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THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  ILLINOIS 

LIBRARY 
C 

v.e 


Ipji 


JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 


JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 

118^ 


JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 


.^ 


Copyright  1921  Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx 


Xr      f    y-^y 


Features  of  Fall  Styles  for 

Young.  Mm 

COATS    have    lower    op^gifiit^r" longer    ij^rrower    lapels; 
softer  draping.    Two  or  thre^butf^*iTiodels  are  good;  -v 
some  have  belts.  Double-b're'asted  suits  are  popular  too.  . 

And  remember  that  all-wool  fabrics  and  good  tailoring  are  the  > 

right  basis  for  good  style.  You'll  get  it  all  in  our  clothes  made 
by  Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx,  and  o^ered  to  you  at  remarkably 
low  prices. 


< 


Central  Illinois'  Greatest  Store  for  M^/  *'. 


33-35-37  Main  St. 


Champaign.  111. 


ore 


■C 


Getting  Tired 

By  .I.C.F. 

M_v  l)r(i\v  is  wvi — 
DislioiU'st   s\vc:il 
Is  wetter  vcl. 

I'm  on  my  ;;imnl 
To  i-limli  the  hill  — 
Not  tiike  a  spill 

And  slip  bac-kward 
l''i-iim  llifilicst  lidpc 
or  kii<)wle(lf?t'.    Nope. 

>;(it  yvi.  "Ill  p:iril. 

I'm  working  less. 
Ainbitiouless? 
You   make  a    i;ness. 
Fur  it's  not  hard 
To  guess  and  y;rin 

When  I'm  all  iu  : 

A>hen   I  get  mired. 
I  show  some  speed 
(  Since  there's  no  need  I 
At  getting  tired. 


+ 

i 

We  cliiim  to  give  our  patrons 
the    Finest 


Photo 
Finishing 

in  the  Twin  Cities. 


('om]det('    slock    of     Kast- 
man    Koilaks   aii<l    I'llnis. 


Picture    Framing    that   is    Dis- 
tinctive  and   Different. 


LESLIE'S  DRUG 
STORE 

URBANA,  ILL. 


Adding  Machine 

He — How  long  have  you  been 
engaged  ? 

Siu — This  time.  oi-  all  together".' 
—Lord  -IrlJ. 
S 

Willie  went  lisliiiig  with  his 
l>ad  and  nnknown  to  Willie.  I»ad 
liaile<l  his  hook  with  a  ndnnow  in- 
stead of  the  usual  worm.  After 
live  iiunutes  of  angling,  Willie 
pulled  his  hook  out  of  the  water 
1o  look  at  it  and  spied  the  min- 
now  dangling  there. 

••Oh  look  daddy."  cried  Willie. 
"I  caught  a  sardine". 

^ S 


He  was  ]deading  for  a  kiss. 
•'You've  let    me   kiss  yon   l)efore." 

"1    know    it." 

"Tlu'U  why  not  now'.'" 

'•.My  conscience  hurts." 

"Oh  tiial's  all  rij;li1."  he  saiii 
relievedly.  ••I'll  kiss  yon  on  the 
lips." 


..+      +.• 


— ♦ 


I 

I 
+  . 


ATHLETIC  EQUIPMENT 
A   satisfied    customer   is   worth   more   t)    us   tlian 
any   other   advertising.     Our   athletic   goods   nuist 
gi\e  satisfaction.    Our  stock  is  complete 

We    Guarantee — Buy    Where    You    Get    Satisfaction 

KNOWLTON   &  BENNETT 

lie  lyfoi]  ill  Hvcnj  Lnir  We  Viirrii 
URBANA 


ANNOUNCING 
THE  OPENING 

OF 


KENNEDY?  O 
ANDIE    O 


IN  THE  NEW 
BUILDING 


605  E.  Green  St. 


I    i 


[11 


I 

I 

! 
4 


503704 


STUDENT 
LAMPS 

OF  EVERY  DESCRIPTION 


We  Cany  a 

Line  That  Will 

Please  You 


LOOK    'EM 
0\^R 


IDEAL  ELECTRIC 

CONSTRUCTION  CO. 

OpposHc  Innuni  Hotel 


* 


YOU'LL   UKE   IT 
at  the 

"Delicat" 

ON  THIRD  ST. 


Wheie  service  is  ahvays 

clean  and  food  is  ahvays 

\\holesome  ana 

appetizing 


OPEN 

UNTIL 

MIDNIGHT 


Of  Puritans 

Wr'rr  (ill  been  .'^irrariii;/  ill  the 
I'lirildiix. 

lie  kiioir  Hint  their  i.s  u  break 
iritli  the  iHist  nije,  and  we  are 
edijer  Ut  assist  in  the  revolt.  ^Ve 
have,  a  (jreat  many  of  lis,  made 
our  war-cry  "Damn  the  Puritans". 

AH  that  ice  do  not  like,  nil  that 
ofiiire.sses  us,  ire  hlaiiie  on  "Con- 
teiiijnirary  Puritanism." 

The  SJREN  has  just  been  eon- 
rerted  to  another  vicir. 

Our  Doctor  Stuart  P.  Sherniun, 
writing  in  the  Sejjtember  Atlan- 
tic, under  the  title  "What  is  a 
Puritan?",  has  imth  sane  brilli- 
ance knocked  all  the  prevailing 
notions  of  Puritanism  into  a  cock- 
ed hat.  No  attempt  can  here  be 
made  at  a  review,  but  it  is  im- 
jios.sible  to  forbear  a   quotation. 


'A     good 


G.  A.  OSTRAND 
Prop. 

+. — ™ — „ — ., — ., — ., — „ — „. — ,. — .. — „ — „ — .^, 


iiiaiiy  ages  before 
Koine  was  foinided,  or  Athens,  or 
Ancient  Troy,  or  Babylon,  or 
Xineveli,  there  was  an  umbragious 
banyan  tree  in  India,  in  whose 
wide-spieading  toj)  and  populous 
branches  red  and  blue  baboons, 
chimpanzees,  gorillas,  orang-ou- 
tangs, and  a  missing  group  of  an- 
thropoid ape.s  had  chattered  and 
fought  an<l  flirted  and  feasted  and 
intoxicated  themselves  on  coconut 
wine  (or  a  thousand  years.  At 
some  date  which  I  can't  i\x  with 
accuracy,  the  clatter  and  mess 
and  wrangling  of  arborial  simian 
society  began  to  pall  on  the  heart 
of  one  of  the  anthrojinid  apes. 
He  was  not  happy.  He  was  afflict 
cd  with  ennui.  He  felt  stirring 
somewhere  in  the  region  of  his 
diaphragm  a  yearning  and  a  ca- 
pacity for  a  new  life.  His  ideas 
were  vague;  but  he  resolved  to 
make  a  break  for  freedom  and 
try  an  experiuuuit.  He  crawled 
nervously  out  to  the  end  of  his 
branch,  followed  by  a  few  of  his 
friends,  hesitated  a  moment;  then 
exclaimed  abruptly,  'Here's  where 
[  get  off,'  dropped  to  the  ground. 


lighted  on  his  feet,  and  amid  a 
pelting  of  decayed  fruit  and  coco- 
nut shells  and  derisive  shouts  of 
•l)recisian'  and  'hypocrite",  walked 
I  iff  on  his  hind  legs  to  another 
(piai'ter  of  the  jungle  and  founded 
the  luunan  race.  That  wa.s  the  lirst 
Puritan." 

I'll  is  article  in  its  entirety, 
irhich  is  urgently  recommended 
to  you,  has  caused  the  Old  Girl 
to  "about  face''  in  her  unregener- 
iite  tracks  and  declare  that  hence- 
forlli,  come  what  may,  she  is  a 
Puritan. 

S 

She:  Oh,  dont  call  me  Miss 
Jones. 

He  (Just  introduced  I  :  ^^'llat 
shall  I  call  you,  dear? 

She:    ify  nanu'  is  Jliss   Smith. 
—Lord  Jeff. 

S 

''How  can  I  keep  my  toes  from 
going  to  .sleep?" 

''Dont  let  them  turn  in.'' 

—North   Star. 


I 


Things 
Electrical 


Stcdent  La»[ps 

Electric  Iboxs 

Toasters 

FiXTURKS 


We  do  Expert  Wiring 


CHANDLER 

ELECTRIC 

SHOP 

107  W.  Main  St. 


I 


I 

I 


[2J 


To  My  Landlord 

Keep,  O  my  friend,  yotir  Croesan  Wealth. 
And  keep  your  costly  Inintiuf;  hounds. 
Your  limousines  and  spacious  j;rounds — 
So  be  it  I  may  keep  my  liealth : 
Health,  and  mere  wlierewitiial  to  pay 
For  goodly  meals  of  tender  steak. 
And  small  baked  tish.  and  frosted  cake. 
And  for  my  pipe,  at  elo.se  of  day. 
For  I  can  till  my  worthy  tum. 
And  smoke  thereafter,  most  content. 
Forgetful  of  my  next  month's  rent. 
And  heedless  of  the  wrath  to  come; 
While  you  your  mealtimes  disarrange. 
And  exercise  your  intellect 
80  that  my  rent  you  can  collect. 
Keep  all,  Ljindlordl   I  wont  exchange! 

— Phiitias  I'ir/i/''. 


-S- 


A  Frame-up 


"Fm  sorry  to  have  to  do  this."  said  little 
•lolinny.  as  he  spread  the  jam  on  the  baliy's  face, 
•but  I  can't  have  suspicion  pointing  its  linger  at 
me."— EVERYBODY'S  ilAGAZIXE. 

"Topics  of  the  Day"  Fihns. 


Films  Developed 
and  Printed 

25c  Per  Roll— Any  Size 

ScuiI  '2Tw  per  roll  of  si.\  which  we 
w  ill  develop,  prinl  and  i-eturn  same  day 
i-eceived.  'A  cents  rebated  on  ail  blank, 
imperfect  or  non-iirintal)le  tilms.  High- 
est grade  professional  workmanshi]! 
guaranteed.  Perfect  .system  insures 
.igainst  any  possilile  loss  of  tilms. 

8x10  Enlargement  Free 

Enclose  any  favorite  old  negative  with 
your  order  and  we  will  make  you  a  hand- 
some 8  X  10  enlargement  free,  if  you  send 
us  name  and   address  of  another   Kodaker. 

20"^  Saved  on  All  Photo 
Supplies 

Your  first  25c  order  brings  coupons 
and  membership  privilege  in  our  co-opera- 
tive buying  service,  giving  you  209r  cash 
saving  on  cameras,  films  and  all  standard 
photo  supplies.    Money  back  guarantee. 

MAIL  ORDER  FILM  SERVICE 

Box  Milwaukee,  Wis. 


Announcing  the  opening 
of  a  newer,  finer 


ruder  .same  management  with 
the  Court  House  Cafe. 


Cafeteria 


A  CAFETERIA  ]>1STI  .\"(  MISIIED 
FROM  THE  REST  BY  THE  Sl- 
PREME  QFALITY  ()F  ITS  FOOD 
AND  THE  CLEANLINESS  OF  ITS 
SERVICE. 


Now  open  to 
students 


Gilliland's 
Cafeteria 


IKBANA 


Race  Street,  .lust  ott'  Main 


— + 

i 


■+ 
-+ 


I 

■■+ 


[3] 


G.  W.  Lawrence 

Music  Store 

Tlif  only  jilacc  you  liavc  a 
choice  of  rcconls.  ('(iliiiiil)ia. 
\'ictor,  or  ISniiiswick.  Cul- 
uiiil)in,  Jtriiiiswick  ami  \"ic 
lor  plioiiogra]ilis. 


Come  ill  and  let  us  demon.strate 
the   different    tones  for  you. 


We  also  have  a  large  line 

of  string   instruments  and 

Saxaplioiies. 


G.  W.  LAWRENCE 

112  W.  Main  Street 
URBANA 


t       A  Friendly  Warning 

("Oir  llic  Hccord") 

^^'(■  know  tliat  Missouri  is  tlic 
best  state  in  till'  I'nion  and  pro- 
duces "everytliinii" ;  tint  we  are 
asKinished  to  lind  tliat  we  pro- 
duce such  an  animal  as  is  describ- 
ed in  this,  from  the  De  Kalb  Trib- 
une : 

1'lfIS  is  "Some  ("ow". 

FOR  SALE — A  cow  that  gives 
li\e  (|uaits  of  milk  a  day,  a  set  of 
fiolf  sticks,  a  set  of  law  l)ooks.  and 
a   very  tine  overcoat. 

lA't  US  suggest  that  you  pur- 
cbase  this  iihenoniinal  animal  for 
fear  the  "Heef  Trust"  miglit  ob- 
tain the  same,  then  we  can  see 
your  "hnish".  Voii  might  inter- 
est certain  other  manufacturers 
in  securing  a  part  interest  in  this 
apoilicfic  animal. — L.  AV.  Boolier. 
S 


I 

1 
I 

■4 


("rawlish  and  Sliad — 
( 'rawlish  and  Shad — 
A\'lien  Hush  ^Veek  is  o\-er 
The    I'^rosh   are  in    Had ! 


Dance 
Programs 

PARKER  FOUNTAIN 
PENS 

STATIONERY 

BULLETINS 

Our  work  has  a  quality  and 

distinctiveness  that  we  feel 

certain  will  appeal 

to  you 


GEO.  D.  LOUDEN 

PRINTING 

CO. 

]V(ihiiil   St..   ClKiiii iMiiini 


— + 


Now  Featuring 
Electrical  Goods 


student  lamps  at  $2.50,  $3.50  and  up.  Drop  cord,  sockets, 
switches,  plugs,  Mazda  lamps,  flashlights,  liatterie.s,  irons, 
and  all  kinds  of  electrical  fittings  for  making  a  good  study 
light. 


Fountain  Pens 


A  very  large  stock  of  Nationally  )\iiown  Pens  selected  for 
easy  writing  qualities  and  large  ink  capacity,  from  $l.oo  uii. 
The  New  50-cent  Evershaip.  Ivorlne  pens  in  Colo's,  and 
the  Large  Lifetime  Pens  are  in  stock. 


KODAK 
FINISHING 

We  will  maintain  tlie 
sanifi  liigli  standard 
for  Kodak  Finishing 
Results  as  in  past 
years.  Film  left  be- 
fore 0:00  is  ready 
after  r-:30.  We  carry 
a  large  stock  of  Ko- 
daks and  fresh  sup- 
plies. 


The  Hume  of  Good 
Photo  Finishing 


1 


STRAUCH  PHOTO -CRAFT  HOUSE 

Adjoining  Campus  at  625  So.  Wright  Street 


I4| 


MAKE  THIS 
YOUR  BANK 


Your  account  is  welcome  at 
this  bank  whether  large  or 
small.  No  charge  for  service 
or  advice. 


A  GOOD  BANK  IN  A  GOOD  TOWN 


FIRST  STATE  BANK 

URBANA 


i.'.j 


iMiiiiiiiMiaiiniiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiMiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiMiiiiiiniiiiiiMiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitviiiM 


The  Store  in  the  Center  of  the  600  Block  on  Green  St. 


TEXT  BOOKS 

NEW  AND  SECOND  HAND 


llltllllMIIIIIIIIIIIIKIIl IIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII lllllllllllllltllllDIIHIIIIIMIIII 


I  Engineering  and  Artist  Supplies 

j  i  Stationery  and  Music 

I  I       Spalding  Athletic  Equipment 
I  Fountain  Pens 

I  i  Leather  Note  Books 


IIMIMIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIllllllllllllllllMltllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllR 


Service  Saving 

Satisfaction 


STUDENTCUPPLYCTORE 
'ervice       f  Ja-s/irK^     f  Ja^  isfaci  ion 


I  606  East  Green  Street  | 

I  "Chuck"  Bailey  managers  Shelby  Himes  | 

a  5 

ITiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiniiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiitiiii^ 

[6] 


Heury  Saginaw  Bush,  up  from  Hoopsake  Hollow,  Kentucky,  for  a  liberal  education,  is  on  his  fir.st 
College  Day  confronted  by  the  Widow  Schlink,  to  whom  he  ha.s  applied  for  lodging  and  cookies.  Tlie 
Widow,  after  informing  Henry  that  there  might  be  a  room  left  at  the  rate  of  twenty  fivg  or  thirty 
berries  a  month,  is  asking  some  few  impersonal  questions,  such  as  Do  you  smoke?  Are  you  honest? 
Do  you  go  to  church?   How  old  are  you?    What  do  your  Folks  amount  to  where  you   come  from? 

Henry,  whose  Daddy  told  him  that  he'd  find  the  No'thuhners  a  funny  lot.  is  a  bit  nonplussed  but 
is  bearing  up  manfully,  since  he  has  two  more  addresses  on  bis  list. 


[7J 


T.  v.  BoritLANOj  IJditor 
MoitciAX  I.  Fitch,  Busiiicsfi  M<jr. 

Lem  Pliillijis 
A.  L.  Straus 
Agnes  ^'I■o(Mll:lIl 
O.  D.  Binge 
John  Lawder 
L.  M.  Stormont 
P.  B.  Bass 
Kex  Saffer 
.   Leonard  Hnnt 
W.  P.  Lindley 


(iiioKiJE  H.  SwiTZKK,  Art  Editor 
<i.  \.  BrcHAXAX,  Jr.  Coiitril)utiii<j  Editor 
Jai'k  Titti.e,  E-rrlKiiii/c  I'dilor 


Art 
C.  W.  Banglunaii 
M.  E.  Ma IX 
John  J.  Bresee 
E.  W.  Honian 
Beatrice  Adams 
Elmer  Marx 
Shannon  Meriwether 
Elizabeth  Boggs 
P.  Ackerman 


Business 
G.  E.  Darling 
E.  J.  Weber 
E.  Ferguson 
J.  A.  Nnckolls 
H.   Fechtnian 
E.  F.  Lethen 
L.  E.  Fortier 
E.  D.  Fowler 


Puhlishcd  nioiitlilfi  l)i/  tlir  llliiii  I'liblisliiiu/  Coiiipaii!/,  E nirrrsiti/  of  Illinois  dnriiif/  thr  collcf/r  year.  En- 
tered as  sccovd-class  matter  at  the  postoffi<-e  at  Urhaiia,  Illinois,  liii  ad  oi  Confiress,  March  J,  ISlil. 
Office  of  ptMicatio)h  Illiiii  Puhlishing  CUniijHiii!/.  Suhscriittian  jiricr.  SI.-'iO  Ihr  i/'tir  local,  -fH.!'.')  hi/  mail. 
Address  all  communications  to  v.tf  Vniversifi/  Hall,  Inhana,  Illinois. 


THE  OLD  (JIEL.  rXDEK  THE  ISrAL  NEW 
management,  proposes  with  the  nsiial  complac- 
ency tlmt  she  do  the  nsnal  (ireat  tilings.  All  tlie 
otiier  magazines,  paiievs.  Iiroclnires,  and  prospecti 
are  doing  it,  so  why  nut  tlie  (>1<I  <iiil? 

The  SIREN  liit  Ikt  stride — or  slionldn't  it  be 
'stroke',  since  she  is  in-csnniahly  an  aipiatic  crcatnre? 
— some  years  ago,  and  now  considers  tliat  her  dnty 
will  be  amjdy  consummated  if  ]>y  liic  end  (if  tlie  bnig 
ami  hectic  year  that's  coming  siie  will  iiave  nplield 
former  standards. 

Natnrally.  no  self  respecting  Siren  will   let  tra- 


ditions retard  an  occasiunal  forward  strcike.  One 
iinist  keep  abreast  (if  the  times.  Therefore  with  the 
limes  will  the  SI  KEX  deal;  lier  pictured  youths 
will  not  wear  half-incli  collars  when  three-quarter- 
iiu'h  collars  are  en  i-ci/le;  iier  (juips  will  deal  but 
rarely  with  oysters  when  the  name  of  tlie  current 
month  lacks  the  letrer  K;  to  crown  all,  the  SIREN 
will  never,  never,  never  print  diatribes  against  tlie 
Toddle,  so  help  her  Jlrs.   Castle! 

The  Old  (Jirls  triune  of  attributes,  inventoried 
in  'seventeen  by  -Mr.  Kaiiliaelson  as  "Nonsense, 
Satire,  Criticism",  will  be  assiduously  kept  in  view, 
for  these  three  attributes  are  the  pure  white  gems 
of  her  treasury. 

Nonsense  makes  you  smile — nay,  laugh  at  in- 
tervals, and  that  is  good. 

Satire  nuikes  you  think  within  yourself,  '"I've 
often  said  so  myself," — and  that  is  good. 

Criticism  makes  you  point  your  finger,  saying, 
".Mind  that,  In-ol  lici- !"  -aucl   that  is  good  .-ilso. 


[S] 


HREN 


A  lt'>;.s  (It'sirnlile  triune  of  ;ittrilnit»'s.  which  has 
tTujiped  up  in  the  weedy  spots  of  all  college  maga- 
zines, will  be  avoided.  These  thi-ee  are  Smut,  Cyni- 
cism, and  High  Seriousness. 

Smut  intrigues  the  iiudesiraltles — and  thai  is 
had. 

Cynicism  rei>el.s  healthy  people,  and  that  is  had. 

High  Seriousness  isn't  had.  but  it  belongs  to 
the  seminars,  the  pulpits,  and  the  bridge  tables — 
and  in  no  wise  do  the.se  things  concern  the  Old 
(lirl. 

X'lW.  with  these  things  in  her  seductive  eyes, 
the  SIKEX  bids  you  good  morning,  and  asks  for 
your  sympathy,  sup]>ort.  kindly  criticism,  and  gen- 
eral tolerance. 


There's  quite  a  year  ahead. 


OF  ACTIVITY  lAZ  AND  ACTIVITY  JAKE  LET 
this  be  said:  that  their  intentions,  though  good, 
are  far  too  numerous.  That  students  should  have 
pursuits,  apart  from  study,  in  which  to  e.\ercise  in- 
itiative and  bear  responsibility,  is  without  doul>t  a 
laudable  principle,  but  that  activities  should  mul- 
tiply, di\ide,  and  multiply  again  is  deplorable. 

Here  at  Illinois,  clubs,  fraternities  professional 
and  extra -professional,  guilds  honorary  and  senii- 
sub-rosa.  saltals  with  constitutions,  societies  for  the 
advancement  of  je-ne-sais-quoi,  associations  of  stam- 
merers, grocers'-grandsons,  ])eople  from  Bo.skertown. 
Texas,  tuba-players,  nature-lovers,  red-heads,  pink- 
heads,  white^heads,  and  fat-heads — have  become  so 
numerous  that  in  pledging  sea.son  the  campus  looks 
like  a  Sausage  Stutters'  Convention  with  ribbons. 
and  the  average  weskit  become  tattered  over  the 
heart  within  a  month. 

Doubtless,  if  the  alisurdity  flourishes,  otticial 
curb  will  be  put  upon  it.  Since  that  would  cause 
much  pouting  among  the  undergraduates,  together 
with  a  touch  of  So]dioinore  Bolshevism,  the  intelli- 
gent solution  of  the  problem  seems  to  be  the  exer 
ci.se  of  individual  intelligence  by  the  student  him 
self. 

AVhen  three  gather  together  over  a  coke-lemon, 
and  discover  that  they  are  all  interested  in  ])sycho 
analysis,  or  Babe  Ruth,  or  tliat  they  all  linii>  cm  the 


left  foot,  let  them  not  l>uy  pins  and  write  a  consti- 
tution and  arrauge  for  a  meeting  a  fortnight  come 
Tuesday;  rather  let  them  cherish  secretly  that  com- 
mon bond  of  theirs,  and  meet  modestly  ami  inf<u-mal- 
ly  some  other  day — ovci'  liftcen  cents  wniih  of  coke- 
lemon  plus  war  tax. 

In  a  large  university,  there  is  excuse  for  a  large 
nundter  of  student  organizations. 

But  if  the  proper  quota  of  frats,  here  at  Illinois, 
has  not  been  exceeded  by  forty  percent,  the  Siren 
will  iguominiously  eat  her  Easter  bonnet. 

Man  has  been  diversely  defined. 

Here,  he  is  a  pin-bearing  animal. 


-S- 


Yl]  lawyers,  corporals  in  KOTC.  students  in  Ec. 
1.  and  "thinking  persons''  in  general — give  a 
Thought  to  disarmament. 

In  the  Atlantic  for  August  of  this  year.  Mr. 
Frank  I.  Cobb  writes : 

"And  so  Europe  was  plunged  in  blood  in  con- 
sequence of  a  military  panic  that  had  its  origin  in 
an  economic  emergency,  which  in  turn  was  produced 
by  competitive  armament.'' 

And  on  the  other  side  of  this  fence  of  words 
is  what  Mr.  Lybyer  might  have  pictured  as  a  num- 
ber of  bank  robT>ers.  forgathered  unexpectedly  about 
a  safe,  and  eyeing  one  another  with  mingled  sus- 
picion and  professional  sympathy. 

Figure  it  out  to  yourself. 


LAST  YEAK.  WHEN  1>K.  AVOULBERT  ingen- 
iously pieced  together  the  words  "Build  that 
Stadium  for  Fighting  lllini"  there  was  brought 
into  being  a  slogan  which  is  at  this  time  literally 
sweeping  the  country.  For  the  Fighting  lllini.  the 
men  who  gave  body,  brains,  and  life  itself  to  the 
service  of  civilization,  and  f(U-  the  men  who,  in  the 
future,  will  give  freely  of  their  mind  and  body  and 
time  on  the  athletic  field,  the  financial  framework 
of  a  great  Stadium  is  being  erected  under  our  eyes. 

(rivers  are  everj"where,  from  coast  to  coast  and 
beyond  the  coasts,  for  as  excellent  a  project  as  it 
has  ever  been  our  jirivilege  to  support. 


[9] 


JIREN 


'ram-US  :    Coiildu't  s\vv[>  a  wink  last  iiiglit  on  ai-c-ouul  of  that  lobstei'. 
I  rsns:    And  1  couldn't  either — on  account  of  that  confounded  cat. 
Tanrns:    JIv  dcai-  fellow    I    1    Yon  eat  cats   ? 


Hoch  der  Hokku! 

A     IK  II'    n  rsr    fitriii    is    inside    inir    midst.      Tin 
]lol;kii.    \o  Iioiiic  is  iioir  (■(niiplitf  iritlioiit  ii  hokku. 


IV. — Angry 

The  s.)utheasl    wind   l)lo\>s   like   licll — \m\\ — imfl' — - 

I'ntr  - 

A  nnt   di-oi)s  to  till'  pMciiicnt. 


/;(    the    Illinois   Mdf/dziiir.   mid    in    otJicr   inof/iizincs 

di  iiihd  til  Tliiiii/s  nf  llir  spirit.    ]Vli(lt  is  it?    Simple.  V. — Sunday 

A    rrrsr  <i)iil<ii  nini/  s,ri  iitn  n  si/lliitiirs,  and  I'.rprcss-      The  strident   hell   of   Ihe   Hij;    IJeii   cnts  lh,-oiij;h   tin- 

/////  an   iiniiiiitii — ii   drtiriilr  sjiiidr  of  ficliii;/ — (I   lilt-      icvaiv! 

(nice — iin  ruiip  dt   itoisrttc.  Pay  no  heed  ' 

It  tscfiiis  til  have  come  from  ■lupnii.  irliire  those 
iiitrrrstinii  littli-  piiipic  liiini/  out,  and  it's  very,  very  VI. — Coca  Cola 

Iiii/litiroir.     \ot    III    hr   oiitdonr   tiy   llir    i ntilliyciicia      The  Sun  .shines  on  Ihe  street  with  heat  waves; 
of  the  III.  Man..  II"    N//>'/>.V  offrr-s  tlir  folloiriny :—  Nol.ody  knows  how  dry  J  am. 

scn-ntriii   si/llahlis — no   inure,  iin   less: 

I— Futility 
The  crescent    moon  i-ises  about   ten  o'clock   this 
weather: 

I  can't   help  it. 

//. — Grandma 

liidcr  the  jnni|icr  tree  she  sits  all  day. 
Cliewiny   Star  tobacco. 


VII.— Finish 

l)o  yon  think  there  is  anythinji  in  this  Hokku  stuff"/ 
Neither  do  1. 


-S- 


III.— Shudder 

1  thouiiht   a  -Inne  Hnsi  ]>erched   n]ion  my  shoulder- 
yet— 
This   is   S(Mitc'ndier  ! 


Veil!    Veil! 

Scene:    ICli-valor  in  Chicago  Beach  Hotel. 
Just   Arrived:     Are    there   many    (ientiles   here 

Habitue:    Not  enonyh  to  be  annoying. 


IIOJ 


JIKEN 


0       00|Op»|C3l!OtaC3»«»«;,  « H  ••IM^'^^C 


Thomas:    I'll  i)lay  the  Ihrcc-lcill  on  tlic  (•unicr  .  . 
.IciTold  :    Veil — and  I'll  dii  tli<'  saiiic  witli   my  walcli  if  yim  makf  the  point. 


Oh,  Summer!  Sweet 
Summer ! 

A   i.yrical   Uci>oi-l 

Lust  Sid-iiiji,  Alas.  I  took  cx- 
aiiis  too  (U-eii  for  my  invention, 
anil  so  (lesiiitc  my  Insty  damns  I 
fliiid<(Ml  |iast  contiavcntion ;  my 
parents,  all  inimical,  i-cniaiked  1 
was  a  fool,  an<l  so,  no  lonjier  eyni- 
cal,  I  went  to  Siimmei'  Seliool. 
Now  Summer  School  is  not,  my 
friends,  a  pill  of  ill  digesting,  nor 
vet  a  gronj)  of  Odds  and  Kn<ls, 
too  lazy  e'n  foi-  resting.  I  found, 
iudeed,  that  barring  heat,  'twas 
like  the  Winter  Session — except, 
instead  of  Politics,  the  Teachers 
luid  ])osse.ssi()n. 

a        *        ^:-        -^ 

I'rom  Iloopsnake  Heights  and 
Kinderhook.  Chicago  and  Ska 
poose,  they  came  with  goggle  and 
with  book,  and  hair  done  np  real 
loose.  The  youngish  chaps  with 
white  neck-ties,  and  older  girls 
with    freckles,    all    gathered    that 


llicy  might  be  wise,  on  Chemistry  I'm    glad     I    went    to    Summer 

and   Spreckles,  on  iMlucatioii  One  School,  for  (jnite  a  flock  of  reas- 

and    Three,   on   History   and    Art.  ons,  to  wil  :    I've  learned  a  simple 

on    Hebrew    and    <  iengraphy,   and  rule  to  occujjy   the  seasons;    I've 

\>'oidswor1h.  jiart   by   part.    They  met    with    joy    the    High    School 

sat    about    'most    everywhere,   and  UAks  who  ediu-.-ile  the  Nation  .  .  . 

talked    in    ernest    tones    of    what  '' 

Doc.  I'anl  said  of  \'oltaire,  or  Krb  l!ni   what   llio\iglil   most  my  lar- 

of  overtones.  nyx    chokes,    is    this:      I'm    OFV 

r  KOI!  AT  I  ox: 

---  «  -r-  "f 

S ■ 


These    educators    of    the    young  Tea  and  Oreen  Hiver — 

filled     me     with     admiration,     be-  'Pi'a  and  tireen  Hiver — 

cause     I     knew    their    brain    and  AA'hen  danciii" 

tongue,    would    mold    i)\ir    future  ](    ij.,,( 

uation.    And  while  in  class  1  used  (Jood  manners 

to    sit    and    watch    their    waving  q',,  shiver. 


hands,  while  they  I  he  Lamp  of 
Knowledge  lit.  and  Time  poured 
out  his  Sands:  with  awe  plain- 
written  <in  my  face  I'd  think  how 
these  same  birds,  would  go  ami 
hand  the  Human  Uacc  these  same 
ex|i('nsi\c  words.  While  tears  of 
Joy  pouri'd  down  my  face  I'd  thiid'C 
how  they  would  mold  my  graml- 
cliildren  to  lill  the  place  theii- 
(Jr.-mddad    used    to  hold. 


-S- 


Marjie    have    you     licen     smok- 
ing'.'" 

"Xo,   niollier." 

•••I!ut    yiMll-   lil-eatii    smells   of    to- 
bacco." 

"l^'atlier    kissc<l    mi'    good-bye." 
"Mul    lallier   doesn'i    smoke." 
"I  know  it  nioilicr.  bnl  his  steu 
on  does." 


[11] 


imEN 


1970? 


The  moon  was  a  dissk  of  gold. 

Fevdaiaiul  Meeqiie  aud  Neva 
Roberts  were  seated  on  a  rustic 
liencli  in  a  spot  snrronnde<l  witli 
tall  lilac  bnslies.  Only  tlic  confid- 
ing moonbeams  drifted  through 
to  disturb  tlie  ecstacy  of  these 
lovers.  Or,  should  T  say  the  ec- 
stacy  of  oue  of  tlic  lovers?  For 
Neva  was  uot  the  ecstatic  Icind. 
She  had  come  to  scliool  with  a 
view  to  accomplishing  a  very  def- 
inite purpose.  Neva  was  going  1o 
do  welfare  work.  She  often  said, 
''I  shall  attempt  to  devise  ways 
to  educate  these  poor  slum  child- 
ren. Even  tliough  they  arc  infer- 
ior, they  have  some  possibilities." 

"Neva,  dear,  you  know  I  love 
you'',  ventured  Ferdie,  meekly. 
On  this  particular  evening  he  had 
firmly  resolved  to  uid>urden  to 
her  the  thoughts  that  had  occu- 
pied his  mind  for  many  days. 

He  slipped  a  trendjling  arm 
about  her  waist.  She  did  not  ob- 
ject— so  he  squeezed,  oh — ever  so 
little,  but  quite  enough  to  send  a 
shiver  thru  his  delicate  anatomy. 
She  adjusted  her  horn-rim  glasses 
and  said,  "I  know  you  do,  Ferdin- 
and. You  are  very  delightful — 
and  I  like  you.  But  I  can  never 
marry.  My  poor  slum  children 
must  be  cared  for." 

"Damn",  said  Ferdie — and  Neva 
was  insulted.  Slie  would  not  lis- 
ten to  explanation   or  apology. 

Ferdinand  Meeque  left  Iier.  He 
was  broken  in  spirit. 

The  old  moon  seemed  to  smile. 
Why     shouldn't     the     old     moon 


r 

••            — 

\ 

I 
w 

^ 

\ 

4j 

151    . 

/ 

^j 

The  football  player  is  a   gent 

Deserving  of  respect ; 

(3f  his  prowess  he's  reticent ; 

He'.s  modest,  we  suspect. 

Oh  look  at  him,  my  pretty  dear, 

Kegard  him  kick  that  ball — 

Hut  if  yon  look  too  long,  I  fear 

Y'ou'll  be  due  for  a  fall. 

For  little  girls  he  fascinates — 

Tliough  not  by  liis  intention — 

And    so,    my    dears,    I    pray    tlie 

Fates 
To  derange  your  attention. 
S 

That  evil  wishes  come  home  to 
roost  is  illustrated  in  "The  Cat 
and  The  Canary". 

smile.  He  and  Ferdie  were  the 
sole  possessors  of  a  secret.  None 
but  they  knew  that  the  cause 
which  provoked  the  quarrel  was 
a  painful  burn  on  Ferdie's  neck, 
Neva  always  was  a  bit  careless  in 
handling  her  cigarettes. — J.L. 


Popular  Superstitions 

1.  That  the  left  hind  foot  of 
a  rabbit  is  lucky  if  you  have  the 
rest  of  the  rabbit. 

12.  Tiiat  it  is  unlucky  to  slee]! 
thirteen  in  a  bed. 

3.  It  is  fatal  to  cut  your  liii- 
ger-nails  while  holding  tlie  scis- 
sors with  both  liaiids. 

1.  That  ill  fortune  will  pur- 
sue one  who  calls  on  the  Dean  of 
Men  with  one  shoe  on. 

5.  That  lobster  salad  and  ice 
cream  should  never  be  eaten  to- 
gether on  Wednesday. 

(>.  Tliat  a  diamond  watch, 
worn  about  the  left  wrist  on  a 
platinum  band,  will  secure  one 
from  Jninger  in  time  of  need. 

7.  That  to  step  over  a  thumb 
tack  averts  ill  fortune. 

8.  That  a  pole-kitten,  car.rjed 
in  a  reticule,  will  keep  one's 
enemies  at  a  distance. 

9.  That  passing  under  a  lad- 
der is  considered  unlucky.  Al- 
ways climb  over  it,  especially  if 
it  lies  flat  on  the  ground. 

10.  That  a  man,  splitting  wood 
in  August,  signifies  that  an  early 
winter  will  ensue. 

• — S 

Anacreontic 

Hear  lies  dear  \\'illiani  Jennings 

Stew 
Wlio  mixed  a  mash  for  liis  home 

brew ; 
The  stuff  exploded  with  a   crash 
Now  William  Jennings  is  the 

masli. — A.L.S. 


te  - . 

If  1  had  my  choice 
Of  numerous  madames 
I'd  choo.se  one  by  Brinkley 
Or  Beatrice  Adams. 


,DRAV/^    &y     £zATR|[:5    Ai\/^/\y®  o 


[121 


A  Word  of  Caution  to 
Contributors 

The  SIRE^'  iuvites  your  atten- 
tion to  this  short  iuventory  of 
material  which  she  does  not  care 
ti)  print,  in  the  hope  that  you  will 
iiDt  waste  time  in  jireparing  ami 
sulimittiug  it : 

].  "Wheezes  about  the  iSouth 
("ampus,  containing  the  words 
Spooning,  Crooning,  ami  Moon- 
ing. 

'2.  Diatribes  for  ami  againsi  T. 
X.E. 

;!.  Jokes  dependant  on  vulgar- 
ity for  their  kick. 

i.  Jokes  from  whieh  necessary 
vulgarity  has  been  expurgated. 

.">.  Limericks  that  do  not  scan. 

G.  Slush,  including  political 
jiropaganda. 

7.  Insults  to  any  worthy  cause. 
institutions,  or  person. 

S.  Flattery  of  any  unworthy 
cau.se,  institution,  or  person. 

9.  Drawings  copied  from  collar 
a.ls. 

10.  Drawings  copied  from  La  Tic 
Parisieinic. 

*     *     *     it 

These  ten  Verbotcii — etfects  may 
seem,  at  first  blush,  to  eliminate 
all  legitimate  College  Magazine 
subjects.  Consider  them  a  bit.  and 
it  will  be  evident  that  hundreds 
of  things  are  left  to  write  ■  and 
draw.  The  Old  Girl  wants  your 
contributions,  wishes  you  to  have 
a  wide  range  in  the  selection  of 
subjects,  urges  you  to  draw  on 
your  own  imaginations,  and  de- 
crees that  the  above  ten  items  be 
I'liminated  from  your  work. 

Better  a  blank  page  than  a  page 
of  rot. —The  Editor. 

S . 

Questions  Which  Have 
Bothered  Me 

I.  How  dues  a  cow  feel  when  it 
lows  ? 

II.  Does  tripe  grow  on  tri- 
pods ? 

III.  AVhat  does  a  clianielion 
taste  like? — Summer  Scout. 


IN  MEMORIAM 

RAOUL  HARVEY 


Who  has  drunk  his  last 
bidon  of  shellac,  and  tittered 
his  last  morsel  of  home- 
grown philosophy  which  was : 

"Be  warned  by  my  fate, 
lioys,  and  stick  to  the  known 
lirands  I" 


Green  Street  in  Summer 

Pairs  of  spectacled  girls,  talk- 
ing in  low,  passionate  tones  of 
Domestic  Science  in  Palestine. 
Young  men  without  neckties,  hold- 
ing up  the  Arcade  and  telling  the 
story  about  the  two  travelling 
men.  Mature  persons  in  white 
cravats  on  their  way  to  the  Ag 
building  and  a  glass  of  Bulgar- 
Lac.  Solemn  pedagogues  with 
their  coats  on,  wiping  their  fore- 
heads with  silk  kerchiefs.  BoIi 
headed  cuties  in  knee-lengths, 
trotting  over  to  Mosi"s  with  bi^ 
strong  men.  Tall  ladies  in  white 
flounces,  buying  talcum  powder 
and  picture  post-cards  at  local 
sliops.  Stiulents  of  Enginwn'ing. 
hustling  home  to  play  the  Sex- 
tette on  their  Cornets. — Summer 
Scout. 

S 


jmEN 


Homecoming ! 

Next  month — Homecoming  ! 

The  only  truly  independent  part 
of  a  man's — and  a  woman's — life 
is  that  four  years  in  college.  Be- 
fore college  the  average  man  has 
to  run  errands  for  and  report  to 
The  Folks,  and  after  college  lie 
has  to  run  errands  for  and  report 
to  The  Dearest  Little  Woman  in 
the  world. 

Therefore,  once  a  year,  the  grad" 
casts  off  the  rue  and  decks  iiim- 
.self  with  roses,  and  comes  Ijack 
to  Alma  for  an  inde])endent  week- 
end. 

He'll  be  back  here — next  month, 
independent  as  a  South  American 
Socialist. 

Let's  give  him  a  welcome  he'll 
never  forget. 

S 


"My  business  is  getting  rotten," 
said  the  horseman,  as  he  gazed  on 
his  dead  trotter. 


.Miss    Watsiname    playi'd    on    her 
harp 

In  the  dangerous  key  of  1'  sliari); 
The  sweet  melodic 
Killed  the  fish  in  the  sea. 

Excepting,  naturlich,   the  catp. 

Obviously 

Hungry  diner:  "A  la  carte  or 
a  regular  dinner?" 

Waitress :  "Fll  have  yoti  know 
we  serve  dinners  on  a  plate,  not 
a  cart."— A.L.S. 


[13] 


JIREN 


I 


.Alli-^S  BlKl),  till!  WEAllNAK  MOTH— as  far  as  an.v 
one  knows  she  has  no  Given  Name — is  with  ns,  as 
nsnal.  All  day  long  she  takes  notes  from  a  ]>latoon 
of  Worn  Books,  and  looks  Annoyed  whenever  some 
Blade  comes  in  to  Meet  a  Friend.  Yes,  she  will 
tea  ell. 


CORIOLANUS  BUFORI)  JAMES,  tlie  CONFER- 
ENCE HOUND,  who  is  always  to  he  spotted  across 
the  table  from  a  weary  jirof,  asking  said  prof,  all 
ahont  what  the  Futnre  holds  for  Diligent  Young 
Men,  and  what  Coriolanns  ought  to  read.  He  is 
morbidlj'  keen  after  advice,  and  likes  to  Talk  Ser- 
iously with  the  Older  Men.  Too  intelligent  to  waste 
his  time,  and  too  stupid  to  know  when  he  is  wasting 
it,  Coriolanns  will  (loiil)lless  live  long  and  prosper 
in  moderation. 


TERRY  MAC  DOI'dALL,  this  years  ATHLETIC 
WHITE  HOPE,  who  is  always  with  us  in  some  in 
carnation  or  other,  is  somewhat  confused  at  the 
Fame  that  has  been  thrusi  upon  him.  and  constantly 
reflects  that  he  did  not  receive  so  much  attention 
back  in  Shady  Dell.  He  is  here  shown  after  being 
introduced  to  the  Most  Popular  Girl;  Jack,  the  Man 
About  the  Arcade,  who  did  the  introducing,  looks 
on  with  the  feeling  that  he  is  in  Darn  (Jood  Com- 
pany. 


[14] 


JIREN 


GOKDON  PULITZER  (iOHDOX.  wixi  is  iin.iiiiiu'iil 
on  the  llini.  is  liaviiifi  liis  niuruiiij;  .lilie  at  tlio  Daily 
Trill,  r-roiii  the  Cartoon  to  the  A\'aiit  Ads,  Gordon 
tells  the  AA'orld  what  a  (lood  Xewspaiicr  should  be 
like.  Then  lie  will  <^n  over  to  The  Office,  read  jiroof. 
and  let  some  such  headliue  as  "Bolsheviki  Fish  for 
Avbitratiou''  slip  by  him.  Year  after  next  he  hopes 
to  be  a  Leg  Man  for  Mister  Hearst. 


I'AI'L  •DIKUV  Hi.AKi:iii;i.\i.  ili.'  SCMMIA.M 
«»K  HI{AI^LI•:^■.  learned  lo  ilaii<-e  wIhmi  lie  was  iliir- 
teen  and  has  never  learned  anylliin<i  since,  lie 
knows  lOvervliody,  and  l^xerybody  knows  liini.  lie 
will  ])roliably  Lasl  nntil  lie  is  a  •liinior.  When  llie 
Saxes  sliike  up.  and  Dnliliy  j;c1s  a  lirm  };rip  on 
the  Lucky  (iiiTs  shoulder  blade,  e\eiybody  stands 
around  with  llieir  .Monlirs  .Vjar.  Which  is  iii\aii 
ablv   niisnndersIoi)d   li\-    Ihihliw 


FLOUKV  SllAl'IKt),  Ihe  I  I'.OOK  (illOl^N.  is  shown 
liei-e  in  an  inliiiiale  pose  in  ilie  Sisterhood  I'lione 
Hoofh.  IIa\in<4:  been  called  down  Three  l''li};lils  troni 
her  Koiidoir  by  some  A\'ell  Uressed  P'ratler  who  has 
ilecided  that  lie  will  he  Lonesome  lliree  weeks  come 
Friday.  l'"lorry  isn't  Sure,  but  is  consnilinj;  The 
Hook.  I'^indinj;  the  {'veuiu};  N'acanl.  she  confers  Ilaji- 
l)iness  on  the  f^ratter.  In  jiisl  two  weeks  will  call 
his  Number  and  tell  him  .VII  about  .Molliei's  e.\- 
jiected   arrival  and    issue    liain    ("hecks. 


[15] 


HHEN 


A  Sonnet 


Entitled,  Nous  Somme  Id  Parceque  Nou 
Sommes  Ici 

We  sit,  O  Lenvned  Doctoi-,  at  your  feet, 

And  daily,  witii  our  ciistly  foiuitaiii  pens, 

Tal<e  notes  concernin;;  Hdinu  Sapiens, 

And  calcnlus  and  plant  disease  and  Crete; 

And   when   yon    say    "Black's    white  I"   we   write   il 

down. 
And  when  yon  prove  it  trne  we  acipnesce. 
Knowing  t'nll  well  no  errors  efi'ervesee, 
Beliind  the  stately  ranijiart  of  your  frown  ; 

Foi',  thongli  onr  brains  are  shronded  in  a  foy. 
And  though  onr  jioor   )ier(eptions  are  ([uite  rongli. 
And  thongh  a1   times  yon  leave  ns  ohfnseated. 
We  daily  stay  to  hear  your  nionolog. 
Because  we  know  it  we  stay  long  enough 
We  will,  in  (iod's  good  time,  be  educated. 
S 


Ike:    See  any  change  in  me? 

Mike:   No.   Why? 

Ike:   -Inst  swallowed  a  cent. 

S 


NoAV  and  then  one  hears  of  a  case  of  offended 
delicacy. 

Usually  a  reversion  to  the  olden  times,  where 
once,  in  Jlerrie  England,  a  judge  was  executed  for 
ruling  that  a  certain  archbishop  was  a  mammal. 

If  a  spade  isn't  a  spade,  Tt^hat  is  it? 
S 


Cautionary  Jigtime 

Cigarettes 

And  jdaying  cards, 

ilake  bad  pets 

xVs  Camelpards; 

If  you  would  see 

A  goodlj'  span 

Of  years,  don't  be 

A  betting  man. 

And  if  you  would 

Not  stunt  your  growth, 

Forgo  for  good 

The  fags,  on   oath. 

Or  so  they 

Say. 


Now  we've  Fatima  cigarettes,  Fatiina  hooks  and 

nets, 
Fatima  Turkish  candy,  anything  that's  handy. 
Anything  Oriental,  anything  ornamental. 
They  name  it  for  that  dame,  to  bring  the  product 

fame. 

Now  Mary  wants  to  live  in  far  off  Turkey  cross  the 

sea, 
"Cause  whenever  any  fellow  came  to  tarry, 
A^'liy  she  could  wear  a   veil  and  no  one  her  face 

■could  see; 
Then  maybe  she  could  get  someone  to  marry. — A.L.S. 


[16] 


The  Horrible  Ug 


A  Psychodrama  of  the  Wooziworld 


SCENE.    A  gloomy,  disco unigeil,  liealli,  with  a  lew 

trees. 
TIME.   Midni-lit.    (How  can  you  ask?) 
rEKSO>v'!S.    The  Ug. 

Pragmatic  Paul,  the  Philosophs'  I'ride. 
CURTAIN  RI8ES.    ENTER  PAUL,  PROM  TRAP 
DOOR. 
Paul:    1  hate  janitors!    To  be  kicked  out — and  'tis 

only   midnight.    The  seminars   should    hv   i>])en 

all  night.    The  restaurants  are. 
(A  low  moan  is  heard.    Paul  lights  a  cigarette) 

What  a  disgusting  illusion  ! 
(The  HORRIBLE  UO  enters,  from  an  old  P.A.  can 

which  lies  up.stage.   AYaves  arms,  glares,  drools, 

and  groans.) 
The  Ug:    Owooo — Awooo — Uwooo — Fish! 
Paul :  I  beg  your  pardon.   Dont  you  feel  well  ? 
(The  Ug  attempts  to  raise  one  eyebrow,  but  it  has 

no  eyebrows.    Yet  one  can  .see  that  the  Ug  is 

nonplussed.) 
The  Ug:    Oooooo — wufi    Oooooo — wuf! 
Paul:  Who  are  you? 
The  Ug:   I'm  a  ghost,  you  (lund)-hell. 
Paul:   I  see.  But  have  you  a  stomacli  ache? 
(The  Ug  is  aghast) 
The  Ug :    Why,  no. 
Paul:   Then  why  all  the  noise?    Y'ou'U  be  arrested, 

yon  know. 


The  Ug:     (P>right('niug   up  a   bit)     That's   to  scare 
you  with. 

Paul :    But  you  dont  scare  me. 

The  Ug:    AYuf!    E-e-e-eek!    Ow-wooo!    J)oesii"l   liiaL 
scare  you? 

Paul:    No. 

The  Ug :  Why  not  ? 

Paul:    Because  I  know  all  about  ghosts. 

The    Ug:     Goodness   gracious!     Yon    dont    tell    me! 
A^■llere  did  you  learn? 

Paul:     In   books,  and   from   my   teachers.     I   am   a 
major  in  Philosophy  you  know. 

The  Ug:    (Cordially)    Shake!    I  was  a  major  in  the 
Crimean  War! 

(Paul  e.xtends  a  languid  handi 

Paul:   Then  how  did  you  get  way  over  here? 

The  Ug:  (All  downcast)  Oh.  a  simple  great-grand 
daughter  of  mine  got  to  fo(ding  witii  a  Weejy 
Board,  and  called  me  up. 

I'anl :  (With  .sympathy)  I  understand.  They  arc 
very  inconsiderate.  But  you  cant  amount  to 
much  up  there  in  Heaven,  as  we  call  it,  for  con 
venience, — if  you  fool  with  Ouija  calls. 
Ug:  tBluslies  a  light  French  gray)  You're 
right.  I  dont  amount  to  much.  I'm  only  a  be- 
ginner, anyway,  and  the  highbrows  wont  have 
much  to  do  with  me.    There's  a  gang  of  us  that 


The 


(Continued   on   Page   Thirty-One) 


117] 


JIREN 


Bk  Bmrw  ®f  Soumiui'dPsiplg^.g).. 


HriiKj  II   diiij   tit  dill]  t'hriiiiiili-  of   thi    I>iii:ii/s  nj   iiiir 

iij  ilir  Main/. 
SEI'TEM.  22. — ri>,  the  morn,  at  an  early  hour  to 
do  battle  with  the  iiiilliuj;  hordes  seckiug  adiiiissiou 
to  my  Lord  Kiiiley's  catch-as-catch-cau  self"scr\  ice 
knowledge  dispensary.  Saw  many  of  the  old  flock 
an<l  fell  heir  to  a  drink  purcliased  by  the  sweat  of 
a  loving  father's  brow.  So  tlirough  the  intricacies 
of  being  signed  on  for  the  strviggle  ami  s.p  lo  lied. 
oVrcome  with  tlie  rush  of  rushing. 

SEPTEil.  2:'..— I»iil  this  day  To  the  .Mart  in 
tent  on  bargaining  tor  a  fur  trimmed  I'.enny  against 
the  ravages  of  a  cold  winicr  ami  Southern  Camjius 
dating,  but  found  the  war  yet  on  despite  Sir  (iame 
liel'.s  advices  to  the  contrary.  Tapped  the  Eating 
Club  larder  for  a  ham  -for",  and  so  to  the  cov(M-let, 
refreshed. 

SEPTEM.  24.— rp  and  about  among  the  glad 
ln\iulers  recently  retuined  for  the  Fall  ("oncpiests. 
Sir  James  of  the  .MacDonalds  down  from  the  High- 
lamls  and  cheerful  despite  his  fratermil  relations. 
To  bed  early  rather  than  list  long  to  his  Honey-Dew 
raphsodizing  (?l,  a  weakness  of  those  of  the  School 
Politic,   and  of   the  Johnsonian   bent. 

SEPTEM.  2.").— Saw  My  Lord,  the  Kt.  Kev.  Rex 
Salter  buying  a  coke  for  one  of  the  Soprano  Sex 
tJiis  morn.  Not  e"en  a  sunm^er  in  the  Southland 
seems  to  teacli  the  ol<l  dogs  new  tricks  it  seemeth. 
Odds  Bloods,  but  Sir  .liinmy  and  Sir  Hank  should 
well  acclaim  the  rclurii  of  such  as  )ny  Lord  Satfer 
to  their  clutches. 

SEPTEM.  2(;. — AI(out.  (his  day,  in  new  wine- 
colored  waist-coat,  same  ha\ing  olitained  its  colour 
at  la  niaison  <lu  "Ike"  HInmlieim,  .Viigust  last,  where 
]>re-\'olsteadian  camaraderie  still  exists.  Hcmoved 
it  after  the  noon  repast,  for  it  brings  fond  memories 
that  needs  must  be  checked  in  the  Litter  day  in 
flnences  of  the  Knowledge  I'^icttiry. 

SEPTEM.  2S.— Learning  today  that  a  cat  has 
nine  lives  I  no  longer  wondci-  at  the  longevity  of  that 
old  iladame  (iossiji  whom  the  good  .Madame  Pep- 
less  so  thoroughly  detests.  A  (piestion  which  in 
truth  had  puzzled  me  for  long.  So  thr<nigh  my  ]ioii- 
dering,  and  to  th<'  couch. — S.P. 


Let's  Dope  Out  Some  New  Traditions 

Let's  inaugurate  the  custom  of  walking  sideways 
w  believer  we  pass  a  Janitor.  Let's  throw  our  caps 
ill  the  air  whenever  we  pass  the  Administration 
IJiiilding.  Let's  make  it  customary  for  men  to  smoke 
bulldog  pii)es  with  a  picture  of  Zup  on  the  bowl, 
and  for  women  to  decorate  their  noses  with  Orange 
and  Klue  talcum.  Let's  have  a  barbecue  in  the  yard 
of  the  T'rbana  Court  Hou.se  every  Michaelmas.  Let's 
have  ilixers  on  Monday.  Tribal  Reunions  on  Tues- 
day. AA'raiigles  on  ^^'ednesday,  Turnvereins  on  Thurs- 
day, Frolicks  on  Fi-iday.  Smokers  on  Satunlay,  and 
Soirees  on  Sunday. 

Let's  be  College!- 

-^ S 


The  Bandoleers 

A  new  school  of  philosophy  is  attaining  emin- 
ence. Its  exponents  are  known  as  the  Bandoleers, 
ill  deference  to  their  almost  universal  use  of  Band- 
oline. Their  beliefs  are  the  sittings  of  the  ages,  the 
high  spots  in  all  former  philosophies,  the  climax  of 
civilization. 

From  the  teachings  of  Zeno  they  have  taken 
the  Poker  face. 

From  Epicurus  they  haxc  derived  a  delight  in 
Syiup  and  Ice  Cream. 

I'roni  ^Mencius  they  ha\('  learned  Pride  in  Fam- 
ily. 

I'^rom  the  <!reeks  in  general  they  have  taken  an 
interest  in  The  Dance. 

Xeitsclie  and  Carlyle  ha\e  told  tliem  of  the 
Superman,  and  l>i-.  Frank  Crane  has  told  them  that 
lliey  themselves  are  that  very  Suiiermaii. 

Wilde  and  <i.  B.  Shaw  have  e(piipped  them  with 
epigrams. 

Be  a  BANDOLEER. 

S 

••The  trouble  with  these  here  new  Windsor 
Chairs,"  said  Late  Jabson  of  Still  Valley.  Kaintnek, 

"is  that  a  feller  has  to  stand  n])  to  get  a  drink". 


[18] 


Reverse  English 

An  Eiiglisli  sdlilicr  \v;is  j;niiliii^ 
a  i);u-ty  of  Aiiu'i-icaii  tmirisis 
tliroiitjli  the  old  fort  at  (Jiicln'c. 
As  tliey  readied  a  liri-rlitlv  polish- 
ed little  cannon  the  soldier  drew 
hiniwlf  np  and  proudly  remarked, 
'•l^adies  and  >;entleuien.  this  is  a 
cannon  the  Hritish  cai>t\ired  at 
the  battle  of  Hunker  Hill." 

"Thafs  all  rijjht.  «dd  man," 
yelled  an  American,  -you  got  the 
cannon,  we  '^«X  the  hill." 

A.L.S. 
S 


If  Music  Be  the  Food 
of  Love 

Pierrot:    i  Sings  i 

I'a-a-le  hands  I   loved  licsidc  the 

Shaliuiar — 
I'a-a-a-le     hainls.      peeiik-teeped 
like  lotus  buds — 
Pierrette:     i  Speaks  from  afari 
Poor,    simple    l>oyI      T    drive    a 
flivver. 

S 


Invocation 

0  Thought!    Tear  loose  from   my 
vapid  brain  I 

1  know  you're  there,  but   all   the 
same, 

You  seem   to  hide,    ^^■hat   fool- 
ish power 
Has  chained  you  in  your  coi)web 
bower? — J.L. 


from  the. 
Boncyard 

Antfiolocjy, 


1.   Llewellyn  Smith  Smythe. 
Coming  as  J  did  from  the 
Metropolis,  thought  nothing 
Of  making  casual  goo-goo  eyes 
At    I'letty    little   girls 
r  look  a   fancy  to. 
( iood    dancers,    too — 
None  of  your  moose  they  were. 
And  1.  a  City  Man.  knew  liow 
To  dance  the  latest  dii)s,  and  how 
To  speak  a  witty,  witty  line. 
And  how  to  tell  a  barber  how  my 

Lair 
AA'as  to  be  cut  to  make  it 
^lost  etfective.    And  I  knew 
Almost  at  first  glance,  which 
ilirls  would  kiss  at  lirst. 
And  which  at  second  meeting. 
All  told.   I   knew  much,  ami  was 
An  ornament  to  any  divan. 
Knowing  all  this. 
As  a  mere  Freshman, 
There  seemed   nothing  left 
For  lue  to  know — 
Till'  Honevar<l  "ot  me. 


Mwm 


The  Last  Time  I  Was 

home,  the  .ludge  stopjieil  me  on 
the  Court  House  steps,  "riiinias." 
lie  said,  with  a  twinkle  in  his 
sardonic  old  eye.  "J  see  the  Town 
Clock  is  eight  minutes  slow." 

••How's  that.  •Judge?"  1  eni|uii- 
ed.  ••Aren't  you  putting  a  good 
deal  of  faith   in  your  watch?" 

••It  isn't  i)y  the  watch  1  know, 
son"  he  replied.  I)'y  see  that  line 
of  toilers  asittiug  on  the  Court 
House  curb?" 

r   saw   them. 

••\\'ell.  I'iiiiiias.  they  move  as 
the  sun  mo\es.  When  the  sunlight 
hits  that  elm  over  there,  and  the 
last  man  hikes  him.self  over  to  the 
curb  just  beyoml  it.  it's  twenty 
minutes  to  ten,  this  time  o'year. 
And  the  Big  Clock  says  twenty- 
eight  minutes  to." 

And  he  left   me  to  ponder. 

— Phinias  Pigge. 


Can't  Be  Done  Doctor  — 
Cant  Be ! 

.Mrs.  Chemist:  Xeoptolemus. 
lo\c.  I  fear  y<in  have  killed  poor 
Tot(t. 

Jlr.  Chemist:  Tmiiossible,  "Mar- 
india ;  1  have  this  moment  dis- 
covered a  serum  for  the  pi'olonga- 
lion  of  life! 


[13J 


Pickup  Week— A  Monologue 


By  Agnes  Vrooman 


jNIary,  Yon'ro  ju.s"  as  ii<;lit — Kc- 
iiii;  ■  Iviisli  ('aptaiii  is  iki  jest.  1 
iloiit  envy  Marj'  lier  job,  a-tall. 
J>i(lja  see  Jlarj's  face  a  inimiU' 
ago  when  she  went  to  drag  that 
Iciiihle  I)ow(h'n  girl  away  from 
.Miss  Frieks?  White.  Scared?  Oli 
haliy!  tliat  Dowdcn  would  ruin 
our  chances  with  any   rnshee. 

1    dont   care  if  she   was   touted 
liy  a  National  Officer:  she's  a  lein 
on.    We  couldn't  even  use  her  in 
the  kitchen.   One  peep  at  that  face 
at  breakfast  would  sour  liie  sweet 
est  day. 

Now,  whats  your  idea  of  the  girl 
talking  to  Mai-j  now? — the  one  on 
the  davenijort?  I  dont  think  1 
like  her.  Name's  Gretzheini — 
whassat?  No,  they  say  not.  Of 
course,  you  cant  tell;  Germany's 
a  big  country.  This  Gretzheiin 
was  at  the  house  party,  y'know. 
She  makes  awful  noises  when  she 
brushes  her  teeth.  S'pose  I  should 
be  glad  she  had  some  to  brush — 
or  that  she  brushed  'em  a-tall. 

No,  I  dont  like  her.  Dont  you 
think  she  seems  too  much  at  home? 
Self  confidence,  Helen  dear,  is  the 
greatest  virtue  which  it  is  easiest 
for  a  freshman  to  have  too  much 
of. 

And  the  girl  next  to  the  (}retz- 
lieim ! 

My  dear,  she's  impossible — or 
rather  too  entirely  perfec'ly  pos- 
sible. I  picked  her  up  on  the  board- 
walk yesterday  morning;  she  told 
me  she  thought  she  would  get 
pearls  set  in  her  pin  because  she 
had  a  pearl  necklace  and  they 
would  look  so  nice  together.  Loid, 
what  fools  these  riishees  be  1 

Speaking  of  Shakespeare — re- 
mend)er  that  Weaver  girl  we  had 
o\er  last  night? — the  one  who  is 
sure  Phi  Beta  Kappa?  She  trans- 
ferred from  Belleville  because 
there  was  no   chapter  there  and 


she  wanted  to  wear  the  key. 
(That's  my  idea  of  zero  in  ambi- 
tions I) 

AA'ell,  they're  nice  to  have  in 
tlie  house.  But,  niy  dear,  I'm 
afraid  I've  ruined  our  chances 
with  this  one.  Slug's  majoring  in 
Philosophy — full  of  her  suliject 
and  all  that.  Well,  she  was  telling 
me  all  sorts  of  wild  things  these 
old  Goofg  had  said,  and  she  got 
down  to  the  Neo-Platonic  system. 

I  asked  her  if  Neo  was  Plato's 
first  name! 

My  dear,  she  turned  purple,  I 
beat  it  as  soon  as  my  apologies 
could  be  heard  and  sent  Jean  to 
talk  to  her.  Jean's  a  Psych'  maj- 
or, and  I  figured  she'd  be  able  to 
talk    in   Weaver's   language.     The 


Philosophy  and  Psychology  sem- 
inars are  in  the  same  room  aren't 
they? 

Well,  they  sound  alike. 

The  Jones  Girl?  Really,  Helen, 
they  say  she  isn't  so  bad  if  you 
talk  to  her.  I  know.  Wonderful 
eyelashes,  but  the  rest  of  her  face 
looks  as  if  it  were  petrified.  I'm 
suie  I'll  never  be  happy  until  I've 
jtuuched  it.  Might  be  like  punch- 
ing the  Great  Stone  Face,  though. 
Sure,  Helen,  her  eyelashes  are 
long  enough  to  marcel,  and  I'll 
even  admit  that  the  eyebrows  have 
possibilities — but  you  know,  my 
dear,  we  would  have  to  pledge  the 
rest  of  her  face,  too. 

Miss  Brown,  now — the  one  over 
by  the  piano — is  adorable.  She 
was  asking  about  our  cups  the 
other  day,  and  when  I  took  the 
Stunt  Show  one  down  two  June 
Bugs  fell  out — dead,  of  course.  I 
was  terribly  embari"assed  and 
started  to  explain  that  we  were 
saving  them  for  zoological  studies, 
but  she  only  laughed  and  said  the 
]ioor  things  had  just  fallen  in  and 
couldn't  get  out.  I  changed  the 
subject  and  told  her  about  the 
time  we  made  fudge  without  but- 
ter, and  greased  the  pan  with  cold 
cream.  She  wanted  to  know  how 
it  tasted,  was  very  much  impres- 
sed, and  said  she  knew  she'd  like 
college  life.  I  like  to  hear  young 
|ieople  talk  like  that — dont  you? 

The  Fo.x  girl  over  there  has  a 
Zeta  Eta  Theta  brother.  That 
means  something,  at  least,  and 
her  initiation  fee  would  help  fill 
the  treasury.  Do  you  suppose  we 
could  use  her  for  Y.  W.,  or 
Woman's  League?  We  simply 
have  to  pledge  somebody  for  Y. 
W.  now  that  Frances  is  out  of 
the  chapter. 

There's  Marj  now — giving  me 
(Continued  on  Page  Twenty-six) 


[201 


Look  Out 
for  this 
Pun! 


The    Judge:      (At    reunion i     D'y 

know  Fat  Burns? 
TIic  Squire :  Xo. 
Tlie  Judge:    It  does. 

S 


^.^ 


Doubt 

It's   said    that    there's   a   pair   of 

things 
A  man's  a  fool  to  do — 
To  chase  a  street-car,  and  to  chase 

a  girt: 
They  say  there'll  he  another 
Within  an  hour  or  so — 
Hut   Kill  she   be   ax    imiidrrful — 

as  you? — Anon. 

S 

"Never  mind  turning  on  ilic 
lights.  niotluM-.  iiM]);i  will  make  the 
moonshine." 


Letters  of  a  Globe- 
Trotter 

H.v  A.  L.  Sir;ms 

|i<':ir  Kgliert  : 

Well  here  we  is.  down  in  Ha- 
\ana.  And  n()W  I  know  why  tliey 
calls  ii  ihat.  ll"s  cause  it  rimes 
with  Ipanaiia,  which  is  the  only 
American  uftil)  we  gets  down  here. 
lint  yon"li  iniilialily  say.  'who  in 
Hector  wants  to  eat  in  Cnha  ?' 
^\'hi(■h  reminds  me.  reniemher 
\\lieu  Hohson  tryeil  to  hot  tie  up 
the  S|iaiuards  in  the  hariior  hi'i-e? 
^\'el  us  Americans  can  he  darn 
jilail  he  didn't  cork  things  \\\\  here, 
eh  Kggy?  Ha  Ha.  Well,  as  I  was 
lelliii  you  in  my  last  letter,  my 
iiro-indaw  yoiing  Martin  who's 
down  here  with  me  and  my  wife, 
is  still  in  love  with  the  hlonde 
nio\ie  dame  who  he's  heen  foller- 
in.  All  he's  done  since  he's  caught 
the  disease  is  smoke  inuumerahle 
of  my  cigarettes  and  write  home 
for  more  money  owing  to  the  fact 
that  I  can  imly  lend  hiiu  a  few 
paltry  hundreds  at  a  time.  After 
every  meal,  at  which  he  oidy  eats 
enough  for  three  meu.  love  having 
deprived  Mm  of  his  normal  appe- 
tite, he  sits  at  the  tahle  till  this 
queen  hreezes  out  and  then  rushes 
like  Paddock  to  open  the  door 
for  her  hefore  the  head  waiter  can. 
thus  depriving  a  poor  It), 00(1  a 
year  man  of  his  daily  stipend  and 
sustenance.  Well  the  other  even- 
ing the  wifee  and  our  hero,  mean- 
ing me  EggT,  breezes  home  from 
a  show  and  who  do  we  pipe  arm 
in  arm  on  the  veranda  but  the 
object  of  unrequited  love  and  this 
queen  of  the  cinnamon.  And  liiiu 
looking  like  he  can't  wait  to  break 
the  glad  news  to  mama.  Just  then 
she  throws  her  arms  around  liini 
like  she  docs  to  her  lo\-er  in  the 
"Professor's  Jlillions"  and  lie 
steps  in  to  plant  a  kiss  on  her 
liandsoiiu>   mug.     Which    he   does. 

Vours  with  live  mosquito  bites 
on   my   left   ankle. 

•Tnbhv'  .1.  .1.  .(ones. 


JIREN 

The  Campus  Lexicon 

ri'ii    be    published     from     time    to 
time  in  the  Sir<'ii  i 

J'AKLOK  TKICKS:  Th(!  curtain- 
talk  of  the  social  fakir. 

ATHLETE:   A  i>erson  who  h.is  to 

bathe. 
■lOlKNALlST:     A    per.son    who 

ought  to  bathe. 
l.IXi::     The    verbal    distance    be- 

twecii    the    two    conversational 

jioints.  Hello  and   (ioodbye. 
T( »!' :     The   mythical    part    of   the 

morning.       A      contrivance      to 

break  even  with. 
IXTKODUCTIOX:     An    incanta 

tion  which  makes  a  Peer  out  of 

a  Jlere  Person. 
("LASS:   The  students'  avocation. 
SAXAPHUNE:     The   Victorious 

Trumpet    of    the    Bradley    Hall 

(iladiators. 

lUIOT:  Present  company  except- 
ed. 

I'lX:  The  handiest  thing  in  the 
world.  Takes  the  place  of  a 
chest  protector,  a  solitaire,  or 
a  personality. 


The  Higher  the  Fewer 

Sable  Kook:  Wliato:  That's 
no  way  to  hold  a  gun.  old  tiq)perl 

.lolly  Huntsman:  Bight  <>:  But 
why  (lout  you  fly  in  the  ordinary 
ma  liner,  old  fish  ? 


[21] 


Race  Hatred -A  Dialogue  :,';—: 


/>')/   .IdllX     IjAWIiKI! 


I{;m;il\li1ns — \',\i\  tell  iiie,  do 
yon  liiMi-  wlictlicr  iiiMiius  lias  had 
any  niisfortnnc  at    dice,  or  no? 

Ja.nn\iiii  \'itac  -All.  tlicic  I 
liavc  aiiotliei-  bad  pain.  A  Uaiik 
iMijit,  a  |H-odit;al  who,  dare  scarce 
show  his  head  in  the  Lilirary.  A 
l)egj;ar  tjiat  was  used  to  come  so 
suuij;  upon  the  caiiipiis.  He  was 
wont  to  call  me  with  four  kinj;s, 
when  all  T  had  was  (ineeiis.  Let 
jiiin  look  to  his  hankioll.  He  was 
used  to  lend  money  ajiainst  me, 
in  a  crap  <;ame.  Let  liini  look  to 
his  banki-oll ! 

JOncalyptus — ^Kni  sni-ely,  it  lie 
forfeit  his  bankroll,  thou  wilt  not 
i-efuse  him  a  I'lii  Hela  l\a]ipa  kep? 
"What  jiood's  that  do? 

Lignum  ^'itae — To  make  a  suck- 
er out  of  him  withal.  If  it  will 
do  nothing  else,  it  will  satisfy  my 
desire  for  revenge.  He  hath  hiiul- 
ered  me  in  many  a  era])  game.  He 
hath  scorned  my  straight-flushes, 
Thwarted   mv   bhitfs,    laughed    at 


my  losses,  mocked  at  my  gains. 
cooled  my  friends  and  heated  mine 
enemies.  And  what's  his  reason? 
I  am  a  I'hi  Eeta  Kapjia !  Hath 
not  a  riii  Bet"  hands,  glasses? — 
fed  at  the  same  boarding  club, 
hurt  with  the  same  wea|ioiis.  sulr 
ject  to  the  same  kind  of  mumps, 
cured  by  the  same  kind  of  faith 
healer  that  a  T  N  10  is?  If  yon 
come  out  on  "seven"  do  we  not 
yell?  If  the  dice  read  "de»iceace"", 
do  we  not  laugh?  Or.  if  you  tor- 
ture us  by  a  long,  drawn  out  pro- 
cess of  making  "Big  Dick",  do 
we  not  writhe  in  mental  agony? 
If  a  riii  Bet"  wins  a  T  .\  K"s  mon 
ey,  what's  his  humility?  HE- 
^'EX(iE!  If  T  X  10  takes  a  I'hi 
J^efs  moneys,  what  should  HIS 
sull'erance  be  by  T  N  10  exani|)h'? 
Why  K  E-V-EN-G-E?  The  villany 
you  teach,  I  will  execute,  ami  it 
will  go  hard  but  1  will  better  the 
Insti'uction  I 


"Economics  in  Jig-Time" 

)uld  sell  to  you 
This  clieese  at  a  reduction, 
And   take   in   tiade   that   milk    so 

blue — 
\\liy  should  you  start  a   rncliou? 

(>  -Mouse,  no  ruction  will   I  start; 

But  there's  no  use  to  tease; 

Eor    fr<im    this    milk    I    will    not 

part, 
Becan.se  I  cant  eat   cheese. 
■s     -X-     *     * 

But.   Cat   of   Cats,   do  you   but 

think— 
The  ]-5argaiii  you'd  he  getting! 
That  milk  is  blue — nntit  to  drink: 
It's   realh    most    upsetting. 


Pooh  !  Pooh !  Edison ! 


(Would  not  these  ten  (|uerie 
an  exclusively  College  na 
balfle  the  Modern  Socrates, 
the  (treat  Questioner  himsel 
1.  What  is  the  dit1ereuc( 
tween  the  Cockroach  Canter 
the  Bee  Walk? 

H.  AA'liat    is    the    easiest 
course  at  Illinois? 

:',.  What  is  a  thrill? 

i.  What   is  a  Thesis  for 


s,  ol 
ture, 
even 
f?l 


hour 


T).  What    is    the    difference    be- 
tween C-nunus  and  D-i>lus? 

(i.   Who  wrote  the  words  to  "My 
Hortense"  ? 

7.   ^^'hat   is   the  a\erage   life   <d' 
,1   Naiuty  Case? 

y.   What  is   the   average  life   of 
a  Hair  Net? 

!).    ^^'hat   is   the   |irice  id'  a   Spe 
eial  Examination? 

10.   Who    lives    on    .lohn    Street, 
and  Whv".' — Summer  .Scout. 


\\'ell.  Mouse  of  ndne,  1  must  admit 
i   ha\e  been  somewhat  hasty: 
Indeed,  now  that   I  think  of  it. 
That   cheese  must    be  ([uite  tasty. 

Our  Cat,  like  others  of  his  ilk, 
Eell  for  the  cheese,  and  bid  it. 
Our  Mouse  made  more  cheese  from 

the  milk; 
(  I  doiil    know  how  he  <lid   it  I 

The   ('at.    who    later   starved    to 

death. 
From  shiaidiings  anatomic. 
Should  teach  us  not  to  waste  our 

breath 
(>n  yiersons  economic. 


[22 


The  Story  of  the  Stadium 


l>v  S.  l»ix  Uauwooii 


Once  \ii)iiii  a  tiiiu'  ilicrc  was  as  iiiiuli  exi-lusive- 
ui'ss  and  aloofiii'ss  in  bfiiij;  an  alumnus  of  the  I'ni- 
veisity  of  Illinois  as  ilicic  is  now  in  heint;  a  nieni- 
her  of  Sciilililors"  or  ilic  Hoof  ami  Horn  t-lnli.  One 
had  to  accumulate  some  hundred-odd  creilits,  wear 
a  rented  caji  and  gown  in  an  academic  procession, 
and  pay  a  <1i|iloiiia  fee,  cash  down — no  live-dollar 
bill,  no  diploma.  And  that  was  that.  HiU  the  aliiimii 
ffice  of  the  University  and 
iho.se  who  know  the  Hlini 
tribe  best  have  changed  the 
meaning  of  the  word.  Carl 
Stephens  of  the  A.Q.I'.X.. 
Elmer  Ekhl.-iw.  and  Sam 
Kaiihaelson  iiave  learnetl 
that  Oner  (in  llliiii.  (iliriijix 
(III  mini.  So  now,  an  alnni- 
nus  of  the  I'niversity  of 
Hliuois  is  anyone  who  ever 
registered  here.  There  are 
thirty  five  thousand  of  tis. 
In  the  last  campaign  for 
funds  from  the  state  legis- 
lature, these  one-tinu'  stu- 
dents proved  that  a  degree 
is  not  the  only  label  for 
Illinois  loyalty. 

To  every  one  of  tliese 
thirty  rive  tliou.saud  alumni 
there  will  be  mailed  soon  a 
book  called  TJif  Stori/  of 
the  Stadinni  as  a  reminder 
of  the  old  days,  and  as  a 
projihecy  of  the  days  to 
come. 

The  most  U'iticeaiile  thing  about  The  Storj/  of 
thr  Siadiiini  is  that  it  is  good  to  look  at.  It  is 
meant,  of  course,  to  be  a  short  account  of  the  sta- 
dium project,  and  to  recall  to  everyone  the  two  or 
three  or  four  years  spent  here  on  the  cam|>us. 

The  cover  of  the  book  is  to  lie  of  dark  liliic  with 
a  little  label  of  orange  and  blue,  winch  gives  the 
w<u-k  a  character  of  its  own  and  makes  it  well  worth 
a  place  in  an  lllini  library  next  to  the  lllin. 

"Within,  the  story  of  the  stadium  is  to  be  printed 
on  buff  colored  i)ai)er.  The  front ispie<'e,  here  re- 
produced, is  a  drawing  by  I'roehl.  class  of  "ID.  of 
the  first  lllini.  the  Indians  themselves,  seated  around 
autumn  football  crowds.  Hut  the  illustration  which 
must  have  re(|uire(l  the  greatest  amount  of  lalior 
and  which  best  reproduces  the  Illinois  Spirit  is  that 


a  camp  lire.  There  are  smaller  ilecoral  ions  and 
decorative  drawings  thronglioni  liie  work,  also  by 
I'roehl.  showing  the  old  flag  rush  in  front  of  the 
(iym  .\nnex.  an  event  familiar  to  lllinoisiaus  of 
the  'nineties  before  the  advent  of  the  push-ball  con- 
test, also  now  a  thing  of  the  i)ast.  The  artist  has 
also  made  attractive  drawings  in  black  and  white 
of    the    anditorinni.    tramp    day    scenes,    ami    also 

of  the  interior  of  the  (iym 
.\nnex  on  the  day  of  the 
big  mass  meeting,  when  tin* 
stadium  c-ampaigii  opened. 
(^uile  in  a  different  maii- 
n<'r  from  the  other  illustra- 
tive matter  is  the  bas-re- 
lief of  <:.  Huff,  ma.le  by 
Antonio  .M.  Taleruo.  "L'l, 
.•in  alumnus  from  the  IMiil- 
liliine  Islands.  The  concej)- 
lioii  is  nnconventi(uial.  and 
certaiidy  dilferent  from  the 
Hurt'  sketches  and  draw- 
ings to  which  we  have  been 
accustomed.  It  emphasizes 
the  rnggedness  of  the  face 
and  head,  which  surely 
iinisi  be  a  jiart  of  evevy 
former  student's  memory  of 
the  athletic  director.  The 
face  is  heavily  seamed — 
far  too  much  for  realistic 
lidelity — but  all  the  more 
jdeasiiig  because  of  the 
crea  to  r's  ima  ginat  ion. 
There  is  character  in  the 
work,  and  vision  and  understanding.  i|nalities  all 
cons|)icuous]y  lacking  in  most  niidergradnate  art. 
1  do  not  know  whether  or  not  raterno  has  been 
contributing  ti>  nii<lei-graduale  pnblicniions  :  if  nut, 
it  is  a  I'ity. 

-Most  |)relenl  idiis  of  all  the  art  work  is  a  two 
[)age  illustration  of  the  whole  stadium  design,  which 
is  to  occu|iy  the  center  pages  of  the  book. 

Of  the  ]>rinicil  contents  there  is  much  to  be 
.saiil  in  prai.se:  how  often  \\e  do  remendier  beauties 
of  illnstrati<ni  and  fyiiography  carrying  along  an 
abysmal  dullness  of  the  iMiuled  page.  In  selecting 
material,  the  writer  has  been  fairly  inclusive,  ami 
lu>  narrates  his  story  with  .1  stininlaling  kind  of 
exuberance.  There  iiiiulil  have  been  a  few  more 
(("ontinni'd   on   pagi'  twenty  eight  1 


[23] 


AHiO  eljevhere 


Walk  doicii  Green  Htreet! 
Or  Mivhigan  Avenue  in  fine 

iccather. 
Or  Hal.sted  Street, 
Or  the  Champs  EJysees — 
Any  old  street! 
Walk  observant,  jiluof, 
Watclifiil,  sneeriug, 
Infiiiitely  superior; 
Look  at  the  people! 
IxPgai'd  tliem,  pity  them. 
Classify  tlieui. 
Look  at  the  people 
Passing  liy. 
(Ircat  sjiort ; 
J'liilosojiliixin;/ 
On  a  croicded  si  reel. 
Isn't  it? 

Look  at  the  people — 
Faces,  faces,  faces. 
Faces  of  Youth, 
Age,  Lusty  health, 
Piety,  Madness — 
Faces  .... 

They  hurry  like  the  devil. 
They  loaf  along  like 
Influential  angels. 
They  loll  in  taxis, 
Percli  in  flivvers, 
Or — like  you  and  me — 
Stand  still  and 
Philosophise. 
That  is  hetter,  hrother, 
Is  it  not:'  Thanlc  God 
Thai  ire  arc  not  as  other 


Men — tJiat  our  faces 

Arc  not  the  faces 

Of  this  mol). 

Faces  of  Youth — 

Full  lipped,  open  eyed, 

Intent  upon  itself. 

Racing  to  a  class, 

To  a  restaurant, 

To  an  amour,  a  meeting, 

A  game,  a  night's  long 

Slumber — it's  all  one 

To  Youth. 

Tliere.are  flappers,  cute 

As  can  be.  Bound  to  live 

If  it  kills  them. 

There  are  serious,  heavy 

Young  women  with  bt)oks; 

Serious,  pale  young  men. 

Pockets  filled  with  pencils ; 

Sprightl,v  young  men  there  are. 

With  careful  hair; 

Solid   young   men.    who    smoke   a 

cigar 
After  each  meal — one  and  no 

more. 
Intellectual  young  men. 
Talking  abo\it  the  Weltschnierz. 
About  you,  about  me,  al)out 
Themselves — no  matter — 
So  tliey  be  talking,  talking. 
Is  it  not  fortunate,  Brother, 
That  ijoih  and  I  are  ahore 
All  thisf 

Look  at  the  faces  I 
Faces  of  Age — 


Heads  like  the  skulls  fliey  are. 
Taper-lit  on  All  Saints  Fve. 
Benignant  sometimes, 
And  sometimes  briglit 
^Mtli  Time's  own  tolerance — 
And  sometimes  Age  walks 
Mumbling  and  glaring; 
Drooling  about  the  change 
That's  wrecked  the  world 
Since  they  were  at  the  helm. 
(These  wild  young  people! 
Alack-a-day  for  the  day 
Of  my  youth ! )  Now  see 
The  solid  Business  ilan, 
Neatly  tailored,  hat  a-tilt, 
Chewing  a  cigar.    See  liim  ])anse 
With  an  acquaintance, 
And  talk  about  profits. 
And  baseball,  and  losses. 
And  the  wives  of  friends. 
See  the  f^it  travelling  men, 
Sweating   wrathfully    liclwceu 

calls, 
Bellowing  for  cooling  drinks. 
See  the  sinful,  sad,  local  fellows. 
Cranking  their  Buicks. 
See  the  Professors,  on  their  way 
To  ask  for  a  book  that  will  not 
]<]ver   be   in    stock.     (}ood    I'l-ofes- 

sors; 
A  little  cynical,  perhaps. 
Perhaps  a  little  weary.    Perhajjs 
It  were  better,  brother,  that  we 
Do  not  laugh  at  them  too  much. 

(Cotinued   on   Page   Twenty-Six) 


[24] 


DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


riidiic  .M.iiii  ."idl 


219   West    Main    Street 
URRANA.    ILLINOIS 


t 

! 
I 


I 

i 

I 

a 

■+ 

-  + 

i 
I 

i 

I 

I 

I 

I 
I 


+■■ 

I 


+— 


s^lZ2  O 


<^s 


mU(->k 


a:)- 


atmosphere 

makes  the  difference 

that  is  why  you  always  feel 
at  home  at 

Ami    llic   ill-illlcs   1;islc   hctlci- 


(;(Ki    (il-iMMl    S(l<'i'l 


I 

I 

I 
I 

I 
■+ 


[2r.] 


— From — 
Apperson's  Little  Plumber 


L.  W.  Apperson 

Plumbing  and  Heating 

Phone  Main  906 
120    S.   Race    St.  URBANA 


Pure 

Ice 

Cream 


TRY  OUR  BOSTONS 

TUey   Are   fiprcinl 


Schulefs 

On  Main  Street 

CHAMPAIGN 


t)*  111— .11 .lu III! nil-.— iHi..~iii> nil nil nil nn iiii iii{* 


Pick-up  Week 

(Continued  from  Page  Twenty) 

the  High  Sign.  AVheii  she  wiiiks 
her  h^ft  eye  and  scratclies  her 
right  ear  it  means  "Come  ami 
give  this  freshman  a  good  line 
alioiit  College  Ijife". 

I'll  go  and  tell  her  how  we  ate 
Irnit  salad  ont  of  a  hair  r(M'eiver 
with  a  shoe  horn. 

S 


Faces  Seen  on  Green  St. 

(Continued   from    page   twenty-four) 

For,  all  in  all,  they  are  the  liest, 

That  walk  on  Green  Street. 

They  are  not  all  earth  bonnd 

Like  tlie  rest.    Tliey  give  ninch. 

And  receive — less  than  tiiey  give. 

Look  at  the  fac(>s! 

See— 

.1//.'    'I'licrc  ill  a  iriiiiJoirpinic 

You  sec   vol  l{   flier! 

And  ijoii   IJiiiik.  for  the  firsl   tiiiir. 

Most    hittcrli/.    Ihiil    j/oiir   j'acr 

In  hill   our — our —    , 

Of  thrsr  iiianij,  iihiiiij  faces! 

Come,  let's  move  with  the  crowd. 

S(»meone  across  the  street 

Is  latigliing  at  ns. 


Household  Hintrances 

If  a  pinch  of  salt  is  added  to 
the  water  in  which  the  sponges 
for  sponge  cake  are  soaked,  a  snr- 
prising  tinttiness  will  resnlt. 

Mrs.  Zanzibar,  a  faithfnl  con- 
tribntor  to  this  department,  stig- 
gests  that  old  phonogra]>h  rec- 
ords make  excellent  pads  on 
whicli  to  set  hot  dishes.  (The 
editor  has  a  record  of  "Hearts 
and  Flowers"  that  might  serve 
admirably   in   tiiis  pHr|>nse. ) 

Au  anonymous  contribntor 
wrote  to  state  that  if  someone 
w()nld  lend  him  about  twelve  feet 
of  garden  hose,  he  had  a  neighbor 
whom  he  migjit  ntilize  as  a  vac- 
tuim  cleaner.  The  Weekly  Bngle 
takes  this  O]i]iortnnity  to  observe 
that  snch  vulgar  liiimor  is  not 
connliMianced 


ON  GREEN  STREET 


Mac's 


Good  Eats 

Morning,  Noon 
and  night 


I 

9 

I 


Just   East   of   College  Hall 


M.  R.  McBroom 


403  E.  Green 


Prescriptions 
Filled 


BERT  SPALDING'S 

GREEN  STREET 

PHARMACY 

PERIODICALS 

TOBACCOS 

TOILET   ARTICLES 

DRUGS 


A  lilix-k  West  of  the  Cami>iis 
— on  Green 


+ 


[26J 


+ — '■ 


8  Main  Street,  Champaign 


Phones:   Garfield  1121;  Main  1 


Home  Killed  Meats  and  Poultry 


Pork 


Lard 


FROM  THE   FAK.M    DllilOCT  T( »   VOH 


Smith  &  Picard 


WHOLESALE 


RETAIL 


+ ,_.._«_« — 


. „ — + 


Fish  on  Friday 


JIM — So  she  refused  you? 
TIM — That's  the  impression   I 

recei\eu.  Bird — Do  you  waul   .i   nut  snu- 

JIM — -Didn't    she    actually    say     ^.^     •> 
no? 


Even  if  a  boat  arrives  on  tiiiM', 
11  j^efs  docked  just  the  same. 
S 


Carrots  and  Onions — •' 
i**  "  Carrots  and  Onions — 

TIM — No,   she   didn't.     All    she  Chic — I  always  have  a  date  for      If  you  didn't  go  walking 

said  was  "Halia-ha  I"  Sundav. — Lemon   I'uucli.  You'd  never  have  huiiions. 


— + 

1 


I 
+- 


Welcome  Back ! 
Old  Timers ! 


"ILLINI 


JJ 


Welcome  In! 
New  Comers! 


WHITE  LINE  LAUNDRY  DEPOT-"IVIAIN  406" 


[27] 


^. — .. — .. — .. — .. — .1 — .» — .. — 1.1 — II. — I. — - — III — I- — - — ™ — - — » — - — "+ 


"Gelvin,  you're  showing  a 

wonderful  assortment 

of  shirts  this  fall" 

That's    how    one    chap    expressed    it    and 

we    believe    he    about    covered    the 

point.     You'll    think    so   too. 

GELVIN'S  CLOTHES 
SHOP 

Green   Street 
+ . 


i 
1 


.11+ 


WE  SUPPLY  ICE 
CREAM 


For  church  festivals,  fairs,  bantjiiets  and 
other  large  gatherings  where  food  refresh- 
ments are  served.  We  guarantee  prompt 
deliveries  of  the  best  ice  cream  made  un- 
der strictest  sanitary  conditions  and  shall 
be  pleased  to  arrange  with  committes  and 
others  for  supplying  this  best  of  all 
refreshments  and  deserts. 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

Bell  175  115-117  E.  University  Auto  2107 


The  Story  of  the  Stadium 

I  ( 'out  iiiiicil  I'l-iiiii  i'ajic  'l'.\  I 
sections,  however,  to  carry  on  the  tale  from  ]»ast 
to  ftiliire.  There  is  tlie  story  of  the  first  llliiii,  under 
I  lie  caption  "An  liiilian  Trilie  Hefian  it  a  l.,ong; 
Time  Aj^o",  Imt  tliere  i.s  no  mention  of  that  early 
j;ra(lnate  of  Illinois  Industrial  I'niversity,  <  icorge 
I!.  Siiawhan,  wiio  tirst  discoNci-ed  tlie  aptness  of 
calling  The  .students  "lUini".  Mr.  Sliawan  forms 
a  chapter  of  his  own  in  undergraduate  liist(n-y,  and 
lie  must  not  he  forgotten.  Something  might  have 
hcen  said,  too,  of  those  wlio  created  tlie  designs  for 
the  stadium  ;ind  the  court  of  honor. 

Vet,  aside  from  the  vigor  of  the  sej)arate  ar- 
ticles, the  whole  gains  from  admirable  ami  even 
dramatic  arrangement.  The  story  begins,  as  has 
been  said,  with  the  lllini  Imlians,  but  with  md  too 
much  unadorned  historical  date.  There  follows  then 
a  sprightly  account  to  contrast  the  Illinois  of 
twenty-five  and  fifty  y(^ars  ago  with  that  of  today, 
and  then  comes  the  story  of  the  present,  rrobably 
the  best  piece  of  writing  in  the  book  is  that  charac- 
terizing (j.  Hull'.  A  high  compliment  to  the  man  it 
is,  that  when  peojile  write  of  him  or  draw,  they  gen- 
erally do  their  best  work.  Tt  is  an  arresting  com- 
jiarisou — that  <t.  Huff  and  the  Creeks — but  not  far 
fetched,  when  all  is  said. 

Among  the  other  features  of  the  book  are  mes- 
sages from  President  James,  and  President  Kinley; 
a  map,  showing  the  new  roads  project  in  Illinois, 
ami  the  place  of  the  Twin  Cities  and  the  stadium  in 
the  scheme;  pictures  of  the  great  players  of  jiast 
and  ])resent — Slooey  Chapman,  Harold  Pogiie,  Pot- 
sy  Clark,  and  Chuck  Carney;  photograi)hs  of  the 
coaches  themselves,  and  some  of  those  wlio  have 
already  pledged  themsehcs  heavily  toward  the  build- 
ing of  the  Stadium. 

S 


I'd  Lend  My  Burnt  Orange  Pajamas 

to  That  sage  who  will  tell  me  what  ThaT  chajt,  who 
wore  brogues  and  said  'sorry'  before  anyone  else 
wore  "em  and  said  it,  is  wearing  and  saying  now. 


Will  Lines  Be  in  Vogue  This  Coming 

year'.'  (Jod  wot.  the  old  Cirl  is  cordially  sick  of  the 
last 'year's  batch  of  t;ililoid  conversationalists.  The 
•lane  with  the  carefully  studied  'sudden"  ways, — 
the  'frank'  one, — the  Gilded  Lily  who  makes  'Oh'/' 
and  'Oh  dear!"  do  for  all  occasions, — the  Tottering 
Youth  who  has  nothing  in  stock  but  outworn  cuss- 
words  for  his  friends  male,  the  noun  'I'  for  friends 
female,  and  "Dont  know,"  ftn-  his  Profs, — will  these 
Coleoptera  be  witii  ns  again"/ 
Doubtless. 


[2S] 


University 
Pharmacy 

Maii\  13-1 

Prescriptions 

filled  only  by  registered 
pharmacists 

We  Deliver 


+■- 


FRKI)    J.    PRISON 


I 

.4 


Tluit  slrjiiific  wild,  tliiiif;  Sooicty 
\y\U\  Jnz/.tiiiH'  incliricty 
Aiiil  llours  waxed  to  satiety 
is  w  nil  lis  in  entirety ! 
And  llie  snal<es — and  IJie  vamps — 
And  I  lie  decorative  lamps — 
And  tlie  Imneli — tliat  the  ])iincli — 
.Mi^dil  disorjianize  the  liiiieh — 
And    the   |di(iiies — in  loud    tones  — 
lxiiij;inj;  out    for  elia]>ei'oiies — 
And   the  diids — in  the  suds — 
Sunn  to  deck  the  Pretty  Buds — 
And    the  dates — tiiat  tiie   Fates— 
.Make  and  break  like  china  i)Iates 
And    the  dress — from    the   jiress — 
Taken  to  the  wronj;  address — 
And   the  noise — that   the  hoys — 
.Make  weekends  at   Illinois — 
.Vnd  the  stars — incdiidinj;  .Mars — 
('leaniiifi  out   the  Seminars — 
]S'ew  marcels — iniiMUt  helles — 
!)ressed-ii|i  hoys  in   tortoise  slndls 
]»esii;iiate — liej;   to  state — 
'I'liat  no  matter  how  irate — 
Jt   may  make  ns — 
That   strange,  wild  tiling.  Society 
Is  on  ns — 
Heaven  help  nsl — Slimmer  Scout. 


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Work  Called  For  And 
Delivered 


Ju.^l   call    main    L'5IJ7 


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A  Store  Worth 
Knowing 


Our  organization  i.s  made  up  of  men  trained  to  be  of  service  to  .vini; 
tliat'.s  what  we're  here  for;  not  simply  to  sell  something.  The  m(M-<han(liKO 
is  right,  we  think;  if  you  buy  it,  and  if  you  think  it  isn't  right,  money  cheer- 
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Better  Printing  Will  Improve 
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We  urge  those  in  charge  of  Fraternity  and  Sorority 

House  Publications  to  call  and  inspect  samples 

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[30J 


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The  APOLLO 

CONFECTIONERY 


"^'hen  You  Get 

Apollo  Confections 

of  any  kind,  you  have 
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Ice  Creams  and 
Ices 


(Continued  from  I'ajje  SevcntciMi  I 

linng  :n-(Hind  tofiether.  wailinf;  for  tlip  Trainin}; 
Scliool  for  Clicriiliini  lo  (i|n»ii :  tlicrc's  not  imicli 
to  do,  so  we  have  .signed  uji  with  AN'ccjv. 

Paul:    Well,  aren't  you  asliaiiied  of  yourself! 

The  I'g:  Now  that  you  niciiliou  ii.  I  am.  ll  isn't 
considered  good  form  u|>  ilicrc  to  monUi-y  with 
spiritualists,  or  have  anything  to  do  with  (lie 
earth  .  .  .  hut  I  always  liad  a  weakness  for  had 
conipany. 

J'.nil:    That's  wliat  I  llioii-li(. 

Tlie  Ug:    You  are  an  unusual  young  man. 

Paul:  But  I  must  leave  you.  I  have  idanncd  lo 
amuse  myself  witli  some  papers  by  Doyle,  and 
Lodge.  They  arc  interesting,  but  not  new — not 
new. 

