who desired enlightment as to Zeotropes uttered ribald-
ries and threw mudballs. There is no moral, for are not
final examinations given and taken in all our best reg-
ulated colleges?
On the New Year
And this is nineteen twenty-two! May it bring your-
selves and ourselves and all of us that felicity which we
so richly deserve, but which unfortunately exists in great
part only in Christmas tests.
Nineteen twenty-two! A quiz or so, and a bit more
snow, and then Spring. So the days will drift, until we
find ourr-elves in a new winter, with new hopes for a new
year. And another blase young man will write a similar
effete editorial.
In non-reading communities, the writing of editorials
is diverting and harmless.
On the Late Unpleasantness
It is related that in a far country a man once mem-
orized the Encyclopoedia Brittanica. After performing this
amazing labor he fared forth to dis eminate knowledge to
all who thirsted. The first man he met desired to know
what a Zeotrope might be. The learned on thereupon dis-
covered that before he could repeat the definition of Zeo-
On Fraternity Back Yards
The front door: well-kept parkings, swept walks,
smooth terraces, trimmed hedges, polished shoes, welcom-
ing hands.
The back door: ash cans and ash cans, ashes with-
out cans, cans without ashes, torn paper, old shirts, bot-
tle:=, busted furniture, busted bed-springs, litter, litter,
ashes to ashes.
In the sacred name of your future wives, gentlemen,
tidy up!
On an Obligation
It is now time, and past time, I think, for the first
installment of the Stadium notes to be paid. No doubt
I am but repeating what the Illini has by now said often
— but: Be good children, and keep your obligation. You
signed the note. Borrow if necessary. I, for one, have
borrowed in less worthy causes.
Do not, hypothetical reader; take these remarks in
a personal sense. I know right well you pay your debts.
These remarks are, as usual, for the other fellow.
[8]
JIREN
On Traditions
■■'Tis a line bright morning; let's go out and inaug-
urate some traditions!"
Of course, my friend, 1 agree with you. Damn tradi-
tions — especially those that do not exist.
And above all, let us not confuse them with insur-
ance regulations.
To look for a flock of traditions at this fine young
democratic institution of ours is as preposterous as to
expect wisdom teeth in the head of an infant-in-arms.
On Soup and Fish
Wisely and well, somebody eliminated flowers and
favors from the schedule of the fraternity formal. They
were too expensive. Undemocratic, too, someone said —
but that's another rtory.
Now the formal as formalled by our best fratties,
consists of three elements superimposed upon the informal,
namely: flowers, favors, and the dress suit. The dress
: uit remains.
Here in our native pastures, the dress suit, and eke
the "tux" — , is not the customary garb for evening wear,
as it is in some other communities. We dont seem to
run to that sort of thing. And yet, once or twice in a
year, we create for ourselves a situation to which dress
clothes are arbitrarily fitting.
Why doesn't Pan Hell, or whatever they call it, take
steps to eliminate the fraternity formal?
It's all so stupid.
On Seminars and Things
Why is a reserve shelf?
An Announcement
On March 27th, or thereabouts, Theta Sigma Phi.
woman's honorary journalistic fraternity, intends to or-
ganize, edit, and sell an issue of the Siren. It's been done
before, and awfully well, and one looks forward to that
issue with much interest. Women — as you'll find out be-
fore you're much older — have a sense of humor.
On Ourselves
Have you an opinion about this Siren thing?
Now and then word comes that Smith thinks the
Siren too highbrow, or that Schmidt deems it too slap-
stick, or that Jonps scornes Siren as immoral, or that
Miss Jones discerns a certain lack of "snap. " Word conies.
I say, but never directly.
If you happen to have an opinion of your own. it
might help matters to express it frankly in writing. Send
it to the "office" or to l''u/,zy's "Others Opinions" or slip
it under the editor's pillow while he sleeps. Naturally,
your opinion would b€ highly interesting and vital to the
Old Girl (I am beginning to dislike that term "old girl')
and might result in a long desired reform.
********
In Praise of a Contemporary
"In aimless wandering the other day one found him-
self in the excessively orderly Illio office, in converse with
Mr. Henry, editor. One was shown a deal of proof of
pictures planned for the big annual, and one admits that
lie was impressed. Truly and really, exceeding good taste
is being used in the Ulio this year, and one predicts that
it will be notably more than a Who's ^^'^lo for Blind
Daters.
***»»*»•
We View With Alarm
The Sophomore Cotillion has been duly viewed with
alarm. Father lUini has mourned properly over the little
slipups of the committee. The usual inve:tigation has had
the usual impressive and salutary outcome. It remains
that the Siren place a period on the lugubrious sentence,
sprinkle new sand on the gory arena, cotton up the
corpse's mouth, and call it a day. Thus:
Ya a-a-a-ah! They didn't even give the editor a pass.
Tiens. tiens! We forgot to spur the Illini thi ■ trip!
On a Recent Change
Morgan L. Fitch, formerly business manager of the
Siren, graduated last month, packed his grip, and left. He
laboreth now in the vineyard Chicago, and .... the
editor is now saving his pennies for a journey thence,
about the twenty-fifth instant, there to observe the cere-
mony which will place Morgan in the ever increasing
category of Sidekicks Who Married. We rejoice with him
and wi:h him well and assert that he is one of the most
top notch gentlemen and zippy managers that ever graced
a Siren staff. And under this amiable and accurate senti-
ment lies a deep pool of regret, for Morgan has been
a good friend and has done much for the Siren, and —
q.e.d. — he is going the way of seventy-three percent of the
editor's friends.
*********
Now — Le Roi est mort! Vive le Roi! With the same
fin. Siren welcomes her new manager, A. J. Nuckolls,
familiarly known by the aristocratic title of "Duke".
Duke is a keen young bu"iness man with curly hair.
He likes conversation, coca-cola, Sunday evening tea, —
and he sells a wicked ad. So, Dame Siren, swim on. 'Vour
water-wings will he kept inflated till June do us part.
[9J
JIREN
A Homely Discourse on the Woodshed
By Vernon Knait
Do I remember the old wood-^lied' All, will I
ever forget it? I have hut to dose my eyes aiul see
my dad crooking the second tingcr of his right hand
and bending it back and forth, for me to follow him.
Yes, and I can see him slowly turning the wooden
button of the battered door to the shed. Then my
eyes follow him as he enteis the structure and as
he pauses his arms akimljo, to choose his weapon
from the pile of tough hickory in the corner. Even
now, my head hangs down in shame, just as it did
when I dragged one foot slowly after the other into
my palace of inquisition in the wake of dad. And I
can hear the sparrows, perched on the rafters, laugh-
ing among themselves about the drama they are
about to witness. How I hated those grinning birds
at these moments. Too, I remember the spiders,
stretched languidly on their silken network. And
wished heartily I were a spider and free from these
unpleasant moments. And then — but why dally on
my introduction to the hickory? It as such a per-
sonal affair. A word on the results though hardly
less painful will be more pleasing in many ways. I
must hurry for the curtain of obscurity is blotting
OTit the last act in which I am eating my dinner
from off the mantle.
II.
Do I remember the old wood-shed? Ah, Will
I ever forget it? Jack Burrows — he was my nine
year old playmate — and I loved it with undying
affection. Each morning we ran down the little
stone path that led to our world of make-believe.
It wasn't a shed to us; it was hatever we cared to
make it. At times the musty, cob-webbed interior
was a battlefield on which we waged our battles.
Jack was an Indian and built forts of good old
hickory logs, I, an American, stormed the ramparts
with corn cobs and captured the bad red man.
Sometimes a stray cob woidd Iiit one of us in the
eye and we woidd cry — cry only as a boy can cry
— big wet tears that soon dried on a happy, dirty
face. On other days we were circus performers.
Eroni the dizzy heights of a hickory bar, four feet
from the flour, we plunged without fear into a pile
of tundijing corn cobs. How important we were.
The wiirld was ours — our wood-shed.
-S-
We feel sorry for the poor gink that ate so many
raisins, "little nuggets of food iron." — (Adv.,) that
he got rusty inside. I have heard that water if drunk
in to large a quantity would do the same thing
though.
S
Bill Gillette (no relation to the safety razor)
secretary to Vic Kranert, when asked what he
thought of the Turkish atrocities said he didn't
know, he liad never smoked any of them.
S ^
''A prohibitionist," says the office cockroach,
"is a guy that thinks what I drink is going to hurt
his stomach."
S —
Trinkled
By Larry
'•Delicious juice I Ze fount of pleasure I
I love the richness zat is thine.
And from ze grape of Flanders vineyards
Each crystal drop comes, sparkling, fine —
My friends, I am indeed a lover,
A connoisseur of old French wine."
Old Herrmann Fricnstein tliouf/lit il (/rdcionx
To laud a nation's drink so Mglt.
The Frenchman's toast toas all qidlc siiniilc.
And Hermann thought that he mUjht try
To laud, the Vaterland's fair l)cverafjc.
Thus with the Frenchman he did vie:
"Ach ! Good old Lager, mild und mellow ;
Id fills me full mit much good cheer.
Besides the hop fieldts flows de lihine by,
Gifing each dnqt a sveetness dear —
Mine friends, Icli bin indeed a Infer,
Ein common sew'r of Cherman beer."
Traditions
Add softest jobs : —
"Stoker for a fireless cooker"
Traffic cop in Tolona.
. The Three O'clock
[10]
HREN
The Musings of Morpheus Mudd
The Shortest Drama
Scene: On way to fodtljall game.
First Student: Have yon got yonr con|K>n liook
with yon?
Second Student : A. A.
S
ir you'd lain lie truly wise. Ite ([uiel : and jiliiloso-
phise.
(Hi emulate, my friends, my ))ose, as "ueilli my daisy-
plant I doze.
Now here's a thing I've tiniuglit about: wliy is it,
when a girl's iu dould
AI)out her next blind date or so, she looks \\\> last
year's Illio?
And why, whenever people find some object that's
been left behind.
Such as a broken down wliite m\ile. a hearse, a tub,
a milking stool,
A Christmas tree, a worn out still — oh where, T ask.
where lies the thrill
In leaving these, in mii'th ami glee, uiiou llic jiorch
of Alpha Xi?
I On Monday morn I like to cat a lofty, solid stack
of wheat;
It braces one where bracing's needed: and over-
work, thereby, 'simjjeded.
I will not graduate in -Inne: I co\ddii'l leave (his
spot so soon ;
1 started here in nineteen three: (lie scliool seems
(piite attached to me.
« $ -5' i:- -5 * {> -s ^■
Some years ago the peg-topped pant enswathed both
wise and ignorant ;
^ , , ,, ,, . ^, , . 1 1- +. Ami now, it seems, thev're back to stav — save that
Isadore ami hsmeralda, m the Inst delicate ■
.,,,,. ,, , • . .• 1 .1 . <i, ,. thev re on the other wav.
flush ot glornms youth, have just found that the\
have something in couiuion. Isadore .so far forgot
himself as to order first— a cool, sparkling coke he Vet e'en a philosoph like me liiids it impossii)le to
ordered; Esmeralda understood at once. Soon — as. see
reader, you may judge by the new look of wonder in Uow any self respecting guy can wear a Stretchan-
their large and e.\i)ressivc eyes, friendship might. Snap bow tie.
iii'nihi. mind you. ripen into love .... do you want
them all buckled'/
S
>^-'.\
I' "^-"'
A very frivolous flapper said she had such a
good lime over Thanksgiving that she was going to
■■^tav over Christmas.
[llj
J]S£N
The House That Jack Built
Hy a. ].. s.
f;^^
^^^^
This is the house that Jack built
I
This is the ring that Tom bought
for the girl that has promised to
live in the House that Tom built.
This is the house that Didv built
This is the ring that Jaclv bought
for the girl that has promised to
live in the House that Jack l)uilt.
This is the ring that Dick bought S
for the girl that has promised 1o This is the girl that has the ring
live in the House that Dick built. ^^'1^» '''''** pronnsed to live ni the
House that Tom built
This is the hou.se that Tom built
This is the girl that has the ring
who has promised to live in the
House that Jack built
This is the man wlio supplied the
materials to build the houses that
Jack, Dick and Tom built.
This is the man who sold the rings
to give to the girl that promised
to live in the Houses that Jack,
Dick and Tom built
This is the lather ol' I he girl who
has the rings and has promised to
live in the Houses that Jack, Dick
and Tom built
[12]
This is the husband of the girl
who has the rings and has prom-
ised to live in the Houses that
Jack, Dick and Tom built.
jniEN
The Naming of the Hen
Adaiii, ill tlie early part of his staj' in Edi-n, had tlio tasic of iiaiiiiiij; flic animals. In strollinf> 11iroii<;li
tlic delectable f^ardeiis one day, he saw an egs- He looked at it fixidly, and saw that it was a hen's cjjj;.
Seeing the creature that had laid the egg close hy, he obviously named that creature the Hen.
Glass Houses
I had to have a book about the Czar;
I sought it in the English Seminar:
Within the conlines of that musty place
A pair of tortoise goggles graced each face.
Below each thoughtful forehead two glass panes
Bore witness to the wearer's tj-pe of brains :
I chuckled : then remembered — I, poor trout,
Wore turtle shells myself.
I tiptoed out.
I sat within the College Cokerie,
Talking with friends of student gaucherie.
"But see" I said, "these fellows, rough and crass,
How boorish they all are, indeed ! What brass
Rings in their voices ! Well-a-day !
Young people had some manners in my day!"
I saw some friend. Head covered, with a shout.
I called "Hey, there!" ....
and tiptoed gently out.
In fact, whenever I do air my views,
I tumble into some poor sinners shoes;
Thereat my friends and foes do jibe and flout.
All I can do is blush,
and lipioc ftul.
[13]
JOKEN
A Villanelle of Yesterday
Evening
By Chas E. Noyes
Your ruby mouth is far too sweet —
I will not kiss your mouth tonight.
For I am young, I am effete.
With faded flowers we should greet
The gibbous moon's pale, gastly light.
Your ruby mouth is far too sweet.
Deep, pas-ionate roses may not meet
My cold desire, my calm delight,
For I am young, 1 am effete.
I would roam with winged feet
Where Dian sees the mystic rite;
Your ruby mouth is far too sweet.
In vain, in vain the passions beat
Against the moonlight, cold and white.
Your ruby mouth is far too sweet.
For I am young, I am effete.
s
The Changeling
Nouplussed Mother: That's no
child of mine!
S
Inquisitive Old Lady: "Now
tell me about your first success".
Wearied Young Author : "Well,
you see, madam, I was crossing
the ocean last summer and was a
contributor to the Atlantic''.
S
Ballfleur (gallantly) —"Have
you this dance'?"
Wallflower ( demurely ) —"Not
yet".
S
Old Beau : "Yes, dearest, I have
a million dollars but I'm sixty-
eight; do you think I'm too old
for you'?"
Deb.: "Not at nil; about ten
years too young".
from tfte
BoTieyard
Down restless eddies swirled
A mess of torn paper
And typewriter ribband
And this wraith,, who saith:
When I worked on the lllini
My name was
Agamemnon Fish, but now
They call me much, oh much,
More than Fish. You see
I wrote their criticisms.
(Somebody had to v/rite 'em)
When the auditorium
Resounded to sweet melody
I had to be there
Taking notes. But alas.
The Star Course arranged
A balailaika recital, and I
Took notes as usual.
The notes were printed.
Then: nine Russians, four
Hawaiieans, two Creations,
And five Music Schoolers
Wrote at length to
Other's Opinions. So
The Boneyard got me.
(What is a balailaika, anyhow?
[141
Those Changin' Blues
Gosh, I'm lonely, gee I'm blue
Haven't got a thing to do
Wish to Heaven I were dead
No more books to tire my head.
What'd you say, the telephone?
Tell the boob I'm not at home.
Wait a minute, guess I'll go
This you Jack'? Hello, hello!
Yes, I hear you. What'd you say?
oh, of course, whj' sure you may.
Uhni, I'd love to — half past eight-
Hot dog, girls, I've got a date!
The Dumb Bell.
S
Itch — "Why does a date with a
co-ed resemble a Ford?"
Scratch — "Because it's fierce
when she won't go and sometimes
fierce when she does".
S
We Quit With Us
(^^^OJUi^
1. Shall we dine at the Drake?
2. Oh, that would be just
ducky!
^S
"Someone's stolen a march on
us," wailed the salesgirl to the
nianager of the music dept.
S
"They tell me that the player
at the bat married for money".
"Yes; and its the best liomo he
ever stole, believe me".
JIREN
The Return of the Native
A Jazz Epic in Five Parts
She is Seen at
Bradleys
Tlicia: she chats —
Hia.lk'y Hall-
Weekly ball—
IO\ei' seen
Such a queen?
All the beaux
^^'ait ill rows.
(She stokes her
I-book with
A shovel. t
Idolizeil, prized,
Syiiiiiathized
AVith. Danced with
To a blister-
Ooooii I Mister!
Ah nie. what a game.
Life is. Oh!, her name?
Kffie Lou.
i^hut up. you're jealous
She Takes a Train
Where you (join,' Effie
Louf
I've a slough of things
to do —
Buy a hair-uet, one or two —
Buy a hair-net, one of two—
For I"m going home to stay
For the Christmas holiday.
Do i/ou love me, Effie Lou?
Silly boy! Of course I do!
Here's the pin I wear for you.
Sticking to my heart like glue.
Silly boy! Of course I do.
/ tmll miss you, Effie Lou.
Oh! and I will miss you too!
But two weeks are over soon;
Then again we'll watch the moon
Kise on Crystal Lake lagoon.
(Handsome is as handsome does)
When'd you say that formal was?
A'/x.\ me 'hye then, Eff'ie Lou.
A\'hat a .shocking thing to do!
(Then the Big Four whistle blew.)
She Resumes Gingham
J>owii in Oingliaiii, Illinois,
Flanked by several local boys,
1
Paw awaits the midnight train.
(Effie's coming home again.)
Christmas morning, bright and
early,
Maw remarked, ''Whj-, bless the
girlie,
Let her sleep, Paw, if she wishes ;
I'll red up the breakfast dishes."
Christmas night the neighbors
caU.
Effie entertains them all.
••Play •Ben Bolt' again,'' they saj'.
The cottage organ whines away.
On the horse-hair sofy sat
Arthur John, who nursed his hat.
Over by the album stood
Grampa Joliann Jacol) (Jude.
But to Lou, conflicting forces
Were as tame as wooden horses.
Sweetly sim])le when with Maw,
Simply sweet when she's witli
Paw,
Divinely kind with Artlnir Jolin -
So llie liolidays wear on.
nr.i
She Takes a Train
I'lltr:
Here's your money;
Make it last!
.Uuir:
wear "em, oney,
Summer's past.
(Innn/ui :
U'hen I was young
That's all we wore.
Ain'd that dum" train
Due at four?
Arthur John :
10 llie Lou,
I'll miss you.
You'll be true'
Effie Lou: (absently)
Silly boy.
Of course I do.
See — your pin —
I mean your ring.
I'll be true as
Anj'thing.
All:
Elfie, Effie, Effie Lou—
Then the Bifj Four
Whistle blew.
She is Seen at Bradleys
There she chats. Bi-adley Hall.
January. Weekly ball.
Dressed up boys. Sailor pants.
Flock around bef(u-e each dance.
There she dances.
Effie IjOU,
Do you love me, Effie Lou?
silly boy, of course I do.'
The Front Row in Arcady
"Class, hereafter vim will take seats l)y alplialictical arrangement.
You have liecii arianjied al|ilr.iheautifiilly c|iiit(' long enough I''
^
^
^
Hysteria Romantistica
She east herself upon the lounge and wept.
Bitter tears eiept preoipitatingly from her juicy
eyes. As they made their way down her rosy cheeks
and into her mouth she decided that they were
even more hitter than usual. A little too salty per-
haps; she"d have to see her occulist about it.
With her dainty handkerchief she dabbed futily
at the torrent. John had wondered where all the
tahleclothes weut. ISTow he knew.
John paced up and down the room. To the
casual observer, he appeared to be walking, but she
knew that he was pacing. He did it often. He
reached the wall and found he could pace no further.
Consequeutly he turned, showing the rare horse
sense that John embodied. I am sure it was horse
sense because John was like a horse. You could
drive him to water but yon couldn't make liim drink
it.
He blew his rubicund nose profoundly.
"Darling," he grasped, his voice choked with
commotion, "let me sliow my love for j'ou. Put me to
the test I implore you. Y'ou can trust me. You
know that you can trust me, what is it that is
tearing at your heart?"
In the meantime she was tearing her hair. John
slipped and tore his trousers. They were on quite
a tear.
He came closer.
"Cease, I beg of you," he implored, dropping to
his knees, "let me do something to stop your weep-
ing."
"John," she gushed, dropping another mouth-
ful of tears, "if I only thought that you could."
"You can trust me," said the escaped convict
again.
"Th-th-then John, see if you can fill this pre-
scription."
—A. L. STRAUS
[16]
JIREN
Hiawatha's Lesson
By Sam"!.. I'lon.Kss
l)a\vii it was and from tlie conifiekls
By the swiftly flowing Boneyard,
Trudged the mighty Hiawatha
leaden with the hooks of learning.
From the region of the gas-house,
\\'liere the sky is ever murky,
Slione resplendant in the heavens
.Mighty Sol, the flaming beacon:
(Beacon says the hard, not haconj,
Sending down his warming radiance
On the pumpkins and the squashes
Aye upon the limbs of pippins
A^'llo, to eight o'clocks were wending
(iummy eyed, with hair unparted;
And the mighty Hiawatha
Slowly from the corn fields trudging.
Saw the damsels all be-laden
And his heart in anguish smote him.
For they too, though weak and weary
From the heavy toil of dancing.
From the moil of heavy studies
With the Phi Gams and the Betas,
Were encumbered with the volumes
Wherein Freud and Smith disported
For the benefit of children ;
And aloud cried Hiawatha,
Wailing at the age of cavedom
When the pale faced squaws would stagger
Under burdens which the men folk
Should be fetching at their pleasure;
And bemoaning so he entered
Into all his sundry classes.
^\■hen the eve'n shades were falling
Came the learned Hiawatha
Out from musty paths of learning
And again to realms of living;
Twinkled now llic arc liglifs radiance
<Jiiit(' disjilacing the old sun god
Save in certain darkened corners
Where a desultory snigger
Told the l)i-a\c lliat man and niaidcii
\\'ere foregathered there for necking
Far from Shorty Fay and trouble;
And in awe stood Hiawatha
For he saw the comely maidens
\\itli their braxcs u|toii their elbows
Starting for the paths of pleasure;
And behold they were not laden
As before he had beheld them,
For each gallant for his lady
Staggered under diverse bundles
'Which contained their I'onge and powder-
Tlius they wended down the highwavs.
Then upsjiake the noi)le warrior,
"Sooth and I was quite mistaken,
Homance has not yet departed,
(ientlemen ai-e not extinct yet;
But I learn l)y careful watching
Tiiat the time of gentle actions
Is hut limited to niiihtfall."
Tims sjjake gentle Hiawatha
As he vanished in the cornfield
And an echo fluttered to us
Minnie, ah! where are you Minnie?
And the echo answered
Ha! Ha!
-^
ri7i
HREN
Doubt
By O. D. B.
Halt'-sighs and stifled kis"
Faint perfumes — swish of lace
Grave lad and laughing miss —
A dimlit, smiling face ....
The smile — half-sad, half-weary
Gives memory and stirs
My heart to troubled query!
Your fare, or his, or hers?
s
"My good man, you bad better
take the trolley car home."
"Sh' no ushe ! My wife wouldn't
let me -hic-keep it in th' houshe."
S
He — "Don't go. You're leaving
me entirely without reason."
She — "I always leave things as
I find them.'" — Punch Bowl.
A Day
By Charles E. Noyes
Buildings
I'liiversity Hall —
Stajuling disrcpu table.
Old, sliaky and very ugly.
With tire escapes ciawliiig
Along its sides.
Tlie Chem building —
Kooms of liorrible stenclics.
Stewing acids and alkalies,
Must.
And wise i)rofessors
Showing fresliman girls
How to bend glass.
Tlie Auditorium —
A slaty dome,
Raising itself into
A grudging sky.
Room of concerts,
I'lays, dances, classes,
Soiuetiiing to bo called
AniiLsement.
Classes
A complacent instructor
Drawling jdatitudes
And dispensing semi-worthless
Information
To a sleepy and
Unappreciative
Audience,
Of flappers, tortoise-shells.
And bandoline.
The Bell
After minutes of restless move-
ment,
(iathering togetiier of books,
Talking, and shuttling of feet,
A sudden stampede
Leaves the irritated professor
In the middle of a sentence.
Board Walk
Innumerable galoshes.
Passing and re-passing.
Between Uni-Hall
And Lincoln Hall.
Hurrj'ing ycning men
Stepping iu between coeds
And instructors.
Like fast roadsters
Dodging traffic
On Michiu;an Boulevard.
Confectionery
All talking in
One vast river of
Slush.
Couples on dates,
AVise ones to the seminars.
Social ones to the Lib ;
It is after 3 .-OO o'clock.
And we can walk
On the grass.
I
Now is the gladsome limf. for the Taka Bitn Pi boys to wax joyous (they'll be glad to wax anything beside the
floor) Tobias Green has received an invitation to a dance. It promises to be a hot affair so Toby must to the inner
circles ot brotherhood in search of gay apparel. Nothing bars the way. The search proves exciting. Gladsome finery
put away these many long years of Taka Bita Pi's obscurity, is beginning to come to light.
[18]
HKEM
•Just Enough Turkish"
S
A lu'illiaut smile on .liiiiiny
Beau's face
Vacation's ovcm- now.
"Open for l)nsiiiess' — oh great re-
lief!
-8
Frowsy Shopper : — "'Ave yer a
match fer this 1 douse'?""
