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THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 




I f TO DRIVE THROl UH AS A THICKLY 
|, ol ,, LATED n NNEI. 



THE 
SOUTH-BOUND CAR 



BY 

OWEN LLEWELLYN 

AND 

L. RAVEN-HILL 



Willi EIGHTY-FIVE ILLUSTRATIONS 



METHUEN & CO. 

36 ESSEX STREET W.C. 

LONDON 



First Published in iqoy 



CONTENTS 



CHAPTER I 

PAGE 

The Road to Spain i 



CHAPTER II 
To the Mediterranean 35 

CHAPTER III 
The Water-bound Car .... 7 1 

CHAPTER IV 
At Barcelona i°° 

CHAPTER V 
Along the Mediterranean Shore . . .127 

CHAPTER VI 
The Rail-pound Car '55 

CHAPTER VII 
Toledo and Madrid 1S2 



81 



vi THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

CHAPTER VIII 

PAGE 

The Road of the North Star . . -. .198 

CHAPTER IX 
On Biarritz 220 

CHAPTER X 
Thrown in 253 

Index 279 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



IN THE TEXT 

PAGE 

" Seats three comfortably " . . ... 3 

The potboy escaped, and with most of his cargo . . . 8 

"Odin" . , . . ... 10 

" Le chasse au Renard," according to Lcs Sports Moderties . 12 

At Pont-Remy, right in the middle of the houses, lurks a canivcau 14 
On occasions like this it is best to be quite ignorant of the French 

language . . . . . . 15 

We contrived to inspect the function . . . . 21 

Table d'hote at Sens . . . ... 25 

The two horses pretended they were afraid, and each took one 

side of the nearest tree . . ... 27 

Explained that he was not really as large as he looked . . 31 

The " Gloire de Dijon" . . . 33 

lie slowly wriggled down the tablecloth . . • • 37 

Touch and go . . • • • 39 

A cloud-gun — a machine like a sky-hailing gramophone . . 40 

My pelerine . . . ... 45 

The mysterious stranger . . ... 46 

Laden with all manner of experiments . . 47 

A note by the way . . . ... 49 

I posed as an early Christian . . ... 51 

A neat thing in bed-warmers . . 59 

We thought at one time of having a whip each . • • 77 

Our gorgeous beds . . . ... 83 

None but the brave . . . ... 84 

A brigand-looking gentleman . . ... 88 

The revellers . . . 95 



viii THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 





PAGE 


A little blue-chinned monkey . . . 


112 


Pretty girls and fat duennas . . . 


132 


El Capitan . . . . 


137 


On guard ...... 


138 


Off duty ...... 


138 


At Tortosa ... . 


142 


The garage at Tortosa . . . 


145 


The Artist's trousers ..... 


153 


A study in Valencia ..... 


161 


We crossed the river Jacur by a fearful wooden bridge 


. 165 


That there was a tram behind made no difference . 


174 


Madrid post-box ..... 


175 


Our complimentary statue . . . 


. 176 


The retired bull-fighter . . . 


. 177 


The Gateway of Toledo . . . 


. 183 


Venus and Mars. A sketch at Toledo . 


. 187 


The Puerta del Sol, Toledo . . . . 


. 191 


They nearly came to blows on the subject 


203 


Marketing at Valladolid . . . . 


206 


"ConDios" ..... 


. 208 


A little trouble at Bilbao . . . . 


214 


A roadside sketch ..... 


219 


The Scribe wastes his substance at petits chevaux . 


■ 223 


A sketch at the Casino . . . 


. 225 


At the Casino ..... 


. 226 


A Teuton ...... 


227 


A pelota player ..... 


• 230 


A fisherman at Biarritz . . . 


• 232 


To be or not to be? 


240 



LIST OF PLATES 

"About as easy to drive through as a thickly-populated 
tunnel" .... 

The speed-lover's paradise 



Frontispiece 

FACING PAGE 

• 13 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS ix 



The Cathedral, Sens . 
Through the snow 
The garage at Vienne 
The Roman amphitheatre at Nimes 
The fish nets at Agde and their guardian angel 
"And behind that rampart of snow was Spain " 
A little alarmed, but never annoyed 
Traces of civilisation 
Bezalu 

Crossing the Tordera 
St. Pol de Mer 

" Words have failed me to describe those roads" 
The Guardia Civile — "His dignity ami bearing defy all 
tions" 

' ' The genuine article " 

What we missed 

" How can I stick you when you will not charge? ' 

" Pardon me — my move " 

Not according to Cocker 

" The pet of all the fair " 

" Willing to wound and yet afraid to strike 1 

The "Corniche" of Spain 

The streets are narrow, even for Spain 

" Most of the mules shied at the stranded car " 

" No other car had ever been through Algem£si." 

is entirely fictitious) 
Jehu rushed the car at the obstacle 
The Posada at Almansa 
In the shadow of the Cathedral, Burgos 
"Bacarat" 
A wine shop 



mita 



{My attitude 



PACING PAGE 

24 

2S 

44 
54 
56 
65 
72 

74 
So 

89 
96 
98 

108 
no 

114 
116 

11S 
11S 
11S 

122 
129 
I42 
I48 

»59 

169 
170 
208 
226 

264 



A merry heart goes all the day, 
Your sad tires in a mile-a. 

The Winter s Talc 



THE SOUTH-BOUND GAR 

CHAPTER I 

THE ROAD TO SPAIN 

. . . Ah, hitter chill it was ! 
The owl, for all his feathers, was a-cold ; 
The hare limped trembling through the frozen grass, 
Anil silent was the flock in woolly fold. 

The Eve of St. Agnes 

THE road to Spain is down Piccadilly, through 
St. James's Park, and over Westminster 
Bridge. That is to say, if you start from the Auto- 
mobile Club motor-house, as we did. 

But another time, and with a less powerful car 
than a 30-40 Daimler, there should be other and less 
spectacular routes. And the reason is this. There 
were (and still are) four of us, all men of more or 
less large proportions. By the mercy of Providence, 
two of our wives, who were to have taken the place 
of one of us, Jarge to wit, relinquished the idea. To 
get at the full meaning of this sentence it should be 
read backwards, and to get at the full meaning of 
what our wives escaped they had only to look at the 



2 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

car as we emerged out of the club motor-cellar, fully 
loaded. 

For the benefit of those who may be tempted to 
follow our example, I take this opportunity of 
cataloguing our chief accoutrements : — 

Four kit-bags. 

Two spare Dunlop covers (studded). 

Four spare Dunlop tubes. 

One spare pump (water). 

Two spare chains. 

One spare coil. 

Two spare sets of accumulators. 

Two sets Parsons' chains. 

Twelve feet copper piping, and 

A never-to-be-forgotten jack. 



Not 
wanted 

on 
voyage. 



Innumerable spare plugs, wires, bolts, nuts, butter- 
flies, washers, tools, levers, spanners and such like, 
most of which were only carried in order to intimi- 
date the car into not requiring them, and to help fill 
the tonneau. Also a joy for ever in the shape of six 
Parsons' sparklet inflators, which allowed us the 
freedom of the tyre-pump during the whole journey. 
Consequently two tons would not have been in the 
same street with what we totalled up. 

I had nearly forgotten the cameras. Now the 
Artist came without one, and mine was hardly un- 
packed all the time, but Jehu, which is a nice short 
name for the hero who drove the car and generally 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 3 

kept us up to our work, not only had a machine 
which elongated itself in the middle till it looked 
like a large black caterpillar in mourning, but also 
owned a set of old-fashioned sliding legs, and a tin 
box with eight corners containing plates. We grew 
to hate that box almost as much as anything could 




Seats three comfortably 

be loathed. Jarge, who never takes a photograph 
without writing down a mystic prescription about it, 
brought, in addition to his ordinary camera, a thing 
called a " Panoram." When this fearsome-looking 
beast is set in motion there is a sound like the strip- 
ping of a gear-wheel, and if one happens to be in the 
line of fire a vicious-looking little black snout can be 
seen, moving around like a ferret looking out of 



4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

a rabbit -hole. Then there were medicine-chests, 
three rugs, and three spare coats. I came without 
one of the latter, but the purchase of my " Pelerine " 
later may be the dawn of a new fashion for England, 
and so more, perhaps, anon on this. 

Now it would seem that a good deal of this could 
be stored under the back seat of what, in spite of 
side-entrances and other modern embellishments, is 
still called the tonneau; but here, Jehu, assisted by 
the talent of all the Royal Automobile Club, memo- 
ries of the Herkomer Trophy, and other experts, had 
installed a spare tank to hold about fourteen gallons 
of petrol. To anticipate events, I may remark that 
we filled this up at Boulogne, and used it in coming 
out of Spain, so the car and tyres had the additional 
pleasure of lugging well over a hundred pounds extra 
weight for nearly a couple of thousand miles. Even 
Jehu grew to realise this at length, and the thought 
of the extra room its absence would have given us 
quite saddened me at times, especially as we could 
have always packed the space with bidons when an 
extra long petrol drought was anticipated. So let 
this be a warning to others, and if I do not refer to 
it again it will be because I have forgiven — I can 
never forget. Two items more, and we are off. 

We had a Cape-cart hood, and though it never 
rained, except once for eight minutes at Barcelona, 
we found it most useful for packing things in. I 
have never seen this important function mentioned 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 5 

in the advertisements of such things, but I make a 
present of the suggestion to those whom it may con- 
cern. The other item was a young chest of drawers, 
fastened beneath the step on the off-side. It con- 
tained many useful and elegant objets de voyage, but, 
as every snow-drift caught in it, and every river filled 
it with water and sand, we soon transferred its seat 
of usefulness to the top side of the footboard. Cars 
which are intended for snow-ploughs on French 
mountains, and mud - larking in Spanish rivers, 
should be without such impedimenta beneath the 
level of the engines. Not that it stopped the car — 
she came along in spite of it. 

A few words here as to our intentions. When 
I first mooted the idea of Spain to the others, we 
decided that it was necessary to dine together to dis- 
cuss the route and other details. I sent a message 
to the club cook that I should be glad if he would 
prepare a dinner with any Spanish dishes he might 
know of. But when he replied that beyond garlic 
and onions he knew of no special delicacies from 
that country, I told him that perhaps it would be 
better to stick to English food. And even then 
I resolved that I would make it impossible for such 
ignorance to prevail again, and would bring new 
delights to the notice of the gourmets of our native 
land, which the reader will see I have managed to 
do, though our sauces of hunger and hard work may 
have had something to do with our enjoyment of 



6 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

them. So we dined ordinarily, and after the meal 
was over I produced the Times Atlas. First of all, 
I turned up France, and with a lordly sweep of the 
hand reached the shores of the tideless Mediter- 
ranean in three days. After this magnificent run 
I informed the others that we might abate our pace, 
and that a quiet jog of a hundred odd miles each 
morning should be succeeded by a quiet afternoon 
stroll in the southern towns. We would leave 
Barcelona about a week after our start, and visiting 
the sea-coast cities, our next real stop should be at 
Granada in Andalusia, where — as the proverb has it 
— all the men are brave and the women beautiful. 
Thence, by a road that even the touring department 
of the R.A.C. had doubts of, we should cross the 
Sierras and reach Seville. We might possibly visit 
Gibraltar, and even get across to Morocco for a 
couple of days, but at any rate we could see Cadiz 
and at Jerez quaff the national wine of the 
country in its native home. We would then turn 
north for Madrid along the famous non-stop road 
of romance, touching at Cordova and Toledo. 
Thence by Valladolid, Burgos, and Biarritz we 
would leave Spain, and the splendid roads of France 
would bear us homeward easily within our allotted 
time. I had it all written down, with a little sketch 
map showing the various places where we should 
spend the nights, and how long we could allow our- 
selves to seethose of much interest. I alsohad prepared 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 7 

an outside estimate of expenses, which contemplated 
every conceivable contingency. I do not now know 
which was the more absolutely incorrect document. 
At the conclusion of my statement I think we 
should all have given three cheers for Spain if there 
had not been other people in the smoking-room who 
might have been annoyed. Then we parted, each 
full of hope and information as to his own share of 
the preliminary items. We used to come together 
sometimes to procure passports, circular notes, and 
to impart to each other any new information we 
might have gathered concerning the voyage ; but our 
paths in life lay far apart, and our ordinary workaday 
orbits did not often coincide. So when we did all 
meet together again in the aforesaid motor garage, 
we were bursting to tell each other of our newly 
acquired knowledge. 

If any of our party, or our wives, expected a 
crowd to see us off, they were disappointed, and we 
might have been mere county councillors going to 
visit a farm colony for all the interest we excited on 
the fashionable side of the Thames. On the other 
side we became a little more an object of interest, 
for Jehu, in his anxiety to test the new speed in- 
dicator, nearly fouled a potboy who was casually 
strolling across the Borough Road with three foam- 
ing mugs of beer in each hand. Certainly he 
escaped, and with most of his cargo ; but often, 
when far away on the snowy heights of the Cote 



8 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

d'Or, or the wind-swept barren plateau of Old 
Castile, the memory of the incident would come 
back to my mind like the miner's dream of home. 
And it seems to have made an even greater impres- 
sion on the Artist. 

On the journey to Folkestone there is no need to 
dilate. The snow (have I said it was February 2nd, 
1907?) lay on the road in glistening sheets, frozen 
and hard, and if there is one condition that can trap 




The potboy escaped, and with most of his cargo 

non-skidding tyres that are not true to their descrip- 
tion, this is it. But our studded Dunlops cared for 
none of these things, and we arrived at the boat's 
side before the appointed time. This gave us a 
couple of hours to spare, and we promptly adjourned 
for our first meal to the Pavilion Hotel. And be- 
cause I happened to meet an uncle and an aunt here, 
I was told by Jarge that we were doomed to failure, 
as it was the most unlucky thing that could happen 
to anybody. After lunch we all went and purchased 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 9 

tins of Keating's, because Jehu had been told we 
were bound to be eaten alive wherever we might 
stop south of the Pyrenees. The Artist filled up 
with tobacco, stowing it about his figure with a laud- 
able idea to economy. There being no other local 
cause for excitement, we shook the mud and snow of 
our native land off our boots and gazed open- 
mouthed at the car twiddling in the air before it 
was landed on the deck of the Invicta for the 
voyage. 

The Channel steamer folk have brought the hand- 
ling of motors to a fine art, and one does not feel 
the qualms usual to such occasions, when less accus- 
tomed folk are playing seesaw with the joy of your 
existence. Though Folkestone was dull and gloomy, 
the sea was calm, and so there was that much to be 
thankful for. Over £4 for less than thirty miles is a 
large sum to pay for the transhipping of a car across 
to France, and the question as to alternative cheaper 
and more attractive routes is one that should invite 
attention. 

The only things that called for remark on the 
voyage, and at the buffet afterwards, were the travel- 
ling caps that made their appearance. One man 
especially took our fancy, being the personification 
of the Norse god Odin, and the Artist was moved to 
record his appearance. 

We reached Boulogne after dark, put the car into 
a garage which demanded five francs for the privi- 



io THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

lege, and stowed ourselves at Bayly's Hotel for the 
night. Comfortable and warm, but nothing special, 
our record of accounts shows it to be the most ex- 
pensive caravanserai we abode in during the whole of 
our trip. But perhaps we were charged extra for 
the society of our landlord all the evening. There 
was a notice hanging up in the hall of the hotel 
which shows the sporting nature of the French. It 




related to a " Grand concours International de Chiens 
Ratters," which, I suppose, means "dog show." 
After describing the list of prizes, it gave par- 
ticulars of a " Grand match sensational 25 rats par 
chien, entre le Champion R. I. P. du Terrier Club 

Abbevillois et le chien X du Ratier Club Boulon- 

nais, le defi sera de 500 frs." and concluded with the 
startling announcement that, for the first time in 
Boulogne, " The society has made the necessary pre- 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN n 

parations to obtain, if possible, two foxes, which will 
be destroyed by the dogs of the society " ! Where's 
your bull-fighting now ? 

After this, the following yarn can be quite easily 
swallowed. It appears that there is a rising young 
place called Le Touquet, not very far off, and one 
filled with a desire to be very English. So a fox- 
hunt was arranged and, after the meet, a line was 
hit off, and all were speedily in full pursuit. Now, a 
certain real Englishman was about, and perhaps a 
little sceptical as to the ability of the scratch pack to 
kill a French fox and return for the dejeuner that 
was even then awaiting the field. So he mentioned 
his doubt to one of the principal retainers, and this 
is the satisfactory reply he got : " Aha ! we have 
taken our precautions ; he was shot at eight o'clock 
this morning," and sure enough, there he was, hang- 
ing up in the kitchen. What the dickens it was the 
hounds and hunters were on to over the hills and far 
away history telleth not ; but one cannot but admire 
the noble spirit that takes no risk of disappointment, 
and, greater than Fortius, not only deserves success, 
but commands it as well. 

The picture Our Artist has drawn here of the dig- 
ging out of a fearful fox is the result of his prowling 
about in a French stationer's shop, and gives a very 
good idea of what goes on behind the scenes in 
French fox-hunting. I think the instrument that 
the wretched animal has round his neck is specially 



12 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

designed for the purpose, while the man with the 
gun, which, by the way, should have a strap on it, is 
undoubtedly the dernier ressort in case of accidents. 
Boulogne was under snow and a hard frost when 




" Le chasse au Renard," according to Lcs Sports Modcrnes 



we left next morning for Versailles. As we rose 
above the town and on to the high inland plateau 
the cold grew more intense, and our first excitement 
was the complete freezing up of the lubricators. 
Hot rags and a handy blow-lamp soon thawed them 
out, and, armed with this one experience, we avoided 
this contretemps again. And so we ran over the long, 
lonely white roads to Pont-Rcmy. Though I had 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 13 

motored in other parts of the Continent, it was my 
first experience of the really straight roads, framed 
in an avenue of trees, that make France the speed - 
lover's Paradise. The echo of the swish of the fast- 
moving car as it comes on each side off every tree, 
and the never-ending vista in front, converging like a 
perspective nightmare on the horizon, combine to 
make it monotonous, and indeed, save for the feeling 
of pace, which is a delight in itself to the hardened 
motorist, the only real satisfaction lies in the fact 
that every hour is bringing one sixty miles nearer to 
the sun, and to the south that is the goal of the 
journey. Motors are evidently not objects of 
interest to the inhabitants of the little villages here- 
abouts, and the dogs and fowls also tarry not to 
inspect them. Here and there a little town collects 
the straight lines of the roads, and for a while tangles 
them with many turns, but in less than no time the 
car is out again, and in for another straight twenty 
miles of humming speed. 

But winter or summer this part of France is very 
uninteresting compared with the rest of the land we 
went through. The parts of England it most re- 
sembles are the arable districts just off the Thames 
valley and the weary wolds of Lincolnshire, though 
the far greater distances between inhabited places 
tend to magnify its dreariness to a much greater 
extent. 

I mentioned Pont-Remy just now, but if it had not 



i 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

been for the snow the name would have been as one 
of the many other little villages we found and left 
behind. But here, right in the middle of the houses, 
lurks a caniveau % the first we were to make the ac- 
quaintance of. Now, Jehu, once upon a time, nearly- 
won a race ; in fact, he came in second in the Isle of 
Man, and it has been his undoing, since he is usually 
described in the motoring press as " of Tourist Trophy 




At Pont-Remy, right in the middle of the houses, lurks a canivcau 

fame," which requires living up to. So, the street 
being wide and empty, he pursued the more or less 
even tenour of his way, and the caniveati, being full of 
snow, lured the unsuspecting car into its fearful 
embrace. Now a caniveau, for the benefit of those 
who know them not, is the bed of a young stream 
that wanders across the road and, in a civilised land 




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THE ROAD TO SPAIN 17 

like England, would be roofed in to let the world roll 
by. But on the Continent they have a different idea 
as to their sphere of usefulness, and perhaps they 
have good reasons for keeping them open. At all 
events a knowledge of their imminence must have a 
wonderful effect in reducing the rate of speed of pass- 
ing motors ; and I think that I am not sure if I dwelt 
in certain villages in England, I should not agitate 
for one each side of my abode. The Artist and I 
were busy looking out a place for lunch on the map, 
and first became aware of the local phenomenon by 
being shot up into the air, with everything else in the 
tonneau, hit on the head by the till-then-folded-up 
Cape hood, and violently bumped down again as we 
were. There was also a crash of glass. Jehu pulled 
up, and we all got out. I had brought some elegant 
Selvyt lamp protectors, and if they had been in their 
proper places they would have prevented one of our 
lamps being jumped off by the shock and run over by 
the car. But the Artist, weary of being hit in the 
ankle by the spare pump — which we never needed — 
had diverted the said cover to the base use of pro- 
tecting his leg from the said assault, and so the lamp 
suffered ; though, marvellous to relate, beyond being 
horribly dented, its use was not in the least impaired. 
While we thus looked for possible damages the local 
policeman arrived, fresh from his Sunday cUjeuner. 
He was in the very height of officialdom, demanded 
all our papers, licences, and even our passports, and 
c 



iS THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

wrote volubly in his note-book. When some one dis- 
covered the shock had also smashed the Cape hood, I 
thought we should all be haled off to prison, and I really 
think that if the car had utterly collapsed — and it is 
a marvellous testimonial that it survived unhurt — the 
local guillotine would have been promptly erected, 
and four more martyrs to progress have been there 
and then created. But amid direful glances and 
satirical " an revoirs " from the collected mob, we 
managed at length to be allowed to depart, and soon 
after pulled up at Beauvais for a late lunch. Per- 
sonally, I should have liked to have seen Abbeville 
with its glorious cathedral, but after all Spain was 
our objective, and the cathedral may still be there 
when I come again. 

We discussed that canivcau while lunching at the 
Hotel de France et dAngleterre at Beauvais, and 
Jarge gave it as his opinion that a house near it 
would command a very high rent. The Artist thought 
that a policeman might combine amusement with 
promotion by simply sitting in ambush near it till 
motors came by. I misquoted Swinburne — 

It waits for each and other, 
It waits for all men born ; 
* * * * 

And gathers all things mortal 
With cold, immortal hands. 

Jehu said little, but appeared full of thought. 

I often wonder when I remember that lunch at 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 19 

Beauvais — not that it was in any way better than the 
usual run of such meals all through France — what sort 
of welcome and food we should have got under similar 
circumstances, two o'clock on a Sunday afternoon, in 
England? Blank looks, cold beef, a musty coffee- 
room, and a big bill, I expect ; instead of which we 
found a neat, clean lunch, vin comprh } beginning with 
hors d'esuvres and ending with coffee, at about half a 
crown a head. And almost everywhere else in 
France we found as good. 

At the next table to us was a party consisting of a 
well-to-do-looking father and mother, and their boys, 
who were evidently doing their military training in 
the town. The younger children were there as well, 
and when I thought of the bleak road over the 
snowy hills waiting for us, I envied their happy 
lot. And then once more into our leathern jackets, 
big coats, and off again. Now, Jehu had so im- 
pressed us with his absolute familiarity with the 
roads of this part of France that we rather neglected 
the map, and the consequence was that, instead 
of arriving at Versailles at five o'clock, we got into 
Paris from the north-east over leagues of pavi after 
dark. This was one of the most dismal runs we had. 
A dull grey mist had settled down on everything, 
and all roads and directions seemed alike. Nearly 
every one makes the same mistake coming out of 
Beauvais as we did, and the attempt, when we did 
discover our mistake, to correct it by taking a short 



20 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

cut was fatal ; and I rather think that certain folk 
of whom we inquired the way took a malicious 
pleasure in putting us wrong. At the same time, 
perhaps, the hand of Providence was in it ; for on 
arrival we found a serious crack, caused either by the 
pave or the caniveau, which needed careful attention. 
This it got at a moderate price, and with no delay, 
at the establishment of Courcelles- Automobile, 8 Rue 
de Chazelles, to which we were directed by courtesy 
of Major Lloyd, the Paris representative of the 
R. A. C. Firms such as this one are rare abroad and 
none too common at home. 

We left Paris in a snowstorm. The cab-horses 
were sliding and slipping all over the place, salt was 
being hurled about by the ton, and all was beastly. 
After picking up petrol outside the octroi — a pro- 
cedure which saves a large sum — we ran to Versailles 
over a well-swept road. I wonder if it is because 
they are more used to snow in this part of France 
that they trouble to sweep the roads. For miles 
on roads without a single inhabitant the snow, which 
had only just ceased to fall, was neatly swept away 
— a proceeding highway authorities in England 
would regard as a sheer waste of time and trouble. 
When we got near the Palais the sun was out and 
the sky blue, so of course our camera brigade pro- 
ceeded to attack it. And then on to Melun, where 
we lunched, and so to Sens. The road to Sens was 
a pleasant change from those we had experienced so 




We contrived to inspect the function 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 23 

far. Very little snow was lying on it, and after 
Montereau it ran beside the winding river Yonne, 
while for once in a way the sun deigned to come out 
and the wind dropped ; but for all this, when I visit 
France again in the winter, I shall land the car 
at Havre or Bordeaux, and keep this part of the 
country for a more seasonable time of year. I do 
not recommend this route as a rule, but in those 
days we invariably relied on other people's advice. 
Later on we absolutely refused to believe any one as 
to roads or anything connected with them. Our 
reasons will soon be very apparent. 

We stopped at the Hotel de l'Ecu, at Sens. The 
reason we stopped there was because it was the 
nearest hotel to the motor when Jehu had finished 
pulling up on viewing the hotel we intended to 
occupy ; but we do not regret our choice. 

It was a delightful old place. The great towers 
of the cathedral looked right down into the court- 
yard, and the neighbourhood contained a more varied 
collection of striking clocks than there is in the 
whole of England put together. Long rows of big 
windows opened all round, and countless rooms 
creaked through the night at the memories of the 
olden days when all Europe stayed here on its way 
to the South. For Sens was on one of the arteries 
of the world, and its aristocratic-looking buildings 
still manage to keep up their appearance of its 
ancient glory. But downstairs at the Hotel de l'Ecu 



24 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

there was no note of sadness. There had been a 
wedding that day, and the consequent ball was being 
held in the big room over the barn where the car was 
stabled. About eleven o'clock we discovered there 
was a healthy coke furnace not three feet from the 
Daimler's bonnet. As there were at least twenty 
gallons of petrol on board the car, the festivities 
might easily have been far more exciting than they 
were. Being full of insatiable curiosity, and not 
wishing to deprive our readers of any valuable in- 
formation, the Artist and I contrived to inspect the 
function. The music was from a piano, and the 
actual dancing couples came to three. Also there 
were two small children, several middle-aged ladies 
and three elderly men with tight white gloves, en 
tout cas dress clothes, and well-combed beards. No- 
thing very exciting, and how they managed — as they 
did by the sound — to keep it going till at least 
midnight, I cannot imagine. 

The mention of beards leads me to regret that 
Mr. Frank Richardson does not live in France — or 
indeed anywhere on the Continent. The only quarry 
he pursues is so rare in England that every man 
who wears whiskers there must be finding the joke 
a little hairy by this time. But even in a small place 
like Sens the humorist could, as it were, begin to 
live over again, and new definitions and descriptions 
could take the place of the moth-eaten "face-fin" sally. 
In the restaurant that night there were half a dozen 



' '•r 
i 



i 



''nl BFl 



| 




I III CATHEDRAL, SENS 



TIIK ROAD TO SPAIN 



25 



kinds among the diners, any pair of which would 
supply him with at least a page of copy. Personally 
I do without them, but undoubtedly they command 
respect ; and many an otherwise ordinary Civil Ser- 
vant is listened to with rapt attention, simply because 
he wears them in conjunction with a turn-down 
collar, blue serge suit, and cloth spats. Years ago 









Table d'/h'fc at Sens 



I remember one of the senior branches of the junior 
division of the Board of Agriculture came to the 
opinion that they looked too young. So they held 
a meeting, and determined that they would grow 
what are called " Charlies," that is, tufts beneath the 
lower lip — e.g. Sir Thomas Lipton. But in spite 
of best intentions, habit was too strong for them all, 
and one second of early-morning forgetfulness kept 



26 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

on ruining — like a May frost — the fruits of a fort- 
night's endeavour. As the poet has it — 

A thousand years scarce serve to form a state, 
One hour may lay it low ! 

But the moral of the story and the morale of the 
appendages is as true as ever. 

But let us return to our hotel. Jarge and I played, 
or rather began to play, a game of French billiards 
in the cafe, but after five minutes of it we mutually 
gave each other the game and read the papers. 
Now, barring certain daily prints, which look like the 
catalogue of a forced sale at a bulb farm, the French- 
man only reads comic papers, and these he reads 
over and over again. I was immensely struck by 
an economical dodge of one of these journals. The 
jokes were printed in French and Italian, side by 
side, under the accompanying pictures. The idea 
is excellent, for at one stroke the circulation is 
doubled and the amount of " copy " halved. I com- 
mend this to the notice of some of our English 
papers who deal in the same class of humour, and 
further suggest that translations of slang and allusion 
should be added as well. This would make them 
more intelligible, and would be very unlikely to 
crowd out any priceless gems of humour. 

The run from Sens to Dijon, through Saint Floren- 
tin, Tonnere, Montbard, and over the hills by Cour- 
ceaux was the coldest and most exciting day we had 
in France at all. 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 



27 



To begin with, we overtook a bold cavalryman, 
riding one horse and leading another. We slowed 
down to a walking pace in the most polite manner, 




The two horses pretended they were afraid, and each took one side 

of the nearest tree 

but the two horses saw their opportunity for a bit of 
diversion. Accordingly they began to pretend they 
were afraid, and as this road, like every other in 
France, had trees on each side of it, they each took 
one side of the nearest. The rider held on as long 



28 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

as he could, but in the end he had to let go, and the 
last we saw of the three was an animated little game 
of animal grab, at which the loose horse was easily 
the more proficient. 

After this interlude there was nothing out of the 
ordinary, barring the bitter wind and skiddy surface. 
At the same time, I cannot help thinking we should 
have done better if we had kept to roads that lay 
along the sides of rivers, even though the route might 
have been a little longer, for it was only on the very 
high and deserted country we came across very serious 
obstacles. I commend this idea to motorists who are 
mapping out winter tours abroad, and it is very seldom 
that a safer and more pleasant alternative route 
cannot be found. When we had left Darcey behind 
us, and rose on to the mountains, we put the Daimler 
to a pretty severe test. Time after time the snow 
had been blown into smooth drifts out of the track of 
the wind, and as we had no possible means of judg- 
ing their depth, we did the only possible thing, and 
let her rip at them. Even with the tool-drawers 
fastened below the step, she made light of the job, 
and great masses of snow flew round and over us, as 
she hurtled through. Occasionally she almost floated 
on the snow, and only then was there much loss of 
pace. Our studded Dunlop tyres behaved nobly, 
and the last resource for snow, which we had 
brought in the shape of Parsons' non - skids, we 
managed to do without. But it was a weary coun- 




' 



:?**& 




[ HE SNOW 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 29 

try, white and almost treeless, while towards evening 
a dense fog added to the fun. Every now and then 
we dropped down steep inclines, through the stunted 
forests that clothed the hillside, into some quaint, 
old-world, white town, only to rise up the looped 
roads on the other side to another expanse of misty 
blankness. 

They seem to go in for huge forests in this part of 

France. For miles we ran along a road bounded on 

each side by brushwood copses that appeared never 

to have an end. When I was young I remember 

being presented with a book called The Young 

Franc-Tircurs, which dealt with the wildly exciting 

adventures of certain patriotic French youths who 

harassed the German invaders for months in this 

same country, but I never realised how easy it 

would be to hide- successfully in forests until I came 

to see these. Even the little towns we passed 

through were but interludes or clearings in them, 

and no sooner had we left them behind us than we 

were in the midst of the woods again. Perhaps this 

is why English children are rather apt to scoff at 

stories in which the heroes and heroines get lost in 

the forest, and, only judging by the kinds they know 

themselves, put them down as undoubtedly jolly asses. 

Darkness came on us miles from Dijon, but here 

there were marks of horse traffic, and so about seven 

in the evening we got to near where we would be. 

And then, as we entered the city feeling like the 



30 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

remnants of the gallant Six Hundred, a man had the 
impudence to call out to a gendarme that we had no 
lights, and cramped, frozen, and stiff as we were, 
we had to get out, fumble for matches, dig out 
the snow-bound lamps and melt the congealed oil 
till it thought fit to burn. The Artist told that man 
what we thought of him until he fled as if from a 
lunatic, and after another mile we found peace at 
last. Few people there believed us when we told 
of our route, and we were proud to feel that we had 
done it on an English car with English tyres, for we 
could see that the Frenchmen esteemed the feat to a 
far greater extent than we did. 

Considering France is par excellence the land of 
automobiles (or was), it was extraordinary how few 
we had met, except of course in Paris, between 
Boulogne and Dijon. Not more than four, and none 
of these open ones, can I call to mind ; and even 
south of this they were very rare. 

By the way, while we were on one of the bleakest 
hills, we saw a wolf cross our path. I said it was a 
fox, but general opinion was against me, and I was 
badly outvoted. At the same time, it displayed no 
ferocity, legging it as hard as it could, nor did we 
hear it howl. My argument was that if it were a 
wolf there would be a pack in the vicinity, and very 
soon they would be pursuing us. In which case it 
would be necessary, after throwing the spare tyres to 
them, to sacrifice one of our number. This is always 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 



3i 



done, and I think the Artist got quite nervous, as he 
explained that he was not really as large as he looked, 
owing to the number of coats and leathern garments 
he was enveloped in. As a fact, that very morning, 
while he donned his cloth ear-flapper and pulled his 
Balaclava helmet over his face until only the tip of 




Explained that he was not really as large as he looked 

his nose was visible beneath his goggles, he had 
jocularly remarked that " The professor will now eat 
an orange under water," and if we had not all been 
more or less similarly swaddled, we should have 
laughed more than we did. At any rate, the sacri- 
fice was not needed, for we saw no more of the wild 
animals ; but it is sad so to have one's early illusions 
destroyed. 



32 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

Dijon is a busy but uninteresting town. Most 
towns that are busy are uninteresting. We stopped 
at the Hotel Bourgoyne, which is very comfortable, 
and has a nice garage next door to the kitchen. 
Now this kitchen is more like a pantomime kitchen 
than any I have ever seen, and as we filled the radi- 
ators with hot water, stewed the lubricating oil-tins, 
and otherwise generally made use of it, we had 
plenty of time for making a close inspection. Added 
to which, Jehu broke off the sector while trying to 
see how much it would bend. The repairing of it 
took an hour, and I inspected all the post-card shops 
in the neighbourhood. French post-cards are even 
more silly and vacuous than English ones — I am 
not speaking of views — and I have come to the con- 
clusion that French people are even more easily 
amused than English. The only wonder to me 
is who buys the things. I suppose they will die a 
natural death some day, though it will be hard on 
the Inland Revenue people, or their equivalent in 
France. And the class of actress who figures on 
post-cards there is very different in appearance from 
the ladies who are thus immortalised at home, and 
it was quite refreshing to come across a whole row 
of the smiling faces made so familiar by every shop 
window throughout England. These, at any rate, 
were not vulgar, which is more than one can say of 
the local products. While I waited there was another 
feature which interested me greatly. I noticed every 



THE ROAD TO SPAIN 



33 



one walked and drove about in fur coats — coats, as 
Hiawatha would put it : — 

lie, to get the fur side outside, 
Put the inside, skin-side inside. 

What skins they were I know not, but for length 
of hair and general shagginess they surpassed any 




The "Gloirede Dijon" 

animal I have ever come across outside Barnum's. I 
expect there is great rivalry amongst their posses- 
sors, and cold weather is even welcome to some of 
them. All the dummies in the shop windows were 
attired in coats that fairly out-Hoggenheimered Hog- 
genheimer. And the prices were most moderate, 



34 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

insomuch that, perhaps, had there existed one spare 
extra inch of room in the car, I might have put 
down the top price, 75 frs., become the envy of the 
South of France and possibly shot as an outlying 
Polar bear in the Pyrenees. At any rate, the return 
of the breakdown gang with the repaired sector 
called me back to the car, and we slid down to the 
banks of the Saone into sunshine and the first sight 
of France without her winter garment of snow and 
ice. But the human fur coats grew bigger and shag- 
gier than ever. 



CHAPTER II 

TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 

O the blue below the little fisher huts. — Rudyard Kipling 

I THINK the thing that made the greatest impres- 
sion on all of us at Dijon was the way one 
of the waiters laid the big table for dejeuner, while 
we were eating our seven o'clock breakfast in the 
half-dark. He wore carpet slippers — henceforward 
we eot used to them — and sat on his heels on the 
tablecloth and slowly wriggled backwards down its 
centre as he set out the various requirements. In 
the same room was a work of art in the shape of a 
placid-looking cow's head with fierce stag antlers. 
There was no doubt of this, because we all went and 
examined the masterpiece carefully before naming 
the result " The Passive Resister." 

