T5-5
THE
ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS
Are now comprised in three volumes, uniformly bound, price $1.50,
each sold separately, entitled :
FIRST SERIES,
SECOND SERIES,
THIRD SERIES.
To say that these criticisms of ORPHEUS C. KERR are universally known, ad
mired, and laughed over, would be superfluous. Their inimitable wit
and sarcasm have made the author famous, and since his let
ters have been published in book form their circu
lation on both sides the Atlantic has been
enormous. *** Copies will be
sent by mail free, on
receipt of price,
$1.50,
by
G. W CARMTTOX, Publisher,
Mew York.
Drama of the period. Grand Pas ^ ARGUMENT
by principal artisr. To which are added bird s-eye
view? (v~ the Negro and Corkasian races.
SMOKED GLASS
ORPHEUS C. KERR,
AUTHOR OF "ORPHEUS C.KERR PAPERS," "AVERT GLIBUN," ETC.
WITH ILLUSTRATIVE ANACHRONISMS BY THOMAS WORTH,
Vo e vo eV\
V\
NEW YORK:
G, W. CAI\LETON,
LONDON: S. LOW, SON, & CO.
MDCCCLXVIII.
Entered, accoiSi#\o Ac* ofCcJn^ejs^ipthe year 1868, by
In the Clerk s o f&WoftfielMstrifet Cwtrt A1fti Setitliern District of New
York.
ROCKWELL & ROLLINS, STEKEOTYPERS AND PKINTEES,
122 Washington Street, Boston.
CONTENTS.
VEBBA SESQUIPEDALIA
LETTER I.
Narrating a pleasing Anecdote of New Jersey; describing the friendly
Visit of an exciting Journalist to an able military Candidate for the
Presidency; noting the disinterested Organization of the "Grand
Mackerel Army ofjbhe Republic; " and giving the truly American
Song and Story with which that Organization was partly celebrated, 17
LETTER II.
Illustrating, by a moral Connecticut Tale, the Fallacy of that political
Inspiration which is derived from the Graves of great Men ; pictur
ing the solemn Impeachment of A. Johnson at the Bar of the
Senate, and showing the great public Demoralization ensuing
therefrom, 37
LETTER III.
Wherein our Correspondent not only introduces a fashionable Washing-
tonian Belle, but also audaciously takes Advantage of a Delay in
Impeachment to address himself exclusively to the stylish young
Maidens of the Period, 49
LETTER IV.
Explaining the surprising Equanimity of a Nation under complicated
Misfortunes by the parallel Case of a great Philosopher of the
Sixth Ward; confessing the inexplicable Levity produced by the
honest Sentiments of a solid Boston Man; and celebrating the
Grand Opening of the Theatre of War with the Spectacular Drama ,
of Impeachment, 65
V
iviG7480
VI CONTENTS.
LETTER V.
Introducing an impecunious but loyal Southern Cavalier; depicting a
gorgeous stage Procession in the mighty Spectacle of Impeach
ment; reporting the unexampled and convincing inaugural Argu
ment of Manager Butler, and the visible Consternation of nervous
Auditors thereat, . . . . , . . . . . 77
LETTER VI.
Which Attempts the sublime, but succeeds to a certain Extent only; yet
quotes favorite Passages from the prevailing Drama as they are
being simultaneously ground out, to great Applause, by "Organs"
all about the Country, 88
LETTER VII.
Charging the Radicals with the continued and exasperating wet
Weather; setting forth the great Wrong done to the Conservative
Kentucky Chap; repeating a Conversation in the Boxes and Scene
on the Stage of the Theatre of War; remarking the first of the
Soliloquies for the Defence ; and announcing a Visit from the dire
ful " Ku-Klux Klan,"
LETTER VIII.
Chanting an astonishing Lay in honor of clear Weather once more;
irreverently likening the stately Abode of Congress to a Stomach ;
mentioning an attempted Speculation with Captain Samyule Sa-
mith, in real Estate, at Taikachor Court House; and sampling
Andrew Nelson s Soliloquy, 107
LETTER IX.
Being a veracious Account of the unparalleled Match against Nature by
the "American Proof-Reader " and the "Boston Marvel;" and
its inevitably tragical Termination, . . . . .119
LETTER X.
Moralizing upon the certain Result of Vice-Presidency; giving the
curious Epitaph of a victim of Eloquence; presenting the principal
Gems of a Guano Matinee; and recording the Enthusiasm of the
Populace over the last of the Impeachment Speeches, . . 130
CONTENTS. VII
LETTER XI.
Taking a hopeful View of the Future of American Art; affording valu
able Hints to the coming great Historical Painter; and showing
how a sudden and unprecedented Outbreak of Morality caused a
lamentable "Hitch" in the great final Transformation Scene of the
majestic Drama of Impeachment, 140
LETTER XII.
Narrating the sudden Journey of our Correspondent and Others to tho
South on a Mission of Reconstruction; illustrating the usual Gym
nastic Perils of American Railroad Travel ; and portraying how the
writer and Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, were received by a
renowned Confederacy, 150
LETTER XIII.
Ushering in the Lady of the Chateau with all tho Forms and Graces ;
introducing Croquet and one of its usual Results; and recording
the direful Mistake of an unsuspecting Union Officer, . . . 163
LETTER XIV.
Chronicling the arrival of P. Penruthers as u Suitor; the ancient feudal
Ceremonies thereat; and the dreadful Demeanor of the Nobility at
the ensuing Banquet, . . . . . . . . .172
LETTER XV.
Citing an Incident of the Southern Postal Service; interpolating an
Impeachment Note from Washington, and a vague Wordsworthian
Parody; and " conservatively " touching upon the Presidential
Nomination of the last Mackerel General by a classical Convention, 182
LETTER XVL
Showing how a disloyal Telegraph did pervert and mispunctuate the
Mackerel General s "Letter of Acceptance; "and spiritedly depict
ing the great Munchausen Hunt and its lame ntable Ending, . 194
LETTER XVII.
Illustrating the tremendous- extraneous Influence of largo-sized Names;
and describing the most passionate and contemptuous Love Scene
ever beheld in fashionable Southern Society by a Yankee Varlet, 206
VIII CONTENTS.
LETTER XVIII.
Casually explaining the unique Latin Motto of an ancient House; but
chiefly devoted to a brilliant Chivalric Tournament, and showing
how the Nobility and Gentry demeaned themselves on that knightly
Occasion, . 215
LETTER XIX.
Paying a handsome Tribute to Woman ; introducing a Bride, and Prepa
rations for the JBridal; giving the Origin and Plan of Chipmunk
Cathedral; sketching a grand Southern Ritualistic Wedding; and
showing how our Correspondent was once " up to Snuff," . . 225
LETTER XX.
Recording a Day s Excursion up the Potomac; analyzing a Straw
berry Festival, and reporting some of the Orations at Susper
College Commencement, 240
LETTER XXI.
Which dilates upon the military Mind as affected by Southern Experi
ence ; shows how a deserving Southern Unionist was fearfully and
wonderfully tried by Mackerel Court-Martial ; and explains how
Captain Munchausen, being fully Reconstructed, sent Greetings to
the United States of America, and terminated this eventful
History, 249
APPENDIX, 259
SMOKED GLASS.
VERBA SESQUIPEDALI A.
" A FEW words by way of introduction," as an author
frequently remarks, with much native ease of manner,
when about to astonish such weak-minded readers as pe-
ruee prefaces, with some pages of strictly moral informa
tion.
Instruction as to the finely subtle significance of cer
tain passages in the appended work, which but for such
explanation might seem to have no particular meaning at
all, is, of course, the apparent purpose of those few
words; but, in a majority of cases, it is their genuine
intent to hint, very clearly, that the author of the book
should not be ignominiously forgotten in the book itself,
and that he takes this opportunity to step casually before
the curtain of Chapter I., and be modestly surprised at the
ensuing applause.
Having devised the sinister plan of inserting his signa
ture a full score of times in the historical volume which
is herewith submitted to the public at a remarkably low
price, the present writer may forego the solemnity of such
sentences as, " The more thoughtful reader scarcely need
9
10 BOOK-BUYER S REVENGE.
be told that the following pages have a deeper," etc.
" Something beyond the mere frivolous amusement of an
idle hour is intended by," etc. He may also venture to
stop addressing "the reader" in terms (inasmuch as
in&s d; title; Applies as well to editors, studious
inmates. of .charitable, institutions, and other persons, who
really solvent individual who
patronizes the bookseller), and inscribe what he has here
in store to the honest retail book-buyer.
As the honest retail book-buyer now scanning this page
has, presumedly, committed himself beyond all redemp
tion by paying for the volume beforehand, it is scarcely
worth while to treat even him with any particular cere
mony; and if the absence of any farther propitiatory
phrases should happen to strike him as a sign of disrespect,
he is hereby coldly authorized to get back his money if
he can. Nothing being certain in this world, however,
and the failure of a high-handed outrage of the latter kind
coming within the range of human possibilities, it is to be
hoped, for the sake of his family, that he will not make a
fool of himself in the event of ill success, but quietly sub
mit to the inevitable and go on with his reading. He has
the book, the bookseller will not take it back again ; and
if his bad temper thereat must have some vent, let him
seize the first opportunity to recommend a similar purchase
to his mother-in-law.
Not to trifle with the miserable man any longer, and
supposing his possession of any intelligence whatever to be
SMOKED GLASS. 11
purely a matter of vague conjecture, let it be explained
for his instruction, that wSen his superiors wish to behold
an Eclipse of the Sun, or any other solar entertainment,
without injury to their eyes, they use Glass which has been
Smoked and that this sensible medium of astronomical
vision not only protects the human sight from, harmful
confusion of objects, but also presents to it the celestial
luminary freed from all extraneous glare and rigidly re
duced to his true proportions. Viewed through such a
medium, the gorgeous, blazing sun, undergoing eclipse,
looks lamentably like an apothecary s most lurid show-
bottle suffering serious encroachment from a dinner-pot,
and the revelation is calculated to impress feeble minds
with the conviction that all is not sun that glitters. Tak
ing his idea from the device and its popular effects, the
author of the present volume has, for seven years past,
studied a variety of our most dazzling national achieve
ments through a piece of Smoked Glass, with results riot
less actually strengthening to the eye than astonishingly
lessening to the brilliance a nd apparent magnitude of the
military and political pageants surveyed. The ingenuous
mind becomes positively confounded at the singularly
minute proportions to which much of the most brilliant
generalship, patriotism, and statemanship is reduced,
when thus stripped of the refractions of partisan prejudice
and journalism, and commended in its simple realities to
the undazzled sight. To such pitifully small objects, in
deed, are they often resolved by the process, that a record
12 PRECIPITATE DOINGS.
of them in relatively diminished terms might fail to make
them visible at all ; and, hence, to render them clearly
perceptible to others, the recorder is compelled to magnify,
or, as the critical cant goes, exaggerate them.
So far as Burlesque means Perversion or Distortion of
facts, th pages of this book do not come properly under
that name. The flaw in the iron of the boiler which holds
the really great peril of future explosion is that which the
magnifying glass only can detect ; and the flaws in Pa
triotism and Statesmanship, which most seriously menace
the stability of a nation, must be magnified (or exagger
ated, if you will) to the capacity of popular vision, in
order that they may be recognized in time. The writer
has precipitated brilliant events and personalities, in Wash
ington and in the South, through a carefully prepared
piece of Smoked Glass, and then magnified the reduced
precipitates only so much as was requisite to make their
organic characteristics patent to the weakest sight. Thus,
the pageant of Impeachment is truly given as the culmi-
native scene of a feud between Representative THADDEUS
Stevens and President ANDREW Johnson ; the able and
dexterous Opening Argument of Manager B. F. Butler is
presented in its absolute meaning, rather than in its os
tensible design ; the pomp of the presiding Chief Justice
is shown to have been coldly tolerated, rather than in any
sense practically respected ; the passiveness of the nation
is shorn of its philosophical lustre and explained in its true
significance : the patriotic vehemence of partisan journal-
SMOKED GLASS. 13
ism of to-day is set forth as it will be judged to-morrow ;
and the lame conclusion of the drama is attributed to a
cause at least as credible and apparently logical as the one
generally assigned for it. The same fidelity to concrete
actuality may be asserted for the sketches of such repre
sentative sectional characters as Captain Yilliam Brown,
from cosmopolitan New York; the conservative, from
Kentucky ; the solid Boston man ; the loyal Southern
Munchausen, etc. ; and if, in treating of the concentrative
national life at Washington, the author has not felt at
liberty to ignore the notorious local coloring which some
times comes in bottles, he has, at least, involved it in a
tenderness of phraseology which should not offend the
most decorous.
Recalling the honest retail book-buyer to the stand, and
once more sneering at his palpable stupidity in requiring so
much prefatory explanation, it may be hinted, that the de
scription of Reconstructional life in the Southern comic
States, is intended as a logical sequel to the first half of the
history. When not beheld through a piece of Smoked
Glass, the South has hitherto presented an effulgence of
lordly state and chivalry which few dreamed of attribut
ing to the inordinate reflection and refraction of female
novelists and heavy mortgages. Even before the rebel
lion, a well-smoked glass would have enabled the thought
ful observer to trace much over-dazzling to the latter;
but now, the same medium diminishes a race of haughty
cavaliers to a community of woefully attired impecuni-
2
14
A CONTINUED TAIL.
aires, and reveals their growing eclipse by empty dinner-
pots under the delays of Reconstruction. Only the other
day, the writer received from a person signing himself
"Lucius Natura" a curious anatomical drawing, of which
the following is a fac-simile :
Accompanying which was a letter, wherein Lucius de
clared that a friend, in Georgia, had sent him from that
State the fossil remain indicated by the shaded part of
the drawing, and that, from thence, he (Lucius) had, by
zoological induction, supplied other portions of the extinct
SMOKED GLASS. 15
animal. "My immediate impression," wrote Lucius,
" was that the fossil (dug up in the extreme South, by-
the-by) was nothing more than the hinder portions of some
enormous dog (GENUS Caninus tremendibus Lin
naeus), which is represented by the symbol K. I. a
fallacy. I next assigned it to the Beaver tribe (GENUS
Tilelus Buffon; or Plugus Descartes; or, perhaps,
Nobus Cover 03.) By unmistakable indications, I per
ceived that the animal was assimilated to the lowest
rodents, which, says Ouvier, are possessed of the least
intelligence of all.
* Goldsmith says : * The beaver seems to be now the
only remaining monument of brutal society. From the
results of its labors, which are still to be seen in the
remote parts of America, we learn how far instinct can
be aided by imitation. We from thence perceive to what
degree animals, without .... reason, can concur
for their mutual advantage When alone,
the beaver has but little industry, . . . . and is
without cunning sufficient to guard it against the most
obvious and bungling snares laid for it.
"In short, I am sure that my construction of the
animal is correct, and that it belongs to the beaver
tribe."
The present historian was much pleased with this
triumph of the naturalist, and particularly admired the
mild eye. of the restored animal ; but happening to think
of his Smoked Glass, he quickly brought that to bear up-
16 US OF THE NORTH.
on the drawing, and was astounded to discover that the
reconstructed fossil was nothing more than a Map of Vir
ginia, the Carolinas, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, and Mis
sissippi, taken apart from the rest of the country and
turned on end ; and that the mild eye merely indicated
the capitol of the first-named State.
From this, it will be perceived, that the Southern comic
States have no protection from outrage, while Reconstruc
tion, from whatever cause, is delayed. As the writer
knows, from recent personal observation, through a proper
medium, at Chipmunk Court House, they yearn eagerly
for peace, and the withdrawal of our military vandals ;
they desire early investments of Northern Capital with
them on good bond and mortgage ; and, now that the
fiercest gust of passion is over, the more advanced of them
would even prefer the supremacy of the African, to being
ruled, like us of the North, by the Corkasian.
0. C. K.
LETTER I.
NARRATING A PLEASING ANECDOTE. OF NEW JERSEY} DESCRIBING THE
FRIENDLY VISIT OF AN EXCITING JOURNALIST TO AN ABLE MILITARY
CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY; NOTING THE DISINTERESTED ORGAN
IZATION OF THE " GRAND MACKEREL ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC J " AND
GIVING THE TRULY AMERICAN SONG AND STORY WITH WHICH THAT
ORGANIZATION WAS PARTLY CELEBRATED
WASHINGTON, D. C., March 4, 18G8.
Now that old Winter has been impeached, on charge of
poking his snows into all manner of things, and despot
ically endeavoring to bring our whole excellent Republican
organization to its sneeze ; now that icicles, like D. Sick
les, have ceased being hangers-on around the House, and
gone to vapor all about the country ; now that one in his
goings can distinguish between his toes and froze, and get
a little hoarse from some other cause than having caught
colt ; it is pleasant to see fair Nature preparing to don
her new Spring-bonnet for a promenade, and trying on a
veil of fog now and then to study the effect ; and it is also
pleasant to travel, at this dustless season of the year,
especially after you have passed beyond the limits of New
Jersey.
Whoever has made the passage to this city, my boy,
must have noticed that, soon after the starting of the train
from New York, all the passengers became inexpressibly
2* 17
18 THE SCOFFER ADVISED.
melancholy of visage, and devoted the most absorbing at
tention to the extreme backs of the hats on the next seat.
If some innocent foreigner, or other emigrant, in the car,
chanced (while hastily flying from the water-cooler under
the impression that it was the boiler) to remark upon this
freak of nature, the nearest native exclaimed, in a chilling
whisper: "Hush! Mr. Hepworth Dixon,* hush! We
are now passing through the State of Carnden and Amboy,
and if we look out of the windows we shall be CHARGED
for it." Whereupon a deep shudder of terror ran through
the entire vehicle, and Mr. Dixon made a memorandum in
his note-book, to say, in his next exciting volume on
" America," that the Jerseymen all had "Spiritual
Wives," and allowed no through-passengers to look into
their second-story windows, going-by, without paying
for it.
Through being generally mistaken for the pig-pasture
and cabbage-patch of New York, the arable Dutchy of
New Jersey has not always received that amount of for
eign notice which our more cpmplacent editors delight to
quote from the columns of engaging English journals ; but
the day will come mark me, scoffer ! the day will
come, when her name shall appear in every dictionary in
the world as a synonym for " Economy."
The vegetable interests of my dining-table made me
acquainted, last summer, with a Jcrseyman of innumerable
* Mr. Hepworth Dixon, of the London " Athenaeum ; " author of "New
America," " Spiritual Wives," and other chaste works of imagination.
SMOKED GLASS. 19
cucumbers ; and, after recovering from the cholera which
he had sold me at not more than the usual friendly per
centage over the highest market-price, I went to his place
to board, for the recovery of my health, at rather more per
week than an own mother-in-law would have charged.
He was a Jerseyman, full of deep love for nature, espe
cially when she could be sold for so much a load, a basket,
or a small measure ; and was even so fond of animated
creatures that he cheerfully encouraged all his neighbors
to keep chickens, and buy corn for them from him. " And
those sweet little English sparrows that are flying about
now-a-days," says he to me, "I love them because they
are the works of my Maker ; and I see that five hundred
of them are advertised for, to be taken West, for which a
reasonable sum would be paid. How can I encourage the
pretty creeturs to flutter softly about my door? " Much
moved by his beautiful enthusiasm, I suggested that a lit
tle bird-seed, placed upon a board, would attract the valu
able warblers. He smiled feebly at me, and says he :
" The seed would cost something, and I m afeared they d
eat it. I suppose you haven t got a little seed about you,
that you d let me have, without wanting it deducted from
your board?" Of course I had not; and for a whole
week that admirer of the feathered works of his Maker was
a mournful man. Suddenly, however, he brightened again
amazingly; and early one morning, when an astounding
twittering had called me to the front of the house, I found
him cheerfully laughing to himself under a board upon a
20 IN MEDIAS RESIDENCE.
window-sill, around which some scores of sparrows were
making much melody. "What!" exclaimed I, "have
you really bought the seed at last, and put it on the sill ?
How could you afford it? " He caught me by the lappel
of my coat, and slapped his leg, gleefully ; and says he :
" H sh sh ! don t speak so that they can hear. There s
some seed up there, to be sure ; BUT I VE GLUED IT FAST
TO THE BOARD ! "
Perhaps I should not have remembered the circum
stance, but for the fact that the representative of that same
gentleman s district in Congress is about to present his
State s retraction of her former assent to the only civilized
Constitutional Amendment* we have had in a year. Some
States go too far to the Republican extreme, and some too
far to the Democratic ; but you must look to New Jersey,
if you would find the golden " mean."
Pondering this reminiscence en route, I succeeded in
reaching the Capital without experiencing that unnatural
disposition to mid-day slumber, which generally attends
the intervening approach to Philadelphia on the way.
Philadelphia produces some very creditable firemen, and
will probably be a quite lively place when the final confla
gration of things occurs ; but, in the mean time, it curi
ously resembles some of those placid California fruits,
which will keep growing larger and larger just so long as
you choose to leave them alone, and are seldom troubled
* The Fourteenth Amendment.
SMOKED GLASS. 21
with enough distinctive flavor to tell whether they are
ordinary pumpkins, or extraordinary apples.
Once again established in Washington, and in my old
room at Willard s, I find little of merely local importance
to note immediately, save, perhaps, the number of former
Southern confederacies, who daily haunt the White House of
our reigning sovereign, A. Johnson, Hex tailor onis, and
take numerous Pardons at his expense. These haughty no
blemen are quite affable once more in general society, and
seem ready to negotiate fresh mortgages even with rich rep
tiles from New England; yet it cannot be denied that
they still look with eyes of fire upon such of our national
vandals in military attire as they chance to behold around
the War Office.
But if the well-known Southern Confederacy has reason
to feel more or less indignation against our former strate
gic national troops for exploding the incendiary musket
against her, she may find much inexpressible comfort, my
boy, in contemplating the dreadful retribution now visited
upon the head of the last General of the Mackerel Bri
gade by the pleasing emissaries of an incorrigible daily
press. The other day, an affable and exhaustive corre
spondent of one of our more exciting morning journals,
having learned that the General was under orders to be
come President of the United States in 1869, went cheer
fully to his private residence to make inquiries concerning
his character, and ascertain his views of the freed-negro
race. Reaching the chamber of the great man, where the
22 ACCORDION TO HIS FOLLY.
latter sat practising upon the accordion, this gifted and
friendly correspondent first glanced over two or three pri
vate letters, which were lying upon a desk near the window,
and then says he,
" Although attached to a journal which gains ten thou
sand in circulation per week, I am inclined to regard you
as an equal, and shall only publish such portions of your
correspondence with your family as may be interesting to
our female readers. I find here," says he, opening a
drawer in the desk, and smiling agreeably, "a penknife,
with which I will pare my nails, while asking you such
questions as the nation is determined to have answered.
Firstly : What is your income" for the current year, and
how is your grandmother s sprained ankle? "
The veteran attentively regarded the middle knuckle of
his right hand, and performed "Ever of Thee," on the
accordion.
"I see," went on this cheerful correspondent, "that
your servant has just brought in your breakfast, and I
don t know but I will try one of those eggs myself.
While I am eating I shall trouble you to tell me what you
spend a year for clothes, and also what property your
wife brought you. The people of the country are natu
rally anxious to have these matters clearly explained at
once, and any equivocation will tend only to depreciate
our bonds abroad, and disappoint a legitimate curiosity at
home."
The great soldier fixed his glance earnestly upon a spot
SMOKED GLASS. 23
near the middle of the ceiling, and executed " Oh, ask me
not," with dreamy effect.
"I will try one of your cigars, for a change," said the
able correspondent, going to the box on the shelf; "and
while I am looking for a match in the pocket of that waist
coat of yours, hanging on that nail, you might tell me how
many marriageable nieces you have ; and also, how much
you contribute toward the support of your unmarried aunt.
The general public will scarcely be satisfied with anything
but the most direct replies to these queries and if you
will also inform me what you gave for your last dozen of
shirts, I shall feel obliged."
The hero now took a deep interest in the left-hand cor
ner of the table near him, and softly evolved, i i Come,
rest in this Bosom," from his eloquent instrument of
music.
" You are doubtless quite ready," continued this engag
ing correspondent, abstractedly dressing his hair with a
comb and brush from the bureau, " to state how much you
allow your wife for keeping house, and how much you ex
pect to make this year. Upon these points, of course,
your fellow-countrymen expect explicit information ; nor
must I forget to ask how you stand regarding the extension
of suffrage to the freed-negro race ? "
Here the famous veteran slowly arose from his chair,
carefully laid his accordion upon the table, and winked.
Then he quietly lifted a cat from the floor, deliberately
blew a ridge in her" fur, and dexterously extracted there-
24 G. M. A. E.
from, with thumb and finger, an agile triumph of the in
sect kingdom. Thus supplied, he advanced upon the
affable and exhaustive correspondent, led him smilingly to
the door by an arm, delicately deposited the insect in his
right ear, and closed the interview.
And this subject naturally leads me to consider the
" Grand Mackerel Army of the Republic, " which was
organized here on Tuesday evening, by certain officers of
the great strategic Brigade, and the inaugural meeting of
which I had the honor to attend. The organization is for
the purpose of promoting the Presidency of the above
General, keeping alive the memory of those feats of arms
and legs, without which we should not now be on hand as
a nation, and securing for the most strategical officers of
our late forces that marked political recognition so neces
sary to persons who propose becoming governors, post
master, or successful clergymen. The meeting was held
in the immediate neighborhood of a bar-room ; so that, in
case of fire, water might be readily attainable ; and I was
pleased to exchange greetings once more with Captains Vil-
liam Brown and Samyule Sa-mith, Sergeant O Pake, and
the thoughtful Mackerel Chaplain.
The object of the organization having been stated by a
waiter, and the memory of those of our comrades who have
married since the war having been drank in silence, the
next toast in order was,
"Our Native Land."
To this Sergeant O Pake responded. He said that our
SMOKED GLASS. 25
Native Land was open to all Irishmen, whether they came
from Italy, Poland, or Hungary ; and that even to Ameri
cans it offered some advantages. When we spoke of our
Native Land, however, we particularly meant the refuge
of the foreign martyr of freedom ; of him who believed that
Man must be Free, no matter what he was indicted for,
and never hesitated to break jail in demonstration of that
immortal truth. He the speaker could not better
answer the last toast, than by presenting a rhythmical
statement of the woes of the general foreign refugee of
Freedom ; and, while giving the body of the sad tale in
Irish, that it might seem more like home to Americans, he
had also sufficiently flavored the strain with various foreign
tongues to make it suit the general and everlasting martyr
of tyranny. He begged leave, therefore, to recite ;
THE UNIVERSAL EXILE S LAMENT.
Attind to mo, mother, while loud I m complaining,
And bend your swate eyes more complately to hear;
For weakness of voice is just all I am gaining,
Locked up in a jail, with no comrade to cheer.
iTe ll say it s from jail that I m always a-writing,
Ah, true is the story pieta di me !
And now, as before, what has caused my indicting
Is just my insisting, that
Man MUST be free !
But twinty years old was my age as I reckon,
When one of my friends had his landlord to pay;
And quick we agreed, o er a bottle of whiskey,
To settle the rint with shillalies in play.
3
26 FROM BAD TO VERSE.
It s somebody s head that I cracked in a jiffy,
My own sunny France, I was striking for thee !
And straight to a prison les tyrans conveyed me,
Despite my protesting that
Man MUST be free !
I served like a baste through my period penal,
Wi a the composure auld Reekie inspires ;
And spake to the judge in his altitude venal,
As one in whose bosom were liberty s fires.
Then home I repaired; but, before I got thither,
A bit of a mob made me join in their glee ;
It s government houses we burned, and some people,
To prove we were drunk, and that
Man MUST bo free !
Myself did they take, with some dozens of others,
And gave us a trial for trayson indade;
And sintinced us all, right in sight of our mothers,
To cross the wide ocean with fetters and spado.
Not ein hohes wort was in all of their charges :
But stern was the Justice, and, " Pris ner," says he,
" How came you to join in this burning and stealing ? n
" To show," says I, boldly, " that
Man MUST be free ! "
When safely arrived at the scene of our labors,
I found the Commandant quite gintly inclined;
He singled me out from the midst of my neighbors,
And softly I gave him a piece of my mind :
" I m sickly," says I, " and have nade of indulgence,
Nor will I abuse it if given to me."
He trusted my word and indulged me, per Baccho,
And soon I escaped, because
Man MUST be free
Then straight to this country I fled for protection,
And wasn t I hailed as a patriot born ?
SMOKED GLASS. 27
They asked mo to stand for a local election,
But such a small offer I treated with scorn.
And soon did I join, with an energy aygur,
Some gintlemen proud as it s aisy to be,
Who went into fighting for keeping the naygur,
And showing, per Dio, that
Man MUST be free !
Bad luck to it all ! twas a bating they gave us,
And Allah il Allah ! was all I could say ;
From starving down South there was nothing to save us
And I was not slow about coming away :
It s not for a pardon I d ask of the rulers,
Nor yet would I seek from the country to flee;
For what could they do in a real republic
To one who said only that
Man MUST be free !
Not troubled at all in me mind for the morrow,
I turned my attintion to matters of State;
And so, having failed, to my infinite sorrow,
In fighting the nation, took comfort of fate.
Iwas right in the midst of advising the rulers
Just how they should act to the South, and to me,
When " Credat Judaeusf" they say; and I m taken
To jail, though explaining that
Man MUST be free !
Sure, mother, but Liberty s all a delusion,
And Italy, Hungary, Poland, and I,
Can only be kept in eternal confusion
By hoping for landlords and despots to die.
So, here let mo say, in the musical tongue of
My own native Venice Venite per me !
It s most of me time that I m spending in prison,
And all from insisting that
Man MUST be free !
28 NEW ENGLAND HORSEPITALITY.
After we had all applauded the touching verses as well
as our tears of sympathy would permit, and expressed our
sincere regret that we could not all be Irishmen, the next
toast was offered,
"The Last General of the Mackerel Brigade Our
next President."
As I had been selected to honor this sentiment, and
really knew no presidential qualification that the General
possessed, save his well-known fondness for horse-flesh (and
consequent supposable understanding of the common wheel),
I merely paid a passing tribute to his skill with the accor
dion, and related a story of that korse-y State,
VERMONT.
Possibly you have never happened to hear of such a
town as Twinkleton before ; and so I am careful to state
that it is within sound of the whistle of the train that
" breaks-up " at Bellows Falls, Vermont, and that its prin
cipal hotel for man and beast is somewhat afflictive to the
digestions of those travellers whose stomachs look upon
apple-pie three times a day as something in the nature of
a persecution. You say to the stage-driver, at the railway
station, that you wish to go to Twinkleton ; and, if you
happen to wear a scarf-pin with the head of a coral horse
upon it, he will induce you, by a series of the most ingen
ious devices, to distrust the comfort of the "insides," and
ride upon the box with him.
" You re going to buy a horse up there," says he, turn-
SMOKED GLASS. 29
ing the reins in his hand, and glancing from your scarf-pin
to your city hat.
" No, sir ! " you say, rather sharply; for you have an
idea that you look vastly above anything horsey, and wish
your general get-up to be considered impressive.
"Well, then," says the driver, "of course you must be
going to Squire Maple s ; so there s no use of my talking
to you abaout that ere nigh -pacing mare, I s pose."
He can t conceive the possibility, can t the driver, of any
other destination for you in Twinkleton than Squire Ma
ple s ; and you instinctively feel that a request on your
part to be put down at any other mansion, or at the hotel,
would at once entail upon you the suspicion of coming to
buy a horse secretly, and subject you to some pretty heavy
boring in regard to the nigh-pacing mare.
Such a state of things will seem to indicate that no mas
culine visitor to Twinkleton is safe from buying a horse,
unless he stops at Squire Maple s. This is true; and I
defy any unarmed single gentleman of my acquaintance
to pass a night in Twinkleton without having a steed forci
bly sold to him by somebody before morning. In a wider
sense, it will seem to indicate that Squire Maple s is the
mansion of Twinkleton. This also is true, and makes me
quite anxious to lead my friends thither without further
preface.
Taking upon ourselves mantles of invisibility, we boldly
enter the hospitable door of this celebrated house, and are
quite surprised to find host, hostess, daughters, and a
3*
30 HALE AND FARE WELL.
young-man visitor named young Mr. Blinders, very -heart
ily welcoming that delicious specimen of a girl who came
up in the stage with us.
"My dear Maggie Pye," say both of the old folks at
once, " we re so glad to see you. How did you leave pa
and ma ? Mr. Blinders, this is our niece from New York,
Miss Pye."
Young Mr. Blinders ducks his head with great emotion,
turns very red in the face, and puts both of his hands still
deeper into his pockets.
A smile of rather cruel amusement is beginning to curl
brightly from the corners of Miss Pye s charming mouth,
when her cousins, Cassandra and Minerva, commence to
tear off her " things," like affectionate youg wild-cats,
and she permits Mr. Blinders to go uncrushed for the
nonce.
Questions, answers, and hugs run riot for ten minutes ;
after which there is a hasty washing of hands and smooth
ing of locks, and then dinner is officially announced by a
young woman who lias seen better days, or, at least,
days when there would not be so many plates to wash.
The table is substantially and generously furnished,
though, perhaps, the presence of doughnuts as an entree
and apple-pie as a vegetable, might not be considered or
thodox in Fifth Avenue. It is a table to make on,e feel at
a glance that the natural act of eating is a plain, honest,
hearty act, not to be entered upon with any mawkish pre
tences of bird-like pecking. Down they all sit, and the
SMOKED GLASS. 31
squire helps to corned pork and doughnuts all around;
after which delicate operation he starts up the talk.
"Well, Maggie, did you have a nice ride up? I won
der whether George drove the roans, or the grays, to
day?"
" The roans I seen em."
This from young Mr. Blinders, who is immediately con
scious of having committed an indiscretion, and knocks
over a tumbler of water with his elbow by way of helping
matters.
" Is George the driver s name? " says Maggie. " Why !
don t you think, uncle, he thought I was coming to Twin-
kleton to buy a horse, and confidentially offered to sell me
a pacing mare ! "
"0 Cassandry!" says Minerva, appealing to her sister,
"only think of Mag s buying a horse out of her own
pocket ! "
He ! he ! from Minerva, to accompany the ha ! ha ! of
Squire Maple, to accompany the hor ! hor ! hor ! of young
Mr. Blinders.
"Well, I tell you what it is? girls," says Maggie,
shaking her curls; "pa s given me a hundred dollars to
spend, and I m more than half a mind to buy a dear an
gel of a saddle-horse with it. I do love horseback riding
so much, and our coupe horses aint fit."
" I say, Miss Pye "
This from young Mr. Blinders, whose speech is sud
denly checked by a nudge from Miss Minerva, and a mag-
32 PICKED MEN.
ical removal of his pocket-handkerchief from the table to
his pocket.
"Ah, Maggie, my girl," says the squire, "I consider
myself responsible for you now, and shan t let you run
through your fortune in that way."
Miss Pye is about to respond with some playful defi
ance, when she is surprised at receiving a most sinister
and complicated wink from the right eye of young Mr.
Blinders.
The impudent booby ! she thinks. How dare he ! But
she is too good-natured to take serious offence, and begins
to plan some choice fun at his expense.
Dinner is over, and young Mr. Blinders lingers around
the room in speechless clumsiness until the chatter be
comes deafening, when he springs convulsively from his
chair, makes a gape at Miss Pye, as though about to utter
something remarkable, and then goes home.
Thereupon his peculiarities are all picked to pieces, as
are those of all gentlemen who have just left the company
of ladies ; and Miss Maggie Pye rollickingly avows that
she has made a conquest of him already, and intends to do
him brown. The Misses Cassandra and Minerva make a
show of defending him; but the general conclusion is,
that he was born expressly to be made an example of for
the warning of all presumptuous young men. It is nearly
eleven o clock, p. M., when the .question is finally settled,
and then all the little dears retire to a double-bedded dor-
SMOKED GLASS. 33
mitory upstairs, and in a vivacious discussion of the Fash
ions talk themselves delightfully to sleep.
Next day young Mr. Blinders comes to dinner again,
and lingers through the afternoon, and manages to ask
Miss Pye, in a blood-curdling whisper, if she is " going to
be scared out of it by them Mapleses ? "
In utter bewilderment Maggie is about to come out with
a Good gracious me ! when young Mr. Blinders abruptly
bolts out of the house, and leaves subsequent laughter to
serve as a flattering comment on his fragmentary style of
wooing. Oh, such a goose !
On the following morning, however, he comes not long
after breakfast, when the Misses Cassandra and Minerva
whose excellent parents will pronounce their names as
though spelled with a final y artfully manage to leave
Miss Pye alone in the dining-room with him.
Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes, and
the front door is heard to close after somebody, and Miss
Pye comes tearing upstairs to the girls room with her
curls fairly on end.
"0 Gassy and Minny ! " says she, "it s too funny!
What do you think? He s asked me to elope with him,
and I ve agreed ! "
"What!"
"Yes ! Says he to me, <I say, Miss Pye, you aint a
going to be watched and governed by these Mapleses
be ye ? Of course I told him * No ! And then says
he oh, dear, it s too funny, though ! says he, Then
34 SCAN MAG PYE !
all you ve got to do is to meet me out at the road-gate to
night after the Mapleses is abed ; and then we ll take the
liberty of doing as we please, with our own horse and our
own money. Now, girls, we must keep up the fun, you
know ; and I want both of you to hide behind those two
poplars down by the gate to-night and hear me rig your
country beau."
The Misses Cassandra and Minerva are at first disposed
to decline any part in such a conspiracy ; but remember
in time that they have been called " these Mapleses" as
well as their parents, and determine to witness the down
fall.
Night comes ; seven o clock ; eight o clock, ma goes to
bed ; nine o clock, pa says he must go to bed ; ten o clock,
and pa does go to bed. Half-past ten o clock, and the
Misses Cassandra and Minerva are behind the poplars, and
Miss Pye is at the appointed gate. In five minutes there
after young Mr. Blinders suddenly emerges from the
dense shade of two trees across the road, and cautiously
approaches the wicket.
" I say, Miss Pye ! " in a whisper.
"Well, sir," responds Maggie, timidly, quite alarmed
for a moment as the magnitude of her joke flashes upon
her.
"Shall we go to him, or shall I bring him here?"
whispers young Mr. Blinders, with great self-possession.
He means the clergyman, thinks Miss Pye. I ought to
be ashamed of myself to fool the poor fellow so, I de-
SMOKED GLASS. 35
clare; but I ll put him out of his misery at once, and as
delicately as I can.
"No, Mr. Blinders," she says, "I cannot go with
you. In an affair of this kind my parents should be con
sulted "
"I say, Miss Pye," interrupts young Mr. Blinders,
"it s only them Mapleses that could come between us in
this, and it aint none of their business, anyhow. All I
ask is the hundred dollars that old Maples wanted to be
responsible for, you know? "
" Sir ! " says Miss Pye, horror-stricken at such mer
cenary frankness.
"Just let me show him to you, you know. I ve got
him nigh under that tree over there," says young Mr.
Blinders, incoherently.
"Him? What do you mean? " shrieks Miss Pye.
"Mean?" says young Mr. Blinders, "why, just the
very saddle-horse for your hundred dollars."
"I thought you wanted to run away with me!"
screamed Miss Pye, quite forgetting herself.
There is a sound in the air as of the emphatic naming
of a Holy City of the Orient; in fact, the emphasized
syllables are those of " Jerusalem ! " and a manly form is
seen in the faint moonlight to make rapid strides across
the road.
"Teh tch tch he! he! he!" comes from one
poplar tree inside the gate.
36 A "SPOKE" IN ONE S OWN WEAL.
Teh tch tch te-he ! te-he ! comes from be
hind another poplar tree inside the gate.
Two plump female shapes come from behind two poplar
trees inside the gate and surround a third female shape,
while a swift horseman clatters furiously past the outside
of the gate, and disappears.
Miss Pye ! Miss Margaret Pye ! how are you now,
my pretty dear? " What s this? Where are you?"
Why, this is the hand of your Cousin Minerva trying to
pour some more water into your^ mouth ; and you are in
VERMONT !
At the termination of this jockey lar story in honor of
the known equineinity of the subject of the toast, there
was much hearty laughter by everybody except those be
side myself; but the hilarity was both general and un
seemly when I subsequently spoke in terms of glowing
eulogy concerning one whose sterling worth was yet to be
acknowledged ; whose qualification for the most renumera-
tive office could not be questioned; and whose name
said I is ORPHEUS C, KERR.
LETTER II.
ILLUSTRATING, BY A MORAL CONNECTICUT TALE, THE FALLACY OF THAT
POLITICAL INSPIRATION WHICH IS DERIVED FROM THE GRAVES OF
GREAT MEN; PICTURING THE SOLEMN IMPEACHMENT OF A. JOHNSON,
AT THE BAR OF THE SENATE, AND SHOWING THE GREAT PUBLIC
DEMORALIZATION ENSUING THEREFROM.
WASHINGTON, D. C., March 12, 1868.
As we survey Old Age, my boy, through a piece of
Smoked Glass, and observe its impressive use of colored
silk handkerchiefs as we note how much respectability it
can express in a sonorous cough, and how much knowl
edge of our own inmost thoughts and insignificant youth-
fulness it can impress upon us with the gleam of its
remorseless spectacles, as we survey and note these things,
I say, we must indeed feel inspired with abject reverence
for all that is past sixty, and refuse to consider a scratch-
wig and gold-headed cane in any way detrimental to the
hoary majesty of the patriarch.
But if these mere externals of benignant longevity
make us feel, by comparison, like superfluous babes, what
tender sensations lift the soft mist of nature s distillations
to our eyes, when we see the tranquil hearts of the old
clinging one to another in a friendship as deep and quiet
as the long sleep in which they must soon be still ! By
that intuitive sympathy which makes natural friends of
4 37
38 HIC !
all men when they stand together upon the verge of a
land equally strange to all, the withered hand clasps
strong the withered hand on the borders of an unexplored
Eternity.
In a village, on the blue Connecticut, where young shad
are salted and sold for the best No. 1 Mackerel, and ne
gro suffrage is considered an insidious device of federal
tyranny, in this Arcadian hamlet, where innocence exists
to a degree that is oppressive to the senses, I once knew
two venerable men, whose friendship for each other I have
never seen equalled, save by that of Secretary Seward for
the Czar of Eussia. For years they had peregrinated
together in this vale of tears, until they actually became
as like as brothers, even in physical aspect. The nose of
one had the same caloric hue with the, nose of the other.
The breath of one exhaled the aroma of a liquid of the
tropical isles, only to exactly counterfeit the West Indian
fragrance labiated by the other. Even in the manage
ment of their tumblers they were like a man and his
glass ; and one, w r ho remembered having seen them sober
once (when they were children), said that they seemed
much drawn together whenever they got into the same
wagon.
At last one of them died suddenly of a distracted pan
orama of black monkeys, and was placed in the village
graveyard, under a stone bearing the simple Latin inscrip
tion "Hie!"
The survivor uttered no lamentations ; his only words
SMOKED GLASS. 39
for a week were but reiterations of the one syllable of his
friend s epitaph; yet he shed tears to an extent which
(inasmuch as te never touched water) made his frequent
falls the evident result of "drop"-sy. One night, while
returning in great mental anguish from a protracted in
terview with the glass-clerk of the village hotel, he was
attacked with great violence by both sides of the road,
and driven irregularly into the wayside inclosure where
rested his ancient friend. And upon that friend s grave
did he sadly stretch himself; nor was the touching pathos
of the act lessened by his simple-hearted belief that he
was retiring to bed at home, nor by his broken utterance
of the word,
"Wairzerquilt?"