The  I'g:  (Nearly  in  tears)  You  ha\c  liclped  me 
wonderfully  I  It  only  took  s(unchody  to  remind 
me.  to  make  me  regain  niy  self  rcs|»cct. 

Paul:  Pleased  to  hear  it.  Now  trot  along  home, 
like  a  good  boy.  and  ilon't  fool  around  with  any 
more  mediums — and — cr — better  get  yourself  a 
pair  of  pants  and  a  shin.   That — er — what  is  it  ? 

Tlie  Ug:    (Departing  nji  a  nearby  treel   Shroud. 

Paul:  Ah  yes:  that  shroud  is  most  absurd,  (rood- 
night. 

(Exit  Paun 


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Colorplates 

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131] 


Agues  was  tii;iniiiji  (lut  liei-  cuts. 

"Wbafs  ti'ii  per-ceut?"'  slie 
((uizzed. 

••One  tenth:"  flashed  tlic  an- 
swer. 

"Which  goes  to  show  tliat  tlicre 
lias  been  no  falling  off  in  iiati\e 
wit  since  the  dim  days  of  Aristn 
jilianes. 

— S 

First  Seeker:  How  near  were 
you  to  the  right  answer  to  tlie 
thinl  (|iiestion? 

.Second:    Two  seats  away. 

— Exchange. 
S 

Examiner  ((Jnesioning  aiijdi- 
cant  for  life-saving  jolii — ^^'llat 
would  yon  do  if  yon  saw  a  woman 
being  washed  out   to  sea".' 

A]i])iicant — IM  Ihrow  lier  a 
cake  of  soaji. 

l']xaminer — A\'hy  a  cake  of  soa]>? 

Apiilicant — To  wash  her  back. 
S 

Love  others  as  thyself.  Iiiit  not 
thy   neighbor's   wife. 


Hazel:    Don't  yon  know  why  1  \\\'\\   wishers   win    well   wishes. 

relnsed  yon   ?  I'o  as  ye  wo\dd  be  done  liy. 

Howard  :    1   can't  think.  *      »     » 

Hazel:    Yon   guessed  it.— "Top-  -Frame"  not   thy  enemy  lest  ye 

ics  of  the  Day"'  Films.  |„,  "iianied". 

Ifs  a  good  thing  fish  cant  talk.  Always  put  olf  until   tomorrow 

Imagine  a  tish  cackling  every  time  ^^^„^^,  yj^,,  „.„„i,i  ,[„  UnV.iy. 

it   laid  an  egg! — Lyre.  .             »     -»     » 

*^  A  bird  in  the  air  is  worth   I  wo 

A   trouble   planter   often    reaps  on  ;l  woman's  hat. 

his  own  cro])  in  aliundance. — ••Ee-  »     «     « 

sops    Film    Fables."^Fablcs    I'ic-  ^   good   deed   a   day    will   chase 

tnres.  Jnc.  trouble  away. 

S \-     ..     * 

It'sa    rare    bird,    beast,    or    be-  Catty  remarks  are  usually  jnirr- 

ing  that   kn()\\s  its  real  friends.  sonal.                                                       ■» 


I 


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I       They  Eat  With  Us 

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A  student  wlio  lias  no  ty]>ewriter  is  badly  liaiidica[iped 
these  days.  Notes — themes,  thesis,  all  must  be  tyjiewrit- 
ten  to  bring  the  best  marks. 

Corona's  patented  folding  feature  makes  possiliir  all  the 
advantages  of  a  big  ryi)ewriter  in  this  wondcrrnlly  con- 
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[32] 


How  Do  Hot  Things  Cool? 


THE  blacksmith  draws  a  white-hot  bar  from  the  forge. 
It  begins  at  once  to  cool.  How  does  it  lose  its  heat? 
Some  is  radiated,  as  heat  is  radiated  by  the  sun;  but 
some  is  carried  away  by  the  surrounding  air.  Now  suppose 
the  bar  to  be  only  one-half  the  diameter;  in  that  case  it 
loses  heat  only  half  as  fast.  Smaller  bars  lose  in  proportion. 
It  would  seem  that  this  proportion  should  hold,  however 
much  the  scale  is  reduced.  But  does  it?  Does  a  fine  glow- 
ing wire  lose  heat  in  proportion  to  its  diminished  size? 

The  Research  Laboratories  of  the  General  Electric 
Company  began  a  purely  scientific  investigation  to  ascertain 
just  how  fast  a  glowing  wire  loses  heat.  It  was  found  that 
for  small  bodies  the  old  simple  law  did  not  hold  at  all.  A 
hot  wire  .010  in.  diameter  dissipates  heat  only  about  12  per 
cent  more  rapidly  than  a  wire  .005  in.  diameter  instead  of 
twice  as  fast  as  might  be  expected. 

The  new  fact  does  not  appear  very  important,  yet  it 
helped  bring  about  a  revolution  in  lighting. 

It  had  been  found  that  a  heated  filament  in  a  vacuum 
evaporated  like  water  and  that  this  evaporation  could  be 
retarded  by  introducing  an  inert  gas  such  as  nitrogen  or 
argon.  But  it  had  long  been  known  that  the  presence  of  gas 
in  the  ordinary  incandescent  lamp  caused  so  much  heat  to 
be  carried  from  the  filament  that  the  lamp  was  made  use- 
less. The  new  understanding  of  the  laws  of  heat  from  wires, 
however,  pointed  out  a  way  of  avoiding  the  supposed 
necessity  of  a  vacuum. 

By  forming  the  fine  tungsten  filament  into  a  helix  the 
heat  loss  was  made  much  less  prominent.  The  light  radiated 
is  then  about  the  same  as  if  the  wire  were  stretched  out,  but 
the  heat  loss  through  the  gas  is  very  much  less.  So  the 
tightly  coiled  filament  was  put  into  the  gas-filled  bulb — 
and  a  new  lamp  was  created.  At  the  same  cost  it  gave 
more  and  better  light. 

Thus  pure  research,  conducted  primarily  to  find  out 
how  hot  things  cool,  led  to  the  invention  of  the  gas-filled 
lamp  of  today— the  cheapest,  most  efficient  illuminant 
thus  far  produced. 

Sooner  or  later  research  in  pure  science  enriches  the 
world  with  discoveries  that  can  be  practically  applied. 
For  this  reason  the  Research  Laboratories  devote  much 
time  to  the  study  of  purely  scientific  problems. 

GesieraAElectric 

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Freshmen ! 

Buy  Early— You  Save 
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BUY  YOUR 

BOOKS  AND 

SUPPLIES 

MONDAY 

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TUESDAY 


AVOID  THE   ! 

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Oh  The  Square 


BOOKS  :  FOUNTAIN  PENS  :  PENNANTS 


LAUNDRY  BOXES  :  ATHLETIC  GOODS 


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TOILET  ARTICLES  :  ARTISTS'  SUPPLIES 


:  :   KODAKS  :  CIGARS  :  AND  :  GIFTS 


Get  acquainted  with  this  great  college  store.  It  supplies  your  needs  at  lowest  prices.  It 
saves  you  money;  renders  quick,  honest,  efficient  sei-vice.  If  our  goods  are  not  satisfac- 
tory we  make  them  good.  This  is  a  store  of  satisfaction  and  where  you  feel  at  home. 
Telegraph  station — Free  phones — rest  rooms.  We  urge  you  to  buy  your  supplies  before 
classes  meet,  thereby  avoiding  the  rush  and  possible  shortage  of  stocks.  We  can  tell 
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THERE'S  an  indescribable  confidence  that 
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Our  Society  Brand  clothes  offer  unusually  at- 
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CHAMPAIGN 


Reverse  Romance 

The  linivest  moon   \v;is  waxiiij; 

l>i-iglit, 
A'glowing  iu  the  sky ; 
Ami  (111  this  earth  two  lovers  sat 
And  one  ol'  them  was  I. 


Said  she,  "The  iiioon  is  smiliiii; 

down, 
He"s  laugiiinj;  at  us  liere". 
Said  I,  "Tlie  moon   is  smiling 

bright. 
He's  smiling  with  us,  dear". 

The  harvest  moon  was  waxing 

bright. 

One  lover  there  to  see; 

The  harvest   inoonAVell,   she   was 

right, 
liecause  the  laugh's  on  me. 
— A.L.S. 


Don't  vou  thinlc  it's  rather  sillv- 


A  Moral  Without  a  Fable        -^'"^  nnsoi.er- 

Little   girls    with    hollow    teeth      ^o  portray  this  lady  chilly- 


JIREN 

Musical  Appreciation  56 

The  baml  loiuluclor,  as  a  means  of 
flnisliing  his  concert  with  a  bit  of 
simplicity  and  vivacity,  had  his  mus- 
icians in  the  midst  of  an  "everybody- 
forhimselt"  renditiiiii  of  "Tliere'll  Be 
a  Hot  Time  in  the  Old  Town  Tonight". 
The  intoxicated  person  who  occupied 
the  seat  next  to  me.  and  who  had  been 
a  disinterested  listener  up  to  this  time, 
was  now"  undergoing  an  emotional 
crisis.  Tears  streamed  down  his 
cheeks. 

When  the  number  was  finished  he 
leaned  over  to  me,  and  with  confiding 
pathos  exclaimed,  "what  shympathetic 
bunch  of  muzishans".  I  asked  him 
how  he  could  enjoy  such  an  uninspir- 
ing piece  of  music.  He  replied,  "My 
wife  hash  been  away.  Comsh  home 
tonite.  Bottle  of  gin  on  library  table. 
She'll  beat  me  home.  O-hic-hell". 
J.L. 


-S- 


shouldn't   chew   gum. — A.-':25. 


Ill  October'.' 


Euphemia 

A   stlidt'iil   who  Ixiaidcd  on  (iiceii 
Had  no  eartiily   use  for  a    bean: 

He'd  go  to  the  Delly 

And    till   \^^   on 
Almost   evervtliinii  but. 


t" 

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[11 


jmEN 


Zoological  Studies 

(^'l-l■)^al  snapshots  taken  in  the  purlieus  of  Learning 
and  Labor) 

The  Janitor  who  asserts  ids  iudepeudance  and 
equality  by  sweeping  over  tlie  boots  of  the  passer-by. 

The  Ernest  Young  Man  who  thinks  that  his  in- 
structors like  long  conferences  with  him. 

Tlie  grim  Summer  Worker,  who  would  rather 
know  how  to  teach  than  what  to  teach. 

The  Egg,  who  quotes  Kipling  to  illustrate  his 
emotions. 

The  otherwi.se  Nice  Ciirl — gingham  frocks  and 
lace  frocks — who  values  a  Thrill  almost  as  she  values 
a  Cherry  Boston. 

The  musty  Music  Master  wlio  denounces  Irving 
Berlin  as  a  menace  to  our  Poor  Dear  Yotmg  People. 

The  sentimental  Saxophonist  who  thinks  the 
Nocturnes  of  C'liopin  are  liigli))row  and  effeminate. 

The  nervous  girl  wlio  know  nineteen  ways  of 
tearing  up  a  soda  straw. 

The  Demon  who  is  cluvrful  before  breakfast. 

— Summer  Scout. 
S 


About  the  only  inspiration  one  can  get  out  of 
a  rliet.  1  class  is  the  deep  breath  that  always  comes 
when  tlie  class  adjourns. 


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convenience  means  in  establisliing  bank- 
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AVe  do  a  general  banking  business 
and  you  are  particularly  invited  to 
avail  vourself  of  om-  service. 


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I   The  University  State  Bank 
j  of  Champaign 

I  Cap'.tal  stock  $50,000.00 

1 

[2] 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jimmie 


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■4 


JIUEN 


The  Pragmatic  Lover 

You'll  admit,  cause  it's  Hue.  little  woman. 
If  vou'ir  in-('tty.  yoti're  i-atlici-  blase. 
And  I  can't  even  hope  to  impress  yon 
By  a  movie  or  auto  ride  gay; 
I  must  take  yon  ilanccs  and  theatres, 
Must  spend  dollars  you'll  never  miss. 
Can  you  blame  me,  oh  damsel  so  costly. 
If  at  jiartinj;  I  steal  just  one  kiss"? 

Xow  the  iiroblem  I  face  isn't  simi)le, 
I'd  like  to  be  friendly  you  km>\v: 
A\'ould  yon  tliiid<  me  a  cad  if  I  kissed  you'.' 
If  I  didn't  would  you  think  1  was  slow'/ 

A.L.S. 


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[3] 


MWEM 


Jane  the  Jingled 


All  absent  youug  lady  named  Jane 
Would  never  come  in  from  the  rain; 

For  this  cause  and  others, 

Her  three  brothers,  had  to  lead  her  about  on  a 


-S- 


Has  It  Come  to  This,  Elmer  ? 

•■^^'ill  you  take  me  to  our  dance  Friday  night, 
Jerry?" 

"Sure,  tickled  to  death  Marge". 

"That  will  be  awfully  nice  of  you.  If  it  would 
n't  be  too  much  trouble  you  could  come  and  get  me 
after  the  dance,  too.  You  know.  Bob  lives  way  over 
on  the  other  side  of  town  and  I  hate  for  him  to 
have  to  come  so  far  to  get  me  when  the  dance  is 
being  given  so  close  to  his  house." — J.L. 
S 


Reward ! 


This,  nies  amis,  is  the  gent  who  whistles  Avalon 
on  the  street,  in  the  Lincoln  liall  corridors,  in 
booths  at  Mosi's,  and  in  his  own  sanctum  santorum. 

The  Siren  offers  as  reward  for  his  capture,  dead 
or  alive,  1  i>air  of  linsey-woolsey  golf  breeks,  1  ten- 
nis ball,  almost  new,  and  a  copy  of  Mrs.  Brownings 
Sonnets. 


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iirMii^^ifrin<T>T»i'Ti 


Prices  on 

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averaging 

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taste  of  tlie  chap  who 
sportsaStetson.  Abso- 
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Just  as  much  a  part  of 
the  smart  college  outfit 
as  pep  and  enthusiasm 
is  a  part  of  campus  1  ife. 


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The  same  today  as  for 

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bv  the 

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;MiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiinniiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMaiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiitiiniiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiitiiiMiii]i!]iiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiiMiiiii^  aiiiiiiiiiiiiQiiiiiiiiiiiiDii 


'An  Optimist  is  a  Fellow  Who  Still  Carries  a  Corkscrew  " 


On  Stationery 

The  paper  of  printed  matter  is  more  than  a 
common  carrier  of  type.  It  has  a  message  of  its 
own. 

There  are  dainty,  feminine  papers,  rugged 
mascuhne  papers,  papers  that  suggest  class,  cost 
and  quaUty.  Tlie  stationery  you  use  is  your  own 
representative. 

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"A  Pessimist  is  a  Man  Who  Wears  Both  Belt  and  Suspenders  " 


[6] 


HKEN 


Calista  Jane,  the  Picnic  Ham,  formerly  catching  the  apraising  eye  of  the  Third  Best  Fox  Trotter  on 
Green  Street,  has  induced  him,  by  way  of  an  opening  date,  to  share  her  pet  hobby  of  an  al  fresco  two- 
some. She  furnished  everything  except  the  salt  and  the  matches — lovely  thin  sandwiches  of  mousetrap 
cheese,  a  casserole   of  cauliflower,   und   so   weiter.    Including  two  bits  worth  of  bacon  and  four  eggs.  Alas. 

At  the  moment  of  this  closeup,  the  hopeful  Calista  Is  declaiming  "Oh,  Hilary,  the  sunset  glow  is 
just  heartbreakingly   beautiful;    look". 

But  Hilary  is  eggbreakingly  ugly,  has  smoke  in  his  eyes,  has  burned  two  thumbs  and  one  index 
finger  trying  to  turn  an  agile  wafer  of  bacon — so  another  of  Calista's  romances  dies  a-borning. 


I 
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I 

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[7] 


I 


T.  P.  BouRLA.ND,  Editor;  GKowiK  B.  Switzku,  Art  Editur;  Morgan  L.  Fitch,  Business  Manager;  J.  A.  Nliokolls, 
G.  V.  Buchanan.  Jr..  Contributing  Editor;  Jack  Tuttle,  Advertising  Mgr.;  R.  J.  Weber,  Foreign  Adv.  Mgr.;  R.  H. 
Exchange  Editor;   Hoken  Hoie,   Conlril)uting  Artist.  Ferguson,  Ciriuhition  Mgr.;  R.  R.  Fowler,  Asst.  Bus.  Mgr. 


Editorial  Staff 

Lem  Phillips 
A.  L.  Strau.s 
Agnes  Vrooman 

O.    D.   BURGE 

John  Lawder 


L.  M.  Stormont 
P.  B.  Bass 
Leonard  Hunt 
Chas.  E.  Notes 
Chase  Judah 


Business  Staff 
G.  E.  Darling  Floyd  Mochon 


R.  E.  Denze 
C.  R.  Defenbaugh 
Bart  Hurd 
J.  O.  Kett 
Hugh  Fechtman 
Leon  Ludwig 
Julia  Thompson 


J.  A.  O'Brien 
J.  B.  O'Donnell 

W.    C.    RUNKLE 

S.  W.  Redeniske 
T.  L.  Shurtelle 
Mary  Hopkins 


Art  Staff 

G.  V.  Buchanan  Shannon  Meriwether 
Beatrice  Adams    Dorothy  Schulze 
Martin  Topper      Helen  Hottinger 
Hoken  Hoie  C.  W.  Baughman 

M.  R.  Marx  Elizabeth  Boggs 


Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year.  Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the 
postoffice  at  Urlia'na,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879.  Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price,  $i..so  the 
year   local,  $1.75   by   mail.     Address  all  conununications  to   106  University    Hall,  Urbana,   Illinois. 


A\'e  liasten  to  a.s.sure  a  puzzled  public  that  the 
cover  which  adorns  this  issue  of  The  Siren  is  not 
intended  to  convey  veiled  insult. 

Mr.  Marx  has  merely  permitted  his  fancy  to 
roam  to  a  land  where  common  things  have  suffered 
a  reversa  lin  their  natural  relations,  and  has  sketch- 
ed for  us  the  amusiny  prospect  of  monkeys  out  of 
cages  and  people  in  them.  Surely  you  would  not  say 
that  there  was  an  allegory  in  it. 

S 

Few  Epithets  are  too  drastic  to  apply  to  the 
man  who  is  aggressively  cheerful  ))ef()re  breakfast. 
In  him  is  all  tlie  obscenity  of  the  sound  of  a  mech- 
anical piano  at  dawn,  all  the  cruelty  of  laughter 
in  tiie  operating  room.  He  is  the  ghoul  of  emotions. 
S • 

111  non  reading  communities,  the  writing  of 
editorials  is  diverting  and   h.irmless. 


To  the  voracious  and  eager  readers  of  the  Ar- 
huckle  Case  stories,  the  Siren  would  suggest  a  per- 
usal of  Thackery's  novelette,  "Catherine".  There  is 
I'ebuke  in  it  for  the  morbid  of  mind. 


Jn  a  clapboard  dungeon  near  the  foundation  of 
I'niversity  hall  sits  Donald  F.  LaFuze.  He  edits 
the  Ulini. 

Near  an  o})en  window,  he  .sits  between  his  type- 
writer and  the  wide  world.  Through  the  window  he 
sees  passing  things  which,  in  his  e.stiniation,  need 
imi)rovement.  He  improves  them.  He  .sees  freshmen 
who  needs  advice.  He  advises  them.  He  sees  girls 
who  need  dressing.  He  dresses  them — or  perhaps 
dresses  them  "down"  would  be  more  ])roi)er  diction. 

In  many  respects  the  present  Illini  dynasty 
offers  contrast  to  preceding  years.  The  Siren  hesi- 
tates to  indulge  in  personalities  of  an  intimate  na- 
ture, else  this  writing  would  extend  itself  at   the 


ISl 


HREN 


exju'iiso  of  wlint   Town  Tcipirs  would   diili  "corlnin 
iiKlividiials"'. 

Oue  utterly  new  ft-atnre  of  the  Daily  llliiii.  how- 
ever, deserves  comment.  That  is  the  fatherliness — 
nay.  the  grandfatherline.ss.  of  its  policy  toward  the 
stiulent  body.  Thus  far,  each  issue  of  the  sheet  has 
carried  a  messajje  of  kindly,  fatherly,  intimate,  def- 
inite, sweet,  well-meant,  siij^e.  and  };racions  advice 
to  some  division  or  other  of  Us  Young  Seekers. 
Never  hefore  have  the  freshmen  been  informed  as 
to  the  ethics  of  registration.  Never  before  has  the 
subject  of  the  advance  date  been  argue<l  before  the 
advance  daters  in  constructively  critical  form. 
Never  before — much — have  the  instructors  been  ad- 
vised how  they  may  improve  their  teaching  tech- 
nique. Father  LjiFuze  is  going  to  mend  our  ways 
for  us.  me  thinks,  or  burst  an  aorta  in  the  attempt. 

S 


SINCE  LA!ST  we  met.  sweet  oiies.  but  one  new 
thing  has  crossed  our  path.  The  passing  of 
<  )pen  House,  to  give  it  a  name.  Some  have  shed 
tears  at  its  passing,  but  the  SIREN  weeps  not.  be- 
cause she  delights  in  the  rarity  of  anything  that  is 
new. 

(Jjien  house  has  ever  been  a  curious  and  an 
amusing  institution.  It  originated,  it  seems,  when 
the  Uni  was  yet  but  a  pup.  and  unable  to  boast 
iiiough  gregarious  males  to  break  down  a  sorority 
porch.  Old  Timers  have  remarked  that  one  really 
i)ecame  acquainted  at  Open  House  in  those  days, 
ilartha  introduced  Micky  to  Mary,  and  Mickj-  and 
Mary  straightway  sjit  together  on  the  bottom  step 
for  a  half  hour,  discovering  how  many  common  ac- 
(|uaiutances  and  uncommon  friends  they  had  in 
Evanston.  Milwaukee,  and  jioints  west. 

Not  so  leisurly  the  Open  House  of  the  later 
years.  A  nervous  glance,  a  gurgling  in  the  throat, 
a  flabby  hand-clasp — and  Micky  passes  on.  while 
JIary  sets  her  face  for  another  man-about-town. 
Too  many  men.   Too  many  men. 

And  the  men.  because  they  couldn't  really  meet 
the  girls,  got  a  kick  out  of  the  situation  by  giving 
the  Mistress  of  Ceremonies  ridiculous  aliases,  and 
by  other  sharjt  jests. 

So  Open  House  went  to  seed,  and  now  it  is  no 
more. 

We   have   other   noble   and    ancient   traditions. 


They  arc  going  to  seed  also,  mayhap.  Hut  nolnxly 
knows  it.  They  aiv.  moreover,  under  the  protection 
of  the  sentimentalists.  Give  these  traditions  time. 
They  will  become  absurd,  unpleasant,  cundiersomc. 
Then  they  will  be  no  more. 

Too  bad. 

Our  sister  students  have  by  this  time  subjected 
them.selves  to  the  annual  exhortation  to  wear  mod- 
est raiment.  Possibly  they  have  been  told  that  no 
"lady"  will  cut  her  skirt  shorter  than  a  specilied 
number  of  inches  from  the  floor.  I'ossibly  they 
have  been  told  that  powder  is  inexcusably  frixoluiis 
and  rouge  flatly  indecent. 

Possibly  they  have  taken  these  things  to  heart. 

Last  year  Sam  I'epless  remarked,  "If  kuocR- 
knee  will  not  make  for  modest  dresses,  what  chance 
has  morality?" 


In  the  library,  over  by  "Who's  Who,  sits  a  youth 
who  smells  of  Bay  Rum.  By  the  Enc.  Rrit.  is  a 
bliinde  sophomore — sci'uted  with  Hothouse  Lilac. 
Down  the  aisle  blows  the  scent  of  the  Factory  Rose, 
and  hounded  to  its  source  it  is  found  to  emanate 
fiom  the  handkerchief  of  the  girl  in  the  middy.  In 
the  Periodical  Room  sit  a  trio  of  sisters,  evidently 
users  of  a  common  scent-pot  for  they  give  forth  a 
homogenious  Jlock-Patchouli.  The  freshly  shaved 
young  gentlemen,  taking  interminable  notes  from  the 
Qu-Ra  tile,  labors  in  a  nimbus  of  rare  olil  Williams. 

I  have  a  headache.  Let's  drift  over  to  the  ("hem 
Building. 


-S- 


DAD'S  DAY  is  aI)out  due.  In  case — Dads — this 
coiiy  of  our  Sii-en  falls  into  your  hands,  con- 
sider it  as  part  of  our  siucere  and  artVctiouate  wel- 
come to  you.  Why  the  habit  of  iinitiii.u  ymi  all  over 
here  once  a  year  did  not  develope  years  and  years 
before  it  did.  we  do  not  know,  ^^■lly  it  never  oc- 
curred to  us  that,  of  all  the  delegations  which  ilu' 
year  brings  to  a  state  university,  a  delegation  of 
Dads  would  be  the  most  interested,  necessary  and 
welcome,  we  cannot  say.  Hut  now  that  ycui  an 
here 

How  do  you  like  the  place,  anyway?  Do  we 
.seem  to  be  getting  your  money's  worth  Fathers  of 
sons,  do  the  girls  behave  and  dress  to  your  taste'' 
Fathers  of  daughters,  do  the  young  men  seem  safe"/ 
After  all,  it  is  your  opinion  that  really  counts.  In 
a  way,  we're  on  our  company  manners.  But  cant 
you  stay  over  Monday'/ 

Even  so — look  us  over  carefnlly.  while  you're 
here. 


[9] 


HREN 


Personal 


"The  Phi  Kap's  have  just  discovered 
the  answer  to  the  infamous  question 
"What  a  man  loses  by  going  to  col- 
lege". 

"No!    what  is  it". 

"Sleep". 

S 


from  tfie 

Boneyrird 


In  German-I. 

Prof.:    "rrniiomuc  Krii-nr" 

Ambitions    (nic:      "1     ciiii't — it 
ticldes!" 

I'nd  A.O. :    "Das  liflit  ist   liell". 

I'l'of.  Lessing:    "Niclit    liellll — 
licll  I    I'fnctisc  licll  please". 

— Procopius. 

S 


To  Yvette  de  Fimes 


Sister  of  (Jaiiviiiede,  it  may  liave 

been 
Tliat    I    rej>ar(U'(i    yon    with    flat, 

(Inll  eyes. 
In  those  rare  clays  I'm  learning 

late  to   prize — 
Relieve  me,  kid,  yon  flnng  a  mean 

tnreen. — Corporal   Charles. 

S 


A  Matter  of  orthography  and  Mis- 
placed Modifiers.  Fifteen  freshmen 
have  signed  up  for  the  Starve  Course, 
at   the    Beta    house. — Item. 


I    was    Angus    MacBlott, 

Of    County    MacBlott 

lovi/a. 

My  dad   played  the  organ 

In  the   Presbyterian  Church. 

My   ma   sang   in  the  choir. 

My   sister   practised   her   Cerny 

And   Bergmuller  faithfully 

'till  she  got  married. 

And    I 

Bought   a  sax 

And    some    blue   and    yellow 

Stickers,  and   a 

Laundry   mailing   case, 

And    rented   a    room,    and 

Became  an    lllini. 

But 

I   couldn't  resist 

Tootling    my   Sax, 

By   my  open  window, 

On   fine   nights — 

So    obviously 

The   Boneyard   got   me. 


Ode  to  a  Hickey 

Oh,  terror  of  the  bravest, 
Hated  by  all  men. 
Oh   horror  to  the  beautiful. 
To  yon  this  pome  I  pen. 

The  prettiest  of  maidens 
Yon  transform  into  freaks; 
The  Jiandsomest  of  gentlemen 
You  uglify  for  weeks. 

Oil,  just  before  the  party, 
And  just  before  the  ball 
Yon  come  to  us,  O  IMmple; 
I  hate  you  over  all. — A.L.S. 

S 


He:     My  how   clean   this  page  is, 
She:     Yes   I  just  swept  it  with  my 
eye. 


An  obscure  landscajie  ]>:iiiiter 

named  (iage 
Chewed    up   hrnsii   after  biiish    in 
his  rage; 
"Par  Satirus!"   he  fumed — 
(  For  his  day's  work  was  <loom- 
ed 
By  the  girl  on  tlie  opposite  page. 

S 

Alas  for   poor   Bonnie   S.    Lee, 

Who  lighted  a  match  Just  to  see 
Where    the    gas    pipe    was    leaking. 

His  wife  is  now  shrieking 
"Oh   bring   back   my   Bonnie  to   me". 


[10] 


When  Love  Has  Changed  to 
Kindliness 


Above,  gkiiiCL-  at  Silas  and  Diu.silla. 

Dnisilla  claims  that  the  imncli  is  spiked. 

(The  scene  is  laid  l)etween  dances). 

Silas  avers  that  at  his  fi-at  the  punch  is  never 
si>iked. 

Drusilla  concludes  that  the  punch  must  lie 
spiked,  since  no  one  save  one  full  of  spiked  punch 
would  state  that  such  punch  was  not  spiked. 

Do  you  get  a  kick  out  of  that? 


Symbolism  in  Literature 

''Learn  to  draw  on  your  imagination'',  was  tiie 
advice  tlie  editor  gave  to  the  Ms])iriiig  writer.  So  the 
clever  young  man  drew  a  sli-aight  line  across  a 
piece  of  blank  paper.    His  salary  was  raised. 

S 

It  was  a  liark  night.  He  was  ineliriated — a 
lightning-bug  on  the  tip  of  his  nose,  was  trying 
to  out  shine  the  irridescence  of  the  bulbous  probos- 
cis.  And  so,  home;  whistling  "Lead  Kindly  Light". 


SIREN 


Oct.  a — Not  wishing  to  lU-ti-acI  from  my  (hilly 
endeavors,  to-wit  tJie  comiiiliiig  of  a  day  (o  day 
chronicle  of  my  doings,  yet  at  the  same  time  wish- 
ing to  cede  to  the  demands  of  tiie  slave  di-iver  who 
rooms  directly  above  me,  and  who,  odds  wots,  pub- 
lisjies  this  liliel  to  the  good  mime  of  Jiunior,  1  again 
take  my  battered  Sniitli  on  my  knee  at  tlie  iimiiiii- 
ent  risk  of  ruining  mine  hozen,  and  make  the  at- 
tempt. Up  at  the  crack  o'  the  morn,  to  the  rooms  of 
labor,  and  so  to  bed,  none  the  wiser  "spite  the  at- 
tempts of  various  and  sundry  congenial  crackers 
of  the  tomes,  who  did  their  liest  with  me,  i"  faith. 
So  to  bed. 

Oct.  6— Roused,  the  morn,  by  denisous  of  a 
rival  eating  club  who  wished  my  vote  at  the  elec- 
tions, come  Oct.  14,  liut  did  scorn  them  and  jiuU  the 
blankets  over  mine  ears,  for  i'faith  there  is  but 
little  I  ken  of  politics,  though  I  cast  a  wicked  bal- 
lot when  properly  informed  by  the  projier  autlior- 
ities.  But  one  must  look  to  one's  supporters,  a  say- 
ing equally  as  sound  in  the  realm  of  votes  and  vot- 
ers as  in  a  haberdashery. 

Oct.  7 — My  Lord  Co(dey,  coming  to  the  fore 
with  a  suggestion  I  needs  nuist  list  to  his  plea.  Sir 
CooUey,  infesting  the  same  room,  to-wit  being  my 
room-mate  I  wouldst  out  witli  the  thing  before  he 
hounds  me  to  an  early  demise.  In  fact  the  situa- 
tion i.s  this:  Sir  Ciiet  Davis  (save  the  mention  of 
tiie  name)  was  loath  to  repay  Sir  "Doc''  last  Mar- 
tinnuis  for  four  tickets  to  a  Flask  and  Bottle  pro- 
duction yclept  "Our  Children",  (though  i'  faith  I 
know  Sir  Cliet  has  none)  and  was  promi.sed  ]iayment 
when  the  Chi  Omega's  had  settled  their  debts.  Now 
Sir  Doc  would  know  from  Sir  Chet,  "have  the  girls 
|iaid  uji?  if  so,  where  at's  my  sheckles"/"  So,  Sir 
Chet,  here's  the  message. 

Oct.  8 — Our  friend  the  iiulilisJier,  not  remember- 
ing that  this  time  one  year  ago  come  Alicliaclmas 
he  was  driven  liy  my  demands,  ajijiears  now  witli 
the  stern  order.  "Chop  otf.  Sam,  whatinell  d'ye 
think  I'm  running,  an  aiuiual  report"/''  so  otf  with 
tlie  lihald  witticism — and  so  to  the  shucks. 


Ill] 


HREN 

The  Arcade  Philosopher 


A  dollar  expended  iu  joining  the 
Illinois  Union  is  a  first  rate  in- 
vestment at  present.  One  vote  is 
worth  over  a  dollars  worth  of 
"cokes". 


"Be  nobly  earnest",  quoted  the 
intellectual  sister  as  she  gazed  on 
the  six  pins  that  adorned  her 
roommate's  dresser. 


The  "college"  slicker  expi'essed 
the  same  sentiments  when  he 
found  that  three  of  his  surest  for- 
mal prospects  had  lieeu  comparing 
notes. 


The  sweet  young  co-ed  told  us 
road  houses  just  fascinated  her. 
You  know  the  kind  where  you  can 
get  nice  young  chickens.  Then 
she  was  insulted  when  we  laughed 


That  reminds  us  the  innocent 
tlungs  must  have  a  great  store  of 
that  intangible  asset  of  all  women, 
intuition.  She  becomes  indignant 
when  we  laugh  at  her  ingenuous 
remarks,  but  never  can  understand 
why  we  are  laughing. 


It  has  been  reported  that  the 
would  be  managers  of  candidates 
for  class  presidents  hope  to  be 
chairmen  of  the  various  class 
dances.  We  presume  they  wish  to 
be  sure  of  obtaining  tickets.  Or 
perhai)s  it  is  merely  stationary. 


Of  course  we  realize  that  the 
naturalists  contend  that  we  can 
love  more  than  one  girl.  But  few 
aside  from  Floyd  Dell,  and  the 
university  fashion  plate,  claim 
they  can  love  more  than  one  at 
the  .same  time. 


We've  seen  it  done  at  that,  in 
a  porch  swing ;  when  a  big  strong 
man  had  a  young  thing  on  either 
side. 


Tlie  walking  clothes  rack  who  is 
always  singing  about  the  cellar 
sister  he  drew  on  his  blind  date, 
doesn't  often  consider  how  his 
charms  may  have  appealed  to  the 
girl  in  question. 


Back  Again  Blues 


Come  drown  your  sorrows  iu  a  coke,  let  tears 
be  uncoufiued,  for  we  are  back  to  college  grub  to 
get  our  stomachs  lined.  No  more  on  mother's  food 
we  dine,  no  more  we'll  fill  on  beef,  ham  sandwiches 
and  malted  milk  must  assuage  our  grief.  Alas,  there 
is  no  cookie  box  on  John,  or  Green,  or  Wright.  No 
Xtantry  shelves  invite  our  teeth  before  we  sleep  each 
night.  For  months  we've  fed  on  sirloins  rare,  on 
stuff  that  mother  makes.  Today  we  start  on  Ham- 
burgers, farewell  to  roasts  and  steaks.  Oh  college 
days  may  be  a  joy,  indeed  there  is  no  question,  I 
get  an  education  rare  and  also  indigestion. — A.L.S. 


The  Modest  Mortician 

For  years  the  village  undertaker,  with  high  silk 
hat  and  frock  coat,  had  always  held  the  center  of 
the  stage  at  funerals.  When  ever  anyone  in  the  town 
died,  that  was  the  signal  for  him  to  be  the  whole 
show,  stalking  about  here,  directing  something  there, 
serenely  conscience  of  liis  great  importance  till  the 
burial  was  over. 

Just  as  one  of  the  prominent  citizens  died,  a 
new  undertaker  came  to  town  and  got  the  job.  The 
affair  came  off  very  solemnly,  quietly  and  sedately. 

"What  I  like  about  you,"  said  one  of  the  de- 
ceased's i-elatives,  as  he  paid  the  bill,  "is  that  you 
give  the  corpse  a  chance." — A.L.S. 


[12] 


HREN 


"Vie    use 
croquet   balls 


nJn 


The  old  game  of  football  is  entering  the  field  this 
year  not  only  as  the  prime  King  of  mid-winter  sports,  but 
as  King  of  Kings  as  far  as  other  years  go.  Walter,  who 
writes  in  the  Trib,  and  Al,  and  Potsy  (our  own)  all  say 
so,  so  it  is.    Seriously. 

*  *  «  * 

Zup.  the  one  and  original  Simon  Legree,  according  to 
Jack  Crangle.  our  "humping  fool",  is  sure  tearing  up  the 
earth  these  days.  About  every  second  or  third  day.  Zup 
has  to  give  'em  a  rest.  On  those  days,  practise  only  goes 
until  6:30.  Any  other  day.  the  stars  are  on  deck  before 
the  warriors  troop  in. 

»  «  *  * 

It  is  whispered  hereabouts  that  Iowa,  on  a  recent 
Saturday  afternoon,  scored  a  certain  number  of  points  on 
our  team.  This  is  bad  news  for  all  of  us.  We  are  filled 
with  regret — but — after  the  first  shock  o'  the  news  it 
occured  to  us  that  the  Iowa  game  was  but  the  first  one 
of  the  year— and— ARE  WE   DOWNHEARTED? 

'Should   SAY-Y-V   NOT! 


Not  changing  the  subject  any,  but  does  anyone  want 
the  job  of  milking  the  cow  that  furnishes  the  milk  that 
goes  to  the  warriors?    Adv. 

*  -»  *  * 

"Twenty  years  ago  today" — Illinois  footballers  et 
red  meat.  Today  it's  white  milk!  'What  would  the  shade 
of  Pom  Sinnock  say  to  that? 

*  *  *  * 

Burt  Ingwersen  is  having  the  time  of  his  lite  show- 
ing the  younguns  how  it's  done.  One  frosh  remarked  how- 
ever that  his  chances  were  gone.  He  stepped  on  one — 
only  one — of  Burt's  feet  the  other  night.  I  feel  sorry  for 
that  kid.  but  he  was  outside  a  ring  of  devotees  surround- 
ing Burt  when  it  happened.    How  comes? — Well  anyway — 

»  *  *  * 

The  Michigan  Whisper  predicts  another  rotten  year 
in  football.  You'll  remember  that  the  whole  darn  team 
was  afflicted  with  hay-fever,  cramps,  Charley  colts  and 
what  not  just  before  that  memorable  battle  at  Ann  Arbor 
last  year.  So  if  the  ends  and  the  quarter  get  off  the  rattler 
this  year  wearing  splints,  crutches  and  red  neckties,  don't 
get  boistrous  about  the  battle  being  over  mother  .  Mister 
Yost  always   has   some   of  that  Canadian  border  pep. 

*  ♦  *  * 

Two  years  from  today   and  the  big  horseshoe  will   be 
nailed   together.     Maybe   we   wont   feel   swell    then.     Golly! 
See  you   later. 

— Terrance. 


Apologium  Bootlegorum 

I. 

Me  name  is  O'Grady 

Me   mother's   a   lady 
Me   father  most   strangely's   a   man 
Me  trade  is  bootleggin' 

Me   childer  arc   beggin' 
Me  better  half's  rushin'  the  can. 

II. 
Time  was,  me  profession 

Was  hearin'  confession 
Though   nary   a   cassock    1   wore. 
I   stood   by  the   bar  rail 

An'  listened   to  each  tale 
Of  drunks  as  they  lay  on  the  floor. 

111. 
Then   times  died  a-bornin' 

Now  aivnin  an  mornin' 
I'm   schlippin'  in  town  in  a  van 
Eludin'   the   coppers 

Removin'  the  stoppers 
To   help   every  leather   mouthed   man. 

IV. 
They've  ruined  me  ratin' 

Be  much  agitatin' 
Sassiety  frowns  on  me  trade. 
Though  my  situation 

Don't   give   me   elation 
'Tis  better  than  swingin'  a   spade. 
— G.V.B. 


llalton  lloif 


[13] 


SUSEN 


Our  Loci 


Slim  Pickens  is  tlie  boy  at  the  Koppa  Sigarette 
menage-rie  who  says  "I'm  the  soap  .  .  "  and  gets  away 
with  it.  He  is  the  only  man  in  the  University  who  can 
lay  back  on  a  divan  while  the  women  fight  it  out  in  the 
front  hall,  and  then  be  content  with  the  winner.  Slim 
believes  in  the  adage,  "Take  'em  young,  don't  treat  "em 
at  all  and  may  the  best  woman  win". 


Football  is  not  all  hardship.  Of  course  if  you  make 
the  team  and  all — but  here's  Marion.  He  signs  up  and 
sticks  until  kicked  out,  but  until  then  he  has  all  the  privi- 
leges of  the  uniform  and  everything.  And  Clarisse  does 
.so  love  a  strong,  virile  mna.  Of  course  Marion  isn't 
so  bulky  in  his  B.V.D.'s,  but  what  they  don't  know  don't 
hurt  'em — is  his  motto. 


Lawyers  are  not  athletes,  although  they  might  classify 
in  Spanish  activities.  Therefore  this  is  not  a  lawyer.  His 
air  of  finesse,  of  being  "among  the  bon  mot"  comes  from 
his  long  association  with  the  elite  at  the  next  door  pool 
hall.  If  the  truth  of  the  matter  he  known  he  is  a  night 
watchman  at  the  day  nursery.  But  then  the  camaradie  of 
the  sportsman  often  covers  a  more  mediocre  character 
with  a  film  of  reflected  glory. 


Among  our  minor  sports  (no  one  over  twenty-one 
would  stoop  to  it)  is  prominently  listed  the  game  of  "put 
and  take".  It  is  played  with  a  small  top.  Archie  and 
Reggie  are  now  engaged  in  this  ferocious  struggle  .which 
consists  of  Archie  putting  and  Reggie  taking.  When 
Archie  is  fini  they  will  put  out  the  light  and  take  to  the 
coverlets. 


[14] 


athletics 


JIREN 


ft«.-;£ 


h      


/^'-/^ 


Horace  Hasdrubal  Hawkins  is  not  anemic.  His  looks 
belie  him.  Horace  has  his  round  of  tennis  daily,  unless 
his  studies  interfere,  and  he  insists  on  really  violent 
exercise  at  times.  "Why,  at  the  last  Christian  Endeavor 
party  Horace  tatted  two  complete  tats  in  one  evening 
(whatever  that  is.)  He  is  "out"  for  the  net  team,  and 
unless  the  coach  goes  to  sleep  on  the'  job  will  soon  be 
out  for  good. 


Theron  and  Andrew  were  rivals  in  politics  last  Spring. 
The  contest  went  against  Theron.  But  now  ....  ah!  ha! 
The  two  rival  frats,  lota  Eta  Pi  and  Phi  Phi  Alpha,  are 
battling  off  the  intramural  basketball  title.  Neither  Theron 
nor  Aubrey  knows  much  about  basketball,  but  look  at 
the  chance  to  get  back  for  the  dirty  things  said  in  Ihe 
canyjaign.  Apparently  llie  contest  this  time  will  be  a 
draw. 


A.  Bougham  Driver,  pride  of  the  Delta  Flushes  is 
about  to  introduce  to  you  the  famous  and  much  played 
guessing  game,  so  aptly  termed  "Woosit?"  He  will  call 
a  number  on  the  phone,  ask  for  Agnes,  and  when  she  says 
hello  he  will  say,  "Hello  Agnes,  Betcha  can't  guess  who 
this  is?"  They  will  bicker  back  and  forth  for  an  hour 
while  the  brothars  and  sisters  cuss  and  yearn  for  the 
phone  ,then  perhaps  he  will  get  a  date — perhaps  not. 


When  the  first  cold  winds  hit  up  Green  and  John  and 
Daniels  streets  the  elder  fralers  break  out  the  freshmen 
for  the  inter-frat  relays.  Augustus,  who  was  misadvert- 
ently  pledged  by  the  Tappa  Nu  Kegs  who  thought  he  was 
a  freshman  the  Kappa  Clima.x  gang  got,  is  running  for 
the  honor  of  the  old  frat.  All  he  wants  now  is  to  get  even 
with  the  Soph,  who  told  him  he  could  run  as  well  in  house 
slippers  as  track  shoes. 


[15] 


"KNOW  THYSELF" 

An  August  Day  Dream 


[16] 


HREN 


HELLO  GIRLS! 

Riioul  Harvey,  now  converted  to  a  jAane  of  h'ujher 
Uhalx,  has  rcxolrat  to  hriiihten  the  dateless  studij- 
liours  III  (lie  lllhiii'is  ('ii(<ls.  l-'raiii  lime  to  time  he 
wiU  donate' tree  hits  of  adrici'  irJiicli  lie  hopes  irill 
meet   with  your  approval. 

We  therefore  present  this  vohniui  to  Kaoul  and 
liaoul   to  you.— XI  REN  A. 


His  Raoul  (X)  Harvey  Mark 

(tirls  this  is  (luit"  a  tin-ill  to  iiie  after  all  those 
jjliastly  intemperate  years,  l)ut  I'll  try  to  hlot  them 
out  with  a  heli)tiil  present.  No  doubt  by  this  time 
yon  have  found  that  mother's  helpful  hints  are 
rather  non-collegiate,  so  I'm  going  to  give  you  a 
few  tips,  so  arranged  that  any  self  arranged  girl 
can  ](ut  the  di-eam  over  unaided.  Here,  Dearie,  are 
a   few  college-trade   tricks. 


The  other  night  I  chanced  on  the  cunningest 
flutfy  fur  rug,  and  it  was  made  (of  course  you'd 
guess)  from  the  hide  of  an  old  Teddy.  This  very 
natty  trick  was  augmented  by  the  darlingest  cutest 
rag  rug  before  the  dressing  table,  very  simply  made 
by  the  mere  casting  of  wearing  apparel  on  the  floor 
the  night  before.  In  this  way  you  see  you  can 
change  the  motif  at  will  by  the  simple  addition  or 
deduction  of  a  few  items  in  its  composition. 

•  «  *  * 

To  show  these  olf  to  the  best  advantage  a  very 
lioney  little  little  table  lamp  can  be  made  at  little 
cost  by  inverting  a  small  galvanized  coal  scuttle 
on  the  talile  with  any  number  of  candles  beneath. 
This  can  be  trimmed  with  last  sumiiiei's  furs,  now 


iliscardeil  and  hanging  as  they  should  be  on  one  of 
those  clever  practical  and  ciieap  wardrobes,  made 
by  di-i\ing  several   dozen   nails   into  the   plaster  at 

intcrxals  with   a    hairbrush. 

•»  *  *  * 

I'm  sure  tlial  this  dearie,  petite,  little  lamp 
will  not  violate  .your  little  Golden  Text  "Hide  not 
thy  light  under  a  bushel",  foi-  this  scuttle  wont 
hold  a  bushel.  Now,  Neenie  Mind  about  this  "cor 
in  tha  "ead"  season  1  Deans'  Nonsouse  Process  is 
said  by  many  to  be  very  successful.  A  yard  of  i-ed 
flannel  and  some  la  I'd.  api)lied  before  those  "So- 
Oamp"  dates,  and  one  of  these  lovey  big  strong 
mens'  hankies,  applied  at  the  nose  at  intervals  dur- 
ing the  drive  will  do  the  work.  It  also  guarantees 
that  j'ou  will  have  plenty  of  time  to  get  in  and  get 
your  studies  as  the  "He"  will  be  sure  to  get  you  in 
before  it  gets  wor.se. 

Love  and  Cokes, 
Raoul. 


A  Scotch  high-ball  is  a  liipiid  made  liom  some- 
one else's  whiskey,  some  one  else's  soda — and  con- 
sumed by  the  Scotchman. 

S 


I  wish  to  cite  as  an  ingenious  man,  the   gink 
who,  when  told  that  the  hair-spring  in  his   watch 
was  getting  weak,  poured  Glover's  Mange  Cure  on  it. 
S 

The  expression  "great  oaks  from  little  acorns 
grow"^  was  probably  inspired  by  Mr.  Brown  hearing 
the  tinish  of  a  discussion  of  Miss  -lone's  new  beau — 
a  discussion  which  had  started  at  Mrs.  Brown's  sew- 
ing club,  when  one  of  the  members  said.  "Miss 
Jones  had  a  gentleman  caller  last  evening''. 
S — 


A  SAILOK,  conung  home  unexpectedly,  Ihrew 
his  arm  around  his  missus  and  kissed  her.  W'ilhout 
turning  from  her  ironing  sIu?  murmured:  "A  (piart 
o'  milk  and  a  pint  u'  ci-eam."— Ol'U  NAVY  MAGA- 
ZINE. 


[171 


HREN 


the  4  V 


The  tfe-K<:) 

-move  t<sKes 
-the 


Chtcdi^o  shows 
v)S  wh2\t  is 

S^sYtoYi.^H^V 


"(he  E'5^wL-t\i 
whi.tV»ov\e  £oex 
thrv  CoUe^e 


"Tliey  say  that  brevity  is  the  sonl  of  wit."  "My  lieart  is  with  the  ocean!"  cried  the  poet 

"Yes?"  rapturously. 

"Then  our  last  vacation  was  certainly  a  roar-  "You've  gone  me  one  better,"  said  his  seasick 
ing  farce." 


friend,  as  he  took  a  tirmer  grip  on  the  rail. — Tiger. 


GOLF 


As  Prof.  Hayes  animadverted 
the  other  day,  "Golf  would  be  a 
good  game  if  one  did  not  have  to 
hit  the  ball  so  often".  But  in 
s|)ite  of  this  friendly  warning,  I 
adventured  forth  in  search  of  ex- 
ercise upon  the  rolling  section  of 
grassland  which  has  been  desig- 
nated as  tlie  course.  I  liad  an  un- 
pleasant altercation  with  a  certain 
gentleman  who  insisted  on  the  col- 
lection of  two  dollars  before  I 
Jiuglit  be  permitted  to  play,  but 
linally  I  pacified  him,  and  after 
much  procrastination,  set  my  ball 
upon  a  small  heap  of  sand,  a  box 
of  which  is  provided  for  the  pur- 
po.se. 

Alter  indulging  in  several  en- 
ergetic preliminary  thrashes  with 
a  certain  "brassie"  I  addressed 
myself  to  the  sphere  of  guttaper- 
cha with  the  intention  of  sending 
it  in  the  direction  of  the  first 
green.  My  vicious  swing  was  not 
calculated  exactly,  and  the  small 
object  rolled  a  few  feet  to  the 
i-iglit,   much   to  my  disgust.    But 


By  Charles  E.  Noyes 

I  plucked  up  hope,  and  dug  it  up 
from  its  resting  place  maid  much 
confusion  of  turf  and  soil.  By 
numerous  repetitions  of  this  pro- 
cess, I  finally  attained  a  position 
in  the  bunker  whicJi  some  soured 
cynic  placed  about  the  first  de- 
pression. Several  sturdy  attempts 
failed  to  stir  my  instrument  of 
sport,  and  I  was  forced  to  have 
recourse  to  the  expedient  of  toss- 
ing it  upon  the  sward.  This  did 
not  worry  me  greatly,  as  I  had 
enough  strokes  to  make  the  extra 
one  insignificant.  In  putting,  I 
came  perilously  near  a  second  ex- 
pedition into  the  bunker,  but  the 
calanuty  was  averted  and  a  few 
strokes  placed  the  ball  within  the 
small  iron  cup. 

Highly  elated  at  this  success,  I 
fared  on.  Somewhere  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  round  an  ungracious 
gentleman  attempted  to  take  my 
life,  but  luckily  his  aim  was  poor 
and  I  escaped,  though  the  shock 
was  responsible  for  several  un- 
gainly holes  in  the  sod. 


I  outwitted  the  orchard  by  the 
simple  expedient  of  using  many 
short  strokes  instead  of  any  which 
might  be  at  all  dangerous.  But 
on  the  last  hole  I  succeeded  in 
striking  the  ball  quite  one  hund- 
red yards,  and  in  my  excitement 
forgot  to  notice  the  point  in  the 
hedge  where  it  lodged.  Having 
purchased  only  one  of  the  white- 
enamled  spheres,  this  caused  me 
to  end  my  game,  and  I  fared  home- 
wards, much  disgruntled. 
. S 

To  the  Journalistic  Persons 

In  your  noisy  "laboratt)ry" 
hangs  this  sign:  "Accuracy  al- 
waj's".  Permit  the  proposal  of  a 
substitution,  for  verily,  we  can- 
not live  forever  on  one  precept 
only. 

Take  down  the  old  sign,  and  en- 
grave upon  the  lintel  tliese  prac- 
tically immortal  words  of  Ana- 
tole  France: 

All  Gener.\litiks  aue  False, 
Including  this  one. 


[IS] 


Which   vieecls 
■I    A'O       "^ 

— I — 
son   poes  THIS 


SIREN 

«>  o'<a t  to  Q'e t  he v"  f<  y 


^\re-5.v4e    sessions 
6»ce     -*rv«iy^. 


Autobiography  of  a  Sorority  Sofa 


By  L.  n.  Stormont 


To  begin  with,  I  was  born  in  a  furniture  factorj' 
of  noble  antice<lents,  in  Grand  Kapitls.  Of  my  in- 
fancy I  can  recall  very  little  except  sitting  for  a 
long  time  with  a  bunch  of  other  fui-niture  in  a  store 
window  in  Ohniapaign  with  a  tag  on  me  for  about 
four  times  what  I  was  worth.  I  had  to  suffer  the 
indignity  of  having  people  poke  around  me  and  in- 
(piire  about  a  lot  of  things  of  a  personal  nature  to 
me  I  can  still  recall  how  I  bluslied  when  they  spoke 
of  my  legs. 

One  day  I  was  approaclied  by  a  bunch  of  dizzy 
little  bob-haired  flappers  who  pawed  all  over  me 
and  jumped  up  and  down  and  giggled  and  gurgled 
about  me  being  just  what  they  wanted.  I  began  to 
feel  rahter  flattered  until  one  of  them  spoke  up  say- 
ing "Say  this  will  be  the  berries",  can  you  put  a  rope 
on  that? — classing  nu^  with  some  kind  of  ripe  fruit. 
They  bought  me  and  my  life  has  lieen  a  dogs  one 
ever  since,  as  it  were. 

What  vexes  my  upholstery  most  though  is  the 
fact  that  they  don"t  apreciate  what  I  do  for  them. 
Although  I  Idush  to  say  it.  I  am  the  house  man 
trap.  Four  out  of  live  engagements  came  on  accotmt 
of  me  and  the  fifth  never  would  have  landed  the 
poor  boob  she  got  if  she  hadn't  have  taken  him  for 
a  walk  in  the  moonliglit.  I  know  thats  it  cause  I 
jieard  the  sisters  all  agree  to  that  when  they  were 
sitting  on  me  the  next  morning,  They  said  "Its  a 
good  thing  that  Onino  took  him  out  in  the  moon- 
light. I  can't  for  the  life  of  me  see  how  she  did  it. 
"Say  I  had  the  grandest  time  with  Eddie  last  night, 
lie  bought  me" — and  the  same  old  chatter  about 
ilates  and  scalidel  and  cats  started  all  over  again. 

Last  night  I  got  even,  though.  The  house  vam- 
pire who    has  been   trying  to   get  a    man    for    two 


seasons  nearly  had  some  patent  haired  sklnney  leg- 
ged sap  with  a  vest  full  of  jewelrj'.  Say  she  had 
him  right.  He  was  beginning  to  yodel  about  her  be- 
ing the  only  girl  in  a  Imsky  tenor  and  she  was  say- 
ing Yes  yes  go  on  and  thinking  oh  Gawd  (iirls  at 
last,  I  wonder  how  big  the  ring  will  be  and  what 
kind  of  candy  this  gump  will  throw  for  the  sistern. 
If  it  aint  bigger  and  better  than  Margies  I'll  just 
die. 

Then  I  broke  a  leg!  Yea  and  let  the  mutt  kiss 
the  deck  gently  but  firmly.  Wtdl  the  shock  wasn't 
so  great  to  me  altliongh  its  kinda  hard  to  lose  a 
right  hincf  leg.  His  senses  returned  like  a  falling 
elevator.  Say — in  the  snap  of  a  linger  that  bird  had 
flown  from  a  fools  paradise  and  lit  on  terra  tirma 
with  a  jar  similar  to  the  one  the  nit  wits  get  on 
the  day  the  marks  go  up  after  a  final  examination. 
He  gi-abs  his  hat  and  mutters  something  about  be- 
ing hasty  and  takes  the  air  and  she  runs  up  stairs 
to  yammer  and  tear  her  hair. 

Oh  Hum  anyhow  I'll  get  a  vacation  on  the  day 
I  go  to  the  repair  shop  or  the  junk  pile.  I  really 
dont   care   nnuh    wliat    happens. 

S 

Little  Clara  brought  a  drawing  to  her  Daddy — 
a  drawing  comprising  a  circular  scrawl  of  pencil 
lines  and  a  dot. 

"That's  -ittle  ilil"  .Mullet:'"  she  explained. 

"But  where  is  she'?" 

"Oohl    The  'spider  frightened  her  away!" 

And  yet  they  write  books  on  the  Cubists ! 
S 

"Your  Englisli  is  rotten,"  said  the  Student  as 
tlie  Professor  missed  his  sliot. — Widow. 


[19] 


-"'T^-;"*-^-i*^--"-^"?^=fe-^^^^^ 


'^:M'' ■'■:■.:''■  v.'-r^- '■'■>■■' ^:' 


O  Reader,  do  not  hastily 
Admire  this  pretty  thing— 

For  though  she  swingeth  lustily, 
'tis  but  a  practice  swing. 


[20] 


smm 


For  Cultured  Boys  and  Girls 

{A)i)ioii)ici)i(j  tlir  J'libUctiliaii  of  thr  llliiinis  Magaz 
i)ic,  that  Ciiiima  of  l^riniiiar  I/ife) 

Our  literary  Magazine,  suriiaiuod  The  Illinois, 
Preserves  its  dignity  serene,  despite  the  rowdy  noise 
Wliieli  atlia-letes  and  journalists  may  lualce  upon 

the  Campus: 
With  pure  wliile  gems  and  aniadiisls  of  words  the 

ilag  doth  vamp  us. 


Lem  Phillips  is  the  Editor;  he  is  a  quizzic  clia]); 
For  tales  lie's  no  ciunpelitor :    I  sat  u|)on  ins  lap 
Some  two-score  years  or  more  ago,  and  as  u  little 

child 
I  listened  to  tlie  constant  flow  of  language  strange 

and  wild. 

«         »         *         * 

And  now,  in  acadenuc  sliade.  Lemuel  has  done  with 

lighting 
The  battles  of  the  roving  blade;  for  you  and  nu'  he's 

writing 
The  quiet  pages  of  his  Mag., — for  cultured  girls  and 

boys — • 
Our  literai-y  Magazine,  siirnamed  The  Illinois. 

— Phinias  Pigge. 


We  Object  to  the  Knicker  Girls 

Let  the  Modern  Woman,  iuidudiug  the  Modern 
Flapper,  be  as  Bolshevic  as  she  likes  in  all  thoughts 
and  most  acts;  let  her  snu^ke,  cuss,  vote  (of  course), 
play  horseshoe,  go  wading,  ride  bicycles,  roller- 
skate,  break  windows,  ring  doorbells,  read  the  Whiz- 
bang,  the  Siren,  and  the  Police  Gazette — let  her 
do  all  these,  and  more — but  in  the  name  of  Iilarth's 
scroll  of  fair  women — of  Semiramis,  Cleo,  Helen, 
Ko.saraond,  Nicolette,  Mrs.  Syddons,  and  Anne  I'en- 
n'ington — let  her  keep  to  her  sweet  and  decorative 
impractibility  in  the  matter  of  Clothes! 

And,  all  in  all,  we  thiidc  she  will. 


Live  and  Learn 


King  Solomon  and  King  David 

Led  merry  merry  lives ; 
As  lime  wore  on  tliey  wedded, 
A  many.  in:iiiy  wives. 
Rut   when  old  age  cre|>t  over  them, 
\\'ilh  many,  many  (pialms. 
King  Solomon  wrote  the  Proverbs, 
King  David  wrote  the  Psalms. 

— Found  in  deserted  MSS. 
S . . 


Futures 


The  extinct   Yohippus  remarked 

To  his  cousin  the  little  Ti-kee, 

"This  moorland  where  we  two  aie  ])arked. 

In  an  age  or  so  (Jreen  street  will  be  " 

His  cousin  Tikee  then  replied, 

"If  such  change  be  in  store  tor  this  land. 

It  is  time  that  I  lay  down  and  died  ; 

It's  a  life  that  1  never  could  stand." 

S • 


When  In  Rome 

A  gluttenous  youth  from   Xew  ^'ork. 
Used  to  sneak  out  o'  niglils  and  eat  pork. 
Rut  his  Father  said  "Ike, 
"When  such  goodies  you  like. 
You  aint  got  no  biz'  in  New  York."' 
■ S ■ — 

Mother,  have  Father  get  breakfast; 
I'm  NOT  to  be  (ineen  of  (he  May! 


[21] 


HREN 


Family  Tragedy  Sans  Paroles 

s 

The  Golden  Road 

HaiVmy  aivuy  on  a  road  of  gold 
In  a  ship  of  dazzling  white, 

Romance  is  lost  as  the  shadoics  fold 
Over  the  sunset  light . 

The  sea  is  culm,  the  ski/  is  clear. 

The  ship  is  a  silhouette 
Into  the  sun  to  disappear 

Before  the  sun  can  set. 

A  smile  of  love  in  a  happy  hour, 

A  wraith  of  lovely  mist; 
A  promise  made  in  a  faery  howcr 

At  a  lonely  gohlin's  tryst. 

A  promise  made  and  heaven  was  nca^ 
Broken  and  heaven  tvas  lost ; 

Happy  ski('S  are  grey  and  dread, 
Fair  trees  are  tempest-tossed. 

Romance  is  gone  on  that  ship  of  gold. 

Gold  in  the  sunset  light. 
The  hope  of  youth  is  grey  and  old, 
As  evening  turns  to  night. 

S 

Speaking  of  Romance — has  it  oc- 
cnred  to  yon  tliat,  tlumgli  tlie  n-ed  pipe 
ot  Pan  is  now  lieyed  and  bent  to  the 
cnotonr  of  a  saxophone,  and  thongh 
the  Castilian  troubadov  of  ohl.  with  liis 
guitar  amid  the  ivy  vines,  has  made 
way  for  the  motor  trnck  and  twelve- 
piece  orchestra,  and  thongh  Avalt)n  has 
long  lieen  de-located  and  sold  in  the 
mart  for  a  (piarter  per  copy — that 
disjiite  all  this  and  more-  the  moon  is 
still  large  and  yellow  through  the 
mists,  unclianged,   unceiisored? 


Wright  Street 

Wright  Street  andiles 

Like  a  sprightly  old  lady 

Past  the  sprightly  campus. 

Child  alive ! 

Can  you  blame  me 

If  I  turn  and  look 

At  the  bevy  of  cuties 

Who  pass? 

They  trip  silkily 

To  the  porch 

Of  their  beloved 

Sorority,  Where  wait 

Sundry  dazzling  youths 

With  cigarettes, 

And  low  collars. 

And  I  pass  on. 

Here  conies  Sam 

Raphaelson 

Howdy,  Sam! 

And  I  pass  on. 

Another  sorority ; 

Another  bevy 

Of  cuties. 

A  long  black  car 

Swoops  up  to  the 

"Horse  block" 

And  carts  away 

Its  quota 

Of  cuties,  to  a 

Conversational   Elysium 

Of  love,  mutual  friends, 

Dance  after  next, 

I'arfaits,  and  scandal. 

And  I  pass  on. 

More  door  plates. 

More  Greek  letters, 

Jlore  cuties — 
Then  the 

Y  AA'  C  A  — 

Two  committee  members 

Sit  on  the  steps 

\Vaiting  for 

Somebody. 

I  pass  on. 

The  Union! 

Soles  of  shoes 

Peeping  coyly 

Over  the  pordi  rail. 

Wreaths  of  smoke 

And  many  contidences. 

And  the  faint  tap 

Of  typewriters. 

(Dear  sir:    Build 

That  Stadium  for 

Fighting  lUini. 


The  Idle,  Idyllic  Idol 

When  morn  erupts  upon  tlie  Nile 
And  Sol  bestows  a  crooked  smile 
On  the  Pragmatic  Crocodile 
Who  eeleth  on  his  way. 
The  ibis  uttered  his  wail, 
And  then  the  melancholy  snail 
Zigzags  a  wierd  and  lonely  trail 
As  he  devours  his  prey. 


A.  lazy  idol  by  the  stream 
Engrossed  bad  verses  by  the  ream 
And  carelessly,  as  it  would  seem. 
Set  them  afloat. 

But  some  ship,  without  a  bridle, 
Hit  a  wave,  and  it  was  tidal — 
It  moistened  woefully  the  idyll 
That  the  idle  idol  wrote — A-'l25. 
S 


DID  YOU  EVER  FOLLOW  SOME- 
THING LIKE  THIS  ALL  THE  WAY 
TO  AN  EIGHT  O'CLOCK?  AND  DID 
IT  SPOIL  YOUR    DAY? 

S 

Have  you  a  pet  scheme  for  Re- 
forming the  World? 

Write  to  the  SIREN  about  it. 
If  it's  funny  enougli,  she  will  print 
it.  Slie  is  interested  in  your 
schemes. 


[22] 


Niair 


77i/.s'  pagr,  thix  month  iinnii/unitrd.  xhiiU  hi  rniniiKntly  dcvotid  to  trrsr,  liiiixril,  iiiodcnitil  1/  so/ilioiiiorir 
coniiiirnt  (HI  tuples  which  <-itii,  irilhout  undue  xtrex.s  ujiou  the  fauei/,  lie  xuhheaded  under  the  xeren  diix.  It 
ix  conducted  by  Olaf  Burge. 


Til  tlu'so  (lays  of  liti'i-ary  inrsdus  who  do  not 
write  and  (for  the  sake  of  tlie  i)ara(h)xl  writers 
who  are  not  literary  it  is  a  delight  to  hear  of  the 
sale  of  a  sliort  story  wliicli  liroiijiht  an  "A"  from 
Mr.  Weirick  in  Khetorie  7.  Tiie  interesting  yonng 
author  of  this  story  is  H.  I.  McEldowny,  "22  whose 
name  apjieared  on  the  eover  of  Adventure,  issne  of 
Oetoher  twelftli.  The  material  for  his  story — its 
name  is  Solomon — was  gleaned  |)artly  from  Mr. 
.McKldowney"s  exjierienees  in  the  southwest  and 
jiartly  from  Hi.story  51a,  under  Professor  Olmstead. 
Mr.  McEldowuey  spent  last  summer  in  the  West. 
Tliis.  eoui>led  with  another  history  course,  should 
soon  result  in  another  successful  story. 

*  *  *  * 

Something  that  we  like  doing  ou  Sundays,  is  to 
attend  four  o'clock  organ  concert.  There  is  nothing 
like  having  a  hearty  and  well-appointed  meal,  then 
smoking  an  hour  or  .so  in  a  not  too  positive  manner, 
and  finally  wandering  to  the  Auditorinm  for  an 
hour's  music.  Just  to  sink  down  in  a  semi-coma, 
and  let  strains  of  "Finlaudia".  or  whatever  it  may 
he,  drift  into  one's  being,  is  a  near  touch  of  that 
much  talked-of  suburb.  Paradise. 

»  »  »  e 

'Tother  evening  wliile  jawing  with  the  Herr 
Doktor  Hillebrand,  he  took  iis  all  in  a  heap  by  an- 
nouncing that,  iu  his  estimation,  Scaiiegrace  U.  J. 
Nathan  is  too  highbrow.  You  can  light  it  out.  I 
have  to  meet  a  bill. 

*  «  *  * 

"While  it  is  a  little  to  late  to  mention  enter- 
tainment for  jtrospective  victims,  our  apple-cheeked 
fraternity  men  may  them.selves  get  no  small  delec- 
tation from  "A  Song  of  India".  It  is  an  eminently 
res]iectable  dance  record,  played  by  Paul  C.  White- 
man's  Orchestra.  The  verso  is  taken  up  with  a 
Terpsichorean  version  of  "I'n  bel  di  veilremo"  from 
"Jladama  Rntterfly''.  (Traditionalists  may  be  glad 
to  know  that  no  less  person  than  an  lllinoix  man 
plays  the  saxaphone  in  both  i-ecordings.) 

*■::■»* 

The  bulk  of  that  large,  young,  recumi)aMt  beast 
called  the  Student  Body  consists  of  inert,  gray- 
miuded  individuals  who  spend  here  four  years  in  a 


contented  daze,  m.iking  their  •■(■"'  average  and  watch- 
ing other  peo|de  without  seeing  them.  The  remain- 
der of  the  Body  are  the  other  iieo[ile.  few  in  nuudier, 
who  take  it  n|ii)n  themselves  to  keej)  this  Little 
Elysium  in  motion.  The  least  that  the  Bulk  of  the 
Body  can  do  is  to  support  the  activities  of  the  Otiier 
People. 

All  tills  by  way  of  i-ecommencling  to  ytm,  (pres- 
ent company  excepted)  the  Illinois  Magazine — the 
^■arsity  of  the  \'erbal  Athletes. 

«  *  ■»  » 

Because  everybody  loves  an  athlete,  es]K'cially 
one  with  an  "I"  over  his  wishbone,  the  SIKION  has 
with  this  issue  inaugurated  a  column  of  unlearned, 
but  enthusiastic,  sport  dope.  Page  thirteen — for 
luck. 

Xo  harm,  surely,  can  accrue  to  anyone  con- 
cerned if  the  Siren  permit  herself  the  luxury  of  an 
occasional  recommendation.  It  is  a  matter  of  rec- 
ord that,  if  a  book  be  touted  either  for  good  or  for 
bad  to  five  thousand  assorted  souls,  some  small 
proportion  of  the  five  thousand  are  bound  to  read 
that  book.  The  proportion  varies,  I  am  told,  from 
.0023%  to  .1009%,  directly  with  the  authority  and 
reputation  of  the  recommendation. 

In  the  light  of  these  statistics,  we  make  bold 
to  direct  your  attention  to  a  fairly  "'old''  novel,  by 
one  Knut  Hamsun,  entitled  "Growth  of  the  Soil'". 
It  has  the  double  distinction  of  being  published  by 
Knopf  in  two  volumes.  The  binding  is  a  tasty  blue, 
on  which  is  superimposed  title  letters  of  China  red. 
It  will  look  well  in  your  shelves,  if  you  haven't 
too  many  yellow  books. 


Tile  other  day  we  were  jolted  out  of  our  usual 
class-room  coma  l)y  lieai-iiig  our  geology  lu-ofessor 
ciuotiiig  "Pinafore".  The  Welt.sclunerz  is  no  more, 
\ive  la  Mctorianismel 

S 


In  passing,  it  might  be  well  to  remaik  that  "you 
don't  want  lo  miss"  a  hea<ly  jiiece  of  writing  calhMl 
".Messer  Marco  Polo".  It  is  d(Uie  in  a  musical  Irish 
manner  by  bat  somewhat  I'iratic  Irishman,  l>oiiii 
Byrne. 


[23] 


HfiEN 

Dogmas 

By    I'lIINIAS    TlGGE 

GOOD  (things  I  like) 

People  wIki  never  sla])  others  on 
the  back.  Sitting  by  a  tire.  Roast 
goose.  Waffles.  Girls  with  gentle 
voices.  Admiration.  Talking  about 
the  war.  The  New  Republic.  Wei- 
rick's  classes.  Some  part  of  Green 
street.  Camels,  "^^'edding  invita- 
tions. Admiration.  Old  ladies. 
Bizarre  pyjamas.  English  ways 
of  spelling.  Hot  poetry.  Loud 
neckties.  Tlie  library  steps.  Pub- 
licity. W.  M.  Thackery's  stuff. 
Buck  Buchanan's  stories.  Nnjol 
advertisements.  Admiration.  Pri- 
vacy. Cook  books.  Cooks.  People 
who  know  how  to  laught,  but 
don't.    Wool  socks. 

BAD   (Things  I  do  not  like) 

Street  cars.  Some  cats.  Egyi)- 
tian  music  and  tobacco.  Picnics. 
Work.  Lightiung.  People  who 
cackle.  People  who  don't  like  the 
things  on  my  wall.  Canary  birds. 
Jlonday.  Sinclaire  Lewis.  City 
water.  Geraniums,  Sorority 
porches.  Sorority  jokes.  The  sta- 
tues in  the  English  semiary.  Shav- 
ing. Psychoanalysis.  Democracy. 
Aesthetic  dancing.  Surprises. 
Flies.  Dance  programs.  Intellec- 
tual poetry.  Being  laughed  at. 
Work. 

INDIFFERENT  (Things  I  don't 
care  about  one  way  or  another) 
People  I  don't  know.  Engineer- 
ing. Perfume.  Phi  Beta  Kappa. 
Amateur  musicales.  Snakes.  Danc- 
ing. Relativity.  Long  walks.  Oth- 
ers' opinions.  Sleep.  Earnest  peo- 
ple. Getting  liair-cuts.  Giraffes. 
I'olitics,  per  se.  Cajjc  Horn. 
Creased  pants.    Gravy. 

S 


"•liui  Bilkins  is  dead". 
"How  come?'' 

"He  stuck  liis  liead  into  the  Re<l 
Dog  saloon  and  hollered  FIRE".- 
"Well?" 
"They  did". 


How  pleasantly  and   wisely 

Is  the   Malted   made! 

How    luscious    its    Ingredients! 

Into  the  cup  go  syrups, 

and   into  the  cup  is  poured  milk. 

Sweet  things,   cold   things, 

things   rich   and   exceeding  tasty. 

The  cup  is  stirred  mightily, 

and   finally — 

upon   the   table 

before   the   revellers 

appears  a  most 

delectable 

drink. 


Drink   it   through   a    straw — so. 

It   lasts   longer. 

The   first  taste! 

Is   it   not   sweet? 

Does   it  not   make   you   eager 

(O   Reveller) 

for   the   second   taste? 

Now  it  Is  half  gone; 

thirst   Is  somewhat  quenched. 

(But    the    taste — the    taste! 

'Tis   not   merely  a   matter 

fo   rthe  thirst!) 

What  conversations, 

and   what  dreams   accrue, 

while   fitfully    downward 

sinks  the  surface 

of  this  delicious   Malted! 

Now   there    Is   a   scant    half    inch 

remaining.     (Slowly,    brother!     Slow!) 

Be  sure  and  get  it  all — all. 

Dont  leave  a   drop. 

Then — 

It  ends. 

With   an    extremely   unpleasant, 

impolite,  crass,  fluid, 

unseemly,  loud, 

hysterical 

GURGLE. 


That  Is  all, 

revellers. 

Go    pay   your   check. 

It's    raining    outside. 


Those  l-I-I 

Oh,  Mary  has  such  lovely  i-i-i — 
They  flash  and  rove  about; 
She's  young,  and  yet  she's  very 

y-y-y. 

I'ast  any  nun-tal   dou1)t. 

Her  eyes  they  rove  about  like 

b-b-b 
Tliey  make  me  all  a-tingle; 
Slie  can  subdue  nic  with  more 

e-e-e 
Than  I  can  write  a  jingle. 

a  -a-  *  « 

Tliose  eyes  on  nie  will  turn,  and 

t-t-t, 
Until  I'm  quite  insane; 
Alas!    I'll  go  beyond  the  c-c-c 
And  slie'll  start  in  again.— A.-'25. 


-S- 


The  Campus  Lexicon 

1'0t)T — Tlie  work  of  a  horn. 

The  play  of  a  tin  horn. 
FISH— Soniel)ody  not  brouglit  up 

in  your  county. 
TEP — The  principle  of  the  squir- 
rel cage. 
DEAN — The  scholastic  mortician. 
]S[iCE — The  other  half  of  lier  vo- 
cabulary. 
BREAKFAST  —  Something      to 
think  about  during  your  eight- 
o'clock. 
FOX — Something  to  trot  like. 
C^\MEL — Sometliing  to  walk  like. 
1)I{EAM — Sometliing  to  b>ok  like. 
FLUNK — Nothing  to  write  home 

about. 
CYNICISM— Growing   j.aius. 
FRIDAY— The   beginning   of   the 

end. 
SYSTEM,— A    way    of    arranging 

Honor,  Warner,  and  nerves. 
WORK — A   tradition   fostered   by 

the  College  of  Engineering. 
COW-BELLS  —  Device    to    deter- 
mine locus  of  cows  and  orchest- 
ras. 
DENTIST — The   collegiate  ottice- 
boy's-dead-grandmother. 


[24] 


JSOEN 


— + 


+—- 


KICKING! 


The  World's  Favorite  Sport! 

Athletes,   lllini   and   Mexican   alike,  would   rather  kick  than 

eat. 
So  would   we. 
We   kick   about   everything. 
You    yourself   probably    kick    now   and   then. 
Now — 

Let's  get  together  on  this  kicking  business. 
You   kick   in   with  a  dollar  and  a  quarter, 
And  we'll  kick  out  seven   issues  of 
Hundred   proof 
Concentrated 
Bombastic 


KICK! 


T 

\ 

' 

u 

^ 

f 

\ 

Ifl   . 

Make  all  checks  payable  to 

The  Siren  and  mail  to 

107  University  Hall,  Urbana,  111. 


There's  a  Kick  in  the 

JIKEN 


DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


I'lioui'  .Mjiii  .■)(;! 


219  West  Main   Street 
URBANA,  ILLINOIS 


■!• — 


[25] 


HREN 


Invite   inr,    to   your   houHc, 
lilcuse. — Elect  tic  Al 

iij  DON'T  have  to  lie  coax- 

I  ed",  says  Electric  Al. 
Just  ask  hiiii  to  the 
lionse  ami  i)ut  liim  to  work. 
He'll  make  yon  see  your 
workaday  problems  in  a  dif- 
ferent light.  Whatever  can 
be  done  electrically  should 
be  done  that  wav. 


lM;fJ«3ll4ibd:i|i 


CONSTRUCTION  CO;  INCr 


Ver>Hthinq 
electrical  J^ 


OPP.  INMAN  HOTEL. 

i>HDNE    EAR.  |ai3     ' 


Those  Cigar  Stand  Girls 

llniiied  traveler:  "l  want  some 
of  that  what-j-m-call-it,  it's  named 
after  a  man". 


Fair   feminine   clerk:     "Oh, 
yon  want  Paul  Mall?" 

S 


d< 


The  Theorist 

"The  proiier  rollint;  of  cigaret- 
tes," explained  the  Exjiert,  "is  to 
he  effected  only  througli  patient 
]>ractice.  I  will  show  you.  First 
you  fold  the  jtaper — so.  Then  you 
pour  in  the  proper  amount  of  Bull 
— so.  Then  twist  it  between  the 
thumbs  and  the  middle  fingers, 
taking  care  that  the  latei-al  edges 
are  parallel.  Then  lick  the  u|)per 
edge,  paste  it  to  the  lower — and 
there  you  are". 

So  saying,  the  Expert  drew  a 
Fatinia  from  his  case,  lighted  it, 
and  str(dled  a  wav. 


Pure 

Ice 

Cream 


TRY  OUR  BOSTONS 
They   Arc   Special 


Schulefs 

On  Main  Street 

CHAMPAIGN 


^III III 


The  SIKEN  wants  an  army  of  Contributors.  pillers,  crawfish,  bacteria,  bears,  bullocks,  or  bison? 

Po  you  draw  jiictures  of  Pretty  Girls?    Or  of  Or  of  anything  else?    Did  your  Folks  have  hopes  of 

Dissapated   Young  ;Men?    Or  of  Athletes,   winning  your  being  a  Second  (iibson? 

the  game  at  a  crucial  point?   Or  of  monkeys,  cater-  Get  in  touch  with  the  Siren.    She  is  interested. 


-1* 


WHITE  LINE  LAUNDRY  DEPOT-"|VIAIN  406" 


4*— ll.l~.|ln- 


[261 


You  will  admire  our 
workmanship  in  all 
lines  of 
Dyeing 

and 
Cleaning 

Garments    Called 

for  and 

Delivered 

Promptly 


Carpets  and   Rugs   Given 
Special  Attention 


PARIS  DYEING  & 
CLEANING  WKS. 

Call  Main  1744 


+- 


Epitaph 


It  beats  the  band  liow  folks  will  weep. 
When  you  lie  in  a  coffin  fast  asleep; 
Then   they   sing   of  your   goodness    in 

countless  ways, 
While   the   parson   preaches   and   tall<s 

and   prays. 
Ob   its  queer   bow   the   lads  will   eulo- 
gize. 
And  laud  you  up  to  the  vaulted  skies 
When   the  undertaker  has  called  your 

bluft 
And   squirted    you    full    of   embalming 

stuff. 
But  when  you  walk  on  earth,  I'll  vow 
You  were'  nothing  more  than  a  simple 

cow 
When  you  check  out  and  turn  up  your 

toes 
The  heartless  public  will  unwrinkle  its 

nose. 
Perhaps! 

s 

Tlu'  ('ii<>;ineers 
Take  Klietoric 
liccause  they  are 
Kind  liearted. 
For  as  the}'  say 
They  doiit  need  none 
^^'hen  once  they  j;et 
Well  started. 


I 

i 

I 


SIREN 


A  new  candy 

shoj)  ill  the 

iii'w  Iniildinir 


KENNEDY'  Q 
ANDIEO 


"lloilir  i)f  Sirrcl.f" 


We  make  our 

own  candies  in  onr 

own  shop. 


-+ 


+ . , . ,„ , , — „,_,._. , ,._„,_.,_,„_. „„_. 

SENIORS! 

Over  1000  of  you  to  be  photographed  for  the  ILLIO. 


UNTIL  NOVEMBER  FIRST 
TO  DO  THIS 

Don't  be  in  the  last  minute  rush.  Call  Main  1118  now 
for  appointment  which  will  assure  you  of  the  best  in 
photography  at  the  right  price. 

Official  Illio  Photographer 

MAGUIRE  STUDIO 


J.  E.  Magiiire 


220  W.  Main  Street 
URBANA 


P.  W.  Stephens 


[27] 


JIREN 


4.._„„_„._,„ „ . — ., .,_., — , — Ml—. ,» — ,_«_, — .._,_. — , — , „_._„„_.„_._.,_„_„ ^ .,_4. 

SEND  IT  TO  GORDON'S  FOR  CLEANING 

511   S.   Goodwin   Avenue  /\  1  >i  U      I    IV  tLOO  1  INI  Vj  4232— Main 


Nearly  Everybody  Reads 

The  Champaign  News-Gazette 


There  are  a  tew  more  than  10,500  homes  in  Champaign  County. 
More  than  9,200  of  these  homes  are  regular  paid  subscribers  to  The 
News-Gazette.  Tliat's  why  we  say  "Nearly  Everybody  reads  The 
Champaign   News-Gazette. 


— + 


+r 


+"■ 


Better  Printing  Will  Improve 
Your  House  Publication! 


We  urge  those  in  charge  of  Fraternity  and  Sorority 

House  Publications  to  call  and  inspect  samples 

of  House  organs  we  have  printed.    You  will 

find  our  work  to  be  of  a  superior  quality 

and    we    are    equipped    to    deliver 

either  one  of  the  popular  four 

page  folders  or  a  big  book 

like  the  Siren 


ILLINI  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

On  Green  Street  —  Champaign 


..,4. 


.4. 


+-« 


[28] 


A  Pretty  Prude 

Hv  (".  K.  X. 

Is  a  CDiuiiKiii  ]iai-;ulo.\.  She  is  a  ros('-|ilaiit  that 
lias  jiiveii  its  eiuM-fjy  to  jji-ow  flmriis  to  i>i-ick  tin- 
jiasserliy,  but  has  noiu'  to  i)i-otec-t  tlit'  flowt-r.  She 
thrives  iu  the  advei-sity  of  otiieis.  Init  witliers  at 
the  slijihtest   blow    to  lici-scH'. 

Tiiose  who  hick  beauty  many  c-oiiceivably  object 
to  the  enjoyment  of  it  by  otiiefs,  hut  in-ndisliness  in 
one  en(b)wetl  with  natni-al  pnlcliritnile  is  lii<e  soui- 
uess  in  fair  fruit.  Sniii  a  lady  carries  witli  lier  an 
exaj;gerated  self-esteem  which  strikes  back  upon  her- 
self if  it  be  once  broken,  and  may  take  her  far  in 
the  direction  wliich  sjie  professes  to  abhor.  Her 
holy  attitude  gets  her  little  sympathy  from  others 
and  little  help  for  herself.  It  rather  invites  attack 
than  shields  the  one  who  hears  it. 

A  pretty  prude  is  usually  deceived  in  her  choice 
of  company.  Her  desire  is  rather  propriety  than  in- 
tegrity ;  polish  than  honest  simplicity.  Carefnl  flat- 
terers and  snxooth  hypocrites  find  favor  while  daring 
sportsmen  are  coldly  shunned.  She  thinks  not  to 
dream  of  love,  but  to  marry  respectability. 


MBEM 


4. — ._— 


It's  your  Union  and 
your  Cafeteria 


ILLINOIS  UNION 
CAFETERIA 

Owned   and   operated   by  the 

Illinois     Union.      Service     to 

students  at  cost. 


In  the  rniou  Building 


1 

I 

I 


-+ 


I     ANNOUNCING  THE  OPENING 


The  Coffee  That  Made 
■•Sam"  Famon.s 


of  SAM'S 


Tea  Inn 


Light  lunches  will  he  served  at  the  Tea  Inn 
until  midniglit.  Our  service  is  especially  designed 
to  accomodate  ladies. 


Wholesome 


Clea  n 


Across  from  the 
(■hem  Huilding 


[29] 


JEOEIN 


It 


MORE  ATTRACTIVE 
THAN  FINE  PICTURES- 
ARE  OUR- 
MODERIN 
BATHROOM 
FIXTURES 


ISO 


BATHROOM 
FIXTURES 

— From — 
Apperson's  Little  Plumber 


The  Man  Who  Has  a  Past 

J 11  uldcn  (lays  obscured  in  haze 
Tiiat  hung  o'er  land  and  sea. 
The  stone  age  lass  saw  lovers  pass 
Jiitcj  eternity. 
The  nnird'rous  cliili  of  some  liig 

dnl) 
Would  crash  like  falling  mast. 
Klie  loved  him,  cause  she  tlioiiglit 

he  was 
A  man  who  had  a  past. 
'Tis  thus  today,  as  people  say, 
A^'llen  woman  sets  her  caj) 
To  capture  some  benighted    hum, 
AVhose  brains  can  barely  flaji. 
We  wonder  why,  and  then  we 

sigh, 
For"t  conies  to  us  at  last 
Tlie  reason  she  loves  him.  you 

see : 


L.  W.  Apperson 

Plumbing  and  Heating 

Phone  Main  906 
120   S.  Race   St.  URBANA 


I 

I 


j      The  poor  e^g-  has  a  past. 

1  s 

J  It's  all  right  aliout  tlie  functiun 

I  of  a  rubber  on  the  end  of  a  lead 
j  |ieiicil — but  why  not  be  the  kind 
of   man   who   can   use   a   fountain 


]>en  ; 


G.  W.  Lawrence 

Music  Store 

The  only  ])laee  you  have  a 
clioice  of  records,  Columbia, 
\'ictor,  or  Brunswick.  Col- 
undiia,  Brunswick  and  ^'ic- 
tor  phonograjihs. 


Come  in  and  let  us  demonstrate 
the  different   tones  for  you. 


We  also  have  a  large  line 

of  string   instruments  and 

Saxaphones. 


G.  W.  LAWRENCE 

I 

j  112  W.  Main  Street 

I  URBANA 

I 


"MIKE",  said  tlie  judge  sternly,  "the  testimony 
shows  that  yon  hit  tliis  man  twice." 

"I  did  not,  y'r  lionor,"  dechired  tlie  defendant 
stoutlv.    "The  fiir-st  time   I  hit  him   I   missed   him." 


1st.  Coed:    "I  kissed  Bob  last  night." 

2nd  Chicken:    "Is  that   right?" 

1st  Co-ed:    "No.  but  it"s  so." — Jester. 


Zona  Gale,  who  wrote  Miss  Lulu  Bet,  hdnored  the 
caniims  with  her  presence  last  week-end. 

We  did  not  have  the  pleasure  of  meeting  her.  We 
confess,  in  deed,  that  we  are  inclined  to  be  a  trifle 
non])lnssed  in  the  i)resence  of  that  iiersoiiage.  For 
we,  subjected  to  the  aiuilytical  eye  which  tore  into 
the  souls  of  the  Lulu  Belt  characters,  feel  that  our 
iiiiworlliiiiess   would    lie  mure   than    we  could   bear. 


*,l m im nil lin iiu uii m. iin m mi mi mi m mi iiu m. mi <in im im mi mi mi m mi in iiii im mi iiii mi m im iii mi mi mi mi im A 


S   Main   Street,  Champaign 


Phones:   Garfield  1121:   Main  1 


Smith  &  Picard 

Meats  Brought  from  the  Farm  to  You  Direct 


HOME  KILLED  MEATS,  POULTRY,  PORK 
AND  LARD 


WHOLESALE 


•CJmmpaign's  Cleanest  Markrl' 


RETAIL 


+_,i_. II, ._„ , . , _, , ._,„ „_m „ ,|_.|_„ ._„ „_| i„_i._, „_i._,._._i. 4. 


130] 


GREEN 
TEA  POT 


i 

I 

I 

a 

I 


Lunch 
11:30-1:30 


Dinner 

5:30-7:00 


Afternoon  Lunches 
3:00  to  5:00 

Sunday  Dinner 

12:30  to  2:00 

Evening,  5:30  to  7:00 

GREEN   STREET 
Main  3161 


+ — 


I 
1 
I 

I 

s 


Twin  City  Phonetics 

l?ill  stiu-k  liis  lieail  iiisiili-  tin- 
'lihiiiu>  booth.  Till'  "plioiK-  was  in 
list- — ^liefore  Bill  slint  the  tloor  Ik'- 
liiiid  liim  he  heard  a  brother  sav. 

••(luess  who  this  is". 

Tell  uiiuutes  later  the  gue.ssiiij; 
contest  was  still  on. 

'•('heck  out  of  here  I"  yelled  the 
e.\as]K'rated  Hill  to  the  couvei'sa- 
tioiial  servant.  "iSay  wliat  you 
have  to  say  and  hang  up.  1  can't 
wait  all  night". 

The    rei)tiliau    brother    obeyed, 
sulkily,  aud  went  his  ways.. 
Bill  enteretl  the  booth. 

"Main  4919.  Anno  Domini. "  he 
demanded.  After  the  ojierator  lu'.d 
the  company  lay  the  wires  be- 
tween the  two  connections — 

"Marie  there'?" 

"Hello  Marie?  ....  (lucss  icho 
//(/•s-  is!" 

And   so  on. — J.F.L. 


J]fi£N 

Dance 
Programs 


PARKER  FOUNTAIN 
PENS 

STATIONERY 

BULLETINS 

Our  work  has  a  quality  and 

distinctiveness  that  we  feel 

certain  will  appeal 

to  you 


GEO.  D.  LOUDEN 

PRINTING 

CO. 

n'aJiiut  St.,  Ctiainpaign 


4 .- 


WE  SUPPLY  ICE 
CREAM 


For  church  festivals,  fairs,  banquets  and 
other  large  gatherings  where  food  refresh- 
ments are  served.  We  guarantee  prompt 
deliveries  of  the  best  ice  cream  made  un- 
der strictest  sanltan.-  conditions  and  shall 
be  pleased  to  arrange  with  committes  and 
others  for  supplying  this  best  of  all 
refreshments  and  deserts. 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 


Bell  175 


115-117  E.  University 


Auto  2107 


.4.  4m- 

I  I 

I  I 

I  I 

1  1 


i    I 


I    I 


I  I 
1  f 
i    i 


I 
I 

s 

I 
I 

E 

I 
I 

3 

I 

i 

I 
+- 


cflliaa^ 


Cafeteria 

610  East  Green  St. 


Popular  Prices 


[31] 


HREN 

Eighteenth  Century  Love 

{THE  LAST  TIME  I  WAS  HOME— I  foniycd 
ill  the  (jarrit,  in  the  hojic  that  my  old  fixliiiif/hfxits 
might  come  to  tight.  The  hoots,  alas,  I  fi'ar  arc  goiir 
forever,  for  thr  l'i(j(j<  ruts  icrrr  ever  lorcrs  of  good 
Para  rubhcr;  get  the  search  iras  not  irHIioiit  jili'iis- 
iiiy  result,  for  in  a  yelloircd  and  rackety  old  lielloirs- 
valine  I  found  my  Great  (Irandame  Lorina-lietsey's 
copy  of  Welister's  Reader.  And  in  that  reader  I 
found  much  food  for  reflection,  I  haring  been  lately 
engrossed  in  some  romances  of  the  Cosmoiiolita ii 
School.  By  way  of  contrasting  with  "She  thrilled 
to  his  touch!"  and  other  Chamberisms,  I  ainteiid,  at 
ri.ik  of  boring  you,  a  few  quotations  from  this  guide 
to  Young  Ladies  of  Another  Day. — Phiuias  Pigge.) 


Modesty,  Doubt  and  Tender  Affection 

Agathock's  and  Calista 

Calista  was  young  and  beautiful,  endowed  with 
a  .ureat  sliare  of  wit  and  solid  sense.  Agatliocles, 
whose  age  very  little  exceeded  hers,  was  well  made, 
Inave  and  prudent.  He  iiad  the  good  fortune  to  be 
intro<lnced  to  Calista,  where  his  looks,  wandering 
indirt'erently  over  a  nnniero\is  circle,  soon  distin 
guished  and  fixed  upon  her. 

2.  But  recovering  from  the  short  ecstacy  oc- 
casioned by  the  first  sight,  lie  immediately  reproach- 
ed himself,  as  being  guilty  of  rudeness  to  the  rest 
of  the  com])any;  a  fault  which  he  had  endeavored 
to  correct,  liy  looking  round  on  other  oljjects.  Vain 
attempts!  They  were  attracted  by  a  powerful  cliariu, 
and  turned  again  towards  Cali.sta.  He  blushed  as 
well  as  she,  wliile  a  sweet  emotion,  till  then  unfelt, 
produced  a  kind  of  fluttering  in  his  heart,  and  con- 
fusion in  his  countenance. 

y.  Agatliocles  at  last  resolved  to  open  his  heart 
to  Calista;  But  he  did  not  do  it  in  tiie  affected 
language  of  a  romantic  passion.  "Lovely  Calista" 
said  lie  ingenuously,  "it  is  not  mere  esteem  that 
brings  me  to  you,  but  a  most  passionate  and  tender 
love.  I  feel  that  1  cannot  live  without  you :  can  you, 
without  violence  to  your  inclinations,  consent  to 
make  me  liap])y?  I  may  love  you  without  offence; 
'tis  a  tribute  due  to  your  merit:  but  may  I  flatter 
myself  with  the  hope  of  some  small  return? 

10 Nor  did  she  put  his  constancy 

to  a  tedious  trial:  tlie  hai>piness  for  wliich  lie  sighed 
was  no  longer  delayed  than  was  necessary  to  i)re- 
pare  the  ceremony. 


-S- 


'  Round  About 

Howard — "My  l)Ut  you  iiave  a  trim  little  waist  1" 
May — "Yes  there's  no  getting  around   that." 
—MICHIGAN  GARGOYLE. 


Give  Tone 
to  your  party 

by  serving  a  little  better 
kind  of  pastries,  cakes 
and  rolls.  We  make  up 
special  orders  of  all 
kinds  —  gingerbreads, 
doughnuts,  cakes  and 
almond  slices. 

Perfect  Bakery 


12  Main  St. 


Garfield  1383 


+■ — ' 


"Ask  Us  How 


yy 


SUMMERS 
ELECTRIC 
COMPANY 

31(5  N.  HicKouY 


Main  i.jtii 


Cham  pah;  X 


"Always   First    in    Things   Elect rical" 


[32] 


HREN 


Reciprocity 


His   ()\\-ii    'ittle    Wifii- — -ril    put   the   studs   iu 
your  shirt,  dear  .if  you'll  powder  my  back." — LOS 

'ax(jeli:s  ExrKEss. 

"Topics  of  thr  Day"  J'ilin.s. 
S 


WatcliOut! 

I'eree  took  out  his  Utile  wateli. 

lie  looked  it  iu  the  face. 

The  hauds.  he  tliouj;liI.  for  tlie  tiiue  of  day, 

■Were  iu  a  funny  place. 

The  second  hand  was  still  as  deatli. 
His  head  spun  like  a  top. 
••<>  gosh",  he  said,  in  one  long  breath. 
I'll  take  it  to  a  shop. 

The  jeweler,  with  his  one  good  eye. 
He  looke<l   the  ilarued   thing  o'er. 
Then  saiil  to  I'erce.  witli  smile  awry. 
"I  know  I'll  make  you  sore — 
But  my  advice  to  you.  my  son. 
A\'heu  this  fo(tl  thing  will  uo  more  run. 
Would  be  to  wind  the  sonofagnn — 
Three  berries  please". 

