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Full text of "The Squib"

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NAME IT 




October 1115. 



Sprtnoficl^ IRepublican 

ESTABLISHED IN 1824 By SAMUEL BOWLES 

Daily Sunday Weekly 




Is read from one end of the country to the other by 
thinking people. Get the habit while in college. 
Complete accounts of M. A. C. happenings. 



Jhe j4otel iOorthy 

The Home of College Men When in Springfield 

Special Attention to College Dinners 

Centrally Located Exceptional Cuisine 

Complete in all Appointments 




303 MAIN STREET 



Two Minutes Walk From the Station 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Springfield Union 



Read the Daily and Sunday Union for the best 
reports of the game 

Contains all the campus news of interest 

Keep in touch with the work of your fellow 
students. Read the "Bay State Ruralist" a regular 
feature of each Sunday's Union, written and 
edited by "Aggie" men in the Journalism courses 



School and College 



IpbotOGvapbers 




52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 

New York City 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres. 

Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier 



First National Bank 

Northampton 




Do Your Banking Business with Us. 

Deposits Received by Mail will 

be Promptly Acknowledged 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Uake a TLi^l 




Our Fall lines of clothing and 
correct accessories cannot be 
equalled in price or quality. 
Come in and see for yourself 

Sanderson & Thompson 



HOW TO BE A SPORTSMAN 

1. Expend a young fortune on rods, tackle, 
etc. 

2. Subscribe to the "Fisherman's Review," 
the "Ananias Magazine" and the "Munchausen 
Monthly." 

3. Accumulate a large stock of fishing terms; 
these will add fluency and local color to your 
conversation. 

4. In order to get accustomed to the Pelham 
trout brooks, spend one hour each day standing 
in the bath tub. (N. B.: The bath tub should 
contain ten gallons of water, and a cake of ice. 
Fragments of window glass on the bottom of 
the tub will heighten the realism.) 

5. Practice sitting down on a wet sponge, at 
the same time looking ofl' into vacancy with an 
egg-on-toast expression. 

If these rules are carefully followed, you will 
soon become an expert, and unless pneumonia 
intervenes you will be in a position to write 
exhaustive treatises on "The ESicient Life." 



For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring 
Your Guests to the 

Amherst House 

Catering to House Parties a Specialty 



HENRY ADAMS CO. 
Ebe no. K d . 

Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



''The Machine You Will Eventually Buy" 



Ifnderi^ood J't/pei^riter 



The Solid, Speedy Machine 
That Will Give the Best 
Results for the Longest 
Time Easy Payments 





1 




1 


li 


% 


IS 


EJ 



SHE WISHES TO BE SINGLE 

Visitor — We are getting up a raffle for an old 
soldier. Won't you buy a ticket? 

Miss Innocence — Mercy, no! What would I 

do witji liim? 

— Columhia Jester. 



Springfield Office 234 WORTHINGTON ST. 

C. H. PRENTICE, Manager 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Campion 

College Outfitter 

Fine Tailoring 

Ready -to -Wear Clothes 


1 ranscript 
Photo Engraving Company 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 

Engravers of Merit 

We Solicit Work in College 
Publications 
Get Our Rates 


Columbia Cafe 

Clean, Healthy Food With 
Thai Home-like Taste 


The Place of Good Eats 

Grange Store 

Get Your Supplies Here for 
Those Evening Spreads 


THE FAMOUS NEW YORK 

Kirpatrick Shoe 

Exclusive Lasts 

WILLIS '19 


Our Food Has That Tasty Taste That Reminds 
You of Home 

North End I unch 

On the Left as You Enter the Campus 


MORE INTERESTING READING 

Student — I want a Herodotus trot. 
Bookseller — Here's Vernon Castle's "Modern 
Dancing." 

— Williams Purple Coiv. 


UP TO HARVARD BOY THEN 

"May I come nearer you.'" 
"No: I'm afraid if you do, you'll — " 
"No; honestly, I won't." 
"What's the use, then?" 

— Harvard Lampoon. 



CO-OPERATE AVITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



It is better to 
have your 

H^ rinttUQ 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 




Excelsior Printing Co. 

IPrintino— IRiUing— Bin&inG 

North Adams, Mass. 



Don't "BUM" Paper From Your Room-mate 

Theme or Practice Paper 

Ruled or Unruled Punched or Not 



500 Sheets 

Latham '17 



70 Cents 

MERRILL '17 



REMEMBER 

The Fisher Safety Fountain Pen 

For $1.25 

Is Absolutely Guaranteed to give Satisfaction or 

money refunded. A college man's 

pen at a college man's price 

L. D. KELSEY '17 90 Pleasant St. 

Phone 543 Amherst 



picture 
Iframing 



J. Murphy '16 P. C. Harlow '17 

Agents for Miller Co., Northampton 



THE WIDOW 

War Neavs 
Aggie's asking alms for the artillery. 
Belinda's binding belly-bands for Belgians. 
Clara's counting conghdrops for Cossacks. 
Diana's denting dum dums for Dragoons. 
EfBe's etching emblems for the Ensigns. 
Fannie's fetching fishballs for the Frenchies. 
Gaby's gargling goldfish for the Germans, 
'attie's 'itching 'orses for the Hinglish. 
Zona's ironing icebags for the Irish. 
.Jennie's joining jewsharps for the Japs. 
Katy's killing Kitcheners for the Kaiser. 
Lizzie's lifting lingerie for Lancers. 
■ Mary's making moonshine for the Monks. 
Nellie's 'nitting nothing for the Nuns. 
Olive's opening oysters for the Old Guard. 
Prunella's painting pretzels in Przemysl. 
Quola's Ciuelling quinzy in the Queen's Own. 
Rachel's rolling Rameses for Russians. 
SISTER SUSIE'S SEWING SHIRTS FOR 

SOLDIERS. 
Tillie's toughening tripe for two tight Teutons. 
Lima's unwrapping unionsuits for Uhlans. 
Viola's vaporizing Vodka in the Vosges. 
Wilhelmina's wishing warts on AVilhelm. 
Xanthippe's xhaling xylophones for Xmas. 
Yenny's yielding yeastcakes for the Yiddish. 
Zuzie zaid zhc zent zome zoap for ze Zuaves. 

— 2' he Widow. 



MENTION THIS PUBLICATION WHEN SPEAKING TO THE ADVERTISERS 




Prexy's Choice 






rlORE OF 

THtn — 






PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 



F. C. LARSON '17 
Editor-in-Chief 

A. E. LINDQUIST '16 
Business Manager 



L. T. BUCKMAN '17 

Associate Editor 
H. M. WARREN '17 
Circulating Editor 



C. H. HALLET '17 



Art Editors 
F. K. BAKER '18 



H. A. PRATT '17 



SI. 50 A YEAR 


"QUID AGIS AGE 


AGGIE" 




15 CENTS A 


COPY 




Published Once A 


Month 








All business communications should be addressed to the Business Manager; 
communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all drawings. 


literary 


Vol. II. 


OCTOBER, 


1915 






No. 4 




AGGIE IS HERSELF AGAIN 

FTER many years of wearisome stifling of the spirits of loyal 
Aggie men under the domination of that soid-repressing thing, 
civilization, it gives us the usual great pleasure we've noticed 
that is characteristic of all great publications, to chronicle the 
advent of the old college into the New Freedom at last. No, 
Hephzibah, it is not our intention to intimate that anybody 
in this cradle of liberty gave vent to an idea; we don't go in for that sort 
of thing here, y'know; it is de trop, passe, of another day and generation. The 
incident marking the initiation of the new epoch — heavens, that will never 
do; we had specific orders from the head funny man not to pidl any words 
over two syllables, lest the fellows couldn't understand; well, anyhow, the 
thing we mean is the summary punishment of a freshman recently by one 
of our progressive sophomores for the gross crime of having omitted to educate 
himself in the important department of Aggie slanguage. (We want to point 
a moral right here: English is a decadent mode of communication; don't 
spend your time learning it; it isn't worth it, and furthermore, in our most 
cultivated circles it's considered very bad form to show any knowledge of it 
— witness the fate of the freshman above mentioned. But as we precede our 
tale, impossible as that may seem for any animal not constructed of ridsber.) 
It seems that the aforesaid member of the entering class is a depraved, hard- 
ened reprobate; along with his other misdeeds he has been so criminal as to 
have been born in a foreign country, and to have learned English — we're 
as much pained as we know you, gentle reader, must be at this recital of 
the depths of sin — in a school where only the highbrow "pure English" was 
taught. On the occasion we refer to, he was reprimanded, so our informant tells 
us, by one of our worthy upper-classmen for failing to wag his left ear with 
the proper acceleration while passing a cross-eyed senior, according to the 
sacred tradition of old Aggie, and was so impertinent as to reply, as well as his 



detestable language would permit, that he didn't understand what was wanted of him. The soph- 
omore, righteously indignant, did the only thing left for him under the circumstances — hit him. The 
freshman, being a gentleman, of course showed no pep, and the incident was closed, except for the 
meddling activities of a few sympathizers who showed their traitorous qualities by trying to induce 
the '18 man to make an apology. Of course, there was nothing to apologize for — for is it not a car- 
dinal rule of conduct that class spirit is always laudable, no matter how shown.^ 

This little encounter, as we remarked before, is tremendously important in its significance: it 
is the beginning of the end of all the old, oppressive foolishness about a man's having rights that 
other men are bound in "honor" to respect, and with the silly idea of honor itself, which is the basic 
weakness of most of our troubles, as our readers probably well recognize. Instead of all this out-of- 
date trash, the way seems to be opened for a new and happier regime of brutality, class domination, 
absolute subjection, total annihilation of all foolish "rights" as students, citizens, human beings, or 
anything else. We see before us another Golden Age, where a man — any man, or rather any upper- 
classman — on meeting a freshman, for instance, may take his exercise and satisfy his gym credits by 
promptly knocking him down; where the sophomores shall cast aside their harmless little nail-studded 
boards, fit only for breaking wrists and blackening eyes, on the eve of the night-shirt parade, and 
blossom forth with bowie knives between their teeth and a double battery of Colt 38's in their belts. 
Ah, then will be the glorious times! Then will pep run in streams a foot thick over the campus, and 
the dear old football team sit in the seats hastily vacated by the present faculty! Then they'll all 
come back from the night-shirt parade, instead of a mere forty, though of course the sophomores will 
have the extra expense of cartage. On with the good work! Kill him, he's a freshman! 




HE student body, as a whole, can certainly congratulate our fair Co-eds on 

their establishment of a sorority. Let us hope that their principles in years 

to come, in increasing their numbers, are not based on the methods used 

at the present time by the male of the species. May we ask when the 

goat room is to be opened for inspection by the students? We are very curious. 



m 



# 



¥F things keep on the way they have started this year, a man won't dare to go to Assembly 
*■ without a dollar or so in his jeans. When no one can think of anything else to tax the Student 
Body for, a collection might be taken up to bribe the Power Plant to give North College a little 
hot water some morning, just for the noveltj^ of it. 

TPHE old Aggie spirit is showing up this year as never before. Did you notice the number 
* of Alumni that were back to see the first game on the new field, and to help wear out the Drill 
Hall floor .^ 




3 




CJn to I utX/ 



BIG GUESSING CONTEST 
A La Boston Americanus 

SAD news is never cheerful. Still we must 
tell our woeful tale. A good friend (he says 
he is), of this illustrious publication has taken 
upon liimself the sorrowful duty of informing us 
that the name our honored predecessors did 
. bestow on this paper, brings tears to his eyes 
when he thinks of all the doleful things for which 
he claims the letters in this name stand, and he 
herewith submits for public sympathy the cause 
of his grief: 

W stands for WIFE: A Bachelor's finishing 
school. 

A stands for APARTMENTS: A modern 
habitation owned by a promoter of race suicide 
and occupied by bachelors and childless couples. 

R stands for REMORSE: In man, the begin- 
ning of Wisdom; In woman, the end of Indis- 
cretion. 

C stands for CHINAMEN: The yellow peril to 
which we are forever exposing our fair white 
bosoms. 

R stands -for RAILROADS: Public utilities 
chartered to run from Bad to AVorse but never 
on the level. 

Y stands for YODLER: A piece of Swiss cheese 
with a noise at every opening. 

— The New Foolish Diciionari/. 

Now, far be it from us to wish to be the inno- 
cent cause of any flood of salt water which may 
damage the town, for the deluge of fresh water 
we had this year was quite sufficient to rot the 
potatoes in the ground, and as this publication is 
intended to be the original gloom chaser and not 
a funeral dirge, we have decided after much deep 
thought and deliberation to return the present 
name to the worthy organization from which we 
have a suspicion it was borrowed, and endeavor 
to remove the cause of our friend's sorrow, and 
incidentally the cause of the long faces decorating 
some of our other worthy friends (no names men- 
tioned) for who can tell Init what it affects other 
people in the same way. 

We have discovered a perfectly "supermili- 
gorgeous" name, which ought to dispel this 
mournful feeling, but we aren't going to tell you 



right away this minute for we want to give you 
all a chance to guess awhile. We want to see if 
the masculine gender of the species called "curi- 
osity is as well developed as the female To 
make things real lively we have decided to have 
one of those thrilling guessing games or contests 
in which the man endowed with the largest head 
invariably comes out a-head, that is, providing 
there is anything in it (?). We will allow each 
contestant three guesses, and the victorious victor 
will be the proud recipient of a magnificent prize, 
the nature of which we will not disclose at the 
present time as we don't know yet what the 
"left-overs" will be on this issue, but we can con- 
fidently say that it will be nothing cheaper than 
a Ford. 

Of course we know how cruel it is of us to keep 
you in suspense thusly, but it is only for your 
own benefit, for there is not a selfish bone in our 
bodies. You see we have figured it out this way: 
If one of the guesses submitted happens to 
eclipse our own bright idea, we will be very glad 
to avail ourselves of the improvement and of 
course we will award the munificent trophy to 
the lucky dog. Here's a chance in a lifetime 
fellow sufferers, to annex something which may 
come in handy in the future. Of course we shall 
make it something useful, such as, for instance,, 
a baby carriage, a powder puff or a spool of darn- 
ing cotton, all depending on the size of our 
pocketbook at the end of the grand rush for 
copies of this issue. We hope you will be con- 
siderate enough not to submit more than three 
guesses as we cannot afford to hire more than 
one stenog. to handle the correspondence. 

With kind regrets, 

Editor and Staff'. 

P. D. Q. We forgot to ask you not to forget 
to send the address of your most frequent abode, 
whether at Hamp or elsewhere, so that we may 
wire you at your expense upon discovery of your 
victory. 

WATCH FOR THE SOLUTION 

OF THE GREAT MYSTERIE 

IN THE NEXT NUMBER 

OF THE 



=? 7 




w 



or ni blow out your 
"Vi brains." 

"Blow them out then. I need my money to 
get through college." 




A motor-cycle in the early stages of generation. 

(Commonly known as the puff, puff.) 

Scene at Amherst hen coop. 

The rider has been arrested for speeding on 
Campus. 

The Rider (you know) ajipearing before the 
judge. 

Judge — "What — overspeeding?" 

Culprit — "Yes, your Honor." 

Judge — "Were you driving backward or for- 
ward?" 

Culprit — " Forward ". 

Judge — "Dismissed." 



How TO BE Popular at College 
'HEN your roommate begins a story that 
you' have heard before (you know the 
kind that Doc Seeley objects to), always interrupt, 
and say so. Then add encouragingly: "Whoa, get- 
up, whoa back." Maybe some of the other boys 
haven't heard it. 

Be intrepid. When the rugs are pulled back 
and the phonograph started, say to your Smith 
partner: I've never done any of these new steps, 
but I don't mind trying. 

Be helpful. If the temperature in your room 
in the Dorms goes down to — 273°, don't get 
fluffy and yell out of the window "We want 
some heat." Go down to the Power Plant and 
feed the furnace with a few pieces of coal. This 
adds greatly to the evening's gayety. 

Be a Comedian. If there is a shy person 
present, for instance a co-ed, pounce on her unex- 
pectedly, with: "We haven't heard a word from 
you. Come — say something clever." Thus 

everyone is put at his ea.se, and your friends are 
relieved of much of the burden of entertaining. 




WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER 
CARRIAGE, BOYS.^- 



9 



Waiter (in German restaurant) — Wasser.^ 
American Girl (flustered) — No, Wellesley. 

— Dartmovth Jack O'Lardern. 



YEA, VERILY 

Flo — "Do you think a girl should learn to 
love before twenty.^" 

Fli — "Nope! Too large an audience." 

— Jack 0' Lantern. 



7 ? 7 7 ?: 




AT THE INFORMAL 

HE: — What would you do if I should die, Jack? 
' Jack: — Start a bank account and buy a car. 




f 



GAME LAWS 

As Drawn up by the 
I Tapa Keg and Eata Bit a Pie 

1. Season opened until Freshman supply wa.; 
exhausted that is — mating time. 

2. Baits such as Pesse Jomeroy, William 
.Jennings — etc., are illegal. 

3. Pledge buttons must not be placed on the 
cigarette trays as samples. 

4. Trapping is permitted, but the victim 
must have at least one hand free while being 
pledged. 

5. If a 1919 man should escape after being 
captured, he cannot be retaken and is open game 
for the rest of the hunting packs. 

6. Daily limit for a single hunting pack — 20 
Frosh. 



# 



THE OFFICIAL HUNTING SONG 
OF THE FRATERNITIES 

Rooty toot — toot, "Oh there you are," 

Sh ! — pst ! — List-en. 

Have a button ready. 

He's leaving the Hash-House — 

He's coming near — 

Brothers — he's a dandy. 

Suffocate him with essence of pepjx'r mint 

Tie his hands. 

He'll be a Dandy 1 

We'll get him or break his neck. 
Silence — sh! 




FAIR HARVARD? 

Massachusetts Agricultural College, 

Amherst, Mass., Oct. 1, 1915. 

Mr. Fred C. Kenney, 

Treasurer, Mass. Agri. College. 
Dear sir: 

This is to inform you that — unless you leave 
$10000000000000000 under the bridge at the 
south end of the pond your job will not be worth 
much, as we will stop eating at the hash-house 
and also refuse to pay any more bills at your 
office. Do not attempt to communicate with 
the CJieese of Police as we will not stand any 
fooling from him. Remember lyou are watched 
all the time. Beware 

Yours truly. 

Black Hand of the Pelican Club. 




Iw^vff 





O.VH OF THE SOl'IIOMORES TROTBLKS 



C.VMl I S GLIMPSES 

Finish of I lie Cross Country: — 
Shcriny.-iii in I lie liackground 



V V V 



DID YOU KNOW 

THAT a great number of suckers died recently 
on the Campus. Let's hope they will fill 
the pond soon, so 1918 can stock it again. 

That the heat in North Dorm, is normal, but 
the hot water is cold. 

That a box marked "Duffy's Malt Whiskey" 
was seen in the Y. M. C. A. office. Would the 
owner please call and claim it, otherwise — you 
know ? 

That if all the cigarettes smoked in a year by 
Aggie students were joined together so as to 
make one long cigarette, it would be long enough 
to serve as a tight rope over to Smith, and it 
would take Ed Hill three days and fifty minutes 
to walk to the other end to see if it was lit. 
RUB IT OUT— 

That if you could shoot base-balls out of the 
Army rifle the Junior Sharp-shooters couldn't 
hit a bulls-eye forty feet in diameter at a fifty 
foot range. 



WE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO ATLANTIC 
CITY TO TRAVERSE THE BOARD WALK 



THE ZIEGFELD FOLLIES AS WE SEE THEM 

MIDNIGHT cabaret with eating and drink- 
ing for the solace of persons who are 
afraid to go to bed. 

WHAT THE ACTORS THINK OF 
THE AGGIE BOYS 

MANAGER:— So one of the college boys hit 
you with a tomato? But how did it 
raise such a bad lump on your head? 

Actor: — Well, you see, the one who threw it 
forgot to remove the can. 




THE DEDICATION OF 
STOCKBRIDGE HALL 




SOB SONG 

GONE are the days 'neath the greenwood tree. 
In the hammock that swung in the breeze. 
Gone are the days that passed in a haze. 
As we sat by the summer seas. 
Shall we ever forget — (Nay, we'll never forget) 
The hours that we spent on the shore, 
Where we walked hand in hand 
On the silver-licked strand 
And fussed. Fussing is never a bore. 



:V > 



TWO FRESHMEN AT SUPPER 

7NTER two freshmen who sit opposite each 
■^ other at a table in the Hash House. 

1st F.— "Hullo." 

•^nd F. — "Hullo. You in Animal Husbandry 



1: 



1st F. — "Yes." (blase). I slept pretty well 
through the lecture today." 

2nd F. — (gasps). 

1st F. (disdainfully).— "Call that anything? 
Huh. Cut two classes since I been here." 

2nd F. — (laughs to show appreciation of 

deviltrjO- 

1st F. — "And last night (in a low voice), 
drank two glasses of punch at a Frat house. 

2nd F. — "Sh — not so loud — " (points to dean 
who happens to be sitting at the next table.) 

Trembling silence. 

1st F.— Did he hear me?" 

2nd F. — "Don't move, he's coming." 

1st F. — "Perhaps we had better go." 

2nd F. — Yes. It says to write home before 
the office does." 

1st F. — (scared) "I can't do that. It would 
break my mother's heart. (In burst of manly 
courage). Rather than bring my fathers gray 
hairs to the grave, I will — . " 

Dean approaches. Air is breathless. 

Dean — "I'd like to see you boys in my office to- 
morrow, if I may. The scholarship committee 
informs me, etc., etc. 



o 





IF the whole freshman class had about half of 
* the "Peij" that their co-eds seem to have, 
there wouldn't be a daub like this one above. 



AFTER THE TUFTS GAME 

SHE — "Oh (hysterics) are you really from 
Aggie? I know a slew of Aggie men. Let 
me see — now isn't that funny? I can't — oh, do 
you know — er — Jack Smusham? — No? Well, he 
is not very prominent, I guess. Let me see, do 
you know Charlie Ringem? — What class? Oh, 
I don't know that. I think he has graduated, 
though. I think Aggie men are wonderful? 
Isn't it funny, I should never have guessed that 
you was an Aggie man. It is odd that we have 
no mutual friends. Yes, of course, it is a regular 
world in itself. I knew so many Seniors last 
year. I suppose you live in the Dormitory.'' — 
No? In the yard? Tents I suppose! That must 
be wonderful! No, I had the worst luck about 
that. I was going with two Tufts men, but they 
were both ill on the eve of the game. I intended 
to cheer for Aggie though. — Oh where shall we 
go? Any place you say. ..." 




The peacock is a beau- 
tiful bird, but it takes the 
stork to deliver the goods. 






AGGIE'S RECORD CLASS— 1919 




10 



DANGER— SAFETY FIRST 

OUT Damned Spot! Out I Say. 
Such are the signs of wickedness and crime 
which brand the headlights of our human edifice 
as we step onto the battlefield of Amherst, com- 
monly known as the Rifle Range. Here the 
groans and the shrieks of our former classmates 
creep in through the cotton batting in our ears. 
Nevertheless it is an interesting place, for when 
the bullets begin to whistle and run wild it 
reminds one of Teddy's cry for war. Sherman 
never spoke any truer words, when he said: 
"WAR is Hell." So say we the brave gladiators 
of Companies G and H. 

But — the jokes — that funny feeling, the after- 
thoughts ahead of time make one forget the 
claws of death that ai-e continually reigning over 
our anatomies. Hush — hush — there is a sound 
of footsteps on horseback — a shriek, a cry — a 
noise like canned tongue. What can it be???.'' Has 
one of our brave warriors bitten the dust? Lo,- 
Behold-, there a few feet away lies a corpse, bare- 
faced; but hardly naked. "Grab his hands," 
says one, "he always was a good sort of a fellow." 
"Doesn't he look natural?" says another, "and 
to think he never drank." Such is the discussion 
that goes on amongst our comrades. 

But, hark- the crisis approaches, for the youth's 
brain has been penetrated by a plum, known 
among our Hash House Guards, as a prune in 
the last stages of consumption. Alas, look at 
him, his face is so smeared with red corpuscles, 
and so mutilated that we are unable to identify 
him. But worry not, dear readers, Kraig Cen- 
nedy is with us. At first the great detective is 
dazed and puzzled. "Give him air," says Kraig, 
and in a little while to our astonishment a squeaky, 
sneaky sound vibrates from the mouth of the 
corpse which the sleuth records in the following 
way: — 

Look for the identity of the Corpse in the 
next numher 







^ 



' I 'HE battle is on again: 

* "Now tomorrow I'll meet you in Dr. 
Gordon's Zoo. Lab.; it won't be Zoology, 
either." 

# 

AMALGAMATED CONVENTION OF 
THE PLOWING AND HOEING SOCIETIES 

IT is with great pleasure that we, the under- 
scruples, announce the above current event 
of the month. Let us give you a vague gist of 
the proceeds of the meeting. 
Paragraph 1. 

Meeting was called to order at our regular 
meeting place behind the arena at 4 A. M., 
October 16, by our most worthy chancellor, Joe 
Pike. 
Paragraph 2. 

A motion was made and passed that the two 
teams challenge similar teams of Harvard and 
Yale. 

The following are the eligibility rules and 
requirements. 

1. No lazy members wanted. 

Each member must suppl.y himself with a 



9 

hoe. 

3. 
order 

4. 



Each member must wear suction shoes, in 

to get "sucked in." 

Each member must qualifjr in plowing 
curved furrows. 

If you wish to become a member, see the Head 
Coach but you must first have references from 
"King" Babbit as well as "Hap" Day, who are 
charter members of the organization. 



WHY NOT SPRING THE QUESTION? 

"Say, jeweller, why doesn't my watch keep 
good time?" 

"The hands won't behave, sir; there's a pretty 
girl in the case." 

— Cornell Widotv. 



# 



BUT HOW MUCH SHE MISSES 

Josh — Is she refined? 

Frosh — I should say she is. She won't even 
read coar§e print. 

— Pelican. 



11 



WHEN YOU ARE IX NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 




You Want the Best Fountain 






Pen on the Marvel 


"What is the charge against this man?" 




Safety is the Pen 


"Dressing up in woman's clothes, your honor." 
"Discharged! He's been punished enough." 




A Seif-filHng Pen, Ground to Your Own 


% 




Handwriting 




C. H. HALLETT, '17 88 Pleasant St. 


SIMPLIFIED SPELLING 

The dentist had just moved into a place pre- 
viously occupied by a baker, when a friend called. 








Get in Practice for the Winter 


"Pardon me a moment," said the dentist, 




Tournaments at 


"while I dig off those enamel letters of 'Bakeshop' 
from the front window." 




MetcalFs Bowling Alleys 


"Why not merely dig off the 'B' and let it 
go at that?" suggested the friend. 

— Boston Transcript. 




Alleys May be Reserved in 


m 




Advance 






DOUBTFUL 

"Of course I don't wish to put any obstacles 








Delicious Home-made Candy 


in the way of your getting married," a mistress 




at the 


said to her servant, "but I wish it were possible 
for you to postpone it until I get another maid." 




College Candy Kitchen 


"Well, mum," Mary Ann replied, "I 'ardly 
think I know 'im well enough to arsk 'ini to put 




Ice Cream Cigars and Tobacco 


it off." 

— London Standard. 




Open until 12 


Newly wed: My angel, I wish you wouldn't 










paint. 




Amherst ^ mit Store 


Mrs. Newly wed: Now, Jack, have you ever 
seen an angel that wasn't painted? 

— Tit-Bits. 




Fresh Fruit and Candy 


# 




Peanuts and Cookies 


MERE CAFETERIA DOPE 

Stude — Say, waiter do you call this bean 
soup ? 










Garcon — The cook does, sir. 




THEN HE IS ALL RIGHT 


Stude — Why, the bean in this soup isn't big 




Hay — What kind of fellow is Jones? 


enough to flavor it. 




Bill — Well, he claps at the motion pictures. — 


Garcon — He isn't supposed to flavor it, sir. 




— California Pelican. 


He is supposed to christen it. 

' — Oregon i an. 




# 


WONDERFUL SYMPATPIETIC NERVES 




STUDENT'S COURAGE GOOD 


"Hey, Steve, you should see my father when he 




Tonsorial Artist — And what will you have on 


gets angry, he gets little red spots in each cheek." 




your face when I finish shavinjr you? 


"That's nothing, when my dad gets angry I 




Optimistic Stude — Oh, probably l)olli lips and 


get black and blue so I can't sit down." 




part of my nose. — Cornell Widow. 


—Burr. 





THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 



PATRONIZE THESE MEN WHEN IN SOMERVILLE 



Largest Restaurant in Davis Square. 

In Basement of Building next to 

Somerville Theatre 

Morgan's Lunch 


r^HM'^ 


UUIN 5 

iDollant) Xuncb 

special Rump Steak French Fried Potatoes 30c. 
21-23 HOLLAND ST. 


Bings — "Say, that Miss Peachee is pretty fast, 
isn't she?" 

Kinks — "Fast! Why, she told me that she's 
covered five laps this evening!" 

— Gargoyle. 

Marcus F. — My typewriter needs some new 
ribbons. 

Intelligent Clerk — Very well, sir; blonde or 
Ijrunette, sir.'' 

— Bargoyle. 

Holz — "I notice that a million dollars is spent 
every year for soothing-syrup." 

Schniolz — "Hm — one form of hush money." 

— Jacl- O'Lantern. 


Varied Menu 

Special Dishes Turkey Dinner 

Sirloin Steak and French Fried 
Potatoes 


Get Your Page & Shaws for the Show at 

Frank W. Wasson, Inc. 

IPbarmacists 

Cigars Cigarettes 

DAVIS SQUARE 




t 

Jack's Lunch 

. Clean and Wholesome Food 
18-19 HIGHLAND - - AVENUE 


The M.A.C. Headquarters for smokes Oct. 30-31 

Davis Sq. Smoke Shop 

All popular 10c. cigars 7c. 

Cigarettes Tobacco pipes 


BECOME EXPERTS ON POLES 

"I see that the German barbers are going to 
strike." 

"What's the matter, are they all going back 
to fight?" 

"No, but for the first time in their lives they 
realize that a Pole is more than an ornament. — 

— Princeton Tiger. 

# 

HOW MINERALOGY HAS CHANGED! 

Professor — Name the largest known diamond. 
Mr. A. — The ace. 

— Calif am ia Pelican . 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 



/Fleming's ^oot Shop 

211 MAIN STREET 



Northampton, 



MASS. 



E. Alberts 

IRegal Sboes 

FOR YOUNG MEN 



241 Main Street Northampton 



THIS IS FINE IDEA 

Bill — Hello, old top, I noticed yoii at the game 
with your wife and another woman. 

Syl — Yes, I wanted to enjoy the game, so I 
had to provide entertainment for Nellie. 

— Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. 

# 

OH! THAT GOLDEN HAIR! 

Well, George, you should understand that it's" 
woman's privilege to change her mind." 

"Yes, dear. And her form, hair and com- 
plexion." 

— Illinois Siren. 



RA^rilER CHILLY FOR PAPA 

Mother — Now go kiss nursie good night and 
let her put you to bed. 

Little Helen — Don't want to. She slaps folks 
that try to kiss her now. 

Mother — Why, what a story, Helen! 

Helen — Well, you ask papa if she doesn't. 
— Dartmouth Jack o'Lantern. 

RATHER CHEEKY, ISN'T IT.? 

Tess — Does Fran use cold cream? 
Bess — Yes, she puts it on to keep the chaps 
away. — Minnehaha. 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 



247-249 Main Street 



Northampton 



Butler and Ullman 

Formerly H. W. Field 



1^ 



FLORISTS TO SMITH COLLEGE 



H33mO 




g^, opticians 



of 



Particular Merit 



O. I. Dewhurst 

201 MAIN ST. 

Opp. City Hall Northampton 

Telephone 184-W 



ODE TO A SHOWER BATH 

O varying, versatile, quick-changing shower bath. 
Just cause art thou to arouse all of our wrath. 
Why is thy temp'rature constantly altering. 
Causing the studes to be constantly faltering.'' 
Whether or no to dare enter thy stream 
Of icy-cold water co-mingled with steam.' 
Where is thy source, from whence cometh this water, 
That's never been known to act as it oughter? 
Why does the liquid thou sputeth and spurteth 
Fall with such force it invariably hurteth? 
Then suddenly change to a steam full of tickle, — 
Why art so frightfully fitful and fickle.' 
O shower bath, 'tis plain to see 
Thy middle name's inconstancy. 

— The Widow. 



THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



100 MAIN STREET 



Northampton 



STONE'S 

The Home of Great Benjamin and 
Washington Clothing 



Knox Hats Just Right Shoes 

Arrow Shirts and Collars 



BUT WHY BE JEALOUS? 

Jingo — Is there any difference between satis- 
fied and contented? 

Bings — Is there? Well, I'm satisfied Billings 
is going to bring my girl to the prom., but hanged 
if I'm contented. — 

— Dartmouth Jack o'Lantern. 
A VERY CLOSE SECOND 
Who won the race between the cabbage and 
the tomato? 

The cabbage — it came out a-head. 
What happened to the tomato? 
Oh, it couldn't ketch-up. 

— Princeton Tiger. 



For a tasty Dinner go to 



tEbe ©raper 

Served in Metropolitan Style 
Banquets a Specialty 



NORTHAMPTON 



MASSACHUSETTS 



Prepare for Your Trips at 

W. L. Chilson 

Trunks Bags Suit Cases Horse Goods 

Try us once and you will 
try us again 



141 Main Street 



Northampton 



Northampton 



Massachusetts 



IRabar's ITnn 

The Hotel Where There is Comfort Without Extrava- 
gance. More Popular Than Ever. Special 
Luncheon from 1 1 .30 to 2.00 p. m. Private 
Dining Rooms. A la Carte Service 
6.30 a. m. to 11.00 p. m. 



RICHARD J RAHAR, 



Proprietor 



HOW COLLEGE BOYS CHANGE 

If someone makes an extended answer in 
class while a 

Freshman, his classmates think: "Bull"; 

Sophomore, they think of it as: "Grind"; 

Junior, the conviction is: "Courage"; 

Senior, the opinion is: "Education." 

— Pennsylvania Punch Bond. 
APT TO BE TOO STRENUOUS 

The Poet (flapping virtuous pinions) — I just 
hate to hear a woman swear, y'know. 

The Girl (swinging him with both barrels) — 
Yes, some of you men just can't stand compe- 
tition in any line. — Dartmouth Jack o' Lantern. 




R. F, ARMSTRONG & SON 

Young Men's Suits 

Our young men's suits are 
built to fit you as though 
made to your measure. They 
impart to the college man 
the air of well bred distinc- 
tion that marks a man ot 
good taste. 

When in Hamp. come in 
and try on one of our Young 
Men's Suits. 

$12.50 to $25.00 

80 MAIN ST. 
Northampton, - Mass. 



Order Cooking 



Specials 



When In Hamp Visit 

The Elms Restaurant 

Best Quality Food Moderate Prices 

C. J. PANOS, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 



Rn Appeal 



# <§> ^ 

Men, we are a growing college, so there is no reason why we 
should not have a monthly publication similar to the Harvard 
Lampoon, the Dartmouth Jack-o'-Lantern or the Princeton Tiger. 

We can only have this if the student body co-operates with 
the board of editors. 

Don't sponge on the other fellow — buy a copy of your own. 

Patronize the men who advertise in our columns. It is they 
who make possible at all this publication. The larger the circu- 
lation, the more ads we can get, and the larger the paper will 
become — so get behind and boost. 

Alumni and faculty, subscribe for this magazine. It will make 
you smile and keep you young. 

To be entered at the Amherst Postoffice beginning next number. 

Subscriptions $1.50 per year, including the two large holiday 
numbers. '' 




Enter the Grand Prize Contest. A Easy Way to Get Rich Quick, 
Tear Out the Coupon and Fill in the Name You Wish this Paper Live 
up to. 

One Year's Subscription to the Winner 



e o. 



o ■<--. 






^7 






-..^^M^ir of ^ 

f"EB 2 41916 

i ; 




L^O -J 



PLYMOUTH INN 




A High-Class Hotel desirably located for 

Colleoe IPationaac 

Especially suited to the requirements of 

tourists on account of its pleasant 

location 



American and European Plans 
Special Attention to Banquets 



a 




'^ 



XafMe/d 



ry. 



(Sfutlrmpu'a iFurnialjtiin (^ooiia 

179 MAIN ST., NORTHAMPTON 

Our clothes have that perfect style, that 
puts the dash into a man's appearance. 

Our shoes add the snap that counts, 

And our Haberdashery completes the smart- 
ness that is so necessary for the college man. 

A visit will convince you. 



Be A Tailored Man 



From now on, men, watch this space. I am 
starting a selling campaign at Aggie. I want 
more Aggie men among my customers. My 
work is excellent, my prices low. Be a tailored 
man, it lends you distinction, and it is cheaper 
in the end. : : : : : 



I. M. LABROVITZ 



P. S. For perfect satisfaction in your clean- 
ing and pressing, try my system. : : : : 



Suggestions to Students 
to Patronize Advertisers 



Men \\\\o advertise are progi'essive. 
They have confidence in their Avares. It 
Avill pay you to visit them, and when you 
do, let them know j''ou are an Aggie man. 
It advertises the college and it will make 
a man feel that it is a good investment 
to advertise in a Massachusetts jjublica- 
tion. 

Tlic ultimate reward comes to you. 
Increase in advertising makes possible a 
larger and better paper. It will help both 
the Collegian and the Squib. 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Announcement 



T TAVING sold my interest in Springfield, I 
have equipped my new quarters in North- 
ampton with the most up-to-date equipment for 
testing eyes. 

Do not put off having your eyes examined 
any longer. I guarantee you a careful exam- 
ination and lenses that fit your eyes. 



Burdick Opticians Co. 

H. E. BURDICK, Optometrist 



56 MAIN ST. Northampton, Mass. 

Opposite First National Bank 



MERRITT CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 
This is the only Northampton Store Showing the Renowned 

^nrtrtg Irani (Clnttf^s 

"For Young Men and Men Who Stay Young" 



$ 



20 to *30 



Clothes that set the standards of men's fashions. 
Ulti'a modish, with all the "pep" that genius 
can put into garments and tailored to perfection 
by tailors who are masters of their craft. 

The "College Room" is Abloom 
With New Society Brand Models 

Newly from the Society Brand Tailor Shops — 
every one with the unmistakable earmarks of 
artistic genius and highest skill. 

Foreign and domestic suitings in patterns tow in 
instant approval. 

Agents for "PATRICK" Mackinaws 



School and College 



IPbotograpbers 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres. 

Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier 



First National Bank 

Northampton 




52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
New York City 




Do Your Banking Business with Us. 

Deposits Received by Mail will 

be Promptly Acknowledged 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



XLnkc a trip! 

Our Fall lines of clothing and 
correct accessories cannot be 
equalled in price or quality. 
Come in and see for yourself 

Sanderson & 1 hompson 


Get in Practice for the Winter 
Tournaments at 

Metcalf's Bowling Alleys 

Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 


"The Store with the College Atmosphere" 

College Drug Store 

ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES 


A STRANGE REQUEST 

Mrs. Gadsby — If any caller should ask for me 
or Mr. Gadsby, Nora, just say there's nobody 
home. 

New Maid (astonished) — But you said I 
wasn't to use slang. Ma'am! 

—Puck. 


For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring 
Your Guests to the 

Amherst House 

Catering to House Parties a Specialty 


J. GINSBURG 
Modern Shoe Repairing 

Buy a Shine Ticket— 23 Shines $1.00 
Black or Tan Shoes 

lU AMITY ST. AMHERST 


Copies of the 

Squib 

May be bought at the College Store 


A REMEDY 

"She doesn't like her new gown. It's pretty 
and all that, but she thinks it still needs some- 
thing to improve its shape." 

"Well, why doesn't she let some other girl 
wear it?" 

— New York Sun. 


NOT HIGH GRADE 

Irate Motorist — Say, this darned car won't 
climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine! 
Dealer — I said, "On the level it's a good car." 

— California Pelican. 


A An Economical ^ 
^ Christmas Gift ^ 


Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds 
You of Home 

North Knd Lunch 

On the Left as You Enter the Campus 


A COLLEGE CALENDAR 

PUBLISHED BY THE ATHLETIC FIELD FUND 
Every Calendar Helps The Field 

SEE 

CURRY S. HICKS. HAROLD L. SULLIVAN, 18 
FORREST GRAYSON, '18 ROGER CHAMBERS, '18 
NALCOME MARS, '17 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



UNEEDA LUNCH 

LABROVITZ BLOCK 

Steaks and Chops Our Specials. Come 

here for especially delicious 

Oysters and Scallops 

in season. 


'*^or the 1 ,and's Sace" 
Bowker 


soPHo:sroRE soxnet subjects 

"To Billy's Ford." 

"On the Death of Tich's Dog." 

"How "We Love Arcella, or Vorticella Wc Have 

in Our House." 
"To My Beloved Master, Charles Chaplin." 
"Congratulations to the Dean on the Arrival of 


HENRY ADAMS CO. 

ttbe no. H. C. 

Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 


"Inspirations Drawn from My Fountan Pen." 
"Thots on the Car to Hamp." 


"What mo' kin you ask," said Brother Williams, 
"than three good, squar" meals a day, a shelter 
from de winter wind, an' a liope dat Christmas 
won't be too long a-comin'?" 

— Atlanta Cnngtitiitioii . 


Compliments of 


R. D. Marsh Estate 

STUDENT FURNITURE 


Wholesome old fashion food served in 
the most modern manner at the 

COLONIAL INN 

At the entrance to the campus 


Take Thought! Take Heed! 


With several other companies competing, lasts year's 
senior committee voted unanimously to let Barlow insure 
them in the Connecticut General — a company in which most 
of the seniors were personally insured already. 

See BARLOW Over the Savings Bank 


For the Latest Magazines, Post Cards and 
Stationery of all Kinds Come to 

A. J. Hastings 

i'tattntirr nnh Npuiafiral^r 

The Squib sold here 


NOBODY HOME 

Tish — And believe me, she's some girl. 

Tush— Clever? 

Tish — Oh, very! She's got brains enough for 
two. 

Tush — Just the girl for you — Why don't you 
marry her? 

— Awgiran. 


GILMORK TIIKATUK 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 

Four Days Every Week. Beginning Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Compliments of 

A J. GALLUP INC. 

We sell 

Hart Schaffner & Marx Clothes 



293-297 HIGH ST., 



HOLYOKE, MASS. 



BOLLES' 

College %Shoes 



MODERN REPAIR DEPARTMENT 



TABOOED TOPICS (Lacking Seriousness) 
"Thots Returning" (from above) 
"The Squib." 

"On My First Invitation to Come Over Sunday." 
"Heart of Alonzo, Unbroken." 
"Heatness and Light, or the Growth of the 

Power Plant." 
"Banded Together in a Common Cause — To 

Make Noise." 
"Would That I might Rise at Dawn." 
"On the Possibilities of a Five Spot." 
"The College Senate." 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 



The Happy Hunting Grounds for 
Ye Aggie Men 



MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS 



INCONSISTENT 

"Then you don't think I practice what I 
preach, eh?" queried the minister, in talking with 
one of the deacons at a meeting. 

"No, sir: I don't," replied the deacon. "You've 
been preachin' on the subject of resignation for 
two years, an' ye haven't resigned yet." 

— Tit-Bits. 



o • '^ 




A GOOD OPENING FOR 
FRESHMEN 

# 

Patronize Our Advertisers 




THE PROSPECT HOUSE 



UP-TO-DATE ROOMS AVITH BATLI 


ATTR 


A C T I V E 


D I N I N (J ROOM 


SPECIAL 


ATTENTION 


TO TRANSIENTS 



TELEPHONE 



83 5 



MENTION THIS PUBLICATION WHEN SPEAKING TO THE ADVERTISERS 



i 




077 



^i tetanic )'/i/io^M 



zJ/ianMf/imna St^ma^ 



a/i ot/im<^ t/uHf/^ 



S^ ume cnanae me all ^nau note; 
^of- on tnat da if 
^an tv^ not iU'U 

^ne lit^Keif ti t/ie aoatP 





PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 



F. C. LARSON '17 
Editor-in-Chief 

A. E. LINDOUIST '16 
Business Manager 



C. H. HALLET '17 



Art Editors 
F. K. BAKER '18 



L. T. BUCKMAN '17 
Associate Editor 
H. M. WARREN '17 
Circulating Editor 



H. A. PRATT '17 



$1.50 A 


YEAR 




"QUID AGIS AGE 


AGGIE" 




15 


CENTS A 


COPY 










Published Once A 


Month 










Ail business communications should be addressed to th 
coinmimications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as 


e Business Manager; 
well as all drawings. 


literary 


Vol. 


II 






NOVEMBER, 


1915 








No. 5 




THANKSGIVING 

QUIBBY conceives Thanks- 
giving as a student's day of 
thanks, and as he recollects 
back to the period after the 
good old Roman days he 
finds Shakespeare muttering: 
"How sharper than a ser- 
pent's tooth it is 

To have a thankless 
student." 

To us Thanksgiving sig- 
nifies "eats," good "eats," and 
friend, our dearest friend, and 
last but not least, a gluttonous appetite. This shift combination can not be equaled. The dig- 
nified turkey although known as the King of Them x\ll, rests peacefully sizzling away in the oven, 
realizing that the heaven he perceived was far different from the one which he attained. But think 
of our dear little tape-worm, who shouts with glee at the thought of Thanksgiving, for to him "What 
is so rare as a bit of turkey." The poor half-starved creature in his abode is accustomed to hash, 
and re-hash and then some. Is it not a miracle that this poor unsophisticated young one should 
not have previously died in vain? 

But Squibby protests against gluttony and says, "Do not worship the food that you slip down 
your oesophagus but be thankful that you are still alive and leading the jolly life of M. A. C. students. 
We may be thankful that the old "Aggie Pep" still exists, although the Freshmen have not as yet 
grasped the real significance of it.^ Another cheering circumstance fitted to increase witli us one 



14 



THE SQUIB 



thankfulness is the development of "leadership" which the football team has demonstrated to the 
public. Last, and foremost of all we may be grateful that "Prexy" has fully decided to remain 
with us, for we all know that under his leadership the college has flourished and will continue to 



flourish. 



14-13 



So let us all be thankful, although: — 

Our allowances do not increase proportionately to the taxes levied at Assembly. 
The ubiquitous omnipotent Dean's Board makes us cognizant of the fact that we still have a 
Faculty. 

We are still required to attend classes occasionally. 

The Informal Committee does not provide the "Gallery Gods" with opera glasses at the informals. 

We have not as yet received invitations to witness the mitiatory exercises of our Co-ed sorority. 

STILL BE THANKFUL, for, 

The B. & M. still continues to run to Boston and toothpicks are selling for the same price. 

14-13 

CO-EDS AND FELLOW-BEINGS, MR. SQUIB 

The staff takes great pleasure in introducing to you, Mr. Squib, who from now on will fill the 
vacancy left by Mr. War Cry the deceased husband of Salvation Army Nell. Because of Squibbifs 
bashfulness we deem it essential that we should give you a few reasons why he should appear as 
the title-holder of this paper. 

In the first place, Mr. Squib, as he is understood by authors of fame, has the honor of having 
a name, which although short, has several meanings. He is understood by them as a firework, a 
flashy fellow, making a noise,' but doing no great harm. He sometimes assumes the spirit of a rocket, 
and is so thought of, because of his ability to dart or flash along swiftly. Often times, he appears 
in the spirit of a whip, because he is the instigator of speed. But foremost of all he is a great writer 
of satyr as well as scribbler of wit and sarcastic speech. 

Thus, fellow-beings receive him with open arms and possibly his influences may help to put 
a little speed into our systems where it is most needed. Then here's to Squibby, let us break one 
more bottle of Bryan's grape juice on his witty dome, and christen the paper after him. Mr. Squib 
step forward and let them look you over. 

Finally, let us not overlook the various names which were suggested, for we are "noochal" and 
do not desire war. Therefore to avoid any broken bones we have decided, that the bright one who 
passed in the name "The Green Rooster" was favored by the "Goddess of Chance" and consequently 
receives a subscription to "The Squib" for one year. 

14-13 

There isn't a man on the campus who hasn't a good word for the team and the coach. Let us be 
thankful that we have had such a well liked and experienced man as Doctor Brides. Let us do all 
in our power to keep him here, for with his services Aggie will never lack a good football team. 

What are they saying at Springfield? "Sh — Sh — ". "You'll find out." 







15 



THE SQUIB 




A PROTEST 

The Turkey — "No Sir: nothing like that in our 
family. 



16 



—THE SQUIB^= 

AS WE SAW THEM AT THE MASS MEETING 





As "Billy" imagined us after the Tuft's Game 

# 

"SUPPOSED TO BE THE 
GERMICIDAL PERIOD" 

INSTRUCTOR— Suppose a cow is milked at 
^ 6 o'clock, what time is it at 6.45? 
Student — I don't know. 

# 

THE REASON 

WHY do they call a tugboat 'she'? " 
Said the girl to the mate of the Thistle. 
"I dunno," says he, "but it seems to me, 
That it must be they call her 'she' 

On account of the awful noise, you see 
She makes when she tries to whistle. 



YEA AMOEBA 

A good way of getting in free to the game. 



CONCERNING A BIRD 

A TURKEY is a wondrous bird 
And, by a method cunning 
It often Lasts upon my word 
For thirty days hand running 
It lasts so long upon the hoof 
So long upon the dummy 
That even Tish's dog (if he were living) stands 

aloof 
When Hannah boils the mummy. 

17 



THE SQUIB 



PRrXE! PRUNE! PRUNE! 

A Dessertation 
"If this be Kultur, make a kick about it." 

Prunella. 

THE fo:ail)ination of gridiron contests, political 
rejoicing (or \veeping), affairs of the heart, 
major pursuits and minor difficulties should not 
by any means be the only filling of the cerebrum 
grooves of the Aggie man. Three times a day 
(or moi'e) he seeks a quiet environment, and 
tliere, excluding all sordid worliUy thoughts from 
his throbbing brain, he communicates with his 
inner self. The period of revery is brief, but of 
what importance' What have been the messages 
which flashed into that inner receiver? They 
are measured by a sort of esthetic vector, cjuality 
X and quantity Y being the components. - The 
quantity is voluntary within a certain limit. The 
quality is involuntary, of a retiring nature, and 
often beyond the limit. In pursuance of this 
unknown or doubtful value X let us orient the 
problem through the planes of Zoology, Physics, 
Chemistry, Agronomy, Pomology, Pathology, 
Dietetics and world-wide Humanitarianism. As 
an example, let us consider an example which 
though simple in appearance is infinitely complex, 
and therefore offers a wonderful opportunity to 
the student for close observation, cogitation, and 
moral determination. I refer to the pep-less 
prune. 

Zoo-illogicalh^ considered, the Prune belongs to 
the inanimate world, and is willing to share its 
belongings. In the first place, it is always com- 
po.sed of the same invariable constituents — '■! — 
and — ! — in equal proportions. Fortunately for 
man tJie prune does not reproduce itself. The 
prune course, often repeated, has as its pre- 
requisite a good digestion and a varsity stomach. 
It responds to no stimulus known to the collegiate 
world, except to an awayward motion. 

It is classified as follows: 
. PrunuH desertus 
Grade, Itiferioris 
Phylum, Getsuzoa 

Cla.ss, Pecidiaris 
Sub-Class, Frequentis 
Order, Indif/estibilia 
Sub-Order, Damnae 

Genus, Fnuuiti Species, desertiis 
Ex|>lanalion of terms in the classification: 

TJie worrl Prune is a niisnomer. Prune really.^ 
really ineanscull. The grach' is tfio ol)vious to 
requii'c ex])]anation. (irtsvzoii refers to the ])sy- 
chologica! effect on Ihe linm.-ni animal. 'I'he 
class, I'ccidiari.s, imlii-ales llial Ihe I'l'uiie is in 
a chiss by itself, odd, bizai-re, bill iiol rare. The 
Siil)-Class inriicates lis general a ppe.iranee; the 
Order inr-lndes the I'niiic and lliose Ml lie sugared 
po'mnies-de-rthere wliii-li cnnie in ebislei's of 



three and are usually left in the triplet formation. 
The title of the Sub-Order is a well known French 
expletive, meaning; "toward an obscure des- 
tination." The genus requires no genius to 
understanil, l>ut tlie species desertus indicates 
the reaction of Homo sapiens on it, that is, a 



OwiDu/i 



'poaHjm ryjar 




negative accompaniynent of the deserted dessert. 

The Prune is a non-succulent devoid, having 
a slight i)rojection on the front known as the 
panteria. This is the part by which it is placed 
in the pan, the panhandle so to speak. The 
malniitriuK is an impossible underspasm. The 
fi/ebers are tough, solid strips with a powerful 
defense. The POSTUM REAR indicates that 
they follow breakfast food eagerly. They are 
inadvertently fossil, however. The EXTER- 
MINATUS; the name indicates the tendency; 
is the (s)hell-like outer region. The INFERNIS 
is the horror horribilium of the Prune, which is 
exceeded in low character of texture only by 
the GONBIUS, an area which increases in size 
as the specimen adds birthda^ys. This, Phil- 
osophomores, et al., is the Zoology of the Prune. 
Specimens may be seen at Draper Museum, 
where there is no caretaker and where the Curator 
doesn't do his duty. 

Physically — but it isn't all coming now, NO, 
"not by any means." 

Continued in our next — The Squib article, not 
the genuine article — we hope not the latter. 
Meanwhile, beware. 

\ , 




._-^ 



"Had I a home Colonial, with furnishings 
baronial, I miglil. feel matrimonial — but NOT 
on six a week. 



THE SQUIB 



THANKSGIVING 

B/1-LOTAHE 

f/earfresh t-^rh^^ 
HarJUodsJpofahs 

JJurn dum^ 

he 

Ice l/cLter 




HEROES 

Some heroes, probably the first time they did it. 
Moral: Never again. 

# 

SONG FOR THANKSGIVING 

(Sung to — We're on the field) 

WHEN around the dish you slide and slip 
And do gymnastics jerky 
It's tough on you, but don't you think 

It's tougher on the turkey? 
Then rally around the table boys, and tickle the 
bird a bit 
For if you've had experience, j^ou'll know just 
where to hit 

(Chorus) 
Then crash through the turkey boys? 

And batter down it's wings 
Eat! Eat! As much as you can, until you're 
satisfied 
For Thanksgiving day is here. Rah! Rah! 
Then remove one of it's legs, 

And partake of a little bread 
Use a little gravy, and you'll soon be hazy 
Swallow a little piece of its heart 
F. O. B. AMHERST For you'll then be ready to depart 

Is it good sound farm practice to play football? To eternity where dreaiis come true. 




19 



THE SQUIB 




FOOTBALL EXPRESSIONS 

50—50 
Who is going to get her? 



20 



THE SQUIB 



ENTOMOLOGY WHILE YOU WAIT 

The Earwigs 

THESE insects were formerly called earwiggles, 
due to their annoying habit of wiggling 
their ears whenever an enemy approached. In 
the course of time, the name has been shortened, 
but the ears appear to be as long as ever. The 
earwigs are characterized bj^ a small pin-shaped 
head, and mouth-parts for chewing and spitting. 
They take their food wherever they can get it, 
and are said to be unsanitary in their personal 
habits. Earwigs travel chiefly by night, but as 
they do not carry a light it is hard to find them 
except by the smell. In some districts they ai-e 
very injurious, owing to their habit of eating 
the corks out of beer-bottles, and then falling 
into the bottles. To avoid this, the ingenious 
householder should open the beer bottles as soon 
as they are delivered, disposing of the contents 
in any way that appeals to him. Treatment: 
Where earwigs are too numerous and militant, 
steps should be taken to step on them. A man 
should never attack them single-handed: he will 
need the use of both hands and feet. For indoor 
work, the hunter will find it desirable to use a 
force of beaters. These beaters can be obtained 
at any rug and furniture store, for 25 cents each. 
In New Jersey, earwigs are exterminated by 
boring holes in the floor. The earwigs are unable 
to see the holes, as there is nothing there for them 
to see. Consequently they will fall down into 
the cellar, where they are killed by the accelera- 
tion ... 






Which Will You Have, Boys, Chicken or Turkey.? 



CHANGED 

1^0 longer does he say "Goldarn," 

*~ "Gewhittaker '" nor yet "Consarn," 

Nor does he chew a wisp of straw 

Or laugh with rasping Haw-Haw-Haw 

Or dress in clothes that do not fit. 

Or with fool schemes get often bit. 

He drives no shaggy, limping "skate" 

His motor car is up to date. 

His clothing now is in the style 

Sophisticated is his smile 

His wife wears costumes in the mode 

And modern quite is his abode. 

His children all to college go 

And system lets him profits show 

He works, and yet has time to play — 

This is the farmer of today. 

A CONFESSION OF AN M. A. C. STUDENT. 

¥ AM a Thanksgiver. 

* I have a generous and grateful nature. 

I also have a splendid appetite, depending on 
where I eat. 

I also am always ready to have a holiday. 

I look forward to the last Thursday in November 
with considerable pleasure, thinking of the 
"doings" in my own home town. 

I know of course, that when I do get a square 
meal I am going to eat too much; but at 
the same time, I will have plenty of leisure 
in which to digest it. 

I have a vague notion, furthermore, that I am 
somehow eating in a good cause. 

I conclude that all the Hash House Guards are 
in the same boat, and that as a matter of 
fact, it is a hollow ceremony, without force 
or effect, except perhaps, as a sacrifice to 
the God of Gluttony. 

I am sorry to reach this conclusion but I can 
find no other way out of it. 

I am a Thanksgiver. 

21 



THE SQUIB 



NOTICE 
^X7E have procured the services of Miss Sau 
' ' Sage at a very high compensation, to 
conduct a matrimonial bureau, using the columns 
of this paper as a medium. She will upon request, 
if satisfactory references are furnished, secure 
introductions to blonds, brunettes, or strawberry 
blonds, according to individual taste. 

She will also answer all questions regarding 
love, sentiment and marriage (also divorce, if 
necessarj') . 

Below you will find letters from two love- 
smitten swains with the valuable advice Miss 
Sau Sage has given in answer to same. 
Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

I am a young gentleman (if I may call 
myself such) of uncertain age, deficient in 
the knowledge of love. I am in love with 
a beautiful blond, yet I am not certain that 
I do love her. My symptoms are peculiar. 
I adore her when in her comjDany, but when 
away from her my thoughts wander to some 
other blond. What would you do? Give her 
up and never see her again. ^ 

Thanking you for your kind consideration, 
I am. 

Your 

Hopeless Jack. 
P. S. She is very rich. 
Dear Hopeless Jack: 

To judge from your letter I should say 
there are a FEW things you don't know. 
Of course if you will meet me some evening, 
I'll soon tell you if you are a gentlemen or 
not, and perhaps I will be able to tell you 
approximately how old you are also. 

I'd advise you to stick to her and marry 
her as soon as pos.sible, and if it is still a case 
of "out of sight, out of mind", just extract 
her money and shoot up the town with the 
other blond. 



COPH: I understand they've adopted military 
*^ training at Smith. 

Fre.sh: Gwan. 

Soph: Straight dope, (io over to Hamp any 
Saturday — you'll see half of Smith College up in 
arms. 

CHE: Do you use tlic Moiilessori system at 
*^ Aggie? 

He: Xo, we use tlic iJrides svstcm. 



f INKS— What's that fellow eating toast for? 
I didn't know he was an athlete. 
Skinks — Oh, he'.s Iniiiiing for lljc ucxl iiif(ii-m;il. 



Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

Last week I attended a party at the home 
of a friend, and there I met a charming 
young lady whom I would like to get better 
acquainted with. She has a beautiful face, 
but she weighs 210 pounds. I am asking 
your advice as to how I could hug her. 
Yours in doubt, 

I. M. Nuttie. 
My dear I. M. Nuttie: 

My advice to you is to tear this fair vision 
out of your heart at once, and think no 
more of her. In the first place it would be 
rather damaging to parlor furniture which 
would have to support you while courting, 
and secondly it would be rather damaging to 
your pocket book after marriage to feed and 
clothe this baby elephant. 

If, however, your affections have liecome 
so fir:aily rooted that they cannot be uprooted 
try this formula in hugging her. 