Haughty Salesgirl : — "Yes — and
I "11 give you some kerosene too.
S
Joe hollered '-Look out thar
Lizette, don't swaller that knife —
You'll break maw's set."
S-
Practice makes perfect thirty-
sixes.
THE KID SA YS
After these exams he feels
like crawling into bed and put-
ting up a sign "Don't Open Till
Next Christmas."
If anyone wants a nice glass of
icewater. just drain rme out ul"
his radiator.
Xo one knows which is the hoi or
cold water in the bathroom on ac-
count of the icicles on the faucet.
He heard that authors get paid
liy the words. If he ever writes a
story he's gonna have a character
that s-s-stut-t-ters.
The law classes had their pic-
tures takeu. That's a case of safe-
ty first. Getting them into the
rogues gallery ahead of time.
S
"It's a wonderful place to
dance, all mirrors.""
''Well they're the only thing
that"ll double the size of a room
without doubling the i-ent."
"Not any more. They'll give
you something to drink that"ll
triple it."
S
Don't you like to see yourself
in print.
Sure dont I always wear calico.
To A Cat
Thou ugly, nii.sshapen. four-leg-
ged thing.
The kind that is wont us bad luck
for to bring,
Sitting complacently there by the
side
Of your pantry so battered and
tinny and wide:
When eight of your lives .irc
things of the past,
Avoid me. Cat, avoid me.
I hate cats.
— Tlie Clown.
1 never cross my knees in the
street car.
Neither do ,1 it"s getting too
cold to roll "em.
About the halls goes our hero, annexing all he can lay hands to — the occasion demands all Taka Bites sacrifice
for the good of the old "frat." Besides, no one else is going anywhere-. At last the miracle has been accomplished.
Tobias is ready to step forth. A last dab to the perfect toilette — presto. Then — being human Toby takes one last slant
at the invitation to be sure it said 9:30 and not 10:30, and finds — Ye, Gods! that the invitation was delayed in the
mails six weeks.
MORAL: Never mind locking the barn — just kill the horse.
[191
JIREN
Editor's Note: This page, con-
ducfrd hy 0. D. Burfje, editor of
the Illinois Mayazinc, is devoted
to the darker side of the Seven
Arts.
Prologue
Being de-irous of determining the
state of Culture in our duplex cities
we went about town. We went to the
more popular theatres, then stopped.
Reasons to follow.
The Drama
We sojourned at one of the most
prosperous play houses of them all,
and went away with a slight attack of
intellectual biliousness. Our impre--
sions were somewhat chaotic. Among
them were huge biceps, imitation
Italian patois, vari-colored unmention-
ables of costumers satin, songs about
hash, darkies, and traveling salesmen,
a Jewish comedienne, a dog with an
un-pedigreed shake, the first chorus
girl that we thought we'd like to meet,
vacant-faced boys dancing in a meth-
odical way, Japanese music written
by Irving Berlin, awful verse, and a
monologist of questionable sobriety.
What puzzles us Is, how long will it
lart. The show house in question has
the stock advertisement that its en-
tertainment is polite and refined (what
a good American word). And that is
an insult to the citizen at large, for
it is to be doubted if the ordinary man
is still such raw material that he
will accept what is offered, wholly and
with a free conscience. No mission-
ary of truth is speaking, but it causes
wonder as to why a university client-
ele can not endure anything better,
or at least saner.
A Few Arpeggios
A trained kangaroo has no claim to
superiority over the moving picture
orchestra. It is a wild and awful thing
of wonder. The array of music and
noise that it can produce in an hour's
time is wonderful. What time it has
started a Russian dance pleasing to
the ear, the leader taps smartly with
his bow — the baton has evidently
passed •out of existence, for it seems
more swagger to jerk the rhythm out
of a bow — and there is the horrible
din of Stars and Stripes Forever. As
a noise-malcer, that hackneyed march
has no equal, and it is the nightmare
of the soldier. And then without warn-
ing there is much sawing of fiddle
strings and braying of the trumpet,
for the hero and the villian are fight-
ing for the love of little Bess, the
boilermaker. This particular caco-
phony is known as the "Mysterious
Furioso," and after the audience has
finished applauding the fight the con-
ductor turns around and bows in an
absent-minded sort of way. And so
on. The only answer that can be seen
for the orchestra is that it is put
there to prevent the audience from
good solid sleep. Why do not some
energetic ladies start a league, (I am
sure that there is still room for at
least one more), for the Improvement
of Cinema Music?
Chiaroscuro
A picture dealer was showing a
gent (not a gentleman) some water
colors. Turning to one, he said with
a certain pride: "That is a Turner."
Whereat the gent inquired: "Wlien
does it turn?" This is not a joke.
No, a sad fact.
A Dry Point
Thrcugh the kind offices of one of
our mi)re generous cronies, we have
been enjoying Joseph Fennel's
"Graph .c Arts." The old gentleman is
quite a chipper person, and his dry
wit has something of the smack of
Whistler. One wonders whether it is
not directly modelled after that fam-
ous painter and etcher. He has de-
cided opinions, as have all artists, on
many things and people. He has a
decided opinion concerning our zeal-
ous modern day reformers. He is
speaking of a Dutch etcher of the
seventeenth century. Says he: "Then
there was Hollar too who preserved
much the Puritans destroyed in arch-
itecture and costume. Who is really
doing anything to preserve our cus-
toms destroyed by hypocrites, prohi-
bitionists, and business men?" Again
he is speaking of an old type of etch-
ing press. "With the old-fashioned
press you were forced to climb up
and down on it. It was a very inter-
esting performance. It was far better
[201
exercise than golf, and more amusing,
and with more beneficial results."
Again he is speaking of a portrait of
George Bernard Shaw, and remarks
about the man: "It is better looking
than Shaw is now, and it is a rather
good design by Rothenstein. I won-
der that Shaw has not taken to litho-
graphy himself. He ha'5 tried every-
thing, and succeded In a few things,
especially advertising." The book is
an interesting one, and there is much
good that the layman may derive from
it, including a deal of harmless know-
ledge about art.
Puppets on a String
Some gentleman, whose name I for-
get, has written a highly compliment-
ary book on Tony Sarg's marionettes.
It would seem that tliey have made a
decided hit in London, where their
originator has been living. He ha",
in a way, carried out an idea that
Maeterlinck expressed a great many
years ago, namely, that plays should
be read to the action of puppets, for
words hinder action. It might be in-
teresting to see the "Death of Tintag-
iles" produced by Tony and his dolls.
Operatic High Explosive
Gilda Varesi, formerly an actress of
little renown, and Dolly Byrne, wife
of the creator of that mo^t heady
book, "Messer Marco Polo," have made
a play. It is not a great play, but
Gilda Varesi has made a wonderful
part for herself. Italian as she is, she
has the role of an Italian singer of
great fame. And true to tradition she
is temperamental within the bounds
of unreasonableness. She has a hus-
band who draws the line at carrying
her lapdog and being just her hus-
band. Things are at a rather tick-
lish state, between him and the lady
on the floor below, "Enter Madame,"
a lightning divorce, and then an elope-
ment to South America, to give the
play the requisite happy ending. It is
going to have a great success, or for
that matter, it already has.
Pretty Lady
We overheard one of the boys talk-
ing the other evening. I don't know
the lady, but I am sure she will en-
joy the flattery. It went something
JIREN
like this: "Gee, but she was a nasty-
looltiiig elanie! Had on some swell
rags, too!"
Lament
There was a young mau once, and
he died an heroic death. Because he
had left a volume of poetry, singing
of youtli, and its desires and dreams
and powers, he was rai:ed, for a brief
time, to the skies. Since then, how-
ever, he has again sunk to the some-
what distant horizon. Was all this
mere transitory hero-worship? Has he
fallen to the level of mere classroom
discu'-sion, or has he descended
farther? 1 wonder.
Lyrics and Laughter
This is the American age of Reviv-
als. Not the village exhortations to
reform and quit pinochle, but the re-
surection of past favorites. The list
is long, and as near as I remember,
"Floradora" started the whole thing.
We are to be favored with another of
the species in the person of the "Mer-
ry Widow." In its day, it was a howl-
ing success, without any aspersions
toward its singers. Before long we
are to be favored with a new version
of the play. Henry W. Savage has
fostered it, and if it is up to the
usual Savage standards, there will be
very good rcenery, more than average
pretty girls, and pleasant singers.
Everybody will be happy, and will ap-
plaud the singers, which will incite
them to better work, and the box
office men will smile in a satisfied
fashion, and tlie "boys" will sit around
the tire nad decide which one of the
chorus was the best looker. And may-
be Mr. Savage will revive something
el-e as nicely.
It has been suggested for the con-
venience of the disciplinary forces that
each man, upon entering, bo allowed
to cliose a single vice, to be pursued
during the next four years at his dis-
cretion. It would at least be a con-
venience for the man, for he would
not have to wory as to what his
offense might have been, thereby in-
suring a re tful night before the or-
deal.
The Week's Reading
Recommended: One laundry list;
the letter from home; an Orpheum
program; a Mosi-Over menu; one bask-
et-ball placard; Baird's Manual; Sat-
urday Evening Po-t; Bedtime Stories:
How To Study; an occasional text-
l)ook; The Scout; last and conceiv-
ably least, The Siren, of which I do
not approve, althougli 1 do write for
it,
S
Essay on Luck
oil, winter came with its sultry
Itroeze and found me here in my
B. V. D.s,
Xow summer comes with its heat
and burning'.
In dad's red fhmnels I'm sojourn-
ing.
S
Visitor — ''Does Mr. Crawford,
a student, live here?"
Landlady— "Well, Mr. Craw-
ford lives here, but I thought he
was a night watchman".
ill, „,, ,„ „„ „ ^4« nJtu^UII :IU 111 1111 nil ,1
THE ILLINI LINE
I liad ail awl'iillv nice lime.
Call me U]) some liiiic.
I')ii sorry Iml I'm datcij ii{i iiiilil
April.
1 don't mind. Uradley is Just as
good as College.
I don't care iiiiicli alioiil foiiuals
anyway.
I'll take a mall willi a lloal.
I've heard so iiiiirli about you I'm
just wild to me(;t you.
AVliy can't I have hair like tiial.
I think your frateriuty gives tlie
best dances on the campus.
I never allow anyone to jml liis
arm around me.
You're the I'ii-sf man I cni'i- kissed.
-S-
C. R. Prentiss
BAKER
Pennant Bread
1
I I
I i
1 I
! I
! I
! I
! i
! I
So glad you did.
I'll call you u|) some time.
•>
I think she's a wonderful girl.
She's all for me.
She's awfully nice but . . .
How's chances on a smoke.
I'm fresh out.
I'll pay you on the fifteenth.
It isn't the money it's the [irinci-
ple of the thing.
S
"AVere you ever pinched for go-
ing too fast'?"
"No, but I've been slapped."
I
I 47 Main Street
CJarlield ll^KI
We Have Everything
that a Good Drug Store
Should Have
Main 134
University Pharmacy
FRED J. PRISON 705 S. Goodwin
AiHi^— mi
■ u«{»' «X|Lni.^(iii
[211
JIREN
+,, —
III III! MM |||«}t 11(11 III : Ill nil nil
I I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
Remember Hei'
on
Valentine's Day
with
Schuler
Bros.
Homemade
Candies
MAIN STREET
CHAMPAIGN
A full line of Whitman's,
Poss' and Morse's Special
box candies
The Hi))HC of the Faitious Bo.stoii
1 I
1 I
Joe
and
Tracy
I I
! I
! I
I I
! I
1 I
I 1
! I
I I
BARBERS
MRIGHT
STREET
NEAR
THE
POSTOFFICE
i 1
I I
1 I
♦ .g. ,. ^^ l__„l — Nll-^llll^— 111^— Mll^— IIU^— II
Kodaks
Now at Pre-War
Prices
Buy a Kodak and keep
a Picture reminder of
Yunr (iooil Times.
Film brought to us "before
8:30 is ready at 4:00 p.m.
Strauch's
Tlie Home of Good Kodak
Finishing
625 So. Wright
It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly
KELLY-SPRINGFIELD products at present
prices represent the biggest values ever
offered to the tire-buying public. The qual-
ity is better than ever; only unusual manu-
facturing conditions have made the low-
ered price ' possible.
CHURCHILL, BENGSTON & MILLER
ITRBANA. ILL.
1
I
I
■4 4,
[22]
VAUGHN
SHOP /or MEN
It's worth a trip down -town to
see these distinctive
HATS
SHIRTS
TIES
in fact
EVERYTHING FOR MEN
I
I
lUREN
Purity
Bread
Ask Your (Jrocer
We make it RIGHT
and deliver it
ON TIME
Phone us that party
order and we'll all be
pleased.
Berryman Bakery
213 South Neil
— — .*.
Young Liuly ( who luul just bei-ii
oiK'i-aleil on for ;ii>i)fii(licitis i : —
"Oil, doctor Do you think tlu'
scar will show?"
Doctor: — "It ought iu)t to".
—The Li/n.
S
•■And now", saiil the long-wind
cd speaker as he was concluding a
lengthy tedious speech, "as Lady
(xodiva renuirked when slie wa.s
returning I'roin her ride, 'I am
drawing lu'iir my clothes"." — TUjcr
S—
Pest — "You're charining. do
you know it?"
She — "I"m sorry 1 can't say the
same of you".
P.— "Oh, that's all right: One
of us may as well be truthful"'.
— Punch Howl.
S
Kitty — ''Days on which I have
a date I eat scarcely a thing".
Katty — "How well you're look-
ing I"" — Ohio Sini Dial.
+•■
I
I
I
I
I
■+
i
Original
Clever
and
Beautiful
Valentines
Call ill and e.xaiMiiu' ihc
complete as.sortment
we have on display
I
I
I
Strauch's
The Art and Gift Shop
- +
I
I
Commercial Typing
Stenography
Mailing Lists
Multigraphing
Printing
Engraving
Programs .
ii A yy
Do you want an "A
Start the New Semester Right!
Have Your Themes, Theses, Term
Papers and Notes Typed
NO TKOIHLI-:
NO MISTAKES
xo i:kasikes
I.oW COST
siioirr xoTici': wokk
("ouui:(Tm:ss
neatness
15V IIOli; OK Tllol SAM)
The COMMERCIAL SERVICE CO.
Xo. 17 Taylor Street W. V. FAfLKNER. Mgr.
BEHIND GEHRIG'S
[23]
SIREN
The
Difference
Between good Pi-iuting
and bad Printing is a
matter of only a few dol-
lars in its manufacture;
but in its comparative re-
sults thei'e is an inestim-
able difference in value.
stationery. Dance Pro-
grams, Tickets and all
kinds of Commercial
Printing.
I
Desks. Chairs and Fil-
ing Cabinets, Office out-
fits.
Pease Print Shop
22 Main St. Garfield 2246
CHAMPAIGN
I
I
•4
Hifihbrow : "I j^
l.athe."
Lowbrow: "Alrigbt, then I'll
ji<> liftli. — lufifjlcr.
— S ■ —
A man named Du Bose met a girl
Vt'\m lisped thro' her teeth of pure
pearl.
"I'll hug you or kiss you", he
swore with an oath.
She cried with surprise, "Oli. Mr.
l>ii Roth".— T/.^rr.
S
Sentimental Damsel (on tour
of the campus, stopped before a
gigantic tree) : ''Oh wonderful
elm, if you could speak, what
would you say to nie?"
Senior Forester (accompanying
her) : ''It would probably say
•Pardon me, but I am an oak' ".
—Froth (Penn. State).
"One way she's like an umpire,
— My wife is," said Bill prout;
"She never will believe that I
am safe when I am out".
fori Ii to t *
The Coffee
that made "Sam"
famous
Whistle
Inn
TRY OUR
AFTER LIBRARY
LUNCHES
Tiy our Stigar Waffles and
Doughnuts
Across from the
Cheni Building
U. of L SUPPLY STORE-Qn the Square
Books
Books for All Courses
Books for All Tastes
Magazines
rwe try to fit pen to fist in such a manner that it cooper-"!
|_ates with the writer instead of ruining his style and temper J
Stationery
Supplies — all these at
U. of I. Supply Store
ON THE SQUARE
[24]
JIREN
I
Orteii
Tta
I
Our seating capacity of 200 allows
many of you to be our guests
GREEN TEA POT
Conducted for Men and Women of Discriminatinj* Taste
LUNCH AFTERNOON DINNER
Private Rooms for Banquets and Parties
We Cater to Those Who Care
I
■+
Policeman (to disturbing ban-
joist) : "Young man, vou must
accompany me — "
He : "Awiight, off islier, wiiat'll
ya shing?" — Juggler. —
S
Ann : "Have you stopped smok-
ing?"
Van : ''Yes, I had to. A fellow
can't get a good cigar on the cam-
pus any more. It is too muddy.
— Cluiparral.
S —
Jakey : "1 took Rachel by de
te-ater last night and we almost
Iiad a taxicle ride home".
Ikej*: "Ay? Vat happened?"
Jakey: "Veil, I matched de
drifer first for veder ve should pay
him double fare or nodding. He
von, so we had to valk"
—Lord Jeff.
Stenographer: "Howdja spell
•sence?"
Employer: "Dollars and cents,
or horse sense?"
Stenographer: "Well, like in 'I
ain't seen him sence.' " — Wag Jag.
S
Co-educated One: Said she in-
gratiatingly, as she removed her
heavily-horned eye-glasses and
slowly wound the black ribbon
al)()nt her linger the better to give
the waitress the benefit of an ap-
pealing look which she sent across
the top of the half-emptied Coca-
Cola glass with its bent and twist
ed straw, "My sucker's broke".
Understanding Waitress: "I'm
sorry. Ma'am, but our terms are
cash"'. — Chaparral.
S •
He is a poor financer who banks
on women.
She: "Stop this moment or I'll
get out and walk''.
He: "But, Mary—"
She: "Aren't you ashamed of
yourself and after I've known you
.so long too".
He: "But—"
She: "You needn't explain,
you're not a gentleman".
He: "But, Mary this darned
horse won't go unless I whip
him." — lianfcr.
last
She: "I can't marry you I
He: "Why not?"
She: "I was married
week".
He: (Breathing a sigh of re-
lief). "Is that the only reason?
I was afraid you didn't love me I"
— Pelican.
-*
I
S
I
8 Main Street, Champaign
Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1
WHOLESALE
I
Smith & Picard
Meats Brought from the Farm to You Direct
HOME KILLED MEATS. POULTRY. PORK
AND LARD
"Champaign's Cleanest Market"
r25i
RETAIL
MEm
-I lioDie i-t not a iKiutic cijmiitvtc
I'lilil it has il.s slinre of heat.
— from the iirorerlis uf Mr. Quick
IF your radiator is not com-
ing througli with its full
(juota of heat call us in on
the job and we'll make it
warm for vim.
L. W. Apperson
URBANA
Main 906 120 S. Race St.
— 'Ill >ii^— 111,^— 111— iiii^— in;.^im — Mi(_p,ii^_iiii^_uii^— .i«J»
Take Distance !
"I wouldn't trust any man as
far as the end of my nose."
"That's too far to trust any
man."
"Too near, you mean!"
— London Mail.
S
( >ld— '-AA'liat's that c 1 i n U i n g
noise I liear in that basket T'
Soak— "A bottle of ink and lialf
dnzeii glass eyes, honest to (lod!"
— Frivol.
S
"Mother I I learned that our
Snndaysciiool teaclier iloesn'l
take baths."
"Johnny! ^A'hat do you mean"^"
'She said tliat she never did
aiiylhing in pi-ivate that she
wouhln't do in i)ublic." — Garfjoijir
S
I want my |>ictnre taken.
Full face'.'
Xo, lialf back.
I
= — a^
Corona
The Personal Writing Machine
THAT'S how easy it is to
pay for Corona, the
little 6' 2-pound typewriter
you can fold up, take with
you, write with anywhere.
Phone U3 today for a free
demonstration.
R. C. WHITE & CO.
612 E. Green
»-+
'Milk- Fed" Poultry
There is a difference in
our Milk-fed Poultry
1
HOTELS CAr£S
P(fi(fS^ CARS
FC?ATERfS(T(£S
51 ehester Street
^4M^ Tl^l
r-%/*vlM 305
PACKER 6F
•\^^/- GAR 1S36
l-I.PAUL TICK MGR.
nCAT 5P££(ALT(£S
C(-)££SE
Qh&mpi>~\6n 111.
t^ — un— i
[261
JIKEM
A Rose, By Another Name
(News Item: Stanislaus Zbyszko wins title. His
hrother Wladek Zbyszko is also a prominent
wrestler.)
ir Till called uii to stand in tlie liiiu'ii};lil.
^^■|lere the public siiall hear of my name,
ril change mine, and get one tliat sounds riglit,
That reporters won't mangle and maim.
It's tough to be wrestling champion, • ■
As our friend Stanislaus X. Zi)yszk(>,
Then have all the papers nns-spell it,
And have the crowds yell lt)r Nal)isc(i.
Hut still, there's a danger in changing
To others, as Green, Jones, or Roth,
For people think Omars a cigarette,
And that Sniitli is the cure for a cough.
S ,
Virtue may be its own reward — but the Chicago
woman who recently lost a purse containing |5(j,()(t()
must have made sound resolutions never to let it
haii(ien again — when she paid the honest finder a
$1."> reward.
■ S
Personally we feel — the odds are slightly against
the discovery of another as honest a maji.
The Best Satire
of the
SIREN
USED TO BE TOO IMPO-
TENT TO DESCRIBE STU-
DENT CAPES. NOT SAT-
gg^j- IRE, BUT APPLAUSE, IS
I-IPVP ^^'^ ^^^ HEAR NOW.
once
a
week
— especially Sunday noon.
TWIN CITY 9
Cafe Number Lj
No. 1, 309 N. Neil
[27]
You've done it your-
self—sometimes.
Over the pond v^ith
your iron, and to the
green! A lucky strike
for you.
LUCKY /
STRIKE/
When we discovered the toast-
ing process six years ago, it -was a
Lucky Strike for us.
Why? Because now millions of
smokers prefer the special flavor of
the Lucky Strike Cigarette— because*
it's toasted.
* — which seals in the
delicious Burlev flavor
And also because it's guaran- i
teed by
SmEN
"■"+
READ!
With the Aid of Right
Lighting !
Arithmetic, grammar and
spelling — tough propositions
for children. Yet, like the
help of an older mind, right
lighting can do its part to
make them easier. Won't you
let us help solve your lighting
problem?
CHANDLER
ELECTRIC
SHOP
107 W. Main St.
+.-
Univer.sity_; ^
-+
T. M. Bacon
& Sons
Solomon Gruiidj' —
Arrived on Monday —
Ecgistert'd on Tuesday —
Examined on A^'ediie.sday —
Flunked on Thursday —
r>i'unk on Friday —
Fired on Saturday —
0:15 left on Sunday as usual-
And that was all
Of Solomon Grundv.--H.H.
WHOLESALE
RETAIL
Paints
Glass
Wall Paper
Champaign
-+
When You Graduate
PROM this
GREAT old University,
YOU take home
A lot of memories
OP college Ufe
THAT you never lose
THEY are mostly about
PEOPLE and PLACES.
At Homecoming, it's a pleasure
To renew these associations.
MOST students will
REMEMBER one place
THAT is so fine—
IT'S unforge table :—
WHERE a lot of
GOOD things are kept:
Sandwiches, salads,
Chili, Candy
All Confections, including
ESKIMO PIE.
That's Prehn & Henningsen.
I
•I-
^ „_. . .— . .. ._„ ._. ._„_._„4.
Music Every Sunday Evening — Watch for Specials Posted in the Booths
[28]
I
I
jnscN
+ ^
Your Account
Will Be Welcome
At This Bank
No red tape and no charges
for opening an account
with us
First State Bank
URBANA
+ . .
"1 lic;ir lluit iliiylx'lk' nearly
(Irt)wiK'il tiie otlier day".
"Vt's, tlie button i-ainu oil lit-r
swinunin^ suit and no one darad
to save her". — I'elkan.
S
l{is(|iu' I'o-cd : "To tliiiiU thai
we arc (o be iii-evcnlcd I'l-oni
i-oiijijin'; oni- knees!"
Consei'vative : "Hut we ean
still rouge our faces".
Kis(iuo Co-ed: "True, but who
looks at our faces?" — I'riican.
^— S — —
He: \\'oniaM is loveliest in her
thirties.
She: Tliank — 1 mean, do you
lliink so? — J'urplc Cow.
S
^'oice — "Hello, is this the
weather bureau?"
"Uh huh."
A'oice — "How about a shower
this afternoon?"
"I dunno. If you need one take
it." — Mri/iun lirctj.
When
Rider's Pen Shop
moved to
612 East Green St.
they took that
Quick Repair Service
with them, also a good
stock of that ink that
won't clog the pen
"RIDER for PENS"
PENS
PENCILS
i.uosi-;le.\f note hooks
.WI) .^CCESSOIilES
'I'he latest in folding portable
tyiiewritprs.
612 E. Green St.
I
DICK MINER
Plumbing and Heating Contractor
IDEAL HEATING
BOILERS
I'lione .Main ."ilil
:i;i West .Main Street
URBANA. ILLINOIS
*,_.
[29]
I
I
I
i
.04,
Their Quality has wiped out
price aistincHon in cigarettes
You cant hel p but [ike them!
TAey are DIFFERENT -Ti^ey are GOOD
JIfiEN
Chaos
"Comic liillicr doj;." \:i W'-.iu 'rami roared.
••]v\iilaim'(l tliis loud han/.ai.
Tliat distui'lK's (lie licaxcidv (iiiici
W'itlioiit my aiict'stral iiajjoda."
Speak oliild of the stars.
Before 1 remove the seal of your cerehellimi."
"Oh. most worthy moon," cries the hapless slave,
"Forgive this one trespass, oh most royal elephant.