At morn the^ found him there, roused him from his
slumber, and rudely dragged him before the squire.
" What is the matter with you? " asked the latter.
The bereaved old man leaned heavily upon a constable
for support, under his emotion, and said solemnly,
"Isht zfriendship."
" And is it friendship, too, which makes you speak in
that thick way ? " queried the squire.
" Yeshir," murmured the aged mourner, " Yeshir ! "
" I am afraid," added the magistrate, " that you are in
toxicated."
The venerable prisoner smiled seraphically ; but, hap
pening to remember himself, he immediately frowned ter
ribly. Then he smiled very violently again, and laid himself
40 A GRAVE CONTAGION.
more comfortably upon the constable. After which, he
repeated his friend s epitaph several times with tears.
Noshir , said he, " noshir ! "
"How, then, does it happen," went on the squire, "that
you are found in your present condition? "
"Condizh n?" ejaculated the venerable Damon, form
ing his lips suddenly into the shape of a very tight rose,
and swaying majestically " Condizh n? Did you know
my fren , shir? He was a drink nman. Yeshir ! an
I caught it from siz-siz-szleepin on s grave ! "
I was reminded of this small and excellent Connecticut
tale on Wednesday morning last, when the Venerable
Gammon laid bare his benignant heart to such inalienable
worshippers as had just invited him to take a brevet with
them at the bar of Willard s Hotel. 9
"My children," said the aged benefactor of the uni
verse, smiling mournfully at the boiled slice of lemon
which he was about to swallow from a goblet, "my chil
dren, when I compare the Union of to-day with the Union
formed by my old friend, George Washington, I feel that
the present is not the past, and that the abyss toward which
we are drifting is the chasm whither our footsteps * tend.
If to feel thus is to be disloyal," said the Venerable
Gammon, with much oily effulgence of double-chin, i then
was the male parent of his country disloyal ; for I breathe
but the warning spirit of the great Sleeper at Mount Ver-
non." Whereupon everybody admitted that Washington
was, indeed, rather less ruinous than our present sagacious
SMOKED GLASS. 41
Congress to everything national whatsoever ; and it was
proposed to present an immediate service of plate to the
friend of the Pater pair ia.
It is sweet and soothing to know, my boy, that those
who, by virtue of inexpressibly superior years, or recent
political snubblings, are placed upon the particular watch-
towers of the country, it is sweet and soothing, I say,
to know, that vigilant watchers like those, can detect com
ing Ruin at such a very long distance ; that we are allowed
plenty of time to avert it if we choose by letting them
ruin us beforehand.
Thinking of this, I was upon the point of leaving the
place, when a Republican chap of much forehead called
for another brevet, and -says he,
" The Union of to-day has been turned into a howling
wilderness of irredeemable paper money by the presidential
treachery of our former tailor. Men and brethren ! "
exclaimed this earnest chap, wildly; "it is Andrew John
son who has wrought this inexpressible woe, which noth
ing but Impeachment can allay. To call him a dema
gogue were flattery. What, then, shall we call this man
of sin?"
"Ah!" says a soft voice, " couldn t we call him a
Sinagogue?"
Turning quickly, to see what creature was capable of
such an unseemly suggestion at this solemn crisis in the
history of our beloved country, I beheld Captain Villiam
Brown, who, having recently returned from a meeting of
4*
42 WADE IN THE BALANCE.
the "Mackerel Army of the Republic," was on his way
to assure Congress that our late strategic national troops
may be depended upon in an emergency.
"Hail to thee, my son of swords," said I, affably.
"Does Mars call again to deeds of high emprise; or
come you hither only to be appointed Secretary of War
ad interim? " *
"Ad interim!" says Yilliam, dreamily. "No, my
fren ; the military being who is too ready for an ad in
terim, only invites everybody to pitch interim ; and when
so many beings are pitchers, it is only left for him to be a
tumbler. Impeachment," says Villiam, reasoningly, " is
chiefly a matter of pitchers and tumblers the former of
which contain so much small-beer, that they will be found
foaming at the mouth at the bar of the Senate when the
Sinagogue of the White House goes thither for his. bit
ters."
Perceiving that Villiam s thirsty military mind mistook
for a spirituous dispensary the august "bar" of that
higher branch of our national legislature which has Ben
Wade in the balance and is found wanting the Presidency,
I led him out for a walk on the Avenue ; and was about
explaining to him that said bar offered nothing stronger
than the occasional crusty j>ort of Mr. Sumner, when we
* Despite the President s conciliating brevets, the appointment of Secretary
of War ad interim fairly went begging amongst tho military believers iu its
illegality, until finally an unbelieving THOMAS was found.
SMOKED GLASS. 43
were abruptly accosted by a hasty Western chap in a soft
black hat, linen duster, and gray worsted mittens.
" Excuse me," says he, jmntingly; "but I have just
arrived from the loyal State of Illinois to offer ten thou
sand muskets to Congress for its approaching single com
bat with the criminal tailor of the White House, and wish
to be directed to the proper authorities."
" Ah ! " says Yilliam, " are they needle-guns ?"
"Why should they be that kind?" says the chap,
anxiously.
"Because," says Villiam, thoughtfully, "the Presi
dent, being a tailor by profession, will naturally adopt the
needle-gun for himself, in case of war. You know," says
Villiam, pleasantly, " when there are breeches between
two parties, and they come to be much wore-, the needle
gun is likely to be most useful in patching up a piece."
The Western chap scowled, and says he, "I m a gun-
maker myself, and wish to sell the guns I have mentioned
without further confusion." And he left us in great indig
nation.
"Behold," says Villiam, gazing after him, and simul
taneously eating a clove "behold, my fren , how the
loyal heart of the country responds when a patriotic Con
gress stands forth against the ad interim of arbitrary
tyranny. I really believe," says Villiam, confidently,
" that if it should come to violence we might have every
old duck-gun in the country for cash."
Deeply impressed by the profound remark, I left him ;
44 ELEPHANTASTIC.
and in two hours thereafter was standing within the storied
Senate-Chamber of the United States of America ! I am
not a bad man, my boy ; nor can I accuse myself of any
greater detriment to self-respect than may have been in
volved in the spending of several days in New Jersey
without compulsion ; but when I beheld that High Court
of Impeachment, when I looked down from the gallery
upon that scene of much shirt-collar, tremendous forehead,
and frequent judicial stomach, I was immediately con
scious of the same painful insignificance I had felt once be
fore in my life when surveying an Elephant. Upon that
earlier occasion I strove to reason with myself against
such humiliating personal microscopically. I said to my
self, there is unquestionably a certain aggravating LARGE
NESS about him, and if he wore proportionate spectacles
and watch-seal he d look nearly as majestic as a German
musician. But where s the Mind the giant human
Mind ! to inform that vast tabernacle of flesh, and give
those broad temples an equivalent intelligence ?
It was of no use. I d seen too many fat ones of my
own kind, without minds, while attending the New York
Constitutional Convention. I continued to feel smaller
and smaller in that enormous presence, until it suddenly
recurred to me that I had paid twenty-five cents to see the
Immensity ! At the thought, all my natural complacency
came back in a flash ! Yes, sir, I swelled immediately ;
and winked so much to myself, that an aged maiden in
the throng thought herself affectionately addressed there-
SMOKED GLASS. 45
by, and dedicated a "personal" to me in next day s
"Herald."
I shall not attempt to explain just why such a matter
should affect me thus ; but as I surveyed the High Court
of Impeachment, and experienced the very same old sen
sation of comparative nothingness, I felt that the trouble
lay in my not having paid twenty-five cents before entering.
Going back, therefore, for a moment, I fairly compelled a
doorkeeper to restore my self-respect by accepting the
proper money, and was then in a condition to behold with
some equanimity one of the most immense scenes in the
history of our distracted globe.
A door opened ; the Sergeant-at-arms advanced toward
the Chair of the Senate, announcing " A Committee from
the House of Representatives," and was followed by the
Committee, headed by a very old man. The President of
the Senate arose. It was proclaimed that any one . who
uttered sound from the galleries should be imprisoned.
The Old Man a very old man, and tottering yet young
and of granite, with the yearless, inexorable purpose of a
Fate handed his whip * to the Sergeant-at-arms, cast his
hat upon a chair, and paused. The President of the
Senate glanced slowly around at the pale, intent faces
about and above him ; extended a hand aloft ; and dropped
a pin. The noise of the fall reached every ear distinctly.
Then the Old Man spoke,
* A mistake. It was not a whip, but a cane. ED.
46 AN UNCANDID DATE.
" We, the Representatives of the Republic, in the name
of the whole People of the United States, do Impeach
Andrew Johnson, President of the United States, for cer
tain High Crimes and Misdemeanors ; and shall present,
in substantiation thereof, divers Articles, known by gram
mar as the Definite tind the Indefinite. And we do de
mand that the Senate take my order to call the said An
drew Johnson before its bar."
The President of the United States said: "The Senate
will take that order ; " and the Old Man (whose name, as I
am informed, is Thaddeus Stevens) led his Committee
in silence from the chamber.
It had been a grand, momentous, dreadful scene ; and
only the first, too, in a drama which were paralyzing to a
nation not already schooled to tragedy in its high places.
Who can wonder that it has already it and its kind
produced much demoralization ?
For instance : an enterprising chap of much news-agency
has just been detected in a fraud possible only in a time
of lax public morals, and unseemly ingenuity.
Having invented a means of skilfully changing the day
and date of a newspaper at will, this unscrupulous chap
has been distributing the very same copy of that excellent
morning journal, The New York " Tribune," day after
day to his patrons, for several months ; buying it back for
quarter-price each night, and dealing it out again to the
same parties next morning with altered date-line. Prob
ably he might have gone on thus for a year without
SMOKED GLASS. 47
detection, but for the recent discovery of a joyous man
who had just forwarded a paid advertisement of the death
of his mother-in-law, and had his suspicions aroused by
not finding it in print.
A still sadder case is that of a thoughtful and venerable
file who, being a subscriber for the New York " Times,"
had drawn two parallel but distinct chalk lines on the floor
of his office, the one marked " Republican " and the other
" Democratic." It was the custom of this truly eccentric
file to stand upon one or the other of these lines when
reading his favorite and admirable journal of a morning,
according as that journal changed sides in politics each
twenty-four hours ; but it happened that when Impeach
ment became a fixed fact, the same pleasing daily journal
took both sides with great ability.
The aged file tried thereupon to read with one foot on
one line and the other on the other. Alas ! the stretch
was too great for one of his years, and he speedily
became what is called " cracked." Then with the dread
fires of insanity blazing in his eyes, he flew to the White
House, tore madly into the presence of the President, fell
upon his knees, and says he,
"A boon ! my liege, a boon ! "
Mr. Johnson laid aside a spoon, the metal of which he
had been testing in a glass retort containing some hot
liquid preparation, and asked, "What can your lawful
suzerain do for you, good Lorenzo ? But hold ! let me
ring for an ad interim, or a brevet, to raise your spirits."
48 I "SMILE."
" No, my suzerain, I am not thirsty," cried the aged
maniac. " But I would have your consent to wed an old
lady in your employ, whom I love."
" Her name what is it ? " cried his sovereign, hastily.
" She is Secretary Welles, of the Navy," moaned the
madman.
"Here, guards ! " called the great ruler; "away with
this lunatic. I would be alone."
This, this, is indeed Impeachment.
And now, my boy, as I close this letter, there comes
news of the arrival of a high-toned Democrat of much
cheek-bones, from New York, who, finding the carrying-
in-coal profession rather dull just now, has sped hither to
pledge ten thousand men for the support of the President
against a demoniac Congress. But I smile softly to
myself while I write, that no such needless aid will be
accepted ; for Mr. Johnson is a man who, under no possi
ble provocation, could be induced to " take the Pledge.
Yours, unimpeachably,-
ORPHEUS C. KERB.
LETTER III.
WHEREIN OUR CORRESPONDENT NOT ONLY INTRODUCES A FASHIONABLE
WASHINGTON1AN BELLE, BUT ALSO AUDACIOUSLY TAKES ADVANTAGE OF
A DELAY IN IMPEACHMENT TO ADDRESS HIMSELF EXCLUSIVELY TO THE
STYLISH YOUNG MAIDENS OF THE PERIOD.
WASHINGTON, D. C., March 20, 1868.
WHAT luxury of feeling there is in that earliest hour of
recognized Spring, when the door by which Winter has
gone out can be left open for a while without discomfort,
and the casement, that uncloses to release the lingering
smoky ghost of the last fire upon the hearth, lets in a
sunny spirit whose only flames and sparks shall be roses
and humming-birds!
In terms not unlike these did I express the sentiment of
the season to Miss Agonies^ Blatherly , only filial expense
of the Hon. Senator Blatherly, of Pequog, as I escorted
her some mornings ago to select her new spring things for
the Impeachment. It was "Opening-day," that day
of deep thought, and much milliner s bill, when the subtle
mind of woman devises its most touching appeals to the
funds of the thing called Man, and while the carriage
rolled slowly along the Avenue I spoke as I have written.
* Agonies is the fashionable pronunciation of Agnes.
5 49
50 WOMANLY SIMPERTIIY.
" Oh, spring is perfectly sweet," she responded, with
thoughtful earnestness ; " and pa says that the spring-lamb
will be heavenly this year ; but some of the mantilla-jackets
they re wearing now are utterly horrid."
" Still," said I, with great depth of feeling, "your sen
sitive woman s heart can scarcely take its usual delight
even in the most expensive organdy, when you remember
that the present spring is to witness the most solemn State
Trial within the memory of man."
She met my penetrating gaze with a look of timid sym
pathy, and answered, with a sigh,
1 I shall wear a black French grenadine, with the back
widths full and the front gored."
The remark indicated such an appreciative sense of the
grave perils of the hour, that I could only press softly the
little hand nearest my own, and tell her that her selection
of black instead of gay colors, to wear to the Impeachment,
would teach the world that woman knows how to feel for
the inexpressible woes of her distracted country. I told
her also, in trembling accents, that it would be a rebuke to
those who opposed female suffrage on the ground that her
sex knew not how to judge great national events ; and
besought her not to let her exquisite sympathy with the
suffering nation lead her into too plain a waist.
An air of patient sadness and resignation characterized
the whole aspect of the grenadine maiden, and said she,
" Pearl-colored poplin with vandyke flounces, and tan-
colored gloves, may do for the gay when pleasure s throng
SMOKED GLASS. 51
is nigh ; but at such a moment as this, I love my afflicted
native land too well to wear anything but jet bead trim
mings and a Marie Antoinette scarf."
Think of this, my boy, in your own home, when some
thoughtful, loving face bends over your shoulder, and a
low, sweet voice asks to be taken to the Impeachment,
Think of it when, in a moment of brutal irritation, you
would speak sharply to the gentle creature who wishes to
lay down her organdy and poplin for her country and is
none the less earnest in such self-sacrifice because she thinks
that Impeachment must be something like the opera.
While. Impeachment is being prepared for the stage, I
pass much of my time in fashionable grenadine society,
studying the fair young women of the Republic in all their
beautiful intellectual phases ; and as no one of them has
thus far encouraged me to write her alone, I do now beg
leave, with the utmost courtesy ,- to address them all.
You need not be informed, young ladies, that a majority
of those excellent and rather mature persons hitherto favor
ing you with counsel and criticism in print have adopted
a didactic and grievous strain, somewhat suggestive of
those terrors to the young known as spectacles. There is
at all times about a pair of spectacles a certain oppressive
glare of severe human knowledge, not to say patriarchal
malevolence, which continually forces upon observing
youth a sense of infantile shortcomings, and a vague con
sciousness of unparalleled crime. The concentrated glare
of the spectacles of six clergymen with blue umbrellas, at a
52 OPTICAL NUDITY.
fashionable revival meeting, has been known to make a fair
girl of thirty utterly embittered against herself and her
frivolous younger sister for two weeks; and it is upon
record that a lovely seminary scholar, who had received a
note from a young man of limited salary, was induced, by
the spectacles of a maiden aunt, to confess herself guilty
of murder.
The kind of literature suggesting spectacles is apt to
have a like crushing and enfeebling effect, causing the
young partaker either to experience a morose realization
of the general inability of youth to surpass palpable idiocy
in anything; or to indulge in those untimely slumbers
which notoriously indicate a criminal indifference to the
most momentous interests of the celebrated Human Family.
It may, indeed, be truthfully said, that the relentless reit
erative references to that same domestic circle, in this kind
of literature, have had a tendency to gift the minds of the
incorrigibly immature with an impression of a u Family
wearing spectacles of the most vindictive manufacture, and
continually glaring righteous indignation at an innumer
able host of youthful conspirators against its most sacred
rights.
Let it be my object then, young ladies, to counsel you,
kindly and courteously, through the medium of a style be
traying what may be delicately mentioned as the disrobed
eye, basing my supposition of your needs upon your com
prehensive aspect . to the undraped optic ; and tendering
advice at no time savoring more of artificial vision than may
SMOKED GLASS. 53
possibly bo involved in an occasional hint of the two little
orphan goggles casually bestriding the nose of innocent
and harmless manhood.
Long and thoughtful contemplation of your delightful
sex through a piece of Smoked Glass which I use to pro
tect my eyes from over-dazzling has impressed me with
a firm belief in the unquestionable superiority of all young
ladies to their parents ; and I would especially bring to
your attention the manifest propriety of discountenancing
any familiarity from your mothers when in society. If
obliged to go with your tiresome maternals to any social
gathering, you may reclaim your freedom immediately
upon entering the room by slipping abstractedly away in
the direction of the piano, and from thenceforth being
artlessly forgetful of all messages forwarded to you, and
miraculously blind to all beckonings and elevations of fans.
Sentimental dry-goods clerks have, before now, been greatly
stricken at heart by such evidences of refined feminine
spirit ; and distinguished foreigners have more than once
been tempted into offering their hands and hearts, by well-
timed exhibitions of filial contempt, quite forgetful, in
the enthralling excitement of the moment, of the wives
they already had in their own countries.
In fact, this question of the management of would-be
familiar mothers is of vital importance to the dignity of
your whole young ladyhood, and should have a large part
of its treatment at home, where forward mothers are only
too apt to presume upon accidental amiability. Guarding
5*
54 KEEP ABOVE PAR.
yourselves vigorously against the vulgarizing entertain
ment of any old-fashioned idea of humdrum u duty," as
the bores call it, let it be your business to watch jealously
for the first approach to undue freedom, on the part of the
vain old ladies, and then give them immediately to under
stand that you are not children now, ma, if you please.
This wholesome reminder, administered with a proper
sweep of the skirts and pensive glance toward the nearest
mirror, is one of the finest possible illustrations of firmness
of character. Well-disciplined mothers will seldom ven
ture to express unasked opinions regarding the colors and
styles of dresses patronized by their daughters; but in
cases where some momentary indulgence has deluded them
into this greater liberty, there is nothing like a well-
slammed door, or an immediate practice of the scales at
the piano. Well-slammed doors and those eternal scales
are the tremendous instruments of rebuke and torture
with which your sex can at any time make life a burden to
a whole flock of enemies.
In the subjection of your fathers to their proper condi
tion of helpless neutrality and financial liberality, you
must exercise more gradual measures; for a certain low
kind of conceited importance clings to a man as long as he
lives, and often incites him to desperate efforts for the
enslavement of his natural owners his children. It will
be a great aid to your work of " reconstruction," if these
necessary afflictions have the habit of smoking. You will
then have a perfectly just excuse for seeing as little of
SMOKED GLASS- 55
them as possible, and gradually breaking their spirits and
humbling them in their own estimations, by casually throw
ing out hints at the breakfast-table about being almost
choked whenever you go near pa s room. Pa thus has
impressed upon him a sense of his own degradation, and will
feel himself but poorly compensating for the great trial he
is to you, by abjectly and promptly responding to all de
mands upon his purse. lie will also hand your fan and
shawl to you after the ball, when some promising young
man is to be emphatically recalled to a sense of his con
tinued insignificance. In fact, a well-behaved father is
useful in many ways, when trained with a firm hand, and
the skill employed in teaching him his tricks is never
wasted.
In regard to the piano which you all indubitably owe to
society, young ladies, I would unhesitatingly counsel sys
tematic violence in the whole Italian department, and a
principled unconsciousness of the existence of any genteel
compositions in English. That is to say, you should thus
exhibit your piano in society ; though at home it will be
good policy to select some one national air as a means of
embittering the souls of your parents against music for
ever, and thus ridding yourselves of those importunings for
specimens of your skill with which only perfect strangers
have any right to assail you. A really great effect can be
achieved in company by miss-keying a little when you first
take seat at the instrument, and then looking artlessly up
at the most eligible set of whiskers present, as who should
56 DETECTED DAMSELDOM.
say : Oh dear ! what a frightful creature I am ! Promptly
follow this by an impatient straightening-up, an archly
affectionate glance, as for playful help, toward some other
young lady whom you have met that evening for the first
time, and an instant plunge of all your fingers into the
most deafening of the notes ; and you will make the eli
gible whiskers ruin himself with bouquets for you in less
than a month.
Additionally to the piano, you also owe to society a
strict abstinence from anything approximating to Nature ;
which, as all well-bred people know, is something vulgarly
cheap and only patronized by the lower classes. You
must select, models for yourselves from those practitioners
of the graces in your own sex whose fashionable campaigns
have made them your superiors in art, and whom you will
speedily know by the intense envy and hatred you will feel
toward them from the first. The envy and hatred in
question will not be what common people call by those
names at all ; they will really be the refined mental com
ponents of a high order of intellectual energy, developing
in you a genius for imitation conserving the loftiest art.
To make perfect your Artificiality, however, to make
it irresistibly eloquent of womanhood s most exquisite
sensibilities, you must manage to subdue it here and
there with little touches of girlish prettiness. Thus,
when conversing in society, or even in the conservatory at
home, with some eligible son of a rich Contractor, you can
appear sweetly thoughtful and girlishly innocent by a
SMOKED GLASS. 57
judicious bit of by-play with your lace pocket-handker
chief. Supposing you to have prepared yourself before
hand with a handkerchief carelessly throAvn over your
shoulders, you talk yourself apparently into a gentle sort
of dreamy abstraction; and then, with your eyes softly
fixed on vacancy, though still talking, you unconsciously
as it were carry one end of your handkerchief to the
mouth with the forefinger of your right hand, and keep
pushing it thus, inch ,, by inch, through your lips fts you
stand, until the other end falls from your shoulders and
the whole handkerchief drops to the floor. This rouses
you from your pretty reverie with a start, and (if possible
of production) a blush ; you make a half-motion to pick it
up ; the eligible captive is too quick for you, however, and
succeeds in lifting the prize just as the most enthralling
of little slippers is darted out to save it. Don t you see
the inimitable hit thus made ? Don t you see how natural
it must be after that for the eligible son of a Contractor
to insist upon keeping the handkerchief, and thus hope
lessly commit himself ?
These little touches of girlish prettiness are indeed of
the utmost importance to you, young ladies, and always
convince the sensible masculine observer that you have
those tender and confiding qualities of heart which would
enable loving husbands to leacl you by a thread.
I would even specialize one more of these touches, lest
you in your uncalculating guilelessness should forget it.
I would have you bear in mind the really beautiful device
58 BE ARTLESS WITH A HE.
of having particular female friends of jour own age, and
rather plainer than yourselves, whose waists you can fre
quently embrace in public, and whom you can habitually
salute as "darling love," "my precious," " clieri" or
"my darling dear," when gentlemen are present. No
eligible single gentleman was ever known to be proof
against this Arcadian little will you excuse me ?
dodge. It is not in a single gentleman of means to
make head against such an artless evidence of your inex
pressible capacity for loving.
In the matter of conversation, society expects you to
express ignorance of every material thing in the world as
grammatically as possible. It also expects you to practise
the phrase, "How Perfectly Ridiculous," until you can
use it as a reply and comment to and upon everything not
supposed to be of daily occurrence in high life. As,
" Did you hear, Miss Gusherby, that your father s old
partner had committed suicide? "
" How Perfectly Ridiculous ! "
"0 Morianna Gusherby! I shall never get over it
I m sure I shan t. I saw a man run over in front of
Stewart s to-day, and the stage- wheels went right over his
face ! "
" How Perfectly Ridiculous ! "
Politics, of course, are too horrid to be talked about at
all, save in that generaleasy and graceful superciliousness
of tone toward anything original with your own country
which infallibly indicates aristocratic elevation of senti-
SMOKED GLASS. 59
ment. Quite a reputation for intellect, too, may possibly
be gained by a rather scornful mention of Mr. Greeley as
un ami des noirs. This is supposing, of course, that
you have studied French sufficiently to know where to find
convenient phrases- in the back of Worcester s larger Dic
tionary.
Possibly you will accuse me, young ladies, of counsel
ling you as though you were all expected to act precisely
alike were all to be exact repetitions, or reflections, of
each other ; but such implied and intolerable sarcasm is
by no means characteristic of my courteous intent. In
my large experience of the world and perfect familiarity
with the most estimable qualities of your sex, I have seen
the most brilliant effects produced, by some of you, upon
plans quite distinct from those occupying so much of this
letter.
For instance : I have known some of you to bless so
ciety with a real Sensation, by continually maintaining a
Thoughtful and Sceptical aspect, as though enduring the
contact of the gay, giddy world only upon sufferance, and
perpetually filled with a sadly-sweet longing for the spirit
ual companionship of barely one Real Friend. Your de
meanor has conveyed an idea of the most touching, patient
suffering, and you have allowed it to be whispered about
that your life-long affliction is a want of True Sympathy,
an eternal yearning for Some One who can Truly Under
stand you. It is recorded, in some musty tradition or
other, that this tone of bearing in the fashionable female
60 CHIGNONNE.
young, was attributed by our rude ancestors to Dyspepsia,
a barbarous disease anciently produced by a too ardent
addiction to boarding-school candies, vinegar, and slate-
pencils. Now, however, all genteel persons know it to be
an indication of a finely strung nature, and the young
man who can Truly Understand does not struggle long
against his fate.
To succeed in this plan, however, requires a force of
character of which many fine feminine organisms are not
at all times capable. Being aware of this fact, it affords
me the greater pleasure to set, with all humility, before
you, another and no less effective means of indicating dis
tinctive traits to the world. It is possible for you to show
a decided individuality by the Dressing of your Hair ; and,
perhaps, I cannot more clearly illustrate to you the won
derful use of Hair-dressing alone to epitomize all that, there
is of distinguishing character in your gracious sex, than
by submitting to your indulgent attention an authenti
cated biography* of
THE HAIRESS.
In Rutgers halls a maid I knew,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
She d lips of red and eyes of blue,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed ;
Such a taper waist and a lovely arm
And shoulders white were enough to charm
* Rutgers Institute, a fashionable female seminary on Fifth Avenue, N.Y.
SMOKED GLASS. 61
The sourest saint and his heart alarm
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
ii.
She had a brow of Grecian mould,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed ;
The nose that Venus wore of old,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
Her rosy mouth was a kiss divine,
Preserved, as twere, in a ruby wine,
Through which its sweets, to tempt, might shine
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
She sat upon the scholar s bench,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed,
To study music, Greek, and French,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
She flirted with Signer Shaykantrill,
Who taught her opera and quadrille,
And managed of novels to read her fill,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
IV.
They took her from the boarding-school,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
And had her robed in silk and tulle,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
She entered society s bright pell-mell,
And took the palm of the reigning belle,
And cast upon every heart a spell,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
v.
She drove a phaeton in the Park,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
6
62 RAIL ENJOYMENT.
Came back to dinner just at dark,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
She went to the matinee, ball, and rout,
To dance, to simper, to smile, and pout;
And then to the Springs when the ton went out,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
VI.
Not long had such a nymph to wait,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
For one to be her lord and mate,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
Twas the son of a heavy dry -goods man
One night at a hop picked up her fan;
And she promised to share his heart and span,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
vn.
Returned to town an autumn-bride,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed,
She took a coach, and ma inside,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
Went straight to Stewart s to buy the things
That women wear in the place of wings,
And ordered of Tiffany pearls by strings,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
VIII.
She had a wedding a la mode,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed ;
And then to Jersey Ferry rode,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
For Washington City they took the train,
Where the honeymoon should wax and wane,
And over the rails she sped amain,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
SMOKED GLASS. 68
The nation s wisdom greeted her,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
She made the season all astir,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
She flirted with Senators sharp and snub,
While her liege and lord was at tho club,
And shono supreme at dance and rub,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
Her husband saw her doing thus,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed ;
She begged him not to make a fuss,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
But he was resolved on a homeward trip,
And little he heeded her pouting lip,
And home she came in his bearish grip,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
XI.
Upon the train she felt a chill,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
It made her quickly very ill,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
The bonnet she wore was so very small
That it scarcely seemed a bonnet at all;
And how could she cover her head in a shawl,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed ?
XII.
Arrived in town she went to bed,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed,
And coughed enough to split her head,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed:
64 SUMMUM BEAUNUM
The doctors came in a stately host,
And with powder and pill the patient dosed;
But in less than a week she became a ghost,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed.
XIII.
In garments rich she slept her last,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
And to a better world had passed,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed;
Where the snow melts first in the breath of spring,
And the sweetest birds the latest sing,
She waits the great awakening,
With her hair unbecomingly dressed !
And now, that I have humbly and modestly tendered
all this earnest advice to you, let me add the wish that
you may " Ever be happy," and thus qualify yourselves
to become ultimately the " Pride of the pirate s heart."
You have throngs of manly admirers always around you,
many of whom are even ready to become husbands as soon
as they can afford it; but not one of them all is more
devoutly an adorer and slave, young ladies, than the retir
ing individual who counts it the sum of all earthly honors
to sign himself
Your own Chevalier,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER IV.
EXPLAINING THE SURPRISING EQUANIMITY OF A NATION UNDER COMPLI
CATED MISFORTUNES BY THE PARALLEL CASE OF A GREAT PHILOSOPHER
OF THE SIXTH WARD; CONFESSING THE INEXPLICABLE LEVITY PRODUCED
BY THE HONEST SENTIMENTS OF A SOLID BOSTON MAN; AND CELEBRATING
THE GRAND OPENING OF THE THEATRE OF WAR WITH THE SPECTACULAR
DRAMA OF IMPEACHMENT.
WASHINGTON, D. C , March 26, 1868.
EVEN as the exciting able editor of some reliable Amer
ican morning journal surveys the whole world from his
third-story backroom, and is sufficiently weakened in his
mind thereby to write such an article on the Present State
of the Universe as shall at once fill out a column, and spare
his subscribers the shock of being tempted to read the
"editorial page" for once in their lives; so do I look
abroad, my boy, from the window of my room at Willard s
upon this entire humorous nation of ours, and am so en
feebled in intellect by the spectacle of its unspeakable
equanimity under Reconstruction and Impeachment, that
orders for thoughtful newspaper-articles upon the Progress
of Democratic Principles in Russia may be forwarded at
once to my address. As I look thus extensively abroad
after incidentally nodding in a chaste and pleasing manner
to a grenadine maiden at another casement I cannot
help observing to myself, " This is, indeed, equanimity,"
c* 65
66 A BEAM IN HIS OWN EYE.
and reminds me of what once occurred in the Sixth
Ward.
In that cradle of American liberty in which many a one
has been "rocked" by political persons of Irish descent,
there formerly resided a middle-aged top, of dumpling
forehead and continual fatness of smile, who went beam
ing around everywhere like a private sun with spectacles
on, and passed through two panics, and a cholera season,
with so much equanimity that his friends concluded he
must be either a statue of George Washington or a great
philosopher. Did a vast fire break out in his district, an
election go this way or that way, or a riot destroy all his
neighbors windows, this fine old top would be out next
morning in a perfect sunrise of contented smile, cover
ing everybody all over with placidity, and being taken
by strangers for both Benjamin Franklin and Mr. Greeley.
Did half his family try to put him out of the house, or his
two only sons half kill each other in a domestic fight, this
calm old top would keep shining on harder than ever, and
plastering up his head and going to his daily business
with such bright looks that many mistook him for an un
married man. Persons from other wards would go to him
and expostulate against so much equanimity, telling him
that it injured the value of their property and produced
sickness in their minds ; but he only shook hands with
them all round in an extremely affectionate manner, and
went beaming away to attend the funeral of his brother.
At last, however, a crowning calamity seemed to threaten
SMOKED GLASS. 67
this radiant top, and all his wife s relatives hoped that his
time had come. In a high-moral life insurance company,
of which he was an immense stockholder, a great dispute
took place between the President and the Board of Direc
tors. The former, between two meetings of the Board,
took the responsibility of getting out a new style of " Pol
icy," by which the person who insured under it was obliged
to assert no more than that he had a sound Constitution.
The Secretary of the Company, who had been made such
under a former President, opposed this style of Policy
with all his might ; whereupon, the President suspended
him from office, put in a Secretary ad interim, removed
such agents of the Company in other cities as refused to
adopt the new Policy, and commenced doing such a whole
sale Constitutional business that all creation bade fair to be
insured in a month. Then came the Meeting of the Direc
tors, a majority of whom were patent-medicine men, and
who, in the original Policy, had specified not only that the
insured should have sound Constitutions, but that said
soundness should have been specially produced by the use
(affirmed under oath) of their patent-medicines. The
Directors reinstated the original Secretary and Policy;
the defiant President was arraigned before the Board with
a view to his supersedure by the Vice-President ; and, in
the ensuing public scandal, the whole business of the Com
pany stood .still.*
* Substitute the word Reconstruction for " Insurance," and this is a just
and exact illustration of the quarrel between President Johnson and Congress.
68 POLICY THE BEST NON EST-Y.
Then all the wife s relatives of the middle-aged and
philosophical top believed that they had him at last, and
repaired in a body to his private residence to witness the
overwhelming defeat of his equanimity ; but to their un
speakable disgust they found him perusing, in great com
fort, the latest news of the trouble in a stentorian daily
journal, the while his features shone with that debilitating
serenity which eternally characterizes the photographs we
have taken for our unmarried female friends.
" Old man!" cried the relatives, rending their gar
ments, and feeling sorry for it immediately after; " do
you realize that this quarrel will ruin you, by making
your stock in the Company worthless ? How, oh how ! un
der this last awful go, can you exhibit so much equanimity ? "
" My friends," said this vivacious top, with a pleased
expression, " why should I shed the briny? Under the
Director s Policy there would never be any business at
all, which would be ruin. Under the President s Policy
the business would be wholesale recklessness, which would
be ruin ; and in the fight between the two Policies there
is ruin any way. Give my love to your families, and send
in the Sheriff."
After which the imperturbable top went cheerfully hum
ming to put on his gaiters; and tripped away, with the
utmost satisfaction, to register his name under the Bank
rupt Act.
I have been thinking, my boy, I have been thinking,
that perhaps the curious medical treatment of having its
SMOKED GLASS. 69
lower limbs kept in hot water for years, accompanied by the
amazing surgical operation of having its head slowly sawed
off, may not be the surest means of restoring health to the
nation ; and that the inexpressible equanimity of the latter
under Reconstruction and Impeachment may possibly be
based upon a philosophy like that which I have celebrated.
Discussing -this and other great questions, I was walking
down Pennsylvania Avenue with a solid Boston man yes
terday, when we ran against a fellow-being who, with his
back toward us, was attentively contemplating our national
banner as it floated over a building near by. With arms
folded, head thrown back, and the south-east corner of the
Ten-of-Clubs accidentally protruding below the lining of his
soft black hat, he reminded me somewhat of Hamlet, just
prior to his little affair with Laertes ; but, upon looking more
closely, I recognized the Conservative Kentucky Chap.
" Well met, my < Knight of the Golden Circle ! " cried
I, introducing my friend ; " what cheer ? "
" Hem ! " says the Kentucky Chap, " the National Dem
ocratic Organization, of which Kentucky is the pride,
knows nothing whatsoever about any golden circle except
the Whiskey Ring. "
Here the Conservative Kentucky Chap gazed again at
the floating standard, and says he,
"When I look upon that picture of Kentucky s starry
sky, and remember that ten stars in the constellation are
still kept in eclipse by the negro-suffrage despotism of
New England, I feel as though the ten of diamonds had
TO OF COURSE HE DIDN T MEAN .
slipped out of the pack and left Kentucky to be euchred
by New Hampshire. "^
Here the solid Boston man breathed very hard, as
though he had just arisen from his usual morning prayer
to Dickens, and says he,
" Did you speak to me, Rebel ? "
The Kentucky Chap scowled such an intense frown of
assent that the four of clubs worked down out of his hat to
the brow of his left eye, and gave him the appearance of
being under treatment for ophthalmia.
" That flag is for every American freeman ! " says the
solid Boston man, i i and is favorably mentioned in the
works of Dr. Holmes as such. Next to the Hoosac Tun
nel and Ticknor & Fields new bookshop, it is dearer to
every loyal bosom, whether white or black, than all else
in the wide world. And shall its stars shine for the white
Rebel while the sable loyalist is forgotten? Forbid it,
Bunker Hill ! I tell you," exclaimed the solid Boston
man, growing purple in the face, "that Massachusetts has
at length decided to raise the free-negro race to their birth
right under the national stars, even though it should be
necessary to trust that flag entirely to black guards ! "
He meant it honestly, my boy ; he almost cried under
his keen sense of the magnanimous intention of Massachu
setts ; but upon catching the intensely cocked eye of the
Conservative Kentucky Chap, I coughed in a manner quite
unfamiliar to our highest-priced physicians; and slapped
* New Hampshire had just elected a Republican State ticket.
SMOKED GLASS. 71
Kentucky s favorite son so severely upon the back, to save
him from inexplicable choking, that a small black case-
bottle and three court-cards shot out of his forward vest
ments like meteors from a cloud.
Fain would this friendly pen pursue the theme, were it
not for a card inscribed as follows,
IMPEACHMENT MATINEE.
DKESS CIRCLE.
GENTLEMAN AND LADY.
SEASON TICKET.
(Forney Print.) (Show to Usher.)
This ticket lies here upon my desk ; and below it is a
smaller one, answering to the between-acts " check " of
other theatres, and intended for use at the door when you
desire to leave for a few moments. It is inscribed, simply,
TICKET OF LEAVE.
and admits the bearer to the theatre again, after he shall
have procured the glass of water and eaten the clove, to
lunch upon which he went out.
Promptly, at one o clock, on two days of this week, I
used the first of the above tickets, and had the pleasure of
escorting a fashionable maiden, of imperceptible bonnet, to
one of the best seats in the house. Let this agile pen
72 NO LUCID INTERVALS.
move slowly, my boy ; and this ink, which is of the color
of the freed-negro race, flow gently, while I recall the
scene that burst upon my vision and must have broken
many pairs of spectacles. After seating the maiden, and
giving her half an hour to complete that pulling of skirts
with which the bell-shaped women of America are wont to
soothe the nerves of all beholders at church and the opera,
I pulled out my piece of Smoked Glass, and began my sur
vey of a national pageant which were over-dazzling to eyes
not thus protected. Two injuriously lustrous planets at
once saluted my startled gaze, fixed in line, on an appar
ent firmament of deep blue ; but before I could express the
opinion that I must be going mad, or that something seri
ously astronomical must be the matter with my orbs, the
shining twain resolved themselves into two gorgeous brass
buttons upon the cerulean dress-coat of a military being
who had affably taken a standing position right in front of
my Smoked Glass.
" Excuse me, sir," said I, with bitter sarcasm; "but,
as you have not a pane in your stomach, I cannot see
through you."
" Ah ! " said a familiar voice, "if I d thought of that,
my fren , I d have worn my sash."
Directing my Smoked Glass to his face, which was now
turned toward me, I recognized Captain Villiam Brown j
who, with his own bit of glass, had been engagingly ob
serving the innumerable organdy and grenadine maidens in
the dress-circle.
SMOKED GLASS. 73
"Ha, my Lord Cardigan," said I, after excusing my
self to the lady in my own care, and moving away with
the Mackerel hero, " do you come here to study the Black
Crook which our national affairs seem to have taken, or are
you present rather as an indifferent spectator of the White
Forney?"*
" My fren ," says Villiam, taking a handful of peanuts
from one of his pockets and giving me half, " I come to
the High Court of Impeachment to examine the fashions,
and see whether bonnets have got low enough yet to make
it safe to enter into the 5-20 bonds of wedlock."
" I don t know about the bonnets," said I, calmly ; "for
my Smoked Glass does not magnify enough to reveal them
to me. But this season s dresses are certainly low enough
in the neck."
" Ah ! " says Villiam, severely ; " the dresses of some
of these fair beings are so low, that they are virtually a
take-off of everything our mothers used to wear. Hum ! "
says Villiam, anxiously, " some of them will take cold in
this changeable weather if they don t put on more fans."
Thus speaking, he left me, and I hastened to the grena
dine of my choice, carrying thither one of the programmes,
reading thus,
.* The " Black Crook" and the " White Fawn " were two spectacular ballets
of the most meretricious " French school," which had, successively, occupied
the stage of the metropolitan play-house for nearly two years, and rendered
the latter eligible for the title of moral plague-house.
7
74 PLAY ON WORDS.
THEATRE OF WAR.
Managers and Proprietors, . . . STEVENS & Co.
Treasurer, . . . . . . . U. S. BOND.
Prompter, . . . . . .A. WHITEHOUSE.
The management have the honor to announce the com
pletion of their arrangements for the production of an en
tirely new adaptation from English and French theatres,
entitled
IMPEACHMENT;
OR,
THE MAN WITHOUT A FRIEND;
which will be produced with the following great cast:
Man Without a friend, . . . . A. JOHNSON.
Macbeth, .... . . . B. WADE.
Mephistophiles, . . . . THADDEUS STEVENS.
lago, MANTON MARBLE.
Mrs. Caudle, H. GREELEY.
Harlequin, . . . . . . J. G. BENNETT.
Joseph Surface, . ..... H.J.RAYMOND.
First Supernumerary, , . . . S. P. CHASE.
Deserters, ... . DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
Corps de Bully, . . . BUTLEE, BINGHAM, & Co.
To be followed by the ever-popular farce of
" RECONSTRUCTION,"
to which has recently been added an Alabama breakdown.*
. Performance commences with an OVER
TURE (for "more time") . . By Mr. STANBERY.
* By popular vote, unreconstructed Alabama had recently rejected the Con
stitution which would have restored her to representation in Congress.
SMOKED GLASS. 75
As I looked down from the dress-circle into the pit dur
ing the opening scenes, and brought my bit of Smoked
Glass to bear upon one after another of the great actors,
there came upon me an unseemly disposition to mislead the
intellect of the innocent being at my side, and encourage
her to believe that the scene then " on" was intended to
represent a fashionable dining-saloon.
"Why," she whispered, "does that fine-looking creat
ure, at the top table, rap so?"
It was the Chief Justice rapping for order, but I told
her that he was knocking for a waiter to come and take
his order.
Was this wrong, my boy ? Did I thereby cast ridicule
upon the majestic judicial proceedings of the United States
of America, and fill the subtle mind of woman with mis
taken imaginings ? Perhaps so, my Pythias ; perhaps so ;
but she thought that first scene was laid in an eating-
house, and kept wondering why the tables of the Counsel
and Managers were not furnished at least with some repre
sentative of Ham.
Speaking of the latter, I was conversing last evening
with the former chaplain of the Mackerel Brigade, con
cerning the President s line of defence ; and suggested to
him, that, inasmuch as Mr. Johnson is a tailor by profes
sion, and therefore, according to popular belief, only one-
ninth of a man, it was palpably unfair for the Senate to
be his jury.
" How so ? " asked the chaplain.
