Talk That Gets Results Key To Success And Harmony With Others

PAGES MISSING
IN THE BOOK

$3.95

Talk that ^
gets

by K. C. Ingram

The author of the best-selling Winning
Yowr Way with People here blueprints
the way to a happier, more rewarding life
through better communication with
friends, family, and business associates.

Mr. Ingram gives tested methods
which show how to get ideas across, how
to understand people and the drives that
motivate them. He explains why it is un-
reasonable to expect people to be reason-
able, how to disagree agreeably, how to
use the power of suggestion in persuad-
ing others, how to recognize and use the
basic human drives that influence people,
how to be a good listener, and much more
clear, practical advice.

This is L ' ] ' ^hout words and
their importance as u. - - ^~ -^>a-
tion. Mr. Ingram shows how ^ n ^p
effective use of words, by recognizing
their flexibility words have hidden
meanings, and mean different things to
different people, different things at dif-
ferent times.

The purpose of this book, admirably
achieved, is to show how harmony, peace
of mind, and the help of others can be
won through better communication.

A man who has spent a lifetime as a
professional practitioner in the field of
communication, K. (X Ingram has been
a writer for aewspapers, magazine^ and
books. For -many years he was assistant
to the ^rodent of SoutJhom Pacific Rail-
road^ dealfeig with public and employee

. $y VMCEMt WOT

TALK THAT GETS RESULTS

Nothing important is completely sayable.

Lao-Tse

All general statements are untrue
including this one.

Anonymous

COMMUNICATION

Books by K. C. Ingram

WINNING YOUR WAY WITH PEOPLE
TALK THAT GETS RESULTS

New York Toronto London

TA LK

THA T

GETS
RESUL TS

KEY TO SUCCESS

AND HASMONY WITH OTHERS,

BY K. C. INGRAM

McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc.

TALK THAT GETS RESULTS Copyright 1957 by K. C. Ingram.
All rights in this book are reserved. It may not be used for
dramatic, motion-, or talking-picture purposes without
written authorization from the holder of these rights. Nor
may the book or parts thereof be reproduced in any manner
whatsoever without permission in writing, except in the
case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and
reviews. For information, address the McGraw-Hill Book
Company, Inc., Trade Department, 330 West 42 d Street,
New York 36, New York.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 57: 10223

Published by the McGraw-Hill Book Company, Inc.
Printed in the United States of America

To my son

CULTON INGRAM

A CKNO WLED GHENT S

My thanks go to Dr. S. 1. Hayakawa, professor of language
arts, San Francisco State College, and editor of ETC.,
official organ of the International Society -for General
Sejnantics; to Dr. Mason Haire, professor of psychology,
University of California; and to Dr. Chilton Bush, executive
head, department of communication and journalism, Stan-
ford University. Their suggestions and encouragement are
gratefully acknowledged.

Suggestions and material going into the book 'were re-
ceived from so many associates and friends in industry that
it is impracticable to mention them all here. Their contribu-
tions added greatly to the substance and the spirit of what is
written here.

Also 1 appreciate the patience, good humor, and efficiency
of Suzanne Ingram in helping put the manuscript into shape.

To all these generous and busy people my sincere thanks.

K. C. Ingram

CONTENTS

1. To Understand and Be Understood 3

2. The Communication Process-

Why There's Noise on the Line 8

3. Heaven, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 24.

4. It's Unreasonable to Expect

People to Be Reasonable 40

5. Why Be So Sure We're Right? 53

6. To Disagree Agreeably 6j

7. The Mirage World of Words and Other Symbols 83

8. Emotional Methods That Get Results-

Good and Bad $2

9. People Are Suggestible / 02

10. High Talk, Double Talk, and Innuendo / 14

1 i. Getting Results from Group Talk 123

12. Desire Is the Key to Learning 139

13. Writing with a Purpose / 52

14. Communication Troubles in Business

Are Personal and Emotional 174

1 5. For Easy Communication in the Family:

Be Polite 201

Suggested Reading 221
Index

TALK THAT GETS RESULTS

CHAPTER ONE

To UNDERSTAND

"AND BE UNDERSTOOD

Dear Reader:

Does your wife or husband understand you? Always?
Fully?

Are your associates always reasonable in what they say?

Do your children or friends resent it when you tell them
something for their own good?

Do you sometimes have trouble in getting your ideas
across to people? In getting your ideas accepted and acted
upon?

Do you find it hard to write what you have in mind? Do
you "tie up" when you start to put down your thoughts oil
paper? How best can you learn to write easily, clearly, per-
suasively?

Why do so many people seem frustrated? Why are so
many people so often disappointed in the way things turn
out? What part may faulty communication play in that?

4 Talk That Gets Results

How important are vocabulary and ability to express one-
self to success in business, professional and social life?

How do people learn? How best can we teach or train
them? How best can we ourselves learn?

Have you noticed what the people you like best talk to
you about?

In the title to this, the first chapter in this book, why do we
put "to understand" before "to be understood"?

It's a good thing to be curious about such matters. Anyone
may notice that die people who get ahead in the world are
usually those who are aware and inquisitive, who know the
score, have savvy, who draw other people out, find out what
they know and think, use all available methods to get new
information and ideas. Yet, isn't it a fact a strange, sad f act-
that most people simply want you to confirm their existing
beliefs? Why is that and what effect does it have?

These seem to be pretty important questions to each one
of us. For we live in a world of people our friends, our
children, parents, wives, husbands, or sweethearts, our bosses
and associates, all the people we know or meet. And most of
the time we are with them we or they are talking.

Why all this talk?

Mostly we talk with a purpose, consciously or not. We
talk to get some action or other response from people. Lots
of talk seems aimless; some people seem to talk just to be
friendly or to relieve their feelings* they talk to commune
with one another, to establish mutuality. But there's more to
it than that. If we think carefully about the people we know,

To Understand and Be Understood 5

why and how they talk, we may learn how to understand
them, how to get along with them, how to influence them
in one way or another with talk.

A wise friend has said: "Say nothing, do nothing, be noth-
ing!" On the other hand, through the ability to talk effec-
tively with people we can live a fuller life, have a sense of
well-being, enjoy the feeling that people are with us. Noth-
ing contributes more to our chances of happiness, health, and
success than to understand and to be understood.

How do we get our thoughts across to people? How do
we get our meaning understood? How persuade people?
How best can we get our ideas accepted?

How can we understand the other fellow, not only what
he says but what he means? Why did St. Francis of Assissi
pray that we seek to understand rather than to be under-
stood?

When we talk about talking in this book we mean more
than spoken words, more than written words. We mean
human communication by whatever method of expression
the raised eyebrow, the grunt, tone of voice, frown or smile.
Or just silence. Or action. Ah, what response action often
brings when words fail! Beyond the words used, every phase
of human nature, the whole field of human relations, is in-
volved. So it seems apparent that we must understand people
if we are to understand what they mean when they talk.

But, as we shall see, words themselves are vitally impor-
tant. There are words that make people happy, words that
make them mad. Words that attract, words that repel people.

6 Talk That Gets Results

Some words have great power, stir people to the depths stir
them to heroic feats. Some kinds of words used in certain
ways make people sick or drive them into frenzy.

Words are shifty and tricky. They have hidden meanings.
They mean different things to different people, mean differ-
ent things at different times. Shades of meaning change like
the colors of a chameleon, according to the environment or
situation in which they are used. Often we talk in shorthand.
Haven't you noticed that, to use a common expression, we
often have to read between the lines?

Few of us realize that to some extent we all live in worlds
of unreality created by words. Hardly anybody does any-
thing about it. Yet all this talk and the attitudes and the ac-
tions that communicate thoughts and feelings to people are
of vital importance to each one of us personally. For one
thing, consider all the nervous tension, frustration, and un-
happiness that is caused by blocked communication, by the
emotional closing of one person's mind against the other
person's viewpoint, by age-old ideas and prejudices and un-
real conceptions of people and the world in which we live.

Faults and failures in communication from such causes
may break up a marriage, estrange one's friends or children,
or cause a person to lose his job. Yet it's a tragic fact that few
of us ever give a thought as to how and why we communi-
cate with people and they with us.

We are going to talk together in this book about how we
actually get our ideas and meaning across to other people.
We shall not talk in the detached, impersonal way some
social scientists talk, nor as some professional speakers and

To Understand and Be Understood 7

writers talk. However, the experiments, observations, and
findings of all these help form the basis of this book. But
here we shall talk in stories and about situations from every-
day life, about matters that affect us at home, at work, or in
our social lives. This is a personal book.

This is a book to be tested in your own individual experi-
ence. No high-powered formulas are pressed upon you. But
there is a theme, a guiding principle that runs through the
book. It's as easy to learn as falling off a log and a lot more
pleasant. Some of the ideas you may find new or novel, some
old ideas that have lain at the bottom of your mind and sel-
dom been brought to the surface to be acted upon. In any
event all are offered for what you may find them to be
worth in your own personal, practical trying-out.

Also, you'll meet a lot of people you know in this book-
difficult people and wonderful people, babies and children,
neighbors, and bosses and fellow employees. Even some sub-
human animals. And they are all related to the matter of
communication between people.

As we read die stories and comment that follow, let's
pause frequently and ask ourselves: "What people right
around me talk like that? How does this apply to my friends,
associates, and the members of my family? How does it
apply to me?"

This is a book with a purpose: How can we get results
"good" results in talking with others? How can we best
get our ideas across to others? How best receive ideas from
others? Let's explore these questions together.

K. C* Ingram

CHAPTER TWO
TELE COMMUNICATION

PROCESSWHY THERE'S
NOISE ON THE LINE

Birds communicate with each other. They sing with joy or
cry with alarm. They strut and show off in their amorous
moods. C

Animals likewise. All of us are familiar with the communi-
cation of dogs, for example. They communicate with other
dogs in their own peculiar way, and they communicate with
people. They yelp for food, growl their fears or warnings,
bark joyfully in welcome when master returns home after
an absence. They twist and turn, leap and roll over. They
communicate with their whole beings and so do people.

Let's repeat that: People communicate 'with their whole
beingnot just with words,

Babies, for example. From birth the baby communicates
with its mother, its chief source of food, comfort, and

The Communication Process 9

tection. And the mother understands the difference between
the cry for food and the cry to be made dry and comfortable.

Primitive peoples communicate not only with words and
sounds but with smoke signals and by blazing bark on the
sides of trees. Human beings are blessed with vocal apparatus
capable of making an infinite variety of sounds. They can
not only make many sounds but can give these sounds vari-
ous shadings and emphases that come to have, with other
members of their family, tribe, or nation, a great variety of
meanings. Said Ralph Waldo Emerson: "If the tongue had
not been framed for articulation, man would still be a beast
in the forest."

As a person tflllre he may extend, emphasize, soften, or
otherwise modify the meaning of the words he utters by his
facial expression or bodily movements. Gestures, motion,
handling, touch, and other wordless means of communica-
tion are often more effective than words, Dr. Jurgen Ruesch,
research psychiatrist at the Langley Porter Clinic, points out
in his book Nonverbal Communication (University of Cali-
fornia Press) . Dr. Ruesch says that gesture language includes
around 700,000 distinct and different signals; by comparison
the largest English dictionaries define fewer than 600,000
words.

But let's not decry the importance of the written and
printed words. The invention and development of these have
made man unique among living things on the earth, have
made man civilized and progress possible. The late Alfred
KorzybsH, Polish scholar and engineer, called this faculty

io Talk That Gets Results

"tine binding": Man sets down permanently in writing his
thoughts and experiences, what he has found out by the trial-
and-error method. One man can build upon the knowledge
of others going back to the beginning of recorded time.
Thus continuing progress has been and is possible to man.

Both spoken and written communication have their dis-
tinctive advantages. Among other things, in face-to-face
talk the hearer may talk back and ask questions to clear up
possible misunderstanding. On the other hand, in written
communication the reader may pause at will, check back and
reread any statement he does not fully understand.

The noises we make with our lips, mouths, and throats
the spoken words and the squiggles we make with pen or
pencil written words and the type letters grouped to-
gether to make printed words are symbols which stand for
something else. Trouble is that we often believe the word is
the thing it stands for. But the facts of life are nonverbal.
Words are just symbols and mean nothing except by agree-
ment between the sender of the message and the receiver.
And often words are crude and arbitrary symbols that
indicate only part of what we want to say, and that faultily.

Beyond that, the meaning of the 'words keep changing.
This is evidenced by the fact that dictionaries have to be
continually revised. "Pinning down on paper anything as
slippery as a living word is like taking a pot shot at a moving
target," say David B. Guralnik, general editor of Webster's
dictionaries. And he ought to know.

For another obvious thing, slang creeps in. Example: A

The Communication Process 1 1

few decades ago "hot rod" would mean to the average person
a fireplace poker or any kind of metal stick that was hot,
while now nearly all Americans understand that a "hot rod"
is a jalopy teenagers use for speeding. Maybe some aged
recluse will not know what a jalopy is but the word is in the
modern American dictionary. By common usage many of
such slang words eventually become respectable, regular
words in our language.

Also, words mean different things to different people.
Example: "Slob" is an Irish word meaning mud or ooze in
Ireland. But in the United States it is a term meaning a stupid
or slovenly person.

And the meaning of a 'word is changed by the other 'words
that surround it, by the context of the sentence. It is even
changed by the activities or the environment of the persons
involved in the attempted communication at the time the
word is used. Take the word "pot." In one contest or situa-
tion, it may mean a dish or utensil to cook in. In another, say
a game of cards, it may mean the money or chips the players
have placed as bets in the center of the table. Or in a slangy
way, it may mean the frontal projection of a fat man's torso.

The communication process is further complicated by the
fact that not only words change but the things they stand
for change. From moment to moment everything and
everybody in the world changes in some degree. So it is
exceedingly difficult to make statements that are even ap-
proximately precise and accurate, and that will stay that
way.

12

Tdk That Gets Remits

With these few oversimplified comments and common-
place examples, let's try to find out what the communication
process is and how it works. First consider this definition
given by Anatol Rapoport, president of the International
Society for General Semantics, in his Operational Philoso-
phy (Harper & Brothers):

Communication: Any process involving an encoding,
a transmission and a decoding of a signal. Examples:
(i) Telegraph: a rhythmic pattern beat out by the
transmission key is encoded into a succession of electri-
cal impulses, transmitted over a wire, and decoded into
a corresponding pattern of the receiving key. (2)
Spoken language: Mental images are encoded into
words, transmitted as sound waves, and decoded back
into mental images.

Now suppose we try to diagram the main elements in the
communication process.

See Figure I: The communicator, Sam, is represented by
die figure at the left. A stimulus of one kind or another an
event or someone's remark touches his nervous system, stirs
him up so that he wants to communicate some thought or
notion or emotion to Joe, represented by the figure to the
right. The common way he does this is to put the idea or
feeling into words. In this process he "encodes" it with cer-
tain noises he makes with his vocal apparatus or with marks
he puts on a piece of paper. The sounds or marks get across
physically to Joe, who has the problem of "decoding" the

The Communication Process 1 3

FH5.I

SAM

SAM

14 Talk That Gets Results

sound or written symbok If Sam and Joe have a common
understanding of the symbols used the communication may
be fairly complete. Ah, but what a big "if" we have to con-
tend with! For example, let's interject an imaginary conver-
sation between two men (not Sam and Joe) in a shop.

Suppose the superintendent of a branch plant is talking
with the foreman:

"Bob," he says, "you've read the general plan the head of-
fice sent us. How should we implement it?"

"Implement?" Bob replies, adding to himself, "the stuffed
shirt! The management sends him to a short course at Har-
vard and the so-and-so comes back not knowing how to talk
plain English."

"Yes," says the superintendent, making a mental note that
Bob's not very intelligent, poor guy. "You know," the super
goes on, "how are we going to put the new plan in effect?"

"Oh," says Bob, trying to hide his embarrassment and
humiliation; and finally the two begin to consider the sub-
ject of their conversation. But rime has been wasted and fric-
tion caused by the superintendent's use of that front-office
word "implement." And the irritation may last a long time
and possibly develop serious trouble between the two men.

Now look at Figure II and let's try to get a closer look at
Joe, the fellow who's supposed to receive the communica-
tion. In a very simple way we've tried to indicate that peo-
ple communicate, not just with their brains and vocal or
writing faculties but with their whole beings their hidden

The C&rmmmcation Fro cess 1 5

basic urges surrounded by and conditioned by the various
experiences they have had in the course of their lives and by
their physical make-up.

The basic urges or drives that is, the drives for survival,
to reproduce, and to gain recognition, the inherited traits-
are in the depths of each person. (We consider these in
further detail in Chapter 3.) However, the relative intensity
of each of the three drives is sure to differ from one person
to another.

In addition, the nature and personality of each individual
depends in a most vital way upon the conditioning he has
received in his life experience. This conditioning is always
different, as between any two persons. Even in the case of
two members of the same family, for example. It is different
between older and younger brothers. It is always different
between man and wife because of their different sexes, dif-
ferent ages, and because they come from different families,
etc.

So there's likely to be what Dr. Chilton Bush of Stanford
University calls "noise on the line," in his book The Art
of Ne*ws CoTmmmication (Appleton-Century-Crofts).
"Noise" m communication is usually one of two different
kinds. It may be emotional Tioise, such as tone of voice or
facial expression that indicates contempt, lack of respect, or
words that suggest to the receiver of the message things that
he hates. Or it may be mechanical noise, the clanking of
gears that do not fit in because the sender cmd receiver of the

16 Talk That Gets Results

message do not hove & common understanding of the mem-
mg of the symbols used to transmit the message. So there's
confusion in the encoding and decoding process.

And seldom does the sender of the message or the receiver
understand the complexities of the communication process
they unthinkingly use. So that all too often each is irritated
or angered by what he considers the other's unreasonable-
ness, stupidity, stubborness, or other unliked personality
traits.

Let's go back to Figure II.

Look at the circle at the left representing Sam. Here is a
fellow whose basic drives or inner urges are fairly well bal-
anced. He has a normal urge to survive to safeguard his
health, avoid serious hazards, acquire food, shelter, and
clothing. He has a normal sex drive for sexual love and to
reproduce his kind. He has a normal urge to gain recogni-
tionto have the respect and affection of family, associates,
and of the people in his community. These are basic inner
drives of the "natural man." They are unreasoning and un-
discriminating, below the level of consciousness. They act
a good deal like the act of breathing or other reflex actions-
natural actions taken without thought.

Now Sam's core of inner drives is surrounded by a rela-
tively heavy or thick layer of conditioning that we show as
his "life experience/" His basic drives are pretty well pro-
tected and controlled by the conditioning he has received
from his parents, brothers, sisters, and other relatives, teach-
ers, religious trainers, associates at work and play, all the

The Commwiication Process 17

people and conditions he has had around him, including his
own individual reading, study, and thinking.

Let's assume that Sam's life experience has built him strong
enough so that he is generally in control of himself, has given
him a fair understanding of human nature, a desire to learn,
and a better-than-average understanding of words and other
symbols used to transmit knowledge of the world around
him. If that be true, Sam is an unusually lucky fellow.

Now take a look at Joe in Figure II. We can see at once
that Joe's basic drives are not in balance and that his life ex-
perience has not been such as to give him effective self-con-
trol, understanding of people, or much education or knowl-
edge of the world around him.

It's not difficult to see that there's bound to be some
confusion and perhaps serious trouble when Sam and Joe try
to get their ideas across to each other.

Think this out: Sam is pretty well rounded. But such a
man always has some faults and fallibilities. He isn't com-
pletely "round." His natural inner urges .are not completely
well balanced. His life experience is sure not to include all of
the life experience of Joe. He may understand nearly all the
words Joe uses but he will not fully understand why Joe uses
them nor the complex of basic impulses and life experience
that leads him to respond in one way or another.

And poor Joe is apt to be in a continual quandary in deal-
ing with Sam. For one thing, he often won't know what the
heck Sam is talking about. He won't understand the actual
words, much less all the implications of the words that are

1 8 Talk That Gets Results

used by people who have wide, deep life experiences, such as
Sam. So Joe may make an insulting response to a perfectly
well-intentioned statement by Sam.

One indication of the fundamental effect of life experi-
ence on human communication may be seen in language
studies showing that people do not have words for matters
outside their past experiences. People cannot think beyond
their life experiences. c We cannot hear that which we lack
experience to receive," says Earl C. Kelley, professor of
education at Wayne University.

On the other hand, they have many words to denote
things that are much in their lives. The common belief that
primitive peoples have very few words needs to be modified
in the light of the fact that Eskimos have scores of words to
designate snow.

Think about people who have been blind from birth.
What would the word "yellow" mean to them?

So we may well consider that an English major may not
understand a physicist. Music of the Western world may
communicate little to a Chinese who never has been any-
where outside the interior of China. So differences in race,
geographical location, manners and customs, differences in
sex, age, education, reading, and all the other conditions that
have made up one's life experience make each person differ-
ent from the other, and all these various conditions make
complete and satisfactory communication difficult.

Main point: People don't think about their obvious dif-
ferences.

The Commumcfftion Process 19

Thus far we've been talking about conmranicatioti be-
tween people, "interpersonal communication," the academic
people call it. Now let's consider briefly "intrapersonal com-
munication," how the talker himself is affected by what he
says. Let's look at Figure III, WeVe added another line to
Figure II; that's all, but it's important. That Ike turns back
to the speaker. His talk acts upon him much the same as a
stimulus received from some source outside the speaker.

Two people are beginning to talk about a subject on
which they have formed no fixed opinions. It might go
something like this:

"I see we Ve got a new fellow around here."

**Yeah. Fve seen him but haven't paid much attention to
*im. . . . Kind of funny-looking, isn't he?"

"WelUdunno."

* Wears funny clothes. And his haircut . . . Hke a high-
school kid's butch. He looks sort of queer and stand-offish."

"/\'U

Un. . . .

"Sure. I think so. Anyway, he's not the type to fit in here."

So may a speaker start off in one way or another, perhaps
by accident or whim, and end up by selling himself on a
rather definite opinion.

Quite often, it seems, the first person affected by 'what a
speaker says is the speaker himself. This may take place in a
conversation with another person. Or it may happen in a
person's thinking or form of talking to himself.

How important is what a man thinks? A time-tested axiom
comes to mind; "As a man thinketh, so is he." What a maa

20 Talk That Gets Results

thinks, what he suggests to himself and to other people is
quite important, as we shall note in some detail in Chapter 9.

We aren't quite through with our discussion of the com-
munication process. Let's go back again to Figure II and
think about what happens when a stimulus of some kind
strikes the nervous system of a man like Joe.

In the first place, we know that the stimulus will come
through one or more of the five senses, i.e., seeing, hearing,
smelling, tasting, or touching. Not much is definitely known
of what goes on within the human being from the time the
stimulus is sensed until the person stimulated responds. But
we make some tentative assumptions.

Psychologists are pretty well agreed that man is an evalu-
ating animal. He has an almost irresistible impulse to make a
comment or express an opinion whenever any event occurs,
or person or subject is mentioned. We can easily note this
tendency in ourselves, members of our families, and our
friends.

So when a person's optic nerve or taste buds, or nerves of
hearing, feeling, or touch are stimulated something happens
inside that person. There is enough evidence to support an
educated guess that the mind starts a radarlike sweep of the
person's life experience and that this review is done with
lighminglike speed; also that a person's fundamental im-
pulses or drives are brought into play to reinforce or modify
what he has experienced in his life. On the basis of his experi-
ence plus innate or inherited traits he arrives at a con-

The Communication Process 21

elusion. All this is at the nonverbal or preverbal stage of the
communication process.

Then he encodes the conclusion, ie., he puts it into words.
Or maybe he just indicates by a smile, frown, sneer, snort,
"ouch," or bodily movement how he feels or thinks about
the stimulus.

For example, a couple of youths are standing on the cor-
ner. Sure enough, a pretty blond girl goes by.

"Look! " says one.

The other looks. His mind-radar immediately goes into
action. It finds that he has never had an unpleasant experi-
ence with a pretty blond girl in his life. Moreover, funda-
mentally he has at least a "normal" feeling about the human
female. Quick as a wink he arrives at a conclusion, encodes
his reaction, and out it comes, an approving whistle:

"Whee-ee, whee-ee-ooh!"

In making evaluations or decisions on more prosaic sub-
jects anyone may observe the radarlike action of his own
mind. For example, a city man steps out of his house one
morning, notes the temperature is lower than usual, that
clouds are being blown in from the southeast, that the clouds
are dark, not light. Immediately he says to himself, "It's
going to rain." Then, "Too bad. It will spoil the family's
picnic."

In the same locality at the same time a country man notes
the same conditions, arrives at the same conclusion. But his
evaluation is different. "Good rain. Just in time to help the
crop."

22 Talk That Gets Results

In both men the past experiences are brought into play
for the making of differing evaluations.

Same morning Jimmy, aged six, comes out of his house.
Wind from the southeast and dark clouds are matters that
have not registered in his life experience. He gets on his
bicycle and rides across town to see a friend. And he gets
wet and is uncomfortable. This then becomes a part of his
life experience. He learns by failure to note the conditions
and to know what they mean.

In later chapters we shall consider the matters involved
in this simple example, including learning by failure.

Some parts of this chapter may seem obvious or, on the
other hand, a little academic. But we have to bear in mind
a good many of these fundamentals if we are to find practi-
cal ways of getting better results in talking with people.

Our attempts to visualize the communication process are
admittedly arbitrary and incomplete. Most diagrams of such
a subject are. Nevertheless the figures we've drawn may
make some parts of the communication process clearer to the
casual reader.

In the chapters that follow we pass on to the fascinating
subject of what people are like, what makes them talk and
act as they do with some suggestions as to what we can
do about it* But perhaps now we should summarize the dis-
cussion thus far.

What do you think of these points that seem to have
emerged from Chapter 2?

The Communication Process 23

1. People communicate with their whole beings, not just
with words,

2. Nonverbal communication a smile or sneer or a gesture
may be just as effective as words.

3. Man's invention of written words has made civilization
and progress possible.

4. Words are not things. They don't mean anything except
as symbols mutually agreed upon by speaker and hearer.

5. Meaning of words keep changing, mean different things
to different people and different things in various situa-
tion and contexts.

6. You can embarrass or anger people by using words they
don't understand.

7. People won't understand talk that's outside the experiences
they've had in life.

8. The first person affected by what is said is the speaker him-
self,

CHAPTER THREE

HEAVEN, HELL,

AND THE THREE
BASIC DRIVES

Why do we talk or communicate with people? Don't we
always do so with a purpose to get a result that we want?
Even when we say "Hello" or "How are you?" or make any
other sort of casual statement or greeting, do we not uncon-
sciously expect and desire a friendly response in return?

And when we really consciously want the person ad-
dressed to help us in some way or other, how do we touch
the person into the desired action? What motivates or actu-
ates them? What are the incentives or triggers that set peo-
ple off in one direction or another? What sways, incites, in-
spires, impels, or persuades them? What controls or modifies
their actions?

What are people like and why do they act as they do?
Isrft it reasonable to say that we have to understand human

Heaven, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 25

nature if we are to talk with people purposefully and effec-
tively?

What are the basic needs and desires of hnman beings?
Let's talk about that first.

Most human actions spring from impulses that lie deep in
human nature. Psychologists once called these "instincts"
but now usually refer to them as "primary motives" or
"drives." These inner drives are not learned; they are un-
reasoning, and usually people are not consciously aware of
them.

The first of these is the drive for survival. We'll all agree
that "survival is the first kw of nature."

A second is the drive to reproduce one's kind on the face
of the earth the sex drive.

And a third is the drive for personal recognition, for tie
admiration, affection, and respect of our fellow human be-
ings. William James, the American psychologist, called it
"the deepest craving of the human heart."

Various students and analysts of human nature have other
and usually more elaborate classifications, but such classifi-
cations seem to be based directly or indirectly on these three
fundamental drives. Another thing we may note is that hu-
man action often springs from a combination of two or all
three of the drives.

Suppose we consider the things people strive for con-
stantly in everyday life:

Taking them not necessarily in the order of their impor-
tance, let's note that civilized people generally want money,

26 Talk That Gets Results

Why? Well, money is needed to get food, clothing, and shel-
ter so we may keep alive. Money is wanted for survival. But
desire for money may also grow out of desire for personal
recognition, for status, position in the world, and influence,
which in turn may help one select the mate he wants. So
efforts to acquire money may spring from a combination of
the three basic drives.

However, desire for money does not in itself seem to be a
fundamental human desire. Rather it appears to be a second-
ary manifest; money is wanted to carry into effect one or
more of the three basic drives. Sigmund Freud, the Austrian
psychologist, held that happiness consists of the postponed
fulfillment of infantile desires; infants have no experience
with money, which, he said, accounts for the fact that
money does not bring happiness. However that may be, we
may reasonably conclude that, while money does not di-
rectly represent a fundamental human desire, it is an or-
dinary way of achieving more basic human needs or
desires.

Here we might add a comment about Freud, since he un-
doubtedly has been a powerful influence on the thinking and
literature of our time as well as a pioneer in several fields of
psychology. His theories of psychoanalysis and his main
emphasis on sex shocked and antagonized many convention-
ally minded people. Some of his principal disciples later
turned against him and certainly some of his theories have
been considerably discounted since the radicals noisily ac-
claimed them a few decades ago. Yet there seems to be no

Heaven, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 27

doubt that his remarkable insight and original ways did open
up fruitful lines of thought about human conduct that re-
main to this day.

Well, to return to our discussion: People want health. Ob-
viously that's a part of the drive for survival. So are all the
other things people want for security.

Many desire wealth and power far beyond their need of
security. Why? It seems ^reasonable to suppose they are after
personal recognition. Some want recognition in other fields,
as scientists or artists. Let's not forget that this applies just as
much to individuals in lesser fields of endeavor: Tell your
janitor what a good job he does and see his face light up! In
his way and at his level he may take just as much pride in
being outstanding in janitorial work as the business tycoon
and the artist in their fields of endeavor. His desire for per-
sonal recognition and prestige is likely to be just as great and
urgent as in people of higher levels of business or society.

These inner drives, with all their modifications, are wells
of impulse that energize people into action.

People want to belong. They want to be one of a group.
They join fraternal or social organizations, unions, or busi-
ness associations. For a man to say, "I belong to Rotary," or
a woman, "I belong to the Thursday Afternoon Gub," may
give each a comforting feeling of importance. From be-
longing a person gets a feeling of security and of being rec-
ognized as a worthy associate.

People want love parental love, friendship, and sex love.
Often evidences of these hidden drives are repressed or

28 Talk That Gets Results

sublimated The sex drive, for instance, may be repressed to
a small or excessive extent to conform to what we term
civilized or conventionalized conduct or because of early
conditioning by parents, teachers, friends, or associates.

Most people like to make an attractive personal appear-
ance, especially women. What accounts for women's great
interest in clothes, in keeping up with current fashions, in so
generally patronizing the "beauty shoppes," and in gauding
themselves with costume jewelry? Certainly they seem to be
attempting to communicate something to someone. Do they
dress for the men? Some may answer yes, and if that be true
the woman is saying, "Look, Fm a very attractive female!"
Thus a manifestation of the sex drive. But do not women
dress just as much for contact with other women, just as
much when it's quite apparent they're not on the search
romantically? So then may they not be dressing just for
personal recognition, to impress other people with their good
taste, social prestige, or to show that they're in the Cadillac
economic class? These mildly interesting speculations lead
to no definite conclusion. Let's say women's urge to adorn
themselves may be either a manifestation of the drive for
recognition, or of the sex drive, or of both.

Women obviously talk a great deal about clothes and
ornamentation among themselves. Men generally think this
is pretty thin conversation, but it seems important to the
women. We asked one who mentioned the subject to us
and she gave what seems a quite sound answer. She said,
"Women talk about clothes and hairdos because these are

Hewen, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 29

topics of common interest. In that way they get acquainted,
or keep acquainted, as kindred souls." Thus, strangely, do
women commune together and establish mutuality of feel-
ing. Men do the same thing with their shop talk or talk about
baseball

But some people don't seem to care about personal appear-
ance. Some seem actually to concentrate so seriously on their
work that they neglect themselves, let their hair grow long
and shaggy, wear disreputable old clothes. Some go further,
make a point of being odd, self-consciously attracting atten-
tion to their eccentricities. Here again, then, the desire for
personal attention, a basic drive, seems to be at work

Let's consider another action people commonly take;
They go to the movies. Why?

Western movies continue to be popular after all these
years. Why is that? Do people go to learn how to survive in
a savage world? Ridiculous, one may say. But let's not aban-
don the survival idea entirely in that connection. Isn't it pos-
sible they go to see westerns and all those other shows where
heroes knock the bejeepers out of the villains because such
physical conflict appeals to the primitive and basic urge to
fight for one's life?

Romantic movies are equally popular. Again, why? The
answer here is easy, isn't it? People go to enjoy vicariously,
by proxy, the joys and sorrows of lovely people in love.

Another thing that people commonly do is work. They
work for money, of course. But whether they work dili-
gently and well or carelessly and as little as possible will,

3 o Talk That Gets Resets

according to personnel specialists, depend on other con-
siderations too: whether the boss recognizes their good
work, whether he has any interest in their personal interests
and welfare, and so on. This affects morale, the key factor in
individual productive effort. Also, people work because of
their own pride and satisfaction in their work. The extent to
which they work is often controlled to a large extent by the
attitude of their group in the shop or office. Thus, in busi-
ness and industry, may be seen the operation of the third
basic drive, the drive for personal recognition and apprecia-
tion, including self -approbation.

So it seems that human action in everyday life springs
from these inner drives: (i) to survive, (2) to reproduce,
and (3) to gain recognition.

But, as a result of home training or other conditioning,
most people in their social and personal relationships restrain
or cover up their natural impulses to grasp forcibly the
things desired or needed in connection with their drives for
survival, sex, or personal recognition. They find it pays not
to break into a bank, not to kidnap the woman of their
choice, not to force people to step off the sidewalk when
they come by. They find it pays not to be too rough and
grabby.

The drives, as we have noted, are not always well bal-
anced. In some people they are excessive or distorted in one
way or another. Few people are "normal" according to the
viewpoints of everybody who knows them. As Dr. Wendell
White, University of Minnesota psychologist, once re-

Heaven, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 3 1

marked to us: "Abnormal people are like normal people-
only more so." A deep comment, lightly made, but one we
may well bear in mind in some other discussions later in this
book.

