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LIBRARY 

OF  THE 


MASSACHUSETTS 

AGRICULTURAL 

COLLEGE 

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in  2010  with  funding  from 

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NAME  IT 


October  1115. 


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ESTABLISHED  IN  1824  By  SAMUEL  BOWLES 

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HOW  TO  BE  A  SPORTSMAN 

1.  Expend  a  young  fortune  on  rods,  tackle, 
etc. 

2.  Subscribe  to  the  "Fisherman's  Review," 
the  "Ananias  Magazine"  and  the  "Munchausen 
Monthly." 

3.  Accumulate  a  large  stock  of  fishing  terms; 
these  will  add  fluency  and  local  color  to  your 
conversation. 

4.  In  order  to  get  accustomed  to  the  Pelham 
trout  brooks,  spend  one  hour  each  day  standing 
in  the  bath  tub.  (N.  B.:  The  bath  tub  should 
contain  ten  gallons  of  water,  and  a  cake  of  ice. 
Fragments  of  window  glass  on  the  bottom  of 
the  tub  will  heighten  the  realism.) 

5.  Practice  sitting  down  on  a  wet  sponge,  at 
the  same  time  looking  ofl'  into  vacancy  with  an 
egg-on-toast  expression. 

If  these  rules  are  carefully  followed,  you  will 
soon  become  an  expert,  and  unless  pneumonia 
intervenes  you  will  be  in  a  position  to  write 
exhaustive   treatises   on   "The   ESicient   Life." 


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IS 

EJ 

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Visitor — We  are  getting  up  a  raffle  for  an  old 
soldier.     Won't  you  buy  a  ticket? 

Miss   Innocence — Mercy,   no!     What   would   I 

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Campion 

College   Outfitter 

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Ready -to -Wear  Clothes 

1  ranscript 
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Our  Food  Has  That  Tasty  Taste  That  Reminds 
You  of  Home 

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On  the  Left  as  You  Enter  the  Campus 

MORE  INTERESTING  READING 

Student — I  want  a  Herodotus  trot. 
Bookseller — Here's   Vernon   Castle's    "Modern 
Dancing." 

— Williams  Purple   Coiv. 

UP  TO  HARVARD  BOY  THEN 

"May  I  come  nearer  you.'" 
"No:  I'm  afraid  if  you  do,  you'll — " 
"No;  honestly,  I  won't." 
"What's  the  use,  then?" 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 

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Done  by  Us  than 
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REMEMBER 

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For  $1.25 

Is  Absolutely  Guaranteed  to  give  Satisfaction  or 

money    refunded.       A    college    man's 

pen  at  a  college  man's  price 

L.  D.  KELSEY  '17  90  Pleasant  St. 

Phone  543  Amherst 


picture 
Iframing 


J.  Murphy  '16  P.  C.  Harlow  '17 

Agents  for  Miller  Co.,   Northampton 


THE  WIDOW 

War  Neavs 
Aggie's  asking  alms  for  the  artillery. 
Belinda's  binding  belly-bands  for  Belgians. 
Clara's  counting  conghdrops  for  Cossacks. 
Diana's  denting  dum  dums  for  Dragoons. 
EfBe's  etching  emblems  for  the  Ensigns. 
Fannie's  fetching  fishballs  for  the  Frenchies. 
Gaby's  gargling  goldfish  for  the  Germans, 
'attie's  'itching  'orses  for  the  Hinglish. 
Zona's  ironing  icebags  for  the  Irish. 
.Jennie's  joining  jewsharps  for  the  Japs. 
Katy's  killing  Kitcheners  for  the  Kaiser. 
Lizzie's  lifting  lingerie  for  Lancers. 
■  Mary's  making  moonshine  for  the  Monks. 
Nellie's  'nitting  nothing  for  the  Nuns. 
Olive's  opening  oysters  for  the  Old  Guard. 
Prunella's  painting  pretzels  in  Przemysl. 
Quola's  Ciuelling  quinzy  in  the  Queen's  Own. 
Rachel's  rolling  Rameses  for  Russians. 
SISTER    SUSIE'S    SEWING    SHIRTS    FOR 

SOLDIERS. 
Tillie's  toughening  tripe  for  two  tight  Teutons. 
Lima's  unwrapping  unionsuits  for  Uhlans. 
Viola's  vaporizing  Vodka  in  the  Vosges. 
Wilhelmina's  wishing  warts  on  AVilhelm. 
Xanthippe's  xhaling  xylophones  for  Xmas. 
Yenny's  yielding  yeastcakes  for  the  Yiddish. 
Zuzie  zaid  zhc  zent  zome  zoap  for  ze  Zuaves. 

— 2' he  Widow. 


MENTION  THIS  PUBLICATION  WHEN  SPEAKING  TO  THE  ADVERTISERS 


Prexy's  Choice 


rlORE    OF 

THtn  — 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 


F.  C.  LARSON  '17 
Editor-in-Chief 

A.  E.  LINDQUIST  '16 
Business  Manager 


L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 

Associate  Editor 
H.  M.  WARREN  '17 
Circulating  Editor 


C.  H.  HALLET  '17 


Art  Editors 
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H.  A.  PRATT  '17 


SI. 50  A  YEAR 

"QUID  AGIS  AGE 

AGGIE" 

15  CENTS  A 

COPY 

Published  Once  A 

Month 

All  business  communications  should  be  addressed  to  the  Business  Manager; 
communications  should  be  submitted  to  the  Editor-in-Chief ;  as  well  as  all  drawings. 

literary 

Vol.  II. 

OCTOBER, 

1915 

No.  4 

AGGIE  IS  HERSELF  AGAIN 

FTER  many  years  of  wearisome  stifling  of  the  spirits  of  loyal 
Aggie  men  under  the  domination  of  that  soid-repressing  thing, 
civilization,  it  gives  us  the  usual  great  pleasure  we've  noticed 
that  is  characteristic  of  all  great  publications,  to  chronicle  the 
advent  of  the  old  college  into  the  New  Freedom  at  last.  No, 
Hephzibah,  it  is  not  our  intention  to  intimate  that  anybody 
in  this  cradle  of  liberty  gave  vent  to  an  idea;  we  don't  go  in  for  that  sort 
of  thing  here,  y'know;  it  is  de  trop,  passe,  of  another  day  and  generation.  The 
incident  marking  the  initiation  of  the  new  epoch — heavens,  that  will  never 
do;  we  had  specific  orders  from  the  head  funny  man  not  to  pidl  any  words 
over  two  syllables,  lest  the  fellows  couldn't  understand;  well,  anyhow,  the 
thing  we  mean  is  the  summary  punishment  of  a  freshman  recently  by  one 
of  our  progressive  sophomores  for  the  gross  crime  of  having  omitted  to  educate 
himself  in  the  important  department  of  Aggie  slanguage.  (We  want  to  point 
a  moral  right  here:  English  is  a  decadent  mode  of  communication;  don't 
spend  your  time  learning  it;  it  isn't  worth  it,  and  furthermore,  in  our  most 
cultivated  circles  it's  considered  very  bad  form  to  show  any  knowledge  of  it 
— witness  the  fate  of  the  freshman  above  mentioned.  But  as  we  precede  our 
tale,  impossible  as  that  may  seem  for  any  animal  not  constructed  of  ridsber.) 
It  seems  that  the  aforesaid  member  of  the  entering  class  is  a  depraved,  hard- 
ened reprobate;  along  with  his  other  misdeeds  he  has  been  so  criminal  as  to 
have  been  born  in  a  foreign  country,  and  to  have  learned  English — we're 
as  much  pained  as  we  know  you,  gentle  reader,  must  be  at  this  recital  of 
the  depths  of  sin — in  a  school  where  only  the  highbrow  "pure  English"  was 
taught.  On  the  occasion  we  refer  to,  he  was  reprimanded,  so  our  informant  tells 
us,  by  one  of  our  worthy  upper-classmen  for  failing  to  wag  his  left  ear  with 
the  proper  acceleration  while  passing  a  cross-eyed  senior,  according  to  the 
sacred  tradition  of  old  Aggie,  and  was  so  impertinent  as  to  reply,  as  well  as  his 


detestable  language  would  permit,  that  he  didn't  understand  what  was  wanted  of  him.  The  soph- 
omore, righteously  indignant,  did  the  only  thing  left  for  him  under  the  circumstances — hit  him.  The 
freshman,  being  a  gentleman,  of  course  showed  no  pep,  and  the  incident  was  closed,  except  for  the 
meddling  activities  of  a  few  sympathizers  who  showed  their  traitorous  qualities  by  trying  to  induce 
the  '18  man  to  make  an  apology.  Of  course,  there  was  nothing  to  apologize  for — for  is  it  not  a  car- 
dinal rule  of  conduct  that  class  spirit  is  always  laudable,  no  matter  how  shown.^ 

This  little  encounter,  as  we  remarked  before,  is  tremendously  important  in  its  significance:  it 
is  the  beginning  of  the  end  of  all  the  old,  oppressive  foolishness  about  a  man's  having  rights  that 
other  men  are  bound  in  "honor"  to  respect,  and  with  the  silly  idea  of  honor  itself,  which  is  the  basic 
weakness  of  most  of  our  troubles,  as  our  readers  probably  well  recognize.  Instead  of  all  this  out-of- 
date  trash,  the  way  seems  to  be  opened  for  a  new  and  happier  regime  of  brutality,  class  domination, 
absolute  subjection,  total  annihilation  of  all  foolish  "rights"  as  students,  citizens,  human  beings,  or 
anything  else.  We  see  before  us  another  Golden  Age,  where  a  man — any  man,  or  rather  any  upper- 
classman — on  meeting  a  freshman,  for  instance,  may  take  his  exercise  and  satisfy  his  gym  credits  by 
promptly  knocking  him  down;  where  the  sophomores  shall  cast  aside  their  harmless  little  nail-studded 
boards,  fit  only  for  breaking  wrists  and  blackening  eyes,  on  the  eve  of  the  night-shirt  parade,  and 
blossom  forth  with  bowie  knives  between  their  teeth  and  a  double  battery  of  Colt  38's  in  their  belts. 
Ah,  then  will  be  the  glorious  times!  Then  will  pep  run  in  streams  a  foot  thick  over  the  campus,  and 
the  dear  old  football  team  sit  in  the  seats  hastily  vacated  by  the  present  faculty!  Then  they'll  all 
come  back  from  the  night-shirt  parade,  instead  of  a  mere  forty,  though  of  course  the  sophomores  will 
have  the  extra  expense  of  cartage.     On  with  the  good  work!     Kill  him,  he's  a  freshman! 


HE     student    body,     as    a     whole,     can     certainly     congratulate    our    fair    Co-eds    on 

their    establishment    of    a    sorority.      Let    us    hope    that    their    principles    in    years 

to    come,    in    increasing    their    numbers,    are    not    based    on    the    methods    used 

at    the    present    time    by    the    male    of    the    species.       May    we    ask    when    the 

goat  room  is  to  be  opened  for  inspection  by  the  students?     We  are  very  curious. 


m 


# 


¥F  things  keep  on  the  way  they  have  started  this  year,  a  man  won't  dare  to  go  to  Assembly 
*■  without  a  dollar  or  so  in  his  jeans.  When  no  one  can  think  of  anything  else  to  tax  the  Student 
Body  for,  a  collection  might  be  taken  up  to  bribe  the  Power  Plant  to  give  North  College  a  little 
hot  water  some  morning,  just  for  the  noveltj^  of  it. 

TPHE  old  Aggie  spirit  is  showing    up    this    year    as    never    before.   Did   you    notice    the    number 
*       of  Alumni  that  were  back  to  see  the  first  game  on  the  new  field,  and  to  help  wear  out  the  Drill 
Hall  floor  .^ 


3 


CJn     to    I  utX/ 


BIG  GUESSING  CONTEST 
A  La  Boston  Americanus 

SAD  news  is  never  cheerful.  Still  we  must 
tell  our  woeful  tale.  A  good  friend  (he  says 
he  is),  of  this  illustrious  publication  has  taken 
upon  liimself  the  sorrowful  duty  of  informing  us 
that  the  name  our  honored  predecessors  did 
.  bestow  on  this  paper,  brings  tears  to  his  eyes 
when  he  thinks  of  all  the  doleful  things  for  which 
he  claims  the  letters  in  this  name  stand,  and  he 
herewith  submits  for  public  sympathy  the  cause 
of  his  grief: 

W  stands  for  WIFE:  A  Bachelor's  finishing 
school. 

A  stands  for  APARTMENTS:  A  modern 
habitation  owned  by  a  promoter  of  race  suicide 
and  occupied  by  bachelors  and  childless  couples. 

R  stands  for  REMORSE:  In  man,  the  begin- 
ning of  Wisdom;  In  woman,  the  end  of  Indis- 
cretion. 

C  stands  for  CHINAMEN:  The  yellow  peril  to 
which  we  are  forever  exposing  our  fair  white 
bosoms. 

R  stands -for  RAILROADS:  Public  utilities 
chartered  to  run  from  Bad  to  AVorse  but  never 
on  the  level. 

Y  stands  for  YODLER:  A  piece  of  Swiss  cheese 
with  a  noise  at  every  opening. 

—  The  New  Foolish   Diciionari/. 

Now,  far  be  it  from  us  to  wish  to  be  the  inno- 
cent cause  of  any  flood  of  salt  water  which  may 
damage  the  town,  for  the  deluge  of  fresh  water 
we  had  this  year  was  quite  sufficient  to  rot  the 
potatoes  in  the  ground,  and  as  this  publication  is 
intended  to  be  the  original  gloom  chaser  and  not 
a  funeral  dirge,  we  have  decided  after  much  deep 
thought  and  deliberation  to  return  the  present 
name  to  the  worthy  organization  from  which  we 
have  a  suspicion  it  was  borrowed,  and  endeavor 
to  remove  the  cause  of  our  friend's  sorrow,  and 
incidentally  the  cause  of  the  long  faces  decorating 
some  of  our  other  worthy  friends  (no  names  men- 
tioned) for  who  can  tell  Init  what  it  affects  other 
people  in  the  same  way. 

We  have  discovered  a  perfectly  "supermili- 
gorgeous"  name,  which  ought  to  dispel  this 
mournful  feeling,  but  we  aren't  going  to  tell  you 


right  away  this  minute  for  we  want  to  give  you 
all  a  chance  to  guess  awhile.  We  want  to  see  if 
the  masculine  gender  of  the  species  called  "curi- 
osity is  as  well  developed  as  the  female  To 
make  things  real  lively  we  have  decided  to  have 
one  of  those  thrilling  guessing  games  or  contests 
in  which  the  man  endowed  with  the  largest  head 
invariably  comes  out  a-head,  that  is,  providing 
there  is  anything  in  it  (?).  We  will  allow  each 
contestant  three  guesses,  and  the  victorious  victor 
will  be  the  proud  recipient  of  a  magnificent  prize, 
the  nature  of  which  we  will  not  disclose  at  the 
present  time  as  we  don't  know  yet  what  the 
"left-overs"  will  be  on  this  issue,  but  we  can  con- 
fidently say  that  it  will  be  nothing  cheaper  than 
a  Ford. 

Of  course  we  know  how  cruel  it  is  of  us  to  keep 
you  in  suspense  thusly,  but  it  is  only  for  your 
own  benefit,  for  there  is  not  a  selfish  bone  in  our 
bodies.  You  see  we  have  figured  it  out  this  way: 
If  one  of  the  guesses  submitted  happens  to 
eclipse  our  own  bright  idea,  we  will  be  very  glad 
to  avail  ourselves  of  the  improvement  and  of 
course  we  will  award  the  munificent  trophy  to 
the  lucky  dog.  Here's  a  chance  in  a  lifetime 
fellow  sufferers,  to  annex  something  which  may 
come  in  handy  in  the  future.  Of  course  we  shall 
make  it  something  useful,  such  as,  for  instance,, 
a  baby  carriage,  a  powder  puff  or  a  spool  of  darn- 
ing cotton,  all  depending  on  the  size  of  our 
pocketbook  at  the  end  of  the  grand  rush  for 
copies  of  this  issue.  We  hope  you  will  be  con- 
siderate enough  not  to  submit  more  than  three 
guesses  as  we  cannot  afford  to  hire  more  than 
one  stenog.  to  handle  the  correspondence. 

With  kind  regrets, 

Editor  and  Staff'. 

P.  D.  Q.  We  forgot  to  ask  you  not  to  forget 
to  send  the  address  of  your  most  frequent  abode, 
whether  at  Hamp  or  elsewhere,  so  that  we  may 
wire  you  at  your  expense  upon  discovery  of  your 
victory. 

WATCH  FOR  THE  SOLUTION 

OF  THE  GREAT  MYSTERIE 

IN  THE  NEXT  NUMBER 

OF  THE 


=?     7 


w 


or  ni  blow  out  your 
"Vi     brains." 

"Blow  them  out  then.     I  need  my  money  to 
get  through  college." 


A  motor-cycle  in  the  early  stages  of  generation. 

(Commonly  known  as  the  puff,  puff.) 

Scene  at  Amherst  hen  coop. 

The  rider  has  been  arrested  for  speeding  on 
Campus. 

The  Rider  (you  know)  ajipearing  before  the 
judge. 

Judge — "What — overspeeding?" 

Culprit — "Yes,  your  Honor." 

Judge — "Were  you  driving  backward  or  for- 
ward?" 

Culprit — "  Forward  ". 

Judge — "Dismissed." 


How  TO  BE  Popular  at  College 
'HEN  your  roommate  begins  a  story  that 
you'  have  heard  before  (you  know  the 
kind  that  Doc  Seeley  objects  to),  always  interrupt, 
and  say  so.  Then  add  encouragingly:  "Whoa,  get- 
up,  whoa  back."  Maybe  some  of  the  other  boys 
haven't  heard  it. 

Be  intrepid.  When  the  rugs  are  pulled  back 
and  the  phonograph  started,  say  to  your  Smith 
partner:  I've  never  done  any  of  these  new  steps, 
but  I  don't  mind  trying. 

Be  helpful.  If  the  temperature  in  your  room 
in  the  Dorms  goes  down  to  — 273°,  don't  get 
fluffy  and  yell  out  of  the  window  "We  want 
some  heat."  Go  down  to  the  Power  Plant  and 
feed  the  furnace  with  a  few  pieces  of  coal.  This 
adds  greatly  to  the  evening's  gayety. 

Be  a  Comedian.  If  there  is  a  shy  person 
present,  for  instance  a  co-ed,  pounce  on  her  unex- 
pectedly, with:  "We  haven't  heard  a  word  from 
you.     Come — say    something    clever."  Thus 

everyone  is  put  at  his  ea.se,  and  your  friends  are 
relieved  of  much  of  the  burden  of  entertaining. 


WHAT  DO  YOU  THINK  OF  HER 
CARRIAGE,  BOYS.^- 


9 


Waiter   (in   German  restaurant) — Wasser.^ 
American  Girl  (flustered) — No,  Wellesley. 

— Dartmovth   Jack  O'Lardern. 


YEA,  VERILY 

Flo — "Do   you    think    a    girl    should   learn    to 
love  before  twenty.^" 

Fli — "Nope!    Too  large  an  audience." 

— Jack  0' Lantern. 


7  ?  7  7  ?: 


AT  THE  INFORMAL 

HE: — What  would  you  do  if  I  should  die,  Jack? 
'     Jack: — Start  a  bank  account  and  buy  a  car. 


f 


GAME  LAWS 

As  Drawn  up  by  the 
I  Tapa  Keg  and  Eata  Bit  a  Pie 

1.  Season  opened  until  Freshman  supply  wa.; 
exhausted  that  is — mating  time. 

2.  Baits  such  as  Pesse  Jomeroy,  William 
.Jennings — etc.,  are  illegal. 

3.  Pledge  buttons  must  not  be  placed  on  the 
cigarette  trays  as  samples. 

4.  Trapping  is  permitted,  but  the  victim 
must  have  at  least  one  hand  free  while  being 
pledged. 

5.  If  a  1919  man  should  escape  after  being 
captured,  he  cannot  be  retaken  and  is  open  game 
for  the  rest  of  the  hunting  packs. 

6.  Daily  limit  for  a  single  hunting  pack — 20 
Frosh. 


# 


THE  OFFICIAL  HUNTING  SONG 
OF  THE  FRATERNITIES 

Rooty  toot — toot,  "Oh  there  you  are," 

Sh ! — pst ! — List-en. 

Have  a  button  ready. 

He's  leaving  the  Hash-House — 

He's  coming  near — 

Brothers — he's  a  dandy. 

Suffocate  him  with  essence  of  pepjx'r  mint 

Tie  his  hands. 

He'll  be  a  Dandy 1 

We'll  get  him  or  break  his  neck. 
Silence — sh! 


FAIR    HARVARD? 

Massachusetts  Agricultural  College, 

Amherst,  Mass.,  Oct.  1,  1915. 

Mr.  Fred  C.  Kenney, 

Treasurer,  Mass.  Agri.  College. 
Dear  sir: 

This  is  to  inform  you  that — unless  you  leave 
$10000000000000000  under  the  bridge  at  the 
south  end  of  the  pond  your  job  will  not  be  worth 
much,  as  we  will  stop  eating  at  the  hash-house 
and  also  refuse  to  pay  any  more  bills  at  your 
office.  Do  not  attempt  to  communicate  with 
the  CJieese  of  Police  as  we  will  not  stand  any 
fooling  from  him.  Remember  lyou  are  watched 
all  the  time.     Beware 

Yours   truly. 

Black    Hand    of    the    Pelican    Club. 


Iw^vff 


O.VH  OF  THE  SOl'IIOMORES  TROTBLKS 


C.VMl  I  S  GLIMPSES 

Finish   of   I  lie  Cross   Country: — 
Shcriny.-iii    in    I  lie   liackground 


V      V      V 


DID  YOU  KNOW 

THAT  a  great  number  of  suckers  died  recently 
on  the  Campus.  Let's  hope  they  will  fill 
the  pond  soon,  so  1918  can  stock  it  again. 

That  the  heat  in  North  Dorm,  is  normal,  but 
the  hot  water  is  cold. 

That  a  box  marked  "Duffy's  Malt  Whiskey" 
was  seen  in  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.  office.  Would  the 
owner  please  call  and  claim  it,  otherwise — you 
know  ? 

That  if  all  the  cigarettes  smoked  in  a  year  by 
Aggie  students  were  joined  together  so  as  to 
make  one  long  cigarette,  it  would  be  long  enough 
to  serve  as  a  tight  rope  over  to  Smith,  and  it 
would  take  Ed  Hill  three  days  and  fifty  minutes 
to  walk  to  the  other  end  to  see  if  it  was  lit. 
RUB  IT  OUT— 

That  if  you  could  shoot  base-balls  out  of  the 
Army  rifle  the  Junior  Sharp-shooters  couldn't 
hit  a  bulls-eye  forty  feet  in  diameter  at  a  fifty 
foot  range. 


WE  DON'T  HAVE  TO  GO  TO  ATLANTIC 
CITY  TO  TRAVERSE  THE  BOARD  WALK 


THE  ZIEGFELD  FOLLIES  AS  WE  SEE  THEM 

MIDNIGHT  cabaret  with  eating   and    drink- 
ing   for    the    solace    of    persons    who    are 
afraid  to  go  to  bed. 

WHAT  THE  ACTORS  THINK  OF 
THE  AGGIE  BOYS 

MANAGER:— So  one  of  the   college   boys  hit 
you    with    a    tomato?     But    how    did    it 
raise  such  a  bad  lump  on  your  head? 

Actor: — Well,   you  see,   the   one   who  threw  it 
forgot  to  remove  the  can. 


THE  DEDICATION  OF 
STOCKBRIDGE  HALL 


SOB  SONG 

GONE  are  the  days  'neath  the  greenwood  tree. 
In  the  hammock  that  swung  in  the  breeze. 
Gone  are  the  days  that  passed  in  a  haze. 
As  we  sat  by  the  summer  seas. 
Shall  we  ever  forget — (Nay,  we'll   never  forget) 
The  hours  that  we  spent  on  the  shore, 
Where  we  walked  hand  in  hand 
On  the  silver-licked  strand 
And  fussed.     Fussing  is  never  a  bore. 


:V  > 


TWO  FRESHMEN  AT  SUPPER 

7NTER  two  freshmen  who  sit   opposite    each 
■^     other  at   a  table  in  the  Hash    House. 

1st  F.— "Hullo." 

•^nd  F. — "Hullo.     You  in  Animal  Husbandry 


1: 


1st  F. — "Yes."  (blase).  I  slept  pretty  well 
through  the  lecture  today." 

2nd  F. — (gasps). 

1st  F.   (disdainfully).— "Call  that  anything? 
Huh.    Cut  two  classes  since  I  been  here." 

2nd  F. — (laughs  to  show  appreciation  of 

deviltrjO- 

1st  F. — "And  last   night    (in   a   low   voice), 
drank  two  glasses  of  punch  at  a  Frat  house. 

2nd  F. — "Sh — not  so  loud — "  (points  to  dean 
who  happens  to  be  sitting  at  the  next  table.) 

Trembling  silence. 

1st  F.— Did  he  hear  me?" 

2nd  F. — "Don't  move,  he's  coming." 

1st  F. — "Perhaps  we  had  better  go." 

2nd  F. — Yes.  It  says  to  write  home  before 
the  office  does." 

1st  F. — (scared)  "I  can't  do  that.  It  would 
break  my  mother's  heart.  (In  burst  of  manly 
courage).  Rather  than  bring  my  fathers  gray 
hairs  to  the  grave,  I  will — . " 

Dean  approaches.     Air  is  breathless. 

Dean — "I'd  like  to  see  you  boys  in  my  office  to- 
morrow, if  I  may.  The  scholarship  committee 
informs  me,  etc.,  etc. 


o 


IF  the  whole  freshman  class  had  about  half  of 
*  the  "Peij"  that  their  co-eds  seem  to  have, 
there  wouldn't  be  a  daub  like  this  one  above. 


AFTER  THE  TUFTS  GAME 

SHE — "Oh  (hysterics)  are  you  really  from 
Aggie?  I  know  a  slew  of  Aggie  men.  Let 
me  see — now  isn't  that  funny?  I  can't — oh,  do 
you  know — er — Jack  Smusham? — No?  Well,  he 
is  not  very  prominent,  I  guess.  Let  me  see,  do 
you  know  Charlie  Ringem? — What  class?  Oh, 
I  don't  know  that.  I  think  he  has  graduated, 
though.  I  think  Aggie  men  are  wonderful? 
Isn't  it  funny,  I  should  never  have  guessed  that 
you  was  an  Aggie  man.  It  is  odd  that  we  have 
no  mutual  friends.  Yes,  of  course,  it  is  a  regular 
world  in  itself.  I  knew  so  many  Seniors  last 
year.  I  suppose  you  live  in  the  Dormitory.'' — 
No?  In  the  yard?  Tents  I  suppose!  That  must 
be  wonderful!  No,  I  had  the  worst  luck  about 
that.  I  was  going  with  two  Tufts  men,  but  they 
were  both  ill  on  the  eve  of  the  game.  I  intended 
to  cheer  for  Aggie  though. — Oh  where  shall  we 
go?     Any  place  you  say.   ..." 


The  peacock  is  a  beau- 
tiful bird,  but  it  takes  the 
stork  to  deliver  the  goods. 


AGGIE'S  RECORD  CLASS— 1919 


10 


DANGER— SAFETY  FIRST 

OUT  Damned  Spot!  Out  I  Say. 
Such  are  the  signs  of  wickedness  and  crime 
which  brand  the  headlights  of  our  human  edifice 
as  we  step  onto  the  battlefield  of  Amherst,  com- 
monly known  as  the  Rifle  Range.  Here  the 
groans  and  the  shrieks  of  our  former  classmates 
creep  in  through  the  cotton  batting  in  our  ears. 
Nevertheless  it  is  an  interesting  place,  for  when 
the  bullets  begin  to  whistle  and  run  wild  it 
reminds  one  of  Teddy's  cry  for  war.  Sherman 
never  spoke  any  truer  words,  when  he  said: 
"WAR  is  Hell."  So  say  we  the  brave  gladiators 
of  Companies  G  and  H. 

But — the  jokes — that  funny  feeling,  the  after- 
thoughts ahead  of  time  make  one  forget  the 
claws  of  death  that  ai-e  continually  reigning  over 
our  anatomies.  Hush — hush — there  is  a  sound 
of  footsteps  on  horseback — a  shriek,  a  cry — a 
noise  like  canned  tongue.  What  can  it  be???.''  Has 
one  of  our  brave  warriors  bitten  the  dust?  Lo,- 
Behold-,  there  a  few  feet  away  lies  a  corpse,  bare- 
faced; but  hardly  naked.  "Grab  his  hands," 
says  one,  "he  always  was  a  good  sort  of  a  fellow." 
"Doesn't  he  look  natural?"  says  another,  "and 
to  think  he  never  drank."  Such  is  the  discussion 
that  goes  on  amongst  our  comrades. 

But,  hark-  the  crisis  approaches,  for  the  youth's 
brain  has  been  penetrated  by  a  plum,  known 
among  our  Hash  House  Guards,  as  a  prune  in 
the  last  stages  of  consumption.  Alas,  look  at 
him,  his  face  is  so  smeared  with  red  corpuscles, 
and  so  mutilated  that  we  are  unable  to  identify 
him.  But  worry  not,  dear  readers,  Kraig  Cen- 
nedy  is  with  us.  At  first  the  great  detective  is 
dazed  and  puzzled.  "Give  him  air,"  says  Kraig, 
and  in  a  little  while  to  our  astonishment  a  squeaky, 
sneaky  sound  vibrates  from  the  mouth  of  the 
corpse  which  the  sleuth  records  in  the  following 
way: — 

Look  for  the  identity  of  the  Corpse  in  the 
next  numher 


^ 


'  I  'HE  battle  is  on  again: 

*  "Now  tomorrow  I'll  meet  you  in  Dr. 
Gordon's  Zoo.  Lab.;  it  won't  be  Zoology, 
either." 

# 

AMALGAMATED  CONVENTION  OF 
THE  PLOWING  AND  HOEING  SOCIETIES 

IT  is    with  great   pleasure  that  we,  the  under- 
scruples,    announce  the  above  current  event 
of  the  month.     Let  us  give  you  a  vague  gist  of 
the  proceeds  of  the  meeting. 
Paragraph  1. 

Meeting   was   called   to   order   at    our   regular 
meeting    place    behind    the    arena    at    4    A.  M., 
October  16,  by  our  most  worthy  chancellor,  Joe 
Pike. 
Paragraph  2. 

A  motion  was  made  and  passed  that  the  two 
teams  challenge  similar  teams  of  Harvard  and 
Yale. 

The  following  are  the  eligibility  rules  and 
requirements. 

1.     No  lazy  members  wanted. 

Each  member  must  suppl.y  himself  with  a 


9 

hoe. 

3. 
order 

4. 


Each  member  must  wear  suction  shoes,  in 

to  get  "sucked  in." 

Each    member    must    qualifjr    in    plowing 
curved  furrows. 

If  you  wish  to  become  a  member,  see  the  Head 
Coach  but  you  must  first  have  references  from 
"King"  Babbit  as  well  as  "Hap"  Day,  who  are 
charter  members   of  the   organization. 


WHY  NOT  SPRING  THE  QUESTION? 

"Say,  jeweller,  why  doesn't  my  watch  keep 
good  time?" 

"The  hands  won't  behave,  sir;  there's  a  pretty 
girl  in  the  case." 

— Cornell  Widotv. 


# 


BUT  HOW  MUCH  SHE  MISSES 

Josh — Is  she  refined? 

Frosh — I  should  say  she  is.     She  won't  even 
read  coar§e  print. 

— Pelican. 


11 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IX  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 

You   Want  the  Best  Fountain 

Pen  on   the  Marvel 

"What  is  the  charge  against  this  man?" 

Safety  is  the  Pen 

"Dressing  up  in  woman's  clothes,  your  honor." 
"Discharged!    He's  been  punished  enough." 

A  Seif-filHng  Pen,   Ground  to  Your  Own 

% 

Handwriting 

C.   H.  HALLETT,  '17          88  Pleasant  St. 

SIMPLIFIED  SPELLING 

The  dentist  had  just  moved  into  a  place  pre- 
viously occupied  by  a  baker,  when  a  friend  called. 

Get  in  Practice  for  the  Winter 

"Pardon    me    a    moment,"    said    the    dentist, 

Tournaments  at 

"while  I  dig  off  those  enamel  letters  of  'Bakeshop' 
from  the  front  window." 

MetcalFs  Bowling  Alleys 

"Why  not   merely   dig  off  the   'B'   and  let  it 
go  at  that?"  suggested  the  friend. 

— Boston    Transcript. 

Alleys  May  be  Reserved  in 

m 

Advance 

DOUBTFUL 

"Of  course  I  don't  wish  to  put  any  obstacles 

Delicious  Home-made  Candy 

in  the  way  of  your  getting  married,"  a  mistress 

at  the 

said  to  her  servant,  "but  I  wish  it  were  possible 
for  you  to  postpone  it  until  I  get  another  maid." 

College  Candy  Kitchen 

"Well,    mum,"    Mary   Ann   replied,    "I   'ardly 
think  I  know  'im  well  enough  to  arsk  'ini  to  put 

Ice  Cream                       Cigars  and  Tobacco 

it  off." 

— London  Standard. 

Open  until   12 

Newly  wed:    My    angel,    I    wish    you    wouldn't 

paint. 

Amherst  ^  mit  Store 

Mrs.    Newly  wed:   Now,    Jack,    have   you   ever 
seen  an  angel  that  wasn't  painted? 

—  Tit-Bits. 

Fresh  Fruit  and  Candy 

# 

Peanuts    and    Cookies 

MERE  CAFETERIA  DOPE 

Stude — Say,    waiter    do    you     call     this     bean 
soup  ? 

Garcon — The  cook  does,  sir. 

THEN  HE  IS  ALL  RIGHT 

Stude — Why,   the  bean  in  this  soup  isn't  big 

Hay — What  kind  of  fellow  is  Jones? 

enough  to  flavor  it. 

Bill — Well,  he  claps  at  the  motion  pictures. — 

Garcon — He   isn't   supposed   to    flavor   it,    sir. 

— California  Pelican. 

He  is  supposed  to  christen  it. 

' — Oregon  i  an. 

# 

WONDERFUL  SYMPATPIETIC  NERVES 

STUDENT'S  COURAGE  GOOD 

"Hey,  Steve,  you  should  see  my  father  when  he 

Tonsorial  Artist — And  what  will  you  have  on 

gets  angry,  he  gets  little  red  spots  in  each  cheek." 

your  face  when  I  finish  shavinjr  you? 

"That's  nothing,   when  my  dad   gets  angry  I 

Optimistic  Stude — Oh,  probably  l)olli  lips  and 

get  black  and  blue  so  I  can't  sit  down." 

part  of  my  nose. — Cornell  Widow. 

—Burr. 

THE  MEN  WHO  ADVERTISE  HAVE  SOMETHING  WORTH  OFFERING 


PATRONIZE  THESE  MEN  WHEN  IN  SOMERVILLE 


Largest   Restaurant   in   Davis   Square. 

In  Basement  of  Building  next  to 

Somerville  Theatre 

Morgan's  Lunch 

r^HM'^ 

UUIN  5 

iDollant)  Xuncb 

special  Rump  Steak    French  Fried  Potatoes  30c. 
21-23  HOLLAND    ST. 

Bings — "Say,  that  Miss  Peachee  is  pretty  fast, 
isn't  she?" 

Kinks — "Fast!     Why,   she  told   me  that  she's 
covered  five  laps  this  evening!" 

— Gargoyle. 

Marcus    F. — My   typewriter   needs    some   new 
ribbons. 

Intelligent    Clerk — Very    well,    sir;    blonde    or 
Ijrunette,   sir.'' 

— Bargoyle. 

Holz — "I  notice  that  a  million  dollars  is  spent 
every  year  for  soothing-syrup." 

Schniolz — "Hm — one    form    of    hush    money." 

— Jacl-  O'Lantern. 

Varied  Menu 

Special  Dishes             Turkey  Dinner 

Sirloin  Steak  and  French  Fried 
Potatoes 

Get  Your  Page  &  Shaws  for  the  Show  at 

Frank  W.  Wasson,  Inc. 

IPbarmacists 

Cigars                                           Cigarettes 

DAVIS  SQUARE 

t 

Jack's  Lunch 

.  Clean  and  Wholesome  Food 
18-19  HIGHLAND         -        -         AVENUE 

The  M.A.C.  Headquarters  for  smokes  Oct.  30-31 

Davis  Sq.  Smoke  Shop 

All  popular  10c.  cigars  7c. 

Cigarettes         Tobacco         pipes 

BECOME  EXPERTS  ON  POLES 

"I  see  that  the  German  barbers  are  going  to 
strike." 

"What's  the  matter,  are  they  all  going  back 
to  fight?" 

"No,  but  for  the  first  time  in  their  lives  they 
realize  that  a  Pole  is  more  than  an  ornament. — 

— Princeton   Tiger. 

# 

HOW  MINERALOGY  HAS  CHANGED! 

Professor — Name  the  largest  known  diamond. 
Mr.  A. — The  ace. 

— Calif  am  ia  Pelican . 

GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 


/Fleming's  ^oot  Shop 

211    MAIN    STREET 


Northampton, 


MASS. 


E.  Alberts 

IRegal  Sboes 

FOR  YOUNG  MEN 


241  Main  Street    Northampton 


THIS  IS  FINE  IDEA 

Bill — Hello,  old  top,  I  noticed  yoii  at  the  game 
with  your  wife  and  another  woman. 

Syl — Yes,   I  wanted  to  enjoy  the  game,   so  I 
had  to  provide  entertainment  for  Nellie. 

— Pennsylvania  Punch  Bowl. 

# 

OH!     THAT  GOLDEN  HAIR! 

Well,   George,  you  should  understand  that  it's" 
woman's  privilege  to  change  her  mind." 

"Yes,    dear.     And    her    form,    hair    and    com- 
plexion." 

— Illinois  Siren. 


RA^rilER  CHILLY  FOR  PAPA 

Mother — Now  go  kiss  nursie  good  night  and 
let  her  put  you  to  bed. 

Little  Helen — Don't  want  to.     She  slaps  folks 
that  try  to  kiss  her  now. 

Mother — Why,  what  a  story,  Helen! 

Helen — Well,   you   ask  papa  if  she   doesn't. 
— Dartmouth  Jack  o'Lantern. 

RATHER  CHEEKY,  ISN'T  IT.? 

Tess — Does  Fran  use  cold  cream? 
Bess — Yes,   she  puts  it  on  to  keep  the  chaps 
away. — Minnehaha. 


BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candies  & 
Ice  Cream 


247-249  Main  Street 


Northampton 


Butler  and  Ullman 

Formerly  H.   W.    Field 


1^ 


FLORISTS  TO  SMITH  COLLEGE 


H33mO 


g^,  opticians 


of 


Particular  Merit 


O.  I.  Dewhurst 

201  MAIN  ST. 

Opp.  City  Hall    Northampton 

Telephone  184-W 


ODE  TO  A  SHOWER  BATH 

O  varying,  versatile,  quick-changing  shower  bath. 
Just  cause  art  thou  to  arouse  all  of  our  wrath. 
Why   is   thy   temp'rature    constantly   altering. 
Causing  the  studes  to  be  constantly  faltering.'' 
Whether  or  no  to  dare  enter  thy  stream 
Of  icy-cold  water  co-mingled  with  steam.' 
Where  is  thy  source,  from  whence  cometh  this  water, 
That's  never  been  known  to  act  as  it  oughter? 
Why  does  the  liquid  thou  sputeth  and  spurteth 
Fall   with   such  force  it  invariably  hurteth? 
Then  suddenly  change  to  a  steam  full  of  tickle, — 
Why  art  so  frightfully  fitful  and  fickle.' 
O  shower  bath,  'tis  plain  to  see 
Thy  middle  name's  inconstancy. 

—  The   Widow. 


THE   MEN   WHO   ADVERTISE   HAVE   SOMETHING   WORTH   OFFERING 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


100  MAIN  STREET 


Northampton 


STONE'S 

The  Home  of  Great  Benjamin   and 
Washington  Clothing 


Knox  Hats  Just  Right  Shoes 

Arrow  Shirts  and    Collars 


BUT  WHY  BE  JEALOUS? 

Jingo — Is  there  any  difference  between  satis- 
fied and  contented? 

Bings — Is  there?  Well,  I'm  satisfied  Billings 
is  going  to  bring  my  girl  to  the  prom.,  but  hanged 
if  I'm  contented. — 

— Dartmouth  Jack  o'Lantern. 
A  VERY  CLOSE  SECOND 
Who  won  the  race  between  the  cabbage  and 
the  tomato? 

The  cabbage — it  came  out  a-head. 
What  happened  to  the  tomato? 
Oh,  it  couldn't  ketch-up. 

— Princeton   Tiger. 


For  a  tasty  Dinner  go  to 


tEbe  ©raper 

Served  in  Metropolitan  Style 
Banquets  a  Specialty 


NORTHAMPTON 


MASSACHUSETTS 


Prepare  for  Your  Trips  at 

W.  L.  Chilson 

Trunks       Bags      Suit  Cases       Horse  Goods 

Try  us  once  and  you  will 
try  us  again 


141  Main  Street 


Northampton 


Northampton 


Massachusetts 


IRabar's  ITnn 

The  Hotel  Where  There  is  Comfort  Without  Extrava- 
gance.      More   Popular   Than  Ever.      Special 
Luncheon  from  1 1 .30  to  2.00  p.  m.     Private 
Dining   Rooms.       A  la  Carte  Service 
6.30  a.  m.  to  11.00  p.  m. 


RICHARD  J    RAHAR, 


Proprietor 


HOW  COLLEGE  BOYS  CHANGE 

If  someone  makes  an  extended  answer  in 
class   while   a 

Freshman,  his  classmates  think:  "Bull"; 

Sophomore,   they  think   of  it   as:   "Grind"; 

Junior,    the   conviction   is:    "Courage"; 

Senior,  the  opinion  is:   "Education." 

— Pennsylvania  Punch  Bond. 
APT  TO  BE  TOO  STRENUOUS 

The  Poet  (flapping  virtuous  pinions) — I  just 
hate  to  hear  a  woman  swear,  y'know. 

The  Girl  (swinging  him  with  both  barrels) — 
Yes,  some  of  you  men  just  can't  stand  compe- 
tition in  any  line.      — Dartmouth  Jack  o' Lantern. 


R.  F,  ARMSTRONG  &  SON 

Young  Men's  Suits 

Our  young  men's  suits  are 
built  to  fit  you  as  though 
made  to  your  measure.  They 
impart  to  the  college  man 
the  air  of  well  bred  distinc- 
tion that  marks  a  man  ot 
good  taste. 

When  in  Hamp.  come  in 
and  try  on  one  of  our  Young 
Men's  Suits. 

$12.50  to  $25.00 

80  MAIN  ST. 
Northampton,    -  Mass. 


Order  Cooking 


Specials 


When   In   Hamp  Visit 

The  Elms  Restaurant 

Best  Quality  Food  Moderate  Prices 

C.  J.  PANOS,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET  NORTHAMPTON 


GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


Rn   Appeal 


#  <§>  ^ 

Men,  we  are  a  growing  college,  so  there  is  no  reason  why  we 
should  not  have  a  monthly  publication  similar  to  the  Harvard 
Lampoon,  the  Dartmouth  Jack-o'-Lantern  or  the  Princeton  Tiger. 

We  can  only  have  this  if  the  student  body  co-operates  with 
the  board  of  editors. 

Don't  sponge  on  the  other  fellow — buy  a  copy  of  your  own. 

Patronize  the  men  who  advertise  in  our  columns.  It  is  they 
who  make  possible  at  all  this  publication.  The  larger  the  circu- 
lation, the  more  ads  we  can  get,  and  the  larger  the  paper  will 
become — so  get  behind  and  boost. 

Alumni  and  faculty,  subscribe  for  this  magazine.  It  will  make 
you  smile  and  keep  you  young. 

To  be  entered  at  the  Amherst  Postoffice  beginning  next  number. 

Subscriptions  $1.50  per  year,  including  the  two  large  holiday 
numbers.  '' 


Enter  the  Grand  Prize  Contest.  A  Easy  Way  to  Get  Rich  Quick, 
Tear  Out  the  Coupon  and  Fill  in  the  Name  You  Wish  this  Paper  Live 
up  to. 

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e      o. 


o    ■<--. 


^7 


-..^^M^ir    of  ^ 

f"EB  2  41916 

i  ; 


L^O     -J 


PLYMOUTH  INN 


A  High-Class  Hotel  desirably  located  for 

Colleoe  IPationaac 

Especially  suited  to  the  requirements  of 

tourists  on  account  of  its  pleasant 

location 


American  and  European  Plans 
Special  Attention    to   Banquets 


a 


'^ 


XafMe/d 


ry. 


(Sfutlrmpu'a  iFurnialjtiin  (^ooiia 

179    MAIN    ST.,      NORTHAMPTON 

Our   clothes  have  that  perfect  style,    that 
puts  the  dash  into  a  man's  appearance. 

Our  shoes  add  the  snap  that  counts, 

And  our  Haberdashery  completes  the  smart- 
ness that  is  so  necessary  for  the  college  man. 

A  visit  will  convince  you. 


Be  A  Tailored  Man 


From  now  on,  men,  watch  this  space.  I  am 
starting  a  selling  campaign  at  Aggie.  I  want 
more  Aggie  men  among  my  customers.  My 
work  is  excellent,  my  prices  low.  Be  a  tailored 
man,  it  lends  you  distinction,  and  it  is  cheaper 
in  the  end.        :  :  :  :  : 


I.  M.  LABROVITZ 


P.  S.     For  perfect  satisfaction  in  your  clean- 
ing and  pressing,  try  my  system.       :     :     :     : 


Suggestions  to  Students 
to  Patronize  Advertisers 


Men  \\\\o  advertise  are  progi'essive. 
They  have  confidence  in  their  Avares.  It 
Avill  pay  you  to  visit  them,  and  when  you 
do,  let  them  know  j''ou  are  an  Aggie  man. 
It  advertises  the  college  and  it  will  make 
a  man  feel  that  it  is  a  good  investment 
to  advertise  in  a  Massachusetts  jjublica- 
tion. 

Tlic  ultimate  reward  comes  to  you. 
Increase  in  advertising  makes  possible  a 
larger  and  better  paper.  It  will  help  both 
the  Collegian  and  the  Squib. 


CO-OPERATION   IS   THE    KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


Announcement 


T   TAVING  sold  my  interest  in    Springfield,    I 
have  equipped  my  new  quarters  in  North- 
ampton with  the  most  up-to-date  equipment  for 
testing  eyes. 

Do  not  put  off  having  your  eyes  examined 
any  longer.  I  guarantee  you  a  careful  exam- 
ination and  lenses  that  fit  your  eyes. 


Burdick  Opticians  Co. 

H.   E.   BURDICK,    Optometrist 


56  MAIN  ST.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Opposite  First  National  Bank 


MERRITT  CLARK  &  CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 
This  is  the  only  Northampton  Store  Showing  the  Renowned 

^nrtrtg  Irani  (Clnttf^s 

"For  Young  Men  and  Men  Who  Stay  Young" 


$ 


20  to  *30 


Clothes  that  set  the  standards  of  men's  fashions. 
Ulti'a  modish,  with  all  the  "pep"  that  genius 
can  put  into  garments  and  tailored  to  perfection 
by  tailors  who  are  masters  of  their  craft. 

The  "College  Room"  is  Abloom 
With  New  Society  Brand  Models 

Newly  from  the  Society  Brand  Tailor  Shops — 
every  one  with  the  unmistakable  earmarks  of 
artistic  genius  and  highest  skill. 

Foreign  and  domestic  suitings  in  patterns  tow  in 
instant  approval. 

Agents  for  "PATRICK"  Mackinaws 


School  and  College 


IPbotograpbers 


Wm.  G.  Bassett,  Pres.  F.  N.  Kneeland,  Vice-Pres. 

Oliver  B.   Bradley,  Cashier 


First  National  Bank 

Northampton 


52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


Main  Studios:    1546-48   BROADWAY 
New    York  City 


Do    Your   Banking   Business   with  Us. 

Deposits  Received  by  Mail  will 

be  Promptly  Acknowledged 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


XLnkc  a  trip! 

Our  Fall  lines  of  clothing  and 
correct   accessories   cannot   be 
equalled    in   price   or   quality. 
Come   in  and  see  for  yourself 

Sanderson  &   1  hompson 

Get  in  Practice  for  the  Winter 
Tournaments  at 

Metcalf's  Bowling  Alleys 

Alleys  May  be  Reserved  in 
Advance 

"The  Store  with  the  College  Atmosphere" 

College  Drug  Store 

ICE   CREAM        CANDIES        CIGARETTES 

A  STRANGE  REQUEST 

Mrs.  Gadsby — If  any  caller  should  ask  for  me 
or   Mr.    Gadsby,   Nora,   just  say  there's  nobody 
home. 

New     Maid     (astonished) — But     you     said     I 
wasn't  to  use  slang.  Ma'am! 

—Puck. 

For   a   Delicious   Luncheon   or   Dinner    Bring 
Your  Guests  to  the 

Amherst  House 

Catering  to  House  Parties  a  Specialty 

J.  GINSBURG 
Modern  Shoe  Repairing 

Buy  a  Shine  Ticket— 23  Shines  $1.00 
Black   or   Tan   Shoes 

lU  AMITY  ST.                               AMHERST 

Copies  of  the 

Squib 

May  be  bought  at  the  College  Store 

A  REMEDY 

"She  doesn't  like  her  new  gown.     It's  pretty 
and  all  that,  but  she  thinks  it  still  needs  some- 
thing to  improve  its  shape." 

"Well,    why    doesn't    she   let    some    other   girl 
wear  it?" 

— New   York  Sun. 

NOT  HIGH  GRADE 

Irate    Motorist — Say,    this    darned    car    won't 
climb  a  hill!     You  said  it  was  a  fine  machine! 
Dealer — I  said,  "On  the  level  it's  a  good  car." 

— California  Pelican. 

A          An  Economical          ^ 
^          Christmas  Gift          ^ 

Our  Food  Has  That  Tasty  Taste  Which  Reminds 
You  of  Home 

North  Knd  Lunch 

On  the  Left  as  You  Enter  the  Campus 

A  COLLEGE  CALENDAR 

PUBLISHED    BY  THE  ATHLETIC   FIELD   FUND 
Every  Calendar  Helps  The  Field 

SEE 

CURRY  S.   HICKS.                                         HAROLD  L.  SULLIVAN,     18 
FORREST   GRAYSON,  '18                          ROGER  CHAMBERS,   '18 
NALCOME    MARS,   '17 

CO-OPERATION   IS   THE   KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


UNEEDA  LUNCH 

LABROVITZ  BLOCK 

Steaks  and  Chops  Our  Specials.     Come 

here  for  especially  delicious 

Oysters  and  Scallops 

in  season. 

'*^or  the  1  ,and's  Sace" 
Bowker 

soPHo:sroRE  soxnet  subjects 

"To  Billy's  Ford." 

"On  the  Death  of  Tich's  Dog." 

"How  "We  Love  Arcella,  or  Vorticella  Wc  Have 

in  Our  House." 
"To   My   Beloved   Master,    Charles   Chaplin." 
"Congratulations  to  the  Dean  on  the  Arrival  of 

HENRY  ADAMS  CO. 

ttbe  no.  H.  C. 

Candies  and  Ices     Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 

"Inspirations    Drawn   from    My    Fountan    Pen." 
"Thots  on  the  Car  to  Hamp." 

"What  mo'  kin  you  ask,"  said  Brother  Williams, 
"than  three  good,  squar"  meals  a  day,  a  shelter 
from  de  winter  wind,  an'  a  liope  dat  Christmas 
won't  be  too  long  a-comin'?" 

— Atlanta   Cnngtitiitioii . 

Compliments  of 

R.  D.  Marsh  Estate 

STUDENT  FURNITURE 

Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served  in 
the  most  modern  manner  at  the 

COLONIAL  INN 

At  the  entrance  to  the  campus 

Take  Thought!     Take  Heed! 

With     several     other      companies     competing,     lasts     year's 
senior    committee    voted    unanimously    to    let    Barlow    insure 
them  in  the  Connecticut  General — a  company  in  which  most 
of  the  seniors  were  personally  insured  already. 

See  BARLOW                  Over  the  Savings  Bank 

For  the  Latest  Magazines,  Post  Cards  and 
Stationery  of  all  Kinds  Come  to 

A.  J.  Hastings 

i'tattntirr  nnh  Npuiafiral^r 

The  Squib  sold  here 

NOBODY  HOME 

Tish — And  believe  me,  she's  some  girl. 

Tush— Clever? 

Tish — Oh,  very!     She's  got  brains  enough  for 
two. 

Tush — Just  the  girl  for  you — Why  don't  you 
marry  her? 

— Awgiran. 

GILMORK     TIIKATUK 

THE     HOME     OF     BURLESQUE 

Four  Days  Every  Week.  Beginning  Wednesday 

MATINEE  DAILY 

CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


Compliments  of 

A  J.  GALLUP  INC. 

We   sell 

Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx  Clothes 


293-297  HIGH  ST., 


HOLYOKE,   MASS. 


BOLLES' 

College  %Shoes 


MODERN  REPAIR  DEPARTMENT 


TABOOED  TOPICS   (Lacking  Seriousness) 
"Thots  Returning"  (from  above) 
"The  Squib." 

"On  My  First  Invitation  to  Come  Over  Sunday." 
"Heart  of  Alonzo,  Unbroken." 
"Heatness    and    Light,    or    the    Growth    of    the 

Power  Plant." 
"Banded    Together    in    a    Common    Cause — To 

Make  Noise." 
"Would  That  I  might  Rise  at  Dawn." 
"On  the  Possibilities   of  a  Five   Spot." 
"The  College  Senate." 


DOOLEY'S  INN 

HOLYOKE 


The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds  for 
Ye  Aggie  Men 


MEALS   SERVED    AT   ALL     HOURS 


INCONSISTENT 

"Then  you  don't  think  I  practice  what  I 
preach,  eh?"  queried  the  minister,  in  talking  with 
one  of  the  deacons  at  a  meeting. 

"No,  sir:  I  don't,"  replied  the  deacon.  "You've 
been  preachin'  on  the  subject  of  resignation  for 
two  years,   an'  ye  haven't  resigned  yet." 

—  Tit-Bits. 


o  •  '^ 


A  GOOD  OPENING  FOR 
FRESHMEN 

# 

Patronize  Our  Advertisers 


THE  PROSPECT  HOUSE 


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ATTR 

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TO    TRANSIENTS 

TELEPHONE 


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i 


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^i tetanic  )'/i/io^M 


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a/i  ot/im<^   t/uHf/^ 


S^  ume  cnanae  me  all  ^nau  note; 
^of-  on   tnat  da  if 
^an   tv^   not  iU'U 

^ne  lit^Keif  ti  t/ie  aoatP 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 


F.  C.  LARSON  '17 
Editor-in-Chief 

A.  E.  LINDOUIST  '16 
Business  Manager 


C.  H.  HALLET  '17 


Art  Editors 
F.  K.  BAKER  '18 


L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 
Associate  Editor 
H.  M.  WARREN  '17 
Circulating  Editor 


H.  A.  PRATT  '17 


$1.50  A 

YEAR 

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AGGIE" 

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CENTS  A 

COPY 

Published  Once  A 

Month 

Ail  business  communications  should  be  addressed  to  th 
coinmimications  should  be  submitted  to  the  Editor-in-Chief ;  as 

e  Business  Manager; 
well  as  all  drawings. 

literary 

Vol. 

II 

NOVEMBER, 

1915 

No.  5 

THANKSGIVING 

QUIBBY  conceives  Thanks- 
giving as  a  student's  day  of 
thanks,  and  as  he  recollects 
back  to  the  period  after  the 
good  old  Roman  days  he 
finds  Shakespeare  muttering: 
"How  sharper  than  a  ser- 
pent's tooth  it  is 

To    have  a  thankless 
student." 

To  us  Thanksgiving  sig- 
nifies "eats,"  good  "eats,"  and 
friend,  our  dearest  friend,  and 
last  but  not  least,  a  gluttonous  appetite.  This  shift  combination  can  not  be  equaled.  The  dig- 
nified turkey  although  known  as  the  King  of  Them  x\ll,  rests  peacefully  sizzling  away  in  the  oven, 
realizing  that  the  heaven  he  perceived  was  far  different  from  the  one  which  he  attained.  But  think 
of  our  dear  little  tape-worm,  who  shouts  with  glee  at  the  thought  of  Thanksgiving,  for  to  him  "What 
is  so  rare  as  a  bit  of  turkey."  The  poor  half-starved  creature  in  his  abode  is  accustomed  to  hash, 
and  re-hash  and  then  some.  Is  it  not  a  miracle  that  this  poor  unsophisticated  young  one  should 
not  have  previously  died  in  vain? 

But  Squibby  protests  against  gluttony  and  says,  "Do  not  worship  the  food  that  you  slip  down 
your  oesophagus  but  be  thankful  that  you  are  still  alive  and  leading  the  jolly  life  of  M.  A.  C.  students. 
We  may  be  thankful  that  the  old  "Aggie  Pep"  still  exists,  although  the  Freshmen  have  not  as  yet 
grasped  the  real  significance  of  it.^   Another  cheering  circumstance  fitted  to  increase  witli  us    one 


14 


THE    SQUIB 


thankfulness  is  the  development  of  "leadership"  which  the  football  team  has  demonstrated  to  the 
public.  Last,  and  foremost  of  all  we  may  be  grateful  that  "Prexy"  has  fully  decided  to  remain 
with  us,  for  we  all  know  that  under  his  leadership  the  college  has  flourished  and  will  continue  to 


flourish. 


14-13 


So  let  us  all  be  thankful,  although: — 

Our  allowances  do  not  increase  proportionately  to  the  taxes  levied  at  Assembly. 
The  ubiquitous  omnipotent  Dean's  Board  makes  us  cognizant  of  the  fact  that  we  still  have  a 
Faculty. 

We  are  still  required  to  attend  classes  occasionally. 

The  Informal  Committee  does  not  provide  the  "Gallery  Gods"  with  opera  glasses  at  the  informals. 

We  have  not  as  yet  received  invitations  to  witness  the  mitiatory  exercises  of  our  Co-ed  sorority. 

STILL  BE  THANKFUL,  for, 

The  B.  &  M.  still  continues  to  run  to  Boston  and  toothpicks  are  selling  for  the  same  price. 

14-13 

CO-EDS  AND  FELLOW-BEINGS,  MR.  SQUIB 

The  staff  takes  great  pleasure  in  introducing  to  you,  Mr.  Squib,  who  from  now  on  will  fill  the 
vacancy  left  by  Mr.  War  Cry  the  deceased  husband  of  Salvation  Army  Nell.  Because  of  Squibbifs 
bashfulness  we  deem  it  essential  that  we  should  give  you  a  few  reasons  why  he  should  appear  as 
the  title-holder  of  this  paper. 

In  the  first  place,  Mr.  Squib,  as  he  is  understood  by  authors  of  fame,  has  the  honor  of  having 
a  name,  which  although  short,  has  several  meanings.  He  is  understood  by  them  as  a  firework,  a 
flashy  fellow,  making  a  noise,'  but  doing  no  great  harm.  He  sometimes  assumes  the  spirit  of  a  rocket, 
and  is  so  thought  of,  because  of  his  ability  to  dart  or  flash  along  swiftly.  Often  times,  he  appears 
in  the  spirit  of  a  whip,  because  he  is  the  instigator  of  speed.  But  foremost  of  all  he  is  a  great  writer 
of  satyr  as  well  as  scribbler  of  wit  and  sarcastic  speech. 

Thus,  fellow-beings  receive  him  with  open  arms  and  possibly  his  influences  may  help  to  put 
a  little  speed  into  our  systems  where  it  is  most  needed.  Then  here's  to  Squibby,  let  us  break  one 
more  bottle  of  Bryan's  grape  juice  on  his  witty  dome,  and  christen  the  paper  after  him.  Mr.  Squib 
step  forward  and  let  them  look  you  over. 

Finally,  let  us  not  overlook  the  various  names  which  were  suggested,  for  we  are  "noochal"  and 
do  not  desire  war.  Therefore  to  avoid  any  broken  bones  we  have  decided,  that  the  bright  one  who 
passed  in  the  name  "The  Green  Rooster"  was  favored  by  the  "Goddess  of  Chance"  and  consequently 
receives  a  subscription  to  "The  Squib"  for  one  year. 

14-13 

There  isn't  a  man  on  the  campus  who  hasn't  a  good  word  for  the  team  and  the  coach.  Let  us  be 
thankful  that  we  have  had  such  a  well  liked  and  experienced  man  as  Doctor  Brides.  Let  us  do  all 
in  our  power  to  keep  him  here,  for  with  his  services  Aggie  will  never  lack  a  good  football  team. 

What  are  they  saying  at  Springfield?      "Sh — Sh — ".     "You'll  find  out." 


15 


THE    SQUIB 


A  PROTEST 

The  Turkey — "No  Sir:  nothing  like  that  in  our 
family. 


16 


—THE  SQUIB^= 

AS  WE  SAW  THEM  AT  THE  MASS  MEETING 


As   "Billy"   imagined   us   after  the  Tuft's   Game 

# 

"SUPPOSED  TO  BE  THE 
GERMICIDAL  PERIOD" 

INSTRUCTOR— Suppose    a    cow    is   milked   at 
^     6  o'clock,  what  time  is  it  at  6.45? 
Student — I  don't  know. 

# 

THE  REASON 

WHY  do   they  call  a  tugboat  'she'?  " 
Said  the  girl  to  the  mate  of  the  Thistle. 
"I  dunno,"  says  he,  "but  it  seems  to  me, 
That  it  must  be  they  call  her  'she' 

On  account  of  the  awful  noise,  you  see 
She  makes  when  she  tries  to  whistle. 


YEA  AMOEBA 

A  good  way  of  getting  in  free  to  the  game. 


CONCERNING  A  BIRD 

A  TURKEY  is  a  wondrous  bird 
And,  by  a  method  cunning 
It  often  Lasts  upon  my  word 
For  thirty  days  hand  running 
It  lasts  so  long  upon  the  hoof 
So  long  upon  the  dummy 
That  even  Tish's  dog  (if  he  were  living)  stands 

aloof 
When  Hannah  boils  the  mummy. 

17 


THE  SQUIB 


PRrXE!  PRUNE!  PRUNE! 

A   Dessertation 
"If    this    be    Kultur,    make    a    kick    about    it." 

Prunella. 

THE  fo:ail)ination  of  gridiron  contests,  political 
rejoicing  (or  \veeping),  affairs  of  the  heart, 
major  pursuits  and  minor  difficulties  should  not 
by  any  means  be  the  only  filling  of  the  cerebrum 
grooves  of  the  Aggie  man.  Three  times  a  day 
(or  moi'e)  he  seeks  a  quiet  environment,  and 
tliere,  excluding  all  sordid  worliUy  thoughts  from 
his  throbbing  brain,  he  communicates  with  his 
inner  self.  The  period  of  revery  is  brief,  but  of 
what  importance'  What  have  been  the  messages 
which  flashed  into  that  inner  receiver?  They 
are  measured  by  a  sort  of  esthetic  vector,  cjuality 
X  and  quantity  Y  being  the  components.  -  The 
quantity  is  voluntary  within  a  certain  limit.  The 
quality  is  involuntary,  of  a  retiring  nature,  and 
often  beyond  the  limit.  In  pursuance  of  this 
unknown  or  doubtful  value  X  let  us  orient  the 
problem  through  the  planes  of  Zoology,  Physics, 
Chemistry,  Agronomy,  Pomology,  Pathology, 
Dietetics  and  world-wide  Humanitarianism.  As 
an  example,  let  us  consider  an  example  which 
though  simple  in  appearance  is  infinitely  complex, 
and  therefore  offers  a  wonderful  opportunity  to 
the  student  for  close  observation,  cogitation,  and 
moral  determination.  I  refer  to  the  pep-less 
prune. 

Zoo-illogicalh^  considered,  the  Prune  belongs  to 
the  inanimate  world,  and  is  willing  to  share  its 
belongings.  In  the  first  place,  it  is  always  com- 
po.sed  of  the  same  invariable  constituents — '■! — 
and — ! — in  equal  proportions.  Fortunately  for 
man  tJie  prune  does  not  reproduce  itself.  The 
prune  course,  often  repeated,  has  as  its  pre- 
requisite a  good  digestion  and  a  varsity  stomach. 
It  responds  to  no  stimulus  known  to  the  collegiate 
world,  except  to  an  awayward   motion. 

It   is   classified   as   follows: 
.     PrunuH  desertus 
Grade,  Itiferioris 
Phylum,  Getsuzoa 

Cla.ss,  Pecidiaris 
Sub-Class,  Frequentis 
Order,  Indif/estibilia 
Sub-Order,  Damnae 

Genus,  Fnuuiti     Species,  desertiis 
Ex|>lanalion  of  terms  in  the  classification: 

TJie  worrl  Prune  is  a  niisnomer.  Prune  really.^ 
really  ineanscull.  The  grach'  is  tfio  ol)vious  to 
requii'c  ex])]anation.  (irtsvzoii  refers  to  the  ])sy- 
chologica!  effect  on  Ihe  linm.-ni  animal.  'I'he 
class,  I'ccidiari.s,  imlii-ales  llial  Ihe  I'l'uiie  is  in 
a  chiss  by  itself,  odd,  bizai-re,  bill  iiol  rare.  The 
Siil)-Class  inriicates  lis  general  a  ppe.iranee;  the 
Order  inr-lndes  the  I'niiic  and  lliose  Ml  lie  sugared 
po'mnies-de-rthere     wliii-li      cnnie      in      ebislei's     of 


three  and  are  usually  left  in  the  triplet  formation. 
The  title  of  the  Sub-Order  is  a  well  known  French 
expletive,  meaning;  "toward  an  obscure  des- 
tination." The  genus  requires  no  genius  to 
understanil,  l>ut  tlie  species  desertus  indicates 
the  reaction   of  Homo  sapiens  on   it,   that    is,   a 


OwiDu/i 


'poaHjm  ryjar 


negative  accompaniynent  of  the  deserted  dessert. 

The  Prune  is  a  non-succulent  devoid,  having 
a  slight  i)rojection  on  the  front  known  as  the 
panteria.  This  is  the  part  by  which  it  is  placed 
in  the  pan,  the  panhandle  so  to  speak.  The 
malniitriuK  is  an  impossible  underspasm.  The 
fi/ebers  are  tough,  solid  strips  with  a  powerful 
defense.  The  POSTUM  REAR  indicates  that 
they  follow  breakfast  food  eagerly.  They  are 
inadvertently  fossil,  however.  The  EXTER- 
MINATUS;  the  name  indicates  the  tendency; 
is  the  (s)hell-like  outer  region.  The  INFERNIS 
is  the  horror  horribilium  of  the  Prune,  which  is 
exceeded  in  low  character  of  texture  only  by 
the  GONBIUS,  an  area  which  increases  in  size 
as  the  specimen  adds  birthda^ys.  This,  Phil- 
osophomores,  et  al.,  is  the  Zoology  of  the  Prune. 
Specimens  may  be  seen  at  Draper  Museum, 
where  there  is  no  caretaker  and  where  the  Curator 
doesn't  do  his  duty. 

Physically — but  it  isn't  all  coming  now,  NO, 
"not  by   any   means." 

Continued  in  our  next — The  Squib  article,  not 
the  genuine  article — we  hope  not  the  latter. 
Meanwhile,    beware. 

\       , 


._-^ 


"Had  I  a  home  Colonial,  with  furnishings 
baronial,  I  miglil.  feel  matrimonial — but  NOT 
on   six   a  week. 


THE     SQUIB 


THANKSGIVING 

B/1-LOTAHE 

f/earfresh  t-^rh^^ 
HarJUodsJpofahs 

JJurn  dum^ 

he 

Ice  l/cLter 


HEROES 

Some  heroes,  probably  the  first  time  they  did  it. 
Moral:  Never  again. 

# 

SONG  FOR  THANKSGIVING 

(Sung   to — We're   on   the   field) 

WHEN  around  the  dish  you  slide  and  slip 
And  do  gymnastics  jerky 
It's  tough  on  you,  but  don't  you  think 

It's  tougher  on  the  turkey? 
Then  rally  around  the  table  boys,  and  tickle  the 
bird  a  bit 
For  if  you've  had  experience,  j^ou'll  know  just 
where  to  hit 

(Chorus) 
Then  crash  through  the  turkey  boys? 

And  batter  down  it's   wings 
Eat!     Eat!     As   much  as  you   can,   until   you're 
satisfied 
For  Thanksgiving  day  is  here.     Rah!   Rah! 
Then  remove  one  of  it's  legs, 

And  partake  of  a  little  bread 
Use  a  little  gravy,  and  you'll  soon  be  hazy 
Swallow  a  little  piece  of  its  heart 
F.  O.  B.  AMHERST  For  you'll  then  be  ready  to  depart 

Is  it  good    sound  farm  practice  to  play  football?      To  eternity  where  dreaiis  come  true. 


19 


THE    SQUIB 


FOOTBALL  EXPRESSIONS 

50—50 
Who  is  going  to  get  her? 


20 


THE  SQUIB 


ENTOMOLOGY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT 

The  Earwigs 

THESE  insects  were  formerly  called  earwiggles, 
due  to  their  annoying  habit  of  wiggling 
their  ears  whenever  an  enemy  approached.  In 
the  course  of  time,  the  name  has  been  shortened, 
but  the  ears  appear  to  be  as  long  as  ever.  The 
earwigs  are  characterized  bj^  a  small  pin-shaped 
head,  and  mouth-parts  for  chewing  and  spitting. 
They  take  their  food  wherever  they  can  get  it, 
and  are  said  to  be  unsanitary  in  their  personal 
habits.  Earwigs  travel  chiefly  by  night,  but  as 
they  do  not  carry  a  light  it  is  hard  to  find  them 
except  by  the  smell.  In  some  districts  they  ai-e 
very  injurious,  owing  to  their  habit  of  eating 
the  corks  out  of  beer-bottles,  and  then  falling 
into  the  bottles.  To  avoid  this,  the  ingenious 
householder  should  open  the  beer  bottles  as  soon 
as  they  are  delivered,  disposing  of  the  contents 
in  any  way  that  appeals  to  him.  Treatment: 
Where  earwigs  are  too  numerous  and  militant, 
steps  should  be  taken  to  step  on  them.  A  man 
should  never  attack  them  single-handed:  he  will 
need  the  use  of  both  hands  and  feet.  For  indoor 
work,  the  hunter  will  find  it  desirable  to  use  a 
force  of  beaters.  These  beaters  can  be  obtained 
at  any  rug  and  furniture  store,  for  25  cents  each. 
In  New  Jersey,  earwigs  are  exterminated  by 
boring  holes  in  the  floor.  The  earwigs  are  unable 
to  see  the  holes,  as  there  is  nothing  there  for  them 
to  see.  Consequently  they  will  fall  down  into 
the  cellar,  where  they  are  killed  by  the  accelera- 
tion ... 


Which  Will  You  Have,  Boys,  Chicken  or  Turkey.? 


CHANGED 

1^0  longer  does  he  say  "Goldarn," 

*~      "Gewhittaker '"    nor   yet    "Consarn," 

Nor  does  he  chew  a  wisp  of  straw 

Or  laugh  with  rasping  Haw-Haw-Haw 

Or  dress  in  clothes  that  do  not  fit. 

Or  with  fool  schemes  get  often  bit. 

He  drives  no  shaggy,  limping  "skate" 

His  motor  car  is  up  to  date. 

His  clothing  now  is  in  the  style 

Sophisticated  is  his  smile 

His  wife  wears  costumes  in  the  mode 

And  modern  quite  is  his  abode. 

His  children  all  to  college  go 

And  system  lets  him  profits  show 

He  works,  and  yet  has  time  to  play — 

This  is  the  farmer  of  today. 

A  CONFESSION  OF  AN  M.  A.  C.  STUDENT. 

¥  AM  a  Thanksgiver. 

*     I  have  a  generous  and  grateful  nature. 

I  also  have  a  splendid  appetite,  depending  on 
where  I  eat. 

I  also  am  always  ready  to  have  a  holiday. 

I  look  forward  to  the  last  Thursday  in  November 
with  considerable  pleasure,  thinking  of  the 
"doings"  in  my  own  home  town. 

I  know  of  course,  that  when  I  do  get  a  square 
meal  I  am  going  to  eat  too  much;  but  at 
the  same  time,  I  will  have  plenty  of  leisure 
in  which  to  digest  it. 

I  have  a  vague  notion,  furthermore,  that  I  am 
somehow  eating  in  a  good  cause. 

I  conclude  that  all  the  Hash  House  Guards  are 
in  the  same  boat,  and  that  as  a  matter  of 
fact,  it  is  a  hollow  ceremony,  without  force 
or  effect,  except  perhaps,  as  a  sacrifice  to 
the  God  of  Gluttony. 

I  am  sorry  to  reach  this  conclusion  but  I  can 
find  no  other  way  out  of  it. 

I  am  a  Thanksgiver. 

21 


THE  SQUIB 


NOTICE 
^X7E  have  procured  the  services  of  Miss  Sau 
'  '  Sage  at  a  very  high  compensation,  to 
conduct  a  matrimonial  bureau,  using  the  columns 
of  this  paper  as  a  medium.  She  will  upon  request, 
if  satisfactory  references  are  furnished,  secure 
introductions  to  blonds,  brunettes,  or  strawberry 
blonds,  according  to  individual  taste. 

She  will  also  answer  all  questions  regarding 
love,  sentiment  and  marriage  (also  divorce,  if 
necessarj') . 

Below    you    will    find    letters    from    two    love- 
smitten   swains    with    the    valuable    advice    Miss 
Sau  Sage  has  given  in  answer  to  same. 
Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

I  am  a  young  gentleman  (if  I  may  call 
myself  such)  of  uncertain  age,  deficient  in 
the  knowledge  of  love.  I  am  in  love  with 
a  beautiful  blond,  yet  I  am  not  certain  that 
I  do  love  her.  My  symptoms  are  peculiar. 
I  adore  her  when  in  her  comjDany,  but  when 
away  from  her  my  thoughts  wander  to  some 
other  blond.  What  would  you  do?  Give  her 
up  and  never  see  her  again. ^ 

Thanking  you  for  your  kind  consideration, 
I  am. 

Your 

Hopeless  Jack. 
P.  S.     She  is  very  rich. 
Dear  Hopeless  Jack: 

To  judge  from  your  letter  I  should  say 
there  are  a  FEW  things  you  don't  know. 
Of  course  if  you  will  meet  me  some  evening, 
I'll  soon  tell  you  if  you  are  a  gentlemen  or 
not,  and  perhaps  I  will  be  able  to  tell  you 
approximately  how  old  you  are  also. 

I'd  advise  you  to  stick  to  her  and  marry 
her  as  soon  as  pos.sible,  and  if  it  is  still  a  case 
of  "out  of  sight,  out  of  mind",  just  extract 
her  money  and  shoot  up  the  town  with  the 
other  blond. 


COPH:  I  understand  they've  adopted  military 
*^     training  at  Smith. 

Fre.sh:  Gwan. 

Soph:  Straight  dope,  (io  over  to  Hamp  any 
Saturday — you'll  see  half  of  Smith  College  up  in 
arms. 

CHE:  Do  you  use  tlic  Moiilessori  system  at 
*^     Aggie? 

He:  Xo,  we  use  tlic  iJrides  svstcm. 


f INKS— What's  that  fellow  eating    toast    for? 
I  didn't  know  he  was  an  athlete. 
Skinks — Oh,  he'.s  Iniiiiing  for  lljc  ucxl  iiif(ii-m;il. 


Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

Last  week  I  attended  a  party  at  the  home 
of  a  friend,  and  there  I  met  a  charming 
young  lady  whom  I  would  like  to  get  better 
acquainted  with.  She  has  a  beautiful  face, 
but  she  weighs  210  pounds.  I  am  asking 
your  advice  as  to  how  I  could  hug  her. 
Yours  in  doubt, 

I.  M.  Nuttie. 
My  dear  I.  M.  Nuttie: 

My  advice  to  you  is  to  tear  this  fair  vision 
out  of  your  heart  at  once,  and  think  no 
more  of  her.  In  the  first  place  it  would  be 
rather  damaging  to  parlor  furniture  which 
would  have  to  support  you  while  courting, 
and  secondly  it  would  be  rather  damaging  to 
your  pocket  book  after  marriage  to  feed  and 
clothe  this  baby  elephant. 

If,  however,  your  affections  have  liecome 
so  fir:aily  rooted  that  they  cannot  be  uprooted 
try  this  formula  in  hugging  her. 

Take  a  piece  of  chalk  in  either  hand  and 
when  you  have  your  arms  around  her  as  far  as 
you  can  reach,  make  a  chalk  mark  to  show 
where  you  left  off,  then  go  around  to  tlie  other 
side  and  make  up  the  deficiency.  I  hope  this 
will  help  you  out  of  your  embarrassing 
position. 


DE  MEAT  OF  IT 
jTVEY  say  dat  turkeys  am  outer  sight, 
*-'     But  what  do  ah  care  fer  dat? 
Dey  say  de  taters  done  got  de  blight. 
But  what  do  ah  care  fer  dat? 
Lor  bress  yer,  honey,  'taint  what  yer  eat, 
Dat  makes  T'anksgiliben  day  so  sweet; 
'Tis  de  smile  an'  laugh,  an'  grasp  er  dc  hand! 
Dat  makes  dat  day  so  mighty  gran'. 
So  don'  yer  mind  what  de  croakers  say, 
But   meet   all  folks  in  yer  hapjiies'  way, 
Fei-  dill's  what  makes  T'anksgibben  day. 


22 


THE  SQUIB 


THANKSGIVING  HERE  AND  THERE 


23 


Just  to  Bring  a  few  Memories  Back  to  You 
(Sobs)  And  to  think  winter  is  coming  soon. 


24 


SOON? 
Just  Released  by  the 
SOAP  FILM  SYNDICATE 
DAIVD  LASKY  PRESENTS 
LULU  LOCKE  (SMITH)  in 

"A  MURDERER'S  LOVE" 

WILL  APPEAR  AT   THE   FOLLOWING 
THEATRES, 

Howard  Athaeneum,  Boston. 
Gaiety    Theatre,    Boston 
Poli's  Palace,  Springfield 
Aggie  Movietorium,  Amherst. 


DELINQUENCY  BLANK 

Millinery  Department, 

Amherst,  Mass.,  June  1,  1920 
The  Adjutant,  Corps  of  Cadets: 

Sir: — The    following    Cadets    are    reported    for 
Horrid  Behavior: 

NAMES  DELINQUENCY 


Algernon  Dub 

Percy  Frankfurt 
Cholley  Pinochle 
Reginald  Rausmitem 
Willie  Winkle 


Using  rank  language  in 
the  ranks. 

(Culprit  said   "piffle"). 

Failure  to  have  nose  pow- 
dered. 

Black  shoes  (instead  of 
dancing  pumps). 

Giggling  at  the  Com- 
mandant. 

Failure  to  bring  Official 
Book  of  Etiquette  and 
Dancing  Regulations. 


