814
H86SOC
1913
TONGUE
BY
ELEEPTT HVHHRRk
(FRH ELBERTV^)
THE ROY^ROFTER?
EH5T Hl/RORFl ERIE TOl/hTY n.Y
HISTORICAL-SONET
SO THIS THEN IS THE
PREACHMENT
ENTITLED
CHICAGO
TONGUE
AS WRITTEN BY
FRA ELBERTUS
AND DONE INTO PRINT BY
THE ROYCROFTERS
AT THEIR SHOP, WHICH IS IN
EAST AURORA
NEW YORK
Copyright, 1913
By Elbeti HubbaiJ
Pallabe of Beab &nocfeerg
fltj/ vftCichael %Conahan
( V
Nemo me impune lacessil: ' 'No one hammers me with impunity.
Now this was the Chant I heard them rant
When a sudden coolness slid
Down Hell's concave, and a solace gave
To each gentleman on his grid.
From each sprite in bale came a gruesome wail,
As the madd'ning chorus spread;
And they sang a song that was loud and long
The Ballade of Knockers dead.
"Oho for the Hand that 's light and bland
The Hammer to swing, sans fear,
On the Cerebrum or the Tympanum
Or the Knot behind the Ear !
Not a wound shall tell how the thing befell,
When the whimpering Soul has fled,
And the crowner's quest shall guess the rest-
Here chortled the Knockers dead.
*T is a delicate joy and a sweet employ
To rive the Fool from his breath,
But a finer Art than the Thugs impart
Was ours, and the Second Death !
For the Game we stalked in freedom walked,
Nor dreamed that his pathway led
To the coup de grace that leaves no trace
Hurrah for us Knockers dead !
For this is the Work that none may shirk,
And thus does the sentence run,
That One shall believe and One deceive
'Till the human web be spun.
Yea, a man shall smile, heart-free from guile,
On him who his life may shed;
Nor shall he say Nay, though the Slayer slay "
Applause from the Knockers dead.
And many 's the Wight on earth tonight
That sleeps without a fear
For his Cerebrum or his Tympanum
Or the Knot behind the Ear.
But well we know when the mystic blow
From the Hammer's helve is sped ;
And the exquisite Jest brings balm and rest
To the Souls of the Knockers dead.
"Let the worldling sing of an idle thing,
The faith of the marriage-tie :
And the Dotard bland of the gentle hand
He will clasp till Death come nigh
But the Kiss that kills and the hand that stills
The Fool in a sleep of lead,
Are doing their work sans let or shirk
Ho! ho!" laughed the Knockers dead.
"But of all that fall 'neath the silent Mall-
A number that knows no end
The spiciest draught our souls have quaffed
Is the Friend unto his Friend !
He leadeth him on till doubt be gone
And love hath his bosom fed,
Then he yerketh him here behind the Ear!'*
Loud yammered the Knockers dead.
So this was the Chant I heard them rant
When a sudden coolness slid
Down Hell's hot spine, like a healing wine
To each gentleman on his grid.
And I knew in sooth they had sung the truth,
Though I shrank from its meaning dread -
That Knockers are most till they yield the ghost,
And the rest are Knockers dead !
Arise, my God, and strike, for we hold Thee just,
Strike dead the whole weak race of venomous worms
That sting each other here in the dust.
Tennyson.
ILLIAM T. STEAD once
wrote some things about
Chicago. Some of the items
he penned were not wholly
complimentary. The intense
activity of the place, in the
opinion of Mr. Stead, had
evolved a certain impatience and often an
ungenerous quality of mind that revealed
itself in heresy-trials, divorce-mills, political
fights where aldermen defied judges, judges
defied the legislature, and legislators in turn
challenged the governors. To the English vis-
itor the newspapers were unnecessarily busy
with charges, accusations and indictments,
CHICAGO TONGUE
and everywhere, even in parlors, scandal,
defamation and vituperation seemed to
abound.
"Chicago averages a murder a day, not
counting all those who are done to death
by Chicago Tongue," said Mr. Stead.