Another somewhat related angle is recalled in a story the
late United States Senator from California, James D. Phelan,
was fond of telling years ago. He said he was on a train from
New York to Washington, D.C., a comparatively short run.
As the train neared Washington the porter was busily brush-
ing him off.

"Porter," said Senator Phelan, "what is the average tip for
this run?"

"One dollar," replied the porter. As the senator peeled
off a dollar and handed it over, the porter with a broad smile
added, "But you're the first gentleman who's lived up to the
average!"

This old-time joke leads us to mention the difficulty of
finding general rules that apply to the conduct of human
beings and to communication with people which we think
should be "average" or "normal" or "reasonable," as dis-
cussed in Chapter 4.

For example, there is the question as to whether people
generally respond in greater degree to autocratic treatment
than to democratic treatment. This is important in business
relations and other everyday rektionships. Also in the broad
question as to whether Hider's principles are more in keep-
ing with human nature than democratic principles.

In this connection we listened not long ago to a discussion

32 Talk That Gets Remits

by several psychologists in a conference with some industrial
people. They were talking about the actions of people in
groups. "Groupness," one called it. He told of the experi-
ment with hens and "peck rights." If you take twelve hens,
say, and put them together in a pen, pretty soon one hen will
dominate all the rest so the psychologists noted in patient
observation. The number one hen will have "peck rights"
over the number two hen, the number three hen, and so on.
Also the number two hen, while subservient to the number
one hen, will have peck rights over the number three hen, the
number four hen, and all the rest down the line. So it went,
according to the experiment, on down to the poor number
twelve hen, which had no peck rights whatever. The hens
with the most peck rights got the most and best food, could
sleep longer, and were choosier in sex matters when roosters
were introduced into the pen than were their less forceful
and aggressive sisters. So the general conclusion was that all
animal life, including human life, is naturally organized on
the hierarchy principle, the stronger at the top, and by
grades down to the weakest.

"Well," some at the conference said, "looks like there's
something to it." Others just laughed.

Later one of the professors came up with the results of an
observation indicating an opposing conclusion. Each flock
of birds in flight, he noted, seems to have a leader all right, a
leader the others follow. But not always. Sometimes the
leader will veer to the right but the flock will continue to go
straight ahead, or maybe swing to the left. In either case the

Heaven, Hett, and the Three Basic Drives 33

leader has to fly like all get out to win back his leadership
place or he winds up back in the ranks. So, the conclusion
was, the flock itself governs its direction more than the bird
who is out in front.

Either one of these opposing theories seems based on
scanty investigation and observation. We may laugh or snort
in derision, but the point involved is important. In our own
everyday observation does it not seem apparent that we do
have leaders and head men and organization by ranks of
people in all sorts of human endeavor? Otherwise, wouldn't
we have chaos and get nothing done? On the other hand,
isn't it just as apparent that if the leader gets out of line with
what the group wants they won't follow him? Then he's
out, and someone else takes over the leadership. We've all
seen that happen in athletic, business, and social organiza-
tions. Lots of people don't like this uncertainty and feeling
of change, but it does keep die number one boy and all the
group right up on their toes, doesn't it? And that's a good
tiling for all concerned.

Also, and perhaps more important, anyone who is experi-
enced and observant will have noted that some people like
autocratic treatment. They don't like to take responsibility,
to think and act on their own initiative. They prefer to
be comfortable and take orders rather than give them, even
though their rewards remain relatively smalL

Further, there are tests by which people can be graded as
to their autocratic or democratic attitudes. Experiments with
people so graded indicate that autocratic-minded people,

34 Talk That Gets Results

working under absolute orders, and democratic-minded peo-
ple, given a lot of latitude, get about equal results. The ex-
periments indicated further that democratic-minded people
work well under either democratic or autocratic leadership.
But autocratic-minded people are pretty much at a loss when
they are put on their own initiative in a democratic work
situation*

Dr. Gilbert Brighouse of Occidental College, in com-
menting on this subject at a Stanford Research Institute con-
ference, said one conclusion of the experimenters was that
most anyone can work under autocratic conditions, but peo-
ple have to learn to work under democratic conditions.
"Skills in interpersonal communication, for example, "must
be learned,' " he said. They need the opportunity to learn
and to contend for recognition, one of the bases of democ-
racy in action, another human relations specialist, has pointed
out.

Coming back to the basic drives: Underlying these im-
pulses is the principle of human nature that each person is
the center of his own universe.

Some people are "unselfish" in the usual meaning of that
term, and wonderful people they are, these unselfish ones.
Yet even they cannot get outside themselves, or get away
from fundamental human desires. They perform their un-
selfish acts because, God be praised!, they get more personal
satisfaction in helping others than in trying to secure the
material things of life for themselves. Thus it seems that,
after all, their unselfishness centers upon self, is motivated

Heaven, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 35

by the reward they receive in personal happiness and saris-
faction.

Let's keep our balance here: A point to be borne in mind
is that we should avoid the falsely sentimental ideals about
people which so often cause disappointment, but rather take
people just as they are, usually full of faults and fallibilities
as well as admirable qualities, and talk and deal with them ac-
cordingly. AE people fall short of the ideal. Yet, again, if
you've been fortunate enough to know intimately some
really generous people you may have noted that they seem
actually to have greater satisfaction and happiness than those
whose minds and hearts are centered on sitting in the chairs
of the mighty. Such "unselfish'' people are possibly excep-
tional, but they do exist. And hard-boiled talk based merely
on appeal to human selfishness and ugly human traits is not
likely to bring the results we desire or expect. Having said
all that, let's stay 'with the mam point: that people are self-
centered, in the common mearimg of that term. And <u>e can
expect response from them according to ho*w well <we gear
our talk to their personal interests, desires, and needs.

Along with all that, let's bear in mind that if we look for
the good in people we are likely to find it. And vice versa:
"People with chips on their shoulders always meet people
with chips on their shoulders." If we seek harmony with
people and want their cooperation we will do well to keep
their good qualities uppermost in our minds.

Well, how can we motivate people? How can we influ-
ence them in one way or another? How can we conduct

36 Talk That Gets Resets

ourselves to motivate others? We consider these questions in
various applications to human communication throughout
this book, but here just briefly note that expected reward or
punishment governs human action.

The mother says, "Johnny, if you're a good boy and come
straight home from school all this week, I'll let you go to the
movie Friday night."

The supervisor may say, "If you ball up another job, we'll
fire you."

So parents condition their children with actual or promised
rewards or punishments from early infancy. So rewards or
punishment are used to motivate people in industry. Also in
international relations, as well as in all personal relationships.

"Fears of hell or hopes of paradise" are fundamental in
nearly all the great religions of the world. As a homespun
philosopher has said: "Son, they's only two ways to treat a
balky mule hold out some oats in front of him or break a
two-by-four across his rear."

People are "different," as we have seen, and they respond
differently to promises of reward or threats of punishment.
It may be said, however, that psychologists are fairly well
agreed that rewards are more potent than punishment. As a
practical matter, most people use the trial-and-error method:
If the rewards fail to get results they resort to punishments.

In any event, as we begin to talk with a person with the
hope we may motivate him in one way or another, it would
seem well to ( i ) bear in mind the three general human drives
that in some degree are common to all people, and then

Heaven, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 37

(2) note the differences, the relative strength of these drives
in the particular individual we are talking with.

Scientists do not know too much detail about how hopes
and fears work out in human conduct. However, they con-
tinue to learn and to extend investigation. For example, there
is now some evidence to indicate that ^withholding a pleasur-
able experience has greater effect on the human animal than
the inflicting of unpleasant experience.

This is one of the findings of the modern science of elec-
troencephalography, in which "brain waves" are measured,
as reported by Dr. W. Grey Walter, a leading authority, in
his book The Living Brain, recently published by W. W.
Norton & Company. As an example we might say that when
Johnny is naughty, taking away the candy he is eating would
have greater effect upon him than boxing his ears.

Much experimentation remains to be done on the subject
of the human mind and human motivation; as to why and
how so-catted normal people talk and act as they do. Rela-
tively more has been and is being done in abnormal psychol-
ogy and with the mentally ill, though this too is inadequate.

"With regard to electroencephalography, this new science
developed in the last decade or two has to do with the physi-
cal effects on the brain that may be measured when various
kinds of stimuli are encountered.

Among the other developments in the physical sciences
that may well be watched by serious students of human com-
munication are the activities of such scientists in the field of
electronics as Norbert Wiener of Massachusetts Institute of

3 8 Talk That Gets Results

Technology and Claude Shannon of Bell Laboratories.
Wiener's work on cybernetics, or control and communica-
tion in the animal and machine, and Shannon's mathematical
theory of communications were dealt with in a leading article
in Fortune, December, 1953, "Information Theory," by
Francis Bello. One of the lessons of cybernetics, Bello
pointed out, is "that any organization is held together by the
possession of means for the acquisition, use, retention and
transmission of information."

Thus far most of the research into the problem of human
relations and communication has been done by psycholo-
gists and social scientists.

It is becoming evident that in human communication, as in
other subjects for investigation, the work of teams of scien-
tists from various specialized fields will prove more resultf ul
than individual scientists working separately. Such team ac-
tivities are especially needed in the fields of human com-
munication and human relations, as it is apparent even to the
casual observer that progress in the physical sciences and
technology has so far outrun our understanding of the hu-
man being as to threaten the survival of human life on this
planet. We look forward hopefully to the teaming up of the
physical sciences with the observations of the social scien-
tists in a joint effort to bring about understanding of the
human being and why he now so often acts against his own
best interests.

In the meantime should we not seek to apply what is

Heaven, Hell, and the Three Basic Drives 39

fairly well known to our everyday efforts to talk and other-
wise deal with people?

Let's see now if we can agree on these points growing out
of our discussion in this chapter:

1. We have to understand human nature if we are to talk
with people purposefully and eff ectively.

2. Human action is based on three fundamental drives: To
survive, to reproduce one's kind, and to win personal rec-
ognition and appreciation.

3. The three basic drives are modified by the experiences one
has in the course of his life. Thus each person is different
from all the rest.

4. There are various secondary human desires, such as de-
sire for money, desire to belong to organizations or groups,
to make an attractive personal appearance. But these seem
to be manifestations of one or more of the three basic
drives.

5. Some people are democratic-minded, some autocratic.

6. Each person is the center of his own world. Each may be
expected to speak and act in accordance with his own
personal needs, desires, and interests.

7. But some people are "unselfish" in the common under-
standing of that word.

8. Expected rewards and punishments govern human action.

9. In seeking to motivate people we may well begin with the
assumption that the three basic drives are actuating them,
then note to what extent these inner impulses have been
strengthened or lessened by the experiences they have had
in their lives.

CHAPTER FOUR
S UNREASONABLE

TO EXPECT PEOPLE
TO BE REASONABLE

Australians drive their automobiles on the wrong side of the
street. They pronounce "a" as if it were "i" mispronounce
it, from Americans' standpoint. Also, they have summer in
wintertime. Many South Sea Islanders like to eat squid; some
of us retch at the idea. Chinese jabber and singsong instead
of talking. Frenchmen eat snails and wave their arms as they
talk. Englishmen like a chuckle, while Americans like a good
belly laugh. All such differences from our ways may make
people seem unreasonable and complicate communication.

"People are funny," Art Linkletter keeps telling us on his
radio program. Usually he doesn't mean funny; he means
they're different or unreasonable from our viewpoint. So
unreasonable they're funny on a radio show.

But not always funny in real life. Unfortunately we as-

40

We Can't Expect People to Be Reasonable 41

some that they are going to be reasonable, and, when in talk-
ing with them, we find they are unreasonable, from our
standpoint, we get into arguments and altercations that fre-
quently lead to anger and disillusion, set us against them or
them against us. This is always unfortunate and usually un-
necessary, as we shall note later in this book.

Here is a typical story of difficulty in communication in
everyday business life. Shortly after the book Wmnmg Your
Way 'with People was published we received a letter from a
merchant in a Midwest city. This is the letter just as written:

I have a problem that I would appreciate your views
and handling of. We are a small fine specialty shop with
three employees and myself, the ownerwe have been
happy and all enjoy our work. In the past few weeks, the
salesman, who happens to be a very sensitive person, has
developed a peculiar habithe whistles all day long a
sort of mournful whistling chant and frankly it's driv-
ing us nuts.

I happen to be the type that has an edge to my voice
when I would ordinarily discuss a matter of this sort-
frankly I don't know how to approach him on the sub-
ject.

If you can find a few moments to consider this prob-
lem and give us a solution, believe me I will be grateful
indeed.

Now, we may smile over this but the fact is that this mer-
chant was quite properly disturbed about his problem of
letting his whistling salesman know his whistling was driving
them "nuts." If the owner spoke to the employee the em-

42 Talk That Gets Results

ployee might get sore and quit. If the owner didn't speak to
him one or both of the other employees might quit; and it
would likely cost the equivalent of a couple of thousand
dollars to train a new one. In the meantime the operations of
the shop would have been slowed or confused.

In reply to his letter we told the merchant we weren't in
the business of advising individuals on their personal rela-
tionships; but we felt confident, since the merchant appar-
ently had given careful thought to the attitude and failings
of both parties, that he would find a way to speak about the
whistling.

From time to time after that we'd wonder about how the
merchant's problem worked out, and finally about a year
later we wrote and asked him. The merchant replied with
thanks for our interest and said, "I spoke to the salesman
and he quit."

Now, what's wrong with people that one can't speak to
another about a personal trait that annoys? That's an im-
portant question: Dr. Max Schoen of the Carnegie Institute
of Technology says that in 85 per cent of cases of employees'
quitting or getting dismissed the cause is some "personal ec-
centricity/'

Such was the case of the whistling salesman. He was a
man who couldn't stand being told something for his own
good.

We have given the shopowner's side of the story, but how
about the salesman who whisded? Is it not possible that he
was continually annoyed by the shopowner's edgy voice?

We Can't Expect People to Be Reasonable 43

Maybe the shopkeeper nagged him. What ran through his
mind when the owner spoke to him?

Let's think about our own personal experience in telling
someone something "for his own good/' What percentage
of those we thus spoke to thanked us? How many were of-
fended? Do not people seem nearly always to get their backs
up against us 'when we say we're going to tell them some-
thing for their own good, even before we tell them?

And when somebody tells us something for our own good,
what then? Are we truly grateful and do we sincerely thank
the friend, associate, wife, husband, or boss who has tried to
help us? Or do we resent it as a criticism? Is not the resent-
ment caused by a distortion of the fundamental drive for
personal appreciation and recognition?

These are good questions, and they lead to an important
question: Isn't it likely that we, too, are unreasonable by
other people's standards?

Different nationalities have different customs, sets of
values, and different ways of talking. In discussing "lan-
guage barriers" in the Journal of Communication, Novem-
ber, 1951, Arthur Cainpa, chairman, department of modern
languages, University of Denver, said:

Take the case of Juan in a school somewhere in die

Southwest One day he gets into trouble with Pedro,

one of his schoolmates, and, there being no word for
"compromise" in their vocabulary nor in their culture
content, they resort to physical arguments. The teacher
insists that Juan "apologize" to Pedro for what he did.

44 Talk That Gets Results

"Go on," she insists, "apologize to him." Again Juan
doesn't know what to say because there is no word in
Spanish for it, nor does the apologizing custom exist.
The teacher is assuming that just as words are linguisti-
cally translated, so are cultural patterns. She continued:
"Tell him you're sorry." This he refuses to do because
he is a product of a realistic culture, loath to change the
realism of the past by the instrumentality of mere words.
So he stays after school for being stubborn, disobedient
and generally incorrigible. Juan still doesn't know the
meaning of "apology," but if he is intellectually curious
he may look up the word in Velazquez' dictionary
where he will find it mistranslated linguistically as "apo-
logia." Not knowing this half-dollar word he looks it
up in the Academy dictionary where he finds to his
amazement the following definition, "Discurso en ala-
banza de una persona" (an utterance in praise of a per-
son) . Now he is mad at the teacher!

The following day he can't find his pencil. When
asked by the same teacher if he lost it he promptly re-
plies he hasn't. Actually the pencil lost itself from Juan.
"Se me perdio" (It lost itself on me). That's it! ...

Punctuality is something an American understands

as mechanical precision Even the clock "runs" while

in Spanish it simply "walks" (El reloj anda). My Mexi-
can friends insist that a five o'clock appointment can be
kept punctually until six. That is, it is five until it is six.

Ina Telberg points out in an article in The United Nations
Magazine, "They Don't Do It Our Way," that the Russians
are traditionally fond of irony and sarcasm, while the Latins
do not employ sarcasm but do go strongly for poetic allu-

We Can't Expect People to Be Reasonable 45

sions. And as to concept of time, "noon" meant midday
mealtime to the Americans but nothing of the sort to the
Orientals, who insisted on keeping the meetings open all day.

We are likely to be surprised to find such different view-
points in people of other nationalities or races, but even
more surprised, often to the point of being angered, when
we find "unreasonable" attitudes among people speaking our
own language. An acquaintance recently gave us this inci-
dent from industrial life:

This acquaintance, whom we shall call Brigham, was in
charge of safety and fire prevention for a large chemical
company. He had a young assistant named Hobbs. Hobbs
had a good head and was keenly interested in training. Brig-
ham sent Hobbs through a course offered by the state uni-
versity and otherwise helped and encouraged him.

But when Hobbs was put on the job of training workmen
in safety and fire prevention he seemed unable to get any
noticeable result. Brigharn called Hobbs in for a heart-to-
heart talk.

"What's the trouble?" Brigham asked. "Why can't you
put the point over to the men? It seems simple enough."

"Well, it just doesn't make sense," Hobbs replied. "Most
of these fellows are older than I. They've been around here
longer than I have. They know what the saf ety rules are. I
don't need to tell them they're likely to lose a finger or hand
if they don't use the safeguards or that they may get caught
in a fire or explosion if they break the rules. They know the
rules inside out. They're old-timers. What good is there in

46 Talk That Gets Results

nagging and hectoring these men? It isn't reasonable for me
to try to train the men in methods they already know."

Brigham tried to explain to Hobbs that a person may
know something in the front of his head say, that one
should always grind out a cigarette before tossing it aside
but the muscles and nervous system may not be conditioned
to safe practices, so that a man who knows better may con-
tinue to throw lighted cigarettes carelessly aside maybe one
day into a pile of oily waste. Brigham then reviewed all the
modern techniques the safety trainers use in getting the men
to cultivate safe habits. But it failed to help Hobbs.

Not long afterward Brigham called Hobbs in for another
talk.

"You have a good mind and a good personality for teach-
ing and training," Brigham said. "But some way there's a
barrier in this kind of work that keeps you from getting
results. Now, the XYZ Company has asked me to recom-
mend someone for their training staff. The job would pay
fifty per cent more than we pay you. The work will be
somewhat different and it looks like a good opportunity.
What do you say? "

**No," said Hobbs. 'Trankly, I've decided to quit indus-
trial training. It still doesn't seem reasonable to train men to
do things they know they ought to do for their own best

interest."

A little later Hobbs did quit the chemical company. He
took a job in the state social service department, dealing with

We Can't Expect People to Be Reasonable 47

juvenile delinquents. Brigham said Hobbs was very enthusi-
astic about that work and was making a success out of it.

"It's funny, isn't it?" Brigham commented "Bright young
fellow with better prospect of advancement here than in
social service work. But he didn't think our work was rea-
sonable. Personally, I think his attitude was unreasonable.
He couldn't bear to talk to the men about it. Yet the guy
is happy in his new work; so who's to say who's reasonable?'*

Who indeed? People differ in personality and in experi-
ence, as dealt with in Chapter 2 (see Figure II, page 1 3 ), so
that each person's viewpoint is sure to be different in some
degree, often fundamentally different, from that of every
other person.

People's standards, or frames of reference, to use a social
scientist's expression, differ* The boy and girl cannot under-
stand the parents' discipline when they keep the family car
out rill all hams of the morning. Difference in age makes
different standards of conduct. What worker can fully un-
derstand his boss? Difference in position in business. What
man can understand a woman's tears? Difference in sex.

People usually want you to confirm their beliefs. Many
don't want your new ideas, however helpful. Further, most
people seem to want you to cocdErm their habits, rather than
to suggest new and better ways of doing things. And that's
not reasonable, is it?

People t-allr baby taTTr to babies. They want their babies to
learn to talk sensibly, yet they talk nonsense and gobblede-
gook to die poor Ikde fellow. That doesn't seem exactly

48 Talk That Gets Results

reasonable. Leave baby talk to adults in love. Nobody ex-
pects them to be reasonable.

All right, you may say, but what are we going to do about
it?

First, we'd suggest: Take people just as they are. Don't
expect them to be reasonable, or talk to them on the assump-
tion that they are. They aren't from our standpoint hardly
ever. Let's just try to understand them, their needs, interests,
and desires.

The principal point of this chapter's discussion is well
summed up by W. E. Bennett, coordinator of training, Cities
Service Refining Company, in these words from his article
in the Journal of Communication for November, 1952:

"Communication is, by its very nature, principally an ex-
change of feelings and understanding; more so than an
exchange of ideas."

People's feelings and emotions seem more likely to deter-
mine how they act and talk than their minds and their
reasoning processes, as is pointed out in Chapter 3 and else-
where in the book. Does this not help to explain the stub-
bornness of the salesman who objected to his boss's speaking
to him about his habit of whistling? Being spoken to, we may
guess, made the salesman feel criticized and belittled, a loss
of personal prestige and appreciation, especially when the
boss "had an edge to his voice."

And in the case of Juan, the pupil who wouldn't apolo-
gize, is it not all too obvious that the trouble grew out of the

We Cmft Expect People to Be Reasonable 49

fact that his life experiences had conditioned him in a differ-
ent way from that of his American schoolmates?

Also the case of Hobbs, the safety and fire-prevention
trainer, appears to be an example of lack of understanding of
the inner desires of workmen for prestige and personal rec-
ognition. People want you to confirm their habits as well as
their beliefs. Wouldn't Hobbs have done better if he had
asked the men what they thought was the best way to get the
rules observed? Ask them, rather than just telling them; get
them involved with you in solving the problem, human rela-
tions specialists would advise.

A long-time friend of ours tells of this incident that oc-
curred when he was a member of a United States mission
sent to Italy to help rehabilitate that country after World
War II: While driving in southern Italy he saw some groves
of interesting trees near the highway. His driver explained
they were a kind of citrus tree; they bore no fruit but pro-
duced an oil that was used in soaps and cosmetics. Our friend
asked the driver to stop so he might inspect the trees more
closely. The trees were shrouded with thick undergrowth.
Our friend parted the undergrowth and pushed his way into
a small clearing. In so doing he almost stepped on a man who
was lying on die ground*

"I beg your pardon/' said our friend.

"Think nothin* of it," replied the man in perfect Ameri-
canese.

"Say," said our friend, "are you an American? "

5

Talk That Gets Results

"No," said the husky fellow. "But I used to live there-in
Detroit. I was a mechanic in an automobile plant."

iC Well, why did you come back here?" our friend asked.

"I came back here to do just what you found me doin',"
the man replied, "to He in the sun."

ir bu can't do that in Detroit!" the man added with an
engaging smile.

So the Italian found he'd rather give up the high wages
paid in the industrial capital of America than to have to
suffer clash and strain that goes along with the good pay.
He'd rather He in the sun when he felt like it, listen to music,
and enjoy life.

Of course we all know the other side of the story and most
Americans prefer it, beHeving that our terrific driving idea
of progress brings us, over all, more benefits.

Says Dr. Mason Haire, University of California, in his
book.Psychology in Management:

Each individual has the problem of organizing a sensi-
ble and coherent world for himself out of an external
environment which does not make sense in itself. . . .
Man's behavior depends, not on what is actually out
there, but on what he sees; not on the way the world
is actually organized but on the way he organizes it. ...
Man has a great deal of anxiety attached to his organiza-
tion of the world. Man's environment is not organized
in itself; he must organize it. His organization deter-
mines his behavior. His behavior, and its appropriateness
to the environment, determine whether he will be suc-
cessful or unsuccessful in many cases, whether he will

We Can't Expect People to Be Reasonable 51

survive or not. For this reason, he is reluctant to give
Hp any organizations that seem to work, because of the
danger that is involved in being lost in a disorganized
environment. . . .

We are quite apt to say, "I don't understand why he
did this, or why he feels that way," when the difficulty
is that we are trying to explain some one else's behavior
on the basis of our own organization of the world

Haire points out "the need to tailor our communications,
not on the basis of the content of what we have to say but cm
the basis of the attitudes and motivations of the person at
whom we are aiming."

So we close this chapter with the observation with which
we began: People are different. They have the same under-
lying impulses and desires but because of varying life ex-
perience they seek to satisfy them in differing ways. And
that makes a lot of difference in the ways we have to deal
with them and talk to them. People have a reason for each
of their acts, a good reason to them at the time of the act, We
need to look diligently for that reason in attempting to un-
derstand people and deal effectively with them,

Here, then, are some of the points that may be noted from
this chapter:

1. People are different one from the other, and are not likely
always to be reasonable from our viewpoint.

2. Many people resent it when we tell them something for
their own good, or ask them to change their habits for
their own good.

52 Talk That Gets Results

3. Difference in people's understanding of the meaning of
words sometimes make them angry.

4. People's viewpoints and attitudes differ because of differ-
ing personality and experience.

5. Communication is an exchange of feeling rather than an
exchange of ideas.

6. In seeking to arrive at agreement with people, (a) ask
them rather than tell them; (b) talk with them and deal
with them in terms of their basic drives and their individ-
ual life experiences.

CHAPTER FIVE

BE so SURE

WE'RE RIGHT?

tc l am unalterably opposed to that," said the top-ranking
member of the conference, after the proposition for consid-
eration had been stated.

That shut off discussion. In this matter the conferees had
to have unanimous agreement on some form of procedure
on the proposition, and especially needed the concurrence

of this top rr>5"^

"Unalterable ." Most of the other members of the con-
ference looked at each other rather helplessly. After some
aimless remarks everyone picked up his papers and left. The
conference was ended. The proposition wasn't even con-
sidered.

Yet the proposition had merit and particularly would
have helped the top man, who shut off consideration of the
subject before it got started. This was plainly indicated
later, when, under different circumstances, the proposition
was put into effect with general concurrence of all con-

53

54 Talk That Gets Results

earned, including the top man who had at first arbitrarily
refused to discuss it.

So this was a case of a man who worked against his own
best interests by taking an "unalterable" position and clos-
ing his mind to any other viewpoint.

In a conference or in conversation with another person
there appears to be unanimous agreement among communi-
cation specialists that a person's -personal interests are best
served by being a good listener, an open-minded listener.

Dr. Alex Bevelas, of the Bell Laboratories, tells of this
experiment:

Two men of similar intelligence who were not acquainted
with each other were placed in separate rooms. Each sat at a
table on which were a plain piece of paper, a pencil, and an
ordinary domino. The dimensions of the paper and dominoes
the men had were identical. The two men were connected
with a one-way telephone. The first man, whom we'll call
Adams, could talk to the other as much as he wished, but the
second man, Jones, could not talk back to him.

The experiment was for Adams to lay the domino on his
sheet of paper in any position he wished and outline it with
the pencil. Then he moved the domino so that one corner or
part touched the first outline and drew a second rectangu-
lar outline around the domino. Then a third similar domino-
shaped outline impinging on the second; and so on until he
had drawn six touching rectangular outlines, each the size
and shape of the domino.

The problem was for Adams, the first man, to give in-
structions to Jones, the second man, so clearly that Jones

Why Be So Sure We're Right? 55

could reproduce the same series of touching rectangles on
his sheet of paper that Adams had on his.

What happened? Jones was unable to draw the series of
rectangles like those of Adams. The experiment was tried
a number of times but every time it failed. In some cases
Adams would have started with the paper up and down
while Jones would have had his paper crosswise, with the
result in some cases that Jones would run clear off the paper
in his attempt to follow instructions.

And what was the reaction of the two men? Each got
madder than a hatter at the other. Both Jones and Adams
were angry at what they considered the other's stupidity.
Adams: "I told him clearly and repeatedly. What a dumb
ox! " But Jones: "He didn't even establish the starting point.
What's the use of trying an experiment with such a meat
head?"

Even in simple communication situations l we have to let
people talk back, ask questions, and clear up even simple in-
structions.

But what about more complex situations where we try to
get our ideas across to people and get those ideas accepted?
Ah, here we are up against difficulties that are deep and wide.

Way back in the eighth century Lao-Tse, the Chinese
philosopher, noted that nothing important is completely
sayable or definable. We can't see or otherwise sense every-
thing about anything. Some modern artists who have tried
to depict two or several aspects of an object have come up
with paintings that seem ridiculous to the average beholder.
It's unlikely anyone will see all aides of an object or situation

56 Talk That Gets Results

or issue. As Weller Embler, head of the department of hu-
manities, Cooper Union, once noted, "No two things are
identical, although we seem to want to think so."

Also, in the case of any two people looking at the same
object at the same time each will see it differently to some
degree. Every lawsuit seems to demonstrate this in the testi-
mony through which the court seeks to find out the facts in
the case. Witnesses seldom agree completely on just what
took pkce. Even when there is substantial agreement as to
the facts there remains the more complex problem of demon-
strating what the law or laws applying to the case mean. And
here it may be noted that the efforts of lawmakers to write
laws that can have but one interpretation run into complica-
tions in language which lead to seemingly endless arguments.
As we have noted, words mean different things to different
people at different times.

The world isn't round. It's slightly flattened at the poles.
The same applies to ball bearings: Each is slightly imperfect
and each slightly different from the other. So even in modern
precision machines we have to have tolerances that allow the
parts to work together effectively; and lubricate them too.
Likewise some tolerance and oil of courtesy is necessary if
people are going to work together effectively.

Virtually all religions allow for error. Methodists, for
example, speak of "falling from grace." "To err is human, to
forgive divine/' Catholics recognize human error with the
confessional.

Cicero said there were no absolute truths, only probabili-

Why Be So Sure We're Eight? 57

ties. We have a quotation we like better: "All general state-
ments are untrue including thfe one/*

In attempting, on the basis of past experience and all avail-
able facts, to estimate how a situation will turn out, the best
we can usually expect is a probability prediction.

Descartes, the French philosopher, pondered the question
of the nature of truth long and deeply. He noted that people
always saw things differently one from the other. Who was
right? What was the truth? How could he trust his five
senses? How could he be really sure of anything? How
could he know that anything really existed? Well, he finally
came down to "Cogito, ergo surn"I think, therefore I am.
And to get back to the physical world he reasoned that the
world didn't just happen, it was the work of God. And God
would not deceive us about the world we perceive through
our senses.

With these few words from comparatively olden times
let's consider the teachings of one of the most fascinating
figures of modern times, the late Alfred Korzybski, Polish
engineer and scholar. Korzybski said that life consists of
nonverbal facts. He noted that nothing was entirely sayable.
He thought on from there:

What do people do when they can't say everything about
a subject? They abstract what they consider to be the most
important or significant aspect of the subject and say that.
Thus they make a partial statement about a given subject.
Then they abstract further from the first statement and
make a statement about a statement (as we are doing here) .

58 Talk That Gets Results

So we finally have statements about statements and state-
ments about statements about statements about statements.
Usually getting further and further and further away from
an adequate expression of what is substantially the truth of
the matter. There's always something more to be saidmay-
be something quite 'vital. So important is this principle of
abstracting that the International Society for General Se-
mantics calls its journal ETC. et cetera, always more to be
said.

Says W. W. Sawyer in Mathematician's Delight:

It is impossible to imagine any event in perfect detaiL
In attacking any problem we simplify the situation to a
certain extent. We do not bother about those facts that
seem unimportant. The result of our reasoning will be
correct if die picture in our imagination is, not exactly
correct, but sufficiently correct for the purpose in hand.
This process of forgetting unimportant details is known
as abstraction.

But, even if it were possible to say a thing completely,
we'd still have the vagaries of the language, the tricky char-
acter of words, to contend with. Words are not the thing.
Words are the symbols 'with 'which we try to represent the
thing. The map is not the territory, as Korzybski said.

Said Korzybski: "We read unconsciously into the world
the structure of the language we use/ 7 And S. I. Hayakawa,
author of Language in Thought and Action, says in his in-
troduction to Language, Meaning, and Maturity:

"Language carries within itself a whole body of assump-
tions about the world and ourselvesassumptions which go a

Why Be So Sure Wtfre Eight? 59

long way toward shaping and determining the kinds of
thoughts we are able to have."

People with rigid minds, thus conditioned by language,
become frustrated, tense, sometimes so desperate they actu-
ally go crazy when they try to match the conceptions they
hold with the realities of life. Should we not take people just
as they are, not expect too much of them, and thus avoid the
bitterness of disillusion?

All this is just theory, we said to a friend who was ex-
pounding these ideas to us not long ago. Why not discuss an
exact science like mathematics? "All right," he replied. "The
very simple mathematical proposition that one equals one is
just theory. It*s always untrue in actual practice. For ex-
ample, when you apply it, as, one pig is equal to another one
pig or one apple equals another apple, it is always wrong.
Each pig or apple differs in some degree f rora all the odbers."

"Always," we commented, "covers a long, long rime,"

It's no wonder there's endless difficulty when the poor
human being tries to communicate what he thinks is a fact
to another, since he suffers from these handicaps:

1. Each person sees, hears, tastes, smells, and feels a thing
differently from everybody else in the world.

2. No one can sense everything about anything.

3. The communicator commonly uses, with his words,
gestures, or some other action. These gestures and actions as
well as the words mean different things to different people.

4. Both the subject and the words used to deal with it keep
changing. Tomato A is not only different from tomato B,
bmt tomato A of today is different from what it was last

60 Talk That Gets Results

week or will be next year. And the meaning of the words
keep changing. Lexicographers and linguists are constantly
engaged in revising and bringing dictionaries up to date. To
some Americans of today "tomato," in some contexts, may
not mean a vegetable at all but may signify a special type of

girl.

5. Manners and customs affecting people's thinking vary
with geography. "You Americans say we are dirty/ 7 a Far
East student remarked, "yet you shake hands with strangers
and wear your shoes right off the street and into your
houses."

6. Then there are people's individual prejudices. ("Preju-
dices," someone remarked recently, "are someone's opinions
you dislike.")

Prejudices usually come from conditioning received early
in life. "The deeply prejudiced person," said Vernon A.
Langille, community relations specialist, Firestone Tire and
Rubber Company, in the Journal of Cornnntmcanons of Au-
tumn, 1956, "is one who received little genuine love as a
child, resented it and continued through life harboring unex-
pressed anger toward his parents. He is probably unaware
of his anger and probably wouldn't express it if he were
aware of it. This feeling of having been exploited disposes
him to exploitation of others."