Take a piece of chalk in either hand and 
when you have your arms around her as far as 
you can reach, make a chalk mark to show 
where you left off, then go around to tlie other 
side and make up the deficiency. I hope this 
will help you out of your embarrassing 
position. 




DE MEAT OF IT 
jTVEY say dat turkeys am outer sight, 
*-' But what do ah care fer dat? 
Dey say de taters done got de blight. 
But what do ah care fer dat? 
Lor bress yer, honey, 'taint what yer eat, 
Dat makes T'anksgiliben day so sweet; 
'Tis de smile an' laugh, an' grasp er dc hand! 
Dat makes dat day so mighty gran'. 
So don' yer mind what de croakers say, 
But meet all folks in yer hapjiies' way, 
Fei- dill's what makes T'anksgibben day. 



22 



THE SQUIB 




THANKSGIVING HERE AND THERE 



23 




Just to Bring a few Memories Back to You 
(Sobs) And to think winter is coming soon. 



24 



SOON? 
Just Released by the 
SOAP FILM SYNDICATE 
DAIVD LASKY PRESENTS 
LULU LOCKE (SMITH) in 

"A MURDERER'S LOVE" 

WILL APPEAR AT THE FOLLOWING 
THEATRES, 

Howard Athaeneum, Boston. 
Gaiety Theatre, Boston 
Poli's Palace, Springfield 
Aggie Movietorium, Amherst. 



DELINQUENCY BLANK 

Millinery Department, 

Amherst, Mass., June 1, 1920 
The Adjutant, Corps of Cadets: 

Sir: — The following Cadets are reported for 
Horrid Behavior: 

NAMES DELINQUENCY 



Algernon Dub 

Percy Frankfurt 
Cholley Pinochle 
Reginald Rausmitem 
Willie Winkle 



Using rank language in 
the ranks. 

(Culprit said "piffle"). 

Failure to have nose pow- 
dered. 

Black shoes (instead of 
dancing pumps). 

Giggling at the Com- 
mandant. 

Failure to bring Official 
Book of Etiquette and 
Dancing Regulations. 



THE SQUIB= 



THE PROGRESS OF HASHING 
A PIN-DERRICK ODE 
THE STOVE 

HOW we miss thee, old Dog-cart 
Without thee now the place is bare; 
Though many others do upstart, 
Like Aggie Inn, now standing there. 
'Tis crowded with them, but I miss 
Thee, old Dog-Cart, and all that bliss 
Which once was mine, with coffee and with roll: 
Late breakfast, supper, lunch and midday loll. 
Those were the happy days of youth, 
With credit good, though dimes were few; 
I shared the stories told, forsooth, 
And mustard drove away the blue. 
The broken steps, the rich red glass, 
We often watched — and cut a class. 
# 
THE UNDERTOAV 

THEN came the change; commercial chance 
Upon the campus brought me then; 
They took thee off, a circumstance 
Removing thee from out my ken. 
And now — I sit down to a table 
And eat what-not, as best I'm able. 
There is a weary bill of fare. 
Without thine old esthetic air; 
And now with muffin and with beans 
I choke and think of other scenes 
That was the life, in good Bohemia's school, 
When you could sing and kick and tilt your stool. 



THE ANTIDOTE 

13 UT while I pay my board 

•*-' For four weeks at a time, 

I fain would give my scanty hoard 

To be with thee, the object of my rime. 

The Chicken dinners have to me no taste, 

The weakly ice cream is a weakly waste; 

I feebly play with napkin, knife and fork, 

I sit and ponder — no desire to talk. 

Ah, would that I could rise tomorrow morn 

And to thy welcome door fast run, 

No linen tablecloth, no signing on. 

Just bowl, and spoon, and flakes — that's fun. 

That cannot be; but I know why 

My eye grows bright, my throat grows dry. 

When mention's made of good old days, 

My heart for one more banquet prays. 

But if in thy new town thou seest my grin. 

Slide open wide the door and I'll come in. 



PEPTONES 

PADDLE your own canoe — and every Fresh- 
man. 
Buy THE SQUIB or be a Simple Sponge ("I 
Grantia that.") 

For a mental stimulus — read "The Collegian." 
Wed., Nov. 17, 6 p. m.: Don't sew on the 
button, do not clean your gun. 

For the D — d — drill is over, and our victory 
is won. 



George Ray '16, 
L. H. Johnson, 



CONTRIBUTERS 
J. F. Whitney '17, 
A. Campbell 



L. C. Higgins '18, 
E. B. Hill '17 




THE LAST 



25 



IPictiue 
Jfraniintj 

J. Murphy '16 P. C. Harlow '17 

Agents for Miller Co., Northampton 


Our Motto is "SERVICE" 


**Ye Aggie Inn" 

"EVERYTHING IS SO TASTY" 


Student Supplies of all Kinds in our Store 


You Want the Best Fountain 
Pen on the Market 

Safety is the Pen 

A Self-filling Pen, Ground to Your Own 
Handwriting 

C. H. HALLETT, '17 88 Pleasant St. 


College Barber 

Spencer '18 

HOURS: 
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday 
and Friday, 3.00 to 8.00 p. m. 
Wednesday. 6.30 to 8.00 p. m. x •! i A i" I CI 

Saturday, 8.00 a.m. to 2.00 p. m. 1 oilet Articles on aale 


Class and Fraternity Pipes 

Mountings in Silver 
Initials on ferrule M and numerals on bowl 

See CHIP BOYD or WILLIS '19 


A gift that will spread Massachusetts over the 
country and is sure to please 

Christmas Sale of Banners 

At the 

College Store 

Get our prices before buying elsewhere 


GOOD ENOUGH, AFTER ALL 

"I cm givz you a cold bite," said the woiian. 
"Why not war:n it up?" asked the tramp. 
"There ain't any wood sawed." 
"So? Well, give it to me cold." 

— New Vorl: Sim. 


ACADEMY OF MUSIC PROGRAM 
LADIES FIRST 

Indignant Husband (to man who, while stand- 
ing in a train, has been thrown against a lady 
and used bad language) — How dare you swear, 
sir, before my Avife? 

Passenger — I'm awfully sorry, sir — A-ery sorry 
indeed! You see I didn't know your wife 
wanted to swear first. 

— Sfrai/ Stories. 


THE FAMOUS NEW YORK 

Kirkpatrick Shoe 

Exclusive Lasts 


Don't "BUM" Paper From Your Room-mate 

1 heme or Practice Paper 

Ruled or Unruled Punched 


500 Sheets - 70 Cents 
LATHAM '17 MERRILL '17 


BOYD '18 WILLIS '19 



THE :MEX who AI)\ER:JTSE have SOMETHIX(i WORTH OFFERING 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



G, Henry Clark 

iUatcb maker 
and Iciocler 

Fine Watch repairing of all grades of American 
and Swiss makes. French and American Clocks 
repaired and guaranteed, will call for and 
return. Official Watch Inspector for B. & M. R.R. 

76 Main St., Northampton 


Prices Carved for 1 hanksging 
lime Traders at Daniel's 

MIGHTY SAVINGS and a MONSTER STOCK 
Daniel's prices are possible only to Daniel and 
are produced through immense spot cash buying 
direct from manufacturers — not through any 
scrimping in value. 

OVERCOATS 

Sensational Selling at $9.98, $12.50, $15.00 
HARRY DAN I FJ, Northampton, Mass. 


" lOHNNIE!" 
J "Yes'm." 

"Why are you sitting on that boy's face.'" 

"Why, I—" 

"Did I not tell you to always count a hundred 
before you gave way to passion and struck 
another boy.''" 

"Yes'm, and I'm doin' it; I'm just sittin' on 
his face so he'll be here when I'm done countin' 
the hundred." 

— Houston Post. 


FATHER'S KIND 

li^ OTHER— AVhat kind of a show did papa 

A'^ take j'ou to see while you wei-e in the city.'' 

BOBBIE — It was a dandy show, mama, with 

ladies dressed in stockings clear up to their necks. 

—Pud;. 

¥ ¥E — Are your feet tired, darling.' 
ri Her— No. Why? 

He — Would you mind dancing on them.' 
Mine are. 

— Michigan Gargoyle. 


Custom Clothes $15 to $50 
GEORGE C. LEE Representing 

Browning, King Company 

Announces that he may be seen now at August 
Tailoring Rooms, Sherwin's New Block, on 
Wednesdays, other days by appointment. 

Address mail to South Deerfield, Mass. 


Order Cooking Specials 

When In Hamp Visit 

The Elms Restaurant 

Best Quality Food Moderate Prices 
C. J. PANOS, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 


^^^\ Northampton Art Store 

\rl ^ ^pwtaltij 

Live Agents Wanted at M. A. C. 
At Once 

GET IN FOR CHRISTMAS BUSINESS 

Near Smith College 


PRIMA FACIE EVIDENCE 

Professor — You have a wonderful talent for 
painting ! 

Muriel — Dear me, professor, how interesting! 
how can you tell.' 

Professor — I see it in your face! 

# 

She — You're a fool to hesitate. 

He — Wise men hesitate — only fools are'certain. 

She — Are you sure? 

He — Certain. 

— Pennsylvania Punclihowl. 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 



/Fleming's ^oot Jhop 

211 MAIN Street 



NORTHAMPTON, 



MASS. 



E. Alberts 

IRegal Sboes 

FOR YOUNG MEN 



241 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



NO CLUE 

JNIaud — What was in that last package you 
opened? 

Beatrix — My Christmas present from Aunt 
Janie. 

Maud— What is it? 

Beatrix (ghxncing at gift-bag) — She has 
neglected to say. 

— Life. 



AGAIN THE TEMPTER 

The sailor had been showing the lady visitor 
over the ship. In thanking him she said: 

"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are 
forbidden." 

"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, 
"so were the apples in the Garden of Eden." 

— Tit- Bits. 

# 

"But I haven't enough work to keep an able- 
bodied man like you busy." 
"Oh, I sha'n't mind that." 

— Houston Post. 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 



247-249 Main Street 



Northampton 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

^he JeWel 
Store 

Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

, Telephone 1307-M 




Opticians 



Particular Merit 



O. I. Dewhurst 

201 MAIN ST. 

Opp. City Hall Northampton 

Telephone 184-W 



AMBIGUOUS 

Uncle Sol threw aside the letter he was reading 
and uttered an exclamation of inrpatience. 

"Doggone!" he cried, "why can't people be 
more explicit?" 

"Wliat's the matter, pa?" asked Aunt Sue. 

"This letter from liome," Uncle Sol answered, 
"says father fell out of tlie old apple tree and 
broke a limb." 

— Young stown Telegram. 



THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



PHELPS & GARE 

112 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 



"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over 
our stock at any time. 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton , Massachusetts 

EUROPEAN PLAN 



The Best Place To Dine 

GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 

ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD 

50-CENT LUNCHEON FROM 11-30 TO 2 P. M. 

Special Dishes at All Hours 



R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



A HAPPY POSSIBILITY 

"Let's drop into this restaurant." 
"I don't believe I care to eat anything." 
"Well, come in and get a new hat for your 
old one, anyway." 

— Boston Transcript. 



She — I cannot accept the offer of your love. 
He — I will he just as well satisfied if you return 
it. — Baltimore American. 



TREBLA BROS. 

Wholesalers and Retailers 

IN 

FRUIT & PRODUCE 



Tel. 665 



265 MAIN ST 



Northampton, Mass. 



R. F. Armstrong & Son 

A Pleasing Fit Here 

Always 

Until a man is satisfied with 
the fit of his clothes We're not satis- 
fied to take his money — the transac- 
tion is closed only after the fit is 
right. 

Cheerfully we make needed alter- 
ations — cheerfully plan to please. 
Why not since a man's trade is won, 
and held, only when things go right? 
We've got to please with the fit if We 
expect to profit through faith of the 
man who comes here to buy. 

Prices $8.00 to $25.00 

80 Main St., Northampton, Mass. 




Competition Still On 

Business and Editorial 
Department 

Men Wanted From Each 
Class 

Hand Names in at Once 



"Is she really musical.^" 

"A genuine artist. You should hear her refrain 
from singing." 

—Life. 



Mr. Borem — Shall we talk or dance .^ 
jNIiss Weereight — I'm A-ery tired. Let us 
dance. 

— Boston Transcript. 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 



Jhe J4otel is)orthy 

The Home of College Men When in Springfield 

Special Attention to College Dinners 

Centrally Located Exceptional Cuisine 

Complete in all Appointments 




303 MAIN STREET 



Two Minutes Walk From the Station 



It is better to 
have your 

U^rinting 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

IPrintitiG— IRuling— BinMno 

North Adams, Mass. 



Transcript 
Photo Engraving Company 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 

Engravers of Merit 




We Solicit Work in College 
Publications 
Get Our Rates 



oLC 'Z a 1915 




PLYMOUTH INN 




A High- Class Hotel desirably located for 

College IPatronage 

Especially suited to the requirements of 

tourists on account of its pleasant 

location 



American and European Plans 
Special Attention to Banquets 



I. M. LABROVITZ 

The Quality Tailor 




HE season for dress suits is 
coming again. 

Every collage man needs 
one, and a dress suit should 
of all clothes be tailor made. 
Due to the the dull season for tailors, 
I am offering now special rates. 

Every garment to be of perfect fit 
and best material. 

Next time you're down town come 
in and let me show you. 

Dress suits for rent 



(Spittlpmfu'a iffitrntal)tng ^oaba 

179 MAIN ST., NORTHAMPTON 



Our clothes have that perfect style, that 
puts the dash into a man's appearance. 

Our shoes add the snap that counts, 

And our Haberdashery completes the smart- 
ness that is so necessary for the college man. 

A visit will convince you. 



Advertising Chats 



® ® 



Do you realize that the fifteen cents you 
paid for this number is just about onehalf 
of its individual publishing cost. 

The men who bought space in the Squib 
are the ones who paid the rest. 

. Just as a courtesy to them, next time 
you have occasion to purchase something 
give them a chance to show you what 
they have to offer. 

They vv^ill appreciate it too, if you just 
mention that you noticed their ad in the 
Squib. 



Squibby takes this opportunity to wish all its 
advertisers and supporters a Very Merry Christ- 
mas and may your next year be even more 
prosperous than the one just past. 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



"The Machine You Will Eventually Buy" 

Ifnden^ood J't/pewriter 

The Solid, Speedy Machine 
That Will Give the Best 
Results for the Longest 
Time Easy Payment 



I 



Fl 



IB 



ilOd 



Springfield Office 234 WORTHINGTON ST. 

C. H. PRENTICE, Manager 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres. 

Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier 

First National Bank 

Northampton 




Do Your Banking Business with Us. 

Deposits Received by Mail will 

be Promptly Acknowledged 



School and College 

ipbotOGrapbers 




mms) 



52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



IFDeabquaitets 

For Full Dress Suits and Accessories 
for the Copley Plaza Concert 



Sanderson & Thompson 



Highland Hotel 



Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
New York City 



The headquarters for Aggie men, when they are 
in Springfield. Its excellent cuisine and pleasant 
atmosphere makes every meal leave a pleasant 
memory. 

Music every evening. 

Springfield, Mass. 



CO-OPERxVTE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Compliments of 

\l. D. Marsi Rstate 

STUDENT FURNITURE 


Get in Practice for the Winter 
Tournaments at 

Metcalf's Bowling Alleys 

Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 


Take Thought! Take Heed! 

With several other companies competing, lasts year's 
senior committee voted unanimously to let Barlow insure 
them in the Connecticut General — a company in which most 
of the seniors were personally insured already. 

See BARLOW Over the Savings Bank 


"The Store with the College Atmosphere" 

College Drug Store 

ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES 


THE LUCKLESS HUNTER 

TTHE hunter had but little luck 
*■ For he was out to shoot a buck; 
He shot a farmer's cow instead, 
Worth fifty bucks, the farmer said. 

Rumble — "One of the penalties of great pop- 
ularity." 


For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring 
Your Guests to the 

Amherst House 

Catering to House Parties a Specialty 


Wholesome old fashion food served in 
the most modern manner at the 

COLONIAL INN 

At the entrance to the campus 


Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds 
You of Home 

North h.nd Lunch 

On the Left as You Enter the Campus 


JUST RECEIVED 

1918 and 1919 College Stationery 

Start the New Year right by. having 
a good diary. 

A large assortment at 

A. J. HASTINGS 

News Dealer and Stationer 


THE MOTOR MAID 

There was a young maid of Detroit, 

Who at driving her car was adroit. 

But her speed was too great, 

And her turn came too late, 

And so the young lady was hoit. 

— Tiger. 


GILMORE THKATRE 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 

Four Days Every Week. Beginning Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 


HENRY ADAMS CO. 

Z\)C fID. H. (I. 

Druooists & 

Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



THE MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 




Uj 



^STmassQ 



^ ((HP 

m 




PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULT URAL COLLEGE 

F. C. LARSON '17 L. T. BUCKMAN '17 

Editor-in-Chief Associate Editor 

A. E. LINDQUIST '16 H. M. WARREN '17 

Circulating Editor 



C. H. HALLET '17 




Art Editors 
F. K. BAKER '18 H. A. PRATT '17 


$1.50 A YEAR 




"QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 15 CENTS A COPY 


Published Once A Month 


All business communications should be addressed to the Business Manager; literary 
communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all drawings. 


Vol. II. 




DECEMBER, 1915 No. 6 



IGH not, kind readers, if it 
be in your hearts at this mo- 
ment loudly to berate your old 
friend Squibby, by reason of 
th's, his modest girth and un- 
pretentiousness at this festive 
season, reflect yet a moment. 
For this, assuredly ye must be 
aware, is a wild and woolly 
time, wherein is no man's peace 
of niind more safe than is the 
right of the freshman to live 
unmolested. For it is the Yule- 
tide, and the present-hunter is 
abroad in the land, and even so the presentee emulates the example of the small boy and evinces a 
sudflen willingness to accommodate. Moreover, profs in prodigious profusion prepare to prod, 
and even as we write engage in that pastime with great glee, keeping a satisfied eye on a little square 
l)oard with great quantities of symbolic red ink obscuring its once fair face. So be not wroth, for 
Sqidbbij is but agglomerated flesh and blood like the rest of us, and has to lione for the next quiz 
and face the terrors of the Triuinvirate and fkj his devoirs by hill and strea/n — and Informal — and 
buy neckties anrl souvenir calendars even as you and I. Perliaps — who knows? — a celel^ration 
niimber may appear after we find out. whether or not we have succeeded in departing this — cam])us. 
Wherefore is the Christmas .season, anyhow.^ Methinks 'twould seem exceeding strange, not 
to say laughable, to a Fiji Islander, for instance, to see a conglomeration of so-called civilized ])eoi)le 



26 



* 



THE SQUIB 



gv rushing' )n:ully about the Uiiidscape, armed with "Christmas lists," frantically hunting presents 
to be used in the great American game whose chief rule of play is to give out just a wee mite more 
than is taken in. 



Christmas is approaching and Squibbij finds trouble in composition in his endeavors to greet 
his readers. As we find him sitting at his desk racking his brains, we hear him mutter to himself: 

"I am trying to greet the Students and the Faculty. Now what shall I say? Compliments of 
tlie season — that is not original and too commonplace." 

"Supposing I say, again the tide of time — oh bosh!" 

"May your cup of plenty be ever filled to overflowing with happiness, joj' — oh, too flowery." 

"May Christmastide strew into your path to the alter of happiness roses of succes.s — oh piffle." 

"May the Christmas Star be upon your brow the diadem of happiness — oh tripe. " 

"Ah, I've got it, I'll just say, 

"A MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR." 

The board of the Squib are not desirous of knocking the knockers for they glory in all hammer 
and anvil work, but the staff would like to have a magic line of readers of which you should be one. 
Thus a'l the readers of Squibby, their fingers touching, would reach in a continuous line from the 
waiting station to the town hall. The editors are glad to receive all criticisms and competitors in 
the various positions on the staft' are wanted. Give your friend a year's subscription as a Xmas 
present. 



January is a state of weather and other things that we are compelled to accept, but would rather 
(1(1 without. During its thirty-one trying days would it not be a good idea to establish a fraternity 
Ijowling league similar to the Sun Rise League. A cup has been oft'ered if the fraternities are desirous 
of forming such league. 

WHO'S WHO AT M. A. C. 



A 

mprrg 
Xmaa 




A 
N?m f par 



'PREXY' 



27 



THE SQUIB 



'4 




28 



AND THE TURKEY SHALL LEAD THEM HOME 




THE SQUIB 




^S 



"MASSACHUSETTS Agricultural Col- 
lege offers course in cooking by corre- 
spondence." Exclusively to males, pre- 
sumably. 



AN observant citizen saw the above item in 
the Boston Globe the other day and imme- 
diately wanted to know all the why's and where- 
fore's. 

We don't know why or wherefore but perhaps 
it is a new form of "preparedness." Evidently 
the faculty has the future welfare of the boys in 
mind and have provided this course, so that after 
four years of suffering at the hash-house thej' 
will at least be able to cook themselves a scjuare 
meal when they are through. 

Here is a rare opportunity for the girls. After 
they are married, no need to rise early. Just 
let hubby get up and s r re them a delicious 
breakfast in bed. And no use for them to hui-ry 
home from their bridge party in the afternoon to 
get dinner for hubby can cook much better. 
Pretty soft! 

Or perhaps too many alumni have passed to 
regions beyond lately from indigestion or similar 
causes, and the faculty have made up their 
minds not to let any more of their precious charges 
risk their sweet young lives at the hands of 
scheming designing women who are after their 
life insurance. Of course it is to be hoped that 
the boys will be wise enough to look up the 
fair correspondents when they are ready to settle 
down, and make sure of three good "squares" a 
day anyway. Never mind her looks or disposi- 
tion if only she is a good cook. 

To cook a pot of Boston Beans 
Or serve an Irish Stew 
A college course is quite the thing 
By mail it's sent to you. 

You change the damper in the stove 
Then glance into your book 
And break an egg, if one you have, 
Then take another look. 

In former years you went to leai-n 

To be an L. L. D. 

But things have changed a lot since then 

At least at M. A. C. 

No longer now you want M. D. 
And cure dumb, blind and deaf 
But rather add unto your name 
The title C-H-E-F. 




BACHELOR OF COOKIWG 

POPULAR SONGS 

Words — by Shakespeare 

Music — by orchestra of Ford's Peace Mission. 

PINK PAJAMAS 

Tune — Merry Widow Waltz 
I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's 

hot, 
I wear my flannel nightie in the summer when 

it's not; 
But sometimes in the springtime 

And sometimes in the fall, 
I crawl right in between the sheets, 

With nothing on at all! 

HERPICIDE 

Tune — Harrigan 
H-E-R-P-I-C-I-D-E spells Herpicide, 
Only thing on earth that makes your hair grow, 
Really makes you look just like a scarecrow, 
H-E-R-P-I-C-I-D-E you see 
First you rub it, then you scrub it, 
Then you scrub it, then you rub it. 
And it's Hair again 
On me. 

IF NOT WHY NOT? 

THE instructor fails to apjDcar at the ten- 
minute bell on a day before a holiday. 
The class does not know whether to "bolt" 
or not until a bright one utters: 

"If we get a bolt today, we get another one 
next week because it's 24 hours before a holiday." 

29 




THE SQUIB 



EPISODE 16 

The Boy Wonder in the Berkshires; or, 
The Correct Thing in Dogging Deer 



" , k' 



^S 




Scene 1; 

Our Boy Wonder with his custom- 
ary sagacity and keen foresight de- 
tects the presence of a large male 
Bull-Deer lurking on the brow of a 
lull. 



Scene 2: 

With his eagle eye our B. W. esti- 
mates the distance as an even 1,000 
yards and acts accordingly, /. e., by 
hurling aside coat and gun and tak- 
ing the approved position of the 
Start and swallowing knife. 



Scene 3: 

Not much here except a STRIDE 
and a surprised B-D. 




Scene 4: 

The Eull-Deer is fascinated by the 
approach of this smooth working 
athletic machine, and watches those 
wonderful arms and twinkling legs 
a second too long for our Hero with 
a ninth inning spurt overtakes her 
and grabs her caudal extremity with 
his bare gloves. 



Scene 5: 

As to what happened here, ac- 
counts vary; some say that our Hero 
slapped her wrist, others that he 
blew his hot breath right on her. 
at any rate we are sure that he acted 
as a true Nimrod should, so there. 



Scene 6: 

Here our hero reaches the zenith 
of his glory the large Bull-Deer is 
vanquished, her toes are up in the 
air and she has taken the count, and 
our Boy Wonder, who let us state is 
without a peer, has a record of his 
first kill made on the spot, which 
backs up, £ill his line. 



W 



30 



KIXD-HEARTED 

HAT I Scold because I stole a kiss! 
What nonsense do I hear? 
I'm sure I Avouldn't mind a l)it 
If you kissed nie, my dear. 



THE PICNIC GIRL 
'HE'S gold of hair and blue of eye, 
* She never keeps her hat on, 

And always puts the custard pie 
Just where it will be sat on. 



THE SQUIB= 



'* 



ENTOMOLOGY WHILE YOU WAIT 

SiL-vEB Fish 

THIS is the most economical member of the 
Apterygota family, for the simple reason 
that it is not to be found during the winter 
months, and so has no need for a winter over- 
coat. Years ago, the United States Government 
used this interesting beast in making silver 
specie, but Bryan discovered this fact and since 
then they have not been able to get away with 
the deception. It may be found in stagnant 
pools, such as the College Pond, but will not be 
found among the gold fish in a public fountain. 
Doctor Guzzler of Maine reports to have found 
it in several silver fizzes purchased at a bar in 
Bangor, but this is not to be taken as an indica- 
tion that silver fizzes were named for this insect. 
This insect is small and has the distressing habit 
of crawling up limbs — of trees — but this is not 
the cause of the recent fad of ankle-furs among 
the fairer sex. It is especially partial to cotton- 
wood trees, since its favorite food is to be found 
among the cotton and woolen textiles. When 
flying at night, it is reported to give off a faint 
silver light, which was found to be very useful 
in the dorms after mid-night. A great scarcity 
of the insect has been noticed on the campus of 
late, so Heat and Light has been required to 
give all-night service since then. The word 
"fish" implies that this insect bears fins, and 
this offers an easy means of capture, it being 
necessary to merely grasp firmly by the dorsal 
fin. Silver fish are partial to salt petre, hence 
hash house cofl^ee is recommended as a good 
bait. 

(S> 

ADVICE TO LOVELORN 
Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

I am a very good looking young man, twenty- 
three years old, and am very popular with the 
girls. I never allow the opposite sex to kiss me, 
but tlie other night at a party, a young lady put 
her arms around me and kissed me, and I didn't 
resist her much to my own surprise. While I 
know it is very wicked, I have let the same young 
lady kiss me several times since. 

AVhat I want to know is — am I doing wrong, 
or is it proper for her to kiss me.^ 

Yours, 

Alonzo. 
Dear Alonzo: 

You poor misguided boy, I know what ails 
you — you have not been properly brought up. 

Of course you are wrong in letting that girl 
kiss you. Absolutelj^ dead wi-ong. Did you 
ever hear of a MAN letting a girl kiss him!-' But 
pei-haps you don't know how. If yovi are rich, 
I'll volunteer to give you a few lessons. 



Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

For three months I have been keeping company 
with a man whom I love dearly. 

Now, when I was eighteen I had a serious illness 
and since then I have had to wear some false hair 
imported from China. I did not live here in 
Amherst then, so no one knew this, and I never 
could get the courage to tell my friend about it 
though it made me feel badly when he admired 
my hair. The other Sunday while walking on 
the Campus with my friend a brisk wind blew 
both my hat and hair from my head. 

It was so humiliating I thought I would never 
reach home, but he said not to feel badly, that 
he didn't mind it, but he has not written or called 
on me since. What shall I do? My heart is 
broken. 

Yours, 

Miss Hairigan. 
Dear Miss Hairigan: 

The best thing you can do is to forget this 
man and get another sucker who does not know 
that you haven't any hair. First of all go to a 
drug store and get the following prescription; 
Williams Shaving Powder one ounce, kerosene 
emulsion two ounces, one drop of Tincture of rat 
poison, one bottle of Le Pages glue. Take this 
internally and hairs will soon appear on your 
cranium. For even a little hair of your own is 
better than a crowning glorj^ that threatens to 
come oft' at the most inopportune moments. 

Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

Last week I attended The Dansant at the 
Nonotuck. Is it proper to take cream, sugar 
and lemon in the tea at the same time? I want 
to get my money's worth. And which hand 
shall I stir the tea with? 

Oscar H. 
Oscar H.: 

The lemon should not really be used, but is 
simply served as a means of making one's fingers 
sticky and ijnparting an unfavorable odor to 
the flippers. I should advise that you use the 
spoon which they will undoubtedly be supplied, 
as this appears better in the best company. 

Miss Sau Sage. 

(S) 

LOGIC 

WE are told that we should study practical 
things. Why? The answer is simple: 
in order that we may make money. Why should 
we wish to malce money? Well, er-r, so that we 
may gain a "competence." And ichy should toe 
desire a "competence'''^ Chiefly, so that we may 
send our children to college. But why shall loe 
want to send our children to collec/e? What an 
absurd question! In order that they may study 
practical things. 



31 




THE SQUIB 




nPHERE is a man at M. A. C. 

^ Who visits Smith quite frequently 
And when he finds a girl he likes 
And in some corner holds her tight 
She leans towards him and says "My Dear" 
Won't you take me to the Prom this year? 



AT THE GLEE CLUB CONCERT 

"V^'OUNG MAN (to his partner)— "Oh yes, it 
■^ is a mighty fine thing to go to college, such 
a lovely place, you know." 

"Yes, I've heard so much about the college 
and the men there that I almost feel as though 
I knew them myself." 

"Who do you know up there.''" 

"Oh, not many. Do you know Mr. (list of 
ten or a dozen names.''") 

"Oh, yes, I know them. All corking good 
f t'llows, too." 

"And what class are you in.''" 

"1020." 
32 



EVOLUTION 

ONCE upon a time chaos reigned. Then 
rebulae appeared, and from heated cloud- 
wrack the world was formed. Animal life came 
into being, amebas grew into monkeys, and 
monkeys grew into men. An education system 
was founded and colleges developed. Finally, 
Aggie came into existence, with its customs and 
traditions, its sophomores, its fraternities, its 
athletic teams, and other interesting features. 
How wonderful is evolution! We started with 
chaos, and we end with — ? 



THE SQUIB 



IF OUR PROFS WERE TO WRITE SHORT 

STORIES, WHAT SORT OF SHORT 

STORIES WOULD THEY WRITE? 

(Editor's Note — We publish below the first of a series 
of short stories, which we are sure will interest our readers 
and promote the cause of humanity in general. It will be 
noted that each story is printed under an assumed name, 
and that every precaution is taken to hide the author's true 
identity: our contributors have requested this, since they 
realize that any evidences of a literary tendency would 
mmediately imperil their standing.) 

THE LURE OF THE LAND 

or 
WHY IS THE SOIL POROUS? 

(By Skid Skaskell) 

HENRY McHENRY was married, but t.hat 
was not the reason why he was sad. He 
was sad because life on the farm had not proved 
to be the round of golden idleness which Curst's 
Magazine had prophesied. When he removed 
from the teeming suburbs of Ipswich to the 
untrodden M'ilderness of the hintei-land, he had 
expected to reap the fruits of rustic prosperity. 
He had expected to cast his bread upon the 
waters, and have it return to him with that incre- 
ment which is the reward of virtue and of careful 
attention to one's bank account. He had expected 
to make two potatoes grow where only an onion 
had grown before. 

But instead of this, behold what disillusion- 
ment was in store for our hero. He had no 
sooner become fairly established in his rural 
venture than Trouble began to lift its hydra 
head. His radishes and ruta-bagas, anemic at 
the start, went off on a decline. His corn was 
thin and spindle-shanked, and his potatoes were 
emashiated. In his apple orchard the cut worm 
cut the rootlets, and the bookworm hooked the 
fruit. His turkeys died of blackhead, his 
chickens died of yellow fever, his cow contracted 
gang-green, and his albino rabbits all had the 
pink-eye. The onion-shed was shedding its 
shingles, the corn-crib was full of holes, the 
kindling wood was all shot to pieces, and even 
the piano was on its last legs. 

What could be done to remedy this condition 
of general decay? No wonder McHenry was 
sad. He was so sad it kept him awake nights; 
unquestionably his life was a total failure — all 
because he had never learned the secret of Sound 
Farm Practice. Let us pause, gentle reader, and 
drop a sympathetic tear for our hero in his 
predicament. 

ON TO THE COSTLY PLEASURE DANCE 



But as we shall now see, McHenry's redemp- 
tion was not wholly beyond the range of pos- 
sibility. Having heard of Aggie (through its foot- 
ball team) he determined to attend the Short 
Course and take the degree. For ten weeks he 
haunted the lectures where men of wisdom hold 
forth mightily, hot-airing their views on every 
subject from superphosphate to superman. For 
ten weeks he ingested, absorbed and secreted 
Agronomy, and when at the end of that period 
he returned home (F. O. B. Amherst) all his 
rdiatives proclaimed that he was a changed man. 
He was so different even the corn-feds didn't 
know him, when he went out to resume charge 
of their training table. 

From that time the farm began steadily to 
improve. By judicious applications of calcium 
phosphate, sodium nitrate, potassium cyanide, 
Bordeaux mixture. Kerosene emulsion, creosote, 
and whitewash, the limy fields were made acid 
and the acid land was made limy. The corn-feds 
grew fat on nothing but corn, the cow returned 
to her pristine vigor and bran middlings, the 
hens, which by this tine had learned the lay 
of the land, began to be singilxrly productive, 
and our persevering hero prospered exceedingly. 

What moral, gentle readers, shall we draw 
from this simple tale of Rural Life? What moral 
shall be derived from this pious anecdote of 
True Worth Rewarded? Simply this: If at 
first you don't succeed, try, try. Skid Skaskell 
(The man who put the Sound in Sound Farm Prac- 
tise.) 




POST-THANKSGIVING EXPRESSIONS 

The Welcome Lamp-Post 



33 



THE SQUIB 




34 



A shriek, a moan, a screech, a groan 

A grunt, a, scream, a cry, 
Witli howls and iniirinurs, greet ni;^' ears 

'J'lie new years coming nigh. 



THE SQUIB 



CHRISTMAS SHOPPING x\GENCY 

THE Squib , announces that it is prepared to 
conduct a mainiiioth Christmas Shopping 
Agency for the purpose of aiding those who may 
not have the opportunity of shojiping in the 
best stores, such as tliose unforlunales wlio 
must acknowledge such places as Arlington, 
Chelsea, and Dorchester as their homes. Simply 
send us a check which will alloM- for our com- 
mission above the cost of the desired article, 
mentioning for whom it is to be i)urchased, and 
^\■e attend to the rest. 

As suggestions, we cite the following list of 
articles which you will receive, and which may 
help in solving your own jjersonal jjroblem of 
What To Give: 

"^'ou will no doubt receive from — 

Father — A pound of tobacco that you would 
iiol think of carrying, even to su])])ly Edwards, 
Anderson, or Jeron:e. 

Mother — A handsome sweater, in exchange 
for which, you might give a fur motoring coat. 

Sister — A striking red neck-tie, which you 
would not dare to raffle off even among your 
worst enemies. 
• Brother — A hock ticket calling for Grand- 
father's watch if you will only redeem it. 

Uncle Ben — A handsomely bound volume of 
"Lives of Eminent Statesmen." (A copy of 
"Three Weeks'" will be greatly appreciated in 
return.) 

Aunt Sarah — The eighth volume in one of 
Henty's series. (You have received successive 
volumes each year since you were twelve. If you 
live long enough, you will eventually be the 
proud possessor of the entire set.) 

Her — A manicuring set as a gentle hint. In 
return you might present one of Jimmie Halde- 
man's Laundry Kits. 

And so it goes. Put entire faith in our Shopping 
Agency, and we guarantee satisfaction. 




"Did yez iver shtop to think that half of the 
wox'ld don't know how the other half gets along? 

"You're right," says Mike, "and neither does 
the other half". 



If School Kepf 
X mass. 




Things that never Happen. 
Social duties caused by the mistletoe 




THE CALL OF THE SHEETS 

How appealing the books are to us afteravacation! 

35 



THE SQUIB 



WAS IT EVER THUS? 

A PECULIAR PREDICAMENT OF A STUDENT WHILE 

ENTERTAINING HIS MOUNT HOLYOKE 

FRIEND ON AN AUTOMOBILE RIDE 

Scene I — Stalled in Chicopee Fallfi hi/ a serious 
breakdown at 8 p. m. 

He — "How wonderful it is, here in the moon- 
light, with the moon beams playing about us. 
On ray back, through the half open chasis of- 
my jitney, I can see two stars twinkle. They 
are the first stars of the evening. But, Jerusalexn 
cherries, where has the big dipper disappeared to.'' " 

She — "AA^hat a strange event! AVhere can it 
be?" 

He — "AVell, it's hard to say, but I've heard 
that Father Pluvius stole the dipper so that he 
could rush the growler to Hadley. The dipper 
had been stolen once before by some rogues in 
Arlington, but since, that town has gone dry, 
and the inhabitants are now occupied in chewing 
crumbs for the gold fish in the Public Gardens." 

Scene II — A squirrel is passing in the road. 

He — "Oh see the squirrel!" (He throws a 
nut from his xnaehine to him; but the squirrel 
scorns it) "I wonder vaguely why he hesitates." 

(And above the stars). 

(A drop of gasolene trickles slowly down my 
neck, and all else is silence, save the voice of 
the girl, who is explaining to me what to do and 
asking how far it is to college, and whether I 
am really hurrying.) 

(Silence — and 9 p. m.) 



He — "The squirrel has gone. Look! There 
is a host of stars." 

(But the headlight was so provoked by the 
heavenly mutterings of the student that it flared 
up and went out, leaving them in total darkness.) 
Scene III — . 

He — "Ah, ah! The battery has started feeding 
currents to the engine and is sparking with her 
in a most shocking fashion." 

She — "Are we ready to start for home now?" 

He — "Yes, it appears so, for the gears have 
fallen back to embrace each other, the tires, too, 
have taken on lots of airs." 

She — " AVe must hurry, for it is nearly 9.15." 

He — "Sure enough, we're off again, but look, 
the tires are much inflated, for they are hanging 
around the wheels, and are acting so soft with 
the gasolene (which was "tanked") that the 
flywheel is getting cranky, and behold! she has so 
exhausted the engine that she is choking and I 
must get out and fan her." 

She — "Hurry, for I must be back to college by 
9.45." 

He — -"The engine is much relieved, and I hope 
that we do not have any more trouble." 
Scene IV. 

(Thus our hero speeds to the college and his 
evening of enjoyment has passed to sweet memor- 
ies of his first experience with a jitney.) 
Scene V — His friend, talking to her roovi-mate 
after he has left. 

Her room-mate — "A man of large caliber, 
isn't he?" 

She — -"Yes, he is a big bore." 



CONTRIBUTORS 
J. F. AVhitney '17 R. R. AVilloughby '18 

H. Campbell L. H. Johnson 

L. C. Higgins '18 



"The Mutual" 

Headquarters for 


Rumery & Fay 


Winslow Skates 


Electrical and Gas Contracts 


HOCKEY STICKS, SKATE STRAPS, 


Give your room that cosy glow that a table 
lamp gives, it helps your eyes wonderfully too. 


PUCKS, ETC. 


AVe have a large variety of lamps and elec- 




tric heaters at prices that are easily within 


The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 


your reach. 



36 



stiff f r00pf rt l^timt 

Perfectly appointed rooms for 
your guests 

Attractive Dining Room 

Exceptional Cuisine 
Telephone 8351 


**For the Land's Sake" 
Bowker 




The Place of Good Eats 

GRANGE STORE 

Come in and see our 

DISPLAY OF CANDIES 

Get Your Supplies Here for Those Evening Spreads 


'*Ye Aggie Inn" 

"EVERYTHING IS SO TASTY" 


Student Supplies of all Kinds in our Store 


SEASONABLE 

Comes spicy autumn, freshly fair, 
And fickle as a hen: 
We doff our summer underwear, 
Then put it on again. 

AN IMPOSSIBILITY 

Dr. Crabbe had almost succeeded in dismissing 
Mrs. Gassoway, when she stopped in the doorway 
exclaiming, "Why, doctor, you didn't look to see 
if my tongue was coated. " 

"I know it isn't" said the doctor wearily. "You 
never find grass on a race track." 


J. GINSBURG 
Modern Shoe Repairing 

Buy a Shine Ticket— 23 Shines $1.00 
Black or Tan Shoes 

in AMITY ST. AMHERST 


College Barber Shop 

Basement North Dorm. 0pp. College Store 

HOURS: 
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday 

and Friday, 3.00 to 8.00 p. m. T«:Ut A.»:.Uo «r. Q,I« 
Saturday, 8 00 a.m. to 2.00 p. m. 1 Ollet AftlCleS Oil Sale 


Delicious Home-made Candy 
a the 

College Candy Kitchen 

ICE CREAM CIGARS AND TOBACCO 
Open until 12 


THE FAMOUS NEW YORK 

Kirkpatrick Shoe 

Exclusive Lasts 

Exceptional Value in Pumps 
BOYD '18 WILLIS '19 


- Don't "BUM" Paper From Your Room-mate 

Iheme or Practice Paper 

Ruled or Unruled Punched 


500 Sheets - 70 Cents 
LATHAM '17 MERRILL '17 



MENTION THIS PUBLICATION WHEN SPEAKING TO THE ADVERTISERS 



PATRONIZE THESE MEN IN NORTHAMPTON OR HOLYOKE 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 

flemings ^oot Jhop 

211 Main Street 



The most complete line of Pumps 
for the coming winter 



NORTHAMPTON, 



MASS. 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 



The Happy Hunting Grounds for 
Ye Aggie Men 



MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 



247-249 Main Street 



Northampton 




Opticians 



of 



Particular Merit 



O.T. Dewhurst 

201 MAIN ST. 

Opp. City Hall Northampton 
Telephone 184-W 



If you want to see new Winter Mackinaws, cut 
on new lines, this is the place to look. 

Sweaters too, and all these new Overcoats 
that hit the college man's fancy. 

Watch this Space for Our Prom Announcement 
in the Next Number 

MERRITT CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 



Compliments ot 

A. J. GALLUP INC. 



We sell 

Hart SchafFner & Marx Clothes 



293-297 HIGH ST., 



HOLYOKE, MASS. 



ELABORATE PREVARICATION 
' A ROLD-Who giv' yer yer black eye, Jimmie? 
**■ .limmie — No one. I was lookin' thro' a 
knot-hole in the fence at a football match, an' 
got it sunburnt. 

— SIxetch (London). 

THE MODERN MEDIUM 

Modern Girl — "If you really loved me all the 
time, why didn't you let me know.^ " 

Modern Youth — "I couldn't find a post card 
with the right words on it." 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

^f>e JeWel 
Store 

Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

Telephone 1307-M 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



E. Alberts 

IRegal Sboes 

FOR YOUNG MEN 



241 Main street Northampton 



Order Cooking 



Specials 



When In Hamp Visit 

The Elms Restaurant 

Best Quality Food Moderate Prices 

C. J. PANOS, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



RAHAR'S INN 



Northampton, 

EUROPEAN 



Massachusetts 
PLAN 



The Best Place To Dine 

GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 

ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD 

50-CENT LUNCHEON FROM 11-30 TO 2 P. M. 

Special Dishes at All Hours 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Compliments of 



Burdick Opticians Co. 

SHERWIN BLOCK 

H. E. BURDICK, Optometrist 

Especially Equipped for Perfect 
Fitting of Your Eyes 



PHELPS & GARE 

112 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 



"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over 
our stock at any time. 



R. Armstrong & Son 

OUtrtHtmaB ^«rtings 

You know how hard it is to get just the necktie you 
want. This year we beheve we assembled quite the 
finest collection of ties possible, we want therefore to 
invite you over to see them at your earliest chance. 

If you cannot come before the holidays come directly 
after. 

Dress suits for sale or rent 



86 MAIN STREET 



NORTHAMPTON 



THE GIRL WITH THE CIGARETTE 

She seemed so dainty where she sat 
There with a slender cigarette. 
Ah, she was vrell worth looking at! 
In fancy I behold her yet. 

She seemed so dainty, sitting there, 
A lovelier maid I ne'er shall see 
With fingers that were slim and fair. 
She held the cigarette for me. 



|c^^^\5^<al 




WM0LE6ALEK6 & KE'CAILEISS 
PRUrr& PRODUCE 

NORTHAMPTON. MASS. 




Shrafts and Appolo Chocolates 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 




^ancing 



Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 
8:30 to 11:30 in the Ball Room. 

Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 
6 P.M. 

SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER 

$1.25 
Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music) 
GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager 



Special Service 



Excellent Cuisine 



Charles Wirth & Go's 

Famous 

GERMAN RESTAURANT 

33, 35, and 43 Essex Street 





BOSTON MASS. 




Chas, Wirth 


Chas. E. Alger 


T. Tandberg 


Prop. 


Mgr. 


Asst. Mgr. 



It is better to 
have your 

U^dnttHQ 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printing -IRuling—Bin&inG 

North Adams, Mass. 



Transcript 
Photo Engraving Company 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 

Engravers of Merit 




We Solicit Work in College 
Publications 
Get Our Rates 



L 



Tl-ic 



^QUIB 




^Ut< IC9VZ 



w i-:2 i3i<. 



PLYMOUTH INN 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 




A High- Class Hotel desirably located for 

College IPatronage 

Especially suited to the requirements of 

tourists on account of its pleasant 

location 



American mtd European Plans 
Special Attention to Banquets 



(liputkmpn'a jFurntalitng (lion&a 

179 MAIN ST.. NORTHAMPTON 



Our clothes have that perfect style, that 
puts the dash into a man's appearance. 

Our shoes add the snap that counts, 

And our Haberdashery completes the smart- 
ness that is so necessary for the college man. 

A visit will convince you. 
Better make that visit before the "prom". 



I. M. LABROVITZ 

The Quality Tailor 




Announces 



That he has 



A Complete Stock of 



"Prom" Accessories 



Send Her a Subscription to the 
SQUIB, orif not a subscription, send 
her a copy each month, she will surely 
like it. 

The next Number of the SQUIB is 
to be dedicated to the alumni it's 
£oing to be a hummer, don't miss it. 



Dress suits for rent 



White Cloves Cleaned 




CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Campion 



FINE TAILORING 



COLLEGE OUTFITTER 



Ready to Wear Clothes 



Dress Suits and Accessories for the "Prom. 



School and College 



IPbotOGvapbers 




52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
New York City 



DRAPER HOTEL 



NORTHAMPTON, 



MASS. 



We Solicit the M. A. C. 
Patronage 

First Class Banquet Facilities 



Wm. M. Kimball, Prop. 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vic c-Pres 

Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier 



First National Bank 

Northampton 




Do Your Banking Business with Us. 

Deposits Received by Mail will 

be Promptly Acknowledged 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Perfectly appointed rooms for 
your guests 

Attractive Dining Room 

Exceptional Cuisine 
Telephone 8351 


'BOLLES' 

College Shoes 

Latest Model Dancing Shoes and Pumps 
for the "Prom" 

Modern Repair Department 


STATIONERY, BLANK BOOKS AND 
FOUNTAIN PENS 

1918 and 1919 
COLLEGE STATIONERY 

^. G. Hastings 

NEWSDEALER AND STATIONER 


THE DIFFERENCE 

Inquiring Son — "Papa, what is reason?" 
Fond Parent — "Reason, my boy, is that which 

enables a man to determine what is right." 
Inquiring Son — "And what is instinct?" 
Fond Parent — "Instinct is that which tells a 

woman she is right, whether she is or not." 


WHERE THE WORM TURNED 

"You are getting very bald, sir!" said the 
barber. 

"You yourself," retorted the customer, "are 
not free from a number of defects that I could 
mention if I cared to become personal." 

SOLEMN THOUGHT 

The greatest nutmeg must one day meet a 
grater. 

PROFESSIONAL ADVICE 

Photographer (taking plain-looking girl and 
her escort) — "Now try not to think of yourselves 
at all — think of something pleasant." 

ALWAYS SPEAK WELL OF THE DEAD 

"Dead men tell no tales," observed the sage. 
"Maybe not," replied the fool. "But their 
tombstones are awful liars." 


A word to the wise is sufficient 

See BARLOW 
Over the Savings Bank 


College Barber Shop 

Basement North Dorm. Opp. College Store 

HOURS: 
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday 

and Friday, 3.00 to 8.00 p. m. X '1 & A !■ 1 CI 
Saturday, 8.00 a.m. to 2.00 p. m. lOllet Articles OH Sale 


Sanderson & 1 hompson 

Invite you to inspect 

Latest Full Dress Suits 

Shirts, Gloves, etc. 

You will want the latest and most proper at the 
Junior Promenade — we have it. 




**Ye Aggie Inn" 

"EVERYTHING IS SO TASTY" 


Student Supplies of all Kinds in our Store 

Ingersol Watches in Celluloid Cases $1.00 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Compliments of 

R. D. Marsh Estate 

STUDENT FURNITURE 


**For the I .and's Sake'' 
Bowker 


Get in Practice for the Winter 
Tournaments at 

Metcalf's Bowling Alleys 

Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 


"The Store with the College Atmosphere" 

College Drug Store 

ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES 


EDUCATION AT MT. HOLYOKE 

(From a College Calendar) 

Monday — Senior rope-jumping. 
Tuesday — Junior top-spinning. 
Wednesday — Freshman-Senior picnic. Confined 
to hall "bats" on account of the weather. 


For a Delicious Luncheon or Dinner Bring 
Your Guests to the 

Amherst House 

Fine Banquet Hall 
Catering to House Parties a Specialty 


The curriculum at Mt. Holyoke is plainly too 
restricted. How about the Soph-Junior frolics 
the Sophomore doll-dressing and the Freshman 
ring-around-tlie-rosying ? 

L 


Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds 
You of Home 

North End Lunch 

On the Left as You Enter the Campus 


Wholesome old fashion food served in 


the most modern manner at the 

COLONIAL INN 

At the entrance to the campus 


THIS IS WHAT MAY IRWIN USED TO CALL 
"A FOX PASS" 

Lady Gushington (to gTeat tenoi-) — "You sang 
that last song beautifully. I was in the supper 
room, but I heard every word. You have im- 
proved; you have, really." 

The Great Tenor — "But — I have not sung; I 
am next!" 


GILMORE THKATRE 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 

Four Days Every Week Beginning Wednesday 
MATINEE DAILY 


HENRY ADAMS CO. 

2)ru99ists §> 
Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 




Caps and Gowns 

Makers to 

Massachusetts Agricultural, Amherst, Brown, Yale 
and many others 

Faculty Gowns and Hoods 

Purple, Choir and Judical Robes 

Cox Sons & Vining 

72 Madison Ave., New York 






^ 




dancing 

Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 
8:30 to 11:30 in the Ball Room. 

Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 
6 P.M. 

SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER $1.25 

Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music) 

GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager 



"The Machine You Will Eventually Buy" 

Underwood J't/pei^riter 

The Solid, Speedy Machine 
That Will Give the Best 
Results for the Longest 
Time Easy Payment 



f^^ 






11 






Springfield Office 234 WORTHINGTON ST. 



C. H. PRENTICE, Manager 



Excellent 

Dining Car 

Service 




Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 



Best Trains West 



12.45 p. m. 
2.55 p. m. 

4.37 p. m. - 

7.25 p. m. ^ 

10.28 p. m. 

Stop-over 



Leave Springfield 

-For Buffalo, Toledo, Elkhart, South Bend and 
Chicago. 

-20th Century Limited. Arrives Pittsburg 
7.15 a. m., Chicago 9.45 next morning. 

-For Cleveland, Columbus, Dayton, Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis, St. Louis, Detroit and Chicago. 

-For Buffalo, St. Thomas, Detroit, Jackson, 
Saginaw, Bay City, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo. 
Cleveland and Chicago. 

-For Syracuse, Buffalo and New York State 
points. 

at Niagara Falls — no extra charge 



Boston & Albany R. R. 



(N. Y. C. R. R. Co., Lessee) 



Inforination 

Concerning Tickets 

will be gladly 

furnished 



'newyork> 
[(ENTRAL) 

^ LINES ^ ^ 



upon request to 

James Gray, D. P. A. 

119 Worthington St., 

Springfield, Mass. 



MENTION THE SQUIB 



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CABARETESQUE 

A girl at the Prom 
A whirl at the Prom 

Ha! ha! a hit. 
A smile — 
A wile — 

The poor boy bit. 
But what is so rare as a dance at the Prom 




PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 
F. C. LARSON '17 



Editor-in-Chief 

A. E. LINDQUIST '16 
Business Manager 

C. H. HALLET '17 F 



Art Editors 
K. BAKER '18 



L. T. BUCKMAN '17 
Associate Editor 
H. M. WARREN '17 
Circulating Editor 



H. A. PRATT '17 



11.50 A YEAR 



'QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 



Published Once A Month 



15 CENTS A COPY 



All business communications should be addressed to the Business Manager; literary 
communications should be sub mitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all drawings. 



Vol. II. 



JANUARY, 1916 



No. 7 



GOOD-BYE GIRLS I'M THROUGH 

QUIBBY could have made a banana 
look like a sick cucuxnber, for he 
swallowed hook, bob, and sinker in 
one gulp. His voice sounded like the 
noise of a Ford trying to make three 
miles on two drops of gasolene. The 
call of the wild was the cry of the 
civilized to him. In fact, he lisped 
and mentally he was but fifty per cent 
pure, having just enough Sapolio 
brightness to enable him to secure a 
position in a dark room. He wore 
leather glasses so that he could see 
himself in the mirror just installed in 
the basement of North Dormitory. 
The only blue things about him were 
the covers of his examination books 
on which the glorifying marks of forty, 
fifty and forty-five appeared in beauti- 
ful figures engraved in red ink. He had failed in the Big Three, for nearly every word in the 
books was as diffieult to understand as it is for a bald-headed man to know where to stop washing 
his face. And so he flitted away, for he really thought it was night; in fact, 'twas daylight 
after the final examination week. He asked, "What is this running hence. — a railroad or an 
iron fencc.^" To be sure it was the B. & M. and a goodly crowd had assembled there. 

It had been a memorable struggle, but at last the Revolutionists had won. Squibby raised 
his hand to still the weeps of the weepers, and the curses of the curscrs, "Fellows, he cried, Men of 




THE SQUIB 



1919 and 1918, there may be a few of 1917 and 1916 for sociability sake, we are on the threshold of 
a new era, to-day, we depart to climes unknown, the worm has turned from one of knowledge to 
one of despair. No longer shall we visit the fairer sex over yonder, nor tread the broken ways of the 
campus. And since this is our unlucky day, be happy, for every dark cloud has a silver lining. If 
this be true, all aboard ye splinters. And with a sudden bang he fell to the ground, having shot 
himself three times with his flashlight. 

Then he suddenly woke up and found himself hanging on to the bedpost singing "Good Bye 
Girls, I'm Through." 

MORAL 
DON'T DOUBT YOUR BELIEFS, DON'T BELIEVE YOUR DOUBTS 



BUT, DREAMS SOMETIMES COME TRUE" 

Finals again, and time to bid adieu to another parting band of wayfarers. Finals,, and the 
air once more punctured with the curses of the poor unfortunates. What is to become of them. 
Behold! there is one of them holding up South Dormitory. Flush after flush rises from his collar 
and staggers across his countenance as the shame of the situation sweeps over him. To be in his 
position is no joke. Oh, the mortification of it all. 

But he must extricate himself from this unpleasant position. He thinks of going home, but he 
has no money. He lingers on, would a friend, an acquaintance, even, ever come to his rescue. The 
moments, yea, the minutes pass. His hair is turning gray from the horror of his situation. Just as 
he is about to jab a toothpick into his floating ribs and end it all, the eyes, the nose, yea, e'en the 
face of a friend appears at one time. "Chesterfield," he chokes, "Chesterfield," Buy me a ticket 
for the B. H. S., one way, yes, only one way." To this impassioned appeal Chesterfield with emotion 
"Here take this cent — no don't bother about the change, keep it, buy yourself two tickets. Thus, 
the youth bends his steps homeward, for he has been brought at last to the jaws of that horrible 
monster — FAILURE! He has failed but today begins a New Year — the date on the calender does 
not matter. 

This funny old world is a mirror, you know, 
Turn it's way with a sneer, or face of a foe 

And you will see trouble 
But meet it with laughter and look full of cheer, 
And back will come sunshine and love true and dear 
Your blessing to double, 

SUPPOSE YOU TRY SMILING. 




LOOKING AHEAD? 

QUIBBY waxed and curled his mis — placed eye — brow which he 
had been cultivating since Christmas for the Prom occasion, 
sprinkled a little Mary Garden on his motely, rubbed a little 
Creme de Meridor on his face (the first to give him atmosphere, 
the second beauty), put a Camel (cigarette) in his mouth and 
sauntered forth humming, "The High Cost of Loving is Driving 
Me Mad," but he comforted himself in thinking "Because of 
the Prom we have Sons and Daughters" and — but why go 
further, dear reader, there is so much tragedy in this world. 
Thus we find Sqiiibby as the social lion, dancing in our barn, 
which appears like the court of the Turkish Harem with all its 
beautiful girls and pleasing decorations, even the Sultan would 
be stupified. On this occasion the college atmosphere is satur- 
ated with "pep" and merriment, so different "by Jove" than 
it was a few weeks ago when Mr. Cram and Mr. Flunkem were 
the predominating characters. Therefore, let us overflow with 
mirth and welcome our guests, the beautiful, the fickle, the 
charming, etc., to our big event of the year. 



THE SQUIB 



Cereal 

Charles Green was an honest young man, as 
any one could tell by a glance at his comely 
features. He had just alighted from the Amherst 
car at the corner of " Kingandmainnearestpoint- 
totherailroadstation." Tight in his hand, he 
held a nifty straw suit-case, the graduation gift 
from his admiring family the previous June, 
when he, with two "Tessies" and thi-ee other 
young men, had been "thrown on an unsuspec- 
ting and cold world with the most wonderful 
oppor — " and so on as the "Speeches to the 
Gradating Class" usually go. 

Asuwe said, he held his suit-case in his hand, 
and his head high. Because must he not bear 
up bravely under this new humiliation? True, 
gentle reader, Charles, Our Hero, had just lately 
been handed his return ticket on the "Febi-uary 
Special," flunked, canned, or whatever you wish 
to call it. And he only a freshman, too! And 
he was on his way home to his folks and Caroline. 
Ah! yes. Caroline! 

Just as our hero stepped from the car, an aged 
gentleman left the curb. At this moment, a 
large Ford touring car came wheezing down Main 
Street, apparently with no regard for traffic or 
the safety of pedestrians. Charles observed that 
it was about to swing into King Street, also 
that the gentleman hereinbefore I'eferred to was 
directly in its path and apparently ignorant of 
the impending danger. With a startled cry, 
such as the mother gold-fish utters when the 
family cat peers down into the aquarium as it 
reposes on the parlor table, Charles dropped his 
precious suit-case and hurled himself at the 
aged gentleman. 

Both Charles and tlie gentleman went down 
in a heap, but the Ford was robbed of its prey, 
and Charles had made a friend. The boy and 
the man secured their footing, and the old man 
looked down into his savior's face with the 
following words : 

"My dear young benefactor, I should most 
certainly have been killed had it not been for 
your prompt and timely action. All I can do 
now is to thank you, but if you will call at my 
house this evening, I am sure I can arrange to 
reward you more satisfactorily," And he gave 
Charles Green his house number and street. 

Charles gracefully murmured that it was 
nothing at all and accepted the kind gentlemen's 
invitation to report in the evening. 

Two of the witnesses of the distressing incident 
were heard by our reporter in the following 
conversation : 

"What a handsome young man! Who is tlie 
old gentleman?" 

"Why, don't you know? That is Mr. Ogden 
Olypliant, 1lic millionaire Soap King!" 



That evening, Charles Green mounted the 
steps of the pretentious mansion to which he 
had been bidden and bravely i-ang the bell. 
The butler answered the summons, and seemed 
to expect our young hero, for the latter was 
immediately ushered into the library, and into 
the presence of Mr. Olyphant and a handsome, 
middle-aged woman, with a winsoxne young girl. 

"Mr. Green," said Mr. Olyphant, "I want 
you to meet my daughter, Mrs. Courtney, and 
her daughter, Alice. Helen, this is the young 
man who so bravely saved my life this morning.'-' 

Charles gracefully acknowledged the intro- 
duction. 