THE  SQUIB= 


THE  PROGRESS  OF  HASHING 
A  PIN-DERRICK  ODE 
THE  STOVE 

HOW  we  miss  thee,  old  Dog-cart 
Without  thee  now  the  place  is  bare; 
Though  many  others  do  upstart, 
Like  Aggie  Inn,  now  standing  there. 
'Tis  crowded  with  them,  but  I  miss 
Thee,  old  Dog-Cart,  and  all  that  bliss 
Which  once  was  mine,  with  coffee  and  with  roll: 
Late  breakfast,   supper,   lunch  and   midday  loll. 
Those  were  the  happy  days  of  youth, 
With  credit  good,  though  dimes  were  few; 
I  shared  the  stories  told,  forsooth, 
And  mustard  drove  away  the  blue. 
The  broken  steps,  the  rich  red  glass, 
We  often  watched — and  cut  a  class. 
# 
THE  UNDERTOAV 

THEN   came  the   change;  commercial    chance 
Upon  the  campus  brought  me  then; 
They  took  thee  off,   a  circumstance 
Removing  thee  from  out  my  ken. 
And  now — I  sit  down  to  a  table 
And  eat  what-not,  as  best  I'm  able. 
There  is  a  weary  bill  of  fare. 
Without  thine  old  esthetic  air; 
And  now  with  muffin  and  with  beans 
I  choke  and  think  of  other  scenes 
That  was  the  life,  in  good  Bohemia's  school, 
When  you  could  sing  and  kick  and  tilt  your  stool. 


THE  ANTIDOTE 

13  UT  while  I  pay  my  board 

•*-'     For  four  weeks  at  a  time, 

I  fain  would  give  my  scanty  hoard 

To  be  with  thee,  the  object  of  my  rime. 

The  Chicken  dinners  have  to  me  no  taste, 

The  weakly  ice  cream  is  a  weakly  waste; 

I  feebly  play  with  napkin,   knife  and  fork, 

I  sit  and  ponder — no  desire  to  talk. 

Ah,   would  that   I   could  rise  tomorrow   morn 

And  to  thy  welcome  door  fast  run, 

No  linen  tablecloth,   no  signing  on. 

Just    bowl,    and    spoon,    and    flakes — that's    fun. 

That  cannot  be;  but  I  know  why 

My  eye  grows  bright,  my  throat  grows  dry. 

When  mention's  made  of  good  old  days, 

My  heart  for  one   more  banquet  prays. 

But  if  in  thy  new  town  thou  seest  my  grin. 

Slide  open  wide  the  door  and  I'll  come  in. 


PEPTONES 

PADDLE  your  own  canoe — and  every  Fresh- 
man. 
Buy  THE  SQUIB  or  be  a  Simple  Sponge  ("I 
Grantia  that.") 

For  a  mental  stimulus — read  "The  Collegian." 
Wed.,    Nov.    17,    6    p.  m.:    Don't    sew    on   the 
button,  do  not  clean  your  gun. 

For  the   D — d — drill  is   over,    and  our  victory 
is  won. 


George  Ray  '16, 
L.  H.  Johnson, 


CONTRIBUTERS 
J.  F.  Whitney  '17, 
A.  Campbell 


L.  C.  Higgins  '18, 
E.  B.  Hill  '17 


THE    LAST 


25 


IPictiue 
Jfraniintj 

J.  Murphy  '16                       P.  C.  Harlow  '17 

Agents  for  Miller  Co.,   Northampton 

Our    Motto   is    "SERVICE" 

**Ye    Aggie    Inn" 

"EVERYTHING  IS  SO    TASTY" 

Student  Supplies  of  all  Kinds  in  our  Store 

You  Want  the  Best  Fountain 
Pen   on   the   Market 

Safety  is  the  Pen 

A  Self-filling  Pen,   Ground  to  Your  Own 
Handwriting 

C.   H.   HALLETT,   '17          88  Pleasant  St. 

College  Barber 

Spencer  '18 

HOURS: 
Monday,      Tuesday,      Thursday 
and    Friday,    3.00   to  8.00   p.    m. 
Wednesday.   6.30    to    8.00    p.    m.                          x    •!    i     A    i"   I                  CI 

Saturday,  8.00  a.m.  to  2.00  p.  m.                  1  oilet  Articles  on  aale 

Class  and  Fraternity  Pipes 

Mountings  in  Silver 
Initials  on  ferrule       M  and  numerals  on  bowl 

See   CHIP  BOYD  or  WILLIS  '19 

A  gift  that  will  spread  Massachusetts  over  the 
country  and  is  sure  to  please 

Christmas  Sale  of  Banners 

At  the 

College  Store 

Get  our  prices  before  buying  elsewhere 

GOOD  ENOUGH,  AFTER  ALL 

"I  cm  givz  you  a  cold  bite,"  said  the  woiian. 
"Why  not  war:n  it  up?"  asked   the  tramp. 
"There  ain't  any  wood  sawed." 
"So?     Well,  give  it  to  me  cold." 

— New    Vorl:   Sim. 

ACADEMY  OF  MUSIC  PROGRAM 
LADIES  FIRST 

Indignant  Husband  (to  man  who,  while  stand- 
ing in   a   train,   has   been  thrown   against  a  lady 
and  used  bad  language) — How  dare  you  swear, 
sir,  before  my  Avife? 

Passenger — I'm  awfully  sorry,  sir — A-ery  sorry 
indeed!     You     see     I     didn't     know     your     wife 
wanted   to   swear  first. 

— Sfrai/  Stories. 

THE  FAMOUS  NEW  YORK 

Kirkpatrick  Shoe 

Exclusive    Lasts 

Don't    "BUM"    Paper  From  Your   Room-mate 

1  heme  or  Practice  Paper 

Ruled  or  Unruled                    Punched 

500  Sheets       -       70  Cents 
LATHAM   '17                               MERRILL  '17 

BOYD  '18                                             WILLIS  '19 

THE  :MEX  who  AI)\ER:JTSE  have  SOMETHIX(i   WORTH  OFFERING 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


G,  Henry  Clark 

iUatcb  maker 
and     Iciocler 

Fine  Watch  repairing  of  all  grades  of  American 
and  Swiss  makes.     French  and  American  Clocks 
repaired   and   guaranteed,    will   call   for   and 
return.  Official  Watch  Inspector  for  B.  &  M.  R.R. 

76  Main  St.,  Northampton 

Prices    Carved    for     1  hanksging 
lime  Traders  at  Daniel's 

MIGHTY  SAVINGS  and  a  MONSTER  STOCK 
Daniel's  prices  are  possible  only  to  Daniel  and 
are  produced  through  immense  spot  cash  buying 
direct    from    manufacturers — not    through    any 
scrimping  in  value. 

OVERCOATS 

Sensational    Selling   at   $9.98,    $12.50,    $15.00 
HARRY  DAN  I FJ,                   Northampton,  Mass. 

"  lOHNNIE!" 
J      "Yes'm." 

"Why  are  you  sitting  on  that  boy's  face.'" 

"Why,  I—" 

"Did  I  not  tell  you  to  always  count  a  hundred 
before    you    gave    way    to    passion    and    struck 
another  boy.''" 

"Yes'm,  and  I'm  doin'  it;  I'm  just   sittin'   on 
his  face  so  he'll  be  here  when  I'm  done  countin' 
the  hundred." 

— Houston  Post. 

FATHER'S  KIND 

li^  OTHER— AVhat   kind   of   a   show   did   papa 

A'^     take  j'ou  to  see  while  you  wei-e  in  the  city.'' 

BOBBIE — It  was  a  dandy  show,  mama,  with 

ladies  dressed  in  stockings  clear  up  to  their  necks. 

—Pud;. 

¥  ¥E — Are  your  feet  tired,  darling.' 
ri     Her— No.     Why? 

He — Would     you     mind     dancing     on     them.' 
Mine  are. 

— Michigan    Gargoyle. 

Custom  Clothes  $15  to  $50 
GEORGE  C.  LEE  Representing 

Browning,  King  Company 

Announces  that  he   may  be  seen  now  at  August 
Tailoring    Rooms,     Sherwin's    New     Block,     on 
Wednesdays,      other      days      by      appointment. 

Address  mail  to  South  Deerfield,  Mass. 

Order  Cooking                                                                   Specials 

When   In    Hamp   Visit 

The  Elms  Restaurant 

Best  Quality  Food          Moderate  Prices 
C.  J.  PANOS,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET                                  NORTHAMPTON 

^^^\  Northampton  Art  Store 

\rl           ^  ^pwtaltij 

Live   Agents   Wanted   at  M.  A.  C. 
At  Once 

GET    IN    FOR    CHRISTMAS    BUSINESS 

Near  Smith  College 

PRIMA  FACIE  EVIDENCE 

Professor — You  have  a  wonderful  talent  for 
painting ! 

Muriel — Dear  me,  professor,  how  interesting! 
how  can  you  tell.' 

Professor — I  see  it  in  your  face! 

# 

She — You're  a  fool  to  hesitate. 

He — Wise  men  hesitate — only  fools  are'certain. 

She — Are  you  sure? 

He — Certain. 

— Pennsylvania  Punclihowl. 

GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS   A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 


/Fleming's  ^oot  Jhop 

211  MAIN  Street 


NORTHAMPTON, 


MASS. 


E.  Alberts 

IRegal  Sboes 

FOR  YOUNG  MEN 


241    MAIN  STREET      NORTHAMPTON 


NO  CLUE 

JNIaud — What    was   in   that   last   package   you 
opened? 

Beatrix — My    Christmas    present    from    Aunt 
Janie. 

Maud— What  is  it? 

Beatrix      (ghxncing      at      gift-bag) — She      has 
neglected  to  say. 

— Life. 


AGAIN  THE  TEMPTER 

The  sailor  had  been  showing  the  lady  visitor 
over  the  ship.     In  thanking  him  she  said: 

"I  see  that  by  the  rules  of  your  ship  tips  are 
forbidden." 

"Lor'   bless   yer   'eart,    ma'am,"   replied   Jack, 
"so  were  the  apples  in  the  Garden  of  Eden." 

—  Tit- Bits. 

# 

"But  I  haven't  enough  work  to  keep  an  able- 
bodied  man  like  you  busy." 
"Oh,   I  sha'n't   mind   that." 

— Houston  Post. 


BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candies  & 
Ice  Cream 


247-249  Main  Street 


Northampton 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

^he  JeWel 
Store 

Also  THE  WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

,  Telephone  1307-M 


Opticians 


Particular  Merit 


O.  I.  Dewhurst 

201  MAIN  ST. 

Opp.  City  Hall     Northampton 

Telephone  184-W 


AMBIGUOUS 

Uncle  Sol  threw  aside  the  letter  he  was  reading 
and  uttered  an  exclamation  of  inrpatience. 

"Doggone!"  he  cried,  "why  can't  people  be 
more  explicit?" 

"Wliat's  the  matter,  pa?"  asked  Aunt  Sue. 

"This  letter  from  liome,"  Uncle  Sol  answered, 
"says  father  fell  out  of  tlie  old  apple  tree  and 
broke  a  limb." 

—  Young stown   Telegram. 


THE   MEN   WHO   ADVERTISE   HAVE   SOMETHING   WORTH   OFFERING 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


PHELPS  &  GARE 

112  Main  Street     Northampton,  Mass. 


"Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to  look  over 
our  stock  at  any  time. 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton ,  Massachusetts 

EUROPEAN     PLAN 


The    Best    Place    To     Dine 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 

ALL     KINDS     OF      SEA      FOOD 

50-CENT  LUNCHEON  FROM  11-30  TO  2  P.  M. 

Special  Dishes  at  All  Hours 


R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


A  HAPPY  POSSIBILITY 

"Let's   drop  into  this  restaurant." 
"I  don't  believe  I  care  to  eat  anything." 
"Well,   come  in   and   get   a   new  hat   for  your 
old   one,    anyway." 

— Boston    Transcript. 


She — I  cannot  accept  the  offer  of  your  love. 
He — I  will  he  just  as  well  satisfied  if  you  return 
it.  — Baltimore  American. 


TREBLA  BROS. 

Wholesalers  and  Retailers 

IN 

FRUIT  &  PRODUCE 


Tel.  665 


265  MAIN  ST 


Northampton,  Mass. 


R.  F.  Armstrong  &  Son 

A  Pleasing  Fit   Here 

Always 

Until  a  man  is  satisfied  with 
the  fit  of  his  clothes  We're  not  satis- 
fied to  take  his  money — the  transac- 
tion is  closed  only  after  the  fit  is 
right. 

Cheerfully  we  make  needed  alter- 
ations— cheerfully  plan  to  please. 
Why  not  since  a  man's  trade  is  won, 
and  held,  only  when  things  go  right? 
We've  got  to  please  with  the  fit  if  We 
expect  to  profit  through  faith  of  the 
man  who  comes  here  to  buy. 

Prices  $8.00  to  $25.00 

80  Main  St.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


Competition  Still  On 

Business  and  Editorial 
Department 

Men   Wanted  From   Each 
Class 

Hand  Names  in  at  Once 


"Is  she  really  musical.^" 

"A  genuine  artist.    You  should  hear  her  refrain 
from  singing." 

—Life. 


Mr.  Borem — Shall  we  talk  or  dance .^ 
jNIiss  Weereight — I'm  A-ery  tired.     Let  us 
dance. 

— Boston    Transcript. 


GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


Jhe  J4otel  is)orthy 

The  Home  of  College  Men  When  in  Springfield 

Special  Attention  to  College  Dinners 

Centrally  Located  Exceptional  Cuisine 

Complete  in  all  Appointments 


303  MAIN  STREET 


Two  Minutes  Walk  From  the  Station 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

U^rinting 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

IPrintitiG— IRuling— BinMno 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


Transcript 
Photo  Engraving  Company 

NORTH  ADAMS,  MASS. 

Engravers  of  Merit 


We  Solicit  Work  in   College 
Publications 
Get  Our  Rates 


oLC    'Z  a  1915 


PLYMOUTH  INN 


A  High- Class  Hotel  desirably  located  for 

College  IPatronage 

Especially  suited  to  the  requirements  of 

tourists  on  account  of  its  pleasant 

location 


American  and  European  Plans 
Special  Attention    to   Banquets 


I.  M.  LABROVITZ 

The  Quality  Tailor 


HE  season  for  dress  suits  is 
coming  again. 

Every  collage  man  needs 
one,  and  a  dress  suit  should 
of  all  clothes  be  tailor  made. 
Due  to  the  the  dull  season  for  tailors, 
I  am  offering  now  special  rates. 

Every  garment  to  be  of  perfect  fit 
and  best  material. 

Next  time  you're  down  town  come 
in  and  let  me  show  you. 

Dress  suits  for  rent 


(Spittlpmfu'a  iffitrntal)tng  ^oaba 

179    MAIN    ST.,      NORTHAMPTON 


Our  clothes  have  that  perfect  style,   that 
puts  the  dash  into  a  man's  appearance. 

Our  shoes  add  the  snap  that  counts, 

And  our  Haberdashery  completes  the  smart- 
ness that  is  so  necessary  for  the  college  man. 

A  visit  will  convince  you. 


Advertising  Chats 


®  ® 


Do  you  realize  that  the  fifteen  cents  you 
paid  for  this  number  is  just  about  onehalf 
of  its  individual  publishing  cost. 

The  men  who  bought  space  in  the  Squib 
are  the  ones  who  paid  the  rest. 

.  Just  as  a  courtesy  to  them,  next  time 
you  have  occasion  to  purchase  something 
give  them  a  chance  to  show  you  what 
they  have  to  offer. 

They  vv^ill  appreciate  it  too,  if  you  just 
mention  that  you  noticed  their  ad  in  the 
Squib. 


Squibby  takes  this  opportunity  to  wish  all  its 
advertisers  and  supporters  a  Very  Merry  Christ- 
mas and  may  your  next  year  be  even  more 
prosperous  than  the  one  just  past. 


CO-OPERATION   IS   THE   KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


"The  Machine  You  Will  Eventually  Buy" 

Ifnden^ood  J't/pewriter 

The  Solid,  Speedy  Machine 
That  Will  Give  the  Best 
Results  for  the  Longest 
Time  Easy  Payment 


I 


Fl 


IB 


ilOd 


Springfield  Office  234  WORTHINGTON  ST. 

C.  H.  PRENTICE,  Manager 


Wm.  G.  Bassett,  Pres.  F.  N.  Kneeland,  Vice-Pres. 

Oliver  B.   Bradley,  Cashier 

First  National  Bank 

Northampton 


Do    Your   Banking   Business   with  Us. 

Deposits  Received  by  Mail  will 

be  Promptly  Acknowledged 


School  and  College 

ipbotOGrapbers 


mms) 


52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


IFDeabquaitets 

For  Full  Dress  Suits  and   Accessories 
for  the  Copley  Plaza  Concert 


Sanderson  &  Thompson 


Highland  Hotel 


Main  Studios:    1546-48   BROADWAY 
New   York  City 


The  headquarters  for  Aggie  men,  when  they  are 
in  Springfield.  Its  excellent  cuisine  and  pleasant 
atmosphere  makes  every  meal  leave  a  pleasant 
memory. 

Music  every  evening. 

Springfield,  Mass. 


CO-OPERxVTE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


Compliments  of 

\l.  D.  Marsi  Rstate 

STUDENT  FURNITURE 

Get  in  Practice  for  the  Winter 
Tournaments  at 

Metcalf's  Bowling  Alleys 

Alleys  May  be  Reserved  in 
Advance 

Take  Thought!      Take  Heed! 

With     several     other      companies      competing,      lasts     year's 
senior    committee    voted    unanimously    to    let    Barlow    insure 
them  in  the  Connecticut  General — a  company  in  which  most 
of  the  seniors  were  personally  insured  already. 

See  BARLOW                 Over  the  Savings  Bank 

"The  Store  with  the  College  Atmosphere" 

College  Drug  Store 

ICE  CREAM        CANDIES        CIGARETTES 

THE  LUCKLESS  HUNTER 

TTHE  hunter  had  but  little  luck 
*■       For  he  was  out  to  shoot  a  buck; 
He  shot  a  farmer's  cow  instead, 
Worth  fifty  bucks,  the  farmer  said. 

Rumble — "One  of  the  penalties  of  great  pop- 
ularity." 

For  a   Delicious   Luncheon   or   Dinner    Bring 
Your  Guests  to  the 

Amherst  House 

Catering  to  House  Parties  a  Specialty 

Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served  in 
the  most  modern  manner  at  the 

COLONIAL  INN 

At  the  entrance  to  the  campus 

Our  Food  Has  That  Tasty  Taste  Which  Reminds 
You  of  Home 

North  h.nd  Lunch 

On  the  Left  as  You  Enter  the  Campus 

JUST  RECEIVED 

1918  and  1919  College  Stationery 

Start  the  New  Year  right  by. having 
a  good  diary. 

A  large  assortment  at 

A.   J.    HASTINGS 

News  Dealer  and  Stationer 

THE  MOTOR  MAID 

There  was  a  young  maid  of  Detroit, 

Who  at  driving  her  car  was  adroit. 

But  her  speed  was  too  great, 

And  her  turn  came  too  late, 

And   so   the   young  lady   was   hoit. 

—  Tiger. 

GILMORE     THKATRE 

THE     HOME     OF     BURLESQUE 

Four  Days  Every  Week.  Beginning  Wednesday 

MATINEE  DAILY 

HENRY  ADAMS  CO. 

Z\)C  fID.  H.  (I. 

Druooists     & 

Candies  and  Ices     Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 

THE   MEN   WHO  ADVERTISE   HAVE   SOMETHING   WORTH   OFFERING 


Uj 


^STmassQ 


^    ((HP 

m 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 

F.  C.  LARSON  '17  L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 

Editor-in-Chief  Associate  Editor 

A.  E.  LINDQUIST  '16  H.  M.  WARREN  '17 

Circulating  Editor 


C.  H.  HALLET  '17 

Art  Editors 
F.  K.  BAKER  '18                               H.  A.  PRATT  '17 

$1.50  A  YEAR 

"QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE"               15  CENTS  A  COPY 

Published  Once  A  Month 

All  business  communications  should  be  addressed  to  the  Business  Manager;  literary 
communications  should  be  submitted  to  the  Editor-in-Chief ;  as  well  as  all  drawings. 

Vol.  II. 

DECEMBER,  1915                                       No.  6 

IGH  not,  kind  readers,  if  it 
be  in  your  hearts  at  this  mo- 
ment loudly  to  berate  your  old 
friend  Squibby,  by  reason  of 
th's,  his  modest  girth  and  un- 
pretentiousness  at  this  festive 
season,  reflect  yet  a  moment. 
For  this,  assuredly  ye  must  be 
aware,  is  a  wild  and  woolly 
time,  wherein  is  no  man's  peace 
of  niind  more  safe  than  is  the 
right  of  the  freshman  to  live 
unmolested.  For  it  is  the  Yule- 
tide,  and  the  present-hunter  is 
abroad  in  the  land,  and  even  so  the  presentee  emulates  the  example  of  the  small  boy  and  evinces  a 
sudflen  willingness  to  accommodate.  Moreover,  profs  in  prodigious  profusion  prepare  to  prod, 
and  even  as  we  write  engage  in  that  pastime  with  great  glee,  keeping  a  satisfied  eye  on  a  little  square 
l)oard  with  great  quantities  of  symbolic  red  ink  obscuring  its  once  fair  face.  So  be  not  wroth,  for 
Sqidbbij  is  but  agglomerated  flesh  and  blood  like  the  rest  of  us,  and  has  to  lione  for  the  next  quiz 
and  face  the  terrors  of  the  Triuinvirate  and  fkj  his  devoirs  by  hill  and  strea/n — and  Informal — and 
buy  neckties  anrl  souvenir  calendars  even  as  you  and  I.  Perliaps — who  knows? — a  celel^ration 
niimber  may  appear  after  we  find  out.  whether  or  not  we  have  succeeded  in  departing  this — cam])us. 
Wherefore  is  the  Christmas  .season,  anyhow.^  Methinks  'twould  seem  exceeding  strange,  not 
to  say  laughable,  to  a  Fiji  Islander,  for  instance,  to  see  a  conglomeration  of  so-called  civilized  ])eoi)le 


26 


* 


THE  SQUIB 


gv  rushing'  )n:ully  about  the  Uiiidscape,  armed  with  "Christmas  lists,"  frantically  hunting  presents 
to  be  used  in  the  great  American  game  whose  chief  rule  of  play  is  to  give  out  just  a  wee  mite  more 
than   is   taken   in. 


Christmas  is  approaching  and  Squibbij  finds  trouble  in  composition  in  his  endeavors  to  greet 
his  readers.     As  we  find  him  sitting  at  his  desk  racking  his  brains,  we  hear  him  mutter  to  himself: 

"I  am  trying  to  greet  the  Students  and  the  Faculty.  Now  what  shall  I  say?  Compliments  of 
tlie  season — that  is  not  original  and  too  commonplace." 

"Supposing  I  say,  again  the  tide  of  time — oh  bosh!" 

"May  your  cup  of  plenty  be  ever  filled  to  overflowing  with  happiness,  joj' — oh,  too  flowery." 

"May  Christmastide  strew  into  your  path  to  the  alter  of  happiness  roses  of  succes.s — oh  piffle." 

"May  the  Christmas  Star  be  upon  your  brow  the  diadem  of  happiness — oh  tripe.  " 

"Ah,  I've  got  it,  I'll  just  say, 

"A  MERRY  XMAS  AND  A  HAPPY  NEW  YEAR." 

The  board  of  the  Squib  are  not  desirous  of  knocking  the  knockers  for  they  glory  in  all  hammer 
and  anvil  work,  but  the  staff  would  like  to  have  a  magic  line  of  readers  of  which  you  should  be  one. 
Thus  a'l  the  readers  of  Squibby,  their  fingers  touching,  would  reach  in  a  continuous  line  from  the 
waiting  station  to  the  town  hall.  The  editors  are  glad  to  receive  all  criticisms  and  competitors  in 
the  various  positions  on  the  staft'  are  wanted.  Give  your  friend  a  year's  subscription  as  a  Xmas 
present. 


January  is  a  state  of  weather  and  other  things  that  we  are  compelled  to  accept,  but  would  rather 
(1(1  without.  During  its  thirty-one  trying  days  would  it  not  be  a  good  idea  to  establish  a  fraternity 
Ijowling  league  similar  to  the  Sun  Rise  League.  A  cup  has  been  oft'ered  if  the  fraternities  are  desirous 
of  forming  such  league. 

WHO'S  WHO  AT  M.  A.   C. 


A 

mprrg 
Xmaa 


A 
N?m  f  par 


'PREXY' 


27 


THE   SQUIB 


'4 


28 


AND  THE  TURKEY  SHALL  LEAD  THEM  HOME 


THE  SQUIB 


^S 


"MASSACHUSETTS  Agricultural  Col- 
lege offers  course  in  cooking  by  corre- 
spondence." Exclusively  to  males,  pre- 
sumably. 


AN  observant  citizen  saw  the  above  item  in 
the  Boston  Globe  the  other  day  and  imme- 
diately wanted  to  know  all  the  why's  and  where- 
fore's. 

We  don't  know  why  or  wherefore  but  perhaps 
it  is  a  new  form  of  "preparedness."  Evidently 
the  faculty  has  the  future  welfare  of  the  boys  in 
mind  and  have  provided  this  course,  so  that  after 
four  years  of  suffering  at  the  hash-house  thej' 
will  at  least  be  able  to  cook  themselves  a  scjuare 
meal  when  they  are  through. 

Here  is  a  rare  opportunity  for  the  girls.  After 
they  are  married,  no  need  to  rise  early.  Just 
let  hubby  get  up  and  s  r  re  them  a  delicious 
breakfast  in  bed.  And  no  use  for  them  to  hui-ry 
home  from  their  bridge  party  in  the  afternoon  to 
get  dinner  for  hubby  can  cook  much  better. 
Pretty  soft! 

Or  perhaps  too  many  alumni  have  passed  to 
regions  beyond  lately  from  indigestion  or  similar 
causes,  and  the  faculty  have  made  up  their 
minds  not  to  let  any  more  of  their  precious  charges 
risk  their  sweet  young  lives  at  the  hands  of 
scheming  designing  women  who  are  after  their 
life  insurance.  Of  course  it  is  to  be  hoped  that 
the  boys  will  be  wise  enough  to  look  up  the 
fair  correspondents  when  they  are  ready  to  settle 
down,  and  make  sure  of  three  good  "squares"  a 
day  anyway.  Never  mind  her  looks  or  disposi- 
tion if  only  she  is  a  good  cook. 

To  cook  a  pot  of  Boston  Beans 
Or  serve  an  Irish  Stew 
A  college  course  is  quite  the  thing 
By  mail  it's  sent  to  you. 

You  change  the  damper  in  the  stove 
Then  glance  into  your  book 
And  break  an  egg,  if  one  you  have, 
Then  take  another  look. 

In  former  years  you  went  to  leai-n 

To  be  an  L.  L.  D. 

But  things  have  changed  a  lot  since  then 

At  least  at  M.  A.  C. 

No  longer  now  you  want  M.  D. 
And  cure  dumb,  blind  and  deaf 
But  rather  add  unto  your  name 
The  title    C-H-E-F. 


BACHELOR     OF    COOKIWG 

POPULAR  SONGS 

Words — by  Shakespeare 

Music — by    orchestra   of   Ford's    Peace    Mission. 

PINK  PAJAMAS 

Tune — Merry  Widow  Waltz 
I  wear  my  pink  pajamas  in  the  summer  when  it's 

hot, 
I  wear  my  flannel  nightie  in  the  summer    when 

it's  not; 
But  sometimes  in  the  springtime 

And  sometimes  in  the  fall, 
I  crawl  right  in  between  the  sheets, 

With  nothing  on  at  all! 

HERPICIDE 

Tune — Harrigan 
H-E-R-P-I-C-I-D-E  spells  Herpicide, 
Only  thing  on  earth  that  makes  your  hair  grow, 
Really  makes  you  look  just  like  a  scarecrow, 
H-E-R-P-I-C-I-D-E  you  see 
First  you  rub  it,  then  you  scrub  it, 
Then  you  scrub  it,  then  you  rub  it. 
And  it's  Hair  again 
On  me. 

IF  NOT  WHY  NOT? 

THE    instructor   fails    to    apjDcar    at    the    ten- 
minute  bell  on  a  day  before  a  holiday. 
The  class  does  not  know  whether  to   "bolt" 
or  not  until  a  bright  one  utters: 

"If  we  get  a  bolt  today,  we  get  another  one 
next  week  because  it's  24  hours  before  a  holiday." 

29 


THE  SQUIB 


EPISODE  16 

The    Boy    Wonder    in    the    Berkshires;    or, 
The  Correct  Thing  in  Dogging  Deer 


"  ,  k' 


^S 


Scene  1; 

Our  Boy  Wonder  with  his  custom- 
ary sagacity  and  keen  foresight  de- 
tects the  presence  of  a  large  male 
Bull-Deer  lurking  on  the  brow  of  a 
lull. 


Scene  2: 

With  his  eagle  eye  our  B.  W.  esti- 
mates the  distance  as  an  even  1,000 
yards  and  acts  accordingly,  /.  e.,  by 
hurling  aside  coat  and  gun  and  tak- 
ing the  approved  position  of  the 
Start  and  swallowing  knife. 


Scene  3: 

Not  much  here  except  a  STRIDE 
and  a  surprised  B-D. 


Scene  4: 

The  Eull-Deer  is  fascinated  by  the 
approach  of  this  smooth  working 
athletic  machine,  and  watches  those 
wonderful  arms  and  twinkling  legs 
a  second  too  long  for  our  Hero  with 
a  ninth  inning  spurt  overtakes  her 
and  grabs  her  caudal  extremity  with 
his  bare  gloves. 


Scene  5: 

As  to  what  happened  here,  ac- 
counts vary;  some  say  that  our  Hero 
slapped  her  wrist,  others  that  he 
blew  his  hot  breath  right  on  her. 
at  any  rate  we  are  sure  that  he  acted 
as  a  true  Nimrod  should,  so  there. 


Scene  6: 

Here  our  hero  reaches  the  zenith 
of  his  glory  the  large  Bull-Deer  is 
vanquished,  her  toes  are  up  in  the 
air  and  she  has  taken  the  count,  and 
our  Boy  Wonder,  who  let  us  state  is 
without  a  peer,  has  a  record  of  his 
first  kill  made  on  the  spot,  which 
backs  up,  £ill  his  line. 


W 


30 


KIXD-HEARTED 

HAT  I     Scold  because  I  stole  a  kiss! 
What  nonsense  do  I  hear? 
I'm  sure  I  Avouldn't  mind  a  l)it 
If  you  kissed  nie,  my  dear. 


THE  PICNIC  GIRL 
'HE'S  gold  of  hair  and  blue  of  eye, 
*     She  never  keeps  her  hat  on, 

And  always  puts  the  custard  pie 
Just  where  it  will  be  sat  on. 


THE  SQUIB= 


'* 


ENTOMOLOGY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT 

SiL-vEB  Fish 

THIS  is  the  most  economical  member  of  the 
Apterygota  family,  for  the  simple  reason 
that  it  is  not  to  be  found  during  the  winter 
months,  and  so  has  no  need  for  a  winter  over- 
coat. Years  ago,  the  United  States  Government 
used  this  interesting  beast  in  making  silver 
specie,  but  Bryan  discovered  this  fact  and  since 
then  they  have  not  been  able  to  get  away  with 
the  deception.  It  may  be  found  in  stagnant 
pools,  such  as  the  College  Pond,  but  will  not  be 
found  among  the  gold  fish  in  a  public  fountain. 
Doctor  Guzzler  of  Maine  reports  to  have  found 
it  in  several  silver  fizzes  purchased  at  a  bar  in 
Bangor,  but  this  is  not  to  be  taken  as  an  indica- 
tion that  silver  fizzes  were  named  for  this  insect. 
This  insect  is  small  and  has  the  distressing  habit 
of  crawling  up  limbs — of  trees — but  this  is  not 
the  cause  of  the  recent  fad  of  ankle-furs  among 
the  fairer  sex.  It  is  especially  partial  to  cotton- 
wood  trees,  since  its  favorite  food  is  to  be  found 
among  the  cotton  and  woolen  textiles.  When 
flying  at  night,  it  is  reported  to  give  off  a  faint 
silver  light,  which  was  found  to  be  very  useful 
in  the  dorms  after  mid-night.  A  great  scarcity 
of  the  insect  has  been  noticed  on  the  campus  of 
late,  so  Heat  and  Light  has  been  required  to 
give  all-night  service  since  then.  The  word 
"fish"  implies  that  this  insect  bears  fins,  and 
this  offers  an  easy  means  of  capture,  it  being 
necessary  to  merely  grasp  firmly  by  the  dorsal 
fin.  Silver  fish  are  partial  to  salt  petre,  hence 
hash  house  cofl^ee  is  recommended  as  a  good 
bait. 

(S> 

ADVICE  TO  LOVELORN 
Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

I  am  a  very  good  looking  young  man,  twenty- 
three  years  old,  and  am  very  popular  with  the 
girls.  I  never  allow  the  opposite  sex  to  kiss  me, 
but  tlie  other  night  at  a  party,  a  young  lady  put 
her  arms  around  me  and  kissed  me,  and  I  didn't 
resist  her  much  to  my  own  surprise.  While  I 
know  it  is  very  wicked,  I  have  let  the  same  young 
lady  kiss  me  several  times  since. 

AVhat  I  want  to  know  is — am  I  doing  wrong, 
or  is  it  proper  for  her  to  kiss  me.^ 

Yours, 

Alonzo. 
Dear  Alonzo: 

You  poor  misguided  boy,  I  know  what  ails 
you — you  have  not  been  properly  brought  up. 

Of  course  you  are  wrong  in  letting  that  girl 
kiss  you.  Absolutelj^  dead  wi-ong.  Did  you 
ever  hear  of  a  MAN  letting  a  girl  kiss  him!-'  But 
pei-haps  you  don't  know  how.  If  yovi  are  rich, 
I'll  volunteer  to  give  you  a  few  lessons. 


Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

For  three  months  I  have  been  keeping  company 
with  a  man  whom  I  love  dearly. 

Now,  when  I  was  eighteen  I  had  a  serious  illness 
and  since  then  I  have  had  to  wear  some  false  hair 
imported  from  China.  I  did  not  live  here  in 
Amherst  then,  so  no  one  knew  this,  and  I  never 
could  get  the  courage  to  tell  my  friend  about  it 
though  it  made  me  feel  badly  when  he  admired 
my  hair.  The  other  Sunday  while  walking  on 
the  Campus  with  my  friend  a  brisk  wind  blew 
both  my  hat  and  hair  from  my  head. 

It  was  so  humiliating  I  thought  I  would  never 
reach  home,  but  he  said  not  to  feel  badly,  that 
he  didn't  mind  it,  but  he  has  not  written  or  called 
on  me  since.  What  shall  I  do?  My  heart  is 
broken. 

Yours, 

Miss  Hairigan. 
Dear  Miss  Hairigan: 

The  best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  forget  this 
man  and  get  another  sucker  who  does  not  know 
that  you  haven't  any  hair.  First  of  all  go  to  a 
drug  store  and  get  the  following  prescription; 
Williams  Shaving  Powder  one  ounce,  kerosene 
emulsion  two  ounces,  one  drop  of  Tincture  of  rat 
poison,  one  bottle  of  Le  Pages  glue.  Take  this 
internally  and  hairs  will  soon  appear  on  your 
cranium.  For  even  a  little  hair  of  your  own  is 
better  than  a  crowning  glorj^  that  threatens  to 
come   oft'   at   the   most   inopportune   moments. 

Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

Last  week  I  attended  The  Dansant  at  the 
Nonotuck.  Is  it  proper  to  take  cream,  sugar 
and  lemon  in  the  tea  at  the  same  time?  I  want 
to  get  my  money's  worth.  And  which  hand 
shall  I  stir  the  tea  with? 

Oscar  H. 
Oscar  H.: 

The  lemon  should  not  really  be  used,  but  is 
simply  served  as  a  means  of  making  one's  fingers 
sticky  and  ijnparting  an  unfavorable  odor  to 
the  flippers.  I  should  advise  that  you  use  the 
spoon  which  they  will  undoubtedly  be  supplied, 
as   this   appears   better  in   the   best   company. 

Miss  Sau  Sage. 

(S) 

LOGIC 

WE  are  told  that  we  should  study  practical 
things.  Why?  The  answer  is  simple: 
in  order  that  we  may  make  money.  Why  should 
we  wish  to  malce  money?  Well,  er-r,  so  that  we 
may  gain  a  "competence."  And  ichy  should  toe 
desire  a  "competence'''^  Chiefly,  so  that  we  may 
send  our  children  to  college.  But  why  shall  loe 
want  to  send  our  children  to  collec/e?  What  an 
absurd  question!  In  order  that  they  may  study 
practical  things. 


31 


THE  SQUIB 


nPHERE  is  a  man  at  M.  A.  C. 

^       Who   visits    Smith   quite   frequently 
And  when  he  finds  a  girl  he  likes 
And  in  some  corner  holds  her  tight 
She  leans  towards  him  and  says  "My  Dear" 
Won't  you  take  me  to  the  Prom  this  year? 


AT  THE  GLEE  CLUB  CONCERT 

"V^'OUNG   MAN   (to  his  partner)— "Oh  yes,  it 
■^       is  a  mighty  fine  thing  to  go  to  college,  such 
a  lovely  place,  you  know." 

"Yes,  I've  heard  so  much  about  the  college 
and  the  men  there  that  I  almost  feel  as  though 
I    knew    them    myself." 

"Who  do  you  know  up  there.''" 

"Oh,  not  many.  Do  you  know  Mr.  (list  of 
ten  or  a  dozen  names.''") 

"Oh,  yes,  I  know  them.  All  corking  good 
f  t'llows,  too." 

"And  what  class  are  you  in.''" 

"1020." 
32 


EVOLUTION 

ONCE  upon  a  time  chaos  reigned.  Then 
rebulae  appeared,  and  from  heated  cloud- 
wrack  the  world  was  formed.  Animal  life  came 
into  being,  amebas  grew  into  monkeys,  and 
monkeys  grew  into  men.  An  education  system 
was  founded  and  colleges  developed.  Finally, 
Aggie  came  into  existence,  with  its  customs  and 
traditions,  its  sophomores,  its  fraternities,  its 
athletic  teams,  and  other  interesting  features. 
How  wonderful  is  evolution!  We  started  with 
chaos,    and   we   end   with — ? 


THE  SQUIB 


IF  OUR  PROFS  WERE  TO  WRITE  SHORT 

STORIES,     WHAT     SORT    OF    SHORT 

STORIES   WOULD   THEY   WRITE? 

(Editor's  Note — We  publish  below  the  first  of  a  series 
of  short  stories,  which  we  are  sure  will  interest  our  readers 
and  promote  the  cause  of  humanity  in  general.  It  will  be 
noted  that  each  story  is  printed  under  an  assumed  name, 
and  that  every  precaution  is  taken  to  hide  the  author's  true 
identity:  our  contributors  have  requested  this,  since  they 
realize  that  any  evidences  of  a  literary  tendency  would 
mmediately  imperil  their  standing.) 

THE  LURE  OF  THE  LAND 

or 
WHY  IS  THE  SOIL  POROUS? 

(By  Skid  Skaskell) 

HENRY  McHENRY  was  married,  but  t.hat 
was  not  the  reason  why  he  was  sad.  He 
was  sad  because  life  on  the  farm  had  not  proved 
to  be  the  round  of  golden  idleness  which  Curst's 
Magazine  had  prophesied.  When  he  removed 
from  the  teeming  suburbs  of  Ipswich  to  the 
untrodden  M'ilderness  of  the  hintei-land,  he  had 
expected  to  reap  the  fruits  of  rustic  prosperity. 
He  had  expected  to  cast  his  bread  upon  the 
waters,  and  have  it  return  to  him  with  that  incre- 
ment which  is  the  reward  of  virtue  and  of  careful 
attention  to  one's  bank  account.  He  had  expected 
to  make  two  potatoes  grow  where  only  an  onion 
had  grown  before. 

But  instead  of  this,  behold  what  disillusion- 
ment was  in  store  for  our  hero.  He  had  no 
sooner  become  fairly  established  in  his  rural 
venture  than  Trouble  began  to  lift  its  hydra 
head.  His  radishes  and  ruta-bagas,  anemic  at 
the  start,  went  off  on  a  decline.  His  corn  was 
thin  and  spindle-shanked,  and  his  potatoes  were 
emashiated.  In  his  apple  orchard  the  cut  worm 
cut  the  rootlets,  and  the  bookworm  hooked  the 
fruit.  His  turkeys  died  of  blackhead,  his 
chickens  died  of  yellow  fever,  his  cow  contracted 
gang-green,  and  his  albino  rabbits  all  had  the 
pink-eye.  The  onion-shed  was  shedding  its 
shingles,  the  corn-crib  was  full  of  holes,  the 
kindling  wood  was  all  shot  to  pieces,  and  even 
the  piano  was  on  its  last  legs. 

What  could  be  done  to  remedy  this  condition 
of  general  decay?  No  wonder  McHenry  was 
sad.  He  was  so  sad  it  kept  him  awake  nights; 
unquestionably  his  life  was  a  total  failure — all 
because  he  had  never  learned  the  secret  of  Sound 
Farm  Practice.  Let  us  pause,  gentle  reader,  and 
drop  a  sympathetic  tear  for  our  hero  in  his 
predicament. 

ON  TO  THE  COSTLY  PLEASURE  DANCE 


But  as  we  shall  now  see,  McHenry's  redemp- 
tion was  not  wholly  beyond  the  range  of  pos- 
sibility. Having  heard  of  Aggie  (through  its  foot- 
ball team)  he  determined  to  attend  the  Short 
Course  and  take  the  degree.  For  ten  weeks  he 
haunted  the  lectures  where  men  of  wisdom  hold 
forth  mightily,  hot-airing  their  views  on  every 
subject  from  superphosphate  to  superman.  For 
ten  weeks  he  ingested,  absorbed  and  secreted 
Agronomy,  and  when  at  the  end  of  that  period 
he  returned  home  (F.  O.  B.  Amherst)  all  his 
rdiatives  proclaimed  that  he  was  a  changed  man. 
He  was  so  different  even  the  corn-feds  didn't 
know  him,  when  he  went  out  to  resume  charge 
of  their  training  table. 

From  that  time  the  farm  began  steadily  to 
improve.  By  judicious  applications  of  calcium 
phosphate,  sodium  nitrate,  potassium  cyanide, 
Bordeaux  mixture.  Kerosene  emulsion,  creosote, 
and  whitewash,  the  limy  fields  were  made  acid 
and  the  acid  land  was  made  limy.  The  corn-feds 
grew  fat  on  nothing  but  corn,  the  cow  returned 
to  her  pristine  vigor  and  bran  middlings,  the 
hens,  which  by  this  tine  had  learned  the  lay 
of  the  land,  began  to  be  singilxrly  productive, 
and  our  persevering  hero  prospered  exceedingly. 

What  moral,  gentle  readers,  shall  we  draw 
from  this  simple  tale  of  Rural  Life?  What  moral 
shall  be  derived  from  this  pious  anecdote  of 
True  Worth  Rewarded?  Simply  this:  If  at 
first  you  don't  succeed,  try,  try.  Skid  Skaskell 
(The  man  who  put  the  Sound  in  Sound  Farm  Prac- 
tise.) 


POST-THANKSGIVING  EXPRESSIONS 

The    Welcome    Lamp-Post 


33 


THE    SQUIB 


34 


A  shriek,   a  moan,   a  screech,   a  groan 

A  grunt,  a,  scream,   a  cry, 
Witli   howls  and  iniirinurs,  greet  ni;^'  ears 

'J'lie   new  years  coming  nigh. 


THE  SQUIB 


CHRISTMAS  SHOPPING  x\GENCY 

THE  Squib ,  announces  that  it  is  prepared  to 
conduct  a  mainiiioth  Christmas  Shopping 
Agency  for  the  purpose  of  aiding  those  who  may 
not  have  the  opportunity  of  shojiping  in  the 
best  stores,  such  as  tliose  unforlunales  wlio 
must  acknowledge  such  places  as  Arlington, 
Chelsea,  and  Dorchester  as  their  homes.  Simply 
send  us  a  check  which  will  alloM-  for  our  com- 
mission above  the  cost  of  the  desired  article, 
mentioning  for  whom  it  is  to  be  i)urchased,  and 
^\■e  attend  to  the  rest. 

As  suggestions,  we  cite  the  following  list  of 
articles  which  you  will  receive,  and  which  may 
help  in  solving  your  own  jjersonal  jjroblem  of 
What    To    Give: 

"^'ou  will  no  doubt  receive  from — 

Father — A  pound  of  tobacco  that  you  would 
iiol  think  of  carrying,  even  to  su])])ly  Edwards, 
Anderson,   or  Jeron:e. 

Mother — A  handsome  sweater,  in  exchange 
for  which,  you  might  give  a  fur  motoring  coat. 

Sister — A    striking    red    neck-tie,    which    you 
would    not   dare  to   raffle   off   even   among   your 
worst  enemies. 
•  Brother — A    hock    ticket     calling    for    Grand- 
father's watch  if  you  will  only  redeem  it. 

Uncle  Ben — A  handsomely  bound  volume  of 
"Lives  of  Eminent  Statesmen."  (A  copy  of 
"Three  Weeks'"  will  be  greatly  appreciated  in 
return.) 

Aunt  Sarah — The  eighth  volume  in  one  of 
Henty's  series.  (You  have  received  successive 
volumes  each  year  since  you  were  twelve.  If  you 
live  long  enough,  you  will  eventually  be  the 
proud  possessor  of  the  entire  set.) 

Her — A  manicuring  set  as  a  gentle  hint.  In 
return  you  might  present  one  of  Jimmie  Halde- 
man's   Laundry   Kits. 

And  so  it  goes.  Put  entire  faith  in  our  Shopping 
Agency,  and  we  guarantee  satisfaction. 


"Did  yez  iver  shtop  to  think  that  half  of  the 
wox'ld  don't  know  how  the  other  half  gets  along? 

"You're  right,"  says  Mike,  "and  neither  does 
the  other  half". 


If   School  Kepf 
X  mass. 


Things  that  never  Happen. 
Social  duties  caused  by  the  mistletoe 


THE  CALL  OF  THE  SHEETS 

How  appealing  the  books  are  to  us  afteravacation! 

35 


THE  SQUIB 


WAS  IT  EVER  THUS? 

A    PECULIAR    PREDICAMENT    OF    A    STUDENT    WHILE 

ENTERTAINING     HIS     MOUNT     HOLYOKE 

FRIEND    ON    AN    AUTOMOBILE    RIDE 

Scene  I — Stalled   in    Chicopee   Fallfi   hi/   a   serious 
breakdown  at  8  p.  m. 

He — "How  wonderful  it  is,  here  in  the  moon- 
light, with  the  moon  beams  playing  about  us. 
On  ray  back,  through  the  half  open  chasis  of- 
my  jitney,  I  can  see  two  stars  twinkle.  They 
are  the  first  stars  of  the  evening.  But,  Jerusalexn 
cherries,  where  has  the  big  dipper  disappeared  to.'' " 

She — "AA^hat  a  strange  event!  AVhere  can  it 
be?" 

He — "AVell,  it's  hard  to  say,  but  I've  heard 
that  Father  Pluvius  stole  the  dipper  so  that  he 
could  rush  the  growler  to  Hadley.  The  dipper 
had  been  stolen  once  before  by  some  rogues  in 
Arlington,  but  since,  that  town  has  gone  dry, 
and  the  inhabitants  are  now  occupied  in  chewing 
crumbs  for  the  gold  fish  in  the  Public  Gardens." 

Scene  II — A  squirrel  is  passing  in  the  road. 

He — "Oh  see  the  squirrel!"  (He  throws  a 
nut  from  his  xnaehine  to  him;  but  the  squirrel 
scorns  it)     "I  wonder  vaguely  why  he  hesitates." 

(And  above  the  stars). 

(A  drop  of  gasolene  trickles  slowly  down  my 
neck,  and  all  else  is  silence,  save  the  voice  of 
the  girl,  who  is  explaining  to  me  what  to  do  and 
asking  how  far  it  is  to  college,  and  whether  I 
am  really  hurrying.) 

(Silence — and   9   p.  m.) 


He — "The  squirrel  has  gone.  Look!  There 
is  a  host  of  stars." 

(But  the  headlight  was  so  provoked  by  the 
heavenly  mutterings  of  the  student  that  it  flared 
up  and  went  out,  leaving  them  in  total  darkness.) 
Scene  III — . 

He — "Ah,  ah!  The  battery  has  started  feeding 
currents  to  the  engine  and  is  sparking  with  her 
in  a  most  shocking  fashion." 

She — "Are  we  ready  to  start  for  home  now?" 

He — "Yes,  it  appears  so,  for  the  gears  have 
fallen  back  to  embrace  each  other,  the  tires,  too, 
have  taken  on  lots  of  airs." 

She — "  AVe  must  hurry,  for  it    is    nearly    9.15." 

He — "Sure  enough,  we're  off  again,  but  look, 
the  tires  are  much  inflated,  for  they  are  hanging 
around  the  wheels,  and  are  acting  so  soft  with 
the  gasolene  (which  was  "tanked")  that  the 
flywheel  is  getting  cranky,  and  behold!  she  has  so 
exhausted  the  engine  that  she  is  choking  and  I 
must   get   out    and   fan   her." 

She — "Hurry,  for  I  must  be  back  to  college  by 
9.45." 

He — -"The  engine  is  much  relieved,  and  I  hope 
that  we  do  not  have  any  more  trouble." 
Scene  IV. 

(Thus  our  hero  speeds  to  the  college  and  his 
evening  of  enjoyment  has  passed  to  sweet  memor- 
ies of  his  first  experience  with  a  jitney.) 
Scene    V — His  friend,    talking    to    her    roovi-mate 
after  he  has  left. 

Her  room-mate — "A  man  of  large  caliber, 
isn't  he?" 

She — -"Yes,  he  is  a  big  bore." 


CONTRIBUTORS 
J.  F.  AVhitney  '17  R.  R.  AVilloughby  '18 

H.  Campbell  L.  H.  Johnson 

L.  C.  Higgins  '18 


"The  Mutual" 

Headquarters  for 

Rumery  &  Fay 

Winslow  Skates 

Electrical  and  Gas  Contracts 

HOCKEY  STICKS,    SKATE  STRAPS, 

Give  your  room  that  cosy  glow  that  a  table 
lamp  gives,  it  helps  your  eyes  wonderfully  too. 

PUCKS,  ETC. 

AVe  have  a  large  variety   of  lamps   and   elec- 

tric  heaters   at  prices  that  are   easily  within 

The  Mutual  Plumbing  &  Heating  Co. 

your  reach. 

36 


stiff  f  r00pf rt  l^timt 

Perfectly  appointed  rooms  for 
your  guests 

Attractive  Dining  Room 

Exceptional  Cuisine 
Telephone  8351 

**For  the  Land's  Sake" 
Bowker 

The  Place  of  Good  Eats 

GRANGE  STORE 

Come  in  and  see  our 

DISPLAY  OF  CANDIES 

Get  Your  Supplies  Here  for  Those  Evening  Spreads 

'*Ye    Aggie    Inn" 

"EVERYTHING  IS  SO   TASTY" 

Student  Supplies  of  all  Kinds  in  our  Store 

SEASONABLE 

Comes  spicy  autumn,  freshly  fair, 
And  fickle  as  a  hen: 
We   doff   our   summer  underwear, 
Then  put  it  on  again. 

AN  IMPOSSIBILITY 

Dr.  Crabbe  had  almost  succeeded  in  dismissing 
Mrs.  Gassoway,  when  she  stopped  in  the  doorway 
exclaiming,  "Why,  doctor,  you  didn't  look  to  see 
if  my  tongue  was  coated.  " 

"I  know  it  isn't"  said  the  doctor  wearily.    "You 
never  find  grass  on  a  race  track." 

J.  GINSBURG 
Modern  Shoe  Repairing 

Buy  a  Shine  Ticket— 23  Shines  $1.00 
Black   or   Tan   Shoes 

in  AMITY  ST.                               AMHERST 

College  Barber  Shop 

Basement  North  Dorm.              0pp.  College  Store 

HOURS: 
Monday,      Tuesday,      Thursday 

and    Friday,    3.00   to  8.00   p.    m.                           T«:Ut     A.»:.Uo    «r.    Q,I« 
Saturday,  8  00  a.m.  to  2.00  p.  m.                          1  Ollet    AftlCleS    Oil    Sale 

Delicious  Home-made  Candy 
a   the 

College  Candy  Kitchen 

ICE  CREAM          CIGARS  AND  TOBACCO 
Open  until  12 

THE  FAMOUS  NEW  YORK 

Kirkpatrick  Shoe 

Exclusive  Lasts 

Exceptional  Value  in  Pumps 
BOYD  '18                                            WILLIS  '19 

-     Don't   "BUM"   Paper  From  Your  Room-mate 

Iheme  or  Practice  Paper 

Ruled  or  Unruled                    Punched 

500  Sheets      -       70  Cents 
LATHAM  '17                                MERRILL  '17 

MENTION  THIS  PUBLICATION  WHEN  SPEAKING  TO  THE  ADVERTISERS 


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211  Main  Street 


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for  the  coming  winter 


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HOLYOKE 


The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds  for 
Ye  Aggie  Men 


MEALS   SERVED    AT   ALL     HOURS 


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Northampton 


Opticians 


of 


Particular  Merit 


O.T.  Dewhurst 

201  MAIN  ST. 

Opp.  City  Hall     Northampton 
Telephone  184-W 


If  you  want  to  see  new  Winter  Mackinaws,  cut 
on  new  lines,  this  is  the  place  to  look. 

Sweaters    too,    and    all    these    new    Overcoats 
that  hit  the  college  man's  fancy. 

Watch  this  Space  for  Our  Prom  Announcement 
in  the  Next  Number 

MERRITT  CLARK  &  CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 


Compliments  ot 

A.  J.  GALLUP  INC. 


We   sell 

Hart  SchafFner  &  Marx  Clothes 


293-297  HIGH  ST., 


HOLYOKE,   MASS. 


ELABORATE  PREVARICATION 
'  A  ROLD-Who  giv'  yer  yer  black  eye,  Jimmie? 
**■     .limmie — No    one.     I    was    lookin'    thro'  a 
knot-hole   in  the  fence   at  a  football   match,   an' 
got   it   sunburnt. 

— SIxetch  (London). 

THE  MODERN  MEDIUM 

Modern  Girl — "If  you  really  loved  me  all  the 
time,  why  didn't  you  let  me  know.^  " 

Modern  Youth — "I  couldn't  find  a  post  card 
with  the  right  words   on  it." 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

^f>e  JeWel 
Store 

Also  THE  WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Telephone  1307-M 


GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


E.  Alberts 

IRegal  Sboes 

FOR  YOUNG  MEN 


241  Main  street    Northampton 


Order  Cooking 


Specials 


When   In   Hamp   Visit 

The  Elms  Restaurant 

Best  Quality  Food  Moderate  Prices 

C.  J.  PANOS,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET  NORTHAMPTON 


RAHAR'S  INN 


Northampton, 

EUROPEAN 


Massachusetts 
PLAN 


The    Best    Place    To    Dine 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 

ALL     KINDS    OF      SEA      FOOD 

50-CENT  LUNCHEON  FROM  11-30  TO  2  P.  M. 

Special  Dishes  at  All  Hours 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Compliments  of 


Burdick  Opticians  Co. 

SHERWIN    BLOCK 

H.  E.  BURDICK,    Optometrist 

Especially  Equipped  for  Perfect 
Fitting  of  Your  Eyes 


PHELPS  &  GARE 

112  Main  Street     Northampton,  Mass. 


"Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to  look  over 
our  stock  at  any  time. 


R.  Armstrong  &  Son 

OUtrtHtmaB  ^«rtings 

You  know  how  hard  it  is  to  get  just  the  necktie  you 
want.  This  year  we  beheve  we  assembled  quite  the 
finest  collection  of  ties  possible,  we  want  therefore  to 
invite  you  over  to  see  them  at  your  earliest  chance. 

If  you  cannot  come  before  the  holidays  come  directly 
after. 

Dress  suits  for  sale  or  rent 


86  MAIN  STREET 


NORTHAMPTON 


THE  GIRL  WITH  THE  CIGARETTE 

She  seemed  so  dainty  where  she  sat 
There  with  a  slender  cigarette. 
Ah,  she  was  vrell  worth  looking  at! 
In  fancy  I  behold  her  yet. 

She  seemed  so  dainty,  sitting  there, 
A  lovelier  maid  I  ne'er  shall  see 
With  fingers  that  were  slim  and  fair. 
She  held  the  cigarette  for  me. 


|c^^^\5^<al 


WM0LE6ALEK6  &  KE'CAILEISS 
PRUrr&  PRODUCE 

NORTHAMPTON.  MASS. 


Shrafts  and  Appolo  Chocolates 


GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


^ancing 


Supper  Dances  every  Wednesday  Evening  from 
8:30  to  11:30  in  the  Ball  Room. 

Tea  Dances  Saturday  Afternoons  from  3:30   to 
6  P.M. 

SUNDAY   TABLE   D'HOTE    DINNER 

$1.25 
Served  from  6:30  to  8:30  (with  music) 
GORHAM   BENEDICT,  Manager 


Special  Service 


Excellent  Cuisine 


Charles  Wirth  &  Go's 

Famous 

GERMAN     RESTAURANT 

33,   35,  and  43  Essex  Street 


BOSTON  MASS. 

Chas,  Wirth 

Chas.  E.  Alger 

T.  Tandberg 

Prop. 

Mgr. 

Asst.  Mgr. 

It  is  better  to 
have  your 

U^dnttHQ 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printing -IRuling—Bin&inG 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


Transcript 
Photo  Engraving  Company 

NORTH  ADAMS,  MASS. 

Engravers  of  Merit 


We  Solicit  Work  in   College 
Publications 
Get  Our  Rates 


L 


Tl-ic 


^QUIB 


^Ut<  IC9VZ 


w  i-:2  i3i<. 


PLYMOUTH  INN 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


A  High- Class  Hotel  desirably  located  for 

College  IPatronage 

Especially  suited  to  the  requirements  of 

tourists  on  account  of  its  pleasant 

location 


American  mtd  European  Plans 
Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


(liputkmpn'a  jFurntalitng  (lion&a 

179    MAIN    ST..      NORTHAMPTON 


Our   clothes  have  that  perfect  style,    that 
puts  the  dash  into  a  man's  appearance. 

Our  shoes  add  the  snap  that  counts, 

And  our  Haberdashery  completes  the  smart- 
ness that  is  so  necessary  for  the  college  man. 

A  visit  will  convince  you. 
Better  make  that  visit  before  the  "prom". 


I.  M.  LABROVITZ 

The  Quality  Tailor 


Announces 


That  he  has 


A  Complete  Stock  of 


"Prom"  Accessories 


Send  Her  a  Subscription  to  the 
SQUIB,  orif  not  a  subscription,  send 
her  a  copy  each  month,  she  will  surely 
like  it. 

The  next  Number  of  the  SQUIB  is 
to  be  dedicated  to  the  alumni  it's 
£oing  to  be  a  hummer,  don't  miss  it. 


Dress  suits  for  rent 


White  Cloves  Cleaned 


CO-OPERATION   IS   THE    KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


Campion 


FINE  TAILORING 


COLLEGE  OUTFITTER 


Ready     to    Wear    Clothes 


Dress  Suits  and  Accessories  for  the  "Prom. 


School  and  College 


IPbotOGvapbers 


52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


Main  Studios:    1546-48   BROADWAY 
New   York  City 


DRAPER    HOTEL 


NORTHAMPTON, 


MASS. 


We  Solicit  the  M.  A.  C. 
Patronage 

First  Class  Banquet  Facilities 


Wm.  M.  Kimball,  Prop. 


Wm.  G.  Bassett,  Pres.  F.  N.  Kneeland,   Vic  c-Pres 

Oliver  B.   Bradley,  Cashier 


First  National  Bank 

Northampton 


Do   Your  Banking  Business  with  Us. 

Deposits  Received  by  Mail  will 

be  Promptly  Acknowledged 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


Perfectly  appointed  rooms  for 
your  guests 

Attractive  Dining  Room 

Exceptional  Cuisine 
Telephone  8351 

'BOLLES' 

College  Shoes 

Latest  Model  Dancing  Shoes  and  Pumps 
for  the  "Prom" 

Modern  Repair  Department 

STATIONERY,  BLANK  BOOKS  AND 
FOUNTAIN  PENS 

1918        and       1919 
COLLEGE  STATIONERY 

^.   G.   Hastings 

NEWSDEALER    AND    STATIONER 

THE  DIFFERENCE 

Inquiring  Son — "Papa,   what  is  reason?" 
Fond  Parent — "Reason,  my  boy,  is  that  which 

enables  a  man  to  determine  what  is  right." 
Inquiring  Son — "And  what  is  instinct?" 
Fond  Parent — "Instinct  is  that  which  tells  a 

woman   she  is  right,   whether  she  is   or  not." 

WHERE  THE  WORM  TURNED 

"You    are    getting    very    bald,    sir!"    said    the 
barber. 

"You  yourself,"   retorted  the   customer,    "are 
not  free  from  a  number  of  defects  that  I  could 
mention  if  I  cared  to  become  personal." 

SOLEMN  THOUGHT 

The   greatest    nutmeg    must   one    day   meet   a 
grater. 

PROFESSIONAL  ADVICE 

Photographer    (taking    plain-looking    girl    and 
her  escort) — "Now  try  not  to  think  of  yourselves 
at  all — think  of  something  pleasant." 

ALWAYS  SPEAK   WELL     OF    THE     DEAD 

"Dead  men  tell  no  tales,"  observed  the  sage. 
"Maybe   not,"    replied   the   fool.     "But   their 
tombstones  are  awful  liars." 

A  word  to  the  wise  is  sufficient 

See    BARLOW 
Over  the  Savings  Bank 

College  Barber  Shop 

Basement  North  Dorm.             Opp.  College  Store 

HOURS: 
Monday,      Tuesday,      Thursday 

and    Friday,    3.00  to  8.00   p.    m.                           X   '1   &     A    !■  1                  CI 
Saturday,  8.00  a.m.  to  2.00  p.  m.                        lOllet    Articles    OH    Sale 

Sanderson  &   1  hompson 

Invite  you  to  inspect 

Latest  Full  Dress  Suits 

Shirts,  Gloves,  etc. 

You    will   want    the  latest   and   most   proper   at  the 
Junior  Promenade — we  have  it. 

**Ye    Aggie    Inn" 

"EVERYTHING  IS  SO   TASTY" 

Student  Supplies  of  all  Kinds  in  our  Store 

Ingersol  Watches  in  Celluloid  Cases  $1.00 

CO-OPERATION  IS  THE  KEYNOTE  OF  SUCCESSFUL  BUSINESS 


Compliments  of 

R.  D.  Marsh  Estate 

STUDENT  FURNITURE 

**For  the  I  .and's  Sake'' 
Bowker 

Get  in  Practice  for  the  Winter 
Tournaments  at 

Metcalf's  Bowling  Alleys 

Alleys  May  be  Reserved  in 
Advance 

"The  Store  with  the  College  Atmosphere" 

College  Drug  Store 

ICE  CREAM        CANDIES       CIGARETTES 

EDUCATION  AT  MT.  HOLYOKE 

(From  a  College  Calendar) 

Monday — Senior   rope-jumping. 
Tuesday — Junior  top-spinning. 
Wednesday — Freshman-Senior  picnic.  Confined 
to  hall  "bats"   on  account  of  the  weather. 

For   a   Delicious   Luncheon   or   Dinner    Bring 
Your  Guests  to  the 

Amherst  House 

Fine  Banquet  Hall 
Catering  to  House  Parties  a  Specialty 

The  curriculum  at  Mt.  Holyoke  is  plainly  too 
restricted.     How  about  the  Soph-Junior    frolics 
the  Sophomore  doll-dressing  and  the  Freshman 
ring-around-tlie-rosying  ? 

L 

Our  Food  Has  That  Tasty  Taste  Which  Reminds 
You  of  Home 

North  End  Lunch 

On  the  Left  as  You  Enter  the  Campus 

Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served  in 

the  most  modern  manner  at  the 

COLONIAL  INN 

At  the  entrance  to  the  campus 

THIS  IS  WHAT  MAY  IRWIN  USED  TO  CALL 
"A  FOX  PASS" 

Lady  Gushington  (to  gTeat  tenoi-) — "You  sang 
that  last  song  beautifully.     I  was  in  the  supper 
room,  but  I  heard  every  word.     You  have  im- 
proved; you  have,  really." 

The  Great  Tenor — "But — I  have  not  sung;  I 
am  next!" 

GILMORE     THKATRE 

THE     HOME     OF     BURLESQUE 

Four  Days  Every  Week  Beginning  Wednesday 
MATINEE  DAILY 

HENRY  ADAMS  CO. 

2)ru99ists     §> 
Candies  and  Ices    Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 

CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


Caps  and  Gowns 

Makers  to 

Massachusetts  Agricultural,  Amherst,  Brown,  Yale 
and  many  others 

Faculty  Gowns  and  Hoods 

Purple,  Choir  and  Judical  Robes 

Cox  Sons  &  Vining 

72  Madison  Ave.,  New  York 


^ 


dancing 

Supper  Dances  every  Wednesday  Evening  from 
8:30  to  11:30  in  the  Ball  Room. 

Tea  Dances  Saturday  Afternoons  from  3:30   to 
6  P.M. 

SUNDAY  TABLE   D'HOTE  DINNER  $1.25 

Served  from  6:30  to  8:30  (with  music) 

GORHAM   BENEDICT,  Manager 


"The  Machine  You  Will  Eventually  Buy" 

Underwood  J't/pei^riter 

The  Solid,  Speedy  Machine 
That  Will  Give  the  Best 
Results  for  the  Longest 
Time  Easy  Payment 


f^^ 


11 


Springfield  Office  234  WORTHINGTON  ST. 


C.  H.  PRENTICE,  Manager 


Excellent 

Dining  Car 

Service 


Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 


Best   Trains    West 


12.45  p.  m. 
2.55  p.  m. 

4.37  p.  m.   - 

7.25  p.  m.  ^ 

10.28  p.  m. 

Stop-over 


Leave  Springfield 

-For  Buffalo,  Toledo,  Elkhart,  South  Bend  and 
Chicago. 

-20th  Century  Limited.  Arrives  Pittsburg 
7.15  a.  m.,  Chicago  9.45  next  morning. 

-For  Cleveland,  Columbus,  Dayton,  Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis,  St.  Louis,  Detroit  and  Chicago. 

-For  Buffalo,  St.  Thomas,  Detroit,  Jackson, 
Saginaw,  Bay  City,  Battle  Creek,  Kalamazoo. 
Cleveland  and  Chicago. 

-For  Syracuse,  Buffalo  and  New  York  State 
points. 

at  Niagara  Falls — no  extra  charge 


Boston  &  Albany  R.  R. 


(N.   Y.   C.   R.   R.  Co.,   Lessee) 


Inforination 

Concerning  Tickets 

will  be  gladly 

furnished 


'newyork> 
[(ENTRAL) 

^       LINES  ^  ^ 


upon  request  to 

James  Gray,  D.  P.  A. 

119  Worthington  St., 

Springfield,  Mass. 


MENTION  THE  SQUIB 


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CABARETESQUE 

A  girl  at  the  Prom 
A  whirl  at  the  Prom 

Ha!  ha!  a  hit. 
A  smile — 
A  wile — 

The  poor  boy  bit. 
But  what  is  so  rare  as  a  dance  at  the  Prom 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 
F.  C.  LARSON  '17 


Editor-in-Chief 

A.  E.  LINDQUIST  '16 
Business  Manager 

C.  H.  HALLET  '17  F 


Art  Editors 
K.  BAKER  '18 


L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 
Associate  Editor 
H.  M.  WARREN  '17 
Circulating  Editor 


H.  A.  PRATT  '17 


11.50  A  YEAR 


'QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE" 


Published  Once  A  Month 


15  CENTS  A  COPY 


All  business  communications  should  be  addressed  to  the  Business  Manager;  literary 
communications  should  be  submitted  to  the  Editor-in-Chief ;  as  well  as  all  drawings. 


Vol.  II. 


JANUARY,  1916 


No.  7 


GOOD-BYE  GIRLS  I'M  THROUGH 

QUIBBY  could  have  made  a  banana 
look  like  a  sick  cucuxnber,  for  he 
swallowed  hook,  bob,  and  sinker  in 
one  gulp.  His  voice  sounded  like  the 
noise  of  a  Ford  trying  to  make  three 
miles  on  two  drops  of  gasolene.  The 
call  of  the  wild  was  the  cry  of  the 
civilized  to  him.  In  fact,  he  lisped 
and  mentally  he  was  but  fifty  per  cent 
pure,  having  just  enough  Sapolio 
brightness  to  enable  him  to  secure  a 
position  in  a  dark  room.  He  wore 
leather  glasses  so  that  he  could  see 
himself  in  the  mirror  just  installed  in 
the  basement  of  North  Dormitory. 
The  only  blue  things  about  him  were 
the  covers  of  his  examination  books 
on  which  the  glorifying  marks  of  forty, 
fifty  and  forty-five  appeared  in  beauti- 
ful figures  engraved  in  red  ink.  He  had  failed  in  the  Big  Three,  for  nearly  every  word  in  the 
books  was  as  diffieult  to  understand  as  it  is  for  a  bald-headed  man  to  know  where  to  stop  washing 
his  face.  And  so  he  flitted  away,  for  he  really  thought  it  was  night;  in  fact,  'twas  daylight 
after  the  final  examination  week.  He  asked,  "What  is  this  running  hence. — a  railroad  or  an 
iron  fencc.^"     To  be  sure  it  was  the  B.  &  M.  and  a  goodly  crowd  had  assembled  there. 

It  had   been  a   memorable  struggle,   but  at  last  the  Revolutionists  had  won.     Squibby  raised 
his  hand  to  still  the  weeps  of  the  weepers,  and  the  curses  of  the  curscrs,  "Fellows,  he  cried,  Men  of 


THE    SQUIB 


1919  and  1918,  there  may  be  a  few  of  1917  and  1916  for  sociability  sake,  we  are  on  the  threshold  of 
a  new  era,  to-day,  we  depart  to  climes  unknown,  the  worm  has  turned  from  one  of  knowledge  to 
one  of  despair.  No  longer  shall  we  visit  the  fairer  sex  over  yonder,  nor  tread  the  broken  ways  of  the 
campus.  And  since  this  is  our  unlucky  day,  be  happy,  for  every  dark  cloud  has  a  silver  lining.  If 
this  be  true,  all  aboard  ye  splinters.  And  with  a  sudden  bang  he  fell  to  the  ground,  having  shot 
himself  three  times  with  his  flashlight. 

Then  he  suddenly  woke  up  and  found  himself  hanging  on  to  the  bedpost  singing  "Good  Bye 
Girls,  I'm  Through." 

MORAL 
DON'T  DOUBT  YOUR  BELIEFS,  DON'T  BELIEVE  YOUR  DOUBTS 


BUT,    DREAMS   SOMETIMES    COME   TRUE" 

Finals  again,  and  time  to  bid  adieu  to  another  parting  band  of  wayfarers.  Finals,,  and  the 
air  once  more  punctured  with  the  curses  of  the  poor  unfortunates.  What  is  to  become  of  them. 
Behold!  there  is  one  of  them  holding  up  South  Dormitory.  Flush  after  flush  rises  from  his  collar 
and  staggers  across  his  countenance  as  the  shame  of  the  situation  sweeps  over  him.  To  be  in  his 
position  is  no  joke.     Oh,  the  mortification  of  it  all. 

But  he  must  extricate  himself  from  this  unpleasant  position.  He  thinks  of  going  home,  but  he 
has  no  money.  He  lingers  on,  would  a  friend,  an  acquaintance,  even,  ever  come  to  his  rescue.  The 
moments,  yea,  the  minutes  pass.  His  hair  is  turning  gray  from  the  horror  of  his  situation.  Just  as 
he  is  about  to  jab  a  toothpick  into  his  floating  ribs  and  end  it  all,  the  eyes,  the  nose,  yea,  e'en  the 
face  of  a  friend  appears  at  one  time.  "Chesterfield,"  he  chokes,  "Chesterfield,"  Buy  me  a  ticket 
for  the  B.  H.  S.,  one  way,  yes,  only  one  way."  To  this  impassioned  appeal  Chesterfield  with  emotion 
"Here  take  this  cent — no  don't  bother  about  the  change,  keep  it,  buy  yourself  two  tickets.  Thus, 
the  youth  bends  his  steps  homeward,  for  he  has  been  brought  at  last  to  the  jaws  of  that  horrible 
monster — FAILURE!  He  has  failed  but  today  begins  a  New  Year — the  date  on  the  calender  does 
not  matter. 

This  funny  old  world  is  a  mirror,  you  know, 
Turn  it's  way  with  a  sneer,  or  face  of  a  foe 

And  you  will  see  trouble 
But  meet  it  with  laughter  and  look  full  of  cheer, 
And  back  will  come  sunshine  and  love  true  and  dear 
Your  blessing  to  double, 

SUPPOSE  YOU  TRY  SMILING. 


LOOKING  AHEAD? 

QUIBBY  waxed  and  curled  his  mis — placed  eye — brow  which  he 
had  been  cultivating  since  Christmas  for  the  Prom  occasion, 
sprinkled  a  little  Mary  Garden  on  his  motely,  rubbed  a  little 
Creme  de  Meridor  on  his  face  (the  first  to  give  him  atmosphere, 
the  second  beauty),  put  a  Camel  (cigarette)  in  his  mouth  and 
sauntered  forth  humming,  "The  High  Cost  of  Loving  is  Driving 
Me  Mad,"  but  he  comforted  himself  in  thinking  "Because  of 
the  Prom  we  have  Sons  and  Daughters"  and — but  why  go 
further,  dear  reader,  there  is  so  much  tragedy  in  this  world. 
Thus  we  find  Sqiiibby  as  the  social  lion,  dancing  in  our  barn, 
which  appears  like  the  court  of  the  Turkish  Harem  with  all  its 
beautiful  girls  and  pleasing  decorations,  even  the  Sultan  would 
be  stupified.  On  this  occasion  the  college  atmosphere  is  satur- 
ated with  "pep"  and  merriment,  so  different  "by  Jove"  than 
it  was  a  few  weeks  ago  when  Mr.  Cram  and  Mr.  Flunkem  were 
the  predominating  characters.  Therefore,  let  us  overflow  with 
mirth  and  welcome  our  guests,  the  beautiful,  the  fickle,  the 
charming,  etc.,  to  our  big  event  of  the  year. 


THE    SQUIB 


Cereal 

Charles  Green  was  an  honest  young  man,  as 
any  one  could  tell  by  a  glance  at  his  comely 
features.  He  had  just  alighted  from  the  Amherst 
car  at  the  corner  of  "  Kingandmainnearestpoint- 
totherailroadstation."  Tight  in  his  hand,  he 
held  a  nifty  straw  suit-case,  the  graduation  gift 
from  his  admiring  family  the  previous  June, 
when  he,  with  two  "Tessies"  and  thi-ee  other 
young  men,  had  been  "thrown  on  an  unsuspec- 
ting and  cold  world  with  the  most  wonderful 
oppor — "  and  so  on  as  the  "Speeches  to  the 
Gradating  Class"  usually  go. 

Asuwe  said,  he  held  his  suit-case  in  his  hand, 
and  his  head  high.  Because  must  he  not  bear 
up  bravely  under  this  new  humiliation?  True, 
gentle  reader,  Charles,  Our  Hero,  had  just  lately 
been  handed  his  return  ticket  on  the  "Febi-uary 
Special,"  flunked,  canned,  or  whatever  you  wish 
to  call  it.  And  he  only  a  freshman,  too!  And 
he  was  on  his  way  home  to  his  folks  and  Caroline. 
Ah!  yes.     Caroline! 

Just  as  our  hero  stepped  from  the  car,  an  aged 
gentleman  left  the  curb.  At  this  moment,  a 
large  Ford  touring  car  came  wheezing  down  Main 
Street,  apparently  with  no  regard  for  traffic  or 
the  safety  of  pedestrians.  Charles  observed  that 
it  was  about  to  swing  into  King  Street,  also 
that  the  gentleman  hereinbefore  I'eferred  to  was 
directly  in  its  path  and  apparently  ignorant  of 
the  impending  danger.  With  a  startled  cry, 
such  as  the  mother  gold-fish  utters  when  the 
family  cat  peers  down  into  the  aquarium  as  it 
reposes  on  the  parlor  table,  Charles  dropped  his 
precious  suit-case  and  hurled  himself  at  the 
aged  gentleman. 

Both  Charles  and  tlie  gentleman  went  down 
in  a  heap,  but  the  Ford  was  robbed  of  its  prey, 
and  Charles  had  made  a  friend.  The  boy  and 
the  man  secured  their  footing,  and  the  old  man 
looked  down  into  his  savior's  face  with  the 
following   words : 

"My  dear  young  benefactor,  I  should  most 
certainly  have  been  killed  had  it  not  been  for 
your  prompt  and  timely  action.  All  I  can  do 
now  is  to  thank  you,  but  if  you  will  call  at  my 
house  this  evening,  I  am  sure  I  can  arrange  to 
reward  you  more  satisfactorily,"  And  he  gave 
Charles   Green  his   house   number   and   street. 

Charles  gracefully  murmured  that  it  was 
nothing  at  all  and  accepted  the  kind  gentlemen's 
invitation  to  report  in  the  evening. 

Two  of  the  witnesses  of  the  distressing  incident 
were  heard  by  our  reporter  in  the  following 
conversation : 

"What  a  handsome  young  man!  Who  is  tlie 
old  gentleman?" 

"Why,  don't  you  know?  That  is  Mr.  Ogden 
Olypliant,  1lic  millionaire  Soap  King!" 


That  evening,  Charles  Green  mounted  the 
steps  of  the  pretentious  mansion  to  which  he 
had  been  bidden  and  bravely  i-ang  the  bell. 
The  butler  answered  the  summons,  and  seemed 
to  expect  our  young  hero,  for  the  latter  was 
immediately  ushered  into  the  library,  and  into 
the  presence  of  Mr.  Olyphant  and  a  handsome, 
middle-aged  woman,  with  a  winsoxne  young  girl. 

"Mr.  Green,"  said  Mr.  Olyphant,  "I  want 
you  to  meet  my  daughter,  Mrs.  Courtney,  and 
her  daughter,  Alice.  Helen,  this  is  the  young 
man  who  so  bravely  saved  my  life  this  morning.'-' 

Charles  gracefully  acknowledged  the  intro- 
duction. 

"My  dear  young  man,  we  most  certainly  are 
grateful  to  you  for  the  brave  manner  in  which 
you  saved  my  father  from  a  distressing  accident," 
said  Mrs.  Courtney. 

"Grandfather  has  told  us  how  handsome  you 
are,  and  we  are  not  in  the  least  disappointed," 
said  Miss  Alice  Courtney. 

Charles  blushingly  dropped  his  eyes  to  the 
floor. 

"Tell  us  how  you  came  to  be  on  the  car,  Mr. 
Green,"  said  Mr.  Olyphant. 

"Well,"  answered  our  hero,  "It  is  not  a  long 
story,  but  a  tender  subject.  I  entered  the  Massa- 
chusetts Agricultural  College  as  a  freshman  this 
last  fall,  and  at  once  entered  into  the  activities 
of  the  undergraduate  body.  As  a  member  of 
the  freshman  football  team,  I  attained  some 
renown,  and  spent  some  little  time  at  fall  practice 
for  the  baseball  team.  Evenings,  I  spent  in 
rehearsing  for  the  Roister  Doisters,  or  working  on 
the  Class  Debate.  I  was  also  rushed  by  seven 
of  the  nine  fraternities,  so  you  can  readily  under- 
stand that  I  was  not  left  a  great  deal  of  time  to 
spend  in  preparation  of  my  studies  attendant  to 
the  successful  mastery  of  the  curriculum  as  there 
outlined  for  the  incoming  freshman." 