"But," said a friend with whom we discussed the forego-
ing part of this chapter, "you're just out of this world, as far
as I am concerned. All this philosophical talk mixed up with
general semantics. Trouble with most people IVe observed
is that they overlook the obvious, get all tied up with theory,

Why Be So Sure We're Eight? 61

and miss the main point. I believe in using common sense/*

"Right," we replied, "We agree with you about ninety-
five per cent. Common sense is nearly always the best bass
of judgment. Yet common sense usually implies the usual
or commonplace attitude, sometimes a stereotyped way of
thinking. If we all held to the commonplace view there
would be no progress. If scientists did not think of the novel
and the unusual we would have few of the great inventions
that have revolutionized our everyday life during recent
times. As Stuart Chase noted, 'Common sense is what tells
you the world is flat.* Franklin's idea about electricity was
screwball. Think of Einstein and the atomic scientists; and
the quantum theory. How about the thought of transmitting
words, music, and motion pictures through the air? All these
and many, many more were crazy ideas, didn't make sense
when first dreamed up by the uncommon sense of someone,"

"You have me five per cent convinced," our friend inter-
rupted. "I agree that one of the great difficulties in com-
munication is that, as Bill Nye or some one has said, 'The
trouble with most folks is not their ignorance. It's the num-
ber of things they know which ain't so.' And yet "

"Yes, you were going to say plain common sense is the
best basis for weighing any proposition. I agree. And doesn't
it seem common sense that we keep our minds open to new
thoughts, new methods, et cetera. And if they work out well
in practice, shouldn't we be willing to change our minds?
The Bourbons wouldn't change and they had their heads
lopped off by the guillotine."

"What works well is good that's pragmatism, another

62 Talk That Gets Results

philosophical principle," our friend returned. "And I say
to heck with it."

So that part of the conversation ended there. We ordered
another Coke and began politely to disagree on the proba-
bility of the Brooklyn Dodgers" winning the World's Series,

Actually, however, the things we've been talking about
in this chapter form the background for our everyday efforts
to get our ideas across to other people and thereby affect
our vital personal interests.

Officers of business organizations are always demanding
the facts, and they seldom get enough to satisfy their needs.
So they have to use their "intuition," which is another way
of saying they have to make decisions on only part of the
facts as these partial facts are considered against their own
life experiences.

Hider and Tojo were so sure they were right that they
led their countries to disaster. Every experienced business-
man can recount a number of cases where the closed mind
plus sureness of being right have lost people their worldly
goods. The principle of not being too sure we're right applies
personally to us in our everyday conversation with people.
We always (there's ''always" again) have to leave room for
the other fellow to voice his opinions, don't we? Otherwise
we antagonize people, set them against us and build up op-
position that eventually defeats us in our efforts to attain
those things we hold most dear in life.

But, the reader may object, if a person gets to seeing two
or more sides to every question, isn't that likely to make him
a wishy-washy type with no drive, so that he won't get any-

Why Be So Sure We're Right? 63

where in life? A good question; there's something to that
viewpoint. But, on the other hand, if one's mind is open, if
he gets other people's ideas about his proposition or view-
point, he will likely get rid of weak points or faulty reasoning
that otherwise might have defeated him.

What we are getting at is this: A person may well bear in
mind that there may be something on the other side, that one
cannot know everything, much less say everything there is
to be known or said about anything.

Having that realization, having got all the facts one can lay
hands on, having weighed the calculated risks, then a person
may well decide on a definite course of action and go all out
for it. Put on the blinders and drive ahead with confidence.

We must have die faith that works miracles, God's aith
in our human destiny. Faith in ourselves that we can steer a
firm, strong 1 course through confusing whirlpools, back
eddies, and crosscurrents and come out safely and strongly
to the landing on the other side.

The problem therefore apparently is that of reconciling
the two viewpoints in our own minds as we talk with and
deal with other people. An ancient philosopher advanced
the principle of "the golden mean** for human conduct, and
we i-lnnTr few principles are more rewarding.

Another thing that tends to keep people in disagreement
is the common feeling that a person must be "consistent."
"I said this yesterday or I acted in such-and-such a way last
year, so I must stand staunchly for what I said and what I
did. Otherwise I wouldn't be consistent." People with rigid
minds, mesmerized by their own words* often close their

64 Talk That Gets Results

minds to other viewpoints and act against their own best
interests. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little
minds," said Ralph Waldo Emerson. Yet consistency is a
trait of great value. People expect us to be reasonably con-
sistent so they can rely on us. But Oh, consistency, how
many obstinacies have been committed in thy name! Life is
full of inconsistencies, contradictions, and paradoxes that
neither scientists nor philosophers have been able fully to re-
concile.

An advertising manager who by long experience had
learned to get along fairly well with artists, writers, and his
own principals had this experience, related to consistency.

He was working up some advertisements and posters in
a campaign, an important campaign for which he needed
first-rate illustrations of American Indian life. So he went to
a well-known artist who specialized in Indian paintings and
whose work was usually in the fine arts field rather than in
the commercial field. This artist was commissioned to do the
first painting. The painting turned out to be highly stylized,
typical of his work.

When the president of the client company saw the paint-
ing he thought it was not realistic and refused to let it be
used unless certain changes were made. When the adver-
tising manager asked the artist if he would change the pic-
ture to make it acceptable to the company, the artist refused:
That was his work; take it or leave it.

The advertising manager paid off the artist for the single
picture, then sought out a relatively unknown youngster

Why Be So Sure We're Eight? 65

who, he thought, showed promise of talent and resourceful-
ness. This youth took the main ideas of the company presi-
dent, modified his own customary way of doing such a
painting, and came up with an illustration that pleased every-
bodyand won him his first commission for a big series for
a national campaign. Subsequently he became nationally
known as an illustrator for magazine stories and in the fine
arts field. He liked to deal personally with the clients, take
their ideas, merge them with his own, and work out a draw-
ing or painting that was striking or appealing in a commercial
way but which was also good from a purely artistic stand-
point of color, design, values, and all the other considera-
tions that are dear to the artist's heart.

Now, as most of us know, artists of all kinds are pretty
touchy about their work. They feel it is all wrapped up with
their personalities and personal integrity. Just as, to some ex-
tent, we all feel. We can understand and admire that, as we
must admire the first artist in the foregoing story. None of
us like to compromise our principles.

What everybody seems to want, as someone wrote in the
Journal of Commimic&tion, is: "You let me make up your
mind and then you stick to it."

But, on the other hand, we live in a world of people and
we can't expect always to impose our unmodified ideas on
others. People will consider us arrogant and self-opinionated
if we do. Thus we can lose friends or fail in business.

In life, it seems, we have to be resourceful enough to fig-
ure out endless compromises that satisfy the other parties

66 Talk That Gets Results

concerned and, at the same time, permit us to do an honest
job. We have to learn to compromise without compromising
ourselves. A fine thing if we can manage it; and it's surpris-
ing how well we can manage it if we try.

Summarizing this chapter, may we not conclude:

1. Taking an "unalterable position" at the beginning of a
conversation, conference or discussion may work against
a person's best interests.

2. One must be a good listener if he expects the other fellow
to be open-minded.

3. Let the other fellow talk back.

4. No two people will see or otherwise sense the same ob-
ject or proposition in exactly the same way.

5. "Nothing is completely definable or sayable." There's
always more to be said.

6. Words are not the thing; only symbols by which we try
to represent the thing.

7. The language we use helps determine the kind of
thoughts we are able to have.

8. Some people's thoughts drive them cra2y.

9. Common sense is generally the best guide for everyday
conduct, but if it were not for the uncommon sense of
genius there would be little progress.

10. Having fairly considered all facts and viewpoints avail-
able, one should set a firm course and go strongly ahead.

1 1. People expect us to be consistent in our principles and
actions, but let's be careful we are not consistently
wrong.

CHAPTER SIX
To DISAGREE AGREEABLY

A friend of ours, a merchandising executive, was once a
guest lecturer before a university graduate school of business
class. In the course of his talk he remarked that a woman's
hat designer might take, say, $1.25 worth of materials and
make a hat in twenty minutes that, if he twisted die felt in
an unusual way and put the tiling together just so, a given
type of woman might be well justified in paying $35 for die
hat.

This statement did not sit well with the class's professor.
"Well justified? Nonsense,** he said. '^Economic waste. It
couldn't be justified."

"Oh no," our friend cut in. "You're wrong. If the hat has
style, is f asbionable, and looks good on her, and if she has
plenty of money, the actual value she gets out of the hat in
pleasure, prestige, and satisfaction might run up to $65. You
personally might not pay 1 5 cents for the hat, professor, but
that wouldn't keep the hat from having important value for
her. Furthermore, die advertising and sale of such hats
stimulate the economy and make more jobs."

67

68 Talk That Gets Results

At this the professor really got hot. He said the women's
luxury market in the U.S .A. was not only wrong economi-
cally but morally and that too many American merchan-
disers of women's goods were irresponsible, were pandering
to women's foolish vanity, and capped his argument with the
statistic that Americans spend more for cosmetics than is
spent for education in the United States. This last statement
put the merchandiser somewhat at a loss but he came back
with, "I like to see women wear lipstick, snazzy hats, and
generally make themselves look beautiful and interesting."

"Professor, you don't understand women, nor men either,"
the merchandiser added; and then the two were really off to
the races, much to the delight of the members of the class.

So what's the point here? Doesn't the main point seem to
be that neither man made allowance for the other's different
set of values and different viewpoint? The professor profes-
sionally dealt with economic theory and what was "good"
for people. The merchandiser was in the business of selling
goods at a profit. Their interests, habits of thinking, and life
experiences were different. *

Would it not have been more constructive if the two had
discussed this rather than to have argued?

And what about that final low blow from the merchan-
diser, "You don't understand women." A personal affront
the last resort of a losing antagonist.

In the heat of arguments many people seem to lose sight
of the fact that their own best interests are served by trying

To Disagree Agreeably 69

to persuade rather than trying to defeat and humiliate the
other person.

Even if we have the greatest desire to establish our view-
point, is it not better to deal with the other fellow on the as-
sumption that both he and you are trying to find the truth
of the matter?

So many people begin with some such statement as, "I am
absolutely sure . . ." or "I believe without exception. . . ,"
Such a statement reveals a rigid mind, a closed inind. Usually
such people want to apply a label to everyone and every-
thing; want to put each person and thing in a convenient
pigeonholeand keep him or it there! They are all too fast
in taking positions from which pride makes retreat impos-
sible. Discussion with such people is often worse than futile.
It sometimes leads to violent statements, irrevocable personal
insults, and enmity.

In personal, social com&rsation as 'well as m business e we
have to leave the 'way open for others to^express differing or
opposing opimons.

A young man whom we had known from childhood failed
to get along or even stay put on any job. He was fine-look-
ing, well educated. He kept up with what was going on in
the world and seemed to have the facts on any subject that
might come up. Yet he had no dose friends. Some of us got
to wondering what was wrong, began watching him closely*
We all agreed that it was his habit of "setting people right."
Actually he usually did know the answer, he usually did
know what was what. When anyone made a remark he

70 Talk That Gets Results

would find something wrong, some date that didn't make
any difference or other inconsequential detail, and immedi-
ately correct the person; and go on from there to demon-
strate how much he knew. WeVe all known people who
have this habit. And, at the very least, don't we always find
it irritating? Girls with such habits may alienate a new boy
friend on the first date, even though they may be physically
very attractive.

Such habits appear to spring from the unconscious desire
for personal prestige and recognition. Yet the habit itself
defeats the person's main desire.

Humans are always evaluating or making judgments, as
we have noted before. When any subject is mentioned they
feel impelled to form and express an opinion. Usually noth-
ing is the matter with that. But so often the response is a
conversation-ending response. Conversation with a person
having such a habit is difficult, sometimes impossible. The
flat, unequivocal "you're wrong" appears to leave only two
courses open to the other fellow either agree with him or
knock him flat. As civilized persons we ordinarily in such
cases just keep silent, do we not, making a mental note that
that fellow is bigoted, conceited, and impolite?

When we find ourselves in disagreement with another
person wouldn't it be well to ask ourselves: What is our pur-
pose? To knock him flat, to win the argument; or to find out
what is the truth of the matter?

If the latter, one of the first things we can helpfully do is
to listen carefully to the other person, and when he has

To Disagree Agree&bly 71

stated his position, restate his argument to his satisfaction*

For example, let's take an imaginary argument between
two people that began when Ernest said it was too bad that
the subject of human communication is not taught in high
school. Frank opposed this emphatically and at length. He
talked on and on. Ernest let him talk himself out.

Finally Ernest says, "Now let me understand your posi-
tion exactly. Do you mean that you think that, with all this
modern education, there's already too much cultural stuff
taught in schools, too much time given to music, art, and
basket weaving? That we ought to concentrate on the prac-
tical subjects that really help the kids make a living in later
life?"

"Yes," says Frank, "I sore do." And Frank expounds
again.

"You mean that education should be devoted entirely to
reading writing and 'rithmetic?" Ernest asks.

"Well," Frank replies, "perhaps not entirely, but princi-

"You mean, perhaps a little American history and a little

science would be all right," Ernest asks, "but that it's a

shame the youngsters come out of high school now without

knowing how to read or write and they hate arithmetic?"

"Yes," says Frank, "that's just what I think."

is Well then," Ernest comments, "I think we're pretty

much in agreement. Reading, writing, and arithmetic are the

very basis of human communication. Trouble seems to be,

the three R's are taught by rote and the kids have no incen-

7 2 Talk That Gets Resets

rive. They are given no conception of how these basic com-
munication skills are related to their getting along with
people, to friendship and to getting ahead in the world. What
do you think about that, Frank?"

So, it might be, that while Frank continued to contend
there was too much fluff stuff in high-school curriculums,
he and Ernest avoided the sort of argument in which each
man thinks the other is obstinate or stupid. Neither had to
back down and thus lose face. They found themselves gen-
erally in agreement on the main issue.

The reader may easily think of many instances where
restating the other fellow's position to his satisfaction turns
out to be a wise move. Main point: Don't just think about
it. Next time an argument comes up try it and see how it
works.

In the first place this would seem to be a reasonable way of
finding out what we are talking about, what we are disagree-
ing about. Isn't it true that in many arguments we and the
person who disagrees with us are talking about different
things, or different aspects of the same thing? When the
proposition is stated clearly the disagreement often dis-
appears.

Says William Foote Whyte in his Pattern for Industrial
Peace (Harper & Brothers):

When a man states a point of view on which you dis-
agree, there are two contrasting ways of meeting the
situation.

To Disagree Agreeably 73

1 . You can immediately bring in counterarguments to
show him that he is wrong,

2. You can express interest (not approval) in his point
of view and ask him to tell you more about it. Why does
he feel the way he does? What is behind his thinking?

These two moves lead in opposing directions. The
first move leads to increasingly sharp disagreements,
marked by briefer and more rapid interchanges, more
interruptions, and rising emotional tension.

The second move leads to relaxed tension and makes
agreement possible. The man does not feel under pres-
sure to get out his statement in a hurry and prepare for
counterattack. He is able to talk to the subject and
around it, in an informal, exploratory manner. You are
then able to size up possibilities of getting together.

Trouble is that all too frequently our purpose is to prove
that we are right and the other fellow is wrong. That dam-
nable ego, that personal vanity, that perverted desire for rec-
ognition and respect so often actuates us in discussions, makes
us want to win over the other fellow, rather than reasonably
to find the best solution of the problem in controversy.

Rigid minds and the tendency to believe that if one person
is right the other must be wrong are other blocks in the way
of agreeing. "There are two sides to every question" is a
common saying that may be applied to most controversies.
Tilings are not black or white in this complex world, but
are more apt to be a mixture of black dmi white.

'What does it mean win an argument?* " asks Dr. Ru-
dolph Flesch in his The Art of Clear Thinking, and he

74 Talk That Gets Results

answers with this explanation of the effect of life experience
on one's nerve patterns:

Thinking is the manipulation of memory traces in
your brain. Your thinking is the fruit of your life ex-
perience; the patterns in your brain are your own and
nobody else's.

When you argue you pit your organization of nerve
patterns against his. Your opinion is the result of past
experience; so is his. If you win the argument it means
that your opponent has to realign his nerve patterns so
that they parallel yours.

This is unpleasant for him. Everybody's opinions are
as comfortable as an old shoe; they have acquired ex-
actly the right shape and form through continued use
in all sorts of conditions. If you are forced to accept a
different opinion it's like getting used to a new pair of
shoes: the change may be for the better but it's always
a somewhat uncomfortable experience.

Winning an argument is therefore doing something
unpleasant to someone else.

And Flesch goes on to point out that the changed opinion
isn't likely to remain changed very long. The mind usually
falls back into the same old patterns.

However, people's minds can be changed, though it is a
slow process. It cannot often if ever be done by forceful,
frontal presentation of "facts" or arguments. A mild sugges-
tion is usually more effective. We discuss the matter of "sug-
gestibility" in Chapter 9.

Then there are non-sense arguments: "Republicans are

To Disagree Agreeably 75

reactionaries who don't believe in progress," "Democrats
are radicals," "Women are unreasonable," and like state-
ments*

We recall an incident where a small group sat talking be-
fore dinner. One man who had been educated in Europe
remarked, <r Nb good art has ever been produced in
America." A little lady, an art student and 100 per cent-
American type, took exception to this statement. They
talked fast and hot, neither listening, each making more and
more violent statements. The by-sitters were lucky in being
able to turn the talk to other subjects before a long-exiting
friendship was broken up.

So many non-sense arguments start imtb statements that
are impossible to prove and about <whicb discussion is 'morse
than -futile. Such arguments make people unhappy. There's
much food for thought in the statement of one of the ancient
philosophers, Epictetus, as we remember, that happiness con-
sists in dividing life's problems into two classes: Those we
can't do anything about forget them; and those we can do
something about concentrate our efforts wholeheartedly on
these.

Returning to the main part of this discussion, it seems that
we might well agree with die late Irving J. Lee of North-
western University: "What is important is not that men dis-
agree, but that they become disagreeable about it."

All right, it is generally a good policy to disagree agree-
ably. It generally pays in friendship and in getting ahead in
die world. But, like everything else in life, one can carry

76 Talk That Gets Results

agreeableness too far. Let us tell you about a business execu-
tive who carried it too far:

This man, whom we shall call Mr. Bypass, was always
smiling and agreeable, You'd never have an unpleasant meet-
ing with him. In fact, it was well nigh impossible to have a
meeting of minds with him as to just what the issue was that
you disagreed about. If he knew and you knew that you had
to have his approval or disapproval of a certain proposition,
he would never say he was opposed. First, he'd try to avoid
talking with you about it, and he could usually do this be-
cause he was at a very high level in the organization and thus
could say when you might get into his office. So, first, he'd
put you off as long as he could. Then when you did get into
his office you found him the soul of affability. He just poured
on the good-human relations techniques talked to you
about your family, golf game, or what not. By the time you
could break through this agreeable barrage of personal talk
there'd be other people waiting or he had an appointment
and had to leave his office. If, after several interviews of this
kind, you'd gotten wise and forced the issue hard right off
the bat so he couldn't avoid it, he'd find some reason to delay,
or just fiddle with his papers and finally, with a slap on the
back and hearty laugh, ease you out into the corridor with-
out any progress having been made toward a decision.

"By the gods," one junior officer said after such an ex-
perience, "old Bypass is the most diplomatic, cagy, oily guy
I ever knew. How he finesses you! I can't stand all that in-
sincere palaver.

To Disagree Agreeably 77

"Fd rather he looked me right in the eye and said, 'Your
proposition is lousy and so are you,' w

Because he thus antagonized so many people and because
so many projects with which he had to do piled up, Mr. By-
pass's term of high office was not long. Much to the relief of
many people.

Altogether, we have to meet issues squarely in life, notably
in business life. Usually we do best if we lay it on the line
without beating round the bush. If disagreement is necessary
let the disagreement be outright and clean-cut. But that
doesn't mean we need be disagreeable about it,

One of the most effective, and most obvious, ways that
disagreement can be avoided is to try at the start to find one
phase of the subject on which we can agree with the other
person and he with us. We knew a man who was a specialist
in this. He was a promoter of business deals. Usually these
were complicated and involved several persons with con-
flicting interests. When he brought these men together to
talk about a deal our acquaintance would open the discussion
by saying, ''Let's sit down now and figure out how we can
all make some money." This, he found, would lessen tension
and make for a mutual-interest approach to the problem.

Feelings of inferiority often cause disagreeable clashes
among people in business:

'*When I have an employee who's always having disagree-
able arguments with fellow employees the first thing I sus-
pect is an inferiority complex," a long-time supervisor of
men and women told us.

7 8 T$k That Gets Results

"First off is their great tendency to be jealous of their
'rights/ Their jobs are usually routine and their responsi-
bilities small. Often they won't accept much responsibility,
but they're awfully jealous of such responsibility as they
have. If someone tries with the best of intentions to help
them by taking over part of their work in a rush period they
resent it no end. They don't want anyone infringing on their
small area of authority.

*TBut, more than that, they get into arguments, really
violent arguments, as the result of casual remarks they think
imply criticism or personal slight. They wear me out by
coming into my office with their complaints. It takes a lot
out of the boss to have to smooth down their feathers all the
rime. After I've had a number of incidents of that kind I
usually find some way of getting rid of them, because they
never seem to change."

In business as well as social life, we may note such perver-
sions of the desire for personal recognition, respect, and
status one of the three fundamental human drives. Thus
do people with a feeling of insecurity become aggressive and
disagreeable, against their own best interests.

Parents and bosses often have disagreeable and unneces-
sary trouble with children or employees because they jump
to conclusions and reprimand before they get the whole
story. Consider these imaginary incidents from everyday life
in home and industry:

A mother says, "Jimmy, you hit Harold. You come right

To Disagree Agreeably 79

in the house. You can't play any more. And if you do that
again I'll give you a good whipping."

"But Mama, I didn't hit him and. . . ."

c You did too. Mamie and Bobby both say you did."

**But Mama," Jimmy cries, and he tries to tell her and
finally does tell her that Harold was grabbing his toys and
that he, Jimmy, just pushed him away, that Harold fell
down and hurt himself. This happens to be the truth. But
Mama is thoroughly angry and doesrft listen.

A boss, Johnson, says, "Gallagher, you held up half die
plant for two hours while you ducked out. You're docked all
right, but next time will be the last, . . "

**But, Mr. Johnson," Gallagher tries to interrupt. He wants
to tell Johnson his wife phoned their baby was badly hurt;
he had to go home in a hurry. The boss won't listen.

Both Jimmy and Gallagher are f rustrated. And no won-
der. Mother and boss were both highhandedly disagreeable
without cause. How much better for the mother and tie
boss to have asked for the facts before blowing off.

Asking for the facts is of first importance if we hope to
persuade the other fellow. Ask him questions until we can
restate his argument or his position or what he thinks are the
facts; restate his position to bis satisfaction. By this method
you indicate clearly you are interested in his views and want
to be fair. Both of you can throw off the tension of argu-
ment and listen. Emotion goes out the window and reason
comes in.

Listening is the first step toward persuasion.

80 Ttdk ^b$t Gets Results

Finally, let's consider briefly some people's attitude to-
ward compromising differences. Often there seems to be
confused thinking about this. Often people think their in-
tegrity is involved, that some principle of being honest is to
be cast aside.

This feeling against compromise seems to be the principal
obstacle that prevents some people from trying to improve
their communication methods and relationships with other
people. Rigid, uncompromising attitudes cause a great deal
of wmecessary bitterness and unhappiness in human life.

On the other hand, life is a series of readjustments and
compromises. It's the essence of a democratic society. To
compromise with people doesn't necessarily mean one has to
compromise himself.

Finally let us note well the word "unnecessary" in the
foregoing. We are not offering a pollyanna view of human
nature. Conflict is inevitable in human life, where everyone's
life experiences and interests are different. The conflict is
often a good thing. General conformity would work against
individual initiative in any phase of our society. Our main
point is that a large part of the clash and conflict is emotional,
unreasoning, and unnecessary. Let's try to put our reasoning
faculties in control, to avoid non-sense argument. Then, if
we find we still have to disagree, let's disagree agreeably.

To summarize:

i. We can avoid disagreeable personal clashes by making al-
lowance for the other fellow's viewpoint and different set
of values.

To Disagree Agreeably 8 *

2. A personal affront is the last resort of a losing antagonist
in an argument.

3 . Beware of the habit of "setting people right."

4. In trying to persuade someone to our viewpoint the first
thing to do is get his viewpoint.

5. Be sure we let him know we understand his viewpoint by
restating his position to his satisfaction,

6. People's opinions are the result of their life experiences;
they become emotional patterns, it is unpleasant for a
person to change those patterns,

7. Avoid arguments about things that cannot be proved.

8. People will not like or respect you if you fail to meet the
issue fairly and squarely. Still, you don't have to be dis-
agreeable about it.'

9. Feelings of inferiority make some people disagreeably
aggressive.

10. Many disagreeable personal clashes grow out of distor-
tion of the fundamental human drive for prestige.

1 1. Bosses and parents need to get the facts before repri-
manding.

12. Listening is the first step toward persuasion.

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE MIRAGE WORLD

OF WORDS
AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The great rock becomes a cloud as yon draw nigh. But

the cloud is beauty. How shall I hold the fleeting

picture? . . . Where shall I set my feet? ... If ye seek
troth be fluent in the stream of life.

Margni N. Lrak

Consider the flowing black gown, symbol of reverence or
learning. Think of the white lily, symbol of purity; the red
rose, symbol of love and passion.

Amulets, f eddies, and charms. The Scarlet Letter, the
yellow ticket, star and crescent, the Trojan Horse, the
swastika, the Mark of Zorro, die magic carpet. The sphinx*
The tree of knowledge and the serpent. The scarab, the
sacred cow, die black cat.

Think of die moon, sign of lunacy. Rainbow, sign of hope.

8*

The Mirage World of Words and Other Symbols 83

Think of songs of love and romance, of tragedy and hor-
ror. Think of widows* weeds. Think of Santa Qaos. Think
of blue songs and beebop. Abracadabra, incantations, and
word magic. Totems.

Homer's Iliad, Aesop's Fables, and Mother Goose.

Think of paintings of the old masters, Salvador Dali, ab-
stracts. Excalibur, talisman. Griffons and gargoyles.

Idols, statuary, and imagery. Similes and metaphors, irony
and sarcasm. The Great Seal of the United States of Amer-
ica. The crown and scepter. The mace. Four-leaf dbver.
Shibboleths, passwords, taboos, catchwords, slogans, and
trademarks. The physician's caduceus. Tokens, emblems.
Sigma Chi and Phi Beta Kappa. HkQ. $. 1 3.

Donald Duck, Don Juan, Undb Tom.

Wall Street, the Kremlin, Mecca, and the Ganges.

Think of handsiiakes, kisses, V for victory, the thumbed
nose, and other gestures^

Think of die Statue of Liberty, the Tomb of the Un-
known Soldier, the flag of your native land.

Above all, think of the awe-inspiring symbol of the Cross,
light of the worid, symbol of self-sacrifice, forgiveness and
redemption, humility and love of your fellow man.

We live in the midst of amyriad of such symbols and signs
through which men have tried down through the ages to
express ideas and feelings. Some represent men's highest as-
pirations, Some are nonsense. They are all jumbled together
in the back rooms of our minds much as we have listed them

84 Tdk That Gets Results

here. We live with and by these symbols and inherited ideas
and therein lie many of the complications of our lives.

We make squiggles on paper, written words. We make
sounds by manipulating our throats, mouths, and lips with
expulsion of breath. These sounds and marks are symbols
that humankind use to express thoughts, transmit informa-
tion, commands, or emotions.

When this is done by one person, another person or per-
sons respond in some way. Animals respond to some word
signals too. "Here, Shep, here, Shep," calls the master, and
the dog comes. "Whoa," and the horse halts. Just as human
beings respond to green and red lights or other signs, signals,
and symbols.

Man can and does invent symbols and uses them to com-
wwmcate imth other hwncms and <with animals. But animals
can't invent word symbols. Animals are only receivers of
such communication signs. Therein lies the great difference
between men and animals.

The ability to invent and use symbols is the thing that
differentiates the human from the animals. It is his unique
and distinctive ability.

With his marvelously subtle vocal apparatus and with his
symbolic use of such marks as a, b, c and i, 2, 3, 4, man has
been enabled to devise and carry on our complex material
civilization. With such symbols he has also become a cultural
being. His use of symbols makes possible his spiritual life.

"The behavior of man is of two distinct kinds: symbolic
and nonsymbolic," Leslie A. White, professor of anthro-

The Mirage World of Words md Other Symbols 85

pology, University of Michigan, points out in an article,
"The Symbol: The Origin and Basis of Human Behavior**
in Philosophy of Science (October, 1940).

Man yawns, stretches, coughs, scratches himself, cries
out in pain, shrinks with fear, "bristles with anger/* and
so on. Nonsymbolic behavior of this sort is not peculiar
to man; he shares it with many other animal species. But
man communicates with his fellows with articulate
speech, uses amulets, confesses sins, makes laws, observes
codes of etiquette, classifies his relatives and so on. This
kind of behavior is unique; only man is capable of it; it
is peculiar to man because it consists of, or is dependent
upon, the use of symbols. The nonsymbolic behavior of
man is the behavior of man the animal; the symbolic be-
havior is that of man the human being.

Along the same line Dr. Wendell Johnson of the State
University of Iowa says:

To say that we are human is to say above all and with
incalculable significance, that our problems, as individ-
uals, as groups and as a world culture, are symbolic
problems* They are the problems that center around the
problems of government, the symbols of finance and
general economy, of social status, of power and prestige,
of class and race. . . , It is not the vestige of some fore-
bear's whim that the whole structure of our educational
system is founded squarely on the three R's, for reading,
writing and the use of numbers are forms of behavior
in the absence of which humtm society would disinte-
grate and vanish.

86 Tdk That Gets Results

Man's invention of writing has made possible the accumu-
lation of knowledge, has made possible the one-step-after-
another that has marked the progress of the human race
down the generations.

Word symbols have no meemng except by agreement be-
pween the speaker and hearer and the 'writer and reader. The
word is not die thing itself. A "rose" in Finnish is called
ruusu; in Japanese, bora; in Turkish, gul. So, as had been
noted, a rose by any other name would be as sweet, would
have the petals, leaves, thorns, and other characteristics that
make it what we call a rose. Gertrude Stein said, "a rose is a
rose is a rose," meaning, perhaps, that it's what we assume it
is, Or what do you think?

Which leads us to some of the complications of human
communication.

Said Htimpty Dumpty in Through the Looking Glass,
'"When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean."
Most people think that. Or, rather, they don't think about
the words, or, more particularly, that the words might mean
something quite different to the other fellow.

We may say to a Chinese friend, "That man is yellow,"
meaning he's a coward. But the Chinese may think we're
paying the man a compliment, for in China yellow was the
legendary color that signified royalty, like royal purple in
the Western world.

Words mean different things to different people. They
mean still different things when used in various associations
with other words or in different circumstances. It depends

The Mirage World of Words md OtberSymboh 87

upon the ideas and concepts that people hare as a result of
their family rearing, education, reading, religions training,
and so on, as discussed and roughly diagramed in Chapter 2.
Old ideas and beliefs, going back to infancy, old symbols of
old concepts, may limit owr imUm^wss or abO&y to receive
ideas and to perceive the truth. So in tafking with people we
find many whom we think unreasonable or prejudiced.

We have differing ideas of the meaning of words that re-
fer to things and much more differing ideas about the mean-
ing of words that attempt to convey abstract ideas. Some
people may hear, read, and even use certain words for years,
all their lives, yet not know what they mean; not know what
the words mean to them personally; such important words
as "initiative" and "cooperation." Such abstract words are
often tricky. 'Tatriotism," for example, is a word that usu-
ally means love of the f atherland Yet, Dr. Samuel Johnson,
the eighteenth-century scholar and lexicographer, said, "Pa-
triotism is the last resort of scoundrels." Some truth in that.
"Oh, liberty, how many crimes have been committed in thy
name!" As someone said, "For every truth there is an oppo-
site truth," The language and people's minds are full of para-
doxes, contradictions, and partial truths or oppo&te truths
by exaggeration irony, sarcasm.

Often f we may sense 'what is going on tinder all this use of
words. The struggle for dominance, the needle of revenge,
the note of desire, the sigpmg-0ff signal, the flicker of dis-
taste, the look of hatred, the glow of affection. We discuss
this further in Chapter 10.

88 T&lk Tb& Gets Results

"A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanging/'
Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes observed. "It is rather the
skin of a living thought which varies greatly in color and
texture according to the atmosphere in which it is used."

The meaning of some words can hardly be expressed.
They are like music; and, as Dr. Anatol Rapoport, Univer-
sity of Michigan, and president, International Society for
General Semantics, notes, "Music cannot be objectively
talked about at all but only 'understood,' 'appreciated' or

'felt.'"

And sometimes words create the atmosphere add glitter,
an aura, or, by contrast, create a miasma, a baffling fog.

Some words have the impact of a blow. Some soften a situ-
ation to make it more tolerable.

Sometimes we consciously seek and use words that avoid
the harsh or vulgar more exact term. "Woman of the
streets," for example. Or "he is dissembling" for "he is ly-
ing." Such euphemisms are commonplace in polite society.

Sometimes the amenities of a situation, the tradition of
courtesy, demand the use of words we do not really mean.
As "Dear Sir" when writing some wastrel for the money he
owes us. Such words are not to be taken literally nor to be
taken literally nor to be considered insincere.

Well, what about all this talk about words and other sym-
bols? What differences does it make in our everyday lives?

First let's recall Pavlov's widely known experiment with
dogs. He would ring a bell, then give the dog a piece of

The Mirage Worldof Wards md Other Symbols 89

meat. He would set off a buzzer and give the dog anunpleas-
ant electric shock

After die dog was thoroughly conditioned to the bell-meat
and buzzer-shock roomie, Pavlov switched the signals. He
rang the bell and gave die dog a shock. He set off the buzzer
and offered the dog meat. The switched signals f rustraced
the dog. He didn't know what to do, so he just cowered, had
what amounted to a nervous breakdown.

So by much conditioning a person may come to believe
that certain results will inevitably follow certain word sym-
bols. He may build np in his mind a mass of folklore, old
wives 7 tales, and necromancy far, far from reality. Let's bear
in mind that it was only yesterday that witches were bcirned
at the stake in supposedly enlightened countries.