76 HAMERICA.
"Why," said I; "can there be any fairness in pitting
a one-ninth-er against so many Se n-a-tors? "
"Young man," quoth the Mackerel Chaplain, abstract
edly; "the judgment of Heaven has fallen upon the
President because of his recreancy to the hapless children
of Ham, whose Moses he had promised to be. A black
hand stretched to Deity in a prayer for merited retribu
tion may be stronger than the white hand that invokes a
blessing undeserved."
How true that is, my boy, especially when you re
member of what little account has been that blessing once
invoked for yourself by the hand of your father ! A.
Johnson is doomed. Off with his head ! So much for
bucking Ham !
Yours, Shakespeareanly,
ORPHEUS C. KERB.
LETTER V.
INTRODUCING AN IMPECUNIOUS BUT LOYAL - SOUTHERN CAVALIER J DE
PICTING A GORGEOUS STAGE-PROCESSION IN THE MIGHTY SPECTACLE
OF IMPEACHMENT; REPORTING THE UNEXAMPLED AND CONVINCING
INAUGURAL ARGUMENT OF MANAGER BUTLER, AND THE VISIBLE CON
STERNATION OF NERVOUS AUDITORS THEREAT.
WASHINGTON, D. C., April 3, 1868.
EVEN as the blue-and-brassy bee, with one knowing eye
fixed all the time upon some goodly cabbage-rose, dallies
with meaner flowers by way of adding relish to the sweet
delayed, so do I aggravate myself with baser themes only
to make the grander, when it comes, the full majesty of
Impeachment. Be it known to you at last, however, that
on the occasion of my second visit, with the Mackerel
Chaplain, to the theatre where this successful piece is now
running, we found at the entrance thereof one of the most
loyal Southerners that ever refrained from taking up arms
against the Union on account of sickness. His name is
Loyola Munchausen, brother of Captain Munchausen, late
of the well-known Southern Confederacy ; and as I gazed
upon his spring-overcoat neatly manufactured from four
Confederate buttons and a bed-tick, his dress-hat composed
of half a boot-leg, mounted on one of those rims of tin
through which stove-pipes enter chimneys ; his Parisian
stock representing a spare strap with buckle from an old
7* 77
78 WHO WRITE THE WRONG.
trunk, and his April waistcoat worked up from a remnant
of once valuable stair-carpet, I could not help murmur
ing sadly to myself, He does not look as wealthy as he
did. ;
At the moment of our meeting, this reduced but impres
sive Southern being was fumbling in the eastern pocket of
a pair of nether-garments, which seemed to have been
hastily made from a quilted green merino petticoat, and
drew forth from thence the clam-shell which served him
as a pocket-book. To spare his feelings, I dropped my
glance to his feet, which were plainly encased in a pair of
stirrups ; but was not quick enough to avoid discovering
that the sole contents of his treasury were a shoe-string, a
burnt match, and a cancelled postage-stamp. Noticing my
look, he loftily donned a pair of white cotton socks, in
place of gloves, and says he,
" What would you, Vandal? "
Grasping his left hand, and nearly wringing the sock
off, I saluted him as the brother of the very mirror of chiv
alry, and reminded him that I had been a war-corre
spondent of an excellent Union journal while Captain
Munchausen was a Confederacy.
" War-correspondent, " says he, twirling the curtain-rod
which he carried as a cane, " war-correspondent ?" He
smiled darkly and says he, -"In that case, the sunny
South forgives you ; for you must have been a real mis
fortune to her foes. I was about to purchase a ticket here.
SMOKED GLASS. 79
but find that I must have left that hundred-dollar bill in
my other coat-pocket."
" Come in with us," said I, gravely, " for we have sea
son-tickets for two ; and, as the audience is almost wholly
feminine, we should be at least three-strong to divide its
staring and bad manners."
"The ladies, sir," observed Loyola Munchausen, kiss
ing his right sock, " may stare at me in a manner which I
would not tolerate in a man for, as a true Southern gen
tleman, I adore the sex ; but, sir, if one solitary Yankee
Vandal presumes to fix upon me the gaze of a conqueror,
there will be ha ! ha ! there will be another war."
After which he tucked the curtain-rod under one arm in
a stylish and Malacca manner, settled the boot-leg and tin
rim more firmly upon his brow, and accompanied us into the
gallery, like one who had gone through a financial panic
without detraction from his largest-sized demeanor.
Shall I confide unto you, my boy, how I lent the
wealthy Southron my piece of Smoked Glass, through
which to observe, without detriment to his sight, the most
brilliant scene in our distracted national history ; and
pointed out to him all the great men I could think of,
without troubling myself much as to whether they really
were those great men or not ? Shall I confide to you that
I gave all the principal female names in history to as
many spring-bonnets as I could see ? Let me do nothing
of the kind ; for is not such conduct the exclusive privilege
80 THE MARCH OF INTELLECT.
of the fashionable Washington correspondents of all our
reliable morning journals ?
But what is this procession that mine eyes behold, en
tering upon the stage ?
THE SERGEANT-AT-ARMS,
proclaiming that Impeachment is now about to begin.
Followed by
THE CHIEF JUSTICE,
asking himself the great question, "Am I am I, or am I
not am I? "
After whom came
A BLACKSMITH,
to " rivet the attention of the audience ; "
A CARPENTER,
to erect scaffolds for those disposed to "hang upon the
speaker s words; "
A GARDENER,
to attend such as may be " withered by his invective ; "
MAN WITH HOSE,
to extinguish parties " fired by his eloquence."
Succeeded by the following
MANAGERS I
Thaddeus Stevens, Thaddeus Butler,
Thaddeus Bingham, Thaddeus Logan,
Thaddeus Boutwell, Thaddeus Williams,
Thaddeus Wilson.
SMOKED GLASS. 81
COUNSEL :
Andrew Stanbery, Andrew Curtis,
-Andrew Evarts, Andrew Nelson,
Andrew Groesbeck,
Senators, Witnesses, etc.
This procession having come fully into view, Thaddeus
Butler stepped forth to deliver the prologue of the piece,
which he gave in the form of an
ARGUMENT.
"MR. PRESIDENT AND GENTLEMEN OF THE SENATE:
The onerous duty has fallen to my fortune to present to
you, imperfectly as I must, the several absences of fact
and law by virtue of which the House of Representatives
will endeavor to sustain the cause of the people against
the President of the United States, now pending at your
bar. The difficulty of defining said people, the unpre
cedented novelty of said cause, the perfect gravity with
which we are trying to do it all, and the evident propriety
of holding out some idea that the questions to be submitted
to your adjudication have just occurred to us, each and
all must be my excuse for giving you as much speech as
human patience can endure.
" Now, for the first time in the history of the world,
has a nation brought its Chief Magistrate to grief, by high
legal process, for administering the powers and duties of
his high office in a manner somewhat disagreeable to the
feelings of those who expressly desired him to do other
wise. In other times and lands it has been found that
82 COULDN T SEE THE POINT.
despotism of this kind could never be brought to trial in
the courts, save upon rejoinder of the defendant to recover
costs and damages for frivolous prosecution, and, in the
absence of assassination, constitutional nations were obliged
to endure rulers who had been pronounced mad or imbecile
by many whom those rulers had blindly neglected to ap
point to high and remunerative office. Only recently,
one of the most civilized countries in the world, and the
one which we imitate and abuse the most, was obliged to
submit for years to the rule of a king currently believed
to be insane by every great man whom he had ever failed
to make a prime-minister ; and all this because nobody
could hit upon any particular reason for his removal.
l Our fathers were wiser in founding our government,
and provided, constitutionally, that a President * shall be
removed, on conviction of treason, bribery, or other high
crimes and misdemeanors. The provision is exact and
comprehensive in every particular, save one. It covers
the whole ground of Impeachment, save the specification
of just what a disagreeable man can be impeached for.
This was wisely done, because human foresight must have
been inadequate, and the most ingenious human intelli
gence must have failed in the task of anticipating any
thing like the fine point to which modern intellect has
brought the art of impeaching.
"It may not be unamusing to remember, that the
framers of our Constitution had their minds improved, and
their pride of human calculation humbled, while at their
SMOKED GLASS. 83
noble work, by an exemplary case. In the previous year,
only, Thaddeus Burke, from his place" in the House of
Commons of England, had impeached Thaddeus Hastings
for the misdemeanor of governing India in such a manner
as to absolutely render soldiers and politicians unnecessary
there. The mails were continually bringing the gorgeous
and burning speeches of the impeachers across the Atlan
tic ; and the great stress laid in these upon the above facts,
and upon the additional unheard-of enormity of Hastings
not having made a fortune by his government, so worked
upon the intellects of our fathers, that they at once gave
up all earthly hope of anticipating what a man might be
impeached for next, and left the document open for modern
improvements.
" Now, therefore, we have the question; what are
modern impeachable offences ? To quote from the learned
judiciary labors of my able friend, the Honorable Thad
deus Lawrence, of Ohio, we define an impeachable high
crime and misdemeanor to be an act committed or omitted
in violation of the Constitution, or in obedience thereto;
and this may exist without violation of any positive
law or essential principle, of government, yet be es
teemed otherwise by those ivho, from any motive or
purpose, desire to impeach.
"The first criticism which will strike the mind on a
thoughtful examination of this definition is, that some of
the despotic outrages enumerated in it are not within the
common-sense definition of Crimes. You will find, how-
84 ARTICLES OF VIRTU.
ever, upon turning to certain notes on the commentaries
of Thaddeus Blackstone, that l ivhen the ivords " high
crimes and misdemeanors" are used in Impeachment ,
such ivords have no real meaning whatever, but are
used merely to give unspeaJcable solemnity to the charge?
It being settled, therefore, that Impeachment may ensue
from an act either committed or omitted, and that the
terms of the accusation have really no earthly meaning,
we next proceed to consider whether there actually exists
any tribunal to try the case.
"The important question is, Does this Senate now sit as
a Court, a Jury, or a Coroner s Inquest? . The Constitu
tion seems to have determined it to be the latter, because,
under its provision, a man must be politically deceased
before he can get any justice from it. You cannot be a
Court, because there is no sign of law about any of your
proceedings. You cannot be a Jury, because you cannot
be challenged, and have made up your minds before hear
ing a word of the case. You consult no laws except the
laws of health, and hold an Inquest by those rules only
which refer to Parliamentary bodies. You are a law
unto yourselves and to no one else.
1 1 In the first eight Articles of our charge the respond
ent is accused of removing Secretary Stanton, and appoint
ing Mr. Thomas Secretary ad interim, when the latter
was really of an opposite political party from ours ;
which brings before the American Senate and people this
plain issue : Has the President, under the Constitution,
SMOKED GLASS. 85
the more than kingly prerogative to remove executive
officers of his own appointment, and replace tliem by
others who are not of our appointment ? If the respond
ent can prove the affirmative, why then the great question
arises, whether the Presidential office itself (if it has any
rights whatever) ought, in fact, to exist as a part of the
Constitutional government of a free people ? If not, the
respondent has no business to be President at all; and
whoever votes not guilty on our Articles, votes to sub
ject our free institutions for four years to the presidency
of any man who, being elected President, may choose to
officiate as such.
" Article ninth charges that Major-General Thaddeus
Emory being in command of the Military Department of
Washington, respondent did feloniously express to him the
belief that the Act of March 2, 1867, which provides
that all orders from the President shall first be composed
and afterward issued by General Thaddeus Grant, was
inconsistent with any presidential existence at all, with
intent thereby to induce Emory to feel some respect for
him, and not treat Thaddeus Stanton better than himself.
If this transaction stood alone, we might well admit that
doubts might arise as to whether the respondent could be
executed therefor ; but when we find him subsequently
offering a brevet to Lieutenant-General Sherman, is it not
plain that he wanted to ingratiate himself with the army,
so that at least one General Avould recognize him in the
street ? Is it not a high misdemeanor for the President
86
to accomplish an act, which, in the opinion of Congress,
if followed by another and different act, might lead to
something more than has occurred ?
l Article ten alleges that, intending to produce a
question of the undoubted superiority of Congress in the
odorous personalities of eloquence, he, Andrew Johnson,
President of the United States, did make public speeches
which, upon being compared with innumerable similar
speeches by Congress from time immemorial, are calcu
lated to produce the impression that Congress has at least
a competitor in the art of political vituperation, and to
destroy that confidence in the superior vulgarity of Con
gressional oratory which is one of the elements of our
national complacency. Competition of this kind with the
legislature has generally preceded a seizure by a despot
of the legislative power of the country; and if we,
through having set the example, cannot accuse the re
spondent of crime in attempting the first, we can at least
assume for his destruction that he really must have in
tended the latter.
The House of Representatives has done its duty. We
have presented the absence of facts in a constitutional
manner, and demand judgment at your hands, in prefer
ence to expecting it from your heads. I speak, therefore,
not the language of exaggeration, but the words of truth
and soberness, when I say, that the future political welfare
of quite a number of persons, not accustomed to doing any
SMOKED GLASS. 87
thing for a living, hangs trembling on the decision of the
hour." *
At the conclusion of this able argument, all of which I
heard through my piece of Smoked Glass, quite a number
of the audience who were not asleep fled stealthily from
the house with a strange kind of terror in their faces.
" Why is this ? " ejaculated I.
"They fly," says the Mackerel Chaplain, solemnly,
" because they know not at what hour they, too, may be
impeached. It is a serious time we live in, and who can
tell when he, she, or it, may be impeached? "
Put your house in order, my boy ; for if you have either
committed or omitted any act whatsoever, you are guilty
of a very high crime and misdemeanor.
Yours, criminally,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
* See Appendix for the original of this great Argument, 1.
LETTER VI.
WHICH ATTEMPTS THE SUBLIME, BUT SUCCEEDS TO A CERTAIN EXTENT
ONLY; YET QUOTES FAVORITE PASSAGES FROM THK PREVAILING
DRAMA AS THEY ARE BEING SIMULTANEOUSLY GROUND OUT, TO GREAT
APPLAUSE, BY " ORGANS " ALL ABOUT THE COUNTRY.
WASHINGTON, D. C., April 9, 1868.
THOUGH crash linked thunders on the ears of all, like
Titan statues- crumbling in their fall ; though burns the
lightning over wires of rain, as gods to gods did telegraph
the slain; though rocks Creation with the battle s din,
and Heav n s own portals let the war-fiends in ; still, above
all, slow circling in the sky, dark as the storm and as the
azure high, sweeps the lone Bird whose wing-ed throne of
air finds in the whirlwind but a higher stair. Still,
while the tempest laps all earth below; still, while his
eyrie reels to thunder-blow; still, while the clouds from
night to instant morn blaze at his feet a nest for demons
born, crown of the gale in steady ring he flies, scathless,
of iron beak and glittering eyes; and the red bolts that
rive a world in wrath fright not his pinions from their
solemn path.
I allude, my boy, to that philosophical fowl, the Ameri
can eagle, whose unspeakable equanimity under national
disaster was what may be termed the egg of my lay two
88
SMOKED GLASS. 89
weeks ago, and to which I return with a still loftier lay
on this occasion. It is a curious and bewildering thing to
behold a bird of such unconquerable equilibrium, and I
was exchanging notes upon the subject with Captain Sam-
yule Sa-mith, when we were joined by a respectable chap,
of much tight pants, from New York.
" Well, my Central Parker," said I, impressively,
"how beats the pulse of the Empire State? Does the
great case, now being tried, excite in you that serious
interest and grave foreboding which every thoughtful
patriot should feel?"
" It does ! it does ! " sighed he, hastily putting on his
eye-glasses to look more like Fifth Avenue. " We all feel
anxious most anxious about the trial, since its result
must affect millions. This is indeed a serious time, and
woe be unto us if victory remains with the narrow-gauge
men."
"Yes, indeed," says I, sorrowfully; "those men who
presume to dictate everything to others by their own nar
row gauge, think more of themselves than of their coun
try." I shook his hand in deep sympathy, and says I,
" And what will you do in that event? "
" Why," says he, " we shall still take stock in the wide-
gauge; believing that it is sure, in any event, to reach
Chicago."
"You believe, then," said I, appreciatively, "that a
wider gauge of thought will be adopted by those who are
8*
90 IT-WILL-NOT-PAY-TPJOTISM.
shortly to meet in Chicago for the nomination of a new
President?"
He looked at me severely, and says he, 1 1 Would you
be kind enough, my inebriated friend, to tell me what you
are talking about? "
"The Impeachment Trial," says I, sternly. "What
other great case should I mean? "
" Oh," says he, "you spoke so seriously, that I thought
you meant the Erie Railroad case. I don t know much
about the other case."
" Samyule," said I, hotly, "what do you think of such
a state of public sentiment as this ? "
"Well, really," says Samyule, thoughtfully, "it
appears to me it really appears to me," says Samyule,
" that I never saw so much equilibrium."
Bird of my Country ! never mind what happens, but
just keep soaring on. If a few earthquakes should hap
pen to your native land at any tiine, accompanied by
small-pox, a new poem by Mr. Tupper, and other great
calamities, you will probably take that occasion to conduct
yourself like a cheerful canary.
In this state of things, my boy, when the terrible and
majestic drama of Impeachment fails to infect our Ameri
can fellow-beings with that seemly gravity which such a
performance should produce, it will not pay me it posi
tively will not pay me, my boy, to treat of it in my most
expensive and dignified manner. Mr. Greeley s very
longest " Advice to Young Men " was never received with
SMOKED GLASS. 91
more scandalous alternations of slumber and levity than
an unworthy but comic nation has given to this impressive
production ; and I come of too respectable a family to set
forth all the awful details of an inexpressible public solem
nity merely for the benefit of an unseasonably hilarious
populace. When a great and exciting, people get down to
this depth of irreverence, it is time for Bancroft, Motley,
and myself to spare ourselves a little in the more sacred
portions of our historical works.
Believing, however, that there may be here and there a
reader who, from being married, or from having under
taken to read the last number of the " Atlantic Monthly,"
is sufficiently wretched in his mind to take an interest in
the miseries of his country, I will quote for his benefit a
few passages from the dialogue of the terrible drama now
acting here,
SCENE, THE HIGH COURT OP IMPEACHMENT.
(The Senate discovered sitting as a Court. Enter Chief Justice, Managers
of Impeachment, Counsel for President, aud Witnesses.)
FIRST MANAGER.
Oh, say, did you see, as aforesaid, one night,
The person now known as ad interim Thomas,
Whoso broad straps and three stars on his shoulders upright,
The paraphernalia of greatness were rum as ?
Did his eyeball s red glare, and his bomb-bursting air,
Give proof that the President told him to scare
Our War-Office Stanton, and cause him to waive
His right to such place in the land of the brave ?
92 POPULAR AIRS.
FIRST WITNESS.
When last I saw old Thomas,
Twas at a fancy ball,
He had his regimentals on,
And looked uncommon tall.
I asked him what he meant to do
If Stanton urged a doubt
Concerning what he d power to try ?
He said he d kick him out.
As we talked of the place of war
That man of the army star,
Good-natured old soul,
Would have told me the whole,
Had I let him progress so far.
COUNSEL FOR THE PRESIDENT.
Believe us if all those familiar remarks
Thou hast heard from another were thine,
They would still be as dear to these manager-sharks,
And meet a construction as fine.
But we here cannot see why the language should be
As President Johnson s construed.
And herewith we protest, with our hand on our breast,
Against all such evidence crude.
FIRST MANAGER.
We can prove conspiracy
By the words he used, sir,
Twixt the President and him
If we re not confused, sir.
Witness, tell us all you said ;
Likewise all the man did.
Tell the tale, and keep it up,
And with the Court be candid.
SMOKED GLASS. . 93
FIRST WITNESS.
If you fail (said I to him),
Try, try again.
Delaware expects you to
Try, try again.
All that other folks can do,
Why, with patience, may not you ?
Delaware expects you to
Try, try again.
If I do (said he to me),
Try, try again,
Minister of War to be,
What happens then ?
What if Congress catch me there ?
You ll (said I) be still as fair
In the eyes of Delaware.
Try, try again.
COUNSEL FOB PRESIDENT.
Mid Delaware s apothegms though he may roam,
We still can see nothing that brings the charge home;
A charm from the skies may well hallow them there,
But, search through the world, they re not wanted elsewhere.
Come ! come ! But-l-er, come !
We wish to hear something that brings the charge home.
FIRST MANAGER.
Witness second, take the stand,
Please to raise your honest hand,
And we ll swear you to assert but what is true.
As reporter you ll revamp
All that Johnson on his tramp
Through the Western States was pleased to say and do.
Tramp, tramp, tramp, you went reporting;
Cheer up mem ry, now, and tell
What his speeches were about when the rabble called him out,
And you caught his words of anger as they fell.
94 MELLOW D .
COUNSEL FOB PRESIDENT.
Witness discreet has lost his sheet,
And don t know where to find it;
FIRST MANAGER.
Leave him to show t; he s many a note
That carries a tale behind it.
SECOND WITNESS.
The President s speech I remember right well
Delivered in Cleveland, before an hotel ;
His hearers were chaps in habiliments old,
Who had no large fortunes in silver and gold.
CHORUS. " My countrymen," Bully for Andy ! Shut up !
" Allow me to " Traitor ! You Judas ! You pup !
How bout New Orleans ! " Just allow me to say,
Ri-tural, ri-tural, ri-tural, ri-day."
COUNSEL FOR PRESIDENT.
Though dear to your heart.are the scenes of that wild-mood,
When fond recollection presents them to view,
Yet green as the meadow and simple as childhood
You take us to be, if you think that will do !
The cot of your father, the dairy -house nigh it,
You d doubtless remember, and equally well;
But mem ry s not evidence, here we deny it,
And dripping with " coolness " y ou must be to tell.
FIRST MANAGER.
We wish to prove respondent drunk
For a few days, .a few days,
When he was trav ling with his trunk,
A few days on his way.
He tried to speak all night,
He tried to speak all day;
His pace would tire a bob-tail horse,
And turn reporter gray.
SMOKED GLASS. 95
COUNSEL FOR PRESIDENT.
If it won t be called a crime we must ask a little time,
Which, surely, you ll be lib ral, in according
Our witnesses at best are scatter d East and West,
And some are on the other side of Jordan.
, CHORUS OF MANAGERS AND SENATORS.
He has wounded the country that loved him,
That cherished his image four years,
And we ll give you, his counsel, till Thursday,
For sickness, for sorrow, and tears.
Like young birds escaped from the fowler
You ll chance for the moment to feel }
But the snare has been set for the prowler,
And you will be trapped by the steel.
CHORUS OF COUNSEL.
Oh, we will plead on Thursday, and Friday, and next day;
But we must not plead on Sunday, when Sabbath schools begin.
And we can plead on Monday, and Tuesday, and We n sday;
But we must not plead on Sunday for that would be a sin.
EXEUNT OMNES.*
It is some consolation for the friend of his country and
of virtue to know, my boy, that much of this sacred music
is popular enough to be ground by organs all about the
country. Subscribe at once for some party " organ," if
you disbelieve me, and the first week s experience of such
melody shall make you regret the absence of that enliven
ing monkey which, when connected with the other organs,
is not forever imprisoned in an editor s chair.
Yours, organically,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
* See Appendix, 2.
LETTER VII. .
CHARGING THE RADICALS WITH THE CONTINUED AND EXASPERATING WET
WEATHER; SETTING FORTH THE GREAT WRONG DONE TO THE CON
SERVATIVE KENTUCKY CHAP; REPEATING A CONVERSATION IN THE
BOXES AND SCENE ON THE STAGE OF THE THEATRE OF WAR ; REMARK
ING THE FIRST OF THE SOLILOQUIES FOR THE DEFENCE; AND AN
NOUNCING A VISIT FROM THE DIREFUL " KU-KLUX KLAN."
WASHINGTON, D. C., April 16, 1868.
WHEN matters have reached such a pass that an Ameri
can citizen of Caucasian descent cannot even step out to
get a glass of water and a clove for his cold, without carry
ing an umbrella along, it is time for every suffering mem
ber of our excellent national Democratic organization to
ask himself, How long are we to endure this Radical
rain of terror? Did we have as much rain as this in the
days of Andrew Jackson, when the Constitution of our
forefathers was respected, and an able Democratic organi
zation drank so little water that storms were not needed to
keep up the supply ? Alas ! my boy, the impeaching
Jacobins now in power have plotted this wet season for
the express purpose of making one Wade, and I firmly
believe that the end will be dampnation !
Twas on Tuesday morn that the Conservative Ken
tucky Chap undertook to preserve a slice of lemon from
decomposition by wrapping it in four thingfuls of whiskey,
96
SMOKED GLASS. 97
one of sugar, and one of hot water; inclosing the whole
in a fresh glass tumbler, and placing the preparation
upon the window-ledge to cool until he should be able to add
a spoon. Owing to the unseemly combination of the Radi
cals with the enemies of their country, a heavy shower at
once came up, and so weakened the lemon that it became
injurious to the constitution of Kentucky. Noticing the
ghastly smile that overspread the Conservative counte
nance of the poor chap when he tasted the diluted fruit,
and discovered how debilitated it had become, I touched
his elbow, and says I,
"Are the waters of disappointment bitter to the taste,
my Knight of the Golden Circle ? or do your features
writhe thus because the fluid of Kentucky fails in its
duty?"
The Conservative Kentucky Chap feverishly caught at
an ivory faro-check, which had accidentally fallen from its
place as one of his sleeve-buttons, and says he,
The favorite fluid of Kentucky will frequently fail in
its duty, when that duty is two dollars a gallon ; but that
is not the cause of my suffering. Here have I been try
ing to make some lemon-syrup for my cough," says he,
bitterly, l : and it has been rained into until all the Old
Rye is washed out. Hem ! " says the Conservative Ken
tucky Chap, fiercely, "if Kentucky has much more of
her lemon-syrup spoiled by any more soaking rain what
soever, she will believe that her Radical foes intend a
second deluge, and demand an Ark."
9
98
"You think, then," says I, soothingly, "that this wot
Radical weather tends to anarchy ; and demand an Ark,
in consequence, wherein to seek some safe place on a Con
servative Ararat."
"Hem!" says he, thoughtfully, "those who want a
place on ary-rat can have it ; but Kentucky would prefer
a place in the Custom mouse."
Another shower happening to commence just then, he
went away through it like a despondent Noah, leaving me
to ponder his wor-ds, and pay my usual visit to the theatre
of Impeachment.
In regard to this latter temple of the moral drama, I
may here say to you, my boy, that the business is steadily
declining ; and there have been no really good houses this
week. The stars engaged by the managers have, in some
instances, been so careless about learning their parts; the
corps de bully, has executed its faux pas, at times, with so
little grace; the merry- Andrew men have given their
break-downs with so little spirit, that the patrons of the
histrionic art in this city begin to weary of the play. On
the day of which I am now treating, however, the fact
that Sergeant O Pake, of the unconquerable Mackerel
Brigade, was to make his first appearance, and that a
great soliloquy was to be delivered, caused quite a fair
audience to assemble.
Lovely woman was there, with" just enough spring-bon
net on to constitute a private crosswalk on the elaborate
Central Park of her head: and didn t rustle her dress
SMOKED GLASS. 99
much more than enough to drive seven middle-aged ama
teurs of Impeachment to distraction. But what shall I
say concerning the conduct of those unmarried male
beings, in yellow kids and disgracefully short skirts, who
kept leaning over the seats, between the bonnets, like dis
located pairs of tongs between fancy feather-dusters, and
audibly informing the latter just how the play was going
to turn out ?
"But tell me, De Mortimer," whispered one fair girl,
does the hero of the piece prove himself innocent of all
the High Crimes, and marry Miss Demeanor at last? "
"No, Miss Smytherly," returned De Mortimer;
"Thaddeus Butler, you know, who represents the heirs
to the Jonathan estate, insists upon it that Jonathan him
self has become so weakened in his Constitution by inter
nal rupture, that it is better to cut off his head at once
and divide his property. The hero, you see, objects to
-this, and pretends that Jonathan s Constitution may be
saved yet, and refuses to be himself cut off from attending
the invalid until the latter tells him to go. Very well,
then, say the heirs, if that is your plea, we ll meet it by
assuming that Jonathan is already dead. This court, say
they, is actually sitting as a Coroner s Inquest, and must
order Jonathan s head cut off in order to justify its own
sitting, else, why should it make Inquest ? So all the
Coroner s Jurors have to decide that way, you know, and
find the hero guilty of trying to prevent the Inquest ; and
Mr. Wade is appointed administrator."
100 BREVETY THE SOUL OF WIT.
"How perfectly ridiculous ! " says Miss Smytherly.
" Oh, yes," says De Mortimer ; " but the piece is from
the French, you know, and must be Frenehy. The corps
de bully is the real attraction, you see, and the rest but a
mere excuse for introducing it."
This style of whispering at a play may be all very well,
my boy, for the fragile female mind, which can t bear sus
pense ; but there may be persons in a theatrical audience
who do not care to have the whole interest of the plot an
ticipated for them.
After which biting sarcasm at the expense of the male
being in yellow kids, I proceed to note the debut of Ser
geant O Pake, who, having recently taken the pledge,
has refused to take a brevet with the President. Manager
Thaddeus Butler looked at him obliquely, and says he,
" Sergeant, you are now in the presence of your Maker
and Myself to answer truly unto all that I ask you, and to
refuse all answers to questions from the insects for the de
fence. At the time of your interview with the thing
called Johnson, was he, or was he not, in such an attitude
as to render it possible for him to offer you a brevet? "
O PAKE. " He was."
MANAGER. "From the sound of his voice, was it
likely that her could have asked you, audibly, to take a
brevet with him, and thereby be bribed to become his ally
in a usurpation?"
O PAKE. "He was able to speak, and of course he
A verv cross examination.
SMOKED GLASS?. ;, \ . ,"; */. 3-01 :
could have spoken audibly on any subject ; but I am not
prepared to "
MANAGER. " I must insist on a direct answer to my
question, without comment. Was the sound of his voice
such that it would have been possible for him to ask you,
audibly, so that if another person had been present that
person could have heard it, to take a brevet with him?"
OTAKE. " It was."
MANAGER. " That is sufficient. JNo sane member of
the jury will dare to doubt, after this, that Johnson has
attempted to corrupt the army. Have the maniacs for
the defence anything to say to the Sergeant? "
ANDREW STANBERY, one of the counsel for the de
fence, tore his hair at this crisis, and says he,
"You say, Sergeant, that our client was in such an at
titude as to render it possible for him to offer you a bre
vet. Did he offer it?"
MANAGER BUTLER. " I object. The defendant is on
trial for High Crimes and Misdemeanors, and his mere
acts are of no account. What WE have to prove is that
his attitudes rendered it possible for him to do what is
charged against him."
CORONER (represented by supernumerary Chase) . * The
Court thinks that the last question is admissible, but will
leave it to the Jury."
The Jury then took a vote, which resulted in forty-nine
Thaddeuses against the question, to one Andrew for it.
9*
; 10;2 ; ATTITUDE SETTLES STANDING.
Thereupon Andrew Evarts, another of the counsel, rent
his garments with anguish, and says he,
" Sergeant O Pake, you say that our client s voice
could have articulated a request for you to take a brevet
with him. Did he request you to take it? "
MANAGER BUTLER. " I object. It is our purpose to
prove that the prisoner s voice was such as to have made
it possible for him to have articulated the request; and,
presumptively therefrom, that he did do it. The own
words of a criminal on trial are never accepted as evi
dence, and I am surprised that the learned insect on the
other side has DARED to put such a question."
CORONER (represented by supernumerary Chase).
" The Court is of the opinion that the counsel s question
should be allowed, if that of the manager is, but will leave
it to the Jury."
The Jury then took a vote, which resulted in forty-nine
Thaddeuses against allowing the question, and one Andrew
for it.
MANAGER BUTLER. " Sergeant O Pake may with
draw. We have succeeded in proving by him that the
criminal is presumptively guilty, by being in an attitude,
and having articulate ability, to intoxicate and corrupt the
army with brevets.* The managers will now go to their
dinners, and advise the Jury to do the same, while the
learned Andrew Curtis delivers his soliloquy for the de
fence."
* General Sherman s testimony.
SMOKED GLASS. 103
Two days, my boy, were occupied by this soliloquy,
during which tne jurors ate sandwiches, wrote home to
their families, and animatedly discussed the prospects for
the Presidency in 1868. It was really a great courtesy
to the counsel for the defence to allow their associate the
use of the Senate Chamber for the delivery of his so
liloquy ; and the delicacy with which the whole Court re
frained from listening to a single word of it must have
afforded him and his associates all the luxury of being
entirely alone ; yet Andrew Stanbery has been sick ever
since.
At a late hour last evening, as I sat reflecting upon
all this in my room at Willard s, a member of the freed-
negro race brought me a card inscribed thus, *
K. K. K.
COLD VICTUALS KLAN.
(Print of the moon reduced to her " last Quarter.")
Klansmen Behold the
Deed without a name
(Lithograph of a Sixth-Mortgage, without signature.)
By the cause we failed to win ;
By our solemn Southern pact;
By our utter lack of tin;
Come and sign the Bankrupt Act.
(Revenue Stamp.) (Forney Print.)
* Appendix, 3.
104
As I perused this mystic and awful document, the per
spiration came out freely upon my lofty brow, and I
turned to the member of the freed-negro race in trembling
haste.
"Who gave you this ? " asked I, fearfully.
The honest African s teeth chattered, and says he,
" S help me gad, I don t know, mars r; but I think he s a
gemman from de Alms House."
" Show him up," said I, with great agitation.
The freed bondman disappeared, and in four moments
thereafter I beheld a dreadful figure entering my room.
It was a tall, gaunt shape, wearing an overcoat striped
blue and red, and inscribed u Smithby s Patent Weather-
Proof Awning." Over its shoulders, and hanging just
below the waist, was an additional flowing white linen
surtout, marked, " Jinks s Celebrated French Yoke Shirts.
No. Broadway." Against the empty stomach of the
spectre hung a hand-organ, and under his left arm he car
ried a penny-seeking monkey.
" Horrible mockery," cried I, instinctively feeling for
my pocket-book, "what wantest thou of me? I ve got
nothing to advertise ; I don t want to purchase a water
proof awning ; and as for French yoke shirts, I belong to
a nation which recently helped the Mexicans to get rid of
them. Who art thou?"
The dreadful shape tucked the monkey more tightly
under his arm, and says he,
" I m the Ku-Klux Klan ! " Here the spectre smiled
SMOKED GLASS. 105
horribly, and deposited the half of a boot-leg which served
him for a hat upon a table near my open window.
"Look out," says I, cautiously, " or that chapeau will
blow into the street."
"It can t," says he, in a hollow voice; "there s a
heavy mortgage on it."
Struck by the familiarity of the voice, I looked more
closely at him, and recognized Loyola Munchausen. There
he stood, a perfect walking-advertisement of the sunny
South, and I paused to hear him speak again.
" My mission," says he, proudly, " is, in the first place,
to ask if you have anything to advertise with my Klan,
which is now issuing cards in every style, K. K. K.,
mortgages for all, sign of a coffin. Try Jobbins s
cough-drops, sign of a dagger. Our Plantation Bitters
are the Best, sign of a serpent. Use Podger s Hair-
Dye. If you refuse to avail yourself of this popular
medium, we fall back upon our countless wrongs, and de
mand DEMAND, by Heaven ! that some quarter shall
be shown the South."
I silently handed him a quarter.
" Do you want a tune for this?" says he, loftily, placing
the money in his clam-shell pocket-book, " do you wish to
witness the gyrations of the monkey in return for showing
quarter to my section ? "
Sadly I answered in the negative, and he departed as
abruptly as he had arrived.
The South, my boy, may have slept once upon soft
106 ANY OLD HATS, OLD BOOTS?
down, but she is now hard up ; and from what I have seen
of the spring styles worn by her sons this year, I am
firmly convinced that she sadly needs re-dress.
Yours, charitably,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER VIII.
CHANTING AN ASTONISHING LAY IN HONOR OF CLEAR WEATHER ONCE
MORE; IRREVERENTLY LIKENING THE STATELY AKODE OF CONGRESS
TO A STOMACH; MENTIONING AN ATTEMPTED SPECULATION WITH CAP
TAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH, IN REAL ESTATE, AT TAIKACHOR COURT HOUSE;
AND SAMPLING ANDREW NELSON S SOLILOQUY.
WASHINGTON, D. C., April 25, 1868.
BEHOLD me emerging at last, my boy, from under an
umbrella, and rejoicing to find the daily " Sun" issued once
more in clear type, and exchanging only with the "Evening
Star." To be sure, the recent rain came down in sheets
and must have caused quite a rush to reed along the shore ;
but in our inland places like this we prefer to find the sun
on our doorstep of a morning, and as the season advances,
it will be more and more red. Surveying it with a specu
lative American orb of vision, I cannot but regret that it
excludes all advertisements weather fair or foul ; for who
can doubt that, with its rising circulation in the East, and
its "set" value in the West, it would be an invaluable
medium for dealers in Light literature ? But, after all, it
rayses its terms too high for such use ; and the gravity of
our relations with it need not be disturbed by speculations
as to how it can support itself while being furnished so
cheaply to all creation as a " cent "-re piece !
I cannot explain just why I have taken such a printer s
107
108 DULCE DOME-UM.
view of old Sol at this season, unless it is because this sea
son is called "printemps " in French ; but I know that these
two or three shiny days, after so much wet weather, have
at once given me strong hopes of losing the moat from my
own eye, and left me disposed for anything rather than the
removal of the beam from my brother s eye. I am not a
married man ; I have no wife of my bosom to bear me lit
tle Bills, followed, mayhap, by a little Sue ; and it is only
natural that I should show some enthusiasm for the only
sun I have. If not offspring, it is at least of Spring ; and
if I am not its father, it certainly cannot get much farther
away from me. If not a parent in the ordinary sense to
any particular son, this sun makes me apparent to all men,
and that, too, without necessitating a mother-in-law, or
putting me in peril of the fate of Othello, who, as every
body knows, was finally ruined by his wife s-smother !
And now, before it rains again, let me catch one more
glimpse of the stately Capitol in this rare radiance ; let my
admiring glance rest yet another moment upon that swell
ing dome, which, like some impressive stomach in profile,
with a figure of Liberty resting upon it as a fob watch-
seal, catches the tawny lustre of the hour in massive
repose. Smile, kindly skies, in lucent glory smile upon
that abdomen of our distracted country, nor be tempted to
administer any more of thy drops just yet, even though it
has several panes across it. Make the watch-seal to glitter
as though it really were something diviner than an orna
ment, and make the stomach to shine as though it were a
SMOKED GLASS. 109
luminous miracle of good digestion ; and we will strive to
believe for the moment that political choler might be one
degree worse if it were cholera. Alas ! how often do the
wisest of us we who pride ourselves, perchance, upon
being the very Congressmen of private life attribute
certain ailings to our aching heads alone, or our lungs
alone, or even to our hearts alone, while, all the time, it
is actually the stomach that is deranged. The latter takes
great satisfaction in appearing to be immaculate, and is
always ready to bring about the impeachment of the head
for causing headache, or to induce the reconstruction of the
lungs, or heart, for imperfect circulation. Don t trouble
yourself at all about Me, says the stomach, I m taking
perfect care of my part of your Constitution ; but you d bet
ter impeach your head for aching, or the other part will be
ruined. So, you impeach your head, and reconstruct your
lungs ; and, after all, it is solely the stomach that is at
fault. Smile then, kindly skies, in lucent glory smile
upon the dome of yonder Capitol, and let there be clouds
for the aching Head of the nation alone.
Thus apostrophized I, in thoughtful soliloquy, as I threw
a last look toward the mighty theatre of Impeachment,
before getting into one of the cars of the Grand Southern
Trunk Railroad, the qiher day, to go with Captain Sam-
yule Sa-mith to Taikachor Court House, Virginia. Sam-
yule was attracted thither by a report that Pendragon
Penruthers, Esq., a celebrated haughty Southerner of that
place, had some fine old real estate to sell at great reduc-
10
110 A BENDER OR A BURST.
tion, and I went with him to call a doctor at the places
where the train should catch fire or roll down a bank.
The Grand Southern Trunk Railroad is so called because
its cars are shaped like those fashionable travelling-trunks
which can be thrown out of a third-story window without
much breakage below the top and sides, bj careful express
men. When first built, just before the war, it was quite
a good road to send your mother-in-law and poor relations
over, and its trains seldom ran over a cow when they could
get around her by going off the track. During the strug
gle with our excited national troops, however, the wealth
of this great highway was seriously diminished ; its daily
receipts fell from four dollars to three and fourpence, and
the large teakettle used in drawing trains was seized by
our vandals to boil their coffee on several sanguinary
occasions. Consequently, this famous through-route is
now out of repair at some points of the line ; and, until
the President of the company can make enough money by
his present occupation of apple-peddling to purchase a
hammer and a few nails, the track will not be entirely safe
for a high rate of speed.
Samyule and I wore padded India-rubber suits and fur
caps to preserve ourselves from contusions at the stopping-
places, and also kept our wills conspicuously pinned upon
the breasts of our coats, in case we should go the wrong
side of a bridge. Thus prepared, we calmly took our
places upon the candle-boxes which served as seats in the
first-class cars, and, as we went flying over the broomsticks
SMOKED GLASS. Ill
which had been hastily laid down in place of the rails
stolen b y our vandals, our knives and watches were the
only articles jerked from our pockets.
" Samyule," says I, holding fast to my candle-box,
" don t it seem to you that this lightning-train sways a
little in going around the corners?"
"You must be highly medicated," says Samyule, in
structively, "or you would know that this is a wide-gauge
road, and can go as near to the rail-fences on either side as
the engineer chooses."
Just then the locomotive sheered at something, and we
struck a tree, which caused me to rise suddenly in the air
from my candle-box, and come down upon the lap of a
haughty planter, dressed in a rag-carpet surtout, who oc
cupied an opposite seat. Having (as I learned afterward)
received seven dollars and a quarter that day for his plan
tation from a Northern capitalist, this planter was unusu
ally arrogant, and scowled upon me, as I sat on his knee,
with dreadful malevolence.
"Sir," said he, grinding his teeth, "I do not wish to
associate with one of your birth, and must request you to
fly in some "other direction when we have our next acci
dent. I had an apple in my pocket for lunch, and you
have crushed it."
"Do you think, then," said I, noticing that the next car
was on fire, "that we shall live "
But, at that moment, all the passengers shot from their
candle-boxes toward the top of the vehicle, and we collect-
112 A STRIKING INCIDENT.
ively began a series of swift aerial revolutions around the
conductor and the stove. For our particular car had broken
loose from the rest of the train by striking a telegraph-
pole, and was turning over and over on its way to the
nearest pile of stones. Luckily for Samyule and myself
our fur caps and padded suits saved us from the usual fate
of American railroad-excursionists, and, after picking our
selves out from the remains of the planters, we walked
hastily from the ruins to a house near by.
This building, like the finer Southern mansions gener
ally, had large white pillars on the front, and a heavy
mortgage on the rest ; and, when we rang the bell, it was
answered by a tall, proud-looking man, who wore white
kid gloves, a green gingham overcoat, and a pair of flannel
drawers altered into pantaloons.
Samyule touched his cap, and says he,
" Can you tell us, my worthy Count D Orsay, how far
we are from Taikaclior Court House^ and the residence of
Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire?"
Perceiving that he was a Northern man by his good
clothes, the embarrassed Virginian made a pass at him
with an axe-handle which had been standing behind the
door, and says he,
"This place is Taikaclior Court House, and I am Pen-
dragon Penruthers, Esquire."
"Why, really," says Samyule, smiling agreeably, and
drawing a pistol, "if that is the case, we have been ex
pelled from the train at the right spot. Learning from all
SMOKED GLASS. 113
the reliable morning journals that the South now offers
great inducements for the investments of capitalists, we
have come down here to " see how villages are selling.