"My dear young man, we most certainly are 
grateful to you for the brave manner in which 
you saved my father from a distressing accident," 
said Mrs. Courtney. 

"Grandfather has told us how handsome you 
are, and we are not in the least disappointed," 
said Miss Alice Courtney. 

Charles blushingly dropped his eyes to the 
floor. 

"Tell us how you came to be on the car, Mr. 
Green," said Mr. Olyphant. 

"Well," answered our hero, "It is not a long 
story, but a tender subject. I entered the Massa- 
chusetts Agricultural College as a freshman this 
last fall, and at once entered into the activities 
of the undergraduate body. As a member of 
the freshman football team, I attained some 
renown, and spent some little time at fall practice 
for the baseball team. Evenings, I spent in 
rehearsing for the Roister Doisters, or working on 
the Class Debate. I was also rushed by seven 
of the nine fraternities, so you can readily under- 
stand that I was not left a great deal of time to 
spend in preparation of my studies attendant to 
the successful mastery of the curriculum as there 
outlined for the incoming freshman." 

His hearers acknowledged that this might 
possibly be so. 

"Hence," continued Charles, our hero, "It is 
not surprising that I failed to attain a passing 
grade in most of my studies when the results 
became known at the end of the semester, which 
prohibited me from pursuing further studies 
there and also participation in the activities of 
the undergraduate body. At present, I am on 
my way home, and am hoping to secure a position 
as farm manager on some estate, where my talents 
along agricultural lines may be developed, and 
where I can have an opportunity to uplift the 
life of the rural community as found and existing 
in the nearby country." 

Charles, as we may well guess, was an ambitious 
young man. 



THE SQUIB 



"The very thing," ejaculated Mr. Olyphant, 
with the dawning light of an awakened idea. 
"I have just purchased a large farm on the 
shores of Lake Windybaggo in New Hampshire, 
the scene of my birth and boyhood. I offer you 
the position of manager and developer, with full 
power to run the place as you see fit. At any 
rate it cannot be run down any further, and 
possibly it will give you the opportunity to 
make good in "what you see as the Call of a 
Life-Work." 

An enhancing smile from the beautiful eyes of 
Alice drove all doubt from our hero's mind, as 
well as all thoughts of home and Caroline. 

The next morning, Charles Green found himself 
seated in a comfortable chair on the north-bound 
express, w^hich was carrying hi:n with the speed 
of an expi-ess train to the scene of his Future 
Hopes, where our next installment should find 
him instated as the Boy Manager of CostJiiore 
Farm on the beautiful shores of Lake AVindybaggo. 

[Editor's Note — This offers an excellent oppor- 
tunity for tlie aspiring literary geniuses of the 
campus to show us how Charles Green made 
good. An attractive prize to the best closing of 
this thrilling novel. Contributions gladly re- 
ceived.! 




This did not cause any hardship for Adam and 
Eve. 



FORGET THE FINALS 

Let's start to boast the Hash house grub 
No matter how you feel 
Perhaps the steward gratified 
Will give us a square meal. 




FINALS 

AS WE LIKE THEM 
Final Examination 

ONE hour exam, text books supplied on recjuest. 
Do five out of ten questions 
Passing grade Forty per cent 
If you cannot do five answer four. 
Three make-ups if final isn't passed. 

AS WE GET THEM 
Final Examination 
One hour exam, every hour. 
Do all cjuestions and answer fully. 
Passing grade sixty per cent. 
You either get this or that 10 




To Be Analyzed by the Faculty during the week 
of Feb. 2. 






K 



^ ^V\-vV^ 




THE SQUIB 




At the Cabaret 

She — "Did you notice the beautiful moon 
last night? " 

He — "Yes, think what we could get for it if we 
had it bottled and on meter." 

THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN 

¥T'S leap year boys, I Avonder now 
■*■ Will bids come ffom the dame 
Will dance wi'ite-ups have absent ones 
Instead of those who came? 

Will Smith and Mt. Holyoke come over here 

To take us to the show 

And spend their coin on mileage books 

To bring us to and fro? 

Will our own co-eds call us up 
And ask us to the Prom 
Writing the name of the lucky man 
On a long list in the Dorm? 

You suffragists now have a chance 
Your latent power to show 
So let the invites come our way 
And we'll be glad to go. 

m 

'16 Man Hello, Bill, how are you feeling? 

'17 — Like a dull razor-blade. 

'16- — Spring it. 

'17 — No more cuts. 

m 

TUT-TUT! 

DOC GORDON — "Get ready your drawings 
for the Crab. Mr. Blanchard will call for 
them later." 



WHAT WOULD YOU DO? 

ViTOUR Smith friend who was unable to go to 
* the informal telephones that she will go 
to the Prom with you. You love her acutely, 
the loss of her affection would be like drilling 
your senior year. Moreover, she is a swell dancer, 
some dame! What would you do? 

For best solution we will give a copy of the 
next Squib. P. S. No crimes allowed. 

# 

BETTER SEE YOUR MAJOR ADVISER 
ABOUT THIS 

CUPPOSE you are absolutely broke. Owe, 
*^ two weeks board, and fifteen dollars to 
your friends, have strained scenes daily with 
your laundry agent, have your best suit at the 
tailors $1.50 due. 

Your family is back in Small-town no time to 
get letter to them for $ and at the last minute 
your Smith friend says she will go to the Prom 
with you. 




Mr. Neilson the mysterious-M. P. 
Sure had the proper spirit 
His dope was good, he held the boys 
And we were glad to hear it. 



Arnold — Yes, that's a garter snake 

Minnie (innocently) — Why it's much too small. 



THE SQUIB 



IN RE SARDINES 

The following ad was seen not long ago: 
"Sardine packers wanted, none but experienced 
need apply." 

If all who are experienced sardine packers 
were to apply for the position, there wouldn't be 
enough sardines for a half a bite apiece. I mean 
these experts in packing human sardines — Car 
Conductors. They have the trade down to 
a science and could get a first class recommenda- 
tion from any of the poor sufferers who are 
frequent users of the last car from Hamp. 

Sometime, perhaps when you have been sand- 
wiched between two individuals, with one fellows 
cold nose at the back of your neck and your 
right eye gazing admiringly into the mysterious 
cavity of the other fellow's ear, your left eye may 
have discovered the following sign prominently 
displayed: 

WE CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING 

YOU MAY CARE TO KNOW ABOUT 
SPACE IN THIS CAR 

I am afraid they wouldn't have a great deal 
of information to impart regarding space in the 
car for the simple reason that there is never any 
visible space to give information about. Question: 
Where does space go when a street car gets full.' 
(Boston American please copy for "Us Boys.") 

I want to know if it is good manners to sit 
down in the lap of a lady who is a perfect stranger 
to you when the car rounds a curve. Also, 
when a car stops suddenly, should the passengers 
move up front altogether or one at a time. 

If a passenger wants to stop off at Hadley for 
a few hours, should the conductor be allowed to 
slip a him transfer for the early car in the morning? 

And, finally, I have a very valuable suggestion 
to make. I move that the space that goes to 
waste in the upper portion of the car, be utilized 
by installing upper berths for the convenience of 
passengers who ride to the end of the line, so that 
they may retain a few shreds of clothing and the 
use of their feet, which are usually gone by the 
time the other passengers have cleared out. 



ODE TO THE HASH HOUSE SAUSAGE 

Sausage, my sausage, 
My heart yearns for thee. 
Yearns for thy pig-skin 
And thy old dog-meat; 
Long may we rebsh 
In years yet to be. 
Long may we relish, 

D. 0. G'S. 



THI^COULEliE LIFE 
THERE'S "R£^"V. 




College Life is not all play, "dad". 

# 

Mr. Cram: 

The records of the Dean's office show that you 
are below passing in the following: 
College Life 
Hygiene 
Drill 

Physical Education 
The following you have passed with the highest 
possible standing: 
Plumbing 6 
Steam Fitting 8 
Hoeing 4 
Plowing 2 
Fussing 1 
Chefing 1 
Your high attainments in these above makes 
you a promising candidate for thie Rexall Watch, 
also for admission into the Plumber's Honorary 
Society "Soakem or Disappointexn." Moreover 
you are a neojohite of the Fusser's Union; prereq- 
uisite Fussing 2 to become a brother. For your 
wonderful ability in Chefing you have been 
appointed assistant to Mr. Chcslcy, for in that 
position the students will soon decide wliether 
you will become a member of this generation or 
of the previous one. 

Hoping you are not disappointed in the out- 
come of your finals, 

I am 

Rctalliatingly yours, 

Mr. Flunkem. 



8 



THE SQUI& 

Smooth words oil the srooves of life. 




fTTTTlTTTTnTrnTZI 



Many Have Gone Before 
Youths may come, and youths may go, 
But Mr. Flunkem goes on for ever. 



LITTLE drops of water. 
Little grains of dust, 
Make a nice mud puddle; 
Where sit down, you must. 

The little drops of water 
Soak right through your clothes, 
And in the little grains of dust 
You gently rub your nose. 

Little bits of shivers 
Chase up and down your spine. 
And as soon as you get home 
You crawl to bed and whine. 

Little drops of Castor Oil 
And some bitter pills. 
Is what the doctor gives you, 
To drive away your chills. 

Little bits of silver 
And nice, crisp paper bills 
Is what you give the doctor 
For curing all your ills. 



IMPOSSIBLE 
Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

I heard about your coming to Aggie and so 
I came too. I want to tell you about a little 
thing that happened to me a few weeks ago. I 
was camping out at Norwottock, on the shores 
of the Connecticut, when I was overtaken by a 
flee storm. A flee storm Dear Miss Sau Sage, is 
when flees come on you in droves and droves. 
Fortunately for me as you will afterwards per- 
ceive, I jumped into the river while being pur- 
sued by these wingless crabs. Seeing that they 
are still after me I disappeared from the view 
of the naked eye beneath the river's surface. I 
found a convenient rock on the bottom of the 
river upon which I rested for several hours. 
Upon rising to the surface again, I found the 
flees were still sticking around waiting so I went 
down again and played solitaire with a pack of 
cards which I happened to have in my hat. I 
got so interested in the game, that I must have 
stayed there all night, for when I came out I 
found that all the flees had disappeared. 

lAMAFLEE. 



THE SQUIB 



AT THE COSTLY PLEASURE 

I took my girl to a swell hotel, 
With five bucks in my jeans. 
It surely was some swell affair, 
But way beyond my means. 

We listened to some music first 
And then we danced awhile, 
Then the waiters in the dining room 
Received us with a smile. 

I thought I'd blow myself for once 
And eat at Copley Square, 
It's a wonder to me I didn't drop dead 
W^hen I saw the bill of fare. 

I looked at the Girl and she looked at me. 
Then we looked at the waiter together. 
He was very attentive and dressed up-to-date 
And said something about the weather. 

We decided at last to order ice cream. 
Our dream of a feed had fled 
And thought to escape from this gilded joint 
And go to a Cafe instead. 

But Alas! We could not get away 

And in the end he got our kale. 

When I think of what that five would buy. 

It's no wonder that I turn pale. 

But all we got was a demi tasse, 

Some water, and a dish of cream 

But nevertheless, in spite of all 

The Copley Plaza dance sure was a dream. 




THE MORNING AFTER 

Milady Fatigue at 6.30 A. M. Saturday morning 
the Twelfth. 



UNITY 

We hear considerable now of the good work 
being done by the surgical units sent from this 
country to Europe. Because of the censor's sense 
or incense we have heard nothing of the great 
work done by the British Thermal Unit, or the 
B. T. U. as the soldiers love to call it. The duty 
of this unit is to make it hot for the Germans 
and it certainly does that. It also melts snow, 
boils water and lights pipes for soldiers busily 
handling their scrap-iron. After this unit has 
passed one degree it is awarded an honorary 
degree. Then it is called the "Pink Sox You 
Knit." You remember, when you were moved by 
reading of the sufferings of the poor soldiers, 
you bought that pink yarn and knit the socks for 
them. Well your sox are worn by the bravest of 
the brave, the British Thermal Unit. 



# 



HIS FIRST TEXT 

JOHHNY was a lad who had no desire to attend 
Sunday School and his father did all in 
his power to make him go. 

So one Sunday as Johnny presumedly returned 
from church his father was inquisitive to ascertain 
whether his son had gone, and consequently 
asked him: 

"What was the text today, Johnny?" 

"Don't be afraid, you'll get your quilt back" 
says Johnny. 

The father was puzzled, so he called up the 
minister and asked him what the text was, and 
he was informed : 

"Fear not, thy comforter comes." 



REASON FOR DEJECTION 

A well-known university professor who has 
taken much interest in the woman's suffrage 
movement was persuaded to carry a banner in a 
parade that was held in New York some months 
ago. 

His wife observed his marching with a dejected 
air and carrying his banner so that it hung limply 
on its standard, and later she reproved him for 
not making a better appearance. 

"Why didn't you march like somebody and 
let people see your banner?" she said. 

"My dear," meekly repHed the professor, "did 
you see what was on that banner? It read, 
'Any man can vote, why can't I?'" 



10 



THE SQUIB 




At The Tea Dansante and Cabaret 



LINES TO ANGLINA 

I have lost my heart to you, Angelina, 
You have gained a suitor true, iVngelina; 
Though I mutter and I rave, 
Though I sadly need a shave, 

I would gladly be thy slave, Angelina. 

My heart is throbbing madly, Angelina, 
My pen is wobbling badly, Angelina; 
All the time I think of thee, 
I can scarcely hear or see, 

I'm overflowed with glee, Angelina. 

Three nights I've had a dream, Angelina, 
It surely was a scream Angelina; 
'Twas about a little dame 
Who's a pippin just the same, 

And I needn't tell her name, Angelina. 

# 

THRENOBY 

First Canticle 
She's far more delicious 
And twice as capricious 
To-night as ever before. 
And soon I'll propose, yes, 
I'll snatch her with boldness. 
And capture the girl I adore. 

Second Cantile 
The chance is a dandy. 
The mistletoe's handy. 
But she puts in a word just before — 
"You've been just like a brother — 
(Doesn't this sound natural?) 
I've accepted another." 



And the butler has banged-to the door! 



-Record. 



THE HASH HOUSE 

•yHE hash house grub at M. A. C. 
^ As served by William Chesley, 
Supposed to be "three squares a day" 
For which we must 4.20 pay, 
Is far from being what it seems 
However well our Chesley means. 

The daily round of beef and lamb 
Is sometimes changed to beans and ham. 
Just watch the changing colors glow. 
And from experience you'll know 
However much you eat and stuff 
Never will you get enough. 

From dish-rag soup to leather pie — 

Another biscuit in the eye — 

There's nothing there that's fit to eat. 

In spite of fixings that look neat. 

So drink your milk and eat your bread. 

The water's poisoned now with lead. 

Let's hope there's better times to come 
When Chesley's grub will not be bum, 
For as things stand with us today 
We might as well be eating hay, 
For what is offered on the slate 
Is always Hebrews 13-8. 

m 

ISN'T THIS A MEAN JOKE, GIRLS? 

Judge — "You are sentenced for life." 
Prisoner (a married man) — "The parson beat 
you to it by ten years, judge." 



11 



THE SQUIB 




A Wandering Mind has no Consolation. 
The orchestra will now play the little ditty 
entitled "Why he went home," and "Where is 
my wandering boy tonight." 



LAMP THIS 

Aladdin had just applied friction to his well- 
known Mazda. A genie rose out of the iiist. 

"What does my lord master desire?" 

"Fetch me a Freshman!' 

The genie vanished, and a moment later re- 
appeared, clutching an immature Frosh by the 
rear gill filaments. Aladdin bent a stern glance 
upon his quaking captive. 

"Young man, have you any right to live?" 

"No, sir." 

"Do you realize that you're a scamp and a 
criminal?" 

"Y-yes, si"." 

"Do you appreciate the fact that you're a 
reproach to civilization and a blot on the face 
of the earth?" 

"Yes, sir." 

Aladdin turned to the genie. "Put him in the 
pond. He's guilty of general freshness." 

(^ 

HEARD IN ECONOMIC SOCIOLOGY I 

OROFESSOR brings to the attention of the 
* class the beauty of the South American girl, 
whose beauty he says is found in the Northern 
Magazine. 

This ambiguous statement is noticed by one 
of the students who immediately asks: What 
part of the anatomy is that? 

12 



MT. HOLYOKE professor has recently 
published a treatise on "Non-Homogen- 
eous Linear Equations in Infinitely Many Un- 
knowns." Now it's up to Doc Gordon to write 
his observations on the Schizoganic Gameto- 
genesis of the Mastigophorous Grasshoppers. 

# 
AMONG OUR SENIORS 

Reggie has become a great football man since 
he started that new mustache. It's a touchdown 
every few minutes with hi:m now. 



The s' 
bothered 



DANGEROUS SKATING 

ige drivers in Yellowstone Park are 



considerably by the foolish questions 
asked by their passengers and often resort to 
satirical answers. Once a woman who seemed 
deeply interested in the hot springs inquired: 

"Driver, do these springs freeze over in 
winter?" 

"Oh, yes, yes; a lady was skating here last 
winter and broke through and got her foot 
scalded." 

(0) 

THAT SPRING FEELING 

I love to sit upon the fence 

And whittle it all day, 
Because it is my neighbor's fence 
And he has gone away. 



THE SQUIB 




$)^Yf^[^! 



BEWARE 1919, 111 be with you soon. 



NOT FROM WEST INDIES 

Some time ago the teacher of a public school 
was instructing a class in geography, and when 
it came time to hand out a few questions she 
turned first to Willie Smith. 

"Willie," said she, "can you tell me what is 
one of the principal products of the West Indies?" 

"No, ma'am," frankly answered Willie, after 
a moment's hesitation. 

"Just think a bit, Willie," encouragingly 
returned the teacher, "where does the sugar 
come from that you use at your house?" 

"Sometimes from the store," answered Willie, 
"and sometimes we borrow it from the next-door 
neighbor." 

Broke — See under "College Student." 

Optimist — One who inherits a fortune. 

Pessimist — The fellow who finds the fly in the 
sugar. 

College Student — See "Broke." 

Sponge — The man who rattles his keys in his 
pocket when the other fellow pays the bill. — ■ 



NOT AMBITIOUS 

The teacher sent the son of a Newburgh poli- 
tician before the schoolmaster for a serious mis- 
demeanor. 

"Young man," said the schoolmaster, as he 
gazed severely at the youth, "do you know that 
you are a candidate for a sevei'e whipping?" 

"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "and I hope I'll 
be defeated." 



Doc Cance (explaining division of labor in 
slaughter houses) — Any man here could skin the 
body of an animal; they put a cheap man on 
that! 



Doc Cance — W^e strive in dairying to make two 
crops of milk flow where one flew before. 



CONTRIBUTORS 



G. B. Ray '16 

A. F. Williams '17 
L. C. Higgins '18 



W. Saville Jr. '17 
R. W. Rogers '17 
L. H. Johnson 



A. Campbell 




Have your photograph made at a Studio where 
you are assured of entire satisfaction both as to 
price and quahty. 

Make appointments for portraits and fraternity 
groups by telephone at our expense. 

The 

Katherine E. McClellan 

Studio 

44 State Street, - Northampton, Mass. 



Men*s Custom Tailoring 

I will be at August's Tailoring Room, 

No. 35 Main Street, Northampton, Mass. 

with samples of 

Browning King's & Co., Goods every Wednesday 

other days by appointment. 

Geo. C. Lee, So. Deerfield, Mass. 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 



BBHfflBB 



The Happy Hunting Grounds for 
Ye Aggie Men 



MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS 



.JOKE FROM THE FRONT 

The Officer (having been challenged by a 
recruit, seeks to improve the occasion) — "I say, 
you know, that was quite right, but you left 
out 'All's well!' " 

The Recruit — "'All's well I' is it sir!' An' me 
feelin' the way I do with me two feet like a 
block of ice!" 



Compliments of 

A. J. GALLUP, INC 

We sell 

Hart Schaffner 6c Marx Clothes 



293-297 HIGH ST., 



HOLYOKE, MASS. 



"The Mutual" 

Headquarters for 

Winslow Skates 

HOCKEY STICKS, SKATE STRAPS, 
PUCKS, ETC. 

The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 



Jmprnu^ four 



Typewrite them. Its easy. 

Now that you are beginning a new sem- 
ester, begin it right. 

You are going to save many of your notes. 
Make them legible, typewrite them, it is easy 
and profitable to learn. 

No, it is not expensive to rent a machine. 
Divide the expense, as many as four can 
easily use tlie same machine and not conflict. 

It would than cost only 62 cents a month, 
it's worth it. 



New and Re-build Machines For Sale, 

OFFICE APPLIANCE CO. 

BOSTON, MASS. 
A. E. LINDOUIST 3 NORTH 



FIRMS THAT ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 



There is nothing new in the World 

Here is something new to M. A. C. 

Aggie Towel Co. 

We furnish Towels in the drill hall, fresh after 
every shower. They may be paid for singly, on 
tickets, or by term contracts. The term contract 
provides a clean towel for every shower, regardless 
of number. Soap furnished free to everybody. The 
sanitary advantages and reasonableness of the prices 
are obvious. Get a contract early and thus loose 
none of the benefits. 

Rates:— Single Towles 5c Six Towel Tickets 25c 
Term Contracts $1.00 

Aggie Towel Co. 

B. C. L. Sander '16, Pres. 

For Contracts and Tickets see F. M. Clark '19 or 
S. C. Bartlett Jr., '19. 


Iranscript 
Photo Engraving Company 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 

Engravers of Merit 

(J 

We Solicit Work in College 
Publications 
Get Our Rates 


SPEAKING OF TALK 

"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club 
today," said Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the 
other evening. 

With a look of astonishment he replied: "I 
can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?" 

GENTLE OBSERVATION FROM ST. LOUIS 

If the new mayor drives all of the crooks out of 
Chicago how does he expect to keep up with New 
York in population.' 


It is better to 
have your 

fl^rinttng 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 

Excelsior Printing Co. 

IPrinting— "IRulinQ— 36in&inG 

North Adams, Mass. 


A GOOD PLACE TO EAT 

The Ideal Lunch 

S. J. HALL, Prop. 

Excellent Service Fine Cuisine 
40 Main Street 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 



PATRONIZE THESE MEN WHEN IN NORTHAMPTON 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 

flemings ^oot Jhop 

211 MAIN STREET 



The most complete line of Pumps 
for the winter 



NORTHAMPTON, 



MASS. 



HERE'S A TIP 

Are you going to the Prom. 

Our Full Dress Suits are the very latest tip on the 
correct evening dress for men who know how. 

Special styles young men in the well known "Society 
Brand" make. 

Dress Coats and Trousers $32.50 and up. 
Tuxedo $22.00. White Silk Waist Coats $5 to $7.50 

All the details to complete the picture from collar 
buttons to overcoats. 



MERRILL CLARK & CO., 



NORTHAMPTON 



Some people lire to eat, Others eat to live. 

Boyden's Restaurant 

Serves all 

Delicious Dishes Best of Service 

Catering 

Facilities for College Banquets 



196 Main St. 



Northampton 



Wiswell the Druggist 

82 Main St. Northampton 

Did you know that we are serving the "Best" 
Hot Chocolate 
to be had anywhere 
Try our 

Hot Chocolate Fudge Sundae 

Its a Big Hit 
Hump's Busiest Soda Fountain 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 



247-249 Main Street 



Northampton 



OR BEFORE SHE MARRIED HIM 

Irate Woman — "These photographs you made 
of my husband are not satisfactory and I refuse 
to accept them." 

Photographer — " What's wrong? " 

Irate Woman — "What's wrong? Why, my 
husband looks like a baboon!" 

Photographer — "Well, that's no fault of mine, 
madam. Youshould have thought of that before 
you had him photographed." 




Opticians 



Particular Merit 



G.T. Dewhurst 

201 MAIN ST. 

Opp. City HaU Northampton 

Telephone I84-W 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

Ehe Jewel 
Store 

Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

Telephone 1307-M 



FIRMS THAT ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Dancing Pumps and Dancing 
Oxfords 

— for— 
THE JUNIOR PROM 

E. ALBERTS 

241 Main Street opp. Clarke Library 

NORTHAMPTON 



Order Cooking 



Specials 



The Elms Restaurant 

Best Quality Food Moderate Prices 

E. G. DILL, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



PHELPS & GARE 

112 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 



'Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over 
our stock at any time. 



'16 Man — Hello, Bill, how are you feeling? 

'17 — Like a dull razor-blade. 

'16 — Spring it. 

'17 — No more cuts. 

1st Stude — "How long does it take to go to 
Boston from Amherst? 

2nd Stude — By time table or B. & M.? 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 

EUROPEAN PLAN 



The Best Place To Dine 

GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 

ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD 

Good Banquet Facilities 

Special Dishes at All Hours 
R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Woodward's Lunch 

27 Main Street Masonic Block 

Lunches — Soda — Ice Cream 



Closed only from 1 a. m. to 4 a. m. 



F. W. WOODWARD, Prop. 



R. F. Armstrong & Son 

"Be Prepared" for the Prom. 

DRESS TIES 

DRESS SHIRTS 

DRESS SOX 

DRESS GLOVES 

DRESS SUITS (for Sale or Rent) 



86 MAIN STREET 



NORTHAMPTON 




The most attractive store in town 

Shrafts and Appolo Chocolates 

The Kind the Girls Like 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 




H)onchester 

a4n 






vemno 



At the table, in the theatre chair or during 
the mild athletics of the modern dance, the 
DONGHESTER bosom remains flat, creaseless 
and in its place. $1.50, 12.00 and 13.00 



poESS 

Tfifi- HT 



&uett,9eal>ody (P &o.,7nc..'^aiers 



PLYMOUTH INN 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 




A High- Class Hotel desirably located for 

College IPatronaGC 

Especially suited to the reqiiirements of 

tourists on account of its pleasant 

location 



American and European Plans 
Special Attention to Banquets 



Excellent 

Dining Car 

Service 



Best 

12.45 p. m. 
2.55 p. m. 

4.37 p. m. 

7.25 p. m. " 

10.28 p. m. - 

Stop-over 




Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 



est 



Leave Springfield 

-For Buffalo, Toledo, Elkhart, South Bend and 
Chicago. 

-20th Century Limited. Arrives Pittsburg 
7.15 a. m., Chicago 9.45 next morning. 

-For Cleveland, Columbus, Dayton, Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis, St. Louis, Detroit and Chicago. 

-For Buffalo, St. Thomas, Detroit, Jackson, 
Saginaw. Bay City, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo, 
Cleveland and Chicago. 

-For Syracuse, Buffalo and New York State 
points. 

at Niagara Falls — no extra charge 



Boston & Albany R. R. 



(N. Y. C. R. R. Co., Lessee) 



Information 

Concerning Tickets 

will be gladly 

furnished 



NEWYORK 

^Central 



upon request to 

James Gray, D P. A. 

119 Worthington St., 

Springfield, Mass. 



'S^ff/i/Se/d 



(J 



The College Man's Shop 

179 Main St., Northampton 



Clothes, Furnishings, 
Shoes, Hats 



It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the correct 
thing in young men's wear. 



Visit us for Distinctive Apparel 



The SQUIB 

IS on sale at the following places 



Amherst: 



Adams Drug Store, Aggie Inn, College Drug Store, 
Hastings, College Store 



South Hadley Center: 



Drug Store 



Northampton: 



Heffernan Stationers, 
Niqette's Drug Store. (The end of the car line) 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Campion 



FINE TAILORING 



■^^ 



COLLEGE OUTFITTER 



Ready to Wear Clothes 



Dress Suits and Accessories 



DRAPER HOTEL 



NORTHAMPTON, 



MASS. 



We Solicit the M. A. C. 
Patronage 

First Class Banquet Facilities 




Wm. m. Kimball, Prop. 



School and College 

IPbotootapbers 




52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
New York City 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres. 

Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier 



First National Bank 

Northampton 




Do Your Banking Business with Us. 

Deposits Received by Mail will 

be Promptly Acknowledged 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 




!SE5> 



'^^r^'i 






Stop at the Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD ST., NEAR BROADWAY 



""'!lMv§,S, 



' 5" B 4 ' U 

•^j^'ff'A^' Single Room, with Bath - - - - $2.00 to $3.00 for one 
k^ihk Single Room, with Bath and Two Beds, $4.00 to $5.00 for two 



TIMF ^ NMi \| 1 
r I III I I ^cPK 



Located just off Times Square 

HOTEL WOODSTOCK 

is within a handy walk of everjrthing — terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines — theatres and clubs, yet you can have quiet, refinement, and service withal. 



European plan restaurant 
unexcelled for its cuisine 



Write for our Map of New York 



Service and accommodations unsur- 
passed for completness and efficiency 



W. H. VALIQUETTE 

Managing Director 



A. E. SINGLETON 

Asst. Manager 



CLOSE TO THE WALL 

"Ivy, why don't you cling to me?" 

He cried in whispers thick, 
"Oh Archibald, I will, she said, 
I think that you're a brick!" 

— Widow. 

TWENTY FOR A SCENT 
History Prof — Tell about the Turkish atrocities 
in the Middle Ages. 

Nemo Domi — I didn't know people smoked 
cigarettes then. 

—Pitt Panther. 



All the new Spring Styles 
are here 



Ask to see the new 
Hart, Schaffner & Marx models 



Sanderson & Thompson 



He (telling jokes in the Follies) — Do you see 
the point.' 

She — If it's what I think it is, I don't, and 
you're no gentlemen. " 

— Jack-o-Lantern. 

Glasses — Soused last night, weren't you? 

Ears — Only had one glass — 

Glasses — What ! 

Ears — But they kept filling it up!" 

— Michif/an Gargoyle. 



A word to the wise is sufficient 

See BARLOW 
Over the Savings Bank 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Compliments of 

E. D. Marsh Rstate 

STUDENT FURNITURE 


"For the I .and's Sake" 
Bowker 


Get in Practice for the Winter 
Tournaments at 

Metcalf's Bowling Alleys 

Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 


"The Store with the College Atmosphere" 

College Drug Store 

ICE CREAM CANDIES CIGARETTES 


STATIONERY, BLANK BOOKS AND 
FOUNTAIN PENS 

1918 and 19 19 
COLLEGE STATIONERY 

^. G. Hastings 

NEWSDEALER AND STATIONER 


For a Delicious Luncheon or Dimmer Bring 
Your Guests to the 

Amherst House 

Fine Banquet Hall 
Catering to House Parties a Specialty 


Tommy — Oh, mother, look at that man! He's 
only got one arm. 

Mother — Hush! He'll hear you. 
Tommy — Why, doesn't he know it? 

— Princeton Tiger. 


Our Food Has That Tasty Taste Which Reminds 
You of Home 

North End Lunch 

On the Left as You Enter the Campus 


Wholesome old fashion food served in 
the most modern manner at the 

COLONIAL INN 

At the entrance to the campus 


Perfectly appointed rooms for 
your guests 

Attractive Dining Room 

Exceptional Cuisine 
Telephone 8351 


GILMORE THEATRE 

the home of burlesque 

Four Days Every Week Beginning Wednesday 
MATINEE DAILY 


HENRY ADAMS CO. 

DrugGists & 
Candies and Ices Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



CO-OPERATE AVITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



The Really Progressive Paper 
of Western Massachusetts 



The Springfield Union 



Morning 



Sunday 



Evening 



LIVE 
NEWS 



Full Associated Press service. Special articles in every field of peace or war, business or politics, 
by recognized authorities. Local and suburban territory, including the, colleges, adequately 
covered. 



LIVE "^^^ Union is the recognized leader in the field of sports. Baseball, football, rowing, bowling, 

SPORTS tennis, golf, hockey — all are written about by men who KNOW. M. A. C. activities are always 
fully reported. 

The Union is a well-rounded newspaper. Generous space is devoted to poultry, horticulture, 
RURAL dairying and general farming, particular attention being given to the organized efforts now 
LIFE making to improve conditions in the rura/ districts. 

THE BAY STATE RURALIST is a regular feature of The Sunday Union 

(This section written by M. A. C. Journalism students) 



Nnttnturk i^atti 




X/ancing 

Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 
8:30 to 11:30 in the Ball Room. 

Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 
6 P. M. 

SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER $1.25 

Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music) 
GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager 




Caps and Gowns 

Makers to 

Massachusetts Agricultural, Amherst, Brown, Yale 
and many others 

Faculty Gowns and Hoods 

Purple, Choir and Judical Robes 

Cox Sons & Vining 

72 Madison Ave., New York 



MENTION THE .SQUIB 







OOIE 5QU1D 



Senior — Your mandolin looks considerably 
^ worn out." 

Junior — Why shouldn't it? 

Senior — I'll bite, spring it. 

Junior — It's coiitiniuxlly being picked on. 



ZOO-ZOO SNAP 

THERE was a young paramoecium who would 
a wooing go, 
His nucleus said no, oh no; 
But the paramoecium couldn't find a conjugal 
mate 
With whom to make a pleasant date, 
So the nucleus kept a wishin' 
For just a plain binary fission. 
Disheartened, the paramoecium cried, "What's 

the yoose." 
And where there was one, now there's dooce. 



# 



Professor, discussing sulphur — The amount of 
>ASSENGER on the B. & M.— AVhat makes sulphur in the human body varies with different 

the train run so smoothly? people. 

Conductor— It is off the track. Freshmen— Is that why some people make 

better matches than others? 



rOMMY — "I looked in the window when Sis 
was in the parlor with her beau last night." 
Father — ^"What did you find out, my son?" 
Tommy — "The lamp sir." 



French Professor — When was the fall of Paris? 
Freshmen — ^Just before winter. 



# 



FIRST FRESHIE— We almost had steak for 
dinner. 
Second Freshie — AVhy didn't we? 
First Freshie — Oh, the cow had to go and get 
well. 



boy. 



¥. KEY — Oil get mad and greb your nose. 
you do. 



Son — What is hoi"se sense? 

Father — It is the faculty of saying "nay" my •^ Jay Key — ^You will haf your hends full if 




L. T. BUCKMAN '17 
Associate Editor 
H. M. WARREN '17 
Circulating Editor 

PRATT '17 



$1.50 A YEAR 


"QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 




15 


CENTS A 


COPY 






Published Once A 


Month 










All business communications should he addressed to the Business 
communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all 


Manager; 
drawings. 


literary 


Vol. 


II. 


FEBRUARY, 


1916 








No. 8 



O, Squihhy, attention, for at this 
time you must open the haven of 
youi' heai't and the gates of your 
x\lma Mater, 'tis a fair and festive 
day, and it is necessary for you to 
welcome your guests, the illustrious 
alumni. Therefore, remove your 
sweat shirt and sweater and replace 
them with a smile, a necktie and a 
collar. . Even Adam and Eve in 
their day would have looked for a 
more appropriate dress on a similar 
occasion. AYhy.^ Don't ask, even for Nut Grapes there is a reason. 

<3^ # ^ 

Alumni Day is not an idealism which is embedded in your maliogany dome and can't get 
out because of the thick walls. Non, non, Monsieur, it is a realism which has engrafted itself deep 
into the hearts of both graduates and undergraduates. It comes but once a year as all good things 
do (except our weekly allowances which never come). Therefore it is both fitting and proper to 
discard our masks and give the alumni the glad hand. There is no war without its peace ship, 
and neither is there an alumnus without a few encom-aging words. Listen to their ancient words 
of the days when they were here, and you will hear utterances of surprise in their finding the numer- 
ous changes on the campus. The Auditorium, the Alumni Field, the Microbiology building, as 
well as the infirmary for the invalids, arouse a profound interest in their feelings. These changes 



■THE SQUIB 



appear only on the surface and are truly not the most important. But, they find the old Aggie "pep" 
still existing and steadily increasing, for without this spirit what would be the value of the numerous 
renovations? That is pi-ecisely the way that Squihhy feels and the presence of the alumni makes 
his reverent spirit come to tJie surface. And so he extends his hand to the Aggie Alumni wishing 
all a cordial welcome to their dear old Alma Mater. 



# 



# 



IN MEMORIAM 

Shed a tear of deep regret for the fellow that was flunked out. He studied and plugged his very 
best, that, I'm sure you won't doubt. But study and plugging are of little avail, and you may grind 
your head off all night, for if luck is against you, you'z'e forced to quit without questioning wrong 
or right. 

But believe me, old man, I say it's no joke, when you've stayed in the fight so long, to bid all 
dreams of the future farewell. It's not right — it's somewhat wrong. Perhaps you have spent three 
hard years or more, and a lot of good hard-earned money, to be suddenly turned adrift in the world 
may sound like a joke. It's NOT funny. 

I know thei-e's no humor in this piece of advise, for I only should like to remind you, to give a 
kind thought to the fellow who's "down" for the same misfortune may find you. 



# 



# 




J. INCE Squibby's mental faculty for expressing humor has 
declined considerably or perhaps he never had the characteristic 
knack of producing the same, he realizes that the readers of 
the monthly would shout with joy if he were to announce that 
the next number will be a college girls number. Such is the 
case, Johanna, for the next issue will contain the humor of our 
sister colleges, and, last but not least the wit of our own Co-eds. 
Thus prepare yourself gentlemen, for there is no rose bush 
without a thorn and neither is there a girl without some wit. 
NUF CED. 



^ 



Yes, you're right. Squibbj^ couldn't go to pi-ess without a few words of thanks to the Y. M. C. A. 
for having secured the services of Mr. Raymond Robins for a series of talks. It was a rare message 
to the men of Aggie and those who missed his talks may well regret their absence from them. Natur- 
ally Squibby absorbed the humor of the speaker and he finds himself deeply interested in his words 
concerning that great American game — Poker — No, no, nothing like that in our family, we only 
play Strip Poker here at Aggie but we have plenty of opportunities to learn the regular game for 
the speaker informed us that the Faculty can tell us why is a flush? and any point that we wish to know. 
Very good Louie, why not a course in playing poker? Think it over. 



-THE SQUIB 




HOUR 

6 A. M. 

7 A. M. 

8 A. M. 

9 A. M. 



10 A. 


M. 


11 A. 


M. 


12 M 




1 P. 


M. 


1. 30 P.M. 



AN X-RAY OF A PROM CARRIAGE 

As is shown to us by a "Vet." scientist 



AFTER THE PROM. 
EVENT 

Sleep — Five blankets deep. 
BIG BEN clangs in the next cell. 
The bell metal in the chapel tower 
vibrates. 

Same as (8 A. M. only more serious, 
by one bell.) 

Motion under the five-all wool — it. 
A shut eye appears above the sel- 
vedge and unshuts. 
Hero stands on end surrounded by 
bathrobe. 

A dress suit moth balled and neatly 
packed away. 

Hero eases down Dorm stairs to 
dinner. 



1st Prommer — Why is a chaperon? 
2nd Prommer — To correct temperature and 
pressvire. 



SARTOR RESARTUS 

¥ F you should take a gii-1 to an informal, and — ■ 
* she should come out of the dressing room 
wearing one of those simplified gowns — consisting 
solely of a chest pi-otector and a skirt at half 
mast — would you be justified in demanding 
redress ? 



The Sophomores, we note with grim satis- 
faction, lost only a few of their number at the 
semi-annual butchery. If they keep on at this 
i-ate, they are in danger of becoming imminent 
scholars. 



UNDER THE SPREADING CHESTNUT 

UNDER the spi-eading chestnut tree 
A blushing Smith girl stands. 
The pretty space twixt arm and hand 
A little wrist-watch bands 
The fancy bag she lightly swings 
First aid to beauty bears 
A powder puff, a pencil rouge 
And jeweled pins (for tears), 
A card case, coin purse, a barrette 
A handkerchief, a yard of net 
A drinking cup, a collar stay, 
A ticket to the matinee, 
A comb, a brush, a powder rag 
All this we find in the Smith Girl's Bag. 



-THE SQUIB 



A LETTER THAT DROPPED OUT OF THE 
MAIL BAG 

Friend Nutsie: 

I'll have to write and tell you about our new 
invention, The Prom. Cabaret. 

"Mah goodness, mah goodness," as Peter 
Porter says, I haven't had such a good time since 
my mother turned me bottom side up for giving 
the gold fish a hot water bath. I called for my 
fair one and had to wait a good hour for her to 
put the finishing "touches" on. The girls wore 
their hats while dancing you know (sort of 
advance showing of Easter millinery) and her 
hat sawed my chin so I wore a piece of court 
plaster on it for a week afterwards. But what 
won't we do for the ladies? 

The music and singing as usual was beyond 
criticism. So far beyond that I can't reach it. 
Tables were placed around the hall, surrounded 
by a young forest, and our fair co-eds served ice 
cream, which, if you were wise you finished 
before your next dance, for when you came 
back you were likely to find that ice cream and 
dishes too, had vanished. 

My girl gave my pride an awful jolt that day. 
She had just danced a dance with another dancer 
and she said "Do you know that when you dance 
with me you dance pretty well.'" Seeing my 
deepening blush she hastened to correct herself, 
"Oh no, no, I mean that when we dance together 
you dance so much better than with anyone else." 
Of course you know I didn't object to her self 
praise but admitted I couldn't quite see through 
it yet. She thought it over a while and with 
profuse apologies said she meant to say that, 
although she knew she wasn't a good dancer 
she danced very well when she danced with me. 
A little better, no doubt, and my pride slid back 
into its accustomed place. 

Just the same, old man, the Cabaret was THE 
thing and I hope to see another. 

Eternally fraternally yours, 

Jasper. 





WOMAN! YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO DRINK 



ADVICE TO THE LOVELORN 
Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

I am in a very perplexing situation. For the 
last few weeks I have been praising my girl every 
time I have been to see her. Now if I stop prais- 
ing her she will think that I don't love her any 
more and if I keep it up she will think that she 
is too good for me. What, what shall I do? 
Yours lovely, 

I. M. Stuck. 

Dear I. M. Stuck, 

I really think I am stuck myself, but since 
you have praised her 10 to the 10th power times 
too many, it is essential that you write to Skinny 
Shanner of the Boston American Staff and he 
may enlighten you and appoint you a member of 
the Zoological Department as the writer of "well 
known sayings in the game of love." 




APTAIN of Company G— Fire at will! 
Private— -Who is Will? 



SIMPLY A FENCING MATCH 



HAIR RAISING 

Friend — Why where are your pretty locks? 
Artist — I gave one of them to a young lady. 
Friend — But the rest of them? 
Artist — My wife took them when she found it 
out. 



-THE SQUIB- 





POOR CUPID 

CUPID has his munition factories working over 
time at Aggie. His consumption of arrows 
is something extraordinary. Just think of it, 
dear reader, 20 per cent of the Senior class are 
either married or engaged. Why — ^why! — why — 
I dunno, it's hard to believe, but such is the 
case. I don't see any cigars being distributed 
on the campus — well, never mind sedate ones — 
good luck to you and may your troubles be small 
ones. 

PROF. — What is a centimeter? 
Sleepy Soph. — It is an animal with a hun- 
dred feet. 



GENERAL — Is your command well armed.f* 
Sergeant — Yes General, two per man except 
private O'Leary who lost one of his in the last 
engagement. 

SCOTTY 

SrOTTY is the pea-jacketed sailor, 
who breaks the bonds of every jailer 
Increases his neck seven inches around 
Grows ten inches up from the ground 
Dislocates each and every bone 
So you can hear 'em crackle and groan 
Sings like a lover upon his knees 
Gets half way through and says "holy good 
cheese." 



THE LULU BIRD SAYS— 
Love is a game that is never called on the account 

of darkness. 
If ten cents a line is the rate of the Western Union 

Telegraph what is sodium nitrate? 
Since the two steps on the cars have come into 

use the hobble skirt is going out of fashion. 
A man who bets is a bad man, but a man who 
doesn't bet is no better. 



THE SNAIL-MAN 

(Slowly and with deep feeling) 

SLEEPER, sleeper, dear old ci-eeper 
Crawling down the line 
We wonder, yes we wonder 
If in thunder, if you have a letter 
That is solely mine 
You're due at 'leven 
(Should be seven.) 
We're lucky if you come by noon. 
Never mind old creeper. 
You help us keep Her 
By carrying our letters to and fro, 
And we'll be sorry, yes very sorry. 
To ever see you go. 




\^1L 



THIS IS HOW HE DID IT 

HARRY VETCH— Yah, I was quite an agri- 
culturalist myself once. 
Timothy Straw — ^Yah? 

Harry Vetch — Yah — many a time have I used 
hay for a cover crop. 



Knut — -There isn't going to be any dancing 
at Mountain Park this year. 



P. Knut— Why not? 



«<" '!|i»**; 



i'f 



Knut — All the two-steps are on the cars. 



-THE SQUIB 



TYPOGRAPHICAL 

(Pass it along) 
To print a kiss upon her lips 

He thought the time was ripe; 
But when she went to press she said, 
"I do not like your type." 

— Boston Transcript. 

A kiss he printed on her lips 
And showed her no contrition, 

Because the artful minx inquired: 
"Well, when's the next edition." 

— Bi r ming ham A ge-Herald . 

He took her headliiies in his arms 

And murmured, "May I kiss you?" 

"I'll be your galley slave." She sighed, 
"I can't evade the issue." 

— J ack-o' -Lantern . 

"Your features make me want to wed" 

He sighed; she held aloof 
And said, "Your want adds to my joy, 

But let me see the proof." 

— The Gargoyle. 

He rhymed some copy to her then 

(For better or for woi-se). 
An inkling of his lead she scooped, 
A"nd said, "I'm not averse." 





THERE THE PALE (Pail) ARTIST 
HIS SICKLY TRADE 

Goldsmith 



PLIES 



Scene on Campus on a Rainy Day 



THE girl stood on the burning deck. 
Whence all but she had fled, 
And when she found she couldn't go, 
She turned both blue and red. 

She only had her nightie on, 
And the night was very cold. 
She shivei-ed so, that in her mouth 
Her false teeth she couldn't hold. 

At last the ship was all burned up 
And the girl jumped into the sea 
And against a piece of wreckage 
She bumped her little knee. 

This hurt her so she couldn't swim 
And was about to give up hope 
When a boat-load of full fishermen 
Threw her a big long rope. 

They turned and towed her to the shore, 
For there was no room in the boat, 
And there on the sand were her old false teeth, 
Now wouldn't that get your goat. 



gT. 



NO WONDER 
TUDENT^Look at the condition of this suit 

which I bought here only six weeks ago. 
Tailor — No wonder, when you climb out of 
the window every time you see me coming to 
collect for it. 



# 



f ITTLE WILLIE— Mamma, do all fairy tales 
'■^ begin "Once upon a time.?" 

His Mother (with an eye on little Willie's papa) 
— No, my dear, sometimes they begin "I was 
detained at the oflBce. 



THE SQUIB- 



THE ALIENATION OF AL 

Or What Happened Ten Years Down the Trail 

AL L'mnus, the Ten- Years-Out, was speeding 
Aggiewards in a tumult of fond recollections 
and a 1916 Ford runabout. "After all," he 
murmured as he advanced the spark and dodged 
around a cuff-button which someone had care- 
lessly left in the road, "after all these years, will 
Aggie seem the same to nie, or will it seem 
altered? A flood of memories surged up from 
his nether consciousness. The class banquet — 
the initiation — the razoo riots — truly, his college 
course had- been the happiest, not to say the 
snappiest, four years of his life. And he had 
not onlj' enjoyed a turbulent good time: he had 
emerged from the vortex with a Liberal Education. 
This fact comforted him; he felt that h's educa- 
tion had been very liberal. Not much of it had 
been useful, and, by definition, anything that 
isn't useful must be cultural. 

When Al reached the campus, he was gratified 
to find the old land-marks still doing business 
as land-marks. The chem. lab and the drill 
hall had not aged appreciably, having long since 
attained the maximum of decrepitude. The 
college pond was still used for bacterial cultures 
and other forms of culture. Leaving his Ford 
in the Trophy Room, Al set out to make a tour 
of the faculty. After meeting several of his old 
Profs., he decided that Paleontology wasn't in his 
line, a decision somewhat reinforced by the 
appearance of a gang of classmates. {Gang 
seems to be a more appropriate word than bevy 
although herd might possibly be used). The 
usual felicitations were exchanged, each man 
keeping a firm hold on his watch, in order to 
remain posted as to the time. . . . 

To be frank, Al was somewhat disappointed 
in his classmates. They had grown fat and 
bald, and most of them were married. They had 
forgotten how to play poker, and couldn't tell 
any funny stories. What a state of things! 
They knew nothing of the curi'ent burlesques, 
and hadn't attended the Gilmore since Goodness- 
Knows-When. In fact, they were dull, prosaic 
and uninteresting, and Al was quite right in 
feeling indignant. He was also quite right in 
cranking up his flivver and skidding back to the 
Bright Lights, where people are more receptive 
and convivial. Do you blame him-' We don't. 
We are glad he went. 

Moral: If you want to be a Gay Young Loth- 
ario, don't try any of that stiift' around here. 
We've reformed since Raymond Robins made 
us sign the papers. 
8 




THE ALUMNI AS WE SEE THEM 




AS THEY REALLY ARE 



PREPAREDNESS 

OUR hero arose, took a mercury bath for 
that heavy feeling), ran a few meters of 
dental floss through his pearly whites and yawned 
thrice. Vainly he tried the combination of a 
Notch collar and a reversible tie (IT did not 
offer a becoming background for his skull and 
bones scarf pin). At last he obtained the desired 
affect when he riveted a gates-ajar Clupeco 
shrunk to a silkateen shirt with a furrowed 
bosom. (The gloss shone from every furrow). 
Then he invested and coated himself with his 
pencil stripe slice cut English suit. His hat 
was of the common sort handy to doff at the 
approach of co-eds. Completing the details of 
his simple toilet he made his way through the 
silent night to Stockbridge Hall. WHO WAS 
HE.' EASY! A shorthorn going to the short- 
horn concert. 



-THE SQUIB 





DID YOU SAY CHICKENS BOYS? 

There are plenty of them at AGGIE 



FORUM 

Feasible Fees for Future Feverish Freshmen 
1. Infirmary (when the pond is perfectly clean). 
For the promiscuous use of the various green 

receptables. 
For vieM' of the Mount Warner sunset (from 

the Chem. Lab.) 
For electric fans, ammonia and ice bags 

(during finals only). 
For thermometric surprises (not listed in 

the catalogue). 
For weekly boutonnieres (for the Senate 

members). 
For damages during Major talks (to other 

majors). 
For the maintenance of Campus guards (at 

every paper towel). 



6 



8 



AGGIE ECONOMICS WITH ADAM AND EVE 

Imports and Exports 

STUDENT— Gee, I wish we only had to do 
these for Adam and Eve's time when they 
raised but three crops. 
So? What were they? 
Hay, fig leaves and whiskers. 



NEWS ITEM 1966 

Di'aper Hall originally the College dining hall 
is now the "Home For Aged and Retired Assistant 
Superintendents of the Grounds Department." We 
witness with pleasure the varied activities of 
these worthy gentlemen. Although quite vener- 
able they are still able to shovel snow or trim 
shrubbery for a few minutes occasionally. The 
good old fellows recently had a banquet. As a 
fitting climax to the afl^air a handsome engraved 
Aluminum Lawn Mower was awarded to the 
winner of the recent contest in grafting pie- 
plants. A petition was read from the residents 
of the Newburyport Turn Pike asking for a 
few seedlings of Bartlett Pear trees. It was 
granted ... A rather unfortunate occurrence 
nearly marred the success of the evening. One 
of the older gentlemen had a touch of insanity, 
he murmured something about the time when 
there were board walks on the very Campus. 
He was immediately removed to the Goodwin 
AVard of the Infirmary. 



•THE SQUIB- 




LUCKY DOG 

This is a CRUEL world boys, and to think it is 

Leap Yeai-. 



# 



\ N Aggie Freshman strolled into a Gent's 
** Misfit Clothing store to get himself a new 
old suit. The salesman asked him "What size?" 

"Well," said the freshie, "I can wear size 38, 
but give a size 50." 

The salesman swallowed hard three times and 
said: "What's the idea?" 

The freshie replied, "Oh, I believe in getting 
all I can for my money." 



# 



If a young housewife was to cast her bread 
upon the waters, it wouldn't come back to her. 
It would sink. 



# 



JOHN — You ought to be more careful in what 
you say to Dick, he will be challenging you to 
a duel one of these days. 

Jack — He has already challenged me but when 
I named the weapons he backed out. 
John — What weapons did you name? 
Jack — Swords at fifty paces. 

Professor — Thei'e has been only two people in 
the history of the world who have been able to 
perform this experiment which I am about to 
show you, and one of them is now dead. 

Voice from the audience — ^Why didn't they 
bury you? 



10 



-THE SQUIB 



MOMENTS AT THE COURSES 

ARE these big, I'ed books the students are 
perusing so assiduously, copies of Bowser" 
"What Will Happen to the Giant Amoeba, 
when Gabi-iel Blows his Horn for the Millefolum," 
or are they Baedekers' Guide to Hamp " ? Neither, 
Kind Reader, nor are they the Automobile Blue- 
Book, because as mentioned herein before, they 
are bound in attractive red, which excludes them 
from the category of Intei-esting Reading. Per- 
haps we have a clue when the professor opens the 
seance. He hands out large packages of paper 
to a few Willing Workers, who nimbly distribute 
them among the class, amid loud groans. Of 
course, this is only a jestful bluff on the part o{ 
the boys, because they all knew that there was 
to have been a Written Quiz. 

"What effect has the poem, 'The Gilded 
Dome,' on the rise of the prices demanded by 
steeple-jacks as a return for their elevating 
influence.'" (Loud remarks, addressed to nobody 
in particular: "That was never assigned." 
"Don't you mean 'The Golden Thread'.?"). 

"We'll have a little of Wordswoi-th this moi-n- 
ing." (More groans and a confused jumble 
which finally subsides in about five minutes.) 
Then the Reading commences. Some of the 
dear students begin to look like the very personi- 
fication of "rapt Attention," while others take 
on the appearance of a man's size nap. The 
recital grows intense. The words float up to 
the ceiling over the students' heads with a burning 
eloquence. The drowsy listener has a vague 
impression of an arm and hand i-aising in the 
air, somewhei-e Down-in-Front. The finger 
quivers with feeling as it points toward Heaven, 
and the poem describes the torture of some 

poor soul in . The students nod their heads, 

but it is not with approbation, it is with drowsi- 
ness. The finger still remains suspended. So 
does the reading. Then a voice from the rear 
says: "Doctor Munyon, put down that hand." 







THE VESTED CHOIR 

Sing Brothers Sing 

A STUDENT rushed into the Hash House 
Cafeteria and hollered at the waiter," 
Say, Snail, crawl over here with a couple of leads 
and a cup of mud Mater without any cow in it. 

" Whatchemean," said the crawler. 

"Why I mean sinkers you poor Doughnut. 
Aren't they made of lead. Ha! Ha! 

When leaving he planked a plugged nickel 
down on the counter (Boston prices.) 

"Say," said the cashier, "that nickel has a 
hole in it." 

"So has your sinkers," said the student, as 
the darkness swallowed him. 



Please send flowers to the Mayor of East 
Entry, You Know Don Well, he's the cause of 
the above. 

pROFESSOR— Always remember if you add 
■■• one to it, it will always be odd. 

Whisper in back row — Some one must have 
added one to you. 






11 



THE SQUIB 



SQUIBBY'S RIDE 

OUT of the west at the break of dawn 
The PELICx'^.N sounded his raucous horn. 
The affrighted air with a shudder bore 
The Illinois SIREN to the chieftain's door, 
The terrible grumble, rumble and roar, 
Telling the Princeton TIGER was there that day 
And SQUIBBY twenty miles away. 

There is a road from Hanover town 

A good broad highwaj^ leading down 

And there through the flush of its own white light, 

The JACK 0"-LANTERN speeds thru the 

night ; 
The CORNELL WIDOW swept with eagle flight, 
And the Pittsburg PANTHER knew the terrible 

need 
So he stretched away with his utmost speed. 
Hills rose and fell, but their hearts were gray 
For SQLTIBBY was fifteen miles away. 




A MAN'S A MAN FOR A'THAT 



The MEDICINE MAN sped down the road. 

Like the angry GARGOYLE under the goad, 

And the JESTER sped far ahead 

Not by the LONGHORN to be lead; 

And the PUNCH BOWL like LAMPOON fed 

with furnace fire 
Swept on, with the PURPLE COW full of ire. 
But Lo, they are nearing their heart's desire. 
The LEHIGH BURR snuffs the smoke of the 

fray 
With SQUIBBY only five miles away. 

The first that SQUIBBY saw were groups 
Of Stragglers, then the retreating troops: 
What was done.? What to do? The SUN 

DIAL told him both. 
Then striking his spurs, with BRUNONIAN 

strength, 
He dashed down the line, the entire length. 
And the wave of retreat was checked because 
The sight of the master compelled it to pause. 
With foam and dust SQUIBBY was gray 
By the flash of his eye and red nostrils play, 
He seemed to the whole great army to say 
I have brought you new "pep" all the way 
From Amherst town to save the day. 

With due apologies to Read. 



PASSENGER— What makes the train run so 
slow? 
Irate conductor — If you don't like it you can 
get off and walk. 

Passenger — Hwonlrl, only I am not expected 
until train time. 

12 




A "PUCK" ARTIST 

He can draw any goal tender out of the cage 




VACUUM CLEANING IN A TONSORIAL 
PARLOR 
REMOVES all the— dirt 



—THE SQUIB- 





The Ca-i^rpillar and — - ^e 'A)\x^rHj 

A ^ecoWec^-n o^^<e 'Prom 




i/ke 



'^Aumoer' 



niLXT! 



T' 



The biggest, best number yet 

Contributions to be received from: 
Holyoke, Radcliff, Simmons, Smith and Wellesley 



Be Prepared 



13 



Have your photograph made at a Studio where 
you are assured of entire satisfaction both as to 
price and quality. 

Make appointments for portraits and fraternity 
groups by telephone at our expense. 

The 

Katherine E. McClellan 

Studio 

44 State Street, - Northampton, Mass. 



Compliments of 

A. J. GALLUP, INC, 

We sell 

Hart Schaffner & Marx Clothes 



293-297 HIGH ST., 



HOLYOKE, MASS. 



Pianos, Player-Pianos 

Victor- Victrolas 

lOc— POPULAR SONGS— lOc 

L. M. PIERCE CO. 



98 Pleasant Street 

0pp. Plaza 



Northampton 
A. R. HODDER, Mgr. 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 



a nn nn rji rgi rcj 
20 GD E3 Gs E3 



The Happy Hunting Grounds for 
Ye Aggie Men 



MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS 



"The Mutual" 

Headquarters for 

Winslow Skates 

HOCKEY STICKS, SKATE STRAPS, 
PUCKS, ETC. 

The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 



Ros'es! 



Roses! 



The Montgomery Co., Inc. 

'R.ose Growers 

HADLEY, MASS. 

Thousands of roses cut daily 

Furnished in any quantity 

Sent anywhere 

Telephones: Amherst 196-R. Northampton 660 



Editor of College Comic — Very good drawing 
l)ut it strikes me I've seen it before. 

Contributer — Why sir, I drew it from life. 

Editor — I guessed it. Try some of the other 
Comics next time. I read Life myself. 

— Briinonian. 

He — When is a joke not a joke? 
She— Well. 
He — Usually. 

— Wisconsin Awh. 



**Ye Aggie Inn" 

''EVERYTHING IS SO TASTY" 

Student Supplies of all Kinds in our Store 

Ingersol Watches in Celluloid Cases $1.00 



FIRMS THAT ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 




M. A. C. Representatives 

DONALD SHERINYAN, 1916 

5 North Dormitory, 

Classes of 1918—1919 



EDGAR PERRY, 1916 

Alpha Sigma Phi House, 

Classes of 1916—1917 



A FEW OLD SAWS SHARPENED 

MANY are called, but few know when to lay 
down. 
A stitch in time saves many a pair of good sox. 
Eat, drink and be — careful. 
Love your neighbors as yourself, but don't 
let your wife catch on. 

THIS leaf here. 
Is my dear 
The fly leaf as you see; 
And if you're wise. 

Don't show surprise, 
If it gets fresh to thee. 



A GOOD PLACE TO EAT 

The Ideal Lunch 

S. J. HALL, Prop. 

Excellent Service Fine Cuisine 

40 Main Street 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Transcript 
Photo Engraving Company 

NORTH ADAMS, MASS. 

