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A TENDERFOOT

IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

A TENDERFOOT

IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

BY

M. D. YESLAH

NEW YORK
PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR

By

J. J. LITTLE & IVES CO.

1908

Copyright, 1508, by
M, D. HALSEY

A II rights reserved

This is an autograph edition
of ''A Tenderfoot in Southern
California," the number of this
copy being -.

L^^i

500653

TO GENE

And to the thousands of Angels (without
wings) who are contentedly floating through
life out in God's country, and to the thousands
who live in hopes of some day doing likewise,
I dedicate this little book.

FOREWORD

Much has been written about Cahfornia, and
Southern California in particular, as the native
or the average citizen sees it. To the tourist,
spending the winter in this garden spot, many
little occurrences happen daily, that pass un-
noticed by those living here, and to this end,
this small volume is offered in memory of the
many joys and trials combined, experienced by
one of the ever-present Tenderfeet.

The Author.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER PAGE

/. A Flea Bitten Tenderfoot . . . 13

//. fFhen it Rains 21

///. Auctions 29

IV. Pasadena 37

V. When East Conies West .... 49

VI. Los Angeles Streets 55

VIL Mt. Lowe 65

VIII. Theaters 71

IX. Through Tourists^ Glasses . . . 79

X. Hollywood and Baldwin'' s Ranch . 87

XI. California Tarns 93

XII. Bargain Sales lOl

XIII. Arrowhead Hot Springs . . . .Ill

XIV. Some Things I Bought in Los

Ang.'les 117

XV. Just Dreaming 125

XVL Cat a Una Island 139

XVn. Homesick 147

A FLEA BITTEN TENDERFOOT

CHAPTER I

HEN I came out
to California, Bill,
some blamed idiot who knew
it all, advised me what to bring.
^^Ji( He said — (and I'll bet my
old pair of suspenders he never saw
California) says he,

" Dont take any winter clothes out
there with you, its such a hot coun-
try you wont need 'em."

Wall, I didnt, and by gum, I like
to froze to death.

13

A TENDERFOOT

All I had in that blamed trunk of
mine was some peek-a-boo underwear
and drop stitched stockings.

I wore a summer suit and a straw
hat out on the train, to keep cool,
and was snow bound on the way to
Los Angeles, and frost bitten, by gum,
after I got here. It sure was a cold
night when we pulled in, and as the
train was four or five hours late, I
footed it up town, to a hotel.

I didnt put up at Mr. Alexandria's
or the Van Noose, as I heard on the
train they charged you extra to blow
your nose, if you stopped there. So
I found a room on Main Street
(which is nothing to be proud of)
and the landlady hollered after me,
as I went up the stairs, not to blow
out the gas.

14

A TENDERFOOT

I didnt.

By gum, I was so stiff with the
cold, I kept it burning all night to
melt the icicles I knew must be
hanging to the end of my nose.
There was only one measley pair of
summer blankets on that bed, and
the pillows were so small, I came
blamed near losing 'em in my ear
before morning.

I went to bed with all my clothes
on, and the rest of the night I laid
there and shook until I jarred the
bed, and some fellar who had a room
under mine, pounded on the ceiling,
and told me to make less noise up
there.

I couldnt help it — the slats in the
old bed were loose and rattled, any
way.

IS

A TENDERFOOT

If ever I was lonesome. Bill, and
wanted to go home, I did that night.

It wasnt because I was alone,
either — no, not that, for I'll bet I
held up over one hundred fleas in
different sections of that bed and on
me, before morning, and every one
of 'em was as big as a rat.

Now of course I dont really mean
to say that they were that big, but
by gum, they looked so to me that
night. You know I never saw a
real, healthy, hustling California flea
before. I could see their eyes shine
as they looked at me, and I'll swear
some of *em had on glasses and car-
ried lanterns so they could find me
easier.

There were old gray beards among
*em that had voted for years, and I'll

i6

ATENDERFOOT

bet hadnt had a square meal since
the last tenderfoot slept in that bed.

I found out afterwards, that they
dont bite the natives — skins are too
thick — but a real tender, juicy down
easter, is as much of a treat to 'em,
as a porterhouse steak is in a bum
boarding house.

17

WHEN IT RAINS

CHAPTER II

HERE are three
things in Califor-
nia that are different from the
same three things any where
?vvA^. else on earth.

They are sunshine, moonshine, and
rain. I might add the biggest liars
for the fourth, but that is another
story.

I've seen it rain some in my time,
but by gum, when it rains in Cali-
fornia, its got all the rest of the

21

A TENDERFOOT

country skinned to death. Where
one drop lights on you in a back east
rain-storm, a bucketful strikes you in
the same spot, out here.

It rains in sheets, in blankets, and
in comforters, and then some. Every
drop certainly must be a comforter,
for you never saw people so tickled
to death over a rain-storm as these
Californians are.

Every blamed man, woman and
child, acts like they'd struck a gold
mine in their own back yard.

The kids dance up and down and
cry, " Now we can get our red
wagons"; the wife will smile and
say, "This will bring the automobile
the old man promised me ", and the
old man — if he's a farmer, he's out
talking it over with his nearest

22

A TENDERFOOT

neighbor, both of 'em soaking wet,
but with a smile that wont wash off
and crying out, " Bully, bully, keep
it up, keep it up ! Its raining dollars,
every drop." If he's a store keeper,
he is smiling and nodding to every
one who comes into the store, rub-
bing his hands together all the while,
for it means "Dollars" in big letters
to each and every one of 'em. Thats
why they are so happy.

They aint out here, any of 'em,
for their health, altho many a one
has found it.

Health is laying around loose any-
where in Southern California. Its
here in chunks, and if you've got life
enough in you to draw a long breath,
you wont have to draw very many,
before you begin to realize, they

23

A TENDERFOOT

taste different, and make you feel
like a kid back in school days when
you played hookey and went fishing.

California air kinder gets you all
over. Your musty old lungs aint had
such a treat in all their life before,
and they are already beginning to
open up and grow larger, same as
everything else does in California.

And when after one of these glo-
rious rains, the sun comes out — I
mean the real California sunshine,
not a blinking, watery-eyed sun,
peeking around the corner of a cloud,
and then dodging back for fear some
one saw it — (the back home kind) —
no sir-ree, I mean the real thing that
just beams on you, and throws a shine
over everything until your eyes hurt,
and you wonder if it aint made of

24

A TENDERFOOT

different stuff than the kind you left
back east in Illinois.

It makes the trees come back to
life and grow young again, the flowers
open up in brighter colors than
before, and the hills are carpeted
with green velvet, as far as the eye
can reach.

And a funny feeling comes creep-
ing over you — they've all got it out
here — but for the life of me, I cant
describe it to you. You'll have to
come out and feel it for yourself.
Bill.