Each of us carries in tub head a set of concepts of what the
world and human life are like. Such a set of ideas acts for
each of us as a map of the world we live in. But, die general
semantfcts point out, It is just a map, not the actual territory
itself. Such maps are always fadky, and, when unthinking
people find that real life differs f rom what they conceive it
to be, they are often f rostrated, suffer from nervous tension.
Some withdraw from life, end up in asylums for the insane.
Consider the fact that in the United States more than one-
third of die hospital beds are occupied by mental patients.
Does it not appear safe to assume that a large part of these
statistics are the result of the fact that the patients have come
to feel thwarted, baffled, defeated because their relations
with the people that make up their mirage world of the mind

90 Tvlk That Gets Re&bs

have not worked out the way they firmly expected? Their
maps may have led them up against impregnable stone walls,
against which they bang and bang their heads until ex-
hausted. When actually they might have found a way
around or over the obstruction-and continued happily on
their way.

Any of us can recall instances of men whose low opinion
of human nature has led to their defeat. Men who won their
way to leadership with sweet promises, then sought to domi-
nate with fear, attempts at thought control, to shut off free
communication between people and between peoples. We
have seen such bully boys in the last decade or two in world
affairs. Such men end in disaster.

As against such cynics, we may note the perfectionists and
idealists who expect too much of other people and them-
selves. Such men, who in their communication and dealings
with others make no allowance for human fallibility, end in
disillusionment, often turn into bitter, misanthropic critics
of friends, associates, and relatives. Some who are unable to
readjust become ill or mentally deranged from frustration.

Our concepts of human nature vitally affect what we say,
'what we otherwise conmtumcate in one way or another to
other people. And what we say and communicate, and the
responses we get in owr individual lives > make or break us.

Finally, let us not take a morbid view of the symbolic
world in which we as human beings must live. Our symbols
not only make possible our coping successfully with the
physical world but they also give rise to the noblest, most

The Mirage World of Words md Other Symbols 91

rewarding, most wholesome of human ideals. Art, music,
literature, and the spiritual life would not be possible with-
out our symbols. What we seem to need Is a nice balance of
the skeptical, scientific attitude toward the symbols that sur-
round us with the recognition that people cannot live hap-
pily or successfully without symbols that stand for senti-
ment and ideals. Perhaps to improve ourselves, our ability
to communicate and deal effectively with people, we should
avoid the hard-set viewpoints of both cynics and idealists and
search for what is positive and good.

We may sum up the conclusions of this chapter thus:

1. We live by symbols, and in this fact lie many of the com-
plications of our lives,

2. Man is unique in his invention and use of symbols.

3. Some symbols give us our noblest ideals.

4. Some symbols lead us to have non-sense ideas.

5. Some symbols link our willingness or ability to receive
helpful ideas and perceive the truth.

6. When our concepts of what the world and human life is
like do not match up with reality we may become seriously
disturbed mentally, or actually insane.

7. Why not take a pragmatic attitude toward symbols, ac-
~~ cepting those that make for human accomplishment and

happiness and discar ding those that do not?

CHAPTER EIGHT

EMOTIONAL METHODS

THAT GET RESULTS
GOOD AND BAD

Babies use emotional methods of communication from the
time they are born and before they can speak a word to get
food or dry pants. They cry, scream, and kick. And do they
get results? Ask any mother! It's practically impossible to ig-
nore the baby's imperative demand for action.

That's all right for babies who can't talk, isn't it? But
psychologists tell us that when children get results by rais-
ing a ruckus after they can talk and understand what is said
to them, they may carry the ruckus method into adult life.
They will prefer it to sensible t-^llr. And this is important, as
the fundamental pattern of a person's character and person-
ality are largely formed by the age of five years, some psy-
chologists say* Observations of brain rhythms indicate the
same conclusion. Says W. Grey Walter in The Living Eram

9*

Emotional Methods That GetRmfhs Good md Bad 93

(W.W. Norton & Company.): **ChiMish behavior in adults
was shown to be related with characteristic rhythms of
childhood." A person's habits of acting often can be traced
to infancy and early childhood We have to go way back
into a person's life experience if we are to understand hjni
and communicate effectively with him.

Some people put methods of communkatkm into two
separate divisions: (i) The emotional, affecting a state of
cocisdoosness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the Eke
are experienced; and (2) die cognitive, volitional, or reason-
ing method. There is a long-standing argument among pro-
fessional communicators, such as advertising men and pob-
licists, as to which method is most resokfoL Most people use
both without dunking".

For example, let's suppose two business executives are
meeting to setde an important issue. The c^eniHgof d^

"Charlie! nice of you to come to my office." Big smile.

"Fm glad to have the excuse,* You're looking first-rate,
Hal; how are you doing**? Veay cordially said,

"I sometimes wonder. But Fm feeling okay,"

"I saw your boy the otter day. Nice Hd. Takes after his
old man. How's die rest of die f amity? "

"Jost fine. How's Emily now?"

" A lot better, Fm glad to say."

"Good! WeVe been worried. Please tell her we asked
about her. Wel/Charlie, I thought it was about time we

94 Tslk Tb& Gets Results

talked about. . . ." And the two men settle down to the issue
between them.

Despite the fact that each of these men is very busy, usu-
ally fighting for minutes in which to get his job done, each
has found that a take-it-easy, personal, emotion-affecting ex-
change is the best approach to a difficult and important talk
Each thus relaxes himself and the other fellow and creates
an emotional atmosphere favorable to efforts to reach an
agreement. On the other hand, if one seems tense and anxious
to get to the subject right off, the other wiE likely stiffen up.

We may well note, in this typical conversation as well as
others that occur daily in our own experience, that people
like to have us take an interest in them and their family af-
fairs. It's a pleasing form of personal recognition and it's
important, as personal recognition is one of the three major
desires of humankind noted in Chapter 3.

In die great American pastime of public speaking the emo-
tional approach is always easy to note. The introducer usu-
ally says something pleasant about the person he's introduc-
ingnot infrequently overdoes it with high-flying compli-
ments. And the speaker responds by returning the compli-
ments and expressing his appreciation of the audience he is
about to address.

Emotional appeal in public speaking and oratory takes
other forms. For example, the classic orations of Demos-
thenes of Athens against Philip of Macedon in ancient times
and the hysterical carryings-on of Hitler before World War
II, both aimed at creating the emotion of hate.

Emotional Methods That Get Results Good md B&d 95

Doubtless you have seen the emotional method at work
in other ways at political or other meetings. Brass bands
blare, flags wave, and the speaking begins. And half or more
of the words and gestures are directed to stirring up people
emotionally. Here is an example of emotional deflation:

We sat in the press box at the Democratic national con-
vention in San Francisco many years ago. William Jennings
Bryan, the great orator, famed for his "cross of gold" speech,
represented a minority, but one die majority feared might
upset the program of the regulars. Bryan had passed his
zenith politically. But under the American system the minor-
ity must be heard, so eventually Bryan was brought to the
platform and introduced.

Bryan, despite his noble head, was not an impressive fig-
ure. His black string tie hung limp below his chin. His cuffs
protruded too far f rom the sleeves of his alpaca coat and his
trousers furled over his congress gaiters.

People laughed and talked as he began to speak. But soon
they f el quiet and began to listen. Bryan was using words
that stirred one up liberty, the home, children, justice for
die common man, our native land, the flag, all the symbols of
things we hold most dear. But the words were not the main
thing: his great voice choked with emotion, soared out over
die audience, struck to die heart. The scroll of heaven rolled
back and one could hear the angels sing. People weptit may
be hard to believe, but even case-hardened newspapermen in
die press box wept. Bryan was given a standing ovation. He
seemed to have won everybody .

96 Tdk Tb& Gets Results

The chairman called for a recess. Everyone cooled off a
bit. When the session resumed, Senator Carter Glass was
introduced. We can't remember now what the issue was or
what Glass said. But we remember Glass's down-to-earth
way of talking, his rather rasping voice. He punctured the
balloon. He deflated the situation.

Then came Bainbridge Colby, well-groomed, suave, diplo-
matic. He presented the case for the regulars. He used some
of die symbols Bryan had used, making the appeals for the
good of the country, of the party, and of the workingman.
The tone of his speech, though, said plainly enough, "Let's
use practical common sense." It may be noted that in saying,
actually or by tone, manner, or other implication, "practical
common sense" one may be using an emotionally appealing
approach that may be more effective in persuasion than all
the heart-touching phrases a master can contrive. At any
rate, in this case the down-to-earth appeal of the regulars
won out.

We may note here that as to talks before most business or
professional groups, canny speakers avoid too much emo-
tionalism. At the same time they find it wise to observe the
amenities of the speaking situation; to recognize the impor-
tance of the people before them, to make a few humorous
opening remarks, to keep a smile on their faces and otherwise
ingratiate themselves with the audience. This is really im-
portant in public speaking just as it is in talk between two
individuals, because if people don't like you, they*re not
likely to like 'what you say.

Emotional Methods That Get RemitsGood mid Bsd 97

Not only in oratory but in all die arts the emotional appeal
predominates. The test of painting is the emotional feeling
it evokes in you when you are exposed to it; it isn't art, so
far as you are concerned, if you feel no emotion. So with
sculpture. You may feel joy and beauty or pity and sadness.
So too with poetry. Also with music. Consider opera, one of
its highest forms. It doesn't make sense as to the plot or
reasoning quality, if any, in today's American life. Yet it has
great appeal, great emotional appeal for millions;

Or consider drama and the novel. How we enjoy the emo-
tional experience of sharing with the hero or heroine their
joys and sorrows, their loves, hates, fears, and exaltation in
striving for survival, to get a mate, to win recognition, to
gain fame (see Chapter 3). The emotional impact is what
"gets" us. Not just a well-reasoned plot S6me people say
Uncle Tom's C&bm precipitated our Civil War.

Sometimes emotional appeal takes f orms we find hard to
understand. Here's an instance;

Some people enjoy drama so much they act it out in their
own lives. We knew a couple who, apparently without
cause, periodically had an emotional field day. The wife
would throw herself on the floor, scream, kick up her heels,
pound the floor. The husband would stride up and down,
frowning and growling, sometimes slamming something
breakable on the floor. What sets off such emotional out-
bursts initially is not important. But it seems apparent one or
both are attempting to communicate something. Would you

98 Talk Tbm Gets Results

say one or the other wanted some personal recognition? Or
what?

Here's an instance from business life:

We once worked with a man who was quite limited in his
ability to express his ideas, to formulate his ideas, or, you
might say, to think out what was on his mind. Yet he got
results. He got other people to help him, and over all he was
effective in his job.

How did he do it?

Well, one method he used was to call several of his assist-
ants together in his office and worry out loud. He'd say there
was a problem about which something had to be done. Often
just hi problem, not theirs. Usually he would fail to state the
problem clearly. He'd just worry and worry and worry
about it, saying the same thing over and over, shaking his
head, wrinkling his brow, closing his eyes, gesturing, and
generally carrying on. His associates thought this was stupid
on his part, but he was boss.

To get out from under the pressure he was putting on
them, they'd begin to talk out the problem. Out of the talk
they would usually find a way to state the problem clearly,
and often that would point to what ought to be done.

He put them through this ordeal many times, and his
assistants always thought hard, worked hard to help him out
of his dilemma, whatever it may have been.

Many men in industry use some such method to stir peo-
ple up, to stir them up to desired action. They'll shout or
swear or grimace or pound the table. Now we may or may

Emotional Methods That Get: Remlts-Good md Bud 99

not be listening carefully to the words he uses. The words
are relatively incidental But he gets action. How?

Isn't it by communicating to us an emotional urge?

We don't mean to hold this up as a good method to fol-
low, even though it sometimes produces the desired results,
for sometimes it makes people mad, sets them against the
person who uses the emotional method.

The point is that people can and do communicate with
other people emotionally in business life and in other phases
of everyday life; that they influence people emotionaUy to
act in certain ways; and that the &ctud 'words or the

A friend, Bob Busseli, told us an experience somewhat
along this line but with a different angle, the sort of angle
that may often be noted in everyday life.

Bob was then a young subeditor on a newspaper that had
acquired a big circulation upstate by gathering local items
f rom all die towns in that temtorythree or four pages of
such items daily. Bob had gooe to work in the upstate de-
partment right after die man who had built i| up had died.
New head of the department was Hairy Pitman, a middle-
^jed man who knew little about the newspaper business but
was reputed to know nearly everything about every man,
woman, and child in die territory. Ortman gathered the
news and largely wrote it. Bob's job was to edit it and make
tip the pages.

When Bob would ask Ortman a question about editing or
make-up, Ortman would bluster and bluster, and if Bob per-

IOO

TsUtTbte Gets Results

sisced, Ortman would turn on Bob, blow up, call him a numb-
skull, and generally carry on,

"For a long time," Bob said, "I was completely 'confused
and nonplussed when Qrtman did this. His action didn't
make sense. Then it began to make me mad and I went to the
managing editor. He said to me, 'Relax, my boy. Try to
understand Ortman's position. He's really a good man for
us-knows everything about everything and everybody up-
state. But he doesn't know newspaper editorial techniques.
When you ask him a question about editing and make-up
you put him at a loss, threaten his prestige even his job, he
thinks-so he counterattacks by making a big noise and try-
ing to put you on the defensive.

" 'Remember, people bluster to cover up, to save face. If
youll just keep that in mind you'll save yourself a lot of
rows and you'll get along with that kind of people better.
Don't make an issue of it. Just ignore it when he blows. Or
change the subject in a matter-of-fact way. You cwft com-
bat wnreasonable actions by reasoning ivith a person? "

Along with these instances of people's using emotional
methods of influencing other people in one way or another,
there is an endless list of gestures and kinetic phases of com-
munication. For example, it is said that in shaking hands
Theodore Roosevelt always made it a point to let go of the
other fellow's hand first. Some people make it a point to be
the first to leave a party. These bodily motions say, "I am an
important person. My time's valuable," Thus seeking per-
sonal recognition.

Emotional Methods That Get RemitsGood md Bad 101

Some of these communications by bodily movements are a
bit subtle. Who can always say, for example, when a person
laughs whether he is laughing with us or at us? That's im-
portant. To have people laugh with us is delightful; the
laughter of derision is intolerable.

So let us, unemotionally, sum up:

1. Babies get results with emotional methods, by raising a
ruckus, before they can speak or understand a word

2. If they continue to get results by this method after they
understand language they may carry the habit of raising
rows to adult life.

3. People find it pays to create a favorable emotional srtaa-
tion or atmosphere before bringing up serious practical
matters for discussion,

4. Emotional appeal is a dominant influence in oratory.

5. On the other hand, the informal, casual manner is usually
most agreeable and effective in modern t?T|rg to groups.

6. Your best test of a work of ait: painting, sculpture, music,
drama i your emotional response to it.

7. Fmc&ioiial methods of stirring people to action are often
effectively used in business life.

8. People often bluster to cover up and save face.

9. If people like us (and that's an emotional matter) they are
inclined to like what we say . And vice versa.

CHAPTER NINE
PEOPLE ARE SUGGESTIBLE

Remember the little girl who was warned to think before
die spoke?

<r But," she protested, "how can I tell what I think until I
see what I say?"

There are several important implications in this story told
by Joseph B. Pope, management consultant and member of
the Controllers Institute.

Is it not true that there are two dangers in talking without
thinking or talking from fuzzy thinking? First, we are quite
apt to make a doubtful statement, are we not? And second,
and more important as the story of the little girl implies, ive
have a tendency to believe and to be committed to 'what ive
say. For one of the first persons affected by what is said is the
person who says it (see Figure II, page 13).

People are very suggestible. They may be affected by
"what other people say, or they may be affected by what they
say themselves.

People also evaluate people, events, and things. As we
have noted, when any subject is mentioned in conversation

102

People Are Suggestible 103

we are apt to make some comment- One reason is that we
correcdy think the other person expects it. So we toss off an
opinion, often a snap judgment, not a well-considered opin-
ion- Combine this with the tendency of a person to believe
what he says and we have a dangerous situation of a sort that
f aces us almost constantly when we are with people.

"Ran across Charlie Atwood the other day," a friend re-
marks.

"The world's worst tightwad," we comment.

"Oh?"

There's surprise or doubt in our friend's voice.

"Yes," we reply, and set out to prove what we've said
Charlie Atwood makes a good salary, but he drives an old
wreck of a car, his wife goes in shabby clothes. Charlie eats
lunch at Bill the Dog Man's, never buys a drink. And so on
and so on, backing up oor snap evaluation of Atwood.

Now, all this is unf ortunate because Charlie is actually a
fine character. He has f our children to support. More than
that, Charlie's widowed mother has been in the hospital for
a long rime, with nurses round the clock at frequent inter-
vals; and he has a combination of other money-draining cir-
cumstances. Yet we have dropped some cruel suggestions
about Charlie not only into the mind of the friend with
whom we were talking but into our own minds as welL Then
we are apt to act as if these suggestions were true. Too bad.
Too bad for us, for our friend is apt to think we're a mean
sort of person when he learns all the essential facts about
Charlie.

104 Talk Tb&t Gets Results

Not only do we have the inclination to make an evaluating
statement every time anybody or anything is mentioned, but
we are inclined to put a label on the person or thing. Thus
one person may mention Henry Frothingham and we com-
ment, "He's a radical," or "a dumbbell" or "a screwball." In
this connection we may note that all too often the comment
fe unfavorable. But, in any event, when we put a label on a
person it is likely to stick in our minds. We begin to believe
our own label that's what the person is. An offhand opinion
we so blithely give, with very little evidence to back it, be-
comes our fixed belief. We may elaborate on it and thus go
farther and farther astray.

Isn't it better to say what the person does that we like or
don't like? That is what the general semanticists apparently
mean by "operational definition." They advise us to be
wary of the word is.

Let's think before we commit ourselves. As a little oddity
that's going the rounds has it: "Be sure mind is engaged be-
fore putting mouth in gear."

But we can make constructive suggestions to ourselves,
too. Marjory Wilson recognizes this in How to Live Beyond
Your Means (J. B. lippincott Company), a helpful book in
spite of its rather flippant tide. She advises her readers to
sing when they get up in the morning, whether they feel
like singing or not. It helps mightily thus to suggest to your-
self that you feel well and are happy. Just try it. Do it often.
As William James, the pioneer American psychologist, said

People Are Suggestible 105

in discussing habit formation, "go through the outward mo-
tions" enough times and you will fix the helpful habit.

We know a man who helped pull himself out of a bad
nervous crack-up with such autosuggestion. There he was
in late middle age, sick and completely exhausted, full of
anxiety about his job, money affairs, his family's welfare. A
friend, a wealthy and successful industrialist, sent him a copy
of a sermon in which the clergyman dealt with faith and how
it might act upon the subconscious mind. The sick man was
particularly intrigued by the statement that the subcon-
scious mind was "unreasoning and undisoiminating," would
seize upon any suggestion made to it and act as if it were true.
We'd better see that we make good suggestions to ourselves
was the point. The clergyman pointed out how faith in God
worked in that connection.

Well, our sick acquaintance was not particularly a re-
ligious man but he decided to try out the clergyman's ideas.
He evolved a sort of formula:

"God is guiding me
To health, happiness and success
Through service to others."

"I don't know whether I believed that Btde saying or not,"
this acquaintance said afterward* "I just didn't question k.
Maybe Fd have had fosiltoads roling round in my stomach
all night and f ek every norve twitching ia the morning* But
Fd just grin at the sk@aii I was in as I went through my
little f onuola, over and

106 Talk That Gets Results

"I firmly resolved not to mate a single negative sugges-
tion to myself not ever.

"My wife would inquire: 'What kind of a night did you
have, dear? 3 I'd reply, 'Okay. I'm feeling a lot better.'

"Did I tell myself I was a liar? I did not. I just said I felt
like I'd like to feel. Actually I felt like hell and wanted to tell
everybody. Why is it that we want so badly to tell people
when we feel lousy? But anyway, I steadfastly didn't.

"Did I go all out and read Dr. Norman Peak's The Power
of Positive Thinking and Bishop Fulton J. Sheen's Peace of
Saul and Joshua Liebman's Peace of Mind. But of course!
And I think they helped too.

"Beyond that, of course, I took good physical care of my-
selfquit smoking and drinking and ate simple, easy-to-
digest food; took a lot of mild exercise in the open air.

"So gradually I pulled out of a long convalescence. Of
course, it may have just been coincidence. It may have been
that this faith-and-good-suggestion idea was brought to me
just at die time I would have started on the upgrade anyway.
But in any event, I'm not taking any chances. I'm sticking
with the good-suggestion system."

"How are you feeling now?" we asked our acquaintance.

"Just tops! " he replied, and there was a twinkle in his eye.

So we may sneer or smile tolerantly when we hear some-
thing such as that. But the fact is that there is a mounting
body of evidence to indicate the very great influence for
good or ill in suggestion. One of the most recent treatises on
the subject is the book Management of the Mind (Houghton

People Are Suggestible 107

Miffiin, publishers) by Edward McGoldrick, Jr., founder
and director of the famous Bridge House of New York Gty,
which, Time magazine notes, over a period of years has had
phenomenal results in the treatment of alcoholism and other
neurotic compulsions.

As before indicated, the book you are holding in ytmr
hand is about communicating with the regular ran of "nor-
mal" people. It is best for most people to restrain any im-
pulse to go into the morbid labyrinths of abnormal psy-
chology lest they themselves become morbid

Yet the average intelligent layman can learn something of
practical, personal value from the methods used by psy-
chologists in counseling people who are fearful, agitated,
evasive, withdrawn, or defensive, Dr. William H. Peinber-
ton, San Francisco consultant in psychology and education,
explained his method in a paper he presented at the Second
Conf erence on General Semantics, Washington University,
St. Louis, June 12, 1954. He said in part:

Questions of those seeking therapeutic help are gen-
erally of three kinds. They ask *wby they and other peo-
ple of their acquaintance think, fed and act as they do.
They ask the memmg of their own and other people's
behavior. They ask what can be done about it.

Therapy begins with die suggestion that the counse-
lor and counselee Join in a search for this information,
that they operate together as a research team-

The counselor suggests that the patient's questions
cannot be f rukfoHy investigated except in light of die
| olowing axioms:

io8 Talk That Gets Results

1. There is no single why. (Causation is multiple.)

2. There is no single meaning. (Meanings are mul-
tiple.)

3. There is no single thing to be done. (There are
many alternative courses of action.)

Thus the counselor at the beginning seeks by suggestion
to loosen op the inflexible, rigid mind. Along with the "self-
corrective" approach the counselor seeks to communicate to
the patient his own faith that something can be done about
it, his assumptions underlying therapy.

These assumptions [says Dr. Pemberton] are that
everyone has within himself the mechanisms of self-
correction and self-direction, that everyone has a poten-
tial for growth and maturity, and that everyone has the
capacity to improve his coinmunicability , and so relate
to love and be loved more effectively.

Right here we might note that the main purpose of the
civilized man is to bring his hidden emotional drives under
control of his reasoning mind.

It's amazing, when you think of it, how many people keep
making negative, destructive suggestions to themselves. Such
as: "I hate mathematics; algebra is beyond me/* "The boss
hates me, I'll never get anywhere here," and so on. These are
suggestions for failure.

Why do some people get things done, get ahead, while
others who are just as smart fail? Isn't it because they don't
doubt their ability to do it, that they have enough faith in
themselves to tackle it? They do it while others welter in a

People Are Suggestible 109

sea of self-doubt and indecision. One can see this every day
in business life.

The vice-president of one of America's largest companies,
who won his way to high position through merit, including
ability to work with others, recently called our attention to
an article about Harry P. Davison, written in 1933. The
vice-president had kept this article in his desk all these years
because of the help he received by referring to Davisou's
life principles. These principles made Davison, the late B* C.
Forbes reported, "perhaps the ablest self-made man pro-
duced in America's financial world this century, and cer-
tainly the most loved." Here are the thoughts Davison
constantly kept suggesting to himself:

Learn to find joy in life.

Assiduously cultivate, and never lose, a sense of humor.

Live adventurously.

Fear nobody, nothing.

Have faith in yoor fellow men childlike faith, Implicit
faith, refusing to suspect even remoftdy that they will not
respond fairly to you.

Radiate cbeer, good humor, happiness.

Rate human beings as infinitely more important than any-
thing else in the wodki

Treat the humblest with the saeie respect as the highest.

Be approachable, receptive to the ideas of others, tolerant.

Compromise on ways and means, never on principle. Con-
centrate cm seeking to serve, ^id accumuktion will take care
of itself, So wffl recognition, honor, and affection of others.

1 10 Tdk Tbst Gets Remits

Make friends, vigilantly strive to help them find scope for
the ezercise of their talents.

Cultivate vision, think big.

Enlist enthusiastic cooperation by being an enthusiastic
leader.

Accept setbacks, disappointments, defeat without rancor.

Stick to your objective, and your faith in being able to
reach it.

Advertising men and other propagandists use suggestion as
an effective means of selling goods or ideas. See a typical
automobile advertisement in any popular journal: Most of
the space will likely be given over to an illustration of a
beauteous girl standing beside the car at a swanky country
club. The suggestion: Buy this car and you'll be rich, so-
cially upper-crust, and a lovely gal like this will be your
dish. Silly, you say? Yes, of course. But the cynical advertis-
ing men don't expect their prospects to be reasonable and
they sell things to them by just such non-sense suggestions.

Suggestion appears to be the most powerful method that
can be used in persuasion, to induce people to change their
beliefs and habits of actions. Doubtless we all have noticed
how difficult it is to get people to change. We can hardly
blame them, as from infancy onward each person has de-
veloped with great difficulty a set of beliefs in his effort to
make some sense out of the chaos that surrounds him.

"We tend to believe what we want to believe," Professor
Weller Embler of the Cooper Union, New York, points
out. "We can always get information that will support our

Peopk A re Suggestible 1 1 1

wishful thinking. ... As GOT desires become more intense we
tend to alter, in our minds, the nature of the world around

us."

Earl C Kelly, professor of education at Wayne Univer-
sity, Detroit, has noted that each individual builds a filter or
screen or wall around himself to protect him "from the mis-
cellaneous bombardment of externality." This may become
so hard and thick that the person is deprived of much that
would be of value to him if it could get in. "Words bounce
off this wall unless the words express ideas in keeping with
the individual's already established attitudes and prejudices."

Thus we may see that most people are dead set against
changing their minds, their beliefs and their habits of acting.
We will not often get far with frontal attacks or violent at-
tacks on their beliefs.

So, as a practical matter in attempting to persuade, would
it not seein well, first, to begin with some statenient the per-
son already believes, to find act area of agreement; second,
to establish a feeling of mutual effort to find the right an-
swer; and, finally, to advance gently a mild suggestion?

Of course there are cases where one person may "reason"
with another and thus persuade him to a changed viewpoint.
But all too often a person feds his p^est%e is involved, that
he is knuck&g under to the odier; and nobody wants to do
that.

In any case where saving face or other emotional matter
is concerned, we know of no method of persuasion more
likely IB succeed tfeiti that of finding common ground with

1 1 2 T$k Tbst Gets Results

the other fellow, getting him involved with you in an effort
to find the answer and finally advancing suggestion.

But let's not expect people to accept our new idea im-
mediately. People's minds wheel around very slowly. Give
time for your suggestion to soak in.

Now finally let's come down to the most constructive
point of all:

Our minds can be managed to our great benefit. True, it
seems to be, that the subconscious or unconscious mind
which accepts and acts without our awareness is a powerf ul
influence; true that it is und^riminating and unreasoning;
has no power in itself of rejection. But beyond that there are
ways in which the managing part of the mind may be put in
control of the subconscious part of the mind and use it to
reasonable and good purpose. Nothing appears to be more
important than that. The highest aspirations of mankind are
wrapped up in this effort.

At the same time, so much research yet remains to be
done, so little is known of how the human mind works, that
we are inclined to take a sympathetic attitude toward the
skeptics. Undoubtedly a great deal of pseudoscientific clap-
trap has been put out on the subject; let's beware of it.

But, at the very least, we can be fairly sure of this: People
who think and talk health, happiness, and success are usually
very agreeable people to be with; and we can be such per-
sons ourselves if we really want to. Practical suggestion: Try
it steadf astly for at least a month. No negative suggestions

People Are Suggestible 113

from yourself. Keep away from negative, hypercritical peo-
ple. And see what results you personally get.

Do you agree that these are the main points in this chap-
ter's discussion of suggestion and the subconscious mind?

1. Be careful what you say you are apt to believe it.

2. People are suggestible.

3. Suggestion is the most powerful method of persuasion.

4. The subconscious mind is unreasoning, undiscrmmatrng T
and has no power of rejection.

5. The unconscious mind accepts whatever suggestion is
made to it and operates to make you act as if the suggestion
were true.

6. But the governing part of your mind can take charge, can
reject injurious negative suggestions.

7. You can get great value frcra constantly mafctng positive
helpful suggestions to yourself .

8. Just try it. Don't doubt k. Just try it.

CHAPTER TEN

HlGH TALK, DOUBLE TALK,
AND INNUENDO

Now, how about negative entropy, latency, summation
characteristics, multiordinality, behavior determinants,
speech engineering, metalanguage, interpersonal communi-
cation nets from one-to-one to centrifugal with perhaps a
bk of acculturation thrown in for good measure?

We're not going into all these esoteric matters. The words
and phrases above were picked up at random from a list of
studies that enter into the immense task of establishing un-
derstanding and effective communication between and
among people. These subjects were mentioned, among
others, by a psychologist and management consultant at the
beginning of an interesting and practical paper he presented
before a meeting of public- and f oreign-relations officers. It is
incidental hgre, but die serious point the speaker was mak-
ing was that a great variety of scientific studies are involved
in the effort to bring about understanding.

The main point, so far as this chapter is concerned, is that
unusual words and phrases are apt to be "high talk 1 ' to the

114

High Talk, Double T&lk, md Immsndo 1 1 5

regular ran of folks. One psychologist referred to the "weird
jargon" often used by his colleagues* However, to social
scientists such technical words and phrases are efficient in
expressing a great deal quickly. Useful point for us: Don't
talk too high for the hearers. They may think we are high-
hatting them, trying to be superior, thus running counter to
their basic drive for respect, as discussed in Chapter 3.

When academic people talk about "discipline" they are
referring to "instruction and exercise designed to train to
proper conduct or action." Academic people are fond of that
word. But when they speak of discipline in that sense to the
people of industry the industry people may misunderstand
or regard the word as a rather precious example of high talk.
Actually business and industry people generally don't lie
the word "discipline" has unpleasant connotations of hav-
ing to impose punishment on someone or maybe of having
punishment imposed on them.

If, when a visitor calls, the secretary says, "Mr. Jones is in
conference," the visitor may consider the word "confer-
ence" as high talk. On the other hand if the secretary says,
"Mr. Jones is in a meeting," the word "meeting" is more
likely to be acceptable.

When the boss tells the employee foe ought to approach
his job in a "constructive" manner, it's high fatk to the em-
ployee, He senses thai- the boss is probably trying to tell him
he ought to work harder; bet why doesn't the boss "say k
plain" instead of wsmg the vagee, Mgtnbrow word "con-
structive"?

TMkThMt Gets Results

So, too, when the word "factor" is used "Higher eche-
lon" is okay for military officers but when used in civilian
organizations may sound like high-hat talk.

How shall we "equate" several propositions, how "orient"
ourselves or somebody eke, how "integrate" a new member
without giving "gratuitous" advice? How can we "differen-
tiate" between "objective" and "subjective" in considering
how people look at and deal with a problem? Do we make
our judgments on an "empirical" basis?

In our particular business or profession such words may
be understood, very acceptable. Nevertheless, generally
speaking, nobody's face lights up. We are likely to be
greeted with the dead pan,

In fact, when we are talking with close associates we may
find that putting our thoughts in plain words will make our
meaning a lot clearer. Old problems become easier to grasp
and deal with when we strip away the technical words and
dbe vague academic-sounding words that creep into the jar-
gon of business, government, and education and just "say it
piain." Then, too, we may come to think more clearly, be-
cause we have to, when we use definite, precise words, in-
stead of the pretentious words that get to be the vogue.

Nevertheless there is a place for high talk. A high occasion
demands thoughts and words of dignity and nobility, ex-
pressed in formal manner. Fortunate is he who can rise to
the high occasion and speak accordingly. Lincoln's Gettys-
burg address is probably our best-known example of this.
Lincoln's noble thoughts of die heroic dead march with
measured tread into the highest places of our minds. His high

High Talk, Double 1W&, md Innuendo * 1 7

expressions did honor to the high occasion. His words were
appropriate. It is interesting to note below (courtesy of In-
dustrial Bulletin of Arthur D. Little, Inc., Cambridge, Mas-
sachusetts) how flat his address would have fallen if pilled
down by a modem-day exponent of plain talk.

T t acrty,
#

a great
to dadLcarte a portioa ^f

u8

in a practical way, oor main concern in regard to
high talk is that we don't use pretentious words and phrases
in cooHEraiplace situations. Let's not write or talk "for the
ages** or "for posterity" when dealing with prosaic matters.
Fk the talk to the occasion. A friend told this incident:

*TTie other night a friend and I were going to a movie.
I stepped op to the glass booth at the front of the theater
where a pretty girl was selling the tickets.

" What's the status of the picture?* I asked

a *What?> she responded.

* *What's the status of the picture? 7 1 repeated

"This rime her brow lowered and she really appeared
irritated She just sat there looking at me with considerable
distaste.

"At last it dawned on me that she didn't get what I meant
by 'status/ So I said, 'Has the main picture started? If so, is
it half over, or just starting, or what's going on in there right
now?*

ar Why didnya say that in the first place?* the girl re-
sponded 'Cartoon's on now.*

"She took my money, gave me the tickets and change, and
turned to the next customer with a gesture that said plenty.

"Such a pretty girl too," my friend added irrelevantly.

The point of this trifling story is: People don't like it
when we use words they don't know the meaning of. They
will forgive a dangling preposition, such as "oF* at the end
of the sentence just prececfag. But they are not favorably
impressed by what seems to them to be high talk.

High Tdk y Double Tslk, md Immmdo 1 2 1

youVe read so much. Poor little me I just don't know
anything. But maybe if I had more evenings at home,
Fd do some reading, too! "
"Well, well! " said my spouse.