Engravers of Merit 




We Solicit Work in College 
Publications 
Get Our Rates 



It is better to 
have your 

fl^ rintiriQ 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printing— IRuIing— Binding 

North Adams, Mass. 



GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 



PATRONIZE THESE MEN WHEN IN NORTHAMPTON 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 

flemings ^oot Shop 

211 MAIN Street 



The Spring Styles are here 



NORTHAMPTON, 



MASS. 



Some people lire to eat, Others eat to live. 

Boyden's Restaurant 

Serves all 

Delicious Dishes Best of Service 

Catering 

Facilities for College Banquets 



196 Main St. 



Northampton 



BECKMANN'S 



ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 



247-249 Main Street 



Northampton 



An Introduction 

ONE moment, please! We'd like to introduce you 
to our new spring suits for young men. 
Light in color, light in weight, light in price. 
$15. buys a good one. 

For Twenty Dollars one worth $5. more. 
$30 buys the quality that artisan tailors try to 
equal. 

MERRITT, CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Wiswell the Druggist 

82 Main St. Northampton 

Did you know that we are serving the "Best" 
Hot Chocolate 
to be had anyvi^here 
Try our 

Hot Chocolate Fudge Sundae 

Its a Big Hit 
Hamp's Busiest Soda Fountain 



"And, Bill, have you been to 'The Birth of a 
Nation?'" 

"Sure, I've slept in one." 

"What?" 

"In a piillman car, you boob." 

— -Yale Record. 

Husband (to his wife) — Come to me little 
chick. 

Wife's mother (fanning herself) — You've a 
polite way of. calling me an old hen. 

— Lehigh Burr. 




Opticians 



Particular Merit 



O.T. Dewhurst 

201 MAIN ST. 

Opp. City Hall Northampton 

Telephone 184-W 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

^he JeWel 
Store 

Also THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

Telephone 1307-M 



FIRMS THAT ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING WORTH OFFERING 



WHEN YOU ARE IN NORTHAMPTON PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 




Dancing Pumps and Dancing 






RAHARS INN 




Oxfords 

— for— 


Northampton , Massachusetts 




EUROPEAN PLAN 




The Best Place To Dine 




THE JUNIOR PROM 


GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 
ALL KINDS OF SEA FOOD 




E. ALBERTS 


Good Banquet Facilities 




241 Main Street opp. Clarke Library 


Special Dishes at All Hours 




NORTHAMPTON 


R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 




GEORGE HARDING '19 Afient 












Order Cooking Specials 


Woodward's Lunch 

27 Main Street Masonic Block 




The Elms Restaurant 


Lunches Soda — Ice Cream 




Best Quality Food Moderate Prices 


Closed only from 1 a. m. to 4 a. m. 




E. G. DILL, Proprietor 










213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 


F. W. WOODWARD, Prop. 




PHELPS & GARE 


R, F. Armstrong & Son 




3lpmpbr0 


£ Headquarters for the latest in 
-" College Men's wear and at reas- 










onable prices. We make a specialty 




112 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 


of Young Men's Clothes and 
Furnishings at prices that are right. 

COME and look, our lines over 




"Massachusetts Men" welcome to look over 






our stock at any time. 


80 Main Street Northampton, Mass. 




She went down to the round h'ouse 


Prepare for Your Trips at 




And interviewed an oiler; 






"What is that thing?" "Wliy," he replied, 
"That is the engine boiler." 


W. L. CHILSON 




"And why do they boil engines?" asked 






The maiden, sweet and slender; 
"They do it," said the honest man. 


Trunks, Bags, Suit Cases, Horse Goods 




"To make the engine tender." 






— Rose Technic. 


Try us once and you Will try us again 




He — Do you believe in preparedness? 






She — Well I wouldn't mind being in arms. 






— Jester. 


141 Main Street Northampton 





GIVE THESE ADVERTISERS A CHANCE TO SHOW YOU 




Gordon 



\ 



\ 






I 



The college man's shirt. Well made of 
fine white Oxford. Cut on patterns that 
assure perfectly comfortable fit. It is an 

ARROW SHIRT 



PRESS 



CLUETT, PEA BODY & CO., Inc., Mf/ArrA 0/ A R ROW C O L L A RS, T R O Y, N. Y. 



PLYMOUTH INN 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 




A High-Class Hotel desirably located for 

College iPatronage 

Especially suited to the requirements of 

tourists on account of its pleasant 

location 



American and European Plans 
Special Attention to Banquets 



The College Man's Shop 

179. Main St., Northampton 



Clothes, Furnishings, 
Shoes, Hats 



It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the correct 
thing in young men's wear. 



Visit us for Distinctive Apparel 



Excellent 

Dining Car 

Service 




Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 



Best Trains West 



12.45 p. m. " 
2.55 p. m. " 

4.37 p. m. - 

7.25 p. m. - 

10.28 p. m. - 

Stop-over 



Leave Springfield 

-For Buffalo, Toledo, Elkhart, South Bend and 
Chicago. 

-20th Century Limited. Arrives Pittsburg 
7.15 a. m., Chicago 9.45 next morning. 

-For Cleveland. Columbus. Dayton, Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis, St.,.Louis, Detroit and Chicago. 

-For Buffalo, "St. Thomas, Detroit, Jackson, 
Saginaw, Bay City, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo, 
Cleveland and Chicago. 

-For Syracuse. Buffalo and New York State 
points. 

at Niagara Falls — no extra charge 



Boston & Albany R. R. 



(N. Y. C. R. R. Co., Lessee) 



Information 

Concerning Tickets 

will be gladly 

furnished 



^ 



NEWYORK 

(ENTRAL 

*^. LINES J 



upon request to 
James Gray, D. P. A. 
119 Worthington St., 
Springfield, Mass. 



The SQUIB 

IS on sale at the following places 



Amherst: 



Adams Drug Store, Aggie Inn, College Drug Store, 
Hastings, CollegeStore 



South Hadley Center: 



)rug Store 



Northampton: 



HeffeTnan Stationers, 
Niqette's Drug Store. (The end of the car line) 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Campion 



FINE TAILORING 



COLLEGE OUTFITTER 



Ready to Wear Clothes 



Dress Suits and Accessories 



School and College 

pbotoorapbers 




52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
New York City 



DRAPER HOTEL 



NORTHAMPTON, 



MASS. 



We Solicit the M. A. C. 
Patronage 

First Class Banquet Facilities 



Wm. m. Kimball, Prop. 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres. 

Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier 



First National Bank 

Northampton 




Do Your Banking Business with Us. 

Deposits Received by Mail will 

be Promptly Acknowledged 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Women Outer-apparel of Incomparable Smartness 

and Distinction 



mn 



OMEN'S suits which in treatment are suggestive of the days of yore 
and unusually smart . Coats showing a decided element of novelty 
- in materials and colors. Dresses decisively distinctive and very 
beautiful; Wraps of charming becomingness, and millinery with a 
decidedly chic air of originality and novelty both in trimming and 
shape. We're ready, splendidly ready, with everything that will 
be the vogue for the new season. 



A. Steiger & Co. 



HOLYOKE 



Seven large and progressive stores in New England. 



Mail and phone orders promptly filled, 



SHEEHAN'S SHOP 



233 Maple St. 



Holyoke, Mass. 



DRESSES AND SUITS 



Designed and especially adapted for 
all outdoor activities. - - - 
Juniors and Misses' in Warranted 
Materials. . . . . 



(&YUStS 



THE SPECIALTY SHOP FOR WOMEN 

190 STATE STREET SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



Our Spring and Summer Line of Suits, Dresses, 
Skirts and Waists, are almost complete with a 
Special Selection of Youthful Models Suitable for 
The College Miss 



We Solicit Your Inspection and Approval 



TELEPHONE 3180 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUC'CESSFUL BUSINESS 



A. A. ®ooI|ey 



Women's Wear 

Distinctive in Design 

and Quality 



Telephone 



177 Main St., Northampton, Mass. 
Portland, Maine 



Have your photograph made at 
a Studio where you are assured of 
entire satisfaction both as to price 
and quality. 

Make appointments for portraits 
and fraternity groups by telephone 
at our expense. 

THE 

KATHERINE E. McCLELLAN 
STUDIO 

44 State Street 
Northampton, Mass. 



'*Bide-a-Wee" 



THE 



^be mHaftle Ibnuse 

Waffles and Other Good Things to Eat 

MRS. L. M. STEBBINS 

Middle St. Tel. 415-W Hadley, Mass. 



aub ®^a Ennma 

§"01x111 ^a&Ipy, ifflasa. 

IQclramps fflnur JJalranagr 

iFttiPst nf 3lrf (Erram 

Srlictnita S'traiubrrry ^liortraUr 

Sujpntg-fiup ijufBta ran be arrnminnliatrii 
during "Aggip" rumm?nrrmrnt 



A GOOD UNDERSTANDING 

Your chorus girl friend seems like 
a bright little thing. 

Yes, she exhibits more or less 
understanding. 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candiesl& 
Ice Cream 

247-249 Main Street 
Northampton 





— Lampoon. 




WHERE? 




'to- 


-Got a .surprise the 


other 


night. 






'18- 


-WeJ? 




'19- 


-Wanted to kiss a gir — 


- 


'18- 


-Well.? 




'19- 


-But didn't know how 


she'd 


take it— 




'18- 


-So— 




'19- 


-I asked her — ■ 




'18- 


-And she said.? 




'19- 


-On the lips! 






— Yale Record. 




SAY TOMMY 




Tommy — Oh, mother, look a 


t that 



man! He's only got one arm. 



it? 



Mother — Hush! He'll hear you. 
Tommy — Why, doesn't he know 

— Tiger. 



YOUR EYES 

Examined by the most 
approved Methods 



Your glasses designed 
for the most becom- 
ing effect 



OSCAR L. McCULLOCK 

Optometrist Optician 

54 Suffolk St., Holyoke, Mass. 



Order Cooking 



Specials 



The Elms Restaurant 




Best Quality Food 
Moderate Prices 

E. G. DILL, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



Roses! Roses! 

The Montgomery Co. 

INCORPORATED 

'R.ose Growers 

HADLEY. MASS. 

Thousands of roses cut daily 

Furnished in any quantity 

Sent anywhere 

Telephones: 

Amherst I 96-R. Northampton 660 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 




■a 1 p< 1 

3 ifo 1 

1 1 II ft 1 

! B' 1 B TJ 1 ! E 5 



Stop (2^ //ze Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD ST., NEAR BROADWAY 



Single Room, with Bath - - - - $2.00 to $3.00 for one 
Single Room, with Bath and Two Beds, $4.00 to $5.00 for two 



TI^\E^ SQUARt 



Located just off Times Square 

HOTEL WOODSTOCK 

is within a handy walk of everything — terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines — theatres and clubs, yet you can have quiet, refinement, and service withal. 



European plan restaurant 
unexcelled tor its cuisine 



Write for our Map of New York 



Service and accommodations unsur- 
passed for completness and efflciency 



W. H. VALIQUETTE 

Managing Director 



A. E. SINGLETON 

Asst. Manager 



Thomas S. Childs 

(Incorporated) 

275 HIGH ST.. HOLYOKE 



Footwear of Quality 
and Fashion 

At Reasonable Prices 

$3.00 to $7.00 

With Hosiery to Match 
At 25c to $1.00 



The Largest Assortment in Western 
Massachusetts 



A Good Place to Eat 



The Ideal Lunch 

S. J. HALL, Prop. 



Excellent Service 



Fine Cuisine 



40 MAIN STREET 
NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Greater Service Than Ever 

Every day strains which continually cause "loose lenses" 
or breakage with ordinary glasses have no effect on our Inlaid 
Gold eyeglasses and spectacles. 

Inlaid Gold mountings have no screws through the 
glass, are much less noticeable and never loosen. 

Your Present Lenses Can Be Used. 

O. T. DEWHURST 

Maker of Perfect Fitting Glasses 

201 Main St. Opposite City Hall 

Northampton, Mass. Telephone 184-W 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Compliments of 



E. D. Marsh Estate 



STUDENT FURNITURE 



Get in Practice for the Winter 
Tournaments at 



Metcalf s Bowling Alleys 



Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 



Stationery, Blank Books and 
Fountain Pens 

1918 and 1919 
COLLEGE STATIONERY 



A. G. Hastings 



Newsdealer and Stationer 



GILMORE THEATRE 



THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 



Four Days Every Week Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 



Perfectly appointed rooms for 
your guests 

Attractive Dining Room 



ELxceptional Cuisine 
Telephone 835 1 



Henry Adams Co, 

Cbe no. H. C. 
DrugQists jt 

Candies and Ices 

Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rex all Store 



AFTER THE QUARREL 

He — And shall we never meet 
again? 

She — Never! Unless you want 
to take me to a Dance or Matinee. 
— Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. 



LOVELY WOMEN 

Co-ed (as machine came to stop) — 
Oh, dear, what's wrong? 

John — Stripped the gears. 

Co-ed — Oh, John, do you think it 
will show? 

— The Sir 671. 



1917 — What's your specialty? 

1916 — Economics. 

1917 — What does that teach you 
to do? 

1916— It isn't "what." It's 
"whom." 

— Brunonian. 



HONESTA^ WINS 

He — There goes the honestest girl 
in the world. 

She— How's that? 

He — She won't even take a kiss 
without returning it. 

• — California Pelican 



"For the Land's 
Sake" 



BOWKER 




M. A. C. 
Representatives 



DONALD SHERINYAN, 1916 

5 North Dormitory, 
Classes of 1918—1919 




EDGAR PERRY, 1916 

Alpha Sigma Phi House, 

Classes of 1916—1917 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



PICTURES OF M. A. C. 
Printed by a New Process 

Will be a Distinctive Feature of the Lithogravure Supplement of 

Tl^^ Springfield Republican 

Next Sunday, April 9th 

Order your copy now and you will want one every Sunday thereafter 



The Republican, Daily and Sunday gives all the news all the time without froth or faking 



ISnltJDkp 




j^ancmq 

Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 
8:30 to 1 1 :30 in the Ball Room. 

Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 
6 P.M. 

SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER $1.25 

Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music) 

GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager 




Caps and Gowns 

Makers to 

Massachusetts Agricultural, Amherst, Brown, Yale 
and many others 

Faculty Gowns and Hoods 

Purple, Choir and Judical Robes 

Cox Sons & Vining 

72 Madison Ave., New York 



MENTION THE BQUIB 




Anne /le^t'dAe-f/, 




HER SUNDAY (K)NIGHT 




GGIE SQUIB 



Vol II 



March 1916 



No. 9 



1ST Stewd — What vegetable is the reception 
room in a Smith Dormitoiy like? Two 
guesses. 

2nd Stewd — Squash? Peach? 
1st Stewd — Nope, mushroom. 



He — And how do you like yoiu* botany course? 

She — Oh I think that it is positively dis- 
agreeable and horrid and hateful. Why, they 
even make us draw cross sections. 



PROF — (Lecturing on" Sweetness and Light ")■ — ■ 
May a beautiful spreading tree at the height 
of its foliage, growing by the cool country road- 
side, be considered a poem? 

Bright '19 — If it is I wouldn't like to consider 
carrying a book of poetry. 



' I 'WO young freshmen are out walking and a 
* pretty Smith girl passes them. 
A — "Did you notice that she smiled at me?" 
B — "Nothing remarkable in that. The first 

time I saw you I almost died laughing." 

TOBACCO TO BURN 

TACK— Do you SmokaroU? 
Ticks — No I spend mine. 



H 



IGH— I hear that the "Birth of a Nation" 

has come to town. 

Ram — Yes, I wonder if it's given by the Aboi-n 
Opera Company. 

# 

1ST Co-ed — They say Jack is a fine wrestler. 
* 2nd Co-ed — Yes he has a wonderful hold. 



Freshman (who has just stolen a banana, 
holds skin up in front of owner and says) — I 
appeal to you. 

Owner (tapping him on the head) — ^Your 
appeal is fruitless. 

# 

AT THE INTER-CLASS 

THAT race was pi-etty close, who won it? 
The second guy did. 
How do you make that out. 
Oh he stuck out his tongue and lapped the 
first guy. 

AGRICULTURAL ECONOMICS 

PHAN — ^I can eat only one dish of this sauce 
it has so much seasoning in it. Chesley's 
cook must be near-sighted. 

Phun — Nope, wrong dope, he's far-sighted. 



HEARD AT THE CARD TABLE 
^AITER — What are you taking that roll 
upstairs for? Do you pass it around 
when you get hungry like a pipe o' peace? 
Coed — No, a bite apiece. 



w 




PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 



F. C. LARSON '17 
Editor-in-Chief 

A. E. LINDOUIST '16 
Business Manager 



L. T. BUGKMAN '17 
Associate Editor 
H. M. WARREN '17 
Circulating Editor 



C. H 


HALLET '17 


Art Editors 
F. K. BAKER '18 


H. A. PRATT '17 


$1.50 A YEAR 


"QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 


15 CENTS A 


COPY 


Publislied Once A Month 


All business communications should be addressed to the Business Manager; 
communications should be submitted to the Editor-in-Chief ; as well as all drawings. 


literary 


Entry as Second Class Mail Matter pending 


Vol. 


II. 


MARCH, 1916 




No. 9 



GIRLS! 



GIRLS! 



GIRLS! 



x' ' 

W* 




S it not fortunate for the men of Aggie 
to have their college located on such a 
fine site and moreover, in such close 
proximity to the neighboring colleges of 
the fairer sex. Is it still not more for- 
tunate for us to be able to sit down and 
read the witty remarks of the girls who 
attend these various institutions including 
the wit of our own Co-eds? Girls, girls, 
girls — why it is the leading topic of the 
college man's conversation. We all agree 
that the greatest of all necessities of life 
is — a girl. A girl, in the common accep- 
tance of that word implies at first thought, 
a "Dig deep" idea which causes one to be 
thrown into an atmosphere saturated 
and embossed with $$$, ccc, etc. Never- 
theless, on our part there is a generosity 
of soul which prompts the giving of 
material aid to those favoring a good 
time. Informals, concerts, shows, enter- 
tainments of all kinds are held for the 
benefit of the girl and the costs are billed 
to father, for he himself was once a prey 
to woman. 



-THE SQUIB 



But, dear reader, Squibby does not intend to discuss the characteristics of the college girl, 
but he has endeavoi-ed to bring you in closer contact with her witty sayings. This number is the 
original gloom chaser and is going to make you so everlastingly happy that you will forget 
all about the expense that she causes you and the next time that you pay her a visit you will bring 
the U. S. Mint along with you. We hear all girls say "And he said," and the matrons say — 
"But, I'll say this much," and the youth says — "And she said," But, Squibby will say this much, 
that although you get just what you look for in this lire, you'll never find the true humor of the college 
girl expressed in a more startling manner than in this number. Therefore, follow the routine of 
the three L's LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE. 




QUIBBY wishes to express his hearty thanks to the girls of 
the various colleges who have been so kind and generous to 
supply him with characteristic "girlish" jokes; as well as his 
appreciation for their drawings which symbolize the true spirit 
and ability of the college girl along these lines. Through their 
endeavors he has been able to make this number a success 
and hopes that he may be able to reciprocate. Any criticism 
as to the ability of the Squib'fi artists to demonstrate the 
coming spring styles for young ladies may be submitted to 
the Woman's Shops advertising in this number. Again, we 
thank you one and all. 



# 



OUR SPRING POET SAYS: 

PRING, wintry spring, hast thou no conscience? 
Can you not see the ailment and predicament that 
you have caused us to undergo? Do you not realize 
that your birthday happened sometime ago and you 
failed to appear on that day? Do you think that 
you are treating your timid little tape worm, the 
ground hog, exactly right by forcing him to remain 
in his little hole for such a great length of time? 
Moreover, is it justice, we repeat, to our hockey 
manager who has gone insane thinking that hockey 
season was on again? Is it right, to make our social 
lights travel on skiis over to Smith and Mt. Holyoke 
to make their Sunday calls. Is it fair, we ask, to 
make us miss those moonlight walks with the only girl in the good old springtime? Non, non, non, 
ayez coeur! What subject are we nlostly interested in at the present time.^— Sprmg. What does 
the poet write about ?-Spring. What does the fusser think about?— Sprmg. Why is Bock Beer? 
Spring. Therefore, Spring>ou see it is all spring, so yoii must get sprmgy and sprmg a little sprmg. 
on us. ., i^ 

*Passed by the Spring Board of Springers. 




THE SQUIB- 




ONE problem that bothers the College Girl 
Is that great big laundry bill. 
She has to look pretty, neat and clean 
When the chaps come over the hill. 

So above, we have made a suggestion 
How to solve this problem hard, 
And if you think it's worth any thanks 
We'd be pleased if you'd drop us a card 

Or if you're of a generous natui-e 
And not a pleasure us begrudge 
You can send us an invitation 
To come over and sample your fudge. 



NEW ENGLAND WEATHER 

The rainy queen her fair maid hailed, 

And said "Your brain is foggy." 
Sh.e stormed, and raved, and finally cooled. 

And with an icy stare concluded. 
Then this reply did she receive, as she her head 
did lift. 

"Snow again, I didn't get your drift." 



DEFINITIONS OF HEAVEN 

Senior — The offer of a job at a few thousand 
per(haps) including an auto and a pretty stenog. 

Junior — A prom with no expense, lasting six 
months, and twice a year. 

Sophomore — A new class of frosh every week 
to sell chapel hymn books to, and no Triumverate. 

Frosh — A college with no sophomore class 
and five bolts a day. 



THE PERFECT LADY 

' I 'HE perfect lady must have poise 
^ To please the Chesterfieldan boys. 
She must possess a "Hints to Cooks" 
And throw well sidelong her good looks. 

She has to be quite jirini and nice 
And never eat a college ice. 
And sip her Postum without sound 
And never slide on spillery ground. 

At dances she is sometimes seen 
But doesn't think it a bit mean. 
If one by one she sits them out 
While other ladies whirl about. 

And if you ask her to a show. 
The perfect lady sure will go. 
The movies often fill her need 
She even thanks j^ou for your deed. 

Her correspondence is divine 
She sends a kiss in every line 
She even fancies bowers shady 
Because she is a perfect lady- 







i:;i:i 



t'Mi&rf- 





SPRING IS HERE 

MOTHER (to little AVillie)— Isn't that a pretty 
horse.* 
Willie — Yop, and his name is Damitall. 
Mother — Why, Willie what makes you think 
that? 

Willie — Well the man said "Dam it all, git up." 



-THE SQUIB 



COMMENTS ON THE GAME LAWS FOR 
DEER 
By The Deerslayer 
ll/ITH few exceptions, there is no open season 
^ " lor deer, so that they have to be caught on 
the sly. There are various ways of doing this, 
but probably the most satisfactory one is to call 
it sweet names, and when it gets near enough to 
throw your arms around its neck and feed it 
"Page and Shaw's Mixed." As to the excep- 
tions, deer having horns not less than three inches 
long may be taken in enclosed deer parks. This 
variety is by no means uncommon, in fact they 
are too numerous. They are not very popular 
with the amateur sportsman, for they are exceed- 
ingly dangerous and when once caught, are 
expensive and hard to hold. 

No person shall take more than two deer in 
an open season. In one of our western states 
this law has been repeatedly broken, but the 
authorities ai-e putting a ban on the habit. It 
is against the law to chase deer with dogs. This 
is very unsportsmanlike, and fortunatelj' 
seldom done. Probably the most unpopular law 
is the one which states that no deer shall be 
taken while in the water. This is a law which is 
repeatedly broken and, in reality, is not given 
much consideration. During the summer time, 
if there is an open season, there are a large 
number caught along the Altantic seaboard, and 
also on many of the inland lakes. There !s 
nothing unsportsmanlike about this method of 
catching deer and it is generally hoped that this 
law will be repealed. 




STARTLING EXPOSURES OF A COLLEGE 
GIRL 

" I 'HE committee for the investigation of the 
* conditions of college girls has recently 
reported some alarming facts. It was found 
that nine and three fifths girls out of every ten, 
when attending social functions wear only ten 
percent of their clothes, that is to say their 
own clothes, the other forty percent being the 
clothes of other girls in the house. This little 
fact is published to calm the minds of those 
men who hesitate to pop the question because 
they are afraid that they will not be able to buy 
their loved one a different coat for every Sunday 
night. 

The committee also has definite information 
that a trophy is awarded in every house at the 
end of the year to the girl or girls who succeed 
in filling your hat with sawdust, rice, etc., while 
you are in the parlor with the only girl. Other 
small individual prizes are offered to girls who can 
stuff two pounds or more of old shoes into your 
right hand overcoat pocket, the conditions being 
that visitor when at his departure finds out the 
charity bestowed upon him, must say "what 
the hell" or the equivalent. 

For this last evil the committee has suggested 
that the competition rules be changed so as to 
i-ead two poimds of candy in the clause where it 
now reads two pounds of old shoes. 




AT HOME 



AT COLLEGE 



THE SQUIB 

FROM THE SIMMONS GIRLS 




DULY ENSHRINED 



OROP'— " Miss H., what are the different 
*■ crystalline forms of sulphur?" 

Miss H. — "The Rhombic and Oi-thopedic." "Around the Map" with "Daddy Long Legs?' 



DO you think "It Pays to Advertise" when 
"The Only Girl" goes "Rolling Stones" 



(S> 



'OAY, Esther, do you know how they summon 



A LICE — "Oh, Mary, I think Bunny's Irish, 



the deaf mutes to dinner at the asylum?" ** you can tell by his eyes." 
"Xo, how?" Mai-y (indignantly) — ^"He is not, he's a Con- 

"Ring dumb-bells." gregationalist!" 



8 



-THE SQUIB- 



OH, would I an amoeba were, 
Then I'd divide some day 
And half of me would come to school 
The other half would play! 



H 



EARD after Blue Cards came out: 

She failed in shorthand, 
Flunked in "Ec." 
We heard her softly hiss, 
I'd like to find the man who said 
That ignorance is bliss ! 



PIRST proud parent: My daughter is very 
* literary; she writes for money and pays all 
her college expenses with it. 

Second likewise: So does mine — in every letter! 



BIOLOGY INSTRUCTOR— What is the only 
efficient disinfection in case of contagious 
illness ? 

Brilliant Junior — Disinfect the elbow of the 
patient ! 



COOKING Instructor — Name three things con- 
taining starch. 
Student — Two collars and a cuff! 

IN Physics — AVliat happens to Brooklyn Bridge 
in winter? 
Wise Freshie — It contracts and pulls Brooklyn 
nearer New York! 

IN History — What holds the German states 
together.'' 
Answer — Their diet! 



FAVORITES IN MUSIC AND POETRY 

CHEMISTRY STUDENTS— Break, Break, 
Break! 

Biology Students — Oh, where, Oh Where has 
my little dog gone.'' 

Cooking Students — Anything by Browning or 
Burns. 

History Students — (during map quizz) Some- 
where. 

Flunkers — Melody in E Flat. 

Entire College — -Absent. 



' r- 



n^ 



FLElCtlMANS 




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<5CILrHTlFlC<ALLY l^\StD - (ThlSimmonsWay) 



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9 O* — MoD'^IEBE-ATlfn 
- DLAO B COL- 



^CItnTlFICV\LLY I^ISED - [Tm ^(.oitViA^ 



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TO KATY 

SHE'S like a summer's day at midnight, 
Sweet like the early cauliflower; — 
She's fresh as salt-marsh fields at night, 
AVhere the pink buttercup blows: 
She's short and fat this chubby lass 
Beyond the greatest Bunny; 
But, still 'tis sad I am to say 
The lemon is so funny. 

But, oh her swift and icy eyes, 

Her haughty, prudish wiles: 

I love the colleen's heavy sighs; 

I love the colleen's smiles, 

So, I'll not pine; the chance have I: 

Her beauty's mine to see 

For if the lemon had a heart 

Sure, 'Twould not be for me. 




10 



A College girl's Campus as seen by 

Our Artist 

Menolikethegirls. 



THE SQUIB 



CALLING ON SUNDAY 

SCAN out title. It does not imply an at- 
tempted interview with the famous revival- 
ist, nor a treatise on the proper way to attract 
attention vocally on the "day of rest." 

Our idea is a description of the only reliable 
non-" break "able formula to follow when acting 
as a volunteer ornament to some young feminine 
dormitory. 

Get to the colony of "mushrooms" by any 
approved route, but appear as if you had just 
ordered the chauffeur NOT to wait. Approach 
the hall with the nougatines or the violets care- 
lessly brought with the left hand. Keep the 
right hand free. This is important. 

Make the customary electrical connection and 
a girl, not the girl will confront you suddenly 
or thereafter. (Do not lose your grip on the 
tribute just yet.) Answer the appearance of the 
intermediary sprite by the password. Miss de 
Mena, or whoever you left your happy dorm 
for. Remember that the willing relayer of the 
glad tidings is NOT subject to a tip. Accept 
her welcome signal to enter. 

While waiting for your friend's soft step on the 
stair, you run through your last English lecture 
or some other triviality to keep cool. 

SHE'S COMING! Don't feint. Just draw 
yourself up to your full height (like Scotty did), 
and extend your disengaged right in her general 
direction. Counter with the left thus delivering 
the token. Fold up her profuse gratitude in 
your gloves, and permit her to stow your loose 
possessions (keep your head now). 

Do not rub your palmolive-perfumed-palms to- 
gether as if about to engage in strenuous exercise. 
The best seniors are not doing it now. They 
haven't time, they start i-ight in on some interest- 
ing topic as "The Imperceptible Movements of 
the Earth's crust," or "The development of a 
Pot Culture of Corned Beef and Cabbage." 
Here you impress her with your intense individ- 
ualism and cosmic strength of character. 

Then review the legislation of the College 
Senate for the past week, emphasizing those 
points which will be of germane interest to her. 
For example tell her about throwing PEP in the 
pond and the irrigation of Alumni Field. 

Next inquire fervidly into the results of the 
inter-class panuchi contest. This will be a hint 
to her to chafe some do-nuts for you, thus afford- 
ing you an opportunity to light the match for 
her_and othei-wise demonstrate your cultured 
ways. Talk seriously on everything but the 
Davenport in which you may become immersed. 



Weigh your words in your heart and word your 
way to hers. Show her your Social Union pass 
and elucidate its intrinsic value. Pretend a 
defect in auditory ability and sit less farther 
away to solve this important rural problem. 

Display a photo of yourself on a hike, discuss the 
otiose value of short jjedestrian meanders and 
suggest a local topographical elevation as the 
climax. . . . But by this time your time has 
expired, if not your originality in sparkling 
conversation. 

Part with a clean-cut expression of mutual 
felicity, forget to take the volume of "Corn- 
field's Poims," and depart with a smile which 
may be carried over in the next call. Protect 
your retreat by a wave of the hand. Then a 
wave of REMORSE inundates your consanguine 
exuberance . . . What about the girl at home.' 

MORAL — To every Call there is an equal 
and opposite Call-down. BUT . . . 




M 



HOLDING THE STAKES 

.\RIAN — "I'll bet you don't know how to 
hold any one in your lap." 
Lewis— "I'll take you up on that." 



A HIGHLY COLORED ARTICLE 

A RE the books in the library red because the 
*^ librarian is Green? Billy's black and 
tangent dog blue into the library and knocked 
down a pile of books that the librarian had 
just oranged. The librarian gave the purple 
and the dog let out a yellow pain, which dis- 
turbed a student of Raggie Fakonomics who 
was marooned in the library for the night. We 
admit that there is not a very good tinge to this 
article but if we were in the pink ofcondition we 
would have done it up brown. 

11 



THE SQUIB- 




LOVE 



UNKNOWN EPIDEMIC RAISES HAVOC 
WITH THE STUDENTS AT M. A. C. 

Watch Your Step 

THERE has come to the attention of Squihhy 
since the first of the year an unusual number 
of cases of a disease which in some cases is or 
has been much dreaded, and in others has been 
welcomed with open arms. Some dodge it per- 
sistently and others openly court infection. We 
turned the matter over to the nurses at the 
infirmary, but they threw up their hands in 
horror and declared that they would have nothing 
to do with the matter as they considered this 
disease so nearly incurable that there is no fun 
experimenting with it. 

We find that the only relief of this sickness is 
death with but one other alternative and even 
that is doubtful. As we mentioned above some 
evade it, others put themselves out to get it. 
The germ is in its most active stages during the 
summer-time, due perhaps to the favorable 
weather conditions. The Microbiology Club has 
been investigating this plague and has discovered 
that the symptoms of this disease manifest them- 
selves immediately, and in some cases develop 
very slowly. Often the victim does not discover 
til at he has succumtied to this malady until he 
has been away for some time from the place and 
the people with whom he associated at the 
time of the infection. These are really the most 
piteous cases, as it is apt to be a great shock to 
the patient when he finds out what a predicament 
he is in and is invariably absolutely helpless. 

12 



As the Medical men have refused aid in this 
matter, we feel that it is our duty to explain some 
of the symptoms and a possible cure. One of 
the most notable symptoms is palpitation of 
the heart. At times the action of the heart is 
increased to as much as two hundred beats a 
minute, and then again at times will stand per- 
fectly still. Another symptom is forgetfulness. 
Your thoughts ai-e inclined to wander from the 
task at hand and a vacant dreamy look comes 
to your eyes. Sometimes a great literary instinct 
is born and you write page after page of mar- 
velous fiction, only to condemn them to the 
waste basket, as your pen refuses to convert into 
words the thoughts which your brain creates. 
Often insomnia is a prominent feature. You 
toss around in agony for a few hours before you 
finally drop off in slumber which is filled with 
dreams of times to come. It is also quite an 
expensive proposition to be infected. Your al- 
lowances are always insufficient to cover the 
expenses of this disease. Naturally some one 
must reap a harvest because of this epidemic, 
so we fi,nd the florist, the confectioner, and we 
might say, any person who is in a position to 
bring about the most severe cases, becoming 
millionaires. 

The name of this disease is simple — ^L-O-V-E. 
The only cure as far as we have been able to 
ascertain is death. You can die in two ways — 
the natural way — or get married. 



FUSSER'S FOIBLES 

Scene — Cuddling closely in the back row of 
the movies. 

He — The lights will be out in a minute. 

Scene — Sofa in reception room, parties at 
extreme ends. 

He — We have been friends for two years. 

Scene — ^Panting after he has stopped for 
breath, at the edge of Paradise. 

She — You have ceased to love me. 

Scene — -Wiping face with freshly tinted hand- 
kerchief, at an informal. 

He — -Things ai-e seldom what they seem. 

Scene — -Sudden and effusive affection Wed- 
nesday night. 

She — Is there an informal coming Saturday.'' 

Scene — Standing dejectedly and dry mouthed 
on the porch. 

She — -Have you left anything.? 



-THE SQUIB 



{From Our Co-Eds) 

CAMPUS CO-EDS 

THE campus was shrouded in darkness, 
A gloom settled over each man, 
The horror-struck faculty waited. 
On the campus a news-bringer ran. 
And what do you think was the meaning 
Of all this excitement and grief? 
Ah, well it was just a new comer — 
But — she was a gii-1 — to be brief. 

Excitement subsided but slowly 

For next year another one came 

There must not be co-eds at Aggie! 

But then, Sir, just who was to blame? 

They come, and each year brings some new ones 

And now 1919 boasts nine. 

And some day we hope they will be saying 

Why — 50 — my, but that's fine. 

x\nd now, there's commotion on campus 
At first p'raps they couldn't do much. 
But now they are only just waiting 
To pop up and show there's none-such! 
'Twas their clothes acting parts in the Prom show. 
Though the Co-eds in wonder looked on 
And hoped that some day good Fortune 
Would give them a chance to perform. 

My fancy has painted the Co-eds; 

In line down the campus they filed. 

Each carries a sign with inscription 

(They're not suffragists, don't get riled). 

The first sign says "Co-eds of "19" 

Will enforce Freshmen rules this next year"; 

The second, "Co-eds in Dramatics? 

We'll get there sometime, never fear." 

A sign down the line somewhat further 

Suggests to the men of "A" 

That one twentieth of their number 

In class meetings are seen. 

But what of this fanciful picture? 

Do you suppose it will ever come true, 

That|Co-eds be a part of the college 

And "shine" by the things that they do? 



ALSO HEARD AT THE HASH HOUSE 
AITER — Do you want your eggs well done? 
Coed — No, rare, please. 



w 



MISS SAU SAGE'S ADVICE TO LOVELORN 

Dear Miss Sau Sage, 

I am a young college man and to say the least 
am considered very good looking on some days 
especially on Wednesdays since I am recjuired to 
drink three glasses of milk on that day. But I 
have one great detriment which has caused me a 
great deal of embarrassment, namely, that I have 
a twitching eye, which I probably acquired in 
New York while gazing at the fairer sex as they 
boarded the street cars. A few days ago I paid 
a visit to a young college girl, and while sitting 
in the reception room this eye of mine wouldn't 
behave. It winked at the other girls present 
and it even had the audacity to wink at the 
matron. Naturally that was my first and 
probably last visit. What I want to knoM^ is — 
how can I overcome this habit? 

Twitchingly yours 

I. Winker. 

Dear Mr. I. Winker, 

Without a doubt you are in a serious predica- 
ment and true enough I find it very difficult to 
answer your request. Of course you could use 
an eye shade, but as you say that you are good 
looking on Wednesdays especially, it would be 
foolish to wear this shade on any other day as it 
would detract so much the more from your beauty. 
I have heard said that a piece of bacon kept in 
close proximity to your eye would cause a pig 
stye which essentially would weaken your eye 
string, thus preventing your eye from twitching 
and causing you to twitter. This would not 
be very economical as bacon at the present time 
is very dear. You might try keeping your eyes 
closed but this would probably cause you a lot 
of trouble, especially when calling on your 
college girl friend, you might put your arms 
around another fellow's girl. I trust that you 
may gather something useful from my answer. 
Twittering yours, 

Miss Sau Sage. 



AMHERST? 

Bystander — Where are you going? 

Fire Dept. — There's a fire down in South 
Amherst. 

Bystander — But there's another fire in North 
Amherst. 

Fire Dept. — Keep it going, I'll be right back. 



13 



-THE SQUIB- 



(FROM THE SMITH GIRL) 

A SMITH GIRL'S DIARY 

Motidaij — Went down-town this morning. Got 
a new suit of silk iinder-unmentionables. Had a 
chocolate fudge. I lost a glove. Edith's man 
called last night and dropped a card-case on 
the floor. I have to do Psyche tomorrow. 

Tuesday — Edith's John called again last night. 
I think I should like him. Paul called me up 
this afternoon, the boob, but I said I was busy. 
I walked by the parlor three times with the card- 
case, but Edie wouldn't present me. Had a 
bracelet on, too. 

Wednesday — I saw John down-town this after- 
noon. I walked up and told him I had his card- 
case. Gee! I didn't know I had such nerve. 
I have to study Bible tonight. Darn it all! 

Thursday — Oh, Gee. John called up today and 
asked me if he could come over for his case 
tomorrow night. Gee, Won't Edie be sore. I 
don't care. I guess I'll show him "Paradise." 
Flunked a German quiz today. I hope John 
isn't German, but Piatt does not sound like a 
German name. 

Friday — Gosh, Edie was sore when I walked 
out with her man tonight. He is a peach. I 
just adore grey eyes. He uses Djer Kiss and 
smokes Milos. They made me cough. I found 
a dandy new place tonight. He is coming 
tomorrow night. 

Saturday — Darn it. I flunked another quiz 
today. John and I found another new place 
tonight. I adore Page and Shaw's. I hope 
that fool maid didn't see nie come in the window. 
He lis going to take me to the Kimball some 
afternoon. He plays baseball. I guess I'll get 
a rule book; I wonder what you ask for though. 

Sunday — John had to make his Sunday call 
on Edith tonight. She glared at me when he 
came, but I went right down and gave him his 
card case. She was wild. She dragged him out 
for a walk. I think they fought all evening, 
because she was positively boorish when she 
returned. I don't care, because he is going to 
Glee Club with me. Ruth Shelton had a corking 
man tonight, I wonder what his name is. 
Etc., etc., etc., 

CURSORY REMARKS HEARD ABOUT 
THE CAMPUS 

(On thinking it over, we think it best not to 
repeat them.) 

14 



(FROM THE MT. HOLYOKE GIRL) 

THE MT. HOLYOKE GIRL'S DIARY 

Monday — Vespers were wonderful last night. 
I do wish I could get Oscar to come over some 
afternoon and go with me. I do know he would 
enjoy them. Phoebe's man came up from New 
York day before yesterday and they had supper 
in the Jap room after Vespers. We are wild to 
know when she is going to announce it. 

Tuesday — "Mac" stuck me in an Ec. recitation 
this morning. That little fool of a sophomore 
who lives off campus laughed and gave me away. 
If I should tell where I saw her last Wednesday 
night, I guess she would mind her own business. 

W ednesday — Spent five hours in the Libe today. 
Weather beautiful. 

Thursday — ^Spent four hours in the Libe doing 
Bible, Ec, and Psyche. Mildred had a freshman 
over from Amherst tonight. She says she knew 
him at home. I would hate to acknowledge it 
if I were she. 

Friday — I hoped Oscar would call up this 
afternoon, but nothing doing. I wonder who 
he is going to see now.' Four of us had tea at 
the "House" at five. Mary has a copy of 
"Snappy" which she has promised me for 
tomorrow night. 

Saturday — -That boob Oscar called up this 
afternoon and I had to give up "Snappy" for 
him. We talked about studies and himself. I 
wish I could get Bill to come over again. I 
would go up on Prospect with him if he would, 
now. Helen has the pink-eye. Four fellows 
from the house where her man lives, have gone 
home with it in the last two weeks. I wonder 
why.? 




WHEN A MAN NEEDS A WIFE 
Girls take heed 



-THE SQUIB- 



FROM THE DIARY OF A COLLEGE GIRL 

Wednesday : 

I wondei' if Jack is going to take me to the 
next informal. I think I love him, although not 
so much as Percy, back home. I wonder if Perc. 
is going around with that horrid Miss Phoolish, 
while I am up here at college. I wonder if Jack 
has a girl at home, I don't think he has because 
he never told me anything about her, and he 
always tells me everything. 
Thursday : 

Jack telephoned over today and asked me if 
I could go to the informal with him. He is 
such a dear, I think that I love him more than 
Perc. We had a darned old fire drill today, 
they are such a nuisance I would rather burn. 
If there were a fire here and Percy and Jack 
were here I'll bet a powder puff that they would 
save me. Oh I just dote on being saved. Last 
summer at the beach all the boys knew me because 
I was saved the first day I got there. 
Friday — 

The informal comes tomorrow and I am so 
nervous I could stamp my foot. Lillian's pumps 
are a little small but I guess that I can stand 
that all right, and Ruth's bracelet looks simply 
great on my arm, and Grace's coat will look 
fine. I am going to bed now and have a nice long 
sleep for Jack will be over tomorrow afternoon. 
I think I love Jack every bit as much as Percy. 
Saturday : 

I had a wonderful time at the informal. Jack 
is so graceful and nice when he dances, he reminds 
me of Vernon Castle only he is not so silly looking. 
I wish I knew what he says to the other girls when 
he is dancing with them. They don't let those 
horrid town boys with those brown army shirts 



up in the balcony any more now. I am glad, 
because the Aggie boys can sit up there now. 
They are much better looking than those old 
town boys and I winked at one today when Jack 
wasn't looking. Oh I wish I knew whom I 
loved more Percy or Jack. I think that I will 
write to Beatrice Hairflax and ask her about it. 
Jack told me that he was going to Dicky Rahars 
before he goes home tonight, to see a friend. I 
hope that he doesn't stay too long because some 
one told me that they served raspberry sundaes 
over there, and Jack might like them so much that 
he would miss the last car. 



FADS AND F 

"Sleeves ai-e 
Fine, I say, 
sense style has 
keep our cuffs 
summer time, 
boys, and have 
the elbow. A 
might be added 



ASHIONS AS SEEN IN THE 
BOSTON POST 

short, above the elbow, 
splendid. At last a common- 
been wished on us which will 
from wilting in the good old 

Take your suits to the tailor, 
your sleeves cut off well above 

pretty frill of Georgette Crepe 

to finish the edge. 



"Kid trimmings will be used on the spring 
suits. 

We suppose any little kid picked up on the 
street will be all right to decorate your suit 
with. 



"Very high sti'aight, wrinkled collai-s appear 
on the spring suit." 

Somehow it doesn't appeal to me to buy a 
suit the collar of Mdiich is already wrinkled for 
I generally manage to wrinkle it too often anyway. 




15 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's Boot Shop 

211 MAIN STREET 
The Spring Styles are here 

NORTHAMPTON, - MASS. 



Phelps & Gare 

112 Main Street 
Northampton, Mass. 

"Massachusetts Men" welcome to 
look over our stock at any time. 



All the new Spring Styles are here 

Ask to see the new 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx models 

Sanderson and 
Thompson Jk 



"Ye Aggie Inn" 

"Everything is so Tasty ' 



Student Supplies of all kinds in our store 



Ingersol Watches 
in Celluloid Cases $1.00 



Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park & Tilford, MaiUards, 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 
satisfactory will be replaced ol 
money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



FOR MARRIED WOMEN 

Ten Commandments for Wives 
Bij Mrs. Sheffield 

I. Thou shalt not nag. 

II. Thou shalt keep thy temper to 
thyself. 

III. Thou shalt not bore thy 
husband: 

IV. Remember that thou keep 
unholy his many socks. Six days 
shalt thou frivol and do all the 
things thou lovest to do, but on the 
s e V e n t h — think ! Remember his 
linen, to see that it is spotless. 
Provide thou the extra stud for the 
emergency that will come, and 
watch lest the suit that hath been 
pressed is not returned to its accus- 
tomed nail, as it will be the one he 
asketh for. 

V. Honor thy husband and let 
him do exactly as he pleaseth, that 
thy praise may be long in the land 
which the Lord thy God hath giveth 
thee. 

VI. Thou shalt not ask him any 
ciuestions, neither in the morning 
nor at the noonday hour, nor at 
night, for whatsoever a man wanteth 
thee to know that will he tell thee 
unsolicited, and a question mark is 
a book that catcheth who knows 
what. 

VII. Thou shalt not complain. 
Verily a complaining woman is 
worse than a shoe that pincheth. 

VIII. Thou shalt not steel thy 
heart against his hobbies. 

IX. Thou shalt obey him — some- 
times. Uncertainty hath charms 
when minds are masculine. 

X. Thou shalt be fresh and sweet 
and dainty as a shower bouquet, for 
lingerie is more to l)e desired than 
rubies, and a good cook above (jov- 
ernmcnt bonds. 



YES- 

THIS IS SPRING 

April, regardless of the 
weather outside, is spring in this 
store. 

Blooming now are all the newest 
styles for young men. 

Suits in colors and designs that 
sparkle with newness. 
Northampton Agents For Society 
Brand Clothes For Young Men 

MERRIT CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 



Lowest price in Town 

Theme or Practice Paper 

Ruled or Unruled Punched 

500 Sheets, 70 Cents 

LATHAM ' 1 7 MERRILL ' 1 7 



R. F. Armstrong & Son 

H Headquarters for the latest in 
College Men's wear and at reas- 
onable prices. We make a 
specialty of Young Men's 
Clothes and Furnishings at 
prices that are right. 

Come and look, our lines over 
80 Main bt., Northampton, Mass. 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 

The Best Place To Dine 

GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

50 Cent Luncheon from II .30 to 2 P. M. 
Special Dishes at All Hours 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



MEN WHO ADVERTISERS HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU 



if- 

Kolbgp 2Catibij KttrliPti 

Up makp (§ur ®mn lKaniJtP0 
iFrrstt fcurru Say 

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I^OHtr Srlturrij a i'prrialtij 
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Thanks to the Commons Club 

From 

YE ROSE TREE INN 

Northampton, Mass. 



The Home of 
"The Daintest Dinner in New England" 



Woodward's Lunch 

27 Main Street, Masonic Block 



LUNCHES— SODA— ICE CREAM 



Closed only from I a. m. to 4 a. m. 



F. W. WOODWARD, Prop. 



College Shoes 



Modern Repair Department 



ON TRIOLETS 

A triolet is hard to write — 

But not when one is clever. 
As is a wicked deed of spite, 
A triolet is hard to right, 

And poets who are not over-bright 
Will they attempt it? — Never!* 
A triolet is hard to write — 

But not when one is clever. 

*Well, hardly ever! 

— Jester. 

A REAL COMEBACK 

Ma — David! you know you are 
not to play with your soldiers on 
the Sababth. 

Col. David — But I'm playing that 
this is the Salvation Army. 

— Judge. 
SOME BLUFF 
The Ever-cheerful One (to him 
who staggers beneath heavy basket) 
— Quite a load you've got there, eh, 
mv good man? 

'My Good Man (wrathfully)— 
Load, hell! It's the icy pavement 
makes me walk this way. 

— J ack-CV Laniern . 
DEEP STUFF 
He — I wonder why these girls 
wear such short skirts now days. 
She — Oh, for two reasons! 

— Cornell Widow. 
Dolly — And you tell me that you 
have graduated from the school of 
experience? 

Cholly— Ah yes. _ 
Dolly — I'll bet it was a night 
school. 

— Tiger. 
ACTIONS SPEAK 
Bertha Mae — So you told Paul 
of your love? 

Sister Clara — Well — a — not just 
exactly that — we just went through 
the motions. 

— Awqican. 
TOO TRUE 
"What makes the crowd gather 
so over there?" 

"Oh, vulgar curiosity, I suppose. 
Let's go over." 

— Lampoon. 



Transcript Photo 
Engraving Company 

North Adams, Mass. 



>>«? 
.*^ 



Engravers of Merit 

We solicit work in College Publications 
GET OUR RATES 



A word to the wise is sufficient 



See BARLOW 



Over the 
SAVINGS BANK 



Some people live to eat. Others eat to live 

Boyden's Restaurant 

SERVES ALL 

Delicious Dishes Best of Service 

Catering 

Facilities for College Banquets 

196 Main St., Northampton 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



Shoes that Look Well 
and Fit Well 

E. ALBERTS 

241 Main Street 

opp. Clarke Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE HARDING, '19, Agent 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

^he JeWel 

Store 



Also 
THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

Telephone 1307-M 



Compliments of 

A. J. GALLUP, INC 

We sell 

Hart Schaffner & Marx 
Clothes 



293-297 High St. 



Holyoke, Mass. 



Our Food Has That Tasty Taste 
Which Reminds You of Home 



North End Lunch 



On the Left as You Enter 
the Campus 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 

aSBBBB 

The Happy Hunting Grounds 
for Ye Aggie Men 

BBSlSllllI 

MEALS SERVED AT ALL 
HOURS 



WHICH? 

"What's that.? They don't pay 
day- wages in Ford's factory?" 

"No sah? Even Ford himself is 
doing peace work." 

— Pelican. 



At registration — Where were you 
born ? 

Mai den — Nebr ask a . 
Clerk— What part? 
Maiden — All of nie, of course. 
— Awgwan. 



She — Oh dear, do you know Jas- 
mine got the cutest little table for 
her birthday, all you have to do is 
press a lever and it changes into a 
desk. 

He — That's nothing, all I had to 
do was to press the steering wheel 
on my auto and it turned into a 
telephone post. 

— The Widow. 



Rummy — Say, but I gotta swell 
job this summer. Easy work. 

Roomy — I bite, what is it? 

Rummy — Workin' in a bolt fac- 
tory doin' 'nuttin.' 

— The Widow. 



SOME DISTINCTION 

Proud Mother of Freshman — 
My son, why do all the young men 
wear soft shirts? 

Freshman (hesitating) — Why, 
mother, I really am not sure, but 
I think it's to distinguish them from 
the assistant professors. 

— Yale Record. 



? ? ? 

He — May I spend this evening 
with you? 

Sli( — And what else? 

— J ack-o^ -Lantern. 



It is better to 
have your 

H^ rtnttng 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printino— IRuUng— BinMna 

North Adams, Mass. 



Wholesome old fashion food served 

in the most modern 

manner at the 

COLONIAL INN 

At the entrance to the campus 



MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETIHNG TO SHOW 



Learn Trapshooting 

A Sport for School, College and After Years 

To give lasting satisfaction, the sport you go out for in college, should he one that can lie 
pursued as a recreation in offer years — when j'our time and opportunity for exercise is limited. 

Unlike most school and college sports, trapshooting provides a rational, all-round development 
a,iid lra,ining, which can he kept up afier college days are over 



Write for new booklet "Trapshooting At School and 
College" to which many college men have contributed. 
It contains a chapter "How to Organize and Conduct 
A College Trapshooting Club." For your copy address 



E. I. DU PONT DE NEMOURS & COMPANY 

WILMINGTON, DELAWARE ESTABLISHED 1802 



ME AN Y'S 

Fashion Park Clothes 

Tailored for MEN who practice economy but still want to dress to perfection. 
Ask to see the "SPATTER" — its the smartest coat for rainy days. 

MEANY'S 

Good Clothes Good Hats 

245 High St. HOLYOKE, MASS. 

m^g^^ MARBLE HALL HOTEL 

"When in Holyoke, Mass." 

HOME COOKING AT MODERATE PRICES 

GRILL ON FIRST FLOOR DINING ROOM— SECOND FLOOR 



E. M. Curran, Prop. 



givp: these merchants a chance 




Gordon 



The college man's shirt. Well made of 
fine white Oxford. Cut on patterns that 
assure perfectly comfortable fit. It is an 

ARROW SHIRT 



c^a 



CLUETT, PEABODY & CO., Inc., MaAm 0/ A R ROW C O L L A RS, T R O Y, N. Y. 



\ 
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O^NORT H AMPTON^ Jp^/y yy^Oy^ £#? A Tl t\ ^'^ASSACHUSETTS:^? 

A High-Class Hotel ^ Especially suited to the 

desirably located for ^^W, requirements of tourists on 

College ipalrOnaGC i| account of its pleasant location 

American and European Plans Special Attention to Banquets 

RAYSEUS m=mc=m ^he College Man's Shop 

*^'*^ * l^ «■—'&-* ^^ 179 Main St. Northampton 

^ Clothes, Furnishings, e^ 
«^ Shoes, Hats ^ 

It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the 

. .1 • • . Visit us for Distinctive Apparel 

correct thing in young men s wear. ^^ 



PROMPT ACTION IS URGENT 



''The man who wants life insurance must buy it before he needs it." 

Records sho.v that one applicant in nine is rejected. Many of these would have been accepted if they had 
applied sooner. 

Seniors, you are about to beg'n your careers. You are now probably better physically fit than you ever 
will be. Take advantage of this fact, insure at once 

Insurance is a good investment — it is not taxed — it earns compound interest — it is absolutely safe. 

Insurance promotes success — it fosters good habits — it increases accumulations — it increases credit. 

If you have borrowed money, you may feel safe if something should happen to you. Your debt is secured. 



Seniors, you can endow your college with a substantial sum with a very low cost per man. 
We ha\-e fitted out several colleges in the East and West. 

Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Co, 

RICHARDS & ALLIS, Managers ROBERT P. WITHINGTON, Representative 

Springfield, Mass. 

CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



DRAPER HOTEL 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

WE SOLICIT THE M. A. C. PATRONAGE 

First Class Banquet Facilities 

WM. M. KIMBALL, Prop. 



KOLLEGE KANDY KITCHEN 

Delicious Home Made Ice Cream Made Only From Pure Cream 

WHEN AT AGGIE GET YOUR ICE CREAM AT 



When "Up Town" Call At Our Store 



AGGIE INN 



Opposite Town Hall 




52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



School and College 



** KbbotoQrapbers ** 









Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
New York City 



The freshmen class was raw and green. 
Says Lampshade, "What does dogma mean?" 
A bright guy stuck his right hand up — 
"It means a dog that has a pup." 

— J ack-o-Lantern, 



The size of her hand you can judge by her glove, 

For that there is needed no art; 
But you never can judge of the depth of the love 

Of a girl by the sighs of her heart. 

—Froth. 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. 



F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres. 



Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier. 



First National Bank 



Northampton 



Do Your Banking Business with Us. 



Deposits Received by Mail will 
be Promptly Acknowledged 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOAED AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Thomas S. Childs 

(Incorporated) 

275 HIGH ST., HOLYOKE 



Footwear of Quality 
and Fashion 

At Reasonable Prices 

$3.00 to $7.00 

With Hosiery to Match 
At 25c to $1.00 



Excellent 

Dining Car 

Service 




Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 



Best Trains West 



The Largest Assortment in Western 
Massachusetts 



12.45 p. m. 
2.55 p. m. " 

4.37 p. m. 

7.25 p. m. - 

10.28 p. m. 

Stop-over 



Leave Springfield 

-For Buffalo, Toledo, Elkhart, South Bend and 
Chicago. 

-20th Century Limited. Arrives Pittsburg 
7.15 a. m., Chicago 9.45 next morning. 

-For Cleveland, Columbus, Dayton, Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis, St. Louis, Detroit and Chicago. 

-For Buffalo, St. Thomas, Detroit, Jackson, 
Saginaw, Bay City, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo] 
Cleveland and Chicago. 

-For Syracuse, Buffalo and New York State 

points. 
at Niagara Falls — no extra charge 



Boston & Albany R. R. 



(N. Y. C. R. R. Co., Les 



Information 

Concerning Tickets 

will be gladly 

furnished 



NEWYORK' 

[(JNTRALl 

^,. LINES J 



upon request to 
James Gray, D. P. A. 
119 Worthington St., 
Springfield, Mass. 



Nnttflturk %\x\t\ 

folunkr 




^ancinq 

Supper Dances every Wednesday Evening from 
8:30 to 11:30 in the Ball Room. 

Tea Dances Saturday Afternoons from 3:30 to 
6 P.M. 

SUNDAY TABLE D'HOTE DINNER $1.25 

Served from 6:30 to 8:30 (with music) 

GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager 




Caps and Gowns 

Makers to 

Massachusetts Agricultural, Amherst, Brown, Yale 
and many others 

Faculty Gowns and Hoods 

Purple, Choir and Judical Robes 

Cox Sons & Vining 

72 Madison Ave., New York 



MENTION THE SQUIB 




Spring is here 
And brings good cheer, 
Air is balmy and subline 
With that raggy ragtime. 



Business Manager 
A. E. LINDOUIST '16 




Circulating Manager 
D. M. LIPSHIRES '18 

Assistants 

A. BOOTH '17 

A. J. WING '19 



15 CENTS A COPY 



All contributions should be addressed to the Editor-in-Chief . They will be given credit 
in the annual elections to the board. Business communications should he addressed to the 
Business Manager. 



Entry as Second Class Mail Matter pending 



No. 8 



N consequence of the numerous sounds of external nature, 
as the warbling of the birds, the whistling of the wind, the 
buzzing or calls of insects, the yodling of the students, the 
cries of beasts puncturing Squibby's ear drums he is filled 
with indefinable yearnings. All these hilarious sounds 
suggests to him that syncopated music known as ragtime. 
Moreover the appearance of the second hand clothing 
dealer who says "I'll give you a quarter for your winter 
suit" brings ragtime to his mind. But let us see how 
ragtime originated. 

Song as Squibby understands it, is primarily a form of 
speech, and is derived from some attempt to work ofl' 
surplus energy. A person usually works off this super- 
fluity when he is feeling happy and always at the most inopportune time. We find this partic- 
ularly true with Mr. Newlywed's baby who sings in the wee hours of the morning. Music also 
stimulates emotional excitement and helps to maintain muscular and nervous energy. Of course ragtime 
fir.st began in Adam's time, for it was his duty to play "In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree" 
on his Syrin, to Eve "At the End of a Perfect Day." Later on in the ages we trace the rhythmic 
motions of the music with some recurrent noise, like handclapping, which prevailed among the 
negroes. Moreover, we find the rhythm of singing tends to induce bodily motions and thus 
inevitably brings dancing and song to-gether. Mr. Newlywed is again on the job and we see him 
dancing to the midnight song of their only child. Thus we have obtained one of the essentials of 
life RACrriME, how could we do without it? 