25

AUCTIONS

CHAPTER III

MUST say I never
saw such a town
for having auctions as Los
Angeles.

For a fact, I counted nine-
teen auctions one night on the two
main streets inside of eight blocks.

Most of 'em were Japs selling out,
going home, they said, but inside of a
week, these same fellows were having
an "Opening" giving away presents,
further up town in another block.

29

A TENDERFOOT

They aint the only heathens selHng
out in that town, either.

One night when I was bumming
around town I just naturally strolled
into a jewelry auction.

That auctioneer was sure a dandy.
He sold those suckers — (men suckers
I mean) — solid gold watches for
$1.95 guaranteed.

There were plenty of women
suckers there ; yep, bunches of 'em,
and they bit harder than any man in
the crowd.

They bid as high as five cents at a
jump, and bid right over their own bids,
until the auctioneer tickled so hard, he
had to blow his nose to hide the kugh.
His face was as red as a beet, and
he nearly busted holding in, while
he kept on saying,

30

A TENDERFOOT

" Lady, dont let it get away from
you for only half a dime. If you
cant use it for cake spoon, you can
use it to spank the baby with."

Then some reckless woman would
risk five cents more, and get it.

Mebbe when she counted out her
change, it was all in nickels and
dimes, and the old pocketbook was
busted at both ends and mighty flat
in the middle, but she held her head
high as she sailed out of the store,
with a silver plated baby spanker,
and ten chances to one, she was an
old maid, with no immediate pros-
pects.

But there were others in that
crowd — not old maids, but suckers.
Yep, he hooked me, all right, and
before I knew it, I had paid $1.75

31

A TENDERFOOT

for a genuine diamond scarf pin as
big as a marble and just about as
brilliant.

I met Jones as I came out of the
auction, and as he had been lingering
in Jim Jeffries Saloon (all in big
electric lighted letters) I could plainly
see that a few more smiles on his
part, would make that diamond scarf-
pin I had just bought, look like Jef-
fries sign on a foggy night.

Yep, they have fog in Los Angeles.

The Angels will tell you its " Un-
usual," but by gum, it fogs so hard
here sometimes, that you have to
follow the car tracks to find your
way home.

I had to pay for several glasses of
" Oh-be-joyful," before I could con-
vince Jones that he needed that

32

A TENDERFOOT

diamond scarf-pin the worst way,
and I obliged him by taking in ex-
change, a sore-eyed bull pup, he'd
bought on a street corner that after-
noon, that was two-thirds fox terrier
and the other part mule.

33

PASADENA

CHAPTER IV

N Pasadena, mean-
ing " Crown of
_ the Valley," they have a street
called Oranee Grove Avenue.
p^f. I dont know why.
I didnt see any orange groves
when I drove through there.

The avenue is also called "Mil-
lionaires Row," and "A Mile of
Millionaires," for there are more mil-
lionaires on that avenue, than any other
street of its length in the country.

A TENDERFOOT

The houses are certainly mighty
fine — the fat pocketbook of the
owners giving free rein to the build-
ers of the castles, and the glorious
sunshine of Southern California, doing
the rest, in the way of flowers and
beautiful lawns.

Yep, I paid a dollar a head for
one of those two horse rigs that stand
four deep at every street corner and
nail a tourist the minute he steps off
the street car. You know, Califor-
nians seem to know us, I dont know
why — mebbe we look easy, or again
mebbe its the cut of our trousers —
still, they spot a woman tourist just as
easy, so of course that cant be the
reason, because — well, any way, they
catch a tenderfoot with, " Carriage to
all the interesting parts of the City,

38

A TENDERFOOT

sir/' and its dollars to peanuts, some
female in the crowd will roll her
eyes at you and say, " Oh, what a
lovely day for a drive," and its all off.

So you dump your overcoat, and
your kodak and your lunch basket
and your umbrella, and a bunch of
wilted poppies, you've been carting
around for two solid hours (to please
some fool woman who "just couldnt
resist gathering the beautiful things")
you dump all of these into the nearest
rig and also four or five hard earned
dollars into the driver's pocket, and
set back and make a bluff at enjoying
yourself.

Speaking of California poppies.
Of course, as I say, after you've carted
a wilted bunch around for a few
hours, you aint much stuck on 'em^

39

A TENDERFOOT

but without a doubt, they are the
finest wild-flower, the sun ever blos-
somed out.

In color and shape they look like
our eastern buttercup, only their color
is a brighter orange, and one flower
is as big as twenty of 'em put to-
gether.

And say. Bill, when you look
ahead of you, up on the side of a
little sloping hill, at the foot of the
mountains, and see a solid carpet of
these flowers as big as a city block,
and bigger — it kinder makes you
draw a long breath, and feel funny
inside.

You know the feeling you get
when some one flings the old "Stars
and Stripes " out in a good stifle breeze
— you know Bill, something kinder

40

A TENDERFOOT

like geese pimples go scooting up
your backbone and end in the roots
of your hair — well, thats the same
feeling that nabs you when you get
your first sight of a California poppy
field. Like a hungry kid in a pie
factory, your eyes get bigger and
bigger as you drop down in a field
of these golden blossoms, and pick
and pick and keep on picking, hurry-
ing as fast as you can, for fear the
other fellar will get a bigger bunch
than you do. There aint no strings
on 'em — you're welcome to pick all
you can carry away.

This last dont apply to the golden
beauties on trees — California oranges.
To these you are not welcome, not
even if it would give you the pleasure
of saying "you picked them off the

41

A TENDERFOOT

trees yourself," which means a whole
lot to an easterner, who only sees
oranges wrapped up in tissue paper,
for sale back home.

You know, its a surprise to me
that these Californians who are eter-
nally hooping up the glorious climate,
on paper and otherwise, and spending
a whole lot of money shipping East
printed folders by the carload, to get
the California Bee, buzzing in your
head, until you'd almost give the
farm away to get rid of it — you want
to go to California so bad — you
know, its a wonder to me that some
of the fellars that have the most say
so in the Angel City, dont buy an
orange grove at some bargain sale
price, and allow all tourists holding
return tickets East, the privilege of

42

A TENDERFOOT

going into a real orange grove and
picking, say, half a dozen oranges,
all by themselves.

That would be the biggest adver-
tisement Los Angeles ever dreamed
of, and it would beat reading over a
lot of some other fellars ideas, all to
holler.