What could you say for this house?"
The ^Southerner brightened up, and says he,
" Seven dollars and a quarter without the grounds;
eight dollars with them." *
" And then," said Samyule, musingly, "I d- have to
put two coats of paint on this villa."
" Two coats!" exclaimed Pendragon Penruthers, Esq.
"One coat and a pair of pants would do."
"How so?" says Samyule, earnestly.
P. Penruthers smiled at his ignorance, and says he,
"Why, you d put the one coat on the house, and the
pair of pants on the pillars."
"True," says Samyule, thankfully; "I should never
have thought of that. Is that church yonder on your
estate?"
"It is."
"How much for it?"
" Three dollars and a half."
"I ll take it," says Samyule. "Eight dollars and
three and a half are eleven and a half. Here s the
money."
The bargain being concluded, Mr. Penruthers invited us
* Fine real estate is really selling at absurdly low rates in some parts of the
South, and persons of limited capital, who are willing to be shot or starved to
death for the sake of having homes of their own, should hasten down.
10*
114 NEVER SEED SUCH LAND.
into the fine private residence, where we were presently
dining with him upon an inexpensive Indian pudding,
wherein bits of alpaca were made to do duty for raisins,
and a fruity claret wine, manufactured from boiled corks
and coffin shavings, was served. At the termination of
this sumptuous meal, the still arrogant Virginian notified
us that he should retire to the hen-house until ready to
depart for some other place, as he could not endure any
noticeable length of existence under the same roof with
those who, in military attire, had so recently ravaged the
sunny South. Thus were Samyule and myself left alone
in the purchased villa, and, after noticing that much of the
furniture was in the style of Louis Quatorze, supposing
Louis Quatorze to have been much affected at that time,
by a taste for chairs with three legs, we proceeded to
calculate what income the estate was likely to produce
toward paying its taxes. Looking forth upon the arable
lands which he had purchased, through a bow-window
which must have had a few whole panes of glass in it at
some time during the previous century, Samyule estimated
his coming grain-crop at about one straw-bed an acre :
although one fine piece of meadow was so richly dressed
.with necks of bottles, old shoes, and discarded hoop-skirts,
that it gave great promise as a fashionable building-lot for
a junk-shop. At the conclusion of this survey, I volun
teered to seek a grocery-store not far off and obtain something
for supper ; but when I got there, the Southern merchant
in charge (attired in a coffee-bag) haughtily refused to sell
SMOKED GLASS. 115
anything to those who came to profit by the necessities of
the sunny South, and I was obliged to return empty-handed.
Furthermore, upon regaining the villa, I found that Cap
tain Samyule Sa-mith had been waited upon in my absence
by four members of the Ku-Klux Klan for cold victuals
and small change ; by a strong delegation of the freed-ne-
gro race for six dollars and a quarter, to start a Constitu
tional Convention; and that Pendragon Penruthers, Esq.,
had sent him word that there were five mortgages for thirty
thousand- dollars on the estate, and had trained a duck-gun
from the hen-house to shoot him whenever he should look
out of the window.
"I think," said Samyule, in great agitation, "that we
bad better flee while yet there is one whole car left on the
Grand Southern Trunk Railroad. A meeting of Southern
Conservative Democrats," says Samyule, uneasily, "is
now being held on a lawn at the back of this chateau, to
consider the advisability of hanging us this evening for
the benefit of the Stonewall-Jackson-Monument Fund;
and I really think we had better make a wicked flee
while no man pursueth."
And we fled, my boy. We retired hastily to the near
est broken culvert; and when the next train ran off the
track there, we got on board the one freight car left unde-
molished, and returned safely with the wounded to this
city.
Is Southern property really being sold, with great sac
rifice, to Northern capitalists at this present time ? I
116 AVERSE TO CONVICTION.
think it is ; I should say it was ; the great sacrifice always
going with the property and causing the Northern cap
italist to wish he hadn t !
Not to dwell longer upon a subject which is so merce
nary that I should show "nary" mercy for you did I
pursue it longer, allow me to digress abruptly to the
theatre of Impeachment, where another soliloquy for the
defence is being delivered by the venerable Andrew Nel
son.
"MR. CHIEF JUSTICE AND SENATORS," says this aged
man, while slumber settles upon all around, "I have been
busy in my profession of lawyer for twenty years, and
have argued cases involving life, liberty, and the pursuit
of happiness.
How doth the little busy bee
Improve each shining hour,
And gather honey all the day
From ev ry opening flower !
But I feel that all cases sink into insignificance when
compared with this one. I am really too old, and have
lived too much in the country, to argue this case. But I
implore help from On High to make my mind, heart, and
tongue, capable of keeping you awake for a few moments.
Tis the voice of the sluggard,
I hear him complain ;
You have woke me too soon,
I must slumber again.
SMOKED GLASS. 117
If the President of the United States is indeed guilty of
one tithe that has been charged against him, then I am
willing to admit that he is a monster of such hideous
mien that each particular hair does stand on end when he
is seen. But who is this Andrew Johnson ? Who is he,
that you all come down upon him like quills upon a fret
ful porcupine ? Who is he,
f Come riddle me, riddle me rye,
Two long ears and one great " I " ?
Go to the village of Greenville, East Tennessee, and in
quire. See him a poor boy, unable to read or write, but
yet industrious. He becomes a tailor, then an alderman,
then a Congressman, and then a President. This is the
man whom I hear accused of being apparently under the
influence of Old Rye; of not caring sixpence for the Con
stitution; of betraying the blacks; of almost aspiring .to
be king,
Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds
Cooked into a pie.
When the pie was opened,
The birds began to sing;
Isn t this a pretty dish
To set before a king ? "
Thus went on this aged man, introducing all the popu
lar airs in order to secure attention; but none listened to
his lay. *
* Appendix, 4.
118 AB-DOME-INAL.
When I came forth from the Capitol and looked up
ward again, there loomed the mighty Stomach once more
in the sunset; there it was, my boy, as predominant as
ever. Still repelling the thought that its immediate self
could possibly be responsible for any ailing of the body-
politic; still referring the Doctor with his harsh nostrums
to the head, or the lungs, and permitting no ministrations
to itself, save those of the Butler.
Yours, meditatively,
ORPHEUS C. KEKR.
LETTER IX.
BEING A VERACIOUS ACCOUNT OP THE UNPARALLELED MATCH AGAINST
NATURE BY THE " AMERICAN PROOF-READER " AND THE " BOSTON
MARVEL;" WITH ITS INEVITABLY TRAGICAL TERMINATION.
WASHINGTON, D. C., April 28, 1868,
IT is a barbarism of our common nature, my boy, to
take a morbid pleasure in unnatural exhibitions which
imperil human life; and from the circus to the grave,
man has ever the same heartless fondness for breakneck
equestrian acts, and foolhardy attempts to read Presi
dents Messages. . It is highly probable that in the coming
golden age, when Southerners shall be free from mort
gages, Ireland all removed to the Sixth Ward of this
country, and the freed-negro race happily supplied with
seal rings and the right of suffrage, philanthropy will be at
liberty to protest against that cruel popular taste which
craves and encourages feats of deadly daring or endurance.
Until then, however, there can be no difficulty in find
ing remunerative patronage for the temporizing suicide of
the tight-rope, the walker of a thousand miles in a thou
sand hours, and the mad wretch who offers for a wager to
ride twenty consecutive miles upon the Erie Railroad with
out a life-insurance policy. In such a state of things, we
119
120 LEAD-ITORIAL TRAINING.
have no cause for surprise if desperate men are found will
ing to rescue themselves from want by recklessly overtask
ing nature s strength for the money to be made by it.
Since my last writing, a couple of needy unfortunates,
in this city, have dared to trifle with the laws of life by
entering into a match to read all the Impeachment
speeches in succession,* without sleeping save at nights;
and the consequence was, that two poor, emaciated creat
ures were presently lying upon hospital cots in fits of im
becile delirium, almost constantly maundering over such
phrases as, "Is this a court?" "Your honorable
body; " and "The learned counsel."
The match commenced, my boy, in a patent cylindrical
Glass and Lemon Repository, whither those Congressmen
who have colds, repair to steep slices of the fruit in warm
tumblers for their coughs ; and thither went I, on several
occasions, to view the hapless wretches at their task.
Both were strong, robustious men, of some previous
practice in heavy reading. The first, who is known in
sporting circles as "The American Proof-reader," cor
rected the proofs of four directories last year without the
use of stimulants. And the second, whose admirers style
him "The Boston Marvel," once read two articles in the
"North American Review," at a sitting. Having learned
these facts, I was inclined to regard the Marvel as the
more severely-tested athlete of the twain; but overhear
ing a whisper from one of the knowing ones, that the
* These speeches, altogether, occupied over one hundred hours for their delivery.
SMOKED GLASS. 121
Proof-reader had been practising upon the leaders in
"The Nation," some weeks before, I finally gave him the
preference.
The rash contestants were dressed in blue shirts, cotton
drawers, and canvas shoes, as they were to walk incessantly
while reading, in order to keep off sleep the more effectu
ally ; and their course extended around four billard-tables.
Upon one of the latter sat the second or principal backer
of each, with stimulants, bottles of hartshorn, and kettle
drums. On a long bench against the wall sat the time
keeper, with some hundred pounds of Impeachment speeches
beside him, to be furnished to the readers as required ; and
near one of the tables stood a physician for the insane, to
be at hand in case either foolhardy unfortunate should
show symptoms of mental derangement in the course of
the feat.
Promptly at the call of " Time ! " the men started
briskly together on the great opening speech of the Hon.
Thaddeus Butler; their elbows pressed closely to their
sides ; the printed slip held firmly within ten inches of
their eyes ; and their pace almost a trot. At first they
read very fast, and were neck-and-neck on the passage
about the l intention of Our Fathers in framing the Con
stitution;" but upon reaching the first quarter-pole,
where the question arises * whether this Senate is now
sitting as a court, or a jury, or a coroner s inquest," the
pace of the American Proof-reader became languid, arid his
eyelids gave signs of heaviness. His backer promptly ran
11
122 A BROKEN READ.
alongside of him and applied a bottle of hartshorn to his
nostrils, which roused him again ; but the Boston Marvel
had already reached the. place where "the President is
shown to have lost all dignity," and his friends grew quite
boisterous in their triumph. Upon^gaining the point where
"it is not denied that the respondent has been a serious
obstacle to reconstruction," he, too, however, lagged and
yawned horribly, in his turn, compelling his backer to beat
a drum in order to keep him awake. So that, at the close
of the first day, the two men were about even, and were
led to their beds upstairs in nearly equal states of ex
haustion.
On the second day, both looked haggard, and gaped
repeatedly at the mere sight of the speeches; yet they
started off in fair style on the argument of the Hon.
Andrew Curtis, and the betting was even until they had
arrived at the juncture where " we will now call the atten
tion of this honorable Court to the first of the foreign par
liamentary trials cited by the honorable Managers."
Here the American Proof-reader emitted a faint snore, and
the Boston Marvel came near walking through a window
in a doze. Drums were beaten, pistols fired, and rockets
exploded, to keep the men awake ; but, at the conclusion
of the heat, both readers fell to the floor in a leaden sleep,
and were thus carried to their beds.
The scenes on the following days were still more horri
ble, as each poor wretch made more Herculean efforts to
struggle through the Hon. Thaddeus Boutwell and the
SMOKED GLASS. 123
Hon. Andrew Nelson, without yielding to outraged na
ture s demand for half-hourly slumber. The men re
peatedly fell, in utter exhaustion, and were picked up by
attendants who rubbed them with oil, to loosen their minds,
or beat drums and fumed thfiir principals with hartshorn,
to keep the" faculties alive through eloquent passages.
Reeling, and half-blind with intolerable weariness, the ex
hausted contestants went wildly into the speech of the
venerable Nelson, and it was evident to all, that this
would finish them. Over the questions "Who is he?"
"Who is Andrew Johnson?" they stumbled piteously,
with half-shut eyes ; and at the first poetical quotation
"How does the little busy bee" the Boston Marvel
rolled under a billard-table in a swoon. Amid the beating
of drums, firing of pistols, and showers of hartshorn, the
American Proof-reader dragged himself painfully over the
passage about "the Alta Vela case; " but at the second
poetical quotation "Come riddle me, riddle me, rye"
he threw up his hands, burst into a shrill laugh, and
went down upon his back like a log.
They would have rubbed him with oil again, those
fiercely excited, heartless lookers-on, who cared not for two
human lives if they could but win their bets, they would
have filled his nose with hartshorn and started him again
on Williams, Stevens, and Evarts ; but the physician for
the insane would not permit it.
"No," said the physician, sternly; "I will not allow
it. This great American Proof-reader is already so much
124 DELIRIUM DREAMIN S.
weakened in his mind by these Impeachment speeches that
I fear the result may be in-Senate-y. He is not strong
enough to bear any more, and I shall order him and his
opponent to the hospital."
*A deep silence fell upon the throng, while a party of
attendants lifted the two victims of Impeachment from the
ground preparatory to bearing them away; and it was
heartbreaking to hear the hapless creatures feebly rave in
the delirium produced by entire physical prostration.
" Oh ! " groaned the Boston Marvel, ."I think I see the
Common, and Ticknor & Fields new bookshop through
the trees. Am I, indeed, in heaven, and are the angels
singing Mrs. Julia Ward Howe s poems to their golden
harps ? But no ! what I took for eternity is Mr. Evarts
speech ; and the angels are singing Nelson s poetical quota
tions ! Is that Stanbery coming with another speech and
Bingham too ? Save me from them ! Impeach me and
let me die ! " The great American Proof-reader also strug
gled weakly with his bearers, and uttered a low wail, and
says he : " No ! no ! I cannot correct the proof of any more
directories to-night. But what am I saying ? These are
not directories, they are twenty volumes of Impeachment
speeches, with a map accompanying each. I have corrected
the maps, which show that each speech extends to the last
degree of longitude and has no parallels of platitude.
Ask me no more, for I would sleep ! "
Not being a really bad man at heart, my boy, I felt a
guilty consciousness of having been in some way accessory
SMOKED GLASS. 125
to this harrowing scene by attending as a thoughtless
spectator; and I penitently resolved to expiate my inhu
manity by visiting and comforting the American^ Proof
reader, in the hospital, instead of attending the Impeach
ment matinee. So, thither I went, like a masculine
Florence Nightingale, and was presently seated beside the
low pallet of one who, but a few days before, had been
exultant in health and reason. Now, however, he was sick
enough to be a principal Impeachment Manager, or lead
ing Counsel for the Defence,* and there was no more co
herence in his mutterings than in one of Emerson s lectures.
The physician for the insane had already administered one
of Timothy Titcomb s poems to him as an emetic, that he
might be enabled thereby to disgorge some of the heavier
words upon his stomach; but there had been so many
repetitions in the Impeachment speeches that it seemed as
though a blood-vessel might be broken before all danger
from tautology was over.
"Tell me," said I, anxiously, "what lean do to calm
and comfort this great American Proof-reader in his present
dreadful state, and thus partially atone for my own share
in the recent unnatural exhibition. Let me do something to
lull his George Francis Train style of raving, or the ene
mies of human reason will presently combine to make him
a European Correspondent of the "New York World."
The aged physician wrapt his saw, chisel, and gold watch
in a piece of brown paper again, and says he,
* Manager Stevens and Counsel Stanbery were sick,
11*
126 TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
" I at first thought of amputating the os frontis and ex
tracting some of the words from the orifice; but as he
seems quieter now, I will wait awhile. What he needs
most," says the physician, thoughtfully, "is present sleep.
I will therefore leave three of the New York daily jour
nals with you, and you may read to him a leading editorial
from each."
Thus speaking, he left me; and, without another look
at the moaning sufferer, I read aloud from the " Tribune " *
the following able article, entitled
" IMPEACHMENT IS PEACE.
"From Maine to Philadelphia the ears of a nation of
freemen are stretched to catch the first note of the fiat by
which Andrew Johnson shall be ordered, in the name of
the outraged American people, to return to that merited
obscurity from which he was bloodily raised by the pistol
of the assassin. When General Grant was recently in
Philadelphia, he remarked audibly to a friend, that, upon
the conviction and emulsion of the President depended the
Peace of the whole country. Nor would any man deny
such a self-evident fact, save, perhaps, Mr. Horatio Sey
mour, to whom the designation of Deliberate and Im
measurable Falsifyer has more than once been applied by
* This excellent moral journal is largly edited by gentlemen from Philadel
phia, who miss no opportunity of improving the value of real estate in their
native town, by making editorial mention of that growing place.
SMOKED GLASS. 127
prominent citizens of Philadelphia. The United States
Senate need hesitate no longer in its verdict."
Already the patient had sunk into a doze when I con
cluded this excellent " leader; " and I softly took up the
" Times," * and read therefrom concerning what it called
"IN MEDIAS RES.
" While it cannot be denied that the sympathies of youtli
are all with the animated counsel for the defence, it must
still be admitted that the grave admiration of meditative
maturity accords no mean palm to the earnest pertinacity
of some of the managers. Good taste may possibly take
exception to one or two of Butler s turbulent invectives ;
yet we question whether more indulgence will be vouch
safed to the petulant parentheses of Mr. Nelson. As the
case stands at present, we can only reprobate all attempts
to prejudice a verdict not yet fully incubated ; nor shall
we countenance with our approval the attempt of any party
* In this skilful Conservative-Radical Dem-Republican morning journal, of
July 16th, 1859, appeared a remarkable article on the French, Sardinian, and
Austrian war in Italy, which said,
" If we follow the windings of the Mincio, we shall find countless elbows
formed in the elbows of the regular army, at places like Salianzi, Molini, and
Borghetto."
And also,
" After a battle of several hours duration, the Sardinians at Goito gave
way; and, if we follow up the course of the Mincio, we shall find innumerable
elbows formed by the sympathy of youth."
Such is Conservative journalism in the United States.
128 BENNETT-DICITE.
to delay, or be indifferent to, a decision on which hang all
the law and the profits."
A gentle snore smote my ear at the termination of the
above discriminating expression of sentiment; but, to
make my work complete, I grasped the " Herald," and
read about
" BADICAL RUIN AND ITS REMEDY.
Intent only upon elevating old Ben Wade to a tem
porary dictatorship, the Radical Jacobins are prepared to
impeach even old Justice Chase, and fetter the hands of
old General Grant. With old Thad Stevens as Secretary
of State, and old Fred Douglas in the Treasury, we
should soon witness all the excesses of old Robespierre
repeated. To meet this emergency, let the Democratic
party nominate old Admiral Farragut as their candidate
for the Presidency, with old General Hancock for Vice-
President."
Throwing aside this last paper, I looked at the American
Proof-reader, and found that he not only slumbered soundly,
but that he was also in a profuse perspiration. "He is
safe!" whispered I, joyfully, to myself. "He is safe,
despite the awful manner in which he has tempted Provi
dence."
In an almost gleeful frame of mind, I was about to steal
from the room, when the physician entered again, looking
so gravely that I fairly caught my breath.
SMOKED GLASS. 129
"He has had a narrow escape," muttered the man of
medicine, glancing at the pallet.
" And how is the Boston Marvel? " asked I, quickly.
The Physician for the Insane turned his solemn eyes
upon me, and pointed impressively upward.
" He is DEAD!"
Yours, speechlessly,
ORPHEUS C. KERB.
LETTER X.
MORALIZING UPON THE CERTAIN RESULT OF VICE-PRESIDENCY ; GIVING
THE CURIOUS EPITAPH OF A VICTIM OF ELOQUENCE; PRESENTING THE
PRINCIPAL GEMS OF A GUANO MATINEE J AND RECORDING THE ENTHU
SIASM OF THE POPULACE OVER THE LAST OF THE IMPEACHMENT
SPEECHES.
WASHINGTON, D. C., May 9, 1868.
AFTER having put on our spectacles, snuffed the candle,
and perused the world s history, my boy, we cannot but
perceive that vice, sooner or later, brings misery. It
being a very late hour when we have finished the history,
we debate within ourselves whether we had better go to
bed and take a few years of sleep, or sit up for the brief
remainder of the century and meditate upon that which
our historical reading has taught us. Inasmuch as fully
twenty-five pianos of cats have organized an angel-choir
on the fences nearest our window, and a heavy shower of
bootjacks has recently set in from the casements of seven
unmarried gentlemen around the corner, we conclude to
remain wakeful and ponder
THE WORLD S HISTORY.
A baby smiling on a mother s knee,
A faint ray breaking o er an Eastern sea,
A green leaf peeping from a root deep set,
A candle waxen, and unlighted yet.
130
SMOKED GLASS. 131
A school-boy mimicking a lark s clear cry,
A red flush blazoning a morning sky,
A frail twig bending to a zephyr s thought,
A candle twinkling with a spark just caught.
A lover kneeling to a maiden fair,
A sun all golden in a cloudless air,
A bud slow swelling on a fragrant bough,
A candle crested with a white flame now.
A soldier fighting for a prize ne er gained,
A spot of fever on a zenith stain d,
A branch low drooping with a fruit half sear,
A candle gutt ring with a jaundiced blear.
A miser gloating at a coffer s brim,
A gray gleam ending in a twilight dim,
A dry leaf crackling in a wintry fall,
A candle smoking to a shadow d wall.
A dotard gasping in a parson s ear,
A pale star dying in a storm-cloud near,
A tall tree loosening a clasp d root-hand,
A candle flick ring at a wick s last strand.
A shadow resting on a square of white,
A sun s ghost walking in a noon of night,
A prone trunk hollow to a worm 3 vile tread,
A candle wasted and a mortal dead.
As for yourself, my boy, I judge, from your general
conversation on politios, that there is far more gas than
candle about you ; and, consequently, your share of this
history need not alarm you. But, as I was saying before,
the man of striking originality of thought will derive
132 A NATIONAL VICE.
therefrom the idea, that vice, sooner or later, brings mis
ery; and -at once take measures to have it inserted in the
" Lady s Book" as his own great American composition.
When we consider the lilies of the valley, that they toil
not, neither do, they spin ; and yet, that Solomon, in all
his glory, was not arrayed like one of these ; we may pos
sibly feel inclined to side with Solomon for refraining from
such spring fashions as would have been likely to subject
him to the care of the police. I know several wealthy
Southerners, who, in consequence of innumerable mort
gages and certain not remote exploits of our military van
dals, are arrayed so much like lilies of the valley that
they feel obliged to lie in bed all day until bathing-time
comes. But then, again, when we consider Andrew John
son, and remember that vice sooner or later brings misery,
we can scarcely refrain from reprobating such an extraor
dinary addiction to vice as finally tempted him to become
a Vice-President. Save for such uncommon viciousness,
he might now be a profane and respected member of Con
gress, calling all the other members by the most awful and
amusing names, and assisting them to impeach somebody
for having no friends. Instead of that, however, we find
him the guilty cause of over one hundred hours of speeches ;
all of which have fallen upon our distracted country,
while she is yet writhing under the recollection of Mr.
Raymond s address at the Dickens dinner. Thus it is
that vice sooner or later brings misery, and occasions <guch
death, even, as that of the Boston Marvel.
SMOKED GLASS. 133
Early this morning I -strolled out to the place where
they have laid the poor Marvel, and was pleased to find
erected over his resting-place a neat slab bearing the fol
lowing inscription,
Hie Jacet
WANTON MARVEL
OP BOSTON.
Impeachment Speeches wrought his hapless fate;
BuT-LE Rning CURT-IS to appease his shade :
The BOUT- WELL ended, NEL -S ON rang for him
Eye GROES-BECKlouded at the end he made.
When Lo - GAN he, with WILL-I- AM-sure, to read,
He thought each speech to scan, what EVAR TS length;
But quickly found (iS x EVEN-SO indeed?)
That half of them would quite exhaust one s strength.
For birth to " hub"-BiNG-HAMlet he was debtor;
And Here he s buried. Few STAN -BERying better.*
These few simple tributary lines had been written evi
dently, by some humble friend, whose spelling was defect-
*The speakers for the prosecution were Messrs. Butler, Boutwell, Logan,
Williams, Stevens, and Bingham. For the defence, Messrs. Curtis, Groesbeck,
Evarts, and Stanbery. It is scarcely necessary to say that the Epitaph should
read,-
Impeachment Speeches wrought his hapless fate;
But learning curt is to appease his shade ;
The bout well ended, knell soon rang for him
Eye grows beclouded at the end he made.
When low gan he, with will, I am sure, to read,
He thought each Speech to scan, what ever ts length ;
But quickly found (is t even so, indeed ?)
That half of them would quite exhaust one s strength.
For birth to " hub "-bing hamlet he was debtor;
And Here he s buried. Few stand burying better.
12
134 GAME TO THE LAST.
ive ; but they had a touching pathos for me, and made
me whisper again to myself, Vice-President sooner or
later brings misery.
On another occasion, as I walked thoughtfully along a
retired byway near the Capitol, philosophically pondering
the same sad conclusion, my attention was attracted to a
figure sitting upon a wayside-stone, its back towards me.
It was bending eagerly forward to a wooden hitching-post
just before it. Its soft black hat rested upon the very back
of its head after the manner of some sable Thomas-cat
clinging to a bedpost ; and its hands hastily shuffled and
cut a pack of greasy cards for the apparent accommodation
of an invisible partner. Stealing closer to this absorbed
apparition, I quickly recognized the Conservative Ken
tucky Chap, and also noted that he was talking excitedly
to the hitching-post.
" Hem! " says he, dealing two here and two there, and
simultaneously making a pass of two kings and an ace up
his coat-sleeve. " Kentucky will play you just one game
of Bluff, Mr. Post, to see if her former tailor, A. John
son, will be acquitted or convicted. If I win, it is in
favor of the respondent. If you win, the verdict will be
otherwise. You play first, and I see you, and go five
cents better."
" Well done, my private Morrissey!" says I, tapping
him on the shoulder. " Your manner of deciding a great
national case might well be adopted by one of those fastid-
SMOKED GLASS. 135
ious Senators whose consciences are said to make them
uncertain about their verdict."
Hastily leaping to his feet, and slipping the cards out
of sight into *a convenient pocket, the Kentucky chap eyed
me sorrowfully, and says he,
" The old rye-crop of Kentucky is greatly retarded and
depreciated by the vast quantity of milk and water daily
poured out by the Impeachment Jacobins; and nothing
but an acquittal can improve the market."
"You are unduly depressed," says I, sympathetically,
"because all the reliable morning journals have been
driven by excess of speeches to tear their hair, and predict
a future of inexpressible woe and eloquence. Come with
me to the House of Congress, where a guano matinee is
now being held. It will cheer your mind ; and as we ve
both got our old clothes on, we needn t mind a little dirt."
Bowing a mute assent, and fervently grasping my hand,
the afflicted chap permitted me to lead him as I listed;
and we proceeded to that great national hall of legislation
where statesmen are "native and to the manure born."
In the gallery were quite a number of spectators, dressed
in bad clothes for the occasion, and protected by a barri
cade of opened umbrellas and upreared benches against
the time when the mud should begin to fly. These we
joined, and were at once interested in a great scene be
tween the Hon. Anasta Puddle, and the Hon. Mr. Bottler.*
* Passage-at-arms in the House, between Messrs. Brooks and Butler concern
ing the Alta Vela (guano island) business.
136 ADMIREABLE DEBATE.
The HON. ANASTA PUDDLE threw a handful of guano
at the HON. MR. BOTTLER, and says he, "I deem it my
duty as a member of the incorruptible Democratic Organ
ization, to charge yonder impure being with the loathsome
crime of endeavoring to intimidate the President into
giving all the guano known to the birds of the air to
certain corrupt parties."
The HON. MR. BOTTLER used both his hands to throw
guano all over the HON. ANASTA PUDDLE, and says he,
This fellow, Puddle, is mad at me because f know about
his trying once to swindle one of his partners. He is a
disgusting object."
The HON. ANASTA PUDDLE hurled a pailful of guano at
the HON. MR. BOTTLER, and says he, "I regret to say
that I am cognizant of several burglaries committed by
this creature, Bottler, and cannot but mourn my further
knowledge of his earlier attempt to work domestic misery
in the family of a bricklayer. I demand a committee to
investigate his subsequent efforts to commit arson."
The HON. PIGNATIUS WALLOWLY next arose to protest
against a recent newspaper letter of the HON. MR. WASH
WOMAN; and says he, "The infamous office-beggar to
whom I allude has made certain charges against me in a
letter, and I hereby hold up the unclean wretch to general
loathing. Why, sir, this incredible wallower in infamy
comes here with a record reeking from " (Here the Court
allowed^ the speaker to write the sentence on a slip of
paper, as it was unfit for print). "And do we not all
SMOKED GLASS. 137
know that this polluted reptile is sole owner of the can
didate for the next Presidency? Do we not all know that
this unparalleled dabbler and frequent betrayer of
(The Court permitted the speaker to commit the remark
to writing, as it would not do for print). " Yet this same
gentleman, this same person who, in a game of euchre
with his own brother, would use marked cards "
HON. MR. POLLTAX, Speaker of the House, decided
that the last remark was unparliamentary.
The HON. MR. WASHWOMAN arose calmly, and says he,
" The party may go on all day if he chooses. I scorn to
notice the impotent drivel of a " (Witness was suffered
by the Court to pencil the name on a piece of paper, as it
was unsuitable for publication). "I have plainly said, in
the letter to which he takes exception, that he once fled
from his native city under a false name, because he had
been detected in (The Court directed deponent to
write the remainder of the remark on a slip of foolscap,
as it was not adapted to public print.) " And now let the
party go on."
The HON. PIGNATIUS was sorry if he had said anything
unparliamentary, and demanded a Committee to ascertain
what day would be most convenient for the execution of
the Hon. Mr. Washwoman. If the proposition was not
out of order, he begged leave to invite all present to go
out and take the Test-oath with him.*
# * Appendix, 5,
138 THE STAMP ACT.
Amid the great enthusiasm naturally produced by this
pleasant termination of what had been a somewhat agitated
debate, the Kentucky Chap and I hurriedly repaired to
the nearest bathing establishment, where, after we had
carefully bathed, and had the splashes scraped from our
coats, we took different paths. In a much improved frame
of mind, the pride of Kentucky started toward Pennsylva
nia Avenue, while I designed a brief stroll about the Capi
tol grounds for the quieter meditation upon the great
truths we had just heard. Plunged in a delicious reverie,
I had but commenced my walk, when sounds of loud
cheering from the theatre of Impeachment caused me to
hastily enter that solemn temple and view the culminating
pageant.
The HON. THADDEUS BINGHAM had just concluded his
touching remarks detrimental to the respondent. He had
just finished his scathing exposure of an accidental Presi
dent whose lack of all decorum in public speaking has
justly subjected him to Impeachment by an outraged
Congress; and the assembled populace w r ere cheering the
consummate artist. Such disagreeable sounds, however,
were unseemly in such a place, inasmuch as they awoke
thirteen aged Senators from much-needed slumber, and
jarred the spectacles from the noses of two venerable
counsels for the defence.
The CHIEF JUSTICE tore off his night-cap and threw it
at a deaf chap in the gallery who had not heard the call
for Silence, and was still stamping and clapping horribly;
SMOKED GLASS. 139
and says he, "The police will please remove the galleries,
as it is impossible for the Senate to sleep amid such con
fusion."
Thus, at the mandate of arbitrary power, we were all
driven forth from our dormitories into the pitiless air.
Amongst the throng was the Mackerel Chaplain, and says
I to him,
"Who shall think, after such a popular ovation as this
to a native orator, that American eloquence is declining?"
"My good young friend," says the chaplain, shaking
his head, "it will ever remain a question in men s minds,
whether the late applause was a tribute to native elo
quence, or a free people s irrepressible delight at the
assured termination of the last of the Impeachment
Speeches."
Yours, undecidedly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER XI.
TAKING A HOPEFUL VIEW OF THE FUTURE OF AMERICAN ART; AFFORD
ING VALUABLE HINTS TO THE COMING GREAT HISTORICAL PAINTER;
AND SHOWING HOW \ SUDDEN AND UNPRECEDENTED OUTBREAK OF
MORALITY CAUSED A LAMENTABLE "HITCH" IN THE GREAT FINAL
TRANSFORMATION SCENE OF THE MAJESTIC DRAMA OF IMPEACHMENT.
WASHINGTON, D. C., May 16, 1868.
As we excitedly gaze through a piece of Smoked Glass,
my boy, upon the dazzling artistic resources of this dis
tracted country, and contemplate the National Academy
of Design, the American Water-Color Society, and the
House and Sign Painters Protective Union, we find am
ple encouragement for a hope that the -sesthetical future
will develop some great native wizard of the ladder, pen
cil, and brush, whose canvas shall worthily portray a few
of the more awful and chaste events of our intoxicated
national history. Having paid twenty-five cents admission
fee to the old lady at the door, and taken checks for their
canes from the decayed artist s male orphan in the vesti
bule, our grandchildren will walk in to survey the pictures
after the manner of dispassionate critics. "Oh!" they
will softly whisper to each other, as they stand affably be
fore the paintings, and assume that thoughtfully scowling
expression of countenance which is equally indicative of
140
SMOKED GLASS. 141
painters colic, and a cultivated knowledge of the fine arts
"Oh! how grand must these Impeachment scenes
have been to those who beheld them in reality! How
much must they have reminded their living spectators of
the sublime Senatorial pageants of ancient Home ! " After
saying which, and casually recognizing a few spring bon
nets of their acquaintance, our grandchildren will probably
step out together for a moment to obtain a glass of water
and a clove for their colds.
The strict utilitarian will sneer at this artistic anticipa
tion as the mere vision of an enthusiast; the mere wild
speculation of some dreamy worshipper of Titian and Ru
bens, whose sanguine temperament has been unduly fired
by an infatuated adoration of the glorious frescoes upon the
walls of the Capitol and the sides of the East Broadway
omnibuses. But I beg leave to make a pass at the strict
utilitarian with a broomstick, and calmly inform him, in the
gossipy language of the " Tribune," that he is a perjured
traitor to Impeachment, a revolting object to his constitu
ents, and a source of permanent regret to his Maker. Upon
a coarser subject I should feel justified in using stronger
terms; but art is still a delicate exotic with us, and we
must not attempt to dragoon its disbelievers into unity with
us by assailing them with violent abuse. I simply repeat,
then, that the strict utilitarian is an accursed renegade to
all that preserves from the loathing of his fellow-beings
any person differing on any subject from myself.
My belief in the exciting future of American Art is NOT
142 POP GOES THE EASEL!
based upon the frescoes on the walls of the Capitol and the
sides of the New York omnibuses. No, sir ! The mem
bers of Congress from my State may unanimously call
upon me to resign, or request me to refrain from voting,
but I must still adhere to my honest convictions. Great
outside pressure being brought to bear upon me, I may,
indeed, admit that I once noticed on the interior panels of
an Erie railroad-carriage a series of pink-and-blue Scrip
tural paintings, which showed what native art may yet
do toward preparing people s minds for a roll down an
embankment, and an accompanying fatal roast in a burning
sleeping-car. I may also admit, that much of the finer
statuary in and around the Capitol bids fair to find ample
appreciation in every American household during the
coming years ; mothers saying to their refractory children,
"Don t cry now, my dear, or the statue of Benjamin
Franklin will come after you." "Go right to sleep, like
a good boy, Johnny, or the equestrian figure of General
Jackson will catch you." But none of these great works
are responsible for my artistic faith in the future.
A true friend of mine (that is, one who tells me of my
faults, and seems really to regret that he has none of his
own), who lives here in a frame house, got a young artist-
acquaintance to do the front of his residence last week,
and, as I watched the progress of the chef d oeuvre, I
could not but feel high hopes that the impressive splendors
of Impeachment might indeed find a worthy limner at last.
Mounted on a ladder which was not more than twice tall
SMOKED GLASS. 143
enough for the edifice, and armed with a brush not much
larger than his head, the gifted young painter laid on his
touches with a boldness and breadth not always limited by
the mere width of the house. It must be admitted that he
got nearly as much paint upon the ladder and his own
clothes as upon the residence, and that, in reaching after
some nice effects of light and shade along the gutter-pipe,
he produced quite a picturesque and irregular white bor
der on the edge of the red-brick house next door ; but the
way that he threw chiaro oscuro into the shutters, and
painted clean through a pane of glass to the back of a rose
wood chair standing inside, was enough to show his genius.
And then, when he finally descended to the sidewalk, which
looked by this time as though a violent snow-storm were
stuck fast to it, and began working-up the stoop in straw-
color, I was amazed at the facility of his method. Like
other native artists, his drawing was not always exactly cor
rect, at times he drew his brush so far over the edge that
some of the straw-color ran down into the area, and about a
pint of it must have passed between the door and sill into
the hall, yet his middle-distance was good, and the place
where he rubbed off the paint by sitting down on it to tie
his shoe would not be noticed on a dark night. Being no
member of the pre-Raphaelite school, and scorning that
mechanical minuteness of petty detail which belongs rather
to the photographer s drudge than to the true artist, he
neglected to paint behind a towel hanging from one of the
upper windows, and also left a few bare streaks up near
144 DISTANCE LENDS ENCHANTMENT.
the eaves, but, then, to secure harmony of effect, he painted
the door-plate and door-knob with the greatest care.
In the afternoon, my friend returned home from Im
peachment, and, after slipping down upon the white lead
on the sidewalk and getting his vest, coat, and hat taste
fully touched up with turpentine and straw-color, stared
critically at the great work.
"Dear me," says he, with unreasonable hypercriticism,
" isn t that place up there, by the towel, a little too
sketchy?"
The sensitive young artist pushed him impatiently aside
with his paint-brush, and says he,
1 i Do you expect to examine a great painting by stand
ing close enough to touch it with your nose ? Just step
off to the proper distance, a couple of blocks, say,
and you ll see the difference."
My friend retired a couple of blocks for the purpose;
but quickly returned in great agitation, and says he,
"From that distance the house doesn t look as though
it had been painted at all."
"Exactly ! " says the young artist, triumphantly. " The
perfection of art is to conceal art. I ll leave the ladder
standing here five or six days, and send in my bill immedi
ately." And he shook hands with us with the greatest
good feeling, and promptly retired with the pots to his
Academy of Painting.
His work, my boy, was a bold Sketch, a strong Study,
rather than a strictly-finished composition; and what I at
SMOKED GLASS. 145
first took for his signature in the lower right-hand corner,
has since proved to be the sign . of a Dutch boot-maker
keeping shop in the basement; but the young artist is des
tined to rise (especially when he has a ladder with him),
and, as he is particularly noted for his Varnishing also,
we may well believe that the man destined to pictorialize
Impeachment for posterity is not far off. The man must
be really great with VARNISH, you see, or the sublime
historical" work may be regarded by posterity as altogether
too shallow-looking and crude to be tolerated by respectable
notice.
As it is unquestionably a duty of the contemporaneous
historian to give the future artist certain vivid hints for
his canvas, I take the liberty of insinuating that last Mon
day and Tuesday afternoons offered fine opportunities for
sketching, and that some vigorous " whitewashing " was
even attempted on the spot. Art, however, has its sepa
rate departments; and if the inspired whitewasher shall
also be required to touch-up some of the principal figures
in the great historical Impeachment picture of the future,
it is to be hoped that the gifted young painter and varnisher
will not grudge a reasonable share of the honors to his
brother-artist. Many of our very greatest public men are
already known to prefer whitewash to natural colors in such
portraits of themselves as are taken for posterity ; and,
aside even from the admitted necessity of this branch of
art in the depiction of such eminent historical personages,
its practical encouragement by all true philanthropists can-
13
146 THE GREAT TRIBUNE-AL.
not fail to aid notably in the elevation of the freed-negro
race, many of whose members are its ablest exponents.
To both branches of art, then, I may intimate, that a
picture representing a massive lump of white sugar in an
elevated background, and about ten thousand agitated horse
flies swarming at it in the fore and middle ground, will con
vey a reliable idea of the majestic Theatre of Impeachment
on the afternoons I have named. A general and particular
understanding that the great final Transformation Scene
of the exciting play was to have a private rehearsal on
Monday, preparatory to its triumphant production at the
Tuesday matinee, caused all the unemployed persons in the
United States to visit this city without further confusion;
and, as I looked down from my window at Willard s upon
the dense throng of amusement-seekers in the street, I could
not help saying to myself, after the manner of Xerxes,
"Of all these myriads, not one will be alive in a hun
dred years from now ! None live more than a hundred
years, except revolutionary veterans and poll-parrots. Even
now, some five or six Senators are seriously sick from Im
peachment Speeches. The thought is melancholy, and I ll
just step down to the bar-room and see if there are any
letters for me from Jamaica or Santa Cruz."
But the surging throng in the hallways caught me as I
descended, and I was summarily swept out-doors upon the
Avenue, just in time to hear the remarks of the venerable
Miss P. Hen; who had arrived hastily from New York
expressly to witness the great Transformation Scene, and
SMOKED GLASS. 147
was waving her blue cotton umbrella in a spirited harangue
to the populace. Miss P. Hen is the author of the most
reliable History of the War ever delivered to subscribers
at four dollars a volume, besides being celebrated for bail
ing out the recent well-known Southern Confederacy ; and
says she,
"The great Transformation Scene will satisfy every
body, and be universally accepted by the press and public
as the most splendid spectacle of the age. A. Johnson is
transformed into a private citizen; B. Wade is turned into
the King of Fairy-Land, and all the seven-thirties are
changed into five-twenties. One of our great machinists,
named Trumbull, is probably the most ingenious man ever
known, and also deserves credit as the author of that im
mortal Civil Rights Act which permits colored men to go
behind the scenes and "
Here a well-informed chap came tearing frantically
along from the majestic Theatre of Impeachment, and says
he,-
"There s a hitch in the rehearsal of the Transformation
Scene, my friends ! Trumbull refuses to perform ; because,
he says, that theatricals are immoral."
Miss P. Hen made a pass at him with her blue cotton
umbrella, and says she, -
"As every enemy of decency and morality remarks,
Trumbull is the most ingenious man ever known; but
outraged public sentiment points at him the withering
finger of scorn, and the coming ages shall regard him as a
148 SCRUPLES VERSUS DRAMA.
noxious insect. Oh!" says Miss P. Hen, with wild emo
tion, "I feel that I could tear his ejes out! "
Turning sadly from sight of the gifted lady s tears, and
edging slowly around a group of solid Boston men, who
were committing an assault with carpet-bags upon another
machinist, named Grimes, who was also suspected of hav
ing moral scruples against the drama, I came suddenly
upon that haughty Southerner, Loyola -Munchausen, who,
in his surtout of French-Yoke Shirt, and Spring-overcoat
of Water-Proof Awning, was malevolently offering bets
against the success of the great Transformation Scene.
He had left his organ and monkey at home in the suburban
hen-house where he now resides; but I noticed two or three
new business-cards pasted in the advertising panels of the
half a boot-leg which he wears as a dress-hat ; and says he,
" Here you are, now, ten mortgages to five that the
Transformation Scene don t work. Here you are : first
and second mortgages on improved Southern real-estate.
Ten to five that the great Transformation don t come
off to-morrow."
Before I could salute him, there was a fresh excitement
right behind me, where the irascible Miss P. Hen had
lighted upon Fessenden, a third, machinist, whose moral
compunctions would not allow him to take final part in the
immoral drama, and was indignantly beating him over the
head with her blue cotton umbrella. "Oh! " says she to
him, "you nasty thing!" And she stuck the ferule of
SMOKED GLASS. 149
her umbrella into his ear, and began spanking him with
one of her shoes.*
And when the memorable Tuesday came, and it was
really announced to the vast audience of the Impeach
ment matinee, that, in consequence of a defect in the com
plicated machinery, the great Transformation Scene must
be deferred until Saturday, it actually seemed as though
the dramatic public were bent upon having the Scene, even
though it were given separately as merely a Farce.