-THE SQUIB- 



\HE question that has long been of importance on college campuses 
is one concerning the attitude that should be maintained between 
the students and professors especially when they meet on the street 
and Squibby will now endeavor to shed a little light on the subject. 
Time was when the seekers after knowledge thought nothing of shy- 
ing several snowballs at some old, absent-minded professor as he 
strolled down the wintry street trying to puzzle out a way to define 
the fourth dimension but those times are no more. Now-a-days 
the words that we hear emphasized are "Noblesse oblige" and 
Squibby is heartily in favor of the sentiment expressed although he 
may not know their literal translation. He believes that all profes- 
sors, no matter how insignificant, should be treated "with as much 
dignity as they can command, which, however, varies somewhat 
with the individual. Of course a new instructor on a college campus 
must expect to be greeted with such salutations as ,"Hi, old boy," 
until he has established his identity because some of them don't look so very much different from 
other people after all. Therefore it is with the utmost conviction that Squibby endorses this movement 
and hopes that the time will soon come when all professors will be so far removed from ordinary 
people that they will be treated with as much awe and dignity as kings and emperors. 







-THE SQUIB 



HOW RAGTIME WAS CHRISTENED 

OF course you all know the difference between 
Ragtime and Classical music. If you ex- 
press a liking for Classical music you are educated, 
and if you tell people you are crazy about ragtime, 
you are ignorant. 

Now, once upon a time, as all good stories be- 
gin, there was a great composer. Of course the 
great composers were all once upon a time. Well, 
not to depart from the serious subject under dis- 
cussion, this great composer was a great personal 
friend of mine, so I wont mention his name, for 
I don't want him to turn in his grave. I'll just 
call him Padherhindski for short — or for long if 
you want. I don't care how long you call him 
that. My friend P. was the best writer of Classical 
music. In fact, his classical music had so much 
class to it that the classy people had all they could 
do to master one of his pieces in a j'ear, more or 
less, depending on how classy the people were. 
Consequentiously, the sale of these pieces dimin- 
ished gradually until there was nothing left to 
diminish, for people found they had laid in a 
st'ock sufHcient to supply their musical appetites 
for generations and generations. But the pro- 
ceeds, financially, from the sale of this classical 
music was not even sufficient for the present gen- 
eration. 

M He was finally reduced to utter poverty and was 
at the point of departing from this cold and cruel 
world (it was in the winter time). He said he 
would write his own requim, but he was so weak 
from fasting that he could only work spasmodi- 
cally so some notes were made longer than others 
and the time was jerky and uneven. When he 
had it completed he asked a number of friends to 
come and hear it. It proved to be such an original 
and unusual piece of music that the people wel- 
comed it with open arms as a break in the monot- 
ony of the classy stuff. 

His requim sold so well that he pulled his foot 
out of the grave and is still writing what he called 
ragtime, for the music or noise, whichever you 
choose to call it was written during the most 
ragged time of his life. 




'SOMEBOBY KNOAVS" 



k S I was walking across the square 
* I met an Aggie Student 
"Where are you going," says he. 
"For a pie," says I. 
"For who?" says he. 
"For ma," says I. 

" ," says he. 

" ," says I, 

"I'll meet you bye and bye." 



SHE AND HE ARE OUT WALKING 

SHE — Who is that tramp that just tipped his 
hat as he passed us? 
He — That wasn't a real tramp my dear, just 
one of our (R) Aggie boys out for a tramp. 



5HUN — Say old man you certainly treat your 
stenographer fine. 
Sun — Why sJiouldn't I, I can dictate to her. 



POPULAR MUSIC 

•yilERE'S A Broken Heart for Every Light on 
^ Broadway 

When you Come to the End of a Perfect Day 
In Inky, Winky, Blinky Chinatown. 



WHAT AVON'T AVE DO FOR A SMOKE? 

STUDE — May I ask you for the next one step? 
Smith Girl — I promised it to Jack. 
Stude — Yes, I know, but he sold it to me for a 
"Making." 



-THE SQUIB 




"WHEN OLD BILL BAILEY PLAYED 
THE UKULELE" 



# 



# 



INTUITION 



FROSH — How did you get all this money? 
Bosh — Oh, intuition. 
Frosh — How's that? 

Bosh — The treasurer forgot to put it on my bill, 
so I'm in tuition. 



LOCAL COLOR 

MISTRESS (to colored maid) — "Mary do you 
know where the shoe-blacking brush is? 
Mary — "Yes mum, I done used it for a powder 
puff last night, and I forgot to put it back. 

# 

WILD BUT TAME 

FATHER — See here, son, I don't want to hear 
of you being around with that girl any more. 
She has the reputation of being rather wild. 

Son — She's not wild at all father, in fact I can 
get up quite close to her. 



K 



A SUMMARY 
INDLY old gent — Rastus, do you take your 
vacation in the winter time? 
Rastus — No sail. Ah summarizes. 



# 



# 



TIM — That guy has a mighty head on his 
shoulders. 
Jim — You're right he has, I saw one crawling 
on his 'neck. 



AMHERST MAIDENS 

TOBACCO in the silt doth grow, and onions ply 
their trade between 
The Aggie boys walk to and fro, and leave their 

sweat shirts on the green. 
"But who are those who stroll about, upon the 

sward so cool and damp?" 
"Why those the local maidens are, who drive the 
Aggie boys to Hamp." 

As to the P. 0. I did pass, to send the laundry to 

my home 
From East Street they came up en masse, and this 

idea came in my dome, 
"Why don't the college boys get wise?" I asked of 

one, "Why turn your back?" 
He said "We shun the goo-goo eyes, in Amherst 

by the C. V. track." 



ly/flSTRESS (To new maid) — How did these 
*»* horrible men get into this house? 

New Maid — "They filed in one by one, mum." 
Mistress — "Filed their way in! Good Heavens, 
burglars. 



GREEN — What are you going to major in? 
Greener — Veterinary Science. 
Green — Do you think you will like it? 
Greener — Yup, I've always liked to cut up 
more or less. 



-THE SQUIB- 




MANY OF THEM 

SHE has a lot of courage, hasn't she?" 
"Why not, she is betrothed to a man named 



Menysohns." 



# 



ADAPTABILITY 

HE had two legs, jnst skinny pegs, but they 
were useful in his biz 
For charity he begged around, with lumbago and 
rhelimatiz. 

# 

REGISTER surprise" said Mr. Movie Man; 
Register disgust and look unhappy as you 

can; 
Register delight; show joy in your eyes; 
Register anxiety before the hero dies." 
We are like the movie actors every single day, 
We register 'most anything that happens in the 

"play," 
We even think we mean it if it fits into our part, 
But there's blame few times we register the 

thing that's next our heart. 



# 



HASHER — I ordered pork chops, and I only 
got one. 
Waiter — That's funny, I gave it an extra chop 
before I came out. 




HOW TO COMPOSE RAGTIME 

IN order to write ragtime you must select some 
squeamish, startling title. Any of the follow- 
ing may be selected as they have been passed by 
the National Board of Matrons 

Let me be Your Little Wriggling Tapeworm. 

He Bought His Wife a Rolling Pin to Keep the 
Ice Man Away. 

He sat in the Parlor and Saw the Stove Poker 
in the ribs. 

Please Sell my Corpse for Fifty Cents and Give 
the Money to Dad. 

Mother has Hocked the Canary in Order to 
Buy a Ford. 

Father Has Turned on the Hot AVater to Give 
the Goldfish a Bath. 

After your good taste has determined which 
one of the above would be most likely to make 
you a millionaire, go to a bank or to the Bursar 
and obtain as many sixty day notes as possible. 
If you are fortunate you will get notes which are 
both high and low and some of them longer than 
others. Now use a little "horse sense" and by 
rubbing a rag over these notes you attain the 
proper rhythym of ragtime. Thus, you have the 
music but not the text of the song. 

In the first line say "Sweetheart, will'st thou be 
mine?" In the second line mention the fact that 
she is as beautiful as the clinging ivy vine. Be sure 
and use the word "Dear" in every other line and 
end the song with a kiss underneath the silvery 
moon. Thus your song is complete, now all you 
have to do is to publish it. 



JUDGE — -Aren't you ashamed of yourself for 
attacking a defenceless man? 
Prisoner — He wasn't defenceless your honor, he 
had two bills and a bad cent. 



THE SQUIB 



EASTER SUNDAY 




ALL THE BIRDS COULD SEE" 
HATS 



THE TRAIN HOME 

P'R'HAPS home ain't much but a coop, five 
by four; 
Not a motor in the garage; gloom sour 
Where there ought to be a sweetheart's gentle 
voice. 
P'r'haps home is even worse than that — no 
choice, 
But ain't it good to hit the train that's going 
home? 



P'r'haps you've hit a quizz where you wanted. 
Seen a 95 against your name undaunted 

On the books: p'r'haps had a flush in poker, 
A shining glass of — yes old toper. 

But ain't it good to hit the train that's going 
home? 
Everything's so friendly there and true, 
Seems as if the town said "Howdy-Do": 

P'r'haps there ain't no sweetheart every day, 
Pr'haps there ain't jollity, frivolity, say — 

But ain't it good to hit the train that's going 
home? 



'He 



TTRANSLATION GEM— "Plia la carte." 
^ Unprepared student faintly murmurs, ' 
pushed the cart." 

E. C. (writing a theme on "Crowds") — ^"And 
the people swarming from the place looked like 
so many hosts of ants — don't you think that 
makes a good climax, Mary?" 

M. T. — "Anticlimax, I should call it." 



Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

I have seen your valuable advise to college 
men and thought perhaps you might be able to 
help me out. 

There is a young man who has formed the habit 
of coming over to see me two or three times a 
week. Every time he comes he stays so late 
that the matron has to request him to leave. I 
never sing or play for him after nine o'clock, 
hoping that he will be bored enough to go, but 
it doesn't do any good. He is a vei-y hearty eater 
and always monopolizes the fudge dish. 

Kindly tell me what you think of this strange 
case. 

Your puzzled 

College Girl. 
Have you investigated this young man's 
financial standing? Perhaps he hasn't a steady 
lodging house and appreciates the opportunity 
of warming his feet at your expense. Your 
ever-ready plate of fudge probably enables him 
to save in his supper money the evenings he 
calls on you. No doubt he is looking for you 
to ask him to be a steady boarder. This is 
leap year you know. You say you never sing or 
play for him after nine o'clock. Probably he 
enjoys his visit more after you have stopped your 
entertainment and lingers to make up for the 
time spent in listening to you. He may think 
he has earned that privilege of prolonging his 
visit. Next time he comes, try the excuse of 
being out of cocoa and his hunger may drive 
him away before the dog cart closes. 




BROTHER TO THE GIRL WITH THE 
WRIGLEY EYES? 

"Don't be so i-estless," the teacher said, 
"I'm soiTy but can't help it mum," 

Sassed Willie, ducking his little head, 
'Cause I'm chewing Wrigley gum. 



-THE SQUIB 




RAG TIME MUSIC 

T\ AG time music is very useful, for without it we 
^ * could have no informals or proms, and then 
what would be the sense in going to college. 
Rushing season with no rag time would be like a 
gin rickey with the gin left out. Rag time is used 
by college men (after graduation) for putting the 
baby to sleep, one note usually sufficing to stun 
the child. It is a very easy matter to write a rag 
time song, the process being as follows : First take 
parts of Irving Berlin's latest hits and then make 
the rest up by whistling to yourself. Now you 
have the music all written. For the words, get a 
girl in your home town, preferably one whose 
name rhymes well, bid her farewell and take a 
trip of a couple of hundred miles or so to a lonely 
country village, or to New York with no money in 
your pocket, the effect in both cases being the 
same. Then start to brood over your troubles 
and wish yourself back with your sweetheart. As 
these thoughts go running thru your mind, rhyme 
them and put them on paper. To be sure of suc- 
cess always take some part of "Home Sweet 
Home." The publishers are now crawling over 
each other to get your song. Once it is published 
it will be sung in every motion picture house in 
the country and after every body has forgotten it, 
you will hear it at the Amherst Town Hall. 



BEANWORK 



NUT — Why don't you use your bean once in a 
while? 
Nutty — What's the use. You wouldn't know if 
I wa.s using it anyway. 



IODINE — Hasn't he got a rich voice.^ 
* f-'hlorine — Yes, it sounds well off. 



FEMINIST JITNEY RAG 

OH happily I'll greet the day, when I will gaily 
have to pay 
A nickel to a street car dame, some Moll, a Susie, 
or a Mame. 
In vain she'll cry out "Move up front," 
The rear platform will bear the brunt 

Of passengers from everywheres 
When lady "CONS" collect the fares. 



B 



ANQUET seasons, like cut hair are a by- 
product of barberism. 



SMITHSONIAN POETIC ASSOCIATION OF 
IDEAS 

CULTURED She — Have you seen Spoon 
River.'" 
Visiting He — No, does it run near Dippy Hill? 

# 

NOTICE 

THE janitors of the AVest Side of the campus 
hereby ifesue a Sweeping challenge to the 
janitors of the East Side of the campus. Manager 
Young of the West Siders has been brushing up on 
the fine points of janitorial courtesy, and Manager 
Nash of the East Siders has a new scheme of team 
work. We do not know just how this will pan out. 



" A FATHER oyster and his son were swimming 

** in the stew. 
The father to the son did say "This is the tenth 

that we've been thru 
Just then a man sat down to eat, so the father with 

a frown. 
Behind an oyster cracker ducked — 
— Just as the son (sun) went down. 

Hurried Exit. 

BRICK — What do you think of the Inclination 
Fox trot? 
Bat — Well I've got the inclination but not the 
ability. 



MIKE — And why are ye putting the ice around 
the furnace for? 
Pat — Well the directions that come with the 
furnace say that in order to kape the fire hot you 
must kape it coaled ? " 



8 



-THE SQUIB 



RAGTIME 

SOME people talk, and write, and sing- 
In language so poetic 
Of the beautiful and balmy spring. 
I think it's quite pathetic 
To hear these people madly rave 
And I almost cut myself when I shave 
For they make me lose my temper 

It's well enough to write and talk 

About the balmy spring. 

But when you shiver and can't keep warm 

That's quite another thing. 

I'd wait to see what the 'morrow would bring 

Before I'd sing of the Ba'my Spring 

For we might have snow tomorrow. 

Stop, Look and Listen. IS it right 

To call this season Springtime.'' 

If I could upset Tradition a bit 

I'd rather call it Ragtime. 

Perhaps that will bring to your face a smile 

But if you'll give your attention a little while 

I'll tell you just why I think so. 

I don't quite dare, while winter hangs 'round 

Put on my summer clothes. 

If I did, it would be my luck to get 

Of the grippe, another dose. 

So 1 11 just hang on to my winter things 

Until Spring some warmer weather brings 

And I hope it will before long. 




I 



[ACK — What are you going to do this summer.'' 
' Bill — In a bakery shop, loafing. 

F the Math building was Wilder, I'd like to see 
Stockbridge Hall it away. 



THE Lulu bird says — It is singular but true that 
after a bread bombardment at the hash 
house we always have bread pudding. 

# 

TEACHER — Johnny, what is three quai-ters of 
eight?" 
Johnny — Quarter past seven. 



My winter underwear is raveling 

Around the bottom and the top too. 

If I wear my winter shoes much more 

You wont know it was ever a shoe 

I'm walking on my heel to save my sole. 

All my winter socks have a great big hole 

And I'm afraid they wont last much longer. 

There's a fringe around the bottom 

Of my heavy winter coat. 

And on the shape of my winter hat 

I don't exactly "dote," 

I have such a ragged feeling 

When Springtime comes astealing 

That's why I'd rather call it Ragtime. 



LATER 
'ROSH — How far is it to Northampton? 
Amherst Police Force — About one gallon. 



S. 0. S. 

PROFESSOR — Give me a description of the 
underworld. 
Stude — I haven't got that far yet, but we can 
discuss that better later on. 

AT THE JUNIOR TREE PLANTING 

SOAKEMUP — Say, aren't you going to have a 
glass of beer? 
Experienced one — Nope, last year they took 
moving pictures of the affair, and I saw myself as 
an actor. 



D 



AFTER THE INFORMAL 

OT — How did you ever manage to hold up 
that gown you wore yesterday? 
Nel — Just by the mere force of will. 
Dot—Will who? 



■THE SQUIB- 



BOOSTING THE SUBSCRIPTION PRICE 

THERE was a little publisher who made a 
living — just. 
"I must," he said, "a wiggle on or something here 

will bust." 
He printed ev'ry Friday night a dinky little sheet 
That kept a hat upon his head and yarn socks on 

his feet. 
He'd danced the same old dance for years — a 

tame and pleasant "rag," 
That furnished him amusement and put small 

change in his bag. 
"But now,' he said, "I'll change my tune; I'll 

boost subscription price 
Four hundred more simoleons would come in 

kinder nice." 
And so he wrote an explana. for Tom and Dick 

and Jim, 
And asked them all to help the cause — and inci- 

dent'ly him. 
He pointed out the work he'd done for Mudd- 

ville, county Grass, 
And all the happy tricks he'd turned for fun — or 

apple-sass. 
Declaring, now he needed cash, he knew they'd all 

come thru. 
And then he bought some chewing gum and sat 

him down to chew. 

His step was light, his eye was bright. 
He whistled going home that night. 

Next morning he could hardly stop to eat his 
mush and eggs, 

And had there been electric cars he had not used 
his legs; 

But when he reached the office and in haste un- 
locked the door, 

He gazed with satisfaction at the mail upon the 
floor. 

For there were heaps and heaps of it as he could 
plainly see — 

The envelopes and postal cards in vast variety. 

'I* T* 'T" 'I* -1^ 

I cannot find it in my heart to tell you, inch by inch. 
The feelings that his feelers felt, but that mail 

made him flinch 
From out a bunch of envelopes that numbered 

fifteen score 
He pulled exactly one long green; honest, there 

were no more 
But thinking what the plunk would buy did cheer 

him up a bit. 
Until he reached the restaurant — and found 'twas 

counterfeit. 

Clinton S. Wady. 

10 




A WONDERFULL STRAIN 

# 
AT THE BALL 

CLUTCHEM — Did you notice that girl, she 
looks like a German spy?" 
Losem — How's that?" 

Clutchem — Why she's got enough powder on 
her face to blow up the French army." 

PROGRESSING 

PROSH — How are you making out with that 
■*■ new girl of yours? 

Soph — Oh great! She only leaves one gas jet 
burning now." 



A LABOR SAVING DEVICE 

A BUSY young man had a girl named Dot, 
Sometimes he liked her, sometimes not. 
And when he wrote her a letter, he couldn't do 
better 
Than to write iust "Dear." 



[•HE — Why didn't they play that new rag time 
' song? 
He — Oh, that music was barred. 



SLUMPED AGAIN 

FAN — Can you tell me why Catchemall has 
slumped in his fielding average? 
Bleacherite — He prefers chasihg highballs in 
in Hamp now." 



THE SQUIB 



FISHTORY IN THE MAKING 

AN Aggie student you all know, thot he would 
a-fishing go, 
His tackle then he had to get, a pole and hook that 

might be wet; 
He didn't need to buy a line, for we all have one 
(I have mine). 

A fish environment he sought, in which to cast the 

line not bought. 
He threw the tackle in the de^p, lit up a pipe and 

went to sleep; 
With hungry fish the stream was full, and soon 

one bit — he had a pull. 

The hooked one sank beneath the flood, the 
hooker woke and saw his blood. 

With baited breath the poor fish swam, his angiy 
words flowed past the "damn," 

Pity this poor caught fish you must, to see his life 
so LUMBRICUSSED. 

# 

JUNIOR after shooting off his score — 'Tis 
better to have shot and missed than never to 
have shot at all! 

Another — All that I hit was not the mark, 

I could do better in the dark. 
One more — When all is over and said and done. 
All I can shoot is the sunset gun. 

SAL AMANDA WAS NO FISH BUT ALL THE 
POLES TRAILED AFTER HER 

SAL AMANDA, Sal Amanda, loved a Sunder- 
land Polander 
He was tall and used to hand her 
Quite a line on their meander 
With tobacco leaf he fanned her 
Did the best he could to land her 
But a rival, some Leander 
Cut him out. — He says he canned her. 

# 

A MISUNDERSTANDING 

PAT had become somewhat intoxicated while 
working in a vacant lot, and after he went 
home that night his employer mailed his wages 
with a curt discharge. In ten days time Pat 
came back ready for work. "Didn't you read 
what I wrote in the letter?" incpiired the land- 
lord. "Yes but what did it say on the outside?" 
queried Pat. "Well what?" asked the landlord. 
"Return in 10 days to J. P. Thompson," so I 
took the required vacation and am now ready to 
work." And Pat stayed. 



FRIENDSHIP 

C'RIEND — I heard that a bandit I'elieved you of 
* your pocket book last night. 

Newly wed — No relief for me, but he saved my 
wife the trouble. 

# 
WHO SAID GASOLENE 

'C'ATHER of college boy — My son says he is 
*■ burning a lot of midnight oil lately. 

Friend — Yes, you'll think so when you get his 
bill for gasolene. 




f 



IT'S H— LL TO BE A FRESHMAN 



"THE SILENT HALLS"— NOT YET 

IN college classes now-a-days, the ftel'ows can't 
keep still 
If they don't stop this thing quite soon, the 
faculty sure will 
Why you can sit in any class and hear a pin drop 
on the floor 
(But it must be a rolling pin of forty pounds and 
then some more. 



# 



WHY FATHER FAILED 

John — "Where is the waiter, I wan'ta spoon." 
Mary — I hope he comes in right off." 

# 

The Lulu Bird says, 

It is a poor conductor that don't know that 
sniping nickles is a fair game. 

That just because a prof gives bolts he isn't 
an iron man. 

The Swanee River may be far, far away but 
it is only twelve cents over the Connecticut. 

Love is a game where two hands are better 
than one. 

It is a cinch that the "Blue Laws" are never 
red. 

A prof, spelled the word "application" Apple- 
cation, and it wasn't a "pom" prof at that. 



11 



fiHl) nORE OF 

Thtn — 






From the Collegfe Comics 



HER COMEBACK 

Evangeline — How do you like my new hat? 
Caroline — I think it is charming. I had one 
just like it last year. 

— Philadelphia Evening Ledger. 

"Say, Claude, did you get your shirt back from 
the laundry?" 

"Yes, Reginald, but not the front." 

— Longhorn. 

# 

"Is she modest?" 

"Modest? Why, she can't watch a billiard 
game." 

"What's the reason?" 

"She blushes every time the balls kiss." 

— The Jester. 

A SUITABLE MATCH 

"So you think Katherine made a very suita- 
able match?" 

"Yes, indeed; you know what a nervous, ex- 
citable girl she was. Well, she married a com- 
poser." 

— Tit-Bits. . 



AN EYE TO THE FUTURE 
Clerk — Do you want your wife's initials put 
inside the watch?" 

Hubby — No, er — just better put "To my dear- 
est." 

— Siren. 

Hick — This match won't light. 
Hike — That's funny. It lit all right a minute 
ago. 

— Michigan Gargoyle. 



GO SLOW 

"A wise man may change his opinion." 
"Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "But it's 
like changing a twenty-dollar bill. If you're 
careless about it you finish with nothing worth 
mentioning." 

• — Washington Star. 



Officer (to applicant for aeronautical corps) — 
Do you know anything about flying machines? 
Young Aviator — Yes, sir, I was raised on them. 

— Pelican. 



He — Does your mother object to kissing? 
She — You needn't think you can kiss the whole 
family. 

Froth. 



Him — Are you ticklish? 
Her — I don't know. 

(Business.) — Columbia Jester. 



A LONG CHANCE 

Departing Diner — I'd like to give you a tip, 
waiter, but I find I have only my taxi fare left. 

Waiter — They do say, sir, that an after-dinner 
walk is very good for the 'ealth, sir. 

— Boston Transcript. 



"What do you charge for your rooms?" 
"Five dollars up." 
"But I'm a student — " 
"Then it's five dollars down." 

— Cornell Widow. 



THE SQUIB- 



CURIOUS 

Stranger — I noticed your advertisement in the 
paper this morning for a man to retail imported 
canaries. 

Proprietor of Bird Store — Yes; have you had 
any experience in that line? 

Stranger — Oh, no; I merely had a curiosity to 
know how the canaries lost their tails. 

— Indianapolis Star. 

ZAT SO? 

Nervous Co-ed — Conductor, which end of this 
car do I get off of? 

Conductor — It doesn't make much difference, 
mam. Both ends stop. 

— Siren. 

# 

WOEFULL WEIGHTING 

London Automobilist — The bloomin' bobby 
pulled me in and I had to pay a heavy fine. 
Wife — How heavy, Sassafras? 
L. A. — Ten pounds. 

• — Jester. 



Fred — I've just invested in a sound proposi- 
tion. 

Ned — How so? 

Fred — I bought a phonograph. 

— Lampoon. 



AFTER THE GAME 

Poke — How did you come to lose so much 
money? 

Kerr — I didn't come to lose. 

— Siren. 



THE WIND WAS AGAINST HER 

Wife (to her husband who came in late for 
lunch, having stopped on his way home at an 
Italian Cafe with a few friends) — Don't come 
near me, you have been drinking and eating 
garlic. 

Happy Husband — No, dear, that's your breath, 
your standing in the draft. 

— Pitt Panther. 




Next The Anaesthetic Number 



He 



Y 



ave I ou Dean 



Our 



Outing Suits and Sport coats 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx models 

Sanderson and 
Thompson Hi 



Let 'em know 
we are alive 



Send home a 
copy of the Squib 



"Ye Aggie Inn" 

"Everything is so Tasty" 



Student Supplies of all kinds in our store 

Ingersol Watches 
in Celluloid Cases $1.00 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's Boot Shop 

211 Main Street 
The Spring Styles are here 

Northampton, - Mass. 



Phelps & Gare 

112 Main Street 
Northampton, Mass. 

'Massachusetts Men" welcome to 
look over our stock at any time. 



Sport Coats 

Outing Suits 

Blooming now are all the newest 
styles for young men. 

Suits in colors and designs that 
sparkle with newness. 
Northampton Agents For Society 
Brand Clothes For Young Men 

MERRIT CLARK & CO. 

NORTHAMPTON 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 

247-249 Main Street 
Northampton 



**Bicle-a-Wee" 



THE 



^be Matfle IFOnuse 

Waffles and Other Good Things to Eat 

MRS. L. M. STEBBINS 

Middle St. Tel. 415-W Hadley, Mass. 



IJelrnmfB ^nurj|Iatroitagr 

iiaij Irrakfast 

i'atmiiaH Utay B, 7.30 a. m.-r.30 p. m. 

Hraprur gnur tabUs «nm 

SiuMttij-fiuc guesta ran \st atrnmmnliatril 
iuriitg "Aggit" rommrnrsmfitt 



I DIDN'T THINK IT OF HER 

Mother — Gladys you stood on the 
porch quite a while with that young 
man last night. 

Gladys — Why, mother, I only 
stood there for a second. 

Mother — But I'm sure I heard the 
third and fourth. 

— Panther. 



Lit. Man (at the ball) — Are you 
familiar with .lohn Masefield.'' 

She — ^What do you mean? I'm 
never familiar with anyone. 

Yale Record. 



John — Did you ever try to stand 



on an egg? 



H. W.— Oh, yes. 
John — And what did you learn? 
H. W. — That the inside of the egg 
was stronger than the outside. 

E.vchange. 

Ike — Buck up, old fellow. Brave 
men fear neither God nor man. 

Bloom — Ah, that's it. It's my 
wife. 

— Siren. 



YOUR EYES 

Examined by the most 
approved Methods 



Your glasses designed 
for the most becom- 
ing effect 



OSCAR L. McCULLOCK 

Optometrist Optician 

54 Suffolk St., Holyoke, Mass. 



Order Cooking 



Specials 



The Elms Restaurant 




Best Quality Food 
Moderate Prices 

E. G. DILL, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



Roses! Roses! 

The Montgomery Co. 

INCORPORATED 

I{,ose Growers 

HADLEY, MASS. 

Thousands of roses cut daily 

Furnished in any quantity 

Sent anywhere 

Telephones: 

Amherst 196-R. Northampton 660 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 




TIMES SQUARt 
THE- CENTEIJ. QfNtW YORK 



Stop at the Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD ST.. NEAR BROADWAY 



Single Room, with Bath - - - - $2.00 to $3.00 for one 
Single Room, with Bath and Two Beds, $4.00 to $5.00 for two 



Located just off Times Square 

HOTEL WOODSTOCK 

is within a handy walk of everything — ^terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines— theatres and clubs, yet you can have quiet, refinement, and service withal. 



European plan restaurant 
unexcelled tor its cuisine 



Wrile for our Map of New York 



W. H. VALIQUETTE 

Managing Director 



Service and accommodations unsur- 
passed for completness and efficiency 



A. E. SINGLETON 

Asst. Manager 



ONE ON THE WIFE 

"AVhat's that piece of cord tied around your 
finger for?" 

"My wife put it there to remind me to post a 
letter." 

"And did you post it?" 

"No, she forgot to give it to me." 

— Cincinnati Inquirer. 



Luke — If the French soldiers wore Paris garters 
they would never be shot. 
Luther — Advance, friend. 
Luke — No metal can touch the skin. 

J ach-o' Lantern. 



Your chorus girl friend seems like a bright 
little thing. 

Yes, she exhibits more or less understanding. 



Pedestrian (to youth under auto) — AVhat's 
causing the trouble? 

Auto Novice — I don't know exactly, I think 
it's the exasperator. 

— Lampoon. 
Cleo — How do you pass exams.? 
Apollinarus — It can't be done without a make- 



up. 



-Brunonian. 



A Good Place to Eat 



The Ideal Lunch 

S. J. HALL, Prop. 



Excellent Service 



Fine Cuisine 



40 MAIN STREET 
NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Greater Service Than Ever 

Every day strains which continually cause "loose lenses" 
or breakage with ordinary glasses have no effect on our Inlaid 
Gold eyeglasses and spectacles. 

Inlaid Gold mountings have no screws through the 
glass, are much less noticeable and never loosen. 

Your Present Lenses Can Be Used. 

O. T. DEWHURST 

Maker of Perfect Fitting Glasses 

201 Main St. Opposite City Hall 

Northampton, Mass. Telephone 184-W 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Compliments of 



E. D. Marsh Estate 



STUDENT FURNITURE 



Bowling is the favorite Spring 
and Summer exercise 



Metcalf s Bowling Alleys 



Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 



Stationery, Blank Books and 
Fountain Pens 

1918 and 19 19 
COLLEGE STATIONERY 



A. G. Hastings 



Newsdealer and Stationer 



GILMORE THEATRE 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 



Four Days Every Week Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 



Perfectly appointed rooms for 
your guests 

Attractive Dining Room 



Exceptional Cuisine 
Telephone 8351 



Henry Adams Co. 

Cbe flO, H. C. 
3)ru0Oist0 ^ 

Candies and Ices 

Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



THE CAUSE 

"What is the cause of unrest?" 
"The desire," replied Mr. Dustin 
Stax, "of the workingman for leisure 
and of the leisurely man for some- 
thing to keep him busy." 

■ — Washington Star. 



FOOLED! HE BIT 

"Yes, I told father that white 
poker chip I dropped was a pepper- 
mint tablet." 

"Did he swallow it.''" 

— Hobert Herald. 



UNSYMPATHETIC 

"Sir, your daughter has promised 
to become my wife." 

"Well, don't come to me for sym- 
pathy; you might know something 
would happen to you, hanging 
around here five nights a week. 

• — Houston Post. 



"Pa, a man's wife is his better 

half, isn't she?" 

"We are told so, my son." 
"Then if a man marries twice 

there isn't anything left of him, is 

there?" 

— Bo.iton Transcript. 



iC 



For the Land's 
Sake" 



BOWKER 




M. A. C. 
Representatives 



DONALD SHERINYAN, 1916 

5 North Dormitory, 
Classes of 1918—1919 




EDGAR PERRY, 1916 

Alpha Sigma Phi House, 

Classes of 1916—1917 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



R. F. Armstrong & Son 

•1 Headquarters for the latest in 
College Men's wear and at reas- 
onable prices. We make a 
specialty of Young Men's . 
Clothes and Furnishings at 
prices that are right. 

Come and look our lines over 
80 Main bt., Northampton, Mass. 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 

The Best Place To Dine 

GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

50 Cent Luncheon from 1 1 .30 to 2 P. M. 
Special Dishes at All Hours 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Bay State Dye House 

Northampton, 15 Masonic St. 



SCOTTY HOOPER, 
Amherst Agent 

You are getting out your flannels, 
have them cleaned by our process. 
Better then the rest. We will serve 
you to your full satisfaction. Give 
us a trial. 

Just bring your suit or trousers to 
Scotty, we will do the rest. 



Woodward's Lunch 

27 Main Street, Masonic Block 



LUNCHES— SODA—ICE CREAM 



Closed only from 1 a. m. to 4 a. 



F. W. WOODWARD, Prop. 



Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park & Tilford, Maillards 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 

satisfactory will be replaced or 

money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



CYNICAL 

Dick — That old maid with the red 
auto has been pinched six times for 
speeding. 

Tom — Well, I suppose when she 
sees a motor-cycle cop she can't re- 
sist the enjoyment of being chased 
by a man. 

Ex-Sire7i. 



She (college bred) — You seem 
worried, Al. What's on your chest? 

He (hoarsely — but not from emo- 
tion) — Can you smell that damned 
liniment 'way over there? 

— The Purple Coic. 

Prawf — You seem rather mixed in 
your ideas. 

Frawsh — I just swallowed my 
Spearmint, and I'm all gummed up. 
The Purple Cow. 

She — Did j^ou know that ankle 
watches have become all the rage? 

He — Yes, so I see. 

She — Oh, you horrid thing! You 
can not! 

— Tiger. 



Old Lady Customer — Do you 
guarantee these night gowns? 

Sly young clerk — They can't be 
worn out, madame. 

— Stanford Chapparal. 

Mother — I am surprised at you! 
I heard him kiss you twice! 

Daughter — Nonsense, mother I 
That must have been the echo! 

Punch Bowl. 



Battei-y A. — I hear we are going 
to carry our pistols in our belts. 

Battery B. — Just my luck. I 
wear suspenders. 

Sun Dial. 



Transcript Photo 
Engraving Company 

North Adams, Mass. 






Engravers of Merit 

"We solicit work in College Publications 
GET OUR RATES 



You will need lots of note paper 
yet. Lay in a stock now be- 
fore prices advance. We can 
furnish you finest paper at as 
low rates as any one and lower 
than many. 

Try Us 

500 Sheets 70 Cents 

Latham '17 Merrill '17 



Some people live to eat, Others eat to live 



Boyden's Restaurant 

SERVES ALL 



Delicious Dishes Best of Service 

Catering 



Facilities for College Banquets 

196 Main St., Northampton 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



Shoes that Look Well 
and Fit Well 

E. ALBERTS 

241 Main Street 

opp. Clarke Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE HARDING, '19, Agent 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

^he JeWel 

Store 



Also 
THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

Telephone 1307-M 



Compliments ot 

A. J. GALLUP, INC 

We sell 

Hart Schaffner & Marx 
Clothes 



293-297 High St. 



Holyoke, Mass. 



Our Food Has That Tasty Taste 
Which Reminds You of Hotne 



North End Lunch 



On the Left as You Enter 
the Campus 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 

The Happy Hunting Grounds 
for Ye Aggie Men 

HfflBSlllB 

MEALS SERVED AT ALL 
HOURS 



STAMPED ACCEPTANCE 

Clerk (in gym office) — I love you, 
Betty. 

Betty (presenting Athletic Asso- 
ciation Book) — Then ' 'accept" my 
picture. 

Ex-Siren. 



"When was the loose leaf system 
first used?" 

"Eve used it to keep track of her 
party gowns." 

Cornell TVidoiv. 



'19 — Even at that Adam had 
something on all his descendants. 

'91 — Surely not in the matter of 
clothes ! 

'19 — Oh, no; but he never made a 
mistake in his youth. 

Tiger. 



IT WAS AT THE BALL 

Girl from the West — Do you know, 
I find it ever so much colder out here 
than it is back home. There I wore 
light garments all winter, but since 
coming here I had to put on heavy 
woolens. I am from Oregon you 
know 

Stude (with polite show of interest) 
Is that so.^ I'm from Missouri. 

Punch Boiol. 



"Why do you object to that new 
dance?" 

"Oh, it's just hugging set to 
music." 

"What don't you like about it?" 

"Oh, the music." 

— Green Gander 



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THE MAN WITH GOOD DOPE 



THE Kaiser's submarines are hunting 
For ships on the deep blue sea. 
How long they'll hunt through the depths 

Is one great puzzle to me 
But is it not true that which I write 

That Wilson is the man with the dope, 
For Uncle Sam will never have to fight 
As long as he sends Germany a note. 




PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 



Editor-in-Chief 

F. C. LARSON '17 

Associate Editor 

L. T. BUCKMAN '17 

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Vol. 


II. 


MAY, 1916 






No. 9 



^' -^ QUIBBY," the other day, felt 

a slackening of the pulse, a 
thickening of the brain, and 
a sensation of general lethargy 
throughout, which drove him 
to a downy bed of leaves be- 
neath a spreading tree away 
off where no mere man could 
interfere with his retrospec- 
tion, as he gazed off into the 
hazy distance where golden 
sunbeams chased minute 
darts of the insect world 
among the awakening flowers 
and blossoms nestling in the 
ample bosom of Mother Na- 
ture. And as Squihby considered and dreamed, and wondered what this strange malady could be 
that numbed his sensibilities and deadened his muscles, and sent his mind wandering among the 
fields and woods, communing with the birds and flowers, a hazy recollection of some mysterious 
phrase with a sound like "spring fever", came to his mind. And then he returned to the world of 
men and "Willie" Green, and repaired to the latter's Library, where after diligent research, he suc- 
ceeded in finding among the medical authorities, the following: "Diminished excitability of the sensory 




-THE SQUIB 



apparatus so that slight stimuli either pass unperceived or are felt indistinctly, while powerful 
stimuli are felt only feebly, or in high degrees of the affection, are not perceived at all. This is the 
condition termed anaesthesia, in which we must admit great or even complete immobility of the 
molecules of the sensory apparatus." Then Squibby said to himself: "Let us not call such a noble 
disease by such a mere name as 'Spring Fever,' but let us call it something more impressive and 
learned." And so he christened it "anaesthesia," and in order to give his great discovery to the 
Campus, he decided to publish his findings in the ANAESTHETIC NUMBER. 

Inasmuch as Squibby is using the term "anaesthetic" as the title of this number, it might be 
well in passing to pay some little attention to the history of the matter in question and to pay our 
small tribute to the men who made possible the use of anaesthetics in the world of medical science. 
Perhaps the gentle reader cannot conceive of our being serious, and so, just to disabuse you of that 
idea, we cite the following: One of the earliest records of the use of an anaesthetic was when Sir 
Humphrey Davy in 1800 experimented upon himself with nitrous oxide. But it was not until 1844 
that general use was made of the wonderful discovery of sulphuric ether, when William Thomas 
Green Morton and Dr. Charles T. Jackson used it in dental operations. Oliver Wendell Holmes 
suggested the terms "anaesthesia" and "anaesthetic," and it was Weir Mitchell who called it the 
"Death of Pain." The latter is the key-note of the situation, the culmination of the efforts of the word- 
constructionists, because it expresses in a word what ether means to medicine. Of all discoveries 
of science, that which gave anaesthetics to the world was the greatest boon to mankind, the key 
that opened up the locked door of the operating room to the word "humane." Whatever our race, 
color, or previous condition of servitude, we can not but help to admit our admiration for those men 
who did so much for the afflicted, who soothed the pains of the diseased, and barred the tortures 
from the operating table for all time to come. 

But we have wandered from our topic. We were telling our readers of the delights of Spring 
Fever, that natural anaesthesia which makes us forget our boring lessons and duties attendant on 
the curriculum, and sends our minds and bodies floating away on the billows of ease — if you can imagine 
it — until those among us who are so unfortunate as to be sophomores, awake with a start at the sight 
of a rare specimen of Nature's handiwork and bestir themselves sufficiently to pounce upon a con- 
tribution to that slowest-growing of all human efforts — the herbarium. We would like to call your 
attention to a manifestation of anaesthesia which is anything but profitable to the good appearance 
of the Campus — namely the strewing of trash in the grass all along the edge of the walk from the ravine, 
past the Chapel to the stone bridge. This is a disgraceful sign of sheer laziness and thoughtlessness 
on our part and one which is easily remedied. Just take the thought and time, at the next oppor- 
tunity, to carry that orange peel or newspaper to the receptacles provided for receiving tr^sh. 



N connection with the recommendations of the Committee on Ways and Means 
to whom was referred the Bill to provide for permanent improvements at our 
college Squibby notes with interest one point in particular, namely the investiga- 
tion of the entrance examinations. These are considered by the above to be 
too difficult for an institution of this kind. As Squibby sees it, no regulation will 
ever bring success to the entrance requirements. As long as the things required 
are a certain number of high school credits, the task of getting into the institution 
will never be difficult. Every man with a high school education has an equal 
opportunity and furthermore an education given a man by the state is an invest- 
ment by the state in that man. No business man or cooperation would plunge 
into an investment which showed little chance of commensurate returns. We 
must realize that not everyone is fitted for a course in this college and surely it 
would be an infinite task for the professors to maintain courses here which would 
suffice both for students graduating from grammar schools and high schools. Then why should 
this state utterly expend its money in educating all who apply for admission? Would it not be better 
for the state to help those children of exceptional ability but who are financially handicapped to go 
through college than to assist children of inferior ability. In closing we would say, rather make the 
entrance examinations harder and pay more attention to the financial status of this college. 




THE SQUIB 




A RETARDED SPARK 



ANAESTHESIA OF LAUNDRESSES 

DO not think foe an instant that this is a dis- 
ease peculiar to the Co-Op Laundry, simply 
because East Entry of North sends its laundry 
every week to that great adjuster of the laundry- 
bag. No, even the husky Swedes at the corner of 
East Pleasant and Pleasant can withstand the 
onslaughts of that virulent contribution of North 
to the weekly wash, to a sufficient extent to reduce 
the same to some semblance of cleanliness. Nor 
do the fumes of soap — I beg your pardon — bleach- 
ing powder cause this di-eaded disease, nor the 
stifling atmosphere of the boiling room. Rather 
is it to be found among the home-loving laun- 
dresses who bend their backs from day-end to 
day-end over the steaming tub in order to keep 
filled the tobacco boxes of their loving lords and 
masters, while these latter animals lean back in 
their shirt-sleeves and superintend the labors of 
their "means-of-visible-support." In a word, 
anaesthesia of laundresses, upon reference to an 
authority, is discovered to be: "Numbness, formi- 
cation and a peculiar stiffness in both hands and 
forearms, but seldom of acute pain." 



THE COMMONWEALTH OF 
MASSACHUSETTS 

In the Year One Thousand Nine Hundred and 
Sixteen 

RESOLVE 

Providing for an Investigation by a Special Com- 
mission of Agricultural Education at the Massa- 
chusetts Agricultural College and the Develop- 
ment of the Agricultural Resources of the 
C ommonwealth . 

1 Resolved, That a special commission is here- 

2 by established, to be composed of the com- 

3 mission on economy and efficiency, the com- 

4 missioner of education, and three persons to 

5 be appointed by the governor, with the advice 
5 and consent of the council, for the purpose of 
7 investigating the subject of agricultural educa- 
h tion as conducted at the Massachusetts agri- 
9 cultural college and the development of the 

10 agricultural resources of the commonwealth. 

11 The commission shall investigate and report 

12 as to the advisability of further expenditures 

13 for new buildings. 



A S is commonly believed, physicians never 
*» make any effort to keep the papers and mag- 
azines placed in their offices for the entertainment 
of their patients while waiting, up-to-date. As a 
matter of fact, they do to a reasonable extent, 
but the village wag evidently thought he had 
"pulled" a good one the other day, when he walked 
into old Doc Sawbone's office, picked up a news- 
paper, and exclaimed: 

"My God! Lincoln's been assassinated!" 



"Schurman, Head of Cornell, is out for Hughes.' 

Boston American. 
What's the trouble.' Has he a grudge against 
him, or does Hughes owe him money? 



# 



Three examples of the effect of anaesthetics: 
1. Henry Young. 



2. 
3. 



Henry Young. 
Henry Young. 



Man of the House — Why did you tell my wife 
what time I came in this morning, after I expressly 
told you not to? 

The Cook — Sure, Oi didn't tell her. ' She asked 
me what toime ye got in an' Oi told her Oi was 
too busy gettin' the breakfast that Oi didn't look 
at the clock. 



THE SQUIB 




LATE TO CHAPEL? 

WON — What do you call your room mate? 
Too — When do you mean, when he is 
around, or when he can't hear me? 



J-VOPEY— That girl Js made for me. 
*-' Mopey— What makes you think so? 
Dopey — She made herself a blond. 



PAUL — Did you get those cigarettes that I told vp 
you to? 
Maul — -No, the man Hassan any. 
Paul — Then I will have to Mecca cigarette my- 
self. DATCH— What's the trouble with you lately? 
^ '-' Newlywed — Everyone is kidding me about 

T,i7A^T ixr/->T3T' ' "ly wlfc appcanug iu tlghts at au amatcur show 

BEAN WORK last week. 

'^^AC — How did you hit the exam? Batch — That's nothing to be sore about. 

*▼* Jac — The same way I would like to hit the Newleywed — No not at all, when they tell me 

prof, that gave it, right on the bean. I married her for her money. 



-THE SQUIB- 




DECREASED TWO WAYS 

I TOOK my jeans to the tailor man, 
Had them creased up spick and span, 
Worse luck, it started into rain, 
Decreasing my pants all over again. 



DELERIUM TREMENS 

OH see the pretty little snakes. 
Said the stewd upon his knees, 
But truly they were only fakes, 
For he merely had D. T's. 



CHEMICALLY SPEAKING 

HE staggered in across the door, 
No further could he go. 
The reason was he called for "more" 
Of Rahar's CaHeO. 



I AM a drunk. 
And I am a souse, 
What if I am a bum, 
Penniless, coatless 
And use good rum; 
I get by with it. 
It's bum dope 
As you may dote. 
But I have to have 
A little booze. 
So I may choose 
A lamp post 
For my roost. 



OUTFIT FOR 

1 Wood shed 
J Small boy 



A WHALING EXPEDITION 

1 Broad lap 
1 Slipper. 



TARGET PRACTICE 

A BIRD in the hand is worth two in the bush 
Is a couplet that is not always true, 
For a man with a gun that he knows how to 
shoot 
May come out of the thicket with two, 



6 



-THE SQUIB 




■ JWJr 



POOR DOPE 

HE'S working now to beat the band 
For in matrimony he's had his hand, 
He certainly must have been a "mope," 
For goodness knows that's very poor dope. 

He told us all, he'd own a fliver 
But look at him, see how he shivers. 
Instead of a fliver after his marriage 
He has inherited grandma's baby carriage. 



MISS SAUSAGES' COLUMN FOR THE 
IGNORANT 

Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

I am in trouble. I am going with a girl who is 
continually "kidding the shirt off my back." 
What shall I do? She is one of those kind who 
would take the gold right out of your back teeth 
if you were laughing at her. 
'"i.. Sincerely, 

Distressed. 
Dear Distressed: 

The Haberdasher is certainly making money on 
you. You should endeavor to find some other 
means of clothing yourself. I would suggest a 
bearskin. 

Dear Sage: 

I am keeping company with two college stu- 
dents, one from Aggie, the other from Amherst 
College. Which one shall I consider, as I like 
them both. 

Smittingly yours. 

Lovesick. 



Lovesick dear: 

Accept neither, you had better write to Nat 
Goodwin. If this is not satisfactory to you I 
would advise you to draw straws. 

Sau Sage dear: 

I haven't enough money to go the to hop. 
Please tell me what to do. 

Brokenly yours, 

Busted. 

Dear Busted: 

Don't go. Better go to the Herrick School 
Dance, admission 10 cents. 

Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

I have a pet snake who recently sprained his 
ankle. How can I help him from suffering.'' 

Yours truly, 

Snake Charmer. 

Dear Snake Charmer: 

I know no cure but quick death will be in his 
favor. 



PREPAREDNESS? READ THIS! 

A NERVOUS lady was watching the drill one 
*^ day. The Captain said "Company right 
dress. (She heard it. "Company, white dress.") 
The soldiers looked stupidly away. Then he 
commanded "Company front." Then they faced 
front and saw her. She smiled and bowed her 
appreciation of the attention they exhibited to 
her, "those nice boys," she thought. But we 
squad righted, heaved a few sighs, and floated 
over to Sunderland. 



JUST LIKE NATURE -1 

IJE — Why do women wear low neck dresses in 
*■ * the winter time, and furs in the summer 
time? 

She — Are not the limbs of trees clothed in the 
summer time and naked in winter? 

FROSH — That professor is very approachable. 
Soph — I know it, but you can't touch his 
courses. 



■THE SQUIB- 




BUM DOPE 

SODA is soda, and beer is beer, 
And dope is dope we'll agree. 
But physics, zoology and agronomy dear 
Are not dope but the dirty three. 



DOPE 

DOPE is the stuff that makes college life what 
it is. Where would we be if we didn't have 
dope on exams, dope on football games and dope 
on the weather? Some dope is good, some bum. 
It was the latter kind that the Sophs had on the 
Freshman banquet. Dope is sometimes found in 
the form of Peruna, in that case (six bottles) you 
have to dope out where the dope is. Dope is 
also used sometimes in horse liniment, causing the 
blind staggers. Dope as handed out by profs at 
lectures has the same effect on the class that any 
other form of dope would have, namely sleep. 
Dope wrecks the lives of more people in one year 
than the blank cartridges in drill do in three. 
Conclusion: Dope and drill are good things to have 
nothing to do with. 



SIX HOURS A WEEK 

PERSISTENT— This botany Lab stuff isn't 
very interesting. 
Assistant — Never mind, you will get a lichen 
for it sooner or later. 



PUBLIC SPEAKING 

GIVE me three hours of public speaking 
Just three hours of it 
It will make me a Mexican Athlete 
Who throws the bull a-bit. 

They say my mind is full of soap 

About the war and all its dope 
But give me three hours of public speaking 

It's just what I am seeking. 
I'll flunk Math, English and Chem, 

I don't care for them 
But three hours of public speaking 

Will help me in .* 

*Fill in the correct word and win the Aluminum 
lawn mower. 

NOTICE 

DOB — You must be thinking of yourself'. 
Sob — How do you figure that? 
Dod — Because you have such a "Nobody 
Home" expression. 




THE RANK AND VILE 



8 



-THE SQUIB- 




SOME MORE GOOD DOPE 

AT the beaches in the summer time 
Where the maidens bloom so fine, 
They dress in filmy, silky clothes, 
Which makes "poor man" there only foes. 
And about them men say foolish things 
When the filmy clothes to the maiden clings. 
Is it not good dope, then, to take a walk 
Along the beach and hear the girls talk, 
As they prance around in the sand 
Doing their best to get a tan (man). 



A BOTTLE FANTASY 

TPHERE was a jolly sailor and he sailed the 
* Imaging sea, 

In search of wild adventures of a kind that ne'er 
could be 

Except in picture story books of great imagination 

That he'd swallowed as a callow youth with mor- 
bid fascination. 

And after many weary years of sailing on the 
brine. 

He sought again his native town, where grazed the 
lowing kine, 

And he swaggered down the village street, his face 
a rusty brown. 

And thirsty for refreshment, in a tavern sat him 
down. 

But with his lively spirits he refreshed himself so 
much, 

That when he got him up to go, his boot soles 
would not touch 

The stones he tried to walk on, so he let them walk 
at will. 

And he tangoed down the village street with all 
consummate skill. 

But when he came beside the pond he swore the 
waves were high. 

So he climbed a slender birch tree to keep him 
high and dry. 

But the tree bent near the water, and he bellowed 
full and loud, 

"The ship is lost! All hands to mess! You lub- 
bers loose that shroud 

Alas! The fragile mast snapped off; he tumbled 
in the pond, 

A kindly sheriff' fished him out — the picture of 
despond ! 

And as he guided him to jail, he heard the tar ex- 
plain, 

"There's more storms in a bottle than in all the 



raging mam! 



H. Henderson '17. 



PEACE AT ANY COST 

JANE — At the peace meeting last night they 
sang one of the Allies' National Hymns and 
the audience didn't seem to like it." 

Alice — I suppose that is on account of the war. 
Jane — No, I think it was on account of the 
piece. 



'Honest Cop' of New York is dead. 

Boston American. 
Probably due to lonesomeness. 



1 HEAR you had a quiet time in the country." 
*■ "Yes, all the noise I heard was the tree bark, 
the ice cream, and the lawn mown." 



THE SQUIB- 




M 

deal. 



ANY a Sophomore will shuffle the 
cards, cut, bid, and then holler 



major 
"Raw 



M 



By L. J. Graham 
ARY — Did he propose? 

Ella — Yes, the same old style. 
M — How is that? 
E. — By the Kneeostyle (or neostyle). 



JUSSHH ONE MORE 
¥ IVES there a souse with nose so red, 
*^ Who never to himself hath said, 
"This is my last, my final beer, 
Bartender, take this nickel here." 



SHERIFF, CALL 



OUT THE 
LARY 



CONSTABU- 



' I 'HE village mezzo-soprano got up to sing. In 
^ fact she was got up to sing — with the bosom 
bouquet, and the air of higher altitude than thou. 
She performed — a solo. It was not low enough 
however and the audience heard it. She ceased, 
only because the selection did. Then came the 
encore. (It should have been the relief coi-ps). 
She deceased (she did not die, no such luck), this 
time a sad song was wailed. It was one of those 
long time notes, on which the interest may be lost. 
She lost it, spluttered, missed fire and sang several 
G-clefts, then a regular futurist song picture of 
sharps and flats. Even the player-piano skidded, 
the hollow silence. Her maiden aunt in the first 
row, led the inevitable thunder of applause, a 
precocious neighbor lad overreached a bundle of 
roses across the footlights, she seized, bent pro- 
fusely forward and retired, let us hope for life. 

Moral: A casket bouquet often covers or fills a 
grave situation. 



I WAS SAVING THEM, THO 

130UGHT a pack of cigarettes, 
*-' Had a surplus dime, 
Passed 'em round among my friends. 
Do it every time. 



Ten were in there when it came, 
Bill took one and Pete the same, 

Donald lit his with dispatch. 
Pinky even asked a match. 



Harold curled up rings of blue, 

Clarence said "Come don't be tight, 

Percy thot he'd use one too. 
Whistle burned it with delight. 

Chorus 

Dwindle, dwindle little pack 
Will I ever get you back, ??? 

With a smokestick left inside. 

For my tongue, so hot and dried????? 



Eight were gone and two remained, 
Jacky reached and puffed in joy. 

To take the Last one none disdained, 
Sam received with "At a boy." 



So the whole blame ten went out, 

On the steps we chanced to group on, 

But a fellow has to shout 

Then, besides, he has the coupon. 



10 



-THE SQUIB- 



SH— SH— SH— SH 

Banquet Season Dope 

I MET a 
Sophomore on the way 
To Hamp and he 
And I got separated 
It 

Was 
This 
Way 

You see He said 
Come here and 
Says I the 
H — you say 
He looked at me 
I looked 
At him 

We started to run 
I after 
Him 

He after me 
You ought to have 
Seen us 

We both met in a 
Collision in front of 
A Girl 

Oh she was a pearl 
You see she had 
To stop 

For in the excitement 
She dropped 
Her pocket book 
And I stooped over 
To pick it up 

And you ought to have seen 
Her eyes, my what a dream 
The Sophomore then 
Hit me on the bean 
For he called time 
As I did lean to 
Pick up the girl's 
Packet book. 



SEEMALL — That sure was some burlesque 
show. 
Never missem — Yes, the scenery was very en- 
ticing. 

A HARD COAL WORLD 

CUSTOMER — This coal I got here was entirely 
too hard. 
Coal Dealer— Well, why didn't you bituminous? 




STUDE — Yes, ours is a ver^ old family. You 
know we came over with the Puritans. 
2nd Stude — So, and did you have a pleasant 
voyage.'' 



RATHER DOPEY 

HE — Perhaps you don'^t understand the expres- 
sion to "dope out" something. 
She — I didn't at first but I finally doped it out. 

ODD TIRES 

Isn'^t it queer that after retiring I generally feel 
tired. 



11 



-THE SQUIB- 



SMOKED OUT 

MOTHER — Why Johnny, I saw you smoking 
after dinner. 
Johnny (penitent) — Yes, ma, and I saw my 
dinner after smoking. 



AT THE BASEBALL GAME 

HE — There is our coach and team over there. 
She — but Jack, isn't it more up-to-date 
to have automobiles now? 



STRAIGHT DOPE FOR MOONSTRUCK 
PEOPLE 

By One Who Knows 

OF course I don't suppose you have ever taken 
a young lady for a walk on a moonlight eve- 
ning. No.° Well, maybe you prefer an evening 
without a moon, and you are not to be blamed for 
that if you can find your way home without it. 
Be that as it may, you have probably heard or 
participated in a conversation similar to the fol- 
lowing: (I am going to tell you what She will say 
and what you OUGHT to say and do.) 

Her first remark Mill very probably be some- 
thing like, "Isn't the moonlight beautiful 
tonight?" You are supposed to look very 
attentively at her and observe, "Yes, it is when 
it shines upon your face." This may produce a 
little giggle from her but requires no answer. 

You walk a little way and she stops and says, 
"I guess I have a pebble in my shoe." This may 
mean that she wants you to take her shoe off and 
shake the offending pebble out and put it on 
again, or it may mean that she wants you to 
turn your back while she does the trick herself. 
Use your head and think cjuick. I can't advise 
any true and tried course of action in this case. 
I have tried both and got in wrong both times. 

You walk some more and pretty soon she will 
feel fatigued. You see a likely looking fence 
right ahead and propose you rest awhile. I 
didn't say .she saw the fence before you did, but 
she may have, you know. You assist her to a 
seat on the top rail and she will say, "My, but 
this fence is wobbly, isn't it? I'm afraid it is 
going to fall." Of course you are sure it wont 
and you must tell her so, then move up a bit 
closer and put you arm around her to keep her 
from falling off. After a while she will tell you 
that the moon is shining right in her eyes and it 




HAV 



annoys her, so she moves her head toward you 
a bit. This means that you should adjust your- 
self so that she may rest her head upon your 
manly shoulder and then you can shield her from 
the offending moonbeams by shadowing her face 
with your own head. 

When she finds the top rail is getting hard 
she will suggest going home. You help her to 
the ground and when she starts walking she will 
complain that she has been sitting so long than 
one foot is asleep and will start limping. This 
means that you must put your arm around her 
again to support her until you reach her home. 

Here my advice ceases abruptly, for if you 
don't know how to say "Good-night" yourself by 
this time — well, you can just do without, that's 
all. I 

This is all straight dope. Try it. , 



PEBBLES 
POPULARITY is a nightwatchman going the 
rounds of applause. 



^ARIETY is the spice of life, but insobriety 
the shortening. 



12 




ON THE BLEACHERS 

^AN — Isn't it lunny that the ball rolls until it 
stops. 



HINKEY — Why do you always sit so close to 
your girl? 
Blinkey — Well, we always have a chair between 
us. 



THE LAST RIDE TOGETHER OR GAS 
THE PRECIOUS OINTMENT 

CURSES," I muttered, "trun me down. 
But we must both ride back to town, 
Into the Ford then we both squeezed, 
And down the country road we breezed. 

On we rode, I cared not where. 

The tires were good, and SHE was there, 
But little I recked of careful steering, 

From side to side the car was veering. 

In the road there stood a cow. 

Then — I don't remember how, 
I was lying on the bank. 

With my dazed head thru the crank. 

The girl was gone and deep despair 
Came near pervading me right there. 

As I surveyed the ruined car. 
And lit a poor five cent cigar. 

But then I lolled about the green, 
And r'ghteous joy was in me poured. 

I'd saved a tank of GASOLINE, 
Enough to buy another Ford!! 



COMING 

NEXT 




SENIOR 
NUMBER 



13 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's Boot Shop 

211 MAIN STREET 
The Spring Styles are here 

Northampton, - Mass. 



Phelps & Gare 



112 Main Street 
Northampton, Mass. 

"Massachusetts Men" welcome to 
look over our stock at any time. 



Have You Seen Our 

Outing Suits and Sport coats 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx models 

Sanderson and 
Thompson ii 



Croysdale Inn 
and Tea Rooms 

SOUTH HADLEY, MASS. 

Welcomes Your Patronage 

Meals and Rooms for 25 
" Aggie " Commencement 
Guests. 