New Years day I went over to
Pasadena to the Tournament of Roses.
This is a " doings" held in the Crown
City every year, and the natives and
tourists for miles around come to
admire the show. Just why it is
called the Tournament of Roses, I
dont know. To be sure, there are
some roses, more carnations, and
mostly geraniums. But right here
let me say that the geraniums in
California, are the finest flowers you

43

A TENDERFOOT

ever set eyes on. By gum, they are
prettier than half tlje roses back
home, for the bunches of blossoms
on each stalk are as big as my two
fists, and the color of 'em is away
beyond anything I can describe to you.

A hedge of these scarlet beauties
beat a hedge of bum roses any time
and any where, even back home in
Illinois.

Them's my sentiments, only dont
let the editor of the home paper get
hold of it. Bill.

I owe him a little money and I
dont want to get him riled up.

The floats were all right, and some
pretty girls, a few, were mixed in
among the flowers, but Los Angeles
flowers and Los Angeles girls knock
'em all to holler.

44

A TENDERFOOT

The Tournament or the flowers
or the girls aint a smell side of the
Fiesta the Angel City hands out to
visitors each year in May. It's the
prettiest thing you could ever dream
about, Bill, and that aint no printed
folder talk either.

I've seen tw^o of 'em and hope to
see a good many more before I die.
In some few ways Pasadena is ahead
of Los Angeles. Its the only spot
in the country whose citizens, as a
whole, think there is no place like
it. A while back they had a revival
meeting in town.

There was a good sized attendance
and after they had all got pretty well
worked up, the preacher shouted,
"Now all you folks that want to go
to Heaven, stand up."

45

A TENDERFOOT

All jumped to their feet, except
one little fellar, who stuck his hands
in his pockets, and kept his seat.

The preacher looked at him mighty
hard and called out,

"Do you mean to tell me you
dont want to go to Heaven?'*

"Nope," he answered, "Pasadena
is good enough for me."

And that is about the way they all
feel that live here — good enough for
them.

I heard one of *em say once he'd
rather be a California jackrabbit, than
a New York millionaire.

46

WHEN EAST COA4ES WEST

CHAPTER V

HE N. E. A. was
out here a year
or so ago, and they certainly
had a great time. They were
^^^^^. all in on anything that was
free, and almost everything was open
to them, and no questions asked. A
fellar that runs a tamale wagon told
me a good story about them while
they were here, and I'll tell it to you.
A bunch of women members went
into a cheap popular resturant, where

49

A TENDERFOOT

a full meal is only ten cents. The
leader told the boss, as about seven
of them filed in, that they were
"tourists."

"Needn't a told me," he grunted.

"And we are here with the N. E.
A.," was added.

"Sure," he said, without taking
any interest.

"We would like to patronize your
resturant," she continued.

" All right," he said, looking out
of the window.

"We shall remain here about two
weeks, and if we come here we would
like to get rates."

" Rates ? On a ten cent meal ?
Soup, meat, vegetables, ice cream and
coffee? Say woman, I've seen cheap
guys in pants, but a female what will

50

A TENDERFOOT

ask for rates in a ten cent hash house,
is the limit. You beat the female
that came in here yesterday, and told
the waitress that she came out here
with a ten dollar bill and only one
undershirt, and she didnt intend to
change either one of 'em until she
got home. Rates on a ten cent
meal ? Nix ! Vamoose ! " and they
were glad to vamoose, which means
"hike" in California, Bill.

51

LOS ANGELES STREETS

CHAPTER VI

GOT into Los
Angeles in ample
time to go through their an-
nual tearing up period.
^^J( You know, there is some-
thing funny about this. Just as soon
as winter comes, Los Angeles begins
to tear up its streets from one end to
the other.

All summer long, when mighty
few strangers are in town, there is
nothing doing. But just as sure as

55

A TENDERFOOT

fine sunshiny weather begins, then an
army of dagos and greezers march
forth, and proceed to dig up every
blamed street in town.

It is just the same, year in and
year out. Its got to be a joke with
the tourists, for Los Angeles wouldnt
look natural to 'em, when they come
out to spend the winter, if the whole
shopping district wasnt well nigh im-
passable.

They will finish putting down a
macadamized street one day, and by
jingo, during the following night, I'll
be hanged if some fellar hasnt figured
out how to tear it up. Needn't take
my word for it. Bill.

Here's another fellar kicking
through the columns of a Los
Angeles paper.

56

A TENDERFOOT

SPEED THE DAY!

Will there ever come a season,
When the workmen will abstain

From ripping loose the asphalt
On Broadway, Spring and Main?

Speed the happy, gladsome morning,
When with joy our brimming cup

Will slop over, with this edict:

DO NOT TEAR
THIS

PAVEMENT UP!

After you've cussed yourself sick,
trying to squirm your way under
horses' noses and women's four-story
hats — falling over a couple of hun-
dred little wooden saw-horses the
workmen stick up any old place in
the middle of the street, while they
patch up a few dozen holes — go and
hire an automobile at $4.00 per hour

57

A TENDERFOOT

( — yep, they soak you that much in
the Angel City) and take a ride out
into the country or through the
beautiful residence portion of the
town.

The country and residence por-
tion is all right — glorious sunshine and
views, and the finest, clearest air that
ever dusted out the cobwebs in your
lungs, but suffering Peter, the roads
— the roads ! ! Bill, I never worked
so hard and paid S4.00 an hour for
the privilege of doing so, in all my
life — never !

We hit every chuck hole from
Pasadena to the ocean. Now, when
I tell you this, it means a whole lot
more to me, than it does to you, for
it is a sore subject to look back on, I
tell you.

58

A TENDERFOOT

They have more varieties of
"Bullyvards" around Los Angeles,
than that man Heinz has pickles —
57 varieties wouldnt cover 'em.

There are little holes and big holes,
long holes and short holes, holes you
fall in all over, and the kind you
pull in after you, on your way down.
There are mud holes, water holes, oil
holes, dust holes, in fact. Bill, every
known variety of chuck holes you
ever thought of, can be found in and
around Los Angeles.

And mud?

You have to spell the Los Angeles
kind M-u-d-d, to have anyone half
realize the meaning of the word.

Some of the wholesale streets of
Los Angeles can boast of mud that
will reach the hub of any ordinary

59

A TENDERFOOT

wagon, Aliso, Alameda and Los
Angeles Streets being the worst.

The Suburban cars have to pass
through these streets, on the way to
Los Angeles. I heard a native and a
tenderfoot talking on a Pasadena car
one day, while the car was going
through Aliso street.

The native was telling what a great
and wonderful city Los Angeles was
— all true, every word of it.

While he was talking, he happened
to get a side view of the quiet listen-
ers face. He saw that his eyes and
mouth were wide open in amazement
at the numerous mud-stuck wagons by
the side of the road, and quickly said,

"You see, we Californians never
dreamed Los Angeles would be such a
big city — never dreamed it ! "

60

A TENDERFOOT

And the little fellar answered,
"Wall, stranger, its about time for
some one to box your ears and tell
you to wake up."