Israel Zangwill, countryman and friend of
Mr. Stead, visiting Chicago some time after,
was escorted about the city by a Committee
to See the Sights. Among other places of
interest he was taken to the Stockyards,
where luncheon was served for the party.
During the meal a Pert Miss, seated next to
the guest of honor, asked him this question :
"Mr. Zangwill, how do you like Chicago
Ham?"
The Dreamer of the Ghetto raised his sor-
rowful face and quietly said, "I like it, I like
it much better than Chicago Tongue!"
[10]
CHICAGO TONGUE
A thousand years before Christ, Solomon
said some wholesome truths about this
matter of Tongue. It is doubtful whether
he had any prophetic vision of the Chicago
article, and really there is no proof that
Chicago Tongue is any worse than any other
brand; but let it stand as the type of a Bad
Thing.
A tragic, though perhaps not remarkable,
case of Chicago Tongue came to my atten-
tion a few years ago 5$ It seems that a
good-natured and somewhat talkative man
remarked in a little Bohemian company that
a certain artist, known to those present, wore
trousers that bagged beautifully at the knee.
J A man and a woman in the party, who
had a well-defined case of artistic jeal-
ousy toward the voluble man, repeated
the remark to the artist who was re-
[in
CHICAGO TONGUE
ferred to. The woman repeated the
remark in the morning, and the little
artist, of a sensitive and gentle type, with no
capacity for horseplay, was just a trifle
nettled. And when the man told him the
same thing, with varying accent and in-
flection, in the afternoon, the matter took
on a rather serious shape. A few days after,
the artist met the gossipy woman again, and
he questioned her as to what had been
said. She repeated the remark about Pants,
with gesticulations, genuflexions, shrugs and
curves; and wishing to prove her friendship,
warned the artist to be on his guard against
those who were trying to unhorse him.
The more the artist thought of the matter,
the more sure he was that this remark
about his raiment really meant that he was
a man devoid of taste, lacking in refinement
[12]
C H I C A G O T O N CUE
if not decency, and totally unfit to associate
with ladies and gentlemen. Each time he
met his alleged friends they pumped the
poison into him. The matter preyed upon
the man's mind until he could neither eat,
sleep nor work. He sought out his traducer,
insulted him openly, and got himself well
chastised. His violence lost him his position,
and a long season of dissipation and idle-
ness followed, with golden moments lost
and lost forever. The last I heard of the man
and woman who had so unwittingly com-
bined to work the ruin of their friend, they
had turned on each other and were rending
reputations to ragtime.
tj[ The incident just mentioned sounds like
an extreme case, but I hardly think it is, for
the mischief-makers are at work in a similar
way on every hand. Should the Angel
[13]
CHICAGO TONGUE
Gabriel come to me and in a confidential
undertone declare that a certain man, any
man or any angel, was a vilifier of truth, a snare
to the innocent, a pilferer, a sneak, a robber
of graveyards, I would say: "Gabriel, you
are troubled with incipient paranoia I do
not believe a word of what you say. The man
you mention may not be a saint, but he is
probably just as good as you or I. In fact,
1 think he must be very much like you, for
we are never interested in either a person or
a thing that does not bear some direct rela-
tionship to ourselves. Then, Gabriel, do you
not remember the words of Bishop Begum,
who said that no man applies an epithet to
another that can not with equal truth be
applied to himself?"
When we remember that hoarse, guttural
cry of "Away with him away with him!*'
[H]
CHICAGO TO N CUE
and when we recall that some of the best
and noblest men who have ever lived have
been reviled and traduced, indicted and ex-
ecuted, by so-called good men certainly
men who were sincere how can we open
our hearts to the tales of discredit told of
any man? The Billingsgate Calendar has
been exhausted in attempts to describe
Walt Whitman, and the lexicon of abuse
has been used to hammer the heads of such
men as Richard Wagner, Victor Hugo,
Count Tolstoy and William Morris. Know-
ing these things, as every one does, shall we
imitate folly, accept concrete absurdity for
our counsel and guide, and take stock in
Chicago Tongue?