Tel. Holyoke 2628-W 



YOUR EYES 

Examined by the most 
approved Methods 



Your glasses designed 
for the most becom- 
ing effect 



OSCAR L. McCULLOCK 

Optometrist Optician 

54 Suffolk St., Holyoke, Mass. 



Order Cooking 



Specials 



It s important this season more than 

ever to buy your suit where the store 

guarantees satisfaction, or return of 

your money. 

We as usual, protect our customers. 

Suits from $15. to $30. 

We have selected our goods for 

spring with unusual care. 

White Flannel Trousers $4., $5. and 
$6.50 

MERRITT CLARK & CO. 

144 Main St. NORTHAMPTON 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 

247-249 Main Street 
Northampton 



BY FITS AND STARTS 

First Encina — What the devil's 
the matter with you? You read a 
minute, stop a minute, and then go 
on reading again." 

Second Encina — Why, the prof, 
told us to go over it in odd moments. 
— Chapparal. 

Minister (to sick student) — I take 
a friendly interest in you, my boy, 
because I have two sons in the uni- 
versity, myself; one taking Engineer- 
ing and the other. Agriculture. Is 
there anything I can do? 

Sick Student — You might pray 
for the one taking Engineering. 

— Minnehaha. 



The Elms Restaurant 



TENNYSON HAD NOTHING ON 
HIM 

"They say Tennyson frequently 
worked a whole afternoon on a single 
line," said the literary enthusiast. 

"That's nothing," said the poor 
clod seated beside him. "I know a 
man who has been working the last 
eight years on a single sentence." 




Best Quality Food 
Moderate Prices 

E. G. DILL, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



"Ye Aggie Inn" 

"Everything is so Tasty" 
Student Supplies of all kinds in our store 



Ingersol Watches 
in Celluloid Cases $1.00 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 




Stop at the Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD ST., NEAR BROADWAY 



Single Room, with Bath - - - - $2.00 to $3.00 for one 
Single Room, with Bath and Two Beds, $4.00 to $5.00 for two 



TIMES SQUMvL 
THE, cente: ofnewnopk 



Located just off Times Square 

HOTEL WOODSTOCK 

is within a handy walk of everything — ^terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines^theatres and clubs, yet you can have quiet, refinement, and service withal. 



European plan restaurant 
unexcelled tor its cuisine 



Write for our Map of New York 



Service and accommodations unsur- 
passed for completness and efficiency 



W. H. VALIQUETTE 

Managing Director 



A. E. SINGLETON 

Asst. Manager 



A SHORTAGE SOMEWHERE 

An advertisement of a popular spectacular play 
has this to say of two of its attract'ons: 
5600 people, 
4000 costumes. 

— Ladies' Home Journal. 



BY THEIR NAMES YOU MAY KNOW THEM 

In Paris — "Parasites." 

In Germany^ — "Germs." 

In Ireland — "Microbes." 

In Russia — "Skeets." 

In U. S. A.— Simply "Bugs." 



Pat and Mike were sent on their first job to 
paint a house. Mike had just succeeded in pull- 
ing the scaffolding, on which Pat was clinging for 
dear life, up to the second story. Pat cast one 
horrified look at the ground below and yelled at 
the top of his voice, "If you don't let me down 
quick I'll cut the rope." 



A Good Place to Eat 



The Ideal Lunch 

S. J. HALL, Prop. 



Excellent Service 



Fine Cuisi 



uisme 



40 MAIN STREET 
NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Greater Service Than Ever 

Every day strains which continually cause "loose lenses" 
or breakage with ordinary glasses have no effect on our Inlaid 
Gold eyeglasses and spectacles. 

Inlaid Gold mountings have no screws through the 
glass, are much less noticeable and never loosen. 

Your Present Lenses Can Be Used. 

O. T. DEWHURST 

Maker of Perfect Fitting Glasses 

201 Main St. Opposite City Hall 

Northampton, Mass. Telephone 184-W 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Compliments of 



E. D. Marsh Estate 



STUDENT FURNITURE 



Bowling is the favorite Spring 
and Summer exercise 



MetcalPs Bowling Alleys 



Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 



Stationery, Blank Books and 
Fountain Pens 

19 18 and 19 19 
COLLEGE STATIONERY 



A. G. Hastings 



Newsdealer and Stationer 



GILMORE THEATRE 



THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 



Four Days Every Week Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 



all|p Pr0B;i?rt 2|jiubp 

Perfectly appointed rooms for 
your guests 

Attractive Dining Room 



Ejcceptional Cuisine 
Telephone 8351 



Henry Adams Co, 

Cbe fiD» n, <L. 
DrugGi0t9 jt 

Candies and Ices 

Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



IN THE ROLLER-COASTER 

Corpulent Occupant of the Front 
Seat — Hey, young feller, would you 
mind telling me something?" 

Y. F.— Yeah? 

C. O. 0. F. S.— Do you play 
chess? 

Y. F.— Yeah! 

C. O. O. F. S.— Well, move your 
queen. 

— Purple Cow 

Young Lady (with hopes) — What 
do you tliink is the fashionable color 
for a bride? 

Male Floor Walker — Tastes differ, 
but I should prefer a white one! 

— Punch Botvl. 

INDIRECT VISION 

"What color dress did Marie have 
on last night?" 
"I dunno, but—" 
"But what?" 

"If it matched her stockings — " 
"Yeah?" 
"It was dark blue." 

— Gargoyle. 

Professor's Wife — I need a new 
hat, dear. 

Prof.— "All right I'll have the 
students buy some of my test books. 

— Siren. 



"For the Land's 
Sake" 



BOWKER 




M. A. C. 

Representatives 



DONALD SHERINYAN, 1916 

5 North Dormitory, 
Classes of 1918—1919 




EDGAR PERRY, 1916 

Alpha Sigma Phi House, 

Classes of 1916—1917 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



R. F.Armstrong & Son 



Commencement 

Days will soon be here. Let us show 
you our line of suits ranging in price 
from $12.50 to $25.00. 

80 Main bt., Northampton, Mass. 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 
The Best Place To Dine 

GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

50 Cent Luncheon from 1 1 .30 to 2 P. M. 
Special Dishes at All Hours 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Bay State Dye House 

Northampton, 15 Masonic St. 



SCOTTY HOOPER, 
Amherst Agent 

You are getting out your flannels, 
have them cleaned by our process. 
Better then the rest. We will serve 
you to your full satisfaction. Give 
us a trial. 

Just bring your suit or trousers to 
Scotty, we will do the rest. 



Woodward's Lunch 

27 Main Street, Masonic Block 



LUNCHES— SODA— ICE CREAM 



Closed only from I a. m. to 4 a. m. 



F. W. WOODWARD, Prop. 



Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park & Tilford, Maillards 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 

satisfactory will be replaced or 

money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



AN AMATEUR 

Folly — He doesn't know anything 
about the little niceties of paying at- 
tention to a girl. 

Dolly — Why, I saw him tying your 
shoestring. 

Polly — Yes; but he tied it in a 
double knot, so it couldn't come un- 
tied again. 

— Judge. 



Job-seeker (entering the office un- 
announced) — Is there an opening 
here lor me? 

Chief Clerl: — Yes, sir, right behind 
you. 

— Avgwan. 



She — You know, as soon as I saw 
her come into the room I knew she 
was trying to conceal something. 

He — You didn't see her after she 
took her coat off. 

—Froth. 



He — I wonder why these girls wear 
such short skirts now days? 
She — Oh, — for two reasons! 

— Widotv. 



, "Last night Jack tried to put his 
arm around me three times." 
"Some arm." 

— Record. 



Him — Where will you meet me to- 
night? 

Her — Half way. 

— ChapparaJ. 



Transcript Photo 
Engraving Company 

North Adams, Mass. 






Engravers of Merit 

We solicit work in College Publications 
GET OUR RATES 



You will need lots of note paper 
yet. Lay in a stock now be- 
fore prices advance. We can 
furnish you finest paper at as 
low rates as any one and lower 
than many. 

Try Us 

500 Sheets 70 Cents 

Latham '17 Merrill '17 



Some people live to eat. Others eat to live 



Boyden's Restaurant 

SERVES ALL 



Delicious Dishes Best of Service 

Catering 



Facilities for College Banquets 

196 Main St., Northampton 



MEN WHO-ADYERTISE HAVE. SOMETHING. TO SHOW 



Shoes that Look Well 
and Fit Well 

E. ALBERTS 

241 Main Street 

opp. Clarke Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE HARDING, '19, Agent 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

^he Jewel 

Store 



Also 
THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

Telephone 1307-M 



Compliments ot 

A. J. GALLUP, INC 

We sell 

Hart Schaffner & Marx 
Clothes 



293-297 High St. 



Holyoke, Mass. 



Our Food Has That Tasty Taste 
Which Reminds You of Home 



North End Lunch 



On the Left as You Enter 
the Campus 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 

□SOS 1^ IjEI fjfl ran 

ED ED EJ EH C3 G3 

The Happy Hunting Grounds 
for Ye Aggie Men 

HHHHHffl 

MEALS SERVED AT ALL 
HOURS 



FAST ENOUGH 

"How quickly does your machine 
pick up?" 

"Oh, on Good nights, I have a 
couple in fifteen minutes." 

— Gargoyle. 

She — Do you ever swear.'' 
He— No. 

She — Do you ever lie? 
He — Damn it, you win! 

— Record. 



He — I have a small headache an 

She — Well, what do you expect 
Out of that head — a brain storm. 

— Nebraska Awgivan. 



MODISTE, WHAT DID HE 

MEAN? 
"Good-bye. I hope I see more t 
you at the hop." 

— Panther. 



He — I want to tell you a joke 
about mistletoe. 

She — Be sure it isn't over my head. 

— Widow. 



"What did you say your age was?" 
he remarked, between the dances. 

"Well, I didn't say," smartly re- 
turned the girl, "but I've just reached 
twenty-one." 

"Is that so?" he returned, con- 
solingly. "What detained you?" 
— Punch Bowl. 



REAL CULTURE 

Young Hopeful — What does col- 
lege bred mean, Dad? 

Dad (reading heir's school ex- 
penses) — Merely a big loaf, Percival. 

— Panther. 



It is better to 
have your 

K^dnttnG 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printing— IRuIing— Binding 

North Adams, Mass. 



Wholesome old fashion food served 

in the most modern 

manner at the 

COLONIAL INN 

At the entrance to the campus 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



Learn Trapshooting 

A Sport for School, College and After Years 

To give lasting satisfaction, the sport you go out for in college, should be one that can be 
pursued as a recreation in after years — when your time and opportunity for exercise is limited. 

Unlike most school and college sports, trapshooting provides a rational, all-round development 
and training, which can be kept up after college days are over 



Write for new booklet "Trapshooting At Scliool and 
College" to which many college men have contributed. 
It contains a chapter "How to Organize and Conduct 
A College Trapshooting Club." For your copy address 



E. I. DU PONT DE NEMOURS & COMPANY 



WILMINGTON, DELAWARE 



ESTABLISHED 1802 



GO TO THE 



MARBLE HALL HOTEL 



"When in Holyoke, Mass. 



HOME COOKING 
GRILL ON FIRST FLOOR 



AT MODERATE PRICES 

DINING ROOM— SECOND FLOOR 



E. M. Curran, Prop. 




CilllllllllllllllllllMIIIIIIH ■■■■□ 

INCREASE YOUR INCOME 

Sell our college banners to students. Generous 
discounts. Exclusive agency offer. 

Arthur Manufacturing Co. 

DEPT. S. LOWVILLE. NEW YORK 



EVERYBODY! 



It will cost you 20% less by subscribing 
now than later, and it will cost you 25% 
less than buying a copy each month. 
Economize, get a receipt for a year's sub- 
scription to the Squib, today. 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



The new Spring ARROW^ 

COLLAR InTVo Heights 

Ashby -- 9^8 fn. Lexicon-2^2 fn. 



r-;^-. 



^lJT5 -1916 




^NORTHAMPTON';^ 



Vlt;mouth Inn 



^MASSACHUSETTS-sS? 



A High- Class Hotel 
desirably located for 

College patronage 

American and European Plans 




Especially suited to the 

requirements of tourists on 

account of its pleasant location 

Special Attention to Banquets 



RAYSEUS 



The College Man's Shop 

179 Main St. Northampton 



^ Clothes, Furnishings, ^ 
^ Shoes, Hats «^ 



It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the 
correct thing in young men's wear. 



Visit us for Distinctive Apparel 



GO TO THE 



MARBLE HALL HOTEL 



"When in Holyoke, Mass." 



HOME COOKING 
GRILL ON FIRST FLOOR 



AT MODERATE PRICES 

DINING ROOM— SECOND FLOOR 



E. M. Curran, Prop. 



Commencement Guests— Where to Eat 



[N AMHERST 



Aggie Inn 

Adams Drug 

Colonial Inn 

Deuel's Drug 

Kollege Kandy Kitchen 

Prospect House 

North End Lunch 



IN NORTHAMPTON 

Beckmann's 
Draper Hotel 
Plymouth Inn 
Rahar's Inn 
The Elms Restaurant 
The Ideal Lunch 
Woodwards Lunch 



IN SOUTH HADLEY 
Croysdale Inn 

IN HOLYOKE 

Dooley's Inn 
Marble Hall Hotel 
The Nonotuck 

IN SPRINGFIELD 

Asia Restaurant 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



APER HOTEL 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

WE SOLICIT THE M. A. C. PATRONAGE 

irst Class Banquet Facilities 

WM. M. KIMBALL, Prop. 



KOLLEGE KANDY KITCHEN 

Delicious Home Made Ice Cream Made Only From Pure Cream 

WHEN AT AGGIE GET YOUR ICE CREAM AT 
When "Up Town" Call At Our Store AGGIE INN Opposite Town Hall 

Caterers for Cabaret 




52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 



School and College 



** Bbbotograpbers ** 






Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
New York City 






First Mother — ]Mrs. Clancy, yer 
child is badly spoiled. 

Second Mother — Gwan wid yez. 

First Mother — Well, if you don't 
believe it, come and see what the 
steam roller did to it. 

— Lampoon. 



Ikey — How much was dose collars ? 
Store Clerk — Two for a quarter. 
Ikey — How much for vun? 
Store Clerk — Fifteen cents. 
Ikey — Giff me de odder vun. 

— Yale Record. 



Wm. G. Bassett, Pres. 



F. N. Kneeland, Vice-Pres. 



Oliver B. Bradley, Cashier. 



irst National Bank 



Northampton 



Do Your Banking Business with Us. 



Deposits Received by Mail will 
be Promptly Acknowledged 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



Thomas S. Childs 

(Incorporated) 

275 HIGH ST., HOLYOKE 



We are Showing 

Exceptionally Choice Assortments 

-Of- 

Shoes and Hosiery 

For Every Day Wear 
Commencement and Vacation 



Our mammoth assortments and 
reasonable prices make it well worth 
your while to be fitted here. 



Excellent 

Dining Car 

Service 




Comfortable 

Enjoyable 

Travel 



Best Trains West 



12.45 p. m. 
2.55 p. m. 

4.37 p. m. 

7.25 p. m. 



Leave Springfield 

•For Buffalo, Toledo, Elkhart, South Bend and 

Chicago. 

•20th Century Limited. Arrives Pittsburg 

7.15 a. m., Chicago 9.45 next morning. 

-For Cleveland, Columbus, Dayton, Cincinnati, 
Indianapolis. St. Louis, Detroit and Chicago. 

For Buffalo, St. Thomas, Detroit, Jackson, 
Saginaw, Bay City, Battle Creek, Kalamazoo, 
Cleveland and Chicago. 

-For Syracuse, Buffalo and New York State 
points. 



10.28 p. m. 

Stop-over at Niagara Falls — no extra charge 

Boston & Albany R. R. 

(N. Y. C. R. R. Co., Lessee) 



Information 

Concerning Tickets 

will be gladly 

furnished 



"NEWYORK 

((entral) 

^ . LINES ^ ^ 



upon request to 
James Gray, D. P. A. 
119 Worthington St., 
Springfield, Mass. 



Follow the Yellow Signs 



-TO- 



otljp "iionolurk" 

HOL YOKE'S LEADING HOTEL 

On the direct route to the Deerfield Valley, 

Mohawk Trail and White 

Mountains 

TOURISTS WELCOME 



Under the Direction of 



United Hotels Company 

Gorham Benedict, Manager 




Caps and Gowns 

Makers to 

Massachusetts Agricultural, Amtierst, Brown, Yale 
and many others 

Faculty Gowns and Hoods 

Pulpit, Choir and Judicial Robes 

Cox Sons & Vining 

72 Madison Ave., New York 



MENTION THE SQUIB 




,.-sSSi 



Loyal sons of old Massachusetts, 
Faithful, sturdy sons and true 
To our grand old Alma Mater 
Let our song resound anew. 
Cheer, boys, cheer for old Massachusetts 
Give our College three times three; 
Sons forever of the old Bay State, 
Loyal sons, loyal sons are we. 



I 







H 



M 



HERE'S ONE TO ROOST ON 
IRAM — "Jeke says he is afraid to go into the 
chicken house." 
Jake— "Why is that?" 
Hiram — "Oh the hens are all laying for him." 

OTHER — Do you smoke those cheap cigar- 
ettes? 
Collegiate — Oh, Helmar no. 



DEFINITIONS OF THREE COLLEGES 
ORYN ]\IAWR— How much money has he? 
*-' Mt. Holyoke — How much does he know? 

Smith — Where is he? 



COLLEGE BRED 

SHE — Are your boys going back to Aggie next 
year? 
Mother — Certainly, I want them to be college 
bred. 

She — Rather a four years loaf, don't you think? 



HE — Why do they have so much pure air in the 
country ? 
Haw — Because the farmers sleep with their 
windows closed. 



PORT— "What's on the other side of that bill- 
board? " 
Brainy — "Nothing but blank verse." 



PRACTICAL AGRICULTURE 
PRESHMAN — "Is there any practical use for 
* fifth and sixth roots? " 

Professor — "Well, if you are going to study 
agriculture you ought to know something about 
roots." 



LEAD IN A HARD WAY 
RITE — Hard lines for that guy. 
Now — How's that? 
Write — He just bought a 5H pencil. 



w 



IN THE TRENCHES 
J^LAM — I see by the papers that the French 
' soldiers ai'e all wearing steel helmets. 
Bang — That seems like a headstrong thing to do. 



>:^ XT. 



ii^ 




MY SUMMER GIRL 

THE girl who meets me at the beach 
Is shyly clothed, and shy; 
She sure is nothing but a peach, 
Which you can hardly deny. 

She's quite the nicest girl I know. 

She has such a witching way. 
And when I take her to a show 

All the boys have something to say. 

But when it comes to swimming 
She's there four different %vays. 

For she's not like the rest of the "Wimmin' 
She knows what the wild waves say. 






PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 




Associates 
H. A. PRATT '17 
F. K. BAKER '18 



Business Manager 
A. BOOTH '17 

Circulating Manager 
D. M. LIPSHIRES '18 



I. W. INGALLS 
H. B. PEIRSON 


18 
'19 


Assistants 
A. J. WING '19 




$1.25 A YEAR 


"QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 


15 CENTS A COPY 


All contributions should be addressed to the Editor-in-Chief, 
in the annual elections to the board. Business covimunications sho 
Business Manager. 


They will be given credit 
uld be addressed to the 


Second Class Mail Matter at Amherst P. 0- 


Vol. II. 


JUNE, 1916 


No. 


10 




AU REVOIR 



HIS is the farewell number and the time 
will soon be here when the long suffer- 
ing communities will be saturated with 
the annual crop of M. A. C. graduates. 
The people of the communities will eye 
them suspiciously and even Cupid will 
follow them to the end of the earth until 
he has accomplished his mission. Is 
it not cruel to throw these celebrities 
out into the cold world, with the air of 
responsibility hovering about their forms.'' 
But now is the time for them to get 
busy before the plums are shaken from 
the plum-tree. We could write at 
length on the oscillating heart throbs 
that we feel on the "eve" of their de- 
which the Class of 1916 has accomplished 



departure, but we won't. We could tabulate a long list of things 

for the institution, but we won't. We might even pass a few bits of advice to them as an aid to their 

endeavors to become leaders in this world, but we won't. We could praise them everlastingly, but all 



THE SQUIB 



we have to say now is Good Bye — or if you prefer — "Auf Wiedersehen, or Au revoir. May they come back 
to us as faithful Alumni and always keep at heart the everlasting spirit of "Old Aggie." 




'NCE again the bread (college bred) which has been cast out upon the waters of life returns 
to little Old Aggie grown big, in the shape of Alumni. Two conflicting thoughts are present, 
that of the alumni wishing themselves in our boots having a corking time sweating blood 
over intensely interesting books and that of we poor studes in some cases stewds year ing 
for the life that is to come when we shall go out to battle with the foaming waters or beverages 
of life. We have our future already planned. First we will marry the prom girl, sweet thing. 
Then in a few years as we are coming home from the office after the day's work is depleted, and 
mount the porch steps we shall be greeted by our little offsprouts climbing on our shoulders, while in the 
door way stands the girl you took to every informal and to whom you proposed at the prom, now the 
mother of your children with a rolling pin in her uplifted hand. (The uplift due to attending the Rob- 
bins Champagne) Such has been the good fortune of the alumni. The alumni, some aluminum alumni 
look over the frosh of their respective fraternities and wonder if they ever could have actually been as 
chlorophyllitic as this bunch. The frosh in turn do some wondering, trying to figure out how long it will 
take them to grow a food filter. However, we will have to hand it to our alumni, the men who have 
handed us our new field, and pass over their startling indei^endence for cuts, other than razor. We hope 
that they will take a fancy to the Squib and have him sent once a month to their homes or at least where 
their wife lives. 



INCE the time is near when we shall all depart for the summer, it seems feasible to bang 
to our minds the watch word of the college "Boost Old Aggie." Service to the college is 
an ideal which we all cherish. During the coming summer many of us will probably meet 
a number of preparatory school men who intend to go to college, but in whose minds no 
definite place has been fixed. It often lies in our power to exert considerable influence on 
these men and a few words may result in their choosing M. A. C for their Alma Mater. 
Be on the watch for these men and your influences will prove successful. 




HE 1916 Squib Board greets you for the last time. In the next number which will appear 
as the Freshmen Number the New Board will endeavor to carry out the good example 
set by the Old Board. Perhaps the Squib has not been an absolute success this year — we 
are sure it will be next year. Perhaps the editorials have not been startling enough — we will 
startle you further next year. At the last meeting of the Board we were imbued with 
the desire to do something big for a good start. As a result L. C. Higgins '18, I. W. In- 
galls '18, H. B. Peirson '19 were elected to the editorial staff and A. Booth '17, D. M. Lipshires '18, A. 
J. Wing '19 to the business staff. 

Good luck to them all in their future mixing of the ingredients for the Squib. 





THE SQUIB- 




MANY have wondered, 
And justly so — 
The reason for it 
We do not know — 

Why the tickets for the hop were so few; 
But take a look 
And you'll admit 
That on the floor 
There will be a close fit 
If the Styles of all the dresses are new. 

<s> 

FOTOGRAFICALLY SPEAKING 

SENIOR — See here, I don't like the finish you 
gave to my photographs. 
Photographer — Well, look what you gave me to 
start with. 

HEARD AMONG THE FUMES 

CHEM. PROF, to Frosh— Give that pottasium 
cyanide to the assistant, and he will take it 
over in the corner. 

Frosh — If he only would. 

STUDENTS ALSO 

CHEM. PROF. — In what group does antimony 
belong? 
Sleeping beauty — The anti-money group. Why, 
er the Socialists come under that group. 



MRS. BROWN — "I am going to paint in the 
spring." 
Mrs. Jones — "Well, between you and me, I 
have been doing it since spring." 

# 

MAJOR LOOK 

COUNT OFF— Are you men shooting well? " 
General Discipline — Yes, they won four 
dollars from the New Zealanders." 

THINGS THAT INEVITABLY FOLLOW 

Fish for dinner Fish cakes for Supper 

Steak for d nner Hamburg cakes for suppe- 

Beef for dinner Hash cakes for supper 

Chicken for dinner Croquets for supper 

m 

THE GAME OF LOVE 

¥ If. was love and so was she 

^ ^ When they started to play the game. 

And she was love at fif't, thirty, and forty 

But old Father time got in his story. 

Then came the time when love ceased to remain, 

And the whole thing ended in simply a deuce game. 

PRAYERS 

ROOM mate — "Shut up, wil you?" 
Bed mate — "Why do you want me to shut up ?" 
Room mate — "I want to say my prayers." 

THE CAUSE OF A LIMITED NUMBBR OF 
TICKETS TO THE HOP THIS YEAR. 

Big skirts — no room. 

mum, 

SENIORS 

' I 'his is worse than Studying 
* Look what you're coming to. 





B 



TENNIS WORSE THAN TWO 
ILL — "How did you come out in your tennis 
match with May? " 
Hen. — "Oh, I loved her and she hated me for it." 



THE SQUIB 




''■^■^^^--'^■^^4m0kr^^ 



IT'S A HARD LIFE 



WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? 

THAT'S the provoking question all the know- 
nothings are asking the Senior these days. 
The very idea of presuming to ask a dignified 
Senior that! Give the man a chance to find out 
himself, before you expect him to enlighten you 
on the subject. 

Nevei-theless, it would no doubt be a bit 
amusing if we could get up high enough some- 
where and get a birdseye view of the seniors about 
a year from now. By that time those that are 
physically normal should have recuperated suf- 
ficiently from their four years of hard labor to 
start out and earn their daily bread instead of 
asking to have it given to them. You would 
probably see one ofi^ in a cornier trying to make 
the stony back pasture his father willed him into 
a scientific farm. He has our sympathy and 
deserves his daily bread. Another would prob- 
ably be forsaking his cozy bed to get up and milk 
the cows about the time some of us would be 
crawling in between the sheets. No doubt there 
would be others up at that early hour of the morn- 
ing, but how do we see them? Walking up and 
down the floor with a wee squalling bundle in 
their arms. You need an Agricultural College 
education even for that. 



YOU AUTO KNOW 

JIM — "What is the difference between a garage 
and garbage? " 
James — "Why one is hollow and the other isn't." 
Jim — "You lose, one has a bee in it and the 
other hasn't," 



Ask the Juniors what they are going to do- 
Why they are going to be dignified Seniors next 
year. 'Nuff said. 

And what about the Sophs? They are trying 
to decide what they are going to major in just 
now. So we can't tell you what they will be 
doing until they make up their minds on this 
vital subject. They may be out in the backyard 
digging worms, bugs, we mean, or they may 
have a few camping parties on the "Reservation", 
or trying to make a hen hatch a china egg, or 
most anything else that is not understandable. 

The Freshmen are just waiting to reap ven- 
geance on the poor, unsuspecting creatures whom 
we have not yet met. If they only knew what 
was coming to them! Well, it will furnish some 
excitement anyway. 



A PARTY of traveling men in a Chicago hotel 
*^ were one day boasting of the business done 
by their respective firms, when one of the drum- 
mers said: 

"No house in the country, I am proud to say, 
has more men and women pushing its line of 
goods than mine." 

"What do you sell?" He was asked. 

"Baby carriages" he said as he fled from the 
room. — Ex. 



H 



AROLD — "Did you notice how quiet it was 
in church today? " 
Ralph — "Yes, I even heard my gum drop." 




OUT-DOOR S 



COLD PUDDING 



THAT WAS SURE ROARFUL 



^JICK — What dessert is it that Niagara Falls ^^LD LADY — What was that terrible noise 



for? 
Dick — Ice jam. 



the distance? 
Youngj^Man — Oh that was just one of the 
booming powder towns, 




>RTS AT AGGIE 



SOME 'ER JOB 



WITH A GRAIN OF SALT 



JIM— What kind of a job have you got for the liillSTRESS— Have you the ice-cream made for 

summer? ^'*' dinner? 

Jams— One that's on the level. Maid— No, the salt petred out. 
Jim — What doing, laying bricks? 
Jams — No, surveying. 



-THE SQUIB- 

THE LAST BLOW 



TIME: The dark ages. 
PLACE: Police Recreation center. 
CHARACTERS (SOFT): Student mob. Piano- 
ist with corner of eye on 
screen. 
(HARD) : Melvin Shaves (some- 
times) . 
Smoothy ]\Iyth, the movie maggot 
Retinue of pohce lab. assistants, 
(from across the Rubi Con- 
necticut.) 
SCENE I. 
PLACE, the Tencent Haul of Film, Expectant- 
faced student mob, seated in the floorground, 
smoking defiantly and Camels. Also . . . Smoo- 
thy Myth inserted in the background of the Haul, 
with his rusty band of very plain old clothesmen, 
hirkingly scattered throughout the audience. 

SMOOTHY (glancing at the unruly mob) — 
Them student fellers are actin kind of funny ter- 
night. If they get ter raisin tranation, we'll 
settle their hash. By hen! ! 

MELVIN (i-eassuring the nervous maggot) — 
We got plenty of hired help around here ternight, 
from our sister city, Northampton, yer know. 

LOVE SCENE (on the screen)— Loud rumble 
among students. One titter, three cackles and 
four giggles (Smoothy counted them). 

LOVERS KISS (business of headon collision) — ■ 
Smack! not kisses, but heavy Irish confetti floats 
on ether waves. Turmoil, confusion, wreckage, 
pandemonium, HELL . . . 

MELVIN — Turn them lights on and folly me. 
Grab any student you jedge you can handle. 

SMOOTHY MYTH (grabbing meek-looking 
student) — See here, young feller, don't be stub- 
born to a ossifer. I seen you breakin the lawrs 
of the taown. 

STUDENT— Gracious! Really, sir you have 
the wrong person. I never did an unlady-like 
thing in my whole life, and the last thing my mother 
said before I left for college was "Now Percy, 
darling, promise me you won't raise hell at the 
movies." 

SMOOTHY (almost reduced to tears by the 
tender appeal) — Drags him with a sterner grip 
bouncing over the chairs, out into the street. 
Here there are three fellow disturbers of the peace, 
held by the strong arm of the law, which the mob 
tries to put in a sling. 



SCENE II. 

PLACE — In the street, with student mob, 
Fords, and banana peels. 

Police Force Ltd. Florid and Puffing. Quick 
sale of antique eggs, which egg on the police to 
the jug. Cries of "Crown Smoothy Myth ! ! " 
heard from bloodthirsty pharynxes. 

STLTDENT — Let me explain, I was s tting . . . 

MELVIN (between puffs)— No you can't fool 
me, you be one of them dangerous characters. 
Don't I read the Police Gazette? ? 

Students are then locked in the "jug," and do 
not escape thru the cracks like the other insects, 
who have evaded like sentences. 

WEAK (the baker, a lab ass) — Is mysteriously 
refrigerated by a ferocious fist. 

MELVIN— You boys will ketch the o'd Harry 
in the mornin. If I was a jedge, I'd give you a 
darn long sentence, I tell yer. 

STUDENTS (invite him to a place where his 
buttons w'U melt) — Give us a drink, Melvin. 

MELVIN (reaching to his hip pocket) — No, 
you boys can't have none. I'll get you some water 
bimeby. (Sarcastically adds) I hope you have a 
pleasant night (policemen must have their little 
jokes). 

ASBESTOS CURTAIN (to protect Melvin 
from his future home.) 

SCENE III 

IN COURT: 

Large cheering section with tense suppressed 
emotion, tear-eyed, gape the proceedings. The 
judge with the courage of his convictions, reads: 

FIRST STUDENT— Guilty. 

SECOND STUDENT— Guilty. 

THIRD STUDENT— Guilty. 

FOURTH STUDENT— Guilty. 

Then the janitor, disregarding the applause, 
starts to do his duty. Thus the courtroom is 
cleared up. 



# 



VERY ORDINARY, INDEED 

BINGHAM — That was a very common thing 
for Jack to do, it seems to me. 
Bangham — What was it? 

Bingham — He was walking on the town green- 
Bangham — Well he did it on the square anyhow- 



10 



-THE SQUIB- 




"THE BIG THREE" 

"Beware or They icill Get You" 



BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 

Becky and Hymen were going to marry 

But months came along and still d"d they tarry 

First was October, then a delay 

Because Hymie didn't get a raise in his pay. 

Then came December, and it seemed that fate 
Would allow these two at last to mate. 
But no, not yet, some other excuse — 
They were not tied, but went around loose. 

So January came with frost and snow 
And Hymie still, did lack the dough. 
The insurance business was on the bum 
And Hymie lacked the required sum. 

When February came they lacked a bed 
So a boriowed one they'll use instead. 
At last we hope they'll wed, by heck 
For this couple gives us a pain in the ncek. 



IF HAMP WERE ONLY DRY 

This is What Albd Him 

FIRST FELLUOUGH— I understand that Jack's 
Dad strenuously objects strongly to amber 
brown sun glasses. 

Next Fellough — No, it's to his son's glasses of 
the amber brown, that he objects. 



AVHAT COMMENCEMENT MEANS 

COMMENCEMENT means that you have 
to commence getting up early and staying 
in nights. You must commence to save for a 
bungalow, and the support of what wears a bungalow 
apron. It means that you must commence to cease 
to do many things, such as, cross the town ' oun- 
dary three times a week, and eat at seven different 
gi'ubshops for six consecutive meals. Commence- 
ment means that you will have to stop beginning to 
start things, such as roughhouses on the stairs 
and cooing noises in public amusement dives. 
It means that you must commence raising a 
moustache and a family if you are not already 
at it. You must commence to use the door as 
an exit, not the fire escape, and must push a per- 
ambulator instead of a jimmy pipe, or both. You 
must commence to dress in civilian clothes, lest 
you be taken for a "hobo sapiens." You must 
commence many things disagreeable and trivial 
but, niost of all you commence being a man arid 
a loyal alumnus of your alma mater, so rest easier 
in your cap and gown. 

Moral: Every black robe is not a shroud. Cheer 
up, bong voyage!!! 

ISAAC — "Vot are you planning to make your 
thesis on.'' " 
Jacob — "Veil I've been thinking of 'vinding a 
way to take the post-mark off from old postage 
stamps so dat ve vont hav 'ter buy uny new ones." 



11 



THE SQUIB 




"HIS BEST MAJOR" 



THE HOP 

ON the night before the twenty-first 
There will be some hard work done, 
From eight o'clock in the evening 
Until the rising oi the sun. 

You will see the cars unload them — 
Well-groomed men and pretty girls. 
All dressed in the latest fashion, 
Flashing diamonds, and pearls. 

They'll waltz, and walk, and fox-trot, 
Till the perspiration off them pours. 
Then the boys will take their coats off 
And throw open all the doors. 

At midnight for a while they tarry 
In the hash-house banquet hall. 
While the neat, white-coated waiters 
Come and go at their beck and call. 

Here hilarity runs high 

While they fill the empty spaces, 

Reflected is the hour's joy 

On all the happy, smiling faces. 



One is making funny animals 
By sticking toothpicks in the rolls, 
Another in the table linen 
With his knife is cutting holes. 

Then back again to trot some more, 
'Til the first faint glimpse of dawn. 
Then ambition seems to waver — 
Most of the hilarity is gone. 

The next day they feel bent and broken. 
Financially and otherwise; 
But they'll do the same stunt over 
As long as money such pleasure buys. 

Just suppose some one should ask them 
In profitable labor that time to spend 
You'd be likely to hear a few objections 
And pitiful wails the air would rend. 

"A fool there was", friend Kipling said — ■ 
And as far as we can see. 

There's another one born every day in the year, 
So there will always a fool be. 



12 



-THE SQUIB- 




ROSE arose to put some rose on her cheeks to 
make them rosy. Clara said that Will had 
cheek to say the rose on Rose's cheek was not a 
natural rose. Will said Clara has two cheeks, 
which is worse than having cheek to say the rose on 
Rose's cheeks is not a natural rose 



XPEARIENCE 

Two little hen eggs, rested on the table. 

Both of them came with the ' New Laid' abel, 

I broke one up and I got a surprise, 

To open the other, I thot not wise. 

Neyther a borrower nor a lender be. 

If an erstwhile friend has done you for a fiver 

or a ten 
It's the proper thing to dun him both in person 

and by pen. 
But if you are the one who did the doing that 

was done, 
All talk and correspondence cease, lest he should 

try to dun. 



CONTEMPORANEOUS HISTORY 

AT the Aggie commencement in 1976, there 
were a dearth of victuals and beds, all the 
houses were congested to the full, and even the 
Amherst House hung a newspaper over their 
signj"Rooms to Let." People starved, and went 
unslept, for days at a time. Barns in North 
Amherst were entered by force and forage crops 
devoured. The poultry plant kept only one hen 
that was in a box with coccidiosis, the visitors, 
the brilliant commencement guests got the rest 
of them, not a feather remained. The mail carrier 
was assaulted and robbed of several packets of 
government seeds, which they swallowed between 
gulps of ravine water. 

The sleeping accommodations were terrifically 
few. Men kncicked a couple of bricks from the 
chimney at the Power Plant and in the crevice 
thus made sought rest during the off hours of the 
seige. Tie Arena, was jammed. One woman 
asked her husband to cut 1 er a steak from the 
plaster model of a cow, and the baled hay in the 
young stock barn was entirely conmanderered. 
Two brave and cool-headed alumni tore a door from 
the chapel and launching it in the pond, pushed 
out into deep water and there dozed on it. Flat 
roofs did a land office business and many Fords 
vacated their garages that the innumerable guests 
might be covered from the moon's fatal rays, and 
the jjiercing night air of middle June. 





CLASS SING REHEARSAL 

'And a Goodly Crowd was There." 



13 



The Shoes of Perfect Satisfaction 
at 

Fleming's Boot Shop 

211 Main Street 

We invite you to inspect 
our outing shoes 

NORTHAMPTON, - MASS. 



Phelps & Gare 



112 Main Street 
Northampton, Mass^ 

"Massachusetts Men" welcome to 
look over our stock at any time. 



It s important this season more than 
ever to buy your suit where the store 
guarantees satisfaction, or return of 
your money. 

We as usual, protect our customers. 
Suits from $15. to $30. 

We have selected our goods for 
spring with unusual care. 

White Flannel Trousers $4., $5. and 
$6.50. 

MERRITT CLARK & CO. 

144 Main St. NORTHAMPTON 



BECKMANN'S 

ALWAYS FOR THE BEST 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 

247-249 Main Street 
Northampton 



Have You Seen Our 

Outing Suits and Sport coats 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx models 

Sanderson and 
Thompson ^ 



Croysdale nn 
and Tea Rooms 

SOUTH HADLEY, MASS. 
Welcomes Your Patronage 

Meals and Rooms for 25 
' ' A ggie ' ' Commencement 
Guests. 

Tel. Holyoke 2628-W 



Ike — I am desirous of being intro- 
duced to a girl in the gas works. 
Could I go down the cellar to meter.' 
— Michigan Technic. 



YOUR EYES 

Examined by the most 
approved Methods 



Pullman Porter — Next stop is your 
station, sah. Shall I brush you off, 
now.f" 

Morton Moros- — No; it isn't ne- 
cessary. When the train stops, I'll 
get off. 

— Judge. 



50—50 
Student (trying to pick her up) — 
The fellows bet me a dollar, I didn't 
dare speak to you. You don't mind 
do you? 

Beautiful Girl. — Not at all. Run 
along now and get your dollar. 

— The WidovK 



Mr. Dudds — Why do you always 
stand before the mirror while dress- 
ing? 

Mrs. Dudds — To see what is going 
on of course. 

—Puck. 



Your glasses designed 
for the most becom- 
ing effect 



OSCAR L Mcculloch 

Optometrist Optician 

54 Suffolk St., Holyoke, Mass. 



Order Cooking 



Specials 



The Elms Restaurant 




Best Quality Food 
Moderate Prices 

E. G. DILL, Proprietor 

213 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON 



"Ye Aggie Inn" 

"Everything is so Tasty" 



Student Supplies of all kinds in our store 



Ingersol Watches 
in Celluloid Cases $1.00 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 




THE, CENTLIi Of NEW \OR.I\ 



Stop at the Woodstock 

FORTY-THIRD ST., NEAR BROADWAY 



Single Room, with Bath - - 



- $2.00 to $3.00 for one 



.3,^^ Single Room, with Bath and Two Beds, $4.00 to $5.00 for two 



Located just off Times Square 

HOTEL WOODSTOCK 

is within a handy walk of everything — ^terminals — subways — elevateds — surface 
lines — theatres and clubs, yet you can have quiet, refinement, and service withal. 



^-■* 



European plan restaurant 
unexcelled tor its cuisine 



Wrile for our Map of New York 



Service and accommodations unsur- 
passed for completness and efficiency 



W. H. VALIQUETTE 

Managing Director 



E. SINGLETON 

Asst. Manager 



"How did you come out in the ex- 
amination, Terrance?" 

"Knocked the blooming thing cold, 
Cholly." 

"That so?" 

"Yes, almost down to zero." 

— Sun-Dial. 



"Gee, Doi-othy, I haven't got a 
cent with me." 

"Well, it doesn't matter. Every- 
body knows you, here, don't they?" 

He — Unfortunately they do. 

— Siren. 



She (thoughtfully) — Did you ever 
think much about reincarnation, 
dear? 

'18 (otherwise)— Think about it? 
I eat it nearly every day — only we 
call it hash. 

— Tiger. 



Hunt — I was just about to take a 
shot at the skunk when he ran away. 
Runt — Got away strong, eh? 

— J ack-o' -Lantern. 



A Good Place to Eat 



The Ideal Lunch 

S. J. HALL, Prop. 



Excellent Service 



Fine Cuisine 



40 MAIN STREET 
NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



Protection Glasses with Colored Lenses 

Eyesight is too precious to take chances with. Big, 
roomy eye protectors that are comfortable and easy-fitting 
will avoid the chance of accident, relieve eye-strain and 
prevent headaches. For long motor trips they are indis- 
pensable for the driver and the passengers. We have a 
liberally large line for you to select from. 

O. T. DEWHURST 

Maker of Perfect Fitting Glasses 

201 Main St. Opposite City Hall 

Northampton, Mass. Telephone 184-W 



CO-OPERATION IS THE KEYNOTE OF SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS 



Compliments of 



E. D. Marsh Estate 



STUDENT FURNITURE 



Bowling is the favorite Spring 
and Summer exercise 



Metcalf s Bowling Alleys 



Alleys May be Reserved in 
Advance 



Stationery, Blank Books and 
Fountain Pens 

19 18 and 1919 
COLLEGE STATIONERY 



A. G. Hastings 



Newsdealer and Stationer 



GILMORE THEATRE 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 



four Days Every Week Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 



Perfectly appointed rooms for 
your guests 

Attractive Dining Room 



Exceptional Cuisine 
Telephone 8351 



Henry Adams Co. 

Cbe fiD» H. g. 
2)rugQist0 ^ 

Candies and Ices 

Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



PASSE? 

"Would you mind telling nae what 
time it is, Jackie, dear," she purred 
as she stretched out in the hot sands 
to disclose a well formed ankle on 
which a watch nestled contentedly 
in its leather straps. 

"Kittie," he said, hurt almost be- 
yond words — "I never expected to 
find hands there." 

— Punch Bowl. 



She — Why is a kiss over the tele- 
phone like a straw hat? 
He — Because it isn't felt. 

— Brunonian. 



"As the party is off we will have 
nothing on for the afternoon." 

"Then we has better go in swim- 
ing." 

— Punch Boivl 



NOT PRECISELY WHAT HE 

MEANT TO SAY 
The Girl's Mother--And do you 
think my daughter can live on your 
salary? 

The Steady Company — Why not? 
Other women have. 

—Puck. 



"For the Land's 
Sake" 



BOWKER 



UNDERWOOD 

TYPEWRITE 




The next best thing to owning one is 

RENTING 

AN 
UNDERWOOD 



"The Machine You Eventually Buy" 



Underwood Typewriter Co. 



245 Worthington St. 



SPRINGFIELD, 



MASS. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



R. F.Armstrong & Son 



Commencement 

Days will soon be here. Let us show 
you our line of suits ranging in price 
from $12.50 to $25.00. 

80 Main St., Northampton, Mass. 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 
The Best Place To Dine 

GOOD FOOD PROPERLY PREPARED 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

50 Cent Luncheon from 1 L30 to 2 P. M. 
Special Dishes at All Hours 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Bay State Dye House 

Northampton, 15 Masonic St. 



SCOTTY HOOPER, 
Amherst Agent 

You are getting out your flannels, 
have them cleaned by our process. 
Better than the rest. We will serve 
you to your full satisfaction. Give 
us a trial. 

Just bring your suit or trousers to 
Scotty, we will do the rest. 



Woodward's Lunch 

27 Main Street, Masonic Block 



LUNCHES— SODA— ICE CREAM 



Closed only from 1 a. m. to 4 a. m. 



F. W. WOODWARD, Prop. 



Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park & Tilford, MaiUards 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 

satisfactory will be replaced or 

money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



UNCHECKED 
"How did the teller get his cold?" 
"All the drafts in the bank go 
through his cage." 

— Boston Transcript. 



"Oh, I had ta laugh. I wasn't 
even in the submarine. Neither was 
Jim and when we asked the Kaiser 
who was responsible for sinking the 
battleship, he said, 'U2.' 

—Froth. 



"Don't you think my mustache 
becoming?" asked a senior of his part- 
ner. 

"Well," replied the fair one, "it may 
be coming, but it certaiialy hasn't 
arrived yet." 

— Gargoyle. 



HE WASN'T FIRST 

She (just kissed by him) — How 
dare you? Papa said he would kill 
the first man who kissed me." 

He — How interesting. And did he 
do it.' — Judge. 



CHAPTER FROM A TRAGIC 
TALE 

"An' I said, 'Jump; we'll hold the 
blanket,' an' gosh, I hadda laugh, 
'cause we didn't have no blanket — " 

— Harvard Lampoon. 



Prof. — What is the value of a ver- 
bal contract? 

Freshman — Why, a verbal con- 
tract isn't worth the paper it's written 
on. 

— Punch Bowl. 



Transcript Photo 
Engraving Company 

North Adams, Mass. 



wa? 



Engravers of Merit 

We solicit work in College Publications 
GET OUR RATES 



Telephones S494--39S 

THE ASIA 

RESTAURANT 

First Class Appointments 
Telephone Orders Given Careful Attention 

218 Worthingfon St. SPRINGFIELD, MASS. 



Some people live to eat. Others eat to live 

Boyden's Restaurant 

SERVES ALL 

Delicious Dishes Best of Service 

Catering 

Facilities for College Banquets 

196 Main St., Northampton 



MEN WHO ADVERTISE HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW 



Shoes that Look Well 
and Fit Well 

E. ALBERTS 

241 Main Street 

opp. Clarke Library 

NORTHAMPTON 
GEORGE HARDING, '19, Agent 



ARTHUR P. WOOD 

^he JeWel 

Store 



Also 
THE WATCH AND CLOCK HOSPITAL 

197 Main St. Northampton, Mass. 

Telephone 1307 -M 



Compliments ot 

A. J. GALLUP, INC 

We sell 

Hart Schaffner & Marx 
Clothes 



293-297 High St. 



Holyoke, Mass. 



Our Food Has That Tasty Taste 
Which Reminds You of Home 



North End Lunch 



On the Left as You Enter 
the Campus 



DOOLEY'S INN 

HOLYOKE 

CT1 iTVi GaisJEij 133 

The Happy Hunting Grounds 
for Ye Aggie Men 

BHaasiffl 

MEALS SERVED AT ALL 
HOURS 



"Say, jeweler, why don't my 
watch keep good time?" 

"The hands won't behave, sir; 
there's a pretty girl in the case." 

— Widoiv. 



Richguy — What's your ideal of a 
Hop girl? 

Hardup — Well, she must dislike 
flowers; be afraid to ride in a taxi; 
think it perfectly foolish to sleep at 
all; have a return railroad ticket; and 
be just too excited to eat. 

— Record. 



She — Do you keep a diary? 
He — No; it wouldn't be fair to the 
girl I marry. 

— Record. 



GOOD SALESMANSHIP 

Buyer — I bought this toy here 
yesterday, but when I wound it up 
at home it wouldn't go. 

Seller — That's the idea exactly, 
sir! That's our automatic tramp, 
and it wont work. 

— Judge. 



PREPAREDNESS IN THE DARK 
AGES 

"You gonna fight fo' yo' country 
in de wor?" 

"Gwan away nigger — what'y I 
want wid fight fo' country — I'se a 
city nigga." 

— Pennsylvania Punch Bond. 



"Marriage is a lottery." 
"Not with these cobweb clothes 
the women are wearing now." 

— J ack-o' -Lantern. 



It is better to 
have your 

U^rintiuG 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printing— IRuIina—BinMng 

North Adams, Mass. 



Wholesome old fashion food served 

in the most modern 

manner at the 

COLONIAL INN 

At the entrance to the campus 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 




Quality First 




IT'S OFF LIKE A PUNT— THE LONG-LIVED 3400 R.P.M. CHALMERS— $1090 



LiJ"^ the heroes of track and gridiron, this 
3400 r. p. m. Chalmers knows the fine athletic 
art of saving itself from strain — of holding back 
great reserves of power for bursts of per- 
formance. 

The vast margin of reserve between all 
normal needs and this wonderful engine's safe 
crank-shaft speed-limit of 3400 revolutions per 
minute explains this car's astonishing length 
of life, its 18 miles on a gallon of gas, and 
its enormous range of performance on high. 

It's off like a punt from a kicker's toe. It 
takes hills with the grace and ease of a hurdler 
skimming over the bars. It accelerates like a 
leaf in an autumn gale. It passes over roads 
as smoothly as a monoplane. 



Over 15,000 owners now swear by 3400 
r. p. m. It's guaranteed by a book of service 
inspection coupons, negotiable at any Chalmers 
dealer, anywhere. 

In Oriford maroon or Meteor blue this car 
is fascinating. The Cabriolet comes also in 
Valentine green. Wire wheels optional at 
extra cost on Roadster or Cabriolet, in white, 
red, primrose yellow, or black. Look these 
cars over before they're all gone. 

Five-Passenger Touring Car, $1090 Detroit 
Two- Passenger Roadster, $1070 Detroit 

Three-Passenger Cabriolet, $1440 Detroit 



Chalmers jViclOI Company, 



Detroit 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 




ESfss 



475 



Look and wear better than the ordinary — A 
very wide range of styles at your haberdashers 
Cluett, Peabody & Co., Inc., Makers, Troy, N. Y. 





PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 



Editor-in-Chief 
F. C. LARSON '17 

Associate Editor 
L. T. BUCKMAN '17 

Editorial Staff 
L. C. HIGGINS '18 
I. W. INGALLS '18 
H. B. PIERSON '19 

$1.25 A YEAR 



Art Editor 
H. A. PRATT '17 



Art Staff 
F. K. BAKER '18 
W. A. HATHAWAY 



19 



Business Manager 
A. BOOTH '17 



Asst. Business Mgr. 
A. J. WING '19 



'QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 



15 CENTS A COPY 



All contributions should be addressed to the Editor-in-Chief. They will be given credit 
in the annual elections to the board. Business communications should he addressed to the 
Business Manager 1°2 South Cc 



Entered as second-class matter January 31, 1916 at the post office at Amherst, Mass. 



Vol. 111. 



OCTOBER, 1916 



No. 1 



X consequence of the opening of college, Sqiiibhy takes 
it upon himself the work of welcoming back the under- 
graduates and of greeting another entering class of 
greenlings who have put their feet on the threshold 
of dear "Old Aggie". We are surely glad to look into 
their smiling faces and welcome them back after an 
exciting summer remarkable for its epidemics, strikes 
and heartrending incidents. Once again autumn is 
with us and Mr. Infantile Paralysis has quarantined 
the fair sex in our sister colleges. But be as it may, 
the way of the transgressor is hard and all we can do 
is to endeavor to live up to the watchword of the year, 
"Be Ambitious". We hope that the entering class 
as well as those that are now here will try to make this year the most successful for Aggie. And now 
that Squibbij has duly welcomed you, make yourselves at home on the campus and live up to the rules 
of the Senate. 




THE SQUIB- 




HIS number starts Sqiiibby on another year full of hilarity and 
cheerfulness. But Squibby finds his humor subsiding consider- 
ably, for he feels that he cannot continue to live if he is unable 
to obtain the support of the student body. If you remove the 
sunshine from the rose it cannot exist, then why expect Squibbij 
to stay in the trench when you remove this pecuniary vitality.^ 
Do not let him go to the River Styx just because you would 
rather read your neighbors" cop^^ but endeavor to purchase each 
copy yourself. Every large college in the country has its own 
comic, Harvard has her Lampoon, Yale her Record, etc. Aggie 
has her Squib, but is she supporting it.? Squibby looks for your 
support and is ready to accept any criticism which in any way 
would benefit him, so if you cannot support the paper financially, 
show a little pep by trying to become a member of the board. 



So think it over men, and let us have a prosperous year for the Squib. 




QUIBBY, always thotful for the welfare of his be- 
loved Aggie, was peeved. He had been thinking of 
an incident which happened a year ago, and sud- 
denly his just wrath culminated iii his unsheathing 
of his royal corn-cutter and delivering the following 
edict: Be it known to all the dwellers in the Kingdom 
of Aggie that any attempt to intimidate the people 
who recentl,v came here from the Kingdom of Prep- 
school shall be considered TREASON against His 
Majesty, Squibby, and as a penalty therefor he will 
send his staff on a punitive expedition with the 
pun left out. Long live Aggie! (Beware lest the 
executioner do a death scene, with you as the coro- 
ner's hero). 




HE "Squib", although a strictly non-partisan paper, cannot help but make a 
statement in regards to the political situation at "Aggie." To say it is acute 
is mild — it is exasperating. We were going down the campus the other day 
and a friend asked us if we were for Hughes P After looking him in the eye 
for a minute we said yes, and talk about the hand shake we received. Taft 
and his five thousand hand shakes is a back number. A little further along 
we met another friend who asked us if we were for Hughes. We again said 
yes. Woe and betide, we lost one good tooth, a clean collar, and were other- 
wise considerably mussed up. Since this latter parting we have decided to 
remain neutral — at least until the day to cast our vote comes. American 
politics are surely strenuous, especially when a peace loving citizen has to 
change his mind every two minutes as to his favorite candidate, in order to 
live until voting day. 



THE SQUIB- 




v-hii..j_ 



SECOND ANNUAL MEETING OF THE 
PLOWING TEAM 

MONDAY, Oct 23 members of last year's 
plowing team met down at the sheep barns 
to elect new officers and discuss plans for the 
coming season. The meeting was called to order 
by Manager Flint who, in the absence of Presi- 
dent King Babbitt, acted as chairman. The 
meeting was characterized by much cheering and 
enthusiasm in general as the various reports were 
read off. Last year the team being on its first 
official schedule went through without a defeat 
such well known teams as Wellesley, Vassar, 
Radclifle, Mt. Holyoke and Smith College going 
down to defeat in the order named. Smith Col- 
lege forfeited their meet after seeing our decisive 
victory over their rival, Mt. Holyoke. The fol- 
lowing is a brief account of an article which 
appeared in a well-known Boston paper: 
■'AGGIE TOO STRONG FOR WELLESLEY" 
Plowing Team Wins First Meet of Season 
The plowing team of the Mass. Agri. College 
was too strong for Wellesley, the champions of 
Greater Boston, and therefore scored an easy 
victory. Braves Field was packed with loyal 
rooters of both colleges who cheered their re- 
spective teams on. For the Aggies James Day, 
noted football jjlayer and all-round athlete, 
starred, as it was largely due to his masterly 
handling of the runs that accounted for the final 
outcome. Wellesley was superior on the straight- 
away, but the Farmer's team had the corners 
down to a science. Only one mishap marred the 
meet, this being the breakingof a tug by Wellesley 
which was quickly repaired by handkerchiefs 
collected by women spectators. After the meet 
both teams showed their sportsmanship by hold- 
ing various theatre and dinner parties. The final 
score stood: — Aggie 9 furrows, Wellesley 7 fur- 



This was cited as an example of the widespread 
advertising derived from such a branch of sports. 

Following the reading of the minutes of the 
club the treasurer read his report which showed 
that in spite of the small guarantees received, the 
team was able to close the season free from all 
debts. Large contributions from outside people 
were responsible for this, the list including John 
D. Rockerfeller who showed his interest by send- 
ing in a check for fift.y cents. 

Owing to the discomfiture of the members of 
the team who found it very trying to walk in the 
soft earth, nothing but sulky plow will be used 
this year. This affords all men who find it hard 
work to stand on their feet a chance to make 
their letter by the easier method of sitting down. 
An urgent request is made to the freshman class 
to send out a large delegation to the practices 
which will consist of field demonstrations and 
blackboard talks. The Agronomy Department 
has set aside 20 acres' for the team to practice 
on besides a yoke of oxen which are the best 
motive power attainable for the team. 



# 



IN THE MILLENIUM • 

"Who is that Jones is continually kissing?" 
"My young wife. They have become great 
friends." 



m 



"It must be good fishing around here." 

"Why?" 

"See all the empty bottles." 

— Gargoyle 



THE SQUIB- 




J^yrypiNQr The 9$ 

WHAT Hl<: DREW 

" I 'HE artist and his girlie 
* In the quiet studio sat; 
He had met her in a burlie 
During intermission chat. 

Her slightest wish was to him law, 

It made her only dearer, 
He asked of her "What shall I draw?" 

She said "A little nearer." 

A QUITE well-to-do lady from the country 
visited the city and entered one of the 
larger stores where she looked around for four 
and half hours in search of something of which 
she might like to be the owner. At last the floor 
walker advances, and with a polite bow says, 
"Pardon me madam, but are you here to buy 
something?" 

The lady looked him over from top to toe and 
said, "And what did you think I was here for? " 

The floor walker with another polite bow: "I 
didn't know but you were taking an inventory of 
the stock." 



STOLEN GOODS 

SNIVVERS — I was about to go for a drive 
in my auto this afternoon, but one of the 
cylinders was missing. 

Flivvers — You are lucky, I wanted to go for 
a ride this afternoon and the whole car was missing. 

# 

OVERHEARD AT HASH AGAIN 

•T'UB— I say old chop 

*■ Grub — What are you talking to, this meat 
or to me? 




THOSE HORRID ENGINEERS 

?HE — Are you a strict follower of the Golden 
5 rule? 
He — Nope, the Slide rule for mine. 

1st Frosh — "Got a match?" 

-2nd Frosh— "Yep. Here." 

1st Frosh — "Think I forgot my makings too." 

2nd Frosh — "Well, give me back my match 



then." 



# 



YOUNG lady to army surgeon — "I suppose 
you will marry after the war, doctor." 
Doctor — "No, my dear young lady. After the 
war I want peace." 



THE SQUIB 



THE CORKERS CORKED 

THEY were all talking excitedly, one voice 
rising above the others could be heard 
saying, "That frosh is a corker and we simply 
gotta gettim. He played left fullback at Extra 
Handover last year and has been playing on the 
best prep, school teams in the country for the 
last eight or nine j^ears. And when it comes to 
baseball there is nobody in the country who can 
touch him. He caught more flies in one season 
than Zack Wheat and Tanglefoot combined, and - 
had to carry revolvers to keep such managers as 
Mac Raw and Robemsome from kidnapping 
him. He's a wonder and we gotta take him by 
hook or crook. Now here's the inside dope. 
We as loyal members of Slinga Line Abull have 
got to get him away from that roughneck Delta 
Guya Blow gang, whether the man is any good 
or not, and I tell you they are after him strong 
because only yesterday I saw Jack Rusheni offer 
him a cigarette paper. As for the You Sighs, I 
saw them stuffing his pocket full of pledge pins 
last night downtown in Skiner's drug store. 
The Papa Eata Motza gave him such a corking 
feed at Rahrahs that he thinks possibly he will 
go with them, aiad the Signi Shi Asaloon have 
him dated up for tonight. Our only chance is 
to bid him this afternoon." 

Two members of Slinga Linea Bull were chosen 
for this task, and set out to find I Gotta Repp, 
the boy wonder. They found him in his room 
quietly reading the Dean's Rule Book for 1916. 

"Hello old scout, we have got the best bunch 
in college and we want to have you with us. If 
you want to come with a good live, noisy bunch 
just sign up with us. We are corkers, all of 
us." 

"Well I'll tell you, boys, I want to go with a 

bunch that is quiet because " 

"Gee then you want to come with us, we have 
the quietest bunch on the campus and as for 
athletes, why, the college couldn't get along 
without our bunch." 