His  hearers  acknowledged  that  this  might 
possibly  be  so. 

"Hence,"  continued  Charles,  our  hero,  "It  is 
not  surprising  that  I  failed  to  attain  a  passing 
grade  in  most  of  my  studies  when  the  results 
became  known  at  the  end  of  the  semester,  which 
prohibited  me  from  pursuing  further  studies 
there  and  also  participation  in  the  activities  of 
the  undergraduate  body.  At  present,  I  am  on 
my  way  home,  and  am  hoping  to  secure  a  position 
as  farm  manager  on  some  estate,  where  my  talents 
along  agricultural  lines  may  be  developed,  and 
where  I  can  have  an  opportunity  to  uplift  the 
life  of  the  rural  community  as  found  and  existing 
in  the   nearby  country." 

Charles,  as  we  may  well  guess,  was  an  ambitious 
young  man. 


THE    SQUIB 


"The  very  thing,"  ejaculated  Mr.  Olyphant, 
with  the  dawning  light  of  an  awakened  idea. 
"I  have  just  purchased  a  large  farm  on  the 
shores  of  Lake  Windybaggo  in  New  Hampshire, 
the  scene  of  my  birth  and  boyhood.  I  offer  you 
the  position  of  manager  and  developer,  with  full 
power  to  run  the  place  as  you  see  fit.  At  any 
rate  it  cannot  be  run  down  any  further,  and 
possibly  it  will  give  you  the  opportunity  to 
make  good  in  "what  you  see  as  the  Call  of  a 
Life-Work." 

An  enhancing  smile  from  the  beautiful  eyes  of 
Alice  drove  all  doubt  from  our  hero's  mind,  as 
well  as  all  thoughts  of  home  and  Caroline. 

The  next  morning,  Charles  Green  found  himself 
seated  in  a  comfortable  chair  on  the  north-bound 
express,  w^hich  was  carrying  hi:n  with  the  speed 
of  an  expi-ess  train  to  the  scene  of  his  Future 
Hopes,  where  our  next  installment  should  find 
him  instated  as  the  Boy  Manager  of  CostJiiore 
Farm  on  the  beautiful  shores  of  Lake  AVindybaggo. 

[Editor's  Note — This  offers  an  excellent  oppor- 
tunity for  tlie  aspiring  literary  geniuses  of  the 
campus  to  show  us  how  Charles  Green  made 
good.  An  attractive  prize  to  the  best  closing  of 
this  thrilling  novel.  Contributions  gladly  re- 
ceived.! 


This  did  not  cause  any  hardship  for  Adam  and 
Eve. 


FORGET  THE  FINALS 

Let's  start  to  boast  the  Hash  house  grub 
No  matter  how  you  feel 
Perhaps  the  steward  gratified 
Will  give  us  a  square  meal. 


FINALS 

AS  WE  LIKE  THEM 
Final  Examination 

ONE  hour  exam,  text  books  supplied  on  recjuest. 
Do  five  out  of  ten  questions 
Passing  grade  Forty  per  cent 
If  you  cannot  do  five  answer  four. 
Three  make-ups  if  final  isn't  passed. 

AS  WE  GET  THEM 
Final  Examination 
One  hour  exam,  every  hour. 
Do  all  cjuestions  and  answer  fully. 
Passing  grade  sixty  per  cent. 
You  either  get  this  0  or  that  10 


To  Be  Analyzed  by  the  Faculty  during  the   week 
of  Feb.   2. 


K 


^^V\-vV^ 


THE    SQUIB 


At  the  Cabaret 

She — "Did  you  notice  the  beautiful  moon 
last  night?  " 

He — "Yes,  think  what  we  could  get  for  it  if  we 
had   it    bottled   and   on    meter." 

THINGS  THAT  NEVER  HAPPEN 

¥T'S  leap  year  boys,  I  Avonder  now 
■*■     Will  bids  come  ffom  the  dame 
Will  dance  wi'ite-ups  have  absent  ones 
Instead  of  those  who  came? 

Will  Smith  and  Mt.  Holyoke  come  over  here 

To  take  us  to  the  show 

And  spend  their  coin  on  mileage  books 

To  bring  us  to  and  fro? 

Will  our  own  co-eds  call  us  up 
And  ask  us  to  the  Prom 
Writing  the  name  of  the  lucky  man 
On  a  long  list  in  the  Dorm? 

You  suffragists  now  have  a  chance 
Your  latent  power  to  show 
So  let  the  invites  come  our  way 
And  we'll  be  glad  to  go. 

m 

'16  Man  Hello,  Bill,  how  are  you  feeling? 

'17 — Like  a  dull  razor-blade. 

'16- — Spring  it. 

'17 — No  more  cuts. 

m 

TUT-TUT! 

DOC    GORDON — "Get   ready   your   drawings 
for  the  Crab.     Mr.  Blanchard  will  call  for 
them  later." 


WHAT  WOULD  YOU  DO? 

ViTOUR  Smith  friend  who  was  unable  to  go  to 
*  the  informal  telephones  that  she  will  go 
to  the  Prom  with  you.  You  love  her  acutely, 
the  loss  of  her  affection  would  be  like  drilling 
your  senior  year.  Moreover,  she  is  a  swell  dancer, 
some  dame!     What  would  you  do? 

For  best  solution  we  will  give  a  copy  of  the 
next  Squib.     P.  S.     No  crimes  allowed. 

# 

BETTER  SEE    YOUR  MAJOR  ADVISER 
ABOUT  THIS 

CUPPOSE  you  are  absolutely  broke.  Owe, 
*^  two  weeks  board,  and  fifteen  dollars  to 
your  friends,  have  strained  scenes  daily  with 
your  laundry  agent,  have  your  best  suit  at  the 
tailors  $1.50  due. 

Your  family  is  back  in  Small-town  no  time  to 
get  letter  to  them  for  $  and  at  the  last  minute 
your  Smith  friend  says  she  will  go  to  the  Prom 
with  you. 


Mr.  Neilson  the  mysterious-M.  P. 
Sure  had  the  proper  spirit 
His  dope  was  good,  he  held  the  boys 
And  we  were  glad  to  hear  it. 


Arnold — Yes,  that's  a  garter  snake 

Minnie  (innocently) — Why  it's  much  too  small. 


THE    SQUIB 


IN  RE  SARDINES 

The  following  ad  was  seen  not  long  ago: 
"Sardine  packers  wanted,  none  but  experienced 
need  apply." 

If  all  who  are  experienced  sardine  packers 
were  to  apply  for  the  position,  there  wouldn't  be 
enough  sardines  for  a  half  a  bite  apiece.  I  mean 
these  experts  in  packing  human  sardines — Car 
Conductors.  They  have  the  trade  down  to 
a  science  and  could  get  a  first  class  recommenda- 
tion from  any  of  the  poor  sufferers  who  are 
frequent  users  of  the  last  car  from  Hamp. 

Sometime,  perhaps  when  you  have  been  sand- 
wiched between  two  individuals,  with  one  fellows 
cold  nose  at  the  back  of  your  neck  and  your 
right  eye  gazing  admiringly  into  the  mysterious 
cavity  of  the  other  fellow's  ear,  your  left  eye  may 
have  discovered  the  following  sign  prominently 
displayed: 

WE   CAN   TELL   YOU   ANYTHING 

YOU   MAY   CARE   TO   KNOW   ABOUT 
SPACE   IN   THIS    CAR 

I  am  afraid  they  wouldn't  have  a  great  deal 
of  information  to  impart  regarding  space  in  the 
car  for  the  simple  reason  that  there  is  never  any 
visible  space  to  give  information  about.  Question: 
Where  does  space  go  when  a  street  car  gets  full.' 
(Boston  American  please  copy  for  "Us  Boys.") 

I  want  to  know  if  it  is  good  manners  to  sit 
down  in  the  lap  of  a  lady  who  is  a  perfect  stranger 
to  you  when  the  car  rounds  a  curve.  Also, 
when  a  car  stops  suddenly,  should  the  passengers 
move  up  front  altogether  or  one  at  a  time. 

If  a  passenger  wants  to  stop  off  at  Hadley  for 
a  few  hours,  should  the  conductor  be  allowed  to 
slip  a  him  transfer  for  the  early  car  in  the  morning? 

And,  finally,  I  have  a  very  valuable  suggestion 
to  make.  I  move  that  the  space  that  goes  to 
waste  in  the  upper  portion  of  the  car,  be  utilized 
by  installing  upper  berths  for  the  convenience  of 
passengers  who  ride  to  the  end  of  the  line,  so  that 
they  may  retain  a  few  shreds  of  clothing  and  the 
use  of  their  feet,  which  are  usually  gone  by  the 
time  the  other  passengers  have  cleared  out. 


ODE  TO  THE  HASH  HOUSE  SAUSAGE 

Sausage,  my  sausage, 
My  heart  yearns  for  thee. 
Yearns  for  thy  pig-skin 
And  thy  old  dog-meat; 
Long  may  we  rebsh 
In  years  yet  to  be. 
Long  may  we  relish, 

D.  0.  G'S. 


THI^COULEliE  LIFE 
THERE'S  "R£^"V. 


College  Life  is  not  all  play,  "dad". 

# 

Mr.   Cram: 

The  records  of  the  Dean's  office  show  that  you 
are  below  passing  in  the  following: 
College  Life 
Hygiene 
Drill 

Physical  Education 
The  following  you  have  passed  with  the  highest 
possible  standing: 
Plumbing  6 
Steam  Fitting  8 
Hoeing  4 
Plowing  2 
Fussing  1 
Chefing  1 
Your  high  attainments  in  these  above  makes 
you  a  promising  candidate  for  thie  Rexall  Watch, 
also  for  admission  into  the  Plumber's  Honorary 
Society    "Soakem  or  Disappointexn."      Moreover 
you  are  a  neojohite  of  the  Fusser's  Union;  prereq- 
uisite Fussing  2  to  become  a  brother.     For  your 
wonderful    ability    in    Chefing    you    have    been 
appointed  assistant  to  Mr.   Chcslcy,  for  in  that 
position  the  students   will   soon   decide   wliether 
you  will  become  a  member  of  this  generation  or 
of  the  previous  one. 

Hoping   you    are  not  disappointed  in  the  out- 
come of  your  finals, 

I  am 

Rctalliatingly    yours, 

Mr.  Flunkem. 


8 


THE    SQUI& 

Smooth  words  oil  the  srooves  of  life. 


fTTTTlTTTTnTrnTZI 


Many  Have   Gone   Before 
Youths   may   come,   and   youths   may   go, 
But  Mr.  Flunkem  goes  on  for  ever. 


LITTLE  drops  of  water. 
Little  grains  of  dust, 
Make  a  nice  mud  puddle; 
Where  sit  down,  you  must. 

The  little  drops  of  water 
Soak  right  through  your  clothes, 
And  in  the  little  grains  of  dust 
You  gently  rub  your  nose. 

Little  bits  of  shivers 
Chase  up  and  down  your  spine. 
And  as  soon  as  you  get  home 
You  crawl  to  bed  and  whine. 

Little  drops  of  Castor  Oil 
And  some  bitter  pills. 
Is  what  the  doctor  gives  you, 
To  drive  away  your  chills. 

Little  bits  of  silver 
And  nice,  crisp  paper  bills 
Is  what  you  give  the  doctor 
For  curing  all  your  ills. 


IMPOSSIBLE 
Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

I  heard  about  your  coming  to  Aggie  and  so 
I  came  too.  I  want  to  tell  you  about  a  little 
thing  that  happened  to  me  a  few  weeks  ago.  I 
was  camping  out  at  Norwottock,  on  the  shores 
of  the  Connecticut,  when  I  was  overtaken  by  a 
flee  storm.  A  flee  storm  Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage,  is 
when  flees  come  on  you  in  droves  and  droves. 
Fortunately  for  me  as  you  will  afterwards  per- 
ceive, I  jumped  into  the  river  while  being  pur- 
sued by  these  wingless  crabs.  Seeing  that  they 
are  still  after  me  I  disappeared  from  the  view 
of  the  naked  eye  beneath  the  river's  surface.  I 
found  a  convenient  rock  on  the  bottom  of  the 
river  upon  which  I  rested  for  several  hours. 
Upon  rising  to  the  surface  again,  I  found  the 
flees  were  still  sticking  around  waiting  so  I  went 
down  again  and  played  solitaire  with  a  pack  of 
cards  which  I  happened  to  have  in  my  hat.  I 
got  so  interested  in  the  game,  that  I  must  have 
stayed  there  all  night,  for  when  I  came  out  I 
found  that  all  the  flees  had  disappeared. 

lAMAFLEE. 


THE    SQUIB 


AT  THE  COSTLY  PLEASURE 

I  took  my  girl  to  a  swell  hotel, 
With  five  bucks  in  my  jeans. 
It  surely  was  some  swell  affair, 
But  way  beyond  my  means. 

We  listened  to  some  music  first 
And  then  we  danced  awhile, 
Then  the  waiters  in  the  dining  room 
Received  us  with  a  smile. 

I  thought  I'd  blow  myself  for  once 
And  eat  at  Copley  Square, 
It's  a  wonder  to  me  I  didn't  drop  dead 
W^hen  I  saw  the  bill  of  fare. 

I  looked  at  the  Girl  and  she  looked  at  me. 
Then  we  looked  at  the  waiter  together. 
He  was  very  attentive  and  dressed  up-to-date 
And  said  something  about  the  weather. 

We  decided  at  last  to  order  ice  cream. 
Our  dream  of  a  feed  had  fled 
And  thought  to  escape  from  this  gilded  joint 
And  go  to  a  Cafe  instead. 

But  Alas!     We  could  not  get  away 

And  in  the  end  he  got  our  kale. 

When  I  think  of  what  that  five  would  buy. 

It's  no  wonder  that  I  turn  pale. 

But  all  we  got  was  a  demi  tasse, 

Some  water,  and  a  dish  of  cream 

But  nevertheless,  in  spite  of  all 

The  Copley  Plaza  dance  sure  was  a  dream. 


THE  MORNING  AFTER 

Milady  Fatigue  at  6.30  A.  M.  Saturday  morning 
the  Twelfth. 


UNITY 

We  hear  considerable  now  of  the  good  work 
being  done  by  the  surgical  units  sent  from  this 
country  to  Europe.  Because  of  the  censor's  sense 
or  incense  we  have  heard  nothing  of  the  great 
work  done  by  the  British  Thermal  Unit,  or  the 
B.  T.  U.  as  the  soldiers  love  to  call  it.  The  duty 
of  this  unit  is  to  make  it  hot  for  the  Germans 
and  it  certainly  does  that.  It  also  melts  snow, 
boils  water  and  lights  pipes  for  soldiers  busily 
handling  their  scrap-iron.  After  this  unit  has 
passed  one  degree  it  is  awarded  an  honorary 
degree.  Then  it  is  called  the  "Pink  Sox  You 
Knit."  You  remember,  when  you  were  moved  by 
reading  of  the  sufferings  of  the  poor  soldiers, 
you  bought  that  pink  yarn  and  knit  the  socks  for 
them.  Well  your  sox  are  worn  by  the  bravest  of 
the  brave,  the  British  Thermal  Unit. 


# 


HIS  FIRST  TEXT 

JOHHNY  was  a  lad  who  had  no  desire  to  attend 
Sunday  School  and  his  father  did  all  in 
his  power  to  make  him  go. 

So  one  Sunday  as  Johnny  presumedly  returned 
from  church  his  father  was  inquisitive  to  ascertain 
whether  his  son  had  gone,  and  consequently 
asked  him: 

"What  was  the  text  today,   Johnny?" 

"Don't  be  afraid,  you'll  get  your  quilt  back" 
says  Johnny. 

The  father  was  puzzled,  so  he  called  up  the 
minister  and  asked  him  what  the  text  was,  and 
he   was   informed : 

"Fear  not,   thy  comforter  comes." 


REASON  FOR  DEJECTION 

A  well-known  university  professor  who  has 
taken  much  interest  in  the  woman's  suffrage 
movement  was  persuaded  to  carry  a  banner  in  a 
parade  that  was  held  in  New  York  some  months 
ago. 

His  wife  observed  his  marching  with  a  dejected 
air  and  carrying  his  banner  so  that  it  hung  limply 
on  its  standard,  and  later  she  reproved  him  for 
not   making   a  better  appearance. 

"Why  didn't  you  march  like  somebody  and 
let  people  see  your  banner?"   she  said. 

"My  dear,"  meekly  repHed  the  professor,  "did 
you  see  what  was  on  that  banner?  It  read, 
'Any  man  can  vote,  why  can't  I?'" 


10 


THE   SQUIB 


At  The  Tea  Dansante  and  Cabaret 


LINES  TO  ANGLINA 

I  have  lost  my  heart  to  you,  Angelina, 
You  have  gained  a  suitor  true,  iVngelina; 
Though  I  mutter  and  I  rave, 
Though  I  sadly  need  a  shave, 

I  would  gladly  be  thy  slave,  Angelina. 

My  heart  is  throbbing  madly,  Angelina, 
My  pen  is  wobbling  badly,  Angelina; 
All  the  time  I  think  of  thee, 
I  can  scarcely  hear  or  see, 

I'm  overflowed  with  glee,  Angelina. 

Three  nights  I've  had  a  dream,  Angelina, 
It  surely  was  a  scream  Angelina; 
'Twas  about  a  little  dame 
Who's  a  pippin  just  the  same, 

And  I  needn't  tell  her  name,  Angelina. 

# 

THRENOBY 

First  Canticle 
She's  far  more  delicious 
And  twice  as  capricious 
To-night  as  ever  before. 
And  soon  I'll  propose,  yes, 
I'll  snatch  her  with  boldness. 
And  capture  the  girl  I  adore. 

Second  Cantile 
The  chance  is  a  dandy. 
The  mistletoe's  handy. 
But  she  puts  in  a  word  just  before — 
"You've  been  just  like  a  brother — 
(Doesn't  this  sound  natural?) 
I've  accepted  another." 


And  the  butler  has  banged-to  the  door! 


-Record. 


THE  HASH  HOUSE 

•yHE  hash  house  grub  at  M.  A.  C. 
^       As  served  by  William  Chesley, 
Supposed  to  be  "three  squares  a  day" 
For  which  we  must  4.20  pay, 
Is  far  from  being  what  it  seems 
However  well  our  Chesley  means. 

The  daily  round  of  beef  and  lamb 
Is  sometimes  changed  to  beans  and  ham. 
Just  watch  the  changing  colors  glow. 
And  from  experience  you'll  know 
However  much  you  eat  and  stuff 
Never  will  you  get  enough. 

From  dish-rag  soup  to  leather  pie — 

Another  biscuit  in  the  eye — 

There's  nothing  there  that's  fit  to  eat. 

In  spite  of  fixings  that  look  neat. 

So  drink  your  milk  and  eat  your  bread. 

The  water's  poisoned  now  with  lead. 

Let's  hope  there's  better  times  to  come 
When  Chesley's  grub  will  not  be  bum, 
For  as  things  stand  with  us  today 
We  might  as  well  be  eating  hay, 
For  what  is  offered  on  the  slate 
Is  always  Hebrews  13-8. 

m 

ISN'T  THIS  A  MEAN  JOKE,  GIRLS? 

Judge — "You  are  sentenced  for  life." 
Prisoner  (a  married  man) — "The  parson  beat 
you  to  it  by  ten  years,  judge." 


11 


THE    SQUIB 


A     Wandering    Mind    has    no     Consolation. 
The   orchestra  will   now  play  the  little   ditty 
entitled   "Why  he  went  home,"   and  "Where  is 
my  wandering  boy  tonight." 


LAMP  THIS 

Aladdin  had  just  applied  friction  to  his  well- 
known   Mazda.     A   genie   rose   out   of  the    iiist. 

"What  does  my  lord  master  desire?" 

"Fetch  me  a  Freshman!' 

The  genie  vanished,  and  a  moment  later  re- 
appeared, clutching  an  immature  Frosh  by  the 
rear  gill  filaments.  Aladdin  bent  a  stern  glance 
upon  his  quaking  captive. 

"Young   man,    have   you   any   right   to   live?" 

"No,  sir." 

"Do  you  realize  that  you're  a  scamp  and  a 
criminal?" 

"Y-yes,  si"." 

"Do  you  appreciate  the  fact  that  you're  a 
reproach  to  civilization  and  a  blot  on  the  face 
of  the  earth?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

Aladdin  turned  to  the  genie.  "Put  him  in  the 
pond.     He's  guilty  of  general  freshness." 

(^ 

HEARD  IN  ECONOMIC  SOCIOLOGY  I 

OROFESSOR  brings  to  the  attention  of  the 
*  class  the  beauty  of  the  South  American  girl, 
whose  beauty  he  says  is  found  in  the  Northern 
Magazine. 

This  ambiguous  statement  is  noticed  by  one 
of  the  students  who  immediately  asks:  What 
part  of  the  anatomy  is  that? 

12 


MT.  HOLYOKE  professor  has  recently 
published  a  treatise  on  "Non-Homogen- 
eous Linear  Equations  in  Infinitely  Many  Un- 
knowns." Now  it's  up  to  Doc  Gordon  to  write 
his  observations  on  the  Schizoganic  Gameto- 
genesis   of   the    Mastigophorous    Grasshoppers. 

# 
AMONG  OUR  SENIORS 

Reggie  has  become  a  great  football  man  since 
he  started  that  new  mustache.  It's  a  touchdown 
every  few  minutes  with  hi:m  now. 


The    s' 
bothered 


DANGEROUS  SKATING 

ige    drivers    in    Yellowstone    Park    are 


considerably  by  the  foolish  questions 
asked  by  their  passengers  and  often  resort  to 
satirical  answers.  Once  a  woman  who  seemed 
deeply  interested  in  the  hot  springs  inquired: 

"Driver,  do  these  springs  freeze  over  in 
winter?" 

"Oh,  yes,  yes;  a  lady  was  skating  here  last 
winter  and  broke  through  and  got  her  foot 
scalded." 

(0) 

THAT  SPRING  FEELING 

I  love  to  sit  upon  the  fence 

And  whittle  it  all  day, 
Because  it  is  my  neighbor's  fence 
And  he  has  gone  away. 


THE    SQUIB 


$)^Yf^[^! 


BEWARE    1919,    111    be    with   you    soon. 


NOT    FROM    WEST    INDIES 

Some  time  ago  the  teacher  of  a  public  school 
was  instructing  a  class  in  geography,  and  when 
it  came  time  to  hand  out  a  few  questions  she 
turned  first  to  Willie  Smith. 

"Willie,"  said  she,  "can  you  tell  me  what  is 
one  of  the  principal  products  of  the  West  Indies?" 

"No,  ma'am,"  frankly  answered  Willie,  after 
a  moment's  hesitation. 

"Just  think  a  bit,  Willie,"  encouragingly 
returned  the  teacher,  "where  does  the  sugar 
come  from  that  you  use  at  your  house?" 

"Sometimes  from  the  store,"  answered  Willie, 
"and  sometimes  we  borrow  it  from  the  next-door 
neighbor." 

Broke — See  under  "College  Student." 

Optimist — One  who  inherits  a  fortune. 

Pessimist — The  fellow  who  finds  the  fly  in  the 
sugar. 

College  Student — See  "Broke." 

Sponge — The  man  who  rattles  his  keys  in  his 
pocket   when   the   other   fellow   pays   the   bill. — ■ 


NOT  AMBITIOUS 

The  teacher  sent  the  son  of  a  Newburgh  poli- 
tician before  the  schoolmaster  for  a  serious  mis- 
demeanor. 

"Young  man,"  said  the  schoolmaster,  as  he 
gazed  severely  at  the  youth,  "do  you  know  that 
you  are  a  candidate  for  a  sevei'e  whipping?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  boy,  "and  I  hope  I'll 
be  defeated." 


Doc  Cance  (explaining  division  of  labor  in 
slaughter  houses) — Any  man  here  could  skin  the 
body  of  an  animal;  they  put  a  cheap  man  on 
that! 


Doc  Cance — W^e  strive  in  dairying  to  make  two 
crops  of  milk  flow  where  one  flew  before. 


CONTRIBUTORS 


G.  B.  Ray  '16 

A.  F.  Williams  '17 
L.  C.  Higgins  '18 


W.  Saville  Jr.  '17 
R.  W.  Rogers  '17 
L.  H.  Johnson 


A.  Campbell 


Have  your  photograph  made  at  a  Studio  where 
you  are  assured  of  entire  satisfaction  both  as  to 
price  and  quahty. 

Make  appointments  for  portraits  and  fraternity 
groups  by  telephone  at  our  expense. 

The 

Katherine  E.  McClellan 

Studio 

44  State  Street,  -  Northampton,  Mass. 


Men*s  Custom  Tailoring 

I  will  be  at  August's  Tailoring  Room, 

No.    35   Main  Street,  Northampton,  Mass. 

with  samples  of 

Browning  King's  &  Co.,  Goods  every  Wednesday 

other  days  by  appointment. 

Geo.  C.  Lee,  So.  Deerfield,  Mass. 


DOOLEY'S  INN 

HOLYOKE 


BBHfflBB 


The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds  for 
Ye  Aggie  Men 


MEALS   SERVED    AT   ALL     HOURS 


.JOKE  FROM  THE  FRONT 

The  Officer  (having  been  challenged  by  a 
recruit,  seeks  to  improve  the  occasion) — "I  say, 
you  know,  that  was  quite  right,  but  you  left 
out  'All's  well!'   " 

The  Recruit — "'All's  well  I'  is  it  sir!'  An'  me 
feelin'  the  way  I  do  with  me  two  feet  like  a 
block    of    ice!" 


Compliments  of 

A.  J.  GALLUP,  INC 

We  sell 

Hart  Schaffner  6c  Marx  Clothes 


293-297  HIGH  ST., 


HOLYOKE,  MASS. 


"The  Mutual" 

Headquarters  for 

Winslow  Skates 

HOCKEY  STICKS,  SKATE  STRAPS, 
PUCKS,  ETC. 

The  Mutual  Plumbing  &  Heating  Co. 


Jmprnu^  four 


Typewrite  them.     Its  easy. 

Now  that  you  are  beginning  a  new  sem- 
ester, begin  it  right. 

You  are  going  to  save  many  of  your  notes. 
Make  them  legible,  typewrite  them,  it  is  easy 
and  profitable  to  learn. 

No,  it  is  not  expensive  to  rent  a  machine. 
Divide  the  expense,   as   many   as   four  can 
easily  use  tlie  same  machine  and  not  conflict. 

It  would  than  cost  only  62  cents  a  month, 
it's  worth  it. 


New  and  Re-build  Machines   For  Sale, 

OFFICE  APPLIANCE  CO. 

BOSTON,  MASS. 
A.  E.  LINDOUIST  3  NORTH 


FIRMS  THAT  ADVERTISE  HAVE  SOMETHING   WORTH   OFFERING 


There  is  nothing  new  in  the  World 

Here  is  something  new  to  M.  A.  C. 

Aggie  Towel  Co. 

We  furnish  Towels  in  the  drill  hall,  fresh  after 
every  shower.    They   may  be  paid  for  singly,  on 
tickets,   or  by  term  contracts.    The  term  contract 
provides  a  clean  towel   for  every  shower,  regardless 
of  number.    Soap  furnished  free  to  everybody.    The 
sanitary  advantages  and  reasonableness  of  the  prices 
are  obvious.     Get  a  contract  early  and  thus  loose 
none  of  the  benefits. 

Rates:— Single  Towles  5c       Six  Towel  Tickets  25c 
Term  Contracts  $1.00 

Aggie  Towel  Co. 

B.  C.  L.  Sander  '16,  Pres. 

For  Contracts  and  Tickets  see  F.  M.  Clark  '19  or 
S.  C.  Bartlett  Jr.,  '19. 

Iranscript 
Photo  Engraving  Company 

NORTH  ADAMS,  MASS. 

Engravers  of  Merit 

(J 

We  Solicit  Work  in   College 
Publications 
Get  Our  Rates 

SPEAKING  OF  TALK 

"I  was  outspoken  in  my  sentiments  at  the  club 
today,"  said  Mrs.  Garrulous  to  her  husband  the 
other  evening. 

With   a  look   of   astonishment   he   replied:    "I 
can't  believe  it,  my  dear.     Who  outspoke  you?" 

GENTLE  OBSERVATION  FROM  ST.  LOUIS 

If  the  new  mayor  drives  all  of  the  crooks  out  of 
Chicago  how  does  he  expect  to  keep  up  with  New 
York  in  population.' 

It  is  better  to 
have  your 

fl^rinttng 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 

Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

IPrinting— "IRulinQ— 36in&inG 

North  Adams,  Mass. 

A  GOOD  PLACE  TO  EAT 

The  Ideal  Lunch 

S.  J.  HALL,  Prop. 

Excellent  Service                                                  Fine  Cuisine 
40  Main  Street 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 

GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


PATRONIZE  THESE  MEN  WHEN  IN  NORTHAMPTON 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 

flemings  ^oot  Jhop 

211    MAIN    STREET 


The  most  complete  line  of  Pumps 
for  the  winter 


NORTHAMPTON, 


MASS. 


HERE'S   A    TIP 

Are  you  going  to  the  Prom. 

Our   Full   Dress   Suits  are  the   very  latest   tip  on  the 
correct  evening  dress  for  men  who  know  how. 

Special  styles  young  men  in  the  well  known  "Society 
Brand"  make. 

Dress  Coats  and  Trousers  $32.50  and  up. 
Tuxedo  $22.00.    White  Silk  Waist  Coats  $5  to  $7.50 

All  the   details   to  complete   the  picture    from   collar 
buttons  to  overcoats. 


MERRILL  CLARK  &  CO., 


NORTHAMPTON 


Some  people  lire  to  eat,  Others  eat  to  live. 

Boyden's  Restaurant 

Serves  all 

Delicious  Dishes  Best  of  Service 

Catering 

Facilities  for  College  Banquets 


196  Main  St. 


Northampton 


Wiswell  the  Druggist 

82   Main   St.  Northampton 

Did  you  know  that  we  are  serving  the  "Best" 
Hot  Chocolate 
to  be  had  anywhere 
Try  our 

Hot  Chocolate  Fudge  Sundae 

Its  a  Big  Hit 
Hump's  Busiest  Soda  Fountain 


BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candies  & 
Ice  Cream 


247-249  Main  Street 


Northampton 


OR  BEFORE  SHE  MARRIED  HIM 

Irate  Woman — "These  photographs  you  made 
of  my  husband  are  not  satisfactory  and  I  refuse 
to  accept  them." 

Photographer — " What's  wrong? " 

Irate  Woman — "What's  wrong?  Why,  my 
husband  looks  like  a  baboon!" 

Photographer — "Well,  that's  no  fault  of  mine, 
madam.  Youshould  have  thought  of  that  before 
you   had   him   photographed." 


Opticians 


Particular  Merit 


G.T.  Dewhurst 

201  MAIN  ST. 

Opp.  City  HaU    Northampton 

Telephone  I84-W 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

Ehe  Jewel 
Store 

Also  THE  WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Telephone  1307-M 


FIRMS  THAT   ADVERTISE   HAVE   SOMETHING   WORTH   OFFERING 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


Dancing  Pumps  and  Dancing 
Oxfords 

— for— 
THE  JUNIOR  PROM 

E.  ALBERTS 

241   Main  Street  opp.  Clarke  Library 

NORTHAMPTON 


Order  Cooking 


Specials 


The  Elms  Restaurant 

Best  Quality  Food  Moderate  Prices 

E.  G.  DILL,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET  NORTHAMPTON 


PHELPS  &  GARE 

112  Main  Street     Northampton,  Mass. 


'Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to  look  over 
our  stock  at  any  time. 


'16  Man — Hello,   Bill,  how  are  you  feeling? 

'17 — Like  a  dull  razor-blade. 

'16 — Spring  it. 

'17 — No  more  cuts. 

1st  Stude — "How  long  does  it  take  to  go  to 
Boston  from  Amherst? 

2nd  Stude — By  time  table  or  B.  &  M.? 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,  Massachusetts 

EUROPEAN     PLAN 


The    Best    Place    To     Dine 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 

ALL     KINDS    OF      SEA      FOOD 

Good  Banquet  Facilities 

Special  Dishes  at  All  Hours 
R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Woodward's  Lunch 

27  Main  Street  Masonic  Block 

Lunches — Soda — Ice  Cream 


Closed  only  from  1   a.  m.  to  4  a.  m. 


F.  W.  WOODWARD,  Prop. 


R.  F.  Armstrong  &  Son 

"Be   Prepared"   for  the   Prom. 

DRESS  TIES 

DRESS  SHIRTS 

DRESS  SOX 

DRESS  GLOVES 

DRESS  SUITS  (for  Sale  or  Rent) 


86  MAIN  STREET 


NORTHAMPTON 


The  most  attractive  store  in  town 

Shrafts  and  Appolo  Chocolates 

The  Kind  the  Girls  Like 


GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


H)onchester 

a4n 


vemno 


At  the  table,  in  the  theatre  chair  or  during 
the  mild  athletics  of  the  modern  dance,  the 
DONGHESTER  bosom  remains  flat,  creaseless 
and  in  its  place.  $1.50,  12.00  and  13.00 


poESS 

Tfifi-  HT 


&uett,9eal>ody  (P &o.,7nc..'^aiers 


PLYMOUTH  INN 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


A  High- Class  Hotel  desirably  located  for 

College  IPatronaGC 

Especially  suited  to  the  reqiiirements  of 

tourists  on  account  of  its  pleasant 

location 


American  and  European  Plans 
Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


Excellent 

Dining  Car 

Service 


Best 

12.45  p.  m. 
2.55  p.  m. 

4.37  p.  m. 

7.25  p.  m.   " 

10.28  p.  m.    - 

Stop-over 


Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 


est 


Leave  Springfield 

-For  Buffalo,  Toledo,  Elkhart,  South  Bend  and 
Chicago. 

-20th  Century  Limited.  Arrives  Pittsburg 
7.15  a.  m.,  Chicago  9.45  next  morning. 

-For  Cleveland,  Columbus,  Dayton,  Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis,  St.  Louis,  Detroit  and  Chicago. 

-For  Buffalo,  St.  Thomas,  Detroit,  Jackson, 
Saginaw.  Bay  City,  Battle  Creek,  Kalamazoo, 
Cleveland  and  Chicago. 

-For  Syracuse,  Buffalo  and  New  York  State 
points. 

at  Niagara  Falls — no  extra  charge 


Boston  &  Albany  R.  R. 


(N.   Y.  C.  R.  R.  Co.,   Lessee) 


Information 

Concerning  Tickets 

will  be  gladly 

furnished 


NEWYORK 

^Central 


upon  request  to 

James  Gray,  D    P.  A. 

119  Worthington  St., 

Springfield,  Mass. 


'S^ff/i/Se/d 


(J 


The  College  Man's  Shop 

179  Main  St.,    Northampton 


Clothes,  Furnishings, 
Shoes,  Hats 


It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS   have  just   the  correct 
thing  in  young  men's  wear. 


Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 


The  SQUIB 

IS  on  sale  at  the  following  places 


Amherst: 


Adams  Drug  Store,    Aggie  Inn,    College  Drug  Store, 
Hastings,  College  Store 


South  Hadley  Center: 


Drug  Store 


Northampton: 


Heffernan  Stationers, 
Niqette's  Drug  Store.      (The  end  of  the  car  line) 


CO-OPERATION   IS   THE   KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


Campion 


FINE  TAILORING 


■^^ 


COLLEGE  OUTFITTER 


Ready     to    Wear    Clothes 


Dress  Suits  and  Accessories 


DRAPER    HOTEL 


NORTHAMPTON, 


MASS. 


We  Solicit  the  M.  A.  C. 
Patronage 

First  Class  Banquet  Facilities 


Wm.  m.  Kimball,  Prop. 


School  and  College 

IPbotootapbers 


52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


Main  Studios:    1546-48   BROADWAY 
New  York  City 


Wm.  G.  Bassett,  Pres.  N.  Kneeland,  Vice-Pres. 

Oliver  B.  Bradley,  Cashier 


First  National  Bank 

Northampton 


Do   Your  Banking  Business  with  Us. 

Deposits  Received  by  Mail  will 

be  Promptly  Acknowledged 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


!SE5> 


'^^r^'i 


Stop  at   the  Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD  ST.,  NEAR  BROADWAY 


""'!lMv§,S, 


'  5"   B     4  '  U 

•^j^'ff'A^'     Single  Room,  with  Bath     -     -     -      -     $2.00  to  $3.00  for  one 
k^ihk      Single  Room,  with  Bath  and  Two  Beds,  $4.00  to  $5.00  for  two 


TIMF  ^    NMi    \|   1 
r     I     III      I     I      ^cPK 


Located  just  off  Times  Square 

HOTEL     WOODSTOCK 

is  within   a   handy  walk    of   everjrthing — terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines — theatres  and  clubs,  yet  you  can  have  quiet,  refinement,  and  service  withal. 


European  plan  restaurant 
unexcelled  for  its    cuisine 


Write  for  our  Map  of  New  York 


Service  and  accommodations   unsur- 
passed for  completness  and  efficiency 


W.  H.  VALIQUETTE 

Managing  Director 


A.  E.  SINGLETON 

Asst.  Manager 


CLOSE  TO  THE  WALL 

"Ivy,   why  don't  you  cling  to  me?" 

He  cried   in  whispers  thick, 
"Oh  Archibald,  I  will,  she  said, 
I  think  that  you're  a  brick!" 

— Widow. 

TWENTY  FOR  A  SCENT 
History  Prof — Tell  about  the  Turkish  atrocities 
in  the  Middle  Ages. 

Nemo    Domi — I    didn't    know   people    smoked 
cigarettes  then. 

—Pitt  Panther. 


All  the  new  Spring  Styles 
are  here 


Ask  to  see  the  new 
Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  models 


Sanderson  &  Thompson 


He  (telling  jokes  in  the    Follies) — Do    you    see 
the  point.' 

She — If  it's  what  I  think   it   is,   I   don't,   and 
you're  no  gentlemen. " 

— Jack-o-Lantern. 

Glasses — Soused  last   night,   weren't  you? 

Ears — Only  had  one  glass — 

Glasses — What ! 

Ears — But  they   kept   filling  it   up!" 

— Michif/an  Gargoyle. 


A  word  to  the  wise  is  sufficient 

See    BARLOW 
Over  the  Savings  Bank 


CO-OPERATION  IS  THE  KEYNOTE  OF  SUCCESSFUL  BUSINESS 


Compliments  of 

E.  D.  Marsh  Rstate 

STUDENT  FURNITURE 

"For  the  I  .and's  Sake" 
Bowker 

Get  in  Practice  for  the  Winter 
Tournaments  at 

Metcalf's  Bowling  Alleys 

Alleys  May  be  Reserved  in 
Advance 

"The  Store  with  the  College  Atmosphere" 

College  Drug  Store 

ICE  CREAM        CANDIES       CIGARETTES 

STATIONERY,  BLANK  BOOKS  AND 
FOUNTAIN  PENS 

1918        and       19  19 
COLLEGE  STATIONERY 

^.   G.  Hastings 

NEWSDEALER    AND    STATIONER 

For  a   Delicious   Luncheon  or  Dimmer    Bring 
Your  Guests  to  the 

Amherst  House 

Fine  Banquet  Hall 
Catering  to  House  Parties  a  Specialty 

Tommy — Oh,  mother,  look  at  that  man!     He's 
only  got  one  arm. 

Mother — Hush!     He'll  hear   you. 
Tommy — Why,   doesn't   he   know  it? 

— Princeton   Tiger. 

Our  Food  Has  That  Tasty  Taste  Which  Reminds 
You  of  Home 

North  End  Lunch 

On  the  Left  as  You  Enter  the  Campus 

Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served  in 
the  most  modern  manner  at  the 

COLONIAL  INN 

At  the  entrance  to  the  campus 

Perfectly  appointed  rooms  for 
your  guests 

Attractive  Dining  Room 

Exceptional  Cuisine 
Telephone  8351 

GILMORE     THEATRE 

the    home   of   burlesque 

Four  Days  Every  Week  Beginning  Wednesday 
MATINEE  DAILY 

HENRY  ADAMS  CO. 

DrugGists     & 
Candies  and  Ices     Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 

CO-OPERATE  AVITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


The  Really  Progressive  Paper 
of  Western  Massachusetts 


The  Springfield  Union 


Morning 


Sunday 


Evening 


LIVE 
NEWS 


Full  Associated  Press  service.  Special  articles  in  every  field  of  peace  or  war,  business  or  politics, 
by  recognized  authorities.  Local  and  suburban  territory,  including  the,  colleges,  adequately 
covered. 


LIVE  "^^^  Union  is  the   recognized  leader  in  the  field  of  sports.      Baseball,   football,   rowing,   bowling, 

SPORTS        tennis,  golf,  hockey — all  are  written  about  by  men  who  KNOW.      M.  A.  C.  activities  are  always 
fully  reported. 

The  Union  is  a  well-rounded  newspaper.  Generous  space  is  devoted  to  poultry,  horticulture, 
RURAL  dairying  and  general  farming,  particular  attention  being  given  to  the  organized  efforts  now 
LIFE  making  to  improve  conditions  in  the  rura/ districts. 

THE     BAY     STATE      RURALIST      is     a     regular      feature     of     The      Sunday     Union 

(This   section    written   by   M.   A.   C.   Journalism   students) 


Nnttnturk  i^atti 


X/ancing 

Supper  Dances  every  Wednesday  Evening  from 
8:30  to  11:30  in  the  Ball  Room. 

Tea  Dances  Saturday  Afternoons  from  3:30  to 
6  P.  M. 

SUNDAY   TABLE   D'HOTE  DINNER  $1.25 

Served  from  6:30  to  8:30  (with  music) 
GORHAM   BENEDICT,  Manager 


Caps  and  Gowns 

Makers  to 

Massachusetts  Agricultural,  Amherst,  Brown,  Yale 
and  many  others 

Faculty  Gowns  and  Hoods 

Purple,  Choir  and  Judical  Robes 

Cox  Sons  &  Vining 

72  Madison  Ave.,  New  York 


MENTION   THE  .SQUIB 


OOIE  5QU1D 


Senior — Your   mandolin    looks    considerably 
^     worn  out." 

Junior — Why  shouldn't  it? 

Senior — I'll  bite,  spring  it. 

Junior — It's  coiitiniuxlly  being  picked  on. 


ZOO-ZOO  SNAP 

THERE  was  a  young  paramoecium  who  would 
a  wooing  go, 
His  nucleus  said  no,  oh  no; 
But   the   paramoecium   couldn't   find  a   conjugal 
mate 
With  whom  to  make  a  pleasant  date, 
So  the  nucleus  kept  a  wishin' 
For  just  a  plain  binary  fission. 
Disheartened,   the  paramoecium  cried,    "What's 

the  yoose." 
And  where  there  was  one,  now  there's  dooce. 


# 


Professor,  discussing  sulphur — The  amount  of 
>ASSENGER  on  the  B.   &    M.— AVhat    makes     sulphur  in  the  human  body  varies  with  different 

the  train  run  so  smoothly?  people. 

Conductor— It  is  off  the  track.  Freshmen— Is    that    why    some    people    make 

better  matches  than  others? 


rOMMY — "I  looked  in  the  window  when   Sis 
was  in  the  parlor  with  her  beau  last   night." 
Father — ^"What  did  you  find  out,  my  son?" 
Tommy — "The  lamp  sir." 


French  Professor — When  was  the  fall  of  Paris? 
Freshmen — ^Just   before    winter. 


# 


FIRST  FRESHIE— We  almost  had  steak    for 
dinner. 
Second  Freshie — AVhy  didn't  we? 
First  Freshie — Oh,  the  cow  had  to  go  and  get 
well. 


boy. 


¥.  KEY — Oil  get  mad  and  greb  your  nose. 
you  do. 


Son — What  is  hoi"se  sense? 

Father — It  is  the  faculty  of  saying  "nay"  my     •^     Jay   Key — ^You  will   haf   your   hends   full   if 


L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 
Associate  Editor 
H.  M.  WARREN  '17 
Circulating  Editor 

PRATT  '17 


$1.50  A  YEAR 

"QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE" 

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CENTS  A 

COPY 

Published  Once  A 

Month 

All  business  communications  should  he  addressed  to  the  Business 
communications  should  be  submitted  to  the  Editor-in-Chief ;  as  well  as  all 

Manager; 
drawings. 

literary 

Vol. 

II. 

FEBRUARY, 

1916 

No.  8 

O,  Squihhy,  attention,  for  at  this 
time  you  must  open  the  haven  of 
youi'  heai't  and  the  gates  of  your 
x\lma  Mater,  'tis  a  fair  and  festive 
day,  and  it  is  necessary  for  you  to 
welcome  your  guests,  the  illustrious 
alumni.  Therefore,  remove  your 
sweat  shirt  and  sweater  and  replace 
them  with  a  smile,  a  necktie  and  a 
collar.  .  Even  Adam  and  Eve  in 
their  day  would  have  looked  for  a 
more  appropriate  dress  on  a  similar 
occasion.     AYhy.^     Don't    ask,    even    for  Nut  Grapes  there  is  a  reason. 

<3^  #  ^ 

Alumni  Day  is  not  an  idealism  which  is  embedded  in  your  maliogany  dome  and  can't  get 
out  because  of  the  thick  walls.  Non,  non,  Monsieur,  it  is  a  realism  which  has  engrafted  itself  deep 
into  the  hearts  of  both  graduates  and  undergraduates.  It  comes  but  once  a  year  as  all  good  things 
do  (except  our  weekly  allowances  which  never  come).  Therefore  it  is  both  fitting  and  proper  to 
discard  our  masks  and  give  the  alumni  the  glad  hand.  There  is  no  war  without  its  peace  ship, 
and  neither  is  there  an  alumnus  without  a  few  encom-aging  words.  Listen  to  their  ancient  words 
of  the  days  when  they  were  here,  and  you  will  hear  utterances  of  surprise  in  their  finding  the  numer- 
ous changes  on  the  campus.  The  Auditorium,  the  Alumni  Field,  the  Microbiology  building,  as 
well  as  the  infirmary  for  the  invalids,  arouse  a  profound  interest  in  their  feelings.     These  changes 


■THE      SQUIB 


appear  only  on  the  surface  and  are  truly  not  the  most  important.  But,  they  find  the  old  Aggie  "pep" 
still  existing  and  steadily  increasing,  for  without  this  spirit  what  would  be  the  value  of  the  numerous 
renovations?  That  is  pi-ecisely  the  way  that  Squihhy  feels  and  the  presence  of  the  alumni  makes 
his  reverent  spirit  come  to  tJie  surface.  And  so  he  extends  his  hand  to  the  Aggie  Alumni  wishing 
all  a  cordial  welcome  to  their  dear  old  Alma  Mater. 


# 


# 


IN  MEMORIAM 

Shed  a  tear  of  deep  regret  for  the  fellow  that  was  flunked  out.  He  studied  and  plugged  his  very 
best,  that,  I'm  sure  you  won't  doubt.  But  study  and  plugging  are  of  little  avail,  and  you  may  grind 
your  head  off  all  night,  for  if  luck  is  against  you,  you'z'e  forced  to  quit  without  questioning  wrong 
or  right. 

But  believe  me,  old  man,  I  say  it's  no  joke,  when  you've  stayed  in  the  fight  so  long,  to  bid  all 
dreams  of  the  future  farewell.  It's  not  right — it's  somewhat  wrong.  Perhaps  you  have  spent  three 
hard  years  or  more,  and  a  lot  of  good  hard-earned  money,  to  be  suddenly  turned  adrift  in  the  world 
may  sound  like  a  joke.     It's  NOT  funny. 

I  know  thei-e's  no  humor  in  this  piece  of  advise,  for  I  only  should  like  to  remind  you,  to  give  a 
kind  thought  to  the  fellow  who's  "down"  for  the  same  misfortune  may  find  you. 


# 


# 


J.  INCE  Squibby's  mental  faculty  for  expressing  humor  has 
declined  considerably  or  perhaps  he  never  had  the  characteristic 
knack  of  producing  the  same,  he  realizes  that  the  readers  of 
the  monthly  would  shout  with  joy  if  he  were  to  announce  that 
the  next  number  will  be  a  college  girls  number.  Such  is  the 
case,  Johanna,  for  the  next  issue  will  contain  the  humor  of  our 
sister  colleges,  and,  last  but  not  least  the  wit  of  our  own  Co-eds. 
Thus  prepare  yourself  gentlemen,  for  there  is  no  rose  bush 
without  a  thorn  and  neither  is  there  a  girl  without  some  wit. 
NUF  CED. 


^ 


Yes,  you're  right.  Squibbj^  couldn't  go  to  pi-ess  without  a  few  words  of  thanks  to  the  Y.  M.  C.  A. 
for  having  secured  the  services  of  Mr.  Raymond  Robins  for  a  series  of  talks.  It  was  a  rare  message 
to  the  men  of  Aggie  and  those  who  missed  his  talks  may  well  regret  their  absence  from  them.  Natur- 
ally Squibby  absorbed  the  humor  of  the  speaker  and  he  finds  himself  deeply  interested  in  his  words 
concerning  that  great  American  game — Poker — No,  no,  nothing  like  that  in  our  family,  we  only 
play  Strip  Poker  here  at  Aggie  but  we  have  plenty  of  opportunities  to  learn  the  regular  game  for 
the  speaker  informed  us  that  the  Faculty  can  tell  us  why  is  a  flush?  and  any  point  that  we  wish  to  know. 
Very  good  Louie,  why  not  a  course  in  playing  poker?     Think  it  over. 


-THE     SQUIB 


HOUR 

6  A.  M. 

7  A.  M. 

8  A.  M. 

9  A.  M. 


10  A. 

M. 

11  A. 

M. 

12  M 

1  P. 

M. 

1. 30  P.M. 

AN  X-RAY  OF  A  PROM  CARRIAGE 

As  is  shown  to  us  by  a  "Vet."  scientist 


AFTER  THE  PROM. 
EVENT 

Sleep — Five  blankets  deep. 
BIG  BEN  clangs  in  the  next  cell. 
The  bell  metal  in  the  chapel  tower 
vibrates. 

Same  as  (8  A.  M.  only  more  serious, 
by  one  bell.) 

Motion  under  the  five-all  wool — it. 
A  shut   eye  appears  above  the  sel- 
vedge and  unshuts. 
Hero  stands  on  end  surrounded  by 
bathrobe. 

A  dress  suit  moth  balled  and  neatly 
packed  away. 

Hero    eases    down    Dorm    stairs    to 
dinner. 


1st  Prommer — Why  is  a  chaperon? 
2nd    Prommer — To    correct    temperature    and 
pressvire. 


SARTOR  RESARTUS 

¥ F  you  should  take  a  gii-1  to  an  informal,  and — ■ 
*  she  should  come  out  of  the  dressing  room 
wearing  one  of  those  simplified  gowns — consisting 
solely  of  a  chest  pi-otector  and  a  skirt  at  half 
mast — would  you  be  justified  in  demanding 
redress  ? 


The  Sophomores,  we  note  with  grim  satis- 
faction, lost  only  a  few  of  their  number  at  the 
semi-annual  butchery.  If  they  keep  on  at  this 
i-ate,  they  are  in  danger  of  becoming  imminent 
scholars. 


UNDER     THE     SPREADING     CHESTNUT 

UNDER  the   spi-eading  chestnut  tree 
A  blushing  Smith  girl  stands. 
The  pretty  space  twixt  arm  and  hand 
A  little  wrist-watch  bands 
The  fancy  bag  she  lightly  swings 
First  aid  to  beauty  bears 
A  powder  puff,  a  pencil  rouge 
And  jeweled  pins  (for  tears), 
A  card  case,  coin  purse,  a  barrette 
A  handkerchief,  a  yard  of  net 
A  drinking  cup,  a  collar  stay, 
A  ticket  to  the  matinee, 
A  comb,  a  brush,  a  powder  rag 
All  this  we  find  in  the  Smith  Girl's  Bag. 


-THE    SQUIB 


A  LETTER  THAT  DROPPED  OUT  OF  THE 
MAIL  BAG 

Friend  Nutsie: 

I'll  have  to  write  and  tell  you  about  our  new 
invention,   The  Prom.   Cabaret. 

"Mah  goodness,  mah  goodness,"  as  Peter 
Porter  says,  I  haven't  had  such  a  good  time  since 
my  mother  turned  me  bottom  side  up  for  giving 
the  gold  fish  a  hot  water  bath.  I  called  for  my 
fair  one  and  had  to  wait  a  good  hour  for  her  to 
put  the  finishing  "touches"  on.  The  girls  wore 
their  hats  while  dancing  you  know  (sort  of 
advance  showing  of  Easter  millinery)  and  her 
hat  sawed  my  chin  so  I  wore  a  piece  of  court 
plaster  on  it  for  a  week  afterwards.  But  what 
won't  we  do  for  the  ladies? 

The  music  and  singing  as  usual  was  beyond 
criticism.  So  far  beyond  that  I  can't  reach  it. 
Tables  were  placed  around  the  hall,  surrounded 
by  a  young  forest,  and  our  fair  co-eds  served  ice 
cream,  which,  if  you  were  wise  you  finished 
before  your  next  dance,  for  when  you  came 
back  you  were  likely  to  find  that  ice  cream  and 
dishes  too,  had  vanished. 

My  girl  gave  my  pride  an  awful  jolt  that  day. 
She  had  just  danced  a  dance  with  another  dancer 
and  she  said  "Do  you  know  that  when  you  dance 
with  me  you  dance  pretty  well.'"  Seeing  my 
deepening  blush  she  hastened  to  correct  herself, 
"Oh  no,  no,  I  mean  that  when  we  dance  together 
you  dance  so  much  better  than  with  anyone  else." 
Of  course  you  know  I  didn't  object  to  her  self 
praise  but  admitted  I  couldn't  quite  see  through 
it  yet.  She  thought  it  over  a  while  and  with 
profuse  apologies  said  she  meant  to  say  that, 
although  she  knew  she  wasn't  a  good  dancer 
she  danced  very  well  when  she  danced  with  me. 
A  little  better,  no  doubt,  and  my  pride  slid  back 
into  its  accustomed  place. 

Just  the  same,  old  man,  the  Cabaret  was  THE 
thing  and  I  hope  to  see  another. 

Eternally  fraternally  yours, 

Jasper. 


WOMAN!  YOU  ARE  DRIVING  ME  TO  DRINK 


ADVICE  TO  THE  LOVELORN 
Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

I  am  in  a  very  perplexing  situation.  For  the 
last  few  weeks  I  have  been  praising  my  girl  every 
time  I  have  been  to  see  her.  Now  if  I  stop  prais- 
ing her  she  will  think  that  I  don't  love  her  any 
more  and  if  I  keep  it  up  she  will  think  that  she 
is  too  good  for  me.  What,  0  what  shall  I  do? 
Yours  lovely, 

I.  M.  Stuck. 

Dear  I.  M.  Stuck, 

I  really  think  I  am  stuck  myself,  but  since 
you  have  praised  her  10  to  the  10th  power  times 
too  many,  it  is  essential  that  you  write  to  Skinny 
Shanner  of  the  Boston  American  Staff  and  he 
may  enlighten  you  and  appoint  you  a  member  of 
the  Zoological  Department  as  the  writer  of  "well 
known  sayings  in  the  game  of  love." 


APTAIN  of  Company  G— Fire  at  will! 
Private— -Who  is  Will? 


SIMPLY  A   FENCING  MATCH 


HAIR  RAISING 

Friend — Why  where  are  your  pretty  locks? 
Artist — I  gave  one  of  them  to  a  young  lady. 
Friend — But  the  rest  of  them? 
Artist — My  wife  took  them  when  she  found  it 
out. 


-THE    SQUIB- 


POOR  CUPID 

CUPID  has  his  munition  factories  working  over 
time  at  Aggie.  His  consumption  of  arrows 
is  something  extraordinary.  Just  think  of  it, 
dear  reader,  20  per  cent  of  the  Senior  class  are 
either  married  or  engaged.  Why — ^why! — why — 
I  dunno,  it's  hard  to  believe,  but  such  is  the 
case.  I  don't  see  any  cigars  being  distributed 
on  the  campus — well,  never  mind  sedate  ones — 
good  luck  to  you  and  may  your  troubles  be  small 
ones. 

PROF. — What  is  a  centimeter? 
Sleepy  Soph. — It  is  an  animal  with  a  hun- 
dred feet. 


GENERAL — Is  your  command  well  armed.f* 
Sergeant — Yes  General,  two  per  man  except 
private  O'Leary  who  lost  one  of  his  in  the  last 
engagement. 

SCOTTY 

SrOTTY  is  the  pea-jacketed  sailor, 
who  breaks  the  bonds  of  every  jailer 
Increases  his  neck  seven  inches  around 
Grows  ten  inches  up  from  the  ground 
Dislocates  each  and   every  bone 
So  you  can  hear  'em  crackle  and  groan 
Sings  like  a  lover  upon  his  knees 
Gets    half    way    through    and    says    "holy    good 
cheese." 


THE  LULU  BIRD  SAYS— 
Love  is  a  game  that  is  never  called  on  the  account 

of  darkness. 
If  ten  cents  a  line  is  the  rate  of  the  Western  Union 

Telegraph  what  is  sodium  nitrate? 
Since  the  two  steps  on  the  cars  have  come  into 

use  the  hobble  skirt  is  going  out  of  fashion. 
A  man  who  bets  is  a  bad  man,  but  a  man  who 
doesn't  bet  is  no  better. 


THE  SNAIL-MAN 

(Slowly  and  with  deep  feeling) 

SLEEPER,   sleeper,   dear  old  ci-eeper 
Crawling  down  the  line 
We  wonder,  yes  we  wonder 
If  in  thunder,  if  you  have  a  letter 
That  is  solely  mine 
You're  due  at  'leven 
(Should  be  seven.) 
We're  lucky  if  you  come  by  noon. 
Never  mind  old  creeper. 
You  help  us  keep  Her 
By  carrying  our  letters  to  and  fro, 
And  we'll  be  sorry,  yes  very  sorry. 
To  ever  see  you  go. 


\^1L 


THIS  IS  HOW  HE  DID  IT 

HARRY  VETCH— Yah,  I  was  quite  an  agri- 
culturalist  myself  once. 
Timothy  Straw — ^Yah? 

Harry  Vetch — Yah — many  a  time  have  I  used 
hay  for  a  cover  crop. 


Knut — -There    isn't    going    to    be    any    dancing 
at    Mountain    Park    this    year. 


P.  Knut— Why  not? 


«<"  '!|i»**; 


i'f 


Knut — All  the  two-steps  are  on  the  cars. 


-THE    SQUIB 


TYPOGRAPHICAL 

(Pass  it  along) 
To  print  a  kiss  upon  her  lips 

He  thought  the  time  was  ripe; 
But  when  she  went  to  press  she  said, 
"I   do  not  like  your  type." 

— Boston   Transcript. 

A  kiss  he  printed  on  her  lips 
And  showed  her  no  contrition, 

Because  the  artful  minx  inquired: 
"Well,  when's  the  next  edition." 

— Bi r ming ham  A ge-Herald . 

He  took  her  headliiies  in  his  arms 

And  murmured,  "May  I  kiss  you?" 

"I'll  be  your  galley  slave."     She  sighed, 
"I  can't  evade  the  issue." 

— J  ack-o' -Lantern . 

"Your  features  make  me  want  to  wed" 

He  sighed;  she  held  aloof 
And  said,  "Your  want  adds  to  my  joy, 

But  let  me  see  the  proof." 

—  The  Gargoyle. 

He  rhymed  some  copy  to  her  then 

(For  better  or  for  woi-se). 
An  inkling  of  his  lead  she  scooped, 
A"nd  said,  "I'm  not  averse." 


THERE    THE    PALE    (Pail)    ARTIST 
HIS  SICKLY  TRADE 

Goldsmith 


PLIES 


Scene  on  Campus  on  a  Rainy  Day 


THE  girl  stood  on  the  burning  deck. 
Whence  all  but  she  had  fled, 
And  when  she  found  she  couldn't  go, 
She  turned  both  blue  and  red. 

She  only  had  her  nightie  on, 
And  the  night  was  very  cold. 
She  shivei-ed  so,  that  in  her  mouth 
Her  false  teeth  she   couldn't  hold. 

At  last  the  ship  was  all  burned  up 
And  the  girl  jumped  into  the  sea 
And  against  a  piece  of  wreckage 
She  bumped  her  little  knee. 

This  hurt  her  so  she  couldn't  swim 
And  was  about  to  give  up  hope 
When  a  boat-load  of  full  fishermen 
Threw  her  a  big  long  rope. 

They  turned  and  towed  her  to  the  shore, 
For  there  was  no  room  in  the  boat, 
And  there  on  the  sand  were  her  old  false  teeth, 
Now  wouldn't  that  get  your  goat. 


gT. 


NO  WONDER 
TUDENT^Look  at  the  condition  of  this    suit 

which  I  bought  here  only  six  weeks  ago. 
Tailor — No   wonder,    when   you   climb   out   of 
the  window  every  time  you  see   me   coming  to 
collect  for  it. 


# 


f    ITTLE  WILLIE— Mamma,  do  all  fairy  tales 
'■^     begin   "Once   upon   a  time.?" 

His  Mother  (with  an  eye  on  little  Willie's  papa) 
— No,  my  dear,  sometimes  they  begin  "I  was 
detained  at  the  oflBce. 


THE     SQUIB- 


THE  ALIENATION  OF  AL 

Or  What  Happened  Ten  Years  Down  the  Trail 

AL  L'mnus,  the  Ten- Years-Out,  was  speeding 
Aggiewards  in  a  tumult  of  fond  recollections 
and  a  1916  Ford  runabout.  "After  all,"  he 
murmured  as  he  advanced  the  spark  and  dodged 
around  a  cuff-button  which  someone  had  care- 
lessly left  in  the  road,  "after  all  these  years,  will 
Aggie  seem  the  same  to  nie,  or  will  it  seem 
altered?  A  flood  of  memories  surged  up  from 
his  nether  consciousness.  The  class  banquet — 
the  initiation — the  razoo  riots — truly,  his  college 
course  had-  been  the  happiest,  not  to  say  the 
snappiest,  four  years  of  his  life.  And  he  had 
not  onlj'  enjoyed  a  turbulent  good  time:  he  had 
emerged  from  the  vortex  with  a  Liberal  Education. 
This  fact  comforted  him;  he  felt  that  h's  educa- 
tion had  been  very  liberal.  Not  much  of  it  had 
been  useful,  and,  by  definition,  anything  that 
isn't  useful  must  be  cultural. 

When  Al  reached  the  campus,  he  was  gratified 
to  find  the  old  land-marks  still  doing  business 
as  land-marks.  The  chem.  lab  and  the  drill 
hall  had  not  aged  appreciably,  having  long  since 
attained  the  maximum  of  decrepitude.  The 
college  pond  was  still  used  for  bacterial  cultures 
and  other  forms  of  culture.  Leaving  his  Ford 
in  the  Trophy  Room,  Al  set  out  to  make  a  tour 
of  the  faculty.  After  meeting  several  of  his  old 
Profs.,  he  decided  that  Paleontology  wasn't  in  his 
line,  a  decision  somewhat  reinforced  by  the 
appearance  of  a  gang  of  classmates.  {Gang 
seems  to  be  a  more  appropriate  word  than  bevy 
although  herd  might  possibly  be  used).  The 
usual  felicitations  were  exchanged,  each  man 
keeping  a  firm  hold  on  his  watch,  in  order  to 
remain  posted  as  to  the  time.   .   .   . 

To  be  frank,  Al  was  somewhat  disappointed 
in  his  classmates.  They  had  grown  fat  and 
bald,  and  most  of  them  were  married.  They  had 
forgotten  how  to  play  poker,  and  couldn't  tell 
any  funny  stories.  What  a  state  of  things! 
They  knew  nothing  of  the  curi'ent  burlesques, 
and  hadn't  attended  the  Gilmore  since  Goodness- 
Knows-When.  In  fact,  they  were  dull,  prosaic 
and  uninteresting,  and  Al  was  quite  right  in 
feeling  indignant.  He  was  also  quite  right  in 
cranking  up  his  flivver  and  skidding  back  to  the 
Bright  Lights,  where  people  are  more  receptive 
and  convivial.  Do  you  blame  him-'  We  don't. 
We  are  glad  he  went. 

Moral:  If  you  want  to  be  a  Gay  Young  Loth- 
ario,   don't  try   any   of  that   stiift'   around   here. 
We've    reformed    since    Raymond    Robins    made 
us  sign  the  papers. 
8 


THE  ALUMNI  AS  WE  SEE  THEM 


AS  THEY  REALLY  ARE 


PREPAREDNESS 

OUR  hero  arose,  took  a  mercury  bath  for 
that  heavy  feeling),  ran  a  few  meters  of 
dental  floss  through  his  pearly  whites  and  yawned 
thrice.  Vainly  he  tried  the  combination  of  a 
Notch  collar  and  a  reversible  tie  (IT  did  not 
offer  a  becoming  background  for  his  skull  and 
bones  scarf  pin).  At  last  he  obtained  the  desired 
affect  when  he  riveted  a  gates-ajar  Clupeco 
shrunk  to  a  silkateen  shirt  with  a  furrowed 
bosom.  (The  gloss  shone  from  every  furrow). 
Then  he  invested  and  coated  himself  with  his 
pencil  stripe  slice  cut  English  suit.  His  hat 
was  of  the  common  sort  handy  to  doff  at  the 
approach  of  co-eds.  Completing  the  details  of 
his  simple  toilet  he  made  his  way  through  the 
silent  night  to  Stockbridge  Hall.  WHO  WAS 
HE.'  EASY!  A  shorthorn  going  to  the  short- 
horn concert. 


-THE    SQUIB 


DID  YOU  SAY  CHICKENS  BOYS? 

There   are   plenty   of  them   at   AGGIE 


FORUM 

Feasible  Fees  for  Future  Feverish  Freshmen 
1.  Infirmary  (when  the  pond  is  perfectly  clean). 
For  the  promiscuous  use  of  the  various  green 

receptables. 
For  vieM'  of  the  Mount  Warner  sunset  (from 

the   Chem.   Lab.) 
For    electric    fans,    ammonia    and    ice    bags 

(during  finals  only). 
For    thermometric    surprises    (not    listed    in 

the  catalogue). 
For    weekly    boutonnieres     (for    the    Senate 

members). 
For  damages   during   Major  talks    (to   other 

majors). 
For  the  maintenance  of  Campus  guards   (at 

every  paper  towel). 


6 


8 


AGGIE  ECONOMICS  WITH  ADAM  AND  EVE 

Imports  and  Exports 

STUDENT— Gee,  I  wish  we  only  had  to    do 
these  for  Adam  and  Eve's  time  when    they 
raised  but  three   crops. 
So?     What  were  they? 
Hay,  fig  leaves  and  whiskers. 


NEWS  ITEM  1966 

Di'aper  Hall  originally  the  College  dining  hall 
is  now  the  "Home  For  Aged  and  Retired  Assistant 
Superintendents  of  the  Grounds  Department."  We 
witness  with  pleasure  the  varied  activities  of 
these  worthy  gentlemen.  Although  quite  vener- 
able they  are  still  able  to  shovel  snow  or  trim 
shrubbery  for  a  few  minutes  occasionally.  The 
good  old  fellows  recently  had  a  banquet.  As  a 
fitting  climax  to  the  afl^air  a  handsome  engraved 
Aluminum  Lawn  Mower  was  awarded  to  the 
winner  of  the  recent  contest  in  grafting  pie- 
plants. A  petition  was  read  from  the  residents 
of  the  Newburyport  Turn  Pike  asking  for  a 
few  seedlings  of  Bartlett  Pear  trees.  It  was 
granted  ...  A  rather  unfortunate  occurrence 
nearly  marred  the  success  of  the  evening.  One 
of  the  older  gentlemen  had  a  touch  of  insanity, 
he  murmured  something  about  the  time  when 
there  were  board  walks  on  the  very  Campus. 
He  was  immediately  removed  to  the  Goodwin 
AVard  of  the  Infirmary. 


•THE    SQUIB- 


LUCKY  DOG 

This  is  a  CRUEL  world  boys,  and  to  think  it   is 

Leap  Yeai-. 


# 


\  N  Aggie  Freshman  strolled  into  a  Gent's 
**  Misfit  Clothing  store  to  get  himself  a  new 
old  suit.    The  salesman  asked  him  "What  size?" 

"Well,"  said  the  freshie,  "I  can  wear  size  38, 
but  give  a  size  50." 

The  salesman  swallowed  hard  three  times  and 
said:  "What's  the  idea?" 

The  freshie  replied,  "Oh,  I  believe  in  getting 
all  I  can  for   my  money." 


# 


If  a  young  housewife  was  to  cast  her  bread 
upon  the  waters,  it  wouldn't  come  back  to  her. 
It  would  sink. 


# 


JOHN — You  ought  to  be  more  careful  in  what 
you  say  to  Dick,  he  will  be  challenging  you  to 
a  duel  one  of  these  days. 

Jack — He  has  already  challenged  me  but  when 
I  named  the  weapons  he  backed  out. 
John — What  weapons  did  you  name? 
Jack — Swords  at  fifty  paces. 

Professor — Thei'e  has  been  only  two  people  in 
the  history  of  the  world  who  have  been  able  to 
perform  this  experiment  which  I  am  about  to 
show  you,  and  one  of  them  is  now  dead. 

Voice  from  the  audience — ^Why  didn't  they 
bury  you? 


10 


-THE    SQUIB 


MOMENTS  AT  THE  COURSES 

ARE  these  big,  I'ed  books  the  students  are 
perusing  so  assiduously,  copies  of  Bowser" 
"What  Will  Happen  to  the  Giant  Amoeba, 
when  Gabi-iel  Blows  his  Horn  for  the  Millefolum," 
or  are  they  Baedekers'  Guide  to  Hamp  "  ?  Neither, 
Kind  Reader,  nor  are  they  the  Automobile  Blue- 
Book,  because  as  mentioned  herein  before,  they 
are  bound  in  attractive  red,  which  excludes  them 
from  the  category  of  Intei-esting  Reading.  Per- 
haps we  have  a  clue  when  the  professor  opens  the 
seance.  He  hands  out  large  packages  of  paper 
to  a  few  Willing  Workers,  who  nimbly  distribute 
them  among  the  class,  amid  loud  groans.  Of 
course,  this  is  only  a  jestful  bluff  on  the  part  o{ 
the  boys,  because  they  all  knew  that  there  was 
to  have  been  a  Written  Quiz. 

"What  effect  has  the  poem,  'The  Gilded 
Dome,'  on  the  rise  of  the  prices  demanded  by 
steeple-jacks  as  a  return  for  their  elevating 
influence.'"  (Loud  remarks,  addressed  to  nobody 
in  particular:  "That  was  never  assigned." 
"Don't   you   mean    'The    Golden   Thread'.?"). 

"We'll  have  a  little  of  Wordswoi-th  this  moi-n- 
ing."  (More  groans  and  a  confused  jumble 
which  finally  subsides  in  about  five  minutes.) 
Then  the  Reading  commences.  Some  of  the 
dear  students  begin  to  look  like  the  very  personi- 
fication of  "rapt  Attention,"  while  others  take 
on  the  appearance  of  a  man's  size  nap.  The 
recital  grows  intense.  The  words  float  up  to 
the  ceiling  over  the  students'  heads  with  a  burning 
eloquence.  The  drowsy  listener  has  a  vague 
impression  of  an  arm  and  hand  i-aising  in  the 
air,  somewhei-e  Down-in-Front.  The  finger 
quivers  with  feeling  as  it  points  toward  Heaven, 
and    the    poem    describes    the    torture    of    some 

poor  soul  in .     The  students  nod  their  heads, 

but  it  is  not  with  approbation,  it  is  with  drowsi- 
ness. The  finger  still  remains  suspended.  So 
does  the  reading.  Then  a  voice  from  the  rear 
says:   "Doctor   Munyon,   put   down  that   hand." 


THE  VESTED  CHOIR 

Sing  Brothers  Sing 

A  STUDENT  rushed  into  the  Hash  House 
Cafeteria  and  hollered  at  the  waiter," 
Say,  Snail,  crawl  over  here  with  a  couple  of  leads 
and  a  cup  of  mud  Mater  without  any  cow  in  it. 

"  Whatchemean,"  said  the  crawler. 

"Why  I  mean  sinkers  you  poor  Doughnut. 
Aren't  they  made  of  lead.     Ha!  Ha! 

When  leaving  he  planked  a  plugged  nickel 
down   on   the   counter    (Boston   prices.) 

"Say,"  said  the  cashier,  "that  nickel  has  a 
hole  in  it." 

"So  has  your  sinkers,"  said  the  student,  as 
the  darkness  swallowed  him. 


Please  send  flowers  to  the  Mayor  of  East 
Entry,  You  Know  Don  Well,  he's  the  cause  of 
the  above. 

pROFESSOR— Always  remember    if   you   add 
■■•        one  to  it,  it  will  always  be  odd. 

Whisper  in  back  row — Some  one  must  have 
added  one  to  you. 


11 


THE     SQUIB 


SQUIBBY'S   RIDE 

OUT  of  the  west  at  the  break  of  dawn 
The  PELICx'^.N  sounded  his  raucous  horn. 
The  affrighted  air  with  a  shudder  bore 
The  Illinois  SIREN  to  the  chieftain's  door, 
The  terrible  grumble,  rumble  and  roar, 
Telling  the  Princeton  TIGER  was  there  that  day 
And   SQUIBBY  twenty   miles   away. 

There  is  a  road  from  Hanover  town 

A  good  broad  highwaj^  leading  down 

And  there  through  the  flush  of  its  own  white  light, 

The    JACK    0"-LANTERN     speeds    thru     the 

night ; 
The  CORNELL  WIDOW  swept  with  eagle  flight, 
And  the  Pittsburg  PANTHER  knew  the  terrible 

need 
So  he  stretched  away  with  his  utmost  speed. 
Hills  rose  and  fell,  but  their  hearts  were  gray 
For  SQLTIBBY  was  fifteen  miles  away. 


A  MAN'S  A  MAN  FOR  A'THAT 


The  MEDICINE  MAN  sped  down  the  road. 

Like  the  angry  GARGOYLE  under  the  goad, 

And  the  JESTER  sped  far  ahead 

Not  by  the  LONGHORN  to  be  lead; 

And  the  PUNCH  BOWL  like  LAMPOON  fed 

with  furnace  fire 
Swept  on,  with  the  PURPLE  COW  full  of  ire. 
But  Lo,  they  are  nearing  their  heart's  desire. 
The  LEHIGH  BURR  snuffs  the  smoke  of  the 

fray 
With  SQUIBBY  only  five  miles  away. 

The  first  that  SQUIBBY  saw  were  groups 
Of  Stragglers,  then  the  retreating  troops: 
What    was    done.?     What    to     do?     The    SUN 

DIAL  told  him  both. 
Then    striking    his    spurs,    with    BRUNONIAN 

strength, 
He  dashed  down  the  line,  the  entire  length. 
And  the  wave  of  retreat  was  checked  because 
The  sight  of  the  master  compelled  it  to  pause. 
With  foam  and  dust  SQUIBBY  was  gray 
By  the  flash  of  his  eye  and  red  nostrils  play, 
He  seemed  to  the  whole  great  army  to  say 
I  have  brought  you  new  "pep"  all  the  way 
From  Amherst  town  to  save  the  day. 

With     due     apologies    to     Read. 


PASSENGER— What  makes  the  train  run  so 
slow? 
Irate  conductor — If  you  don't  like  it  you  can 
get  off  and  walk. 

Passenger — Hwonlrl,   only  I  am   not  expected 
until  train  time. 

12 


A  "PUCK"  ARTIST 

He   can   draw  any  goal  tender  out   of  the   cage 


VACUUM    CLEANING    IN    A     TONSORIAL 
PARLOR 
REMOVES  all  the— dirt 


—THE    SQUIB- 


The  Ca-i^rpillar and  —     -    ^e  'A)\x^rHj 

A   ^ecoWec^-n  o^^<e  'Prom 


i/ke 


'^Aumoer' 


niLXT! 


T' 


The  biggest,  best  number  yet 

Contributions  to  be  received  from: 
Holyoke,  Radcliff,  Simmons,  Smith  and  Wellesley 


Be  Prepared 


13 


Have  your  photograph  made  at  a  Studio  where 
you  are  assured  of  entire  satisfaction  both  as  to 
price  and  quality. 

Make  appointments  for  portraits  and  fraternity 
groups  by  telephone  at  our  expense. 

The 

Katherine  E.  McClellan 

Studio 

44  State  Street,  -  Northampton,  Mass. 


Compliments  of 

A.  J.  GALLUP,  INC, 

We  sell 

Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx  Clothes 


293-297  HIGH  ST., 


HOLYOKE,  MASS. 


Pianos,  Player-Pianos 

Victor- Victrolas 

lOc— POPULAR  SONGS— lOc 

L.  M.  PIERCE  CO. 


98  Pleasant  Street 

0pp.  Plaza 


Northampton 
A.  R.  HODDER,  Mgr. 


DOOLEY'S  INN 

HOLYOKE 


ann  nn  rji  rgi  rcj 
20  GD  E3  Gs  E3 


The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds  for 
Ye  Aggie  Men 


MEALS   SERVED    AT   ALL     HOURS 


"The  Mutual" 

Headquarters  for 

Winslow  Skates 

HOCKEY  STICKS,  SKATE  STRAPS, 
PUCKS,  ETC. 

The  Mutual  Plumbing  &  Heating  Co. 


Ros'es! 


Roses! 


The  Montgomery  Co.,  Inc. 

'R.ose  Growers 

HADLEY,     MASS. 

Thousands  of  roses  cut  daily 

Furnished  in  any  quantity 

Sent  anywhere 

Telephones:      Amherst  196-R.     Northampton  660 


Editor  of  College  Comic — Very  good  drawing 
l)ut   it  strikes  me  I've  seen  it  before. 

Contributer — Why  sir,   I  drew  it  from  life. 

Editor — I  guessed  it.     Try  some  of  the  other 
Comics   next   time.     I   read    Life   myself. 

— Briinonian. 

He — When  is  a  joke  not  a  joke? 
She— Well. 
He — Usually. 

— Wisconsin  Awh. 


**Ye    Aggie    Inn" 

''EVERYTHING  IS  SO   TASTY" 

Student  Supplies  of  all  Kinds  in  our  Store 

Ingersol  Watches  in  Celluloid  Cases  $1.00 


FIRMS  THAT  ADVERTISE  HAVE  SOMETHING   WORTH   OFFERING 


M.  A.  C.  Representatives 

DONALD  SHERINYAN,  1916 

5  North  Dormitory, 

Classes  of  1918—1919 


EDGAR  PERRY,  1916 

Alpha  Sigma  Phi  House, 

Classes  of  1916—1917 


A   FEW    OLD    SAWS    SHARPENED 

MANY  are  called,  but  few  know  when  to  lay 
down. 
A  stitch  in  time  saves  many  a  pair  of  good  sox. 
Eat,   drink  and  be — careful. 
Love    your    neighbors    as    yourself,    but    don't 
let  your  wife  catch  on. 

THIS  leaf  here. 
Is  my  dear 
The  fly  leaf  as  you  see; 
And  if  you're  wise. 

Don't  show  surprise, 
If  it  gets  fresh  to  thee. 


A  GOOD  PLACE  TO  EAT 

The  Ideal  Lunch 

S.  J.  HALL,  Prop. 

Excellent  Service  Fine  Cuisine 

40  Main  Street 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


Transcript 
Photo  Engraving  Company 

NORTH  ADAMS,  MASS. 