Our road that morning lay through the Burgundy 
country, and the car tore along the straight, fiat road 
by Beaune and Macon. My bugle — did I mention 
1 had brought one ? — came in very useful here, for 
where the grunt of the horn produced no effect on a 
cart, a few bars of the " Post Horn Galop " cleared 

35 



36 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the way like magic, and scored a bull's eye a mile 
away. At the same time bugle-playing at fifty 
miles an hour wants watching. Baron Munchausen 
relates that when he was travelling in his coach one 
winter the cold was so intense that the notes froze 
inside the horn, and woke up the hotel where they 
lay the night as they thawed on the mantelpiece. 
Now I used to look on that as an exaggeration, but 
I have come to think that there may have been a 
certain amount of truth in the yarn, for when after 
playing "Lights out" or "Officers' wives" at some 
distant obstruction, I happened to put down the 
instrument for ten minutes, when I came to use 
it again I found the mouthpiece frozen solid with the 
combined effects of the cold and the vacuum in the 
tonneau, and it took a lot of hard work to set it in 
order again, But about Beaune, much to the secret 
delight of Jarge, a high note and a young caniveau 
managed to split my lip, and I was silent for several 
days. Jarge, I may explain, sat just in front of me. 
One little incident made three of us smile, and also 
the other, until he found out whose bag it was. 
Now, Jehu's kit-bag was strapped with the Parsons' 
tyre-inflators on the nearside footboard. Also, Jehu 
knows to an inch how much room he can miss things 
by. One cart whisked round as we passed it; there 
was a ripping, tearing sound, and a very mild shock. 
We were moving fast at the time, and while Jehu 
was pulling up I looked round. The cart was 




4d 
o 






o 
■s 

In 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 39 

pursuing the even tenour of its way, but on the spot 
where we had passed it was a confused heap lying in 
the middle of the road. We walked back, and found 
half a dozen sparklets and most of the belongings 
of Jehu in picturesque confusion. An aluminium 
soap-box was unrecognisable, the bag was ripped all 
along, the tin sprocket cover was bent double, but 
the heavily charged sparklets got the best advertise- 




-j&*^££^^4Z^r- 



Touch and go 

ment of their lives, and came up smiling and unin- 
jured. Now these sparklets were not the little black 
bullets you buy in boxes for the purpose of aerating 
waters or blowing the coal out of the grate, but long, 
thick glass bottles filled under terrific pressure with 
carbonic acid gas to save manual labour and time 
when we wanted to blow up a tyre, and thus alter 
weary labour into a pleasurable experience. Folks 
had told us that they were very dangerous, that 
the Spanish police would take them for bombs, and 



4 o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

all sorts of romances, but here was a proof that even 
a collision at fifty miles an hour had absolutely 
no effect upon them. When we had collected the 
debris and put the damaged bag inside the already 
overcrowded tonneau, we moved off again and ran 
past big vineyards all the day. Every mile or so 
there was a machine among the vines, like a sky- 




^r*^ 




A cloud-gun — a machine like a sky-hailing gramophone 

hailing gramophone or gigantic cake-crusher. Curi- 
osity made us examine one of these, and we found it 
to be a cloud-gun of sorts for the purpose of shooting 
thunderstorms before they burst and ruin the crops. 
I should like to see one of them in action. A vine- 
yard in the winter is a depressing-looking object. 
We passed but little else for many a hundred miles, 
and if I were a teetotaler it would be very depress- 
ing to see the whole land given up entirely to the 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 41 

production of drink ; but as I never saw a drunken 
person after I left England, I presume they know 
when they have had enough, or else take no pleasure 
in taking too much. At every meal during our trip, 
save at Madrid, Barcelona, and Biarritz, the local 
wine was put on the table gratis, and though it 
varied in colour and thickness, it was never nasty ; 
and we began to think ourselves somewhat of con- 
noisseurs by the time we got home again. I offer 
the suggestion of " beer included " to some of our 
English landlords, except that they would probably 
get into trouble at the licensing sessions for their 
generosity. 

We stopped for lunch at Macon, and had an al 
fresco meal on the embankment that runs by the side 
of the big river. It was lucky we did, for we found 
a thin stream of gear oil pouring out from under the 
car where a screw had shaken out on the frozen roads, 
and we should certainly have seized up some of our 
interior economy if we had not made the discovery 
in time. There was a big market going on all round 
us, and for some unknown reason we seem to have 
created a great impression. Personally I think it was 
because the Artist would talk Spanish to every one, 
for fear he should forget all he had learnt before he 
got to Spain. We inspected some of the stalls, 
mostly piled with eatables and wearing apparel, but 
their owners seemed much more interested in us than 
we in them. It was here we started the fashion of using 



42 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the bonnet of the car as a dining-table, though Jehu 
and Jarge took most of their sausage lying on their 
backs under the gear-box, trying to find a screw to 
take the place of the lost plug. When they had 
made a satisfactory job of it we moved on, and ran 
along very perfect roads, past frozen-up barges and 
frozen-out washerwomen. The Saone here is a 
mighty river, and was full of great floes of ice, which 
quarrelled, snarled, and fought with the bridges at 
every town that had such things. Further down a 
much smaller river, called the Rhone, chips into this 
majestic stream, and has the impudence to christen 
the combined results after itself, much as if the 
Thames called itself the Wey after Weybridge. The 
Saone has my deepest sympathies. Long before 
motors were ever heard of, an uncle of mine sought 
the shores of the Mediterranean by much the same 
route we were journeying on. He had bought in Eng- 
land a craft that was a cross between a Nile steamer 
and a Thames house-boat, and christened it the 
Sunmaid. Yachting in it on the south coast of 
England was a fearful joy, and the days it dared the 
open sea were rare. But one year, harbour by harbour, 
she came east from Dartmouth, till on a fine autumn 
day she crossed the Channel and came to Havre. 
Thence up the Seine to Paris was easy, and by very 
short stages she steamed slowly through the canals 
in the midst of the grape-harvest. The excitement 
she created was enormous, the motive power in those 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 43 

parts for boats being, as in England, a horse. She 
was fitted with a siren, and I have heard that a few 
moans of it caused all work to be knocked off in the 
neighbourhood for hours. There was always a crowd 
of the natives walking alongside of the boat, and at 
bridges three or four enterprising youths invariably 
boarded her as she passed under. And some of these 
uninvited visitors went so far as to bring their 
dinners with them, while — I am told — one even 
arrived with his rug and announced his intention of 
passing the night on the deck. After the canals 
came the canalised Saone, and then the great Rhone 
took charge and brought the little boat to Marseilles, 
where I believe she still lies. Barring the sea part of 
the voyage, it would be considerably more soothing 
a journey than occasional bursts of sixty miles an 
hour ever gave to us. 

Before we got to Lyons, alternative routes presented 
themselves, and, of course, we took the wrong one. 
So once more we were up among the hills and the 
snow, until we got on tramlines and dropped down 
into the big, uninteresting manufacturing town. We 
got through without stopping, except to profess 
utter and hopeless ignorance of any language to the 
octroi officials at the entrance, and came in the sunset 
to Viennes, a delightfully old-fashioned and pictu- 
resque town on the banks of the now-termed Rhone. 
I forget the name of the hotel that did us very well, 
but I remember the garage was also the wash-house 



44 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

for two charming, but chatty, old blancJiisseuses. We 
had a good deal of work to do there, adjusting the 
brakes and filling up the depleted gear-box, so we saw 
and heard a good deal of these ladies. Jarge went and 
dropped their soap into about four feet of ice-cold 
water, but they only smiled, and one produced a 
trident, which must have come off a statue, and soon 
gaffed it up again. The worst point about the 
garage was that the station horse had his stable the 
other end, and was for ever walking in and out at the 
most critical moments. Of course there was electric 
light in here — I expect the rat-holes have their own 
installation — and luxury even went so far as to pro- 
vide inspection lamps attached to about twenty yards 
of wiring. While Jehu and Jarge adjusted things 
and generally mucked about the engine, the Artist 
held the light where it was wanted, and invariably 
at the critical moment of tackling washers, split 
pins, and the like, the horse, or les blanchisseuses, or 
the ostler, would trip up over the spare yards, tear the 
lamp out of the holder's hands and start a torrent of 
profanity in three languages. Also another car came 
in with a typical French chauffeur in charge. These 
folks go in for high-speed work in garages, and this 
one only slowed up when he smashed his biggest 
plate-glass window with the corner of our Cape hood. 
Our Artist, who learnt his French in the Ouartier 
Latin, says that he seemed seriously annoyed. Later 
on yet another motor arrived, with four Americans in 




I III GARAGE AT VIENNE 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 45 



it, who were immensely relieved to find an interpreter, 
as they spoke nothing but pure Cahoose, and had not 
exchanged a word with their hired chauffeur since they 
left a place they called Die-John. The curious thing 
about their automobile was that it contained a large 





My pelerine 

quantity of mistletoe. What on earth they were going 
to do with it (seeing that the last Sunday was Sexa- 
gesima) I am still wondering, and I got nothing but 
a grin out of the chauffeur when I asked him to ex- 
plain the inward meaning of this petit morccau de 
Noil. 



46 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

Perhaps the most important incident that hap- 
pened at Viennes was the purchase of my pelerine 
(dark blue cloth, with hood, 13 frs.), for I am con- 
vinced that my assumption of this national garb has 
done more for the entente cordiale than anything else 




The mysterious stranger 

which happened on our cruise. The Artist also bought 
a string bag here, for roadside lunches, and he always 
looked very home-like as he came carwards, laden 
with all manner of experiments, including villainous- 
looking sausages that tasted even worse. 1 

1 Most excellent sausages ; Jarge liked them, too. — The Artist. 
He would ! — The Sciibe. 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 47 

The next day's run by the side of the Rhone, all 
the way to Avignon, was one of the prettiest we had 
during the whole journey. Numberless caniveaux all 
along under the mountains gave us time to look about 
us. Here and there on a bluff overhanging the river 




Laden with all manner of experiments 

the ruins of some old castle stood up black against 
the snowy heights above, while dark forests fringed 
the ice-bound banks of the swiftly flowing stream. 
The Artist said it reminded him of the Rhine, and 
I replied that I was afraid he would say that. I 
never yet saw a river that ran between hills that 



48 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

was not said to be like the Rhine, nor — for the matter 
of that — did anything ever happen that did not 
remind our Artist of something else. For instance, 
when I praised the size of the road at Versailles, 
he said it was like the Grand Trunk Road in India. 
He told us the Pyrenees reminded him of the 
country round Simla, that Toledo was like Delhi, 
and that the Royal Road to Barcelona put him in 
mind of riding a camel at Port Said. I told him 
that life to him must be like looking at bound 
volumes of old picture papers, and he retorted that 
he agreed he had heard no new jokes since we 
started. So we returned to the inspection of the 
scenery. After a foggy morning the clouds drifted 
apart and the sun shone out of a deep blue sky. 
This sounds charming, but all the time the Mistral, 
which is a northerly gale off the snowy mountain 
tops by the feel of it, and cold as concentrated ice- 
bergs, was howling along with us, and every native 
was muffled up within an inch of his life. I can 
quite understand why they loathe this wind. At 
Orange there is a very humorous kind of death-trap. 
The road apparently runs straight into the town 
through a magnificent Roman archway, but just 
before you get to it a flight of about six steps into 
a Dutch garden that surrounds the relic informs you 
that it is better to go round. We escaped, because 
Jehu had been there before, but I expect there would 
be plenty of incidents to record if one had time to 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 49 

wait for them. The Artist and I went to get some 
lunch while we filled up with petrol, and found the 
baker we patronised very short of clothes, and his 
hands so covered with dough that we had to get our 
own change out of his till. I think he was satisfied 




.--^ 



A note by the way 

for he did nothing but laugh and scratch his head 
till his hair was like an enormous muffin. The wine 
we bought here was most excellent. 

We were now near enough to Spain to hear the 
first reports as to the passes over the Pyrenees. 
These were never true, but served to either cheer or 



50 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

depress us at the time. Here they said that if the 
frost continued the snow was too deep to let us 
through ; and if it thawed the rivers would make the 
roads impassable. This doleful tale made a sad im- 
pression on us, but later on we used to be profuse in 
our thanks for any information, and pay not the 
slightest regard to it. Take it from me, right here, 
that no one, from the R.A.C. of G.B. and I. (Touring 
Department) to the local goatherd, knows a single 
thing about any road in Spain that deals with its 
condition more than a mile off at the time when you 
ask the question. We knew in February about some, 
but who knows how they are now ? Quien sabe ? 
(My first Spanish !) Round about every one seemed 
very busy working in the vineyards, and all the 
carts were so laden that the horse or mule in the 
shafts was completely out of sight under the cargo 
of hay or straw. This made the passing of them both 
a hard and a soft job, and we collected numerous 
samples in the tonneau. Fur coats continued to be 
worn, and heads completely tied up. This is where the 
Prince — not the fruit — comes from, and we inspected 
the wonderful old Roman amphitheatre, still used by 
the inhabitants to entertain wandering companies of 
trick cyclists and the like. 

Though the sun was shining the Mistral still was 
with us, and as the Artist's costume was so reminis- 
cent of a bear, I suffered myself to pose as an early 
Christian, and so appear to have been sketched in 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 51 

the arena. Then on through picturesque villages, 
our first realisation of the South, to Avignon. Olive 
trees and cypresses were by the roadside now ; there 
was no snow to be seen except on the tops of the 
mountains to the west, and so we felt that Spain 
could not be far away. Avignon is a delightfully 
cheery spot, full of good shops, wide streets, and 
having a really comfortable hotel, which took in the 






Mil 




I posed as an early Christian 



Daily Mail. One of the modern statues in the 
public garden is, so the Artist says, a masterpiece, 
and represents the critical moment in a wrestling 
match. As he stood by it a long time, and bought 
two post-cards, I suppose it is a group which should 
not be passed over. There is a high, white, battle- 
mented wall all round Avignon, and the huge palace 
of the Popes dominates the town ; for once upon a 
time this was a famous city, and the river used to 
bring all sorts of kings and emperors and car- 



52 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

dinals to its gates. I can imagine no place more 
fitted for imposing ceremonial and display, and it 
wants but little effort to call to mind the scene so 
curiously mindful of Tennyson's verse : — 

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad, 
An abbot on an ambling pad ; 
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad, 
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad, 

Goes by to tower'd Camelot. 
And sometimes through the mirror blue 
The knights come riding two and two. 

Even nowadays, in spite of all modern improve- 
ments — and they have them here with a vengeance — 
one cannot get away from the feeling of apology for 
living in such a commonplace age and desecrating 
the old squares and streets with a motor-car. 

I am rather under the impression that I have 
let Avignon off a bit too cheap for such a perfectly 
marvellous and unique place. I mentioned this after 
our return to the Artist, and told him that I intended 
making a great deal of this mediaeval home of 
romance, and should bring all my finest powers of 
description into play. All he said was, " Avignon ? 
Avignon ? Oh, I know ; that beastly place where 
I broke my pipe!" It is perfectly true that he did so, 
and also that he never ceased regretting it for the rest 
of the trip ; but I merely mention this to show that 
I am not entirely to blame if this work does not 
treat the places visited in the spirit it should. It is 
hard to be the only really artistic member of a party ! 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 53 

There are two bridges over the Rhone out of 
Avignon, but only one is much used, for the other 
ends abruptly in the middle, and is only valuable for 
photographic purposes. Our road wound up and up, 
till cultivated land gave way to rocky scrub, cypresses, 
and olives. The air was clear, and we got a splendid 
view for miles all round. Then down and across 
another river by a bridge so much under repair that 
there was a notice up that it was even an offence to 
smoke. The flooring was constructed of loose 
boards, which jumped as the heavily loaded car 
passed over them, and occasionally fell in the water 
below, giving us to think we had smashed something 
important. Then we got to Nimes, where is the 
most perfect Roman arena that exists. It is in 
splendid preservation, and was going to be used that 
evening for some performing bulls and a gymnastic 
exhibition. All the original stone seats were num- 
bered, and, to add to the incongruity of the thing, 
the drains were up. Jehu nearly fell into a deep, 
dark pit while stepping back to photograph Jarge 
and me smoking in the sunshine in the upper boxes. 
By these tokens, I expect, though I cannot confirm 
the idea, that sea pieces used to be represented here. 
I remember, in the days when I studied the classics, 
reading of something of the same sort happening 
somewhere; and, after all, the London Hippodrome has 
them now on a far smaller scale. I believe they have 
a bull-fight here occasionally under modified rules. 



54 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

We were now in carnival time, and all the town 
was gay with flags, even to the trolley poles of the 
tramcars. I think we had some special carnival 
brand of vin ordinaire for lunch, as I suffered much 
pain afterwards. Then through modern, but clean- 
looking Montpellier, past highly-cultivated vineyards 
and big farms to Cette ; and it was near here that 
we got our first view of the Mediterranean, blue as 
ever, and under the sky that is its own particular 
tint, for one never seems to get anything quite like it 
elsewhere. 

All along this part of the Gulf of Lyons — as one 
can see from the map — lagoons abound, in fact most 
of the coast can almost be called double. The out- 
side barrier, fiat, small, and sandy, is in many places 
utilised by the railway, which has the effect of mak- 
ing the stations not only a long way apart, but more 
than usually unget-at-able. I am told that in rough 
weather these land-locked seas are wonderful places for 
wild-fowl, but though we ran by the side of them for 
many miles we did not notice any particular quantity. 
But they be must be grand places for sailing, for 
however rough the sea might be outside the waves 
could never be very large within. And the Gulf of 
Lyons is one of the stormiest bits of the ocean that 
exist — at any rate when I happen to be on it. 

The north wind, as it came off the land, was 
putting little white curls all over the surface, and it 
was good to see once more the quaint-looking little 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 55 

boats, with their table d'Adte-looking sails. We left 
Cette, nestling all round its ancient fortress, between 
us and the sea, and made for the little village of 
Agde, pulling up at the Motel du Cheval Blanc in a 
twilight like the background of an old Italian picture. 

Agde is a bit off the road, and motors are few and 
far between, so the landlord was very pleased to see 
us, and, when he heard we would stay, rushed off to 
pull in the nets that dipped up and down all day 
long in the river outside the front door. It must be 
an engrossing place for an idle man who takes an 
interest in fishing or wants to bet, for all one has to 
do is to sit still and smoke, and for ever some one is 
pulling up one or other net to see if there is any- 
thing in them. I reckon the Agde fishes must be 
very foolish if there are any left, and by the look of 
those we had for dinner that night they seem to have 
cultivated bone at the expense of brain. 

We put the motor to bed in what seemed to be a 
combined cellar-coach-house-larder. It was a dark, 
cavernous sort of Teniers interior, and I was not 
surprised when they told me it was under the old 
fortified city wall, which seems to form the front or 
back of every house in that part of the town. The 
landlord said the kitchens were the other side of the 
wall from the hotel, and I had to tell him that I sup- 
posed they were connected by a soup-turcenean 
passage. I was sorry, especially as it wasn't even 
original, but it amused Jarge. 



56 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

Dinner that night was very great, and served in a 
lordly manner, as befits one of the great eating- 
places of the world. The aforesaid fish was termed 
loup-de-mer, and they certainly looked like young 
sharks. And then came in, whole, what was called 
a poule cCeau, and while we were still wondering 
whether it was a cormorant or a coot, it vanished. 
Anyhow, when it appeared again, exquisitely carved, 
it tasted more like an old, wet, dogskin glove than 
anything else in the world, and so not to offend our 
host, we quietly stripped the flesh off the bones and 
burned it in the charcoal stove. When he came back 
he seemed quite pleased to see how quickly we had 
finished the delicacy, and at one time I feared he 
would insist on bringing in another. Some delightful 
little birds, Mandarin oranges, almonds and raisins, 
and home-made nougat finished the eatables, but not 
the drinkables, for the landlord kept on bringing in 
odd bottles of wine of all sorts from his inner cellars. 
We did our best, but only escaped in the end by 
telling him and the fat, delightful waiter, who blew 
down everybody's neck at once all through the meal, 
that we had taken tickets at the Eldorado, which was 
untrue, but having said so we had to go. And we 
were punished. The man who took our money at 
the entrance locked the door, rushed round behind, 
and appeared in four different comic songs one after 
another. He wore a little straw hat, and was an 
American ; long whiskers, and was an Englishman ; 




z 

< 

< 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 57 

a blue chin, and was a Parisian ; a fair moustache, and 
I couldn't gather what he was at all. The spectators 
were a curiously mixed lot. In the stalls, where we 
sat, most of them were intensely respectable, wore 
gloves, and applauded in the right place. I have my 
suspicions that entertainments such as this one are 
rather rare in Agde. The pit behind us was quite 
empty, but the gallery was crowded with a front row 
of dark-red desperadoes. Probably they were honest 
sons of toil, but the pirates in " Peter Pan " were a 
tame-looking crew in comparison. Somebody at one 
end of the seats had been so bored at a previous 
performance that he had evidently leaned right over 
and drawn a picture of a performer upside down ! 
It puzzled me a long time, and Our Artist, trying 
to make it out, nearly stood on his head before the 
truth struck him. Perhaps it was because we were 
not allowed to smoke that we grew restive, and when, 
between the turns, a procession of waiters, carrying a 
table, chairs, and something in a champagne bottle 
with glasses, passed down the aisle and handed the 
goods on to the stage over the head of the orchestra 
(one piano), Jarge grew quite unmannerly. After 
an interval, which we spent entirely in arguing 
whether we should clear out at once or not, the 
orchestra played " selections." We bore it in the 
hope of better things to come, until a fat soprano, in 
what used to be called a " hug-me-tight " (I believe 
the proper name is ^princesse gown), proved the last 



58 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

straw, and we fled back to the " Cheval Blanc." 
When we got there we found the proprietor, the waiter, 
and the cook playing cards together in the happiest 
manner, and I at once commissioned a full-sized 
picture of them as " Libcrte, Egalite, et Fraternity 
but the Artist appears to have lost it out of his sketch- 
book. Our surprises were not over when we went to 
our bedrooms. There is an old, familiar quotation : — 

Laugh, and the world laughs with you ; 
Snore, and you sleep alone ! 

and when Our Artist sought his lonely couch he at 
once suspected that some one was playing tricks on 
him, for his bed looked more like a tente d'Abri than 
an ordinary or even French place of repose. His 
first impulse was to jump on the suspected humorist ; 
his next was more diplomatic, he went out on the 
landing and called the roll. There were no absentees, 
so he gathered us together, took his courage and the 
bedclothes in both hands, and pulled. If you can 
imagine an ostrich cage made of old lacrosse sticks 
and snowshoes, with a huge red-hot charcoal-filled 
spittoon in a state of suspension inside it, you can 
picture the bed-warmer that was the cause of all this 
excitement. 1 If he had jumped on it, as was his first 

1 I have steadfastly tried not to find fault with the Artist's drawings, 
but his idea of this bed-warmer is not strictly correct, and rather has 
the effect of spoiling my pen-picture. It was really a much more 
complicated arrangement than he has drawn, though I dare say his 
notion might serve the purpose equally well. I think he has done this 
on purpose. — The Scribe. 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 59 

intention, he would have set the town on fire ; and if 
he had got into bed without noticing its presence, he 
would, without doubt, have perished like the Druidical 
sacrifices at Stonehenge, in his native Wiltshire. 

After all these many diversions we slept well, but 
the many clocks and bells of Sunday morning in 
Agde had us up early. Everybody who was not 




A neat thing in bed-warmers 

going to church seemed to be going shooting with 
the most fearful collection of dogs that ever were. 
Our early dcjauier was rather misunderstood, but I 
think the reason we could only have wine was that the 
milk-flock had not come round yet. We did our 
best with the various foods, and I think pleased the 
happy three, but it was very hard work. 

Agde was getting ready for the carnival. Roulette 
tents were being erected all over the place, and 
every other kind of gambling machine. The dead 



60 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

fowls were exquisitely be-ribboned, and live rabbits 
by the hundred filled the big cages in the streets. 
Our departure was witnessed by sorrowing thou- 
sands, and Jehu had to exercise all his skill not to 
run the car over the river wall, which was only 
about twenty feet off the mouth of the garage cave. 
And so we said good-bye to dear little, picturesque, 
and original Agde, with its happy, primitive inhabi- 
tants, and their even more original foods. 

Because we came through this heart of the 
wine country, I have taken a great interest in the 
demonstrations and revolt which have been happen- 
ing all through the early summer. The natives 
we came across seemed to us such a pleasant, 
happy lot — except when they made strong remarks 
about the Mistral, which called for such — that 
it seems hard to believe they could ever be in grim, 
deadly earnest about their affairs. And having 
seen nearly every little town we passed through, 
either in a state of carnival or just about a-going to 
begin it, I refuse to believe they ever processed or 
demonstrated except in an apparently light-hearted 
manner. Even the manufacture and handling of the 
sham guillotines that have been paraded about in all 
the old cities must have been a joy to those concerned, 
while the opportunities for the display of mottoes 
and illustrated post-cards of their leaders should have 
made them perfectly happy. The rage for mottoes 
in France is of longer standing than in England, 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 61 

though I saw last winter in a shop window in some 

depressing midland town some clay pipes with 
" Play up Kidderminster!" printed on them. It was 
years ago that, at a big fishing competition in the 
Seine, several of the competitors arrived with ribbons 
round their hats, on which was printed in gold, 
" Mort aux gudgeons ! " The proceedings began with 
one bugle blast and ended with another, and the 
winner took the prize with a catch about the size of 
a large sardine. I remember one unsuccessful com- 
petitor was much annoyed because his " bag," which 
consisted of a much-damaged graven image he had 
hooked by the halo, was not given a prize. But, to 
return to the wine-growers. I am told that the 
fiercest and most brutal of all the mobs in the 
Reign of Terror were those who came from this 
soft and pleasant land, to the fierce strains of that 
wonderful song which takes its name from its greatest 
city. 

And then to Beziers. Though I should not like 
to have missed Agde, the seeker after comfort should 
have come here. We arrived about midday on 
Sunday ; the band was playing (several, to be exact) 
in the Place, smart folk were walking up and down 
in their Sunday best, people were sitting outside cafes 
— we had only left snowdrifts behind three days ago 
— and all seemed gay. But we, like wandering Jews, 
had to push on, for clear before us now stretched the 
Pyrenees, jagged and white in the blue southern sky, 



62 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

and duty, the fulfilment of much boasting, gave us 
no choice in the matter. We stopped on the bridge 
to photograph the church and the fortress standing 
side by side high over the town, with the distant 
line of the snowy Cevennes behind them, and the 
swollen river below, spanned by another and older 
bridge, whereon a flock of goats kept on pretending 
to be falling over. 

As we were leaving Beziers, on our right the 
jagged outline of the Cevennes showed clear in the 
western sky. I said to the Artist that among those 
mountains lay a most delightful country, and I 
should like to go there some day with him, because 
Stevenson had written about a tour he made in those 
parts once upon a time. Will it be believed that 
he asked who Stevenson was? What I hoped he 
would ask was what book he had written on that 
district, because then I should have replied with a 
quiet smile, " Travels with a Donkey." Some people 
are absolutely hopeless ! 

We lunched that day at Narbonne, which has a 
fine cathedral (from the outside) and a big garrison ; 
otherwise it appeared uninteresting, which is a sure 
sign that it is a town doing well. And here — or rather 
about a mile beyond — we had the misfortune to 
burst a tyre alongside of a gipsy encampment. I 
do not ever remember seeing such an absolutely 
dirty, sore-eyed gang of ruffians in my life before, 
and as the putting on of a new cover in those sur- 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 63 

roundings would have been impossible, we turned the 
car round, and Jehu and the Artist rolled slowly on 
the rim back into the town. Jarge and I saved our 
weight and followed on foot, visiting the local 
cemetery on the way. Graveyards in this part of 
France are extraordinarily tawdry and uninteresting, 
and this one was no exception. If sorrowing rela- 
tives must spend their money on expensive marbles, 
they should go to Italy for copy and get something 
worth having for their money. Although not of a 
morbid disposition, I made a rule of never missing 
campo santo when I was in that land, and I generally 
was rewarded. There was one group at Genoa I 
have never forgotten. It represented a whiskered 
widower in dress clothes knocking at a marble door, 
which a skeleton was opening and unmistakably 
telling him to go away, while through a blue-glass 
window could be discerned a wheelbarrow, some 
besoms, spades, and the usual lot of tools necessary 
for keeping the place in order. I suppose there was 
another door, but the gentleman would have been 
very surprised if he had obtained admittance. And 
of course there were always heaps of inconsolable 
widows. But at Narbonne it was all very dull and 
cheap. 

When we emerged from our inspection, the motor, 
of course, was out of sight, but I called Jarge's atten- 
tion to the wheelmarks and followed them up. The 
motor appeared to have visited the lowest part of 



64 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the town, and we were becoming quite weary when 
we ran to earth a totally different car with both its 
back tyres flat. So we had to make another cast, 
and at length found the Daimler at the principal 
garage in the main street. Jehu was superintending 
the removal of the cover by a mechanician evidently 
aroused from his Sunday afternoon sleep, and the 
Artist had gone off to arrange a midday meal for 
us all. We left the poor repairer wrestling with a 
new tyre, and the others thoroughly enjoyed a very 
sumptuous repast. But either loup-de-mer or poule 
d'eau at Agde had been too much for me, and my 
lunch consisted of two liqueur brandies and a bird 
that looked like a lesser shrike. When they had 
finished, we returned to the garage and found the 
skilled workman had managed to nip two inner 
tubes, and the job was no forrader than it had been 
an hour ago. Jehu and Jarge fell to and worked like 
niggers, but the Artist and I sat on the stone bridge 
and watched the carnival go by in the sunlight to 
the music of at least half a dozen bands. But sun- 
light and carnivals do not mix very well, and the 
gaiety was a trifle forced, though our replies to the 
constant stream of badinage seemed to be very 
mirth-provoking. Not that I did much in the matter. 
I was still thinking of the " Cheval Blanc " at Agde, and 
hoping I should not come to be buried in that melan- 
choly cemetery I had so lately visited. Then the 
car appeared again, and we ran past the big cathedral 




I HUH 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 65 

amid chattering soldiery all streaming toward the 
gay carnival. 

Perpignan, nestling under the northern spurs of 
the Pyrenees, was our goal that evening, and as we 
ran along the sea-coast the vines gave way to low 
scrub, and the rocks showed up grey through the 
thin, scratchy soil. Old border castles frowned from 
every eminence — frowned is the only word that ex- 
presses how they looked — each one as if every 
tragedy that ever was had been hatched and carried 
out within its gloomy walls. And then we climbed 
up one long slope, and behold, in front of us the 
great rampart of snow, stretching for miles each 
way, and ever growing bigger as the eye looked 
westward, till the confused mass of tumbled white 
peaks mixed with the clouds that were gathering 
round the setting sun. And those peaks were Spain 
— Spain that we had come such a long way to see, 
and now were so near. 

And then another dozen miles across the flat on a 
good road, the last one we were to see until we got to 
Biarritz again after many trials and tribulations, and 
we reached Perpignan. We stopped at the Grand 
Hotel, a big, imposing place, and had a very good 
dinner in an excessively cold and large room. We 
stowed the Daimler at M, Sine's garage, and found 
the proprietor a mine of information. There seemed 
to be nothing he did not know about, and we came 
away with the impression that he frequently ran to 

F 



66 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

Barcelona and back in the afternoon in one of his 
cars. 

As everywhere else, Carnival was supreme in 
Perpignan, and we spent a very amusing evening 
watching the very young folk, who went in for it 
heart and soul. Some of the costumes were very 
good, especially a black policeman in a white suit, 
and, what was better, every one looked as if they 
enjoyed it. I suppose they did, for they kept it up 
all night, and next morning, taking an early walk, I 
found a funeral procession almost blocked at one 
place by the drift of confetti and paper streamers 
that had accumulated there ! I should like to have 
sketched it, only I do not think it would be quite 
understood, and second-hand confetti is a very 
difficult thing to draw really well. 

We laid in all the petrol and oil we could find at 
M. Sine's, for every one told us we were going to a 
land where it was 6s. a gallon when you were able to 
get it, and, as a rule, impossible to procure. But we 
found out that this, like all other information as to 
Spain, was a little incorrect. There was one English- 
man in Perpignan, and he nearly wept as we 
departed and left him alone. He told us a big 
English ship had gone ashore about fifteen miles 
away, and he was there to get it off, or draw the club 
money or something, and we were the first English 
people he had spoken to for a week. I hope he still 
lives, but it is not a lively spot for a lonely sojourn. 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 67 

About twenty kilometres of vine country, with aloe and 
prickly pear hedges, strange-looking carts drawn by 
strings of mules, and we were climbing up to the 
village of Perth 11 s, where in the pass the frontiers of 
Spain and France meet. The road twisted and rose 
through cork woods and over bridges, till a few 
houses and the worst road in France showed us we 
were near the borderland. Now one of the greatest 
international sports is for the Customs officers to let 
a car run by out of their country without getting the 
papers signed, so forfeiting the deposit. Hut we knew 
all about this, and so we stopped outside the French 
douane and got the required signatures. And then 
on a little further and the Spanish Custom House 
was ready for us. 

Now here occurred a little contretemps — the last 
endeavour of Fate to keep us out of the promised 
land. Before we left England we had taken the 
trouble to find out exactly what the cost would be to 
enter a big car into Spain, and it was computed that 
it would amount to about fifty-nine pounds odd. 
But M. Sine at Perpignan assured us that it would 
not be more than fifty, and of course we took it for 
granted he knew, and made our arrangements ac- 
cordingly. We were much surprised then to find 
our original estimate was the correct one, and Jarge, 
as treasurer, asked me if I had enough money to 
make up the difference. I told him I had been care- 
ful not to go into Spain with a lot of French money, 



68 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

and passed him on to the Artist, who remarked the 
same idea had struck him. It was no good trying 
Jehu, for he had entrusted all his cash to Jarge, who 
had spent it long ago. Therefore, when we added 
up our odds and ends we found that, even if we sur- 
rendered all we had, we should be about five pounds 
short, and it certainly did not seem wise to enter a 
foreign country without any visible means of sub- 
sistence except Mr. Cook's coupon-books. The only 
way of escape seemed to be to go back to Perpignan 
and visit the bank once more. We tried to cajole the 
douanier to let us through cheap, to allow us to send 
him the amount from Barcelona, but, although 
charming, he was adamant in three languages. I 
wasted a packet of Log-Cabin on him which I had been 
nursing in my pocket with a tin of cigarettes and 
my revolver, but even that had no effect. Then the 
marvellous fertility of Our Artist showed itself. He 
asked what the little wires that ran by the road were 
for, and if they possibly were telephone ones. 
"Oui! Oui! Si! Si! O yas ! " said the bearded 
officer, and off flew our little know-it-all, accom- 
panied with the polyglot son of the agent, to the 
telephone office. Jehu and Jarge and I amused 
ourselves by taking photographs of the frontier 
pillars and generally catechising the village as to 
their unique position. All the babies were brought 
out to inspect the English, and of course picture 
post-cards of the Queen of Spain were submitted to 



TO THE MEDITERRANEAN 69 

us. The Spaniard end of the village seemed in- 
tensely loyal and pleased with their monarchs, but 
regretted that King Alfonso had never seen good to 
come that way on his automobile. I told them I 
would inform him as to what he had missed when we 
got to Madrid, and they cheered up at the idea. It 
was raining very slightly while we were waiting, and 
as I happened to be prowling about inside the 
douane, I was suddenly set on by some of the guardian 
soldiers and conducted to a large and gloomy cellar. 
I was not much frightened, because their faces were 
by no means set and their wives and daughters 
shrieking with glee, but I put on my most insouciant 
air and wondered what on earth was about to 
happen. I soon discovered. Why I mention it was 
raining is because I had on my big Burberry motor 
coat with thick camel-hair-fleece lining, and very 
well-filled pockets. Now, as will be seen by the 
accompanying illustrations, I am by no means small 
in automobile costume, and my size evidently was 
rather a rarity in these parts; consequently I soon 
gathered that the reason of my arrest was merely 
for them to have the pleasure of weighing me, and 
though I have not the least idea how many libra I 
balanced, I have reason to think I quite came up to 
their expectations. Jehu thought we might all have 
to pay duty on our avoirdupois, but I was let go 
when they had scored the amount on the wall with a 
bit of chalk. I added a picture of myself as I felt I 



;o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

looked, and their joy was complete. Then the rain 
stopped, and the international village school came and 
had a look at us. They were very pleasant children, 
and well educated in at least two modern languages. 

I was just receiving a lesson in the names of 
Spanish coins, their value, and how to tell bad ones, 
when I heard a British cheer, and the Artist came 
running down the mountain. 

He told us he had telephoned to M. Sine (the cause 
of the delay), and that M. Sine had expressed his 
woe, and telephoned to the agent — who was the 
brother-in-law apparently of the upright douanier 
— to lend us the money. So that was all right, and 
as the agent was away, the aforesaid douanier lent 
the money to the agent's son, who gave it to Jarge, 
who gave it — in addition to the original amount — 
back again to the douanier, and everybody concerned 
was satisfied. After this performance the luggage 
examination was merely formal, we all exchanged 
cigarettes, got into the car, saluted the Spanish 
obelisk, took off the side-brakes, and rolled down 
into " Sunny Spain " without even starting the big 
engine that had borne us so well and so unfalteringly 
across the snow and ice of France, to this soft, warm 
land of Manana. Perhaps if it had known what it was 
in for, it might not have been quite so complaisant. 



CHAPTER III 
THE WATER-BOUND CAR 

And we had to carry Carrie to the ferry, 
And the ferry carried Carrie to the shore ; 

And the reason that we had to carry Carrie 
Was — that Carrie couldn't carry any more. 

American National Son 



6 



FACILIS descensus Averni." Spain, then, is 
in the opposite direction, for it is not long 
after leaving Perthiis that one feels the genius who 
presides over French roads has no influence beyond 
his native land. Now, I am by no means an un- 
reasonable person, and as we only met one pleasure- 
carriage in the next hundred miles (and that one 
following a hearse), I am bound to say I do not 
know why good roads should be expected. It is 
true that maps of Spain — May their makers be con- 
demned to suffer as we did! — make no distinction 
between their various qualities. With them a road 
is a road, and a wide one a first-class one. And this 
seems a fitting place for a disquisition on vehicular 
traffic in Spain. Now, nine-tenths of it is drawn by 
mules, who are harnessed in single file, never less 
than three in a row, generally five. The driver 

71 



72 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

— excuse the word, which even now makes me 
smile — is either asleep in the plaited-grass bottom 
of the cart, or else chatting with his friends about 
half a mile behind. This rule only admits of the 
exception that in certain parts of the country a 
mixture of the dolce far niente and siesta habit 
provides a cart with a wooden box, like a wireless 
rabbit-hutch, slung between the wheels, wherein the 
driver takes his rest. When the Daimler came near, 
aroused by the repeated honk-honks of the horn or 
electrified by my bugle, a blue-chinned, smiling peon 
used to emerge from its comfortable inside and take 
steps to disentangle the team, which by that time 
was either in echelon formation, four-in-hand, or 
engaged in the grand chain of the lancers. I will 
say, though sometimes a trifle alarmed, these un- 
warrantably awoken folk were never annoyed with 
us, and were always ready for a chat. So was the 
Artist ; but as unfortunately he had learned Anda- 
lusian Spanish, their Catalan patois prevented a great 
deal of conversation. Still, he was always first to 
jump out, and after securing the tangled animals, 
ask how many leagues it was to the next town. The 
answer generally came in hours, and we soon learned 
how happy was this phraseology ; for there is only 
one pace in most of Spain, whatever the motive 
power. 