J.  L. 


The  Molluscoid 

( ).  Dorothy  I'vkoi-se:  Well.  dear,  and  liow  did 
the  Blind  Date  pan  out'/ 

.Mii'abelle  Coylish :  Fail-,  but  not  warmer.  He 
was  two  iiiclies  siiorlci-  than  I  .only  liad  tickets  for 
UiMilh-y.  said  lie  didn't  have  a  drag  witii  the  ( ".  II. 
doorkeeper,  ordered  a  Coke — first,  my  dear  I — at  tiie 
Idol,  oidy  spoke  to  live  people  during  the  evenuig, 
wore  black  lisle  socks,  .seemeil  to  think  the  music 
was  funny,  asked  me  if  I  had  a  date  for  ue.xt  Fri- 
day night,  and  .said  goodliye  out  on  the  walk. 

O.D.r. :  (iracious!  (Of  course,  she  didn't  say 
•gracious' I  He  couldn't  lia\e  been  more  tlian  a  -lun- 
iorl 

. ._,_._._._._.__._.__. .{. 

I 

Corona  Typewriters        | 

For  Rent  I 

I 

If  you  want  to  buy  a  machine  after  renting      | 

it  2  months,  rental  will  be  applied  on  the      | 

purchase  price  1 


+- 

I 


I 
I 

I 

I 
I 


R.  C.  White  &  Company 


612  E.  Green 


I 

Royal  Corona  Agency       [ 
! 


* — ._,__, ,_._._._. . . . , * 


We  Specialize 

In  Furnishings  for  Sororities  and  Fraternities 


When  you  make  your  purchase  of  Moorehead's 

you  are  assured  of  quality,  price 

and  service 


We  Solicit  Your  Charge  Account 

MOOREHEAD  FURNITURE  COMPANY 


Neil  and  University  IN  THE  BUSINESS  DISTRICT 


+  — — — • — ' — —— :  —  .—.  —  . . c_c 


Champaign 


— — ♦ 


[33] 


1IR£N 


A "MARY" ANTHOLOGY 

(Courtesy  of  "Topics  of  the  Day"  Films) 


Honey  Love 

Mary  luul  a  swarm  of  bees, 
She  loved  their  buzzing  lives; 

They,  too,  loveil  their  Mary,  'cause 
Their  Mary  had  tlie  hives. 

— Wasllin(/t()ll  Times. 

-::■        *        -A-        -A- 

Curtain  Time 

Mary  wore  two  silken  sox, 
Rolled  down  below  her  knee; 

Bi.     Miiry  once  had  chickenpox ; 
tVhicli  spoiled  the  scenery. 

— Cantcgir  Pupin't. 

*     *     *     * 

Sandwich  Isles 

Mary  had  a  little  land) 

Between  two  hunks  of  bread, 

The  S.P.C.A.  did  not  complain 
Because  the  lamb  was  dead. 
— YaudeviUr  Nc ws. 


She  Saw  "Topics" 

Mary  had  a  little  laugh. 
Which  sounded  like  a  giggle ; 
It  followed  her  most  everywhere 
And  kept  her  all  a-wiggle. 

— liutfjcrs. 


Oily  Scheme 

Mary  has  a  little  lamp. 

She  has  it  trained,  no  doubt  ; 

For  every  time  I  call  on  her 
The  little  lamp  goes  out. 

—Ohio  .S'H/i  Di<il. 
S 

"When  breezes  are  soft  and  skies 
are  fair 

I  steal   an   hotir  from  stvuly   and 
care" 

and  it  ends  .... 

"An   image  of  that   calm  life  ap- 
pears 

That  won  my  heart  in  my  greener 
years". 


Give  Us  That  Party  Order  . 
J  and  We'll  Give  J 


I 


You 


Quality  and 
Service 


I 


I  Remember—  [ 

I  "^^'e  make  it  right,  and    1 

I  deliver  it  On  Time".  1 


1 


f        BERRYMAN        i 
i  BAKERY  I 

!  213  South  Neil  \ 

!  On  the  Way  to  Town 

I 

4, — „„ — „ ._.„_.„_„_„ 4.   ■ 


"-+ 


Your  Money  is  Yours - 
After  It  is  Ours 


Even 


If  a  Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx  suit  or  Overcoat  does 
not  come  up  to  you  expectations  from  the  cloth 
right  up  to  the  collar,  come  back  forthe  purchase 
price. 


M.  Lowenstern  &  Sons 

Urbana 


[34] 


I 


STATIONERY 

For  Individuals  or 
Fraternities 

100  Sheets.  7x10  inches 
and  100  Envelopes  S^sxTi^ 
tin  good  bond  stock  for  f2.S0. 

Each  printed  form  not  to 
exceed  four  lines  of  2V2 
inches  in  length. 


+• 

+■■ 


PEASE  PRINT 
SHOP 

22  JIa:n  Street 
CHAMPAIGN 
. — . 4. 


Kodak  Finishing 
and  Picture 
Framing 

Film  left  before  9:00  is  ready 
at  5:30.  Prints  are  made  in  our 
own  shops  on  Velox.  We  supply 
you  ■with  fresh  film  for  your 
Kodak  and  a  memory  Book  for 
the  pictures. 


c 


Our  exceptionally  large  stock 
of  Mouldings  and  carved  stand 
frames  for  portraits  will  en- 
able you  to  frame  your  pictures 
artistically. 


Strauch  Photo-Craft 
House 

"The  Home  of  Good 
Kodak  Finishiiif/" 


Fulfillment 

He  was  whirling  through  fields 
i'Jv.sian.  tripiting  (alas!)  the  light 
fantastic.  A\'illi  tickled  toes  he 
pirouetted,  writhinj;  in  lieavens  of 
I  diss.  The  music  was  as  the 
laughter  of  the  gods.  The  floor 
was  like  a  beautiful  beach  of 
white  sand,  rippled  by  the  waves. 
A  thousand  lights  danced  in  the 
room,  making  it  an  incandescent 
palace  of  brightness.  They  glared 
with  the  constancy  and  uiirelcng- 
tingness  of  fixed  stars,  whose  light 
might  have  stopped  a  thousand 
years  ago. 

And  the  boy.  with  his  arm  en- 
circling a  goddess  of  supreme 
slimness.  knew  that  height  to 
which  the  soul  may  attain  but 
once.  He  must  .save  the  moment! 
ifust  keep  it  forever  and  ever,  to 
be  a  joy  unto  his  old  age  and  an 
heirloom  to  pass  to  his  children! 
This  goddess,  this  nymph,  might 
.share  with  him  a  moment  eternal- 
ized, drawn  out  into  years  and 
years!  The  rhythmic  swaying  of 
the  dance  was  intoxicating.  She 
must  feel  it  too !  He  must  speak ! 
But  wait,  she  was  addressing  him  : 

"Say,  yuh  poor  dumbell,  can't 
you  keep  on  your  own  feet?"' 
-S- 


.—.—.4. 


Movie  Waist 

Mary  had  a  little  waist. 

Where  nature  made  it  grow: 
But  everywhere  the  fashion  went. 
The  waist  was  sure  to  go. 

— Tc n )i e.isee  M ugirutnii. 

S 

Tlie  only  safe  way  to  travel  the 
"Straight  and  narrow  road",  is  to 
wear  blinders. 


HfiEN 

The  Height  of  Something 

Tlic  /ing  of  a  steel-coated   liullel 

As  it  passes  an  inch  from  your 
ear; 

The  crash  of  a  stone  on  the  jiave- 
ment 

That's  thrown  l)y  a   thug  in  your 
rear. 


The   growl   of   an    open-mouthed 
bull-dog'. 

The  roar  of  a  tiger  enraged ; 

The  whirr  of  a  rattlesnake's 
rattles ; 

The  snarl  of  a  lion  uncaged. 

The  tremor  that  preceeds  an 
earthquake; 

The  blood  on  a  wildman's  lance; 

Not  one  gives  the  awful  sensation 

Of  a  garter  that  l)reaks  at  a 
dance.^ — A.L.S. 


*■■ 
I 
I 
"I 
I 


YOU'LL   UlvE  IT 
at  the 

"Delicat" 

ON  THIRD  ST. 


Where  service  is  always 
!      clean  and  food  is  always 
wholesome  and 
appetizing 


OPEN 

UNTIL 
MIDNIGHT 


G.  A.  OSTRAND 
Prop. 


[35] 


Msm 


Pooh!    Fish!    Who  Cares? 

Three  young  meu,  well  lit  up,  were  traveling  up 
a  mountain  side  on  a  cable  car. 

••Whoops,  we're  goin'  to  Heaven."  hicced  one 
of  the  inebriates. 

"Young  man,  if  this  cable  breaks  you'll  change 
your  destination,"  rasped  the  disgusted  old  lady  in 
the  front  seat. — A.L.S. 

S 

The  pessimist  needs  cheering  up. 

The  optomist  expression, 

Each  lets  the  Siren  song  seduce 

His  cranium's  oppression. — A.L.S. 
S 


Full  Share 

Mrs.  O'Bi'ieu — ••My  hiisl)and  never  goes  onl 
looking  fo  rtrouble  like  yours." 

Mrs.  Murphy — •'!  suppose  he  gets  all  he  wants 
at  home." — Topics  of  the  Day"  Films. 


Such  a  Good  Boy 


Mrs.  Morgan — "And  so  your  boy  lias  been  taken 
off  to  a  reformatory  for  stealing. 

Mrs.  Jameson.    What  a  shame!" 

Mrs.  Jameson — "Yess  isn't  it  I  And  him  such 
a  good  boy  too.  Always  brought  everything  home 
to  his  mother."— LONDON  :MA1L. 


Aroma 

Professor  Omar  Khyani  in  the  old  and  ancient  days, 
An  astronomer  and  poet  of  most  fatalistic  ways, 
Wrote  a  book  the  Eubiyat 
About  wine  and  such  as  that. 
(Which  the  Orientals  didn't  know  was  untit  for 
our  days.) 

When   you   speak    of    Mr.    Omar  now,    you    do    not 

mean  his  verses, 
(He's  an  aromatic  object  for  Miss   Lucy  Page's 

curses) 
He  is  just  a  cigarette, 
Just  a  smoky,  glowing  jet. 
And  he  comes  in  paper  bindings  and  empties  out 

our  i)urses.  — A.L.S. 

DEE'S 

Home  Cooking  Just  Like  Mother's 

YOU'LL  LIIvE  IT 

One  block  west  of  campus 
on  Daniel  Street 

Meals  35c 

THAT   CANNOT  BE   DUPLICATED 

4>n — .> — ■■ — « — .. — II. — I. — .. — >• — II. — I- — ■" — I" — " — I" — «. — ■■ — ■■ — ■■ — 11+ 


The  MERLE 

THAT  slender  grace  in  footwear,  so 
pleasing   to  feminine   eyes,   is   the 
characteristic    of    this    dainty    pattern 
which   prompted   its   name,  the   Merle, 
after  the  pretty  blackbird  of  France. 
Patent  Leather 

SNYDER  &  SNYDER 

Bradley   Arcade 
312   Hickory   St. 


Novelties  for  Dances 


KNOWLTON  &  BENNETT 

URBANA 


SPECIALIZE 

in  new  and  distinctive  novelties 
for  fraternity  and  sorority  dances. 
When  planning  your  dance  con- 
sult us  for  suggestions. 


We  lead   in  every  line  we   carry 


We  Guarantee 

Hiiv    wliere    v(m    get    satisfaction 


.,+      +, 
[36] 


A  Gateway — Electrical 


ONLY  a  forty-foot  gateway  bounded 
by  two  brick  pilasters  and  orna- 
mental lamps,  but  it  is  unlike  any  other 
gateway  in  the  entire  world. 

For  back  of  it  is  the  General  Electric 
Company's  main  office  building,  accom- 
modating 2300  employees.  And  just 
next  door  is  its  main  laboratory  with  the 
best  equipment  for  testing,  standardiz- 
ing and  research  at  the  command  of  ca- 
pable engineers.  Then  down  the  street  a 
mile  long — are  other  buildings  where 
electrical  products  are  made  by  the 
thousands  of  electrical  workers  who 
daily  stream  through. 


Through  this  gate  messages  and  repre- 
sentatives from  a  score  of  other  factories 
and  over  fifty  branch  offices  come  and 
go  every  hour — an  endless  chain  of  co- 
ordinated activities  carrying  on  and  en- 
larging the  scope  of  over  a  quarter  cen- 
tury's  work  for  the  betterment  of 
mankind. 

What  a  story  this  gate  would  tell,  if  it 
could,  of  the  leaders  of  the  electrical  in- 
dustry and  of  ambassadors  from  other 
industries  and  institutions — and  from 
foreign  lands.  The  story  would  be  the 
history  of  electric  lighting,  electric 
transportation,  electrified  industrials 
and  electricity  in  the  home. 


General  Office 


Schenectady,  N.  Y. 

9S-*S0H 


^xuf  juumn 'fl(HM}er6^ 


''Service 


AFP 

2:n 

TKE 
0AX 

ATii 
AKE 


Fraternities  and  Sororities 

For  House  parties  and  Dances  we  give  special  prices 
which  will  save  you  money. 

Our  prices  are  down  to  normal. 

The  fraternities  and  sororities  here  named  and  doz- 
ens of  others  know  that  the  quality  and  freshness 
of  our  flowers  is  the  best,  without  a  doubt. 

SimpJy  phonf  us  that  you  want  flowers  sent 
to  your  mother  or  sweetheart  in  any  eity  in 
the  U.  S.  or  Canada,  and  tee  will  take  care  of 
the  rest. 

"We  are  members  of  the  Florists'  Telegraph 
Delivery" 


Main  Store 

112  North  Neil  Street 

M.  908     G. 1075 


WM.  JOS.  A\'ERSTLER  '19 
Mgr. 


University  Office 

Campus  Boot  Shop 

609  Green  Street 


exr 


JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 


Green  Room 
Loyalty  Clothes 


The  Most  Important 
Thing  About  Good 
Clothes 


Granted,  of  course,  that  they're  good,  the  first 
thing  that  the  young  man  asks  from  them  is 
Style.  And  it  is  Style  in  Good  Clothes  that 
you  get  every  day  in  the  week  from  our  Hart 
Schaffner  &  Marx  Suits  and  Overcoats. 


Central    Illinois'   Greatest  Store  for   Men 


CHAMPAIGN 


QUALITY  GROUP 


SltPHEN  F.  WHITMAN  &.  SON,  Inc.,  Philadelphia,  U.  S.  A. 

Sole  makers  o/  Whitman's  Inslantaneoui  Chocolale,  Cocoa  and  Marshmailow  Whip 


Whitman's  famous  candies  are  sold  by 


JJrhana 


Champaign 


Mouyios  Bros.  Schuler  Bros. 

University  Pliarmacy,  705  S.  Goodwin  Ave.       Arcade  Confectioneiy 
Urbana  Drug  Company,  111  W.  Main  St.  (J.  A.  Thornhill) 


Special 
Illinois 
Package 


SIREN 


Fiidci-  the  licadiiij;  "(ias  Over- 
comes <:iil  Mln\c  Taking  Bath", 
the  following  appears  in  a  local 

jiaper: 

"Miss  Cecelia  M.  -lones  owes  her 
life  to  the  watclifnlness  of  Joel 
Collev,  elevator  hoy,  and  Knfns 
Baucon,  janitor'". — (ihost. 


Vision 

It  was  early  morn,  tlie  swords  of  Sol  had  jnst 
stripped  away  night's  tarlatan.  In  the  distance  I 
conld  hear  the  babble  of  a  swelling  stream.  The 
early  warblers  had  begun  to  flute  their  first  notes 
in  praise  of  the  coming  day.  Then  first  I  saw  her, 
willowy,  clad  in  a  diaphanous  gown  swaying  in  the 
breeze.  She  seemed  to  be  searching  for  someone,  "Is 
it  I,  gossamer  of  my  dreams'",  Is  it  I  you  seek,  my 
soul  mate.  She  hears  she  turns;  she  sees  me,  and 
stretching  her  arms  towards  me  she  cried,  "Oh  Os- 
mosis, those  damn  kids  stole  the  milk  again". — A"2.T. 
S 

"Say  wlio  was  that  ugly  girl  I  saw  you  with'.' 

Angrily,  "That's  my  sistei"". 

"She  sure  can  dance". 


I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 


Under 

the  Chessing 
Spreadnut  Tree 
the  Villiage 
Smithy  Stands 

But  you  wouldn't  take  your  Fountain 

Pen  to  a  blacksmith  for  repairs 

Take  it  to  RIDER  at 

RIDER'S 
PEN 
SHOP 

HE'S  A  PEN  MAKER 
Just  North  of  the  Postoffice  on  Wright  St. 

"Rider  for  Pens" 


New  Caps 

Gelvin  lias  just  received  an- 
other large  shipment  of  the 
celebrated  Crofit  and  Knapp 
caps.  These  caps  are  all  made 
up  in  the  newest  materials  and 
latest  styles.  You  can  appreci- 
ate them  only  by  seeing  them. 

Gelvin's  Clothes  Shop 

Green  Street 


Your  Party  Will 

Be  a  Greater 

Success 

if  you  avail  yourself  of  the  ad- 
vantages this  store  is  offering 
you.  A  complete  stock  at  all 
times  of  favors,  balloons,  ser- 
pentine, ticklers,  decorations, 
and  party  requirements  of  ev- 
ery description. 


Knowlton  &  Bennett 

URBANA,  ILLINOIS 
"We   Lead    in    Every    Line    We    Carry" 


[2] 


SIREN 


BEN  HOWARD 

Howard's  Print 
Shop 

Makers  of  the  very 
Finest 

Printing 


120  N.  Walnut  Street.  Champaign 


t- 

I 

i 

I 


One  of  Life's  Mysteries 

A\'liy  do  tlu-y  cnll  uiclu'ls  and 
dimes  "Chickeu  Feed?" — licaupnt 
S 

Siiidc:  "You  can't  really  im- 
ajjiiie  what  distractions  there  are 
wliih'  studying;.  Dad.  Why,  only 
last  ni{;ht  three  different  fellows 
drojipcd  in  and  wanted  nie  lo  have 
a  little  drink  with  them". 

Dad  :  "I  hope  your  answer  was 
the  same  each  (ime,  son". 

Stude  (emphatically)  :  ''It  was". 
— Gargoyle. 

S ■ 

Friend :  "Don't  stand  his  non- 
sense. Bill.   Hit  "im" 

Prize  Fighter:  "Wot?  For  no 
ptirse  nor  gate  money?" 

— London  Opimon. 

S 

Fijiht  O'clock  (waking  room- 
mate) :    "It's  ten  to  eight". 

Koonimate  (sleepily)  :  "Wait 
till  the  odds  get  better.  Then 
place  it  all''. — Widotc. 


You  will  admire  our 
workmanship  in  all 
lines  of 
Dyeing 
and 


Cleaning 

Garments    Called 

for  and 

Delivered 

Promptly 


1 

I     Carpets  and   Rugs  Given 

z 

I 


Special  Attention 


I 


I  PARIS  DYEING  & 
1    CLEANING  WKS. 


I 
I 


Call  Main  1744 


i 


Flowers  by  Wire 

How  long  has  it  been  since  you  sent  flowers  by 
wire  ?  —  o/"  course  you  know  it  can  be  done ! 


How  about  Mother,  or  Sister,  or  'The  One  Girl"  who  is  in  some  far- 
off  city  or  town?  Surely  you  want  her  to  know  that  you  are  still 
thinking  of  her.    Well  then— phone 


Main  Store  — 112  North  Neil  Street;  Phones:  Main  908;  Garfield  1075 
University  office  —  Campus  Boot  Shop,  609  Green  Street 


[3] 


HREN 


I 


University 
Pharmacy 

Everything  that  a  good 

drug  store  should 

have 


READ! 


We  DeUver 


FRED   J.    FRISON 
Main  134  505  S.  Goodwin 

^._,. — ,_„ . 4, 


The  Flapiter :  —  "Oh,  mother, 
can  I  go  to  the  Masquerade  to- 
morrow as  a  milkmaid?" 

Mother: — "No,  child,  yon  are 
too  small". 

T.  F. : — "Then  can  1  go  as  a  con- 
densed milkmaid?" — Voo  Doo. 


-S- 


Stude: — "AVhat    has    Jim    done 
with  his  mnstache?" 

Stewd  : — "I  don't  know,    I  mus- 
tache him". — Widoir. 


With  the  Aid  of  Right 
Lighting ! 

Arithmetic,  grammar  and 
spelling  —  tough  propositions 
for  children.  Yet,  like  the 
help  of  an  older  mind,  right 
lighting  can  do  its  part  to 
make  them  easier.  Won't  you 
let  us  help  solve  your  lighting 
problem? 

CHANDLER 

ELECTRIC 

SHOP 

107   W.  Main  St. 


,„ „„ » ., ,. „ ., ,« n, .. u. „. ..-j, » >.. .., .11. ... ... » ... «. 


Apparel  and  Distinctive  Finery 
for  University  Women 


-* 

1 

I 

■ 

! 


McAllister  Stores 


\Miere  every  effort  is  niade  to  satisfy  the  apparel  wants 
of  the  University  girl.  The  maximum  of  Style,  Quality, 
and  Value  is  combined  to  insure  complete  satisfaction. 


Main  Street 
Urbana 


''The  Urbana  Store 
for  Women'' 


,,._._._,._„.._._„_.,_. — 


„_-_„_. — ,._„_.._.._. ._,._. — 4> 


[41 


Q 


3S  wipea  ouc 
in  cigarettes 


I 


You  carit  help  but  [ij^  them! 

7y,ey  are  DIFFERENT -T^ey  are  GOOD 


JIREN 


I 


'+         He: — "I  wish  I  were  a  stai-".         +— ,,.—,»i—.»— ...—.»— .1.—..— ..—»,— .,_™_, 

She: — "I     wish     you     were     a      ' 
comet ;    then    you'fi    only    come     1  Give  Us  That  Party  Order 


Your  Account 

Will  Be  Welcome 

At  This  Bank 


No  red  tape  and  no  charges  for 
opening  an  account  with  us 


First  State  Bank 

URBANA 


arouiid    once   every    h'OO   years". 
— Or<nt(/r  I'lil. 


and  We'll  Give 
You 

Quality  and 
Service 


1 

He: — "I    thinlc    there   is    some-  = 

tiling  (lovelilve  about  you".  § 

She  :— "Not  really"  j 

He:  —  "Sure.      You're     pigeon-  | 

toed". — Drcxcrd.  J 

He  : — "My,  hut  that  is  a  beauti-  I 

ful  arm  you  have".  1 

She: — "Yes,  I  got  that  ]ilaying  J 

basket-ball".  ! 

He: — "Do  you  ever   play   foot- 
ball?"—Too  Doo. 


Remember— 

"AVe  make  it  right,  and 
deliver  it  On  Time". 


BERRYMAN 
BAKERY 

213  South  Neil 
On  the  Way  to  Town 


There's  This  Satisfaction  About  It! 

When  you  open  one  of  our  bundles  and  inspect  the  garments  we 
have  cleaned — you'll  be  pleased.  Whether  it's  a  man's  suit  or  a  lady's 
waist,  each  piece  receives  expert  care  in  every  stage  of  the  handUng,  so 
that  there  can  be  only  one  result — good  work. 

Clean  Clothing  Means  Clothes  Economy 

College  people  know  of  the  excellent  work  we  do  in  removing  stains  and 
soils  and  in  keeping  apparel  in  good  wearable  and  presentable  appear- 
ance.  Do  you? 

It'  you  have  garments  laid  aside  in  the  closet,  send  them  to  us.    We 
can  clean  them  like  new  and  save  you  money 

Work  Called  for  and  Delivered 

The  American  Dry  Cleaning  Company 


I 
I 
1 

I 

.„+ 

-4. 

I 
I 


•h'fficiciil  0)11}  RcHablc" 


W.  CLARK 


217  W.  Main  St.    Phone  Main  3537,  Urbana,   Illinois 


('li'a)iiii(i.   Dijci)iy,  Prcsniwj 


I 
+- 


[6] 


JIREN 


Docs  "College  Life"  siriki-  yimr  liiiiiiy-lioiiL'  ;il 
times  ?  ■ 

How? 

I'ut  it  (111  ]iM|icr  :iiiil  scnil  it  li>  llie  Siren.  Willi 
voiii-  iiel|>,  till'  <'|(1  (iiil  will  he  alilc  In  say.  wilii 
Keriianl  Siiaw,  llial  "•1  am  an  i'.\|ieit  iiickcr  of  ineirs 
braiii.s,  and  I  liave  been  fortunate  in  tiie  clKiicc  nf 
my  friends." 

S 

A\'e  sore  feel  .sorry  for  the  poor  f;ny  that  j,'nt 
his  faee  all  cut  liy  liekinj;  tlie  pieces  at  a  boat  lanncli- 
iiig. 

S 

('iistomer:  How  do  yoii  sell  yonr  liiiibcrser 
cheese  ? 

Grocer:    I  often  wonder  too. 

S 

Did  ya  ever  notice  how  easy  it  was  to  f;et  nii 
early  in  the  morninj;  the  night  before. 

S 

Hickory  dickory  doc. 

The  patients  lined  up  for  a  block 

Sickness  of  all  descrii)tions 

Lined  up  for  prescriptions 

(1h  licker  me  licker  me  Doc. 


Kelly-Springfield  Tires 


"To  swear  is  neither  brave,  polite  nor 
v.ise,"  said  Pope.  Bui  it's  about  the  only 
consolation  left  to  the  man  who  has  bought 
cheap  tires  expecting  to  get   Kelly  mileage. 


Churchill,  Bengston  &  Miller 

115-117   North    Race   Street 
URBANA.  ILL. 


Originally  the  idea  of  Capt.X 
— Now  the  idea  of  all  who  are 
particular.  Forever  a  big  suc- 
cess. Round,  loosely  rolled 
with  a  free  and  easy  draught. 


PALL  mil 

FAMOUS   CIGARETTES 

[ounds 


^  /^    'plain  ends)    ^  /% 

20  in  ,■'--■"  50c 

tiul  pack:ige 


c^ 


ey  ay^uood  Utjte 


PALL  MALL  (REGULAR)  PLAIN  OR  CORK, 
IN   BOXES  CF   10,   50,    100  AS  USUAL. 


[7] 


SIREN 


^'iiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiii [imiiiiiiiiiaii iiiiinmiiiiiiiiioiiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiii a\i 


The  parrot  is  the  only  bird  which  is  noted  for  the  way  it  talks 
rather  than  for  what  it  says 


Dennison  Party 
Goods 


How  many  days  until  Christmas 

Dennison  goods  have  no  equal 

Dainty  Decorative  goods  are  made  for  every  pur- 
pose.   Let  us  make  your  party  favors. 


"Chuck"  Bailey 


606  E.  Green 


Shelby  Himes 


You  can  teach  a  parrot  to  say,  "Just  as  Good"  but  he  doesn't 
know  what  he's  talking  about 


-.iiiiiiiEiiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiii uiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiin iiiiiitiniiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiEiiiiiiiiiii imiiieiimiiiiiiiiidi igiiiiiiiiiiiiEiiiii lEiiiiiiiiiiMiniiiiiiiiiiiiEi tiiiiMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiT! 

[8] 


To  you,  good  friends,  who  have  gone 
before  us  and  are  now  returning  for  a 
space;  who  know  better  than  we  why 
the  arbored  walk  on  Daniel  Street  goes 
by  the  name  of  Lovers'  Lane;  who  have 
felt  the  old  martial  thrill  of  Football 
Saturdays;  you  who  have  made  and 
smoothed  all  the  little  paths  we  follow 
now  — to  you,  good  friends,  we  give 
greeting.  We  are  very  glad  you  have 
come. 


[9] 


T.  P.'uucKLAXD,  Editor;  George  B.  Switzek,  Art  Editor;  Morgan  L.  Fitch,  Business  Manager;  J.  A.  Nuckolls, 
G.  V.  Buchanan,  Jr.,  Contributing  Editor;  Jack  Tuttle,  Advertising  Mgr.;  R.  J.  Werer,  Foreign  Adv.  Mgr.;  R.  H. 
Exchange  Editor;   Hoken  Hoie.   CUmtri'buting  Artist.  Ferguson,  Circtilation  Mgr.;  R.  R.  Fowler,  Asst.  Bus.  Mgr. 


Editorial  Statf 

A.  L.  Straus  L.  M.  Stobmont 

Agnes  Vrooman  P.  B.  Bass 

0.  D.  Bltrge  Leonard  Hunt 

Chase  Juuah  Cuas.  E.  Noyes 


Business  Staff 

G.  E.  Darling 
R.  E.  Den/.el 
C.  R.  Defenbaugh 
Burt  Hltjo 
J.  A.  Taylor 
Hugh  Fechtman 
Helen  Moore 
Bruce  Cowan 


Fl-OYI)  Mochon 
J.  A.  O'Brien 

J.   B.  O'DONNELL 

W.    C.    RUNKLE 

S.  W.  Rydemski 
T.  L.  Shuktelle 
Mary  Hopkins 
J.  O.  Keth 


Art  Staff 

G.  V.  Buchanan  Shannon  Meriwether 
Beatrice  Adams    Dorothy  Schulze 
Martin  Topper      Helen  Hottinger 
C.  W.  Baughman  Constance  Freeman 
M.  R.  Marx  Elizabeth  Boggs 

J.   J.  Brekee 


3 


Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year.  Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the 
postoffice  at  Urbana,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879.  Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price,  $1.50  the 
year  local,  $1.75  by  mail.    Address  all  communications  to   106  University    Hall,  Urbana,  Illinois. 


HOilE  i.s  a  \v(ii(l  of  deep  sigiiiticaiue.  It  denotes 
that  state  of  beiuy  where  our  s]iii-itual  hat 
has  liiuig  for  a  long  time,  more,  perhaps,  than  it 
signifies  any  definite  phice.  A  homecoming,  then, 
is  as  niiuli  a  return  to  a  well-remeinhered  state  of 
mind  as  it  is  a  jonrnej',  via  train,  to  such  a  place 
as  Urbana,  Illinois. 

Put  yourselves,  good  old  friends,  into  the  sopho- 
moric  way  of  thinking  this  weekend,  that  you  may 
better  through  an  observation  of  our  idiocies  and 
virtues,  recollect  and  revamp  your  own.  We  do  not 
demand  dignity  from  you;  we  do  not  even  insist 
that  you  be  a  good  example  to  us. 

We  want  you  to  have  one  deuce  of  a  good  time. 
*  *  *  * 

In  passing,  it  might  be  said  that  nmcli  pomp 
and  pageantry  is  lieing  .set  afoot  by  w^luit  seems 
to  be  resourceful   .iiid   clficient  leadership.     I'aities 


tliere  are,  and  parades;  speeches  and  junketings.  All 
as  it  should  be— so  be  it  that  you,  take  it  all  in  with 
tlie  old  undergraduate  zest.    Be  atavistic! 

S_ 


in    iiou-reading    conmiunlties.    the    writ  lug    of 
editorials  is  diverting  and   harmless. 


-S- 


Recent  talks,  given  by  students  on  the  subject 
of  limitation  of  armaments,  give  one  the  comfortable 
feeling  that  the  spark  of  nndei'graduate  initiative 
still  burns. 

S 

The  return  of  T.N.E.,  feared — perhaps  feared 
is  not  the  precise  word,  by  Dean  Olark,  is  remenis- 
cent  of  an  ei)igrani  sin-ung  recently  by  a  ])rominent 
fJreek-letter  gent:  "The  only  real  secret  of  organiza- 
tions is  that  thev  have  no  secrets''. 


[10] 


HREM 


THE  DAILY  1  I.I.I  XI  is  aiMHiiiiiij;  what  Doc. 
AiiKilil  used  jestingly  to  term  High  Serious- 
ness .  It  is  Id  be  tlioiiglit  that  the  revered  stall'  is 
having  ;f  lot  of  fun  doing  it — else  why  do  it  ?  J}egin- 
niug  the  year  witii  jeremiads  on  illegal  Seniorbeiu-li- 
ingand  the  institution  of  the  Xinetyiiine  Year  Date, 
it  has  rapidly  enlarged  its  cii-cle  of  disopproval  until 
it  recently  threatened  tiie  ivy  crowned  ramparts  of 
the  Illinois  T^nion  itself. 

The  Siren  is,  avoweilly.  a  magazine  of  the 
humorous  ilk,  hut  she  hows  lier  head  in  humhli' 
asseut  to  the  fact  that  an  adequate  handling  of  the 
recent  Union  Constitution  Bicker  is  beyond  her 
powers  of  jest. 

Thus  endeth  our  monthly  jibe  at  the  publicists. 

S 


NATIONAL  prohibition  has  brought  in  its  wake 
certain  probleuis  of  manners  and  morals 
which,  in  sweeping  the  nation,  have  not  entirely 
passed  by  our  nation's  universities.  Our  share  of 
the  problem — not,  fortunately,  a  heavy  share, — must 
be  faced  squarely  and  solved.  Whether  the  solution 
come  from  the  student  body  or  the  Counsel  of  Ad- 
ministration is  for  the  student  body  to  decide.  Ver- 
bum  sap. 


When  the  final  examinations  are  upon  us,  we 
will  find  ourselves  meekly  abiding  a  new  rule.  No 
more  will  we  step  outside  the  Fragenzimmer  for 
fresh  air,  contemplation,  and  rest.  The  Honor  Com- 
mission— O  wise  judge  I  O  excellent  young  man  I — 
will  have  us  at  our  muttons  until  they  are  gnawed 
to  the  very  shanks.  Ours  not  to  reason  why. 

Putting  salt  on  Honor's  tail,  as  it  were. 
S 

The  SIREN  is  indebted  to  Dr.  AVeirick  and  his 
class  in  the  Khetoric  Six  course  for  numei-ons  pointed 
l)aragraphs  which  are  scattered  ovei-  this  issue. 


FKO.M  WlSCUXSl.X  came,  the  other  day,  an  old 
friend — Paul  Leach  it  was,  formerly  of  this 
university — who  is  on  the  statf  of  Wisconsin's  hum. 
mag.,  the  Octopus.  He  bore  tidings  wiiich  would  dis- 
gruntle any  local  editor.  Xt  ^^■iscousin,  said  Paul, 
three  thousand  copies  of  the  Octopus  are  sold  each 
time  of  publication.  He  added  that  "everybody,  on 
publication  day,  gambolled  about  with  a  copy  of  tlu; 
Oct.  under  his  arm". 

The  Octopus  is  a  most  excellent  magazine.  We 
get  it  and  read  it  with  gusto  every  month.  Compari- 
sons are  odious.  Particularly  odious,  in  this  case, 
is  comparison  of  circulation. 

AYisconsiu  backs  the  Octopus,  and  regards  it 
as  an  interesting  expression  of  her  waj's. 

Illinois — meaning  seventy  three  hundred  out  of 
eight  thousand  of  you,  old  top  I — is  at  present  back- 
ing the  Siren  about  as  heavily  as  she  backs  the 
Atlantic  Monthly. 

A  simple  reform  would  be  this :  that  every  stu- 
dent who  reads  the  Siren,  read  in  the  futui-e  from 
his  own  copy. 


iJeruard  Shaw  says  that  the  educated  man  is 
a  greater  nuisance  than  the  uneducated  one.  For 
once  we  are  the  ardent  believers  in  Shavianism. 
How  well  he  expresses  our  fireside  .sentiments  when 
he  speaks  of  the  harndess  joys  of  drifting  down  the 
midstream  of  mere  ignorance. 

S 

Just  now  we  are  immersed  in  John  Dos  Passos' 
"Three  Soldier.s".  From  our  more  or  less  junior 
point  of  view  it  is  a  magnificaut  piece  of  modern 
realism.  Someone  has  called  it  the  "Main  Street" 
of  the  A.  E.  F.,  and  they  are  prettj-  nearly  right. 
There  is  one  grandly  horrible  scene  wherein  a  private 
kills  an  officer  by  tossing  him  a  few  hand  grenades 
in  a  playful  moment.  The  wrapjier  is  yellow  bnl  that 
does  not  mean  anything. 

S 

Some  stay  in  college  1o  study:  ollicrs  study  to 
sfav  in   colle"!'. 


Ill] 


HREN 


The  Arcade  Philosophers 


Since  Iowa  and  Wisconsin  l)cat  ns  we  have 
noted  little  betting  on  tlie  football  games.  It  cer- 
tainly is  praiseworthy  tlial  everyone  at  last  realizes 
the  immorality  ot  gambling. 

*  *  *  -X- 

Echols.  candidate  for  Jnnior  class  president, 
declared  himself  opposed  to  that  organization  that 
has  taken  the  place  of  T.  N.  E.  The  election  prob- 
ably strengthened  his  suspicions  in  regard  to  that 
organizations  potentialaties  for  evil. 
»  «  «  « 

Last  month  a  few  people  voted  for  a  new  con- 
stitntion  of  some  kind,  for  something  or  other.  Since 
no  embroj'o  politician  was  interested  enough  to  pull 
us  in  Mozi's  or  the  Arcade  and  explain  the  matter, 
we  must  refer  you  to  The  Illini,  or  Womans  League 
for  further  information. 

We  did  gather  however,  in  regard  to  the  above 
constitution,  that  the  women  were  clamoring  to  be 
allowed  to  vote  for  more  officials.  It  looks  like  they 
get  enough  drinks  now,  but  maybe  they  are  trying 
to  give  the  cellar  sisters  a  chance. 
«  *  *  * 

Speaking  of  the  cellar  sisters  they  might  find 
the  customs  of  the  Arabians  worth  studying.  The 
wise  Arab  father  insists  all  his  elder  daughters  be 
married  before  the  younger  daughters  are  allowed 
to  display  their  charms  in  the  date  market.  Come 
to  think  of  it  we  did  see  a  copy  of  The  Arabian 
Nights  at  the  Alpha  Xi  Delta  house. 

*  *  *  * 

According  to  the  paternal  Fuzzie  La  Fuze,  deal- 
ing in  futures  in  dates  is  about  on  par  with  a 
gambler  dealing  in  futures  in  grains. 

*  #  *  -"- 

We  can  suggest  three  alternatives  to  getting 
dates  a  couple  of  months  aluMid:  join  the  cellar 
gang,  get  engaged,  get  married.  The  last  two  are 
not  a  sure  cure  however. 


When  a   Scotchman  invites  you  to  inspect  his 
cellar,  he  merely  wants  to  show  you  his  new  furnace. 

S 

If  ignorance  were  bliss,  the  problem  of  human 
happiness  would  have  been  solved  long  ago. 

S 

The  sugar,  not  the  flour,  is  what  makes  muffins 
palatable. 


Lies  in  Woman's  Eyes 

Sonia  :  Did  you  go  out  for  the 
operetta  cast? 

Olga:    No. 

(And  that's  how  the  rumor 
started — that  Olga  cribbed  her 
exams,  broke  her  dates,  lied  to 
her  house — mother,  and  generally 
vi(dated  the  dictum  that  Beauty 
is  truth,  etc.) 


[12] 


HREN 


Homecoming — Past  and  Present 


Old  Stuff 


Kiiij^  Kirli;ii(l,  iilist^iit  minded  ;iss, 
]'\)ig()t  to  till  his  car  with  gas. 
Ill'  therefor  shouted,  uutil  hoaise, 
"A  horse,  inv  kiii<rfloin  for  a  liorsel" 


To  a  Felicitous  Feline 

—Milady's  Cat 

^liiiiiie  Matilda  Meow, 

Fortunate  Feline  art  tlion, 

As  you  basic  in  the  suns"  bright  ray. 

Xo  wori'ies  or  cares 

WU]  whiten  your  hairs. 

No  (lioniiht  of  tomorrow  dull  iovs  of  lodav. 


A  saucer  of  milk 

From  a  Mistress  in  silk 

( >r  a  joint  from  the  garbage  man's  ]iail. 

('ailed  "Kitty"  or  "Cat", 

What  odds  be  that! 

■^'oui-  days  are  free  from  travail. 

L()\i'  comes  to  thee 

I'nbidden  and  free. 

And  lea\es  in  your  heart   no  Ihoin. 

Vour  sweetest   desire 

Is  to  lie  by  the  fire, 

ITa]ii)y.  because  you  are  warm. 


[13] 


Lem    riiiliiiis. 


SIREN 


Isn't  Youth  Wonderful? 


ji 


Go  away,  graybeard,  and  let  us  dance!  Lord  Pan  is  tootling  his  tenor  saxophone,  the  floor  Is  pol- 
ished reflecting  the  lights,  and  the  lights  are  burning  roses.  What  need  have  we  of  your  precepts?  Why 
should   we   hear  your  dead   experiences? 

We  are  wasting  our  time,  you  say?  We  are  shirking  our  duties?  What  would  you  have  us  do?  The 
work  of  the  world,  you  say!  You'd  have  us  go  into  your  great  sawdust  arena,  we  who  are  trying  to 
be  happy,  we  who  are  dancing — there  to  mop  up  the  spilled  blood,  there  to  patch  up  the  rusted  mech- 
anisms.    You'd    have    us   comfort  the    hearts   that   you   have   broken,  replant  the  forests  you  have  wasted, 

balance  the  accounts  you  have  addled  and  juggled,  and obey   the   laws   you    have    made.    This   Is 

what  you  would  end  our  dancing  for. 

We  are  shallow  pates,  you  say?  How  otherwise,  when  your  wars  and  your  machines  and  your  phil- 
osophies have  tortured  our  brains  away  from  the  deep  and  placid  channels  that  your  fathers  knew? 
Where  you  sang  "Nellie  Gray",  sing  we  chansons  of  sweet  babies,  sweet  daddies,  and  ever-lovin'  mam- 
mies. Where  your  spinets  tinkled,  brays  now  the  saxophone.  Where  you  ogled,  we  embrace.  You  were 
Victorian;   we  are   Lesbian  ....  you  have  said,  graybeard. 

It  is  useless  to  protest.  Music  is  playing,  and  we  will  dance.  As  we  have  danced  out  of  the  past, 
so  will  we  dance  into  the  future,  and  there,  graybeard,  you  will  quit  us,  sorrowfully  and  with  appre- 
hension. You  will  see  that  we  are  stunted  and  ugly,  nervous  and  belligerent,  foolish  and  sensuous. 
Then  you  will  quit  us  and  go  to  heaven,  where,  if  it  be  permitted,  you  will  continue  to  worry  about  us 
—  —  just  as  your  father  is  worrying   about  you,  and  his  grandsire  about  him.    And  the  world  will  go  on. 

I,  who  write  these  paragraphs,  sit  drinking  tea  and  reading  Horace  and  laughing  at  myself,  in  a 
quiet,    old-fashioned    room. 

[14] 


JIREN 


Lights  Out 

"V<i\i     wdiililii't     call  I'm-     lu'l|i. 

woiilil  yon,  if  I   Iricil  in  kiss  ydii?" 
"I  ><i  vdU  lU'i'il  aiiv  ?■' 

— Sun  J)i)(l(/<r. 


A   hiishand    is   nioroly  a   sweet- 
heart with  tlie  nerve  kiMeil. 

— ()rinii/c  I'll  I. 
S 


A  Revelation  of  Rot 


Tliis,  1  regret  to  say,  is  Tlie  av- 
erage— the  very  average — girl's 
ilale  Ideal.  It  is  a  heartening 
tlioiiglit,  however,  that  if  by  some 
neciDniancv  this  Ideal  could  as- 
sume living  form  hd'orc  the  liicil- 
izci-.  he  would  lose  his  stand-in. 

Preserver   of   my    modesty, 
Saver   of   sleep   and    time, 
Comfort's   boon   companion, 
Thank   Heaven  you  are   mine. 

A   caller  while    I'm   dressing, 
A  phone  call  when  that's  thru, 
Oh    inartistic   bathrobe, 
A   Saint   invented   you. 


from  tlie 
Boticyard 

Antfiology. 


Bubbling  upward  from 

The  oozy  depths. 

These  words  are  uttered  : 

Etrusca  Steffeus,  I ; 

When  I  was  young.  JIa-mah 

Said  girls  were  justilied 

(Since  war  between  the  sexes 

is  eternal)   in  getting  away. 

as  the  saying  goes, 

with  what  they  could. 

So  I,  a  sophomore  in  this  |tlace, 

grabbed  otf  four,  or  more, 

simultaneous  frat-pins — 

and  told  about  it. 

I  was  rushed,  a  bit  late. 

by  six  sororities. 

I  told  about  that.  loo. 

I  broke  live  fairish  dates 

]'\ir  five  better  ones — 

And  told. 

Then  peoide  began  telling 

Horrid  fibs  about 

Me 

What  could  you  expect?    So — 
This  Bonevard  got  me. 


Bunk ! 

lie — I'm  half  indiiieil  to  kiss 
you. 

She — How  slnidd  of  me,  1 
I  bought  you  were  merely  round 
shouldered. — E.r. 

S 

Hei'es  to  Alta   (Jwyn  Sauntlers, 
M'lio  fusses  and  ponders, 
o'ei'  rlietoric  letters  each  day 
If  yon  say  as  i)er  your 
Your  Orade  will  be  ])oor. 
Shes'  terribly  funny  that   way. 
S 


The  .Melancholy  day  are  here, 
i  can  feel  it  in  my  liones. 
For  no  longer  do  the  men  of 

<rreece 
Seek  to  peddle  ice  cream  cones. 
S 


This  is  the  little  lady  you  see  in 
the  sho])  windows  of  our  local 
photographers.  Her  face  has  been 
called  fair  by  her  married  sister, 
maiden  aunt,  a  drummer  from 
Akron,  two  sophomores,  and  a 
blind  viidinist.  So  she  expresses 
herself  to  a  gladdened  world  in 
]iictui-es,  bidding  many  such  mys- 
tic ]ioses  as  are  pictured  above. 
The  goldfish  signify,  "liallled". 

S 


He — "You  <1i(ln't  know  who  I 
was  at  the  game  yesterday,  did 
you  ?" 

She — "No,  who  were  youT' 

—  fAird  Jrff. 


115 


The  Marchers  Below 

Armistice  Day,  1921 

As' I  si  I  (I  I  III  J/  ill  sk  ill  (I  III  list  If  iild  itfficr, 
Clivi-kiiKj  tlir  t-yrdiis  of  Siiiilli   and  ■liihii  Dae, 


To  my  ear  comes  the  eliiilc  of  accuuterments  swiug- 
Anil  mairliing  feet  stei)i)iiig  tive  stories  below. 

Militia  ])ei-lia])S,  going  out  for  iiiaiieuvers ; 
I'm  too  busy  far,  to  go  watch  them  you  know, 
But  the  while  I  am  checking  the  debits  and  credits 
My  brogans  keep  time  with  those  marching  below. 

The  mouth  of  my  iuk-well,  it  yawns  like  a  Bertha, 
The  bang  of  a  door  makes  me  duck  for  a  "go" — 
And  I  think  of  another  slim  column  of  marchers 
That  stepped  to  the  cadence  of  those  down  below. 

A  phantom  brigade  swings  in  line  with  my  vision  ; 
Over  my  blotter  they  silently  go. 
With  eyes  to  the  front  and  masks  at  the  "ready", 
Tliev  swing  into  time  with  the  marchers  below. 

\ 
In  the  midst  of  them  all,  with  heart  overflowing 
I  am  marching  again  as  I  did  long  ago. 
"Slope,  Arms  I"  There's  a  snap  in  the  ijuick  execution 
Thai's  one-two-three-four  willi  the  rhythm  lielow. 

H(i</h-0,  here's  the  hoss!  Come  out  of  this  dreaming; 
Credit  one  to  John  t^mith,  drhit  two  to  Jeihii  Doe. 
But  the  strokes  of  mi/  jieii  arc  rj/thinetie  precision 
In  time  irith  the  step  of  the  feet  doirn  hcloir. 

— G.  V.  B. 


4 
I 


4 

0 


r 

4 


-'■'•'Wii 


•" -^.v--^-.  ^•■^>--.^.'.•:'-    .iw^■V.^^..^. 


■ittMk^y£Ate 


SIREN 


"■oil.  I'oi- llu' ijood  old  djize".  sai<l      Mosciuitos     mic     iiiiiiorlaui      d'cii- 
llic  li:iir  l);ick  iis  the  Wiitt'r  K])liisli- 
i'(l  in  Ills  face. 

S 


Modern  Scientific  Marvels  II. 

Tlic  <i.  I"\  Comiiass 
Tliis  device,  attaelied  to  any 
spliei-ieal  liveaklast  uraiiefriiit. 
will  protect  the  eves  of  the  eater 
liy  iiidicatiiij;  at  all  times  the  di- 
rection in  which  the  lar^e  citrar- 
iaii  will  iie.\l  siiuirt. 

— « 

"I'ercy     proposed     to    nie    last 
)ii<;ht",  she  cooed  to  father. 

'■^Vell.  what   did  you  say?" 

•vl  told  him  to  see  yon''. 

"See    me?     H — 1    1    don't    want 
to  marry  him"'. 

y — . 

lie — ••^\'hen     is    a     kiss    not    a 
kiss?" 

She— -'When?" 

He — "When    it's    Heaven",     (as 
he  helped  hinhself ). 

S 

"If    1    only    new    a    man    who 
wonld  stand  on  his  own  two  feet", 
she  moaned  after  the  dance. 
S 

Him:   The  dance  tonight? 

Her:   I'd  love  to,  lint  my  trnnks 
haven't  arrived  yet. 

(  Him  fainted). 

AVlien   the  moon   is  yonnu  does 
the  skyrocket? 

She  sat  on  tiie  steps  at  eveninj;. 

Enjoying  the  snmmc!'  air 

I  asked  her  might  1  sit  by  her 

side 
But  she  gave  uie  the  vacant  .stare. 
S 

"Ah.  tis  the  end",  said  the  Idind 
man  as  he  felt  the  e]c]iliants  tail. 


1  »ead  dogs  bnry  no  bones. 

S 

Said  the  venzeulian  mot  mot,  to  the 
rufus  bellied  wallaby, 

"Come  live  with  me  and  be  my  love, 
End   we   shall   ever  jolly    be". 

"What    leave    my     happy    home    for 
you,   well    I   should   guess   not.    Mot, 

Said   the   rufus   bellied   wallaby   to 
the   venzuelian   mot   mot. 

S 


lures, 
A\"h('n  you  ii.ive  a  ilate 
They  can  ailei'  uji  licr  fcalnres, 
.Makiu';  licr  look  sireat. 


Lapsus  Littererae 

rinmp  Party:  When  1  was 
young  (iilhei-t  anil  Sullivan  were 
the  rage. 

Lady  fair:    Ah  yes,  father  often  The    Kid    says    it's    easier  to    shave 

said    tiiat    drinkers    were   drinkers  every    other    day    than    every     other 

in  those  davs  month,  the   whiskers  come   off  easier. 

'■     '       tj  — A.L.S. 

s 


Two  Coffees  Please 


^^^  Modern  Scientific  Marvel 

m\  A     \  (\\^^^'     W  This,  tiie   invention   of    Dr.    In- 

^B/P       \v  \V  y^lws.  \idius  Maynaze.   '74,   is   pivdicted 

^^^^ J  \  Jl  V\  iy  lo     he     (lie     salvation     of     Illinois 

^^^^    iJn     ^^        I  PscHu^         spiril.     II    produces  the  "Maynaze 

J'oteni    I'ep    Lozenges"   by  a  very 

Das  liund:     l''raulein,  on  allons      siin])le    process.     Pejisin    gum,    in 

uiis?  ()rang<>  and  blue  wrappers,  are  fed 

La     jenne    lille:     Je    ne    weiss      i>it<>  tJie  hopper.    Then  the  works 

nichts.    I'eni  etrezu  .Mosi's.  ="'^   t"™e'l   <'ii.   steam    turned    in. 

— and    presto!    out    come    perfect 
I'ep  J.,ozenges,  guaranteed  to  raise- 
seven  Kahs   where  but    two  grew 
La  jeunc  lille:    Xon.  alter  mebbe.      before. 


Das  liund  :    .Mein  dieu,  wariim? 
Haben  Sic  une  dale  la  ? 


[17] 


^-  e<=..T25.'SL.^4=  =c^x- 


"Mrs.  Van   Nupe,  I  sincerely  trust  that  I  can  interest  you   in   our  new   missionary   movement?" 
"Indeed   you   can,    Dominie.     Is   it  anything    like   the   old  toddle?  ....  James,  start  the   Victrola". 

How  I  Succeeded  in  College 


(With  appropriate  apologies  to  Stephen  Lcacock) 
By  Chas.  E.  Notes 


Que  morning  last  tall  I  jumped  out  of  bed  witli 
my  usual  Monday  morning  vim  and  vigor,  and 
Faced  My  Problem.  I  was  beginning  my  third  year 
of  studious  activity,  and  I  was  a  failure.  I  knew 
I  was  a  failure  because  the  boys  in  the  house  never 
failed  to  hint  that  I  was  a  failure.  The  fact  that  I 
was  in  the  house  was  the  only  thing  that  1  hadn't 
failed  in,  but  the  attitude  of  my  brothers  toward 
me  almost  made  my  heart  fail. 

But  right  then  and  there,  as  I  cooled  my  shower 
to  08°  in  an  effort  to  increase  my  vitality,  I  decided 
that  I  would  succeed.  I  passed  Chet  Weever,  our 
house  politician,  on  the  way  to  my  room.  "Chet", 
I  thought  (but  did  not  say),  "I'm  going  to  be  a 
success". 


After  breakfast  I  went  up  to  his  room.  ''Chet'", 
1  remarked,  "You  have  succeeded  in  College".  Then 
a  thought  struck  me.  "Chet",  I  asked,  "How  did 
you  do  it?" 

Well,  I  talked  with  him  a  while,  and  pretty 
soon  the  Master  Key  seemed  to  lie  right  there  in 
front  of  me  on  the  table,  and  I  picked  it  up.  So  I 
went  down  to  the  telephone  both,  and  started  to 
succeed.  I  wasn't  successful  the  first  time,  but  I 
,got  things  fixed  up,  and  I  could  see  success  loom- 
ing right  up  in  fi'ont  of  me. 

And  so  two  weeks  later,  I  began  my  struggle. 
We  went  to  the  Orph,  because  I  had  forgotten  to 
get  tickets  for  College,  but  that  didn't  worry  me  a 
(Continued  on  page  twenty-three) 


[IS] 


Coming  Home-A.  D.  2000 


smiM 


Sleigh  bells, 
cow  bells,  sack- 
buts,  psalteries, 
bassoons,  jiolt- 
roous,  h  0  V  11  s 
l)()tli  French 
and  Limey,  fid- 
dles, p  1  i  11  k  - 
plinks,  and  sar- 
u  s  o  p  h  o  n  e  s— 
down  the  street 
any  week  end 
night,  moon  or 
no  moon,  your 
ears  are  callio- 
pied  from  all 
sides  by  the  pagan  fanfare  of 
iriany  curious  instruments. 

Saxophobia,  the  despair  of 
Saint  Vitus,  is  ujioii  us  like  the 
scarlatina.  Its  symptoms  appear 
to  be,  first,  a  breaking  out  in 
building  interiors  of  rose  colored 
tissue  paper  in  the  region  of  the 
mazdas.  Next  come  various  sound 
producing  devices,  such  as  arc 
mentioned  above,  then  come  the 
|)aticnts — who  in  the  instance  of 
this  malady  are  termed  revellers. 

But  why  multiply  words?  Be- 
low are  set  forth  in  sketches  some 
of  tlie  more  virulent  manifesta- 
tions of  Saxophobia,  together 
with  a  few  complications,  ^'ade 
inecum. 


TJie  orchestra,  for  example.  Its 
nieml)ers  all  young,  and  fairly  in- 
nocent in  appearance.  The}'  are, 
you  can  plainly  see,  enthralled 
with  their  task,  which  is  to  mingle 
the  wailing  lament  of  the  Hebrew 
cantor  with  the  war  drum  of  the 
native  Somalilander.  They  are 
the  musical  kerual  of  the  social 
nut.  They  carry  the  germ  of  Sax- 
ophobia. 


Saxophobia 

Portraitx    hi/   Cimxtdiicv   Fnciiian 

More  symptoms  may  be  seen  in 
the  hulies  robe-room.  Like  soldiers 
before  tlie  battle,  the  dear  ones 
bustle  about,  furbishing  their  ac- 
coutrements amid  the  fumes  of 
the  martial  jjowder.    Presently — 


tJiat  is,  sooner  or  later — they  sally 
forth,  and  the  dance  is  on.  Ob- 
serve the  writhings  and  twistings 
caused  by  tlie  ravages  of  Saxa- 
])hoi)ia.  Some,  as  you  can  see,  are 
very   graceful   in    their  suffering; 


others  take  the  matter  more  to 
Iieart,  thereby  getting  painful 
blisters  on  their  feet.    Yet  relief 


of  a  sort  is  ever  at  hand.  In  yon 
corner,  exposed  bravely  to  the 
orchestra — the  source  of  the  con- 
tagion, sit  these  alert  physicians, 
the  Cliaperones.  They  have  no 
fear  of  the  malady,  for  its  toxin 
flows  in  their  veins;  they  had 
Saxopjiobia — in  tlie  older  and 
milder  form,  a  few  years  ago. 

On   Saturday   mornings,  tlie  ef- 


v; 


^^' 


fects  of  Saxophobia  are  marked 
indeed,  especially  if  one  have  an 
eight  o'clock.  Tender  feet,  mental 
obscurity,  bodily  lassitude,  all 
tend  to  confine  the  sufferer  to  her 
or  his  couch.  This  soon  wears  off, 
however,  and  later  in  the  morning 
patients  actually  gather  together 
to  practice  and  imitate  symptoms 
— they  call  thein  steps — which 
they  admired  the  previous  even- 
ing .  AVith  the  aid  of  a  device 
called  a  Vic,  the  effects  of  Saxo- 
jjhobia  are  spread.  A  virulent 
plague,  indeed.  No  ]iernianent  re- 
lief for  the  situation  is  at  hand, 
although  authorities  aver  that  it 
will  run  its  course  and  die  out.   A 


peculiar  fact  may  be  observed  at 
times  shortly  after  midnight  in 
divers  eating  houses  throughout 
the  infected  district.  That  is,  that 
Saxophobia  is  the  only  disease  in 
which  the  patients  hold  their  own 
consultations. 


[20] 


SIREN 


TiE^  DMirj  (D)f  SoiiM'sILPspSs^ 


iloiidny,  Nov.  7 — I'p  and  about  oir  tlic  ciai'U 
()■  noun,  so  anxious  was  I  to  seek  the  knowledge, 
whicli  forsooth,  one  needs  must  encompass  to  a  eer- 
tain  extent  within  tliese  fair  walls.  So  to  the  eott'ee 
house  of  my  friend  Sir  Hank  wliere  My  Lord  Davis 
and  Sir  Gerrold  de  Carson  and  others,  among  them 
my  lady  Letitia  Haii])y.  diils't  discourse  over  the 
next  Klaiiemian  liamiuct.  in  truth  a   look-for  event. 

Thursday,  Xov.  1(1 — Stirred  hy  the  arrival  of 
the  hrst  Homeconiers,  among  them  none  other  but 
.My  Lord  Sir  Irv  Bartlett,  erstwhile  a  student,  now 
of  Purdue.  So  to  the  coverlets,  for  i'  sooth  the  mor- 
row will  see  me  ousted  from  my  worthy  mattress 
and  slund)ering  i'  th"  window  seat. 

Friday,  11 — TTp  from  the  coal  bin  where  I  re- 
clined the  night  that  worthier  brothers  might  en- 
cumber mine  couch,  and  so  to  the  Hobo  parade  et  al. 
Led  our  trusty  Marines  in  parade,  and  verily  putled 
with  pride  over  the  wheelings  of  these  veritably 
wortiiy  ti'oopers.  Various  incoherent  celebration- 
iiigs  o'  the  eve,  and  so  again  to  the  coal  bin,  on  find- 
ing Sir  "Gyp"  Davis  of  another  clan  is  expected 
Itack  to  tlie  Homecoming  and  needs  mu.st  repo.se  at 
our  mansion  the  night,  as  of  yore. 

Saturdaj',  Nov.  V2 — Into  leatiiern  jerkin  and 
fine  feathers  of  a  borrowed  nature,  and  so  to  the 
struggle  on  the  course  where  after  seeing  divers  Oil 
City  and  our  own  men  stmiggle  valientlj'  for  the 
possession  of  a  small  oval,  which  I  wager  is  worth 
no  more  than  one  pound  four  pence,  and  hardly 
worth  the  effort,  so  to  a  banquet  of  sorts  and  to  the 
hay,  hoping  to  gain  a  night's  rest.  In  which  I  was 
thwarted. 

Sunday,  Nov.  LJ — Crawled  from  the  shucks,  i.e., 
my  burlap  bed  in  the  coal,  and  so  to  the  upper 
floors,  where,  one  of  the  older  brothers  having  de- 
parted, dids't  to  a  good  sleep.  Hoi  Hum!  it  makes 
the  day  a  brighter  one  V  sooth. 

S 


To  a  Silhouette 

Dark  figure,  standing  on  the  dai-Uer  shore. 
In  two  dimensions  moving, — by  the  lake 
Of  wjiich  tiie  ever-dancing  moonbeams  make 

A  flashing  pool  of  polisjied  steel — befoi-e 

^dii  go,  turn  backward  toward  the  moon  once  mure, 
Stand  still  in  silent  silhonette  to  lircak 
'Die  line  of  earth  and  sky.  c'ci'  yon  forsake 

Vuur  UMl<nuwn  trysi   witb  nic.    Then  come  no  more. 

Tlie  dancing  nioonbcanis  sbininicr  on  tlie  lake. 
ALiking  of  it  a  jiolislicd  pool  of  steel; 

The  niglit  is  sweet  and  pleasant,  and  upon 
My  check  the  breeze  is  cool:  the  shadows  take 
Fantastic  forms,  but  the  shadows  reel 

Cnnoticed,  now  the  silhouette  is  gone. — C.IO.N. 

S 

"Down   with   the  State!    Give   us   the   right   to 
life!"  shouted  the  man  un  the  soap  box. 

"You  got  it,"  muttered  the  warden,  as  he  hung 
up  the  key. 

S 


It  is  a  (iiiious  anatomical  fact  that  the 
amount  of  bone  in  the  cranium  varies  inversely  as 
the  amount  in  the  spinal  column. 


Jingles  of  a  Dumb  Belle 

Listen  my  children,  lend  an  ear 

Weei)  a  weep  and  shed  a  tear, 

While  to  you  a  tale  I  tell 

Of  1 r  old  me — the  cracked  ihunb  belle. 


When  I  was  born  'twas  years  ago 
1  know  'caiise  mama  told  me  so. 
I  was  her  only  pride  and  joy 
But  dad  said  "Hell,  it  ain't  a  boy!" 

The  years  have  changed  me  since  that  day, 
I'm  not  the  same  in  anj-  way. 
I  grew  and  grew  and  grew  some  more 
TTntil  I  reached  just  five  feet  four. 

And  in  the  process,  gosh  o  gee! 
They  surely  made  a  wreck  of  me. 
I  was  a  handsome  child  they  say 
But  now  I'm  just  (lie  other  way. 

My  ears  turn  out,  my  feet  turn  in. 
My  nose — words  fail.   I've  got  no  chin. 
I'm  built  all  wrong  without  a  doubt. 
Where  1  stick  in,  1  should  stick  out. 

/  gaze  upon  the.  ivotid  forlorn 

An(}  murmur  "Lord,  u^liy  v:ns  I  horn?" 


[21] 


SICEN 


^0   ^UY5TV^\S 


The  Kid  says  the  only  silver  lining 
he  can  see  to  the  clouds  nowadays  is 
just   moonshine. 

s 

Slie :  "Don't  voii  think  tlial  yon 
have  gone  far  enough?" 

He :  "Why,  I  haven't  even  pnt 
my  anus  around  von". — liaiitcr. 


DORJaf-tT  SCrt  J 


/  ui.sh  to  nam   ijoii,  0  »iy  loi-e. 
Frovi  janes  who  dance,  as  shown  ahovc. 
This  type  of  art,  though  pop-u-lar, 
Is  justly  censored  near  and  far. 
(Of  course,  we  are  not  so  far  gone. 
To  show  the  dears  with  nothing  on. 
As  Van'ty  Fair  and  others  do) 
But  yet,  we'll  put  it  up  to  you: 
Just  what  it  gains,  and  what  it  hoots, 
To  doll  them   up  in  lathing  splits? 


A  man  went  into  a  department 
store  to  purchase  some  silk  stock- 
ings. After  showing  several  pair, 
the  salesgirl  asked,  "Are  these  for 
your  wife,  or  do  yon  want  some- 
thing better?" 


This;is  the  way  a  chap  imagines 
his  girl  looks  when  she  retires. 


"No",   slie  said   as 

she  blew  a 

ring,    "I    liave    never 

smoked    be- 

fore". 

"Let's  have  some  music,  I  wanta 
dance". 

"What  nund^er  do  you  want?" 

"That   blonde  over   there,   with 
the  green  sleeves". 

S 

"What    would    yon    do    if    yon 
were  in  my  shoes?" 

"Get   'em   shined.    Tlint's  what 
I'd  do". — Panther. 

S 


And  This  is  the  sad  truth  ! 


I 


[22] 


mOEN 


On  Teas 

Yes.  Trexy.  we  did  go  to  the 
Beta  (laimna  tea  yesterday.  I 
know  ymi  didnt  see  us,  no  wonder, 
we  got  there  on  time.  Foolisli 
freshman  trick  I  suppose  yoiill 
say.  Well  maybe  it  was,  but  I  in- 
sist that  someone  should  have  told 
us  not  to  go  on  time.  Someone 
let  us  iu  and  pushed  us  into. the 
living  room  and  there  we  sat  for 
half  an  hour.  I  guess  she  forgot 
we  were  there  because  pretty  soon 
a  girl  came  in  and  jumped  wheu 
she  saw  us.  We  must  have  been 
a  funny  looking  crew.  When  we 
saw  there  wasnt  much  chance  of 
our  being  discovered  for  a  few 
hours  we  settled  down  to  be  com- 
fortable, which  wasnt  graceful  at 
all.  This  girl  gave  us  a  startled 
glance  and  stuttered  out  .some- 
thing to  the  effect  that  she  would 
have  tea  made  for  us  right  away. 
The  crowd  began  to  come  just  as 
we  were  leaving. 

Did  you  hear  what  happened  to 
us  at  the  Alpha  Beta  tea  this 
afternoon?  AVell  you  know  how 
stitf  it  was.  Terrible!.  Worst  tea 
l"ve  ever  had  perpetrated  on  me. 
Every  one  sat  around  like  statues 
looking  as  comfortable  as  the  well 
known  ilercury  only  uot  half  as 
graceful.  And  believe  me  everyone 
was  ready  to  run  at  a  moment's 
notice.  Bea  and  I  decided  some- 
one ought  to  start  to  go  so  we 
looked  around  and  caught  the  eyes 
of  several  girls  we  knew  then  rose. 
They  didn't  start  to  go  with  us 
and  we  realized  we  couldn't  leave 
alone  so  we  just  exchanged  places 
and  sat  down  again.  Bea's  face 
was  positively  maroon.  We  won't 
discuss  mine. 

AVhen  we  did  get  away  we  ran 
aci'oss  to  the  Zeta  Eta  house  and 
thought  we  could  make  another 
point  toward  initiation  by  appear- 
ing there.  W^e  were  the  last  ones. 
They  sent  two  i>eople  in  to  enter- 
tain us.  which  they  did  by  telling 
us  all  about  the  Pueblo  flood  and 
other    pleasant    topics    until    the 


talk  finally  shifted  to  the  League 
of  Nations.  The  chaiterone  came 
in  and  the  two  girls  left.  She  en- 
tertained us  with  a  discussion  of 
her  operations.  .My  dear,  that 
wonuin  is  wonilci  lul.  Well,  any- 
way. I  think  they  told  her  to  do 
it  because  when  we  did  get  served 
there  was  hardly  enough  to  see. 
luit  it  satisfied  ns.  Somehow  we 
weren't  a  bit  luingry. 

Let's  see,  our  own  tea  is  tonutr- 
row.  isn't  it.    Hmmm. A.  \'. 

S 


Yellow  Journalism 


Paleolithic  puns  in  pictures 
S 

How  I  Succeeded  in  College 

(Continued  from  page  eighteen) 

bit.      -Har',    1    thought.    "Here's 
where  you  commence  to  succeed." 

"\A'ell,  1  waited  until  we  had 
crowded  our  way  into  the  1  :.")()  free 
luntli,  and  then  I  started  my  be- 
ginning. 

"Emily".  I  said.  "You're  an 
awfully  nice  girl".  1  could  see 
then  that  my  fortune  was  made. 
"Honestly",  I  went  on,  "I  have 
a  different  feeling  for  you  from 
that  toward  any  other  girl". 

We  finished  our  jjulverized  milk 
and  then  I  took  her  for  a  ride. 
1  didn't  say  very  much,  because 
I  didn't  need  to.    She  was  so  svm- 


pathetic.     I  knew  that  she  under- 
stood. 

"llal",  she  said.  "1  love  youi' 
new   roadster". 

So  we  rode  on  for  a  while,  and 
I  lien   I  took  her  home. 

"Emily".  I  said,  jtist  before  I 
kissed  her  good  night.  "I've  l»een 
a  failure.  But  now  that  I  know 
you  and  have  you  to  work  for  I'm 
going  to  succeed.  And  if  yo\i  get 
your  friends  to  work  for  me  Ell 
go  big". 

"Hal",  she  sighed,  "I  know  you 
will,  and   1  love  you  for  it." 

So  I  kissed  her  and  right  af- 
ter that  I  began  to  be  a   success. 

S 

A   brick  layer  named  Angus   Mc- 

Todd 
Was  lying  bricks  by  a  lighting 

rod 
When  the  (lods  with  a  jidt 
Sent  a  bolt  in  the  dolt 
And  they  carried  him  home  in  his 

hod. 

Our  idea  of  wasted  ettort  is  for 
a    girl   with   a   short   skirt   on    to 
powder  her  nose. — Purple  Parrot. 
S 


Militarism 

She:  W'hat  would  you  do  if 
your  daughter  wore  lace  stock- 
ings to  school? 

He:  (On  leave)  I'd  gi\e  her 
"Right  Dress". 


[23] 


jmEN 


More  About  Wright  Street 

The  University  cliinu's  tell  the  hour  of  seven  forty 
live 

Anil  scnrryinj;  figures  with  f;r;iy  lints  and  green 
hats  and  no  hats  at  all 

Come  from  the  byways  with  neckties  awry  and 
shredded  wheat  in  their  teeth  and  1 ks 

And  pour  into  Wright  Street. 

As  the  clock  strikes  again  the  figures  move  faster 
and  gradually  disappear 

Save  for  a  straggling  few  whose  steps  (piicken 

On  Wright  Street. 

>,'oon,  and  the  feet  pass  over  I  he  hi'icks  and  cement 
walks 

And  jump  out  of  the  way  of  bicycles  and  automo- 
biles and  street  cars. 

On  Wright  Street. 


f 


The  passing  of  a   little  time  will  bring  us  the 
•Innior  I'romenade.    It  is  regarded  by  all   but   the 
Athletic   Department  as  the  largest,  most   blatant, 
When   the   sun   shines    from   the   West   through   the     .,j„^   ,„„j^^  imposing  extru-academic  function  of  the 


year.  It  is  im])ortant  alike  to  the  snake,  the  bud, 
the  c.  w.,  the  matron,  the  xjolitician,  the  laundi-ess, 
the  tailor,  and  the  humorist.  Some  Juniors  will  be 
there. 


maple  leaves 
And  makes  little  patterns  on  the  lawns 
And  the  unlucky  devils  have  gone  to  their  three 

o'clocks 
The  freshmen  sit  and  swing  their  heels  and  compare 

their  dates 
On  the  front  porches  of  the  sorority  houses 
Of  Wright  Street. 
And   then,    when    the    shadows    are    deep    and    the 

couples  stroll 
And  whispers  and  giggles  and  jazz  tunes  float  on      Mother  mine  your  baby's  lonesome 

the  air.  aud  besides  she's  almost  broke 

The  moon  comes  up  and  snoops  under  the  shadows      Listen  Mamma  I'm  not  kidding 


A(|uatic  tisli  aren't    the  oidy  ones  to  be  landed 
with  a  line. 

S 

An  Epistle  to  Ma 


and  wonders 
Whether  anyone  ever-  sleei)s 
On  Wright  Street. 


-S- 


— M.E.T. 


Oh  they  say  that  faith  is  dying  out 
And  yet  I  have  been  told 
There  is  very  little  change  in  the  amount 
Of  hair  restorer  sold. 

S 


Helen  -Hotrin^er 


Evolution 


(iuess  you  think   its  all  a  joke. 
But  you  see  the  freshman  frolic 

And  the  Jamboree  have  ruined  me 
My  exchequer  took  a  drop. 
But  you  should  have  seen  that  fellow 

Talk  about  your  lovely  dreams 
Say  this  fellow  had  them  going 

Aud  I'm  going  too  it  seems. 
He  was  not  to  say  good  looking 
But  believe  me  he  was  cute 

And  he  had  a  way  of  making  you 
Feel  happy  absolute. 
You   may   think  that  I'm  romantic  and  perhaps  a 

little  bad 
But  I'll  bet  you  felt  the  same  way  when  you  first 

observed  my  dad. 
So  if  you'll  chip  in  a  little  and  ask  dad  to  kick  in 

too 
Why  your  bread  upon  the  waters  may  come  floating 

back  to  you. — Big  Ben. 


[24] 


jmEN 


Local  Impressions 


The  Corner  of  Green  and  Wright 


Sports  —  By  Terrance 


Back  again,  on  the  old  mill,  trying 
to  forecast  what  really  can't  be  fore- 
casted. Tried  it  on  the  Iowa  game, 
and  only  proved  to  the  Worthy  Ed 
that  a  mere  gentleman  of  leisure  is 
hardly  a  Solomon. 

*  *        *        * 

But,  to  speak  of  other  things,  we 
note  that  the  Homecomers  are  on  their 
way,  20,000  strong.  That,  in  itself, 
proves  that  Illinois  Loyalty  is  not,  and 
can   never  be  termed  dead. 

*  *        *        * 

Of  loyalty,  we  pause,  and  think  of 
our  little  cherub,  "Pink"  Reading, 
formerly  of  the  Chi  Phi  band  at  Wis- 
consin. He  now  wears  one  of  those 
sweet  little  orange  things,  and  sways 
to  the  mighty  arm  of  Richard  in  the 
new  "I"  section.  "We  ought  to  wear 
service    uniforms    on     Saturdays",    re- 


marks  "Pink".     Yep,    lots   of   us   need 
something   like    that    to   preserve   our 

nigh-lost-dignity ! 

*  *       *       * 

The  next  number  on  the  "porgum" 
will  be  the  grand  entry  of  Mr.  Basket- 
ball. Now  we  can  get  mighty  chesty 
here,  though  it  might  not  pay,  and 
say  a  whale  of  a  lot  of  things  about 
the  scoledge's  chances  here.  But  more 
of  that  later,  when  Terrence  can  get 
out  the  Ouija  board,  and  talk  to  the 
powers  that  are,  yet  aint. 

*  *       *        * 

The  Trib  remarks  so  often  that  Illi- 
nois is  past  all  consideration  in  the 
Conference  honors  this  year.  Pardons 
from  Terrance,  Mr.  Eck.,  but  may  we 
ask  that  Illinois  be  placed  first  in 
FIGHT?    Much   obliged. 

*  ^        *        ^ 

At  the   time  of  this   issue,  the   year- 


lings who  take  the  dreaded  medicine 
each  and  every  evening  for  six  or 
seven  weeks,  are  about  ready  to  rest 
on  their  well-earned  laurels  until  their 
chance  comes  all  year.  And  from  the 
present  outlook,  the  present  Frosh, 
under  the  able  tutelage  of  Bert  Ing- 
werson,  will  have  a  mighty  combina- 
tion that  may  be  hard  to  get  around. 
Anyway,  all  hail  to  the  hardest  work- 
ing gang  in  Illinois  Field.  And  the 
best  of  luck   next  year. 

*        *        *        * 

Going  back  a  bit,  one  school  that 
pinned  a  few  pointers  in  the  marker 
column,  de.serves  a  bit  of  praise.  Wis- 
cons'n  showed  remarkable  sportsman- 
ship as  far  as  the  visiting  sjholars 
were  concerned.  Not  a  word  after  the 
massacre.  That's  all  O.K.  We'll  do 
the  same  by  you  next  year.  Whoopee 
yes! 


[25] 


JIREN 


Sayings 


Eddie  Foy :    To  he  coiithmed  in 
our  next. 

Darwiu:    1  would  a  fail  untold. 

Samson :     Twas    the    most    uu- 
kindest  cut  of  all. 

Aladdin:    Aye  there's  the  ruli. 

Adam  :    1  might  have  known  it 

was  wormy. 

S 

Nowadays    the    only    difference 

between  a  saloon  and  a  drugstore 

is  that  the  saloon  had  a  rail. 

When   you've   spent   a   lone   vaca- 
tion, 

And  you've  bachelored  for  a  spell. 

Then  yon  sit  down  at  your  dinner, 

"When  not  feeling  exti'a  well. 

The  bill  of  fare  says  roast  beef. 
And  your  gloom  begins  to  thicken, 
Xone  could  bhune  you  if  you  whis- 
pered, 
•'Waiter,  change  that  beef  for 
chicken". — A.L.iS. 


<Jh,  scissors,  dear!    What  shall   I 

do? 
Instead  of  one  datr  I  have  tiro! 
I  had  a  datr  tonUjht   iritJi  Jim. — 
Thru  Tom  asked — /  aceeptrd  him. 
The  situatio)t's  pretty  thick; 
I  f/tiess  I'll  have  to  go  with  Dick. 


Magazined— 

As  Each  Would  Do  It 

Snappy  Stories  —  Slowly  her 
sinuous  arms  crept  seductively 
about  his  shoulders  and  around 
his  neck,  as  Nedra,  with  a  world 
of  passion  in  her  languorous  eyes, 
held  up  her  volui)tuous  red  lips 
to  l>e  kissed. 

Smart  Set — AVith  her  lingerie 
draped  in  charming  abandon  and 
daring  decollette,  Esme  rose  from 
her  escritoire  and  walked  toward 
him  with  utter  sang  froid,  placed 
her  arms  about  his  shoulders  and, 
casting  convention  to  the  wind, 
whispered,   "Mon  cher". 

Saturday  Evening  Post — She 
flung  her  arms  about  his  brawny 
shoulders  and  sighed  softly,  ''Kiss 
me,  dear". 

Century  —  Placing  her  arms 
about  him  in  a  palpably  comiiris- 
ing  position,  she  enunciated,  "Let 
us  osculate".        — Punch    Boirl. 


Monolo^  at  a  Quarter  of 


By  Agnes  Vrooman 


Let  me  see  your  watch.  Glory  be!  Only  five  minutes. 
Of  course  they'll  be  longer  than  any  other  five  minutes 
of  the  hour.  He's  sura  to  have  passed  the  limit  of  my 
know/ledge  of  the  lesson  ages  ago.  I  wish  I  had  flagged 
him   on   the   first   part.    Too    late   now,   tho. 

Heavens!  Even  Jane  Jones  hasnt'  read  this  far.  That's 
ominous.  If  she  hasn't  no  one  has.  She's  my  idea  of  a 
perfect    prune   with   citrous   tendencies.     Gosh,    how    I    love 

her! 

*  *  *  * 

What's  that?  You  say  she's  a  sorority  sister  of  yours! 
Oh,  I —  I — I'm  sure  we  can't  be  thinking  of  the  same  girl. 
Did  I  say  Jane  Jones,  Oh,  my  dear,  I  meant  Jean  Johnson, 
they  sit  side  by  side  and  I  must  have  got  them  mixed  In 
my  mind.    Oh   no,  Jane   is  adorable,  and  so  brilliant. 

I  wonder  where  I  go  next  hour.  If  I  should  give  myself 
my  head  I'm  so  hungry  reflex  action  would  lead  me  straight 
home  and  to  the  kitchen.  I  didn't  eat  any  breakfast;  I'm 
dieting.  Of  course  it's  terribly  hard,  but  I'll  be  sylph-like 
yet. 

::;  ■;■  *  * 

But  where  do  I  go  next?  Oh  yes.  History  lecture.  At 
least    I   won't   be    in    mortal    agony   there  expecting    him   to 


call    on    me   any   minute.     He'll    put   me  to   sleep   bless   him, 
and   I'll,  forget  my  colossal   hunger. 

*  *  *  * 

What  time's  it  now?  Good!  Only  two  minutes  more. 
What'll  I  do  with  them?  Maybe  I  can  use  up  one  of  them 
getting   my   books  together. 

Ooooooooo!  Did  you  see  the  look  he  gave  me.  It  was 
a  very  informal  one.  I  take  it  he  doesn't  like  advance 
preparations  for  the  exodus.  By  the  way,  what's  the  plural 
of  exodus — exodi?    Never  mind,  I  don't  want  to  know. 

*  *  *  * 

Half  a  minute?  Well,  at  least  he  can't  have  time  to 
bawl   me   out  much   if  I  start  to  get  ready  to   go   now. 

*  *  *  * 

Ah— Why — Uh— (Did  he  say  me?)  Yes  I'm  here,  Pro- 
fessor Lapworth,  Yes,  you  asked  me  what  effect  the  direct 
primary  has  had  on  the  gubernatorial  elections,  didn't  you? 
What  a  big  question!  And  so  interesting.  It  can  be 
answered  in  many  ways  cant  it?  Well,  in  the  first  place — 
Why  there's  the  bell,  I  had  no  idea  the  hour  was  so  nearly 
up.  Would  you  let  me  continue  the  discussion  of  this 
interesting    topic    next    time?     Thank   you. 

EXIT. 


[26] 


Siinii'Diic  li;is  writtt'ii  ;i  Ixtnk  witli  tlii'  titlu 
••Crazy  with  Tahiti".  This  same  author  rt'cciitly 
made  a  voyage  to  the  Filhcvt  Ishimls.  He  cinild  imt 
n'Tiu'inlpiM-  tlu'ii-  lalitiulf  or  loiit;itiiilc.  Iml  was  ccr- 
taiu  tliat  their  pulchritude  was  100. 

»  *  »  » 

Jt's  about  time  for  Caroline  \\'ells  to  lie  jietliui; 
out  another  funny  antholo«;y  of  one  sort  or  another. 

*  »  »  « 

Althougli  it  is  of  proltahle  disinterest  to  you, 
another  word  may  be  said  about  outc-ast  Illinois 
Magazine.  It  is  to  be,  without  transgres.snig  upon 
the  Siren,  a  magazine  of  winks  and  wisdom.  While 
it  will  ct>ntinue  to  represent  the  saner  thought  of 
the  students,  it  will  also  tell  you  about  the  latest 
hapiienings  at  the  Dill  Pickle  Club,  or  about  the 
latest  shockingly  successful  play,  or  portray  for 
you  delectation  the  most  comely  maid  tliat  it  can 
find  in  our  midst.  Tn  other  words  its  going  to  he 
interesting. 

*  *  *  * 

Sometime  in  the  time  to  come,  I  hope  to  see  an 
English  translation  made  of  Masperos  French  tran- 
slation of  some  Egyptian  love  songs  written  thous- 
ands of  years  ago.  They  are  the  most  beautiful  and 
intoxicating  stuff  that  was  ever  set  down  by  a  ]»en. 
For  beseeching  tenderness  and  dignity,  they  ai-e 
unexcelled.  They  weren't  so  dead  in  those  days, 
after  all. 

*  *  *  «■ 

One  of  the  suavest  and  most  fascinating  <iif<iiits 
tirribles  that  we  have  ever  encountered  is  tiie  ni.ni 
Sanine,  who  cynicizes  through  Slo  pages  of  Artzi- 
liashefs  novel  of  that  title.  He  is  a  bored  young 
man,  who  is  afraid  of  neither  man  or  devil,  and  sees 
no  reason  why  he  should  be  particularly  bothered 
with  either.  He  is  a  philoso])her,  sometimes  whimsi- 
cal, sometimes  sardonic,  who  is  freshly  amusing, 
even  to  the  most  staid.  The  book  is  one  of  the  least 
sordid  of  all  Russian  novels. 


The  Chicago  Opera  announces  thai  it  will  give 
the  world  i)remier  of  "The  Love  for  the  Thi'ee 
Oranges"  by  Serge  Prokolieff.  It  is  to  be  sung  in 
Russian,  by  a  Russian  cast.  It  would  seem  that 
music  is  looking  up  in  Hogtown-on-the-Lake. 


l'eo](le  who  still  have  a  little  rancor  in  their 
hearts  for  the  now  somewhat  comatose  ••.Main  Street" 
may  lind  solace  in  '•Jane  Street"  by  the  author  of 
••Another  Three  Weeks".  Tt  is  a  rather  amusing 
satire  of  the  "imi)orted  citizens  of  the  jazz  metrop- 
olis", as  the  introduction  has  it.  .Viid  t'ortunately  it 
is  much  shorter.  Further  balm  will  lie  found  by 
these  suffereers  in  l>orothy  Canlield  l-^isher"s  ••Brim- 
ming Cup"  which  is  a  fairly  tiring  p.ieii  of  the  life 
that  Lewis  deprecates. 

*  •  *  • 

If  a  pun  is  permitted,  it  might  be  said  that 
some  campus  dramatics  of  recent  years  have  been 
simply  Orph-al. 

*  *  *  * 

We  cull  this  from  Sudermanirs  ••Sunken  Bell": 

'•A  wondrous  gem — 
Within  a  little  globe  lies  all  the  pain 
And  all  the  joy  the  world  can  ever  know. 
'Tis  called  a  tear  .  .  .  .  " 

It  is  not  to  be  advised  that  neurasthenics  liear 
"Mon  Homme"  ])layed  on  a  one  string  cigar-box 
fiddle.    Nor  people  with  Soul. 

*  *  *  -s- 

We  have  been  reading  I'oe  again,  and  are  in- 
spired to  the  wish  that  someone  write  a  story  called 
••The  Full  House  and  the  Fsher". 

There  is  in  Chicago  the  central  olfice  of  a 
society  of  bibliophiles  known  as  ••The  Bookfellows". 
Tli(>  purpose  of  this  organization  is  to  further  the 
lo\e  of  books  and  their  contents,  and  to  publish 
for  the  benefit  of  its  members  special  editions  of 
nuidern  writings.  It  has  a  small  magazine  called 
the  '•Step-ladder''  which  is  supposed  to  voice  the 
sentiments  of  the  society.  This  is  uot  the  case,  but 
it  is  worth  the  dollar  entrance  fee  just  to  disagree 
with  opinions.    Look  the  address  up. 

«  «  «  * 

Try  Erica  Morini's  versi(Mi  of  soiuebody's 
••^'alse  Ca](rice"  on  your  ^'ictrola. 

-&  -"  *  * 

If  a  travel  noli-  is  not  oil' lone,  some  antlioiiiy 
has  said  that  Korea  is  the  Hermit  Nation,  so  much 
so  that    there  are  often   whole  villages  of   hermits. 


[27] 


JIREN 


One  Dark  and  Stormy  Night 

Twas  indeed  a  stormy  night  upon  the  ocean. 
The  breaking  waves,  as  large  as  a  lionse  (that  is,  a 
house  of  their  size)  daslied  madly  over  the  deck.  Tlie 
joker  and  the  king  of  hearts  were  soaked  through, 
the  whole  deck  was  a  wreck.  For  days,  tiie  storm 
had  torn  the  little  craft  almost  in  two  and  had  at 
the  same  time  washed  all  of  the  food  overboanl. 
This  morning  tlie  captain  jiad  ordered  the  sliip  to  lay 
to,  and  he  had  fried  one,  leaving  the  crew  to  scrandih- 
the  other  one.  It  was  as  dark  as  pitcli  out  and  it 
seemed  as  if  the  ship  could  not  hold  up  nnder  the 
strain  for  another  minute,  boards  were  creaking, 
the  pumps  were  taxed  to  their  capacity,  the  masts 
had  long  before  been  torn  away,  no  one  even  hoped 
for  a  chance  to  see  the  sun  again. 

Alone  in  his  cabin,  the  captain  sat  and  thought 
of  the  unkind  fate  which  had  sent  him  out  on  this 
journey  which  was  al)out  to  cost  him  his  fortune, 
perhaps  his  life.  In  the  midst  of  these  thoughts 
there  came  a  tremendous  crash,  a  shock  winch  shook 
the  little  ship  from  stem  to  stern  and  back  to  stem 
again.  The  sound  of  many  feet,  racing  up  and 
down  tlie  i)assage-ways,  started  the  cai)tain  and  he 
half  rose  in  his  chair. 

At  the  same  instant,  the  door  hurst  open  and 
one  of  the  crew,  wild-eyed  witli  fear  and  in  a  fren- 
zied fury  shouted  at  the  startled  captain. 

"Would  a  tight  between  two  Finns  be  called  a 
Finnish  tight". 

— J.B. 
S 


many  keys  across  his  wish  bone  that  reading  from 
h'ft  to  right  it  looks  like  500  shares  iu  the  Little 
B(tnanza  Gold  Mine.  Just  take  a  slant  at  that  line 
u]).  It  looks  like  Mrs.  O  Grady's  wash  line  on  Mon- 
day iiiorning,  everytliing  from  Phi  Beta  Kajjpa  to  a 
Ford  magneto.  This  duke  would  even  join  a  liter- 
ary society  to  get  one  of  their  keys  if  they  liad  em. 

Yeah  Charlie  you  said  a  jaw  bone's  woitli  when 
yo)!  said  lie  was  liusky.    (!awd  he  would  have  to  be 
wouldn't    he    or   else   all    that    hardware   across    his 
Ihora.x  would   make  him  liunip  backed".' 
S 

When  a  man's  in  love  he  wants  sympathy,  not 
advice. 

I 


The  Key  Hunter 

The  Key  hunter  is  one  of  our  most  famous 
campus  animals.  He  is  the  guy  whose  voice  is  tlie 
loudest  and  whose  opini(ms  weigh  more  than  the 
Woolworth  Tower.  Always  one  can  lind  him  stand- 
ing aloof  from  the  nuiss  with  a  sly  cynical  smile 
on  his  mush  as  though  to  say  look  at  me.  Here  I 
am  draped  iu  front  of  one  of  these  choC(date  dens 
of  vice  where  pallid  youth  stagger  forth  reeking  of 
malted  milk  and  Coca  C(da  (adv).  I  stand  and  hold 
my  coat  open  with  my  hands  in  my  pockets. 

My  how  beautiful  this  line  of  tin  wear  is.  I 
always  dread  to  have  to  take  off  my  vest  in  the  sum- 
mer and  I  never  have  had  any  buttons  on  my  benny, 
it  never  gets  cold  enough  to  keep  a  coat  buttoned 
any  way. 

Now  you  know  of  the  innermost  thcmghts  of 
the  jirofessional  Key  Hunter  (comi)iled  by  Alia 
Axiom — adv.)  Honestly  the  money  that  gump  has 
spent  and  si)ends  on  keys  would  make  the  V.  S. 
Treasury  look  like  one  of  these  apple  stands  on  a 
day  when   business  was  poor.    He  has   actually  so 


I       << 


I 
I 


Always  the  Latest'' 

With  the  best  in  Men's  Furnishings 
and  tailored-to-order  clothes 

PRICES  ARE  RIGHT 

Fred  G.  Marshall 

''The  Arcade  Clothes  Shop'' 


*t*"     ""     


Look 


My  Studio  may  be  secured 

for  Fraternity  and 

Sorority  dances 


Mary  Ellen  McClain 


Studio  614  East  Green 


I 


Garfield  3323 


Champaign 


,„, „,; „, ,., .. ,^\ 


[28] 


I 


JIREN 


Experience  is  a  rough  laniidress;  she  so  seldoii 
replaces  tlie  buttons. 


An  optimist  is.  among  other  things,  a  man  wlio 
advertises  for  a  lost  fountain  pen. 

— S 

Scandal  is  always  welcome  if  it  doesn't  occupy 
a  basket  on  your  own  doorstep. 

S 

Sweet  mama 

Six  feet  tall: 

Sleeps  in  the  parlor — 

Feet  in  the  hall. 

Moral:    Build  vour  own  home. 


You  will  be  satisfied  at  the 


College  Hall  Barber 


Shop 


Work  done  as  it  should  be  done 
bv  Harrv  Hartbank 


ii>^r>^>jfc^i^^fc^fc^ 


Prices  on 

STETSON  HATS 

for  FALL 

averaging 

25  /o  lower 

than  last  year 


f^wAa 


It's  a  natural  instinct 
of  well-dressed  college 
men  everywhere  to  go 
straight  to  Stetson  for 
Stetson  Style  g  ^gj  ^^^^  adequately 

Stetson  Siuality  ^  ^  ' 

Stetson  Money's  Worth     cxptesses  the  Snap  and 

'^l^^^'r^atu^e'/"  "i^Or    of    Studcnt    llfc. 

bv  the 

Stetson  Siuality  Mark     Mighty  Satisfying  too, 
in  E-very  Hat  ^-q  know  how  unques- 

tionably    correct    is 
Stetson  style. 

STETSON  HATS 

John  B.  Stetson  Company,  Philadelphia 


'^f^^^fwmwJMifwj'mvimg^ 


We  Specialize 

In  Furnishings  for  Sororities  and  Fraternities 


—* 


When  you  make  your  purchase  of  Moorehead's 

you  are  assured  of  quality,  price 

and  service 


We  Solicit  Your  Charge  Account 

MOOREHEAD  FURNITURE  COMPANY 

Neil  and  University  IN  THE  BUSLNESS  DISTRICT  Champaign 


! 

4 


[29] 


ir 


FROM  Your  plumbing- 
I  CAN  euEss  -  crusT 

VOUR 
STATE  OF 
HAPPINESS- 


— From — 
Apperson's  Little  Plumber 


L.  W.  Apperson 

Plumbing  and  Heating 

Phone  Main  906 
120   S.   Race   St.  URBANA 


+.- 


Our  Point  of  View 

)'o//  (-(III  irrilr  i/(jiir  rln/iiics  to  the 
i(ii(Irr-(I()(/, 

A  ml  lots  of  people  irill  ii  ad  'em; 
I  injo)!  i/niir  rhi/nifs  to  tin-  under- 
dot/. 

For  III-  HlldouhlidJ jl  needs   'em. 

1  o»  (•(///  irrlie  your  rhijuiex  to  the 
uiider-dog. 
Oh  poet,  keep  writ  in  f/  along; 
As   lony  (LS  we're   neit   the   under- 
dogs, 
We'll   undoubtedh/   like   your 
song. — A.L.S. 

S 

Xai — wliY  is  Aluy  so  sunbnrii- 
ed?  Didn't  know  he  went  ont  for 
athletics. 

lOve — Doesn't ;  liis  bed  is  on  the 
sunny  side  of  the  porch. 

— Chapparal. 

S 

"Oh  I  This  climb  is  so  steep  I 
Oan't  I  get  a  donkey  to  take  nie 
lip'.'" 

"Lean  on  me,  ladv". 


i 


1 


SW£M 


The  Coffee 

that  made  "Sam" 

famous 


Whistle 
Inn 


TRY  OUR 

AFTER  LIBRARY 

LUNCHES 


Across  from  the 
Chem  Building 


-* 


You  Homecomers ! 


Satisfy  That  Sweet  Tooth 

at 


Main  Street 
Champaign 


Main  Street 
Champaign 


Confectionery 


Our  Fresh,  Home-Made  Candies  and  Jersey 
Ice  Cream  —  Satisfy 

"  The  Home  of  the  Famous  Boston  " 


4.. — . — .,_„ . — „ — ., — .. — . , ,._, — „_. . — , — 


» — ._,._.. — 4. 


[30] 


Our  Pastries  are 
Rich  and  Pure 


Ever>'one  likes  to  eat 
so  why  not  make  their 
visits   more  enjoyable? 

Our  pastries  taste  best 
for  "Its  Quality  that 
Counts." 


The  University 

Pastry 

Shop 

608  South  Sixth  Street 


Doity  Woik 


■•Tlu'iii  jjuvs  soitcnly  Las  got  a 
iioive,  Mamie —  askiu'  us  to  go 
lidin'  wit  'em!" 

■•Yoali,  (lay  must   fink  wo'ic  a 
(•<>ui)la  them   "ere  sorority  goilsl" 
■ S 

•luilge — You  have  been  fount! 
guilty  of  petty  larceny.  What  do 
you  want,  ten  days  or  ten  dollars? 

(itiilty  Tarty— ril  take  the 
money. — Flam  in  go. 

S 

.Mary:  "How  wtmld  you  like  to 
go  for  your  honeymoon  in  an 
aeroplane?"' 

Lena :  "Not  me.  I  should  hate 
to  miss  all  the  tunnels". 


-Mugirutnp. 


-S- 


Fashionable 

Eable:  "1  had  to  pay  live  dol- 
lars and  twenty-five  cents  for  the 
stockings  I  am  wearing". 

Brother:  "Oh,  well,  it  was  well 
spent,  for  five  dollars'  worth  is 
alwavs   visible''. 


JIREN 

Dance 
Programs 

PARKER  FOUNTAIN 
PENS 

STATIONERY 

BULLETINS 

Otir  work  has  a  quality  and 

distinctiveness  that  we  feel 

certain  will  appeal 

to  yon 


GEO.  D.  LOUDEN 

PRINTING 

CO. 