Engravers  of  Merit 


We  Solicit  Work  in   College 
Publications 
Get  Our  Rates 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

fl^rintiriQ 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printing— IRuIing— Binding 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


PATRONIZE  THESE  MEN  WHEN  IN  NORTHAMPTON 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 

flemings  ^oot  Shop 

211  MAIN  Street 


The  Spring  Styles  are  here 


NORTHAMPTON, 


MASS. 


Some  people  lire  to  eat,  Others  eat  to  live. 

Boyden's  Restaurant 

Serves  all 

Delicious  Dishes  Best  of  Service 

Catering 

Facilities  for  College  Banquets 


196  Main  St. 


Northampton 


BECKMANN'S 


ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candies  & 
Ice  Cream 


247-249  Main  Street 


Northampton 


An  Introduction 

ONE  moment,  please!    We'd  like  to  introduce  you 
to  our  new  spring  suits  for  young  men. 
Light    in    color,     light    in     weight,      light     in     price. 
$15.  buys  a  good  one. 

For  Twenty  Dollars  one  worth  $5.  more. 
$30    buys    the   quality  that    artisan    tailors    try    to 
equal. 

MERRITT,    CLARK    &    CO. 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


Wiswell  the  Druggist 

82   Main   St.  Northampton 

Did  you  know  that  we  are  serving  the  "Best" 
Hot  Chocolate 
to  be  had  anyvi^here 
Try  our 

Hot  Chocolate  Fudge  Sundae 

Its  a  Big  Hit 
Hamp's  Busiest  Soda  Fountain 


"And,  Bill,  have  you  been  to  'The  Birth  of  a 
Nation?'" 

"Sure,  I've  slept  in  one." 

"What?" 

"In  a  piillman  car,  you  boob." 

— -Yale  Record. 

Husband    (to    his    wife) — Come    to    me    little 
chick. 

Wife's     mother     (fanning    herself) — You've    a 
polite  way  of. calling  me  an  old  hen. 

— Lehigh  Burr. 


Opticians 


Particular  Merit 


O.T.  Dewhurst 

201  MAIN  ST. 

Opp.  City  Hall    Northampton 

Telephone  184-W 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

^he  JeWel 
Store 

Also  THE  WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Telephone  1307-M 


FIRMS  THAT   ADVERTISE   HAVE   SOMETHING   WORTH   OFFERING 


WHEN  YOU  ARE  IN  NORTHAMPTON  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 

Dancing  Pumps  and  Dancing 

RAHARS  INN 

Oxfords 

—  for— 

Northampton ,                                         Massachusetts 

EUROPEAN     PLAN 

The    Best    Place    To    Dine 

THE  JUNIOR  PROM 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 
ALL     KINDS     OF      SEA      FOOD 

E.  ALBERTS 

Good  Banquet  Facilities 

241   Main  Street                                        opp.  Clarke  Library 

Special  Dishes   at  All  Hours 

NORTHAMPTON 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 

GEORGE  HARDING    '19   Afient 

Order  Cooking                                                               Specials 

Woodward's  Lunch 

27  Main  Street            Masonic  Block 

The  Elms  Restaurant 

Lunches      Soda — Ice  Cream 

Best  Quality  Food          Moderate  Prices 

Closed  only  from  1   a.  m.  to  4  a.  m. 

E.  G.  DILL,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET                                   NORTHAMPTON 

F.  W.  WOODWARD,  Prop. 

PHELPS  &  GARE 

R,  F.  Armstrong  &  Son 

3lpmpbr0 

£       Headquarters   for    the   latest   in 
-"      College  Men's  wear  and  at  reas- 

onable prices.      We  make  a  specialty 

112  Main  Street     Northampton,  Mass. 

of      Young     Men's     Clothes      and 
Furnishings  at  prices  that  are  right. 

COME  and   look,    our    lines    over 

"Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to  look  over 

our  stock  at  any  time. 

80  Main  Street                           Northampton,  Mass. 

She  went  down  to  the  round  h'ouse 

Prepare  for  Your  Trips  at 

And  interviewed  an  oiler; 

"What  is  that  thing?"     "Wliy,"   he   replied, 
"That  is  the  engine  boiler." 

W.  L.  CHILSON 

"And  why  do  they  boil  engines?"  asked 

The  maiden,   sweet   and  slender; 
"They  do  it,"  said  the  honest  man. 

Trunks,    Bags,    Suit  Cases,  Horse  Goods 

"To    make    the    engine    tender." 

— Rose   Technic. 

Try  us  once  and  you  Will  try  us  again 

He — Do  you  believe  in  preparedness? 

She — Well  I  wouldn't  mind  being  in  arms. 

— Jester. 

141  Main  Street                                       Northampton 

GIVE  THESE  ADVERTISERS  A  CHANCE  TO  SHOW  YOU 


Gordon 


\ 


\ 


I 


The  college  man's  shirt.  Well  made  of 
fine  white  Oxford.  Cut  on  patterns  that 
assure  perfectly  comfortable  fit.    It  is  an 

ARROW  SHIRT 


PRESS 


CLUETT,  PEA  BODY  &  CO.,  Inc.,  Mf/ArrA  0/ A  R  ROW  C  O  L  L  A  RS,  T  R  O  Y,  N.  Y. 


PLYMOUTH  INN 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


A  High-Class  Hotel  desirably  located  for 

College  iPatronage 

Especially  suited  to  the  requirements  of 

tourists  on  account  of  its  pleasant 

location 


American  and  European  Plans 
Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


The  College  Man's  Shop 

179.  Main  St.,   Northampton 


Clothes,  Furnishings, 
Shoes,  Hats 


It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS  have  just  the  correct 
thing  in  young  men's  wear. 


Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 


Excellent 

Dining  Car 

Service 


Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 


Best    Trains    West 


12.45  p.  m.   " 
2.55  p.  m.  " 

4.37  p.  m.    - 

7.25  p.  m.   - 

10.28  p.  m.    - 

Stop-over 


Leave  Springfield 

-For  Buffalo,  Toledo,  Elkhart,  South  Bend  and 
Chicago. 

-20th  Century  Limited.  Arrives  Pittsburg 
7.15  a.  m.,  Chicago  9.45  next  morning. 

-For  Cleveland.  Columbus.  Dayton,  Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis,  St.,.Louis,  Detroit  and  Chicago. 

-For  Buffalo,  "St.  Thomas,  Detroit,  Jackson, 
Saginaw,  Bay  City,  Battle  Creek,  Kalamazoo, 
Cleveland  and  Chicago. 

-For  Syracuse.  Buffalo  and  New  York  State 
points. 

at  Niagara  Falls — no  extra  charge 


Boston  &  Albany  R.  R. 


(N.   Y.   C.  R.   R.  Co.,   Lessee) 


Information 

Concerning  Tickets 

will  be  gladly 

furnished 


^ 


NEWYORK 

(ENTRAL 

*^.  LINES  J 


upon  request  to 
James  Gray,  D.  P.  A. 
119  Worthington  St., 
Springfield,  Mass. 


The  SQUIB 

IS  on  sale  at  the  following  places 


Amherst: 


Adams  Drug  Store,    Aggie  Inn,    College  Drug  Store, 
Hastings,  CollegeStore 


South  Hadley  Center: 


)rug  Store 


Northampton: 


HeffeTnan  Stationers, 
Niqette's  Drug  Store.      (The  end  of  the  car  line) 


CO-OPERATION   IS  THE   KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


Campion 


FINE  TAILORING 


COLLEGE  OUTFITTER 


Ready     to    Wear    Clothes 


Dress  Suits  and  Accessories 


School  and  College 

pbotoorapbers 


52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


Main  Studios:    1546-48   BROADWAY 
New   York  City 


DRAPER    HOTEL 


NORTHAMPTON, 


MASS. 


We  Solicit  the  M.  A.  C. 
Patronage 

First  Class  Banquet  Facilities 


Wm.  m.  Kimball,  Prop. 


Wm.  G.  Bassett,  Pres.  F.  N.  Kneeland,  Vice-Pres. 

Oliver  B.   Bradley,  Cashier 


First  National  Bank 

Northampton 


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be  Promptly  Acknowledged 


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Women  Outer-apparel  of  Incomparable  Smartness 

and  Distinction 


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OMEN'S  suits  which  in  treatment  are  suggestive  of  the  days  of  yore 
and  unusually  smart .  Coats  showing  a  decided  element  of  novelty 
-  in  materials  and  colors.  Dresses  decisively  distinctive  and  very 
beautiful;  Wraps  of  charming  becomingness,  and  millinery  with  a 
decidedly  chic  air  of  originality  and  novelty  both  in  trimming  and 
shape.  We're  ready,  splendidly  ready,  with  everything  that  will 
be  the  vogue  for  the  new  season. 


A.  Steiger  &  Co. 


HOLYOKE 


Seven  large  and  progressive  stores  in  New  England. 


Mail  and  phone  orders  promptly  filled, 


SHEEHAN'S  SHOP 


233  Maple  St. 


Holyoke,  Mass. 


DRESSES  AND  SUITS 


Designed  and  especially  adapted  for 
all  outdoor  activities.  -  -  - 
Juniors  and  Misses'  in  Warranted 
Materials.  .  .  .  . 


(&YUStS 


THE  SPECIALTY  SHOP  FOR  WOMEN 

190  STATE  STREET  SPRINGFIELD,  MASS. 


Our  Spring  and  Summer  Line  of  Suits,  Dresses, 
Skirts  and  Waists,  are  almost  complete  with  a 
Special  Selection  of  Youthful  Models  Suitable  for 
The  College  Miss 


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A.  A.  ®ooI|ey 


Women's  Wear 

Distinctive  in  Design 

and  Quality 


Telephone 


177  Main  St.,  Northampton,   Mass. 
Portland,  Maine 


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a  Studio  where  you  are  assured  of 
entire  satisfaction  both  as  to  price 
and  quality. 

Make  appointments  for  portraits 
and  fraternity  groups  by  telephone 
at  our  expense. 

THE 

KATHERINE  E.  McCLELLAN 
STUDIO 

44   State  Street 
Northampton,   Mass. 


'*Bide-a-Wee" 


THE 


^be  mHaftle  Ibnuse 

Waffles  and  Other  Good  Things  to  Eat 

MRS.  L.  M.  STEBBINS 

Middle  St.  Tel.  415-W  Hadley,  Mass. 


aub  ®^a  Ennma 

§"01x111  ^a&Ipy,  ifflasa. 

IQclramps  fflnur  JJalranagr 

iFttiPst  nf  3lrf  (Erram 

Srlictnita  S'traiubrrry  ^liortraUr 

Sujpntg-fiup   ijufBta  ran   be  arrnminnliatrii 
during  "Aggip"  rumm?nrrmrnt 


A  GOOD  UNDERSTANDING 

Your  chorus  girl  friend  seems  like 
a  bright  little  thing. 

Yes,  she  exhibits  more  or  less 
understanding. 


BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candiesl& 
Ice  Cream 

247-249  Main  Street 
Northampton 


— Lampoon. 

WHERE? 

'to- 

-Got    a    .surprise    the 

other 

night. 

'18- 

-WeJ? 

'19- 

-Wanted  to  kiss  a  gir  — 

- 

'18- 

-Well.? 

'19- 

-But  didn't  know  how 

she'd 

take  it— 

'18- 

-So— 

'19- 

-I  asked  her — ■ 

'18- 

-And  she  said.? 

'19- 

-On  the  lips! 

—  Yale  Record. 

SAY  TOMMY 

Tommy — Oh,  mother,  look  a 

t  that 

man!     He's  only  got  one  arm. 


it? 


Mother — Hush!     He'll   hear   you. 
Tommy — Why,   doesn't   he   know 

—  Tiger. 


YOUR  EYES 

Examined  by  the  most 
approved  Methods 


Your  glasses  designed 
for  the  most  becom- 
ing effect 


OSCAR  L.  McCULLOCK 

Optometrist    Optician 

54  Suffolk  St.,  Holyoke,  Mass. 


Order  Cooking 


Specials 


The  Elms  Restaurant 


Best  Quality  Food 
Moderate  Prices 

E.  G.  DILL,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET       NORTHAMPTON 


Roses!       Roses! 

The    Montgomery    Co. 

INCORPORATED 

'R.ose  Growers 

HADLEY.     MASS. 

Thousands  of  roses  cut  daily 

Furnished  in  any  quantity 

Sent  anywhere 

Telephones: 

Amherst  I  96-R.       Northampton  660 


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■a  1  p<  1 

3  ifo  1 

1  1 II  ft  1 

!     B'  1  B       TJ  1  !  E  5 


Stop  (2^   //ze  Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD  ST.,  NEAR  BROADWAY 


Single  Room,  with  Bath     -     -     -      -     $2.00  to  $3.00  for  one 
Single  Room,  with  Bath  and  Two  Beds,  $4.00  to  $5.00  for  two 


TI^\E^    SQUARt 


Located  just  off  Times  Square 

HOTEL     WOODSTOCK 

is  within   a   handy  walk   of   everything — terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines — theatres  and  clubs,  yet  you  can  have  quiet,  refinement,  and  service  withal. 


European  plan  restaurant 
unexcelled  tor  its    cuisine 


Write  for  our  Map  of  New  York 


Service  and  accommodations    unsur- 
passed for  completness  and  efflciency 


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Managing  Director 


A.  E.  SINGLETON 

Asst.  Manager 


Thomas  S.  Childs 

(Incorporated) 

275  HIGH  ST..  HOLYOKE 


Footwear  of  Quality 
and  Fashion 

At  Reasonable  Prices 

$3.00  to  $7.00 

With  Hosiery  to  Match 
At  25c  to  $1.00 


The   Largest   Assortment   in   Western 
Massachusetts 


A  Good  Place  to  Eat 


The  Ideal  Lunch 

S.  J.  HALL,  Prop. 


Excellent  Service 


Fine  Cuisine 


40  MAIN  STREET 
NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


Greater  Service  Than  Ever 

Every  day  strains  which  continually  cause  "loose  lenses" 
or  breakage  with  ordinary  glasses  have  no  effect  on  our  Inlaid 
Gold  eyeglasses  and  spectacles. 

Inlaid  Gold  mountings  have  no  screws  through  the 
glass,  are  much  less  noticeable  and  never  loosen. 

Your  Present  Lenses  Can  Be  Used. 

O.  T.  DEWHURST 

Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Glasses 

201  Main  St.  Opposite  City  Hall 

Northampton,  Mass.  Telephone  184-W 


CO-OPERATION  IS  THE  KEYNOTE  OF  SUCCESSFUL  BUSINESS 


Compliments  of 


E.  D.  Marsh  Estate 


STUDENT  FURNITURE 


Get  in  Practice  for  the  Winter 
Tournaments  at 


Metcalf  s  Bowling  Alleys 


Alleys  May  be    Reserved  in 
Advance 


Stationery,  Blank  Books  and 
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1918        and       1919 
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THE  HOME  OF  BURLESQUE 


Four  Days  Every  Week  Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE   DAILY 


Perfectly  appointed  rooms  for 
your  guests 

Attractive  Dining  Room 


ELxceptional  Cuisine 
Telephone  835 1 


Henry  Adams  Co, 

Cbe  no.  H.  C. 
DrugQists     jt 

Candies  and  Ices 

Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rex  all  Store 


AFTER  THE  QUARREL 

He — And  shall  we  never  meet 
again? 

She — Never!  Unless  you  want 
to  take  me  to  a  Dance  or  Matinee. 
— Pennsylvania  Punch  Bowl. 


LOVELY  WOMEN 

Co-ed  (as  machine  came  to  stop) — 
Oh,  dear,  what's  wrong? 

John — Stripped  the  gears. 

Co-ed — Oh,  John,  do  you  think  it 
will  show? 

— The  Sir 671. 


1917 — What's  your  specialty? 

1916 — Economics. 

1917 — What  does  that  teach  you 
to  do? 

1916— It    isn't    "what."     It's 
"whom." 

— Brunonian. 


HONESTA^     WINS 

He — There  goes  the  honestest  girl 
in  the  world. 

She— How's  that? 

He — She  won't  even  take  a  kiss 
without  returning  it. 

• — California  Pelican 


"For  the  Land's 
Sake" 


BOWKER 


M.  A.  C. 
Representatives 


DONALD  SHERINYAN,  1916 

5  North  Dormitory, 
Classes  of  1918—1919 


EDGAR  PERRY,  1916 

Alpha  Sigma  Phi  House, 

Classes  of  1916—1917 


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PICTURES  OF  M.  A.  C. 
Printed  by  a  New  Process 

Will  be  a  Distinctive  Feature  of  the  Lithogravure  Supplement  of 

Tl^^  Springfield   Republican 

Next  Sunday,  April  9th 

Order   your   copy   now   and    you   will   want   one   every   Sunday    thereafter 


The  Republican,    Daily  and  Sunday  gives  all  the  news  all  the  time  without  froth  or  faking 


ISnltJDkp 


j^ancmq 

Supper  Dances  every  Wednesday  Evening  from 
8:30  to  1 1 :30  in  the  Ball  Room. 

Tea  Dances  Saturday  Afternoons  from  3:30   to 
6  P.M. 

SUNDAY  TABLE  D'HOTE  DINNER  $1.25 

Served  from  6:30  to  8:30  (with  music) 

GORHAM   BENEDICT,  Manager 


Caps  and  Gowns 

Makers  to 

Massachusetts  Agricultural,  Amherst,  Brown,  Yale 
and  many  others 

Faculty  Gowns  and  Hoods 

Purple,  Choir  and  Judical  Robes 

Cox  Sons  &  Vining 

72  Madison  Ave.,  New  York 


MENTION  THE  BQUIB 


Anne  /le^t'dAe-f/, 


HER  SUNDAY  (K)NIGHT 


GGIE  SQUIB 


Vol   II 


March    1916 


No.    9 


1ST    Stewd — What    vegetable     is  the    reception 
room     in     a     Smith      Dormitoiy    like?  Two 
guesses. 

2nd  Stewd — Squash?     Peach? 
1st  Stewd — Nope,  mushroom. 


He — And  how  do  you  like  yoiu*  botany  course? 

She — Oh  I  think  that  it  is  positively  dis- 
agreeable and  horrid  and  hateful.  Why,  they 
even  make  us  draw  cross  sections. 


PROF — (Lecturing  on"  Sweetness  and  Light  ")■ — ■ 
May  a  beautiful  spreading  tree  at  the  height 
of  its  foliage,  growing  by  the  cool  country  road- 
side, be  considered  a  poem? 

Bright  '19 — If  it  is  I  wouldn't  like  to  consider 
carrying  a  book  of  poetry. 


'  I  'WO  young  freshmen  are  out  walking  and  a 
*       pretty  Smith  girl  passes  them. 
A — "Did  you  notice  that  she  smiled  at  me?" 
B — "Nothing  remarkable   in  that.      The  first 

time  I  saw  you  I  almost  died  laughing." 

TOBACCO  TO  BURN 

TACK— Do  you  SmokaroU? 
Ticks — No  I  spend  mine. 


H 


IGH— I  hear  that  the  "Birth  of  a  Nation" 

has  come  to  town. 

Ram — Yes,  I  wonder  if  it's  given  by  the  Aboi-n 
Opera  Company. 

# 

1ST  Co-ed — They  say  Jack  is  a  fine  wrestler. 
*     2nd  Co-ed — Yes  he  has  a  wonderful  hold. 


Freshman  (who  has  just  stolen  a  banana, 
holds  skin  up  in  front  of  owner  and  says) — I 
appeal  to  you. 

Owner  (tapping  him  on  the  head) — ^Your 
appeal  is  fruitless. 

# 

AT   THE   INTER-CLASS 

THAT  race  was  pi-etty  close,  who  won  it? 
The  second  guy  did. 
How  do  you  make  that  out. 
Oh   he   stuck   out  his   tongue   and  lapped  the 
first  guy. 

AGRICULTURAL  ECONOMICS 

PHAN — ^I  can  eat  only  one  dish   of  this  sauce 
it  has  so  much  seasoning  in  it.     Chesley's 
cook  must  be  near-sighted. 

Phun — Nope,   wrong  dope,   he's  far-sighted. 


HEARD  AT  THE  CARD  TABLE 
^AITER — What    are    you    taking    that    roll 
upstairs    for?     Do    you    pass    it    around 
when  you  get  hungry  like  a  pipe  o'  peace? 
Coed — No,  a  bite  apiece. 


w 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 


F.  C.  LARSON  '17 
Editor-in-Chief 

A.  E.  LINDOUIST  '16 
Business  Manager 


L.  T.  BUGKMAN  '17 
Associate  Editor 
H.  M.  WARREN  '17 
Circulating  Editor 


C.  H 

HALLET  '17 

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H.  A.  PRATT  '17 

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COPY 

Publislied  Once  A  Month 

All  business  communications  should  be  addressed  to  the  Business  Manager; 
communications  should  be  submitted  to  the  Editor-in-Chief ;  as  well  as  all  drawings. 

literary 

Entry  as  Second  Class  Mail  Matter  pending 

Vol. 

II. 

MARCH,  1916 

No.  9 

GIRLS! 


GIRLS! 


GIRLS! 


x'  ' 

W* 


S  it  not  fortunate  for  the  men  of  Aggie 
to  have  their  college  located  on  such  a 
fine  site  and  moreover,  in  such  close 
proximity  to  the  neighboring  colleges  of 
the  fairer  sex.  Is  it  still  not  more  for- 
tunate for  us  to  be  able  to  sit  down  and 
read  the  witty  remarks  of  the  girls  who 
attend  these  various  institutions  including 
the  wit  of  our  own  Co-eds?  Girls,  girls, 
girls — why  it  is  the  leading  topic  of  the 
college  man's  conversation.  We  all  agree 
that  the  greatest  of  all  necessities  of  life 
is —  a  girl.  A  girl,  in  the  common  accep- 
tance of  that  word  implies  at  first  thought, 
a  "Dig  deep"  idea  which  causes  one  to  be 
thrown  into  an  atmosphere  saturated 
and  embossed  with  $$$,  ccc,  etc.  Never- 
theless, on  our  part  there  is  a  generosity 
of  soul  which  prompts  the  giving  of 
material  aid  to  those  favoring  a  good 
time.  Informals,  concerts,  shows,  enter- 
tainments of  all  kinds  are  held  for  the 
benefit  of  the  girl  and  the  costs  are  billed 
to  father,  for  he  himself  was  once  a  prey 
to  woman. 


-THE    SQUIB 


But,  dear  reader,  Squibby  does  not  intend  to  discuss  the  characteristics  of  the  college  girl, 
but  he  has  endeavoi-ed  to  bring  you  in  closer  contact  with  her  witty  sayings.  This  number  is  the 
original  gloom  chaser  and  is  going  to  make  you  so  everlastingly  happy  that  you  will  forget 
all  about  the  expense  that  she  causes  you  and  the  next  time  that  you  pay  her  a  visit  you  will  bring 
the  U.  S.  Mint  along  with  you.  We  hear  all  girls  say  "And  he  said,"  and  the  matrons  say — 
"But,  I'll  say  this  much,"  and  the  youth  says — "And  she  said,"  But,  Squibby  will  say  this  much, 
that  although  you  get  just  what  you  look  for  in  this  lire,  you'll  never  find  the  true  humor  of  the  college 
girl  expressed  in  a  more  startling  manner  than  in  this  number.  Therefore,  follow  the  routine  of 
the  three  L's  LIVE,  LAUGH  and  LOVE. 


QUIBBY  wishes  to  express  his  hearty  thanks  to  the  girls  of 
the  various  colleges  who  have  been  so  kind  and  generous  to 
supply  him  with  characteristic  "girlish"  jokes;  as  well  as  his 
appreciation  for  their  drawings  which  symbolize  the  true  spirit 
and  ability  of  the  college  girl  along  these  lines.  Through  their 
endeavors  he  has  been  able  to  make  this  number  a  success 
and  hopes  that  he  may  be  able  to  reciprocate.  Any  criticism 
as  to  the  ability  of  the  Squib'fi  artists  to  demonstrate  the 
coming  spring  styles  for  young  ladies  may  be  submitted  to 
the  Woman's  Shops  advertising  in  this  number.  Again,  we 
thank  you  one  and  all. 


# 


OUR   SPRING   POET   SAYS: 

PRING,  wintry  spring,  hast  thou  no  conscience? 
Can  you  not  see  the  ailment  and  predicament  that 
you  have  caused  us  to  undergo?  Do  you  not  realize 
that  your  birthday  happened  sometime  ago  and  you 
failed  to  appear  on  that  day?  Do  you  think  that 
you  are  treating  your  timid  little  tape  worm,  the 
ground  hog,  exactly  right  by  forcing  him  to  remain 
in  his  little  hole  for  such  a  great  length  of  time? 
Moreover,  is  it  justice,  we  repeat,  to  our  hockey 
manager  who  has  gone  insane  thinking  that  hockey 
season  was  on  again?  Is  it  right,  to  make  our  social 
lights  travel  on  skiis  over  to  Smith  and  Mt.  Holyoke 
to  make  their  Sunday  calls.  Is  it  fair,  we  ask,  to 
make  us  miss  those  moonlight  walks  with  the  only  girl  in  the  good  old  springtime?  Non,  non,  non, 
ayez  coeur!  What  subject  are  we  nlostly  interested  in  at  the  present  time.^— Sprmg.  What  does 
the  poet  write  about ?-Spring.  What  does  the  fusser  think  about?— Sprmg.  Why  is  Bock  Beer? 
Spring.  Therefore,  Spring>ou  see  it  is  all  spring,  so  yoii  must  get  sprmgy  and  sprmg  a  little  sprmg. 
on  us.  .,  i^ 

*Passed  by  the  Spring  Board  of  Springers. 


THE    SQUIB- 


ONE  problem  that  bothers  the  College  Girl 
Is  that   great   big  laundry  bill. 
She  has  to  look  pretty,  neat  and  clean 
When  the  chaps  come  over  the  hill. 

So  above,   we  have   made   a  suggestion 
How  to  solve  this  problem  hard, 
And  if  you  think  it's  worth  any  thanks 
We'd  be  pleased  if  you'd  drop  us  a  card 

Or  if  you're  of  a  generous  natui-e 
And  not  a  pleasure  us  begrudge 
You  can  send  us  an  invitation 
To  come  over  and  sample  your  fudge. 


NEW  ENGLAND  WEATHER 

The  rainy  queen  her  fair  maid  hailed, 

And  said  "Your  brain  is  foggy." 
Sh.e  stormed,  and  raved,  and  finally  cooled. 

And  with  an  icy  stare  concluded. 
Then  this  reply  did  she  receive,  as  she  her  head 
did  lift. 

"Snow  again,  I  didn't  get  your  drift." 


DEFINITIONS  OF  HEAVEN 

Senior — The  offer  of  a  job  at  a  few  thousand 
per(haps)  including  an  auto  and  a  pretty  stenog. 

Junior — A  prom  with  no  expense,  lasting  six 
months,  and  twice  a  year. 

Sophomore — A  new  class  of  frosh  every  week 
to  sell  chapel  hymn  books  to,  and  no  Triumverate. 

Frosh — A  college  with  no  sophomore  class 
and  five  bolts  a  day. 


THE  PERFECT  LADY 

'  I  'HE  perfect  lady  must  have  poise 
^       To   please   the   Chesterfieldan   boys. 
She  must  possess  a  "Hints  to  Cooks" 
And  throw  well  sidelong  her  good  looks. 

She  has  to  be  quite  jirini  and  nice 
And  never  eat  a  college  ice. 
And  sip  her  Postum  without  sound 
And  never  slide  on  spillery  ground. 

At  dances  she  is  sometimes  seen 
But  doesn't  think  it  a  bit  mean. 
If  one  by  one  she  sits  them  out 
While  other  ladies  whirl  about. 

And  if  you  ask  her  to  a  show. 
The  perfect  lady  sure  will  go. 
The  movies  often  fill  her  need 
She  even  thanks  j^ou  for  your  deed. 

Her  correspondence  is  divine 
She  sends  a  kiss  in  every  line 
She  even  fancies  bowers  shady 
Because  she  is  a  perfect  lady- 


i:;i:i 


t'Mi&rf- 


SPRING  IS  HERE 

MOTHER  (to  little  AVillie)— Isn't  that  a  pretty 
horse.* 
Willie — Yop,  and  his  name  is  Damitall. 
Mother — Why,   Willie  what  makes  you  think 
that? 

Willie — Well  the  man  said  "Dam  it  all,  git  up." 


-THE    SQUIB 


COMMENTS  ON  THE  GAME  LAWS  FOR 
DEER 
By  The  Deerslayer 
ll/ITH  few  exceptions,  there  is  no  open  season 
^  "  lor  deer,  so  that  they  have  to  be  caught  on 
the  sly.  There  are  various  ways  of  doing  this, 
but  probably  the  most  satisfactory  one  is  to  call 
it  sweet  names,  and  when  it  gets  near  enough  to 
throw  your  arms  around  its  neck  and  feed  it 
"Page  and  Shaw's  Mixed."  As  to  the  excep- 
tions, deer  having  horns  not  less  than  three  inches 
long  may  be  taken  in  enclosed  deer  parks.  This 
variety  is  by  no  means  uncommon,  in  fact  they 
are  too  numerous.  They  are  not  very  popular 
with  the  amateur  sportsman,  for  they  are  exceed- 
ingly dangerous  and  when  once  caught,  are 
expensive  and  hard  to  hold. 

No  person  shall  take  more  than  two  deer  in 
an  open  season.  In  one  of  our  western  states 
this  law  has  been  repeatedly  broken,  but  the 
authorities  ai-e  putting  a  ban  on  the  habit.  It 
is  against  the  law  to  chase  deer  with  dogs.  This 
is  very  unsportsmanlike,  and  fortunatelj' 
seldom  done.  Probably  the  most  unpopular  law 
is  the  one  which  states  that  no  deer  shall  be 
taken  while  in  the  water.  This  is  a  law  which  is 
repeatedly  broken  and,  in  reality,  is  not  given 
much  consideration.  During  the  summer  time, 
if  there  is  an  open  season,  there  are  a  large 
number  caught  along  the  Altantic  seaboard,  and 
also  on  many  of  the  inland  lakes.  There  !s 
nothing  unsportsmanlike  about  this  method  of 
catching  deer  and  it  is  generally  hoped  that  this 
law  will  be  repealed. 


STARTLING  EXPOSURES  OF  A   COLLEGE 
GIRL 

"  I  'HE  committee  for  the  investigation  of  the 
*  conditions  of  college  girls  has  recently 
reported  some  alarming  facts.  It  was  found 
that  nine  and  three  fifths  girls  out  of  every  ten, 
when  attending  social  functions  wear  only  ten 
percent  of  their  clothes,  that  is  to  say  their 
own  clothes,  the  other  forty  percent  being  the 
clothes  of  other  girls  in  the  house.  This  little 
fact  is  published  to  calm  the  minds  of  those 
men  who  hesitate  to  pop  the  question  because 
they  are  afraid  that  they  will  not  be  able  to  buy 
their  loved  one  a  different  coat  for  every  Sunday 
night. 

The  committee  also  has  definite  information 
that  a  trophy  is  awarded  in  every  house  at  the 
end  of  the  year  to  the  girl  or  girls  who  succeed 
in  filling  your  hat  with  sawdust,  rice,  etc.,  while 
you  are  in  the  parlor  with  the  only  girl.  Other 
small  individual  prizes  are  offered  to  girls  who  can 
stuff  two  pounds  or  more  of  old  shoes  into  your 
right  hand  overcoat  pocket,  the  conditions  being 
that  visitor  when  at  his  departure  finds  out  the 
charity  bestowed  upon  him,  must  say  "what 
the  hell"  or  the  equivalent. 

For  this  last  evil  the  committee  has  suggested 
that  the  competition  rules  be  changed  so  as  to 
i-ead  two  poimds  of  candy  in  the  clause  where  it 
now  reads  two  pounds  of  old  shoes. 


AT  HOME 


AT  COLLEGE 


THE     SQUIB 

FROM  THE  SIMMONS  GIRLS 


DULY  ENSHRINED 


OROP'— "  Miss    H.,     what    are    the     different 
*■        crystalline  forms  of  sulphur?" 

Miss  H. — "The  Rhombic  and  Oi-thopedic."  "Around  the  Map"  with  "Daddy  Long  Legs?' 


DO  you  think  "It  Pays  to  Advertise"  when 
"The   Only   Girl"   goes   "Rolling   Stones" 


(S> 


'OAY,  Esther,  do  you  know  how  they  summon 


A  LICE — "Oh,   Mary,   I  think  Bunny's   Irish, 


the  deaf  mutes  to  dinner  at  the  asylum?"      **     you  can  tell  by  his  eyes." 
"Xo,  how?"  Mai-y  (indignantly) — ^"He  is  not,  he's  a  Con- 

"Ring  dumb-bells."  gregationalist!" 


8 


-THE      SQUIB- 


OH,  would  I  an  amoeba  were, 
Then  I'd  divide  some  day 
And  half  of  me  would  come  to  school 
The   other  half  would  play! 


H 


EARD  after  Blue  Cards  came  out: 

She  failed  in  shorthand, 
Flunked  in  "Ec." 
We  heard  her  softly  hiss, 
I'd  like  to  find  the  man  who  said 
That  ignorance  is  bliss ! 


PIRST  proud  parent:  My  daughter  is  very 
*  literary;  she  writes  for  money  and  pays  all 
her  college  expenses  with  it. 

Second  likewise:  So  does  mine — in  every  letter! 


BIOLOGY  INSTRUCTOR— What  is  the  only 
efficient  disinfection  in  case    of    contagious 
illness  ? 

Brilliant    Junior — Disinfect   the   elbow    of   the 
patient ! 


COOKING  Instructor — Name  three  things  con- 
taining starch. 
Student — Two  collars  and  a  cuff! 

IN  Physics — AVliat  happens  to  Brooklyn  Bridge 
in  winter? 
Wise  Freshie — It  contracts  and  pulls  Brooklyn 
nearer  New  York! 

IN    History — What    holds    the    German    states 
together.'' 
Answer — Their  diet! 


FAVORITES  IN  MUSIC  AND  POETRY 

CHEMISTRY  STUDENTS— Break,  Break, 
Break! 

Biology  Students — Oh,  where,  Oh  Where  has 
my  little  dog  gone.'' 

Cooking  Students — Anything  by  Browning  or 
Burns. 

History  Students — (during  map  quizz)  Some- 
where. 

Flunkers — Melody   in  E   Flat. 

Entire  College — -Absent. 


'  r- 


n^ 


FLElCtlMANS 


L~ 


%S=t==^ 


-'^' 


<5CILrHTlFlC<ALLY  l^\StD  -      (ThlSimmonsWay) 


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^^ 


9     O* —    MoD'^IEBE-ATlfn 
-  DLAO     B    COL- 


^CItnTlFICV\LLY  I^ISED  -       [Tm  ^(.oitViA^ 


J± 


TO  KATY 

SHE'S  like  a  summer's  day  at  midnight, 
Sweet  like  the  early  cauliflower; — 
She's  fresh  as   salt-marsh  fields   at  night, 
AVhere   the   pink   buttercup    blows: 
She's  short  and  fat  this  chubby  lass 
Beyond  the   greatest   Bunny; 
But,  still  'tis  sad  I  am  to  say 
The  lemon  is  so  funny. 

But,  oh  her  swift  and  icy  eyes, 

Her  haughty,  prudish  wiles: 

I  love  the  colleen's  heavy  sighs; 

I  love  the  colleen's  smiles, 

So,  I'll  not  pine;  the  chance  have  I: 

Her  beauty's  mine  to  see 

For  if  the  lemon  had  a  heart 

Sure,  'Twould  not  be  for  me. 


10 


A  College  girl's  Campus  as  seen  by 

Our  Artist 

Menolikethegirls. 


THE    SQUIB 


CALLING  ON  SUNDAY 

SCAN  out  title.  It  does  not  imply  an  at- 
tempted interview  with  the  famous  revival- 
ist, nor  a  treatise  on  the  proper  way  to  attract 
attention  vocally  on  the  "day  of  rest." 

Our  idea  is  a  description  of  the  only  reliable 
non-"  break  "able  formula  to  follow  when  acting 
as  a  volunteer  ornament  to  some  young  feminine 
dormitory. 

Get  to  the  colony  of  "mushrooms"  by  any 
approved  route,  but  appear  as  if  you  had  just 
ordered  the  chauffeur  NOT  to  wait.  Approach 
the  hall  with  the  nougatines  or  the  violets  care- 
lessly brought  with  the  left  hand.  Keep  the 
right  hand  free.     This  is  important. 

Make  the  customary  electrical  connection  and 
a  girl,  not  the  girl  will  confront  you  suddenly 
or  thereafter.  (Do  not  lose  your  grip  on  the 
tribute  just  yet.)  Answer  the  appearance  of  the 
intermediary  sprite  by  the  password.  Miss  de 
Mena,  or  whoever  you  left  your  happy  dorm 
for.  Remember  that  the  willing  relayer  of  the 
glad  tidings  is  NOT  subject  to  a  tip.  Accept 
her  welcome  signal  to  enter. 

While  waiting  for  your  friend's  soft  step  on  the 
stair,  you  run  through  your  last  English  lecture 
or  some  other  triviality  to  keep  cool. 

SHE'S  COMING!  Don't  feint.  Just  draw 
yourself  up  to  your  full  height  (like  Scotty  did), 
and  extend  your  disengaged  right  in  her  general 
direction.  Counter  with  the  left  thus  delivering 
the  token.  Fold  up  her  profuse  gratitude  in 
your  gloves,  and  permit  her  to  stow  your  loose 
possessions   (keep  your  head  now). 

Do  not  rub  your  palmolive-perfumed-palms  to- 
gether as  if  about  to  engage  in  strenuous  exercise. 
The  best  seniors  are  not  doing  it  now.  They 
haven't  time,  they  start  i-ight  in  on  some  interest- 
ing topic  as  "The  Imperceptible  Movements  of 
the  Earth's  crust,"  or  "The  development  of  a 
Pot  Culture  of  Corned  Beef  and  Cabbage." 
Here  you  impress  her  with  your  intense  individ- 
ualism and  cosmic  strength  of  character. 

Then  review  the  legislation  of  the  College 
Senate  for  the  past  week,  emphasizing  those 
points  which  will  be  of  germane  interest  to  her. 
For  example  tell  her  about  throwing  PEP  in  the 
pond  and  the  irrigation  of  Alumni  Field. 

Next  inquire  fervidly  into  the  results  of  the 
inter-class  panuchi  contest.  This  will  be  a  hint 
to  her  to  chafe  some  do-nuts  for  you,  thus  afford- 
ing you  an  opportunity  to  light  the  match  for 
her_and  othei-wise  demonstrate  your  cultured 
ways.  Talk  seriously  on  everything  but  the 
Davenport  in  which  you  may  become  immersed. 


Weigh  your  words  in  your  heart  and  word  your 
way  to  hers.  Show  her  your  Social  Union  pass 
and  elucidate  its  intrinsic  value.  Pretend  a 
defect  in  auditory  ability  and  sit  less  farther 
away  to  solve  this  important  rural  problem. 

Display  a  photo  of  yourself  on  a  hike,  discuss  the 
otiose  value  of  short  jjedestrian  meanders  and 
suggest  a  local  topographical  elevation  as  the 
climax.  .  .  .  But  by  this  time  your  time  has 
expired,  if  not  your  originality  in  sparkling 
conversation. 

Part  with  a  clean-cut  expression  of  mutual 
felicity,  forget  to  take  the  volume  of  "Corn- 
field's Poims,"  and  depart  with  a  smile  which 
may  be  carried  over  in  the  next  call.  Protect 
your  retreat  by  a  wave  of  the  hand.  Then  a 
wave  of  REMORSE  inundates  your  consanguine 
exuberance  .   .   .     What  about  the  girl  at  home.' 

MORAL — To  every  Call  there  is  an  equal 
and  opposite  Call-down.     BUT  .   .   . 


M 


HOLDING   THE   STAKES 

.\RIAN — "I'll  bet  you  don't  know  how  to 
hold  any  one  in  your  lap." 
Lewis— "I'll  take  you  up  on  that." 


A    HIGHLY    COLORED    ARTICLE 

A  RE  the  books  in  the  library  red  because  the 
*^  librarian  is  Green?  Billy's  black  and 
tangent  dog  blue  into  the  library  and  knocked 
down  a  pile  of  books  that  the  librarian  had 
just  oranged.  The  librarian  gave  the  purple 
and  the  dog  let  out  a  yellow  pain,  which  dis- 
turbed a  student  of  Raggie  Fakonomics  who 
was  marooned  in  the  library  for  the  night.  We 
admit  that  there  is  not  a  very  good  tinge  to  this 
article  but  if  we  were  in  the  pink  ofcondition  we 
would  have  done  it  up  brown. 

11 


THE     SQUIB- 


LOVE 


UNKNOWN    EPIDEMIC     RAISES     HAVOC 
WITH  THE  STUDENTS  AT  M.  A.  C. 

Watch  Your  Step 

THERE  has  come  to  the  attention  of  Squihhy 
since  the  first  of  the  year  an  unusual  number 
of  cases  of  a  disease  which  in  some  cases  is  or 
has  been  much  dreaded,  and  in  others  has  been 
welcomed  with  open  arms.  Some  dodge  it  per- 
sistently and  others  openly  court  infection.  We 
turned  the  matter  over  to  the  nurses  at  the 
infirmary,  but  they  threw  up  their  hands  in 
horror  and  declared  that  they  would  have  nothing 
to  do  with  the  matter  as  they  considered  this 
disease  so  nearly  incurable  that  there  is  no  fun 
experimenting  with  it. 

We  find  that  the  only  relief  of  this  sickness  is 
death  with  but  one  other  alternative  and  even 
that  is  doubtful.  As  we  mentioned  above  some 
evade  it,  others  put  themselves  out  to  get  it. 
The  germ  is  in  its  most  active  stages  during  the 
summer-time,  due  perhaps  to  the  favorable 
weather  conditions.  The  Microbiology  Club  has 
been  investigating  this  plague  and  has  discovered 
that  the  symptoms  of  this  disease  manifest  them- 
selves immediately,  and  in  some  cases  develop 
very  slowly.  Often  the  victim  does  not  discover 
til  at  he  has  succumtied  to  this  malady  until  he 
has  been  away  for  some  time  from  the  place  and 
the  people  with  whom  he  associated  at  the 
time  of  the  infection.  These  are  really  the  most 
piteous  cases,  as  it  is  apt  to  be  a  great  shock  to 
the  patient  when  he  finds  out  what  a  predicament 
he  is  in  and  is  invariably  absolutely  helpless. 

12 


As  the  Medical  men  have  refused  aid  in  this 
matter,  we  feel  that  it  is  our  duty  to  explain  some 
of  the  symptoms  and  a  possible  cure.  One  of 
the  most  notable  symptoms  is  palpitation  of 
the  heart.  At  times  the  action  of  the  heart  is 
increased  to  as  much  as  two  hundred  beats  a 
minute,  and  then  again  at  times  will  stand  per- 
fectly still.  Another  symptom  is  forgetfulness. 
Your  thoughts  ai-e  inclined  to  wander  from  the 
task  at  hand  and  a  vacant  dreamy  look  comes 
to  your  eyes.  Sometimes  a  great  literary  instinct 
is  born  and  you  write  page  after  page  of  mar- 
velous fiction,  only  to  condemn  them  to  the 
waste  basket,  as  your  pen  refuses  to  convert  into 
words  the  thoughts  which  your  brain  creates. 
Often  insomnia  is  a  prominent  feature.  You 
toss  around  in  agony  for  a  few  hours  before  you 
finally  drop  off  in  slumber  which  is  filled  with 
dreams  of  times  to  come.  It  is  also  quite  an 
expensive  proposition  to  be  infected.  Your  al- 
lowances are  always  insufficient  to  cover  the 
expenses  of  this  disease.  Naturally  some  one 
must  reap  a  harvest  because  of  this  epidemic, 
so  we  fi,nd  the  florist,  the  confectioner,  and  we 
might  say,  any  person  who  is  in  a  position  to 
bring  about  the  most  severe  cases,  becoming 
millionaires. 

The  name  of  this  disease  is  simple — ^L-O-V-E. 
The  only  cure  as  far  as  we  have  been  able  to 
ascertain  is  death.  You  can  die  in  two  ways — 
the    natural    way — or   get    married. 


FUSSER'S  FOIBLES 

Scene — Cuddling  closely  in  the  back  row  of 
the  movies. 

He — The  lights  will  be  out  in  a  minute. 

Scene — Sofa  in  reception  room,  parties  at 
extreme  ends. 

He — We  have  been  friends  for  two  years. 

Scene — ^Panting  after  he  has  stopped  for 
breath,   at  the  edge  of  Paradise. 

She — You  have  ceased  to  love  me. 

Scene — -Wiping  face  with  freshly  tinted  hand- 
kerchief,  at  an  informal. 

He — -Things  ai-e  seldom  what  they  seem. 

Scene — -Sudden  and  effusive  affection  Wed- 
nesday night. 

She — Is  there   an   informal   coming   Saturday.'' 

Scene — Standing  dejectedly  and  dry  mouthed 
on  the  porch. 

She — -Have  you  left  anything.? 


-THE    SQUIB 


{From  Our  Co-Eds) 

CAMPUS  CO-EDS 

THE  campus  was  shrouded  in  darkness, 
A  gloom  settled  over  each  man, 
The  horror-struck  faculty  waited. 
On  the  campus  a  news-bringer  ran. 
And  what  do  you  think  was  the  meaning 
Of  all  this  excitement  and  grief? 
Ah,  well  it  was  just  a  new  comer — 
But — she  was  a  gii-1 — to  be  brief. 

Excitement  subsided  but  slowly 

For  next  year  another  one  came 

There  must  not  be  co-eds  at  Aggie! 

But  then,  Sir,  just  who  was  to  blame? 

They  come,  and  each  year  brings  some  new  ones 

And  now  1919  boasts  nine. 

And  some  day  we  hope  they  will  be  saying 

Why — 50 — my,  but  that's  fine. 

x\nd  now,  there's  commotion  on  campus 
At  first  p'raps  they  couldn't  do  much. 
But  now  they  are  only  just  waiting 
To  pop   up   and  show  there's   none-such! 
'Twas  their  clothes  acting  parts  in  the  Prom  show. 
Though  the  Co-eds  in  wonder  looked  on 
And  hoped  that  some  day  good  Fortune 
Would  give  them  a  chance  to  perform. 

My  fancy  has  painted  the  Co-eds; 

In  line  down  the  campus  they  filed. 

Each  carries   a  sign  with  inscription 

(They're  not  suffragists,  don't  get  riled). 

The  first  sign  says  "Co-eds  of  "19" 

Will  enforce  Freshmen  rules   this   next   year"; 

The  second,   "Co-eds  in  Dramatics? 

We'll  get  there  sometime,   never  fear." 

A  sign  down  the  line  somewhat  further 

Suggests  to  the  men  of  "A" 

That  one  twentieth  of  their  number 

In  class  meetings  are  seen. 

But  what  of  this  fanciful  picture? 

Do  you  suppose  it  will  ever  come  true, 

That|Co-eds  be  a  part  of  the  college 

And  "shine"  by  the  things  that  they  do? 


ALSO  HEARD  AT  THE  HASH  HOUSE 
AITER — Do  you  want  your  eggs  well  done? 
Coed — No,  rare,  please. 


w 


MISS  SAU  SAGE'S  ADVICE  TO  LOVELORN 

Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage, 

I  am  a  young  college  man  and  to  say  the  least 
am  considered  very  good  looking  on  some  days 
especially  on  Wednesdays  since  I  am  recjuired  to 
drink  three  glasses  of  milk  on  that  day.  But  I 
have  one  great  detriment  which  has  caused  me  a 
great  deal  of  embarrassment,  namely,  that  I  have 
a  twitching  eye,  which  I  probably  acquired  in 
New  York  while  gazing  at  the  fairer  sex  as  they 
boarded  the  street  cars.  A  few  days  ago  I  paid 
a  visit  to  a  young  college  girl,  and  while  sitting 
in  the  reception  room  this  eye  of  mine  wouldn't 
behave.  It  winked  at  the  other  girls  present 
and  it  even  had  the  audacity  to  wink  at  the 
matron.  Naturally  that  was  my  first  and 
probably  last  visit.  What  I  want  to  knoM^  is — 
how  can  I  overcome  this  habit? 

Twitchingly  yours 

I.  Winker. 

Dear  Mr.  I.  Winker, 

Without  a  doubt  you  are  in  a  serious  predica- 
ment and  true  enough  I  find  it  very  difficult  to 
answer  your  request.  Of  course  you  could  use 
an  eye  shade,  but  as  you  say  that  you  are  good 
looking  on  Wednesdays  especially,  it  would  be 
foolish  to  wear  this  shade  on  any  other  day  as  it 
would  detract  so  much  the  more  from  your  beauty. 
I  have  heard  said  that  a  piece  of  bacon  kept  in 
close  proximity  to  your  eye  would  cause  a  pig 
stye  which  essentially  would  weaken  your  eye 
string,  thus  preventing  your  eye  from  twitching 
and  causing  you  to  twitter.  This  would  not 
be  very  economical  as  bacon  at  the  present  time 
is  very  dear.  You  might  try  keeping  your  eyes 
closed  but  this  would  probably  cause  you  a  lot 
of  trouble,  especially  when  calling  on  your 
college  girl  friend,  you  might  put  your  arms 
around  another  fellow's  girl.  I  trust  that  you 
may  gather  something  useful  from  my  answer. 
Twittering  yours, 

Miss  Sau  Sage. 


AMHERST? 

Bystander — Where  are  you  going? 

Fire  Dept. — There's  a  fire  down  in  South 
Amherst. 

Bystander — But  there's  another  fire  in  North 
Amherst. 

Fire  Dept. — Keep  it  going,  I'll  be   right  back. 


13 


-THE    SQUIB- 


(FROM  THE  SMITH  GIRL) 

A      SMITH       GIRL'S      DIARY 

Motidaij — Went  down-town  this  morning.  Got 
a  new  suit  of  silk  iinder-unmentionables.  Had  a 
chocolate  fudge.  I  lost  a  glove.  Edith's  man 
called  last  night  and  dropped  a  card-case  on 
the  floor.     I  have  to  do  Psyche  tomorrow. 

Tuesday — Edith's  John  called  again  last  night. 
I  think  I  should  like  him.  Paul  called  me  up 
this  afternoon,  the  boob,  but  I  said  I  was  busy. 
I  walked  by  the  parlor  three  times  with  the  card- 
case,  but  Edie  wouldn't  present  me.  Had  a 
bracelet  on,  too. 

Wednesday — I  saw  John  down-town  this  after- 
noon. I  walked  up  and  told  him  I  had  his  card- 
case.  Gee!  I  didn't  know  I  had  such  nerve. 
I  have  to  study  Bible  tonight.     Darn  it  all! 

Thursday — Oh,  Gee.  John  called  up  today  and 
asked  me  if  he  could  come  over  for  his  case 
tomorrow  night.  Gee,  Won't  Edie  be  sore.  I 
don't  care.  I  guess  I'll  show  him  "Paradise." 
Flunked  a  German  quiz  today.  I  hope  John 
isn't  German,  but  Piatt  does  not  sound  like  a 
German  name. 

Friday — Gosh,  Edie  was  sore  when  I  walked 
out  with  her  man  tonight.  He  is  a  peach.  I 
just  adore  grey  eyes.  He  uses  Djer  Kiss  and 
smokes  Milos.  They  made  me  cough.  I  found 
a  dandy  new  place  tonight.  He  is  coming 
tomorrow  night. 

Saturday — Darn  it.  I  flunked  another  quiz 
today.  John  and  I  found  another  new  place 
tonight.  I  adore  Page  and  Shaw's.  I  hope 
that  fool  maid  didn't  see  nie  come  in  the  window. 
He  lis  going  to  take  me  to  the  Kimball  some 
afternoon.  He  plays  baseball.  I  guess  I'll  get 
a  rule  book;  I  wonder  what  you  ask  for  though. 

Sunday — John  had  to  make  his  Sunday  call 
on  Edith  tonight.  She  glared  at  me  when  he 
came,  but  I  went  right  down  and  gave  him  his 
card  case.  She  was  wild.  She  dragged  him  out 
for  a  walk.  I  think  they  fought  all  evening, 
because  she  was  positively  boorish  when  she 
returned.  I  don't  care,  because  he  is  going  to 
Glee  Club  with  me.  Ruth  Shelton  had  a  corking 
man  tonight,  I  wonder  what  his  name  is. 
Etc.,  etc.,  etc., 

CURSORY  REMARKS  HEARD  ABOUT 
THE  CAMPUS 

(On  thinking  it  over,  we  think  it  best  not  to 
repeat  them.) 

14 


(FROM  THE    MT.   HOLYOKE  GIRL) 

THE  MT.  HOLYOKE  GIRL'S  DIARY 

Monday — Vespers  were  wonderful  last  night. 
I  do  wish  I  could  get  Oscar  to  come  over  some 
afternoon  and  go  with  me.  I  do  know  he  would 
enjoy  them.  Phoebe's  man  came  up  from  New 
York  day  before  yesterday  and  they  had  supper 
in  the  Jap  room  after  Vespers.  We  are  wild  to 
know  when  she  is  going  to  announce  it. 

Tuesday — "Mac"  stuck  me  in  an  Ec.  recitation 
this  morning.  That  little  fool  of  a  sophomore 
who  lives  off  campus  laughed  and  gave  me  away. 
If  I  should  tell  where  I  saw  her  last  Wednesday 
night,  I  guess  she  would  mind  her  own  business. 

W ednesday — Spent  five  hours  in  the  Libe  today. 
Weather  beautiful. 

Thursday — ^Spent  four  hours  in  the  Libe  doing 
Bible,  Ec,  and  Psyche.  Mildred  had  a  freshman 
over  from  Amherst  tonight.  She  says  she  knew 
him  at  home.  I  would  hate  to  acknowledge  it 
if  I  were  she. 

Friday — I  hoped  Oscar  would  call  up  this 
afternoon,  but  nothing  doing.  I  wonder  who 
he  is  going  to  see  now.'  Four  of  us  had  tea  at 
the  "House"  at  five.  Mary  has  a  copy  of 
"Snappy"  which  she  has  promised  me  for 
tomorrow  night. 

Saturday — -That  boob  Oscar  called  up  this 
afternoon  and  I  had  to  give  up  "Snappy"  for 
him.  We  talked  about  studies  and  himself.  I 
wish  I  could  get  Bill  to  come  over  again.  I 
would  go  up  on  Prospect  with  him  if  he  would, 
now.  Helen  has  the  pink-eye.  Four  fellows 
from  the  house  where  her  man  lives,  have  gone 
home  with  it  in  the  last  two  weeks.  I  wonder 
why.? 


WHEN  A  MAN  NEEDS  A  WIFE 
Girls  take  heed 


-THE    SQUIB- 


FROM  THE  DIARY  OF  A  COLLEGE  GIRL 

Wednesday : 

I  wondei'  if  Jack  is  going  to  take  me  to  the 
next  informal.  I  think  I  love  him,  although  not 
so  much  as  Percy,  back  home.  I  wonder  if  Perc. 
is  going  around  with  that  horrid  Miss  Phoolish, 
while  I  am  up  here  at  college.  I  wonder  if  Jack 
has  a  girl  at  home,  I  don't  think  he  has  because 
he  never  told  me  anything  about  her,  and  he 
always  tells  me  everything. 
Thursday : 

Jack  telephoned  over  today  and  asked  me  if 
I  could  go  to  the  informal  with  him.  He  is 
such  a  dear,  I  think  that  I  love  him  more  than 
Perc.  We  had  a  darned  old  fire  drill  today, 
they  are  such  a  nuisance  I  would  rather  burn. 
If  there  were  a  fire  here  and  Percy  and  Jack 
were  here  I'll  bet  a  powder  puff  that  they  would 
save  me.  Oh  I  just  dote  on  being  saved.  Last 
summer  at  the  beach  all  the  boys  knew  me  because 
I  was  saved  the  first  day  I  got  there. 
Friday — 

The  informal  comes  tomorrow  and  I  am  so 
nervous  I  could  stamp  my  foot.  Lillian's  pumps 
are  a  little  small  but  I  guess  that  I  can  stand 
that  all  right,  and  Ruth's  bracelet  looks  simply 
great  on  my  arm,  and  Grace's  coat  will  look 
fine.  I  am  going  to  bed  now  and  have  a  nice  long 
sleep  for  Jack  will  be  over  tomorrow  afternoon. 
I  think  I  love  Jack  every  bit  as  much  as  Percy. 
Saturday : 

I  had  a  wonderful  time  at  the  informal.  Jack 
is  so  graceful  and  nice  when  he  dances,  he  reminds 
me  of  Vernon  Castle  only  he  is  not  so  silly  looking. 
I  wish  I  knew  what  he  says  to  the  other  girls  when 
he  is  dancing  with  them.  They  don't  let  those 
horrid  town  boys  with  those  brown  army  shirts 


up  in  the  balcony  any  more  now.  I  am  glad, 
because  the  Aggie  boys  can  sit  up  there  now. 
They  are  much  better  looking  than  those  old 
town  boys  and  I  winked  at  one  today  when  Jack 
wasn't  looking.  Oh  I  wish  I  knew  whom  I 
loved  more  Percy  or  Jack.  I  think  that  I  will 
write  to  Beatrice  Hairflax  and  ask  her  about  it. 
Jack  told  me  that  he  was  going  to  Dicky  Rahars 
before  he  goes  home  tonight,  to  see  a  friend.  I 
hope  that  he  doesn't  stay  too  long  because  some 
one  told  me  that  they  served  raspberry  sundaes 
over  there,  and  Jack  might  like  them  so  much  that 
he  would  miss  the  last  car. 


FADS  AND  F 

"Sleeves  ai-e 
Fine,  I  say, 
sense  style  has 
keep  our  cuffs 
summer  time, 
boys,  and  have 
the  elbow.  A 
might  be  added 


ASHIONS  AS  SEEN  IN    THE 
BOSTON  POST 

short,  above  the  elbow, 
splendid.     At    last    a    common- 
been   wished   on   us   which   will 
from    wilting    in    the    good    old 

Take    your   suits    to    the    tailor, 
your  sleeves  cut  off  well  above 

pretty   frill    of    Georgette   Crepe 

to  finish  the  edge. 


"Kid  trimmings  will  be  used  on  the  spring 
suits. 

We  suppose  any  little  kid  picked  up  on  the 
street  will  be  all  right  to  decorate  your  suit 
with. 


"Very  high  sti'aight,  wrinkled  collai-s  appear 
on  the  spring  suit." 

Somehow  it  doesn't  appeal  to  me  to  buy  a 
suit  the  collar  of  Mdiich  is  already  wrinkled  for 
I  generally  manage  to  wrinkle  it  too  often  anyway. 


15 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's  Boot  Shop 

211    MAIN    STREET 
The  Spring  Styles  are  here 

NORTHAMPTON,      -      MASS. 


Phelps  &  Gare 

112  Main  Street 
Northampton,  Mass. 

"Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to 
look  over  our  stock  at  any  time. 


All   the  new  Spring  Styles  are  here 

Ask  to  see  the  new 

Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  models 

Sanderson  and 
Thompson     Jk 


"Ye  Aggie  Inn" 

"Everything  is  so  Tasty  ' 


Student  Supplies  of  all  kinds  in  our  store 


Ingersol   Watches 
in  Celluloid  Cases  $1.00 


Kodaks  and   Films  at  Deuel's   Drug   Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &  Tilford,  MaiUards, 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy  bought  here  which  is  not 
satisfactory  will  be  replaced  ol 
money    returned 

VICTOR    MACHINES    AND    RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 


FOR  MARRIED  WOMEN 

Ten  Commandments  for  Wives 
Bij  Mrs.  Sheffield 

I.  Thou  shalt  not  nag. 

II.  Thou  shalt  keep  thy  temper  to 
thyself. 

III.  Thou  shalt  not  bore  thy 
husband: 

IV.  Remember  that  thou  keep 
unholy  his  many  socks.  Six  days 
shalt  thou  frivol  and  do  all  the 
things  thou  lovest  to  do,  but  on  the 
s  e  V  e  n  t  h — think !  Remember  his 
linen,  to  see  that  it  is  spotless. 
Provide  thou  the  extra  stud  for  the 
emergency  that  will  come,  and 
watch  lest  the  suit  that  hath  been 
pressed  is  not  returned  to  its  accus- 
tomed nail,  as  it  will  be  the  one  he 
asketh  for. 

V.  Honor  thy  husband  and  let 
him  do  exactly  as  he  pleaseth,  that 
thy  praise  may  be  long  in  the  land 
which  the  Lord  thy  God  hath  giveth 
thee. 

VI.  Thou  shalt  not  ask  him  any 
ciuestions,  neither  in  the  morning 
nor  at  the  noonday  hour,  nor  at 
night,  for  whatsoever  a  man  wanteth 
thee  to  know  that  will  he  tell  thee 
unsolicited,  and  a  question  mark  is 
a  book  that  catcheth  who  knows 
what. 

VII.  Thou  shalt  not  complain. 
Verily  a  complaining  woman  is 
worse  than  a  shoe  that  pincheth. 

VIII.  Thou  shalt  not  steel  thy 
heart  against  his  hobbies. 

IX.  Thou  shalt  obey  him — some- 
times. Uncertainty  hath  charms 
when  minds  are  masculine. 

X.  Thou  shalt  be  fresh  and  sweet 
and  dainty  as  a  shower  bouquet,  for 
lingerie  is  more  to  l)e  desired  than 
rubies,  and  a  good  cook  above  (jov- 
ernmcnt  bonds. 


YES- 

THIS  IS  SPRING 

April,  regardless  of  the 
weather  outside,  is  spring  in  this 
store. 

Blooming  now  are  all  the  newest 
styles  for  young  men. 

Suits  in  colors  and  designs  that 
sparkle  with  newness. 
Northampton  Agents  For  Society 
Brand   Clothes  For   Young   Men 

MERRIT  CLARK  &  CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 


Lowest  price  in  Town 

Theme  or  Practice  Paper 

Ruled  or  Unruled  Punched 

500  Sheets,  70  Cents 

LATHAM  '  1 7  MERRILL  '  1 7 


R.  F.  Armstrong  &  Son 

H  Headquarters  for  the  latest  in 
College  Men's  wear  and  at  reas- 
onable prices.  We  make  a 
specialty  of  Young  Men's 
Clothes  and  Furnishings  at 
prices  that  are  right. 

Come  and  look,  our  lines  over 
80  Main  bt.,      Northampton,  Mass. 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,        Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 

The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

50  Cent  Luncheon  from  II  .30  to  2  P.  M. 
Special  Dishes  at  All  Hours 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


MEN  WHO  ADVERTISERS  HAVE  SOMETHING  TO  SHOW  YOU 


if- 

Kolbgp  2Catibij  KttrliPti 

Up  makp  (§ur  ®mn  lKaniJtP0 
iFrrstt   fcurru  Say 

®ak0  i^otttp  a  Srtrk  (if  ®ur 
Hfomp-iHaJip  3re  (Erram 

I^OHtr  Srlturrij  a  i'prrialtij 
^pftial  Satfs  iFar  ^artg  ©rfifra 

(JDpiinaitr  0num  iSiaU 


Thanks  to  the  Commons  Club 

From 

YE  ROSE  TREE  INN 

Northampton,  Mass. 


The  Home  of 
"The    Daintest    Dinner    in    New    England" 


Woodward's  Lunch 

27  Main  Street,   Masonic  Block 


LUNCHES— SODA— ICE  CREAM 


Closed  only  from  I   a.  m.  to  4  a.  m. 


F.  W.  WOODWARD,  Prop. 


College  Shoes 


Modern  Repair  Department 


ON  TRIOLETS 

A  triolet  is  hard  to  write — 

But  not  when  one  is  clever. 
As  is  a  wicked  deed  of  spite, 
A  triolet  is  hard  to  right, 

And  poets  who  are  not  over-bright 
Will  they  attempt  it? — Never!* 
A  triolet  is  hard  to  write — 

But  not  when  one  is  clever. 

*Well,  hardly  ever! 

— Jester. 

A  REAL  COMEBACK 

Ma — David!  you  know  you  are 
not  to  play  with  your  soldiers  on 
the  Sababth. 

Col.  David — But  I'm  playing  that 
this  is  the  Salvation  Army. 

— Judge. 
SOME  BLUFF 
The    Ever-cheerful    One    (to    him 
who  staggers  beneath  heavy  basket) 
— Quite  a  load  you've  got  there,  eh, 
mv  good  man? 

'My  Good  Man  (wrathfully)— 
Load,  hell!  It's  the  icy  pavement 
makes  me  walk  this  way. 

— J  ack-CV  Laniern . 
DEEP  STUFF 
He — I    wonder    why    these    girls 
wear  such  short  skirts  now  days. 
She — Oh,  for  two  reasons! 

— Cornell  Widow. 
Dolly — And  you  tell  me  that  you 
have  graduated  from  the  school  of 
experience? 

Cholly— Ah  yes.  _ 
Dolly — I'll    bet    it    was    a    night 
school. 

—  Tiger. 
ACTIONS  SPEAK 
Bertha    Mae — So    you    told    Paul 
of  your  love? 

Sister  Clara — Well — a — not  just 
exactly  that — we  just  went  through 
the  motions. 

— Awqican. 
TOO  TRUE 
"What   makes   the   crowd   gather 
so  over  there?" 

"Oh,  vulgar  curiosity,  I  suppose. 
Let's  go  over." 

— Lampoon. 


Transcript   Photo 
Engraving    Company 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


>>«? 
.*^ 


Engravers    of     Merit 

We  solicit  work  in  College  Publications 
GET  OUR  RATES 


A  word  to  the  wise  is  sufficient 


See  BARLOW 


Over  the 
SAVINGS  BANK 


Some  people  live  to  eat.  Others  eat  to  live 

Boyden's  Restaurant 

SERVES  ALL 

Delicious  Dishes  Best  of  Service 

Catering 

Facilities  for  College  Banquets 

196  Main  St.,  Northampton 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


Shoes    that   Look    Well 
and    Fit    Well 

E.  ALBERTS 

241  Main  Street 

opp.  Clarke  Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE  HARDING,  '19,  Agent 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

^he  JeWel 

Store 


Also 
THE    WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Telephone  1307-M 


Compliments  of 

A.  J.  GALLUP,  INC 

We  sell 

Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx 
Clothes 


293-297  High  St. 


Holyoke,  Mass. 


Our  Food  Has   That   Tasty   Taste 
Which  Reminds   You  of  Home 


North  End  Lunch 


On  the  Left   as  You   Enter 
the  Campus 


DOOLEY'S  INN 

HOLYOKE 

aSBBBB 

The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds 
for  Ye  Aggie  Men 

BBSlSllllI 

MEALS   SERVED    AT   ALL 
HOURS 


WHICH? 

"What's   that.?     They   don't   pay 
day- wages  in  Ford's  factory?" 

"No  sah?     Even  Ford  himself  is 
doing  peace  work." 

— Pelican. 


At  registration — Where  were  you 
born  ? 

Mai  den — Nebr  ask  a . 
Clerk— What  part? 
Maiden — All  of  nie,  of  course. 
— Awgwan. 


She — Oh  dear,  do  you  know  Jas- 
mine got  the  cutest  little  table  for 
her  birthday,  all  you  have  to  do  is 
press  a  lever  and  it  changes  into  a 
desk. 

He — That's  nothing,  all  I  had  to 
do  was  to  press  the  steering  wheel 
on  my  auto  and  it  turned  into  a 
telephone  post. 

— The  Widow. 


Rummy — Say,   but  I   gotta   swell 
job  this  summer.     Easy  work. 

Roomy — I  bite,  what  is  it? 

Rummy — Workin'   in   a  bolt  fac- 
tory doin'  'nuttin.' 

—  The  Widow. 


SOME  DISTINCTION 

Proud  Mother  of  Freshman — 
My  son,  why  do  all  the  young  men 
wear  soft  shirts? 

Freshman  (hesitating) — Why, 
mother,  I  really  am  not  sure,  but 
I  think  it's  to  distinguish  them  from 
the  assistant  professors. 

— Yale  Record. 


?     ?     ? 

He — May    I    spend    this    evening 
with   you? 

Sli( — And  what  else? 

— J  ack-o^  -Lantern. 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

H^rtnttng 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printino— IRuUng— BinMna 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served 

in  the  most  modern 

manner  at  the 

COLONIAL  INN 

At  the  entrance  to  the  campus 


MEN  WHO  ADVERTISE  HAVE  SOMETIHNG  TO  SHOW 


Learn  Trapshooting 

A  Sport  for  School,  College  and  After  Years 

To  give  lasting  satisfaction,  the  sport  you  go    out  for  in  college,  should  he  one  that  can  lie 
pursued  as  a  recreation  in  offer  years — when  j'our  time  and  opportunity  for  exercise  is  limited. 

Unlike  most  school  and  college  sports,  trapshooting  provides  a  rational,  all-round  development 
a,iid  lra,ining,  which  can  he  kept  up  afier  college  days  are  over 


Write  for  new  booklet  "Trapshooting  At  School  and 
College"  to  which  many  college  men  have  contributed. 
It  contains  a  chapter  "How  to  Organize  and  Conduct 
A  College  Trapshooting  Club."     For  your  copy  address 


E.  I.  DU  PONT  DE  NEMOURS  &  COMPANY 

WILMINGTON,  DELAWARE  ESTABLISHED  1802 


ME  AN  Y'S 

Fashion  Park  Clothes 

Tailored  for  MEN  who  practice  economy  but  still  want  to  dress  to  perfection. 
Ask  to  see  the  "SPATTER" — its  the  smartest  coat  for  rainy  days. 

MEANY'S 

Good    Clothes  Good    Hats 

245   High  St.  HOLYOKE,  MASS. 

m^g^^  MARBLE  HALL  HOTEL 

"When  in  Holyoke,  Mass." 

HOME  COOKING  AT  MODERATE  PRICES 

GRILL  ON  FIRST  FLOOR  DINING  ROOM— SECOND  FLOOR 


E.  M.  Curran,  Prop. 


givp:  these  merchants  a  chance 


Gordon 


The  college  man's  shirt.  Well  made  of 
fine  white  Oxford.  Cut  on  patterns  that 
assure  perfectly  comfortable  fit.    It  is  an 

ARROW  SHIRT 


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CLUETT,  PEABODY  &  CO.,  Inc.,  MaAm  0/ A  R  ROW  C  O  L  L  A  RS,  T  R  O  Y,  N.  Y. 


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O^NORTHAMPTON^  Jp^/y  yy^Oy^  £#?  A  Tl  t\  ^'^ASSACHUSETTS:^? 

A     High-Class     Hotel  ^  Especially  suited  to  the 

desirably     located      for  ^^W,  requirements   of  tourists  on 

College     ipalrOnaGC  i|  account    of  its    pleasant    location 

American  and  European  Plans  Special  Attention    to   Banquets 

RAYSEUS   m=mc=m   ^he  College  Man's  Shop 

*^'*^    *    l^ «■—'&-*    ^^  179   Main  St.  Northampton 

^     Clothes,    Furnishings,      e^ 
«^     Shoes,     Hats  ^ 

It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS   have  just   the 

.   .1  •       •  .  Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 

correct  thing  in  young  men  s  wear.  ^^ 


PROMPT  ACTION  IS  URGENT 


''The  man  who  wants  life  insurance  must  buy  it  before  he  needs  it." 

Records  sho.v  that  one  applicant  in  nine  is  rejected.     Many  of  these  would  have  been  accepted  if  they  had 
applied    sooner. 

Seniors,  you  are  about  to  beg'n  your  careers.     You  are  now  probably  better  physically  fit  than  you    ever 
will  be.     Take  advantage  of  this  fact,  insure  at  once 

Insurance  is  a  good  investment — it  is  not  taxed — it  earns  compound  interest — it  is  absolutely  safe. 

Insurance  promotes  success — it  fosters  good  habits — it  increases  accumulations — it  increases  credit. 

If  you  have  borrowed  money,  you  may  feel  safe  if  something  should  happen  to  you.     Your  debt  is  secured. 


Seniors,  you  can  endow  your  college  with  a  substantial  sum  with  a  very  low  cost  per  man. 
We  ha\-e  fitted  out  several  colleges  in  the  East  and  West. 

Massachusetts    Mutual    Life    Insurance    Co, 

RICHARDS  &  ALLIS,  Managers  ROBERT  P.  WITHINGTON,  Representative 

Springfield,    Mass. 

CO-OPERATION   IS   THE   KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


DRAPER    HOTEL 

NORTHAMPTON,     MASS. 

WE  SOLICIT  THE  M.  A.  C.  PATRONAGE 

First      Class     Banquet     Facilities 

WM.  M.  KIMBALL,  Prop. 


KOLLEGE  KANDY  KITCHEN 

Delicious  Home  Made  Ice  Cream  Made  Only  From  Pure  Cream 

WHEN  AT  AGGIE  GET  YOUR  ICE  CREAM  AT 


When  "Up  Town"  Call  At  Our  Store 


AGGIE  INN 


Opposite  Town  Hall 


52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


School  and  College 


**    KbbotoQrapbers    ** 


Main  Studios:   1546-48   BROADWAY 
New   York  City 


The  freshmen  class  was  raw  and  green. 
Says  Lampshade,  "What  does  dogma  mean?" 
A  bright  guy  stuck  his  right  hand  up — 
"It  means  a  dog  that  has  a  pup." 

— J  ack-o-Lantern, 


The  size  of  her  hand  you  can  judge  by  her  glove, 

For  that  there  is  needed  no  art; 
But  you  never  can  judge  of  the  depth  of  the  love 

Of  a  girl  by  the  sighs  of  her  heart. 

—Froth. 


Wm.  G.  Bassett,  Pres. 


F.  N.  Kneeland,  Vice-Pres. 


Oliver  B.  Bradley,  Cashier. 


First  National  Bank 


Northampton 


Do   Your  Banking  Business  with  Us. 


Deposits  Received  by  Mail  will 
be  Promptly  Acknowledged 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOAED  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


Thomas  S.  Childs 

(Incorporated) 

275   HIGH  ST.,  HOLYOKE 


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Nnttflturk  %\x\t\ 

folunkr 


^ancinq 

Supper  Dances  every  Wednesday  Evening  from 
8:30  to  11:30  in  the  Ball  Room. 

Tea  Dances  Saturday  Afternoons  from  3:30   to 
6  P.M. 

SUNDAY   TABLE   D'HOTE  DINNER  $1.25 

Served  from  6:30  to  8:30  (with  music) 

GORHAM   BENEDICT,  Manager 


Caps  and  Gowns 

Makers  to 

Massachusetts  Agricultural,  Amherst,  Brown,  Yale 
and  many  others 

Faculty  Gowns  and  Hoods 

Purple,  Choir  and  Judical  Robes 

Cox  Sons  &  Vining 

72  Madison  Ave.,  New  York 


MENTION  THE  SQUIB 


Spring  is  here 
And  brings  good  cheer, 
Air  is  balmy  and  subline 
With  that  raggy  ragtime. 


Business  Manager 
A.  E.  LINDOUIST  '16 


Circulating  Manager 
D.  M.  LIPSHIRES  '18 

Assistants 

A.  BOOTH  '17 

A.  J.  WING  '19 


15  CENTS  A  COPY 


All  contributions  should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor-in-Chief .  They  will  be  given  credit 
in  the  annual  elections  to  the  board.  Business  communications  should  he  addressed  to  the 
Business  Manager. 


Entry  as  Second  Class  Mail  Matter  pending 


No.  8 


N  consequence  of  the  numerous  sounds  of  external  nature, 
as  the  warbling  of  the  birds,  the  whistling  of  the  wind,  the 
buzzing  or  calls  of  insects,  the  yodling  of  the  students,  the 
cries  of  beasts  puncturing  Squibby's  ear  drums  he  is  filled 
with  indefinable  yearnings.  All  these  hilarious  sounds 
suggests  to  him  that  syncopated  music  known  as  ragtime. 
Moreover  the  appearance  of  the  second  hand  clothing 
dealer  who  says  "I'll  give  you  a  quarter  for  your  winter 
suit"  brings  ragtime  to  his  mind.  But  let  us  see  how 
ragtime  originated. 

Song  as  Squibby  understands  it,  is  primarily  a  form  of 
speech,  and  is  derived  from  some  attempt  to  work  ofl' 
surplus  energy.  A  person  usually  works  off  this  super- 
fluity when  he  is  feeling  happy  and  always  at  the  most  inopportune  time.  We  find  this  partic- 
ularly true  with  Mr.  Newlywed's  baby  who  sings  in  the  wee  hours  of  the  morning.  Music  also 
stimulates  emotional  excitement  and  helps  to  maintain  muscular  and  nervous  energy.  Of  course  ragtime 
fir.st  began  in  Adam's  time,  for  it  was  his  duty  to  play  "In  the  Shade  of  the  Old  Apple  Tree" 
on  his  Syrin,  to  Eve  "At  the  End  of  a  Perfect  Day."  Later  on  in  the  ages  we  trace  the  rhythmic 
motions  of  the  music  with  some  recurrent  noise,  like  handclapping,  which  prevailed  among  the 
negroes.  Moreover,  we  find  the  rhythm  of  singing  tends  to  induce  bodily  motions  and  thus 
inevitably  brings  dancing  and  song  to-gether.  Mr.  Newlywed  is  again  on  the  job  and  we  see  him 
dancing  to  the  midnight  song  of  their  only  child.  Thus  we  have  obtained  one  of  the  essentials  of 
life  RACrriME,  how  could  we  do  without  it? 


-THE    SQUIB- 


\HE  question  that  has  long  been  of  importance  on  college  campuses 
is  one  concerning  the  attitude  that  should  be  maintained  between 
the  students  and  professors  especially  when  they  meet  on  the  street 
and  Squibby  will  now  endeavor  to  shed  a  little  light  on  the  subject. 
Time  was  when  the  seekers  after  knowledge  thought  nothing  of  shy- 
ing several  snowballs  at  some  old,  absent-minded  professor  as  he 
strolled  down  the  wintry  street  trying  to  puzzle  out  a  way  to  define 
the  fourth  dimension  but  those  times  are  no  more.  Now-a-days 
the  words  that  we  hear  emphasized  are  "Noblesse  oblige"  and 
Squibby  is  heartily  in  favor  of  the  sentiment  expressed  although  he 
may  not  know  their  literal  translation.  He  believes  that  all  profes- 
sors, no  matter  how  insignificant,  should  be  treated  "with  as  much 
dignity  as  they  can  command,  which,  however,  varies  somewhat 
with  the  individual.  Of  course  a  new  instructor  on  a  college  campus 
must  expect  to  be  greeted  with  such  salutations  as  ,"Hi,  old  boy," 
until  he  has  established  his  identity  because  some  of  them  don't  look  so  very  much  different  from 
other  people  after  all.  Therefore  it  is  with  the  utmost  conviction  that  Squibby  endorses  this  movement 
and  hopes  that  the  time  will  soon  come  when  all  professors  will  be  so  far  removed  from  ordinary 
people  that  they  will  be  treated  with  as  much  awe  and  dignity  as  kings  and  emperors. 


-THE    SQUIB 


HOW   RAGTIME   WAS    CHRISTENED 

OF  course  you  all  know  the  difference  between 
Ragtime  and  Classical  music.  If  you  ex- 
press a  liking  for  Classical  music  you  are  educated, 
and  if  you  tell  people  you  are  crazy  about  ragtime, 
you  are  ignorant. 