6i

MT. LOWE

CHAPTER VII

S all tenderfeet are

expected to do, I

__ took the trip up Mt. Lowe.

Its all right, that trip is, ex-

*ij^fc^^- cept that it makes you feel
that if you ever get down on the level
again you'll go to church a little
oftener, and be prepared for the next
world.

By gum, there are spots on that
trip, and then some!

I went up with a fellar named

65

A TENDERFOOT

Smith, and as we got half way up
that blamed incline, I got to thinking
pretty hard.

You see. Bill, at the bottom of
that incline, there's a solid wall of
rock, fifty feet high, not more than
twenty-five feet from where those
cable cars stop.

Yes-sir-ree, I got to thinking that
if anything busted, and we shot back
down hill, they would never be able
to tell which was me and which was
Smith when they gathered us up to
ship back East in the baggage car.

You bet I kept my mouth shut
and I guess I held my breath too,
for someway I kinder felt that too
much laughing and loud talking
would jar that dinky car and mebbe
loosen something.

66

A TENDERFOOT

I was mighty glad when I reached
level ground at the top of the incline.

Then began a foot race for another
dinky car, a bobbed tail electric this
time, that takes you on further up
the mountain to Mt. Lowe. There
were about seventy-five people all
trying at once to get into one lone-
some little car, that groaned with only
twenty-five aboard, but they all got
on somehow or somewhere, and the
rest of the ride we wiggled up and
down, in and out, around corners and
across squeaking little bridges, that
looked like they'd go down for a
cent and a half, and all the time
everybody was "oh-ing" and "ah-
ing" and no wonder.

Say Bill, if you ever get to Cali-
fornia, dont miss this trip. They

67

A TENDERFOOT

skin you on the price of it, all right,
but its the most satisfying "skinning"
I've had since I came out here.

Be sure and take your mother-in-
law along. Bill, and halfway up that
incline, if there's anything on earth
you want, ask her for it, while you
are hanging onto the side of the
mountain at an angle of 65 degrees.

You'll get it all right, if she's got
wind enough left to say, "Yep!"

68

THEATERS

rft^i;^ jiv CHAPTER VIII

OS ANGELES

has a lot of thea-
ters all the way from 5 cents
to $2.50 a seat. I took in
more of the 5 cent kind than
the $2.50 variety.

There are two Opera Houses in
town, one on Main Street and one
on Broadway, and you get a good deal
more for your money at the Main
Street show, than at the other.

I blew myself just once for the

71

A TENDERFOOT

2.50 a seat kind, and how they
could have the nerve to charge it for
what was handed out that night, is
more than I can tell.

The only thing I remember, worth
remembering at that Broadway Opera
House, were two white cardboard
signs 3x5 feet, one on each side of
the house, where everybody up stairs,
down stairs and in the " lady's
chamber*' could read them, saying,

NOTICE

DONT SPIT ON THESE FLOORS

They say they are great spitters,
these Californians — mebbe they are,
I dont know.

They also have little metal boxes
on the back of each seat, and by put-

72

A TENDERFOOT

ting in a dime, out pops a box of candy
— mebbe !

By gum, I played that machine in
front of me, three times — thirty cents
— and nothing happened. So I tried
the next one, and got a box of choc-
olates, that, honest, Bill, if one of 'em
hit you, it would knock you down.

They had been there, well, some
fellar said, since the Opera House was
built. I dont know. I gave them
to a kid in front of me that had the
"wiggles" and they kept him busy
the rest of the show.

They say a Los Angeles man will
sell everything he owns if he can get
his price for it, and b'gosh, I be-
lieve it.

Yes sir, everything he owns, ex-
cept his wife, and between you and

n

A TENDERFOOT

me, Bill, many a poor hen pecked
man looks over the exchange column
to find some other fellar, who like
himself, is ready and anxious to make
a trade in that line, on any old terms
to suit.

Los Angeles is a great town for
"swaps."

The papers every Sunday are full
of 'em.

They'll swap anything from a half
worn out tooth brush or a moth eaten
angora cat, to a ten acre orange grove
with a nine thousand dollar mortgage
on it, and some of 'em would sell
the shirt on their back, if they could
make a profit on it.

You know. Bill, I believe you
could even make a good trade on your
mother-in-law out here — nothing

74

A TENDERFOOT

like trying, better bring her along,
and trade her for a good setting of
Rhode Island Reds.

Of course that might seem awful
cheap for her, but old hens aint
worth much out here — market is
overstocked, and besides, Californians
aint looking for trouble.

75

h

^

A

{ ^

THROUGH TOURISTS' GLASSES

1

)

CHAPTER IX

HEARD two

tenderfeet talk-
ing on the way up town from
the depot the other day.

At almost every street
corner in Los Angeles, you'll find
little tamale wagons standing.

One fellar saw the sign, " Tamales "
and asked the other one what they
were.

"Oh, they're a kind of bird they
have out here," he said, looking very

79

A TENDERFOOT

wise — and to the conductor as he
passed through the car, said "We
want to get off at Fig — Fig —
Fig-"

"Figueroa Street," jerked out the
conductor, and the tourist nodded
wearily, as he grunted something
about "the damned dago names out
here, anyway."

Speaking of street cars. Bill, I've
got to give Los Angeles the whole
palm tree for having the finest street
car service in the country.

There are more cars, going in more
directions, than you can imagine, and
they also have more home made rules,
than any street car company in the
country.

When tourists come to town they
sit up and take notice of the wonder-

80

A TENDERFOOT

ful breed of street car conductors Los
Angeles is blessed (?) with.

If you should forget to ask for a
transfer the minute you drop a nickel
into the dirtiest paw you ever saw on
a man, then you've paid your way
into the circus, and the fun begins.

If the passenger happens to be a
big fellar, and could without any ef-
fort knock the smart conductor down,
he'll only get a hard look and his
transfer — if its a little fellar, that
couldn't lick a fly that was stuck on
sticky fly paper, he'll shrivel him up
to the size of a peanut in just about
two seconds.

If its a woman, and a fat and sassy
one, he'll kinder back off and tell her
to ask for her transfer when she pays
her fare, and all he'll get out of it, is

8i

A TENDERFOOT

"Aw gwan, yer pipe's out"! and
he'll meekly hand out the paper.

But the tired little woman, with a
lot of "cash and no delivery" gro-
ceries piled up in her lap, who is
getting home from work, and who
is so done up, she hasnt got life
enough left in her to care whether a
man smokes in her face or not — she
gets hers in bunches, and then some.