Walnut  St.,  Champaign 


'Milk -Fed  Poultry" 


At  Thanksgiving 


Or  any  time  you'll  like 
our  milk-fed  poultry 


P^f^VEVAR.S   T^ 
f^C^TEUS  CAFES 
PirilfS^  CARS 
FRAT£RN(TC£S 

51  Ghester  Street 


MWA^m^K 


PACKER  ^F 


/-^/e^ltsl   305  -^^ri^/-  G/XR    1536 

1-1. PAUL  TICK  MGR. 


neAT  5P£<^(ALT(£S 
CREESE 


GhdmpeviAn  111. 


[31] 


HREN 


The  woman  whose  liusband  was  selected  for  her,     +"■ 


selects  a  different  sort  for  her  dangliter ;  the  woman      |       ^^^  ^^^^  coffees 
will)  did  her  own  selecting  does  also.  I 
-S I 


"Hard  boiled"  seems  to  be  what  one  calls  the  ] 

person  who  does  things  that  oneself  cannot  get  by  J 

with.  I 

.        S f 

"All  the  world  loves  a  lover," in  a  book  I  I 

Then  lie  can  be  shnt  up  at  will.  I 
S I 

A  blind  date  is  a   tifty-tifty  chance.    Columbus  J 

took  a  chance,  and  discovered  America.  ! 


Spices  and  Extracts 

NOTICE  to  COMMISSARIES 


■•+ 

I 
1 
I 


WE  GUARANTEE 
SATISFACTION 


-S- 


Moonlight    is   a    luxury — and    someone    always  '*"" 

pays  the  tax.  J 

S I 

Since  the  eighteenth  amendment,  time  is  reck-  | 

oned  thus :   A.B.  and  E.N.B. — Anno  Booze,  and  Era  | 
of  Near  Bear. 

S 

There  are  two  kinds  of  girls.    The  other  kind  | 

go  on  blind  dates.  1 

S I 

"Some  dew!"  exclaimed  tlie  geologist  as  he  ran  1 

his  hands   over  the  grass.    "Some  dont!"  said  the  i 

student  as  lie  ruefully  rulibcd  the  side  of  his  face.  j. 


Champaign  Tea  and  Coffee  Co. 

201  North  Market  St.  Garfield   1586 


Hite  Bros.  Jazz  Shoe 
Shining  Parlor 

THE    ORIGINATORS   OF  JAZZ 
SHOE   SHINING 

Cleaning,  Pressing,  Alteration 
a  Specialty 

Accommodation   For  the  Best 

Bell  Main  883 

311  E.  Green— College  Hall 


I 


"LEATHERBILT 


>t 


I 

i 
I 

..if. 

-* 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 


This  s]>lcndid  shoe  is  made  according  to  our 
own  specifications  and  bears  our  own  trade 
mark.  Best  quality,  ALL  leather — rock  oak 
soles,  leather  counters,  sole  leather  toe  boxes, 
leather  insoles,  reinforced  back  stays,  padded 

tongues  to  prevent  laces  cutting  instep,  com- 
bination last — every  detail  of  workmanship  is 
of  the  highest  tjiie.  A  feature  of  our  men's 
shoe  section 


Special  at  $6.45 
W.Lewis  6^  Co. 


CHAMPAIGN 


1 

■4 


[32] 


JIPEN 


In  the  Trenches 

English  Tomuiv  (in  poker 
game  I — "Well.  I'll  wager  a  linlly 
pound  on  this". 

American  Darky   (holding  foni- 

aces) — "Ah  dunno  too  much  'bout 

yo'  English  money,  but  I"ll  hump 

yo"  a  couple  of  tons". — Purple  Coir 

. s 

Blessed  be  the  tie  that  binds 

My  collar  to  my  sliii't. 
For  underneath  that  silken  baud 

Lies  half  an  inch  of  dirt. 

— Aiiy/icaii. 


We  Have  a  Surprise  for 
Home  Comers! 

Real  Salads               Chile               Creamy  Soups 
Fancy  Sandwiches        Chop  Suey 

CTTT?'T  T      I  Tiri? 

• 

Crane's  Mary  Garden  Chocolates 

— your  five  pounders  are  here 

Prehn  and  Palmer 

Soda               Luncheonette 
Green  and  Sixth                                                                         On  the  Corner 

[33] 


SDXN 


ibii— im-^BU^— uu^— uu iiL^_m-^uii^— un  — nil iiii— iiii "ti iii> «u im  — iiii nn— nii         iii  ^  «{»ii         :ni         'in         ■in  in 


Corner  Green  I 
(Hid  fith  m.  I 
Second  Floor  1 


VISIT 

T/zg  CAMPUS  BOOT 
SHOP 

Our  Shoes  and  Hosiery 

are  Distinctively 

Individual 

and  we  have  them   for 
every  occasion 


Southern  Tea  Room 

Lunches,  Afternoon  Teas,  Dinners 
Banquets  and  Parties 

Phone   Main   4203 


->■< 


GREEN  STREET 

OF   COURSE 


I 
1 


Try  It! 
What? 

That  New  Cafeteria  in  Urbana 

Good  Home  Cooking  and  a  Real  Pleasure 
to  Eat  it  in  a  Clean  Place 

Gilliland 
Cafeteria 


[34] 


G.  W.  Lawrence 

Music  Store 

Till'  (inly  |il,i(('  vnii  li;i\('  ;i 
ciioicc  nC  icciiiils,  ( 'oliiiiihiu, 
N'ictdi-.  Ill-  liriiiiswick.  Col- 
uiiil)i;i.  Itiiiiiswick  and  \'ic- 
\<<v  plioiiogi'aplis. 


Tome  in  and  let  us  demonstrate 
the   different   tones  for  you. 


We  also  have  a  large  line 

of  string  instruments  and 

Saxaphones. 


G.  W.  LAWRENCE 

112  W.  Main  Street 
URBANA 


+■- 


moEN 


]\t'v:  ". Villi  dill  villi  i(.'ally  miss 
inr  all  siiiimier?" 

Beit  :  -Dill  I  ?  Kvciy  time  I 
kissed  amitlier  j;irl  I  wislii'd  it 
was  villi".    -M(ilh<is<  r. 

S 


«|*n  tB—3M——m  in-»-«~~-in  — 


n  "ilary's  a  iiiiidesi  little  i^irl 
isii'i  she?'' 

r.— "How's  that?" 

T) — "Why  she's  in  my  .Math 
elass  and  she  won't  e\i'ii  dn  ini- 
]iriilirr  fi-aetions". —  l-'hiiiiiiii/o. 

S 

Annie    doesn't   mind   me, 
Fannie   thinks    I'm   sweet; 
Tillie   really  likes  me 
And  kisses  when  we   meet. 

Girls   I    have   aplenty 
Fellows  envy  me; 
Still   I'm   not  as  happy, 
As   I   thought  to   be. 


The   other  fellows  girl 
Always   has    mine    beat_ 
Why   is   it,  that   my  girl. 
Never   seems   as   sweet? — A.L.S. 


STATIONERY 

For  Individuals  or 
Fraternities 

101)  Sheets,  T.xlO  iiiehes 
and  KM)  l']nvelii|ies  -iy.sxTi^ 
on  «;oiid  lionil  stock  for  lj|;i'.,SO. 

lOaeli  printed  foriii  not  to 
exceed  four  lines  of  21/^ 
inches  in  length. 


4.._„_™_._„_,. . „ — , — „_. — . „ ™ . . . 


PEASE  PRINT 
SHOP  i 

22  Main  Street  • 

CHAMPAIGN  j 

.—„ „ — ._,._„_. ._«_4 

— ., „ — ._, — , — , — , ._,^ 


DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


Kohlcr  ICnaiiirl   Wear 


IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


I'hoiie  Main  olil 


219  West   Main   Street 
URBANA,  ILLINOIS 


+ , 


„ „ + 


[35] 


urasN 


c^ 


Frosh :  "Cau  I  date  you  up  for 
the  senior  ball  iii  1925?'' 

Frosliess :  "I'm  already  dated 
up  for  tliat,  but  you  can  take  me 
to  the  alumni  ban(|uet". 

— t^iiH  Dodycr. 

S 

Jack  (seulimentally  I  :  "I  can 
see  the  love  liyht  shining  in  your 
face". 

Jill  (ciiiodonally)  :  "Heavens! 
wliere's  niy  powder  pnlfl" 

— »S'm»   Dddf/cr. 


I 


Corona  Typewriters 
For  Rent 

If  you  want  to  l)uy  a  machine  after  renting 

it  2  months,  rental  will  be  applied  on  the 

purchase  price 

R.  C.  White  &  Company 


— nii^ 


I 


612  E.  Green 


Royal  Corona  Agency       j 


I 


Waffle  House  Cafe 

CoNTixiois  Waffle  Wkrvu'e 
From  (J  A.M.  to  1  A.M. 

Meals  30  and  35c 

Two  doors  north  of  the  Inman 
108  N.  Walnut 


DEE'S 

Home  Cooking  Just  Like  Mother's 

YOU'LL  LIIvE  IT 

One  block  west  of  campus 
on  Daniel  Street 

Meals  35c 

THAT   CANNOT  BE   DUPLICATED 


.»+      +„. 


I 


Storage  —  Service  —  Supplies 


at 


Casper s'  Garage 


204-206  East  University 
CHAMPAIGN 


Main  931 


H.  L.  Casper,  Prop. 


[36] 


HKEN 


■+  +- 


+■ 

+- 


INMAN  HOTEL 

G.  W.  Byers  and  August  Danielson 
Proprietors 


FIREPROOF 
MODERN 


A  Home  for  Students  and  Their 
Friends  when  in  Champaign 


''Ask  Us  How'' 


SUMMERS 
ELECTRIC 
COMPANY 

'My\  N.  Hickory 
JFaix  4."i(;4  Champaign 


''Always  First  in   Thiin/s  Elect riral" 


■+     *■■■ 


WE  SUPPLY  ICE 
CREAM 


For  church  festivals,  fairs,  banquets  and 
other  large  gatherings  where  food  refresh- 
ments are  served.  We  guarantee  prompt 
deliveries  of  the  best  ice  cream  made  un- 
der strictest  sanitaiy  conditions  and  shall 
be  pleased  to  arrange  with  committes  and 
others  for  supplying  this  best  of  all 
refreshments  and  desserts 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

Bell  175  115-117  E.  University  Auto  2107 


The  APOLLO 

CONFECTIONERY 

Pure,  High  Grade  Candies 
— our  own  make 


A  delightful  place  for 

refreshments  or 

after  theatre 

parties 


MOUYIOS  BROS. 

MAIN  ST..  URBANA 


[371 


JIREN 


+ . ._._._. ._._. . — » — ._. — . — » ♦ 

8   Main   Street,   Champaign  Phones:   Garfield  1121;  Main  1 

Smith  &  Picard 

Meats  Brought  from  the  Farm  to  You  Direct 

HOME  KILLED  MEATS,  POULTRY,  PORK 
AND  LARD 


? 


"Champaign's  Cleanest  Market" 
WHOLiESALE  RETAIL. 


We  will  uow  introduce  our  new-                       A       T7    "f       1-.  Guest:     "May    I    sit    on    your 

est  song  entitled,                                           -^^1  bpitaph  right  hand  ?" 

„r,        1-,      1     X  1       ^                                   ,.                ,              ,  Hostess:   "Why,  thank  you,  but 

When  Eve  lost  her  temper.             Here  lies  our  elevator  bov,  ,  ,         ^        ^      .'   .^        '    ,, 

I  have  to  eat  with  it.    \>  on  t  you 

Adam  got  a  rib-roast.                   Where'er  he  is,  we  wish  him  joy;  take  a  chair  instead?" — (hirffoi/lc. 

And  that  pleasant  little  ditty,  ,  S 

Somewhat  broken  and  badly  bent,  _.             .          ^           „           ^    , 

No  matter  how  young  an  onion  "  Tis  passing  strange  ,   quoted 

is,  it's  always  strong  for  its     He  said,  "Going  down",  and  down  the  literary  youth  as  his  compan- 

age. — A.L.S.                                        he  went.  ion  sevened  for  the  seventh  time. 


i 


Better  Printing  Will  Improve 
Your  House  Publication! 

We  urge  those  in  charge  of  Fraternity  and  Sorority  | 

U/->iiao    "Piil-ilicQtinnc    tr>    nnll    nnrl    insnppt    snmiilps  I 


House  Publications  to  call  and  inspect  samples 

of  House  organs  we  have  printed.   You  will 

find  our  work  to  be  of  a  superior  quality 

and    we    are    equipped    to    deliver 

either  one  of  the  popular  four 


page  folders  or  a  big  book  j 

hke  the  Siren  - 


1 
1 

! 

I 

■ 

I 

i 

I 
I 

I 

I 

I 

I 

i||i— uu un iin nil un m iin un nil— im— i*— 'u' uii-^mi^Liii— .m— uc-^im ud nn— lui— nu-^iiii ini an m nu UD^m.^un^iiu— mi— lui uM^im-^m-'—m^m^Ti^m^ui^ 

t381 


ILLINI  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

On  Green  Street  —  Champaign 


I 


JIfi£N 


Strauch's 


Artistic 
and 

Useful 
Gifts 


625  South  Wright 

Christmas  Greeting  Cards 
Now  on  Display 


t      In  the  School  of  Childhood 

Tcjiclicr  (ill  ^«'(ifir;i|(liy  chissi: 
"Can  aiiyoiK'  t(.'ll  ini-  wliei'e  I'itts- 
liurfi  is?"' 

Small  \()icc  ill  rear:  "I'li-ase 
ma'aiii  tlic.v'ri'  ]ila.viiij;  in  Clii- 
tapj". — I'aiillii  r   i  J'ilt. ) 

S 


First  Pi-of.— "Wt-ll.  liow  wvw 
voiir  cxaiiiiiiatiniis?" 

Second  I'ror. — "A  (•(Piiiplflc  siif- 
cess.    lOvci-yliudy  riunlccd". — l>ir(/c 

S 

"HtHMi  to  cliiii-cli  tills  iMorniiiii. 
Slioi-ty?" 

"Wliy.    do    my    clot  lies    look    as 
tlioiijjii   tiicy've  Iteeii  slept   in?" 
— fdrk-O-Linitcni. 

S 

Coed  (coolly,  to  a  freshman 
\\  ho  has  just  picked  iij)  her  hand- 
kerchietl  :  "Thank  yon.  But  if  I 
shoiilil  happen  to  drop  it  again, 
|ilease  don't  bother.  It  wasn't  yon 
J    iiieant". — Froih. 


Iiirilr    VIC    t(i    i/iiiir    Iidusi-. 
jih  tinr. —  lUcclric   A I 

IF  you  want  prompt  elec- 
tric sei-vice  or  supplies 
furnished  you  at  once 
at  the  proper  prices  use 
your  phone.  We  will  furnish 
you  an  estimate  on  wiring 
that  will  cause  you  to  say 
yes  to  the  proposition.  We 
are  ready  at  all  times  to 
demonstrate  our  wares,  our 
willingness  and  our  abili- 
ties. 


rTTTTTlffiffTmiR 


CONSTRUCTION  CD.  INC.' 


Aecbr'n 


OPP.  INMAN  NDTEL. 

PHnNE    EAR.  PDI3     ' 


U.  of  I.  SUPPLY  STORE-On  the  Square  | 


Hair  Nets  for  Sirens 


Single  and  double  mesh  to  match  all  colors  of  hair. 


Combs,  too 


Also  a  full  line  of  Harriet  Hubbard  Ayer's  Fine  Toilet  Preparations. 
Also  you  will  find  here  Hudnut's  Three  Flowers  Specialties. 

Stationery 

Hurd's,  Crane's  and  Whiting's  —  We  can  furnish  you  with  the  proper 
paper  for  all  occasions,  whether  you  are  writing  to  a  Sire7i  or  her  grand- 
mother. 

U.  of  I.  SUPPLY  STORE-On  the  square 

Champaign 


Green  and  Wright 


[391 


MBEM 


I 


An  Orphan 


"Say,  waiter,  is  this  an  incu- 
bator chicken?    It  tastes  lilce  it". 

"1  don't  know,  sir". 

"It  must  he.  Any  chicken  that 
has  liad  a  mother  could  never  get 
as  tough  as  this  cue  is". 

—Wampus  (So.  Calif.) 


Cafeteria 


610  East  Green  St. 


Popular  Prices 


VAUGHN^ 

SHOP>MEN 

'^alto  Tljeatre  'Building 


o 
EHrc  kings 

Colorpla'tcs 

PKoi'o-EngraVmgs 


J-Ld\)erVisin 


OSes 


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C40] 


I 

I 

! 
•4 


Why  Is  Iron  Magnetic? 

A  horse-shoe  magnet  attracts  a  steel  needle.     But  why? 
I  \X'e  don't  know  exactly.    We  do  know  that  electricity  and  mag- 
netism are  related. 

In  dynamos  and  motors  we  apply  electro-magnetic  effects.  All  our 
power-stations,  lighting  systems,  electric  traction  and  motor  drives, 
even  the  ignition  systems  of  our  automobiles,  depend  upon  these 
magnetic  effects  wh.ich  we  use  and  do  not  understand. 

Perhaps  if  we  understood  them  we  could  utilize  them  much  more 
efficientl}'.  Perhaps  we  could  discover  combinations  of  metals  more 
magnetic  than  iron. 

The  Research  Laboratories  of  the  General  Electric  Company  investi- 
gate magnetism  by  trying  to  find  out  more  about  electrons  and  their 
arrangement  in  atoms. 

X-rays  have  shown  that  each  iron  atom  consists  of  electrons  grouped 
around  a  central  nucleus — like  planets  around  an  infinitesimal  sun. 
X-rays  enable  us  to  some  extent  to  see  into  the  atom  and  may  at  last 
reveal  to  us  v.hit  makes  for  magnetism. 

This  is  research  in  pure  science,  and  nothing  else.  Only  thus  can  real 
progress  be  made. 

Studies  of  this  1  Ind  are  constantly  resulting  in  minor  improvements. 
But  some  day  a  discovery  may  be  made  which  will  enable  a  metallur- 
gist to  work  out  the  formula  for  a  magnetic  alloy  which  has  not  yet  been 
cast,  but  which  will  surely  have  the  properties  required.  Such  a  result 
would  be  an  achievement  with  tremendous  possibilities.  It  would 
improve  all  electric  generators,  motors,  and  magnetic  devices. 

In  the  meantime  the  continual  improvement  in  electrical  machinery 
proceeds,  in  lesser  steps.  These  summed  up,  constitute  the  phenom- 
enal progress  experienced  in  the  electrical  art  during  the  past  twenty- 
five  years. 


Gen 


General  Office 


Schenectady,  N.  Y. 

95-453H 


COwMRo  ("e«Fie>-o 


mounang 

WHIP 

Lo/lar 

for  fall 


rroW 


Jashion  says:  A  little  longer  and  a  little  larger  knot 
cinched  up  tight  at  top  of  the  band  of  the  collar 
n^ich  must  be  of  medium  M/idth  mth  close  meeting  front 
and  preferably  with  neatly  rounded  corners"* 


'1 


1931 


h Hitii   I  iiiitHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuiuiiniiiiiii.  ii~ 


f  »ia<?5lgVoi>- <• 


■^^i' <• 


lzf^Sh»-  <• 


CHAMPAIGN 


(e 


He  Will  Say, 
How'd  You  Guess  It? 

If  Christmas  means  more  to  you 
than  just  the  25  th  of  December, 
choose  a  present  for  a  man  here 
at  a  Man's  Own  Shop.  Warm 
his  heart,  his  back,  his  chest,  \\  s 
hands,  or  his  feet,  with  one  ot  our 
splendid  Ulsters,  or  one  of  our 
toasty-warm  Knitted  Jackets,  or 
a  pair  of  mellow-grained  Gloves 
or  some  ribbed  or  clocked  Hose. 
These  are  presents  ot  common 
sense,  which,  alas!  is  tar  too  un- 
coxnmon  around  Christmas  time. 


99 


'>  ■l;/:'K>.ol»  <• 


■■'c-:'a'"*^=l>- 


Everybody  Wants 


a  private  stock  of  good  sweets  over  the  holidays. 
Everybody's  taste  can  be  suited  in  the  variety  of 
Whitman  packages  of  chocolates  and  confections. 

Place  your  order  with  the  near-by  Whitman 
agency  and  double  the  value  of  your  gift  by  select- 
ing an  appropriate  package. 

THE  SAMPLER— chocolates  and  confections  selected  from  ten  leading 
Whitman's  packages.   The  box  is  as  quaint  as  the  sweets  ate  good. 

A  FUSSY  PACKAGE— njt  and  hard  center  chocolates,  beautifully  boxed. 

SUPER  EXTRA  chocolates  and  confections — the  quality  which  first  made 
Whitman's  famous. 

NUTS,    CHOCOLATE   COVERED— a  rich,  delicious  assortment   that 
enjoys  wide  popularity. 

PLEASURE  ISLAND  chocolates  in  a  pirate's  chest  that  recalls  the  ro- 
mance of  R.  L.  S. 

SALMAGUNDI    PACKAGE— super-extra  chocolates.     Metal  box   lac- 
quered in  exquisite  mosaic.   A  gift  chat  is  sure  to  charm. 

LIBRARY    PACKAGE— Shaped    like    a    book.     A    new    assortment  of 
chocolates. 

Hand  painted  round  boxes  and  fancy  bags, 
boxes  and  cases  in  great  variety 

STEPHEN  F.  WHITMAN  &  SON,  Inc.,  Philadelphia, U.S.  A. 

Sotemaker^  ofWhitman'i  Instantaneous  Chocolate. Cocoa  arid  Kiarshmallow  Whip 


Whitman's  famous  candies  are  sold  by 

URBANA 

ilouyios  Bi'os 

University  Pharmacy,  705  S.  Goodwin  Ave. 

Urbana  Dioig  Company,  111  W.  Main  St. 

CHAMPAIGN 

Schuler  Bros. 
Arcade  Confectionery 
(J.  A.  Thornhill) 


Mwm 


Colli  (lit  comes   ivith  elect  ri- 
(itij. — Electric  Al. 

KNOW  conteiitineiit  — 
know  e  1  e  c  t  r  i  c  i  ty  . 
Know  the  best  light — 
know  electricity.  Know  the 
way  to  save  labor  and  banish 
drudgery  —  know  electrical 
helps.  Know  the  shop  where 
you'll  get  superior  electrical 
supplies   and   service — know 


us. 


II.IJ.1WJI^4J-TIi 


CONSTRUCTION  CD.  INC.* 


1 
! 
I 
I 
I 


Aectri 


>Hbhinq 
n-ical  -y 


DPP.  INMAN  HOTEL. 

RHONE    GAR.  1013 


Weak-kneed  gent, 
A  pretty  miss, 
Some  mistletoe, 
Buck  up — and  kiss! 


The  Coffee 

that  made  "Sam' 

famous 


Whistle 
Inn 


TRY  OUR 

AFTER  LIBRARY 

LUNCHES 


Across  from  the 
Chem  Building 


4... 

B 

I 


-* 
1 

I 

I 


INMAN  HOTEL 

G.  W.  Byers  and  August  Danielson 
Proprietors 


FIKEPKOOF 
MODERN 


♦ 


A  Home  for  Students  and  Their 
Friends  when  in  Champaign 


|... 


Just 

Now 


OlIK  assortment  of  Christmas 
greeting  Cards  is  most  complete. 
AVe  are  sliowing  tlie  most  exten- 
sive display  of  these  attractive  cards 
in  central  Illinois.  Those  of  you  who 
are  familiar  with  the  Knowlton  and 
Bennett  line,  tell  your  friends,  they 
will  appreciate  it  tlie  same  as  you. 


<s> 


Knowlton  &  Bennett 

URBANA 
"We  Lead  in  Every  Line  We  Carry" 


..4.      +« 
[2] 


Best  Wishes 
of  the 
Season— 

W'a  hope  you  have  a 
good  time  during  your 
Holiday  Vacation,  and 
will  be  glad  to  have  you 
with  us  again  when 
after  it's  over. 


Berryman 

Bakery 

213  South   Neil 
(On   the   way  to  town) 


Bet  He's  An  Angler 

iK'-.w  Editor — .My  little  boy  has 
worms.    A\'liat  will  help  him? 

Answoi- — Feed  him  lots  of  fish 
— they  like  "em. — Topics  of  the 
naif. 

S 

She — "Do  you  love  tne  best?" 
He — "You  ought  to  kuow". 
— Octopus. 

S 

'JO — "I  got  through  college  iu 
three  years". 


'11— "That's     uothiug, 
through  in  one". — Froth. 

S 


got 


He — I  tell  my  roommate  all  I 
know. 

She — How     delightfully     quiet 
you  must  be  at  college. — Ex. 

S 

The  Girl — Did  I  ever  show  you 
where  I  was  tattooed? 
The  Boy— No. 

The    Girl — ^A'ell,   we   cau    drive 
.      around  that  way. — Brown  Jur/. 


JnxN 


You  will  admire  our 
workmanship  in  all 
lines  of 
Dyeing 

and 
Cleaning 

Garments    Called 

for  and 

Delivered 

Promptly 


Carpets  and   Rugs   Given 
Special  Attention 

PARIS  DYEING  & 
CLEANING  WKS. 

Call  Main  1744 


•——————" — —.—.—• " — • — — " — ,„_.„_,„,_.„_., — „ — „ — . — „ — „_.„_j_.. — ,„ — ,._.„_„_„_„ — . — ,„_.„_  4, 


Pure  Food 


Y 


OU  can  get  it  here  and  you  may  be 
assured  of  the  best  when  so  doing  for 
the  best  is  what  we  buy. 


We  have  a  new  and  sanitary  cafeteria  and  invite 
the  public  to  inspect  our  kitchen 


We  give  away  meal  tickets 


Gilliland  Cafeteria 


i 

■4 


[3J 


jnuEN 


-♦ 


Give 


Victrola 
Records 

for  ideal  Christmas 
Gifts 

Here,  you  may  liave  a  clioice 
of  Columbia,  Victor  or  Bruns- 
wick   records. 

Ask  to  Hear  the  New 

Releases  for 

December 

We  also  have  a  large  selec- 
tion of  string  instruments  and 
saxophones. 

G.  W.  Lawrence 

112  West  Main  St. 
URBANA 


I'm  not  iu  love  with  Aunabelle 
Tliough  it  may  seem  eoutraiy. 
I'm  not  in  love  I  know  it  well 
Her  actions  make  me  waiy. 
A  lovelier  maid  I've  never  met 
And  yet  it  seems  a  pity, 
I'm  not  in  love  my  mind  is  set- 
(Bnt  Annabelles'  so  pretty.) 

A  '25. 


For  the  Best 

Eats 

Third  Street 
Cafeteria 

and 

Delicatessen 


I 

I 

i 

I 
1 

§ 

I 

i 

I 

8 

I 


The  Store 

that  Understands 

the 

Student 

Appetite 


606  South  Third 

g.  a.  ostkand 
Paul  Grady  '22 


— * 


Moorehead 
Quality 


Foil  yon,  who  seek  distim-tiveness  and  originality,  thoi'ongh  and  dependable  con- 
struction, long  uninterupted  service  in  quality  merchandise,  we  offer  our  special- 
ized service  in  complete  furnishings  for  the  home. 

In  your  selections  you  are  assured  of  the   most   relialile   merchandise,    variety   of 
coverings,  fine  finishes  aiid  lasting  service  and  usefulness. 
We  appreciate  your  charge  account. 

MOOREHEAD  FURNITURE  COMPANY 


Neil  and  University 


IN  THE  BUSINESS  DISTRICT 


Champaign 


[4] 


SIREN 


This  is  Wharf ul! 

She — 8ir,  do  you  realize  who 
you  are  speaking  to?  I  am  tlie 
(lnii<jiiiei-  of  an  English  peei'. 

He — Not  so  fast,  I'm  the  son  ul' 
,iu  American  doc. 

—Wampus.  (Uni.  So.  Oalif.) 
S 


"Never  scratched  yet,"   chattered    lion    Ami   as 
hi'  sliivered   in  his  B.V.D's. 

S 

"I  sure  hate  this  notions  liviug,''  remarked  the 
10th.,  warder  as  he  shot  another  polition. 

S 

''Have  you  ever  made  love  like  this  to  a   nirl 
.<;fore?" 

"No,  dear,  I'm  at  my  best  tonight." 

S 

Phyllis  the  physicist,  says  that  a  uon-condnctor 
is  not  always  a  motorman. 

■ S — 

First  artist ;    Do  anything  last  week  ? 
Second  Same:    Yeah.    Knocked  off  a  coupla  girls 
heads. 


Horlick's 

The  Original 
(never  diiplicateil) 

LOOK  FOR  THE 
THREE  COWS 


^Vlways  delicious,  invigorating  and  re- 
freshing. Health  and  strength  in  every 
glass. 

Ask  for  and  get  "Horlick's"  at  foun- 
tains. Keep  a  jar  in  your  doi-mitory, 
frat,  club  or  room. 

The  favorite  food-drink  of  students 
and  athletes  for  over  ^  century. 

— Avoid  substitutes 


Horlick's 


1 


Hot  and  Cold 
Ice  Cream 


Eat  ice  cream  iu  the  summer  because 
it  is  frozen,  and  will,  in  melting,  elim- 
inate a  certain  amount  of  your  excess 
heat.  Eat  it  in  the  winter  because  the 
butter-fat,  eggs,  and  sugar  iu  ice  cream 
are  all  efficient  heat-producers. 

Only  be  sure  that  the  cream  you  get 
is  ours.  Then  you  can  be  sure  that  it 
not  only  will  have  the  flavor  that  has 
made  it  the  favorite,  but  you  will  have 
the  assurance  that  the  ingredients  will 
be  of  the  highest  standard  of  quality 
and  purity.  Lt  pays  to  insist  on  our  ice 
cream. 


Phones : 
Garfield  2107 
Main  175 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

111-115  E.  University  Street 


clflfeaH^ 


Cafeteria 


610  East  Green  St. 


Popular  Prices 


■■+  +- 

[51 


jnSEN 


There's  many  a  person  who  becomes  known  as  being  patient,  good 
natured  and  gentle,  who  is  just  plain  lazy.     There's  a  thought. 


What's  Next 


Have  You  Seen  the 
New  View  Book 


? 


We  are  very  proud  to 
have  our  name  connected 
with  this  piece  of  work 
representing  the  spirit  of 
our  Alma  Mater— Illinois 

96  VIEWS 
36  PAGES 

Price,  each 

$1 .00 


1 


Select  your  Christmas 

greeting  cards  and  mail  them. 

Our  cards  are  from  such  makers  as 
the  Cincinnati  Art  Co.,  Gibson  Art 
Co.,  Dennison  Mfg.  Co.,  Thomp- 
son-Smith Co.,  Harcourt  Engraving 
Company. 

WARD'S 


BOOK 

This  is  a  five  year  diary  and  is  nicely 
bound  in  various  grades  of  leather.  This 
is  an  ideal  gift. 

We  have  a  complete  line  of  leather  ad- 
dress books,  shopping  lists,  etc.,  in  con- 
nection with  "A  Line  a  Day"  books. 


V 


■ 


#faxDjen^^iHJplij#)r0re 


606  EAST  GREEN  STREET 

"CHUCK"  BAILEY  SHELBY  HIMES 


Sometimes  you  meet  a  man  who  realizes  why  the  good  Lord  gave  him  two  eyes 
and  only  one  tongue.  It  is  a  pleasure  and  when  he  does  say  something  you  listen 


IZ 


[6] 


This,  the  Hi-.st  homecoming  of  T.  .lomithaii  Small  .Ir,  collegian 
and  freshman,  illustrates  Christmas  Cheer  a  la  mode.  It  is  Clirist- 
mas  morn.  The  useful  and  othei-wise  gifts  have  been  distributed 
with  conscientious  amial)ility.  Tiien — to  business.  Says  Paw :  "Who 
told  you  you  cf)uld  have  the  car  last  night?  And  how,  young  fella, 
did  you  ding  in  that  fender?"  Whereat  Maw:  '"Xow,  Timothy, 
remember,  it's  Christmas !"  To  all  of  which  T.  J.  Jr.,  who  has 
absorbed  the  collegiate  manner  in  less  than  no  time,  i-eturns  a 
dignified  silence,  confident  that  his  new-found  maturity  will  receive 
the  respecte  it  deserves. 


T.  P.  BouBLAND,  Editor;  Gkobge  B.  Switzer,  Art  Editor; 
G.  V.  BucHANAX,  JK.,  Contributing  Editor;  Jack  Tuttle, 
Exchange  Editor;  Hoken  Hoie,   Contrilmting  Artist. 


Morgan  L.  Fitch,  Business  Manager;  J.  A.  Nuckolls, 
Advertising  Mgr.;  R.  J.  Weber,  Foreign  Adv.  Mgr.;  R.  H. 
Ferguson,  Circxilation  Mgr.;  R.  R.  Fowleb,  Asst.  Bus.  Mgr. 


Editorial  Staff 

A.  L.  Stbaus  L.  M.  Stobmont 

Agnes  Vrooman    P.  B.  Bass 
O.  D.  BuRGE  Leonard  Hunt 

Chas.  E.  Notes 


Business  Staff 


G.  E.  Darling 
R.  E.  Denzel 
C.  R.  Defenbaugh 
Burt  Hurd 
J.  A.  Taylor 
Hugh  Fechtman 
Helen  Booth 
Bruce  Cowan 


F^OYD   MOCHON 

J.  A.  O'Brien 
J.  B.  O'Donnell 

W.    C.    RUNKLE 

S.  W.  Rydemski 
T.  L.  Shubtelle 
Mary  Hopkins 
J.  O.  Keth 


Art  Staff 

G.  V.  Buchanan  Dorothy  Schulze 
Beatbice  Adams    Helen  Hottinger 
Martin  Topper      Constance  Freeman 
M.  R.  Marx  C.  W,  Baughman 

J.   J.  Bbesee 


Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year.  Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the 
postoffice  at  Urbana,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879.  Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price,  $1.50  the 
year  local,  $1.75  by  mail.    Address  all  communications  to   106  University   Hall,  Urbana,  Illinois. 


PHINEAS  PIGGE,  whose  wont  it  is  to  worry 
over  the  floppiiigs  of  the  fish-lady,  being  in  the 
"not  among  those  present" — his  tasli  is  taken  over 
for  the  nonce  by  a  lesser  light  who  trembles  as  he 
faces  the  battered  mill  and  the  yawning  col.,  of  the 
unfilled  Siren  for  the  month  of  December. 

Yet,  being  less  of  a  humorist  and  more  of  an 
optimist  the  substitute  editor  shakes  worry  from 
him  as  a  dog  shakes  water.  No  one  ever  reads  the 
editorials  anyway. 

And — if  you  appi'eciate  not  the  efforts  of  the 
fledgling — toss    aside    the    borrowed    copy    of    the 
Siren,  or  better  still — take  it  back  to  the  one  who 
]nircliased  it.    The  Siren  will  not  die  withal. 
S- 

Over  the  bowls  at  -limmie's  one  evening  recently 
a  member  of  the  English  faculty  deplored  the  fact 
that  the  undergraduate  and  the  faculty  worlds  were 
so  utterlv  distinct.    He  reiiiarlced  on  the  lot  of  one 


man  who  had  never  known  a  faculty  member  socially 
during  his  four  year  college  course. 

It  is  indeed  deplorable. 

But  more  deplorable  is  the  fact  that  those  of  the 
faculty  who  wish  to  associate  with  their  students 
and  those  of  the  students  who  wish  to  associate  with 
their  teachers  to  a  greater  extent,  are  held  back  by 
the  actions  of  the  minority  to  whom  having  a  faculty 
mau  or  woman  to  dinner  at  his  or  her  fraternity 
house  is  but  the  means  toward  an  end — rather 
toward  an  "A." 

Illinois  is  a  great  university — leaping  to  th«? 
forefront,  numerically  speaking  in  particular — with 
rapidity.  Yet  there  should  be  time  for  a  certain 
amount  of  friendship  between  student  and  teacher 
a  friendship  based  on  the  real  basis  of  friendship 
— that  of  equal  giving  and  taking  in  the  intercourse 
it  promotes. 

S 

The  old  belief  that  youtli  has  a  right  to  sow  its 
wild  oats  does  not  include  provisions  for  the  sow- 
ing I0  be  done  on  your  property. 

■ S 

The  old  saying  "he  who  does  not  work  shall 
not  eat,"  went  out  of  use  before  the  era  of  "jtam- 
pered  puiiiiies  of  promiscuously  prominent  parents." 


[8] 


mscN 


Faculty  and  studi-m  eontrol  are  terms  tliat, 
siuce  the  recent  Honor  System  controversy,  have 
lieen  ))anilieil  alxnit  by  the  many,  rather  in-omiscMi- 
ously.  Neitlier.  to  the  t^iren's  viewpoint,  is  llie  cor- 
rect control.  Somewhere,  sometime  there  may  be  a 
leaib'i-  with  broadness  enonjjh  to  see  both  si(h's  of  tlie 
(jnestion  and  strike  a  hajjpy  medium. 
S 

Will  Irwin,  in  his  dyed  army  overcoat  paused 
a  few  moments  witli  the  University  last  month, 
.said  a  moutlifid.  and  departed,  leaving  more  friends 
than  most  lecturers  who  have  .sojourned  here.  In 
cidently  Will  became  an  honorary  member  of  Si<;nia 
Delta  Chi,  professional  journalistic  fraternity  tlur- 
ing  his  stay,  and  after  the  dinner  following  the 
initiation  said  to  the  members:  "This  was  a  real 
newspajier  gathering — no  one  asked  me  to  make  a 
speech." 


make  a  "tigure  in  this  eartii 


At  six  o'clock,  on 


HAKDY  editorial  material,  you'll  say.  But  the 
writer  observes  with  chagrin  that  the  Junior 
Promenade  is  mentioned,  with  one  exception,  uow- 
where  else  in  this  print.  Ever  ready  for  a  tilt  at  a 
windmill,  then,  let  it  be  here  discussed: 

I.  (penseroso)* 

General  impression:  anatomical  backs  and  high- 
lights on  stockings.  Unsuspected  collar-bones. 
Many,  many  icicles,  like  BVDs  on  a  line.  Peojde  in 
ilie  gallery,  recognizing  their  friends  and  panning 
their  enemies.  Jolly  collegiate  atmosphere.  Coleoji 
lera.  ar.ichnoid.  and  other  wee  animals,  done  in  sil 
lionette  and  Carter's  paste  (adv.)  on  imported  shoul- 
der blades.  Gates  ajar  collars.  Suffering  cravats. 
Kefractory  dickies.  Confetti,  embedded  in  brillian- 
tine.  Powder — wax  and  chalk.  Zombro,  checking 
up.  JIusic — really,  it's  impossible  to  say  anything 
mean  about  the  music  .  Felicitations.  Will  and  eke 
Morry. 

II.  (conte  jiicaresque) 
"Never  let  the  truth  mar  a  good  story."  Then, 
hear  and  attend  and  listen. 

Once  there  was  a  voung  man  who  was  bound   to 


the  ninth  of  December,  he  decided  to  go  to  the  prom- 
(•nade  (Junior).  So  he  bedecked  hin)self  in  jinrple 
and  line  linen  and  ribbands  and  gauds  (tigurative 
ly.  my  dears,  figuratively)  and  step|>ed  over 
to  a  sorority,  where  he  saw  a  damsel  playing  briilge 
with  a  youth.  "My  dear,"  said  our  hero,  "are  you 
ready  ■?'■  The  damsel  trumped  her  partner's  ace, 
thonght  hard  for  a  trice,  controlled  her  features, 
and  .said.  "Well,  canya  beat  it?  I  had  forgot  all 
about  it.  AVill  you  eveh  forgive  me?  I  can  be  ready 
in  an  hour — can  you  wait?"  Xatnrally.  he  could 
waif.  (At  this  point,  the  bridge-placing  youth 
drops  out  of  the  plot,  since  he  is  but  a  minor  char- 
acter.') So  presently  the  young  man  who  was  bound 
to  make  a  figure  in  this  earth,  together  with  the 
damsel,  slipped  through  the  gates  of  the  place  of 
the  promenade,  at  the  moment  when  the  gentleman 
at  the  gate  was  trying  to  jiick  his  grandmother  out 
of  the  crowd.  And  so  they  toddled  happily  ever 
after. 

III.  (allegro) 

The  writer  did  not  attend  the  Junior  rionie- 
nade,  per  actam  Dei.  Yet  to  him,  afterward,  can(e 
numerous  enthusiastic  reports  of  the  success  and 
joy  of  the  occasion.  The  Promenade  was  successful, 
aesthetically,  .socially,  financially,  and,  it  is  trusted, 
morally.  To  the  conmiittee  the  Siren  extends  con- 
gratulations. 


Something  that  has  long  been  fretting  us  is 
this  (|uestion  of  girls  in  the  student  opera.  Just 
why  they  should  not  be  permitted  to  appear  in  it 
is  a  most  vexatious  mystery.  They  have  appeared 
in  the  welfare  opera  without  any  bad  results,  and 
have  been  in  Mask  and  Bauble  iiroductions  for 
years.  Why.  then,  should  they  not  appear  in  the  stu- 
dent o])era?  They  would  better  it  a  thousand  ]ter 
cent. 


ft 


[9] 


HKEN 


The  Boy  Inventor 

Que  bright  day,  I  had  been 
shaving  myself,  as  is  my  usual 
custom  every  evening  when  I  was 
called  away  to  answer  to  a  tele- 
phone call  which  was,  indeed,  of 
no  consequence,  but  it  was  some 
time  before  1  conld  resume  my  in- 
terrupted task.  I'lxin  my  return 
to  my  shaving  slick  and  brnsli,  I 
was  possessed  of  the  idea  that 
someone  had  been  using  my  safe- 
ty, but  I  had  no  facts  upon  which 
to  base  my  assertion  save  that  my 
once  sharp  blade  was  now  a  most 
dull  affair.  Thinking  that  per- 
haps there  were  others  in  like  cir- 
cumstances in  this  world,  I  have 
invented  this  device  which  is  so 
simple  in  its  workings  that  even 
my  kid  brother  could  operate  it. 
When  you  are  not  using  your 
safetey,  place  it  in  the  machine 
which  fastens  to  the  side  of  the 
razor,  you  may  now  leave  the 
room,  assured  that  no  one  will 
use  your  razor,  for  this  instru- 
ment records  both  the  name  of 
the  person  who  borrows  it  and 
the  percent  which  he  has  dulled 
the  blade  which  you  have  placed 
in  it. 

Special  attachments  are  now  be- 
ing prepared  so  that  the  person 
who  shaves  with  the  "open  faced" 
razor  may  purchase  one  of  these 
machines. 

S 


She  (icily)— "I  wonder  where 
all  the  men  who  can  dance  are?" 

He  (feeling  his  sore  foot) — "In 
dancing  with  the  girls  who  can 
dance,  I  guess!" — Medley. 


To  Kiss  or  Not  to  Kiss 

liv   ('has.  K.  Xoyks 


If  I  should. 
What  wonder? 
As  you  stand 
(Upon  the  porch) 
With  perfume. 
Rouge  and  lipstick 
All  alluring? 
If  I  should  not 
Would  you 
(perchance) 
Be  disappointed? 
A  little  sin, 
A  passing  joy, 
A  flash, 
A  dream, 
A  sigh. 

But  you  are  so 
Adorable, 
So  lovable. 
So  quite, 
Quite, 
Kissable — 

The  chimes  toll  twice. 
Good  night. 
Thank  God! 


Well!    Well! 

Willie  —  Mother,     my     Sunday 
school  teacher  never  takes  a  bath. 
Mother— Wliy,  Willie,  who  told 
you  that? 

Willie — She  did.  She  said  she 
never  did  anything  in  jirivate  that 
slic  wouldn't  do  in  jmblic. 

■ — Mi<^Jngan   (Suniojilc 
S 


All  Shades 

"Is  this  the  liosiery  depart- 
ment?" said  tlie  voice  over  the 
phone. 

"Yes",  said  the  sales-lady. 

"Have  you  any  flesh  colored 
stockings  in  stock?"  asked  the 
voice. 

"Yes",    said    the    weary    sales- 
lady. "What  do  you  want — pink, 
yellow  or  black?" — Burr. 
■ — S 


Oh,  damn! 


The  Social  Primer 

See  the  lady.  She  is  a  college 
gir-rul.  Why  does  she  sit  so  qui-ut 
like  in  the  big  chair?  That  is 
because  she  is  tired.  Why  is  she 
tired?  She  has  to  go  to  a  dance 
this  evening.  She  has  to?  Yes, 
my  child;  there  is  a  State  Law 
which  makes  lit-tul  gir-ruls  go  to 
dances  whether  they  want  to  or 
not.  Dont  the  gir-ruls  get  very 
bord-like?  Yes,  my  child,  but  they 
like  to  be  bored.  My  goodness! 
"V\Tiy  is  tha-at?  Because  it  is  con- 
sid-ered  ve-ry  becoming  to  be 
that  way. 


[10] 


SIREN 


The  Kid  Says- 

He  ciislit'd  ill  some  War  Saviiifi-s 
Stamps  ami  at'tci'  lillinj;  out  all 
till'  applications  and  lornis.  he 
certainly  worked  for  his  money. 

He  had  to  wait  in  line  as  lonj; 
to  get  his  bow  tied  for  the  I'roni 
as  he  did  to  ut't   the  ticiu-t. 


Interesting,  If  True 

Little  Miss  .MnlVelt 
8at  of  on  a  tull'et, 
\'amping  the  live-long  day; 
A  rich  fellow  spied  her 
And  sat  down  heside  her — 
Did  he  frighten  Miss  Mutiet— 
Oh!  Say! 


-S- 


Fashion  of  Fauchette— I. 

I   was    lucky   to   glom 
This    unusual    frock 
Of    pink    deml-bock 
In  time  from  the  prom. 


from  the 
Boncyard 
Anuiolocjy. 


Out    of    the    slimy    eddies 
Speaks  a  cheerful   wraith: 
My    name    is   Jones, 
But   I    don't   mind  that; 
In   fact — 

I    have    kept   a    vow    to    be 
Forever   cheerful. 
I    read   the 
Philistine,  and  the 
American     Magazine. 
I    had  hoped  to  succeed 
By    dint    of    cheerfulness. 
Enthusiasm,    and    thrift. 
But  once. 

At   a   football    match 
When   our  side   lost,  I    said, 
"Cheer    up,    classmates! 
Just    think,    how    glad 
How   Glad 

The   Visitors  are — " 
And   so 

The    Boneyard    got   me. 
8 

Mother — Now,  Hazel,  can  you 
give  me  any  reason  why  I  should 
not  punish  you  for  being  naughty? 

Hazel — Yes,    ma.     Doctor    said 
you   weren't   to  take  any   vi'lent 
exercise. — Guclph  (Out.)  Mercury 
S 

Jlother — Come  Keith,  don't  be 
a  little  savage — kiss  the  lady. 

Keith — No,     she's     a     naughty 
lady.   If  I  kiss  her  she'll  give  me 
a  slap  just  as  she  did  to  papa. 
— ^S 

Miss  Inquisitive — Did  you  cele- 
brate the  Fourth  of  July,  Doctor? 

Dr.  Soquem— No,  the  fifth. 


Tlie  Kid  Says- 

it's  fiimiy  to  see  a  campus  ("op 
chasing  a  student  and  scared  to 
death  tiiat  he'll  catch  him. 

I'roliiliition  is  a  great  thing. 
Nobody  ever  knew  how  swell 
liquor  was  before   1!)1!). 

fie  never  tasted  chee.se.  He 
could  never  gel   close  enough. 

He  can't  uiiderslaiid  wliy  soror- 
ities pull  down  the  siiades  when 
we've  got    the  honoi-  system   here. 

The  only  thing  economical  about 
Economics  is  the  grades. 

"Oh,  what  a  weak-end,"  moaned 
Frosh,  as  he  stopi)ed  the  Satui-- 
day  night  paddle. 

S 


How  many  cigarettes  does  Rollo 
smoke  a  day? 

Oh,  any  given  number. — Tiger. 

S 


Fashionsof  Fauchette— II 

This   is  one    in   a  million — 
A   seamless,   with   sash, 
Trimmed  with  purple  and  pash — 
Purchased     for     the     C*tillion. —  (adv) 


[11] 


ssBm 


Philander  Peripatetica 


A  fine,  blue,  winter  Saturday.  Down  tlie  street  meander,  In  amiable  converse,  Philander  and  Muriel,  class  of  '22 
— bound  for  the  vaudeville.  And  Phil  continues,  saying,  Muriel,  I  wish  that  I  had  known  you  long  ago.  You're  awful 
good  comp'ny.  And  Muriel  replies.  Oh  Phil,  It's  nice  to  be  natural  now  and  then,  this  life  is  so  artificial,  dont  you  think, 
and  I  feel  jus'  as  natural  with  you!  And  Phil,  who  has  always  been  in  the  Lit  school  says,  we  are  sympatica,  Muriel, 
sympatlca.  I  want  to  see  a  lot  of  you  the  rest  of  the  year.  Whereupon  Muriel,  since  she  is  a  senior  too,  says,  you  prob'ly 
dont  mean  that,  Phil,  but  it  sounds  very  nice  for  the  afternoon.  Then,  you're  a  good  scout,  Muriel,  says  Phil.  I  dont 
usually  like  people,  but  I  sure  like  to  bum  around  with  you.  And  so  in  the  sunshine  they  talk,  very  cozy  and  friendly, 
through  the  afternoon,  through  the  vaudeville,  through  everything,  for,  as  you  can  plainly  see,  they  are  not  average 
young  people,  and  they  apreciate  the  fact.  They  part  at  six,  and  agree,  in  Phil's  words,  that  they'll  be  comrades,  or 
pals,  or  something  of  the  sort.  For  that's  the  way  that  kind  of  day  effects  young  people  of  more  than  ordinary 
cleverness. 


[12] 


mSEN 


ONCE- 


South  Campus*Igloo  Dorms 


A  couple  are  dauciug.  He  i^5  rougli  and  it-ady 
liaving  worked  in  Dean's  oifice  the  preceding  year. 
A  hnulu'ring  vokol  bumps  into  them  and  the  man 
swears  a  hit  in  low  tone  of  voice,  (ilrl  understands 
hut  says,  "I'm  insulted."  "So'm  I"  he  grunts.  It 
hajipens  again  and  she  tells  him  that  slie  is  insulted 
and  he  again  replies  in  the  atl'irmative.  The  third 
time  the  man  in  a  loud  tone  of  voice  sounds  olf  to 
tiie  entertainment  of  those  near  him. 

"This  is  the  third  time  this  has  happened"  and 
tiie  girl  makes  him  feel  low  by  glaring  at  him.  "If 
it  happens  again  I  will  leave  the  floor.  I  am  quite 
angry." 

"So  am  1"  he  says,  "If  he  does  it  again   well 


both  get  off." 


-S- 


The  Musings  of  Morpheus  Mudd 


"Tis  truly  a  most  pleasant  thing,  altliough  a   trifle 

crazy, 
When   rendered    langorous   in   the    Spring,    to   lean 

against  a  daisy. 


I  often  ponder  on  liie  fact,  that  though  the  Spin- 
ach's ripe, 

Some  time  before  the  second  act,  they  always  order 
tripe. 

•  »  »  * 

My  friend,  I  lead  a  life  of  rest  you  ought  to  do  the 

same; 
1  find  I'm  at  my  very  best,  a-watching  of  the  game. 

«  •  •  » 

This  game  of  life  is  hard  as  nails;  I  hold  that  it  is 

wise 
To   perch   aloft   and   watch   the   game,  and   gently 

criticize. 

»  »  «  » 

AATieu  not  too  tired  I  stay  up  nights  and  watch  the 

silly  moon, 
ilockiug  the  sentimentalites  who  rhyme  it  u])  with 

"croon" 
And  occasionally  with  "spoon." 

*  «  »  * 

And  tomorrow's  anoihei-  day, 

— M.M. 


There  is  a  rumor  abroad  that  .several  of  the 
ingenious  architectural  students,  in  an  effort  to 
squeeze  luci'e  enough  out  of  their  allowance  for 
one  more  date  a  week,  have  devised  a  jiian  of  cutting 
down  expenses. 

If  Mother  iS'ature  is  favoraiile  with  sulVicient 
snow,  it  is  the  purpose  of  these  minds,  some  time 
after  Christmas  to  build  a  group  of  ice  domiciles 
after  the  latest  some  where  on  the  South  Campus 
and  will  be  strickly  modern  in  every  detail.  Electric 
heaters  are  to  be  ingeniously  embedded  in  the  ice 
walls  themselves.  Because  of  the  brilliancy  of  the 
niiuds  of  those  who  are  planning  this  venture  it 
is  estimated  that  no  special  lighting  system  will  be 
necessary  as  the  students  w'ill  be  able  to  study  with 
in  the  light  of  their  own  illumination. 

The  plan  has  attracted  world  wide  attention 
and  other  Universities  are  only  waiting  the  con- 
sent of  the  originators  before  adopting  tliese  winter 
dorms. 

The  only  difficulty  seems  to  be  in  the  accoustic 
properties  of  ice.  Sound  waves,  be  they  ever  so 
melodious  issuing  from  the  average  slumbering  stu- 
dent soon  sets  the  ice  walls  to  vibrating  to  such  an 
extent  that  they  become  red  hot;  and  thus  make 
it  uncomfortable  to  sleep  inside  the  some  what  nar- 
row confines  of  this  otherwise  most  practical  igloo- 
bungalow. 

S— 

The  Coal  Committee  of  the  Amalgamated 
Church  of  the  Twin  Cities  is  to  meet  Monday  night 
one  hour  after  dark  behind  the  I.  C.  freight  depot. 
Committee  members  are  requested  to  bring  their 
own  gunny  sacks,  as  those  of  the  church  were  lost 
in  the  adjournment  of  the  last  meeting  dtie  to  the 
visitation  of  the  police. 

S 

Stude :  "I've  been  lired  from  better  places  than 
this." 

Houncer:    "Yes,  but  never  any  (juicker.'' 

— Javk-o-LatUeni. 


ri".i 


HREN 


OH      riVH* 


A/O' 


-^    -A    <3     m 


<; 


fe 


Nf<k  TICJ    No* 


IT'S  TOO  LATE  NOW  TO  SHOP  EARLY ! 


Peregrinations  of  a  Professor 


Tennis 

Having  become  highly  concern- 
ed over  what  Mr.  I.  S.  Cobb  so 
graphically  terms  "the  prelimin- 
ary warnings  of  obesity",  I  pur- 
chased a  curiosly  stringed  but  de- 
cidedly unmusical  instrVinient  and 
betrayed  one  of  my  erstwhile 
friends  into  the  gentle  task  of 
guiding  me  in  the  paths  of  the 
player  of  tennis. 

Arriving  near  the  grotesquely 
diagrammed  spaces  of  clay,  we  dis- 
covered that  other  devotees  were 
before  us,  and  perforce  sate  our- 
selves down  to  wait.  My  friend 
appeared  utterly  bored,  except  for 
certain  pleasurable  moments  of 
annoyance  when  some  of  tlie  gen- 
tlemen exchanged  sides  with  each 
other.  However,  I  had  never 
watched  the  game  closely  at  a  pre- 
vious time,  so  I  devoted  my  at- 
tention to  four  young  men  whom 
I  judged  to  be  expert  by  the  force 
and  careless  abandon  with  which 
they  struck  the  small  white  pel- 
lets. 

At  last  we  secured  the  plot  of 
ground  which  I  learned  was  called 
a  "court"  and  I  embarked  upon 
the  serious  business  of  the  exer- 
cise. With  some  surprise  at  my 
ignorance,  mj^  friend  explained  a 


By  C.  E.  Notes 

few  of  the  technicalities  to  me, 
and  we  proceeded  to  sti-ike  the 
sj)here  back  and  forth  for  a  while. 
That  is  to  say,  he  struck  it  at  me, 
and  I  interposed  my  racquet  in 
an  attempt  to  return  it.  Usually 
I  failed  of  my  purpose,  but  notli- 
ing  daunted,  I  hurried  to  pick  up 
the  ball  and  toss  it  to  him.  I  was 
then  much  disgruntled  to  lea  in 
the  impropriety  of  this  method,  as 
it  seemed  much  simpler  and  more 
accurate  than  the  awkward  con- 
cussion with  the  gut  of  my  i»at. 

My  acquaintance  having  \niy 
u  o  u  n  c  e  d  himself  sufficiently 
"warmed  up",  and  profuse  per- 
spiration assuring  me  that  I  had 
long  been  in  such  a  condition,  we 
began  a  game.  I  preferred  to  defer 
the  study  of  the  methods  of  scor- 
ing till  a  later  date,  but  I  was 
much  pleased  at  the  frequency 
with  which  my  pai-tuer  announced 
my  possession  of  "love".  (It 
should  be  remarked  that  I  am  very 
happily  married,  and  quite  tied 
down  to  my  wife,  but  in  my 
younger  days  I  was  a  gay  young 
blade). 

When  it  came  to  lie  my  turn  to 
serve,  I  found  great  difficulty  in 
discerning  the  method  of  proced- 
ure. At  length  I  caught  the  knack, 

[14] 


however,  and  by  striking  the  ball 
well  into  the  air  succeeded  in 
avoiding  more  than  an  occasional 
untimely  interposition  of  the  cord 
network  which  separated  my  do- 
main from  that  of  my  opponent. 

After  we  had  served  alternately 
a  few  times  the  gentleman  with 
whom  I  played  announced  the  con- 
clusion of  a  "set",  and  we  drew 
tlic  lesson  to  a  close.  He  remarked 
that  he  had  won  all  the  points. 
This  was  quite  absurd,  for  I  had' 
craftily  placed  some  of  my  shots 
so  far  to  one  side  that  he  could 
not  possiblj'  reach  them,  but  as  I 
was  ignorant  of  the  methods  of 
scoring,  I  declined  to  argue  the 
matter,  and  hastened  to  my  suj)- 
per  in  high  dudgeon. 

S 

Mother — Elsie,  why  are  you 
shouting  in  that  horrible  fashion? 
Why  can't  you  be  quiet  like 
Willie? 

Elsie — He's  got  to  be  quiet  the 
way  we're  playin'.  He's  papa  com- 
ing home  late  and  I'm  you. 
S 

Doctor — Your  profession  does 
not  make  angels  out  of  men,  does 
it? 

Lawyer — No !  We  leave  that  to 
the  doctors. — Atlantic  City  Union 


I 


SIREN 


•  te 


[15] 


HREN 


The  Ends  of  Man 

Jazz, 

Mamman, 

Divorce, 

Home  Brew, 

Matrimony, 

Flirtation, 

Osculation, 

A  ride  at  the  head  of  the  pro- 
cession— S.K.E. 

, S 

Fools  step  out  when  wise  men 
go  to  bed. — >S't/n  Dodger. 
. S 

Blue  Monday 


Mary  Minta 


Remenil)er  how   it  increases  your 

ire 
when  you  sit  in  front  of  the  tire 
And  yon  are  bored. 
The  wit  ?,  of  the  house  clown 
sends   your   feelings   down   and 

down 
As  laugh  after  laugh 
He  has  scored. 
At  the  end  of  every  hit  you 

slide  into  the  pit 
With  hopes  for  now  and  ever 

floored 

Oh  you  feel  that  as  a  rule  you're  a 

simple  simeon  fool 
With  a  bean  just  like  the  ordinary 

gourd 
And  you  know  there's  no  excuse 
So  what  in  hells  the  use 
You're  just  bored. 

S 

Jack :  "I  hit  a  guy  in  the  nose 
yesterday  and  you  should  have 
seen  him  run". 

Mack:   "That  so?" 

Jack:  "Yeh;  but  he  didn't 
catch  me". — Widow. 


My    name    is    Mary    Minta    Frye; 
I   hope    I   am   a   lady; 
I  hope  to  wed  before  I  die 
A    bird    named    Egbert    Brady. 
My  portrait,  which  above  is  seen, 
Is   one    Ma    never   saw; 
Nor   Egbert  either;    and,   I   ween. 
It's   still    unknown   to    Paw. 
For  since   September   I    have   changed, 
And    I    am    changing   yet; 
Observe  how  well  my  hair's  arranged: 
Observe  the   cigarette. 
When    I'm  at   home    it's   otherwise; 
Lost,   there,   my   ardent   glance; 
1   wash  the  dishes,  sweet  and  wise; 
I   hardly  ever  dance. 
But   now   I'm   running   with   the   pack, 
To  be  coeducated; 
For   I    must   live   e'er   I   go   back. 
With    Egbert   to   be   mated. 
So   all    in   all,   dear  reader,   dont 
Be   awed    by   my   endeavor 
To   be   a   little   vamp;    I    wont 
Continue   so   forever. 
The   queens  you   see   at    Bradley    Hall, 
Are,  chez   lue,  not   queens  at  all. 
And    likewise,   many   of  the    princes. 
On   their   Main    Street,   are    merely 
quinces. 


Diffident  '21 :  "When  you  have 
another's  arms  about  you,  do  you 
ever  think  of  me?" 

She  of  23:  "Sometimes,  if  I 
happen  to  be  riding  by  a  brew- 
ery".— Pelican. 


Pitchers  Have  Ears 

A  little  saying  from  a  seven- 
year-old  girl. 

Neighbor :  How  is  your  mother 
this  morning? 

Little  Girl :  My  mother  is  at 
the  hospital. 

Neighbor:  Why!  I  did  not 
know  your  mother  was  ill. 

Little  Girl :  No,  it  is  my  aunt 
who  is  ill. 

Neighbor :  What  is  the  matter 
with  your  aunt? 

Little  Girl :  She  has  a  had  head- 
ache. 

Neighbor:  Why!  I  did  not 
know  any  one  went  to  the  hospital 
for  a  bad  headache! 

Little  Girl  (looking  up  quickly 
with  a  very  interested,  bright 
look  on  her  face)  :  That  is  not 
the  real  reason,  I  think;  they  are 
spelling  things  on  me. 

— Christian  Bcgii^trr. 


I'^ine  feathers  make  fine  feather 
beds. 

S 


.t»,^J^.^  «**»»»"  ^ 


He :  Shall  we  go  to  the  theater, 
dearie  ? 

She:   But  I  haven't  a  thing  to 
wear. 

He:    Well,  put  it  on  and  we'll 
go  to  the  opera. 

S 

He:    Have  you  tried  the  new 
elevator  dance? 

She:    No  what    are    the   steps 
like? 

He :  There  aren't  any. — Mainiac 


[16] 


mSEM 


He  gy.      '^cLtinpfl'T   . 


An  Archaic  Idyll 


Place — University  golfing  field. 

(Miin  showing  import  view  from  first  tee.  An- 
other man  tries  to  drive  off,  swings  at  hall,  hreaks 
(lull  and  profanely  digs  sod  ont  of  eyes;  all  within 
easy  range.) 

Him— "Well  what  do  you  think  of  it?" 

Her — "Prettv  coarse." 


Curses 


From   the   shades   a    dusky   jingo   headed  straight 
across  my  way, 

Eyeballs  lurid  'ueath  the  street  light.  Now  the  devil 
is  to  pay! 

<thosts  don't  thrill  my  spinal  column— leering  spec- 
tres ill-demeaned — 

Saints  preserve  my   tottering  fortunes,   ruined  by 
that  coal  black  fiend  I 

Deaths  and  blow-outs,  flunks  on  quizzes — just  my 
luck — or  worse  than  these — 

<  "urse  you  pussy !  Xow  you've  done  it — Gosh  I  You're 
nothing  but  Maltese! 

. _s 


Ah,  Declaih! 


Little  Darwin  Beach  Carre', 

Met  a  polah  beah; 

Said  the  beah,  "Whom  have  we  heah?" 

But  Darwin  wasn't  theah. 
(edit  note:    You'll  appreciate  this  the  more  if  you 
know  Darwin,  or  New  Orleans.) 

S 

Don't  write  hojue  about  the  weather;  they're 
probably  having  plenty  of  their  own. 


's  a  Blue  World 

1   woiildiil   |)okc  fun  at  the  Boneyard. 
-V  I'rof.  is  no  object  of  mirtli ; 
Till'  j;irls  I  adore,  and  those  whom  I  bore. 
\^'o^lhl  liardty  lie  subjects  of  worlii. 

A  sliort  skirt  may  cause  me  to  cliuckle, 

Uiit  consciem-e  nnist  stifk'  tlie  rest: 

W'hih'  Freshman  acumen   is  not  ai  all   limiian. 

And  seldom  is  fiuuiy  at  best. 

I'd  like  to  write  verse  by  the  hour. 

The  kind  filled  with  humor  and  glee; 

B\it  since  my  digestion  is  out  of  the  question. 

There's  nothing  seems  funny  to  me. 


-S- 


Social  Life  Among  the  Sisters 


Bessye :  My  dear,  so  glajja  come.  We  were  jus' 
talking  aboucha. 

Marye:   Thank  ya,  dear.   That's  why  I  come. 

s 

Tourist:    "How  long  since  it  rained  here";"' 

Farmer:    "Quite  a  spell." 

T:   "Keckou  you'd  like  to  see  some  rain'?" 

F:    "I  ain't  p'tickler  but  I  got  a  nine  year  old 
boy  wot  would  like  to." — Sun-  Dodger. 


[17] 


SIREN 


Apropos  reviewing,  we  watched  tlie  most  receut 
squabble  between  reviewer  aud  reviewed  with  the 
usual  disgust  and  rancor.  According  to  the  cus- 
tom, the  review  said  what  he  thought,  and  so  did 
manager  and  principles,  aud  nobody  got  anywhere, 
other  than  to  set  everything  at  naught.  Why  in  the 
name  of  Aristarchus  does  not  someone  settle  this 
matter  of  campus  criticism  for  once  and  all? 
S 

To  be  personal  again,  a  friend  of  ours  recently 
made  Poetry  Magazine.  We  copy  the  following,  tak- 
en at  random,  mainly  because  it  is  about  Love.  Hope 
you  like  it. 

To  a  Dead  Love  .  .  . 


Why,  O  love, 

Shall  I  not  sing. 

Who  above  her  child 

Would  plant  a  flowering  thing? 

#  -K-  -X-  «  -- 

For  those  interested  in  llliui  publicity,  we 
might  observe  that  we  found  "osky  wow-wow,  Illi- 
nois'' listed  as  the  war  cry  of  the  natives  of  the 
Filbert  Islands  in  Captain  Traprock's  "Cruise  of  the 
Kawa".  Risen  from  the  ranks! 
»     «•     «-     «     « 

While  listening  recently  to  Emmy  Destinn,  we 
decided  that  a  concert  is  a  game  between  a  musician 
and  an  audience.  The  object  of  the  game  is  for  the 
audience  to  see  how  much  more  it  can  get  than  it 


paid  for.    Usually  the  artist  wins,  if  he  is  at  all  ex- 
perienced. 

But  recently  we  noticed  a  copy  of  the  newest 
Little  Review  in  the  English  seminar.  It  was  al- 
ready dog-eared,  and  as  near  as  we  could  judge,  as 
pornographic  as  ever. 

»  «•  *  w  * 

Now  that  it  is  about  Christmas  time  again,  we 
must  be  getting  out  our  "Tristram  Shandy",  and 
read  about  Phutatorius  and  his  chestnuts.  We  read 
it  with  all  the  zest  that  anyone  else  reads  the 
"ChrLstmas  Carol".     Try  it. 

»     «     »     *     » 

As  you  may  well  know,  "Candida"  was  recently 
in  our  midst.  It  interested  us,  no  matter  how  badly 
it  may  have  been  played,  because  we  have  a  friend 
much  like  Marchbanks,  the  poet.  A  most  ladylike 
man! 

,        »        -J        -s-        a        » 

And  speaking  of  Shaw,  we  lind  in  his  postscript 
to  "Passion,  Poison,  and  Petrifaction",  where  in  a 
gentleman  is  to  partake  of  the  more  succulent  bits 
of  a  ceiling: 

"As  it  is  e.xtremely  difficult  to  find  an  actor  cap- 
able of  eating  a  real  ceiling,  it  will  be  found  cou- 
venient  in  performance  to  substitute  the  tops  of  old 
wedding  cakes  for  plaster.  There  is  but  little  dif- 
ference in  material  between  the  two  substances ;  but 
the  taste  of  the  wedding  cake  is  considered  more 
agreeable  Ity  some  people."    Amusing,  what? 


[18] 


mOEN 


608  East  Green 

A  BOX  of 
CHOCOLATES 

will  make  an  ideal  Christmas 
remembrance 


LaNOY 
SPOEHR 
JOHNSTON 
BEICHS 


+._. 


VAUGHN'S 

SHOP/orMEN 

'Vtiullo  Tljeatre  Building 


FLNE 

HATS 

SHIRTS 

NECKWFAR 

HOSE 


■•+    +■ 


-+ 


'Milk-Fed"  Poultry 


At  Christmas 


Or  any  time  you'll  like 
our  milk-fed  poultry 


HCiTELS  CAFES 
PiniMfi  <2ARS 

FRAT£RM{T(£S 
SORORITIES 


51  ehester  Street 


PAOKGf?  C>F 


<~A/Misi    305  ^^A&f'  GAR    1536 

H.PAUL  TICK   MGR. 


Gh6Tnp6.i4n 


-._.* 


k 


[19] 


HREN 


S'Odes 


"I  take  from  out  iiij  packet  symbols  thrice, 
Two  are  for  pleasure,  one  the  price."    (Saxe). 

To  tliee  the  first,  fair  goddess  of  the  dance ; 
Skinned  shins  and  scuffled  suede, 
IjOw  decollete  and  ironed  pants 
Those  unskilled  and  those  you  made. 

And  so  to  thee  then  Orpheus  the  great. 

I  slumbered  'neath  thy  bowers. 

Quips  and  pus  of  vintage  '98, 

And  latest  music?   languisheth  my  hours. 

And  last  to  thee  god,  whiskered,  fat; 
My  watch  has  past  thy  way, 
My  checkered  vest,  studs,  sunday  hat. 
Companions,  all  have  gone  to  stay. 

I  liold  within  my  packet  synd)oIs  three, 

All  three  are  void  they  dont  mean  much  to  u 

A  '23. 


. ' ■ * 

DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


Phone  Main  561 


219  West  Main   Street 
UBBANA,  ILLINOIS 


.  ™  m,  m,  ,■«  «,_nn^ini nil  m.  rm    -      m !■ Iftt " " °4' 

*t*l^~W  M— ■  M^— M^— M^— mj-^UB^— M^— m^— »B        I       Ml— M^— M^— MB^— IM  UK    ■■Ml^— M^^mi^— Wl^— nU— W^— 1^— M^— ™^— m^— ™— HM  IB  UB  i™  IM  -»- 

[201 


Christmas 
Vacation 


111  aiiticiimtion  of  joyous  restful 
iliiys  aiuoiij;  your  folks  and  fi-ieuds — 
help  to  make  iiieiiy  by  taking  a  gift 
fioiu  the  University  towu — peruse  the 
8tock  of 

Gold  and  Silverware 

Diamonds  and  Art  Goods 

Watches  and  Emblems 

in  Gold  and  Silver 

Wuititi  iixin — Vhampaiiju'K  Lradhi;/ 
Jeweler 

Wuesteman 

goods  of  character  and  quality 
built  to  last  a  lite  time 


SIREN 


Skate ! 


At  the  Twin  City 
Rink 

rieuty  of  fun  and  enjoyable 
exercise  amid  pleasant  and  re- 
fined environment. 


Admission     

Skates  and  Service. 


.25c 
-25c 

50c 


Every  Afternoon 

2  to  5 

Every  Evening 

7  to  12 

322  N.  ffickory 
On  the  way  to  the  Orph. 


+ — - 


Oh,  Mister! 


TRY  OUR  BOX  CANDIES 

and  LIGHT  LUNCHES 


MAIN  STREET 

CHAMPAIGN 


MAIN  STREET 

CHAMPAIGN 


CONFFGTIONBRY 


A  full  line  of  Whitman's,  Foss'  and  Morse's  Candies 

(One,  two,  three  and  five  pound  boxes) 
Schuler's  Home-made  Candies  and  Jersey  Ice  Cream — SATISFY! 


[21J 


I 

S 

I 


HREN 


"I  Do  Solemnly  Swear" 

Being  a  Sermon  by  Shimshin  Hagibor 

More  than  one  word  is  "loo  often  profaned."' 
Mark  Twain  said  there  onght  to  lie  a  room  in  every 
liouse  known  as  the  Swearing  Room  iu  which  we 
were  to  do  onr  swearing  nnrestrainedly  in  order  not 
to  do  it  in  pnldic.  t^ince  we  have  not  acted  on  tliis 
suggestion,  we  are  taking  the  consequence  of  the 
neglect.  "Wherever  yon  go,  whatever  yonr  situation 
in  life,  you  hear,  and  yourself  use,  conversation 
sonietliing  like  this: 

"Sa .shame!    ^Vhy  the dont  they 

keep  them books  on  the  shelves  the 

way  they  oughta?" 

You  go  into  a  barber  shop. 

••Well  now,"'  says  the  only  man  who  ever  does 
any  talking  in  a  barber  shop,  "if  it  wasn't  for  them 

Japs  wantin'  to  run  the  whole 

world  everything  would  be  fine.    Or 

even  them Englishmen.  Why  the 

.  .  ."  and  so  on. 

On  the  way  home  a  little  boy  on  skates  bumps 
into  you,  knocking  the  ashes  from  your  cigar. 

"Holy !    Why   the cant 

70U  look  where  you're  goin'!"  you  howl.   " 

it,  a  man  aint  safe  no  more  these  days!" 

Then  maybe  you  get  home  and  find  the  front  door 
locked.   You  bang  on  it.    Then  you  say: 

"For !    Somebody  come  and  open 

this door!    Think  I  wanta  stay  out 

all  night  and  freeze? !" 

You  get  a  letter  from  home.  You  open  the 
envelope.    No  check.    Your  remark  is,  "Oh, !" 

In  the  morning  the  alarm  clock  announces  it 
is  time  to  get  out  of  bed,  which,  naturally,  yon 
hate  to  do.    So  you  .say, 


I 


"You  taught  me  language,  and  my  profit  on  it 
it,  I  know  how  to  curse."  says  Caliban.  Everyone 
has  ob.served  that  when  foreigners  come  to  our 
country,  tl-iey  usually  leai'u  to  curse  long  before  they 
are  taught  the  language  The  reason  is  not  for  to 
seek. 

We  all  talk  like  that:  college  iirofessor  (Not 
all,  surely,  Shimshin.  Surely  not  i\]].— Editor)  the 
bootblack,  and  intermediate  stations. 

Once  I  went  to  a  Mixer.  Somebody  came  up, 
read  my  tag,  and  exclaimed  : 

"Oh!    So  you're  from  New  Jersey?" 

"You're right  I  am !"   I  said. 


Do 

You 

Worry? 


about  what  you  shall  give,  her, 
him,  or  it  foi-  Christmas?  Do  you 
stay  awake  nights  scratching  your 
head  for  ideas  and  find  them  even 
more  scarce  than  clean  shirts 
when  you  need  them? 


Don't  Do 
It- 


because  for  one  little,  round  dol- 
lar,— silver,  paper,  gold,  or  dance 
ticket — the  problem  may  be  solved. 
Drop  the  dollar  and  the  name  of 
your  beneficiary  in  the  office  of 

The 

in  the  Union  Building  and  we  will 
send  her,  him,  or  it  a  neat  Christ- 
mas card  informing  her,  him,  or 
it  of  your  kindness  in  being  re- 
sponsible for  the  five  remaining 
issues  of  said  Siren. 


HERE  IT  IS 

ALL  BOILED  DOWN 

LIKE  A  MESS 

OF  HOME  BREW 

You  pay  one  little  berry  and  we 
send  any  place  yoii  say  a  copy  of 
every  remaining  issue  of  the 
Siren.    That's  all. 


+._» 


[22] 


HREN 


+ — .- 


Because  Paris 
Insisted— 


The  influence  of  saudal 
effects  is  felt  in  dress  shoes. 
This  note  conies  from  Paris 
— but  notice  that  it  is  not 
extreme. 


SNYDER  &  SNYDER 


Bvadlev  Arcade 


312  Hickory  St. 


Look  in  Our  Window 
Today ! 

A\'licii  vdU  ai-c  out  walkiii};  to- 
day fjo  pa.*^!  our  slorc  and  set-  our 
Window. 

We  are  (iroird  ol"  it  and  we 
want  yon  to  .set'  it.  We  arc  sliow- 
in<r  a  complete  line  of  Diamond.^, 
Walclics  and  Jewelry.  Novelty 
j;oods  in  (Jold  and  Silver.  Just 
the  thing  for  Christmas  Gifts. 

The  price  is  on  each  article.  We 
are  not  ashamed  of  either  the 
jirice  or  merchandise.  Tliey  cau't 
l)e  beat. 

SMITH  &  MOUCH 

Rcason-aHc  Jewelers 

Neil  at  Taylor  Street 
CHAMPAIGN 


+- 


••*      ♦— 


— ♦ 

— * 


ENGRAVING 


MULTIGRAPHING 


PRINTING 


Christmas  Cards 


for  individual  Personalities 


The  Holiday  Vacation  affords  an  excel- 
lent opportunity  to  have  your  class  notes. 
themes  and  reports  typed 


COMMERCIAL  SERVICE  COMPANY 


17  TAYLOR  ST. 


W.  F.  FAULKNER,  Mgr. 


•i 


I  . 

B 

I 

I 


[23] 


L 


HREN 


i 


— + 


I 
I 


Christmas 
Cards 


CHRISTMAS  CARDS 
cost  so  little  and 
mean  so  much  that  you 
cannot  afford  to  for- 
get any  one.  Our  choice 
assortment  of  Greeting 
Cards  will  make  it  easy 
for  you  to  select  just 
the  cards  you  want.  We 
have  them  with  U.  of 
I.  Seal. 


Strauch's 


The    Art   Gift    Shop 


The  Doc — The  only  hope  for 
your  mother-in  law  is  for  you  to 
.send  her  to  ;i  warm  climate. 

Heni-y  Peck — (returning  from 
woodshed  with  the  axe)  Here,  yon 
liit  her.    I  can't. 

— I'urple  Goto. 

— S 

He — There  is  a  certain  (juestion 
I've  wanted  to  ask  you  for  weeks. 

She — Well,  hurry  up.    I've  had 
the  answer  ready  for  months. 
— Judge. 
— — S 

AVife  (at  dinner)  :  "You  don't 
seem  to  like  rice". 

Husband :  "No,  it's  associated 
willi  one  of  the  greatest  mistakes 
ol'  my  life". — Voo  Dao. 

S 


4. — 


"'+ 


Boris — I  sleep  witli  my  dog 
every  night. 

Eeba — That's   very  unhealthy. 

Boris — I  know,  but  he's  used  to 
it  now. — Record. 


Your  Account 

Will  Be  Welcome 

At  This  Bank 


No  red  tape  and  no  charges  for 
opening  an  account  with  us 


First  State  Bank 


URBANA 


^■^— Mi^— H^— wi.^  mi.^  nn— im^— in— M^— w^— ■— ■— ■•«J» 


I 


When  you  fit  out  your  house 
team  to 


Win  the  Cups  and  Championship  in 

BASKETBALL 


i 


Just  Remember  We  Are  Ready  to  Furnish 
Complete  Outfits 

JERSEYS,  PANTS,  STOCKINGS.  SHOES 
KNEE  PADS,  BALLS 


U.  of  I.  SUPPLY  STORE 


Green  and  Wright 


(ff»$.<»^5^^«S>Vffi»t»W^?»fi 


[24] 


I 


jniEN 


SEND  IT  TO  GORDON'S  FOR  CLEANING        { 

511   S.  Goodwin   Avenue  /ViNIU      I    IX  lLoO  1  IN  VJ  4232— Main  j 

i 

S   Main   Street,  Champaign  Phones:   Garfield  1121;   Main  1  j 

I 
I 

I 

Smith  &  Picard  I 

Meats  Brought  from  the  Farm  to  You  Direct  ] 

• 

HOME  KILLED  MEATS,  POULTRY,  PORK  I 

AND  LARD  I 

I 

I 

"Champaign's  Cleanest  Market"  i 

WHOLESALE  RETAIL  I 

I 
i. ._._. . .__._, ._„_,_. ._. ._. ._„_„_. „ i 

Laundry  Depot 

At  510  Green  Street  is  for  your  convenience.    You  will  find  it 
a  Real  Pleasure  to  do  business  with  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Keagy 

White  Line  Laundry 

White  Line  Cleaners  and  Pressers 
Main  406 

4— >— . „_._._._,._._„_,_._._._„_„_._„_._„_._—»—„ — ._„_.._,. „_._„_«_.._„_„_„_._._»— .+ 

+. . ._._._._„ ._._._._._„ ._. ._._. . . ..— » — + 

! 

It  Costs  No  More  to  Buy  a  Kelly 

We  have  seldom  indulged  iu  superlatives.  Kelly  quality  has  been  so  well  established  that 
it  hasn't  been  necessary.  To-day,  Kellys  are  belter  than  ever,  but  their  price  has  been  mater- 
ially lowered.  Exhaustion  of  war-priced  material  and  economies  made  possible  in  the  new 
(''und)erland  Plant  have  l»rought  down  costs  and,  tliis  saving  is  beinj;  passed  alonf;  to  the  u.ser. 

Churchill,  Bengston  &  Miller,  Inc. 

(Successors  to  Urbana  Harness  Co.) 

115-117  North  Race  Street  URBANA.  ILL. 

AUTOMOBILE  TIRES  AND  ACCESSORIES— AUTO    TOP  REPAIRING 


I 
.—.—.— .4. 


[25] 


SIREN 


i 


PUT  NEW  PLUMBING- 
IN  YOUR  HOUSE- 
)TIS  SURE 

TO  PLEASE/ 
VoUR_ 

SPOUSE  I 


LET  us  tell  you  of  something 
that  will  make  your  wife 
happy.  Place  In  her  kitchen  and 
bathroom  the  plumbing  and  the 
accessories  that  she  told  you 
about  such  a  long  time  ago. 
Don't  you  think  that  it  would 
surprise  her  and  please  her? 
We  do. 


L.  W.  Apperson 

URBANA 
Main  906  120  S.  Race  St. 


Teacher — "Paul,  write  a  short 
theme  ou  the  subject  of  baseball". 

Paul  hauded  in  the  following : 
"Rain,  no  game". 

— Portland  Oregonian. 

S 

Margy — "I  don't  understand 
liaseball  at  all,  do  you?" 

Mabel — "AVhy,  you  don't  have 
to  understand  it.  Everytliing  is 
decided  by  a  man  they  call  the 
vampire !" 

— Hnuth  Bend  Tribune. 

S 


Why  Be  Without 
ajTypewriter? 


Tommy  —  Motlier's      tin-owing 
plates  at  father. 
Visit(n" — Is  she  angry  with  him? 
Tommy — No,   but  she's  workin" 
11])  to  it. 

— Boston  Transcriiit. 

S 

Mini.ster — There,    lilllc    boy.    I 
wouldn't  cry  like  that. 

Boy — How  would  yoti  cry,  then  ? 
This  is  the  only  way  I  know. 

— Neio  York  Herald. 


2l  month 
vone  5^ 


Corona 

The  Personal  Writini  Machine 


i 


THAT'S  how  easy  it  is  to 
pay  for  Corona,  the 
little  6}  2-pound  typewriter 
you  can  fold  up,  take  with 
you,  write  with  anywhere. 
Phone  us  today  for  a  free 
demonstration. 

R.   C.    WHITE   &   CO. 
612   Green— M.   922 


..-+ 


Christmas  Apparel  of  Distinctive 
Fineness  for  University 
Women 


McAllister  Stores 

Where  every  effort  is  made  to  satisfy  the  apparel  wants 
of  the  University  girl.  The  maximum  of  Style,  Quality, 
and  Value  is  combined  to  insure  complete  satisfaction. 


Main  Street 
Urbana 


'The  Urbana  Store 
for  Women" 


[26] 


Bill's  Christmas  Neckties 


I  FOUND  Bill  industriously 
wielding  the  old  Waterman. 
"What's  the  big  idea?"  I 
inquired  in  the  classic  vernacu- 
lar of  John  and  Daniel  streets. 
"It's  me  Christmas  list,"  he 
responded  proudly,  ceasing  his 
work  and  negotiating  the  loan  ;f_^ 
of  a  cigaret  and  the  inevitable 
match.  Bill  never  .seems  to  have 
anything  but  the  appetite  as 
the  old  joke  goes. 

"Just  checking  over  the  old 
Christmas  list,"  lie  e.xplained. 
"I  always  like  to  take  home  a  few  presents  for  the  men 
of  the  family,  I've  found  it  pays  to  do  my  little  shopping 
right  here  on  Green  street  instead  of  waiting  till  1  get 
home.  ,  ^] 


"And  I've  found  that  the  gift  that  gets  across  with  dad 
and  the  rest  of  the  men  is  a  top-hole  necktie. 

"And  I've  got  dad  Just  the  kind  of  conservative  tie  that 
he  likes — it's  a  neat  check  in  blue  and  black — hand-made 
from  English  silk.  It's  one  of  those  Keys  and  Lockwood 
ties.  This  particular  material  hasn't  been  on  the  market 
since  before  the  war. 

"Cost   like   sin?"   I   interjected. 

"Nope.     Only   two   bucks. 

"Fred,  my  older  brother,  is  a  fiend  for  toppy  neckties.  I 
found  him  a  French  moiret — guess  I'm  getting  to  be  an 
expert,  what? — in  stripes.  This  was  a  Keys  and  Lock- 
wood,  too.  Handmade  and  everything.  Set  me  back  three 
bucks  but  it's  well  worth  it.  And  Fred's  pretty  good  to 
write  when  there's  a  pinch." 

Bill  borrowed  another  cigaret.  I'm  pretty  good,  too, 
when  smoking  is  scarce,  I  guess. 

"Johnny,  my  kid  brother,  is  a  senior  in  high  school," 
Bill  resumed.  "You  can  guess  he's  pretty  particular  about 
his  ties.  I  got  him  a  'Scotchspun' — another  handmade  tie. 
Its  woven  over  Scotland  by  the  families  of  the  village 
that  turns  out  famous  tweeds.  This  nicked  me  two  dollars 
but  wait  till  Johnny  swaggers  around  with  that  tie  on — 
I  won't  begrudge  it.  The  very  fact  that  the  tie  is  hot  from 
the  Illinois  campus  will  increase  its  desirability  in  his  eye." 

"Well,  does  that  conclude  the  neckwear  saga?"  1 
asked. 

"Yes,  except  that  after  getting  these  scrumptious  ties 
for  the  folks,  I  had  to  get  one  to  wear  home  myself,"  said 
Bill.  And  I  sure  got  myself  a  bird — an  English  knit  tie. 
Heather  mixture — six  different  colors,  you  can  count  'em. 
There  were  good  knits  much  cheaper  but,  oh,  boy.  I  just 
had  to  have  it.  Stood  me  three  bones  but  it  will  last 
forever." 

I  suggested  that  Bill  must  have  done  a  lot  of  running 
around  to  get  just  the  ties  he  wanted. 

"Not  a  bit  of  it,"  he  replied.  "Got  'em  right  here  at 
Zom's.  The  old  boy's  got  more  classy  neckwear  than 
you  ever  saw." 

Me  for  Zom's  this  week.  I'm  going  to  take  home  some 
of  those  delectable  ties,  too. 


FOR  THOSE  WHO  ARE  PARTICULAR 

PAlLmLL 

FAMOUS   CIGARETTES 

[ounds 


Do  not  have  to  be  tapped, 
squeezed   or    loosened. 

A  round  cigarette  (plain  end) 
with  a  free  and  easy  draught. 

^\j     in  the  new  foil  package. 


^ 


ej/  areaood  taste 


PALL  MALL  (REGULARS)  PLAIN  OR  CORK, 
IN    BOXES    OF    10,    50,    100   AS   USUAL 


t27J 


SIREN 


READ! 

With  the  Aid  of  Right 
Lighting ! 

Arithmetic,  grammar  and 
spelling  —  tough  propositions 
for  children.  Yet,  like  the 
help  of  an  older  mind,  right 
lighting  can  do  its  part  to 
make  them  easier.  Won't  you 
let  us  help  solve  your  lighting 
problem? 


CHANDLER 

ELECTRIC 

SHOP 

107  W.  Main  St. 


t   We'd  Like  to  Meet  Dick   t 

"Strange,  Dick  likes  Gladys  so". 
'■^Miy,  she's  not  bad". 
"That's     what     makes     it     so 
sti-ange". — Exchange. 

-S 

The  clock  struck  nine.   1  looke<l  at 
her, 
Her  lips  were  rosy  red. 
"At  quarter  after  nine,  I  mean 

To  steal  a  kiss",  I  said. 
She  cast  a  roguish  glance  at  me, 

And  then  shd  whispered  low. 
AVith  quite  lier  sweetest  little 

smile, 
"The  clock's  like  yon — it's  slow". 
— Whizz  Bang. 

S 

Instructor  after,  several  failures 
to  answer  his  question)  :    "Next". 
Stude   (waking  up)  :    "Haircut 
and  shave". — Burr. 

S 

"Hubby,   how   do   you   like  my 
marble  cake'?" 

"I  never  saw  a  better  imitation 
~.     of  marble". — Judge. 


BIDWELL'S 
BETTER 
CANDIES 


Special 

Christmas 

Boxes 

of 

Home  Made 

Candies 


Next  to  Post  Office 
"Wright  St. 


Y 


OU'LL  remember 
this  confectionery 
after  you  graduate 
for  its 


CHILI 

SALADS 

CHOP  SUEY 

SANDWICHES 

MUSIC  SUNDAY  AFTERNOONS 

LUNCHEONETTE  SERVICE 
ARTISTIC  CANDY  BASKETS 
ARCTIC  CAKE— The  choco- 
late coated  ice  cream  bar 


PREHN  &  PALMER 


GREEN  AT  SIXTH 


+-» 


[28] 


snxN 


It's  Not  How  Cheap 
But  How  Good 

Printing 

That  Pleases 

STATIONERY 

DANCE 

PROGRAMS 

ANNOUNCEMENTS 

and   general   printing 


TelephoiR"  Gaitiokl  l'L'40 

PEASE  PRINT 
SHOP 

22  Main  Street 
CHAMPAIGN 


Kastiis  (at  tliu  (laurel  :  ".Mainly, 
is  your  program  full?" 

Maudy:  "Lawily,  no.  it  takes 
iiui'  tlaii  two  saiiilwiciies  an"  a  ciip 
of  tea  to  lill  ma   i>i'oj;raiii". 

—Thr  Owl. 

8 


+ — 


— — — + 


Lawyer:  AVill  SlTi.OOO  for  breach 
of  ]iroiiiise,  l)e  puiiisliiiieiit  enough 
for  him? 

The  Aggrieved:    No,  I  want  liiiii 
to  marry  me. — The  Owl. 
S 

I  always  was  superstitious.  I 
didn't  know  whether  to  marry 
Anna  or  Mary,  and  I  picked  up  a 
cigai-  on  the  street,  an'  bless  me  if 
it  didn't  say  Havana,  so  I  took 
Anna.— r/ic  Owl. 

S 


•J" 


Judge:  Can't  this  case  l»e  set- 
tled out  of  court? 

Kelly :  Sure,  'that's  what  we 
were  trying  to  do,  your  honor, 
when  the  police  intvtrfered. 

—The  Owl. 


Mullikin 
Cash 
Store 


<s> 


College  Girl 
Corselettes 

tor   the   "oorsetless    figure' 
$1.50    to   $3.50 


S:lk   and   Wool   Hose 
$1.50    to   $:3.50 


Satinette  Bloomers 
at   $2.95 


-+ 


A 


nnouncing 

The  Opening 
of  the 


BEST  BILLIARD  PARLOR 

IN  THE  UNIVERSITY  DISTRICT 


We  Handle  Orpheum  Tickets 


621-623  East  Green  St. 

(Over  Twin  City  Cafe) 


CAVANAUGH  BROS. 

—ED.  CAVANAUGH 


+— — — " * 

[29] 


Qi 


35  Wiped  out 
in  cigarettes 

■ 


I 


You  carit  help  but  lljke  idem! 

%ey  are  DIFFERENT -7);ey  are  GOOD 


Polly  Fm  Surprised ! 


Polly  put  the  kettle  on: 
Polly  put  the  kettle  on; 
Polly  put  the  kettle  on  ; 
And  i)ayed  no  further  iittention  toil. 

S 

Dear  Teacher — Now,  Otto,  wiiere  is  <  "haiiii.aii;!!? 
Smart   Otto   —   Near   the   Clianipaiijn    ("ountr.v 


Club. 


i^  —  -"'^-''^^^ 


Prices  on 

STETSON  HATS 

for  FALL 

averaging 

2S%  lower 
than  last  year 


iMMM- 


Stetson  has  always 
taken  particular  pride 
in  college  men's  un- 
failing approval  of 
Stetson  style. 

A  critical  clientele,  and 
one  whose  influence 
makes  itself  felt  far 
beyond    the   campus. 


Stetson  Style 

Stetson  Siaality 

Stetson  Money's  IVorth 

The  same  (ndav  as  for 

56  years  assured 

by  the 

Stetson  Siuality  Mark 
in  E-very  Hat 


STETSON  HATS 

John  B.  Stetson  Company,  Philadelphia 


^■^t 


^V^P^IF^ 


I 


HREN 


Complete 
Satisfaction 


with  your  present 
appearance  is 
dangerous 
Think  it  over ! 


GELVIN'S 

CLOTHES  SHOP 

510  East  Green 
■Clothes  that  Make  the  Man" 


How  About  Taking 
Home 

An  Electrical 

Christmas 

Gift 

Let  )is 

help  you 

decide 

<?> 

Summers  Electric  Co. 

:Ut;  N.  Hickory  St. 

Main    4564  CHAMPAIGN 

"Electrical — Practical — Economical" 


I 

I 

■ 

I 


[31] 


I 


HREN 


"Vee  haf  a  new  l)ai)_v  j^iiil  at  our  lioiise",  said 
the  liappy  male  parent. 

"Veil,  veil",  said  the  listener,  "and  \i>1  did  yiin 
call  her?" 

"Vee  called  lier  'Kose'  ". 

"After  vot  did  you  name  her  dat?" 

"After  she  vass  born". 

S 

Willie — Ma,  wliat  do  tliey  mean  hy  a  "measured 
tread?" 

Mamma  —  For  example,  your  iatlier's  tread, 
wh'.'U  he  came  home  last  night  measuring  about  two 
<|uarts. — Drtrnif  Free  I'rcsis. 


Whistle's  Place 

Formerly  run  by  Dusty  Roads 

( >i(lers  taken  for  all  kinds  of  pastry  and 
tilled  on  sliort  notice 

.">12  E.  Daniel  St. 


I 
I 


C.  O.  WILLIS,  Prop. 


V 


csiRns 


E4rckm§s 

Colorpla*tcs 

PKofo-EngraVings 

^         yo> — 
J'LchJertisino 
jAirposes 

G.R.Grudd  S  Co. 

C  K  a  m  n  a  1  oj  n  .  1 1 1  i  n  o  I  s 


I 


-.4. 


Seven 

Practical 

Xmas 

Gifts 


No  gift  will  be  appreciated  so  much 
by  IlUni  men  and  women  as  a  year's 
subscription  to  one  of  the  following 
campus  publications: 

The  Illinois  Agriculturist 

The  Illinois  Magazine 

The  Technograph 

The  Enterpriser 

The  Daily  Illini 

The  1923  Illio 

The  Siren 


^ 


Yoii  may  subscrilie  for  any  of  the  above 
pviblications  at  the  office  of  the 

Illini  Publishing  Co. 

617  E.  Green  SI. 
CHAMPAIGN 


[32] 


Hiilorf  or  Ctoo\cs  Tide 


How  Were  X^Rays  Discovered? 

SIR  James  Mackenzie  Davidson  visited  Professoi  Roentgen  to  find 
out  how  he  discovered  the  X-rays. 

Roentgen  had  covered  a  vacuum  tube,  called  a  Hittorf  or  Crookes 
tube,  with  black  paper  so  as  to  cut  off  all  its  light.  About  four  yards 
away  was  a  piece  of  cardboard  coated  with  a  fluorescent  compound. 
He  turned  on  the  current  in  the  tube.     The  cardboard  glowed  brightly. 

Sir  James  asked  him:     "VvT-.at  did  you  thmk?" 

"I  didn't  think,  I  investigated,  "  said  Roentgen,  fie  wanted  to 
know  what  made  the  cardboard  glow.  Cnly  planned  expcrim.cnts 
could  give  the  answer.  We  all  know  the  practical  result.  Thousands 
of  lives  are  saved  by  surgeons  who  use  the  X-rays. 

Later  on,  one  of  the  scientists  in  the  Research  Laboratory  of  the 
General  Electric  Company  became  interested  in  a  certain  phenom.enon 
sometimies  observed  in  incandescent  lamps.  Others  had  observed  it, 
but  he,  like  Roentgen,  investigated.  The  result  was  the  discovery 
of  new  laws  governing  electrical  conduction  in  high  vacuum. 

Another  scientist  in  the  same  laboratory  saw  that  on  the  basis  of  those 
new  laws  he  could  build  a  new  tube  for  producing  X-rays  m.ore  effec- 
tively. This  was  the  Coolidge  X-ray  tube  which  m.arked  the  gre::test 
advance  in  the  X-ray  art  since  the  original  discovery  by  Roentgen. 

Thus,  scientific  investigation  of  a  strange  phenomenon  led  to  the 
discovery  of  a  new  art,  and  scientific  investigation  of  another  strange 
phenomenon  led  to  the  greatest  improvement  in  that  art. 