Now, Our Artist had made a New Year's resolution 
when he was learning Spanish to salute every one 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 73 

he met in Spain in the approved manner. And he 
began very well, saying, as he had been instructed, 
con Dios to everybody we met. In fact his method 
of sitting back and saluting was absolutely royal in 
performance, and I had to caution him that he might 
get run in as a Carlist Pretender if he did not 
moderate his style a bit. But when one string of 
mules had irretrievably tied themselves in a knot at 
the sight of the car during the temporary absence 
of their guide, the pleasant greeting seemed a little 
out of place, and by the look of the recipient might 
have been translated as " You do want looking after." 
Yet he kept it up for several more miles in an inter- 
mittent manner, and only finally gave it up alto- 
gether when one small boy heaved a rock at the 
car in reply to the salutation. But I do not wish 
my readers to think that it is not usual to say it, 
quite the contrary ; but what he found out was that 
a motor car in motion is not the best of places to 
utter it. 

While on the subject of stone-throwing, it was a 
curious fact that the only two stones that were shied 
at the car came at one time, and on this very first 
day in Spain. We told the nearest policeman of 
the incident, and showed him the marks on the 
paint. He expressed his horror, looked to his carbine, 
and the last we saw of him was marching off 
towards the scene of the outrage. I wish stone- 
throwing in England was as rare as it is in Spain. 



74 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

To return to the disquisition. There are no laws 
in Spain as to width of wheels, so all carts have the 
same one-inch tyres. As the fashion is not to drive, 
but to sleep, the mules wander where they like in 
the road, though how on earth the driver explains their 
destination to them when they start, I know not. 
Perhaps, like different-coloured omnibuses, they have 
their defined routes and refuse all others. 

As to the track, I suppose in the beginning one 
team first went along the road where it was easiest, 
and ever since then the rest have followed its lead. 
But in some enlightened parts, further south, they 
have a local authority to deal with, in the shape of a 
man with red stripes down his legs and a cap with a 
brass stencil plate on it, who defines the limit of his 
power with planted bannerettes, such as distinguish 
the different kinds of sandwiches at a Kensington 
Cinderella. He comes along and says, " Hullo ! Bit 
too much of a rut here ; one of these fine days a cart'll 
get stuck in it. Let me see, suppose I give it a rest." 
This he does by putting enormous rocks down in the 
mule part of the track. The next mules that come 
along feel a bit annoyed, decline to jump the 
obstacles, and start a fresh track on the unimpeded 
remainder, marking out a new course, which is 
religiously followed by the rest of their kind, no 
matter in which direction they are going. Presently 
this track is similarly obstructed, and then the real 
skill in motor-driving can be shown. Do not think 




TRACES OF CIV! 1. 1/.' 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 75 

because you know the roads in England that roads in 
Spain are anything like them. Their only charac- 
teristics in common are that they go from place to 
place, are on the face of the earth, and have 
boundaries on each side. Except near Biarritz, and 
occasionally round Madrid, my experience is that 
there are no other points in common. There is not a 
steam-roller (I challenge contradiction — if there is, it 
never coincided with our course — ), loose metal of 
all sizes forms the ordinary surface — we came across 
seven hundred miles of it, any one of which at home 
would be described in the Autocar as "rendering 
motor traffic impossible." And yet the car went 
over it, and what is more, our original front pair of 
non-skidding Dunlops came home as useful as ever, 
with their original air inside them, though looking 
almost indecent in their absolute freedom from rubber. 
I believe that Spanish roads cannot even be trusted 
with leather boots, which no doubt is the reason that 
almost every one wears grass-soled slippers. But the 
tyres did hold out, and deserve putting in a museum 
with specimens of the road they traversed. 

I trust by this time I have fully explained the 
nature of these arteries of traffic, and I repeat that all 
maps are quite unreliable as to whether the roads go 
over the rivers or whether the rivers go over the 
roads. Generally the latter, but it depends on the 
time of year. Also no one knows anything about 
the road more than a mile away. The questioned 



76 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

one will invariably inform you, with his " courtly 
Spanish grace," that everything is as you desire. 
One great nobleman — to whom for many things we 
were greatly indebted — remarked of one road we had 
sad cause to remember when we met it : " Ccst an 
salon." As a matter of fact it was more like a 
skittle-alley with millions of skittles in it. But such 
information used to cheer one up at the time. 

And now let us return to our travels. 

The road down the southern slope of the Pyrenees 
was just what I pictured roads in Spain to be, but 
unfortunately this particular sample did not last 
more than ten miles. We could see and feel we had 
come into quite a different country, hedges of aloes 
and prickly pear giving it a most tropical look, to 
say nothing of the mules. The olive harvest was 
on — there seems to be always some kind of a harvest 
in progress in Spain — and crowds of children were 
busy picking up the fruit. We were wildly cheered, 
and created such immense excitement that my 
suspicions that motors were not quite so common on 
this road as they told us was the case at Perpignan 
began to be confirmed. And about here we came 
across our first Spanish dogs. Of all the brutes that 
exist I think a Spanish dog is about the worst. 
Huge, neutral-tinted, and of no definite breed, he 
seems the sort of beast that would run after a night- 
mare, and devour Hounds of the Baskervilles for pure 
fun. They never lay in the roads, but would dash 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 79 

out at the car with fearful barks and dripping jowls. 
We never ran over any (two French fowls on the first 
day was our total bag during all our travels, and 
nothing could have saved these from the conse- 
quences of their folly), but it was not to their credit. 
Every village had at least a hundred, and they would 
rush along with, behind, and in front of the car in an 
ecstasy of fury. We purchased a heavy whip at 
Gerona that very night, and henceforward a new joy 
was added to life. I think Jehu felt quite out of 
it at the wheel as we three quarrelled for its posses- 
sion. We at one time thought of having a whip 
each, but decided that for our own safety's sake one 
was enough. The natives looked on our dog- 
whipping as the height of humour, and yelled with 
laughter when our shots went home. I remember 
one awful animal at Torquemada (where Thomas the 
Inquisitor came from). First of all he barged into 
the wheel, then I caught him round the neck, and the 
last we saw of him was his owner breaking his best- 
slippered toe over his ribs. I expect that dog is 
a confirmed anti-motorist. 

We were forbidden to go to Gerona by the usual 
road owing to the fact that the river was in high 
flood, so when we reached the curious old town of 
Figueras, where the usual carnival was obstructing 
traffic, we turned off due west for about fifteen miles 
to Bezalu, crossed the river there, and came south- 
east to Gerona. The road to Bezalu lay through the 



So THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

best scenery that we saw in all our trip. Big black 
woods, deep dark coombes, isolated crags with castles 
perched over the little villages huddled together for 
protection at their feet, and all the way the great 
white mountains clear above and keeping them from 
the cold north wind we had left behind in France. 
Be^zalu itself stands out in my mind now as the most 
perfect type of a really picturesque town. It was 
getting too dark to photograph when we came to 
it, there was no place to put up at there, and so 
regretfully we came along the twenty miles between 
there and Gerona. Our lightning Artist — who was 
never tired of demonstrating how much quicker 
and handier a pencil is than a camera — dashed off 
a recollection of the church-crowned place, fortified 
and battlemented to the water's edge far down in 
the dark gorge that almost encircles it. We went 
through a good many villages, but nowhere, save 
perhaps in the Basque country, were the streets so 
narrow as here. And the houses on each side, not 
content with a paltry six-feet clearance on the 
ground, must needs lean over towards each other, so 
that, as every window owned a balcony, the " Royal 
Road" through Bczalu was about as easy to drive 
through as a thickly populated tunnel. Our financial 
errors at La Perthus, in conjunction with the un- 
avoidable dtHour, had delayed us so long that when 
we left this lovely spot it was getting dark. Indeed, 
the Artist, who, as I have previously remarked, was 



THK WATER-BOUND CAR Si 

not a hardened motorist, suggested our turning hack 
and putting up with the discomfort of the only fonda 
we had seen. I pointed out that I had noticed 
chickens running in and out of the front door, and 
oxen stalled in the entrance hall, but he waved my 
objections aside and said that in Spain we must do 
as the Spaniards do. But he was only one against 
three, so we pushed ahead. At the next village 
Jarge seemed rather vacillating as to going on, but 
a native, who smattered a little French, told us there 
was no hotel here either, and the road to Gerona was 
magnificent. So on we went again, until the electric 
lights of a town gave us to think that we had 
arrived. But the result of more inquiries showed 
we were wrong once more and, sick of a long day's 
motoring, we set out again. This time we got on to 
deep loose metal, and after about two miles of 
torture we came through a fine old fortified city 
gate into a maze of narrow streets. We caught a 
young native and compelled him to come along with 
us, and under his guidance we found a resting-place 
for the car and ourselves. Now Gerona is a fine and 
most interesting town, and because it was the first 
Spanish town we had stopped at, our photographers 
were very busy. The appearance of the cathedral 
here gives one the idea that they stopped building 
it in a hurry, but the external defacements that 
convey this impression are probably due to the fact 
that, in 1809, Alvarez with a small Spanish garrison, 




82 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

and some English volunteers, held out for seven 
months against thirty-five thousand Frenchmen, and 
a huge number of guns, and only gave in when he 
had no more ammunition or food. A very clever 
group in the market-place commemorates this siege, 
and our only regret is that there seems to have been 
no room for the English volunteers in it. 

We stopped at the Hotel Italianos, and most com- 
fortable it was. In spite of our desire to show off 
our Spanish it was a relief to have a French-speak- 
ing landlord, and a positive joy to meet with an 
English-speaking Spaniard after dinner. Perhaps it 
was this polyglot assemblage that prevented our 
surprise being too marked at the fact that the cook- 
ing was excellent, the wine likewise, and our beds 
and bedrooms above praise. Indeed, we were told 
that Mr. Joseph Chamberlain once stayed there him- 
self. My apartment was more like Richard Ill's 
tent on Bosworth Field than anything else. My bed 
was in a lace pavilion in one corner, and Jarge's was 
like the cradle of a giant's heir in the other. The 
flooring was of fancy tiling, and the ceiling heavily 
decorated. Of course there was electric light. No 
village or town in Spain is too small or poor to have 
it. I verily believe the wires stick out of the earth 
complete, for though we never saw any visible place 
for its manufacture, it was always there, even in the 
wash-houses, stables, and hanging up in the trees 
outside. But I have rather anticipated events in my 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 83 

description of this illuminated bedroom, for after 
dinner the English-speaking Spaniard volunteered to 
take us to a carnival ball. First of all we took our 




Our gorgeous beds 

coffee at the fashionable cafe. Three things struck 
me : first, that each lump of sugar was wrapped up in 
paper to score off the flies ; secondly, that dog-fights 
are encouraged and immensely popular in cafes; and 
thirdly, that if you order coffee you have a decanter 



84 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

of liqueur brandy thrown in. But when I tasted this 
gratis brandy I ceased to wonder quite so much at 
this last trait. The carnival ball was at the theatre, 
and we : as distinguished guests, were given a box. 




None but the Brave 



Like every one else, we purchased confetti and long 
coils of coloured paper like cricket tape-measures, 
which you hang on to one end and throw where you 
list. Very soon the whole place is a web of stream- 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 85 

ers of all shades, obstructing the fiddlers, tripping up 
the dancers, and tickling the necks of the people 
below. With the exception of this confetti-throwing, 
everything was most decorous. Every one was nicely 
dressed, and behaved with the reputed manners of 
princes. There was no scene of wild gaiety or Bac- 
chanalian revel. In fact, we could have done with 
more life, for if it had not been for one gallant officer 
in full (and beautiful) uniform, who came in with 
about five pounds' worth of paper ammunition, and 
indiscriminately hove it at all and general, to the 
great delight of the scfwritas and the annoyance of 
their ununiformed caballeros, we should have been 
obliged to put down the proceedings as dull. And 
so to our gorgeous beds. 

My only complaint as to some of the hotels in 
France and Spain is one that has a sufficient answer. 
And it is that, for visitors who come to them in the 
cold winter time, the tiled bedroom floors are rather 
chilly. We had cut down our luggage as much as 
possible, and so slippers as luxuries had been con- 
demned. As a rule, the bedrooms were big, and a 
little strip of matting by each bedside was all the 
floor-covering supplied. This, I am told, lends itself 
to cleaning — which is more than most hotel bed- 
rooms at home do — and also is very hygienic. Like- 
wise in the summer it helps to keep the rooms cool. 
But in February this advantage does not count 
for much, and progress to and from the basin and 



86 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

bath took the form of huge leaps, or else feet that 
refused to be comforted at the early morning stove- 
side. But, after all, this is a very minor detail, and it 
would be a good English hotel that possessed no 
more serious fault than this one. 

On the morrow came the photographing, and a 
dearth of language to fit the occasion when the 
inhabitants would pose in hundreds in front of any 
bit that we wanted to take. In the end we had to 
circumvent them by a feint. While I made huge 
preparations for a picture in one direction, thereby 
drawing off the populace, the required view was 
quietly taken by the professors. We also inspected 
the cathedral, which I am informed (but I will not 
maintain if contradicted) has the biggest span of any 
nave in Christendom. The effect is very fine, and 
one perhaps may realise the splendour of size and 
silence better here than in any other I have ever 
visited. Famous piles such as St. Peter's at Rome, 
Lincoln Cathedral, or even the gem of the world at 
Burgos, do not in the least convey the same impres- 
sion, for the first is always full of sightseers, the 
second usually of carpenters, and the third almost 
too much of a treasure-house of art. Properly to 
visit a cathedral and enter into its meaning, one 
should go alone from out of the noonday glare into 
the cold quiet darkness between the great pillars, 
where nothing breaks the stillness but the gliding of 
dark forms across the empty spaces and the mono- 



THE WATKR-BOUND CAR 87 

tonous chanting of male voices out of sight in the 

dim oaken seats of the coro. There is a verse of 

Kipling's " Buddha at Kamakura" that always comes 

to me at times like these : — 

And down the loaded air there comes 
The thunder of Thibetan drums, 
And droned — Om mane fiadme oms 
A world's width from Kamakura. 
****** 

We did not hurry from Gerona, for maps and other 

authorities told us our destination was not more than 

sixty miles away. When we started we careered 

gaily out of the town and along quite a fair road for 

about thirty miles, until we entered the province of 

Barcelona. We had been foolish enough to believe 

that because Barcelona town was described as the 

Manchester of Spain, its neighbourhood would be in 

a highly civilised condition. Nothing could be 

further from the truth. The boundary between the 

provinces is high up amid cork woods and picturesque 

scenery — I think a little stream, hardly worth slowing 

down for, marks the division — but as soon as we 

were across we began to realise how bad roads could 

be. We encountered several of these splashes on the 

road, and one seemed quite imposing enough to pose 

the car in as a specimen of a Spanish obstacle. The 

humour of this carefully thought-out picture was not 

apparent till later. After emerging from the brook 

we were assured by a pleasant-spoken native that 

we were now right all the way for Barcelona, and we 



88 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

pushed on. By the maps the road ran across the 
river Tordera just beyond the first railway we en- 
countered in Spain, but judge our surprise when 
a mighty flood about sixty yards wide and full of 
snow-broth barred our way. We stopped and held 




A brigand-looking gentleman 



a council of war. We inquired as to alternative routes, 
the railway track, or as to fords higher up, but there 
seemed to be no other wayexcept going back toGerona 
and putting the car in the train. Several brigand- 
looking gentlemen came up and offered to pull us 
through with horses. " Oh, yes, this was frequently 



.-•> 




THE WATER-BOUND CAR 89 

done, and four horses would be enough. It would be 
40 pesetas " (about 30s.). Carts came through while 
we were waiting, and by the height their wheels were 
submerged we judged that the depth was not more 
than three feet and a half at the most. So we con- 
sented, let the engine cool down, removed the coil 
and all spares from below the level of the floor- 
boards, and waited amid an ever-growing crowd for 
the horses. When they came three of them turned 
out to be mules. Their picturesque owners removed 
most of their garments, and hitched the animals to 
the poor car. It took about half an hour to arrange 
the various ropes, and meanwhile the local alcalde 
(which is Spanish, according to the size of the village, 
for the mayor or chairman of the Parish Council) 
arrived with a friend, a gun, and about twenty weird- 
looking dogs, who all promptly curled up where they 
were and slept in yellow heaps. At last the team was 
in order, and a start was imminent ; but fate, in the 
shape of an ordinary green peewit, intervened. The 
unfortunate bird flapped over the crowd, and the 
alcalde, who had been flinging his gun about in the 
most casual manner all the while, saw it, fired ; and, 
wonderful to relate, killed it. Up jumped all the 
dogs barking, and away in different directions went 
the carefully-arranged mules. In another half-hour 
the flag fell to quite a good start. The crowd, yelling 
and swearing, accompanied the animals and Jehu, 
who sat impassively at the wheel, across the river by 



go THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the footbridge till about ten yards from the shore, 
where we would be. Then the car stuck in deep 
sand, and slowly began to settle. Hours passed, 
more mules and ropes and whips were pressed into 
the service, but of no avail, till we feared the gallant 
Daimler would be for ever buried in the muddy 
Tordera waters. The crowd grew bigger and bigger, 
but not one of them would lend a helping hand. 
I thought they expected wreckage on the next day, 
but similar adventures afterwards showed us that 
this is their usual habit, and the true reason that has 
made a Spaniard (in Spain) the type of pure un- 
adulterated laziness. Then we got logs of wood, 
scotched the wheels behind as the mules pulled for- 
ward, and prised up the axles. And so little by 
little she emerged, and at last, with floor-boards 
dripping, full of sand and grit, stood on the southern 
bank. My previous experience of other brands of 
cars in floods led me to think that it would be days 
before she would start, but to our surprise no sooner 
was the coil back and the float-chamber full of petrol 
again, than off she went. Anything to get away 
from the crowd, so littered up with baggage and 
spares in the tonneau, Jehu ploughed on across half 
a mile of shingle, leaving Jarge and me toiling in 
the rear. He dared not stop for fear of sticking 
again, and the climax came with another river not 
wide or deep, but visibly shifting in sand. Jarge 
splashed through somehow, but I went back to the 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 91 

footbridge, which was about twenty feet high, and 
crowded with Spaniards returning to the interrupted 
carnival from the late water-frolic. Now the only 
available end of the footbridge was about a quarter 
of a mile back. So I made up my mind to climb 
its pillars. About a quarter of a century ago I 
should have thought nothing of it, but I had got 
out of the practice of doing such things. How- 
ever, in spite of nails, punctures, tears, and rust, I 
stuck to it, and amid the hoarse cheers of the crowd, 
which was laying heavily against me, succeeded. I 
feel sure that Tordera's opinion of England was in- 
creased by my feat, and so, though very sore and 
bruised, I was well pleased with my performance. 

We lunched about two miles away, after the most 
energetic inhabitant had at last left us alone, on a 
sausage, some cheese, and a bottle of local wine. We 
did not know then that Jehu had potted meat for 
dire necessities, as an emergency ration, in his spare 
bag. That necessity arose about three days from the 
end of our trip, and then only for fear of not using 
it at all. Jehu always had a bit up his sleeve. 

When we started again we put her head almost 
due south for the top end of the big plain that divides 
the sea from the mountains all down the east coast of 
Spain. For the benefit of those who have forgotten 
their geography, I mention that Spain may be com- 
pared to a big soup-plate turned upside down. The 
inverted rim is the highly cultivated sea-coast flatland, 



92 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

and the upside-down business part of the plate is the 
enormous plateau whereof Spain mainly consists. 
The climate and seasons of the two parts are very- 
distinct. This dissertation over, we will now resume 
our travels. The road ran over countless caniveaux, 
up and down hill through a picturesque region, which 
the surface gave us plenty of time to admire. I 
should think we crossed a young stream, or the bed 
of one, every hundred yards, until once more we 
viewed the Mediterranean. And even there they 
exist, as I find they always do, where the mountains 
are close to the coast. We now had the railway as a 
companion, but where it ran through comfortable 
level tunnels we climbed zig-zaggy tracks, and slid 
down horrible gradients. We had given up hopes of 
Barcelona that night, and as it was getting dark were 
on the look out for the nearest respectable-looking 
fonda. We reached one pretty little village and felt 
sure that here we could rest, but were informed there 
was no inn of any kind that could put us up. So in 
the gathering gloom we made on for a place on the 
map called Arenys. But fate had another surprise 
for us. Right at the end of the village a river crosses 
the road, and going under the railway disappears in 
the sea. As a rule I expect it is merely a dry rambla, 
but the Pyrenean melted snow was keeping it fairly 
busy on that night. And in the darkness we got off 
the track of the ordinary ford and again found our- 
selves stuck in the yielding sand. Our driving-wheels 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 93 

scooped deep trenches, hut all of no avail, and once 
more a rope was heaved at us and the brawny arms 
of fishermen pulled the car back to St. Pol de Mar. 
We were just meditating whether we should have 
another smack at the water or sleep in the motor, 
when the Good Samaritan appeared in the shape of 
a courtly Spaniard, who spoke perfect English with 
an American accent. He would take no denial, nor, 
as we soon found out, anything else. We were his 
guests, had not Heaven sent us to him? I put it on 
record that Heaven sent him to us. And so the car 
was lodged in the Town Hall— we broke the municipal 
notice-board using it as a ramp to run the car up the 
step that raised the Council-chamber above the road 
— our luggage was taken care of, and we were marched 
up narrow streets to the home of Senor Melchior Valls- 
Roura. Now this gentleman had been the senior 
messenger to the Spanish Embassy in Washington, 
and on him had the duty fallen when war was declared 
to look after the Embassy. Quietly but sadly, after 
dinner that night he told us his tale in the big room 
that looked over the restless sea. Picture the position 
of a man, one who loved his country, left alone in 
the empty building which he had looked on as part 
and parcel of Spain amid millions of his opponents. 
He had said his farewell to the others, and seen them 
drive away to the station en route for Canada and 
home. And then the negro cab-drivers had come 
back and demanded payment for the cabs from him. 



94 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

No doubt they had been paid properly by the de- 
parting staff, but here was their chance to make a bit 
more, so, accompanied by a howling mob, they tried 
it on. His words were : " I came out to them, gave 
them a dollar each without a question, and as I turned 
to go in again, a big stone hit me on the head, and I 
don't remember any more till I found myself lying in 
the hall in the dark." Luckily kind friends from 
the other Embassies looked after him, and he 
was soon none the worse for the blow. And now 
he is taking a well-earned rest in his beloved native 
village. 

The dinner he gave us was of the best, everything, 
he was proud to say, from the village itself — mutton, 
sausages, fish, grapes, nuts, oranges, dates, cheese, 
and wine. Happy village ! His two nephews, sail- 
makers, dined with us, and we sat yarning till ten 
o'clock, when Senor Valls-Roura announced his in- 
tention of taking us to the two Shrove-Tuesday 
carnival balls that were in progress. So we went, 
danced, and enjoyed ourselves hugely in the jolliest 
company I have ever come across. All sorts were 
there, some in their everyday garments, some in 
their best, and some in masks. But everybody was 
equal, and everybody was happy. There was free 
wine for those who wanted it, nothing to pay for " 
admission, and all ages were present, but not a soul 
was anything but courteous and well-mannered. " In 
St. Pol," said our friend, " we know how to enjoy 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 95 

ourselves; there was a man once here who used to 
get drunk, but he was lonely, and has gone to live in 
Barcelona — or very likely he is dead." 

The Artist was very busy and, when he was not 




The Revellers 



being hustled off to dance, had his sketch-book out 
and an admiring crowd all round him. All the mas- 
queraders must be sketched. " Certainly." And the 
dark, grinning Catalans, in the big red caps? "Of 
course." And the little muchachas ? " Why, yes ! " 
And their mothers too? " Let 'em all come." I think 



96 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

he would never have got away as long as his book 
lasted, if suddenly the big bell of the parish church 
had not sounded out, clear and deep, its message that 
Carnival was over and Lent had come. Once a year, 
and on this night only, does that bell ring, and the 
guitars and castanets stopped in the middle of the 
tune, every cap was pulled off, and slowly and sadly 
the merry-makers went home. And then to our 
comfortable beds, though I fear our host and his 
sisters put themselves sadly out for our entertain- 
ment. Next morning, from my bedroom window, 
I saw the sun rise out of the sea, which was dash- 
ing against the rocks below the village, and I am 
sure it shines on no neater, sweeter village in its 
long round than St. Pol de Mar. After breakfast, 
bunches of violets and roses, and a very difficult 
grouping of our hosts before the camera, we boarded 
the car again, waved farewells to most of the village 
who had come to see us depart, and successfully 
charged the river that had enabled us to say, as Jehu 
put it, " We have learned a lesson here as to what 
true hospitality is." For our friend had refused even 
to allow us to refund the money he had spent at the 
village store on our entertainment. But I am happy 
to say we found a way to get level with him, though, 
like the widow's mite, kindness such as his could 
never be adequately rewarded. 

As to the journey through Arenys, Mataro, Bada- 
lona, to Barcelona, I prefer to be more or less silent. 



. 



J-/ 



; 





>. -^> 






THE WATER-BOUND CAR 97 

We met thousands of mule-carts rocking about on 
that awful road, which was even so bad that they 
did not even pretend to shy at the car. Nobody can 
possibly imagine how bad it was, though it might 
have even been one degree more horrible if a smart 
shower had not laid the dust as we entered upon it. 
Badalona seems entirely given up to manufacture, 
and, if it had not been for the picturesque hills on 
our right, we could easily have imagined we were in 
the Black Country near Walsall. Even the trams 
had funked the road, and built a little track for 
themselves on either side of it. After a very few 
yards of crawling and bumping, the Artist and I got 
out and walked with the object of saving the springs 
and our bones. And to complete our discomfiture 
the car, while occupying the up tram-line, suddenly 
stopped. In haste we tried to find out the cause, 
and after looking at everything else, found the tank 
empty of petrol. By this time there were two tram- 
cars behind us, and all our united efforts failed to 
clear the road for them. But judge of our surprise 
when the drivers smilingly put in their reverse, and 
backing some half-mile to the cross track came past 
us again on the other line. Courtesy such as this 
came like a ray of joy to poor suffering us, and our 
opinions of Spanish tram-drivers went up accord- 
ingly. Fancy expecting such an act from a tram- 
driver at home — he would probably lose his job if he 
did such a thing. We had most of a bidon of petrol 

H 



9 8 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

left, and when we discovered what was wrong, we 
were not long in putting it in the tank. But even 
then the engine was sulky, and took about five 
minutes to start. As the road had not improved in 
the least, we two still walked while the others jolted 
and bumped their weary way along. After about 
another mile there was a slight improvement, and we 
all got in again. But it was not till we turned at 
rieht angles into Barcelona that it became at all 
ordinary, and then delightful wood pavement and 
wide streets were our lot all the way to the big 
garage, where we left the car to get a much- 
needed wash. Words have failed me to describe 
those awful roads, and if I had I should not be 
believed, so I have left it to the Artist to represent it. 
What the car thought of them I know not, but, marvel- 
lous to relate, nothing was broken. In conclusion I 
can only warn Spain that unless I hear that this 
road, and some others we traversed, have been 
rendered a little more like ordinary carriage-ways, 
I for one refuse ever again to enter Barcelona ex- 
cept by rail. And Barcelona thinks it is a civilised 
city ! 

The combined effects of two rivers, two carnival 
balls and that road were too much for Jarge, and he 
went to bed with a dose of fever as soon as we got 
to the hotel. This gave the Artist a long-hoped- 
for opportunity of opening his medicine chest, but 
Jarge had got in front of him with his own store of 







WORDS HAVE FAILED I 



THE WATER-BOUND CAR 99 

quinine, and this no doubt was the reason he was 
himself again next day. But we all dreamt of that 
awful road, and its only fit use would be to sentence 
all scorchers to be allowed to use no other. And it 
is called the Camino Real, or Royal Road ! God 
save the King! 



V 




t f, ■••*■< r,"/,fr u | 



CHAPTER IV 
AT BARCELONA 

BARCELONA is such a 
pleasant town that I do 
not want people to imagine that 
the only road to it is the one 
we came in by. There are 
plenty of others, but when the 
snow lies deep the pass via 
Perthus is the only one avail- 
able. Bourg-Madam is a much 
finer and more picturesque en- 
trance, but we were told at 
Perpignan that there even the 
telegraph poles were under 
the snow. I don't know how 
much of it was true, but that is 
the reason we came as we did. 
And Mr. Benjamin H. Ridgeley, the United States 

IOO 




AT BARCELONA 101 

Consul-General — who was not only to us another 
Good Samaritan, but also an angel in disguise and a 
great motorist — knows of another. He simply puts 
the car on the train to France. What the road is 
like from Barcelona to Madrid I can only say in 
the words of Miss Connie Ediss : "I'm sure I don't 
know, but I guess.'' They make a car in Barce- 
lona called the " Hispano-Suisse," also " Klein " tyres 
are manufactured here ; so it is an up-to-date place, 
though I do not think many cars trouble to go far 
outside the city boundaries. 

Barcelona is, as I said, a charming town. It re- 
minded me of a mixture of Marseilles and Palermo, 
though the inhabitants claim it to be far finer than 
the former town. It is continually being insulted by 
being termed the " Manchester of Spain." I know 
what is intended, but the people who think they are 
flattering it don't know Manchester as I do. Barce- 
lona has the finest street in the world. Manchester 
has not. I do not know all the world — few people 
do — but unless the street is a South African one, 
built so as to be able to turn a span of oxen in, 
or a racing car without a differential, the Rambla is 
wider. Picture a road two miles long, containing 
three streets, each as broad as Pall Mall, and two 
avenues of plane-trees, along each of which twenty 
men can walk abreast, and do. Line each avenue 
with flower stalls, bird stalls, and all sorts of other 
kinds of stalls, and throw in a moving throng of well- 



102 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

dressed, lounging people. Fine shops, huge cafes, 
horse and motor omnibuses, automobiles, cabs, riders, 
and innumerable funeral processions ; and almost 
always a blue sky. Big fiats, hotels, theatres, music- 
halls, and costly-looking private houses are on either 
side, and now and then it opens into a big square full 
of palm-trees. 

Two of the most picturesque things in Barcelona 
were to be found together in the Rambla. All along 
the middle avenues of the enormous street — under 
the plane-trees — was the flower market, and the word 
flower seemed to include everything else that any one 
had to sell. There were birds of all sorts and sizes, 
though the recognised bird market is elsewhere and 
reserved for the edible sort, and next door to the 
birdsellers' stall was a place where you could buy 
a cage to put your purchase in. Of course, there 
were innumerable kiosks for the sale of cheap litera- 
ture and French comic papers, and sandwiched be- 
tween these were fruit and vegetable depots, lemonade 
sellers, haberdashery stores, basket-work barrows, 
and, with always a crowd surrounding, places where 
the same sort of idiotic penny puzzles, toys, and 
collar studs that live on the kerb at Ludgate Hill, 
were doing a roaring trade. The Artist got quite 
homesick when he saw them. Up and down, between 
and on each side of these dealers, paraded the crowd, 
chattering and laughing, while over their heads in 
the plane-trees were busy municipal officials trim- 



AT BARCELONA 103 

ming off the top boughs. Every now and then one of 
them would sag half-cut through, and come crashing 
clown; but nobody seemed to mind in the least, until 
once a sturdy piece of timber fell just in front of a 
tram-car, and getting mixed up with the machinery, 
effectually blocked the road. Then the driver and 
conductor got very annoyed, and even went so far as 
to try and shake the ladder up which the pruner was 
balancing himself. But a gendarme interfered, and 
persuaded them to try and clear the raffle and resume 
their journey. This mention of trams and trees 
brings me to the second picturesque feature of the 
Rambla. In the British Islands, where there are 
electric cars, the poles that keep the wires up are 
designed with a view to utility, and, as a rule, they 
are the reverse of elegant. But here the City Fathers 
are of a different opinion, and the metal standards 
are joys for ever. Jehu and Jarge both photographed 
at them — though the results do not seem to have 
been satisfactory — and the Artist nearly got under 
a motor bus trying to sketch their elegance. With- 
out exaggeration I put it on record that they abso- 
lutely improved the street, which is more than can 
be said of any others I know of elsewhere. And 
nowhere were these things found in the middle of 
the road ; for which, as a motorist, I am deeply 
grateful. 

Some of the houses in this great Rambla are 
weird in the extreme. A pale-blue-fading-into- 



104 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

smoked -violet -tiled house, with wiggly profiles to 
every side and projection, built after the kidney-and- 
squirm style of architecture that was responsible a 
few years ago for Saxon clocks and coal-scuttles, 
took the Artist's fancy, and he was a marked man 
by the police as he almost lay down in the middle of 
the road to sketch it. This house had several 
imitators in other colours but, quaint as these were, 
they did not approach the bizarre rocococity of the 
original. And this had the audacity to be a private 
dwelling ! 

Barcelona seems a great place for funerals, or else 
it is correct for all corpses to be taken down the 
Rambla for their last ride. The drivers of the hearses 
all seemed — like every one else — to wear yachting 
caps, and in company with the men in charge of the 
mourning coaches and ordinary cabs, which made up 
the procession, smoked cigarettes all the time. 

I believe there are as many, or more, old buildings 
and other antiquities to be seen in Barcelona as any- 
where else in Spain, but the extraordinary modern 
appearance of the town effectually hides them away. 
I was always under the impression that it was origi- 
nally a Phoenician settlement — which is a fairly safe 
remark to hazard in these parts — and I was always 
told that it was called after Hamilcar Barca. But it 
seems I am incorrect in both surmises, and so shall 
not give any historical details about the town, and 



AT BARCELONA 105 

confine myself to remarking that there is one cafe 
where fifteen hundred people can sit down at once. 

A huge statue of Christopher Columbus standing 
on a pillar, which is dwarfed only by the effigy, is 
at the end where the blue of the sea comes up to 
the Rambla, and the other gives a glimpse of the 
high mountains that keep the cold winds away from 
the pleasure-loving city. And rising away from 
the harbour is the Montjuich, a hill sloping up from 
the harbour to the big fortress on the top, that keeps 
a careful eye on a town that wants a good deal 
of watching. I am told the English captured this 
in 1705, and though it must have taken some doing, 
I doubt if the attackers were in much more danger 
than Jarge and I ran into when we visited it. It 
was thiswise. We thought to survey Barcelona from 
a height, and so hearing of a cafe at Mirama, which 
place is near the top, we began our stroll. No 
sooner had we surmounted an enormous flight of 
steps than nothing less than a battle broke out just 
above us. It sounded like independent volley-firing, 
always beginning with two shots in quick succession, 
and followed by the whole hill ringing with firing 
for a couple of minutes. Being an officer in the 
reserve forces as at present constituted, I was press- 
ing forward to the firing line, when the descent of 
a much-damaged pigeon close at hand gave away 
the mystery. It appears that there is a pigeon- 
shooting club up here (the high-class Spaniards 



106 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

worship blood-sports), and most evenings there are 
meetings. Now the ordinary Spaniard is just as 
keen as his richer compatriots on killing things, and 
if he can eat them afterwards so much the better. 
So no sooner does the gilded sportsman loose off 
and miss, than from every wall, road, roof, garden, 
and allotment is heard the frequent gun, and the 
pigeon that gets away unhurt may be considered 
lucky. Of course, each gunner has a dog with him 
— no particular sort — and every time a gun goes 
off all the dogs bark and all the owners shout. So 
one can easily imagine the noise. The gunners did 
not seem particular in which direction they shot as 
long as the bird was in sight, or how they flourished 
their weapons (odd things, some of these) when there 
were no birds about. I think the safest way to enjoy 
the sport would be to get into a shot-proof barrel 
and only fire upwards. 

Talking of shooting, why is it only in England 
that shot-guns have no straps, and are not worn 
round the neck ? Personally I think a strap would 
be a fearful nuisance at a hot corner or anywhere 
else, and I think we may put it down that the reason 
is that opportunities for shots abroad (except here) 
are fewer and farther between than in England. I 
remember, amid the much - irrigated vine country 
between Narbonne and Perpignan, we met a lovely 
sportsman. He grinned all over his face, his gun 
was slung over his shoulder, and in his right hand 



AT BARCELONA 107 

he displayed, nicely tied up in string, a dead fox. 
Also at Gerona there was a little boy at the bed 
masque got up as President Roosevelt on the " out- 
trail" ; his costume was perfect, and in his game-bag 
were a dozen freshly slaughtered blue-tils. He was 
very proud, 

Darkness alone put an end to the pigeon-shoot, 
and we left our cave of safety and passed to the 
Miramar cafe, where we took our vermouth. The 
vermouth habit grows on one in Spain ; as a matter 
of fact it is about the only safe liquor at a moderate 
price, and with soda-water — one should never drink 
water in Spain — it is very good. We sat down by 
the edge of a cliff above a road singing with tram- 
cars, that in its turn hung over the sea. It was an 
absolutely quiet evening. Below us tramp steamers 
of all nations were sliding gently in and out of the 
harbour, far out big Marseilles liners were blurring 
the horizon with " trailed smoke along the sky," and 
from the city beneath came up clear all the odd 
notes that can never find their proper places in the 
one deep chord of a city's hum. And behind us the 
sun was setting over the snowy sierras that surround 
quaint-looking Montserrat. And this is one reason 
why I say that Barcelona is incorrectly described as 
the Manchester of Spain. I suppose the Montjuich 
in Manchester is Irlam-o'-th'-heights ? 