It is naught save a lovely geisha maid
M'ho snakes the military, there witliout."
"Without what!" howls the mandaiiii.
"Speak for your widows sake."
"WITHOUT THE GARDEN WALLS, my lord,"
Replies the cringing snake.
A '25.
S
I'l'trarch made some comment on fame his
words have .slii)ped the writer's memory, hut their
jMirport was that fame is only a momentary thing,
inconseipiental. Yet Petrarch sought fame with an
eagerness that has seldom been surpassed.
How undergraduate the Italian bard was.
STYLED
FOR.
YOVKG 'ME'H
FKATURE SOFT HAT
- a smart young man's
Stetson with a medium
flare.and binding- Lined
attractively in various
shades of satin.
STETSON HATS
JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphia
/
As ''Miss Siren''
Might Say-
"This duty of selecting clothing is
one of the drab trivialities that
harass the human soul."
But who can escape it?
Answer: A great chorus of silence.
Men fine!
Shopping
Easy Here
Gehins
t/ CLOTHES SHOP
510 EAST GREEN STREET
Cafeteria
610 East Green St.
Popular Prices
I
-+
■•■+
[311
miEN
+ „
TO A LOCUST
upon ;i imiiilc d;iisy lokiist.
Facing the sun nnldinkinji.
A little iiielaiiclioly foc-u.st
Sal thinking, thinking, thinking.
He said, "No bard has ever sung
Aliont nie in his verse;
I've never lieaid my praises rung
In other than a curse.
They rave and rave aixiut a bird.
And bees, and tish, and flowers.
But never a word I've ever heard.
On me, from rythmic bowers."
So when I heard this drear lanienl.
(His name wont rhyme \hwv bxaistl
I sal me down with cool intent :
And idaced jiini on a toknst.
A '25.
« 4.
ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY
PRINTERS AND PUBLISHERS
[32]
What Is a Vacuum Furnace?
IX an oidinaiy fuinace materials burn or comliine with llie oxy-
gen of tlie air. ;Melt zinc, cadmium, or lead in an ordinary
furnace and a scum of "dross" appears, an imi)urity formed liy the
oxygen. You see it in the lead pots that plumbers use.
in a vacuum furnace, on the contrary, the air is pumped out so
that the heated object cannot combine with oxygen. Therefore in
the vacuum furnace impurities are not formed.
Clearly, the chemical jirocesses that take jdace in the two types
are different, and the difference is important. Copper, for instance,
if impure, loses in electrical conductivity. Vacuum-furnace copper
is pure.
So the vacuum furnace has opened up a whole new world of
chemical investigation. The Research Laboratoiies of the (Jeneral
Electric Company have been exploiing this new world solely to find
out the possibilities under a new series of conditions.
Yet there have followed practical results highly imiiortant to
industry. The absence of oxidation, for instance, has enabled chem-
ists to combine metals to fonii new alloys heretofore imi)ossible.
Indeed, the vacuum furnace has stimulated the study of metallurgi-
cal processes and has become indispensable to chemists resi)onsible
for production of metals in quantities.
And this is the result of scientific research.
Discover new facts, add to the sinn total of hunum knowledge,
and sooner or later, in nuin>' unexpected ways jiractical icsults
will follow.
General^Electric
o..™i o«.. C o m p a ny '•'•°~»2;,^„ '■
'^'i^
'1AR 20 1822
JOS. KUHN & CO.
Year round values here in
our Fair Price Campaign
for 1922.
KEEP STEP WITH THE
SEASONS !
Bud out in
A New Spring Suit!
$25 to $50
14 Quality Makes to Choose From
University Women !
Hart Schaffner & Marx coats for ladies
have the same expert tailoring that goes
into the finest Men's clothing. They hold
their shape just like a man's coat.
33-35-37 Main Street
Champaign
^Si«***>.Si.XJ«.^.*%%\3^3vJkJ^%%VX%VX\X%X%N%X\%WX\
A
Pleasant
Surprise
is experienced by most
students at their first
meal in the
ILLINOIS UNION
CAFETERIA
You, too, will be pleased with
the cleanliness of surroundings
and equipment, excellent quality of
the food, great variety offered and
most important — the low prices.
The
ILLINOIS UNION
Cafeteria
I
i
I
!
JIREN
^XXXV%X3«iXX3l^XXXXX\N\NXNX\XXVXNX\\N\X\\>
i
W
I
\
((
((
Dink
and
Bud
yy
yy
In a New Combination
UNION
DANCES
BRADLETS
Friday and Saturday
♦
♦ ♦
TICKETS $L25
On Sale ill the Unidii Hiiililini!
^4XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX<lCS<XXX'< ixxxxxxxxstxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxv
I
[1]
HREN
Arcade
Barber Shop
Gushing Bros. Prop.
IN ORDER
1
•■Cush"
2
"Sam"
3
"Roy"
4
"Mack"
5
"Curt"
Let us demonstrate the
Scott Sharpener, It gets
results from all the
safety blades in exist-
ence.
see "Cush" He Knows
Correct
Teaclier: "II' I cut a beefsteak
in two and then the lialves in two
and then cut the quarters in two,
Avhat do I have?"
.lolinny: "Ei<;liths."
"And then aj^ain?"
"Sixteenths,"
"Again."
"Thirty-seconds."
Teaclier:
.johnny:
Teacher :
Johnny:
Teacher:
Johnnv :
"Again."
'Handnirger."
— Thr Bii.:.: Sair.
S
It wa.s their lirst (luarrel.
He : "If I were you, I'd have
enougli sense to see that much I"
She: "Of course y()u would,"
she letorted decisively.
She laid tlie still, wliite form
beside those that had gone l)efore.
ZS'o groan, no sign from her. Sud-
denly she let forth a cry that
jiierced the still air, making it vi-
lirate into a tlnnisand echoes. It
seemed as if it came from her very
soul. Twice the cry was repeated
and then all was quiet again. She
would lay another egg tomorrow.
You will admire our
workmanship in all
Unes of
Dyeing
and
Cleaning
Garments Called
for and
nelivered
Promptly
Carpets and Rugs Given
Special Attention
PARIS DYEING &
CLEANING WKS.
Call Main 1744
i
•j.,,-
, ^ !,».,^||l >>l "I 111 l'l«t» •!»" 111! 1111
Fads
Worth Remembering
Our ICngineers are e.xiierts. ^Ve em-
jdoy only skilled mechanics. The
materials ^e use aie the Itest ([ual-
ity. Our charges are reasonable. We
want your business.
Call Us On
Your Next Job of Work
JOHNSON BROS.
Sdiiilniii (iiiil Hvatiiiij Eiiijiiiccru
402 N. Neil St.
CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS
Both Phones
I I
I I
I I
I I
I 1
I 1
! I
I I
1 I
1 I
1 I
! I
! I
1 I
-.4, l-i
Whose Birthday
This Month?
Send her flowers from a jdace that
has the reimtation tor handling only
I he best.
We send flowers by telegrapii all
over the country.
\Vm. Jos. Werstler '19, Mgr.
Main 90S Garfield 1075
[2J
Mwm
McEVILLY
-</ BROWN
Shoe Repairing
Cleaning and
Pressing
W'c carry
a I'liU line of polishes
and laces.
OllPIIEUM BUILDING and
403 EAST GREEN
Necessary Evil
"Sk v(mi desire In licciiiiic my
soiiiniaw?
"\o sir, I (l(in"l. l!ul IT I mar-
ry your (laiif{liter, sir, I don't see
very well Imw I can };el ont of it."
— 11 '('(7.7.1/ Trlcf/raiiJi .
S-^
"Why is yoni- wife so jealous of
y<nir tyi)ist ?"
"\\"ell, you see, my wife used to
he my typist !"
— Loiidoii Miiil.
-S-
lie — Come, on, 'less up, you
i;irls would just as soon go out
with one of these conceitt'd "HiL;
Men on the ('ampus" as olliei-s.
kSIr- — Wiiat others'.'
— (lart/oijic.
S '
I'lof. — .Miss (ilninme, how many
rihs do yoit have'.'
.Miss (ilunime — Oh, ni\ dear I
I'm too ticklish to count 'em!
1^
I'odfier (to new acipiaintance I
— I wonder if that fat old j^irl is
really tryiui; to flirt with nie''
Cooler — 1 can easily tiiid out by
askin<> her — siie is my wife.
— /iickxoiirillr 'riiiK'S'C iiiiiii.
Victrola
Records
Mere you may have a
choice of Victrola, Col-
iiiubiii or Urunswick
records.
Ask to Hear the New
Releases for
March
We also have a large
selection of string in-
struments and
saxaphones
G. W. Lawrence
112 West Main SUx-et
URBANA
•{•III —
Variety
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU READ THIS .MAG-
AZINE. YOU WILL GET VARIETY IN FOOD IF YOU EAT AT
Gilliland's Cafeteria
117 South Race Street— Urbana
♦ —
13]
JDUEN
Cy^ WANT
[COMFO/ZT/
Heating is our one 'big boast
We imll malce you ivarm as
toast.
— from tin: proverbs of Mr. Quiil;
IS your house comforta-
ble? Is there plenty of
heat? No. Well, why
not ask us to help you out.
We find the way and teli
you the cost at once.
L. W. Apperson
URBANA
Main 906
120 S. Race St.
I
*.■
+-
I
I
I
1
Bad Practice
Mis. Keddy — "AVliy don't yoii
Jet your Willie jday l)aseball with
the other boy.s?"
Mrs. Greene — "A part of the
i;:iiiie is stealiiij; liases, and I'm
afraid it might have a had iii-
riiicuce".
— "Tojiics rif llir Da if FUnifi.
S
•Micky: <Hi, shi' j,'iit aiiyry when
i kissed her.
Difky: She did?
Micky: Yeh, every time.
S ■
"I see you believe in keeping
away from tobacco."
"Yes, just inhaling distance."
iS
Ebeuezer : "How long did you
say that son o'yourn has been at
Illinois ?"
Josiah: "Waal — 'bout sixteen
head o' cattle 'n twenty acres o'
corn."
Give Her
Schuler
Bros.
Homemade
Candies
MAIN STREET
CHAMPAIGN
IFc havr for your inspection
mail)/ u>ii(jiir (irtivlis hi jrirrlri/
(1)1(1 art (j<j(jds
Antique Cameos
a Specialty
A IJig Line of Latest Bo.k Stationery
WE DO WATCH AND JEWELRY
REPAIRING
CARD PLATE ENGRAVING
Prices are Moderate
The Ray L. iBowman
Jewelry Company
Miss Ray L. Bowman, Manager
205 N. Neil St. Hamilton Bldg., Champaign
t-
!
I
I
P
!
1
I
i
I
B
I
Hot and Cold
Ice Cream
I
I
[4]
Eat ice cream in the summer because
it is frozen, and will, in melting, elim-
inate a certain amount of your excess
heat. Eat it in the winter because the
butter-fat, eggs, and sugar in ice cream
are all efficient heat-producers.
Only be sure that the cream you get
is ours. Then you can be sure that it
not only will have the flavor that has
made it the favorite, but you will have
the assurance that the ingredients will
be of the highest standard of quality
and purity. It pays to insist on our ice
cream.
Phones:
Garfield 2107
Main 175
Champaign Ice Cream Co.
111-115 E. University Street
miEN
S Main Street, Champaign
Phones: Garfield 1121; Main 1
WHOI^SALE
Smith & Picard
Meats Brought from the Farm to You Direct
HOME KILLED MEATS, POULTRY, PORK
AND LARD
"Ctmmpaign's Cleanest Market"
RETA1I>
-+
i
I
I
I
I
•4
A Man's Idea of a Woman
Any III tractive member of the other sex between
The ages of U! and 27. Something very swec^t — very
lovely — very danjierous, tlu' less brains the more
(lanjiei-ons. A Ininli-ess of men with rolled socks
and cerise lips. Slie had no moral sense. tSinnous.
Djer-kiss. She is a tenuons octopus trying to en-
snare the helpless male. She is a.s mysterious as the
Sphin.v. Her mind is shallow, yet she has a sti-ange
.subtle power over the sterner sex. She is a little
devil, and the cause of all the crime and misery in
the world — look at Samson, the Trojan W'av. and
Proliibiti<ui. Cherchez la femme!
— S
^V man does not look behind Ihe door unless he
slood there himself.
A Seemingly Incomplete Verse
On a hillside near Manassas,
Where the bu.sy little bee
Buzzes busily fi'om breakfast.
Up to, yes, and after (ea ;
Whei-e the crocus vines are croaking
By the gently running rill,
Is a spot the family treasures;
Tis— I know it is their still.
Of all that nu)ves and breathes u]ion lh(> ear
Xolhing is found more unstable than man.
— liridi/cs : ••'I'lif Rilinii nf r/i/.v.vc.v.'
S
Ih.
All men become goo<l creatui'cs — but so slow.
House Managers
A New White Line Service
At the end of the school year we will take all your rugs, drapes, cur-
tains and linens and store them through the siunmer, returning them to
you at the beginning of school in the fall.
All insured while in our care.
White Line Laundry
Main 406
I
[5j
HKEN
The Gateway!
To the World's Resources
All over the world men are laboring
to supply us with the latest and
most improved articles of trade.
Far away to the north by the edge
of the woods, bustUng paper mills
work for us and for you.
Countless workers all over the
United States guide their hands
and machines by what we and you
want. Our debt to all these people
is a heavy one-
This store is the gateway through which many trade rivulets, streams, and rivers
pasf=. To these, then, we give acknowledgement and thanks:
and to many others, — too numerous to mention, but erjually helpful in making our
lives more pleasant.
To A. G. Spalding & Bros. :
that great producer of fine athletic
goods.
To Converse Rubber Co. :
makers of real athletic shoes.
To Shaw-Walker:
the original office-supply manufac-
turers. Built like a skyscraper.
To Waterman, ConkUn,
Shaeffer, and Moore :
who are responsible tor the great
advance in the art of using pen and
ink.
To Dennison:
the creator of novelties — paper flow-
ers, favors, tags, festoons, confetti,
and fancy napkins.
To Eastman :
the genius of photography.
To LePax :
the apostles of "system."
To Book Publishers :
the Macmillan Company, Henry
Holt, John Wiley & Sons, McGraw-
Hill Book Company, D. C. Heath
Company, D. Appleton & Company,
and many other faithful servants.
To Drawing Equipment
Makers:
EUGENE DIETZGEN COMPANY,
skillful and painstaking artisans, ex-
cel all others.
To Makers of Stationery:
Eaton, Crane & Pike Company,
Hampshire Paper Company, Whit-
ing Paper Company.
To the Joy Makers-
Music Dealers:
-the
Carl Fischer, G. Schirmer, Boston
Music Co., Publishers, Feist, Berlin,
Waterson, Berlin & Snyder, Lyon
& Healy, Forester, etc.
"YOUR GATE^VAY TO THE MARKETS OF THE WORLD"
'Chuck" Bailey
606 E. Green St.
Shelby Himes
[6]
muEN
^iiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMDiiiimiiiiiniii □iiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDii] iiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiaiimii oiiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiii v"
What's a Girl to Do?
oil, loi-', tlierc's soineTliiiif; wront; with every oiii' of theiul EitluM- lie's l)o\v-l(\ti;S('<l, oi"
he's ali-eady eiif^aged, or he dauees like a Juggernaut, or he hasn't even a Ford, or he wears
green socks, or he is so witty that he takes all the joy out of life, or he is so low-hrow that
lie hasn't heard of Frend or Schropenliauer, or even Ezra Pound, or he is so liandsoiiie that
he is not guaranteed to wear well, or his favorite sport is chewing gum, or, in order to
economize, he wants to sit in the parlor evei\v night instead of taking a poor girl any i>lace.
or he is cr<»ss-eyed, or he can't think of anything to say after he calls one up on the tele-
phone, or he believes that woman's place is in the home, or he has no romantic "past.'"
either experienced or to be experienced, or bis dime emporium sachet stifles one, or he wears
a sombrero, or he is a cynic and despises women because they are only dolls, or else he
loves one for one's brains alone, or he stutters, or he isn't an athlete, nor an editor, nor
even on the Senior Breakfast Committee, or it makes him sick to smoke, or — well, you know
how it is youi'self. It certainly is liaid on a girl who considers it her highest duty lo marry.
It certaiidv is aiiiiovinn
"aiiiiiiiniiiDiiiiiniiiiiaiiiiiiuiiiitiiiiiuiuiiiaiiiiiuiiiiiDiiiiiuiiniaiiiMiiiiiiiaiiiniiiiiiiBiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiinuiiiiiiiiMiiaiuiiiin^
[7]
J. A. Nlx'KOlls. Business Manager; R. R. Fowi.er, Assistant Business Manager; R. J. Wkiier, Advertising Manager; R. H.
Fkkguson, Circulation Manager. Assistants: B. Cowan, B. Hurd, H. Fechtnian, F. Moclion, J. Keth, S. Fortier, Mary
Werts, Helen Booth. W. C. Rankle. W. Meents, G. A. Redemski.
This Issue of The Siren Was Edited by Members of Pi Chapter of Theta Sigma Phi, Women 's
Honorary Journalistic Fraternity
Published monthly by the lUini Publishing Company, University of Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the
postoffice at Urba'na, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the
year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois.
On Man, in Gentle Fashion
The Siren lady shakes a fin this month at Man. Ir-
ritated by the vitriolic asperrions continually cast at her
by a staff made up largely of highly critical and sarcastic
young manhood, she welcomes a staff of her own sex and
the opportunity to make a few retorts courteous or re-
plies churlish, as the case may be, to much that has gone
before. She contends that woman has no monopoly on the
irrationalities and imbecilities of a nuper-sophlsticated age.
and she intends to view Man with her nonsensical, satir-
ical, and critical eye and then expose his vanities and
asininities in a gentle, lady-like way. She accepts him for
what he is; she has no purpose to reform him.
• S
On Obsolescence
Sending fraternity freshman out to sorority houses
for dinner is a remnant of the public initiation ceremony
which has been largely abolished. Like the other forms
of publicity, it is doomed becase it is an old story. To see
one freshman go through his paces once might be moder-
ately funny. With repetition, the high school yell or the
art of eating peas with a knife is less side-splitting.
By the time the initiation season is over the sisters
have taken to smothered yawns and they cast about for ex-
cuses to leave the table early. Food is wasted on men
that are in no shape to appreciate it, the women are
bored, and the victim is agonized. It would be a kindne.ss
to everyone to keep the freshman at home.
S
On the Campus Playhouse
Sock and Buskin, long having gypsied al)out from the
Auditorium to' Morrow Hall, to the Illinois theatre and
back inevitably to Morrow Hall, are at la t to find a per-
manent shelter on the Illinois campus.
Sigma Delta Phi, the Player's Club, Mask and Bauble,
Pierrot, and the other drama-thirsty populace of the Uni-
versity community have at last conceived an_d brought
forth the Drama League. "Our hearts, our hopes, our
prayers, our tears, are all with thee, are all with thee!"
S
I
On the 1922 Opera
"Tea Time in Tibet" is in the process of synthesis
and will be ready to serve to the university pulilic April
7 and 8. There will be, of course, the usual display of
muscular backs between the beaded straps of formal
dresses in the chorus scenes, and the ludicrous exhibition
of a man's interpretation of high heels. We will gasp with
pleasure when the leading lady first appears, only to be
shocked into breathlessness when she speaks in her bass
voice.
We are hoping for some good solo dancing, good
music (even if the words are senseless), and clever lines.
And we do beseech you, O Director, see that the chorus
girls' dresses hang straighter than they did last year, and
at a length at least moderately compatible with prevail-
ing styles!
[8]
SIREN
On General Pershing
On Serenades
General John J. Pershing, sans parly and formality,
looked over the University — or more accurately the s-tu-
dent brigade — last month. After award of company med-
als, a speech which was applauded if not heard, some Illi-
nois yells (including one for "Black Jack," the appellation
we understand the General abhors), and tea with President
David Kinley, he departed leaving the flavor of a pleasant
personality mingled with dignity in his wake.
S
On a Recent Visitor
A cat may look at a king (though tlierc aren't many
left to look at nowadays) and even the most phlegmatic
and inarticulate of undergraduates may l)e allowed to at-
tempt an appreciation of one whom Stuart Pratt Sherman
designated as "certainly one of the authorities in the field
of American literature." The phlegmatic one is used to
being told that Prof. Dry-as-Dust is an authority in this
field or that, the assumption being based upon the pro-
fessor's steadfastness in counting appearances of the word
"the" in the works that came from the pen of Mr. Died-
LongAgo. So the phlegmatic one took his seat before Dr.
Carl Van Doren. assistant professor of English at Colum-
bia University and literary editor of the Nation, with not
very high hopes for a happy evening in his phlegmatic
breast. He didn't miss a single lecture thereafter. He
was stirred to the depths of his inarticulate soul for the
aot phrases and surprisingly happy turns of expression
that colored and lighted up the lectures that were not mere
surface smartness but the product of a mind with deep
insight, a mind that saw the affairs of the day in a multi-
tude of phases and relations to other affairs. If others of
Dr. Van Doren's kind come here to lecture, the phlegmatic
one will have to unravel all his fine-spun theories about
dry-as-dust professors.
S
On tlie Senior Picnic
The ghost of our high school days is walking. The
senior cla"s picnic is with us again. The erudite seniors
will forget the approaching agony of the Burrill avenue
cap-and-gown parade and will frolic, gladsome, on the allu-
vial terraces of Crystal Lake park. Foiled in its plans for
a hick party earlier in the year, the senior class will still
get its chance to rough-house. "The party will be a real
get-together," says the annoncement. That is, those who
know each other will get dates and go. Most of those who
don't won't. Tho e who do picnic will enjoy the spring
beauties of the wild-wood, and twelve or fifteen people
will get their names in the paper for membership on the
august committee that plans the festival.
Perhaps the class could have a hike or an Orph<;um
party. Then there would be more committees to appoint.
Just when one has readied the point of concentration,
after the argument between two fre.shmen next door has
been quelled. Birdie has stopped playing her ukelele, and
Lizzie ha-, at last bade her lover good-night over the wire,
when all is still, except for one's room-mate typing a theme
and singing "Yoo Hoo," when one's cerebrum seems al-
most ready to accommodate a new wrinkle — then — lh<!
serenaders burst upon ones ear.
They rend the air with morbid yowls about moons
and blues; they beat tom-toms for accompaniment, and
their tenor sounds like a tog-horn calling its mate; they
trample on our tulips which were just coming up, throw
c'garettes on our impeccable lawn and wa te an hour of
our precious time — but, bless their hearts, how we love
'em, one and all, and how our hearts clatter against our
ribs as they warble and wheeze, and how we look at the
stars and s'gh in ecta'v. Isn't it silly?
On the Band
There are Illinois institutions and "annuals" without
number, but the one time in the year when our pride
wells up and overflows in pure ecstacy is the occasion of
the annual band concert. The whole college year o£fers
nothing in the way of entertainment that we like better
or enjoy more thoroughly. We like the selections, we like
the rendition, and we like the touch of originality and
nonsense in the interlude. ".\ Bit of College Life."
IS
On a Recent Idiotism
The senior — and male of the species — is at it again.
Not content with the dignity of his station and years, the
adoption of bored airs and affectation of meerschaums, he
introduces the gates-ajar collar. Sweet memories of Dan-
iel Webster, we ask — what's behind it?
Our question box brought forth trick Adam's apples,
politics, fads and budding sedateness. But we beg, oh
mighty ones, enlightenment!
[9]
HREN
Here's A Toast
1 asked ln'i- wliat slicM most admire
In any man she'd clioose;
[She thought a while, then answere<l me.
And gave these as her views —
He must he strong, and enltiired too.
And also, must be sweet,
He must have skill and lots of brains,
Be gi-icefnl on his feet.
1 marked llieni down and promised lier
I'd fill eacli dream sJie had ;
1 did each one that she reciuired.
And didn't do 'em bad.
I sliowed my strengtli miiaeiilous
By heaving np a weight;
When I was done she tossed it up
At twice as fast a rate.
For culture, I recited i)oems.
Such stuff as Dan ;M"<irew,
She called a halt and finished it.
And gave some Arnold too.
1 showered her with attentions
To show I could be sweet,
But when she ])uckered up her lips
1 knew she had me beat.
xVt skill, I tried to palm some cards.
And wasn't bad at that;
But with a mystic pass she took
A rabbit from ray hat.
And hiains; I figured proldenis tiiat
A^'ould gi\e my Prof, a tit;
\Miile she told me each answer.
And then worked some 'analit.'
1 danced with jier to show my grace
Till I was in a daze,
And then slie said "Let's keep riglit on,
1 know five other ways."
And so, since she can do eacii tiling,
Lois better than I can
I'll say Unit you're a better man
Thau I am, Liza Aun.
— A.L.S.
-S-
A Study in Futures
lOvery man is practically tliree men. Tiiere is
tlie mail you know liefore lie proposes; tiiere is the
man you have accepted; lliere is the man you Innb
married.
— HohhcNi "TJir. Wlsdoiit. of the '[Vise.'
Old Maid's Hymn of Joy
(Witli ajiologics to Doctor Laudis)
'Sly lieart leaps u]i wlien I beliold
The men my girl friends marry.
So small are they, or thin of chest.
Or tall and bald, like all the rest.
(I'm wi.se; I'll never marry 1 1
My chin held high, my garments of tlie best.
(My lone ipiest stop'd ere it began i.
I seek things new, (Thank (iodli iiniiamiieied by
a man.
—Doniihi/ /fill.
S
Evening Thouglit
i)o you ever sit and ponder as the evening sliadows ^
fall, f
Just why we go on working and just wliat it means
at air.'
Do you ever see the beauty in liie sunset's fiery
glow.
And just feel your lieart a-pining fm- that someone
yon don't know"?
Then ihe wliile you sit and ponder on. the meaning
of it all.
Hear the tinkle of the dinner bell and hungry voices
call'.'