It  is  for  such  reasons  that  the  Research  Laboratories  of  the  General 
Electiic  Company  are  continually  investigating,  continually  cxplorinf^ 
the  unknown.  It  is  new  knowledge  that  is  sought.  But  practical 
results  follow  in  an  endless  stream,  and  in  many  unexpected  ways. 


General  OfiSce  C  O  HI  D  ^  O  V  Schenectady.  N.  Y. 


Gus  Yortzes 


H.  M.  Spang 


■  ■■'      -  ■■"  '^ ' 

1 

: 

v^^-L 

E;t;-iS|!HKiifi^^,  ,,-,-i)y"'.; 

Pi 

J 

il                 ■iiiBf  it§  ^M\-^*-  ^Mte„        '**    ^g^B 

Twin  City  Cafe  No.  2 

The  ILLINI  Tribe 
is  eatherin 


IHE  rallviiij;  ci-y  is 
s  ()  II  II  (1  i  11  i;.  \'ali;iiit 
hraves  and  lieautit'iil 
iiKiideiis  hear  the  call. 
They  hiirrv  iu  from  the  (-did  mist 
of  evening  with  joy  and  expect- 
ancy iu  their  eyes.  The  day's 
Inint  li;;s  been  h)iig;  tliey  are  tired. 


They  are  anxious  to  reacli  the 
camping  phice  where  warm  food, 
heautifnl  mnsic  and  pleasant  sur- 
rounding await  them. 

These  noble  Indians  never  had 
such  a  rallying  jd^ce  as  this 
before. 

No  wonder  they  love  it. 


TWIN  CITY  CAFE 

621  East  Green  ....  Champaign  ....    1\0,    ^ 
Twin  City  Cafe  No.  1—309  N.  Neil  St. 


AT    YOUR    SERVICE    ALL    NIGHT 


JUIEN 


^itLMdi' 


MAR  1 "  1922 


•  EDICATED  TO  NO^'^RNSE,  SATIRE  AND  CRITICISM 


How  shall  we  know  you  winter  maid?    By  your  pink  cheeks? 

Oh  never!   For  oft  in  summer  have  your  cheeks  been  pink. 
By  fair  means  or  by  foul.    Your  furs,  I  think. 

Magnificent,  of  rat,  or  skunk,  or  mink,  are  what  I  know  you  by . 
A  dollar  down — (Don't  frown;  that's  what  you  paid) 

.  .  .  .And  fifty  cents  forever. 


VIID-YEAR  NUMBER 


L^"^-'^'^— ■    . 


MCMXXII 


^ 


^^3^^S: 


a: 


M»»»^WX»*n»**«»»<>^H»<i«ICi^l»**ll»**«*»**«»»*««»»**«»»**'g^^ 


1 


Q 


Don't  Buy  A  Piece  Of  Unfinished  Worsted! 
Buy  A  Masterpiece  Of  Finished  Tailoring! 

Tuxedo  Suits,  $40  to  $50 


Central  Illinois'  Greatest  Store  for  Men 

JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 


33-35-37  Main  Street 


Champaign 


I 


C«p?rl(kt  I92I.  br  A.  9.  ■. 


Mf  •  eie^l»  *  utfttma^'^^ 


¥»^^»^S#»»« 


l««*«H»j 


1(3^3 


I 


Whitman's  famous  candies  are  sold  by 


Vrhana 

Mouyious  Bros. 

University  Pharmacy,  505  S.  Goodwin  St. 

Urbana  Drug  Company,  111  W.  Main  St. 


Champaign 

John  Schuler  &.  Co. 
Arcade  Confectionery 
0.  A.  Thornhill) 


Special 
Illinois 
Package 


JOCEN 


1 


College  Hall 

Barber 

Shop 

HARRY  HARTBANK.  Prop. 


THREE  EXPERT 
BARBERS 


H-m-m-m-m 


What   is  the   tune  the  flappers   hum 
Whenever   they    pass    you    by? 
Dont  work  with   all,  but  then  with 

some. 
What   do   they    hum    and   why? 
A   dainty   hmm,  a  gracious  boon 
Accented   coy   and   wise. 
A   lilting,   dancing,   fairy   tune 
And    innocent    baby    eyes. 
What   is  the  tune,   if  one   at   all? 
A    hymn    or   a    lullaby? 
A   problem   that  will   never  pall. 
What   do  they   hum  and  why? 

—A.    '25. 


UNDER 

COLLEGE 

HALL 


-S- 


I 

I 


''Yes,  father  lived  longer  than 
we  thought  he  would— the  power 
plant  broke  down".— Froth. 


You  will  admire  our 
workmanship  in  all 
lines  of 
Dyeing 

and 
Cleaning 

Garments   Called 

for  and 

Delivered 

Promptly 


Carpets  and  Rugs   Given 
Special  Attention 


PARIS  DYEING  & 
CLEANING  WKS. 

Call  Main  1744 


i 


* — 


._.._. — . .+ 


1 


-..+ 


February  Fourteenth 

VALENTINE  DAY 

Don't   forget   to    send   her   a   nice 
boquet  of  flowers  or  a  corsage 

We  liave  the  best  and   can   send   flowers   to   any 
town    in    the    country 

Piio.xE.s : 
Main  908  —  Garfield  1075 


\Vm.  Jos.  Wcr  tier.  '19.  Manager 


University 

State 

Bank 

OF  CHAMPAIGN 


A  GOOD  BANK 

FOR  ALL 

ILLINI 


[2] 


SIREN 


McEVILLY 
^"^  BROWN 

Shoe  Repairing 

Cleaning  and 
Pressing 


We  cany 

;i  full  line  of  polishes 

and  laces. 


ORPHEUM   BUILDING 
403   EAST   GREEN 


A  Little  Column  of  Young 
Cynicism 

<>:  yuiitli  lifwuie  the  fond  gazelle, 
I'^lse  you  will  iiresently  icf^rct  it. 
In  odicr  (lays  tlu-y  pined  and 

died, 
Hnl    now  tlicy   sue   U<v  cnsli-    ;ind 

yet    it. 

S 

l.st:   I  call  her  the  public  office. 

I'nd  :    Zat  so. 

\s\  :  Vch  slies  al\vay.s  seeking 
I  lie  man. 

S 

"Foiled,"  cui'sed  the  nut  bar  a.s 
the  \vra]ipei-  went  around  it. 
_S 

(tot  anything  to  show  for  yuui- 
birthday? 

( Inly  a  lit  lie  hosiery. 

S 

"1  don't  care  to  keep  that  school 
girl  coniple.vion,"'  said  the  young 
fellow  as  he  dusted  off  his  lapels. 


('<))i((iit   coinvH    irilh    ilcclri- 
(•ill/. — lUrctvic  Al. 

KNOW  contciilMicnt — 
know  electricity. 
Know  the  best  light- 
know  electricity.  Know  the 
way  to  save  labor  and  banish 
drudgery  —  know  electrical 
helps.  Know  the  shop  where 
you'll  get  superior  electrical 
supplies   and    service — know 


|.|:|.lWmj<4J-ITi 


CONSTRUCTION  CD.  INC." 


%ti, 


cr>H:hinq 
1  metrical  * 


DPP.  INMAN  HOTEL. 

fNONE    EAR.  iai3 


..-+ 


Gilliland's  Cafeteria 


The  food  we  serve  is  the  best  that  money  can  buy.  Our  experience  in 
the  selection  of  food  products  is  such  that  you  can  rely  upon  the  kind 
of  a  meal  that  will  be  served  to  you  in  this  new  and  up  to  date  cafeteria 


L 


117  South  Race  Street— Urbana 


[3J 


! 

•4 


SIREN 

Victrola 
Records 


Here  you  may  have  a 
clioice  of  Victrola,  Col- 
umbia or  Brunswick 
records. 


Ask  to  Hear  the  New 

Releases  for 

February 

We  also  have  a  large 
selection  of  string  in- 
struments and 
saxaphones 


G.  W.  Lawrence 

112  West  Main  Street 
URBANA 


»■*  ODE    TO    A    GRECIAN    STEIN 


John  Keats  oncp  caroled  well  about 
The   beauties   of   an   empty   urn, 

And   told    its   graces    in   and   out, 
In   lines  whose  cadences  still   burn. 

Now,   I   would  pick   no  such  for  mine; 

The  vase  I'd  praise,  could  I  begin  it, 
Would  be  a  common  'graceless  stein — 

Provided   there   were   something 
in    it. 


Arcade 

Barber  Shop 

Cushing   Bros.    Prop. 

IN  ORDER 
1 

"Gush" 

2 

"Ray" 

3 

"Sam" 

4 

"Jack" 

Let  us  demonstrate  the 
Scott  Sharpener,  it  gets 
results  from  all  the 
safety  blades  in  exist- 
ence. 

see  "Gush"  He  Knows 


I 


»-♦ 


Moorehead  Furniture 

Company 

Neil  and  University  Avenue 
CHAMPAIGN,  ILL.. 


EVEEYTHING  in  Home  furnishings. 
A  most  complete  line  of  Furniture, 
for  every  room  or  use  in  the  home. 

Featuring  all  requirement  for  Olubs, 
Fraternity,  and  Sorority  houses. 


We  Are  Especially  Well 

Equipped  in  Oui-  Rug 

Department 


^— mi 


[4] 


iiu<^n^ 


I 


JIKEN 


-+  + 


Eversharp 
Headquarters 


We  carry  a  complete  assortment 
of  Eversharp  pencils  comprising 
the  entire  line.  When  you  buy 
don't  he  satisfied  without  having 
seen  all  the  different  styles 
made.  We  carry  them  all. 
If  you  now  possess  an  Evei-sharp 
and  have  need  of  any  repairs  we 
are  equipped  to  take  care  of  you 
promptly.  Come  in  and  see  the 
line,  we  are  glad  to  show  you, 
there  is  no  obligation. 

Wr  Lead  in  Every  Line  We  Carry 

Knowlton  &  Bennett 

Urbana 


TlIK    ORIGINAL— (Never    Duplicated) 


Look  For  the  Three  Cows 


Always  delicious,  iii\ij;(Maliii};  ;uid  re- 
freshing. Health  and  strength  in  every 
glass. 

Ask  for  and  get  "Horlick's"  at  foun- 
tains.    Keep  a  jar  in  your  dormitory, 
frat,  cluh  or  room. 
The    favorite    food    drink    of    students 

and  athletes  for  over  a  tiiird  ccntni-y. 
— Avoid    Substitutes 


I 

1 


Hot  and  Cold 
Ice  Cream 


Eat  ice  cream  in  the  summer  because 
it  is  frozen,  and  will,  in  melting,  elim- 
inate a  certain  amount  of  your  excess 
heat.  Eat  it  in  the  winter  because  the 
butter-fat,  eggs,  and  sugar  iu  ice  cream 
are  all  efficient  heat-producers. 

Only  be  sure  that  the  cream  you  get 
is  ours.  Then  you  can  be  sure  that  it 
not  only  will  have  the  flavor  that  has 
made  it  the  favorite,  but  you  will  have 
the  assurance  that  the  ingredients  will 
be  of  the  highest  standard  of  ([uality 
and  purity.  It  pays  to  insist  on  our  ice 
cream. 

Phones: 
Garfield  2107 
Main  175 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

111-115  E.  University  Street 


The  ARCADE 

CONFECTIONERY 


'Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jimmie" 


+— 


rr.i 


HREN 


Si^n  on  the  Dotted  Line 


— ♦ 


w 


Camel  says;  "You  can  sign  your  name  to  this"; 
and  when  we  read  it  our  thought  was  of  fountain 
pens. 

Sign  on  tlie  dotted  Une.  When  you  touch  your 
pen  to  tlie  paper  does  it  write?  Or  do  you  have  to 
shake  and  cuss  the  thing  to  make  it  flow. 

Conklin,  Sheaffer,  Waterman,  Moore;  these 
pens  are  made  by  firms  who  have  through  years  of 
experience  developed  a  finished  product.  They  are 
represented  by  dealers  throughout  the  United 
States  and  in  Europe. 

We  guarantee  to  fit  yom-  hand,  and  to  see  that 
the  ink  flows  properly.  Our  organization  will  be  here 
permanently. 

For  satisfaction  In  pens  come  to  the 


"Chuck"  Baily 


606  E.  Green 
-Managers — 


'Shelby"  Himes 


I 
+- 


L6J 


J]fi£N 


Scholastic  Pastimes 


> 


The  Geology  Field  Trip 


[7] 


I 


T.  P.  BouRLAND,  Editor;  Geobge  B.  Switzer,  Art  Editor; 
G.  V.  BlCHA^-A^^  Jr.,  Contributing  Editor;  Jack  Tuttle. 
Exchange  Editor;  Hokex  Hoie,   Contributing  Artist. 


J.  A.  NrcKOii.s.  Business  Manager:  R.  R,  Fowi.er,  Assist- 
ant Busiurss  Manager;  R.  J.  Weber,  Advertising  Manager; 
R.  H.  FKRor.so.x,  Cireulation  Manager. 


Editorial  Staff 

A.  L.  Steaus  L.  M.  Stormont 

Agnes  Vbooman    L.  F.  Thicus 
o.  d.  bcbge  d.  c.  axlex 

Chas.  E.  Noye.s 


Business  Staff 


G.  E.  Darling 
R.  E.  Denzel 
C.  R.  Defexbaugh 
Burt  Hltid 
J.  A.  Taylor    . 
Hugh  Fechtman 


Floyd  Mochox 

W.    C.    RUNKLE 

J.  O.  Keth 
Mary  Werts 
Helex  Booth 
Bruce  Cowan 


Art  Staff 

G.  V.  Buchanan  Dorothy  Schdlzb 
Beatrice  Adams    Helen  Hottinger 
Martin  Topper      Constance  Fbeeslan 
M.  R.  Marx  C.  W.  Baughman 

J.   J.  Bresee  Elizabeth    Boggs 


i 


Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year.  Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the 
postoffice  at.Urbana,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879.  Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price,  $1.50  the 
year  local,  $1.75  by  mail.    Address  all  communications  to   106  University   Hall,  Urbana,  Illinois. 


trope  it  was  necessary  to  repeat  all  that  came  before,  be- 
ginning with  the  letter  A.  So  the  learjjed  one  departed, 
saying  that  he  would  straightway  memorize  the  Brittanica 
backward,  so  that  Z  might  be  as  accessible  as  A.  Whereat 
he  who  desired  enlightment  as  to  Zeotropes  uttered  ribald- 
ries and  threw  mudballs.  There  is  no  moral,  for  are  not 
final  examinations  given  and  taken  in  all  our  best  reg- 
ulated  colleges? 


On  the  New  Year 


And  this  is  nineteen  twenty-two!  May  it  bring  your- 
selves and  ourselves  and  all  of  us  that  felicity  which  we 
so  richly  deserve,  but  which  unfortunately  exists  in  great 
part  only  in  Christmas  tests. 

Nineteen  twenty-two!  A  quiz  or  so,  and  a  bit  more 
snow,  and  then  Spring.  So  the  days  will  drift,  until  we 
find  ourr-elves  in  a  new  winter,  with  new  hopes  for  a  new 
year.  And  another  blase  young  man  will  write  a  similar 
effete  editorial. 


In  non-reading  communities,  the  writing  of  editorials 
is  diverting  and  harmless. 


On  the  Late  Unpleasantness 

It  is  related  that  in  a  far  country  a  man  once  mem- 
orized the  Encyclopoedia  Brittanica.  After  performing  this 
amazing  labor  he  fared  forth  to  dis  eminate  knowledge  to 
all  who  thirsted.  The  first  man  he  met  desired  to  know 
what  a  Zeotrope  might  be.  The  learned  on  thereupon  dis- 
covered that  before  he  could  repeat  the  definition  of  Zeo- 


On  Fraternity  Back  Yards 

The  front  door:  well-kept  parkings,  swept  walks, 
smooth  terraces,  trimmed  hedges,  polished  shoes,  welcom- 
ing hands. 

The  back  door:  ash  cans  and  ash  cans,  ashes  with- 
out cans,  cans  without  ashes,  torn  paper,  old  shirts,  bot- 
tle:=,  busted  furniture,  busted  bed-springs,  litter,  litter, 
ashes  to  ashes. 

In  the  sacred  name  of  your  future  wives,  gentlemen, 
tidy  up! 


On  an  Obligation 


It  is  now  time,  and  past  time,  I  think,  for  the  first 
installment  of  the  Stadium  notes  to  be  paid.  No  doubt 
I  am  but  repeating  what  the  Illini  has  by  now  said  often 
— but:  Be  good  children,  and  keep  your  obligation.  You 
signed  the  note.  Borrow  if  necessary.  I,  for  one,  have 
borrowed  in  less  worthy  causes. 

Do  not,  hypothetical  reader;  take  these  remarks  in 
a  personal  sense.  I  know  right  well  you  pay  your  debts. 
These   remarks  are,   as   usual,  for   the   other   fellow. 


[8] 


JIREN 


On  Traditions 


■■'Tis  a  line  bright  morning;  let's  go  out  and  inaug- 
urate some  traditions!" 

Of  course,  my  friend,  1  agree  with  you.  Damn  tradi- 
tions— especially  those   that   do  not  exist. 

And  above  all,  let  us  not  confuse  them  with  insur- 
ance regulations. 

To  look  for  a  flock  of  traditions  at  this  fine  young 
democratic  institution  of  ours  is  as  preposterous  as  to 
expect  wisdom   teeth   in   the   head  of  an   infant-in-arms. 


On  Soup  and  Fish 


Wisely  and  well,  somebody  eliminated  flowers  and 
favors  from  the  schedule  of  the  fraternity  formal.  They 
were  too  expensive.  Undemocratic,  too,  someone  said — 
but  that's  another  rtory. 

Now  the  formal  as  formalled  by  our  best  fratties, 
consists  of  three  elements  superimposed  upon  the  informal, 
namely:  flowers,  favors,  and  the  dress  suit.  The  dress 
:  uit  remains. 

Here  in  our  native  pastures,  the  dress  suit,  and  eke 
the  "tux" — ,  is  not  the  customary  garb  for  evening  wear, 
as  it  is  in  some  other  communities.  We  dont  seem  to 
run  to  that  sort  of  thing.  And  yet,  once  or  twice  in  a 
year,  we  create  for  ourselves  a  situation  to  which  dress 
clothes  are  arbitrarily  fitting. 

Why  doesn't  Pan  Hell,  or  whatever  they  call  it,  take 
steps   to  eliminate   the   fraternity   formal? 
It's  all  so  stupid. 


On  Seminars  and  Things 


Why   is  a   reserve  shelf? 


An  Announcement 

On  March  27th,  or  thereabouts,  Theta  Sigma  Phi. 
woman's  honorary  journalistic  fraternity,  intends  to  or- 
ganize, edit,  and  sell  an  issue  of  the  Siren.  It's  been  done 
before,  and  awfully  well,  and  one  looks  forward  to  that 
issue  with  much  interest.  Women — as  you'll  find  out  be- 
fore you're  much  older — have  a  sense  of  humor. 


On  Ourselves 


Have  you  an  opinion  about  this  Siren  thing? 

Now  and  then  word  comes  that  Smith  thinks  the 
Siren  too  highbrow,  or  that  Schmidt  deems  it  too  slap- 
stick,   or    that   Jonps    scornes    Siren    as    immoral,    or    that 


Miss  Jones  discerns  a  certain  lack  of  "snap.  "    Word  conies. 
I  say,  but  never  directly. 

If  you  happen  to  have  an  opinion  of  your  own.  it 
might  help  matters  to  express  it  frankly  in  writing.  Send 
it  to  the  "office"  or  to  l''u/,zy's  "Others  Opinions"  or  slip 
it  under  the  editor's  pillow  while  he  sleeps.  Naturally, 
your  opinion  would  b€  highly  interesting  and  vital  to  the 
Old  Girl  (I  am  beginning  to  dislike  that  term  "old  girl') 
and  might  result  in  a  long  desired  reform. 

******** 

In  Praise  of  a  Contemporary 

"In  aimless  wandering  the  other  day  one  found  him- 
self in  the  excessively  orderly  Illio  office,  in  converse  with 
Mr.  Henry,  editor.  One  was  shown  a  deal  of  proof  of 
pictures  planned  for  the  big  annual,  and  one  admits  that 
lie  was  impressed.  Truly  and  really,  exceeding  good  taste 
is  being  used  in  the  Ulio  this  year,  and  one  predicts  that 
it  will  be  notably  more  than  a  Who's  ^^'^lo  for  Blind 
Daters. 

***»»*»• 

We  View  With  Alarm 

The  Sophomore  Cotillion  has  been  duly  viewed  with 
alarm.  Father  lUini  has  mourned  properly  over  the  little 
slipups  of  the  committee.  The  usual  inve:tigation  has  had 
the  usual  impressive  and  salutary  outcome.  It  remains 
that  the  Siren  place  a  period  on  the  lugubrious  sentence, 
sprinkle  new  sand  on  the  gory  arena,  cotton  up  the 
corpse's  mouth,  and  call   it  a  day.    Thus: 

Ya  a-a-a-ah!    They  didn't  even  give  the  editor  a  pass. 

Tiens.  tiens!     We   forgot   to  spur  the  Illini  thi  ■   trip! 


On  a  Recent  Change 


Morgan  L.  Fitch,  formerly  business  manager  of  the 
Siren,  graduated  last  month,  packed  his  grip,  and  left.  He 
laboreth  now  in  the  vineyard  Chicago,  and  ....  the 
editor  is  now  saving  his  pennies  for  a  journey  thence, 
about  the  twenty-fifth  instant,  there  to  observe  the  cere- 
mony which  will  place  Morgan  in  the  ever  increasing 
category  of  Sidekicks  Who  Married.  We  rejoice  with  him 
and  wi:h  him  well  and  assert  that  he  is  one  of  the  most 
top  notch  gentlemen  and  zippy  managers  that  ever  graced 
a  Siren  staff.  And  under  this  amiable  and  accurate  senti- 
ment lies  a  deep  pool  of  regret,  for  Morgan  has  been 
a  good  friend  and  has  done  much  for  the  Siren,  and — 
q.e.d. — he  is  going  the  way  of  seventy-three  percent  of  the 

editor's  friends. 
********* 

Now — Le  Roi  est  mort!  Vive  le  Roi!  With  the  same 
fin.  Siren  welcomes  her  new  manager,  A.  J.  Nuckolls, 
familiarly  known  by  the  aristocratic  title  of  "Duke". 
Duke  is  a  keen  young  bu"iness  man  with  curly  hair. 
He  likes  conversation,  coca-cola,  Sunday  evening  tea, — 
and  he  sells  a  wicked  ad.  So,  Dame  Siren,  swim  on.  'Vour 
water-wings  will   he  kept  inflated  till  June  do  us   part. 


[9J 


JIREN 


A  Homely  Discourse  on  the  Woodshed 


By  Vernon  Knait 


Do  I  remember  the  old  wood-^lied'  All,  will  I 
ever  forget  it?  I  have  hut  to  dose  my  eyes  aiul  see 
my  dad  crooking  the  second  tingcr  of  his  right  hand 
and  bending  it  back  and  forth,  for  me  to  follow  him. 
Yes,  and  I  can  see  him  slowly  turning  the  wooden 
button  of  the  battered  door  to  the  shed.  Then  my 
eyes  follow  him  as  he  enteis  the  structure  and  as 
he  pauses  his  arms  akimljo,  to  choose  his  weapon 
from  the  pile  of  tough  hickory  in  the  corner.  Even 
now,  my  head  hangs  down  in  shame,  just  as  it  did 
when  I  dragged  one  foot  slowly  after  the  other  into 
my  palace  of  inquisition  in  the  wake  of  dad.  And  I 
can  hear  the  sparrows,  perched  on  the  rafters,  laugh- 
ing among  themselves  about  the  drama  they  are 
about  to  witness.  How  I  hated  those  grinning  birds 
at  these  moments.  Too,  I  remember  the  spiders, 
stretched  languidly  on  their  silken  network.  And 
wished  heartily  I  were  a  spider  and  free  from  these 
unpleasant  moments.  And  then — but  why  dally  on 
my  introduction  to  the  hickory?  It  as  such  a  per- 
sonal affair.  A  word  on  the  results  though  hardly 
less  painful  will  be  more  pleasing  in  many  ways.  I 
must  hurry  for  the  curtain  of  obscurity  is  blotting 
OTit  the  last  act  in  which  I  am  eating  my  dinner 
from  off  the  mantle. 

II. 

Do  I  remember  the  old  wood-shed?  Ah,  Will 
I  ever  forget  it?  Jack  Burrows — he  was  my  nine 
year  old  playmate — and  I  loved  it  with  undying 
affection.  Each  morning  we  ran  down  the  little 
stone  path  that  led  to  our  world  of  make-believe. 
It  wasn't  a  shed  to  us;  it  was  hatever  we  cared  to 
make  it.  At  times  the  musty,  cob-webbed  interior 
was  a  battlefield  on  which  we  waged  our  battles. 
Jack  was  an  Indian  and  built  forts  of  good  old 
hickory  logs,  I,  an  American,  stormed  the  ramparts 
with  corn  cobs  and  captured  the  bad  red  man. 
Sometimes  a  stray  cob  woidd  Iiit  one  of  us  in  the 
eye  and  we  woidd  cry — cry  only  as  a  boy  can  cry 
— big  wet  tears  that  soon  dried  on  a  happy,  dirty 
face.  On  other  days  we  were  circus  performers. 
Eroni  the  dizzy  heights  of  a  hickory  bar,  four  feet 
from  the  flour,  we  plunged  without  fear  into  a  pile 
of  tundijing  corn  cobs.  How  important  we  were. 
The  wiirld  was  ours — our  wood-shed. 


-S- 


We  feel  sorry  for  the  poor  gink  that  ate  so  many 
raisins,  "little  nuggets  of  food  iron." — (Adv.,)  that 
he  got  rusty  inside.  I  have  heard  that  water  if  drunk 
in  to  large  a  quantity  would  do  the  same  thing 
though. 

S 

Bill  Gillette   (no  relation  to  the  safety  razor) 
secretary    to    Vic    Kranert,   when    asked   what    he 
thought   of  the   Turkish   atrocities   said   he   didn't 
know,  he  liad  never  smoked  any  of  them. 
S ^ 

''A  prohibitionist,"  says  the  office  cockroach, 
"is  a  guy  that  thinks  what  I  drink  is  going  to  hurt 
his  stomach." 

S — 

Trinkled 

By  Larry 

'•Delicious  juice  I    Ze  fount  of  pleasure  I 

I  love  the  richness  zat  is  thine. 

And  from  ze  grape  of  Flanders  vineyards 

Each  crystal  drop  comes,  sparkling,  fine — 

My  friends,  I  am  indeed  a  lover, 

A  connoisseur  of  old  French  wine." 

Old  Herrmann  Fricnstein  tliouf/lit  il  (/rdcionx 

To  laud  a  nation's  drink  so  Mglt. 

The  Frenchman's  toast  toas  all  qidlc  siiniilc. 

And  Hermann  thought  that  he  mUjht  try 

To  laud,  the  Vaterland's  fair  l)cverafjc. 

Thus  with  the  Frenchman  he  did  vie: 

"Ach !    Good  old  Lager,  mild  und  mellow ; 

Id  fills  me  full  mit  much  good  cheer. 

Besides  the  hop  fieldts  flows  de  lihine  by, 

Gifing  each  dnqt  a  sveetness  dear — 

Mine  friends,  Icli  bin  indeed  a  Infer, 

Ein  common  sew'r  of  Cherman  beer." 


Traditions 


Add  softest  jobs : — 

"Stoker  for  a  fireless  cooker" 
Traffic  cop  in  Tolona. 


.  The  Three  O'clock 


[10] 


HREN 


The  Musings  of  Morpheus  Mudd 


The  Shortest  Drama 

Scene:    On  way  to  fodtljall  game. 
First  Student:   Have  yon  got  yonr  con|K>n  liook 
with  yon? 

Second  Student :   A. A. 

S 


ir  you'd  lain  lie  truly  wise.  Ite  ([uiel  :  and  jiliiloso- 
phise. 

(Hi  emulate,  my  friends,  my  ))ose,  as  "ueilli  my  daisy- 
plant  I  doze. 

Now  here's  a  thing  I've  tiniuglit  about:  wliy  is  it, 

when  a  girl's  iu  dould 
AI)out  her  next  blind  date  or  so,  she  looks  \\\>  last 
year's  Illio? 

And  why,  whenever  people  find  some  object  that's 

been  left  behind. 
Such  as  a  broken  down  wliite  m\ile.  a  hearse,  a  tub, 

a  milking  stool, 
A  Christmas  tree,  a  worn  out  still — oh  where,  T  ask. 

where  lies  the  thrill 
In  leaving  these,  in  mii'th  ami  glee,  uiiou  llic  jiorch 

of  Alpha  Xi? 

I     On  Monday  morn  I  like  to  cat  a  lofty,  solid  stack 
of  wheat; 
It   braces   one   where   bracing's    needed:    and    over- 
work, thereby,  'simjjeded. 

I    will   not  graduate  in  -Inne:  I  co\ddii'l   leave  (his 

spot  so  soon ; 
1   started  here  in  nineteen   three:   (lie  scliool  seems 

(piite  attached  to  me. 

«  $  -5'  i:-  -5  *  {>  -s  ^■ 

Some  years  ago  the  peg-topped  pant  enswathed  both 
wise  and  ignorant ; 

^      ,               ,  ,,            ,,  .      ^,       ,      .     1  1-     +.  Ami  now,  it  seems,  thev're  back  to  stav — save  that 

Isadore    ami  hsmeralda,  m    the    Inst    delicate                                                 ■ 

.,,,,.                ,,     ,  •     .    .•         1   .1    .    <i,  ,.              thev  re  on  the  other  wav. 

flush  ot  glornms  youth,  have  just  found   that   the\ 

have  something  in  couiuion.    Isadore  .so  far  forgot 

himself  as  to  order  first— a  cool,  sparkling  coke  he      Vet  e'en  a  philosoph  like  me  liiids  it  impossii)le  to 

ordered;  Esmeralda  understood  at  once.    Soon — as.  see 

reader,  you  may  judge  by  the  new  look  of  wonder  in      Uow  any  self  respecting  guy  can  wear  a  Stretchan- 

their  large  and   e.\i)ressivc  eyes,   friendship   might.  Snap  bow  tie. 

iii'nihi.  mind  you.  ripen  into  love  ....  do  you  want 

them  all  buckled'/ 

S 


>^-'.\ 


I'  "^-"' 


A  very  frivolous  flapper  said  she  had  such  a 
good  lime  over  Thanksgiving  that  she  was  going  to 
■■^tav  over  Christmas. 


[llj 


J]S£N 


The  House  That  Jack  Built 


Hy  a.  ]..  s. 


f;^^ 


^^^^ 


This  is  the  house  that  Jack  built 


I 


This  is  the  ring  that  Tom  bought 
for  the  girl  that  has  promised  to 
live  in  the  House  that  Tom  built. 


This  is  the  house  that   Didv  built 


This  is  the  ring  that  Jaclv  bought 
for  the  girl  that  has  promised  to 
live  in  the  House  that  Jack  l)uilt. 


This  is  the  ring  that  Dick  bought  S 

for  the  girl  that  has  promised  1o     This  is  the  girl  that  has  the  ring 
live  in  the  House  that  Dick  built.     ^^'1^»  '''''**  pronnsed  to  live  ni  the 

House  that  Tom  built 


This  is  the  hou.se  that  Tom  built 


This  is  the  girl  that  has  the  ring 
who  has  promised  to  live  in  the 
House  that  Jack  built 


This  is  the  man  wlio  supplied  the 
materials  to  build  the  houses  that 
Jack,  Dick  and  Tom  built. 


This  is  the  man  who  sold  the  rings 
to  give  to  the  girl  that  promised 
to  live  in  the  Houses  that  Jack, 
Dick  and  Tom  built 


This  is  the  lather  ol'  I  he  girl  who 
has  the  rings  and  has  promised  to 
live  in  the  Houses  that  Jack,  Dick 
and  Tom  built 


[12] 


This  is  the  husband  of  the  girl 
who  has  the  rings  and  has  prom- 
ised to  live  in  the  Houses  that 
Jack,  Dick  and  Tom  built. 


jniEN 


The  Naming  of  the  Hen 


Adaiii,  ill  tlie  early  part  of  his  staj'  in  Edi-n,  had  tlio  tasic  of  iiaiiiiiij;  flic  animals.  In  strollinf>  11iroii<;li 
tlic  delectable  f^ardeiis  one  day,  he  saw  an  egs-  He  looked  at  it  fixidly,  and  saw  that  it  was  a  hen's  cjjj;. 
Seeing  the  creature  that  had  laid  the  egg  close  hy,  he  obviously  named  that  creature  the  Hen. 


Glass  Houses 


I  had  to  have  a  book  about  the  Czar; 
I  sought  it  in  the  English  Seminar: 
Within  the  conlines  of  that  musty  place 
A  pair  of  tortoise  goggles  graced  each  face. 
Below  each  thoughtful  forehead  two  glass  panes 
Bore  witness  to  the  wearer's  tj-pe  of  brains : 
I  chuckled :    then  remembered — I,  poor  trout, 
Wore  turtle  shells  myself. 

I  tiptoed  out. 


I  sat  within  the  College  Cokerie, 

Talking  with  friends  of  student  gaucherie. 

"But  see"  I  said,  "these  fellows,  rough  and  crass, 

How  boorish  they  all  are,  indeed !   What  brass 

Rings  in  their  voices !   Well-a-day ! 

Young  people  had  some  manners  in  my  day!" 

I  saw  some  friend.    Head  covered,  with  a  shout. 

I  called  "Hey,  there!"  .... 

and   tiptoed  gently  out. 


In  fact,  whenever  I  do  air  my  views, 
I   tumble  into  some  poor  sinners  shoes; 
Thereat  my  friends  and  foes  do  jibe  and  flout. 
All  I  can  do  is  blush, 

and  lipioc  ftul. 

[13] 


JOKEN 

A  Villanelle  of  Yesterday 
Evening 

By  Chas  E.  Noyes 

Your  ruby  mouth  is  far  too  sweet — 
I  will  not  kiss  your  mouth  tonight. 
For  I  am  young,  I  am  effete. 

With  faded  flowers  we  should  greet 
The  gibbous  moon's  pale,  gastly  light. 
Your  ruby  mouth  is  far  too  sweet. 

Deep,  pas-ionate  roses  may  not  meet 
My  cold  desire,  my  calm  delight, 
For  I  am  young,  1  am  effete. 

I  would  roam  with  winged  feet 
Where  Dian  sees  the  mystic  rite; 
Your  ruby   mouth  is  far  too   sweet. 

In  vain,  in  vain  the  passions  beat 
Against  the  moonlight,  cold  and  white. 
Your  ruby  mouth  is  far  too  sweet. 
For   I  am  young,   I  am   effete. 

s 

The  Changeling 


Nouplussed  Mother:  That's  no 
child  of  mine! 

S 

Inquisitive  Old  Lady:  "Now 
tell  me  about  your  first  success". 

Wearied  Young  Author :  "Well, 
you  see,  madam,  I  was  crossing 
the  ocean  last  summer  and  was  a 
contributor  to  the  Atlantic''. 
S 

Ballfleur  (gallantly)  —"Have 
you  this  dance'?" 

Wallflower     ( demurely )  —"Not 

yet". 

S 

Old  Beau :  "Yes,  dearest,  I  have 
a  million  dollars  but  I'm  sixty- 
eight;  do  you  think  I'm  too  old 
for  you'?" 

Deb.:  "Not  at  nil;  about  ten 
years  too  young". 


from  tfte 
BoTieyard 


Down    restless   eddies   swirled 
A    mess    of   torn    paper 
And  typewriter  ribband 
And    this   wraith,,   who    saith: 


When    I   worked   on   the   lllini 
My    name   was 
Agamemnon    Fish,    but    now 
They   call    me   much,   oh   much, 
More   than    Fish.    You   see 
I    wrote    their  criticisms. 
(Somebody    had    to    v/rite    'em) 
When  the  auditorium 
Resounded    to   sweet   melody 
I   had  to  be  there 
Taking    notes.     But   alas. 
The    Star    Course    arranged 
A    balailaika   recital,  and    I 
Took  notes  as  usual. 
The    notes   were    printed. 
Then:     nine    Russians,   four 
Hawaiieans,    two    Creations, 
And  five    Music   Schoolers 
Wrote   at   length   to 
Other's  Opinions.    So 
The   Boneyard   got   me. 
(What    is    a    balailaika,    anyhow? 

[141 


Those  Changin'  Blues 

Gosh,  I'm  lonely,  gee  I'm  blue 
Haven't  got  a  thing  to  do 
Wish  to  Heaven  I  were  dead 
No  more  books  to  tire  my  head. 
What'd  you  say,  the  telephone? 
Tell  the  boob  I'm  not  at  home. 
Wait  a  minute,  guess  I'll  go 
This   you   Jack'?     Hello,   hello! 
Yes,  I  hear  you.  What'd  you  say? 
oh,  of  course,  whj'  sure  you  may. 
Uhni,  I'd  love  to — half  past  eight- 
Hot  dog,  girls,  I've  got  a  date! 
The  Dumb  Bell. 

S 


Itch — "Why  does  a  date  with  a 
co-ed  resemble  a  Ford?" 

Scratch — "Because  it's  fierce 
when  she  won't  go  and  sometimes 
fierce  when  she  does". 

S 


We  Quit  With  Us 


(^^^OJUi^ 


1.  Shall  we  dine  at  the  Drake? 

2.  Oh,  that  would  be  just 
ducky! 

^S 

"Someone's  stolen  a  march  on 
us,"  wailed  the  salesgirl  to  the 
nianager  of  the  music  dept. 

S 

"They  tell  me  that  the  player 
at  the  bat  married  for  money". 

"Yes;  and  its  the  best  liomo  he 
ever  stole,  believe  me". 


JIREN 


The  Return  of  the  Native 


A  Jazz  Epic  in  Five  Parts 


She  is  Seen  at 
Bradleys 

Tlicia:  she  chats — 
Hia.lk'y  Hall- 
Weekly  ball— 
IO\ei'  seen 
Such  a  queen? 
All  the  beaux 
^^'ait  ill  rows. 
(She  stokes  her 
I-book  with 
A  shovel. t 
Idolizeil,  prized, 
Syiiiiiathized 
AVith.  Danced  with 
To  a  blister- 
Ooooii  I  Mister! 
Ah  nie.  what  a  game. 
Life  is.  Oh!,  her  name? 
Kffie  Lou. 
i^hut  up.  you're  jealous 

She  Takes  a  Train 

Where  you  (join,'  Effie 

Louf 
I've  a  slough  of  things 

to  do — 
Buy  a  hair-uet,  one  or  two — 
Buy  a  hair-net,  one  of  two— 
For  I"m  going  home  to  stay 
For  the  Christmas  holiday. 
Do  i/ou  love  me,  Effie  Lou? 
Silly  boy!    Of  course  I  do! 
Here's  the  pin  I  wear  for  you. 
Sticking  to  my  heart  like  glue. 
Silly  boy!    Of  course  I  do. 
/  tmll  miss  you,  Effie  Lou. 
Oh!   and  I  will  miss  you  too! 
But  two  weeks  are  over  soon; 
Then  again  we'll  watch  the  moon 
Kise  on  Crystal  Lake  lagoon. 
(Handsome  is  as  handsome  does) 
When'd  you  say  that  formal  was? 
A'/x.\  me  'hye  then,  Eff'ie  Lou. 
A\'hat  a  .shocking  thing  to  do! 
(Then  the  Big  Four  whistle  blew.) 

She  Resumes  Gingham 

J>owii   in  Oingliaiii,  Illinois, 
Flanked  by  several   local  boys, 


1 


Paw  awaits  the  midnight  train. 
(Effie's  coming  home  again.) 
Christmas   morning,    bright   and 

early, 
Maw  remarked,   ''Whj-,  bless  the 

girlie, 
Let  her  sleep,  Paw,  if  she  wishes ; 
I'll  red  up  the  breakfast  dishes." 
Christmas  night  the  neighbors 

caU. 
Effie  entertains  them  all. 
••Play  •Ben  Bolt'  again,''  they  saj'. 
The  cottage  organ  whines  away. 
On  the  horse-hair  sofy  sat 
Arthur  John,  who  nursed  his  hat. 
Over  by  the  album  stood 
Grampa  Joliann  Jacol)  (Jude. 
But  to  Lou,  conflicting  forces 
Were  as  tame  as  wooden  horses. 
Sweetly  sim])le  when  with  Maw, 
Simply  sweet  when  she's  witli 

Paw, 
Divinely  kind  with  Artlnir  Jolin - 
So  llie  liolidays  wear  on. 

nr.i 


She  Takes  a  Train 

I'lltr: 

Here's  your  money; 

Make  it  last! 

.Uuir: 

wear  "em,  oney, 

Summer's  past. 

(Innn/ui : 

U'hen  I  was  young 

That's  all  we  wore. 

Ain'd  that  dum"  train 

Due  at  four? 

Arthur  John : 

10 llie  Lou, 

I'll  miss  you. 

You'll  be  true' 

Effie  Lou:    (absently) 

Silly  boy. 

Of  course  I  do. 

See — your  pin — 

I  mean  your  ring. 

I'll  be  true  as 

Anj'thing. 

All: 

Elfie,  Effie,  Effie  Lou— 

Then  the  Bifj  Four 

Whistle  blew. 

She  is  Seen  at  Bradleys 

There  she  chats.    Bi-adley  Hall. 
January.   Weekly  ball. 
Dressed  up  boys.    Sailor  pants. 
Flock  around  bef(u-e  each  dance. 
There  she  dances. 


Effie  IjOU, 

Do  you  love  me,  Effie  Lou? 
silly  boy,  of  course  I  do.' 


The  Front  Row  in  Arcady 

"Class,  hereafter  vim   will   take  seats  l)y  alplialictical   arrangement. 
You  have  liecii  arianjied  al|ilr.iheautifiilly  c|iiit('  long  enough  I'' 


^ 


^ 


^ 


Hysteria  Romantistica 


She  east  herself  upon  the  lounge  and  wept. 
Bitter  tears  eiept  preoipitatingly  from  her  juicy 
eyes.  As  they  made  their  way  down  her  rosy  cheeks 
and  into  her  mouth  she  decided  that  they  were 
even  more  hitter  than  usual.  A  little  too  salty  per- 
haps; she"d  have  to  see  her  occulist  about  it. 

With  her  dainty  handkerchief  she  dabbed  futily 
at  the  torrent.  John  had  wondered  where  all  the 
tahleclothes  weut.    ISTow  he  knew. 

John  paced  up  and  down  the  room.  To  the 
casual  observer,  he  appeared  to  be  walking,  but  she 
knew  that  he  was  pacing.  He  did  it  often.  He 
reached  the  wall  and  found  he  could  pace  no  further. 
Consequeutly  he  turned,  showing  the  rare  horse 
sense  that  John  embodied.  I  am  sure  it  was  horse 
sense  because  John  was  like  a  horse.  You  could 
drive  him  to  water  but  yon  couldn't  make  liim  drink 
it. 

He  blew  his  rubicund  nose  profoundly. 


"Darling,"  he  grasped,  his  voice  choked  with 
commotion,  "let  me  sliow  my  love  for  j'ou.  Put  me  to 
the  test  I  implore  you.  Y'ou  can  trust  me.  You 
know  that  you  can  trust  me,  what  is  it  that  is 
tearing  at  your  heart?" 

In  the  meantime  she  was  tearing  her  hair.  John 
slipped  and  tore  his  trousers.  They  were  on  quite 
a  tear. 

He  came  closer. 

"Cease,  I  beg  of  you,"  he  implored,  dropping  to 
his  knees,  "let  me  do  something  to  stop  your  weep- 
ing." 

"John,"  she  gushed,  dropping  another  mouth- 
ful of  tears,  "if  I  only  thought  that  you  could." 

"You  can  trust  me,"  said  the  escaped  convict 
again. 

"Th-th-then  John,  see  if  you  can  fill  this  pre- 
scription." 

—A.   L.   STRAUS 


[16] 


JIREN 


Hiawatha's  Lesson 


By  Sam"!..  I'lon.Kss 


l)a\vii  it  was  and  from  tlie  conifiekls 
By  the  swiftly  flowing  Boneyard, 
Trudged  the  mighty  Hiawatha 
leaden  with  the  hooks  of  learning. 
From  the  region  of  the  gas-house, 
\\'liere  the  sky  is  ever  murky, 
Slione  resplendant  in  the  heavens 
.Mighty  Sol,  the  flaming  beacon: 
(Beacon  says  the  hard,  not  haconj, 
Sending  down  his  warming  radiance 
On  the  pumpkins  and  the  squashes 
Aye  upon  the  limbs  of  pippins 
A^'llo,  to  eight  o'clocks  were  wending 
(iummy  eyed,  with  hair  unparted; 
And  the  mighty  Hiawatha 
Slowly  from  the  corn  fields  trudging. 
Saw  the  damsels  all  be-laden 
And  his  heart  in  anguish  smote  him. 
For  they  too,  though  weak  and  weary 
From  the  heavy  toil  of  dancing. 
From  the  moil  of  heavy  studies 
With  the  Phi  Gams  and  the  Betas, 
Were  encumbered  with  the  volumes 
Wherein  Freud  and  Smith  disported 
For  the  benefit  of  children ; 
And  aloud  cried  Hiawatha, 
Wailing  at  the  age  of  cavedom 
When  the  pale  faced  squaws  would  stagger 
Under  burdens  which  the  men  folk 
Should  be  fetching  at  their  pleasure; 
And  bemoaning  so  he  entered 
Into  all  his  sundry   classes. 
^\■hen  the  eve'n  shades  were  falling 
Came  the  learned  Hiawatha 
Out  from  musty  paths  of  learning 


And  again  to  realms  of  living; 
Twinkled  now  llic  arc  liglifs  radiance 
<Jiiit('  disjilacing  the  old   sun   god 
Save  in  certain  darkened  corners 
Where  a   desultory  snigger 
Told  the  l)i-a\c  lliat   man  and  niaidcii 
\\'ere  foregathered  there  for  necking 
Far  from  Shorty  Fay  and  trouble; 
And  in  awe  stood  Hiawatha 
For  he  saw  the  comely  maidens 
\\itli  their  braxcs  u|toii  their  elbows 
Starting  for  the  paths  of  pleasure; 
And  behold  they  were  not  laden 
As  before  he  had  beheld  them, 
For  each  gallant    for  his  lady 
Staggered  under  diverse  bundles 
'Which  contained  their  I'onge  and  powder- 
Tlius  they  wended  down  the  highwavs. 


Then  upsjiake  the  noi)le  warrior, 
"Sooth  and   I   was  quite  mistaken, 
Homance  has  not  yet  departed, 
(ientlemen  ai-e  not  extinct  yet; 
But  I  learn  l)y  careful  watching 
Tiiat  the  time  of  gentle  actions 
Is  hut  limited  to  niiihtfall." 


Tims  sjjake  gentle  Hiawatha 
As  he  vanished  in  the  cornfield 
And  an  echo  fluttered  to  us 
Minnie,  ah!  where  are  you  Minnie? 
And  the  echo  answered 
Ha!  Ha! 


-^ 


ri7i 


HREN 


Doubt 

By  O.  D.  B. 


Halt'-sighs  and   stifled  kis" 
Faint  perfumes — swish  of  lace 
Grave  lad  and  laughing  miss — 
A  dimlit,   smiling  face   .... 
The  smile — half-sad,  half-weary 
Gives  memory  and  stirs 
My  heart  to  troubled  query! 
Your  fare,   or  his,   or  hers? 

s 

"My  good  man,  you  bad  better 
take  the  trolley  car  home." 

"Sh'  no  ushe !  My  wife  wouldn't 
let  me -hic-keep  it  in  th'  houshe." 

S 

He — "Don't  go.  You're  leaving 
me  entirely  without  reason." 

She — "I  always  leave  things  as 
I   find   them.'" — Punch    Bowl. 


A  Day 


By  Charles  E.  Noyes 


Buildings 

I'liiversity  Hall — 

Stajuling  disrcpu table. 

Old,  sliaky  and  very  ugly. 

With  tire  escapes  ciawliiig 

Along  its  sides. 

Tlie  Chem  building — 

Kooms  of  liorrible  stenclics. 

Stewing  acids  and  alkalies, 

Must. 

And  wise  i)rofessors 

Showing  fresliman  girls 

How  to  bend  glass. 

Tlie  Auditorium — 

A  slaty  dome, 

Raising  itself  into 

A  grudging  sky. 

Room  of  concerts, 

I'lays,  dances,  classes, 

Soiuetiiing  to  bo  called 

AniiLsement. 


Classes 

A  complacent  instructor 

Drawling  jdatitudes 

And  dispensing  semi-worthless 

Information 

To  a  sleepy  and 

Unappreciative 

Audience, 

Of  flappers,  tortoise-shells. 

And  bandoline. 


The  Bell 

After    minutes    of    restless    move- 
ment, 
(iathering  togetiier  of  books, 
Talking,  and  shuttling  of  feet, 
A  sudden  stampede 
Leaves  the  irritated  professor 
In  the  middle  of  a  sentence. 


Board  Walk 

Innumerable  galoshes. 
Passing  and  re-passing. 
Between  Uni-Hall 
And  Lincoln  Hall. 
Hurrj'ing  ycning  men 
Stepping  iu  between  coeds 
And  instructors. 
Like  fast  roadsters 
Dodging  traffic 
On  Michiu;an  Boulevard. 


Confectionery 

All  talking  in 

One  vast  river  of 

Slush. 

Couples  on  dates, 

AVise  ones  to  the  seminars. 

Social  ones  to  the  Lib ; 

It  is  after  3  .-OO  o'clock. 

And  we  can  walk 

On  the  grass. 


I 


Now  is  the  gladsome  limf.  for  the  Taka  Bitn  Pi  boys  to  wax  joyous  (they'll  be  glad  to  wax  anything  beside  the 
floor)  Tobias  Green  has  received  an  invitation  to  a  dance.  It  promises  to  be  a  hot  affair  so  Toby  must  to  the  inner 
circles  ot  brotherhood  in  search  of  gay  apparel.  Nothing  bars  the  way.  The  search  proves  exciting.  Gladsome  finery 
put  away   these   many   long   years  of  Taka    Bita   Pi's  obscurity,    is   beginning    to   come   to   light. 

[18] 


HKEM 


•Just  Enough  Turkish" 

S 


A    lu'illiaut    smile    on    .liiiiiny 
Beau's  face 

Vacation's  ovcm-  now. 

"Open  for  l)nsiiiess' — oh  great  re- 
lief! 

-8 

Frowsy  Shopper : — "'Ave  yer  a 

match  fer  this  1  douse'?"" 
Haughty  Salesgirl : — "Yes — and 

I  "11  give  you  some  kerosene  too. 

S 

Joe  hollered  '-Look  out  thar 
Lizette,  don't  swaller  that  knife — 
You'll  break  maw's  set." 

S- 

Practice  makes  perfect  thirty- 
sixes. 


THE  KID  SA  YS 

After  these  exams  he  feels 
like  crawling  into  bed  and  put- 
ting up  a  sign  "Don't  Open  Till 
Next  Christmas." 

If  anyone  wants  a  nice  glass  of 
icewater.  just  drain  rme  out  ul" 
his  radiator. 

Xo  one  knows  which  is  the  hoi  or 
cold  water  in  the  bathroom  on  ac- 
count of  the  icicles  on  the  faucet. 

He  heard  that  authors  get  paid 
liy  the  words.  If  he  ever  writes  a 
story  he's  gonna  have  a  character 
that  s-s-stut-t-ters. 

The  law  classes  had  their  pic- 
tures takeu.  That's  a  case  of  safe- 
ty  first.     Getting    them    into    the 
rogues  gallery  ahead  of  time. 
S 

"It's  a  wonderful  place  to 
dance,  all  mirrors."" 

''Well  they're  the  only  thing 
that"ll  double  the  size  of  a  room 
without  doubling  the  i-ent." 

"Not  any  more.  They'll  give 
you  something  to  drink  that"ll 
triple  it." 

S 

Don't  you  like  to  see  yourself 
in  print. 

Sure  dont  I  always  wear  calico. 


To  A  Cat 


Thou    ugly,    nii.sshapen.    four-leg- 
ged thing. 

The  kind  that  is  wont  us  bad  luck 
for  to  bring, 

Sitting  complacently  there  by  the 
side 

Of  your  pantry  so  battered  and 
tinny  and  wide: 

When    eight    of    your    lives    .irc 
things  of  the  past, 

Avoid  me.  Cat,  avoid  me. 

I  hate  cats. 

— Tlie  Clown. 


1  never  cross  my  knees  in  the 
street  car. 

Neither  do  ,1  it"s  getting  too 
cold  to  roll  "em. 


About  the  halls  goes  our  hero,  annexing  all  he  can  lay  hands  to — the  occasion  demands  all  Taka  Bites  sacrifice 
for  the  good  of  the  old  "frat."  Besides,  no  one  else  is  going  anywhere-.  At  last  the  miracle  has  been  accomplished. 
Tobias  is  ready  to  step  forth.  A  last  dab  to  the  perfect  toilette — presto.  Then — being  human  Toby  takes  one  last  slant 
at  the  invitation  to  be  sure  it  said  9:30  and  not  10:30,  and  finds — Ye,  Gods!  that  the  invitation  was  delayed  in  the 
mails  six  weeks. 
MORAL:     Never  mind  locking  the  barn — just  kill  the   horse. 

[191 


JIREN 


Editor's  Note:  This  page,  con- 
ducfrd  hy  0.  D.  Burfje,  editor  of 
the  Illinois  Mayazinc,  is  devoted 
to  the  darker  side  of  the  Seven 
Arts. 

Prologue 

Being  de-irous  of  determining  the 
state  of  Culture  in  our  duplex  cities 
we  went  about  town.  We  went  to  the 
more  popular  theatres,  then  stopped. 
Reasons  to  follow. 

The  Drama 

We  sojourned  at  one  of  the  most 
prosperous  play  houses  of  them  all, 
and  went  away  with  a  slight  attack  of 
intellectual  biliousness.  Our  impre-- 
sions  were  somewhat  chaotic.  Among 
them  were  huge  biceps,  imitation 
Italian  patois,  vari-colored  unmention- 
ables of  costumers  satin,  songs  about 
hash,  darkies,  and  traveling  salesmen, 
a  Jewish  comedienne,  a  dog  with  an 
un-pedigreed  shake,  the  first  chorus 
girl  that  we  thought  we'd  like  to  meet, 
vacant-faced  boys  dancing  in  a  meth- 
odical way,  Japanese  music  written 
by  Irving  Berlin,  awful  verse,  and  a 
monologist  of  questionable  sobriety. 
What  puzzles  us  Is,  how  long  will  it 
lart.  The  show  house  in  question  has 
the  stock  advertisement  that  its  en- 
tertainment is  polite  and  refined  (what 
a  good  American  word).  And  that  is 
an  insult  to  the  citizen  at  large,  for 
it  is  to  be  doubted  if  the  ordinary  man 
is  still  such  raw  material  that  he 
will  accept  what  is  offered,  wholly  and 
with  a  free  conscience.  No  mission- 
ary of  truth  is  speaking,  but  it  causes 
wonder  as  to  why  a  university  client- 
ele can  not  endure  anything  better, 
or  at  least  saner. 

A  Few  Arpeggios 

A  trained  kangaroo  has  no  claim  to 
superiority  over  the  moving  picture 
orchestra.  It  is  a  wild  and  awful  thing 
of  wonder.  The  array  of  music  and 
noise  that  it  can  produce  in  an  hour's 
time  is  wonderful.  What  time  it  has 
started  a  Russian  dance  pleasing  to 
the  ear,  the  leader  taps  smartly  with 
his  bow — the  baton  has  evidently 
passed  •out  of  existence,  for  it  seems 
more  swagger  to  jerk  the  rhythm  out 
of   a   bow — and   there  is   the   horrible 


din  of  Stars  and  Stripes  Forever.  As 
a  noise-malcer,  that  hackneyed  march 
has  no  equal,  and  it  is  the  nightmare 
of  the  soldier.  And  then  without  warn- 
ing there  is  much  sawing  of  fiddle 
strings  and  braying  of  the  trumpet, 
for  the  hero  and  the  villian  are  fight- 
ing for  the  love  of  little  Bess,  the 
boilermaker.  This  particular  caco- 
phony is  known  as  the  "Mysterious 
Furioso,"  and  after  the  audience  has 
finished  applauding  the  fight  the  con- 
ductor turns  around  and  bows  in  an 
absent-minded  sort  of  way.  And  so 
on.  The  only  answer  that  can  be  seen 
for  the  orchestra  is  that  it  is  put 
there  to  prevent  the  audience  from 
good  solid  sleep.  Why  do  not  some 
energetic  ladies  start  a  league,  (I  am 
sure  that  there  is  still  room  for  at 
least  one  more),  for  the  Improvement 
of  Cinema  Music? 

Chiaroscuro 

A  picture  dealer  was  showing  a 
gent  (not  a  gentleman)  some  water 
colors.  Turning  to  one,  he  said  with 
a  certain  pride:  "That  is  a  Turner." 
Whereat  the  gent  inquired:  "Wlien 
does  it  turn?"  This  is  not  a  joke. 
No,  a  sad  fact. 

A  Dry  Point 

Thrcugh  the  kind  offices  of  one  of 
our  mi)re  generous  cronies,  we  have 
been  enjoying  Joseph  Fennel's 
"Graph  .c  Arts."  The  old  gentleman  is 
quite  a  chipper  person,  and  his  dry 
wit  has  something  of  the  smack  of 
Whistler.  One  wonders  whether  it  is 
not  directly  modelled  after  that  fam- 
ous painter  and  etcher.  He  has  de- 
cided opinions,  as  have  all  artists,  on 
many  things  and  people.  He  has  a 
decided  opinion  concerning  our  zeal- 
ous modern  day  reformers.  He  is 
speaking  of  a  Dutch  etcher  of  the 
seventeenth  century.  Says  he:  "Then 
there  was  Hollar  too  who  preserved 
much  the  Puritans  destroyed  in  arch- 
itecture and  costume.  Who  is  really 
doing  anything  to  preserve  our  cus- 
toms destroyed  by  hypocrites,  prohi- 
bitionists, and  business  men?"  Again 
he  is  speaking  of  an  old  type  of  etch- 
ing press.  "With  the  old-fashioned 
press  you  were  forced  to  climb  up 
and  down  on  it.  It  was  a  very  inter- 
esting performance.    It  was  far  better 

[201 


exercise  than  golf,  and  more  amusing, 
and  with  more  beneficial  results." 
Again  he  is  speaking  of  a  portrait  of 
George  Bernard  Shaw,  and  remarks 
about  the  man:  "It  is  better  looking 
than  Shaw  is  now,  and  it  is  a  rather 
good  design  by  Rothenstein.  I  won- 
der that  Shaw  has  not  taken  to  litho- 
graphy himself.  He  ha'5  tried  every- 
thing, and  succeded  In  a  few  things, 
especially  advertising."  The  book  is 
an  interesting  one,  and  there  is  much 
good  that  the  layman  may  derive  from 
it,  including  a  deal  of  harmless  know- 
ledge about  art. 

Puppets  on  a  String 

Some  gentleman,  whose  name  I  for- 
get, has  written  a  highly  compliment- 
ary book  on  Tony  Sarg's  marionettes. 
It  would  seem  that  tliey  have  made  a 
decided  hit  in  London,  where  their 
originator  has  been  living.  He  ha", 
in  a  way,  carried  out  an  idea  that 
Maeterlinck  expressed  a  great  many 
years  ago,  namely,  that  plays  should 
be  read  to  the  action  of  puppets,  for 
words  hinder  action.  It  might  be  in- 
teresting to  see  the  "Death  of  Tintag- 
iles"  produced  by  Tony  and  his  dolls. 

Operatic  High  Explosive 

Gilda  Varesi,  formerly  an  actress  of 
little  renown,  and  Dolly  Byrne,  wife 
of  the  creator  of  that  mo^t  heady 
book,  "Messer  Marco  Polo,"  have  made 
a  play.  It  is  not  a  great  play,  but 
Gilda  Varesi  has  made  a  wonderful 
part  for  herself.  Italian  as  she  is,  she 
has  the  role  of  an  Italian  singer  of 
great  fame.  And  true  to  tradition  she 
is  temperamental  within  the  bounds 
of  unreasonableness.  She  has  a  hus- 
band who  draws  the  line  at  carrying 
her  lapdog  and  being  just  her  hus- 
band. Things  are  at  a  rather  tick- 
lish state,  between  him  and  the  lady 
on  the  floor  below,  "Enter  Madame," 
a  lightning  divorce,  and  then  an  elope- 
ment to  South  America,  to  give  the 
play  the  requisite  happy  ending.  It  is 
going  to  have  a  great  success,  or  for 
that  matter,  it  already  has. 

Pretty  Lady 

We  overheard  one  of  the  boys  talk- 
ing the  other  evening.  I  don't  know 
the  lady,  but  I  am  sure  she  will  en- 
joy  the    flattery.     It   went    something 


JIREN 


like  this:  "Gee,  but  she  was  a  nasty- 
looltiiig  elanie!  Had  on  some  swell 
rags,   too!" 

Lament 

There  was  a  young  mau  once,  and 
he  died  an  heroic  death.  Because  he 
had  left  a  volume  of  poetry,  singing 
of  youtli,  and  its  desires  and  dreams 
and  powers,  he  was  rai:ed,  for  a  brief 
time,  to  the  skies.  Since  then,  how- 
ever, he  has  again  sunk  to  the  some- 
what distant  horizon.  Was  all  this 
mere  transitory  hero-worship?  Has  he 
fallen  to  the  level  of  mere  classroom 
discu'-sion,  or  has  he  descended 
farther?   1  wonder. 

Lyrics  and  Laughter 

This  is  the  American  age  of  Reviv- 
als. Not  the  village  exhortations  to 
reform  and  quit  pinochle,  but  the  re- 
surection  of  past  favorites.  The  list 
is  long,  and  as  near  as  I  remember, 
"Floradora"  started  the  whole  thing. 
We  are  to  be  favored  with  another  of 
the  species  in  the  person  of  the  "Mer- 
ry Widow."  In  its  day,  it  was  a  howl- 
ing success,  without  any  aspersions 
toward  its  singers.  Before  long  we 
are  to  be  favored  with  a  new  version 
of  the  play.  Henry  W.  Savage  has 
fostered  it,  and  if  it  is  up  to  the 
usual  Savage  standards,  there  will  be 
very  good  rcenery,  more  than  average 
pretty  girls,  and  pleasant  singers. 
Everybody  will  be  happy,  and  will  ap- 
plaud the  singers,  which  will  incite 
them  to  better  work,  and  the  box 
office  men  will  smile  in  a  satisfied 
fashion,  and  tlie  "boys"  will  sit  around 
the  tire  nad  decide  which  one  of  the 
chorus  was  the  best  looker.   And  may- 


be  Mr.   Savage   will   revive  something 
el-e  as  nicely. 

It  has  been  suggested  for  the  con- 
venience of  the  disciplinary  forces  that 
each  man,  upon  entering,  bo  allowed 
to  cliose  a  single  vice,  to  be  pursued 
during  the  next  four  years  at  his  dis- 
cretion. It  would  at  least  be  a  con- 
venience for  the  man,  for  he  would 
not  have  to  wory  as  to  what  his 
offense  might  have  been,  thereby  in- 
suring a  re  tful  night  before  the  or- 
deal. 

The  Week's  Reading 

Recommended:  One  laundry  list; 
the  letter  from  home;  an  Orpheum 
program;  a  Mosi-Over  menu;  one  bask- 
et-ball placard;  Baird's  Manual;  Sat- 
urday Evening  Po-t;  Bedtime  Stories: 
How  To  Study;  an  occasional  text- 
l)ook;  The  Scout;  last  and  conceiv- 
ably least,  The  Siren,  of  which  I  do 
not  approve,  althougli  1  do  write  for 
it, 

S 

Essay  on  Luck 

oil,  winter  came  with  its  sultry 
Itroeze  and  found  me  here  in  my 
B.  V.  D.s, 
Xow  summer  comes  with  its  heat 

and  burning'. 
In  dad's  red  fhmnels  I'm  sojourn- 
ing. 

S 

Visitor — ''Does  Mr.  Crawford, 
a  student,  live  here?" 

Landlady— "Well,  Mr.  Craw- 
ford lives  here,  but  I  thought  he 
was  a  night  watchman". 

ill, „,, ,„ „„ „ ^4«  nJtu^UII :IU 111 1111 nil ,1 


THE  ILLINI  LINE 


I    liad  ail   awl'iillv   nice  lime. 

Call  me  U])  some  liiiic. 

I')ii  sorry  Iml    I'm  datcij   ii{i  iiiilil 

April. 
1  don't  mind.    Uradley   is  Just    as 

good    as    College. 
I  don't  care  iiiiicli   alioiil    foiiuals 

anyway. 
I'll   take  a   mall    willi  a   lloal. 
I've  heard  so  iiiiirli  about  you   I'm 

just  wild  to  me(;t  you. 
AVliy  can't  I  have  hair  like  tiial. 
I  think  your  frateriuty  gives  tlie 

best  dances  on  the  campus. 
I   never  allow  anyone   to  jml    liis 
arm  around  me. 
You're  the  I'ii-sf  man  I  cni'i-  kissed. 


-S- 


C.  R.  Prentiss 


BAKER 


Pennant  Bread 


1 


I    I 


I  i 
1  I 
!  I 
!  I 
!  I 
!  i 
!     I 


So  glad  you  did. 

I'll    call    you   u|)    some   time. 

•> 

I  think  she's  a  wonderful  girl. 
She's  all  for  me. 
She's  awfully  nice  but  .  .  . 
How's  chances  on  a  smoke. 
I'm  fresh  out. 

I'll   pay  you  on   the   fifteenth. 
It  isn't  the  money  it's  the  [irinci- 
ple  of  the  thing. 

S 

"AVere  you  ever  pinched  for  go- 
ing too  fast'?" 

"No,  but  I've  been  slapped." 


I 

I       47  Main  Street 


CJarlield  ll^KI 


We  Have  Everything 

that  a  Good  Drug  Store 

Should  Have 

Main  134 


University  Pharmacy 

FRED  J.  PRISON  705  S.  Goodwin 


AiHi^— mi 


■  u«{»'  «X|Lni.^(iii 

[211 


JIREN 


+,, — 


III  III!  MM  |||«}t  11(11  III : Ill  nil  nil  

I    I 


I 

I 
I 
I 
I 
I 
I 


Remember  Hei' 

on 
Valentine's  Day 

with 

Schuler 
Bros. 

Homemade 
Candies 

MAIN  STREET 
CHAMPAIGN 

A  full  line  of  Whitman's, 

Poss'  and  Morse's  Special 

box  candies 

The  Hi))HC  of  the  Faitious  Bo.stoii 


1        I 
1        I 


Joe 
and 
Tracy 


I  I 

!  I 
!  I 
I  I 
!  I 
1  I 
I  1 
!  I 
I     I 


BARBERS 


MRIGHT 

STREET 

NEAR 

THE 

POSTOFFICE 


i  1 
I  I 
1      I 


♦  .g.    ,.  ^^      l__„l  — Nll-^llll^— 111^— Mll^— IIU^— II 


Kodaks 

Now  at  Pre-War 
Prices 


Buy  a  Kodak  and  keep 
a  Picture  reminder  of 
Yunr   (iooil  Times. 


Film  brought  to  us  "before 
8:30  is  ready  at  4:00  p.m. 


Strauch's 

Tlie  Home  of  Good  Kodak 
Finishing 


625   So.  Wright 


It  Costs  No  More  to  Buy  a  Kelly 


KELLY-SPRINGFIELD  products  at  present 
prices  represent  the  biggest  values  ever 
offered  to  the  tire-buying  public.  The  qual- 
ity is  better  than  ever;  only  unusual  manu- 
facturing conditions  have  made  the  low- 
ered  price  '   possible. 

CHURCHILL,  BENGSTON  &  MILLER 

ITRBANA.   ILL. 


1 
I 
I 

■4    4, 

[22] 


VAUGHN 

SHOP /or  MEN 


It's  worth  a  trip  down -town  to 

see  these  distinctive 

HATS 

SHIRTS 

TIES 

in  fact 

EVERYTHING  FOR  MEN 


I 


I 


lUREN 


Purity 
Bread 

Ask    Your    (Jrocer 

We  make  it  RIGHT 

and  deliver  it 

ON  TIME 


Phone  us  that  party 
order  and  we'll  all  be 
pleased. 


Berryman  Bakery 

213  South  Neil 
— — .*. 


Young  Liuly  ( who  luul  just  bei-ii 
oiK'i-aleil  on  for  ;ii>i)fii(licitis  i  : — 
"Oil,  doctor  Do  you  think  tlu' 
scar  will  show?" 

Doctor: — "It  ought  iu)t  to". 
—The  Li/n. 

S 

•■And  now",  saiil  the  long-wind 
cd  speaker  as  he  was  concluding  a 
lengthy  tedious  speech,  "as  Lady 
(xodiva  renuirked  when  slie  wa.s 
returning  I'roin  her  ride,  'I  am 
drawing  lu'iir  my  clothes"." — TUjcr 

S— 

Pest  —  "You're  charining.  do 
you  know  it?" 

She — "I"m  sorry  1  can't  say  the 
same  of  you". 

P.— "Oh,  that's  all  right:    One 
of  us  may  as  well  be  truthful"'. 
— Punch  Howl. 
S 

Kitty — ''Days  on  which  I  have 
a  date  I  eat  scarcely  a  thing". 

Katty — "How  well  you're  look- 
ing I"" — Ohio  Sini  Dial. 


+•■ 
I 

I 
I 

I 

I 


■+ 

i 


Original 

Clever 

and 

Beautiful 

Valentines 


Call  ill  and  e.xaiMiiu'  ihc 
complete  as.sortment 
we  have  on  display 


I 

I 
I 


Strauch's 


The  Art  and  Gift  Shop 


-  + 
I 
I 


Commercial    Typing 

Stenography 

Mailing   Lists 

Multigraphing 

Printing 

Engraving 

Programs  . 


ii  A  yy 


Do  you  want  an  "A 


Start  the  New  Semester  Right! 

Have  Your  Themes,  Theses,  Term 
Papers  and  Notes  Typed 


NO  TKOIHLI-: 
NO  MISTAKES 

xo  i:kasikes 

I.oW  COST 


siioirr  xoTici':  wokk 

("ouui:(Tm:ss 

neatness 

15V  IIOli;  OK  Tllol  SAM) 


The  COMMERCIAL  SERVICE  CO. 

Xo.  17  Taylor  Street  W.  V.  FAfLKNER.  Mgr. 

BEHIND  GEHRIG'S 


[23] 


SIREN 


The 
Difference 

Between  good  Pi-iuting 
and  bad  Printing  is  a 
matter  of  only  a  few  dol- 
lars in  its  manufacture; 
but  in  its  comparative  re- 
sults thei'e  is  an  inestim- 
able difference  in  value. 


stationery.  Dance  Pro- 
grams, Tickets  and  all 
kinds  of  Commercial 
Printing. 


I 


Desks.  Chairs  and  Fil- 
ing Cabinets,  Office  out- 
fits. 


Pease  Print  Shop 

22  Main  St.  Garfield  2246 

CHAMPAIGN 


I 
I 

•4 


Hifihbrow :      "I     j^ 
l.athe." 

Lowbrow:  "Alrigbt,  then  I'll 
ji<>  liftli. — lufifjlcr. 

— S ■ — 

A  man  named  Du  Bose  met  a  girl 
Vt'\m  lisped  thro'  her  teeth  of  pure 

pearl. 
"I'll    hug    you    or    kiss   you",    he 

swore  with  an  oath. 
She  cried  with  surprise,  "Oli.  Mr. 

l>ii   Roth".— T/.^rr. 

S 

Sentimental  Damsel  (on  tour 
of  the  campus,  stopped  before  a 
gigantic  tree)  :  ''Oh  wonderful 
elm,  if  you  could  speak,  what 
would  you  say  to  nie?" 

Senior  Forester  (accompanying 
her)  :     ''It    would    probably    say 
•Pardon  me,  but  I  am  an  oak' ". 
—Froth  (Penn.  State). 

"One  way  she's  like  an  umpire, 
— My  wife  is,"  said  Bill  prout; 

"She  never  will  believe  that  I 
am  safe  when  I  am  out". 


fori  Ii     to     t * 


The  Coffee 

that  made  "Sam" 

famous 


Whistle 
Inn 


TRY  OUR 

AFTER  LIBRARY 

LUNCHES 

Tiy  our  Stigar   Waffles  and 
Doughnuts 


Across  from  the 
Cheni  Building 


U.  of  L  SUPPLY  STORE-Qn  the  Square 


Books 

Books  for  All  Courses 

Books  for  All  Tastes 

Magazines 

rwe  try  to  fit  pen  to  fist  in  such  a  manner  that  it  cooper-"! 
|_ates  with  the  writer  instead  of  ruining  his  style  and  temper  J 

Stationery 

Supplies  —  all  these  at 

U.  of  I.  Supply  Store 


ON   THE   SQUARE 


[24] 


JIREN 


I 


Orteii 

Tta 


I 


Our  seating  capacity  of  200  allows 
many  of  you  to  be  our  guests 


GREEN  TEA  POT 

Conducted  for  Men  and  Women  of  Discriminatinj*  Taste 

LUNCH         AFTERNOON         DINNER 

Private  Rooms  for  Banquets  and  Parties 

We  Cater  to  Those  Who  Care 


I 
■+ 


Policeman  (to  disturbing  ban- 
joist)  :  "Young  man,  vou  must 
accompany  me — " 

He  :    "Awiight,  off islier,  wiiat'll 

ya   shing?" — Juggler. — 

S 


Ann :   "Have  you  stopped  smok- 
ing?" 

Van :   ''Yes,  I  had  to.   A  fellow 
can't  get  a  good  cigar  on  the  cam- 
pus any  more.    It  is  too  muddy. 
— Cluiparral. 

S — 

Jakey :  "1  took  Rachel  by  de 
te-ater  last  night  and  we  almost 
Iiad  a  taxicle  ride  home". 
Ikej*:  "Ay?  Vat  happened?" 
Jakey:  "Veil,  I  matched  de 
drifer  first  for  veder  ve  should  pay 
him  double  fare  or  nodding.    He 

von,  so  we  had  to  valk" 

—Lord  Jeff. 


Stenographer:  "Howdja  spell 
•sence?" 

Employer:  "Dollars  and  cents, 
or  horse  sense?" 

Stenographer:   "Well,  like  in  'I 
ain't  seen  him  sence.'  " — Wag  Jag. 
S 

Co-educated  One:  Said  she  in- 
gratiatingly, as  she  removed  her 
heavily-horned  eye-glasses  and 
slowly  wound  the  black  ribbon 
al)()nt  her  linger  the  better  to  give 
the  waitress  the  benefit  of  an  ap- 
pealing look  which  she  sent  across 
the  top  of  the  half-emptied  Coca- 
Cola  glass  with  its  bent  and  twist 
ed  straw,  "My  sucker's  broke". 

Understanding  Waitress:  "I'm 
sorry.  Ma'am,  but  our  terms  are 
cash"'. — Chaparral. 

S • 

He  is  a  poor  financer  who  banks 
on  women. 


She:    "Stop  this  moment  or  I'll 
get  out  and  walk''. 
He:  "But,  Mary—" 

She:  "Aren't  you  ashamed  of 
yourself  and  after  I've  known  you 
.so  long  too". 

He:  "But—" 

She:  "You  needn't  explain, 
you're  not  a  gentleman". 

He:  "But,  Mary  this  darned 
horse  won't  go  unless  I  whip 
him." — lianfcr. 


last 


She:    "I  can't  marry  you  I 
He:    "Why  not?" 

She:      "I     was     married 
week". 

He:     (Breathing  a    sigh   of   re- 
lief).   "Is  that   the  only   reason? 
I  was  afraid  you  didn't  love  me  I" 
— Pelican. 


-* 

I 

S 

I 


8   Main  Street,   Champaign 


Phones:  Garfield  1121;  Main  1 


WHOLESALE 


I 


Smith  &  Picard 

Meats  Brought  from  the  Farm  to  You  Direct 


HOME  KILLED  MEATS.  POULTRY.  PORK 
AND  LARD 

"Champaign's  Cleanest  Market" 


r25i 


RETAIL 


MEm 


-I  lioDie  i-t  not  a  iKiutic  cijmiitvtc 
I'lilil  it  has  il.s  slinre  of  heat. 
— from  the  iirorerlis  uf  Mr.  Quick 


IF  your  radiator  is  not  com- 
ing througli  with  its  full 
(juota  of  heat  call  us  in  on 
the  job  and  we'll  make  it 
warm  for  vim. 


L.  W.  Apperson 

URBANA 
Main  906  120  S.  Race  St. 

—  'Ill         >ii^— 111,^— 111— iiii^— in;.^im  — Mi(_p,ii^_iiii^_uii^— .i«J» 


Take  Distance ! 

"I  wouldn't  trust  any  man  as 
far  as  the  end  of  my  nose." 

"That's  too  far  to  trust  any 
man." 

"Too  near,  you  mean!" 

— London  Mail. 
S 

( >ld— '-AA'liat's  that  c  1  i  n  U  i  n  g 
noise  I  liear  in  that  basket  T' 

Soak— "A  bottle  of  ink  and  lialf 
dnzeii  glass  eyes,  honest  to  (lod!" 
— Frivol. 

S 

"Mother I  I  learned  that  our 
Snndaysciiool  teaclier  iloesn'l 
take  baths." 

"Johnny!   ^A'hat  do  you  mean"^" 

'She   said    tliat    she    never    did 

aiiylhing     in      pi-ivate     that     she 

wouhln't  do  in  i)ublic." — Garfjoijir 

S 

I   want  my  |>ictnre  taken. 
Full  face'.' 
Xo,  lialf  back. 


I 


= — a^ 

Corona 

The  Personal  Writing  Machine 


THAT'S  how  easy  it  is  to 
pay  for  Corona,  the 
little  6'  2-pound  typewriter 
you  can  fold  up,  take  with 
you,  write  with  anywhere. 
Phone  U3  today  for  a  free 
demonstration. 

R.    C.    WHITE    &    CO. 
612    E.    Green 


»-+ 


'Milk- Fed"  Poultry 


There  is  a  difference  in 

our  Milk-fed  Poultry 


1 


HOTELS  CAr£S 
P(fi(fS^  CARS 
FC?ATERfS(T(£S 


51  ehester  Street 


^4M^  Tl^l 


r-%/*vlM    305 


PACKER  6F 

•\^^/-  GAR    1S36 

l-I.PAUL  TICK  MGR. 


nCAT  5P££(ALT(£S 
C(-)££SE 


Qh&mpi>~\6n  111. 


t^  —  un— i 


[261 


JIKEM 


A  Rose,  By  Another  Name 

(News  Item:  Stanislaus  Zbyszko  wins  title.  His 
hrother  Wladek  Zbyszko  is  also  a  prominent 
wrestler.) 

ir   Till  called  uii  to  stand  in  tlie  liiiu'ii};lil. 

^^■|lere  the  public  siiall  hear  of  my  name, 

ril  change  mine,  and  get  one  tliat  sounds  riglit, 

That  reporters  won't  mangle  and  maim. 

It's  tough  to  be  wrestling  champion,  •   ■ 

As  our  friend  Stanislaus  X.  Zi)yszk(>, 

Then  have  all  the  papers  nns-spell  it, 

And  have  the  crowds  yell  lt)r  Nal)isc(i. 

Hut  still,  there's  a  danger  in  changing 

To  others,  as  Green,  Jones,  or  Roth, 

For  people  think  Omars  a  cigarette, 

And  that  Sniitli  is  the  cure  for  a  cough. 

S , 


Virtue  may  be  its  own  reward — but  the  Chicago 
woman  who  recently  lost  a  purse  containing  |5(j,()(t() 
must  have  made  sound  resolutions  never  to  let  it 
haii(ien  again — when  she  paid  the  honest  finder  a 
$1.">  reward. 

■ S 


Personally  we  feel — the  odds  are  slightly  against 
the  discovery  of  another  as  honest  a  maji. 


The  Best  Satire 
of  the 

SIREN 

USED    TO    BE     TOO     IMPO- 
TENT  TO    DESCRIBE    STU- 
DENT   CAPES.     NOT    SAT- 
gg^j-  IRE,     BUT     APPLAUSE,     IS 

I-IPVP  ^^'^  ^^^   HEAR   NOW. 

once 

a 

week 

— especially  Sunday  noon. 

TWIN  CITY  9 

Cafe       Number  Lj 

No.   1,   309   N.   Neil 


[27] 


You've  done  it  your- 
self—sometimes. 

Over  the  pond  v^ith 
your  iron,  and  to  the 
green!  A  lucky  strike 
for  you. 

LUCKY    / 
STRIKE/ 

When  we  discovered  the  toast- 
ing process  six  years  ago,  it  -was  a 
Lucky  Strike  for  us. 

Why?  Because  now  millions  of 
smokers  prefer  the  special  flavor  of 
the  Lucky  Strike  Cigarette— because* 
it's  toasted. 

* —  which  seals  in  the 
delicious  Burlev  flavor 

And  also    because    it's   guaran-  i 
teed  by 


SmEN 


"■"+ 


READ! 

With  the  Aid  of  Right 
Lighting  ! 

Arithmetic,  grammar  and 
spelling  —  tough  propositions 
for  children.  Yet,  like  the 
help  of  an  older  mind,  right 
lighting  can  do  its  part  to 
make  them  easier.  Won't  you 
let  us  help  solve  your  lighting 
problem? 


CHANDLER 

ELECTRIC 

SHOP 

107   W.  Main  St. 


+.- 


Univer.sity_;^ 


-+ 


T.  M.  Bacon 
&  Sons 


Solomon   Gruiidj' — 

Arrived  on  Monday — 

Ecgistert'd  on  Tuesday — 

Examined  on  A^'ediie.sday — 

Flunked  on  Thursday — 

r>i'unk  on  Friday — 

Fired  on  Saturday — 

0:15  left  on  Sunday  as  usual- 

And  that  was  all 

Of  Solomon  Grundv.--H.H. 


WHOLESALE 
RETAIL 


Paints 

Glass 

Wall  Paper 


Champaign 


-+ 


When  You  Graduate 


PROM  this 

GREAT  old  University, 

YOU  take  home 

A  lot  of  memories 

OP  college  Ufe 

THAT  you  never  lose 

THEY  are  mostly  about 

PEOPLE  and  PLACES. 

At  Homecoming,  it's  a  pleasure 

To  renew  these  associations. 


MOST  students  will 

REMEMBER  one  place 

THAT  is  so  fine— 

IT'S  unforge table  :— 

WHERE  a  lot  of 

GOOD  things  are  kept: 

Sandwiches,  salads, 

Chili,  Candy 

All  Confections,  including 

ESKIMO  PIE. 

That's  Prehn  &  Henningsen. 


I 
•I- 


^ „_. . .— . .. ._„ ._. ._„_._„4. 

Music  Every  Sunday  Evening  —  Watch  for  Specials  Posted  in  the  Booths 

[28] 


I 


I 


jnscN 


+ ^ 


Your  Account 

Will  Be  Welcome 

At  This  Bank 


No  red  tape  and  no  charges 

for  opening  an  account 

with  us 


First  State  Bank 


URBANA 


+ . . 


"1  lic;ir  lluit  iliiylx'lk'  nearly 
(Irt)wiK'il  tiie  otlier  day". 

"Vt's,  tlie  button  i-ainu  oil  lit-r 
swinunin^  suit  and  no  one  darad 
to  save  her". — I'elkan. 

S 

l{is(|iu'  I'o-cd :  "To  tliiiiU  thai 
we  arc  (o  be  iii-evcnlcd  I'l-oni 
i-oiijijin';  oni-  knees!" 

Consei'vative :  "Hut  we  ean 
still  rouge  our  faces". 

Kis(iuo  Co-ed:    "True,  but  who 
looks  at  our  faces?" — I'riican. 
^— S — — 

He:  \\'oniaM  is  loveliest  in  her 
thirties. 

She:  Tliank — 1  mean,  do  you 
lliink  so? — J'urplc  Cow. 

S 

^'oice  —  "Hello,  is  this  the 
weather  bureau?" 

"Uh  huh." 

A'oice — "How  about  a  shower 
this  afternoon?" 

"I  dunno.  If  you  need  one  take 
it." — Mri/iun   lirctj. 


When 
Rider's  Pen  Shop 

moved  to 

612  East  Green  St. 

they  took  that 

Quick    Repair    Service 

with  them,  also  a  good 

stock  of  that  ink  that 

won't  clog  the  pen 

"RIDER  for  PENS" 

PENS 
PENCILS 

i.uosi-;le.\f  note  hooks 

.WI)  .^CCESSOIilES 

'I'he    latest    in    folding    portable 
tyiiewritprs. 

612  E.  Green  St. 


I 


DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


I'lione  .Main  ."ilil 


:i;i    West   .Main   Street 
URBANA.  ILLINOIS 


*,_. 


[29] 


I 

I 

I 

i 
.04, 


Their  Quality  has  wiped  out 
price  aistincHon  in  cigarettes 


You  cant  help  but  [ike  them! 

TAey  are  DIFFERENT -Ti^ey  are  GOOD 


JIfiEN 


Chaos 

"Comic   liillicr  doj;."   \:i    W'-.iu  'rami   roared. 

••]v\iilaim'(l    tliis    loud   han/.ai. 

Tliat   distui'lK's   (lie   licaxcidv   (iiiici 

W'itlioiit  my  aiict'stral  iiajjoda." 

Speak  oliild  of  the  stars. 

Before  1   remove  the  seal   of  your  cerehellimi." 

"Oh.  most  worthy  moon,"  cries  the  hapless  slave, 
"Forgive  this  one  trespass,  oh  most  royal  elephant. 
It  is  naught  save  a  lovely  geisha  maid 
M'ho  snakes  the  military,  there  witliout." 

"Without  what!"  howls  the  mandaiiii. 
"Speak  for  your  widows  sake." 

"WITHOUT  THE  GARDEN  WALLS,  my  lord," 
Replies  the  cringing  snake. 

A  '25. 

S 


I'l'trarch  made  some  comment  on  fame  his 
words  have  .slii)ped  the  writer's  memory,  hut  their 
jMirport  was  that  fame  is  only  a  momentary  thing, 
inconseipiental.  Yet  Petrarch  sought  fame  with  an 
eagerness  that  has  seldom  been  surpassed. 

How  undergraduate  the  Italian  bard  was. 


STYLED 

FOR. 

YOVKG  'ME'H 


FKATURE  SOFT  HAT 
-  a  smart  young  man's 
Stetson  with  a  medium 
flare.and  binding- Lined 
attractively  in  various 
shades  of  satin. 


STETSON  HATS 

JOHN  B.  STETSON  COMPANY,  Philadelphia 


/ 


As  ''Miss  Siren'' 
Might  Say- 

"This  duty  of  selecting  clothing  is 
one    of  the  drab   trivialities   that 
harass  the  human  soul." 
But  who  can  escape  it? 
Answer:  A  great  chorus  of  silence. 


Men  fine! 
Shopping 
Easy  Here 


Gehins 

t/ CLOTHES    SHOP 

510  EAST  GREEN  STREET 


Cafeteria 


610  East  Green  St. 


Popular  Prices 


I 

-+ 

■•■+ 


[311 


miEN 


+ „ 


TO  A  LOCUST 


upon  ;i  imiiilc  d;iisy  lokiist. 
Facing  the  sun  nnldinkinji. 
A  little  iiielaiiclioly  foc-u.st 
Sal   thinking,  thinking,  thinking. 
He  said,  "No  bard  has  ever  sung 
Aliont  nie  in  his  verse; 
I've  never  lieaid  my  praises  rung 
In  other  than  a  curse. 
They  rave  and  rave  aixiut  a  bird. 
And  bees,  and  tish,  and  flowers. 
But  never  a  word  I've  ever  heard. 
On  me,  from  rythmic  bowers." 
So  when  I  heard  this  drear  lanienl. 
(His  name  wont  rhyme  \hwv  bxaistl 
I  sal   me  down  with  cool   intent  : 
And  idaced  jiini  on  a  toknst. 
A  '25. 


« 4. 


ILLINI  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


PRINTERS  AND  PUBLISHERS 


[32] 


What  Is  a  Vacuum  Furnace? 

IX  an  oidinaiy  fuinace  materials  burn  or  comliine  with  llie  oxy- 
gen of  tlie  air.  ;Melt  zinc,  cadmium,  or  lead  in  an  ordinary 
furnace  and  a  scum  of  "dross"  appears,  an  imi)urity  formed  liy  the 
oxygen.    You  see  it  in  the  lead  pots  that  plumbers  use. 

in  a  vacuum  furnace,  on  the  contrary,  the  air  is  pumped  out  so 
that  the  heated  object  cannot  combine  with  oxygen.  Therefore  in 
the  vacuum  furnace  impurities  are  not  formed. 

Clearly,  the  chemical  jirocesses  that  take  jdace  in  the  two  types 
are  different,  and  the  difference  is  important.  Copper,  for  instance, 
if  impure,  loses  in  electrical  conductivity.  Vacuum-furnace  copper 
is  pure. 

So  the  vacuum  furnace  has  opened  up  a  whole  new  world  of 
chemical  investigation.  The  Research  Laboratoiies  of  the  (Jeneral 
Electric  Company  have  been  exploiing  this  new  world  solely  to  find 
out  the  possibilities  under  a  new  series  of  conditions. 

Yet  there  have  followed  practical  results  highly  imiiortant  to 
industry.  The  absence  of  oxidation,  for  instance,  has  enabled  chem- 
ists to  combine  metals  to  fonii  new  alloys  heretofore  imi)ossible. 
Indeed,  the  vacuum  furnace  has  stimulated  the  study  of  metallurgi- 
cal processes  and  has  become  indispensable  to  chemists  resi)onsible 
for  production  of  metals  in  quantities. 

And  this  is  the  result  of  scientific  research. 

Discover  new  facts,  add  to  the  sinn  total  of  hunum  knowledge, 
and  sooner  or  later,  in  nuin>'  unexpected  ways  jiractical  icsults 
will  follow. 


General^Electric 

o..™i  o«..     C  o  m  p  a  ny    '•'•°~»2;,^„  '■ 


'^'i^ 


'1AR  20  1822 


JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 


Year  round  values  here  in 
our  Fair  Price  Campaign 
for  1922. 


KEEP  STEP  WITH  THE 
SEASONS ! 


Bud  out  in 
A  New  Spring  Suit! 

$25  to  $50 

14  Quality  Makes  to  Choose  From 


University  Women ! 

Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx  coats  for  ladies 
have  the  same  expert  tailoring  that  goes 
into  the  finest  Men's  clothing.  They  hold 
their  shape  just  like  a  man's  coat. 


33-35-37  Main  Street 


Champaign 


^Si«***>.Si.XJ«.^.*%%\3^3vJkJ^%%VX%VX\X%X%N%X\%WX\ 


A 

Pleasant 
Surprise 

is  experienced  by  most 

students  at  their  first 

meal  in  the 

ILLINOIS  UNION 

CAFETERIA 


You,  too,  will  be  pleased  with 
the  cleanliness  of  surroundings 
and  equipment,  excellent  quality  of 
the  food,  great  variety  offered  and 
most  important — the  low  prices. 


The 

ILLINOIS  UNION 

Cafeteria 


I 


i 


I 
! 


JIREN 


^XXXV%X3«iXX3l^XXXXX\N\NXNX\XXVXNX\\N\X\\> 


i 


W 


I 


\ 


(( 


(( 


Dink 

and 

Bud 


yy 


yy 


In  a  New  Combination 


UNION 

DANCES 

BRADLETS 


Friday  and  Saturday 


♦ 
♦    ♦ 


TICKETS  $L25 

On  Sale  ill  the  Unidii   Hiiililini! 


^4XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX<lCS<XXX'<     ixxxxxxxxstxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxv 


I 


[1] 


HREN 


Arcade 

Barber  Shop 

Gushing   Bros.   Prop. 


IN  ORDER 
1 

•■Cush" 

2 

"Sam" 

3 

"Roy" 

4 

"Mack" 

5 

"Curt" 

Let  us  demonstrate  the 
Scott  Sharpener,  It  gets 
results  from  all  the 
safety  blades  in  exist- 
ence. 

see  "Cush"  He  Knows 


Correct 


Teaclier:    "II'   I   cut  a  beefsteak 
in  two  and  then  the  lialves  in  two 
and  then  cut  the  quarters  in  two, 
Avhat  do  I  have?" 
.lolinny:    "Ei<;liths." 

"And  then  aj^ain?" 
"Sixteenths," 
"Again." 
"Thirty-seconds." 


Teaclier: 
.johnny: 
Teacher : 
Johnny: 
Teacher: 
Johnnv : 


"Again." 
'Handnirger." 
— Thr  Bii.:.:  Sair. 

S 


It  wa.s  their  lirst   (luarrel. 

He :  "If  I  were  you,  I'd  have 
enougli  sense  to  see  that  much  I" 

She:  "Of  course  y()u  would," 
she  letorted  decisively. 

She  laid  tlie  still,  wliite  form 
beside  those  that  had  gone  l)efore. 
ZS'o  groan,  no  sign  from  her.  Sud- 
denly she  let  forth  a  cry  that 
jiierced  the  still  air,  making  it  vi- 
lirate  into  a  tlnnisand  echoes.  It 
seemed  as  if  it  came  from  her  very 
soul.  Twice  the  cry  was  repeated 
and  then  all  was  quiet  again.  She 
would  lay  another  egg  tomorrow. 


You  will  admire  our 
workmanship  in  all 
Unes  of 
Dyeing 

and 
Cleaning 

Garments    Called 

for  and 

nelivered 

Promptly 


Carpets  and   Rugs  Given 
Special  Attention 


PARIS  DYEING  & 
CLEANING  WKS. 

Call  Main  1744 


i 


•j.,,- 


,      ^ !,».,^||l >>l "I 111 l'l«t»  •!»" 111! 1111 


Fads 

Worth  Remembering 

Our  ICngineers  are  e.xiierts.  ^Ve  em- 
jdoy  only  skilled  mechanics.  The 
materials  ^e  use  aie  the  Itest  ([ual- 
ity.  Our  charges  are  reasonable.  We 
want  your  business. 

Call  Us  On 
Your  Next  Job  of  Work 


JOHNSON  BROS. 

Sdiiilniii    (iiiil    Hvatiiiij    Eiiijiiiccru 

402  N.  Neil  St. 

CHAMPAIGN,  ILLINOIS 

Both  Phones 


I        I 


I  I 
I  I 
I        I 


I        1 


I       1 

!  I 
I  I 
1  I 
1  I 
1  I 
!     I 


!     I 
1     I 

-.4,      l-i 


Whose  Birthday 
This  Month? 

Send  her  flowers  from  a  jdace  that 
has  the  reimtation  tor  handling  only 
I  he  best. 

We  send  flowers  by  telegrapii  all 
over  the  country. 


\Vm.  Jos.   Werstler  '19,  Mgr. 
Main    90S  Garfield   1075 


[2J 


Mwm 


McEVILLY 
-</ BROWN 

Shoe  Repairing 

Cleaning  and 
Pressing 


W'c  carry 

a   I'liU  line  of  polishes 

and  laces. 


OllPIIEUM  BUILDING  and 
403  EAST  GREEN 


Necessary  Evil 

"Sk    v(mi    desire    In    licciiiiic    my 
soiiiniaw? 

"\o  sir,   I  (l(in"l.    l!ul   IT   I   mar- 
ry your  (laiif{liter,  sir,   I   don't   see 
very  well  Imw  I  can  };el  ont  of  it." 
— 11  '('(7.7.1/   Trlcf/raiiJi . 

S-^ 

"Why  is  yoni-  wife  so  jealous  of 
y<nir  tyi)ist  ?" 

"\\"ell,  you  see,  my  wife  used  to 
he  my  typist  !" 

— Loiidoii   Miiil. 


-S- 


lie — Come,    on,     'less    up,    you 
i;irls   would   just    as   soon    go   out 
with   one  of   these  conceitt'd  "HiL; 
Men  on   the  ('ampus"  as  olliei-s. 
kSIr- — Wiiat  others'.' 

— (lart/oijic. 

S ' 

I'lof. — .Miss  (ilninme,  how  many 
rihs  do  yoit  have'.' 

.Miss    (ilunime — Oh,     ni\     dear  I 
I'm  too  ticklish  to  count  'em! 
1^ 

I'odfier  (to  new  acipiaintance I 
—  I  wonder  if  that  fat  old  j^irl  is 
really  tryiui;  to  flirt  with  nie'' 

Cooler — 1  can  easily  tiiid  out  by 
askin<>   her — siie  is  my  wife. 
— /iickxoiirillr  'riiiK'S'C iiiiiii. 


Victrola 
Records 


Mere  you  may  have  a 
choice  of  Victrola,  Col- 
iiiubiii  or  Urunswick 
records. 