And the other reason is " Bombs." When we 
arrived in Barcelona a fortnight had elapsed since 



10S THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the last explosion, and that is perhaps why the 
octroi people had a good look at us, for a fortnight 
without an outrage is well outside the average. 
Folk were getting anxious, and we were par- 
ticularly warned not to kick any old hats or oranges 
that might be lying on the pavements or elsewhere, 
as this was the usual mode of arranging these ex- 
plosions. There were police everywhere, even mounted 
ones with drawn swords, always in readiness. This 
must be very annoying, worse than suffragettes, and 
also it must be very difficult to arrest on suspicion, 
for every one, except in the height of summer, wears 
a cloak which he flings around his face in the most 
approved transpontine style. Most folks, too, wear 
soft, wide-brimmed hats, and slouch along the darkly- 
lighted side streets, so it may truly be said in 
Barcelona that a policeman's life is not a happy one. 
Talking of police, a few words on Spanish ones. 
The Guardia Civile is a splendid -looking fellow, 
exquisitely clothed and mounted. His is a hereditary 
and almost aristocratic calling, and his dignity and 
bearing defy all imitation. All the time we were 
in Spain on one occasion only did I see one become 
at all human. He was watching our preparations 
for departure after lunch somewhere, and Jehu was 
running the engine softly — I forget what for — but 
a sticking Trembler allowed about half a dozen 
cylinderfuls of mixture to pass unchallenged and 
then exploded them in the silencer. It is a thing 




THE GUAR11IA CIVILE " HIS DIGXm AM. BEARING I > i: ! V All IMITATION*' 



AT BARCELONA 109 

one gets used to in adjusting a coil and such like, 
but this Guardia Civile did not understand motors. 
Anyhow, when he saw we took no notice of the 
fearful bang, he smiled, but kept further back. In 
parenthesis, I would remark that this trick is quite 
easy of accomplishment, and will be often found 
very useful. 

The second kind of police — the municipal or local 
type — is not nearly so high class, and always re- 
minded me of supers in any costume-opera. Their 
hats may be awe-inspiring, but they usually wear 
straw slippers. All police carry rifles, and the Artist 
and I once found the guardian of a small fish-market 
walking up and down the central aisle armed to the 
teeth with a large revolver. 

The third kind of policeman is the Sereno, or 
night-watchman, and he is absolutely unique. It is 
his task to call out the hours of the night. I have 
no objection to this, but when it comes to his taking 
ten minutes each time in different parts of the same 
street in wailing ont the quarter — " Ser-e-no-cn-ar-to- 
y-me-di-a " — it gets a bit wearisome. I do not say he 
does this in Barcelona — he would get bombs thrown 
at him if he did — but in the old Spanish provincial 
towns he is in his full glory. But he has a far more 
useful job than this vocal one. Each Scretio carries 
a lantern and a wide belt in which are stuck all the 
keys of the houses on his beat. So no one carries a 
latch-key, all you have to do is to go up to the 



no THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

Sercno and ask him to let you into your own house, 
and the thing's done. Simple, and yet, I am told, an 
absolute preventative of burglary. The Sereno knows 
who is in and what houses are empty. I commend 
the idea to England. If nothing else, it would save 
a lot of hard swearing. 

We stayed at the Grand Hotel, which was very 
pleasant, and once more we saw the English papers ; 
and in the evening Mr. Ridgeley took us to see 
Spanish dancing. If I say we were disappointed on 
the whole, I shall be told that we ought to have gone 
to Andalusia for the real thing — " where all the men 
are brave, and all the women beautiful" — but my reply 
is that the wealth of Barcelona is supposed to attract 
all the talent of Spain, and we were informed that 
nowhere else should we find so good. We certainly 
did not at Madrid. Though the Spanish dancing 
was a little disappointing, it was infinitely better in 
quality and taste than the turns which formed nine- 
tenths of the programme. These were, without 
exception, the poorest stuff I have ever struck, and 
most of them would be booed off an English pro- 
vincial music-hall stage. Frenchwomen, excessively 
undepressed, all enormous, and either very fat or 
very scraggy, came on, sang the same kind of song 
in French, and went off again without arousing, 
except in two cases, any applause ; and one of these 
cases only because the performer was very fat and 
very vulgar, and the other because she was very 




' l III GENUIM 



AT BARCELONA in 

pretty and still more vulgar. The run of singers 
became quite monotonous, all of one kind ; and not 
a single man, except a male dancer or two to help 
out his female companions, ever came on the stage. 
I believe these performances begin about nine and 
end about two in the morning, but I never yet have 
met any one who has been brave enough to be either 
at the start or finish of one of them. To see Spanish 
dancing at its best one need not leave London, for 
the finest and most exquisite exponents, if they are 
not quite without honour in their own country, at 
any rate do not get half enough salary there to allow 
themselves to perform. 

But at a cheaper music-hall we came across the 
real thing, though it was sandwiched among an, if 
possible, inferior copy of the turns at the more ex- 
pensive halls. We found it under the name of a 
" concorso." A "concorso" consists of a troupe of 
dancers representing different styles of the different 
parts of Spain, and I cannot understand why some 
enterprising music-hall proprietor has not brought 
one of these bands to London. The curtain went 
up and disclosed about a dozen young women and 
one man. They were all dressed differently, stood 
in a line, and made a heartbreaking noise with their 
castanets. Then one of the end ones came forward 
and began to dance in her particular style. When 
she had finished the next girl stepped in and gave 
her idea of how to do it. And so till nearly all 



ii2 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the performers had shown the audience every variety 
of movement, grave or gay, whirling or twirling, fast 
or slow, seductive or otherwise, that could be im- 







A little blue-chinned monkey 



agined. Then it was the male dancer's turn and a 
demure, crimson- clothed danseuse came out to help 
him. The band put in the top speed and let go for 



AT BARCELONA 113 

all they were worth. The man, a little blue-chinned 
monkey, who had been indolently clicking his 
castanets during the first part of the show, and 
grinning at his pals in front of the house, suddenly 
seemed like one possessed. Me sprang up into the 
air, twiddled round about fourteen revolutions a 
second, bounced and dapped all over the place like 
an india-rubber idiot on the spree. Then the 
demure-looking damsel in red caught the infection 
and apparently went mad also. Round and round, in 
and out, under and over, they twisted and turned, 
till through the haze of bad tobacco smoke, it was 
impossible to make out any details of the revolving, 
jumping mass of colour zigzagging all over the little 
stage. Suddenly, with a big Bang — the music 
stopped, and the two stood as petrified in the middle 
of the stage. Then began frantic cheering and a 
rain of cigars, which continued until a demand that 
would take no refusal necessitated an encore. And 
after that, time after time, the little blue man came 
forward bowing and dripping, while the equally over- 
heated lady stood still, feeling vainly for any hair- 
pins that might possibly have withstood the late 
hurricane. After this the rest of the show, which 
was unfortunately not Spanish, seemed very dull, 
and we left. 

* And, of course, we had to see a bull-fight. I know 
it is usual to apologise for this, and to put down the 
necessity to some rotten and unavoidable reason 
1 



n 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

My excuse, then, is the old one about doing as the 
Romans do. We went with impartial minds, for 
there is no doubt that a spectacle that all through 
the centuries has survived the attacks of many 
Governments and the thunders of the Church, must 
have something in it to attract. First of all, notice 
I do not call it a " sport." Nor is it an " outdoor " 
amusement, for though there is no roof overhead, 
there are innumerable gateways to be got through 
before the seats are reached. 

The particular kind of bull-fight (the " fight " part 
of the word is a poor translation, " baiting " would be 
a better one) we saw had one merit, in that it was 
what is called a " winter " one ; the performers were 
young and apparently new to the game, the bulls 
were only two-year-olds and, best of all, there were 
no horses engaged. For this last relief much thanks, 
for it is a truism that the most sickening part of the 
spectacle is the disembowelling of the wretched, 
frightened steeds that are present for no other 
reason than the accomplishment of their unpleasant 
deaths. First of all there is the procession of the 
bull-fighters, which is a very stately affair, the side 
assumed being never equalled by county cricketers, 
and seldom surpassed by public-school ones. Then 
the recession, leaving the ring with only a few of 
these gaily dressed gentlemen in possession. Then 
the speedy entrance of a bull, evidently hastened by 
some unpleasant operation. He stops, then gallops 



r 




/#« 






Lt&*V£0 • *"»/#, 



UIIAI WE MISSED 



AT BARCELONA 115 

wildly after various of his highly-coloured enemies. 
Then, as a rule— and we saw six bulls disposed of — 
he trots back to the door of his late lair and moos 
(not bellows) that he wants to go home, and looks 
round for some one to show him the way. All he 
gets from the safe spectators are hoots, pricks, and 
kicks ; and so he goes after the bull-fighters again. 
There are so many of these that it is easy for them 
to transfer his attentions from one to the other, and 
this goes on for about five minutes. It looks pretty, 
but I should think there is more real risk in shoeing 
young horses or taking beehives. Then, as there 
are no horses for him to rip open, his torturers deem 
that this running about has taken off his original 
freshness, and they begin to worry him with ba7ide- 
rillas. There is a special class of men in Spain who 
are held in high esteem, and whose mission in life is 
to stick painful darts in infuriated bulls without being 
hurt. The baiiderillas we saw were mostly new to the 
game, and in their anxiety to fight again another 
day, as a rule, failed in their immediate object. One 
of them in particular, " willing to wound, but yet 
afraid to strike," was such a long time doing abso- 
lutely nothing to a bull that was an adept at stealing 
short runs, that the populace hooted him out of the 
ring altogether, and pelted him with orange peel and 
anything else they could find. I expect he has 
another job now, but his face, through my glasses, 
was a pitiable sight, with fear and terror looking out 






n6 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

of both eyes, and legs that seemingly refused to 
move in a forward direction. I cannot imagine what 
he was doing in that gallery at all ; he would have 
been much happier sitting, as I was, well out of 
harm's way, or even doing Press-work. 

By the way, there was an extraordinary likeness 
between this crowd and the spectators at a football 
or cricket match. A man from Mars would certainly 
go away under the impression that all the audience 
were past -grand -masters in bull -fighting, and the 
only men that did not know their job were those in 
the ring ; and I was always expecting to see a boy 
coming out with a telegram to tell the head espada to 
put on Brearley at the gas-works end, because they 
were just going to stoke up the fires and spoil the 
light. 

During this part of the entertainment two unre- 
hearsed incidents caused a great commotion. After 
several of the professionals had tried their hands 
without success in sticking in two banderillas at 
once as the bull charged past, a youth, armed with 
a pair of his own, vaulted the barrier and rushed into 
the middle of the ring. The bull saw him and went 
for him. He stood immovable at his full height, 
realising the prescribed attitude till the animal was 
but a foot off. Then he took one step to the right, 
raised his wrists level with his face, and like nothing 
so much as Ranjitsinhji gliding a straight high- 
pitched ball to long leg, struck both his darts in the 




^ifcO' "* " 



H"U CAN 1 STICK YOU WHEN Y"l WILL NOT CHARGE? 



AT BARCELONA 117 

beast's shoulder as it thundered past. The gallery 
rose at him and gave him the wildest cheers of the 
day. The professionals were furious and yelled to 
the police, who made a feeble attempt to arrest 
him for his trespass as he bowed his way back to his 
seat amid a shower of oranges and cigars, the usual 
tributes of esteem. If the police had really wanted 
to, they would not have been allowed, for the popular 
hero was at once surrounded on all sides by his 
admirers, and ran a very good chance of being spoiled 
for life by their congratulations and kisses. 

No sooner was this incident over than another with 
a less glorious ending began. A boy, apparently 
about fifteen, was seized with a desire to emulate the 
last amateur, so with his coat off, holding a dirty 
little more or less white handkerchief in his hand, he 
jumped into the arena and dared the bull to come on. 
When a young bull has been badgered and bullied by 
a lot of highly-coloured strangers for a quarter of an 
hour he loses all sense of discrimination, and this 
youth seemed as good as any other. So he charged, 
and before he got to his man the boy had tumbled 
down. There was a dead silence all round, and I 
thought it was all up with the young idiot. But here 
the best point of the training of the professional 
bull-fighters came in, for waving their cloaks in front 
of the bull, they diverted the charge, and when we 
looked to have seen the youth tossed and torn by the 
lowered horns that were so near, we saw instead the 



n8 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

bull after some one else and the boy kicked and 
hoofed over the barrier by the ckuios, and haled off 
to the deepest dungeons by the police amid the 
laughter of the crowd. I wonder if even now he 
realises how lucky he is to be alive? 

Although I have not used the word " sport " as yet, 
there was one feature that calls for it in the best 
meaning it has. One of the principal bull-fighters 
takes a leaping-pole and invites the attention of the 
animal. As usual, it charges, and at the same time 
the performer charges also and leaps. If he does 
this at the exact moment, when the pole is quite per- 
pendicular with the jumper at his highest the bull 
knocks it away, and the man pitches on his feet in 
the neighbourhood of the beast's tail to its enor- 
mous mystification. To the head espadas credit, 
he never failed to bring off this bit of gallery play, 
and the consequent plaudits were enormous. The 
other smart bits were not so successful. 

I am by no means a sentimentalist and, though it 
is not a job I care for, when occasion demanded have 
done my own butchering ; likewise, with the excep- 
tion of their outcry against hunting the carted deer, 
I have a profound contempt for people who advertise 
themselves as Humanitarians and talk consequent 
rubbish. But I do say that the proceedings at a 
bull-fight, after the preliminary teasing and acrobatic 
performance are over, are disgusting. And not only 
disgusting, but cowardly. And not only disgusting 




I ' . I 




. TVVC n , ~- / 



\CCORDINl KEN 



AT BARCELONA 119 

and cowardly, but dull. Trumpets sound, a great 
little man walks into the centre of the arena, and 
turns to the presidential box, which was occupied on 
this Sunday by a group of fat men who looked like 
licensed victuallers. He bows and asks permission 
to kill this " fearful monster," which is probably en- 
gaged in wondering what particular part of hell he 
has arrived at. Permission being granted, the espada, 
with his red cloak, little pigtail and sword, assumes a 
traditional attitude, sights his weapon at the animal 
as if it were a new sort of gun, and invites applause. 
Now, according to Cocker, the bull should charge, 
and he, stepping back, should sheathe the bright 
Toledo blade in its heart. The pierced animal should 
then sink on its knees, utter one prolonged bellow, 
and fall dead at the feet of the brave toreador. 

This is what we had read of and I expected to 
see ; but for the reality I will give extracts from my 
note-book. 

No. 1 BULL. — While asking permission, matador 
(rather like poor Dan Leno) has to be taken care of, 
but he proves himself nimble in escape. Puzzled 
bull trots up to barrier to be patted : he gets hit 
instead. He sights the cspaJa and charges : they both 
miss each other, and the bull gets the sword in the 
stomach. He bellows with pain, and, coughing up 
blood, pursues the Hero. (How they would hiss him 
at home for such a rotten shot!) An understrapper 
kindly extracts sword from bull's inside and hands it 



120 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

back to the owner, who has to straighten it over his 
knee. Two more failures to stick the bull. Crowd 
gets sarcastic at what we should call the " tailoring," 
which reminds me of a drunken man trying to put 
his umbrella in a hat-rack that will not stand still. 
My notes here seem to the effect that I would pay 
^20 to see the bull get the man. The poor beast is 
becoming tired, and losing quarts of blood. So, 
though not owing to any further attacks, he lies down 
alongside of the barrier. A spectator, evidently in 
the butchering line, indicates a vital spot. The 
haughty toreador — " Pet of all the fair " — avails 
himself of the opportunity, sticks him, and reports 
progress, while the horrid job is finished by a 
puntillero, who jabs the poor beast in the neck with a 
dagger. Then come in jangling mules, attended by 
cheerful idiots, who drag out the corpse at one end 
of the arena, while another doomed animal canters in 
at the other. My notes on that bull conclude that if 
I found a butcher killing my pigs like that I should 
never employ him again. 

No. 2 BULL. — This is the one that was the cause 
of the aforementioned funky banderillero. When the 
slaughterer got leave to do his worst, I note two 
bad shots to begin with, one in his stomach and one 
along his back. The sword in both cases has to be 
extracted and handed back to the incorrect sticker. 
This bull is rather timid, and continually appeals for 
sympathy to the crowd as he edges all round the 



AT BARCELONA 121 

barrier trying to get rid of the various implements of 
torture in his hide. He is not quite such an uncon- 
scionable time in dying as some of the others. 

No. 3 Bull. — The pole-jumper began on this one, 
and I note that the bull nearly got a banderillerOy 
who had to run as he never had before. This beast 
was very plucky, but ever wanting to go back to his 
stable. He raised one cheer on his own though, 
when he pursued the crack espada round the ring and 
only missed getting his horns into him by inches. 
The espada, with sword and cloak flying, made a very 
undignified picture as he disappeared, head down- 
wards, over the garden wall into a crowd of scavengers 
and other small fry. Then three bad shots, and the 
end was bathos to all but the poor bull, for two 
cows, with bells round their necks, had to be brought 
in to attract his attention ; and then as he gazed the 
brave toreador got behind him and tried to assassi- 
nate him. But, even so, he missed, and the end only 
came by some one holding down his horns as he lay 
exhausted and allowing the hero to stab him on the 
ground. Vive la chasse ! 

No. 4 BULL. — My notes begin with a wish that 
each bull should go to the happy grazing grounds 
above with a matador ox so to accompany him. The 
stupidity of the poor beast who goes for a cloak- 
before its owner arouses a feeling of pity, and he 
compares as a sheer lunatic with the old grouse or 
cock pheasant that swings back over the beaters with 



122 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

a long chuckle to the guns who are waiting for him 
in the opposite direction. This was the bull that 
gave the amateurs their chances, but in the butchering 
scene he seems to have been mis-struck as often as 
any of the others. He was a " plucked 'un," but he 
had no luck. Twice he ought to have got his man, 
and ten times he was pinked in the wrong place. He 
met his death on one knee, and I see my notes have 
the reflection that the percentage of railway shunters 
killed in their employment is greater than that of 
bull-fighters. I also note that here the cloak play of 
one espada was very fine, and that the best-looking 
toreador was the biggest funk and left early. I 
believe that accidents mostly happen when a per- 
former has been so unsuccessful that, in sheer 
defiance, he gets rash. And my remarks conclude 
that the ancestors of the audience were the people 
who kept the Inquisition going for so long. 

The fifth bull presented no new feature of interest, 
except that his death came a little swifter than to the 
others, and we left the sixth bull lying down on the 
ground bleeding hard and surrounded by most of the 
audience, who were endeavouring to finish him off 
with their sword-sticks. Have I mentioned that 
nearly all Spaniards carry these weapons? 

We escaped before the end, more saddened than 
anything else that human creatures could evidently 
find sport in such obviously unfair contests. I think 
that without abolishing bull-fighting, I could (as long 







y-\ 





• THE PET OF ALL 'I HE PAIR 




'WILLING TO WOI ••!' AND VI l AFRAID '!<> STRIKE 



AT BARCELONA 123 

as I was not asked to perform) make a much more equal 
and enjoyable combat out of the same materials. 
These are my few and simple suggestions : — 

1. One man, one bull. 

2. An unsurmountable barrier (or none at all). 

3. A smaller ring. 

I submit these alterations would (1) increase the 
excitement ; (2) give the bull a better chance ; and 
(3) prevent overcrowding in a well-paid profession. 

But even with my small knowledge of town-bred 
Spaniards, I make bold to say that these amend- 
ments would be opposed chiefly on the ground of 
altering a fairly safe pastime to one involving a cer- 
tain amount of risk. 

I do not wish my readers to think that there is no 
element of skill apparent. On the contrary, it must 
require a deal of cleverness and surefootedness to 
avoid the charges of the bulls. At the same time, 
the word " pluck " is the wrong one, the quality 
of " slimness," in the Boer sense, being the one most 
in demand, the display of which meets with the 
largest amount of bravoes, oranges, coppers, cigars, 
and immortal fame on picture post-cards and cigar- 
boxes. Personally, I have no desire to behold 
another of these spectacles. I would far rather see 
a good fight between two men who both wanted to 
win and neither of whom would know when he was 
beaten. 

If we had had more time to spare here we should 



i2 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

certainly have visited " The Montserrat." • In fact, 
I moved that we should visit it in preference to 
going to the bull-fight, but got badly out-voted. But 
as this work is for the purpose of doing good to my 
fellow-men, I may say I have been much blamed for 
omitting it since my return home. So a few notes on 
what we did not see will come as a pleasant change. 
To begin with, it is not the seat of the lime-juice 
trade, which is only called after the mountain because 
the bottles are the same shape. Mr. Charles Dudley 
Warner has written of it that "another mountain so 
airy, grotesque, and flame-like does not exist," and 
Mr. Baedeker says in his monumental work that " its 
kernel consists of reddish clay slate, and superimposed 
on this is a firm, calcareous conglomerate or pudding- 
stone, water worn into fissures." There is a road, a 
rack-and-pinion railway, and a monastery on the top. 
It is also cleft into " profound crevices." When I 
read this to my companions they appeared slightly 
ashamed of themselves, and when I informed them 
that Mr. Edmondo de Amicis (quite a Ciceronian 
hang about this name) likens its jagged sky-line to 
(i) a chain of slender triangles; (2) a royal crown 
drawn out till its points resemble the teeth of a saw, 
or (3) so many sugar loaves ranged in a row, they had 
not a word to say for themselves. Mr. Baedeker also 
says that the Germans in the Middle Ages located 
Montserrat as the Castle of the Holy Grail. It will 
now be understood what we missed. 



AT BARCELONA 125 

The Artist and I were always on the look out to 
improve our minds, and at one village we stopped in 
we paid a visit as Inspectors of Education. Jarge 

and Jehu had gone off to photograph something that 
took their fancy, and we two were left in charge of 
the car. Of course we were surrounded by the usual 
mob of children, most of whom were carrying what 
seemed to be "Times Book Club" boxes. We 
caught one particularly enterprising youth who, 
having got tired of looking down the mouth of the 
horn, was exploring the inside of the tonneau. 

We opened his box for him, to the undisguised joy 
of all his companions, and took out his books. They 
seemed to be — as far as we could tell — for about the 
same state of scholarship that the Artist had at- 
tained, and were nicely printed with the same blocks 
of rabbits and cows and such like that I myself was 
grounded upon. We asked the boy to read some to 
us, and he was delighted to oblige. What it was all 
about I failed to gather, but the Artist said he 
thought it was about a cat and a rat and some milk. 
Of course all the other children produced their books 
and submitted them for our inspection, and shrieked 
with laughter at my rendering of them. A superior 
person, who was not for all that above forming one 
of the crowd, told us that all the children went to 
school and could read and write and do arithmetic. 
So when we talk of the Spanish as uneducated, we 
greatly err, and child for child I expect they know as 



126 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

much as the boys and girls we make such a fuss 
about at home. 

Talking of education, a short time after I had 
come back I happened to be yarning to a "bargee" at 
Banbury, who seemed rather down on his luck be- 
cause his horse was sick, and he had to tie up there 
for a fortnight without any pay. I asked him if his 
boy (aged fourteen) had been going to school during 
his enforced residence. He told me he did once, but 
instead of being taught to read and write, he had 
been put in the infants' class and given " a dab of 
clay to muck about with." I told him that this was 
evidently the latest idea of acquiring learning, but his 
retort was absolutely unprintable — and he was evi- 
dently under the impression he could have done that 
on the tow-path to the same effect and with less 
trouble. It is melancholy to me to reflect that these 
illiterate folk will not see that of course the best 
manner to begin educating a youth of fourteen is to 
put him with children from three to five, and allow 
him to enlarge his understanding by modelling wet 
earth as his maiden fancy dictates. Especially when 
— as in this case — he is in the habit of working every 
day of his life for about twelve hours or so. 



CHAPTER V 
ALONG THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 

TIIK Hon. Benjamin H. Ridgeley, Consul- 
General for the United States in Spain, is an 
automobilist of the first water; and this is one of his 
reasons for constituting himself our guide, guardian, 
and friend, and also the cause of our enjoying 
Barcelona as we did. His manifold kindnesses did 
not end even within the limits of the town, for he 
took the trouble to pilot us on to the road to Tortosa 
by a way which avoided the bad main road. That 
road must have been absolutely the worst in the 
whole of Spain, to judge by the condition of its 
superior alternative. If you picture a road that some 
day is going to be a road to a row of staked-out 
plots, which some day are going to be a street of 
houses, you can get an idea of it. But only an idea. 
Nothing can come up to the reality. We left the 
naked newness of it at last, and found the usual 
track, which we had got into the way of expecting. 
The country on each side appeared very highly 
cultivated indeed, for all the streams that come off 
the mountains were promptly trapped into reservoirs 

127 



128 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

as soon as they got into the valleys, and used to 
irrigate the land. When we had done with the plain 
we ran along the edge of a high range of hills that 
end only at the sea. And here the character of the 
country changed, and, for a wonder, that of the road 
also. We began winding up on a splendidly designed, 
though not acted-up-to, highway cut out of the rock. 
They tell me it is called the Corniche of Spain, and 
indeed it is very like the big military road that runs 
along the Cote d'Azur from Marseilles to Venti- 
miglia. As usual, when we got by the sea the rail- 
way kept us company, and as an engineering feat 
that railway will take a lot of beating. The trains 
are painfully slow, though they do say it is the best- 
conducted line in Spain. Talking of railways, 
Mr. Ridgeley fired off a yarn concerning them in 
this land of Manana. It appears he was on a short 
journey of a hundred miles or so, and towards even- 
ing the train stopped with a jerk out in the wilder- 
ness. Putting his head out of the window, he 
inquired the reason of the delay, <>md was informed 
it was a cow on the line. Towards morning the 
train again stopped with another jerk, and he asked 
the guard what was up now. The guard again 
replied, " Cow on the line." Said Mr. Ridgeley, 
" There seem to be a lot of cows on this line." " No," 
said the guard ; " same cow." I feel quite sure this 
story is absolutely true, because the only truth we ever 
got as to Spanish roads came from the same source. 




V 



-2\ 

L 



w 

K 
u 

z 
as 
o 
u 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 129 

To return to the road. We enjoyed it to the full, 
and I remember saying, as we once more viewed the 
level cultivated plain ahead, that happiness such as 
this never lasted long. The blue sea below, breaking 
in white-edged lines against the rocks, the still bluer 
sky above, the carpet of palmetto scrub, and the 
wild flowers all around, made a paradise where one 
would be content to linger all day. That is about 
what I said, and immediately an obliging tyre 
went at the valve seating. The Artist and I re- 
marked we were off to look for copy, but Jehu and 
Jarge would have none of it, and we had to assist in 
the horrible, pitiless, broiling sunshine at the inser- 
tion of a new inner tube. Then on over the curving 
road to Sitges, where we lunched. As we were scud- 
ding up one long hill we passed a village of trog- 
lodytes, or cave-dwellers. We rather pitied this 
particular tribe, for their fastness, situated amid a 
grove of cork trees and above a rushing stream that 
emptied itself into the sea close by, was being 
insidiously invaded from below by a quarry belong- 
ing to the railway ; so their primeval remoteness was 
gone on all sides, firstly by the road, then the rail, 
and now their very foundations were being sub- 
tracted from beneath their feet. The disturbance of 
vested interests is always grievous, and this par- 
ticular underground village was by far the most 
picturesque of any we saw. 

Sitges is a charming village and, I believe, is a 

K 



i 3 o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

very fashionable bathing resort during the summer. 
The beach, thundered on by big breakers in the bright 
sunshine, was backed by huge palms and picturesque 
white houses, while supported on piles over the water 
was a sumptuous bathing-shed. There is a statue 
here to the Spanish artist known as " El Greco," 
because he once went to Greece. I wonder if our 
Artist will ever be known as " The Spaniard " because 
he visited the Prado Gallery in Madrid after closing- 
time ? Muscatel wine is also made here, and the 
whole place shows signs of great prosperity. We 
were quite sorry to have to go, but the road all the 
way to Tarragona was very good (for Spain), and full 
of interesting villages and Roman remains. At 
Vendrel the children of the village were charmed to 
see us, and made it difficult work driving through the 
very narrow streets ; but a crack in the exhaust pipe 
providentially developed into a gap, and the big 
Daimler engines without a silencer had rather a 
frightening effect on the natives. We got it mended 
at Tarragona, as the noise both prevented all dog- 
sport and had fearful consequences with mules. 
About six miles out from Tarragona, in an absolutely 
perfect violet after-glow, amid Moorish-looking water- 
wheels and dark cypresses, we passed through the 
Portal de Bara, a Roman triumphal arch that seems 
very lonely in such an out-of-the-way spot. And not 
far away is the reputed tomb of the Scipios, which at 
any rate, by its size and ornamentation, must have 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 131 

commemorated some great man, if not those it 
is called after. And so in the darkness we came to 
the Hotel dc Paris at Tarragona. This is an excel- 
lent house, next door to the barracks, and if you like 
music you can ask for the bedroom our Artist occupied, 
and listen to various members of the band practising 
their special instruments at all hours. After dinner, 
of which hot nuts and port formed the best part, we 
took a walk round the town. It seemed very quiet, 
and the only gaiety consisted in a cinematograph 
exhibition. So we entered. The place was lit by 
electric light as usual, but where this installation 
differed from most was in that it was apparently run 
direct from a gas engine on a hit-and-miss type of 
governor. Cinematographs flicker at the best of 
times, but the light here blinked even more between 
the pictures than during them. I have noted that 
one of the films was an English one, and brought in 
an English policeman, and that it made us feel quite 
homesick. Our bedrooms were again very gorgeous, 
and all opened into a lounge landing, whereon were 
a table and many high carven chairs. There was a 
French party staying at the hotel when we arrived, 
who were going off by a very early train, and 
evidently had decided not to go to bed at all. So 
they played some footling card game on the landing, 
while we four tried to compose ourselves for sleep. 
But their noise got on our nerves. One by one we 
tried putting our boots outside our doors — no use. 



i 3 2 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

Then our clothes to be brushed — no use. So in 
desperation we called on each other in our pyjamas, 
and I walked about in my pelerine with the hood up. 




Pretty girls and fat duennas 



This finished their game ; they fled, and we slept in 
peace. 

Next morning, as every one we had in Spain, was 
perfect. Blown out of bed betimes by the barrack 
bugles, the Artist and I paid an early visit to the 
market. Pretty girls in mantillas were shopping 
with their fat duennas, buying all sorts of horrors for 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 133 

food. There were strings of red-legged partridges, 
little birds, weird-looking fish — no two alike, except 
when they were young octopi — unripe dates (the 
sketcher bought some and had the utmost difficulty 
in disposing of them), live fowls and rabbits, and 
every kind of impossible things. The streets in the 
old town are all built at extraordinary angles, and no 
two are parallel. The exquisite cathedral, both in- 
side and outside, is a jumble of all manner of styles, 
the ancient cyclopean walls are pierced with new 
windows ; half the town sit on the battlements and 
spit across the dirty scattered railway station at the 
perfect sea below, and dogs of all sorts and sizes 
roam everywhere. All one morning innumerable 
horses, ponies, and mules, were being rushed up and 
down for the benefit of certain most villainous-look- 
ing horsy Spaniards that ever were, and, of course, 
all the officers who were propping up the barrack 
gates had to appear interested in horseflesh, so alto- 
gether the scene may be described as fairly animated. 
An ordinary Spanish horse-dealer is about the most 
villainous-looking gipsy-coper that can be imagined. 
The Paseo de Santa Clara, which is the name of the 
promenade on the battlements, is a fascinating place 
whereon to loaf. At the end of it there is a statue 
of an admiral in chain armour. I think this must be 
a very unsafe uniform on board a small ship, but 
Jarge expected he only wore it on shore. The new 
part of Tarragona is below and to the east of the old 



134 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

town, and of all the deadly, uninteresting places we 
saw this was easily first, except only for the bodegas, 
which were full of enormous wine barrels. For this, 
as Jehu remarked, is the port where the vinegar 
comes from. 

Across the railway are the remains of old Moorish 
mud forts, and some live Spanish ones still in work- 
ing order. From the city wall the interior economy 
of these can be inspected at leisure, though the 
pictures would not assist recruiting if this was in 
voluntary England. 

By the way, all the walls, however comparatively 
ancient they may be, are yet built from older ones, 
Roman nowadays, though it is believed that even 
they used materials from still earlier similar sources, 
probably Phoenician. Many of the stones are carved 
with figures and some with inscriptions. Mr. Baedeker 
notes the tombstone of a young charioteer, with the 
epitaph " that he would sooner have died in the 
circus than of fever." I failed to find it myself, but 
here is the bold original of that wonderful verse of 
Swinburne's : — 

Unto each man his fate ; 
Unto each as he saith, 
In whose fingers the weight 
Of the world is as breath ; 
Yet I would that in clamour of battle, mine hands had laid hold 
upon Death. 

This, however, is no place for gossip of this sort, and 
we will return to more or less modern Tarragona. 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 135 

The cloisters, next door to the cathedral, are very 
perfect, and owing to their better surroundings are 
almost more beautiful than those at Mon Reale, by 
Palermo. All the towns in this part of Spain re- 
minded me very much of Sicilian ones, which, after 
all, is not to be surprised at, as the founders of every 
place on the Mediterranean seaboard were, as Mr. 
Kipling would call them, a " Pentecostal" crowd, and 
probably just as much at home in one place as 
another. 

There is an extraordinary likeness between the 
outsides of Spanish and Dutch cathedrals, which 
is not to be wondered at, as very likely the same 
builders and architects were in many cases respon- 
sible for both. But whereas the Spanish cathedrals 
are often hidden by buildings built close around 
them, the Dutch go a step further and make use of 
the kirke walls as part of the house itself. But in- 
side the only point of similarity is that the dark 
carved oaken coro is situated in about the same place 
as the Dutch put their fearful, light-painted deal 
pews, and both effectually manage to spoil anything 
like the chance of a view of the whole at once. But 
here the resemblance ends entirely, for where, in the 
dim religious twilight of the southern fane, kneeling 
forms and reverential worshippers keep the original 
intention of its builders always present, in the Hol- 
land churches the glare of plain-glassed windows is 
reflected off acres of white-washed walls on to some 



136 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

unshaven Dutchman with a cigar in his mouth and 
an I.L.P. hat on the back of his head, teaching dull 
hymn tunes to some bored pupil. And they use 
their splendid towers for such odd purposes. I re- 
member once at Haarlem, about five o'clock, suddenly 
the steeple burst into many coloured flags. I called 
the waiter, and asked him if it meant there was an 
heir to the throne, or what ? He looked up at the 
flags, and then pityingly down on me, and said, " Ach, 
no, it is only that the band will not play this evening 
in the park, because it is likely to rain." Fancy using 
a church-tower for such a purpose as that ! Even in 
England some parsons have been known to object to 
the use of their weathercocks for secular purposes. 
But in Spain they do not use weathercocks. Light- 
ning conductors take their place, and the whole 
country bristles with them. 

There is a peculiarity in the roof waterspouts in 
these parts. They stand out a good four feet from 
the tiles, and when it does rain I imagine the middle 
of the street gets all the benefit. 

In Spanish cafes, as in Turkish baths, the attend- 
ant is summoned by the clapping of hands. He 
carries a purse like a Scotchman's sporran, and 
invariably bites a wooden toothpick. He never 
says "Thank you," but only because it is not the 
fashion. Newspaper boys and beggars walk casually 
about at their trades, and in the bigger cafes some 
one often plays the piano uncommonly well. We 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 137 

usually drank rum in the evenings. Spanish drinks 
are too sweet for grown-ups, and the whisky one 
gets in Spain is a fearful composition. We were 
a little disappointed as to guitars ; about all those 
we saw were in the hands of beggars, who had no 




El Capitan 

idea of ever playing them except as a very last 
resource. 

We should have left Tarragona earlier only we lost 
Our Artist. He turned up smiling after an hour 
or so, and explained he had been taken over the 
barracks by some officers, who were amused at his 
Spanish. He was anxious to know if the privates 



138 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

slept on bare boards, because I had told him that 
Boulanger owed his popularity in the French army 
to his abolition of this custom. He also discovered 
that all surplus rations were given to the poor, which 
seems a very good idea to prevent waste. He nearly 





On guard 



Off duty 



got shot at one gate because he went up and took 
the rifle out of the sentry's hand and examined it. 
(Have I said he is a great volunteer at home?) 
When he had satisfied his curiosity he gave back the 
rifle to the astonished guard, and asked him how 
long before his slippers wore out. Please understand 
he was not joking, but merely desirous of informa- 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 139 

tion. Personally, I think the reason he was not 
shot at sight was that the rifle of the sentry was not 
loaded, and also the barrel was plugged with rag to 
keep the dirt out. 

We stayed two days at Tarragona, and they were 
by far the most restful we spent during all our 
tour. Though there is nothing special that one must 
see, there are plenty of things to interest, pleasant 
places to sit in the sun, and pretty things to look at. 
But, except at Barcelona, one gets the Mariana 
habit if one stays long anywhere in Spain, and as it 
was necessary we should get on, we left the happy 
spot. 