But secret undermeanings of talk may be noted in con-
versations between men, too. What they say and what they
mean are two different things. The late Eugene Q*NeilI, the
dramatist, portrayed this strikingly in his play Strmge Inter-
lude , by having his characters not only speak to other char-
acters in the play but also indicate at the same time what
they are thinking.

One such passage indicates that the real and the unreal
become confused in our spoken and hidden thoughts. It is
true that often, unconsciously, a lot of such thoughts bedevil
people. Also it may be noted, thoughts often get only half
expressed, if at alL Running along with the spoken or written
words are the unspoken thoughts, which are not infre-
quently the more important.

In the stories in this chapter of people talking together
we may see evidence of the bask: human drives at work, as
discussed in Chapter 3: the desire for personal recognition,
resentment of being high-hatted, the humble yearning to be
important, the desire for position, the fierce, subde fencing
b hold a sweetheart, the parent's desire to hold the child's
Sffection under cover of supposed high, unselfish principle,
"tidso on.

^^Some of it Is mher fenny* Some tragic. But anyway,
at ^dn't we face it, aiasd thus avoid the trouble k often

122 T&lk That Gets Results

causes? Shouldn't we be consciously aware of why we talk
and act as we do? As Anatoi Rapoport, University of Mich-
igan mathematical biologist, says, once we understand why
we act as we do we are freed to continue or to stop doing it.
That's what the study of communication should do for us:
Free as from the constricting and distorting influences that
are often imposed upon us as the result of what others have
said to os and what we have said to ourselves. Let's try to
understand and so become free people, exercising freedom
of choice, instead of people driven by unsuspected compul-
sions.

r. Words that are common talk among some people may be
high talk among others.

2. When we use high talk others may regard it as high-hat
talk. And nobody likes to be high-hatted.

3. Well tisually think more clearly if we use definite simple
words. Vague, abstract words make for diffused thinking.

4. Lots of people use double talk on purpose. We have to
sense the meaning underneath.

5. People's fundamental desires are expressed in many subtle
ways, are sometimes covered up or partly indicated by
what they say, how they say it, or by what they don't say.

6. It will help us to know why people, including ourselves,
talk and act as they do. Once understanding, we are freed
to continue doing it or stop doing it, rather fh^n being the
victim of unsuspected ccMBpdbioiis.

CHAPTER ELEFEN

GETTING RESULTS

FROM GROUP TALK

An officer of one of the leading service organizations of this
country, a man we shall call Blackf ord, tells tfois story of the
first group meeting he held with his company's public con-
tact employees shortly after Pearl Harbor:

Things were pretty tough. The war was on. We -were
shorthanded. Mechanical facilities were not adequate
and a lot of our people were confused and disgruntled.
Personal service to customers and die public had deteri-
orated. What we wanted to do was to improve the per-
sonal service. You might say we were trying to get a
courtesy campaign started.

We didn't have any specialist in that sort of work so
I took k on peisofially. I was at that time attached to the
executive staff . I decided to start esqperimentally at re-
gional headquarter of the district where we were get-
ting ribe most complaints about the service.

manager sept down word to the district

1 24 Talk Tb$& Gets Results

manager to arrange the meeting for me. I arrived at the
town early the morning of the meeting. I went straight
to the district manager's office, as I knew that was the
thing to do.

"The meeting is set for 10 A.M.," the district manager
said. "Pin tied up so can't attend, but Fve told this
young assistant of mine, Clancy, to go with you. Fll
have about 20 men there. You just go ahead and speak
your piece. Keep it brief. And dorft let those so-and-
sos talk"

I said, "Okay. We're just groping our way. If you
don't want them to talk, we won't let them. We'll see
how it works out."

The district manager was an old-timer.

Clancy and I and Jones, the district sales representa-
tive, arrived at the plant shortly before ten. The meet-
ing room was dingy, dimly lighted and rather cold that
day. On a little raised platform there was a small table
and chairs for Clancy and me. In front of the platform
were a number of benches without backs for the men.

Well, the men drifted in, some of them just off shift.
They hung around the back of the room.

Qancy and I went up on the platform and sat down.
Clancy rapped on the table and asked the men to come
tip and sit down. When they had done so he said, "This
is Mr. Blackf ord from the executive vice-president's of-
fice. He has something he wants to say to you."

As you may imagine I felt rather uncomfortable
about the situation but I went ahead and made nay pitcb.
As I recall, it wasn't a bad talk. I said courtesy and con-
sideration for the customers would make the work
easier, avoiding most of the a^nmeots and personal

Getting Results from Group T&lk 125

clashes that wear a man out; also courtesy would be
remembered, would bring and hold business and mean
more jobs and better opportunity for everyone eventu-
ally; and finally good personal service would help the
war effort.

The men listened all right but most of them looked
sort of sullen. One fellow especially right in the f root
row. With his face you could've fought a bulldog. As I
talked he seemed to get more and more hostile.

My talk was brief and when I had finished, Gancy
said, "Thank you, Mr. BlackforcL The meeting is ad-
journed."

The fellow on the front bench f airly leaped to his
feet. "Just a minute!" he shouted above the other men
who were trying to speak or scrapsig the benches
around, "I got something to say about this."

It was a bad situation. We'd promised the district
manager, whose cooperation we needed if we were to
get anywhere, that we wouldn't let the men talk^ But,
by the gods, they sure were going to. Apparently they'd
never had such a chance to tell their trouble to someone
from management.

We had to let them talk. You never heard such a
spewing out of grievances: Overworked, conflicting
instructions given them, terrible facilities to worfs: wMi,
and so on and so on. They were plenty madl

Finally Jones, the sales ix^esem^^ managed to get
the floor. "Fellows," he said, **I faiow personally that a
lot of the things you say are true." Then he detailed a
number of instances wtere c&>editk>fis were unsatis-
factory and saidlJfefflM^eiiiest wmted to know more.
He said too ffat be &BCV ffl$t of Ac men present per-

u6 Talk Tb&t Gets Results

sonally and he told a number of cases of unusually good
service rendered by them in the face of many difficulties.
Not being bound by any promise to the district man-
ager, he said, "Tell us more." This was the turning point
of the conference.

They told us plenty. And pretty soon one fellow told
about a customer who was so haywire that we all had to
laugh. Well, everybody talked and we all relaxed as the
meeting turned into a bull session and personal-experi-
ence roundup. Finally one of the men took a newspaper
clipping out of his wallet and read a poem about cour-
tesy. Really, you wouldn't believe it, but the meeting
ended up in a sort of love feast.

Believe me, this is a true story and factual in every de-
tail. What we learned from this meeting was first that
you have to let the other fellow talk and listen to him,
too, if you want him to open his mind to what you have
to say.

Chit of this poor start we developed over a period of
more than a dozen years a well-rounded, real confer-
ence-type human relations program, based on two-way
communication, as our specialists call it. It has helped
improve morale of the front-line men and morale of all
ranks. We found that morale comes from the top. We
had to bring the bosses into the training deal, make them
a part of it; in fact, make them responsible for it. The
attitude of the men depends on the attitude of the bosses.
You've got to let people talk and ask questions and get
tilings off their chests all up and down the line.

Blackf ord went on to say that tfaek human relations con-
ferences, as finally developed^ were apparently loosely or-

Getting Remits from GroupTidk 125

ganized, though actually they were skillfully guided by the
conference leader. Each issue was fully talked out; then the
points they agreed on were written down on a blackboard
This took a lot of rime; each conference lasted around two
hours, with a break of five or ten minutes at the end of the
first hour.

When they got to the top-level officers some of them
were pretty restive about "all this rime being wasted,"
Blackford continued:

<e Why don't you just tell them," said one of the vice-
presidents, an old-timer, addressing the confenence-
leading specialist. ic Why don't you just tell 'em that
you're employed by the company because the manage-
ment believes you're the best man in die field in this
kind of work and then just write your half-dozen points
on the blackboard and have the men copy them all down
in their notebooks. The whole meeting needn't take
over fif teen minutes."

In answer to this die conference leader explained that
people 'want to have a part in making the decisions that
affect them. Especially was this true in die delicate mat-
ter of inducing people to accept new ideas that would
have the effect of changing their attitudes in dealing
with customers and die public.

People don't suddenly reverse their thinfrmg and sud-
denly change their attitudes. Their attitudes are a part
of dieir personalities, a part erf them. Nobody wants to
change his identity. In any case people's minds change
slowly. You can't Just tdl *em and let it go at that. It
takes time. To persuade people, yM bm?e to get tfaem

iz8 Talk Tb&t Gets Resvhs

<wkb you, drop & mild suggestion here send
there md let them make up their own vmnds. Not a
simple nor quick process, especially in changing atti-
tudes.

Hob Ferguson, the human relations trainer, is fond of pre-
trading in his conferences, wkh a twinkle in his eye, that
down in the Ozarks where he grew up he, like the other
boys, never had shoes on until he was twenty years old It's
an old quip, but everybody likes it.

Hob tells this story:

In the primary school where Hob lived, a twenty-year-old
boy asked, "Teacher, how do you spell rat?"

* R-a-t spells rat," the teacher replied

ce Oh no," said the boy, "I don't mean mouse rat. I mean
rat now!"

Now you may laugh at that or perhaps think it's absurd.
But let's consider a moment: Is there a valuable point for us
in Hob's story and how and why he talks about himself that
way?

Hob is a thoroughly sophisticated fellow and he knows
what he's doing. He's been through the mill in various
phases of having to get ideas across to people. He's been a
high-school teacher, salesman, sales manager, lecturer, and
human relations trainer of thousands of supervisors in large
industries.

In the first place, why does Hob take up the valuable time
of his conference with the talk about his supposed hillbilly
background, never having had shoes on til? lie was twenty

Getting Result? from Group Tdk 1 29

and that sort of nonsense? Why does he tell the mouse-rat
story?

Well, it's not just a pleasantry. The conferees know it's
not true, but it has the effect of assuring them that he's not
going to tell them what to do or high-hat them in any way.
Hob knows that people resent change, particularly cbmging
their attitudes, 'which comes pretty close to chmging their
personalities. Usually the conferees are officers or super-
visors in big companies and they feel they Ve been quite suc-
cessfulso why change? So Hob says quite definitely at the
very beginning that his part is merely to bring together by
discussion all die practical experience of the people in the
conference. Hob knows it is important that he say this, as
experiments of social scientists dealing with the organiza-
tional structure of the conference indicate that whoa die
conference leader is in the center of the problem-solving
group, the communication Is relatively modi more effective
than when the conf erence leader is placed out in front of tic
group, in a position indicating superiority.

This touchy matter of trying to change people reminds
us of General Hurley's story of a little giri down in the
Indian territory. The teacher asked her who Socxates was.
''Socrates," the little gkl replied, **was a Greek philosopher
who went about giving people good advice. They poisoned

f history. Havm't you no-
ticed ii your own experience that people seldom like advice
eviea good advie?

1 30 Talk Tb& Gets Remits

And just a word about the mouse-rat, right-now story:
The obvious point is that the sounds we make with our
talking apparatus may mean different things to different peo-
ple. We may see this in every level of society. Communica-
tion is faulty, even between intellectuals and scientists.

Now you may think that Hob is a sly one, the way he
puts things over on the unsuspecting members of his con-
ferences. Maybe there's something in that; he certainly has
some ideas to sell to the conferees. But the fact is that Hob
says, and quite sincerely, that he never holds a conference
on human relations without learning something new himself.

The point seems important. Naturally we want people to
agree with us. But we will not be intelligently selfish unless
we hold our minds open for other viewpoints. We have to
risk having our own minds changed in discussions with peo-
pk or we won't learn much. And certainly tve <won 7 t win the
cooperation that is necessary -for success in industrial, pro-
fessiamly or social life unless ise learn to listen. So it may be
said that if we expect to change a person's attitude we have
to rist having our own attitude changed. A man must be
very self -confident and open-minded to take that risk.

Why is it so important to listen? Isn't it apparent that lis-
tening is one of die most obvious ways of recognizing and
showing appreciation of the other perron's worth as an in-
dividual human being? Everybody wants that; it is one of
the fundamental desires of humankkid, as we noted in
Chapter 3.

We once sat in a series of human relations conferences

Getting Results from Group Tdk 131

with a railroad group that included Jim Patin, assistant per-
sonnel chief of the Pennsylvania Railroad, Jim was quite a
wit and he had a keen insight into other people's thinking
and feeling. We all spoke in turn, and Jim was at the far end
of the big table. He had to wait until near the aid of the
first day. When it finally came his torn he looked round the
table with feigned naivete and said, "I was so interested in
what I was going to say I could hardly wait." Everybody
laughedit was so true of each of us.

So true of all of us- So wrapped up in ourselves, in what
we're going to say, that we can hardly waitcan hardly
listen.

F. J. Roethlisberger, professor of human relations, Har-
vard Graduate School of Business Administration, suggests:
"Hie biggest block to persona! communication is man's in-
ability to listen intelligently, understandingly and sMBfaEy
to another person."

Listening is a skilL One has to train oneself to do it welL
But if we don't listen we personally get nothing ram a con-
ference. What are we there for anyway, to impress some-
body with what *& know or to really get some selfish bene-
fit by listening carefully to the other fellows?

The asking of questions and fisteakig carefully to the an-
swers appears to be the most effective medbod a conf erence
leader cam use. In preparing for a group meeting, Hob Fer-
guson suggests in his book Teamwork through Discussion
tfeai: the leader carefoiy consider in asdvaoce what he wants

132 T*lkTb&t Gets Results

to achieve and what questions he should ask to accomplish
his purposes.

IB opening the discussion the first question may well be,
"How shall we word the objective?" Nothing is more im-
portant in the conference than gaining at the outset a com-
mon definite agreement on what the meeting is about and
what is to be accomplished.

Second, especially if it is a human relations conference,
"How important is this matter to my work or to me per-
sonally?" This adds incentive in tackling the subject.

If it is a problem-solving conference the second question
may well be, "What facts do we have?"

Then, "Jim, what has your experience been?" This to
bring die conferees into the discussion. Also, for the same
purpose, *What other angles are there, Bob?"

To get the discussion back on the beam or change the
trend without offense: "That's interesting, but what about
this principal point?"

Finally, to wind up the conference, <c Let's see if we're all
agreed. How would you word the consensus of the meeting,
George?"

'Direct questions," says Ferguson, "are addressed to a
particular person in the group, in order to get a shy or re-
tiring member to nyllr > to bypass members who talk too
much, to get expert advice f rom a member known to be an
authority or to keep the ball rolling when the lead question
brings no response."

Not only the conference leader but every person who is

Getting Results from Group TMk 133

going to attend the conference needs to prepare in advance.
If he doesn't do any individual research, he should at feast
read the notice of the meeting and any material sent with it
and think about what he might contribute to the subject for
discussion.

Here's a case from business life in which those presenting
the proposition for discussion thought too much about the
subject matter and not enough about the people who were
going to consider it:

Officers in one department of a large company had de-
veloped a radically new plan for dealing with employees.
They developed this among themselves, developed k in de-
tail with an accompanying written argument and oiganiza-
rion charts that seemed to anticipate and completely answer
all objections that might be raised. They went into die con-
ference where they were to sell the plan to other depart-
ments with great confidence that k would be quickly ap-
proved.

Two of the proponents of the plan teamed up and made a
first-rate presentation in definite detail. Did the plan go
whooping through with unanimous approval? It did not.
First, the conferees agreed k was too important for quick
approval Then they proceeded to pick k to pieces. Action
was postponed indefinitely. Finally, months !atr, a con-
siderably different pbn was proposed by another depart-
ment, which had been so^rt enough to get the ideas of all
officers concerned in jprivafce oonveisatioa, and when that
plan came up k was apptoved and pet into effect

ij4 Talk Tb&t Gets Results

There are two main points apparent in this incident: ( i )
people want to have a part in the making of any plan that
affects them; (2) when we're going to bring up something
important for approval in conference it's not a bad idea to
calk it over personally with some or all of the conferees be-
fore the formal conference is held.

Thus far we have talked about conferences in business
organizations. But the same principles apply to conferences
dealing with educational matters, civic affairs, even family
confeimces.

The physical setup and other arrangements are important,
down to small details. For example, if ventilation or lighting
are inadequate some of the conferees may feel dopy, may
even go to sleep. Steel magazine for May 16, 1955, offers
these "Steps toward More Effective Conferences":

1. Provide best physical facilities available. Arrange
chairs and tables to enable conferees to face each other.
Place visual aids where they can be seen by all. Adjust
heating, lighting, ventilation. Supply plenty of ash trays
if smoking is permitted. Provide note paper and pencils.

2. Establish group parity. In a problem-solving con-
ference, the janitor ranks with the president.

3. Get off to an enthusiastic start. The conferences
will be easier to maintain. Conferences bogging down
at the beginning are difficult to shift into high.

4. Define the problem clearly and state the objec-
tives. Obviously this suggests preliminary work and
thought by management.

Getting Remits from Group T&lk 135

5. Outline procedure. Qudaw glorified bull sessions*

6. Encourage participation by aH conferees. Draw
out those who are timid* Control those who would
"hog" the conference.

7. Develop the facts surrounding the problem. Again
draw on the combined knowledge of conferees.

8. Summarize frequently. It helps to record sugges-
tions.

9. Seek all possible solutions. Brain-forming a prob-
lem may reap unexpected rewards.

10. Select the best possible solution. Preferably it
should be reached by consensus rather than by majority
vote.

1 1. Convert the decision into effective action. Nodi-
ing is more useless than the right solution that disap-
pears into a filmg cabinet or is quietly sabotaged by
these charged with putting it into effect.

1 2 . Communicate the decision and the method of put-
ting it into effect to all persons affected.

Steel also lists these "Ten Ways to Louse Up a Conference";

i. Schedule it for "about" That wifl wasce at least 15 min-
a certain time. utes. Late-<xmers wifl

wifl have tx> be biocigbt up to
date.

2. Don't give adequate no- Many of the people will be dated
tice. up wi& important customers,

wffl fearc to skip the meeting.

3. Keep the subject secret. It wil prevent participants from

136 Talk Thst Gets Results

4. Set no time limit.

5. Skip visual aids.

6. Permit sideline conver-
sations.

7. Let the leader be unpre-
pared.

8. Let the leader do all the
talking.

9. Talk solutions first, facts
later.

10. Pfermit telephone calls to
be transferred to the
meeting room.

It amid encourage the meeting
to run on and on.

An all-oral session will be more
conducive to dozing.

Three or four going on at once
insure failure of meeting, make
time wastage complete.

The meeting will bog down and
everyone may spend 3 hours to
accomplish what could have been
done in 30 minutes.

Nonparticipation insures bore-
dom of other members. Prevents
cross-f ertilization of ideas.

It makes selection of best possible
answer unlikely. It enables mem-
bers with pet nostrums to argue
for them without reference to
facts.

They will interrupt not only the
person called but everyone else.

One final story before we conclude this discussion of con-
ferences:

We once attended die annual meeting of a large farm co-
operative where important decisions were to be made, in-
cluding election of officers for tfcte following year. One man
was prominent in business as well as owner of several large
farms. He was well qualified to be president for the f ollow-
ing year and he very meet wanted to be paresident. In a talk

Getting Remits from Group Tdk 1 37

in the early part of the meeting he told of some occurrence
in his home, referring twice to "the maid.**

Well, most of the farmers present had no household serv-
ants. Those who did called them "hired girk" Most of the
members looked stonily ahead, "Maid." A few exchanged
knowing looks or winks.

The prominent, well-qualified member was not even no-
minated, much less elected. Why? Wasn't k probably be-
cause he did not talk their language? He had a different
status; or they thought he thought he did. On such small
faults in communication are many ambitions wrecked. One
ward imth connotations that belittle the other -feUow m&y
turn him agamst your~m a conference or personal conver-
sation.

Finally, it seems we may well conclude that people talk-
ing in groups are just people. They are motivated by their
own self-interests, will respond to what we may say pretty
much in accordance with how our talk appears to affect
their needs and desires. Let's thmk of the people before and
while we are talking with them.

What do we get rom tit chapter's stories and comments
about group talk? Would you say these points might be
reasonably deduced?

i. Desire for personal recognition strongly motivates peo-
ple fttifcing' in groups, just as k does in al phases of hu-
man activities*

i, We have tx> let people raBr, to get their gripes off their
chests, to express their opinions.

138 TMkTb&t Gets Remits

3. We have to listen to the other fellow if we expect him to
listen to us. We can't just "tell 'em" and expect full ac-
ceptance*

4. People want to have a "say" in the making of decisions or
plans that affect them. Without such a "say" it is seldom
possible to get full cooperation.

5. People resent change. They resent changing their habits,
and especially changing their attitudes.

6. Asking questions is one of the most effective methods of
conference leadingbut we have to listen to the answers.

7. By questions the conference leader can draw out natu-
rally shy conferees, diplomatically squelch the over-
talkers, and keep the conference on the beam.

8. Careful advance preparation makes a good conference.
This applies especially to the conference leader, but
every conferee should prepare so far as practicable.

9. Let's think of the people in the group as much as we do
the subject under discussion.

10. One word that belittles the other conferees may defeat
our purpose in a conference.

r i. To get results in a conference we have to talk in terms of
the needs, desires, and interests of the others in the group*

CHAPTER TWELVE

&ESIRE IS THE KEY

TO LEARNING

A young lad we knew was very good at Latin in highschooL
Thk, for most people, is not an easy language. But he had
never heard Latin referred to as a "dead language/* or in any
other interest-killing terms. His parents and grandparaats
had told him how Latin would help him and what an interest-
ing language it was.

So the boy came to be interested in Latin. It was the only
language he took. He liked k, wanted to learn it, and his
marks in Latin were good.

When he went to the university he found that modern
language was required for graduation* But this boy had got
the idea that everyone in the world was going to speak Eng-
lish and that knowledge of a modem foreign language was
quite uim^resary . His if e experkiKse up to Aen (see Figure
II, Chapter 2) had given him IK> personally important rea^
son wby he would proic from learning a modern language.

i^o Tslk Tim Gets Remits

However, since he had to take a modern language he tried
Spanish-and flunked it. He took it again and flunked it*
Then he went to war. When he came back from the war he
tried Freneh-and flunked it. By this time he had acquired
pknty of credits in other subjects to graduate, except for the
required language. So he finally got a high-powered tutor
who crammed die language down his throat, where it stayed
long enough for him to pass the examination. This young
man complained not only of the uselessness of the modern
language but of the dull character of the textbooks-about
third-grade-reader level that were used in the course. He
was bored with modern language.

The late Dr. Henry G link, vice-president of the Psycho-
logical Corporation, told of another boy, who stammered.
This difficulty in speech greatly handicapped him in some of
his studies in school. The boy's greatest ambition was to be
quarterback and call the signals on the school football team.
And he realized that ambition. He became the first-string
quarterback. He learned to call the signals clearly and welL

What do we make of these true stories? Does it not seem
that dzme is the key to learnmg?

In educational circles there has been a considerable amount
of criticism of the lecture-reciting system of teaching. Un-
der that system the teacher cites the information to the stu-
dent either in lectures or required reading. The student re-
cites it to the teacher. Quite routine. We are inclined to
agree with the critics of the reciting method that nothing
much sticks in the student's mind

Desire Is the Key to Learning 141

In fact, we would go further: From experience in in-
dustry we question whether one can te&cb a person anything.
It seems that the student has to be induced to lem% it. The
teacher can't inject the information through the apathetic
student's epidermis. The student has to be interested enough
to make the effort to learn.

When one gets beyond the reciting routine and really
learns something, it becomes a part of him. It affects his
dunking, his make-up. It may be said, when you learn some-
thing youll never be the same again.

There's an interesting sidelight on getting ideas across to
people in the history of advertising. It seems applicable t
teaching. Advertising at first was thought of as just getting
die name of the product before die pdblkx Make a big
noise, any kind of noise that will get attention f or your
product. Of course getting attention is die first considera-
tion in getting ideas across; but it is only the first st-ep to-
ward getting ideas accepted and acted upon.

The late Albert Lasker, principal of the Lord & Thorns
international advertising agency, used to teH the stx>ry of
how when a young f dBbw he pondered the question of what
advertising was. Business firms then, a half century ago,
bought space in newspaper smd Hiagazi^s to dfeplay the pic-
ture of die company's pkrtt or die company's f ounder,
luxuriant whikers and ali^ amd the name of tbe product and
its price. Later diey began to tril some facts about die prod-
uct.

Lasfeer first: caine to die conclusion dm "advertising is

142 TMk TtM Gets Results

news." He felt pretty sure he had something there. But
finally a man named John Kennedy looked Lasker np.

"Mr, Lasker," he said, "I can tell you what advertising is:
Advertising is salesmanship in print."

Lasker embraced this definition enthusiastically and
wholeheartedly. "Reason-why" copy was developed by
Lasker's pioneer copywriter, Claude Hopkins, With copy
based on incentive, Hopkins became rich and famous and so
did Lasker, on a larger scale, because they told what the
product would do for the prospective customer.

Well, you may ask, what has this to do with teaching or
learning? This, it seems to us: People have to have a motive
to learn as they have to have a motive for buying or any
other action. They have to feel there are reasons why they
will gain personally in some way or other from learning the
subject before them.

Learning involves thinking, a painful process for the aver-
age person; that is why so few people do any of it. Learning
requires effort, and we have to offer people rewards for mak-
ing the effort. The rewards have to be in terms of the learn-
er's desires and interests and in terms of the learner's life
experience (recall Qiapters 2 and 3). This requires on the
part of the teacher quite a lot of empathy, or ability to proj-
ect oneself into another person's consciousness and think
and feel as he thinks and f eels. Imagine the plight of a thirty-
eight-year-old woman teacher from New England trying
to get ideas over to a thirteen-year-old boy who grew up
among the cowpokes of Wyoming, having die problem of

Desire Is the Key to Legmi&g 143

projecting herself into die thinking and feeling of this lad.
In some degree every teacher has such a problem.

There is a great deal of talk in education and industry
aboot motivation, but apparently students are plunged intx>
one course after another and are required rather than in-
duced to learn subjects. The teachers in education and the
supervisors in industry seem simply to assume that because
the student or worker is there in the school or plant he is
eager to get the information they are offering. We doubt if
there is any substantial basis for this assumption* Few people
seem interested in "self-improvement"; that means, to most
people, extra hard work and sustained effort, things many
try to avoid. Tree it is that the desire to improve, to grow
and develop, represents a high aspiration of tie human race.
Yet all too often this desire lies dormant. The teacher needs
to arouse and activate this latent desbre, to overcome the re^
luctance that many if not most people feel when facing a
course of action that requires effort and perseverance. The
average pupil in school is interested primarily in recess and
playtime ; in college, in sports and parties. The average rank-
and-file worker is only mildly inteie&jed in training. Too
often he does not understand the "reason why" the learning
will benefit htm personally. He f eels the benefits, if any, will
come in the vague and 1300 distmt future. Students in school
and people in iatetry are Just people, most of them pri-
marily interest in getting what: they desire out of life
right now; not in swearibg tfaseir feains aow for vaguely
assapad future benefits. Incentives, easily seen mceedves,

144 Tatt Tb& Gets Results

are all too frequently lacking. Back of that, thoroughgoing
research into the subject of what motivates people is lacking.

There is reluctance on the part of some people to tackle
the subject of motivation because that involves a study and
understanding of human nature. "The great superstition of
the Mge is that humm nature is beyond scientific analysis"
said the late Dr. Henry C Link. We are inclined to agree.
Adequate scientific research and analysis are admittedly
lacking; but enough is known about how and why people
respond or fail to respond to return great benefits to those
who will study a little and be intently observant of people
in everyday life.

Mathematics has the dubious honor of being the least
popular subject in American public schools today. So said
the Educational Testing Service of Princeton, New Jersey,
after a study financed by the Carnegie Corporation.

Why?

They "just don't like the stuff", Time magazine for June
1 8, 1956, quoted the E.T.S, "They are afraid of it; they
don't see any point to it."

The E.T.S. reported that future teachers pass through the
elementary schools learning to detest mathematics, so avoid
it later and "return to the elementary school to teach a new
generation to detest it."

Motivation is obviously lacking here. That's unfortunate,
because mathematics is not only the essential form of com-
munication in such important professions as engineering but
is vital too in everyone's everyday life, Actually it is a fas-

Desire Is the Key to Learning 145

cinating subject, with philosophical import io the higher
levels to engage the interest of every thoughtful person.

But how are people to be motivated so they will want to
learn? Naturally one would say: Tell them how k will bene-
fit them personally,

For example, Dr. Charles E. Irwin of Michigan Statue Col-
lege, in discussing "Motivation in Listening Training 7 * in die
Journal of Covnmumcation for Summer, 1954, lists these rea-
sons why a person should learn to listen:

1. Let's be realistic. Much of the information I gee
through listening in school will be called for in periodic
examinations* A very real and immediate application of
good listening is, therefore, to pass these examinations.

2. 1 can broaden die base of my conversation. If I am
in a class of thirty people, I have the advantage of Bstm-
ing to twenty-nine human beings talk and discuss many
things f rom many diff emit points of view. My conver-
sational stature will improve. Maybe I can even impress
people as I am impressed by those who can talk easily
about a great many sub jects.

3. If I broaden the bse of my cx^wisatk^ Icaaio-
prove iny personality. Many studies of personality re-
veal rfygr a major faccac ia deteimtirifig lifeeableaess is

4. 1 might bear ssffietiiiJg that would help me deter-
mine a major 6M m*hzj$e my whole otitiook on how
I watt to invest my edtaeatiosnal opportunities. Many a
college sepf giw$ oeclit to something he heard in a
OT deei&g m bis dboice of a career.

46 Tslk Th&t Gets Results

5. 1 might benefit financially from things I listen to.
It is not uncommon to find those whose inventive genius
was challenged by some statement in a class lecture.
Neither is it uncommon to find students currently
working at some job described as needing to be filled.

6. 1 can certainly benefit socially from listening. I can
learn much acceptable social conduct, courtesy, tact,
diplomacy, etc. Many people who now feel comfort-
able in all kinds of social situations grew up on the other
sick of the tracks where they didn't know one fork
from another. Being a listening observer in varying
social situations helped them to get their bearings.

7. 1 can benefit culturally. Much of my living must be
vicarious, so I will live through others. Here, in the
midst of hundreds and even thousands of other stu-
dents, I can broaden myself by listening to their ex-
pressed experiences. I can learn about music from
music majors, about art from art majors, etc. What a
glorious opportunity I have to tune in on such a variety
of things.

8. 1 can improve my feeling of self-confidence. Much
of our nervousness as we attempt to talk is due to a per-
sonal knowledge that we have lived a rather narrow
existence. We know very little about too few things.
The more we learn about more things, the great confi-
dence we will have. Without confidence we will know
success in nothing. As one student put it: Don't get
mad at a guy who knows more than you do; it isn't his
fault.

9. Listening is a short-cut to knowledge. In several
weeks in one class where oral term reports are give,

Desire Is the Key to Le&rmng 147

each student can listen to the results of research which
would take years to accumulate if he bad to dig it all
out himself. In class lectures the student can listen to
the results of months or even years of experience and
study boiled down and concentrated for his edifica-
tion in just one short hour. Listening is not an easy way
to accumulate knowledge because good iBtening is hard
workbut it is a quick way.

Why should one listen? Why should one be inter-
ested? For himself. It must pay to remind the listener
of this.

To these excellent "reasons why" we would add another:
"Listening is the first step in persuasion; and I shall need
persuade people all my lif e.

The main point Is to tell die student or trainee how the
learning will benefit him personally. But there's more to it
than that, A dose associate, a writer, told us this experience:

From my parents I had acquired a great Interest la
literature. But when I was in high school I found than
subject very duIL The teachers taught k as if they were
required to do so, not because It was Interesting, They
would analyze and analyze, HI a routine way; take a
great poem that had stood the test of line and require
us to lookup eveiy refesrence ami break the poem down
until we lost all the music and beasty of ks soaring
words and rhythm. I lost interest in literature In sec-
ondary school and would never have regained k If k
were not for niy earfy cofidklofiiBg and my burning
desire to become a writer.

148 Talk That Gets Results

Later, at die university, I had the reverse experience.
A couple of semesters of elementary science were re-
quired, I wasn't interested in science then. Of the vari-
ous courses in science available I decided that zoology
was the least objectionable. So I registered for ele-
mentary zoology, expecting to be bored to death. But
I was lucky. The professor in charge of the course was
an old fellow with a skin like parchment and deep-
lined face, but age had not dimmed his enthusiasm. I
remember to this day how he'd smile, how his eyes
would sparkle as he sat by my desk while I dissected out
tbe nervous system of a pickled frog. His lectures to the
class would fire my mind. I learned a lot of things there
that have been useful to me in my writing. I had good
marks in Zoology i-A.

As has been so frequently remarked, enthusiasm is con-
tagious. Enthusiasm is a powerful motivating force. For-
tunate are those who are given enough to enable them to
learn. Some never learn to learn; never buckle down and
make the effort; write it and write it and write it; say it and
say k and say it; look and look and look. Some never note
how babies try and try and try, in spite of failure, until they
learn how to do each simple thing. One needs much enthu-
siastic desire to make this effort and to persevere in the face
of failure.

"They know enough who know how to learn," said
Henry Brooks Adams.

Of learning by failure, W. Grey Walter, author of The
Living Brainy says:

Desire Is the Key to L&mj$mg 149

. . .the essence of learning [is] by repetition wkh
each failure the mechanism alters so as to reduce die
tendency to hesitate or fail in that way again*

The first failure is the beginning of the first lesstm;
learning begins with failure. This is a hard saying f or
some people, though the authors of Genesis understood
in Learning presupposes failure ... the animal whkh
cannot learn by repeated experience . . . how to get its
food, how to avoid or overcome dangers does not SIIT-
vive.

Learning is tied up with habit, the habit of overcoming in
the face of failure. Of this, as related to success in everyday
life, the famous scientist Thomas Henry Huxley made tfai
observation:

"The most vafaiable remit of all education is the &MSty to
make y owself do the thing y ou faeoe to do, when it ougfet to
be done, 'whether you like it or not"

And what a vast feeling of satisf action you get from hav-
ing done that distasteful but necessary thing |>rompdy.
Each successive job gets easier. Success becomes a pleasant
habit.

Finally, should we not tear in mind that teaching and
training are aHKHig them

tion? Should they not be approached from Ae standpoint of
ev^ything we know about die process of commsink^tion

nature? This

should hdp tseadbeo as well as those taught.

la this f ast-moviig age when we are taking a hard, chal-
leepng loofe ^t A the sietfaods used im operating the me-

150 TaUtTbM Gets Remits

chanicsof oor dvilization, a good many people are beginning
to tafce a hard, challenging look at teaching. Not only how
we teach but what we teach.