Under the supervision of the incensed P. Hen, a public
indignation meeting was immediately called, whereat it was-
unanimously resolved, that those machinists who were
moral should either at once resign all employment and go
to the Poorhouse, or be adjudged guilty of corruption,
tergiversation, and inexpressible iniquity.
These, my boy, are a few of the points to which I
would call the especial attention of the future great his
torical painters of this distracted country; trusting that
varnish and whitewash will combine to make the pictures
a refinement upon the originals,
Yours, sketchingly,
ORPHEUS C. KERB.
* " Beneath the rule of men entirely great,
The P. Hen is mightier than the Seward." BULWBB.
13*
LETTER XII.
NARRATING THE SUDDEN JOURNEY OF OUR CORRESPONDENT AND OTHERS
TO THE SOUTH ON A MISSION OF RECONSTRUCTION; ILLUSTRATING THE
USUAL GYMNASTIC PERILS OF AMERICAN RAILROAD TRAVEL , AND POR
TRAYING HOW THE WRITER AND CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, ESKEVIRE,
WERE RECEIVED BY A RENOWNED CONFEDERACY.
w CHIPMUNK COURT HOUSE, May 20, 1868.
THE Human Mind ! what a marvellous, commonplace,
firm, unstable possession it is ! The more we have of it to
show, the greater is our envy of Shakespearian Comment
ators, Native Dramatists, Congressmen, and others, who
possess merely that piece of mind which passeth show.
Mine, my boy, is an inquiring mind, that is to say, it
ventilates itself in quires, and, having grown weary of
those Impeachment splendors which once it doated on, now
asks itself, What next ?
Inspiring me to smoke my piece of glass anew, it also
directs me to turn that reliable safety-lens Southward;
and, in obedience to the hint, I have even secured the ap
pointment of National Stenographer to a Reconstructing
Expedition lately organized for a Confederate clime, arid
now beg leave to propose a suitable prefatory sentiment,
after the manner of all great historians.
Peace, meek-eyed Peace, has cut its snowy pigeon-
150
SMOKED GLASS. 151
wings over the recent Southern tracks of Federal carnage,
and our beloved country reels more mighty and prosperous
from the late sanguinary affair than writhing Europe cares
to admit. How beautiful is the spectacle, as we view it
through a piece of Smoked Glass ! How sublime a thing
it is to see a million of strategic troops turning tranquilly
from the tented field, and selling Newtown pippins on the
ferry-boats ! How ennobling it is to think that the very
beings who were once brass-buttoned brigadiers, and drank
success to the good cause in many a fiercely-contested bot
tle, are now applying in large numbers for admission to
the bar kept by Themis !
Tis sweet, my native land, to behold thine exhibition
of so much majestic shape to the world; and all will ecstat
ically black thy boots, save affrighted Albion, and that
imperial Gaul whose not remote purchase of our iron-clad
"Dunderberg" * may yet make us wish that we hadn t
made such French-ship.
Toning this sentiment to the more dulcet register of my
fine organ (which I find to be the name for "voice," in the
admirable musical criticisms of all our excellent morning
journals), I expressed it to the Conservative Kentucky
Chap, the other day, in an ante-room of the White House,
where we stood waiting our turn to take a parting pardon
with the Executive before departing on our several Gov
ernment salaries.
Merely stepping aside for a moment, while a large-sized
*Now known as the " Rochambeau " of the Imperial navy.
152 WE FOR GIVING YOU FOR GETTING.
Confederacy, on his way to take a pardon, made a cheerful
pass with his bowie-knife at a one-armed Federal hireling
near the wall, the Conservative Kentucky Chap pulled on
a pair of yellow kid gloves, and says he,
" Tis sweet, indeed, to see our native land thus rising
like a Felix from her ashes, and causing all the iron-clads
of nature to tremble horribly together at Cherbourg and
Spithead but Kentucky far prefers the pageant of these
Confederacies, now forgiving their recent Vandal foes, and
taking pardon at the same table with him who was once
their tailor." *
Here the Conservative Kentucky Chap accepted an
apology from the haughty Virginian, who had accidentally
knocked his hat over his eyes in an attempt to hit an ad
jacent crippled Hessian with his cane, and ate a hickory
nut from the lunch-basket of a female Confederacy in front
of him.
" Very true, my discriminating Von Bismarck," said I,
sagely ; and I doubt not the forgiving nature of these
sunny men expects to meet in return a disposition for giv
ing them anything they ask ! "
"Hem!" says the Conservative Kentucky Chap, se
verely, as he moved hastily aside to let a Confederacy of
much collar get his shoes polished by a member of our
national conservative organization. "Hem!" says the
* It may be remembered that President Johnson s stronger demonstrations
against Congress brought multitudes of ex-rebel pardon-seekers to the White
House.
SMOKED GLASS. 153
Kentucky chap, "you possess a radical soul, incapable of
appreciating that noble sect of reconstructed planters with
whom Kentucky is connected by marriage."
Cowering under his just rebuke, and thinking that, after
all, I should be as well without a pardon so late in the
afternoon, I shook hands with him, and then respectfully
begged my way through all the Southern States to the
front door, from whence I sped to the railroad depot, where
Captain Villiam Brown and the Conic* Section of the late
unconquerable Mackerel Brigade were to start with me for
Chipmunk Court House, in storied Aceomac.
We were going by rail to reconstruct that sunflower of
chivalry, Captain Munchausen ; and we took to him, as a
Provisional Governor, his elder brother, Loyola Munchau
sen, whose unflinching fidelity to the Union, in not taking
arms for the South while laid up with typhus fever and
inflammatory rheumatism, had very justly procured for
him this appointment. It is by thus encouraging the loyal
element of a sunny clime that we unite justice with mag
nanimity, and astonish Professor Goldwin Smith, of Oxford.
" Well, my wizard of the sword," said I to Villiam, as
I espied that unpromoted warrior on the platform of a car,
giving directions as to the disposal of his property to an
attorney of his acquaintance, "is the Provisional aboard,
and all right for starting? "
*The Mackerel "Conic" Section is so called by reason of its novel stra
tegical tendency to assume the shape of a cone when going into action, the
attenuated apex being toward the enemy.
154 THROUGH LIXES.
"Yes, my fren ," said Villiam, handing his watch to
the attorney, and sadly intimating that it was to be sent to
his poor mother; "yes," says Villiam, "he s holding his
breath on a seat by himself, and trying to be cam."
" Ah ! " said I, vainly endeavoring to appear unmoved,
"where are we expected to have our first engagement? "
"Just below here, my fren ," says Villiam, cutting off
a lock of his hair for the attorney, " where a couple of
rails are broken."
Too much affected to say more, we went into the car
reserved for officers* and civilians, and took a seat together, .
with our hands interclasped. Thus we sat; and, while
the train was waiting for a speculative surgeon to come
aboard, an agent of a Yankee "Accident Insurance Com
pany" introduced a street-minstrel with a harp, who played
and sang this harmless
BIT OF RAILLERY.
Botsy Bacon, dearest one,
Lay your head upon my shoulder;
Will you go and be a nun,
When your lover s hand is colder ?
Will his mangled last remains
Win from you a tear of pity ?
Oh, that other things than trains
Took us to a neighboring city !
Wildly gazed she in my face,
Crying, as she clung about me,
" Bobby, in the name of grace,
Go away you sha n t without me !
SMOKED GLASS. 155
" Why, I thought you only meant,
Just a business trip to make it;
Yet you seem on death intent;
Have you stole my he^rt to break it ?
" "Wherefore speak of death at all ;
Aren t you coming back to-morrow ?
Let me some physician call;
What has crazed you, joy or sorrow?"
Betsy, darling low I spoke
Don t you know by rail I m going ?
Ev ry train there s something broke,
By the daily paper s showing.
lis as sure as sure can be
That some accident will happen;
Likely the first bridge we see
Will give way and let us slap in.
Or a train of freight we ll strike,
Or another train run into;
Count on life, with death so like?
Well you know twould be a sin to !
Sadly droop d her pretty head,
Like a lily rudely shaken ;
" If for life you care," she said,
" Stay at home, and save yoor Bacon ! "
sudden Death ! At any time thou seemest to us
the most terrible of earthly ills, save when Mr. Tupper
brings out a new book ; but how supernaturally malignant
dost thou appear when we have to buy the tickets for our
156 THE EYES OF THE WHOLE WHIRLED.
own funeral, and die standing on our heads between two
mutilated brakemen.
" Hum ! " says Villiain, thoughtfully, just as the train
began to move ; 1 1 are those the marbles of my childhood
which mine eyes behold?"
I looked to the car floor, as he spoke, and beheld certain
little figured glass balls, as they appeared to be, rolling
loosely around ; but, upon picking one up, I found it to be
a human eye.
"Conductor," said I, calmly as I could, to a being
attached to his watch by a large chain, who was waltzing
solemnly down the aisle and doing the ticket trick, con
ductor," said I, "what mean these?"
"Why," says the conductor, pleasantly, "you see the
cars haven t been swept out since that last little affair we had
with the night express from Pinchtown." Here the affa
ble conductor took up an eye, and says he, "If the crystal
of that one wasn t broken, it would make a neat scarf-pin ! "
Just at this moment, the engaging conductor quickly
ascended to the top of the car, and put his head through
the ventilator, and all the gentlemen in the seats adjacent
joined me in sitting upon Captain Villiam Brown.
For we had had a spirited skirmish with a milk train,
and had killed two drovers and a lozenge-boy.
"You see," said the polite conductor, coming down, and
continuing the conversation, "when you have eyes only,
you can t do much else than use them for scarf-pins ; but
when you have a few good legs, five or six hands that have
SMOKED GLASS. 157
corne off clean, and as many tops of heads as would fill a
small basket, the directors let you sell them to the medical
students, for the company, and. pay a fair commission to
you."
The really agreeable conductor now darted through the
length of the car, and placed his head through the top of
the door, and four fat women and the Provisional Governor
went to bed upon Villiam and me.
For we had had a sharp time on the right with a broken
bridge, and wounded twelve Mackerels and the baggage-
master.
" It must be plain to everybody," observed the genial
conductor, coming back with his collar-bone broken, and
resuming the interview, a that the leg and hand business
will hardly pay you sometimes ; for I have known whole
weeks to pass without giving you anything more than a
couple of dozen fingers, and a few poorly-executed knee-
pans, which don t pay you for taking them to the medical
college."
It was at this moment that the amiable conductor went
very swiftly and stood upon his head behind the stove, and
Villiam stretched himself at full length from a pink bonnet
to a large " chignon."
For we had had a brilliant charge down a bank, and
scalded three brakemen and a conductor.
" Some people might imagine," said the lively conductor,
not. minding his broken arms, and regaining the thread of
his discourse, " that you might make something out of the
14
158 A TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
feet and shoulder-blades you sometimes get , but the feet
are apt to be too much crushed to pay, and so many
shoulder-blades are brought to market from the Western
trains, on which a great many elderly maiden ladies travel,
that they are a perfect drug."
Upon which the thoroughly fascinating conductor van
ished magically behind the half of the car-floor which arose
between him and us, and Villiam and I retired over the
top of the water-cooler.
For we had had a stirring affair with a broken tie, and
rolled nine women and a quarter-master into one vignti-
pede.
Captain Villiam Brown removed the cover of the water-
cooler from his head, where it had rested like a helmet,
and says he,
" Who shall care for mother now ? "
" Cheer up, my blue and gold Achilles," said I, extri
cating my left thigh from the side of the car, and noticing
with satisfaction that we had just run over a cow with
safety; " cheer up, for we approach the place where
awaits us the flower of chivalry ! "
" Ah ! " says Villiam, taking his will from an inner
pocket, and pinning it to his coat collar, so that it might
be easily seen by those who should find the upper part of
his body, " ah ! " says he, softly, " train up a man in
the way he should go, and he will not live to be old enough
to depart from it. That is," says Villiam, explainingly,
SMOKED GLASS. 159
" if the train is on a railroad appertaining to the United
States of America."
This sagacious remark of Villiam suggested to me that
the " train up " in a man s case, like the " train up " in a
child s, not unfrequently owed its mishaps to a misplaced
switch ; and I was about to convey the idea to Villiam, in
the unstudied phraseology of our more serious comic
journals, when we both went up like rockets into the air.
For we had had something of a brush with the exploding
boiler of the locomotive, and had experienced what an un-
grammatical person might denominate the last rose of
summer.
" Hum ! " says Villiam, from the top of a pine tree ; " is
this. Chipmunk Court House?"
" It must be, my bird of Mars," murmured I, from the
upper branches of a horse-chestnut.
Here a dreadful groan burst from Provisional Governor
Munchausen, who was seated on the chimney of a deserted
house beside the track, and says he, "Do my spectacles
relate a falsehood, or is that really a human being up
yonder? "
It was the figure of the engaging conductor, impaled
upon a lightning-rod surmounting a lofty flag-staff, and
striking feebly out with his hands and feet, after the manner
of a fly on a pin. As we gazed, there came down a soft
voice of solicitation, and it said, " Tick-ets ! "
" Ah ! " says Villiam, " his name is Tickets ! "
160 " KNUCKLES DOWN%"
Here the friendly conductor wriggled impatiently, and
held down a hand toward us, and says he,
"TICK-ETS!"
After which, he immediately folded up, and we felt that
his spirit had fled to its native depot.
Luckily for us, my boy, Captain Munchausen now
arrived at the scene, from his native palace, to pick out a
few remains of such friends as might have come on the
train ; and as we came down the trees, and noticed nearly
all the Conic Section coming down from other trees around,
he nodded the woollen stocking which served him as a cap,
and says he,
" Having been overpowered by superior numbers, I am
prepared to be reconstructed, and accept the temporary
protection of your armed ruffians."
Villiam endeavored to draw his good sword, Escalibar;
but, finding that exquisitely tempered weapon too much
bent to come out of the scabbard, he remembered the ter
rifying effect of the word " Sirrah ! " as found in all our
absorbing weekly journals of aristocratic romance, and
says he,
. " Peace, sarah ! "
Captain Munchausen superciliously thrust his hands
into his pockets, quite forgetful that all his knuckles
came visibly through in front, and says he,
"Let the Union meeting proceed to organize, after the
wishes of our noble President."
Hereupon the Provisional Governor at once mounted an
SMOKED GLASS. 161
inverted pail, and addressed the vast assemblage in the
following speech,
" FELLOW-CITIZENS OF ACCOMAC, Four years of heroic
war and glorious self-sacrifice, for a wicked cause still dear
to every freeman s heart, having failed for the present to
attain our independence, let us rejoice at the restoration of
the beloved old Union, under our noble President, and
return to it full of forgiveness for the present ! "
Here the meeting was for a moment disturbed, by Captain
Munchausen s involuntary discharge of a pistol at a Mack
erel corporal, who was accidentally looking at him like a
conqueror ; but order was quickly restored, by the arrest
of the soldier, on a charge of stealing glances, and the
meeting went on.
"I am appointed Provisional Governor, to secure your
forgiveness by means of provisions ; and while I would
earnestly entreat you, fellow-citizens, never to cease
cherishing the glory of that greatest and purest of patriots,
Mr. Jefferson Davis, I would also implore you to stand by
our noble President in his struggle with the reptiles of the
North ! "
Captain Munchausen merely turned away for a moment,
to make a kick at a Mackerel passing by, and then says
he,-
* The sunny South will receive you again as equals !
Follow me with your vampyres to my chateau ! "
As we followed him, through the shades of evening, I
noticed that Captain Yilliam Brown was deeply moved.
U*
162 IN
"Ah ! " says Villiam, profoundly, "tfie sunny South is
like the feather-bed of my early years, and grows larger
from being well beaten."
And like woman, who is never farther from her con
queror s feet than when she yields to his arms !
Yours, amiably,
OKPHEUS C. KERB.
LETTER XIII.
USHERING IN THE LADY OF THE CHATEAU WITH ALL THE FORMS AND
GRACES; INTRODUCING CROQUET AND ONE OF ITS USUAL RESULTS; AND
RECORDING THE DIREFUL MISTAKE OF AN UNSUSPECTING UNION OFFICER.
CHIPMDNK COURT HOUSE, May 21, 1868.
How exquisite a creation is woman, as she evokes the
soothing melody of home from a seven-octave piano, and
warbles the anguish of Italy in a manner to reach the ears
of Garibaldi ! How like a fairy of patient tenderness and
love is she to the little spanklings of the tranquil house,
as she fondly confides them to the care of her sweeping
mother, while she goes out to do a little shopping; or
thoughtfully persuades them from the apartment when one
calls whose misery as to what to do with his hat and legs
might overtask their delicate young nerves ! How softly
creak her ministering steps in the sick-room, as she goes
every three minutes to see what time it is getting to be,
and seldom upsets more than two chairs and the tray of
breakfast things on each chronological occasion ! Ho^Y. like
a soothing vision, from some better world is she to her care
worn husband, when she acutely sympathizes in all his
troubles by having the sick-headache as soon as he com
mences telling them to her, and ardently shares in all his
joys at the exact moment when they take the shape of an
163
164 A SKIRT INDIVIDUAL..
invitation to the opera ! And then, when adversity comes
down upon him to whom she has sworn to send all her
bills, and he finds it difficult to buy that daily cheap cigar
which he feels compelled as a gentleman to purchase at
the gratuitous lunch-saloon where he inexpensively dines,
how touching is it to see her so willingly practising all the
rigors of economy, to see her giving only four dollars for
a " braid," when she might get one for four and a quarter,
and contenting herself with three pounds of " mixed"
candies, when French assorted fruit-drops are so much
higher !
The arrival of Matilda Munchausen at the chateau of
her brother is the event leading me into this train of
thoughts ; and when I remember how this fair girl freely
offered a pair of ear-rings to be melted into cannon for the
South, and went with her own feet to carry a pair of em
broidered lamp-mats to a sick Confederacy in the hospital,
I feel that my eyes, in dying, could not rest upon any
thing more beautiful and appropriate than a woman s hand
presenting me with a crochet smoking-cap.
At the commencement of the recent misunderstanding
between the sections, Matilda fled from the chateau to
Wilmington, where news of the latest fashions was likely
to be soonest heard ; and at the period when the pros
pects of the South seemed darkest, wrote to her brothers
that the Elliptic Hoop-skirt was the best. And now, that
Reconstruction has set in, and edging is no dearer in Wil
mington than it is anywhere else, she has returned hastily
SMOKED GLASS. 165
to the halls of her fathers to get her back-hair recon
structed.
Captain Villiam Brown and I had just returned from
reproving two Mackerels, who had been scalded with hot
tea by order of the Provisional Governor for looking at the
surrounding country like conquerors, as it were, we had
just returned from this mission of duty, when Matilda
Munchausen arrived and asked if anybody had called dur
ing the last six years.
" Matilda," said Captain Munchausen. impressively, as
he retied the bit of twine which held his vest together in
front, the two blue Vandals before you, trimmed with
brass buttons, are ha ! ha ! our Conquerors ; and you
must not spit on them for the present. Miss Munchausen,
Vandals; Vandals, Miss Munchausen."
" Ah ! " says Villiam, bowing as one who should look
for a pin upon the floor, and recovering himself just in
time to save a small black bottle from sliding out of his
pocket, "we are Vandals only in our extreme willingness
to take a Roam with you."
"And," said I, bowing also, "you are yourself fair
enough to make each of us a Cinna."
"Sirs," said Matilda, haughtily, "while you are guests
at my brother s chateau, and have your minions on the
grass-plat, which is a burning shame, I shall not wear my
hair in papers. But you must not bring any of your con
quering airs here, and I won t have you looking at my
back-hair as if it was anything to be ashamed of because
166 CREDIT JUDJ3US APELLA !
it isn t fixed ex-act-ly like the latest style in New York.
Oh!" said Matilda, with energy, "I should like to scratch
your eyes out!"
"Matilda ! Matilda ! " said Captain Munchausen, gloomily.
"Never mind, Sarah," saysVilliam, affably, "my fren
and I understand the fair seek. Ah!" says Villiam, in
soft ecstasy, how like a bounding fawn would that lovely
face appear in a new style of spring bonnet which mine eyes
beheld of late in Washington ! It was," says Villiam,
dreamily, "a teaspoonful of lace, seasoned with fine gold-
dust, and garnished with raw tummattusses and green
57
It was a shame that the Provisional Governor inter
rupted him just then; for her beautiful head was thrown
eagerly forward, her eyes were all alight with the radiance
of excitement, and her just-parted lips, like a cleft-rose,
seemed to exhale the fragrance of sweet thoughts.
"The South, visionary satrap," said the Provisional
Governor, taking off his spectacles to cool them in conse
quence of his eyes having flashed with indignation, "the
South, visionary satrap, refuses to buy the luxuries of the
North, having learned that six months credit is to be re
fused with contumely. Now, let us to crockay."
We all followed his lead out doors to the croquet ground,
our host having enthusiastically adopted the game, upon
information that it was fashionable in Europe, from a cousin
who sold lozenges on the Continent. Gaining the spot,
and looking down upon the half-hoops sticking into the
SMOKED GLASS. 167
ground, I was about to speak, when Villiam suddenly gave
a start, and I saw Matilda flitting hastily from his side.
"Ah!" says Villiam.
"How now, my Napoleon?" asked I.
"My fren ," says Villiam, in a whisper, "that sweet
being pinched me."
"What for?" said I.
"Hum!" says Villiam, rubbing his arm, " methinks she
loves me; and she s winkin at me now."
Alas! for the quick susceptibility of woman s heart!
Matilda was indeed winking and motioning in an extraordi
nary manner just at that instant, and seemed anxious to
remind the man of her choice that the terrible fact of their
long and secret attachment must on no account be divulged
to her brothers. Thus it is that young Love, when first
an occupant of woman s nature bold, yet timid is ever
making an arrow escape !
The mallets with which the game of croquet is played
not having arrived from Europe, we were supplied instead
with shovels, marked "U. S.;" and as the requisite balls
we re not found in the barrels from whence the half-hoops
were ingeniously extracted, we used apples in their places.
With much chivalry of manner did the dignified Mun-
chausen advance with his shovel and strike an apple through
half the hoops, closely followed by Matilda Munchausen,
who beckoned Villiam to follow her and struck her apple
with still better effect. Villiam, with a heavenly smile
upon his countenance, attended to his fruit with equal skill,
168 MEET TO PARTNER MORE.
and the Provisional Governor and I came after in a state
of feverish excitement. Wildly raged the manly sport,
and all the apples were close together near the last wicket,
when there suddenly appeared upon the scene a ravenous
pig, of severe visage, who incontinently devoured them in
a twinkling of the eye.
"By chivalry!" exclaimed Captain Munchausen, " he s
eaten up all the crockay."
"Well, I declare ! " said Matilda Munchausen, "to have
all spoiled by a pig ! "
"Ah!" says Villiam, softly, "be not offended with the
accident, sweet warbler. Is not a pig," says Villiam,
tenderly, "like a bride, when he plights his troth?"
The noble girl seemed not to. hear this beautiful idea;
for she looked quickly around to be sure that her brothers
were not looking, and then, grasping his nearest hand, she
murmured, earnestly,
"You will not disappoint me?"
1 i Never ! ; says Villiam, with dreadful intensity.
She put her face nearer to his, and hissed,
"Couldn t you put it in a letter?"
"Ah!" says Villiam, beginning to dance ecstatically,
"let me put it upon that lovely brow."
"You are kyind, very kyind, sir," whispered the maiden,
hurriedly, l but it would not be right to accept such a thing
from a stranger."
Hum ! says Villiam, musingly, wilt meet me this
evening by moonlight alone in the back kitchen? "
SMOKED GLASS. 169
" Will you tell me all, then ? " she asked, eagerly.
Villiam nodded after the manner of an incorrigible
Byron.
"Then I will be there," said Matilda; and flew to
regain her brothers who were already walking on.
From that moment, until nightfall, Captain Villiam
Brown spake never a word; but I saw that he was
steadily growing more depressed, and once or twice I
caught him contemplating, with suppressed sighs, a photo
graph of his mother. Oh, how beautiful is that attribute
of our common nature which, at any age, makes our
thoughts revert to " Mother" at the approach of a great
danger ! Even the old man, on the verge of bankruptcy,
has been heard to refer respectfully to his mother as one
who always cheerfully predicted that he would yet come
to want, because, as a boy, he had refused to eat crust ;
aijd the young man, whether in a storm at sea, or
threatened with marriage, equally regrets having left that
mother s side.
As the stars commenced to appear, I walked out with
Villiam, and endeavored to calm his natural fears. I
told him, that if he felt really unable to purchase one new
bonnet, three pairs of balmorals, six lace handkerchiefs
and four pairs of gloves per month, it was his duty to
avoid making any proposals ; but that he must seize her
arm the moment she drew a pistol, and trust me to come to
his assistance with two muskets from behind the mangle.
" My fren ," says Villiam, with deep emotion, " would
15
170 A BEXDED BEAU.
you have me rooflessly destroy all that young being s
vision of going to the milliner s and pricing expensive silks
all the way down Broadway? No!" says Villiam,
sternly, " I will not blight her young life thus, even with
silk at its present exciting prices."
Not having it in my heart to protest further against the
sweet romance of two fond hearts, I silently armed myself
with two muskets from the Mackerel camp on the lawn,
and hastened in advance to conceal myself behind the man
gle in the back kitchen.
Soon Matilda Munchausen entered by one door, with a
lighted candle in her hand, and Villiam came through
another with feeble steps. r
" Sir," said Matilda Munchausen, "our seneschal, who
is just outside the door in the hall, must not be kept wait
ing too long before locking up the chateau for the night ;
and so you will please be brief; but, at the same time, I
must know all, and I will see if I have enough money."
"Money ! " says Villiam, going down upon his knees;
"don t think money will buy what I could give thee
freely ! "
" I am sorry, sir, to find you so intoxicated that you
cannot stand on your feet," returned the maiden ; "and
perhaps you can tell me better at another time."
"Madam," says Villiam, rising with dignity to his feet
again, " I had reason to suppose that you were interested
in some remarks I made to-day."
"Yes, yes, I was," said Matilda.
A love of z bonnet.
SMOKED GLASS. 171
" You asked me to tell you in a letter, and now meet
me here on condition of my telling you all ? "
"Yes, yes ! " ejaculated the now agitated Matilda Mun-
chausen, " and now tell me, how was it trimmed ? "
" Ah ! " says Villiam, " how was who trimmed ? "
Miss Munchausen ate a peppermint drop as she sat on
the refrigerator, and says she,
" Why, the bonnet of course. That bonnet you com
menced telling about this morning."
Villiam slapped his left leg with tremendous vehemence,
and says he,
" Come out with the muskets, my fren , and behold the
wreck of what was once a man."
As I appeared from behind the mangle, Matilda fled
from the kitchen with precipitation, and the seneschal and
I stood alone with him.
"Well, my Marshal Ney," said I, pleasantly, "how
was it trimmed? "
"With l Illusion , my fren ," says Villiam, sadly;
"with Illusion. "
Better was it thus for him, my boy, than if he had
really fallen a matrimonial victim to that strong-minded
sex whose occasional manner of resenting breaches of prom
ise seems to indicate, that said promise, as they compre
hend it, by anticipation, is promise of breeches.
Yours, indignantly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER XIV.
CHRONICLING THE ARRIVAL OF P. PENRUTHERS AS SUITOR; THE AN
CIENT FEUDAL CEREMONIES THEREAT J AND THE DREADFUL DEMEANOR
OF THE NOBILITY AT THE ENSUING BANQUET.
CHIPMUNK COURT HOUSE, May 23, 1868.
To the man of limited salary and a religious turn of
mind, nothing is more revolting than the presumptuous
pride and four-horse turnout of a wealthy person. The man
of limited salary and a religious turn of mind, who takes
his cheap but happy ride to Central Park in a horse-car,
pauses for a moment at the Fifth- Avenue entrance of that
park to scratch himself; and, as the sinful vehicles of the
rich roll by him, he softly murmurs, " Give me my horse-
car and a clear conscience, rather than a basket-phaeton
and a soul guilty of wealth. My horse-car may not be
inclosed with plate-glass," says he, cheerily, wiping the
dust out of his ears; "it may not be devoted to myself
alone," says he, scraping the mud from his knees where
an Irish-woman s baby had stood upon them during the
trip ; " but it brings one here as safely as though it were a
chariot. Eoll on, then, ye hapless children of mammon,
in your shining carriages. I ask none of your gold to
make me the more virtuous as a man, or the more justly
celebrated as an umbrella-maker."
172
SMOKED GLASS. 173
And what, after all, is this wealth, that its possession
should bring pride, its loss despair ? Its sudden with
drawal in consequence of a Vandal war of emancipation
may, indeed, oblige men of imperious natures to go around
in straw hats made of the bottoms of baskets, and collars
composed of wall-paper ; it may compel them to dine and
attend church in dressing-gowns made of old window-cur
tains ; but it cannot crush the indomitable souls long ac
customed to implicit obedience from persons of African
descent; nor humiliate the chivalric minds to which
everything from the North, save six months credit, has
always been inexpressibly disgusting.
Imagine yourself here beside me, my boy, at Chip
munk Court House, gazing at the patrimonial chateau of
the Munchausens, with four mortgages upon it, and a
Dutch-oven sticking out of the side. Has it any less
dignity to the sight as the castle of an ancient and
knightly race, merely because a temporary misunder
standing with the Rothschilds impels its owner to wear
a woollen stocking for a smoking-cap, and a pair of his de
ceased wife s hose for gloves ? Does it loom less princely
upon the vision as a stately Southern home, merely be
cause a few of the shingles have fallen from the ram
parts, and one of the towers closely resembles a chimney
with all the top bricks blown off ? You dare not answer
in the affirmative. You dare not believe that a tempo
rary misunderstanding with the Rothschilds is any dero-
15*
174 A BAGGAGE CHECK.
gation from the native dignity of men who are strangers
to fear and a fear to strangers.
On Tuesday morning, while Captain Villiam Brown
was shaving himself, in his own room, with the bit of
window-glass which our host had lent him for the pur
pose, and I was seated in my own chamber, upon an old
wagon-seat, which served as a sofa, there entered unto
me Loyola Munchausen ; who, with his usual haughty
air, threw himself upon the inverted butter-tub which
represented a chair in the suite of Southern cottage
furniture.
" I greet your Highness," said I, rising, and pretend
ing a delicate blindness to the fact that the pocket-hand
kerchief fluttering in his right hand had undoubtedly been
manufactured from a discarded night-cap. " I greet your
Highness. To what am I indebted for your worshipful
company this morning ? "
" Sir," said he, loftily, " I can no longer refrain from
noticing that you have brought a carpet-bag with you to
the South." *
"I cannot deny it," said I, coloring with shame.
" Then, sir," added the imperious Southerner, lean
ing heavily upon the reversed barrel which served as the
toilet-table of the cottage suite, " let me warn you
against making that carpet-bag too conspicuous while
you remain in the chateau of my knightly brother, Cap-
* " Carpet-baggers " is one of the aflectionate titles given to Northern visitors
by Southern sarcastic journals.
SMOKED GLASS. 175
tain Munchausen. The sunny South," says he hotly,
" has used no carpet-bags herself since the late Vandal
war, and the sight of one in the hands of a Northern
Hessian is an insult to her during the present coolness
between herself and the Rothschilds."
"Oh," said I, calmly, " I understand you now. The
sight of a mudsill carpet-bagger from the Yankee North
is an aggravation to the sunny South, because she her
self has at present nothing whatever to put into a car
pet-bag!"
11 Sir," said Loyola Munchausen, rising to his feet
again that I might not too closely observe the pair of
india-rubbers which he wore as slippers, " you are right.
Your military Vandals may have ha ! ha ! conquered
the sunny South for a time, and rendered it tempora
rily difficult for her to pay the interest upon all her mort
gages ; but she is still too proud to bear the insolence of
carpet-baggers in silence."
Pausing for suitable words whereby to confess my
own iniquity in possessing any baggage, and my deep
sympathy with one of the most sensitive peoples that ever
had a trifling difference with the Rothschilds, I was ab
ruptly startled by a tremendous clangor which seemed to
come from some point over our heads.
" Dear me ! " says I, agitatedly, " is somebody clean
ing a brass kettle on the roof ; or has the cat got a fit
amongst the milk-pans?"
" No, poor Vandal," says Loyola Munchausen, moving
176 HORRIDA BELLA !
haughtily to the nearest window, and swiftly pulling
aside the split coffee-bag which represented its damask
curtains ; l i that is the great bell of the chateau and it
is ringing in honor of the arival of Pendragon Penruthers,
Esquire, of Taikachor Court House, who comes in state
to sue for the hand of our fair sister, Matilda Munchau
sen."
The original great bell of the Munchausen chateau, after
having called the family to dinner for ages, had been freely
melted into cannon during the recent Vandal carnage ; but
its place was now amply supplied by a large tin dish-pan,
in which swung a pewter spoon on a wire; and, as it gave
forth its peal of welcome, and I thrust my head through
the window to behold the pageant, Captain Villiam Browns
intellectual countenance also appeared from a neighboring
casement.
" My fren ," says Villiam, perceptibly trembling, " has
a junk-shop exploded anywhere? What is this horrible
noise which mine ears behold? "
I told him, in hurried accents, that the great bell was
ringing in honor of the Chevalier P. Penruthers, who came
from his own baronial halls at Taikachor Court House to
demand the hand of Lady Matilda Munchausen in marriage ;
and when I noticed what a keen expression of pain usurped
those particular portions of his countenance where he had
cut himself while shaving with the Munchausen family
razor, I remembered that he himself had once cast fond
eyes upon the heiress. Deeply affected by the thought,
SMOKED GLASS. 177
I turned my bit of Smoked Glass to the road below, and
there beheld a stately sight.
Mounted upon a spirited snuff-colored barb, whose knee-
joints had been finely developed by the equestrian sports
of the canal tow-path, was Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire.
Attired in white kid gloves, a green bombazine overcoat,
red flannel inexpressibles, and a unique, tall, square paper
hat, marked " 7 Ibs. BEST JAVA COFFEE," he recalled to
mind all that I have ever read of chivalrous knighthood,
and suggested some of the finest knightly portraitures of
Sir Walter Scott. At the grand gate, a few slats at the
bottom of which had been fractured the night before by the
violent entrance of several pigs into the garden, stood that
mirror of chivalry, Captain Munchausen, neatly wrapped
in his window-curtain.
P. Penruthers wound a shrill blast upon the tin horn
which he carried as a bugle, and I regret to say that my
friend, Villiam, entirely misconstrued the knightly sum
mons.
"Ah!" says Villiam, "that means fresh fish. Got
any porgies ? " cries Villiam, in a pleasing voice.
" Hush ! " says I, greatly mortified, that is not a fish-
horn. He winds his bugle as a summons. Be silent, and
mark what follows." Captain Munchausen raised his right
hand to the woollen stocking on his head, and says he,
" Methinks, by our lady, thou blowest a keen blast, Sir
Knight. Upon what high embassy comest thou to our
ancient chateau ? "
178 A CLOUDY KNIGHT.
Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire, did not dare bow in
return, lest the motion should overthrow his steed, which
was at that moment standing weakly upon three legs, and
trying to scratch himself with the other ; but he waved the
clothes-pole, which he carried as a lance, and says he,
" I come, sire, to lay my hand and heart, not to mention
mortgages, at the feet of the Lady Matilda Munchausen ;
and to offer knightly gauge to any losel knight who would
say me nay. Give her to me, sire, that my home in the
Almshouse may be lonely no more."
" Sir Knight," responded Captain Munchausen, with
emotion, " I know you for a member of an old and heavily
mortgaged race. Let us break bread together before en
tering my halls. "What, ho, seneschal ! "
Here the aged colored seneschal of the chateau made
his appearance, bearing a fresh hoe-cake on a dust-pan,
and of this the two knights ate in token of amity. At
the conclusion of the ceremonial, Captain Munchausen
motioned for his noble guest to descend from his fiery
charger, and leave the latter leaning up against the fence ;
and says he,
* By my halidome, Sir Knight, you will find our ancient
grass-plot occupied by a horde of military Vandals from
the plebeian North, who are sent to reconstruct us ; and
the chateau is also defiled by the presence of two Yankee
scorpions, who must also be endured for a time."
Mr. Penruthers scowled fiercely, and says he, Do they
bring any capital with them, sire? "
SMOKED GLASS. 179
" One of them, at least, has a carpet-bag," returned
Captain Munchausen, gloomily.
P. Penruthers laughed a low, blood-curdling laugh, and
he hissed through his set teeth,
1 i Then I may once more know what it is to wear a
clean collar. Let us within."
As they passed in under the massive doorway, which
would have been severely Gothic but for the three or four
emaciated hens roosting on top of it, I turned to Yilliam,
and says I,
"Well, my fellow-scorpion, what think you now of the
manners and customs of the superior race ? "
Villiam thoughtfully brushed away an excited hen,
which was striving to alight upon his head, under the
impression that his hair was something to eat, and says
he,-
" My fren , if Matilda Munchausen leads that nobleman
to the altar, she ll find him the heaviest mortgage you
ever heard of." After which malignant expression of dis
appointed affection, Villiam passionately withdrew from
public notice, and resumed his toilet before the bottom
of a tin pail which had been placed in his apartment as a
mirror.
In about half an hour thereafter, the great bell of
the chateau, which had been removed downstairs, rang
hideously for dinner; and my friend and I repaired at
once to the salle a manger, where we were introduced as
Vandals to the knight from Taikachor Court House.
180 FARE HITS.
Then, having taken seats on the inverted peach-baskets
around the sumptuous table, and noticed that the missing
leg of the latter had been replaced temporarily by an um
brella, we proceeded to discuss all the latest delicacies of
the markets. Pendragon Penruthers, Esq., passed a tin
plate marked " U. S." to Villiam, and says he,
" Sir Vandal, permit me to help thee to some hoecake !
and would, by r lady, it might poison thee ! " And, sim
ultaneously, he leaned across the groaning board, and took
off my friend s clean collar.
"Hum!" says Villiam, throwing at him a cracker
marked " U. S." ; "if you do that again, my fren , I
shall feel obliged to impeach you in the eye."
" Oh ! " says Matilda Munchausen, sticking a fork into
me, i how disgusting it is to have Northern reptiles a-t the
same table with one ! "
At this crisis, Loyola Munchausen made a pass at Vil
liam with the wash-hand basin, which served as a bread-
tray, and says he,
" If you can t conduct yourself properly at our wassail-
board, Sir Vandal, it will be my painful duty, as a Pro
visional Governor, to fine you a couple of dollars."
" Ah ! " says Villiam, cracking him on the head with
the toasting-fork, " we don t wish to alienate the Southern
Union element ; but if you try to pour anything out of
that teapot upon me, my fren , I ll call in my forces."
Here a lamentable outcry came through the windows
from the direction of the grass-plot, and says I,
SMOKED GLASS. 181
"What means this?"
"It means, Sir Yankee/ says Captain Munchausen,
1 i that I have caused my seneschal to pour some scalding
water from the ramparts upon your Vandals out there, in
punishment for their having dared to look at our guest like
conquerors."
Merely pausing long enough to hurl at him one of the
halves of dice-boxes which served us as napkin-rings,
Yilliam flew from the feast to look after his scalded
Mackerels ; and I immediately followed him, with one of
Matilda Munchausen s potatoes plastered against the back
of my head.
My friend was condoling with one of our scorched
military Vandals on the lawn, when I reached him, and
says I,
" Are you going back again, Villiam? "
He shook his head sadly, and says he,
"No, my fren . It s dangerous for Northern Capital
to dine with so many mortgages. Let us wait and take
our dinner with the seneschal."
Yours, in waiting.
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
16
LETTER XV.
CITING AN INCIDENT OF THE SOUTHERN POSTAL SERVICE J INTERPOLATING
AN IMPEACHMENT NOTE FROM WASHINGTON, AND A VAGUE WORDS-
WORTHIAN PARODY; AND "CONSERVATIVELY" TOUCHING UPON THE
PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION OF THE LAST MACKEREL GENERAL BY A
CLASSICAL CONVENTION.
CHIPMUNK COCBT HOUSE, May 28, 1868.
DURING the late violent proceedings of the United States
of America against the well, known Southern Confederacy,
our shameless military Vandals applied the torch of the
incendiary to all the fine wooden public buildings of Chip
munk Court House ; and I regret to say, my boy, I
mourn to observe, that they attempted to justify this
wanton act, upon the ground that a venerable female Con
federacy had indignantly protruded her spectacles from a
second-story window while the troops were passing, and
hurled a hot rice-pudding at the principal brigadier.
Taking advantage of the temporary demoralization pro
duced in the ranks by this dreadful episode, she had also
opened a scathing fire of saucepans and flat-irons upon the
general army, which so excited the head of the garrison
that he at once scraped the pudding out of his whiskers,
removed the pudding-dish from his head, and ordered a
speedy ignition of the Slave Pen, the Whipping-post and
182
SMOKED GLASS. 183
other public edifices. Owing to the fact that the local
Fire Department was quite intoxicated at the time, and
was advised by his physician to bandage his head with a
wet towel before trying to remember where he had left his
watering-pot, the flames spread fiercely to the post-office.
and destroyed the latter before a single lottery-circular
could be got out. Consequently, the present post-office
consists of a former apple-stand with a green cotton um
brella spread over it; and thither I repaired from the
chateau of the Munchausens, at an early hour this morn
ing, to ask for my mail.
Donning the bottoms of two cologne- water bottles con
nected by a wire, which served him as spectacles, the aged
postmaster searched the blue worsted stocking, which he
used as a mail-bag, and says he,
" 7 Pears to me I did have a letter to your address ; but
I don t seem to remember where it is. I haven t shaved
lately," says he, meditatively, "I haven t shaved lately;
so I couldn t have used it in that way ; and we haven t lit
a fire recently; so it can t have been burnt. h h,"
says he, suddenly brightening up, "I remember now. I
let my wife have it last night, to take off the stove-lids
with ; just wait a minute, until I step to the house and look
in the coal-scuttle."
Requesting me to mind the worsted stocking while he
was gone, and see that no one rifled the mail, the venerable
postal official placed upon his head the scooped rind of a
watermelon, serving as his hat, and retired to the large
184 THE CURL OF DISDAIN.
sugar-hogshead which he used as a family villa. Pres
ently, emerging from thence, with a gratified smile upon
his countenance, he briskly handed me what I at first
took for a crumpled piece of leather, but quickly found to
be an envelope, scorched almost to a cinder.
"Upon my word," says I, dispiritedly, " this is a nice-
looking letter to get from a friend. It may not have been
inspired by thoughts that breathe ; but it looks as though
it certainly contained i words that burn." 1
The postmaster came flying out at me with a billet of
firewood in his hand, and, says he, "See here, young
man, if you re going to talk sarcastically about the postal
branch of the government, I shall have to chastise you
for disloyalty. I ve tried to make this matter pleasant
to you," says he, parentally. " I ve tried to get along
with you without using passionate language; but you don t
seem to know what gratitude means. White paper is very
dear just now at the South," says he, explainingly; "and
every day, when our oldest families around here want
something to wrap a pound of butter in, or to put in the
bottom of a cake-pan, or to paste over a broken window,
they send to me, and I let them have the letters directed
here to men from the Vandal North. Only yesterday,"
says he, with an injured look, "one of our first ladies
came to me for some waste-paper to do up her curls with,
and, instead of handing her your letter, I gave her a de
spatch directed to a military Yankee scorpion named Villifon
Brown, Eskevire."