The state of the road south from Tarragona was 
too good to last. Indeed, we might have been back 
in France for the first few miles out of the city, and 
even when we got again among the mountains there 
was little to complain of. As villages were few and far 
between, traffic correspondingly fell off, and our 
only adventure was with a charming man who was 
taking two very good-looking young horses to the 
Tarragona Tattersalls. We came on him in a pass 
among the mountains, and motors being rare, the 
animals were promptly all over the place. Our 
Artist, ever on the alert to perform brave deeds, was 
hanging on to the head of one almost before Jehu 
pulled the car up, but they were only got past us by 
being taken into a wood of olive trees and kept 
there till we had turned the corner. We walked 



i 4 o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

back, and had a long chat with their owner, who 
told us Tortosa was four miles on. We climbed 
and wound up and down a wonderfully built military 
road for the next five miles, putting up, amongst other 
things from the palmetto scrub, a covey of partridges 
and a flock of about two thousand sheep. Then we 
came across a little village with more children than 
any town ever had except Hamelin, and here the 
Artist purchased food and wine. The latter was in 
a bottle that had a " Household Ammonia" label on it, 
and I do not think it was quite empty when they 
put the wine in ; but he says he was far too busy 
sketching the interior of the posada where he got it 
to note. Glass bottles are current coin in these 
parts. The man who sold us a fearful - looking 
sausage told us that Tortosa was four miles off. So 
we left the ever-growing crowd of infants and pushed 
on. About two miles out we discussed our lunch. 
The word " discuss " is the correct one here. Two 
exquisite Guardia Civile who appeared, posed like 
cardboard silhouettes on the white summit of the 
hill against a turquoise background, informed us 
that Tortosa was fourteen miles off, but that we 
could cross the Ebro, the mouth of which lay below 
us in the wide, green valley, in a boat, and so save 
many leagues. " Oh, yes, automobiles frequently 
did so " ; so we resumed, but when we got near the 
river we found it was about two miles across, full of 
snow-water, and the ferry-boat was merely a large 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 141 

ordinary rowing one. Therefore we turned west to 
cross it by the bridge at Tortosa, as did also out 
friend the railway line. 

This road is a strikingly beautiful one, though 
jagged and rough. The peasants here were delight- 
ful, and their costumes of dark blue linen, black silk 
caps, bare legs, and slippers are most picturesque. 
We had plenty of time to inspect their garb, for an 
obliging tyre gave up the ghost, and the hour's delay 
obliged us to stop that night at Tortosa, which, 
actually, really, and truly, we found to be but seven 
miles or so away. 

This incident was very opportune, for it gave us 
a chance of seeing how truly hospitable Spanish 
peasants in these parts can be. No sooner had the 
ever-passing string of mule -cart drivers found we 
we were fixtures for half an hour or so, than they 
proceeded to bring us out wine in flask and skins, 
with glasses to drink it out of. And good it was too, 
though the marks of the glasses were on the car's 
bonnet for days after. Fancy English peasants (if 
there are such folk) obliging foreign motorists like 
this ! We gave one of the ringleaders a run into 
Tortosa, and never was a man more delighted and 
frightened at the same time. He wasted about fifty 
matches trying to light his cigarette before all the 
tobacco blew out of it — Spanish cigarettes are not 
gummed, but rolled round and held together. He 
yelled and waved at all his friends and acquaintances, 



142 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

invited us all to drink sherry with him when he got 
into the town, and then mysteriously disappeared. 

Tortosa is a real old Spanish city, untouched with 
modern improvements, except in the shape of hideous 
iron bridges over the river which, owing to the melt- 




At Tortosa 

ing snow, was as big as the Thames at Richmond, 
and running like a millrace. 

The streets are narrow, even for Spain, and the 
hotel, like most of them in the country, began on 
the first floor. But it was nice and comfortable, and 
during dinner we found it was correct to drink wine 
out of the spout of the decanter at a foot from the 
mouth. Now we know why most Spaniards have 




' Ml S ' i NARROW— EVEN FOR SPAIN 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 14 



such big mouths. But I wish they would not spit 
quite so much at meals. The Scrcno has a rare time 
here, and keeps the night lively with his prolonged 
howling. When it began to get light a fearful 
snoring woke us all up, and we wondered how such 
a snorer could be allowed to live. After breakfast — 
that is to say, coffee and a roll, for we could never 
get the Spaniards to believe we wanted more — we 
discovered the snorer was a well-rope over a wheel 
that ran up a hole in a wall between our bedroom 
walls. I see I have noted that there was a chamber- 
maid here; as a rule a sloppy camercro brought us 
the tiny jugs of agua calicnte for shaving. Baths 
were unheard-of things, but as the floors were always 
tiled and the spilling of water therefore of no conse- 
quence, we usually managed to get a very fair and 
useful imitation. 

The cathedral suffers from being shut in on every 
side, and it is hard to know when one has got to 
it. It is very old ; indeed, it started life as a 
mosque, but its cool, dark interior strikes a calming 
note after the bustle and glare outside. The Artist 
says it is very — oh, very — Spanish and characteristic, 
and if reverence on the part of the worshippers 
within is Spanish, then he is right. Cathedrals else- 
where seem to be, as a rule, nothing but museums 
and show places, but in Spain I always felt myself 
to be an intruder, a heretic, and one who had no 
business to invade the sanctuaries of a religion he 



i 4 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

was not qualified to share in. Every minute of the 
day in these big quiet temples some weary mortal 
comes in to take a brief respite from the cares with- 
out, and goes away again seemingly refreshed and 
lightened. There never seemed to be any showing- 
off, no perfunctory yawning through senseless shib- 
boleths, only dark, kneeling figures scattered about 
in the big aisles — worshippers in the best meaning 
of the word. And this use of the cathedrals and 
churches in Spain all day, and every day, gives one 
to think as to why in England our places of worship 
are, as a rule, for Sundays only, and then only if you 
can afford " Sunday clothes." " Sunday clothes," 
indeed! I often think that "Sunday clothes "have 
done as much to kill real religion in England as all 
the educational questions put together. But this is 
very much off the road. Let us resume our travels. 
Jarge and I climbed a mountain and got to an old 
fort, whence he was about to photograph the city 
below, when a custodian rushed out and forbade him. 
I suppose no soldier has used these battlements 
for a hundred years, and Jarge has not a revolu- 
tionary look by any means — he is more like a 
suffragette. So he photographed goats — the whole 
town was one tinkle of goats — and then we went 
down and assisted Jehu to get the car out of the 
stable into a street that was hardly as wide as the 
car was long. He only did it by running the back 
of it into the bishop's front door, and gradually 




UpFj 



The garage at Tortosa 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 147 

working round the front wheels. We took in petrol 
outside the octroi, which is a very economical way of 
doing it. Each can contained about five gallons, 
and was made square. The only way of getting the 
petrol out was by punching a hole in the top of the 
tin, and trusting to luck whether the benzina poured 
out into the funnel or elsewhere. We upset pints, 
and as all the Spaniards who crowded round were, of 
course, smoking, there was a very good chance of 
unlooked-for excitement. 

We left Tortosa, most truly Spanish of towns, over 
the ugly bridge, and bowled along (this is the last 
time of using that word) a perfect road by a canal 
for a few miles, then under the snow-capped moun- 
tains and through a low pass to the sea plain once 
more. And now we had got into the orange country 
with a vengeance. For miles and miles on each side 
there was nothing but orchards golden with fruit, 
while the ground beneath was covered two deep 
with them. Every cart, mule, driver, child, and dog for 
leagues around seemed to have been brought to help. 
The mules shied at the motor, and a cascade of oranges 
poured out from the back of the cart. We offered 
money for some,and the Daimler was filled for nothing. 
Beautiful oranges they were, all the biggest, as we saw- 
that night, destined to be wrapped up in paper with 
English printing on it and sent to Liverpool. The 
dogs were very fearful on this da)-. The road was 
gradually getting worse and worse, so the car was 



i 4 8 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

slowed down till any dog could keep up with us, and 
we must have saved hundreds of their lives with our 
whip as they made for certain death beneath our 
wheels. We passed through Castellon, which did not 
look interesting, and African-looking Villareal, which 
did owing to the tall palms that stood above its flat 
houses, and many another little village. About six 
o'clock the fort-crowned hill of Sagunto came into 
view, with that most ancient of cities lying beneath 
its precipitous sides. The road improved, lying 
parallel with the railway. We even dared race a 
train, and we were just winning hands down when, 
within a hundred yards of the town, a wide river 
crossed the road. The maps and books all gave a 
bridge — and assuredly they will be correct some day, 
for a most elegant one is in course of construction — 
but for us it was a case of going through it. Though 
quite as wide as the river at Tordera it did not 
appear as deep or rapid, so Jehu went at it, got 
three-quarters of the way across, and stuck with a 
slipping clutch. Nowadays the new Daimlers would 
not be so troubled, but the old pattern fly-wheel was 
rather low, and the water got on to the leather. 
Darkness was falling, hundreds of laden carts were 
crossing, and most of the mules shied in the water 
at the stranded car. One was so frightened that he 
made up-stream and began kicking at the cart, full 
of his master's family. Then he reared, plunged, 
and finally took a header into three feet of water, 



- *** '- 




'M0S1 OF i lit MULES SHIED AT THE STRANDED CAN' 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 149 

broke the shafts, and lay still. Wild excitement 
reigned. The women shrieked and were rescued by 
other carts, but nothing would induce that mule to 
save himself. In the end the horses that eventually 
salved us drew him out like a dead crocodile on to 
the farther bank. This was more exciting to the 
populace even than the motor, and they seemed quite 
sorry when the beast arose and, after making an 
awesome series of coughs, calmly walked home. 
Then I got on board another cart and asked the 
driver to take me to confer with the marooned Jehu 
and Jarge. He himself was delighted to oblige, but 
nothing would induce the mule to go near the car. 
In vain the driver swore and whacked him, then a 
trace went, and after turning round three times as if 
about to lie down, the beast bolted for deep water 
and the other bank. So I came safe to land. With 
the recollection of former situations, I rushed about 
and borrowed ropes, horses, and mules, and we all 
pushed and pulled, and after a bit out came the car. 
Before unharnessing the nearest beast Jehu switched 
on, and the engine started on its own after having 
been an hour in the water. The horse also started. 
Peace having been restored, we found our way to 
the station hotel, put the car in an orange-packing 
shed for the night, and went in to change our drip- 
ping clothes and get some food. I expect the 
Saguntines have a curious idea of the English folk 
and their habits, as three of us appeared at dinner 



150 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

like Toddles that night in our pyjamas and bedroom 
slippers, while our workaday suits hung drying over 
the charcoal pan where all the food was being pre- 
pared. The heat and the dust and the wetting of 
that day had done me no good, and I turned in early 
with a dose of fever, or something like it. This was 
the opportunity Jarge and the Artist had been wait- 
ing for, and they came up and filled me full of all 
sorts of drugs. But I was revenged by keeping 
them awake most of the night with my consequent 
awful groans and moans. 

The next morning I rose later than my comrades, 
and went alone across the yard to the railway 
station to see if I could find anything to tempt 
my jaded palate. A breakfast of liqueur brandy* 
and dry biscuits among a small plantation of little 
palms in pots made me feel better. So I went up 
into the town to try and find my comrades. As in 
every town in these parts, all the shops opened in one 
big doorway on to the street, and within the dark, cool- 
looking interior the shopkeepers were busy at their 
trades. I rather fancy that middlemen are not very 
prosperous hereabouts. Basket weavers, seemingly 
using their toes as extra hands, were very common ; 
but I halted not until 1 came to an artist in cork 
decanters. And here I remained fascinated at the 
rows of clean-looking brass-bound cork tubs, wine 
flasks, and young barrels. I wanted to buy the lot, 
but thought of the overcrowded car, and contented 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 151 

myself with one that stood on four brass legs, 
had four brass bands round it, and two brass necks 
sticking out of the top. I paid for it, six pesetas I 
think it was, and resumed my stroll. When I got 
into the market-place, which was full of all manner 
of wares, including a vast amount of crockery, I met 
with Jehu. I was just about to show him my 
treasure when I noticed he was carrying two of 
the same breed. He remarked that great minds 
evidently thought alike, and together we inspected 
the lively scene. Most of the population seemed to 
be either over seventy or under ten, and the thing 
which attracted most attention was a cheap-jack 
drug-seller, who wore a lion-skin on his head. There 
was also a booth depicting, with horrible realism and 
an enormous welter of gore, the life and sudden 
death of some malefactor, presumably an anarchist, 
by the number of explosions he managed to crowd 
into his brief existence. The final execution scene 
was a triumph of detail, and no doubt it all served to 
point a very good moral. We were just wondering 
if the Artist had gone up to inspect the remains of 
the Roman theatre I had been impressing on him the 
necessity of viewing, when he came out of a large 
shed where the youth and beauty of Sagunto were 
busy wrapping English labels on oranges and pack- 
ing them in the familiar crates. lie was also carry- 
ing an own brother to our wine vessels, and the only 
remark he made was that it showed how precious 



152 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

few things there were to buy in all the long way we 
had come. So when we started again the presence 
of four of these six-pointed awkward things in the 
tonneau had to be felt properly to be appreciated, 
and my only consolation came when one of them 
was discovered to be missing. After a bit we packed 
them in the Cape-cart hood with many other acces- 
sories, including the tyre-pump, my pelerine, and all 
the leather linings of our overcoats. 

The Artist had a great longing for wine-skins. If 
I had allowed him he would have bought a hollow 
pig, tied up at the knees and neck, filled it with 
liquor, and dangled it from the back of the car. But 
I pointed out that this was only done in fiction or by 
the very poor, for, as I understood, it takes several 
generations of hard drinkers to get the original taste 
of the animal out of the hide before it begins to 
improve the vintage. This quieted him, though I 
suspect he sent some home on the sly for his own 
private use. 

Sagunto, as every schoolboy knows, was a famous 
place in history. Hannibal besieged it ineffectually 
for months, and when at last he broke down the wall, 
he found another behind it, and so on, like a cheap 
Easter egg, for four times. And even after all this 
he got cold comfort, for amid terrific street-fighting, 
the town set itself on fire, and beyond his own great 
losses he captured nothing but blackened corpses and 
ruined buildings. 



THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORE 153 

Nowadays the inhabitants give themselves up 
entirely to commerce, and the market in full swing 
was far more like a fair or a north-country wake 
than a weekly business. 




The Artist's trousers 



It would have been nice to have lingered longer in 
this unspoiled old town, but the atrocious roads up- 
set all our deep-laid plans and made one day's pro- 
jected run into three. It was not the car's fault, nor 
yet our own, but simply and solely owing to the 



154 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

roads, which were steadily getting worse as we got 
further south. 

We had lightened our load as much as possible, 
sending on our luggage to Madrid, and this is why 
our pyjamas appeared at dinner at Sagunto. Mer- 
cedes, the daughter of the house, dried the Artist's 
trousers by ironing them the wrong way, which gave 
him a humorous appearance, though I believe there 
is a royal precedent for it. Now Mercedes, in spite 
of her name, had never been in a motor, so Jarge 
photographed a unique group, comprising the Artist 
at the steering-wheel and Mercedes in the Daimler 
by his side, both occupying their proud positions for 
the first time. 

And then we left for Valencia, which we reached at 
midday, over roads even more impossible to describe 
than ever. 






CHAPTER VI 
THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 

With good intentions, wise men say, the road to hell is paved : 
Then surely all the roads in Spain are used but l>y the saved. 

Tirante el Blanco 

THE road into Valencia is only not as bad as it 
might be when it is compared with the road 
out of it. I hope my readers are getting sick of 
this mention of bad roads. If they are, my inten- 
tion is being fulfilled, for it can more easily be 
realised how much more sick we must have been. 
All round Valencia, as indeed everywhere along this 
sea-coast plain, we could not help being struck with 
the strenuous manner in which agriculture is being 
carried on. I have heard the Spaniards called lazy, 
but no epithet could possibly be more unsuitable for 
these tillers of the soil. Always at it, damming, 
ploughing, pruning, ditching, irrigating and every 
other kind of work, they were almost too busy to 
turn their heads to look at a motor going where no 
self-respecting motor ever ought to go. Their dogs 
left them to pursue us — they took no notice ; their 
mules stampeded in the snaggy, stumpy vineyards — 
they only hauled them back again. Some of the 

'55 



156 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

bits the mules wore were sweet things, and permitted 

of no trifling, and everywhere it seemed a case of a 

"terrible lot to do to-day, to do to-day" — for here, 

undoubtedly, to use Kipling's parody of "Atalanta 

in Calydon," 

Life is a long-drawn question 
Between a crop and a crop. 

Talking of crops, Baedeker, who gets really poetical 
in dealing with this neighbourhood, says that from 
fourteen to seventeen crops of lucerne can be grown 
on some land every year. That is oftener than I 
have my hair cut. I expect the man who told him 
that thought he wanted to buy the ground. But I 
can quite believe in the enormous fertility of the 
soil, and if this statement is exaggerated, it is not 
from want of trying. Nothing seems to come amiss, 
and the most diverse products jostle each other. 
There is a sameness about the houses in these 
dreary parts. Sometimes, where the hills run down 
towards the road, there will be a bit of a ruined 
castle or so on the top of one, but beyond this a 
country residence is never seen. In the thickly 
populated villages it seems almost the same, and one 
has to go to the very big towns in order to find 
where the owners of the big farms, factories, and 
businesses live. It may work very well, but it gives 
a monotonous dullness to the countryside, and un- 
doubtedly is the real reason for the appalling state 
of the highways. 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 157 

We did not linger long in Valencia, the mo t 
attractive part of which seems to be the big archway 
l>y the bridge over which you enter from the north. 
Then you get into modern streets, full of life and 
animation. As I always had a family failing for 
comparisons, I would liken Valencia to Bristol more 
than any other English town I know of, and I believe 
once upon a time there was a big trade done between 
the two towns. Jarge liked the town because he 
had both his boots cleaned at once by two very 
amusing Murillo-looking boys. His boots — like all 
of ours — had passed three nights and one river with- 
out a revival, so the boys earned their money. 

After lunch we departed south, having seen none 
of the sights of the town. Now, originally, we had 
arranged to go down south to Andalusia (which, by 
the way, is called Andaluthia — the Spaniards not 
pronouncing their s's very well), but the roads had 
determined otherwise, and at Barcelona we had 
limited the voyage to Elche. We had asked Mr. 
Ridgeley of Barcelona, as to Elche. He said : " What 
do you want to go there for? Believe me, boys, 
there's nothing at Elche to see but four hundred acres 
of con — demned palm trees." Yet, for all that, we 
aimed that way, and hoped to see this little bit of 
Africa in Europe. But the twenty miles of assorted 
primeval brickbats out of Valencia were too much 
for us ; we held a council of war, and unanimously 
determined to push inland, our experience being that 



158 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

hill roads were always better than plain ones — I 
should say, less awful. I think the Artist was the 
only one who was in any way sorry ; pace was not 
his metier, and Jehu was only enjoyable to him on 
bad roads. But Jarge and Jehu and I rejoiced, for 
we had all a motorist's sympathy with his car and 
the tyres. We used to get out and look at the 
Daimler sometimes and threaten to get her canonised, 
for her behaviour was simply marvellous. By every 
right of rhyme and reason, by every Tourist's 
Trophy, or " Reliability Trial " excuse, she should 
have given up the ghost somehow or somewhere 
long before. But she did not, and to anticipate 
events, on her last day she put in almost the fastest 
work of the whole course. She was English, and she 
looked it, and she behaved in the English fashion 
which is so annoying to others. It amuses me now to 
read in the advertisement columns of the motor press 
the accounts of what such and such a car has done, 
and to compare it with what we put this one at and 
emerged scratched, dented, and barged into, though 
always triumphant. And so, out of sympathy for her, 
the tyres, and ourselves, we turned her head west for 
Madrid. Orange groves were as plentiful as ever, with 
paddy-fields separating them. We stopped at one 
farm where the prettiest children in the world came 
out yelling, " Automovil ! Aatomovil /" and we asked 
permission to be allowed to purchase some oranges. 
The farmer smiled, filled the car, and would take 




NO OTHER CAR HAD EVER BEEN THROI '.II ALGEMES1 BEFO] I 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 159 

nothing, so we thought to take some of the children 
for a little run. But it is as dangerous to allow a car 
to stand still on these Valencian mads as on the 
Goodwin Sands, and when we tried to start we found 
we must have settled comfortably down through the 
road, for there was a big bang, the fly-wheel case 
knocked out a stone that weighed half a hundred- 
weight, and we all wondered what had happened. 
However, the car only whistled, and we ploughed on 
to Algemesi. 

Now we had never meant to stay the night here, 
and, indeed, the first time we had ever heard of it 
was when a boy told us it was the name of the 
village we were stopped in by the dark. We pulled 
up in the square and were surrounded by thousands. 
The Artist was sent off to find a posada, and after 
visiting three, each looking dirtier than the last, 
discovered one that looked a cut cleaner than the 
others, and possessing a yard where we could put 
the motor up in peace. The crowd was thicker 
than any we had seen in Spain, and soon after we 
found out the reason. A T o other car had ever been 
through Algemesi before. We felt like Nansens or 
Stanleys, though we were conscious of an inward 
voice that whispered, " More fools we for coming 
then." Like Jordan's waters, the throng gave way in 
front as we moved slowly down the street to the 
Hotel Valencianos, and turned in through the arch- 
way. On occasions like this only is there an excuse 



160 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

for a "cut-out" to the exhaust, a fine thing to keep 
people back. The crowd followed, marvelling ; 
nothing could restrain them. The police themselves 
were as bad as any, and as for certain young gentle- 
men, who were freshly-drawn conscripts, their atten- 
tions were quite embarrassing. 

I think our hotel must have been a sort of palace 
once upon a time, and the arrangements of all the 
rooms were very quaint. There was a landlord, of 
sorts, but the landlady was in command. She did 
everything, with the assistance of a six-year-old 
daughter called Lola. Every girl in Spain — that is 
to say, those we met — seems to be called either Lola 
or Mercedes. We had a good, but quaint, dinner — ■ 
fish last, as usual — and the landlord came in and ate 
a sheep's head when we were discussing pqferos, which 
are ordinary house-top sparrows. Then all his friends 
came in and sat round, looking at the strange, wild 
beasts who had come in the often-heard-of but never- 
seen " automovil? The Artist engaged them in chat, 
and drew pictures of them. Jehu showed them 
conjuring tricks, and Jarge imitated birds. I talked 
Esperanto to the landlord, who put me down as in- 
toxicated. The coffee that night was excellent, all 
in separate pots, but it was difficult to prevent our 
hostess putting sugar in the cups from force of habit. 
I think the fact that three of us took no sugar in 
coffee aroused more searchings of heart in Spain 
than any other peculiarity. And, after all, in Eng- 




iptf-Q J, 



A study in Valencia 



M 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 163 

land you get it read)- mixed up in your tea as 
a matter of course at school-treats and harvest- 
homes. 

At the cafe afterwards we met a man who had 
been to Liverpool once. He was very pleased to 
see us, but had omitted to learn English during the 
week he was there. Then we found a Frenchman, 
who nearly fell on the Artist's neck and talked 
nineteen to the dozen about things they had in 
common. In this part of Spain, at that time of the 
year, it is the fashion for every man and boy to carry 
a rug round his neck. You never see any one with- 
out one, and the dernier cri this season was either 
a large Scotch tartan or else fearful spots on a con- 
trasting ground. Anyhow, in the mass, the effect 
was very fine. Higher up on the plateau they not 
only carried them, but used them as well. 

Now our landlord, who had chaperoned us to the 
cafe, was very proud of being such a marked man, 
and proceeded to get hopelessly drunk. So we made 
divers excuses and went home without him, to the 
great grief of all the town that had been able to get 
inside the building. Next morning, over our early 
chocolate and egg-in-a-wineglass, the landlady asked 
us if we too had come home in the disgraceful con- 
dition her husband had. When we said we had not, 
she told us what she thought of her other half, and 
from all I could make out he gets a pretty bad 
time on occasions. All through that night fresh 



i6 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

relays of folk came to see the car, and the horn was 
honking away without intermission. We soon got 
used to it and knew, in spite of the yarns we had 
been primed with at home, that everything was quite 
safe and sound, though very likely to have been in- 
vestigated and smelt by a thousand curious, wonder- 
ing folk. Our departure was witnessed by every- 
body in the place, and we were followed well out of the 
town by all the small boys, cheering at the top of 
their voices. It is pleasant to be popular, but annoy- 
ing to be the centre of attraction to too great an ex- 
tent, and Algemesi was very pressing. After all, I 
don't suppose the interest taken in us was much 
greater than that motors in England ten years ago 
used to create, and, unless they improve the roads, 
the next one the Algemesians will see will be on 
board a flying-machine. 

The first thing we came across after coming out 
of the town was a river. We did not even stop 
to inspect its depth, but rushed her at it with a 
successful result. The road was as usual after, but 
we were cheered by the thought that in about three 
leagues we should be on the " Carretera Real," or 
" Royal Road." The district is a very populous one, 
and rice is the great product. When the ricefields 
came up to the town walls there used to be a lot 
of fever in the villages — paddy-fields are pestilent 
places — and so a law was enacted to prevent rice 
being grown within ten kilometres of towns, and 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 16s 



though, by the look of it, their idea of kilometres is 
rather a contracted one, I am told it has had a 
wonderful effect. Perhaps in England we shall some 
day have a law preventing horses being kept in the 
vicinity of cities, in which case we shall go to London 
for fresh air. 

We journeyed on, picking our way delicately amid 



. --:••■ 








mrr-x . 



<£>. 






"^k*s£r 



We crossed the river Jacur by a fearful wooden bridge 

boulders and mules, to Alberique, near where we 
crossed the river Jacur by a fearful wooden bridge, 
described as " temporary " though the new one that 
is going to take its place is a hoary-looking, un- 
finished, antique ruin. And then we left the plain, 
fair — to the eye — fertile, and warm, and began to 
climb past Jativa up the long valley that leads to the 



1 66 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

desolate plateau of Albacete and on to Madrid. It 
would have been pleasant to have stayed at Jativa, 
as every one told how charming a place it was ; but 
we had no time for pleasure. On and on we ran 
over a better road, only comparatively speaking, 
than we had seen for a hundred miles. In ten miles 
we climbed 2400 feet, and all the time the road lay 
like a plumb-line up the valley. The view from the 
end, of the terraced vineyards on each side and the 
little white villages scattered amongst them, with 
the big dusty plain and the blue Mediterranean in 
the far distance, is one that is worth going a very 
long way to see, but it needs to be revealed to the 
traveller coming from the flat, cold, unlovely, central 
plateau inland to be appreciated properly. We. had 
left below the orange groves ; then the aloes and then 
the cork trees went ; soon only single olive trees and 
barren vineyards served to remind us we were still in 
the South. 

Lunch at Montesa was quite amusing. There is a 
wonderful old mediaeval castle — which, report says, 
was destroyed by an earthquake nearly two hundred 
years ago — about a mile from the king's road, with a 
little village clustering round it, and where we halted 
there were trees in blossom and clumps of prickly 
pear by the roadside. Our car rather disorganised 
a passing string of mules, and so their driver took 
the opportunity for a chat. We offered him lunch 
and cigarettes — everybody always offers every one 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 167 

cigarettes in Spain — and he invited us to drink with 
him out of his wine-skin. First of all, he showed us 
how to do it, and Jarge photographed him in the act. 
Then we tried, but as our stock of collars was 
limited, we soon gave it up. I think the Artist did 
best ; though when he crowed over his skill, it was 
necessary to be sarcastic as to the value of width 
of smile. We presented a gentleman of the road 
with a peseta for some reason or other, and before we 
noticed he was gone he was back again with a two- 
gallon skin of puce-coloured wine; and we had to drink 
to him in it, for courtesy such as this is the rule among 
the Spanish peasantry, though as unheard-of in their 
middle classes as it would be anywhere in England. 
Since our return I have read with interest some 
advice given by a German to the readers of the 
Autocar as to carrying a revolver for robbers in 
Spain. Our experience is that you can leave it behind, 
or at any rate only take it out in pretentious hotels 
where English or French is spoken. Robbers, as 
in our own land, are more often to be found inside 
hotels than between them. 

About half-past two we left Montesa, summer, 
and the real Sunny South. The wind got up, and 
the grass died away. There seemed to be very little 
traffic of any kind after the quarries which look over 
the long valley were left behind, and the road got 
steadily worse. Then an obelisk told us we had 
entered the province of Albacete. The country was 



1 68 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

rolling and wind-swept, even more unsheltered than 
is Newmarket in the winter. The peasants were clad 
in sheepskins and muffled up to the eyes. As to 
the road, Rehoboam's improvement on Jeroboam's 
methods is the only parallel I can think of; for 
whereas our Dunlops had been chastised with brick- 
bats, they were now expected to run over ragged 
rocks. But they held out, even though Jehu had 
to roll and wobble the car from side to side to avoid 
the perilous and craggy reefs. Heaven help any 
one who might have to motor there in the dark ! 
We meandered on for about twenty miles, and then 
Almansa, with an old Moorish castle sticking above 
and a big snow-clad range of mountains behind, 
received us. We had made up our minds, and drove 
direct to the railway station. We explained we 
desired to put the car and ourselves on the train for 
Madrid. After hours of conversation, the filling up 
of innumerable pages, and the counting out of many 
notes, it was arranged. The arithmetic of the officials 
was very primitive, and required many heads and 
much writing and talking, insomuch that, being 
unable to bear the delay any longer, our Artist came 
out with " Dos y dos hace cuatro" which, he says, 
means " Two and two make four." They took the 
hint, roared with laughter, and after this the clerical 
portion of the business was finished much more 
quickly. 

Then it was necessary to put the car on a truck. 




JEHU RUSHED THE CAR AT THE OBSTACLE 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 169 

There were no proper ramps and no end-on sidings, 
but it was no time for standing on ceremony. An 
enormous crowd, as usual, collected. We flung a 
frail, uncertain bridge of stones and boards slanting- 
wise across the gap on to the truck which stood 
parallel to the platform. Jehu put on his most 
haughty appearance and rushed the car at the ob- 
stacle. With a fearful clatter the front wheels walked 
the plank, leapt on to the flooring, and with a mighty 
twist, before the back ones had left the splitting, 
sagging landing-stage, he had turned the car half 
round, and all four tyres were at rest on the level 
truck. It is a pity we were all too busy to photo- 
graph this feat of daring — one of the most dangerous 
yet absolutely necessary jobs I have ever witnessed. 
We roped down the motor, covered her with a tar- 
paulin, and bade her farewell till Madrid. 

It was bitterly cold up here, and at the little inn 
where we dined it was good to find a wood fire in the 
middle of the *big room, with seats all round it. A 
hole in the roof let the smoke out, picturesque dark 
faces and white teeth gleamed in the flamelight, and 
the only thing that prevented it being an absolute 
picture of an old Spanish interior was the everlasting 
electric light which hung from the ceiling in the most 
modern-looking lamps. During our meal — which was 
quaint, and ended with weird dry fruits— I nearly 
burnt my feet off, happening to put them into the 
glowing charcoal dish that lurked under every table. 



170 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

We tried aguardiente, three glasses of which cost 
about twopence, and I see in my notes that Jehu was 
very sick in the train. We were told that motors 
were very rare on the road here — only two had been 
here before — and there seems very little in these 
parts to attract. 

There is a monument somewhere near, com- 
memorating a victory by the Duke of Berwick over 
the Austrians in 1707, but it was much too cold to 
go and see it. Besides, we were not quite clear who 
the Duke of Berwick was, and what on earth he was 
doing in this benighted part of the land. 

Our train left about midnight, and got into Madrid 
about eight in the morning. There is a curious pro- 
cedure about railway-travelling in Spain. You are 
first locked into a waiting-room, like so many wit- 
nesses in a case depending entirely upon circumstan- 
tial evidence. Then the train comes in, the door is 
opened, and you are allowed to rush at it. If you 
board a train without a ticket you have to pay 
double. And they make you. The first-class car- 
riages are very comfortable, and like most other 
European ones to look at. The trains, as I have 
said before, go very slowly, and spend a long time at 
all stations. The guard walks up and down the 
footboard all the time, and is for ever passing the 
window or coming in to wake you up. It seems 
usual to get out at all stations to go to the fonda and 
drink chocolate. Then some one tells you in a long, 




THE POSADA Al Al MANNA 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 171 

high-drawn chant to " take your seats," but even then 
nothing much happens. Then some one blows a horn, 
and after a bit the engine whistles. Just when you are 
thinking the noise must belong to some other train, 
off she goes, and you sleep in comfort till the next 
station. Why I say " next station " is because at 
every one we came to, on all lines, there was a turn- 
table with the inevitable track at right angles. Con- 
sequently just before or just after the train came to 
rest there was a terrific crescendo bangety bangety 
bang of the wheels going over the bump, which noise 
invariably had the effect of waking us up. I sup- 
pose one would get used to it in time, but to us it 
always came fresh. The view out of the windows, 
across the plain of " La Mancha," the country where 
Don Quixote is made to live, is one of the most 
depressing I have ever seen by moonlight or any 
other light. Here and there a reed-fringed lagoon 
or a dismal swamp ; now and then a miserable 
dwelling, and everywhere a featureless rolling void. 
With the rumble of the train the first lines of Swin- 
burne's " Salt Marshes" came to me and wove them- 
selves into my cramped slumbers : — 

Miles, and miles, and miles of desolation ! 

Leagues on leagues on leagues without a change ! 
Sign or token of some eldest nation 

Here would make the strange land not so strange. 

Only occasionally the plain gave way to forests of 
young trees, vast to monotony, and so we passed 



172 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

through Chinchilla, Albacete, and Alcazar. Towards 
Cartillejo the dawn broke and lit up the naked 
country with a hundred tints. I suppose it is one of 
the compensations of Nature that the best sunsets 
(and this includes sun-risings) are to be seen amid 
dullest surroundings. At all events, this particular 
one was so beautiful that I had to wake up the others 
to point out its beauties. But the photographers 
were not artists, and the Artist himself is not a 
Colourist (at any rate at that time in the morning), 
so I had it all to myself. The scenery put me in 
mind of some lithographs of Palestine that hung in 
a certain dingy classroom when I was a little boy ; 
and, save for some well-remembered vultures and 
camel-bones that appeared in all the series, they 
might have pictured equally well this land of salt 
and soda, where only windmills break the monotony. 
By the way, as Baedeker soundly remarks, the delu- 
sion of the Knight of the Rueful Countenance is 
made a little less preposterous than Dore's pictures 
represent by the very small size of these erections, 
most of them being not more than eight feet high. 

The sight that gave us the most pleasure was the 
awfulness of the King's Road as it ran by the railway 
line, and the dreary barrenness of the 360 kilometres 
we were missing would have probably put an end to us 
all. We reached Aranjuez about 7.30 on a cold, 
bright morning — everybody within view being in- 
distinguishably wrapped in rugs. Aranjuez has a 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 



73 



curiously home-like appearance, because there arc 
rows of English elms planted all about it. We did 
not visit the town, but Mr. Baedeker says that the 
Marquis Grimaldi, who was once upon a time 
Spanish Ambassador at The Hague — a trying post 
at times — caused by his suggestions the building of 
it in the Dutch style. There is a royal palace here, 
the ancient hunting park, and some of Velasquez' 
pictures show parts of it in their backgrounds. The 
guide-book mentions that no place in Europe is so 
celebrated for nightingales or quite so hot in summer. 
Hut the latter is a favourite Spanish boast, and when 
we passed through a shawl containing a porter was 
engaged in breaking the ice on the water-tank. 

After this we dropped down by the Tagus amid a 
trifle more enlivening scenery all the way to Madrid, 
which we reached about an hour later. As we had 
come by reputed "grand velocidad," the car was left 
behind, and the picking out our hotel omnibus from 
the hundred others that desired our patronage was 
rather an undertaking. Spanish cabs, though slow, 
are not so bad, and even sometimes run to taxi- 
meters, while their horses, though nothing to wonder 
at, are far superior to the poor sore-ridden beasts 
that make a stay in Naples a misery to all but the 
blind. We drove to the Hotel Ingles and, before 
anything else, we wallowed — " for we needed of it so." 

Having stayed in Madrid for three days, I am 
fully qualified to know all about it. The population 



174 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

seem all very careful not to catch cold, remaining 
well wrapped up all day, and frequenting cafes that 
are like the hot rooms of Turkish baths. They 
are also very ordinary types, and, as the Artist 
pointed out, one hardly ever sees any one on the 




That there was a tram behind made no difference 

pavement who has not his double in a crowded London 
or Manchester street. The Puerta del Sol is the 
centre of the important part of the town, and all the 
big shopping streets focus themselves like the rays 
of the sun into it. All the tram-cars meet here as 
well, and I think their drivers must have a club 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 175 

close by, for the whole place is packed with cars till 
it looks like a gigantic shunting puzzle. I imagine 
some of the inside cars of all must be there for 
weeks, unless they manage to get away in the early 
hours of the morning. But no one seems to mind. 
Just in front of one of them we saw two men selling 

EXTRANJET?0 




Madrid post-box 

books out of a basket the size of a coracle. They 
held it one each end and walked down the middle of 
the street. That there was a tram behind them 
made no difference— the sale of a penny note-book 
only kept it waiting a minute or so. This is nothing 
in Spain, where all the railway and electrical officials 
wear forked-lightning badges on their caps, and say 
tf Ma#ana" with their lips. 



176 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

The post-boxes at the General Post Office are in 
the shape of two magnificent lions' heads with wide- 
open mouths. There used to be something of the 
same sort in Venice, and Mr. Justice Darling has 
credited Mr. John Burns with trying to establish the 




Our complimentary statue 

same idea of the "bocca del Leone" in London, where- 
in if any one had a secret complaint of anybody 
else he posted a note to that effect, and it was dealt 
with by a secret tribunal with a sure and generally 
fatal result. Madrid paid us a great compliment, 
in that one of the first statuary groups we encoun- 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 177 

tered was nothing less than a representation of 
horses pulling a car through water up to the floor- 




The retire«l bull-fighter 

boards. We took this very kindly, though Jehu did 
not think it was much like him, and the Artist went 
so far as to sketch it. He and I did a lot of prowl- 

N 



178 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

ing about, and once we saw a retired bull-fighter — 
with his little pigtail — looking at a picture of a bull 
in a shop window with a sort of deprecatory smile 
over the decadence of things since his time. As 
a matter of fact, he looked as if the world had done 
him too well, and we think that if he ever got back 
into the ring he would be indistinguishable in size 
from the bull itself. 