After he has jawed until his tongue
aches, and has spit out everything he
has in his mouth, except a big chew
of tobacco, he shoves the transfer
under her nose, and leaves her won-
dering why the good Lord ever made
such a thing and called it " Man."

The other day I heard a smart aleck
say to a woman passenger, " I dont re-
member getting any fare from you."

82

A TENDERFOOT

"Dont you," she snapped back,
"Wall / do, but I dont remember
seeing you ring it up ! "

He didnt have anything further
to say, and went back and knocked
down a few more fares.

83

HOLLYWOOD AND BALDWIN'S
RANCH

CHAPTER X

OLLYWOOD is

another mighty
pretty place just out of Los
Angeles.
-M_ Beautiful homes and well
kept places are plentiful there.

Of course the town has its draw-
backs— all little towns that are run by
some of its prominent citizens, do
have.

Say, Bill, you have to get a pre-
scription from the doctor, before you

87

A TENDERFOOT

can use cider vinegar on your beans,
in Hollywood.

Fact!

Cant even drink home made
"Hires Root Beer" in your ovv^n
house unless you ask a trustee about
it, and honest, he'll help you drink a
bottle of it, and then haul you off to
jail for treating him.

Now out at Lucky Baldwin's
Ranch its different.

Everybody knows of Baldwin's
Ranch and the town of Arcadia he's
laid out.

If I was a poet. Bill, I could write
poetry about Baldwin's Ranch, but I
aint, so let it go at that.

You can drive for miles and miles
in any direction, and they'll tell you,
you are still in Baldwin's Ranch.

88

A TENDERFOOT

They make the finest apricot
brandy out there, and sell the best
beer, I've tasted in many a day.

You dont have to get a doctor's
prescription to get a glass of it, either
— you may need a doctor before
you've been there very long, for
everything is open house at Baldv^in's,
and its "eat, drink and be merry" in
Arcadia.

He's got a race track, called Santa
Anita Park, thats worth travelling
some to see. Its big and broad in
every way, just as everything else is
the old man has a hand in.

I believe the view from that grand
stand cant be beaten on earth, and it
must tickle the old fellar to look
over it and say " Its all mine."

They say it was the dream of his

89

A TENDERFOOT

life to have the finest race track in the
country, and his dream sure has come
true.

Yep, I won instead of lost, the day
I went out to see the ponies run — »
mebbe things out there wouldnt have
looked so fine to me, if I had come
home busted.

90

CALIFORNIA YARNS

CHAPTER XI

OU know. Bill,
California has the
^ name of being the home of
the biggest liars on earth, but
M^>^ that dont mean the " birth-
place" of 'em, b'gosh.

When you come to think of it,
most of the people out here came
from the East and they are the ones
that are doing the lying, not the
natives.

Old Sam Watkins, who used to be

93

A TENDERFOOT

a deacon in the church back home,
and led all the prayer meetings, and
took up the collections — he's been
out here for five years, and by gum,
of all the liars I've run across in
California, he takes the whole
bakery.

He told me more double-back-
action lies in five minutes, than you
could count on both hands, and feet,
too, and sir, he never turned a hair
doing it.

When he told me about " oysters
grov^ing on trees" out here, some-
w^here, I had to say, " Why, Samuel !
How can you lie so! '*

He says its a fact !

Mebbe it is — I dont know.

He also told me of a fellar out here,
who planted some pumkin seeds, and

94

A TENDERFOOT

by gum, before he could get up off
his knees, and run, the vines came up
and choked him to death.

Well, now you know, Bill, when a
deacon of a church, tells you such
fairy tales as that, you can imagine
what an every day citizen of Los
Angeles can fire at you.

He told me one more.

Once when they had a thunder
storm out here, the lightening struck
a mother hen, with eight little chicks
under her, and killed ever)? blamed
one of 'em, but never hurt the old
hen a bit.

By gum, now I come to think of
it, I'll bet a doughnut, that was the
very old hen I had served to me one
day, out at Casa Verdugo, for a spring
chicken. Casa Verdugo is a mighty

95

A TENDERFOOT

swell Spanish resturant, just out side
of Los Angeles.

No-sir-ree, thunder and lightening
wouldnt have any effect on that hen,
for I tried every thing from a pocket
knife to a saw, I tipped the waiter
for, and then couldnt see where I
had made any headway, even on the
white meat.

After I'd sweat so you could wring
out my undershirt, I gave up, and
ordered some tamales.

I got 'em, and they were bully
but only those who have eaten "hot
tamales," at Casa Verdugo, will un-
derstand and marvel how I could have
lived to tell the tale, when I say I
ate six of 'em, before I threw up my
hands and told the waiter to turn on
the hose.

96

A TENDERFOOT

If the place that never freezes over,
is any hotter than those tamales were,
I'm going to travel the "straight and
narrow path," mighty carefully the
rest of my days.

I aint going to take any chances —
no-sir-ree.

I'll send one home for your
mother-in-law, Bill. Put in a little
extra cayenne pepper, and a dash of
Tobasco sauce, — as the cook books
say — then take a trip out of town for
a few days, until the hot spell blows
over.

One of 'em ought to bring on paral-
ysis of the tongue — still — I know
you've tried everything, and nothing
seems to work, in her case.

97

BARGAIN SALES

I'^in^ CHAPTER XII

OS ANGELES

is the greatest
town for bargain sales. One
store or another, has 'em every
Jl^^ day out here.
I got into the middle of a stocking
sale once, and when I got out, and
took account of stock, I didnt have
all the clothes on I started in with,
but I had two pairs of women's polka
dotted stockings wound around my
neck, and another pair in my pocket.

lOI

A TENDERFOOT

Its a wonder I wasnt arrested for
shop-lifting.

I never saw such actions in all my
life. Bill. Women, big and little,
grabbed and pulled and hauled, and
grunted and groaned, and seesawed
back and forth, each one trying to
spend some poor devil-of-a-husbands'
hard earned dollars, while he was
racing around town trying to " do "
some other poor devil, to make both
ends meet. Mebbe the hat he wore
was last years and his shoes were out
at the sides, and run down at the
heels, but his wife was a close buyer
and would, no doubt, bring him home
a pair of light green socks, embroid-
ered in yellow polka dots.

In the scramble, one woman got
hold of a single stocking, and another

102

A TENDERFOOT

woman side of her, got hold of the
mate to it, and a few jerks pulled
them apart.

And do you think either woman
would give up her stocking?

Not much !

The clerk called the floor walker
and he called the manager, but there
was nothing doing. One of 'em said
"she wouldnt let that piefaced female
have that stocking if they called the
police."

So they each paid for one stocking
and kept it.

One woman bought seventeen pairs.