Ask  to  Hear  the  New 

Releases  for 

March 


We  also  have  a  large 
selection  of  string  in- 
struments and 
saxaphones 


G.  W.  Lawrence 

112  West  Main  SUx-et 
URBANA 


•{•III  — 


Variety 


THAT'S  WHAT  YOU  GET  WHEN  YOU  READ  THIS  .MAG- 
AZINE. YOU  WILL  GET  VARIETY  IN  FOOD  IF  YOU  EAT  AT 


Gilliland's  Cafeteria 

117  South  Race  Street— Urbana 


♦ — 


13] 


JDUEN 


Cy^  WANT 
[COMFO/ZT/ 


Heating  is  our  one  'big  boast 
We  imll  malce  you  ivarm  as 
toast. 

— from  tin:  proverbs  of  Mr.  Quiil; 


IS  your  house  comforta- 
ble? Is  there  plenty  of 
heat?  No.  Well,  why 
not  ask  us  to  help  you  out. 
We  find  the  way  and  teli 
you  the  cost  at  once. 


L.  W.  Apperson 

URBANA 


Main  906 


120  S.  Race  St. 


I 

*.■ 

+- 
I 
I 
I 
1 


Bad  Practice 

Mis.  Keddy — "AVliy  don't  yoii 
Jet  your  Willie  jday  l)aseball  with 
the  other  boy.s?" 

Mrs.  Greene — "A  part  of  the 
i;:iiiie  is  stealiiij;  liases,  and  I'm 
afraid  it  might  have  a  had  iii- 
riiicuce". 

— "Tojiics  rif  llir  Da  if  FUnifi. 
S 

•Micky:  <Hi,  shi'  j,'iit  aiiyry  when 
i  kissed  her. 

Difky:    She  did? 
Micky:    Yeh,  every  time. 

S ■ 

"I  see  you  believe  in  keeping 
away  from  tobacco." 

"Yes,  just  inhaling  distance." 

iS 

Ebeuezer :    "How  long  did  you 

say  that  son  o'yourn  has  been  at 

Illinois  ?" 
Josiah:    "Waal —  'bout  sixteen 

head  o'  cattle  'n  twenty  acres  o' 

corn." 


Give  Her 

Schuler 
Bros. 

Homemade 
Candies 

MAIN  STREET 
CHAMPAIGN 


IFc  havr  for  your  inspection 
mail)/  u>ii(jiir  (irtivlis  hi  jrirrlri/ 
(1)1(1  art  (j<j(jds 


Antique  Cameos 
a  Specialty 

A  IJig  Line  of  Latest  Bo.k  Stationery 

WE  DO   WATCH   AND  JEWELRY 

REPAIRING 

CARD   PLATE   ENGRAVING 

Prices  are  Moderate 


The  Ray  L.  iBowman 
Jewelry  Company 

Miss  Ray  L.  Bowman,  Manager 
205  N.  Neil  St.      Hamilton  Bldg.,  Champaign 


t- 

! 
I 
I 

P 

! 
1 
I 

i 

I 

B 

I 


Hot  and  Cold 
Ice  Cream 


I 
I 

[4] 


Eat  ice  cream  in  the  summer  because 
it  is  frozen,  and  will,  in  melting,  elim- 
inate a  certain  amount  of  your  excess 
heat.  Eat  it  in  the  winter  because  the 
butter-fat,  eggs,  and  sugar  in  ice  cream 
are  all  efficient  heat-producers. 

Only  be  sure  that  the  cream  you  get 
is  ours.  Then  you  can  be  sure  that  it 
not  only  will  have  the  flavor  that  has 
made  it  the  favorite,  but  you  will  have 
the  assurance  that  the  ingredients  will 
be  of  the  highest  standard  of  quality 
and  purity.  It  pays  to  insist  on  our  ice 
cream. 


Phones: 
Garfield  2107 
Main  175 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

111-115  E.  University  Street 


miEN 


S   Main   Street,  Champaign 


Phones:   Garfield  1121;   Main  1 


WHOI^SALE 


Smith  &  Picard 

Meats  Brought  from  the  Farm  to  You  Direct 


HOME  KILLED  MEATS,  POULTRY,  PORK 
AND  LARD 

"Ctmmpaign's  Cleanest  Market" 


RETA1I> 


-+ 

i 


I 

I 

I 

I 
•4 


A  Man's  Idea  of  a  Woman 

Any  III  tractive  member  of  the  other  sex  between 
The  ages  of  U!  and  27.  Something  very  swec^t — very 
lovely — very  danjierous,  tlu'  less  brains  the  more 
(lanjiei-ons.  A  Ininli-ess  of  men  with  rolled  socks 
and  cerise  lips.  Slie  had  no  moral  sense.  tSinnous. 
Djer-kiss.  She  is  a  tenuons  octopus  trying  to  en- 
snare the  helpless  male.  She  is  a.s  mysterious  as  the 
Sphin.v.  Her  mind  is  shallow,  yet  she  has  a  sti-ange 
.subtle  power  over  the  sterner  sex.  She  is  a  little 
devil,  and  the  cause  of  all  the  crime  and  misery  in 
the  world — look  at  Samson,  the  Trojan  W'av.  and 
Proliibiti<ui.    Cherchez  la  femme! 

— S 


^V  man  does  not   look  behind  Ihe  door  unless  he 
slood  there  himself. 


A  Seemingly  Incomplete  Verse 

On   a    hillside  near  Manassas, 

Where  the  bu.sy   little  bee 

Buzzes  busily  fi'om  breakfast. 

Up  to,  yes,  and  after  (ea  ; 

Whei-e  the  crocus  vines  are  croaking 

By  the  gently  running  rill, 

Is  a  spot  the  family  treasures; 

Tis— I  know  it    is  their  still. 


Of  all  that  nu)ves  and  breathes  u]ion  lh(>  ear 
Xolhing  is  found  more  unstable  than  man. 
— liridi/cs :    ••'I'lif   Rilinii  nf  r/i/.v.vc.v.' 

S 


Ih. 


All  men  become  goo<l  creatui'cs — but  so  slow. 


House  Managers 


A  New  White  Line  Service 

At  the  end  of  the  school  year  we  will  take  all  your  rugs,  drapes,  cur- 
tains and  linens  and  store  them  through  the  siunmer,  returning  them  to 
you  at  the  beginning  of  school  in  the  fall. 

All  insured  while  in  our  care. 

White  Line  Laundry 

Main  406 


I 


[5j 


HKEN 

The  Gateway! 

To  the  World's  Resources 


All  over  the  world  men  are  laboring 
to  supply  us  with  the  latest  and 
most  improved  articles  of  trade. 
Far  away  to  the  north  by  the  edge 
of  the  woods,  bustUng  paper  mills 
work  for  us  and  for  you. 


Countless  workers  all  over  the 
United  States  guide  their  hands 
and  machines  by  what  we  and  you 
want.  Our  debt  to  all  these  people 
is  a  heavy  one- 


This  store  is  the  gateway  through  which  many  trade  rivulets,  streams,  and  rivers 
pasf=.    To  these,  then,  we  give  acknowledgement  and  thanks: 

and    to   many   others, — too    numerous    to    mention,    but    erjually    helpful    in    making    our 
lives  more  pleasant. 


To  A.  G.  Spalding  &  Bros. : 

that  great  producer  of  fine  athletic 
goods. 

To  Converse  Rubber  Co. : 

makers  of  real  athletic  shoes. 


To  Shaw-Walker: 

the  original  office-supply  manufac- 
turers. Built  like  a  skyscraper. 

To  Waterman,  ConkUn, 
Shaeffer,  and  Moore : 

who  are  responsible  tor  the  great 
advance  in  the  art  of  using  pen  and 
ink. 

To  Dennison: 

the  creator  of  novelties — paper  flow- 
ers, favors,  tags,  festoons,  confetti, 
and  fancy  napkins. 

To  Eastman : 

the   genius  of  photography. 

To  LePax : 

the  apostles  of  "system." 


To  Book  Publishers : 

the  Macmillan  Company,  Henry 
Holt,  John  Wiley  &  Sons,  McGraw- 
Hill  Book  Company,  D.  C.  Heath 
Company,  D.  Appleton  &  Company, 
and  many  other  faithful  servants. 


To  Drawing  Equipment 
Makers: 

EUGENE  DIETZGEN  COMPANY, 
skillful  and  painstaking  artisans,  ex- 
cel all  others. 

To  Makers  of  Stationery: 

Eaton,  Crane  &  Pike  Company, 
Hampshire  Paper  Company,  Whit- 
ing Paper  Company. 


To  the  Joy  Makers- 
Music  Dealers: 


-the 


Carl  Fischer,  G.  Schirmer,  Boston 
Music  Co.,  Publishers,  Feist,  Berlin, 
Waterson,  Berlin  &  Snyder,  Lyon 
&  Healy,  Forester,  etc. 


"YOUR  GATE^VAY  TO  THE  MARKETS  OF  THE  WORLD" 


'Chuck"  Bailey 


606  E.  Green  St. 


Shelby  Himes 


[6] 


muEN 


^iiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMDiiiimiiiiiniii □iiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDii] iiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiaiimii oiiiiiii aiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiii v" 


What's  a  Girl  to  Do? 


oil,  loi-',  tlierc's  soineTliiiif;  wront;  with  every  oiii'  of  theiul  EitluM-  lie's  l)o\v-l(\ti;S('<l,  oi" 
he's  ali-eady  eiif^aged,  or  he  dauees  like  a  Juggernaut,  or  he  hasn't  even  a  Ford,  or  he  wears 
green  socks,  or  he  is  so  witty  that  he  takes  all  the  joy  out  of  life,  or  he  is  so  low-hrow  that 
lie  hasn't  heard  of  Frend  or  Schropenliauer,  or  even  Ezra  Pound,  or  he  is  so  liandsoiiie  that 
he  is  not  guaranteed  to  wear  well,  or  his  favorite  sport  is  chewing  gum,  or,  in  order  to 
economize,  he  wants  to  sit  in  the  parlor  evei\v  night  instead  of  taking  a  poor  girl  any  i>lace. 
or  he  is  cr<»ss-eyed,  or  he  can't  think  of  anything  to  say  after  he  calls  one  up  on  the  tele- 
phone, or  he  believes  that  woman's  place  is  in  the  home,  or  he  has  no  romantic  "past.'" 
either  experienced  or  to  be  experienced,  or  bis  dime  emporium  sachet  stifles  one,  or  he  wears 
a  sombrero,  or  he  is  a  cynic  and  despises  women  because  they  are  only  dolls,  or  else  he 
loves  one  for  one's  brains  alone,  or  he  stutters,  or  he  isn't  an  athlete,  nor  an  editor,  nor 
even  on  the  Senior  Breakfast  Committee,  or  it  makes  him  sick  to  smoke,  or — well,  you  know 
how  it  is  youi'self.  It  certainly  is  liaid  on  a  girl  who  considers  it  her  highest  duty  lo  marry. 
It  certaiidv  is  aiiiiovinn 


"aiiiiiiiniiiDiiiiiniiiiiaiiiiiiuiiiitiiiiiuiuiiiaiiiiiuiiiiiDiiiiiuiiniaiiiMiiiiiiiaiiiniiiiiiiBiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiinuiiiiiiiiMiiaiuiiiin^ 

[7] 


J.  A.  Nlx'KOlls.  Business  Manager;  R.  R.  Fowi.er,  Assistant  Business  Manager;  R.  J.  Wkiier,  Advertising  Manager;  R.  H. 
Fkkguson,  Circulation  Manager.  Assistants:  B.  Cowan,  B.  Hurd,  H.  Fechtnian,  F.  Moclion,  J.  Keth,  S.  Fortier,  Mary 
Werts,  Helen  Booth.  W.  C.  Rankle.  W.  Meents,  G.  A.  Redemski. 

This  Issue  of  The  Siren  Was  Edited  by  Members  of  Pi  Chapter  of  Theta  Sigma  Phi,  Women 's 

Honorary  Journalistic  Fraternity 

Published  monthly  by  the  lUini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  Illinois,  during  the  college  year.  Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the 
postoffice  at  Urba'na,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879.  Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price,  $1.50  the 
year   local,  $1.75  by  mail.    Address  all  communications  to    106  University   Hall,  Urbana,  Illinois. 


On  Man,  in  Gentle  Fashion 

The  Siren  lady  shakes  a  fin  this  month  at  Man.  Ir- 
ritated by  the  vitriolic  asperrions  continually  cast  at  her 
by  a  staff  made  up  largely  of  highly  critical  and  sarcastic 
young  manhood,  she  welcomes  a  staff  of  her  own  sex  and 
the  opportunity  to  make  a  few  retorts  courteous  or  re- 
plies churlish,  as  the  case  may  be,  to  much  that  has  gone 
before.  She  contends  that  woman  has  no  monopoly  on  the 
irrationalities  and  imbecilities  of  a  nuper-sophlsticated  age. 
and  she  intends  to  view  Man  with  her  nonsensical,  satir- 
ical, and  critical  eye  and  then  expose  his  vanities  and 
asininities  in  a  gentle,  lady-like  way.  She  accepts  him  for 
what  he  is;    she  has  no  purpose  to  reform  him. 

• S 


On  Obsolescence 


Sending  fraternity  freshman  out  to  sorority  houses 
for  dinner  is  a  remnant  of  the  public  initiation  ceremony 
which  has  been  largely  abolished.  Like  the  other  forms 
of  publicity,  it  is  doomed  becase  it  is  an  old  story.  To  see 
one  freshman  go  through  his  paces  once  might  be  moder- 
ately funny.  With  repetition,  the  high  school  yell  or  the 
art  of  eating  peas  with  a  knife  is  less  side-splitting. 

By  the  time  the  initiation  season  is  over  the  sisters 
have  taken  to  smothered  yawns  and  they  cast  about  for  ex- 


cuses to  leave  the  table  early.  Food  is  wasted  on  men 
that  are  in  no  shape  to  appreciate  it,  the  women  are 
bored,  and  the  victim  is  agonized.  It  would  be  a  kindne.ss 
to  everyone  to  keep  the   freshman  at  home. 

S 


On  the  Campus  Playhouse 

Sock  and  Buskin,  long  having  gypsied  al)out  from  the 
Auditorium  to'  Morrow  Hall,  to  the  Illinois  theatre  and 
back  inevitably  to  Morrow  Hall,  are  at  la  t  to  find  a  per- 
manent shelter  on  the  Illinois  campus. 

Sigma  Delta  Phi,  the  Player's  Club,  Mask  and  Bauble, 
Pierrot,  and  the  other  drama-thirsty  populace  of  the  Uni- 
versity community  have  at  last  conceived  an_d  brought 
forth  the  Drama  League.  "Our  hearts,  our  hopes,  our 
prayers,  our  tears,  are  all  with  thee,  are  all  with  thee!" 

S 


I 


On  the  1922  Opera 


"Tea  Time  in  Tibet"  is  in  the  process  of  synthesis 
and  will  be  ready  to  serve  to  the  university  pulilic  April 
7  and  8.  There  will  be,  of  course,  the  usual  display  of 
muscular  backs  between  the  beaded  straps  of  formal 
dresses  in  the  chorus  scenes,  and  the  ludicrous  exhibition 
of  a  man's  interpretation  of  high  heels.  We  will  gasp  with 
pleasure  when  the  leading  lady  first  appears,  only  to  be 
shocked  into  breathlessness  when  she  speaks  in  her  bass 
voice. 

We  are  hoping  for  some  good  solo  dancing,  good 
music  (even  if  the  words  are  senseless),  and  clever  lines. 
And  we  do  beseech  you,  O  Director,  see  that  the  chorus 
girls'  dresses  hang  straighter  than  they  did  last  year,  and 
at  a  length  at  least  moderately  compatible  with  prevail- 
ing styles! 


[8] 


SIREN 


On  General  Pershing 


On  Serenades 


General  John  J.  Pershing,  sans  parly  and  formality, 
looked  over  the  University  —  or  more  accurately  the  s-tu- 
dent  brigade  —  last  month.  After  award  of  company  med- 
als, a  speech  which  was  applauded  if  not  heard,  some  Illi- 
nois yells  (including  one  for  "Black  Jack,"  the  appellation 
we  understand  the  General  abhors),  and  tea  with  President 
David  Kinley,  he  departed  leaving  the  flavor  of  a  pleasant 
personality  mingled  with  dignity  in  his  wake. 
S 


On  a  Recent  Visitor 


A  cat  may  look  at  a  king  (though  tlierc  aren't  many 
left  to  look  at  nowadays)  and  even  the  most  phlegmatic 
and  inarticulate  of  undergraduates  may  l)e  allowed  to  at- 
tempt an  appreciation  of  one  whom  Stuart  Pratt  Sherman 
designated  as  "certainly  one  of  the  authorities  in  the  field 
of  American  literature."  The  phlegmatic  one  is  used  to 
being  told  that  Prof.  Dry-as-Dust  is  an  authority  in  this 
field  or  that,  the  assumption  being  based  upon  the  pro- 
fessor's steadfastness  in  counting  appearances  of  the  word 
"the"  in  the  works  that  came  from  the  pen  of  Mr.  Died- 
LongAgo.  So  the  phlegmatic  one  took  his  seat  before  Dr. 
Carl  Van  Doren.  assistant  professor  of  English  at  Colum- 
bia University  and  literary  editor  of  the  Nation,  with  not 
very  high  hopes  for  a  happy  evening  in  his  phlegmatic 
breast.  He  didn't  miss  a  single  lecture  thereafter.  He 
was  stirred  to  the  depths  of  his  inarticulate  soul  for  the 
aot  phrases  and  surprisingly  happy  turns  of  expression 
that  colored  and  lighted  up  the  lectures  that  were  not  mere 
surface  smartness  but  the  product  of  a  mind  with  deep 
insight,  a  mind  that  saw  the  affairs  of  the  day  in  a  multi- 
tude of  phases  and  relations  to  other  affairs.  If  others  of 
Dr.  Van  Doren's  kind  come  here  to  lecture,  the  phlegmatic 
one  will  have  to  unravel  all  his  fine-spun  theories  about 
dry-as-dust   professors. 

S 


On  tlie  Senior  Picnic 


The  ghost  of  our  high  school  days  is  walking.  The 
senior  cla"s  picnic  is  with  us  again.  The  erudite  seniors 
will  forget  the  approaching  agony  of  the  Burrill  avenue 
cap-and-gown  parade  and  will  frolic,  gladsome,  on  the  allu- 
vial terraces  of  Crystal  Lake  park.  Foiled  in  its  plans  for 
a  hick  party  earlier  in  the  year,  the  senior  class  will  still 
get  its  chance  to  rough-house.  "The  party  will  be  a  real 
get-together,"  says  the  annoncement.  That  is,  those  who 
know  each  other  will  get  dates  and  go.  Most  of  those  who 
don't  won't.  Tho  e  who  do  picnic  will  enjoy  the  spring 
beauties  of  the  wild-wood,  and  twelve  or  fifteen  people 
will  get  their  names  in  the  paper  for  membership  on  the 
august  committee   that  plans   the  festival. 

Perhaps   the   class   could   have   a    hike   or   an    Orph<;um 
party.  Then  there  would  be  more  committees  to  appoint. 


Just  when  one  has  readied  the  point  of  concentration, 
after  the  argument  between  two  fre.shmen  next  door  has 
been  quelled.  Birdie  has  stopped  playing  her  ukelele,  and 
Lizzie  ha-,  at  last  bade  her  lover  good-night  over  the  wire, 
when  all  is  still,  except  for  one's  room-mate  typing  a  theme 
and  singing  "Yoo  Hoo,"  when  one's  cerebrum  seems  al- 
most ready  to  accommodate  a  new  wrinkle — then — lh<! 
serenaders  burst  upon  ones  ear. 

They  rend  the  air  with  morbid  yowls  about  moons 
and  blues;  they  beat  tom-toms  for  accompaniment,  and 
their  tenor  sounds  like  a  tog-horn  calling  its  mate;  they 
trample  on  our  tulips  which  were  just  coming  up,  throw 
c'garettes  on  our  impeccable  lawn  and  wa  te  an  hour  of 
our  precious  time — but,  bless  their  hearts,  how  we  love 
'em,  one  and  all,  and  how  our  hearts  clatter  against  our 
ribs  as  they  warble  and  wheeze,  and  how  we  look  at  the 
stars  and  s'gh   in  ecta'v.    Isn't   it   silly? 


On  the  Band 


There  are  Illinois  institutions  and  "annuals"  without 
number,  but  the  one  time  in  the  year  when  our  pride 
wells  up  and  overflows  in  pure  ecstacy  is  the  occasion  of 
the  annual  band  concert.  The  whole  college  year  o£fers 
nothing  in  the  way  of  entertainment  that  we  like  better 
or  enjoy  more  thoroughly.  We  like  the  selections,  we  like 
the  rendition,  and  we  like  the  touch  of  originality  and 
nonsense  in  the  interlude.  ".\  Bit  of  College  Life." 

IS 


On  a  Recent  Idiotism 


The  senior  —  and  male  of  the  species  —  is  at  it  again. 
Not  content  with  the  dignity  of  his  station  and  years,  the 
adoption  of  bored  airs  and  affectation  of  meerschaums,  he 
introduces  the  gates-ajar  collar.  Sweet  memories  of  Dan- 
iel  Webster,   we   ask — what's   behind   it? 

Our  question  box  brought  forth  trick  Adam's  apples, 
politics,  fads  and  budding  sedateness.  But  we  beg,  oh 
mighty  ones,  enlightenment! 


[9] 


HREN 


Here's  A  Toast 

1  asked  ln'i-  wliat  slicM  most  admire 

In  any  man  she'd  clioose; 
[She  thought  a  while,  then  answere<l  me. 

And  gave  these  as  her  views — 
He  must  he  strong,  and  enltiired  too. 

And  also,  must  be  sweet, 
He  must  have  skill  and  lots  of  brains, 

Be  gi-icefnl  on  his  feet. 
1  marked  llieni  down  and  promised  lier 

I'd  fill  eacli  dream  sJie  had  ; 
1  did  each  one  that  she  reciuired. 

And  didn't  do  'em  bad. 

I  sliowed  my  strengtli  miiaeiilous 

By  heaving  np  a  weight; 
When  I  was  done  she  tossed  it  up 

At  twice  as  fast  a  rate. 
For  culture,  I  recited  i)oems. 

Such  stuff  as  Dan  ;M"<irew, 
She  called  a  halt  and  finished  it. 

And  gave  some  Arnold  too. 
1  showered  her  with  attentions 

To  show  I  could  be  sweet, 
But  when  she  ])uckered  up  her  lips 

1  knew  she  had  me  beat. 

xVt  skill,  I  tried  to  palm  some  cards. 

And  wasn't  bad  at  that; 
But  with  a  mystic  pass  she  took 

A  rabbit  from  ray  hat. 
And  hiains;  I  figured  proldenis  tiiat 

A^'ould  gi\e  my  Prof,  a  tit; 
\Miile  she  told  me  each  answer. 

And  then  worked  some  'analit.' 
1  danced  with  jier  to  show  my  grace 

Till  I  was  in  a  daze, 
And  then  slie  said  "Let's  keep  riglit  on, 

1  know  five  other  ways." 

And  so,  since  she  can  do  eacii  tiling, 

Lois  better  than  I   can 
I'll  say  Unit  you're  a  better  man 

Thau  I  am,  Liza  Aun. 


— A.L.S. 


-S- 


A  Study  in  Futures 

lOvery  man  is  practically  tliree  men.  Tiiere  is 
tlie  mail  you  know  liefore  lie  proposes;  tiiere  is  the 
man  you  have  accepted;  lliere  is  the  man  you  Innb 
married. 

— HohhcNi   "TJir.  Wlsdoiit.  of  the  '[Vise.' 


Old  Maid's  Hymn  of  Joy 

(Witli  ajiologics  to  Doctor  Laudis) 
'Sly  lieart  leaps  u]i  wlien  I  beliold 
The  men  my  girl  friends  marry. 
So  small  are  they,  or  thin  of  chest. 
Or  tall  and  bald,  like  all  the  rest. 
(I'm  wi.se;  I'll  never  marry  1 1 
My  chin  held  high,  my  garments  of  tlie  best. 
(My  lone  ipiest  stop'd  ere  it  began  i. 
I   seek   things  new,    (Thank  (iodli    iiniiamiieied   by 
a  man. 

—Doniihi/  /fill. 
S 

Evening  Thouglit 

i)o  you  ever  sit  and  ponder  as  the  evening  sliadows   ^ 
fall,  f 

Just  why  we  go  on  working  and  just  wliat  it  means 
at  air.' 

Do   you   ever  see  the   beauty    in   liie   sunset's   fiery 
glow. 

And  just  feel  your  lieart  a-pining  fm-  that  someone 
yon  don't  know"? 

Then  ihe  wliile  you  sit  and  ponder  on. the  meaning 
of  it  all. 

Hear  the  tinkle  of  the  dinner  bell  and  hungry  voices 
call'.' 

And  the  sunset's  rarest  beauty  seems  to  fade  and 
die  away 

As  you  realize  your  tiimiiiie's  weak  which  nudu's  yon 
feel  that  way. 

S- 

MIKE  AND  JIM  -  HE  LOOKS  LIKE  H1R  = 


""Where  did  ijou  say  ijouiwere  shot?" 

"Belleau  Wood!' 

""What  do  uou  moan  -  in  the  neck? 


[10] 


JIKEN 


Ode  to  Friendship 

No   more   fond    love    shall    wound   my 

breast, 
In  all  his  smiles  deceitful  dressed. 
I  scorn  his  coward  sway; 
And  now  with  pleasure  can  explore 
The  galling  chains  I  felt   before 
Since  I  am  free  today. 


Today  with    friendship   I'll   rejoice, 
Whilst    dear    Percival's    gentle    voice. 
Shall   soften  every  care; 
O.  Algernon  of  the  joy  sincere! 
The  social  sigh!    the  pleasing  swear! 
Thy  noble  pin  I'll  wear. 

^\■||en  first,  ill-fated,  hapless  hour! 
My  soul   confessed  Percy's   power, 
Algernon  shar'd  my  grief; 
And  leaning  on  his  skinny  breast 
The  fatal  passion  I  confessed 
And  found  a  soft  relief. 

O.   much   lov'd   man!     Whilst   life   re- 
mains 
To  thee   I'll   consecrate  my   strains. 
For  thee  I'll  tune  my  lyre 
And  echoing  with  my  sweetest  lays. 
The  vocal  hills  shall  speak  the  praise 
Of  Friendship's  sacred  fire. 

—Dorothy    Hill. 

March  6,   1756. 

Arranged    for   the   piano   from   "The 
Old  Maid." 


Today's  Ettiquette 


■       Hi'h'iic :    -My  Dcai-,  if  you  arc  in 
!  (I(nil)t  aliuut  liow  a  ililitai-y   Hall 

qiU'iMi   slidulil   act.  cimsiill    the  cli- 
;   <iiK'Ut'    l)0(ik     ill     till-     riiivcfsiiy 

libvnry  the  im)i-iiiii<j  of  the  liall. 
—Alice   Hen   Bolt. 


from  tfie 

BoiiGvnrd 
^nology. 


Down   the   sluggish  meanders 

Where  pebbl'd  sands 

Lay  under  the  heavy,  leaden  sky. 

Floated   Professor  Deadwon, 

Whose  sepuchral  voice 

Spake,  saying: 

"For  forty  years  as  a 

Professor  of  history  in  a  center 

Of  learning  I  disseminated 

Obsolete,  medieval,   and 

Remote  cultures  from 

Out  yellowed,  dusty  tomes 

And  ancient  chronicles. 

There  is  no  authority  equal  to 

A  source  book. 

I  gave  the  same  lectures 

From  the  same  notes 

In  the  same  words  to  the 

Same  shallow-,  senseless 

Young  minds,  year  upon  year. 

Our  culture  is  a  heap  of  ashes. 

Those  who  pride  themselves  upon 

Being  modern   are  chasing  phantoms. 

I   had  an   ingrowing  mind. 

But  at  least  found   pleasure 

In  ray  own  reflections. 

I  never  smiled  once." 


Famous  Liars 

Xapoleoii :  ■■Once  ii|ioii  a  lime 
I  wo  yoiiiif;  ctdlejie  fools  j^ot  eii- 
{iajjed.    They  later  married. 

<ieo.  Wa.shiiigton :  "Father,  1 
could  not  tell  a  lie". 

— Sini  J )i)(l !/(!-. 
S 

".V  iliiii";  of  heaiity  is  a  joy  Im- 
ever".  were  the  w.oids  ol'  the  ail- 
mii;ilile  Keals — which  only  };oes 
on  1o  show  that  Keats  was  never 
mariicd. — I'llicdii. 


What  Collej*e  Does  for 
the  American  Girl 

First   Year 

Fresh  from  the  prairie  high  school 
and  homo  influences.  Shortens  her 
skirts.  Has  her  hair  marcelled.  Forms 
a  crush  on  her  lOnglish  professor. 
Stops  saying  her  prayers.  Cultivates 
a  taste  for  jazz. 

Second   Year 

Establishes  the  Orpheuni  habit. 
Shorten  ■  her  skirts.  Stops  reading' 
Longfellow  and  takes  up  Omar  Khay- 
yam. Falls  in  love  with  either  Chuck 
Carney  or  George  Chandler.  Starts  to 
revivify  her  school-girl  complexion. 

Third   Year 

Shortens  her  skirts.  Bobs  her  hair. 
Takes  F.  Scott  Fitzgerald  to  heart. 
Dances  cheek  to  cheek.  Becomes  a 
man-hater  a  short  space  of  time.  Puts 
the  finishing  touches  on  her  "line." 
Flunks  a  course. 

Fourth  Year 

Takes  up  :  ocialism,  cigarettes  and 
ear-rings.  Develops  a  temperament. 
Reads  the  Siren.  Becomes  an  atheist. 
Shortens  her  skirts.  Takes  a  home  ec 
course  and  marries  a  man  she  met  at 
a  Shan  Kive — Alas! 

S 


Sure  'Nuf 


\  )(i  villi   know  I'aniiy '.' 
J-'anny  who'.' 

'!'"   any    one   calls,    tell    'em    Tm 
iiol   in. 

S 


A\al    di.l    lo  die  of'.' 
\\'li\.  Iodide  of  I'olassinm 


111] 


lOSEN 


i;<iimiiiiiDiniiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiMiiiiiiioiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiuiuii3iiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiiiiiiiiiain 


The  Vanities  of  a  College  Man 


A  waxed  mustache  is  a  care,  but 

after  all,  the  distinction  is  worth  it. 
When  Ferd  came  to  college  he  simply 
had  to  fail  in  line  with  all  the  rest  of  the 
middle-parted,  side-burned,  bandolined 
brothers. 


This  space  reserved  for  the  Sam 
Brown  belt  cherished  by  the  Mili- 
tary  department. 


n 


Consider  tlie  law 

student,  so  over- 
whelmed with  hisown 
superiority,  that  he 
distinguishes  himself 
from  the  common 
mob    with    this. 


Portrait  of  the  vest  of  a  campus 

leader,  who,  to  date,  has  invested  $147.65 
in  fraternity  jewelry.  He  doesn't  wish 
to  be  ostentatious,  but  one  must  stand 
behind    the   organization. 


This   is   Harolde,  the  tea  dance 

king,  who  introduced  the  jazz  bow  two 
years  ago  and  who  hates  to  part  with 
a  style  that  has  come  to  be  most  of  his 
individuality  on   the   campus. 


KlltllllllKllltllllllllllllitllllllllllll 


And  this  section  is  dedicated,  with- 
out embarrassing  illustration,  to  the 
one  house-formal-andprom  outfit,  the 
lugubrious  full   dress  suit. 


The   journalist,   so-called   litera- 

teur,  fancies  this  as  a  conceit. 


rjiiiiiMiiiMiiiiiiiiiiMiiaiiiiiMiiiiiniiiniiiiiiii^iiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii^iiniiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiEiitiiMiiiiiiiiinMiiiMiiiMniiiii^ 

[12] 


SIREN 


How  the  lUini  Got  His  Name 

A  "Just  So"  Story  by  Dorothea  Beeby 


This,  O  Best  Beloved,  is  a  story  of  llie  HirIi  ami  Far- 
Off  Times  before  tlie  man  of  Illinois  hail  siuh  a  'sclusively 
enviable  reputation  among  the  Badgers,  the  Buckeye-,  and 
the  Wolverines  and  the  Razorbacks,  the  Tigers,  the  Goph- 
ers and  all  the  other  distinctly  reputable  University  men. 
He  was  then  only  a  most  extraordinarily  ordinary  man 
from  what  the  Tigers  and  the  Badgers  called  tliat  little- 
one-horse-college-on-the-prairie-all-set-about-w  it  h-corn- fields - 
and-pig-sties. 

Now  this  was  most  'tcrutiatingly  humiliating  to  the 
Man  of  Illinois,  for  though  he  seemed  awkward  and  un- 
aggressive, he  was  really  a  young  fellow  of  active  aspira- 
tions. And  he  knew  and  understood  quite  perfectly  what 
it  was  he  needed  in  order  to  gain  a  'sclusively  enviable 
reputation  among  the  distinctly  reputable  University  men. 
He  needed  a  name  that  sounded  daring  and  distinguished, 
that  marked  him  a  bold,  bad,  never-been-beaten  fighter, 
and  he  needed  a  battle-cry  to  put  fear  into  the  heart:  of 
the  Buckeyes  and  the  Hawkeyes  and  the  Wolverines  when 
they  met  him  on  the  gridiron  or  the  diamond  or  anywhere 
at  all.  Since  this  Man  of  Illinois  was  after  all  a  most 
'stute  young  fellow,  he  knew  that  if  you  are  called  Tiger 
you  will  act  like  a  Tiger,  or  if  you  are  called  Wolverine 
you  must  fight  till  you  die  like  a  Wolverine,  and  if  you 
are  called  nothing  at  all.  you  will  fight  like  nothing  at  all. 
So  he  thought  and  he  thought  and  he  thought,  and  for  the 
life  of  him  he  couldn't  think  of  a  name  brave  enough  or 
fierce  enough  or  never-been-beaten  enough. 

After  he  had  thought  for  many  days,  his  'satiable  cur- 
iosity got  the  best  of  him,  and  he  set  out  for  the  home 
of  the  Tiger  to  ask  him  how  it  was  that  he  happened  to 
choose  that  name.  For,  if  he  knew  how  the  Tiger  thought 
of  his  name,  he  alro  might  think  of  one  too.  Next  morn- 
ing he  started  early,  and  the  Man  of  Illinois  travelled  a 
night  and  a  day  through  corn  fields,  through  wheat  fields, 
through  cities,  and  over  rivers,  up  hills  and  down  liills, 
and  at  last  he  came  to  the  home  of  the  Tiger. 

"0  please  Mr.  Tiger,  will  you  please  tell  me  how  it 
was  that  you  chose  ruch  a  fearfully  fierce  name?"  Mr. 
Tiger  looked  down  at  him  thru  his  thick  black-rimmed 
spectacles,  and  looked  and  looked  and  looked — then  he 
snapped, 

"Humph!  go  away, — don't  bother  me  child." 

"Oh  well,"  raid  the  man  of  Illinois  as  he  trotted  away, 
"the  Tiger  had  no  manners   in   the  lieginning,  he  has  no 


mailers  now,  and  lie  never  will  have  any  maniu'rs.  I'll 
just  go  ask  Mr.   Wolverine." 

So  he  turned  his  face  toward  the  west,  and  hack  he 
trotted  to  the  home  of  his  neiglibor  Mr.  Wolverine.  Now 
Mr.  Wolverine  paid  not  very  much  attention  to  his  West- 
ern neighbors  in  those  High  and  Far-Off  Times,  and  he 
did  not  even  recognize  The  Man  of  Illinois  when  he  met 
liim  on  the  'sclusive  Diagonal  Walk. 

"O  plea-e  Mr.  Wolverine,  will  you  please  tell  me 
how — " 

"Ohhhhh"  roared  Mr.  Wolverine,  "Who  are  you,— you 
cannot  be  a  MICHIGAN  MAN.  Dear  me,  if  it  isn't  the 
Man  of  Illinois  from  that  little-one-horse—" 

But  the  Man  of  Illinois  had  stuck  his  fingers  into  his 
ears  and  was  already  well  on  his  way  toward  the  home  of 
Mr.  Buckeye. 

Mr.  Buckeye  is  most  exceedingly  fond  of  athletics, 
and  when  the  Man  of  Illinois  arrived,  he  was  standing 
before  his  home  swinging  two  enormou  ly  large  baseball 
bats  with  extraordinary  swiftness.  He  did  not  see  the  man 
of  Illinois  as  he  came  up  from  behind,  so  the  Man  of 
Illinois  began  in   his  most  meek  small  voice — 

"O  please — "  But  he  never  got  any  farther,  for  Air. 
Buckeye  turned  suddenly,  and  one  of  the  enormously  large 
baseball  bats  hit  him   rmack  on  the  head. 

The  Man  of  Illinois  fell  to  the  ground  seeing  brilliant, 
bright  twinkling  stars,  and  as  the  stars  faded  away  one 
by  one,  he  began  to  dream  a  beautiful  dream,  faint  and 
indistinct  at  first,  but  gradually  growing  clearer.  He  dreaiii- 
ed  that  he  was  an  Indian  chieftain  with  a  band  of  the 
bravest,  strongest,  truest  warriors  and  hunters  in  the 
world,  and  that  he  and  his  fighter:;  were  hunting  tigers 
and  wolverines  and  badgers  and  gophers  in  a  large  green- 
ish, darkish,  coolish  forest,  and  that  they  could  either 
tame  or  conquer  these  animals  as  they  chose,  because  of 
their  great  skill  and  bravery.  He  dreamed  that  these 
Indians  called  themselves  lUini  and  that  their  battle-cry 
was  Okie-Wow-Wow,  loud,  and  deep,  and  fierce.  And 
when  the  Man  of  Illinois  awoke,  he  knew  that  at  last  his 
'satiable  curiosity  had  found  him  a  name. 

And  ever  since  then.  Best  Beloved,  the  Man  of  Illinois 
lias  been  a  great  fighter  because  he  has  a  never-been-beaten 
name.  And  never  since  then  have  the  distinctly  reputable 
University  men  called  Illinois  that  little  one-horse-college- 
all-set-about-with-cornfields-and-pig-sties  but  always,  tlie 
Great   Illinois,  home  of   the   Fighting   Illini. 


HKEN 


One  Speed  in  Reverse 

Ouce  Upon  A  Time  tliere  wais  a  Boy.  The  Boy 
was  the  Pride-of-the  County  Seat.  His  Clothes  were 
the  Latest  of  Markseiihcimer. 

All  the  ;N'atives  said,  "The  Boy  is  Swift." 

He  Cut  a  Nasty  Swath  in  his  own  Precinct. 

The  Father  of  the  "Finest-froiuthe-Farni"  had 
gathered  Many  Shekels  in  His  Journey  tlirough  this 
Vale  of  Tears.  The  County  Cut  Up  was  the  Apple- 
of-His-Eye,  and  he  lavished  Many  Lire  upon  him. 
But  in  the  Courseof-Tinie  he  Bought  the  Boy  out 
of  Many  Misfortunes  and  grew  Slightly  Fatigued 
of  Doling  out  the  Dollars.  And  so,  he  then  did 
Issue  Warning.  But  the  Boy  heeded  not  the  "Hand- 
Writing-ou-the-Floor"  and  oftimes  spoke  of  the  Old 
Gent  as  "a   Dub-Who-Always-Came-Tlirongh."" 

In  due  time  I'apa  packed  him  off  to  College  To 
Be  Cultured. 

Upon  arriving,  he  discovered  that  to  get  the 
True  College  Atmosphere,  one  must  needs  Gin  Him- 
self for  Many  Moons.  So  he  became  Proficient  in 
the  gentle  Art  of  Equitation  of  the  Upper  Deck  of 
a  Light  Colored  Pack  Animal.  The  Father,  hearing 
of  the  Constant  Carousal,  sent  orders  for  the  Sabo- 
tage to  cease.   It  ceased  not — neither  did  it  Falter. 

A  fortnight  passed,  and  Those  Higher  Up  in 
the  Educational  Oasis  informed  our  Hero  that,  as 
the  "Face  On  the  Barroom  Floor"  was  not  the  only 
Requisite,  he  had  better  Have-A-Talk  with  some 
Ticket  Agent  about  the  Comforts  of  Travel. 

Upon  arriving  on  the  Village  Greensward  he 
found  No  Band  to  Greet  Him.  Thinking  that  pos- 
sibly the  player  of  tlie  Several  Gallon  Horn  might 
be  ill,  he  worried  not,  but  Hurried  Home.  Here  The 
Inhabitant  of  the  Fish  Hook  About-Faced. 

Father  greeted  Him  with  the  Well  Known 
Glassy  Stare  and  remarked,  '"Grasp  Ozone." 

Our  Hero  was  cast  on  the  Sea-of-Life  with 
Nary  a  Life  Preserver. 


Moral :  Sharpen  not  The  Axe  for  the  "Goose  who 
layeth  the  Golden  Egg,"  but  rather  fish  yourself  on 
Friday. 

S 

Jlcu    never   think    tlieir    fortune   too    great    nor 
llieir  wit  too  little. 

' S 

A  man  is  not  better  than  his  conversal  ion. 


The  Robber  Barren 

'\\'ifli  caprices  apjialling:  would  l)e  entliralling. 

^'anity  stricken,  with  excry  move  calling 

For  bounteous  fhitterv;  set  for  a  l)attery 

Strong  of  sweet  glances,  every  look  met 

A\'ith  an  eye  for  selection  twix  lilonde  and  brunette. 

livery  lady's  heart  swaying.  Iiis  jiledge  pins  display- 
ing, 

Bandolined,  glyceriiu^d,  every  act  saying 

"I  am  the  class  of  tlie  l>arty  this  evening. 

My  apparent  distinction  brooks  no  opposition, 

Fools  oidy  deny  my  exalted  positifui." 

'Fore  he  enters  tlie  dwelling  come  dire  odors  fore; 
telling 

Of  Wild  Hoot  or  ilaudeen,  dear  <iod  what  a  snielliu!: 

Jlingled  with  those  of  the  lilac  and  rose. 

Chic  Ai-row  collar  and  tweed  suit  which   inai-ks 

Him  a  walking  Idllboard  for  Mart,  Haffner,  and 
Sharx. 


■ 
1 


I 


Joke  inured,  manicured,  suave,  entertaining. 
With  wit  not  original,  yet  always  refraining 
From  remarks  unconventional,  trite  or  faux  paux. 
Man,  ye  cannot,  ye  dare   not.   wliile  clothed   so  in 

bluff 
Deny  that   from   woman   thou'rt  stealing  thy  stuff. 
S 

To  Man 

Ye  have  sung  me  your  songs,  ye  have  chanted  your 

rimes, 
1 1  scorn  your  beguiling,  O  JIanli 
Ye  fondle  me  now,  but  to  strike  nie  bi'times. 
(A  treacherous  lover  is  man!) 

S 


It  Do  Thrill 

••AN'illiam,"  rejirimanded  his  friend,  "every  once 
in  a  while  I  catch  you  kissing  some  pretty  chorus 
girl,  that's  no  way  for  a  niariied  man  to  act.  AA'liy 
do  you  do  it? 

"I  like  to  feel  the  ditterence  between  deliglitfid 
ac(|uiescense  and  frantic  co-oiieration."  said  William. 

— A.L.S. 

S 

Every  man  is  occasionally  what  he  onglit  to  he 
perpetually. 

S— 


[14] 


SIREN 


Barbed  Thrust 

Says   llif   wily   r:mipus   vciItT   to 
llic  (niiipiis  caiKliiliilc : 

"1  could  not   lo\c  I  lice.  (tear,  so 
well. 

Lovcil  1  not  lioiioi-s  nioic." 

,S 


Another  Moon  River 

I  siua  of  liltlc  .liiiiniy  \\'iij;hi 

A  bear  in  clu'iiiistry. 

He  likiHl  to  play  with  dynainiti' 

And  mix  up  T.N.T. 

And  oft  he  tried  to  bet  his  c-ash. 

That  lie  could  jday  around : 

At  stirring;  up  his  nitrate  iiasli. 

And  never  leave  the  ground, 

A  loud  report  I    Then  weep  now 

kin 
For  .linniiy  foolish   p*l). 
Alas,  we'll  never  bet  our  tin. 
The  angels  took  him  up. 

S 


If  I'ncle  Tom  was  living  we 
know  where  he  could  get  ."^S.I.Od  a 
nioHili  Tor  liis  cabin. 

S 


Blessed    ai-(>    the    lowbrow,    foi- 
they  shall    inlicril   ihc  earth. 

S 


The    co-ed.    iudigiiantly.    to    The 
shoe  reformer: 

"F  am  the  captain  of  my  fe(>t — 
J  am  the  master  of  mv  soles." 


-S- 


Miss  Gertrude  Flapper  says — "Be- 
ing a  flapper  is  distinctly  the  privil- 
ege of  our  sex.  I  protest  vigorously 
against  the  attempts  of  man  to  invade 
our  organization.  Their  efforts  are  in- 
sults to  our  ability." 


March 


The  only  famous  thing 

That  ever  happened   in   March 

Was  the   ides 

And  that  was  unlucky. 

0  yes,  there  is  the  lion 

And  the    lamb   that   comes   in 
Or  goes  out,   I   don't  know  which. 
And  the  wind   blows  a   lot, 
And    it    rains   some   too. 

1  hate  that  kind   of  a   month. 

S 


A  Feeble  Chirp  in  De- 
fense of  the  King 
of  Beasts 

T-he  women  of  a  Univerity 
H-ave  often  tried  to  solve 
Evasive  problem.,,  but  we 

Know   that 
I-n   the   long  run 
None  of  them  can 
Grasp  the  significance 

O-f  such  a 

F-ierce  denunciat'on  as  now  lies 

Before  you,  and 

E-specially 

As  woman  was  made  from 

S-everal  bones  of 

This  king,  there 

Should  be  an 

I-ntense   interest  in 
S-howing  the  truth  that 
M-an  is  not 

A-s  much  of  an  animal  as 
N-ature  makes  of  him. 

— A  Man. 

S 


r.iil    the  greatest   strain  of  all 
When   fallier  comes   to  call. 
Is  the  iipi)iiig  and   the  strijipiiii 
l-eggy  iiictnres  olV  my  wall. 


The  Urbana  System 

First    Conslable  near  c;impus — - 
•Did    vei-    lift     that     feller's    num- 


Seciiiiil  <"oiistable — "Xo.  he  was 
loo  gol  deined  fast  fer  me.  Thai 
was  a  perly  perl  lookin"  gal  in 
the  back  seal,  wasn't   it  ? 

First  Constable  ■•She  shiire 
was!" 


Student  —  ( During  a  sprung 
(piiz  I  "()  Lord,  lielj)  nu' — <)  Lord, 
hel]!  me — never  mind  now,  I've 
seen  my  neighbor's  paper." 

S 

In  the  North,  a  whistle  blew; 
From  the  South,  a  gentle  "AIoo!". 
Northward  ambled  gentle  Sue; 
Southward   inilfed   the  "leven-two. 
Draw  we  o'er  the  rest  a  sheet. 
It  was  fated  they  shonhl  uu'et. 
James,  the  water's  at  your  right. 
The  milkman  diiln't  come  tonight 

S 


Absent  minded    Prof.— •'!     won- 
der where  1   put   my  glasses." 
AVife — "I   saw   'em   somewhere." 
A.    .M.    l'.-""l    don't    iloiibt    it. 
Th.it's  where  I  put  them." 

Overheard  by  .Major  -lack  .\llen 
at  the  ball  game:  (»li.  I'anl.  isn't 
our  ])itcher  grand'.'  He  hits  their 
bats  no  matter  where  they  hold 
I  hem. — VtniiJirUli'  \iirs. 
S 


■>- 


Miss  Adelaide  Flapper  says — "I  can 
forgive  a  man  with  a  marcel;  I  can 
remain  outwardly  calm  if  he  insists 
on  holding  my  hand,  but  even  I  can- 
not forgive  him  if  his  vanity  so  over- 
powers him  that  he  wears  a  waxed 
mustache. 


115] 


MBm 


To  His  Heart  a  Key 


By  Alora  Ward 


George  halted  outside  the  dooi-  of  his  real  estate 
office  at  a  quarter  past  six  to  light  his  cigarette  aud 
adjust  his  immaculate  cuffs  before  desceudiug  iuto 
the  street.  Of  course  it  was  late  for  the  downtown 
district,  but  there  were  a  few  worthwhile  people 
one  met  at. this  hour  nevertheless.  As  he  rouudeil 
the  corner  of  tlie  hall  the  swish-swish  of  the  scrub 
brush  met  his  ear  and  he  looked  down  just  in  time 
to  avoid  a  dampening  of  the  dull  glimmer  of  his 
black  calf  skins. 

Hm!  Remarkably  pretty  hair  for  a  scrub  wo- 
man. 

As  she  leaned  back  on  Jici'  lieels  to  apologize, 
his  eyes  were  attracted  by  a  gold  i)in  which  held  her 
calico  dress  together  at  the  neck.  The  shape  recalled 
something  to  him  vaguely — by  the  holy  powers,  it 
was  a  Phi  Bete  key!  That  was  it  aud  he  saw  again 
the  quivering  corpulence  of  old  Die  Browu's  waist- 
coat, down  at  the  University. 

Good  old  Doc!  Lord,  that  was  a  long  time  ago 
— two  years! 

Aiad  then  there  burst  upon  George,  all  at  once 
the  four  Ws  and  the  H.  A  scrub  woman  plus  a 
Phi  Bete  key  would  give — too  nuniy  unknowns  for 
algebra  aud  utterly  too  incompatible  for  common 
sense,  unless — ? 

Hadn't  he  heard  somewhere  of  .aspiring  novel- 
ists who  did  all  sorts  of  things  to  get  stuff'  for  stor- 
ies, and  of  social  .service  workers  who  did  things 
like  this  too?  He'd  bet  anything  this  one  was  one 
or  the  other  and  had  worn  that  pin  unthinkingly. 

Gad !  What  fun  to  cultivate  her  and  not  let  her 
know  he  knew. 

And  so  began  a  friendship  that  puzzled  all 
George's  friends  who  thought  themselves  only  more 
or  less  amused  by  it,  and  delighted  all  the  dwellers 
i)U  Park  Kow,  who  saw  daily  a  nicely  elegant  road- 
ster (George's  father  Jiad  been  in  tlie  liusiness  long 
enough  for  that)  drive  nji  and  stop  in  front  of  the 
Higgin's  flat. 

As  the  weeks  flew  by  (ieorge's  admiration-  for 
Helen  Higgins  reached  the  bounds  of  credulity  and 
spilled  over.  It  was  unbelievable.  Never  once  did 
lie  trip  her  on  anything,  never  once  did  she  give  a 
liint  that  she  was  other  than  what  she  seemed.  Helen 
tliought  as  a  scridi  woman,  acted  the  scrub  woman, 
to  all  purposes  was  a  scrub  woman,  by  lieaven! 

"Helen,"  he  said  one  day,  apropo  of  the  failure 
of  his  very  best  efforts  to  catdi  her  ui),  "You  ought 
to  go  on  the  stage,  you're  a  wonderful  actress!" 

"Honest,  old  boy?"    Siie  had  adopted  tlie  famil- 


iar on  the  api)arent  assumption  that  it  bridged  their 
two  classes.  To  George  it  merely  showed  her  deep 
insight  into  the  class  she  was  studying. 

(By  this  time  he  was  sure  she  was  the  afore- 
mentioned aspiring  novelist.) 

"Where'd  you  get  the  idea,  or  'dyuu  hear  me 
l)Ut  it  all  over  the  old  man  tonight  wJien  he  asked 
wliere  we  was  ste]>piu"?  'Twas  pretty  neat,  don't 
you  think?"  Helen  was  much  pleased  with  the  com- 
pliment, it  was  evident. 

"No  but  really,  girl,  you're  missing  your  call- 
ing if  you  don't.  It  should  lie  lots  more  interesting 
tlian  writing  novels  and  more — er — lucrative!" 

"Writin"  novels ?  Loi'd,  yes,  I'd  think  it  might 
lie.  but  why  drag  that  in?  Honest,  you  do  have  the 
(pieerest  ideas,  sometimes!  Cbme  on,  let's  drive  out 
the  old  state  road  to  that  ducky  inn  again." 

The  ducky  inn  was  more  hilarious  tlian  usual 
that  night  aud  the  loud  boisterousness  aud  coarse 
familiarity  around  her  seemed  to  go  to  Helen's  head 
like  real  champagne.  When  they  at  last  started 
honunvard,  George's  hopes  were  high.  She  was  in 
a  talkative  mood  and  inclined  toward  being  matern- 
ally tender  to  him — two  feminine  signs  that  confi- 
dence were  in  the  air. 

It  might  be  added  that  George  had  long  since 
given  ui>  the  idea  of  concealing  the  fact  that  he  was 
in  on  her  secret.  The  game  was  now  to  get  Helen 
to  admit  tliat  there  was  a  secret. 

And  so  he  decided  that  the  time  was  ripe  for 
his  coup  d'etat.  It  was  to  be  complete,  annihilating 
all  the  subterfuges,  between  them.  He'd  really 
grown  (piite  fond  of  her.  Wliat  a  joy,  too,  to  liear 
her  at  last  s])eak  good  English.  Aud  his  friends 
with  their  damned  .superiority, — what  fun  it  was 
going  to  be! 

His  voice  ahuost  trembled  as  he  began  speak- 
ing,— funny  how  nervous  he  was!  They  were  in 
front  of  the  tenement  now  and  his  arm  iiad  been 
around  her  for  the  last  two  nules  or  so. 

"Helen,  why  did  don't  you  wear  any  Phi  Bete 
key  these  days?  You  had  it  on  the  first  time  I  ever 
.saw  you,  don't  you  remember — dear?"  The  last 
word  was  purely  experimental,  or  else  it  was  to  be 
the  clinch  of  his  coup  d'etat. 

She  stirred.  Helen  had  evidently  been  taking 
a  rather  thorough  doze  enroute. 

"My  what?"  yawning  broadly.   "<)li.  I  know  now, 
that's  what  slie  called  it,  too.    Funny  name   for  a 
(Continued   on   page   twenty-seven) 


flfil 


HREN 


Lord  Chesterton  to  His  God-Son 

A  Letter  Found  Among  Some  Old  Papers  Owned  by  D.  Hill 


My  Dear  Little  Boy: 

The  means  of  pleasing  vary  accord- 
ing to  time,  place,  and  the  ladies;  but 
in  the  university  community  in  which 
you  find  yourself,  you  will  discover 
will  infallibly  please  to  a  certain  de- 
that  the  trite  rule  "hand  'em  a  line", 
gree.  Constantly  strive  to  resemble 
your  fraternity  brothers  in  versatility 
of  attentions  and  ease,  both  in  dress 
and  manner.  Never  be  individual:  try 
to  think  as  little  as  possible  for  your- 
self. The  young  man  of  today  must 
appear  to  be  as  much  like  his  fellows 
as  possible  or  he  is  ridiculous,  \\nien- 
ever  you  present  yourself,  or  are  pre- 
sented for  the  first  time  in  mixed 
company,  study  to  make  the  first  im- 
pressions you  give  of  yourself  as  ad- 
vantageous as  possible.  Appear,  there- 
fore, to  be  more  stupid  than  you  are. 


<$> 


Even  that  silly  article  of  dress  is 
no  trifle  upon  these  occasions.  Always 
be  the  first  in  fashion  and  the  last 
out  of  it.  In  the  matter  of  cravats  and 
waistcoats,  remember  to  be  conspicu- 
ous. Wear  as  fine  clothes  as  those  of 
your  rank  commonly  do,  and  when  you 
are  dressed  once  a  day,  seem  to  know 
that  you  have  clothes  on;  forget  that 
they  are  perhaps  not  paid  for.  Upon 
the  occasion  of  my  last  visit  to  the 
university,  I  beheld  a  young  man  in 
the  English  library  in  that  beautiful 
building  known  as  Lincoln  Hall.  This 
young  man  was  well  worth  observa- 
tion. Like  so  many  young  men  of  to- 
day, he  was  notably  short  and  thin  in 
the  chest.  His  spectacles  rode  well  up- 
on his  nose.  His  tweed  suit,  had,  I 
fear,  not  visited  the  pressing  shop  for 
many  weeks.  His  cravat,  of  some  pe- 
culiar knitted  material  unknown  in  my 
day,  rested  upon  the  bosom  of  a  strip- 
sliirl  of  noticeable  color.  A  young  man. 


without  knowledge  of  fashion,  is  wise 
in  imitating  such  details.  The  gentle- 
man's waistcoat  was  of  checkered  ma- 
terial in  a  vivid  green,  and  was  amiab- 
ly at  war  with  his  shirt,  an  admirable 
feature.  His  hair  had  been  but  re- 
cently curled  and  was  smartly  parted 
in  the  middle,  tliereby  making  his 
disli-shaped  face  appear  more  round 
and  e.x-pressionless.  A  Fop  values  him- 
self upon  his  dress,  and  a  man  of  sense 
will  not  neglect  it,  in  his  youth,  at 
least. 


<«> 


Remember,  in  company,  every  wo- 
man is  every  man's  inferior,  and  must 
be  addressed  without  respect,  nay,  with 
fiattery.  You  need  not  fear  making  it 
(00  trong.  Such  flattery  is  not  mean 
on  your  part,  for  it  can  never  give 
Ihem  a  greater  opinion  of  their  beauty 
or  their  sense  than  they  had  before. 
It  is  well  to  flatter  them  upon  their 
make-up,  though  they  do  it  ever  so 
ill.  Women  abhor  courtesy,  therefore, 
refrain  from  every  show  of  it.  If  you 
jre  returning  homeward  from  an  even- 
ing affair,  notably  those  of  a  literary 
nature,  never  offer  your  protection. 
The  ladies  always  hear  wedding  bells 
whenever  a  man  pays  them  this  atten- 
tion. Young  men  are  (thank  God), 
rapidly  forgetting  such  matters.  The 
later  the  hour  the  less  need  of  escort- 
ing the  lady  the  several  blocks  to  her 
home.  (This  is  of  particular  import- 
ance if  you  are  desirous  of  gaining  the 
seclu.sion  of  your  chamber  n.  order  to 
have  a  quiet  smoke  before  retiring.^ 
Let  it  be  a  rule  with  you  never  to 
ask  the  lady's  permission  to  smoke; 
she  does  not  expect  such  attention 
from  a  modern  young  man.  Women 
have  come  to  expect  a  faculty  member 
to  remove  "his  head  covering  upon 
meeting  them,  but  they  will  feel  em- 
barrassed if  you  imitate  your  elders. 
Remember  that  the  attention  of  rising 
if  a  lady  enters  the  room,  or  of  offer- 
ing an  elderly  woman  your  seat  on  the 
street  car,  is  unseemly  and  presump- 
tions in  one  of  your  youth.  Further- 
more, remember  to  be  tardy.  Women 
and  instructors  expect  this  quality  in 
undergraduates,  never  disappoint 
them.  Have  always,  as  much  as  possi- 
ble, that  air  of  knowing  everything, 
which   never   fails   to   make   favorable 


impressions,  provided   it  l)e  accompan- 
ied  l)y  a  bored  smile  or  a  pert  smirk. 

<s> 

Above  all,  never  take  the  affairs  of 
the  heart  seriously.  In  this  respect 
a  young  man  is  wise  in  using  the  but- 
terfly as  a  model.  Vou  will  observe. 
Dear  Godson,  that  love  is  simply  a 
flitting  from  one  female  rose  to  an- 
other. Never  place  your  confidence  in 
any  one  young  lady.  Gather  your  kiss- 
es while  and  where  you  may.  Think 
not  too  highly  of  your  word.  Remem- 
ber it  is  an  art  to  tell  a  good  lie.  But 
recently  I  found  an  interesting  piece 
of  verse  that  I  trust  you  will  honor 
by  framing.  One  of  those  highly  or- 
nate gilt  frames  would  be  fitting. 
Wherever  you  place  it,  remember  to 
hang  this  little  gem  in  a  conspicuous 
position,  preferably  over  your  room- 
mate's bureau.  Trusting  you  will 
profit  by  the  high  seriousness  of  the 
composition,  I  tender  this  charming 
ditty; 

Wlien  a  fraternity  man  is  jilted 
And  finds  too  late  that  women  betray. 
When  his  fair  love  she's  wilted 
What  art  can  chase  his  gloom  away? 

The  onl.v  art  his  sorrow  to  cover, 
To  hide  his  shame  from  every  brother, 
To  heal  the  heart  of  a   fond  lover. 
Is  to  go  and  marry  another. 

<s> 

To  Master  Stanhope,  at  the  univer- 
sity boarding  school  at  L'rbana,  by  Il- 
linois. 

<$> 

P.  S.  .To  make  you  what  amends  I 
can  for  this  tiresome  lecture,  I  am 
sending  you  a  small  case,  which  is 
sufficient  to  give  a  nice  little  party  to 
your  brethren. 

Bath,  Mar.  in,  1795. 


fl7| 


SIREN 


The  Beggar's  Opera 

Clever  people  are  always  interest- 
ing —  whether  they  be  dukes  or  hon- 
est peasanf;  or  queens  or  beggars.  I 
am  inclined  to  believe,  after  hearing 
The  Beggar's  Opera  down  at  Cham- 
paign's theatre  beautiful,  that  of  all 
clever  people  the  last  named  are  the 
most  interesting. 

For  beggars,  mind  you,  back  in  the 
days  of  good  king  George  I,  had  to  be 
clever  in  order  to  retain  physical  sym- 
metry. The  hangman  in  those  days 
was  mighty  skillful  with  his  cleaver 
and  they  tell  me  he  was  paid  by  the 
"head." 

The  beggars  in  the  Opera  were  as 
scurvy,  bloody  a  bunch  of  knaves  and 
wenches,  to  use  their  own  terms,  as 
ever  plotted  a  holdup  or  a  murder. 
But  withal  they  were  clever. 

"Wat  wife  ever  lived  happy  'oo 
didn't  'ave  the  Joy  of  widowhood  to 
look  forward  to;  Polly,  my  child,  ye'r 
actin'  as  if  ye  had  no  more  sense 
than  a  juke's  laidy;  what's  a  'usband 
for  if  ye  aint  goin'  to  kill  'im  so's  y 
kin  get  'is  money.  "  What  could  be 
more  logical,  more  natural  than  such 
advice  from  a  fond  mother? 

And  then  there  was  the  tavern. 
Jack  Falstaff  and  his  companions 
never  presented  us  with  a  more  clever 
scene.  How  they  enjoyed  their  songs 
and  jokes  and  their  mugs  of  ale!  The 
laughter  flew  as  more  than  one  beg- 
gar wiped  away  clinging  drops  of  ale 
with  the  curls  of  his  wig.  I  never 
knew,  until  I  saw  the  play,  that  there 
was  a  practical  value  to  those  wigs 
they  wore  in  the  by-gone  days. 

I  liked  Captain  MacHeath  especial- 
ly well,  for  that  worthy  rogue  could 
get  out  of  more  difficulties  of  the  heart 
than  the  average  youth  of  today  can 
get  into,  even  In  a  co-educational  in- 
stitution. And  I  also  learned  that  a 
woman  would  believe,  even  200  year,; 
ago  just  as  she  does  today,  anything 
she  wanted  to  believe,  even  though 
the  most  cheerful  liar  in  all  England 
told  it  to  her.  The  captain  faced  death 
and  risked  it  just  so  cheerfully  for 
the  sake  of  a  woman's  smile  that  it 
was  no  wonder  they  all  loved  him. 

Those  who  say  that  the  Beggar's 
Opera  was  dull  should  contrast  it  with 


any  of  the  musical  shows  of  today  or 
with  the  bedroom  farces  we  flock  to 
witness.  They  have  nothing  in  their 
lines  but  what  is  placed  there  for  the 
sole  purpose  of  being  suggestive. 
There  was  philosophy  displayed  in 
that  group  of  beggars.  They  knew 
their  fellow  humans. 

— B.  A.  J. 

Chimney  smoke 

Occasionally  we  read  and  enjoy  so 
thoroughly  that  all  our  war'ly  cares 
sublimate  and  we  emerge  from  the 
book  covers  feeling  a  new  benevolence 
toward  our  fellow  humans.  A  little 
book  of  poetry  that  just  answers  this 
formula  is  "Chimneysmoke,"  by  Chris- 
topher Morley.  the  genial  whimsical, 
entertaining  column  conducter  of  the 
New   York   Evening  Post. 

"Chimneysmoke,"  in  contrast  to  the 
wierd,  anarchistic  free  verse  that  over- 
loads our  magazines  nowadays,  is 
simple  and  unaffected,  revealing  an  ap- 
preciation of  every-day  life  that  is  sel- 
dom expressed  by  poets  of  this  rest- 
less era.  Over  the  commonplace 
events  of  a  common  life  Christopher 
Morley  casts  a  delicate  imagination 
and  turns  his  musings  into  the  most 
delightful  verse.  To  this  poet  life  is 
anything  but  monotonous,  even  if  it  is 
made  up  of  commuting  back  and  forth 
on  the  5:42,  of  washing  dishes,  of 
furnace  firing,  and  of  administering  a 
modest  household.  He  sings  charming- 
ly, dedicating  a  new  fireplace,  or  mus- 
ing over  the  names  in  a  telephone 
directory,  or  apostrophizing  his  ink- 
stand. He  puts  home  and  the  hearth- 
fire  into  rhyme  and  rhythm,  and  we 
wonder  that  we  never  before  saw  the 
romance  and  the  color  in  the  things 
that  are  so  constantly  about  us. 
"Chimneysmoke"  is  a  delightful  even- 
ing's  entertainment. 

Tea  Time  in  Tibet 

(What  we  think  it  will  probably  be 
— of  course  it  won't.  .  .  .  ) 

Never  in  the  history  of  Illinois  op- 
era has  there  been  such  a  hilarious 
success  as  was  "Tea-Time  in  Tibet". 
At  one  minute  the  audience  felt  its 
heart-strings    being    plucked    by    the 


pathos  and  tragedy  of  the  production 
and  at  the  next  was  sent  off  into  peals 
of  Bachannalian  laughter. 

The  story  is  that  of  the  romance  of 
a  Tibetian  Lama  and  Goldie  Croesus, 
the  daughter  of  the  American  Alarm 
Clock  King.  Goldie,  who  has  become 
acquainted  with  the  Lama  through  a 
matrimonial  agency,  is  coming  to  look 
him  over  when  she  is  captured  by  a 
new  religious  order,  called  the  Mag- 
wallas,  composed  of  wicked,  fat  Chin- 
amen of  the  under-world,  who  wish  to 
make  her  their  priestess.  She  assassin- 
ates three  of  them,  disguises  herself 
as  a  college  freshman,  and  flees  to  Ti- 
bet where  she  takes  refuge  in  the 
tombs  of  the  ancient  Lamas.  Here  she 
is  discovered  by  Shimshin,  the  present 
Lama,  who  places  her  in  his  harem. 
He  wishes  to  sacrifice  her  to  Zither, 
his  god,  and  they  play  a  game  of  po- 
ker to  decide  whether  or  not  Goldie 
shall  be  killed.  She  loses,  but  just  as 
Shimshin  is  about  to  offer  her  up,  a 
troop  of  American  cavalry  looms  into 
sight  over  the  plateau  and  saves  her 
life.  Of  course  Shimshin  turns  out  to 
be  the  son  of  an  American  millionaire 
and  Goldie  decides  to  marry  him  any- 
way. 

This  is  just  the  sort  of  entertain- 
ment that  the  Tired  College  Student 
needs.  It  is  full  of  brilliant  costum- 
ng  and  displays  of  creamy  white  arms 
and  shoulders,  melodious  music  and 
clever  lines.  Miles  Heberer  does  a  pas- 
sionate rendition  of  Shimshin,  and 
sings  "You  Have  Flapped  My  Heart 
Away"  in  tones  to  make  one's  blood 
stand  on  end.  His  lovely  soprano 
voice  reminds  on  of  water  rushing 
down  the  rain-spout  on  its  way  to  the 
sea. 

Goldie  is  a  captivating  heroine,  and 
one  cannnot  blame  Shimshin  for  fall- 
ing in  love  with  her  when  one  sees 
what  he  was  used  to  in  his  own  harem. 
Her  voice  was  especially  pleasing 
when  she  sang,  "Homme,  Sweet 
Homme."  The  flat-footed  priestesses 
)f  the  Temple  of  Tibet  danced  as  Marie 
Helen  McLane  drilled  them  to,  poor 
souls,  but  their  costumes  helped  some. 
The  final  cabaret  scene  in  which  they 
appeared  was  full  of  color,  due  to  the 

(  Continued  on  page  twenty) 


[18] 


SIREN 


piilllllMinJlili""Nifi'IMIiniM|iii/llhinwilMIIMM|l|BIIIIIMmHrrriM'nMM  ii/iMiiriui|iMlliMIIIMII»M|MM|iiunTMTi.rii^iniTTiiiiiiiniiiiiniMMiMiMMiinMi)|iiiin|iiii/w»|M|ll|^ 


Not  So  Catching 

•■I  lif:u-  yi)m-  fatlier  is  ill". 
"Ves.  iiuite  ill". 
•■Contagious  disease?" 
"I  hope  not ;  the  doctor  says  it's 
ovi'i-work". — Carncfjir  Puppet. 
8 


Comes  Natural 

"I  woiider  why  so  many  of  the 
osteopathic  doctors  are  women?" 
"Because   women   have   a   fond- 
ness for  •rubliing  it  in'." 

— Portland  a.I/c.q  Express. 
S 

The  Double  O 

"Whafs    the    score,    -lim?"    she 
asked,  arriving  late  at  the  game. 
'•Nothing  to  nothing". 
••Oh,     goody  I"     she     exclaimed. 
"We  haven't  missed  a  thing'." 
— HoiioIiiIk    Stur-Bullrtiii. 
S 

On  Second  Thought 

Patient :  '•Doctor.  I've  known 
y(m  so  long  now  that  it  woulil  he 
an  insult  for  me  to  pay  your  hill, 
so  I've  arranged  a  handsome  leg- 
acy for  you  in  my  will." 

Doctor:    '•Y(ni  don't  mean  it — 
I   am   overwhelmed — liy   the  way, 
just  let  me  take  a  look  at  that  pre- 
scription  again." — Banter. 
S 

Richleigh  (to  caterer):  "Have 
you  smoked  herring  tonight?" 

Caterer:  "No,  thus  far,  only 
Camels." — Pelican. 

S 

Lady,  on  street-car:  "Do  yon 
stop  at  the  Biltnioi-e,  conductor?" 

<'ouductor:  "No  ma'am,  1  was 
in  the  army,  not  in  a  munition 
factory." — Lampoon. 


Wild  West  Etiquette 

ICxcited  Tenderfoot:  "Did  you 
.see  that?" 

Alkali   Ike:    "See  what?" 

Tenderfoot:  "That  swiudhr 
dealt  himself  four  aces  I" 

Ike:  "Waal,  wasn't  it  his  deal?" 
— FlainuKjo. 
S 

He:  ■•Here  we  are  with  a  ]iuric- 
ture,  and  no  .jack." 

She:  "Haven't  you  got  your 
check  book?" — Octopus. 

S 

How  doth  the  gentle  laundress 
Search  out  the  weakest  joints 
And  always  tear  the  buttons  olf 
At  nmst  strategic  points? — Gohlin 
S 

She:  "We  really  ought  to  have 
a  chaperoue,"  as  they  went  into 
the  garden. 

He:  "Oh,  we  won't  need  one  I 
assure  you." 

S 

•limmie:  "What  did  she  say 
when  you  kissed  her  last  night?" 

His  Friend:   "She  said  I  shoidd 
come  on  Friday  hereafter,  as  ijiat 
is  amateur's   nigiit". — Medleij. 
S 


Right  Is  Right 

••|to  you  lielieve  doctors  have  a 
right  lo  kill  where  they  can't 
cure?" 

"Haven't  they  always  been  do- 
ing it?" 

— Baltimore  Amerietin. 
S 


A  Regular  Cut-Up 

"Doctca-,  I've  just  received  your 
bill.  Could  you  cut  .inything  off 
for  cash  ?" 

"Yes,  my  dear  sir,  anything — an 
arm  or  a  leg,  or  anytliing  else  yon 
may  wish  removed". 

— -Topics  of  till    Daif  Films. 

S 

.hdinuy — ilotbcr.  do  I  have  to 
wash  my  face? 

Mother — Certainly,  dear, 
.lohnny — Aw,   why  can't   I   just 
])owder  it,  like  yon  do  yours? 
S 


This  Is  a  Two  Dollar  One 

He:  •'I'assed  by  your  house  last 
night". 

She  (bored  I:    Thanks". — Jester 
S 

Soph:  "Do  you  still  go  to  sec 
that  little  bruitette  you  went  with 
last  winter?" 

Soph  -    "She's  married   now." 

Sojib  1  :    •'Answer  me!" 

— I'lnieh   lioirl. 


Must  Be  Dr.  Cupid 

"I  don't  like  your  heart  action", 
said  the  doctor  ajiplying  his  steth- 
osc()])e. 

"Yoti've  had  some  trouble  with 
nugina    ]iectoris.   haven't   you?" 

••You're   partly   right,  doc",  an- 
swered the  young  man  sliee]iishly. 
••Oidy  that  ain't   her  name". 
—I'atli  finder   (Wash.   D.C. ) 
S— 

'Ward  Pass,  Too 

Slie:  What's  the  team  le.iviug 
tlu'  liehl  for? 

It  :     It's  the  end  of  tlic  half. 

Slie:  Vi't-U.  I'm  not  surpri.seil. 
It's  a  wouilcr  they  haxcn't  killed 
someone  bef(.)re  this. 

— I'nrple    Parrot. 


[191 


HREN 


(Contiimed  from  page  eighteen) 
fact    that    they    wore    the    best    party 
frocks  of  some  of   our  cutest   campus 
co-eds.   Most  of  their  voices  were  base. 

The  song-hits  of  the  evening,  beside 
those  already  mentioned,  left  bruises 
which  only  time  will  heal.  Before  the 
audience  had  a  chance  to  escape,  ush- 
ers poured  through  it  selling  copies  of 
them.  We  all  went  home,  tired,  but 
happy. 

Special  mention  is  due  the.  Marin- 
ello  Shop  for  the  marcelle  waves  used 
in  the  ship-wreck  scene,  to  The  Siren 
for  the  use  of  Ted  Bourland  as  the 
lieathen  god,  and  to  the  Chinese  Stu- 
dents Club  for  their  efficient  acting  as 
the  villains  of  the  under-world  in  the 
Magwalla  scene. 

The  Queen  of  Sheba 

"Standing  room  only" — pretty  wo- 
men in  thi-?  picture — Betty  Blythe 
sleeping  on  wave  washed  rocks — I'll 
bet  the  stones  hurt  her  bare  feet  — 
Betty  Blythe  in  queenly  robes — beads 
— more  beads — royal  chariot  races  to 
the  tune  of  jazz  music — Sheba  is  los- 
ing her  robe — ah!  we  knew  the  queen 
would  win. 

I'd  be  wary  of  that  jealous  a  woman 
if   I   were    the    queen — King    Solomon 


without  a  beard — King  Solomon  talk- 
ing English — King  Solomon  looks  like 
a  Shakespearean  actor — It's  Fritz  Lie- 
ber — King  Solomon  wears  many  robes 
— "consider  the  lilies" — crowds  gather 
more  quickly  around  the  ancient  pal- 
ace when  the  king  yawns  than  on 
Michigan  avenue  when  a  truck 
smashes  a  flivver — the  thousand  wives 
are  convenient  for  those  crowds  — 
Solomon  would  have  pity  on  the 
natives,  they'll  get  too  thin  doing 
those  worshipful  calisthenics  —  Sol- 
omon's brother  is  going  to  start 
trouble  pretty  soon — the  battle  be- 
gins —  wish  those  boys  down  on  the 
front  row  would  keep  still,  they  waked 
up-  the  little  prince  —  it's  awfully 
stuffy  in  this  theatre  .... 

Sheba's  troops  marching  across  the 
desert  —  from  Egypt  to  Israel  In  15 
minutes! — and  they  crossed  the  same 
sand  dune  five  times — 1  counted  them 
—  this  mu"t  be  the  scene  in  which 
Betty  got  sunburned  —  many  bloody 
battles  —  wish  they'd  hurry  up  and 
come  to  the  happy  ending  —  that  lit- 
tle boy  is  the  best  actor  in  this  pic- 
ture— he's  handsome,  too — the  lovers 
meet  once  more — Pshaw!  Sheba  is  go- 
ing back  to  Egypt  —  Solomon  is  too 
wise   to  be  happy  —  fade-out. 

— T.  S. 


I'll  Say  He  Did 

"Did  the  doctor  know  what  you 
had'?' 

"He  seemed  to  have  a  pretty 
accurate  idea..  He  asked  for  .flO 
and  I  had  |11 

— Boston  Trdiixi-rijit. 

S 

He — "Would  you  care  t(t  dance 
this  dance?" 

She — "Yes,  would  you  mind  ask- 
ing someone  for  me?" 

S 

Lady  (to  guide  in  Yellowstone 
Park) — Do  these  hot  springs  ever 
freeze  over? 

Guide — Oh,     yes!      Once     last 
winter  a  lady  stepped  through  tiie 
ice  here  and  burned  her  foot. 
S— — 

Fair  Customer  (to  salesman  dis- 
playing modern  bathing  suit)  — 
And  you're  sure  this  bathing  suit 
won't  shrink? 

Salesman — No,  miss;  it  lias 
nowhere  to  shrink  to. — Life. 


* 

1 
I 


Good  things 
from  9  climes 
poured  into  a 
single  glass* 

Delicious  and 
Refreshing 


The  Coca-Cola  Company 
atlanta.  ga. 


[201 


SIREN 


What  College  Does  for  the 
American  Man 

l-"c)iir  years  of  collctjc  I'lhu-at ion  fiivc 
I  lie  Aiiicricaii  mail  a  lirsl  mort.>;a<:('  on 
a  ili|>l()iiia,  s  I' V  (' 11  serious  all'aires 
(raiiioiir.  four  assoiied  vest  iiisters. 
iiieiiiories  of  fifteen  "Ixtsom  friends", 
two  Imndi-ed  eij^Iifeeii  lifeloii}; enemies, 
twelve  iiu-lies  of  pnlilieity  (ineliidin^ 
("aiiipn.s  Scout),  one  live-ineli  cigarette 
lioldcr,  llil-ee  dozen  jiairs  striped  socks, 
oiie-liiiiidred  seventy  pounds  of  di-i\vel 
in  volume  sand  notes,  de  luxe  editions 
of  Scliopeuhaucr,  Omar,  and  Sane  Sex 
l,i\iiij;.  one  nail-tile,  one  cataloj;iie< 
stock  of  extra-curriculum  ''stories", 
ami  one  jiart  in  the  middle. 

I'our  vears  of  collejje  life  teach  the 
American  man  to  lie  blase,  c.vniial, 
skeptical,  supercilious,  atheistic,  ami 
don't-give-a-damning;  lo  eat  shrim|i 
salad  and  4:30  steaks;  to  drink  what  is 
set  liefore  him;  to  sleep  at  will;  to  lial 
a  nee  a  deficit  of  137.52;  to  evince  pro- 
fouml  knowledge  on  any  subject;  to 
keep  four  ladies'  vanity  boxes  and 
guessing;  to  write  love  lettei's  within 
the  law;  to  kiss  or  leave  her  alone;  and 
to  work  for  what  thi're  is  in  it. 
■ — S 


1      I 


That  I'ired  Feeling 

Kide  and  the  girls  ride  with  you  ; 

Walk,  and  you  walk  alone; 

I'or  the  flappers  these  days  are  set  in 

their  ways — 
TIh'v  like  a  guy  with  a  car  of  his  own. 

— Panther. 

S 

Algernon  (city  cousinl  :  What  has 
that  cow  got  the  bell  strapped  •round 
her  neck  for? 

IJobby:  That's  to  call  the  calf  when 
(limicr's  ready. 

— 77k    lite:   Sinr. 

■ S 


"Thafs  the  guy  Tin  laying  for"',  .said 
IJie  hen  as  liie  farmer  crossed  the  vard. 


Columbus    was  glad  to  see 
the  U.  S.  A.  after  his  long  trip. 

And  when  he  could  throw  a 
rope !    A  lucky  strike  for  him. 


/ 


LUCKY  STRIKEJ 

i 

I  When  we  discovered  the  toasting 

I  process  six  years  ago,  it  was  a  Lucky 

I  Strike  for  us. 

J  "Why  ?     Because  now  millions  of 

I  smokers  prefer  the  special  flavor  of 

I  the  Lucky  Strike  Cigarette — because 

It's  Toasted* 

i  "k — which  seals  in  the  delicious  Burley  flavor 

I  And  also  because  it's 


[21] 


miEN 


+ — ™ 


Your  Account 

Will  Be  Welcome 

At  This  Bank 


No  red  tape  and  no  charges 

for  opening  an  account 

with  us 


First  State  Bank 

URBANA 

4. . 4. 


"'"+     "If  all  tlic  woi-ld  were  mine  to 
give—" 
How  ol'teii  lias  that  yai-ii 
]!een   told   hy   <;ents  so  iiidigeilt 
Tiiey  couldn't  give  a  darn? 
S 

Blase  college  student — "Society 
is  so  shallow,  Claiidiiie." 

Coed — "It  is  a  good  thing  it  is, 
or   half  the  people  who  are  wad- 
ing in  it  would  be  drowned." 
S 

Freshman — "Say.  -lini.  what 
are  cosmetics?" 

AVise  Senior  —  "Cosmetics  ai'e 
]>ea(h  iiresei-ves." 

S 

Heard  the  week  of  the  Junior 
prom :  Sorority  ]iledge  entering 
hreathles.sly  to  announce  trans- 
]>orts  that  arrived  on  the  noon 
train. 

S 

Frosh  at  football  game,  as 
crowd  yells  "Stick"  —  "(Josh, 
which  one  is  he?  He's  real  popu- 
lar, isn't  he'?" 


Just  Recieved 

A  Shipment 

of 

Crane's 
Kara 
Linen 

At  YOUR  Store 
<s> 

Engineers'  Co-op 
Society 

J.  R.   Lindley,   Manager 
Boneyard  and  Mathews 

URBANA.   ILL. 


<.., — 


One  of  the 

Beauty  Spots  at  Illinois 


^y^^  take  great  pride  in 
the  beauty  of  our  confec- 
tionery. 11  just  suits  those 
who  desire  i)leasant  s)ir- 
ronnilings  when  they  eat 
or  drink. 


l?i-eakfasfs 

riate  Lunches 

Sandwiches 

Salads 

lloniemade  I'ie 

Cake 

Fancy  Drinks 


Prehn  &  Henningsen 

Green  at  Sixth 
We  Cater  to  Parties 


+ — , 

! 
I 
I 
1 
I 
I 
I 
I 


It  Costs  No  More  to  Buy  a  Kelly 


1     I 
I    1 


1    I 
!     I 

!     I 


'"'      '      ""      ""      '"■      ' ii-^'i»j* 


I 


More  resilient  and  more  nearly  skid- 
proof  than  any  other  tire  ever  made  and 
giving  amazing  mileage  yet  costing  no  more 
than  other  standard  cord  tires  —  no  wonder 
the  new  Kelly  Kant  Slip  cord  has  leaped 
into  immediate  popularity. 

CHURCHILL,  BENGSTON  &  MILLER 

URBANA.   ILL. 


[22J 


JIREN 


! 

! 

1 

I 

I 
+- 


When  you  open  up  your  wai'drobe  for 
your  Spring  cleaning  and  pressing — 


Send  it  to  Gordon's 


511  South  Goodwin 


Main   423:!   or   3461 


Ne  Plus  Ultra 

I  c:iii  look  .11   pictures  coniif. 
Hark  to  funny  sonjjs  liariuouic. 
•lust  to  get  an  inspiration  I'm-  a  pocui : 
I'll  appreciate  their  Ininior. 
liul  a  storv.  jest,  or  rumor 
A\"ill  fail  to  wake  a  tIioui;lit  williiii   uiy  donu'. 
I  can  sit  for  many  Lours 
Till  my  disposition  sours 
Chewing  on  a  pipe  or  smoking  up  a  stogie: 
j3ut  the  witty  touch  I  hoi)e  for 
i  need  no  longer  grope  for. 
fVheu  I  hear  an  Indoor  golfer  talking  IJogie. 


-S- 


1  love  Clarice,  and  she  loves  Dan. 

And  Dan  loves  sweet  Marie. 

-Marie  loves   Fi-ank.  and  Frank   loves  Aww 

And  Ann's  in  love  with  nie. 


From  a  Nature  Faker's  Note  Book 

Little  Willie,  having  fun.  shoxcd   the  lamrod  down 
the  gun. 

-Now.  the  tiling  that    I   can't   liguer.  is  why   the  hear 
don't  pull   the  triggiM-. 

S 


Lament 

1   wrote  an  ode  on  ancient  things, 
.V  pair  of  brognes  all  broken  out, 
A  sabre  old.  some  tarnished  riny;s. 
1  knew  I'd  sell  beyond  a  doubt. 

I  wrote  it  well  and  called   it.  "Dust," 
But  editors  my  ho])es  demolish. 
Tliey  would  not  take  my  verse  on  rust  : 
I'or  they  all  swore  it   had  no  polish. 


A  'li.-i. 


-+     +■• 


I 


Drop  in 

Between  Classes 

or  at  Noon 


Our  drinks  are 
the  best  in  town 
and  we  serve 
special  noon 
lunches  for  stu- 
dents from  11:- 
30  to  1:30. 


IS0S0 


NOURISHING,   STRENGTHENING 

DURING  ACTIVE  SCHOOL 

MONTHS 


The  Original 

Relieves  the  fatigue  of  study  and  exercise. 
Delicious,  concentrated  n  u  t  r  i  t  i  o  n  that 
strengthens,  refreshes  and  invigorates. 
Satisfjing  and  economical  as  a  daily 
luncheon.  Keep  a  jar  in  powder  or  lunch 
tablet  form  in  your  room. 

AVOID  IMITATIONS 

Write  for  sample  and  lor  booklet  on 
its  many  advantage.s  for  tlie  student 
and  athlete. 

HORLICK'S,  Racine,  Wis. 


•+    +-— - 

[231 


JElEll 


Before  the  Dance 
YOU  NEED  TOILET  ARTICLES 


— From- 


The  Green  St.  Pharmacy 


"Berf    SPAULDING,    Prop. 


Strauch's 

for 


STATIONERY 
ForXTAIN  PENS 
ELECTRIC  LAMPS 
riRlvERS.  ETC. 
COLLIOdE  JEWELRY 
MEMORY  BOOKS 
KODAKS 

(JREETING  CARDS 
I'ICTURES 
GIFTS 

The  Home    Of  Good  KoiUik  Fiiii.sliiinj 

STRAUCH  PHOTO-CRAFT  HOUSE 


+ — 


I 

I 


Are  You  Particular 
about  Food  Qualities? 

The  more  you  are 
the  better  you'll  like 

OSTRAND'S 

606  S.  Third 
G.  A.  OSTRAND  PAUL  GRADY  '22 


I 


.,.4. 


Symphony  of  Spring 

1    sit   on  the  slinrcs  of  tlic  swii'liiij;  silvcvv  si  ream, 
AVliicli  sings  swoct  soiifis  of  siiiiiiy  spaces, 
Seekiiij;  fioiii  llie  s|niiiie  of  tlie  spray, 
Sijjiis  of  spiiiig. 
1   see  some. 

Tlie  Ijiil^bliiiy  brook  liieaks  boldly  beyond. 

Against  the  base  of  bii-elies. 

Rent  on  bearing  before,  bottles,  bricks,  bones, 

A\'liicli  border  its  banks; 

Becanse  black  blasts  of  blizzards 

Have  borne  them  within  ils  bonndaries. 

Beware,  I  bear  on. 

Why  wait  witii  weejiing  willow, 

A\'ondering  where  the  water  wends  its  way 

It  were  worse  than  wearing  whites, 

And  wishing  winter's  waning. 

Why  not  waken  to  wiles  of  woman, 

^^'andering  not  weary  over  ways 

^^'orn  by  wet  wheels  as  wanton  winter  wastes? 

1  wonder  why. 

The  lilting  langhter  of  lasses. 

Livens  the  laymans  legacy  on  life. 

As  Luna's  luster  lights  the  length  of  lo\e  and   life; 

1   Some  of  the 

j         Most  Popular  Courses 

1   at  Illinois 


Are  those  olfered  by  the  Twin  City 
Cafe. 

They  are  electives,  to  be  sure,  bnt 
you  have  a  large  variety  to  select  from. 

A  pioperly-balan:-ed  curriculum  is 
not  complete  withont  some  of  these 
food  courses. 


TWIN  CITY  CAFE 

Number  2—621  E.  Green 
Numlier  1—309  N.  Neil 


.,,+      4... 
[24] 


SIREN 


Si)  lifts  lasses  the  labors  of  living 
With  lissdiuc  little  lies 
( »f  liiicafjc  loiig-ayo. 
I'll  as  lirf  liiifici-  loiijicr. 

I''(ir  wlicii   flowers   riiillei-   I'oi'lh    lo   fare  willi    the 

flamingo, 
III  llie  fllil  of  followiliii  (lie  flii;lil   of  free/.iiii;  frosts: 
I'laiiiint;    feniiiiiiie    fealliers    flicker. 
As  the  foliage  of  the  forest    flillers   lo  and   fro-; 
And  floweis,  and  flocks,  and  faith,  and  fruits. 
And    flidfs,   and    fiirlielows,  and    frills   fete   nie. 
■'Pis  fate  that    fortune  oilers  not   a   feiiiiiiine  flown. 
When  followini;  sprinii  flies  forth, 

I   sit   on   the  short    of  the  swirling,   swishini;   sire.'iiii 

Seekiiii;  from  the  spniiie  of  the  s|iray, 

Siyns  <»f  spring, 

I  see  some. — Misof/i/nisl. 


■ 


-+ 

i 


♦Apologies   to    Call   Haudljurg. 

Editor's  note — Tliis  poem  has  been  written  to  be  read 
alter  the  manner  of  Vachel  Lindsey,  to  the  accompaniment 
of  Ptnbenstein's  "Melody  in  F". 

■ s 


That  Dressed  Up 
Feeling 

You  all  enjoy  the  thrill  of 
correct  attire.  It  can  on- 
ly be  experienced  by  the 
proper  selection  of  your 
clothes. 


Mail  is  a  scholar,  ea^cr  indeed  to  learn. 
But  most  forgetful  haviuj>  learn'd, 

— BiirlKDian:    ••The  Drama  of  Kings.'- 


^Ivim 


C/ CLOTHES     SHOP         eareful  selection 

"Clothes   Th.it   M.ikt   Iho    Man'— 510   E.  Green 


^> 


STYLED 

FOR. 

YOVHC  TVfEIV 


KEATURE  DERBY  - 
One  of  the  new  Stetsons 
setting  the  styles  for 
Spring.  Medium  crown 
and  round,  open  curl. 


4... 
+„. 

I 

I 


■■'+■ 
I 


ODeaH^ 


Cafeteria 


610  East  Green  St. 


STETSON  HATS 

JOHN  B.  STETSON  COMPANY,  Philadelphi.n 


Popular  Prices 


[25] 


jmm 


-* 


The  Coffee 

that  made  "Sam' 

famous 


Whistle 
Inn 


TRY  OUR 

AFTER  LIBRARY 

LUNCHES 

Try  oiii'  Sugnr   Wjil'fles  nod 
Donffhniits 


Across  from  the 
Chem  Building 


If  Only 


All.'  sweet  Jlarie. 

Ildw  gnllnntly 

I    could   siiisi'   words   of   |)r;iis(': 

How  iU'deutly. 

I'k-statically 

I'oiiit  our  your  darliui;  ways — 

If  1  but  felt  that  they  were  so. 

Or  that  you  rated  i»raise,  hut  No 

I  am  afraid  it  cannot  he: 

You  do  not  rate  it — Sweet  Marie. 

S 

Caddie  (to  golfer  hadly  hunk- 
ered, with  opponent  well  on  the 
sir.  You  never  know;  the  other 
green)  :  Don't  give  np  the  hole, 
gcntleniau  might  have  a  tit. 

— Boston  Transcrijil . 

S 


Words  to  the  Foolish 

A  1 !)!'()  model  vampire  may  he 
made  over  into  an  excellent  V.yi'l 
style  flapper  by  means  of  bobbing 
the  hair,  shortening  the  skirts, 
and    jiaralysing  the   intellect. 


Content  comes  loith  elcctri- 
eily. — Electric   A1. 


WHEN     you     purchase     an 
electric  Lamp  buy  it  at  a 
shop   where  you  will   find 
service   when    you   need   it. 

We  are  famous  for  our  elec- 
trical dependability.  You  w-ill  al- 
ways find  good  selections  to 
choose  from  and  all  attractively 
priced. 


"-•j. 


"Milk-Fed"  Poultry 


There  is  a  difference  in 

our  Milk-fed  Poultry 


HCbTCLS  CAF£S 

P(ri(n3  CARS 

FRAT£RN{T(£S 
51  ehester  Street 


/— N/MM     30S 


PA<:;«£(?  6F 


GAR    1536 


n£AT  5f>£^(A(lT(£S 
Cr-1E£5E 


1-1.  PAUL  TICK  MGR. 


GhATnp6,i6n  111. 


+-» 


r2fi] 


jm£N 


To  His  Heart  a  Key 

(Continued  from  page  sixteen) 
sipiaiT   pill.     Kiiida    pfcltv    lliiiii;,    I  liiiiii;li."   riMiiiiiis 

(•('111  l.v. 

"Helen,  wiint  ;n-e  yon  sayiiij;  ?"  lie  was  iievci- 
sure  wlietlier  lie  slwiuk  lief  or  mil.  nl'leiw  anls.  ■•Ymi 
acliiall.v  mean   il   didn't    lieloiifi   to  yon?" 

••(!((()cl  nij;lit  !  I  ne\'ei-  said  it  evet-  lielon^cd  to 
iiie  any  time,  did  I?  What's  all  tlie  I'nss  ahoiit,  any 
liow?  I've  siiw  lots  prettier  jiins  than  that  in  my 
lime,  if  it's  style  you're  talkiiij;  ahoiil.  1  round  that 
on  tlie  front  \\alk  of  a  place  I  worked  at  last  siini 
nier  and  wore  it  some,  nntil  the  <;irl  who  lixcd  there 
said  it  helonfjed  to  her,  and  then,  of  course,  I  <;a\(' 
it  liack.  Let  me  j;('t  out.  I'm  sleepy,  ,iiid  if  the  old 
iiian'd  hapiien  to  wake  up  I'd  sure  lict  a  cnssin'." 

lie  nevei'  went    hack. 


Two  years  later,  (Jeorge  received  in  his  mail 
a  neat  little  packa<>e  containing  a  cojiy  of  the  sea- 
son's best  seller;  really  the  thing  had  created  an  aw- 
ful furore:  He'd  not  read  it  yet — meant  to,  of  course. 
His  eye  caught  the  author's  name  written  on  the  fly 
leaf.  An  autographed  copy.  Well,  that  last  deal  had 
heeli  a  jiretly  |)r(Uiiineiil   one.  ligiired  up  in  I  he  news- 


papers a    lot      he   read    furl  her. 

"Willi  the  ccinipliiiieiils  of  Helen  Ordhaiii 
(alias  Higginsi  to  the  man  who  made  possilile  this 
conipreliensive  study  of  a  reliilionsliip  e.xistin;;  lie- 
I  ween  two  American  classes," 

'. s 

I've  smelt  limliurger  cheese  in   Hie  snmiiier. 
And  had  heavyweiglits  sle])  on  my  corn; 
Keen  rolihed  both  by  crook  and  by  ]iliinilter. 
Had  the  phone  ring  at  four  in  the  iiioin. 
I've  had  crackers  place(l  iiuilei-  my  coM-rs, 
And   fly-paper  under  my  col  ; 
\ot  one  gives  the  awful  sensation 
Of  a  hot  bath  that  '(larn  if  aint  hot. 


I 


The  IN  MAN 

BARBER  SHOP 

Manicuring 
Shines 

Wilson  and  Percifield 


K.  &  B.  Typewriter 
Paper 

75c  Per  Ream 


This  jiaper  is  a  good  clean  while  sheet 
of  line  texture  and  surface.  Where  ever 
it  is  sold  it  invariably  repeats,  and  is 
an  excei>tioually  good  value. 


I 


I 
I       I 

1    i 

i  1 
1  I 

1  I 

!    ! 
I    1 


— »— .+ 
+ 


W<;  Lead  in  Every  Li)ic  We  Carry 

Knowlton  &  Bennett 

Urbana 


I    i 


1    I 
1    I 

!     i 
I    ! 


I 
I 

i 

I 


WE  HAVEN'T  MUCH 

TRADE  BUT  WHAT  WE 

HAVE  IS 

VERY 
CLASSY 


CAVANAUGH  BILLIARD 
PARLOR 

Over  Twin  City  No.  2 
Kl)   CAVANAUGH 


[271 


SmEN 


The  Persona]  WrJtini  Machine 


THAT'S  how  easy  it  is  to 
pay  for  Corona,  the 
little  6}  2-pound  typewriter 
you  can  fold  up,  take  with 
you,  write  with  anywhere. 
Phone  us  today  for  a  free 
demonstration. 

R.    C.    WHITE    &    CO. 
612    E.    Green 


!Did  He  Get  It ! 

Doc:  "You  cough  easiei-  tliis 
morning." 

Very  Patient:  "I  ought  to,  I've 
been  in-acticing  all  night." 