None of the streets look very imposing, but the 
royal palace, built as it were on the city's walled 
edge, is very fine. And there always seemed to be 
something going on there, from the many fine carriages 
and big automobiles that were for ever driving in and 
out of it. Madrid seems a great place for uniforms, 
and I do not expect the King ever wears plain 
clothes in his own capital — at any rate, we never 
saw him in them. The ceremony of changing the 
guard in the Palace Square always draws a big 
crowd and is quite imposing. All sorts and condi- 
tions of arms take part in it, and the " Marcha 
Reale" is a truly elegant composition. We all picked 
up the tune and lost it the next day, which was very 
aggravating. 

Close by the square is the Armeria — the most 
famous armoury in the world. In perfect order and 
condition the history of chivalry can be followed 
step by step in this unique collection. And little 
side-shows in the shape of kings' tents— such as 
figured on the " Field of the Cloth of Gold "— 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 179 

Moorish weapons, bishops' maces, hoys' armour, 
dogs' armour, travelling litters, and ceremonial lances 
make the museum of the most fascinating interest. 
Here is all the exquisite gold- inlaid armour which 
the envoys of Philip wore when in England for the 
arranging of his marriage with Queen Mary, and 
here, too, is the wonderful Japanese armour sent at 
the same time to Philip from the Land of the Rising 
Sun, and differing little from the armour worn there 
until half a century ago. Spain and Japan have 
always treated their actual swords with more respect 
than most nations, and a visit here shows how 
well worthy of almost veneration the results are. 

Of course we went to see the Prado Gallery, and 
Our Artist would not halt until he stood in the Velas- 
quez Room and broke into superlatives. I hear that 
another motorist was not quite so happy; he had 
followed as keenly as any one, but when he got there 
looked rather disappointed. He was asked what 
was his trouble, and answered that he could not 
see any. He was told these pictures were probably 
the most valuable set of paintings in the whole world, 
and that there is no artist nowadays so worshipped 
as Velasquez. He turned away with a look of dis- 
gust. " Velasquez," he groaned. " I thought you 
said Elastes." I may say he was not one of our 
party. To return to sensible topics, this room is 
worth all the rest of the collection put together. 
His works here are so varied in character that 



i8o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

those we have at our National Gallery in London 
give absolutely no idea of the marvellous talent of 
the master. The figures at home are almost too 
much of a kind, and though the newly acquired 
Venus may be perfect of its sort, it is more of an 
excursion from his ordinary and wonderful style. 
His dwarfs and actors, his groups that seem at once 
to stand out of the frames and make holes in the 
walls, his pathetic, dressed-up little royalties, are as 
only he himself could see them and draw them. Of 
all the great artists I know, Velasquez and Franz 
Hals at Haarlem are the most in luck, for they have 
their rooms to themselves, and no one else to 
disturb them. 

Time passed all too quickly at the Prado, and 
electric bells and machine-made servants swept us 
out at four o'clock. The Artist (ours, I mean) eluded 
them three times before he was cast at length forth 
his idol's room. I tried to explain how famous he 
was in his own land, but as his hair was newly cut 
that day, and he had likewise washed, I was not 
believed ; so out we had to go without having seen 
a tenth of what we wanted to, and with no further 
chance of returning another day. The Prado closing- 
time is fearfully and wonderfully arranged. 

The Madrid shops are not very exciting. In one 
window we saw an imitation, red-legged partridge 
connected with a bulb by about thirty yards of india- 
rubber tubing. Investigation showed that when the 



THE RAIL-BOUND CAR 1S1 

bulb was squeezed the bird chirped and flapped its 
wings. Now the wily Spanish sportsman — prior to 
the real sporting fashion as set by King Alfonso — 
fixes this up and secretes himself in a bush until its 
antics have attracted a real partridge, whereat he 
takes careful aim and fires. 

I expect the artificial bird is a new invention, for a 
Spanish gubernador once told a cousin of mine who 
was in the harbour in his cruiser that it was his 
custom never to waste a cartridge on a partridge for 
this reason : " I take a live bird," said he, " and peg 
him down. Then near him, but out of sight, I place 
my chair and a little table for my liqueur and cigarette; 
then I wait. No, I do not miss any shots ; if he is not 
still I shoot him not till he is. So." 

King Alfonso cannot do a greater work for the 
people, animals, and birds of his beautiful kingdom 
than show, as he is doing by his own example, the 
real meaning and proper sense of the word " sport." 



CHAPTER VII 
TOLEDO AND MADRID 

Fitting and right it is, that out of Sunny Spain, Chivalry's Birthplace, 
(Sfaiu that once led all the world with the Hone and the Sword 

and the Fan) 
Waking again from its slumber of centuries, taking its part in the 

World-race, 
Comes forth a man who's a King, aye and better, a king who's a 

Man ! — Owen John 

AS a great treat on the Sunday, we allowed the 
iV Daimler to have a rest and an even more needed 
wash, while we, who also required a little change, be- 
came Cook's tourists for once in our lives and visited 
Toledo under his earth-embracing auspices. Toledo 
is but little, over forty miles as an English crow would 
fly, but even the best Spanish trains take nearly two 
hours and a half over the journey each way. The 
view out of the carriage window was not exciting — 
nothing but a miserable brown and barren waste. 
At one station a blind beggar walked up and down 
by the train, ringing a bell to attract attention, 
though I think that was all she got. Sunday trains 
in Spain seem immensely popular, and we should 
not have got seats at all if Mr. Cook had not 

182 




The Gateway of Toledo 



TOLEDO AND MADRID 185 

previously engaged them. While on the subject of 
Mr. Cook a remark of one of his Spanish repre- 
sentatives, concerning some luggage that had not 
arrived, ought to be framed and hung up in their head 
office : " We can do everything everywhere — except 
in Spain." But even here they do not do so badly, 
and railway travelling without their aid and assis- 
tance becomes not only extra trouble but also a 
much greater expense. 

About half-past ten we got out at Toledo ; our 
guide met us, and we drove up into the city over the 
famous Puente de Alcantara that spans the Tagus. 
Our photographers were fully armed, and the town 
suffered severely. Mr. Baedeker calls it the Spanish 
Rome, doubtless on account of its warlike associa- 
tions, but our English towns of Shrewsbury and 
Durham give a much better idea of the place, though 
on a far smaller scale. The river, confined in a 
narrow cleft, forms nearly two-thirds of the boundary. 
The open part of the horseshoe is defended by 
stupendous walls and battlements, dropping almost 
perpendicularly to the plain beneath. Towers and 
castles abut at every angle, and massive buildings 
rise tier above tier to the big castle on the top. And 
even the private houses — almost all built on the 
Moorish plan of having their windows inside looking 
on to the patio, and nothing but blank walls without 
— give the same inhospitable effect. Romans, Van- 
dals, Moors, and Spaniards have all in turn been 



1 86 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

masters here, and in few places have the fires of the 
Inquisition burned more fiercely. The exterior of 
one of the big churches is decorated with hundreds 
of huge iron manacles — of the kind now to be seen 
only in political cartoons of 1906 — struck off the 
limbs of the Christian prisoners found in the dun- 
geons of the Moors. The streets, narrow and full of 
arches, are hardly ever straight for twenty paces, 
while behind the barred gateways that take the place 
of the balconies of softer Spain, one can easily 
imagine the hatching of all manner of dark con- 
spiracies and black intrigue. 

The few windows that do look out upon the street 
are full of romance, and the Artist and I beheld in 
two places female hands drooping from out the 
dark and clasped by sentimental-looking young 
gentlemen from the Military Academy. And their 
loverlike attitude was correctness itself, though they 
could not possibly tell whose hand it might be. I 
expect all such adventures here begin with a red 
rose dropped from the casement. If they do not, 
they certainly ought to. 

But nowadays Toledo is but a remnant of its 
former self, and the image that rises to my thoughts 
is that of an old and empty wasps' nest, almost, 
though not quite, as fallen as Babylon, Nineveh, or 
Kor. Not a score thousand of people dwell now 
where men of war once poured forth in their myriads. 
Streets that rang with the clank of an army of 



TOLEDO AND MADRID 187 

armour-makers now echo lonelily to the solitary tap- 
ping of the shod mule, and the high places where 
once the destiny of the nations was settled, serve but 
as a peep-show for gaping globe-trotters. Here is a 




Venus and Mars. A sketch at Tuledu 

place where we can almost say with old Omar 
Khayyam — 

They say the lion and the lizard keep 
The courts where Jamshyd gloried and drank deep ; 
And Bahrain — that great hunter— the wild ass 
Stamps o'er his head, but cannot break his bleep. 



1 88 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

And it does not mitigate one's regret to know 
that the only thriving industry in the city is the 
manufacture of souvenirs for the ever-flowing stream 
of tourists that flock to see this remnant of the elder 
nation, though very likely this is what the poet was 
thinking of in the last two lines. 

We lunched at a very modern and cold hotel, and 
afterwards took the usual drive round the town, said 
" Oh ! " at intervals to the monotonous recitatif oi the 
guide, looked where we had to, saw the town from 
afar off, and generally behaved as intelligent person- 
ally-conducted tourists should Then we were allowed 
a little time to ourselves, and my notes indicate that 
there seems to be a juvenile Sandhurst situated here 
and that the cadets — however young and small they 
may be — always carry swords. Water seems scarce, 
and donkeys carry jars of it for sale. Flea-catching 
in the sun is a fairly general amusement, and a good 
deal of shopping is done by means of string and 
baskets from the top-floor flats. The cathedral, of 
course, is very fine, but too much of a show-place to 
be inspiring. Cervantes, the author of Don Quixote 
(please excuse my presumption of your forgetful- 
ness), lived in a tumble-down dwelling here for some 
years, and in pointing out a well that was reputed to 
be over a thousand years old the guide called the 
witness of certain cuts in the stone made by the 
well-rope. As he had taught himself English, and 
never been nearer to England than Madrid, I failed 



TOLEDO AND MADRID 189 

to convince him that the tow-ropes of canal-barges 
only take about ten years to ruin the angle of a 
stone bridge by the same kind of fretting. Not that 
I disbelieved him so much as that I wished to im- 
press him. 

While on the subject of guides, it is not every one 
that is as talented as our friend here. I remember 
one gentleman who attached himself to us at 
Syracuse some years ago, asking me if I cared 
for duck-shooting. When I answered that there was 
nothing in the world more dear to me, he produced 
a carefully preserved testimonial and told me he 
was the greatest authority in all Sicily on the sub- 
ject. He insisted on my reading the document, and 
kept his mouth open and his eyes glued on me 
as I complied. It was written on man-of-war note- 
paper signed by three officers, and the words inside 
were : " This idiot considers three coots and one 
moorhen a good day's duck-shooting." I kept my 
face, gravely folded it up, and told him I was inex- 
pressibly grieved to say we were leaving for the 
Balearic Islands that evening, and so were unable to 
take advantage of the good fortune. 

Most guides seem to go in for shooting of a sort ; 
I expect really it is because they are all things to all 
men. Our self-taught companion here had a real 
Irish setter, which came down to the station with 
him to see us off, and when I inquired what it was in 
the habit of setting, he told me that quail and part- 



i 9 o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

ridges abounded, and that he — like an Englishman — 
could shoot flying. I have a great opinion of" Mr. 
Cook " at Toledo. 

The hotel was very English, and took in The Times 
and Daily Mail. It also produced tea and whisky at 
tea-time — things we had not seen for some weeks — 
but when we had tasted them we ceased to regret 
our deprivation. Bad tea and goat's milk is never 
very attractive, but the whisky — I forget the name, 
but there was a picture of a braw Highlander on the 
label — was surely a remnant of a brand plucked 
from the burning of some long-forgotten atito-da-fe'. 
No wonder whisky is not appreciated abroad, though 
I doubt if this was really much worse than the 
ordinary public-house stuff at home. And this re- 
minds me that at Madrid, possibly in honour of its 
English visitors, we were treated at dinner to rosbif a 
VAnglaise. Its toughness and colour were so appal- 
ling — I failed to get as far as its flavour — that I had 
to tell the charming and courteous manager of the 
hotel that the Anglo-Spanish entente cordiale would 
be ruined entirely by the mutual distrust engendered 
by such a libellous description of such an anomalous 
animal. I should like to bring this sort of inter- 
national crimes to the notice of the next Hague 
Conference, and so clear the air for the more complete 
inter-mutual understanding of the nations. 

It was a blue, but intensely cold day we spent at 
Toledo, and when in the afternoon the cutting wind 




The Puerta del Sol, Toledo 



TOLEDO AND MADRID 193 

dropped I loafed on to one of the big Moorish 
bridges that are the most striking feature of the 
town. The swallows were busy building under the 
big arch of the Alcantara — wise birds to know one 
place where they would be quite safe — and on the 
still, deep waters below I watched a fisherman. His 
boat was of the most amateur description and shape, 
and he stood on the thwart at one end, scientifically 
whirling the net round his head before he cast it 
wide. And what is more, he caught fish — big ones 
— I don't know of what kind, though they looked 
like trout of a couple of pounds or so. Several 
hundred other folk were eating oranges and watching 
him, but of the continuous rain of orange-peel and 
expectorated pulp on his head he took no notice 
whatever, and as he caught the fish he put them in 
the six inches of muddy water that swashed about in 
the bottom of the boat, and resumed his labour in 
the most nonchalant manner. The stolid, unexcit- 
able nature (under some circumstances) of a Spanish 
crowd is very different from that of an English one. 
I remember once in the blackest part of the West 
Riding (Mexbro', I think it was) listening to the re- 
marks of a crowd looking over a bridge at two men 
who were dragging the canal below for a missing 
bottle-maker. You would not think that so much 
delicate humour and wit could have been found in all 
Yorkshire as that which exuded from the compara- 
tively small crowd, and when at last the persevering 



o 



i 9 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

trawlers brought up a dead dog tied to a large stone, 
the refined sarcasms that rewarded their best endea- 
vour had the effect of the entire abandonment of 
further inquiries in the direction of a mud-and- 
watery grave. 

I was dragged away from my contemplations by 
our art photographers, who had used up nearly all 
their plates and wanted to get home. The railway 
journey was very wearisome, and it was quite dark 
when we got to Madrid again. 

We had heard and read a great deal how terribly 
fond the Madrilenes are of the drama, and how 
critical an audience they are. So, after dinner, we 
went to one of the many theatres and saw a vaude- 
ville. I am glad to say, though I have witnessed a 
good deal of rotten stuff (including American impor- 
tations) in my time both in London and elsewhere, I 
have never had the bad luck to come across any- 
thing quite as poor as this. The huge theatre was 
crammed, every sally and antic caused roars of 
laughter, and undoubtedly the piece was an enor- 
mous popular success. I tried to get hold of the 
argument, but failed miserably. There was a fat, 
humorous man with a red tie, whose chef-d'ccuvre 
was dropping his cigarette on his toe and kicking at 
it. I think he was supposed to be a rich and eligible 
parti. His father-in-law wore a yachting-cap all the 
time — it is extraordinary how popular this style is 
in Spain — and the walking gentleman (with a mous- 



TOLEDO AND MADRID 195 

tachc) was a young lover, and (without a moustache) 
was a waiter. There were also four fearful-looking 
females, who sang in unison songs stolen from the 
States, and about twenty supers and extra ladies 
and gentlemen, evidently chosen at random from 
the street. The scenes took us to San Sebastian, a 
country house, and the Alhambra. Costumes, time 
of day, and everything else altered, but one charac- 
teristic was common to every male performer and to 
all acts — they all wore red socks. We puzzled over 
this a great deal, but could not make it out — it was 
not the usual habit in the Spain we had seen — and 
not until the last act were our eyes opened, for the 
scene was then at a fancy ball, and all the men wore 
red tights. I am afraid I cannot give much of the 
plot, as the waits were so long that the hero, who 
had started the evening clean-shaven, was heavily 
bearded before he finally received the permission of 
the yachting-capped parent to marry the heroine (in 
white boots and black stockings), and the aforesaid 
funny man (in some one else's uniform) paired off 
with one of the Spanish equivalents to a Gibson girl. 
I forgot to mention that there was a detective who 
always got a roar by wiping his hat with his handker- 
chief to show how hard his brain was working. We fled 
several hours before the advertised end of the show. 
I think the only persons we saw the worse for 
liquor in Spain were two mechanics, who dropped 
into one of the smartest cafes in! the principal street 



196 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

of Madrid about twelve o'clock one night. We had 
just come away from the theatre, and were engaged 
in discussing the above-mentioned plot. The place 
was very long and empty, and the two adventurers 
of course went to the inner end of it for seats. 
I noticed a council of war among the gargons, and at 
last one of them put a fresh toothpick in his mouth 
and approached them. Dazed with light and look- 
ing-glasses they had some difficulty in making out 
where he was and more in what he wanted. He 
argued, expostulated and gesticulated, but they only 
smiled, and ordered their usual beverage. He rushed 
away and brought back a price-list to frighten them 
with enormous charges. But they only smiled the 
more, and one of them went to sleep. Then more 
waiters came to the rescue, and the one that was not 
asleep began to grasp the situation and rose to 
depart. His exit was after the manner of modern 
infantry, " by short rushes," and he clasped every 
gilded pillar and marble table as he came to them. 
Then he leaned against the glass door, which flew 
open and deposited him in the street. After a care- 
ful reconnaissance by the waiters they boldly attacked 
the sleeping partner, and their behaviour, after they 
had left him also out in the Alcalda, was as that of 
troops home-coming after a long and fearful war. 
" Chucker-outs " do not seem to exist in Spain — per- 
haps the knife habit helps to make the profession an 
unpopular one. 



TOLEDO AND MADRID 197 

Cinematographs appear to be the other diversion 
of this pleasure-loving folk. The night before we 
had mingled with an enormous throng and been 
floated in with the human tide to another large hall. 
Though no smoking was allowed (a considerable 
deprivation to a Spaniard), in less than five minutes 
from the door's opening there was not even standing 
room at the back. The lights were lowered, and a 
mighty hush fell on all. A particularly blinky film 
of " Beauty and the Beast " appeared and flickered 
on for ten minutes. Then a faked representation of 
a comic magician took up the running — and we 
went. There are certainly some things we order 
better in England, though they are usually the last 
things we are proud of. 



CHAPTER VIII 
THE ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 

The fountain in the desert, 

The cistern in the waste, 
The bread we ate in secret, 

The cup we spilled in haste ! 

Song of Diego I 'aldcz 

WE left Madrid about midday. It had been 
our intention — as it always was — to get off 
early, and we were called at an unearthly hour for 
that purpose, but one thing and another kept on 
popping up and detaining the start. The road before 
us to Valladolid and Biarritz is the best-known and 
the best-kept in Spain. There is — or should be — no 
mistaking the way, and once more we looked forward 
to getting ordinary pace out of the Daimler. 
Though Madrid was full of cars, we came across no 
other English ones, nor could I hear at the garage — 
how very expensive Spanish garages are ! — that an 
English-made motor had ever been that way. But 
doubtless I shall be corrected over this assertion. 

No one ever seems to go the direct route to France 
from Madrid, as the better road by far is the one that 
goes first to the Escorial, about thirty miles to the 

198 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 199 

north-west, and then turns cast for another dozen 
before it cuts into the direct international highway. 
Though far from being perfect as to surface, in width 
and engineering this Escorial road is a grand one. 
About five miles from the capital it begins to rise, and 
a gradual slope takes one up all the way twelve 
hundred feet to the huge building that stands above 
Madrid. The country on either side is barren and for- 
bidding, almost without form and void, and certainly 
with very little in the way of inhabitants. The road- 
men prepare to salute any big car that comes along in 
case the goggled driver may be the popular King, 
and once clear of Madrid, about the only impedi- 
ments to speed are the big-horned goats that seem 
to inhabit the barest portions of the highway. On 
reaching Escorial we bought some lunch at a fearful 
price— our own fault— at a hotel that appears to 
exist only for the fleecing of visitors, and we took it 
on with us, having no time left to inspect one of the 
most marvellous blocks of masonry in the world. 
It lies— a memorial of Philip II— carved, as it were, 
out of the big mountains that guard it from the west 
and north, and the mind must have something to 
compare it with before its enormous size can be 
realised to the full. The front looks over the sterile 
plain across to Madrid, while the old woods around, 
that give a Scotch aspect to the pile, seem in com- 
parison to be but a low plantation of young trees. 
Within its gloomy interior lie the dead royalties of 



200 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

Spain, and the long torch-lit night processions that 
used to accompany the dead kings across the barren 
waste to their last home must indeed have made 
a picture wanting in no detail of Pomp and Circum- 
stance. 

After this we ran to the right and, as usual, over- 
shot the proper turn. Consequently a level crossing 
that was not on our map, a jagged road, and deep 
snow ahead, were obstacles that made even Jehu 
call a halt. A friendly peasant pointed out far 
behind us a twisting thread up the mountain-side 
as the correct way to France, and back we had to 
come. Then began a climb of another two thousand 
feet above the three thousand we were at. We 
lunched among the sounds of trickling rills of ice- 
cold water just below the snow-line. The view was 
marvellous, though — like all scenery that does not 
include the sea — a trifle monotonous. Madrid, 
thirty-five miles away, seemed to be at our feet, and 
the cliffs of Toledo, forty miles beyond that, were 
by no means the last range within our view. 
On either side the Guadarramas stretched along, 
huge, high, and white with snow. When we had 
devoured the prospect and some uncooked pig the 
Artist had raised, we ran up the remaining few turns 
on the southern side of the mountains, and soon 
were at the great stone lion that Isabella and Ferdi- 
nand put here in the fifteenth century to commemo- 
rate the making of the road. There was a cart with 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 201 

;i team of four mules and two oxen at the top with 
us, and it appeared to be the correct thing to sign 
our names in an automobile visitors' book that the 
dear old lady at the rest-house kept. Then one 
minute to say farewell to New Castile — we had 
taken our leave of the Sunny South far away and 
long ago on the top of the Valencian hills — and 
we were off again to Old Castile and the climate we 
had left behind us at Avignon. 

We twisted and slid down the white northern side 
of the mountain amid forests of pines and a foot of 
crackling, frozen snow, the bugle making wonderful 
echoes from wood and precipice. The road curved 
and dipped till below the snow-line, and then lay 
straight along the plain for Valladolid. The scenery 
we passed through was extraordinary, like some parts 
of Inverness, and, almost without knowing it, the 
Artist began to talk of two rights-and-lefts he made 
last year in Scotland at stags, and some markhor he 
slew in the Nilghiri Hills during the Durbar. But 
an interlude of a village and some barking dogs 
mercifully turned the current of his thoughts, and he 
right royally smacked the first one round the ribs. 
For about another ten miles the country looked like 
a battleground of the gods. The open, undulating 
plain, sometimes cracking into rocky chasms and 
enormous moraines, lay covered with huge, round 
boulders spilled fantastically in all directions, and 
ranging in size from hayricks to arm-chairs. In 



202 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

some places human hands had arranged the smaller 
ones into shelters, or placed crosses on the top of the 
larger. But, as a rule, only the presence of the road 
altered the scene from what it probably was ten 
thousand years ago, and will be when mankind has 
come to an end. At one place a deep rift causes 
the highway to make two abrupt turns, and if Jehu 
had not been the expert he is, our monuments would 
have been the everlasting boulders that line the 
bottom of that abyss. 

After this, for leagues we ran along a forbidding 
high land with Cyclopean walls and barren pastures, 
very much like the top of the Somerset Mendips in 
the winter. We were glad when the sun once more got 
above the Guadarrama mountains, and even more 
so when the wind dropped. After about forty miles 
of this a puncture amid a terra-cotta landscape kept 
us a little while, and enabled us to have a chat with 
the sturdy peasants who fight for life in these inhos- 
pitable regions. Distances are so great that most 
of them ride inquisitive donkeys everywhere, and 
we were much amused when Jehu, weary of the too 
close attentions of the onlookers, turned round sharply 
and nearly kissed an inquiring ass that was wonder- 
ing if pneumatics were good to eat. The Artist 
was very pleased with this rest, because two pictur- 
esque beggars came up and whined to him. With 
all quaint old tatterdemalions that ever came out of 
song or story, this pair could have held their own. 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 203 

One of them was very like old Pew — poor old Pew 
in Treasure Island— and the gift of three coppers 
seemed to make the two at first very content. But 
as they walked away the division of the odd coin 




They neatly came lo blows on ihe subject 

caused a quarrel, and we watched them nearly come 
to blows on the subject. Talking of beggars, except 
in Madrid they are rare, and one can meet more of 
them in a mile on any English high road than in a 
month of Spain. 

The peasants, who left their work to inspect us, 



2o 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

were very chatty, full of vague information, delighted 
to be of any use, and quite sorry when we wished 
them " Con Dios," which remark these folks say as if 
they meant it. The sun had gone down, but a nearly 
full moon was silvering up the eastern end of the 
mountains we were leaving behind. The road, 
splendid only when compared with the rest of Spain, 
broad and white, stretched like a ribbon before us 
across hill and dale, with the North Star hanging 
above it and over our goal. We ran, going as if the 
car was glad to be able to move again, through 
many villages where the wood-smoke of the cottage 
fires joined with the evening mist and lay like a 
cloth in their dipping valleys. Here and there the 
road twisted across some river-scored gully, but soon 
on again for miles and miles across the weary plain. 
Once in the moonlight we came past an old Roman 
town, whose broken walls looked down on us as we 
hummed by. Some other day I am coming back 
here to correct my impressions, but it will have to 
be warmer weather, and when the arid land has 
hidden its nakedness with its crops. So, steer- 
ing still on to the North Star, about eight in the 
evening we came near to Valladolid. And within a 
mile of badly-wanted dinner the petrol tank ran dry, 
and for the first time since Boulogne we made use 
of the supply in the spare tank. This necessitated 
taking off the baggage, holding the bloated tin up 
at an absurd angle, and making a shot at the usual 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 205 

entrance to the reservoir. And (need I say?) we had 
to do it in the dark. But it gave Our Artist a chance 
of using some low Andalusian language he had 
never, as yet, had a chance of throwing off. Ami 
so we came to Valladolid. 

Once upon a time Valladolid was a great and 
capital city, but now it is not very interesting. 
There are old buildings in plenty, but more new 
ones. We created a record by driving in error down 
an asphalt walk in the park that is only used by 
pedestrians, and then got comfortable quarters and 
good food at the Hotel Siglo. We filled up with 
petrol at quite an ordinary rate next morning, and 
Jarge nearly fell into a deep pit in the Plaza while 
walking backwards to get a photograph of the statue 
that stands in the middle of it. I was struck by the 
enormous number of fir-cones sold for firing here, 
and the Artist by a delightful bargaining scene 
between a pretty nun and a very plain fish-wife. 
Jehu took a little ride in a mule tramcar for a change, 
but beyond these things there is little to record. We 
left next morning for Burgos, along a very deteriorated 
road, which we thanked Heaven we had daylight to 
pick our path in. Our way now lay over a country 
which can only be compared to the derelict bottom 
of an empty Dead Sea. Not a blade of green to be 
seen, nor even a tree, save on the stony banks of the 
river Pisuerga. The wretched villages we passed 
seemed to shrink into the ground at our approach, 



206 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

until we found out that most of the houses were 
cave-dwellings, with only a door and a chimney. 




Marketing at Valladolid 

One place, that owned a beautiful blue-tiled church 
tower surrounded by a cluster of roofs, melted into 
the landscape inside a hill with a summit like a forti- 
fied volcano or a mandarin's hat. We stopped to 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 207 

sketch and photograph this natural curiosity, and the 
Artist promptly lost himself. I nearly bugled myself 
silly trying to call him hack, and then we found him, 
busily drawing, round the corner. The next village 
was Torquemada — where the great Inquisitor came 
from — and here all the female inhabitants, to the 
number of some hundreds, were washing clothes in 
the Grand Castile Canal that runs by the road and is 
supposed to irrigate the whole of this khaki-coloured 
country. Then, just past Quintana, a tube nipped, 
and we were delayed once more. The Artist went 
back into the jaws of the many dogs we had smitten, 
and returned with about fort)' children, the usual 
sausage, a loaf of brick-like bread, and some Cornish 
pilchards. Jehu produced his emergency ration, and, 
after the tyre was made good again, we lunched. 
While we were waiting for the food a man rode up 
and produced two live kids out of his saddle-bags, 
explaining that he had seen motors before, and 
thought we might possibly require some meat before 
we were ready to proceed. Also two folks on one 
ass caught us up and smiled in pride at their superior 
pace. 

Owing to our late start it was evening when we 
reached Burgos — perhaps the most lovely town of all 
we saw in Spain, though of an entirely different style 
from the seaboard cities. The big square is perfect of 
its kind, clean and cloistered, and down on it look 
the perforated spires of the cathedral, while a castle- 



2o8 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

crowned hill towers above all. We took rooms at the 
Hotel de Paris, but when we discovered that the 
feeding there was about double the price we had paid 
almost anywhere since we left Boulogne, we left it 
and dined at the Hotel Universal. 

Nearly three thousand feet above the sea, the air 
here was delightful, and our after-dinner stroll a thing 




Con Dios " 



to be remembered. The splendid old gates by the 
river, overburdened as they are with statuary, seemed 
in the moonlight to be one with the white Gothic pile 
behind them, while every house looked full of 
romance, and the enormous steps all round the 
cathedral almost too wonderful to be real. Our only 
source of annoyance was the crowd of small boys 
who followed us clamouring for coppers. These 
became such a nuisance that we were forced to draw 
our knives and rush after them, shrieking awful 



I 



1 



4 







m 







- 



.*<* 



IN Till SHADOW 01 IMI CATHEDRA 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 209 

things. This had the desired effect, for though they 
must have put us down as entirely mad, we never saw 
a single one of them again. 

The Artist and I visited the cathedral again early 
next morning, this time in a more sedate and fitting 
manner. I do not suppose there is in all the world 
a more beautiful building or one with more ex- 
quisite contents. Even my companion, who votes 
a thing dull unless he can see the humorous side of 
it, was in raptures at the delicacy of the carved 
work, the perfection of its proportions, and the 
marvellous purity of the whole. I do not profess to 
be an expert in such matters, and though the differ- 
ence between styles is as much as I can manage to 
be sure of, I know that it needs no connoisseur to 
declare at Burgos that here at least man cannot im- 
prove on the shrine his forefathers have raised to the 
glory of their God. The contents of the cathedral 
are worthy of their setting — marble figures, elegant 
tracery, and noble flights of steps, all are unique of 
their kind — yet so ideal is the whole that no one 
thing ever detracts from the other, which I believe 
to be the truest index to the most perfect taste. 
And clean, cold, bright Burgos is almost prouder of 
being the birth and burial place of the famous Cid 
even than of the cathedral, so between the two I 
expect the hotels and guides do very well. 

We had lingered longer in Spain than our 
original intention had been, and, owing entirely to 
p 



210 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the condition of the roads (as I have before men- 
tioned) were days behind our scheduled time. So 
we thought to push on that day to Bilbao and ship 
the car and some of ourselves thence to England. 
The fact of our spare tyres having gone to a place 
entirely different from the one they were intended to 
reach, caused this alteration in our plans, and a burst 
about twenty miles out strengthened our resolve and 
introduced us to some merry Castilian shepherd 
boys, who dropped off mountain-tops to see who it 
was invading their fastnesses. When we got going 
again, the road was one long slope down to ordinary 
altitudes once more. And then we struck Pancorbo, 
a far-famed and much-advertised cleft in the moun- 
tains. If I did not know England I might have 
been as impressed as most writers seem to be, but 
I fear we all considered them, fine as they are — 
though spanned across the most impressive part 
from tunnel to tunnel by a big railway arch — not 
nearly as grand as the Cheddar Gorge in my own 
native Somerset. Pancorbo has the advantage in 
fewer excursionists and no tea-gardens, but Cheddar 
gains points by its perpendicular, ivy-clad cliffs and 
the lofty pinnacles of rocks, where the tiny jackdaws 
wheel " and the breeding kestrels cry." I am sorry 
to have to destroy so many illusions, but I like my 
own land to score all the honours it can when it 
holds them. Then we got to Miranda, where Jarge 
and I left the car and took train to Biarritz in order 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 211 

to send our surplus baggage, waiting at the frontier, 
to Jehu and the Artist at Bilbao, We just caught 
the Sud express going north, dined on hoard, got 
charged double for our tickets as we came on with- 
out them, fought with a Spaniard who would not 
allow the windows to be opened, made it up again, 
narrowly escaped being kissed by him, and finally 
slept at Irun in the tiniest and cheapest hotel we lay 
at in all our long trip. A bantam cock crowed in- 
cessantly within four feet of our window, and we 
rose early. But, after collecting all the baggage, the 
thought struck us that the train was a poor method 
for motorists to cross the frontier, so we chartered 
a weird-looking pair-horse vehicle and solemnly 
drove past the neutral He de Faisans and over the 
Bidassoa into France at Ilendaye, where we lunched. 
Then a weary, slow train the few miles to Biarritz, 
where the third Good Samaritan took us under his 
wing, and we thought at last we were at rest. 

I said " thought," because no sooner had we washed 
and put on clean garments than a telegram came 
from Jehu to say that ships home were " off," and that 
he and the Artist were coming along the coast by 
San Sebastian and, with luck, would join us at 
Biarritz the next morning. Which they did. The 
following description of what (in spite of the extra- 
ordinary language it is couched in, owing to the 
inexperience of one who is more talented in his 
tongue than his pen, and his pencil than either) must 



212 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

have been a wonderfully picturesque and thrilling 
run, is by the Artist, and I must ask all critics who 
come fresh from my superior and more Attic style 
to be lenient with it, more especially as he has sworn 
(in four languages) that he will be asterisked if he 
ever does so again. And this is what he says : — 

Jarge and the scribe having crammed their belong- 
ings into one very small handbag and one very large 
and disreputable rush sack, boarded the train at 
Miranda, not deigning to bother about tickets ; but 
that was their affair. The subsequent explanations 
to the guard, from Jarge's confession afterwards, will 
become legendary among the officials of the line. 
I may explain that Jarge isn't a linguist, and the 
scribe once took a prize in French, not for the correct- 
ness of his translation, but because of the ingenuity 
he displayed in the invention of new words. After 
waving farewell to them, Jehu and I shifted the re- 
maining cargo on the car, getting the weight as far 
forward as possible, the wrenching the back tyres 
had undergone making it necessary to take as much 
strain off them as possible. If my impressions of 
this part of the journey suggest an entire freedom 
from all worries on the score of breakdowns, over- 
heating, tyre trouble, and the rest, it must be put 
down to the absence of the scribe. Lest I should 
be misunderstood, let me state that he is well over 
six feet two, very broad in proportion and, although 
he denies it, much too fat. 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 213 

For thirty days we had sat in the same scat with 
a pile of cameras, slide-cases, spare tubes, and 
Heaven knows what beside erected between us only 
to be shot over me, being small, every time he leapt 
up to smite some unwary dog. Now, for the first 
time, I was able to stretch a leg out without causing 
him to lift up his voice like the bear in the fable. 
Now I was in undisputed possession of the whip, 
but alas ! the supply of dogs failed, although I made 
beautiful practice on the (e\v that came within reach. 
It was dark when we arrived at Bilbao, so we had not 
time to select an hotel, but took the first one recom- 
mended by a passer-by. 

They spoke English there ; as a consequence the 
cooking was bad, and the prices about twice as much 
as we had ever paid since leaving Boulogne. Our 
troubles began when we started to find a shipping 
agent ; it was impossible to ship a car to England 
unless we first of all got into the good graces of 
a tramp captain, who might allow us to encumber 
his deck with a huge case in which we must secure 
the Daimler, also he would take no risks, also he 
would charge a ruinous sum, and lastly, I think, 
Sunderland was the only port he would land it at, 
the only trade of Bilbao, as far as we could make 
out, being in rails from the North of England. 

Furthermore, having brought the car into Spain 
by land, it was necessary to take it out again in the 
same way, if we wanted tu recover the sixty-nine 



2i 4 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

pounds we had deposited on the frontier without 
endless formalities and delay of months before it 
could be settled. Jehu and I held a consultation in 




A little trouble at Bilbao 



the open street, at least Jehu thought while I watched 
a most satisfactory squabble between a policeman 
and a Basque fish lady possessing a fine gift of 
language. We decided to chance the tyres giving 
out before we got to San Sebastian. It opened up a 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 215 

glorious opportunity of Entering Biarritz in state, 
dust-covered, travel-stained, but triumphant. 

There was nothing to stay for in Bilbao; it may 
be a prosperous place, but if it is so in anything 
like a proper proportion to its ugliness, its wealth 
is enormous. Of the two routes from Bilbao to 
Biarritz the one following the coast was recom- 
mended as the best road, but the southern one 
through Eiban was said to be much more in- 
teresting as well as shorter. The twirl of a peseta 
decided us to try the latter, and once more our 
luck held good, for never have I seen more varied or 
delightful country than that which we passed through 
on that day as soon as we reached the outlying spurs 
of the Pyrenees. Devonshire, Scotland, and Switzer- 
land all seem to have given of their best to this most 
favoured district, while, as far as the surface went, the 
road was by far the best we had travelled on in Spain. 
Except for the continual twisting of the road even 
Jehu had nothing but praise for it. His cup of joy 
was filled and overflowing when we discovered a 
steam roller at work ! Motorists in Spain will under- 
stand the italics but will doubt its being a fact. 