The entire Salem Witchcraft insanity was
nothing but a bad case of Chicago Tongue.
Much of the martyrdom and bloodshed of
[15]
CHICAGO TONGUE
the past can be traced directly to the same
cause * Nations have gone to war because
some princeling has charged that a King
stuck his tongue in his cheek and bit his
thumb when another King was mentioned
nothing but Chicago Tongue !
Do not deceive yourself with the vain
thought that women hold a monopoly on
Chicago Tongue men set them a pace in this
direction that they can never hope to equal.
The gossip of women is usually of a pattypan
order, and childishly inconsequential com-
pared with that of men.
One peculiarity of Chicago ffongue is that
when it is passed along from one person to
another it takes on ptomains. The original
remark, uttered in a certain circle, may have
been utterly devoid of poison; but when the
repetition comes, in a different atmosphere,
[16]
CHICAGO TONGUE
to different hearers, told by another man,
the wit that once disinfected the thing is
gone, and we have only dead, stale, tainted,
unprofitable Chicago Tongue. And so you
see how a person who repeats an unkind
remark is probably doing a much greater
mischief than the one who first voiced it.
The man who repeats the story, and thus
retails the poison, fails to supply the anti-
dote. Let his name be anathema.
The basic principle of Chicago Tongue is
jealousy. Jealousy is a social cancer, and
grows by what it feeds upon. And its only
food is Chicago Tongue the more tainted
the better.
I once knew three intelligent men who
started giving one another small doses of
Chicago Tongue, just by way of banter. The
doses were increased, and in a short time all
[17]
CHICAGO TONGUE
three began really to believe the stories they
had been telling about a particular man of
whom they were all more or less jealous.
The cancer grew worse the poison was at
work the trio held meetings behind locked
doors to devise a way by which they could
rid themselves of the supposed enemy. As-
sault and even murder were on their pro-
posed program. They were wild, mad, stark,
staring crazy on Chicago Tongue.
Luckily, a sane man discovered them in
time, rapped them all vigorously over the
head, separated them one from the other so
they could no longer infect one another and
pool their poison. Had this separation not
been brought about, they surely would have
all run down a steep place into the sea and
been drowned, as was that herd of swine in
the story, when the devils took the rudder.
[18]
CHICAGO TONGUE
CJ If you are a man, beware how you let
any devil get possession of your thinking
apparatus. All devils use Chicago Tongue
as bait. In way of strictest justice, though, it
must be admitted that the dealers in Chicago
Tongue are often innocent of wrong intent
that is, they do not know it is loaded. And
when the boomerang comes back they are
so surprised and grieved, and hurt! and they
lift their hands in innocence and assume the
pose of martyrdom.
Every large newspaper-office is the scene of
a seething discontent. Peace is never de-
clared war reigns eternally. The public
probably knows nothing of these plottings,
counterplottings, curses, revilings, jealousies.
The trouble is under the surface, just as
much as are the loves, jealousies and heart-
aches Below-Stairs. The impassive face of
[19]
CHICAGO TONGUE
Jeems, as he stands behind his master's chair,
tells no tales.
It is the business of Jeems to see nothing
and everything to hear nothing and repeat
nothing. This if he is an artist in his line, for
woe is Jeems if he brings the troubles of
Below-Stairs to his master's ears, hoping
thereby to find favor. For we hate the man
who brings us trouble. In the olden time the
messenger who brought tidings of disaster
paid for his temerity with his head. On the
other hand, blessed are the feet of him who
bringeth glad tidings; he shall be rewarded
with a necklace of gold, and he shall choose
for his own from the fairest daughters of
earth.
fl 1 have spoken of the constant friction,
faction and fight that exist in every newspa-
per-office. The truth of this is classic, but the
[20]
CHICAGO TONGUE
Underground Fight is everywhere where
many men are gathered together in a like
occupation. The Army is a hotbed of gossip.