Now,  once  upon  a  time,  as  all  good  stories  be- 
gin, there  was  a  great  composer.  Of  course  the 
great  composers  were  all  once  upon  a  time.  Well, 
not  to  depart  from  the  serious  subject  under  dis- 
cussion, this  great  composer  was  a  great  personal 
friend  of  mine,  so  I  wont  mention  his  name,  for 
I  don't  want  him  to  turn  in  his  grave.  I'll  just 
call  him  Padherhindski  for  short — or  for  long  if 
you  want.  I  don't  care  how  long  you  call  him 
that.  My  friend  P.  was  the  best  writer  of  Classical 
music.  In  fact,  his  classical  music  had  so  much 
class  to  it  that  the  classy  people  had  all  they  could 
do  to  master  one  of  his  pieces  in  a  j'ear,  more  or 
less,  depending  on  how  classy  the  people  were. 
Consequentiously,  the  sale  of  these  pieces  dimin- 
ished gradually  until  there  was  nothing  left  to 
diminish,  for  people  found  they  had  laid  in  a 
st'ock  sufHcient  to  supply  their  musical  appetites 
for  generations  and  generations.  But  the  pro- 
ceeds, financially,  from  the  sale  of  this  classical 
music  was  not  even  sufficient  for  the  present  gen- 
eration. 

M  He  was  finally  reduced  to  utter  poverty  and  was 
at  the  point  of  departing  from  this  cold  and  cruel 
world  (it  was  in  the  winter  time).  He  said  he 
would  write  his  own  requim,  but  he  was  so  weak 
from  fasting  that  he  could  only  work  spasmodi- 
cally so  some  notes  were  made  longer  than  others 
and  the  time  was  jerky  and  uneven.  When  he 
had  it  completed  he  asked  a  number  of  friends  to 
come  and  hear  it.  It  proved  to  be  such  an  original 
and  unusual  piece  of  music  that  the  people  wel- 
comed it  with  open  arms  as  a  break  in  the  monot- 
ony of  the  classy  stuff. 

His  requim  sold  so  well  that  he  pulled  his  foot 
out  of  the  grave  and  is  still  writing  what  he  called 
ragtime,  for  the  music  or  noise,  whichever  you 
choose  to  call  it  was  written  during  the  most 
ragged  time  of  his  life. 


'SOMEBOBY  KNOAVS" 


k  S  I  was  walking  across  the  square 
*     I  met  an  Aggie  Student 
"Where  are  you  going,"  says  he. 
"For  a  pie,"  says  I. 
"For  who?"  says  he. 
"For  ma,"  says  I. 

" ,"  says  he. 

" ,"  says  I, 

"I'll  meet  you  bye  and  bye." 


SHE  AND  HE  ARE  OUT  WALKING 

SHE — Who  is  that  tramp  that  just  tipped  his 
hat  as  he  passed  us? 
He — That  wasn't  a  real   tramp  my  dear,  just 
one  of  our  (R)  Aggie  boys  out  for  a  tramp. 


5HUN — Say  old  man  you  certainly  treat  your 
stenographer  fine. 
Sun — Why  sJiouldn't  I,  I  can  dictate  to  her. 


POPULAR   MUSIC 

•yilERE'S  A  Broken  Heart  for  Every  Light   on 
^       Broadway 

When  you  Come  to  the  End  of  a  Perfect  Day 
In  Inky,  Winky,  Blinky  Chinatown. 


WHAT  AVON'T  AVE  DO  FOR  A  SMOKE? 

STUDE — May  I  ask  you  for  the  next  one  step? 
Smith  Girl — I  promised  it  to  Jack. 
Stude — Yes,  I  know,  but  he  sold  it  to  me  for  a 
"Making." 


-THE    SQUIB 


"WHEN  OLD  BILL  BAILEY  PLAYED 
THE  UKULELE" 


# 


# 


INTUITION 


FROSH — How  did  you  get  all  this  money? 
Bosh — Oh,  intuition. 
Frosh — How's  that? 

Bosh — The  treasurer  forgot  to  put  it  on  my  bill, 
so  I'm  in  tuition. 


LOCAL   COLOR 

MISTRESS  (to  colored  maid) — "Mary  do  you 
know  where  the  shoe-blacking  brush  is? 
Mary — "Yes  mum,  I  done  used  it  for  a  powder 
puff  last  night,  and  I  forgot  to  put  it  back. 

# 

WILD   BUT   TAME 

FATHER — See  here,  son,  I  don't  want  to  hear 
of  you  being  around  with  that  girl  any  more. 
She  has  the  reputation  of  being  rather  wild. 

Son — She's  not  wild  at  all  father,  in  fact  I  can 
get  up  quite  close  to  her. 


K 


A   SUMMARY 
INDLY  old  gent — Rastus,  do  you  take  your 
vacation  in  the  winter  time? 
Rastus — No  sail.  Ah  summarizes. 


# 


# 


TIM — That    guy    has    a    mighty    head    on    his 
shoulders. 
Jim — You're  right  he  has,  I  saw  one  crawling 
on  his 'neck. 


AMHERST   MAIDENS 

TOBACCO  in  the  silt  doth  grow,  and  onions  ply 
their  trade  between 
The  Aggie  boys  walk  to  and  fro,  and  leave  their 

sweat  shirts  on  the  green. 
"But  who  are  those  who  stroll  about,  upon  the 

sward  so  cool  and  damp?" 
"Why  those  the  local  maidens  are,  who  drive  the 
Aggie  boys  to  Hamp." 

As  to  the  P.  0.  I  did  pass,  to  send  the  laundry  to 

my  home 
From  East  Street  they  came  up  en  masse,  and  this 

idea  came  in  my  dome, 
"Why  don't  the  college  boys  get  wise?"  I  asked  of 

one,  "Why  turn  your  back?" 
He  said  "We  shun  the   goo-goo  eyes,  in    Amherst 

by  the  C.  V.  track." 


ly/flSTRESS    (To  new   maid) — How   did   these 
*»*     horrible  men  get  into  this  house? 

New  Maid — "They  filed  in  one  by  one,  mum." 
Mistress — "Filed  their  way  in!     Good  Heavens, 
burglars. 


GREEN — What  are  you  going  to  major  in? 
Greener — Veterinary  Science. 
Green — Do  you  think  you  will  like  it? 
Greener — Yup,    I've    always    liked    to    cut    up 
more  or  less. 


-THE    SQUIB- 


MANY   OF   THEM 

SHE  has  a  lot  of  courage,  hasn't  she?" 
"Why  not,  she  is  betrothed  to  a  man  named 


Menysohns." 


# 


ADAPTABILITY 

HE  had  two  legs,  jnst  skinny  pegs,  but  they 
were  useful  in  his  biz 
For  charity  he  begged  around,  with  lumbago  and 
rhelimatiz. 

# 

REGISTER  surprise"  said  Mr.  Movie  Man; 
Register  disgust  and  look  unhappy  as  you 

can; 
Register  delight;  show  joy  in  your  eyes; 
Register  anxiety  before  the  hero  dies." 
We  are  like  the  movie  actors  every  single  day, 
We  register  'most  anything  that  happens  in  the 

"play," 
We  even  think  we  mean  it  if  it  fits  into  our  part, 
But  there's  blame  few    times    we  register  the 

thing  that's  next  our  heart. 


# 


HASHER — I  ordered  pork  chops,  and  I  only 
got  one. 
Waiter — That's  funny,  I  gave  it  an  extra  chop 
before  I  came  out. 


HOW   TO   COMPOSE   RAGTIME 

IN  order  to  write  ragtime  you  must  select  some 
squeamish,  startling  title.  Any  of  the  follow- 
ing may  be  selected  as  they  have  been  passed  by 
the  National  Board  of  Matrons 

Let  me  be  Your  Little  Wriggling  Tapeworm. 

He  Bought  His  Wife  a  Rolling  Pin  to  Keep  the 
Ice  Man  Away. 

He  sat  in  the  Parlor  and  Saw  the  Stove  Poker 
in  the  ribs. 

Please  Sell  my  Corpse  for  Fifty  Cents  and  Give 
the  Money  to  Dad. 

Mother  has  Hocked  the  Canary  in  Order  to 
Buy  a  Ford. 

Father  Has  Turned  on  the  Hot  AVater  to  Give 
the  Goldfish  a  Bath. 

After  your  good  taste  has  determined  which 
one  of  the  above  would  be  most  likely  to  make 
you  a  millionaire,  go  to  a  bank  or  to  the  Bursar 
and  obtain  as  many  sixty  day  notes  as  possible. 
If  you  are  fortunate  you  will  get  notes  which  are 
both  high  and  low  and  some  of  them  longer  than 
others.  Now  use  a  little  "horse  sense"  and  by 
rubbing  a  rag  over  these  notes  you  attain  the 
proper  rhythym  of  ragtime.  Thus,  you  have  the 
music  but  not  the  text  of  the  song. 

In  the  first  line  say  "Sweetheart,  will'st  thou  be 
mine?"  In  the  second  line  mention  the  fact  that 
she  is  as  beautiful  as  the  clinging  ivy  vine.  Be  sure 
and  use  the  word  "Dear"  in  every  other  line  and 
end  the  song  with  a  kiss  underneath  the  silvery 
moon.  Thus  your  song  is  complete,  now  all  you 
have  to  do  is  to  publish  it. 


JUDGE — -Aren't   you   ashamed   of  yourself  for 
attacking  a  defenceless  man? 
Prisoner — He  wasn't  defenceless  your  honor,  he 
had  two  bills  and  a  bad  cent. 


THE    SQUIB 


EASTER  SUNDAY 


ALL  THE  BIRDS  COULD  SEE" 
HATS 


THE    TRAIN   HOME 

P'R'HAPS  home  ain't   much  but   a  coop,  five 
by  four; 
Not  a  motor  in  the  garage;  gloom  sour 
Where  there   ought  to  be  a  sweetheart's   gentle 
voice. 
P'r'haps   home   is   even   worse   than    that — no 
choice, 
But  ain't  it  good  to  hit  the  train  that's  going 
home? 


P'r'haps  you've  hit  a  quizz  where  you  wanted. 
Seen  a  95  against  your  name  undaunted 

On  the  books:  p'r'haps  had  a  flush  in  poker, 
A  shining  glass  of — yes  old  toper. 

But  ain't  it  good  to  hit  the  train  that's  going 
home? 
Everything's  so  friendly  there  and  true, 
Seems  as  if  the  town  said  "Howdy-Do": 

P'r'haps  there  ain't  no  sweetheart  every  day, 
Pr'haps  there  ain't  jollity,   frivolity,   say — 

But  ain't  it  good  to  hit  the  train  that's  going 
home? 


'He 


TTRANSLATION  GEM— "Plia  la  carte." 
^       Unprepared  student  faintly  murmurs,    ' 
pushed  the  cart." 

E.  C.  (writing  a  theme  on  "Crowds") — ^"And 
the  people  swarming  from  the  place  looked  like 
so  many  hosts  of  ants — don't  you  think  that 
makes  a  good  climax,  Mary?" 

M.  T. — "Anticlimax,  I  should  call  it." 


Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

I  have  seen  your  valuable  advise  to  college 
men  and  thought  perhaps  you  might  be  able  to 
help  me  out. 

There  is  a  young  man  who  has  formed  the  habit 
of  coming  over  to  see  me  two  or  three  times  a 
week.  Every  time  he  comes  he  stays  so  late 
that  the  matron  has  to  request  him  to  leave.  I 
never  sing  or  play  for  him  after  nine  o'clock, 
hoping  that  he  will  be  bored  enough  to  go,  but 
it  doesn't  do  any  good.  He  is  a  vei-y  hearty  eater 
and  always  monopolizes  the  fudge  dish. 

Kindly  tell  me  what  you  think  of  this  strange 
case. 

Your  puzzled 

College  Girl. 
Have  you  investigated  this  young  man's 
financial  standing?  Perhaps  he  hasn't  a  steady 
lodging  house  and  appreciates  the  opportunity 
of  warming  his  feet  at  your  expense.  Your 
ever-ready  plate  of  fudge  probably  enables  him 
to  save  in  his  supper  money  the  evenings  he 
calls  on  you.  No  doubt  he  is  looking  for  you 
to  ask  him  to  be  a  steady  boarder.  This  is 
leap  year  you  know.  You  say  you  never  sing  or 
play  for  him  after  nine  o'clock.  Probably  he 
enjoys  his  visit  more  after  you  have  stopped  your 
entertainment  and  lingers  to  make  up  for  the 
time  spent  in  listening  to  you.  He  may  think 
he  has  earned  that  privilege  of  prolonging  his 
visit.  Next  time  he  comes,  try  the  excuse  of 
being  out  of  cocoa  and  his  hunger  may  drive 
him  away  before  the  dog  cart  closes. 


BROTHER    TO    THE     GIRL     WITH     THE 
WRIGLEY  EYES? 

"Don't  be  so  i-estless,"  the  teacher  said, 
"I'm  soiTy  but  can't  help  it  mum," 

Sassed  Willie,  ducking  his  little  head, 
'Cause  I'm  chewing  Wrigley  gum. 


-THE    SQUIB 


RAG   TIME    MUSIC 

T\  AG  time  music  is  very  useful,  for  without  it  we 
^  *  could  have  no  informals  or  proms,  and  then 
what  would  be  the  sense  in  going  to  college. 
Rushing  season  with  no  rag  time  would  be  like  a 
gin  rickey  with  the  gin  left  out.  Rag  time  is  used 
by  college  men  (after  graduation)  for  putting  the 
baby  to  sleep,  one  note  usually  sufficing  to  stun 
the  child.  It  is  a  very  easy  matter  to  write  a  rag 
time  song,  the  process  being  as  follows :  First  take 
parts  of  Irving  Berlin's  latest  hits  and  then  make 
the  rest  up  by  whistling  to  yourself.  Now  you 
have  the  music  all  written.  For  the  words,  get  a 
girl  in  your  home  town,  preferably  one  whose 
name  rhymes  well,  bid  her  farewell  and  take  a 
trip  of  a  couple  of  hundred  miles  or  so  to  a  lonely 
country  village,  or  to  New  York  with  no  money  in 
your  pocket,  the  effect  in  both  cases  being  the 
same.  Then  start  to  brood  over  your  troubles 
and  wish  yourself  back  with  your  sweetheart.  As 
these  thoughts  go  running  thru  your  mind,  rhyme 
them  and  put  them  on  paper.  To  be  sure  of  suc- 
cess always  take  some  part  of  "Home  Sweet 
Home."  The  publishers  are  now  crawling  over 
each  other  to  get  your  song.  Once  it  is  published 
it  will  be  sung  in  every  motion  picture  house  in 
the  country  and  after  every  body  has  forgotten  it, 
you  will  hear  it  at  the  Amherst  Town  Hall. 


BEANWORK 


NUT — Why  don't  you  use  your  bean  once  in  a 
while? 
Nutty — What's  the  use.      You  wouldn't  know  if 
I  wa.s  using  it  anyway. 


IODINE — Hasn't  he  got  a  rich  voice.^ 
*     f-'hlorine — Yes,  it  sounds  well  off. 


FEMINIST   JITNEY   RAG 

OH  happily  I'll  greet  the  day,  when  I  will  gaily 
have  to  pay 
A  nickel  to  a  street  car  dame,  some  Moll,  a  Susie, 
or  a  Mame. 
In  vain  she'll  cry  out  "Move  up  front," 
The  rear  platform  will  bear  the  brunt 

Of  passengers  from  everywheres 
When  lady  "CONS"  collect  the  fares. 


B 


ANQUET  seasons,   like  cut   hair  are  a  by- 
product of  barberism. 


SMITHSONIAN  POETIC  ASSOCIATION  OF 
IDEAS 

CULTURED     She — Have     you     seen     Spoon 
River.'" 
Visiting  He — No,  does  it  run  near  Dippy  Hill? 

# 

NOTICE 

THE  janitors  of  the  AVest  Side  of  the  campus 
hereby  ifesue  a  Sweeping  challenge  to  the 
janitors  of  the  East  Side  of  the  campus.  Manager 
Young  of  the  West  Siders  has  been  brushing  up  on 
the  fine  points  of  janitorial  courtesy,  and  Manager 
Nash  of  the  East  Siders  has  a  new  scheme  of  team 
work.    We  do  not  know  just  how  this  will  pan  out. 


"  A  FATHER  oyster  and  his  son  were  swimming 

**     in  the  stew. 
The  father  to  the  son  did  say  "This  is  the  tenth 

that  we've  been  thru 
Just  then  a  man  sat  down  to  eat,  so  the  father  with 

a  frown. 
Behind  an  oyster  cracker  ducked — 
— Just  as  the  son  (sun)  went  down. 

Hurried  Exit. 

BRICK — What  do  you  think  of  the  Inclination 
Fox  trot? 
Bat — Well  I've  got  the  inclination  but  not  the 
ability. 


MIKE — And  why  are  ye  putting  the  ice  around 
the  furnace  for? 
Pat — Well  the  directions  that  come  with  the 
furnace  say  that  in  order  to  kape  the  fire  hot  you 
must  kape  it  coaled  ?  " 


8 


-THE    SQUIB 


RAGTIME 

SOME  people  talk,  and  write,  and  sing- 
In  language  so  poetic 
Of  the  beautiful  and  balmy  spring. 
I  think  it's  quite  pathetic 
To  hear  these  people  madly  rave 
And  I  almost  cut  myself  when  I  shave 
For  they  make  me  lose  my  temper 

It's  well  enough  to  write  and  talk 

About  the  balmy  spring. 

But  when  you  shiver  and  can't  keep  warm 

That's  quite  another  thing. 

I'd  wait  to  see  what  the  'morrow  would  bring 

Before  I'd  sing  of  the  Ba'my  Spring 

For  we  might  have  snow  tomorrow. 

Stop,  Look  and  Listen.     IS  it  right 

To  call  this  season  Springtime.'' 

If  I  could  upset  Tradition  a  bit 

I'd  rather  call  it  Ragtime. 

Perhaps  that  will  bring  to  your  face  a  smile 

But  if  you'll  give  your  attention  a  little  while 

I'll  tell  you  just  why  I  think  so. 

I  don't  quite  dare,  while  winter  hangs  'round 

Put  on  my  summer  clothes. 

If  I  did,  it  would  be  my  luck  to  get 

Of  the  grippe,  another  dose. 

So  1 11  just  hang  on  to  my  winter  things 

Until  Spring  some  warmer  weather  brings 

And  I  hope  it  will  before  long. 


I 


[ACK — What  are  you  going  to  do  this  summer.'' 
'      Bill — In  a  bakery  shop,  loafing. 

F  the  Math  building  was  Wilder,  I'd  like  to  see 
Stockbridge  Hall  it  away. 


THE  Lulu  bird  says — It  is  singular  but  true  that 
after   a   bread    bombardment   at   the    hash 
house  we  always  have  bread  pudding. 

# 

TEACHER — Johnny,  what  is  three  quai-ters  of 
eight?" 
Johnny — Quarter  past  seven. 


My  winter  underwear  is  raveling 

Around  the  bottom  and  the  top  too. 

If  I  wear  my  winter  shoes  much  more 

You  wont  know  it  was  ever  a  shoe 

I'm  walking  on  my  heel  to  save  my  sole. 

All  my  winter  socks  have  a  great  big  hole 

And  I'm  afraid  they  wont  last  much  longer. 

There's  a  fringe  around  the  bottom 

Of  my  heavy  winter  coat. 

And  on  the  shape  of  my  winter  hat 

I  don't  exactly  "dote," 

I  have  such  a  ragged  feeling 

When  Springtime  comes  astealing 

That's  why  I'd  rather  call  it  Ragtime. 


LATER 
'ROSH — How  far  is  it  to  Northampton? 
Amherst  Police  Force — About  one  gallon. 


S.    0.    S. 

PROFESSOR — Give    me   a   description   of   the 
underworld. 
Stude — I  haven't  got  that  far  yet,  but  we  can 
discuss  that  better  later  on. 

AT   THE   JUNIOR   TREE   PLANTING 

SOAKEMUP — Say,  aren't  you  going  to  have  a 
glass  of  beer? 
Experienced   one — Nope,   last   year  they   took 
moving  pictures  of  the  affair,  and  I  saw  myself  as 
an  actor. 


D 


AFTER   THE   INFORMAL 

OT — How  did  you  ever  manage  to  hold  up 
that  gown  you  wore  yesterday? 
Nel — Just  by  the  mere  force  of  will. 
Dot—Will  who? 


■THE    SQUIB- 


BOOSTING  THE  SUBSCRIPTION  PRICE 

THERE    was    a   little   publisher   who    made   a 
living — just. 
"I  must,"  he  said,  "a  wiggle  on  or  something  here 

will  bust." 
He  printed  ev'ry  Friday  night  a  dinky  little  sheet 
That  kept  a  hat  upon  his  head  and  yarn  socks  on 

his  feet. 
He'd   danced   the   same   old   dance   for   years — a 

tame  and  pleasant  "rag," 
That   furnished  him   amusement   and   put   small 

change  in  his  bag. 
"But  now,'    he  said,   "I'll  change  my  tune;  I'll 

boost  subscription  price 
Four    hundred    more    simoleons    would    come    in 

kinder  nice." 
And  so  he  wrote  an  explana.  for  Tom  and  Dick 

and  Jim, 
And  asked  them  all  to  help  the  cause — and  inci- 

dent'ly  him. 
He  pointed  out  the  work  he'd  done  for  Mudd- 

ville,  county  Grass, 
And  all  the  happy  tricks  he'd  turned  for  fun — or 

apple-sass. 
Declaring,  now  he  needed  cash,  he  knew  they'd  all 

come  thru. 
And  then  he  bought  some  chewing  gum  and  sat 

him  down  to  chew. 

His  step  was  light,  his  eye  was  bright. 
He  whistled  going  home  that  night. 

Next  morning  he  could  hardly  stop  to  eat  his 
mush  and  eggs, 

And  had  there  been  electric  cars  he  had  not  used 
his  legs; 

But  when  he  reached  the  office  and  in  haste  un- 
locked the  door, 

He  gazed  with  satisfaction  at  the  mail  upon  the 
floor. 

For  there  were  heaps  and  heaps  of  it  as  he  could 
plainly  see — 

The  envelopes  and  postal  cards  in  vast  variety. 

'I*  T*  'T"  'I*  -1^ 

I  cannot  find  it  in  my  heart  to  tell  you,  inch  by  inch. 
The  feelings  that  his  feelers  felt,  but  that  mail 

made  him  flinch 
From  out  a  bunch  of  envelopes  that  numbered 

fifteen  score 
He  pulled  exactly  one  long  green;  honest,  there 

were  no  more 
But  thinking  what  the  plunk  would  buy  did  cheer 

him  up  a  bit. 
Until  he  reached  the  restaurant — and  found  'twas 

counterfeit. 

Clinton  S.  Wady. 

10 


A  WONDERFULL  STRAIN 

# 
AT   THE    BALL 

CLUTCHEM — Did   you   notice   that   girl,    she 
looks  like  a  German  spy?" 
Losem — How's  that?" 

Clutchem — Why  she's  got  enough  powder  on 
her  face  to  blow  up  the  French  army." 

PROGRESSING 

PROSH — How  are  you  making  out  with  that 
■*■        new  girl  of  yours? 

Soph — Oh  great!     She  only  leaves  one  gas  jet 
burning  now." 


A   LABOR   SAVING   DEVICE 

A  BUSY  young  man  had  a  girl  named  Dot, 
Sometimes  he  liked  her,  sometimes  not. 
And  when  he  wrote  her  a  letter,  he  couldn't  do 
better 
Than  to  write  iust  "Dear." 


[•HE — Why  didn't  they  play  that  new  rag  time 
'     song? 
He — Oh,  that  music  was  barred. 


SLUMPED   AGAIN 

FAN — Can   you   tell   me   why    Catchemall   has 
slumped  in  his  fielding  average? 
Bleacherite — He   prefers   chasihg   highballs    in 
in  Hamp  now." 


THE    SQUIB 


FISHTORY   IN   THE    MAKING 

AN  Aggie  student  you  all  know,  thot  he  would 
a-fishing  go, 
His  tackle  then  he  had  to  get,  a  pole  and  hook  that 

might  be  wet; 
He  didn't  need  to  buy  a  line,  for  we  all  have  one 
(I  have  mine). 

A  fish  environment  he  sought,  in  which  to  cast  the 

line  not  bought. 
He  threw  the  tackle  in  the  de^p,  lit  up  a  pipe  and 

went  to  sleep; 
With  hungry  fish  the  stream  was  full,  and  soon 

one  bit — he  had  a  pull. 

The  hooked  one  sank  beneath  the  flood,  the 
hooker  woke  and  saw  his  blood. 

With  baited  breath  the  poor  fish  swam,  his  angiy 
words  flowed  past  the  "damn," 

Pity  this  poor  caught  fish  you  must,  to  see  his  life 
so  LUMBRICUSSED. 

# 

JUNIOR    after    shooting    off     his     score — 'Tis 
better  to  have  shot  and  missed  than  never  to 
have  shot  at  all! 

Another — All  that  I  hit  was  not  the  mark, 

I  could  do  better  in  the  dark. 
One  more — When  all  is  over  and  said  and  done. 
All  I  can  shoot  is  the  sunset  gun. 

SAL  AMANDA  WAS  NO  FISH  BUT  ALL  THE 
POLES  TRAILED  AFTER  HER 

SAL  AMANDA,  Sal  Amanda,  loved  a  Sunder- 
land Polander 
He  was  tall  and  used  to  hand  her 
Quite  a  line  on  their  meander 
With  tobacco  leaf  he  fanned  her 
Did  the  best  he  could  to  land  her 
But  a  rival,  some  Leander 
Cut  him  out. — He  says  he  canned  her. 

# 

A  MISUNDERSTANDING 

PAT  had  become  somewhat  intoxicated  while 
working  in  a  vacant  lot,  and  after  he  went 
home  that  night  his  employer  mailed  his  wages 
with  a  curt  discharge.  In  ten  days  time  Pat 
came  back  ready  for  work.  "Didn't  you  read 
what  I  wrote  in  the  letter?"  incpiired  the  land- 
lord. "Yes  but  what  did  it  say  on  the  outside?" 
queried  Pat.  "Well  what?"  asked  the  landlord. 
"Return  in  10  days  to  J.  P.  Thompson,"  so  I 
took  the  required  vacation  and  am  now  ready  to 
work."     And  Pat  stayed. 


FRIENDSHIP 

C'RIEND — I  heard  that  a  bandit  I'elieved  you  of 
*        your  pocket  book  last  night. 

Newly  wed — No  relief  for  me,  but  he  saved  my 
wife  the  trouble. 

# 
WHO   SAID    GASOLENE 

'C'ATHER  of  college  boy — My  son  says  he  is 
*■        burning  a  lot  of  midnight  oil  lately. 

Friend — Yes,  you'll  think  so  when  you  get  his 
bill  for  gasolene. 


f 


IT'S  H— LL  TO  BE  A  FRESHMAN 


"THE   SILENT   HALLS"— NOT   YET 

IN  college  classes  now-a-days,  the  ftel'ows  can't 
keep   still 
If  they  don't  stop  this  thing  quite  soon,  the 
faculty  sure  will 
Why  you  can  sit  in  any  class  and  hear  a  pin  drop 
on  the  floor 
(But  it  must  be  a  rolling  pin  of  forty  pounds  and 
then  some  more. 


# 


WHY  FATHER  FAILED 

John — "Where  is  the  waiter,  I  wan'ta  spoon." 
Mary — I  hope  he  comes  in  right  off." 

# 

The  Lulu  Bird  says, 

It  is  a  poor  conductor  that  don't  know  that 
sniping  nickles  is  a  fair  game. 

That  just  because  a  prof  gives  bolts  he  isn't 
an  iron  man. 

The  Swanee  River  may  be  far,  far  away  but 
it  is  only  twelve  cents  over  the  Connecticut. 

Love  is  a  game  where  two  hands  are  better 
than  one. 

It  is  a  cinch  that  the  "Blue  Laws"  are  never 
red. 

A  prof,  spelled  the  word  "application"  Apple- 
cation,  and  it  wasn't  a  "pom"  prof  at  that. 


11 


fiHl)    nORE    OF 

Thtn  — 


From  the  Collegfe  Comics 


HER   COMEBACK 

Evangeline — How  do  you  like  my  new  hat? 
Caroline — I  think  it  is  charming.     I  had  one 
just  like  it  last  year. 

— Philadelphia  Evening  Ledger. 

"Say,  Claude,  did  you  get  your  shirt  back  from 
the  laundry?" 

"Yes,  Reginald,  but  not  the  front." 

— Longhorn. 

# 

"Is  she  modest?" 

"Modest?  Why,  she  can't  watch  a  billiard 
game." 

"What's  the  reason?" 

"She  blushes  every  time  the  balls  kiss." 

—  The  Jester. 

A   SUITABLE    MATCH 

"So  you  think  Katherine  made  a  very  suita- 
able  match?" 

"Yes,  indeed;  you  know  what  a  nervous,  ex- 
citable girl  she  was.  Well,  she  married  a  com- 
poser." 

—  Tit-Bits.     . 


AN   EYE   TO   THE   FUTURE 
Clerk — Do  you   want  your  wife's   initials   put 
inside  the  watch?" 

Hubby — No,  er — just  better  put  "To  my  dear- 
est." 

— Siren. 

Hick — This  match  won't  light. 
Hike — That's  funny.     It  lit  all  right  a  minute 
ago. 

— Michigan  Gargoyle. 


GO   SLOW 

"A  wise  man  may  change  his  opinion." 
"Yes,"    replied    Senator    Sorghum.     "But    it's 
like    changing    a    twenty-dollar    bill.     If    you're 
careless  about  it  you  finish  with  nothing  worth 
mentioning." 

• — Washington  Star. 


Officer  (to  applicant  for  aeronautical  corps) — 
Do  you  know  anything  about  flying  machines? 
Young  Aviator — Yes,  sir,  I  was  raised  on  them. 

— Pelican. 


He — Does  your  mother  object  to  kissing? 
She — You  needn't  think  you  can  kiss  the  whole 
family. 

Froth. 


Him — Are  you  ticklish? 
Her — I  don't  know. 

(Business.) — Columbia  Jester. 


A   LONG   CHANCE 

Departing  Diner — I'd  like  to  give  you  a  tip, 
waiter,  but  I  find  I  have  only  my  taxi  fare  left. 

Waiter — They  do  say,  sir,  that  an  after-dinner 
walk  is  very  good  for  the  'ealth,  sir. 

— Boston  Transcript. 


"What  do  you  charge  for  your  rooms?" 
"Five  dollars  up." 
"But  I'm  a  student — " 
"Then  it's  five  dollars  down." 

— Cornell  Widow. 


THE    SQUIB- 


CURIOUS 

Stranger — I  noticed  your  advertisement  in  the 
paper  this  morning  for  a  man  to  retail  imported 
canaries. 

Proprietor  of  Bird  Store — Yes;  have  you  had 
any  experience  in  that  line? 

Stranger — Oh,  no;  I  merely  had  a  curiosity  to 
know  how  the  canaries  lost  their  tails. 

— Indianapolis  Star. 

ZAT   SO? 

Nervous  Co-ed — Conductor,  which  end  of  this 
car  do  I  get  off  of? 

Conductor — It  doesn't  make  much  difference, 
mam.     Both  ends  stop. 

— Siren. 

# 

WOEFULL   WEIGHTING 

London     Automobilist — The    bloomin'    bobby 
pulled  me  in  and  I  had  to  pay  a  heavy  fine. 
Wife — How  heavy,  Sassafras? 
L.  A. — Ten  pounds. 

• — Jester. 


Fred — I've  just  invested  in  a  sound  proposi- 
tion. 

Ned — How  so? 

Fred — I  bought  a  phonograph. 

— Lampoon. 


AFTER   THE    GAME 

Poke — How    did   you    come    to   lose    so    much 
money? 

Kerr — I  didn't  come  to  lose. 

— Siren. 


THE   WIND    WAS   AGAINST   HER 

Wife  (to  her  husband  who  came  in  late  for 
lunch,  having  stopped  on  his  way  home  at  an 
Italian  Cafe  with  a  few  friends) — Don't  come 
near  me,  you  have  been  drinking  and  eating 
garlic. 

Happy  Husband — No,  dear,  that's  your  breath, 
your  standing  in  the  draft. 

— Pitt  Panther. 


Next  The  Anaesthetic  Number 


He 


Y 


ave    I  ou  Dean 


Our 


Outing  Suits  and  Sport  coats 

Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  models 

Sanderson  and 
Thompson     Hi 


Let  'em  know 
we  are  alive 


Send  home  a 
copy  of  the  Squib 


"Ye  Aggie  Inn" 

"Everything  is  so  Tasty" 


Student  Supplies  of  all  kinds  in  our  store 

Ingersol  Watches 
in  Celluloid  Cases  $1.00 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's  Boot  Shop 

211  Main  Street 
The  Spring  Styles  are  here 

Northampton,    -    Mass. 


Phelps  &  Gare 

112  Main  Street 
Northampton,  Mass. 

'Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to 
look  over  our  stock  at  any  time. 


Sport  Coats 

Outing  Suits 

Blooming  now  are  all  the  newest 
styles  for  young  men. 

Suits  in  colors  and  designs  that 
sparkle  with  newness. 
Northampton  Agents  For  Society 
Brand   Clothes  For   Young   Men 

MERRIT  CLARK  &  CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 


BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candies  & 
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247-249  Main  Street 
Northampton 


**Bicle-a-Wee" 


THE 


^be  Matfle  IFOnuse 

Waffles  and  Other  Good  Things  to  Eat 

MRS.  L.  M.  STEBBINS 

Middle  St.  Tel.  415-W  Hadley,  Mass. 


IJelrnmfB  ^nurj|Iatroitagr 

iiaij  Irrakfast 

i'atmiiaH  Utay  B,  7.30  a.  m.-r.30  p.  m. 

Hraprur  gnur  tabUs  «nm 

SiuMttij-fiuc  guesta  ran   \st   atrnmmnliatril 
iuriitg  "Aggit"  rommrnrsmfitt 


I   DIDN'T  THINK   IT   OF   HER 

Mother — Gladys  you  stood  on  the 
porch  quite  a  while  with  that  young 
man  last  night. 

Gladys — Why,  mother,  I  only 
stood  there  for  a  second. 

Mother — But  I'm  sure  I  heard  the 
third  and  fourth. 

— Panther. 


Lit.   Man   (at  the  ball) — Are  you 
familiar  with  .lohn  Masefield.'' 

She — ^What    do    you    mean?     I'm 
never  familiar  with  anyone. 

Yale  Record. 


John — Did  you  ever  try  to  stand 


on  an  egg? 


H.    W.— Oh,  yes. 
John — And  what  did  you  learn? 
H.  W. — That  the  inside  of  the  egg 
was  stronger  than  the  outside. 

E.vchange. 

Ike — Buck  up,  old  fellow.     Brave 
men  fear  neither  God  nor  man. 

Bloom — Ah,    that's    it.      It's    my 
wife. 

— Siren. 


YOUR  EYES 

Examined  by  the  most 
approved  Methods 


Your  glasses  designed 
for  the  most  becom- 
ing effect 


OSCAR  L.  McCULLOCK 

Optometrist    Optician 

54  Suffolk  St.,  Holyoke,  Mass. 


Order  Cooking 


Specials 


The  Elms  Restaurant 


Best  Quality  Food 
Moderate  Prices 

E.  G.  DILL,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET       NORTHAMPTON 


Roses!       Roses! 

The    Montgomery    Co. 

INCORPORATED 

I{,ose  Growers 

HADLEY,     MASS. 

Thousands  of  roses  cut  daily 

Furnished  in  any  quantity 

Sent  anywhere 

Telephones: 

Amherst  196-R.       Northampton  660 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


TIMES    SQUARt 
THE-  CENTEIJ.  QfNtW  YORK 


Stop  at   the  Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD  ST..  NEAR  BROADWAY 


Single  Room,  with  Bath     -     -     -      -     $2.00  to  $3.00  for  one 
Single  Room,  with  Bath  and  Two  Beds,  $4.00  to  $5.00  for  two 


Located  just  off  Times  Square 

HOTEL     WOODSTOCK 

is  within   a   handy  walk    of   everything — ^terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines— theatres  and  clubs,  yet  you  can  have  quiet,  refinement,  and  service  withal. 


European  plan  restaurant 
unexcelled  tor  its    cuisine 


Wrile  for  our  Map  of  New  York 


W.  H.  VALIQUETTE 

Managing  Director 


Service  and  accommodations   unsur- 
passed for  completness  and  efficiency 


A.  E.  SINGLETON 

Asst.  Manager 


ONE   ON   THE   WIFE 

"AVhat's  that  piece  of  cord  tied  around  your 
finger  for?" 

"My  wife  put  it  there  to  remind  me  to  post  a 
letter." 

"And  did  you  post  it?" 

"No,  she  forgot  to  give  it  to  me." 

— Cincinnati  Inquirer. 


Luke — If  the  French  soldiers  wore  Paris  garters 
they  would  never  be  shot. 
Luther — Advance,  friend. 
Luke — No  metal  can  touch  the  skin. 

J  ach-o' Lantern. 


Your   chorus    girl   friend   seems   like   a   bright 
little  thing. 

Yes,  she  exhibits  more  or  less  understanding. 


Pedestrian  (to  youth  under  auto) — AVhat's 
causing  the  trouble? 

Auto  Novice — I  don't  know  exactly,  I  think 
it's  the  exasperator. 

— Lampoon. 
Cleo — How  do  you  pass  exams.? 
Apollinarus — It  can't  be  done  without  a  make- 


up. 


-Brunonian. 


A  Good  Place  to  Eat 


The  Ideal  Lunch 

S.  J.  HALL,  Prop. 


Excellent  Service 


Fine  Cuisine 


40  MAIN  STREET 
NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


Greater  Service  Than  Ever 

Every  day  strains  which  continually  cause  "loose  lenses" 
or  breakage  with  ordinary  glasses  have  no  effect  on  our  Inlaid 
Gold  eyeglasses  and  spectacles. 

Inlaid  Gold  mountings  have  no  screws  through  the 
glass,  are  much  less  noticeable  and  never  loosen. 

Your  Present  Lenses  Can  Be  Used. 

O.  T.   DEWHURST 

Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Glasses 

201  Main  St.  Opposite  City  Hall 

Northampton,  Mass.  Telephone  184-W 


CO-OPERATION  IS  THE  KEYNOTE  OF  SUCCESSFUL  BUSINESS 


Compliments  of 


E.  D.  Marsh  Estate 


STUDENT  FURNITURE 


Bowling  is  the  favorite  Spring 
and  Summer  exercise 


Metcalf  s  Bowling  Alleys 


Alleys  May  be    Reserved  in 
Advance 


Stationery,  Blank  Books  and 
Fountain  Pens 

1918        and       19  19 
COLLEGE  STATIONERY 


A.  G.  Hastings 


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Wednesday 

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Perfectly  appointed  rooms  for 
your  guests 

Attractive  Dining  Room 


Exceptional  Cuisine 
Telephone  8351 


Henry  Adams  Co. 

Cbe  flO,  H.  C. 
3)ru0Oist0     ^ 

Candies  and  Ices 

Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 


THE    CAUSE 

"What  is  the  cause  of  unrest?" 
"The  desire,"  replied  Mr.  Dustin 
Stax,  "of  the  workingman  for  leisure 
and  of  the  leisurely  man  for  some- 
thing to  keep  him  busy." 

■ — Washington  Star. 


FOOLED!     HE    BIT 

"Yes,  I  told  father  that  white 
poker  chip  I  dropped  was  a  pepper- 
mint tablet." 

"Did  he  swallow  it.''" 

— Hobert  Herald. 


UNSYMPATHETIC 

"Sir,  your  daughter  has  promised 
to  become  my  wife." 

"Well,  don't  come  to  me  for  sym- 
pathy; you  might  know  something 
would  happen  to  you,  hanging 
around  here  five  nights  a  week. 

• — Houston  Post. 


"Pa,    a   man's   wife    is    his    better 

half,  isn't  she?" 

"We  are  told  so,  my  son." 
"Then    if    a    man    marries    twice 

there  isn't  anything  left  of  him,  is 

there?" 

— Bo.iton  Transcript. 


iC 


For  the  Land's 
Sake" 


BOWKER 


M.  A.  C. 
Representatives 


DONALD  SHERINYAN,  1916 

5  North  Dormitory, 
Classes  of  1918—1919 


EDGAR  PERRY,  1916 

Alpha  Sigma  Phi  House, 

Classes  of  1916—1917 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


R.  F.  Armstrong  &  Son 

•1  Headquarters  for  the  latest  in 
College  Men's  wear  and  at  reas- 
onable prices.  We  make  a 
specialty  of  Young  Men's . 
Clothes  and  Furnishings  at 
prices  that  are  right. 

Come  and  look  our  lines  over 
80  Main  bt.,      Northampton,  Mass. 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,       Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 

The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

50  Cent  Luncheon  from  1  1 .30  to  2  P.  M. 
Special  Dishes  at  All  Hours 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Bay    State    Dye    House 

Northampton,  15  Masonic  St. 


SCOTTY     HOOPER, 
Amherst  Agent 

You  are  getting  out  your  flannels, 
have  them  cleaned  by  our  process. 
Better  then  the  rest.  We  will  serve 
you  to  your  full  satisfaction.  Give 
us  a  trial. 

Just  bring  your  suit  or  trousers  to 
Scotty,  we  will  do  the  rest. 


Woodward's  Lunch 

27  Main  Street,  Masonic  Block 


LUNCHES— SODA—ICE  CREAM 


Closed  only  from  1  a.  m.  to  4  a. 


F.  W.  WOODWARD,  Prop. 


Kodaks  and  Films  at  Deuel's  Drug  Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &  Tilford,  Maillards 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy   bought  here  which  is  not 

satisfactory  will  be  replaced  or 

money  returned 

VICTOR   MACHINES    AND    RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 


CYNICAL 

Dick — That  old  maid  with  the  red 
auto  has  been  pinched  six  times  for 
speeding. 

Tom — Well,  I  suppose  when  she 
sees  a  motor-cycle  cop  she  can't  re- 
sist the  enjoyment  of  being  chased 
by  a  man. 

Ex-Sire7i. 


She  (college  bred) — You  seem 
worried,  Al.     What's  on  your  chest? 

He  (hoarsely — but  not  from  emo- 
tion)— Can  you  smell  that  damned 
liniment  'way  over  there? 

—  The  Purple  Coic. 

Prawf — You  seem  rather  mixed  in 
your  ideas. 

Frawsh — I  just  swallowed  my 
Spearmint,  and  I'm  all  gummed  up. 
The  Purple  Cow. 

She — Did  j^ou  know  that  ankle 
watches  have  become  all  the  rage? 

He — Yes,  so  I  see. 

She — Oh,  you  horrid  thing!  You 
can  not! 

— Tiger. 


Old  Lady  Customer — Do  you 
guarantee  these  night  gowns? 

Sly   young   clerk — They   can't   be 
worn  out,  madame. 

— Stanford  Chapparal. 

Mother — I  am  surprised  at  you! 
I  heard  him  kiss  you  twice! 

Daughter — Nonsense,   mother  I 
That  must  have  been  the  echo! 

Punch  Bowl. 


Battei-y  A. — I  hear  we  are  going 
to  carry  our  pistols  in  our  belts. 

Battery    B. — Just    my    luck.       I 
wear  suspenders. 

Sun  Dial. 


Transcript   Photo 
Engraving    Company 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


Engravers    of    Merit 

"We  solicit  work  in  College  Publications 
GET  OUR  RATES 


You  will  need  lots  of  note  paper 
yet.  Lay  in  a  stock  now  be- 
fore prices  advance.  We  can 
furnish  you  finest  paper  at  as 
low  rates  as  any  one  and  lower 
than  many. 

Try  Us 

500  Sheets  70  Cents 

Latham  '17  Merrill  '17 


Some  people  live  to  eat,  Others  eat  to  live 


Boyden's  Restaurant 

SERVES  ALL 


Delicious  Dishes  Best  of  Service 

Catering 


Facilities  for  College  Banquets 

196  Main  St.,  Northampton 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


Shoes   that   Look    Well 
and   Fit    Well 

E.  ALBERTS 

241  Main  Street 

opp.  Clarke  Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE  HARDING,  '19,  Agent 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

^he  JeWel 

Store 


Also 
THE   WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Telephone  1307-M 


Compliments  ot 

A.  J.  GALLUP,  INC 

We  sell 

Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx 
Clothes 


293-297  High  St. 


Holyoke,  Mass. 


Our  Food  Has   That  Tasty   Taste 
Which  Reminds   You  of  Hotne 


North  End  Lunch 


On   the  Left    as  You   Enter 
the  Campus 


DOOLEY'S  INN 

HOLYOKE 

The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds 
for  Ye  Aggie  Men 

HfflBSlllB 

MEALS   SERVED    AT   ALL 
HOURS 


STAMPED   ACCEPTANCE 

Clerk  (in  gym  office) — I  love  you, 
Betty. 

Betty  (presenting  Athletic  Asso- 
ciation Book) — Then  '  'accept"  my 
picture. 

Ex-Siren. 


"When  was  the  loose  leaf  system 
first  used?" 

"Eve  used  it  to  keep  track  of  her 
party  gowns." 

Cornell  TVidoiv. 


'19 — Even    at    that    Adam    had 
something  on  all  his  descendants. 

'91 — Surely  not  in  the  matter  of 
clothes ! 

'19 — Oh,  no;  but  he  never  made  a 
mistake  in  his  youth. 

Tiger. 


IT   WAS  AT  THE  BALL 

Girl  from  the  West — Do  you  know, 
I  find  it  ever  so  much  colder  out  here 
than  it  is  back  home.  There  I  wore 
light  garments  all  winter,  but  since 
coming  here  I  had  to  put  on  heavy 
woolens.  I  am  from  Oregon  you 
know 

Stude  (with  polite  show  of  interest) 
Is  that  so.^     I'm  from  Missouri. 

Punch  Boiol. 


"Why  do  you  object  to  that  new 
dance?" 

"Oh,     it's    just    hugging    set    to 
music." 

"What  don't  you  like  about  it?" 

"Oh,  the  music." 

— Green  Gander 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

U^rmttUQ 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printing— IRuIino—BinMng 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served 

in  the  most  modern 

manner  at  the 

COLONIAL  INN 

At  the  entrance  to  the  campus 


MEN  WHO  ADVERTISE  HAVE  SOMETHING  TO  SHOW 


Learn  Trapshooting 

A  Sport  for  School,  College  and  After  Years 

To  give  lasting  satisfaction,  the  sport  you  go    out  for  in  college,  should  be  one  that  can  be 
pursued  as  a  recreation  in  afier  years — when  your  time  and  opportunity  for  exercise  is  limited. 

Unlike  most  school  and  college  sports,  trapshooting  provides  a  rational,  all-round  development 
and  training,  which  can  be  kept  up  aj'fcr  college  days  are  over 


Write  for  new  booklet  "Trapshooting  At  School  and 
College"  to  which  many  college  men  have  contributed. 
It  contains  a  chapter  "How  to  Organize  and  Conduct 
A  College  Trapshooting  Club."     For  your  copy  address 


E.  I.  DU  PONT  DE  NEMOURS  &  COMPANY 

WILMINGTON,  DELAWARE  ESTABLISHED  1802 


9gi9Jm   MARBLE  HALL  HOTEL 

"When  in  Holyoke,  Mass." 

HOME  COOKING  AT  MODERATE  PRICES 

GRILL  ON  FIRST  FLOOR  DINING  ROOM— SECOND  FLOOR 


E.  M.  Curran,  Prop. 


Subscribe    for    the    Squib.     It    is    Cheaper. 

The  Boaird  feels  that  The  Squib,  to  accomplish  its  object,  needs  more  readers,  in 
college  and  off  the  campus.  Have  a  copj-  of  the  Squib  sent  to  THE  GIRL,  and  have 
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COLLAR  In  TVo  Heights 
Ashby  --  ^%,  rn.  Lexicoii-2^4  rn- 


•I^NORTHAMPTON^ 


Plymouth   Inn 


^MASSACHUSETTS  :^ 


A     High-Class     Hotel 
desirably     located      for 

College  patronage 

American  and  European  Plans 


Especially  suited  to  the 

requirements   of  tourists  on 

account    of  its    pleasant    location 

Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


RAYSEUS 


The  College  Man's  Shop 


179  Main  St. 


It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS  have  just  the 
correct  thing  in  young  men's  wear. 


Northampton 


e^     Clothes,    Furnishings,     ^ 
e^     Shoes,     Hats  ^ 


Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 


Boosting  J^ggie 

Seniors 


The  Squib  announces  the  securing  af  an  advertising  contract  that  will  permit  its  publi- 
cation in  better  form  than  ever. 

You  will  want  every  copy 

You  may  not  be  able  to  enjoy  Old  Aggie  next  year  at  first  hand,  but  at  least  insure  enjoy- 
ing it  the  next  best  way,  thru  the  columns  of  the  SQUIB,  with  the  news  of  the  college  in  humor- 
ous form  supplemented  with  picturesque  cartoons. 

You  will  enjoy  every  copy 

The  Squib  wants  you  as  much  as  you  want  it.  That  we  may  get  together  easier,  the  sub- 
scription is  to  be  kept  at  $1.00  till  commencement.  Yes,  it  will  cost  you  a  dollar,  but  balance  that 
against 

Nine  lively  issues  bubbling  over  with  fun  of  Aggie. 

It  will  be  brought  directly  to  your  door  be  it  Boston,  Mexico,  or  the  Verdun  Front.  Any 
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DRAPER    HOTEL 

NORTHAMPTON,     MASS. 

WE  SOLICIT  THE  M.  A.  C.  PATRONAGE 

First     Class     Banquet     Facilities 

WM.  M.  KIMBALL,  Prop. 


KOLLEGE  KANDY  KITCHEN 

Delicious  Home  Made  Ice  Cream  Made  Only  From  Pure  Cream 

WHEN  AT  AGGIE  GET  YOUR  ICE  CREAM  AT 
When  "Up  Town"  Call  At  Our  Store  AGGIE   INN  Opposite  Town  Hall 

Caterers  for  Cabaret 


moB 


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School  and  College 


**    Ipybotograpbers    ** 


Main  Studios:    1546-48    BROADWAY 
New   York  City 


AFTER   THE    WOMEN'S   TRACK   MEET 

Her — A^ou  ought  to  have  seen  Mabel  run  the 
quai'ter  mile. 

It— What  did  she  do  it  in? 

Her — I   don't   know   what   j'ou   call   the   darn 

things. 

— Stanford  Chap-paral 


A  few  days  ago  a  young  man  took  his  best  girl 
a  bouquet  of  flowers.  The  young  woman  was  so 
pleased  she  threw  her  arms  about  his  neck  and 
kissed  him.     He  arose  and  started  to  go. 

"I'm  soi-ry  I  offended  you,"  she  said. 

"Oh,  I  am  not  offended,"  he  replied,  "I  was 
just  going  back  after  more  flowers.' 

— Awagan. 


Wm.  G.  Bassett,  Pres. 


F.  N.  Kneeland,  Vice-Pres. 


Oliver  B.  Bradley,  Cashier. 


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275  HIGH  ST.,  HOLYOKE    . 


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For  Every  Day  Wear 
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reasonable  prices  make  it  well  worth 
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f^alQokp 


^ancinq 


Supper  Dances  every  Wednesday  Evening  from 
8:30  to  1 1 :30  in  the  Ball  Room. 

Tea  Dances  Saturday  Afternoons  from  3:30   to 
6  P.M. 

SUNDAY  TABLE  D'HOTE  DINNER  $1.25 

Served  from  6:30  to  8:30  (with  music) 

GORHAM   BENEDICT,  Manager 


Caps  and  Gowns 

Makers  to 

Massachusetts  Agricultural,  Amherst,  Brown,  Yale 
and  many  ottiers 

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^^^eS^il^S^-r^' 


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THE   MAN   WITH  GOOD   DOPE 


THE  Kaiser's  submarines  are  hunting 
For  ships  on  the  deep  blue  sea. 
How  long  they'll  hunt  through  the  depths 

Is   one  great  puzzle  to  me 
But  is  it  not  true  that  which  I  write 

That  Wilson  is  the  man  with  the  dope, 
For  Uncle  Sam  will  never  have  to  fight 
As  long  as  he  sends  Germany  a  note. 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 


Editor-in-Chief 

F.  C.  LARSON  '17 

Associate  Editor 

L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 

Assistants 

H.  M.  WARREN  '17 

L.  C.  HIGGINS  '18 

I.  W.  INGALS  '18 

H.  B.  PEIRSON  '19 


C, 

H 
F. 


Art  Editor 

H.  HALLET  '17 

Associates 
A.  PRATT  '17 
K.  BAKER  '18 


Business  Manager 
A.  E.  LINDOUIST  '16 

Circulating  Manager 
D.  M.  LIPSHIRES  '18 

Assistants 

A.  BOOTH  '17 

A.  J.  WING  '19 


S1.25 

A  YEAR 

"QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE" 

15 

CENTS  A 

COPY 

All  contributions  should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor-in-Chief, 
in  the  annual  elections  to  the  board.      Business  communications  sho 
Business  Manager. 

They  will  be  give 
uld  be    addressed 

n  credit 
to    the 

Entered  as  Second  Class  Mail  at  A  mherst. 

Vol. 

II. 

MAY,    1916 

No.  9 

^'  -^  QUIBBY,"  the  other  day,  felt 

a  slackening  of  the  pulse,  a 
thickening  of  the  brain,  and 
a  sensation  of  general  lethargy 
throughout,  which  drove  him 
to  a  downy  bed  of  leaves  be- 
neath a  spreading  tree  away 
off  where  no  mere  man  could 
interfere  with  his  retrospec- 
tion, as  he  gazed  off  into  the 
hazy  distance  where  golden 
sunbeams  chased  minute 
darts  of  the  insect  world 
among  the  awakening  flowers 
and  blossoms  nestling  in  the 
ample  bosom  of  Mother  Na- 
ture. And  as  Squihby  considered  and  dreamed,  and  wondered  what  this  strange  malady  could  be 
that  numbed  his  sensibilities  and  deadened  his  muscles,  and  sent  his  mind  wandering  among  the 
fields  and  woods,  communing  with  the  birds  and  flowers,  a  hazy  recollection  of  some  mysterious 
phrase  with  a  sound  like  "spring  fever",  came  to  his  mind.  And  then  he  returned  to  the  world  of 
men  and  "Willie"  Green,  and  repaired  to  the  latter's  Library,  where  after  diligent  research,  he  suc- 
ceeded in  finding  among  the  medical  authorities,  the  following:  "Diminished  excitability  of  the  sensory 


-THE    SQUIB 


apparatus  so  that  slight  stimuli  either  pass  unperceived  or  are  felt  indistinctly,  while  powerful 
stimuli  are  felt  only  feebly,  or  in  high  degrees  of  the  affection,  are  not  perceived  at  all.  This  is  the 
condition  termed  anaesthesia,  in  which  we  must  admit  great  or  even  complete  immobility  of  the 
molecules  of  the  sensory  apparatus."  Then  Squibby  said  to  himself:  "Let  us  not  call  such  a  noble 
disease  by  such  a  mere  name  as  'Spring  Fever,'  but  let  us  call  it  something  more  impressive  and 
learned."  And  so  he  christened  it  "anaesthesia,"  and  in  order  to  give  his  great  discovery  to  the 
Campus,  he  decided  to  publish  his  findings  in  the  ANAESTHETIC  NUMBER. 

Inasmuch  as  Squibby  is  using  the  term  "anaesthetic"  as  the  title  of  this  number,  it  might  be 
well  in  passing  to  pay  some  little  attention  to  the  history  of  the  matter  in  question  and  to  pay  our 
small  tribute  to  the  men  who  made  possible  the  use  of  anaesthetics  in  the  world  of  medical  science. 
Perhaps  the  gentle  reader  cannot  conceive  of  our  being  serious,  and  so,  just  to  disabuse  you  of  that 
idea,  we  cite  the  following:  One  of  the  earliest  records  of  the  use  of  an  anaesthetic  was  when  Sir 
Humphrey  Davy  in  1800  experimented  upon  himself  with  nitrous  oxide.  But  it  was  not  until  1844 
that  general  use  was  made  of  the  wonderful  discovery  of  sulphuric  ether,  when  William  Thomas 
Green  Morton  and  Dr.  Charles  T.  Jackson  used  it  in  dental  operations.  Oliver  Wendell  Holmes 
suggested  the  terms  "anaesthesia"  and  "anaesthetic,"  and  it  was  Weir  Mitchell  who  called  it  the 
"Death  of  Pain."  The  latter  is  the  key-note  of  the  situation,  the  culmination  of  the  efforts  of  the  word- 
constructionists,  because  it  expresses  in  a  word  what  ether  means  to  medicine.  Of  all  discoveries 
of  science,  that  which  gave  anaesthetics  to  the  world  was  the  greatest  boon  to  mankind,  the  key 
that  opened  up  the  locked  door  of  the  operating  room  to  the  word  "humane."  Whatever  our  race, 
color,  or  previous  condition  of  servitude,  we  can  not  but  help  to  admit  our  admiration  for  those  men 
who  did  so  much  for  the  afflicted,  who  soothed  the  pains  of  the  diseased,  and  barred  the  tortures 
from  the  operating  table  for  all  time  to  come. 

But  we  have  wandered  from  our  topic.  We  were  telling  our  readers  of  the  delights  of  Spring 
Fever,  that  natural  anaesthesia  which  makes  us  forget  our  boring  lessons  and  duties  attendant  on 
the  curriculum,  and  sends  our  minds  and  bodies  floating  away  on  the  billows  of  ease — if  you  can  imagine 
it — until  those  among  us  who  are  so  unfortunate  as  to  be  sophomores,  awake  with  a  start  at  the  sight 
of  a  rare  specimen  of  Nature's  handiwork  and  bestir  themselves  sufficiently  to  pounce  upon  a  con- 
tribution to  that  slowest-growing  of  all  human  efforts — the  herbarium.  We  would  like  to  call  your 
attention  to  a  manifestation  of  anaesthesia  which  is  anything  but  profitable  to  the  good  appearance 
of  the  Campus — namely  the  strewing  of  trash  in  the  grass  all  along  the  edge  of  the  walk  from  the  ravine, 
past  the  Chapel  to  the  stone  bridge.  This  is  a  disgraceful  sign  of  sheer  laziness  and  thoughtlessness 
on  our  part  and  one  which  is  easily  remedied.  Just  take  the  thought  and  time,  at  the  next  oppor- 
tunity, to  carry  that  orange  peel  or  newspaper  to  the  receptacles  provided  for  receiving  tr^sh. 


N  connection  with  the  recommendations  of  the  Committee  on  Ways  and  Means 
to  whom  was  referred  the  Bill  to  provide  for  permanent  improvements  at  our 
college  Squibby  notes  with  interest  one  point  in  particular,  namely  the  investiga- 
tion of  the  entrance  examinations.  These  are  considered  by  the  above  to  be 
too  difficult  for  an  institution  of  this  kind.  As  Squibby  sees  it,  no  regulation  will 
ever  bring  success  to  the  entrance  requirements.  As  long  as  the  things  required 
are  a  certain  number  of  high  school  credits,  the  task  of  getting  into  the  institution 
will  never  be  difficult.  Every  man  with  a  high  school  education  has  an  equal 
opportunity  and  furthermore  an  education  given  a  man  by  the  state  is  an  invest- 
ment by  the  state  in  that  man.  No  business  man  or  cooperation  would  plunge 
into  an  investment  which  showed  little  chance  of  commensurate  returns.  We 
must  realize  that  not  everyone  is  fitted  for  a  course  in  this  college  and  surely  it 
would  be  an  infinite  task  for  the  professors  to  maintain  courses  here  which  would 
suffice  both  for  students  graduating  from  grammar  schools  and  high  schools.  Then  why  should 
this  state  utterly  expend  its  money  in  educating  all  who  apply  for  admission?  Would  it  not  be  better 
for  the  state  to  help  those  children  of  exceptional  ability  but  who  are  financially  handicapped  to  go 
through  college  than  to  assist  children  of  inferior  ability.  In  closing  we  would  say,  rather  make  the 
entrance  examinations  harder  and  pay  more  attention  to  the  financial  status  of  this  college. 


THE    SQUIB 


A  RETARDED   SPARK 


ANAESTHESIA   OF  LAUNDRESSES 

DO  not  think  foe  an  instant  that  this  is  a  dis- 
ease peculiar  to  the  Co-Op  Laundry,  simply 
because  East  Entry  of  North  sends  its  laundry 
every  week  to  that  great  adjuster  of  the  laundry- 
bag.  No,  even  the  husky  Swedes  at  the  corner  of 
East  Pleasant  and  Pleasant  can  withstand  the 
onslaughts  of  that  virulent  contribution  of  North 
to  the  weekly  wash,  to  a  sufficient  extent  to  reduce 
the  same  to  some  semblance  of  cleanliness.  Nor 
do  the  fumes  of  soap — I  beg  your  pardon — bleach- 
ing powder  cause  this  di-eaded  disease,  nor  the 
stifling  atmosphere  of  the  boiling  room.  Rather 
is  it  to  be  found  among  the  home-loving  laun- 
dresses who  bend  their  backs  from  day-end  to 
day-end  over  the  steaming  tub  in  order  to  keep 
filled  the  tobacco  boxes  of  their  loving  lords  and 
masters,  while  these  latter  animals  lean  back  in 
their  shirt-sleeves  and  superintend  the  labors  of 
their  "means-of-visible-support."  In  a  word, 
anaesthesia  of  laundresses,  upon  reference  to  an 
authority,  is  discovered  to  be:  "Numbness,  formi- 
cation and  a  peculiar  stiffness  in  both  hands  and 
forearms,  but  seldom  of  acute  pain." 


THE    COMMONWEALTH   OF 
MASSACHUSETTS 

In  the  Year  One  Thousand  Nine  Hundred   and 
Sixteen 

RESOLVE 

Providing  for  an  Investigation  by  a  Special  Com- 
mission of  Agricultural  Education  at  the  Massa- 
chusetts Agricultural  College  and  the  Develop- 
ment of  the  Agricultural  Resources  of  the 
C  ommonwealth . 

1  Resolved,  That  a  special  commission  is  here- 

2  by  established,  to  be  composed  of  the  com- 

3  mission  on  economy  and  efficiency,  the  com- 

4  missioner  of  education,  and  three  persons  to 

5  be  appointed  by  the  governor,  with  the  advice 
5  and  consent  of  the  council,  for  the  purpose  of 
7  investigating  the  subject  of  agricultural  educa- 
h  tion  as  conducted  at  the  Massachusetts  agri- 
9  cultural  college  and  the  development  of  the 

10  agricultural  resources   of  the  commonwealth. 

11  The  commission  shall  investigate  and  report 

12  as  to  the  advisability  of  further  expenditures 

13  for  new  buildings. 


A  S  is  commonly  believed,  physicians  never 
*»  make  any  effort  to  keep  the  papers  and  mag- 
azines placed  in  their  offices  for  the  entertainment 
of  their  patients  while  waiting,  up-to-date.  As  a 
matter  of  fact,  they  do  to  a  reasonable  extent, 
but  the  village  wag  evidently  thought  he  had 
"pulled"  a  good  one  the  other  day,  when  he  walked 
into  old  Doc  Sawbone's  office,  picked  up  a  news- 
paper, and  exclaimed: 

"My  God!     Lincoln's  been  assassinated!" 


"Schurman,  Head  of  Cornell,  is  out  for  Hughes.' 

Boston  American. 
What's  the  trouble.'     Has  he  a  grudge  against 
him,  or  does  Hughes  owe  him  money? 


# 


Three  examples  of  the  effect  of  anaesthetics: 
1.     Henry  Young. 


2. 
3. 


Henry  Young. 
Henry  Young. 


Man  of  the  House — Why  did  you  tell  my  wife 
what  time  I  came  in  this  morning,  after  I  expressly 
told  you  not  to? 

The  Cook — Sure,  Oi  didn't  tell  her.  '  She  asked 
me  what  toime  ye  got  in  an'  Oi  told  her  Oi  was 
too  busy  gettin'  the  breakfast  that  Oi  didn't  look 
at  the  clock. 


THE    SQUIB 


LATE   TO   CHAPEL? 

WON — What  do  you  call  your  room  mate? 
Too — When    do    you    mean,    when    he    is 
around,  or  when  he  can't  hear  me? 


J-VOPEY— That  girl  Js  made  for  me. 
*-'     Mopey— What  makes  you  think  so? 
Dopey — She  made  herself  a  blond. 


PAUL — Did  you  get  those  cigarettes  that  I  told  vp 
you  to? 
Maul — -No,  the  man  Hassan  any. 
Paul — Then  I  will  have  to  Mecca  cigarette  my- 
self. DATCH— What's  the  trouble  with  you  lately? 
^  '-'     Newlywed — Everyone  is  kidding  me  about 

T,i7A^T    ixr/->T3T'                '  "ly  wlfc  appcanug  iu  tlghts  at  au  amatcur  show 

BEAN    WORK  last  week. 

'^^AC — How  did  you  hit  the  exam?  Batch — That's  nothing  to  be  sore  about. 

*▼*     Jac — The  same  way  I  would  like  to  hit  the  Newleywed — No  not  at  all,  when  they  tell  me 

prof,  that  gave  it,  right  on  the  bean.  I  married  her  for  her  money. 


-THE    SQUIB- 


DECREASED   TWO   WAYS 

I  TOOK  my  jeans  to  the  tailor  man, 
Had  them  creased  up  spick  and  span, 
Worse  luck,  it  started  into  rain, 
Decreasing  my  pants  all  over  again. 


DELERIUM   TREMENS 

OH  see  the  pretty  little  snakes. 
Said  the  stewd  upon  his  knees, 
But  truly  they  were  only  fakes, 
For  he  merely  had  D.  T's. 


CHEMICALLY   SPEAKING 

HE  staggered  in  across  the  door, 
No  further  could  he  go. 
The  reason  was  he  called  for  "more" 
Of  Rahar's  CaHeO. 


I  AM  a  drunk. 
And  I  am  a  souse, 
What  if  I  am  a  bum, 
Penniless,  coatless 
And  use  good  rum; 
I  get  by  with  it. 
It's  bum  dope 
As  you  may  dote. 
But  I  have  to  have 
A  little  booze. 
So  I  may  choose 
A  lamp  post 
For  my  roost. 


OUTFIT  FOR 

1  Wood  shed 
J  Small  boy 


A   WHALING   EXPEDITION 

1  Broad  lap 
1  Slipper. 


TARGET   PRACTICE 

A  BIRD  in  the  hand  is  worth  two  in  the  bush 
Is  a  couplet  that  is  not  always  true, 
For  a  man  with  a  gun  that  he  knows  how  to 
shoot 
May  come  out  of  the  thicket  with  two, 


6 


-THE    SQUIB 


■      JWJr 


POOR   DOPE 

HE'S  working  now  to  beat  the  band 
For  in  matrimony  he's  had  his  hand, 
He  certainly  must  have  been  a  "mope," 
For  goodness  knows  that's  very  poor  dope. 

He  told  us  all,  he'd  own  a  fliver 
But  look  at  him,  see  how  he  shivers. 
Instead  of  a  fliver  after  his  marriage 
He  has  inherited  grandma's  baby  carriage. 


MISS     SAUSAGES'     COLUMN   FOR    THE 
IGNORANT 

Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

I  am  in  trouble.  I  am  going  with  a  girl  who  is 
continually  "kidding  the  shirt  off  my  back." 
What  shall  I  do?  She  is  one  of  those  kind  who 
would  take  the  gold  right  out  of  your  back  teeth 
if  you  were  laughing  at  her. 
'"i..  Sincerely, 

Distressed. 
Dear  Distressed: 

The  Haberdasher  is  certainly  making  money  on 
you.  You  should  endeavor  to  find  some  other 
means  of  clothing  yourself.  I  would  suggest  a 
bearskin. 

Dear  Sage: 

I  am  keeping  company  with  two  college  stu- 
dents, one  from  Aggie,  the  other  from  Amherst 
College.  Which  one  shall  I  consider,  as  I  like 
them  both. 

Smittingly  yours. 

Lovesick. 


Lovesick  dear: 

Accept  neither,  you  had  better  write  to  Nat 
Goodwin.  If  this  is  not  satisfactory  to  you  I 
would  advise  you  to  draw  straws. 

Sau  Sage  dear: 

I  haven't  enough  money  to  go  the  to  hop. 
Please  tell  me  what  to  do. 

Brokenly  yours, 

Busted. 

Dear  Busted: 

Don't  go.  Better  go  to  the  Herrick  School 
Dance,  admission  10  cents. 

Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

I  have  a  pet  snake  who  recently  sprained  his 
ankle.     How  can  I  help  him  from  suffering.'' 

Yours  truly, 

Snake  Charmer. 

Dear  Snake  Charmer: 

I  know  no  cure  but  quick  death  will  be  in  his 
favor. 


PREPAREDNESS?     READ   THIS! 

A  NERVOUS  lady  was  watching  the  drill  one 
*^  day.  The  Captain  said  "Company  right 
dress.  (She  heard  it.  "Company,  white  dress.") 
The  soldiers  looked  stupidly  away.  Then  he 
commanded  "Company  front."  Then  they  faced 
front  and  saw  her.  She  smiled  and  bowed  her 
appreciation  of  the  attention  they  exhibited  to 
her,  "those  nice  boys,"  she  thought.  But  we 
squad  righted,  heaved  a  few  sighs,  and  floated 
over  to  Sunderland. 


JUST   LIKE   NATURE  -1 

IJE — Why  do  women  wear  low  neck  dresses  in 
*■  *  the  winter  time,  and  furs  in  the  summer 
time? 

She — Are  not  the  limbs  of  trees  clothed  in  the 
summer  time  and  naked  in  winter? 

FROSH — That  professor  is  very  approachable. 
Soph — I  know  it,  but  you  can't  touch  his 
courses. 


■THE    SQUIB- 


BUM   DOPE 

SODA  is  soda,  and  beer  is  beer, 
And  dope  is  dope  we'll  agree. 
But  physics,  zoology  and  agronomy  dear 
Are  not  dope  but  the  dirty  three. 


DOPE 

DOPE  is  the  stuff  that  makes  college  life  what 
it  is.  Where  would  we  be  if  we  didn't  have 
dope  on  exams,  dope  on  football  games  and  dope 
on  the  weather?  Some  dope  is  good,  some  bum. 
It  was  the  latter  kind  that  the  Sophs  had  on  the 
Freshman  banquet.  Dope  is  sometimes  found  in 
the  form  of  Peruna,  in  that  case  (six  bottles)  you 
have  to  dope  out  where  the  dope  is.  Dope  is 
also  used  sometimes  in  horse  liniment,  causing  the 
blind  staggers.  Dope  as  handed  out  by  profs  at 
lectures  has  the  same  effect  on  the  class  that  any 
other  form  of  dope  would  have,  namely  sleep. 
Dope  wrecks  the  lives  of  more  people  in  one  year 
than  the  blank  cartridges  in  drill  do  in  three. 
Conclusion:  Dope  and  drill  are  good  things  to  have 
nothing  to  do  with. 


SIX   HOURS   A   WEEK 

PERSISTENT— This    botany    Lab    stuff   isn't 
very  interesting. 
Assistant — Never  mind,  you  will  get  a  lichen 
for  it  sooner  or  later. 


PUBLIC   SPEAKING 

GIVE  me  three  hours  of  public  speaking 
Just  three  hours  of  it 
It  will  make  me  a  Mexican  Athlete 
Who  throws  the  bull  a-bit. 

They  say  my  mind  is  full  of  soap 

About  the  war  and  all  its  dope 
But  give  me  three  hours  of  public  speaking 

It's  just  what  I  am  seeking. 
I'll  flunk  Math,  English  and  Chem, 

I  don't  care  for  them 
But  three  hours  of  public  speaking 

Will  help  me  in .* 

*Fill  in  the  correct  word  and  win  the  Aluminum 
lawn  mower. 

NOTICE 

DOB — You  must  be  thinking  of  yourself'. 
Sob — How  do  you  figure  that? 
Dod — Because    you    have    such    a    "Nobody 
Home"  expression. 


THE  RANK  AND   VILE 


8 


-THE    SQUIB- 


SOME   MORE    GOOD   DOPE 

AT  the  beaches  in  the  summer  time 
Where  the  maidens  bloom  so  fine, 
They  dress  in  filmy,  silky  clothes, 
Which  makes  "poor  man"  there  only  foes. 
And  about  them  men  say  foolish  things 
When  the  filmy  clothes  to  the  maiden  clings. 
Is  it  not  good  dope,  then,  to  take  a  walk 
Along  the  beach  and  hear  the  girls  talk, 
As  they  prance  around  in  the  sand 
Doing  their  best  to  get  a  tan  (man). 


A   BOTTLE   FANTASY 

TPHERE  was  a  jolly  sailor  and  he  sailed  the 
*       Imaging  sea, 

In  search  of  wild  adventures  of  a  kind  that  ne'er 
could  be 

Except  in  picture  story  books  of  great  imagination 

That  he'd  swallowed  as  a  callow  youth  with  mor- 
bid fascination. 

And  after  many  weary  years  of  sailing  on  the 
brine. 

He  sought  again  his  native  town,  where  grazed  the 
lowing  kine, 

And  he  swaggered  down  the  village  street,  his  face 
a  rusty  brown. 

And  thirsty  for  refreshment,  in  a  tavern  sat  him 
down. 

But  with  his  lively  spirits  he  refreshed  himself  so 
much, 

That  when  he  got  him  up  to  go,  his  boot  soles 
would  not  touch 

The  stones  he  tried  to  walk  on,  so  he  let  them  walk 
at  will. 

And  he  tangoed  down  the  village  street  with  all 
consummate  skill. 

But  when  he  came  beside  the  pond  he  swore  the 
waves  were  high. 

So  he  climbed  a  slender  birch  tree  to  keep  him 
high  and  dry. 

But  the  tree  bent  near  the  water,  and  he  bellowed 
full  and  loud, 

"The  ship  is  lost!  All  hands  to  mess!  You  lub- 
bers loose  that  shroud 

Alas!  The  fragile  mast  snapped  off;  he  tumbled 
in  the  pond, 

A  kindly  sheriff'  fished  him  out — the  picture  of 
despond ! 

And  as  he  guided  him  to  jail,  he  heard  the  tar  ex- 
plain, 

"There's  more  storms  in  a  bottle  than  in  all  the 


raging  mam! 


H.  Henderson  '17. 


PEACE   AT   ANY   COST 

JANE — At  the  peace   meeting  last  night  they 
sang  one  of  the  Allies'  National  Hymns  and 
the  audience  didn't  seem  to  like  it." 

Alice — I  suppose  that  is  on  account  of  the  war. 
Jane — No,   I  think  it  was  on  account  of  the 
piece. 


'Honest  Cop'  of  New  York  is  dead. 

Boston  American. 
Probably  due  to  lonesomeness. 


1  HEAR  you  had  a  quiet  time  in  the  country." 
*■  "Yes,  all  the  noise  I  heard  was  the  tree  bark, 
the  ice  cream,  and  the  lawn  mown." 


THE    SQUIB- 


M 

deal. 


ANY    a   Sophomore   will   shuffle   the 
cards,    cut,    bid,    and    then    holler 


major 
"Raw 


M 


By  L.  J.  Graham 
ARY — Did  he  propose? 

Ella — Yes,  the  same  old  style. 
M — How  is  that? 
E. — By  the  Kneeostyle  (or  neostyle). 


JUSSHH   ONE    MORE 
¥    IVES  there  a  souse  with  nose  so  red, 
*^     Who  never  to  himself  hath  said, 
"This  is  my  last,  my  final  beer, 
Bartender,  take  this  nickel  here." 


SHERIFF,    CALL 


OUT    THE 
LARY 


CONSTABU- 


'  I  'HE  village  mezzo-soprano  got  up  to  sing.  In 
^  fact  she  was  got  up  to  sing — with  the  bosom 
bouquet,  and  the  air  of  higher  altitude  than  thou. 
She  performed — a  solo.  It  was  not  low  enough 
however  and  the  audience  heard  it.  She  ceased, 
only  because  the  selection  did.  Then  came  the 
encore.  (It  should  have  been  the  relief  coi-ps). 
She  deceased  (she  did  not  die,  no  such  luck),  this 
time  a  sad  song  was  wailed.  It  was  one  of  those 
long  time  notes,  on  which  the  interest  may  be  lost. 
She  lost  it,  spluttered,  missed  fire  and  sang  several 
G-clefts,  then  a  regular  futurist  song  picture  of 
sharps  and  flats.  Even  the  player-piano  skidded, 
the  hollow  silence.  Her  maiden  aunt  in  the  first 
row,  led  the  inevitable  thunder  of  applause,  a 
precocious  neighbor  lad  overreached  a  bundle  of 
roses  across  the  footlights,  she  seized,  bent  pro- 
fusely forward  and  retired,  let  us  hope  for  life. 

Moral:  A  casket  bouquet  often  covers  or  fills  a 
grave  situation. 


I    WAS   SAVING   THEM,   THO 

130UGHT  a  pack  of  cigarettes, 
*-'     Had  a  surplus  dime, 
Passed  'em  round  among  my  friends. 
Do  it  every  time. 


Ten  were  in  there  when  it  came, 
Bill  took  one  and  Pete  the  same, 

Donald  lit  his  with  dispatch. 
Pinky  even  asked  a  match. 


Harold  curled  up  rings  of  blue, 

Clarence  said  "Come  don't  be  tight, 

Percy  thot  he'd  use  one  too. 
Whistle  burned  it  with  delight. 

Chorus 

Dwindle,  dwindle  little  pack 
Will  I  ever  get  you  back,  ??? 

With  a  smokestick  left  inside. 

For  my  tongue,  so  hot  and  dried????? 


Eight  were  gone  and  two  remained, 
Jacky  reached  and  puffed  in  joy. 

To  take  the  Last  one  none  disdained, 
Sam  received  with  "At  a  boy." 


So  the  whole  blame  ten  went  out, 

On  the  steps  we  chanced  to  group  on, 

But  a  fellow  has  to  shout 

Then,  besides,  he  has  the  coupon. 


10 


-THE    SQUIB- 


SH— SH— SH— SH 

Banquet  Season  Dope 

I  MET  a 
Sophomore  on  the  way 
To  Hamp  and  he 
And  I  got  separated 
It 

Was 
This 
Way 

You  see  He  said 
Come  here  and 
Says  I  the 
H —  you  say 
He  looked  at  me 
I  looked 
At  him 

We  started  to  run 
I  after 
Him 

He  after  me 
You  ought  to  have 
Seen  us 

We  both  met  in  a 
Collision  in  front  of 
A  Girl 

Oh  she  was  a  pearl 
You  see  she  had 
To  stop 

For  in  the  excitement 
She  dropped 
Her  pocket  book 
And  I  stooped  over 
To  pick  it  up 

And  you  ought  to  have  seen 
Her  eyes,  my  what  a  dream 
The  Sophomore  then 
Hit  me  on  the  bean 
For  he  called  time 
As  I  did  lean  to 
Pick  up  the  girl's 
Packet  book. 


SEEMALL — That    sure    was    some    burlesque 
show. 
Never missem — Yes,  the  scenery  was  very  en- 
ticing. 

A  HARD   COAL   WORLD 

CUSTOMER — This  coal  I  got  here  was  entirely 
too  hard. 
Coal  Dealer— Well,  why  didn't  you  bituminous? 


STUDE — Yes,  ours  is  a  ver^  old  family.     You 
know  we  came  over  with  the  Puritans. 
2nd  Stude — So,  and  did  you  have  a  pleasant 
voyage.'' 


RATHER  DOPEY 

HE — Perhaps  you  don'^t  understand  the  expres- 
sion to  "dope  out"  something. 
She — I  didn't  at  first  but  I  finally  doped  it  out. 

ODD   TIRES 

Isn'^t  it  queer  that  after  retiring  I  generally  feel 
tired. 


11 


-THE    SQUIB- 


SMOKED   OUT 

MOTHER — Why  Johnny,  I  saw  you  smoking 
after  dinner. 
Johnny    (penitent) — Yes,    ma,    and   I   saw   my 
dinner  after  smoking. 