And the sunset's rarest beauty seems to fade and
die away
As you realize your tiimiiiie's weak which nudu's yon
feel that way.
S-
MIKE AND JIM - HE LOOKS LIKE H1R =
""Where did ijou say ijouiwere shot?"
"Belleau Wood!'
""What do uou moan - in the neck?
[10]
JIKEN
Ode to Friendship
No more fond love shall wound my
breast,
In all his smiles deceitful dressed.
I scorn his coward sway;
And now with pleasure can explore
The galling chains I felt before
Since I am free today.
Today with friendship I'll rejoice,
Whilst dear Percival's gentle voice.
Shall soften every care;
O. Algernon of the joy sincere!
The social sigh! the pleasing swear!
Thy noble pin I'll wear.
^\■||en first, ill-fated, hapless hour!
My soul confessed Percy's power,
Algernon shar'd my grief;
And leaning on his skinny breast
The fatal passion I confessed
And found a soft relief.
O. much lov'd man! Whilst life re-
mains
To thee I'll consecrate my strains.
For thee I'll tune my lyre
And echoing with my sweetest lays.
The vocal hills shall speak the praise
Of Friendship's sacred fire.
—Dorothy Hill.
March 6, 1756.
Arranged for the piano from "The
Old Maid."
Today's Ettiquette
■ Hi'h'iic : -My Dcai-, if you arc in
! (I(nil)t aliuut liow a ililitai-y Hall
qiU'iMi slidulil act. cimsiill the cli-
; <iiK'Ut' l)0(ik ill till- riiivcfsiiy
libvnry the im)i-iiiii<j of the liall.
—Alice Hen Bolt.
from tfie
BoiiGvnrd
^nology.
Down the sluggish meanders
Where pebbl'd sands
Lay under the heavy, leaden sky.
Floated Professor Deadwon,
Whose sepuchral voice
Spake, saying:
"For forty years as a
Professor of history in a center
Of learning I disseminated
Obsolete, medieval, and
Remote cultures from
Out yellowed, dusty tomes
And ancient chronicles.
There is no authority equal to
A source book.
I gave the same lectures
From the same notes
In the same words to the
Same shallow-, senseless
Young minds, year upon year.
Our culture is a heap of ashes.
Those who pride themselves upon
Being modern are chasing phantoms.
I had an ingrowing mind.
But at least found pleasure
In ray own reflections.
I never smiled once."
Famous Liars
Xapoleoii : ■■Once ii|ioii a lime
I wo yoiiiif; ctdlejie fools j^ot eii-
{iajjed. They later married.
<ieo. Wa.shiiigton : "Father, 1
could not tell a lie".
— Sini J )i)(l !/(!-.
S
".V iliiii"; of heaiity is a joy Im-
ever". were the w.oids ol' the ail-
mii;ilile Keals — which only };oes
on 1o show that Keats was never
mariicd. — I'llicdii.
What Collej*e Does for
the American Girl
First Year
Fresh from the prairie high school
and homo influences. Shortens her
skirts. Has her hair marcelled. Forms
a crush on her lOnglish professor.
Stops saying her prayers. Cultivates
a taste for jazz.
Second Year
Establishes the Orpheuni habit.
Shorten ■ her skirts. Stops reading'
Longfellow and takes up Omar Khay-
yam. Falls in love with either Chuck
Carney or George Chandler. Starts to
revivify her school-girl complexion.
Third Year
Shortens her skirts. Bobs her hair.
Takes F. Scott Fitzgerald to heart.
Dances cheek to cheek. Becomes a
man-hater a short space of time. Puts
the finishing touches on her "line."
Flunks a course.
Fourth Year
Takes up : ocialism, cigarettes and
ear-rings. Develops a temperament.
Reads the Siren. Becomes an atheist.
Shortens her skirts. Takes a home ec
course and marries a man she met at
a Shan Kive — Alas!
S
Sure 'Nuf
\ )(i villi know I'aniiy '.'
J-'anny who'.'
'!'" any one calls, tell 'em Tm
iiol in.
S
A\al di.l lo die of'.'
\\'li\. Iodide of I'olassinm
111]
lOSEN
i;<iimiiiiiDiniiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiMiiiiiiioiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiuiuii3iiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiiiiiiiiiain
The Vanities of a College Man
A waxed mustache is a care, but
after all, the distinction is worth it.
When Ferd came to college he simply
had to fail in line with all the rest of the
middle-parted, side-burned, bandolined
brothers.
This space reserved for the Sam
Brown belt cherished by the Mili-
tary department.
n
Consider tlie law
student, so over-
whelmed with hisown
superiority, that he
distinguishes himself
from the common
mob with this.
Portrait of the vest of a campus
leader, who, to date, has invested $147.65
in fraternity jewelry. He doesn't wish
to be ostentatious, but one must stand
behind the organization.
This is Harolde, the tea dance
king, who introduced the jazz bow two
years ago and who hates to part with
a style that has come to be most of his
individuality on the campus.
KlltllllllKllltllllllllllllitllllllllllll
And this section is dedicated, with-
out embarrassing illustration, to the
one house-formal-andprom outfit, the
lugubrious full dress suit.
The journalist, so-called litera-
teur, fancies this as a conceit.
rjiiiiiMiiiMiiiiiiiiiiMiiaiiiiiMiiiiiniiiniiiiiiii^iiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii^iiniiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiEiitiiMiiiiiiiiinMiiiMiiiMniiiii^
[12]
SIREN
How the lUini Got His Name
A "Just So" Story by Dorothea Beeby
This, O Best Beloved, is a story of llie HirIi ami Far-
Off Times before tlie man of Illinois hail siuh a 'sclusively
enviable reputation among the Badgers, the Buckeye-, and
the Wolverines and the Razorbacks, the Tigers, the Goph-
ers and all the other distinctly reputable University men.
He was then only a most extraordinarily ordinary man
from what the Tigers and the Badgers called tliat little-
one-horse-college-on-the-prairie-all-set-about-w it h-corn- fields -
and-pig-sties.
Now this was most 'tcrutiatingly humiliating to the
Man of Illinois, for though he seemed awkward and un-
aggressive, he was really a young fellow of active aspira-
tions. And he knew and understood quite perfectly what
it was he needed in order to gain a 'sclusively enviable
reputation among the distinctly reputable University men.
He needed a name that sounded daring and distinguished,
that marked him a bold, bad, never-been-beaten fighter,
and he needed a battle-cry to put fear into the heart: of
the Buckeyes and the Hawkeyes and the Wolverines when
they met him on the gridiron or the diamond or anywhere
at all. Since this Man of Illinois was after all a most
'stute young fellow, he knew that if you are called Tiger
you will act like a Tiger, or if you are called Wolverine
you must fight till you die like a Wolverine, and if you
are called nothing at all. you will fight like nothing at all.
So he thought and he thought and he thought, and for the
life of him he couldn't think of a name brave enough or
fierce enough or never-been-beaten enough.
After he had thought for many days, his 'satiable cur-
iosity got the best of him, and he set out for the home
of the Tiger to ask him how it was that he happened to
choose that name. For, if he knew how the Tiger thought
of his name, he alro might think of one too. Next morn-
ing he started early, and the Man of Illinois travelled a
night and a day through corn fields, through wheat fields,
through cities, and over rivers, up hills and down liills,
and at last he came to the home of the Tiger.
"0 please Mr. Tiger, will you please tell me how it
was that you chose ruch a fearfully fierce name?" Mr.
Tiger looked down at him thru his thick black-rimmed
spectacles, and looked and looked and looked — then he
snapped,
"Humph! go away, — don't bother me child."
"Oh well," raid the man of Illinois as he trotted away,
"the Tiger had no manners in the lieginning, he has no
mailers now, and lie never will have any maniu'rs. I'll
just go ask Mr. Wolverine."
So he turned his face toward the west, and hack he
trotted to the home of his neiglibor Mr. Wolverine. Now
Mr. Wolverine paid not very much attention to his West-
ern neighbors in those High and Far-Off Times, and he
did not even recognize The Man of Illinois when he met
liim on the 'sclusive Diagonal Walk.
"O plea-e Mr. Wolverine, will you please tell me
how — "
"Ohhhhh" roared Mr. Wolverine, "Who are you,— you
cannot be a MICHIGAN MAN. Dear me, if it isn't the
Man of Illinois from that little-one-horse—"
But the Man of Illinois had stuck his fingers into his
ears and was already well on his way toward the home of
Mr. Buckeye.
Mr. Buckeye is most exceedingly fond of athletics,
and when the Man of Illinois arrived, he was standing
before his home swinging two enormou ly large baseball
bats with extraordinary swiftness. He did not see the man
of Illinois as he came up from behind, so the Man of
Illinois began in his most meek small voice —
"O please — " But he never got any farther, for Air.
Buckeye turned suddenly, and one of the enormously large
baseball bats hit him rmack on the head.
The Man of Illinois fell to the ground seeing brilliant,
bright twinkling stars, and as the stars faded away one
by one, he began to dream a beautiful dream, faint and
indistinct at first, but gradually growing clearer. He dreaiii-
ed that he was an Indian chieftain with a band of the
bravest, strongest, truest warriors and hunters in the
world, and that he and his fighter:; were hunting tigers
and wolverines and badgers and gophers in a large green-
ish, darkish, coolish forest, and that they could either
tame or conquer these animals as they chose, because of
their great skill and bravery. He dreamed that these
Indians called themselves lUini and that their battle-cry
was Okie-Wow-Wow, loud, and deep, and fierce. And
when the Man of Illinois awoke, he knew that at last his
'satiable curiosity had found him a name.
And ever since then. Best Beloved, the Man of Illinois
lias been a great fighter because he has a never-been-beaten
name. And never since then have the distinctly reputable
University men called Illinois that little one-horse-college-
all-set-about-with-cornfields-and-pig-sties but always, tlie
Great Illinois, home of the Fighting Illini.
HKEN
One Speed in Reverse
Ouce Upon A Time tliere wais a Boy. The Boy
was the Pride-of-the County Seat. His Clothes were
the Latest of Markseiihcimer.
All the ;N'atives said, "The Boy is Swift."
He Cut a Nasty Swath in his own Precinct.
The Father of the "Finest-froiuthe-Farni" had
gathered Many Shekels in His Journey tlirough this
Vale of Tears. The County Cut Up was the Apple-
of-His-Eye, and he lavished Many Lire upon him.
But in the Courseof-Tinie he Bought the Boy out
of Many Misfortunes and grew Slightly Fatigued
of Doling out the Dollars. And so, he then did
Issue Warning. But the Boy heeded not the "Hand-
Writing-ou-the-Floor" and oftimes spoke of the Old
Gent as "a Dub-Who-Always-Came-Tlirongh.""
In due time I'apa packed him off to College To
Be Cultured.
Upon arriving, he discovered that to get the
True College Atmosphere, one must needs Gin Him-
self for Many Moons. So he became Proficient in
the gentle Art of Equitation of the Upper Deck of
a Light Colored Pack Animal. The Father, hearing
of the Constant Carousal, sent orders for the Sabo-
tage to cease. It ceased not — neither did it Falter.
A fortnight passed, and Those Higher Up in
the Educational Oasis informed our Hero that, as
the "Face On the Barroom Floor" was not the only
Requisite, he had better Have-A-Talk with some
Ticket Agent about the Comforts of Travel.
Upon arriving on the Village Greensward he
found No Band to Greet Him. Thinking that pos-
sibly the player of tlie Several Gallon Horn might
be ill, he worried not, but Hurried Home. Here The
Inhabitant of the Fish Hook About-Faced.
Father greeted Him with the Well Known
Glassy Stare and remarked, '"Grasp Ozone."
Our Hero was cast on the Sea-of-Life with
Nary a Life Preserver.
Moral : Sharpen not The Axe for the "Goose who
layeth the Golden Egg," but rather fish yourself on
Friday.
S
Jlcu never think tlieir fortune too great nor
llieir wit too little.
' S
A man is not better than his conversal ion.
The Robber Barren
'\\'ifli caprices apjialling: would l)e entliralling.
^'anity stricken, with excry move calling
For bounteous fhitterv; set for a l)attery
Strong of sweet glances, every look met
A\'ith an eye for selection twix lilonde and brunette.
livery lady's heart swaying. Iiis jiledge pins display-
ing,
Bandolined, glyceriiu^d, every act saying
"I am the class of tlie l>arty this evening.
My apparent distinction brooks no opposition,
Fools oidy deny my exalted positifui."
'Fore he enters tlie dwelling come dire odors fore;
telling
Of Wild Hoot or ilaudeen, dear <iod what a snielliu!:
Jlingled with those of the lilac and rose.
Chic Ai-row collar and tweed suit which inai-ks
Him a walking Idllboard for Mart, Haffner, and
Sharx.
■
1
I
Joke inured, manicured, suave, entertaining.
With wit not original, yet always refraining
From remarks unconventional, trite or faux paux.
Man, ye cannot, ye dare not. wliile clothed so in
bluff
Deny that from woman thou'rt stealing thy stuff.
S
To Man
Ye have sung me your songs, ye have chanted your
rimes,
1 1 scorn your beguiling, O JIanli
Ye fondle me now, but to strike nie bi'times.
(A treacherous lover is man!)
S
It Do Thrill
••AN'illiam," rejirimanded his friend, "every once
in a while I catch you kissing some pretty chorus
girl, that's no way for a niariied man to act. AA'liy
do you do it?
"I like to feel the ditterence between deliglitfid
ac(|uiescense and frantic co-oiieration." said William.
— A.L.S.
S
Every man is occasionally what he onglit to he
perpetually.
S—
[14]
SIREN
Barbed Thrust
Says llif wily r:mipus vciItT to
llic (niiipiis caiKliiliilc :
"1 could not lo\c I lice. (tear, so
well.
Lovcil 1 not lioiioi-s nioic."
,S
Another Moon River
I siua of liltlc .liiiiniy \\'iij;hi
A bear in clu'iiiistry.
He likiHl to play with dynainiti'
And mix up T.N.T.
And oft he tried to bet his c-ash.
That lie could jday around :
At stirring; up his nitrate iiasli.
And never leave the ground,
A loud report I Then weep now
kin
For .linniiy foolish p*l).
Alas, we'll never bet our tin.
The angels took him up.
S
If I'ncle Tom was living we
know where he could get ."^S.I.Od a
nioHili Tor liis cabin.
S
Blessed ai-(> the lowbrow, foi-
they shall inlicril ihc earth.
S
The co-ed. iudigiiantly. to The
shoe reformer:
"F am the captain of my fe(>t —
J am the master of mv soles."
-S-
Miss Gertrude Flapper says — "Be-
ing a flapper is distinctly the privil-
ege of our sex. I protest vigorously
against the attempts of man to invade
our organization. Their efforts are in-
sults to our ability."
March
The only famous thing
That ever happened in March
Was the ides
And that was unlucky.
yes, there is the lion
And the lamb that comes in
Or goes out, I don't know which.
And the wind blows a lot,
And it rains some too.
1 hate that kind of a month.
S
A Feeble Chirp in De-
fense of the King
of Beasts
T-he women of a Univerity
H-ave often tried to solve
Evasive problem.,, but we
Know that
I-n the long run
None of them can
Grasp the significance
O-f such a
F-ierce denunciat'on as now lies
Before you, and
E-specially
As woman was made from
S-everal bones of
This king, there
Should be an
I-ntense interest in
S-howing the truth that
M-an is not
A-s much of an animal as
N-ature makes of him.
— A Man.
S
r.iil the greatest strain of all
When fallier comes to call.
Is the iipi)iiig and the strijipiiii
l-eggy iiictnres olV my wall.
The Urbana System
First Conslable near c;impus — -
•Did vei- lift that feller's num-
Seciiiiil <"oiistable — "Xo. he was
loo gol deined fast fer me. Thai
was a perly perl lookin" gal in
the back seal, wasn't it ?
First Constable ■•She shiire
was!"
Student — ( During a sprung
(piiz I "() Lord, lielj) nu' — <) Lord,
hel]! me — never mind now, I've
seen my neighbor's paper."
S
In the North, a whistle blew;
From the South, a gentle "AIoo!".
Northward ambled gentle Sue;
Southward inilfed the "leven-two.
Draw we o'er the rest a sheet.
It was fated they shonhl uu'et.
James, the water's at your right.
The milkman diiln't come tonight
S
Absent minded Prof.— •'! won-
der where 1 put my glasses."
AVife — "I saw 'em somewhere."
A. .M. l'.-""l don't iloiibt it.
Th.it's where I put them."
Overheard by .Major -lack .\llen
at the ball game: (»li. I'anl. isn't
our ])itcher grand'.' He hits their
bats no matter where they hold
I hem. — VtniiJirUli' \iirs.
S
■>-
Miss Adelaide Flapper says — "I can
forgive a man with a marcel; I can
remain outwardly calm if he insists
on holding my hand, but even I can-
not forgive him if his vanity so over-
powers him that he wears a waxed
mustache.
115]
MBm
To His Heart a Key
By Alora Ward
George halted outside the dooi- of his real estate
office at a quarter past six to light his cigarette aud
adjust his immaculate cuffs before desceudiug iuto
the street. Of course it was late for the downtown
district, but there were a few worthwhile people
one met at. this hour nevertheless. As he rouudeil
the corner of tlie hall the swish-swish of the scrub
brush met his ear and he looked down just in time
to avoid a dampening of the dull glimmer of his
black calf skins.
Hm! Remarkably pretty hair for a scrub wo-
man.
As she leaned back on Jici' lieels to apologize,
his eyes were attracted by a gold i)in which held her
calico dress together at the neck. The shape recalled
something to him vaguely — by the holy powers, it
was a Phi Bete key! That was it aud he saw again
the quivering corpulence of old Die Browu's waist-
coat, down at the University.
Good old Doc! Lord, that was a long time ago
— two years!
Aiad then there burst upon George, all at once
the four Ws and the H. A scrub woman plus a
Phi Bete key would give — too nuniy unknowns for
algebra aud utterly too incompatible for common
sense, unless — ?
Hadn't he heard somewhere of .aspiring novel-
ists who did all sorts of things to get stuff' for stor-
ies, and of social .service workers who did things
like this too? He'd bet anything this one was one
or the other and had worn that pin unthinkingly.
Gad ! What fun to cultivate her and not let her
know he knew.
And so began a friendship that puzzled all
George's friends who thought themselves only more
or less amused by it, and delighted all the dwellers
i)U Park Kow, who saw daily a nicely elegant road-
ster (George's father Jiad been in tlie liusiness long
enough for that) drive nji and stop in front of the
Higgin's flat.
As the weeks flew by (ieorge's admiration- for
Helen Higgins reached the bounds of credulity and
spilled over. It was unbelievable. Never once did
lie trip her on anything, never once did she give a
liint that she was other than what she seemed. Helen
tliought as a scridi woman, acted the scrub woman,
to all purposes was a scrub woman, by lieaven!
"Helen," he said one day, apropo of the failure
of his very best efforts to catdi her ui), "You ought
to go on the stage, you're a wonderful actress!"
"Honest, old boy?" Siie had adopted tlie famil-
iar on the api)arent assumption that it bridged their
two classes. To George it merely showed her deep
insight into the class she was studying.
(By this time he was sure she was the afore-
mentioned aspiring novelist.)
"Where'd you get the idea, or 'dyuu hear me
l)Ut it all over the old man tonight wJien he asked
wliere we was ste]>piu"? 'Twas pretty neat, don't
you think?" Helen was much pleased with the com-
pliment, it was evident.
"No but really, girl, you're missing your call-
ing if you don't. It should lie lots more interesting
tlian writing novels and more — er — lucrative!"
"Writin" novels ? Loi'd, yes, I'd think it might
lie. but why drag that in? Honest, you do have the
(pieerest ideas, sometimes! Cbme on, let's drive out
the old state road to that ducky inn again."
The ducky inn was more hilarious tlian usual
that night aud the loud boisterousness aud coarse
familiarity around her seemed to go to Helen's head
like real champagne. When they at last started
honunvard, George's hopes were high. She was in
a talkative mood and inclined toward being matern-
ally tender to him — two feminine signs that confi-
dence were in the air.
It might be added that George had long since
given ui> the idea of concealing the fact that he was
in on her secret. The game was now to get Helen
to admit tliat there was a secret.
And so he decided that the time was ripe for
his coup d'etat. It was to be complete, annihilating
all the subterfuges, between them. He'd really
grown (piite fond of her. Wliat a joy, too, to liear
her at last s])eak good English. Aud his friends
with their damned .superiority, — what fun it was
going to be!
His voice ahuost trembled as he began speak-
ing, — funny how nervous he was! They were in
front of the tenement now and his arm iiad been
around her for the last two nules or so.
"Helen, why did don't you wear any Phi Bete
key these days? You had it on the first time I ever
.saw you, don't you remember — dear?" The last
word was purely experimental, or else it was to be
the clinch of his coup d'etat.
She stirred. Helen had evidently been taking
a rather thorough doze enroute.
"My what?" yawning broadly. "<)li. I know now,
that's what slie called it, too. Funny name for a
(Continued on page twenty-seven)
flfil
HREN
Lord Chesterton to His God-Son
A Letter Found Among Some Old Papers Owned by D. Hill
My Dear Little Boy:
The means of pleasing vary accord-
ing to time, place, and the ladies; but
in the university community in which
you find yourself, you will discover
will infallibly please to a certain de-
that the trite rule "hand 'em a line",
gree. Constantly strive to resemble
your fraternity brothers in versatility
of attentions and ease, both in dress
and manner. Never be individual: try
to think as little as possible for your-
self. The young man of today must
appear to be as much like his fellows
as possible or he is ridiculous, \\nien-
ever you present yourself, or are pre-
sented for the first time in mixed
company, study to make the first im-
pressions you give of yourself as ad-
vantageous as possible. Appear, there-
fore, to be more stupid than you are.
<$>
Even that silly article of dress is
no trifle upon these occasions. Always
be the first in fashion and the last
out of it. In the matter of cravats and
waistcoats, remember to be conspicu-
ous. Wear as fine clothes as those of
your rank commonly do, and when you
are dressed once a day, seem to know
that you have clothes on; forget that
they are perhaps not paid for. Upon
the occasion of my last visit to the
university, I beheld a young man in
the English library in that beautiful
building known as Lincoln Hall. This
young man was well worth observa-
tion. Like so many young men of to-
day, he was notably short and thin in
the chest. His spectacles rode well up-
on his nose. His tweed suit, had, I
fear, not visited the pressing shop for
many weeks. His cravat, of some pe-
culiar knitted material unknown in my
day, rested upon the bosom of a strip-
sliirl of noticeable color. A young man.
without knowledge of fashion, is wise
in imitating such details. The gentle-
man's waistcoat was of checkered ma-
terial in a vivid green, and was amiab-
ly at war with his shirt, an admirable
feature. His hair had been but re-
cently curled and was smartly parted
in the middle, tliereby making his
disli-shaped face appear more round
and e.x-pressionless. A Fop values him-
self upon his dress, and a man of sense
will not neglect it, in his youth, at
least.
<«>
Remember, in company, every wo-
man is every man's inferior, and must
be addressed without respect, nay, with
fiattery. You need not fear making it
(00 trong. Such flattery is not mean
on your part, for it can never give
Ihem a greater opinion of their beauty
or their sense than they had before.
It is well to flatter them upon their
make-up, though they do it ever so
ill. Women abhor courtesy, therefore,
refrain from every show of it. If you
jre returning homeward from an even-
ing affair, notably those of a literary
nature, never offer your protection.
The ladies always hear wedding bells
whenever a man pays them this atten-
tion. Young men are (thank God),
rapidly forgetting such matters. The
later the hour the less need of escort-
ing the lady the several blocks to her
home. (This is of particular import-
ance if you are desirous of gaining the
seclu.sion of your chamber n. order to
have a quiet smoke before retiring.^
Let it be a rule with you never to
ask the lady's permission to smoke;
she does not expect such attention
from a modern young man. Women
have come to expect a faculty member
to remove "his head covering upon
meeting them, but they will feel em-
barrassed if you imitate your elders.
Remember that the attention of rising
if a lady enters the room, or of offer-
ing an elderly woman your seat on the
street car, is unseemly and presump-
tions in one of your youth. Further-
more, remember to be tardy. Women
and instructors expect this quality in
undergraduates, never disappoint
them. Have always, as much as possi-
ble, that air of knowing everything,
which never fails to make favorable
impressions, provided it l)e accompan-
ied l)y a bored smile or a pert smirk.
<s>
Above all, never take the affairs of
the heart seriously. In this respect
a young man is wise in using the but-
terfly as a model. Vou will observe.
Dear Godson, that love is simply a
flitting from one female rose to an-
other. Never place your confidence in
any one young lady. Gather your kiss-
es while and where you may. Think
not too highly of your word. Remem-
ber it is an art to tell a good lie. But
recently I found an interesting piece
of verse that I trust you will honor
by framing. One of those highly or-
nate gilt frames would be fitting.
Wherever you place it, remember to
hang this little gem in a conspicuous
position, preferably over your room-
mate's bureau. Trusting you will
profit by the high seriousness of the
composition, I tender this charming
ditty;
Wlien a fraternity man is jilted
And finds too late that women betray.
When his fair love she's wilted
What art can chase his gloom away?
The onl.v art his sorrow to cover,
To hide his shame from every brother,
To heal the heart of a fond lover.
Is to go and marry another.
<s>
To Master Stanhope, at the univer-
sity boarding school at L'rbana, by Il-
linois.
<$>
P. S. .To make you what amends I
can for this tiresome lecture, I am
sending you a small case, which is
sufficient to give a nice little party to
your brethren.
Bath, Mar. in, 1795.
fl7|
SIREN
The Beggar's Opera
Clever people are always interest-
ing — whether they be dukes or hon-
est peasanf; or queens or beggars. I
am inclined to believe, after hearing
The Beggar's Opera down at Cham-
paign's theatre beautiful, that of all
clever people the last named are the
most interesting.