"A woman cant have too many
pairs of stockings," I heard her say.
"This nasty yellow pair, I'll save
until next Christmas and give 'em to
Mrs. Brown, to pay her for that old

103

A TENDERFOOT

ten cent handkerchief she sent me last
Christmas."

Think of it. Bill — seventeen pairs
of stockings these hard times — I'm
glad I aint married, b'gosh.

The Angel City has plenty of
mighty fine stores, barring a few
whose bargain sales (in big red letters)
are carried on midway a dinky little
entrance door, where customers have
to crowd and push their way through
a bunch of half baked females buying
real lace at 2 cents a yard.

For a solid half hour, these women
will stand, first on one foot and then
on the other, hanging onto their bar-
gain like a bull pup to an unwelcome
pair of pants, waiting for a not over
bright, gum chewing girl, who is
frantically trying to add up nine times

104

A TENDERFOOT

two, while she chews off the end of
her lead pencil, and lifts her rat up an
inch or two higher at the same time.

Oh, I tell you Bill, its all very well
to make fun of women going to bar-
gain sales. If they do get a bargain,
by gum, they earn it.

Just one genuine bargain sale would
lay out any strong man in about thirty
seconds, and yet a frail and delicate
woman, who cant possibly do her
own housework, will get up before
daylight so she can be down to the
stores before the doors open, and for
two mortal hours, she'll push and
shove and squirm her way through a
barricade of bargain crazy females,
the sight of which would turn back
a crowd of husky football players
any day.

los

A TENDERFOOT

Packed in like sardines, around a
2x4 table, grandmothers and grand-
children, wedged in three and four
deep, are panting and struggling, as
they blindly push an arm through a
small opening and grab hold of any-
thing they can reach on the table.

Whatever they grab, they hold
onto, for fear they wont get hold of
anything else.

And when they get it home, and
come to their senses, they wonder
what in thunder they bought it for,
anyway. The poor over worked
husband uses a stronger word than
"thunder," but her word means just
as much to her. Bill, and its more
ladylike.

And for a free sample of " Zee-
Nut" she will charge to the front of

106

A TENDERFOOT

an army of wild-eyed females, who
like herself cant see a sign with the
word "Free" on it without stopping.

You never saw a woman get three
feet beyond a "Free" sign. Bill,
without turning around and going
back, to ask, "What is?"

No-sir-ree.

Its just as impossible for her to do
it, as it is for her to rub her eye,
without opening her mouth at the
same time.

They have to do it.

Zee-Nut is a Los Angeles produc-
tion, and only one of the many good
things she has a right to swell up
over. Its a mixture of popcorn,
cocoanut and honey, and will shut up
a snarling kid, and take the kinks out
of a mean disposition, at the first bite.

107

A TENDERFOOT

True, I broke a tooth off once,
eating some of it, but a ** Didnt hurt
a bit," dentist, whose smiling face Fd
know if I met it in a custard pie, in
a "come-back" resturant — dug out
the roots for me, and didnt hurt a bit
— mebbe !

Once when I felt he had gone
down about three feet, and was still
going, I asked him if he thought he
was boring for oil, or just digging
post holes.

That fellar ought to strike oil some
day, for he certainly wasnt afraid of
work.

I'll bet, Bill, if he ever finds a
fellar with a big enough mouth, he'll
get into it with a pick and shovel and
locate some mining claims before he
quits.

io8

ARROWHEAD HOT SPRINGS

CHAPTER XIII

RROWHEAD
Hot Springs is
another place I visited.

Its a beautiful spot — aint
«^^J^^:s- no place up there to spend
your money, except to give it to the
landlord, and anyone else standing
around. Funny — the hotel folder
reads, "No tips allowed. Any em-
ployee accepting same will be fired."
But they were all fire proof, I found.
No, there aint much excitement

III

A TENDERFOOT

up there. Its a fine place to sleep,
Bill, if they'd let you. But they
wake you up before daylight with
ding-dong bells, like they do at some
Sparring place in Europe, when you'd
give your old hat to sleep until noon,
and shorten up the day a little. If
you follow the doctors orders, you
must go down before breakfast and
drink from the babbling brook. That
water certainly does babble, all right.
In fact, it talks right out loud. And
it spells "Bad Eggs" very plainly
even if you was blind and couldnt
read.

By gum. Bill, you have to hold
your nose to get any where near the
dipper.

The water is scalding hot, and they
said you could boil an egg in it.

112

A TENDERFOOT

Some one certainly must have cor-
nered a whole hen yard once and
dumped hen fruit in by the car load.

Of course they didnt, Bill, but I'm
only trying to give you a faint idea
of how bad that water smells.

The Arrowhead itself is worth
going miles to see, and some day the
hotel people will make every tourist
that arrives put on blinders and charge
'em two bits for a view of it.

"3

SOME THINGS I BOUGHT IN
LOS ANGELES

CHAPTER XIV

BOUGHT a set
of monkey trip-
lets in a Japanese store for
two bits.
ft* Two bits, Bill, is Califor-
nese for twenty-five cents.

I got bit on 'em, too, for they sold
'em as low as five cents a set, later in
the season, and at last gave 'em away
with a package of Japanese incense.

Now, Japanese incense. Bill, is a
lot of stuff pressed together hard, like

117

A TENDERFOOT

Spratts Dog Biscuits, only in smaller
doses, thank goodness, and it is sup-
posed to smell mighty fine when you
burn it, but suffering Peter — a pile of
rubbish burning in a Westlake alley,
is a bunch of violets compared to it.

Glue, old rubber boots, out of date
eggs, last years hamburger and over
ripe limburger — all these and a few-
more, were never in their most
"smelly" days, guilty of "acting
up," like real Japanese incense burn-
ing.

These little monkeys I bought,
come in all sizes, from the little baby
monks, to the old grandaddies. They
all sit up in a row, three of 'em, and
one has his hands over his ears, the
second covering his eyes, and the
third has his hands over his mouth.

ii8

A TENDERFOOT

I say " his," Bill, because they
must certainly be boy monkeys — a
girl monkey, would never live long
enough to have her first picture made,
if she had to close her mouth, and
her ears, and her eyes. You know
that yourself, Bill.

I asked the grinning Jap, I bought
'em of, what they were up to. All
I could get out of him was, that they
were the "three wise monkeys," and
meant, " I hear no evil, see no evil,
and speak no evil."

Mebbe they dont — I dont know.

I also bought a flea scratcher, at the
same store.

Never heard of one, did you .?

Waal, they are little carved ivory
hands about as big as a half dollar,
with the fingers drawn up, ready for

119

A TENDERFOOT

business. They are on the end of a
long stick, and the trick is, to slide it
up and down between the shoulder
blades, and along your back bone,
turning the gentleman over before he
has bored a hole clean through you.
They tell you in Los Angeles, that the
people down in San Diego couldn't
live without 'em.