"Yes, I suppose so, but I am going in for the 

studies now that I am in college because ■" 

"Then sign up with our bunch and you will 
make no mistake for we lead the whole college as 
far as studies go. Last year we lost only about 
half our men on account of studies, and what 
we are giving you is straight dope absolutely 
no bull. 

"That is probably .so boys, but after I gradu- 
ate I intend to go into the real estate game, and 



I want to join a Imnch that can sling a good line 
of bull." 

Long silence 




YOICHS, HARK AWAY' 

The open season now is on, the trolley men are 

glad. 
And now you guys go over, who wished to go so 

bad. 
Be like a mighty hunter, the chase must never lag. 
But remember the rules of tradition, — one chicken 

makes a bag. 




YOU'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO THEM 

KENNEDY and Lipshires the ex-bell-hops will 
now trill that touching hotel melody, en- 
titled "The Itching Palm." 



THE boarding-house Mrs. who' is noted for 
serving minimum portions of food asked 
her new boarder in her sweetest voice, "How did 
you find the steak this noon, Mr Smith.'" 

Mr Smith, pleasantly, "Quite easily, thank you 
— I am a detective by profession, you know." 



THE SQUIB- 




The person sending in the best title to the 
above picture will receive a year's subscription 
to the Squib. 

Send your answers to 12 South College. 

She — Can a man tell when a woman loves "Prices are going up." 

him.'' "Well, women's skirts have been reduced to 

He — He can, but he ought not to. almost nothing." 

— Record "But they're going up, too." — Sire7i 



Cholly — "Are you going to the fancy dress 
ball.?" 

Agnes — "Oh, no, I have hardly a thing to 
wear." 

Cholly— "Er— isn't that the latest style.?" 

—Froth 



Life Guard (excitedly) — Madam, your poor 
husband has been drowned. 

The Widow (in bathing costume) — And have 
they found his body? 

Guard — No, it's lost. 

W. — Now isn't that too provoking — he had the 
key to our bath house around his neck! 

— Tiger 





iSi' ilir JJlaltjiljiinu'rs 

STiirral linial Agijir lufitmnM' i*"!' »i"'» 

rrpnrtrh 
ilii till' 0lll^rut rum;) at IJbllstin'.l. '"'f" '"'' 'i 

iiuiiilh ^I!l;lOli^^. 
iCittlr i|urutiitiiii fur tiii\ii|: ICtrr lliril l^la^ In 

hit tlir bail:' 
fflrrr thru lUTii lirr^ ,il iiglil. (iftrr Iriiniiiiit 

l|iiui to lujlit? 
flift the turtitu acrm a iii(i( uiri( lljr Xnii ^iirk 

applre lijir-' 
fflrrr lljrir ilamrB In thrtillhtiii i»i. man llii'ir 

Aiwir spirit goiir'' 
Qi^ tifcii laiam tlir iiiai) tii ijinot. ^til thr nfficrra 

liiok nilfV 
Sill tl|rir piittrcti liri'p ilicii ijul. riiiilhtlirij Bit 

upmi a atmil? 
SriiirritB ciirarD' mru tl)rLi (la^iisrb. aii& hiuit 

lanii biD niir fr lliuns lest'' 
ttniilli tlirii marth Ini mtni iiaii, i"iii"i tlicii 

almaija frrl riglit uaii? 
Siil thry Irar a call tn aaiia. )uiyrr talk aiitl 

falsr alarms? 
tOnrr. mit oiirr Mil tli i| rtptm, iiiiArriiratli a 

raiii-Binikrb triit'' 
Krrr lljrir liliiuBraepii aiiilnpiii. fli!itl)rir ilrill 

ulinrii liiilft tljrir taitV 
All IhrBf uuiiifirra uiratbfJ our Jiimr. uir lului 

lia& to Btaij at Inimr. 
0ill tl)rij iilioiu UP u;i lliiKCiai. uilraflucF lifiii 

mrthohii hrrr ? 
ifluol mr iiiy atrrittl!aiiO!l.iirliiiliri a fortrrag 

out Df claii? 
Elf arr glaii tl|rii uifiil tl|f».liio: mini) tliat nil 

of uo caiilll go! 
tyn Irt hb iiiakr a ioi|fiil iiOlBt. n long [ifH {"f 

our JJlatlalinrg luiilB- 





-THE SQUIB 



HOW THEY MEET 
"^^H, you Bill, welcome soap, to our city with- 

V^ out a heart. Have a good vacation?" 

"Very good Eddie, and you, hello old timer. 
AVho did you do.^" 

"I was farming and working, pretty soft, that 
is my hands were. Look at these callouses now, 
bo."" 

"Farming and working, heJ^ good combination, 
a little of both is a good thing, (as the hobo said 
as he enclosed two pies with a single stretch of 
mouth.) Got unpacked yet.'" 

"'Well, the first load of photos has come. 
Lookem over child. See any new faces?" 

"Wait a minute! AVho is this, summer queens, 
some are not, etc." 

"See that "Slick Stories" there. I read that 
all summer." 

"And got a clean bill of health from the office? 

Some slipup. Say, if the Dean knew Is that 

the bell? then au reservoir, I want to get a flying 
start in this chem course. But did you lamp the 
new stewardess? I almost drop])ed the milk 
pitcher when I saw her. Well, let's go gang! 
A ce soir." 

He's OFF — in more than one sen.se. 



o 



4» 

NE of the Mexican border songs contains the 
phrase "the blooming engineers'". 
We would humbly ask if they mean the Flori- 



culturists at Aggie? 



# 



THAT FLATAVAD MUSE 

WHEN I consider how my coin was spent. 
On jitneys, movies, camels, and the dance; 
I wonder where my heritage has went, 
And go and auction off my flannel pants. 



PATHER — "I don't like the habit your young 
*■ man has of hanging around here so late at 
night. What does your mother say about it?" 

Daughter — "She says men haven't changed one 
bit since she was young." 



THE BURNING QUESTION 
\T^ILLY — Smithers seems to be having a 
^ ' heated argument with the janitor. 
Xilly — -Yes he is trying to get him to put a 
little coal in the furnace. 




JACK — "You're looking prosperous! What did 
you do this summer?" 
Jake — "Me? Sort of a chemist. Used a cast 
iron nerve to turn aluminum into tin!" 



OH YOU OLD PEP, TEAM 

OH every year about this time, the glorious 
early fall, 
The campus rings with football yells and signals' 

snappy call. 
This season starts a splendid plan, three coaches 

now must pick. 
The better of the candidates who tackle and who 

kick. 
Oh the team we love to yell for, they are always 

in the scrap, 
And they're sure to keep old Aggie on the foot- 
ballistic map. 
When they start to hit the schedule, they will 

show em where we stand 
For they know we're all behind them from the 

co-eds to the band! 

Hip-hip-hip-Mass. Mass. Mass., etc. 

HE — These tire thieves are very bold now, 
aren't they? 
She — Oh, yes, father had to put chains on his 
tires. 



rilE Visitor — "I don't see how the Freshmen 
^ can keep their little caps on their heads." 
The Professor — "Vacuum pressure." 



10 



THE SQUIB 



fsJ 












lArnfmf'i 





"INDOOR SPORTS AT AGGIE" 



# 



PROF — "Where is your common sense located?" OOBERT — "Have j^ou loved anyone before 
Co-Ed Freshlady— "In the brain." IN. me?" 
Prof — "Right. Man's brain is larger than Rose — "No darling, I have not. I have ad- 
woman's. What is the result?" mired many men for their bravery, beauty, intelli- 
Co-Ed Freshlady — "That shows that quality gence, strength, but as for you Robert, it is only 
counts more than quantity." ■ love, nothing else." 



H 



OWARD — "Did your aunt remember you 
in her will?" 
Henry — "Sure she did. Directed her executors 
to collect all the loans she had made me." 



'VTES," confessed Jack. "When she wasn't 
* looking I kissed her." 

"And then what did she do?" asked his friend. 
"Refused to look at me again all evening." 



11 



THE SQUIB 



AGILE ADGIE OR THE BOY WONDER OF 
THE MEXICAN BORDER 

ADGIE, the hero of our story, was a \-ictiiH 
of the much dreaded flunk-out system and 
in consequence packed his things collegiate and 
jumped a train for home. Upon his arrival, in 
reply to the volley of really pertinent personal 
questions turned upon him by his wrathful 
])aternal parent, Adgie was forced to confess 
that 40 % or more of the professors were down 
on him, bore a nasty grudge against him, wouldn't 
give him a sqvuire deal and for some entirelj' 
imaginarj' and trum])ed u]) reason had failed him 
in the exams. 

"I knew the stuff cold pop", he said, "but they 
gave me a raw deal. Why, just to prove that 
I was a good student observe the stellar rating 
that I received from the Department of Military 
Science. Anything that is really difficult and 
takes brains you see, I was able to master," and 
with his feet arranged beneath him like Napoleon 
in the Famous picture " Don't give up the Ship", 
he added, "Father I am going to join the troops 
at the border make a name for myself and become 
the pride of the town." He then executed a 
right face and without further parley left his 
already proud father in the doorway dazed but 
happy in the thought that no more letters would 
be forthcoming from the treasurer's office. 
To be concluded. 

# 

ETIQUETTE BETWEEN FROSH AND 
SOPHS 

A FROSH should not require a request to be 
repeated. 

A Frosh and Soph should not be angry at the 
same time. 

Bestow your warmest symjjathies in each others 
trials. 

A Soph should make his criticism of a Fresh- 
man to the latter's face, preferably a black eye. 

Always use the most gentle and loving words 
when addressing each other. 

Let each study what pleasure can be bestowed 
upon the other during the day. 



OH SKINNY: LOOK DOWN THE RAVINE 

THINK, fellow students of the intense efforts 
of the men of landscape artistic genius who 
are trying to make the Ravine into a Grotto of 
Gush, where Junior and Co-ed can meet on eciual 
terms and a rustic settee, and try to make each 
other believe that that rippling rivulet comes not 
from the pond but from "somewhere on Campus", 
and that the squirrels are really amusing. 

Later when the rural engineers get going, we 
will have concrete casts of Pomona, Johnnie 
Appleseed, and Jimmie Nick mounted there on 
huge pedestals. Poison ivy will twine sweetly 
around a rum cherry tree while the landlocked 
salmon chew coaldust cuds and swim swiftly. 

Freshman will not be allowed to sail toy boats 
in the stream, and one way bridges will si)an the 
murky minnow brook. 

Later when the sorority has a house of her 
own, alumnae will wheel ]ierambnlators, etc., along 
the rubble promenade and will show the children 
the sidehill cages of zoo animals while promiscu- 
ously passing peanuts to the dearest little monkeys. 

Here is a sofmore swinging in a hammock far 
out over the deep waters of the stream, there is 
a senior playing in the sand with a pail and 
shovel, ice cream cones are in the air, soda fizzes, 
all are happy in then ejoyment of the Aggie Dream- 
land, which was developed by the landscapers 
and the graduate capitalists. So be it. 

Branch offices might be established in the dorm 
entries, and with the use of cover, hanging gardens, 
moss carpets, and hedgethorn partitions, intercrop 
the present layout with hardy perennials with 
the general effect of back-to-nature- with all feet 
at once. 

Seriously, (pardon us. Freshman, for the stern 
attitude), now seriously, we congratulate the 
landscape artists on their idea, their initial 
attempts and their promises of further develop- 
ment. 

We all want to see the campus beautiful — all 
over. Merci, yes. 



<s> 



The widow and her children approached the 
photographer. 

"What are your rates, please?" she inquired. 
"Seventy-five a dozen, madam," he replied. 
"But I have only eleven." 

— Jester 

12 



YOU don't care whether I leave you or not," 
he said mournfully. "When I reach 
England I shall commit suicide. I feel it. A 
rope will be all I need." 

■'Oh, don't worry," she said cheerfully. "I'll 
send you a cable." 



THE SQUIB- 



LOCAL SQLIBS 

HOW do you like your corporal. " 
"0! He is a 'Jewell.'" 

It is rumored that Count OfP is afraid of neither 
the pond nor work, but he keeps away from both. 

I'll squeeze your adams apple until 3'ou spit 
cider. 

At the rope jjuli "Goody, Goody for our side." 

Cy — "'The alarm clock just went oli." 

Harry — "Good, close the door and don't let 
it in again." 

"I understand that 'Strings' is trying out for 
the foot-ball team." 

"Yes, but you might as well try him out for 
fat." 

"How is that.?" 

"Why you can't get anything out of him." 

(0) 

ON TO THE POND 

FRESHMEN! show me your hand-book, and 
don't you dare put your hand in your pocket. 

A farmer in telling about the wonderful fruit 
grown down south said that they often took pine- 
apples, hollowed them out and used them for 
waste-paper baskets. "That's nothing," said the 
Boston man. "One of our policemen was lost 
on a beat last week." 

Freshman — "Our class has got a 'Silverman.'" 

Sophomore — "That's nothing we have a Pond 
for him." 

Wanted! Second hand sonnets for the Sopho- 
mores. 

The Co-Ed Society of Higher Criticism will 
meet on the upper piazza this noon to look over 
the material on the way to dinner, and plan a 
course of tactics from this observation. 

(Heads up fellows, you are eligible maybe, 
smile if necessary). 

Did you see iVlumnus Plaisted stare at the 
improved hash-house.' 

Even Charlie Moses was tickled with the 
decorations, floral and personal. 

CD 

To the class of '16. We miss your pep, so 
come around often to see us. 

# 

That tall freshman denies that he intends to 
pledge a sorority. 

We believe him, but think he forgot the watch- 
word for the year. 




'HE old order changeth," 

yes, — even the shirts are daintier' 



CEITIQUE I 

\T^HEN an English man-of-war visited a 
' • Chinese port the ofBcers were invited to 
a feast at the house of a prominent merchant. 
The conversation was not very lively as none 
spoke the language of the country. 

The captain had just had a second helping of 
a course which he though was roast duck and 
which he thought was very good. He turned to 
the host and pointing to his plate said "Quack, 
quack, quack." 

The merchant looked puzzled, then as the 
meaning dawned on him, shook his head and 
with a smile replied, "Wow, wow, wow." 



13 



THE SQUIB- 



MUSINGS OF A MILLIONAIRE 

SLTPPOSE I were a millionaire. Then I am 
wealthy, and my wants are easily satisfied by 
the expenditure of a few hundred thousand dol- 
lars. 

I have automobiles, a steam yacht, an airship, 
and an estate on the most exclusive shore of 
some thing. I also own enuf stock in various 
enterprises, copper mines, sugar beet factories, 
and the like, to take a passing interest in a certain 
page of our daily papers. 

Then having emulated other millionaires, and 
being possessed of a complete millionaire's work- 
ing outfit, I must rely on my eccentricity to 
provide an outlet for my wealth. I cannot invest, 
for I would prosper further, and besides — there 
is the income tax to spoil that. 

This is what I would do. I would go to Switzer- 
land again (for I would have been there several 
times before, of course). There among the rock- 
anchored bungalows and piedmont glaciers, I 
would seek some great genius, a master of music 
box making, who could carve a grand piano out 
of a single piece of a certain type of wood. I 
would have him experiment in a new field of 
endeavor, — Whistling Alarm Clocks!! Yes, and 
he would produce one, too. 

I would pension him, even to the third genera- 
tion, and with a load of Whistling Alarm Clock, 
which was worth an equal weight of platinum 
bullion, I would roll home on the steamer, to 
Finnback-on-the Fish, my butiful summer ex- 
travaganza, on the rim of that water mass, in 
whose placid bosom, it is a la mode to disport in 
a one-piece. 

Aha, you wonder, why would I go to all that 
trouble for a Whistling Alarm Clock when the 
other kind are perfectly reliable. You said it. 
They are perfectly reliable. They never fail to 
explode at the right inopportunity. Neither do 
I. As the first clang of the terrible clapper bangs 
the reverberant metal, I wake up mad, my effici- 
ency being reduced about $80.00 per day for a 
week, and furthermore, of most importance, I 
am dis-turbed. 

Millionaires must not be dis-turbed, you know, 
lest they be unbalanced and get to giving away 
money to charity, and forgetting to tie a string 
to each gift. 

Millionaires have obsessions as well as eccen- 
tricities. I obsede on the happy days of my 
youth. Another reason therefor for the Whistling 
Alarm Clock is the desire to remind me of the 



days when Pete Murphy, used to wake me up 
with his long whistles to go fishing up the creek, 
or to borrow my big double-runner. Ah that was 
the method-royal in which to be brought into 
the light of another day, by the cheery whistle of 
a chum. 

Do you catch the subtle humor there, Pete 
was always up earlier than I but now he's a 

Well so long everybody, I must hast to a 
meeting of the directors of the umbrella trust. 
(Signed) 

I. Gotthe Coyne. 



Harry — Going to the library tonight? 
Jerry — I don't have to; I have a date. 

— Orange Peel 



A GLOSSARY FOR THE FROSH 

SMITH College — 12c away from Amherst, 12c 
back. An institution exclusively for girls 
not for co-education as many visitors suppose. 

Mt. Holyoke College — Girls college running in 
opposition to Smith situated on the way to 
Dooleys. 

Town Movies — A slow succession of pictures 
thrown on the screen, sometimes mysteriously 
followed by a fast succession of brick-bats thrown 
at the screen. Public invited. 

Town Police Force (.'') — An aggregation of from 
one to two men for the purpose of controlling 
angry mobs, promoting the peace of the peaceful 
streets and for taking in the lamppost and the 
sidewalks in rainj^ weather. 

Cuts — Useful and invaluable accessories to be 
vLsed in case of non-preparedness. 

Chem Lab — A pretty reaction formed by the 
combination of a Kansas barn after the worst 
tornado in 72 years and the nondescript odors of 
a Boston gas works. 

Lab Ass't — Indispensible individuals dis- 
tinguishable from undergraduates by their white 
street cleaners coats. 

Sophomore — A bloodthirsty ruffian whose chief 
ambition in life is to kill at least one Frosh. 



14 



^N O RT HA M P 1 O NofC 



Plymouth Inn 



0!bMASSACHUSETTS'3i? 



A High-Class Hotel 
desirably located for 

Colleoe IPatronage 




Especially suited to the 

requirements of tourists on 

account of its pleasant location 



American and European Plans 



Special Attention to Banquets 



Observer — I noticed you got up and gave that 
lady your seat in the street car the other day. 

Observed — Since childhood I have respected a 
woman with a strap in her hand. 

— Punch Bold 



OYIK^^ 




STRAINS EYES 

O. T. 



Will be sure to injure your 
eyes — increase the complaint 
— why not get top notch 
eye-glass service and satis- 
faction by having us fill your 
needs? 

We specialize on prescrip- 
tion filling — on exactness 
and highest grade work. 



Dewhurst 



Maker of Perfect Fitting Glasses 



201 Main St. 
Northampton, Mass. 



Opposite City Hall 
Telephone 184-W 



She — Let's sit dowai, I have a sprained knee. 
He (absently) — So I see. 

She (horrified) — You brute, you do not; I'm 
going home. 
Exit He. 

— Lehigh Burr 



"Say, Bill, did you see the dress on that girl 
who just passed?" 

"No, I didn't; did you?" 

— Perm State Froth 

Clarice — But Jack didn't like the new negligee 
I wore and went away mad. 

Antoinette — The idea of getting mad over a 
little thing like that! What do men want, anyway? 

— Froth 



SAFETY FIRST 

First Boy — "What is this big-brother move- 
ment?" 

Second Boy — "Well, as I understand it, never 
lick any boy wdio has a big brother." 



Aunt — "You'll be late for the party, won't 
you, dear?" 

Niece — "Oh, no, auntie. In our set nobody 
goes to a party until everybody else is there." 

— Boston Transcript 



DELICIOUS HOME MADE ICE CREAM 



FRUIT, SYRUPS, AND CANDY 



COLLEGE CANDY KITCHEN 

We have the Biggest and Best varieties and 
Fancy dishes in Town. For private 
parties remember us for Ice 
Cream. 



OUR ICE CREAM IS SERVED AT AGGIE INN AND M. A. C. STORE 



ON WAY TO POST OFFICE 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



R. F. Armstrong & Son 

We invite ALL "Aggie" students 
upper and lower classmen, to make 
Our Store your headquarters when 
in Hamp. We carry a nobby line of 

Clothing and Furnishings 

For young men at 

REASONABLE PRICES 

80 Main St., 
Northampton, Mass. 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 

The Best Place To Dine 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

Special Luncheon from H. 30 to 2 P. M. 
Meet me at "DICKS" 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Sanderson & Thompson 

THE HOME OF 

Hart, Schaflner & Marx Clothes 
and Fine Furnishings 

PRICES ALWAYS REASONABLE 

SANDERSON & THOMPSON 
AMHERST 



Henry Adams Co. 
Cbe no. H, C. 

Candies and Ices 

Cigarettes and Tobacco 

Tht Rexall Store 



THE KISSES SHE'S SAVING FOR 
ME 

There's a little girl down in my little 
home town — 
I left her just two days ago — 

And already I yearn to pack up and 
return 
And she's yearning to meet me I 
know. 

'Cause back in our childhood we 
played in the wildwood, 
And I loved her then and before — 

If there's aught to be known or aught 
to be shown, 
This girl knows it all, and some 
more. 

The tales that I'd tell to a gay college 
belle 
Would be to this girl only jokes, 

'Cause .she's long been wise to th' 
ajiproximate size 
Of my bankroll, and that of my 
folks. 

She may be above me, but she surely 
must love me 
In spite of the facts, — as you see. 

So here goes a stein to that old girl 
of mine. 
And the kisses she's saving for me. 

— Siren 



"Why aren't you in school, 
sonny? " 

''Don't believe in child labor." 

— Life 



Dealer — This chair will hold two 
in a squeeze. 

Fair One (blushing) — Send it out 
tonight, please. 

—Froth 



Salesnuui of Patent Bottle — Yes, 
sir, this bottle will keep beer cold 
for a week. 

Prospect — No use for it at all. 
Once beer is cold what jackass 
wouhl keep it for it week? 

— Siren 



It is better to 
have your 

K^dnttnj 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

iprinting— IRuling— 3Bin&ing 

Nortti Adams, Mass. 



CAMPION 

FINE 

TAILORING 

College Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 




Collars 

Are made to give good service. 
The style, make, durability and 
finish leave nothing to be desired 
even by those willing to pay a 
higher price, i,^ each 6 for 90c 



MAKERS 



TROY. N. Y. 



"Whao's that old pedlar over 
there!" 

"Oh, that's an Economies Prof, 
who took a flyer on Wall street." 

— Record 



Ike — Ven do you tink de war ^•ill 
be over? 

Mike — Niver, oi hope. Oi'ni sat- 
isfied to lave it in Europe. 

— Orange Peel 



GILMORE THEATRE 



THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 



Four Days Every Week Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 



Stationery, Blank Books and 
Fountain Pens 

1918-1919 and 1920 
COLLEGE STATIONERY 
and a complete line of diaries 

A. J. Hastings 

Newsdealer and Stationer 



Compliments of 



E. D. Marsh Estate 



STUDENT FURNITURE 
and CARPETS 



"I hear that you've been looking 
up your family tree." 

"Yes, and I find that most of its 
branches have been grafted." 

— Lampoon 



Prof. — You are too literal. You 
don't read between the lines enough. 

It — I can't very well; it's half 
erased! 

— Record 



Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park &Tilford, Maillards, 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 

satisfactory will be replaced or 

money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



I? Si 





lr>^ 


J^ 






Xkl-" 


1 



VTe haw aKLAXQN 

for yottr car [^^] Letiw 
put it on on. trial- -you'll 
never let us tsAne it off 



THL^QUl 




AOVHiBtB 1916 




PRE.PAfiLDriL33 



CROYSDALE INN 

SOUTH HADLEY. MASS. 

Thanksgiving Dinner 

1 p. M. 
TABLES RESERVED 'Phone 2628-W Holyoke 



Art Editor (to artist applying for position) — 
"And what have you drawn, before coming here?' 
"Wages sir, but I should like a salary." 

— Widow 



"I am hunting for an honest man," muttered 
Diogenes, as he held up his lantern. 

"You're a fool," said the thug, as he adjusted 
his flash, "you won't find nothing on him." 

— California Pelican 



Genuine Hawaiian 

UKULELES 

Gold Medal 1915 Exposition 

The finest toned, best constructed instruments 
of their kind. Strictly hand-made, of the choices: 
selected, thoroughly seasoned native Koa, 

Don't buy an imitation of the real thing 
but get one of these genuine Hawaiian made 



instruments. 



Priced from $7 to $20 

Write for Illustrated Catalogue 



The Ukulele is the one musical instrument that 
anybody can play and you will quickly become 
proficient through the 

Bailey Correspondence Course for tlie Ukulele 

PRICE $5.00 

Special offers cu U kitldes for a limilcd period 
Complete course FREE with each $20.00 Ukulele 
Complete course SI. 00 with each $15.00 Ukulele 
Complete course SI. 50 with each S12.50 Ukulele 
Complete course $1-75 with each §10.00 Ukulele 
Complete course S2.00 with each $7.00 
or S7.50 Ukulele 
Transportation charges on Ukuleles prepaid to 
any part of United States, also free covers with 
Ukuleles from S12.50 upward. 



Sherman.lMay & Ca 

SAN FRANCISCO 

Largest Distributors of Hawaiian Instruments 
and Music in the World 




Every month have a copy sent to her 

home by bringing $1.25 to 12 

South College 

$1 .25 'will bring a Squib to any home in U. S. A. 
Read your own copy! 



CO-OPERATE AVITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



D A Y^FT ^^ ^^^ ^^11^^^ ^^^'s Shop 

*^*^ *• t^' *^ * *^ 179 Main St., Northampton 

Clothes, Furnishings, Shoes, Hats 

It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the 

correct thing in young men's wear Visit us for Distinctive Apparel 


She (enthusiastically gazing over the fields) — 
"What a good looking valley." 

Jealous He — ^"Oh, that's just a Freshman that 
hauls our trunks." 

—Penn Siafe Froth 


Father — ^"Were you the young man I caught 
kissing my daughter last night?" 

Young Man — "I think I was one of them." 

—Penn State Froth 


^ 


School and College 

lP»botograpber8 


<^j^^ (oMffl!®) 


52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 


Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
NEW YORK CITY 


First Moth— Why so thin and 
emaciated this spring, brother? 

Second Ditto — ^I was shut up all 
winter with a young lady's bath- 
ing suit. Not another bit to eat 
in the closet! 

■ — -Punch Bold 


Bland— Hello, Rand. Didn't 
I see you and your wife at the 
show last night! 

Rand — ^You saw me, Bill, but 
for heaven's sake don't ask my 
wife if you saw her. 

• — Judge 


For Winter Sporting Goods, come in and see our 
line. A full line of Skates, including college hockey 
and rink skates- 

A good assortment of Hockey Sticks 
Sleds of all kinds 

And the best line of Skiis ever shown in Amherst 

Also all the straps, harnesses and poles 

to go with them 

The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 

35 South Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 


The price of collars has risen; 
and as usual the ultimate con- 
sumer gets it in the neck. 

■ — Pelican 


Prof. — In what popolus area 
is a man not allowed to vote! 
Stude— Sing Sing. 

— Awgwan 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 




LIFE SAVERS 

A DAINTY CONFECTION 



PEP-O-MINT 
WINT-O-GREEN 
CL-O-VE 
LIC-O-RICE 



^ 



P^POMIHT 

'LIFESAVEfits' 

A DAINTY CONFECTION 



EVERY GENUINE 
LIFE SAVER 
HAS A HOLE IN 
THE CENTER 



LIFE SAVERS 

A DAINTY CONFECTION 



t^. 






f LIFE siwrra: 



iPp^^S^mnt! 



JJ try ij ^^ -Mil I 

SSpEP-O'MiNT a* 

§,pEP-b'Mini^5 
PfP-O-MINT gi 
PEP-OMINJ "^~ 

'■ji'PEP-OMjNT 











GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 







ROSE — ^" Where are you going tonight?' 
AHc(^-" Lapland." 



AT THE DAIRY SHOW 

AGENT— "Can I sell you a Holstein?" 
Farmer Jones — "Yes, I'll take one glass, 
but not all froth." 



JUNIOR — "You're getting pretty smutty 
lately." 
Senior — "Why shouldn't I, at present I am 
studying smut fungi." 



WINDS do blow 
And we shall have snow, 
And we must have a heavier dress, 
So my woolens I've dug out, 
And I'll keep them about; 
For I believe in Preparedness. 



NUT— "Why is the B. & M. terminal a good 
thing for that road?" 
Nutty — "Because it's the beginning of the 
end?" 

Nut— "Oh nonsense, it tells the B. & M. 
that it has gone far enuf." 



They Died Game 

PINK was the name of the hero. 
Rose was the heroine fair. 
Eyebrow, misplaced, he boasted. 
Peroxide blond was her hair. 
A bottle of ink he tipped over, 
Right on top of her golden dome 
"Enuf villain," she cried, and he faltered 
"Dear me, I think nobody's home." 
Noting his sorrow she murmured, ; ^ 

Endeavoring to save him distress. 
See, in my bag another bottle of bleach. 
Saved ! by Preparedness ! 

s 

PREPAREDNESS 

C'IRST Stew. — -"Jones fooled his wife last 

■*■ night and_came in the house without her 

knowing it." 

Second Stew. — "How did he do it?" 

First Stew. — -"He walked up the front steps 

with the milkman." 

s 

A FRESHMAN ran out of the cattle barn; 
Tho excited, he managed to stutter: 
"The Jersey has swallowed a rabbit, John. 
Do you think there'll be hare in the butter?" 



THEY say Bill fell into a whiskey vat and 
was drowned." 
"Yes, but then he died in good spirits." 



-THE SQUIB- 




AIN'T IT HELL? 

STUD. — "How do you know we are in hell?" 
Prof. — -"Never before have I gone in public 
without being clothed." 



A HIGH BROW 

SHE— "Why do they call Tom a high brow?" 
He — -"Because he always exclaims, ' Lo, 
the beautiful Maiden", when he really means, 
'Pipe de chicken'." 



INDOOR SPORTS 

¥JE — "Why is a plumber always happy when 
* * he sees the first signs of ice?" 

She — "Because his indoor sports are just 
commencing." 



CULTIVATION 

WHY do you consider a Chinaman similar 
to a farmer?" 
"Because he is a cultivator of the soil." 

s 

PENETRABLE 

HE — "That dress that your girl wore at the 
informal was similar to a piece of window 
glass." 

The other — "What do you mean?" 

He — "Why, you could see right thru it." 

s 

NIC — ^"How did you manage to convince your 
fiance that you couldn't aft'ord to keep an 
auto?" 

Hie — "Pure luck. She got some spots on her 
skirt and bought a gallon of gasoline to remove 
them." 



SHE — "Do you remember, dear, what hap- 
pened two years ago today?" 
He (thinking hard) — "It wasn't our wedding- 
day, was it?" 
She — "No, you bought me a new hat." 

s 

SONNET TO A PADDED BOY 

By a delirious sophomore 

WHEN Stearns, the deacon, had within his 
coat 

A pillow tucked, his belly to expand 
And also to protect, and then his hand 
At wrestling tried, this artificial bloat. 
Extending from his waist up to his throat. 
Did radiation of the heat withstand. 
And all the warmth within his belly canned. 
"Oh, gee! I'm hot!" he cried with plaintive 

note. 
A little lesson from this anecdote 
I draw: With thine own form be thou content. 
Seek not thy natural figure to augment 
With pads. Thy beauty if thou must promote. 
Thy body exercise with proper care 
And mold it to such form as it should bear. 



pROF — Just imagine with what feelings Colum- 
*■ bus cabled home to Spain that he had dis- 
covered America. 



HE sipped the nectar from her lips 
As 'neath the moon they sat. 
And wondered if mortal man had 'ere 
Drunk from a mug like that. 




PREPAREDNESS 



-THE SQUIB 




■itn'Pierjci^ 



"NOTES" 



HAROLD — "What have you been doing the 
last two years?" 
Walter — "I have been working a bank most 
of the time." 

Harold — "What were you doing there?" 
Walt — "Oh simply shoveling gravel." 



A NAPKIN ESSAY ON THE HEAD WAITER 

A Head-waiter is a piece of dining-room furni- 
ture which can be moved from place to 
place by heaving a biscuit. 

At every meal he stands on end and keeps one 
eye on the waiters and the other on the cashier, 
occasionally flicking off a speck of dust from 
his left sleeve, and trying to escape out of his 
terribly high collar. In most places the Head- 
waiter shows you your place, but in the hash- 
house he keeps you in your place. He frowns 
professionally at every loud noise made by the 
diners, and receives complaints about the food 
without any display of surprise. He deserves 
the Nobel prize for diplomacy, and takes a 
paternal interest in the collective culinary wel- 
fare of the college man. Implicit trust and 
long standing in the community and in different 
corners of the dining hall have made him an 
expert in forecasting elections, menus, etc., 
and the results are correspondingly satisfactory 
to all. 

Head-waiters thrive on opposition and their 
little private meal consisting of a thick steak, 
or a side of beef. Mere kings, cheeses of police, 
and other petty monarchs are puny in power 
compared with a Head-waiter. He orders the 
waiters to serve the meal, he orders the over- 
demonstrative to be silent, he orders the waiters 
to clear the tables, and then when the bustle 
of the mob mastication is over, he sits over in 
the corner and orders that good little steak. 
W^hen the Head-waiter has nothing else to do 
(except look important), he goes over to the 
desk and talks on equal terms (almost) with 
that wizard who keeps account of the arrival 
and departure of the waiters, and the per capita 
departure of the limited supply of toothpicks. 

Otherwise the Head-waiter has an easy time, 
and has only to change his collar and press his 
cuffs to be ready for the next meal, or period 
of harmless abuse. 



THE HASH HOUSE COURSE 



ALL required. 
No electives. 



ENGLISH Instructor— " Why did Tennyson 
write "In Memoriam?" 
English Student — •"! guess he couldn't get any 
one else to write it." 



SCIENTIFIC TERMS USED AT THE HASH- 
HOUSE 

MOO-MOO— Milk (also known as cow). 
Goat— Butter. 
Bushes — ^Celery. 
Sinkers — ^Doughnuts. 
Again — Beans. 



-THE SQUIB- 




-lilies ^" ■ ' 

AT PLATTSBURG 

Full of Preparedness. 



AFTER STRUGGLING IN VAIN FOR IN- 
SPIRATION, Nov. 27, 1916 

OH muse, I know thee not; no poet I 
In past, but now I must a tliot express 
In verse, in sonnet form. It must possess 
Such meter, rhyme, octave, sestet. Oh fie! 
My brain is blank and bare. To thee I cry, 
Enterpe, or which ever muse doth bless 
The sonnet-scribe; before Thanksgiving recess 
I must the Dean's requirement satisfy. 
The need of serious subject stops my thot. 
Sing to me, muse, thyself select the theme 
And choose the words. Far rather would I write 
Ten silly sonnets such as this, than scheme 
To pass the course by trying to indite 
A poem full of feeling, as I ought. 

{Anonymous) 



ECONOMICS 

HE — "The savages are a very economical 
people." 
She — "Are they more thrifty than the Ameri- 
cans r 

He — -"Of course, they never allow their tailor 
bills to exceed the cost of laundering a hand- 
kerchief." 



c 



TWO RUBES -a 

notices a sign on a theater reading, "Fair ^ j^AT— Why is a cat like a stove? 

and Warmer" as he and his companion \j Gnut— Because they both have four legs 
.are strolling along the main thoroughfare. "By 
gimmini crickets, in these days of progress even 
the theaters are forecasting the weather." 



and a damper. 



AT six o'clock I'm still asleep in bed, 
When r-r-r-r-ring, — there goes the old alarm 
clock bell. 
I hurl a pillow at the noisy thing. 

And gently murmur thru my teeth, "Oh, Hell!" 




ALL-WAYS ,^ 

[J'ROSH — ^"Were you drunk coining back from 

Hamp last night?" A member of the Grave diggers Union, after 

Soph — "No, I was drunk both ways." his service at Plattsburg. 



-THE SQUIB 




Miss Sau Sages Advice 
To the Stricken 




Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

Why do they only allow one week's vacation to 
the M. A. C. students Christmas? I am madly 
in love with one of the students and would like 
to keep him home longer than one week. How 
can I make one week serve as two? 

Lydia 

Dear Lydia: 

Blame it to Mr. Infantile Paralysis, 250 W. 
30th St., N. Y. City. He even put a quaran- 
tine on Smith. In order to make one week serve 
as two, don't go to bed at all, and by so doing 
you will eliminate the time wasted sleeping. 
If you petition Congress they might decide to 
extend the year of 1916 one week. 

Dear Miss Sau Cer: 

I love two girls at Smith, one is homely but 
very rich, the other is lovable and ravishingly 
beautiful. Which one shall I continue to keep 
company with? 

Carrionel 

Dear Carrionel: 

Use your head, if you're broke — , if you're 

a millionaire . In other words, don't be 

a darn fool. 



Dear Miss Sau Sage: 

My roommate has been delirious lately. He 
comes home every night yelling, "In Hoc", 
"In Hoc". What does this expression signify? 

I. M. Broke 



Dear I. M. Broke: 

It shows that he has been conquered by the 
sign of the hock-shop. Beware he will use an 
imperative sentence, namely, "Lend me two 
dollars." 



Dear Miss Sausage: 

We have a pet cat which we admire greatly, 
but fleas like him better than we do. How can 
we get rid of the fleas? 

Flea 



Dear Flea-flea: 

Secure the services of some Entymology stu- 
dent who will be glad to remove the rare speci- 
mens. If he hasn't enuf space in his potassium 
cyanide bottles, turn your attention to Mr. 
Wilcox, the director of the Wilcox Parasite 
Destroyer Corporation. 



Dear Miss Sage: 

My husband works on a lemon farm and every 
night he brings home lemons which he steals. 
At present the parlor is filled with lemons. Since 
I can't use all the lemons at one time, how can 
I reduce the amount of space they take up and 
at the same time preserve their usefulness? 

Lemon 



Dear Miss Sau Dust: 

I am a great lover of onions and also a lover 
of a Smith girl. Of course these two chemical 
affinities do not combine well together. How 
can I still keep on eating onions and at the same 
time retain the affection of the girl? 

Onionist 



Dear Mrs. Lemon: 

Squeeze them and put the juice in milk 
bottles. DON'T put the juice in disregarded 
whiskey flasks unless your husband's life is well 
insured. 



Dear Onionist: 

You're in hard luck. I would advise you to 
carry a package of "Life Savers". In these 
times they are feeding the baby "Life Savers" 
to find him in the dark. 



-THE SQUIB 



FOOTBALL EXPRESSIONS 




SECOND DOWN FIVE TO GO 




TAKE THE PENALTY? 



HELD FOR DOWNS 



PREPAREDNESS 





k. 




A«Llfe-^VEC" 







Editorial Staff 
L. C. HIGGINS '18 
I. W. INGALLS '18 
H. B. PEIRSON '19 

$1.25 A YEAR 



Art Staff 
F. K. BAKER '18 
W. A. HATHAWAY '19 



Business Manager 
A. BOOTH '17 



Asst. Business Mgr. 
A. J. WING '19 



'QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 



15 CENTS A COPY 



All contributions should be addressed to the Editor-in-Chief. They will be given credit 
in the annual elections to the board. Business communications should be addressed to the 
Business Manager 12 South College. 

Entered as second-class matter January SI, 1916 at the post office at Amherst, Mass. 



Vol. III. 



NOVEMBER, 1916 



No. 2 



irn^' 




HERE was more truth than poetry 
in Trustee Gleason's statement be- 
fore the Investigating Commission in 
Boston, November 9, in which he 
defended the entrance requirements 
of the College, saying that the boys 
who entered should be fitted for a 
college course, and that the college 
should not be regarded as a farm 
school. There are no two sides to 
the PREPAREDNESS question when 
it comes to determining whether a boy 
is prepared to enter M. A. C. Either 
he is, or he is not, and we are with 
Mr. Gleason in his plea that the 



10 



-THE SQUIB 



entrance requirements should not be lowered. Anj^ prospective student at M. A. C. should be pre- 
pared to carry the work of the College. If he has been fortunate enough to enjoy the privileges 
of a first-rate high school, he should be able to carry the work of this College. If he has not had excep- 
tionally good opportunities to prepare himself, then he should not be granted the privilege of enter- 
ing until he can satisfy the entrance requirements by examination. Too many young men enter 
College totally unfit to pursue college studies, and their time and the time of the college, spent in 
discovering the fact that they are unfit, might better be spent in other efforts. They might be spared 
the pain and disappointment of having the privileges of the college withdrawn. The entrance re- 
quirements are not too high. What we want is PREPAREDNESS on the part of the college man- 
to-be, rather than a lower standard for entrance. 




RE you prepared, Mr. Aggie Man, to enjoj^ the privileges of new dormitories.'' Are 
you prepared to maintain a dormitory home in a quiet, respectable, and studious 
manner? The question becomes pertinent in the light of the exceptionally intense 
political feeling that this fall has given vent to midnight inter-dormitory "serenades". 
And because this political feeling has been intense and unusual, Squibby is inclined 
to look at the matter in a rather lenient way and say that you are prepared. How- 
ever, the discharge of firearms out of the windows is not recognized by Hoyle as the proper way to 
express feeling and enthusiasm. Neither does it typify preparedness. It may be a perverted form 
of patriotism which the clear thinking man cannot tolerate. Think before you act — then we can 
believe that you are prepared to have more dormitories. 



CONTRIBUTERS 
ART 

Bunker '20 
Webster '20 
Campbell '.... 



TO THIS ISSUE 

EDITORIAL 
Dixon '20 
Oppe '20 




11 



THE SQUIB 




PREPAREDNESS 

Mixing Drinks 

s 

HAVE you noticed the decrease in the good 
openings for far sighted young men?" 
"What is the cause of the decrease?" 
"There are no slit skirts today." 



MRS. Jones — "Are you on speaking terms 
with our new neighbor?" 
Mrs. Burk— "Of course I am! Yesterday I 
called her a flirt, and she called me a gossip." 



THE Herrick School is being investigated 
because a Mr. Nutt felt like crabbing and 
wanted to appear in public as a wise guy? He 
says that the exit exams are too easy, that there 
are some students there who are right in their 
mind, and are therefore out of place. He also 
asserts that some of the nurses act sanely and 
thus give bad example to the inmates. 

He also thinks there should be more practical 
work done, and more extension work given to 
outsiders. Melly Craves, whom Mr. Nutt has 
hired to appear at all the hearings and testify 
against the school, said that he had noticed one 
student on several occasions and said student 
had neither tried to fly thru a drug store window 
nor called down a chimney to play tag with 
him. This indicated that there are some stu- 
dents in the school who are not entitled to treat- 
ment, and should be in a regular jail if they did 
something, or in college if they are harmless. 

The exit exams, Mr. Nutt swears, are so easy 
that the inmates just act natural and get their 
graduation and degree of S. A. (which means 
"almost sane".) Several aluminumni defending 
their arma marta testified that they stayed up 
nights for two weeks to pass the exams that 
would permit them to go to movies alone, and 
smoke borrowed meccas like other people. One 
ex-inmate said that he left before graduation 
because one of the nurses insisted, with tears 
in one of her eyes, that he eat animal crackers, 
and play all day long with a rag doll. 

The faculty have imported secretly several 
college students so that the probers may find 
at least a few who are deserving of the school's 
valuable treatment. 

The mere fact that one inmate was severely 
reprimanded for attempting to solve a problem 
in Kimball's Physics proves that the school is 
living up to its ideal of keeping the boys dippy, 
and the school certainly has its hands full in 
doing this job without giving treatment to college 
freshmen and others who might be benefitted 
by such care as the inmates receive. 

The next meeting will be held at the Pre- 
varicaters Club of Coldbrook to study the prob- 
lem of co-education of imbeciles, or "How to 
make that backward boy jump". 



THEY say that Jones has water on his knee." 
"What is he going to do about it?" 
"The doctor advised him to wear pumps." 



12 



THE SQUIB- 



faded 
Beauty 



K^^T>^ 





I SEE by the papers that thej^ are going to 
make and sell ice cream at Aggie this year. 
What of it? Don't they have college ice 
on the pond every year? 



JUDGE— "How old are you?" 
Witness (a woman) — "Don't know." 
Judge — ^"But when were you born?" 
Witness — AVhy? Are you going to send me 
a present on my birthday?" 



SHE — "How is business done at the stock 
exchange?" 
He — "Very simple. I pay for something or 
other which I don't get with money I don't 
have, and then I sell that which I never had for 
a great deal more than it ever cost." 



TTEACHER— "Can anyone tell 
*■ even higher than the king?" 
Pupil— "The Ace." 



what 



' I 'HERE was a young giri named Maria 
* Who had a kid brother, Josiah 
One day, unawares, 
On the front parlor stairs 
He put a small piece of barbed wire. 
His sister came down. 
In a new morning gown, — 
I think it's not best, 
I should tell you the rest, 
But the flags are half mast in Ohio. 



THERE was a small city called Hamp, 
Wherein the Smith students do camp. 
And the boys from old Aggie 
Visit Jane, Ruth, and Maggie, 
By the light of tlie pink parlor lamp. 



FOOTBALL EXPRESSION 

"Recovering a fumble." 

s 

THERE was a she, likewise a he, 
Who sat beneath a chestnut tree. 
He hugged her, kissed her, and caressed her 
'Til the tree fell on his chest protector. 



' I 'HE sick doctor — "When I am dead I want 
* a careful autopsy made. Observe the liver 
especially — it will interest me greatly to know 
what really is the matter with it." 



B 



OANE — What is the difference between a 
dog and a bee-hive? 
Hedde — Fleas take bites from one; bees take 
flights from the other. 




"TEDDY R's Trainer— Why don't you hit me? 
* Stud — For every action there is an^equal 
and opposite reaction. 



13 



•THE SQUIB- 




PREPAREDNESS WORKS OVERTIME AT THE HASH HOUSE 



' I 'O parallel the craze for sheepskin coats we 
* expect that the fellows will soon appear in 
rural attire thruout, heavy cap with earlaps 
folded around it, old-fashioned muffler, red 
mittens, and felt boots. Of course straws will 
be provided for these ruralists instead of the 
usual hash-house toothpicks. 



1st Stud — ^"Is it really true that your uncle, 
the well-known physician, can give an immediate 
diagnosis on a case?" 

•^d Stud — "Absolutely true. The last time 
that I visited him I hadn't been there ten minutes 
before he gave me a twenty dollar bill." 



You ask me to be lenient 
ninth time that you have 



JUDGE— "What! 
and this is the 
been arrested for the same offense!" 

Prisoner — "Yes your honor, I thought you 
might treat me like a good customer." 

14 



ELEGY WRITTEN AT THE AGGIE DEAN'S 

BOARD 
TPHE freshman proudly wears his pea-green cap, 
^ His drill suit he is very proud to show; 
But on Dean's Saturday there comes a rap. 
In ALGEBRA and FRENCH he finds he's low. 

The sophomore has nerve and "bull" aplenty — 
At bull-dozing the freshmen he's not slow; 

And yet we see he's on a par with '20, 

For "Billy's" PHYSICS knocked him cold 
as snow. 

The junior heli^s the verdant freshmen out; 

(The freshmen who, they say, are green as 
grass) 
He's very wise and dignified, no doubt? 

Look on the board. His CHEM he didn't pass. 

The senior gaily wends his way to Smith, 

With lordly mein and bearing proud as Nero; 

His active bi-ain is full of useful pith, 
Altho in DAIRYING he pulled a 0. 

So, as we stagger thru our college life, 

And try our best some learning wise to hoard; 

Despite our daily struggles, weekly strife, 

We find our names upon the dear old board. 



-THE SQUIB- 




UN PREPARED 
S 

"I wonder if they know that he is living?" 
■'You would think so if you saw the bills he 
sends home every week." 



FACIAL BEAUTY 

DOOR — ^"She has an interesting face, don't 
you think?" 
Sill — '"Rather a plain knocker." 



THE BALLAD OF THE THREE DRAGONS 

List to my plaintive ditty, 

Give ear to my mournful lay 

For I sing of a white washed building 

That isn't so far away! 

It stands at one end of the Campus 
And sorrow and woe betide 
The innocent, guileless student 
Who chances to venture inside! 

Within it reside the Three Dragons 
Who lambast you over the bean 
And soak you with physics problems, — ■ 
From books that you never have seen! 

One of these Dragons is lengthy — 
Yes, lengthy and lean and lank, — 
With a mind both kindly and learned 
But a form like a seven foot plank. 

Another is skinny and stubby 
With glasses that help him to see 
Where to slap the red ink on the lab. work 
Or pass out an infrequent "B". 

Over them stands the Head Dragon 

With a roaring voice and a grin; 

His "Rub it out" sounds like the death trump, — 

But it covers a warm heart within! 

And so the Sophomores worry, — 
Their marks are most fearfully bent, — 
The height of tlieir earthly ambition 
Is landing that sixty per cent! 



LAWYER— "Well doctor, I noticed that you 
didn't vote at the last election. You ought 
to be ashamed to go back on your party like 
that." 

Doctor — "I did a lot more for the cause than 
you. I forbade ten patients of the other party 
to leave the house that day." 



DO TELL 

'O the lawyer lost his case?" 

' "Yes, but they were all empties." 



THE juniors are afraid tlie bloke will use 
those searchlights for drill, seeing a possi- 
bility of training them in the night attack. AVire- 
cutters would then be in demand on the campus. 



15 



THE SQUIB- 




RECENT BULLETINS BY THE CO-ED 
EXPERIMENT STATION 

9786978. The Agronomics of the Twin Cocoa- 
nut, (or "20 years with the Bkishing Carrot). 

9786979. Fannie Lucile's Hot-house Angoras, 
or The struggles of a toothpick magnate with 
his new granoHthic piano. 

Announcement: The committee on coifi'ures 
and fudge acknowledge the donation of a pretty 
bag of Peruvian Guano to the promiscuous rouge 
fund. 



1st Frosh — "Jack has got an awful cold seat 
in chapel." 

■Jd Frosh— "How's that?" 
1st Frosh — "He sits in Z row." 



Take — -"I .see Ignatz is studying forestry." 
Em — "But why forestry when he intends to 
take up manufacturing?" 

Out — "Shoe-trees, my boy, shoe-trees!" 

— Widoiv 



THE VISION 

OUT from the lighted windows of South Col- 
lege float the dainty voices of Aggie's flock 
of frolicsome females; from behind the lace curtains 
of North peer their fairy features; from Draper 
ring their joyous shouts and laughter. But what 
is this, — from the commodious barn beyond the 
Chapel comes the hum of men's voices; above 
the rumble of the Power Plant machinery the 
Sophomores hold their clinic over the mangled 
remains of the long suffering Hegner's Intro- 
duction; from the roof of the Chem. Lab. resound 
the stentorian snores of the sleeping Seniors. 

And you dare to inquire why the men of Aggie 
thus bunk on a pile of rotten boards, con their 
lessons to the soothing accompaniment of a 
steam turbine and foregather in the Drill Hall? 
The reason is not far to seek, for, from near and 
far they come to us, invade our most sacred 
precincts, scatter hair pins about the Campus 
walks and taint the air with the perfumes of 
violet and rose, — the army of the co-eds. 

Men of Aggie, such is the outlook for the 
future! Ye must prepare! Learn to study on 
Wednesday afternoons when the band turns 
the Social Union into a chamber of horrors; 
practice sleeping on the soft side of a stone 
step; for know ye that the State is poor, that 
dorms, are expensive, and that the co-eds in- 
crease in numbers. Prepare for the worst! 




16 



^NORTHAMPTON"^ 



Plymouth Inn 



^MASSACHUSETTS'!!^ 



A High - Class Hotel 
desirably located for 

Colleoe patronage 




Especially suited to the 

requirements of tourists on 

account of its pleasant location 



American and European Plans 



Special Attention to Banquets 



F. Stude — "Did you ever see the bad-lands?" 
See. Stude — "No, but I've seen the Alumni 
Field Tennis courts." 

— Widoiv 



OVERTIME 




STRAINS EYES 

0. T. 



Will be sure to injure your 
eyes — increase the complaint 
— why not get top notch 
eye-glass service and satis- 
faction by having us fill your 
needs? 

We specialize on prescrip- 
tion filling — on exactness 
and highest grade work. 



Dewhurst 



Maker of Perfect Fitting Glasses 



201 Main St. 
Northampton, Mass. 



Opposite City HaU 
Telephone 184-W 



TROT OUT THE TRIPE 

"And where is your daughter, Mrs. Smith?" 
"Oh, she's been away nigh on to six weeks 

to a boarding school." 

"Land sakes, whatever put it in t' her head 

to study sich stuff as that?" 

— Sun Dial 



R. F. Armstrong & Son 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

Holeproof Hose 

Guaranteed no darning; just right for 
College Men 

25 Cents a Pair 



The Elms Restaurant 

Where Quality and Quantity Dwell 

Try our dinner and supper specials 

E. G. DILL, Prop. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



DELICIOUS HOME MADE ICE CREAM 



FRUIT, SYRUPS, AND CANDY 



COLLEGE CANDY KITCHEN 

We have the Biggest and Best varieties of Superfine 
Candies for Superfine Times 

HOT CHOCOLATE WITH WHIPPED CREAM 



OUR ICE CREAM IS SERVED AT AGGIE INN AND M. A. C. STORE 



ON WAY TO POST OFFICE 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



BECKMANN'S 

Always for the best 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 

247-249 Main Street 
Northampton 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 

The Best Place To Dine 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

Special Luncheon from U.SO to 2 P. M. 
Meet me at "DICKS" 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Sanderson & Thompson 

the home of 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 
and Fine Furnishings 

PRICES ALWAYS REASONABLE 

SANDERSON & THOMPSON 
AMHERST 



Henry Adams Co. 
Cbe fiD. H. a. 
Druggists ^ 

Candies and Ices 

Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



Wholesome old fashion food served 

in the most modern 

manner at the 



COLONIAL INN 



At the Entrance to the campus 



Judge — Gentlemen of the jury, 
We hold that according to the 
evidence you are bound to believe 
that which you consider to be 
true. 

■ — ■Awswan 



John — ^What makes your hands 
so soft! 

Yahn — I sleep with my gloves 
on. 

John — ^You must sleep with 
your hat on, too. 

— Awpwan 



"Is there an opening here for a 
bright, energetic young man!" 
"Yes; an' close it as you go out." 

• — Judge 



"Papa disgraced me again last 
evening." 

"Yes, of course — ^what did he 
do!" 

"He missed count and finished 
dinner with two knives and a 
fork left over." 

• — Pelican 



I have renewed Aggie Men's Soles 
for the Past Ten Years. 

HOW IS YOUR SOLE? 

Better let GINSBURG fix your soles 

J. Ginsburg 

SHOE REPAIRING 

U 1-2 Amity St. 



It is better to 
have your 

B^ rinttng 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printino— IRuIing— BinMng 

North Adams, Mass. 



CAMPION 



FINE 

TAILORING 

College Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



College Engravers 

With— 

The Desire to Please 

The Facihties to Accommodate 

The Experience to Suggest 

Briefly: 

Quality and Service 
For those Desiring Good Cuts 

May we hear from you? 

Howard- Wesson Company 

College Engravers 
Worcester, Massachusetts 


Phone Connection 

Mandolins, Guitars and Musical Merchandise 

Milton O. Wicks 

Maker, Collector and Repairer of Fiddles, Etc. 

Dealer in 

Hawaiian Ukuleles, Steel Guitars &, Accessories 

Plaza Theatre Building 
51 Pleasant St., Northampton, Mass. 


Compliments of 

E. D. Marsh Estate 

STUDENT FURNITURE 
and CARPETS 


Dealer — -"This chair will hold two in a squeeze." 
Fair One (blushing) — '"Send it out by tonight." 

— Penn State Froth 


"The rain broke up the preparedness parade, 
didn't it?" 

"Yes. Nobody thought to bring an umbrella." 

— Lampoon 


Friend— "Did the doctor tell you what you 
had?" 

Sick One — -"No, but he took what I had with- 
out telling me." 

—Penn State Froth 


SOME CLOTHES LINE 
Her — I like your clothes, Seetums. 
Hee — AVell, dear, I can get closer. 

— Aivgwan 


GILMORE THEATRE 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 

Four Days Every Weeli Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 


Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park &TiIford, MaiUards, 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 

satisfactory will be replaced or 

money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



Berwick 

2!'2 inchei 





COLLARS 

Curve cut to fit over 
the bones and mus- 
cles of the shoulder. 
Means greater com- 
fort and at the same 




Talbot 

2H inches 



time improves the 
sit of the collar. 

It is an exclusive Arrow feature 

15 c each 6 for 90c 

CLUETT, PEABODY & Co. INC. 
Makers Troy, New York, U. S. A. 




DECEMBtR 





1 9 1 



College Engravers 



With- 



The Desire to Please 

The Facilities to Accommodate 

The Experience to Suggest 



Briefly: 

Quality and Service 
For tliose Desiring Good Cuts 

May we liear from you? 

Howard- Wesson Company 

College Engravers 
Worcester, Massacliusetts 



Advertising Chats 



Do you realize that the fifteen cents you 
paid for this number is just about one half 
of its individual publishing cost. 

The men who bought space in the Squib 
are the ones who paid the rest. 

Just as a courtesy to them, next time 
you have occasion to purchase something 
give them a chance to show you what 
they have to offer. 

They will appreciate it too, if you just 
mention that you noticed their ad in the 
Squib. 



Squibby takes this opportunity to wish all its 
advertisers and supporters a Very Merry Christ- 
mas and may your next year be even more 
prosperous than the one just past. 



■"You know McTavish, the Scotch comedian?" 
"Well, what al)out him?" 

"Well, they say that he can't take off the 
Scotch unless lie has taken some on." 

— J acl'-o' -Lantern 



She — Do you believe in long- engagements? 
He — Indeed I do. A couple should be happy 
just ;is long as they f)ossibly can. 

— Gargoyle 



" \\ hen is a tie not a tie?" 

"Shoot." 

"When it becomes vour roommate." 



— Record 



He — My cigars are my best friends. 
Him — You never give any of your friends away, 
do you? 

— Pelican 



GILMORE THEATRE 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 



Four Days Every Week Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 



Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park &Tilford, Mai Hards, 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 

satisfactory will be replaced or 

money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



GIVE THESP: MERCHANTS a CHANCE 




THEY searched his trousers 
While he slept 
They found a note 
And then they left. 

The note was not 
An "X" or "V". 
The note was signed 
"To F. C. Kenny". 



A HINT FOR THE THIN 
rUMP out of the attic window and you'll 
come down plump. 



PEN— "Will eraser tomorrow?" 
Pencil — ^"No, he is afraid he will blotter 
last record." 



"CO you went to Missouri to be shown?" 

^ "Oh, no, I went to a burlesque show 
last week." 



'P"ALMER 
M"E"LICAN 
"P"ERRY 



CUSTOMER— "You keep everything for 
the violin here?" 
Clerk— "Yes Sir." 
Customer — "Give me a stick of dynamite." 

s 

NOABARDY — There were some hicks in 
the physical director's office last night. 
Holme — ^That's nothing. I saw a Curry 
comb in there once. 

s 

"VrOU ought to see my new typewriter." 
* "Second-hand ?" 
"No, a Smith College girl." 

s 

OOBE — ^Why is a country road like a 
soldier's ammunition box? 
Roobe — Because it's full of cart ridges. 



B 



THE SQUIB 




M.WE-BlTeK*' 



A LITTLE STUDY IN EXPRESSION 

(In front of the Dean's Board) 
Find the student who isn't on. 



HAROLD — "Cheer up, they say money 
grows on bushes." 
Edward — ^"I wish you could tell me what 
kind of a bush." 

Harold — "Well, I think it is some variety 
of mint." 



YOU'RE sure you love me for what I am?" 
Asked a gay old maid of a bright young 
man. 
"Ah promise Ah will faithful be, 
To you and not the legacy." 



7IRST FROSH— I am leaving because the 

board don't agree with me. 
Second Ditto — What, hash house? 
First Frosh — No, Dean's. 



SOON comes the longed for holidays 
The time of joy and joke; 
When we must tell our families 
In gentle tones: "I'm broke." 

We think about the by-gone weeks 
How busily they were spent; 
Alas for our lean pocketbooks 
Which lack a single cent. 