For beggars, mind you, back in the
days of good king George I, had to be
clever in order to retain physical sym-
metry. The hangman in those days
was mighty skillful with his cleaver
and they tell me he was paid by the
"head."
The beggars in the Opera were as
scurvy, bloody a bunch of knaves and
wenches, to use their own terms, as
ever plotted a holdup or a murder.
But withal they were clever.
"Wat wife ever lived happy 'oo
didn't 'ave the Joy of widowhood to
look forward to; Polly, my child, ye'r
actin' as if ye had no more sense
than a juke's laidy; what's a 'usband
for if ye aint goin' to kill 'im so's y
kin get 'is money. " What could be
more logical, more natural than such
advice from a fond mother?
And then there was the tavern.
Jack Falstaff and his companions
never presented us with a more clever
scene. How they enjoyed their songs
and jokes and their mugs of ale! The
laughter flew as more than one beg-
gar wiped away clinging drops of ale
with the curls of his wig. I never
knew, until I saw the play, that there
was a practical value to those wigs
they wore in the by-gone days.
I liked Captain MacHeath especial-
ly well, for that worthy rogue could
get out of more difficulties of the heart
than the average youth of today can
get into, even In a co-educational in-
stitution. And I also learned that a
woman would believe, even 200 year,;
ago just as she does today, anything
she wanted to believe, even though
the most cheerful liar in all England
told it to her. The captain faced death
and risked it just so cheerfully for
the sake of a woman's smile that it
was no wonder they all loved him.
Those who say that the Beggar's
Opera was dull should contrast it with
any of the musical shows of today or
with the bedroom farces we flock to
witness. They have nothing in their
lines but what is placed there for the
sole purpose of being suggestive.
There was philosophy displayed in
that group of beggars. They knew
their fellow humans.
— B. A. J.
Chimney smoke
Occasionally we read and enjoy so
thoroughly that all our war'ly cares
sublimate and we emerge from the
book covers feeling a new benevolence
toward our fellow humans. A little
book of poetry that just answers this
formula is "Chimneysmoke," by Chris-
topher Morley. the genial whimsical,
entertaining column conducter of the
New York Evening Post.
"Chimneysmoke," in contrast to the
wierd, anarchistic free verse that over-
loads our magazines nowadays, is
simple and unaffected, revealing an ap-
preciation of every-day life that is sel-
dom expressed by poets of this rest-
less era. Over the commonplace
events of a common life Christopher
Morley casts a delicate imagination
and turns his musings into the most
delightful verse. To this poet life is
anything but monotonous, even if it is
made up of commuting back and forth
on the 5:42, of washing dishes, of
furnace firing, and of administering a
modest household. He sings charming-
ly, dedicating a new fireplace, or mus-
ing over the names in a telephone
directory, or apostrophizing his ink-
stand. He puts home and the hearth-
fire into rhyme and rhythm, and we
wonder that we never before saw the
romance and the color in the things
that are so constantly about us.
"Chimneysmoke" is a delightful even-
ing's entertainment.
Tea Time in Tibet
(What we think it will probably be
— of course it won't. . . . )
Never in the history of Illinois op-
era has there been such a hilarious
success as was "Tea-Time in Tibet".
At one minute the audience felt its
heart-strings being plucked by the
pathos and tragedy of the production
and at the next was sent off into peals
of Bachannalian laughter.
The story is that of the romance of
a Tibetian Lama and Goldie Croesus,
the daughter of the American Alarm
Clock King. Goldie, who has become
acquainted with the Lama through a
matrimonial agency, is coming to look
him over when she is captured by a
new religious order, called the Mag-
wallas, composed of wicked, fat Chin-
amen of the under-world, who wish to
make her their priestess. She assassin-
ates three of them, disguises herself
as a college freshman, and flees to Ti-
bet where she takes refuge in the
tombs of the ancient Lamas. Here she
is discovered by Shimshin, the present
Lama, who places her in his harem.
He wishes to sacrifice her to Zither,
his god, and they play a game of po-
ker to decide whether or not Goldie
shall be killed. She loses, but just as
Shimshin is about to offer her up, a
troop of American cavalry looms into
sight over the plateau and saves her
life. Of course Shimshin turns out to
be the son of an American millionaire
and Goldie decides to marry him any-
way.
This is just the sort of entertain-
ment that the Tired College Student
needs. It is full of brilliant costum-
ng and displays of creamy white arms
and shoulders, melodious music and
clever lines. Miles Heberer does a pas-
sionate rendition of Shimshin, and
sings "You Have Flapped My Heart
Away" in tones to make one's blood
stand on end. His lovely soprano
voice reminds on of water rushing
down the rain-spout on its way to the
sea.
Goldie is a captivating heroine, and
one cannnot blame Shimshin for fall-
ing in love with her when one sees
what he was used to in his own harem.
Her voice was especially pleasing
when she sang, "Homme, Sweet
Homme." The flat-footed priestesses
)f the Temple of Tibet danced as Marie
Helen McLane drilled them to, poor
souls, but their costumes helped some.
The final cabaret scene in which they
appeared was full of color, due to the
( Continued on page twenty)
[18]
SIREN
pi i lll l lMinJl i li " "N i f i 'IMI i n i M | iii/llh i nw il MI I MM |l | B I II I I MmH rrr iM ' nMM ii/ i Mi iriui|iMlliMIIIMII»M|MM | ii un T M Ti . rii^iniTTiiiiii iniiii i niMM i M i MM ii nMi)| iiii n |ii i i / w » | M |ll|^
Not So Catching
•■I lif:u- yi)m- fatlier is ill".
"Ves. iiuite ill".
•■Contagious disease?"
"I hope not ; the doctor says it's
ovi'i-work". — Carncfjir Puppet.
8
Comes Natural
"I woiider why so many of the
osteopathic doctors are women?"
"Because women have a fond-
ness for •rubliing it in'."
— Portland a.I/c.q Express.
S
The Double O
"Whafs the score, -lim?" she
asked, arriving late at the game.
'•Nothing to nothing".
••Oh, goody I" she exclaimed.
"We haven't missed a thing'."
— HoiioIiiIk Stur-Bullrtiii.
S
On Second Thought
Patient : '•Doctor. I've known
y(m so long now that it woulil he
an insult for me to pay your hill,
so I've arranged a handsome leg-
acy for you in my will."
Doctor: '•Y(ni don't mean it —
I am overwhelmed — liy the way,
just let me take a look at that pre-
scription again." — Banter.
S
Richleigh (to caterer): "Have
you smoked herring tonight?"
Caterer: "No, thus far, only
Camels." — Pelican.
S
Lady, on street-car: "Do yon
stop at the Biltnioi-e, conductor?"
<'ouductor: "No ma'am, 1 was
in the army, not in a munition
factory." — Lampoon.
Wild West Etiquette
ICxcited Tenderfoot: "Did you
.see that?"
Alkali Ike: "See what?"
Tenderfoot: "That swiudhr
dealt himself four aces I"
Ike: "Waal, wasn't it his deal?"
— FlainuKjo.
S
He: ■•Here we are with a ]iuric-
ture, and no .jack."
She: "Haven't you got your
check book?" — Octopus.
S
How doth the gentle laundress
Search out the weakest joints
And always tear the buttons olf
At nmst strategic points? — Gohlin
S
She: "We really ought to have
a chaperoue," as they went into
the garden.
He: "Oh, we won't need one I
assure you."
S
•limmie: "What did she say
when you kissed her last night?"
His Friend: "She said I shoidd
come on Friday hereafter, as ijiat
is amateur's nigiit". — Medleij.
S
Right Is Right
••|to you lielieve doctors have a
right lo kill where they can't
cure?"
"Haven't they always been do-
ing it?"
— Baltimore Amerietin.
S
A Regular Cut-Up
"Doctca-, I've just received your
bill. Could you cut .inything off
for cash ?"
"Yes, my dear sir, anything — an
arm or a leg, or anytliing else yon
may wish removed".
— -Topics of till Daif Films.
S
.hdinuy — ilotbcr. do I have to
wash my face?
Mother — Certainly, dear,
.lohnny — Aw, why can't I just
])owder it, like yon do yours?
S
This Is a Two Dollar One
He: •'I'assed by your house last
night".
She (bored I: Thanks". — Jester
S
Soph: "Do you still go to sec
that little bruitette you went with
last winter?"
Soph - "She's married now."
Sojib 1 : •'Answer me!"
— I'lnieh lioirl.
Must Be Dr. Cupid
"I don't like your heart action",
said the doctor ajiplying his steth-
osc()])e.
"Yoti've had some trouble with
nugina ]iectoris. haven't you?"
••You're partly right, doc", an-
swered the young man sliee]iishly.
••Oidy that ain't her name".
—I'atli finder (Wash. D.C. )
S—
'Ward Pass, Too
Slie: What's the team le.iviug
tlu' liehl for?
It : It's the end of tlic half.
Slie: Vi't-U. I'm not surpri.seil.
It's a wouilcr they haxcn't killed
someone bef(.)re this.
— I'nrple Parrot.
[191
HREN
(Contiimed from page eighteen)
fact that they wore the best party
frocks of some of our cutest campus
co-eds. Most of their voices were base.
The song-hits of the evening, beside
those already mentioned, left bruises
which only time will heal. Before the
audience had a chance to escape, ush-
ers poured through it selling copies of
them. We all went home, tired, but
happy.
Special mention is due the. Marin-
ello Shop for the marcelle waves used
in the ship-wreck scene, to The Siren
for the use of Ted Bourland as the
lieathen god, and to the Chinese Stu-
dents Club for their efficient acting as
the villains of the under-world in the
Magwalla scene.
The Queen of Sheba
"Standing room only" — pretty wo-
men in thi-? picture — Betty Blythe
sleeping on wave washed rocks — I'll
bet the stones hurt her bare feet —
Betty Blythe in queenly robes — beads
— more beads — royal chariot races to
the tune of jazz music — Sheba is los-
ing her robe — ah! we knew the queen
would win.
I'd be wary of that jealous a woman
if I were the queen — King Solomon
without a beard — King Solomon talk-
ing English — King Solomon looks like
a Shakespearean actor — It's Fritz Lie-
ber — King Solomon wears many robes
— "consider the lilies" — crowds gather
more quickly around the ancient pal-
ace when the king yawns than on
Michigan avenue when a truck
smashes a flivver — the thousand wives
are convenient for those crowds —
Solomon would have pity on the
natives, they'll get too thin doing
those worshipful calisthenics — Sol-
omon's brother is going to start
trouble pretty soon — the battle be-
gins — wish those boys down on the
front row would keep still, they waked
up- the little prince — it's awfully
stuffy in this theatre ....
Sheba's troops marching across the
desert — from Egypt to Israel In 15
minutes! — and they crossed the same
sand dune five times — 1 counted them
— this mu"t be the scene in which
Betty got sunburned — many bloody
battles — wish they'd hurry up and
come to the happy ending — that lit-
tle boy is the best actor in this pic-
ture — he's handsome, too — the lovers
meet once more — Pshaw! Sheba is go-
ing back to Egypt — Solomon is too
wise to be happy — fade-out.
— T. S.
I'll Say He Did
"Did the doctor know what you
had'?'
"He seemed to have a pretty
accurate idea.. He asked for .flO
and I had |11
— Boston Trdiixi-rijit.
S
He — "Would you care t(t dance
this dance?"
She — "Yes, would you mind ask-
ing someone for me?"
S
Lady (to guide in Yellowstone
Park) — Do these hot springs ever
freeze over?
Guide — Oh, yes! Once last
winter a lady stepped through tiie
ice here and burned her foot.
S— —
Fair Customer (to salesman dis-
playing modern bathing suit) —
And you're sure this bathing suit
won't shrink?
Salesman — No, miss; it lias
nowhere to shrink to. — Life.
*
1
I
Good things
from 9 climes
poured into a
single glass*
Delicious and
Refreshing
The Coca-Cola Company
atlanta. ga.
[201
SIREN
What College Does for the
American Man
l-"c)iir years of collctjc I'lhu-at ion fiivc
I lie Aiiicricaii mail a lirsl mort.>;a<:(' on
a ili|>l()iiia, s I' V (' 11 serious all'aires
(raiiioiir. four assoiied vest iiisters.
iiieiiiories of fifteen "Ixtsom friends",
two Imndi-ed eij^Iifeeii lifeloii}; enemies,
twelve iiu-lies of pnlilieity (ineliidin^
("aiiipn.s Scout), one live-ineli cigarette
lioldcr, llil-ee dozen jiairs striped socks,
oiie-liiiiidred seventy pounds of di-i\vel
in volume sand notes, de luxe editions
of Scliopeuhaucr, Omar, and Sane Sex
l,i\iiij;. one nail-tile, one cataloj;iie<
stock of extra-curriculum ''stories",
ami one jiart in the middle.
I'our vears of collejje life teach the
American man to lie blase, c.vniial,
skeptical, supercilious, atheistic, ami
don't-give-a-damning; lo eat shrim|i
salad and 4:30 steaks; to drink what is
set liefore him; to sleep at will; to lial
a nee a deficit of 137.52; to evince pro-
fouml knowledge on any subject; to
keep four ladies' vanity boxes and
guessing; to write love lettei's within
the law; to kiss or leave her alone; and
to work for what thi're is in it.
■ — S
1 I
That I'ired Feeling
Kide and the girls ride with you ;
Walk, and you walk alone;
I'or the flappers these days are set in
their ways —
TIh'v like a guy with a car of his own.
— Panther.
S
Algernon (city cousinl : What has
that cow got the bell strapped •round
her neck for?
IJobby: That's to call the calf when
(limicr's ready.
— 77k lite: Sinr.
■ S
"Thafs the guy Tin laying for"', .said
IJie hen as liie farmer crossed the vard.
Columbus was glad to see
the U. S. A. after his long trip.
And when he could throw a
rope ! A lucky strike for him.
/
LUCKY STRIKEJ
i
I When we discovered the toasting
I process six years ago, it was a Lucky
I Strike for us.
J "Why ? Because now millions of
I smokers prefer the special flavor of
I the Lucky Strike Cigarette — because
It's Toasted*
i "k — which seals in the delicious Burley flavor
I And also because it's
[21]
miEN
+ — ™
Your Account
Will Be Welcome
At This Bank
No red tape and no charges
for opening an account
with us
First State Bank
URBANA
4. . 4.
"'"+ "If all tlic woi-ld were mine to
give—"
How ol'teii lias that yai-ii
]!een told hy <;ents so iiidigeilt
Tiiey couldn't give a darn?
S
Blase college student — "Society
is so shallow, Claiidiiie."
Coed — "It is a good thing it is,
or half the people who are wad-
ing in it would be drowned."
S
Freshman — "Say. -lini. what
are cosmetics?"
AVise Senior — "Cosmetics ai'e
]>ea(h iiresei-ves."
S
Heard the week of the Junior
prom : Sorority ]iledge entering
hreathles.sly to announce trans-
]>orts that arrived on the noon
train.
S
Frosh at football game, as
crowd yells "Stick" — "(Josh,
which one is he? He's real popu-
lar, isn't he'?"
Just Recieved
A Shipment
of
Crane's
Kara
Linen
At YOUR Store
<s>
Engineers' Co-op
Society
J. R. Lindley, Manager
Boneyard and Mathews
URBANA. ILL.
<.., —
One of the
Beauty Spots at Illinois
^y^^ take great pride in
the beauty of our confec-
tionery. 11 just suits those
who desire i)leasant s)ir-
ronnilings when they eat
or drink.
l?i-eakfasfs
riate Lunches
Sandwiches
Salads
lloniemade I'ie
Cake
Fancy Drinks
Prehn & Henningsen
Green at Sixth
We Cater to Parties
+ — ,
!
I
I
1
I
I
I
I
It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly
1 I
I 1
1 I
! I
! I
'"' ' "" "" '"■ ' ii-^'i»j*
I
More resilient and more nearly skid-
proof than any other tire ever made and
giving amazing mileage yet costing no more
than other standard cord tires — no wonder
the new Kelly Kant Slip cord has leaped
into immediate popularity.
CHURCHILL, BENGSTON & MILLER
URBANA. ILL.
[22J
JIREN
!
!
1
I
I
+-
When you open up your wai'drobe for
your Spring cleaning and pressing —
Send it to Gordon's
511 South Goodwin
Main 423:! or 3461
Ne Plus Ultra
I c:iii look .11 pictures coniif.
Hark to funny sonjjs liariuouic.
•lust to get an inspiration I'm- a pocui :
I'll appreciate their Ininior.
liul a storv. jest, or rumor
A\"ill fail to wake a tIioui;lit williiii uiy donu'.
I can sit for many Lours
Till my disposition sours
Chewing on a pipe or smoking up a stogie:
j3ut the witty touch I hoi)e for
i need no longer grope for.
fVheu I hear an Indoor golfer talking IJogie.
-S-
1 love Clarice, and she loves Dan.
And Dan loves sweet Marie.
-Marie loves Fi-ank. and Frank loves Aww
And Ann's in love with nie.
From a Nature Faker's Note Book
Little Willie, having fun. shoxcd the lamrod down
the gun.
-Now. the tiling that I can't liguer. is why the hear
don't pull the triggiM-.
S
Lament
1 wrote an ode on ancient things,
.V pair of brognes all broken out,
A sabre old. some tarnished riny;s.
1 knew I'd sell beyond a doubt.
I wrote it well and called it. "Dust,"
But editors my ho])es demolish.
Tliey would not take my verse on rust :
I'or they all swore it had no polish.
A 'li.-i.
-+ +■•
I
Drop in
Between Classes
or at Noon
Our drinks are
the best in town
and we serve
special noon
lunches for stu-
dents from 11:-
30 to 1:30.
IS0S0
NOURISHING, STRENGTHENING
DURING ACTIVE SCHOOL
MONTHS
The Original
Relieves the fatigue of study and exercise.
Delicious, concentrated n u t r i t i o n that
strengthens, refreshes and invigorates.
Satisfjing and economical as a daily
luncheon. Keep a jar in powder or lunch
tablet form in your room.
AVOID IMITATIONS
Write for sample and lor booklet on
its many advantage.s for tlie student
and athlete.
HORLICK'S, Racine, Wis.
•+ +-— -
[231
JElEll
Before the Dance
YOU NEED TOILET ARTICLES
— From-
The Green St. Pharmacy
"Berf SPAULDING, Prop.
Strauch's
for
STATIONERY
ForXTAIN PENS
ELECTRIC LAMPS
riRlvERS. ETC.
COLLIOdE JEWELRY
MEMORY BOOKS
KODAKS
(JREETING CARDS
I'ICTURES
GIFTS
The Home Of Good KoiUik Fiiii.sliiinj
STRAUCH PHOTO-CRAFT HOUSE
+ —
I
I
Are You Particular
about Food Qualities?
The more you are
the better you'll like
OSTRAND'S
606 S. Third
G. A. OSTRAND PAUL GRADY '22
I
.,.4.
Symphony of Spring
1 sit on the slinrcs of tlic swii'liiij; silvcvv si ream,
AVliicli sings swoct soiifis of siiiiiiy spaces,
Seekiiij; fioiii llie s|niiiie of tlie spray,
Sijjiis of spiiiig.
1 see some.
Tlie Ijiil^bliiiy brook liieaks boldly beyond.
Against the base of bii-elies.
Rent on bearing before, bottles, bricks, bones,
A\'liicli border its banks;
Becanse black blasts of blizzards
Have borne them within ils bonndaries.
Beware, I bear on.
Why wait witii weejiing willow,
A\'ondering where the water wends its way
It were worse than wearing whites,
And wishing winter's waning.
Why not waken to wiles of woman,
^^'andering not weary over ways
^^'orn by wet wheels as wanton winter wastes?
1 wonder why.
The lilting langhter of lasses.
Livens the laymans legacy on life.
As Luna's luster lights the length of lo\e and life;
1 Some of the
j Most Popular Courses
1 at Illinois
Are those olfered by the Twin City
Cafe.
They are electives, to be sure, bnt
you have a large variety to select from.
A pioperly-balan:-ed curriculum is
not complete withont some of these
food courses.
TWIN CITY CAFE
Number 2—621 E. Green
Numlier 1—309 N. Neil
.,,+ 4...
[24]
SIREN
Si) lifts lasses the labors of living
With lissdiuc little lies
( »f liiicafjc loiig-ayo.
I'll as lirf liiifici- loiijicr.
I''(ir wlicii flowers riiillei- I'oi'lh lo fare willi the
flamingo,
III llie fllil of followiliii (lie flii;lil of free/.iiii; frosts:
I'laiiiint; feniiiiiiie fealliers flicker.
As the foliage of the forest flillers lo and fro-;
And floweis, and flocks, and faith, and fruits.
And flidfs, and fiirlielows, and frills fete nie.
■'Pis fate that fortune oilers not a feiiiiiiine flown.
When followini; sprinii flies forth,
I sit on the short of the swirling, swishini; sire.'iiii
Seekiiii; from the spniiie of the s|iray,
Siyns <»f spring,
I see some. — Misof/i/nisl.
■
-+
i
♦Apologies to Call Haudljurg.
Editor's note — Tliis poem has been written to be read
alter the manner of Vachel Lindsey, to the accompaniment
of Ptnbenstein's "Melody in F".
■ s
That Dressed Up
Feeling
You all enjoy the thrill of
correct attire. It can on-
ly be experienced by the
proper selection of your
clothes.
Mail is a scholar, ea^cr indeed to learn.
But most forgetful haviuj> learn'd,
— BiirlKDian: ••The Drama of Kings.'-
^Ivim
C/ CLOTHES SHOP eareful selection
"Clothes Th.it M.ikt Iho Man'— 510 E. Green
^>
STYLED
FOR.
YOVHC TVfEIV
KEATURE DERBY -
One of the new Stetsons
setting the styles for
Spring. Medium crown
and round, open curl.
4...
+„.
I
I
■■'+■
I
ODeaH^
Cafeteria
610 East Green St.
STETSON HATS
JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphi.n
Popular Prices
[25]
jmm
-*
The Coffee
that made "Sam'
famous
Whistle
Inn
TRY OUR
AFTER LIBRARY
LUNCHES
Try oiii' Sugnr Wjil'fles nod
Donffhniits
Across from the
Chem Building
If Only
All.' sweet Jlarie.
Ildw gnllnntly
I could siiisi' words of |)r;iis(':
How iU'deutly.
I'k-statically
I'oiiit our your darliui; ways —
If 1 but felt that they were so.
Or that you rated i»raise, hut No
I am afraid it cannot he:
You do not rate it — Sweet Marie.
S
Caddie (to golfer hadly hunk-
ered, with opponent well on the
sir. You never know; the other
green) : Don't give np the hole,
gcntleniau might have a tit.
— Boston Transcrijil .
S
Words to the Foolish
A 1 !)!'() model vampire may he
made over into an excellent V.yi'l
style flapper by means of bobbing
the hair, shortening the skirts,
and jiaralysing the intellect.
Content comes loith elcctri-
eily. — Electric A1.
WHEN you purchase an
electric Lamp buy it at a
shop where you will find
service when you need it.
We are famous for our elec-
trical dependability. You w-ill al-
ways find good selections to
choose from and all attractively
priced.
"-•j.
"Milk-Fed" Poultry
There is a difference in
our Milk-fed Poultry
HCbTCLS CAF£S
P(ri(n3 CARS
FRAT£RN{T(£S
51 ehester Street
/— N/MM 30S
PA<:;«£(? 6F
GAR 1536
n£AT 5f>£^(A(lT(£S
Cr-1E£5E
1-1. PAUL TICK MGR.
GhATnp6,i6n 111.
+-»
r2fi]
jm£N
To His Heart a Key
(Continued from page sixteen)
sipiaiT pill. Kiiida pfcltv lliiiii;, I liiiiii;li." riMiiiiiis
(•('111 l.v.
"Helen, wiint ;n-e yon sayiiij; ?" lie was iievci-
sure wlietlier lie slwiuk lief or mil. nl'leiw anls. ■•Ymi
acliiall.v mean il didn't lieloiifi to yon?"
••(!((()cl nij;lit ! I ne\'ei- said it evet- lielon^cd to
iiie any time, did I? What's all tlie I'nss ahoiit, any
liow? I've siiw lots prettier jiins than that in my
lime, if it's style you're talkiiij; ahoiil. 1 round that
on tlie front \\alk of a place I worked at last siini
nier and wore it some, nntil the <;irl who lixcd there
said it helonfjed to her, and then, of course, I <;a\('
it liack. Let me j;('t out. I'm sleepy, ,iiid if the old
iiian'd hapiien to wake up I'd sure lict a cnssin'."
lie nevei' went hack.
Two years later, (Jeorge received in his mail
a neat little packa<>e containing a cojiy of the sea-
son's best seller; really the thing had created an aw-
ful furore: He'd not read it yet — meant to, of course.
His eye caught the author's name written on the fly
leaf. An autographed copy. Well, that last deal had
heeli a jiretly |)r(Uiiineiil one. ligiired up in I he news-
papers a lot he read furl her.
"Willi the ccinipliiiieiils of Helen Ordhaiii
(alias Higginsi to the man who made possilile this
conipreliensive study of a reliilionsliip e.xistin;; lie-
I ween two American classes,"
'. s
I've smelt limliurger cheese in Hie snmiiier.
And had heavyweiglits sle]) on my corn;
Keen rolihed both by crook and by ]iliinilter.
Had the phone ring at four in the iiioin.
I've had crackers place(l iiuilei- my coM-rs,
And fly-paper under my col ;
\ot one gives the awful sensation
Of a hot bath that '(larn if aint hot.
I
The IN MAN
BARBER SHOP
Manicuring
Shines
Wilson and Percifield
K. & B. Typewriter
Paper
75c Per Ream
This jiaper is a good clean while sheet
of line texture and surface. Where ever
it is sold it invariably repeats, and is
an excei>tioually good value.