SMOKED GLASS. 185
"What!" says I, hotly. "Do you dare to violate pri
vate correspondence in this free country?"
He smiled a horrible smile, and says he,
"Your own Congress, young man, has just decided that
an official of the United States of America has a right to
do as he pleases with all private correspondence whatso
ever; and I shall look into the next letter that comes here
for you, to see what you do with all your money. And
now," says he, passionately, making a pass at me with the
billet of firewood, "if you don t go away, and stop disturb
ing the business of this office, Til commit you for contempt
of court."
I remembered, then, that our able and investigating
Congress had, indeed, asserted the right to examine every
body s private telegraphic despatches, for the purpose of
obtaining accurate information as to the family-matters of
those members of their theatrical company who, at the last
moment, had seceded from Impeachment upon the plea
that it was an immoral drama. I realized how umpleasant
it must be for some private gentlemen who had telegraphed
a profane response to his mother-in-law s seventy-fifth un-
prepaid lightning request that he would be sure and be
careful about her daughter s cold, to have his despatch
publicly discussed in legislative halls as having some
probable occult bearing upon Impeachment ; and I wished
that Congress Hadn t! " *
*Mr. Butlgr s Congressional Committee for the investigation of supposed
Senatorial corruption in the matter of Impeachment, had claimed the right to
seize and use any private telegrams supposably bearing thereon.
1C*
186 WEED DON T LIKE IT.
Thoughtfully rubbing my head in the place where I
had been struck by the billet of firewood, I retreated
with great humility to my apartment in the chateau, and
there succeeded in extricating my scorched missive from the
ashes of its envelope. It was from the Conservative Ken
tucky Chap, at the Capital, and read thus : l Kentucky
has enjoyed herself very much to-day, and will be grossly
inebriated this evening. The great Transformation Scene,
with which the drama concludes, failed, finally, to work.
Don t write or telegraph to any of your female acquaint
ances for a week; or all your letters and telegrams will
be read aloud in Congress, and published in every one of
the excellent morning journals, as having aided to corrupt
Fessenden and Grimes. Don t send any money to your
mother-in-law by mail for a week, or it will be taken out
to pay for Impeachment. Weed the nobs and bone the
swag."
When a country has become so demoralized, my boy,
that a chap of good family and elegant language, like my
self, can be familiarly addressed in that way, just as though
he were a President and entitled to no respect, it is high
time for some sort of change. Not washing to conceal
anything from those members of Congress who have a right
to know all about the letters we receive, I may as well
observe that " Weed the nobs and bone the swag" means,
literally, " Equivocate, like any commercial advertiser,
with the nabobs around you, and get them to bet with
you." Such counsel I treat with contempt ; and, as I am
SMOKED GLASS. 187
a happy and unmarried man, I have, of course, no mother-
in-law to support. As for my letters to female acquaint
ances, I never penned one that I would not be perfectly
willing to have incorporated with the Congressional Im
peachment Report; and such ladies as have recently
written to me for subscriptions to the " Old Women s
Home," or " Lady s Club," are cheerfully referred to that
Report for rescripts of such replies as they may otherwise
fail to receive.
So, after two postponements and three trials, the Great
Transformation Scene has finally failed to work ! Seven
machinists, at the very last moment, become convinced
that the drama is immoral, and refuse to co-operate ! Just
before the first postponement I saw one of them.
a simple soul,
That lightly draws its pay,
And mileage earns with every limb,
What should it vote but " Nay " ?
I met a little Senate-man ;
He would not be sold, he said ;
The air was thick with many a curse
That clustered round his head.
He had a Western, prairie air,
And he was wildly clad ;
His wink relieved my stony stare ;
It really made me glad.
" Votes for aquittal, Senate-man,
How many may you bo ? "
"How many ? Seven in all," he said,
And wondering looked at mo.
188 SCRUPLES AND DRAMS.
" And where are they ? I pray you tell."
He answered, " Seven are we ;
And some of us to Westward dwell,
And one in Tennessee.
" Two of us farther Eastward lie,
In politics twin-brothers ;
And for a mess of pottage, I
Would vote with them and others."
" You say that some to Westward dwell,
And one in Tennessee,
Yet ye are seven ? I pray you tell,
Good man, how this may be."
Then did the Senate-man reply,
"Seven clearing votes are we;
Two of us from the East and West,
And one from Tennessee."
" You turn about, my Senate-man,
Your words my reason rive;
If two are from the loyal States,
Then ye are only five."
" Their votes are green, as will be seen,"
The Senate-man replied,
" The board of Chase is their dining-plaoe,
And they are side by side.
" My eyebrows there I often knit,
My scruples there I Hem!
And there upon a chair I sit,
I sit and talk to them.
" And often after sunset, sir,
When it is light and fair,
I take my little conscience, too,
And have it settled there.
SMOKED GLASS. 189
" The first that caved was Fessenden,
Who raised a moaning lay,
Till he released him of his pain
By speaking half a day.
" So for Acquittal it was said
His vote was high and dry,
Together round that vote we played,
My brother Grimes and I.
" And when the ground was safe, you know,
And we could backward slide,
Fowler and I felt forced to go,
And there Lie by his side."
" How many are you, then," said I,
" If two should fail you, even ? "
The Senate-man did yet reply,
" Mister ! we are seven."
" But they have said, those two have said,
Their votes would not be given ? "
Twas throwing words way : for still
The Senate-man would have his will,
And said, " Nay, we are seven ! " *
Wordsworth ? Alas ! what are words worth to express
one s anguish at the failure of that Great Transformation
Scene ? Where is the Ben Wade who was to have appeared
transfigured in that scene, elevated to the head of a
* The " seven " Republican senators voting " Not Guilty " were : Fessenden, of
Maine ; Fowler, of Tennessee ; Grimes, of Iowa ; Henderson, of Missouri ; Ross,
of Kansas ; Trumbull, of Illinois ; and Van Winkle, of Western Virginia. Public
scandal absurdly accused Chief Justice Chase of swaying two or three votes,
during the trial, by the fascinations of his dinner-table; and up to the last mo
ment, Ross and two others were regarded as pledged to Impeachment. Ed.
190 BASQUERADE.
redeemed nation, rising like a John Phoenix from his ashes !
Were I a Whittier person, I should remark of the Presi
dency : Of all the sad words of tongue, or pen, the sad
dest are these It might have Ben. But, as it is, I can
but sing: Wade down upon the Swanee river, far, far
away.
Believing that the above remarks are sufficiently in the
school of that ecstatic morning journal, the New York
" Times," to render it utterly impossible for the most acute
intellect to infer from them anything detrimental to my
future political interests, no matter which side may finally
win, I hasten back to the commencement of the present
week and the fine old Southern family of Munchausen.
At the breakfast-table, on Tuesday morning, Captain
Munchausen paused a moment over his hoe-cake, and
says he,
"In honor of our guest, the suitor for our sister s hand,
the Chevalier Pendragon Penruthers, I propose that eft-
soons we proceed in knightly pageant to that haunt of
losel Yankees, where a convention of black-and-tan eman
cipated terriers will this day nominate a military Vandal
for next President of our ha ! ha ! common country."
Penruthers was looking quite gallantly in a black silk
basque, lent him by his affianced, a pair of red flannel
inexpressibles, and a pair of white kid gloves; and says
he,-
" Now, by my halidome, I would not miss the sight, an 7
SMOKED GLASS. 191
it were even more base-born. Pass me the hoe-cake, thou
Yankee varlet."
" Grammercy," says Captain Villiam Brown, after the
manner of an ancient nobleman ; * an thou speak to me
again in that way, my fren , I ll crack thy costard."
"Pax vobiscum, gentle sirs," quoth Loyola Munchau-
sen. " Let us not quarrel with these Northern churls."
Matilda Munchausen tossed her head so that two hair
pins fell into my tin plate, and says she,
" Qh, that some knight would do a feat of derring-do
upon these losel wights, ere they should sit at wassail
board with us at all ! "
"Matilda! Matilda !" expostulated Captain Munchau
sen, gloomily, i eat your hoe-cake in silence. It ill becomes
pur superior race to make our sufferings audible to churl
ish ears."
Thus in knightly conversation passed the meal, at the
conclusion of which the snuff-colored Hambletonian of P.
Penruthers, Esquire, was hitched with trunk straps to the
family carriage, marked "U. S. Ambulance;" and we all
rode merrily to the building in which the Convention was
being held. Owing to the high price of brown stone and
white marble, just now, in the sunny South, this imposing
edifice had been rapidly constructed of fence-rails and con
demned horse blankets. Its order of architecture was what
might be technically termed the no-Capital Corinthian;
and over the entrance waved a national flag which gave
evidence of having been economically fabricated from a
192 MISSISSIPPI AFRICANUS.
torn sheet, a red flannel shirt, and a pair of blue overalls.
Soap-boxes had been placed on end in the interior for the
accommodation of delegates and visitors ; and upon these
we seated ourselves just as the Chaplain arose to preface
the vote with a devout petition.
The good man prayed that all persons there assembled,
whatever their hue and cry, might be brought to vote as
they had been told to, and to give up all their bad habits
and
Here the Hon. GEORGE WASHINGTON arose to a point
of privilege ; but was taken down again.
The Chaplain went on to express the hope that these
delegates, and all other delegates whatsoever, might be
taught to distrust their own wisdom, and to cease that
excessive drinking which
Hon. TIBERIUS C^SAR here moved the previous ques
tion, and was at once obliged to move it back again.
Instead of proceeding with his devotions, the Chaplain
now complained that the Hon. CAIUS GRACCHUS was
"making eyes at him. 7 Even as he spoke, a putty-ball,
thrown by the Hon. NUMA POMPILLIUS, smote him on the
nose ; whereupon he descended from his soap-box in great
agitation and promptly engaged the latter delegate in sin
gle combat.
These preliminaries being settled, it was then proposed
that the Last General of the Mackeral Brigade be nomi
nated by acclamation, and that a Platform be built for
him. Both of which propositions were successful.
SMOKEI> GLASS. 193
Yes, sir, both were enthusiastically indorsed ; and if you
expect me to say any more on the subject just now, you
arc doomed to disappointment. Throughout this whole
letter I have displayed great political ability, and marvel
lous purity of motive, in endeavoring to walk on both sides
of the way at once. To say another word about the above
enthusiastic nomination on this occasion, would be to com
mit myself one way or the other ; and I must peremptorily
decline so doing. A splendid-looking, gloriously gifted,
pure-minded young man is dependent upon me for support,
and I must not risk his interests by too hastily taking
sides. He, himself, richly deserves to be President, and
his name is
Entre nous,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
17
LETTER XVI.
SHOWING HOW A DISLOYAL TELEGRAPH DID PERVERT AND MISPUNCTUATE
THE MACKEREL GENERAL S "LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE; AND SPIRITEDLY
DEPICTING THE GREAT MUNCHAUSJSN HUNT AND ITS LAMENTABLE
ENDING.
CHIPMUNK COURT HOUSE, .Tune 4, 18(58.
IN consequence of a temporary financial misunderstand
ing, superinduced by the not remote military outrages of
Federal Vandals upon a knightly people, and still prevail
ing with great fervor in this sunny clime, the telegraphic
facilities here lack that complete typographical finish
which is observable in the higher electric circles of wealthy
monetary centres. The " First National Bullion. Bank"
of this place, in the temporary dearth of gold, has a
reserved Specie Fund of some two grosses of brass buttons ;
which have coated at a fabulous premium ever since the
spring month known in Southern almanacs as Sherman s
MARCH, and still fluctuate wildly as news of Congressional
proceedings indicate that the high-strung nobility of this
section are, or are not, to wear cotton dressing-gowns for
ever. In order, then, to obtain prompt intelligence from
our distracted National Capital, and so regulate its rates
in accordance with the variations of the Impeachment
pageant, the "First National Bullion Bank" recently
encouraged the formation of a joint-stock company for the
194
SMOKED GLASS. 195
construction of a telegraph to the nearest station. Ten
capitalists in dressing-gowns at once responded with vener
able garden-rakes, which were ably erected along the road
sides at proper intervals, as the poles of the new enter
prise ; other daring speculators contributed numerous yards
of old bell-wire, which was pieced out with sections of
hoopskirt-springs and laid carefully across the tops of the
rakes, and a battery, composed of two pickle-bottles, an
oyster-can, two bent stair-rods and half a pound of blue
vitriol, was placed in the hen-house selected as the office
of the company.
It is a slight drawback to the pleasures of familiar in
tercourse with this bloated monopoly that its President re
serves the right to read and make literary improvements
in all despatches addressed to Northern men ; and that he
is very apt to send his love at the bottoms of your tele
grams to female acquaintances j but the enterprise will yet
be self-sustaining, if a wholesome check can be placed upon
those members of the freed-negro race who have a present
habit of stealing the rakes at night ; and with the comple
tion of Reconstruction we shall witness the establishment
of an efficient police, to prevent the roosting of fowls along
the line.
We have found such cool knights down here, that Cap
tain Villiam Brown has taken cold, and is obliged to keep
constantly with him an oblong tin medicine-chest, con
taining the cough-syrup known to the poets as " red eye."
While he and I were allaying our pulmonary injuries with
196 TELL LIE GRAPHICALLY.
this night-blooming balsam, in my chamber at the Mun-
chausen chateau, on Wednesday, a messenger burst furi
ously in upon us with a telegraphic despatch ; which, on
examination, I found to be the Response of the Last General
of the Mackerel Brigade to his nomination for President
of the United States in 1869.
" Huzza, my Chief-of-Garrison ! " says I, patriotically ;
"just listen to this able document." Whereupon I took
out my piece of Smoked Glass to save my eyes from over-
dazzling and read from the bottom of a bandbox, on
which the Telegraph Company had inscribed it, the fol
lowing
LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE.
"If elected to the office of President of the United
States, it will be my end ever to aid many steer all the laws.
In good faith, to live with economy and with the view
of having peace, quiet, and protection anywhere in times
like the present, it is impossible, or at least eminently im
proper, to lay down. A policy to be adhered to, right or
wrong, through an administration of four years.
u New political issues are constantly arising the view
of the public on ; Old Ones are constantly changing, and
a public Administrator should always be sleep-free to exe
cute the wills of the people. I have always respected that
(will, and always shall!) peace and, in reversal, poster
ity. Its sequence, with economy of Administration, will
lighten the burden.
SMOKED GLASS. 197
"Of taxation, while it constantly induces the national
death, let us have a piece.
"(Blue Seal.) GENERAL MACKEREL BRIGADE."
"Ah <" says Villiam, wildly clawing the air, like one
in great vertigo.
My own brain was spinning in a revolutionary manner;
but I strove to be calm, and says I,
"It appears to me, Villiam, that this great document is
worthy of Carlyle. As I understand it, the writer simply
pledges himself not to lay down; and seems to imagine
that it is a chief part of a President s duty to administer
upon wills."
"My fren ," says Villiam, cautiously taking the bottom
of the bandbox, to read therefrom for himself, "if some of
this here able essay hasn t been lost on the way, through
being drawn off by chickens roosting on the wires, it s my
opinion that this is the most peaceful and non-committal
epistle that ever exploded on the naked ear."
After which remark Villiam and I conversed in whis
pers upon the great metaphysical subject, until an accurate
Republican morning journal reached us from the North,
and we found therein the following
CORRECT VERSION.*
"If elected to the office of President of the United
* It seemed too bad to pervert General Grant s frank and soldierly Letter, but
the temptation was irresistible.
17*
198 FLAY-GRANT ERRORS.
States, it will be my endeavor to administer all the laws
in good faith, with economy, and with the view of giving
peace, quiet, and protection everywhere. In times like
the present it is impossible, or at least eminently improper,
to lay down a policy to be adhered to, right or wrong,
through an administration of four years. New political
issues, not foreseen, are constantly arising ; the views of
the public on old ones are constantly changing, and a
purely administrative officer should always be left free to
execute the will of the people. I always have respected
that will, and always shall. Peace and universal prosper
ity its sequence with economy of administration, will
lighten the burden of taxation, while it constantly reduces
the national debt. Let us have peace."
I looked at Villiam questioningly, and says I,
" In the present depressed state of affairs, my Mars
own child, the Southern telegraph would appear to be
eccentric in punctuation, and disloyal in typography. Al
low me to taste a little more of your cough-syrup."
II No, my fren ," says Villiam, hastily putting aside his
medicine-chest. l After such rebel trifling with my feel
ings, the red eye of bottle is shut in despair.
We might have discussed the question further, but for
an extraordinary noise coming up from below our window,
outside, causing us to look hastily forth from the casement.
And there, in the court-yard of the chateau, with his head
thrown slightly back, his right knee thrown a trifle for-
SMOKED GLASS. 199
ward, to support his instrument, and his corresponding
hand laboriously turning the crank, was a scion of one of
the First Families that ever saw better days. His coat
was the waist of a calico frock, which had not been war
ranted to wash ; his inexpressibles were the former sleeves
of another frock ; his hand-organ was a coffee-mill inclosed
in a candle-box ; and attached to a string, grasped by his
left hand, was a small black child to represent a monkey.
" Behold," says I to Yilliam, " how greatly reduced in
circumstances are this once opulent and chivalrous people,
when one of them is thus compelled to organize for a
living."
"Ah!" says Villiam, sceptically, "I saw a more re
duced objeck than he, yesterday, my fren . It was a New
York pickpocket," says Villiam, confidentially, " who had
come down here on speculation; and in twenty-seven
Southern wallets which had once, my fren , been used as
infants shoes he had found only four buttons and a seid-
litz powder. He took the latter," says Villiam, gloomily.
Ay, my countrymen, the man was dead-broke.
Dead-broke, Mr. President. Dead-broke, my Senators
and Congressmen. Dead-broke, Right Reverends and
wrong Reverends of every order. Dead-broke, men and
women, born with heavenly compassion in your hearts.
And prying thus around us every day !
But, alas ! even while the despairing poor are endeavor
ing to smother their misery with the deadly seidlitz pow
der, the aristocratic and gay go on with their giddy sports,
200 A NORSE IDYL.
as though the world knew no keener sorrow than the soil
ing of a white waistcoat. From our meditation upon the
woes of others, my friend and I were called forth to- the
field by the aged colored seneschal of the chateau, to
join a brilliant cavalcade of lords and ladies in the Mun-
chausen Hunt.
This regular Southern Spring Meeting took particular
eclat from the rumor that a fox had escaped from a mena
gerie, recently travelling through the place on its road to
bankruptcy ; and as the animal must have been at large on
the surrounding estates for nearly a week, and could not
live upon mortgages, it was argued that his near approach
to death by starvation would render it nearly possibly for
the thoroughbred hunters and hounds of the Munchausens
to keep up with him.
At any rate, upon arriving at the site of an ancient
cabbage-patch, we found the assembled party in great
spirits. Sir Pendragon Penruthers, mounted gallantly
upon his own snuff-colored blooded racer, cut quite a figure
in his black silk basque; and as Villiam had recovered his
clean collar from him, in the course of a single combat near
the refrigerator on the preceding evening, he now appeared
in a standing-collar, cravat, and pair of gloves, done in
white paint. Captain Munchausen, in his dressing-gown,
occupied a thoroughbred mare, which I took to be a cross
between a Hambletonian and a skeleton-wagon, the springs
and axles being clearly defined under the sagacious ani
mal s glossy coat. Loyola Munchausen, in his surtout of
SMOKED GLASS. 201
patent-striped Water- Proof Awning, hat made of half a
boot-leg, and top-boots manufactured from sections of stove
pipe, bestrode a prancing bay, which was shaped not unlike
a narrow kitchen-table with the leaves down and a pig s
head on one end. Matilda Munchausen appeared upon a
sorrel palfrey, whose marked fluted developments on either
side seemed to indicate that the spirited creature might be
opened and shut like an accordion. Matilda wore a riding-
skirt of organdy, supposing organdy to be extensively
used this season to imitate one bombazine petticoat sewed
to the bottom of another, and her jaunty jocky-cap of
muskmelon rind, and honiton veil of mosquito-netting, re
minded me of Sir Walter Scott s Diana Vernon. The
two stately gray pacers assigned to Villiam and myself
had rather too much trestle-work about them to be comfort
able as steeds, however well suited they might have seemed
to civil engineers as studies for suspension bridges ; but, as
they exactly resembled the other hunters in having the
trade-marks " U. S." on their flanks, I could not doubt
that they came of the same fiery breed. The Munchausen
Huntsman, who was a member of the freed-negro race,
stood just beyond us, poker in hand, to restrain the energy
of the panting hounds, a majority of which must have
looked well when trotting under their native butcher-carts,
but now wore a melancholy air of having decided in their
own minds that such a thing as a butcher must have been
merely a feverish dream of the past. In fact, the whole
scene was more English than American; and when the
202 SEEING THE POINT.
pack was set loose in full cry, fires of chips kindled unuer
all our hunters by the seneschal to make them start, and
the shout of " Tally-ho!" sounded by P. Penruthers,
saluted my ears, I felt like a British nobleman.
Away we flew like the wind, supposing the wind to
zigzag and come down upon its knees, occasionally, by
reason of a little touch of spavin. Tally-ho ! Tally-ho !
and along we hopped in frantic chase; only now and then
stumbling over such of the dogs as had suddenly paused in
mid-career to take nervous nips along their backbones.
Tally-ho ! Tally-ho ! and wildly we scudded over the Hamp
ton plantation, leaping mortgages after mortgages, and
dauntlessly putting our good steeds at the very deepest
sheriff s levies. Just after running against a haystack,
Pendragon Penruthers allowed Villiam and myself to come
alongside; and says he,
"By r lady, and I win not the brush this day, call me
losel Yankee churl ! "
"Pardie!" panted Villiam, from half-way up the neck
of his charge.r, u an thou reflect upon me again, my fren ,
I ll whack thy halidome."
Tally-ho-ahoe ! and we could see the hounds all tan
gled together in a standing snarl, the older ones making
a dead "point " at something in the grass. But we found
the latter to be only a dried bone which had been dropped
there in olden times by our military Vandals; and on we
all flew again, with the first mortgage on the Peyton estate
just in sight.
SMOKED GLASS. 203
Tally-ho! Tally-ho! Captain Munchausen s dressing-
gown standing out from his waist like some monster ruf
fle, Loyola s Water-Proof Awning fluttering high behind
his shoulders after the manner of dragon s wings, P. Pen-
ruther s black silk basque catching the wind in the likeness
of a complicate^ balloon, and Matilda s long skirt giv
ing her the aspect of a giant umbrella tied to a flying
mastodon.
At the very height of this awful excitement, and while
I was anxiously scanning the fields ahead through my piece
of Smoked Glass, a yellow animal suddenly started out
from the bushes just beyond the hounds, and, after tapping
one of the latter slightly upon the nose, scudded frantically
away toward an adjacent chateau, with tail erect and greatly
magnified.
Simultaneously, the maddening "view-halloo!" was
given by somebody, and in two more seconds Villiam and
I, crying " Yoicks-yoicks ! " had thrown ourselves from our
foundered hunters under the very walls of the chateau.
The fox had entered an opening in the stone foundation of
the edifice, and passed under the ancient building; and
around the hole sat all the dogs on their hams, in magis
terial semicircle, with their tongues hanging waggishly
out of their mouths.
Feverishly eager to secure poor Reynard s brush before
the others could arrive, Captain Villiam Brown promptly
knelt before the hole, and, peering therein, beheld two
luminous green glass balls, of the size of the marbles of his
204 CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE CHASE.
childhood. Then, thrusting his right arm far in under the
chateau, a sound was heard as of an irascible elderly gen
tleman spitting from a casement, and my friend changed
countenance and hastily drew out his arm again.
"Ah!" says Yilliam, excitedly, "as sure as you live,
my fren , the fox has gone and scratched me."
In the moment, and while yet he was unguardedly stoop
ing almost double, a window right at my nose flew open
like magic, an aged unmarried sister-in-law of the late
Southern Confederacy appeared thereat, armed with a huge
butter-paddle, and passionately used the latter to inflict an
ear-splitting spank upon the absorbed fox-hunter.
Overcome by feelings too intense to be expressed in print,
the nearly murdered Federal officer leaped high into the
atmosphere, and came down upon a dog that was making
his toilet.
"Ah!" says Villiam, rubbing himself, "what made you
do that to me, Miss Southerland? "
The venerable maiden made a pass at me, also, with the
still quivering butter-paddle; and says she,
"If I catch you chasing after my innocent cat in that
way again, young man, I ll hurt you wuss n that!"
Here the other members of the hunt came tottering up
to the chateau, to apologize to Miss Southerland for our
ill-bred Yankee mistake; and, as the sight of two distant
Northerners, in straw hats, had rendered our horses too
restive for mouthfuls of the latter to make further hard
SMOKED GLASS. 205
riding safe, it was agreed that we should all return home
forthwith.
It being evident that the sufferings of the wounded Fed
eral officer would be increased by additional saddle-exercise,
he preferred to walk, and I with him; nor could I disguise
my admiration at the manner in which this heroic young
man drew a useful moral from his late disaster.
"My fren ," says he, limping slightly, "more than once
has he who would catch the Fox with one tail, come nearer
catching the Cat of nine tails."
Yours, credulously,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
18
LETTER XVII.
ILLUSTRATING THE TREMENDOUS EXTRANEOUS INFLUENCE OF LARGE-SIZED
NAMES; AND DESCRIBING THE MOST PASSIONATE AND CONTEMPTUOUS
LOVE-SCENE EVER BEHELD IN FASHIONABLE SOUTHERN SOCIETY BY A
YANKEE VARLET.
CHIPMUNK COUKT HOUSE, June 12, 1868.
A NOSE by any other name would smell as sweet, my
boy, which may account for the occasional use of the
term "bugle" in that connection; but who can doubt
that the proper name of a man may sometimes give him a
popular sweetness quite beyond the attainment of mere vir
tue or genius ? Why is it that we so instinctively realize
our own insignificance, and feel crushed with a vague and
awful reverence, when confronted with such names as Para
celsus, Cagliostro, and Theodore Tilton? Then, again,
how is it that, by writing out all the names they have, on
every possible occasion, some men may attain an inex
pressible eminence, which had never been so amply ac
corded to their mere patronymics alone ? Look at Ralph
Waldo Emerson, James Russell Lowell, Oliver Wendell
Holmes, and Martin Farquhar Tupper. There is some
thing LARGE SIZED about names in this style ; something
swelling and tremendous ; and they virtually make a pass
at you with a big club, and say : " There is much in the
very sound of us that is more high-toned than language
206
SMOKED GLASS. 207
can express, and if you will now prostrate yourself in the
dust before us, without further confusion, we will sit down
upon you for a while on this pleasant summer day." You
say to yourself that you have your best clothes on, that
the dust is disagreeable, and that your feeble intellect fails
to discover any reason just now why you should be so
crushed ; but down you go, and are sat upon.
Reconnoitring the political field, after the manner of a
practical philosopher, and realizing that Ulysses is the
first name of one Presidential aspirant, and Pendleton the
family-name of another, I am at once overpowered with in
timidating classical memories of the amazing single combat
with bully Ajax for the armor of Achilles, and almost
suffocated with depressing premonitions of immense shirt-
collar, gold-headed cane, and other pharaphernalia of deep-
voiced Respectability. In the mere sound of Ulysses I
hear the assertion: " There are several collegiate Greek
reasons why I should take a little walk over you for my
health, whether you can find any English reasons for the
same or not." And in the sonorous roll of Pendleton I
recognize the sentence : "If you come of good family,
young man, and have a letter of recommendation from
your father, you may tell your friends that I have noticed
you."
When, upon a late occasion, I took up a copy of the
" Daily Mortgage," a loyal journal,published here every
morning on bits of old muslin, and remarked the popu
lar enthusiasm with which the Presidential nomination of
208 LETTERATURE.
Ulysses, last General of the Mackerel Brigade, has been
received, I could not help feeling that a crushing name is
half the battle. In one column I found a letter to the
name from an influential gentleman in South Carolina,
who wrote: "All hail, sir! I take this opportunity to
pledge the State of New Hampshire for a majority of at
least fifteen thousand votes in your favor ; and if you could
make it convenient to lend about three dollars and a half
to a man who has always respected you, the prompt remit
tance of that amount to my address would greatly oblige
me." Another gentleman of high position, at Mugby Six-
Forks, Florida, writes : " The Empire State of New York
will respond to your nomination in a tone of thunder ; and
should you see fit to notice the enclosed card of the Mugby
State Lottery, the immediate mailing of one dollar will
entitle you to a large farm in Alaska, less our commis
sions." A venerable leader of society in Bowieville,
Arkansas, says: " Greetings, illustrious Soldier! Next
November will find the good old State of Connecticut
standing shoulder to shoulder with her sister States in the
triumph of your cause ; and by enclosing four shillings to
the address here given you will receive my Advice to
Those About to Marry, by return of mail."
Turning to the editorial page of this same journal,
the editor -of which makes quite a good living and almost
pays the interest of his mortgages by alternately writing
articles in his office and selling ginger-snaps on the trains,
I find a tribute to the other name. "Mr. Pendleton/ 7
SMOKED GLASS. 209
says the editorial, "is a dignified gentleman, of en viable
social Position and refined Antecedents ; nor do the most
elegant annals of distinguished Society present the old
family-name of one taking higher rank in the walks of
unblemished respectability. His position in Circles to
which we all look for models of bigh-bred gentility is un-
assailed by the remotest suspicion of plebeian Extraction ;
while his polished Manners and courtly Address will ever
commend him to the most exclusive Appreciation in this
community, where our well-known fellow-citizen Wade
Hampton Breckenridge, Esq., is now offering a large stock
of ably selected family groceries at prices which few would
credit, and for which he gives no credit himself."
Just sound over these names to yourself, my boy, arid
see how they will make you grovel, whether you want to
or not. Then ask yourself whether a John Jobkins or a
James Podgers could ever attain so much world-wide rev
erence by any great act he might accomplish ? See what
your own noiseless name has done for you ! You think
yourself handsome (poor wretch !), and believe that you
are both Great and Good ; but you have not yet succeeded
in gaining even the respect of your mother-in-law. No,
sir ! no one has any respect for you ; and unless you in
duce the Legislature to change your name to something
like Aurelius Stanhope Jinks, I don t see how you are
going to keep out of the Poor-house this summer.
Why, look at me, here, in this great Southern monetary
centre, being crushed out of all self-respect and self-defence
18*
210 TOO MUCH MIND FOR NO BODY.
by the name of Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire. Tills
knight does not wear such clothes as one would like to see
George Washington dressed in ; yet he has so cowed me
by his mere nominal sound, that I am growing more and
more self-depreciatory in his presence ; and a subtle intui
tion of this fact makes him actually ignore my low Yankee
existence on occasions.
This morning, while I sat quietly upon a butter-firkin,
which had been sawed into an easy-chair, in the drawing-
room of the ancient Munchausen chateau, P. Penruthers
entered, with Matilda Munchausen hanging upon his arm,
and escorted her to a wash-bench, which had been covered
with a rag-carpet to represent a luxurious settee. Then,
drawing over his hands a pair of white cotton socks, which
he had borrowed from Loyola for cour ting-gloves, and dis
playing them in a manner to impress her with his splendors
of costume, he buttoned his silk basque to his neck to make
himself emotionally hoarse, and says he, -
"Miss Munchausen, further concealment of my feelings
were useless ; by r lady, I love
Here I coughed to remind them of my presence ; where
upon he waved one of the socks toward me, in a haughty
manner, and says he,
" You see, fayre lady, that NOBODY is here."
Matilda ate a slate-pencil dipped in vinegar to keep
herself from growing stout, and says she,
"Yes, my Lord, I see that yonder easy-chair is
VACANT."
SMOKED GLASS. 211
The faintly scornful sound of these casual remarks
stung me into a conciousness that I was indeed a No
body, and presented a marked aspect of Vacancy ; but,
even with the misfortunes of my Vandal Northern birth
and noiseless name, I have moments of vague self-re
spect; and, with an air of considerable hauteur, I drew
out my piece of Smoked Glass and proceeded to gaze
thoughtfully through it at the pageant of Love s Young
Dream..
" Matilda," went on Pendragon Penruthers, in a deep
base voice, our Families are equally Old j ancient mort
gages draw us together, and it becomes us to complete
the holy tie. Hessian Vandals from the scorpion North
are buying up our fair domains at about seven dollars per
castle and private park, and I expect, by my halidome !
to realize some thirteen dollars and a quarter for mine
own estate withal. With this amount, I can safely run
in debt for one year, and I ask you, ladie fayre, to help
me therein."
" My heart s Pendragon Penruthers," sighed Matilda,
drawing off a blue worsted mitten and giving him one
of her hands to kiss. : I am but a poor weak maiden,
unaccustomed to public speaking, and have but onethird-
mortgage in mine own right. If that is any inducement,
you might take me ; but first, let me ask, are you a Ritu
alist? "
P. Penruthers smote his forehead with one of his
socks, then seized a hymn-book lying upon a Louis
212 COULDN T STAND AND LIE.
Seize table (flour-barrel covered with drugget) near at
hand, and tore it into thirty-one fragments.
" Matilda," says he, frenziedly, " I cannot tell a lie.
A clergyman living next to me once had one of his cherry-
trees cut down, and I did it with my little hatchet. I am
an infidel, a pagan, and a spiritualist. Let me not hide
such facts from thee, dear one, now that NOBODY is
listening."
She threw up her white arms, and he, expecting a
blow from her, drew hurriedly back and pitched head
long over the sand-box, which (as he chewed) he had
taken care to have near his feet before beginning the
conversation. She had meant nothing, however, but
the most trustful affection; and, as the arrogant knight
slowly picked himself up from the floor and made a
stealthy reach for the poker, the lady of the chateau, by
a sudden movement, caught his head under one of her
arms, and spat a loud kiss upon his forehead.
" And think you, my dearest lord," cried she, " that I
would turn from you on that account? No! You
have said that you cannot tell a lie, and you did it with
your little hatchet. Could a George Washington do
more?"
"Do I remind you of Washington, then ?" asked P.
Penruthers, softly, wriggling his head out of chancery,
and regaining his feet again.
" Very much," she murmured.
An expression of melancholy settled upon his counte-
SMOKED GLASS. 213
nance, and he folded his socks over the breast of his silk
basque.
" Matilda," said he, huskily, " is the interest on your
mortgage all paid up ? "
"Yes, Pendragon."
Again the anguished knight smote his forehead with a
sock, and says he, " How can I tell this trustful being
the whole truth ? How can I reveal to her that my present
home is jn the Almshouse ! "
She darted out her fair hands toward him; and he, an
ticipating a blow after such a revelation, attempted to
withdraw a pace, and tripped heavily over my feet. But
her gesture had meant only a demonstration of augmented
attachment, and, before he could arise from the ground, she
flew at him, took his face between her mittens, and smiled
down at him.
" Pendragon Penruthers," she said, very distinctly,
"just lie where you are, and listen to me. Rather would
I give Matilda s hand, heart, and mortgage to you, a South
erner, though in the Almshouse, than to a Northerner
with the carpet-bag of a Croesus."
His position being unfavorable for any other gesture of
pleasure, Mr. Penruthers kicked ecstatically in the air with
those limbs, on which appeared his red flannel inexpressi
bles, and says he,
"Then, by my halidome, I ask no more. Thou art
mine, Matilda ; and; come weal or woe, we will starve to
gether."
214 HAVING A NAME IN LIFE.
" And allow ine," said I, putting up my Smoked Glass,
" to congratulate you on the spot."
At the disagreeable Northern sound of my voice, the
lady of the chateau permitted the fallen nobleman to reach
a" standing position once more, and he cast a supercilious
glance toward my easy-chair.
" I see NOBODY," says he, contemptuously ; " and yet I
heard a hideous noise."
Matilda tossed her head, and says she, "I heard NO
BODY speak."
" So did I," quoth Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire.
After which they both looked directly at me for five
minutes, in the manner of those who would have their
nearest personal friends understand that they are staring
at vacancy, and then retired from the apartment with great
aristocracy of demeanor.
Had plain John Smith treated me thus, do you think,
my boy, that I would have borne it ? No, sir ! I should
have gone after John on one foot, and attempted, for a
single energetic instant, to climb his backbone with the
other. But a man named Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire,
must, in some way, have a right to exhibit a far greater
immensity of aspect than one who is only
Yours, unassumingly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER XVIII.
CASUALLY EXPLAINING THE UNIQUE LATIN MOTTO OF AN ANCIENT HOUSE;
BUT CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO A BRILLIANT CHIVALRIC TOURNAMENT, AND
SHOWING HOW THE NOBILITY AND GENTRY DEMEANED THEMSELVES ON
THAT KNIGHTLY OCCASION.
Cmi MUNK COUKT HOUSE, June 15, 1868.
IT is only in the South, that our distracted Republic
possesses any of that dignity of ancestry and pride of
castellated outbuildings, which are familiarly described by
those more celebrated American travellers who have been
admitted to the principal kitchens of Europe. Here, as I
sit musing before the grand old chateau of Captain Mun-
chausen, with the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade
encampment upon the lawn beyond me, and at my right,
the Provisional Governor, on a barrel, trying four mem
bers of the freed-negro race for refusing to work for four
dollars and a half a year, as I sit thus surrounded by all
the exciting richness of a land s affecting redemption from
error, methinks I can see far back into the antiquity of this
chivalric people, and hold spiritual converse with the grand
old cavaliers. Methinks I see the celebrated and high-
spirited Duke of Lee, in his rich corduroy mantle and
Vandyke hat with turnpike tickets in the band, guiding
the blooded steeds of his chariotful of early cabbages to
market. Methinks I behold the Earl of Hunter, attired
215
216 LETTER STAMPS.
in the rim of a straw hat and robes slashed with white
under-clothing, bending pensively over the sweet-potato patch
and reckoning the probable profit on his jewelled fingers.
Methinks I observe the brilliant Marquis of Pendleton, in
his plumed helmet of ventilated white beaver and toga of
alpaca, making boots and shoes for the nobility and gentry
of the castles adjoining his own.
Then, as I look up at the patrimonial chateau of Mun-
chausen, with four mortgages upon it, and a Dutch oven
sticking out of the side, I at once feel that there is an un
speakable lowness about everything but hunting, and ex
perience an inordinate desire to be supported by a colored
man.
Taking the arm of Captain Villiam Brown, who had
just been shaving himself with a bit of glass sent to his
room for that purpose, and following the direction of the
aged seneschal who was carrying in the hoe-cake on a
dustpan, I proceeded to the salle a manger, where Captain
Munchausen, Matilda, P. Penruthers, and the Provisional
Governor were awaiting us. Each being pointed to his
proper inverted peach-basket by the master of the revel,
we seated ourselves thereon around the groaning board.
Wishing to promote conversation, I helped myself to
some hard-tack, and said I,
1 i Tell me, my mirror of knighthood, what mean these
letters U. S., which I find imprinted upon the crackers,
the tomato can, the claret cork, upon every eatable on this
wassail board, except the hoe-cake ? "
SMOKED GLASS. 217
Captain Munchausen drew closer around his shoulders
the calico window-curtain which formed his robe de cham-
bre, and says he,
" By Chivalry ! they mean l Unum Semper J or One
Always, which is the Latin motto of my family."
" Ah ! " says Villiam, dreamily, "give us this day our
daily Unum Semper. Do you know, my fren ," says
Villiam, pleasantly, "that all the meals of our Mackerel
beings are Unum Sempers too? "
"Sir Vandal," said Captain Munchausen, "your re
marks must not be tolerated. Will you have a clean
knife and fork?"
"Yes, sarah," says Villiani, majestically, "and another
spoonful of motto, if you please."
" Seneschal," said Captain Munchausen, "go to the
armory and bring some more knives and forks."
" Stop, brother," said the Provisional Governor, observ
ing that our haughty host was making movements as
though to stab Villiam in the back with a butter-knife ;
* this is no time for the South to bluster. Let us rather
stand by our noble President in his conflict with the
scorpions of the North."
" Sir," responded the proud Virginian, "you teach me
m J J oot J- And now what say you? shall we invite
the vipers to our tournamong, that they may witness the
ancient knightly pastime of the superior race whom they
have ha ! ha ! conquered ? "
Here Captain Munchausen laughed horridly ; and would
19
218 TAKING THE CHANGE COOLLY. .
have grown hysterical with scorn had he not suddenly
remembered that his knees, which he had drawn up to the
rim of the wassail-board, were looking forth like a couple
of bald-headed prisoners through the airy interstices of
their respective sable dungeons. Whereupon he arose
quickly to his feet, and says he, " Seneschal, how stands
our ancestral treasury ? "
The aged servitor stopped cleaning the knives, and
says he,
" S help me gad, Mars r, I hab done got only two shill
ings for workin de whole day yerserday for one of dem
Yankees down yar."
A terrible smile trickled over those of Captain Mun-
chausen s features which illuminated his whiskers like
lamps in a forest, and says he,
"Will the Messieurs Vandal be good enough to note
the ha ! ha ! blessing of Freedom to the colored race ?
Will they note how the freedman is able to support him
self ? Two shillings a day! ! Seneschal," said Captain
Munchausen, hastily, "give me the two shillings, then,
and I will to try to get along with them."
The venerable retainer passed the largesse to his lord,
and soon we all started for the field of chivalric adventure,
after the manner of several Ivanhoes.
Now, spirit of Orlando, thou matchless paladin and
sturdy hater of cold water in any application, come to my
aid with as much brass helmet as possible, while I describe
SMOKED GLASS. 219
the scene of Arturian splendor which exploded upon our
vision when we reached the field of tournay .
A piece of historical ground, which had proved upon
trial to be unfavorable to potatoes, had been set apart for
the knightly pageant ; and all four sides of it were sup
plied with an ancient staging of four descending seats,
which ended at short intervals in pillars driven into the
ground. A lavish baron of the olden time, who did quite
a good thing in the oyster trade, had bequeathed the
interest of seven dollars per annum as a fund for keeping
the staging impregnable to vagrant cows, and the fact that
only a few roasting pigs were grazing in the lists, when
we arrived, spoke well for the use of the legacy.
The top seat all around, singularly narrow as it was,
seemed to have the preference ; and, as its occupants were
privileged to hook their insteps and ankles on the next seat
below, and the two seats still lower were chiefly practicable
for the use of chickens, I did not wonder at the choice.
Captain Villiam Brown and I now took out the bits of
Smoked Glass with which we always protect our eyes when
viewing dazzling spectacles, and surveyed the knights and
ladies as they arrived and climbed to the top seat.
" Ah! "says Villiam, "if that rail should happen to
turn, my fren , how many would experience reverses !"
We were both of us cogitating over this idea, when
Captain Munchausen motioned for us to take seats on the
barrels next to his, and says he,
220 KNIGHT EK-KENT-RY.
" Hist, Hessians ! see you not, by r lady, that the con
tending knights have arrived? "
Sure enough, my boy, two or three of the seats had
been let down upon the other side of the glittering arena,
and there entered four stately figures upon steeds branded
with the motto, " U. S." Forward they came across the
field, to pay their devoirs to the Queen of Love and Beauty
in a bonnet of the latest fashion of the Spring of 61 ;
while a party of New York heralds erected, at proper points
in the lists, posts from whose cross-bars hung many curtain
rings.
First of the champions was Sir Cooke de Puddingwell,
in a casque of soft black felt, through the top of which
some locks of his hair protruded in an ingenious plume.
His colors were crimson, and he wore them in the shape
of a red flannel under-garment which flowed upon his
breast between the flaps of his rather-tight-at-the-waist
alpaca mantle.