It seems to as that the most important subjects of all,
human relations and human communication, are largely ig-
nored Conventional courses in psychology in the universi-
ties are not enough. Conventional courses in English are woe-
fully inadequate in teaching students how to understand and
communicate ideas, as we shall note in Chapter 1 3. To make
the subject of greater practical application it would seern
advisable that human relations and communications should
be taught in secondary schools and by the case method that
Harvard University's graduate business school and some
other institutions use: That is, to get people to learn by dis-
easing in groups, under professional guidance, human re-
lations situations that actually face them in everyday life.

Ah well, the day when that will be done is perhaps some
time o ff. In the meantime, it may help to consider these points
with relation to teaching and learning in school, in industry
and in the home:

1. We can't teach people anything. They have to be in-
duced to learn.

2. Desire is the key to learning.

3. Desire may be created by showing people how they will
benefit from learning. We shouldn't take it for granted
they understand the benefits.

4. la inducing people to learn we need to talk in terms of

Desire h the Key to Lemming 151

their personal desires and interests and their life experi-
ence.

5. TeU them the reasons why. It isn't enough to require
people to learn, even if we're in position of authority.

6. Teacher's enthusiasm is a strong motivating force with
students,

7. Learning begins with failure. We have to have strong,
enthusiastic desire to learn to carry us through the suc-
cessive failures.

8. The most helpful result we can gain from education is
the ability to make ourselves do what we have to do,
when it ought to be done whether we like k or not.

9. Teachers need a lot of empathydie ability to project
oneself into the other's thinking and feeling.

10. Communication in its practical application to everyday
life should be taught in school

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
"WRITING WITH A PURPOSE

I do not suggest that you learn how to write well in
order that you may be a professional writer but in order
that you may in all your dealings with the world have
the command of language, written and spoken, that is
the most effective of all means for meeting its challenge.

-Louis J. Halle, Jr.,

"Raw Materials of Persuasion/'

The Saturday Review,

March u, 19

The way to leam how to write is to write,

Reading helps make the writer.

You must be observant.

We shall come back to these suggestions later. But first
let's consider 'why we should learn to write.

Isn't it true that much of a person's success in business
or the professions depends on his ability to write clear, per-
suasive letters and reports? Likewise in his social life his let-
ters can and should help him win and hold friends. And you,

152

Writing with a Purpose 153

yonthf ul reader, who knows when yon are old and amous
you may want to write your memoiis!

Learning to write helps one to think. Writing is perhaps
the best test of whether one's thinking is clear. We may f eel
that we have an excellent statement of fact, explanation, or
argument on a given subject. But the real test is whether k
makes sense when we put it down on paper. Thus we avoid
fuzzy thinking, learn to think dearly and sharply. Most of
our success depends on how well we think and how well we
are able to get our ideas across to other people, Nothing, k
seems apparent, is more important.

Other important facts:

Writing is a permanent form of conHnimicatioo. It does
not blur or become diffused. There k is in black and wbke.
That's important. Oral agreements, for example* are not
likely to stand. But written agreements are enforceable at
law. In reading your writing, people can check back and
reread until they understand what you mean.

One piece of writing may go to several or many people.
In printed words to thousands* evm xolliofis. Writing k
more efficient tfo#n speaking in c^n^yiiFfffii^fft^g with large
numbers of people.

Written words oftm carry more migte titan spoken
wor

to the trouble to $& thorn down in writmg and because
people i^i^cwd^ biow tte a wimea ^^enrart has gone
through a certain test in Ae wriring of k. But we need to
m irakft^ sae the ioiie of voice OT gestmes that

1 54 Talk That Gets Results

modify the import of the spoken words are missing in writ-
ing.

Not die least of the practical reasons why one should learn
to write is that through writing a person gains a grasp of the
meaning of words. This has been shown to be the only skill
that is common to successful people. As Halle indicated at
the beginning of this chapter, mastery of language is the
most effective means of dealing with the world.

So much for the "why"; now let's turn to how to learn to
write:

First, the only <way you cm learn to write is to <write. You
can't learn writing from a book on writing, though you may
get some help or encouragement from what professional
writers say about writing. Sophocles* comment that "one
must learn by doing the thing" applies especially to writing.

The greatest difficulty beginning writers encounter is that
they often get tied up tight when they start, They are
bothered by their feeling of uncertainty about grammar,
syntax, split infinitives, "proper" use of words, and the rules
of writing in general, So the most practical suggestion is:
Just go ahead md write freely. Let it run. Don't worry about
the rules. Relax, be loose. Don't sit and stare at your type-
writer or bite your penciL Say what you have on your mind
in the most natural way. You can edit kter.

Don't worry if writing comes hard to you. Facile writers
seldom write anything worthwhile. Many people think
writing is a gift, an art with which certain lucky people are
naturally endowed; that it can't really be learned Pish and

Wrhmgiffltb& Purpose 155

nonsense. Purposeful writing can be learned by intensity of
our own effort, close observation of how effective writers
write (that means wide reading), and, above all, by constant
practice.

We have personally known writers who started out with
no noticeable talent but became successful prof essional writ-
ers. These men differed greatly in education, ways of think-
ing, and in other respects. What they had in common was a
burning desire to become writers. They were doggedly per-
sistent. As noted before, desire is the key to learning.

A kind of literary aura surrounds writing in the minds of
many people, So they shy off f rom k. Sorely there is genius
in writing. But it seems to be the sort of genius that comes
from "the infinite capacity for taking pains." Just as in other
skills.

Dr. Wendell Johnson, professor of speech pathology and
psychology at the State University of Iowa, attacked the
defeatist thought that many teachers of writing have. Sech
teachers hold that writing is a "gift"* you either have it or
you don't and that all the teacher can do is to "discover" a
writer and "influence" him. Says Dr. Johnson: "And this
pedagogical swooning by teachers of English, on the theory
that you can't make a silk perse out of a sow's ear, results in
their making a great many sow's ears out of silk purses." Dr.
Johnson -was talking about the development of professional
writers, but IMS thought apples in giratt measure to the aver-
age person who just wants to be able to put his thoughts

156 T4k Tb&t Gets Remits

cbwn on paper effectively for everyday business or social
purposes,

Wide reading is a must in the development of a writer.

We might divide reading into two classifications, and we
may well practice both:

Acqwsitive reading, for the purpose of acquiring informa-
tion as well as pleasure. Novels will give one an idea of how
oiier people live, love, hate, and straggle in different lands
and at various levels of society. In the novels that last we can
plainly see the basic human drives in operation. History and
biography, too. Books of philosophy, psychology, physical
science, and other "think books" will help a person acquire
ideas and information. Creative reading requires more effort
on die reader's fart. As he reads, the creative reader thinks
of the people he knows that are like those in the book or
matches his own ideas with those of the author. He doesn't
just sit and let his mind absorb and become sodden like a
sponge. He uses the author's writing to galvanize his brain
iato action so that it sparks along with the author's. He uses
the author's ideas as starting points for thinking beyond what
the author has written. That's the kind of reading best cal-
culated to develop one's mind and ability to write.

Oliver Wendell Holmes expressed the idea beautifully:
"The best of a book is not the thought which it contains, but
the thought which it suggests; just as the charm of music
dwells not in the tones but in the echoes of our hearts."

Finally, through reading we can live, concurrently with
our physical lives, other Eves in the mental or imaginative

Writing witJb& Purpose 157

spheies. Thus we can vastly add to our life experiences. And
this is of first importance, as discessed and diagramed m
Chapter 2.

Be observant.

First, in reading, observe intently how good writers and
great writers use words, how they use language, which Lyt-
ton Strachey called of all the creations of man the most
astonishing.

As in the case of most learning, one learns by imitation.
Let's not be afraid of imitation. Carlyle truly said, "He is
most original who adapts from the most sources." If we ap-
ply the principle of creative reading, do some independent
thinking as we read, we will be made ready foe originalky
in writing. This applies not only to content but also to style,
a matter we shall come to a little later.

Writing is done to be read by people. It is written to -
form, influence, entertain, or ainuse people. It should be done
then, should it not, in teams of their interests, desires, or
needs? It should hold an incentive for the reader, a reward
for the time and effort he pits into the reading.

So the writer needs to be keenly observant of people, la
special kinds of writing he needs to be keenly aware of die
motivating influences at work m iis special sort of leader or
readers, how these readeis hw been eoiidkiofifed by their
life ea|>erietiQes* as considered m Chapter i. We siiouldn't
wriee m a f amass fewyer the same way we would to aboy
scent Tbafs an extreme ift^a^tkm, but the fact remains
thar all too map^i' people fall iafco a fixed way of writing and

158 T&lkTb&t Gets Results

it regardless of who the prospective reader or readers
lazy habit that brings poor results. We need to think
b&rd shout ovr reader. Will he understand the words we
use? What are his interests, desires, and needs? What about
his prejudices? What connotations might the words we use
have for the reader?

By cooiiotations we are getting into the important matter
of semantics what words imply, beyond what they say.

One of the most effective letter editors we ever knew was
a man of poor education. He had to get someone else to
write the letters. But after that was done he'd study the
letter and invariably pick out the word or words having as-
sociations or implications that might antagonize or be dis-
tasteful to tie person addressed.

During die period of World War II a friend of ours, a
publicist, was writing an article for national circulation on
waniue transportation, featuring a company we shall call
the "XYZ Railroad." His opening sentence was, "The most
critical sector of America's wartime transportation is die
XYZ Railroad." A challenging, interest-getting statement,
he thought. But much to his surprise one of the railroad's
chief executives objected. He thought the word "critical"
meant or implied that the XYZ Railroad was being or should
be criticized, which was not the intent of the writer. It fi-
nally turned out that when "crucial" was substituted for
"critical" the executive was satisfied. The writer had used
"critical" as meaning "of decisive importance." ic OociaI"
means the same diing to most people, and the writer finally

Writing with & Pwrpose 1 59

agreed it was better in that it would avoid the disagreeable
implications hanging around the word "critical/*

Now we may think such as issue is just splitting hairs, but
out of a lifetime of experience, of learning by having some of
his words misunderstood, this publicist was glad to switch
to "crucial" despite the fact it seemed a less striking word
Big trouble may come from apparently small differences in
meaning of words.

Most people attach great importance to words. They are
well justified in doing so. The size of a person's stock of
words is an important indication of his education, habit of
observation, position in society, and his intelligence. We wll
do well to increase our stock of words by wide reading. Keep
a dictionary at hand, never letting an unknown word pass
without looking it up and writing down its definition, Or
use Norman Lewis's book, Word fower Made Easy (Don-
bleday & Company), Review your newly acquired wofds
f requendy. But there's a coosiderabk hazard in depeodfcg
too much on words and their dictionary definitions. Words
are slippery and keep cfaangii^ As before noted, tfaey have
no value or meaning in themselves but ooly as referents to
something or somebody,

When a word is used with another word in talking or writ-
ing, some of the fattens iBeanmg rabs off oe die original
word. Words change cote r meaning with the other words

wih idbtioe to the situation in which they are used.
t>a phase of evm greater importance, we

160 Talk Tb&t Gets Resvhs

to bwe & purpose in writing anything and <we ought to have
that purpose clearly in mind before toe begn to e write. Our
purpose may be to induce or compel a customer to pay an
overdue bill, to let our great-aunt know we think of her with
affection, or to write a piece the editor of a certain journal
may think will interest his particular audience.

You have to have something to say. -You can't write a
poem or any kind of literary work or business letter without
having the core, the essence of what you want to say, clearly
in mind.

Any writing worth a tinker's dam has to be written to get
a particular kind of reaction from the particular person or
persons addressed.

In talking about writer and reader we are talking about
people. Let's never forget that. And people are more inter-
ested in people than in anything else. So, if we want to get
and hold their attention while we tell our story, explain our
proposition or sell our idea, let's write or speak in terms of
people. Jesus, whose teachings had the greatest influence of
all on human affairs, used the parable to make his messages
clear. Stories about people, even mention of people, help
get and hold attention for what we say or write.

Here let's add a fervent amen to the hymns that are cur-
rently being sung in praise of the simple declarative sen-
tence. The simple declarative sentence is a thing of beauty
and a joy forever. It reflects a clean, clear-working mind that
sees the main point and goes straight for it a first qualifica-
tion for success in business or any other field. So this sug-

Writing 'with a Purpose 161

gestion: Avoid compound sentences and qualifying clauses.
One main or central thought to a sentence. Then use sepa-
rate folloiving sentences to cover secondary or modifying
thoughts.

Make the sentences short. Not over twenty-one words for
the average reader, according to Dr. Rudolph Flescfa, author
of The Art of Plain Talk. The shorter the better, say some.
Short words, too. Avoid what James Joyce called "all those
big words that make people unhappy." We know a profes-
sional writer who has made his own dictionary of one-syl-
lable words, and his sentences average around twelve words
in length. With short words and short sentences he turns out
colorful, exciting fiction.

A large advertising agency has this sign hanging on the
wall of every office:

THEY DON'T WANT TO READ IT

A good thing for every writer to bear in mind. Every
writer has the primary problem of getting and holding the
reader's interest.

Our experience and observation indicate that one of die
most effective ways of keeping our reader awake to what
we're saying is to avoid smooth, rhythmic sentences.

Such sentences lull people to deep. If we find we Ve used
one or two we'd better follow with a really rough, abrupt
one that wakes up our reader and rams the main point home.

Let's make our notms specific. Use active verbs that strike
a sharp note on the strings of the nervous system.

Now, if you say: **Wel, what about Henry James, Walter

162 Tdk That Gets Resuks

Pater, and Marcel Proust? Many literary people regard them
very highly, don't they?" In reply: "Yes. Certainly. Liter-
ary-minded people."

But don't get this wrong. There's a place for mood writ-
ing, for emotional writing, for literary writing, but it is not
the plain-talk writing we are chiefly concerned with here.
What most people think of as emotional writing seems all
too often to involve a complex of thoughts that fog up the
mind and mesmerize the reader. The effect may be pleasant,
but that may be about all you get out of it a pleasant feel-
ing. However, one cannot deny the power of emotional
writing. Think of Uncle Tom's Cabin, the book that stirred
the nation at the time of the Civil War. So we may note that
emotional writing has its place.

Stylish writing too has its place, and it's good in its place.
On the other hand, Harold Nicholson made a point about
such writing in discussing the elegance of the traditional
French diplomatic style. He said: "It is perhaps dangerous
for government officials to become too sensitive to the
charms of literary composition, since it may lead them and
their employers to suppose that an opinion neatly or beau-
tifully expressed must also be accurate and wise." (Harold
Nicholson's The Evolution of the Diplomatic Method, Con-
stable & Co., Ltd., London, being the Chichele Lectures de-
livered at the University of Oxford, November, 1953-)

In writing, concrete words are nearly always to be pre-
ferred to the abstract. But when use of concrete words is
urged the common tendency Is to assume that concrete

Writing toitb s fwpose 163

words mean colorless writing. But not so. On the contrary,
concrete words are the staff that poetry is made of. As to
that Professor Weller Embler of the Cooper Union, New
York, says in the journal ETC. for Winter, 1 955-195*$:

Sun, gold, queens, flame, dawn, heart, moon^ tears,
fields, mountains, the sea, gardens, lions, trees, home, the
sea, roses, stars, nightingales these veritables have been
the substance of poetry for a long time, sense experi-
ences used to express by proxy the thoughts and feel-
ings that are the imaginative life.

Now let's come back to the practical matter of getting
information or ideas across to people. One method is repeti-
tion. Listen to other people or yourself in ordinary conversa-
tion. Few sentences are complete. The talker interrupts him-
self to clarify or expand a thought. If he has a fairly well
organized mind he comes back to the main point he is getting
at, repeats it, and proceeds a bit further; then usually the
same process of interruption, clarification, and repetition is
gone through again.

Much the same thing obtains when the journalist is writing
a news story. By trial and error in the effort to get tie story
told fast (and it must be told fast, else the reader will shift
to something else) news writers have evolved a standard pro-
cedure: In the opening sentence, or at least in the opening
paragraph, they tefl the main point or points. Then they tell
die next most important fact, then die next most important,
and so on to the end, with elaboration of the opening point
woven m hone and there; and this involves a great deal of

164 Tdk Thai: Gets Remits

repetition in a long story. Admittedly this is not too logical,
but it has its value in the mechanical making up of the type
pages* If the story is too long to fit, the make-up editor
amply drops off enough paragraphs at the end to make it fit.
Naturally there have to be many exceptions to this rule for
news writing.

Modern business and report letter writing is somewhat
similar in that the main point is usually stated first and the
elaboration, involving some degree or other of repetition,
follows.

The public speaker seldom makes the most important
point in his address in the opening sentence or sentences. But
he does use a great deal of repetition sometimes deliberately
for emphasis, sometimes unconsciously, in his effort to make
sure his audience understands. Remember the saying of the
old-time preacher; "Tust I tells 'em what I'm gonna tell 'em.
Then I tells 'em. Then I tells 'em what I toF 'em!"

In the light of modern research's showing the value of
repetition, "redundant" has become a respectable word.
However, let's not overdo it; especially bearing in mind that
businessmen like the short letter, so long as it covers the sub-
ject.

So now to that kind of writing many of us are most con-
cerned with business letters and reports:

Before we write a word, we may well think hard about:
(i) what we want our letter or report to accomplish; (2)
what are the essential facts about die proposition we are to
deal with, and, (3) most important, we need to think hard

Writing with a Purpose 1 65

about the reader what are the reader's needs and desires as
related to the subject; what are his Interests, whims, preju-
dices, and habits; what sort of words will he understand;
what words might appeal to him or possibly antagonize him.
Again, recall the points made in Chapter 2, And if there is
going to be more than one reader, think hard about each one
of them.

Abraham Lincoln once said that whenever he was going
to have an argument with a man he spent one third of his
time thinking about what he was going to say and two thirds
thinking about what the other fellow might say. Of course
not all letters are controversial, by any means, but the main
point applies: Think bard about the other fellow.

Some may say that all sounds like preparation for writing
a sales letter. The answer to that is: Every letter is a sales
letter. Every letter has a purpose, even if it's just to give the
reader the idea that you're a good friend who's interested
enough in him to drop him a line. A letter whose purpose on
the face of it is merely to transmit information is also a sales
letter, since k is written to advance his or your interest in
some way, however remote. It's our notion that every one
of our letters is a sales letter, even if we are in the manufac-
turing department of some company, or even if the letter
is a purely social one.

Another suggestion: Make k easy for your reader.

Stick the subject of the letter right up there in the first
sei&eiice, so he'll know at once what it's about. Or even place

166 Talk That Gets Results

the subject above the first sentence. Maybe well want to
underline it, thus:

Dear Mr. Higgbs:
McLaughlin's shipment of April 12

Your letter April 17 gave us just the information we
needed Yon can tell Mr. Mclaughlin . . . , etc.

That's pretty obvious; but the fact is that many a business
letter wanders over several long paragraphs, trying to lay
a foundation or prepare the way for what the writer really
has to say. So that the busy reader's reaction is, "For the love
of Mike, what is this all about!" Or, "This fellow's proposi-
tion must be pretty weak to need all this build-up in ad-
vance." Suggestion is: Tell him quickly and precisely what
the letter is about. Let's not annoy the reader and set up an
eiBotibnal obstacle in the way of our proposition right at the
beginning.

Whenever a written message comes to the desk of a busi-
nessman he immediately asks himself what he should do
about it. So, tell him at once. Thus Higgins may have opened
his April j 7 letter with: "What is delaying the McLaughlin
shipment? Won't you go into this right away and let us
know," etc.

That is rather curt, of course, and sometimes such letters
have to be written. But generally a letter should be friendly
and courteous in tone. More so than in a face-to-face talk,
because the words on paper are not modified by the agree-
able tone of voice, facial expression, or gestures that are

common to personal conversation. Remember, if your reader
doesn't like you, he's not apt to like what you say.

Another thing that ought to come early in the letter:
Touch the reader's motives quickly; that is, tell him how he
and his organization will gain or profit by doing what you
are asking.

After such an opening, the body of the letter follows.
We'll have to make our decision, depending on the circum-
stances, as to whether we'll discuss the pros and cons and
finally make a recommendation, or whether we'll present
only the facts and comment that favor our proposition.
Often it is wise to let the reader know we have considered
the alternative courses of action. On the other hand, most
businessmen, especially executives receiving letters from
their assistants, want a firm, unequivocal recommendaticm
they can act upon. Usually, too, they want to know that
we have obtained the concurrence of the other men in our
organization who may be concerned with the matter. It's
important that we get tSat approval when our associates
are concerned and that we do our reader the favor of clear-
ing up all other matters that might leave htm uncertain as to
what action to take cm our letter.

Sounds like a lot of thought and effort? Sure does. Effec-
tive writing is not easy, Bet if die matter is of any consider-
able importance it will pay. It will pay not only in increas-
ing our chances of getting favorable action but in gaining
personal recognition as a clear thinker of sound judgment.

With aE that preparation and effort one may think, too,

1 68 Tdk Tbst Gets Results

that oor important fetters are going to be pretty long. Not
so, however. Much of our effort should go toward making
our letter concise as well as clear. Any muddlehead can
ramble on with long discursive letters, but it takes a good
man to cover an important or complicated subject quickly
and clearly.

Some letters and reports have to be long. In such cases
many businessmen and other writers have found it wise to
set out the more important points in numbered paragraphs
i, 2, 3, 4, etc., so the reader will miss none of them. This
method seems particularly effective in summarizing a long
letter at the close.

Another point of especial importance in matters that have
a legal angle was pointed out the other day by a lawyer. It is
this: Avoid writing anything of a doubtful or extraneous
nature in your letter. In that connection he told of a client
who came to him with the problem of ending a supposed
agreement under which the client had been making semian-
nual payments. The client had written the party of the sec-
ond port a letter, and our lawyer thought it was an excellent
letter. It said: "Effective now, I shall not pay you any more
money." Just that, and nothing more. This brought the mat-
ter to a head. The attorneys for both parties got together and
arranged a satisfactory compromise, one final payment in
fall settlement, ending a nebulous situation under which our
lawyer's client might have lost a lot of money over a period
of years. *

A business letter should be specific and complete. People

Writing with a Purpose 169

are annoyed when some phase is not definitely tied up, so
that they have to take the time and trouble to write back and
ask for further information. This applies even to such a
simple note as one having to do with a luncheon date: Don't
write, "I'll meet you at Beauchamps for lunch Thursday
noon," for that leaves uncertainty as to which one of the
Beauchamps chain of restaurants, the exact hour of meeting,
and even the date. Better say: "111 meet you at Beauchamps,
34th and Huntington, for lunch at 12:15 Thursday, Octo-
ber 20." No need to say "noon."

If you're writing a letter asking a man to change his mind,
to recede from the position he's taken, it's seldom effective to
make a frontal attack and drive him to the wall with facts,
figures, and rough argument. Most people resent having
others change their minds for them. If they're going to
change they want to do it of their own free will The third
of the basic drives discussed in Chapter 3 is always at work
the desire for personal recognition, respect, and prestige. So
in such a case it's usually well to use persuasive, suggestive,
inducing language. A lot of sound and fury will not neces-
sarily change a man's mind. But often a mild suggestion will.
And lefs be sure that we word the letter in such a way that
the reader cm change or reverse his position, gracefully,
without loss of face, without feeling he has been bested m a
battle ofwitts or ofs&itt.

Our problem is diff erent from that of a lawyer. The law-
yer doesn't mind offending or humiliating his opponent be-
cause his opponent k not going to decide the issue; a third

i ? o Talk That Gets Results

party, the judge, will make the decision. But we must per-
suade, bearing in mind our reader is not only the other party
to the argument but the judge as well.

In seeking to persuade, the approach is of first importance.
Read carefully what Louis J. Halle, Jr., said in a discussion
of the "Raw Materials of Persuasion" in The Saturday Re-
view of Literature for March 1 1 , i 950:

Jf you truly mem to persuade a mm you must have
bis good iwlL Your approach must be disarming so that
he does not assume an attitude of defense. You must
not seem to be opposing your conviction to his, chal-
lenging him to a contest in which his pride is at stake.
On the contrary, you must be friendly and show
respect for the quality of his mind, avoiding any impli-
cation of superiority on your part. To show off your
own wit is merely to discredit your wisdom.

With that in mind we offer you briefly three suggestions
as to persuasion:

1. Begin with what our reader already believes and lead
him gradually, step by step, to the new position we want him
to accept.

2. If it does not appear inappropriate^ ask him questions.
Get him involved with you.

3. Positive suggestion is more effective in changing or
influencing a person's course of action than is negative. If we
say "Don't do so and so/' that may just fix it in his mind and
lead him to do it. So after weVe given him the reasons why,

Writingicitb aPvrpose 171

let's end with a positive suggestion- This suggestion should
be clear and easy to understand.

In fact the entire letter should be clear and easy to under-
stand. We should avoid the jargon of our own particular
business or profession. Jargon is apt to be unintelligible to
the outsider and so dulled by overuse that it will not cut into
the mind of the insider. To be avoided, too, are the involved
terminology and tortured English that so many business and
financial analysts use.

Finally, let's be naturaL Write as nearly as practicable as
we would if we were talking with the reader. That's die
modern trend. People nowadays tend to think we and our
organization are pretty stuffy, old-f ashioned, or immature if
we use stiff, stilted old-time "business English." And, inci-
dentally, let's be careful about writing any of the high-toned
words we've used in this chapter, such as "uneqoivocal,"
"extraneous," and "nebulous." If the reader thinks we are
trying to impress him with such words, his reaction is rather
sure to be adverse.

If we've written a long letter, summarize the main point
at the end.

Then ask for specific action.

Always dose as cordially as circumstances permit.

Finally, closing out the discussion of letter writing, if you
are faced with an embarrassing, delicate, or touchy situation,
one in which the person may be prejudiced or suspicious of
your motives, you'd better not write a letter at alL Put on
your hat, go and see the man.

1 72 Talk Thot Gets Results

To summarize:

1. Knowing how to write helps win friends and business
success, and is a first aid to clear thinking.

2. Mastery of language is the most effective means of deal-
ing with the world.

3. The way to learn how to write is to write,

4. Don't worry about the rules. Be loose. Write freely.

5. Don't worry if writing comes hard. All good writing
comes hard. But it's well worth the effort.

6. Writing is not a "gift." Any fairly intelligent person can
become a competent writer.

7. Wide reading is a must in the development of a writer.

8. Be observant of good writers* methods and of people
and how they react.

9. Think hard about your reader.

TO. Be as careful of what your words imply as what they
may mean by dictionary definition,

1 i. Use die dictionary. Never let an unknown word get by
you. Write it down.

12. Have your purpose keenly in mind before you write.

13. All hail to the simple declarative sentence! Put only one
thought in a sentence* Use short words, short sentences.

14. Smooth, rhythmic writing is apt to lull readers to sleep.
If you have used several long smooth sentences, follow
with a short, abrupt one that rains the thought home.

1 5. Short words and sentences make it easy for your reader
to "get" the message quickly.

Writing 'with Pmpase 173

1 6. Choose concrete words rather than abstract.

1 7. Don't be afraid of repetition,

1 8. Every letter is a sales letter.

1 9. Avoid doubtful or unnecessary statements,

20. Write in terms of people. This arouses and holds interest,
makes the message clear.

21. In persuasion, (a) try to win the person's good will;
(b) begin with what the reader already believes; (c) get
him involved with you; and (d) make a positive sugges-
tion. Persuasion is more effective than frontal attack.

22. Avoid stilted, formal English.

23. In touchy situations, don't write; go and see the man.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

COMMUNICATION TROUBLES

IN BUSINESS ARE
PERSONAL AND EMOTIONAL

Communication between individuals and between
groups is, beyond all doubt, the outstanding defect that
civilization is facing today.

Elton Mayo,
Harvard University

In this chapter we shall consider the personal communica-
tion problems of individuals in business:

1. The top boss's dilemma in getting his ideas across to
employees.

2. The communication dilemma of the foreman or man in
between the top boss and the employees.

3. The problems of the rank-and-file employee as well as
of his immediate supervisor and the top brass in dealing with
the "grapevine."

Ccmmmication Troubles m Business Are Personal 175

4. How to talk to the boss.

5. How to get ideas across to customers and the pubEc.

But first let's listen to this imaginary, but typical, conver-
sation of two junior executives talking over the telephone
from their homes after work:

"What d'you hear from the top side?"

"About the extra three weeks? "

c *Yes. Vacation. The Old Boy must . . ."

"Vacation my eye. I hear * . ."

"Yeah?"

"The smart Hd said the doc said he said he has to take it
easy now."

"What doc?"

"Meacham."

"Meacham! Well . . . Hm-m-m . , "

"Oh well, you know , . ."

"I know. I know. Anytime you're over fifty. Still, yTcnow,
he never used to take any vacation at alL So no w, three weeks
extra . . "

WeE yes. Looks that way. D'you see how he walks down
the hall? I mean, so slow."

"Yeah. And when he dirnt^ into that big black Cad ... he
can hardly make it."

"And Meacham . . ."

"WdOt who do yon think . . . I mean, just in case?"

"Who's next in..."

"Fd say the Efficiency . _"

"No! Not that! The good Lord have mercy ..."

1 j6 Talk That Geti Remits

"On mine too. But actually he's all set for it, isn't he? He's
Number Two Boy on the big chart,"

"H'mmm. Fine thing."

"Yeah. Oh Yeah, Still, die Old Boy hasn't conked yet."

"Yeah."

"Well, anyway it makes yon think. We gripe a lot about
the Old Boy but he looks pretty good now, huh? I mean by
comparison."

"HI say."

"If the Efficiency Boy is up, who'll get his .. ."

"J. T. M. I think he'd get his job."

"Well, that'd be all right, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah. That'd be okay. But how us and the Number Two
Boy..."

"Well, if the worst comes to the worst, you can al-
ways . . ."

"I know, I can always cut my throat."

"Oh well, that's life. If you hear anything let me know,"

"Okay. You too. In the meantime . . ."

"So long. You might buzz the kid again."

"Okay.I'U see him."

So the grapevine starts, and no vine in the wet, fetid
tropics grows so fast. All down the line they will be buzzing,
and each employee will be trying to figure how the possi-
bility of die fcop man's dropping out will affect him. The
grapevine: The unofficial and often most potent communi-
cation line in any large or fairly large organizationbusiness
or otherwise.

Communication Troubles m Business Are Personal 177

Surely they will all be trying to figure out what's going to
happen and how it will affect them each one individually.
People take events and gossip personally.

The conversation we have cited at the beginning of this
chapter is an imaginary talk; but it is typical. And perhaps it
is a fair example of how people get their ideas and feelings
across to other people in conversation. Notice the shorthand-
like partial sentences; the innuendoes, the jumps to conclu-
sions, the meaningless words and repetition that fill spaces
in between significant comment and give the speaker and the
hearer a moment to think,

Now, and die grapevine is a factor in this, let us consider
the business manager's key problem of getting information
and his ideas across to his working force. We say "key prob-
lem" because business management is not the management
of machines but is the motivation of men through com-
munication. Says Dr. Mason Haire, prof essor of psychology,
University of California, in his Psychology in Management:

The job of management is seldom to keep people
doing exactly as they are doing. Usually we either want
a group of people to start doing something they aren't
doing now, or to stop doing something that they are
doing. Almost always^ the big problems come in cfaang-
113^ behavior,*,.

Dr. Haire goes on to discuss liow behavior may be and is
changed He refeis to a principle of learning which psy-
chologists call the "Law of Effect." It means simply, he says,
bdfctavioc than seesis to lead to rewards tends to be re-

178 Talk That Gets Results

peated, while behavior that seems not to lead to reward or
seems to lead to punishment tends not to be repeated. Note
the word seems. Dn Haire notes:

Whether he is conscious of it or not, the superior is
bound to be shaping the behavior of his subordinates
by the way in which he utilizes the rewards that are at
his disposal, and he will inevitably modify the behavior
patterns of his work group thereby.

The boss's attitudes and what he does are more important
than any training program. How this works out Dr. Haire
illustrates as follows:

One often hears members of bank managements com-
plain that their tellers are not sufficiently zealous in
building good customer contact. They wish the teller
would realize that the bank's continued success depends
on the customer, and make him feel welcome and well
treated. Too often, they say, when a customer ap-
proaches the window the teller gives the impression that
he has been interrupted in an important job (if, in-
deed, the customer hasn't been made to wait while the
teller finishes adding his column of figures) and that the
customer will throw his column of figures out of bal-
ance by making a transaction. Why does this kind of
thing happen? The members of management might well
ask themselves whether they have trained the tellers to
do just this and if so if this is die -way they should be
trained. The teller has found all his rewards in the past
for careful balancing of the books, and his punishments
for failures in this line. He has probably never been re-
warded or punished for his treatment of customers.

Comtmmication Troubles in Business Are Personal 1 79

Under these circumstances an understanding of die
Law of Effect will let us predict certainly what will
happen. Those behaviors which seem to lead to reward
(balancing the books) will tend to be repeated; those
behaviors which seem not to lead to rewards (dealing
with customers well) will tend to be eliminated, Hie
bank will suffer. Because of the overriding nature of the
problem of control within banks, they have often
slipped inadvertently into a policy which they would
never make explicit: balancing the books is the only
important thing. From this implicit policy has flowed
a daily training which has taught the teller how to
behave; balance the books at all costs; anything which
interrupts that task is a liability, There has never been
a real decision to train die tellers that way, but the silent
focusing on the problem of control has put it into die
actions of every level of management, and because die
subordinates are subject to the operation of the Law of
Effect, it works as a training policy.

Communication in industry is too often thought of as mass
communication, messages broadcast to a vague sort of mass
of people. The important thing is how it is received by each
individual employee; and we can be quite sure it will be
received and considered in a very personal way, often in an
emotional way, by each individual.

There's a common belief in business management that all
that's necessary to get management* s message accepted is to
communicate that message dearly and logically. This belief
is held not only by top executives dealing with customers,
the public, and employees, but by officers and supervisors

1 80 Talk That Gets Results

down to first-level foremen and head clerks in dealing with
their fellow employees.

Unfortunately it frequently does not work out that way.
What seems clear as crystal and reasonable to the boss may
not be clear or reasonable to those whom he supervises. More
important, even if the rank-and-file mm understands the
message he may not accept it. He may not accept it and act
on it even though it seems to the boss to be quite obviously
to the advantage of the employee to do so.