The Church is just as bad, and if a history of
ecclesiastical rancor were written it would
reveal an inferno of hate. And then the Sons
of /Esculapius every blessed one of them
carries two or three hammers in his kipsy,
this besides the one he has constantly in
use. In fact, the Sons have formed them-
selves into one gigantic orchestra, and the
only piece they play is the Anvil Chorus.
J Newspaper-offices are mentioned because
there the pot seems to seethe and boil and
spit with greatest glee. Hate, jealousy and
rage continually feed the flame. Possibly the
reason the fires of strife are never banked in a
newspaper-office is because the men work
under an intense nervous pressure. There is
[21]
CHICAGO TONGUE
hot haste, and broken hours of rest, and
always stimulants in way of tobacco, drink
and drugs. Hence there are sharp answers,
snubbings, marble faces, icy hands and bit-
ter hearts; for despondency follows fast
where good-cheer is reinforced with drink.
Then beside, three-fourths of the matter
printed in the average daily paper is a rec-
ord of strife, and the workers become
imbued with it. When a young man goes
into a metropolitan newspaper-office as a
reporter, he is given a table among forty
other tables, where men with hats over
their eyes write in feverish haste. Possibly
here and there are men sitting in idleness
with feet on the table. These men have
done their tasks for the day and are watch-
ing the clock, waiting for the hour when
they are allowed to leave. Our new man not
[22]
CHICAGO TONGUE
having much to do, gets to talking with one
of these idlers they go out together to get
a drink. At the bar are other young men,
and these are pointed out by the new-found
friend, and jerky scraps of their history
given, which seem to cover every crime in
the calendar, and every phase of iniquity
that brutish beings could devise. These so-
called rogues are employees of the same
concern that employs the Glib Informer.
The Greenhorn remarks that they do not
look so bad as that, and then he is reassured
by facts and dates, and times and places.
Should the Greenhorn stick to his new
friend, he is quickly introduced into a clique
and becomes a part of the hate and jealousy
and cruel bickering of the place. He is
pushed this way and that by those with
stronger minds or more experience takes
[23]
part in plottings to oust certain men, not
fully knowing why, and in a few months
a year perhaps gets the Blue Envelope
himself. He does not realize why he should
be discharged, because he is not aware that
hate and jealousy have inoculated his mind,
and these things are beginning to reveal
themselves in his work. The life of a man in
any one metropolitan newspaper-office is
very short. A year, say, is about the limit,
when out he goes, penniless, to look for
another job.
Should any man hold his place for two years
or more, it is because he has religiously
avoided mixing in factions; he has lent his
ear to no plots ; listened to no scandal ; bore no
bad news; gloried in no man's downfall.
And when you find a veteran like, say,
Chester S. Lord of The Sun, you know
[24]
CHICAGO TONGUE
him to be a man who is above all idle gos-
sip, bickering, quibbling and jealousy who
takes no part in schemes and plots, and
who will not harken to them in others. The
man who can not enjoy a good position
without plotting to dislodge some one else,
is laying a fuse that will cause himself to be
lifted into space very shortly.
A ludicro-tragic feature of Chicago Tongue
is that those who deal in it most, always are
full of grievances and wails because, they
allege, other folks are talking about them.
Indeed, this is their excuse for the constant
use of the hammer that some one is
"knocking on them.'* They mistake the
sound of their own hammers for that of others.
Any man who plots another's undoing is
digging his own grave. Every politician who
voices innuendoes, and hints of base wrong
[25]
C H 1CAGO TONGUE
about a rival, is blackening his own charac-
ter. For a time he may seem to succeed, but
the end is sure it is defeat and death. All
those plotters of the French Revolution who
worked the guillotine in double shifts were
at last dragged to the scaffold and pushed
under the knife.
The hate we sow finds lodgment in our
hearts, and the crop is nettles that Fate un-
relentingly demands we shall gather.
They who live by the hammer shall perish
by the hammer.