AT   THE   BASEBALL   GAME 

HE — There  is  our  coach  and  team  over  there. 
She — 0  but  Jack,  isn't  it  more  up-to-date 
to  have  automobiles  now? 


STRAIGHT  DOPE  FOR  MOONSTRUCK 
PEOPLE 

By  One  Who  Knows 

OF  course  I  don't  suppose  you  have  ever  taken 
a  young  lady  for  a  walk  on  a  moonlight  eve- 
ning. No.°  Well,  maybe  you  prefer  an  evening 
without  a  moon,  and  you  are  not  to  be  blamed  for 
that  if  you  can  find  your  way  home  without  it. 
Be  that  as  it  may,  you  have  probably  heard  or 
participated  in  a  conversation  similar  to  the  fol- 
lowing: (I  am  going  to  tell  you  what  She  will  say 
and  what  you  OUGHT  to  say  and  do.) 

Her  first  remark  Mill  very  probably  be  some- 
thing like,  "Isn't  the  moonlight  beautiful 
tonight?"  You  are  supposed  to  look  very 
attentively  at  her  and  observe,  "Yes,  it  is  when 
it  shines  upon  your  face."  This  may  produce  a 
little  giggle  from  her  but  requires  no  answer. 

You  walk  a  little  way  and  she  stops  and  says, 
"I  guess  I  have  a  pebble  in  my  shoe."  This  may 
mean  that  she  wants  you  to  take  her  shoe  off  and 
shake  the  offending  pebble  out  and  put  it  on 
again,  or  it  may  mean  that  she  wants  you  to 
turn  your  back  while  she  does  the  trick  herself. 
Use  your  head  and  think  cjuick.  I  can't  advise 
any  true  and  tried  course  of  action  in  this  case. 
I  have  tried  both  and  got  in  wrong  both  times. 

You  walk  some  more  and  pretty  soon  she  will 
feel  fatigued.  You  see  a  likely  looking  fence 
right  ahead  and  propose  you  rest  awhile.  I 
didn't  say  .she  saw  the  fence  before  you  did,  but 
she  may  have,  you  know.  You  assist  her  to  a 
seat  on  the  top  rail  and  she  will  say,  "My,  but 
this  fence  is  wobbly,  isn't  it?  I'm  afraid  it  is 
going  to  fall."  Of  course  you  are  sure  it  wont 
and  you  must  tell  her  so,  then  move  up  a  bit 
closer  and  put  you  arm  around  her  to  keep  her 
from  falling  off.  After  a  while  she  will  tell  you 
that  the  moon  is  shining  right  in  her  eyes  and  it 


HAV 


annoys  her,  so  she  moves  her  head  toward  you 
a  bit.  This  means  that  you  should  adjust  your- 
self so  that  she  may  rest  her  head  upon  your 
manly  shoulder  and  then  you  can  shield  her  from 
the  offending  moonbeams  by  shadowing  her  face 
with  your  own  head. 

When  she  finds  the  top  rail  is  getting  hard 
she  will  suggest  going  home.  You  help  her  to 
the  ground  and  when  she  starts  walking  she  will 
complain  that  she  has  been  sitting  so  long  than 
one  foot  is  asleep  and  will  start  limping.  This 
means  that  you  must  put  your  arm  around  her 
again  to  support  her  until  you  reach  her  home. 

Here  my  advice  ceases  abruptly,  for  if  you 
don't  know  how  to  say  "Good-night"  yourself  by 
this  time — well,  you  can  just  do  without,  that's 
all.  I 

This  is  all  straight  dope.     Try  it.  , 


PEBBLES 
POPULARITY  is  a  nightwatchman  going  the 
rounds  of  applause. 


^ARIETY  is  the  spice  of  life,  but  insobriety 
the  shortening. 


12 


ON   THE   BLEACHERS 

^AN — Isn't  it  lunny  that  the  ball  rolls  until  it 
stops. 


HINKEY — Why  do  you  always  sit  so  close  to 
your  girl? 
Blinkey — Well,  we  always  have  a  chair  between 
us. 


THE    LAST    RIDE    TOGETHER    OR    GAS 
THE   PRECIOUS   OINTMENT 

CURSES,"  I  muttered,  "trun  me  down. 
But  we  must  both  ride  back  to  town, 
Into  the  Ford  then  we  both  squeezed, 
And  down  the  country  road  we  breezed. 

On  we  rode,  I  cared  not  where. 

The  tires  were  good,  and  SHE  was  there, 
But  little  I  recked  of  careful  steering, 

From  side  to  side  the  car  was  veering. 

In  the  road  there  stood  a  cow. 

Then — I  don't  remember  how, 
I  was  lying  on  the  bank. 

With  my  dazed  head  thru  the  crank. 

The  girl  was  gone  and  deep  despair 
Came  near  pervading  me  right  there. 

As  I  surveyed  the  ruined  car. 
And  lit  a  poor  five  cent  cigar. 

But  then  I  lolled  about  the  green, 
And  r'ghteous  joy  was  in  me  poured. 

I'd  saved  a  tank  of  GASOLINE, 
Enough  to  buy  another  Ford!! 


COMING 

NEXT 


SENIOR 
NUMBER 


13 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's  Boot  Shop 

211    MAIN    STREET 
The  Spring  Styles  are  here 

Northampton,    -    Mass. 


Phelps  &  Gare 


112  Main  Street 
Northampton,  Mass. 

"Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to 
look  over  our  stock  at  any  time. 


Have   You   Seen   Our 

Outing  Suits  and  Sport  coats 

Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  models 

Sanderson  and 
Thompson     ii 


Croysdale  Inn 
and  Tea  Rooms 

SOUTH  HADLEY,  MASS. 

Welcomes  Your  Patronage 

Meals  and  Rooms  for  25 
"  Aggie  "  Commencement 
Guests. 

Tel.   Holyoke  2628-W 


YOUR  EYES 

Examined  by  the  most 
approved  Methods 


Your  glasses  designed 
for  the  most  becom- 
ing effect 


OSCAR  L.  McCULLOCK 

Optometrist    Optician 

54  Suffolk  St.,  Holyoke,  Mass. 


Order  Cooking 


Specials 


It  s  important  this  season  more  than 

ever  to  buy  your  suit  where  the  store 

guarantees  satisfaction,  or  return  of 

your  money. 

We  as  usual,  protect  our  customers. 

Suits  from  $15.  to  $30. 

We    have     selected    our    goods    for 

spring  with  unusual  care. 

White  Flannel  Trousers  $4.,  $5.  and 
$6.50 

MERRITT  CLARK  &  CO. 

144  Main  St.  NORTHAMPTON 


BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candies  & 
Ice  Cream 

247-249  Main  Street 
Northampton 


BY   FITS   AND    STARTS 

First  Encina — What  the  devil's 
the  matter  with  you?  You  read  a 
minute,  stop  a  minute,  and  then  go 
on  reading  again." 

Second  Encina — Why,  the  prof, 
told  us  to  go  over  it  in  odd  moments. 
— Chapparal. 

Minister  (to  sick  student) — I  take 
a  friendly  interest  in  you,  my  boy, 
because  I  have  two  sons  in  the  uni- 
versity, myself;  one  taking  Engineer- 
ing and  the  other.  Agriculture.  Is 
there  anything  I  can  do? 

Sick  Student — You  might  pray 
for  the  one  taking  Engineering. 

— Minnehaha. 


The  Elms  Restaurant 


TENNYSON  HAD  NOTHING  ON 
HIM 

"They  say  Tennyson  frequently 
worked  a  whole  afternoon  on  a  single 
line,"  said  the  literary  enthusiast. 

"That's  nothing,"  said  the  poor 
clod  seated  beside  him.  "I  know  a 
man  who  has  been  working  the  last 
eight  years  on  a  single  sentence." 


Best  Quality  Food 
Moderate  Prices 

E.  G.  DILL,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET       NORTHAMPTON 


"Ye  Aggie  Inn" 

"Everything  is  so  Tasty" 
Student  Supplies  of  all  kinds  in  our  store 


Ingersol   Watches 
in  Celluloid  Cases  $1.00 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


Stop  at   the  Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD  ST.,  NEAR  BROADWAY 


Single  Room,  with  Bath     -     -     -      -     $2.00  to  $3.00  for  one 
Single  Room,  with  Bath  and  Two  Beds,  $4.00  to  $5.00  for  two 


TIMES    SQUMvL 
THE,  cente:  ofnewnopk 


Located  just  off  Times  Square 

HOTEL     WOODSTOCK 

is  within   a   handy  walk   of   everything — ^terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines^theatres  and  clubs,  yet  you  can  have  quiet,  refinement,  and  service  withal. 


European  plan  restaurant 
unexcelled  tor  its    cuisine 


Write  for  our  Map  of  New  York 


Service  and  accommodations    unsur- 
passed for  completness  and  efficiency 


W.  H.  VALIQUETTE 

Managing  Director 


A.  E.  SINGLETON 

Asst.  Manager 


A   SHORTAGE   SOMEWHERE 

An  advertisement  of  a  popular  spectacular  play 
has  this  to  say  of  two  of  its  attract'ons: 
5600  people, 
4000  costumes. 

— Ladies'  Home  Journal. 


BY  THEIR  NAMES  YOU  MAY  KNOW  THEM 

In  Paris — "Parasites." 

In  Germany^ — "Germs." 

In  Ireland — "Microbes." 

In  Russia — "Skeets." 

In  U.  S.  A.— Simply  "Bugs." 


Pat  and  Mike  were  sent  on  their  first  job  to 
paint  a  house.  Mike  had  just  succeeded  in  pull- 
ing the  scaffolding,  on  which  Pat  was  clinging  for 
dear  life,  up  to  the  second  story.  Pat  cast  one 
horrified  look  at  the  ground  below  and  yelled  at 
the  top  of  his  voice,  "If  you  don't  let  me  down 
quick  I'll  cut  the  rope." 


A  Good  Place  to  Eat 


The  Ideal  Lunch 

S.  J.  HALL,  Prop. 


Excellent  Service 


Fine  Cuisi 


uisme 


40  MAIN  STREET 
NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


Greater  Service  Than  Ever 

Every  day  strains  which  continually  cause  "loose  lenses" 
or  breakage  with  ordinary  glasses  have  no  effect  on  our  Inlaid 
Gold  eyeglasses  and  spectacles. 

Inlaid  Gold  mountings  have  no  screws  through  the 
glass,  are  much  less  noticeable  and  never  loosen. 

Your  Present  Lenses  Can  Be  Used. 

O.  T.  DEWHURST 

Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Glasses 

201  Main  St.  Opposite  City  Hall 

Northampton,  Mass.  Telephone  184-W 


CO-OPERATION  IS  THE  KEYNOTE  OF  SUCCESSFUL  BUSINESS 


Compliments  of 


E.  D.  Marsh  Estate 


STUDENT  FURNITURE 


Bowling  is  the  favorite  Spring 
and  Summer  exercise 


MetcalPs  Bowling  Alleys 


Alleys  May  be    Reserved  in 
Advance 


Stationery,  Blank  Books  and 
Fountain  Pens 

19  18        and       19  19 
COLLEGE  STATIONERY 


A.  G.   Hastings 


Newsdealer  and  Stationer 


GILMORE  THEATRE 


THE  HOME  OF  BURLESQUE 


Four  Days  Every  Week  Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE   DAILY 


all|p  Pr0B;i?rt  2|jiubp 

Perfectly  appointed  rooms  for 
your  guests 

Attractive  Dining  Room 


Ejcceptional  Cuisine 
Telephone  8351 


Henry  Adams  Co, 

Cbe  fiD»  n,  <L. 
DrugGi0t9     jt 

Candies  and  Ices 

Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 


IN      THE        ROLLER-COASTER 

Corpulent  Occupant  of  the  Front 
Seat — Hey,  young  feller,  would  you 
mind  telling  me  something?" 

Y.  F.— Yeah? 

C.  O.  0.  F.  S.— Do  you  play 
chess? 

Y.  F.— Yeah! 

C.  O.  O.  F.  S.— Well,  move  your 
queen. 

— Purple  Cow 

Young  Lady  (with  hopes) — What 
do  you  tliink  is  the  fashionable  color 
for  a  bride? 

Male  Floor  Walker — Tastes  differ, 
but  I  should  prefer  a  white  one! 

— Punch  Botvl. 

INDIRECT   VISION 

"What  color  dress  did  Marie  have 
on  last  night?" 
"I  dunno,  but—" 
"But  what?" 

"If  it  matched  her  stockings — " 
"Yeah?" 
"It  was  dark  blue." 

— Gargoyle. 

Professor's  Wife — I  need  a  new 
hat,  dear. 

Prof.— "All  right  I'll  have  the 
students  buy  some  of  my  test  books. 

— Siren. 


"For  the  Land's 
Sake" 


BOWKER 


M.  A.  C. 

Representatives 


DONALD  SHERINYAN,  1916 

5  North  Dormitory, 
Classes  of  1918—1919 


EDGAR  PERRY,  1916 

Alpha  Sigma  Phi  House, 

Classes  of  1916—1917 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


R.  F.Armstrong  &  Son 


Commencement 

Days  will  soon  be  here.  Let  us  show 
you  our  line  of  suits  ranging  in  price 
from  $12.50  to  $25.00. 

80  Main  bt.,      Northampton,  Mass. 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,       Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 
The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

50  Cent  Luncheon  from  1  1 .30  to  2  P.  M. 
Special  Dishes  at  All  Hours 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Bay    State    Dye    House 

Northampton,  15  Masonic  St. 


SCOTTY     HOOPER, 
Amherst  Agent 

You  are  getting  out  your  flannels, 
have  them  cleaned  by  our  process. 
Better  then  the  rest.  We  will  serve 
you  to  your  full  satisfaction.  Give 
us  a  trial. 

Just  bring  your  suit  or  trousers  to 
Scotty,  we  will  do  the  rest. 


Woodward's  Lunch 

27  Main  Street,  Masonic  Block 


LUNCHES— SODA— ICE  CREAM 


Closed  only  from  I  a.  m.  to  4  a.  m. 


F.  W.  WOODWARD,  Prop. 


Kodaks  and  Films  at  Deuel's  Drug  Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &  Tilford,  Maillards 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy  bought  here  which  is  not 

satisfactory  will  be  replaced  or 

money  returned 

VICTOR   MACHINES    AND    RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 


AN   AMATEUR 

Folly — He  doesn't  know  anything 
about  the  little  niceties  of  paying  at- 
tention to  a  girl. 

Dolly — Why,  I  saw  him  tying  your 
shoestring. 

Polly — Yes;  but  he  tied  it  in  a 
double  knot,  so  it  couldn't  come  un- 
tied again. 

— Judge. 


Job-seeker  (entering  the  office  un- 
announced)— Is  there  an  opening 
here  lor  me? 

Chief  Clerl: — Yes,  sir,  right  behind 
you. 

— Avgwan. 


She — You  know,  as  soon  as  I  saw 
her  come  into  the  room  I  knew  she 
was  trying  to  conceal  something. 

He — You  didn't  see  her  after  she 
took  her  coat  off. 

—Froth. 


He — I  wonder  why  these  girls  wear 
such  short  skirts  now  days? 
She — Oh, — for  two  reasons! 

— Widotv. 


,    "Last  night  Jack  tried  to  put  his 
arm  around  me  three  times." 
"Some  arm." 

— Record. 


Him — Where  will  you  meet  me  to- 
night? 

Her — Half  way. 

— ChapparaJ. 


Transcript   Photo 
Engraving    Company 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


Engravers    of     Merit 

We  solicit  work  in  College  Publications 
GET  OUR  RATES 


You  will  need  lots  of  note  paper 
yet.  Lay  in  a  stock  now  be- 
fore prices  advance.  We  can 
furnish  you  finest  paper  at  as 
low  rates  as  any  one  and  lower 
than  many. 

Try  Us 

500  Sheets  70  Cents 

Latham  '17  Merrill  '17 


Some  people  live  to  eat.  Others  eat  to  live 


Boyden's  Restaurant 

SERVES  ALL 


Delicious  Dishes  Best  of  Service 

Catering 


Facilities  for  College  Banquets 

196  Main  St.,  Northampton 


MEN  WHO-ADYERTISE  HAVE. SOMETHING. TO  SHOW 


Shoes   that   Look    Well 
and    Fit    Well 

E.  ALBERTS 

241  Main  Street 

opp.  Clarke  Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE  HARDING,  '19,  Agent 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

^he  Jewel 

Store 


Also 
THE   WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Telephone  1307-M 


Compliments  ot 

A.  J.  GALLUP,  INC 

We  sell 

Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx 
Clothes 


293-297  High  St. 


Holyoke,  Mass. 


Our  Food  Has   That   Tasty   Taste 
Which  Reminds   You  of  Home 


North  End  Lunch 


On  the  Left    as   You   Enter 
the  Campus 


DOOLEY'S  INN 

HOLYOKE 

□SOS  1^  IjEI  fjfl  ran 

ED  ED  EJ  EH  C3  G3 

The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds 
for  Ye  Aggie  Men 

HHHHHffl 

MEALS  SERVED  AT  ALL 
HOURS 


FAST   ENOUGH 

"How  quickly  does  your  machine 
pick  up?" 

"Oh,    on   Good   nights,    I   have    a 
couple  in  fifteen  minutes." 

— Gargoyle. 

She — Do  you  ever  swear.'' 
He— No. 

She — Do  you  ever  lie? 
He — Damn  it,  you  win! 

— Record. 


He — I  have  a  small  headache  an 

She — Well,    what   do   you    expect 
Out  of  that  head — a  brain  storm. 

— Nebraska  Awgivan. 


MODISTE,    WHAT   DID   HE 

MEAN? 
"Good-bye.     I  hope  I  see  more  t 
you  at  the  hop." 

— Panther. 


He — I    want    to   tell   you    a   joke 
about  mistletoe. 

She — Be  sure  it  isn't  over  my  head. 

— Widow. 


"What  did  you  say  your  age  was?" 
he  remarked,  between  the  dances. 

"Well,  I  didn't  say,"  smartly  re- 
turned the  girl,  "but  I've  just  reached 
twenty-one." 

"Is   that   so?"   he   returned,    con- 
solingly.    "What  detained  you?" 
— Punch  Bowl. 


REAL  CULTURE 

Young  Hopeful — What  does  col- 
lege bred  mean,  Dad? 

Dad  (reading  heir's  school  ex- 
penses)— Merely  a  big  loaf,  Percival. 

— Panther. 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

K^dnttnG 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printing— IRuIing— Binding 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served 

in  the  most  modern 

manner  at  the 

COLONIAL  INN 

At  the  entrance  to  the  campus 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


Learn  Trapshooting 

A  Sport  for  School,  College  and  After  Years 

To  give  lasting  satisfaction,  the  sport  you  go    out  for  in  college,  should  be  one  that  can  be 
pursued  as  a  recreation  in  after  years — when  your  time  and  opportunity  for  exercise  is  limited. 

Unlike  most  school  and  college  sports,  trapshooting  provides  a  rational,  all-round  development 
and  training,  which  can  be  kept  up  after  college  days  are  over 


Write  for  new  booklet  "Trapshooting  At  Scliool  and 
College"  to  which  many  college  men  have  contributed. 
It  contains  a  chapter  "How  to  Organize  and  Conduct 
A  College  Trapshooting  Club."     For  your  copy  address 


E.  I.  DU  PONT  DE  NEMOURS  &  COMPANY 


WILMINGTON,  DELAWARE 


ESTABLISHED  1802 


GO  TO  THE 


MARBLE  HALL  HOTEL 


"When  in  Holyoke,  Mass. 


HOME  COOKING 
GRILL  ON  FIRST  FLOOR 


AT  MODERATE  PRICES 

DINING  ROOM— SECOND  FLOOR 


E.  M.  Curran,  Prop. 


CilllllllllllllllllllMIIIIIIH ■■■■□ 

INCREASE  YOUR  INCOME 

Sell  our  college  banners  to  students.      Generous 
discounts.      Exclusive  agency  offer. 

Arthur  Manufacturing  Co. 

DEPT.  S.  LOWVILLE.  NEW  YORK 


EVERYBODY! 


It  will  cost  you  20%  less  by  subscribing 
now  than  later,  and  it  will  cost  you  25% 
less  than  buying  a  copy  each  month. 
Economize,  get  a  receipt  for  a  year's  sub- 
scription to  the  Squib,  today. 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


The  new  Spring  ARROW^ 

COLLAR  InTVo  Heights 

Ashby  --  9^8  fn.  Lexicon-2^2  fn. 


r-;^-. 


^lJT5  -1916 


^NORTHAMPTON';^ 


Vlt;mouth    Inn 


^MASSACHUSETTS-sS? 


A     High- Class     Hotel 
desirably     located      for 

College  patronage 

American  and  European  Plans 


Especially  suited  to  the 

requirements  of  tourists  on 

account    of  its    pleasant    location 

Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


RAYSEUS 


The  College  Man's  Shop 

179  Main  St.  Northampton 


^     Clothes,    Furnishings,     ^ 
^     Shoes,     Hats  «^ 


It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS   have  just   the 
correct  thing  in  young  men's  wear. 


Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 


GO  TO  THE 


MARBLE  HALL  HOTEL 


"When  in  Holyoke,  Mass." 


HOME  COOKING 
GRILL  ON  FIRST  FLOOR 


AT  MODERATE  PRICES 

DINING  ROOM— SECOND  FLOOR 


E.  M.  Curran,  Prop. 


Commencement  Guests— Where  to  Eat 


[N  AMHERST 


Aggie  Inn 

Adams  Drug 

Colonial  Inn 

Deuel's  Drug 

Kollege  Kandy  Kitchen 

Prospect  House 

North  End  Lunch 


IN  NORTHAMPTON 

Beckmann's 
Draper  Hotel 
Plymouth  Inn 
Rahar's  Inn 
The  Elms  Restaurant 
The  Ideal  Lunch 
Woodwards  Lunch 


IN  SOUTH  HADLEY 
Croysdale  Inn 

IN  HOLYOKE 

Dooley's  Inn 
Marble  Hall  Hotel 
The  Nonotuck 

IN  SPRINGFIELD 

Asia  Restaurant 


CO-OPERATION   IS  THE   KEYNOTE   OF   SUCCESSFUL   BUSINESS 


APER    HOTEL 

NORTHAMPTON,     MASS. 

WE  SOLICIT  THE  M.  A.  C.  PATRONAGE 

irst      Class     Banquet     Facilities 

WM.  M.  KIMBALL,  Prop. 


KOLLEGE  KANDY  KITCHEN 

Delicious  Home  Made  Ice  Cream  Made  Only  From  Pure  Cream 

WHEN  AT  AGGIE  GET  YOUR  ICE  CREAM  AT 
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believe  it,  come  and  see  what  the 
steam  roller  did  to  it. 

— Lampoon. 


Ikey — How  much  was  dose  collars  ? 
Store  Clerk — Two  for  a  quarter. 
Ikey — How  much  for  vun? 
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-TO- 


otljp  "iionolurk" 

HOL YOKE'S  LEADING  HOTEL 

On  the  direct  route  to  the  Deerfield  Valley, 

Mohawk  Trail  and  White 

Mountains 

TOURISTS  WELCOME 


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Gorham  Benedict,  Manager 


Caps  and  Gowns 

Makers  to 

Massachusetts  Agricultural,  Amtierst,  Brown,  Yale 
and  many  others 

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72  Madison  Ave.,  New  York 


MENTION  THE  SQUIB 


,.-sSSi 


Loyal  sons  of  old  Massachusetts, 
Faithful,  sturdy  sons  and  true 
To  our  grand  old  Alma  Mater 
Let  our  song  resound  anew. 
Cheer,  boys,  cheer  for  old  Massachusetts 
Give  our  College  three  times  three; 
Sons  forever  of  the  old  Bay  State, 
Loyal  sons,  loyal  sons  are  we. 


I 


H 


M 


HERE'S  ONE  TO  ROOST  ON 
IRAM — "Jeke  says  he  is  afraid  to  go  into  the 
chicken  house." 
Jake— "Why  is  that?" 
Hiram — "Oh  the  hens  are  all  laying  for  him." 

OTHER — Do  you  smoke  those  cheap  cigar- 
ettes? 
Collegiate — Oh,  Helmar  no. 


DEFINITIONS  OF  THREE  COLLEGES 
ORYN  ]\IAWR— How  much  money  has  he? 
*-'     Mt.  Holyoke — How  much  does  he  know? 

Smith — Where  is  he? 


COLLEGE   BRED 

SHE — Are  your  boys  going  back  to  Aggie  next 
year? 
Mother — Certainly,  I  want  them  to  be  college 
bred. 

She — Rather  a  four  years  loaf,  don't  you  think? 


HE — Why  do  they  have  so  much  pure  air  in  the 
country  ? 
Haw — Because    the    farmers    sleep    with    their 
windows  closed. 


PORT— "What's  on  the  other  side  of  that  bill- 
board? " 
Brainy — "Nothing  but  blank  verse." 


PRACTICAL  AGRICULTURE 
PRESHMAN — "Is   there  any  practical   use  for 
*       fifth  and  sixth  roots?  " 

Professor — "Well,  if  you  are  going  to  study 
agriculture  you  ought  to  know  something  about 
roots." 


LEAD  IN  A  HARD  WAY 
RITE — Hard  lines  for  that  guy. 
Now — How's  that? 
Write — He  just  bought  a  5H  pencil. 


w 


IN  THE  TRENCHES 
J^LAM — I   see   by   the  papers   that   the  French 
'     soldiers  ai'e  all  wearing  steel  helmets. 
Bang — That  seems  like  a  headstrong  thing  to  do. 


>:^    XT. 


ii^ 


MY   SUMMER   GIRL 

THE  girl  who  meets  me  at  the  beach 
Is  shyly  clothed,  and  shy; 
She  sure  is  nothing  but  a  peach, 
Which  you  can  hardly  deny. 

She's  quite  the  nicest  girl  I  know. 

She  has  such  a  witching  way. 
And  when  I  take  her  to  a  show 

All  the  boys  have  something  to  say. 

But  when  it  comes  to  swimming 
She's  there  four  different  %vays. 

For  she's  not  like  the  rest  of  the  "Wimmin' 
She  knows  what  the  wild  waves  say. 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 


Associates 
H.  A.  PRATT  '17 
F.  K.  BAKER  '18 


Business  Manager 
A.  BOOTH  '17 

Circulating  Manager 
D.  M.  LIPSHIRES  '18 


I.  W.  INGALLS 
H.  B.  PEIRSON 

18 
'19 

Assistants 
A.  J.  WING  '19 

$1.25  A  YEAR 

"QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE" 

15  CENTS  A  COPY 

All  contributions  should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor-in-Chief, 
in  the  annual  elections  to  the  board.      Business  covimunications  sho 
Business  Manager. 

They  will  be  given  credit 
uld  be   addressed   to   the 

Second  Class  Mail  Matter  at  Amherst  P.  0- 

Vol.  II. 

JUNE,   1916 

No. 

10 

AU  REVOIR 


HIS  is  the  farewell  number  and  the  time 
will  soon  be  here  when  the  long  suffer- 
ing communities  will  be  saturated  with 
the  annual  crop  of  M.  A.  C.  graduates. 
The  people  of  the  communities  will  eye 
them  suspiciously  and  even  Cupid  will 
follow  them  to  the  end  of  the  earth  until 
he  has  accomplished  his  mission.  Is 
it  not  cruel  to  throw  these  celebrities 
out  into  the  cold  world,  with  the  air  of 
responsibility  hovering  about  their  forms.'' 
But  now  is  the  time  for  them  to  get 
busy  before  the  plums  are  shaken  from 
the  plum-tree.  We  could  write  at 
length  on  the  oscillating  heart  throbs 
that  we  feel  on  the  "eve"  of  their  de- 
which  the  Class  of  1916  has  accomplished 


departure,  but  we  won't.    We  could  tabulate  a  long  list  of  things 

for  the  institution,  but  we  won't.     We  might  even  pass  a  few  bits  of  advice  to  them  as  an  aid  to  their 

endeavors  to  become  leaders  in  this  world,  but  we  won't.     We  could  praise  them  everlastingly,  but  all 


THE    SQUIB 


we  have  to  say  now  is  Good  Bye — or  if  you  prefer — "Auf  Wiedersehen,  or  Au  revoir.    May  they  come  back 
to  us  as  faithful  Alumni  and  always  keep  at  heart  the  everlasting  spirit  of  "Old  Aggie." 


'NCE  again  the  bread  (college  bred)  which  has  been  cast  out  upon  the  waters  of  life  returns 
to  little  Old  Aggie  grown  big,  in  the  shape  of  Alumni.  Two  conflicting  thoughts  are  present, 
that  of  the  alumni  wishing  themselves  in  our  boots  having  a  corking  time  sweating  blood 
over  intensely  interesting  books  and  that  of  we  poor  studes  in  some  cases  stewds  year  ing 
for  the  life  that  is  to  come  when  we  shall  go  out  to  battle  with  the  foaming  waters  or  beverages 
of  life.  We  have  our  future  already  planned.  First  we  will  marry  the  prom  girl,  sweet  thing. 
Then  in  a  few  years  as  we  are  coming  home  from  the  office  after  the  day's  work  is  depleted,  and 
mount  the  porch  steps  we  shall  be  greeted  by  our  little  offsprouts  climbing  on  our  shoulders,  while  in  the 
door  way  stands  the  girl  you  took  to  every  informal  and  to  whom  you  proposed  at  the  prom,  now  the 
mother  of  your  children  with  a  rolling  pin  in  her  uplifted  hand.  (The  uplift  due  to  attending  the  Rob- 
bins  Champagne)  Such  has  been  the  good  fortune  of  the  alumni.  The  alumni,  some  aluminum  alumni 
look  over  the  frosh  of  their  respective  fraternities  and  wonder  if  they  ever  could  have  actually  been  as 
chlorophyllitic  as  this  bunch.  The  frosh  in  turn  do  some  wondering,  trying  to  figure  out  how  long  it  will 
take  them  to  grow  a  food  filter.  However,  we  will  have  to  hand  it  to  our  alumni,  the  men  who  have 
handed  us  our  new  field,  and  pass  over  their  startling  indei^endence  for  cuts,  other  than  razor.  We  hope 
that  they  will  take  a  fancy  to  the  Squib  and  have  him  sent  once  a  month  to  their  homes  or  at  least  where 
their  wife  lives. 


INCE  the  time  is  near  when  we  shall  all  depart  for  the  summer,  it  seems  feasible  to  bang 
to  our  minds  the  watch  word  of  the  college  "Boost  Old  Aggie."  Service  to  the  college  is 
an  ideal  which  we  all  cherish.  During  the  coming  summer  many  of  us  will  probably  meet 
a  number  of  preparatory  school  men  who  intend  to  go  to  college,  but  in  whose  minds  no 
definite  place  has  been  fixed.  It  often  lies  in  our  power  to  exert  considerable  influence  on 
these  men  and  a  few  words  may  result  in  their  choosing  M.  A.  C  for  their  Alma  Mater. 
Be  on  the  watch  for  these  men  and  your  influences  will  prove  successful. 


HE  1916  Squib  Board  greets  you  for  the  last  time.  In  the  next  number  which  will  appear 
as  the  Freshmen  Number  the  New  Board  will  endeavor  to  carry  out  the  good  example 
set  by  the  Old  Board.  Perhaps  the  Squib  has  not  been  an  absolute  success  this  year — we 
are  sure  it  will  be  next  year.  Perhaps  the  editorials  have  not  been  startling  enough — we  will 
startle  you  further  next  year.  At  the  last  meeting  of  the  Board  we  were  imbued  with 
the  desire  to  do  something  big  for  a  good  start.  As  a  result  L.  C.  Higgins  '18,  I.  W.  In- 
galls  '18,  H.  B.  Peirson  '19  were  elected  to  the  editorial  staff  and  A.  Booth  '17,  D.  M.  Lipshires  '18,  A. 
J.  Wing  '19  to  the  business  staff. 

Good  luck  to  them  all  in  their  future  mixing  of  the  ingredients  for  the  Squib. 


THE    SQUIB- 


MANY  have  wondered, 
And  justly  so — 
The  reason  for  it 
We  do  not  know — 

Why  the  tickets  for  the  hop  were  so  few; 
But  take  a  look 
And  you'll  admit 
That  on  the  floor 
There  will  be  a  close  fit 
If  the  Styles  of  all  the  dresses  are  new. 

<s> 

FOTOGRAFICALLY  SPEAKING 

SENIOR — See   here,    I  don't  like  the  finish  you 
gave  to   my  photographs. 
Photographer — Well,  look  what  you  gave  me  to 
start   with. 

HEARD  AMONG  THE  FUMES 

CHEM.  PROF,  to  Frosh— Give  that  pottasium 
cyanide  to  the  assistant,  and  he  will  take  it 
over  in  the  corner. 

Frosh — If  he  only  would. 

STUDENTS  ALSO 

CHEM.  PROF. — In  what  group  does  antimony 
belong? 
Sleeping  beauty — The  anti-money  group.  Why, 
er  the  Socialists  come  under  that  group. 


MRS.  BROWN — "I  am  going  to  paint  in  the 
spring." 
Mrs.    Jones — "Well,    between    you    and    me,    I 
have  been  doing  it  since  spring." 

# 

MAJOR  LOOK 

COUNT   OFF— Are  you   men   shooting   well?  " 
General   Discipline —     Yes,   they   won   four 
dollars  from  the  New  Zealanders." 

THINGS  THAT  INEVITABLY  FOLLOW 

Fish  for   dinner Fish   cakes  for  Supper 

Steak  for  d  nner Hamburg  cakes  for  suppe- 

Beef     for   dinner Hash   cakes   for   supper 

Chicken   for   dinner Croquets   for   supper 

m 

THE  GAME  OF  LOVE 

¥  If.  was  love  and  so  was  she 

^  ^    When  they  started  to  play  the  game. 

And  she  was  love  at  fif't,  thirty,  and  forty 

But  old  Father  time  got  in  his  story. 

Then  came  the  time  when  love  ceased  to  remain, 

And  the  whole  thing  ended  in  simply  a  deuce  game. 

PRAYERS 

ROOM  mate — "Shut  up,  wil   you?" 
Bed  mate — "Why  do  you  want  me  to  shut  up  ?" 
Room  mate — "I  want  to  say  my  prayers." 

THE  CAUSE  OF  A  LIMITED  NUMBBR  OF 
TICKETS  TO  THE  HOP  THIS  YEAR. 

Big  skirts — no  room. 

mum, 

SENIORS 

'  I  'his  is  worse  than  Studying 
*      Look  what  you're  coming  to. 


B 


TENNIS  WORSE  THAN  TWO 
ILL — "How  did  you  come  out  in  your  tennis 
match  with  May?  " 
Hen. — "Oh,  I  loved  her  and  she  hated  me  for  it." 


THE    SQUIB 


''■^■^^^--'^■^^4m0kr^^ 


IT'S  A  HARD  LIFE 


WHAT  ARE  YOU  GOING  TO  DO? 

THAT'S  the  provoking  question  all  the  know- 
nothings  are  asking  the  Senior  these  days. 
The  very  idea  of  presuming  to  ask  a  dignified 
Senior  that!  Give  the  man  a  chance  to  find  out 
himself,  before  you  expect  him  to  enlighten  you 
on  the  subject. 

Nevei-theless,  it  would  no  doubt  be  a  bit 
amusing  if  we  could  get  up  high  enough  some- 
where and  get  a  birdseye  view  of  the  seniors  about 
a  year  from  now.  By  that  time  those  that  are 
physically  normal  should  have  recuperated  suf- 
ficiently from  their  four  years  of  hard  labor  to 
start  out  and  earn  their  daily  bread  instead  of 
asking  to  have  it  given  to  them.  You  would 
probably  see  one  ofi^  in  a  cornier  trying  to  make 
the  stony  back  pasture  his  father  willed  him  into 
a  scientific  farm.  He  has  our  sympathy  and 
deserves  his  daily  bread.  Another  would  prob- 
ably be  forsaking  his  cozy  bed  to  get  up  and  milk 
the  cows  about  the  time  some  of  us  would  be 
crawling  in  between  the  sheets.  No  doubt  there 
would  be  others  up  at  that  early  hour  of  the  morn- 
ing, but  how  do  we  see  them?  Walking  up  and 
down  the  floor  with  a  wee  squalling  bundle  in 
their  arms.  You  need  an  Agricultural  College 
education  even  for  that. 


YOU  AUTO  KNOW 

JIM — "What  is  the  difference  between  a  garage 
and  garbage?  " 
James — "Why  one  is  hollow  and  the  other  isn't." 
Jim — "You  lose,   one  has  a  bee  in  it  and  the 
other  hasn't," 


Ask  the  Juniors  what  they  are  going  to  do- 
Why  they  are  going  to  be  dignified  Seniors  next 
year.     'Nuff  said. 

And  what  about  the  Sophs?  They  are  trying 
to  decide  what  they  are  going  to  major  in  just 
now.  So  we  can't  tell  you  what  they  will  be 
doing  until  they  make  up  their  minds  on  this 
vital  subject.  They  may  be  out  in  the  backyard 
digging  worms,  bugs,  we  mean,  or  they  may 
have  a  few  camping  parties  on  the  "Reservation", 
or  trying  to  make  a  hen  hatch  a  china  egg,  or 
most  anything  else  that  is  not  understandable. 

The  Freshmen  are  just  waiting  to  reap  ven- 
geance on  the  poor,  unsuspecting  creatures  whom 
we  have  not  yet  met.  If  they  only  knew  what 
was  coming  to  them!  Well,  it  will  furnish  some 
excitement  anyway. 


A  PARTY  of  traveling  men  in  a  Chicago  hotel 
*^  were  one  day  boasting  of  the  business  done 
by  their  respective  firms,  when  one  of  the  drum- 
mers said: 

"No  house  in  the  country,  I  am  proud  to  say, 
has  more  men  and  women  pushing  its  line  of 
goods    than    mine." 

"What  do  you  sell?"    He  was  asked. 

"Baby  carriages"  he  said  as  he  fled  from  the 
room. — Ex. 


H 


AROLD — "Did  you  notice  how  quiet  it  was 
in  church  today?  " 
Ralph — "Yes,  I  even  heard  my  gum  drop." 


OUT-DOOR  S 


COLD  PUDDING 


THAT  WAS  SURE  ROARFUL 


^JICK — What  dessert  is    it   that  Niagara    Falls       ^^LD  LADY — What  was  that  terrible  noise 


for? 
Dick — Ice  jam. 


the  distance? 
Youngj^Man — Oh   that   was   just   one   of   the 
booming  powder  towns, 


>RTS  AT  AGGIE 


SOME  'ER  JOB 


WITH  A  GRAIN  OF  SALT 


JIM— What  kind  of  a  job  have  you  got  for  the  liillSTRESS— Have  you  the  ice-cream  made  for 

summer?  ^'*'     dinner? 

Jams— One  that's  on  the  level.  Maid— No,  the  salt  petred  out. 
Jim — What  doing,  laying  bricks? 
Jams — No,    surveying. 


-THE    SQUIB- 

THE  LAST  BLOW 


TIME:     The  dark   ages. 
PLACE:     Police  Recreation  center. 
CHARACTERS    (SOFT):     Student   mob.   Piano- 
ist     with     corner    of    eye    on 
screen. 
(HARD) :     Melvin  Shaves  (some- 
times) . 
Smoothy  ]\Iyth,  the  movie  maggot 
Retinue  of  pohce  lab.   assistants, 
(from    across    the    Rubi    Con- 
necticut.) 
SCENE  I. 
PLACE,  the  Tencent  Haul  of  Film,  Expectant- 
faced    student    mob,    seated    in    the    floorground, 
smoking  defiantly  and  Camels.    Also  .    .    .     Smoo- 
thy Myth  inserted  in  the  background  of  the  Haul, 
with  his  rusty  band  of  very  plain  old  clothesmen, 
hirkingly  scattered  throughout  the  audience. 

SMOOTHY  (glancing  at  the  unruly  mob) — 
Them  student  fellers  are  actin  kind  of  funny  ter- 
night.  If  they  get  ter  raisin  tranation,  we'll 
settle  their  hash.     By  hen!   ! 

MELVIN  (i-eassuring  the  nervous  maggot) — 
We  got  plenty  of  hired  help  around  here  ternight, 
from    our    sister    city,    Northampton,    yer    know. 

LOVE  SCENE  (on  the  screen)— Loud  rumble 
among  students.  One  titter,  three  cackles  and 
four  giggles  (Smoothy  counted  them). 

LOVERS  KISS  (business  of  headon  collision) — ■ 
Smack!  not  kisses,  but  heavy  Irish  confetti  floats 
on  ether  waves.  Turmoil,  confusion,  wreckage, 
pandemonium,  HELL     .    .    . 

MELVIN — Turn  them  lights  on  and  folly  me. 
Grab  any  student  you  jedge  you  can  handle. 

SMOOTHY  MYTH  (grabbing  meek-looking 
student) — See  here,  young  feller,  don't  be  stub- 
born to  a  ossifer.  I  seen  you  breakin  the  lawrs 
of  the   taown. 

STUDENT— Gracious!  Really,  sir  you  have 
the  wrong  person.  I  never  did  an  unlady-like 
thing  in  my  whole  life,  and  the  last  thing  my  mother 
said  before  I  left  for  college  was  "Now  Percy, 
darling,  promise  me  you  won't  raise  hell  at  the 
movies." 

SMOOTHY  (almost  reduced  to  tears  by  the 
tender  appeal) — Drags  him  with  a  sterner  grip 
bouncing  over  the  chairs,  out  into  the  street. 
Here  there  are  three  fellow  disturbers  of  the  peace, 
held  by  the  strong  arm  of  the  law,  which  the  mob 
tries  to  put  in  a  sling. 


SCENE  II. 

PLACE — In  the  street,  with  student  mob, 
Fords,  and  banana  peels. 

Police  Force  Ltd.  Florid  and  Puffing.  Quick 
sale  of  antique  eggs,  which  egg  on  the  police  to 
the  jug.  Cries  of  "Crown  Smoothy  Myth  !  !  " 
heard  from  bloodthirsty  pharynxes. 

STLTDENT — Let  me  explain,  I  was  s  tting  .    .    . 

MELVIN  (between  puffs)— No  you  can't  fool 
me,  you  be  one  of  them  dangerous  characters. 
Don't  I  read  the  Police  Gazette?   ? 

Students  are  then  locked  in  the  "jug,"  and  do 
not  escape  thru  the  cracks  like  the  other  insects, 
who  have  evaded  like  sentences. 

WEAK  (the  baker,  a  lab  ass) — Is  mysteriously 
refrigerated  by  a  ferocious  fist. 

MELVIN— You  boys  will  ketch  the  o'd  Harry 
in  the  mornin.  If  I  was  a  jedge,  I'd  give  you  a 
darn  long  sentence,  I  tell  yer. 

STUDENTS  (invite  him  to  a  place  where  his 
buttons  w'U  melt) — Give  us  a  drink,  Melvin. 

MELVIN  (reaching  to  his  hip  pocket) — No, 
you  boys  can't  have  none.  I'll  get  you  some  water 
bimeby.  (Sarcastically  adds)  I  hope  you  have  a 
pleasant  night  (policemen  must  have  their  little 
jokes). 

ASBESTOS  CURTAIN  (to  protect  Melvin 
from  his  future  home.) 

SCENE  III 

IN  COURT: 

Large  cheering  section  with  tense  suppressed 
emotion,  tear-eyed,  gape  the  proceedings.  The 
judge  with  the  courage  of  his  convictions,  reads: 

FIRST    STUDENT— Guilty. 

SECOND  STUDENT— Guilty. 

THIRD  STUDENT— Guilty. 

FOURTH   STUDENT— Guilty. 

Then  the  janitor,  disregarding  the  applause, 
starts  to  do  his  duty.  Thus  the  courtroom  is 
cleared  up. 


# 


VERY   ORDINARY,   INDEED 

BINGHAM — That  was  a  very  common  thing 
for  Jack  to  do,  it  seems  to  me. 
Bangham — What  was  it? 

Bingham — He  was  walking  on  the  town  green- 
Bangham — Well  he  did  it  on  the  square  anyhow- 


10 


-THE    SQUIB- 


"THE  BIG  THREE" 

"Beware  or   They  icill  Get   You" 


BETTER  LATE  THAN  NEVER 

Becky  and  Hymen  were  going  to  marry 

But  months  came  along  and  still  d"d  they  tarry 

First  was  October,  then  a  delay 

Because  Hymie  didn't  get  a  raise  in  his  pay. 

Then  came  December,  and  it  seemed  that  fate 
Would  allow  these  two  at  last  to  mate. 
But  no,  not  yet,  some  other  excuse — 
They  were  not  tied,  but  went  around  loose. 

So  January  came  with  frost  and  snow 
And  Hymie  still,  did  lack  the  dough. 
The  insurance  business  was  on  the  bum 
And  Hymie  lacked  the  required  sum. 

When  February  came  they  lacked  a  bed 
So  a  boriowed  one  they'll  use  instead. 
At  last  we  hope  they'll  wed,  by  heck 
For  this  couple  gives  us  a  pain  in  the  ncek. 


IF  HAMP  WERE  ONLY  DRY 

This  is  What  Albd  Him 

FIRST  FELLUOUGH— I  understand  that  Jack's 
Dad  strenuously    objects    strongly  to  amber 
brown  sun  glasses. 

Next  Fellough — No,  it's  to  his  son's  glasses  of 
the  amber  brown,  that  he  objects. 


AVHAT  COMMENCEMENT  MEANS 

COMMENCEMENT  means  that  you  have 
to  commence  getting  up  early  and  staying 
in  nights.  You  must  commence  to  save  for  a 
bungalow,  and  the  support  of  what  wears  a  bungalow 
apron.  It  means  that  you  must  commence  to  cease 
to  do  many  things,  such  as,  cross  the  town  '  oun- 
dary  three  times  a  week,  and  eat  at  seven  different 
gi'ubshops  for  six  consecutive  meals.  Commence- 
ment means  that  you  will  have  to  stop  beginning  to 
start  things,  such  as  roughhouses  on  the  stairs 
and  cooing  noises  in  public  amusement  dives. 
It  means  that  you  must  commence  raising  a 
moustache  and  a  family  if  you  are  not  already 
at  it.  You  must  commence  to  use  the  door  as 
an  exit,  not  the  fire  escape,  and  must  push  a  per- 
ambulator instead  of  a  jimmy  pipe,  or  both.  You 
must  commence  to  dress  in  civilian  clothes,  lest 
you  be  taken  for  a  "hobo  sapiens."  You  must 
commence  many  things  disagreeable  and  trivial 
but,  niost  of  all  you  commence  being  a  man  arid 
a  loyal  alumnus  of  your  alma  mater,  so  rest  easier 
in  your  cap  and  gown. 

Moral:  Every  black  robe  is  not  a  shroud.   Cheer 
up,  bong  voyage!!! 

ISAAC — "Vot    are    you  planning  to  make  your 
thesis  on.''  " 
Jacob — "Veil  I've  been  thinking  of  'vinding  a 
way  to  take  the  post-mark  off  from  old  postage 
stamps  so  dat  ve  vont  hav  'ter  buy  uny  new  ones." 


11 


THE    SQUIB 


"HIS    BEST     MAJOR" 


THE   HOP 

ON  the  night  before  the  twenty-first 
There  will  be  some  hard  work  done, 
From  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening 
Until  the  rising  oi  the  sun. 

You  will  see  the  cars  unload  them — 
Well-groomed  men  and  pretty  girls. 
All  dressed  in  the  latest  fashion, 
Flashing  diamonds,  and  pearls. 

They'll  waltz,  and  walk,  and  fox-trot, 
Till  the  perspiration  off  them  pours. 
Then  the  boys  will  take  their  coats  off 
And  throw  open  all  the  doors. 

At  midnight  for  a  while  they  tarry 
In  the  hash-house  banquet  hall. 
While  the  neat,  white-coated  waiters 
Come  and  go  at  their  beck  and  call. 

Here  hilarity  runs  high 

While  they  fill  the  empty  spaces, 

Reflected  is  the  hour's  joy 

On  all  the  happy,  smiling  faces. 


One  is  making  funny  animals 
By  sticking  toothpicks  in  the  rolls, 
Another  in  the  table  linen 
With  his  knife  is  cutting  holes. 

Then  back  again  to  trot  some  more, 
'Til  the  first  faint  glimpse  of  dawn. 
Then  ambition  seems  to  waver — 
Most  of  the  hilarity  is  gone. 

The  next  day  they  feel  bent  and  broken. 
Financially  and  otherwise; 
But  they'll  do  the  same  stunt  over 
As  long  as  money  such  pleasure  buys. 

Just  suppose  some  one  should  ask  them 
In  profitable  labor  that  time  to  spend 
You'd  be  likely  to  hear  a  few  objections 
And  pitiful  wails  the  air  would  rend. 

"A  fool  there  was",  friend  Kipling  said — ■ 
And  as  far  as  we  can  see. 

There's  another  one  born  every  day  in  the  year, 
So  there  will  always  a  fool  be. 


12 


-THE    SQUIB- 


ROSE  arose  to  put  some  rose  on  her  cheeks  to 
make  them  rosy.  Clara  said  that  Will  had 
cheek  to  say  the  rose  on  Rose's  cheek  was  not  a 
natural  rose.  Will  said  Clara  has  two  cheeks, 
which  is  worse  than  having  cheek  to  say  the  rose  on 
Rose's  cheeks  is  not  a  natural  rose 


XPEARIENCE 

Two  little  hen  eggs,  rested  on  the  table. 

Both  of  them  came  with  the  '  New  Laid'     abel, 

I  broke  one  up  and  I  got  a  surprise, 

To  open  the  other,  I  thot  not  wise. 

Neyther  a  borrower  nor  a  lender  be. 

If  an  erstwhile  friend  has  done  you  for  a  fiver 

or  a  ten 
It's  the  proper  thing  to  dun  him  both  in  person 

and  by  pen. 
But  if  you  are  the  one  who  did  the  doing  that 

was  done, 
All  talk  and  correspondence  cease,  lest  he  should 

try  to  dun. 


CONTEMPORANEOUS  HISTORY 

AT  the  Aggie  commencement  in  1976,  there 
were  a  dearth  of  victuals  and  beds,  all  the 
houses  were  congested  to  the  full,  and  even  the 
Amherst  House  hung  a  newspaper  over  their 
signj"Rooms  to  Let."  People  starved,  and  went 
unslept,  for  days  at  a  time.  Barns  in  North 
Amherst  were  entered  by  force  and  forage  crops 
devoured.  The  poultry  plant  kept  only  one  hen 
that  was  in  a  box  with  coccidiosis,  the  visitors, 
the  brilliant  commencement  guests  got  the  rest 
of  them,  not  a  feather  remained.  The  mail  carrier 
was  assaulted  and  robbed  of  several  packets  of 
government  seeds,  which  they  swallowed  between 
gulps  of  ravine   water. 

The  sleeping  accommodations  were  terrifically 
few.  Men  kncicked  a  couple  of  bricks  from  the 
chimney  at  the  Power  Plant  and  in  the  crevice 
thus  made  sought  rest  during  the  off  hours  of  the 
seige.  Tie  Arena,  was  jammed.  One  woman 
asked  her  husband  to  cut  1  er  a  steak  from  the 
plaster  model  of  a  cow,  and  the  baled  hay  in  the 
young  stock  barn  was  entirely  conmanderered. 
Two  brave  and  cool-headed  alumni  tore  a  door  from 
the  chapel  and  launching  it  in  the  pond,  pushed 
out  into  deep  water  and  there  dozed  on  it.  Flat 
roofs  did  a  land  office  business  and  many  Fords 
vacated  their  garages  that  the  innumerable  guests 
might  be  covered  from  the  moon's  fatal  rays,  and 
the  jjiercing  night  air  of  middle  June. 


CLASS  SING  REHEARSAL 

'And  a  Goodly  Crowd  was  There." 


13 


The  Shoes  of  Perfect  Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's  Boot  Shop 

211  Main  Street 

We  invite  you  to  inspect 
our  outing  shoes 

NORTHAMPTON,      -      MASS. 


Phelps  &  Gare 


112  Main  Street 
Northampton,  Mass^ 

"Massachusetts  Men"  welcome  to 
look  over  our  stock  at  any  time. 


It  s  important  this  season  more  than 
ever  to  buy  your  suit  where  the  store 
guarantees  satisfaction,  or  return  of 
your  money. 

We  as  usual,  protect  our  customers. 
Suits  from  $15.  to  $30. 

We  have  selected  our  goods  for 
spring  with  unusual  care. 

White  Flannel  Trousers  $4.,  $5.  and 
$6.50. 

MERRITT  CLARK  &  CO. 

144  Main  St.  NORTHAMPTON 


BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS  FOR  THE  BEST 

Candies  & 
Ice  Cream 

247-249  Main  Street 
Northampton 


Have   You   Seen   Our 

Outing  Suits  and  Sport  coats 

Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  models 

Sanderson  and 
Thompson     ^ 


Croysdale    nn 
and  Tea  Rooms 

SOUTH  HADLEY,  MASS. 
Welcomes  Your  Patronage 

Meals  and  Rooms  for  25 
' '  A ggie ' '  Commencement 
Guests. 

Tel.    Holyoke  2628-W 


Ike — I  am  desirous  of  being  intro- 
duced  to   a   girl   in    the   gas   works. 
Could  I  go  down  the  cellar  to  meter.' 
— Michigan  Technic. 


YOUR  EYES 

Examined  by  the  most 
approved  Methods 


Pullman  Porter — Next  stop  is  your 
station,  sah.  Shall  I  brush  you  off, 
now.f" 

Morton  Moros- — No;  it  isn't  ne- 
cessary. When  the  train  stops,  I'll 
get  off. 

— Judge. 


50—50 
Student  (trying  to  pick  her  up) — 
The  fellows  bet  me  a  dollar,  I  didn't 
dare  speak  to  you.     You  don't  mind 
do  you? 

Beautiful  Girl. — Not  at  all.     Run 
along  now  and  get  your  dollar. 

—  The  WidovK 


Mr.  Dudds — Why  do  you  always 
stand  before  the  mirror  while  dress- 
ing? 

Mrs.  Dudds — To  see  what  is  going 
on  of  course. 

—Puck. 


Your  glasses  designed 
for  the  most  becom- 
ing effect 


OSCAR  L  Mcculloch 

Optometrist    Optician 

54  Suffolk  St.,  Holyoke,  Mass. 


Order  Cooking 


Specials 


The  Elms  Restaurant 


Best  Quality  Food 
Moderate  Prices 

E.  G.  DILL,  Proprietor 

213  MAIN  STREET       NORTHAMPTON 


"Ye  Aggie  Inn" 

"Everything  is  so  Tasty" 


Student  Supplies  of  all  kinds  in  our  store 


Ingersol   Watches 
in  Celluloid  Cases  $1.00 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


THE,  CENTLIi  Of  NEW  \OR.I\ 


Stop  at   the  Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD  ST.,  NEAR  BROADWAY 


Single  Room,  with  Bath     -     - 


-     $2.00  to  $3.00  for  one 


.3,^^     Single  Room,  with  Bath  and  Two  Beds,  $4.00  to  $5.00  for  two 


Located  just  off  Times  Square 

HOTEL     WOODSTOCK 

is  within   a   handy  walk   of   everything — ^terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines — theatres  and  clubs,  yet  you  can  have  quiet,  refinement,  and  service  withal. 


^-■* 


European  plan  restaurant 
unexcelled  tor  its    cuisine 


Wrile  for  our  Map  of  New  York 


Service  and  accommodations    unsur- 
passed for  completness  and  efficiency 


W.  H.  VALIQUETTE 

Managing  Director 


E.  SINGLETON 

Asst.  Manager 


"How  did  you  come  out  in  the  ex- 
amination, Terrance?" 

"Knocked  the  blooming  thing  cold, 
Cholly." 

"That  so?" 

"Yes,  almost  down  to  zero." 

— Sun-Dial. 


"Gee,   Doi-othy,    I   haven't   got   a 
cent  with  me." 

"Well,  it  doesn't  matter.     Every- 
body knows  you,  here,  don't  they?" 

He — Unfortunately  they  do. 

— Siren. 


She  (thoughtfully) — Did  you  ever 
think  much  about  reincarnation, 
dear? 

'18  (otherwise)— Think  about  it? 
I  eat  it  nearly  every  day — only  we 
call  it  hash. 

—  Tiger. 


Hunt — I  was  just  about  to  take  a 
shot  at  the  skunk  when  he  ran  away. 
Runt — Got  away  strong,  eh? 

— J  ack-o'  -Lantern. 


A  Good  Place  to  Eat 


The  Ideal  Lunch 

S.  J.  HALL,  Prop. 


Excellent  Service 


Fine  Cuisine 


40  MAIN  STREET 
NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


Protection  Glasses  with  Colored  Lenses 

Eyesight  is  too  precious  to  take  chances  with.  Big, 
roomy  eye  protectors  that  are  comfortable  and  easy-fitting 
will  avoid  the  chance  of  accident,  relieve  eye-strain  and 
prevent  headaches.  For  long  motor  trips  they  are  indis- 
pensable for  the  driver  and  the  passengers.  We  have  a 
liberally  large  line  for  you  to  select  from. 

O.  T.   DEWHURST 

Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Glasses 

201  Main  St.  Opposite  City  Hall 

Northampton,  Mass.  Telephone  184-W 


CO-OPERATION  IS  THE  KEYNOTE  OF  SUCCESSFUL  BUSINESS 


Compliments  of 


E.  D.  Marsh  Estate 


STUDENT  FURNITURE 


Bowling  is  the  favorite  Spring 
and  Summer  exercise 


Metcalf  s  Bowling  Alleys 


Alleys  May  be    Reserved  in 
Advance 


Stationery,  Blank  Books  and 
Fountain  Pens 

19  18        and       1919 
COLLEGE  STATIONERY 


A.  G.  Hastings 


Newsdealer  and  Stationer 


GILMORE  THEATRE 

THE  HOME  OF  BURLESQUE 


four  Days  Every  Week  Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE   DAILY 


Perfectly  appointed  rooms  for 
your  guests 

Attractive  Dining  Room 


Exceptional  Cuisine 
Telephone  8351 


Henry  Adams  Co. 

Cbe  fiD»  H.  g. 
2)rugQist0    ^ 

Candies  and  Ices 

Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 


PASSE? 

"Would  you  mind  telling  nae  what 
time  it  is,  Jackie,  dear,"  she  purred 
as  she  stretched  out  in  the  hot  sands 
to  disclose  a  well  formed  ankle  on 
which  a  watch  nestled  contentedly 
in  its  leather  straps. 

"Kittie,"  he  said,  hurt  almost  be- 
yond words — "I  never  expected  to 
find  hands  there." 

— Punch  Bowl. 


She — Why  is  a  kiss  over  the  tele- 
phone like  a  straw  hat? 
He — Because  it  isn't  felt. 

— Brunonian. 


"As  the  party  is  off  we  will  have 
nothing  on  for  the  afternoon." 

"Then  we  has  better  go  in     swim- 
ing." 

— Punch  Boivl 


NOT    PRECISELY    WHAT     HE 

MEANT   TO   SAY 
The  Girl's     Mother--And    do    you 
think  my  daughter  can  live  on  your 
salary? 

The  Steady  Company — Why  not? 
Other  women  have. 

—Puck. 


"For  the  Land's 
Sake" 


BOWKER 


UNDERWOOD 

TYPEWRITE 


The  next  best  thing  to  owning  one  is 

RENTING 

AN 
UNDERWOOD 


"The  Machine  You  Eventually  Buy" 


Underwood  Typewriter  Co. 


245  Worthington  St. 


SPRINGFIELD, 


MASS. 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


R.  F.Armstrong  &  Son 


Commencement 

Days  will  soon  be  here.  Let  us  show 
you  our  line  of  suits  ranging  in  price 
from  $12.50  to  $25.00. 

80  Main  St.,      Northampton,  Mass. 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,       Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 
The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

GOOD  FOOD  PROPERLY  PREPARED 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

50  Cent  Luncheon  from  1  L30  to  2  P.  M. 
Special  Dishes  at  All  Hours 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Bay    State    Dye    House 

Northampton,  15  Masonic  St. 


SCOTTY     HOOPER, 
Amherst  Agent 

You  are  getting  out  your  flannels, 
have  them  cleaned  by  our  process. 
Better  than  the  rest.  We  will  serve 
you  to  your  full  satisfaction.  Give 
us  a  trial. 

Just  bring  your  suit  or  trousers  to 
Scotty,  we  will  do  the  rest. 


Woodward's  Lunch 

27  Main  Street,  Masonic  Block 


LUNCHES— SODA— ICE  CREAM 


Closed  only  from  1  a.  m.  to  4  a.  m. 


F.  W.  WOODWARD,  Prop. 


Kodaks  and  Films  at  Deuel's  Drug  Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &  Tilford,  MaiUards 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy  bought  here  which  is  not 

satisfactory  will  be  replaced  or 

money  returned 

VICTOR   MACHINES    AND    RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 


UNCHECKED 
"How  did  the  teller  get  his  cold?" 
"All    the    drafts    in    the  bank   go 
through  his  cage." 

— Boston  Transcript. 


"Oh,  I  had  ta  laugh.  I  wasn't 
even  in  the  submarine.  Neither  was 
Jim  and  when  we  asked  the  Kaiser 
who  was  responsible  for  sinking  the 
battleship,  he  said,  'U2.' 

—Froth. 


"Don't  you  think  my  mustache 
becoming?"  asked  a  senior  of  his  part- 
ner. 

"Well,"  replied  the  fair  one,  "it  may 
be  coming,  but  it  certaiialy  hasn't 
arrived  yet." 

— Gargoyle. 


HE   WASN'T   FIRST 

She  (just  kissed  by  him) — How 
dare  you?  Papa  said  he  would  kill 
the  first  man  who  kissed  me." 

He — How  interesting.  And  did  he 
do  it.' — Judge. 


CHAPTER    FROM    A    TRAGIC 
TALE 

"An'  I  said,  'Jump;  we'll  hold  the 
blanket,'  an'  gosh,  I  hadda  laugh, 
'cause  we  didn't  have  no  blanket — " 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 


Prof. — What  is  the  value  of  a  ver- 
bal contract? 

Freshman — Why,  a  verbal  con- 
tract isn't  worth  the  paper  it's  written 
on. 

— Punch  Bowl. 


Transcript   Photo 
Engraving    Company 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


wa? 


Engravers    of     Merit 

We  solicit  work  in  College  Publications 
GET  OUR  RATES 


Telephones  S494--39S 

THE  ASIA 

RESTAURANT 

First  Class  Appointments 
Telephone  Orders   Given  Careful  Attention 

218  Worthingfon  St.         SPRINGFIELD,  MASS. 


Some  people  live  to  eat.  Others  eat  to  live 

Boyden's  Restaurant 

SERVES  ALL 

Delicious  Dishes  Best  of  Service 

Catering 

Facilities  for  College  Banquets 

196  Main  St.,  Northampton 


MEN  WHO  ADVERTISE  HAVE  SOMETHING  TO  SHOW 


Shoes    that   Look    Well 
and    Fit    Well 

E.  ALBERTS 

241  Main  Street 

opp.  Clarke  Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE  HARDING,  '19,  Agent 


ARTHUR  P.  WOOD 

^he  JeWel 

Store 


Also 
THE    WATCH  AND  CLOCK  HOSPITAL 

197  Main  St.  Northampton,  Mass. 

Telephone  1307 -M 


Compliments  ot 

A.  J.  GALLUP,  INC 

We  sell 

Hart  Schaffner  &  Marx 
Clothes 


293-297  High  St. 


Holyoke,  Mass. 


Our  Food   Has   That   Tasty   Taste 
Which  Reminds   You  of  Home 


North  End  Lunch 


On  the  Left    as  You   Enter 
the  Campus 


DOOLEY'S  INN 

HOLYOKE 

CT1  iTVi  GaisJEij  133 

The  Happy  Hunting  Grounds 
for  Ye  Aggie  Men 

BHaasiffl 

MEALS   SERVED    AT   ALL 
HOURS 


"Say,  jeweler,  why  don't  my 
watch  keep  good  time?" 

"The  hands  won't  behave,  sir; 
there's  a  pretty  girl  in  the  case." 

— Widoiv. 


Richguy — What's  your  ideal  of  a 
Hop  girl? 

Hardup — Well,  she  must  dislike 
flowers;  be  afraid  to  ride  in  a  taxi; 
think  it  perfectly  foolish  to  sleep  at 
all;  have  a  return  railroad  ticket;  and 
be  just  too  excited  to  eat. 

— Record. 


She — Do  you  keep  a  diary? 
He — No;  it  wouldn't  be  fair  to  the 
girl  I  marry. 

— Record. 


GOOD  SALESMANSHIP 

Buyer — I  bought  this  toy  here 
yesterday,  but  when  I  wound  it  up 
at  home  it  wouldn't  go. 

Seller — That's  the  idea  exactly, 
sir!  That's  our  automatic  tramp, 
and  it  wont  work. 

— Judge. 


PREPAREDNESS  IN  THE  DARK 
AGES 

"You  gonna  fight  fo'  yo'  country 
in  de  wor?" 

"Gwan  away  nigger — what'y  I 
want  wid  fight  fo'  country — I'se  a 
city  nigga." 

— Pennsylvania  Punch  Bond. 


"Marriage  is  a  lottery." 
"Not   with   these   cobweb   clothes 
the  women  are  wearing  now." 

— J  ack-o'  -Lantern. 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

U^rintiuG 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


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art  of  saving  itself  from  strain — of  holding  back 
great  reserves  of  power  for  bursts  of  per- 
formance. 

The  vast  margin  of  reserve  between  all 
normal  needs  and  this  wonderful  engine's  safe 
crank-shaft  speed-limit  of  3400  revolutions  per 
minute  explains  this  car's  astonishing  length 
of  life,  its  18  miles  on  a  gallon  of  gas,  and 
its  enormous  range  of  performance  on  high. 

It's  off  like  a  punt  from  a  kicker's  toe.  It 
takes  hills  with  the  grace  and  ease  of  a  hurdler 
skimming  over  the  bars.  It  accelerates  like  a 
leaf  in  an  autumn  gale.  It  passes  over  roads 
as  smoothly  as  a  monoplane. 


Over  15,000  owners  now  swear  by  3400 
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In  Oriford  maroon  or  Meteor  blue  this  car 
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Valentine  green.  Wire  wheels  optional  at 
extra  cost  on  Roadster  or  Cabriolet,  in  white, 
red,  primrose  yellow,  or  black.  Look  these 
cars  over  before  they're  all  gone. 

Five-Passenger  Touring  Car,    $1090  Detroit 
Two- Passenger  Roadster,  $1070  Detroit 

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PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 


Editor-in-Chief 
F.  C.  LARSON  '17 

Associate  Editor 
L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 

Editorial  Staff 
L.  C.  HIGGINS  '18 
I.  W.  INGALLS  '18 
H.  B.  PIERSON  '19 

$1.25  A  YEAR 


Art  Editor 
H.  A.  PRATT  '17 


Art  Staff 
F.  K.  BAKER  '18 
W.  A.  HATHAWAY 


19 


Business  Manager 
A.  BOOTH  '17 


Asst.  Business  Mgr. 
A.  J.  WING  '19 


'QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE" 


15  CENTS  A  COPY 


All  contributions  should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor-in-Chief.  They  will  be  given  credit 
in  the  annual  elections  to  the  board.  Business  communications  should  he  addressed  to  the 
Business  Manager  1°2  South  Cc 


Entered  as  second-class  matter  January  31,  1916  at  the  post  office  at  Amherst,  Mass. 


Vol.  111. 


OCTOBER,    1916 


No.  1 


X  consequence  of  the  opening  of  college,  Sqiiibhy  takes 
it  upon  himself  the  work  of  welcoming  back  the  under- 
graduates and  of  greeting  another  entering  class  of 
greenlings  who  have  put  their  feet  on  the  threshold 
of  dear  "Old  Aggie".  We  are  surely  glad  to  look  into 
their  smiling  faces  and  welcome  them  back  after  an 
exciting  summer  remarkable  for  its  epidemics,  strikes 
and  heartrending  incidents.  Once  again  autumn  is 
with  us  and  Mr.  Infantile  Paralysis  has  quarantined 
the  fair  sex  in  our  sister  colleges.  But  be  as  it  may, 
the  way  of  the  transgressor  is  hard  and  all  we  can  do 
is  to  endeavor  to  live  up  to  the  watchword  of  the  year, 
"Be  Ambitious".  We  hope  that  the  entering  class 
as  well  as  those  that  are  now  here  will  try  to  make  this  year  the  most  successful  for  Aggie.  And  now 
that  Squibbij  has  duly  welcomed  you,  make  yourselves  at  home  on  the  campus  and  live  up  to  the  rules 
of  the  Senate. 


THE    SQUIB- 


HIS  number  starts  Sqiiibby  on  another  year  full  of  hilarity  and 
cheerfulness.  But  Squibby  finds  his  humor  subsiding  consider- 
ably, for  he  feels  that  he  cannot  continue  to  live  if  he  is  unable 
to  obtain  the  support  of  the  student  body.  If  you  remove  the 
sunshine  from  the  rose  it  cannot  exist,  then  why  expect  Squibbij 
to  stay  in  the  trench  when  you  remove  this  pecuniary  vitality.^ 
Do  not  let  him  go  to  the  River  Styx  just  because  you  would 
rather  read  your  neighbors"  cop^^  but  endeavor  to  purchase  each 
copy  yourself.  Every  large  college  in  the  country  has  its  own 
comic,  Harvard  has  her  Lampoon,  Yale  her  Record,  etc.  Aggie 
has  her  Squib,  but  is  she  supporting  it.?  Squibby  looks  for  your 
support  and  is  ready  to  accept  any  criticism  which  in  any  way 
would  benefit  him,  so  if  you  cannot  support  the  paper  financially, 
show  a  little  pep  by  trying  to  become  a  member  of  the  board. 


So  think  it  over  men,  and  let  us  have  a  prosperous  year  for  the  Squib. 


QUIBBY,  always  thotful  for  the  welfare  of  his  be- 
loved Aggie,  was  peeved.  He  had  been  thinking  of 
an  incident  which  happened  a  year  ago,  and  sud- 
denly his  just  wrath  culminated  iii  his  unsheathing 
of  his  royal  corn-cutter  and  delivering  the  following 
edict:  Be  it  known  to  all  the  dwellers  in  the  Kingdom 
of  Aggie  that  any  attempt  to  intimidate  the  people 
who  recentl,v  came  here  from  the  Kingdom  of  Prep- 
school  shall  be  considered  TREASON  against  His 
Majesty,  Squibby,  and  as  a  penalty  therefor  he  will 
send  his  staff  on  a  punitive  expedition  with  the 
pun  left  out.  Long  live  Aggie!  (Beware  lest  the 
executioner  do  a  death  scene,  with  you  as  the  coro- 
ner's hero). 


HE  "Squib",  although  a  strictly  non-partisan  paper,  cannot  help  but  make  a 
statement  in  regards  to  the  political  situation  at  "Aggie."  To  say  it  is  acute 
is  mild — it  is  exasperating.  We  were  going  down  the  campus  the  other  day 
and  a  friend  asked  us  if  we  were  for  Hughes  P  After  looking  him  in  the  eye 
for  a  minute  we  said  yes,  and  talk  about  the  hand  shake  we  received.  Taft 
and  his  five  thousand  hand  shakes  is  a  back  number.  A  little  further  along 
we  met  another  friend  who  asked  us  if  we  were  for  Hughes.  We  again  said 
yes.  Woe  and  betide,  we  lost  one  good  tooth,  a  clean  collar,  and  were  other- 
wise considerably  mussed  up.  Since  this  latter  parting  we  have  decided  to 
remain  neutral — at  least  until  the  day  to  cast  our  vote  comes.  American 
politics  are  surely  strenuous,  especially  when  a  peace  loving  citizen  has  to 
change  his  mind  every  two  minutes  as  to  his  favorite  candidate,  in  order  to 
live  until  voting  day. 


THE    SQUIB- 


v-hii..j_ 


SECOND  ANNUAL  MEETING  OF  THE 
PLOWING  TEAM 

MONDAY,  Oct  23  members  of  last  year's 
plowing  team  met  down  at  the  sheep  barns 
to  elect  new  officers  and  discuss  plans  for  the 
coming  season.  The  meeting  was  called  to  order 
by  Manager  Flint  who,  in  the  absence  of  Presi- 
dent King  Babbitt,  acted  as  chairman.  The 
meeting  was  characterized  by  much  cheering  and 
enthusiasm  in  general  as  the  various  reports  were 
read  off.  Last  year  the  team  being  on  its  first 
official  schedule  went  through  without  a  defeat 
such  well  known  teams  as  Wellesley,  Vassar, 
Radclifle,  Mt.  Holyoke  and  Smith  College  going 
down  to  defeat  in  the  order  named.  Smith  Col- 
lege forfeited  their  meet  after  seeing  our  decisive 
victory  over  their  rival,  Mt.  Holyoke.  The  fol- 
lowing is  a  brief  account  of  an  article  which 
appeared  in  a  well-known  Boston  paper: 
■'AGGIE  TOO  STRONG  FOR  WELLESLEY" 
Plowing  Team  Wins  First  Meet  of  Season 
The  plowing  team  of  the  Mass.  Agri.  College 
was  too  strong  for  Wellesley,  the  champions  of 
Greater  Boston,  and  therefore  scored  an  easy 
victory.  Braves  Field  was  packed  with  loyal 
rooters  of  both  colleges  who  cheered  their  re- 
spective teams  on.  For  the  Aggies  James  Day, 
noted  football  jjlayer  and  all-round  athlete, 
starred,  as  it  was  largely  due  to  his  masterly 
handling  of  the  runs  that  accounted  for  the  final 
outcome.  Wellesley  was  superior  on  the  straight- 
away, but  the  Farmer's  team  had  the  corners 
down  to  a  science.  Only  one  mishap  marred  the 
meet,  this  being  the  breakingof  a  tug  by  Wellesley 
which  was  quickly  repaired  by  handkerchiefs 
collected  by  women  spectators.  After  the  meet 
both  teams  showed  their  sportsmanship  by  hold- 
ing various  theatre  and  dinner  parties.  The  final 
score  stood: — Aggie  9  furrows,   Wellesley  7  fur- 


This  was  cited  as  an  example  of  the  widespread 
advertising  derived  from  such  a  branch  of  sports. 

Following  the  reading  of  the  minutes  of  the 
club  the  treasurer  read  his  report  which  showed 
that  in  spite  of  the  small  guarantees  received,  the 
team  was  able  to  close  the  season  free  from  all 
debts.  Large  contributions  from  outside  people 
were  responsible  for  this,  the  list  including  John 
D.  Rockerfeller  who  showed  his  interest  by  send- 
ing in  a  check  for  fift.y  cents. 

Owing  to  the  discomfiture  of  the  members  of 
the  team  who  found  it  very  trying  to  walk  in  the 
soft  earth,  nothing  but  sulky  plow  will  be  used 
this  year.  This  affords  all  men  who  find  it  hard 
work  to  stand  on  their  feet  a  chance  to  make 
their  letter  by  the  easier  method  of  sitting  down. 
An  urgent  request  is  made  to  the  freshman  class 
to  send  out  a  large  delegation  to  the  practices 
which  will  consist  of  field  demonstrations  and 
blackboard  talks.  The  Agronomy  Department 
has  set  aside  20  acres'  for  the  team  to  practice 
on  besides  a  yoke  of  oxen  which  are  the  best 
motive  power  attainable  for  the  team. 


# 


IN  THE  MILLENIUM       • 

"Who  is  that  Jones  is  continually  kissing?" 
"My  young  wife.       They  have  become  great 
friends." 


m 


"It  must  be  good  fishing  around  here." 

"Why?" 

"See  all  the  empty  bottles." 

— Gargoyle 


THE    SQUIB- 


J^yrypiNQr    The  9$ 

WHAT  Hl<:  DREW 

"  I  'HE  artist  and  his  girlie 
*       In  the  quiet  studio  sat; 
He  had  met  her  in  a  burlie 
During  intermission  chat. 

Her  slightest  wish  was  to  him  law, 

It  made  her  only  dearer, 
He  asked  of  her  "What  shall  I  draw?" 

She  said  "A  little  nearer." 

A  QUITE  well-to-do  lady  from  the  country 
visited  the  city  and  entered  one  of  the 
larger  stores  where  she  looked  around  for  four 
and  half  hours  in  search  of  something  of  which 
she  might  like  to  be  the  owner.  At  last  the  floor 
walker  advances,  and  with  a  polite  bow  says, 
"Pardon  me  madam,  but  are  you  here  to  buy 
something?" 

The  lady  looked  him  over  from  top  to  toe  and 
said,  "And  what  did  you  think  I  was  here  for? " 

The  floor  walker  with  another  polite  bow:  "I 
didn't  know  but  you  were  taking  an  inventory  of 
the  stock." 


STOLEN  GOODS 

SNIVVERS — I   was    about    to    go    for   a    drive 
in   my  auto  this   afternoon,   but  one  of  the 
cylinders  was  missing. 

Flivvers — You  are  lucky,   I   wanted  to  go  for 
a  ride  this  afternoon  and  the  whole  car  was  missing. 

# 

OVERHEARD  AT  HASH  AGAIN 

•T'UB— I  say  old  chop 

*■       Grub — What  are  you  talking  to,  this  meat 
or  to  me? 


THOSE  HORRID  ENGINEERS 

?HE — Are  you  a  strict  follower  of  the  Golden 
5     rule? 
He — Nope,  the  Slide  rule  for  mine. 

1st  Frosh — "Got  a  match?" 

-2nd  Frosh— "Yep.     Here." 

1st  Frosh — "Think  I  forgot  my  makings  too." 

2nd   Frosh — "Well,    give   me   back   my   match 


then." 


# 


YOUNG    lady    to    army    surgeon — "I    suppose 
you  will  marry  after  the  war,  doctor." 
Doctor — "No,  my  dear  young  lady.     After  the 
war  I  want  peace." 


THE    SQUIB 


THE  CORKERS  CORKED 

THEY  were  all  talking  excitedly,  one  voice 
rising  above  the  others  could  be  heard 
saying,  "That  frosh  is  a  corker  and  we  simply 
gotta  gettim.  He  played  left  fullback  at  Extra 
Handover  last  year  and  has  been  playing  on  the 
best  prep,  school  teams  in  the  country  for  the 
last  eight  or  nine  j^ears.  And  when  it  comes  to 
baseball  there  is  nobody  in  the  country  who  can 
touch  him.  He  caught  more  flies  in  one  season 
than  Zack  Wheat  and  Tanglefoot  combined,  and  - 
had  to  carry  revolvers  to  keep  such  managers  as 
Mac  Raw  and  Robemsome  from  kidnapping 
him.  He's  a  wonder  and  we  gotta  take  him  by 
hook  or  crook.  Now  here's  the  inside  dope. 
We  as  loyal  members  of  Slinga  Line  Abull  have 
got  to  get  him  away  from  that  roughneck  Delta 
Guya  Blow  gang,  whether  the  man  is  any  good 
or  not,  and  I  tell  you  they  are  after  him  strong 
because  only  yesterday  I  saw  Jack  Rusheni  offer 
him  a  cigarette  paper.  As  for  the  You  Sighs,  I 
saw  them  stuffing  his  pocket  full  of  pledge  pins 
last  night  downtown  in  Skiner's  drug  store. 
The  Papa  Eata  Motza  gave  him  such  a  corking 
feed  at  Rahrahs  that  he  thinks  possibly  he  will 
go  with  them,  aiad  the  Signi  Shi  Asaloon  have 
him  dated  up  for  tonight.  Our  only  chance  is 
to  bid  him  this  afternoon." 