Next was the Viscount Morgeejee, descended from a
noble Welsh family of cavaliers, in a chapeau de straw,
shaped somewhat like an umbrella, and a dress-coat of
rich cotton velvet, gored and made low in the neck. His
colors were blue merino, and he wore them in quatriform
patches on each knee.
Thirdly was Sir Blessingen Desguys, of French cavalier
stock, in a helmet of black silk with very little of the nap
rubbed off, and a mantle of brown linen trimmed with
tulle and hem-stitched up the front with narrow edging on
SMOKED GLASS. 221
the sleeves, and gored down the back, with a frill of ap
plique at the waist. His colors were a yellow silk hand
kerchief, one end of which protruded behind his ear from
under his helmet.
The last was Sir Render Awdje, in a white plush helm,
which he was reported to wear in bed, a rich jacket of
green baize with round bone blazonries, and the quarterings
of his coat-of-arms engrossed upon his costume just below
the brief tails of his jacket. He appeared to have no colors,
being only a banneret; but something white occasionally
appearing at the foot of his spine as he moved in the saddle
suggested the possibility of a hidden scarf of spotless satin,
the secret gift of some ladye fayre. It might have been
his pocket-handkerchief though.
Each knight was armed with a lance with the broom part
broken off, which he waved in salute to the Queen of Love
and Beauty.
" By my halidome! " quoth Sir Cooke de Puddingwell,
picking a leg of cold chicken, and stirring up his fiery barb
so that a little touch of spring-halt might not be too visible,
"an I take not six rings to-day, call me churl."
"Gramercy for thy liberality, gentle sir," retorted the
Viscount Morgeejee, who had just bought some peanuts.
"By the rood! an ye shall prove the boast to the death,
an our lady wills it," quoth Sir Blessingen, brushing a fly
from the place where his courser had been galled by the
collar when ploughing. At this moment the New York
heralds appeared in the centre of the field, and proceeded
19*
222 MARE HASTE, LESS SPEED.
to publish the Personals of the Coming contest. One of
them lifted up his voice, and said,
t i Here ye all ! If the four gentlemen who rode up to
Chipmunk this morning wish to continue their acquaintance
with the four ladies who love them; let them at once ad
dress themselves to obtaining rings."
Then all the heralds joined in the chorus of " Largesse,
noble knights, largesse; " and then retired to play seven-up
behind a nobleman s carriage with "U. S. Ambulance"
inscribed upon its panel.
Passing one half of his apple to the nearest lady, and
putting the other half into his pocket, Captain Munchausen
took a standing position upon his barrel, and says he,
"Let the Tournamong proceed! "
Away hobbled all the knights at the word, in a series
of uneven hops best adapted to the infirmities of the met
tled Arabians they bestrode ; making directly for the first
post of rings and aiming with their lances to cary off one
ring at least.
Sir Cooke de Puddingwell almost had one, when his
blooded mare took fright at a "chignon" in the range of his
vision, and staggered horror-stricken against Sir Render s
Hambletonian, with such a shock to that knight, as caused
his helmet to fall off and reveal a lunch of two roast apples
on his head. Seeing their advantage, the Viscount Mor-
geejee and Sir Blessingen made a gallant push for the
other post, amid the plaudits of the nobility and gentry ;
but Sir Cooke and Sir Render, recovering, were there, too,
SMOKED GLASS. 223
as quickly, and the wriggling of all their horses was as
one sound.
" By the Mass ! Sir Viscount," said Sir Blessingen,
hotly, " an thou keep not thy lance from the small of my
back, I will make thee cry Gramercy ! "
" Ay, by my halidome ! " quoth Sir Cooke de Pudding-
well, "an thou keep not thy steed, Sir Blessingen, from
trying to sit in my lap, I will serve thee an thou wert a
varlet ! "
Here Captain Munchausen, who had just drawn a pair of
clean white socks over his hands to be more genteel, once
more arose upon his barrel, and says he,
"The first round of the Tournamong is over. Five
minutes for refreshments, by r lady ! "
I turned to Villiam, whose inferior Sixth Ward nature
had become dumfounded at the courtly display, and
said I,
"Well, my Iron Duke, how standest thou the feverish
excitement of the scene? "
" Hum ! " says Villiam, musingly, "methinks I see the
Arabian Nights of my childhood. Methinks," says Vil
liam, historically, " that mine eyes behold the Field of the
Cloth of Gold, after it has suspended speshie payment."
I was about to rejoin, when the ringing of a dinner-bell
by an extra herald brought the knights in line again, and
the tournamong raged with renewed force. Owing to the
fact that the steed of Sir Cooke, while lunching upon the
tempting tail of .Sir Blessingen s steed bit unexpectedly
224 A CONUNDRUM.
upon the raw, the latter nobleman suddenly went to the
front, with a plunge like a huge grasshopper, and, striking
full against the first ring post, brought it crashing to the
ground.
u A foul blow, by my halidome ! " shouted Sir Cooke,
impatiently striving to break his charger of the habit of
walking on three legs, which it had acquired in the grocery
business.
" By the Mass ! an thou sayest so thou liest, base
churl ! " roared the agitated Sir Blessingen, doubly frantic
at having jammed his fingers and found his pockets picked
of four gingernuts.
In a moment all was in confusion ; and to add to the
dreadful splendors of the scene, Sir Render Awdye, in
bending eagerly down from his saddle to look for rings,
made such a display of a pair of suspenders as caused
several ladies to faint on the spot.
In short, the tournamong was over ; and, after amicably
uniting forces to chastise three members of the freed-negro
race who had been heard to laugh, the knights and specta
tors went their ways, and we returned thoughtfully to the
chateau.
Can it be, my boy, that a people who thus retain all the
usages and hardihood of knighthood, really lack any radical
essential to suit the pleasure of the CHASE ?
Yours, inquisitively,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER XIX.
PAYING A HANDSOME TRIBUTE TO WOMAN; INTRODUCING A BRIDE, AND
PREPARATION FOR THE BRIDALJ GIVING THE ORIGIN AND PLAN OF CHIP
MUNK CATHEDRAL; SKETCHING A GRAND SOUTHERN RITUALISTIC WED
DING; AND SHOWING HOW OUR CORRESPONDENT WAS ONCE "UP TO
SNUFF."
CHIPMUNK COUKT HOUSE, June 18j 18C8.
FROM those passionate days when the arms and feats of
Woman had so wrought upon the feelings of a British
army that it toasted the Maid of Orleans, there has been
a marked tendency amongst owners of mothers-in-law to let
the Toast be Dear Woman. But we must remember, that,
in the time of Joan of Arc, protracted celibacy often
subjected the unwedded fair one to the rigors of a convent;
and, rather than come to that, many a maiden was willing
to accept a suitor who was half-a-loafer, upon the principle
that half-a-loaf was better than nun. The English troops
may have regarded Miss Joan s late proceedings in the
light of a loaf; and, having cut her off from the latter,
felt justified in toasting her over the same fire with their
stake. At any ra^e, the historical precedent from which
modern mother-in-lawyers take inspiration for their ma
levolent convivial mots, has no force at all for those genuine
admirers and respecters of the sex who ask no toasting for
225
226 A TINCTURE OF GAUL.
the modest, domestic young woman who is home-maid
bred.
If, in following my mention of the heroine of Orleans
with the name of Matilda Munchausen, I should also
greet the latter as a Maid of Four Liens, because at
least four liens are held against the estates of the Mun-
chausens by low Northern persons having mortgages
thereon, there are those who would accuse me of greatly
exasperating them with a hideous pun. I think, therefore,
that it will be well for me to respect the unhappy preju
dices of such critics, and save them from a degrading dis
play of their bad temper, by not doing so. Suffice it to
say, then, that the lady of the ancient Southern chateau,
which I am now aiding to reconstruct, is certainly worthy
the proud old name of Penruthers, attained by her to-day
in the bond and mortgage of matrimony; nor shall the
apparent slight coolness of herself and her family toward
me keep back my delicate tribute of admiration on such
an occasion *as the present. Her chamber in the luxurious
Munchausen chateau has hitherto been immediately above
mine ; and, early this morning, while she, with all her
windows open (to disguise the absence of a whole pane of
glass from any one of them), was getting ready for the
bridal, I overheard her softly singing to herself the follow
ing graceful little
ip
CHANSON.
Avez vous mon parapluie ?
Celui-la, ou celui-ci ?
SMOKED GLASS. 227
II n a celui do personne :
N a-t-il pas son pantalon ?
Qui a soin do mon cheval ?
A quel pied a-t-il mal ?
Je suis venu pres de vous,
II est venu pres de nous.
Manger trop est dangereux :
Bonne renomme e vaut mieux,
II fait un bon ordinaire
Pensez-vous quo je puisse faire ? *
* I take these sprightly lines (probably one of the lighter lyrics of Hugo) to
be expressive of pleasant girlish badinage. The young bride jocosely asks her
lover if he has her umbrella (synonymous with parasol at the South just now).
To which it is answered, that he has not; that he really has but the clothes
he stands in. This is the French way of stating that he is very poor. Then the
bride, in the same spirit again, wants to know who is to take care of her pet
saddle-horse after she is married, and attend to its ailings; as the creature must
now come very near to two persons instead of one? But, in the last quatrain,
woman s heart at once accepts the situation frankly, contends that a good name is
better than gluttonous living, hints that those are rich enough who have the for
mer, and archly asks a compliment for the fair philosopher. The lines may be
freely rendered into English, thus,
Have you my umbrella there ?
This or that one I don t care I
He has no one s ; his is thus,
Fropria qua? niaribus.
Who will tend my pony, now ?
Tell which foot is sorest, too ?
As I come the nearer thee,
He to us should nearer be.
Peril tis to eat too much,
Better honest name than such ;
He fares well who sticks unto it :
Do you think that I can do it ?
The translation scarcely does justice to the gracefully coquettish spirit of the
original, but conveys its sense* ED.
(Nonsense ! The " lines " are merely so many hap- hazard and disconnected
phrases from the "Exercises" of some French Grammar, or Reader I PUB
LISHER.)
228 THE CONVENTIONAL NEGRO.
Unconscious of a hearer, the lovely songstress was tak
ing French-leave, so to speak, of her girlish days. As the
student returned from a college where he has acquired
great facility in misunderstanding Latin will occasionally
sing bits of supposed verse in that language in a way to
sadden everybody, so did this affianced Southern bride
warble the plaintive lines she had, perhaps, learned at her
happy early boarding-school, where French was the lan
guage if desired by parents. And while I listened to the
melodious strain, and imagined the beautiful strainer drop
ping a final tear to the memory of her sunny days of girl
hood, I could not but envy the haughty bridegroom des
tined to have her for his own ; and wonder how the mis
chief he was ever going to support her.
Even while I mused thus, the sound of another voice
saluted my ears from below the casement, the voice of
Captain Munchausen, who, in consequence of an accident
to his ancestral treasury, had just borrowed three dollars
from the aged colored seneschal, of the chateau, to aid in
the approaching nuptial pageant.
"Seneschal," says he, coldly, "if this is all that the
varlet Yankees have given thee in largesse, I will e en
place it in my gipsire for want of more."
The seneschal appeared to heave a sigh, and says he,
" Dat s all I got, Mars r Captain; and I hope Mars r 11
let me go and vote for de Convention dis inornin before
Miss Tilda gits married."
His former owner scowled thoughtfully at the ignorant
SMOKED GLASS. 229
*
black, and says he, " Seneschal, what is this Convention
to do?"
The venerable freedman scratched his head, and says he :
"I don t know, Mars r, but I b lieve it s to get up a new
Consumption for de State."
"Ha! ha! ha!" laughed the scornful Southron, with
horrible bitterness. " You mean Constitution, poor
gorilla ; and tell me now, thou sorry knave, what is a Con
stitution?"
"I don t know zactly, Mars r Captain," says the aged
negro, "anddat s a fac . I spect, though, dat its some
kind of canonderdrum out o de Bible."
"And these," hissed the proud Confederacy through
his set teeth, " these are the creatures who are to ha !
ha! rule the down-trodden South, while we, her mort
gaged white sons, are dissss-feranchised ! ! Why, yonder
losel military scopion, from the plebeian North, shall show
more intelligence."
Here the disfranchised knight hailed one of our Mack
erels, who chanced to be on guard near the porch, and
says he,
"Tell us, thou reptile, what is a Constitution? "
" Consteediooshun is it, ye mane! " says the soldier, in
a voice that had often reached the North Poll, " Sure, and
its a bit av paper that every Amairikin citeezen signs whin
he declares his intintions."
At this moment Captain Munchausen was seized with a
20
230 CHURCH OF THE POORITANS.
*
violent cough ; and says he, " ah yes, I see. But
you can retire, sirrah."
" As for you, Satan," says he, making a pass at the
aged seneschal with the oiled-silk umbrella-sheath, which
he carried as a purse, " if you attempt to vote I ll discharge
you."
But the seneschal, in return, made a pass at him with
the dust-pan, and peevishly asked for his money again ;
whereupon the passionate knight called aloud for military
aid from the United States ; and, but for the prompt media
tion, of the Mackerel, the long expected War of Races must
have commenced at the South.
Hark, though! The pewter spoon has been hung upon
its wire in the dish-pan, and the great bell of the chateau,
thus reconstructed, rings a merry peal for the bridal. Let
all political differences, my boy, be lost in the fragrant
smoke of Hymen s torch, while I skip over intervening
incidents and take you directly to the wedding.
Inasmuch as the principal sacred edifice of this financial
metropolis was torn down, during the recent Federal car
nage, by our military Vandals (because some thirteen un
conquerable Confederacies in spectacles occupied the turret
with duck-guns, and created disturbances in our ranks),
the only fashionable church now standing is composed of
the body of an old Dry Dock omnibus, presented by wealthy
Southern exiles in New York, with a steeple over the door-
end formed successively of a cracker-box, a fish-keg, and a
nine-shilling gothic clock. This stately triumph of Noah s
SMOKED GLASS.
231
232 NO FREEDOM TO A DOOR.
Arkitechture is said to look much like the famous English
church of St. Mary- Axe, but, as it is not quite so large,
it is very properly called St. Mary-Hatchet ; and here, in
this cathedral, with a spacious blackberrying-ground around
it, the marriage of P. Penruthers and M. Munchausen
would have been solemnized, but for the high-handed con
duct of a prominent church-officer. To speak plainly, it
is the custom of the sexton of the cathedral to occupy the
driver s seat of the former omnibus during the service,
and, by -means of the strap wound about his leg, permit
none of the congregation to open the door and slip out
while the collection is being taken up. When applied to
by the brothers of the bride, this embittered official agreed
to admit the party to the cathedral ; but utterly refused to
think of such a thing as letting them out again without a
collection for his own benefit. This, of course, settled the
matter, as the Rothschilds still mysteriously refrain from
subscribing to the new Munchausen Loan ; and it was de
cided that the ceremony should take place, according to
the forms of the Ritualists, at the chateau.
Nowhere save at the South, at this particular period of
Reconstruction, is a Ritualistic wedding seen in all its
pomp. That is to say nowhere else are so many Pom-
peys present. As I gazed to-day at the row of sable re
tainers around the nobility and gentry at the wedding, and
wondered whom they expected to collect their next quar
ter s wages from, it struck me that the Sheriffs writual
had its element there. Thus do wordly thoughts intrude
SMOKED GLASS. * 233
upon the most solemn scenes, and I merely mention it as
an original discovery.
Captain Villiam Brown and I had been invited, on con
dition of lending clean collars, and furnishing a box of
candles for the ceremony ; and when we entered the saloon
of the chateau and gazed through our pieces of Smoked
Glass upon the scene, the brilliancy of the latter made us
wink. The mangle, brought in from the kitchen and con
verted into a covered table by means of a white counter
pane, bore some twenty burning tallow-candles in soda-
water bottles. Above it trembled a tasteful canopy, made
from the top. of a sugar-barrel, draped with evergreens.
Behind it, on the wall, hung a picture representing the
arrest of one of the early Christians for debt. At the
table stood the Ritual rector, in chasuble made of the stuff
left over from the two large blue cotton umbrellas which
Villiam and I had given to be made into a bridal-gown and
hoop skirt for the lady of the chateau. To the right were
a band of boy-choristers, from the local Orphan Asylum ;
on the left, a company of acolytes from the neighboring
County House ; still farther to the left was the choir, coin-
posed of the Mackerel Brass Band with his night-key bugle,
and the aged colored seneschal, with a large comb wrapped
in paper; around the room sat the family and guests, on
inverted peach-baskets ; and, facing the table and rector,
stood the lordly Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire, and his
Southern bride !
You can form no idea of the knightly and chivalric as-
20*
234 PUTTING OUT THE WICK-ED.
pect of this people, my boy, save in a courtly pageant like
this. You at the North are chiefly familiar with South
ern medical students, who, instead of using the ancient
lance for artillery, use the modern lancet for ill artery ;
but, if you want to see what Chivalry really is, at the
South, come gaze through my Smoked Glass at this scene
of Ritualism.
The Ritual rector now intoned a Nux Vomica, accom
panied in a slow adagio movement by night-key bugle and
comb ; and then, looking steadfastly at the couple, snuffed
out two candles with his fingers. This signified that all
their past separate lives, save debts and mortgages, were
extinguished by marriage. Bride and groom bowed assent;
the acolytes filed between them and the table; and the
Ritual rector snufled-out the remaining candles, which
signified that the family couldn t afford to let them burn
any longer, as they had no others in the house.
Next, in time to slow music by the choir, the Ritual
rector lifted from the interior of the mangle a living wren,
its little feet and wings tied, and itself lying upon about
ten cents worth of ice. What this chilled wren signified
I could not understand exactly, but bride and groom again
bowed very low. .;
l Then I pronounce you mortgaged to each other for
life," says the Ritual rector, commencing to eat an apple
(significant of Eve s transgression), and the boy-choristers
at once began a solemn dance about the pair, singing
SMOKED GLASS. 235
" Thus man takes a mortgage on woman for life,
With, interest due in good faith from the wife;
And if she don t pay it, her husband she ll force
To quickly foreclose with a suit for divorce.
" Be happy, bo worthy, be thrifty and wise;
Take all the good chances of Time as he flies;
And still be your doctrine, or healthy or sick,
Kit-u-al, rit-u-al, rit-u-al-is-tic."
This concluded the impressive ceremony. The twain
had been made one, for better, for worse, in life and in
debt ; and, after the usual congratulations, the whole party
repaired in procession to the salle a manger, where a wed
ding-banquet of hoe-cake and United States rations awaited
us. The ritual rector came with the rest, in high spirits,
being apparently affected by some sort of congestion of the
brain, which led him into the wild fancy that he was to be
paid something for his services ; but as the moments rolled
on, and the knightly brothers of the bride still dodged him
around peach-baskets and behind doors, he gradually
settled into hopeless melancholy, and finally went home
to his starving family.
Not knowing where they might get their next meal, the
bride and her haughty lord ate heartily ; giving me oppor
tunity to observe their happiness without peril of resent
ment for my staring. And, as I studied the spacious
cheek of Matilda, memory went back to other days in
236 A WAVERING ONE.
the sunny South, when I, myself, had been near offer
ing hand and heart to a belle no less worth ringing. But,
alas 1 alas ! one evening I was
UNDECEIVED.
All hailed her a parlor Calypso,
The Syren Supreme of the throng,
Who dazzled with jewels and satins,
And wooed as they floated along.
Her locks were like night in the tropics,
Her brow shamed the lily in white;
Her eyes were two oceans of darkness
Reflecting two oceans of light.
Her lips were the coraline portals,
The shrine of a heaven of bliss,
That e en might entice the immortals
To turn, and be lost in a kiss.
Her garment, in folds dropping lustre
Trailed softly in ripple and curl,
Seem d wrought from the wave of a water
Whose azure had melted a pearl.
One hand reap d a harvest of ringlets,
The other ruled grace at her side;
Her form was the form of a maiden,
In crown of full womanly pride.
I knew her had known her from childhood;
Yet, such is the magical spell
Of Beauty enthroned o er her subjects,
I dared not salute Anabel.
But Thought spurns the bonds of the human,
And e en as I gazed at her there,
I dream d of a day in the future,
Of all my young days the most fair.
SMOKED GLASS. 237
For, had she not wept at our parting ?
And had she not blush d when we met
I saw my white rose on her bosom,
And knew that she could not forget.
Mid dancing, and gay conversation,
And planning of new loves around,
I stood there alone with my idol,
Like Silence ghost-brooding in sound.
A
What though she smiled others to Heaven
With lips that were zephyr d with mirth,
When mine was the droop of the lashes
That gave me my heaven on earth !
At last, when the voice of a singer
Came sweet through the tapestried door,
Her courtiers took leave of their Empress,
And swept o er the velveted floor.
They left her she would not go with them,
And I, in the red curtain s glow,
Was thrilled with such loving emotions
As none but a lover can know.
I thought, in my joy, to surprise her;
But paused, as I lifted a fold,
And saw her draw forth from her bosom
A quaint little casket of gold.
The horrors of jealousy smote me
The face of a Rival ! thought I ;
But scarce had a minute flown over,
When more was exposed to my eye.
The casket was stealthily opened,
A hand shed its whiteness within,
And forth from its secret recesees
Brought something of silver, or tin.
238 DISGUSTIBUS NON EST DISPUTANDUM.
She dipp d it low down in the casket
Glanced anxiously round, as in fear,
Then parted her lips in a moment,
And plunged it between with a smear !
I saw it, recoiling in horror !
One glimpse of the scene was enough ;
The thing in her mouth was a " Dipper,"
The casket, a casket of snuff.
Oh ! what was the glow of her blushes,
Oh ! what was the glance of her eye ?
The flush of a deep dissipation,
The fire that but sparkled to die !
My vision of loveliness fadedj
My passion was turn d to disdain;
I crept from the place like a shadow,
And never shall enter again.
Ah, well ! such memories have no business at a Mun-
chausen wedding, my boy ; and to the latter let us return
without farther reminiscence.
When evening came, the great bell of the chateau called
us out to the lawn, to witness a surprise in the way of
fireworks; and when, at a given signal from Captain
Munchausen, the torch was applied to a school-house
recently erected by vulgar Yankee capital for the freed-
negro race, the display was really creditable.
Here let me take leave of the pageant, while yet its
glory must be dazzling every eye. The union of two
loving hearts is a topic to which one poor goose-quill
never yet did justice, a whole goose being requisite for
SMOKED GLASS. 289
the purpose. Will these twcf be any less happy because
they must go to the Almshouse pretty soon ? Will a
shadow rest upon their united lives because a rash Collec
tor of Income Taxes committed suicide here last evening,
shortly after conversing with some of the leading men of
the place concerning their gains during the past year?
Let us hope not. Let us trust that, as they gradually
starve to death their love for each other as profound as
their hatred of the scorpion North which still refuses six
months credit, they may find in each other s company
additional courage to scorn negro-suffrage and heap fresh
contumely upon the head of any Northern man who would
seek to rescue them from the first-mentioned consummation.
Yours, ritually,
ORPHEUS C. KERB.
LETTER XX.
RECORDING A DAY S EXCURSION UP THE POTOMAC J ANALYZING A STRAW
BERRY FESTIVAL, AND REPORTING SOME OF THE ORATIONS AT SUSPER
COLLEGE COMMENCEMENT.
CHIPMUSK COURT &OUSE, June 26, 1868.
THE human soul how sensitive a thing it is ! espec
ially before its owner hears from his poor relations, or has
a wife subject to sick-headache. How keenly alive it
is to every impression of Change, even when the latter is
not change for five dollars ! How quickly will it swell, or
collapse, at the least variation in the chromatic scales of
that instrument of piano and forte emotions which we call
Home !
You return to the latter after the day s business ; and,
before you have seen or spoken to a soul there, a subtle
sensibility jto some unpleasant change in it comes sicken-
ingly over you. In another moment you detect a carpet
bag and bandbox in the hall, and then you know that your
wife s mother has come to spend a week with you. Re
gaining the same Home after a brief trip to the country,
there is something in the aspect of the very front-door that
inexplicably impresses you with a delightful sense of home s
sweetest tranquillity. You enter, and are informed that
your eldest unmarriageable sister-in-law has decided to
240
SMOKED GLASS. 241
defer her visit until next summer. So it is that some
mysterious intuitive intelligence of the human soul that
possession coming by nature to every man save the New
Jersey man detects the sadder and happier domestic
changes for us long before the material senses can act.
Thus it is that we need no telling to comprehend, that the
man with the pew-bill has been waiting for us in the
parlor nearly half an hour.
And how much stronger is the vibration of this fine in
stinct, when the very loudest component element of a home
has gone out of it ! There has been a Marriage in the
house, and the merest stranger asks no telling to be aware
of it before he has been within the door five minutes.
There is no more poking of a head in curl-papers over the
baluster of the second-story stairs every time the street-
bell rings. There is no more screeching of alternate hymn-
verses and " Duchess of Gerolstein" hand-organ airs
through the third-story hall until eleven o clock every morn
ing. There is no more slapping of infant brothers to stop
their crying for tumbling downstairs, and make them learn
not to take their sister s back -hair off the bureau and use
it for a ball another time. There is no more driving of
nails (of her fingers) on the piano-forte, with all the par
lor-windows open, at what a merciful Providence intended
to be the quietest hour of the evening. There is no more
standing on the front-stoop and taking three-quarters of an
hour to scream and giggle a good-night to the departing
Young Man already half-way to the corner, when five
21
242 A RAW-OYSTERING BLADE.
single gentlemen on the same block, who must get up at five
o clock in the morning, are trying to swear themselves to
sleep. No ; there has been a Marriage in the house, and
the yearning souls of the survivors plaintively acknowl
edge that the cessation of so much sweetness and noise
makes it seem just like Sunday, at home.
The late Confederate pageant of a Ritualistic marriage
has left the ancient chateau of the Munchausens so lonely
for me that I have made a flying excursion to Succotash
Court House, where even orations by collegians are better
than no noise at all. On the morning after the wedding,
when Pendragon Penruthers, Esquire, his bride and broth
ers-in-law, started for a day s bridal-tour of the Charitable
Institutions of Chipmunk Court House, Captain Villiam
Brown and I were directed to remain in the kitchen with
the aged seneschal and help clean the knives ; but Vil
liam s unhappy disposition to want nobody to get married
but himself had made him such poor company for the oc
casion, that a sense of there having been a Marriage in the
house grew intolerable to me, and I suddenly resolved to
take a sail up the Potomac for the day. When I told him
of my determination, Yilliam was cleaning a costly cast-
iron carving-knife, which, as there had been no earthly use
for it in the family since the late Vandal war, had grown
quite rusty and says he,
" Go, my frcn , and I will continue the great work of
reconstruction alone until your return. "Ah!" says
Villiam, trying the highly-tempered blade on his finger-
SMOKED GLASS. 243
nail, " it is now nearly time for our ten o clock snub, and
that bright being is not here to give it to us."
Perceiving that his Democratic Northern nature drooped
in the anticipated absence of those daily affronts to which
we were accustomed, I tried to comfort him with the cer
tainty that Lady Penruthers would yet insult us oftener
than ever before she finally went away with her lord to his
home in the Almshouse ; and so greatly did the assurance
cheer him that, just previous to my departure, he cleaned
a broken and very difficult fork in three minutes.
A brisk walk of about an hour through plantations
so covered with mortgages as to be actually dying because
neither son nor heir could get to them brought me to the
landing where the Confederate steamboat, " South C. Bub
ble," built in South Carolina, awaited such passengers as
the captain was willing to trust for their passage-money.
The floating palace, in question, had formerly been a
coal-barge; but now, by aid of a second-hand cooking-
stove, a tin clothes-boiler, a steam-pipe from thence to the
hickory pistons of a walking-beam which had been in
geniously manufactured from a large wagon-spring, and a
couple of U. S. ambulance-wheels at the sides, she made
the best steamer that it was possible to run on credit.
My payment of my passage in actual money threw the
entire crew into a profuse perspiration, and caused the
captain to exhibit temporary signs of apoplexy ; yet, at
the proper moment, the great naval commander was suf
ficiently recovered to mount one of the wheel-houses,
244 A SAUCE OF ENJOYMENT.
(half a cheese-box) , draw forth his galvanized chronome
ter, and signal the engineer to turn on the steam from the
clothes-boiler. Wush-wush-wush-h-h went the ambulance-
wheels, high curled the smoke from the stack of old hats
acting as a smoke-pipe, and along moved the majestic
vessel, after the manner of a dying swan.
Perceiving, from my payment of fare, and the absence
of holes from the elbows and knees of my garments, that
I was a scorpion carpet-bagger from . the plebeian North,
the company on board did not invite me to join in the
games of euchre which they were playing for bone-buttons,
just abaft the mainstay ; and, to keep myself in counte
nance, I soon repaired to the dissecting-table of the sur
geon of the ship, and nearly threw that glassy official into
a fit by paying him to make me a strawberry festival.
In coarse Northern cities, a strawberry festival, when
gotten-up in aid of some church, or charitable institution,
is made as follows : A glass vessel, holding about a pint,
is supplied with enough ice to preserve the fruit, and upon
the extreme top thereof, two, and sometimes three straw
berries are carefully placed. Then, a rich sauce, com
posed of sherry, a little brandy, a sprig of mint, a slice
of orange, a bit of pineapple, and a tall, hollow straw
(hence STRAW-berry festival), is poured over the preserved
berries, and the festival is ready for church-members.
But, at the South, just now, owing to a momentary differ
ence with the Rothschilds, ice is too expensive to be had ;
so the surgeon of the ship used some fragments of broken
SMOKED GLASS. 245
glass bottles instead; and, as his nearest approach to
sherry and brandy was some molasses and water, the
strawberry festival he made for me was not as stimulating
as I have known such festivals to be.
In fact, shortly after partaking of this strawberry festi
val, I was seized with a serious sea-sickness ; and as the
vessel was stopping just then at Succotash Court House
to land those who had come thither to attend the com
mencement of the celebrated Susper College, I too went
ashore to shake off my illness by a passing glimpse of the
Confederate educational pageant.
Susper College boasts a faculty composed almost ex
clusively of Major-General Southern Confederacies who
have not yet been hung for pointing and discharging dis
loyal artillery against the United States of America, and
occupies a large wooden building situated upon one of the
largest mortgages in the State. . Prior to certain late
Federal outrages upon a wealthy and chivalrous people,
the Southern youth, attending this institution of learning,
wore dress-coats at all hours of the day, and spent nearly
as much money for "poker, 7 and other necessaries of life,
as would have sufficed to pay the interest on their fathers 7
debts. During the present season, however, they are at
tired in coats and continuations, which bear more rags to
the acre than ever came before from sowing tares ; and
when a young student of sixteen, named Lieutenant-Col
onel Montmorency, stood upon the ironing-table, used as a
21*
246 CHANGE FOR DOLOROUS TROUBLES.
rostrum, to deliver his oration, I noticed that his coat was
fastened in front with a wooden skewer.
The orations were impassioned, and scholarly appeals in
behalf of State rights and Southern sentiment, showing
that what the South now needs are independence and capital.
Colonel Chilmondelj, a fervid young student of thirteen,
spoke of Virginia as the Mother of Mortgages, and drew
a fine ideal picture of the future days when all her debts
should be paid off, and her railroads and her colleges able
to borrow some more money. Major Ilfracombe, aged
twelve, and wearing a brass-headed nail for a scarf-pin
spoke eloquently of the State-debt, which, he said, like
the mighty Mississippi emptying into the sea, emptied into
the Bankrupt Act.
Captain Penremington, aged nine years, urged his
brethren to go boldly forth from College into the North,
and demand ay, DEMAND ! six months credit. The
time had now arrived when the South should assert her
self, and, in helm and with spear, if necessary, claim
her share of the ill-gotten wealth of the North. (Great
sensation.) Let the South say to the North, " We do
riot want you yourselves with us ; but we have need of
your small change, to develop our great resources (tre
mendous enthusiasm), to educate and exterminate our ser
vile population, and to prepare ourselves for another and
mightier struggle with your vandal military scorpions. "
(Prolonged cheers.) Then, after obtaining the small
SMOKED GLASS. 247
change ; who could doubt that the renovated and newly
armed South would
l As victor exult, or in debt be laid low,
With her note for six months in the hands of the foe ;
And, leaving in bottle no drop as it came,
Demand a new deal and begin a new game."
When the enthusiastic applause had subsided, General
Hardupton, of South Carolina, mounted the ironing-table,
and proceeded to address the Literary Societies of the
College upon the " Duties of Citizenship." He told the
students that, as citizens of the Republic, it would be their
first duty to be devoted exclusively to their own State,
which, upon the whole, was the only State in the Union
worth mentioning. Let them remember her host of noble
sons, who comprised all the United States Presidents
worth speaking about. At present, she was pecuniarily
embarrassed, but would yet pass (should the Bankrupt
Act be proved Constitutional) from debt into life. In con
clusion, he solemnly warned the young man against ever
" playing policy" to the detriment of their principal. If
the temptation beset them, let them go into the nearest
cemetery and consider the examples of those who had pre
ferred to be taken by the knave of spades and await the
last trump.*
At the conclusion of these interesting exercises the en-
*See address of rebel General Wade Hampton, at the recent "Commence
ment " of General Lee s Washington College, Va.
248 TO TRUST WERE CREDIT-ABLE.
thusiasin was unbounded, some of the worst straw hats I
ever saw (made chiefly from the covers of market-baskets)
being waved in the air, while the ladies as energetically
fluttered the ends of pillow-cases which they carried as
handkerchiefs.
Depend upon it, my boy, this proud people only need
be trusted in order to become nearly as great a comfort to
us as they ever were before. Between sections, as between
individuals, there can be no real love without trust ; and
when next your Southern brethren come walking scornfully
into your vulgar Northern stores and boarding-houses,
TRUST them, for six months at least; and you will Surely
get your pay, if not in this, why, then, in another and
a better world to which we are all hastening.
Yours, mediatingly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER XXI. .
WHICH DILATES UPON THE MILITARY MIND AS AFFECTED BY SOUTHERN
EXPERIENCE; SHOWS now A DESERVING SOUTHERN UNIONIST WAS
FEARFULLY. AND WONDERFULLY TRIED BY MACKEREL COURT-MARTIAL;
AND EXPLAINS HOW CAPTAIN MUNCHAUSEN, BEING RECONSTRUCTED,
SENT GREETINGS TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND TERMINATED
THIS EVENTFUL HISTORY.
CHIPMUNK COURT HOUSE, June SO, 1868.
To the military mind, withdrawn from contemplation of
the ensanguined field through a spy-glass, and informed
upon application that there are no immediate vacancies in
the Custom House, there is nothing more profoundly
interesting than the spectacle of a superior people gradual
ly rising from their first unmitigated astonishment at de
feat, and rapidly regaining their original largeness of im
pressive shirt-collar. The military mind, I say, in its few
instances of not being called immediately after a war to
illuminate the office of Governor or Secretary of State,
finds a weird fascination in this development of a high-toned
characteristic of superior blood, and has been known upon
certain garrison occasions to grovel ecstatically before so
much renewed immensity of aspect. The mechanical effects
of martial discipline, and some remembrance of having tend
ed a restaurant in earlier life, frequently conduce to make
the American Military mind exquisitely sensitive to that
249
250 BLACK-AND-GREEN-TIES.
peremptory demand for an attached waiter which continu
ally effulges from a dress-coat mien sufficiently overbear
ing; and many a brass-buttoned brigadier of our invinci
ble army has paused, as commandant, in some refined
Southern town of his conquest, only to fall a prostrate valet
before the large--sized demeanor of its most insulting and
respectable citizens.
These reflections coursed pleasantly through my mind,
and caused me to wink knowingly with my mind s eye, as
I stood in the little encampment, on the lawn of the cha
teau, and listened to the talk of our reconstructing Nation
al troops. There was one Mackerel cheerfully trying the
range of his gun, by firing a few experimental bullets at a
member of the freed-negro race on an adjacent fence; and,
just as the redeemed freedman put down his hoe-cake on a
post to see what was in his hat, he turned immediately to
another Mackerel, and says he,
" It s naygurs, the like of him convanient to the fince,
that they kape us here to purtect, whin the war s over intire-
ly. An, sure, why couldn t they lave the black cray-
tures to the gintleman that ouns them, and lave us to go
home an vote?"
The other Mackerel stopped dealing out rations to the
aged seneschal, who had just come with a basket for the
Munchausen family-breakfast, and says he,
" Why, Antonio, nobody ouns them now. They re free,
and will be a comin and takin the bread out of our mouths
next."
SMOKED GLASS. 251
Antonio only paused a moment, to kick the seneschal,
and says he,
"It s bate them I would, if I was the gintleman, and
then see if it s us white min that would interfere. Ah,
but it s the rale gintleman he is, up at the house yonder ;
an I ve not seen the like of him since I came over. He
doesn t be spakin to common folks the like of us, at all,
sure ; and that was the way with Lord Dunlaff when I
tinded his horses at home."
I turned from the spot, musingly, my boy, and it oc
curred to me that there is possibly a greater capacity for
popular influence in cheek than in mouth.
But why lingers my pen around these beautiful inci
dents, like a bee around flowers, when the stern duty of
the historian requires it to skip all the fragrant poetry of
human nature, and make note only of its scents-less pros
and cons ? Why dallies my forgetful quill with what may
be termed foreign phlox, when it should be busy with some
thing closely approximate to its native goose?
Let Themis Titanic Goddess, as Hesiod would have
h er shrink to the dimensions of a little girl with a " chig
non, and hide her increased head, while I relate to an excited
universe the details of Captain Villiam Brown s court-mar
tial-inquest, in the case of a Southern Union man of Chip
munk, accused of having remarked, that he cared not
what others might say, but, as for him, give him liberty
or give him death.
It did not appear that this observation had any particular
252 THE COUNSEL OF THE WICKED.
application to anything excessively national; in fact, the
said observation was believed by some to have been merely
a quotation from Patrick Henry, and having reference
solely to a question of African choice between emancipation
and freedom ; but Yilliam at once convened a Mackerel
court-martial in the back kitchen, with an intelligent
Mackerel for Judge Advocate ; and when the prisoner was
brought in with his counsel, Villiam frowned majestically
upon him from the mangle, and says he,
"Prisoner at the refrigerator, you are arraigned on a
charge of having uttered incendiary words, and are here
to take your trial for better or worse. Have you any
reason to show why sentence of death should not be pro
nounced upon you ? "
Here the counsel for the defence arose hastily from a
wash-tub, and says he,
"Now this is really "
"Silence, sarah!" says Yilliam, sternly, "and don t
try to bully this court, which knows more about law,"
says Villiam, emphatically, * than ever you read of in Story.
You musn t try any of your bullying here, sarah! "
The counsel for the defence merely wished to state -
The Judge Advocate suggested that it was scarcely
worth while to heed this wretched man s miserable drivel;
but if the convicted traitor at the refrigerator would not
at once confess himself guilty of arson against the gov
ernment, the witnesses must appear.
Therefore, J. Smith, being duly sworn, testified that he
SMOKED GLASS. 253
had known the prisoner at the refrigerator for some time,
and always believed him to be a fiend in human form ; had
frequently supposed him to be a brute in human shape,
and remembered he had once asked a man at a deaf and
dumb asylum if he did not think so too. Could not tell
precisely the hour on each day when he had spoken of the
accused as a demon in human habiliments, but thought it
was every hour; the prisoner had owed him four dollars
and a half for three years.
Counsel for defence put on his spectacles, and says he,
" But how did "
Here the Judge Advocate wished to inform the carica
ture of humanity then speaking, that he must not try any
of his low bullying here, because it wouldn t do. He
must not attempt to intimidate this court with his vapor-
ings.
The following witness, Alonzo Tubbs, being sworn,
deposed that he had known the prisoner at the refrigerator
four years, and must admit that he regarded him as a mon
ster in human guise; had at times pronounced him to be a
modern Nero, and often thought he resembled a wolf in
sheep s clothing; had spoken to prisoner once as to the
feasibility of his lending seven shillings for a few days, and
had been refused in traitorous language.
The counsel for the defence drew a paper from one of
his pockets, and says he,
"Will the witness inform the court "
The Judge Advocate desired to know whether the rav-
22
254 PRONOUNCES HIS OWN SENTENCE.
ings of the maddened blusterer then howling were to be
longer permitted ? He must be taught that this was no
place to bring his threatening airs. His braggadocia would
not do here.
Abel Drinker, being properly sworn, stated that he had
known deceased often, and believed the counsel for the de
fence to be capable of any crime when under the influence
of liquor
Here the counsel for the defence tore his hair, and says
he,-
I protest against
"Silence, sarah!" says Villiam, "or I ll try you for
the assassination of your father. You can t bully this
court, sarah!"
The Judge Advocate could not pause to mention that
the calumnious pettifogger had several times attempted the
life of his mother, but would consent to the introduction
of his first witness not in obedience to any of his bully
ing, though.
Doctor Gigby, being sworn, affirmed that he had attended
the prisoner at the refrigerator during a recent illness,
during which the said prisoner had complained of seeing
monkeys; at one stage of the disease heard him say "Our
noble President very distinctly
"Ah!" says Villiam, with such a start that he nearly
fell into the mangle, "what was that?"
"He said, Our noble President very distinctly."
"Hum!" says Villiam. "If he said that, sarah, I
SMOKED GLASS. 255
hereby squash the indictment, and declare him man and
wife. Let the counsel for the defence be committed for a
further hearing."
And, the court being therefore instantly dissolved, we
repaired to the salle a manger, where Captain Munchausen,
Matilda, P. Penruthers, the Provisional Governor, and an
aged Confederacy, (who introduced the stately fashion of
wearing an overcoat and muffler indoors, by reason of being
temporarily deficient in the frock-coat and shirt-collar de
partment) , awaited us at the groaning supper-board.
"Gen-til-men," said the Provisional Governor, disguis
ing a sneer in a highly unnatural cough, " let me introduce
General Lately (as slightly distinguished from General
Early), whom we propose to install as President of Cotton
Seminary to-morrow."
"Hum!" says Villiam, attentively eying the aged
stranger through his bit of Smoked Glass. "Methinks I
have seen that being behind a musket, propelling glossy
missiles toward the United States of America."
"You have, my man," responded the venerable Wash
ington, in a deep bass tone; "but I am now a cultivator of
earth s teeming bosom, and have forgiven everything. I
have advised those who have surrendered their muskets, to
fire no more at present; but rather to give up slavery for
the time being, and pay the freedmen six dollars yearly for
their labor."
" And I," said the Provisional Governor, returning from
a brief absence, " have just directed the troops on the lawn
256 BLOOD WILL. "TELL."
to march away at once, by authority of our noble Presi
dent ; for my brother is now sufficiently reconstructed to
dispense with the military who," said the Governor,
casually, " have been ordered to leave their rations behind
with our seneschal."
"Furthermore," exclaimed Captain Munchausen, rising
with dignity from a plate of biscuit marked "U. S."
"furthermore, my sister can no longer endure the pres
ence of Vandals drenched in the gore of her forefathers,
and your immediate flight from the chateau will be a cause
of family congratulation."
Here Matilda turned toward us, so that we could see
the new buttons on her dress; and a dreary voice, which
seemed to say something about "them nasty Yankees,"
was heard to float tenderly upon the twilight air.
Yilliam and I moved simultaneously toward the door,
and says Villiam,
" Tell me, sarah, what message shall we convey to the
United States of America?"
"Tell them, " said Captain Munchausen advancing, sup
ported by the Provisional Governor and the aged Con
federacy, who had just hauled a couple of muskets from
under the table, "tell them that Munchausen is fully
reconstructed, and will shortly demand a bottle of Pardon
for the patriot Jefferson Davis."