If you work in a department-store, a bank,
a railroad-office, a factory, I beg of you, on
your life, do not knock. Speak ill of no one,
and listen to no idle tales. Whether the bit-
ter things told are true or not, has no bear-
ing on the issue. To repeat an unkind truth
is just as bad as to invent a lie. If some one
[26]
CHICAGO TONGUE
has spoken ill of me, do not be so foolish
as to hope to curry favor by telling me of it.
The "housecleaning" that occurs in the offices
of companies and corporations every little
while comes as a necessity. In a small estab-
lishment the head of the house can usually
pooh-pooh the bickering out of the window;
but in large concerns where many men are
troubled with lint on the lungs, and every-
body seems to have forgotten his work, just
to "chew," then self-protection prompts the
manager to clean house. It is the only thing
he can do to preserve the life of the concern
out go the bacteria. It is said that James
Gordon Bennett, owner of the New York
Herald t comes home from Europe, only to
discharge, peremptorily, every employee in
his service. At regular intervals the place
gets honeycombed with plot and counterplot,
[27]
CHICAGO TONGUE
hate, jealousy and factional folly, and the
master, having no time to sift the lies or sit
in judgment on fishwife gossip, just cleans
the coop from cellar to cockloft of good and.
bad alike.
It is very likely that if Mr. Bennett remained
in personal charge of his estate he could
keep the Chicago Tongue in subjection, but
being away, hate permeates the structure and
the Augean act is positively necessary.
I suppose there are institutions where Chi-
cago Tongue is to a great degree obliterated,
through the strong personality of the man
at the helm. I have seen schools where the
generous spirit of one man filled the whole
place. But the man who is great enough to
flavor a newspaper plant with love and pa-
tience has, I fear, not yet been found. And of
this never for a moment doubt, that the man
[28]
CHICAGO TONGUE
who successfully manages a great railroad,
bank, factory or other enterprise, is one who
neither listens to, nor bears tales to any per-
son of what this one says or does. He treats all
with courtesy and fairness, and like the great
and loving Lincoln, when his generals were
accused, deducts seventy-five per cent from
every accusation and throws the remainder
in the wastebasket actions alone count.
Where many men are employed, there are
always some who are full of plots and of
schemes for more pay, shorter hours or favors
generally. They scheme to have one foreman
"bounced** in order to have another man,
who will help their cause, put in charge.
Should success follow their efforts, and the
old foreman be replaced, the first move of
the new man will probably be to discharge
the conspirators who helped him.
[29]
CHICAGO TONGUE
Men who conspire, and plot, and who lend a
ready ear to the idea of a strike, are marked
on every time-book for dismissal when the
hour is ripe. And whenever you find a news-
paper-man or a printer who spends half of
his time looking for a job, you can rest assured
that he is one who carries a large cargo of
Chicago Tongue.
You can never stand in with the boss by tell-
ing him of those who are laggards. The only
way you can win his favor is by setting the loaf-
ers a pace. He knows all about the loafers
God help him ! for if he did not he could
never successfully manage an institution.
No man can ever succeed who hopes to get
a better position by defaming or dragging
down the reputation of another. There is but
one way to win, and that is to do your work
well, and speak ill of no one, not even as a
[30]
CHICAGO TONGUE
matter of truth. Any other course leads to
fears, tears, woful waste of life-force, and
oblivion. There is only one way to win the
favor of good men, and there is only
one way you can secure the smile of
God, and that is to do your work
as well as you can, and
be kind, and
BE KIND.
[31]
SO HERE ENDETH THE PREACHMENT ENTITLED
"CHICAGO TONGUE," WRITTEN BY FRA ELBERTUS,
AND DONE INTO A BOOK BY THE ROYCROFTERS,
AT THEIR SHOP IN EAST AURORA, NEW YORK
HERE
can
be
no secret in
life and mor-
als, because
Nature has
provided that
every beautiful thought you
know and every precious
sentiment you feel shall
shine out of your face, so
that all who are great
enough may see, appreciate,
know, understand and ap-
propriate. You keep things
only by giving them away.