Why? The question is the key question, and the answer
is not simple. Search for the answer to this illogical behavior
leads out into all the ramifications of human nature and hu-
man relationships discussed throughout this book and par-
ticularly in Chapters 2 and 3, and as diagramed in Chapter 2.

Let's suppose that a message has come down from the top-
most level saying the organization's safety record is poor by
comparison with that of similar organizations. The message
cites the figures to prove it. The main factor in achieving a
good safety* record, the message goes on, is observance of
safety rules by the individual man. There are especially bad
reports in eye injuries and injuries to feet. Apparently the
man have become careless about wearing their protective
goggles and safety shoes. We have a fine body of men who
are skilled in their trades, the message continues. Safety is
important to the men and their families and fellow employees
as well as the company. Supervisors all down the line should
discuss this important matter personally with their people

Communication Troubles in "Business Are Personal 1 8 1

with the Idea of immediately improving the safety records
in their parts of the organization.

It's a clear message giving due recognition to the em-
ployees for their otherwise good work, appealing to their
self-interest. The big boss who put out the message knows,
too, that the supervisor is the key man in getting the desired
response from the message. He knows that from his own
personal experience when he was a first-line supervisor and
furthermore he has seen enough surveys to demonstrate be-
yond any doubt that die immediate supervisor is the man to
get a practical result.

Well, let's assume that, as instructed, Jim Hazlett, a fore-
man, calls his men together in the machine-tooling depart-
ment. Among them is Bill Brown, whom we shall regard as
an average employee for the purpose of this story. Hazlett
reads the message aloud, stumbling over some of the words,
which amuses Brown, who doesn't particularly like Hazlett.

"Our record is one of the poorest in the shops," Hazlett
tells the men. "The finger is on you and it's on me. If you
have a reportable accident it's a mark against you^ and don't
you forget it. And you'd better not let me catch any of you
not wearing your safety glasses and shoes.

"Any questions?"

There was some aimless discussion; nobody disagreed with
die message, nobody stock hi neck out. And then the men
filed out.

tr What'dyuh diink of the meeting?" someone asked.

"Saine old stuff," soineofie else repEed. "My neighbor's

1 8z Talk That Gets Results

wife told my wife, over the back fence only last week, that
Jim, that's her husband, who works for an outfit like ours,
said he's got it straight that these big companies own these
companies that make safety shoes and stuff like that. Sure
they want us to wear 'em. They make money out of it."

"Well, I guess you remember last month when Hazlett's
boy was arrested for speeding. He better take a look at his
own.. .,

So some of the men popped off. But Bill Brown kept his
mouth shut. He knew about that little rat who was always
whispering to Hazlett.

But deep down in Bill there rankled the memory of a meet-
ing they'd had two years ago with Hazlett about safety.
He'd never forget that.

"Mr. Hazlett," Bill had said at the meeting, "with all this
talk about safety, why don't you get this place lit up better?
Why don't we have some of those new lights that are like
daylight? If we could see everything clear we wouldn't
stumble over tools the fellows leave laying around. Why not
get a lighting engineer in here? I was reading about lights and
safety in Practical Mechanics. . . ." And so on. Bill had had
quite a plan.

"Look, Bill," Hazlett had replied, "you leave that sort of
stuff for the bosses up in the Big Glass House. They've got
a lot of high-priced experts up there to figure out things like
that. You just relax and be damn sure you wear your safety
glasses and shoes."

Everybody laughed at Bill Most of than had been humili-

Conmzmication Troubles in Business Are Personal 183

ated like that by Hazlett* You were pretty dumb if you went
to Hazlett with a big new idea for improving things. Bill
would never forget how Hazlett had made him a laughing-
stock. The hell with Hazlett, he thought. I hope his safety
record is lousy this year and that the super burns his tail off.

Some of the other men were sore at Hazlett because the
month before he had turned down their request for exten-
sion of the hot-water line into the men's washroom. Hazlett
had told them there was nothing like good cold water. He
said he used cold water to shave with. The men didn't like
Hazlett, so weren't inclined to like what he said

Well, it looks as if we Ve made Hazlett look like a pretty
poor boss, doesn't it? But, if we only knew, Hazlett had rea-
son to slap down the ears of the men who came to him with
brave new plans. It had so happened that Hazlett had had the
same idea about lighting that Bill had only he'd had k a year
or two earlier. He had taken k up with the superintendent
of the shops. Now the superintendent was pretty close to
top management. He had been summarily turned down on a
number of occasions. The super had gone through the de-
pression with the company, when there simply wasn't any
money available for improvements, and through the war,
when materials weren't available. He'd learned to play k
pretty cool where capital expenditures were concerned. So
the super had turned Hazlett down flat, much as Hazlett
turned down Ml BrowB. Hazlett was amply reflecting to
his men the attitude be had got from his boss.

So, as to the latest safety message, die men were just a little

184 Talk That Gets Results

more careful for a while not to get caught when they were
careless about observing safety rules. But, over all, their
safety record didn't improve. Why?

Fiist, as communication specialists in industry know, a
manager can't get his message understood, accepted, and
acted upon as desired simply by telling his people clearly and
logically what to do and why it's to their advantage to do it.
There has to be some talk back, questions and discussion so
as to make sure the men undertsand it, and, more important,
so that the men will feel they are part of the plan. As one
authority warns: "Don't tell 'em until you ask 'em." People
need to participate, to have a "say" about pirns that affect
them.

But here in the case of Bill Brown and foreman Hadett
there was only one-way communication. Only the manage-
ment had a "say."

All sorts of personal animosities, prejudices, and emotional
tensions develop in business. People have a fundamental de-
sire for personal recognition and respect at all levels of busi-
ness and industry. And it may be noted that in business and
industrial relationships, if people don't like you they <worft
like what you say.

Important in many communication problems in business
is the "ego factor," says Thomas R. Nilsen, department of
speech, University of Washington, Seattle. This, he says, is
the deep-seated need of individuals for recognition, a sense
of dignity, and a feeling of status. This need, he continues, is
thwarted when employees are not given enough informa-

Communication Troubles m Business Are Personal 185

tion, not treated with courtesy, not told "why," axe given
arbitrary orders, are hurried, or their suggestions are not
listened to seriously. All such feelings tend to hinder com-
munication and slow down production. "Thirty per cent of
manpower loss can be traced to psychiatric difficulties," says
Alan McLean, M.C., in Personnel Journal for February,

1955-

The immediate supervisor is the key man in the company
to any employee. If the supervisor doesn't treat the employee
and his ideas with respect, the employee will likely have little
respect for the ideas the supervisor or the company puts out.
The lowliest employee's craving for personal recognition
and prestige is just as poignant as that of the general man-
ager or the president of the organization. The principle ap-
plies all up the line, so that the flow of communication may
be broken at any level Good morale is essential to good com-
munication. Also, good communication is essential to good
morale. The two are interdependent. Lack of communica-
tion or faulty communication methods may cause poor
morale. Poor morale, in turn, may block communication.
Morale and communication are of first importance. Effective
performance depends in large measure on them.

So the supervisor ought to be courteous to the people he
supervises. Tree, and important. But, as we've noted before,
there are always exceptions; and it takes a good man to know
when to make an exception to a general rule. Take this case:

During World War II a contractor had to supplement his
work force witfe a number of boys, because of the shortage of

1 86 Talk That Gets Results

manpower. These boys were from a university town; they
had never worked in industry. Among them was a boy
whom we shall call Bill Davis.

When they came on the job the first morning, Walt, the
foreman, took them to the spot where they were to handle
cement. There was a little delay. The boys stood around.
Finally Bill went over to a bench and sat down. When Walt
saw Bill sitting down he said to Bill, "Hey, you. Get your big
fat posterior off that bench and go to work."

So Bill up and quit, you think? Oh no! Bill got up and
went to work. He happened to be the exceptional type that
doesn't resent rough talk. After this bad start Bill and Walt
got along fine and eventually became personal friends. Walt
was interested in the boys (and this vital matter of interest
as related to morale will come up kter in this chapter) . Walt
saw to it that the older men didn't impose on the boys: for
example, that the men didn't fill the ice box so full of beer
the kids couldn't keep their milk and food there, and so on.

Consciously or unconsciously, employees will often try
out the boss to see what they can get away with. So then the
boss has to be firm and not mince words. But he also must be
fair. And generally he'll get more work out of his employees
if he shows his interest in them.

More important than the formal systems of communica-
tion that some companies have set up are the day-to-day
questions and comment between the employee and the super-
visor. This means the supervisor must be well informed and
must have a good feeling about die company and a good

Communication Troubles in Business Are Personal 1 87

feeling about his men. Unfortunately the supervisor's feeling
is often principally a feeling of uncertainty; he doesn't feel
he's one of the regular run of employees, nor does he feel
that he is a part of management. So often he covers up with
bluster and hard talk; and that's not good for the morale of
hisownmen.

Another thing may be noted in the story of Brown and
Hazlett: As most everyone in business knows, the formal
channels of communication are not necessarily the biggest
source of informationor misinformation. Every large or-
ganization's system of communication is to a great or less
extent stopped up or distorted by gossip, scuttlebutt, and
idle speculation. This appears to be true not only in business
organizations but in government, the military, in schools and
universities, social clubs, even churches.

How control the grapevine Robert Hershey, in an article
entitled "Heed Rumors for Their Meaning," Personnel
Journal (Swarthmore, Pennsylvania), January, 1956, says:

Although the personnel director can never prevent
rumors from starting, there are several tested ways
which help to control and reduce tie harmful effects
of rumoring:

Keep the normal channels of communication open-
rumors are found in the absence of reliable information.

Don't use public address system to debunk a rumor;
this method seems to make the rumor better remem-
bered than the refutation.

The best way to debunk a rumor is to present fact

1 88 Tdk That Gets Results

upon fact about the topic, rather than to try to disprove
the logic of the rumor.

Prevent idleness and monotony in the work force
wherever possible.

Campaign against rumors and ridicule ruinor-mon-
gering.

Educate your supervisors in the dynamics of rumor.

Distract people's attention from the rumor area.

An official denial alone will never debunk a rumor.

And the most effective: Interpret the rumor as a
psychiatrist would interpret a symptom. Ask yourself,
iC What anxiety or attitude does this rumor reflect?"
Then, try to relieve the tension by correcting the situa-
tion which caused it.

Here we may note that men in all phases of industry, even
the most highly specialized, face acute and vital communica-
tion problems. Take accountants, for example. In the course
of a comprehensive analysis, "Communication: The Mystery
of Management," in The Controller Magazine for January,
X 95^ Joseph B. Pope, well-known consultant, said with
much insight:

Failure to communicate is not a matter of vocabu-
lary but of emotion. If we penetrate deep enough, we
find fear, suspicion or jealousy hiding the meaning of
the words used. . . ,

We are ever seeking for the underlying purpose-
and often with suspicion: Now why should he do that?
What is he really trying to find out? Why should he
say that? These thoughts are efforts to "read between
the lines/'

Cofmrnmlcatlon Troubles m Business Are Personal 1 89

It seems apparent that emotional considerations, bo*w peo-
ple feel, are most important in getting information and ideas
across to people and favorably acted upon.

Emotions may and all too often do close the person's mind
so that facts and factual "reason why" do not get through to
that part of the person's mind that makes decisions as to what
action will be taken. So, as a first consideration, it would
seem wise for us to make sure that the emotional atmosphere
surrounding what we have to say is favorable.

Face-to-face talk is most effective in getting ideas across
in business. But house organs, bulletins, movies, and like
medias of mass communication are important, too. The im-
portant thing may not always be the actual information or
ideas transmitted, but rather die favorable emotional reac-
tion from the fact that management has spent a lot of time,
effort, and money in telling the members of the organization
what's going on, what 7 s planned, how it will affect the peo-
ple. Especially is this true if printed messages are reinforced
with face-to-face talk.

Many years ago a railroad telegrapher-agent at a remote
point we'll call River Bend received a message from divi-
sional faead<juarters, '^Position of telegrapher-agent at River
Bend is abolished, effective Dec. 15." His job done away
with when Jobs were hard to get; what about his wife and
three kids with die holidays coming on? Ten days went by
before the man got word he was merely being transferred to
another place; just: as good a job and a better place to live.

190 Talk That Gets Results

But the agent never forgot how he'd been kept in a state of
acute anxiety for ten days and nights.

Another story, with the reverse side: A new top officer
was coming on the job at a big shop. Not infrequently in past
years, when business slacked or unexpected demands were
made of the budget, a lot of the men had been laid off right
at die year-end holiday time. The new boss called all the men
together. '"We're going to work out a plan to prevent these
year-end layoffs, or at very least to cut them to a minimum,"
he said. "Our aim is to provide steady work the year round."
The men cheered, but some other officers shook their heads:
How could he guarantee that? It was a lot bolder statement
than they would make. But it worked out. The work was
spread and thorough forecasts of business volume kept re-
adjustment of forces negligible. You don't need to ask if the
new boss was popular.

At the beginning of introduction of new automatic ma-
chines in a large organization a message to all employees was
issued by the president. The heading: "How Will Auto-
mation Affect Your Job?" The message said forthrighdy
that the new machines were laborsaving devices. Eventually
not so many men would be needed at all the plants, not un-
less business increased substantially. But the older men with
seniority would be retained at their present locations. Some
of the others would be transferred. A relatively few of the
younger men in a limited number of trades would be laid
off. Not all at once, but over a period of a year or more.
They would retain their seniority rights, and so on. This was

Communication Troubles m Business Are Personal 191

regretted, but progress always brought readjustment. In the
long run the increase in efficiency to be brought about by the
new machines would make for more security and better op-
portunity for the peopk of the company. This frank official
statement was explained and discussed in small meetings by
the general superintendent himself and, business continuing
good, the readjustment of forces was made without much
hardship or hard feelings.

The point is: People like to kno*w and are entitled to know
m advance about changes that imll affect them.

A great deal of money and effort is being spent on ex-
plaining the American economic system to the people of
industry. Much of this is wasted because of the misappre-
hension that people are interested in economic principles.
What they're concerned about, being people, is their own
very personal interests, their homes, their wives, and their
bosses. Surveys indicate that employ ees at all levels talk more
about their wives and their bosses than about any other per-
sons. The free-enterprise issue will ultimately be deckled by
how it affects die personal interests of a majority of the
people.

This chapter's discussion of communication in industry
is not unlike a good many of the current conf erences on this
subject being held throughout the United States. The impli-
cation of these conferences is that business management is
to Maine for tfae faulty communication that exists. Let's look
at this briefly f rom the standpoint of the business manager.

Ralph D. P^ine, publisher of Fortune, a magazine that

192 Talk That Gets Results

helped bring the subject of communication before U.S. in-
dustry and then proceeded typically to debunk a lot of the
talk, made these points, among others, in the closing discus-
sion of a conference of business and academic people:

Admittedly, communication is vital to our American way
of doing business.

Actually, communication in American industry must be
good; else how could industry have achieved such tremen-
dous results? Why then talk about communication in busi-
ness? Well, let's say it's good, but not that good.

Let the American businessman tell the story he knows
best, the story of his own particular business, and not waste
his time talking high-flown generalities and vague economic
theory.

Why all this human relations effort to achieve unanimity?
Conflict is life.

Paine looked down his nose at the idea that a business
executive should want to be loved, or that employees need
to be loved. He thought " wanted' * was a better word.

This leads to the matter of the bosses' interest as related to
morale and productivity. The final conclusion from the
famous experiments of Mayo and Roethlisberger at Western
Electric's Hawthorn plant still stand. The experiment, you
may recall, was substantially this: The lighting, in the room
where a special group of employees worked was increased
Production went up. The group was given better hours. The
production went up. Other benefits were added; in each case
production went up. Then one of the benefits was removed.

C&nmnmication Troubles m Business Are Personal 193

Amazingly, production went up again. The results looked
inconclusive at first, but it finally developed that the thing
which really put production up was the special interest
shown in these employees pretty much regardless of the
form the interest took.

Show of interest improves morale. Maybe esprit de corps
would be a better term than morale? Anyway, it seems clear
that when management shows interest in the employees,
their interest in the company's work increases.

D. J. Russell, president of the Southern Pacific Company,
is another business leader who, recognizing the importance
of the communication problem, believes its consideration
should be kept down-to-earth.

"There's no great difficulty in putting out good clear mes-
sages to employees. The problem is to have them believed
and accepted," Russell says. "Best way to create an atmos-
phere favorable to such acceptance is for everybody in man-
agement to be fair in dealing with employees. Action speaks
louder than words."

After many years the things that are really important to
individual advancement are getting some recognition in aca-
demic education, in industry, and in national journals. One
bit of this recognition was Time magazine's double-page
editorial "Human Relations A New Art of Revolutioniz-
ing Industry" in 1953. This article pointed out that Ameri-
ca's system of mass production, and along with it the time
and motion studies Frederick Winslow Taylor pioneered,
will not work effectively without reasonably good human

relationships, Human relations is a touchy subject to deal
with in business. Many business leaders in the past have shied
away from it because they well know they must establish
and maintain a personal reputation for being "practical,"
rather than theorists or soft humanitarians. But gradually it
is being realized that learning how to get along with people,
how to get ideas understood and accepted in today's busi-
ness complex is so important that, as a practical matter, peo-
ple should be trained in communication and human relations
as essential skills in business management. These skills can-
not be left to chance in gaining business experience.

So a lot of advice is being offered business managers on
how to talk and deal with employees. On the other hand a
generally neglected field is attacked by Alex Bevelas, of Bell
Laboratories, in an article, "How to Talk with the Boss."
This article, published by Harper's Magazine in July, 1950,
was adapted from Alex Bevelas's book Talking Upward

Bevelas offers a typical imaginary conversation:

* < Sfaould we be doing anything about economic education
in the plant? " the senior executive asks a junior.

"I don't think so, sir," is likely to be an unfortunate an-
swer. It is unwise to respond to a participative "we" question
from the boss with an outright negative. Such a negative ends
the conversation or makes a direct cleavage between die
senior executive and his subordinate.

Suppose, on the other hand, the junior executive responds,
"I think we should, sir." This may be objectionable, too, as

Communication Troubles in Business Are Persomd 195

indicating the junior thinks it is all too evident the senior
executive should have done something about this matter a
long time ago.

"Economic education, sir?" is not a good response either,
Bevelas thinks, as it may embarrass the boss by putting htm
up against the necessity of explaining what economic edu-
cation in a plant is when the senior may be pretty vague cm
the point.

Suppose then the junior responds, 'Well, sir, I rfrtnlr it
depends upon the basic orientation of the program that is
used and upon the techniques with which it is executed in
each specific plant situation. I have been studying the results
obtained in the use of the PROPOG plan of economic education
and industrial citizenship in nonunionized plants. These data
suggest. . . "

Will the senior executive be impressed? Comments Beve-
las, "This sort of thing makes any dignified coantjerrespoose
impossible."

Well, what then is a good response from junior?

This is better: "I think the idea is very interesting; I guess
I ought to know more about it, sir." It's better, Bevelas says,
because it leaves the conversation open with the senior in fall
control, displays interest and willingness to learn.

A show of genuine interest is of first importance. It's more
likely to impress the boss more favorably than show of tech-
nical knowledge.

In talking with the boss, "technical stupidity may often be
organizationally absorbed with scarcely noticeable effect,"

1 96 Talk That Gets Results

Bevelas comments, "while social stupidity has unpredictable
results and generally unpleasant consequences."

Our conclusions from Bevelas's piece: Don't embarrass the
boss. Remember basic drive number three for personal rec-
ognition-mentioned in Chapter 3. Cultivate a keen sensi-
tivity to his boss-position. Best response is an evidence of
genuine interest; be sure it's sincere.

Bosses differ, of course, and some of them like to be talked
to forthrightly by their subordinates. It depends on the re-
lationship. Returning to the question asked by the senior
executive, some bosses, for example, might admire some such
reply as, "Economic education in industry is the nuts. I hope
you're not thinking of wasting a lot of time and money on
that sort of folderol." But we'd better be pretty sure our
particular boss likes that kind of talk before we use it with
him. If the boss thinks it reflects on his personal prestige as
boss the results are likely to be, as Bevelas so gently says, "un-
predictable."

Finally, if we always talk with the boss in terms of how
what we propose will make his efforts more effective, we will
never make a mistake. That rule applies to the touchy mat-
ter of suggesting that he raise our salary. We ought to think
hard about the boss, not only about his business responsi-
bilities but about all his personal interests and prejudices.
Treat him with a lot of consideration. He's apt to need and
deserve it more than we think.

But all that is preliminary to saying that if we expect to get
ahead we'd better bear in mind that only people with cour-
age and guts get very far in business and industry. Each of

Communication Troubles m Eusmess Are Personal 1 97

us has to take care of his own personal interests. The time
inevitably comes when we have to disagree with the boss,
Then let's disagree as agreeably as possible. But lay it right
out on the line and don't fiddle-faddle around about It; nor
make long preparing-the-way prefaces to what we have to
say; that only arouses the boss's suspicion and antagonism.
First make the recommendation as to what ought to be done.
Then follow immediately with the reasons why.

In the external relationships of business, with customers
and the public, people take things personally, just as em-
ployees do. The desire for personal consideration, a funda-
mental human desire, operates.

Take Frank Holcomb as an example. Frank's main inter-
est in life, aside from his wife and kids, is fishing. He waits
in eager anticipation for the opening of trout season. First
weekend of the season Frank drives 1 50 miles to his favorite
trout stream. He's out at daybreak What does he find? The
hydroelectric company has turned loose a flood of water
from its dam, muddied the stream, and made fishing impos-
sible.

Frank is wild. "The stupid, inconsiderate buzzards," he
storms. He rails against the company for weeks, even
months. And when he read in the paper that the company
has filed an application for a rate increase to meet mounting
costs he gets up a petition of protest, gets a lot of friends to
sign it, and sends it to the public utility commission, with
copies to the newspapers.

Then consider the trouble of Mrs. James Burns, customer
of a department store.

1 98 Talk That Gets Results

Mrs. Bums can hardly wait until her husband gets home
from work to tell him she closed out her account at Mum-
son's. "I asked for size six but the careless clerk gave me size
eight. The girl at the exchange desk kept me waiting for
twenty minutes and then was sarcastic. Can you imagine? I
was the one who should've been sarcastic. I'll never trade
there again."

Mrs. Burns had liked to trade at Munson's good styles
and reasonable prices. But because an exchange-desk clerk
was sarcastic she took her account to another store. And
told her friends about it. When she received a letter from the
department-store manager inquiring courteously why she'd
closed her account, she just tore it up and tossed it in the
wastepaper basket. She didn't bother to tell the manager
why. Many such cases occur without management's ever
learning why the customer quit.

And so it goes in countless cases. People will go to absurd
lengths to punish companies as well as individuals for show-
ing them disrespect. They will dose their minds against their
own best interests, won't listen to reason because of some
personal experience. In a larger field people will not accept
logical arguments for free enterprise if they feel that in their
own personal contacts with business and industry they have
been treated with kck of consideration. It's as simple as that.
The key commumc&Aon problem of business is not that of
telling its story clearly, but lies in getting its story believed
and accepted. And that is largely an emotional and personal
matter.

Finally, let's consider this comment from E. J. Me-

Cormmmication Troubles in Business Are Personal 1 99

Clanahan, president, Standard Oil Company of California,
Western Operations, relating a man's personal problems of
communication in business to his opportunity for personal
development:

In watching successful men in all types of activities
over the years, it seems to me that their success may be
identified with three skills the ability to prepare, ability
to present, and ability to persevere. Whether attacking
a problem in sales, production or human relations, a
person must have an organized approach and must de-
velop himself in these three skills. Every man who pre-
sents his ideas must overcome obstacles and must de-
velop understanding, acceptance and compliance. The
courage and perseverance to try another tack or
bounce back with a new approach often spells the dif-
ference between success and failure.

Every man in management has an opportunity to
participate in the greatest development program of his
life his own. Preparation, presentation and persever-
ance, can serve as a lifetime guide to industrial and busi-
ness success.

This chapter's discussion, long though it is, is far from
being long enough to indicate all of the more important
communication problems of people in business. We've at-
tempted to make these points as starters for your own ob-
servation and thinking":

1. People take events and statements personally in business.
"How does it affect me^ "

2 . The grapevine may distort communication.

200 Talk That Gets Results

3. If employees don't like the supervisor, they're not likely
to like what he says.

4. If the boss shows an interest in the employee, the em-
ployee will show interest in his work.

5. The supervisor may hard-talk employees to cover up his
lack of information and feeling of uncertainty.

6. Employees will pay back bosses who've treated them
with lack of respect with poor work and by ignoring
rules.

7. Bosses have to be bosses. Firm but fair.

8. To combat grapevine keep channels of communication
open. Give the facts. Find out what anxieties or troubles
in the minds of employees caused the rumor.

9. People in industry always "read between the lines."

10. People are entitled to know in advance about changes

that will affect them.
r i. Action speaks louder than words.

12. Don't embarrass the boss in talking with him. Safest rule
for talking with the boss: Show sincere interest in what
he has to say.

13. But we've got to have courage and guts to get anywhere
in business. So when you really disagree with the boss,
don't weasel, speak right out. But try to disagree agree-
ably.

14. Customers and members of the public, like employees,
are just people. If we show them kck of consideration
they will even go against their own best interests to pay
us back.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

EASY COMMUNICATION

IN THE FAMILY:
BE POLITE

Let's begin this chapter on the subtle touchiness of family
communication with two suggestions. An old one: Let's not
take members of our family for granted. And one that may
seem trivial or novel: Let's be polite.

Consider the baby first. Consider how attached the baby
is to its mother. How absolutely dependent. For months, as
it slowly develops, it lies suspended in the warm security of
its mother's womb. Then suddenly thrust out into a strange
new world. A new human being. Some psychologists, such
as Dr. Otto Rank, hold that the human being never gets over
the shock or trauma at birth of being thrust out into the
strange new world.

Immediately the newborn begins to communicate its fun-
damental desires and needs; For food, for shelter for the

201

202 Talk That Gets Results

body, for all the things needed for security and existence.
The first law of nature is for survival, as noted in Chapter 3,
and this law goes into operation at once upon birth.

Some psychologists say the sex or reproduction drive is
manifest too, at the earliest age. This seems obscure, and we
need not go into that matter here.

However, the third basic drive, for personal recognition, is
plainly evident from babyhood to the end of one's days. It is
strongly operative in early childhood, yet too often ignored
by parents and others with relationships with the child. Your
baby is a human individual, and never ceases to demand rec-
ognition as such.

Let's note at once, however, that paying attention to the
child can be, and frequently is, overdone. When relatives
and friends constantly talk about the child in the child's pres-
ence, always make it the center of attraction, that tends to
establish a habit, so that the child will come to expect it. In
afterlife, when the child does not get such attention, will it
not likely be bitterly disappointed? It does not seem fair to
the youngster thus to lead it to expect attention it surely will
not always have. The child demands and needs attention, but
we have to keep it in balance with the needs and desires of
others.

The little child's communication is on the nonverbal level
for the first couple of years. Its coos and gurgles say, "I like
this situation. I feel fine." Its cries, from whimper to screams,
say, *Tm uncomfortably wet" or cold or hungry. The atten-

for Easy Comtmmication m the Family: Be Polite 203

rive mother usually doesn't have much difficulty in decoding
the baby's message.

Maybe the baby is just saying, "What's going on here?
Pay some attention to me." You can't blame the baby. Quite
helpless, it is beginning its never-ending quest for the under-
standing of the world that surrounds it, trying to make some
sense or order out of the strange chaos around it. It is work-
ing out its own individual organization or map or picture of
the world as it sees or otherwise senses it. It is well to bear
this in mind later and try to be patient when the child is
getting into everything, trying to work all the household
gadgets, and so on. New sights, sounds, or movements have
to be absorbed into the new child's life experience. And with
all that it demands personal recognition.

The great current emphasis on constant showing of paren-
tal love for the child seems well justified. The child needs to
know it is wanted and loved, as assurance for its security
and survival. This feeling goes first to material and physical
things, but soon in important ways to its human relation-
ships. When a new baby comes, for instance, the first-born
may have an awful feeling of neglect, lack of attention and
love; an awful threat to its basic desire for personal recogni-
tion as discussed in Chapter 3. We use the word "awful"
advisedly.

One of the most terrif ying things a mother can say to a
litde child after it has begun to understand the meanings of
words is, "If you do that, mother won't love you any more."

204 Talk That Gets Results

This Is intolerable, so dependent is the child on mother's love
and protection.

When a new baby comes, the first-born is apt to be jealous.
Jealousy is not a nice trait and some may feel it should be
stamped out or at least be ignored. But welfare workers,
psychologists, and others who have opportunity to follow
through life histories say it is not to be ignored.

This is a case from our own long-time observation:

The first-born boy was a handsome child. His warm-
hearted mother lavished a great deal of love on him. The
father was a chronic complainer and critic who didn't lavish
any love on anybody. When the second child, a boy, came
along the mother was very busy. The father continued his
usual attitude of thinking about himself and complaining
about all the people around him. Result was that the first-
born was given relatively little attention after the second
boy arrived. He was taken for granted. Even his mother
took it for granted that he knew how much she loved him.

The two boys grew up together without apparent trouble
between them, But the older boy became hypersensitive. He
was apt to resent anything said to him. Being young and
thoughtless, we used to tease him by just pointing a finger
at him. He'd fly into a suit at any such movement.

We were separated from this family for some years after
the boys were in their teens. The younger boy, likeable and
a good mixer, joined his father's small business, did well,
helped build a good trade. The older, hypersensitive, hyper-

For Easy Commtancation in the Family: Be Polite 205

critical one, left home and started a cigar and candy store. So
we learned by indirect report.

Next thing we heard was that the older brother had com-
mitted a robbery and had been sent to the penitentiary. This
was most shocking, as these were "nice people" and one
would never expect such a development.

However, it did not seem so astonishing later in the light
of social studies showing that one of the commonest causes
of boys' becoming hoodlums or girls* "going wrong" is neg-
lect by or trouble with their parents. Children, it seems, don't
forgive parental neglect. They pay the parents back for ill
treatment or even indifference.

Putting this in a positive way: The great need of the child
is for the feeling that his family is imth him.

Well, what about the suggestion at the beginning of this
chapter that the first step toward avoiding tension and
improving communication in families is to be polite? "Polite**
is a shallow word that has more to do with outward mani-
festations than with deep feeling. Why, then, use "polite'*
rather than "courteous," "kind," or "loving"? Well, being
polite seems so easy at a first step; and outward manifesta-
tions of consideration for others is the first move toward the
formation of a habit that may go very deep indeed. As Wil-
liam James, the great pioneering American psychologist, ad-
vised: To establish a helpful habit, first go through the out-
ward motions.

So we would say as a first consideration: Be polite to your
child. Guard against the tendency of the harassed mother

206 Talk Tbxt Gets Results

to scream at the child when he does something she thinks is
wrong. Or the shouts of the irritated father. Raising one's
voice in an effort to correct a small child is so common as to
be nearly universal Well, it just isn't polite. We wouldn't
speak to an adult that way. Moreover, if we scream at the
child, die child will learn to scream at us. A child is not our
"thing," our property which we can treat in any sort of an
impulsive way we wish. We ought to be at least as polite and
considerate to our children as to other adults.

In this connection, let's note that one of the important
ways children, and adults as well, learn is by imitation. If we
use loud, disagreeable tones of voice, so will our child. Later
in life we can't keep children from learning to smoke by
saying "Don't smoke," or by threats, if we ourselves smoke.
The encouraging thing is that they are just as apt to pick up
our good habits as our bad.

Being polite establishes the atmosphere favorable to get-
ting our ideas across to our children. But what about the
ideas? So often we say, "Jimmy, be good." The Sunday-
school teacher tells the child to "be good." What does
"good" mean? It's a broad, abstract term, and what seems
good to us may not seem something desirable to the child.

Wouldn't it likely be more effective, considering the
child's limited experience, to explain patiently why a cer-
tain course of action will bring him results he desires? Give
him the "reasons why" from his standpoint, from the stand-
point of his basic needs and desires and the way he has be-
gun to organize in his mind the world around him.

for Easy Communication in the Family: Be Polite 207

Children are very suggestible, just like other human be-
ings. The forces that lie below the level of their conscious-
ness are ^discriminating and unreasoning. Give them a sug-
gestion and they are apt to seize it and act upon it. What
about the parent's all too frequent "Mary, you are a bad
girl"? Doesn't it seem important that we avoid telling our
children they are "naughty," "bad," "stupid," or "stubborn,"
lest they accept our idea and continue to act that way? We
seldom speak to adults that way why should we feel free
thus to belittle our children? Praise 'when they do well is more
likely to motivate them, than harsh words when they do ill.

In discussing the foregoing with us, Dr. S. L Hayakawa
made this comment:

'*You say don't tell the child to 'be good* Also to avoid
saying he is 'naughty,' 'bad,' etc. With this I agree com-
pletely. But what should parents and others say instead?

"I feel that it is important to avoid the words *good' and
*bad' as attributes of the child y and instead to make any quali-
tative judgment attributes of the act. 'That was good
(thoughtful, kind, etc.) of you to share with your little
brother.' 'That was mean to pour soup on your sister/ 'Bring-
ing in your father's mail was a thoughtful thing to do.'
'Stop banging on the walL'

"There is a semantic laziness involved here in 'good' and
'bad' First, people are often too lazy to specify at lower
levels of abstraction what they mean by 'good 7 and 'bad'
Secondly, they are terribly careless about attributing the
adjective to die chid instead of die act, and this has the

io8 Talk That Gets Results

unfortunate consequence of implication: "bad boy* is (by
implication) permanently bad; but a 'bad' action need not
be repeated."

How little we usually think of the child's viewpoint in
talking with him. A young grandmother recently told us of
an amusing and illuminating remark by one of her grand-
sons, Bart, aged four. Bart had grown up on a Western ranch
and had picked up the cowpokes* lingo. The grandmother,
who was taking care of Bart in the parents' absence, had
been pretty well tired out by Bart and finally spoke to him
severely. "Grandma," asked Bart earnestly, "what the hell's
the matter with you? You never talked to me like that be-
fore."

Having said all the foregoing, let's not lose sight of the
necessity for straight talk and stern measures, when neces-
sary. But the child should understand why, and understand
too that, with the punishment, his parent is really fond of
him, is still with him.

Often when the little child is crying or doing something
undesirable a middle course can be pursued: Divert the
child's mind. Call his attention to something else, give him
a drink of water, start a new game, et cetera. Diverting
attention is often effective in dealing with adults, too.