They are fashionable down there,
and I heard that some of the society
leaders gave "scratcher" parties, the
most graceful handler of the scratcher,
winning the prize.

When you are in San Diego, they'll
tell you this same story on Los An-
geles.

With the exception of San Fran-
cisco, San Diego and Los Angeles
love each other more than any two

120

A TENDERFOOT

towns I've run across. Cant say
enough about each other, while San
Francisco and Los Angeles love so
strongly, they could eat each other
up.

Speaking of fleas, you know. Bill,
there are some people in this world
who are so blamed mean, a flea
wouldnt bite 'em.

I met the meanest man in Cali-
fornia the other day, and if I ever set
eyes on him again, I'll bust him up
in business, buying arnica and court
plaster.

That man told me the very first
chance I got, to pick a ripe olive and
eat it.

I did.

All I've got to say is, if ever I lay
my hands on that critter, it will take

121

A TENDERFOOT

him longer to close his face than it
did me, after I ate one of 'em.

There are some things in this world
that seem to stick right in your throat,
no matter how much you swallow
over 'em and I'll bet, I'll never be
able to get the taste of that olive, be-
low my wind-pipe. I'll send a couple
of 'em home. Bill, — give 'em to your
mother-in-law, and tell her to put *em
both in her mouth at once — that they
have to be eaten in pairs, and if she
lives through it, and still believes in
you, she'll stand by you till your
money gives out.

122

JUST DREAMING

CHAPTER XV

ILL, didnt some
fellar ask another
fellar once, " what was more
rare than a day in June ? "
I* If he'd asked me, I'd told
him, "a winter in Los Angeles."

If there's any place nearer Heaven
on this earth, than a sunny winter day
in Southern California, when as far
as you can see, the grass is like a great
green rug, and flowers of every color
and kind, are in bloom — when you

125

A TENDERFOOT

can take your back home papers out
under a big oak tree and lie down and
read of some poor devil freezing to
death, in a down-east blizzard — if
there's any place. Bill, that can hold
a candle to it on this earth, or any
other, yours truly dont want to know
of it.

Like the little fellar from Pasadena,
this is good enough for your Uncle
Eben.

If you didnt have a calendar in
your vest pocket, and didnt see a
newspaper every day, you'd forget
what month it is out here.

To-day is the 9th of March, and
its so hot. Bill, that if I was a dog,
my tongue would be hanging out,
and you could hear me pant clear
across the street.

126

A TENDERFOOT

There's a little spot near Los An-
geles called Oneonta Park, named by
the big fellar Huntington and owned
by him, too. His home place is
called Oneonta, back in York state,
and he gave this beauty spot the same
name.

If the good people back in the
original Oneonta could wake up some
warm sunny morning in midwinter,
and find themselves in the midst of
roses and orange blossoms stretching
out as far as they can see, instead of
ice and snow, likewise stretching out
further than they wish they could see
— they would wonder why Hunting-
ton didnt call it Paradise for want of
a better name, for it must have made
him think of home — its so different.
Bill.

127

A TENDERFOOT

Wonder where the fellar was lo-
cated, that wrote the song called,
" Listen to the Nightingale." He
wouldnt had to worked so hard, if
he'd been sitting here under this old
oak tree with me. He would have
had to put on the brakes, to keep
from writing too many verses, for he
couldnt have told it all in one or two.

Now, I'd kinder like to write a
song called, "Listen to the Turtle
Doves," for there are twenty of 'em
in the branches over my head, hold-
ing a concert with the same number
of mocking birds, and I'll bet my
bottom dollar, I could kill enough
quail — if I was mean enough — within
a hundred feet of me, to be arrested
for having too many in my possession.

These quail are so tame. Bill, they

128

A TENDERFOOT

seem more like pigeons out in the
barn-yard back home.

This aint no lie.

You know yourself, I aint been
out here long enough to get this ever-
lasting lying desease in my system,
and I'm willing to sit on top of a
whole Bible factory and say what
I've written is the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but. I mav be
getting a little daffy on California,
Bill, but there are two things I havn't
got yet — bitten by a tarantula or
acclimated.

From some half baked farmers back
home, who came to see me, when
they heard I was going "clear way
out to Californy," I expected to be
dodging tarantulas the biggest part of

the time.

129

A TENDERFOOT

One of 'em heard they crawled
into bed with you — another that
you'd find 'em in your boots in the
morning and that if you didnt shake
your boots hard before you put 'em
on they'd bite your big toe and you'd
have to have your toe cut off, or turn
'em up for good and all.

The first night, when the fleas got
after me, I thought of old Slim
Peters, and remembered he said to
take my jack knife and cut the toe
off, just as soon as I felt the sting.

But when I started to get it, I
remembered again, I traded it to an
Indian on the way out to California
for a string of glass beads and that
was the only thing, I guess, that
saved my toe.

I havent seen a tarantula yet. Bill,

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A TENDERFOOT

hard as I've hunted — only stuffed
ones in the stores. But I'm still
hunting, for I've made up my mind
to find one or bust, and I'll send it
home to Slim Peters, C. O. D., when
I do.

The natives tell you it takes a year
to get acclimated — that means. Bill,
getting the "back East" out of you,
and the " California" into you. This
has to happen to every one that stays
here, just as the mumps and the
measles are bound to come to every
youngster, before he's been on earth
very long.

There are so many things to make
you wish you was young again, out
here. When I was a young fellar
and took the girls home from prayer
meetings and quilting parties, I re-

131

A TENDERFOOT

member I used to think I was a
pretty gay boy with the girls and I
kinder "took" with 'em, cutting out
many a "steady" in those days, and I
used to think the whole secret of it
laid in my carrying the girls boquets
of Canterberry Bells and Sweet
Williams.

That's the only kind of posies
there was in the old garden at home,
but what a wonderful chance a fellar
in California has, to court a girl!

Flowers are dirt cheap everywhere,
and Bill, its good for sore eyes to get
a squint at the baskets of flowers you
can see any day on the street corners
of Los Angeles.

Carnations, all colors, for ten cents
a dozen — think of it, and this in mid-
winter, when back home you folks

132

A TENDERFOOT

are wading through snow up to your
suspender buttons, and blowing your
stiff old fingers until your wind gives
out.

And they grow out of doors, acres
of 'em, and in the sweet pea fields,
they mow 'em down for market in-
stead of cutting 'em. Life is too
short to count 'em — one — two —
three ; there are millions of 'em and
violets — you just never saw such a
sight !

Solid banks of these purple blos-
soms are tucked into vacant spaces,
up against the buildings, everywhere
throughout the business district, and
only five cents for a generous bunch,
while each blossom is as big as a
quarter, and has a stem on it a quarter
of a yard long.