— Virgin ia    Reel. 

H 

"I  wish  YOU  wouldn't  iuterrui)t 
Hie.  Vou  drove  .something  clean 
nut  of  my  head". 

"Really?  I  didn't  know  you  had 
anything  clean  in  it". — Luinixxn). 

S 

Tretty  Thing  (to  football  try- 
out)  :    "In  what  position  do  you 

play?" 

Feetballer  (Iilushiug  i  :  "P.eut 
<(ver". — Gargoyle. 

S 

''Pop!  Did  they  play  baseball 
in  Noah's  time?" 

"No,  my  boy,  I  believe  not". 

"Why  didn't  they,  Pop?" 

"Wet  grounds,  I  guess". 

— Yonkcrs  l^lafesmaii . 


The 
Difference 

Between  good  Printing 
and  bad  Printing  is  a 
matter  of  only  a  few  dol- 
lars in  its  manufacture; 
but  in  its  comparative  re- 
sults there  is  an  inestim- 
able difference  in  value. 


stationery,  Dance  Pro- 
grams, Tickets  and  all 
kinds  of  Commercial 
Printing. 


Desks.  Chairs  and  Fil- 
ing Cabinets,  Office  out- 
fits. 


Pease  Print  Shop 

22  Main  St.  Garfield  224G 

CHAMPAIGN 


4.„_„ ,_.. .„_. — ,„„„ . , , ,._.„_,u ■,. . . , . — ,._„_.„_,._,„_,._.._.+ 


DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


/^-      -.HI 

Z^^B" 

i 

IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


PJHUie  Main  r>()l 


219  West  Main   Street 
URBANA,   ILLINOIS 


„ , „_,„ ._.U_J „_„_,„,_,._„_»_„_,. „_„ ._.,_„._„_„_. ._., „_,._„_„_„_„_.+ 


[28] 


JIfi£N 


READ! 

With  the  Aid  of  Right 
Lighting  ! 

Arithmetic,  grammar  and 
spelling  —  tough  propositions 
for  children.  Yet,  like  the 
help  of  an  older  mind,  right 
lighting  can  do  its  part  to 
make  them  easier.  Won't  you 
let  us  help  solve  your  lighting 
problem? 

CHANDLER 

ELECTRIC 

SHOP 

107  W.  Main  St, 


How  to  Get  a  Reputation    * 
for  Intellii^ence 

\\'c;ir  (orloisc  shell  rims.    Keep 

still  iiiosl  iif  the  (imc.    Add  "ami 

all    lliiU:   s(U-|    (iT    lliiii;;"    In   cvciv 

iciiiaiJc   yon    make.     Look    liorcd. 

S 

I'^tisscr :  1  waul  a  leave  of  ali 
seiice  for  ovei-  the  weeU-cml  lo 
visK  my  sister  in  Chicago. 

Dean  Kinicklyl  How  long  lia\i' 
yon  known  iiei-? 

I'nsser:  (alisenl-mindedly  I  — 
Ahont  Iwo  weeks. 

S 


-+ 


Foreign  .student  lo  histoiy  pi-ol'. 
— "Did  yoti  mean  that  we  were  to 
read    till    of    those    references   or 
simply  over  look  them  ?" 
-S 

"And  now,  my  dear  brethein, 
what  shall  I  say  more?"  thnml 
ered  the  Rev.  Longwind. 

"Amen,"     came     in     sepuchral 
tones  from  the  sttidents'  corner. 


Bidweirs 


Hot 

Peanuts 


iiiitiiiiiiiiii 


Best 

on  the 

Campus 


MOOREHEAD  FURNITURE  COMPANY 


Neil   and  University   Avenue 


CHAMTAIG-V,    ll.I.. 


We  Are  Especially  Well 

Equipped  in  Our  Rug 

Department 


E\i:KV'nil.\(;  in  llome  JMirnish 
ings.  A  mosi  (•(HM|i!ele  line  of 
I'ninitme.  for  every  room  or  use  in 
the  home. 

Featuring      all      reiniiremenls      for 
<"InI)s.  Fraternity,  and  Sororilv  houses. 


[29] 


Their  Qualilv  has  wiped  out 
price  distincHon  in  cigarettes 


\bu  cant  help  but  lij^  them! 

They  are  DIFFER ENT-T^ey  are  GOOD 


HREN 


We  want  that 
party  order— 

You  want  good  goods 

and  satisfactory 

service 


We  make  it  RIGHT 

and  deliver  it 

ON  TIME 

'NUF   SED 


i 

4..: 


Berry  man  Bakery 

213  South  Neil 
Oh   the  iniij  to  inint 


„™+. 


Tut,  Tut,  Eve ! 

\\'lii'ii   Adam   in    liliss  askcil    lOvc 

I'dP  a   kiss. 
She  innUcrcd  iicr  li|is  willi  a  cdu; 
(iavc   looks   so   ocslalic.   a  iiswcicil 

('nii)liatic. 
1   don't  care  A-dani   if   I   do. 

— Thi-  liii::  Saic. 
y 

"Are  tliosc  I'fifjs  I'resli?"' 

"Fresh,  iiinnr.'"  icplicd  tiic  vit- 
acioiis  dealer.  ••\\'liy,  I  lie  liens 
lliat  laid  (hem  ef>jis  ain't  even 
missed    "em   yet." 

—  liiriiiiiiiil"! Ill    \<  trx. 
S 

".My  dear,"  called  the  wile  to 
her  Imshand  in  the  next  room, 
"what  are  you  openinji  that  ean 
with'.'" 

""Why  with  a  can  ojieuer.  wliat'il 
you  suppose'.'" 

"Well  I  thouj^lit  from  your  re- 
mai'ks  that  yon  were  ahont  I0 
open  it  with  i)rayer." 

— Exehauge. 


T.  M.  Bacon 
&  Sons 


■t 

! 

I 


WHOLES  alii: 

RKTAIL 


Paints 

Glass 

Wall  Paper 


Chanqjai^n 


^m         mi         III.         Hi;         "n         "it 


I 

I 

I 
I 


m 


I   U.  of  I.  SUPPLY  STORE-On  the  Square 


I 

<v 

I 

SV 

(:) 
I 


i 

I 

I 
I 

••V' 

1' 

i 
i 


Spring  is  Coming— 

Golf  Clubs 

Spring  Poetry 

Base  Ball  Outfits 

Smoking  Materials 

Memory  Books  — 

Well,  what  do  you  want?    See  us. 


U.  of  I.  Supply  Store 


ON   'I'lIK   SQUARE 


I^*^^§$^i5^'^^$-^^|r^i 


HREN 


+ — , — .,_, — ,._„ — , — , — „ — , — ,„ — 


» — ■* 


^ 


Designs 

EHrckings 

Colorpla^es 

PKo+o-EngraVings 

/i^    ^°' — ^' 
J-idyJertisino 

J-airposes 
G.R.GRUDD  8  Co. 

Champaian. Illinois 


^ , , , .,_.,_, , , , ,4. 


Spring  Styles  for  Men 

S|ii-iiifi  styles  for  iiicii  sliow  ;i  little  e;isiii<;  at 
tlie  Wiiistliue,  witliont  the  loss  of  grace  or  the  eliiii- 
iiiatiou  of  the  chlcness  of  the  Kii<;lisli  silhouette. 
Lapels  are  longer.  Althoiijih  the  wing  collar  has 
been  favored  in  some  (pnu-ters,  those  who  dictate  de- 
cree say  that  it  is  i)asse.  Lord  Lewellyn  Broadhurst, 
lately  arrived  at  Xewi)ort,  has  never  been  seen  wear- 
ing one.  The  most  ladical  change  is  being  made  in 
cravats,  which  show  a  marked  tendency  toward  the 
anarchistic;  this  was  developed  recently  through 
the  visits  made  to  Russia  by  some  of  the  most  prom- 
inent eastern  tailleurs.  Jaunty  patent  leather  bloii- 
cher  styles  replace  the  heavier,  rougher  brogue  for 
spring.  ►Scarfs,  particularly  those  worn  with  even- 
ing dress,  show  a  charming  variation  from  fringe 
to  tassels  in  trimming;  silk  liats  have  been  raised 
in  the  crown  and  lowered  about  the  ears.  The  well- 
dressed  man  will  not  neglect  the  accessories — those 
small  articles  that  mean  so  much  in  the  eusendde 
effect  of  good  tailoring.  There  are  the  new  cigar- 
ette cases,  fashioned  charmingly  of  scented  woods; 
effective  new  sticks  with  jade  hamlles;  pairs  of  very 
small  side-burn  brushes  that  can  conveniently  be 
carried  in  an  inside  pocket;  and  smart  white  kid 
gloves  with  fancv  stitching. 


ILLINI  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


PRINTERS  AND  PUBLISHERS 


[32] 


From  A  Faint  Blue  Glow 
To  Modern  Miracles 

T^  DISON  saw  It  first — a  mere  shadow  of  blue  light  streaking  across  the 
^~*  terminals  inside  an  imperfect  electric  lamp.  This  "leak"  of  elec- 
tric current,  an  obstacle  to  lamp  perfection,  was  soon  banished  by 
removing  more  air  from  the  bulbs. 

But  the  ghostly  light,  and  its  mysterious  disappearance  in  a  high 
vacuum  remained  unexplained  for  years. 

Then  J.  J.  Thomson  established  the  electron  theory  on  the  trans- 
mission of  electricity  in  a  partial  vacuum — and  the  blue  light  was 
understood.  In  a  very  high  vacuum,  however,  the  light  and  appar- 
ently the  currents  that  caused  it  disappeared. 

One  day,  however,  a  scientist  in  the  Research  Laboratories  of  the 
General  Electric  Company  proved  that  a  current  could  be  made  to  pass 
through  the  highest  possible  vacuum,  and  could  be  varied  according  to 
fixed  laws.     But  the  phantom  light  had  vanished. 

Here  was  a  new  and  definite  phenomenon — a  basis  for  further  re- 
search. 

Immediately,  scientists  began  a  series  of  experiments  with  far  reach- 
ing practical  results.  A  new  type  of  X-ray  tube,  known  as  the  Coolidge 
tube,  soon  gave  a  great  impetus  to  the  art  of  surgery.  The  Kenotron 
and  Pllotron,  followed  in  quick  succession  by  the  Dynatron  and  Mag- 
netron, made  possible  long  distance  radio  telephony  and  revolutionized 
radio  telegraphy.  And  the  usefulness  of  the  "tron"  family  has  only 
begun. 

The  troublesome  little  blue  glow  was  banished  nearly  forty  years 
ago.  But  for  scientific  research,  it  would  have  been  forgotten.  Yet 
there  is  hardly  a  man,  woman  or  child  in  the  country  today  whose 
life  has  not  been  benefited,  directly  or  indirectly,  by  the  results  of 
the  scientific  investigations  that  followed. 

Thus  it  is  that  persistent  organized  research  gives  man  new  tools, 
makes  available  forces  that  otherwise  might  remain  unknown  for 
centuries. 


General®Electric 


Ceneial  Office 


Company 


Schenectady,  N.  Y. 

95-473HD 


GORDON 

'^Arrow  shirt 

for  College  Men 

CLUETT,PEABODY   ^CO.  INO/fl/^ers,  T  ROY,  N.  Y. 


* 


jmEN 


UmVEBSITT  Of  lUI '■ 


i    DEDICATED  TO  NEUROSIS,  DECADENCE  AND^^ffff 

r 
I 

I 

I 

I 

I 


APRIL 


MCMXII   g 


gf^-^J.^Vis'i.^V-f^iJl^V-i^isVV^V-^ii^^V-^J^^V^^^ 


JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 


How  to  Smile! 


It's  a  great  thing  to  be  able  to  greet  the 
rising  sun  witli  a  smile  —  to  oiitsing  the 
early  songbirds  that  flutter  around  your 
window,  while  dressing  —  in  short  to  be 
glad  you  are  alive. 

One  thing  that  helps  a  fellow  to  greet  the 
world  with  a  feeling  of  gladness  is  the 
knowledge  that  from  the  shoes  and  hose 
that  cover  his  feet  to  the  felt  or  straw  hat 
that  covers  his  head,  his  clothes  are  cor- 
rect. 

The  Jos.  Kuhn  &  Co.  store  has  always 
made  a  specialty  of  handling  clothes  that 
are  correct  —  clothes  that  the  most  fasti- 
dious man  can  be  proud  to  wear — no  mat- 
ter what  the  occasion.  But  while  our 
styles  are  the  latest,  by  cutting  profits  to 
a  minimum,  we  have  kept  the  price  of  our 
high  quality  merchandise  within  the 
reach  of  every  man's  pocket  book. 

There's  clothes  satisfaction  in  every  bit 
of  merchandise  sold  by 

Central  Illinois  Greatest  Store  for  Men 


33-35-37  Main  Street 


Champaign 


Awarded  First  Place 
by  the  Critics  of  America 


■m 


Whitman's  famous  candies  are  sold  by 


Vrhona 

Mouyious  Bros. 

University  Pharmacy,  505  S.  Goodwin 

Urhana  Drug  Company,  111  W.  Main  St. 


Champaign 

John  Schuler  &.  Co. 
Arcade  Confectionery 
0.  A.  ThornbiU) 


Special 
Illinois 
Packagt 


lOOEN 


T.  M.  Bacon 
&  Sons 

WHOLESALE 
RETAIL 


I 

I 

+.. 

+11. 

i 

s 

I 


Paints 

Glass 

Wall  Paper 


Champaign 


Slie:      "Half    llie    woiiieii    lici-e 
don't  kiiDW  liow  to  dress." 

It :    "And  tlie  other  half  (h)n"l." 
— Pelican. 


,|iij        m        „        iiii   .    „|,        |„| 


., .+ 


Father:  "I've  told  yon  time 
and  afiain  not  to  see  that  yonng 
man.  and  now  for  the  last  time  1 
tell  you  not  to  have  anything  to 
do  with  him." 

iShe  (sobing)  :  "Oh  father,  1 
want  Jack,  I  do  want  Jack." 

Father:  "Alright.  Here's  a 
Inindred  dollars,  Imt  remember 
what  1  saiil."  — Octopus. 

S 


"T  went  to  a  wedding  of  a  friend 
of  mine  today." 

"Well." 

''And  the  minister  stoi)]>ed  a 
minnte  and  said,  'AVho  will  give 
the  bride  away?'  " 

"What  abont  it?" 

"Well,  I  could  liave;  but  I 
didn't  want  to." 

— Pinicli   lioirl. 


You  will  admire  our 
workmanship  in  all 
lines  of  Dyeing  and 
Cleaning. 


Carpets  and   Rugs  Given 
Special  Attention 

PARIS  DYEING  & 
CLEANING  WKS. 

Call  Main  1744 


J 


•I""  — '" — '" 


i 

i 

I 


'Milk-Fed"  Poultry 


There  is  a  difference  in 

our  Milk-fed  Poultry 


HOTELS  CAF£S 
PirKfSfi  CARS 
FRATGRfS(T{£S 

soRC)Rirces 


51  ehester  Street 


+-.. 


4mk^  Ti^i 


PACKER  6F 

r^/CMIM    305  ^^^^^  GAR    1536 

1-1,  PAUL  TICK  MGR. 


[2J 


C^El\T  SPE^l/^LXiES    \ 


I 


GhAmp6.i6n  HI. 


JI6£N 


*•— 


Arcade 

Barber  Shop 

Cushing   Bros.    I'roii. 


IN  ORDER 
1 

■•Cush" 

2 

"Sam" 

3 

"Roy" 

4 

"Mack" 

5 

"Curt" 

Let  us  demonstrate  the 
Scott  Sharpener,  it  gets 
results  from  all  the 
safety  blades  in  exist- 
ence. 

I   see  "Cush"  He  Knows 


Firsl  Olliccr:  "Hid  you  {^ct 
that    fellow's  iiMinlicr?" 

Sccoml  (Xlicrr:  "No;  lie  was 
i^oiii  too  fast." 

]'"'ii'st  Olliccr:  "Sav,  llial  was  a 
tiiii' lookiiii;  (lame   in   tliccai-.'" 

Si'Cdinl  (»lliccr:     "Wasn't  siic? 

S 


'rciii|i('raii(-e  lA'ctiircr :  "If  I 
lead  a  iloiikev  U])  to  a  pail  of  water 
and  a  pail  of  beer,  wliicli  will  lie 
chose  ti>  drink  ?"■ 

Hoak:    "The  water." 

T.  L. :    "And  why?" 

Soak:  "Heeanse  he  is  an  ass." 
— Chaparral. 


-S- 


"Waiter!" 
'•Yes,  sii-." 
•What  is  this'.'" 
••]t's  l)eaii  soup,  sir." 
••Xo  matter  what   it    has  been; 
what  is  it  now?" 

— Vir(/iiii(t  Krrl. 


READ! 

With  the  Aid  of  Right 
Lighting  ! 

Arithmetic,  grammar  and 
spelling  —  tough  propositions 
for  children.  Yet,  like  the 
help  of  an  older  mind,  right 
lighting  can  do  its  part  to 
make  them  easier.  Won't  you 
let  us  help  solve  your  lighting 
problem? 

CHANDLER 

ELECTRIC 

SHOP 

107  W.  Main  St. 
IIREANA 


Wanted! 


A  few  more  students  to  put  their  feet  under  our 
tables  about  two  or  three  times  a  day 


Gilliland's  Cafeteria 

117  South  Race  Street— Urbana 


[3] 


jnxN 


#'mttl)cnt  '^caJRoom 

LUNCHEONS 

AFTERNOON   TEAS 

DINNERS 


ROOMS    FOR 
BANQUETS    AND    PARTIES 


"^.nlllHll""" Ill'"" 


Newbride:  "Did  ymi  get  seats 
for  tlie  theatre,  dearie'" 

Him:  "Yes,  love.  1  got  tUe 
forty-third  row." 

>\e\vl)ride:      "Oil,    I'm    so   glad. 
Tlie  sliow   won't   bother  lis  a  bit 
baclv  there."                      — Dirtjc. 
S 

"AVliy,  Bob  Siiiitli:  How  dare 
you  pass  ine  iij)  on  tiie  street  T' 

"Oil,  I  beg  yonr  pardon,  Milly. 
You  liave  a  new  pair  of  slioes  and 
I  didn't  recognize  you." 

— The  Phoenix. 


Heatiny  is  our  one  big  boast 
We  will  make  you  warm  as 

toast. 
— from  the  proverbs  of  Mr.  Quick 


IS  your  house  comforta- 
ble? Is  there  plenty  of 
heaf?  No.  Well,  why 
not  ask  us  to  help  you  out. 
We  find  the  way  and  teli 
you  the  cost  at  once. 


L.  W.  Apperson 

URBANA 

120  S.  Race  St. 


1 

I     Main  906 

s 

I 

* — 


DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


Phone  Main  5(J1 


219  West  Main   Street 
URBANA,   ILLINOIS 


t 


[41 


I 


smm 


Telephone  Lines 

(Statistics  prepared  by  the  class  in  English  Conversation) 
Women 

1.  "I'll  have  to  break  that  date;  you  see  my  aunt  (1), 
mother  (2),  friend  (142)  just  dropped  in  and  I  have  to  en- 
tertain her.     I'm  awfully  sorry   (256)." 

2.  "I  think  I  can  go;   did  you  say  for  dinner  (322)?" 

3.  "You  never  speak  to  me  when  1  see  you  on  the 
street   (12),  on  the  street-car   (18),  in  your  car   (118)." 

4.  "He's  awfully  slick  (228).  attractive  (204),  cute 
(169)?,  sarcastic  (342),  conceited  (495)."  "He's  a  dear 
(780)." 

5.  "That's  a  good  line  (144);  that's  what  they  all 
say  (427);  that's  just  what  you  told  my  roommate  last 
week   (961)." 

Men 

1.  "I'll  see  you  at  church  (1),  at  my  eight  o'clock 
(2),  Monday   (2).  Saturday  night  (643)." 

2.  "Say,  man,  we've  got  some  stuff  lined  up  (50)4 
some  bonded  stuff  (2),  some  grape  wine  (4).  some  moon- 
shine (44).     Do  you  know  where  I  can  get  a  quart  (1,190)?" 

3.  "I've  been  trying  to  get  you  for  two  weeks  (127). 
but  the  phone  was  out  of  order  (10),  but  the  line  was 
busy  (110). 

4.  "Is  this  the  repair  shop?  When  will  my  car  be 
fixed  (3)?     When  will  my  shoes  be  fixed   (937)?" 

5.  "How  did  you  make  out  in  Acounting  (356):  I  hit 
it  hard  (1),  fairly  well  (6),  missed  the  last  question  (21), 
missed  all  the  questions  (121),  didn't  go  (298)." 

— Exchange. 


Confessions  of  a  vSuicide 

It  sci'iiis  lliat  1  liad  liccii  staiidiii};  iiii  llic  l)fi(l;;(' 
riircvci-:  ci'iitiiiics  liad  passed  siiici'  yesterday  when 
slic  liad  told  ine  that  we  could  iievei-  marry.  -My 
life,  my  holies,  my  every  amhition  had  heeii  sliat- 
tered  by  lliose  Icll  words  of  hers.  Ts  it  heller  to  live 
oil.  or  seek  the  (|iiicl  of  t  lie  si  ream  lieliiw.  I  womhTed. 
A  iiassiiij;-  motor  rou.sed  me  Irom  my  stii|«ir.  Tiie 
lace  at  the  window  was  hers,  and  in  aiiolliei's  arms. 
"Stoii".  my  better  sense  warned,  "it  may  lie  only  an 
innocent  little  peltiiifj-  jiarly",  lint  it  was  too  late, 
loo  late.  My  lirst  impnlse  on  strikin;;  the  water  was 
to  .swim,  and  swim  I  did  until  my  strenj^th  Tailed, 
for  I  bad  eaten  and  the  water  was  deathly  cold. 
A  green  mist  formed  before  my  eyes;  and  through 
its  garnet  medium  I  reviewed  the  events  of  my  life. 
My  body  became  strangely  bonyant.  and  then  a  scaly 
crust  seemed  to  enshroml  my  whole  frame.  "Is 
this',  I  screamed,  "the  ]iuni.shment  destined  for  a 
suicide".  My  scream  seemed  to  be  the  saviour  of  my 
being;  for  the  scales  fell  from  niy  eyes,  and  things 
became  rational.  Something  liickleil  down  my  fore- 
head, it  is  blood  1  Ihoiighl.  The  blood  letting  cleared 
my  brain,  and  1  oiiened  my  eyes— yes,  the  damn  roof 
was  leaking  again. 

— Dan  Allen 


U.  of  I.  SUPPLY  STORE-On  the  Square 


Spring  Is  Coming— 

Golf  Clubs 

Spring  Poetry 

Base  Ball  Outfits 

Smoking  Materials 

Memory  Books  — 

Well,  what  do  you  want?    See  us. 

U.  of  I.  Supply  Store 


l^^^^^^^^J^^^^^ 


ON  THE   SQUARE 


[5] 


HREN 


^HiiuiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiniiiMiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiMiiaiiiiiiiMiiiaiiiiiiiiiiMaiiiMiiiiiiiuiiJMiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiin^^ 


BASEBALL!! 


A  Prerequisite  for  a  Degree 

How  about  it  ?  Would  you  be  in  favor  of  requir- 
ing every  student  to  attend  the  baseball  games? 

Any  Illini  who  couldn't  enthuse  over  a  game  of 
baseball  would  be  a  nice  representative  of  the 
tribe,  wouldn't  he? 

This  may  be  beside  the  point,  however;  for 
every  student  we  know  is  so  anxious  for  the 
games  to  start  that  he  can  hardly  wait. 

We  do  our  part  toward  boosting  baseball  by  car- 
rying all  the  supplies.  We  have  a  complete  line  of 
baseball  equipment. 


tuDml;^u]jplijt^lrore 


"Cluick"  Bailey 


"Shelbv"  Himes 


;,iuiiMiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiMiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiRiiiiiiiiiiii[)iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiii)iiiiii uiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiin niiiiiiiiiiiiuiiiiiiiiiiiio iiiiiiQiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiin' 

[6] 


JICEN 


SCHOLASTIC 

PASTIMES 

II 


Wondering  How  He  Rates  It 


[7] 


T.  P.  BouRLAND,  Editor;  George  B.  Switzek,  Art  Editor;  J.  A.  Nuckoi.ln,  Busiiiens  Maiuiycr ;  R.  R.  Fowi,i;i!,  Assist- 
G.  V.  Buchanan,  Jr.,  ContrihtUing  Editor;  Jack  Tuttle,  ant  Business  Manayer;  R.  J.  Webeu,  Advertising  Manager; 
Exchange  Editor;  Hoken  Hoie,   Contributing  Artist.  R.  H.  Ferguson.  Circiihition  Manager. 


Editorial  Staff 

A.  L.  Stbaus  L.  F.  Trtggs 

O.  T>.  BuROE  D.  C.  ArxEN 

ClIAS.   E.   NOYES 


Business  Staff 


BtRT   HlTRD 

G.  Zeiger 

W.  Meknts 
P.  Redemski 
Hkih  Fechtman 
S.  Fortier 


Fl.OYD   MOCHON 
W.   C.    RUNKI.E 

J.  O.  Keth 
Mary  Werts 
Bruce  Cowan 
Ri  TH  Thrasher 


Art  Staff 

G.  V.  Buchanan  Dorothy  Schulze 
Beatrice  Adams    Helen  Hottinger 
Martin  Topper      Constance  Freeman 
M.  R.  Marx  C.  W.  Bauohman 

J.   J.  Bresee  Elizabeth   Boogs 


Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of_  Illinois,  during  the  college  year.  Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the 
postoffice  at  Urbana,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879.  Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price,  $1.50  the 
year  local,   $1.75  by  mail.    Address  all  communications  to   106  University    Hall,  Urbana,  Illinois. 


Dedication 


BECAUSE:  by  reason  of  strike  and  flood  and  elections 
and  much  talk  in  newspapers,  this  Earth  seems  hard 
bound  upon  the  comic  canines,  because  men  are  a  vexa- 
tion and  women  a  problem,  because  life  is  so  short  and 
art  so  long,  because  graduation  is  impossible  without  im- 
possible mathematics,  because  there  are  only  twenty-four 
hours  in  a  day,  and  eminently  because  I,  the  editor,  feel 
that  way  about  it,  this  issue  of  the  Siren  is  here  made 
dedicate  to  those  three  principles  which  seemingly  moti- 
vate the  lives  of  contemporary  colegers;  Neurosis,  Deca- 
dence, and  Blah. 

S 


the  high  spiked  wall  of  Academia.  merit  consideration  in 
this  semi-occasional  Siren?  What  is  right  to  say  of  this, 
of  that,  of  the  other?  Shall  we  praise  the  Unit  System? 
Blame  the  Faculty  Follies?  Censure  the  Springtime? 
Laud  the  politicians?  Incinerate  the  Union?  Bark  at  the 
newest  styles  in  Periwinkle  Blue?  Dredge  the  Boneyard? 
Board  up  Crystal  Lake  Park?  Or  the  reverse?  Or  does  it 
make  any  difference? 

The  last  suggestion  seems  to  us  the  most  comfortable. 
To  our  muttons  then,  with  a  light  heart. 
S 


Recapitulation 


Since  last  we  were  privileged  to  express  ourselves  in 
editorial  print  much  water  has  flowed  under  the  local 
Bridge  of  Sighs.  The  bosom  of  this  murky  flood  has  horn 
many  chips,  big  and  little,  all  clamoring  to  high  heaven 
for  attention.  Our  ponderous  contemporary,  the  Daily 
Illini,  remarked  of  us  once  that  we  filled  rather  painfully 
our  two  pages  of  comment,  so  in  approaching  these  chips 
a  certain  delicacy  of  discrimination  is  needful.  What 
events  and  institutions  and  happenings  and   erata,  within 


More  System 

There  is  this  matter  of  Units.  It  seems  that  students, 
banded  together  in  the  bonds  of  geographic  location,  will 
naturally,  through  mutual  activities  in  the  baseball  and 
dancing  way,  attain  that  union  in  which  strength  abides; 
this  strength  attained,  it  follows  that  student  government 
will  be  even  more  represenative.  This  is  my  own  inter- 
pretation, and  I  subject  myself  to  correction. 

One  cannot  in  conscience  avoid  favoring  such  altruism. 
Of  course,  the  sentimentally  inclined  will  regret  somewhat 
the  passing  of  the  corrupt,  yet  somehow  dear,  forms  of  the 
aucicn  regime.  When  the  plotting  groups  about  the  Arcade 
have  vanished,  when  no  more  crafty  cokes  find  their  way 
into  the  whistles  of  thirsty  and  grateful  voters,  when  com- 
mon democratic  Honesty  stalks  alone  at  midday  and 
shrewd  Geniality  weeps  in  the  dust— there  will  be  reac- 
tionaries still  to  weep  the  day.    But 1,  for  one,  will 

have  other  things  to  weep  over  by  then. 

So  let  the  purging  spirit  of  the  Unit  System  abide  in 
all  glory.  The  Siren  will  support  it  as  she  supports  all 
idealists— with  her  whole  amphibious  heart — and  a  tinge 
of  pity. 


[8] 


smm 


Pierrot  Goeth  Afield 


The  student  opera,  "Tea  Time  in  Tibet",  was  produced 
in  Cliicago  this  year.  Everybody  had  a  grand  time,  as  far 
as  I  l<no\v.  Even  the  audience  was  pleased.  It  is  to  be 
lioped  that  this  will  in  future  years  l)e  regarded  as  a  pre- 
cedent, since  there  is  no  particular  reason  wliy  Ilinois 
and  the  Pierrots  should  not  make  as  big  a  splash  in  tin- 
show  line  as  Michigan  and  others. 

S 


Encore  Morals 


In  the  last  year  the  Literary  Digest  published  a  sym- 
posium on  the  subject  of  youthful  morals.  The  present 
writer  contributed  thereto — something  about  an  orchestra 
leader's  impression  of  a  college  dance.  Now  a  letter  comes 
from  the  Digest,  asking  if  morals  have  improved  since 
that  time.  The  letter  should  be  answered.  Questions 
arise: 

1.  Were  young  morals  ever  particularly  bad — or  good? 

2.  Do  they  change  much  from  year  to  year? 

3.  Is  not  the  trouble,  after  all,  a  matter  of  vulgarity 
rather  than  immorality? 

4.  Or  is  vulgarity  immoral? 

5.  Or  immorality  vulgar? 

6.  Are  we.  as  Illinois  young  persons,  better  or  worse 
in  moral  and  manner  than  other  young  persons? 

One  should  offer  a  prize,  I  suppose,  and  call  for  essays. 
But  it  would  be  terrible  to  have  to  read  them.  So  just  think 
about  it.  fellow  young  persons. 

s 


Smut 


A  few  college  publications  have  of  late  been  suspended 
and  otherwise  disciplined  for  indulging  in  smut.  Likely 
enough,  could  one  investigate  the  various  cases  thorough- 
ly, the  question  would  develop  the  usual  two  sides.  View- 
ing these  cases  from  a  distance,  however,  one  is  inclined 
to  say  that  justice  had  been  done. 

It  is  a  regrettable  truth  that  a  glance  through  the  ex- 
change flies  of  college  contemporaries  will  tend  to  implant 
suspicion  of  the  innate  purity  of  modern  youth.     1  quote: 

;S7ie  (plai/fulhi) — Let   inc  chrw  your  yumf 

He   (wore  phtiifiilly) — Which  one,  upprr  or  lonerf 

This,  of  course,  is  a  flagrant  example,  in  which  impurity 
and  gross  vulgarity  mingle.  It  seems  almost  incredible 
that  such  a  pot-house  quip  could  be  printed  at  all;  this 
appeared  in  a  university  publication. 


Other  and  less  repulsive  and  more  sugestive  "wheezes" 
appe:ir  In  the  college  brochures,  world  without  end.  Does 
this,  lliinlv  you,  signify  that  some  miasma  pervades  the 
modern  air  which  decays  the  fabric  of  youlhfulness?  Or 
does  it  point  to  some  grave  elemental  flaw  in  the  texture  of 
the  universities  themselves?  Possibly  the  universities  are 
not  the  civilizing  agents  which  tliey  in  their  very  nature 
should  be.  Possibly,  on  the  other  hand,  they  find  the 
freshman  raw  material  too  raw— not  fit  subjects  for  a  civil- 
izing process  to  affect.  In  either  case,  this  matter  of  col- 
legiate smut  evidences  a  great  national  failure  in  the 
matter  of  culture— a  failure  which  the  suspension  of  a 
little  magazine  or  so  does  not  in  any  way  mitigate. 

Somewhere  in  the  American  heart  lies  the  root  of  the 
evil.  Correction  must  proceed  from  the  American  uni- 
versity, and  method  of  correction  must  be  more  profound 
and  searching  than  that  mere  anodyne,  discipline. 

S 


The  E.  E.  Show 

Did  you  ever  see  lightning  strike  twice  in  the  same 
place?  Did  you  ever  hear  a  tree  talk?  Ever  see  a  per- 
petual motion  machine  emote  perpetually?  Did  you  ever 
see  a  a  real  live  Volt  stand  up  on  its  hind  legs,  bark,  and 
jump  through  a  hoop?  No,  I  am  not  spoofing;  I  was  a 
skeptic  niy.self  until  I  took  in  the  Electrical  Engineering 
Show  on  the  week  end  of  the  twenty-second  instant.  All 
these  things  happened  there.     It  was  thus,  and  thus; 

Tlie  radio  was  given  notable  prominence  throughout 
the  whole  show.  Music  from  the  air  was  picked  up  in  sev- 
eral places.  The  large  spark  transmitter  of  the  university 
station  was  in  operation  and  was  viewed  with  awe.  The 
high  frequency  Tesla  coil  was  spectacular  in  operation  pro- 
ducing sparks  some  eight  or  ten  feet  in  length.  The  crowd 
was  treated  to  a  miniature  movie  which  exhibited  such 
phenomenon  as  electrons  chasing  themselves  through  the 
confines  of  a  vacuum  tube,  and  several  X-ray  views  of  the 
machinery  in  the  articulation  of  our  various  and  sundry 
bones. 

Mr.  Clarence  Conrad  and  the  committee  in  charge  are 
truly  to  be  congratulated  on  the  way  in  which  this  splendid 
stiow  was  handled  and  in  the  interesting  and  varied  nature 
of  the  exhibit.  — L.  T.  B. 


A  Sop  to  Cerberus 


As  a  nominally  humorous  publication,  the  Siren  is 
possibly  expected  to  say  something  of  the  coming  elections. 
Have  you  noticed  what  odd  weather  we  are  having  this 
Springtide?  They  say  it  is  caused  by  mistakes  about  the 
flags  on  Uni  Hall.  I  have  often  thought  of  sneaking  up 
there  some  night  and  hoisting  a  banner  of  Scottish  plaid, 
just  to  see  what  would  happen.  Yes  ....  the  Siren  is 
probably  expected  to  say  something  of  the  coming  election. 


[9] 


MBEH 


A  Homely  Disclosure  on  Useless 
Knowledge 

Et  Verxo.v  Kx.vrr. 
I 
< )  an  aesthetic  pliase  of  my  mother's  i>as- 
sion  for  cleanliness,  I  frankly  attribute 
my  appaling  store  of  useless  knowledge. 
It  was  my  mother's  custom  to  shroud 
ihosc  lidiiseliold  articles  that  would  not  be  the  better 
for  soap  and  water,  in  layers  of  newspaper.  Xews- 
])apers  protected  tlie  section  of  tinted  wall  behind 
tlie  kitchen  sink.  New.spapers  protected  the  wood- 
work alKiut  the  wash  stand,  covered  bureaus,  papered 
the  cellar  wall,  draped  the  cu]iboard  shelves.  News- 
papers were  everywhere. 

And  it  was  my  happy  custom  to  forget  the  un- 
])leasantness  of  whatever  honschcdd  duties  it  was 
my  lot  to  perform  by  losing  myself  in  the  fascinat- 
ing columns  which  hung  so  convenientlv  before  mv 


eves. 


II 


Often  the  papers  told  of  notiung  but  tlii'  liiitlis. 
dentils,  marriages  and  other  misfortunes  of  the 
world  that  haipjiened  in  and  about  Asliton.  Hut  I 
remember  i)biiu]y  in  a  weekly  slieet  a  learned  article 
that  hung  before  my  gaze  for  a  week.  I  can  almost 
repeat  it  now,  word  for  word,  to  the  first  row  of 
tacks  that  held  it  in  place.  I  had  waslied  tlie 
dishes  each  meal  during 
every  day  of  the  week  with 
my  eyes  glued  upon  it, 
aiul  I  read  it  through  each 
time.  It  was  a  disser- 
tation on  the  "Venus  Fly 
Trap."  Tlieu  I  remember 
a  denouiiuatioual  weekly 
which  kept  the  oilcloth 
covering  of  the  kitchen 
table  free  from  stain  and 
gave  me  a  biased  but  con- 
sistent view  of  church  his- 
tory. The  iqiper  and  low- 
er shelves  of  the  range 
were  covered  respectively 
with  sheets  containing 
topics  on,  "The  Fall  of 
Rome"  and  "The  Cause 
of  Democratic  Disintegra- 
tion.'' 

Then,  too,  there  ap 
peared  at  other  times 
around  the  shelf  on  which 
the  soap  box  rested  many 
giddy  articles  on.  "My 
(Continued  on  Page  20) 


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From  the  Nortli  a  vvliistle  blew; 
From  the  South,  a  gentle  "Moo!" 
James,  pump  full  the  drinking  horn: 
The  milkman  won't  be  'round  this  morn. 


Memoirs  of  a  Campus  Thespian 

By  One  of  Tue.m 

"That  part  is  yours;  you  are 
highly  honored.  Tell  all  your 
friends ;  this  is  glory.  And  inci- 
dentally, here's  the  script ;  come 
iiack  tonight;  know  the  first  act." 
I  arose  and,  groping  for  my 
hat,  placed  it  upon  my  head.  The 
suspense,  the  brain  strain  was  over.  Tag,  I  was  it  1 
I  thanked  them,  placed  tlie  book  beneath  my 
arm.  and  bowed  myself  gracefully  from  the  room. 
(I  fell  over  a  cliair  near  the  door,  but  that  was  no 
matter  for  I  looked  about  alertly  as  T  got  up  to 
make  stire  I  was  unobserved). 

I  was  in  a  play.  For  weeks  all  tlie  dramatically 
inclined  had  been  crawling,  stealthily  ujion  this 
part,  casting  sleek  glances  of  resolve  at  their  op- 
ponents, and  licking  their  chops  in  contemplation 
of  the  jirize.  Ilut  I  had  reached  it  first.  In  my  own 
eyes  I  was  some  Perseus  with  a  coveted  head  held 
high. 

I  lay  awake  in  my  bed  that  midnight  musing 
on  my  good  fortune  as  a  child  sucks  contentedly  on 
a  sweet  stick  of  candy. 

Mon  Dii'U.  till'  rude  awakening  I  "When  I  hinted 
that  I  nnist  leave  at  mid- 
night sharp  to  survey  for 
a  "Survey  of  English  Lit- 
ei-ature"  ciuirse.  they  smil- 
ed savagely  and  wagged 
their  heads.  And  the  stage 
director  went  so  far  as  to 
snap  his  fingers  indepen- 
dently and  say:  "Leave, 
darn  you  ;  we'll  give  your 
part  to  the  'loiterer"  !" 

We  had  our  pictures 
taken;  it  was  explained 
that  this  was  also  glory  in 
view  of  the  fact  that  our 
faces  would  be  put  on  post- 
ers about  the  town  which 
was  tine  v*'ii''^<'iii'l  adver- 
tisement. The  jihotog- 
i-aplier  arranged  <>iir  hands 
and  the  coach  read  lines 
of  the  jilay  to  create  at- 
mosphere— it  gives  one  an 
aesthetic  feeling. 

They  pasted  t  h  e 
prints  on  posters  and  hung 


[10] 


I 


JIREN 


tlu'iii  ill  ri-c(|ii('iil('il  |)l:ic('.s  mImmiI  iIic  (Min|ins.  I 
jimssimI  Ilicst-  witii  iioiiclialciifc  s('\('ral  liiiics  in  tlio 
lU'Xt  1\v<i  weeks,  ^lancinji  at  tlieiii  siieakiiifjly  when 
no  one  was  al)oMt.  a  feelile  jn-ide  swellinjj  my  breast. 
Hnt  on  one  occasion  my  indi-ina- 
lion  asserted  itself  when  I  loiind 
an  unfeeling  jiiece  of  fjiim  stuck 
Tipoii  my  dramatic  innifji'. 

The  tii-st  iU'^ht  affixed  as  all 
lifst  nights  are  inclined  to  do.  l>y 
six  o'clock  the  cast  stormed  the 
theatre,  donned  the  costumes  and 
a  suitahle  coat  of  greasepaint,  and  liy  seven  was 
sitting  nervously  off-stage  waiting  for  the  ainlience 
to  asseiidde.  It  drifted  in  slowly  with  iidiunian 
indifference,  draping  itself  iu  chattering  solidity 
over  the  chairs.  We  observed  it  throngh  the  peek- 
holes  after  the  stage-hand,  with  majestic  procras- 
tination, raised  the  asbestos — hungry  for  sympa- 
thetic faces,  scanned  the  conutenance  of  friend 
and  foe.  Tlie  api)ropriately  excited  we  1)lessed ; 
the  indiffei-ent  we  cursed:  those  who  stayed  at 
home  we   damned. 

No  one  in  the  cast  was  frightened.  I 'No,  never 
lose  my  balance,  y"  know.  So  many  parts  in  the 
last  tlivce  years:  play  i>ositively  bf)ring  after  a 
while."  I  the  coach  was  glad  of  this,  but  took  on 
a  doubtful  look  when  I  tried  to  light  a  candle  and 
<lropped  the  match. 

At  8:1.")  they  played  the  chiines,  (all  good 
plays  have  chimes,  yon  knowi,  a  dirty  call-boy  in 
overalls  shouted  "First  act:  all  up,"  to  encourage 
professionalism  anil  self-respect,  the  curtain  as- 
cended noisily,  and  inspiration  settled  on  my 
heart. 

Everyone  thought  it  went  very  well,  and  we 
had  three  curtain  calls.  Freddy  knocked  tlie  i)ic- 
lure  off  the  mantle  in  the  last  act,  but  I  was  alert 
and  said,  "You  little  devil,  now'  see  what  you've 
done,"  and  everyone  tliought  it  was  in  the  show. 

I  still  think  those  Illini  critics  were  loir,  menu, 
hj'uKj  ironiix.  After  all  our  work,  and  the  insult 
about  the  gum,  and  the  nice  things  people  said  in 
Mosi's.  they  called  it  "shallow  stuff"."  And  I 
did  n't  lisp — I  never  lisped  in  all  my  life. 

And  on  ilonday  a  female  in  my  gym  class 
said:     "Honey,  you  just  <lone  grand  I" 

I'm  going  into  Sennett  comedies. 
S 

"W'iiy  is  an  oiange  like  an  eleiiliaiit '" 

"I'll  bite." 

"Because  neither  one  of  them  can  lide  a  bicycle." 

S 

He:     I  had  a  little  engine  trouble  last  nite. 
8he:     Ycni  never  have  that  wlien  Fm  with  you. 

• — Octijimis. 


Espirit  Du  Siecle 


The  Ancient :     Wiien  1  was  a  young  feller  pups 
didn't  have  no  tleasl 


Three  Minutes  After  Nine 

>^ II. SIX  use!  A  bit  of  s-liuffliiifj!  Wrist  initclirs 
ill  rridencc'  Excitid  rciiiarks  in  loir  tours!  Gig- 
(ftiiKJ  Craiiinf/  of  ini-h-s  for  Inttcr  risitm  of  tlie  door! 
A  dec/}  roicc: 

"Come  on!    Let's  <jo!" 

Chorus  of  shrill  voices:  "(Hi,  no!  It's  not 
time  yet!    Fifteen  seconds!" 

Deep  voice  again:    "Oh.  hell!" 

i'<hocked  surprise!  Girls  in  front  roir  turn 
around  quistioninghj. 

"Three  minutes  I"  pipes  up  one  of  the  shrill 
roices. 

tSonie  of  the  girls  rise  hesiliit ingli/. 

"  Shall  we"?"    This  from  the  girl  hg  tlie  door. 

"Yeah I — let's'?"'    And  .still  theg  demur! 

Men  in  hack  row  are  iiieaniohile  donning  their 
coats.  Girls,  snickering,  leave  their  seats,  aukirard- 
Ijl  and  uncertainlg.  Half  a  dozen  of  thcin  are  on 
their  iraij  to  the  door! 

*  *   *  *     » 

Enter,  the  instructor!    Hasty  scramble  to  regain 
seats! 

*  ■»     *     -^        -X- 

Mrn  again  reinore  llnir  coals  and  iiluinp  do'irii 
into  their  chairs. 

I n.structor  takes  off  his  coal,  and  remarks: 
"Fooled  you  girl.s  that  time,  didu'l  l'"'  (Or  some 
etjuallj/  humorous  remark). 

(hithiirst  of  .soprano  laughter! 

Deep  voice,  again:    "OIi,  hell!" 

Slow  curtain. 

—Frank  H.  Hutchins. 


[Ill 


sism 


I 


THr.  FIRST  rfeApJ 


// 


OMUR.PAy    rSjGHT 


'-Dmy's  60HE^-HL)rlTlr<6'    *foR6iDDEft  Fruit" 


mew  \VlF£''^T^*-  ^'^"'^"''        f 


THL  S\V^S  AT  A   GLAMCL= 

57       0V9^      &UTCHEP-     ^joy  ' 


M.R.l>lMJ.-lt  '11 


A  study  In  Appeal 

Haughtily,  coldly,  she  regarded  him 
as  he  knelt  before  her.  "Jane"  he 
moaned,  "answer  me— why  won't  you 
marry  me?  What  have  I  done  to  dis- 
please  you?" 

Even  in  his  agony  of  disappoint- 
ment he  was  handsome.  His  shoes 
immaculate,  his  trousers  neatly 
pressed,  his  crepe  tie  in  a  perfect 
knot,  every  hair  in  place. 
How  could  she  spurn  him? 
"Jane"  he  repeated,  "you  must  mis- 
trust me.  I  will  confess  all.  Perhaps 
you  are  right  in  refusing  me.  Yes, 
I  have  been  in  prison  for  bigamy.  I 
did  forge  my  father's  name.  1  was 
the  instigator  of  that  robbery,  but  my 
past  is  buried — no  one  knows." 

He  stood  up  amazed.  Over  her  face 
stole  a  look   of   tenderest   affection. 

"John"  she  wept'  "I  am  yours.  Why 
didn't  you  tell  me  before?  A  man 
with  a  past!  Now  I  can  introduce 
you  to  my  friends." 

"Oh  mama,  come  here,  lookit  the 
catch  I've  made."  — A.  L.  S. 


The  Usual  Cynic 

(With   Apologies) 
She  was   standing  near  the   corner, 
Very  pretty,  no  one  nigh; 
She  was  not  averse  to  speaking. 
Not  averse,  and  so  was  I. 
So  we  stopped  there  for  a  moment 
Just   to  pass  the  time  of  day; 
So  I  met  her 
In  the  usual  way. 

When  I  took  her  home  that  evening. 
First  her  supper,  then  a  show, 
(She  had  her  manners  most  alluring) 
You  know  how  those  things  go. 
Yes,  the   step  was   in  the  shadow, 
Open  her  lips,  but  nought  to  say; 
So  I   left  her 
In  the  usual  way. 

When  I  saw  her  sometime  later 
At  some  dance  or  at  some  show, 
She  was  looking  just  as  sweetly 
At  some  other  handsome  beau. 
When  I  spoke  she  didn't  notice. 
There  was  nothing  I  could  say; 
She  had  dropped  me 
In  the  usual  way. 

[12] 


The  tiiiii.s  who  advertise  iu  the 
t<ircii  are  suppoi'tei's  <'f  student 
activities.  Let  us.  as  active  stu- 
dents, give  them  oiif  support  in 
turn.    They  merit  it. 

— ^ S 

Tlie  advertisements  iu  the  Sirrn 
are  worth  yotir  attention;  other 
wise  they  would  not  be  there.  The 
firms  represented  are  those  most 
worthy  of  your  patronage,  as  stu- 
dents, because  they  understand 
student  needs  and  co-operate  with 
student  activities. 


-S- 


Triolet 


A  maid   in   modern   skirt  went   by, 

I  turned   me  from  the  sight. 
Perhaps  you  think   me  over  shy — 
A    maid   in   modern   skirt   went   by — 
But   'cross   the   way    two    more    saw    I. 

With   knees  more   nearly   right. 
A  maid  in  modern  skirt  went  by, 
I  turned   me  from  the  sight. 

—P.    W.    L. 


JIR£N 


Philosophy  II 


As  a  contribution  to  thr  lit<  raturc  of  iivadimival 
relations,  thr  folloirimj  tiro  ditties  arr  offend  for 
i/our  diversion.  The  first,  irritten  by  a  pupil  to  his 
teacher  shows  on<  xide  of  the  case  The  second,  writ- 
ten in  return  by  the  tiacher.  Dr.  S.  P.  jAiniprecht,  to 
his  errant  pupil,  demonstrated  the  other  si'rfc.  In 
this  notable  controrrrsy,  the  pupil  hasti  i;s  t  >  crii 
"Capiri!" 

S 


Hypnosis 


O   Ph.   D. 

Your  Phibate  key 

Entrances  me. 

Its  face  displays 
The  solar  rays 
Of  golden  days. 

Hynosis  shakes 

My  mind.     It  makes 

Me    feel    like    snakes. 

You   lecture  there: 
Thin   is   your  hair; 
Earnest   you  air. 

Yet  dancingly 
Your   Phibate  key 
—  it  winks  at  me. 


/f's   getting   inc.' 


T.  P.  B. 


A  Counter  Thrust 


Oh,  T.  P.   B.. 

Your  flippancy   amuses  me. 

For  you  delight 

Ver.ses  to  write 

Within  my  sight. 

But  it  Is  true 

That  you  would  rue 

My  flunking  you. 

You  choose  my  class, 

But,  like  the  mass. 

Just  try  to  pass. 

If  only  you 

Some  work  would  do. 

And  some  review. 

Your   mark   I'll    raise 

And  you  I'll  praise 

One  of  these  days. 

If  you  display 

More  pep,  I  may 

Give  you  an  A. 

Then  you  can  be 

A  Ph.  D., 

And  wear  a  key. 

Oh,  T.  P.  B. 

S.  P.  L. 


My  Heart  Grows  Faint 

By  Paul  Nissley  Landis 

My  heart  grows  faint  when  I  behold 

The  wives  my  friends  have  married; 
I  knew  them,  too,  when  they  were  girls, 
With  silken  hose  and  clustering  curls, 
And  figures  easy  to  enfold — 

Thank  God  I  tarried  I 
My  friends  did  not — deluded  churls — 
And  when  I  see  them:  "There,"  I  sigh, 
"But  for  the  grace  of  God,  go  I." 


The  Kid  Says 


They  can  start  cleaniiifj  up  all  their  crime  waves 
but  garters  \rill  never  .*!tt»i)  their  hold-up  game. 

He  hoi)es  the  agitators  won't  drive  the  Japs  ont 
ret.   One's  got  his  laumlrv. 

T^'hen  a  man  s;iys  he  has  a  "pressing  engagement'" 
it's  time  to  question  what  he  really  means. 

Maybe  Darwin  could  ex])lain  this  lamblike  eml 
of  ilarch. 

After  hearing  a  violinist  he's  darn  glad  a  pianist 
doesn't  have  to  tune  his  instrument  before  each 
number. 

These  loud  voiced  lecturers  simply  ruin  a  fel- 
low's sleep. 

If  absence  makes  tlie  heart  grow  fonder,  there 
are  a  half-dozen  profs  just  crazy  aliimt  bini. 

A.L.S. 


[13] 


JSXN 

Hollow  Log  and  Hollow 
Reed 

With   me  it  has   been   ever   so 

Through  all  the  winter  time  I  go. 
Austre,  and  mindful  of  my  bool?, 
Deaf  to  sweet  music;  and  I  hrook 
No  by  play  of  white  arms.     Pierrette 
Beckons  in  vain,  the  jade.    While  yet 
The  elms  of  green  are  innocent 
I  keep  a  lonely  watch,  content. 

But  oh,  there  comes  an  April  night 
When  all  the  town  is  strangely  white, 
And  little  questing  winds  blow  by; 
And   when  that  night  is  on  me  I 
Do   shortly   fling  my   book  away. 
And  seek  Pierrette,  the  jade,  and  say, 
"My    child,    the    time    has    come    to 

play!" 
I  cannot  say  the   Springtime  may. 
Perforce,  when  lifts  the   winter  fog 
I  venture  from  my  hollow  log 
And   cut  a  hollow  reed   to  blow. 

With  me  it  has  been  ever  so. 


From  the  Anthology 
of  the  Boneyard 


A  Lament 


Caprice  in  B-Flat 

Blanche's  beloved.  Bertram,  beheld 
Beatrice. 

Blanche,  being  blonde,  bashfull, 
blushing,  became  babyish  beside 
Beatrice:  Beatrice  being  big  bold, 
brilliant  brunnette. 

Beatrice   beguiled    Bertram. 

Bertram  bewildered,  bewitched  be- 
devilled by  baneful  Beatrice  behaved 
badly,  becoming  Beatrice's  beau. 

Blanche    bore    banishment    bravely. 
Bertram   bought   baubles,   bedecking 
Beatrice    barbarically. 

Bertram  became  bankrupt,  beggar- 
ed. 

Beatrice   basely    betrayed    Bertram. 

Benevolent  being  befriended  Bert- 
ram. 

Bertram    besought    Blanche. 

Bertram    brought   Blanche    back. 

Blanche   bade   bygones   be   bygones. 

Betrothal. 

Bertram,    bridegroom. 

Blanche,  bride. 

Bridesmaids.     Bestman. 

Blossoms. 

Bishops.      Bell    Boisterousness. 

Banquet.     Ball.      Bridal    tour. 

Boundless    bliss. 

—    HELEN    HOTTINGER 


Look  at  me. 

I   had  a  bright  future. 

Everybody  said  so. 

In   high  school 

I  starred  in 

"Charlie's  Aunt" 

And  got  a  write-up  in 

The  College  Bugle. 

In  college  I   rose 

Rapidly.     Dad 

Sent  me   down  to  take 

Engineering,  so  I 

Colud   bear  the  torch   of 

The  family  fortunes 

Down  at  the  works. 

Well.  I   made  Mask  and  Bauble, 

And  Pierrot,  and 

Played  in  al  the  plays 

To  cordial  audiences 
Of  personal  friends. 

At  last, 

I    graduated — 

(Anyone  can   do  that 

If  he   sticks   at   it) 

And  went   home 

To  the  works 

Dad   asked   me 

"What  can   you   do?" 


So 

The  boneyard  got  me. 


(By  Olivia   riiaiiiberlain) 
Oh  Patrick  MaOee  was  my  lover 

dear; 
I  loved  him  all  night  and  all  day; 
But  Patrick  has  wandered   away 

from  here 
For  reas<ins  I  cannot  say. 
Boit  7(0000,  hoo  7(000.' 
^^'Iiat   shall   I   do 
To   get  me  another  date? 
Try  hard  as  I  can, 
I  cant  find  a  man — 
And  soon  it  will  be  too  late. 
Now  I  was  a  carefree  and  hap])y 

young  miss 
Wlie'u     Pat     used     to     hold      my 

lian<ls ; 
But    Time    pas.sing    by,    liad    to 

leave  me  like  this — 
And  Pat  roams  in  foreign  lands! 
Boo    hoooo,   1)00    hoo! 
Wliat  shall  I  do 

To  gladden  my  maidenly  heart? 
Jly  hair's  turning  gray, 
My  color  wout  stay. 
My  dresses  are  popping  apart. 
I  "look  at  myself  and  think  I  shall 

cry ; 
Oil,    Pat    would    not    cherish    me 

now  I 
But     1    will    reduce,    though    by 

starving  1  die — 
Mr.  Wallace  will  teach  me  how. 
T)(t-hilo,  tra-JooI 
That's  what  I  will  do; 
I'll  be  slender  and  young  again  I 
To  music  so  sweet, 
I'll  waggle  my  feet — 
And  tlicn  I  will  vamp  the  men. 


A  Poet  Scorned 

I  love  to  thing  of  birdth  and  flowereji. 

And   fith,   and   beeth,   and   theith. 

Oh  how  1  love  to  path  the  hourth. 

In    croonith    luUabith. 

I'd  like  to  live  in  old  Japan, 

Wear  blothums  in  my   hairth: 

Or  track  across  the  Northern  Stranth, 

The   wily  polar  hearth. 

But  when  I  read  my  little  rimth 

The   people   laugh,   and  witph 

The   tearth   away  at  timth. 

They  lie,  they  thay  I  lithph. 

—DON    ALLEN 


Read  the  advertisements  in  this 
issue  of  the  Hircn.  They  are  an 
important  part  of  the  Hiren's  ser- 
vice to  the  student  body.  Yoti 
will  lind  that  they  represent  only 
the    most    reliable    of    firms. 


[14] 


SIKEN 


1 

The  Ballad  of 

the  Six  Queens 

(By   C.  A 

'.   Kucha  nan) 

Of  (1scai'   Second   T   would   sins; 

The  king  has  staked  his  snickers- 

A ytMUhMiian  :  for  truly 

nee. 

He   reif-ned    as   Andalusia's    kinji. 

His  coal  with  silver  tassels 

And   ruled  tlie  oft  unruly. 

Against     Duke     Hassiui's    recipe 

For   home  brew — and  two   cas- 

A mighty  man.  for  it  is  said 

tles. 

He  used  to  boast  with  iileasnre 

Then  ou  the  green  they  lay  their 

There  was  no  ruler,  live  or  dead 

hands 

Who  ever  took  his  measure. 

rfaitli,   two   noble   portions. 

An      honest      man.      worth      lofty 

The    king    has    gas])ed    and    said. 

jii-aise 
This  hero  of  my  story 

".My  Lands!" 

The   Duke  has  had  contortious. 

\^'ho  covered  One-Eyed  Hassam's 

For    in    the    good    King    Oscar's 

raise 

haml 

And  eke  himself  with  j;lory. 

A    (|ueen    is    yestled;      •'Shoot 

her." 

It  is  fourteen  ninety-eight ; 

The    Duke    remai-ks,    for    in    his. 

The  King  and  Hass  play  poker. 

staml 

And    (»s    has    tille<l    a    blue-eyed 

Four  otluMs.  with  the  center. 

straight : 

Old  OueKye  has  the  joker. 

The  king  has  drawn  his  snickers- 

nee 

"Have   at    ye   man."    Os    eries   in 

The  Duke"s  one-eye  looks  wary 

glee. 

And    Os    has    spake,    ••How    can 

••With      these      IM      bhitf      in 

this  be? 

Hades!" 

Six  queens  ain't  customary." 

Duke  Hassam,   not  a   word   .savs 

he, 

"Since    Mister    Hoyle    wrote    his 

But    draws    four    |ucny    ladies. 

good   book 

Four  ladies.  ](lus  the  center 

Ami  now  a  mighty  smile  has  won 

Is    p;issable — but   six    would    Ifxik 

Across    his    one-eyed    features 

;\iore  neat,  if  one  were  neuter. 

"Ah:      Ha!"    he    cries.    King    Os, 

your'e  done 

••I  will  not  mention  any  names: 

"Egad    I   love   these   creatures." 

I'm  fair,  tluuigh  I  am  king. 

I    do    not    speak    f(U'    the    future 

"Done?    Hell,"  cries  Os,  '•you  bag 

games 

of   skins 

To  ward  what  lliev  might  bring 

I  stake  my  kingly  gavel 

■ 

That  of  the  two  mitts,   my   hand 

I  call  no  names,  that  isn't  done. 

wins. 

But  while  I  ]iass  this  by 

Put  u])  your  coin   or  ti-avel." 

If  it  occurs  again  someone 

M"\\]   lose  his  other  eye." 

Then    liack   ami    forth    across    the 

board 

An    hoi'i'st    man.    woith    mighty 

The  betting  goes;    I'nloathing 

jiraise. 

The    King    has    bet    his    treasure 

This  hero  of  my  story 

hoard 

AVIlo  covered   Oiu'-Eved    Hassim's 

,Vnd   HassiuTs  st.ikcil  his  clolli- 

raise 

ing. 

And.  I'kc  himself,  witli  glory. 

[15] 


SmEM 


The  Soup  and 
Fish  Review 

<s> 

By  Constance  Freeman  and 
C.  E.  Noyes 


I.     "Help   me  tie  this" — 
"Stop — damn    it — 
That's  my   neck — 
Wait   a   bit." 


Fourin-one.  and  not  nl 

(This'U  ruin  that  newi 

So  roll  on  to  your  doc 

"Please  be  careful  of  n 


III.     "You  might  as  well  sit  down  and  wait. 
The  fool  things  never  are  on  time; 
You  know  your  girl  is  always  late 
But  the  way  these  cabs  are — it's  a  crime. 


[16] 


HREN 


li  room 
ess) 

dress!" 


VII.     Fine  idea,  this  three-day  date; 

Tea-dance.  Bradley's,   Sunday  dinner. 

Everything  is  simply  great, 

Except  your  pocketbook  grows  thinner 


course  you  had  to  drop  the  spoon, 
ill  your  glass  and  tip  the  plate: 

11,  this  will  he  over  soon ; 
Is  my  tie  on  straight?") 


VI.       Decorations  iiiitjlilii  fiiir 
Ain't  the  music  tii<-iiii 
Liniher  up  your  newest  line; 
Boy,  this  dance  is  keen! 


VIII.  Monday  mornir 
Feeling  blue; 
Professor's  warning. 
Nothing  new. 


IX.     LORDI     What  a  headachel 


[17] 


SW£M 


FEET 


All  poets  loves  tuli  rant  an  rave  about  them  witc'ain  eyes,  the  wich  they  offen  no  doubt  sees  wen, 
after  hot  mince  pies,  they  twists  an  turns  does  fancy  squirms  a-lyin  ther  In  bed  an  wishin  that  they 
hadn't  et  an  got  that  awful  head,  'Tis  then  fair  faces  comes  tuh  them  with  beauteous  silky  hair,  with 
chisel  teeth  arrayed  in  rows  like  bricks  in  the  courthouse  square.  An  wen  the  mist  of  pie  has  cleared  an 
early  morn  breaks  in,  them  poets  tries  tuh  tell  tuh  us  jest  what  they  thought  she  been.  They  pictures 
her  a  angel  what  come  down  tuh  earth  that  day,  an  tries  tuh  tell  us  that  her  hair,  'n'  eyes  DO  point 
that  way.  They  howls  about  her  graceful  arms  an  air  demure  an  sweet,  but  never  once  does  they  bring 
in  a  thing  about  her  feet.  , 

Now  I  sure  ain't  no  poet,  'tall,  an  that's  as  plain's  can  be.  I  only  talks  an  thinks  about  them  things 
as  I  can  see.  I  falls  ter  purty  faces  like  most  eny  human  guy.  an  there's  people  that  has  made  me  laugh 
an  there's  them  as  made  me  sigh.  I've  seed  a  lot  of  humans  an  I've  learned  sum  types  tuh  judge;  I  can 
tell  a  prosp'rous  banker  from  a  common  kitchen  drudge.  But  I  bases  my  ^opinions  of  the  people  that  I 
meet  an  size  them  up  an  index  them  by  lookin  at  their  feet. 

Did  you  ever  start  a-thinkin  bout  the  many  kinds  of  feet  as  you  sees  is  worn  by  people  wich  you  sees 
upon  the  street?  Did  you  ever  try  tuh  analyze  er  gage  a  person's  talk  by  the  kind  of  feet  an  shoes  he 
sports  wen  goin  fer  a  walk?  You  can  tell  a  person's  character  nine  chances  out  of  ten.  A  gal  may  be  a 
baby  doll  er  jest  a  dried  old  hen.  You  do  not  need  tuh  bother,  boy,  tuh  look  into  her  face — jes  glance 
down  an  her  feet  will  show  if  you  should  stay  in  ths  race.  If  you  air  follered  latp  at  night  wile  on  yer 
way  tuh  home,  glance  back  tuh  ascertain  jest  how  his  pedal  parts  do  roam.  For  if  they  flops  aroun  too 
much,  yer  sure  he's  drained  the  jug;  but  if  they're  firm  an  stealthy-like,  you  run,  the  guy's  a  thug.  The 
other  day  I  took  a  walk  an  met  up  with  a  simp  a-strollin  long  so  peaceful  like  but  with  a  funny  limp. 
His  right  foot  dragged  a  little  bit  like  pullin  at  a  weight,  so  I  allowed  he's  from  the  pen,  the  hair  shaved 
off  his  pate.  Supposin  wen  yer  walkin  out  yuh  hears  a  measured  tread,  like  a  prehistoric  monster  that's 
a-stampin  out  a  bed.  That  slap-slap  keeps  a-comin  on  till  it  reaches,  passes  you.  Don't  look  up,  man;  a 
nickel  star  shines  on  a  coat  of  blue.  The  digger  of  the  ditches  has  his  brogans  clogged  with  dirt;  those 
high  heeled  boots  were  drawn  on  by  a  hand  that  w'elds  a  quirt;  the  signboard  poster's  feet  are  splashed 
with  flaky,  dried  up  paste;  the  lumberjack  sports  heavy  boots  that  reach  nigh  to  his  waist.  The  black 
man  from  the  levee  has  heels  that  reach  behind;  upon  the  flapper's  graceful  limbs  laced  sandals  you  will 
flnd;  the  plainsman  from  the  alkali,  the  farmer  from  the  fields,  may  each  be  recognized  in  turn  by  the 
kind  of  feet  he  wields.  So  I  might  keep  a-goin  on  like  this  from  day  tuh  night.  I'll  be  much  satisfied 
if  I  have  shown  just  how  I'm  right.  Enough  I've  said  I  do  believe  tuh  show  it's  just  an  meet  that  we 
should  not  ignore  them,  bus  jest  hand  it  to  their  feet.  — H.  R.  Mathias. 


[18] 


snscM 


#    Plays  -  Books  -  Music    % 


Editir'x  .Yo/<  ;  77i/.v  /wr/c.  roii- 
(luittd  1)1/  ().  I),  liiin/c,  editor  of 
ihc  niinois  .V(t</<i.:'ni<\  ix  derated 

ill  the  dinkt  r  side  (if  the  Sereii 
Art.s. 

The  Mask  and  Bauble 
Aviary 

A  moon  or  so  ago — I  have  forgotten 
the  exact  date— Mask  and  Bauble  made 
a  serious  attempt  at  the  "drama." 
The  vehicle  was  John  Galsworthy's 
'Pigeon."  The  idea  of  getting  away 
from  the  usual  time-worn  Broadway 
success,  of  which  we  have  had  far  too 
many,  was  a  highly  commendable  one. 
Things  did  not  work  out  as  they  were 
expected  to,  unfortunately,  and  the 
venture  was  a  financial  failure. 

Of  course  there  were  reasons  for  the 
debacle,  but  there  is  no  need  to  dwell 
upon  that.  Bad  acting  had  a  lot  to  do 
with  it.  but  I  refuse  to  mention  names. 
Everybody  did  the  best  he  could, 
which  was  very  good,  but  the  perform- 
ance was  no  better  therefor. 

There  were  several  commendable 
features  in  the  production,  the  most 
important  of  which  was  the  setting.  I 
do  not  know  to  whom  the  conception 
of  the  thing  is  due,  but  it  was  a  good 
job.  The  lighting  of  the  first  part  of 
the  first  act  was  a  wonder  rarely  seen 
here  in  the  provinces.  It  nothing  else, 
the  play  was  a  distinct  contribution  to 
college  stagecraft. 

One  especial  annoyance  was  the  lack 
lieu  of  any  oher  eutre  acte,  the  pub- 
lic has  become  attached  to  the  mer- 
chandising articles  that  fill  out  almost 
every  play  bill  nowadays.  Still,  the 
sheet  is  something  of  a  change  from 
the  one  page,  badly  printed  affair  that 
they  gave  out  at  the  Duke  of  York's  a 
century  or  so  ago.  I  did  not  save  any 
of  mine,  but  I  remember  them  that 
plainly. 

Another  thing  that  struck  my  ear 
was  that  the  tonal  qualities  of  the 
chimes,  which  are  customarily  struck 
for  Mask  and  Bauble  shows  before  the 
curtain  is  rung  up,  were  decidedly  in- 
ferior to  those  of  last  fall.  Musical 
entertainment  is  degenerating  in 
these  two  towns. 


But  what  I  started  out  to  say  was 
that  the  play  was  more  poorly  cast 
than  the  usual  Mask  and  Bauble  play, 
and  that  the  play  in  itself  was  far  too 
good  for  this  vaudeville  and  movie- 
fed  community. 

S 

That  Krazy  Cat    - 

In  these  days  of  literati  and  things 
it  is  with  a  sober  second  thought  that 
one  mentions  things  of  dubious  cul- 
tural value.  Among  such  things  are 
the  comic  strips  of  our  dailies.  Jos- 
eph Penncl  agrees  with  me  that  most 
of  them  are  not  worth  the  well-known 
cont internal.  But  he  doesn't  agree 
with  me  that  there  is  one  that  is 
worth  the  merit  of  everyone's  perusal 
— Krazy  Kat.  This  sagely  foolish 
comic  is  probably  read  by  everyone 
but  the  learned.  And  these  learned 
gentlemen  are  the  ones  who  would 
most  profit  by  following  the  adven- 
tures of  Ignatz,  Krazy,  and  the  brick. 
The  man  who  begets  this  trio  is  a 
philosopher  and  a  scholar.  His  wis- 
dom is  wonderous  in  its  curves  and 
deviations,  and  his  nonsense  beyond 
belief.  As  someone  has  said,  Krazy 
is  indeed  an  insult  to  the  intelligence 
— but  he  is  funny.  Another  funny 
thing  about  Krazy  is  that  he  has  been 
honored  by  one  of  the  foremost 
American  composers.  He  has  been 
made  the  hero  of  a  ballet-pantomine 
by  John  Alden  Carpenter,  in  a  work 
rated  perfect  in  niiud  of  no  less  a 
person  than  the  rebellious  Geo.  Jean 
Nathan.  And  Adolph  Bolm  took  the 
role  in  performance. 


Dementia  Juvenila 

It  is  curious  and  informative  to 
glance  through  the  latest  copies  of 
our  modern,  more  restless,  journals 
of  opinion,  as  they  style  themselves. 
They  are  all  products  of  the  young 
and  brilliant  men,  as  our  present 
definition  of  brilliancy  goes.  There- 
in the  gilded  youth  impudently  pokes 
its  literary  tongue  at  the  Puritans 
(what  they  are  I  know  not)'  and 
writes  and  thinks  about  whatever  it 
pleases  in  a  startling  and  often  irri- 
tating monner.  Musical  humorists, 
Russian  vaudeville,  the  newest  neck- 
ties, polo,  soap  statuettes,  motor  tire?. 
Dada.   the    Grand    Guigiiol.    and    what- 

[19] 


not  are  their  field,  and  they  even 
buirlesque  the  sacrosanct  fraternity 
convention  in  a  neat  way  that  they 
have.  All  of  which  is  done  with  the 
zest  and  intensity  of  a  child  taking 
a  fly  to  pieces.     Moral: — ■ 


R.  L.  S. 


There  are  all  sorts  of  worshippers, 
and  it  is  meet  that  it  be  so,  whatever 
their  cults.  Among  the  latest  to  be- 
come known  is  that  excellent  wit, 
Christopher  Morley.  He  smokes  a 
pipe.  But  for  that  matter  so  do  many 
literary  gents.  However,  that  is  not 
the  point.  In  his  briar  censor  Chris 
burns  much  daily  incense  to  the 
shades  of  the  greatest  R.  L.  S.  For 
his  from  of  hero  worship  is  to  smoke 
the  tobacco  that  his  saint  smoked. 
Greater  love  hath  no  man,  for  it 
might  be  villainous  stuff.  Still  it 
couldn't  be  if  he  smoked  it.  I  must 
write   Chris  for  the  brand. 


God  Save  The  Irish 

There  comes  the  news  that  James 
Joyce  is  soon  to  present  his  "Ulys- 
ses" to  the  world  in  a  private  edition 
from  a  French  press..  Something 
telis  me  that  the  more  private  it  is 
the  better,  but  that  is  beside  the 
pcint.  "Ulysses"  is  the  novel,  as  you 
well  know,  which  but  recently  caused 
the  Little  Review  to  become  dog- 
eared in  the  seminar,  and  to  be  sus- 
pended by  the  government.  Concern- 
ing its  latest  adventures  I  quote  the 
Dublin  correspondent  to  the  London 
Mercury:  "'With  "Ulysses"'  says  a 
writer  In  the  "Nouvelle  Revue  Fran- 
saise,"  "Ireland  re-enters  high  Eur- 
opean literature.'  Ireland  is  gratified 
to  hear  it  and  yet  a  little  nervous 
— "  For  Joyce  is  a  catholic  Irishman, 
and  he  has  not  always  Been  as  rever- 
ent to  certain  things  dear  to  at  least 
some  of  the  Irish  hearts  as  he  might 
have  been.    And  his  manner,  my  dear. 


bis 


manner! 


Nervous — there     are 


strong  indications  of  future  hysteria. 
Remember  the  lovely  little  family  riot 
that  they  had  when  Synge  gave  them 
his  "Playboy."  And  the  writer  goes 
on  to  say  that  Joyce's  "Portrait  of 
the  Artist  as  a  young  man,"  which 
caused  a  few  bubbles  in  the  pool,  is 
(Contiiiuoil   on   Page  24) 


HREN 


K.O.! 


Useless  Knowledge 


©  Vanity  Fair 

(That's   what   all   who've  tried 
it     say     to     this     proposition.) 

\\l  E  want  a  man  to  lead  a  new 
^   college  team  this  summer. 

It's  a  game  at  which  you  can  make 
real  money  without  losing  your 
amateur  status. 

We  want  a  man  who  can  organize 
a  group  of  four  or  five  salesmen  to 
sell  subscriptions  to  the  Nast  Pub- 
lications—  Vogue,  Vanity  Fair, 
House  &  Garden,  Costume  Royal 
and  Children's  Royal. 

The  man  on  the  team  makes  50% 
on  all  the  subscriptions  he  books. 
Five  orders  a  day  for  Vogue  for  six 
days  give  him  $75.  The  other  mag- 
azines pay  in  proportion.  And  for 
tlie  captain  we  have  a  special  ad- 
ditional offer. 

THIS  isn't  the  ordinary  magazine  rep- 
resentation scheme.  It's  as  dilTerent 
from  the  usual  college  commission  propo- 
sition as  the  Nast  Magazines  are  differ- 
ent from  other  magazines. 

The  man  we  want  will  he  working  in 
direct  contact  with  our  Sales  Manager. 
It's  a  great  openfng  for  anyone  who 
wishes  to  get  into  the  magazine  business 
on  graduation. 

Remember,  these  are  magazines  which 
a  college  man  will  like  to  sell.  They  sell 
to  people  that  a  college  man  likes  to  meet. 

Can  you  organize?  Could  yon  coach  a 
team  of  four  or  five  salesmen,  and  carry 
them  through  a  successful  season?  If 
you  think  you're  as  good  as  the  kind  of 
man  we  want,  write  to 

The  Sales  Manager 

THE   NAST  PUBLICATIONS 


!9  West  44th  St. 


New  York  City 


N.  B.  The  Business  Manager  of  this  paper 
told  us  this  advertisement  would  produce 
results.  Well,  here  we  are — Ijut  Joplin  is 
our  home  town,  right  on  the  western 
horder  of  JMissouri. 


(Continued  from  Page  10) 
First  Love  Attair",  and  "Advice  to  Tiie   Lovelorn." 
I  find  that  tlie  latter  has  l)een  of  no  real  value  to  me. 

It  so  happens  that  liy  reason  of  my  precocity, 
I  was  .sent  to  college  to  uctiuire  wisdom  to  atone  for 
my  lack  of  beauty.  For  a  month  1  had  been  tongue- 
tied  ill  a  history  class  in  which  the  professor  made 
daily  a  fresh  occasion  of  our  ignorance  on  any  sub- 
ject concerning  home,  school  or  state.  One  day  he 
broke  into  a  lesson  witli  a  sneering  tpiestion  on  some 
of  the  recent  archaeologican  investigations  that  had 
takeu  place  in  some  ancient  town,  accounts  of  which 
had  appeared  in  the  papers. 

I  slowly  forced  my  liand  into  tlie  air  and  deliv- 
ered a  review  of  a  long  article  that  I  had  read 
not  so  mauy  moons  before.  The  class  was  open- 
mouthed  and  the  professor  was  pop-eyed  with  won- 
der. He  had  not  seen  me  hanging  over  the  dishpan 
helping  my  sister  with  the  dishes  and  reading  the 
account  of  the  recent  investigations  tliat  had  taken 
place  on  the  Isle  of  Crete. 

Equally  startled  was  a  botany  instructor  when 
I  gave  some  expert  information  on  the  variations 
in  color  of  the  orchid  which  I  had  gleaned  from  my 
bni'eau  cover.  In  a  literature  class  with  the  facts 
gathered  from  the  cellar  wall  where  the  coal  man 
might  put  his  hand  I  delivered  an  address  on  the 
Pre-Kaphaelite  movement,  as  sliown  in  the  works  of 
Kossetti  and  recapitulated  in  the  Ashton  Gazette. 

I  believe  that  the  climax  in  my  luanifestations 
came  when  I  saved  an  awfnl  dinner  table  by  con- 
versing with  a  reformed  missionary  on  the  tribal 
ceremonies  of  some  inner  African  races.  He  won- 
dered while  he  listened  to  me.  I  had  not  spent  sev- 
eral meals  at  the  table  for  nothing  where  mother 
had  placed  the  Northwestern  Christian  Advocate 
under  my  plate  in  order  that  I  would  not  by  my 
usual  carelessness  soil  the  cleau  tablecloth  under- 
neath. 

There  are,  however,  days  when  I  feel  that  I  will 
never  have  any  use  for  the  facts  whicli  1  gleaned 
fi'oiii  the  pai)er  on  the  scratchable  back  of  my  ma- 
hogany ciiair  on,  "How  To  IMan  a  Trouseau",  or 
"What  a  Haby  Xeeds." 

S 

Flap — You  look  awfully  good  in  th::t  siiaiistiot. 

Purr — I  ought  to.     Top  was  looking  right  at  me 
when  it  was  taken.                                — ('hiijipnnil. 
S 

When  the  advertiseent  of  a  Twin  City  merchant 
ai)pears  in  the  Sirrn,  it  means  that  the  merchant  is 
ill  touch  with  student  affairs  and  student  needs. 
His  advertisement  is  more  than  an  advertisement. 
It  is  a  ])ledge  of  faitli,  and  an  oiler  of  service. 


[20] 


HREN 


At  eve,  the  lOlIc  has  dniiik  liis  till 
>>i'iii' yoiKh'i-  raiiihliuj;  iinMiiitaiii  rill 
Till'  while  liiMicalh  the  s(iiillici-ii  iiiniit 
The  starry  hunter  his  skill  stalks 
All!  would  that  I  coiilil  drink  my  lill. 
Ah  :  would  that  I  cnuid  see  the  sliU. 
Er.    ilooiishiiie.  that  is,  iiiooidifiht 
Shine,  on  that  Kentucky  hill. 

_<;.  V.  B. 

S 


Rime  of  the  Ancient  Professor 

It  was  an  Ancient  Professor, 

And  he  stopjietli  one  of  three. 

By  thy  long  beard  and  glittering  eye, 

Now  wheiefore  stoi)p'st  me? 

For  IJiadley's  doors  are  open  wide 
And  1  must  in  to  dance! 
The  Prof,  put  down  his  skinny  hand. 
Bnt  holds  him  with  a  glance. 

'My  boy",  quoth  he,  in  accents  wild, 
'Let  be  this  merry  din. 
And  hie  you  to  your  study  room. 
There  lock  yourself   within". 

'Beware,  beware",  the  grey  one  called, 
'And  hark  to  me,  oh  liark. 
Or  soon  from  school  you'll  be  discharged 
By  Thomas  Arkle  Clark'. 

The  lad  with  laugh  upon  his  face. 
Did  pass  the  Old  One  liy. 
To  trip  his  toes  fantastically 
Till  midnight's  chimes  were  nigh. 

The  youth  he  gave  a  funny  laugh, 
'What  cai-e  I  for  ycnir  mark. 
This  morn  did  I  receive  the  bounce 
From  Thomas  Arkle  Clark! 

—A.  L.  S. 

S— 


Too  Over 

Waiter:  "Isn't  your  egg  cook- 
ed long  enough,  sir'/"' 

Customer:  "Yes,  but  uot  soon 
enough."  — Buiitcr. 


When  you  go  to  the  ice  box 
for  one  last  bite  at  bedtime  .  .  . 
— and  find  one  piece  of  cran- 
berry pie,  that's  a  real  lucky 
strike ! 


LUCKY  STRIKE.' 


/ 


The  discovery  of  toasted  tobacco 
was  a  lucky  strike  for  us. 

If  you  will  buy  a  package  of  Lucky 
Strike  cigarettes  yourself  you  will  see 
why  millions  now  prefer  the  toasted 
flavor.* 

It's  Toasted 

irDo  this  today  and  notice  the  delicious   toasted 
BurJey  when  you  try  Lucky  Strike. 


Guaranteed  by 


I  N  C  O  R  POR^TEO 


[21] 


HREN 


A  Large  Stock 
of 

BRIEF 

CASES 

Selling  at  Reduced   Prices 

At  YOUR  Store 


Engineers'  Co-op 
Society 

J.  R.  Lindley,   Manager 
Boneyard  and  Mathews 

URBANA,  ILL. 


"Just  For  You" 

There's  a  thrill 

In  the  trill 

Of  her  sweet  little  \uii'e; 

There's  n  bliss 

111  the  kiss 

She  bestows : 

There's  delijiht 

In  the  sight 

Of  her  beautiful  faee. 

There's  a  joy 

111  each  coy 

Little  pose. 

All  of  these 

Just  to  please 

Only  you,  so  she  says. 

Just  for  you 

It  is  true 

She  exists ; 

Aiii't  it  hell 

To  hear  tell 

Of  some  other  admired. 

AVho  is  lamped 

And  well  vamped       ' 

By  this  miss' 

—A.  L.  S. 


I 
I 
1 


The  Coffee 

that  made  "Sam" 

famous 


Whistle 
Inn 


TRY  OUR 

AFTER  LIBRARY 

LUNCHES 


I 


Acro.ss  from  the 
Chem  Building 


STYLED 

FOR. 

YOVKG  MEK 


NOURISHING,   STRENGTHENING 

DURING  ACTIVE  SCHOOL 

MONTHS 


FEATURE  SOFT  HAT 

--a  smart  young  man's 
Stetson  with  a  medium 
flare,and  binding- Lined 
attractively  in  various 
shades  of  satin. 


STETSON  HATS 

JOHN  B.  STETSON  COMPANY,  Philadelphia 


y  Horlicks ^ar^  Mahed/yl^  Milk 


I  The  Original 

1 

I  Relieves  the  fatigue  of  study  and  exercise. 

1  Delicious,  concentrated  nutrition  that 

1  strengthens,    refreshes    and     invigorates. 

1  Satisfying    and    economical    as    a    daily 

1  luncheon.   Keep  a  jar  in  powder  or  lunch 

1  tablet  form  in  your  room. 
1 

I  AVOID  IMITATIONS 

1 

]  Write  for  sample  and  for  booklet   on 

?  its  many  advantages  for  the  student 

I  and  athlete. 

J  HORLIClt'S,  Racine,  Wis. 

I  . 


[22] 


JI6£N 


-+ 


SPECIFY 
on    your    party   order 

Berryman's 

Purity 

Bakery  Goods 


And    you'll  be   pleased,   both   as 
to  quality  and  service. 


♦ 


Berryman  Bakery 

213  S.  Neil 
ON  THE  WAY  TO  TOWN 


Provincialism 


4 


Why  is  it  that  it  takes  from  fifteen 
to  twenty  years  for  the  average  good 
European  play  to  reach  the  boards 
in  this  country?  One  play  that  I  have 
in  mind  appeared  in  Paris  in  1900. 
but  was  not  presented  in  this  country 
until  1907,  although  it  was  very  suc- 
cessful in  its  native  land.  And  an- 
other written  in  1905,  if  my  memory 
serves  me  right,  has  just  reached  the 
American  stage.  It  is  Bernstein's 
•"Claw."  and  is,  so  I  understand,  to 
be  presented  in  Champaign  before 
very  long.  And  so  it  goes  through 
the  list.  The  few  contemporary  plays 
represented  are,  in  the  main,  rather 
cheap  stuff.  They  do  not  get  very 
far.  There  are  some  eight  or  ten 
now  playing  in  various  parts  of  the 
country,  but  have  been,  with  very  few 
exceptions,  poorly  re;eived  by  the 
critics.  Tal<e  that  as  you  may,  it 
means,  nevertheless,  very  little  for 
our   theatrical   enterprise. 

S 

••If  I  had  known  lliat  tunnel 
was  so  lonj;.  I  woiild  have  kissed 
yon." 

••(lood  Heavens,  wasn't  tliat 
vou'^""  — Voo  Doo. 


The 
Difference 

IJetween  good  I'rinlinj; 
and  bad  I'l-intiiig  is  a 
matter  of  only  a  few  dol- 
lars in  its  niaunfacture; 
but  in  its  comparative  re- 
sults there  is  an  inestim- 
able diCFerence  in  vahie. 


stationery.  Dance  Pro- 
grams, Tickets  and  all 
kinds  of  Commercial 
Printing. 


Desks,  Chairs  and  Fil- 
ing Cabinets,  Office  out- 
fits. 


Pease  Print  Shop 

22  Main  St.  Garfield  2246 

CHAMPAIGN 


MOOREHEAD  FURNITURE  COMPANY 

Ne:i  and  University  Avenue  CHAMPAIGN,   ILL. 


We  Are  Especially  Well 

Equipped  in  Our  Rug 

Department 


E\i;m  rilIN<l  in  llcme  Furnish- 
ings. A  most  complete  line  of 
Ftn-nitnre.  for  every  room  or  use  in 
the  home. 

Featuring     all      requirements      for 
'"lulls,  I'ralernit v.  and  Soi-oritv  houses. 


— + 


123] 


SIREN 


4.._„_„_,„_„_.._„._. .. — + 

McEVILLY 
-^  BROWN 

Shoe  Repairing 

Cleaning  and 
Pressing 


We  carry 

a  full  line  of  polishes 

and  laces. 


ORPHEUM  BinLDlNG  and 
403  EAST  GREEN 

+ „ 4. 

V"  ^~""  ^~  ""  "~"  ""  ^~""  ^~  ""  ^~ '"'  ^—11"  ^—  ""  ^—  ■III  ■^—•111  ^—  'IH  ^—  Itii  — . 


Plays,  Books  and  Music 

(Continued  from  Page  19) 

a  modest  violet  as  compared  with 
"Ulysess."  But  what  I  had  started 
to  say  was  that  Cabell  is  many  times 
the  artist  that  Joyce  is.  He  is  at  least 
de;_ent  in  his  more  pornographic 
moments. 


Books 

What  puzzles  me.  and  for  that 
matter,  many  another,  is  why  books 
cost  so  confounded  much  in  this 
country.  Not  so  long  I  ordered  the 
works  of  Dante  (this  is  not  boasting) 
from  an  Italian  publisher,  which  will 
cost  me  at  present  rates  of  exchange 
about  a  dollar  and  a  half.  Even  with 
exchange  at  par  the  edition  would 
cost  little  more  than  five  dollars — for 
one  thousand  pages  of  India  paper, 
with  engravings  and  facimiles,  and  an 
excellent  binding,  for  the  continent. 
Where  is  the  publisher  in  this  country 
that  would  even  listen  to  such  an 
idea,  let  aloue  carry  it  through?  And 
at  such  a  price?  And  in  France  they 
are  publishing  books  for  five  francs 
that  would  cost  five  dollars  in  this 
country.    Can  someone  explain  it? 


I 
1 


s'TTT'T 

1 

1 

^^■fv-.i 

IS 

m 

Your  Account 

Will  Be  Welcome 

At  This  Bank 


No  red  tape  and  no  charges 

for  opening  an  account 

with  us 


First  State  Bank 


URBANA 


RAY  L.  BOWMAN 

JEWELRY  CO. 

Hamilton  Building,   Champaign 


Expert, Watch  and  Jeweliy  re- 
pairing, under  supervision  of 
competent  workmen.  Veiy  latest 
stationery  with  colored  import- 
ed hnings.  For  unusual  gifts, 
see  us.     Prices  moderate. 


.4. 

i 
I 
I 


I 


I    I 


I  I 
I  I 
1  I 
I  I 
1  1 
I  I 
I  I 
I  I 
1    1 

!  I 
I     I 


Would  you  > 


? 


If  your  watch  needed  repairing, 
would  you  take  it  to  a  Black- 
smith? 

Then  why  have  your  Plumbing 
or  Heating  repaired  by  some  one 
who  is  incompetent? 


WE    HAVE     ONLY 
SKILLED  MECHANICS 


I 


TRY  US 


MISS  RAY  L.  BOWMAN 

Manager 


I 
I 
I 
I 


I 


JOHNSON  BROS. 

Sanitary   and   Heating   Engineers 

402  N.  Neil  St. 

CHAMPAIGN,  ILLINOIS 

Both  Phones 


[2-1] 


HREN 


piTFORM 

TWEED  Suits  for  College  Men 

$25    $27.50    $35    $40    $45 

The  veiy  smartest,  spring  fashion  ideas  in  tweed  suits  including  the 
distinctive  Donegal  tweeds.  The  coats  have  large  pockets,  belted  and 
pleated  backs,  leather  buttons  on  many  of  the  models.  The  fit  and  the  cut 
and  the  tailoring  is  of  the  highest  type  and  these  attractive  low  prices  will 
appeal  to  every  man. 

You  may  get  knickers  for  many  of  these  suits  if  you  wish. 


W.L 


ewis 


CHAMPAIGN 


BC 


0. 


[2r,| 


HREN 


It  Costs  No  More  to  Buy  a  Kelly 


I 


I 

I 
I 

f 
I 

*"• 

I 
I 

i 

I 


Not  cnly  is  tl.c  I'.aal-.jl.p  Cord  sura-footed 
when  it  is  new,  but  becaUFe  the  tread  is 
built  up  straght  instead  of  fallowing  the 
contour  of  the  tire,  it  wears  down  evenly 
and  retains  its  non-skid  qualities  till  the  end. 

CHURCHILL,  BENGSTON  &  MILLER 

URBANA,  ILL. 


Hot  and  Cold 
Ice  Cream 


Eat  ice  cream  in  tlie  sinmiier  because 
it  is  frozen,  and  will,  in  melting,  elim- 
inate a  certain  amount  of  your  excess 
heat.  Eat  it  in  the  winter  because  the 
liutter-fat,  eggs,  and  sugar  in  ice  cream 
are  all  efficient  heat-producers. 

Only  be  sure  that  the  cream  you  get 
is  ours.  Then  you  can  be  sure  that  it 
not  only  will  have  the  flavor  that  has 
made  it  the  favorite,  but  you  will  have 
the  assurance  that  the  ingredients  will 
be  of  the  highest  .standard  of  quality 
and  purity.  It  pays  to  insist  on  our  ice 
cream. 


Phones: 
Garfield   2107 
Main  175 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

111-115  E.  University  Street 


Mandy — "Rastus.  you-all  reminds  me  of  one  of 
dere  flyin'  machines." 

Rastus — "  "Cause  I'se  a  high-flyer,  JIandy'" 
Mandy — "No,    "cause    you    ain't    no    good    on 
earth  I"  — Tiger. 

S 

"^^'hen   I   mairled  you   I   t'.iyr.ght  you  were  an 
angel." 

"So  that's  wliy  yon  never  buy  me  any  clothes." 

— H}iv  Dial. 
S 


A  Girl  I  Wculd  Like  to  Meet 

One  will)  hasn't  read  "The  Sheik."" 

Who  doesn't  ask  if  sjie  is  the  first  girl  you  have 
ever  ki.ssed. 

Who  doesn't  meet  you  at  the  door  witli  her  hat 
on. 

Who  hasn't  heard  my  jokes.  , 

Who  doesn't  smoke  "all  my  cigarettes. 

Who  can  talk  about  somefjiing  l)esides  the  men 
she  knows  and  tiie  "helluva"  time  they  show  her. 

Who  doesn't  think  she  is  a  "big  timer."" 

Who  wears  enough  clothes  to  leave  something 
to  the  imagination. 

Who  doesn'f  know  everybody  in  the  University. 

She  could  have  my  heart  and  fraternity  pin. 

— Punch  Bowl. 

+ „ , ._,.,_. „_. . — 4. 


THE  APOLLO 

CONFECTIONERY 

Home  of  High  Grade  Candies 

and   Delicious 

Drinks 


Try  one  of  our  famous  Fresh 

lime  freezes  or  Fresh 

Strawberry  Sundae 


THE   APOLLO  CONFECTIONERY 
Moryios   Bros,.    Vrhaiid,   111. 


[26] 


.. — + 


HREN 


Collegiate  Questions 

.M.  1.  T. — "Wluit  were  your  marks  l:ist  year''" 
Jlaivard — •'\\'lia(   is  your  social  staiidiiij;?" 
"Williams — ••\\'liat  malvo  is  yoiu-  car?" 
N.  Y.  U." -"\A'liat  is  your  iTlijjion?" 
Yale — "How  much  can  you  hold?" 
Princeton — "\\'hat  show  is  she  in?" 
Syracuse — "How  much  arc  llicy  paying;  you?" 
Springfield — "How    lout;    have    yon    lieen    mar- 
ried?"' 

Cornell — "l>o  yon  l'a\-or  co cilncal  ion  ?" 

Union — "Have    you    had    any    electrical    exjier- 

ience'"  —-R'lijal  (laboaii. 

S 

Alisent  ilindei!   I'rot. :     "Is  there  anyone  umler 

that  lied?" 

l'"sca|)e(l  Convict,  Hidinj;:     "Xot  a  soul." 

A.  Jl.  I'rof. :  "Thai's  funny — 1  could  ha\e  sworn 

that  1  heard  sci-e'^dy."  —!inni  I'ol. 

S 

"Isn't    this   just    the   dearest    placel"   cried    the 

sweet  youufi  tliinj;  as  she  placed   liersel!  delisilitedly 

at  a  table  in  the  Costly  Pleasure  Hotel. 

"How     tiu(>I"     murmured     her    stalwart     com- 

l>anion.  — Too  Doa. 

S 

Uneasy  lies  the  head  thai  has  been  crowned. 


Service 
with  a  smile 
Where 
you  will  find 
Quality 


TWIN  CITY  CAFES 

"Wc  Nei^rr  Close" 
621  E.  Green  St.  309  N.  Neil  St. 


Golf! 


All  Styles  of  Clubs 


10  Varieties  of  Balls 


«> 


We  Lead  in  Every  Line  We  Carry 

Knowlton  &  Bennett 

Urbana 


Cafeteria 

610  East  Green  St. 


Popular  Prices 


[27] 


HEOEN 


Coiitdit   coiitcii   witk  (■tcctri- 
(Uy. — Electric  Al. 


WHEN     you     purchase     an 
electric  Lamp  buy  it  at  a 
shop   where  you  will   fiiifl 
service  when  you  need  it. 

We  are  famous  for  our  elec- 
trical dependability.  You  will  al- 
ways find  good  selections  to 
choose  from  and  all  attractively 
priced. 


First  Servant:    "How  did  your 
one  eyebrow  wear  out'" 

Second  Servant :    "Well,  you  see 
at  onr  place  they  have  rough  door- 
knobs."                                —/>.'/'■'■• 
S 

"Are    yon    taking'    Madeline    to 
11i(>  i)roiii  this  year?" 

"No.  slie  wanis  to  dance  all  the 
lime."  —Voo  Dno. 

S 


Dumb:  "I  saw  a  negro  funeral 
today  and  behind  the  hearse  walk- 
ed a  number  of  iiKmrners  with 
])ails." 

liell:    "Why  tlie  pails?" 
1  )uHd( :    "Going  blackburying." 
— Brorslchi. 


Let  Your  Kodak 
Tell  the  Story 


Take  home  a  well  Uept 
Photo  or  Memory  Book 
to  show  the  Home  Folks. 
We  will  help  you  with 
fresh  supplies,  a  good 
finishing  service,  and 
information  to  correct 
your  mistakes. 


Old  Lady:  "Oh,  conductor, 
idease  stop  the  train.  I  dro])pe(l 
my  wig  out  the  window." 

("(inductor:  "Never  mind,  Jla- 
dam,  tliere  is  a  switch  just  this 
side  of  tlu^  next  station." 

— Ortnpiifi. 


I 
I 
I 
I 
I 


Strauch 

Photo-Craft  House 


\c^  coix>\ 


Drink 


mf 


* 


Delicious  and  Refreshing 


The  Coca-Cola  Company 
atlanta,  ga. 