I
I
I I
1 i
i 1
1 I
1 I
! !
I 1
— »— .+
+
W<; Lead in Every Li)ic We Carry
Knowlton & Bennett
Urbana
I i
1 I
1 I
! i
I !
I
I
i
I
WE HAVEN'T MUCH
TRADE BUT WHAT WE
HAVE IS
VERY
CLASSY
CAVANAUGH BILLIARD
PARLOR
Over Twin City No. 2
Kl) CAVANAUGH
[271
SmEN
The Persona] WrJtini Machine
THAT'S how easy it is to
pay for Corona, the
little 6} 2-pound typewriter
you can fold up, take with
you, write with anywhere.
Phone us today for a free
demonstration.
R. C. WHITE & CO.
612 E. Green
!Did He Get It !
Doc: "You cough easiei- tliis
morning."
Very Patient: "I ought to, I've
been in-acticing all night."
— Virgin ia Reel.
H
"I wish YOU wouldn't iuterrui)t
Hie. Vou drove .something clean
nut of my head".
"Really? I didn't know you had
anything clean in it". — Luinixxn).
S
Tretty Thing (to football try-
out) : "In what position do you
play?"
Feetballer (Iilushiug i : "P.eut
<(ver". — Gargoyle.
S
''Pop! Did they play baseball
in Noah's time?"
"No, my boy, I believe not".
"Why didn't they, Pop?"
"Wet grounds, I guess".
— Yonkcrs l^lafesmaii .
The
Difference
Between good Printing
and bad Printing is a
matter of only a few dol-
lars in its manufacture;
but in its comparative re-
sults there is an inestim-
able difference in value.
stationery, Dance Pro-
grams, Tickets and all
kinds of Commercial
Printing.
Desks. Chairs and Fil-
ing Cabinets, Office out-
fits.
Pease Print Shop
22 Main St. Garfield 224G
CHAMPAIGN
4.„_„ ,_.. .„_. — ,„„„ . , , ,._.„_,u ■,. . . , . — ,._„_.„_,._,„_,._.._.+
DICK MINER
Plumbing and Heating Contractor
/^- -.HI
Z^^B"
i
IDEAL HEATING
BOILERS
PJHUie Main r>()l
219 West Main Street
URBANA, ILLINOIS
„ , „_,„ ._.U_J „_„_,„,_,._„_»_„_,. „_„ ._.,_„._„_„_. ._., „_,._„_„_„_„_.+
[28]
JIfi£N
READ!
With the Aid of Right
Lighting !
Arithmetic, grammar and
spelling — tough propositions
for children. Yet, like the
help of an older mind, right
lighting can do its part to
make them easier. Won't you
let us help solve your lighting
problem?
CHANDLER
ELECTRIC
SHOP
107 W. Main St,
How to Get a Reputation *
for Intellii^ence
\\'c;ir (orloisc shell rims. Keep
still iiiosl iif the (imc. Add "ami
all lliiU: s(U-| (iT lliiii;;" In cvciv
iciiiaiJc yon make. Look liorcd.
S
I'^tisscr : 1 waul a leave of ali
seiice for ovei- the weeU-cml lo
visK my sister in Chicago.
Dean Kinicklyl How long lia\i'
yon known iiei-?
I'nsser: (alisenl-mindedly I —
Ahont Iwo weeks.
S
-+
Foreign .student lo histoiy pi-ol'.
— "Did yoti mean that we were to
read till of those references or
simply over look them ?"
-S
"And now, my dear brethein,
what shall I say more?" thnml
ered the Rev. Longwind.
"Amen," came in sepuchral
tones from the sttidents' corner.
Bidweirs
Hot
Peanuts
iiiitiiiiiiiiii
Best
on the
Campus
MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY
Neil and University Avenue
CHAMTAIG-V, ll.I..
We Are Especially Well
Equipped in Our Rug
Department
E\i:KV'nil.\(; in llome JMirnish
ings. A mosi (•(HM|i!ele line of
I'ninitme. for every room or use in
the home.
Featuring all reiniiremenls for
<"InI)s. Fraternity, and Sororilv houses.
[29]
Their Qualil v has wiped out
price distincHon in cigarettes
\bu cant hel p but lij^ them!
They are DIFFER ENT-T^ey are GOOD
HREN
We want that
party order—
You want good goods
and satisfactory
service
We make it RIGHT
and deliver it
ON TIME
'NUF SED
i
4..:
Berry man Bakery
213 South Neil
Oh the iniij to inint
„™+.
Tut, Tut, Eve !
\\'lii'ii Adam in liliss askcil lOvc
I'dP a kiss.
She innUcrcd iicr li|is willi a cdu;
(iavc looks so ocslalic. a iiswcicil
('nii)liatic.
1 don't care A-dani if I do.
— Thi- liii:: Saic.
y
"Are tliosc I'fifjs I'resli?"'
"Fresh, iiinnr.'" icplicd tiic vit-
acioiis dealer. ••\\'liy, I lie liens
lliat laid (hem ef>jis ain't even
missed "em yet."
— liiriiiiiiiil"! Ill \< trx.
S
".My dear," called the wile to
her Imshand in the next room,
"what are you openinji that ean
with'.'"
""Why with a can ojieuer. wliat'il
you suppose'.'"
"Well I thouj^lit from your re-
mai'ks that yon were ahont I0
open it with i)rayer."
— Exehauge.
T. M. Bacon
& Sons
■t
!
I
WHOLES alii:
RKTAIL
Paints
Glass
Wall Paper
Chanqjai^n
^m mi III. Hi; "n "it
I
I
I
I
m
I U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square
I
<v
I
SV
(:)
I
i
I
I
I
••V'
1'
i
i
Spring is Coming—
Golf Clubs
Spring Poetry
Base Ball Outfits
Smoking Materials
Memory Books —
Well, what do you want? See us.
U. of I. Supply Store
ON 'I'lIK SQUARE
I^*^^§$^i5^'^^$-^^|r^i
HREN
+ — , — .,_, — ,._„ — , — , — „ — , — ,„ —
» — ■*
^
Designs
EHrckings
Colorpla^es
PKo+o-EngraVings
/i^ ^°' — ^'
J-idyJertisino
J-airposes
G.R.GRUDD 8 Co.
Champaian. Illinois
^ , , , .,_.,_, , , , ,4.
Spring Styles for Men
S|ii-iiifi styles for iiicii sliow ;i little e;isiii<; at
tlie Wiiistliue, witliont the loss of grace or the eliiii-
iiiatiou of the chlcness of the Kii<;lisli silhouette.
Lapels are longer. Althoiijih the wing collar has
been favored in some (pnu-ters, those who dictate de-
cree say that it is i)asse. Lord Lewellyn Broadhurst,
lately arrived at Xewi)ort, has never been seen wear-
ing one. The most ladical change is being made in
cravats, which show a marked tendency toward the
anarchistic; this was developed recently through
the visits made to Russia by some of the most prom-
inent eastern tailleurs. Jaunty patent leather bloii-
cher styles replace the heavier, rougher brogue for
spring. ►Scarfs, particularly those worn with even-
ing dress, show a charming variation from fringe
to tassels in trimming; silk liats have been raised
in the crown and lowered about the ears. The well-
dressed man will not neglect the accessories — those
small articles that mean so much in the eusendde
effect of good tailoring. There are the new cigar-
ette cases, fashioned charmingly of scented woods;
effective new sticks with jade hamlles; pairs of very
small side-burn brushes that can conveniently be
carried in an inside pocket; and smart white kid
gloves with fancv stitching.
ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY
PRINTERS AND PUBLISHERS
[32]
From A Faint Blue Glow
To Modern Miracles
T^ DISON saw It first — a mere shadow of blue light streaking across the
^~* terminals inside an imperfect electric lamp. This "leak" of elec-
tric current, an obstacle to lamp perfection, was soon banished by
removing more air from the bulbs.
But the ghostly light, and its mysterious disappearance in a high
vacuum remained unexplained for years.
Then J. J. Thomson established the electron theory on the trans-
mission of electricity in a partial vacuum — and the blue light was
understood. In a very high vacuum, however, the light and appar-
ently the currents that caused it disappeared.
One day, however, a scientist in the Research Laboratories of the
General Electric Company proved that a current could be made to pass
through the highest possible vacuum, and could be varied according to
fixed laws. But the phantom light had vanished.
Here was a new and definite phenomenon — a basis for further re-
search.
Immediately, scientists began a series of experiments with far reach-
ing practical results. A new type of X-ray tube, known as the Coolidge
tube, soon gave a great impetus to the art of surgery. The Kenotron
and Pllotron, followed in quick succession by the Dynatron and Mag-
netron, made possible long distance radio telephony and revolutionized
radio telegraphy. And the usefulness of the "tron" family has only
begun.
The troublesome little blue glow was banished nearly forty years
ago. But for scientific research, it would have been forgotten. Yet
there is hardly a man, woman or child in the country today whose
life has not been benefited, directly or indirectly, by the results of
the scientific investigations that followed.
Thus it is that persistent organized research gives man new tools,
makes available forces that otherwise might remain unknown for
centuries.
General®Electric
Ceneial Office
Company
Schenectady, N. Y.
95-473HD
GORDON
'^Arrow shirt
for College Men
CLUETT,PEABODY ^CO. INO/fl/^ers, T ROY, N. Y.
*
jmEN
UmVEBSITT Of lUI '■
i DEDICATED TO NEUROSIS, DECADENCE AND^^ffff
r
I
I
I
I
I
APRIL
MCMXII g
gf^-^J.^Vis'i.^V-f^iJl^V-i^isVV^V-^ii^^V-^J^^V ^^^
JOS. KUHN & CO.
How to Smile!
It's a great thing to be able to greet the
rising sun witli a smile — to oiitsing the
early songbirds that flutter around your
window, while dressing — in short to be
glad you are alive.
One thing that helps a fellow to greet the
world with a feeling of gladness is the
knowledge that from the shoes and hose
that cover his feet to the felt or straw hat
that covers his head, his clothes are cor-
rect.
The Jos. Kuhn & Co. store has always
made a specialty of handling clothes that
are correct — clothes that the most fasti-
dious man can be proud to wear — no mat-
ter what the occasion. But while our
styles are the latest, by cutting profits to
a minimum, we have kept the price of our
high quality merchandise within the
reach of every man's pocket book.
There's clothes satisfaction in every bit
of merchandise sold by
Central Illinois Greatest Store for Men
33-35-37 Main Street
Champaign
Awarded First Place
by the Critics of America
■m
Whitman's famous candies are sold by
Vrhona
Mouyious Bros.
University Pharmacy, 505 S. Goodwin
Urhana Drug Company, 111 W. Main St.
Champaign
John Schuler &. Co.
Arcade Confectionery
0. A. ThornbiU)
Special
Illinois
Packagt
lOOEN
T. M. Bacon
& Sons
WHOLESALE
RETAIL
I
I
+..
+11.
i
s
I
Paints
Glass
Wall Paper
Champaign
Slie: "Half llie woiiieii lici-e
don't kiiDW liow to dress."
It : "And tlie other half (h)n"l."
— Pelican.
,|iij m „ iiii . „|, |„|
., .+
Father: "I've told yon time
and afiain not to see that yonng
man. and now for the last time 1
tell you not to have anything to
do with him."
iShe (sobing) : "Oh father, 1
want Jack, I do want Jack."
Father: "Alright. Here's a
Inindred dollars, Imt remember
what 1 saiil." — Octopus.
S
"T went to a wedding of a friend
of mine today."
"Well."
''And the minister stoi)]>ed a
minnte and said, 'AVho will give
the bride away?' "
"What abont it?"
"Well, I could liave; but I
didn't want to."
— Pinicli lioirl.
You will admire our
workmanship in all
lines of Dyeing and
Cleaning.
Carpets and Rugs Given
Special Attention
PARIS DYEING &
CLEANING WKS.
Call Main 1744
J
•I"" — '" — '"
i
i
I
'Milk-Fed" Poultry
There is a difference in
our Milk-fed Poultry
HOTELS CAF£S
PirKfSfi CARS
FRATGRfS(T{£S
soRC)Rirces
51 ehester Street
+-..
4mk^ Ti^i
PACKER 6F
r^/CMIM 305 ^^^^^ GAR 1536
1-1, PAUL TICK MGR.
[2J
C^El\T SPE^l/^LXiES \
I
GhAmp6.i6n HI.
JI6£N
*•—
Arcade
Barber Shop
Cushing Bros. I'roii.
IN ORDER
1
■•Cush"
2
"Sam"
3
"Roy"
4
"Mack"
5
"Curt"
Let us demonstrate the
Scott Sharpener, it gets
results from all the
safety blades in exist-
ence.
I see "Cush" He Knows
Firsl Olliccr: "Hid you {^ct
that fellow's iiMinlicr?"
Sccoml (Xlicrr: "No; lie was
i^oiii too fast."
]'"'ii'st Olliccr: "Sav, llial was a
tiiii' lookiiii; (lame in tliccai-.'"
Si'Cdinl (»lliccr: "Wasn't siic?
S
'rciii|i('raii(-e lA'ctiircr : "If I
lead a iloiikev U]) to a pail of water
and a pail of beer, wliicli will lie
chose ti> drink ?"■
Hoak: "The water."
T. L. : "And why?"
Soak: "Heeanse he is an ass."
— Chaparral.
-S-
"Waiter!"
'•Yes, sii-."
•What is this'.'"
••]t's l)eaii soup, sir."
••Xo matter what it has been;
what is it now?"
— Vir(/iiii(t Krrl.
READ!
With the Aid of Right
Lighting !
Arithmetic, grammar and
spelling — tough propositions
for children. Yet, like the
help of an older mind, right
lighting can do its part to
make them easier. Won't you
let us help solve your lighting
problem?
CHANDLER
ELECTRIC
SHOP
107 W. Main St.
IIREANA
Wanted!
A few more students to put their feet under our
tables about two or three times a day
Gilliland's Cafeteria
117 South Race Street— Urbana
[3]
jnxN
#'mttl)cnt '^caJRoom
LUNCHEONS
AFTERNOON TEAS
DINNERS
ROOMS FOR
BANQUETS AND PARTIES
"^.nlllHll""" Ill'""
Newbride: "Did ymi get seats
for tlie theatre, dearie'"
Him: "Yes, love. 1 got tUe
forty-third row."
>\e\vl)ride: "Oil, I'm so glad.
Tlie sliow won't bother lis a bit
baclv there." — Dirtjc.
S
"AVliy, Bob Siiiitli: How dare
you pass ine iij) on tiie street T'
"Oil, I beg yonr pardon, Milly.
You liave a new pair of slioes and
I didn't recognize you."
— The Phoenix.
Heatiny is our one big boast
We will make you warm as
toast.
— from the proverbs of Mr. Quick
IS your house comforta-
ble? Is there plenty of
heaf? No. Well, why
not ask us to help you out.
We find the way and teli
you the cost at once.
L. W. Apperson
URBANA
120 S. Race St.
1
I Main 906
s
I
* —
DICK MINER
Plumbing and Heating Contractor
IDEAL HEATING
BOILERS
Phone Main 5(J1
219 West Main Street
URBANA, ILLINOIS
t
[41
I
smm
Telephone Lines
(Statistics prepared by the class in English Conversation)
Women
1. "I'll have to break that date; you see my aunt (1),
mother (2), friend (142) just dropped in and I have to en-
tertain her. I'm awfully sorry (256)."
2. "I think I can go; did you say for dinner (322)?"
3. "You never speak to me when 1 see you on the
street (12), on the street-car (18), in your car (118)."
4. "He's awfully slick (228). attractive (204), cute
(169)?, sarcastic (342), conceited (495)." "He's a dear
(780)."
5. "That's a good line (144); that's what they all
say (427); that's just what you told my roommate last
week (961)."
Men
1. "I'll see you at church (1), at my eight o'clock
(2), Monday (2). Saturday night (643)."
2. "Say, man, we've got some stuff lined up (50)4
some bonded stuff (2), some grape wine (4). some moon-
shine (44). Do you know where I can get a quart (1,190)?"
3. "I've been trying to get you for two weeks (127).
but the phone was out of order (10), but the line was
busy (110).
4. "Is this the repair shop? When will my car be
fixed (3)? When will my shoes be fixed (937)?"
5. "How did you make out in Acounting (356): I hit
it hard (1), fairly well (6), missed the last question (21),
missed all the questions (121), didn't go (298)."
— Exchange.
Confessions of a vSuicide
It sci'iiis lliat 1 liad liccii staiidiii}; iiii llic l)fi(l;;('
riircvci-: ci'iitiiiics liad passed siiici' yesterday when
slic liad told ine that we could iievei- marry. -My
life, my holies, my every amhition had heeii sliat-
tered by lliose Icll words of hers. Ts it heller to live
oil. or seek the (|iiicl of t lie si ream lieliiw. I womhTed.
A iiassiiij;- motor rou.sed me Irom my stii|«ir. Tiie
lace at the window was hers, and in aiiolliei's arms.
"Stoii". my better sense warned, "it may lie only an
innocent little peltiiifj- jiarly", lint it was too late,
loo late. My lirst impnlse on strikin;; the water was
to .swim, and swim I did until my strenj^th Tailed,
for I bad eaten and the water was deathly cold.
A green mist formed before my eyes; and through
its garnet medium I reviewed the events of my life.
My body became strangely bonyant. and then a scaly
crust seemed to enshroml my whole frame. "Is
this', I screamed, "the ]iuni.shment destined for a
suicide". My scream seemed to be the saviour of my
being; for the scales fell from niy eyes, and things
became rational. Something liickleil down my fore-
head, it is blood 1 Ihoiighl. The blood letting cleared
my brain, and 1 oiiened my eyes— yes, the damn roof
was leaking again.
— Dan Allen
U. of I. SUPPLY STORE-On the Square
Spring Is Coming—
Golf Clubs
Spring Poetry
Base Ball Outfits
Smoking Materials
Memory Books —
Well, what do you want? See us.
U. of I. Supply Store
l^^^^^^^^J^^^^^
ON THE SQUARE
[5]
HREN
^HiiuiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiniiiMiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiMiiaiiiiiiiMiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMaiiiMiiiiiiiuiiJMiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiin^^
BASEBALL!!
A Prerequisite for a Degree
How about it ? Would you be in favor of requir-
ing every student to attend the baseball games?
Any Illini who couldn't enthuse over a game of
baseball would be a nice representative of the
tribe, wouldn't he?
This may be beside the point, however; for
every student we know is so anxious for the
games to start that he can hardly wait.
We do our part toward boosting baseball by car-
rying all the supplies. We have a complete line of
baseball equipment.
tuDml;^u]jplijt^lrore
"Cluick" Bailey
"Shelbv" Himes
;,iuiiMiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiMiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiRiiiiiiiiiiii[)iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiii uiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiin niiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiio iiiiiiQiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiin'
[6]
JICEN
SCHOLASTIC
PASTIMES
II
Wondering How He Rates It
[7]
T. P. BouRLAND, Editor; George B. Switzek, Art Editor; J. A. Nuckoi.ln, Busiiiens Maiuiycr ; R. R. Fowi,i;i!, Assist-
G. V. Buchanan, Jr., ContrihtUing Editor; Jack Tuttle, ant Business Manayer; R. J. Webeu, Advertising Manager;
Exchange Editor; Hoken Hoie, Contributing Artist. R. H. Ferguson. Circiihition Manager.
Editorial Staff
A. L. Stbaus L. F. Trtggs
O. T>. BuROE D. C. ArxEN
ClIAS. E. NOYES
Business Staff
BtRT HlTRD
G. Zeiger
W. Meknts
P. Redemski
Hkih Fechtman
S. Fortier
Fl.OYD MOCHON
W. C. RUNKI.E
J. O. Keth
Mary Werts
Bruce Cowan
Ri TH Thrasher
Art Staff
G. V. Buchanan Dorothy Schulze
Beatrice Adams Helen Hottinger
Martin Topper Constance Freeman
M. R. Marx C. W. Bauohman
J. J. Bresee Elizabeth Boogs
Published monthly by the Illini Publishing Company, University of_ Illinois, during the college year. Entered as second-class matter at the
postoffice at Urbana, Illinois, by act of Congress, March 3, 1879. Office of publication, Illini Publishing Company. Subscription price, $1.50 the
year local, $1.75 by mail. Address all communications to 106 University Hall, Urbana, Illinois.
Dedication
BECAUSE: by reason of strike and flood and elections
and much talk in newspapers, this Earth seems hard
bound upon the comic canines, because men are a vexa-
tion and women a problem, because life is so short and
art so long, because graduation is impossible without im-
possible mathematics, because there are only twenty-four
hours in a day, and eminently because I, the editor, feel
that way about it, this issue of the Siren is here made
dedicate to those three principles which seemingly moti-
vate the lives of contemporary colegers; Neurosis, Deca-
dence, and Blah.
S
the high spiked wall of Academia. merit consideration in
this semi-occasional Siren? What is right to say of this,
of that, of the other? Shall we praise the Unit System?
Blame the Faculty Follies? Censure the Springtime?
Laud the politicians? Incinerate the Union? Bark at the
newest styles in Periwinkle Blue? Dredge the Boneyard?
Board up Crystal Lake Park? Or the reverse? Or does it
make any difference?
The last suggestion seems to us the most comfortable.
To our muttons then, with a light heart.
S
Recapitulation
Since last we were privileged to express ourselves in
editorial print much water has flowed under the local
Bridge of Sighs. The bosom of this murky flood has horn
many chips, big and little, all clamoring to high heaven
for attention. Our ponderous contemporary, the Daily
Illini, remarked of us once that we filled rather painfully
our two pages of comment, so in approaching these chips
a certain delicacy of discrimination is needful. What
events and institutions and happenings and erata, within
More System
There is this matter of Units. It seems that students,
banded together in the bonds of geographic location, will
naturally, through mutual activities in the baseball and
dancing way, attain that union in which strength abides;
this strength attained, it follows that student government
will be even more represenative. This is my own inter-
pretation, and I subject myself to correction.
One cannot in conscience avoid favoring such altruism.
Of course, the sentimentally inclined will regret somewhat
the passing of the corrupt, yet somehow dear, forms of the
aucicn regime. When the plotting groups about the Arcade
have vanished, when no more crafty cokes find their way
into the whistles of thirsty and grateful voters, when com-
mon democratic Honesty stalks alone at midday and
shrewd Geniality weeps in the dust— there will be reac-
tionaries still to weep the day. But 1, for one, will
have other things to weep over by then.
So let the purging spirit of the Unit System abide in
all glory. The Siren will support it as she supports all
idealists— with her whole amphibious heart — and a tinge
of pity.
[8]
smm
Pierrot Goeth Afield
The student opera, "Tea Time in Tibet", was produced
in Cliicago this year. Everybody had a grand time, as far
as I l<no\v. Even the audience was pleased. It is to be
lioped that this will in future years l)e regarded as a pre-
cedent, since there is no particular reason wliy Ilinois
and the Pierrots should not make as big a splash in tin-
show line as Michigan and others.
S
Encore Morals
In the last year the Literary Digest published a sym-
posium on the subject of youthful morals. The present
writer contributed thereto — something about an orchestra
leader's impression of a college dance. Now a letter comes
from the Digest, asking if morals have improved since
that time. The letter should be answered. Questions
arise:
1. Were young morals ever particularly bad — or good?
2. Do they change much from year to year?
3. Is not the trouble, after all, a matter of vulgarity
rather than immorality?
4. Or is vulgarity immoral?
5. Or immorality vulgar?
6. Are we. as Illinois young persons, better or worse
in moral and manner than other young persons?
One should offer a prize, I suppose, and call for essays.
But it would be terrible to have to read them. So just think
about it. fellow young persons.
s
Smut
A few college publications have of late been suspended
and otherwise disciplined for indulging in smut. Likely
enough, could one investigate the various cases thorough-
ly, the question would develop the usual two sides. View-
ing these cases from a distance, however, one is inclined
to say that justice had been done.
It is a regrettable truth that a glance through the ex-
change flies of college contemporaries will tend to implant
suspicion of the innate purity of modern youth. 1 quote:
;S7ie (plai/fulhi) — Let inc chrw your yumf
He (wore phtiifiilly) — Which one, upprr or lonerf
This, of course, is a flagrant example, in which impurity
and gross vulgarity mingle. It seems almost incredible
that such a pot-house quip could be printed at all; this
appeared in a university publication.
Other and less repulsive and more sugestive "wheezes"
appe:ir In the college brochures, world without end. Does
this, lliinlv you, signify that some miasma pervades the
modern air which decays the fabric of youlhfulness? Or
does it point to some grave elemental flaw in the texture of
the universities themselves? Possibly the universities are
not the civilizing agents which tliey in their very nature
should be. Possibly, on the other hand, they find the
freshman raw material too raw— not fit subjects for a civil-
izing process to affect. In either case, this matter of col-
legiate smut evidences a great national failure in the
matter of culture— a failure which the suspension of a
little magazine or so does not in any way mitigate.
Somewhere in the American heart lies the root of the
evil. Correction must proceed from the American uni-
versity, and method of correction must be more profound
and searching than that mere anodyne, discipline.
S
The E. E. Show
Did you ever see lightning strike twice in the same
place? Did you ever hear a tree talk? Ever see a per-
petual motion machine emote perpetually? Did you ever
see a a real live Volt stand up on its hind legs, bark, and
jump through a hoop? No, I am not spoofing; I was a
skeptic niy.self until I took in the Electrical Engineering
Show on the week end of the twenty-second instant. All
these things happened there. It was thus, and thus;
Tlie radio was given notable prominence throughout
the whole show. Music from the air was picked up in sev-
eral places. The large spark transmitter of the university
station was in operation and was viewed with awe. The
high frequency Tesla coil was spectacular in operation pro-
ducing sparks some eight or ten feet in length. The crowd
was treated to a miniature movie which exhibited such
phenomenon as electrons chasing themselves through the
confines of a vacuum tube, and several X-ray views of the
machinery in the articulation of our various and sundry
bones.