133

A TENDERFOOT

You neednt snicker, Bill, at what
I've just said, for it's the truth, cross
my heart. I know what I said about
the biggest liars coming from back
East, but you know me, Bill, and you
know I've never lied to you yet, ex-
cepting on that horse trade last sum-
mer. These baskets of flowers on
the street corners in the middle of
winter, are the biggest boost to the
Angel City it could possibly have.
They speak louder to " the stranger
within the gates," than all the printed
stuff the Chamber of Commerce
could hand out in a year.

Nothing but sunshine and balmy
air can bring forth such glorious
flowers in mid-winter, and the stranger
jots these beautiful sights down in his
memory, and they live and are talked

134

A TENDERFOOT

of for years after, when about every-
thing else he saw in California, is
forgotten. And all the children and
grandchildren for years to come will
pull up to the big fire place, heaped
high with blazing logs — when the
blinds on the old home back East,
are creaking and rattling, and the
unlatched barn door slams bangs as
the fury of a real down east blizzard
strikes it — they'll all creep up, and
pulling their chairs a little nearer, sit
and listen and listen, never tiring of
hearing some member of the family,
who once went ** way out to Califor-
nia," tell the wonderful fairy tales
(that are true) of this land of dreams.

135

CATALINA ISLAND

^ CHAPTER XVI

ATALINA Island
ought to be called
the "Island of Beautiful
Dreams."
W-:^ " Catalina " dont do it jus-
tice. But I bet a cookie whoever
named it took their first trip over to
the island on a rough day, and didnt
feel very flowery.

Catalina is an island out at sea —
way out — and between it and the
mainland, there are more kinds of

139

A TENDERFOOT

tides and currents and swells, than
from here to Europe.

It only takes two hours to make
you feel that life aint so much after
all, and you'd just as soon quit now
as any old time.

Some fellar told me not to miss the
trip, so I took it, and I didnt miss
anything but home and mother all
the way over and back.

Oh, my! Oh, my! Bill, you've seen
how a cork on the end of a fishline
bobs around when a big wave strikes
it, aint you ? Well, that tug-boat I
went over in, had a cork beaten to
death.

It acted more like a bucking bron-
cho than anything I've seen before or
since.

It bucked sideways, and humped

140

A TENDERFOOT

up in the middle, and kicked from all
four corners at the same time.

I dont remember much about the
beautiful view, and I havn't much to
write about the "Grand old ocean"
but I can truthfully say I parted with
everything I had eaten in the last
three years.

I laid down and threw up, and I
stood up and threw down, until the
elastic in my suspenders refused to
work any longer, and I crawled under
a settee and hoped some one would
take pity on me, and knock me in
the head.

There are times in a man's life
when he has had enough, and had it
rubbed in, too. I got mine on that
galloping tug-boat, and I'll bet there
are some of those passengers I went

141

A TENDERFOOT

over with, who are over there yet,
afraid to try it again. They'd rather
buy a lot and build, than to come
back home.

I'd 'a been there yet if I hadnt
found a feller with a hypodermic
syringe, and gave him a couple of
dollars to make me forget my troubles,
and steer me to my room when I
landed in Los Angeles.

On the boat going over, was a bride
and groom. The bride looked very
pretty as she tripped lightly down the
gang-plank, and came aboard at San
Pedro. But when we reached Cata-
lina Island, I managed to pull the
corner of one eye open long enough
to get my bearings, and I saw the
bride again — all that was left of her.
Her beautiful curly locks were sewed

142

A TENDERFOOT

on a piece of tape, and had worked
out from under her own thin hair —
her rats were shifted until they lopped
over her right ear — she had lost most
of her "dear little puffs," in the
bucket on the boat, and a little velvet
bow was swinging, in the breeze, on
the end of a few loose hairs. She
was white as a sheet, and the two
rosy spots on her cheeks — warranted
not to fade when she bought it at the
department store — made her face look
like a Chinese lantern.

The weak kneed groom half car-
ried her through the crowd of gaping
summer visitors, who line up on both
sides of the wharf at Catalina just to
guy the poor seasick things that crawl
off the boats. They guyed us all and
had all the fun they wanted to, with

143

A TENDERFOOT

US — none of us cared, by gum, if
they'd sicked a dog on us. One fellar
hollered at me, " Hey, fatty, go back
and get your hat," but as I had used
my hat when I was in a hurry, before
I could find one of those blamed
buckets, I didnt stop to answer back.

144

HOMESICK

CHAPTER XVII

ALIFORNIA is

called the land
of liowers, and the first fellar
that called it so, was no liar.
He must have been a native
— a truthful man, and likew^ise a
"Booster." You never heard a na
tive knock California — no — sir — ree.
They're always a boosting, and crow-
ing, and swelling out like pouter
pigeons, as soon as they begin to see
us sit up and take notice.

147

A TENDERFOOT

Huh ! dont they love to see our
eyes stick out, and our mouths come
open, while we gap at some of the
glories of California — the land of
sunshine — the land of gold.

And when we get homesick and
say "Good bye, we're going home,"
they only laugh at us — and Bill, its a
kinder mean laugh, too — and they'll
say " Oh, you'll come back, they all
do. I'll give you just six months at
the most, and I'll bet you'll come
back with all your relations, and stay
next time for good."

So they slap you on the back, and
give you a mighty warm handshake
and say,

" Good by, pardner, tell all the
good folks back there to come out
to God's country, and be glad they're

148

A TENDERFOOT

living. Tell 'em they've only got
one life to live, and they're going
through for the last time. Tell 'em
if the Pilgrim Fathers had landed
on the Pacific coast instead of the
Atlantic, little old New York wouldn't
be on the map."

And I'll be hanged. Bill, before
you know it, you're so darned home-
sick you'd give your old trunk if you
hadnt bought your ticket East.

You dont want to go home — you
want to stay!

And when the train pulls out for
back east, and you're on it, b'gosh,
there's something inside of you that
begins to swell up like a sponge, as
you look out of the car window and
see the flowers and orange groves slip-
ping by.

149

A TENDERFOOT

You are only beginning to realize
you are leaving it all, and may never
come back again.

Sure, Bill, a man's a fool to cry,
but I'd 'a dropped a few tears if I
hadn't blown 'em out through my
nose.

And let me add. Bill, as I am tak-
ing one last look out of the car win-
dow, at the fast disappearing, familiar
sights I have learned to love, like a
native born — let me add, God never
fashioned another such wondrous
spot, on the entire surface of this old
earth.

There is only one real land of sun-
shine and its out here where the sun
goes down.

THE END.

J

Los Angeles
This book is DUE on the last date stamped below.

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