The mater says, "Cold weather, John." 
You softly gargle: "Ain't it?" 
And wonder if those London Lifes 
Your fragrant breath have tainted. 

s 

PREPAREDNESS 

THERE have been many inquiries as to what 
was done with the post-holes on Alumni 
Field since the closing of the football season. 
We hereby beg to announce that the Post Hole 
Storage Company, Inc., has contracted to store 
them until next year. The post-holes have 
been carefully dug up, packed in excelsior lined 
boxes, and stored in our new air-tight, water- 
tight, frost-proof warehouse. We guarantee to 
return the post-holes next season absolutely in 
A No. 1 condition, free from all frost cracks, 
warps, etc. 

Respectfully submitted. 

The Post Hole Company, Inc. 

Ima Knutt 
President. 



"T^HE domestic hen," said the zoologist, "has 
* lost the power of flying. Never again 

will the species darken the morning sky." 

"Aw, .shut up," said the consumer, "eggs are 

way up in the air and some of them might hatch 

out. Science can do anything." 



N 



THE LULU BIRD SAYS 

O wonder you feel scrappy when you are 
all cut up. 



WHAT do you want in your stocking.-''" the 
butcher said to the cop. 
"I can think of nothing better," said the copper, 

than a choiJ." 
"And what would you desire to find, O butcher," 

said the cop. 
"I'd like to find your money," said the chopper, 
"for the chop." 

s 



-J. 



CONTRIBUTORS TO THIS ISSUE 

Campbell Dixon '20 



Jones '20 



Webster '20 




PEP" PERSONIFIED 





EP as a By-Product" might be taken by a Billy Sunday as 
the text of a sermon to be preached to college men. "By- 
product" in its primary sense is a secondary product 
made from what would otherwise be the waste of a manu- 
facturing enterprise. In a broader sense, it is anything 
secondary to a more important thing. PEP as a by- 
product of the college man's life should be secondary 
to the greater purpose for which the boy enters college. 
By that we do not mean that the college student should 
continually delve in the hidden mysteries of locked knowl- 
edge, but that PEP should not be the main product of 
his efForts. The Rah! Rah! type is the hero of the fifty 






THE SQUIB 




cent novel and the twentj^-five cent boys' book, which portrays the perverted sort of pep. The man 
who does his job up right when he is given it, who boosts the team, but does not knock, who pays his 
taxes, and attends his class meetings, and supports the campus life in general — that is the man with 
the right sort of pep. He may be loud-mouthed, but not a splash; he is not a fourflusher, and is busi- 
ness-like in his support. 

Pep is a valuable asset in the world at large. We know a minister who is retired, and lives 
on the generosity of a fund, while he spends his idle time, which is all the time, doing nothing which 
will last or count for his glory. We know another minister who is retired, but self-supporting, who 
is the embodiment of all that might be classed as the right sort of pep. He has a farm, owned and 
run by himself. He is a man of sixty years, but does the work of a husky of thirty, markets his product 
in a business-like way, and at the end of the year, can show a balance of worldly goods, as well as 
many appreciative hearts where by kindly offices, he has done more good than the other has with 
all his smooth salve and "Bless-you-brother" sop. 

We know a college "boy" who is always rahrahing, who goes to the one mass-meeting of the 
year and tears all the benches to pieces, and who at the game, escorts a blushing damsel in a pro- 
prietary waj'. He owes his class, his tailor, the Dining Hall, his chum, and his "frat". We know 
another — a more quiet fellow, attractive for the strength of his convictions. Time and again, you 
can find him in the bleachers or on the side-lines at practice. He never skates himself on the varsity 
rink after the "ass" managers have swept the ice, but he has paid his Alumni Field pledge. He never 
throws a biscuit at the Dining Hall, and he has never been on the Dean's Board heavier than two 
" L's ". He does not tell everybody how he would run the team nor does he give a Continental whether 
Tom, Dick or Harry goes to the Gilmore or to a performance of "Uncle Tom's Cabin" by Sarah Bern- 
hardt. This does not mean that he is a grind or does not care about the moral uplift of the campus, 
but it does mean that he minds his own business and shows pep when it is needed and supports what 
he knows he ought to. 



OR this time, the Squib, although generally in a humorous state 
of mind, condescends to a serious mood, and it is in this latter 
'state of mind that we make the following comment. The time of 
"Finals" is again upon us, and again we begin to wonder " Why are 
finals." Are they to show the instructor what one knows.'' As 
a general rule, emphatically no. At least if one is to judge by the 
questions asked. Their greatest benefit lies in the fact that the 
student is obliged to review his term's work. Squihhy believes 
this reviewing could be done far more efficiently by taking it 
up in systematic order as regular class work. The present sys- 
tem practically forces a man to stay up nights and "cram" before 
the finals just enough to remember the work until the "exams" 
are over, and then if he fails to remember certain points, which 
may be of minor importance, to fail him in the course. 

There was an old farmer, who, when he wished to carry 
a bag of grain, always took an empty bag, put some stones in it, 
tying the end of the bag to the end of the grain bag. He would then 
sling the two bags over his shoulder with the grain bag on one side, 
and the bag with the stones in it on the other side to offset or 
balance the weight of the grain. When asked why he didn't 
divide the grain into two bags, instead of carrying a lot of stones, 
he replied: "We have always done it this way and I guess it is 
good enough for me yet." So it is with "finals". Theoldhabit 
still hangs on and probably will until some man, fearless of the comment of others, will step out of 
the present rut and inaugurate a new system so that a man in reviewing his term's work, will do it in 
such a way that he will remember the main points of the course, not for a period of one week only, but 
for a period of years. 





CAMPUS TALK 

JONESIE 
He's my room-mate 
And 

He was looking for 
A scrap 
So 

I sent him up 
To 

The treasurer's 
Office 

And on the 
Floor 
He 

Picked up a Scrap 
A green scrap 
Of engraved paper 
Such as we get 
Sometimes from home 
And as he waved it 
Aloft 
He said 
Hurrah 
I have found 
A bone to pick. 



-THE SQUIB- 



/CHRISTMAS, what do we want at Christ- 
^^ mas????? Pep, and other presents such as 
Chevrolets, checks de cash, and Hawaiian neck- 
wear. We trust that all the readers of the 
Sqtnb will enjoy themselves and that all who 
do not enjoj' themselves will become members 
of the Squib, in other words, we wish everyone 
a merry Christmas, bon noel, etc., including 
ourselves. 



N 



UT — Why is it so hot at the circus? 
Tee — The heat is in tents. 



JJT. NICK — And what would you like in 
' the stocking? 
Prodigal Son A fatted calf. 



' I 'HEY had been on a hunting trip for a few 
^ days and as their luck was not productive 
of food, the supply on hand was in a weak con- 
dition. Finally they hit a good trail and one 
of the party sighed that he wished they could 
land something. Whereupon he was informed 
that^it was barely ])ossibIe that they might bag 
a doe. 




WHY NOT? 

WHY not have the finals at the beginning 
of the term and do away with all this 
cramming? If you do not pass the final then, 
you will study to raise your mark, and if you do 
pass the final, you will not have to study. This 
will work out satisfactorily to all. Try it. 




LADY — "Your produce seems very high." 
Farmer — "Well, why shouldn't it be! 
When you've got to know the botanical 
name of the plants you raise and the ento- 
mological name of the bug that eats 'em 
and the chemical formula for the thing that 
kills the bug, — somebody's got to pay!" 



n 



a« 



THE SQUIB 





dL^^ 



Wheae was Billy 5vnday 
When they mixed the 5chedvleP 



CRAMMING tonight, cramming tonight, 
Give us a pail of beer. 
Many are the lights that are burning tonight. 
Here's hoping we get by clear. 
Cramming tonight, cramming tonight, 
Cramming on the old prof's trail. 



AUTOIST (slowing down)— "Tired of walk- 
ing?" 
Stranger (running to get into auto) — 
"Yes." 

Autoist (speeding up) — "Run for a while, 
then." 

Stranger (!X? !!!!? — ) 



INSTRUCTORS and especially lab. assistants 
*■ acting as monitors or pussyfoots during the 
finals would do well to examine all fountain pens 
used in the writing of exams. They may con- 
tain inspired ink which has dope on the final 
exam in question. Safety final! 



^ATTY — Say, I just learned why you 

don't catch cold in your head! 
Skinny— "How's that?" 
Fatty — Cold can't penetrate a vacuum!! 



PAY DAY FOR WILLIE 

FLUFFIE— Do you like Billy Sunday? 
Ruffles — ^Yes, but he has more money 
Saturday nights. 



WN the Stadium one day the Harvard quarter- 
* back was rather erratic, so much so that 

an alumnus burst forth, "What the d 1 ails 

that man; he always throws the pass at random." 

Immediately his wife looked around at the score 

board to see where this man Random was playing. 




66 



Pepless" Wonders 



Whose Squib are You Reading" 




rgs SIX HAN ROPE PULL 

TEAn NEEDED'PCP; BUT 

TiiCII? ONE riANTCrtM IS 
NOT 50 B AD 



yOUNFEPLOTSOf PCP* 

IN THE riR^TLET TEK TO 

THAT T^ACil VOU nj r TurtNNSCIi 



TiNC TEP IMTO TUT SeNIOR COUHSES 



^ 



THE SQUIB 



TO MY SAMPLE CASE 

(I sold Aluminum last summer.) 

OH thou my dear old sample case! 
I dearly love thee well; 
Thoii'st been my constant joy and friend 
On days as hot as h 1. 

I love thj^ reddish brown, 

And sleek and ample sides, 

They're filled with samples clean and bright 

About which I have lied. 

But when I've found I've told a tale 
That cannot bear the light, 
If they will tell me what I said, 
I'm glad to make it right. 

But j-ou, my dear old sample case, 
You've stoutly stood the test, 
And oft upon you I have sat 
When I have needed rest. 

And when this summer's work is o'er 
And I to school have gone. 
You'll know that in my sad, sad heart 
A feeling has been born. 

A feeling 'tis of joy and pride 
And not of doubt nor fear, 
That I shall never, never do again 
AYhat I have done this year. 

No more I'll tramp the dusty roads. 
Nor at the doors I'll knock. 
No more I'll sit upon my case 
In absence of a rock. 

But you my dear old sample case, 
You've been a friend to me. ' 
'Tis not your fault that those I've met 
Have shown discourtesy. 

And when in future years I walk 
With slow unsteady pace, 
A place there'll still be in my heart 
For you, my sample ca.se. 



"'I 'HEY will meet but they will miss him, there 

* will 1)6 one vacant chair" 
.\ii(l the sofmores should be thankful, all the Big 
'i'hree are not there. 



A prof should get a bonus if his class takes 
•* no cuts in the course, but a class that takes 
no cuts should get a sanatarium course. 



REFORMATION 

THERE'S a college in the valley 
Of a certain famous river 
Where they fed the jolly students 
Beef on toast and chicken liver. 

Every once or twice a fortnight 
The monotony was busted 

By a cubic inch of beef-steak 
Or a minute cup of custard. 

Once a year they had sweet cider 
In a one-quart demijohn; 

Ate for breakfast every morning 
Oats or malt or pettijohn. 

But the ancient order changeth 
'Neath the fierce investigation 

And the complicated menu 

Gave the scullions no vacation. 

We get chicken, peas, potatoes, 
Orange marmalade, and ham, 

Oyster stew and Injun pudding. 

"Pussy-Foot" don't give a d 

Scullions fast and waiters able 
Never keep a fellow waitin' 

And we only hope to goodness 
They keep on investigatin'. 



GOING AND COMING 

CROSS not a bridge till you come to it", 
The young knight mused in thought. 
As he rode across his gallant horse. 
To a castle near that spot. 
"Cross not a bridge till you come to it", 
Some wise old codger wrote, 
So the knight passed on, nor wound his horn. 
And he fell into the moat. 

"Look before you leap" they say. 
He thought of this as he walked afield, 
When a roaring bull pursued him full, 
And he dropt his sword and shield. 
"Look before you leap", he thought, 
So looked he o'er the fence, 
But the bull charged on, and shook his horn. 
And tossed the poor cuss hence. 



11 




-THE SQUIB 



§^^* 



W 



^m 




I 



j^yjri^-f-'--::__^ 



>■" i^a-kfen 



•A long yell 
Hip, Hip. 



A MASS MEETING 

CHEERLEADER— All right now, 
for that team, make it .snai)py. 

Feeble yell from mob. 

Cheerleadei" — -Aw watsa mattuh, that was the 
rottenest yell since college started. Now again 
and put some pep in it this time. Hip, Hip. 
Less feeble yell from mob. 

Cheerleader — That wasn't so bad. Now we are 
going to hear some real talks now. 

Spirited student — ^ Where's your pep, who ain't 
goin' to that game. Aintcha got no pep. What 
we got to have around here is pep. Every year 
the pep around here makes me sick. There ain't 
enough pep in the whole college to make a cat 
sneeze. Why only today I saw a freshman give 
up the last cent he had to pay back board at the 
hash house and the game only two days away. 
What kinda pep do yuh call that.^ Why back 
when I was a Frosh everybody went to the game 
even if they had to hock some of John Spaghett's 
statuary. They had pep in them days. The 
college is goin' to the dawgs now, no jjep. Pep. 
Pep. Pep. That's all fellus. 

Loud yelling and banging by mob. 

Cheerleader — Who ain't goin' to the game now? 

Nobody stands, loud cheering. 

Cheerleader — Thasze old pep. Lessee who have 
bought tickets. 

Everybody stands, loud cheering. 

Cheerleader (musing to himself) — Thas funny 
and I have a whole bale of tickets left. 

Razoo Club enters with six and one half frosh 
reporting that some seniors told them to go to 
hell, so they came back to the meeting. 

Cheerleader — I wanta have these tickets outa 
my hands by tomorrow. A long yell for that 
team now, make it snappy. 

Corker yell. 



A TYPICAL ASSEMBLY 

2.10 Speaker introduced as the greatest living 
man in his line. (Some line.) 

2.20 Sfjcaker gets away with a joke about the 
superfluous introduction. 

2.30 Remarks about the co-eds and predicts 
that there will be more. 

2.40 Tells how he used to be a farmer boy 
himself. 

2.50 Takes five minutes to say that he is 
going to stop speaking. 

2.55 Snoozers wake up at loud hand clapping. 

2.56 Prexy goes out, not followed by speaker. 
2.56 1-9 Prexy returns and lugs speaker out. 
2 57 Mass meeting. Don't ride bicycles on 

the sidewalks. Nobody dares to tell the truth 
about the hash-hou.se. 

2.60 Senior class meeting. All other class 
meetings scattered over the campus. 



WHAT TO INVENT FOR STUDENTS 

An alarmless alarm clock. 
Vest pocket note-taking machine. 
Morningless chapel or absent treatment. 
Combination everlasting tobacco pounch and 

match box. 
Non-leakable self spilling fountain pen. 
Number System for changing 39 to 93. 
An indetecable check raiser. 



SHE (in a new gown) — ^"How do you like it, 
hubby.'" 
He (scanning its scantiness) — ^"Is it up to 
style?" 

She — ^"Why certainly, it is a 1917 model." 
He — ^"I thought it was sold before it got its 
growth." 

10 



THE SQUIB 




'HERE is no lack of "Pep" in the Stockbridge 
Coat Room scrambles. 



LADIES AND GENTLEMEN 

To avoid needless repetition and negative ap- 
plause, all outside speakers should observe 
the following hints: 

1. Say that you came here for the ride, not 
for the pleasure of addressing such a fine looking 
body of young men and women. 

2. It is understood that you were born and 
reared on a farm. 

3. Exploit our wonderful opportunities — to 
transcribe times on Aggie, Ec. 

4. Make some sly reference to the co-eds 
and .stroke your whiskers. 

.5. Solve the dormitory problem by telling 
how to use North and Soutli in the shifts per 
day, for sleeping. 

6. Throw a time bomb into the junior section 
to wake them uj> in time for the usual mass 
meeting. 

7. To add local color, compare Napoleon to 
Henry Young, proving the former to be a four 
fl usher. 

H. Describe the campus in '88 when yon were 
here last on a vi.sit to the only co-ed. 



HIS LIFE CYCLE 

SHE — Why does that author go off on a tear 
and get drunk.? 

He — So he can write stories about his experi- 
ences. 

She — But why does he want to write about his 
experiences ? 

He — So as to get some money. 

She — But why does he want money? 

He — So he can go off on a tear and get drunk 
again. 

s 

"T^AP is part of a fraternity rallying cry, "Howdy 
I pap." 

Pip is what a chicken has when it can't cackle. 

Pop is what ginger beer sounds like. 

Pup is what a dog used to be. 

But PEP is what we all need. 

s 

REVISED REVERIES OF A STUDENT 

ONE student without any "Pep" may easily 
prevent two hearts from beating as one. 

"Pep" is not blind, but there are many stu- 
dents who have poor eyesight. 

"Pep" makes men and not mollycoddles. 

After a student has become a Soph, he acquires 
some "Pep" but he shows his "pep" chiefly at 
informals. 

Figures don't lie; it's said, so it is best not to 
publish Aggie's "pep" in figures. 

Sometimes, thank God! when "pep comes in 
at the door", crabbiness flies out at the window. 

Pep is not really akin to Love. Love is but 
a step further. 

s 

WHETHER it is really just to the college 
or not, it is an admitted fact that a college 
is classed by the general public as its teams 
are rated in the athletic world. Now everyone 
of us want to have Aggie's teams looked up to 
and honored by all. There are two factors in 
a team's success, first the players, and second, 
its supporters. Since the men who take part 
in athletics at Aggie give all they have to their 
teams, it is u\) to the rest of the student body 
to do all they can to encourage the players all 
through the season. We saw what "pep" did 
at Medford and more recently at Springfield. 
What better or more convincing proof of its 
value do we want.' What we lack is "pep" 
and until we get so enthusiastic that we will 
yell our heads off, we are not doing our share 
to bring credit to M. A. C. 



12 



BECKMANN'S 

Always for the best 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 

247-249 Main Street 
Northampton 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 

The Best Place To Dine 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

Special Luncheon from 1 1 .30 to 2 P. M. 
Meet me at "DICKS" 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Sanderson & Thompson 

THE HOME OF 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 
and Fine Furnishings 

PRICES ALWAYS REASONABLE 

SANDERSON & THOMPSON 
AMHERST 



Henry Adams Co. 
Cbe no, H. (!♦ 
2)rugGists ^ 

Candies and Ices 

Cigarettes and Tobacco 

The Rexall Store 



Wholesome old fashion food served 

in the most modern 

bnanner at the 



COLONIAL INN 



At the Entrance to the campus 



"Johnnie, you don't have to 
bring in the wood; father is 
coming home with a load." 

— Awswan 



Wife — Can you give me some 
eggs that you will guarantee 
that there are no chickens in? 

Grocer — Yes mom, some duck 
eggs. 

— Awswan 



"Looka here you, ef youall 
don't gawan away and leave muh 
I'se gonna knock yoah heaad off 
an' throw it in youor face." 

— Awswan 



When a man drinks tea only 
is he a tee- to tier! 

■ — Awgwan 



In a photograph office — "Now 
I suppose you want me to look 
pleasant." 

"Yes, unless you want to look 
natural." 

— Awswan 



I have renewed Aggie Men's Soles 
for the Past Ten Years. 

HOW IS YOUR SOLE? 

Better let GINSBURG fixyoursoles 

J. Ginsburg 

SHOE REPAIRING 

11 1-2 Amity St. 



It is better to 
have your 

U^dnttuQ 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printino— IRuUna— BinMng 

North Adams, Mass. 



CAMPION 



FINE 

TAILORING 

College Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



^NORTHAMPTONl^ 



Vlt^mouth Inn 



^MASSACHUSETTS -^ 



A High-Glass Hotel 
desirably located for 

dolletje patronaGC 

American mid European Plans 




Especially suited to the 

requirements of tourists on 

account of its pleasant location 

Special Attention to Banquets 



Phone Connection 

Mandolins, Guitars and Musical Merchandise 

Milton O. Wicks 

Maker, Collector and Repairer of Fiddles, Etc. 

Dealer in 

Hawaiian Ukuleles, Steel Guitars &, Accessories 

Plaza Theatre Building 
51 Pleasant St., Northampton, Mass. 



OVERTIME 




Will Ik' sure (o in jure your 
oyc'H — increase the comjjJaint 
— why not get lop notcli 
eye-glass service and satis- 
factifjn by having ns (ill your 
needs? 

We specialize on prescrip- 
lion filling —on <'xactness 
.Lnd liighcsl grade work. 



STRAINS EYES 

O. T. Dewhurst 

Maker of Perfect Fitting Classes 



201 M-.iIti SI. 
Northiimplon, M;imh. 



OpniiHlle Clly ll.ill 
lulcphonc- IK4-W 



R. F. Armstrong & Son 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

Holeproof Hose 

Guaranteed no darning; just right for 
College Men 

25 Cents a Pair 



The Elms Restaurant 

Where Quality and Quantity Dwell 

Try our dinner and supper specials 

E. G. DILL. Prop. 
NORTHAMPTON. MASS. 



COLLEGE CANDY KITCHEN 

HOME MADE CHOCOLATES. CARAMELS. MINTS, AND SALTED NUTS 

Nul and Marshmallow Fudges 

All Kinds of Hard Candies and Taffies 

This is the Place for llol Drinks find Ice Creams When you are down Town 

Our Ice Crcarn Served ul Ye Aggie Inn. On Way to Postoffice 



<()-()VKn.\TK WITH TJIK HOAIM) AND I'ATIIONIZK TJIKSE ADVERTISERS 



Standard Diaries and Daily 
Reminders for 1917 

All kinds of desk Calendars 

At 

A. J. Hastings 

Newsdealer and Stationer 



HOCKEY SHOES 

AND 

SKATES 

SOMETHING SPECIAL IN STETSON 
SHOES 

E. M. BOLLES 

THE SHOE MAN 



When Dad Comes to 
See You 

Send Him down to 

THE AMHERST HOUSE 



Bolllu)]) — Here's your water, sir. 
Kentucky Alunmus — -Water? What for)' Is 
le room on fire!"' 

— Fiiiicli Boirl 



"My face is my fortune. " 

"What an eucumberance to inherit." 



-Froth 



.Vhout college, we are told, there are two sad 
tliinii's. t)ne of them is graduating. The other 
is not graduating. 

— Juck-o'-La)ifcni 



Two tranii)s who had been literary men but 
had fallen even lower were w-ending their hungry 
way past a farm house. Smoke was coming from 
the kitchen chimney. It was supper time for 
everybody but the literary tramps. 

Mused one, "It looks like Keats over there." 
Answered the other, "Yes, and I bet the 
potatoes are Browning." 

Siiii Dial 



Pessimist — One who has lived with an opti- 
mist. 

— California Pelican 



"Young man, do yon favor professorial free- 
dom of speech?" 

"Sure, let "em say what tliey think without 
thiidving what they say." 

— California Pelican 



"I want something good to read," breathed 
the indifferent one. 

"God bless you," said the good, prim old soul 
as she handed out a coi)y of the New Testament, 
"anything else?" 

— Snn Dial 



THE VETERAN 

Recruiting Ofticei- — "So you wisii to enlist in 
our army. Any experience?" 

Would-be Soldier — "None, sir." 

Otticer— "Married?" 

Would-be Soldier — "Yes, twice." 

Officer — -"Here is your commission. Such ex- 
l)erience is invaluable." 

— Princeton Tiger 



FLEMING'S 

BOOT SHOP 



211 MAIN STREET 
NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



A MISFIT 

They sat on the steps at midnight, 
But her love was not to his taste. 
His reach was 30 inches, 
Wiiile hers was a "4(5" waist. 

— Yale Record 



S. S. HYDE 

JEWELER AND OPTICIAN 

A full line of College Jewelry 

S])ectacle lenses accurately replaced 
bring the broken lenses. 

13 Pleasant St. 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE HOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



P A VQPI ^Q ^^^ College Man's Shop 

l\^\ I Of-^U 1^ 179 Main St. Northampton 

Clothes, Furnishings, Shoes, Hats 

It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the 

correct thing in young men's wear Visit us for Distinctive Apparel 


ft^- 


School and College 

l^botograpbers 

Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
NEW YORK CITY 


52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 


"Were you copying his notes?" 
"Oh no, sir! I was only looking to see if he 
had mine right." 

— Lampoon 


"I hear you have turned botanist." 

"Yes — at present I'm specializing in two lips." 

—Froth 


Queener — "Do you know how to do this new 
dance, 'Walkin' the Dawg?'" 

Athlete — ^"Well, I don't know the steps but 
I know the holts." i 

— Longhorn 


Him— "How did you like the stage hangings 
in that Shakespeare show?" 

He — "There weren't no hanging, y" boob; he 
killed 'em with a sword." 

— Widow 


For Winter Sporting Goods, come in and see our 
line. A full line of Skates, including college hockey 
and rink skates. 

A good assortment of Hockey Sticks 
Sleds of all kinds 

And the best line of .Skis ever shown in Amherst 
Also all the straps, harnesses and poles 
to go with them 

The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 

35 South Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 


Compliments of 

E. D. Marsh Estate 

STUDENT FURNITURE 
and CARPETS 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



CROYSDALE INN 

SOUTH HADLEY, MASS. 

Christmas Dinner 

1 p. M. 

I 
i 

TABLES RESERVED 'Phone 2628-W Holyoke 



Jinks — Billings sure likes to put on airs. 

Binks — What's he doing now? 

Jinks — Oh, he fills a gasoline can with water 
and carries it home in full sight of the neighbors 
every night. 

! — Widoir 



Doll — "Jatik is getting so stingy 1 don't enjoy 
his company." 

Node — "Yes, he's even beginning to he saving 
with his kisses." 

—Froth 





Every month have a copy sent to her 

home by bringing $1.25 to 12 

South College 

$1 .25 will bring a Squib to any home in U. S. A. 
Read your own copy! 



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IC^^p xuitty ^0xt 



^ifakt&pieari^ 




LtlC OqUlD The Happy Number 




'Universal Armament' 



FEBRUARY 1917 



FIFTEEN CENTS 



p A VQFI ^^ ^^^ College Man's Shop 

l\./\ I kJHuL^ KJ 179 Main St.. Northampton 

Clothes, furnishings, Shoes, Hats 

It is our hobby to ALWAYS have just the 

correct thing in young men's wear Visit us for Distinctive Apparel 


m* ^^^T 


School and College 


52 CENTER ST., Northampton, Mass. 


||v l»/v/ i^V vj V ^ p' I^W t V 

Main Studios: 1546-48 BROADWAY 
NEW YORK CITY 


A LITTLE LIE 
IIT'HEN first I met with Muriel 

' ' My poor old heart was lanced once more. 
I felt, I ]cnexc I loved her well; 
Better than all that went before. 

I told her she was the first I'd loved, 

I'd be to her a willing slave. 

She laughed, and worse, appeared unmoved; 

She said I was a scheming knave. 

But she believed! Oh! blessed girl; 
She said I was her first love, too. 
Ah! life is happy with my pearl; 
What good a little lie can do. 


A GOOD DOG FOR A CENT J 
" IJEY, Bo, do you want to buy a barometer 
^ dog?" 

"Wot kinda dog's zat.?" 
"One that kin smell a storm a mile off." 
"Naw. I don't want no storm scenter in my : 
room." 

— Longhorn 

# 

■O HE— "Did he go on the stage for his health?" 
*^ He — "No, he is a vegetarian, and he wanted 1 
his meals free." 


For Winter Sporting Goods, come in and see our 
line. A full line of Skates, including college hockey 
and rink skates. 

A good assortment of Hockey Sticks 
Sleds of all kinds 

And the best Hne of Skis ever shown in Amherst 
Also all the straps, harnesses and poles 
to go with them 

The Mutual Plumbing & Heating Co. 

35 South Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 
_ 


F. W. FULLER AGENCY 

Established 1898 
Western Massachusetts Representatives of the ; 

EQUITABLE LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY 

Life assurance and endowments in all forms, life incomes, 
annuities and income bonds for individual men and women, 
and for firms, institutions and corporations. Attention 
given to the special requirements of each applicant, 
inquiries may be made in person, or by mail, or by 
telephone. 

F. W. FULLER, General Agent and Manager, 

207 Fuller Building, 317 Main St., Springfield, Mass. 
Boston Branch, 56 Equitable Bldg., 67 Mill: St., Boston 

Compliments of 

EVERETT S. RICHARDS ' 

Agent M. A. C. '16 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 




H 



AT IHE PROM 
E — "Don't you think that I am pretty 
light on my feet?" 
She — "Yes, but you are heavy on mine." 



o 



ANOTHER ONE ON BRAINS 
NE Frosh — That prof gave us something 
to think about. 
'Nother One — Something for nothing, hey? 



SMITH Frosh— "I think that she ought to 
study German." 
Smith Soph — "No, one tongue is enuf for 
her." 

s 



THEY SHOULD HAVE CARRIED SAFETIES 
'X'lIE ancient Greeks enjoyed a blessing 
*■ Their trousers never needed pressing 
But to their joy some gloom attaches 
They had no place to strike their matches. 

s 

A CHOPPY SEE 

PHUNEM — That guy doublecrossed me. 
Ayebyte — Howz 'at? 
Phunem — ^He's cross eyed and he looked 
straight at me. 

s 

DO YOU TIP, IN THE GRILL? 

' I 'HE twinkling stars are falling 
* From the dewy shades of night 
And the waiters are rushing onward 
Grabbing all the coin in sight. 



THE END OF THE SOUP 

GENTLEMAN (to new waiter)— Bring me 
some oxtail soup. 
Waiter — Oxtail soup suh, yes suh, I'll get it for 
you right away but it is a powerful long way to 
go back for soup. 



FAIR AND WARMER 

'IP — Where is the weather man? 

• Bang — He's downstairs getting a shower. 



THERE exists an old fellow named Satan 
Whose manners are quite aggravatin'; 
He for; 

started what 

this just 

war knows 

No one 
May a hand grenade smash his old pate in. 

s 

PROMY— I'm all balled up. 
Nod— How's that? 
Pro my — ^Everything I own is in hock. 



'ROSH— "I was born in April." 

Soph — "When it rains it pours." 



X 



— Why do they have to wash this floor so 
often? 
Y — It's scrub pine. 



THE SQUIB 



Here's to the studies if such things can bless 
A poor wretch like me who has made such a 

mess 
Passing what courses I did. 
Plugging, my gray matter some to impress 
You think I should worry — why let cares 

oppress? 



CAMPUS TALK 

YESTERDAY 
I saw my friend, 
He was looking fat and happy 
Naturally 

I asked him where he was 
Eating and Sleeping 
Also how much he was getting 
Stabbed for it. 
It's a secret 
He whispered 
I am sick all the time now 
And I live up at the 
Infirmary. 
It costs me 
One plunk a day 

I have my breakfast served in bed 
It's corker 

This little stunt costs me 
Seven plunks a week 
That's about as cheap as 
Some of you guys get by. 
Very true 
Says I. 

I find upon inspection 
That I have 
Intercostal neuralgia 
Superinduced by overstudy 
I am going to the 
Infirmary. So long. 



STEW — "What have you in your room for 
cold?" 
Dent — "Steam heat." 



GAS HOUSE TALK 
^MOKESTACK- You're full of coke. 
^ Furnace — ^Tanks for dat remark. 
Fluey — ^O my, what an iron retort! 




o 



LOT^D ONLY NOSE 

NE — I see that the investigation committee 
found one great deficiency at Aggie. 
The other — AVhat was it? 
One — ^There was no ape in the Apiary. 



STUDE— "Hey 'wiflf' bring me a glass of water." 
Ent — ^"Aw watchatink I am a wet nurse?" 

s 

I was "over the river" the other night calling 
when the lights went out. I obeyed that 
impulse and kissed her lighfly. It was perfectly 
plain then to see where I stood. 



w 



HY was Adam like Billy Sunday?' 
"I give up." 
Neither like to see Eve ill." 



I knew a young boy in Fall River 
Who was slim and slight as a quiver 
He slipped from a cliff 
And fell with a biff 
He's an arrow now in a quiver. 



DAOWN T' TH' FUST ORFICE, BY HEN 

IF "creeper" ever gits back thi' snoon, tell him 
that they's one a them speshul devilry letters 
same's wot came in last week. He might's well 
hunt it up and take it out this afternoon, prob'ly 
the feller might expect it. 



THE SQUIB- 




"liie ■fctn<4= of -Hte. Sp«ci«j l£ more d^odly -tllan +*)e n=>ki . 



"^0-ED — I don't like this math, course. 
-^ Prof.— Why not? 
Co-Ed — On account of the improper fractions. 



THE Radcliffe girl is feeling sad, 
For she's thinking of the day 
When the mean old profs wrote to dad 
And took her "cigs" away. 

She now sits on her downy bed 
And the only rings she blows 
Are the ringlets on her pretty head 
Falling o'er her eyes and nose. 



THOSE WHO TAKE ANI HUS 

HURRAH for the professor 
Hurrah for his lamb 
Hurrah for the co-eds 
Who do not give a d n. 



'HE bullet hit a steel rib so her life was saved. 
Of corset was. 



THERE once lived a girl on the Island of Crete 
Whose costume was made out of plain 
Shredded Wheat 
Her skirt was most void 
Being celluloid 
So you see that the outfit was very neat. 



BE HAPPY 

WHEN you're piling out on a cold gray morn 
Shivering and putting your clothing on 
And the whole blame world seems all dead wrong, 
Forget your woe, sing a brighter song. 
Be HajDpy! 

If the service is poor at the hash house at noon 
You beat it angrily back to your room 
And repeat this performance from fall until June, 
Oh! be happy and sing us a jollier tune. 
Be Happy! 

Whether the clouds bring us hail, snow, or rain 
You snarl and you crab but there's really no gain 
Your breath is just wasted, your talk is in vain, 
Cheer up and whistle the optimist's strain. 
Be Happy! 

If the classes get dull and the profs tend to bore us 
It's our fault, not theirs, that our marks become 

porus 
We must study, not crab, to make them decorus. 
There's a loftier note, so join in the chorus. 
Be Happy! 

x\s the sun sets today o'er the neighboring hill 
Let us turn a new leaf, make a resolute will 
To withstand the mistakes and with new joy instill 
The life on the campus; then this song we'll trill. 
Be Happy! 



CO-ED — "It isn't her good looks that gets 
her by." 
Co-ed — "No, but Tim banks on them." 

s 

LET'S go to dinner," said the student life saver 
Unto the mermaid fair, 
"I'd like to go," said she 
"But goodness me, 
AVhat am I going to wear?" 

"Don't worry about the clothes, my dear," 
Said the student from Spokane, 
"For in these fashionable days. 
One finds out that it only pays 
To wear as little as one can." 



BAT— "Have you a life cycle?" 
He — ^"No. My pocketbook has yet to be 
touched by a woman." 




PUBLISHED AT MASSACHUSETTS AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE 



Editor-in-Chief 
F. C. LARSON '17 

Associate Editors 

L. T. BUCKMAN '17 

I. W. INGALLS '18 

Assistants 

W. A. HATHAWAY '19 

H. B. PEIRSON '19 

H. L. DIXSON '20 



Art Editor 
H. A. PRATT '17 

Art Staff 
F. K. BAKER '18 



Assistants 

M. F. WEBSTER '20 

C. BUNKER '20 



Business Manager 
A. BOOTH '17 

Asst. Business Mgr. 
S. B. FERRIS '19 

Assistants 

A. J. WING '19 

L. P. MARTIN '20 

D. C. DOUGLAS '20 



$1.25 A YEAR 



'QUID AGIS AGE AGGIE" 



15 CENTS A COPY 



All contributions should be addressed to the Editor-in-Chief. They will be given credit 
in the annual elections, to the board. Business communications should be addressed to the 
Business Manager IS South College. 

Entered as second-class matter January 31, 1916 at the post office at Amherst, Mass. 



Vol. III. 



FEBRUARY, 1917 



No. 5 



HIS time Squihhys smile breaks into a happy laugh for 
signs of Spring are in the air. Baseball fans are greas- 
ing up their gloves and the coach will soon be on the 
diamond earning his salary. They are happy. The 
track men will jump from the boards to the cinders 
and the fussers will go "queening" in the great out- 
doors instead of the rather uncertain parlor stuff. They 
too are happy. Second term finals are on their way 
which gives great glee to the profs now that they have 
three chances instead of two. Be happy yourself and 
everybody else will seem hap])y to you for as the old 
saying goes, "When you are down in the mouth think 
of Jonah, he came out all riglvt." The pessimist may 
have his uses, but the optimist has him beaten forty 
ways. Thus HquiUnj presents himself clad in the sheets of the Happy Number. 




THE SQUIB 



' I 'HE Squib wishes to issue another call for candidates for the editorial and art staffs. Students 
*■ in all the classes are eligible. Therefore show a little interest in literary work and make your 
funny bone labor a little for a good cause. We are very desirous to get as many men as possible. 



The Squib regrets the resignation of L. C. Higgins '18 from the editorial department. Leo 
has departed and registered at Harvard University. His loss will be keenly felt by the Squib but 
perhaps his endeavors along literary lines will help the Lampoon. 



This number of the Squib has been edited by I. W. Ingalls '18. 



Contributors: 

H. Dixon '20 

H. DeW. Oppee '20 



C. Bunker '20 
M. Webster '20 



A. W. Spaulding '17 F. K. Haines '18 
E. B. Newton '19 R. S. Boles '17 





S M I U E "DAM -(/A 



3 N; 1 L £. I 



-THE SQUIB- 








HoOK" LrNE, 'ANP ^\NKeT?! 







THE llAPPy T-ROf: 



Just Cr D~r- aT( a isf 




s 

FOOLING THE PROFS AGAIN 




SOMETIMES HE DVt-SHEA-RS 1H,NUS 

s 



C IC Arette — How did Verrie Dents manage 
^ to get sixty in that exam? 



)ROF. X made a scene when I went to see him 

about that exam I flunked flat. 
And— 

Sic Adog — He shaved before he took it and He made much Ado About Nothing. 

had a smart sensation. S 

THE TRUTH EXPLODEDE 
g lEWIN'YA (18)— Be careful how you throw 

^ that copy of "Sappy Stories" around 
here. 
_ NOT VERY LONG THOUGH Seein'ya (17)- Why zat? 

13 WING on in chem exam: — And AgNO.), Jewin'ya (I8y — They are putting lots of 

*^ like Schlitz, is kept in brown bottles. explosives in magazines nowadays. 



-THE SQUIB 





FUS^iN 





THf |-|^?Py STUDElsiT 



y JtO THE B-t-M <r 



N X H p H hK e s 



^^_^ Hf\ Finals ' 




CO "WO HOME 



UNIVERSAL ARMAMENT 

SHE — How is it that all the fellows nowadays 
put their arm around you? 
The other — They all believe in universal 
armament. 



FROSH — "Has your room-mate any bad 
habits?" 
Junior — ^"Just one, he swears at the alarm 
clock every morning." 



BE CAREFUL 

SMASHEM — " I'm going to blow my brains 
out," shouted the youth who had been 
flunked out. 

Crashem — ^"Hold on," said his cool headed 
roomie. "Those are my shoes you are wear- 
ing." 

s 



M 



Y pen won't write. 
Isn't the ink well? 



A STUDY 01 



\ I / 




The Deep and Thoughtless 

Here's the deep and thoughtless student 
With his hat crammed on his dome 
All he has to worry him 
Is the pretty dame back home. 

s 

SHE WAS THE FLOUR OF HIS SOUL 
"r\0 you love me," said Dotty, resting her 
'^ face on Jack's shoulder. 
"Yes, only you talc too much," replied 
Jack woefully, looking at his shoulder. 

s 

BACK TO EARTH 
A WY — When you are flying, what sort of 
**^ a feeling do you have when you look at 
the earth? 
Attor — Just terra fir mu. 

s 

TYPEWRITER SUPPLIES 

FELLA— I want some ribbon for my type- 
writer. 
Goil — Ribbon counter second aisle on left. 




A Young Bright 
Tresh/'i^. 



he 



This is the bright young freshie 
Who in his cute and winning way 
Is reaching for a regular hat 
To wear Saint Patrick's Day. 



NO CHRISTMAS IN THOSE DAYS 

STOCK— If Achilles had lived today 
would never have been killed. 
Kings — Advance. 

Stock — He would have worn Holeproof 
stockings. 

s 

SWAT HIM 

SHE — Why do they have wire netting in the 
grandstand? 
He — To keep the foul flies out. 
She — Why foolish, flies can get through 
that. 



8 



SPRING HATS 




Qualify By G-osh 



HERE'S a funny looking duck 
His age is under fifty 
And if we're not mistaken 
He thinks his lid quite niphty. 

s 

A STEP TOWARD WISDOM 
"X'lS folly to be wise when ignorance is bliss, 
*■ And hard blows do not dent the tough 
hide of a mule; 
But when you've knocked your head enough 

you'll find out this: 
A step toward wisdom is to realize you are 
a fool. 

s 

FROSH to Co-ed who has slipped on the ice. 
"Can I assist you? I belong to the Ladies' 
Aid Society." 




Cpzd Q 



D 



uee.n 



Here's a familiar picture 
Of a typical co-ed queen 
Her jealous idea in buying hats 
Is to make the others green. 

s 

ID you ever notice how o-fish-all the waiters 
are on Friday? 



H 



E — Nature is honest. 

Li Kel. I saw the corn crib. 



\ NNE — This steak reminds me of yore. 
^ Kyccc: Frinstance? 
Anne — Your rubber boots. 



-THE SQUIB 



THE KNOCK 

THIS hat in shade a deep rich green 
Might to a young bright freshie seem 
To be his ardent heart's desire 
"Twould set his very soul on fire. 

But for a deep and thoughtful stude 

It must be that he's just a dude. 
If such an awful thing he wears 

Just so he'll capture co-ed stares. 

s 

THE ANSWER 

FAR too small this tiny head attire 
To demonstrate my ardent heart's desire 
And 'tis not the color that tells the tale, 
But quality that doth never fail. 

And in tliat respect this hat does beat 
Any other chapeau seen on the street. 

E'en that of the deep (?) and thoughtless stude 
Hasn't a show with that of the dude. 

Full well I feel the admiring glare 

As the hat passes by the co-eds' stare. 

But I should worry and I should smile 
They're just ten years behind the style. 

'Tis not the hat with its shade of green 

That catches the eye of the co-ed queen.^?? 

But rather the striking face below 

Brightening all with its radiant glow. 

The hat that doth this message bear 

Is what you think I ought to wear. 
The ancient that owned it is dead and gone 
So if the cap fits you, why just put it on. 

Signed T. W. 
S 
^ OU CAN BE SURE THAT IE YOU 

BRING a girl on the campus, somebody will 
bawl you out and yell, "Remember I got to 
have my shoes tonight." 

Post a notice in the Social Union, ten minutes 
later wise guys will write so many hilarious com- 
ments all over it, that you will think you are 
reading the latest copy of "Strife." 

Borrowed money to go to the prom you will 
be dunned for the rest of your college life. 

Get a seat on the last car from Hamp, it is a 
mi.stake on the part of the company. 

Hafjpcn to be overcome with that rare sensa- 
tion of the desire for study, somebody will come 
in and insist on a bull fest with you. 

Lend some fellows money they are conferring 
a great favor upon you when they return it. 

If you are not on the Dean's Board nobody will 
notice it. 
10 




It's not an ancient mariner 
With this horse so wild and bold 
For he has the landlubber's hat on 
To separate him from the cold. 

s 

IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY 

HARRY — Hey, lookit. Jack, see that smoke 
near the chem lab? 

Jack — Yep, the lab must be on fire. 

(Meets Frank) — Hey, Frank, the chem lab is 
burning down. 

Frank — Gee, is that right? 

(Frank meets Art) — Did you hear about the 
lab fire? Seven fellus wuz fatally burned. 

Art — Zat so? Good night. 

(Art meets George) — ^'Aloe, George. The chem 
lab is on fire. Seven students is burned to death 
and all the profs were asphixiated. 

George — Oh, goody, the mean old things won't 
have a chance to correct that quiz I flunked 
yesterday. 

(George meets Tom) — Hey, Tom, the lab has 
burned down. Whole piles of guys burned up 
and all the profs are dying up at the infirmary. 

Tom — How do you know? 

George — ^Art told me. 

Tom— Who told him? 

George — ^I don't know. 

Tom — I'll telephone to Doc Chamberlain. 
"Hello, Doc, is the lab on fire?" 

Doc C. — Good Lord no, no such good news 
since I got my last raise. 



I 



T'S Oliver with my typewriter now; they buried 
her yesterday so she's Underwood. 



'MART — Why is a bad boy like a chair? 
' Smarter — They both have caned seats. 



THE SQUIB 



SATISFYING THE MOB, OR, IT CAN'T BE 
DONE 

PHELLA — Anybody coming down town? 
Bumb — No, but here's my laundry, take it 
down and mail it. I will owe you the postage. 

Nother Guy — Yea, and here's a quarter, get 
my collars at the Chink's. 

Suaveguy — Would you mind dropping into the 
jeweler's and get my watch, then go to the tailor's 
and see if he has finished mending my cheapskin 
coat, then take these shoes down and have them 
shined.^ I won't have time tonight. 

Common Herd — Bring back some smokes. 

Phella — Ain't anybody going downtown with 
me? 

Briteguy — -Nobody but you Phella, I guess. 

Phella goes downtown, does the errands and 
comes back. 

Bumb — Have you got back? Did you mail 
my laundry? How much was it? 

Phella — They soaked me twenty cents, includ- 
ing insurance. 

Bumb — Who in the dickens told you to get it 
insured? My lord, what boneheads some people's 
sons are. Next time I will take it down myself. 

Nother Guy (opening collars) — Hey, Phella, 
look at the ink spots on these collars. Why 
didn't you give the Chink the devil? You 
could have looked at them when you were down 
there, couldn't you? Where are your brains, 
and yea, where is that other cent? The laundrj^ 
was only twenty-four cents, wasn't it, and I gave 
you a quarter. Trying to get away with some- 
thing, hey? I never thought you was that low, 
Phella. 

Suaveguy — You got the wrong watch. Don't 
you know what my watch looks like? You will 
have to take this one back, because if I take it 
he won't recognize me. Dawgawn it all, I wish 
I had gone myself. Good night, did you get a 
light finish on these shoes? I always have dark. 
This looks rotten. Why didn't you tell Jo who 
the shine was for? He knows what I want. 

Common Herd — AVhere are all the cigs? 

Phella — Honest, I forgot them. You ain't sore, 
are y' fellus? 



ONE WAY 

SALT — I should think that a sailor's life would 
be very monotonous. 
Horse — No. We often run into a fog bank and 
get some change. 



THE LULU BIRD SAYS 

IF you don't boost the hash house, the prices 
will boost themselves. 

Aggie men are not cowards, neither are 
they fools. 

How would you like to be "Creeper" and 
get cussed out for not bringing letters that 
She never took the trouble to write? 

Here's how the profs like the booze, "When 
I was outside of Champagne, Ohio presented 
a rolling landscape." Staggering. 

Did you ever hear one of those all winter 
B. V. D. heroes try to hush up the fact that 
only invalids wore heavy clothing in the 
winter. 

It is too bad that the profs are not required 
to attend chapel. It might be as soul in- 
spiring to them as it is to us. 

Radcliffe girls have been forbidden to 
smoke. College life is hell, isn't it, girls? 

s 

ARE WE RIGHT? 

THE meanest man in- all the world — one who 
borrows your best necktie and then orders 
grape-fruit. 

— Columbia Jester 

Wrong again, Mr. Jester; your choice we refuse, 
When defining the worst of all froshes; 

We hand it to him who puts on his old shoes — 
Then borrows your brand new goloshes. 

— Yale Record 

By the meanest of mankind I always have meant 

A lad who is bad beyond doubt. 
He's that friend who, when you unsuspecting 
present 
Him unto your best girl — cuts you out. 

—C. C. N. V. Mercury 

Jester, Record and Mercury, wrong. 
The meanest one in the Bizz, 
While you get D he pulls B, 
Having copied from you in the quiz. 

— Panther 

Jester, Record, Mercury and Panther! 

As for the meanest man there's but one anther, 

(I lithp) 
x4nd he's that guy, the darned old pig, 
Who always "bums" your only "cig". 

And then wants to know why in hell you 
didn't save the coupon for him. 



11 



THE SQUIB 




SHERMAN WAS RIGHT 

AS I tumbled into bed that night my head was Lo! A small white, humble banner from the 

far from clear; trenches yonder floats. 

My nerves all played "Die Wacht am Rliein" in We've persuaded our opponents that for once 

good old lager beer. they are the Goats. 

The wine and the gin rickeys had a quarrel in my Then we cheered our brave lieutenant and we 

head, cheered the good old "Sarge" 

And I kissed the chandelier "Good night" before Who was passing out the Murads to each com- 

I crawled in bed. pany in his charge. 

I slept. Jove, what a restless sleep. My sleep g^^^ ^ cannon ball came whistling (as we stood 



was full of dreams 



there at relief) ; 



The bugle call was sounding and I hopped into jf j^ ^^^t where it was pointing it was sure to 

my Jeans; j^j^ ^^^ ^^^^^^ 

Got out my rusty trifle, slammed a drill cap on ^^ j grasped my rusty trifle, took a Honus Wagner 

my dome, ^^^^^ 

And reported at the drill hall as the clock was ^^^j^ ^j^jj .^^ ^j^^ strength that's in me, hit the 

booming one. pjU ^p^^^ ^j^^ ^^^^^ 

"The enemy's upon us," cried the sergeant in i ,. • oi i !■ 

„^„„„ Shades of Barnum. What confusion. Shades of 

"Fall in. Atten-Shawnn. Forward march." JuHus Caesar too. 

The band a quickstep plays. ^«^ ^^^^ bally shell exploded and for miles the 

Then they marched us to the battle ground; the splinters flew. 

men began to sneeze ^ ^^^* ™y senses reehng and a buzzing in my head. 

For the smoke about the cannon's mouth smelled ^nd I woke to find, dear reader, that I'd fallen 

like limburger cheese. »"* °^ b«^- 

There we fought and bled and suft'ered, and amid What a volley; what a thunder; to the left and to 

the reeking smoke the right. 

We could see our doughty captain swapping As those Boston beans went hurtling through the 

stories with the "Bloke." darkness of the night. 

Soon we'd no more ammunition, and, desj^ite our Cries we heard from opposite trenches, as the 

captives' screams, baking missiles fell. 

We loaded every mortar with u jjlate of Boston AVe could well agree with Sherman when he 

beans. gargled, "War is Hades." 
12 



WHAT THEY SAY 

I beg your pardon. 

Lend me a quarter. 

How did you like that girl 
I took you over to see.^ 

Am I in your way? 

How did you hit that exam!-' 



Are you prepared this morn- 
ing? 

Didn't that speaker get a 
great deal of applause? 



THE SQUIB 

WHAT YOU SAY 

Certainly. 

Sure thing, old man. 

Fine. 

Not at all. 

Right on the l:)ean. 

Yessir. 

Yes he did. 



Isn't the hall decorated just Yes, very nice. Miss Informal. 

lovelj% and don't you think the 
floor is fine? 



Don't you frankly think that 



Yessir, I have always en- 



you get a great deal out of my joyed your courses, etc. 



courses : 



WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE 
TO SAY 

Why in the d — 1 don't you 
walk on your own feet? 

Are you ever going to pay 
back the last one I lent you? 

Rotten. 



Get the h — 1 outa here. 

Don't talk about it. I am 
sick. 

No, I never saw j^our d — n 
text book. 

Because he was through 
speaking. 

This is the worst barn I ever 
saw, and I have about s'teen 
splinters in Jack's pumps now. 

You bet your life I got a 
great deal when I elected any- 
thing you taught. 



THE TIE THAT BINDS 

(Goes perfectly well to the tune of Jingle Bells) 

THE taxi waited at the door; 
'Twas just before the prom 
The snow outside was driving hard; 
A whirling drifting storm. 

I'd washed and shaved and dived into 
That horrible dress suit 
I grabbed my hat and grabbed my coat 
And jewelry and loot. 

I dove down stairs and slammed the door; 

The taxi waited there. 

We whizzed away to find the Girl, 

The maid with golden hair. 

We finally reached the promenade 

At seven forty-five; 

I doffed my hat and shed my coat; 

For the mirror made a dive. 

I stood and stared and stared some more, 

My God, what an awful blow, 

I'd tied my tie on the way down stairs 

And that tie was a bright green bow. 



H' 



lELLO." 

"LTmmblugb." 

"Hi." 

"Ummblub." 

"Hello." 

"Ugh." 

Scene: The Aggie Campus. 

Time: Any time. 

Cast of Characters: Three Regular Men passing 
a Dead One as they go along a campus walk. 
(The Dead One is usually a freshman, but several 
upperclassmen would do just as well). There 
were supposed to be four Regular Men in the act, 
but it was found that the Dead One would not 
even grunt the fourth time. In order to make 
this act go, the three Regular Men must put 
plentj^ of pep in it to make up for the lack of 
vitalizing force in the Poor Fish that can't talk. 



' I 'HAT dash man goes like an arrow. 
* Yes. Like one of these Indian arrows with 
a bone head. 



13 



C^NORTHAMPTON^ 



Tlymouth Inn 



^MASSACHUSETTS ^ 



A High-Class Hotel 
desirably located for 

Colleoe IPatvonage 

American and European Plans 




Especially suited to the 

requirements of tourists on 

account of its pleasant location 

Special Attention to Banquets 



Pekin Restaurant 

20 CENTER ST., NORTHAMPTON 




Special Dinner, Daily, 35c 



Chinese Dishes, from 25c up 



REAL CHINESE COOKING 



()\^mz 




STRAINS EYES 



Will be sure to injure your 
eyes — increase the complaint 
— why not get top notch 
eye-glass service and satis- 
faction by having us fill your 
needs? 

We specialize on prescrip- 
tion filling — on exactness 
and highest grade work. 



O. T. Dewhurst 

Maker of Perfect Fitting Glasses 



201 Main St. 
Northampton, Mass. 



Opposite City Hall 
Telephone I84-W 



R. F. ARMSTRONG & SON 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 

"Gee Whiz! How tempus docs fugit!" Spring 
is almost upon us and her added calories will make 
us think of Spring duds. Our's are coming in every 
day, drop in and take a look- Costs you nothing 
unless you take some article, then a reasonable price. 



SO MAIN 



STREET 



The Elms Restaurant 

Where Quality and Quantity Dwell 

Try our dinner and supper specials 

E. G. DILL, Prop. 

NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 



THERE is a young fellow named Vickers 
Who in basketball proved he could lick us. 
When he came out, by chance 
In Hagelstein's pants, 
The gallery burst into snickers. 



FRIDAY NIGHTS 

'OX— AVhat's a .school of fi.shes, Pa? 
' Par — Sousemore college, .son. 



The Amherst Fruit Store 

Fancy Fruits, Candy 
and Tobacco 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THESE ADVERTISERS 



"Your money or I'll throw you off 
the cliff!" demanded the hold-up 
man in the wilderness. 

The millionaire chuckled and 
strode on, for he realized it was only 
a bluff. 

— Judge 


HOCKEY SHOES 

AND 

SKATES 

SOMETHING SPECIAL IN STETSON 
SHOES 


When Dad Comes to 
See You 

Send Him down to 

THE AMHERST HOUSE 


Kay — "How did you feel when 
you peroxided your hair?" 
Bee — " Light-headed." 

— Punch Boirl 


E. M. BOLLES 

THE SHOE MAN 


Henry Adams 

TheM.A. C 

Druggists . . 


> Co. 

■ 

and Tobacco 


CGLI.F.GE INS 

SOUTH HADLEY 
OPPOSITE THE CAMPUS 

Caters for Special Dinners 
Sunday Suppers 

Rooms for transcients TeL 8365-W Holyoke 




Candies and Ices Cigarettes 
The Rexall Store 


They must have had some mot 
In the good old days gone b; 

The Bible says Isaiah 

AVent up to Heaven on high 

—Co 


or cars 

y; 

rnell Widow 

is like a day 

board bill is 
led. 

-Punch Bowl 


HYPHENATED YERSE 

Ish weiss nicht was soil es bedeuten 

Dasz ich so traurig bin; 
Ich habe mein Trot vergessen 

Und muss rely on my Sinn. 
Der Prof ist Kuhl und er chuckelt, 

L^nd ruhig lacht er in Glee; 
Er sagt dass er will man flunken. 

Ach Himmel. Kann das sein me? 

— Brunonian 


Stude (facetiously) — This steak 
in June, Mrs. Bordem — very rare. 

Landlady (crustily) — And j^our 
like March weather — always unsett 


FLEMING'S 

BOOT SHOP 


Author (hoastingly) — "Yes, I 
wrote my last popular novel in two 
weeks." 

Bored Host— "What delayed 
you?" 

— Harper'{< 


S. S. HYDE 

JEWELER AND OPTICIAN 

A full line of College Jewelry 

Spectacle lenses accurately replaced, 
bring the broken lenses, 

13 Pleasant St. 


TJTc; riTArxT t>ttctxti70c 


211 MAIN STREET 
NORTHAMPTON, MASS. 


Hlb UWIN 

Guest — "You sa 
And where do I wa 

Host— "Why, i 
you." 


y dinner's ready! 

LSh?" 

>r, that's up to 
— Chaparral 



CO-OPERATE WITH THE BOARD AND PATRONIZE THE ADVERTISERS 



College Engravers 



With- 



The Desire to Please 

The Facilities to Accommodate 

The Experience to Suggest 



Briefly: 

Quality and Service 
For those Desiring Good Cuts 

May we hear from you? 

Howard- Wesson Company 

College Engravers 
Worcester, Massachusetts 



Freshmen ! ! ! 

Get Your Class Hat 



from 



James Pitts Bridge 1 920 



GILMORE THEATRE 

THE HOME OF BURLESQUE 



Four Days Every Week, Beginning 
Wednesday 

MATINEE DAILY 




CROYSDALE INN 

SOUTH HADLEY, MASS. 

Come to Croysdale Inn for 
your Sunday Night Suppers 

TABLES RESERVED 'Phone 2628-W Holyoke 



Kodaks and Films at Deuel's Drug Store 
Sole Agent for Eastman's Films. 

Huyler's, Park &Tilford, Maillards, 
Page & Shaw, and Apollo Candies 

Any box of candy bought here which is not 

satisfactory will be replaced or 

money returned 

VICTOR MACHINES AND RECORDS 

Deuel's Drug Store 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 



BECKMANN'S 

Always for the best 

Candies & 
Ice Cream 

247-249 Main Street 
Northampton 



RAHAR'S INN 

Northampton, Massachusetts 
EUROPEAN PLAN 

The Best Place To Dine 

All Kinds of Sea Food 

Special Luncheon from 1 1.30 to 2 P. M. 
Meet me at "DICKS" 

R. J. RAHAR, Prop. 



Sanderson & Thompson 

THE HOME OF 

Hart, Schaffner & Marx Clothes 
and Fine Furnishings 

PRICES ALWAYS REASONABLE 

SANDERSON & THOMPSON 
AMHERST 



Wholesome old fashion food served 

in the most modern 

manner at the 



COLONIAL INN 



At the Entrance to the campus 



In Physics — "What happens to 
Brooklyn Bridge in winter?" 

Wise Freshie — "It contracts and 

pulls Brooklyn nearer New York!" 

— Jack O'Lantern 



"Who planned the ventilating sys- 
tem for the building?" 

"Some draftsmen, I suppose." 

— Jack O'Lantern 



SONG OF THE HAIR-LIP BOY 

My moustache isn't handsome, 

But then you'll all agree 
That everj' day I keep it. 

The more it grows on me. 

— Lampoon 



THE BEST WAY 

"Say, Jones, how are you going 
to sell your new novel — in book 
form?" 

"No. I'm going to call it 'Grape- 
nuts' and sell it as a serial." 

— Tiger 



See 



^f 



In the next number of the Squib. 



ON SALE AFTER VACATION 



ff 



It is better to 
have your 

H^ rinttng 

Done by Us than 
to wish you 
had 



Excelsior Printing Co. 

printing— TRuIing—Bin&ino 

North Adams, Mass. 



CAMPION 



FINE 

TAILORING 

College Outfitters 

Ready-to-wear 

CLOTHES 



GIVE THESE MERCHANTS A CHANCE 




^ T ^ 



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WIHTO-GREEII 

LIFE SAVERS 

A 0/llNTY CONFECTTOH 



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LIFE SAVER? 

A DAINTY CONFECTION 






LIFE SAVERS 



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LIFE SAVERS 




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