[28] 


SW£M 


-* 


and 


Brunswick 

Columbia 

Records 


Special     prices    on    Saxo- 

phoneti.  Tenor  Hanjos, 

and    all   string 

instruments 


Terms  on  Grand  pianos  to 

fraternities  and  sororities 

We  also  give  special  terms 

on  fuiniture 


G.  W.  Lawrence 

112  West  Main  Street 
URBANA 


"Hc"s  got  a  '^nwt  line,"  said  tlic 
rcpnilcr  after  lie  lind  interviewed 
tlie  presideiil  <>(  llic  i'.ell  Tele- 
plume  Coinpaiiy.  — Jiiiiitcr. 


i'ral  ;      "We    li;nc   a    new    disli- 
WMsher  at  the  lioiiye." 
I'^rater:     "How  so?" 
l''r;it  :     "1  noticed  the  diirereiiee 
in  llie  linger  prints  mi  inv  ]>late." 
—Froth. 
S 


"Wateli :  "And  why  does  tli;il 
man  always  relVr  to  you  as  his 
l»al)y  j;irl?" 

Foli:      "Oh.    I    don't    Unow.       1 
suppose  iieeiiiise  1  keep  him  up  so 
late  of  nij^hts.                 — Frivol. 
S 

^lotiier  (aside)  :  Edna  .your 
collar  looks  tif!;lit." 

Edna:      "Oh.    but     .Mother,    he 
isn't."                      — ()niii</r  Oirl. 
S 

Truth  is  stranger  than  fiction — 
;iud  lots  scarcer. 

— liroirii  Jii;/. 


Corona 

The  Personal  Writing  Machine 


THAT'S  how  easy  it  is  to 
pay  for  Corona,  the 
little  6'  2-pound  typewriter 
you  can  fold  up,  take  with 
you,  write  with  anywhere. 
Phone  us  today  for  a  free 
demoz^tration. 

R.    C.    WHITE    &    CO. 
612    E.    Green 


J. 


It  Takes  a  Good  Man  to  Satisfy,  But 


Jf3C- 


Drinks  and 
Light  Lunches 


Drinks  and 
Light  Lunches 


She'll  Be  Well  Pleased  if  You  Take  Her 

to  Schuler  Bros. 


Main  Street— Champaign 


I 
+- 


Whitman's  &  Morse's  Candies  —  also  our  own 


[29] 


Their  Qualily  has  wiped  out 
price  aistincKon  in  cigarettes 


Y>u  cant  help  but  [ij^  them! 

Ihe^  are  DIFFERENT-7)iey  are  GOOD 


JIREN 


Is  where 

A  yoiiiif;  man  in  soilcil  llaiiiu'ls  and 

A  sDt't  shift 

Dreams  of  silver  nidonjjlints 

Oil  stately  poiilars; 

Dreams  of  straiijie  zeplivrs,  eraiit, 

Klo\viii<{  a  i)i-etty  girrs  hair: 

Dreams  of  the  strains  of  a  waltz 

That  is  i)laye(l  where  the  lanterns  j;low. 

AVheie  the  dark  hcdd  retreats 

No  spying  eye  may  fathom  : 

He  dreams  of  Youth, 

He  dreams  of  Life,  and  warm  Love: 

He  dreams 

As  he  pounds  out  a 
Seventeen  hundred 
Word  thesis 
On 

A  dizzy  typewriter.            — /(irkO-Ldiitmi. 
S 

She:     "Don't  you  just  love  these  nights?" 
He:     "No.  sometimes  I  study." 

— Octopus. 


Stude:  "Do  I  understaud  y<iu  rightly,  sir.  to 
mean  that  tliis  report  is  not  acceptable?" 

Prof.:     ••Correct." 

JStude:      "But,    sir,    you    accepted    one    e.xactly 
like  it."  — Widoir. 
S 

I'rof.  (during  e.xaminatioii  I  :  "Will  some  gentle- 
man who  isn't  using  his  text-book  be  .so  kind  as  to 
let  me  have  it  a  few  moments?"  — fumilrr. 

8 

Father:  "XA'tial  did  you  do  with  that  last  ten 
dollars  I  gave  you?" 

•Son:    "I  i)ought  a  dollar's  wmth  of  oranges  and 
ajiples,  and  spent  the  rest  in  dates."  — I'luimir. 
S 

I'retty  Co-Ed:     "Did  you  speak  to  me?" 
Ixomantic  Freshman:    ••No,  but  Fd  like  to." 

—Brail  I'ol. 
S 

••Is  he  very  grammatical?" 

"I  should  say  not.  D  took  him  a  year  once  to 
liiiish  one  little  sentence."  — OcUipux. 

tS 

^linister  ito  sick  student  I  :  "l  take  a  friendly 
interest  in  yon.  my  boy.  because  1  have  two  sons  in 
the  university  myself:  one  taking  engineering  and 
the  other  ;;gri(  iilt\iie.     Is  there  anything  I  can  do?" 

Sick  Student:  '•You  might  pray  for  the  one 
taking  engineering.  — Mhim  hiilui. 


Warm  weather  cravats  &  Summer  Shirts 

will  soon  he  "\vearal)le" 

And  right  now  we're  sure  selling 
Spoil  outfits  (suits,  top-coats, 
caps). 


Gelvim 

t/ CLOTHES    SHOP 

"Croihet   Thit   MAke   ihe    Man   —510   E     Green 


Men   find    trading 
with  us  enjoyable 


4.. ._. . . „ . ._._. + 


Your  "profs"  feed  you 

heavy  stuff 
We  provide  what's 

light  and  refreshing 

BREAKFASTS 

PLATE  LUNCHES 

SANDWICHES 

SALADS 

HOMEMADE  PIE 

CAKE 

FANCY  DRINKS 

Prehn  &  Henningsen 

Green  at  Sixth 
We  Cater  to  Parties 


[31] 


SmEN 


I 
I 


V 
Eick 


csians 


cnings 


ColorplaHres 
PKoto'EngraVings 

J'LdyJertisino 
jAjjrposes 

G.R.GRUDD  SCO. 

Cham  naian, Illinois 


I 
I 


The  professor  ceased  leitming  and  gazed  intent- 
ly into  tlie  ncai-  loi-cjironnd.  Tlien  recollecting  liini- 
self  he  again  proceeded  with  his  subject.  Several 
times  he  ceased  sijeaking  and  stood  absorbed  in 
contemplation.  In  such  situations  great  ideas  have 
been  born.  Could  it  be  possible  that  the  prof,  was 
harboring  a  thought  that  was  to  startle  the  world? 
From  that  modest  classioom  a  second  Machievelli 
might  rise. 

With  a  visible  elFort  the  pi-ofessor  came  to  him- 
self and  spoke  to  the  assistant  in  an  undertone: 

"Please  tell  the  young  lady  in  seat  A  13  to  cover 
her  knee,"  he  said.  — BUiciuii. 


I 


I  I 

I  I 

I  I 

I  I 

!  I 


I 
f 
I 
I 

1 

4... 


Watch  Repairing  and 
Engraving 

At  the  Co-Op  Jeweler 

KIRMSE,  Prop. 


ILLINI  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


PRINTERS  AND  PUBLISHERS 


1321 


What    Is    Water   Japan? 

lAPAN- — not  the  country  but  a  metal-coating  varnish — 
^  and  your  morning  bottle  of  milk.  Totally  unlike,  yet 
associated! 

Ordinary  Japan  consists  of  a  tough,  rubbery,  tar-iike  "base" 
and  a  highly  inflammable  "solvent."  The  solvent  dilutes 
the  base  so  that  the  metal  may  be  coated  with  it  easily.  The 
presence  of  the  solvent  involves  considerable  fire  risk,  espje* 
cially  in  the  baking  oven. 

Milk  is  a  watery  fluid  containing  suspended  particles  of 
butter  fat,  so  small  that  one  needs  the  ultra- microscope  to  de- 
tect  them.  An  insoluble  substance  held  permanently  in  sus' 
pension  in  a  liquid  in  this  manner  is  in  "colloidal  suspension." 

The  principle  cf  colloidal  suspension  as  demonstrated  in 
milk  was  applied  by  the  Research  Laboratories  of  the  General 
Electric  Company  to  develop  Water  Japan.  In  this  com' 
pound  the  particles  of  japan  base  are  colloidally  suspended 
in  water.      The  fire  risk  vanishes. 


So  the  analysis  o?  milk  ha5  pointed  the  way  to  a  safe 
japan.     Again  Nature  serves  industry. 

Connected  with  the  common  things  around  us  sse  many 
principles  which  may  be  applied  to  the  uses  of  industry  with 
revolutionary  results.  As  Hamlet  said,  "There  are  more 
things  in  Heaven  and  earth,  Horatio,  than  are  dreamt  of  in 
your  philosophy." 

General^Electric 


General  OfBce 


Company 


Schenectady,  N.  Y. 

9S-479HD 


Arrow  cmege  Shirts 


GORDON — in   white   mercerized   Oxford   or    Pontjee,    French 
cuffs,  Hunting  pocket,  buttoned  down  collar. 

CORDOX   R — in  white  mercerized   Oxford   like  Gordon  ex- 
cept single  cuffs  with  two  buttons. 

I'OM FRET — in  white  mercerized  Oxford,  Pongee  or  Balloon 
cloth,  collar  attached  single  cufts  with  one  button 

SUBURBAN — in  white  mercerized  Oxford,  French  cuffs,  col- 
lar of  Supertex  cloth  attached. 


BERKELEY  — in  white  mercerized  Pongee,  Poplin  or  Aero- 
plane cloth,  2  Hunting  pockets,  buttoned  down  collar, 
single  cuffs  with  2  buttons. 

STUDENT — in  white  mercerized  Poplin,  English  Broad- 
cloth or  Aeroplane  cloth,  collar  attached,  single  cuffs  with 
2  buttons. 

GENESEE — in  white  mercerized  Pongee,  French  cuffs,  2 
Military  pockets  with  pleats,  reversible  collar  attached. 


Cluett,    Peabody  &  Co.,   Inc.    Makers    Tro^',   N.  Y. 


JIREN 


UNIVERSin  Of  ILLINOIS  LidhAhi 


I     DEDICATED  TO  THE   HIGH   SCHOOL  ATHfeE^^^ 


tr^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*"*^^"*'*'^"^^^™^^*^^*^ 


^ivr/lvlvl';ivl';r/r;r.'i';l';r/r.r;l-;l/l-/l'/i'.'l';l'.'l-;ivlvl.i.l.i  ■111 


uiJAyiiAau/WAiiiinMrai[niJiwi!n!i 


I.  M  >  I 


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s 


!^ 


MAY 


INTERSCHOLASTIC 


MCMXXII 


A 


JOS.  KUHN  &  CO. 


■A 

^^■ 

\ 

V 

1 

^.- 


Vay  -  Kay  -  Shun's 
Comin' 


Vacation's  coming  and  we  want  to  talve  tliis  opportun- 
ity to  wisli  you  a  prosperous  and  a  liappy  summer,  and 
to  tliank  you  for  your  liberal  patronage  during  the  past 
school  year. 

We  have  strived  hard  to  please  you  by  offering  the  kind 
of  merchandise  students  want  at  prices  within  the  range 
of  the  average  student's  income.  Those  students  who 
Lave  traded  here  in  the  past  year  will  agree  that  we 
have  in  a  large  measure  succeeded  in  accomphshing  this 
purpose. 

You  will  find  equally  styhsh  and  high  quahty  merchan- 
dise and  equally  reasonable  prices  when  you  return  next 
fall. 


Central  lUinois  Greatest  Store  for  Men 


3I-33-35-37 


X 


■■     yf 


^ 


\ 


1 ,1 


Salmagundi— 

"A  box  where  sweets  compacted  lie" 
!o   tempt  the  taste,  intrigue  the  eye 

Visualize  this  newest  member  of  Whitman's  Quality  Group, 
a  gift-box  of  metal,  with  mosaic  design  by  Mucha.  Imagine 
the  hinged  lid  swinging  back,  releasing  the  aroma  of  this  new 
assortment  of  Whitman's,  a  promise  of  the  treat  to  come: 

Majestic,  Plum  Pudding,  Mint  Rings,  Pecan  Cluster,  Filbert  Cluster, 
Brazil,  Marshmallow  Fudge,  Nougat,  Molasses  Chewing  Pecan  Marsh- 
mallow.  Solid  Tablet,  Marshmallow  Square,  Almonds,  Flat  Cream 
Mints,  St.  Nicholas,  Marshmallow  Apricot,  Molasses  Chips,  Pecan  Cara- 
mel Milk  Chocolate  Blossoms,  Solid  Chocolate  Butterfly,  Molasses 
Blocks,  Marshmallow  Mints,  Messenger  Boy.  Surely  a  feast  of  nectared 
sweets  where  no  crude  surfeit  reigns." 

Salmagundi  Chocolates,  in  their  sought-for  art  metal  box, 
are  sold  by  that  selected  store  near  you  displaying  the  sign 


Chocolates 
and  Confections 


STEPHEN  F.  WHITMAN  &.  SON,  '.nc,  Philadelphia,  U.  S.  A. 
Also  makers  of  Whitman's  Instantaneous  Cfiocolate,  Cocoa  and  Marshmaliou/  Whip 


Whitman's  famous  candies  are  sold  by 


Urbana 

University  Pharmacy,  505  S.  Goodwin  St. 

Mouyious  Bros. 

Urbana  Drug  Company,  111  W.  Main  St. 


Chainpaigu 

John  Schuler  &  Co. 
Arcade  Confectionery 
(J.  A.  Thnrnhill) 


Ask  for  special  Illinois  package  with  ribbon  and  seal 


S]ȣN 

4.,_.._„_.,_»_™ ™_. „_... 

i  T.  M.Bacon 
&  Sons 


WHOLESALE 
RETAIL 


Paints 

Glass 

Wall  Paper 


Champaign 


-+ 


I 


■v^<r^r-\    i=T7" 

TTT 

^^ 

Tl 

"Rastiis, 

"Yessuh, 

ever  in."— 

Agreed 

is  my  l)alli  wi 
tlie  wahmest 
-Lam  [toon. 

irni'^ 
Ah 

w 

as 

I 

4... 


Skee? 

I  Bull:  'Sno  use  crying  over  spilt 

I  milk. 

I  Sitting      Kull:  Tain't      milk.— 

,4,  Octojnis. 


You  will  admire  our 
workmanship  in  all 
lines  of  Dyeing  and 
Cleaning. 


Carpets  and   Rugs  Given 
Special  Attention 

PARIS  DYEING  & 
CLEANING  WKS. 

Call  Main  1744 


Drink 


-2— 


I 


HREN 


Good  Bye  Everybody- 

see  you  all  next  year 


WHITE  LINE  LAUNDRY 

Harry  J.  Millard 


Main  406 


M.  G.  Snvder 


Apologies  to  Wordsworth 


Thci-f  was  a  time  when  woman,  youiig  or  old. 

That  passed  imspeakiiig  by  me, 

Glancing  cold, 

With  terror  would  inspire  me 

If  toward  me  but  one  seeing  glance  liad  rolled 

But  that  was  in  my  youth  before  I  fouud 
The  joy  of  conversation  with  the  sex, 
The  sound 

( )f  their  sweet  voices  could  not  vex. 
There  was  a  pleasantness  iu  being  "round. 

But  that,  as  I  have  said,  was  in  my  youth 
Before  experience  had  to  me  told 
The  truth 


And  found  dece|ition  iu  their  glances  bold 
Yes,  found  for  all  tlieii-  words,  that  I  was 
nought  forsooth. 

But  now,  as  iu  my  age  I  recollect 

Beauty  that  so  sorely  taught  me 

To  expect 

Nought  for  my  ettorts  spent  tiuit  she 

Might  fonder  grow,  and  in  me  something  see. 

I  think  on  that  experience  so  forlorn. 
That  left  me  feeling  her  displeasure  and 
Her  scorn. 

And  I  was  cast  aside,  refused  that  hand 
Because,  unguardedly,  I  stept  upon  her  corn. 


Smith-Picard  Co. 

MEATS 

Wholesale  and  Retail 


I 

I 
*- 


8  Main  Street 


Champaign 


—3— 


JIR£N 


What  has  become  of  the  old  fashioned  }iii-l  wlio 
never  knew  what  a  i-inji  was  until  she  became  en- 
gaged? She  now  lias  a  daughter  who  blows  them  by 
the    thousand.  — Octojiux. 

S 

(iladys — "But  ytni  will  admit  1  have  a  |pretty 
face?" 

Horace — "Even  a  barn  looks  good  when  it's 
painted."  — Guhliii. 

S 

That  man  is  the  biggest  fool  in  the  world. 
Henry!     Henry!     You  are  forgetting  yourself. 

— YvJhiw  .Jdckri. 

'    S 

.fudge — "You  don't  deny  you  were  exceeding  the 
speed  limit  ?" 

I'nlucky  One — "No,  your  honor." 
.ludge — "Have  you  a  valid  excuse  to  otter'?" 
U.  O.  (dreamily) — ^"Not  a  valid  one,  I'm  afraid, 
but  you  ought  to  have  seen  the  girl  that  asked  me 
to  step  on  the  gas."  — (IdhHn. 
S 

Many  poets  spend  weeks  on  a  single  line." 
"That's  nothing;  I  know  numy  men  who  have 
spent  twenty  years  on  a  single  sentence." 
'''  f!'  —Tiger. 


Innocence 

He:  "What's  the  ditterence  between  a  kiss  and 
a  ( iiecn  Kiver''' 

.She:  "I  don't  know,  I've  never  had  a  (ireen 
Kiver."' 

— Ocl'ijiiis. 

A  Stinging  Report 

Ten — How  did  you  ha]ipen  to  win  the  hundred- 
yard  (lash  ? 

Flat — Somebody  lillcd  the  starting  gun  with  tur- 
pentine. — Vhaiiparul. 

S 

Madge — It's  a  shame  to  talk  of  long  skirts  after 
tiie  circus  we've  had  with  our  short  ones. 

Jlarjorie — fii-cus  is  right,  my  dear.    "We've  been 

— I  udf/c. 
S 


giving  the  greatest  show  on  earth 


She  crossed  her  slim  ankles  and  scltied  back 
among  the  cushions  of  the  hammock. 

He  put  his  arms  around  her  and  sighed. 

She  sighed. 

He  sighed  agaiji  and  murnuired  :     "Darling — " 

"Yes,"  she  queried. 

"Darling,  will  you  nuirry  me?" 

And  when  he  had  gone  she  cut  another  notch  ii 
the  porch  swing.  — /ester. 


1 


..+     +.. 


I    Wholesome  Refreshment 
'  During  Active 

Vacation  Months 


The  Original 

[  Delicious,  invigorating  food-drink.  Health 
1  ;ind  strength  stored  in  every  glass.  The 
I  favorite  of  college  men  "vacationing'',  at 
business,  study  or  sport.  Unexcelled 
wherever  beverages  are  sold.  \'ery  refresh- 
ing after  golf  or  tenuis  ami  when  hunting, 
'luting  or  motoring. 

Specify  "Horlicli's" — for  tliat 
original  flavor  and  delicious 
quality   that    imitations   lack. 


THE  APOLLO 

CONFECTIONERY 

Home  of  High  Grade  Candies 

and   Delicious 

Drinks 


Try  one  of  our  famous  Fresh 

Lime  Freezes  or  Fresh 

Strawberry  Sundae 


THE   APOLLO  CONFECTIONERY 
Morvios   Bros..    VrlxDW,   III. 


4..,, 
-4— 


1 

..4. 


Good  bye,  Girls! 


sssm 


Say  you, 

As  you  salt  away  the 

Last  of  the  sport  shirts. 

But 

You  are  coming  back, 

You  know. 

And  when  you  do — 

Kindly  bring  an  extra 

Buck  an'  a  half, 

To  solace  yourself 

With  a  year  of  the 

1922-1923  SIREN. 

It  will  keep 

Your  perceptibilities 

Oiled. 

Good  bye,  luck, 

And  everything! 


LARRY  TRIGGS. 
The  new  Editor, 


—5- 


Msm 


.^QiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiioiiiimiiMiaiiiiiiiiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiiiiiiiiiiiHiiiiniiiiiiciiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiMiiiiiiniiiii^ 


Even  burned  wienies  taste 

better  because  of  ©^wieoti^ 


TRADE    MARK 


CLUB  NAPKINS 

Hostess  smiles  because  luncheon  guests 
use  Dennison's  Paper  Club  Napkins  — no 
laundry.  Guests  smile  because  they  like 
•cm.  You  will,  too.  Napkins  extra  heavy, 
almost  like  damask. 


PICNICING  has  become  a  major  outdoor 
sport  largely  because  of  Dennison. 
All  over  the  country  people  are  eating  burn- 
ed wienies,  ants  in  their  jelly  sandwiches, 
and  grass  in  their  salad  with  great  relish. 
"Doesn't  everything  taste  good  outdoors", 
they  say  as  they  masticate  their  "peck  of 
dirt",  and  eat  things  that  even  Fido  would 
pass  up  at  home. 

Much  of  this  is  due  to  the  fact  that  Denni- 
son has  made  picnicing  enjoyable  by  provid- 
ing 

Beautifully  decorated  Paper  Napkins 

Paper  Table  Cloths 

Paper  plates 

Drinking  cups 

Ice  cups — for  ice  cream  and  salads 

Place  cards 

Nut  cups 

Perhaps  there  are  other  things,  too,  that 
we  can  show  you  that  will  help  put  that  pic- 
nic "over" 


TUDENTQUPPLYCrORE 


STUDENTCUPf 
Service       ^  Javirv 


n^_  f  Jaiis/ac4 


ion 


"Chuck"  Bailey 


"Shelby"  Hhnes 


fniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiniiiiiQiii tiiiiiiiiiiiiin iiiiiiii iiiiiiniiiiiMuiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiiniiiiiiiiciiniiiiMiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiaiiiiMiiMiiniiiiiiniiiiaiiiiiiiiiiiiDiimimii^  ^- 


HREN 


Scholastic  Pastimes 

(Conclusion) 


Welcoming  one's  self  into  the 
ancient  order  of  Hazwuz 


T.  P.   BouBLAND,  Editor;  Gkorge  B.  Switzer,  Art  Editor; 
G.  V.  Buchanan,   Jr.,  Contrihuting  Editor;  Jack  Tutti.e, 
Exchange  Editor;  Hoken  Hoie,   Contributing  Artist. 
L.   F.   Trigg.s:    Editor-Elrct 


J.  A.  Nuckolls,  Business  Manager;  R.  R.  Fowler,  Assist- 
ant Business  Manager;  R.  J.  Weber,  Advertising  Manager; 
R.  H.  Ferguson,  Circulation  Manager. 

R.  R.  Fowler:    Manager-Elect 


Business  Staff 


Editorial  Sta/f 

A.  L.  Straus  L.  P.  Tbiggs 

O.  D.  Burqe  Ciias.  E.  Noyes 

Vlhnon   Knai'I' 


Bt  RT  Hriti) 
G.  Zeiger 
W.  Meents 

P.    Rl'.nEMSKI 

High  Fechtman 
s.  fortier 


Floyd  Mochon 

W.    C.    RUNKLE 

J.  O.  Keth 
Mary  Werts 
Brdce  Cowan 
Ruth  Thrasher 


Art  Staff 

G.  V.  Buchanan  Dorothy  Schulze 
M.  R.  Marx  Helen  Hottinger 

J.   J.  Bresee  Constance  Freeman 

Elizabeth    Boggs 


Published  monthly  by  the  Illini  Publishing  Company,  University  of  111  inois,  during  the  college  year.  Entered  as  second-class  matter  at  the 
postoffice  at  Urbana,  Illinois,  by  act  of  Congress,  March  3,  1879.  Office  of  publication,  Illini  Publishing  Company.  Subscription  price,  $1.50  the 
year  local,  $1.75  by  mail.     Address  all  communications  to   !o6  University    Hall,  Urbana,  Illinois. 


Valedictory 


To  Young  America 


We  are  very  much  interested  in  you,  High  School 
Athletes.  We  are,  at  present,  taking  you  very  seriously 
indeed.  Four  years  hence,  you  know,  you'll  be  running 
this  beloved  old  shop  of  ours.  We  admire,  with  more  than 
a  passing  admiration,  your  energy  and  skill  in  the  field, 
your  expertness  and  flare  in  the  matter  of  your  publica- 
tions, your  speech  and  ideas  and  appearance. 

While  you  are  here,  look  well  about  you,  and  see  what 
you  can  see.  Observe  us — criticise  us — tell  yourselves  in 
what  way  you  would  differ  from  us  when  you  have  passed 
a  year  or  so  in  university.  When  you  come  to  stay,  the 
best  and  finest  spirit  that  is  in  you  will  be  needed  to  make 
us  fitter  for  the  "next  batch".  Determine  now,  if  you  can, 
what  that  spirit  is  to  be,  and  how  it  is  to  be  applied. 

Too  serious,  perhaps,  for  a  "funny  magazine".  Let 
be,  then,  young  friends,  and  turn  the  page;  but  not  before 
we  figuratively  grasp  your  hand,  and  say,  with  just  the 
proper  amount  of  gravity,  "Welcome  to  Our  Chautauqua!" 


THE  lads  on  the  Arcade  facade  have  shed  their  coats. 
The  festive  coke  slithers  over  the  bar.  There  is  talk 
of  politics,  and  talk  of  examinations,  and  talk.  In- 
trigueing  echoes  and  scents  and  langors  steal  up  into  my 
alley  window,  to  make  a  mock  of  the  flat  click  of  my  type- 
writer. It  is  more  than  springtime  now,  and  the  voice  of 
the  turtle  is  heard  in  the  land. 

Retrospective,  for  the  moment,  as  any  Indiana  bard, 
I  view  the  year  that  has  fled  me  and  the  little  Sirens  that 
have  rolled  off  Vic's  press  with  the  conventional  'mingled 
emotions'.  In  the  year's  beginning  I  had  hoped  that  a 
new  spirit  of  living  had  come  to  pervade  our  flat  campus; 
I  had  hoped  that  this  cordial  family  of  ours  had  learned 
something,  and  would  learn  more,  of  the  gentle  art  of 
laughing  at  onesself.  I  had  hoped  that  a  bit  of  post-war 
radicalism,  a  new  tolerance,  a  new  thoughtfulness,  was 
inevitable.  I  had  hoped  that  Nonsense  and  Satire  and 
Criticism  could  possibly  unite  to  express  this  little  renas- 
cence; could  merge  in  a  paradoxical  Seriousness.  I  had 
hoped  

But  the  Siren  appeared  and  reappeared,  and  other 
hopeful  publications  also,  in  their  time  and  fashion,  and 
nothing  has  happened,  I  fear.  The  Hydra  has  not  so  much 
as  grunted.  It  is  the  proper  thins.  I  know,  for  the  retir- 
ing editor  to  point  with  pride.  Enough  for  me,  though, 
to  refrain  from  viewing  with  alarm;  and  I  ilo  not  view 
with  alarm.     God  guards  the  sleeper. 

Some  day  the  renascence  will  come  to  us,  and  the  stu- 
dent will  know  then  that  he  is  alive  in  an  interesting  world, 
and  that  he  is  possessed  of  other  gifts  than  a  hand  and  a 
memory;  but  I  shall  not  see  that  day. 


—8— 


HREN 


I  wisli  well  to  those  who  follow,  and  join  soniewluu  in 
their  enthusiasm  and  hope.  1  have  had  an  interesting  time 
with  the  Old  Girl,  have  been  personally  patted  on  the  back 
much  beyond  my  deserts,  and  retire  pleasantly,  much  as  1 
began,  bearing  in  mind  the  old  retrain:  In  non-reading 
communities  the  writing  of  editorials  is  diverting  and 
harmless. 

S 


And  now  that  that  is  off  my  chest 

Of  the  late  epidemic  of  elections  one  aspect  has  been 
outstanding:  that  of  flubdubbery.  On  all  sides,  flubdub- 
bery.  A  horde  of  contestants  for  office  have  raised  their 
voices  in  a  paen  of  praise  for  the  future-as-they-would-have 
it,  and  the  future  has,  save  for  diction  and  tone,  not  varied 
one  whit  from  the  present.  It  is  not  encouraging  to  the 
progressive — this  panorama  of  stale  young  men  perpetuat- 
ing the  past. 

This  student  body  needs  men  who  would  change  the 
present,  and  change  it  to  something  better.  It  does  not 
need  more  organizations,  reclassitioations,  and  bepatch- 
ings.    It  needs  vision,  not  revision.    It  needs  men,  not  jobs. 

It  needs,  in  fine,  a  return  to  Learning  and  Labor,  for 
it  has  long  been  worshipping  false  gods. 

S 


Appreciations 


Co-operation,  aid,  and  sympathy  do  not  grow  on  every 
casual  bush  hereabouts.  MTien  I  consider,  in  the  words 
of  Arnold, 

"Who  prop,  thou  askest,  in  these  dark  days  my  mind?" 
no  city  directory  of  kindly  names  suggests  itself  to  me. 
Beyond  a  few  friendly  fellow  students  who  manage  to  keep 
track  of  our  publication  dates,  I  mind  four  persons,  without 
whose  ministrations  the  year  would  have  been  most  lean 
and  lonely  for  me — ^at  least  from  the  editorial  point  of 
view.    And  they  are: 

Dr.  S.  P.  Sherman,  who  aided  by  judicious  praise. 

Dr.  F.  W.  Scott,  who  aided  in  subtle  ways  by  his 
presence  and  manner. 

Dean  Clark,  who  has  been  kind. 

Charles  E.  Herman,  of  the  Illlni  Print  Shop,  who  by 
his  wit  and  energy  in  the  matter  of  makeup,  his  amiabil- 
ity under  all  conditions,  and  his  seemingly  infinite  capacity 
for  work,  has  smoothed  the  path  for  the  mechanics  of  the 
business. 

These  four  have  been  friends,  and  I  will  never  forget 
them. 


Of  traditions  one  Word  More 

Pick  the  false  from  the  true  wlien  possible. 

A  trackless  ocean  of  print  and  talk  has  been  wasted 
at  Illinois  in  advertisement  of  abortive  traditions. 

Canes,  wing  collars,  "helloboys",  sings,  prize  songs  .  . 
....  bunk! 

We  have,  however,  traditions;  true  traditions;  natural 
traditions.     They  are: 

The  annual  spontaneous  Sjiring  Celebration. 

The  Boneyard  ceremony  of  Skull  and  Crescent. 

Old  duck  trousers  in  summer  school. 

SereiKides. 

Hatred  of  all  "high-brows". 

The  Tnrcocommunistic  view  of  women. 

The  gold-digger  view  of  men. 

Freshman  cap-burning. 

Guests,  ice-cream,  and  clean  napery  on  Wednesdays. 

Those  are  our  traditions,  my  masters.  End  this  con- 
stant fret  about  "starting  a  new  one",  and  devote  thought 
to  perpetuating  the  old,  when  the  old  are  desirable,  and 
obliterating  them  when  they  are  otherwise. 

s 


Ballade  of  a  dull  class 

No  lay  of  nut  professors  be  uiy  part ; 
In  faith,  their  life  is  bad  enough  as  is — 
And  many  a  prof,  so  scorned  by  our  bright  art 
In  his  own  litie  is  really  quite  a  wliizz. 

And  yet  about  the  school-room  be  my  song, 
My  place  to  clironicle  the  class; 
The  students  i)lodding  steadily  along. 
The  helpless,  poor,  down-trodden  mass. 

Now  lliere's  the  dumbell  who  will   never  i<iiow   liis 

slutr, 
Ag.-iiii,  the  flapper  with  Iter  silly  baby  slare, 
Tlie  funny  1k)V,  who's  laughed  al  and  gets  rough, 
Tlie  lover  who.se  fast  sighs  disturb  tiie  air. 

A  crowd  of  nuts  wlio  ]iray  tlu>y  won't  recite — 
A  group  of  wise  ones,  they  are  calh'd  a  chiss; 
One  wisli.  one  brain,  one  ignorance  lii<e  nigiit — 
^^'ailing  lor  the  hour  to  passi 

— ('.   E.  NOYES. 


—9- 


HKEN 


Going  Home  From  the 
Shan  Kive 

li\    FUANK   H.   lIlTCHlNS. 

AVAS  walkiiij;  jilonj;  On-pm  iSticct,  with 
a  nirl  oil  cacli  iti-iii.  On  my  left  was  a 
silent,  pensive,  young  lady  in  the  jnnior 
or  senioi-  class;  on  my  rijjlit  was  a  jiiisli- 
iiig  young  I'rosliine. 

"Oil,  isn't  the  moon  lieantil'iil  tonight?"'  ex- 
elaiiiied  my  dexter  companion.  "And  isn't  it  just 
too  lovely  that  our  clia])eroiie  had  to  slop  and  talk 
to  tho.se  other  i^eople"?  I  hate  to  have  a  clia])er()iie 
along.  They're  so  conservative  and  so  slow!  Don't 
yon  think  chaperones  are  an  awful  bore,  Mr. 
Fatinia?" 

"Yes;  gesso",  I  replied  absently,  trying  the 
while  to  formnlate  a  line  to  toss  to  the  fair  lady  on 
my  left  the  next  time  I  was  permitted,  through  a 
suspension  in  the  attack  from  the  other  flank,  to  u.se 
it.  I  could  think  of  plenty  of  lines,  but  none  of 
them  seemed  to  fit  in.  And  still  the  attack  con- 
tinued. 

I  cogitated   girls'  skirts,  long  arms,  kisses,  ro- 


A  Homely  Discourse  on 
Obstacles  to  Learning 

l?y  Veunon"  Kn.M'I'. 

//  //  II  fiiKJiiitrs  (jiirhiiic  (Iiniiii  cJioxc. 

The  mention  of  these  words,  not  so  long  ago,  im- 
luoi-lalized  by  that  much  beloved  ballaileer,  Bert 
licstotii  Taylor,  takes  me  back  to  the  days  when  the 
mention  (jf  Kobin.son  Crusoe  meant  a  crui.se  in  the 
South  Seas,  the  life  of  a  castaway  on  a  tropic  isle; 
and  when  Stevenson  meant  delectable  thrills  in 
searching  for  pirate  gold.  The  connection  may  not 
at  fir.st  seem  ai)]iarent  but  if  in  some  way  I  might 
express  my  deep,  insatiable  love  for  such  tales  a.s  a 
boy  (I  am  still  a  boy  in  this  matter)  and  if  you 
could  imagine  with  what  deep  and  itoignant  regret  1 
had  to  leave  the  marvelous  romances  and  adventures 
at  the  beck  and  call  of  a  parent  who  needed  some- 
thing from  the  garden  or  had  most  any  other  bit  of 
work  for  me  to  do;  if  you  could  realize  all  these,  I 
say,  then  you  may  imagine  with  wdiat  fervent,  im- 
petuous, intonations  I  might  have  uttered,  "11  y  a 
toujours  quclquc  damn  chose",  (that  is  if  I  had 
known  the  phrase  then)  whenever  I  was  disturbed 
in  the  midst  of  a  trip  to  the  moon  with  Jules  Yerne, 


mauce,  speed,  the  Orpli,  B.  Y.  D.'s,  principle  and  in- 
terest. Shakers — yet  I  was  unable  to  frame  a  suitable  or  on  a  jaunt  through  some  exotic  paradise  with 
line  from  any  of  them.  Gulliver. 

And  still  the  attack  continued.     It   drifted  to  It  was  my  constant  wont,  when  I  was  a  lad  in 

the  beauty  of  the  new  fallen  snow,  the  wonderful  teens,  to  read  some  of  the  less  severe  books  which 

coolness  of  the  atmosphere,  the  thrills  which  attend  were  written  for  youngsters.     I   discovered  rather 


real  dates;  it  finally  wound  up 
in  a  tirade  against  the  Woman's 
League  for  not  permitting  dates 
on  week  nights. 

"It  certainly  ought  to  be 
more  lenient",  I  acipiiesced  hur- 
riedly, and  then  addressing  my- 
self in  an  undertone  to  my  more 
reticent  cscortee,  I  said :  "A 
cavalry  sergeant  generally  has 
a  hard  time  to  make  the  fresh- 
men close  in  and  keej)  a  goo(l 
line,  but  no  such  luck  here.  The 
closing  in  isn't  so  much — just 
one-sided  ;  that's  all — but  even 
Captain  Grow  couldn't  find 
fault  with  that  line."  She 
.smiled  sweetly  at  me  and  I  op- 
ened my  mouth  to  continue. 

"I  don't  think  I'm  getting 
a  square  deal  out  of  this!" 
broke  in  the  garrulous  one. 
"You're  not  talking  to  me  a 
bit." 

(Continued    on   page   26) 


The  Captain  —  Kemeniber.    ill-, 
no    more    mascots    aboard 
dii]). 


Brigg 


The    Ensign  — Aye,    Aye.    sir  I 
But  what  about  the  dog  watch  ? 


1 

..4. 


early  that  my  passion  for  books 
was  designed  to  be  impeded. 
As  I  view  in  retrospect  my 
early  days,  I  find  that  it  never 
failed  after  sitting  down  in  a 
large  comfy  chair  and  folding 
my  bare  legs  under  me,  in  order 
to  be  comfortable  as  I  read, 
that  I  w^as  summoned  almost 
instantly  to  run  some  errand 
or  to  "go  quickly  and  get  a  bas- 
ket of  cobs",  for  the  i)asti'y  in 
the  oven  needed  a  quick,  hot  Are 
which  only  cobs  could  make. 

It  soon  became  chronic 
with  the  folks  to  find  something 
to  be  done  when  I  .settled  with 
a  well  bound  volume  of  "Arab- 
ian Nights''  and  when  sum- 
moned for  labor  I  could  not 
help  slamming  the  book  on  the 
table  and  stamping  noisily  out 
of  the  room,  muttering  as  I 
went.     I  smile  now,  as  I  recall 

(Continued   on   page   21) 


-10- 


SIREN 


The  Sweet  Boy  Graduate 

King  (Hit  vou  silvery  castinet 

Peal  out  the  loud  marimba's  sound 
Blow  hard  the  lusty  banjo's  fret 

And  simper  while  the  horn  is  wound 
Strum  on  your  bell 
Brinjj  myrtle  for  a  hero's  crown 

Twine  garlands  of  the  maiiiioset 
Vou  cannot  keej)  a  good  man  down 

So  hea]>  his  head  with  mignonette 
( )r  as])hodel. 
>«'o  more  the  logarithnMcstance 

Shall  sorow  bring,  or  sadness  make 
Nor  once  again  will  tickle  chance 

The  lim|iing  thirst  for  kiiowlcilge  slake 
Wliat    agitates. 

I>('s])i1c  tlie  hunker  wliicli  ajipears 

Imipassahlc.  Iiy  stint  to  Icai-n 
Our  iiei'o,  after  fifteen  years 

Has  learned  the  art  of  how  to  cliuiii 
And  graduates. 
S 


The  Bent  Twig 

lie  l';mei-sonized   his  iiKirniiig   lliroiigh, 
lie  I'oed  his  midday  imich, 
lie  Kipliiiged  lhr<ingh  his  beans  and  bread. 
And   llolnised  with  every  mnncii. 

lie  llawlhorned  on  his  way  to  class; 

Al  dinner  linu"  the  blighter 

Will  Sli.ikcspeared  o'er  his  scalhiped  steak — 

lie  dreamed  he  was  a  writer. 

He  Kuskinril  Ihroiigli   his  twilighl    lime, 
lie  Homered  u]>  to  bed  ; 
I!m(  now  — alasl  he's  raising  sheep 
Al    I  well!  \    bneks  ahead  I 

Jloral  :     lOiiongh  Land)  brings  ha.mlsome  retui-ns 
in  mnlton.  —Riff  Raff. 


^^)/C^^^ 


When  ottier  days  have  come,  swift  flying 
And  others,  we  have  found  to  vamp  us 

Ah!   littlest  one.  will  you  recall 
The  old  south  campus? 

When  other  lips  have  claimed   our  lips 
When  heavy  years  contrive  to  stamp  us 
As  has-beens,  will  we  bring  to  mind 
The  old  south  campus? 

We  pray  not  so,  those  days  are  past 
Why  bring  up  memories  that  cramp  us 

We  hope  that  no  one  mentions  then 
The  old  south  campus. 

s 


^   _   _^  _.      "'     "^u've  jollj  ^iw  I?»gji«  crtdit  for 
B}/  atf9a>S      /      ont  Ihirj-  ttwi's  a  iarr  ntat  car! " 

"Yes-  that's  »Aat  the  dealer  had  to 
^ive  him  when  he  got  itl" 


-11— 


HREN 


1 


These  Moments  of  Inertia 


"  TH^SACi^v  TO  Tl-"\Tr  CouNtm'  novmtfff 


—12- 


SW£M 


Cars  on  Green  Street 


By  tin  ir  curs 

)'<■  sIkiII  kiKiir  thrill   . 

That  one.  now. 

Which  blatters  so 

-loyfiilly 

Across  the  tracks. 

Is  the  ubiquitous 

Foril   coupe. 

Surnauied  auioivt. 

It  will  hold  two. 

Four,  six,  or 

Eight,  as  occasion 

Hay  deuiaud. 

The  more  the  merrier- 

Is  it  not  so? 

Next  the  trusty 

Old  Cadillac. 

Survivor  of  many 

Adventures, 

Still 

.1    (/(Kjil  car. 

And  the  sport. 

With  ilisc  wheels 

Or  wire  wheels 

Or  orange  wheels 

And  side  wings 

And   spot  lights 

Anil  barrel  lamps 

And  shinine.s.s — 

Driven  liy  a  well- 

Dressed,  handsom(> 

(Of  cour.se I 

Vcniiig  niati 


One  or  the  Other 

First  ("iilored  .Man:  Last  uiglit  ;ili  went  to  a 
fortune  teliah.  and  dat  woman  told  me  that  some  day 
:ih  would  Stan'  in  a  high  pl.ice.  with  iiulilic  otlicials 
on  either  hand,  an"  deliber  a  farewell  address  to  a 
great  crowd  of  people,  who  would  listen  with  close 
attention  and  many  evidences  of  sori'ow  to  every- 
thing ah  said. 

Second  Colored  Man:     Well? 

F.  C.  M. :  It  shuah  loks  like  ah  was  desiiiu'd 
for  public  life. 

S.  C.  M. :  Mebbe  so,  boy,  melibe  so:  lint  to  mah 
ears  you  has  acurately  described  a  public  hanging! 

— fill II  Dodt/ir. 

S 


With  his  fiicnd 

(Juitc  close 

Beside  him. 

\oir  I  think 

The  color  coiiiliiiinlioii 

/.•J  poor  t(i,*it<'. 

Don't  I/O II ^ 

And  at  last. 

The  inevitable 

Strijjped  Flivver. 

/  could  (Irxif/n  our 

Bitter  than  that  .  .  . 

But  it   has  all  kinds 

Of  speed — 

Or  at  least 

Some  of  them  do — 

,Y/fc  to  phii/  <i round 

School  irith, 

Ltn't  it* 


Now  I  here's.  1  here's 

A  Car: 

t  i  la  nee  over 

Those  lines  - 

.\nd  it's  got 

S/tii  il — 

.1  (/(/  /loirrr 

And   it's  nliiililr 

1 1   must   be  lough 

To  own  ihat   kind 

Of  a  car^ 

1  hate  a  guy 

Oh.  sirrrt  doll! 

Like  that: 

Well,  the  iiiiitoniKiii 

lias  finished  his 

Sirsta 

Hi/  thr  I  iiioii  liuildiii;/. 

Urn's   thr  ta.ri  for 

Champaign. 

(!<il  II  car  tii-kri .' 

('has.  K.   Novks 


Cat! 

It's  easy  to  smile 

■When  your  dates  are  alone 

And  there's  not  a  bothering  sound; 

But  the  man  worth  while 

Is  the  man  who  can  smile 

AVhen  the  family  sticks  around. 

— Punch   lioirl. 
S 

Noknees:  "Which  are  the  most  destructive, 
worms  or  caterpillars?" 

Bolegs :  "I  don't  know,  (dd  citron.  1  never  had 
caterpillars."  — I'nriilr  Cow. 

. __ — s 


Observant  Kiddy — Oh.  look  at  that  funny  nmn, 
mother.     He's  .sitting  on  the  sidewalk  talkiu'  to  a      isn't  in  it." 
banana-peel!  — Judge.  ''Is  it  as  low  as  that 


I'm    having  a    mnv   dress   made   but    my   heart 
-]\'idoir. 


-13— 


swm 


Relativity 

-r    ISM     ^ 


1  had  bci'ii  eiidi-avdiiiij;  to  ex- 
plain to  the  fair  .yoniig  thing  witli 
whom  I  was  dauciug,  Einstein's 
tiu'oiy  of  relativity — by  way  of 
linear  substitute,  yon  understand 
— when  I  was  forced,  fi'oni  lack  of 
facility  in  diagraniuiin;;,  to  break 
otf  my  learned  dissertation. 

"Devil  take  it",  I  exclaimed. 
"Do  you  mind  if  I  wail  till  Hie 
end  of  this  dance  to  tell  yon  how 
relative  position  is  alfected  by 
relative  velocity?  1  can't  explain 
anything,  you  know,  with  mu- 
sicians, question  nuirk,  are  di-on- 
ing  out  their  infernal  Hlues." 

"Yes",  she  replied,  "1  notice 
you've  been  pulling  my  guimpe  out 
at  the  neck.  Thought  'twas  funny 
you  weren't  any  better  than  that 
at  tiuding  my  waist  line." 

A  slight  pause  followed.  Then 
she  looked  up  sweetly  into  my 
eyes  and  enjoined : 

"Go  on !  Tell  me  about  position 
and  velocity,  won't  you  ?" 

Frank  H.  Hutchixs. 

S 


from  tiie 
Boncyard 

Antftology* 


Query 


Kir  St(Hit:  How  did  Sir  Thin 
insult  me  by  calling  you  a  canner 
of  pork  ? 

Squire :  It  was  while  I  was  lac- 
ing on  your  armor,  sir. — Punch 
Bold. 

S 

"What  must  we  do  before  our 
sins  can  be  forgiven,  Buddie?" 
Buddie — "Sin."   — >S'o(/r    Ojr/. 


I  said 

I  was  a  good  student; 

And  that  I   had 

Ambitions  in  the  slumming 

And  Home  Ec.  way. 

But  that  thrilled 

The  sisters 

Not. 

They   lool<ed  me  over  and   said; 

"Better  go  out  for 

Beauty". 

So   I   did. 

********** 

I  divided  my  time 
Betwen  the  photographer 
And  the  snake. 
IVIy  name  was  mud,  but 
My  dates  were  at  a  premium. 
I  am  here   no  more     *     *     * 
But  my  ghost  still  lingers 
Hiding    behind    feather   fans, 
Gazing  into  goldfish   bowls, 
In   photo  shops. 

But  I  am  here  no  more.  .*_.*.  .' 
********** 
The  Boneyard  got  me. 


Smooth   form  of  shadow, 
Tenebra, 

Lithe  grace  of  Helena, 
Upon  an  artificial  meadow 
In  soft,  electric  monlight — 
What  secret  of  a  sumer  night 
Is  hidden  in  your  play? 
Or  do  you,  dancing  airily 
Your  charm   displaying  warily 
Care   not  what   you  yortray, 

S 

"Xurse,    did    you    kill    all 


the 


germs  in  baby's  milk?" 

"Yes,  ma'am ;  I  run  it  through 
the  meat-choper  twice." — Lijc 


-s- 


First  Convict :  When  1  git  outa 
this  pen  I'm  gonna  have  a  hot 
time,  ain't  you? 

Second  Convict:      Don't    know. 
I'm  in  for  life.  — Cracker. 
S 


"Got  a  nail  in  your  tire?" 
"Naw;  ran  over  a  fork  in  the 
road !"  —Tiger. 


-14- 


HKEN 


Two  Cril 

By  (i.  \-. 

:ici 

Hn'i 

al  Ballads 

.\N.\N-.  .In. 

The  Diffident  Diver  and  the  Poet 

A  diffident  driver  was  driving  one  day 

The  diver  looked  doubtful,  but  scratching  his  head 

Some  five  or  ten   miles  from  the  city 

Accepted  the  poet's  endeavor 

When,  hard  by  a  tavern,  he  met  on  his  way 

And   reading   it  carefully,  carefully  said 

A  poet  composing  a  ditty. 

I'm  never  a  critic — however — 

He  paused  on  his  journey,  the  two  passed  the  time 

1  think,  after  scanning  your  sorrowful   line 

By  greetings  concerning  the  weather 

1  may  help  your  sad  condition 

And  then,  said  the  poet.  "I   lack  but  a  rhyme 

For,  while  in  professions  as  this'un  of  mine 

Perhaps  we  can  get  it  together. 

One  doesn't  find  much  education. 

You  see  I'm  composing  a  verse  of  the  soul 

It  is  barely  possible  some  could  do  worse 

An   image  of  promise,   but  sadly 

For  to  judge  from  the  rest,  I've  a  notion 

The   lack  of  one  'line  discomposes  the  whole 

That  the  sort  of  deep  thought  to  complete  such  a  verse 

Indeed.  I'm  in  need  of  it  badly. 
High  serious  thoughts  are  my  constant  delight 

Might  be  found  in  the  depths  of  the  ocean. 

The  work  that  the  poet  so  patiently  wroght 

You  can  see  how  I've  started  the  poem 

Is   unfinished,   none   other  has  seen   it 

But  there's  where   1   stop.   1   can't  get  it  right 

For  since  then  the  poet  has  sat  deep  in  thought 

And  that  is  the  key  to  the  poem. 

<a 

O'er  the  query  "Just  how  did  he  mean  it?" 

The  Ballad  of  the  Gentlemanly  Brewer 

Ah!    list,  while   merry   muses  join 

For  in  the  house  where  once  he  dwelt 

To  sing   of   Hopgood    Muer 

Another  measures  liquor 

Who  lived  on  Elm  street,  in   Des  Moines, 

A  brand  whose  activeness  is  felt 

A   gentlemanly  brewer. 

Much   stronger  and   much   quicker. 

Long  years  ago  he  brewed  a  brew 

Strange   happenings  hap  in  that  den 

That  made  one  live  and  witty 

Which  once  was  mild  and  lawful 

And  he  was  held  both  good  and  true 

And  things  that  never  happened  then 

A  credit  to  the   city. 

Now   happen   oft  and  awful. 

Men  drank  his  brew  and  left  his  hall 

Sam  Jone's  wife  is  blind.  Bill's  wife  is  sore 

In   action   gentle   minded 

The   undertaker's  vigor 

One  never  beat  one's  wife  at  all 

Is  called  on  daily  more  and  more 

And   not  a  one  was  blinded. 

Since  prohibition's  rigor. 

But  time  does  fly  and  times  do  change 

And   Hapgood,  who  was  once  a  man 

Good   Muer's  now  a  sorter 

Of  credit  to  his  city 

Another  peddles  vintage   strange 

Now  fills  no  brimming  battered  can 

Where   Hopgood  peddled  porter. 

Ah!    How  we'd 

He  cannot,   more's  the  pity, 
other  days 

sing  of 

We'd  seize  our  lyre 

and  strike  it 

That  brewer  of 

Des  M 

oines  to  praise 

But  Volstead 

would 

Vt  like  it. 

-15- 


HREN 


1 


-16— 


swm 


The  Bednnin^  of  Things 


In  the  tomb  of  the  wife  of  Melachrino  XIV  in  the  land  of  snnd  and  pyramids  is  found  this  fragment: 
— ^from  Babylon  came  a  dancing  girl,  and  she  was  brought  before  the  queen,  and  she  danced,  and  her 
dancing  was  not  like  any  dancing  which  had  been  seen  in  the  realms  of  Melachrino  before  that  time. 
Furthermore  is  it  reported  that  she  was  not  of  the  peoples  of  Babylon,  but  that  she  had  come  from  a 
far  land,  where  the  ground  in  winter  was  white,  and  the  people  fierce  and  their  faces  heavily  bearded. 
And  with  her  was  a  man,  and  she  danced  with  the  man,  and  he  held  her  as  he  danced,  and  their  move- 
ments were  strangely  rhythmic  and  strangely  disturbing.  .Wherefore  they  were  returned  unto  Babylon 
and  from   thence   unto  their  own   people.   _And   the  queen — 

Here  the  description  ends,  but  above   it  is  this  drawing,  and  the   interpretation   is  open  to  any  who  may 
read  and  observe. 

s 

The  Caress  Mihtant 

I  took  her  little  hand  in  mine 

And  smiled  to  see  the  contrast  there; 

For  it  was  soft  and  sweet  and  fair. 

And  mine  was  hard  and  far  from  fine. 

— and  from  aesthetic. 

She  laid  her  hand  upon  my  cheek — 

But  not  caressing  me.  or  playing; 

And   now   I    hear  the   Doctor  saying. 

"You  may  get  out  next  week  some  time." 

— she  is  athletic.  G.  V.  B. 

s _ 


Dance  Moon 

A  wraith  of  smoke  on  a  suimner  breeze. 

A  imrple  haze  over  nivstic  seas; 

117(0  (-(ires  for  inoonUght  iHioi  .siniinirr  is  f/niu 

The  moods  is  a  dream — sweet  is  flie  dance. 

Conquering  fate  with  a  luoken  lance — 

Aflcr  moo)i-srt  fiooii  comes  the  ddini. 

— C.  !•:.  N. 


I'iik  her  iiji  icmh-rly 
Fasliioned  witli  cai-c 
Tjook  at  lier  lovinjjly 
Ain't  she  hear? 
Look  a  I  that  eyes  boy. 
Aim!  j;ay.<'  on  lliosc  liaii'. 

J'ick   licr  lip  <;ciitly,  siie 
Isn't  all  tiiei-c. 


— (J.  V.  B. 


—17- 


mcEN 


Is  that  gentlemen  over  tliere 
thinking  about  buying  the  phice? 

Oil,  no.  He's  my  kitl  brother — ■ 
kee])ing  up  the  senior  traditions. 


Official  Directory  of 
Coeds 

I'erfeet  thirty  six — Nice  girls. 
Smile  sweetly.  Dance  well.  I'ret- 
ty  ankles.  I>egs  |)ossil)ly  a  bit  loo 
skinny.  J'lenty  of  pejt.  Inclined 
to  tiiink  themselves  quite  the  ber- 
ries, lioll  their  own  socks  and 
eyes,  but  buy  Miles  ready  made. 
Excel  in  their  line. 

Thirty-niue — Preferred  by  some 
to  the  thirty-six  variety.  I'rettier 
on  the  average,  but  somewhat  less 
vivacious  .  Well  rounded  fea- 
tures.   Sweet  voices. 

Forty-three — Pippins,  some  of 
them,  but  have  terrible  looking 
legs.  Have  to  be  excellent  danc 
ers  to  get  by. 

A  possible — Impossible. 
^S 

Teacher — "Take  this  sentence: 
Let  the  cow  out  of  the  lot.  What 
mood  ?" 

Pupil— "The    cow." 

— Texas  Scalper 


A  Mothers  Day  Idyl 


Book  Note 


The  unexpected  visit 

S 


Drawing  ai)art, 
liercely  to  himself, 
together,  man." 


he    whisjicred 

•'I'nll  youi-self 

— (lohliii. 


The  best  book  that  has  been  is- 
sued recently,  to  my  mind,  is  the  vol- 
ume of  contemporary  essays  collected 
by  Christopher  Morley.  It  contains 
in  particular,  an  essay  by  Professor 
S.  P.  Sherman  on  Samuel  Butler, 
which,  if  you  do  not  know  it,  is  well 
worth  pondering.  And  Morley's  pert 
introductory  notes  are  a  delight. 
S 

We've  got  Colgates  and  Wil- 
liams Colleges.  What's  the  matter 
with  Menneus  and  Palmolive  Uni- 
versities'? 

They'd  be  bound  to  have  clean 
s])orts  anyway. 

—A.  L.  S. 
S 

They  used  to  say  politeness  cost 
you  nothing.  But  nowadays  it 
costs  you  your  seat  in  the  car 
every  time. 


"Here  comes  a  new  arrival." 

Second  mosquito — "Good  I  Let's 
stick  him  for  the  drinks."  — Sun 
Dodger. 


-18- 


SIREN 


Piper  Heidsieck 

We  are  having  our  traditions 

Under  various  conditions 

Made  to  order  as  occasion  may  exist. 

Carrying  canes,  wearing  wing  collars 

That  cut  the  throats  of  scholars 

Without  the  least  objection  from  our  midst. 

New  traditions  may  be  nutty 
Make  us  foolish  and  that.     But  we 
Don't  object  as  long  as  one  thing  is  taboo: 
For  the  love  of  Mike  and  Jerry. 
Volstead.  Haig  and  Haig,  and  Sherry, 
Don't  ever  try  to  make  us  Seniors  chew. 

—A.  L.  S. 

s 

YOU  SIR : 

Are  You  Making  the  Most  of  Your 
Latent  Genius  ? 

Come.  come,  iiiy  gootl.  well-ine;uiiiig  friend : 
Why  are  yon  .xo  ilowiicast? 
There's  wealth  aheail  for  you  ami  yoiii-s — 
Your  oliance  has  come  at  last. 

AA'hat  matters  it  your  jm»sent  state — 
The  meuial  work  you  do? 
Full  many  a  wealthy  man  today 
A\'as  once  as  poor  as  you. 

Miss  Mamie  Lowe,  three  yeai-s  ago. 
\Vas  shining  brass  hank  ti.\tures; 
To-day  she's  famous  everywhere — 
She  stars  in  motion  ]iii-tnres. 

The  Reverend  Wren,  in  nineteen  ten. 
AVas  mixing  bar-room  features: 
To-day  he  is  the  greatest  of 
Evangelistic  preachers. 

The  president  of  Keel  and  Kent 
A\'as  brought  up  in  the  gutter: 
To-day  his  nn>uied  wealth  is  ijuite 
Too  much  for  us  to  utter. 

If  y(»u  are  reading  meters,  or 

Are  working  on  a  ranch. 

Don't  be  discoviraged : — you  may  rise 

By  selling  Martin's  pants  I 

•lust  sign  the  slip  attached  below 
If  you  are  after  riches. 
And  we'll  disclose  abundant  wealth — 
You've  but  to  sell  our  britches! 

— Kf.ex  a.  Raffertt. 
S 


Essay  on  Human  Nature 


The  Elephant — My  word,  what   sloi)py  ankles! 

S 

Prediction 

Oh  the  doctors  all  decreed   it: 

The    reformers   guaranteed    it: 

Tomorrow  osculation  pays  the  price. 

Now  it  really   is  provoking. 

But  the  powers  that  be  aren't  joking. 

Unsanitary,  wicked,  but  then  nice. 

It  is  useless  to  beseech  them, 

And  we  hardly  can  impeach  them. 

They  have  us  by  the  throat,  their  grips  are  tight. 

Ah!   a   moonlight  night  advances 

Just   the   thing   for   chance    romances. 

But  there'll  be  no  necking  in  the  world  to-night. 

Now  days  music  comes  by  wire. 

Photos  come   in   by  the  quire. 

And  soon  without  doubt  we'll  hear  the  hiss: 

That  will   rouse  us  from  our  slumbers 

As  senders  get  their  numbers. 

And  a  wireless  wave  comes  burning  with  a  kiss. 

—DON    ALLEN 

s 

Au  advertisement  in  the  Siren  is  a  mark  of  re- 
lial>ility.  Merchants  represented  in  our  pages  are 
representative  merchants.  Moreover,  they  are  in 
close  sympathy  with  student  activities,  and  in  close 
touch  with  student  needs.  They  are.  in  short,  the 
merchants  whouj  studtuts  wil  do  well  to  patronize. 

S 


Those  Girls  Again 


Su  :     1  dread  to  think  of  my  thirtieth  birthday. 
.Mu:     Why.  what  happened'.'  — Widoir. 

' S — 


Think    before    you 
wards. 


drink — it's    too   late   after- 
— Ghost. 


PMitor — This  cartoon  isn't  shaded  enough, 
f'artoonist — Maybe  not:  but  wait'll  you  see  the 
joke  that  goes  with  it.  — Sciilpci: 


—19— 


JIREN 


Editor's  A'oi(s_  Tliix  puyi',  con- 
dueled  hy  0.  D.  Burge,  editor  of 
the  IVuiois  Magazine,  is  devoted 
to  the  darker  side  of  the  ^even 
Arts. 

Oyez ! 

Whether  it  be  because  of  the  wan- 
derlust, or  a  new  affair  and  a  desire 
for  the  exotic,  or  a  projected  trip  to 
France  during  the  summer  months, 
this  page  deals  largely  with  things 
European.  Things  seem  more  inter- 
esting abroad  than  they  do  in  this 
country,  just  now.  May  you  become 
cosmopolitan  for  a  time! 


Grub  Street 

But  recently  thei'e  came  to  me  a 
new  publication  for  aspiring  authors 
and  authorines.  For  fear  of  its  pos- 
sible advertising  gain  I  omit  the  name, 
which  is  not  so  important  after  all.  It 
was  one  of  the  inspiration  magazine 
— the  kind  that  tells  you  that  so  many 
million  dollars  were  made  last  year 
by  amatuers,  that  any  fool  can  write 
scenarios  (which  does  seem  true  after 
one  has  seen  two  or  three  of  the  cur- 
rent offerings  at  this  or  that  cinemato- 
graphic palace),  that  there  is  a  great 
market  for  inspirational,  that  a  certain 
man  made  a  thousand  dollars  last  year 
writing  "Curious  Sayings  of  Children" 
for  various  newspapers,  and  so  on. 
And  the  great  tragedy  is  that  the  pub- 
lication is  only  one  of  dozens.  There 
is  no  immediate  hope  for  an  American 
literature  until  people  begin  looking 
at  writing  in  terms  other  than  those 
of  dollars  and  cents. 

S 

Parlor  Drama 

In  perusing  the  pages  of  a  certain 
popular  periodical  devoted  to  the  dis- 
semination of  things  dramatic,  we 
found  some  of  the  latest  efforts  of  the 
ever  increasing  army  of  one  act  play 
writers.  And  they  were  not  what  we 
would  call  good  plays.  They  were 
rather  the  imaginings  of  a  club  wo- 
man in  Cattle  City,  Kansas,  as  to 
what  armorous  fantasy  should  be,  or 
the  idealized  conceptions  of  a  third 
rate    English    teacher   as    to   the   true 


natures  of  scummy  people.  They  were 
amusing,  though, — for  their  tragic 
failure  to  be  anything  praiseworthy. 
But  then  we  have  had  two  plays  re- 
jected by  the  same  magazine. 


America  Abroad 

There  seems  to  be  a  revival  of  in- 
terest in  American  literature  in  En- 
gland, if  one  is  to  believe  the  publish- 
ers and  reviewers.  In  one  month 
there  were  three  new  editions  of  as 
many  American  authors,  namely,  Ed- 
gar Allen  Poe,  Artemus  Ward,  and 
Walt  WHiitman.  And  that,  it  may  be 
remarked,  is  a  very  strange  trio;  an 
ill-starred,  though  now  appreciated, 
poet;  a  humorist  with  very  little  of 
the  grand  manner;  and  another  poet, 
who,  to  the  exalted  average  American, 
is  something  of  a  literary  anomaly. 
It  is  pleasing,  however,  to  know  that 
something  that  our  writers  have  pro- 
duced is  liked  outside  of  its  own  coun- 
try. 

Theatrical  Migrants 

Notice  has  come  to  hand  that  Mau- 
rice Brown,  who  was  the  moving  spirit 
in  the  Chicago  Little  Theatre,  and  a 
friend  of  Rupert  Broke,  has  become 
connected  Avith  the  Cornish  Little 
Theatre,  in  Seattle,  Washington,  and 
that  he  is  there  repeating  his  previous 
successes  in  theatre  art.  And  there  is 
likewise  news  that  Max  Reinhardt  has 
also  changed  localities,  and  is  now 
carrying  on  his  work  in  Sweden.  His 
present  work  does  not  seem  so  start- 
ling as  it  was  in  his  first  days  in  Ber- 
lin, but  still  shows  definite  signs  of 
the  master  touch.  Would  that  Rein- 
hardt could  come  to  this  country! 
S 

Wanderers 

Sometimes,  when  one  sees  a  man 
whom  he  knows  to  have  travelled  ex- 
tensively, he  immediately  feels  a 
sense  of  romance  and  becomes  aN 
mighty  curious.  One  somehow  feels 
that  this  man  can  do  more  than  tell 
about  town  halls  and  memorial  drink- 
ing fountains,  that  he  has  the  essen- 
tials of  great  adventurous  tales  about 
painted  women  and  hairy  men  within 
him,  and  that  he  should  be  heard. 
That  is  why  I  always  talk  to  tramps, 


when  I  have  money  cr  am  in  not  too 
much  of  a  hurry.  It  so  happens  that  1 
was  not  in  a  hurry  the  other  evening, 
when  I  fell  in  with  a  strange,  gold- 
toothed  old  man,  who  had  tales  to 
tell  of  many  strange  cities  and  men. 
And  he  told  them  well,  for  a  knock- 
about jack-of-all-trades,  as  he  pro- 
fessed to  be.  He  talked  on  and  on, 
and  after  a  time,  we  arrived  at  a  dis- 
cussion of  things  literary.  He  knew 
Shaw,  and  rather  well  at  that,  and  was 
very  fond  of  Sterne  and  Smollett,  and 
was  something  of  a  lay  authority  on 
Italian  literature,  especially  Boccac- 
cio. And  so  on,  until  we  had  di.scuss- 
ed  nitro-glycerine,  radio.  Port  Said, 
rats  and  sinking  ships,  strange  sailor 
men,  Alaska,  thermometers,  prohibi- 
tion, beauty  and  beauties,  "and  cab- 
bages and  kings".  And  then  he  had 
to  go  and  see  how  his  fellow  tramps 
were  getting  on,  and  I  dreamed  that 
night  of  Hyreania  and  Samarcand  and 
lotus   flowers. 

— S 

News  from  Vienna 

Advance  notice  of  a  new  novel  by 
Arthur  Schnitzler  has  just  been  given 
out.  It  is  called  "Doktor  Graesler", 
and  is,  it  seems  to  be  published  in  the 
Dial.  To  those  of  us  who  are  familiar 
with  the  one-act  plays  of  Schnitzler, 
and  especially  the  Anatol  series,  this 
this  is  welcome  news.  While  the  na- 
ture of  the  work  is  not  given,  may  not 
one  expect  a  great  many  good  things 
from  this  gentleman,  who,  we  are  told, 
has  gemutllchkeit  and  is  very  chic? 
S 

Continental  Humor 

My  friend  Whiskers  and  myself,  at 
a  recent  soiree,  drifted  to  the  subject 
of  French  humorous  journals,  and  had 
much  to  say  thereon.  After  many 
words  we  came  to  the  conclusion  that 
the  ideal  magazine  would  be  the  com- 
posite one  madeup  of  La  Vie  Paris- 
lenne,  Le  Sourire.  and  Le  Rire,  the 
first  to  furnish  the  art  work,  the  sec- 
ond the  French  humour,  and  the  third 
humous.  And  we  also  deplored  the 
present  state  that  Simplicisslmus  is 
now  in.  That  publication  is  now  a 
scant  book  of  twelve  pages,  more  than 
half  of  which  are  taken  up  with  adver- 
tisements. Punch  seems  to  be  the 
only  one  that  is  holding  its  own. 


—20— 


JIREN 


A  Homely  Discourse  on  Ob- 
sticles  to  Learning 

(Continued  from  page  KM 
it  all, — how   I  stopped  and  inquired  about   the 
duty   I  was  forced  to  perform. 

My  desire  for  my  books  increased  inverse- 
ly as  1  was  denied  them.  And  it  was  when 
a  grade  teacher  expres.^ed  what  a  great  injus- 
tice it  was  to  keep  a  lad  from  his  books  just 
because  he  could  run  some  errand  in  a  much 
shorter  time,  that  made  an  indelible  impres- 
sion on  my  mind  and  since  it  fitted  in  so  well 
with  my  religion  I  was  determined  to  allow 
no  external   force  to  tear  me   from  my  books. 

To  take  myself  from  the  immediate  sur- 
roundings where  1  would  be  callable  was  the 
inevitable  solution  to  my  problem.  I  recall 
vividly  putting  a  copy  of  "Robinson  Crusoe" 
in  the  front  of  my  blouse  and  climbing  one  of 
the  trees  near  the  house.  Here  I  found  a  very 
comfortable  crotch  where  I  could  sit  without 
fear  of  falling  and  let  my  feet  dangle  in  mid- 
air. 'Twas  such  a  fascinating  spot  that  I  con- 
structed a  temporary  shelf  for  my  library.  I 
was  .desperately  unhappy  a  few  days  later 
when  due  to  my  youthful  forgetfulness  I  found 
my  new  copy  of  Alger's  "Sink  or  Swim,"  warp- 
ed and  stained  by  a  nocturnal  shower. 

Possession  of  this  place  was  only  tempor- 
ary, however,  for  one  day  an  impudent  squirrel 
chanced  to  be  scampering  from  tree  to  tree 
and  seeing  me  content  with  the  book  began 
scolding  me  in  a  most  insulting  manner.  He 
was  persistent  and  succeeded  in  creating  such 
a  furore  that  the  whole  family  came -running 
out  of  the  house  to  find  out  what  was  happen- 
ing. Peering  into  the  leafy  branches  they 
found  me. 

Being  discovered  it  was  foolish  to  return 
to  my  favorite  haunt  so  I  tried  other  trees 
and  the  barn  but  to  no  avail.  At  last  I  re- 
sorted to  the  granery.  Here  I  burrowed  into 
the  oats  bin  until  my  arm  pits  rested  com- 
fortably on  the  surface  of  the  yellow  grain. 
Xow  and  then  the  mice  becoming  bold  would 
scamper  around  the  bin.  at  which  1  had  a  de- 
sire to  catch  them,  but  Ali  Baba  and  the  Fcrly 
Thieves  were  even  more  interesting  to  me  than 
the  mice  who  scurried  about  me. 

But  why  ramble  en?  I  must  admit  that  all 
my  hiding  places  for  stolen  pleasures  were  all 
disclosed  and  that  1  was  open  for  running  er- 
rands. My  younger  days  were  stunted.  1  think 
for  I  had  no  time  to  spend  with  my  printed 
companions. 

And  yet  there  has  been  no  change  frcm  the 
time  when  I  was  a  barefoot  lad  for  now  as  I 
sit  down  to  read  a  book  I  see  many  others  I 
am  compelled  to  read.  Then  too.  there  is  that 
girl  who  needs  attention  and  a  thousand  and 
nine  other  things  all  clamoring  for  a  place  in 
my  short  feverish  life. 

Yes,  I  can  murmur  only,  "II  y  a  toujour 
quelque  damn  chose." 


vJnE  of  those  20-ft.  putts. 
Down  in  four.  A  lucky 
strike,  all  right! 

♦     ♦     ♦ 

When  we  discovered  the  toast- 
ing process  for  cigarette  tobacco 
it  was  a  lucky  strike  for  us. 

LUCKY  STRIKE 
CIGARETTE 

goes  through  just  one  more  proc- 
ess, we  believe,  than  any  other 
brand.    It's  toasted. 

Of  course  this  extra  process 
costs  us  more.  But  the  toasting — 
the  final  touch— seals  in  the  Bur- 
ley  flavor,  and  costs  you  no  more. 

And  smokers  appreciate  this 
extra  point  of  quality.  Millions 
of  them,  apparently,  have  found 
no  taste  as  delightful  as  this  rare 
flavor  of  toasted  Burley  tobacco. 

Try  Lucky  Strike  today.  l_t's 
toasted. 


@  /J      Guaraaiteed  by 


—21- 


HREN 


Bidweirs 


Hot 
Peanuts 

Best 

on  the 

Campus 


Fine  Candies 


I 

I 


Arcade 

Barber  Shop 

Gushing   Bros.   Prop. 


IN  ORDER 
1 

"Cush" 

2 

"Sam" 

3 

"Roy" 

4 

"Mack" 

5 

"Curt" 

Let  us  demonstrate  the 
Scott  Sharpener,  it  gets 
results  from  all  the 
safety  blades  in  exist- 
ence. 

see  "Cush"  He  Knows 


More  Room  For  Action 

She:  J)o  you  believe  that 
women  should  hold  the  reins? 

He:  Sui-ely — and  the  wheel 
too,  if  she  likes  that  kind  of  a 
party. — Pelican. 


Boston   Boy:    "May  I  kiss  you? 
She:    "You    forget    yourself!" 
B.  B.    (in  confusion):    "Please,  may 
I  kiss  you?" 


-S- 


When  the  perspiration's  dripping 

from  your  brow. 
And  you're  standing  in  a  flaming, 

fiery  well. 
And  the  imi)s  with  irons  red  hot 
Are  dancing  on  your  what  not, 
I  ask  you,  ask  you  warndy,  ain't  it 

Hell? 

—A.  L.  S. 

S 


Customer:  "A  little  bird  tells 
me  this  coffee  is  powerful  strong, 
waiter," 

Waiter:  "A  little  bird,  sir? 
What  kind  may  I  ask?" 

Cus :    "A  swallow." 

• — Banter. 


JUST   AS   HELPFT'L 


Sorority  Sister:  Have  you  ever 
read    Kant? 

Knsliee:  No,  l>til  I've  read 
"Don't — For  Young  (xirls,"  — 
(larfjuijle. 


The  Coffee 

that  made  "Sam" 

famous 


Whistle 
Inn 


TRY  OUR 

AFTER  LIBRARY 

LUNCHES 


Across  from  the 
Chem  Building 


I 

I 


Corona 

The  Personal  Writini  Machine 


THAT'S  how  easy  it  is  to 
pay  for  Corona,  the 
little  6'  2-pound  typewriter 
you  can  fold  up,  take  with 
you,  write  \vith  anywhere. 
Phone  us  today  for  a  free 
demonstration, 

R.    C.    WHITE    &    CO. 
612    E.    Green 


-22— 


HREM 


+._._—————— ——4. 

SPECIFY 
on    your   parly   order 

Berryman's 

Purity 

Bakery  Goods 


And    you'll   be    pleased,   both    as 
to  quality  and  service. 


♦ 


Berryman  Bakery 

213  S.  Neil 
ON  THE  WAY  TO  TOWN 


^ ._„_._„._„_.._.._.._,<. 


Griffith  and  Company  Abroad 

lately  there  came  to  the  town  a 
cinema  called  "The  Two  Orphans", 
which  most  discriminating  people 
found  rather  bad  as  a  dramatic  at- 
tempt. Across  the  Atlantic,  however, 
the  picture  has  hud  a  more  fortunate 
career.  If  we  are  to  believe  Le  The- 
atre, it  bad  a  very  happy  lime  in 
France,  and  two  pages  of  its  "stills" 
were  printed  in  the  aforementioned 
magazine.  This  may  be  due  to  the 
fact  that  the  citizens  are  still  in  love 
with  the  Revolution,  and  are  still  fond 
of  anything  that  purports  to  liberty, 
and  for  that  reason  found  the  polemic 
captions  quite  to  their  taste,  unless 
(oh  happy  thought)  they  had  been 
changed.  •  *  *  "Little  Lord  Fauntle- 
roy"  with  Mary  Pickford  in  a  dual 
role,  and  "Be  My  Wife"  also  found  a 
warm  welcome,  probably  because  they 
were  directed  by  a  Frenchman,  Max 
Linder. 

S 

Waste:  "I  don't  like  the  air  in 
here." 

Paper:  "Shall  I  open  the  window 
or  kill  the  orchestra  leader?" 

—Frivol. 


+— 


Your  Account 

Will  Be  Welcome 

At  This  Bank 


No  red  tape  and  no  charges 

for  opening  an  account 

with  us 


First  State  Bank 


URBANA 


4... 


*■■ 

I 


1 


— ^ 
I 

§ 

I 

a 

I 

i 

I 

s 

I 

I 

I 

a 

I 
I 


A  Good  Place  To 

EAT 


Gilliland's  Cafeteria 

117  South  Race  Street— Urbana 


+t-» 


-23— 


SIREN 


— + 


McEVILLY 
w  BROWN 

Shoe  Repairing 

Cleaning  and 
Pressing 


We  carry 

a  full  line  of  polishes 

and  laces. 


ORPHEUM  BXJILDING  and 
403  EAST  GREEN 


Grimm 

Little  Sister:  Do  fairy  stories 
always  start  "Once  npon  a  time?" 

Big  Sister:  No.  Some  of  lliein. 
dear,  start  witli  "I  liave  to  study 
at     the    library     toniuht."— .!/(///■ 


-"— * 


The  Contrast 

•'Hy  ^orry.  I'lii  tired  '." 

"There  yon  go;  You're  tired. 
Jlere  1  he  astandin'  over  a  hot 
stove  all  day,  an'  you  wui-l<in'  in 
a  nice,  cool  sewer."  — M(i><s('s. 


-S- 


"How   was    the    diiiuei''" 
"().  K." 

"What   did  the  ladies  wear?" 
"Dniuio.     I  couldn't  see  under 
t lie  tahle." — Prlicaii. 

S 


„„ ,11, „4* 


Prof. :  You  must  try  to  he  good. 
Don't  von   want  to  he  IooIumI   up 

to?" 

Co-ed:       "Oh,     I'd     rather     he 
looked  around  at." — Orange  Perl. 


Let  Pictures 
Tell  Your  Story 


Take  Home  a  series  of 
events  pictures  showing 
the  life  life  of  tlie  sclinol 
year  at  Illinois.  Pictures 
in  great  variety,  sliown  by 
sample,  and  filed  by  num- 
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♦ 


j         Strauch 

J  Photo-Craft  House 

I 

s     The  home  of  good  Kodakfinishin 
I 


Gifts 

For  Graduation 


4>  -^^  v^*  4 


We  have  just  received  ship- 
ments of  Leather  Pillows,  Table 
Scarfs,  IMemory  Books  in  cloth 
and  leather,  and  extra  fine  wiit- 
ing  sets  in  leather.  We  can  also 
show  you  numerous  other  gifts, 
just  the  kind  for  the  graduate. 


<♦♦:♦♦:♦ 


Knowlton  &  Bennett 

URBANA 


Sports  Shirts! 

THERE'S  a  new  sports  shirt  just 
out!     Built  for  free  swing.     Yet 
ti-im.     With  a  pocket  for  makin's. 

VAUGHN-MCIMOND 

SHOPj'or  MEN 

Correct  Haberdashery 


-24- 


HKEM 


No    Dialtfr   haw    you   scrub    ami 

scour 
Hrfresltment   conns   hcnratli    the 

shower. 

— from   the   [■rinerbs  of  Mr.    Quuk 


YOVW  bath  is  not  com- 
plete without  a  shower. 
Wlien  you  get  tired  ex- 
lieiinienting  with  little  rub- 
I)er  hose  toys  have  us  put 
a  man-sized  shower  up  for 
you. 


L.  W.  Apperson 

URBANA 

Main  90G  120  S.  Race  St. 


4. — — 


Bats 

For  a  month  or  so  now,  there  has 
been  playing  in  New  York  the  Bat 
Theater,  whose  original  home  was  in 
Moscow.  It  is  of  course  representa- 
tive of  the  modern  in  every  sense. 
One  critic  has  called  it  "vaudeville 
gone  to  heaven."  But  it  is  a  very 
strange  sort  of  heaven  and  the  Gate  is 
all  out  of  perspective.  And  there  is 
a  sophisticated  caprice  in  the  bold 
colors  of  the  decorations  that  will 
give  one  turpinism  for  weeks.  The 
eye  gets  mixed  up  in  the  red  and  gilt 
and  tires  itself  out  chasing  its  own 
tail.  For  the  melange  is  anything  but 
conventional.  The  humor  has  what 
we  of  the  West  like  to  call  the  "con- 
tinental tang,"  but  it  has  evidently 
been  sublime  enough  to  make  the 
thing  a  paying  proposition.  It  would 
seem  that  the  "Chauve  Souris,"  for 
that  is  its  formal  name,  is  much  more 
than  a  curiosity,  and  is  really  acliiev- 
ing  something.  Perhaps  it  is  doing 
for  vaudeville  what  the  Theatre  Libre 
did  for  the  "legit." 

^S 

.Mlsllcldc  is  like  a  pair  of 
\vat('r\\iii};s.  After  you  use  tlicni 
a  few  Mnics  yoii  iloii't  iiccil  Ihcni. 
— CiitblUi. 


The 

Management 

of 

Your 
Store 

wishes  to  express 

their  appreciation 

of  the  loyal 

support  of  the 

student   body   for 

the  past  school 

year 

<s> 

Engineers'  Co-op 
Society 

J.  R.  Lindley,  Manager 

Roneyard  and  Mathews 
URBANA,   ILL. 


I 

I 

3 

I 


DICK  MINER 

Plumbing  and  Heating  Contractor 


IDEAL  HEATING 
BOILERS 


Phone  Main  5G1 


219  West  Main   Street 
URBANA.  ILLINOIS 


HREN 


<.._„_.„_, „_.._. ~ — . » — -f. 


Cafeteria 

610  East  Green  St. 


Popular  Prices 


4..—. — „„_„_. „_. . ._._. -_„+ 


Hot  and  Cold 
Ice  Cream 


Eat  ice  cream  in  the  summer  because 
it  is  frozen,  and  will,  in  melting,  elim- 
inate a  certain  amount  of  your  excess 
heat.  Eat  it  in  the  winter  because  the 
butter-fat,  eggs,  and  sugar  in  ice  cream 
are  all  efficient  heat-producers. 

Only  be  sure  that  the  cream  you  get 
is  ours.  Then  you  can  be  sure  that  it 
not  only  will  have  the  flavor  that  has 
made  it  the  favorite,  but  you  will  have 
the  assurance  that  the  ingredients  will 
be  of  the  highest  standard  of  quality 
and  purity.  It  pays  to  insist  on  our  ice 
cream. 

Phones: 
Garfield  2107 
Main  175 

Champaign  Ice  Cream  Co. 

111-115  E.  University  Street 


I 
I 


I 

E 

I 

E 

■■* 


Going  Home  From  the  Shan  Kive 

(Continued  from  page  10) 

In  reply  I  remarked  that  I  thought  my  conver- 
sation with  her  was  occupying  somewhat  more  than 
half  the  time. 

"Well,  the  idea  !"  was  her  only  response,  and  she 
became  yet  more  taciturn  than  the  other.  Tliat  of 
course  <;ave  me  the  coveted  ojiport unity  of  coiitinu- 
in<;  tlie  line  1  had  stai-ted.  The  accdiiipaiiying  pleas- 
ure was  of  short  diiratioii,  liowcNcr;  lor  witliin  sixty 
seconds  we  ha<l  readied  her  house. 

Slie  absent-mindedly  kissed  me  good  night,  and 
1  continued  the  march  with  tlie  otJier  girl,  who,  dur- 
ing our  walk,  which  was  hapiiily  not  long,  spoke  to 
me  in  only  the  most  curt  fashion. 

At  last  we  stood  upon  the  ])orch  of  Iter  house. 

"(lood  night",  said  I.  "I've  had  a  iimisI  enjoy- 
able  walk  liome  with  you,  and " 

"Tliat  was  just  because  that  litth'  clown  was 
along  too,"  she  snai)i)ed. 

"A\'liy,  I  iissure  you  no  such  thing  has  inllueiiced 
my  saying  that  my  walk  with  you  was  nu)st  pleas- 
ureable.  Your  line  was  tlie  most  refreshing  I've 
heard  lor  a  long  time,  and  yon  cei-tainly  have  very 
sensible  ideas.  Mayn't  I  have  a  date  with  you  to 
Bradlev  a  week  from  Fridav'?     1  should  greatlv  en- 


Good  Luck!  Illini 


We 

Appreciate 

Your 

Support 

In  Our 

Success. 


Twin  City  Cafe 

621  E.  Green  St. 


We   trill   hr   open  (ill  .sunniiri- 


I 
I 


1 
I 

9 

! 
I 

H 

-+ 


—26- 


smm 


joy  your  company  some  linn-  wlioii  tlicrc  is  no  fircat- 
er  attraction  along." 

Aud  even  at  that,  she  inipctuously  rel'uscil,  and 
cntcilug  the  house,  shuinned  the  door  in  my  face. 

^^'ill  you  he  damned? 

S 

Fiis.sy  Ohl  (ieiitU'nian  (hoaidin<j  a  street  car)  : 
'Voii  have  very  clumsy  steps." 

hate  ("ondnctor   (talcinj-;  the  tiling  entirely  too 
personally  I  :    ••Well,  what  do  you  e.xjiect  for  a  nickel 
— I'avlowa?"                                      — Yale  Rrrord. 
S 

Roadhouse  Knight 

A  starving  tr.inip  stopped  at  a  kitchen  in  t'ali- 
t'urnia  and  asked  for  food. 

••You  like  tisir/"  asked  the  ("hine.se  cook. 
••Yes,"  replied  the  tranij)  eagerly. 
'•All  lite,  come  aronml  Fliday." 

■ — M  uiiintiit  ji. 
S 

Rillie — Jly  dad  ninsi  have  lieen  ilreadTnlly 
wicked  when  he  was  a  hoy. 

liob— Why-/ 

Billie — "Cos  lie  knows  so  exactly  what  (pu'slions 
to  ask  nie  when  lie  wants  to  know  what  I  have  been 
doing. — III jHiii  All n  rl ixir. 


RAY  L.  BOWMAN 

JEWELRY  CO. 

Hamilton  Building.  Champaign 


Expert  Watch  and  .fewelrj'  re- 
pairing, under  supervision  of 
fonipetent  workmen.  Vei-j-  latest 
stationei-y  with  colored  inii)ort- 
ed  linings.  For  inuisuul  gifts, 
see  us.     Prices  moderate. 


MISS  HAY  L.  COWAIAX 
Manager 


I 

! 

I 


Would  you: 


? 


If  your  watch  needed  repairing, 
would  you  take  it  to  a  Black- 
smith ? 

Then  why  have  your  Plumbing 
or  Heating  repaired  by  some  one 
who  is  incompetent? 


WE    HAVE    ONLY 
SKILLED  MECHANICS 


TRY  US 


JOHNSON  BROS. 

Sanitary   and   Heating   Engineers 

402  N.  Neil  St. 

CHAMPAIGN,  ILLINOIS 

Both  Phones 


I  I 
1  I 
I  I 
I  I 
I  ' 
I 
I 
I 


It  Costs  No  More  to  Buy  a  Kelly 


Not  only  is  the  Kant-Slip  Cord  sure-footed 
when  it  i.s  new,  but  because  the  tread  is 
built  up  straight  instead  of  following  the 
contour  of  the  tire,  it  wears  down  evenly 
and  retains  its  non-.skid  qualities  till  the  end. 

CHURCHILL,  BENGSTON  &  MILLER 

URBANA,  ILL. 


^'■— 


■+      +- 


-27- 


SOdU 


I  Don't  Be  A  Flapper 

Be  sensible. 

Use  our  Electric 
Curlers  to  keep  your 
liair  looking  at  its  best. 
Made  in  large  and  small 
wave  size. 


■"•?•  Ad  Valorem 

She  (pouting)  :  "You  don't 
\;ilne  my  kisses  as  you  used  to." 

He:  "Value  tLem?  Why,  I)e- 
foi-e  we  were  married  I  used  to  ex- 
]iect  a  dozen  in  payment  for  a  box 
of  candy,  and  now  I  consider  only 
one  of  them  sufficient  payment  for 
a  new  dress." 

— Boston  Transcript. 

S 

"l>id  either  yoiir  wife  or  your 
ear  get  injured  in  the  acident  yes- 
terday ?■■ 

"Not  very  iiiucli.  Just  a  little 
paint  chipjied  off  hotli." 

— Lampoon. 

S 

Dix:  "Do  yon  play  on  the 
]iiano?"' 

Xix  :  "Had  to  give  it  up.  Fell 
ulf  111!)  many  times."  .    — (lohlin. 

S 

^\'liy  don't  those  h()rrid  spectacles 
Kejiose  on  .limiiiy  Sad'? 
May  is  the  ap]ile  of  Ids  eye 
And  Mav  is  looking  had. 


Thank 
You 


In  this  last  issue  for 
the  year,  we  wish  to 
thank  you  for  the 
patronage  given  us 
and  trust  that  when 
you  r  e  t  II  r  n  to  your 
studies  in  the  fall,  you 
will    "still    remember" 


Pease  Print  Shop 

22  Main  St.  Garfield  2246 

CHAMPAIGN 


— + 


^1 


"Milk-Fed"  Poultry 


There  is  a  difference  in 

our  Milk-fed  Poultry 


HCiTGLS  CAFES 
P[fi(f1S  CARS 

F(?AT£RCS(T(£S 
50RCR(neS 


51  ehester  Street 


PAMP  ¥I¥I 


PACKER  6F 


r-N/OvIM   '305 


G>2<R    1536 


M.PAUL  TICK  MGR. 


n£AT5P£^(A(LT(ES 
C(-\£ESE 


(9 hampeviin  111. 


-28- 


jm 


and 


Brunswick 

Columbia 

Records 


Special     prices    on    SaxD- 
pliones,  Tenor  Banjos, 
and    all    string- 
instruments 


Terms  on  Grand  pianos  to 

fraternities  and  sororities 

We  also  give  special  tenns 

on  furniture 


G.  W.  Lawrence 

112  West  Wain  Street 
URBANA 


+- 


A\'oirt  yu\i  pli;;is('  kiss  nit'  <;(hu1 
nij;lit'' 

I'oiilisliI  Can  you  imagine  nie 
kissinj;-   you    {jixkI    ni;;lit' 

1   sure  can  ! 

'I'licn  do  I  (!(iuil  iiiiilil.  — }'<ii) 
l)n<i. 


Dni-  Clerk:  "What  kiml  of  a 
IcKit  lilinisli  di)  villi  waul  ? 

( "iisdimci' :  "Miili  iiic  a  Mf;  (inc. 
Imiss.      hare's  ten   in   my   t'anilily." 


lODI'CATKI*    l»(»(i 

"I, ay  down,  piiii.  I^aydowii. 
That's  a  jjood  doi;i;ic.  i.aydown. 
I    t(dl   yon." 

".Mister,  you'll  ha\c  to  say.  'Lie 
down."  lie's  a  Hostdii  terrioi-." — 
.\(iNlirillc  TniiicNxcaii. 


Weary  Willie  .says— "T'other 
day  1  saw  a  cldcken  jump  over 
tliiee  worms  to  chase  another 
cliicUeii  with  one  worm.  Looke'' 
riulit   Imnian." 


Are  You 

Particular 
About  Food 
Qualities? 


The  more 

you  are 

the  better 

vou'll  like 


OSTRAND'S 

606  S.  Tliirrl 


G.  A.  OSTRANT) 
PAUL  GRADY  '22 


Always  ]int  ott'  tonight  w'hat 
you  are  going  to  put  on  in  the 
morning. — Tester. 


I 


For  Drinks  and  Light  Lunches 


1 


Give  Her 


When  Down  Town 

Schuler  Bros. 


Home  Made 
Candies 


j\Iain  Street 


Champaign 


Candies  That  Satisfy  And  Drinks  That  Please 


Also  —  A  special  line  of  Whitman  & 
Morses  boxed  chocolates 


'The  Home  of  the  Famous  Boston" 


—  you  know  the  kind — 

—29— 


Q 


riueu  uut 

igareltes 


You  carit  help  bul  [ike  ihemi 

TAey  are  DIFFERENT -T^ey  aie  GOOD 


HREN 


Ciislomev — AVliat  arc  (lie  least  exiK'iisivc  ralliiij::     +>——..—". — — . — —. . — „_„_„_,. —  + 

cards  you  Lavi"? 

Stationery    ("lei-k  —  A    royal    lliisii,    iiiailaiii.     - 
I'iger. 

S 

J^aiidlord — I  refjret  to  say  that  your  lease  has 
exidrcHl. 

Teliaiil  —  I     llioiii;ht    somebody    had,   Jlldjiiiij;    liy 
the  odor  ahout  llu'  plaee. — I'lirplc  Voir. 
S 


Fadier — How  is  it  that  you  use  so  lillle  j;aso- 
line  when  driving? 

Son — Isn't  lo\e  a  wonderful  lliini;'.'      H'/'/o/e. 
S 

A  lad  was  making  mud  figures  in  the  roail, 
when  an  interested  passerby  (|Ucstioned  him  as  to 
wiiat  lie  was  making.  Said  the  lad,  "I  am  making 
Irishmen  ont  of  nnid." 

"\^'hy  can't  yoti  make  ICnglisLmcn ?"  asked  the 
man,  anui.sed. 


"The  mud  ain't  thick  enough. 

S 


-Medley. 


^^'hen  ice  cream  grows  on  macai-oni  trees, 

When  Sahara's  sands  are  muddy; 
AVhen  cats  and  dogs  wear  B.  \'.  D.'s, 
That's  the  time  I  like  to  study. 

—Gh'ixl. 


Be  in 
Season— 


\^'llen    you    slep    back    home 

after  school  is  ovei-. 

This    means    yon    slioidd    be 

wearing: 

u  slrair  Inil 

a  KUIHllicf  yliiil 

and  a  ininii  ircdilicr  miriil 


Men  find 
trading  here 
enjoyable 


Ge/vim 

C/CIOTHES    SHOP 

"Clolher.  That   M.ike   the   MniV— 510   E-  Crco.i 


MOOREHEAD  FURNITURE  COMPANY 

Neil   nnd   University   Avenue  CHAMPAIGN,    ILL. 


1 
I 


We  Are  Especially  Well 

Equipped  in  Our  Rug 

Department 


E 


VEKYTHIXd  in  Home  Furnish 
iugs.  A  most  comj)lete  line  of 
Furniture,  for  every  room  or  use  in 
(he  home. 

l''eaturing      all      re(]uirenients      for 
Clubs,  p'raternitv,  and  Sorority  houses. 


-31— 


HfiEN 


Pll()T()-l:N(iR/WINriS 
EtCI11N(kS        ^ 

^  Color  Plates  € 

\\    In(lis|)ensal)Ie  to    h 

\/    Ihe  sutcesstul    \f 

publication 


GPGRUBB&CO 

ENGRAVERS 


I 

4... 


Moons 


By  CiiAKLEs   Ei).Mrxii    Xdves. 

'I'ln-  iHllhlowu  rosi-  is  j;i;iii(Il'1-, 
Hill  till'  rose's  petals  fall, 

Aii(]  the  bud  will  he  a  hhissoiu 
AVheii  the  rose  is  not  at  all. 

The  Inll  inodii  may  he  hi'ij;hter, 
But  the  1110011  al   fiill  will  wane. 

Anil  the  nienioiy  of  the  yoiiiii;  moon 
\\'itli  its  romance,  will  remain. 


"It   won't    lie   loiij;   now",    remarked    Ihe   [ihiloso- 
])her  as  the  train  ran  o\er  his  nose. 


Some  fellows  swear  off  on  New  Year's,  hut  a  lot 
more  swear,  off  and  on,  thr<nigh  the  whole  yeai-. 

■ OcilljIIIK. 

s ■■ — 

An  npjier  classman  said  to  a  freshman  girl: 
"Stay  away  from  that  fellow.  He's  clever  and  wick- 
ed ami  not  at  all  the  sort  for  you." 

The  devil  made  another  notch  on  the  handle  of 
his  pitchfork.  — Malteaser. 


ILLINI  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


PRINTERS  AND  PUBLISHERS 


-32— 


Man-Made  Lightning 

FRANKLIN  removed  some  of  the  mystery.     But 
only  recently  has  science  really   explained  the 
electrical  phenomena  of  the  thunderstorm. 

Dr.  C.  P.  Steinmetz  expounds  this  theory.  Rain- 
drops retain  on  their  surfaces  electrical  charges, 
given  off  by  the  sun  and  other  incandescent  bodies. 
In  falling,  raindrops  combine,  but  their  surfaces  do 
not  increase  in  proportion.  Hence,  the  electrical 
pressure  grows  rapidly.  Finally  it  reaches  the  limit 
the  air  can  stand  and  the  lightning  flash  results. 

And  now  we  have  artificial  lightning.  One  million 
volts  of  electricity — approximately  one  fiftieth  of  the 
voltage  in  a  lightning  flash — have  been  sent  success- 
fully over  a  transmission  line  in  the  General  Engineer- 
ing Laboratory  of  the  General  Electric  Company. 
This  is  nearly  five  times  the  voltage  ever  before 
placed  on  a  transmission  line. 

Much  valuable  knowledge  of  high  voltage  phenom- 
ena— essential  for  extending  long  distance  trans- 
mission— was  acquired  from  these  tests.  Engineers 
now  see  the  potential  power  in  remote  mountain 
streams  serving  in  industries  hundreds  of  miles  away. 

Man-made  lightning  was  the  result  of  ungrudging 
and  patient  experimentation  by  the  same  engineers 
who  first  sent  15,000  volts  over  a  long  distance 
thirty  years  ago. 

"  Keeping  everlastingly  at  it  brings  success." 
It  is  difficult  to  forecast  what  the  results  of  the  next 
thirty  years  may  be. 


General^Electric 


General  Office 


Cooipany 


Schenectady,  N.  Y. 

5S-4SSHD 


Archer 

Arrow  collar 

INTRODUCTION  FOR  SPRING  AND 
SUMMER  IS  A  COLLAR  MADE  IN 
A  NEW^  WAY -A  LIGHT  FLEXIBLE 
COLLAR  THAT  IS  NE\\^  IN  STYLE 
6^  VERY  COMFORTABLE  IN  ^VEAR 

ClUETT.PEABODY  6>CO.lNC.    CMAKEnS.  TROY, N.Y. 


^ 


FRD  , 


I 


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w> 


>^'  » 


UNIVERSITY  OF  ILLINOIS-URBANA 


3  0112  043294492 


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