Two  members  of  Slinga  Linea  Bull  were  chosen 
for  this  task,  and  set  out  to  find  I  Gotta  Repp, 
the  boy  wonder.  They  found  him  in  his  room 
quietly  reading  the  Dean's  Rule  Book  for  1916. 

"Hello  old  scout,  we  have  got  the  best  bunch 
in  college  and  we  want  to  have  you  with  us.  If 
you  want  to  come  with  a  good  live,  noisy  bunch 
just  sign  up  with  us.  We  are  corkers,  all  of 
us." 

"Well  I'll  tell  you,  boys,  I  want  to  go  with  a 

bunch  that  is  quiet  because " 

"Gee  then  you  want  to  come  with  us,  we  have 
the  quietest  bunch  on  the  campus  and  as  for 
athletes,  why,  the  college  couldn't  get  along 
without  our  bunch." 

"Yes,  I  suppose  so,  but  I  am  going  in  for  the 

studies  now  that  I  am  in  college  because ■" 

"Then  sign  up  with  our  bunch  and  you  will 
make  no  mistake  for  we  lead  the  whole  college  as 
far  as  studies  go.  Last  year  we  lost  only  about 
half  our  men  on  account  of  studies,  and  what 
we  are  giving  you  is  straight  dope  absolutely 
no  bull. 

"That  is  probably  .so  boys,  but  after  I  gradu- 
ate I  intend  to  go  into  the  real  estate  game,  and 


I  want  to  join  a  Imnch  that  can  sling  a  good  line 
of  bull." 

Long  silence 


YOICHS,  HARK  AWAY' 

The  open  season  now  is  on,  the  trolley  men  are 

glad. 
And  now  you  guys  go  over,  who  wished  to  go  so 

bad. 
Be  like  a  mighty  hunter,  the  chase  must  never  lag. 
But  remember  the  rules  of  tradition, — one  chicken 

makes  a  bag. 


YOU'VE  GOT  TO  HAND  IT  TO  THEM 

KENNEDY  and  Lipshires  the  ex-bell-hops  will 
now  trill  that  touching  hotel   melody,   en- 
titled "The  Itching  Palm." 


THE  boarding-house  Mrs.  who'  is  noted  for 
serving  minimum  portions  of  food  asked 
her  new  boarder  in  her  sweetest  voice,  "How  did 
you  find  the  steak  this  noon,  Mr   Smith.'" 

Mr  Smith,  pleasantly,  "Quite  easily,  thank  you 
— I  am  a  detective  by  profession,  you  know." 


THE    SQUIB- 


The  person  sending  in  the  best  title  to  the 
above  picture  will  receive  a  year's  subscription 
to  the  Squib. 

Send  your  answers  to  12  South  College. 

She — Can    a    man    tell    when   a  woman   loves  "Prices  are  going  up." 

him.''                                                                                             "Well,  women's  skirts    have  been  reduced   to 

He — He  can,  but  he  ought  not  to.  almost   nothing." 

— Record              "But  they're  going  up,  too."  — Sire7i 


Cholly — "Are    you    going    to    the    fancy   dress 
ball.?" 

Agnes — "Oh,   no,    I    have    hardly   a    thing  to 
wear." 

Cholly— "Er— isn't  that  the  latest  style.?" 

—Froth 


Life     Guard    (excitedly) — Madam,   your    poor 
husband  has  been  drowned. 

The  Widow  (in   bathing  costume) — And    have 
they  found  his  body? 

Guard — No,  it's  lost. 

W. — Now  isn't  that  too  provoking — he  had  the 
key  to  our  bath  house  around  his  neck! 

— Tiger 


iSi'  ilir  JJlaltjiljiinu'rs 

STiirral  linial  Agijir  lufitmnM'  i*"!'  »i"'» 

rrpnrtrh 
ilii  till'  0lll^rut  rum;)  at  IJbllstin'.l.  '"'f"  '"''  'i 

iiuiiilh  ^I!l;lOli^^. 
iCittlr  i|urutiitiiii  fur  tiii\ii|:  ICtrr  lliril  l^la^  In 

hit  tlir  bail:' 
fflrrr  thru  lUTii  lirr^  ,il  iiglil.  (iftrr  Iriiniiiiit 

l|iiui  to  lujlit? 
flift  the  turtitu  acrm  a  iii(i(  uiri(  lljr  Xnii  ^iirk 

applre  lijir-' 
fflrrr  lljrir  ilamrB  In  thrtillhtiii  i»i.  man  llii'ir 

Aiwir  spirit  goiir'' 
Qi^  tifcii  laiam  tlir  iiiai)  tii  ijinot.  ^til  thr  nfficrra 

liiok  nilfV 
Sill  tl|rir  piittrcti  liri'p  ilicii  ijul.  riiiilhtlirij  Bit 

upmi  a  atmil? 
SriiirritB   ciirarD'  mru  tl)rLi  (la^iisrb.  aii&  hiuit 

lanii  biD  niir  fr lliuns  lest'' 
ttniilli  tlirii  marth  Ini  mtni  iiaii,  i"iii"i  tlicii 

almaija  frrl  riglit  uaii? 
Siil  thry  Irar  a  call  tn  aaiia.  )uiyrr  talk  aiitl 

falsr  alarms? 
tOnrr.  mit  oiirr  Mil  tli  i|  rtptm,  iiiiArriiratli  a 

raiii-Binikrb  triit'' 
Krrr  lljrir  liliiuBraepii  aiiilnpiii.  fli!itl)rir  ilrill 

ulinrii  liiilft  tljrir  taitV 
All  IhrBf  uuiiifirra  uiratbfJ  our  Jiimr.  uir  lului 

lia&  to  Btaij  at  Inimr. 
0ill  tl)rij  iilioiu  UP  u;i  lliiKCiai.  uilraflucF  lifiii 

mrthohii  hrrr  ? 
ifluol  mr  iiiy  atrrittl!aiiO!l.iirliiiliri  a  fortrrag 

out  Df  claii? 
Elf  arr  glaii  tl|rii  uifiil  tl|f».liio:  mini)  tliat  nil 

of  uo  caiilll  go! 
tyn  Irt  hb  iiiakr  a  ioi|fiil  iiOlBt.  n  long  [ifH  {"f 

our  JJlatlalinrg  luiilB- 


-THE    SQUIB 


HOW  THEY  MEET 
"^^H,  you  Bill,  welcome  soap,  to  our  city  with- 

V^     out  a  heart.     Have  a  good  vacation?" 

"Very  good  Eddie,  and  you,  hello  old  timer. 
AVho  did  you  do.^" 

"I  was  farming  and  working,  pretty  soft,  that 
is  my  hands  were.  Look  at  these  callouses  now, 
bo."" 

"Farming  and  working,  heJ^  good  combination, 
a  little  of  both  is  a  good  thing,  (as  the  hobo  said 
as  he  enclosed  two  pies  with  a  single  stretch  of 
mouth.)      Got  unpacked  yet.'" 

"'Well,  the  first  load  of  photos  has  come. 
Lookem  over  child.     See  any  new  faces?" 

"Wait  a  minute!  AVho  is  this,  summer  queens, 
some  are  not,   etc." 

"See  that  "Slick  Stories"  there.  I  read  that 
all  summer." 

"And  got  a  clean  bill  of  health  from  the  office? 

Some  slipup.     Say,  if  the  Dean  knew Is  that 

the  bell?  then  au  reservoir,  I  want  to  get  a  flying 
start  in  this  chem  course.  But  did  you  lamp  the 
new  stewardess?  I  almost  drop])ed  the  milk 
pitcher  when  I  saw  her.  Well,  let's  go  gang! 
A  ce  soir." 

He's  OFF — in  more  than  one  sen.se. 


o 


4» 

NE  of  the  Mexican  border  songs  contains  the 
phrase  "the  blooming  engineers'". 
We  would  humbly  ask  if  they  mean  the  Flori- 


culturists at  Aggie? 


# 


THAT  FLATAVAD  MUSE 

WHEN  I  consider  how  my  coin  was  spent. 
On  jitneys,  movies,  camels,  and  the  dance; 
I  wonder  where  my  heritage  has  went, 
And  go  and  auction  off  my  flannel  pants. 


PATHER — "I  don't  like  the  habit  your  young 
*■  man  has  of  hanging  around  here  so  late  at 
night.     What  does  your  mother  say  about  it?" 

Daughter — "She  says  men  haven't  changed  one 
bit  since  she  was  young." 


THE  BURNING  QUESTION 
\T^ILLY — Smithers    seems    to    be    having    a 
^  '       heated  argument  with  the  janitor. 
Xilly — -Yes  he  is  trying  to   get  him  to   put  a 
little  coal  in  the  furnace. 


JACK — "You're  looking  prosperous!     What  did 
you  do  this  summer?" 
Jake — "Me?     Sort  of  a  chemist.     Used  a  cast 
iron  nerve  to  turn  aluminum  into  tin!" 


OH  YOU  OLD  PEP,  TEAM 

OH   every  year  about   this   time,   the   glorious 
early  fall, 
The  campus  rings  with  football  yells  and  signals' 

snappy  call. 
This  season  starts  a  splendid  plan,  three  coaches 

now  must  pick. 
The  better  of  the  candidates  who  tackle  and  who 

kick. 
Oh  the  team  we  love  to  yell  for,  they  are  always 

in  the  scrap, 
And  they're  sure  to  keep  old  Aggie  on  the  foot- 
ballistic  map. 
When  they  start  to  hit  the  schedule,   they   will 

show  em  where  we  stand 
For  they  know  we're  all  behind  them  from  the 

co-eds  to  the  band! 

Hip-hip-hip-Mass. Mass. Mass.,  etc. 

HE — These    tire    thieves    are    very    bold    now, 
aren't  they? 
She — Oh,  yes,  father  had  to  put  chains  on  his 
tires. 


rilE  Visitor — "I  don't  see  how  the  Freshmen 
^       can  keep  their  little  caps  on  their  heads." 
The  Professor — "Vacuum  pressure." 


10 


THE    SQUIB 


fsJ 


lArnfmf'i 


"INDOOR    SPORTS    AT    AGGIE" 


# 


PROF — "Where  is  your  common  sense  located?"  OOBERT — "Have    j^ou    loved    anyone    before 
Co-Ed  Freshlady— "In  the  brain."  IN.     me?" 
Prof — "Right.      Man's    brain    is    larger    than  Rose — "No   darling,   I  have  not.     I   have   ad- 
woman's.     What  is  the  result?"  mired  many  men  for  their  bravery,  beauty,  intelli- 
Co-Ed  Freshlady — "That  shows   that   quality  gence,  strength,  but  as  for  you  Robert,  it  is  only 
counts  more  than  quantity."                                   ■  love,   nothing  else." 


H 


OWARD — "Did    your    aunt    remember    you 
in  her  will?" 
Henry — "Sure  she  did.     Directed  her  executors 
to  collect  all  the  loans  she  had  made  me." 


'VTES,"    confessed    Jack.     "When    she    wasn't 
*       looking  I  kissed  her." 

"And  then  what  did  she  do?"  asked  his  friend. 
"Refused  to  look  at  me  again  all  evening." 


11 


THE    SQUIB 


AGILE  ADGIE  OR  THE  BOY  WONDER  OF 
THE  MEXICAN  BORDER 

ADGIE,  the  hero  of  our  story,  was  a  \-ictiiH 
of  the  much  dreaded  flunk-out  system  and 
in  consequence  packed  his  things  collegiate  and 
jumped  a  train  for  home.  Upon  his  arrival,  in 
reply  to  the  volley  of  really  pertinent  personal 
questions  turned  upon  him  by  his  wrathful 
])aternal  parent,  Adgie  was  forced  to  confess 
that  40  %  or  more  of  the  professors  were  down 
on  him,  bore  a  nasty  grudge  against  him,  wouldn't 
give  him  a  sqvuire  deal  and  for  some  entirelj' 
imaginarj'  and  trum])ed  u])  reason  had  failed  him 
in  the  exams. 

"I  knew  the  stuff  cold  pop",  he  said,  "but  they 
gave  me  a  raw  deal.  Why,  just  to  prove  that 
I  was  a  good  student  observe  the  stellar  rating 
that  I  received  from  the  Department  of  Military 
Science.  Anything  that  is  really  difficult  and 
takes  brains  you  see,  I  was  able  to  master,"  and 
with  his  feet  arranged  beneath  him  like  Napoleon 
in  the  Famous  picture  "  Don't  give  up  the  Ship", 
he  added,  "Father  I  am  going  to  join  the  troops 
at  the  border  make  a  name  for  myself  and  become 
the  pride  of  the  town."  He  then  executed  a 
right  face  and  without  further  parley  left  his 
already  proud  father  in  the  doorway  dazed  but 
happy  in  the  thought  that  no  more  letters  would 
be  forthcoming  from  the  treasurer's  office. 
To  be  concluded. 

# 

ETIQUETTE  BETWEEN  FROSH  AND 
SOPHS 

A  FROSH  should  not  require  a  request  to  be 
repeated. 

A  Frosh  and  Soph  should  not  be  angry  at  the 
same  time. 

Bestow  your  warmest  symjjathies  in  each  others 
trials. 

A  Soph  should  make  his  criticism  of  a  Fresh- 
man to  the  latter's  face,  preferably  a  black  eye. 

Always  use  the  most  gentle  and  loving  words 
when  addressing  each  other. 

Let  each  study  what  pleasure  can  be  bestowed 
upon  the  other  during  the  day. 


OH  SKINNY:  LOOK  DOWN  THE  RAVINE 

THINK,  fellow  students  of  the  intense  efforts 
of  the  men  of  landscape  artistic  genius  who 
are  trying  to  make  the  Ravine  into  a  Grotto  of 
Gush,  where  Junior  and  Co-ed  can  meet  on  eciual 
terms  and  a  rustic  settee,  and  try  to  make  each 
other  believe  that  that  rippling  rivulet  comes  not 
from  the  pond  but  from  "somewhere  on  Campus", 
and  that  the  squirrels  are  really  amusing. 

Later  when  the  rural  engineers  get  going,  we 
will  have  concrete  casts  of  Pomona,  Johnnie 
Appleseed,  and  Jimmie  Nick  mounted  there  on 
huge  pedestals.  Poison  ivy  will  twine  sweetly 
around  a  rum  cherry  tree  while  the  landlocked 
salmon  chew  coaldust  cuds  and  swim  swiftly. 

Freshman  will  not  be  allowed  to  sail  toy  boats 
in  the  stream,  and  one  way  bridges  will  si)an  the 
murky  minnow  brook. 

Later  when  the  sorority  has  a  house  of  her 
own,  alumnae  will  wheel  ]ierambnlators,  etc.,  along 
the  rubble  promenade  and  will  show  the  children 
the  sidehill  cages  of  zoo  animals  while  promiscu- 
ously passing  peanuts  to  the  dearest  little  monkeys. 

Here  is  a  sofmore  swinging  in  a  hammock  far 
out  over  the  deep  waters  of  the  stream,  there  is 
a  senior  playing  in  the  sand  with  a  pail  and 
shovel,  ice  cream  cones  are  in  the  air,  soda  fizzes, 
all  are  happy  in  then  ejoyment  of  the  Aggie  Dream- 
land, which  was  developed  by  the  landscapers 
and  the  graduate  capitalists.     So  be  it. 

Branch  offices  might  be  established  in  the  dorm 
entries,  and  with  the  use  of  cover,  hanging  gardens, 
moss  carpets,  and  hedgethorn  partitions,  intercrop 
the  present  layout  with  hardy  perennials  with 
the  general  effect  of  back-to-nature-  with  all  feet 
at  once. 

Seriously,  (pardon  us.  Freshman,  for  the  stern 
attitude),  now  seriously,  we  congratulate  the 
landscape  artists  on  their  idea,  their  initial 
attempts  and  their  promises  of  further  develop- 
ment. 

We  all  want  to  see  the  campus  beautiful — all 
over.     Merci,  yes. 


<s> 


The    widow   and    her   children    approached    the 
photographer. 

"What  are  your  rates,  please?"  she  inquired. 
"Seventy-five    a    dozen,     madam,"  he  replied. 
"But  I  have  only  eleven." 

— Jester 

12 


YOU  don't  care  whether  I  leave  you  or  not," 
he  said  mournfully.  "When  I  reach 
England  I  shall  commit  suicide.  I  feel  it.  A 
rope  will  be  all  I  need." 

■'Oh,  don't  worry,"  she  said  cheerfully.     "I'll 
send  you  a  cable." 


THE    SQUIB- 


LOCAL  SQLIBS 

HOW  do  you  like  your  corporal. " 
"0!  He  is  a 'Jewell.'" 

It  is  rumored  that  Count  OfP  is  afraid  of  neither 
the  pond  nor  work,  but  he  keeps  away  from  both. 

I'll  squeeze  your  adams  apple  until  3'ou  spit 
cider. 

At  the  rope  jjuli  "Goody,  Goody  for  our  side." 

Cy  — "'The  alarm  clock  just  went  oli." 

Harry — "Good,  close  the  door  and  don't  let 
it  in  again." 

"I  understand  that  'Strings'  is  trying  out  for 
the  foot-ball  team." 

"Yes,  but  you  might  as  well  try  him  out  for 
fat." 

"How  is  that.?" 

"Why  you  can't  get  anything  out  of  him." 

(0) 

ON  TO  THE  POND 

FRESHMEN!  show  me  your  hand-book,  and 
don't  you  dare  put  your  hand  in  your  pocket. 

A  farmer  in  telling  about  the  wonderful  fruit 
grown  down  south  said  that  they  often  took  pine- 
apples, hollowed  them  out  and  used  them  for 
waste-paper  baskets.  "That's  nothing,"  said  the 
Boston  man.  "One  of  our  policemen  was  lost 
on  a  beat  last  week." 

Freshman — "Our  class  has  got  a  'Silverman.'" 

Sophomore — "That's  nothing  we  have  a  Pond 
for  him." 

Wanted!  Second  hand  sonnets  for  the  Sopho- 
mores. 

The  Co-Ed  Society  of  Higher  Criticism  will 
meet  on  the  upper  piazza  this  noon  to  look  over 
the  material  on  the  way  to  dinner,  and  plan  a 
course  of  tactics  from  this  observation. 

(Heads  up  fellows,  you  are  eligible  maybe, 
smile  if  necessary). 

Did  you  see  iVlumnus  Plaisted  stare  at  the 
improved  hash-house.' 

Even  Charlie  Moses  was  tickled  with  the 
decorations,  floral  and  personal. 

CD 

To  the  class  of  '16.  We  miss  your  pep,  so 
come  around  often  to  see  us. 

# 

That  tall  freshman  denies  that  he  intends  to 
pledge  a  sorority. 

We  believe  him,  but  think  he  forgot  the  watch- 
word for  the  year. 


'HE  old  order  changeth," 

yes, — even  the  shirts  are  daintier' 


CEITIQUE I 

\T^HEN  an  English  man-of-war  visited  a 
'  •  Chinese  port  the  ofBcers  were  invited  to 
a  feast  at  the  house  of  a  prominent  merchant. 
The  conversation  was  not  very  lively  as  none 
spoke  the  language  of  the  country. 

The  captain  had  just  had  a  second  helping  of 
a  course  which  he  though  was  roast  duck  and 
which  he  thought  was  very  good.  He  turned  to 
the  host  and  pointing  to  his  plate  said  "Quack, 
quack,  quack." 

The  merchant  looked  puzzled,  then  as  the 
meaning  dawned  on  him,  shook  his  head  and 
with  a  smile  replied,  "Wow,  wow,  wow." 


13 


THE    SQUIB- 


MUSINGS  OF  A  MILLIONAIRE 

SLTPPOSE  I  were  a  millionaire.  Then  I  am 
wealthy,  and  my  wants  are  easily  satisfied  by 
the  expenditure  of  a  few  hundred  thousand  dol- 
lars. 

I  have  automobiles,  a  steam  yacht,  an  airship, 
and  an  estate  on  the  most  exclusive  shore  of 
some  thing.  I  also  own  enuf  stock  in  various 
enterprises,  copper  mines,  sugar  beet  factories, 
and  the  like,  to  take  a  passing  interest  in  a  certain 
page  of  our  daily  papers. 

Then  having  emulated  other  millionaires,  and 
being  possessed  of  a  complete  millionaire's  work- 
ing outfit,  I  must  rely  on  my  eccentricity  to 
provide  an  outlet  for  my  wealth.  I  cannot  invest, 
for  I  would  prosper  further,  and  besides — there 
is  the  income  tax  to  spoil  that. 

This  is  what  I  would  do.  I  would  go  to  Switzer- 
land again  (for  I  would  have  been  there  several 
times  before,  of  course).  There  among  the  rock- 
anchored  bungalows  and  piedmont  glaciers,  I 
would  seek  some  great  genius,  a  master  of  music 
box  making,  who  could  carve  a  grand  piano  out 
of  a  single  piece  of  a  certain  type  of  wood.  I 
would  have  him  experiment  in  a  new  field  of 
endeavor, — Whistling  Alarm  Clocks!!  Yes,  and 
he  would  produce  one,  too. 

I  would  pension  him,  even  to  the  third  genera- 
tion, and  with  a  load  of  Whistling  Alarm  Clock, 
which  was  worth  an  equal  weight  of  platinum 
bullion,  I  would  roll  home  on  the  steamer,  to 
Finnback-on-the  Fish,  my  butiful  summer  ex- 
travaganza, on  the  rim  of  that  water  mass,  in 
whose  placid  bosom,  it  is  a  la  mode  to  disport  in 
a  one-piece. 

Aha,  you  wonder,  why  would  I  go  to  all  that 
trouble  for  a  Whistling  Alarm  Clock  when  the 
other  kind  are  perfectly  reliable.  You  said  it. 
They  are  perfectly  reliable.  They  never  fail  to 
explode  at  the  right  inopportunity.  Neither  do 
I.  As  the  first  clang  of  the  terrible  clapper  bangs 
the  reverberant  metal,  I  wake  up  mad,  my  effici- 
ency being  reduced  about  $80.00  per  day  for  a 
week,  and  furthermore,  of  most  importance,  I 
am  dis-turbed. 

Millionaires  must  not  be  dis-turbed,  you  know, 
lest  they  be  unbalanced  and  get  to  giving  away 
money  to  charity,  and  forgetting  to  tie  a  string 
to  each  gift. 

Millionaires  have  obsessions  as  well  as  eccen- 
tricities. I  obsede  on  the  happy  days  of  my 
youth.  Another  reason  therefor  for  the  Whistling 
Alarm   Clock  is  the  desire  to  remind   me  of  the 


days  when  Pete  Murphy,  used  to  wake  me  up 
with  his  long  whistles  to  go  fishing  up  the  creek, 
or  to  borrow  my  big  double-runner.  Ah  that  was 
the  method-royal  in  which  to  be  brought  into 
the  light  of  another  day,  by  the  cheery  whistle  of 
a  chum. 

Do   you   catch   the   subtle   humor   there,    Pete 
was  always  up  earlier  than  I  but  now  he's  a 

Well  so  long  everybody,  I  must  hast  to  a 
meeting  of  the  directors  of  the  umbrella  trust. 
(Signed) 

I.  Gotthe  Coyne. 


Harry — Going  to  the  library  tonight? 
Jerry — I  don't  have  to;  I  have  a  date. 

— Orange  Peel 


A  GLOSSARY  FOR  THE  FROSH 

SMITH  College — 12c  away  from  Amherst,  12c 
back.     An   institution   exclusively   for   girls 
not  for  co-education  as  many  visitors  suppose. 

Mt.  Holyoke  College — Girls  college  running  in 
opposition  to  Smith  situated  on  the  way  to 
Dooleys. 

Town  Movies — A  slow  succession  of  pictures 
thrown  on  the  screen,  sometimes  mysteriously 
followed  by  a  fast  succession  of  brick-bats  thrown 
at  the  screen.     Public  invited. 

Town  Police  Force  (.'') — An  aggregation  of  from 
one  to  two  men  for  the  purpose  of  controlling 
angry  mobs,  promoting  the  peace  of  the  peaceful 
streets  and  for  taking  in  the  lamppost  and  the 
sidewalks  in  rainj^  weather. 

Cuts — Useful  and  invaluable  accessories  to  be 
vLsed  in  case  of  non-preparedness. 

Chem  Lab — A  pretty  reaction  formed  by  the 
combination  of  a  Kansas  barn  after  the  worst 
tornado  in  72  years  and  the  nondescript  odors  of 
a  Boston  gas  works. 

Lab  Ass't  — Indispensible  individuals  dis- 
tinguishable from  undergraduates  by  their  white 
street  cleaners  coats. 

Sophomore — A  bloodthirsty  ruffian  whose  chief 
ambition  in  life  is  to  kill  at  least  one  Frosh. 


14 


^N  O  RT  HA  M  P 1  O  NofC 


Plymouth    Inn 


0!bMASSACHUSETTS'3i? 


A     High-Class     Hotel 
desirably     located      for 

Colleoe  IPatronage 


Especially  suited  to  the 

requirements   of  tourists  on 

account    of  its    pleasant    location 


American  and  European  Plans 


Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


Observer — I  noticed  you  got  up  and  gave  that 
lady  your  seat  in  the  street  car  the  other  day. 

Observed — Since  childhood  I  have  respected  a 
woman  with  a  strap  in  her  hand. 

— Punch  Bold 


OYIK^^ 


STRAINS  EYES 

O.  T. 


Will  be  sure  to  injure  your 
eyes — increase  the  complaint 
— why  not  get  top  notch 
eye-glass  service  and  satis- 
faction by  having  us  fill  your 
needs? 

We  specialize  on  prescrip- 
tion filling — on  exactness 
and  highest  grade  work. 


Dewhurst 


Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Glasses 


201  Main  St. 
Northampton,  Mass. 


Opposite  City  Hall 
Telephone  184-W 


She — Let's  sit  dowai,  I  have  a  sprained  knee. 
He  (absently) — So  I  see. 

She   (horrified) — You   brute,   you   do   not;   I'm 
going  home. 
Exit  He. 

— Lehigh  Burr 


"Say,  Bill,  did  you  see  the  dress  on  that  girl 
who  just  passed?" 

"No,  I  didn't;  did  you?" 

— Perm  State  Froth 

Clarice — But  Jack  didn't  like  the  new  negligee 
I  wore  and  went  away  mad. 

Antoinette — The  idea  of  getting  mad  over  a 
little  thing  like  that!   What  do  men  want,  anyway? 

— Froth 


SAFETY    FIRST 

First  Boy — "What  is  this  big-brother  move- 
ment?" 

Second  Boy — "Well,  as  I  understand  it,  never 
lick  any  boy  wdio  has  a  big  brother." 


Aunt — "You'll    be   late   for    the    party,    won't 
you,  dear?" 

Niece — "Oh,    no,   auntie.     In  our  set   nobody 
goes  to  a  party  until  everybody  else  is  there." 

— Boston    Transcript 


DELICIOUS  HOME  MADE  ICE  CREAM 


FRUIT,  SYRUPS,  AND  CANDY 


COLLEGE  CANDY  KITCHEN 

We  have  the  Biggest  and  Best  varieties  and 
Fancy  dishes  in  Town.     For  private 
parties  remember  us  for  Ice 
Cream. 


OUR  ICE  CREAM  IS  SERVED  AT  AGGIE  INN  AND  M.  A.  C.  STORE 


ON  WAY  TO  POST  OFFICE 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE   BOARD  AND   PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


R.  F.  Armstrong  &  Son 

We  invite  ALL  "Aggie"  students 
upper  and  lower  classmen,  to  make 
Our  Store  your  headquarters  when 
in  Hamp.     We  carry  a  nobby  line  of 

Clothing  and  Furnishings 

For  young  men  at 

REASONABLE     PRICES 

80  Main  St., 
Northampton,    Mass. 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,       Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 

The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

Special  Luncheon  from  H. 30  to  2  P.  M. 
Meet  me  at  "DICKS" 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Sanderson  &  Thompson 

THE  HOME  OF 

Hart,  Schaflner  &  Marx  Clothes 
and  Fine  Furnishings 

PRICES  ALWAYS  REASONABLE 

SANDERSON  &  THOMPSON 
AMHERST 


Henry  Adams  Co. 
Cbe  no.  H,  C. 

Candies  and  Ices 

Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

Tht  Rexall  Store 


THE  KISSES  SHE'S  SAVING  FOR 
ME 

There's  a  little  girl  down  in  my  little 
home  town — 
I  left  her  just  two  days  ago — 

And  already  I  yearn  to  pack  up  and 
return 
And  she's  yearning  to  meet  me  I 
know. 

'Cause    back    in    our    childhood    we 
played  in  the  wildwood, 
And  I  loved  her  then  and  before — 

If  there's  aught  to  be  known  or  aught 
to  be  shown, 
This  girl  knows  it  all,   and  some 
more. 

The  tales  that  I'd  tell  to  a  gay  college 
belle 
Would  be  to  this  girl  only  jokes, 

'Cause  .she's  long  been   wise  to   th' 
ajiproximate  size 
Of  my  bankroll,   and  that   of  my 
folks. 

She  may  be  above  me,  but  she  surely 
must  love  me 
In  spite  of  the  facts, — as  you  see. 

So  here  goes  a  stein  to  that  old  girl 
of  mine. 
And  the  kisses  she's  saving  for  me. 

— Siren 


"Why     aren't     you     in     school, 
sonny? " 

''Don't  believe  in  child  labor." 

— Life 


Dealer — This  chair  will  hold  two 
in  a  squeeze. 

Fair  One  (blushing) — Send  it  out 
tonight,  please. 

—Froth 


Salesnuui  of  Patent  Bottle — Yes, 
sir,  this  bottle  will  keep  beer  cold 
for  a  week. 

Prospect — No  use  for  it  at  all. 
Once  beer  is  cold  what  jackass 
wouhl  keep  it  for  it  week? 

— Siren 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

K^dnttnj 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

iprinting— IRuling— 3Bin&ing 

Nortti  Adams,  Mass. 


CAMPION 

FINE 

TAILORING 

College    Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


Collars 

Are  made  to  give  good  service. 
The  style,  make,  durability  and 
finish  leave  nothing  to  be  desired 
even  by  those  willing  to  pay  a 
higher  price,     i,^  each  6  for  90c 


MAKERS 


TROY.  N.  Y. 


"Whao's    that    old    pedlar    over 
there!" 

"Oh,    that's   an    Economies    Prof, 
who  took  a  flyer  on  Wall  street." 

— Record 


Ike — Ven  do  you  tink  de  war  ^•ill 
be  over? 

Mike — Niver,  oi  hope.  Oi'ni  sat- 
isfied to  lave  it  in  Europe. 

— Orange  Peel 


GILMORE  THEATRE 


THE  HOME  OF  BURLESQUE 


Four  Days  Every  Week  Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE   DAILY 


Stationery,  Blank  Books  and 
Fountain  Pens 

1918-1919  and  1920 
COLLEGE  STATIONERY 
and  a  complete  line  of  diaries 

A.  J.   Hastings 

Newsdealer  and  Stationer 


Compliments  of 


E.  D.  Marsh  Estate 


STUDENT  FURNITURE 
and  CARPETS 


"I  hear  that  you've  been  looking 
up  your  family  tree." 

"Yes,  and  I  find  that  most  of  its 
branches  have  been  grafted." 

— Lampoon 


Prof. — You   are   too  literal.     You 
don't  read  between  the  lines  enough. 

It — I    can't    very    well;    it's    half 
erased! 

— Record 


Kodaks  and  Films  at  Deuel's  Drug  Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &Tilford,  Maillards, 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy  bought  here  which  is  not 

satisfactory  will  be  replaced  or 

money  returned 

VICTOR   MACHINES    AND    RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


I?  Si 


lr>^ 

J^ 

Xkl-" 

1 

VTe  haw  aKLAXQN 

for  yottr  car  [^^]  Letiw 
put  it  on  on.  trial-  -you'll 
never  let  us  tsAne  it  off 


THL^QUl 


AOVHiBtB  1916 


PRE.PAfiLDriL33 


CROYSDALE    INN 

SOUTH  HADLEY.  MASS. 

Thanksgiving  Dinner 

1     p.     M. 
TABLES  RESERVED      'Phone  2628-W  Holyoke 


Art    Editor   (to  artist  applying  for  position) — 
"And  what  have  you  drawn,  before  coming  here?' 
"Wages  sir,  but  I  should  like  a  salary." 

—  Widow 


"I  am  hunting  for  an  honest  man,"  muttered 
Diogenes,  as  he  held  up  his  lantern. 

"You're  a  fool,"  said  the  thug,  as  he  adjusted 
his  flash,  "you  won't  find  nothing  on  him." 

— California  Pelican 


Genuine  Hawaiian 

UKULELES 

Gold  Medal  1915  Exposition 

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of  their  kind.  Strictly  hand-made,  of  the  choices: 
selected,  thoroughly  seasoned  native  Koa, 

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but  get  one  of  these  genuine  Hawaiian  made 


instruments. 


Priced  from  $7  to  $20 

Write  for  Illustrated  Catalogue 


The  Ukulele  is  the  one  musical  instrument  that 
anybody  can  play  and  you  will  quickly  become 
proficient  through  the 

Bailey  Correspondence  Course  for  tlie  Ukulele 

PRICE  $5.00 

Special  offers  cu    U kitldes  for  a  limilcd  period 
Complete  course  FREE  with  each  $20.00  Ukulele 
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Complete  course  $1-75  with  each  §10.00  Ukulele 
Complete  course  S2.00  with  each  $7.00 
or  S7.50  Ukulele 
Transportation  charges  on  Ukuleles  prepaid  to 
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Ukuleles  from  S12.50  upward. 


Sherman.lMay  &  Ca 

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Largest     Distributors     of     Hawaiian     Instruments 
and  Music  in  the  World 


Every  month  have  a  copy  sent  to  her 

home  by  bringing  $1.25  to  12 

South    College 

$1 .25  'will  bring  a  Squib  to  any  home  in  U.  S.  A. 
Read  your  own  copy! 


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D  A  Y^FT  ^^                      ^^^  ^^11^^^  ^^^'s  Shop 

*^*^    *•    t^'    *^    *    *^                                                                                     179  Main  St.,      Northampton 

Clothes,  Furnishings,  Shoes,  Hats 

It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS  have  just  the 

correct  thing  in  young  men's  wear                                                                                Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 

She  (enthusiastically  gazing  over  the  fields) — 
"What  a  good  looking  valley." 

Jealous  He — ^"Oh,  that's  just  a  Freshman  that 
hauls  our  trunks." 

—Penn   Siafe  Froth 

Father — ^"Were  you  the  young  man  I  caught 
kissing  my  daughter  last  night?" 

Young  Man — "I  think  I  was  one  of  them." 

—Penn  State  Froth 

^ 

School   and    College 

lP»botograpber8 

<^j^^    (oMffl!®) 

52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 

Main  Studios:     1546-48  BROADWAY 
NEW  YORK  CITY 

First  Moth— Why  so  thin  and 
emaciated   this  spring,  brother? 

Second  Ditto — ^I  was  shut  up  all 
winter  with  a  young  lady's  bath- 
ing suit.     Not  another  bit  to  eat 
in  the  closet! 

■ — -Punch  Bold 

Bland— Hello,      Rand.     Didn't 
I  see  you  and  your  wife  at  the 
show  last  night! 

Rand — ^You  saw  me,  Bill,  but 
for  heaven's  sake  don't  ask  my 
wife  if  you  saw  her. 

• — Judge 

For  Winter  Sporting  Goods,  come  in  and  see  our 
line.     A  full  line  of  Skates,  including  college  hockey 
and  rink  skates- 

A  good  assortment  of  Hockey  Sticks 
Sleds  of  all  kinds 

And  the  best  line  of  Skiis  ever  shown  in  Amherst 

Also  all  the  straps,  harnesses  and  poles 

to  go  with  them 

The  Mutual  Plumbing  &  Heating  Co. 

35  South  Pleasant  St.,  Amherst,  Mass. 

The  price  of  collars  has  risen; 
and  as  usual  the  ultimate  con- 
sumer gets  it  in  the  neck. 

■ — Pelican 

Prof. — In    what    popolus    area 
is  a  man  not  allowed  to  vote! 
Stude— Sing  Sing. 

— Awgwan 

CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


LIFE  SAVERS 

A  DAINTY  CONFECTION 


PEP-O-MINT 
WINT-O-GREEN 
CL-O-VE 
LIC-O-RICE 


^ 


P^POMIHT 

'LIFESAVEfits' 

A  DAINTY  CONFECTION 


EVERY  GENUINE 
LIFE  SAVER 
HAS  A  HOLE  IN 
THE  CENTER 


LIFE  SAVERS 

A  DAINTY  CONFECTION 


t^. 


f  LIFE  siwrra: 


iPp^^S^mnt! 


JJ       try  ij  ^^  -Mil  I 

SSpEP-O'MiNT  a* 

§,pEP-b'Mini^5 
PfP-O-MINT  gi 
PEP-OMINJ  "^~ 

'■ji'PEP-OMjNT 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


ROSE — ^"  Where  are  you  going  tonight?' 
AHc(^-"  Lapland." 


AT  THE  DAIRY  SHOW 

AGENT— "Can  I  sell  you  a  Holstein?" 
Farmer   Jones — "Yes,    I'll   take   one   glass, 
but  not  all  froth." 


JUNIOR — "You're      getting      pretty      smutty 
lately." 
Senior — "Why    shouldn't   I,    at   present   I   am 
studying  smut  fungi." 


WINDS  do  blow 
And  we  shall  have  snow, 
And  we  must  have  a  heavier  dress, 
So  my  woolens  I've  dug  out, 
And  I'll  keep  them  about; 
For  I  believe  in  Preparedness. 


NUT— "Why  is  the  B.  &  M.  terminal  a  good 
thing  for  that  road?" 
Nutty — "Because    it's    the    beginning    of    the 
end?" 

Nut— "Oh    nonsense,    it    tells    the    B.    &    M. 
that  it  has  gone  far  enuf." 


They  Died  Game 

PINK  was  the  name  of  the  hero. 
Rose  was  the  heroine  fair. 
Eyebrow,  misplaced,  he  boasted. 
Peroxide  blond  was  her  hair. 
A  bottle  of  ink  he  tipped  over, 
Right  on  top  of  her  golden  dome 
"Enuf  villain,"   she  cried,   and   he  faltered 
"Dear  me,  I  think  nobody's  home." 
Noting  his  sorrow  she  murmured,  ;  ^ 

Endeavoring  to  save  him  distress. 
See,  in  my  bag  another  bottle  of  bleach. 
Saved !  by  Preparedness ! 

s 

PREPAREDNESS 

C'IRST     Stew. — -"Jones    fooled    his    wife    last 

■*■        night  and_came  in  the  house  without  her 

knowing  it." 

Second  Stew. — "How  did  he  do  it?" 

First   Stew. — -"He   walked   up   the  front  steps 

with  the  milkman." 

s 

A  FRESHMAN   ran    out   of   the    cattle    barn; 
Tho   excited,   he   managed   to   stutter: 
"The  Jersey  has  swallowed  a  rabbit,  John. 
Do  you  think  there'll  be  hare  in  the  butter?" 


THEY  say  Bill  fell  into  a  whiskey  vat  and 
was  drowned." 
"Yes,  but  then  he  died  in  good  spirits." 


-THE    SQUIB- 


AIN'T  IT  HELL? 

STUD. — "How  do  you  know  we  are  in  hell?" 
Prof. — -"Never  before  have  I  gone  in  public 
without  being  clothed." 


A  HIGH  BROW 

SHE— "Why  do  they  call  Tom  a  high  brow?" 
He — -"Because  he  always  exclaims,  '  Lo, 
the  beautiful  Maiden",  when  he  really  means, 
'Pipe  de  chicken'." 


INDOOR  SPORTS 

¥JE — "Why  is  a  plumber  always  happy  when 
*  *     he  sees  the  first  signs  of  ice?" 

She — "Because     his     indoor     sports     are     just 
commencing." 


CULTIVATION 

WHY  do  you    consider  a  Chinaman  similar 
to  a  farmer?" 
"Because  he  is  a  cultivator  of  the  soil." 

s 

PENETRABLE 

HE — "That  dress  that  your  girl  wore  at  the 
informal  was  similar  to  a  piece  of  window 
glass." 

The  other — "What  do  you  mean?" 

He — "Why,    you   could    see   right   thru   it." 

s 

NIC — ^"How  did  you  manage  to  convince  your 
fiance  that  you  couldn't  aft'ord  to  keep  an 
auto?" 

Hie — "Pure  luck.  She  got  some  spots  on  her 
skirt  and  bought  a  gallon  of  gasoline  to  remove 
them." 


SHE — "Do    you    remember,    dear,    what    hap- 
pened two  years  ago  today?" 
He   (thinking  hard) — "It  wasn't  our  wedding- 
day,  was  it?" 
She — "No,  you  bought  me  a  new  hat." 

s 

SONNET  TO  A  PADDED  BOY 

By  a  delirious  sophomore 

WHEN   Stearns,   the  deacon,   had  within  his 
coat 

A  pillow  tucked,  his  belly  to  expand 
And  also  to  protect,  and  then  his  hand 
At  wrestling  tried,  this  artificial  bloat. 
Extending  from  his  waist  up  to  his  throat. 
Did  radiation  of  the  heat  withstand. 
And  all  the  warmth  within  his  belly  canned. 
"Oh,   gee!     I'm    hot!"   he    cried    with    plaintive 

note. 
A  little  lesson  from  this  anecdote 
I  draw:  With  thine  own  form  be  thou  content. 
Seek  not  thy  natural  figure  to  augment 
With  pads.     Thy  beauty  if  thou  must  promote. 
Thy  body  exercise  with  proper  care 
And  mold  it  to  such  form  as  it  should  bear. 


pROF — Just  imagine  with  what  feelings  Colum- 
*■  bus  cabled  home  to  Spain  that  he  had  dis- 
covered America. 


HE  sipped  the  nectar  from  her  lips 
As  'neath  the  moon  they  sat. 
And  wondered  if  mortal  man  had  'ere 
Drunk  from  a  mug  like  that. 


PREPAREDNESS 


-THE    SQUIB 


■itn'Pierjci^ 


"NOTES" 


HAROLD — "What   have   you   been   doing   the 
last  two  years?" 
Walter — "I  have  been   working   a  bank   most 
of  the  time." 

Harold — "What  were  you  doing  there?" 
Walt — "Oh  simply  shoveling  gravel." 


A  NAPKIN  ESSAY  ON  THE  HEAD  WAITER 

A  Head-waiter  is  a  piece  of  dining-room  furni- 
ture which  can  be  moved  from  place  to 
place  by  heaving  a  biscuit. 

At  every  meal  he  stands  on  end  and  keeps  one 
eye  on  the  waiters  and  the  other  on  the  cashier, 
occasionally  flicking  off  a  speck  of  dust  from 
his  left  sleeve,  and  trying  to  escape  out  of  his 
terribly  high  collar.  In  most  places  the  Head- 
waiter  shows  you  your  place,  but  in  the  hash- 
house  he  keeps  you  in  your  place.  He  frowns 
professionally  at  every  loud  noise  made  by  the 
diners,  and  receives  complaints  about  the  food 
without  any  display  of  surprise.  He  deserves 
the  Nobel  prize  for  diplomacy,  and  takes  a 
paternal  interest  in  the  collective  culinary  wel- 
fare of  the  college  man.  Implicit  trust  and 
long  standing  in  the  community  and  in  different 
corners  of  the  dining  hall  have  made  him  an 
expert  in  forecasting  elections,  menus,  etc., 
and  the  results  are  correspondingly  satisfactory 
to  all. 

Head-waiters  thrive  on  opposition  and  their 
little  private  meal  consisting  of  a  thick  steak, 
or  a  side  of  beef.  Mere  kings,  cheeses  of  police, 
and  other  petty  monarchs  are  puny  in  power 
compared  with  a  Head-waiter.  He  orders  the 
waiters  to  serve  the  meal,  he  orders  the  over- 
demonstrative  to  be  silent,  he  orders  the  waiters 
to  clear  the  tables,  and  then  when  the  bustle 
of  the  mob  mastication  is  over,  he  sits  over  in 
the  corner  and  orders  that  good  little  steak. 
W^hen  the  Head-waiter  has  nothing  else  to  do 
(except  look  important),  he  goes  over  to  the 
desk  and  talks  on  equal  terms  (almost)  with 
that  wizard  who  keeps  account  of  the  arrival 
and  departure  of  the  waiters,  and  the  per  capita 
departure   of   the   limited    supply    of   toothpicks. 

Otherwise  the  Head-waiter  has  an  easy  time, 
and  has  only  to  change  his  collar  and  press  his 
cuffs  to  be  ready  for  the  next  meal,  or  period 
of  harmless  abuse. 


THE  HASH  HOUSE  COURSE 


ALL  required. 
No  electives. 


ENGLISH    Instructor— "  Why    did    Tennyson 
write  "In  Memoriam?" 
English  Student — •"!  guess  he  couldn't  get  any 
one  else  to  write  it." 


SCIENTIFIC  TERMS  USED  AT  THE  HASH- 
HOUSE 

MOO-MOO— Milk     (also    known    as    cow). 
Goat— Butter. 
Bushes — ^Celery. 
Sinkers — ^Doughnuts. 
Again — Beans. 


-THE    SQUIB- 


-lilies  ^"  ■  ' 

AT  PLATTSBURG 

Full    of    Preparedness. 


AFTER   STRUGGLING   IN   VAIN   FOR   IN- 
SPIRATION, Nov.  27,  1916 

OH  muse,  I  know  thee  not;  no  poet  I 
In   past,   but  now  I   must  a   tliot  express 
In  verse,  in  sonnet  form.     It  must  possess 
Such  meter,  rhyme,  octave,  sestet.     Oh  fie! 
My  brain  is  blank  and  bare.     To  thee  I  cry, 
Enterpe,  or  which  ever  muse  doth  bless 
The    sonnet-scribe;    before    Thanksgiving    recess 
I  must  the  Dean's  requirement  satisfy. 
The  need  of  serious  subject  stops  my  thot. 
Sing  to  me,  muse,  thyself  select  the  theme 
And  choose  the  words.     Far  rather  would  I  write 
Ten  silly  sonnets  such  as  this,  than  scheme 
To  pass  the  course  by  trying  to  indite 
A  poem  full  of  feeling,  as  I  ought. 

{Anonymous) 


ECONOMICS 

HE — "The    savages    are    a    very    economical 
people." 
She — "Are  they  more  thrifty  than  the  Ameri- 
cans  r 

He — -"Of  course,  they  never  allow  their  tailor 
bills  to  exceed  the  cost  of  laundering  a  hand- 
kerchief." 


c 


TWO  RUBES  -a 

notices  a  sign  on  a  theater  reading,  "Fair       ^  j^AT— Why  is  a  cat  like  a  stove? 

and    Warmer"    as    he    and    his    companion       \j     Gnut— Because   they   both   have   four  legs 
.are  strolling  along  the  main  thoroughfare.     "By 
gimmini  crickets,  in  these  days  of  progress  even 
the  theaters  are  forecasting  the  weather." 


and  a  damper. 


AT  six  o'clock  I'm  still  asleep  in  bed, 
When  r-r-r-r-ring, — there  goes  the  old  alarm 
clock  bell. 
I  hurl  a  pillow  at  the  noisy  thing. 

And  gently  murmur  thru  my  teeth,  "Oh,  Hell!" 


ALL-WAYS  ,^ 

[J'ROSH — ^"Were  you  drunk  coining  back  from 

Hamp  last  night?"  A  member  of  the  Grave  diggers  Union,  after 

Soph — "No,  I  was  drunk  both  ways."  his  service  at  Plattsburg. 


-THE    SQUIB 


Miss  Sau  Sages  Advice 
To  the  Stricken 


Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

Why  do  they  only  allow  one  week's  vacation  to 
the  M.  A.  C.  students  Christmas?  I  am  madly 
in  love  with  one  of  the  students  and  would  like 
to  keep  him  home  longer  than  one  week.  How 
can  I  make  one  week  serve  as  two? 

Lydia 

Dear  Lydia: 

Blame  it  to  Mr.  Infantile  Paralysis,  250  W. 
30th  St.,  N.  Y.  City.  He  even  put  a  quaran- 
tine on  Smith.  In  order  to  make  one  week  serve 
as  two,  don't  go  to  bed  at  all,  and  by  so  doing 
you  will  eliminate  the  time  wasted  sleeping. 
If  you  petition  Congress  they  might  decide  to 
extend  the  year  of  1916  one  week. 

Dear  Miss  Sau  Cer: 

I  love  two  girls  at  Smith,  one  is  homely  but 
very  rich,  the  other  is  lovable  and  ravishingly 
beautiful.  Which  one  shall  I  continue  to  keep 
company  with? 

Carrionel 

Dear  Carrionel: 

Use  your  head,  if  you're  broke — ,  if  you're 

a   millionaire .     In   other   words,    don't   be 

a  darn  fool. 


Dear  Miss  Sau  Sage: 

My  roommate  has  been  delirious  lately.  He 
comes  home  every  night  yelling,  "In  Hoc", 
"In  Hoc".     What  does  this  expression  signify? 

I.  M.  Broke 


Dear  I.  M.  Broke: 

It  shows  that  he  has  been  conquered  by  the 
sign  of  the  hock-shop.  Beware  he  will  use  an 
imperative  sentence,  namely,  "Lend  me  two 
dollars." 


Dear  Miss  Sausage: 

We  have  a  pet  cat  which  we  admire  greatly, 
but  fleas  like  him  better  than  we  do.  How  can 
we  get  rid  of  the  fleas? 

Flea 


Dear  Flea-flea: 

Secure  the  services  of  some  Entymology  stu- 
dent who  will  be  glad  to  remove  the  rare  speci- 
mens. If  he  hasn't  enuf  space  in  his  potassium 
cyanide  bottles,  turn  your  attention  to  Mr. 
Wilcox,  the  director  of  the  Wilcox  Parasite 
Destroyer  Corporation. 


Dear  Miss  Sage: 

My  husband  works  on  a  lemon  farm  and  every 
night  he  brings  home  lemons  which  he  steals. 
At  present  the  parlor  is  filled  with  lemons.  Since 
I  can't  use  all  the  lemons  at  one  time,  how  can 
I  reduce  the  amount  of  space  they  take  up  and 
at  the  same  time  preserve  their  usefulness? 

Lemon 


Dear  Miss  Sau  Dust: 

I  am  a  great  lover  of  onions  and  also  a  lover 
of  a  Smith  girl.  Of  course  these  two  chemical 
affinities  do  not  combine  well  together.  How 
can  I  still  keep  on  eating  onions  and  at  the  same 
time  retain  the  affection  of  the  girl? 

Onionist 


Dear  Mrs.  Lemon: 

Squeeze  them  and  put  the  juice  in  milk 
bottles.  DON'T  put  the  juice  in  disregarded 
whiskey  flasks  unless  your  husband's  life  is  well 
insured. 


Dear  Onionist: 

You're  in  hard  luck.  I  would  advise  you  to 
carry  a  package  of  "Life  Savers".  In  these 
times  they  are  feeding  the  baby  "Life  Savers" 
to  find  him  in  the  dark. 


-THE    SQUIB 


FOOTBALL     EXPRESSIONS 


SECOND  DOWN  FIVE  TO  GO 


TAKE  THE  PENALTY? 


HELD  FOR  DOWNS 


PREPAREDNESS 


k. 


A«Llfe-^VEC" 


Editorial  Staff 
L.  C.  HIGGINS  '18 
I.  W.  INGALLS  '18 
H.  B.  PEIRSON  '19 

$1.25  A  YEAR 


Art  Staff 
F.  K.  BAKER  '18 
W.  A.  HATHAWAY  '19 


Business  Manager 
A.  BOOTH  '17 


Asst.  Business  Mgr. 
A.  J.  WING  '19 


'QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE" 


15  CENTS  A  COPY 


All  contributions  should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor-in-Chief.  They  will  be  given  credit 
in  the  annual  elections  to  the  board.  Business  communications  should  be  addressed  to  the 
Business  Manager  12  South  College. 

Entered  as  second-class  matter  January  SI,  1916  at  the  post  office  at  Amherst,  Mass. 


Vol.  III. 


NOVEMBER,   1916 


No.  2 


irn^' 


HERE  was  more  truth  than  poetry 
in  Trustee  Gleason's  statement  be- 
fore the  Investigating  Commission  in 
Boston,  November  9,  in  which  he 
defended  the  entrance  requirements 
of  the  College,  saying  that  the  boys 
who  entered  should  be  fitted  for  a 
college  course,  and  that  the  college 
should  not  be  regarded  as  a  farm 
school.  There  are  no  two  sides  to 
the  PREPAREDNESS  question  when 
it  comes  to  determining  whether  a  boy 
is  prepared  to  enter  M.  A.  C.  Either 
he  is,  or  he  is  not,  and  we  are  with 
Mr.     Gleason    in    his    plea    that    the 


10 


-THE    SQUIB 


entrance  requirements  should  not  be  lowered.  Anj^  prospective  student  at  M.  A.  C.  should  be  pre- 
pared to  carry  the  work  of  the  College.  If  he  has  been  fortunate  enough  to  enjoy  the  privileges 
of  a  first-rate  high  school,  he  should  be  able  to  carry  the  work  of  this  College.  If  he  has  not  had  excep- 
tionally good  opportunities  to  prepare  himself,  then  he  should  not  be  granted  the  privilege  of  enter- 
ing until  he  can  satisfy  the  entrance  requirements  by  examination.  Too  many  young  men  enter 
College  totally  unfit  to  pursue  college  studies,  and  their  time  and  the  time  of  the  college,  spent  in 
discovering  the  fact  that  they  are  unfit,  might  better  be  spent  in  other  efforts.  They  might  be  spared 
the  pain  and  disappointment  of  having  the  privileges  of  the  college  withdrawn.  The  entrance  re- 
quirements are  not  too  high.  What  we  want  is  PREPAREDNESS  on  the  part  of  the  college  man- 
to-be,  rather  than  a  lower  standard  for  entrance. 


RE  you  prepared,  Mr.  Aggie  Man,  to  enjoj^  the  privileges  of  new  dormitories.''  Are 
you  prepared  to  maintain  a  dormitory  home  in  a  quiet,  respectable,  and  studious 
manner?  The  question  becomes  pertinent  in  the  light  of  the  exceptionally  intense 
political  feeling  that  this  fall  has  given  vent  to  midnight  inter-dormitory  "serenades". 
And  because  this  political  feeling  has  been  intense  and  unusual,  Squibby  is  inclined 
to  look  at  the  matter  in  a  rather  lenient  way  and  say  that  you  are  prepared.  How- 
ever, the  discharge  of  firearms  out  of  the  windows  is  not  recognized  by  Hoyle  as  the  proper  way  to 
express  feeling  and  enthusiasm.  Neither  does  it  typify  preparedness.  It  may  be  a  perverted  form 
of  patriotism  which  the  clear  thinking  man  cannot  tolerate.  Think  before  you  act — then  we  can 
believe  that  you  are  prepared  to  have  more  dormitories. 


CONTRIBUTERS 
ART 

Bunker  '20 
Webster  '20 
Campbell  '.... 


TO  THIS  ISSUE 

EDITORIAL 
Dixon  '20 
Oppe  '20 


11 


THE      SQUIB 


PREPAREDNESS 

Mixing  Drinks 

s 

HAVE  you  noticed  the  decrease  in  the  good 
openings  for  far  sighted  young  men?" 
"What  is  the  cause  of  the  decrease?" 
"There  are  no  slit  skirts  today." 


MRS.    Jones — "Are    you    on    speaking    terms 
with  our  new  neighbor?" 
Mrs.    Burk— "Of   course   I    am!     Yesterday    I 
called  her  a  flirt,   and  she  called   me  a  gossip." 


THE  Herrick  School  is  being  investigated 
because  a  Mr.  Nutt  felt  like  crabbing  and 
wanted  to  appear  in  public  as  a  wise  guy?  He 
says  that  the  exit  exams  are  too  easy,  that  there 
are  some  students  there  who  are  right  in  their 
mind,  and  are  therefore  out  of  place.  He  also 
asserts  that  some  of  the  nurses  act  sanely  and 
thus  give  bad  example  to  the  inmates. 

He  also  thinks  there  should  be  more  practical 
work  done,  and  more  extension  work  given  to 
outsiders.  Melly  Craves,  whom  Mr.  Nutt  has 
hired  to  appear  at  all  the  hearings  and  testify 
against  the  school,  said  that  he  had  noticed  one 
student  on  several  occasions  and  said  student 
had  neither  tried  to  fly  thru  a  drug  store  window 
nor  called  down  a  chimney  to  play  tag  with 
him.  This  indicated  that  there  are  some  stu- 
dents in  the  school  who  are  not  entitled  to  treat- 
ment, and  should  be  in  a  regular  jail  if  they  did 
something,    or   in    college    if   they    are   harmless. 

The  exit  exams,  Mr.  Nutt  swears,  are  so  easy 
that  the  inmates  just  act  natural  and  get  their 
graduation  and  degree  of  S.  A.  (which  means 
"almost  sane".)  Several  aluminumni  defending 
their  arma  marta  testified  that  they  stayed  up 
nights  for  two  weeks  to  pass  the  exams  that 
would  permit  them  to  go  to  movies  alone,  and 
smoke  borrowed  meccas  like  other  people.  One 
ex-inmate  said  that  he  left  before  graduation 
because  one  of  the  nurses  insisted,  with  tears 
in  one  of  her  eyes,  that  he  eat  animal  crackers, 
and  play  all  day  long  with  a  rag  doll. 

The  faculty  have  imported  secretly  several 
college  students  so  that  the  probers  may  find 
at  least  a  few  who  are  deserving  of  the  school's 
valuable  treatment. 

The  mere  fact  that  one  inmate  was  severely 
reprimanded  for  attempting  to  solve  a  problem 
in  Kimball's  Physics  proves  that  the  school  is 
living  up  to  its  ideal  of  keeping  the  boys  dippy, 
and  the  school  certainly  has  its  hands  full  in 
doing  this  job  without  giving  treatment  to  college 
freshmen  and  others  who  might  be  benefitted 
by  such  care  as  the  inmates  receive. 

The  next  meeting  will  be  held  at  the  Pre- 
varicaters  Club  of  Coldbrook  to  study  the  prob- 
lem of  co-education  of  imbeciles,  or  "How  to 
make  that  backward  boy  jump". 


THEY  say  that  Jones  has  water  on  his  knee." 
"What  is  he  going  to  do  about  it?" 
"The    doctor    advised    him    to    wear    pumps." 


12 


THE    SQUIB- 


faded 
Beauty 


K^^T>^ 


I   SEE    by   the   papers   that   thej^   are   going   to 
make  and  sell  ice  cream  at  Aggie  this  year. 
What    of    it?     Don't    they    have    college    ice 
on  the  pond  every  year? 


JUDGE— "How  old  are  you?" 
Witness   (a  woman) — "Don't  know." 
Judge — ^"But  when  were  you  born?" 
Witness — AVhy?     Are   you    going    to    send    me 
a  present  on  my  birthday?" 


SHE — "How    is    business    done    at    the    stock 
exchange?" 
He — "Very   simple.     I   pay   for    something   or 
other    which    I    don't    get    with    money    I    don't 
have,  and  then  I  sell  that  which  I  never  had  for 
a  great  deal  more  than  it  ever  cost." 


TTEACHER— "Can    anyone    tell 
*■       even  higher  than  the  king?" 
Pupil— "The  Ace." 


what 


'  I  'HERE  was  a  young  giri  named  Maria 
*       Who  had  a  kid  brother,  Josiah 
One  day,  unawares, 
On  the  front  parlor  stairs 
He  put  a  small  piece  of  barbed  wire. 
His  sister  came  down. 
In  a  new  morning  gown, — 
I  think  it's  not  best, 
I  should  tell  you  the  rest, 
But  the  flags  are  half  mast  in  Ohio. 


THERE  was  a  small  city  called  Hamp, 
Wherein  the  Smith  students  do  camp. 
And  the  boys  from  old  Aggie 
Visit  Jane,  Ruth,  and  Maggie, 
By  the  light  of  tlie  pink  parlor  lamp. 


FOOTBALL  EXPRESSION 

"Recovering  a  fumble." 

s 

THERE  was  a  she,  likewise  a  he, 
Who  sat  beneath  a  chestnut  tree. 
He  hugged  her,  kissed  her,  and  caressed  her 
'Til  the  tree  fell  on  his  chest  protector. 


'  I  'HE  sick  doctor — "When  I  am  dead  I  want 
*       a  careful  autopsy  made.     Observe  the  liver 
especially — it   will   interest   me   greatly   to   know 
what  really  is  the  matter  with  it." 


B 


OANE — What    is    the    difference    between    a 
dog  and  a  bee-hive? 
Hedde — Fleas  take  bites  from  one;  bees  take 
flights  from  the  other. 


"TEDDY  R's  Trainer— Why  don't  you  hit  me? 
*       Stud — For  every  action  there   is    an^equal 
and  opposite  reaction. 


13 


•THE    SQUIB- 


PREPAREDNESS  WORKS  OVERTIME  AT  THE  HASH  HOUSE 


'  I  'O  parallel  the  craze  for  sheepskin  coats  we 
*  expect  that  the  fellows  will  soon  appear  in 
rural  attire  thruout,  heavy  cap  with  earlaps 
folded  around  it,  old-fashioned  muffler,  red 
mittens,  and  felt  boots.  Of  course  straws  will 
be  provided  for  these  ruralists  instead  of  the 
usual  hash-house  toothpicks. 


1st  Stud — ^"Is  it  really  true  that  your  uncle, 
the  well-known  physician,  can  give  an  immediate 
diagnosis  on  a  case?" 

•^d  Stud — "Absolutely  true.  The  last  time 
that  I  visited  him  I  hadn't  been  there  ten  minutes 
before  he  gave  me  a  twenty  dollar  bill." 


You  ask   me   to   be  lenient 
ninth   time   that   you   have 


JUDGE— "What! 
and  this  is  the 
been  arrested  for  the  same  offense!" 

Prisoner — "Yes    your    honor,    I    thought    you 
might  treat  me  like  a  good  customer." 

14 


ELEGY  WRITTEN  AT  THE  AGGIE  DEAN'S 

BOARD 
TPHE  freshman  proudly  wears  his  pea-green  cap, 
^       His  drill  suit  he  is  very  proud  to  show; 
But  on  Dean's  Saturday  there  comes  a  rap. 
In  ALGEBRA  and  FRENCH  he  finds  he's  low. 

The  sophomore  has  nerve  and  "bull"  aplenty — 
At  bull-dozing  the  freshmen  he's  not  slow; 

And  yet  we  see  he's  on  a  par  with  '20, 

For  "Billy's"  PHYSICS  knocked  him  cold 
as  snow. 

The  junior  heli^s  the  verdant  freshmen  out; 

(The   freshmen    who,    they    say,    are    green    as 
grass) 
He's  very  wise  and  dignified,  no  doubt? 

Look  on  the  board.     His  CHEM  he  didn't  pass. 

The  senior  gaily  wends  his  way  to  Smith, 

With  lordly  mein  and  bearing  proud  as  Nero; 

His  active  bi-ain  is  full  of  useful  pith, 
Altho  in  DAIRYING  he  pulled  a  0. 

So,  as  we  stagger  thru  our  college  life, 

And  try  our  best  some  learning  wise  to  hoard; 

Despite  our  daily  struggles,  weekly  strife, 

We  find  our  names  upon  the  dear  old  board. 


-THE    SQUIB- 


UN  PREPARED 
S 

"I  wonder  if  they   know   that  he   is   living?" 
■'You  would  think  so  if  you  saw  the  bills  he 
sends  home  every  week." 


FACIAL  BEAUTY 

DOOR — ^"She    has    an    interesting    face,    don't 
you  think?" 
Sill — '"Rather  a  plain  knocker." 


THE  BALLAD  OF  THE  THREE  DRAGONS 

List  to  my  plaintive  ditty, 

Give  ear  to  my  mournful  lay 

For  I  sing  of  a  white  washed  building 

That  isn't  so  far  away! 

It  stands  at  one  end  of  the  Campus 
And  sorrow  and  woe  betide 
The  innocent,  guileless  student 
Who  chances  to  venture  inside! 

Within  it  reside  the  Three  Dragons 
Who  lambast  you  over  the  bean 
And  soak  you  with  physics  problems, — ■ 
From  books  that  you  never  have  seen! 

One  of  these  Dragons  is  lengthy — 
Yes,  lengthy  and  lean  and  lank, — 
With  a  mind  both  kindly  and  learned 
But  a  form  like  a  seven  foot  plank. 

Another  is  skinny  and  stubby 
With  glasses  that  help  him  to  see 
Where  to  slap  the  red  ink  on  the  lab.  work 
Or  pass  out  an  infrequent  "B". 

Over  them  stands  the  Head  Dragon 

With  a  roaring  voice  and  a  grin; 

His  "Rub  it  out"  sounds  like  the  death  trump, — 

But  it  covers  a  warm  heart  within! 

And  so  the  Sophomores  worry, — 
Their  marks  are  most  fearfully  bent, — 
The  height  of  tlieir  earthly  ambition 
Is  landing  that  sixty  per  cent! 


LAWYER— "Well  doctor,  I  noticed  that  you 
didn't  vote  at  the  last  election.  You  ought 
to  be  ashamed  to  go  back  on  your  party  like 
that." 

Doctor — "I  did  a  lot  more  for  the  cause  than 
you.  I  forbade  ten  patients  of  the  other  party 
to  leave  the  house  that  day." 


DO  TELL 

'O  the  lawyer  lost  his  case?" 

'     "Yes,  but  they  were  all  empties." 


THE  juniors  are  afraid  tlie  bloke  will  use 
those  searchlights  for  drill,  seeing  a  possi- 
bility of  training  them  in  the  night  attack.  AVire- 
cutters  would  then  be  in  demand  on  the  campus. 


15 


THE    SQUIB- 


RECENT  BULLETINS  BY  THE  CO-ED 
EXPERIMENT  STATION 

9786978.  The  Agronomics  of  the  Twin  Cocoa- 
nut,    (or  "20  years  with  the  Bkishing  Carrot). 

9786979.  Fannie  Lucile's  Hot-house  Angoras, 
or  The  struggles  of  a  toothpick  magnate  with 
his  new  granoHthic  piano. 

Announcement:  The  committee  on  coifi'ures 
and  fudge  acknowledge  the  donation  of  a  pretty 
bag  of  Peruvian  Guano  to  the  promiscuous  rouge 
fund. 


1st  Frosh — "Jack  has  got  an   awful  cold   seat 
in  chapel." 

■Jd  Frosh— "How's  that?" 
1st  Frosh — "He  sits  in  Z  row." 


Take — -"I  .see   Ignatz  is  studying  forestry." 
Em — "But  why  forestry   when   he  intends   to 
take  up  manufacturing?" 

Out — "Shoe-trees,  my  boy,  shoe-trees!" 

— Widoiv 


THE  VISION 

OUT  from  the  lighted  windows  of  South  Col- 
lege float  the  dainty  voices  of  Aggie's  flock 
of  frolicsome  females;  from  behind  the  lace  curtains 
of  North  peer  their  fairy  features;  from  Draper 
ring  their  joyous  shouts  and  laughter.  But  what 
is  this, — from  the  commodious  barn  beyond  the 
Chapel  comes  the  hum  of  men's  voices;  above 
the  rumble  of  the  Power  Plant  machinery  the 
Sophomores  hold  their  clinic  over  the  mangled 
remains  of  the  long  suffering  Hegner's  Intro- 
duction; from  the  roof  of  the  Chem.  Lab.  resound 
the    stentorian    snores    of    the    sleeping    Seniors. 

And  you  dare  to  inquire  why  the  men  of  Aggie 
thus  bunk  on  a  pile  of  rotten  boards,  con  their 
lessons  to  the  soothing  accompaniment  of  a 
steam  turbine  and  foregather  in  the  Drill  Hall? 
The  reason  is  not  far  to  seek,  for,  from  near  and 
far  they  come  to  us,  invade  our  most  sacred 
precincts,  scatter  hair  pins  about  the  Campus 
walks  and  taint  the  air  with  the  perfumes  of 
violet  and  rose, — the  army  of  the  co-eds. 

Men  of  Aggie,  such  is  the  outlook  for  the 
future!  Ye  must  prepare!  Learn  to  study  on 
Wednesday  afternoons  when  the  band  turns 
the  Social  Union  into  a  chamber  of  horrors; 
practice  sleeping  on  the  soft  side  of  a  stone 
step;  for  know  ye  that  the  State  is  poor,  that 
dorms,  are  expensive,  and  that  the  co-eds  in- 
crease   in    numbers.     Prepare    for    the    worst! 


16 


^NORTHAMPTON"^ 


Plymouth   Inn 


^MASSACHUSETTS'!!^ 


A     High  -  Class     Hotel 
desirably     located      for 

Colleoe  patronage 


Especially  suited  to  the 

requirements   of  tourists  on 

account    of  its    pleasant    location 


American  and  European  Plans 


Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


F.  Stude — "Did  you  ever  see  the  bad-lands?" 
See.    Stude — "No,    but   I've   seen   the   Alumni 
Field  Tennis  courts." 

— Widoiv 


OVERTIME 


STRAINS  EYES 

0.  T. 


Will  be  sure  to  injure  your 
eyes — increase  the  complaint 
— why  not  get  top  notch 
eye-glass  service  and  satis- 
faction by  having  us  fill  your 
needs? 

We  specialize  on  prescrip- 
tion filling — on  exactness 
and  highest  grade  work. 


Dewhurst 


Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Glasses 


201  Main  St. 
Northampton,  Mass. 


Opposite  City  HaU 
Telephone  184-W 


TROT  OUT  THE  TRIPE 

"And  where  is  your  daughter,   Mrs.   Smith?" 
"Oh,   she's   been   away   nigh   on   to   six   weeks 

to  a  boarding  school." 

"Land  sakes,   whatever  put  it  in  t'   her  head 

to  study  sich  stuff  as  that?" 

— Sun  Dial 


R.    F.   Armstrong    &    Son 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 

Holeproof    Hose 

Guaranteed  no  darning;  just  right  for 
College  Men 

25     Cents    a    Pair 


The  Elms  Restaurant 

Where    Quality    and  Quantity   Dwell 

Try  our  dinner  and  supper  specials 

E.     G.     DILL,     Prop. 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


DELICIOUS  HOME  MADE  ICE  CREAM 


FRUIT,  SYRUPS,  AND  CANDY 


COLLEGE  CANDY  KITCHEN 

We     have     the     Biggest     and     Best     varieties     of     Superfine 
Candies  for  Superfine  Times 

HOT  CHOCOLATE  WITH  WHIPPED  CREAM 


OUR  ICE  CREAM  IS  SERVED  AT  AGGIE  INN  AND  M.  A.  C.  STORE 


ON  WAY  TO  POST  OFFICE 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND   PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


BECKMANN'S 

Always  for  the  best 

Candies  & 
Ice   Cream 

247-249  Main  Street 
Northampton 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,       Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 

The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

Special  Luncheon  from  U.SO  to  2  P.  M. 
Meet  me  at  "DICKS" 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Sanderson  &  Thompson 

the  home  of 

Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  Clothes 
and  Fine  Furnishings 

PRICES  ALWAYS  REASONABLE 

SANDERSON  &  THOMPSON 
AMHERST 


Henry  Adams  Co. 
Cbe  fiD.  H.  a. 
Druggists     ^ 

Candies  and  Ices 

Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 


Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served 

in  the  most  modern 

manner  at  the 


COLONIAL  INN 


At  the  Entrance  to  the  campus 


Judge — Gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
We  hold  that  according  to  the 
evidence  you  are  bound  to  believe 
that  which  you  consider  to  be 
true. 

■ — ■Awswan 


John — ^What  makes  your  hands 
so  soft! 

Yahn — I  sleep  with  my  gloves 
on. 

John — ^You    must    sleep    with 
your  hat  on,  too. 

— Awpwan 


"Is  there  an  opening  here  for  a 
bright,  energetic  young  man!" 
"Yes;  an'  close  it  as  you  go  out." 

• — Judge 


"Papa  disgraced  me  again  last 
evening." 

"Yes,  of  course — ^what  did  he 
do!" 

"He  missed  count  and  finished 
dinner  with  two  knives  and  a 
fork  left  over." 

• — Pelican 


I  have  renewed  Aggie    Men's    Soles 
for  the  Past  Ten  Years. 

HOW    IS    YOUR    SOLE? 

Better  let  GINSBURG  fix  your  soles 

J.  Ginsburg 

SHOE    REPAIRING 

U  1-2  Amity  St. 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

B^rinttng 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printino— IRuIing— BinMng 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


CAMPION 


FINE 

TAILORING 

College   Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 


GIVE   THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


College  Engravers 

With— 

The  Desire  to  Please 

The  Facihties  to  Accommodate 

The  Experience  to  Suggest 

Briefly: 

Quality  and  Service 
For  those  Desiring  Good  Cuts 

May  we  hear  from  you? 

Howard- Wesson  Company 

College  Engravers 
Worcester,    Massachusetts 

Phone  Connection 

Mandolins,  Guitars  and  Musical  Merchandise 

Milton    O.     Wicks 

Maker,  Collector  and  Repairer  of  Fiddles,  Etc. 

Dealer  in 

Hawaiian  Ukuleles,  Steel  Guitars  &,  Accessories 

Plaza  Theatre  Building 
51  Pleasant  St.,                               Northampton,  Mass. 

Compliments  of 

E.  D.  Marsh  Estate 

STUDENT  FURNITURE 
and  CARPETS 

Dealer — -"This  chair  will  hold  two  in  a  squeeze." 
Fair  One  (blushing) — '"Send  it  out  by  tonight." 

— Penn  State  Froth 

"The  rain  broke  up  the  preparedness  parade, 
didn't  it?" 

"Yes.     Nobody  thought  to  bring  an  umbrella." 

— Lampoon 

Friend— "Did   the   doctor   tell   you   what   you 
had?" 

Sick  One — -"No,  but  he  took  what  I  had  with- 
out telling  me." 

—Penn  State  Froth 

SOME  CLOTHES  LINE 
Her — I  like  your  clothes,  Seetums. 
Hee — AVell,  dear,  I  can  get  closer. 

— Aivgwan 

GILMORE  THEATRE 

THE  HOME  OF  BURLESQUE 

Four  Days  Every  Weeli  Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE   DAILY 

Kodaks  and  Films  at  Deuel's  Drug  Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &TiIford,  MaiUards, 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy  bought  here  which  is  not 

satisfactory  will  be  replaced  or 

money  returned 

VICTOR  MACHINES    AND   RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 

GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


Berwick 

2!'2  inchei 


COLLARS 

Curve  cut  to  fit  over 
the  bones  and  mus- 
cles of  the  shoulder. 
Means  greater  com- 
fort and  at  the  same 


Talbot 

2H  inches 


time  improves  the 
sit   of   the   collar. 

It  is  an  exclusive  Arrow  feature 

15  c  each     6  for  90c 

CLUETT,  PEABODY  &  Co.  INC. 
Makers  Troy,  New  York,  U.  S.  A. 


DECEMBtR 


1    9     1 


College  Engravers 


With- 


The  Desire  to  Please 

The  Facilities  to  Accommodate 

The  Experience  to  Suggest 


Briefly: 

Quality  and  Service 
For  tliose  Desiring  Good  Cuts 

May  we  liear  from  you? 

Howard- Wesson  Company 

College  Engravers 
Worcester,    Massacliusetts 


Advertising  Chats 


Do  you  realize  that  the  fifteen  cents  you 
paid  for  this  number  is  just  about  one  half 
of  its  individual  publishing  cost. 

The  men  who  bought  space  in  the  Squib 
are  the  ones  who  paid  the  rest. 

Just  as  a  courtesy  to  them,  next  time 
you  have  occasion  to  purchase  something 
give  them  a  chance  to  show  you  what 
they  have  to  offer. 

They  will  appreciate  it  too,  if  you  just 
mention  that  you  noticed  their  ad  in  the 
Squib. 


Squibby  takes  this  opportunity  to  wish  all  its 
advertisers  and  supporters  a  Very  Merry  Christ- 
mas and  may  your  next  year  be  even  more 
prosperous  than  the  one  just  past. 


■"You  know  McTavish,  the  Scotch  comedian?" 
"Well,  what  al)out  him?" 

"Well,    they    say    that    he   can't    take    off    the 
Scotch  unless  lie  has  taken  some  on." 

— J  acl'-o' -Lantern 


She — Do  you  believe  in  long-  engagements? 
He — Indeed  I  do.     A  couple  should  be  happy 
just  ;is  long  as  they  f)ossibly  can. 

— Gargoyle 


"  \\  hen  is  a  tie  not  a  tie?" 

"Shoot." 

"When  it  becomes  vour  roommate." 


— Record 


He — My  cigars  are  my  best  friends. 
Him — You  never  give  any  of  your  friends  away, 
do  you? 

— Pelican 


GILMORE  THEATRE 

THE  HOME  OF  BURLESQUE 


Four  Days  Every  Week  Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE   DAILY 


Kodaks  and  Films  at  Deuel's  Drug  Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &Tilford,  Mai  Hards, 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy  bought  here  which  is  not 

satisfactory  will  be  replaced  or 

money  returned 

VICTOR   MACHINES    AND    RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 


GIVE    THESP:  MERCHANTS  a  CHANCE 


THEY  searched  his  trousers 
While  he  slept 
They  found  a  note 
And  then  they  left. 

The  note  was  not 
An  "X"  or  "V". 
The  note  was  signed 
"To  F.  C.  Kenny". 


A  HINT  FOR  THE  THIN 
rUMP  out  of  the  attic  window  and  you'll 
come  down  plump. 


PEN— "Will  eraser  tomorrow?" 
Pencil — ^"No,  he  is  afraid  he  will  blotter 
last  record." 


"CO  you  went  to  Missouri  to  be  shown?" 

^     "Oh,  no,  I  went  to  a  burlesque  show 
last  week." 


'P"ALMER 
M"E"LICAN 
"P"ERRY 


CUSTOMER— "You    keep    everything    for 
the  violin  here?" 
Clerk— "Yes  Sir." 
Customer — "Give  me  a  stick  of  dynamite." 

s 

NOABARDY — There   were   some   hicks   in 
the  physical  director's  office  last  night. 
Holme — ^That's   nothing.     I   saw  a   Curry 
comb  in  there  once. 

s 

"VrOU  ought  to  see  my  new  typewriter." 
*       "Second-hand ?" 
"No,  a  Smith  College  girl." 

s 

OOBE — ^Why   is    a    country   road    like    a 
soldier's  ammunition  box? 
Roobe — Because  it's  full  of  cart  ridges. 


B 


THE    SQUIB 


M.WE-BlTeK*' 


A  LITTLE  STUDY  IN  EXPRESSION 

(In  front  of  the  Dean's  Board) 
Find  the  student  who  isn't  on. 


HAROLD — "Cheer    up,    they    say    money 
grows  on  bushes." 
Edward — ^"I  wish  you  could  tell  me  what 
kind  of  a  bush." 

Harold — "Well,  I  think  it  is  some  variety 
of  mint." 


YOU'RE  sure  you  love  me  for  what  I  am?" 
Asked  a  gay  old  maid  of  a  bright  young 
man. 
"Ah  promise  Ah  will  faithful  be, 
To  you  and  not  the  legacy." 


7IRST  FROSH— I  am  leaving  because  the 

board  don't  agree  with  me. 
Second  Ditto — What,  hash  house? 
First  Frosh — No,  Dean's. 


SOON  comes  the  longed  for  holidays 
The  time  of  joy  and  joke; 
When  we  must  tell  our  families 
In  gentle  tones:  "I'm  broke." 