The route is a little obscure some thirty-five miles 
from Bilbao, but a lucky stop at Durango to admire 
the arched market built round the church, and a 
gossip with a priest who knew the roads well, pre- 
vented us from taking the wrong way. About two 
kilometres from the town, by his advice we took an 



216 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

insignificant side road by the railway, which avoided 
the steeper hills and was in first-rate repair. It is 
well that this should be put on record, as it was the 
only time that any information concerning Spanish 
roads turned out to be correct. Had we had time we 
would have lingered in many of the villages, but 
night was coming on and it was still a far cry to 
San Sebastian. The road also began to exhibit a 
few tricks of its own ; if it was not dodging round 
a corner on the coast, every hundred yards it was 
playing a game of cat's cradle with the railway, with 
about half a dozen level crossings to the mile. Luckily 
all these, as well as the worst bends, were well marked 
by danger boards, but even so we had one narrow 
shave, overrunning the notice of a crossing at a very 
bad turn in the dusk, and pulling up within a foot of 
the shut gates just as a goods train went by. We 
treated the next few notices with great respect. We 
should have been wiser to have stayed at San Sebas- 
tian, it looked a veritable dream city in the moonlight ; 
but there was just time to get across the frontier be- 
fore the Customs officials locked up the cash-box we 
had designs upon. Moreover, it was my turn to go 
on the sick list, and I was developing a chill that re- 
duced a fairly useful voice to a scarcely audible 
squeak ; so on to Irun, to the office of a most worthy 
Customs agent, Echandia by name ; but when it came 
to the papers — they were not. Jarge had been the 
rock on which we had built. All documents had been 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 217 

confided to him, and he was in all probability enjoy- 
ing himself in nice clean clothes without a care on 
his mind. There was nothing for it but to wire him 
to come back with the papers in the morning, unless 
we would forego all dues deposited both in France 
and Spain. 

After so doing we betook ourselves sadly to what 
we were assured was the best hotel in I run — for 
I run's good name I congratulate it on having com- 
menced a new one. For the first time, we agreed 
with the guide-book's description of Spanish hotels. 
Apparently there was only one person in charge — a 
slipshod chambermaid, as jolly as an Irish girl, whose 
name for once was not Mercedes ; she seemed to 
combine the offices of manageress, waitress, cook, 
and hall-porter. Not a word of French did she 
know, although she lived within half a mile of the 
frontier. When she got any rest I don't know, long 
after midnight I could hear a party of revellers 
calling for Maria or Lola, or whatever her name 
was, to bring more wine, and at four in the morning 
she brought a nondescript gentleman into my room 
and commenced a long consultation as to how they 
were going to get a car out of the coach-house, our 
Daimler apparently blocking the way. I would have 
sworn cheerfully had I had any voice to make 
myself heard, as I strongly disapproved of the 
gentleman sitting on the foot of my bed and smok- 
ing cigarettes, but a well-directed kick explained my 



218 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

views. However, there was no help for it, so Jehu 
and I, clad in pyjamas and overcoats, backed the car 
into the street and rehoused her after my visitor had 
taken his car away. From that time numberless 
people demanded coffee or chocolate, which Maria 
attended to, but she appeared quite cheerful when 
we descended at 7 a.m. Targe arrived from Biarritz 
with the coffee, and was greatly struck with the 
general appointments of our hotel. He and the 
scribe, it appears, had so differed with the authorities 
on the question of baggage, that they had had to 
remain at Irun for a night, and their hotel was 
beyond even the scribe's powers of description. 
With our papers in order we advanced to the attack 
on the Spanish Customs House, having been warned 
by Sefior Echandia that they would refuse to refund 
the money unless we were firm. Two short gentle- 
men in charge signed our papers and told us that 
we should have to collect the money deposited at 
Perthus, where we entered the country at the other 
end of the Pyrenees. I countered with the fact that 
I had warned them from Madrid to have the money 
ready for us a week ago. This they admitted, but 
said it was not the custom. I advanced the sugges- 
tion that if they declined to pay their names should 
be forwarded by me to some August Being, unnamed, 
at Madrid. Thereupon they retired, weakly pro- 
testing that it was quite irregular, but shelling out 
the money and asking me to bear witness that no- 



ROAD OF THE NORTH STAR 219 

thing had been deducted on account of the rate of 
exchange. I assured them that never would I forget 
it, so in triumph we crossed the frontier to be wel- 
comed by our smiling companions who had gone 
before. 




A roadside sketch 



CHAPTER IX 
ON BIARRITZ 

I SUPPOSE that all through one's life disillusion- 
ments occur. And I use the word "disillusion- 
ments" in a more general sense than its usual one. 
Ever since the start of our journey Biarritz had been 
one of the places that no bad roads, torn tyres, 
floods, or snow-drifts were going to deprive us of. 
I had pictured it as something after the style of the 
Riviera — though I must say that one of the scenes 
of the " Toreador " at the Gaiety had a good deal to 
do with my imagination. If I remember the play 
aright, through the wide-open hotel doors lay the 
blue sea, with a bluer sky overhead and mountains 
rearing aloft their snow-capped peaks in the back- 
ground. Exquisitely dressed females walked in and 
out, and now and then a short -skirted senorita, 
yellow-gowned, with roses in her lustrous black hair, 
took the centre of the stage and sang songs of the 

type of- off to Espafia 

To-day or Manana, 

and all the visitors and waiters and bathing machine 
proprietors and porters came in at the right time and 

220 



ON BIARRITZ 221 

helped the chorus out with the refrain. But Biarritz 
was in >t a bit like that. 

I remarked that Jarge and I came by train. About 
two stations away — I think it was called S. Jean de 
Luz — my thoughts flew with a sudden jerk back to 
the dear old homeland, for just outside our window 
was a tailor-made, check-dressed suffragette style 
of a woman talking such pure Dog-French to a 
smiling Basque, that even I could follow her mean- 
ing to its innermost (translated) idiom. Something 
evidently had not turned up as it should, and I think 
it was a bag of golf-clubs, because though I could 
understand what she was driving at the blue-smocked 
garqon could do no more than smile and shrug his 
shoulders. Fancy having to describe golf-clubs to 
an alien out-porter ! And then more English came 
on the scene and we left them at it and looked out 
of the window at the Norfolk-like scenery on each 
side of the line. We could not make out at first 
what made it so home-like till Jarge suddenly real- 
ised it must be the hedges. And that is, perhaps, 
the reason why that part of France is so popular 
with the English. And then we got to Biarritz, 
piled our shameful belongings — grass-tied, dusty, and 
burst— on the top of the smart Continental Hotel 
'bus, and rolled and bumped the long dusty road 
down into the " Cove of Monarchs." 

The first thing that strikes one at Biarritz is the 
tininess of it all. Whereas on the Riviera the villas 



222 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

and hotels and towns seem to stretch on for ever, 
here much less than a mile of coast includes the lot. 
There is the little bay with little rocks in it and the 
little promenade that bounds it. And there is the 
little street of shops — though the prices are not little 
— the little jetty, the little bathing coves and the little 
harbour. The hotels are big enough, and perhaps it 
is the littleness of their setting that makes them 
seem bigger than ever. Some of the biggest were 
not even open — being kept for the summer season 
when the scorched-out Spaniards come to bathe and 
gamble here. And talking of gambling, even the 
Casino is on the little side, though plenty big enough 
for the folk who patronise most of its attractions. 
The Good Samaritan who looked after us at Biarritz 
introduced us to its delights, and because I am afraid 
he is one of those people to whom music is only an 
attraction when there is nothing else moving, I got 
the information from some one else that the string 
band here beats even the Monte Carlo orchestra, and 
— during the short time I was allowed to sit and 
listen to it and watch the frantic gestures of its 
leader — I can quite believe it. But it must be very 
disheartening to the performers to watch nine-tenths 
of the visitors walking straight through to the Salles 
de Jeu, and giving the most divine waltzes the same 
attention as the barrel-organ outside gets. They play 
petits chevaux in one of the rooms and — though 
perhaps in the summer it may be crowded— the 



ON BIARRITZ 



223 



silence and solemnity of the table is quite awe- 
inspiring. It may be that one or two groups of 
people may be talking in hushed whispers in the 




t^rtC *'" 



The Scribe wastes his substance at pet its chevaux 

corners. There will be three fearfully respectable 
croupiers, sitting in their appointed places about the 
little race-course. In comes one who desires to 
gamble. As a rule his next move is to go out again. 
But if he does not he places his five-franc piece on the 



224 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

ruled cloth. Like the time-stained priests of some 
moss-grown religion one croupier turns a starting 
handle and the little horses whiz around, another 
croupier says words that originally meant something, 
and the third — after the last horse has stopped — ■ 
mechanically scoops up the staked coin, or, improb- 
ably, adds a little pile to it and the silence falls 
once more. Perhaps this bold bearding of the lion in 
its den may be the means of starting two or three 
more to try their luck, but, afternoon or evening, 
during the few days we were at Biarritz, I never saw 
in this room anything but this sort of spasmodic 
gambling. The only time that there ever seems to 
be a crowd is when the pretty little theatre turns out 
its audience between the acts, and then there is what 
is usually described as " a gay scene." But let us 
investigate further. At the door of the bacarat (one 
C) room two men sit at a table with a most serious 
aspect, and before you may enter it is necessary to 
be proposed by one of them, seconded by another, 
and sign your name. With half - humorous, 
bitter-sweet memories of similar processes in the 
old days of Corinthian and Alsatian Gardenias, we 
underwent the necessary formalities and entered the 
Salon. 

One of the biggest differences between Biarritz and 
Monte Carlo is the nature of their respective habitues. 

Biarritz will never become the attraction to sensa- 
tional novelists that the South of France is, because 



ON BIARRITZ 



225 



the element of mystery does not inhabit it at all. If 
a pretty or well-dressed woman comes into the room 
or walks clown the street, everybody knows who she 
is, where she is staying, and all about her. If one 
asks in awe-struck whisper who that melancholy, 
mysterious, distinguished-looking foreigner is, you are 
sure to be told that he is a very good chap and + 2 




A sketch at the Casino 

at the golf club. If Major McGrouse wins a hun- 
dred louis, no one will shoot himself, and all Biarritz 
will know who came to the dinner to celebrate this 
alteration in his luck. 

The croupiers alone strike the note of profession- 
alism, though I think that even their countenances 
have not quite so much of the " repose of the dead" 
appearance, their voices are less metallic, and they 
behave a little less automatically than their more 
Q 



226 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

numerous confreres in the Principality. The fat one 
at the centre table becomes quite genial at times. 

If you go into the rooms at Monte Carlo with your 
trousers turned up— I believe my tailor cuts mine 
with that intention— you are cast out as if you were 
garbed in knickerbockers or flannels ; but at Biarritz 
the correct thing in the afternoon is to stroll in hob- 
nailed and homespun, while hats or caps of all sorts 




At the Casino 

and sizes are not only quite the "sneeze" but worn 
all the time. And here I (as a motorist without 
even a Homburg) protest, for about ten o'clock — 
after the dinner parties are over, when the big room 
fills with exquisitely -dressed pretty women, well- 
groomed Englishmen in dinner coats and black ties, 
sleek Americans (men mostly) and more or less cor- 
rectly costumed other people — in come dirty-nailed, 
unwashen Teutons and such like, dressed as they got 







■;" f ' 



ft 



[/ 



ON BIARRITZ 



22' 



up that morning and probably lay down the night 
before, wearing on their stubbly heads, abominations 
the most elegant <>f which are much-thumbed white 
yachting caps with celluloid peaks. They seem as 
much out of place as a mouse in a bottle of pickled 
walnuts, and as far as appearances go the rooms 




A Teuton 

would not lose anything by their absence. But one 
cannot judge by appearances — especially abroad — 
and I dare say they are millionaires in their own 
country. 

Now, since the French have turned pious and 
abolished gambling and religion from their shores, 
roulette is not allowed to be played in such places as 
these. BacaratjscnA cJicmiii-de-fcr evidently do not 



228 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

come in the same category, but for the occasional and 
elementary punter they are not of the same value. I 
almost think they are dull, and because many others 
hold the same opinion there seems to be rather an 
exodus to San Sebastian, where, across the Spanish 
frontier, all sorts of games are allowed, and such ex- 
traordinary lines of demarcation are not drawn 
between things apparently the same. 

The golf links of Biarritz have two very special 
features. One is the drive over the cliff on the 
shore, and the other is the drive up again. The 
greens looked very good, and the course was very 
crowded with all sorts and conditions of players. 
The day I went round the links was grey and 
cloudy, and from the top the long line of flat, sandy 
coast northward is very like the Dutch shore above 
Scheveningen. Year after year, at the beginning 
of the last century, the English troops used to winter 
and recoup here, and many a moss-grown grave in 
the neighbourhood bears an English inscription. I 
believe they used to come by ship to Bayonne, which 
lies only a few miles from Biarritz, and once upon 
a time was a very famous place indeed. Even now, 
though spoilt by visitors on their afternoon drives, 
it is one of the quaintest looking places we saw, and 
I was glad to learn that the old gate we passed 
through, about to be pulled down for some absurd 
reason, was spared at the intercession of a no less 
popular person in France than our own good King. 



ON BIARRITZ 229 

Because Biarritz begins with a B, it ought to 
apply to itself the " bright, bracing, and breezy" ad- 
jectives of Blackpool, and for those who wish to 
take plenty of exercise and feel fit and well, I can 
imagine no better place. But for a man who does 
not play golf, or motor, or gamble, it must be un- 
commonly dull. No doubt it suits people that the 
Riviera does not, but it is not to be compared with 
the sun-lit, sea-blue, palm-planted, and flower-laden 
paradise that makes the change from foggy England to 
the Cote cFAzur in February such a marvellous delight. 

This part of France seems to produce athletes in 
abundance, especially at golf, as our home players 
know to their sorrow. But their speciality is pclota. 

Now there was a great pclota match advertised at 
the village of Auglet, about half a dozen miles away, 
and of course we had to see the much-talked-of 
national game of the Basques. The players were 
some of the most famous professionals of the art, the 
court one of the best — and there were some subsidiary 
attractions as well. Most of Biarritz, that did not 
play golf or regularly gamble, were there, and it 
seemed that there were nearly as many hand-cameras 
as people. The place being near Spain, the 
players made it a point of honour to be very late in 
starting, but when they got going they made up for 
lost time. Of the six performers, three a side, five 
managed to be fairly punctual, and indulged in a 
preliminary knock-up, while the sixth, a fat man 



2 3 o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

with a sweet smile, changed his garments unblush- 
ingly coram populo at the window of the dressing- 
room, and kept up a running fire of chaff with the 
other players all the time. But they soon had their 
revenge, for the dilatory one seemed to be clean off 
his game when they did make a start, whereupon his 




A pelota player 

captain went for him in three languages, and he 
bucked up to a marvellous extent. Every one 
knows about pelota, or should, so I need not explain 
that it is a sort of glorified hand -fives, played in a 
court like the back wall of a rifle range. But the 
performers were good men, and the amount of pace 
they got on the ball out of their cup-shaped, sickle- 



ON BIARRITZ 231 

like wooden gloves was a thing to be remembered. 
They tell me pcloia players die young, but I expect 
the usual cause of their premature decease is a whang 
on the back of the head from another human cata- 
pult. As long as the players are doing as they 
should, they are not to be distinguished (except by 
their Tam-o'-Shanters) from the ordinary kind of 
English enthusiast at games, but if at any time they 
make a mess of a stroke, their grief is ludicrous in 
the extreme. They smite their breasts, they tear off 
their hats and jump on them, they almost weep, and, 
indeed, give every indication that such an extra- 
ordinary occurrence as this can never have happened 
to them ever before. The nearest piece of simulation 
I can compare it to is the way some cricket profes- 
sionals rub their hands and pretend they have 
smashed their fingers when they happen to miss a 
catch. And the sympathy of the crowds under both 
circumstances amounts to much the same. 

After the match was finished we adjourned to see 
the rest of the fun of the fair. There was a " tir 
aux pigeons" competition going on in a field near 
by, but a young army of gunners all round, waiting 
for any birds that might be missed inside the 
barriers, frightened us away. Then a large tent with 
a notice outside inviting the world at large to try 
their luck at " tir aux lapins," moved ns to see what 
was going on within. 

At first it appeared like the usual English 



232 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

shooting-gallery, with the usual girls serving out 
arms and ammunition. But a closer inspection 
revealed a lop-eared rabbit as the target, and as 
shot after shot either whistled round his lop-ears 
or caused him to jump in anguish, I wondered 
why he did not put an end to the unpleasant 




A fisherman at Biarritz 

situation by walking, Solvitur ambulando — as the 
grammar has it. But one young devil, with a straw 
hat on the back of his head, at about his sixth shot, 
managed to smash his foreleg to such an extent that 
it became apparent the reason of his immobility was 
a string fastening him to a board. Whereat we left, 
with a lower opinion of Basque chivalry than we 
started with. But, after all, I do not know if this is 
much worse than rabbit-coursing as practised on 
Sunday afternoons round London, or many of the 
pastimes of the colliers in the Black Country and 
near Durham. And certainly the doom of the bull 
in the Spanish arena is just as certain, and only the 



ON BIARRITZ 233 

flitter and ostentation raise it above such sordid 
cruelty as this. So who are we to judge? 

The other Biarritz sport is sea-fishing, and is only 
remarkable for the absurd length of the rods used by 
the many anglers. 

Jarge, for family reasons, determined to desert 
us at Biarritz, and seems from all accounts to 
have amused himself but little after our departure. 
Perhaps it would be more correct to say we left 
both Jarge and the Artist behind us, for the Artist's 
month's hard labour had resulted in a fearful cold 
and such almost total loss of voice that he could 
only speak in hushed whispers. This, perhaps, was 
just as well for our reputations, for Spanish roads, 
customs, and almost exclusive male society are apt 
to get one out of practice for the ordinary amenities 
of social existence. Besides, his receptive intellect 
had absorbed a certain amount of the Basque lan- 
guage, the sound of which resembles a Venetian 
blind coming down with a rattle. And also for the 
good reason that one of our back tyres was very 
dicky, and not wishing to put on our remaining new 
cover for a run of less than two hundred miles, we 
came to the conclusion that the less weight on the 
car the better. So it was arranged that he was to 
meet us at Bordeaux with the baggage. Our parting 
with Jarge at the Hotel Continental was quite 
upsetting, but we tore ourselves away at last, and 
Jehu and I soon found ourselves on that very dusty 



234 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

road that leads to Bayonne. The road from here to 
Bordeaux is not the simple route it looks. Several 
experts told us the best way, but their testimony did 
not in the least agree. A gallant Major, who lives 
half his life at Biarritz, advised the road by Dax, 
which is very much the same as if one went from 
London to Portsmouth by way of Brighton. How- 
ever, every one warned us not to go direct, and we 
followed that advice and struck an average route by 
Castets to within twenty kilometres of Bordeaux, 
where we held further council, and finally struck off 
left-handed for twenty miles and then straight to 
Bordeaux. The curse of this part of France is pave, 
though we should have welcomed it in Spain. The 
road we took had little or none for the first fifty 
miles, but then it began, and there was but little else 
all the way till we turned left to Belin. We lunched 
on rather a tough steak and very good omelette and 
eleven sparrows at Labouheyre, where the railway 
crosses the highway. The King of England was 
to pass that day, and though there would be no 
chance of viewing anything more than an ordinary- 
looking train, the whole population was ready to 
greet him. About ten miles before we reached this 
friendly place the pave gave way to a most perfect 
straight, flat road. Poor Jehu had not seen anything 
like it for a month ; the temptation was too great 
and he succumbed. The Daimler too had not had a 
chance of showing her paces for so long that she 



ON BIARRITZ 235 

rejoiced in her strength. The illimitable, vast, mono- 
tonous pine woods on each side hummed to the echo 
of our exhaust ; never had the car seemed to move 
so well, when BANC. ! and Jehu and I had to bend a 
brand-new, stiff 880x120 cover on the back near 
wheel. During my automobilistic existence I have 
put on many covers and done other roadside repairs, 
but this particular accident created a record, for us, 
at any rate, though I have never heard of the same 
thing happening to any one else. There were abso- 
lutely NO spectators. It is true there was not a 
house for several miles, but that is of no account ; as 
a rule on these occasions folk spring out of the 
earth or come off the tops of the mountains. The 
pine trees on each side made a background of a dark 
green twilight. And round the trunk of every one 
of them was a little girdle of earthenware pots to 
catch the turpentine, or whatever they call it, flowing 
from incisions made just above. They looked very 
quaint, as if the fairies were giving a big ball that 
evening, and were illuminating the forest for the 
purpose. I drew a slight picture — by myself — showing 
a section of the landscape, and I do not think there 
would be a more complete piece of nature-study 
in this volume — if they had let me put it in. I 
wanted to examine this interesting feat of arbori- 
culture more closely, but Jehu required me to assist 
him with the tyre, so on him be the blame for this 
meagre description. As we had all day for the per- 



236 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

formance of the last hundred kilometres to Bordeaux 
there was no need to hurry, but when lunch was over 
and we were free from pavf y we let that car go for all 
it was worth on one of the finest roads in France. 
Two thousand miles of France and Spain seemed to 
have improved her, and I really think Jehu enjoyed 
that run more than any since we left Perpignan. 
About ten miles from Bordeaux we got into the land 
of little summer-houses, each called by some quaint, 
endearing epithet as if they were pet dogs. Most of 
them were built exactly alike in shape and appar- 
ently equidistant from each other, giving the district 
the appearance of having been designed for a powder 
factory. I expect these little places are what papers 
of the " Home Blitherings " type would describe as 
" week-end cottages," if they have such things as 
week-ends out of England. I remember the 
woods around Zaandepoort, in Holland, were full 
of much the same sort of places, but then the 
Dutchman is a far more likely type of man to sit 
down in rural solitude and smoke his pipe than the 
lively southerner in the enlightened city of Bordeaux. 
We reached our destination about five o'clock and 
found Our Artist waiting for us at the celebrated 
" Chapon Fin," whereat he had ordered a sumptuous 
repast. As the steamer that was to take us back 
sailed at midnight, it was too late to put the car on 
board that week, and we took it to a garage we had 
been told of, extracted the bugle, whip, and all sorts of 



ON BIARRITZ 237 

odd little things \vc had grown to love and hate, and 
bade it farewell. 

Now as the"Chapon Fin " has the reputation of 
being the centre of eating and drinking in the town 
which boasts of being the hub of the universe, in 
such matters, we were quite surprised that the pro- 
prietor had never heard of Lieutenant -Colonel 
Newnham-Davis. I trust the Colonel has not omitted 
it from his list of restaurants and places where they 
eat, for the wine list itself is about the size of a 
young Bradshaw. 

It has become the fashion of late to put menus in 
books, and so as not to be out of the swim I do like- 
wise. There is no other reason. 

MENU 

Hors d'oeuvre, 
Chateau Olivier. Potage Bisque, 

Sole Chapon Fin, 
Becasses, 

Fonds d'artichauts 
Morn ay, 
Fine Champagne, Fruits, 

1 869. Cafe. 

And very good it all was. 

Then we went and said another farewell to the 
car. Jehu, in his emotion, began fiddling idly with 
the little things on the dash, and the Daimler, recog- 
nising her master's voice, instantly started up on the 



238 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

switch. This was too much for us all, and choking 
back our tears we hurried away. No one has ever 
yet written a " Farewell to a Motor Car," so, with 
my readers' permission, I take this favourable oppor- 
tunity. 

FAREWELL TO A DAIMLER 

Ho ! You've climbed the Guadarramas, and you've swum 

Tordera's flood ; 
And you've rushed the dusty ramblds rocky bed. 
Dropped from off the ice-bound plateau to the slushing, melting 

mud — 
Slushy mud that tried to ditch you tail and head. 
But you've kept your engine throbbing while the frightened 

mules backed past, 
Or the bonnet heaved in front the drifted snow. 
Did the squealing brake-bands check you when he let you go 

too fast, 
And you felt the hidden, yawning caniveau? 
Caniveau ! 
Not so. 
Did it smash you as it ought to? 
O dear, NO ! 

Or, as Swinburne might have it : — 

The burden of Loose Metal. Thou hast known 
The league-long rocky roads, with never a place 
Where thou couldst show to Spain what should be shown 
Of Power and Symmetry and Skill and Pace. 
And yet through miserable tracks thy cheerful face 
And dauntless wheels, that never seemed to tire, 
Have brought thee laurels for thy Peerless Race ; 
This is the Car of every man's desire. 

* * * * * * 

I feel better now. 



ON BIARRITZ 239 

The voyage home from Bordeaux was very restful. 
Much more restful than the captain intended, or I 
expected it to be. After our farewell dinner to 
France and the motor, we drove to the big station to 
put Jehu in the train for England. I think the 
station at Bordeaux has the largest usual-shaped 
room I have ever seen — it appeared even bigger 
than the Pantheon, without the disadvantage of 
having a hole in the roof. It boasted also of 
another big thing in the shape of an enormous 
porter. Now Jehu says he is six feet three, and 
Jarge and I are only an inch less, but this hero 
not only dwarfed all of us completely, but also 
brought down the vast hall to ordinary proportions. 
This sort of man is the best kind for a porter in 
France, because it is easy to find him in a crowd, 
and we felt quite safe in leaving Jehu to his tender 
mercies when the Paris express came in. Then we 
put our luggage, which the Artist had stored in the 
cloak-room, on our pair-horse cab and clattered 
through the stony streets to the riverside where lay 
the good ship Grive, the meaning of which word I 
believe to be a sort of " missel-thrush." Now I am 
one of those people to whom Kipling's beautiful line 
in " The Song of the English " comes peculiarly 
appropriate, for the words " We have fed the sea for 
a thousand years " convey perhaps a deeper meaning 
to me than most. But another trait in my character 
is that I am eternally hopeful — or rather, that I 



240 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

refuse to profit by experience. So when the Artist 
had informed me that he was going home by boat 
from Bordeaux I said I would cleave unto him ; it 
would probably do my cold good, it would be a 
change, and gave many other equally good reasons. 
Perhaps if the telegraph wires overhead had been 




To be or not to be ? 



humming, and the flags on the big International 
Exhibition which was being built on the Quay had 
been snap-snapping in a breeze, I might have thought 
better of it and gone home with Jehu ; but aflat, oily 
calm and no sound but the lap-lapping of the tide 
against the mooring-buoy gave me courage, and I 
had no hesitation in boarding the vessel with all the 



ON BIARRITZ 241 

assurance of a perfect sailor. It was good to get on 
to an English boat and hear somebody else but our 
own party talking English, so we promptly ordered a 
whisky and soda to celebrate the occasion. But the 
taste of the whisky took us back to Toledo, though 
all the consolation we got from the steward was that 
our palates had evidently been ruined by a course of 
adulterated claret, and he hoped for our sakes we 
should get them back again. Then we were intro- 
duced to the captain and, after I had ascertained in a 
roundabout manner that the Grive was the steadiest 
boat afloat, and that the Bay would be like a mill- 
pond, that the tide would serve for a start about three 
in the morning, and that we should be across the bar 
and in open water by breakfast time, we turned in. 
Of course, I derived this information in a manner 
which rather indicated that my real hope was that it 
would be nice and rough, for the man who shows he 
is nervous of being sea-sick dies twice, and it is really 
nearly as useful to appear brave as to be brave. One 
so often never gets asked to show one's hand. The 
bunks on the Grive were the longest I ever lay 
in ; we each had big double cabins to ourselves, the 
engines seemed miles away, and I slept the sleep of 
the just. About seven o'clock I woke and hailed a 
steward as to whether or not we had crossed the bar. 
The answer that I got back was that we had not 
moved an inch, and by the look of the fog out of the 
port-hole there seemed little chance of doing so till 
R 



242 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the tide was too low to start. A look round before 
breakfast just disclosed the other end of the gang- 
plank, an even oilier sea than last night's, and masts 
lost in the mist above. Of course, at the meal the 
captain was bombarded with the usual impossible 
questions, but afterwards in the privacy of his cabin 
he told us all about it. 

" Did you see that parson at the end of my table?" 
said he. " Well, it's a funny thing, but I never have 
a fog or the fiddles on unless there's one of them 
aboard. Last spring I had a bishop and the nastiest 
trip I've ever had on this boat. I told him before we 
got to Southampton — where he got off — that I put it 
all down to him, and, sure enough, after he went 
ashore the sun came out and the sea went down. 
Well, the first thing I found when I got round to the 
Thames was a telegram from His Holiness asking 
how the rest of the cruise had been. And what do 
you think I wired back ? " We professed absolute 
ignorance. "Jonah xi. 15, and if you folk want to 
know what that is about, here comes another of 'em." 
A benign, spectacled face peered in through the open 
door on the group keeping the oil-stove warm. "Oh, 
captain," it said, " how long do you think the fog will 
last? Because I should like to take a walk round 
this most interesting town." I saw the skipper's face 
clear, and with a cheerful smile he told him that it 
was doubtful if they could get away for another 
twelve hours. The padre thanked him, and we all 



ON BIARRITZ 243 

watched his reverence feel his way down the plank 
and on to the quay. 

Then the captain looked up at where the sky 
ought to have been, his eyes twinkled, and he re- 
marked, " The fog's got a move on ; Jonah's gone 
ashore, and I can't afford to miss a tide." Up 
tumbled the crew, bells clanked in the inside of the 
vessel, the other side of the river and all manner of 
odd ships came into view, hawsers began to tighten 
and creak, the gang-plank was just being thrust 
ashore, when out of a tramcar jumped a black 
figure yelling at the top of his voice, the parson once 
more sprang aboard, and — down dropped the fog as 
thick as ever. 

We really did get off towards midday, but all 
down the wide Garonne we ran into wreaths of fog, 
and we were obliged to anchor several times before 
we finally smelt the mud on the bar. Out in the Bay 
there was an orderly smooth procession of fat rollers 
keeping a monotonous length, a pale blue sky, and a 
very empty sea. But all along the land there was 
fog still, and every now and then we would get into 
its white belts. There was no going inside Ushant 
that night — or anywhere near it— and only by the 
luck that Jonah ought not to have been allowed did 
we manage to get into the Solent some twenty-four 
hours later. Then the ceasing of the engine woke 
me up, and I felt the ship swing and start a new kind 
of wallow. Some one was splashing the lead over- 



244 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

board and calling out indistinguishable expressions. 
And just as I was wondering how long we were 
likely to go on with this patent rocking before I 
should lose my clean bill of health, I heard the bell 
ring twice, the engines thump out their old tune, and 
once more I felt at peace. About an hour afterwards 
I was dimly conscious of more bells, and quiet fol- 
lowed by the rattle and splash of letting go the 
anchor. Also absolute calm. With a cup of tea 
four hours later, the steward told me that we were 
lying off Hurst Castle in thickest fog, that the mercy 
of Providence had lifted it once just enough for the 
captain to make the Needles light, and that was 
how we had managed to get inside the Solent at 
all. When I came on deck all around were the weird 
sounds of bells and sirens belonging to half a dozen 
other ships in like situation to us — though for all we 
could see we might have been still in the Bordeaux 
river. After breakfast was over we felt our way to 
the captain's cabin, and once more we sat round the 
stove and discussed the subject of Jonah in connec- 
tion with the fact of our being a whole day late. 

There was a little dark man there who seemed to 
have spent most of the voyage in his bunk. The 
captain introduced us to him saying that he was 
a great man on motor-cars. He spoke English very 
well, but could not allow that fogs were altogether 
the perquisite of the devil. Indeed he was so 
annoyed when I ventured to express my opinion 



ON BIARRITZ 245 

of the particular one outside, that we were not much 
surprised when he asked the skipper if he had time 
to tell us a story that happened to him — and a fog. 

The captain answered that by the look of things 
he would have time to write a book on Navigation, 
so he began : — 

" I may tell you, gentlemen, that I am now the 
what you call the technical partner in a big Spanish 
firm for automobiles. Indeed, as the captain has 
said, I am quite an expert, and on my way to your 
country to buy the best car for to imitate it where it 
is good." [We bowed.] " You see my country is 
not like France as to the roads." [We nodded assent.] 
" Indeed, they are more like your own ! " [We nodded 
dissent.] He resumed : " But of the story. My 
dear friend, Manuel Corballo — ah, he is dead ; I will 
tell you later — and I were in Paris learning engineer- 
ing at Suresnes when automobiles first came to be 
talked about, and it was but natural that we should 
be interested in them. To so much that we gave up 
all every other kind of work, and so, because we 
were steady and good fellows — we did not smoke 
cigarettes all the time — the Marquis de Dion was 
very pleased to take us into the works, and very soon 
— though I myself speak — there was no one there 
who knew more except the Marquis himself, of 
course. Now perhaps I was the better engineer 
than Manuel," and he held out his lean, strong hands 
with their flat, hard finger-tips, " but my friend was 



246 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

a man with far more original idea, and for nothing 
could he not make a shift. You know? And he 
could drive like the wind and knew no fear. Well, 
after some time we wanted to go back to Spain, but 
the Marquis, he offered us anything to stay with him. 
But my father, he wanted me back, and — well, there 
were many reasons. So we went back, and Manuel 
and I were the first people to drive an automobile in 
Spain. At Madrid it was a long time before we were 
allowed to, and then only because the young King 
wished to know all about them. I gave him his first 
ride and he gave me these " — and the little man 
showed us his sleeve-links with the royal monogram 
on them — " and even now he asks me what I think 
about the cars. I do not say the car I am for now is for 
him, but he is very fond of English things. They 
say he prefers them to any other. You know ? Well, 
to get on with my story. My relations at Aranjuez 
were very pleased to see us again, and — with the 
motor — we were very famous. Now about my friend's 
sister. Since we had been away she had grown from 
a little, romping child to a big girl — much bigger than 
me or Manuel. And she was very pretty, O, very 
pretty, and she knew it. But then all the Spanish 
girls know they are pretty, even if they are not, and 
that is, as we say in Spain, ' over the uphill.' But 
Lola had many to tell her so, and many who came to 
see the new carriage came again for something else. 
But she was very fair to all, and though many fell in 



ON BIARRITZ 247 

love with her, she had no particular favourite. But 
one day — ah, it is even as all old stories — a great 
duke came to see the car. And he saw my sister. 
Then he wanted to buy the car, but we said no, for 
we were working to make others at Aranjuez so that 
Madrid should be like Paris for automobiles. So he 
wanted to help in the making, and offered to advance 
money, for he was rich. And we thought, and it 
seemed that his name, and his money, and his 
friends, would be good for us and for the automobiles. 
So we consented, and he was about Aranjuez for a 
lone time. It is not so far from Madrid. And one 
evening — it was a holiday — Manuel came back and 
went into the drawing-room to get some plans. But 
when he turned on the light he saw a man and a girl 
there, and it was the duke and Lola. Manuel told 
me next day the duke would not come back, and 
how he had given him what you call a jolly good 
licking. Did I tell you Manuel and I worked as 
apprentices for two years at Leeds? Well, it was 
there we had learned how to use our fists. But Lola, 
she was sulky and angry with her brother — women 
are odd creatures. But the duke he came no more, 
and we could do very well without his money. And 
so we went on for a year. But Lola, she stopped 
flirting with anybody else, though there were hundreds 
of good men who wanted her. And then one hot 
day, after it had been raining all a week, a big 
automobile — a French one, not of ours — was seen 



248 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

near the house, and when it went away there was no 
Lola to be found. And one told Manuel that it was 
the duke who had come and gone. Then Manuel 
and I went to the works, and we took out the new 
big chassis that was being made for our King. It 
had what you call a works-body on, and we tied 
many bidons of benzina behind and spare tyres till it 
looked like a racing auto. And then we followed 
that other one. We heard of him that he had gone 
towards Madrid, and then that he had turned off 
round the lower city towards the Escorial. And 
then we knew the duke had his hunting palace by 
Mingorria, and that when he was there he was safe, 
for it is a wild region and all his own. So we too 
ran by Madrid to the Puerto de Guadarrama. And 
when we got to the top, by the stone lion of Castile, 
the old woman told us that another automobile had 
gone over without stopping, for you know all stop to 
write their names in the book of the King's High- 
way. So we did not wait also, and I do not think 
any one has ever dropped off the top of a mountain 
as quick as we did. Manuel drove, and I am glad 
there was no one else with us. We ran down through 
the fir trees and round the curves until we were by 
the railway where the tunnel comes out and the road 
was straight for many leagues. And then we saw a car 
a long way in front. It was a big car, and I think they 
saw us coming, for it was but very slowly we gained 
upon them. But Manuel, with the new automobile 



ON BIARRITZ 249 

we had spent so much time and love on, was not one 
to keep behind. Along the rain- washed road we ran, 
nearer and nearer, until we came to the land where 
the big stones lie In the fields like flocks of giant 
sheep." [" The grey wethers of Marlborough Downs," 
murmured the Artist to me.] " Now we were but half 
a mile off them, and I could see the driver turning 
round and cutting corners like one with a devil. 
Ah! Manuel's face was like a piece of old oak, and 
his white teeth gleamed as he leant over the wheel. 
And then, just as we thought we had them — paff — 
like it is outside now — the fog came on ! If you 
know the road there is one place where the road 
twists right round and over a rambla. The rain had 
made it all one stream ; the heat of the day had 
sucked up the moisture from the soil — the land there 
is like nowhere else — and so came the fog, at least 
that is what they told me, though I know better. 
Manuel hit a big stone, the car slid half across the 
road and he had to pull up. Never have I heard a 
man curse so, but it was no use. I said the duke 
would prefer us dead, as would certainly happen if 
we went on, to anything else ; besides which the stone 
had smashed the near wheel. So we were beaten. 

" But as we cried in vain and despaired of Lola — 
for I tell you now I loved her too — and the punish- 
ment for the duke, a little puff of wind came down 
the valley, and the fog tore in two. And for nothing 
we walked on to where the road swings right behind 



250 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the cliff, before it curves left over the high stone 
bridge across the gorge." [The little man's voice lost 
all its tones.] " And we saw that where the bridge 
should be there was now a big gap, and down below 
— where the big stones looked up out of the dark 
water — was all that was left of the duke, his big 
yellow automobile — and Lola." 

Senor Miguel Zumarrago picked up the matches 
and lit a cigarette he had been rolling as he spoke. 

"And now, gentlemen," he said, "you know why 
I do not speak of fogs as you do." 

We all murmured sympathetically and sat on in 
silence. 

Then the door half opened, and the Reverend 
Jonah put his head in. " Oh, captain, we seem so 
near the land, that do you think that one of the men 
could put me ashore in one of the boats ? " he asked. 

The captain found his smile again ; even poor 
Miguel laughed with us, and we all came out on to 
the deck. 