Mr. Clarence Conrad and the committee in charge are
truly to be congratulated on the way in which this splendid
stiow was handled and in the interesting and varied nature
of the exhibit. — L. T. B.
A Sop to Cerberus
As a nominally humorous publication, the Siren is
possibly expected to say something of the coming elections.
Have you noticed what odd weather we are having this
Springtide? They say it is caused by mistakes about the
flags on Uni Hall. I have often thought of sneaking up
there some night and hoisting a banner of Scottish plaid,
just to see what would happen. Yes .... the Siren is
probably expected to say something of the coming election.
[9]
MBEH
A Homely Disclosure on Useless
Knowledge
Et Verxo.v Kx.vrr.
I
< ) an aesthetic pliase of my mother's i>as-
sion for cleanliness, I frankly attribute
my appaling store of useless knowledge.
It was my mother's custom to shroud
ihosc lidiiseliold articles that would not be the better
for soap and water, in layers of newspaper. Xews-
])apers protected tlie section of tinted wall behind
tlie kitchen sink. New.spapers protected the wood-
work alKiut the wash stand, covered bureaus, papered
the cellar wall, draped the cu]iboard shelves. News-
papers were everywhere.
And it was my happy custom to forget the un-
])leasantness of whatever honschcdd duties it was
my lot to perform by losing myself in the fascinat-
ing columns which hung so convenientlv before mv
eves.
II
Often the papers told of notiung but tlii' liiitlis.
dentils, marriages and other misfortunes of the
world that haipjiened in and about Asliton. Hut I
remember i)biiu]y in a weekly slieet a learned article
that hung before my gaze for a week. I can almost
repeat it now, word for word, to the first row of
tacks that held it in place. I had waslied tlie
dishes each meal during
every day of the week with
my eyes glued upon it,
aiul I read it through each
time. It was a disser-
tation on the "Venus Fly
Trap." Tlieu I remember
a denouiiuatioual weekly
which kept the oilcloth
covering of the kitchen
table free from stain and
gave me a biased but con-
sistent view of church his-
tory. The iqiper and low-
er shelves of the range
were covered respectively
with sheets containing
topics on, "The Fall of
Rome" and "The Cause
of Democratic Disintegra-
tion.''
Then, too, there ap
peared at other times
around the shelf on which
the soap box rested many
giddy articles on. "My
(Continued on Page 20)
. - .»*M«r \
1
^^"--a^t^^
wm
kS
L
V'X\
1'.- Vv
i^^vjfe^
-^ V
^
\
.
y.
n^ "vC^c^'M
Jf!W^ * ^^^
^.
T^'\J0C>*^
11
iiM^w
^^^^F
1
E9 ^h^'-^B^cr
C^TiBI
I^^H ' — .. IP^P4>h
h^!!^^^^^
^^^^^^|^HPf!22^^^^^?s
^Sij^i^^m^^^
^"^^"^^it^V^Sr^
^tetl^
r^vfj^^^^
W
le; ■ ^1
• ' \
>\
..--^
,*i
-He
From the Nortli a vvliistle blew;
From the South, a gentle "Moo!"
James, pump full the drinking horn:
The milkman won't be 'round this morn.
Memoirs of a Campus Thespian
By One of Tue.m
"That part is yours; you are
highly honored. Tell all your
friends ; this is glory. And inci-
dentally, here's the script ; come
iiack tonight; know the first act."
I arose and, groping for my
hat, placed it upon my head. The
suspense, the brain strain was over. Tag, I was it 1
I thanked them, placed tlie book beneath my
arm. and bowed myself gracefully from the room.
(I fell over a cliair near the door, but that was no
matter for I looked about alertly as T got up to
make stire I was unobserved).
I was in a play. For weeks all tlie dramatically
inclined had been crawling, stealthily ujion this
part, casting sleek glances of resolve at their op-
ponents, and licking their chops in contemplation
of the jirize. Ilut I had reached it first. In my own
eyes I was some Perseus with a coveted head held
high.
I lay awake in my bed that midnight musing
on my good fortune as a child sucks contentedly on
a sweet stick of candy.
Mon Dii'U. till' rude awakening I "When I hinted
that I nnist leave at mid-
night sharp to survey for
a "Survey of English Lit-
ei-ature" ciuirse. they smil-
ed savagely and wagged
their heads. And the stage
director went so far as to
snap his fingers indepen-
dently and say: "Leave,
darn you ; we'll give your
part to the 'loiterer" !"
We had our pictures
taken; it was explained
that this was also glory in
view of the fact that our
faces would be put on post-
ers about the town which
was tine v*'ii''^<'iii'l adver-
tisement. The jihotog-
i-aplier arranged <>iir hands
and the coach read lines
of the jilay to create at-
mosphere — it gives one an
aesthetic feeling.
They pasted t h e
prints on posters and hung
[10]
I
JIREN
tlu'iii ill ri-c(|ii('iil('il |)l:ic('.s mImmiI iIic (Min|ins. I
jimssimI Ilicst- witii iioiiclialciifc s('\('ral liiiics in tlio
lU'Xt 1\v<i weeks, ^lancinji at tlieiii siieakiiifjly when
no one was al)oMt. a feelile jn-ide swellinjj my breast.
Hnt on one occasion my indi-ina-
lion asserted itself when I loiind
an unfeeling jiiece of fjiim stuck
Tipoii my dramatic innifji'.
The tii-st iU'^ht affixed as all
lifst nights are inclined to do. l>y
six o'clock the cast stormed the
theatre, donned the costumes and
a suitahle coat of greasepaint, and liy seven was
sitting nervously off-stage waiting for the ainlience
to asseiidde. It drifted in slowly with iidiunian
indifference, draping itself iu chattering solidity
over the chairs. We observed it throngh the peek-
holes after the stage-hand, with majestic procras-
tination, raised the asbestos — hungry for sympa-
thetic faces, scanned the conutenance of friend
and foe. Tlie api)ropriately excited we 1)lessed ;
the indiffei-ent we cursed: those who stayed at
home we damned.
No one in the cast was frightened. I 'No, never
lose my balance, y" know. So many parts in the
last tlivce years: play i>ositively bf)ring after a
while." I the coach was glad of this, but took on
a doubtful look when I tried to light a candle and
<lropped the match.
At 8:1.") they played the chiines, (all good
plays have chimes, yon knowi, a dirty call-boy in
overalls shouted "First act: all up," to encourage
professionalism anil self-respect, the curtain as-
cended noisily, and inspiration settled on my
heart.
Everyone thought it went very well, and we
had three curtain calls. Freddy knocked tlie i)ic-
lure off the mantle in the last act, but I was alert
and said, "You little devil, now' see what you've
done," and everyone tliought it was in the show.
I still think those Illini critics were loir, menu,
hj'uKj ironiix. After all our work, and the insult
about the gum, and the nice things people said in
Mosi's. they called it "shallow stuff"." And I
did n't lisp — I never lisped in all my life.
And on ilonday a female in my gym class
said: "Honey, you just <lone grand I"
I'm going into Sennett comedies.
S
"W'iiy is an oiange like an eleiiliaiit '"
"I'll bite."
"Because neither one of them can lide a bicycle."
S
He: I had a little engine trouble last nite.
8he: Ycni never have that wlien Fm with you.
• — Octijimis.
Espirit Du Siecle
The Ancient : Wiien 1 was a young feller pups
didn't have no tleasl
Three Minutes After Nine
>^ II. SIX use! A bit of s-liuffliiifj! Wrist initclirs
ill rridencc' Excitid rciiiarks in loir tours! Gig-
(ftiiKJ Craiiinf/ of ini-h-s for Inttcr risitm of tlie door!
A dec/} roicc:
"Come on! Let's <jo!"
Chorus of shrill voices: "(Hi, no! It's not
time yet! Fifteen seconds!"
Deep voice again: "Oh. hell!"
i'<hocked surprise! Girls in front roir turn
around quistioninghj.
"Three minutes I" pipes up one of the shrill
roices.
tSonie of the girls rise hesiliit ingli/.
" Shall we"?" This from the girl hg tlie door.
"Yeah I — let's'?"' And .still theg demur!
Men in hack row are iiieaniohile donning their
coats. Girls, snickering, leave their seats, aukirard-
Ijl and uncertainlg. Half a dozen of thcin are on
their iraij to the door!
* * * * »
Enter, the instructor! Hasty scramble to regain
seats!
* ■» * -^ -X-
Mrn again reinore llnir coals and iiluinp do'irii
into their chairs.
I n.structor takes off his coal, and remarks:
"Fooled you girl.s that time, didu'l l'"' (Or some
etjuallj/ humorous remark).
(hithiirst of .soprano laughter!
Deep voice, again: "OIi, hell!"
Slow curtain.
—Frank H. Hutchins.
[Ill
sism
I
THr. FIRST rfeApJ
//
OMUR.PAy rSjGHT
'-Dmy's 60HE^-HL)rlTlr<6' *foR6iDDEft Fruit"
mew \VlF£''^T^*- ^'^"'^"'' f
THL S\V^S AT A GLAMCL=
57 0V9^ &UTCHEP- ^joy '
M.R.l>lMJ.-lt '11
A study In Appeal
Haughtily, coldly, she regarded him
as he knelt before her. "Jane" he
moaned, "answer me— why won't you
marry me? What have I done to dis-
please you?"
Even in his agony of disappoint-
ment he was handsome. His shoes
immaculate, his trousers neatly
pressed, his crepe tie in a perfect
knot, every hair in place.
How could she spurn him?
"Jane" he repeated, "you must mis-
trust me. I will confess all. Perhaps
you are right in refusing me. Yes,
I have been in prison for bigamy. I
did forge my father's name. 1 was
the instigator of that robbery, but my
past is buried — no one knows."
He stood up amazed. Over her face
stole a look of tenderest affection.
"John" she wept' "I am yours. Why
didn't you tell me before? A man
with a past! Now I can introduce
you to my friends."
"Oh mama, come here, lookit the
catch I've made." — A. L. S.
The Usual Cynic
(With Apologies)
She was standing near the corner,
Very pretty, no one nigh;
She was not averse to speaking.
Not averse, and so was I.
So we stopped there for a moment
Just to pass the time of day;
So I met her
In the usual way.
When I took her home that evening.
First her supper, then a show,
(She had her manners most alluring)
You know how those things go.
Yes, the step was in the shadow,
Open her lips, but nought to say;
So I left her
In the usual way.
When I saw her sometime later
At some dance or at some show,
She was looking just as sweetly
At some other handsome beau.
When I spoke she didn't notice.
There was nothing I could say;
She had dropped me
In the usual way.
[12]
The tiiiii.s who advertise iu the
t<ircii are suppoi'tei's <'f student
activities. Let us. as active stu-
dents, give them oiif support in
turn. They merit it.
— ^ S
Tlie advertisements iu the Sirrn
are worth yotir attention; other
wise they would not be there. The
firms represented are those most
worthy of your patronage, as stu-
dents, because they understand
student needs and co-operate with
student activities.
-S-
Triolet
A maid in modern skirt went by,
I turned me from the sight.
Perhaps you think me over shy —
A maid in modern skirt went by —
But 'cross the way two more saw I.
With knees more nearly right.
A maid in modern skirt went by,
I turned me from the sight.
—P. W. L.
JIR£N
Philosophy II
As a contribution to thr lit< raturc of iivadimival
relations, thr folloirimj tiro ditties arr offend for
i/our diversion. The first, irritten by a pupil to his
teacher shows on< xide of the case The second, writ-
ten in return by the tiacher. Dr. S. P. jAiniprecht, to
his errant pupil, demonstrated the other si'rfc. In
this notable controrrrsy, the pupil hasti i;s t > crii
"Capiri!"
S
Hypnosis
O Ph. D.
Your Phibate key
Entrances me.
Its face displays
The solar rays
Of golden days.
Hynosis shakes
My mind. It makes
Me feel like snakes.
You lecture there:
Thin is your hair;
Earnest you air.
Yet dancingly
Your Phibate key
— it winks at me.
/f's getting inc.'
T. P. B.
A Counter Thrust
Oh, T. P. B..
Your flippancy amuses me.
For you delight
Ver.ses to write
Within my sight.
But it Is true
That you would rue
My flunking you.
You choose my class,
But, like the mass.
Just try to pass.
If only you
Some work would do.
And some review.
Your mark I'll raise
And you I'll praise
One of these days.
If you display
More pep, I may
Give you an A.
Then you can be
A Ph. D.,
And wear a key.
Oh, T. P. B.
S. P. L.
My Heart Grows Faint
By Paul Nissley Landis
My heart grows faint when I behold
The wives my friends have married;
I knew them, too, when they were girls,
With silken hose and clustering curls,
And figures easy to enfold —
Thank God I tarried I
My friends did not — deluded churls —
And when I see them: "There," I sigh,
"But for the grace of God, go I."
The Kid Says
They can start cleaniiifj up all their crime waves
but garters \rill never .*!tt»i) their hold-up game.
He hoi)es the agitators won't drive the Japs ont
ret. One's got his laumlrv.
T^'hen a man s;iys he has a "pressing engagement'"
it's time to question what he really means.
Maybe Darwin could ex])lain this lamblike eml
of ilarch.
After hearing a violinist he's darn glad a pianist
doesn't have to tune his instrument before each
number.
These loud voiced lecturers simply ruin a fel-
low's sleep.
If absence makes tlie heart grow fonder, there
are a half-dozen profs just crazy aliimt bini.
A.L.S.
[13]
JSXN
Hollow Log and Hollow
Reed
With me it has been ever so
Through all the winter time I go.
Austre, and mindful of my bool?,
Deaf to sweet music; and I hrook
No by play of white arms. Pierrette
Beckons in vain, the jade. While yet
The elms of green are innocent
I keep a lonely watch, content.
But oh, there comes an April night
When all the town is strangely white,
And little questing winds blow by;
And when that night is on me I
Do shortly fling my book away.
And seek Pierrette, the jade, and say,
"My child, the time has come to
play!"
I cannot say the Springtime may.
Perforce, when lifts the winter fog
I venture from my hollow log
And cut a hollow reed to blow.
With me it has been ever so.
From the Anthology
of the Boneyard
A Lament
Caprice in B-Flat
Blanche's beloved. Bertram, beheld
Beatrice.
Blanche, being blonde, bashfull,
blushing, became babyish beside
Beatrice: Beatrice being big bold,
brilliant brunnette.
Beatrice beguiled Bertram.
Bertram bewildered, bewitched be-
devilled by baneful Beatrice behaved
badly, becoming Beatrice's beau.
Blanche bore banishment bravely.
Bertram bought baubles, bedecking
Beatrice barbarically.
Bertram became bankrupt, beggar-
ed.
Beatrice basely betrayed Bertram.
Benevolent being befriended Bert-
ram.
Bertram besought Blanche.
Bertram brought Blanche back.
Blanche bade bygones be bygones.
Betrothal.
Bertram, bridegroom.
Blanche, bride.
Bridesmaids. Bestman.
Blossoms.
Bishops. Bell Boisterousness.
Banquet. Ball. Bridal tour.
Boundless bliss.
— HELEN HOTTINGER
Look at me.
I had a bright future.
Everybody said so.
In high school
I starred in
"Charlie's Aunt"
And got a write-up in
The College Bugle.
In college I rose
Rapidly. Dad
Sent me down to take
Engineering, so I
Colud bear the torch of
The family fortunes
Down at the works.
Well. I made Mask and Bauble,
And Pierrot, and
Played in al the plays
To cordial audiences
Of personal friends.
At last,
I graduated —
(Anyone can do that
If he sticks at it)
And went home
To the works
Dad asked me
"What can you do?"
So
The boneyard got me.
(By Olivia riiaiiiberlain)
Oh Patrick MaOee was my lover
dear;
I loved him all night and all day;
But Patrick has wandered away
from here
For reas<ins I cannot say.
Boit 7(0000, hoo 7(000.'
^^'Iiat shall I do
To get me another date?
Try hard as I can,
I cant find a man —
And soon it will be too late.
Now I was a carefree and hap])y
young miss
Wlie'u Pat used to hold my
lian<ls ;
But Time pas.sing by, liad to
leave me like this —
And Pat roams in foreign lands!
Boo hoooo, 1)00 hoo!
Wliat shall I do
To gladden my maidenly heart?
Jly hair's turning gray,
My color wout stay.
My dresses are popping apart.
I "look at myself and think I shall
cry ;
Oil, Pat would not cherish me
now I
But 1 will reduce, though by
starving 1 die —
Mr. Wallace will teach me how.
T)(t-hilo, tra-JooI
That's what I will do;
I'll be slender and young again I
To music so sweet,
I'll waggle my feet —
And tlicn I will vamp the men.
A Poet Scorned
I love to thing of birdth and flowereji.
And fith, and beeth, and theith.
Oh how 1 love to path the hourth.
In croonith luUabith.
I'd like to live in old Japan,
Wear blothums in my hairth:
Or track across the Northern Stranth,
The wily polar hearth.
But when I read my little rimth
The people laugh, and witph
The tearth away at timth.
They lie, they thay I lithph.
—DON ALLEN
Read the advertisements in this
issue of the Hircn. They are an
important part of the Hiren's ser-
vice to the student body. Yoti
will lind that they represent only
the most reliable of firms.
[14]
SIKEN
1
The Ballad of
the Six Queens
(By C. A
'. Kucha nan)
Of (1scai' Second T would sins;
The king has staked his snickers-
A ytMUhMiian : for truly
nee.
He reif-ned as Andalusia's kinji.
His coal with silver tassels
And ruled tlie oft unruly.
Against Duke Hassiui's recipe
For home brew — and two cas-
A mighty man. for it is said
tles.
He used to boast with iileasnre
Then ou the green they lay their
There was no ruler, live or dead
hands
Who ever took his measure.
rfaitli, two noble portions.
An honest man. worth lofty
The king has gas])ed and said.
jii-aise
This hero of my story
".My Lands!"
The Duke has had contortious.
\^'ho covered One-Eyed Hassam's
For in the good King Oscar's
raise
haml
And eke himself with j;lory.
A (|ueen is yestled; •'Shoot
her."
It is fourteen ninety-eight ;
The Duke remai-ks, for in his.
The King and Hass play poker.
staml
And (»s has tille<l a blue-eyed
Four otluMs. with the center.
straight :
Old OueKye has the joker.
The king has drawn his snickers-
nee
"Have at ye man." Os eries in
The Duke"s one-eye looks wary
glee.
And Os has spake, ••How can
••With these IM bhitf in
this be?
Hades!"
Six queens ain't customary."
Duke Hassam, not a word .savs
he,
"Since Mister Hoyle wrote his
But draws four |ucny ladies.
good book
Four ladies. ](lus the center
Ami now a mighty smile has won
Is p;issable — but six would Ifxik
Across his one-eyed features
;\iore neat, if one were neuter.
"Ah: Ha!" he cries. King Os,
your'e done
••I will not mention any names:
"Egad I love these creatures."
I'm fair, tluuigh I am king.
I do not speak f(U' the future
"Done? Hell," cries Os, '•you bag
games
of skins
To ward what lliev might bring
I stake my kingly gavel
■
That of the two mitts, my hand
I call no names, that isn't done.
wins.
But while I ]iass this by
Put u]) your coin or ti-avel."
If it occurs again someone
M"\\] lose his other eye."
Then liack ami forth across the
board
An hoi'i'st man. woith mighty
The betting goes; I'nloathing
jiraise.
The King has bet his treasure
This hero of my story
hoard
AVIlo covered Oiu'-Eved Hassim's
,Vnd HassiuTs st.ikcil his clolli-
raise
ing.
And. I'kc himself, witli glory.
[15]
SmEM
The Soup and
Fish Review
<s>
By Constance Freeman and
C. E. Noyes
I. "Help me tie this" —
"Stop — damn it —
That's my neck —
Wait a bit."
Fourin-one. and not nl
(This'U ruin that newi
So roll on to your doc
"Please be careful of n
III. "You might as well sit down and wait.
The fool things never are on time;
You know your girl is always late
But the way these cabs are — it's a crime.
[16]
HREN
li room
ess)
dress!"
VII. Fine idea, this three-day date;
Tea-dance. Bradley's, Sunday dinner.
Everything is simply great,
Except your pocketbook grows thinner
course you had to drop the spoon,
ill your glass and tip the plate:
11, this will he over soon ;
Is my tie on straight?")
VI. Decorations iiiitjlilii fiiir
Ain't the music tii<-iiii
Liniher up your newest line;
Boy, this dance is keen!
VIII. Monday mornir
Feeling blue;
Professor's warning.
Nothing new.
IX. LORDI What a headachel
[17]
SW£M
FEET
All poets loves tuli rant an rave about them witc'ain eyes, the wich they offen no doubt sees wen,
after hot mince pies, they twists an turns does fancy squirms a-lyin ther In bed an wishin that they
hadn't et an got that awful head, 'Tis then fair faces comes tuh them with beauteous silky hair, with
chisel teeth arrayed in rows like bricks in the courthouse square. An wen the mist of pie has cleared an
early morn breaks in, them poets tries tuh tell tuh us jest what they thought she been. They pictures
her a angel what come down tuh earth that day, an tries tuh tell us that her hair, 'n' eyes DO point
that way. They howls about her graceful arms an air demure an sweet, but never once does they bring
in a thing about her feet. ,
Now I sure ain't no poet, 'tall, an that's as plain's can be. I only talks an thinks about them things
as I can see. I falls ter purty faces like most eny human guy. an there's people that has made me laugh
an there's them as made me sigh. I've seed a lot of humans an I've learned sum types tuh judge; I can
tell a prosp'rous banker from a common kitchen drudge. But I bases my ^opinions of the people that I
meet an size them up an index them by lookin at their feet.
Did you ever start a-thinkin bout the many kinds of feet as you sees is worn by people wich you sees
upon the street? Did you ever try tuh analyze er gage a person's talk by the kind of feet an shoes he
sports wen goin fer a walk? You can tell a person's character nine chances out of ten. A gal may be a
baby doll er jest a dried old hen. You do not need tuh bother, boy, tuh look into her face — jes glance
down an her feet will show if you should stay in ths race. If you air follered latp at night wile on yer
way tuh home, glance back tuh ascertain jest how his pedal parts do roam. For if they flops aroun too
much, yer sure he's drained the jug; but if they're firm an stealthy-like, you run, the guy's a thug. The
other day I took a walk an met up with a simp a-strollin long so peaceful like but with a funny limp.
His right foot dragged a little bit like pullin at a weight, so I allowed he's from the pen, the hair shaved
off his pate. Supposin wen yer walkin out yuh hears a measured tread, like a prehistoric monster that's
a-stampin out a bed. That slap-slap keeps a-comin on till it reaches, passes you. Don't look up, man; a
nickel star shines on a coat of blue. The digger of the ditches has his brogans clogged with dirt; those
high heeled boots were drawn on by a hand that w'elds a quirt; the signboard poster's feet are splashed
with flaky, dried up paste; the lumberjack sports heavy boots that reach nigh to his waist. The black
man from the levee has heels that reach behind; upon the flapper's graceful limbs laced sandals you will
flnd; the plainsman from the alkali, the farmer from the fields, may each be recognized in turn by the
kind of feet he wields. So I might keep a-goin on like this from day tuh night. I'll be much satisfied
if I have shown just how I'm right. Enough I've said I do believe tuh show it's just an meet that we
should not ignore them, bus jest hand it to their feet. — H. R. Mathias.
[18]
snscM
# Plays - Books - Music %
Editir'x .Yo/< ; 77i/.v /wr/c. roii-
(luittd 1)1/ (). I), liiin/c, editor of
ihc niinois .V(t</<i.:'ni<\ ix derated
ill the dinkt r side (if the Sereii
Art.s.
The Mask and Bauble
Aviary
A moon or so ago — I have forgotten
the exact date— Mask and Bauble made
a serious attempt at the "drama."
The vehicle was John Galsworthy's
'Pigeon." The idea of getting away
from the usual time-worn Broadway
success, of which we have had far too
many, was a highly commendable one.
Things did not work out as they were
expected to, unfortunately, and the
venture was a financial failure.
Of course there were reasons for the
debacle, but there is no need to dwell
upon that. Bad acting had a lot to do
with it. but I refuse to mention names.
Everybody did the best he could,
which was very good, but the perform-
ance was no better therefor.
There were several commendable
features in the production, the most
important of which was the setting. I
do not know to whom the conception
of the thing is due, but it was a good
job. The lighting of the first part of
the first act was a wonder rarely seen
here in the provinces. It nothing else,
the play was a distinct contribution to
college stagecraft.
One especial annoyance was the lack
lieu of any oher eutre acte, the pub-
lic has become attached to the mer-
chandising articles that fill out almost
every play bill nowadays. Still, the
sheet is something of a change from
the one page, badly printed affair that
they gave out at the Duke of York's a
century or so ago. I did not save any
of mine, but I remember them that
plainly.
Another thing that struck my ear
was that the tonal qualities of the
chimes, which are customarily struck
for Mask and Bauble shows before the
curtain is rung up, were decidedly in-
ferior to those of last fall. Musical
entertainment is degenerating in
these two towns.
But what I started out to say was
that the play was more poorly cast
than the usual Mask and Bauble play,
and that the play in itself was far too
good for this vaudeville and movie-
fed community.
S
That Krazy Cat -
In these days of literati and things
it is with a sober second thought that
one mentions things of dubious cul-
tural value. Among such things are
the comic strips of our dailies. Jos-
eph Penncl agrees with me that most
of them are not worth the well-known
cont internal. But he doesn't agree
with me that there is one that is
worth the merit of everyone's perusal
— Krazy Kat. This sagely foolish
comic is probably read by everyone
but the learned. And these learned
gentlemen are the ones who would
most profit by following the adven-
tures of Ignatz, Krazy, and the brick.