We  think  about  the  by-gone  weeks 
How  busily  they  were  spent; 
Alas  for  our  lean  pocketbooks 
Which  lack  a  single  cent. 

The  mater  says,  "Cold  weather,  John." 
You  softly  gargle:  "Ain't  it?" 
And  wonder  if  those  London  Lifes 
Your  fragrant  breath  have  tainted. 

s 

PREPAREDNESS 

THERE  have  been  many  inquiries  as  to  what 
was  done  with  the  post-holes  on  Alumni 
Field  since  the  closing  of  the  football  season. 
We  hereby  beg  to  announce  that  the  Post  Hole 
Storage  Company,  Inc.,  has  contracted  to  store 
them  until  next  year.  The  post-holes  have 
been  carefully  dug  up,  packed  in  excelsior  lined 
boxes,  and  stored  in  our  new  air-tight,  water- 
tight, frost-proof  warehouse.  We  guarantee  to 
return  the  post-holes  next  season  absolutely  in 
A  No.  1  condition,  free  from  all  frost  cracks, 
warps,  etc. 

Respectfully  submitted. 

The  Post  Hole  Company,  Inc. 

Ima  Knutt 
President. 


"T^HE  domestic  hen,"  said  the  zoologist,  "has 
*      lost    the    power    of    flying.     Never    again 

will  the  species  darken  the  morning  sky." 

"Aw,  .shut  up,"  said  the  consumer,  "eggs  are 

way  up  in  the  air  and  some  of  them  might  hatch 

out.     Science  can  do  anything." 


N 


THE  LULU  BIRD  SAYS 

O  wonder  you  feel  scrappy  when  you  are 
all  cut  up. 


WHAT  do  you  want  in  your  stocking.-''"  the 
butcher  said  to  the  cop. 
"I  can  think  of  nothing  better,"  said  the  copper, 

than  a  choiJ." 
"And  what  would  you  desire  to  find,  O  butcher," 

said  the  cop. 
"I'd  like  to  find  your  money,"  said  the  chopper, 
"for  the  chop." 

s 


-J. 


CONTRIBUTORS  TO  THIS  ISSUE 

Campbell  Dixon  '20 


Jones '20 


Webster  '20 


PEP"  PERSONIFIED 


EP  as  a  By-Product"  might  be  taken  by  a  Billy  Sunday  as 
the  text  of  a  sermon  to  be  preached  to  college  men.  "By- 
product" in  its  primary  sense  is  a  secondary  product 
made  from  what  would  otherwise  be  the  waste  of  a  manu- 
facturing enterprise.  In  a  broader  sense,  it  is  anything 
secondary  to  a  more  important  thing.  PEP  as  a  by- 
product of  the  college  man's  life  should  be  secondary 
to  the  greater  purpose  for  which  the  boy  enters  college. 
By  that  we  do  not  mean  that  the  college  student  should 
continually  delve  in  the  hidden  mysteries  of  locked  knowl- 
edge, but  that  PEP  should  not  be  the  main  product  of 
his  efForts.     The  Rah!  Rah!  type  is  the  hero  of  the  fifty 


THE    SQUIB 


cent  novel  and  the  twentj^-five  cent  boys'  book,  which  portrays  the  perverted  sort  of  pep.  The  man 
who  does  his  job  up  right  when  he  is  given  it,  who  boosts  the  team,  but  does  not  knock,  who  pays  his 
taxes,  and  attends  his  class  meetings,  and  supports  the  campus  life  in  general — that  is  the  man  with 
the  right  sort  of  pep.  He  may  be  loud-mouthed,  but  not  a  splash;  he  is  not  a  fourflusher,  and  is  busi- 
ness-like in  his  support. 

Pep  is  a  valuable  asset  in  the  world  at  large.  We  know  a  minister  who  is  retired,  and  lives 
on  the  generosity  of  a  fund,  while  he  spends  his  idle  time,  which  is  all  the  time,  doing  nothing  which 
will  last  or  count  for  his  glory.  We  know  another  minister  who  is  retired,  but  self-supporting,  who 
is  the  embodiment  of  all  that  might  be  classed  as  the  right  sort  of  pep.  He  has  a  farm,  owned  and 
run  by  himself.  He  is  a  man  of  sixty  years,  but  does  the  work  of  a  husky  of  thirty,  markets  his  product 
in  a  business-like  way,  and  at  the  end  of  the  year,  can  show  a  balance  of  worldly  goods,  as  well  as 
many  appreciative  hearts  where  by  kindly  offices,  he  has  done  more  good  than  the  other  has  with 
all  his  smooth  salve  and  "Bless-you-brother"  sop. 

We  know  a  college  "boy"  who  is  always  rahrahing,  who  goes  to  the  one  mass-meeting  of  the 
year  and  tears  all  the  benches  to  pieces,  and  who  at  the  game,  escorts  a  blushing  damsel  in  a  pro- 
prietary waj'.  He  owes  his  class,  his  tailor,  the  Dining  Hall,  his  chum,  and  his  "frat".  We  know 
another — a  more  quiet  fellow,  attractive  for  the  strength  of  his  convictions.  Time  and  again,  you 
can  find  him  in  the  bleachers  or  on  the  side-lines  at  practice.  He  never  skates  himself  on  the  varsity 
rink  after  the  "ass"  managers  have  swept  the  ice,  but  he  has  paid  his  Alumni  Field  pledge.  He  never 
throws  a  biscuit  at  the  Dining  Hall,  and  he  has  never  been  on  the  Dean's  Board  heavier  than  two 
"  L's  ".  He  does  not  tell  everybody  how  he  would  run  the  team  nor  does  he  give  a  Continental  whether 
Tom,  Dick  or  Harry  goes  to  the  Gilmore  or  to  a  performance  of  "Uncle  Tom's  Cabin"  by  Sarah  Bern- 
hardt. This  does  not  mean  that  he  is  a  grind  or  does  not  care  about  the  moral  uplift  of  the  campus, 
but  it  does  mean  that  he  minds  his  own  business  and  shows  pep  when  it  is  needed  and  supports  what 
he  knows  he  ought  to. 


OR  this  time,  the  Squib,  although  generally  in  a  humorous  state 
of  mind,  condescends  to  a  serious  mood,  and  it  is  in  this  latter 
'state  of  mind  that  we  make  the  following  comment.  The  time  of 
"Finals"  is  again  upon  us,  and  again  we  begin  to  wonder  "  Why  are 
finals."  Are  they  to  show  the  instructor  what  one  knows.''  As 
a  general  rule,  emphatically  no.  At  least  if  one  is  to  judge  by  the 
questions  asked.  Their  greatest  benefit  lies  in  the  fact  that  the 
student  is  obliged  to  review  his  term's  work.  Squihhy  believes 
this  reviewing  could  be  done  far  more  efficiently  by  taking  it 
up  in  systematic  order  as  regular  class  work.  The  present  sys- 
tem practically  forces  a  man  to  stay  up  nights  and  "cram"  before 
the  finals  just  enough  to  remember  the  work  until  the  "exams" 
are  over,  and  then  if  he  fails  to  remember  certain  points,  which 
may  be  of   minor  importance,  to  fail  him  in  the  course. 

There  was  an  old  farmer,  who,  when  he  wished  to  carry 
a  bag  of  grain,  always  took  an  empty  bag,  put  some  stones  in  it, 
tying  the  end  of  the  bag  to  the  end  of  the  grain  bag.  He  would  then 
sling  the  two  bags  over  his  shoulder  with  the  grain  bag  on  one  side, 
and  the  bag  with  the  stones  in  it  on  the  other  side  to  offset  or 
balance  the  weight  of  the  grain.  When  asked  why  he  didn't 
divide  the  grain  into  two  bags,  instead  of  carrying  a  lot  of  stones, 
he  replied:  "We  have  always  done  it  this  way  and  I  guess  it  is 
good  enough  for  me  yet."  So  it  is  with  "finals".  Theoldhabit 
still  hangs  on  and  probably  will  until  some  man,  fearless  of  the  comment  of  others,  will  step  out  of 
the  present  rut  and  inaugurate  a  new  system  so  that  a  man  in  reviewing  his  term's  work,  will  do  it  in 
such  a  way  that  he  will  remember  the  main  points  of  the  course,  not  for  a  period  of  one  week  only,  but 
for  a  period  of  years. 


CAMPUS  TALK 

JONESIE 
He's  my  room-mate 
And 

He  was  looking  for 
A  scrap 
So 

I  sent  him  up 
To 

The  treasurer's 
Office 

And  on  the 
Floor 
He 

Picked  up  a  Scrap 
A  green  scrap 
Of  engraved  paper 
Such  as  we  get 
Sometimes  from  home 
And  as  he  waved  it 
Aloft 
He  said 
Hurrah 
I  have  found 
A  bone  to  pick. 


-THE    SQUIB- 


/CHRISTMAS,  what  do  we  want  at  Christ- 
^^  mas?????  Pep,  and  other  presents  such  as 
Chevrolets,  checks  de  cash,  and  Hawaiian  neck- 
wear. We  trust  that  all  the  readers  of  the 
Sqtnb  will  enjoy  themselves  and  that  all  who 
do  not  enjoj'  themselves  will  become  members 
of  the  Squib,  in  other  words,  we  wish  everyone 
a  merry  Christmas,  bon  noel,  etc.,  including 
ourselves. 


N 


UT — Why  is  it  so  hot  at  the  circus? 
Tee — The  heat  is  in  tents. 


JJT.   NICK — And    what   would   you   like   in 
'     the  stocking? 
Prodigal  Son     A  fatted  calf. 


'  I  'HEY  had  been  on  a  hunting  trip  for  a  few 
^  days  and  as  their  luck  was  not  productive 
of  food,  the  supply  on  hand  was  in  a  weak  con- 
dition. Finally  they  hit  a  good  trail  and  one 
of  the  party  sighed  that  he  wished  they  could 
land  something.  Whereupon  he  was  informed 
that^it  was  barely  ])ossibIe  that  they  might  bag 
a  doe. 


WHY  NOT? 

WHY  not  have  the  finals  at  the  beginning 
of  the  term  and  do  away  with  all  this 
cramming?  If  you  do  not  pass  the  final  then, 
you  will  study  to  raise  your  mark,  and  if  you  do 
pass  the  final,  you  will  not  have  to  study.  This 
will  work  out  satisfactorily  to  all.     Try  it. 


LADY — "Your  produce  seems  very  high." 
Farmer — "Well,  why  shouldn't  it  be! 
When  you've  got  to  know  the  botanical 
name  of  the  plants  you  raise  and  the  ento- 
mological name  of  the  bug  that  eats  'em 
and  the  chemical  formula  for  the  thing  that 
kills  the  bug, — somebody's  got  to  pay!" 


n 


a« 


THE    SQUIB 


dL^^ 


Wheae  was  Billy  5vnday 
When  they  mixed  the  5chedvleP 


CRAMMING  tonight,  cramming  tonight, 
Give  us  a  pail  of  beer. 
Many  are  the  lights  that  are  burning  tonight. 
Here's  hoping  we  get  by  clear. 
Cramming  tonight,  cramming  tonight, 
Cramming  on  the  old  prof's  trail. 


AUTOIST  (slowing  down)— "Tired  of  walk- 
ing?" 
Stranger    (running    to    get    into    auto) — 
"Yes." 

Autoist  (speeding  up) — "Run  for  a  while, 
then." 

Stranger  (!X? !!!!? — ) 


INSTRUCTORS  and  especially  lab.  assistants 
*■  acting  as  monitors  or  pussyfoots  during  the 
finals  would  do  well  to  examine  all  fountain  pens 
used  in  the  writing  of  exams.  They  may  con- 
tain inspired  ink  which  has  dope  on  the  final 
exam  in  question.     Safety  final! 


^ATTY — Say,     I     just    learned    why    you 

don't  catch  cold  in  your  head! 
Skinny— "How's  that?" 
Fatty — Cold  can't  penetrate   a   vacuum!! 


PAY  DAY  FOR  WILLIE 

FLUFFIE— Do  you  like  Billy  Sunday? 
Ruffles — ^Yes,  but  he  has  more  money 
Saturday  nights. 


WN  the  Stadium  one  day  the  Harvard  quarter- 
*     back    was    rather    erratic,    so    much    so    that 

an  alumnus  burst  forth,   "What  the  d 1  ails 

that  man;  he  always  throws  the  pass  at  random." 

Immediately  his  wife  looked  around  at  the  score 

board  to  see  where  this  man  Random  was  playing. 


66 


Pepless"  Wonders 


Whose  Squib  are   You  Reading" 


rgs    SIX   HAN   ROPE    PULL 

TEAn  NEEDED'PCP;  BUT 

TiiCII?  ONE  riANTCrtM  IS 
NOT   50  B  AD 


yOUNFEPLOTSOf  PCP* 

IN  THE  riR^TLET TEK  TO 

THAT  T^ACil  VOU  nj  r  TurtNNSCIi 


TiNC   TEP    IMTO  TUT  SeNIOR   COUHSES 


^ 


THE    SQUIB 


TO  MY  SAMPLE  CASE 

(I  sold  Aluminum  last  summer.) 

OH  thou  my  dear  old  sample  case! 
I  dearly  love  thee  well; 
Thoii'st  been  my  constant  joy  and  friend 
On  days  as  hot  as  h 1. 

I  love  thj^  reddish  brown, 

And  sleek  and  ample  sides, 

They're  filled  with  samples  clean  and  bright 

About  which  I  have  lied. 

But  when  I've  found  I've  told  a  tale 
That  cannot  bear  the  light, 
If  they  will  tell  me  what  I  said, 
I'm  glad  to  make  it  right. 

But  j-ou,  my  dear  old  sample  case, 
You've  stoutly  stood  the  test, 
And  oft  upon  you  I  have  sat 
When  I  have  needed  rest. 

And  when  this  summer's  work  is  o'er 
And  I  to  school  have  gone. 
You'll  know  that  in  my  sad,  sad  heart 
A  feeling  has  been  born. 

A  feeling  'tis  of  joy  and  pride 
And  not  of  doubt  nor  fear, 
That  I  shall  never,  never  do  again 
AYhat  I  have  done  this  year. 

No  more  I'll  tramp  the  dusty  roads. 
Nor  at  the  doors  I'll  knock. 
No  more  I'll  sit  upon  my  case 
In  absence  of  a  rock. 

But  you  my  dear  old  sample  case, 
You've  been  a  friend  to  me.  ' 
'Tis  not  your  fault  that  those  I've  met 
Have  shown  discourtesy. 

And  when  in  future  years  I  walk 
With  slow  unsteady  pace, 
A  place  there'll  still  be  in  my  heart 
For  you,  my  sample  ca.se. 


"'I  'HEY  will  meet  but  they  will  miss  him,  there 

*       will  1)6  one  vacant  chair" 
.\ii(l  the  sofmores  should  be  thankful,  all  the  Big 
'i'hree  are  not  there. 


A  prof  should  get  a  bonus  if  his  class  takes 
•*  no  cuts  in  the  course,  but  a  class  that  takes 
no  cuts  should  get  a  sanatarium  course. 


REFORMATION 

THERE'S  a  college  in  the  valley 
Of  a  certain  famous  river 
Where  they  fed  the  jolly  students 
Beef  on  toast  and  chicken  liver. 

Every  once  or  twice  a  fortnight 
The  monotony  was  busted 

By  a  cubic  inch  of  beef-steak 
Or  a  minute  cup  of  custard. 

Once  a  year  they  had  sweet  cider 
In  a  one-quart  demijohn; 

Ate  for  breakfast  every  morning 
Oats  or  malt  or  pettijohn. 

But  the  ancient  order  changeth 
'Neath  the  fierce  investigation 

And  the  complicated  menu 

Gave  the  scullions  no  vacation. 

We  get  chicken,  peas,  potatoes, 
Orange  marmalade,  and  ham, 

Oyster  stew  and  Injun  pudding. 

"Pussy-Foot"  don't  give  a  d 

Scullions  fast  and  waiters  able 
Never  keep  a  fellow  waitin' 

And  we  only  hope  to  goodness 
They  keep  on  investigatin'. 


GOING  AND  COMING 

CROSS  not  a  bridge  till  you  come  to  it", 
The  young  knight  mused  in  thought. 
As  he  rode  across  his  gallant  horse. 
To  a  castle  near  that  spot. 
"Cross  not  a  bridge  till  you  come  to  it", 
Some  wise  old  codger  wrote, 
So  the  knight  passed  on,  nor  wound  his  horn. 
And  he  fell  into  the  moat. 

"Look  before  you  leap"  they  say. 
He  thought  of  this  as  he  walked  afield, 
When  a  roaring  bull  pursued  him  full, 
And  he  dropt  his  sword  and  shield. 
"Look  before  you  leap",  he  thought, 
So  looked  he  o'er  the  fence, 
But  the  bull  charged  on,  and  shook  his  horn. 
And  tossed  the  poor  cuss  hence. 


11 


-THE    SQUIB 


§^^* 


W 


^m 


I 


j^yjri^-f-'--::__^ 


>■"  i^a-kfen 


•A  long  yell 
Hip,  Hip. 


A  MASS  MEETING 

CHEERLEADER— All  right  now, 
for  that  team,  make  it  .snai)py. 

Feeble  yell  from  mob. 

Cheerleadei" — -Aw  watsa  mattuh,  that  was  the 
rottenest  yell  since  college  started.     Now  again 
and  put  some  pep  in  it  this  time.     Hip,  Hip. 
Less  feeble  yell  from  mob. 

Cheerleader — That  wasn't  so  bad.  Now  we  are 
going  to  hear  some  real  talks  now. 

Spirited  student — ^ Where's  your  pep,  who  ain't 
goin'  to  that  game.  Aintcha  got  no  pep.  What 
we  got  to  have  around  here  is  pep.  Every  year 
the  pep  around  here  makes  me  sick.  There  ain't 
enough  pep  in  the  whole  college  to  make  a  cat 
sneeze.  Why  only  today  I  saw  a  freshman  give 
up  the  last  cent  he  had  to  pay  back  board  at  the 
hash  house  and  the  game  only  two  days  away. 
What  kinda  pep  do  yuh  call  that.^  Why  back 
when  I  was  a  Frosh  everybody  went  to  the  game 
even  if  they  had  to  hock  some  of  John  Spaghett's 
statuary.  They  had  pep  in  them  days.  The 
college  is  goin'  to  the  dawgs  now,  no  jjep.  Pep. 
Pep.     Pep.     That's  all  fellus. 

Loud  yelling  and  banging  by  mob. 

Cheerleader — Who  ain't  goin'  to  the  game  now? 

Nobody  stands,  loud  cheering. 

Cheerleader — Thasze  old  pep.  Lessee  who  have 
bought  tickets. 

Everybody  stands,  loud  cheering. 

Cheerleader  (musing  to  himself) — Thas  funny 
and  I  have  a  whole  bale  of  tickets  left. 

Razoo  Club  enters  with  six  and  one  half  frosh 
reporting  that  some  seniors  told  them  to  go  to 
hell,  so  they  came  back  to  the  meeting. 

Cheerleader — I  wanta  have  these  tickets  outa 
my  hands  by  tomorrow.  A  long  yell  for  that 
team  now,  make  it  snappy. 

Corker  yell. 


A  TYPICAL  ASSEMBLY 

2.10  Speaker  introduced  as  the  greatest  living 
man  in  his  line.     (Some  line.) 

2.20  Sfjcaker  gets  away  with  a  joke  about  the 
superfluous  introduction. 

2.30  Remarks  about  the  co-eds  and  predicts 
that  there  will  be  more. 

2.40  Tells  how  he  used  to  be  a  farmer  boy 
himself. 

2.50  Takes  five  minutes  to  say  that  he  is 
going  to  stop  speaking. 

2.55  Snoozers  wake  up  at  loud  hand  clapping. 

2.56  Prexy  goes  out,  not  followed  by  speaker. 
2.56  1-9  Prexy  returns  and  lugs  speaker  out. 
2  57     Mass   meeting.     Don't   ride   bicycles   on 

the  sidewalks.     Nobody  dares  to  tell  the  truth 
about  the  hash-hou.se. 

2.60  Senior  class  meeting.  All  other  class 
meetings  scattered  over  the  campus. 


WHAT  TO  INVENT  FOR  STUDENTS 

An  alarmless  alarm  clock. 
Vest  pocket  note-taking  machine. 
Morningless  chapel  or  absent  treatment. 
Combination    everlasting    tobacco    pounch    and 

match  box. 
Non-leakable  self  spilling  fountain  pen. 
Number  System  for  changing  39  to  93. 
An  indetecable  check  raiser. 


SHE   (in  a  new  gown) — ^"How  do  you  like  it, 
hubby.'" 
He    (scanning    its    scantiness) — ^"Is    it    up    to 
style?" 

She — ^"Why  certainly,  it  is  a  1917  model." 
He — ^"I  thought  it  was  sold  before  it  got  its 
growth." 

10 


THE    SQUIB 


'HERE  is  no  lack  of  "Pep"  in  the  Stockbridge 
Coat  Room  scrambles. 


LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN 

To   avoid   needless   repetition    and   negative   ap- 
plause,  all   outside   speakers   should   observe 
the  following  hints: 

1.  Say  that  you  came  here  for  the  ride,  not 
for  the  pleasure  of  addressing  such  a  fine  looking 
body  of  young  men  and  women. 

2.  It  is  understood  that  you  were  born  and 
reared  on  a  farm. 

3.  Exploit  our  wonderful  opportunities — to 
transcribe  times  on  Aggie,  Ec. 

4.  Make  some  sly  reference  to  the  co-eds 
and  .stroke  your  whiskers. 

.5.  Solve  the  dormitory  problem  by  telling 
how  to  use  North  and  Soutli  in  the  shifts  per 
day,  for  sleeping. 

6.  Throw  a  time  bomb  into  the  junior  section 
to  wake  them  uj>  in  time  for  the  usual  mass 
meeting. 

7.  To  add  local  color,  compare  Napoleon  to 
Henry  Young,  proving  the  former  to  be  a  four 
fl  usher. 

H.  Describe  the  campus  in  '88  when  yon  were 
here  last  on  a  vi.sit  to  the  only  co-ed. 


HIS  LIFE  CYCLE 

SHE — Why  does  that  author  go  off  on  a  tear 
and  get  drunk.? 

He — So  he  can  write  stories  about  his  experi- 
ences. 

She — But  why  does  he  want  to  write  about  his 
experiences  ? 

He — So  as  to  get  some  money. 

She — But  why  does  he  want  money? 

He — So  he  can  go  off  on  a  tear  and  get  drunk 
again. 

s 

"T^AP  is  part  of  a  fraternity  rallying  cry,  "Howdy 
I        pap." 

Pip  is  what  a  chicken  has  when  it  can't  cackle. 

Pop  is  what  ginger  beer  sounds  like. 

Pup  is  what  a  dog  used  to  be. 

But  PEP  is  what  we  all  need. 

s 

REVISED  REVERIES  OF  A  STUDENT 

ONE  student  without  any  "Pep"  may  easily 
prevent  two  hearts  from  beating  as  one. 

"Pep"  is  not  blind,  but  there  are  many  stu- 
dents who  have  poor  eyesight. 

"Pep"  makes  men  and  not  mollycoddles. 

After  a  student  has  become  a  Soph,  he  acquires 
some  "Pep"  but  he  shows  his  "pep"  chiefly  at 
informals. 

Figures  don't  lie;  it's  said,  so  it  is  best  not  to 
publish  Aggie's  "pep"  in  figures. 

Sometimes,  thank  God!  when  "pep  comes  in 
at  the  door",  crabbiness  flies  out  at  the  window. 

Pep  is  not  really  akin  to  Love.  Love  is  but 
a  step  further. 

s 

WHETHER  it  is  really  just  to  the  college 
or  not,  it  is  an  admitted  fact  that  a  college 
is  classed  by  the  general  public  as  its  teams 
are  rated  in  the  athletic  world.  Now  everyone 
of  us  want  to  have  Aggie's  teams  looked  up  to 
and  honored  by  all.  There  are  two  factors  in 
a  team's  success,  first  the  players,  and  second, 
its  supporters.  Since  the  men  who  take  part 
in  athletics  at  Aggie  give  all  they  have  to  their 
teams,  it  is  u\)  to  the  rest  of  the  student  body 
to  do  all  they  can  to  encourage  the  players  all 
through  the  season.  We  saw  what  "pep"  did 
at  Medford  and  more  recently  at  Springfield. 
What  better  or  more  convincing  proof  of  its 
value  do  we  want.'  What  we  lack  is  "pep" 
and  until  we  get  so  enthusiastic  that  we  will 
yell  our  heads  off,  we  are  not  doing  our  share 
to  bring  credit  to  M.  A.  C. 


12 


BECKMANN'S 

Always  for  the  best 

Candies  & 
Ice   Cream 

247-249  Main  Street 
Northampton 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,       Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 

The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

Special  Luncheon  from  1 1 .30  to  2  P.  M. 
Meet  me  at  "DICKS" 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Sanderson  &  Thompson 

THE  HOME  OF 

Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  Clothes 
and  Fine  Furnishings 

PRICES  ALWAYS  REASONABLE 

SANDERSON  &  THOMPSON 
AMHERST 


Henry  Adams  Co. 
Cbe  no,  H.  (!♦ 
2)rugGists    ^ 

Candies  and  Ices 

Cigarettes  and  Tobacco 

The  Rexall  Store 


Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served 

in  the  most  modern 

bnanner  at  the 


COLONIAL  INN 


At  the  Entrance  to  the  campus 


"Johnnie,  you  don't  have  to 
bring  in  the  wood;  father  is 
coming  home  with  a  load." 

— Awswan 


Wife — Can  you  give  me  some 
eggs  that  you  will  guarantee 
that   there  are  no  chickens  in? 

Grocer — Yes  mom,  some  duck 
eggs. 

— Awswan 


"Looka  here  you,  ef  youall 
don't  gawan  away  and  leave  muh 
I'se  gonna  knock  yoah  heaad  off 
an'  throw  it  in  youor  face." 

— Awswan 


When  a  man  drinks  tea  only 
is  he  a  tee- to  tier! 

■ — Awgwan 


In  a  photograph  office — "Now 
I  suppose  you  want  me  to  look 
pleasant." 

"Yes,  unless  you  want  to  look 
natural." 

— Awswan 


I  have  renewed  Aggie    Men's    Soles 
for  the  Past  Ten  Years. 

HOW    IS    YOUR    SOLE? 

Better  let  GINSBURG  fixyoursoles 

J.  Ginsburg 

SHOE    REPAIRING 

11  1-2  Amity  St. 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

U^dnttuQ 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printino— IRuUna— BinMng 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


CAMPION 


FINE 

TAILORING 

College   Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 


GIVE   THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


^NORTHAMPTONl^ 


Vlt^mouth   Inn 


^MASSACHUSETTS  -^ 


A     High-Glass     Hotel 
desirably     located     for 

dolletje  patronaGC 

American  mid  European  Plans 


Especially  suited  to  the 

requirements   of  tourists  on 

account    of  its    pleasant    location 

Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


Phone  Connection 

Mandolins,  Guitars  and  Musical  Merchandise 

Milton     O.     Wicks 

Maker,  Collector  and  Repairer  of  Fiddles,  Etc. 

Dealer  in 

Hawaiian  Ukuleles,  Steel  Guitars  &,  Accessories 

Plaza  Theatre  Building 
51  Pleasant  St.,  Northampton,  Mass. 


OVERTIME 


Will  Ik'  sure  (o  in  jure  your 
oyc'H — increase  the  comjjJaint 
— why  not  get  lop  notcli 
eye-glass  service  and  satis- 
factifjn  by  having  ns  (ill  your 
needs? 

We  specialize  on  prescrip- 
lion  filling  —on  <'xactness 
.Lnd  liighcsl  grade  work. 


STRAINS  EYES 

O.  T.  Dewhurst 

Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Classes 


201   M-.iIti  SI. 
Northiimplon,  M;imh. 


OpniiHlle  Clly  ll.ill 
lulcphonc-  IK4-W 


R.    F.   Armstrong    &    Son 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 

Holeproof    Hose 

Guaranteed  no  darning;  just  right  for 
College  Men 

25    Cents    a    Pair 


The  Elms  Restaurant 

Where    Quality    and  Quantity    Dwell 

Try  our  dinner  and  supper  specials 

E.    G.     DILL.     Prop. 
NORTHAMPTON.  MASS. 


COLLEGE  CANDY  KITCHEN 

HOME  MADE  CHOCOLATES.  CARAMELS.  MINTS,  AND  SALTED  NUTS 

Nul  and  Marshmallow  Fudges 

All  Kinds  of  Hard  Candies  and  Taffies 

This   is    the   Place   for    llol    Drinks    find    Ice   Creams   When   you    are   down   Town 

Our    Ice  Crcarn  Served  ul   Ye  Aggie   Inn.  On  Way  to  Postoffice 


<()-()VKn.\TK   WITH  TJIK   HOAIM)   AND    I'ATIIONIZK  TJIKSE   ADVERTISERS 


Standard     Diaries     and     Daily 
Reminders  for  1917 

All  kinds  of  desk  Calendars 

At 

A.  J.  Hastings 

Newsdealer  and  Stationer 


HOCKEY  SHOES 

AND 

SKATES 

SOMETHING    SPECIAL    IN     STETSON 
SHOES 

E.  M.  BOLLES 

THE  SHOE  MAN 


When    Dad    Comes    to 
See  You 

Send  Him  down  to 

THE  AMHERST  HOUSE 


Bolllu)]) — Here's  your  water,  sir. 
Kentucky    Alunmus — -Water?     What    for)'     Is 
le  room  on  fire!"' 

— Fiiiicli  Boirl 


"My  face  is  my  fortune. " 

"What  an  eucumberance  to  inherit." 


-Froth 


.Vhout  college,  we  are  told,  there  are  two  sad 
tliinii's.  t)ne  of  them  is  graduating.  The  other 
is  not  graduating. 

— Juck-o'-La)ifcni 


Two  tranii)s  who  had  been  literary  men  but 
had  fallen  even  lower  were  w-ending  their  hungry 
way  past  a  farm  house.  Smoke  was  coming  from 
the  kitchen  chimney.  It  was  supper  time  for 
everybody  but  the  literary  tramps. 

Mused  one,  "It  looks  like  Keats  over  there." 
Answered    the    other,    "Yes,    and    I    bet    the 
potatoes  are  Browning." 

Siiii  Dial 


Pessimist — One    who    has    lived    with    an    opti- 
mist. 

— California  Pelican 


"Young   man,   do  yon   favor   professorial  free- 
dom of  speech?" 

"Sure,   let    "em   say    what    tliey    think    without 
thiidving  what  they  say." 

— California    Pelican 


"I  want  something  good  to  read,"  breathed 
the  indifferent  one. 

"God  bless  you,"  said  the  good,  prim  old  soul 
as  she  handed  out  a  coi)y  of  the  New  Testament, 
"anything  else?" 

— Snn  Dial 


THE  VETERAN 

Recruiting  Ofticei- — "So  you   wisii   to  enlist   in 
our    army.     Any    experience?" 

Would-be  Soldier — "None,  sir." 

Otticer— "Married?" 

Would-be  Soldier — "Yes,  twice." 

Officer — -"Here  is  your  commission.     Such  ex- 
l)erience  is  invaluable." 

—  Princeton  Tiger 


FLEMING'S 

BOOT  SHOP 


211  MAIN  STREET 
NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


A  MISFIT 

They  sat  on  the  steps  at  midnight, 
But  her  love  was  not  to  his  taste. 
His  reach  was  30  inches, 
Wiiile  hers  was  a  "4(5"  waist. 

—  Yale  Record 


S.  S.  HYDE 

JEWELER  AND  OPTICIAN 

A  full  line  of  College  Jewelry 

S])ectacle  lenses  accurately  replaced 
bring  the  broken  lenses. 

13  Pleasant  St. 


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P  A  VQPI  ^Q                                  ^^^  College  Man's  Shop 

l\^\    I    Of-^U    1^                                                                                            179  Main  St.       Northampton 

Clothes,  Furnishings,  Shoes,  Hats 

It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS  have  just  the 

correct  thing  in  young  men's  wear                                                                                 Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 

ft^- 

School    and    College 

l^botograpbers 

Main  Studios:     1546-48  BROADWAY 
NEW  YORK  CITY 

52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 

"Were  you  copying  his  notes?" 
"Oh  no,  sir!     I  was  only  looking  to  see  if  he 
had  mine  right." 

— Lampoon 

"I  hear  you  have  turned  botanist." 

"Yes — at  present  I'm  specializing  in  two  lips." 

—Froth 

Queener — "Do  you  know  how  to  do  this  new 
dance,  'Walkin'  the  Dawg?'" 

Athlete — ^"Well,    I   don't   know   the   steps   but 
I  know  the  holts."                                                                      i 

— Longhorn 

Him— "How  did  you  like  the  stage  hangings 
in  that  Shakespeare  show?" 

He — "There  weren't  no  hanging,  y"  boob;  he 
killed  'em  with  a  sword." 

— Widow 

For  Winter  Sporting  Goods,  come  in  and  see  our 
line.      A  full  line  of  Skates,  including  college  hockey 
and  rink  skates. 

A  good  assortment  of  Hockey  Sticks 
Sleds  of  all  kinds 

And  the  best  line  of  .Skis  ever  shown  in  Amherst 
Also  all  the  straps,  harnesses  and  poles 
to  go  with  them 

The  Mutual  Plumbing  &  Heating  Co. 

35  South  Pleasant  St.,  Amherst,  Mass. 

Compliments  of 

E.  D.  Marsh  Estate 

STUDENT  FURNITURE 
and  CARPETS 

CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


CROYSDALE    INN 

SOUTH  HADLEY,  MASS. 

Christmas  Dinner 

1     p.     M. 

I 
i 

TABLES  RESERVED      'Phone  2628-W  Holyoke 


Jinks — Billings  sure  likes  to  put  on  airs. 

Binks — What's  he  doing  now? 

Jinks — Oh,  he  fills  a  gasoline  can  with  water 
and  carries  it  home  in  full  sight  of  the  neighbors 
every  night. 

!  — Widoir 


Doll — "Jatik  is  getting  so  stingy  1  don't  enjoy 
his  company." 

Node — "Yes,  he's  even  beginning  to  he  saving 
with  his  kisses." 

—Froth 


Every  month  have  a  copy  sent  to  her 

home  by  bringing  $1.25  to  12 

South    College 

$1 .25  will  bring  a  Squib  to  any  home  in  U.  S.  A. 
Read  your  own  copy! 


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IC^^p  xuitty  ^0xt 


^ifakt&pieari^ 


LtlC    OqUlD        The     Happy     Number 


'Universal  Armament' 


FEBRUARY  1917 


FIFTEEN  CENTS 


p  A  VQFI  ^^                                  ^^^  College  Man's  Shop 

l\./\    I    kJHuL^    KJ                                                                                      179  Main  St..      Northampton 

Clothes,  furnishings,  Shoes,  Hats 

It  is  our  hobby  to  ALWAYS  have  just  the 

correct  thing  in  young  men's  wear                                                                                 Visit  us  for  Distinctive  Apparel 

m*    ^^^T 

School    and    College 

52  CENTER  ST.,  Northampton,  Mass. 

||v  l»/v/  i^V vj  V  ^  p'  I^W  t  V 

Main  Studios:     1546-48  BROADWAY 
NEW  YORK  CITY 

A  LITTLE  LIE 
IIT'HEN  first  I  met  with  Muriel 

'  '       My  poor  old  heart  was  lanced  once  more. 
I  felt,  I  ]cnexc  I  loved  her  well; 
Better  than  all  that  went  before. 

I  told  her  she  was  the  first  I'd  loved, 

I'd  be  to  her  a  willing  slave. 

She  laughed,  and  worse,  appeared  unmoved; 

She  said  I  was  a  scheming  knave. 

But  she  believed!     Oh!  blessed  girl; 
She  said  I  was  her  first  love,  too. 
Ah!  life  is  happy  with  my  pearl; 
What  good  a  little  lie  can  do. 

A  GOOD  DOG  FOR  A  CENT                        J 
"  IJEY,  Bo,   do  you  want  to  buy  a  barometer 
^     dog?" 

"Wot  kinda  dog's  zat.?" 
"One  that  kin  smell  a  storm  a  mile  off." 
"Naw.     I  don't  want  no  storm  scenter  in  my              : 
room." 

— Longhorn 

# 

■O HE— "Did  he  go  on  the  stage  for  his  health?" 
*^     He — "No,  he  is  a  vegetarian,  and  he  wanted              1 
his  meals  free." 

For  Winter  Sporting  Goods,  come  in  and  see  our 
line.      A  full  line  of  Skates,  including  college  hockey 
and  rink  skates. 

A  good  assortment  of  Hockey  Sticks 
Sleds  of  all  kinds 

And  the  best  Hne  of  Skis  ever  shown  in  Amherst 
Also  all  the  straps,  harnesses  and  poles 
to  go  with  them 

The  Mutual  Plumbing  &  Heating  Co. 

35  South  Pleasant  St.,  Amherst,  Mass. 
_ 

F.     W.    FULLER     AGENCY 

Established  1898 
Western  Massachusetts  Representatives  of  the                           ; 

EQUITABLE    LIFE  ASSURANCE   SOCIETY 

Life  assurance  and  endowments  in  all  forms,   life    incomes, 
annuities  and  income  bonds  for  individual  men  and   women, 
and    for    firms,    institutions    and    corporations.      Attention 
given     to     the     special    requirements    of    each     applicant, 
inquiries    may    be    made    in    person,    or    by    mail,    or    by 
telephone. 

F.  W.  FULLER,  General  Agent  and  Manager, 

207  Fuller  Building,  317    Main  St.,    Springfield,   Mass. 
Boston  Branch,  56  Equitable  Bldg.,  67  Mill:  St.,   Boston 

Compliments    of 

EVERETT  S.  RICHARDS                              ' 

Agent  M.  A.  C.  '16 

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H 


AT  IHE  PROM 
E — "Don't  you   think  that  I  am  pretty 
light  on  my  feet?" 
She — "Yes,  but  you  are  heavy  on  mine." 


o 


ANOTHER  ONE  ON  BRAINS 
NE  Frosh — That  prof  gave  us  something 
to  think  about. 
'Nother  One — Something  for  nothing,  hey? 


SMITH  Frosh— "I  think  that  she  ought  to 
study  German." 
Smith  Soph — "No,  one  tongue  is  enuf  for 
her." 

s 


THEY  SHOULD  HAVE  CARRIED  SAFETIES 
'X'lIE  ancient  Greeks  enjoyed  a  blessing 
*■      Their  trousers  never  needed  pressing 
But  to  their  joy  some  gloom  attaches 
They  had  no  place  to  strike  their  matches. 

s 

A  CHOPPY  SEE 

PHUNEM — That  guy  doublecrossed  me. 
Ayebyte — Howz  'at? 
Phunem — ^He's  cross  eyed  and  he  looked 
straight  at  me. 

s 

DO  YOU  TIP,  IN  THE  GRILL? 

'  I  'HE  twinkling  stars  are  falling 
*       From  the  dewy  shades  of  night 
And  the  waiters  are  rushing  onward 
Grabbing  all  the  coin  in  sight. 


THE  END  OF  THE  SOUP 

GENTLEMAN    (to    new    waiter)— Bring    me 
some  oxtail  soup. 
Waiter — Oxtail  soup  suh,  yes  suh,  I'll  get  it  for 
you  right  away    but  it  is  a  powerful  long  way  to 
go  back  for  soup. 


FAIR  AND  WARMER 

'IP — Where  is  the  weather  man? 

•     Bang — He's  downstairs  getting  a  shower. 


THERE  exists  an  old  fellow  named  Satan 
Whose  manners  are  quite  aggravatin'; 
He  for; 

started  what 

this  just 

war  knows 

No  one 
May  a  hand  grenade  smash  his  old  pate  in. 

s 

PROMY— I'm  all  balled  up. 
Nod— How's  that? 
Pro  my — ^Everything  I  own  is  in  hock. 


'ROSH— "I  was  born  in  April." 

Soph — "When  it  rains  it  pours." 


X 


— Why   do   they  have   to   wash   this   floor  so 
often? 
Y — It's  scrub  pine. 


THE    SQUIB 


Here's  to  the  studies  if  such  things  can  bless 
A  poor  wretch  like  me  who  has  made  such  a 

mess 
Passing  what  courses  I  did. 
Plugging,  my  gray  matter  some  to  impress 
You   think   I   should   worry — why  let   cares 

oppress? 


CAMPUS  TALK 

YESTERDAY 
I  saw  my  friend, 
He  was  looking  fat  and  happy 
Naturally 

I  asked  him  where  he  was 
Eating  and  Sleeping 
Also  how  much  he  was  getting 
Stabbed  for  it. 
It's  a  secret 
He  whispered 
I  am  sick  all  the  time  now 
And  I  live  up  at  the 
Infirmary. 
It  costs  me 
One  plunk  a  day 

I  have  my  breakfast  served  in  bed 
It's  corker 

This  little  stunt  costs  me 
Seven  plunks  a  week 
That's  about  as  cheap  as 
Some  of  you  guys  get  by. 
Very  true 
Says  I. 

I  find  upon  inspection 
That  I  have 
Intercostal  neuralgia 
Superinduced  by  overstudy 
I  am  going  to  the 
Infirmary.     So  long. 


STEW — "What    have    you    in    your    room    for 
cold?" 
Dent — "Steam  heat." 


GAS  HOUSE  TALK 
^MOKESTACK-  You're  full  of  coke. 
^    Furnace — ^Tanks  for  dat  remark. 
Fluey — ^O  my,  what  an  iron  retort! 


o 


LOT^D  ONLY    NOSE 

NE — I  see  that  the  investigation  committee 
found  one  great  deficiency  at  Aggie. 
The  other — AVhat  was  it? 
One — ^There  was  no  ape  in  the  Apiary. 


STUDE— "Hey  'wiflf'  bring  me  a  glass  of  water." 
Ent — ^"Aw  watchatink  I  am    a  wet  nurse?" 

s 

I  was  "over  the  river"  the  other  night  calling 
when  the  lights  went  out.  I  obeyed  that 
impulse  and  kissed  her  lighfly.  It  was  perfectly 
plain  then  to  see  where  I  stood. 


w 


HY  was  Adam  like  Billy  Sunday?' 
"I  give  up." 
Neither  like  to  see  Eve  ill." 


I  knew  a  young  boy  in  Fall  River 
Who  was  slim  and  slight  as  a  quiver 
He  slipped  from  a  cliff 
And  fell  with  a  biff 
He's  an  arrow  now  in  a  quiver. 


DAOWN  T'  TH'  FUST  ORFICE,  BY  HEN 

IF  "creeper"  ever  gits  back  thi'  snoon,  tell  him 
that  they's  one  a  them  speshul  devilry  letters 
same's  wot  came  in  last  week.  He  might's  well 
hunt  it  up  and  take  it  out  this  afternoon,  prob'ly 
the  feller  might  expect  it. 


THE    SQUIB- 


"liie  ■fctn<4=   of  -Hte.  Sp«ci«j  l£  more   d^odly  -tllan  +*)e  n=>ki . 


"^0-ED — I  don't  like  this  math,  course. 
-^     Prof.— Why  not? 
Co-Ed — On  account  of  the  improper  fractions. 


THE  Radcliffe  girl  is  feeling  sad, 
For  she's  thinking  of  the  day 
When  the  mean  old  profs  wrote  to  dad 
And  took  her  "cigs"  away. 

She  now  sits  on  her  downy  bed 
And  the  only  rings  she  blows 
Are  the  ringlets  on  her  pretty  head 
Falling  o'er  her  eyes  and  nose. 


THOSE  WHO  TAKE  ANI  HUS 

HURRAH  for  the  professor 
Hurrah  for  his  lamb 
Hurrah  for  the  co-eds 
Who  do  not  give  a  d n. 


'HE  bullet  hit  a  steel  rib  so  her  life  was  saved. 
Of  corset  was. 


THERE  once  lived  a  girl  on  the  Island  of  Crete 
Whose    costume    was    made    out    of    plain 
Shredded  Wheat 
Her  skirt  was  most  void 
Being  celluloid 
So  you  see  that  the  outfit  was  very  neat. 


BE  HAPPY 

WHEN  you're  piling  out  on  a  cold  gray  morn 
Shivering  and  putting  your  clothing  on 
And  the  whole  blame  world  seems  all  dead  wrong, 
Forget  your  woe,  sing  a  brighter  song. 
Be  HajDpy! 

If  the  service  is  poor  at  the  hash  house  at  noon 
You  beat  it  angrily  back  to  your  room 
And  repeat  this  performance  from  fall  until  June, 
Oh!  be  happy  and  sing  us  a  jollier  tune. 
Be  Happy! 

Whether  the  clouds  bring  us  hail,  snow,  or  rain 
You  snarl  and  you  crab  but  there's  really  no  gain 
Your  breath  is  just  wasted,  your  talk  is  in  vain, 
Cheer  up  and  whistle  the  optimist's  strain. 
Be  Happy! 

If  the  classes  get  dull  and  the  profs  tend  to  bore  us 
It's  our  fault,  not  theirs,  that  our  marks  become 

porus 
We  must  study,  not  crab,  to  make  them  decorus. 
There's  a  loftier  note,  so  join  in  the  chorus. 
Be  Happy! 

x\s  the  sun  sets  today  o'er  the  neighboring  hill 
Let  us  turn  a  new  leaf,  make  a  resolute  will 
To  withstand  the  mistakes  and  with  new  joy  instill 
The  life  on  the  campus;  then  this  song  we'll  trill. 
Be  Happy! 


CO-ED — "It    isn't    her    good    looks    that    gets 
her  by." 
Co-ed — "No,  but  Tim  banks  on  them." 

s 

LET'S  go  to  dinner,"  said  the  student  life  saver 
Unto  the  mermaid  fair, 
"I'd  like  to  go,"  said  she 
"But  goodness  me, 
AVhat  am  I  going  to  wear?" 

"Don't  worry  about  the  clothes,  my  dear," 
Said  the  student  from  Spokane, 
"For  in  these  fashionable  days. 
One  finds  out  that  it  only  pays 
To  wear  as  little  as  one  can." 


BAT— "Have  you  a  life  cycle?" 
He — ^"No.     My  pocketbook  has  yet  to  be 
touched  by  a  woman." 


PUBLISHED  AT  MASSACHUSETTS  AGRICULTURAL  COLLEGE 


Editor-in-Chief 
F.  C.  LARSON  '17 

Associate  Editors 

L.  T.  BUCKMAN  '17 

I.  W.  INGALLS  '18 

Assistants 

W.  A.  HATHAWAY  '19 

H.  B.  PEIRSON  '19 

H.  L.  DIXSON  '20 


Art  Editor 
H.  A.  PRATT  '17 

Art  Staff 
F.  K.  BAKER  '18 


Assistants 

M.  F.  WEBSTER  '20 

C.  BUNKER  '20 


Business  Manager 
A.  BOOTH  '17 

Asst.  Business  Mgr. 
S.  B.  FERRIS  '19 

Assistants 

A.  J.  WING  '19 

L.  P.  MARTIN  '20 

D.  C.  DOUGLAS  '20 


$1.25  A  YEAR 


'QUID  AGIS  AGE  AGGIE" 


15  CENTS  A  COPY 


All  contributions  should  be  addressed  to  the  Editor-in-Chief.  They  will  be  given  credit 
in  the  annual  elections,  to  the  board.  Business  communications  should  be  addressed  to  the 
Business  Manager  IS  South  College. 

Entered  as  second-class  matter  January  31,  1916  at  the  post  office  at  Amherst,  Mass. 


Vol.  III. 


FEBRUARY,   1917 


No.  5 


HIS  time  Squihhys  smile  breaks  into  a  happy  laugh  for 
signs  of  Spring  are  in  the  air.  Baseball  fans  are  greas- 
ing up  their  gloves  and  the  coach  will  soon  be  on  the 
diamond  earning  his  salary.  They  are  happy.  The 
track  men  will  jump  from  the  boards  to  the  cinders 
and  the  fussers  will  go  "queening"  in  the  great  out- 
doors instead  of  the  rather  uncertain  parlor  stuff.  They 
too  are  happy.  Second  term  finals  are  on  their  way 
which  gives  great  glee  to  the  profs  now  that  they  have 
three  chances  instead  of  two.  Be  happy  yourself  and 
everybody  else  will  seem  hap])y  to  you  for  as  the  old 
saying  goes,  "When  you  are  down  in  the  mouth  think 
of  Jonah,  he  came  out  all  riglvt."  The  pessimist  may 
have  his  uses,  but  the  optimist  has  him  beaten  forty 
ways.     Thus  HquiUnj  presents  himself  clad  in  the  sheets  of  the  Happy  Number. 


THE    SQUIB 


'  I  'HE  Squib  wishes  to  issue  another  call  for  candidates  for  the  editorial  and  art  staffs.     Students 
*■       in  all  the  classes  are  eligible.     Therefore  show  a  little  interest  in  literary  work  and  make  your 
funny  bone  labor  a  little  for  a  good  cause.     We  are  very  desirous  to  get  as  many  men  as  possible. 


The  Squib  regrets  the  resignation  of  L.  C.  Higgins  '18  from  the  editorial  department.  Leo 
has  departed  and  registered  at  Harvard  University.  His  loss  will  be  keenly  felt  by  the  Squib  but 
perhaps  his  endeavors  along  literary  lines  will  help  the  Lampoon. 


This  number  of  the  Squib  has  been  edited  by  I.  W.  Ingalls  '18. 


Contributors: 

H.  Dixon  '20 

H.  DeW.  Oppee  '20 


C.  Bunker  '20 
M.   Webster  '20 


A.  W.  Spaulding  '17     F.  K.  Haines  '18 
E.  B.  Newton  '19       R.  S.  Boles  '17 


S    M  I    U  E       "DAM      -(/A 


3   N;  1  L  £.      I 


-THE    SQUIB- 


HoOK"     LrNE,    'ANP    ^\NKeT?! 


THE   llAPPy  T-ROf: 


Just    Cr  D~r-  aT(  a  isf 


s 

FOOLING  THE  PROFS  AGAIN 


SOMETIMES     HE   DVt-SHEA-RS    1H,NUS 

s 


C  IC  Arette — How  did  Verrie  Dents  manage 
^     to  get  sixty  in  that  exam? 


)ROF.  X  made  a  scene  when  I  went  to  see  him 

about  that  exam  I  flunked  flat. 
And— 

Sic  Adog — He  shaved  before  he  took  it  and  He  made  much  Ado  About  Nothing. 

had  a  smart  sensation.  S 

THE  TRUTH  EXPLODEDE 
g  lEWIN'YA  (18)— Be  careful  how  you  throw 

^     that   copy    of    "Sappy  Stories"    around 
here. 
_   NOT  VERY  LONG  THOUGH  Seein'ya  (17)- Why  zat? 

13 WING    on    in    chem    exam: — And    AgNO.),  Jewin'ya    (I8y — They    are    putting    lots    of 

*^     like  Schlitz,  is  kept  in  brown  bottles.  explosives  in  magazines  nowadays. 


-THE    SQUIB 


FUS^iN 


THf  |-|^?Py  STUDElsiT 


y        JtO  THE  B-t-M  <r 


0  N    X  H  p     H  hK  e  s 


^^_^  Hf\  Finals  ' 


CO  "WO     HOME 


UNIVERSAL  ARMAMENT 

SHE — How  is  it  that  all  the  fellows  nowadays 
put  their  arm  around  you? 
The  other — They  all  believe  in  universal 
armament. 


FROSH — "Has   your   room-mate   any   bad 
habits?" 
Junior — ^"Just  one,  he  swears  at  the  alarm 
clock  every  morning." 


BE  CAREFUL 

SMASHEM — "  I'm  going  to  blow  my  brains 
out,"  shouted  the  youth  who  had  been 
flunked  out. 

Crashem — ^"Hold  on,"  said  his  cool  headed 
roomie.  "Those  are  my  shoes  you  are  wear- 
ing." 

s 


M 


Y  pen  won't  write. 
Isn't  the  ink  well? 


A    STUDY    01 


\  I  / 


The  Deep  and  Thoughtless 

Here's  the  deep  and  thoughtless  student 
With  his  hat  crammed  on  his  dome 
All  he  has  to  worry  him 
Is  the  pretty  dame  back  home. 

s 

SHE  WAS  THE  FLOUR  OF  HIS  SOUL 
"r\0  you  love  me,"  said  Dotty,  resting  her 
'^    face  on  Jack's  shoulder. 
"Yes,   only  you   talc   too   much,"   replied 
Jack  woefully,  looking  at  his  shoulder. 

s 

BACK  TO  EARTH 
A  WY — When  you  are  flying,  what  sort  of 
**^    a  feeling  do  you  have  when  you  look  at 
the  earth? 
Attor — Just  terra  fir  mu. 

s 

TYPEWRITER  SUPPLIES 

FELLA—  I  want  some  ribbon  for  my  type- 
writer. 
Goil — Ribbon  counter  second  aisle  on  left. 


A  Young  Bright 
Tresh/'i^. 


he 


This  is  the  bright  young  freshie 
Who  in  his  cute  and  winning  way 
Is  reaching  for  a  regular  hat 
To  wear  Saint  Patrick's  Day. 


NO  CHRISTMAS  IN  THOSE  DAYS 

STOCK— If    Achilles    had    lived    today 
would  never  have  been  killed. 
Kings — Advance. 

Stock — He    would    have    worn    Holeproof 
stockings. 

s 

SWAT  HIM 

SHE — Why  do  they  have  wire  netting  in  the 
grandstand? 
He — To  keep  the  foul  flies  out. 
She — Why  foolish,   flies  can   get   through 
that. 


8 


SPRING    HATS 


Qualify  By  G-osh 


HERE'S  a  funny  looking  duck 
His  age  is  under  fifty 
And  if  we're  not  mistaken 
He  thinks  his  lid  quite  niphty. 

s 

A  STEP  TOWARD  WISDOM 
"X'lS  folly  to  be  wise  when  ignorance  is  bliss, 
*■      And  hard  blows  do  not  dent  the  tough 
hide  of  a  mule; 
But  when  you've  knocked  your  head  enough 

you'll  find  out  this: 
A  step  toward  wisdom  is  to  realize  you  are 
a  fool. 

s 

FROSH  to  Co-ed  who  has  slipped  on  the  ice. 
"Can  I  assist  you?     I  belong  to  the  Ladies' 
Aid  Society." 


Cpzd     Q 


D 


uee.n 


Here's  a  familiar  picture 
Of  a  typical  co-ed  queen 
Her  jealous  idea  in  buying  hats 
Is  to  make  the  others  green. 

s 

ID  you  ever  notice  how  o-fish-all  the  waiters 
are  on  Friday? 


H 


E — Nature  is  honest. 

Li  Kel.     I  saw  the  corn  crib. 


\  NNE — This  steak  reminds  me  of  yore. 
^     Kyccc:  Frinstance? 
Anne — Your  rubber  boots. 


-THE    SQUIB 


THE  KNOCK 

THIS  hat  in  shade  a  deep  rich  green 
Might  to  a  young  bright  freshie  seem 
To  be  his  ardent  heart's  desire 
"Twould  set  his  very  soul  on  fire. 

But  for  a  deep  and  thoughtful  stude 

It  must  be  that  he's  just  a  dude. 
If  such  an  awful  thing  he  wears 

Just  so  he'll  capture  co-ed  stares. 

s 

THE  ANSWER 

FAR  too  small  this  tiny  head  attire 
To    demonstrate    my    ardent    heart's    desire 
And  'tis  not  the  color  that  tells  the  tale, 
But  quality  that  doth  never  fail. 

And  in  tliat  respect  this  hat  does  beat 
Any  other  chapeau  seen  on  the  street. 

E'en  that  of  the  deep   (?)   and  thoughtless  stude 
Hasn't  a  show  with  that  of  the  dude. 

Full  well  I  feel  the  admiring  glare 

As  the  hat  passes  by  the  co-eds'  stare. 

But  I  should  worry  and  I  should  smile 
They're  just  ten  years  behind  the  style. 

'Tis  not  the  hat  with  its  shade  of  green 

That  catches  the  eye  of  the  co-ed  queen.^?? 

But  rather  the  striking  face  below 

Brightening  all  with  its  radiant  glow. 

The  hat  that  doth  this  message  bear 

Is  what  you  think  I  ought  to  wear. 
The  ancient  that  owned  it  is  dead  and  gone 
So  if  the  cap  fits  you,  why  just  put  it  on. 

Signed   T.    W. 
S 
^  OU  CAN  BE  SURE  THAT  IE  YOU 

BRING  a  girl  on  the  campus,   somebody  will 
bawl  you  out  and  yell,  "Remember  I  got  to 
have  my  shoes  tonight." 

Post  a  notice  in  the  Social  Union,  ten  minutes 
later  wise  guys  will  write  so  many  hilarious  com- 
ments all  over  it,  that  you  will  think  you  are 
reading  the  latest  copy  of  "Strife." 

Borrowed  money  to  go  to  the  prom  you  will 
be  dunned  for  the  rest  of  your  college  life. 

Get  a  seat  on  the  last  car  from  Hamp,  it  is  a 
mi.stake  on  the  part  of  the  company. 

Hafjpcn  to  be  overcome  with  that  rare  sensa- 
tion of  the  desire  for  study,  somebody  will  come 
in  and  insist  on  a  bull  fest  with  you. 

Lend  some  fellows  money  they  are  conferring 
a  great  favor  upon  you  when  they  return  it. 

If  you  are  not  on  the  Dean's  Board  nobody  will 
notice  it. 
10 


It's  not  an  ancient  mariner 
With  this  horse  so  wild  and  bold 
For  he  has  the  landlubber's  hat  on 
To  separate  him  from  the  cold. 

s 

IT  HAPPENS  EVERY  DAY 

HARRY — Hey,  lookit.  Jack,  see  that  smoke 
near  the  chem  lab? 

Jack — Yep,  the  lab  must  be  on  fire. 

(Meets  Frank) — Hey,  Frank,  the  chem  lab  is 
burning  down. 

Frank — Gee,  is  that  right? 

(Frank  meets  Art) — Did  you  hear  about  the 
lab  fire?     Seven  fellus  wuz  fatally  burned. 

Art — Zat  so?     Good  night. 

(Art  meets  George) — ^'Aloe,  George.  The  chem 
lab  is  on  fire.  Seven  students  is  burned  to  death 
and  all  the  profs  were  asphixiated. 

George — Oh,  goody,  the  mean  old  things  won't 
have  a  chance  to  correct  that  quiz  I  flunked 
yesterday. 

(George  meets  Tom) — Hey,  Tom,  the  lab  has 
burned  down.  Whole  piles  of  guys  burned  up 
and  all  the  profs  are  dying  up  at  the  infirmary. 

Tom — How  do  you  know? 

George — ^Art  told  me. 

Tom— Who  told  him? 

George — ^I  don't  know. 

Tom — I'll  telephone  to  Doc  Chamberlain. 
"Hello,  Doc,  is  the  lab  on  fire?" 

Doc  C. — Good  Lord  no,  no  such  good  news 
since  I  got  my  last  raise. 


I 


T'S  Oliver  with  my  typewriter  now;  they  buried 
her  yesterday  so  she's  Underwood. 


'MART — Why  is  a  bad  boy  like  a  chair? 
'     Smarter — They  both  have  caned  seats. 


THE    SQUIB 


SATISFYING  THE  MOB,  OR,  IT  CAN'T  BE 
DONE 

PHELLA — Anybody  coming  down  town? 
Bumb — No,  but  here's  my  laundry,  take  it 
down  and  mail  it.     I  will  owe  you  the  postage. 

Nother  Guy — Yea,  and  here's  a  quarter,  get 
my  collars  at  the  Chink's. 

Suaveguy — Would  you  mind  dropping  into  the 
jeweler's  and  get  my  watch,  then  go  to  the  tailor's 
and  see  if  he  has  finished  mending  my  cheapskin 
coat,  then  take  these  shoes  down  and  have  them 
shined.^     I  won't  have  time  tonight. 

Common  Herd — Bring  back  some  smokes. 

Phella — Ain't  anybody  going  downtown  with 
me? 

Briteguy — -Nobody  but  you  Phella,  I  guess. 

Phella  goes  downtown,  does  the  errands  and 
comes  back. 

Bumb — Have  you  got  back?  Did  you  mail 
my  laundry?     How  much  was  it? 

Phella — They  soaked  me  twenty  cents,  includ- 
ing insurance. 

Bumb — Who  in  the  dickens  told  you  to  get  it 
insured?  My  lord,  what  boneheads  some  people's 
sons  are.     Next  time  I  will  take  it  down  myself. 

Nother  Guy  (opening  collars) — Hey,  Phella, 
look  at  the  ink  spots  on  these  collars.  Why 
didn't  you  give  the  Chink  the  devil?  You 
could  have  looked  at  them  when  you  were  down 
there,  couldn't  you?  Where  are  your  brains, 
and  yea,  where  is  that  other  cent?  The  laundrj^ 
was  only  twenty-four  cents,  wasn't  it,  and  I  gave 
you  a  quarter.  Trying  to  get  away  with  some- 
thing, hey?  I  never  thought  you  was  that  low, 
Phella. 

Suaveguy — You  got  the  wrong  watch.  Don't 
you  know  what  my  watch  looks  like?  You  will 
have  to  take  this  one  back,  because  if  I  take  it 
he  won't  recognize  me.  Dawgawn  it  all,  I  wish 
I  had  gone  myself.  Good  night,  did  you  get  a 
light  finish  on  these  shoes?  I  always  have  dark. 
This  looks  rotten.  Why  didn't  you  tell  Jo  who 
the  shine  was  for?     He  knows  what  I  want. 

Common  Herd — AVhere  are  all  the  cigs? 

Phella — Honest,  I  forgot  them.  You  ain't  sore, 
are  y'  fellus? 


ONE  WAY 

SALT — I  should  think  that  a  sailor's  life  would 
be  very  monotonous. 
Horse — No.     We  often  run  into  a  fog  bank  and 
get  some  change. 


THE  LULU  BIRD  SAYS 

IF  you  don't  boost  the  hash  house,  the  prices 
will  boost  themselves. 

Aggie  men  are  not  cowards,  neither  are 
they  fools. 

How  would  you  like  to  be  "Creeper"  and 
get  cussed  out  for  not  bringing  letters  that 
She  never  took  the  trouble  to  write? 

Here's  how  the  profs  like  the  booze,  "When 
I  was  outside  of  Champagne,  Ohio  presented 
a  rolling  landscape."     Staggering. 

Did  you  ever  hear  one  of  those  all  winter 
B.  V.  D.  heroes  try  to  hush  up  the  fact  that 
only  invalids  wore  heavy  clothing  in  the 
winter. 

It  is  too  bad  that  the  profs  are  not  required 
to  attend  chapel.  It  might  be  as  soul  in- 
spiring to  them  as  it  is  to  us. 

Radcliffe  girls  have  been  forbidden  to 
smoke.     College  life  is  hell,   isn't  it,   girls? 

s 

ARE  WE  RIGHT? 

THE  meanest  man  in-  all  the  world — one  who 
borrows  your  best  necktie  and  then  orders 
grape-fruit. 

— Columbia  Jester 

Wrong  again,  Mr.  Jester;  your  choice  we  refuse, 
When  defining  the  worst  of  all  froshes; 

We  hand  it  to  him  who  puts  on  his  old  shoes — 
Then  borrows  your  brand  new  goloshes. 

—  Yale  Record 

By  the  meanest  of  mankind  I  always  have  meant 

A  lad  who  is  bad  beyond  doubt. 
He's    that    friend    who,    when    you    unsuspecting 
present 
Him  unto  your  best  girl — cuts  you  out. 

—C.  C.  N.  V.  Mercury 

Jester,  Record  and  Mercury,  wrong. 
The  meanest  one  in  the  Bizz, 
While  you  get  D  he  pulls  B, 
Having  copied  from  you  in  the  quiz. 

— Panther 

Jester,  Record,  Mercury  and  Panther! 

As  for  the  meanest  man  there's  but  one  anther, 

(I  lithp) 
x4nd  he's  that  guy,  the  darned  old  pig, 
Who  always  "bums"  your  only  "cig". 

And  then  wants  to  know  why  in  hell  you 
didn't  save  the  coupon  for  him. 


11 


THE  SQUIB 


SHERMAN  WAS  RIGHT 

AS  I  tumbled  into  bed  that  night  my  head  was  Lo!    A    small    white,    humble    banner    from    the 

far  from  clear;  trenches  yonder  floats. 

My  nerves  all  played  "Die  Wacht  am  Rliein"  in  We've    persuaded    our   opponents    that   for    once 

good  old  lager  beer.  they  are  the  Goats. 

The  wine  and  the  gin  rickeys  had  a  quarrel  in  my  Then   we   cheered   our  brave  lieutenant   and   we 

head,  cheered  the  good  old  "Sarge" 

And  I  kissed  the  chandelier  "Good  night"  before  Who  was  passing  out  the  Murads  to  each  com- 

I  crawled  in  bed.  pany  in  his  charge. 

I  slept.     Jove,  what  a  restless  sleep.     My  sleep  g^^^  ^  cannon  ball  came  whistling   (as  we  stood 


was  full  of  dreams 


there  at  relief) ; 


The  bugle  call  was  sounding  and  I  hopped  into  jf  j^  ^^^t  where  it  was  pointing  it  was  sure  to 

my  Jeans;  j^j^  ^^^  ^^^^^^ 

Got  out  my  rusty  trifle,  slammed  a  drill  cap  on  ^^  j  grasped  my  rusty  trifle,  took  a  Honus  Wagner 

my  dome,  ^^^^^ 

And  reported  at  the  drill  hall  as  the  clock  was  ^^^j^  ^j^jj  .^^  ^j^^  strength  that's  in  me,  hit  the 

booming  one.  pjU  ^p^^^  ^j^^  ^^^^^ 

"The  enemy's   upon   us,"   cried   the   sergeant   in  i              ,.     •           oi     i        !■ 

„^„„„  Shades  of  Barnum.     What  confusion.      Shades  of 

"Fall     in.     Atten-Shawnn.     Forward     march."  JuHus  Caesar  too. 

The  band  a  quickstep  plays.  ^«^  ^^^^  bally   shell  exploded  and  for   miles   the 

Then  they  marched  us  to  the  battle  ground;  the  splinters  flew. 

men  began  to  sneeze  ^  ^^^*  ™y  senses  reehng  and  a  buzzing  in  my  head. 

For  the  smoke  about  the  cannon's  mouth  smelled  ^nd  I  woke  to  find,  dear  reader,  that  I'd  fallen 

like  limburger  cheese.  »"*  °^  b«^- 

There  we  fought  and  bled  and  suft'ered,  and  amid  What  a  volley;  what  a  thunder;  to  the  left  and  to 

the  reeking  smoke  the  right. 

We    could    see    our    doughty    captain    swapping  As  those  Boston  beans  went  hurtling  through  the 

stories  with  the  "Bloke."  darkness  of  the  night. 

Soon  we'd  no  more  ammunition,  and,  desj^ite  our  Cries  we  heard  from  opposite  trenches,   as  the 

captives'  screams,  baking  missiles  fell. 

We  loaded  every  mortar  with  u  jjlate  of  Boston  AVe    could    well    agree    with    Sherman    when    he 

beans.  gargled,  "War  is  Hades." 
12 


WHAT  THEY  SAY 

I  beg  your  pardon. 

Lend  me  a  quarter. 

How   did  you   like   that   girl 
I  took  you  over  to  see.^ 

Am  I  in  your  way? 

How  did  you  hit  that  exam!-' 


Are  you  prepared  this  morn- 
ing? 

Didn't    that    speaker    get    a 
great  deal  of  applause? 


THE    SQUIB 

WHAT  YOU  SAY 

Certainly. 

Sure  thing,  old  man. 

Fine. 

Not  at  all. 

Right  on  the  l:)ean. 

Yessir. 

Yes  he  did. 


Isn't  the  hall  decorated  just  Yes,  very  nice.  Miss  Informal. 

lovelj%  and  don't  you  think  the 
floor  is  fine? 


Don't  you  frankly  think  that 


Yessir,    I    have    always    en- 


you  get  a  great  deal  out  of  my        joyed  your  courses,  etc. 


courses : 


WHAT  YOU  WOULD  LIKE 
TO  SAY 

Why  in  the   d — 1  don't  you 
walk  on  your  own  feet? 

Are   you   ever   going   to   pay 
back  the  last  one  I  lent  you? 

Rotten. 


Get  the  h — 1  outa  here. 

Don't  talk  about  it.  I  am 
sick. 

No,  I  never  saw  j^our  d — n 
text  book. 

Because  he  was  through 
speaking. 

This  is  the  worst  barn  I  ever 
saw,  and  I  have  about  s'teen 
splinters  in  Jack's  pumps  now. 

You  bet  your  life  I  got  a 
great  deal  when  I  elected  any- 
thing you  taught. 


THE  TIE  THAT  BINDS 

(Goes  perfectly  well  to  the  tune  of  Jingle  Bells) 

THE  taxi  waited  at  the  door; 
'Twas  just  before  the  prom 
The  snow  outside  was  driving  hard; 
A  whirling  drifting  storm. 

I'd  washed  and  shaved  and  dived  into 
That  horrible  dress  suit 
I  grabbed  my  hat  and  grabbed  my  coat 
And  jewelry  and  loot. 

I  dove  down  stairs  and  slammed  the  door; 

The  taxi  waited  there. 

We  whizzed  away  to  find  the  Girl, 

The  maid  with  golden  hair. 

We  finally  reached  the  promenade 

At  seven  forty-five; 

I  doffed  my  hat  and  shed  my  coat; 

For  the  mirror  made  a  dive. 

I  stood  and  stared  and  stared  some  more, 

My  God,  what  an  awful  blow, 

I'd  tied  my  tie  on  the  way  down  stairs 

And  that  tie  was  a  bright  green  bow. 


H' 


lELLO." 

"LTmmblugb." 

"Hi." 

"Ummblub." 

"Hello." 

"Ugh." 

Scene:  The  Aggie  Campus. 

Time:  Any  time. 

Cast  of  Characters:  Three  Regular  Men  passing 
a  Dead  One  as  they  go  along  a  campus  walk. 
(The  Dead  One  is  usually  a  freshman,  but  several 
upperclassmen  would  do  just  as  well).  There 
were  supposed  to  be  four  Regular  Men  in  the  act, 
but  it  was  found  that  the  Dead  One  would  not 
even  grunt  the  fourth  time.  In  order  to  make 
this  act  go,  the  three  Regular  Men  must  put 
plentj^  of  pep  in  it  to  make  up  for  the  lack  of 
vitalizing  force  in  the  Poor  Fish  that  can't  talk. 


'  I  'HAT  dash  man  goes  like  an  arrow. 
*       Yes.     Like  one  of  these  Indian  arrows  with 
a  bone  head. 


13 


C^NORTHAMPTON^ 


Tlymouth    Inn 


^MASSACHUSETTS  ^ 


A     High-Class     Hotel 
desirably     located      for 

Colleoe  IPatvonage 

American  and  European  Plans 


Especially  suited  to  the 

requirements  of  tourists  on 

account    of  its    pleasant    location 

Special  Attention   to   Banquets 


Pekin   Restaurant 

20   CENTER   ST.,    NORTHAMPTON 


Special  Dinner,  Daily,       35c 


Chinese  Dishes,  from  25c  up 


REAL  CHINESE  COOKING 


()\^mz 


STRAINS  EYES 


Will  be  sure  to  injure  your 
eyes — increase  the  complaint 
— why  not  get  top  notch 
eye-glass  service  and  satis- 
faction by  having  us  fill  your 
needs? 

We  specialize  on  prescrip- 
tion filling — on  exactness 
and  highest  grade  work. 


O.  T.  Dewhurst 

Maker  of  Perfect  Fitting  Glasses 


201  Main  St. 
Northampton,  Mass. 


Opposite  City  Hall 
Telephone  I84-W 


R.  F.  ARMSTRONG  &  SON 

NORTHAMPTON,   MASS. 

"Gee  Whiz!  How  tempus  docs  fugit!"  Spring 
is  almost  upon  us  and  her  added  calories  will  make 
us  think  of  Spring  duds.  Our's  are  coming  in  every 
day,  drop  in  and  take  a  look-  Costs  you  nothing 
unless  you  take  some  article,  then  a  reasonable  price. 


SO        MAIN 


STREET 


The  Elms  Restaurant 

Where    Quality    and  Quantity   Dwell 

Try  our  dinner  and  supper  specials 

E.     G.     DILL,     Prop. 

NORTHAMPTON,  MASS. 


THERE  is  a  young  fellow  named  Vickers 
Who  in  basketball  proved  he  could  lick  us. 
When  he  came  out,  by  chance 
In  Hagelstein's  pants, 
The  gallery  burst  into  snickers. 


FRIDAY  NIGHTS 

'OX— AVhat's  a  .school  of  fi.shes,  Pa? 
'     Par — Sousemore  college,  .son. 


The  Amherst  Fruit  Store 

Fancy  Fruits,  Candy 
and  Tobacco 


CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THESE  ADVERTISERS 


"Your  money  or  I'll  throw  you  off 
the    cliff!"    demanded    the    hold-up 
man  in  the  wilderness. 

The     millionaire     chuckled     and 
strode  on,  for  he  realized  it  was  only 
a  bluff. 

— Judge 

HOCKEY  SHOES 

AND 

SKATES 

SOMETHING    SPECIAL    IN     STETSON 
SHOES 

When    Dad    Comes    to 
See  You 

Send  Him  down  to 

THE  AMHERST  HOUSE 

Kay — "How    did    you    feel    when 
you  peroxided  your  hair?" 
Bee — "  Light-headed." 

— Punch    Boirl 

E.  M.  BOLLES 

THE  SHOE  MAN 

Henry  Adams 

TheM.A.  C 

Druggists  .  . 

>  Co. 

■ 

and  Tobacco 

CGLI.F.GE  INS 

SOUTH  HADLEY 
OPPOSITE  THE  CAMPUS 

Caters  for  Special  Dinners 
Sunday  Suppers 

Rooms  for  transcients     TeL  8365-W  Holyoke 

Candies  and  Ices       Cigarettes 
The  Rexall  Store 

They  must  have  had  some  mot 
In  the  good  old  days  gone  b; 

The  Bible  says  Isaiah 

AVent  up  to  Heaven  on  high 

—Co 

or  cars 

y; 

rnell  Widow 

is  like   a   day 

board    bill    is 
led. 

-Punch  Bowl 

HYPHENATED  YERSE 

Ish  weiss  nicht  was  soil  es  bedeuten 

Dasz  ich  so  traurig  bin; 
Ich  habe  mein  Trot  vergessen 

Und  muss  rely  on  my  Sinn. 
Der  Prof  ist  Kuhl  und  er  chuckelt, 

L^nd  ruhig  lacht  er  in  Glee; 
Er  sagt  dass  er  will  man  flunken. 

Ach  Himmel.      Kann  das  sein  me? 

— Brunonian 

Stude    (facetiously) — This   steak 
in  June,  Mrs.  Bordem — very  rare. 

Landlady    (crustily) — And   j^our 
like  March  weather — always  unsett 

FLEMING'S 

BOOT  SHOP 

Author       (hoastingly) — "Yes,       I 
wrote  my  last  popular  novel  in  two 
weeks." 

Bored       Host— "What       delayed 
you?" 

— Harper'{< 

S.  S.  HYDE 

JEWELER  AND  OPTICIAN 

A  full  line  of  College  Jewelry 

Spectacle  lenses  accurately  replaced, 
bring  the  broken  lenses, 

13  Pleasant  St. 

TJTc;   riTArxT   t>ttctxti70c 

211  MAIN  STREET 
NORTHAMPTON,                MASS. 

Hlb  UWIN 

Guest — "You  sa 
And  where  do  I  wa 

Host— "Why,    i 
you." 

y  dinner's  ready! 

LSh?" 

>r,    that's    up    to 
— Chaparral 

CO-OPERATE  WITH  THE  BOARD  AND  PATRONIZE  THE  ADVERTISERS 


College  Engravers 


With- 


The  Desire  to  Please 

The  Facilities  to  Accommodate 

The  Experience  to  Suggest 


Briefly: 

Quality  and  Service 
For  those  Desiring  Good  Cuts 

May  we  hear  from  you? 

Howard- Wesson  Company 

College  Engravers 
Worcester,    Massachusetts 


Freshmen  !  !  ! 

Get    Your    Class    Hat 


from 


James  Pitts  Bridge  1  920 


GILMORE  THEATRE 

THE  HOME  OF  BURLESQUE 


Four  Days  Every  Week,  Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE   DAILY 


CROYSDALE    INN 

SOUTH  HADLEY,  MASS. 

Come  to  Croysdale  Inn  for 
your  Sunday  Night  Suppers 

TABLES  RESERVED     'Phone  2628-W    Holyoke 


Kodaks  and  Films  at  Deuel's  Drug  Store 
Sole  Agent  for  Eastman's  Films. 

Huyler's,  Park  &Tilford,  Maillards, 
Page  &  Shaw,  and  Apollo  Candies 

Any  box  of  candy  bought  here  which  is  not 

satisfactory  will  be  replaced  or 

money  returned 

VICTOR   MACHINES    AND   RECORDS 

Deuel's  Drug  Store 


GIVE  THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


BECKMANN'S 

Always  for  the  best 

Candies  & 
Ice   Cream 

247-249  Main  Street 
Northampton 


RAHAR'S  INN 

Northampton,       Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN  PLAN 

The  Best  Place  To  Dine 

All  Kinds  of  Sea  Food 

Special  Luncheon  from  1 1.30  to  2  P.  M. 
Meet  me  at  "DICKS" 

R.  J.  RAHAR,  Prop. 


Sanderson  &  Thompson 

THE  HOME  OF 

Hart,  Schaffner  &  Marx  Clothes 
and  Fine  Furnishings 

PRICES  ALWAYS  REASONABLE 

SANDERSON  &  THOMPSON 
AMHERST 


Wholesome  old  fashion  food  served 

in  the  most  modern 

manner  at  the 


COLONIAL  INN 


At  the  Entrance  to  the  campus 


In  Physics — "What  happens  to 
Brooklyn  Bridge  in  winter?" 

Wise   Freshie — "It   contracts   and 

pulls  Brooklyn  nearer  New  York!" 

— Jack  O'Lantern 


"Who  planned  the  ventilating  sys- 
tem for  the  building?" 

"Some    draftsmen,    I   suppose." 

— Jack  O'Lantern 


SONG   OF  THE  HAIR-LIP   BOY 

My  moustache  isn't  handsome, 

But  then  you'll  all  agree 
That  everj'  day  I  keep  it. 

The  more  it  grows  on  me. 

— Lampoon 


THE  BEST  WAY 

"Say,  Jones,  how  are  you  going 
to  sell  your  new  novel — in  book 
form?" 

"No.  I'm  going  to  call  it  'Grape- 
nuts'  and  sell  it  as  a  serial." 

—  Tiger 


See 


^f 


In  the  next  number  of  the  Squib. 


ON  SALE  AFTER  VACATION 


ff 


It  is  better  to 
have  your 

H^rinttng 

Done  by  Us  than 
to  wish  you 
had 


Excelsior  Printing  Co. 

printing— TRuIing—Bin&ino 

North  Adams,  Mass. 


CAMPION 


FINE 

TAILORING 

College   Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 


GIVE    THESE  MERCHANTS  A  CHANCE 


^  T   ^ 


S      • 


«    • 


WIHTO-GREEII 

LIFE  SAVERS 

A  0/llNTY  CONFECTTOH 


pl  WIHT-0«(R.)l«., 


;^\5i 


LIFE  SAVER? 

A  DAINTY  CONFECTION 


LIFE  SAVERS 


■9". 

'A  ,1  % 


LIFE  SAVERS 


^-mmsif?^ 


1%^