One more thought: Keep your promise to the child, If you
promise a reward for certain action or for desisting from
some undesirable action, keep that promise. Avoid threaten-
ing without following through. There seems to be no surer
way to lose control of a child than to threaten without carry-

For Easy Commumcation in the Family: Be Polite 209

ing out the threat. Be sure the child can depend on what you
say; else he may follow your example and not keep his prom-
ises.

Let's go up the age scale a little:

Not long ago we sat in a restaurant. Nearby sat two
middle-aged couples and a boy about fifteen or sixteen years
of age. As usual the two women were talking together and
the two men were talking together. Quite interestedly, and
having a good time. The boy sat up very erect and alert,
much interested in the two men, his father beside him, the
other man across the table. The men paid no attention to the
lad, took no notice of his interest in them, made no effort to
bring him into the conversation. The very observant lady
with whom we were lunching watched this situation for
quite a while. Finally she turned to us and, with the typical
woman's way of jumping to a generality, said, "Men make
poor fathers!" So many do, indeed. They so often don't
think of their child as another human being, intensely de-
siring courteous attention and recognition as a worthy fel-
low human being.

Let's be polite to our children. Or else we don't want to
threaten, but or else they may pay us back in unpleasant
ways in later life.

Let's give the youngsters a chance to talk La's introduce
them to our friends. Let's listen with due consideration to
what they say. Listening is a first consideration in this as in
aH human relations and communication between people. For
example, to go back again in th^ age scale, how often do we

a i o Talk That Gets Results

hear a parent say, "Martha, you go into the house now."
"Why"? asks Martha. "Because I say so/ 5 says the parent,
apparently at the end of her rope. "Because I say so"; no
personal consideration in that. The child feels belittled. Such
lack of consideration may help make a child a brat.

Well, of course, there is that "why" period in the child's
life when the child "whys" you to distraction. Isn't it reason-
able to assume that, in the first place, the child wants to
know why about nearly everything as a part of its effort to
organize the world around it? Of course the "why" question
may become largely a habit. But shouldn't we be very pa-
tient, realizing the tremendous and altogether admirable de-
sire of the child to understand, to make some sense of what
goes on in its own private world?

Here's a mild case of blocked communication between
parent and older child, the cause unknown, but interesting,
perhaps, because of the simple remedial measures taken:

Several years ago we received a letter from a woman in a
Midwest city, saying she had read something we had written
on human relations and so was taking the liberty of writing
us about her son, Tom. The son was in the engineering de-
partment of a large industrial concern. Tom was competent
and was getting along well as a technician. But some of the
other young engineers in the firm who were more aggressive
personally with their bosses and associates were going ahead
faster than he. Trouble apparently was that Tom was diffi-
dent, wouldn't mix, talk, and participate with others unless
specifically invited to do so.

For Easy Communication in the Family: Be Polite 2 1 1

The mother said her past experience indicated that Tom
didn't care to have her advice. He was very fond of his
mother. There never had been any trouble between them,
but he had given her clearly to understand that he didn't
want his mother to tell him what to do. She had in mind
talking the situation over with Tom's wife, so the wife might
encourage him to develop his relationship with people. What
about that? What should she do, if anything? she asked. The
mother's letter indicated she was a normal parent, not an
overanxious one, and that she was, besides, more than or-
dinarily intelligent.

We offered the suggestion that Tom get into a public-
speaking training group. We said that in the large organiza-
tion with which we had been connected for a very long time
we had noticed that nearly every employee who had joined
such a group had subsequently been promoted. It was a good
way to force oneself to gain self-confidence in talking with
people. But, we said, we were doubtful about the suggested
approach to the young man through his wife, as the wife
would likely be facing emotional barriers as great as the
mother's. Why not get the suggestion made through some
friend?

Some months later we received a note from the mother,
saying the subject of public-speaking training had come up
quite casually and naturally in a family conversation, Tom
participating, and they all agreed it might have sonae value
for young men like Tom. The point wasn't pressed but quite
soon thereafter Tom did join a group called "The Toast-

212 Talk That Gets Results

masters," where each member in turn conducted the meeting
or made the principal talk. As a result, she said, Tom's tend-
ency to keep to himself was disappearing; now he often
recounted conversations he had had with his associates and
bosses, and, incidentally, he was beginning to be quite an
effective public speaker.

There is, of course, nothing particularly unusual in this
incident. It's pretty well established that public speaking
will develop one's ability as a communicator in personal con-
versation as well as in addressing groups. The interesting
point, we think, is the difficulty the mother had in com-
municating an important thought to her son, and how she
solved it. The closer one person is to another in the family
relationships of parent and child or husband and ivtfe, the
more likely there 'will be emotional blocks in the way of
good communication. A mild, casual suggestion nearly al-
ways seems more effective in such situations than "I'm telling
you what you ought to do."

We may note here that while the child starts out with a
great need for protection because of its utter dependency on
others, this changes quite fast, and the second drive for rec-
ognition as an independent and worthy human being is
strongly evident. This apparently accounts for the unruly
action of many teenagers and their resentment of parental
discipline. It accounts for many other seemingly unreason-
able actions of people throughout their lives.

The true story about Tom illustrates the important effect
home relationships may have on business life. In fact, we can

For Easy CoTnmumcation m the Family: Be Polite 2 1 3

hardly think about the subject of communication without
bringing it home.

Now let's consider communication between husbands and
wives. This one is really touchy. Everybody knows that.
Read any novel, see any play, hear or see any drama on
radio or television and you're likely to find someone trying
to portray what goes on in communication between the
sexes. More important, observe what goes on between hus-
band and wife among the people you know best.

Well, at first we'd think that communication between hus-
bands and wives would be, quite naturally, the most effec-
tive in human life, since they come to know each other so
well and their interests are identical. But obviously com-
munication between husbands and wives is seldom very
good, is usually mediocre, and in many cases "just terrible."

What's the cause? Everybody knows. You've heard the
answer said a thousand times, and it's so true: Husbands and
wives fall into the habit of "taking each other for granted."
They feel no need to show even ordinary consideration. Too
often, for example, they raise their voices in speaking to hus-
band or wife about any little thing that irritates them. Rais-
ing the voice is only one of many things that tend to block
communication. You can thmTr of plenty more the grunt of
indifference, for example, or the belittling gesture. Such
actions touch the other partner on his most sensitive spot: his
or her overwhelming need amd desire for personal recogni-
tion, for being importaiiJt;,oose of the three basic drives. Such

Talk That Gets Resets

actions are not to be taken lightly. They frequently lead to
estrangement and broken homes.

What to do, then, when we've fallen into this dangerous
habit or the other fellow has, or both have? Again we sug-
gest the lightest and easiest of countermeasures: Just start
being polite. Before we know it all the old feeling of one
being with the other instead of against him or her will come
back.

We've said it's easy to be polite* Maybe it's not so easy,
after one has got die habit of being indifferent, sarcastic, or
belittling, But let's agree that making a constant effort to be
polite is the most nearly easy way back to satisfactory com-
munication.

Let's consider now this letter we received from a woman
not long ago and which we quote verbatim:

The way I learned to get along with people was when
I was in the beauty parlor business, that's many years
ago.

I dressed their hair, and from the mirror I gained the
knowledge of studying character and personalities, and
believe me, that is a study; for different personalities the
dispositions were likewise different.

It takes broad shoulders to cope with some folks and
sometimes your very own. I love people, and I don't
care if they haven't a dime, because in each individual
you find something of interest.

The trouble with some people in this world is they
are too selfish, or others mean nothing to them.

Sometimes it's a wonder one doesn't land in an insti-

For Easy CoTnrmmication in the Family: Be Polite 215

tutbn for the lack of some folks understanding with
you. Believe me I have it with my own sweetheart hus-
band. Wonderful person in a million ways, but at times
rubs me the wrong way.

I can enjoy if it were possible the Pope's visit, all the
Archbishops, Rabbis and Ministers, and feel at ease
while talking to them and with my own I am on pins
and needles. Answer this one for me.

An exceptional case, one may say. Just a gal thrown off
her rocker a little by all that neurotic chatter she's heard in
the beauty parlor. She ought to get back on the beam, get her
husband a good meal, and relax. A trivial case, it seems.

But we doubt if this is either an exceptional or trivial case.
After the first ecstatic glow of a happy marriage passes, the
tensions due to the intimate living together of two persons of
opposite sex and often of different backgrounds begin to
mount. Here's a woman whose liking for people seems gen-
uine, but her husband rubs her die wrong way, and she's on
such needles and pins she can't talk freely with him.

Main point here is that intimacy of association often cre-
ates an emotional situation that blocks rather than opens the
'way to satisfactory commumcmon*

We lack detail ia this case upon which to form any opin-
ion as to tte c^ose of this woman's dilemma or as to what
might t>e the remedy for the difficulty. We have to know
about a person's life experience, as indicated in Figure II,
Chapter 2, in order to deal effectively with him or her. But
we daresay if we'll ji^t not undiinkingly pass by the cases

2 16 Talk That Gets Results

that come under our own personal observation we will find
among our circle of friends an appalling proportion of mar-
ried people who are deeply disturbed emotionally princi-
pally because they can't talk freely to their wives or hus-
bands.

The most effective business officers we have known have,
as a practical matter of management, been keenly interested
in the home relationships of the men whom they supervise.
Family relations are important m business. Blocked com-
muwcations between husband and 'wife 'will prey on a mwfs
rnmd through the working day, will slow up his work, may
came him to have m accident in the shop or ?nake costly
mistakes m the office.

As has been noted elsewhere in this book, you have to
understand people if you want to understand what they
mean or have them understand what you mean. But how,
most men will ask, can you understand a woman? How can
you, when they don't seem to understand themselves?

The wife is often volatile, while the man is phlegmatic.
She has periods of depression and periods of elation. She
talks too much, too vivaciously, or sulks in silence. She likes
to sit around and talk before dinner, while the husband has
to have his meal right now when he gets home from work
or he'll be cross as a bear. She may like to have everything
neat and orderly, while the husband drops his pajamas in die
middle of the floor and makes a shambles of the bathroom.

Or the whole thing may be turned around. He may be the
volatile one, and he is sure to have some up-an-down pe-

For Easy Communication in the Family: Be Polite 2 17

riods that some psychologists say come at regular intervals.
He may be the talkative one while she is relatively reserved.
He may be neat and she may slop around all day in curlers
and crazy pants.

At any rate, the wife is a woman, the husband is a man; and
men and women are different, as has been frequently ob-
servedso different they have great difficulty in explaining
themselves to each other. And their life experience is always
different, one from the other. Ask any wife or husband if
her husband or his wife is always reasonable. Ask any wife
or husband if her or his mate likes "constructive criticism,"
suggestions for improvement.

Well, nobody is reasonable. Nowhere more than in mar-
ried life does it seem necessary to drop the old idea that peo-
ple can reasonably be expected to be reasonable. Married
lif eis a state of emotion. It has little to do with rational think-
ing. One little show of consideration and affection is 'worth
reams of logic.

It should be remembered too that familiarity breeds con-
tempt. Man and wife live very dose together in most cases.
It used to be said in the backwoods that if yon tied a couple
of friendly cats together and hung them over a clothesline
they'd daw each other to pieces. So people living close to-
gether m family and married relationships often get on each
other's nerves and daw eadi other.

A great many married people, especially the men, seem
embarrassed to show affection or even consideration for
their mates, at least in the presence of others. This may grow

2 18 Talk That Gets Results

into a habit of indifference when the couple is alone. Many
others fall into the habit of teasing or needling. This too
ma y grow into a habit that will caose a widening breach be-
tween the two.

What to do about indifference, taking each other for
granted, and the threat of a widening breach? Well, a little
polite formalism helps, and that is possible even in the small-
est house, in the most modest home. For instance, let the hus-
band hold the wife's chair and seat her at mealtime. Or,
better still, let the old boy loosen up, take the little woman
out to dinner and a show and, maybe, buy a corsage on
top of that.

Or let the wife dress a little formally for the evening meal.
Then, too, she might see the husband's slippers are brought
out and his bed turned down at night. Anything of that kind.
These are small things but they help prevent that taking-f or-
granted attitude and the careless familiarity that breeds con-
tempt. We'd say, as a first consideration: Be polite to your
'wife or husband.

A quality that helps mightily is a sense of humor. It can
be cultivated and become a habit. Little family jokes that
would seem pretty silly to outsiders help to divert the mind
from the irritations of family life, and make life enjoyable,
as it should and can be. Diverting the mind is an effective
technique in dealing with a peevish spouse, just as it is in
dealing with a peevish child.

Men and women are animals, and animal comforts come
first in most married lives. A good meal will often dispel a

For Easy Communication in the Family: Be Polite 219

grouch, bring good humor and a spirit of sweet reasonable-
ness. So with sex hunger.

Most young married people hear talk about the difficulties
that come with change of life. For men as well as women,
most doctors say. But few men or women are psychologically
prepared for it when it comes; and as a result go through a
merry hell-on-earth for a couple of years when rational
communication is well nigh impossible.

All these are touchy subjects; so touchy they are not
often frequently discussed frankly or understood. They
ought, some thoughtful educators believe, to be taught in
secondary schools; thus dispelling the morbid ideas that be-
devil the majority of people from time to time. At least, for
example, let them know there are plenty of happy times on
the other side when they get across die change-of-lif e period.

So what has all this to do with human communication?
Just this, that the usual difficulties physical and psycho-
logicalthat beset people in their efforts to get their mean-
ings across to other people are intensified in family life. And
extra consideration for die needs and desires of the other per-
son is a must.

To sum up:

1. Let's consider the child's viewpoint, especially his de-
sire for personal recognition.

2. Parental neglect may make a boy a hoodlum or a girl "go
wrong."

3. Politeness is of vital importance in making good com-
munication between members of the family.

22O

Talk That Gets Results

4. A child is not our "thing" that we can shout at.

5. Telling a child to "be good" is apt to be pretty futile.
Show him how a specific course of action will bring him
the results he desires.

6. If you tell your child he is "bad," or "stupid," or
"clumsy," he may unconsciously accept that suggestion
and act on it. Speak about the action, not the child.

7. Introduce your children to your friends, bring them into
the conversation.

8. Communication troubles at home may handicap a person
in business,

9. It's dangerous for husband or wife to take the other for
granted.

10. Marriage often creates an emotional situation that blocks
communication.

1 1. Marriage is a state of emotion, not of reason. One show
of affection or consideration is worth reams of logic.

12. Every young married person ought to be prepared for
the acute communication difficulties of the change-of-
lif e period.

1 3. Extra consideration for the other person is a must
throughout married life.

SUGGESTED READING

Language in Action, S. L Hayakawa, Harcourt, Brace and Com-
pany, Inc., New York, 1941. Most popular book on human
communication. Witty and wise.

Psychology in Management, Mason Haire, McGraw-Hill Book
Company, Inc., New York, 1956. This scholarly book for
business managers and students of industrial psychology
and business administration will help anyone. Illustrated
with results from psychological experiments and incidents
from business life.

Language, Meaning, and Maturity, edited by S. I. Hayakawa,
Harper & Brothers, New York, 1954. Reprint of best articles
from ETC., a review of General Semantics, from 1943 to
1953, by outstanding authorities on communication and
human relations.

The Art of Clear Thinking, Rudolph Flesch, Harper & Brothers,
Inc., New York, 1951. Easy-to-read explanation of how
people think, with an interesting comparison with modern
"thinking machines," By the author of The Art of Plain
Talk.

The Living Brain, W. Grey Walter, W. W. Norton & Com-
pany, Ino^ New York, 1953. If you are not frightened by
"electroencephalography," you will be fascinated by this
book on the human brain with discussion of memory,
genius, hypnotism, sleep.

Word Power Made Easy, Norman Lewis, Doubleday & Com-
pany, Inc., New York, 1949. How to learn interestingly
how to t-frlk about people interestingly. Practical for vo-
cabulary building.

221

222 Talk That Gets Remits

Customs and Crises in Communication, Irving J. Lee, Harper
& Brothers, New York, 1954* Case studies of barriers and
breakdowns in communication.

Psychology in Living, Wendell White, The Macmillan Com-
pany, New York, 1944. Scholarly treatise on human nature.
Easy for the layman to understand.

People m Quandaries, Wendell Johnson, Harper & Brothers,
New York, 1946. Introduction to study of general seman-
tics. University level.

The Art of News Comrmmication, Chilton R. Bush, Appleton-
Century-Crofts, Inc., New York, 1954. For journalists and
students of journalism. A practical book based on sound
theory of interpersonal communication.

Operational Philosophy: An Analysis of New Trends in Think-
mg, Anatol Rapoport, Harper & Brothers, New York, 1953.
The president of the International Society for General
Semantics offers an important book for all students of com-
munication.

Science md Sanity, 3d ed., Alfred KorzybsM, Institute of Gen-
eral Semantics, Lakeville, Connecticut. Tough reading, but
a must for those who wish to follow through a study aimed
at the development of a science of man.

Group Dynamics: Research Theory, D. Cartwright and A.
Zander; Row, Peterson & Company, Evanston, 111., 1953.
For serious students of the problem of people acting and
talking in groups.

Tyranny of Words, Stuart Chase, Harcourt, Brace and Com-
pany, Inc., New York. 1938. One of the best-known books
on semantics, by a pioneer thinker in that field.

Group Centered Leadership, Thomas Gordon, Houghton Mif-
flin Company, Boston, 1956. Helpful especially for those
who conduct conferences but also for all interested in
communication.

Motivation and Morale in Industry, Morris S. Viteles, W. W.

Suggested Reading 223

Norton & Company, Inc., New York, 1953. Professor of
psychology at University of Pennsylvania, Mr. Viteles
offers a comprehensive account of latest studies and atti-
tude surveys of wants and needs of workers; reviews vari-
ous analyses of basic and secondary motives.
Winning Yowr Way with People, K. C. Ingram, McGraw-Hill
Book Company, Inc., New York, 1949. This popular-type
book on everyday human relations has chapters dealing in
definite detail with conversation, letter writing, telephone
usage, and speechmaking.

INDEX

Abnormality, 31, 37, 107

Adams, Henry Brooks, quoted, 148

Advertising, 141

definition of, 142

suggestion and, no
Advice, dislike of, 12
Anger, 55, 79
Animals, commrmfcation by, 8, 32-

33

communication with, 84
Antagonism, 62
Apologies, 43-44
Appearance, personal, 28-29, 39
Argument, 67-81

agreeableness in, 75-77, 197, 200

non-sense, 74-75

rules for, 80-81

winning of, 73-74
Arrogance, danger of, 65
Art of dear Thinking, The, Flesch,

73
Art of News Communication,

Bush, 15

Art of Plain Talk, The, Flesch, 161
Artists, 64-65
Attitudes, changing of, 127-128,

130

Autocracy, 31-34, 39
Auto-suggestion, 104-105, 112-113

Babies, communication by, 8-9,

92, 201
communication with, 47-48

Babies, spoiling of, 202-203
Bevelas, Alex, quoted, 54, 194-195
Behavior, basis of, 39, 50

changing of, 177178

kinds of, 84-85

motivation and, 35-39

social, 146

success and, 50-51
Beliefs, confirming of, 47, 49
Bello, Francis, quoted, 38
Bennett, W. E., quoted, 48
Blustering, 99-101, 187
Brighouse, Gilbert, quoted, 34
Brown, Phyllis, quoted, 119-120
Bryan, William Jennings, 95
Bulletins, 189
Bush, Chilton, quoted, 15
Business letters, writing, 164-171,

i?3
Bussell, Bob, 99

Campa, Arthur, quoted, 43-44
Carlyle, Thomas, quoted, 157
Change, in behavior, 177-178

resistance to, 47
Children, relations with, 201-220

{See also Babies)
Cicero, 56
Clothes, 28
Closed mind, 69, 73

problem of, 53-54, 62-63, 66, in
Colby, Bainbridge, 96
Common sense, 61, 66

224

Index

Communication, blocked, 6
definitions of, 12, 48, 52
difficulties in, 174
in business, 41^2, 45-^48, 174-

200

language and, 58-59, 61
between nationalities, 43-45,

43-50
emotional, 48, 93-101, 162, 188,

198, 215-216, 220
family, 201-220
faulty, 3, 130
illustration of, 13
improvement of, capacity for, 108
life experience and (see Ex-
perience, life)
management and, 177-200
mathematical theory of, 38
means of, 8~n
and mutual interests, 28-29
personality and, 14-16
purpose of, 4, 24, 122
reasoning, 93, 96
research in, 37-39
skill in, 34

two-way, 54-55, 66, 184
wordless, 8-9, 23, 100-101, 202-

203

written (see Writing)
Compliments, 94
Compromise, 80

ability to, 64-66
Compulsions, 122
Conferences, 134-138
business, 126-134
leadership of, 129, 131132, 136,

i 3 8

participation in, 133-135, 137-

138

on communication, 191192
failure of, 135-136
Consistency, perils of, 6^-64, 66

"5

Controller Magazine, The, 188
Conversation, improvement in, 145

intrapersonal, 19-20, 23

life experience and, 16-23

personality and, 14-16, 70

repetition in, 163

typical, 174-177
Cooperation, basis for, 35
Counterargument, 73
Courtesy, 56, 124-126

in letter writing, 166

in management, 185

(See oho Politeness)
Criticism, resentment of, 43, 51
Culture, 146

Customer relations, 197-200
Customs, variation in, 43-45, 60
Cybernetics, 38

Davison, Harry P., 109
Democracy, 31-34, 39
Descartes, Rene, quoted, 57
Dictionaries, use of, 159, 172
Disagreement (see Argument)
Discussion, 68-69

curtailment of, 53-54, 124, 184
Double talk, 119-120, 122
Drives, distorted, 30-31 *

importance of, 27

for recognition (see Recogni-
tion)

repressed, 27-28

sex (see Sex drive)

for survival, 15, 25, 30, 39, 202
. underlying principle of, 34

universality of, 36-37.

Economic principles, 191
Education, desire for, 139-141

motivation in, 143

(See also Turning)
Education Testing Service, Prince-
ton, New Jersey, 144

226

Electxoencephalography, 37

Electronics, 37-38

Embler, Weller, quoted, 56, 110-

in, 165
Emerson, Ralph Waldo, quoted, 9,

64
Emotions, communication and, 48,

93-101

in family relations, 215-216
in management, 184, 188-190,

198

in writing, 162
Employees, communicating with,

41-43, 174-200
Enthusiasm, 148

Environment, behavior and, 50-51
Epictetus, 75
TC., 58,163
Euphemisms, 88
Evolution of the Diplomatic

Method, The y Nicolson, 162
Experience, life, communication

and, 16-23, 39, 51-52, 74, 81,

93 J 39 i4*i r 57 2I 5

Facts, consideration of, 66

nonverbal, 57, 59

partial, 62
Failure, learning by, 148-149

suggestions for, 108-109
Faith, 105-106

in self, 63, 108-109
Family relations, 201-220

business and, 216-217
Ferguson, Hob, 128-131

quoted, 128
Flesch, Rudolph, 161

quoted, 73-74
Forbes, B. C, quoted, 109
Fortune magazine, 38, 191
Freud, Sigmund, 26
Frustration, 3, 6, 59, 66, 79, 89-91

Index

Genius, 61, 66

Geography, influence of, 60
Gestures, 9, 59, 159
Glass, Carter, 96
Gossip, 175-177, l8 7> I 99

control of, 187-188, 200
Grievances, airing of, 124-127
Groups, actions of, 32-33

membership in, 27, 39

talking before, 123-137

(See also PubHc speaking)
Guralnik, David B., quoted, 10

Habits, confirming of, 49, 105

irritating, 41-43, 70

learning and, 149
Haire, Mason, quoted, 50-51, 177-

^79
Halle, Louis J., Jr., quoted, 152,

170-171

Harper's Magazine, 194
Hayakawa, S. I., quoted, 58-59, 207-

208

Health, 27

Hershey, Robert, quoted, 187-188
Holmes, Oliver Wendell, quoted,

156
Holmes, Justice Oliver Wendell,

quoted, 88
Hopkins, Claude, 142
House organs, 189
H ow to Live Beyond Yowr Means,

Wilson, 104
Human nature, 15
basic principle of, 34
individual concepts of, 90
understanding of, 17, 24-25, 39,

144, 180-187

unreasonableness of, 40-52
Human relations, communication

and, 5, 49, 174-200
motivation and, 36-38

Index

Human relations programs, 126-

127, 130-131

Humor, sense of, 109, 218
Hurley, General, 129
Huxley, Thomas Henry, quoted,

Ideas, communication of, 55, 62-63
Imitation, learning by, 206
Impulses, restraint of, 30
Incentives, 143-144

(See also Rewards)
Indifference, 218
Inferiority, feelings of, 77-78, 81
Influence on others, means of exert-

ing, 35-38

Initiative, lack of, 33
Innuendos, 177
Insecurity, 78
Instincts (see Drives)
Instructions, giving of, 54-55
Interests, personal, and listening,

54. i?o
Intuition, 62
Irwin, Charles IL, quoted, 145-147

James, William, 104

quoted, 25, 105, 205
Jealousy, sibling, 204-205
Johnson, Samuel, quoted, 87
Johnson, Wendell, quoted, 85, 155-

i 5 6

Journal of Ccrmmumcatwnj 45, 48*

60,65
Joyce, James, quoted, 161

i*

Kelley, Earl C, quoted, 18, in
KorzybsM, Alfred, 9
quoted, 57-58

Langflle, VeciMm

6*0

227

Language, inadequacies of f 58-59,

66

mastery of, 172

(See also Vocabulary; Words)
Language m Thought and Action^

Hayakawa, 58
Lao-Tse, 55
Lasker, Albert, 141-142
Latins, characteristics of, 45, 49-

5<>

Laughter, 101
Leaders and leadership, 33, 129,

131-132, 136, 138

Learning, attitude toward, 139-142
by failure, 22, 148-149
by imitation, 206
law of effect in, 177-179
listening and, 145-148

thfrtlffmr and, 142

Lee, Irving J., quoted, 75

Letter writing, business, 164^171,

173

Lewis, Norman, 159
Lincoln, Abraham, 165
Link, Henry C, 140

quoted, 144
Linkletter, Art, 40
Listeners and listening, 53-54, 66V
70, 79, 81, 130-132, 138, 145-
147, 209-210

Living, rules for, 109-110
Lfvmg Bram, Tbe> Walter, 37, 92,

148

Love, desire for, 27-28
lack of, 60

vicarious experience of, 29
LraV, Margni N-, quoted, 82

Mcdanahan, E. J^ quoted, 199
McCormkk, Elsie, quoted, 120-121
McGk>ldrick, Edward, Jr., 107
McLean, Alan, quoted, 185

228

Management, communication and,

177-200
Management of the Mind, Me-

Goldrkk, 106
Marriage, 213-220
Mass communication, 189
Mass production, 193
Mathematician's Delight, Sawyer,

5*
Mathematics, 144-145

quoted, 174
Mental illness, 89-91, 107
Money, desire for, 25-26, 39
Morale, 30, 185-187

productivity and, 192-193
Motivation, 144

in education, 143, 145

human action and, 35-39, 177-178
Movies, reasons for attending, 29
Mutual interests, 2^-29

Nicolson, Harold, quoted, 162
Nilsen, Thomas R., 184
Nonverbal Communication,

Ruesch, 9
Normality, 30-31, 37, 107

O'Neill, Eugene, 121
Open-mindedness, 53-54, 62-63, 66,

130
Operational Philosophy, Rapoport,

12

Opinions, changing of, 73-74
differences in (see Argument)
unconsidered, 103
Orientals, customs of, 45, 60, 86

Paine, Ralph D-, 191-192
Parents, neglect by, 204-205, 219
Patin, Jim, 131

Index

Pattern -for Industrial Peace,

Whyte, 72
Pemberton, William H., quoted,

107-108

Personal appearance, 28-29, 39
Personal interests, listening and, 54,

130

Personality, 127, 129
communication and, 15-16
formation of, 92-93
variations in, 47, 51-52, 66
Personnel Journal, 185, 187
Persuasion, in letter writing, 169-

170, 173

listening and, 147
suggestibility and, 110-112, 127-

128

Phelan, James D., quoted, 31
Philosophy of Science, 85
Politeness, 201, 205-206, 214, 218-

220

(See also Courtesy)
Pope, Joseph B., 102

quoted, 1 88
Power, desire for, 27
Prejudices, 60, 87, in
Probability predictions, 57
Progress, benefits of, 50
common sense and, 61
Promises, keeping of, 208-209
Psychoanalysis, 26
Psychologists, 25, 38
Psychology m Management, Haire,

5> J 77
Public speaking, 94-97, 101, 116-117,

164, 21 1-2 12
Punctuality, 44-45
Punishment, 36-37, 39, 178, 208
unjust, 79

Questions, asking of, 131-132, 138
importance of, 55

Index

229

Rank, Otto, 201
Rapoport, Anatol, 122

quoted, 12, 88
'Reader's Digest, 120
Reading, acquisitive, 156
creative, 156-157
writing and, 152, i55~ l 57i J 7 2
Reasonableness, 41, 46-48, 51, 217
Recognition, personal, 15, 16, 25, 39,

121, 137

appearance and, 28-29
in childhood, 202-203
criticism and, 43, 70
in family life, 212-214
listening and, 130
in work, 27, 30, 49, 78, 94, 184-

185, 196
Religion, 56
Repetition, 177

emphasis and, 163-164, 173
Reports, writing of, 164-169
Repression, 27
Resentment, of criticism, 43, 51

prejudices and, 60
Responsibility, dislike of, 33
Rewards, 36, 39, 178
Roethlisberger, F. J., 131, 192
Roosevelt, Theodore, 100
Ruesch, Jurgen, 9
Russell, D. J., quoted, 193
Russians, 44

Sarcasm, 44, 87, 198
Saturday Review, 152, 170
Sawyer, W. W., quoted, 58
Schoen, Max, 42
Science, physical, 37-38
Security, need for, 27
Self-centeredness, 34-35, 39
Self-confidence, 146
Self-doubt, 109
Self -improvement, desire for, 143

Semantics, 104, 158-159
Senses, 57

reactions to stimulation of, 20-21
Sex drive, 15-16, 25, 30

manifestations of, 28, 202

repression of, 28
Shannon., Claude, 38
Slang, lo-n
Social scientists, 38
Socrates, 129
Spanish language, 43-44
Standards, variation in, 47
Steel magazine, 134
Stimuli, reactions to, 20-21
Strachey, Lytton, 157
Strange Interlude, O'Neill, 121
Stubbornness, 53
Subconscious mind, 105-107

management of, 112-113
Sublimation, 28
Success, 112, 149
Suggestibility, 74, 102113, 169-171,

* 7 . 3
of children, 207-208, 220

Survival, drive for, 15, 25-27, 30,

39, 202

Symbols, importance of, 84-86
words as, 82-84, 86, 89-9 1

Talking Upward vffibout Fear,

Bevelas, 194

Taylor, Frederick Window, 193
Teachers, 142-143, 151
Teaching, 150

of mathematics, 144

results in, 46
Teamwork through Discussion,

Ferguson, 131
Telberg, Ina, 44
Thoughts, importance of, 19-20

language and, 58-59, 66

230

Thoughts, words and, 119-121

(Bee also Ideas)

Time magazine, 107, 119, 144, 193
Time and motion studies, 193
Tolerance, 56
Trudi, 57-58, 69-70, 79, 81, 87

Understanding, 3-7

of others, 48, 216-217
United N attorn Magazine^ Tbe, 44
Unreasonableness, 40-45
Unselfishness, 34-35, 39

Vocabulary, 4, 159
limited, 18

nationality and, 43-45
of primitive peoples, 18
(See also Language; Words)

Walter, W. Grey, 37, 92, 148

quoted, 93, 149
Western Electric, 192
White, Leslie A., quoted, 84-85
White, WendeU, 30

quoted, 31
Whyte, William Foote, quoted,

72-73

Wiener, Norbert, 37
Wilson, Marjory, 104

Index

Winning Your Way with People,

Ingram, 41
Witnesses, legal, 56
Word Power Made Easy, Lewis,

^59

Words, 4-6
abstract, 87, 122
choice of, 115-122, 137-138, 157-

159, 162-163, 170-173
definition of term, 10, 23, 58, 88
meaning of, 10-11, 23, 56, 59-

60, 86-91, 115, 118, 130, 158-

159

as symbols, 82-84, 86, 80-91
unusual, use of, 114-116
(See also Language; Vocabulary)

Work, reasons for, 29-30

Writing, 10, 23
effective, 161-163, 167-169, 172-

173

emotional, 162

importance of, 23, 86, 152-154
originality in, 157
purpose in, 1 60
repetition in, 163-164, 173
requirements for, 154-157, 172
and semantics, 158-159
simplicity in, 160-161, 171-172
symbols used in, 86

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

K. C. Ingram wrote this book because he believes that
the most vital need of our time is for people and peoples to
understand each other. All his life Mr. Ingram has been con-
cerned with various forms of communication. As a high-
school student and later at Stanford University he worked as
a newspaper reporter and correspondent. After college he
continued in newspaper work for a time, then went into the
advertising business. For twenty years before his recent re-
tirement Mr. Ingram was assistant to the president of the
Southern Pacific Company, in charge of public and em-
ployee relations. He is also the author of Winning Your
Way 'with People.

W! til

* 4 S* Irtt I

by K. C. Ingram

The key to greater personal happiness
and harmony with others is to be found
in this book. Here you will gain a fresh
insight into why people act the way they
,.u, and a new understanding of yourself
and those around you. Winning Your
V, t *i o ws you how you can

get the most out of life, how you can have
a better time in the business of living, by
understanding human nature.

With numerous stories and examples
Mr. Ingram describes the methods of un-
derstanding yourself in relation to others.
He puts modern psychology and the find-
ings of the world's great teachers in terms
of a simple philosophy of action. His sug-
gestions for getting, your ideas across to
other people, for working harmoniously
with people, point up how you can gain
maximum effectiveness in dealing with
others in your everyday Me.

Many of the stories and suggestions are
concerned with lif e in the business world.
They explain why the boss acts the way
he does, and how he and you can get re-
sults through leadership. You are shown
by example how you can win the help of
others in your business relationships. As
many more examples deal with social
and family life.

The author, through his wonderfully
informaal conversational style, shows you
how to mesh gears with tiie spoi^ty in
wbicli you live and in so doing miaJfe your
own Hf e and the BV^S of others around
you rttore J3 : rofitabt0

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