I believe the parson thought he was going to have 
his desire, and really the captain looked as if he 
would jump at this new method of getting rid of the 
cause of the trouble. And perhaps this is why our 
mast-head flag began to flutter, and the stumpy 
masts of a Union-Castle liner which had been shud- 
dering the air with her steam-pipe all the morning, 
suddenly showed up between us and the mainland. 
Then little by little the island disclosed itself, and 



ON BIARRITZ 251 

Haifa dozen other boats — Jersey Highfliers, Nord- 
deutscher-Lloyds, potato boats, and tramps of all 
sorts began eating up their cables to get along in the 
clear. The tide was flowing, and consequently all 
the vessels lay pointing out to sea. The channel is 
not more than half a mile wide where we all were, 
and the spectacle of the huge ships turning round in 
that cramped space was a very curious one. And 
when the big Dunottar Castle was halfway across 
and all the others about straight, down came the fog 
again, and all the anchors once more had to be let 
go. Our skipper remarked between his teeth that 
Jonah was going ashore if he had to swim there. 
But then lunch — which we ought to have been eating 
in our own homes — was announced, and as we settled 
to this new diversion, we heard the telegraph gongs 
go again, and " half speed ahead, by guess and lead " 
we crawled from buoy to buoy over the glassy water 
— putting up strings of wild duck as we passed 
through one fog-wreath to another. Off Calshot the 
sea and sky were blue as summer, and it was quite 
a procession that raced up Southampton Water and 
came alongside the docks. Then Customs — for the 
last time — farewells, and a station cab came as near 
as it could get to the gang-plank. The Artist and 
I got in with our luggage, the driver had mounted 
the box, when a mild voice at the window said : " If 
you two are going to the station, have you got room 
for me ? " 



252 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

It was Jonah ! 

I hope he did not think we were rude, but I am 
sure the cabman put us down as mad. 

We have not seen Jonah since ; but as that same 
fog put the Suevic and the Jcbba on the shore, I 
expect he or some of his kind are still about. And 
if ever he wants a ride in my car, I shall tell him 
that the company I insure with would certainly 
cancel my policy. 

What the Artist said about him is unfitted for this 
kind of literature. 

****** 
And so we returned unto our native land. 



CHAPTER X 
THROWN IN 

I HAVE been told to make this chapter useful, 
and to bring all my concentrated experience and 
wisdom to bear on the subject of touring. Not 
necessarily in Spain, or even France, but everywhere. 
So it is likely to be dry; for it is an accepted fact that 
humour and sense can never walk hand in hand, ex- 
cept in obituary notices. 

One has only to scan the advertisement columns of 
the Press (not necessarily the Motor Press) to see 
how nearly every shop supplies goods " for motor 
touring." For instance, if you require luggage, it 
must be made of an almost weightless substance, 
shaped to fit a particular part of a car, or constructed 
in the shape of a giant Camembert cheese to fit in- 
side spare covers. Also special tea-baskets are in- 
dispensable, and in addition to a miniature cooking 
range, it is imperative to carry patent food tins that 
heat themselves by the jabbing of holes in them. 
Then the brewers advertise (in one of Mr. Hassall's 
happiest efforts) that unless you carry a case of 
bottled beer on the roof of the car you are lost, and 

253 



254 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

undoubtedly, according to some authorities, the 
absence of a bridge-table renders the trip miserable. 
As I have said somewhere before, the only time we 
felt the lack of bridge was when the car stuck in the 
middle of Spanish rivers ; but there is not much 
guidance in the remark. It is impossible to write 
on touring to suit all tastes at once. I read in my 
daily paper that a certain duke has sent on two of 
his chauffeurs with cars to meet him somewhere in the 
South of France ; but it is not for dukes alone I pur- 
pose to write. But this brings up the subject of 
chauffeurs, and of these there are many sorts and 
kinds. There is no doubt that the presence of a 
model chauffeur (if there is such a being on this earth) 
is invaluable. And by a model chauffeur I mean one 
who will have the car ready when it is wanted, do no 
foolish things in the way of showing off, and study 
the interests of his employer. If a chauffeur can be 
found that can do these things, happy is his em- 
ployer, for his value is above even that of spare 
parts. One does see such quaint things in the way 
of motor-men, and their way of driving, that one can- 
not help feeling a trifle suspicious of most of these 
gentlemen. But at the same time, it is surprising 
how much confidence is reposed in the virtue of 
black leather suits. And if (as some do) a chauffeur 
is taken abroad because he can speak the language 
for the party — as a rule, Help ! Every motor owner 
who knows will agree with me that the best chauffeur 



THROWN IN 255 

is the ex-coachman or lad who has been trained by 
his motoring master. In this case the washing of the 
car is never scamped, risks — bred by familiarity and 
swagger — are never taken, and the owner is not 
looked on as a milch cow sent by Providence for the 
sole benefit of his employe. A Midland hotel-keeper 
told me that last autumn a hired chauffeur told him 
that unless he doubled (in the bill) the actual amount 
of petrol supplied he would never bring a party there 
again, and he has kept his word. I do not blame the 
man for making hay, according to his lights, while 
the sun shone ; on the contrary, I look on his em- 
ployer as deserving of being so cheated, but where 
the business part of the tour is left entirely in the 
hands of a foreign " shuvvcr," it is more than the 
tempting of Providence. I know it is not always 
possible, but the inclusion of a "motorist who knows" 
amongst the party makes a great deal of difference, 
and if one is contemplating not enormous distances 
or terrific speeds but merely fair-weather runs, a 
couple of amateurs who delight in messing about 
with a car and know as much as an average chauffeur 
— which is not impossible — will give more enjoyment 
at far less expense than an English chauffeur who 
knows nothing about the country, or a foreigner who 
knows a lot too much. In ever)- town nowadays 
there is a garage to be found, with some one who will 
clean the car or do any little adjustment required ; so 
really there is no need, unless you prefer, to fill up a 



256 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

valuable seat with a superfluous person. When tyres 
go down, where is the amateur who will smoke his 
pipe until the professional has finished the job? As 
a rule he works just as hard or even harder. 

At the same time, because I have come across 
so many black sheep, I do not want to convey the 
impression that all are alike, and I can imagine no 
happier party than just two people with their own 
trusty man and lots of room for luggage. As I have 
said, we were three adepts and one " jacker," though 
the "jacker" knew a bit about motoring before he 
got back home. The car also might have been kept 
a bit cleaner if we had had a leather angel on board, 
but none I have ever met could have wrestled with 
the condition that came from daily struggles with 
snowdrifts, river-beds, or primeval dust heaps. And 
so we did very well without a man, though occasion- 
ally some of us showed rather a disinclination for 
early morning starts. 

We made a great mistake, when we began our 
trip, in having too much cargo on board ; a fairly large 
kit-bag each, spare coats, cameras, etc., not only left 
little room for ourselves, but added greatly to the 
load. We averaged about fourteen stone apiece in 
our winter garments, and the never-to-be-forgotten 
spare tank weighed quite as much as another pas- 
senger would, so that when one includes all the spare 
parts, tools, and accessories, the total was not quite 
fair on either the car or the tyres. And the wear 



THROWN IN 257 

on tyres rises in geometrical progression with the 
pace of the car. For instance, after we had said 
good-bye to the snow of Central France, Jehu used 
sometimes to get sixty miles an hour out of the 
Daimler, which seemed very pleased to be allowed 
to move. But even the best tyres are not built for 
this with a big load on them, and little caniveaux are 
not good for springs at a mile a minute. Not that 
ours broke, though I cannot imagine how they sur- 
vived. So I counsel those who are about to tour 
with no vacant seats, wherever they may go, to take 
no more luggage than is absolutely necessary for 
comfort and cleanliness, and to send ahead by the 
uninteresting train the remainder. The absence 
of much luggage may prolong the life of back tyres 
by hundreds of miles, and prevent many of the 
breakdowns and strains attributable in the first place 
to overloading. Besides which, think of the extra 
room and hill-climbing effort you can get in a car 
that has not been turned into a luggage compart- 
ment. And this brings us to the shape of motor- 
bodies, and here I will not express an opinion beyond 
saying that it is more pleasure to me to look out 
of the window of a railway carriage than of some 
Limousines and covered cars I am acquainted with. 
Have a glass screen and a Cape-cart hood by all 
means — the latter has many uses and is frequently 
abused — but if you want to see the country and save 
the lives of many dogs with whips, wrap up, and 
s 



258 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

consequently eat, drink, and sleep well by facing the 
health-giving air. Some one said to us somewhere 
on our travels, " Only an Englishman would drive 
in an open car through France in the winter," and 
when Jarge remarked that that was a very good 
reason, he went off muttering something to the effect 
that he failed to understand the inner meaning of 
the idiom. But he was right in one respect, and 
I can hardly remember meeting another open car in 
the country all the way. Covered-in bodies not only 
add to the weight themselves, but also tempt too 
large a quantity of luggage to get on their roof. 
I often wonder if many of these big bodies I see 
carry the many spare covers they do, because they 
have room for them or because they have need of 
them. Tyres should be considered more than they 
are by some body-builders, though it will be a cold 
day for tyre-makers when everlasting ones are in- 
vented. And while on the subject of tyres and the 
appurtenances thereof, many a good new tube has 
been mysteriously flattened by worn or irregular 
security bolts inside the rim, and half a dozen new 
ones should on no account be omitted from the list 
of spares. Also tyre levers are as a rule far too 
small for their job, and the difference that two-foot 
ones make in coaxing a big, stiff, new cover on to the 
rim has to be tried to be appreciated. 

By most of my readers a dissertation on the rival 
merits of "chain-driven " and "live-axle" cars would 



• THROWN IN 259 

be skipped, but I am of opinion — and, curiously 
enough, most makers of chain-driven cars are with 
me — that, for very bad roads, such as almost all 
Spanish ones, chain-driven cars are less likely to sus- 
tain serious damage than those with live axles. 
Though, for the same reason that black-faced sheep 
eat more than white-faced sheep, I shall not argue the 
point, and I content myself with the knowledge that 
my conviction is shared by most independent experts 
— from which class, I may inform my readers, I 
derive any knowledge I may possess on such impor- 
tant subjects. But may I restore peace by remarking 
that motoring over bad roads is no more pleasure 
than is driving over them behind horses, therefore 
the question need not arise. Concerning motor- 
clothing, there is no doubt that a big frieze coat 
lined with leather (detachable) is the most useful, 
especially if you are your own mechanic, as in this 
case the lining worn without the coat makes an ex- 
cellent boiler suit, cleans well, and, even if you do 
forget to clean it, does not show the dirt when back 
in its proper place. For the very cold weather we all 
turned out in special French caps in two parts. The 
inner one was made of cloth, tightly fitting the head, 
with flaps that fastened with a click under the chin, 
and little non-return-valve flaps over each ear to 
assist conversation. This part when worn alone gives 
an ascetic, severe look to the face, so a woollen 
Balaclava helmet, with a bob on the top, is put over 



26o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

it and pulled down till it opens and shows a hole for 
the face to look out of, while all round the warm 
material embraces the neck. It is not necessary, how- 
ever, to always wear both, or the latter down, though 
the woolly one tucked up by itself is only worn in 
England by diseased aliens or Finnish oilers. 

The other parts of the touring motorist's get-up 
depend on himself, the weather, the car, and the 
time of the year. But if at all cold the driver is well 
advised to get a pair of soleless fur boots that go 
well up his calf and strap under the soles of his 
ordinary footwear. I started this tour in Irish frieze 
breeches and " spadoons," but twenty buttons on each 
leg every cold, dark morning soon wearied me, and I 
grew to hate the sight of them. The others wore 
ordinary trousers and I heard no complaints. So we 
may take it that the motorist need not acquire fancy 
garments for the enjoyment of this pastime. I have 
referred to the question of big fur coats in my first 
chapter, and undoubtedly they are very awe-inspiring 
garments. I feel tempted to relate many of the 
funny stories I have heard touching these things, but 
as this is the useful part of the work, will refrain. 

Although I dare not contemplate that after the 
relation of our fearful adventures other folk will 
follow in our wheel-ruts through Spain, it may be as 
well to remark that a car which is intended to leave 
the beaten track should be built well off the ground 
in every way, so as to be clear of every ordinary ob- 



THROWN IN 261 

struction. We began, as I have remarked, with tool- 
chests fitted under our sideboards, but even in happy 
England I have seen a hump-backed canal bridge hit 
them, as a particularly long car, so fitted, straddled 
across it. And for snowdrifts they are a serious in- 
convenience, while even a shallow stream always 
invades their insides and usually rusts or spoils all 
the contents. For this same last reason all coils, bat- 
teries, magnetos, carburettors and the like should be 
put as high up as possible to keep out of the wet, and 
a clutch that could be rendered positive in its action 
would be useful for fording rivers that reach the 
level of the fly-wheel. But I don't quite see how this 
last is going to be managed with the ordinary cone 
type, and much the same effect would be caused by 
the driver resolutely keeping his foot off the clutch 
pedal altogether during the passage. But this is no 
place for such technical discussions, and the contem- 
plated R.A.C. Fording Competition will doubtless 
solve all questions that may arise. 

A most useful aid to touring, especially if one has 
no chauffeur, is a set of tyre-inflators. With these 
the hardest work of tyre-changing is obviated, and it 
is a pleasure to watch the cover assume its correct 
shape in less than no time, while the security bolts 
push outwards faster than hands can tighten them 
up. One sparklet should blow up more than half a 
dozen of the biggest tyres, and my only complaint 
against them is the sordid one that they are so 



262 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

absurdly expensive. With these it is very interesting 
to note, even on the hottest day, the frosting of the 
connecting tube between the sparklet and the valve 
caused by the evaporation, and the inquisitive natives 
who used to crowd round us with open mouths, 
always refused to touch them at any price, and went 
away quite certain that the devil had something to 
do with the matter. One peon nearly knifed me 
because I put it against the back of his neck, much 
to the amusement of his friends. The bottles, about 
thirty inches long and as thick as a man's wrist, when 
empty, make excellent presents for pleasant peasants, 
and no doubt their owners keep the finest vintages 
for preservation in their hollow, glass insides. And 
they would be fine weapons in a row. 

As to sign-posts, France, and a great deal of the 
Spain we saw, is well placarded with boards full of 
information. The driver should pull up before he 
passes them or the reverse will have to be put in, and 
the usual scene of recrimination take place. It is 
not at all a bad idea to get a boy or inhabitant of the 
town to come on the car and show you the way 
through and out. He will be delighted to be of 
assistance, and so pleased with his reward that he 
will step off into the road without realising the pace 
of the car, and roll over like a shot rabbit. This 
at any rate is what invariably happened to the guides 
we availed ourselves of. 

Without wishing to appear penurious, we found 



THROWN IN 263 

the following procedure of great value in towns 
where there were more hotels than one. It became 
our custom to draw up at the door of the house we 
fancied most and inquire for the host. When he 
came out, all bows and smiles, we informed him that 
we desired to pass the night there, and would he be 
good enough to inform us at how much a head he 
would give us dinner, bed, and coffee and rolls in the 
morning? All the time we would make no effort to 
descend, and kept the engine running. The talking 
invariably fell upon the Artist, who was more of a 
colloquialist than grammarian, and Jarge, Jehu, and 
I assumed attitudes of absolute indifference. Occa- 
sionally we would laugh if the answer was pre- 
posterous, and Jehu would pretend to be about to 
drive on. At this the landlord would bid us delay, 
and say he would consult some one in authority 
(probably his wife), and would we wait? In a very 
short time he would return and inform us that he 
would be pleased to entertain us at (as a rule) ten 
francs each, instead of the sixteen he usually ob- 
tained from such distinguished persons who travel in 
such large automobiles. We would then put the car 
in the appointed place, chaperon our bags to our 
rooms, and come down to enjoy a perfectly cooked 
dinner and the wine of the country. 

Talking of the wine of the country leads me to 
remark that our path lay through all that country 
which has been so disturbed this year about the 



264 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

decrease in the consumption of its only product — 
wine. We sampled its vintages at many places be- 
tween Macon and the Pyrenees, and I do not think 
that ever we found fault with them. Red, white, or 
puce, all were drinkable, and on the table at every 
meal. The wish that they could be obtained in 
England was often on our lips, but we were told that 
the cheaper kinds could not stand travel, and prob- 
ably, like Dutch cigars, would be without honour save 
in their own country. I read in the paper that the 
viniculturists put down the reason of their decrease 
in popularity to artificial sweetened wines from 
Algeria and elsewhere, while the Government attri- 
bute it to increased consumption of mineral waters, 
strops, and beer. And principally to the latter. But 
if the beer south of Paris was as a rule beastly, the 
Spanish beer which came our way was absolutely 
awful, and some of us never drank it without re- 
gretting the fact very soon. Baedeker and I think 
alike on this subject, but he is too severe about 
Spanish wines. As a well-meaning guide I advise 
vermouth and seltzer before dinner, vin du pays at 
dinner, and cognac after. You can rely on these 
three beverages as being usually up to expectation, 
though the cognac is sometimes only an imitation of 
what it is supposed to be. In Spain the best native 
brandy is Domecq, and though it is milder than 
French cognac, it is very pleasant. Where brandy is 
thrown in with coffee — as at Gerona — it will be found 




A WINK Ml' >> 



THROWN IN 265 

a trifle weak, but the heart of a diner is refreshed by 
the sight of the little triangular decanter side by 
side with the quaint, high coffee-pot, and the lump of 
sugar wrapped in a neat paper cover. At most of 
the hotels along the coast, the hotels and cafes keep 
whisky, but if you are wise you will let them keep 
it. It has most fearful Scottish pictures and tartans 
on the labels, and some of the landlords try and get 
it off on their fellow-countrymen as the national 
beverage of their young Queen. Like Rosbif a 
VAnglaise at Madrid, this " Scot-viski" is a foul libel 
and a menace to international peace. The peasants 
drink as a liqueur some beastly sweet stuff called 
aguardiente, which, tasting like a mixture of kummel 
and paraffin, very likely is. It is cheap — which is 
its only apparent merit — and very much alike to 
inferior Russian vodki. 

Spain is not much of a country for liqueurs, though 
the real original and genuine Chartreuse is now 
made at Tarragona by the monks who have been 
turned out of France. I suppose the rule is " the 
colder the climate the warmer the drinks," and that 
is why Russia has more kinds of liqueurs than all 
the rest of the world put together. I remember once 
dining with a man whose wife was the daughter of a 
big Russian nobleman. Every Christmas a case of 
bottles used to arrive covered all over with the 
variegated Russian alphabet. The butler invariably 
took charge of the lot, and doled out the tots as if 



266 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

he knew exactly which was what. But one night I 
was honoured, no one liked the particular liqueur 
that was dealt round. In fact we all very much dis- 
liked it, and when our hostess investigated the legend 
on the bottle and found that it was special toilet 
bay rhum we had been sampling, there was a general 
rush for the best brandy to obliterate any after 
effects. I mention this because that bay rhum was 
nectar compared with aguardiente. 

Cigars and cigarettes in Spain have only two 
drawbacks : one is that nothing will keep the former 
alight, and the other is that nothing will keep the 
latter together. This, of course, relates to the 
ordinary and cheaper kinds ; the better and more 
expensive sorts have no characteristics out of the 
common. I would back a Spaniard to waste less of 
a cigarette than any other man, and I believe some 
men are capable of smoking them completely away. 
The only class in the least comparable with them in 
this form of economy is the English commercial 
traveller, and I have often watched with awe the 
almost complete combustion of the wet end of a 
cigar, poised on the point of a much -used pocket- 
knife, until I was lost in wondering whether he would 
be forced to give up the game because of a cut or a 
burn. 

It is popularly supposed that Spain is infested with 
beggars, but it was only in the very big towns that we 
ever came across them — with one picturesque excep- 



THROWN IN 267 

tion. Madrid is the worst place for them, and when 

they once began there was no means of getting rid of 

them. I was forced once into taking a couple of 

pestering, whining children into the nearest shop, 

shutting the door on them and fleeing. What the 

shopman said or did I know not, but in a very short 

space of time I saw them shot out into the street, 

rubbing their heads, and doubtless wondering what 

kind of madman they had run against. Talking of 

shops, shopkeepers in Spain look on a customer as 

post office young ladies do in England, and it comes 

quite natural after a bit to apologise for disturbing 

their repose. They do not dress their windows nearly 

as attractively as Italians do, seeking rather to put all 

their goods in the window like a jeweller in an English 

provincial town. I remember a street in a little 

Sicilian town called Trapani, a place about the size of 

Slough, and in it there were at least half a dozen 

shop-windows which would have done credit to Bond 

Street in the days before ever cheap sales were heard 

of in that fashionable thoroughfare. Ars est cclarc 

artcm. 

Our Artist, as I have mentioned before, is a linguist. 
But until this year the Spanish tongue was strange to 
him. So he took a course of lessons from a charm- 
ing seflorita in London, and used to study irregular 
verbs all through France. But when he got to Spain 
he received a severe shock. The seflorita came from 
Andalusia. Andalusian is the language of Love and 



268 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

the sentimental South, and that was the dialect he 
had mastered. But we got into Spain in Catalonia, 
never getting nearer to Andalusia than Valencia, and 
they tell me there is as much difference between the 
patois of the North and the South as there is between 
the liquid accents of Devon and English as spoken 
in the West of Scotland. But for all that he got 
ahead like wildfire after a bit, though the universal 
proficiency of hotel-keepers and waiters in French 
made us a little easier in our minds as to what he was 
driving at. This language question is a very involved 
one. I travelled abroad once with a friend who 
began all his sentences, Est-ce-qne-vous-avcz — and 
then went on in Norse, because, he explained, he 
spent his summers in Norway catching salmon, and 
had thus got into the habit. But to me Spanish and 
Welsh conversation seems almost the same, and I 
understand them equally. Jehu had also taken 
Spanish lessons, but apparently left off when he had 
mastered the names of a few articles of food. Jarge 
did not try at all, but what there was of his French 
was very sound, and his "Jamais" admitted of no 
further argument. 

It is a common notion that Spanish servants in 
hotels are not obliging, and Mr. Baedeker is of this 
opinion. But our experience was quite the other way ; 
for nothing could have been more speedy or attentive 
than the way we were almost always looked after. In 
some places the refusal of a dish was the signal for 



THROWN IN 269 

something very like tears, and at another the remark 
how very good it was, was the cause of an immediate 
encore of the thing commended. Spanish ideas as 
to the amount of water necessary for washing seem 
to be rather on the small side, but a deprecatory look 
at the little tin can would always result in a race be- 
tween the miicJiadia, the mono, and the camarcro to 
bring up some more. 

The only really objectionable custom in the hotels 
of some of the smaller provincial towns is that when 
you arrive and desire your luggage taken upstairs, it 
is pounced upon by all the loafing ruffians in the 
street, and conveyed piecemeal to the wrong bed- 
rooms. Then each villain demands a peseta, and 
seems truly annoyed when only rewarded with a 
couple of coppers and, usually, sudden assistance down 
the stairs. Curiously enough, where there was a land- 
lad)' we were not so troubled, but I dare say the land- 
lord has reasons for sanctioning this form of pillage. 

There is another little habit they have in Spain 
which it is well to practise. If ever you are eating in 
a railway carriage or public place where others may 
happen to be sitting with you, it is the correct thing 
to offer to share your food with your neighbours. It 
is equally correct to refuse with grateful thanks, 
however, so one need not be alarmed at the idea. I 
have read that if you chance to admire anything, 
from a landscape to a tie-pin, that belongs to a 
Spaniard you may be talking to, he will reply, " It is 



270 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

yours." This never happened to any of us, though 
perhaps the kindly people thought we had not much 
room in the motor as it was 

Concerning cameras : though experts inform me 
that better results are obtained from plates than 
films, I am disposed not to agree, on the ground that 
plates take up too much room. And every camera 
and its appurtenances should have a place where it 
should be kept, and can be got at without disturbing 
the others. Jarge's camera was a Ralli, and lived 
on the seat between the Artist and me, as did also 
his beastly " Panoram," but Jehu's was a machine 
made by Newman and Guardia, and it took wonder- 
fully clear views, and was unsurpassable for archi- 
tectural detail. But the Artist is of opinion that 
cameras are merely handmaids to art, and complains 
that neither of them always hit what they aimed at, 
especially Jehu, who invariably shot too high for 
church doors. But since I have returned to England, 
I have been reading a book called Three Vagabonds 
in Fricsland, and have so fallen in love with the 
photographs in it that I make no apology for advis- 
ing intending tourists to read the appendix on the 
best methods of obtaining similar results. I could 
not give better hints myself unless I copied out the 
author's remarks, so merely content myself by recom- 
mending that photographic apparatus should be 
stowed where it does not interfere with the comfort 
of one's fellow-voyagers, especially boxes of plates. 



THROWN IN 271 

Nowadays no book of travel, as I have said before, 
is complete without a chapter on the cookery of the 
country. For the benefit of those who are unable to 
go to Spain themselves, and are tired of ordinary 
English and French plats, I have obtained from the 
Good Samaritan of Barcelona and his charming wife, 
assisted by the cook, whose beautiful names form a 
meal in themselves, some receipts (or recipes) of the 
dishes we lived on during our voyage down the cast 
coast of Spain. I cannot do better than publish the 
information in the same shape it came to me, together 
with the delightful running comments on each dish. 

"American Consulate General, Barcelona, Spain. 

" Paseo de Gracia, 30, 
"My Friend, "June 14, 1907. 

" You ate lots of arroz a la Valenciana when 
you were in Spain. This is a famous />/<// national ; 
not to have eaten arroz ' thusly ' is not to have come 
to Spain. It bobs up serenely at every table d'hote. It 
is the pike de resistance of the labourer's Sunday 
dinner. Even the gourmets who can afford to dine 
occasionally at the smartest restaurants call for it. 
"Void the recipe both in Spanish and English: — 
" Rice (d la Valenciana). "Arroz a la Valenciana. 
\ lb. rice. \ lb. arroz. 

1 green pepper. i pimiento verde. 

\ lb. tomatoes. \ lb. tomates. 

Small piece onion. Pedacito de cebolla. 

\\ ounce lard. i \ manteca de puerco. 



272 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

" Fry the onion and the "Friaselacebollapicada 

green pepper together, con el pimiento verde en 

finely chopped, in the lard, la manteca, agregandole 

adding the tomatoes cut los tomates cortados en 

into small pieces. When pedacitos ; cuando esten 

the latter are fried, add los tomates fritos anadase 

therice,stirring all briskly, el arroz Se revuelve y 

season with pepper, salt, marea el arroz, echandole 

and spice to taste, and hot sal, pimienta y especia 

water in sufficientquantity fina al gusto y agua cali- 

to boil the rice in. Let enteensuficientecantidad 

all simmer for about half para que cueza el arroz. 

an hour, or until the rice Dejese al fuego corao una 

be well boiled, and serve, media hora, 6 hasta que 

el arroz este bien cocido, 

y sirvase. 

" You also ate bacalao cou tomates, my friend. It 
cannot be avoided in Spain. Next to arroz Valen- 
ciana, it is the backbone of the well-to-do Spaniard's 
diet. The hotels and boarding-houses fill 'em up 
on it as an entree to keep 'em from going too 
ravenously at the joint, 1 you know. It is served 
in every house, and in the humbler houses a large 
kettle of it frequently forms the whole repast. It is 
strong and savoury, and a man who wouldn't take 
to it readily has no appreciation of the savoury and 
the oleaginous. 

" I give you below the recipe of Maria Josefa 
Concepci6n Manuela Conchita Carmen Rosita Antonia 

1 In the Gladlands of Outre Mer we say "roast," but as you say 
"joint " in the good old mother country, I willingly fall into line. 



THROWN IN 



27.I 



Jimenez y Caleta, our amiable and accomplished 
cook, which the lady who presides over the destinies 
of this household has put into kitchen English for 
you : — 



" Cod-fisJi with Tomatoes. 

\ lb. salt cod-fish. 
\\ tomatoes. 
Tablespoonful lard. 
Little onion. 
Salt and pepper to taste. 



" Bacalao con Tomates. 

\ lb. bacalao. 

\\ tomates 
1 cucharada (grande)manteca. 
Pedacito de cebolla de puerco. 
Sal y pimienta al paladar. 



"Put the salt fish to 
soak in cold water for at 
least twelve hours ; then 
put into cold water and 
boil until tender. Cut up 
some tomatoes (without 
peeling them) and put 
them in a stew-pan with 
very little water, and when 
quite soft press them 
through a colander. Warm 
the lard, adding a little 
shredded onion, and when 
the latter is browned put 
in the tomato pulp. Stir 
briskly, and in about ten 
minutes add the fish, cut 
into fillets, season with 
pepper and salt ; leave all 
on a slow fire for about 

T 



" Se tiene el bacalao A 
remojar en agua fria por 
12 horas a lo menos ; 
luego se pone en una 
cacerola con agua fria a 
cocer hasta quedar ticrno. 
Se cortan los tomates en 
pedacitos (sin pelarlos), y 
se meten en la cacerola 
con muy poca agua, cuan- 
do tiernos pasandolos por 
el colador. Se pone la 
manteca a calentar y 
cuando est£ caliente se le 
anade cebolla picada. 
Dorandose la cebolla afia- 
dase el tomate, revolvien- 
do muy bien por unos 10 
minutos. Se cuece el ba- 
calao en esta salsa cortado 



274 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 



one quarter of an hour, en filetcs, dejando todo a 
and serve. fuego lento por un cuarto 

de hora y sirvase. 

" You also ate atun (tunny-fish) hcrvido (boiled). 
Everybody does. It is a great dish along the 
Spanish coast of the Mediterranean, and I hope you 
liked it. This is the way our above-mentioned 
Maria Josefa does it : — 



" Tunny-fish {boiled). 

" Cut up the tunny-fish 
into pieces about the size 
of an orange, and allow 
them to soak in cold water 
for an hour or two. This 



" Atun (Jtervido). 

" Se escogen trozos 
gruesos del tamano de 
una naranja, se ponen en 
agua cla ra que se de- 
sangren por una 6 dos 



being a red-blooded fish, horas, y cuando se obser- 

it should be left in the va que estan blancos se 

water until it has lost the sacan del agua, y se les 

red appearance, when the pone a escurrir en un 

pieces of fish may be plato, echandoles sal que 



taken out, the water 
drained off, and salt 
thickly sprinkled over. 
Then put in to boil in 
hot water with a large 
white onion cut into quar- 
ters (or half an onion). 
When quite tender drain 
the wateroff and serve with 
the onion and white sauce 
served separately. 



puedan estar sabrosos. Se 
ponen A hervir con agua 
caliente y una cebolla 
blanca, en cascos ; cuando 
esten cocidos sirvanse con 
la cebolla y salsa blanca, 
servida separadamente. 



THROWN IN 275 

"Cocidas. — And now we come to cocidas, also known 
as olla podrida and puchero. It is absolutely impos- 
sible to escape cocidas in Spain. It is the joy of the 
rich, the refuge of the poor ; in fact, next to bread, it 
is the staff of life. Arroz a la Valauiana, as above- 
stated, is a feature of the table d'hote {la mesa redotnta, 
as we Spaniards say), and it is the daily dish of the 
elite, while the poor have it on extra occasions. But 
cocidas! cocidas.' I repeat, is the staff of life. It is 
eaten every day of the week in every home in Spain. 
It is the 'boarding-house hash ' of the land. Some 
Spaniards may not have eaten boquerones ; others 
perhaps have never tasted roast beef; many others 
have no idea of what tea is like ; but everybody in all 
the sunny land has eaten cocidas. Cocidas literally 
means ' boiled things.' There are different kinds of 
cocidas, but the basis of all is garbanzos, or chick 
peas. 

"Beginning with garbanzos, you can 'evolute' 
into any sort of cocidas you please. One develop- 
ment, the richer, is known as olla podrida, or 
pucliero. 

"When you see the Spanish gypsies camped by the 
roadside about a steaming puchera (pot or kettle), you 
may know the nasty things are brewing olla podrida, 
because they have been able to secure beef, ham, 
lamb, goat, chicken, and plenty of oil to boil with 
their garbanzos. 

" The best cocido is made in Catalunia, and this is 
the way Maria Josefa docs it. I give it you only in 



276 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

English, as I have got to the end of my kitchen 
Spanish ; here it is : — 

" Cocidas or P7ichero, or Olla Podrida. 

3 quarts of water. \ pound of chick peas. 

\ teaspoon of salt. I pound of beef or veal. 

5 ounces of fat salt bacon, i small tomato, 

i sprig of fresh green mint, i „ sweet green pepper. 

" The chick peas must be in cold water enough to 
cover them well during ten hours. Heat the water a 
little and put in the chick peas and half a teaspoon 
of salt. When the water boils put in the shank of 
beef, the five ounces of bacon, three ounces of ham, 
the tomato, the pepper, and the sprig of mint. 

"When the soup boils for three or four hours, or 
until the peas are tender, add the rice or vermicelli, 
for fifteen or twenty minutes, and serve. 

" I add here two other recipes of well-known 
Spanish dishes. 'You pays your money and you takes 
your choice ' ; they are all good, if plenty of olive 
oil and Spanish green peppers are used for the 
seasoning. 

" Polio con To mates. 

" (Chicken with Tomatoes.) 

" One chicken, cut in pieces, is fried in two ounces of 
lard until nearly done ; then it is taken out of the 
grease, and three egg-plants which have been peeled 
and cut in small pieces are fried in the same grease ; 
then they are put with the chicken, and three onions, 
and three sweet green peppers, from which the little 



THROWN IN 277 

pips have been taken out, are cut into slices and fried 
in the same grease until tender ; then the tomatoes 

are put in. Then the chicken and all the vegetables 
are again fried, with the addition of two spoonfuls of 
olive oil until the whole is thoroughly hot and well 
mixed. 

" Gazpacliuela or Oil Soup. 

" A mayonnaise made of the yolks of two eggs, two 
tablespoons of vinegar, a little salt, a little white 
pepper and oil, and three spoons of hot water. This 
is added to a quart of boiling water, in which has 
been put the two whites of the eggs and broken bits 
of white bread. The mixture becomes a savoury soup 
and must be served immediately. 

"Yours sincerely, BENJAMIN H. RlDGELEV." 

With regard to the " Polio con Tomates," I think 
that my friend has made a mistake in the amount of 
lard required and has put "pounds" for "ounces." I 
have taken the liberty of altering this, but if it is 
wrong the fault is my own. 

Being an Anglo-Saxon like myself he has not 
deigned to touch on the cookery of the small birds 
which formed such a staple dish at most of the 
country hotels. This, however, does not matter in 
our happy land, and I may say that undoubtedly the 
best part of them was the heavenly toast the)- came 
to table on, and the wine sauce that accompanied it. 
Knglish cooks do not, as a rule, excel in making toast. 
****** 



278 THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 

With regard to food generally, the nicest things in 
Spain are hot nuts, and the nastiest are all manner of 
pig-meats. 

****** 

And with regard to Spain itself the best things 
we found in it were the country, its inhabitants, and 
its climate. 

And — have I mentioned it before? — the worst 
things in Spain are — the ROADS. 

And as I have no words suitable for describing 
them, I will leave a very long blank here. 



INDEX OF PLACES 



A 






PAGE 




PAGE 


Bourg-Madam 


. 100 


Agde 


55 


Burgos 


. 207 


Albacete 


172 






Alberique 


•65 


C 




Alcantara (I'uente tie) 


185 




Alcazar 


172 


Cartillejo 


172 


Algemesi 


• 159 


Castellon 


. 148 


Almansa 


. 168 


Cette 


• 54 


Aranjuez 


172 


Ccvennes (the) 


62 


Aronys 


. 96 


Chinchilla 


. 172 


Armeria (the) . 


178 


Courceaux 


. 26 


Avignon 


5' 


D 








Darcey 


. 28 






Dax 


■ 234 






Dijon 


• 30 


B 




Durango 


. 215 


Badalona 


96 






Barcelona 


100 


E 




Bayonne 


22S 


Ebro, R. 


140 


Beaune 


3° 


Eiban 


. 215 


Beauvais 


18 


Elche 


! 57 


Bezalu 


79 


Escorial 


. 198 


Beziers 


61 






Biarritz 


211 






Biilassoa, R. . 


21 1 


I 




Bilbao 


213 


Figueras 


• 7" 


Bordeaux 


236 


Folkestone 


9 



279 



28o THE SOUTH-BOUND CAR 



\ 



Gerona 
Guadarrama . 
Golfe clu Lion 



Hendayc 



Irun 



II 



PAGE 

S6 
200 

54 



211 



211 



Jacur, R. 






165 


Jativa . . . 166 


L 


La Mancha . . . 171 


Labouheyre . . . 234 


Le Touquet . . .11 


Lyons . . . 43 


M 


Macon . 41 


Madrid 






176 


Mataro 






96 


Melun 






20 


Miranda 






2IO 


Monjuich 






ios 


Montbard 






26 


Montesa 






166 


Montpellier 






54 


Montserrat 






124 


N 


Narbonne . . 62 


Nimes 


. 


• 


• 53 



o 



Orange 



Pancorbo 
Paris 

Perpignan 
Perlhiis 
Pisuerga, R 
Pont-Remy 
Portal de Bara 
Prado (the) . 
Pyrenees (the) 



Rhone, R. 



R 



48 



210 
19 
65 
67 

205 
12 



130 
179 

65, 67, 80 



42 



Sagunto 


. 148 


S. Florentin . 


. 26 


S. Jean de Luz 


. 216 


S. Pol de Mer 


• 93 


S. Sebastian . 


. 216 


Saone, R. 


. 42 


Sens 


21 


Sitges 


. 129 


T 




Tagus, R. 


173, 185 


Tarragona 


• 131 


Toledo 


. 182 


Tonnere 


. 26 


Tomb of the Scipios 


• 130 


Tordera 


. 88 


Tortosa 


. 142 


Torquemada . 


79, 207 



INDEX OF PLACES 



Valencia 
Valladolid 

Vcndrel 
Versailles 



157 

204 

130 

20 



Viennes 
Villareal 



Yonne, R. 



28l 

I'AGE 

43 

148 



23 



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