The man who begets this trio is a
philosopher and a scholar. His wis-
dom is wonderous in its curves and
deviations, and his nonsense beyond
belief. As someone has said, Krazy
is indeed an insult to the intelligence
— but he is funny. Another funny
thing about Krazy is that he has been
honored by one of the foremost
American composers. He has been
made the hero of a ballet-pantomine
by John Alden Carpenter, in a work
rated perfect in niiud of no less a
person than the rebellious Geo. Jean
Nathan. And Adolph Bolm took the
role in performance.
Dementia Juvenila
It is curious and informative to
glance through the latest copies of
our modern, more restless, journals
of opinion, as they style themselves.
They are all products of the young
and brilliant men, as our present
definition of brilliancy goes. There-
in the gilded youth impudently pokes
its literary tongue at the Puritans
(what they are I know not)' and
writes and thinks about whatever it
pleases in a startling and often irri-
tating monner. Musical humorists,
Russian vaudeville, the newest neck-
ties, polo, soap statuettes, motor tire?.
Dada. the Grand Guigiiol. and what-
[19]
not are their field, and they even
buirlesque the sacrosanct fraternity
convention in a neat way that they
have. All of which is done with the
zest and intensity of a child taking
a fly to pieces. Moral: — ■
R. L. S.
There are all sorts of worshippers,
and it is meet that it be so, whatever
their cults. Among the latest to be-
come known is that excellent wit,
Christopher Morley. He smokes a
pipe. But for that matter so do many
literary gents. However, that is not
the point. In his briar censor Chris
burns much daily incense to the
shades of the greatest R. L. S. For
his from of hero worship is to smoke
the tobacco that his saint smoked.
Greater love hath no man, for it
might be villainous stuff. Still it
couldn't be if he smoked it. I must
write Chris for the brand.
God Save The Irish
There comes the news that James
Joyce is soon to present his "Ulys-
ses" to the world in a private edition
from a French press.. Something
telis me that the more private it is
the better, but that is beside the
pcint. "Ulysses" is the novel, as you
well know, which but recently caused
the Little Review to become dog-
eared in the seminar, and to be sus-
pended by the government. Concern-
ing its latest adventures I quote the
Dublin correspondent to the London
Mercury: "'With "Ulysses"' says a
writer In the "Nouvelle Revue Fran-
saise," "Ireland re-enters high Eur-
opean literature.' Ireland is gratified
to hear it and yet a little nervous
— " For Joyce is a catholic Irishman,
and he has not always Been as rever-
ent to certain things dear to at least
some of the Irish hearts as he might
have been. And his manner, my dear.
bis
manner!
Nervous — there are
strong indications of future hysteria.
Remember the lovely little family riot
that they had when Synge gave them
his "Playboy." And the writer goes
on to say that Joyce's "Portrait of
the Artist as a young man," which
caused a few bubbles in the pool, is
(Contiiiuoil on Page 24)
HREN
K.O.!
Useless Knowledge
© Vanity Fair
(That's what all who've tried
it say to this proposition.)
\\l E want a man to lead a new
^ college team this summer.
It's a game at which you can make
real money without losing your
amateur status.
We want a man who can organize
a group of four or five salesmen to
sell subscriptions to the Nast Pub-
lications — Vogue, Vanity Fair,
House & Garden, Costume Royal
and Children's Royal.
The man on the team makes 50%
on all the subscriptions he books.
Five orders a day for Vogue for six
days give him $75. The other mag-
azines pay in proportion. And for
tlie captain we have a special ad-
ditional offer.
THIS isn't the ordinary magazine rep-
resentation scheme. It's as dilTerent
from the usual college commission propo-
sition as the Nast Magazines are differ-
ent from other magazines.
The man we want will he working in
direct contact with our Sales Manager.
It's a great openfng for anyone who
wishes to get into the magazine business
on graduation.
Remember, these are magazines which
a college man will like to sell. They sell
to people that a college man likes to meet.
Can you organize? Could yon coach a
team of four or five salesmen, and carry
them through a successful season? If
you think you're as good as the kind of
man we want, write to
The Sales Manager
THE NAST PUBLICATIONS
!9 West 44th St.
New York City
N. B. The Business Manager of this paper
told us this advertisement would produce
results. Well, here we are — Ijut Joplin is
our home town, right on the western
horder of JMissouri.
(Continued from Page 10)
First Love Attair", and "Advice to Tiie Lovelorn."
I find that tlie latter has l)een of no real value to me.
It so happens that liy reason of my precocity,
I was .sent to college to uctiuire wisdom to atone for
my lack of beauty. For a month 1 had been tongue-
tied ill a history class in which the professor made
daily a fresh occasion of our ignorance on any sub-
ject concerning home, school or state. One day he
broke into a lesson witli a sneering tpiestion on some
of the recent archaeologican investigations that had
takeu place in some ancient town, accounts of which
had appeared in the papers.
I slowly forced my liand into tlie air and deliv-
ered a review of a long article that I had read
not so mauy moons before. The class was open-
mouthed and the professor was pop-eyed with won-
der. He had not seen me hanging over the dishpan
helping my sister with the dishes and reading the
account of the recent investigations tliat had taken
place on the Isle of Crete.
Equally startled was a botany instructor when
I gave some expert information on the variations
in color of the orchid which I had gleaned from my
bni'eau cover. In a literature class with the facts
gathered from the cellar wall where the coal man
might put his hand I delivered an address on the
Pre-Kaphaelite movement, as sliown in the works of
Kossetti and recapitulated in the Ashton Gazette.
I believe that the climax in my luanifestations
came when I saved an awfnl dinner table by con-
versing with a reformed missionary on the tribal
ceremonies of some inner African races. He won-
dered while he listened to me. I had not spent sev-
eral meals at the table for nothing where mother
had placed the Northwestern Christian Advocate
under my plate in order that I would not by my
usual carelessness soil the cleau tablecloth under-
neath.
There are, however, days when I feel that I will
never have any use for the facts whicli 1 gleaned
fi'oiii the pai)er on the scratchable back of my ma-
hogany ciiair on, "How To IMan a Trouseau", or
"What a Haby Xeeds."
S
Flap — You look awfully good in th::t siiaiistiot.
Purr — I ought to. Top was looking right at me
when it was taken. — ('hiijipnnil.
S
When the advertiseent of a Twin City merchant
ai)pears in the Sirrn, it means that the merchant is
ill touch with student affairs and student needs.
His advertisement is more than an advertisement.
It is a ])ledge of faitli, and an oiler of service.
[20]
HREN
At eve, the lOlIc has dniiik liis till
>>i'iii' yoiKh'i- raiiihliuj; iinMiiitaiii rill
Till' while liiMicalh the s(iiillici-ii iiiniit
The starry hunter his skill stalks
All! would that I coiilil drink my lill.
Ah : would that I cnuid see the sliU.
Er. ilooiishiiie. that is, iiiooidifiht
Shine, on that Kentucky hill.
_<;. V. B.
S
Rime of the Ancient Professor
It was an Ancient Professor,
And he stopjietli one of three.
By thy long beard and glittering eye,
Now wheiefore stoi)p'st me?
For IJiadley's doors are open wide
And 1 must in to dance!
The Prof, put down his skinny hand.
Bnt holds him with a glance.
'My boy", quoth he, in accents wild,
'Let be this merry din.
And hie you to your study room.
There lock yourself within".
'Beware, beware", the grey one called,
'And hark to me, oh liark.
Or soon from school you'll be discharged
By Thomas Arkle Clark'.
The lad with laugh upon his face.
Did pass the Old One liy.
To trip his toes fantastically
Till midnight's chimes were nigh.
The youth he gave a funny laugh,
'What cai-e I for ycnir mark.
This morn did I receive the bounce
From Thomas Arkle Clark!
—A. L. S.
S—
Too Over
Waiter: "Isn't your egg cook-
ed long enough, sir'/"'
Customer: "Yes, but uot soon
enough." — Buiitcr.
When you go to the ice box
for one last bite at bedtime . . .
— and find one piece of cran-
berry pie, that's a real lucky
strike !
LUCKY STRIKE.'
/
The discovery of toasted tobacco
was a lucky strike for us.
If you will buy a package of Lucky
Strike cigarettes yourself you will see
why millions now prefer the toasted
flavor.*
It's Toasted
irDo this today and notice the delicious toasted
BurJey when you try Lucky Strike.
Guaranteed by
I N C O R POR^TEO
[21]
HREN
A Large Stock
of
BRIEF
CASES
Selling at Reduced Prices
At YOUR Store
Engineers' Co-op
Society
J. R. Lindley, Manager
Boneyard and Mathews
URBANA, ILL.
"Just For You"
There's a thrill
In the trill
Of her sweet little \uii'e;
There's n bliss
111 the kiss
She bestows :
There's delijiht
In the sight
Of her beautiful faee.
There's a joy
111 each coy
Little pose.
All of these
Just to please
Only you, so she says.
Just for you
It is true
She exists ;
Aiii't it hell
To hear tell
Of some other admired.
AVho is lamped
And well vamped '
By this miss'
—A. L. S.
I
I
1
The Coffee
that made "Sam"
famous
Whistle
Inn
TRY OUR
AFTER LIBRARY
LUNCHES
I
Acro.ss from the
Chem Building
STYLED
FOR.
YOVKG MEK
NOURISHING, STRENGTHENING
DURING ACTIVE SCHOOL
MONTHS
FEATURE SOFT HAT
--a smart young man's
Stetson with a medium
flare,and binding- Lined
attractively in various
shades of satin.
STETSON HATS
JOHN B. STETSON COMPANY, Philadelphia
y Horlicks ^ ar ^ Mahed/yl^ Milk
I The Original
1
I Relieves the fatigue of study and exercise.
1 Delicious, concentrated nutrition that
1 strengthens, refreshes and invigorates.
1 Satisfying and economical as a daily
1 luncheon. Keep a jar in powder or lunch
1 tablet form in your room.
1
I AVOID IMITATIONS
1
] Write for sample and for booklet on
? its many advantages for the student
I and athlete.
J HORLIClt'S, Racine, Wis.
I .
[22]
JI6£N
-+
SPECIFY
on your party order
Berryman's
Purity
Bakery Goods
And you'll be pleased, both as
to quality and service.
♦
Berryman Bakery
213 S. Neil
ON THE WAY TO TOWN
Provincialism
4
Why is it that it takes from fifteen
to twenty years for the average good
European play to reach the boards
in this country? One play that I have
in mind appeared in Paris in 1900.
but was not presented in this country
until 1907, although it was very suc-
cessful in its native land. And an-
other written in 1905, if my memory
serves me right, has just reached the
American stage. It is Bernstein's
•"Claw." and is, so I understand, to
be presented in Champaign before
very long. And so it goes through
the list. The few contemporary plays
represented are, in the main, rather
cheap stuff. They do not get very
far. There are some eight or ten
now playing in various parts of the
country, but have been, with very few
exceptions, poorly re;eived by the
critics. Tal<e that as you may, it
means, nevertheless, very little for
our theatrical enterprise.
S
••If I had known lliat tunnel
was so lonj;. I woiild have kissed
yon."
••(lood Heavens, wasn't tliat
vou'^"" — Voo Doo.
The
Difference
IJetween good I'rinlinj;
and bad I'l-intiiig is a
matter of only a few dol-
lars in its niaunfacture;
but in its comparative re-
sults there is an inestim-
able diCFerence in vahie.
stationery. Dance Pro-
grams, Tickets and all
kinds of Commercial
Printing.
Desks, Chairs and Fil-
ing Cabinets, Office out-
fits.
Pease Print Shop
22 Main St. Garfield 2246
CHAMPAIGN
MOOREHEAD FURNITURE COMPANY
Ne:i and University Avenue CHAMPAIGN, ILL.
We Are Especially Well
Equipped in Our Rug
Department
E\i;m rilIN<l in llcme Furnish-
ings. A most complete line of
Ftn-nitnre. for every room or use in
the home.
Featuring all requirements for
'"lulls, I'ralernit v. and Soi-oritv houses.
— +
123]
SIREN
4.._„_„_,„_„_.._„._. .. — +
McEVILLY
-^ BROWN
Shoe Repairing
Cleaning and
Pressing
We carry
a full line of polishes
and laces.
ORPHEUM BinLDlNG and
403 EAST GREEN
+ „ 4.
V" ^~"" ^~ "" "~" "" ^~"" ^~ "" ^~ '"' ^—11" ^— "" ^— ■III ■^—•111 ^— 'IH ^— Itii — .
Plays, Books and Music
(Continued from Page 19)
a modest violet as compared with
"Ulysess." But what I had started
to say was that Cabell is many times
the artist that Joyce is. He is at least
de;_ent in his more pornographic
moments.
Books
What puzzles me. and for that
matter, many another, is why books
cost so confounded much in this
country. Not so long I ordered the
works of Dante (this is not boasting)
from an Italian publisher, which will
cost me at present rates of exchange
about a dollar and a half. Even with
exchange at par the edition would
cost little more than five dollars — for
one thousand pages of India paper,
with engravings and facimiles, and an
excellent binding, for the continent.
Where is the publisher in this country
that would even listen to such an
idea, let aloue carry it through? And
at such a price? And in France they
are publishing books for five francs
that would cost five dollars in this
country. Can someone explain it?
I
1
s'TTT'T
1
1
^^■fv-.i
IS
m
Your Account
Will Be Welcome
At This Bank
No red tape and no charges
for opening an account
with us
First State Bank
URBANA
RAY L. BOWMAN
JEWELRY CO.
Hamilton Building, Champaign
Expert, Watch and Jeweliy re-
pairing, under supervision of
competent workmen. Veiy latest
stationery with colored import-
ed hnings. For unusual gifts,
see us. Prices moderate.
.4.
i
I
I
I
I I
I I
I I
1 I
I I
1 1
I I
I I
I I
1 1
! I
I I
Would you >
?
If your watch needed repairing,
would you take it to a Black-
smith?
Then why have your Plumbing
or Heating repaired by some one
who is incompetent?
WE HAVE ONLY
SKILLED MECHANICS
I
TRY US
MISS RAY L. BOWMAN
Manager
I
I
I
I
I
JOHNSON BROS.
Sanitary and Heating Engineers
402 N. Neil St.
CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS
Both Phones
[2-1]
HREN
piTFORM
TWEED Suits for College Men
$25 $27.50 $35 $40 $45
The veiy smartest, spring fashion ideas in tweed suits including the
distinctive Donegal tweeds. The coats have large pockets, belted and
pleated backs, leather buttons on many of the models. The fit and the cut
and the tailoring is of the highest type and these attractive low prices will
appeal to every man.
You may get knickers for many of these suits if you wish.
W.L
ewis
CHAMPAIGN
BC
0.
[2r,|
HREN
It Costs No More to Buy a Kelly
I
I
I
I
f
I
*"•
I
I
i
I
Not cnly is tl.c I'.aal-.jl.p Cord sura-footed
when it is new, but becaUFe the tread is
built up straght instead of fallowing the
contour of the tire, it wears down evenly
and retains its non-skid qualities till the end.
CHURCHILL, BENGSTON & MILLER
URBANA, ILL.
Hot and Cold
Ice Cream
Eat ice cream in tlie sinmiier because
it is frozen, and will, in melting, elim-
inate a certain amount of your excess
heat. Eat it in the winter because the
liutter-fat, eggs, and sugar in ice cream
are all efficient heat-producers.
Only be sure that the cream you get
is ours. Then you can be sure that it
not only will have the flavor that has
made it the favorite, but you will have
the assurance that the ingredients will
be of the highest .standard of quality
and purity. It pays to insist on our ice
cream.
Phones:
Garfield 2107
Main 175
Champaign Ice Cream Co.
111-115 E. University Street
Mandy — "Rastus. you-all reminds me of one of
dere flyin' machines."
Rastus — " "Cause I'se a high-flyer, JIandy'"
Mandy — "No, "cause you ain't no good on
earth I" — Tiger.
S
"^^'hen I mairled you I t'.iyr.ght you were an
angel."
"So that's wliy yon never buy me any clothes."
— H}iv Dial.
S
A Girl I Wculd Like to Meet
One will) hasn't read "The Sheik.""
Who doesn't ask if sjie is the first girl you have
ever ki.ssed.
Who doesn't meet you at the door witli her hat
on.
Who hasn't heard my jokes. ,
Who doesn't smoke "all my cigarettes.
Who can talk about somefjiing l)esides the men
she knows and tiie "helluva" time they show her.
Who doesn't think she is a "big timer.""
Who wears enough clothes to leave something
to the imagination.
Who doesn'f know everybody in the University.
She could have my heart and fraternity pin.
— Punch Bowl.
+ „ , ._,.,_. „_. . — 4.
THE APOLLO
CONFECTIONERY
Home of High Grade Candies
and Delicious
Drinks
Try one of our famous Fresh
lime freezes or Fresh
Strawberry Sundae
THE APOLLO CONFECTIONERY
Moryios Bros,. Vrhaiid, 111.
[26]
.. — +
HREN
Collegiate Questions
.M. 1. T. — "Wluit were your marks l:ist year''"
Jlaivard — •'\\'lia( is your social staiidiiij;?"
"Williams — ••\\'liat malvo is yoiu- car?"
N. Y. U." -"\A'liat is your iTlijjion?"
Yale — "How much can you hold?"
Princeton — "\\'hat show is she in?"
Syracuse — "How much arc llicy paying; you?"
Springfield — "How lout; have yon lieen mar-
ried?"'
Cornell — "l>o yon l'a\-or co cilncal ion ?"
Union — "Have you had any electrical exjier-
ience'" —-R'lijal (laboaii.
S
Alisent ilindei! I'rot. : "Is there anyone umler
that lied?"
l'"sca|)e(l Convict, Hidinj;: "Xot a soul."
A. Jl. I'rof. : "Thai's funny — 1 could ha\e sworn
that 1 heard sci-e'^dy." —!inni I'ol.
S
"Isn't this just the dearest placel" cried the
sweet youufi tliinj; as she placed liersel! delisilitedly
at a table in the Costly Pleasure Hotel.
"How tiu(>I" murmured her stalwart com-
l>anion. — Too Doa.
S
Uneasy lies the head thai has been crowned.
Service
with a smile
Where
you will find
Quality
TWIN CITY CAFES
"Wc Nei^rr Close"
621 E. Green St. 309 N. Neil St.
Golf!
All Styles of Clubs
10 Varieties of Balls
«>
We Lead in Every Line We Carry
Knowlton & Bennett
Urbana
Cafeteria
610 East Green St.
Popular Prices
[27]
HEOEN
Coiitdit coiitcii witk (■tcctri-
(Uy. — Electric Al.
WHEN you purchase an
electric Lamp buy it at a
shop where you will fiiifl
service when you need it.
We are famous for our elec-
trical dependability. You will al-
ways find good selections to
choose from and all attractively
priced.
First Servant: "How did your
one eyebrow wear out'"
Second Servant : "Well, you see
at onr place they have rough door-
knobs." —/>.'/'■'■•
S
"Are yon taking' Madeline to
11i(> i)roiii this year?"
"No. slie wanis to dance all the
lime." —Voo Dno.
S
Dumb: "I saw a negro funeral
today and behind the hearse walk-
ed a number of iiKmrners with
])ails."
liell: "Why tlie pails?"
1 )uHd( : "Going blackburying."
— Brorslchi.
Let Your Kodak
Tell the Story
Take home a well Uept
Photo or Memory Book
to show the Home Folks.
We will help you with
fresh supplies, a good
finishing service, and
information to correct
your mistakes.
Old Lady: "Oh, conductor,
idease stop the train. I dro])pe(l
my wig out the window."
("(inductor: "Never mind, Jla-
dam, tliere is a switch just this
side of tlu^ next station."
— Ortnpiifi.
I
I
I
I
I
Strauch
Photo-Craft House
\c^ coix>\
Drink
mf
*
Delicious and Refreshing
The Coca-Cola Company
atlanta, ga.
[28]
SW£M
-*
and
Brunswick
Columbia
Records
Special prices on Saxo-
phoneti. Tenor Hanjos,
and all string
instruments
Terms on Grand pianos to
fraternities and sororities
We also give special terms
on fuiniture
G. W. Lawrence
112 West Main Street
URBANA
"Hc"s got a '^nwt line," said tlic
rcpnilcr after lie lind interviewed
tlie presideiil <>( llic i'.ell Tele-
plume Coinpaiiy. — Jiiiiitcr.
i'ral ; "We li;nc a new disli-
WMsher at the lioiiye."
I'^rater: "How so?"
l''r;it : "1 noticed the diirereiiee
in llie linger prints mi inv ]>late."
—Froth.
S
"Wateli : "And why does tli;il
man always relVr to you as his
l»al)y j;irl?"
Foli: "Oh. I don't Unow. 1
suppose iieeiiiise 1 keep him up so
late of nij^hts. — Frivol.
S
^lotiier (aside) : Edna .your
collar looks tif!;lit."
Edna: "Oh. but .Mother, he
isn't." — ()niii</r Oirl.
S
Truth is stranger than fiction —
;iud lots scarcer.
— liroirii Jii;/.
Corona
The Personal Writing Machine
THAT'S how easy it is to
pay for Corona, the
little 6' 2-pound typewriter
you can fold up, take with
you, write with anywhere.
Phone us today for a free
demoz^tration.
R. C. WHITE & CO.
612 E. Green
J.
It Takes a Good Man to Satisfy, But
Jf3C-
Drinks and
Light Lunches
Drinks and
Light Lunches
She'll Be Well Pleased if You Take Her
to Schuler Bros.
Main Street— Champaign
I
+-
Whitman's & Morse's Candies — also our own
[29]
Their Qualily has wiped out
price aistincKon in cigarettes
Y>u cant help but [ij^ them!
Ihe^ are DIFFERENT-7)iey are GOOD
JIREN
Is where
A yoiiiif; man in soilcil llaiiiu'ls and
A sDt't shift
Dreams of silver nidonjjlints
Oil stately poiilars;
Dreams of straiijie zeplivrs, eraiit,
Klo\viii<{ a i)i-etty girrs hair:
Dreams of the strains of a waltz
That is i)laye(l where the lanterns j;low.
AVheie the dark hcdd retreats
No spying eye may fathom :
He dreams of Youth,
He dreams of Life, and warm Love:
He dreams
As he pounds out a
Seventeen hundred
Word thesis
On
A dizzy typewriter. — /(irkO-Ldiitmi.
S
She: "Don't you just love these nights?"
He: "No. sometimes I study."
— Octopus.
Stude: "Do I understaud y<iu rightly, sir. to
mean that tliis report is not acceptable?"
Prof.: ••Correct."
JStude: "But, sir, you accepted one e.xactly
like it." — Widoir.
S
I'rof. (during e.xaminatioii I : "Will some gentle-
man who isn't using his text-book be .so kind as to
let me have it a few moments?" — fumilrr.
8
Father: "XA'tial did you do with that last ten
dollars I gave you?"
•Son: "I i)ought a dollar's wmth of oranges and
ajiples, and spent the rest in dates." — I'luimir.
S
I'retty Co-Ed: "Did you speak to me?"
Ixomantic Freshman: ••No, but Fd like to."
—Brail I'ol.
S
••Is he very grammatical?"
"I should say not. D took him a year once to
liiiish one little sentence." — OcUipux.
tS
^linister ito sick student I : "l take a friendly
interest in yon. my boy. because 1 have two sons in
the university myself: one taking engineering and
the other ;;gri( iilt\iie. Is there anything I can do?"
Sick Student: '•You might pray for the one
taking engineering. — Mhim hiilui.
Warm weather cravats & Summer Shirts
will soon he "\vearal)le"
And right now we're sure selling
Spoil outfits (suits, top-coats,
caps).
Gelvim
t/ CLOTHES SHOP
"Croihet Thit MAke ihe Man —510 E Green
Men find trading
with us enjoyable
4.. ._. . . „ . ._._. +
Your "profs" feed you
heavy stuff
We provide what's
light and refreshing
BREAKFASTS
PLATE LUNCHES
SANDWICHES
SALADS
HOMEMADE PIE
CAKE
FANCY DRINKS
Prehn & Henningsen
Green at Sixth
We Cater to Parties
[31]
SmEN
I
I
V
Eick
csians
cnings
ColorplaHres
PKoto'EngraVings
J'LdyJertisino
jAjjrposes
G.R.GRUDD SCO.
Cham naian, Illinois
I
I
The professor ceased leitming and gazed intent-
ly into tlie ncai- loi-cjironnd. Tlien recollecting liini-
self he again proceeded with his subject. Several
times he ceased sijeaking and stood absorbed in
contemplation. In such situations great ideas have
been born. Could it be possible that the prof, was
harboring a thought that was to startle the world?
From that modest classioom a second Machievelli
might rise.
With a visible elFort the pi-ofessor came to him-
self and spoke to the assistant in an undertone:
"Please tell the young lady in seat A 13 to cover
her knee," he said. — BUiciuii.
I
I I
I I
I I
I I
! I
I
f
I
I
1
4...
Watch Repairing and
Engraving
At the Co-Op Jeweler
KIRMSE, Prop.
ILLINI PUBLISHING COMPANY
PRINTERS AND PUBLISHERS
1321
What Is Water Japan?
lAPAN- — not the country but a metal-coating varnish —
^ and your morning bottle of milk. Totally unlike, yet
associated!
Ordinary Japan consists of a tough, rubbery, tar-iike "base"
and a highly inflammable "solvent." The solvent dilutes
the base so that the metal may be coated with it easily. The
presence of the solvent involves considerable fire risk, espje*
cially in the baking oven.
Milk is a watery fluid containing suspended particles of
butter fat, so small that one needs the ultra- microscope to de-
tect them. An insoluble substance h 