"But, my Chevalier Bayard," said I, in bewilderment,
"this Reconstruction is only a Congressional experiment."
SMOKED GLASS. 257
"Tell them," said Captain Munchausen, suddenly struck
extreme deafness, "that the sunny South offers peace
to the whole country, and will shortly be prepared (in con
sideration of a few rations and six months credit for female
wearing apparel), to recognize the North as equals."
It rained drearily as Captain Villiam Brown and I set
out to overtake the conic section of the Mackerel Brigade,
already on its march for the railway station ; and as the
great drops drove each other through my clothing, I ear
nestly wished for at least as much pardon in a tumbler as
would refract a spoon. I mentioned as much to Villiam,
and says he,
" Pardons, my fren , as there is no bar to them in this
sunny clime, and as they seem to be dispensed in accord
ance with the lick . er law Ah!" says Villiam, paus
ing suddenly, " what s this? "
It was a miserably dilapidated roadside house, through
the windows of which a feeble light and the voices of men
singing came out upon the thickening darkness of the
night. Moving softly to the half-open door, we looked in,
and beheld many members of the freed-negro race kneeling,
in the wretched room, around the figure of a one-armed
sable soldier of the Union, who, holding a lighted tallow
candle in his only hand, beat time with it to the supplica
tion all were singing. Here and there in the kneeling
congregation appeared the blue uniform which, in every
22*
258 THE GOD OF ABRAHAM.
other attitude than that, had stood out a score of times in
the red flash of battle ; and, as the voices of homely praise
and prayer went up to Him who no less gave blackness to
the raven than whiteness to the goose, I thought it was
fitting that the light, in its intoning rise and fall, should
alternately call from the shadows of a far corner and re
store to them again the bust of ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
Yours, reverently,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
APPENDIX.
APPENDIX.
I.
OPENING ARGUMENT OF MANAGER, THE HON. B. F. BUTLER, HI THE
HIGH COURT OF IMPEACHMENT, MONDAY, MARCH 30, 1868.
MR. PRESIDENT AND GENTLEMEN OF THE SENATE : -
The onerous duty has fallen to my fortune to present to
you, imperfectly as I must, the several propositions of fact
and the law upon which the House of Representatives will
endeavor to sustain the cause of the people against the
President of the United States, now pending at your bar.
The high station of the accused, the novelty of the pro
ceeding, the gravity of the business, the importance of the
questions to be presented to your adjudication, the possible
momentous result of the issues, each and all must plead
for me to claim your attention for as long a time as your
patience may endure.
Now, for the first time in the history of the world, has
a nation brought before its highest tribunal its chief ex
ecutive magistrate for trial and possible deposition from
office, upon charges of maladministration of the powers and
duties of that office. In other times, and in other lands,
it has been found that despotisms could only be tempered
by assassination* and nations living under constitutional
governments even, have found no mode by which to rid
261
262 OUR OWN STEP FARTHER.
themselves of a tyrannical, imbecile, or faithless ruler,
save by overturning the very foundation and framework
of the government itself. And, but recently, in one of
the most civilized and powerful governments of the world,
from which our own institutions have been largely mod
elled, we have seen a nation submit for years to the rule
of an insane king, because its constitution contained no
method for his removal.
Our fathers, more wisely, founding our government,
have provided for such and all similar exigencies a con
servative, effectual, and practical remedy by the constitu
tional provision that the ^President, Yice-President, and
all civil officers of the United States shall be removed from
office on impeachment for and conviction of treason, bribery,
or other high crimes and misdemeanors." The Constitu
tion left nothing to implication, either as to the persons
upon whom, or the body by whom, or the tribunal be fore
which, or the offences for which, or the manner in which
this high power should be exercised ; each and all are pro
vided for by express words of imperative command.
But a single incident only of the business was left to
construction, and that concerns the offences or incapacities
which are the groundwork of impeachment. This was
wisely done, because human foresight is inadequate, and
human intelligence fails in the task of anticipating and
providing for, by positive enactment, all the infinite grada
tions of human wrong and sin, by which the liberties of a
APPENDIX. 263
people and the safety of a nation may be endangered from
the imbecility, corruption, and unhallowed ambition of its
rulers.
It may not be uninstructive to observe that the framers
of the Constitution, while engaged in their glorious and, I
trust, ever-enduring work, had their attention aroused and
their minds quickened most signally upon this very topic.
In the previous year only Mr. Burke, from his place in
the House of Commons in England, had preferred charges
for impeachment against Warren Hastings, and three days
before our convention sat he "was impeached at the bar of
the House of Lords for misbehavior in office as the ruler
of a people whose numbers were counted by millions. The
mails were then bringing across the Atlantic week by week
the eloquent accusations of Burke, the gorgeous and burn
ing denunciations of Sheridan, in behalf of the oppressed
people of India, against one who had wielded over them
more than regal power. May it not have been that the
trial then in progress was the determining cause why the
framers of the Constitution left the description of offences
because of which the conduct of an officer might be in
quired of to be defined by the laws and usages of Parlia
ment, as found in the precedents of the mother country,
with which our fathers were as familiar as we are with our
own?
In the light, therefore, of these precedents, the question
arises, What are impeachable offences under the provis
ions of our Constitution? .
264 CHRISTIAN SENTIMENTS.
I pray leave to lay before you, at the close of my argu
ment, a brief of all the precedents and authorities upon this
subject, in both countries, for which I am indebted to the
exhaustive and learned labors of my friend, the honorable
William Lawrence, of Ohio, member of the Judiciary Com
mittee of the House of Representatives, in which I fully
concur and which I adopt.
We define, therefore, an impeachable high crime or
misdemeanor to be one in its nature or consequences
subversive of some fundamental or essential principle
of government, or highly prejudicial to the public in
terest, and this may consist of a violation of the Con
stitution, of law, of an official oath, or of duty, by an
act committed or omitted, or, without violating a posi
tive law, by the abuse of discretionary powers from im
proper motives, or from any improper purpose.
The first criticism which will strike the mind on a
cursory examination of this definition is, that some of the
enumerated acts are not within the common-law definition
of crimes. . . *. " . .
Mr. Christian, in his notes to the Commentaries of
Blackstone, explains the collocation and use of the words
" high crimes and misdemeanors " by saying,
"When the words high crimes and misdemeanors .are
used in prosecutions by impeachment, the words high
crimes have no definite signification, but are used merely
to give greater solemnity to the charge." /*.
One of the important questions which meets us at the
APPENDIX. 265
outset is : Is this proceeding a trial, as that term is under
stood so far as relates to the rights and duties of a court
and jury upon an indictment for crime ? Is it not" rather
more in the nature of an inquest of office ?
The Constitution seems to have determined it to be the
latter, because, under its provisions the right to retain
and hold office is the only subject that can be finally ad
judicated ; all preliminary inquiry being carried on solely
to determine the question and that alone.
A constitutional tribunal . solely, you are bound by no
law, either statute or common, which may limit your con
stitutional prerogative. You consult no precedents save
those of the law and custom of parliamentary bodies. You
are a law unto yourselves, bound only by the natural prin
ciples of equity and justice, and that salus populi suprema
est lex. . - . > % . .
The first eight articles set out in several distinct forms
the acts of the respondent in removing Mr. Stanton from
office and appointing Mr. Thomas ad interim, differing in
legal effect in the purposes for which and the intent with
which either or both of the acts were done, and the legal
duties and rights infringed, and the acts of Congress vio
lated in so doing. All the articles allege these acts to be
in contravention of his oath of office, and in disregard of the
duties thereof. If they are so, however, the President
might have the power to do them under the law ; still,
being so done, they are acts of official misconduct, and, as
we have seen, impeachable. . . .
23
266 CONGRESSIONAL POW-WOW-ER.
This, then, is the plain and inevitable iss.ue before the
Senate and the American people : Has the President, un
der the Constitution, the more than kingly prerogative
at will to remove from office, and suspend from office in
definitely, all executive officers of the United States,
either civil, military, or naval, at any and all times, and
fill the vacancies with creatures of his own appointment,
for his own purposes, without any restraint whatever, or
possibility of restraint by the Senate or by Congress
through laws duly enacted ? f The House of. Representa
tives, in behalf of the people, join this issue by affirming
that the exercise of such powers is a high misdemeanor in
office. If the affirmation is maintained by the respondent,
then, so far as the first eight articles are concerned, un
less such corrupt purposes are shown as will of themselves
make the exercise of a legal power a crime, the respon
dent must go, and ought to go, quit and free. Therefore,
by these articles and the answers thereto, the momentous
question, here and now, is raised whether the Presidential
office, itself (if it has the prerogatives and power claimed
for it) ought, in fact, to exist as apart of the constitu
tional government of a free people, while by the last
three articles the simpler and less important inquiry is to
be determined, whether Andrew Johnson has so condj^ed
himself that he ought longer to hold any constitutio|M|
office whatever. The latter sinks to merited insignificance
compared with the grandeur of the former. If that is
sustained, then a right and power hitherto unclaimed and
APPENDIX. 267
unknown to the people of the country is engrafted on the
Constitution, most alarming in its extent, most corrupting
in its influence, most dangerous in its tendencies, and most
tyrannical in its exercise. Whoever, therefore, votes
"not guilty" on these articles, votes to enchain our free
institutions, and to prostrate them at the feet of any man
who, being President, may choose to control them.
Article ninth charges that Major-General Emory being
in command of the military department of "Washington, the
President called him before him and instructed him that
the act of March 2, 186T, which provides that all orders
from the President shall be issued through the General of
the army, was unconstitutional and inconsistent with his
commission, with intent to induce Emory to take orders
directly from himself, and thus hinder the execution of the
Civil Tenure act, and to prevent Mr. Stanton from holding
his office of Secretary of War. If the transaction set
forth in this article stood alone, we might well admit that
doubts might arise as to the sufficiency of the proof. But
the surroundings are so pointed and significant as to leave
no doubt on the mind of an impartial man as to the intents
and purposes of the President Is it not a
high misdemeanor for the President to assume to instruct
^j officers of the army that the laws of Congress are not
to be obeyed? ...
Article ten alleges that, intending to set aside the right
ful authority and powers of Congress, and to bring into
268 BROAD-AXIOM.
disgrace and contempt the Congress of the United States,
and to destroy confidence in and excite odium against Con
gress and its laws, he, Andrew Johnson, President of the
United States, made divers speeches set out therein,
whereby he brought the office of President into contempt,
ridicule, and disgrace. . . .
It may be taken as an axiom in the affairs of nations
that no usurper has ever seized upon the legislature of his
country until he has familiarized the people with the
possibility of so doing by vituperating and decrying it.
Denunciatory attacks upon the legislature have always
preceded ; slanderous abuse of the individuals composing it
has always accompanied a seizure by a despot of the leg
islative power of a country. V .
The House of Representatives has done its duty. We
has presented the facts in the constitutional manner ; we
have brought the criminal to your bar, and demand judg
ment at your hands for his so great crimes.
I speak, therefore, not the language of exaggeration, but
the words of truth and soberness, that the future political
welfare and liberties of all men hang trembling on the
decision of the hour.
APPENDIX. 269
II.
TESTIMONY IN THE IMPEACHMENT CASE.
GEORGE W. KARSENER, of Delaware, testified that he was
an old acquaintance of General Thomas, and that he saw
him, about the 7th of March, at a ball, and told him that
"the eyes of all Delaware" were upon him, and that he
would be expected to stand firm. General Thomas replied
that in a day or two he would "kick that fellow out; " by
which the witness thought he referred to Mr. Stanton.
William N. Hudson, editor of the " Cleveland Leader/ 7
testified to the general accuracy of the report made by him,
in connection with another reporter, of the speech made by
President Johnson in Cleveland on the 3d of September,
1866. The report made by this witness was made in long
hand, and he was subjected to a strict cross-examination as
to his ability to report correctly by that method. The
witness said that the President was frequently interrupted
by the ciders, hisses, and cries of the crowd during the
delivery of his speech.
23*
270 CASES OP WHINE.
III.
THE Washington correspondent of the "New York Her
ald," under date of April 8, 1868, gave the following copy
of a card issued by the Ku-Klux Klan, an ex-rebel secret
organization of impecunious political ruffians,
K. K. K. K. K. K.
GRAND ORDER OF DEO, DIV. 29.
Bloody month, cloudy moon.
Death ! Death ! to traitors !
"The negro must be eaten raw; blood and clotted gore,"
is our motto. * >". . . .
Our last day will come, then apostates and will die
to be bloody food for the Ku-Klux Klan.
We come ! We come ! The Ku-Klux Klan,
To avenge the wrongs of our fellow-man !
Fallen patriots ! Assemble at a dis mala halla nexta darka
moona.
I. P. G. G. C. K. K. K.
IV.
SPEECH OF JUDGE NELSON, OF TENNESSEE, FOR THE DEFENCE, IN THE
HIGH COURT OF IMPEACHMENT, THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 1808.
MR. CHIEF JUSTICE AND SENATORS: I have been en
gaged in the practice of my profession as a lawyer foi
last twenty years, and I have, in the course of my soi
what diversified professional life, argued cases involving
life, liberty, property, and character. I have prosecuted
and defended every species of crime known to law, from
APPENDIX. 271
murder in the first degree down to simple assault; but in
rising to address you to-day I feel that all the cases in which
I was ever concerned sink into comparative insignificance
when compared to this one; and a painful sense of the
magnitude of the case in which I am now engaged, and of
my inability to meet and to defend it as it should be defend
ed, oppresses me as I rise to address you. But I would
humbly invoke the Great Disposer of events to give me a
mind to conceive, a heart to feel, and a tongue to express
those words which should be proper and fitting on this "great
occasion.
If it is true, as is alleged, that the President is guilty
of all these things, if he be guilty of one tithe of the
offences which have been imputed to him in the opening
argument, and which have been iterated and reiterated in
the argument of yesterday and to-day, then I am willing
to confess that he is
" A monster of such frightful mien,
That to be hated needs but to be seen."
I am willing to admit that if he was guilty of any of the
charges which Have been made against him, he is not only
woxthy the censure of this Senate, but you should place
" A whip in every honest hand
To lash him naked through the land."
*
He should be pointed at everywhere as a monster to be
272 THE ANDY S MOUNTAINS.
banished from society, and his name should become a word
to frighten children with throughout the land from one end
to the other, and when any one should meet him or see
him,
" Each particular hair to stand on end,
Like quills upon a fretful porcupine."
If he was there, I agree that neither I nor those associ
ated with me can Defend him. But who is Andrew John
son? Who is this man that you have on trial now, and in
regard to whom the gaze, not only of "little Delaware,"
but of the whole Union, and of the civilized world, is di
rected at the present moment? Who is Andrew Johnson?
That is a question which but a few short years ago many
of those I now address could have answered with pleasure.
Who is Andrew Johnson? Go to the town of Greenville,
but a few short years ago a little village in the mountains
of East Tennessee, and you will see a poor boy entering
that village a stranger, without acquaintance or friends,
following an humble mechanical pursuit, scarcely able to
read, unable to write, but yet industrious in his profession,
honest and faithful in his dealings and having a mind such
as the God in heaven implanted in him, and which was
designed to be called into exercise and play before the
American people.
It is true that clouds and darkness gathered around him
for the moment, but they soon passed away and were for
gotten,
APPENDIX. 273
" Like some tall cliff that lifts its awful form,
Swells to the vale, and midway meets the storm,
Though round its breast the rolling clouds are spread,
Eternal sunshine settles on its head."
Etc., etc., etc.
Y.
DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, SATURDAY, MAY 2D, 1868, AS
REPORTED IN THE PAPERS OF THE DAY.
THE letter of Mr. Washburne having been read by the
clerk, Mr. Donnelly remarked that he was certainly justi
fied in the declarations he had made that the annals of
Congress presented no parallel to that letter, and he thought
he should establish that there were in that letter twenty-
three distinct statements which were twenty-three distinct
falsehoods. He should attempt to deal with them as rap
idly as possible. Mr. Donnelly went on to explain that he
had only received the draft of the bill on the 2d of March ;
that he had asked leave to introduce it on the 20th ; that
Mr. Washburne had objected; that he (Mr. Donnelly) had
then gone to Connecticut to aid the Republican party in the
canvass in that State. He expressed his belief that the
objection made by Mr. Washburne had sprung from per
sonal and malicious motives, and remarked that that
gentleman could not speak the truth when the truth would
best serve his purpose. Having referred to and examined
274 TU BRUTE-AL.
other points in Mr. Washburne s letter, Mr. Donnelly went
on to speak of Mr. Washburn, of Wisconsin, as " mousing
around in reference to some other bill.
The SPEAKER interrupted, and said that that was not
parliamentary language toward a member who was absent,
and who was not involved in the controversy.
Mr. DONNELLY said he would withdraw the remark.
Mr. WASHBURNE (rep.), of 111., expressed the hope that
the party would be allowed to go on.
Mr. DONNELLY, after passing from that point, referred
to the charge in Mr. Washburne s letter that his (Mr.
Donnelly s) opposition to the bill offered some time since
by Mr. Washburn, of Wisconsin, to reduce fares on the
Pacific Railroad might be attributed to the fact that he had
a free pass to ride over the road, and declared that he had
never ridden over a mile of the road, and did not expect to
until it was completed from the Mississippi to the Pacific.
It would be a consolation then to know that this mighty
work had been resisted and opposed by every blatant, loud-
voiced, big-breasted, small-headed, bitter-hearted dema
gogue in all the land. (Laughter on both sides of the
chamber.) Referring to the charge made against him in
Mr. Washburne s letter of his being an "official beggar,"
Mr. Donnelly said, " An official beggar! " and that from a
gentleman bearing the name which he does ! Et tu Brute!
" An official beggar! " Why, Mr. Speaker, when I entered
the State of Minnesota it was Democratic j when I entered
the country in which I live it was two to one Democratic.
APPENDIX. 275
I asked no office, I expected none. But the charge
comes from such a quarter that I cannot fail to notice it.
The gentleman s family are chronic office-beggars. They
are nothing if they are not in office. Out of office they
are miserable, wretched, God-forsaken, as uncomfortable
as that famous stump-tailed bull in fly-time. (Laughter.)
This whole trouble arises from the persistent determination
of one of the gentleman s family to sit in this body. Every
young male of the gentleman s family is born into the
world with " M. C." franked on his broadest part.
(Laughter.) The great calamity seems to be that God
in his infinite wisdom did not make any of them broad
enough to make room for " U. S. S." (Laughter.)
There was room for " U. S., J but the other S. slipped
over and " U. S. & Co." is the firm. (Laughter.)
The SPEAKER interrupted Mr. Donnelly and reminded
him that his language was beyond the usual limit of par
liamentary propriety.
Mr. WASHBURNB again expressed his desire that the
" party " should .be permitted to go on.
Mr. DONNELLY said he was sorry to transgress the
proper limits of debate, but the House would perceive that
the character of the letter on which he was commenting
made him speak under such feeling
He has lowered by his wholesale, reckless assaults on
the honor and character of the members the standard of this
body ; he has furnished arguments for the wit of Dan Rice ;
276 MUTUAL ADMIREATTON.
he has furnished substance for the slanders of the pothouse.
Mr. Speaker, I need enter into no defence of the Fortieth
Congress. In point of intellect, of devotion to the public
welfare, of integrity, of personal character, it will compare
favorably with any Congress- that ever sat since the foun
dation of the government. It is illustrated by names that
would do honor to any nation in any age of the world. If
there be in our midst one low, sordid, vulgar soul, - one
barren of mediocre intelligence, one heart callous to
every kindly sentiment and to every generous emotion,
one tongue leprous with slander, one mouth which is like
unto a den of foul beasts, giving forth deadly odors, if
there be here one character which, while blotched and
spotted, yet raves and rants, and blackguards like a
prostitute, if there be here one bold, bad, empty,
bellowing demagogue, it is the gentleman from Illi
nois. . . . . .
Mr. WASHBURNE said : During my entire time of ser
vice in this House I have never asked leave to make a
personal explanation, and I never expect to. The party
from Minnesota has had the letter which I wrote to a gen
tleman in that State read to the House, and it goes upon
the records of the House and on the records of the country,
and there it will remain for all time. Every assertion
made in that letter is true, and whoever says it is not true
states what is false. If I were called upon and I desire
only to say that if I, under any operation of circumstances,
APPENDIX. 277
were ever called upon, to make a personal explanation in
reply to a member, it would not be to a membe r who had
committed a crime ; it would not be to a member who had
run away ; it would not be to a member who had changed
his name ; it would not be to a member whose whole
record in this House is covered with venality, corruption,
and crime.
The SPEAKER reminded the gentleman that his remarks
were not parliamentary, etc., etc.
Finally, a committee was appointed to investigate tho
charges made in Mr. Washburne s letter, and Mr. Donnelly
informed the members, that, if it were not* unparliament
ary, he would ask them all to take a drink !
24
THE END.
GKLIBUIN".
A ROMANCE.
BY ORPHEUS C. KERB.
One volume. 8vo. Cloth, $1.75; or in paper covers, $1.50.
From the Round Table.
11 with all the highly-wrought interest of sensational fiction, yet with a
delicacy that remains unsullied by associations an inferior writer would have
avoided as the only means of preserving the purity of his pages, the story leads
us through a diversity of scenes which the keen observation and educated eye
of the artist alone could put before us the foibles of the nouveaux riches, of
the shopkeeping and political aristocracy of New York; the penetralia "of Bohe
mia, of the Albany lobby and the Five Points; of the theatres and newspaper
offices and gambling-hells of the city ; the parlors of refinement and wealth, and
of rich vulgarity ; vice in purple and tine linen about the green cloth, and vice
in squalor and nakedness in the groggeries of Cow Bay; knavery of high and
low degree a phantasmagoric view of metropolitan life, with such resources
of the incongruous, grotesque, and pitiful, of hilarity and tendeniess, as even
Mr. Dickens has not more strikingly merged. And it is difficult to determine
wherein the author s power is greatest. His constructive skill, his dramatic
.effect, his satirical insight, his fervid descriptions of scenes of grandeur and of
horror, his humor, wit. pathos, the depths of passion, of sympathy, even of
tenderness t the comm nation of these attests a more universal genius, a larger
nature, than we supposed was to be found among American novelists."
. . . It is the work of a ripe intellect, and to it the author has given his ma-
turest powers, and his long, unwearied labor. We welcome it to a high place in our
permanent literature, and recognize it as one of the very ablest novels that the
last decade has produced. N. Y. Citizen.
. . . We have determined to read it, for the reason that no " puff " of the
book has yet appeared in print, notwithstanding the fact that the author s posi
tion as a journalist aiibrds him unusual opportunites for securing favorable men
tion of his book by the press. N. Y. Com. Advertiser.
... In some parts it is worthy of Dickens, or Wilkie Collins, or of An
thony Trollope. Memphis Avalanche.
... As a satirist, the author reminds us of Addison. His satire is keen
without malevolence, and witty without spleen. As an interpreter of the lan
guage of action, tone, and gesture, he is equalled only by Dickens. Rochester
Union.
... To Mr. Newel (Orpheus C. Kerr) we unhesitatingly accord a_ place
second to no other American novelist, and there are few upon the other side of
the water who in one work of fiction have displayed a more marvellous and ver
satile genius. Lafayette(lnd.) Courier.
. . . The scene in the chamber of the dying Bohemian, Le Mons, where the
old Atheist, unable to pray, gives vent to his agonized feelings in a feeble at
tempt to trill out a few lines of a hymn possibly the last fleeting reminiscence
of an innocent childhood and his fellow Bohemians, one with a dog on his
lap, another with a violin in his fingers, and a third with a pack of cards half out
of his pocket, humbly and solemnly joining in the strain has for depth of feel
ing and grotesqueness scarce an equal in the whole range of English literature.
Trubner s (London} Literary llecord.
%* This book is sold everywhere, and will be sent by mail, postage free,
on receipt of price, $2.00.
G. W. CAKIjETON, Publisher,
497 BROADWAY, NEW YOKK.
THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
FIRST, SECOND, JLND THIRD SERIES.
3 VOLS. 12MO. CLOTH. PRICE $1.50 EACH.
These inimitable specimens of American Wit and Humor may be
justly spoken of as world-renowned ; for, in addition to their sale of
upwards of fifty thousand copies in this country, there have been no less
than four rival editions of them published in England. The following
extracts from genuine criticisms show that the " PAPERS " enjoy the
hearty commendation of the highest critical authorities in either country.
From the London Athenaeum, in a three-column review..
"We opened his ( Orpheus C. Kerr s ) volume with some misgiving, some
dread le-jfc wrong should be done to the honest who survived, or the brave who
have gone down on either side in the great American struggle. "We speedily,
however, found ourselves reassured. Mr. Newell has, perhaps, an occasional
hard hit at the- Southerners; but, taken altogether, he is pretty impartial, and
scatters his jokes wherever he finds anything that can justify him in flinging
them about. The weaknesses, follies, eccentricities, blunderings and vices of
human nature, as exhibited by the smaller men in the late great struggle, are
fair game for him, and probably no men will laugh more sincerely than those at
whom Mr. Newell laughs most loudly himself. In short, he makes mirth out
of that which affords so much food for mirth, in similar circumstances, here at
home For prose, rhymes, parodies, and some good common
sense uttered under the mask of satire, this volume may be commended to the
notice of all holiday-makers this Christmas tide."
. . . The great success of the volumes of burlesque war-correspondence by
" Orpheus C. Kerr (Robert H. Newell) has placed him at the head of American
humorists. Yet it would be doing him injustice to consider him as a niere
jester. He is, rather, a keen satirist, who uses wit as the means of giving
greater force to criticisms just and needful, and wider currency to thoughts or
weight and value. New York Independent.
... He seizes the acme of the ludicrous as directly as Crockett himself.
Round Table.
. . . The writer of the " Orpheus C. Kerr Papers" has struck an original
vein of humor, and works it with decided effect. New York Evening Post.
. . . The reader enjoys the vein of the author with a feeling akin to that
with which the public revelled in the Pickwick Papers when they first ap
peared. Wiikes* Spirit.
. . . We have laughed over some of Orpheus s letters until our sides ached
with the pleasant emotion. Their wit and humor were so original and racy, and
their broad burlesque so queer and good-natured, that we laughed even when we
wished to be sober and serious. Providence Journal.
. . . This humorous historian of the War ranks highest amongst the wits
and satirists of America, and, since Thackeray died, has no living rival in the
realm of English humorous literature. California Golden Era.
. . . It is noticeable, too, that this author s eccentricities never degenerate
into " slang; " his wit is always that of a scholar, and his satire that of a gen
tleman. New York Leader.
. . . They (the " Papers ") stir one up as carbonic acid gas will. They
pull our sides out into jovial convexity. Muwaukie Sentinel.
. . . Although they take a professedly comic view of men and things, the
reader will detect an undercurrent of deep thought and even sorrowful reflection
on the great events of the day, which render them particularly attractive and
suggestive. New York Sun.
. . . Among the good effects of the late war in America is the intercourse
social and intellectual which it has promoted between the United States
and England. This is abundantly proved by the quantity of American books of
humor for the most part in blazing red or yellow covers which stare us in
the face in all the booksellers windows. Some are good ; some bad. The good
ones including the " Bigelow Papers, "the " Autocratof the Breakfast Table,"
Artemus Ward, and the "Orpheus C. Kerr Papers" are very good. London
Star. " Literature of 1865."
*** These books are sold everywhere, and will be sent by mail,
postage free, on receipt of price, $1.50, by
G. W. CARLETON, Publisher,
497 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
A Catalogue of
BOOKS
ISSUED BY
CARLETON,
NEW YOKK.
There is a kind of physiognomy in ike titles
of books no less than in the faces of
men, by which a skilful observer
will know as well what to ex
pect from the one as the
other." BUTLER.
NEW BOOKS
And New Editions Recently Published by
CARLETON, Publisher,
NEW YORK.
N.B. THB PUBLISHERS, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send any of
the following Books by mail, POSTAGE FBEK, to any part of the United States.
This convenient and very safe mode may be adopted when the neighboring Book
Belters are not supplied with the desired work. State name and address in full.
Victor Hugo.
LES MISERABLES. The celebrated novel. One large 8vo vol
ume, paper covers, $2.00 ; . . . doth bound, $2.50
LES MISERABLES. In the Spanish language. Fine 8vo. edition,
two vols., paper covers, $4.00 ; . . cloth bound, $5.00
JARGAL. A new novel. Illustrated. . I2mo cloth, $1.75
THE LIFE OF VICTOR HUGO.; By himself. . 8vo. cloth, $1.75
IVIiss JHulocli.
*OHN HALIFAX. A novel. With illustration. I2mo. cloth, $1.75
A LIFE FOR A LIFE. . do. do. $1-75
Charlotte Bronte (Currer Bell).
JANE EYRE. A novel. With illustration. I2mo. cloth, $1.75
THE PROFESSOR. do. - . do. . do. $i-7S
SHIRLEY. . do. . do. . do. $i-75
VILLETTE. . do. . do. . do. $i-75
Hand-Books of Society.
THE HABITS OF GOOD SOCIETY ; with thoughts, hints, and
anecdotes, concerning^nice points of taste, good manners,
and the art of making~bneself agreeable. The most enter
taining work of the kind. . . . I2mo. cloth, $1.75
THE ART OF CONVERSATION. With directions for self-culture.
A sensible and instructive work, that ought to be in the
hands of every one who wishes to be eithei an agreeable
talker or listener. .... I2mo. cloth, $1.50
THE ART OF AMUSING. Graceful arts, games, tricks, and char
ades, intended to amuse everybody. With suggestions for
private theatricals, tableaux, parlor and family amusements.
Nearly 150 illustrative pictures. .. I2mo. cloth, $2.00
Robinson Crusoe.
A handsome illustrated edition, complete. I2mo. cloth, $i 50
4 LIST OF BOOKS PUBLISHED
Mrs. Mary J. Holmes Works.
LBNA RIVERS. . . .
A novel. I2mo. cloth,
$1.50
DARKNESS AND DAYLIGHT. " ,
do.
do. .
$1.50
TEMPEST AND SUNSHINE.
do. ;
do. .
$1.50
MARIAN GREY. ! . . --. ,.; *V
do.
do. .
$1.50
MEADOW BROOK. . ? . .
do.
do. .
$1.50
ENGLISH ORPHANS. - ..
do. v.:
do. .
$1.50
DORA DEANE. . . e
do. V
do. .
$1.50
COUSIN MAUDE.
do.
do. .
$1.50
HOMESTEAD ON THE HILLSIDE.
do.
do. .
$1.50
HUGH WORTHINGTON.
do.
do. .
$1.50
THE CAMERON PRIDE.
do.
do. ..
$1.50
ROSE MATHER. Just Published.
do. .
do. .
$1.50
Miss Augusta J. Evans.
BEULAH. A novel of great power. . I2mo. cloth, $1.75
MACARIA. do. do. . do. . $i.7S
ST. ELMO. do. do. Just Published, do. . $2.00
By the Author of " Rutledge."
RUTLEDGE. A deeply interesting novel. I2mo. cloth, $1.75
THE SUTHERLANDS. do. . do. . $1-75
FRANK WARRINGTON. do. . . do. . $1-75
ST. PHILIP S. do. . . do. . $1.75
LOUIE S LAST TERM AT ST. MARY S. . do. . $1-75
KOUNDHEARTS AND OTHER STORIES. For children, do. . $1.75
A ROSARY FOR LENT. Devotional Readings. . do. . $1.75
Captain Mayne Reid s Works Illustrated.
THE SCALP HUNTERS. A romance. I2mo. cloth, $1.75
THE RIFLE RANGERS. . do. .. do. . $1-75
THE TIGER HUNTER. . do. . do. . $1.75
OSCEOLA, THE SEMINOLE. . do. . do. . $1-75
THE WAR TRAIL. . . do. . do . $1-75
THE HUNTER S FEAST. . do. . do. . $1.75
RANGERS AND REGULATORS. do. .... do. . $1-75
THE WHITE CHIEF. . . do. ."." do. . $1-75
THE QUADROON. " . . do. . . do. . $1-75
THE WILD HUNTRESS. . do. . do. . $1-75
THE WOOD RANGERS. . do. .. do. . $1-75
WILDLIFE. . \. . d6. . do. . $1-75
THE MAROON. . , . .:. .. do.- /. do. . $i-75
LOST LEONORE. " ". do. . do. . $1-75
THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN. do. . do." . $1-75
THE WHITE GAUNTLET. Just Published. do. . $i-75
BY CARLE TON, PUBLISHER, XEW YORK.
I2ino. cloth,
$i.5
do.
$1.50
do.
$1.50
do.
$1.50
do.
$1.50
do.
$1.50
do.
.$1.5
do.
$1.50
do.
$1.50
do.
$1.50
do.
$1.50
A. S. Roe s*Works.
A LONG LOOK AHEAD. A novel.
TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. do. .
TIME AND TIDE. do. ...
I VE. BEEN THINKING. do. .
THE STAR AND THE CLOUD; do. . .
TRUE TO THE LAST, do. .
HOW COULD HE HELP IT ? do. .
LIKE AND UNLIKE. do. .
LOOKING AROUND. do. .
WOMAN OUR ANGEL. do. .
THE CLOUD ON THE HEART. Just Published.
Orpheus C. Kerr.
THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS. Three VOls. I2mO. cloth, $1.5
SMOKED GLASS. New comic book. Illustrated. do. $1.50
AVERY GLIBUN. A powerful new novel. 8vo. cloth, $2.00
Richard B. Kimball.
WAS HE SUCCESSFUL? A novel. I2mo. cloth, $1.75
UNDERCURRENTS. do. . . do. $1-75
BAINT LEGER. do. . . do. $1-75
ROMANCE OF STUDENT LIFE. do. . . " do. $1-75
IN THE TROPICS. do. . . do. $ r -75
HENRY POWERS, Banker. Just Published. do. $1-75
Comic Books Illustrated.
ARTEMUS WARD, His Book. Letters, etc. I2mo. cl., $1.50
DO. His Travels Mormons, etc. do. $1.50
. DO. In London. Punch Letters. do. $1.50
JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE, and other things. do. $1.50
DO. His Book of Proverbs, etc. do. $1.50
WIDOW SPRIGGINS. By author " Widow Bedott." do. $i-75
FOLLY AS IT FLIES. By Fanny Fern. . . do. $1-5
CORRY O LANUS. His views and opinions. . do. $1.50
VERDANT GREEN. A racy English college story, do. $1.50
CONDENSED NOVELS, ETC. By F. Bret Harte. do. $1.50
THE SQUIBOB PAPERS. By John Phoenix. . do. $1.50
MILES O REILLY. His Book of Adventures. . do. $1.50
DO. Baked Meats, etc. . do. $i-75
" Brick " Pomeroy.
SENSE. An illustrated vol. of fireside musings. I2mo. cl., $1.50
NONSENSE. do. do. comic sketches. do. $1.50
Joseph Rodman Drake.
THE CULPRIT FAY. A faery poem. . . I2mo. cloth, $1.25
THE CULPRIT FAY. An illustrated edition. 100 exquisite illus
trations. . . 4to., beautifully printed and bound. $5.00
LIST OF -BOOKS PUBLISHED
New American Novels.
TEMPLE HOUSE. By Mrs. Elizabeth Stoddard. I2mo. cl., $1.75
THE BISHOP S SON. By Alice Gary. . . do. $i-75
BEAUSKINCOURT. By Mrs. C. A. Warfield. . do. $1.75
HOUSEHOLD OF BOUVKRLE. do. do. . do. $2.OO
HELEN COURTENAY. By author " Vernon Grove." do. $i -75
PECULIAR. By Epes Sargent. . . . do. $i-75
VANQUISHED. By Miss Agnes Leonard. . do. $i-75
FOUR OAKS. By Kamba Thorpe. . . , do $i-75
MALBROOK. In press. . . . . . do. $1.75
M. Ulichelet s Remarkable Works.
LOVE (L AMOUR). Translated from the French. I2mo. cl., $1.50
WOMAN (LA FEMME). . do. . . do. $i."?c
Ernest Rcnau.
THE LIFE OF JESUS. Translated from the French. I2mo.cl.,$i.75
THE APOSTLES. . -. do. . . do. fl-75
Popular Italian Novels.
DOCTOR ANTONIO. A love story. By Ruffini. I2mo. cl., $1.75
BEATRICE CEXCI. By Guerrazzi, with portrait.. do. $i-75
Rev. John dimming, D.D., of London.
THE GREAT TRIBULATION. TwO Series. I2mO. cloth, $1.50
THE GREAT PREPARATION. do. . do. $1-5O
THE GREAT CONSUMMATION. do. . do. $1-50
THE LAST WARNING CRY. . ". do. $I-5O
Mrs. Ritchie (Anna Cora Mowatt).
FAIRY FINGERS. A capital new novel. . I2mo. cloth, $1.75
THE MUTE SINGER. do. . do. $1-75
THE CLERGYMAN S WIFE and other stories. do. . $1.75
Jtlotlier Goose for Grown Folks.
HUMOROUS RHYMES for grown people. . I2mo. cloth, i .25
T. S. Arthur s New Works.
LIGHT ON SHADOWED PATHS. A novel. I2mO. cloth, $1.50
OUT IN THE WORLD. . d<> . do. $I-5O
NOTHING BUT MONEY. . do. . . do. $15
WHAT CAME AFTERWARDS. do. . . do. $I-5O
OUR NEIGHBORS. . do. . . do. $1.5<3
Ne\v English Novels.
WOMAN S STRATEGY. Beautifully illustrated. I2mo. cloth, $1.53
BEYMINSTRE. By a popular author. . do. $1-75
." RECOMMENDED TO MERCY." do. . . do. $1-75
WYLDER S HAND. By Sheridan Le Fanu. do. $ -75
HOUSE BY THE CHURCHYARD. do. . do. $ -75
BY O. W. (MRLETON & CO. 1
. Edmund Kirko.
AMONG THE PINES. Or Life in the South. I2mo. cloth, $1.50
MY SOUTHERN FRIENDS. do. . .. do. $I.$0
DOWN IN TENNESSEE. do. . . do. $l-$Q
ADRIFT IN DIXIE. do. . . do. $1.50
AMONG THE GUERILLAS. do. . . do. $I.$Q
diaries Keade.
THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH. A magnificent new novel
the best this author ever wrote. . 8vo. cloth, $2.00
The Opera.
TALES FROM THE OPERAS. A collection of clever stories, based
upon the plots of all the famous operas. I2mo. cloth, $1.50
Robert B. Roosevelt.
THE GAME-FISH OF THE NORTH. Illustrated. I21HO. cloth, $2.OO
SUPERIOR FISHING. do. do. $2.OO
THE GAME-BIRDS OF THE NORTH. . . do. $2.OO
Hiuton Io\vaii Helper.
THE IMPENDING CRISIS OF THE SOUTH. . I2mO. cloth, $2.OO
NOJOQUE. A Question for a Continent. . do. $2.00
Henry Morford.
PARIS IN 67. Sketches of travel. . I2mo. cloth, $1.75
From the German.
WILL-O -THE-WISP. A beautiful child s book. I2mo. cl, $1.50
The City of Richmond.
RICHMOND DURING THE WAR. By a lady. I2mo. cloth, $1.75
Dr. J. J. Craven.
THE PRISON-LIFE OF JEFFERSON DAVIS. Incidents and conversa
tions during his captivity at Fortress Monroe. I2mo.cl.,$2.oo
Captain Raphael Semmes.
THE CRUISE OF THE ALABAMA AND SUMTER. I2niO. cloth, $2.OO
John S. Ulosby.
HIS LIFE AND EXPLOITS IN THE WAR. With portraits, do. $i-75
"Walter Barrett, Clerk.
THE OLD MERCHANTS OF NEW YORK. Personal incidents,
sketches, bits of biography, and events in the life of leading
merchants in New York City. Four series. I2mo. cl., $1.75
Madame Octavia Walton L,e Vert.
BOUTENIRS OF TRAVEL. New edition. Large I2mo. cloth, $2,00
. H. T. Sperry.
COUNTRY LOVE vs. CITY FLIRTATION. A capital new Society tale,
with 20 superb illustrations by Hoppin. izmo. cloth, $2.0*
8 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY C^RLETON, NEW YORK.
Miscellaneous "Works.
MADEMOISELLE MERQUEM. By George Sand. I2mo. cl., $1.75
LOVE IN LETTERS. A fascinating collection. do. $2.00
A BOOK ABOUT LAWYERS. From London edition, do. $2.00
LAUS VENERIS. Poems by Algernon Swinburne, do. $i-75
OUB ARTIST IN CUBA. By Geo. W. Carleton. do. $1.50
OUR ARTIST IN PERU. do. do. do. $I-5O
HOW TO MAKE MONEY, and How to Keep It. do. Jtl*|O
FAIRFAX. A novel. By John Esten Cooke. do. $1.75
BILT TO HILT. do. do. do. $i-7S
THE LOST CAUSE REGAINED. By Edw. A. Pollard, do. $1.50
MARY BRAXDEGEE. A novel. By Cuyler Pine. do. $1.75
RENSHAWE. do. do. do. $i-75
THE SHENANDOAH. History of the Conf. steamer, do. $1.50
MEMORIALS OF JUNius BRUTUS BOOTH. (The Elder.) do. $1.50
MOUNT CALVARY. By Matthew Hale Smith. do. $2.00
LOVE-LIFE OF DR. E. K. KANE AND MARGARET FOX. do. $ J -75
BALLADS. By the author of" Barbara s History." do. $1.50
MAN, and the Conditions that Surround Him. do. $1.75
PROMETHEUS IN ATLANTIS.; A prophecy. . do. $2.00
TITAN AGOXISTES. An American novel. . do. $2.00
PULPIT PUNGENCIES. Witticisms from the Pulpit, do. $1.75
CHOLERA. A handbook on its treatment and cure. do. $1.00
ALICE OF MONMOUTH. By Edmund C. Stedman. do. $1.25
NOTES ox SHAKSPEARE. By Jas. H. Hackett. do. $1.50
THEMOXTAXAS. A novel. By Mrs. S. J. Hancock..do. $1-75
PASTIMES WITH LITTLE FRiEXDS. Martha H. Butt do. $1.50
LIFE OF JAMES STEPHENS. Fenian Head-Centre, do. $1.00
POEMS. By Gay H. Naramore. . . . do. $1.50
GOMERY OF MONTGOMERY. By C. A. Washburn. do. $2.00
POEMS. By Mrs. Sarah T. Bolton. . . do. $1.50
CENTEOLA. By author " Green Mountain Boys." do. $1.50
RED-TAPE AND PIGEON-HOLE GENERALS . do. $I-5O
TREATISE ON DEAFNESS. By Dr. E. B. Lighthill. do. $1.50
AROUND THE PYRAMIDS. By Gen. Aaron Ward. do. $1.50
CHINA AND THE CHINESE. By W. L. G. Smith. do. $1.50
EDGAR POE AND HIS CRITICS. By Mrs. Whitman, do. $1.00
MARRIED OFF. An Illustrated Satirical Poem. do. 50 cts.
THE RUSSIAN BALL. do. . do. do. do. 50 CtS.
THE SNOBLACE BALL. do. do. do. do. 50 CtS.
THE CITY S HEART. do. do. do. do. $1.00
POEMS. By Mrs. Virginia Quarles. . . do. $1.00
AN ANSWER TO HUGH MILLER. By T. A. Davies. do. $i-5o
COSMOGONY. By Thomas A. Davies. . 8vo. $2.00
RURAL ARCHITECTURE. By M. Field. Illustrated, do. $2.00
U.C. BERKELEY LIBRARIES
CD31fil375S
M67480
THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY
