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Full text of "The works of William Makepeace Thackeray Volume 19"

THE WORKS OF 



WILLIAM MAKEPEACE 

THACKERAY 



VOLUME XIX 



Novels by Eminent Hands 
and Other Papers 



FIFTY-SIX PHOTOGRAVURES AND 

ILLUSTRATIONS FROM ORIGINAL 

DRAWINGS BY THACKERAY, 

FREDERICK WALKER, R.A., 

GEORGE DU MAURIER, 

FRANK DICKSEE, R.A., 

RICHARD DOYLE, 

ETC. 



P. F. COLLIER & SON 

Publishers New York 



HOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS, 



i Vol. 19 



CONTENTS. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

PAGE 

Punch s Prize Novelists, 3 

George de Barnwell, 4 

Codlingsby, 18 

Lords and Liveries, 32 

Barbazure, 43 

Phil Fogarty, 54 

Crinoline, 70 

The Stars and Stripes, 81 

A Plan for a Prize Novel, 90 



THE DIARY AND LETTERS OF C. JEAMES DE LA 

PLUCHE, 

A Lucky Speculator, 97 

" Jeames of Buckley Square, " 98 

A Letter from " Jeames, of Buckley Square, " . . . . 100 

Jeames s Diary, 104 

Jeames on Time Bargings, 153 

Jeames on the Gauge Question, 157 

Mr. Jeames again, 161 

Mr. Jeames s Sentiments on the Cambridge Election, . . 166 

Sonnick, 169 

The Persecution of British Footmen, 170 

Thoughts on a New Comedy, 180 

THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

CHAPTER 

I. 189 

II. Henry V. and Napoleon III., 195 

III. The Advance of the Pretenders Historical Review, . 201 

IV. The Battle of Rheims, 206 

V. The Battle of Tours, ..... 209 

VI. The English under Jenkins, ... . 215 



IV CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER PAGE 

VII. The Leaguer of Paris, ....... 221 

VIII. The Battle of the Forts, 225 

IX. Louis XVII., . , .227 

A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg, . . , ... . 235 

II. The Godesbergers, . . 240 

III. The Festival, . . . 246 

IV. The Flight, . . . . . . . . .248 

V. The Traitor s Doom, . . . . . . .251 

VI. The Confession, . . . . . . . . 256 

VII. The Sentence, "... 260 

VIII. The Childe of Godesberg, . . . ... .262 

IX. The Lady of Windeck, 273 

X. The Battle of the Bowmen, . . . . . .280 

XI. The Martyr of Love, ....... 286 

XII. The Champion . . .294 

XIII. The Marriage . 301 

SOME PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

I. "Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction," . . .309 
II. Allyghur and Laswaree, 324 

III. A Peep into Spain Account of the Origin and Services 

of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, . . . . . 336 

IV. The Indian Camp The Sortie from the Fort, . . 353 
V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife, . . . 364 

VI. Famine in the Garrison, . . . . . . 369 

VII. The Escape, . . : . . . . . . .377 

VIII. The Captive, . . . . .380 

IX. Surprise of Futtyghur, . . * . . . . 388 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 



PUNCH S PRIZE NOVELISTS. 

PUNCH S Prize Novelists so called because a Twenty 
Thousand Guinea Prize is to be awarded to the successful 
candidate will embrace works by some of the most cele 
brated authors this country boasts of. 

Their tales will appear in succession, and pretty con 
tinuously, in the pages of this Miscellany. 

The publication will probably occupy about five-and- 
thirty years, or more or less, according to the reception 
with which the novels meet from our enlightened patrons 
the generous British people. 

All novels cannot be given entire, as a century would 
scarcely suffice, so numerous are our authors, so prolific and 
so eager has been the rush with stories, when our (confiden 
tial) announcement was sent into the literary world. But 
fair specimens of the authors talents will be laid before the 
public, illustrated in our usual style of gorgeous splendour. 

The first prize will be 20,000 guineas, viz., a lottery 
ticket to that amount, entitling the holder to the above 
sum or a palace at Vienna. The second prize will be the 
volume of Punch for the current half-year. The third a 
subscription to the British and Foreign Institute, etc., etc. 

With a pride and gratification we cannot conceal, we at 
once introduce the public to George de Barnwell, by Sir 
E. L. B. L.BB. LL. BBB. LLL., Bart. 

We are not at liberty to reveal the gifted author s name, 
but the admirers of his works will no doubt recognise, in 
the splendid length of the words, the frequent employment 
of the Beautiful and the Ideal, the brilliant display of 
capitals, the profuse and profound classical learning, and, 
above all, in the announcement that this is to be the last of 
his works one who has delighted us for many years. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 



GEORGE DE BARNWELL. 

In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beauti 
ful, and their offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, 
He is Eternal. He has his Mother s ravishing smile; his 
Father s steadfast eyes. He rises every day, fresh and 
glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever 
young. Dark, dark were this world of ours had either 
Divinity left it dark without the day-beams of the La- 
tonian Charioteer, darker yet without the daedal Smile of 
the God of the Other Bow ! Dost know him, Reader? 

Old is he, Eros, the ever young! He and Time were 
children together. Chronos shall die too; but Love is im 
perishable. Brightest of the Divinities, where hast thou 
not been sung? Other worships pass away; the idols for 
whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling 
and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes 
no longer rise among the quivering olive-groves of Ilissus, 
or crown the emerald islets of the amethyst ^Egean ! These 
are gone, but thou remainest. There is still a garland for 
thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah, many 
a darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Re 
morseless One, and the Poet-Priest who ministers at thy 
Shrine draws his auguries from the bleeding hearts of men ! 

While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease sing 
ing? In Kingly and Heroic ages, twas of Kings and 
Heroes that the Poet spake. But in these, our times, the 
Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The Peo 
ple To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of 
old did the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate 
of the crowned Agamemnon. 

Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? 
Fate, Passion, Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate 
that arms, the Furies that tear, the Love that bleeds, are 
not these with us Still? are not these still the weapons of 






NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 5 

the Artist? the colours of his palette, the chords of his 
lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale not of Kings but of 
Men not of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief and Crime. 
Listen, and but once more. Tis for the last time (prob 
ably) these fingers shall sweep the strings. 

E.L.B.L.B B.L L.B B B.L L L. 



NOONDAY IN CHEPE. 

Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty 
Biver City! its banks well-nigh overflowing with the 
myriad-waved Stream of Man ! The toppling wains, bear 
ing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded equipage 
of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger, vehicle from 
the green metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of 
our Babylon) in which every traveller might, for a modest 
remuneration, take a republican seat; the mercenary ca- 
roche, with its private freight; the brisk curricle of the let 
ter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet; these and a thousand 
others were labouring and pressing onward and locked and 
bound and hustling together in the narrow channel of 
Chepe. The imprecations of the charioteers were terrible. 
From the noble s broidered hammer-cloth, or the driving- 
seat of the common coach, each driver assailed the other 
with floods of ribald satire. The pavid matron within the 
one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pit 
tance) shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to 
his offices (to add another thousand to his heap) thrust his 
head over the blazoned panels, and displayed an eloquence 
of objurgation which his very Menials could not equal; the 
dauntless street urchins, as they gaily threaded the Laby 
rinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of the 
scene, and exacerbated the already furious combatants by 
their poignant infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as 
he regarded the hot strife and struggle of these Candidates 
in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh of the Truthful 
and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene. 

Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. 



6 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

The flaunting windows of the mercers attracted many a 
purchaser : the glittering panes, behind which Birmingham 
had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to pause : 
although only noon, the savory odours of the Cook Shops 
tempted the ever-hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to 
the fragrant potage that mocks the turtle s flavour the 
turtle ! dapibus supremi grata testudo Jovis ! I am an 
Alderman when I think of thee ! Well : it was noon in 
Chepe. 

But were all battling for gain there? Among the many 
brilliant shops whose casements shone upon Chepe, there 
stood one a century back (about which period our tale 
opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce. A rudely 
carved image of a negro with a fantastic plume and apron 
of variegated feathers, decorated the lintel. The East 
and the West had sent their contributions to replenish the 
window. 

The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon 
pyramid of swarthy sugar marked "only 6^d." That catty 
box, on which was the epigraph Strong Family Congo only 
3s. 9d. , was from the country of Conf utzee That heap of 
dark produce bore the legend "Try our Eeal Nut"- Twas 
Cocoa and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has re 
freshed the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher. 
The shop in question was, in a word, a Grocer s. 

In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sate 
one who, to judge from his appearance (though twas a 
difficult task, as in sooth, his back was turned), had just 
reached that happy period of life when the Boy is expand 
ing into the Man. O Youth ! Youth ! Happy and Beau 
tiful! O fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet 
lies on the flowers, ere they have been scorched and with 
ered by Passion s fiery Sun! Immersed in thought or 
study, and indifferent to the din around him, sate the Boy. 
A careless guardian was he of the treasures confided to 
him. The crowd passed in Chepe he never marked it. The 
sun shone on Chepe he only asked that it should illumine 
the page he read. The knave might filch his treasures, he 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 7 

was heedless of the knave. The customer might enter; but 
his book was all in all to him. 

And indeed a customer was there; a little hand was tap 
ping on the counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch 
eyes were gazing at the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly 
proportions through the homely and tightened garments he 
wore. 

" Ahem ! sir ! I say, young man ! " the customer exclaimed. 

"T<md 9 apameibommo3prosephe 9 "TQ&d on the Student, 
his voice choked with emotion. "What language/ he 
said, "How rich, how noble, how sonorous! prosephe 
podas " 

The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and 
cheery, that the young Student could not but turn round, 
and, blushing, for the first time remarked her. " A pretty 
Grocer s boy you are," she cried, " with your applepie- 
bomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kep 
waiting for hever? : 

"Pardon, fair Maiden," said he, with high-bred courtesy; 
" Twas not French I read, twas the Godlike language of 
the blind old bard. In what can I be serviceable to ye, 
lady? and to spring from, his desk, to smooth his apron, 
to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no 
more, was the work of a moment. 

"I might have prigged this box of figs," the damsel said 
good-naturedly, "and you d never have turned round." 

"They came from the country of Hector," the boy said. 
"Would you have currants, lady? These once bloomed in 
the island gardens of the blue ^Egean. They are uncom 
mon fine ones, and the figure is low; they re fourpence- 
halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our 
teas? We do not advertise, as some folks do : but sell as 
low as any other house." 

"You re precious young to have all these good things," 
the girl exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the 
conversation. " If I was you, and stood behind the coun 
ter, I should be eating figs the whole day long." 

"Time was," answered the lad, "and not long since I 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

thought so, too, I thought I never should be tired of figs. 
But my old uncle bade me take my fill, and now in sooth I 
am aweary of them." 

I think you gentlemen are always so," the coquette 
said. 

" Nay, say not so, fair stranger ! " the youth replied, his 
face kindling as he spoke and his eagle eyes flashing fire. 
" Figs pall, but ! the Beautiful never does ! Figs rot, 
but ! the Truthful is eternal. I was born, lady, to grap 
ple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for the 
Visionary. I stand behind the counter; it is true, but I 
ponder here upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the 
thoughts of sages. What is grocery for one who has am 
bition? What sweetness hath Muscovado to him who hath 
tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the 
true Real, and the Actual but a visionary hallucination. 
But pardon me; with what may I serve thee? ? 

1 1 came only for sixpenn orth of tea-dust," the girl said, 
with a faltering voice, " but oh, I should like to hear you 
speak on for ever ! " 

Only for sixpenn orth of tea-dust! Girl, thou earnest 
for other things! Thou lovedst his voice? Syren! what 
was the witchery of thine own? He deftly made up the 
packet and placed it in the little hand. She paid for her 
small purchase and with a farewell glance of her lustrous 
eyes, she left him. She passed slowly through the portal, 
and in a moment more was lost in the crowd. It was noon 
in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was alone. 



VOL. II. 

WE have selected the following episodical chapter in 
preference to any relating to the mere story of George 
Barnwell, with which most readers are familiar. 

Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. 
ii.) the tale is briefly thus: 

That rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 9 

the grocer s shop in Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some 
nutmeg, or some figs, half-a-dozen times in the week. 

She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other 
an eternal attachment. 

This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom 
swells with ambition. His genius breaks out prodigiously. 
He talks about the Good, the Beautiful, the Ideal, etc., 
in and out of all season, and is virtuous and eloquent al 
most beyond belief in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford, 
or E. Aram, Esquires. 

Inspired by Millwood and Love, George robs the till, 
and mingles in the world which he is destined to ornament. 
He outdoes all the dandies, all the wits, all the scholars, 
and all the voluptuaries of the age an indefinite period of 
time between Queen Anne and George II. dines with Cuiil 
at St. John s Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel be 
hind Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the 
Chevalier St. George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous 
pavilion at Hampstead, and likewise in disguise at the 
shop in Cheapside. 

His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon 
with very little taste for the True and the Beautiful, has 
retired from business to the pastoral village in Cambridge 
shire from which the noble Barnwells came. George s 
cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret pas 
sion for him. 

Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensu 
ing brilliant little chapter; but it must be remembered that 
the author wished to present an age at a glance; and the 
dialogue is quite as fine and correct as that in " The Last of 
the Barons" or in "Eugene Aram," or other works of our 
author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True and 
the Beautiful are united. 



10 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 



CHAPTER XXIV. 
BUTTON S IN PALL MALL. 

THOSE who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions 
of Silence which society has raised to Ennui in that Om 
phalos of town, Pall Mall, and which, because they knock 
you down with their dulness, are called Clubs no doubt; 
those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James s Street, 
at a half -score of other dandies gaping from another bay- 
window over the way; those who consult a dreary evening 
paper for news, or satisfy themselves with the jokes of the 
miserable Punchy by way of wit; the men about town of 
the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of Lon 
don some six or eight score years back. Thou pudding- 
sided old dandy of St. Jarnes 3 Street, with thy lackered 
boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy suffocating waistband, 
what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the same quar 
ter? The Brougham from which thou descendest at the 
portal of the Carltoiror the Travellers , is like everybody 
else s; thy black coat has no more plaits, nor buttons, nor 
fancy in it than thy neighbours ; thy hat was made on the 
very block on which Lord Addlepate s was cast, who has 
just entered the Club before thee. You and he yawn to 
gether out of the same omnibus-box every night; you 
fancy yourselves men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves 
men of fashion; you fancy yourselves men of taste; in 
fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy, the newspaper 
legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes, and your 
thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom poor Pall Mall 
dullards. Stupid slaves of the Press, on that ground which 
you at present occupy, there were men of wit and pleasure 
and fashion, some five-and-twenty lustres ago. 

We are at Button s the well-known sign of the Turk s 
Head. The crowd of periwigged heads at the windows 
the swearing chairmen round the steps (the blazoned and 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 11 

coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the lofty rank 
of their owners) the throng of embroidered beaux entering 
or departing and rendering the air fragrant with the odours 
of pulvillio and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort 
of London s Wit and Fashion. It is the corner of Regent 
Street. Carlton House has not yet been taken down. 

A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sip 
ping chocolate at one of the tables in earnest converse with 
a friend whose suit is likewise embroidered, but stained by 
time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A little deformed gentle 
man in iron-grey is reading the Morning Chronicle news 
paper by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and 
a shovel hat and cassock is talking freely with a gentle 
man, whose star and riband, as well as the unmistakable 
beauty of his Phidian countenance, proclaims him to be a 
member of Britain s aristocracy. 

Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy, and 
scrofulous; the other with a wild, careless, beautiful look, 
evidently indicating Kace, are gazing in at the window, not 
merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club, but at Timothy, 
the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite dish, 
the muffin (then newly invented) at the desire of some of 
the revellers within. 

" I would, Sam," said the wild youth to his companion, 
"that I had some of my Mother Macclesfield s gold, to 
enable us to eat of those cates and mingle with yon spring- 
aids and beaux." 

"To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy," said 
the youth addressed as Sam, " might elicit a smile of in 
credulity upon the cheek of the parasite of pleasure; but 
there are moments in life when History fortifies endurance; 
and past study renders present deprivation more bearable. 
If our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution, 
Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we 
desire to-day would little benefit us to-morrow. Poor and 
hungry, as we are, are we less happy, Dick, than yon list 
less voluptuary who banquets on the food which you covet? " 

And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place and 



12 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

past the Parthenon Club-House and disappeared to take a 
meal of cow-heel at a neighbouring cook s shop. Their 
names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage. 

Meanwhile the conversation at Button s was fast and 
brilliant. "By Wood s thirteens, and the divvle go wid 
? em," cried the Church dignitary in the cassock. "Is it in 
blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir Richard, when you 
ought to be in seebles? 

"Who s dead, Dean?" said the nobleman, the dean s 
companion. 

"Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name s 
Jonathan Swift and I m not so sure of that neither, for 
who knows his father s name? there s been a mighty 
cruel rnurther committed entirely. A child of Dick Steele s 
has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered, and 
it s Joe Addison yondther has done it. Ye should have 
killed one of your own, Joe, ye thief of the world." 

" I? " said the amazed and Bight Honourable Joseph 
Addison; "I kill Dick s child! I was God-father to the 
last." 

"And promised a cup and never sent it," Dick ejacu 
lated. Joseph looked grave. 

" The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coveiiey, Knight and 
Baronet. What made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? 
The whole town is in tears about the good knight; all the 
ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning; all the 
booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the 
copies of the Spectator are sold since the death of the brave 
old gentleman." And the Dean of St. Patrick s pulled out 
the Spectator newspaper, containing the well-known pas 
sage regarding Sir Roger s death. "I bought it but now 
in Wellington Street," he said; "the newsboys were howl 
ing all down the Strand." 

; What a miracle is Genius Genius, the Divine and 
Beautiful," said a gentleman leaning against the same fire 
place with the deformed cavalier in iron-grey and address 
ing that individual who was in fact Mr. Alexander Pope, 
"what a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege of 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 13 

Art ! To make the Ideal more credible than the Actual : 
to enchain our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets, 
our tears, for a mere brain -born Emanation : to invest with 
life the Incorporeal, and to glamour the cloudy into sub 
stance these are the lofty privileges of the Poet, if I have 
read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the sounds 
that rang from Homer s lyre, as with the strains which 
celebrate the loss of Belinda s lovely locks, (Mr. Pope 
blushed and bowed, highly delighted) " these, I say, sir, 
are the privileges of the Poet the Poietes the Maker, 
he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot charm 
death into life as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create 
Beauty out of* Naught, and defy Death by rendering 
Thought Eternal! Ho! Jemmy, another flask of Nantz." 

And the boy for he who addressed the most brilliant 
company of wits in Europe was little more emptied the 
contents of the brandy-flask in a silver flagon, and quaffed 
it gaily to the health of the company assembled. Twas 
the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently, and 
with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee 
house, and was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past 
the National Gallery. 

" Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe 
Addison himself in drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest 
toper in the three kingdoms," Dick Steele said good-nat 
uredly. 

" His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou 
sluggard," the Eight Honourable Mr. Addison exclaimed. 
"He is the author of that famous No. 996 for which you 
have all been giving me the credit." 

"The rascal foiled me at capping verses," Dean Swift 

said, " and won a tenpenny piece of me, plague take him ! ; 

He has suggested an emendation in my Homer, 

which proves him a delicate scholar," Mr. Pope exclaimed. 

:< He knows more of the French king than any man I 
have met with; and we must have an eye upon him," said 
Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of State for Foreign 
Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who 



U NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him some 
thing. 

Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who 
had struck all the wits of London with admiration? His 
galloping charger had returned to the City; his splendid 
court-suit was doffed for the citizen s gabardine and grocer s 
humble apron. 

George de Barnwell was in Chepe in Chepe, at the 
knees of Martha Millwood. 



VOL. III. 
THE CONDEMNED CELL. 

" Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Ellinor? Nay," 
George added, a faint smile illumining his wan but noble 
features, " why speak to thee in the accents of the Eoman 
poet, which thou coinprehendest not? Bright One, there 
be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable 
Labyrinth, this Heart on which thou leanest, which are 
equally unintelligible to thee ! Yes, my pretty one, what 
is the Unintelligible but the Ideal; what is the Ideal but 
the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And 
the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like 
Him who wanders by the thina polupliloisboio tkalasses, 
and shrinks awe-struck before that Azure Mystery." 

Emily s eyes filled with fresh gushing dew. "Speak 
on, speak ever thus, my George," she exclaimed. Barn- 
well s chains rattled as the confiding girl clung to him. 
Even Snoggin, the Turnkey, appointed to sit with the 
Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate lan 
guage, and also burst into tears. " You weep, my Snoggin," 
the Boy said, " and why? Hath Life been so charming to 
me that I should wish to retain it? Hath Pleasure no 
after- Weariness? Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; 
and Glory no Mockery? Psha! I am sick of Success, 
palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine, and Wit and nay, 
start not, my Adelaide and Woman. I fling away all 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 15 

these things as the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul s 
Nursery. I am a Man and pine for the Illimitable! 
Mark you me ! Has the Morrow any terrors for me, think 
ye? Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca blench 
in his bath? Did Brutus shirk the sword when his Great 
Stake was lost? Did even weak Cleopatra shrink from the 
Serpent s fatal nip? and why should I? My great Hazard 
hath been played, and I pay my forfeit. Lie sheathed in 
my heart, thou flashing Blade ! Welcome to my Bosom, 
thou faithful Serpent! I hug thee, peace-bearing Image 
of the Eternal ! Ha, the hemlock cup ! Fill high, boy, 
for my soul is thirsty for the Infinite ! Get ready the 
bath, friends; prepare me for the feast of To-morrow 
bathe my limbs in odours and put ointment in my hair." 

"Has for a bath," Snoggin interposed, "they re not to 
be ad in this ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy 
will git you a little hoil for your air. " 

The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. "My 
guardian understands me not, pretty one and thou? what 
sayst thou? from those dear lips methinks plura, sunt 
oscula quam sententice I kiss away thy tears, dove ! they 
will flow apace when I am gone, then they will dry, and 
presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they 
have beamed on poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not 
all forget him, sweet one. He was an honest fellow, and 
had a kindly heart for all the world said " 

"That, that he had," cried the gaoler and the girl in 
voices gurgling with emotion. And you who read! you, 
unconvicted Convict you, murderer, though haply you 
have slain no one you, Felon in posse, if not in esse deal 
gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has 
failed thee and believe that the Truthful and the Beauti 
ful bloom sometimes in the dock and the convict s tawny 
Gabardine ! 

In the matter for which he suffered, George could never 
be brought to acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. 
"It may be an error of judgment," he said to the Vener- 



16 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

able Chaplain of the gaol, "but it is no crime. Were it 
Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no Re 
morse, Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry; therefore, I 
am innocent. Is the proposition a fair one? " 

The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be 
contested. 

"And wherefore, Sir, should I have sorrow," the Boy 
resumed, "for ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a 
man whose very soul was dross, and who never had a feel 
ing for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I stood 
before my uncle in the moonlight in the gardens of the 
ancestral halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that I was the 
Nemesis come to overthrow him. * Dog, I said to the 
trembling slave, tell me where thy Gold is. Thou hast 
no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the Poverty on 
which thoutramplest; in aiding Science, which thou know- 
est not; in uplifting Art, to which thou art blind. Give 
Gold, and thou art free ! But he spake not, and I slew 
him." 

" I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated," 
said the admirable chaplain, " for its general practice might 
chance to do harm. Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gen 
tle, the Loving and Beloved, the Poet and Sage, urged by 
what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast appeared as 
Avenger. Think what would be the world s condition, 
were men without any Yearning after the Ideal to attempt 
to reorganise Society, to redistribute Property, to avenge 
Wrong." 

"A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven," said the noble 
though misguided young Prisoner. "Prometheus was a 
Giant, and he fell." 

*This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is expressed 
much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of " Eugene Aram " : 
"The burning desire I have known the resplendent visions I 
have nursed the sublime aspirings that have lifted me so often 
from sense and clay : these tell me that whether for good or ill, I am 
the thing of an immortality, and the creature of a God. ... I have 
destroyed a man noxious to the world ; with the wealth by which 
he afflicted society, I have been the means of blessing many." 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 17 

" Yes, indeed, my brave youth. ! the benevolent Dr. 
Fuzwig exclaimed, clasping the Prisoner s marble and 
manacled hand; "and the Tragedy of To-morrow will 
teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted even 
to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal 
and Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Eeal 
likewise." 

" Look ! here is supper ! " cried Barn well gaily. " This 
is the Real, Doctor; let us respect it and fall to." He 
partook of the meal as joyously as if it had been one of 
his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could scarcely 
eat it for tears. 



18 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 



CODLINGSBY. 

BY B. DE SHREWSBURY, ESQ. 

whole world is bound by one chain. In every city 
in the globe there is one quarter that certain travellers 
know and recognise from its likeness to its brother-district 
in all other places where are congregated the habitation of 
men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or New York, 
or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where 
a certain man is not a stranger. Where the idols are fed 
with incense by the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the 
minarets soar sparkling above the cypresses, their reflex 
ions quivering in the lucid waters of the Golden Horn; 
where the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and 
over imperial glories; where the huts are squatted by the 
Niger, under the palm-trees; where the Northern Babel 
lies, with its warehouses and its bridges, its graceful fac 
tory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes hidden in fog and 
smoke by the dirtiest river in the world in all the cities 
of mankind there is One Home whither men of one family 
may resort. Over the entire world spreads a vast brother 
hood, suffering, silent, scattered, sympathising, waiting 
an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread band 
was an Arabian clan a little nation alone and outlying 
amongst the mighty monarchies of ancient time, the 
Megatheria of history. The sails of their rare ships might 
be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of their cara 
vans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through 
the date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not 
ingloriously, in many wars, against mighty odds; but 
twas a small people, and on one dark night the Lion of 
Judah went down before Vespasian s Eagles, and in flame, 
and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonised and died. . . . 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 19 

Yes, the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they 
not taken the world in exchange? 

Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, 
as he debouched from Wych Street into the Strand. He 
had been to take a box for Armida at Madame Vestris s 
theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame Vestris s 
theatre; and her little Brougham, and her little self, and 
her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her 
miraculous bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty 
guineas every evening at Nathan s in Covent Garden (the 
children of the gardeners of Sharon have still no rival for 
flowers), might be seen three nights in the week at least, 
in the narrow, charming, comfortable little theatre, God 
frey had the box. He was strolling listlessly eastward, 
and the above thoughts passed through the young noble s 
mind as he came in sight of Holy well Street. 

The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches 
basking in the evening sunshine. Children were playing 
on the steps. Fathers were smoking at the lintel. Smil 
ing faces looked out from the various and darkling dra 
peries with which the warehouses were hung. Kinglets 
glossy, and curly, and jetty eyes black as night midsum 
mer night when it lightens ; haughty noses bending like 
beaks of eagles eager quivering nostrils lips curved like 
the bow of Love every man or maiden, every babe or 
matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one 
or more of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race. 

"How beautiful they are!" mused Codlingsby, as he 
surveyed these placid groups calmly taking their pleasure 
in the sunset. 

D you vant to look at a nishe coat? " a voice said, which 
made him start ; and then some one behind him began hand 
ling a master-piece of Stultz s with a familiarity which 
would have made the Baron tremble. 

"Rafael Mendoza!" exclaimed Godfrey. 

The same, Lord Codlingsby," the individual so apos 
trophised replied. "I told you we should meet again 
where you would little expect me. Will it please you to 



20 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

enter? This is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices 
my heart to welcome you home." So saying, Eafael laid 
his hand on his breast and bowed, an Oriental reverence. 
All traces of the accent with which he first addressed Lord 
Codlingsby had vanished ; it was a disguise ; half the He 
brew s life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, 
since the Norman boors persecuted him. 

They passqd under an awning of old clothes, tawdry 
fripperies, greasy spangles, and battered masks, into a 
shop as black and hideous as the entrance was foul. " This 
your home, Eafael? " said Lord Codlingsby. 

" Why not? " Kafael answered. " I am tired of Schloss 
Schinkenstein, the Ehine bores me after a while. It is too 
hot for Florence ; besides they have not completed the pic 
ture-gallery, and my palace smells of putty. You wouldn t 
have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in Nor 
mandy, out of the hunting season. The Eugantino Palace 
stupifies me. Those Titians are so gloomy. I shall have 
my Hobbinias and Teniers, I think, from my house at the 
Hague, hung over them. " 

" How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, 
have you, Eafael? " Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing. 

"This is one," Eafael answered. "Come in." 



The noise in the old town was terrific ; Great Tom was 
booming sullenly over the uproar ; the bell of Saint Mary s 
was clanging with alarm; St. Giles s tocsin chimed fu 
riously ; howls, curses, flights of brickbats, stones shivering 
windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened 
females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the 
enemy from Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed 
that the battle was at its height. 

In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and 
the cuirassiers would have been charging, sabre in hand, 
amidst that infuriate mob. In France they would have 
brought down artillery and played on it with twenty-four 
pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance 
it was a Town and Gown row. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 21 

The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned 
by eight stout bargees, with the redoubted Bullock for 
stroke) had bumped the Brazennose light oar, usually at 
the head of the river. High words arose regarding the 
dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the 
boats pulled back to Christchurch meadows, the disturb 
ance between the Townsmen and the University youths 
their invariable opponents grew louder and more violent, 
until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmish 
ing took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the 
University gate down to the broad and shining waters of 
the Cam and under the walls of Baliol and Sidney Sussex. 
The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young sizar at 
Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow 
oar of the Bargee boat. Vavaseur of Brazennose was en 
gaged with a powerful butcher, a well-known champion of 
the Town party, when, the great University bells ringing 
to dinner, truce was called between the combatants and 
they retired to their several colleges for refection. 

During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, 
and smoking a Nargilly, had attracted no ordinary atten 
tion. He rowed about a hundred yards ahead of the boats 
in the race, so that he could have a good view of that 
curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few 
rapid strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong 
ahead ; then he would wait, surveying the race, and send 
ing up volumes of odour from his cool Nargilly. 

"Who is he? " asked the crowds who panted along the 
shore, encouraging, according to Cambridge wont, the 
efforts of the oarsmen in the race. Town and Gown alike 
asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking in a 
barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a 
skill so prodigious, beat their best men. No answer 
could be given to the query, save that a gentleman in a 
dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six fourgons and a 
courier, had arrived the day before at the Hoop Inn, oppo 
site Brazennose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed 
to be the individual in question. 



22 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

i 

No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete 
with any that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or 
Putney workman. That boat slim, shining, and shoot 
ing through the water like a pike after a small fish was a 
caique from Tophana it had distanced the Sultan s oars 
men, and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bos- 
phorus; it was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, Caikjee 
Bashee of his Highness. The Bashee had refused fifty 
thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff , the Eussian Am 
bassador, for that little marvel. When his head was taken 
off, the Father of Believers presented the boat to Rafael 
Mendoza. 

It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish Monarchy 
after the battle of Nezeeb. By sending three millions of 
piastres to the Seraskier; by bribing Colonel De St. Cor- 
nichon, the French envoy in the camp of the victorious 
Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped 
the menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin ; 
the Marchioness of Stokepogis, our Ambassador s lady, 
appeared in a suit of diamonds which outblazed even, the 
Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the little 
caique. He never travelled without it. It was scarcely 
heavier than an arm-chair. Baroni, the courier, had car 
ried it down to the Cam that morning, and Rafael had seen 
the singular sport which we have mentioned. 

The dinner over, the young men rushed from their col 
leges, flushed, full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown 
was angry, the Town, too, was on the alert. From Ifney 
and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from wharf and ware 
house, the Town poured out to meet their enemy, and the 
battle was soon general. From the Addenbrooke s hospi 
tal to the Blenheim turnpike, all Cambridge was in an up 
roar the College gates closed the shops barricaded the 
shop-boys away in support of their brother townsmen the 
battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight. 

A luncheon of many courses had been provided for 
Rafael Mendoza at his inn, but he smiled at the clumsy 
efforts of the University cooks to entertain him, and a 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 23 

couple of dates and a glass of water formed his meal. In 
vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the 
slighted banquet. "A breakfast! psha! " said he. "My 
good man, I have nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from 
four hundred a year. I can have a dinner at any hour, 
but a Town and Gown row (a brickbat here flying through 
the window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza s 
hand) a Town and Gown row is a novelty to me. The 
Town has the best of it, clearly, though ; the men outnum 
ber the lads. Ha, a good blow ! How that tall townsman 
went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet 
trencher-cap." 

"That is the Lord Codlingsby," the landlord said. 

"A light weight, but a pretty fighter," Mendoza re 
marked. " Well hit with your left, Lord Codlingsby, well 
parried, Lord Codlingsby ; claret drawn, by Jupiter ! 

"Ours is werry fine," the landlord said. "Will your 
highness have Chateau Margaux or Laffitte? " 

" He never can be going to match himself against that 
bargeman," Rafael exclaimed, as an enormous boatman 
no other than Rullock indeed, the most famous bruiser of 
Cambridge, and before whose fists the gownsmen went 
down like ninepins, fought his way up to the spot where, 
with admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and 
one or two of his friends were making head against a num 
ber of the Town. 

The young noble faced the huge champion with the gal 
lantry of his race, but was no match for the enemy s 
strength, and weight, and sinew, and went down at every 
round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. The 
savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal 
combat from the inn-window. "Hold your hand! he 
cried to this Goliath ; " don t you see he s but a boy? " 

"Down he goes again! " the bargeman cried, not heeding 
the interruption. " Down he goes again ! I likes wapping 
a Lord ! " 

" Coward ! " shouted Mendoza, and to fling open the win 
dow amidst a shower of brickbats, to vault over the bal- 

2 Vol. 19 



24 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

cony, to slide down one of the pillars to the ground, was 
an instant s work. 

At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman. 



After the Coroner s inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand 
pounds to each of the bargeman s ten children, and it was 
thus his first acquaintance was formed with Lord Cod- 
lingsby. 

But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in 
Holy well Street Let us go in ! 



Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer 
shop of the old mansion in Holywell Street. It was a 
masquerade warehouse, to all appearance. A dark-eyed 
damsel of the nation was standing at the dark and grimy 
counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow boots, old 
stage mantles, painted masks, blind, and yet gazing at you 
with a look of sad death-like intelligence from the vacancy 
behind their sockets. 

A medical student was trying one of the doublets of 
orange-tawney and silver, slashed with dirty light blue. 
He was going to a masquerade that night. He thought 
Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress Polly Pat 
tens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work the Borough Venus, 
adored by half the youth of Guy s. 

" You look like a Prince in it, Mr. Lint," pretty Rachael 
said, coaxing him with her beady black eyes. 

"It is the cheese," replied Mr. Lint; "it ain t the dress 
that don t suit, my rose of Sharon, it s the figure. Hullo, 
Kafael, is that you, my lad of sealing-wax! Come and 
intercede for me with this wild gazelle; she says I can t 
have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it s too much ; 
cuss me if it s not too much, unless you ll take my little 
bill at two months, Kafael." 

" There s a sweet pretty brigand s dress you may have 
for half de monish," Rafael replied; "there s a splendid 
clown for eight bob ; but for dat Spanish dress, selp ma 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 25 

Moshesh, Mdshter Lint, ve d ask a guinea of any but you. 
Here s a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look ear, 
Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat? " 
So saying, Eafael turned to Lord Codlingsby with the ut 
most gravity and displayed to him the garment about which 
the young Medicus was haggling. 

"Cheap at the money," Codlingsby replied; "if you 
won t make up your mind, sir, I should like to engage it 
myself." But the thought that another should appear be 
fore Polly Pattens in that costume was too much for Mr. 
Lint ; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment. 
And Eafael pocketing the money with perfect simplicity, 
said, "Dis vay, Mr. Brownsh; dere s someting vill shoot 
you in the next shop." 

Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering. 

"You are surprised at our system," said Eafael, marking 
the evident bewilderment of his friend. "Confess you 
would call it meanness my huxtering with yonder young 
fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away a shilling 
without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four 
men s bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers by hold 
ing them out relief in their necessity? It is you who are 
mean you Normans not we of the ancient race. You 
have your vulgar measurement for great things and small. 
You call a thousand pounds respectable and a shekel des 
picable. Psha, my Codlingsby! One is as the other. I 
trade in pennies and in millions. I am above or below 
neither." 

They were passing through a second shop, smelling 
strongly of cedar, and, in fact, piled up with bales of those 
pencils which the young Hebrews are in the habit of vend 
ing through the streets. " I have sold bundles and bundles 
of these," said Eafael. "My little brother is now out 
with oranges in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be 
head of our house at Amsterdam. We all do it. I had 
myself to see Eothschild in Eaton Place this morning, 
about the Irish loan, of which I have taken three millions; 
and as I wanted to walk, I carried the bag. 



26 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

" You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Laty- 
mer, the Archbishop of Croy don s daughter, as she was 
passing to St. Bennetts, Knightsbridge, and as she fancied 
she recognised in the man who was crying old clothes the 
gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de Saint 
Aulaire s the night before." Something like a blush flushed 
over the pale features of Mendoza as he mentioned the 
Lady Lauda s name. "Come on," said he. They passed 
through various warehouses the orange room, the sealing- 
wax room, the six-bladed-knife department, and finally 
came to an old baize door Rafael opened the baize door 
by some secret contrivance, and they were in a black pas 
sage with a curtain at the end. 

He clapped his hands, the curtain at the end of the pas 
sage drew back, and a flood of golden light streamed on the 
Hebrew and his visitor. 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

THEY entered a moderate-sized apartment indeed, Holy- 
well Street is not above a hundred yards long, and this 
chamber was not more than half that length and fitted 
up with the simple taste of its owner. 

The carpet was of white velvet (laid over several webs 
of Aubusson, Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot 
gave no more sound as it trod upon the yielding plain than 
the shadow did which followed you) of white velvet, 
painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by 
Sir William Boss, J. M. Turner, R.A., Mrs. Mee, and 
Paul Delaroche. The edges were wrought with seed-pearls 
and fringed with Valenciennes lace and bullion. The walls 
were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered with gold fig 
ures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses, 
and passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The 
drops of dew which the artificer had sprinkled on the 
flowers were diamonds. The hangings were over-hung by 
pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the gorgeous, Titian 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 27 

the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of Paint 
ing), some of Murillo s beautified shepherdesses, who smile 
on you out of darkness like a star; a few score first-class 
Leonardos and fifty of the master-pieces of the patron of 
Julius and Leo, the Imperial genius of Urbino covered the 
walls of the little chamber. Divans of carved amber cov 
ered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst 
was a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double- 
distilled otto of roses. 

" Pipes, Goliath ! Rafael said gaily to a little negro 
with a silver collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue 
of Dongola); "and welcome to our snuggery, my Cod- 
lingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of the 
house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I m proud of 
my picture. That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a 
gift to our father from my cousin, Marshal Manasseh; that 
Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie Antoinette be 
fore the flight to Varennes the poor lady could not redeem 
the pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us. 
As for the Rafael, I suppose you are aware that he was one 
of our people. But what are you gazing at? Oh! my sis 
ter I forgot Miriam! this is the Lord Codlingsby." 

She had been seated at an ivory piano-forte on a mother- 
of-pearl music-stool trying a sonata of Herz. She rose 
when thus apostrophised. Miriam de Mendoza rose and 
greeted the stranger. 

The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives Zillah 
the dark beauty; Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah 
were black; those of Eva were golden. The eyes of Zil 
lah were night; those of Eva were morning. Codlingsby 
was fair of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa 
they called him Miss Codlingsby at school : but how much 
fairer was Miriam the Hebrew ! 

Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has 
been the delight of all painters, and which, therefore, the 
vulgar sneer at. It was of burning auburn. Meandering 
over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand minute 
ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue 



28 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

velvet fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette, (valued at two 
hundred thousand tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant 
Vicovich who had received it from Dost Mahomed) with a 
simple bird of paradise formed her head-gear. A sea-green 
cyrnar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded 
arms to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emer 
alds over a yellow satin frock. Pink gauze trowsers span 
gled with silver, and slippers of the same colour as the 
band which clasped her ringlets (but so covered with pearls 
that the original hue of the charming little papoosh disap 
peared entirely) completed her costume. She had three 
necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess 
-her fingers glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and 
priceless bracelets, bangles, and armlets wound round an 
arm that was whiter than the ivory grand piano on which 
it leaned. 

As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning 
upon him the solemn welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby 
swooned almost in the brightness of her beauty. It was 
well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to con 
sciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recogni 
tion, he sank upon a sandal-wood settee, as Goliath, the 
little slave, brought aromatic coffee in cups of opal, and 
alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the fragrant Gibelly. 

"My lord s pipe is out," said Miriam with a srnile, re 
marking the bewilderment of her guest who in truth for 
got to smoke and taking up a thousand pound note from 
a bundle on the piano, she lighted it at the taper and pro 
ceeded to reilhune the extinguished chibouk of Lord 
Codlingsby. 



When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music- 
stool, at a signal from her brother touched the silver and 
enamelled keys of the ivory piano, and began to sing, Lord 
Codlingsby felt as if he were listening at the gates of Para 
dise, or were hearing Jenny Lind. 

" Lind is a name of the Hebrew race j so is Mendelssohn, 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 29 

the Son of Almonds; so is Eosenthal, the Valley of the 
Roses; so is Lowe or Lewis or Lyons or Lion the beauti 
ful and the brave alike give cognizances to the ancient peo 
ple you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or Rod- 
gers," Rafael observed to his friend; and drawing the 
instrument from his pocket, he accompanied his sister, in 
the most ravishing manner, on a little gold and jewelled 
harp of the kind peculiar to his nation. 

All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were writ 
ten- by composers of her race; it was either a hymn by Ros 
sini, a polacca by Braham, a delicious romance by Sloman, 
or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on the strings of the 
instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the heart, 
but she sang no other than the songs of her nation. 

" Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always," Codlingsby 
thought. " I could sit at thy feet as under a green palm- 
tree, and fancy that Paradise-birds were singing in the 
boughs." 

Rafael read his thoughts. " We have Saxon blood too in 
our veins," he said. "You smile, but it is even so. An 
ancestress of ours made a mesalliance in the reign of your 
King John. Her name was Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of 
York, and she married in Spain, whither she had fled to 
the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, then a 
widower by the demise of his first lady Rowena. The 
match was deemed a cruel insult amongst our people; but 
Wilfrid conformed, and was a Rabbi of some note at the 
synagogue at Cordova. We are descended from him 
lineally. It is the only blot upon the escutcheon of the 
Mendozas." 

As they sate talking together, the music finished and 
Miriam having retired (though her song and her beauty 
were still present to the soul of the stranger) at a signal 
from Mendoza, various messengers from the outer apart 
ments came in to transact business with him. 

First it was Mr. Aniinadab, who kissed his foot, and 
brought papers to sign. " How is the house in Grosvenor 
Square, Aminadab; and is your son tired of his yacht 



30 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

yet? " Mendoza asked. " That is my twenty-fourth cashier/ 
said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went 
away. " He is fond of display, and all my people may 
have what money they like." 

Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of 
his mortgage. The Lord Bareacres, strutting into the 
apartment with a haughty air, shrank back, nevertheless, 
with surprise on beholding the magnificence around him. 
"Little Mordecai," said Eaf ael to a little orange-boy who 
came in at the heels of the noble, " take this gentleman out 
and let him have ten thousand pounds. I can t do more for 
you, my lord, than this I m busy. Good-bye ! " and Rafael 
waved his hand to the peer and fell to smoking his Nargilly. 

A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow 
moustache, came next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, 
and walked uneasily upon his high-heeled boots. " Tell 
your master that he shall have two millions more, but not 
another shilling," Rafael said. "That story about the 
five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all 
bosh. They won t believe it in Europe. You understand 
me, Count Grogomoffski? 3 

"But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I 
shal-1 get the knout unless " 

" Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the 
fourth Court," said Mendoza good-naturedly. "Leave ine 
at peace, Count; don t you see it is Friday and almost sun 
set? The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left an 
odour of musk and candle-grease behind him. 

An orange-man, an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer 
in piping bulfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a 
proposal for a new loan for the Pope, were heard by turns, 
and each, after a rapid colloquy in his own language, was 
dismissed by Rafael. 

"The Queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king 
must be disposed of," Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow -faced 
ambassador from Spain, General the Duke of Olla Podrida, 
left him. "Which shall it be, my Codlingsby? " Cod 
lingsby was about laughingly to answer, for indeed he was 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 31 

amazed to find all the affairs of the world represented here, 
and Holywell Street the centre of Europe, when three 
knocks of a peculiar nature were heard, and Mendoza, 
starting up, said, "Ha! there are only four men in the 
world who know that signal." At once, and with a rever 
ence quite distinct from, his former nonchalant manner, he 
advanced towards the new-comer. 

He was an old man an old man evidently too, of the 
Hebrew race the light of his eyes was unfathomable 
about his mouth there played an inscrutable smile. He 
had a cotton umbrella, and old trowsers, and old boots, and 
an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear. 

He sate down as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as 
Eafael made him the lowliest reverence. 

"I am tired," says he; "I have come in fifteen hours. 
I am ill at Neuilly," he added with a grin. " Get me some 
eau sucree and tell me the news, Prince de Mendoza. 
These bread rows ; this unpopularity of Guizot ; this odious 
Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and 
daughter ; this ferocity of Palnierston against Coletti, made 
me quite ill. Give me your opinion, iny dear duke\ But 
ha! whom have we here? 

The august individual who had spoken, had used the 
Hebrew language to address Mendoza, and the Lord Cod- 
lingsby might easily have pleaded ignorance of that tongue. 
But he had been at Cambridge, where all the youth acquire 
it perfectly. 

"Sire," said he, "I will not disguise from you that I 
know the ancient tongue in which you speak. There are 
probably secrets between Mendoza and your Maj- 

" Hush ! " said Eafael, leading him from the room. "Au 
revoir, dear Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of its," he 
whispered at the door ; " so is the Pope of Home ; so is 
. . ." -a whisper concealed the rest. 

"Gracious powers! is it so? :> said Codlingsby musing. 
He entered into Holywell Street. The sun was sinking. 

"It is time," said he, "to go and fetch Arniida to the 
Olympic." 



32 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 



LORDS AND LIVERIES. 

BY THE AUTHORESS OF " DUKES AND DEJEUNERS," 
"HEARTS AND DIAMONDS," "MARCHIONESSES AND 
MILLINERS," ETC. ETC. 

"CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the 
Fitzbattleaxe box to-night," said one of a group of young 
dandies, who were leaning over the velvet-cushioned bal 
conies of the Coventry Club, smoking their full-flavoured 
Cubas (from Hudson s) after the opera. 

Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm 
from the lips of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was 
never heard to admire anything except a coulis de dindon- 
neau a la St. Menehould,or a supreme de cochonen torticolis 
a la Piffarde ; such as Champollion, the chef of the Trav 
ellers, only knows how to dress, or the bouquet of a flask 
of Medoc, of Carbonell s best quality; or a goutte of Ma- 
rasquin, from the cellars of Briggs and Hobson. 

Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Vis 
count Paon of Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a 
Baronet, was, like too many of our young men of ton, 
utterly blase, although only in his twenty-fourth year. 
Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent principles, (who 
had imbued his young mind with that Morality which is 
so superior to all the vain pomps of the world !) it had not 
been always the young Earl s lot to wear the coronet for 
which he now in sooth cared so little. His father, a Cap 
tain of Britain s navy, struck down by the side of the gal 
lant Collingswood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his 
sword and spotless name to his young, lovely, and incon 
solable widow, who passed the first years of her mourning 
in educating her child in an elegant though small cottage 
in one of the romantic marine villages of beautiful Devon 
shire. Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 33 

widow s heart as she pressed him to it! how faithfully did 
she instil into his young bosom those principles which had 
been the pole-star of the existence of his gallant father. 

In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost bound 
less found the widow and her boy. The seventeenth Earl 
-gallant and ardent, and in the prime of youth, went 
forth one day from the Eternal City to a steeple-chase in 
the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to 
his hotel in the Piazza de Spagna. Death, alas! is no 
respecter of the Nobility, That shattered form was all 
that remained of the fiery, the haughty the wild, but the 
generous Altamont de Pentonville ! Such, such is fate ! 

The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a 
mother s solicitude at the distinctions and honours which 
thus suddenly descended on her boy. She engaged an ex 
cellent clergyman of the Church of England to superintend 
his studies ; to accompany him on foreign travel when the 
proper season arrived; to ward from him those dangers 
which dissipation always throws in the way of the noble, 
the idle, and the wealthy. But the Reverend Cyril Delaval 
died of the measles at Naples ; and henceforth the young 
Earl of Bagnigge was without a guardian. 

What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty 
he was a cynic and an epicure. He had drained the cup 
of pleasure until it had palled in his unnerved hand. He 
had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps with 
out reverence. He was as unmoved by the sandy solitudes 
of the desert as by the placid depths of Mediterraneans sea 
of blue. Bitter, bitter tears did Emily de Pentonville 
weep, when, on Alured s return from the Continent, she 
beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in 
her beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still-beloved 
boy! 

; Corpo di bacco," he said, pitching the end of his cigar 
on to the red nose of the Countess of Dela wad dy more s 
coachman, who, having deposited her fat ladyship at No. 
236, Piccadilly, was driving the carriage to the stables, be 
fore commencing his evening at the Fortune of War Public- 



34 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

house. "What a lovely creature that was! What eyes! 
what hair ! Who knows her? Do you, mon cher Prince ? r> 

" HJ bellissima, certamente," said the Duca di Montepul- 
ciano, and stroked down his jetty moustache. 

" Ein gar schones Madchen," said the Hereditary Grand 
Duke of Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty 
one. 

" Elle rfest pas mal, ma foi ! " said the Prince de Boro 
dino, with a scowl on his darkling brows. " Mon Dieu, 
que ces cigarres sent mauvais ! " he added, as he too cast 
away his Cuba. 

"Try one of my Pickwicks," said Franklin Fox, with a 
sneer, offering his gold etui to the young Frenchman, " they 
are some of Pontet s best, Prince. What, do you bear 
malice? Come, let us be friends," said the gay and care 
less young patrician ; but a scowl on the part of the French 
man was the only reply. 

" Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she 
is, Bagnigge," the wag went on. 

Everybody crowded round Monsieur de Borodino thus 
apostrophised. The Marquis of Alicompayne, young De 
Boots of the Life Guards, Tom Protocol of the Foreign 
Office; the gay young peers Farintosh, Poldoody, and the 
rest ; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any 
one present. 

"No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don t you see 
he has gone off in a fury ! " Franklin Fox continued. " He 
has his reasons, ce cher Prince ; he will tell you nothing,., 
but I will. You know that I am au mieux with the dear 
old Duchess." 

"They say Frank and she are engaged after the Duke s 
death," cried Poldoody. 

"I always thought Fwank was the Duke s illicit gweat- 
gwandson," drawled out De Boots. 

" I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to 
bring her wigs from Paris," cried that malicious Tom Pro 
tocol, whose mots are known in every diplomatic salon from 
Petersburgh to Palermo. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 35 

"Bum her wigs, and hang her poodle," said Bagnigge. 
"Tell us about this girl, Franklin Fox." 

"In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, 
in a ring fence, in Norfolk ; a County in Scotland ; a Castle 
in Wales, a Villa at Richmond, a corner-house in Belgrave 
Square, and eighty thousand a-year in the Three per Cents." 

"Apres," said Bagnigge still yawning. 

" Secondly, Borodino lid fait la cour. They are cousins, 
her mother was an Armagnac of the emigration ; the old 
Marshal, his father, married another sister. I believe he 
was footman in the family, before Napoleon princified 
him." 

"No, no, he was second coachman," Tom Protocol 
good-naturedly interposed " cavalry officer, Frank, not an 
infantry man." 

"Faith, you should have seen his fury (the young one s, 
I mean) when he found me in the Duchess s room this 
evening, tete-a-tete with the heiress, who deigned to accept 
a bouquet from this hand." 

" It cost me three guineas," poor Frank said, with a 
shrug and a sigh, " and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives 
no credit; but she took the flowers; eh, Bagnigge? ; 

"And flung them to Alboni," the Peer replied, with a 
haughty sneer. And poor little Franklin Fox was com 
pelled to own that she had. 

The maitre-d hotel announced that supper was served. 
It was remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made 
no impression on Bagnigge that night. 



The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pim- 
lico at the Court of the Sovereign, and in the salons of the 
beau-monde, was such as has seldom been created by the 
appearance of any other beauty. The men were raving 
with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her 
beauty, her wit, her grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur 
of admiration or envy. 

Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with 
her Grace s daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwin- 



36 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

ever Portcullis, the heiress s regal beauty quite flung her 
cousins simple charms into the shade, and blazed with a 
splendour which caused all " minor lights " to twinkle 
faintly. Before a day the leau-monde, before a week even 
the vulgarians of the rest of the town, rang with the fame 
of her beauty ; and while the dandies and the beauties were 
raving about her or tearing her to pieces in May Fair, even 
Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the "Hoperer" in 
a green turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about 
the great hair ess to her D. in Bloomsbury Square. 

Crowds went to Squab and Lynch s, in Long Acre, to 
examine the carriages building for her, so faultless, so 
splendid, so quiet, so odiously unostentatious and provok- 
ingly simple ! Besides the ancestral services of argenterie 
and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six 
plate chests at Messrs. Childs, Bumble and Briggs pre 
pared a gold service, and Garraway, of the Hayniarket, a 
service of the Benvenuto Cellini pattern, which were the 
admiration of all London. Before a month it is a fact that 
the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited blue stocks, 
called " Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six ; : long 
before that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline s, 
or sent couriers to Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to 
have copies of her dresses ; but, as the Mantuan bard ob 
serves, " Non cuivis contigit," -every foot cannot accommo 
date itself to the chaussure of Cinderella. 

With all this splendour, this worship, this beauty ; with 
these cheers following her, and these crowds at her feet, 
was Amethyst happy? Ah, no ! It is not under the neck 
lace the most brilliant that Briggs and Kumble can supply ; 
it is not in Lynch s best cushioned chariot that the heart is 
most at ease. " Queje me mineral," says Fronsac in a let 
ter to Bossuet, "sijesavais ou acheter le bonkeur." 

With all her riches, with all her splendour, Amethyst 
was wretched wretched, because lonely ; wretched, because 
her loving heart had nothing to cling to. Her splendid 
mansion was a convent ; no male person ever entered it, 
except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing), and the 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 37 

Duchess s family, her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his 
friend old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the odious, 
odious Borodino. 

The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst 
was engaged to him. Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that 
he should choose such an opportunity to refaire sa fortune. 

He gave out that he would kill any man who should cast 
an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his word. 
Major Grigg, of the Life Guards, had already fallen by his 
hand at Ostend. The O Toole, who had met her on the 
Rhine, had received a ball in his shoulder at Coblentz, and 
did not care to resume so dangerous a courtship. Borodino 
could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards. He 
could beat Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the 
small sword ; he was the dragon that watched this pomme 
d or, and very few persons were now inclined to face a 
champion si redoutable. 

Over a Salmi d escargot at the Coventry, the dandies 
whom we introduced in our last volume were assembled 
there talking of the heiress, and her story was told by 
Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who for a wonder was in 
terested in the tale. Borodino s pretensions were discussed, 
and the way in which the fair Amethyst was confined. 
Fitzbattleaxe House in Belgrave Square is as everybody 
knows the next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst. 
A communication was made between the two houses. She 
never went out except accompanied by the Duchess s guard, 
which it was impossible to overcome, 

"Impossible! Nothing s impossible," said Lord Bag 
nigge. 

I bet you what you like you don t get in," said the 
young Marquis of Martingale. 

I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the 
heiress s house before the season s over," Lord Bagnigge 
replied with a yawn; and the bet was registered with 
shouts of applause. 

But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against 
Lord Bagnigge, for the very next day, riding in the Park, 



38 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

his horse fell with him ; he was carried home to his house 
with a fractured limb and a dislocated shoulder, and the 
doctor s bulletins pronounced him to be in the most dan 
gerous state. 

Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger 
of his riding by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight 
after the above events, his Lordship was prancing by her 
Grace s great family coach, and chattering with Lady 
Gwinever about the strange wager. 

"Do you know what a pony is, "Lady Gwinever?" he 
asked. Her Ladyship said yes ; she had a cream-coloured 
one at Castle Barbican ; and stared when Lord Martingale 
announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies; 
worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now 
kept at Coutts s. Then he explained the circumstances of 
the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament was to adjourn in ten 
days; the season would be over; Bagnigge was lying ill 
cliez lui ; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrevoca 
bly his. And he vowed he would buy Lord Binnacle s 
yacht crew, captain, guns, and all. 

On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore s, 
Martingale found among the many billets upon the gold 
plateau in his ante-ckambre, the following brief one, which 
made him start : 



MARTINGALE, Don t be too sure of Binnacle s 
yacht. There are still ten days before the season is over; 
and my ponies may lie at Coutts s for some time to come. 
-Yours, BAGNIGGE. 

" P. S. I write with my left hand ; for my right is still 
splintered up from that confounded fall." 



The tall footman, number four, who had come in the 
place of John, cashiered (for want of proper mollets, and 
because his hair did not take powder well) had given great 
satisfaction to the under- butler, who reported well of him 
to his chief, who had mentioned his name with praise to 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 39 

the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well- 
spoken a young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper s 
room deigned to notice him more than once ; nor was his 
popularity diminished on account of a quarrel in which he 
engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon 
chasseur, who was one day found embracing Miss Flouncy, 
who waited on Amethyst s own maid. The very instant 
Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames entering the Servants 7 Hall, 
where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in " aggravating " 
her, Miss Flouncy screamed at the next moment the Bel 
gian giant lay sprawling upon the carpet and Jeames, 
standing over him, assumed so terrible a look, that the 
chasseur declined any further combat. The victory was 
made known to the house -steward himself, who, being a 
little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames 
on his valour, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own 
room. 

Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the 
Bagnigge people. He had lived, he said, in that family 
two years. "But where there was no ladies," he said, "a 
gentleman s hand was spiled for service," and Jeames s 
was a very delicate hand ; Miss Flouncy admired it very 
much, and of course he did not defile it by menial service ; 
he had in a young man who called him " Sir," and did all 
the coarse work ; and Jeames read the morning paper to 
the ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many 
gentlemen do, but easily and elegantly, speaking off the 
longest words without a moment s difficulty. He could 
speak French, too, Miss Flouncy found, who was studying 
it under Mademoiselle Qy&udiQ,fitte-de-chambre de confiance ; 
for when she said to him, "Polly voo Fransy, Munseer 
Jeames? " he replied readily, " We, Mademaselle,faipassay 
boco de tong a Parry. Commong voo potty voo ? How 
Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before her, the day 
after he had saved Miss Amethyst, when the horses had 
run away with her in tlie Park ! 

Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a 
week in Amethyst s service, and already the gentle heart 



40 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

of the washing-girl was irrecoverably gone ! Poor Flouncy ! 
poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee. 

It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to 
drive with her cousin the Prince in his phaeton, her own 
carriage was sent into the Park simply with her compan 
ion, who had charge of her little Fido, the dearest little 
spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind 
the carriage with their long sticks and neat dark liveries ; 
the horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the coach 
man a late Lieutenant Colonel of cavalry ; the whole ring 
did not boast a more elegant turn-out. 

The Prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle 
cousine. It may have been the red fezzes in the carriage 
of the Turkish ambassador which frightened the Prince s 
greys, or Mrs. Champignon s new yellow liveries, which 
were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon s pre 
ternatural ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at 
the time, or the Prince s own want of skill, finally; but 
certain it is that the horses took fright, dashed wildly 
along the mile, scattered equipages, pietons, dandies cabs, 
and Snobs pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming; and the 
Prince, deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind ; as the 
curricle came rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst s 
carriage stood. 

"I m blest/ Frederick exclaimed to his companion, "if 
it ain t the Prince a-drivin our Missis! They ll be in the 
Serpingtine, or dashed to pieces, if they don t mind ; ; and 
the runaway steeds at this instant came upon them as a 
whirlwind. 

But if those steeds ran at whirlwind pace, Jeames was 
swifter. To jump from behind, to bound after the rock 
ing, reeling curricle, to jump into it, aided by the long 
stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole, and to 
seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino, 
who shrieked piteously, as the dauntless valet leapt on his 
toes and into his seat, was the work of an instant. In a 
few minutes the mad, swaying rush of the horses was re 
duced to a swift but steady gallop; presently a canter, then 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 41 

a trot ; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling, 
but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst s carriage, which 
came up at a rapid pace. 

"Give me the reins, malappris ! tu m ecrasses les cors, 
manant ! " yelled the frantic nobleman, writhing under 
neath the intrepid charioteer. 

" Tant pis pour toi, nigaud," was the reply. The lovely 
Amethyst of course had fainted ; but she recovered as she 
was placed in her carriage, and rewarded her preserver 
with a celestial smile. 

The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he 
saw the latter a liveried menial stoop gracefully forward 
and kiss Amethyst s hand, may be imagined rather than 
described. But Jeames heeded not his curses. Having 
placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly 
resumed his station behind. Passion or danger seemed to 
have no impression upon that pale marble face. 

Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage dimin 
ished, when, on coming to dinner that day, a recherche ban 
quet served in the Frangipane best style, and requesting a 
supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses, the clumsy 
attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille 
cisele, with its scalding contents, over the Prince s chin, 
his Mechlin jabot, and the grand cordon of the Legion of 
Honour which he wore. 

" Infdmej" howled Borodino, " tu I as fait expres ! 

" Oui, je V ai fait expres," said the man, with the most 
perfect Parisian accent. It was Jeames. 

Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed 
even after the morning s service, and he was chassed on the 
spot. He had been but a week in the house. 

The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph 
which may possibly elucidate the above mystery, and to 
the following effect : 

Singular Wager. One night, at the end of last season 
the young and eccentric Earl of B gn gge laid a wager 
of twenty-five thousand pounds with a broken sporting 



42 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

patrician, the dashing Marquis of M rt ng le, that he 
would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely 
young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B 1- 
gr -ve Squ re. The bet having been made, the Earl pre 
tended an illness, and having taken lessons from one of his 
lordship 7 s own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose name he 
also borrowed) in the mysteries of the profession actually 
succeeded in making an entry into Miss P ml GO S man 
sion, where he stopped one week exactly; having time to 
win his bet, and to save the life of the lady, whom we hear 
he is about to lead to the altar. He disarmed the Prince 
of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands and, it is 

said, appeared at the C club wearing his plush costume 

under a cloak, and displaying it as a proof that he had won 
his wager." 

Such indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple 
have not more than nine hundred thousand a year, but they 
live cheerfully, and manage to do good; and Emily de 
Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law, and her little 
grand-children, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un 
homme range. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 43 



BAEBAZURE 

BY G. P. E. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC. 

IT was upon one of those balmy evenings of November 
which are only known in the valleys of Languedoc and 
among the mountains of Alsace, that two cavaliers might 
have been perceived by the naked eye threading one of the 
rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land be 
tween the Marne and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the 
declining luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which 
lined the path, through which the horsemen wound slowly ; 
and as those eternal battlements with which Nature had 
hemmed in the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed 
with the last tints of the fading sunlight, the valley below 
was grey and darkling, and the hard and devious course 
was sombre in twilight. A few goats, hardly visible among 
the peaks, were cropping the scanty herbage here and there. 
The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks as they 
trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up 
plaintive echoes which moaned through those rocky and 
lonely steeps; the stars began to glimmer in the purple 
heavens, spread serenely overhead ; and the faint crescent of 
the moon, which had peered for some time scarce visible in 
the azure, gleamed out more brilliantly at every moment, 
until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun s retreat. Tisa 
fair land that of France, a gentle, a green, and a beautiful; 
the home of arts and arms, of chivalry and romance, and 
(however sadly stained by the excesses of modern times) 
twas the unbought grace of nations once, and the seat of 
ancient renown and disciplined valour. 

And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so 
bright, and bravery so famous, there is no spot greener or 
fairer than that one over which our travellers wended, and 
which stretches between the good towns of Yendemiaire and 
Nivose. Tis common now to a hundred thousand voy- 



44 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

agers : the English tourist, with his chariot and his Har 
vey s Sauce, and his imperials; the bustling commis-voy- 
ageur on the roof of the rumbling diligence; the rapid 
malle-poste thundering over the chaussee at twelve miles 
an hour pass the ground hourly and daily now : twas lone 
ly and unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century 
with which our story commences. 

Along the darkening mountain paths the two gentlemen 
(for such their outward bearing proclaimed them) caracolled 
together. The one, seemingly the younger of the twain, 
wore a flaunting feather in his barrat-cap, and managed a 
prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curvetted 
gaily. A surcoat of peach-coloured samite and a purfled 
doublet of vair bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant eye, 
his exquisitely chiselled nose, and his curling chestnut ring 
lets. 

Youth was on his brow ; his eyes were dark and dewy, 
like spring violets ; and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek 
roses, alas! that bloom and die with life s spring! Now 
bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking off with his 
riding-rod a flowret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot 
rode by his darker companion. 

His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true 
Norman breed, that had first champed grass on the green 
pastures of Acquitaine. Thence through Berry, Picardy, 
and the Limousin, halting at many a city and commune, 
holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor of 
Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain 1 Auxerrois, the warrior 
and his charger reached the lonely spot where now we find 
them. 

The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth 
worthy of the steed which bore him. Both were capari 
soned in the fullest trappings of feudal war. The arblast, 
the mangonel, the derniculverm, and the cuissart of the 
period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the war-steed ; 
while the rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and 
arriere-ban, morion and tumbril, battle-axe and rifflard, and 
the other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode stately 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 45 

on his steel-clad charger, himself a tower of steel. This 
mighty horseman was carried by his steed as lightly as the 
young springald by his Andalusian hackney. 

" Twas well done of thee, Philibert," said he of the 
proof-armour, " to ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin 
and companion in arms." 

"Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de 
Clos-Vougeot ! replied the young Cavalier. " When I was 
yet a page, thou wert a belted knight ; and thou wert away 
to the Crusade ere ever my beard grew." 

" I stood by Eichard of England at the gates of Ascalon, 
and drew the spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of 
Damietta," the individual addressed as Romane replied. 
"Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy (and marry tis 
yet a thin one), I have broken a lance with Solyman at 
Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre. 
But enough of this. Tell me of home of our native val 
ley of my hearth, and my lady mother, and my good 
chaplain tell me of her, Philibert," said the knight, ex 
ecuting a demivolte, in order to hide his emotion. 

Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he 
would parry the question. "The Castle stands on the 
rock," he said, " and the swallows still build in the battle 
ments. The good chaplain still chants his vespers at morn, 
and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother 
still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey. 
The tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely, 
kinsman mine," he added with an arch look. 

"But Fatima, Fatirna, how fares she? Romane con 
tinued. " Since Lammas was a twelvemonth, I hear nought 
of her; my letters are unanswered. The postman hath 
traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a 
billet. How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot? " 

"She is well," Philibert replied; "her sister Anne is 
the fairest of the twain, though." 

" Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. 
A plague on sister Anne ! Speak of Fatima, Philibert my 
blue -eyed Fatima! " 






46 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

"I say she is well," answered his comrade, gloomily. 

"Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? 
Kay, hath she had small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak ! 
speak, boy ! cried the knight, wrought to agony. 

"Her cheek is as red as her mother s, though the old 
Countess paints hers every day. Her foot is as light as a 
sparrow s, and her voice as sweet as a minstrel s dulcimer; 
but give me nathless the Lady Anne," cried Philibert, 
" give me the peerless Lady Anne ! As soon as ever I have 
won spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and pro 
claim her the Queen of Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady 
Anne ! and so saying but evidently wishing to disguise 
some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could ill 
brook to hear the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly for 
ward. 

But swift as was his courser s pace, that of his com 
panion s enormous charger was swifter. "Boy," said the 
elder, "thou hast ill tidings. I knew it by thy glance. 
Speak : shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a thou 
sand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in 
the name of Heaven and good Saint Botibol, Komane de 
Clos-Vougeot will bear your tidings like a man." 

"Fatima is well," answered Philibert once again; "she 
hath had no measles : she lives and is still fair. " 

"Fair, aye, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? 
Not false? By Saint Botibol, say not false," groaned the 
elder warrior. 

"A month syne," Philibert replied, "she married the 
Baron de Barbazure." 

With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in 
agony, the brave knight Komane de Clos-Vougeot sank 
back at these words, and fell from his charger to the 
ground, a lifeless mass of steel. 



Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendour, 
the once vast and magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a 
moss-grown ruin. The traveller of the present day, who 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 47 

wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and climbs the 
steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely 
trace, among the shattered masses of ivy-coloured masonry 
which lie among the lonely crags, even the skeleton of the 
proud and majestic palace stronghold of the Barons of Bar- 
bazure. 

In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as 
stately, and seemed (to the pride of sinful man !) as strong 
as the eternal rocks on which they stood. The three mul 
lets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted by the sinople 
couchant Or, the well-known cognizance of the house, 
blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, sur 
mounting as many towers. The long lines of battlemented 
walls spread down the mountain to the Loire, and were 
defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men. Four 
hundred knights and six times as many archers fought 
round the banner of Barbazure at Bou vines, Malplaquet, 
and Azincour. For his services at Fontenoy against the 
English, the heroic Charles Martel appointed the four 
teenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom 
of France : and for wealth, for splendour, and for skill and 
fame in war, Eaoul the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no 
wise inferior to his noble ancestors. 

That the Baron Eaoul levied toll upon the river, and 
mail upon the shore ; that he now and then ransomed a 
burgher, plundered a neighbour, or drew the fangs of a 
Jew; that he burned an enemy s castle with the wife and 
children within ; these were points for which the country 
knew and respected the stout Baron. When he returned 
from victory, he was sure to endow the Church with a part 
of his spoil, so that when he went forth to battle he was 
always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron 
Kaoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an orna 
ment to the Court, the Church, and his neighbours. 

But in the midst of all his power and splendour there 
was a domestic grief which deeply afflicted the princely 
Barbazure. His lovely ladies died one after the other. 

No sooner was he married than he was a widower ; in the 
3 Vol. 19 



48 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements 
had befallen the chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is 
a parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall of the 
great and wealthy as it doth the humbler tenements of the 
poor. 

* 

"Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover," 
said the Lady of Chacabacque to her daughter the lovely 
Fatima, " and think how the noble Barbazure loves thee ! 
Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had eyes for 
thee and thy cousin only." 

" I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud 
of," the admirable Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. "Not 
that I care for my Lord of Barbazure s looks. My heart, 
dearest mother, is with him who is far away ! 

" He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, 
and twenty -three corantoes, I think, child," the mother 
said, eluding her daughter s remark. 

"Twenty -five," said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful 
eyes to the ground. " Heigho ! but Bouiane danced them 
very well." 

" He had not the court air," the mother suggested. 

" I don t wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Bar 
bazure s dancing, Mamma, "Fatima replied. "For a short, 
lusty man, tis wondrous how active he is; and in dignity 
the King s Grace himself could not surpass him." 

"You were the noblest couple in the room, love," the 
lady cried. 

"That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange- tawney, 
those ostrich plumes, blue, red and yellow, those parti 
coloured hose and pink shoon became the noble Baron 
wondrous well," Fatima acknowledged. "It must be con 
fessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of 
youth . But alas ! Madam ! The noble Baron hath had nine 
wives already." 

"And your cousin would give her eyes to become the 
tenth," the mother replied. 

" My cousin give her eyes ! " Fatima exclaimed. " It s 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 49 

not much, I m sure, for she squints abominably; " and thus 
the ladies prattled, as they rode home at night after the 
great ball at the house of the Baron of Barbazure. 

The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will 
understand the doubts which pervaded the mind of the 
lovely Fatima, and the well-nurtured English maiden will 
participate in the divided feelings which rent her bosom. 
Tis true, that on Ids departure for the holy wars, Bomane 
and Fatima were plighted to each other ; but the folly of 
long engagements is proverbial: and though for many 
months the faithful and affectionate girl had looked in vain 
for news from him, her admirable parents had long spoken 
with repugnance of a match which must bring inevitable 
poverty to both parties. They had suffered, tis true, the 
engagement to subsist, hostile as they ever were to it ; but 
when on the death of the ninth lady of Barbazure, the 
noble Baron remarked Fatima at the funeral, and rode 
home with her after the ceremony, her prudent parents saw 
how much wiser, better, happier, for their child it would 
be to have for life a partner like the Baron, than to wait 
the doubtful return of the penniless wanderer to whom she 
was plighted. 

Ah ! how beautiful and pure a being ! how regardless of 
self! how true to duty! how obedient to parental command, 
is that earthly angel, a well-bred woman of genteel family ! 
Instead of indulging in splenetic refusals or vain regrets 
for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima, at once signi 
fied to] her excellent parents her willingness to obey their 
orders ; though she had sorrows (and she declared them to 
be tremendous) the admirable being disguised them so 
well, that none knew they oppressed her. She said she 
would try to forget former ties, and (so strong in her mind 
was duty above every other feeling ; so strong may it be in 
every British maiden !) the lovely girl kept her promise. 

"My former engagements," she said, packing up Bo- 
mane s letters and presents, (which, as the good knight 
was mortal poor were in sooth of no great price) "my 
former engagements I look upon as childish follies; my 



50 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

affections are fixed where rny dear parents graft them on 
the noble, the princely, the polite Barbazure. Tis true he 
is not comely in feature, but the chaste and well-bred 
female knows how to despise the fleeting charms of form. 
Tis true he is old; but can woman be better employed than 
in tending her aged and sickly companion? That he has 
been married is likewise certain but ah, my mother! who 
knows not that he must be a good and tender husband, 
who, nine times wedded, owns that he cannot be happy 
without another partner? 

It was with these admirable sentiments, the lovely Fati- 
ma proposed obedience to her parents will, and consented 
to receive the magnificent marriage gift presented to her by 
her gallant bridegroom. 

The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of 
vain attempts to see her hapless daughter. Ever, when 
she came, the porters grinned at her savagely through the 
grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled gate of 
the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. " The 
Lady of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and 
keeps her chamber," was the invariable reply of the dogged 
functionaries to the entreaties of the agonised mother. 
And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual calls at 
his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who 
chanced to be at the postern, aimed a cross-bow, and let fly 
an arblast at the crupper of the lady s palfrey, whereon she 
fled finally, screaming, and in terror. " I will aim at the 
rider next time! howled the ferocious Baron, "and not at 
the horse ! And those who knew his savage nature and 
his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would 
neither break his knightly promise nor miss his aim. 

Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy 
gave his famous passage of arms at Nantes, and all the 
nobles of France were present at the joustings, it was re 
marked that the Barbazure s heart was changed towards his 
gentle and virtuous lady. 

For the three first days of that famous festival, the re 
doubted Baron of Barbazure had kept the field against all 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 51 

the knights who entered. His lance bore everything down 
before it. The most famous champions of Europe, assem 
bled at those joustings, had dropped one by one, before this 
tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined 
to be his, and he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave, 
as his lady was fairest of the fair. 

On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over 
the Yosges, and the shadows were lengthening over the 
plain where the warrior had obtained such triumphs ; after 
having overcome two hundred and thirteen knights of dif 
ferent nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid 
Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted 
Duguesclin, as the conqueror sate still erect on his charger, 
and the multitude doubted whether ever another champion 
could be found to face him, three blasts of a trumpet were 
heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing more 
clearly, until a knight in pink armour rode into the lists 
with his visor down, and riding a tremendous dun charger, 
which he managed to the admiration of all present. 

The heralds asked him his name and quality. 

"Call me," said he, in a hollow voice, "the Jilted 
Knight." What was it made the Lady of Barbazure trem 
ble at his accents? 

The knight refused to tell his name and qualities ; but 
the companion who rode with him, the young and noble 
Philibert de Coquelicot, who was known and respected uni 
versally through the neighbourhood, gave a warranty for 
the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight, and 
Raoul de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two hundred 
and fourteenth lance, shook the huge weapon in the air as 
though it were a reed, and prepared to encounter the in 
truder. 

According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point 
of the spear from harm, the top of the unknown knight s 
lance was shielded with a bung, which the warrior removed ; 
and galloping up to Barbazure s pavilion, over which his 
shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with the sharp 
ened steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assem- 



52 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

bly at this daring challenge to a combat a I outrance. 
" Hast thou confessed, Sir Knight? roared the Barbazure ; 
" take thy ground, and look to thyself ; for by Heaven thy 
last hour is come ! Poor youth, poor youth ! sighed the 
spectators; he has called down his own fate. The next 
minute the signal was given, and as the siinoom across the 
desert, the cataract down the rock, the shell from the 
howitzer, each warrior rushed from his goal. . . . 

" Thou wilt not slay so good a champion ! said the 
Grand Duke, as at the end of that terrific combat the 
knight in rose armour stood over his prostrate foe, whose 
helmet had rolled off when he was at length unhorsed, and 
whose blood-shot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity 
on his conqueror. 

"Take thy life," said he who had styled himself the 
Jilted Knight; "thou hast taken all that was dear to 
mine ; J: and the sun setting, and no other warrior appear 
ing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the con 
queror, and rode up to the duchess s balcony to receive the 
gold chain which was the reward of the victor. He raised 
his visor as the smiling princess guerdoned him raised it, 
and gave one sad look towards the Lady Fatima at her side ! 

"Roniane de Clos-Vougeot! shrieked she, and fainted. 
The Baron of Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on 
the ground with his wound, and by his slighted honour, by 
his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore revenge ; and 
the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a Queen, 
returned to her castle as a prisoner. 

(As it is impossible to give in the limits of our periodical 
the whole of this remarkable novel, let it suffice to say 
briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which 
the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of 
the Baroness kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and 
the general tone of morality, are all excellently worked out, 
the Baron de Barbazure resolves upon putting his wife to 
death by the hands of the public executioner. ) 



Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 53 

Baron was on the platform to- inspect the preparations for 
the frightful ceremony of mid-day. 

The block was laid forth the hideous minister of ven 
geance, masked and in black, with the flaming glaive in his 
hand, was ready. The Baron tried the edge of the blade 
with his finger, and asked the dreadful swordsman if his 
hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood. 
The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank 
from him. There was not one there but loved and pitied 
the gentle lady. 

Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. 
To all her lord s savage interrogatories, her reply had been, 
"I am innocent." To his threats of death, her answer 
was, "You are my lord; my life is in your hands, to take 
or to give." How few are the wives, in our day, who 
show such angelic meekness ! It touched all hearts around 
her, save that of the implacable Barbazure. Even the Lady 
Blanche (Fatima s cousin) whom he had promised to marry 
upon his faithless wife s demise, besought for her kins 
woman s life, and a divorce, but Barbazure had vowed her 
death. 

" Is there no pity, sir? ; asked the chaplain who had at 
tended her. "No pity," echoed the weeping serving-maid. 
" Did I not aye say I would die for my lord? said the 
gentle lady, and placed herself at the block. 

Sir E-aoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her 
raven hair. " Now ! shouted he to the executioner, with 
a stamp of his foot, " Now strike ! 

The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and 
poised himself to deliver his blow : and, making his flash 
ing sword sing in the air, with one irresistible, rapid stroke, 
it sheared clean off the head of the furious, the blood 
thirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure ! 

Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy; and the agita 
tion of the Lady Fatima may be imagined when the execu 
tioner, flinging off his mask, knelt gracefully at her feet, 
and revealed to her the well-known features of Komane de 
Clos-Vougeot. 



54 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 



PHIL FOGAETY. 

A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH. 
BY HARRY ROLLICKER. 

THE gabion was ours. After two hours fighting we 
were in possession of the first embrasure, and made our 
selves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. Jack 
Delamere, Tom Delaney, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and 
myself, sate down under a pontoon, and our servants laid 
out a hasty supper on a tumbril. Though Cambaceres had 
escaped me so provokingly after I cut him down, his spoils 
were mine, a cold fowl and a Bologna sausage were found 
in the Marshal s holsters ; and in the haversack of a French 
private who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of 
bread, his three days ration. Instead of salt we had gun 
powder; and you may be sure, wherever the Doctor was, a 
flask of good brandy was behind him in his instrument-case. 
We sate down and made a soldier s supper. The Doctor 
pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees 
growing near (and round which the Carabiniers and the 
24th Leger had made a desperate rally), and punch was 
brewed in Jack Delamere s helmet. 

"Faith, it never had so much wit in it before," said the 
Doctor, as he ladled out the drink. We all roared with 
laughter, except the guardsman, who was as savage as a 
Turk at a christening. 

" Buvez-en," said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; 
" f a vous fera du bien, mon vieux coq ! " and the Colonel, 
whose wound had been just dressed, eagerly grasped at 
the proffered cup, and drained it with a health to the 
donors. 

How strange are the chances of war ! But half-an-hour 
before he and I were engaged in mortal combat, and our 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 55 

prisoner was all but my conqueror. Grappling with Cam- 
baceres, whom I had knocked from his horse, and was about 
to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was par 
ried by my sabretasche, a herculean grasp was at the next 
instant at my throat I was on the ground my prisoner 
had escaped, and a gigantic warrior in the uniform of a 
colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring over me with 
pointed sword. 

" Rends-toi, coquinf" said he. 

" Allez au Diable ! " says I, " a Fogarty never surren 
ders." 

I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old 
house in Killaloo I felt the tip of his blade between my 
teeth I breathed a prayer and shut my eyes when the 
tables were turned the butt-end of Lanty Clancy s musket 
knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held it. 

" Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish," said the French officer, 
with a curse in the purest Irish. It was lucky that I 
stopped laughing time enough to bid Lanty hold his hand, 
for the honest fellow would else have brained my gallant 
adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as 
what gallant hearts are not? 

The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true 
soldiers we sate down to make the most of our time. The 
rogue of a Doctor took the liver-wing for his share we 
gave the other to our guest, a prisoner; those scoundrels 
Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs and, faith, 
poor I was put off with the Pope s nose, and a bit of the 
back. 

"How d ye like his Holiness s fayture?" said Jerry 
Blake. 

"Anyhow you ll have a merry thought," cried the incor 
rigible Doctor, and all the party shrieked at the witticism. 

" De mortuis nil nisi bonum," said Jack, holding up the 
drumstick clean. 

"Faith, there s not enough of it to make us chicken- 
hearted, anyhow," said I; "come, boys, let s have a 
song." 



56 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

"Here goes," said Tom Delaney, and sang the following 
lyric, of his own composition :- 

" Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill, 
And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the Hill, 
Was once Tommy Tosspot s, as jovial a sot, 
As e er drew a spiggot, or drained a full pot 
In drinking all round twas his joy to surpass, 
And with all merry tipplers he drank off his glass. 

" One morning in summer, while seated so snug, 
In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug, 
Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear, 
And said, Honest Thomas, come take your last bier; 
We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can, 
From which let us drink to the health of my Nan." 

"Psha! " said the Doctor, "I ve heard that song before; 
here s a new one for you, boys ! and Sawbones began, in 
a rich Corkagian voice : 

"You ve all heard of Larry O Toole, 
Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole ; 
He had but one eye, 
To ogle ye by 
O, murther, but that was a jew l! 

A fool 
He made of de girls, dis O Toole. 

Twas he was the boy didn t fail, 
That tuck down pataties and mail ; 

He never would shrink, 

From any sthrong dthrink, 
Was it whisky or Drogheda ale ; 

I m bail, 
This Larry would swallow a pail. 

O, many a night, at the bowl, 

With Larry I ve sot cheek by jowl; 
He s gone to his rest, 
Where there s dthrink of the best, 

And so let us give his old sowl 
A howl, 

For twas he made the noggin to rowl. " 

I observed the French Colonel s eye glisten as he heard 
these well-known accents of his country; but we were too 
well-bred to pretend to remark his emotion. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 57 

The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs 
were finished, and each began to look out with some anxiety 
for the preconcerted signal, the rocket from Sir Hussey 
Vivian s quarters, which was to announce the recommence 
ment of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her 
silver splendour, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to 
earth at the feet of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole, 
who were at their posts at the head of the storming parties, 
nine hundred and ninety-nine guns in position opened their 
fire from our batteries, which were answered by a tremen 
dous cannonade from the fort. 

"Who s going to dance?" said the Doctor, "the ball s 
begun. Ha! there goes poor Jack Delamere s head off! 
The ball chose a soft one, anyhow. Come here, Tim, till 
I mend your leg. Your wife need only knit half as many 
stockings next year, Doolan, my boy. Faix ! there goes a 
big one had well-nigh stopped my talking ; bedad ! it has 
snuffed the feather off my cocked hat! 

In this way, with eighty-four pounders roaring over us 
like hail, the undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes 
and his duty. That he had a feeling heart, all who served 
with him knew, and none more so than Philip Fogarty, the 
humble writer of this tale of war. 

Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detach 
ment of the gallant Onety-oneth under my orders suffered 
comparatively little. "Be cool, boys," I said; "it will be 
hot enough work for you ere long." The honest fellows 
answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our 
prisoner. 

"Countryman," said I, "I know you; but an Irishman 
was never a traitor." 

" Taisez-vous ! " said he, putting his finger to his lip. 
" C est la fortune de la guerre : if ever you come to Paris, 
ask for the Marquis D O Mahony, and I may render you 
the hospitality which your tyrannous laws prevent me 
from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race." 

I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimnied his 
eye. It was, then, the celebrated Colonel of the Irish 



58 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

Brigade, created a Marquis by Napoleon on the field of 
Austerlitz ! 

"Marquis," said I, "the country which disowns you is 
proud of you ; but ha ! here, if I mistake not, comes our 
signal to advance." And in fact Captain Vandeleur, rid 
ing up through the shower of shot, asked for the com 
mander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in 
readiness to move as soon as the flank companies of the 
Ninety-ninth, and Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade 
of the German Legion began to advance up the echelon. 
The devoted band soon arrived : Jack Bowser heading the 
Ninety -ninth, (when was he away and a storming party to 
the fore?), and the gallant Potztausend with his Hanoverian 
veterans. 

The second rocket flew up. 

"Forward, Onety-oneth," cried I, in a voice of thunder. 
"Killaloo boys, follow your Captain! 7 and with a shrill 
hurray, that sounded above the tremendous fire from the 
fort, we sprung up the steep; Bowser, with the brave 
Ninety- ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up 
with us. We passed the demilune, we cleared the culverin, 
bayoneting the artillerymen at their guns; we advanced 
across the two tremendous demilunes which flank the coun 
terscarp, and prepared for the final spring upon the citadel. 
Soult I could see quite pale on the wall ; and the scoundrel 
Cambaceres, who had been so nearly my prisoner that day, 
trembled as he cheered his men. " On boys, on ! " I 
hoarsely exclaimed. "Hurroo," said the fighting Onety- 
oneth. 

But there was a movement among the enemy. An offi 
cer, glittering with orders, and another in a grey coat and 
a cocked hat, came to the wall, and I recognised the Em 
peror Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat. 

c We are hardly pressed, niethinks," Napoleon said 
sternly. " I must exercise my old trade as an artillery 
man;* and Murat loaded, and the Emperor pointed the 
only hundred-and-twenty-four pounder that had not been 
silenced by our fire. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 59 

" Hurray, Killaloo boys ! " shouted I. The next moment 
a sensation of numbness and death seized me, and I lay like 
a corpse upon the rampart. 



" Hush ! " said a voice, which I recognised to be that of 
the Marquis D O Mahony. "Heaven be praised, reason 
has returned to you. For six weeks those are the only 
sane words I have heard from you." 

" Faix, and tis thrue for you, Colonel dear," cried another 
voice, with which I was even more familiar ; twas that of 
my honest and gallant Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering 
at my bedside, overjoyed at his master s recovery. 

" O rnusha ! Masther Phil. Agrah ! but this will be the 
great day intirely, when I send off the news, which I 
would, barrin I can t write, to the lady, your mother, and 
your sisters, at Castle Fogarty; and tis his Kiv rence 
Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the 
letthur ! Six weeks ravin and roarin as bould as a lion, 
and as mad as Mick Malony s pig, that mistuck Mick s 
wig for a cabbage, and died of atin it ! ? 

"And have I then lost my senses? " I exclaimed feebly. 

"Sure, didn t ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna 
only yesterday, and catch hould of me whiskers as if they 
were the Signora s jet black ringlets? " Lanty cried. 

At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful 
young creature I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair 
at the foot of the bed, and sailed out of the room. 

"Confusion! you blundering rogue," I cried, "who is 
that lovely lady whom you frightened away by your im 
pertinence? Donna Anna? Whereanr-I? 

"You are in good hands, Philip," said the Colonel, "you 
are at my house in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which 
I am the Military Governor. You and Lanty were knocked 
down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do not 
be ashamed : twas the Emperor pointed the gun ; 5; and 
the Colonel took off his hat as he mentioned the name dar 
ling to France. " When our troops returned from the sally 
in which your gallant storming-party was driven back, you 



60 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the 
city. Your reason had left you, however, when you re 
turned to life ; but, unwilling to desert the son of my old 
friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved my life in 98, I brought 
you in my carriage to Paris." 

"And many s the time you tried to jump out of the 
windy, Masther Phil," said Clancy. 

"Brought you to Paris," resumed the Colonel smiling, 
"where, by the soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, 
and Baron Larrey, you have been restored to health, thank 
Heaven ! 

"And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?" I 
cried. 

" That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my 
ward, a descendant of the gallant Lucan, and who may be, 
when she chooses, Madame la Marechale de Cambaceres, 
Duchess of Illyria." 

"Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my 
grasp? " I cried. 

" Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine? " the Colo 
nel replied. " C est la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon ; 
but calm yourself, and take this potion which Blanche has 
prepared for you." 

I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands 
had compounded it, and its effects were speedily beneficial 
to me, for I sank into a cool and refreshing slumber. 

From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the 
elasticity of youth s happy time. Blanche the enchant 
ing Blanche ministered henceforth to me, for I would 
take no medicine but from her lily hand. And what were 
the effects? Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was 
over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for 
Baron Larrey, and Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent 
to the right-about. In a short time I was in a situation to 
do justice to the gigot aux navets, the bceuf aux cornichons, 
and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis s board, 
with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen 
who frequented it. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 61 

"Wait till he s quite well, Miss," said Larry, who 
waited always behind me. "Faith! when he s in health, 
I d back him to ate a cow, barrin the horns and teel." I 
sent a decanter at the rogue s head, by way of answer to 
his impertinence. 

Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have 
my parole withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent 
to the English depot of prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis s 
interest with the Emperor prevailed, and I was allowed to 
remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners at the Colonel s 
hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity 
(an opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fel 
low with the accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of 
mixing with the elite of French society, and meeting with 
many of the great, the beautiful, and the brave. Talley 
rand was a frequent guest of the Marquis s. His bon-mots 
used to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his 
chop with us ; Murat, when in town, constantly dropt in 
for a cup of tea and friendly round game. Alas! who 
would have thought those two gallant heads would be 
so soon laid low ! My wife has a pair of earrings which 
the latter, who always wore them, presented to her but 
we are advancing matters. Anybody could see, " avec un 
demi-ceil as the Prince of Benevento remarked, how 
affairs went between me and Blanche; but though she 
loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his 
person, the brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs 
upon her. 

I recollect it was on St. Patrick s Day. My lovely 
friend had procured, from the gardens of the Empress 
Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved a thousand times 
more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired woman, 
between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of 
shamrock, to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris 
were invited to the national festival. 

I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with 
Pauline Bonaparte and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult 
went down a couple of sets with Madame Kecamier ; and 



62 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

.Robespierre s widow an excellent gentle creature, quite 
unlike her husband stood up with the Austrian Ambassa 
dor. Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and 
Nicholas Poussin, and Canova, who was in town making a 
statue of the Emperor, for Leo X., and in a word all the 
celebrities of Paris as my gifted countrywoman, the Wild 
Irish Girl, calls them were assembled in the Marquis s 
elegant receiving-rooms. 

At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlan- 
daise ! La Gigue Irlandaise ! a dance which had made a 
fureur amongst the Parisians ever since the lovely Blanche 
Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward and took 
me for a partner, and amidst the bravos of the crowd, in 
which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram, 
and the Austrian Ambassador, we showed to the beau 
monde of the French capital, I flatter myself, a not unfa 
vourable specimen of the dance of our country. 

As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling 
it in the " rail " style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, 
and said, "Be on your guard; I see Carnbaceres talking to 
Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about us and when Otranto 
turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good." 

"Carnbaceres is jealous," said I. "I have it," says she; 
"I ll make him dance a turn with me." So presently, as 
the music was going like mad all this time, I pretended 
fatigue from, my late wounds, and sate down. The lovely 
Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Carnbaceres as 
a second partner. 

The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts 
to give himself a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon 
him was speedily visible. He puffed and snorted like a 
walrus, drops trickled down his purple face, while my 
lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble 
quick, till she fairly danced him down. 

"Who ll take the flure with me? "said the charming 
girl, animated by the sport. 

"Faix, den, tis I, Lanty Clancy! " cried my rascal, who 
had been mad with excitement at the scene ; and, stepping 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 63 

in with a whoop and a hurroo, he began to dance with such 
a rapidity, as made all present stare. 

As the couple were footing it, there was the noise as of 
a cavalcade rapidly traversing the Place Vendome, and 
stopping at the Marquis s door. A crowd appeared to 
mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room 
were flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties 
the Emperor and the Empress. So engaged were Lanty 
and Blanche, that they never heard the tumult occasioned 
by the august approach. 

It was indeed the Emperor, who returning from the 
Theatre Frangais, and seeing the Marquis s windows lighted 
up, proposed to the Empress to drop in on the party. He 
made signs to the musicians to continue ; and the conqueror 
of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the sim 
ple evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Em 
press smiled ; and, seeing this, all the courtiers, including 
Naples and Talleyrand, were delighted. 

" Is not this a great day for Ireland? " said the Marquis, 
with a tear trickling down his noble face. "0 Ireland! 
O my country ! But no more of that. Go up, Phil, you 
divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch or negus." 



Among the young fellows with whom I was most inti 
mate in Paris, was Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill- 
used and unhappy Josephine by her former marriage with 
a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack of 
the old blood in him, Eugene s manners were much more 
refined than those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the 
Emperor s Court; where (for my knife and fork was regu 
larly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my poor friend 
Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the 
gaHant Massena devour peas by means of his knife, in a 
way more innocent than graceful. Talleyrand, Eugene, 
and I, used often to laugh at these eccentricities of our 
brave friends, who certainly did not shine in the drawing- 
room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle. 



64 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and 
was full of kindness and attention. " I like Eugene " (he 
would say to me, pinching my ear confidentially, as his 
way was,) "I like Eugene to keep company with such 
young fellows as you ; you have manners ; you have prin 
ciples ; my rogues from the camp have none. And I like 
you, Philip my boy," he added, "for being so attentive to 
my poor wife the Empress Josephine, I mean." All 
these honours made my friends at the Marquis s very 
proud, and my enemies at Court crever with envy. Among 
these, the atrocious Cainbaceres was not the least active 
and envenomed. 

The cause of the many attentions which were paid to 
me, and which, like a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to 
attribute to my own personal amiability, soon was appar 
ent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from 
my conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the 
war, the Emperor was most anxious to attach me to his 
service. The Grand Cross of St. Louis, the title of Count, 
the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the 14rne 
Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered 
to me ; and, must I say it ! Blanche, the lovely, the per 
fidious Blanche, was one of the agents employed to tempt 
me to commit this act of treason. 

" Object to enter a foreign service ! " she said, in reply to 
my refusal. " It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign ser 
vice. The Irish nation is in exile, and in the territories of 
its French allies. Irish traitors are not here; they march 
alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom the great 
Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but 
for the fatal valour of Irish mercenaries! Accept this 
offer, and my heart, my hand, my all are yours. Refuse 
it, Philip, and we part." 

"To wed the abominable Cainbaceres! I cried, stung 
with rage. " To wear a duchess s coronet, Blanche ! Ha, 
ha! Mushrooms, instead of strawberry-leaves, should 
decorate the brows of the upstart French nobility. I shall 
withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison to 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 65 

be exchanged to die anything rather than be a traitor, 
and the tool of a traitress ! Taking up my hat, I left the 
room in a fury; and flinging open the door, tumbled over 
Cambaceres, who was listening at the keyhole, and must 
have overheard every word of our conversation. 

We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking 
with laughter at our mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only 
made me more mad ; and, having spurs on, I began digging 
them into Cambaceres fat sides as we rolled on the carpet, 
until the Marshal howled with rage and anger. 

" This insult must be avenged with blood ! " roared the 
Duke of Illyria. 

"I have already drawn it," says I, "with my spurs." 

" Malheur et malediction ! " roared the Marshal. 

"Hadn t you better settle your wig? ; says I, offering 
it to him on the tip of my cane, "and we ll arrange time 
and place when you have put your jasey in order." I 
shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast at 
me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his 
mistress. 

"Lady Blanche," I continued bitterly, "as you look to 
share the Duke s coronet, hadn t you better see to his 
wig? 3 and so saying I cocked my hat, and walked out of 
the Marquis s place, whistling "Garryowen." 

I knew my man would not be long in following me, and 
waited for him in the Place Vendome, where I luckily met 
Eugene too, who was looking at the picture-shop in the 
corner. I explained to him my affair in a twinkling. He 
at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended 
me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had 
been made to me. "I knew it would be so," he said 
kindly; "I told my father you wouldn t. A man with 
the blood of the Fogarties, Phil, my boy, doesn t wheel 
about like these fellows of yesterday." So, when Cam 
baceres came out, which he did presently, with a more 
furious air than before, I handed him at once over to 
Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and an early 
hour for the meeting to take place. 



66 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

"Can you make it before eleven, Phil? " said Beauhar- 
nais. "The Emperor reviews the troops in the Bois de 
Boulogne at that hour, and we might fight there handy be 
fore the review." 

" Done ! " said I. " I want, of all things, to see the newly 
arrived Saxon cavalry manoeuvre ; ?: on which Cambaceres 
giving me a look, as much as to say, " See sights! Watch 
cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and take measure 
for a coffin, my boy ! walked away, naming our mutual 
acquaintance, Marshal 3STey, to Eugene, as his second in the 
business. 

I had purchased from Murat a very tine Irish horse, 
Bugaboo out of Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into 
the French ranks at Salamanca, with poor Jack Clonakilty, 
of the 13th, dead on the top of him. Bugaboo was much 
too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though a 
showy horseman, was a bad rider across country ; and I 
got the horse for a song. A wickeder and uglier brute 
never wore pig-skin j and I never put my leg over such a 
timber- jumper in my life. I rode the horse down to the 
Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cain- 
bace res was to come off, and Lanty held him as I went in 
" sure to win," as they say in the ring. 

Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French 
army ; but I, who am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought 
a man was bigger, and that I could wing him if I had a 
mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both fired ; I 
felt a whizz past my left ear, and putting up my hand 
there, found a large piece of my whiskers gone ; whereas 
at the same moment, and shrieking a horrible malediction, 
my adversary reeled and fell. 

" Man Dieu, il est mart! " cried Ney. 

"Pas du tout" said Beauharnais. " Ecoute ; il jure 
toujours." 

And such, indeed, was the fact : the supposed dead man 
lay on the ground cursing most frightfully. We went up 
to him: he was blind with the loss of blood, and my 
ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He recov- 






NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 67 

ered; but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto 
in the French army, afterwards. The surgeon in attend 
ance having taken charge of this unfortunate warrior, we 
rode off to the review, where Ney and Eugene were on 
duty at the head of their respective divisions ; and where, 
by the way, Canibaceres, as the French say, " se faisait 
desirer. " 

It was arranged that Cambace res division of six bat 
talions and nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a 
ricochet movement, supported by artillery in the intervals, 
and converging by different epaulements on the light infan 
try, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line. It was 
by this famous manosuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte, 
at Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff, 
Prince Charles, and General Castanos were defeated with 
such victorious slaughter : but it is a movement which, I 
need not tell every military man, requires the greatest 
delicacy of execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army 
into confusion. 

" Where is the Duke of Illyria? " Napoleon asked. "At 
the head of his division, no doubt," said Murat: at which 
Eugene, giving me an arch look, put his hand to his nose, 
and caused me almost to fall off my horse with laughter. 
Napoleon looked sternly at me ; but at this moment the 
troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began, 
and His Majesty s attention was taken off from my impu 
dence. 

Milhaud s Dragoons, their bauds playing Vive Henri 
Quatre, their cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved 
upon their own centre from the left flank in the most bril 
liant order, while the Carabineers of Foy, and the Grena 
diers of the Guard under Drouet d Erlon executed a caram- 
bolade on the right, with the precision which became those 
veteran troops; but the Chasseurs of the young guard, 
marching by twos instead of threes, bore consequently upon 
the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and ill-affected 
body), and these, falling back in disorder, became entan 
gled with the artillery and the left centre of the line, and 



68 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

in one instant thirty thousand men were in inextricable 
confusion. 

" Clubbed, by Jabers ! " roared out Lanty Clancy. " I 
wish we could show ? em the Fighting Onety-Oneth, Cap 
tain, darling." 

" Silence, fellow ! " I exclaimed. I never saw the face 
of a man express passion so vividly as now did the livid 
countenance of Napoleon. He tore off General Milhaud s 
epaulettes, which he flung into Foy s face. He glared 
about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for 
the Duke of Illyria. "He is wounded, Sire," said General 
Foy, wiping a tear from his eye, which was blackened by 
the force of the blow ; " he was wounded an hour since in 
a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de 
Fogarty." 

" Wounded ! a Marshal of France wounded ! Where is 
the Englishman? Bring him out, and let a file of grena 
diers " 

" Sire ! " interposed Eugene. 

" Let him be shot ! " shrieked the Emperor, shaking his 
spyglass at me with the fury of a fiend. 

This was too much. " Here goes ! " said I, and rode slap 
at him. 

There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the 
French army, and I should think at least forty thousand 
guns were levelled at me in an instant. But as the muskets 
were not loaded, and the cannon had only wadding in 
them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty 
from this discharge. 

Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor s head, 
and Bugaboo went at it like a shot. He was riding his 
famous white Arab, and turned quite pale as I came up 
and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely brush 
ing the cockade which he wore. 

" Bravo ! said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the 
leap. 

" Cut him down ! " said Sieves, once an Abbe, but now a 
gigantic Cuirassier ; and he made a pass at me with his 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 69 

sword. But he little knew an Irishman on an Irish horse. 
Bugaboo cleared Sieyes and fetched the monster a slap 
with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his 
saddle and away I went, with an army of a hundred-and- 
seyenty-three thousand eight hundred men at my heels, 



70 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 



CRINOLINE. 

BY JE MES PL SH, ESQ. 

I M not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes 
of the igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those 
unlightnd paytrons of letarature and true connyshures of 
merrit the great Brittish public But I pledgj my varacity 
that this singular story of rewmantic love, absobbing pashn, 
and likewise of genteel life, is, in the main fax, trew. The 
suckmstanzas I elude to, occur d in the rain of our presnt 
Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince 
Halbert. 

Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18 (mor I dar 
not rewheel) there arrived in this metropulus, per seknd 
class of the London and Dover Railway, an ellygant young 
foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate Munseer 
Jools de Chacabac. 

Having read through the " Vicker of Wackfield " in the 
same oridganal English tung, in which this very harticle I 
write is wrote too, and halways been remarkyble, both at 
collidge and in the estamminy, for his aytred and orror of 
perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by the 
prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris, 
the very man to come to this country, igsarnin its manners 
and customs, cast an i upon the politticle and finanshle stat 
of the Hempire, and igspose the mackynations of the infy- 
mus Palnierston, and the ebomminable Sir Pill both ene 
mies of France, as is every other Britten of that great, 
gloarus, libberal, and peasable country. In one word, 
Jools de Chacabac was a penny-a-liner. 

"I will go and see with my own Fs," he said, "that 
infimus hiland of which the innabitants are shopkeepers, 
gorged with roast beef and treason. I will go and see the 
murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the Chynese, the 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 71 

villains who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany, 
the artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with their 
cotton, and can t sleep or restheasy for henvy and hatred of 
the great inwinsable French nation. I will igsammin, face 
to face, these hotty insularies ; I will pennytrate into the 
secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard Palmer- 
ston in his denn." When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton 
(after haying been tremenguously sick in the four-cabbing), 
he exclaimed, " Enfin je te tiens, He maudite ! je te crache a 
la figure, veille Angleterre ! Je tefoule a mes pieds au nom 
du monde outrage," and so proseaded to inwade the me- 
tropulus. 

As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and 
git the best of infamation about this country, Munseer Jools 
of coarse went and lodgd in Lester Square Lester Squarr, 
as he calls it which, as he was infomrned in the printed 
suckular presented to him by a very greasy but polite com- 
ishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the 
town, contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple 
Theayters, the Parx, St. Jams Pallice and the Corts of 
Lor. " I can surwhey them all at one cut of the eye," 
Jools thought ; " the Sovring, the inf amus Ministers plot 
ting the destruction of my immortial country ; the business 
and pleasure of these pusproud Londoners and aristoxy ; I 
can look round and see all." So he took a three-pair back 
in a French hotel, the Hotel de 1 Ail, kep by Monsieur 
Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr, London. 

In this Otell there s a billiard-room on the first floor, and 
a tabbledoat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o clock; and the 
landlord, who kem into Jools s room smoakin a segar, told 
the young gent that the house was friquented by all the 
British nobillaty, who reglar took their dinners there. 
"They can t ebide their own quise&n^ he said. " You ll 
see what a dinner we ll serve you to-day." Jools wrote off 
to his paper 

"The members of the haughty and luxurious English 
aristocracy, like all the rest of the world, are obliged to fly 

to France for the indulgence of their luxuries. The nobles 
4 Vol. 19 



72 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

of England, quitting their homes, their wives, miladies 
and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally at the 
tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel 
and Palmerston. Ifremis to think that I may meet them 
at the board to day." 

Singular to say, Peel and Palmerston didn t dine at the 
Hotel de PAil on that evening, "It s quite igstronnary 
they don t come/ 7 said Munseer de PAil. 

"Peraps they re ingaged at some boxing match, or some 
combaw de cock," Munseer Jools sejestedj and the landlord 
egreed that was very likely. 

Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring 
sociaty, of every nation under the sun. Most of the noble 
men were great hamatures of hale and porter. The table 
cloth was marked over with brown suckles, made by the 
pewter pots on that and the privious days. 

" It is the usage here," wrote Jools to his newspaper, 
"among the Anglais of the fashonne to absorb immense 
quantities of ale and porter during their meals. These 
stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors are 
served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafa- 
naf (so a certain sort of beer is called) was placed by the 
side of most of the convives. I was disappointed of seeing 
Sir Peel : he was engaged to a combat of cocks which oc 
curs at Windsor." 

Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, 
excep when the gentlemen said "Garsong de V afanaf," 
but Jools was very much pleased to meet the eleet of the 
foringers in town, and ask their opinions about the reel 
state of thinx. Was it likely that the Bishops were to be 
turned out of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true 
that Lor Palmerston had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the 
House of Lords, until they were sepparayted by the Lor 
Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn t he Premier 
Minister? and wasn t the Archeve que de Canterbury a 
Quaker? He got answers to these questions from the va 
rious gents round about during the dinner which, he re 
marked, was very much like a French dinner, only dirtier. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 73 

And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his news 
paper. 

"The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier 
Ministre. His Grace has his dwelling in the City. The 
Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker, as some 
people stated. Quakers may not marry nor sit in the 
Chamber of Peers. The minor Bishops have seats in the 
House of Commons, where they are attacked by the bitter 
pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is in the House ; 
he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who con 
ferred upon him the seat," etc. etc. 

His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at 
pool with two Poles, a Bulgian, and 2 of his own country 
men. This being done amidst more hafanaf, without which 
nothink is done in England, and as there was no French 
play that night, he and the two French gents walked round 
and round Lester Squar smoking segaws in the faces of 
other French gents who were smoaking 2. And they 
talked about the granjer of France and the perfidgusness 
of England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Ma 
dame Wharton as Haryadne, till bed-time. But befor he 
slep, he finished his letter you may be sure, and called it 
his "Fust Imprestiuns of Anglyterre." 

"Mind and wake me early," he said to Boots, the ony 
British subject in the Hotel de 1 Ail, and who therefore 
didn t understand him. " I wish to be at Smithfield at 6 
hours to see the men sell their wives." 

And the young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a 
one he d buy. 

This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infama 
tion about Hengland and the Henglish walking round, 
and round Lester Squarr all day, and every day with the 
same company, occasionally dewussified by an Oprer Chorus- 
singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quad- 
drant admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools 
was not over well funnisht with pocket-money, and so his 
pleasure was of the gratis sort cheafly. 

Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

among the aristoxy, under the Quadrant they were struck 

all of a heap by seeing But, stop, who was Jools s 

friend ? But the Istory of Jools s friend must be kep for 
another innings. 



Not fur from that knowble and cheerfle Squear which 
Munseer Jools de Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in 
London not fur, I say, from Lester Squarr, is a rainje of 
bildings called Pipping s Bow, leading to Blue Lion Court, 
leading to St. Martin s Lane. You know Pipping s Build 
ings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where 
Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver 
a-cuttin the varous jints), and by the little fishmungur s, 
where you remark the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown pickle- 
sammon, the playbills, and the gingybear bottles in the 
window above all, by the Constantinople Divan, kep by 
the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of "a 
prime sigaw and an exlent cup of red Moky Coffy for 6d." 

The Constantinople Divan is .greatly used by the foring 
gents of Lester Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass 
down Pippin g s Buildings without seeing a haf-a-duzen of 
em 011 the threshole of the extablishment, giving the street 
an opportunity of testing the odar of the Misses Mordeky s 
prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable inside, 
settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav- 
rit whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly, 
or the flagrant and arheumatic Qby. 

" These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly 
resott of the young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young 
Pier, after an arjus day at the House of Commons, solazes 
himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the national beve- 
ridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the day, 
or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor." 

So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the 
Horriflam ; and of this back-parlor and baggytell bord, of 
this counter, of this Constantinople Divan, he became al 
most as reglar a frequenter as the plaster of Parish Turk 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 75 

who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue coffee 
cups in the winder. 

I have of tin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner 
of the Diwann, listened to Jools and his friends inwaying 
aginst Hingland, and boastin of their own immortial coun 
try. How they did go on about Wellintun, and what an 
arty contarnp they ad for him ! how they used to prove 
that France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample 
and Hadmiration of the whole world. And though I 
scarcely take a French paper nowadays (I lived in early 
days as groom in a French famly three years, and there 
fore knows the languidg), though, I say, you can t take up 
Jools s paper, the Orriftam, without readin that a minister 
has committed bribery and perjury, or that a littery man 
has committed perjury and murder, or that a Duke has 
stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some story equally hor- 
rable; yet for all that it s admiral to see how the French 
gents will swagger, how they will be the scentersof civili 
sation how they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and 
nothink shall prevent em knowing they will have it, I 
say I listen, smokin my pip in silence. But to our tail. 

Beglar every evening there came to the Constantanople a 
young gent etired in the igth of fashn ; and indeed present 
ing by the cleanlyness of his appearants and linning (which 
was generally a pink or blew shurt, with a cricketer or a 
dansuse pattern) rayther a contrast to the dinjy and wist- 
kcard sosiaty of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young 
mann had none beyond a little yallow tought to his chin, 
which you woodn notas, only he was always pulling at it. 
His statue was diminnative, but his coschume supubb, for 
he had the tippiest Jane boots, the ivoryheadest canes, the 
most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most Scotch- 
plaidest trowseys, of any customer of that establishment. 
He was univusaly called Milord. 

1 Qui est cejeune seigneur ? Who is this young hurl, who 
comes knightly to the Constantanople, who is so proddigl 
of his gold, (for indeed the young gent would frequinly 
propoase gininwater to the company), and who drinks so 



76 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

much, gin? asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the 
Hotel de 1 Ail. 

"His name is Lord Yardhain," answered that friend. 
"He never conies here but at night and why? 

" Y? igsclaimed Jools, istonisht. 

" Why? because he is engaygd all day and do you 
know where he is engaygd all day? 

" Where? asked Jools. 

"At the Foring Office now do you beginn to under 
stand? 1 -Jools trembled. 

"He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office. Who 
is the head of that offis? Palmerston." 

" The nephew of Palrnerston ! said Jools, almost in a 
fit. 

"Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French," the other 
went on. " He pretends he can only say wee and commong 
porty voo. Shallow humbug! I have marked him during 
our conversations. When we have spoken of the glory of 
France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and 
his perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have dis 
cussed before him, the Imprudents ! the affairs of Europe, 
and Kaggybritchovich has shown us the next Circassian 
Campaign, or Sapousne has laid bare the plan of the Cala- 
brian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this 
stranger this Lor Yardham. He smokes, tis to conceal 
his countenance ; he drinks gin, tis to hide his face in the 
goblet. And be sure, he carries every word of our conver 
sation to the perfidious Palmerston, his uncle." 

"I will beard him in his den," thought Jools. "I will 
meet him corps-a-corps the tyrant of Europe shall suffer 
through his nephew, and I will shoot him as dead as Dujar- 
rier." 

When Lor Yardham came to the Constantinople that 
night, Jools i d him savidgely f rom edd to foot, while Lord 
Yardham replied the same. It wasn t much for either to 
do neyther being more than 4 foot ten hi Jools was a 
grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was 
as brayv as a lion. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 77 

" Ah, V Angleterre, V Angleterre, tu nous dais une revanche," 
said Jooles, crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at 
Lord Yardham. 

"Wee," said Lord Yardham; "wee." 

" Delenda est Carthago f howled out Jools. 

" 0, wee," said the Eii of Yardham, and at the same rno- 
mint his glas of ginawater coming in, he took a drink, say 
ing, " A voter santy, Munseer " : and then he offered it like 
a man of fashn to Jools. 

A light broak on Jools s mind as he igsepted the re- 
freshmint. "Sapoase,"he said, "instead of slaughtering 
this nephew of the infamous Palrnerston, I extract his 
secrets from him-, suppose I pump him suppose I unveil 
his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may 
hear the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honour 
may glitter on my bosom." 

So, axepting Lord Yardham 7 s cortasy, he returned it by 
ordering another glass of gin at his own expense, and they 
both drank it on the counter, where Jools talked of the 
affaers of Europ all night. To everything he said, the Earl 
of Yardham answered " Wee, wee ; : except at the end of 
the evening, when he squeeged his & and said "Bong 



swore. 



"There s nothing like goin amongst 7 em to equire the 
reel pronounciation," his Lordship said, as he let himself 
into his lodgings with his latch-key. " That was a very 
eloquent young gent at the Constantinople, and I ll patro 
nise him." 

"Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai f " Jools remarked to 
himself as he went to bed in his Hotel de 1 Ail. And they 
met the next night, and from that heavning the young men 
were continyonally together. 

Well, one day as they were walking in the Quadrant, 
Jools talking, and Lord Yardham saying "Wee, wee," 

they were struck all of a heap by seeing But my 

paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in 
the nex number. 



78 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

CHAPTER III. 

THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO. 

THE travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the 
fair rellum of Franse, (as a great romantic landskippist and 
neamsack of mind would say) never chaumed his i s with a 
site more lovely, or vu ? d a pallis more magniffiznt than 
that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew 
Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes 
the selvery Garonne wines, like like a benevvolent sar- 
pent. In its plasid busum antient cassles, picturask wil- 
lidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple hills, 
crownd with in teak ruings; rivvilets babbling through 
gentle greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hover- 
anging vines, and from which the appy and peaseful oku- 
pier can cast his glans over goolden waving cornfealds, and 
M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are graysinn ; 
while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away 
the leisure mominx on his loot these hoffer but a phaint 
pictur of the rurial felissaty in the midst of widge Crino 
line and Hesteria de Viddlers were bawn. 

Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the 
Legend of Honor and of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden 
Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and Castle, and of the 
Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chambeiieng of the 
Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c., &c., 
&c., is the twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the 
Tittle ; is disended lenyally from King Pipping, and has 
almost as antient a paddygree as any which the Ollywell 
Street frends of the Member of Buckinunisheer can supply. 

His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. 
Cornichon, quitted this mortial spear very soon after she 
had presented her Lord with the two little dawling Cherry- 
bins above dixcribed, in whornb, after the loss of that angle 
his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on huth. 
In all his emusements they ecarnpanied him ; their edjaca- 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 79 

tion was Ms sole bisniss ; he ateheaved it with the assist 
ance of the ugliest and most lernid masters, and the most 
hidjus and egsirnplary governices which money could pro 
cure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these 
Budds, which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined 
in blooming flagrance round his pirentile Busm ! 

The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the 
Marcus and his lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their 
naybrood but was edawned by their elygint benifisms, and 
where the inhabitnts weren t rendered appy. It was a 
pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk were 
wertuous and tockative, ad red stockins, and i-eeled drab 
shoes, and beautiful snowy air. All the old women had 
peaked ats, and crookid cains, and chince gowns tucked 
into the pockits of their quiltid petticoats; they sat in 
pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the lads and 
lassis of the villidges danst under the heliums. O, tis a 
noble sight to whitniss that of an appy pheasantry ! Not 
one of those rustic wassals of the Ouse of Widdlers, but 
ad his hair curled and his shirt sleaves tied up with pink 
ribbing as he led to the macy dance some appy country gal, 
with a black velvit boddice, and a redd or yaller petticoat, 
a hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her 
air! 

When the Marcus and ther young ladies came to the vil 
lidge it would have done the i s of the flanthropist good to 
see how all reseaved em! The little children scattered 
calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired old men with 
red faces and rinkles took off their brown-paper ats to 
slewt the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a 
woodn bank painted to look like a bower of roses, and 
when they were sett down danst bally s before them. O 
twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, srnilin ellygint 
with fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young 
Marchynisses with their ploornes, and trains, and little 
coronicks ! 

They lived in a tremenjus splendor at home in their 
pyturnle alls, and had no end of pallises, willers, and towa 



80 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

and country resadences, but their fayvorit resadence was 
called the Castle of the Island of Togo. 

Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlinsgby himself, 
I coodnt dixcribe the gawjusness of their aboad. They add 
twenty-four footmen in livery, besides a boy in codroys 
for the knives and shoes. They had nine meels aday 
Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young 
ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry- 
cobblers, lobster-salids, or maids of honour, they had but 
to ring the bell and call for what they chose. They had 
two new dresses every day one to ride out in the open 
carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of the Castle 
of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night 
like Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there 
ready to dance with them, and festif suppers concluded 
the jawyus night. 

Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Misfortune 
bust upon this appy fammaly. Etached to his Princes 
and abommanating the ojous Lewyphlip, the Marcus was 
conspiring for the benefick of the helder branch of the 
Borebones and what was the consquince? One night a 
neat presented itself round the Castle of the Island of 
Fogo and skewering only a couple of chests of jewils, the 
Marcus and the two young ladies in disgyise, fled from that 
island of bliss. And whither fled they? To England! 
England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world, 
where the pore slave never setts his foot, but he is free ! 

Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends 
of ours by the Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daugh 
ters, walking with their page from Ungerford Market 
(where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps for the 
umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his 
equaintnce, Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired. 

But how had those two young Erows become equainted 
with the noble Marcus? That is a mistry we must elucy- 
date in a futur vollam. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 81 



THE STARS AND STRIPES. 

BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS," 

"PILOT," ETC. 

THE King of France was walking on the terrace of Ver 
sailles; the fairest, not only of Queens, but of women, 
hung fondly on the Royal arm ; while the children of 
France were indulging in their infantile hilarity in the 
alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which 
Niblo s garden has been copied, in our own Empire city of 
New York), and playing at leap-frog with their uncle, 
the Count of Provence ; gaudy courtiers, emblazoned with 
orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous 
talk in the ears of high-bred beauty. 

"Marie, my beloved," said the ruler of France, taking 
out his watch, " tis time that the Minister of America 
should be here." 

"Your Majesty should know the time," replied Marie 
Antoinette, archly, and in an Austrian accent; "is not my 
Royal Louis the first watchmaker in his empire? 

The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and 
kissed with courtly grace the fair hand of her who had 
made him. the compliment. 

"My Lord Bishop of Autun," said he to Monsieur de 
Talleyrand Perigord, who followed the royal pair, in his 
quality of Arch-Chamberlain of the Empire, " I pray you 
look through the gardens, and tell His Excellency Doctor 
Franklin that the King waits." The Bishop ran off, with 
more than youthful agility, to seek the United States Min 
ister. "These Republicans," he added, confidentially, and 
with something of a supercilious look, " are but rude cour 
tiers, methinks." 

"Nay," interposed the lovely Antoinette, "rude cour 
tiers, Sire, they may be ; but the world boasts not of more 



82 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

accomplished gentlemen. I have seen no grandee of Ver 
sailles that has the noble bearing of this American Envoy 
and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World, 
with all the simple elegance of the "New. Though they 
have perfect dignity of manner, they have an engaging 
modesty which I have never seen equalled by the best of 
the proud English nobles with whom they wage war, I 
am told they speak their very language with a grace which 
the haughty Islanders who oppress them never attained. 
They are independent, yet never insolent; elegant, yet 
always respectful; and brave, but not in the least boast 
ful." r : .-\ -.-.; 

"What! savages and all, Marie? exclaimed Louis, 
laughing and chucking the lovely Queen playfully under 
the Eoyal chin. " But here comes Doctor Franklin, and 
your friend the Cacique with him." In fact, as the mon 
arch spoke, the Minister of the United States made his ap 
pearance, followed by a gigantic warrior in the garb of his 
native woods. 

Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign State 
(yielding even then in dignity to none, as it surpasses all 
now in dignity, in valour, in honesty, in strength, and 
civilisation), the Doctor nodded to the Queen of France, 
but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and 
did not cease whittling the cane he carried in his hand. 

" I was waiting for you, Sir," the king said peevishly, in 
spite of the alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his 
royal arm. 

"The business of the Republic, Sire, must take prece 
dence even of your Majesty s wishes," replied Dr. Frank 
lin. "When I was a poor printer s boy, and ran errands, 
no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben Franklin; 
but all other things must yield to the service of the United 
States of North America. I have done. What would 
you, Sire? ; and the intrepid Eepublican eyed the monarch 
with a serene and easy dignity which made the descendant 
of St. Louis feel ill at ease. 

" I wished to to say farewell to Tatua before his de- 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 83 

parture," said Louis XVI., looking rather awkward. "Ap 
proach, Tatua." And the gigantic Indian strode up, and 
stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the French 
nation ; again the feeble monarch quailed before the terri 
ble simplicity of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval 
forests. 

The redoubted Chief of the Nose-ring Indians was deco 
rated in his war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock s 
feather, which had been given him out of the head-dress 
of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe. His nose, from 
which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe 
took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of 
green and orange was drawn round each eye, while serpen 
tine stripes of black, white, and vermilion alternately were 
smeared on his forehead, and descended over his cheek 
bones to his chin. His manly chest was similarly tattooed 
and painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung 
innumerable bracelets and necklaces of human teeth, ex 
tracted (one only from each skull) from the jaws of those 
who had fallen by the terrible tomahawk at his girdle. 
His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped on his 
arm, and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed 
with tufts of hair the black, the grey, the auburn, the 
golden ringlet of beauty, the red lock from the forehead of 
the Scottish or the Northern soldier, the snowy tress of 
extreme old age, the flaxen down of infancy all were 
there, dreadful reminiscences of the chief s triumphs in 
war The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle, and faced 
the King. 

"And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe 
in 57? said Louis, eyeing the warrior and his weapon. 
" 7 Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I could mend it," he 
added mentally. 

"The Chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth," 
Tatua said " Tatua was a boy when he went first on the 
war-path with Montcalin." 

" And shot a Wolfe at the first fire ! " said the King. 

" The English are braves, though their faces are white," 



84 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

replied the Indian. " Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the 
English, but the other wolves caused the foxes to go to 
earth." A smile played round Dr. Franklin s lips, as he 
whittled his cane with more vigour than ever. 

" I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service 
elsewhere than at Quebec," the King said, appealing to 
the American Envoy; "at Bunker s Hill, at Brandy wine, 
at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave French 
men are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but 
that the war will finish quickly yes, yes, it will finish 
quickly. They will teach you discipline, and the way to 
conquer." 

"King Louis of France," said the Envoy, clapping his 
hat down over his head, and putting his arms akimbo, " we 
have learned that from the British, to whom we are supe 
rior in everything: and I d have your Majesty to know, 
that in the art of whipping the world, we have no need of 
any French lessons. If your reglars jines General Wash 
ington, tis to larn from, him how Britishers are licked, for 
I m blest if yu know the way yet." 

Tatua said, " Ugh," and gave a rattle with the butt of 
his carabine, which made the timid monarch start; the 
eyes of the lovely Antoinette flashed fire, but it played 
round the head of the dauntless American Envoy harmless 
as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away. 

The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross 
of the Order of the Bath. "Your Excellency wears no 
honour," the monarch said; "but Tatua, who is not a sub 
ject, only an ally of the United States, may. Noble Tatua, 
I appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the 
Bath. Wear this cross upon your breast in memory of 
Louis of France ; : and the King held out the decoration to 
the Chief. 

Up to that moment the Chief s countenance had been 
impassible. No look either of admiration or dislike had 
appeared upon that grim and war-painted visage. But 
now, as Louis spoke, Tatua s face assumed a glance of in 
effable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble. 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 85 

" I will give it to one of iny squaws," he said. " The 
papooses in my lodge will play with it. Come, Medicine, 
Tatua will go and drink fire-water ; " and, shouldering his 
carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony upon 
the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of 
the walks of the garden. Franklin found him when his 
own interview with the French Chief Magistrate was over, 
being attracted to the spot where the Chief was, by the 
crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his 
quiet way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards 
through his cockade. 

Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the Repu- 
diator, was sailing out of Brest Harbour, the gigantic form 
of an Indian might be seen standing on the binnacle in 
conversation with Commodore Bowie, the commander of 
the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings. 



Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua 
when he went to the Parisian metropolis on a visit to 
the father of the French pale-faces. Neither the Legs nor 
the Sailor cared for the gaiety and the crowd of cities; 
the stout mariner s home was in the puttock-shrouds of the 
old Repudiator. The stern and simple trapper loved the 
sound of the waters better than the jargon of the French 
of the old country. "I can follow the talk of a Pawnee," 
he said, "or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids me to 
speak, by a Sioux s council-fire; and I can patter Canadian 
French with the hunters who come for peltries to Nachi- 
toches or Thichimuchimachy ; but from, the tongue of a 
French- woman, with white flour on her head, and war 
paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty Purnpo." 

" Amen and amen ! " said Tom Coxswain. " There was 
a woman in our aft-scuppers when I went a-whalin in the 
little Grampus and Lord love you, Pumpo, you poor 
land-swab, she was as pretty a craft as ever dowsed a tar- 
pauling there was a woman on board the Grampus, who 
before we d struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, 



86 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

set the whole crew in a mutiny. I mind me of her now, 
Natty her eye was sich a piercer that you could see to 
steer by it in a Newfoundland fog ; her nose stood out like 
the Grampus s jib-booni, and her woice, Lord love you, her 
woice sings in my ears even now: it set the Captain 
a-quarrelin with the Mate, who was hanged in Boston har 
bour for harpooninof his officer in Baffin s Bay; it set me 
and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each other s old 
timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women 
that ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years pay 
as I d stowed away for the old mother, and might have 
cost me ever so much more, only bad luck to me, she went 
and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and I ve hated 
women and tailors ever since ! As he spoke, the hardy 
tar dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek, and once 

more betook himself to splice the taffrail. 

* * 

Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she 
was not idle. The gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew 
made repeated descents upon the enemy s seaboard. The 
coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have still many 
a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British 
fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terri 
ble Eepudiator. She was the first of the mighty American 
war-ships that have taught the domineering Briton to re 
spect the valour of the Republic . 

The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt 
the sterner tone of the historian, when describing deeds 
connected with his country s triumphs. It is well known 
that during the two months in which she lay off Havre, 
the Repudiator had brought more prizes into that port than 
had ever before been seen in the astonished French waters. 
Her actions with the Dettingen and the Elector frigates 
form part of our country s history; their defence it may 
be said without prejudice to national vanity was worthy 
of Britons and of the audacious foe they had to encounter ; 
and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which 
presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the 
chance of the combat might have been in favour of the 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 87 

British vessels. It was not until the Elector blew up, at a 
quarter-past 3 P.M., by a lucky shot which fell into her 
caboose, and communicated with the powder-magazine, 
that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on board 
the Dettingen, which he carried sword in hand. Even 
when the American boarders had made their lodgment on 
the Dettingen s binnacle, it is possible that the battle 
would still have gone against us. The British were still 
seven to one ; their carronades, loaded with marline-spikes, 
swept the gun-deck, of which we had possession, and deci 
mated our little force ; when a rifle-ball from the shrouds 
of the Repudiator shot Captain Mumford under the star of 
the Guelphic Order, which he wore, and the Americans, 
with a shout, rushed up the companion to the quarter-deck, 
upon the astonished foe. Pike and cutlass did the rest of 
the bloody work. Eumford, the gigantic first lieutenant 
of the Dettingen, was cut down by Commodore Bowie s 
own sword, as they engaged hand to hand; and it was 
Tom Coxswain who tore down the British flag, after having 
slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be to the souls 
of the brave ! The combat was honourable alike to the vic 
tor and the vanquished ; and it never can be said that an 
American warrior depreciated a gallant foe. The bitter 
ness of defeat was enough to the haughty islanders who 
had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining 
the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel 
must have been the pang to them when they saw the Stars 
and Stripes rise over the old flag of the Union, and the 
Dettingen fall down the river in tow of the republican 
frigate. 

Another action Bowie contemplated; the boldest and 
most daring perhaps ever imagined by seaman. It is this 
which has been so wrongly described by European annal 
ists, and of which the British until now have maintained 
the most jealous secrecy. 

Portsmouth Harbour was badly defended. Our intelli 
gence in that town and arsenal gave us precise knowledge 
of the disposition of the troops, the forts, and the ships 



88 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 

there ; and it was determined to strike a blow which should 
shake the British power in its centre. 

That a frigate of the size of the Repudiator should enter 
the harbour unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, 
passed the notions of even American temerity. But upon 
the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the Eepudiator sailed 
out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover of which 
she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle 
of Wight. To surprise the Martello Tower and take the 
feeble garrison thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain 
and a few of his bluejackets. The surprised garrison laid 
down their arms before him. 

It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded 
by Lieutenant Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with 
muffled oars, and in another hour were off the Common 
Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenge of the 
Thetis and the Amphion frigates, and the Polyanthus brig. 

There had been 011 that day great feasting and merriment 
on board the Flag- ship lying in the harbour. A banquet 
had been given in honour of the birthday of one of the 
princes of the royal line of the Guelphs the reader knows 
the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All 
on board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The 
Flag-ship was plunged in a death-like and drunken sleep. 
The very officer of the watch was intoxicated ; he could 
not see the Repudiator 1 s boats as they shot swiftly through 
the waters ; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as 
they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship. 

At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel 
of the Royal George the Briton who had guarded, a corpse 
at his feet. The hatches were down. The ship was in 
possession of the Repudiator s crew. They were busy in 
her rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of the har 
bour. The well-known heave of the men at the windlass, 
woke up Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We know, or 
rather do not know the result ; for who can tell by whom 
the lower-deck ports of the brave ship were opened, and 
how the haughty prisoners below sunk the ship and 



NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 89 

its conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the Ee- 
public ! 

Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. 
His tale was told to his Captain and to Congress ; but 
Washington forbade its publication; and it was but lately 
that the faithful seaman told it to me, his grandson, on his 
hundred and fifteenth birthday. 



90 A PLAN FOR A PRIZE 



A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. 

IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST 
TO THE EMINENT NOVELIST SNOOKS. 

CAFE DES AVEUGLES. 
*MY DEAR SNOOKS, 

"I am on the look-out here for materials for original 
comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre ; 
and in the course of my studies, I have found something, 
my dear Snooks, which I think will suit your book. You 
are bringing, I see, your admirable novel, The Mysteries of 
May Fair/ to an end (by the way, the scene, in the 200th 
Number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the 
Jesuit Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I 
ever read) and, of course, you must turn your real genius 
to some other channel ; and we may expect that your pen 
shall not be idle. 

" The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is 
taken from the French; just like the original dramas above 
mentioned ; and, indeed, I found it in the law report of the 
National newspaper, and a French literary gentleman, M. 
Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the invention. He 
and an Advertisement Agent fell out about a question of 
money, the affair was brought before the Courts, and the 
little plot so got wind. But there is no reason why you 
should not take the plot and act on it yourself. You are 
a known man ; the public relishes your works ; anything 
bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses ; 
and though Messrs. Hookey, of Holy well Street, pay you 
handsomely, I make no doubt you would like to be re 
warded at a still higher figure. 

" Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist 
in our days is good for nothing. This one writes with a 
Socialist purpose ; that with a Conservative purpose : this 



A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. 91 

author or authoress with the most delicate skill insinuates 
Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a Papist 
in the third volume : another doctors you with Low Church 
remedies to work inwardly upon you, and which you swal 
low down unsuspiciously, as children do calomel in jelly. 
Fiction advocates all sorts of truths and causes doesn t 
the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in every 
thing? M. Gonzales s plan, and the one which I recom 
mend to my dear Snooks, simply was to write an advertise 
ment novel. Look over the Times or the Directory, walk 
down Kegent Street or Fleet Street any day see what 
houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication 
with their proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your 
studs, and the tip on your chin, I don t know any greater 
swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into the shops, I say, ask 
for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying I am 
the great Snooks ; I am the author of " The Mysteries of May 
Fair ; r> my weekly sale is 281,000 ; I am about to produce 
a new work called " The Palace of Pimlico, or the Curse of 
the Court," describing and lashing fearlessly the vices of 
the aristocracy this book will have the sale of at least 
530, 000 ; it will be on every table ; in the boudoir of the 
pampered Duke, as in the chamber of the honest artisan. 
The myriads of foreigners who are coming to London, and 
are anxious to know about our national manners, will pur 
chase my book, and carry it to their distant homes. So, 
Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller how 
much will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcom 
ing novel? You may make a noble income in this way, 
Snooks. 

" For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more 
easy, what more delightful, than the description of uphol 
stery? As thus : 

"Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider s 
voluptuous ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian 
beauty now reposes, when Lord Bathershins entered, step 
ping noiselessly over one of Tomkins s elastic Axminster 
carpets. Good heavens, my lord ! she said and the 



92 A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. 

lovely creature fainted. The earl rushed to the mantel 
piece, where he saw a flacon of Otto s eau-de-Cologne, and, 
etc. 

" Or say it s a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought 
in just as easily. As thus : 

" We are poor, Eliza, said Harry Hardhand, looking 
affectionately at his wife, l but we have enough, love, have 
we not, for our humble wants? The rich and luxurious 
may go to Billow s or Gobiggin s, but we can get our rooms 
comfortably furnished at Timmonson s for 20. And 
putting on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her 
husband, the stoker s pretty bride tripped gaily to the 
well-known mart, where Timmonson, with his usual affabil 
ity, was ready to receive them. 

" Then you might have a touch at the wine merchant and 
purveyor. Where do you get this delicious claret, or pate 
defoie grasy or what you please? said Count Blagowski to 
the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The voluptuous 
Bart, answered at So-and-So s, or So-and-So s. The an 
swer is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your 
larder in this way. Begad, Snooks ! I lick my lips at the 
very idea! 

"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, etc., how 
easy to get a word for them! Amranison, the tailor, 
waited upon Lord Paddington with an assortment of his 
unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple but aristocrat 
ic style, of which Schneider alone has the secret. Parvy 
JSTewcome really looked like a gentleman, and though cor 
pulent and crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, 
etc. Don t you see what a stroke of business you might 
do in this way? 

" The shoemaker. Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, 
across the ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a 
lady chausseed by Chevillet of Bond Street, could move in 
that fairy way ; and 

" The hairdresser. Count Barbarossa is seventy years 
of age/ said the Earl. I remember him at the Congress 
of Vienna, and he has not a single grey hair/ Wiggins 



A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. 93 

laughed. My good Lord Baldock, said the old wag, * I 
saw Barbarossa s hair coining out of Ducroissant s shop, 
and under his valet s arm ho! ho! ho! ? and the two 
bon-vivans chuckled as the Count passed by, talking with, 
etc. etc. 

" The gunmaker. The antagonists faced each other ; and 
undismayed before his gigantic enemy Kilconnel raised his 
pistol. It was one of Clicker s manufacture, and Sir Mar- 
rnaduke knew he could trust the maker and the weapon. 
One, two, three, cried O Tool, and the two pistols went 
off at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Life 
Guardsman, etc. a sentence of this nature from your pen, 
my dear Snooks, would, I should think, bring a case of 
pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your lodgings, and, 
though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you 
might sell them, you know, and we could make merry with 
the proceeds. 

;c If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your ser 
vice, dear Snooks ; and should anything come of it, I hops 
you will remember your friend." 



THE DIARY AND LETTERS OF C. JEAMES 

DE LA PLUCHE. 



5 Vol. 19 



THE DIARY AND LETTERS OF C. JEAMES 

DE LA PLCCHE. 



A LUCKY SPECULATOR. 

" CONSIDERABLE sensation has been excited in the upper 
and lower circles in the West End, by a startling piece of 
good fortune which has befallen James Plush, Esq., lately 
footman in a respected family in Berkeley Square. 

" One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, 
who is a banker in the City ; and after a little blushing and 
hesitation, said he had saved a little money in service, was 
anxious to retire, and to invest his savings to advantage. 

" His master (we believe we may mention, without offend 
ing delicacy, the well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, 
of the house of Flimsy, Diddler, and Flash) smilingly 
asked Mr. James what was the amount of his savings, 
wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty 
guineas the main part of which he spent on bouquets, 
silk stockings, and perfumery Mr. Plush could have man 
aged to lay by anything. 

"Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been specu 
lating in railroads, and stated his winnings to have been 
thirty thousand pounds. He had commenced his specula 
tions with twenty, borrowed from a fellow-servant. He 
had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley Square, 
and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having in 
structed the Railway Secretaries who answered his applica 
tions to apply at the area-bell. 

" Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and 
shook Mr. P. by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be 



98 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

seated, and partake of the breakfast which he had laid on 
the table ; and has subsequently invited him to her grand 
dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss 
Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh 
daughter, paid the lucky gentleman marked attention. 

" We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient fam 
ily (Hugo de la Pluche came over with the Conqueror) ; 
and the new Brougham which he has started, bears the 
ancient coat of his race. 

" He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a direc 
tor of thirty-three railroads. He purposes to stand for 
Parliament at the next general election on decidedly con 
servative principles, which have always been the politics of 
his family. 

"Report says that, even in his humble capacity, Miss 
Emily Flimsy had remarked his high demeanour. Well, 
none but the brave/ say we, deserve the fair. Morning 
Paper. 

This announcement will explain the following lines, 
which have been put into our box * with a West-End post 
mark. If, as we believe, they are written by the young 
woman from whom the Millionaire borrowed the sum on 
which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with 
sympathy at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she ex 
presses in such artless language? 

If it be not too late ; if wealth have not rendered its pos 
sessor callous ; if poor Maryanne be still alive ; we trust, 
we trust, Mr. Plush will do her justice. 

"JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE. 
"A HELIGY. 

" Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate, 

Come all ye ladies -maids so fair- 
Vile I a story vil relate 
Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square. 

* [The letter-box of Punch, in the columns of which periodical the 
"Diary" and "Letters" appeared.] 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 99 

A tighter lad, it is confest, 

Neer valked vith powder in his air, 
Or vore a nosegay in his breast, 

Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square. 

" O Evns ! it vas the best of sights, 

Behind his Master s coach and pair, 
To see our Jeames in red plush tights, 

A driving hoff from Buckley Square. 
He vel became his hagwiletts, 

He cocked his at with such a hair ; 
His calves and viskers vas such pets, 

That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square. 

* He pleased the hup-stairs folks as veil, 

And O I I vithered vith despair, 
Misses wuld ring the parler bell, 

And call up Jeames in Buckley Square. 
Both beer and sperrits he abhord, 

(Sperrits and beer I can t a bear), 
You would have thought he vas a lord 

Down in our All in Buckley Square. 

44 Last year, he visper d, Mary Hann, 

Yen I ve an under J d pound to spare, 
To take a public is my plan, 

And leave this hojous Buckley Square. 
O how my gentle heart did bound, 

To think that I his name should bear, 
Dear Jeames, says I, I ve twenty pound, 

And gev them him in Buckley Square. 

" Our master vas a City gent, 

His name s in railroads everywhere; 
And lord, vot lots of letters vent 

Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square J 
My Jeames it was the letters took, 

And read em all, (I think it s fair), 
And took a leaf from Master s book, 

As bothers do in Buckley Square. 

" Encouraged with my twenty pound, 

Of which poor 1 was unaware, 
He wrote the Companies all round, 
And signed hisself from Buckley Square. 



100 DIARY OP C. JEAME8 DE LA PLUCHE. 

And how John Porter used to grin, 

As day by day, share after share, 
Came railvay letters pouring in, 

J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square. 

" Our servants All was in a rage 

Scrip, stock, curves, gradients, bull and bear, 
Vith butler, coachman, groom and page, 

Vas all the talk in Buckley Square. 
But O ! imagine vat I felt 

Last Vensday veek as ever were ; 
I gits a letter, which I spelt 

Mis M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square. 

" He sent me back my money true 

He sent me back my lock of air, 
And said, My dear, I bid a jew 

To Mary Hann and Buckley Square. 
Think not to marry, foolish Hann, 

With people who your betters are ; 
James Plush is now a gentleman, 

And you a cook in Buckley Square. 

" I ve thirty thousand guineas won, 

In six short months by genus rare ; 
You little thought .what Jeames was on, 

Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square. 
I ve thirty thousand guineas net, 

Powder and plush I scorn to vear ; 
And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget 

For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square. " 

* 

The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed 
away in a flood of tears. 

A LETTER FKOM "JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY 

SQUAKE." 

Albany, Letter X. August 10, 1845. 
" SIR, 

Has a reglar subscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf 
to state that I should never have done so, had I supposed 
that it was your abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life, 
and to hinjer the delligit feelings of amble individyouals 



DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 101 

like myself, who have no ideer of being made the subject 
of newspaper criticism. 

" I elude, Sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been 
made of my name in your Journal, where both my rnuccan- 
tile speclations and the hinmost pashn of my art have been 
brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the public emusemint. 

" What call, Sir, has the public to inquire into the suckrn- 
stansies of my engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, 
or to meddle with their rupsher? Why am I to be maid 
the hobjick of your redicule in a doggral ballit irnpewted to 
her! I say impewted, because in my time at least Mary 
Hann could only sign her -J- mark (has I ve hoften witnist 
it for her when she paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has 
for sacraficing to the Mewses and making poatry, she was as 
hincapible as Mr. Wakley himself. 

" With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote 
by a footman in a low farnly, a pore retch who attempted 
to rivle me in my affections to Mary Hann a feller not five 
foot six, and with no more calves to his legs than a donkey 
who was always a ritin (having been a doctor s boy) and 
who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he wellrecklex) 
at the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a 
but of me. He has signed Miss H. s name to his nominee 
and lies : and you lay yourself hopen to a haction for lible 
for insutting them in your paper. 

" It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in hany way. 
That I borrowed 201b of her is trew. But she confesses 
I paid it back. Can hall people say as much of the money 
they ve lent or borrowed? No. And I not only paid it 
back: but giv her the andsomest pres nts which 1 never 
should have eluded to, but for this attack. Fust, a silver 
thimble, (which I found in Missus s work-box); secknd, a 
vollorn of Byrom s poems : third, I halways brought her a 
glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she was 
remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley s twice, (and 
halways a srirnp or a hoyster by the way), and a thowsnd 
deligit attentions, which I sapose count for nothink. 

"Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered 



102 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLTJCHE. 

it himpossable. I was gone into a new spear of life 
mingling with my native aristoxy. I breathe no sallible of 
blame aginst Miss H. but his a hilliterit cookmaid fit to set 
at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank generally 
marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i s upon a low 
born gal, I neednd say it s only a tempory distraction, pore 
passy le tong. So much for her claims upon me. Has for 
that beest of a Doctor s boy, he s unwuthy the notas of a 
Gentleman. 

"That I ve one thirty thousand Ib, and praps more> I 
dont deny. Ow much has the Kilossus of Eailroads one, I 
should like to know, and what was his cappitle? I hen- 
tered the market with 201b, specklated Jewdicious, and ham 
what I ham. So may you be (if you have 201b, and praps 
you haven t) So may you be : if you choose to go in & 
win. 

" I for my part am jusly prowd of my suxess, and could 
give you a hundred instances of my gratatude. For igsam- 
ple, the fust pair of hosses I bought (and a better pair of 
steppers I dafy you to see in hany curracle,) I crisn d Hull 
and Selby, in grateful elusion to my transackshns in that 
railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my Dub 
lin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, 
and I ve jest sold him at ^ discount. 

" At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two 
grooms for my stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me 
at table. I have now a confidenshle servant, a vally de 
shamber He curls my air; inspex my accounts, and han- 
sers my invitations to dinner. I call this Vally my Trent 
Vally, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, 
which injuiced me to ingage him. 

"Besides my North British plate and breakfast equipidge 
I have two handsom suvvices for dinner the goold plate 
for Sundays, and the silver for common use. When I ave 
a great party, Trent, I say to my man, we will have the 
London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else 
the Manchester and Leeds (the silver). I bought them 
after realizing on the abuf lines, and if people suppose that 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 103 

the cornpanys made me a presnt of the plate, how can I 
help it? 

" In the sam way I say, l Trent, bring us a bottle of Bris 
tol and Hexeter ! or, f Put some Heastern Counties hi 
hice! He knows what I mean: it s the wines I bought 
upon the hospicious tummination of my connexshn with 
those two railroads. 

" So strong indeed as this abbit become, that being asked 
to stand Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last week, 
I had her christened (provisionally) Eosamell from the 
French line of which I am Director ; and only the other 
day, finding myself rayther unwell, Doctor, 7 says I to Sir 
Jeames Clark, l I ve sent to consult you because my Mid 
lands are out of horder and I want you to send them up to 
a premium. The Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the story 
subsquintly at Buckinum P 11 s. 

" But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in 
writing has been to clear my carrater to show that I came 
by my money in a honrable way : that I m not ashaymd of 
the manner in which I gaynd it, and ham indeed grateful 
for my good fortune. 

" To conclude, I have ad my pedigree maid out at the 
Erald Hoffis (I don t mean the Morning Erald), and have 
took for my arms a Stagg. You are corrict in stating that 
I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more than Peal 
can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy ; but the prim- 
mier being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. 
Consurvative though I be, 1 may change my opinions before 
the next Election, when I intend to hoffer myself as a Can- 
dydick for Parlymint. 

" Mean wild, I have the honour to be, Sir, 
" Your most obeajnt Survnt, 

"FiTz- JAMES DE LA PLUCHE." 



104 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 



JEAMES S DIAEY. 

ONE day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at 
our Office, evidently in great perturbation of mind and dis 
order of dress. He had no flower in his button -hole; his 
yellow kid gloves were certainly two days old. He had 
not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his 
great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of 
some dozen of the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with 
which, since his elevation to fortune, the poor fellow has 
thought fit to adorn himself. 

"How s scrip, Mr. Jeames?" said we pleasantly, greet 
ing our esteemed contributor. 

" Scrip be ," replied he, with an expression we can 
not repeat, and a look of agony it is impossible to describe 
in print, and walked about the* parlour whistling, hum 
ming, rattling his keys and coppers, and showing other 
signs of agitation. At last, " Mr^ Punch," says he, after a 
moment s hesitation, "I wish to speak to you on a pint of 
businiss. I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your 
paper. Suckmstances is haltered with me. I I in a 
word, can you lend me for the account? ; 

He named the sum. It was one so great, that we don t 
care to mention it here; but on receiving a cheque for the 
amount (on Messrs. Pump and Aldgate, bankers), tears 
came into the honest fellow s eyes. He squeezed our hand 
until he nearly wrung it off, and, shouting to a cab, he 
plunged into it at our office- door, and was off to the City. 

Eeturning to our study, we found he had left on our 
table an open pocket-book; of the contents of which (for 
the sake of safety) we took an inventory. It contained : 
three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor s ditto, unsettled; forty- 
nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six thousand 
seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we 
take, on an average, to be discount; and in an old bit of 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 105 

paper tied with pink riband a lock of chestnut hair, with 
the initials M. A. H. 

In the diary of the pocket-book was a Journal, jotted 
down by the proprietor from time to time. At first the 
entries are insignificant ; as, for instance : " 3rd January 
Our beer in the Suvnts Hall so precious small at this 
Christmas time that I reely muss give warning, & wood, 
but for my dear Mary Hann." "February 7 That broot 
Screw, the Butler, wanted to kiss her, my dear Mary Hann 
boxt his hold hears, & served him right. I datest Screw 
and so forth. Then the diary relates to Stock Exchange 
operations, until we come to the time when, having achieved 
his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and his 
livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman 
upon town. It is from the latter part of his diary that 
we make the following 

EXTRAX. 

" Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of fort- 
ing, and that by the exasize of my own talince and ingiani- 
uty I had reerlized a sum of 20,000 Ib. (it was only 5, but 
what s the use of a mann depreshiating the qualaty of his 
own mackyrel?) Wen I enounced my abrup intention to 
cut you should have sean the sensation among hall the 
people! Cook wanted to know whether I woodn like a 
sweatbred, or the slice of the brest of a Cold Turkey. 
Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a hinsalant 
hover-baring beest) begged me to walk into the Hupper 
Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. 
Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his and, & said, Jeames, 
I hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you and me, and I ll 
stand a pot of beer with pleasure. 

" The sickofnts ! that wery Cook had split on me to the 
Housekeeper ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold 
tuttle soop, of which I m remarkable fond). Has for the 
Butler, I always ebomminated him for his precious snears 
and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry, (he never 



106 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

would sit in our parlour, fasooth, nor drink out of our 
mugs) ; and in regard of Visp why, it was ony the dfay 
before the wulgar beest hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to 
give me a good iding if I refused. Gentlemen and ladies/ 
says I, as haughty as may be, there s nothink that I want 
for that I can t go for to buy with my hown money, and 
take at my lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex ; if I m ungry 
I ve no need to refresh myself in the bitching. And, so 
saying, I took a dignafied ajew of these minnial domestics ; 
and asending to my epartment in the 4 pair back, brushed 
the powder out of my air, and, taking hoff those hojous 
livries for hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin, 
of St. Jeames Street, and which fitted my manly figger as 
tight as whacks. 

" There was one pusson in the house with womb I was 
rayther anxious to evoid a persnal leave-taking Mary Hann 
Oggins, I mean for my art is natural tender, and I can t 
abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I d given her previous the 
infamafcion of my departure doing the ansome thing by 
her at the same time paying her back 20 lb., which she d 
lent me 6 months before : and paying her back not ony the 
interest, but I gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a 
silver thimbil, by way of boanus. Mary Hann, says I, 
suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions in life. 
I quit the Servnts Hall for hever, (for has for your marry 
ing a person in my rank, that my dear is hall gammin), 
and so I wish you a good-by, my good gal, and if you want 
to better yourself, halways refer to me. 

" Mary Hann didn t hanser my speech (which I think 
was remarkable kind), but looked at me in the face quite 
wild like, and bust into something betwigst a laugh & cry, 
and fell down with her ed on the kitching dresser, where 
she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room bell. 
Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & things, & my 
check for 20 lb. 10s. on the tabil, when she went to hanser 
the bell? And now I heard her sobbing and vimpering in 
her own room nex but one to mine, with the dore open, per- 
aps expecting I should come in and say good-by. But, as 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 107 

soon as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring 
Frederick, my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and re 
questing permission to take leaf of my lady & the famly 
before my departure." 

* 

" How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure ! Her lady 
ship told me what a sweet gal she was hamiable, fond of 
poetry, plays the gitter. Then she hasked me if I liked 
blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I don t 
like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly s his and 
has for a blond buty she as pink Fs like a Halbino, and her 
face looks as if it were dipt in a brann mash. How she 
squeeged my & as she went away ! 

" Mary Hann now has haubin air, and a cumplexion like 
roses and hivory, and Fs as blew as Evin. 

" I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb been 
resolved to hact the gentleman in hall things. How he 
stared ! " 

"25th. I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous 
lines, and have past hall day in the Citty. Although I ve 
hate or nine new soots of close, and Mr. Cullin fitts me 
heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise me. Conshus 
wispers to me Jeams, you r hony a footman in disguise 
hafter all. " 

"28th. Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That 
Lablash is a wopper at singing. I coodn make out why 
some people called out Bravo, some Bravar, and some 
Bravee. l Bravee, Lablash/ says I, at which hevery body 
laft. 

"I m in my new stall. I ve add new cushings put in, 
and my harms in goold on the back. I m dressed hall in 
black, excep a gold waistcoat and dimind studds in the em 
broidered busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia 
Jiponiky in my button ole, and have a double-barreld opera 
glas, so big, that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it 
in the other cabb. 



108 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

" What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is ! If 
those four gals are faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy 
Queend. She can do all that they can do, and somethink 
they can t. There s an indiscrible grace about her, and 
Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams. 

" Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out 
of their box on the fourth tear? 

"What linx i s she must av. As if I could mount up 
there ! 

"P.S. Talking of mounting hup! the St. Helena s 
walked up 4 per cent this very day." 

" 2nd July. Kode my bay oss Desperation in the park. 
There was me, Lord George Blngwood (Lord Cinqbar s 
son), Lord Ballybunn ion, Honorable Capting Trap, & sevral 
young swells. Sir John s carridge there in coarse. Miss 
Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I m obleged to 
get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his. 
The gettin on hoss back agin is halways the juice & hall. 
Just as I was hon, Desperation begins a-porring the hair 
with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his anches, that I m 
blest if I didn t slip off agin over his tail; at which Bally- 
bunnion & the other chaps rord with lafter. 

" As Bally has istates in Queen s County, I ve put him 
on the Saint Helena direction. We call it the ( Great St. 
Helena Napoleon Junction, from Jamestown to Long- 
wood. The French are taking it hup heagerly." 

" 6th July. Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one 
of the Welsh bords of Direction I m hon. The Cwrwmwrw 
& Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils through Snowding & Plin- 
liniming. 

" Great nashnallity of coarse. Ap Shinkin in the chair, 
Ap Llwydd in the vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh 
iron knives & forks; Welsh rabbit after dinner; and a 
Welsh harper, be hanged to him ; he went strummint on 
his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly dis 
agreeable to me. 



DIAKY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 109 

" It was ( Pore Mary Hann. The clarrit holmost choaked 
me as I tried it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought 
of her bewtifle blue i s. Why ham I always thinkin about 
that gal? Sasiaty is sasiaty, it s lors is irresistabl. Has 
a man of rank I can t marry a serving-made. What would 
Cinq bar & Bally bunnion say? 

" P./S. I don t like the way that Cinqbars has of borro- 
ing money, & halways making me pay the bill. Seven 
pound six at the Shipp, Grinnidge, which I don t grudge 
it, for Derbyshire s brown Ock is the best in Urup; nine 
pound three at the Trafflygar, and seventeen pound sixteen 
& nine at the Star and Garter, Richmond, with the Countess 
St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of 
French could I speak, and in consquince had nothink to do 
but to make myself halmost sick with heating hices and 
desert, while the hothers were chattering & parlyvooing. 

" Ha ! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary 
Hann, when we were more happy, (after a walk in the park, 
where we ad one gingy-beer betwigst us,) more appy with 
tea and a simple srimp than with hall this splender ! : 

"July 24. My first floor apartmince in the Halbiny is 
now kimpletely and chasely funnished the droring-room 
with yellow satting and silver for the chairs and sophies - 
hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink velvet & goold 
borders & fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, em- 
broydered with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c., as 
handsome as goold can make them, and candlesticks and 
shandalers of the purest Hornaolew. 

"The Dining-room funniture is all hoak, British Hoak; 
round igspanding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccom- 
adating any number from 8 to 24 to which it is my wish 
to restrict my parties Curtings Crimsing damask, Chairs 
crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men 
decorats the wall namely the Duke of Wellington. There s 
four of his Grace. For I ve remarked that if you wish to 
pass for a man of weight & considration you should holways 
praise and quote him I have a valluble one lickwise of my 



110 DIARY OF C. JEAME8 DE LA PLUCHE. 

Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert has a Field Martial and 
halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar snears that 
are daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigst 
the Prins & the Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the 
Cinqbar Militia, of which Cinqbars has made me Capting. 

"The Libery is not yet done. 

" But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole if you 
could but see it! such a Bedworr! I ve a Shuval Dressing 
Glass festooned with Walanseens Lace, and lighted up of 
evenings with rose-coloured tapers. Goold dressing case 
and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold 
with curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by 
a goold Qpid who seems always a-smilin angillicly hon me, 
has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with the 
finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2 
groornbs, and a fimmale for the House I ve 7 osses: in 
cors if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment. 

" N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. Saint 
Helenas, 12 P.M., Madagascars, 9-f, Saffron Hill & Rook 
ery Junction, 24, and the new lines in prospick equily 
incouraging. 

" People phansy its hall gaiety and pleasure the life of 
us fashnable gents about townd But I can tell emit snot 
hall goold that glitters. They don t know our moments of 
hagony, hour ours of studdy and reflecshun. They little 
think when they see Jeam.es de la Pluche, Exquire, worl- 
ing round in walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly 
stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx 
into the Countess s hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss 
Desperation hover the exorcism ground in the Park, they 
little think that leader of the tong, seaminkly so reckliss, 
is a careworn mann ! and yet so it is. 

" Irnprymus. I ve been ableged to get up all the ecom- 
plishments at double quick, & to apply myself with tree- 
men juous energy. 

"First, in horder to give myself a hideer of what a 



DIARY OP C. JEAMEB DE LA PLTJCHE. Ill 

gentleman reely is I ve read the novvle of Pelham six 
times, and am to go through it 4 times mor. 

" I practis ridin and the acquirement of a steady and & 
a sure seat across Country assijuously 4 times a week, at 
the Hippydrum Hiding Grounds. Many s the tuinbil I av 
ad, and the aking boans I ve suffered from, though I was 
grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra. 

" Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Hal 
bany may have been surprised to hear the sounds of music 
ishuing from the apartmince of Jeames de la Pluche, Ex- 
quire, Letter Hex. It s my dancing-master. From six to 
nine we have walces and polkies at nine * mangtiang & 
depotment, as he calls it; & the manner of hentering a 
room, complimenting the ost & ostess & compotting your 
self at table. At nine I henter from my dressing-room (has 
to a party), I make my bow my master (he s a Marquis 
in France, and ad misfortins, being connected with young 
Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me I hadwance speak abowt 
the weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cus- 
sory manner. Brekf st is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann 
we precede to the festive bord complirnence is igschanged 
with the manner of drinking wind, adressing your neigh 
bour, employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And 
then we fall to brekfst, when I promiss you the Marquis 
don t eat like a commoner. He says I m getten on very 
well soon I shall be able to invite people to brekfst, like 
Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr. Macauly, (who wrote 
that sweet book of ballets, The Lays of Hancient Kum, ) 
& the great Mr. Kodgers himself." 

" The above was wrote some weeks back. I have given 
brekfsts sins then, reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and 
Ycounts Barnits as many as I chose : and the pick of the 
Railway world, of which I form a member. Last Sunday 
was a grand Fate. I had the Meet of my friends : the dis 
play was sumptions; the company reshershy. Everything 
that Dellixy could suggest was by Gunter provided. I had 
a Countiss on my right & (the Countess of Wigglesbury, 



112 DIARY OF C. JEAME8 DE LA PLUCHE. 

that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be 

called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H is 

the Eailway King) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose 
Prince Towrowski the great Sir Huddlestone Fuddle- 
stone, from the North, and a skoar of the fust of the fashn. 
I was in my gloary. The dear Countess and Lady Blanche 
was dying with laffing at my joax and fun. I was keeping 
the whole table in a roar when there came a ring at my 
door-bell, and sudnly Fitzwarren, my man, henters with 
an air of constanation ; There s somebody at the door, 
says he, in a visper. 

"O, it s that dear Lady Hernily, says I, and that 
lazy raskle of a husband of her s. Trot them in, Fitz 
warren, (for you see, by this time I had adopted quite the 
manners and hease of the arristoxy,) And so, going out, 
with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing 
Mr. & Mrs. Blodder. 

"I turned gashly pail. The table the guests the 
Countiss Towrouski, and the rest, weald round & round 
before my hagitated I s. It was my Grandmother and 
Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common, 
and he he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart. 

" Y, Y hadn t John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had 
tried. But the unconscious, though worthy creeters, ad- 
wanced in spite of him, Huncle Bill bringing in the old 
lady grinning on his harm ! 

" Phansy my feelinx." 



" Immagin when, these unf ortnat members of my family 
hentered the room : you may phansy the ixtonnishment of 
the nobil company presnt. Old G-rann looked round the 
room quite estounded by its horientle splender, and huncle 
Bill (pulling hoff his phantail, & seluting the company as 
respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says- Crikey, 
Jearnes, you ve^ got a better birth here than you ad where 
you were in the plush and powder line. Try a few of 
them plovers hegs, sir, I says, whishing, I m asheamed 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 113 

to say, that soinethink would choke huncle B ; and I 

hope, mam, now you ve ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little 
refreshniint won t be out of your way. 

" This I said, detummined to put a good f ase on the mat 
ter; and because, in herly times, I d reseaved a great deal 
of kindniss from the hold lady, which I should be a roag 
to f orgit, She paid for my schooling ; she got up my fine 
linning gratis; she s given me many & many a Ib; and 
manys the time in appy appy days when me and Mary 
Hann has taken tea. But never mind that. f Mam, says 
I, { you must be tired hafter your walk. 

" Walk? Nonsince, Jeames, says she; it s Saturday, 
& I came in, in the cart. ( Black or green tea, maam? 
says Fitzwarren, intarupting her. And I will say the fel 
ler showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt mo- 
mink; for he d halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth 
was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, 
and other dellixies. 

" Wouldn t you like a little somethink in your tea, 
Mam? says that sly wagg Cinqbars. He knows what I 
likes, replies the hawfle hold Lady, pinting to me (which 
I knew it very well, having often seen her take a glas of 
hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged 
to horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help 
my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it 
hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with her 
lipps, after she d emtied the glas, which very nearly caused 
me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn t 
igspose herself much farther; for when Cinqbars was press 
ing her to take another glas, I cried out, l Don t, my lord, 
on which old Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried 
out, A Lord ! 0, lor ! and got up and made him a cutsy, 
and coodn t be peswaded to speak another word. The 
presents of the noble gent, heavidently made her uneesy. 

The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of 
ixtream disgust at the beayviour of my relations, and, hav 
ing called for her carridge, got up to leave the room, with 
the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to conduct her 



114 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it 
stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the 
footmin in peach-coloured tites ; the hosses worth 3 hun 
dred a-peace ; and there stood the horrid linnen-cart, with 
Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex/ wrote on 
the bord, and waiting until my abandind old parint should 
come out. 

" Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddleston 
Fuddlestone, the great barnet from the North, who, great 
as he is, is as stewpid as a howl, looked on, hardly trusting 
his goggle I s as they witnessed the Sean. But little lively 
good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going away 
with the Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to 
me and said, Mr. de la Pluche, you are a much better 
man than I took you to be. Though her Ladyship is hor 
rified, & though your Grandmother did take gin for break 
fast, don t give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for 
honoring their father & mother. 

" And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I ob 
served that all the good fellers thought none the wuss of 
me. Cinqbars said I was a trump for sticking up for the 
old washerwoman; Lord G-eorge Gills said she should have 
his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. 
But it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove 
hoff. 

" There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, 
and which, I muss say, "I thought lickwise; f Ho, Jeames, 
says she, hall those fine ladies in sattns and velvets is 
very well, but there s not one of em can hold a candle to 
Mary Hann. 

" Eailway Spec is going on phamously. You should see 
how polite they har at my bankers now ! Sir Paul Pump 
Aldgate & Company. They bow me out of the back parlor 
as if I was a Nybobb. Everybody says I m worth half a 
million. The number of lines they re putting me upon, is 
inkumseavable. I ve put Fitzwarren, my man, upon sev 
eral. Eeginald Fitzwarren, Esquire, looks splendid in a 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 115 

perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two 
thowsnd. 

" How the ladies & men too, f oiler & flatter me ! If I 
go into Lady Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, 
whoever is there, and cries out, do make room for that 
dear creature ! And she complyments me on my taste in 
musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit, 
and always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord 
Bareacres, as stiff as a poaker, as prowd as Loosyfer, as 
poor as Joab even he condysends to be sivvle to the great 
De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur s, lately, in his 
sollorn, pompus way, ( to f aver him with five minutes con 
versation/ I knew what was coming application for 
shares put him down on my private list. Wouldn t mind 
the Scrag End Junction passing through Bareacres hoped 
I d come down and shoot there. 

" I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own 
pocket. There, old Pride, says I, I like to see you 
down on your knees to a footman. There, old Pomposs- 
aty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing 
and begging for it. Whenever I see him in a very public 
place, I take my change for my money. I digg him in 
the ribbs, or slap his padded old shoulders. I call him, 
Bareacres, my old Buck ! and I see him wince. It does 
my art good. 

"I m in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just 
occurred. Lady Pump, the banker s wife, asked me to 
dinner. I sat on her right, of coarse, with an uncommon 
gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in my fassanating 
way full of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy 
plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked me 
to drink Shampane; and on turning to take the glass I 
saw Charles Wackles (with womb I d been imployed at 
Colonel Spurriers house) grinning over his shoulder at the 
Butler. 

" The beest reckonized me. Has I was putting on my 
palto in the hall, he came up again : ( Ifow dy doo, Jearnes, 
says he, in a fin dish visper. * Just come out here, Chawles/ 



116 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

says I, l I ve a word for you, my old boy. So I beckoned 
him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I 
was going to give him a sovaring. 

" I think you said " Jeames," Chawles, says I, and 
grind at me at dinner? 

"< Why, sir/ says he, we re old friends, you know. 
" Take that for old friendship then, says I, and I 
gave him just one on the noas, which sent him down on the 
pavemint as if he d been shot. And mounting myjesticly 
into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning scoundrills to 
pick him up, & droav to the Clubb." 



" Have this day kimpleated a little ef air with my friend 
George, Earl Bareacres, which I trust will be to the ad- 
vantidge both of self & that noble gent. Adjining the 
Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of about 100 
acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the 
cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a 
pickewlear fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, 
heather, and other hodarefarus plants which grows on that 
mounting in the places where the rox and stones don t 
prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and 
the land is also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges 
much more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset, or 
any of that rubbishing sort of timber ; indeed the sile is of 
that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there altogether. 
I gave Bareacres 50. an acre for this land (the igsact 
premium of my St. Helena Shares) a very handsom price 
for land which never yielded two shillings an acre ; and 
very convenient to his Lordship, I know, who had a bill 
coming due at his Bankers which he had given them. 
Jeaines de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust time a 
landed propriator or rayther, I should say, is about to 
reshume the rank & dignity in the country which his Han- 
cestors so long occupied." 

" I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 117 

of the Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of 
&c., &c., bordered on the North by Lord Bareacres Coun 
try ; on the West by Sir Granby Growler ; on the South by 
the Hotion. An Arkytect and Survare, a young feller of 
great emagination, wornb we have employed to make a sur 
vey of the Great Caffrarian line, has built me a beautiful 
Villar (on paper), Plushton Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I 
de la P., Esquire. The house is reprasented a handsome 
Itallian Strueter, imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by 
beautiful gardings. There s a lake in front with boatsfull 
of nobillaty and musitions floting on its placid surface 
and a curricle is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and 
me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady Hangelina de la 
Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I may be going to form a 
noble kinexion. I may be (by marriage) going to unight 
my famly once mor with Harrystoxy, from which mis- 
fortn has for some sentries separated us. I have dreams of 
that sort. 

"I ve sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a serting Erl 
standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my 
union with a serting butifle young lady, his daughter. 
Phansy Mr. or Sir Jearnes and Lady Hangelina de la 
Pluche ! Ho ! what will the old washy woman, my grand 
mother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and shall 
too, by my honour as a Gent." 

"As for Squallop Hill, it s not to be emadgind that I 
was going to give 5000 Ib. for a bleak mounting like that, 
unless I had some ideer in vew. Ham I not a Director of 
the Grand Diddlesex? Don t Squallop lie amediately be- 
twigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End, 
through which cities our line passes? I will have 40,000 
Ib. for that mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have 
aranged a little barging too for my friend the Erl. The 
line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre Park. He 
shall have a good compensation, I promis you ; and then I 
shall get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker s account, 
I fear, is in a horrid state," 



118 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no 
interest to the public : Memoranda of City dinners 
meetings of Directors fashionable parties in which 
Mr. Jeames figures, and almost always by the side of 
his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose "pompossaty," 
as described in the last Number, seems to have almost 
entirely subsided.] 

We then come to the following : 

" With a prowd and thankfle Art, I coppy off this morn 
ing s Gyzett the folloing news : 

" Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of 
Diddlesex. 

" James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Deputy 
Lieutenant. " 

" North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry. 

" James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Cap 
tain, vice Blowlord, promoted. " 

" And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator a 
Depparty Leftnant a Capting? May I hatend the Cort 
of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my country s defens? 
I wish the French wood land, and me at the head of my 
squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I d extonish 
em ! How the gals will stare when they see me in youni- 
fom? How Mary Hann would but nonsince! I m hal- 
ways thinking of that pore gal. She s left Sir John s. 
She couldn t abear to stay after I went, I ve heerd say. I 
hope she s got a good place. Any summ of money that 
would sett her up in bisniss, or make her comf arable, I d 
come down with like a mann. I told my granmother so, 
who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on Des 
paration to leave a five Ib. noat in anvylope. But she s 
sent it back, sealed with a thirnbill." 

" Tuesday. Eeseavd the folloing letter from Lord B- 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 119 

rellatif to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I 
shall wear on that hospicious seramony : 

u t MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE, I think you had better be 
presented as a Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex 
Yeomanry, I hardly know what the uniform is now. The 
last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince of 
Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French grey jackets, 
leathers, red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets 
with leopard-skin and a white plume, and the regulation 
pig-tail of eighteen inches. That dress will hardly answer 
at present, and must be modified, of course. We were 
called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, 
I decidedly recommend the Deputy Lieutenant. 

" I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at 
the Drawing-room. Lady Bareacres will be in town for 
the 13th, with Angelina, who will be presented on that 
day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to 
make your acquaintance. 

" All my people are backward with their rents : for 
Heaven s sake, my dear fellow, lend me five hundred and 
oblige, 

" l Yours very gratefully, 

" BAKE ACRES/ 

"Note. Bareacres may press me about the Depity Left- 
nant but Tm for the cavvlery." 



"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. 
It was in that month that I became persnally ecquaintid 
with my Prins and my gracious Sovarink. 

"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may 
emadgin that my busm was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis 
of nights, I past them thinking of the great ewent or if 
igsosted natur did clothes my highlids the eyedear of my 
waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls, 
presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my 
dreembs unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisump- 

6 Vol. 19 



120 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

slm never surely igseeded that of my wickid wickid vishn). 
One night I actially dremt that Her K.H. the Princess 
Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit Counsel 
to detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on nie or the 
Prins of Sax-Muffinhausen-Puinpen stein, a young Prooshn 
or Germing zion of nobillaty. I ask unily parding for 
this hordacious ideer. 

" I said, in my fornmer remarx, that I had deturnmined 
to be presented to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a 
melintary coschewrn. The Court-shoots in which Sivillians 
attend a Levy are so uncomming like the the livries 
(ojus wud ! 1 8 to put it down) I used to wear before enter 
ing sosiaty, that I couldn t abide the notium of wearing 
one. My detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yo- 
minry Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant youniforn of the 
North Diddlesex Huzzas. 

" Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, 1 thought 
myself quite hotherized to make such halterations in the 
youniform as shuited the presnt time and my metured and 
elygint taste. Pigtales was out of the question. Tites I 
was detummined to mintain. My legg is praps the fmist pint 
about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle. 

" I phixt on scarlit tites, then, inibridered with goold as 
I have seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me 
and Mary Hann used to go there. Ninety-six guineas 
worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have myhandering 
hall hover those shoperb inagspressables. 

" Yellow rnarocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs & 
goold tassles as bigg as belpulls. 

" Jackit French gray and silver orings f asings & cuphs, 
according to the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight 
round my pusn, & settin hoif the cernetry of my figger not 
disadvintajusly . 

" A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber 
of Demaskus steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my 
Odiclone and inibridered pocket ankerchief), kimpleat my 
acooterments, which without vannaty, was, I flatter my 
self, uneak. 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 121 

" But the crownding triumph was ray hat. I couldn t 
wear a cock At. The huzzahs don t use ? em. I wouldn t 
wear the hojous old brass Elmet & Leppardskin. I choas 
a hat which is dear to the merary of hevery Brittn ; an at 
which was inwented by niy Feeld Marshle and adored 
Prins ; an At which vulgar prejidis & Joaking has in vane 
etempted to run down. I chose the Halbert At. 1 * I didn t 
tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty, intending to sur 
prize him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex Yo- 
mingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread 
hout like a shaving brush. 

" You may be sure that bef or the f atle day arrived, I 
didn t niglect to practus my part well; and had sevral 
rehustles, as they say. 

" This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full 
togs. I made Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the 
door, and figger as the Lord in Waiting. I put Mrs. 
Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair to reprasent 
the horgust pusn of my Sovring Frederick, my secknd 
man, standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus 
Prins Consort. Hall the Candles were lighted. Captain 
de la Pluche, presented by Herl Bareacres, Fitzwarren, my 
man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to the 
Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable 
loilty towards the Brittish Crownd, then stepping grace 
fully hup (my Dimascus Simiter would git betwigst my 
ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery disagreeble) 
rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but 
respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly 
ritreated backards out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 
suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym the night befor my 
presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with the sun- 
rice. I coodn t sleep that night. By abowt six o clock in 

* [A shako recently invented by the Prince Consort and distributed 
to the army. Thackeray is amiably satirical about the " Halbert 
At " in " The Ducal Hat for Jenkins " (Punch, January 13, 1844, vol. 
vi. p. 32), reprinted in vol. xiv, of this edition: "The Book of 
Snobs," etc.] 



122 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 



the morning I was drest in my full uniform and I didn t 
know how to pass the interveaning hours. 

" My Granmother hasn t seen me in full phigg, says I. 
1 It will rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her 




race so suxesfle in life. Has I ave read the novvle of 
Kennlworth, that the Her! goes down in Cort dress and 
extoneshes Haniy Bobsart, I will go down in hall my 
splender and astownd my old washy woman of a Gran- 
mother. To make this detummination ; to horder my 
Broom ; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 123 

to bring it ; was with ine the wuck of a momint. The nex 
sor as galliant a cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb, skower- 
ing the road to Healing. 

" I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My hnncle was 
habsent with the cart ; but the dor of the humble eboad 
stood hopen, and I passed through the little garding where 
the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy ploom was 
ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the 
apartmint. 

"There" was a smell of tea there there s always a smell 
of tea there the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I 
advanced tords her; but ha! phansy my extonnishrnent 
when I sor Mary Hann ! 

" I halmost f aintid with hirnotion. Ho, Jeames ! (she 
has said to me subsquintly) mortial mann never looked so 
bewtifle as you did when you arived on the day of the 
Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were diwine! } 

"R! what little Justas the Hartist has done to my 
mannly etractions in the groce carriketure he s made of 



me." 



" Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as 
my hentrance to St. Jeames s, on the day of the Levy. 
The Tuckish Harnbasdor himself was not so much re 
marked as my shuperb turn out. 

" As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I 
was resolved to come to the ground on kossback. I had 
Desparation phigd out as a charger, and got 4 Melentery 
dresses from Ollywell Street, in which I drest my 2 men 
(Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodn t stand it), and 2 fellers 
from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up 
St. Jeames s Street, with my 4 Hadycongs the people 
huzzaying the gals waving their hankerchers, as if I were 
a Foring Prins hall the winders crowdid to see me pass. 

" The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, 
when I came, for the drums beat, and the guard turned 
out and seluted me with presented harms. 

" What a momink of triumth it was ! I sprung myjes- 



124 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

tickly from Desperation. I gav the rains to one of my 
horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I past into the presnts 
of my Most Gracious Mrs." 



" You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth 
the suckinstanzas of inyhawjince with the British Crownd. 
But I am not one who would gratafy imputtnint curaiosaty. 
Kispect for our reckonized instatewtions is iny fust quallaty. 
I, for one, will dye rallying round my Thrown. 

" Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presents, 
when I sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that 
Most Gracious Prins, to admire womb has been the chief 
Objick of my life, my busum was seased with an imotiuni 
which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe my trembling knees 
halrnost rifused their hofns I reckleck nothing mor until 
I was found phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamber- 
ling. Sir Robert Peel apnd to be standing by (I knew our 
wuthy Primmier by Punch s picturs of him, igspecially his 
ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall 
say nothink, but that he is a Hero of 100 fites, and hevery 
fite he fit he one. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of 
Wellingting? I intro juiced myself to these Jents, and 
intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps ast Guvmint 
for a Barnetcy. 

" But there was another pusn womb on this droring-room 
I fust had the inagspressable dalite to beold. This was 
that Star of fashing, that Sinecure of neighbouring i s, as 
Milting observes, the econiplisht Lady Hangelina Thistle- 
wood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey 
de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron South 
down, in the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron 
Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant of the 
County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was with 
her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And 
surely never lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn. 
In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady Hangelina was the fair- 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 125 

est Star in that reath of Loveliness the sweetest Rose- 
budd! Pore Mary Hann, my Art s young aifeckshns had 
been senterd on thee ; but like water through a sivv, her 
immidge disapeared in a momink, and left me intransd in 
the presnts of Hangelina ! 

"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow a grand 
and hawfle pusnage her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, 
and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge phethers ; the fare 
Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly bewhildring, 
and said, 0, Mr. de la Pluche, I m so delighted to make 
your acquaintance, I have often heard of you. 

" Who, says I, has mentioned my insiggniincknt 
igsistance to the fair Lady Hangelina, kel bonure igstrame 
poor mwaw; (for you see I ve not studdied Pelham 
for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces, without 
which no Gent of fashn speaks now). 

" 0, replies my lady, it was papa first; and then a 
very, very old friend of yours. 

" Whose name is, says I, pusht on by my stoopid 
curawsaty 

" Hoggins Mary Ann Hoggins ansurred my lady 
(laffing phit to splitt her little sides). She is my maid, 
Mr. de la Pluche, and I m afraid you are a very sad, sad 
person. 

" A mere baggytell, says I. In fornmer days I was 
equainted with that young woman; but haltered suckm- 
stancies have separated us for hever, and mong cure is irra- 
treevably perdeiu elsewhere. 

" Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? 
We are all dying to know. 

" Since about two minnits, and the Lady s name begins 
with a Ha, says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and 
con j ring up hall the fassanations of my smile. 

" Mr. de la Pluche/ here said a gentleman in whiskers 
and mistashes standing by, hadn t you better take your 
spurs out of the Countess of Bareacres train? Never 
mind Mamma s train (said Lady Hangelina) ; this is the 
great Mr. de la Pluche, who is to make all our fortunes 



126 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

* 

yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let ine present you to Cap 
tain George Silvertop. The Capting bent just one jint of 
his back very slitely; I retund his stare with equill hotti- 
ness. Go and see for Lady Bareacres 5 carridge, Charles/ 
says his Lordship ; and vispers to me, f a cousin of ours 
a poor relation. So I took no notis of the feller when he 
came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where 
it seems a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabbj 
Capting." 

" Thursday Night. Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashu 
for you hogments daily! I ve bean with her two the 
Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia Jyponiky from 
Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in her 
raving Air. I woar another in my butn-ole. Evns, what 
was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and 
igsammined the house with my glas ! 

"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however 
would scarcely speek; although I kijoled her with a 
thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it was because that wul- 
gar raskle Silvertop, wood stay in the box. As if he didn t 
know (Lady B. s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) 
that people sometimes like a tatytaty." 

"Friday. I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my 
feelings in the folloring lines there s a hair out of Balfe s 
Hopera that she s fond of. I edapted them to that rnellady. 

" She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She 
was wobbling at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the 
convasation upon mewsick; said I sung myself, (I ve ad 
lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo) ; and, on her rekwest- 
ing me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my 
poim: 

MOONLIKE ORE THE HAZURE SEAS. 

" When moonlike ore the hazure seas 

In soft effulgence swells, 
When silver jews and balmy breaze 
Bend down the Lily s bells; 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 127 

When calm and deap, the rosy sleap 

Has lapt your soal in dreems, 
R Hangeline ! R lady mine ! 

Dost thou remember Jeames? 

" I mark thee in the Marble All, 

Where England s loveliest shine 
I say the fairest of them hall 

Is Lady Hangeline. 
My soul, in desolate eclipse, 

With recollection teems 
And then I hask, with weeping lips, 

Dost thou remember Jeames? 

" Away ! I may not tell thee hall 

This soughring heart endures 
There is a lonely sperrit-call 

That Sorrow never cures ; 
There is a little, little Star, 

That still above me beams; 
It is the Star of Hope but ar ! 

Dost thou remember Jeames? 

" When I came to the last words, Dost thou remember 
Je-e-e-ams, I threw such an igspresshn of unuttrabble teii- 
derniss into the shake at the hend, that Hangelina could 
bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium seized 
her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. 
I heard her lairing and sobbing histerickly in her bedwor. 

"0 Hangelina My adord one, My Arts joy! " . , . 



"Bareacres, me, the ladies of the fainly, with their 
sweet Southdown, B s eldest son, and George Silvertop, 
the shabby Capting (who seames to git leaf from his 
ridgmint whenhever he likes), have beene down into Did- 
dlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there. 

" Never having done much in the gunning line (since 
when a hinnasent boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at 
Healing, and shoot sparrers in the Edges with a pistle) I 
was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot, and practusd 
for some days at a stoughed bird in a shooting gallery, 



128 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sug- 
seaded in itting the hannimle pretty well. I bought 
Awker s Shooting Guide/ two double-guns at Mantings, 
and salected from the French prints of f ashn the most gaw- 
jus and ellygant sporting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet 
and goold cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of 
yaller & green imbroidered satting, a weskit of the M Grig- 
ger plaid, and a jacket of the M Whirter tartn (with large 
motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and 
spawting subjix) , high leather gayters, and marocky shoot 
ing shoes, was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and 
I natter myself set hoff my figer in rayther a fayverable 
way. I took down none of my own pusnal istablishniint 
excep Fitzwarren, ray hone maun, and my grooms, with 
Desparation and my curricle osses and the Fourgong con 
taining my dressing-case and close. 

"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the 
great Railroad Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the 
most prawsperous districk of the hempire. The squires 
prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst em; and 
we had a Hagricultral Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, 
where I made a speech droring tears from hevery i. It 
was in compliment to a layborer who had brought up six 
teen children, and lived sixty years on the istate on seven 
bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station. 
I shook hands with that niann in lavinder kid gloves. I 
told him that the purshuit of hagriculture was the noblist 
hockupations of humannaty: I spoke of the yoming of 
Hengland, who (under the command of my hancisters) had 
conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy ; and I gave him a pair 
of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each 
pocket, as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitz 
warren, my man, brought them forrards on a satting cush- 
ing. Has I sat down, def ning chears selewted the horator; 
the band struck up The Good Old English Gentleman. 7 I 
looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina waivd her 
ankasher and kissed her & ; and I sor in the distans that 
pore Mary Hann effected evidently to tears by my ellaquints. 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 129 

"What an adwance that gal as made since she s been in 
Lady Hangelina s company! Sins she wears her young 
lady s igsploded gownds and retired caps and ribbings, 
there s an ellygance abowt her which is pufficklt admarable ; 
and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss, 
creates in my boozum serting sensatiums. . . . Shor! i 
mustn t give way to fealinx unwurthy of a member of the 
aristoxy. What can she be to me but a niear recklection 
a vishn of former ears? 

" I m blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself 
yesterday. I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres 
Castle! I sor a lady in a melumcolly hattitude gacing 
outa-winder at the setting sun, which was eluminating the 
fair parx and gardings of the hancient demean. 

: Bewchus Lady Hangelina, says I * a penny for 
your Ladyship s thoughts, says I. 

" Ho, Jeames ! Ho, Mr. La Pluche ! hansered a well- 
known vice, with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. 
You know what my thoughts are, well enough. I was 
thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us were 
poo-poo-poor, says Mary Hann, bursting out in a phit of 
crying, a thing I can t ebide. I took her & and tried to 
comfit her : I pinted out the diffrints of our sitawashns ; 
igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as 
its previletches, and that my juty clearly was to marry 
into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing 
and going hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself 
came up The real Siming Fewer, as they say in the 
play. 

" There they stood together them two young women. 
I don t know which is the ansamest, I coodii help compar 
ing them ; and I coodnt help comparing myself to a certing 
Hannimle I ve read of, that found it difficklt to make a 
choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A. 

"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren my oan man a 
feller I ve maid a fortune for a feller I give 100 Ib. per 
hannum to ! a low bred Wallydyshamber ! He must be 



130 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

thinking of falling in love too ! and treating me to his im- 
perence. 

"He s a great big athlatic feller six foot i, with a pair 
of black whiskers like air-brushes with a look of a Colo 
nel in the Harmy a dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I 
warrunt you. I was coming ome from shuiting this hafter- 
noon and passing through Lady Hangelina s flour-garding, 
who should I see in the suiniuerhouse, but Mary Hann pre 
tending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his 
cort to her. 

" You may as well have me, Mary Hann, says he. 
* I ve saved money. We ll take a public-house and I ll 
make a lady of you. I m not a purse-proud ungrateful 
fellow like Jeames who s such a snob ("such a SNOBB" 
was his very words !) that I m ashamed to wait on him 
who s the laughing-stock of all the gentry and the house 
keeper s room too try a man, says he don t be taking 
on about such a humbug as Jeames. 

"Here young Joe the keaper s sun, who was carrying 
my bagg, bust out a-laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitz 
warren to turn round and intarupt this polite convasation. 

" I was in such a rage. Quit the building, Mary Hann, 
says I to the young woman and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, 
have the goodness to remain. 

" I give you warning, roars he, looking black, blue, 
yaller a ll the colours of the ranebo. 

" Take hoff your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoun- 
drl, says I. 

" l It s not your livery, says he. 

" Peraps you ll understand me, when I take off my 
own, says I, unbuttoning the motherapurls of the Mac- 
whirter tartn. Take my jackit, Joe, says I to the boy, 
and put myself in a hattatude about which there was no 
mistake. 



"He s 2 stone heavier than me and knows the use of 
his ands as well as most men ; but in a fite, UoocVs every 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 131 

think; the Snobb can t stand before the gentleman; and 
I should have killed him, I ve little doubt, but they came 
and stopt the fite betwigst us before we d had more than 2 
rounds. 

" I punisht the raskle trernenjously in that time, though ; 
and I m writing this in my own sittn-roorn, not being able 
to come down to dinner on account of a black-eye I ve got, 
which is sweld up and disfiggrs me dredfl." 



" On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my 
rangcounter with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb 
for sevral days, with the rose-coloured curtings of the 
apartmint closed, so as to form an agreeable twilike ; and 
a light- bloo satting shayd over the injard pheacher. My 
woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable ; 
and (has the Poick well observs, Nun but the Brayy 
desuvs the Fare ) I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the 
ladies for my tenipory disfiggarrnent. 

" It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an 
end to my phisty coughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him 
and bare him no malis; but of corse I dismist the irnperent 
scoun drill from my survis, apinting Adolphus, my page, to 
his post of confidenshle Valley. 

" Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying 
me con tiny oul visits during my retiremint. Lady Han- 
gelina was halways sending me messidges by her : while 
my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was al 
ways sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now 
it was a cooling hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her 
Ladyship would perscribe then, agin, it would be a booky 
of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and 
jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina could 
dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho ! those 
dear mothers ! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant 
young feller, or to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what 
awpertunities they will give a man! You d have phansied 



132 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

I was so hill (on account of iny black hi) that I couldnt 
live exsep upon chicking and spoon-nieat and jellies, and 
blemonges, and that I couldnt eat the latter dellixies 
(which I ebomminate onternoo, preferring a cut of beef or 
muttn to hall the kickpshaws of France) unless Hangelina 
brought them. I et era and sacransed myself for her 
dear sayk. 

" I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old 
Lord B. and his son, I had mayd my proposasls for Han 
gelina and was acepted, and hoped soon to be made the 
appiest gent in Hengland. 

" You must break the matter gently to her, said her 
hexlent father. You have my warmest wishes, Mr. de la 
Pluche, and those of my Lady Bareacres, but I am not 
not quite certain about Lady Angelina s feelings. Girls 
are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of 
prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able 
to make Angelina understand the embarrassments of her 
family. These silly creatures prate about love and a cot 
tage and despise advantages which wiser heads than theirs 
know how to estimate/ 

" Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me? says I, 
busting out at this outrayjus ideer. 

" ( She will be, my dear sir. You have already pleased 
her, your admirable manners must succeed in captivating 
her, and a fond father s wishes will be crowned on the day 
in which you enter our family/ 

" Recklect, gents, says I to the 2 lords, * a barging s 
a barging I ll pay hoff South down s Jews, when I m his 
brother; as a straynger (this I said in a sarcastic toan) 
I wouldnt take such a libbaty. When I m your sumnlor 
I ll treble the valyou of your estayt. I ll make your in- 
cunibrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the noble ouse of 
Bareacres to his herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not 
the way of transacting bisnis iniployed by Jeames de la 
Pluche, Esquire. 

" And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of 
the greatest scrip-holders in Hengland ; and calculated on 



DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 133 

a kilossle fortune. All my shares was rising immence. 
Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral thowsnds 
richer than the day bef or. I was detuminmd not to reerlize 
till the proper time, and then to buy istates ; to found a 
new famly of Delapluches, and to alie myself with the 
aristoxy of my country. 

" These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and 
hover agin. If you d been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal, ? 
says I, I would have married you; and why don t I? 
Because my dooty prewents me. I m a marter to dooty; 
and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that 
ideer. 

"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that 
Silvertop and Lady Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. 
What a ilucky fellow you were, Pluche, says he (he was 
rayther more familiar than I liked), in your fight with 
Fitzwarren ! to engage a man of twice your strength and 
science, though you were sure to be beaten (this is an 
etroashous f olsood : I should have fmnisht Fitz in 10 min 
utes), for the sake of poor Mary Hann! That s a gener 
ous felloWo I like to see a man risen to eminence like you, 
having his heart in the right place. When is to be the 
marriage, my boy? ; 

" Capting S., says I, my marridge consums your most 
umble servnt a precious sight more than you j -and I gev 
him to understand I didn t want him to put in his ore I 
wasn t afrayd of his whiskers, I prommis you, Capting, as 
he was. I m a British Lion, I am ; as brayv as Bonypert, 
Hannible, or Holiver Crunimle, and would face bagnits as 
well as an Evy Drigoon of em all. 

" Lady Hangelina, too igspawstulated in her hartfl. way. 
Mr. de la Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? 
You can t suppose that you will be happy with a person 
like me? 

" ( I adoar you, charming girl ! * says I. ( Never, never 
go to say any such thing. 

" You adored Mary Ann first; answers her Ladyship; 
you can t keep your eyes off her now. If any man courts 



134 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

her you grow so jealous that you begin beating him. You 
will break the girl s heart if you don t marry her, and per 
haps some one else s but you don t mind that. 

" Break yours, you adoarible creature! I d die first! 
And as for Mary Hann, she will git over it; people s arts 
aint broakn so easy. Once for all, sucknistances is changed 
betwigst me and er. It s a pang to part with her (says I, 
my fine hi s filling with tears), but part from her I must. 

" It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady 
Harigelina, that melumcolly as she was when she was talk 
ing to me, and ever so disrnl, yet she kep on lafnng every 
minute like the juice and all. 

" What a sacrifice ! says she, it s like Napoleon giving 
up Josephine. What anguish it must cause to your sus 
ceptible heart ! 

" It does, says I Hagnies! (Another laff.) 

" And if if I don t accept you you will invade the 
States of the Emperor, my Papa, and I am to be made the 
sacrifice and the occasion of peace between you ! 

" I don t know what you re eluding to about Joseyfeen 
and Hernperors your Pas, but I know that your Pa s 
estate is over hedaneers morgidged ; that if some one don t 
elp him, he s no better than an old pawper; that he owes 
me a lot of money; and that I m the man that can sell him 
up hoss & foot; or set him up agen that s what I know, 
Lady Angelina, says I, with a hair as much as to say, 
( Put that in your ladyship s pipe, and smoke it. 

"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable 
paper ennounced 

" MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE. We hear that a matrimonial union 
is on the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune 
in the Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose 
estates are situated in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this in 
teresting event. " 

"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we 
reckn upon the fealinx of wimrning?) Mary Hann didn t 
seem to be much efected by the hideer of my marridge with 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 135 

Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the 
fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to giving me 
hup, for we Gents are creechers of vannaty after all, as 
well as those of the hopsit seeks ; & betwigst you & me 
there was mominx, when I al 
most whisht that I d been borne 
a Myomniidn or Turk, when 
the Lor would have permitted 
me to marry both these sweet 
beinx, wherehas I was now con- 
demd to be appy with ony one. 

" Mean wild every-think went 
on very agreeble betwigst me 
and my defianced bride. When 
we came back to town I kem- 
ishnd Mr. Showery the great 
Hoctionear to look out for a 
town manshing sootable for a 
gent of my quallaty. I got 
from the Erald Horns (not The 
Mawniny Erald no, no, I m 
not such a Mough as to go there 
for ackrit infarnation), an ac 
count of my famly, my harms 
& pedigry. 

" I horderd in Long Hacre, 
three splendid equipidges, on 
which my arms and my adord 
wife s was drawn & quartered; 
and I got portricks of me and 

her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved 
to be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that my 
character as a man of fashn wasn t coinpleat unless I sat to 
that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I presented to 
Hangelina. Its not considered flattring here it is and 
though she parted with it, as you will hear, mighty wil 
lingly, there s one young lady (a thousnd times handsomer) 
that values it as the happle of her hi. 




136 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 



" Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at 
iny sale for about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? 
It was bought in by Maryhann, though ; dear Jeam.es/ 
she says often (kissing of it & pressing it to her art), it 
isn t J ansum enough for you, and hasn t got your angel- 
lick smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i s. 

"Hangelina s pictur was kindly presented to me by 
Countess B., her mamma, though of course I paid for it. 
It was engraved for The Book of Bewty this year ; and 
here is a proof of the etching : 




"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely 
have known her but the ands, feat, and i s is very like. 
She was painted in a gitar supposed to be singing one of 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 137 

my little melladies ; and her brother Southdown, who is one 
of the New England poits, wrote the follering stanzys about 
her: 

LINES UPON MY SISTER S PORTRAIT. 
BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN. 

The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea, 

Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea: 

I stood upon the donjon keep and view d the country o er, 

I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more. 

I stood upon the donjon keep it is a sacred place, 

Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race ; 

Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field, 

There ne er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior s shield. 

The first time England saw the shield twas round a Norman neck, 

On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck. 

A Norman lance the colours wore, in Hastings fatal fray 

St. Willibald for Bareacres ! twas double gules that day ! 

O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since 

A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince ! 

At Acre with Plautagenet, with Edward at Poitiers, 

The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears ! 

Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing : 
O ! grant me, sweet Saint Willibald, to listen to such singing ! 
Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us, 
And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus ! 
O knights, my noble ancestors ! and shall I never hear 
Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear? 
I d cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride, 
And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side ! 

Dash down, dash down,yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine! 
Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line : 
Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls, 
The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls. 
Sing not, sing not, my Angelina ! in days so base and vile, 
Twere sinful to be happy, twere sacrilege to smile. 
I ll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob 
I ll muse on other days, and wish and wish I were A Snob. 

"All young Hengland, I m told, considers the poim 
bewtifle. They re always writing about battleaxis and 



138 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

shivvlery, these young chaps j but the ideer of Southdown 
in a shoot of ariner, and his cuttin hoff his strong right 
hand/ is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit hi, as 
rickety as a babby, with a vaist like a gal, and though he 
may have the art and t curridge of a Bengal tyger, Fd back 
my smallest cab-boy to lick him, that is, if I ad a cab- 
boy. But io! my cab days is over." 



" Be still my hagnizing Art ! I now am about to hum- 
f oald the dark payges of the Istry of my life ! 

"My f rends! you ve seen me ither2 in the full kerear of 
Fortn, prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty j 
not dizzy though mounted on the haypix of Good Luck 
feasting hall the great (like the Good Old Henglish Gent 
in the song, which he has been rny moddle and igsample 
through life), but not forgitting the small No, my be- 
ayviour to my grandmother at Healing shows that. I bot 
her a new donkey cart (what the French call a cart-blansh), 
and a handsome set of peggs for anging up her linning, 
and treated Huncle Jim to a new shoot of close, which he 
ordered in St. Jearn.es s Street, much to the estonishrnent 
of my Snyder there, namely an olif-green velvyteen jackit 
and smalclose, and a crirnsn plush weskcoat with glas- 
buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I 
never should have eluded to, but to show that I am natu 
rally of a noble sort ; and have that kind of galliant carridge 
which is equel to either good or bad forting. 

" What was the substus of my last chapter? In that 
everythink was prepayred for my marridge the consent of 
the parents of my Hangelina was gaynd, the lovely gal 
herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to Hiniing s 
halter the trosso was hordered, the wedding dresis were 
being phitted hon, a weddin-kake weighing half a tunn 
was a gettn reddy by Messrs. Gunter, of Buckley Square ; 
there was such an account for Shantilly and Honiton laces 
as would have staggered hennyboddy (I know they did the 
Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit) and has 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 139 

for In jar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was 
given away no not by His Iness the Injan Prins Jugger 
naut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were 
from the extablishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. 
The honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excus- 
sion, and was in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit 
Mr. Hudson s) as my town-house. I waited to cunclude 
the putchis untie the Share-Markit which was rayther de- 
prest (oing I think not so much to the atax of the misrab- 
ble Times , as to the prodidjus flams of The Morning Erald) 
was restored to its elthy toan. I wasn t going to part with 
scrip which was 20 premium at 2 or 3 ; and bein confidnt 
that the Markit would rally, had bought very largely for 
the two or three new accounts. 

"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to 
womb I gayv orders for a large igstent ow it was that I 
couldn t pay their accounts. I am the soal of onour but 
no gent can pay when he has no money : it s not my fault 
if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred 
yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and 
seven of the largist In jar Shawls it s not my fault if the 
tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that Lady B. 
declared they were lost. I began the world afresh with the 
close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing 
nothink, giving hup heverythink, Onist and undismayed, 
and though beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin 
agin. 

" Well it was the day before that apinted for my 
Uniuin. The Ringdove steamer was lying at Dover ready 
to carry us hoff . The Bridle apartrnince had been hordered 
at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare the very 
table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in 111 Street, 
and the Bride s Eight Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop 
of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium. 
All the papers were full of it. Crowds of the fashnable 
world went to see the trooso ; and admire the Carridges in 
Long Hacre. Our travleng charret (light bloo lined with 
pink satting, and vermillium and goold weals) was the 



140 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

hadmaration of all for quiet ellygens. We were to travel 
only 4, viz., me, my lady, my vally, and Mary Hann as 
famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our 
match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and 
laught and joakt, and enjoy d our plans for the fewter 

igseedinkly. 

"I d left my lovely Bride very gay the night before 
aving a multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers 7 & 
bankers accounts to settle: atsettrey atsettrey. It was 
layt bef or I got these in horder : my sleap was f eavrish, as 
most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be 
hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one ; tride on my 
wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me ex 
ceedingly. 

" One thing distubbed my mind two weskts had been 
sent home. A blush- white satting and gold, and a kinary 
coloured tabbinet imbridered in silver; which should I 
wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated and perplext 
me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street 
and cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be 
my hallinhall: and wear whichever she phixt on. 

" There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in 
111 Street : which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. 
The old porter stared most uncommon when I kern in 
the footman who was to enounce me laft I thought I was 
going upstairs 

" Her ladyship s not not at home," says the man; 
" and my lady s hill in bed. 

" ( Git lunch, says I, * I ll wait till Lady Hangelina re 
turns. 

" At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his 
cheex blown out like a bladder, and then busts out in a 
reglar guffau ! the porter jined in it, the impident old raskle : 
and Thomas says, slapping his and on his thy, without 
the least respect / say, Huffy, old boy! ISN T this a 

good un ? 

" Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel, says I, hol 
laring and laffing at me? 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 141 

" here s Miss Mary Harm, coining up, says Thomas, 
f ask her and indeed there came my little Mary Hann 
tripping down the stairs her &s in her pockits ; and when 
she saw me she began to blush & look hod & then to grin 
too. 

" In the name of Imperence, says I, rushing on 
Thomas, and collaring him fit to throttle him, no raskle 
of a flunky shall insult me, and I sent him staggerin up 
against the porter, and both of em into the hall-chair with 
a flopp when Mary Hann, jumping down, says James! 
O Mr. Plush! read this -and she pulled out a billy doo. 

" I reckanized the and- writing of Hangelina." 



"Deseatful Hangelina s billy ran as follows: 

" ( I had all along hoped that you would have relin 
quished pretensions which you must have seen were so dis 
agreeable to me ; and have spared me the painful necessity 
of the step which I am compelled to take. For a long time I 
could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to sac 
rifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I 
cannot undergo the shame and misery of a union with you. 
To the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only 
now anticipate, by a few hours, my departure from the 
home from which they themselves were about to expel me. 

" When you receive this, I shall be united to the person 
to whom, as you are aware, my heart was given long ago. 
My parents are already informed of the step I have taken. 
And I have my own honour to consult, even before their 
benefit; they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before 
long. 

" As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm 
your exquisite feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind to 
console you. She admires you as you deserve to be ad 
mired, and with a constancy which I entreat you to try and 
imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try for the sake of 
your sincere friend and admirer. A. 



142 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

" P.S. I leave the wedding dresses behind for her; 
the diamonds are beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush 
admirably. 

" This was hall ! Confewshn ! And there stood the foot 
men sniggerin, and thathojous Mary Ann half a cryin, half 
a laffing at me! Who has she gone hoff with? rors I, 
and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just touched the top 
of one of the Johns canes who was goin out with the noats 
to put hoff the brekf st. It was Silvertop then ! 

" I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsite- 
ment ! 

"The storry of that iloapmint / have no art to tell. 
Here it is from The Morning Tatler newspaper." 



ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. 
THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT. 

" The neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole 
fashionable world, has been thrown into a state of the most 
painful excitement by an event which has just placed a 
noble family in great perplexity and affliction. 

" It has long been known among the select nobility and 
gentry that a marriage was on the tapis between the only 
daughter of a Noble Earl, and a Gentleman whose rapid 
fortunes in the railway world have been the theme of gen 
eral remark. Yesterday s paper, it was supposed in all 
human probability, would have contained an account of 
the marriage of James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady 

Angelina , daughter of the Eight Honorable the Earl 

of B-re-cres. The preparations for this ceremony were 
complete; we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich trous 
seau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall) ; the mag 
nificent jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and 
Mortimer; the elegant marriage cake, which already cut 
up and portioned, is, alas ! not destined to be eaten by the 
friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb carriages, and 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 143 

magnificent liveries which had been provided in a style of 
the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Eight Eev- 
erend the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in 
town to celebrate the nuptials, and is staying at Mivart s. 
What must have been the feelings of that venerable prelate, 
what those of the agonised and noble parents of the Lady 

Angelina when it was discovered, on the day previous 

to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal 
mansion ! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble 
niece s departure might have been fatal; we have it from 
the waiters of Mivart s that his Lordship was about to 
indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news 
was brought to him ; immediate apoplexy was apprehended ; 
but Mr. Macann, the celebrated Surgeon, of Westminster, 
was luckily passing through Bond Street at the time, and 
being promptly called in, bled and relieved the exemplary 
patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace, Bullock- 
smithy, to-morrow. 

" The frantic agonies of the Eight Honorable the Earl of 
Bareacres can be imagined by every paternal heart. Far 
be it from us to disturb impossible is it for us to describe 
their noble sorrow. Our reporters have made inquiries 
every ten minutes at the Earl s mansion in Hill Street, 
regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incompara 
ble Countess. They have been received with a rudeness 
which we deplore but pardon. One was threatened with 
a cane; another, in the pursuit of his official inquiries, 
was saluted with a pail of water ; a third gentleman was 
menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship s porter; 
but being of the Irish Nation, a man of spirit and sinew 
and Master of Arts of Trinity College, Dublin, the gentle 
man of our establishment confronted the menial, and hav 
ing severely beaten him, retired to a neighbouring hotel 
much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobil 
ity, and there obtained what we believe to be the MOST 
ACCURATE PARTICULARS of this extraordinary occurrence. 

" George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the estab 
lishment of Lord Bareacres, stated to our employe as fol- 

7 Vol. 19 



144 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

lows: Lady Angelina has been promised to Mr. De la 
Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide that 
gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants hall. 
Previous to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a 
domestic capacity. At that period he had offered marriage 
to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the quality of 
ladies maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was em 
ployed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently ladies maid 
to Lady Angelina the elopement was arranged between 
those two. It was Miss Hoggins who delivered the note 
which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his loss. 

" Samuel Buttons, page to the Eight Honorable the Earl 
of Bareacres, was ordered on Friday forenoon at eleven 
o clock to fetch a cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street. 
He selected the cab, No. 19,796, driven by George Greg 
ory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clona kilty, in the neigh 
bourhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and 
waited, according to his instructions, at the corner of Berke 
ley Square with the vehicle. His young lady, accompanied 
by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a band 
box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box : 
what were the contents of that box we have never been 
able to ascertain. On asking her ladyship whether he 
should order the cab to drive in any particular direction, he 
was told to drive to Madame Crinoline s, the eminent milli 
ner, in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether 
he should accompany her ladyship, Buttons was peremp 
torily ordered by Miss Hoggins to go about his business. 

"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in 
search of cab 19,796, or rather of the driver of that vehi 
cle, who was discovered with no small difficulty at his resi 
dence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln s Inn Fields, where he 
lives with his family of nine children. Having received 
two sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his 
regular fare, by the way, would have been only one and 
eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab for the 
two last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless 
intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 145 

to the queries of our reporter; and, had not that gentleman 
been himself a compatriot, it is probable he would have re 
fused altogether to satisfy the curiosity of the public. 

"At Madame Crinoline s, Miss Hoggins quitted the car 
riage, and a gentleman entered it. Macarty describes him 
as a very clever gentleman (meaning tall) with black mous 
taches, Oxford-grey trousers, and black hat and a pea-coat. 
He drove the couple to the Euston Square Station, and 
there left them. How he employed his time subsequently 
we have stated. 

"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our 
establishment learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter 
there, that a gentleman answering the above description 
had taken places to Derby. We have despatched a con 
fidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and shall 
give his reports in a second edition, 

SECOND EDITION. 
FROM OUR REPORTER. 

NEWCASTLE: Monday. 

" I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the Elephant 
and Cucumber Hotel. A party travelling under the name 
of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, the gentleman wearing moustaches, 
and having with them a blue band-box, arrived by the train 
two hours before me, and have posted onwards to Scotland. 
I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot, 
as they are putting to. 7 

THIRD EDITION. 

GRETNA. GREEN : Monday Evening. 

" The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at 
four o clock, the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, 
celebrated the marriage between George Granby Silvertop, 
Esq. , a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third son of Gen 
eral John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and 



146 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

Lady Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the 
present Earl of Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia 
Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina Alicompania Annemaria 
Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl Bareacres. " 

(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in 
the Book of Common Prayer which was not read on the oc 
casion and need not be repeated here.) 

" f After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a 
slight refreshment of sherry and water the former the 
Captain pronounced to be execrable; and, having myself 
tasted some glasses from the very same bottle with which 
the young and noble pair were served, I must say, I think 
the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the Bag 
pipes Hotel and Posting House, whence they instantly 
proceeded. I follow them as soon as the horses have fed/ 

FOURTH EDITION. 
SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER. 

WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B. : Monday, midnight. 

" I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours 
after the newly-married couple, whose progress I have had 
the honour to trace, reached Whistlebinkie. They have 
taken up their residence at the Cairngorm Arms mine 
are at the other hostelry, the Clachan of Whistlebiukie. 

" On driving up to the Cairngorm Arms, I found a gen 
tleman of military appearance standing at the door, and 
occupied seemingly in smoking a cigar. It was very dark 
as I descended from my carriage, and the gentleman in 
question exclaimed, "Is it you, Southdown, my boy? You 
have come too late; unless you are come to have some sup 
per; or words to that effect. I explained that I was not 
the Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely apprised Cap 
tain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the individual before 
me could be no other) of his mistake. 

" " Who the deuce " (the Captain used a stronger term) 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 147 

"are you, then? " said Mr. Silvertop. "Are you Baggs & 
Tapewell, my uncle s attorneys? If you are, you have 
come too late for the fair." 

" I briefly explained that I was not Baggs & Tapewell, 
but that my name was J ms, and that I was a gentleman 
connected with the Establishment of The Morning Tattler 
newspaper. 

" " And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tat 
tler? " asked rny interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer 
was frank that the disappearance of a noble lady from the 
house of her friends had caused the greatest excitement in 
the metropolis, and that my employers were anxious to 
give the public every particular regarding an event so 
singular. 

" "And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged 
me all the way from London, and that my family affairs 
are to be published for the readers of The Morning Tattler 

newspaper! The Morning Tattler be " (the Captain 

here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat), 
"and you too, sir; you impudent meddling scoundrel." 

" " Scoundrel, sir ! said I. " Yes," replied the irate 
gentleman, seizing me rudely by the collar, and he would 
have choked me, but that ray blue satin stock and false col 
lar gave way, and were left in the hands of this gentleman. 
"Help, landlord," I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe, 
"murder," and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I 
appealed to the crowd, which by this time was pretty con 
siderable ; they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst into 
laughter and called out, " Give it him, Captain." A strug 
gle ensued, in which, I have no doubt, I should have had 
the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the 
general and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I 
fell down, stopped and said, " Well, Jims, I won t fight on 
my marriage-day. Go into the tap, Jims, and order a glass 
of brandy-and-water at my expense and mind I don t see 
your face to-morrow morning, or I ll make it more ugly 
than it is." 

" i With these gross expressions and a cheer from the 



148 IARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

crowd, Mr. Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that 
I did not partake of his hospitality, and that personally I 
despise his insults. I make them known that they may 
call down the indignation of the body of which I am a 
member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public, 
as a gentleman shamefully assaulted and insulted in the 
discharge of a public duty/ 



"Thus you ve sean how the flower of my affeckshns 
was tawn out of my busm, and my art was left bleading. 
Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou be appy! If ever 
artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink on 
whomb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn 
in your be^ ! 

" I went home like a rnaniack, after hearing the enounce- 
ment of Hangelina s departer. She d been gone twenty 
hours when I heard the fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. 
Suppose I did kitch her up, they were married, and what 
could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl Bare- 
acres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with 
me. Er who was to have been my mother- in-lor, the 
Countiss, I never from that momink sor agin. My presnts, 
troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back with the igsepshn of 
the diminds & Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship coodn t 
find. Ony it was wisperd that at the next buthday she 
was seen with a shawl igsackly of the same patn. Let er 
keep it. 

" Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the 
ewent, and wanted me to advance 50 lb., so that he might 
purshew his fewgitif sister but I wasn t to be ad with 
that sort of chaugh; there was no more money for that 
famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feel- 
inx in a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the 
Bel Asombly. 

" All the juilers, rnanchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, 
apolstrers, hors dealers, and weddencake makers came 
pawring in with their bills, haggravating feelings already 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 149 

woondid beyond enjurants. That madnis didn t seaze me 
that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack d 
my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink 
ilds. Hall night I follered Hangelinar in imadganation 
along the North Road. I wented cusses & mallydickshuns 
on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in my unhut- 
tarable whoe ! I seazd my pillar; I pitcht into it : puinmld 
it, strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop 
writhing in my Jint grasp ; and taw the hordayshis Villing 
lim from lim in the tenable strenth of my despare ! . . . 
Let me drop a cutting over the niemries of that night. 
When my boddy-suvnt came with my Ot water in the 
mawning, the livid Copse in the charnill was not payler 
than the gashly De la Pluche ! 

" Give me the Share-list, Mandeville, I micanickly 
igsclairned. I had not perused it for the 3 past days, my 
etention being engayged elseware. Hvns & huth ! what 
was it I red there? What was it that made me spring 
outabed as if sum baby had given me cold pig I red Rewin. 
in that Share-list the Panick was in full hoparation. 

* 

" Shall I discribe that Kitastrafy with which hall Heng- 
land is fimiliar? My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns 
which lassarated my bleeding art in Hocotober last. On 
the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of twenty- 
three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and 
worth at least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare s 
day, my Saint Helena s quotid at 14 pm were down at -J 
discount; my Central Ichaboes at -- discount; my Table 
Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where ; my Bather- 
shins and Derryname Beg, of which I d bought 2000 for 
the account at 17 primmium down to nix ; my Juan Fernan 
dez, & my Great Central Oregons, prostrit. There was a 
mornint when I thought I shouldn t be alive to write my 
own tail ! " 

(Here follow in Mr. Plush s MS. about twenty-four pages 
of railroad calculations, which we pretermit. ) 



150 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

" Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and 
umble, wrote me a threatnen letter because I overdrew my 
account three and sixpence; woodn t advance me five 
thousnd on 250,000 worth of scrip ; kep me waiting 2 hours 
when I asked to see the house ; and then sent out Spout, 
the jewnior partner, saying they woodn t discount my 
paper, and implawed me to clothes my account. I did : I 
paid the three and six ballince, and never sor em mor. 

"The market fell daily. The Eewin grew wusser and 
wusser, Hagnies, Hagnies! It wasn t in the city aloan my 
misfortns came upon me. They beerded me in my own 
Ome. The JBiddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn 
keep Misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of 
Pall Mall, and Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution 
into my apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furni 
ture. Wardrobe and furniture of a man of fashion. 
What an aclwertisement George Eobins did make of it; 
and what a crowd was collected to laff at the prospick of 
my ruing ! My chice plait ; my seller of wine ; my picturs 
that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless her! 
that bought it, unbeknown to me) ; all all went to the 
animer. That brootle Fitzwarren, my exvally, womb I 
met, fimiliarly slapt me on the sholder and said, Jeames, 
my boy, you d best go into survis aginn. 

" I did go into survis the wust of all suvvices I went 
into the Queen s Bench Prison, and lay there a miserable 
captif for 6 mortial weeks. Misrabble shall I say? No, 
not misrabble altogether, there was sunlike in the dunjing 
of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to drive 
hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a wash yw Oman s cart, 
with a fat old lady in it, and a young one. Who was that 
young one? Every one who has an art can gess, it was my 
blue-eyed blushing Hangel of a Mary Hann. Shall we 
take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma? Mary 
Hann said. Bless her, she d already learned to say grand 
mamma quite natral; but I didn t go out that way; I went 
out by the door a white-washed man. Ho, what a feast 
there was at Healing the day I came out! I d thirteen 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 151 

shillings left when I d bought the gold ring. I wasn t 
prowd. I turned the mangle for three weeks ; and then 
Uncle Bill said, Well, there is some good in the feller ; 
and it was agreed that we should marry. " 

The Plush manuscript finishes here : it is many weeks 
since we saw the accomplished writer, and we have only 
just learned his fate. We are happy to state it is a com 
fortable and almost a prosperous one. 

The Honorable and Eight Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, 
Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle 
of Lady Angelina Silvertop. Her elopement with her 
cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable prelate ; he 
returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had 
been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he 
married three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church 
of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy. 

The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. 
As he was preparing a charge to his clergy in his study 
after dinner, the Lord Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit 
of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his accustomed dish 
of devilled-kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable 
form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira 
in his hand ; but life was extinct ; and surgical aid was 
therefore not particularly useful. 

All the late prelate s wives had fortunes, which the ad 
mirable man increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases 
which fell in during his episcopacy, etc. He left three 
hundred thousand pounds divided between his nephew 
and niece not a greater sum than has been left by several 
deceased Irish prelates. 

What Lord Southdown has done witk his share we are 
not called upon to state. He has composed an epitaph to 
the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which does him infinite 
credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina Sil 
vertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and 
affectionate servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage 
with Mr. James Plush, to whom her Ladyship also made a 



152 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

handsome present namely, the lease, goodwill, and fix 
tures of the " Wheel of Fortune " public house, near Shep- 
pherd s Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by 
all the nobility s footmen, doing a genteel stroke of busi 
ness in the neighbourhood, and where, as we have heard, 
the Butlers Club is held. 

Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interest 
ing wife; reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was 
to a humbler and a higher one before. He has shaved off 
his whiskers, and accommodates himself to an apron with 
perfect good-humour. A gentleman connected with this 
establishment dined at the Wheel of Fortune, the other 
day, and collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush 
blushed rather, as he brought in the first dish, and told 
his story very modestly over a pint of excellent port. He 
had only one thing in life to complain of, he said that a 
witless version of his adventures had been produced at the 
Princess s Theatre, "without with your leaf or by your 
leaf," as he expressed it. "Has for the rest," the worthy 
fellow said, "I m appy praps betwigst you and me I m in 
my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port (with 
your elth & my suvvice to you, Sir) quite as much as my 
clarrit in my prawsprus days. I ve a good busniss, which 
is likely to be better. If a man can t be appy with such a 
wife as my Mary Hann, he s a beest; and when a christen 
ing takes place in our famly, will you give my compliments 
to Mr. Punch, and ask him to be godfather." 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 153 



JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS. 

"PERAPS at this present mornink of Railway Hagetation 
and unsafe ty the folly ing little istory of a young friend of 
mine may hact as an olesome warning to hother week and 
hirresolute young gents. 

" Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a 
respectable cludgynian in the West of Hengland. Hadopted 
by his uncle, Colonel T- , of the Hoss-Mareens, and 
regardless of expence, this young man was sent to Heaton 
Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very 
nearly being Senior Rangier. He came to London to 
study for the lor. His prospix was bright indead ; and He 
lived in a secknd flore in Jerniing Street, having a ginteal 
inkum of two hunderd Ibs. per hannum. 

" With this andsurn enuity it may be supposed that 
Frederick wanted for nothink. Nor did he. He was a 
moral and well-educated young man, who took care of his 
close ; pollisht his hone tea-party boots ; cleaned his kidd- 
gloves with injer rubber ; and, when not invited to dine out, 
took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club 
where (unless somebody treated him) he was never known 
to igseed his alf-pint of Marsally Wine. 

" Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass un- 
perseavd in the world. Admitted to the most fashnabble 
parties, it wasn t long befor sevral of the young ladies 
viewed him with a favorable i; one, expecially, the lovely 
Miss Hernily Mulligatawney, daughter of the Heast-Injar 
Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal of all 
the season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His 
haspirations were on the pint of being crowndid with suc 
cess ; and it was agreed that as soon as he was called to 
the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a 



154 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

revising barrister, or Lord Chanslor, lie should lead her to 
the halter. 

"What life could be more desirable than Frederick s? 
He gave up his mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. 
Bluebag, the heminent pleader ; he devoted his hevenings 
to helegant sosiaty at his- Clubb, or with his hadord Hem- 
ily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies ; he 
never was known to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip 
top friends lent it him ; to go to a theayter unless he got a 
horder ; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar. If pros- 
perraty was hever chocked out, it was for that young 
man. 

" But suckmstances arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore 
Frederick Timmins. The Railway Hoperations began. 

"For some time, imrnerst in lor and love, in the hardent 
hoccupations of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his 
Hemily, Frederick took no note of railroads. He did not 
reckonize the jigantic revalution which with hiron strides 
was a-walkin over the country. But they began to be 
talked of even in his quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford 
and Cambridge Clubb, fellers were a speckulatin. Tom 
Trumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared four thowsnd Ib. ; Bob 
Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his proppaty gam 
bling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who 
had won it, had won a small istate besides by lucky speck- 
lations in the Share Markit. 

" Hevery body won. Why shouldn t I, thought pore 
Fred; and having saved 100 Ib., he began a-writin for 
shares using, like an ickonominicle feller as he was, the 
Club paper to a prodigious igstent. All the Kailroad 
directors, his friends, helped him to shares the allottrnents 
came tumbling in he took the primmiums by fifties and 
hundreds a day. His desk was cramd full of bank notes : 
his brane world with igsitement. 

" He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be 
seen hall day about Capel Court. He took no mor hinterest 
in lor ; but his whole talk was of railroad lines. His desk 
at Mr. Bluebag s was filled full of prospectissies, and that 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 155 

legal gent wrote to Fred s uncle, to say he feared he was 
neglectin his bisniss. 

" Alass ! he was neglectin it, and all his sober and indus- . 
terous habits. He begann to give dinners, and thought 
nothin of party s to Greenwich or Richmond. He didn t 
see his Hemily near so often : although the hawdacious 
and misguided young man might have done so much more 
heasily now than before : for now he kep a Broom ! 

" But there s a tumrninus to hevery Railway. Fred s was 
approachin ; in an evil hour he began making time-bar g ings, 
Let this be a warning to all young fellers, and Fred s hun- 
timely hend hoperate on them in a moral pint of vu ! 

" You all know under what f avrabble suckemstansies the 
Great Hafrican Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold 
Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal) Hatmospheric Railway 
came out four weeks ago : deposit ninepence per share of 
201. (six elephant s teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or four 
healthy niggers, African currency) the shares of this 
helegeble investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit A 
happy man was Fred when, after paying down 100 nine- 
pences (31. 15s.), he sold his shares for 2501. He gave a 
dinner at the Star and Garter that very day I promise 
you there was no Marsally there. 

"Nex day they were up at 3^. This put Fred in a rage : 
they rose to 5, he was in a fewry. What an ass I was to 
sell, said he, when all this money was to be won! 7 

" And so you were an Ass, said his partickler friend, 
Colonel Claw, K.X.R., a director of the line, l a double- 
eared Ass. My dear feller, the shares will be at 15 next 
week. Will you give me your solemn word of honour 
not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell 
you? 

" Honour bright, 7 says Fred. 

" ( HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE. Fred didn t say a 
word more, but went tumbling down to the City in his 
Broom. You know the state of the streats. Claw went 
by water. 

" Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th, cries 



156 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

Fred, busting into his broker s; and they were done for 
him at 4J. 

* 

"Can t you guess the rest? Haven t you seen the Share 
List? which says : 

Great Africans, paid $d. ; price J par. 



" And that s what came of my pore dear friend Timrnins s 
time- barging. 

"What 11 become of him I can t say: for nobody has 
seen him since. His lodgings in Jerniing Street is to let. 
His brokers in vain deplore his absence. His Uncle has 
declared his marriage with his housekeeper ; and the Morn 
ing Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in 
the fashnabble news, headed Marriage in High Life. The 
rich and beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, 
is to be speedily united to Colonel Claw, K.X.R. 

"JEAMES." 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 157 



JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION. 

ME. PUNCH has received from that eminent railroad au 
thority Mr. Jeames Plush, the f olloAving letter, which bears 
most pathetically upon the present Gauge dispute : 

"You will scarcely praps rekonize in this little skitch. 
the haltered liniments of 1, with woos face the reders of 
your valluble mislny were once firniliar, the unfortnt 
Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated in the fashnabble 
suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the Wheel 
of Fortune public house. Yes, that is me ; that is my hay- 
pun which I wear as becomes a publican those is the 
checkers which hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am 
like the Bomin Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to any emud- 
gency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang in my time, 
aint now abov droring a -j- pint of Small Bier. As for my 
wife that Angel I ve not ventured to depigt her. Fansy 
her a-sittn in the Bar, sinilin like a sunflower and, ho, 
dear Punch ! happy in missing a deer little darlint totsy- 
wotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i s to 
aT! 

" I never thought I should have been injuiced to write 
anything but a Bill agin, much less to edress you on Kail- 
way Subjix which with all my sole 1 abaw. Railway 
letters, obligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys as to my 
Salissator s name, etc., etc., I dispize and scorn artily. 
But as a man, an usbnd, a father and a freebon Brittn, my 
jewty compels me to come forwoods, and igspress my opin 
ion upon that nashnal neivsance THE BREAK OF GAGE. 

"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I 
once very nearly had the honer of being kinected, acurd a 

few weex sins, when the Lady Angelina S , daughter 

of the Earl of B cres, presented the gallant Capting, her 



158 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would satasfy her 
Ladyship but that her old and atacht famdy-shamber, my 
wife Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this hispi- 

cious occasion. Capting S was not jellus of me on 

account of my former attachment to his Lady. I cunsented 
that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, 
and our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable 
frend s residence, Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham. 

" Sick of all Kailroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a 
Chay and 4, but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her 
Sex, was bent upon a Railroad travelling, and I yealded, 
like all husbinds. We set out by the Great Westn, in an 
eavle Hour. 

" We didn t take much luggitch my wife s things in the 
ushal band-boxes mine in a potmancho. Our dear little 
James Angelo s (called so in cornplainent to his noble God- 
mamma) craddle, and a small supply of a few 100 weight 
of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady s fingers, 
for that dear child who is now 6 months old, with a per- 
didgus appatite. Likewise we were charged with a bran 
new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary & Moris, con 
taining enough rewbub, Daffy s Alixir, Godfrey s caw die 
with a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina s family 
and owsehold; about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning 
from Mrs. Fluniinary s in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning 
bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big enough to immus a 
Halderman), & a case marked l Glass from her ladyship s 
nieddicle man, which were stowed away together ; had to 
this an ormylew Cradle, with rose-coloured Satting & Pink 
lace hangings held up by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, 
ingluding James Hangelo s rattle & my umbrellow, 73 
packidges in all. 

" We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the 
Splendid Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely 
gals in cottn velvet spencers, who serves out the soop, 
and 1 of whom maid an impresshn upon this Art which 1 
shoodn t like Mary Hann to know and here, to our in- 
fanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 159 

we were in the secknd class, having with us Janies Angelo, 
and 23 other light harticles. 

"Fust inconveniance ; and almost as bad as break of 
gage. I cast my hi upon the gal in cottn velvet and 
wanted some soop, of coarse ; but seasing up James Han- 
gelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an Am Sang- 
widg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi James/ says Mary 
Hann, instead of looking at that young lady and not so 
very young, neither be pleased to look to our packidges 
& place them in the other carridge. I did so with an evy 
Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the opsit carridg, only 
missing my umbrella & baby s rattle; and jest as I came 
back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the 
whizzling injians proclayins the time of our departure, & 
farewell soop and cottn velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. 
She said it was my losing the umbrella. If it had been a 
cotton velvet umbrella I could have understood. James 
Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell ; without 
his coral : & for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawr- 
ing which caused all the passingers to simpithize with him 
igseedingly. 

" We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at 
bein ableeged to undergo another change of carriages! 
Fansy me holding up moughs, tippits, cloaks, and baskits, 
and James Hangelo rawring still like mad, and pretending 
to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the 
broad gage to the narrow gage. Mary Hann, says I, rot 
to desperation, I shall throttle this darling if he goes on S 
( Do, says she and go into the refreshment room/ says 
she a-snatchin the babby out of my arms. Do go, says 
she, you re not fit to look after luggage, and she began 
lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she 
looked after the packets with the other. Now, Sir, if you 
please, mind that packet ! pretty darling easy with that 
box, Sir, it s glass pooooty poppet! where s the deal 
case, marked arrowroot, No. 24? she cried, reading out 
of a list she had. And poor little James went to sleep. 
The porters were bundling and carting the various harti- 



160 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

cles with no more ceremony than if each package had been 
of cannon-ball. 

"At last bang goes a package marked Glass, arid con 
taining the Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres mixture, into 
a large white band-box, with a crash and a smash. It s 
My Ladjr s box from Crinoline s! cries Mary Hann, and 
she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward 
to inspect the darnniidge. You could hear the Chayny 
bowls clinking inside; and Lady B. s mixture (which had 
the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was dribbling out over 
the smashed band-box, containing a white child s cloak, 
trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting. 

" As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncom 
mon hungry, I thought I would go into the Refreshment 
Room and just take a little soup; so I wrapped him up in 
his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off. 
There s not near such good attendance as at Swindon. 



" We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of 
us covered with a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so 
sulky that she would not speak for some minutes. At last 
she spoke out 

" Have you all the small parcels? 

" f Twenty-three in all, says I. 

t(s Then give me baby/ 

" GIVE YOU WHAT ? says I. 

" Give me baby. 

" What haven t y-y-yoooo got him? says I. 

* * 

" Mussy ! You should have heard her sreak ! We d 
left Mm on the ledge at Gloster. 
"It all came of the break of gage. 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 161 



MR. JEAMES AGAIN. 

"DEAR MR. PUNCH, 

"As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my 
privit ressdence, The Wheel of Fortune Otel, and at your 
Horns, regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Han- 
gelo, whose primmiture disappearnts caused such hagnies 
to his distracted parents, I must begg, dear Sir, the per 
mission to ockupy a part of your vauble collams once more, 
and hease the public mind about my blessid boy. 

" Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me 
and Mrs. Plush was left in the train to Cheltenham, 
soughring from that most disgreeble of complaints, a hal- 
rnost broken Art. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be 
said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rushfc 
into that fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found 
it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my lapp. 

" When the old Dowidger, Lady Bareacres, who was 
waiting heagerly at the train, that owing to that abawmin- 
able brake of Gage, the luggitch, her Ladyship s Cherry- 
brandy box, the cradle for Lady Hagelina s baby, the lace, 
crockary and chany was rejuiced to one immortial smash ; 
the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if 
it was huss, and not the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to 
blame ; and as if we ad no misf ortns of our hown to de- 
plaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called 
Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and wep and 
abewsd and took on about her broken Chayny Bowl a great 
deal mor than she did about a dear little Christian child. 
Don t talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby (seshe), 
1 where s my bowl? where s my medsan? where s my 
bewtiffle Pint lace? All in ruins through your stupidaty, 
you brute, you. 

" Bring your haction against the Great Western, 



162 DIARY OF C. JBAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

Maam, says I, quite riled by this crewel and unfealing 
hold wixen. Ask the pawters at Gloster, why your goods 
is spiled it s not the fust time they ve been asked the 
question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you 
send for medsan and meanwild buy some at the Plow 
they keep it very good and stong there, I ll be bound. 
Has for us, we re a-going back to the cussid station at 
Gloster, in such if our blessid child. 

" You don t mean to say, young woman, seshee, that 
you re not going to Lady Hangelina: what s her dear boy 
to do? who s to nuss it? 

" You nuss it, Maam, says I, Me and Mary Hann re 
turn this momint by the Fly. And so (whishing her a 
suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I lep into a one-oss 
weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to Gloster. 

"I can t describe my pore gal s hagny juring our ride. 
She sat in the carridge as silent as a milestone, and as 
madd as a march Air. When we got to Gloster she sprang 
hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to the station up 
to the fatle Bench. 

" My child, my child, shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice, 
Where s my infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes, 
-dear Mr. Policeman, give it me a thousand guineas for 
it. 

" Faix, Mam, ? says the man, a Hirishman, and the 
divvle a babby have I seen this day, except thirteen of my 
own and you re welcome to any one of them and kindly. 

" As if his babby was equal to ours, as my darling Mary 
Hann said, afterwards. All the station was scrouging 
round us by this time pawters & clarx and refreshmint 
people and all. What s this year row about that there 
babby? at last says the Inspector ? stepping hup. I 
thought my wife was going to jump into his harms. 
Have you got him? says she. 

" Was it a child in a blue cloak? says he. 

" And blue eyes ! says my wife. 

" I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he s 
there by this time. The Guard of the Mail took him and 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 163 

put him in a letter-box/ says he, he went 20 minutes ago. 
We found him on the broad gauge line, and sent him on by 
it, in course/ says he. And it ll be a caution to you, 
young woman, for the future to label your children along 
with the rest of your luggage. 

" If my piguniary means had been such as once they was, 
you may emadgine I d ave ad a speshle train and been 
hoff like smoak. As it was, we was obliged to wait 4 mor- 
tial hours for the nex train. (4 ears they seemed to us) 
and then away we went. 

" My boy ! my little boy ! says poor, choking Mary 
Hann, when we got there. A parcel in a blue cloak/ says 
the man? f No body claimed him here, and so we sent 
him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him 
some supper, and he s at Paddington by this time. Yes/ 
says he, looking at the clock, he s been there these ten 
minutes. 

"But seeing my poor wife s distracted histarricle state 
this good-naturd man says, I think, my dear, there s a 
way to ease your mind. We ll know in five minutes how 
he is. 

" Sir/ says she, don t make sport of me. 

" No, my dear, we ll telegraph him ! 

" And he began hopparatiug on that singular and ingenus 
electrickle inwention, which aniliates time, and carries in 
telligence in the twinkling of a peg-post. 

" I ll ask/ says he, for child marked G. W.273. 

"Back comes the telegraph with the sign, All right. 

" Ask what he s doing, sir/ says my wife, quite amazed. 
Back comes the answer in a Jiffy 

" C.K.Y.I.N.G. 

" This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore 
Mary Hann, who pull d a very sad face. 

"The good-naterd feller presently said * he d have an 
other trile; and what d ye think was the answer? I m 
blest if it wasn t 

" P.A.P. 

"He was eating pap! There s for you there s a rogue 



164 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

for you there s a March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled 
now for the fust time. He ll sleep now, 7 says she. And 
she sat down with a full hart. 



" If hever that good-natured Shooperintendent comes to 
London, he need never ask for his skore at the Wheel of 








Fortune Hotel, I promise you where me and my wife and 
James Hangelo now is ; and where only yesterday a gent 
came in and drew this pictur of us in our bar. 

" And if they go on breaking gages j and if the child, the 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 165 

most precious luggidge of the Henglishmaii is to be bun 
dled about in. this year way, why it won t be for want of 
warning, both from Professor Harris, the Commission, and 
from 

"My dear Mr. Punch s obeajent servant, 

"JEAMES PLUSH." 



166 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 



ME. JEAMES S SENTIMENTS ON THE 
CAMBRIDGE ELECTION. 

TO ME. PUNCH. 



"DEAR MR. P., 

" Some vulgar & raddicle igspreshns in the last number 
of your mislany in juice me to edress you I mean those in 
which you indulch in mean snears at the conduck of the 
Donns of Cambritch Unavussaty. 

" Being only an individgl, and not a Unavussaty mann, it 
ill becomes me, I know, to put in my or in the dispute 
about the Cambridg Chanslor. My vote (did I pesess that 
facklty) would be where, I needn say. Art and sole 
with my Prins and Koil Concert of my Crownd. 

" My sentinience is those of Doctor Whyouwewyouwhe- 
well. I ve stood behind his chair in fommer days, where I 
instantly reckonised his elygnt urbannaty, his retiring 
modesty, his unfained urnillaty, and his genuin cuttisy, 
jest as Anti-Junius in the Times, igspresses em and 
I ve no doubt his pupils was his absobbing care. I ve 
heerd say, by gents who were at Cambridg College, that his 
love for the young fellers was ackshly affecting to see; 
that one of em was never ill, but he sor him take his med- 
san and put his feet in hot water; that he wrote to the 
Mars of every 1 of them every mawning ; that he used to 
weap when they went ome for the oladays ; that he ruined 
himself in making em. presents, and giving em. parties; in 
a wud, there was no end to his kindness and femilliar re 
gard for em. 

"If he doesn t allow young gentlemen to sit down in his 
presents now : you must remember, Mr. Punch, that the 
purshoots of these Schudents is already seduterry : and 
it s unwholesome for em to be too long in a sittn postar. 

" This however is not the pint which I wish at present to 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES BE LA PLUCHE. 167 

udj. What I like, is the bust of loilty which has placed 
my Prints at the head of the pole ; and that manly exabi- 
tion of indipendns which has caused Masters of Arts & 
Brittns to rally round him. Manly a Brittn ahvays is 
there s no truckling about us we never kiss a great 
man s shoo-strings; and if the Unavussaty chooses a 
Young Jumman Prince of sixntwenty for its Chanslor de 
pend on it it ad its reasns. Depend on it he ll be an honor 
to his Halmymater. He was chose not on account of his 
exalted rank but on account of his { admirable virtues it 
was them that made him Chanslor, and no mistake. 

" Y you ve only to read his Boil Highness own roil 
note in reply to the Cambridg requisishn to convints you 
he s not a common man I think it beats every think in 
pint of style, in neatness of erangemint, and felissaty of 
igspreshn. 

" The expression of the wish upon the part of so numer 
ous and influential a portion of the Senate of the U. of C., 
including so many eminent names, that I should allow my 
self to be proposed for election into the vacant office of C. 
of the U. cannot be otherwise than highly gratifying to my 
feelings. Did it not appear from proceedings entered into 
by others in the University that there does not exist that 
unanimity which alone would leave me at liberty to con 
sent to be put in nomination, I should have felt both the 
greatest pleasure and pride in acceding to the desire ex 
pressed in this address, and so personally connecting my 
self with your ancient and renowned seat of learning. 

"There s a stile for you, dear Mr. P. The expression 
of the wish upon the part of a portion of the senate includ 
ing so many eminent names, there s writing, see how the 
preposishns back up that sentns ! The wish upon the part 
of a portion of the senate, - -isn t that neat? and, includ 
ing so many eminent names, --how plesntly that phrase 
comes in ! It may be 

1. The senate includes eminent names, 

2. The wish includes eminent names, 

3. The expression includes eminent names, 
8 Vol. 19 





168 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

or quite the revuss, or any way you chews it s elygant 
however you take it. 

" And * did it not appear that there does not exist that 
unanimity of feeling, I should have felt both the greatest 
pleasure and pride there s a happy modesty about that 
igspreshn which amounts to perfect Poitry. Unless the 
Universaty s unanimous unless every man every poor 
curick in Northumberland every pius Bishop in Wesmis- 
ter is brought to see that the Prince must be Chanslor, 
that it s impawsable to think of any other to ignolledge 
that His E.H. is the man, as you ignolledge a Star or a 
Comick in Heaven he can t come forrards. There never 
was such an instants of amiable diffidents. But the Eds of 
Ouses woodn let H.H. off. Our reveared Bishops sor his 
tricks they knew what was for the good of Hengland and 
the advancement of learning ; they took his Koil Highness 
nolus bolus (to use a Lating igspreshun), and carried him 
blushing to the head of the pole. 

" In that ellyvated poast I am proud to see him ; and 
what s mor, I hope when little Mary Hann and Jeams are 
arrived at the proper age, I shall be able to take them to 
be confurnrned by that exlent prelick (and at present most 
Independent minister) Bishop Whyewyouwhooill. 

" I look f orrard, I say, to see him on the Bench an 
ideer which I am sure has never entered into the head of 
that honored and beloved man. I say he deserves it, 
and Y? because he s worked for it. And I present my 
respeckfle complymence to Anti-Junius and the sperrited 
proprietors of The Times. 

" Your obeajnt Suvnt, 

"JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE." 



DIARY OF C. JEAME8 DB LA PLUCHE. 169 



SONNICK, 

SEJESTED BY PRINCE HALBEBT GRATIOUSLY KILLING THE 
STAGGS AT SACKS-COBUG-GOTHY. 

Some forty Ed of sleak and hantlered dear 

In Cobug (where such hanimmles abound) 
Were shot, as by the nusepapers I hear, 

By Halbert Usband of the British Crownd. 
Britannia s Queen let fall the purly tear; 

Seeing them butcherd in their silvn prisns ; 
Igspecially, when the keepers, standing round, 

Came up and cut their pretty hinnocent whizns. 

Suppose, instead of this pore Germing sport 
This Saxn wenison which he shoots and baggs, 

Our Prins should take a turn in Capel Court 
And make a massyker of English Staggs. 

Pore Staggs of Hengland ! were the Untsman at you, 
What avoc he would make & what a trimenjus battu ! 

JEAMB. 



170 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 



THE PERSECUTION OF BRITISH 

FOOTMEK 

BY MR. JEAMES. 

LIVIN remoke from the whirld: hockupied with the 
umble dooties of iny perfeshun, which raoacely consists of 
droring hale & beer for the gence who freguent my otel, 
polittlicle efairs hinterest but sulduni, and I confess that 
when Loy Philip habdigaded (the other day, as I read in 
iny noble & favorite Dispatch newspaper, where Publicoaler 
is the boy for me), I cared no mor than I did when the 
chap hover the way went hoff without paying his rent. No 
maw does my little Mary Hann. I prorninis you she has 
enough to do in minding the bar and the babbies, to eed the 
conwulsions of hempires or the hagonies of prostrick kings. 

I ham what one of those littery chaps who uses our back 
parlor calls a poker curranty on plitticle subjix. I don t 
permit em to whex, worrit, or distubb me. My objick is 
to leaf a good beer bisnis to little Jeaines, to sckewer some- 
think comf table for my two gals, Mary Hann and Han- 
gelina (wherehof the latter, who has jest my blew his and 
yaller air, is a perfick little Sherry bing to behold), and in 
case Grimb Deth, which may appen to the best on us, 
should come & scru me down, to leaf behind a somethink 
for the best wife any gentleman hever ad tied down of 
coarse if hever she should marry agin. 

I shoodn t have wrote at all, then, at this present juncter, 
but for sugmstances which affect a noble and galliant body 
of nienn, of which I once was a hornmint ; I mean of the 
noble perfesshn of Henglish footmen & livry suvvants, 
which has been crooly pussicuted by the firoashus Paris 
mob. I love my hold companions in harms, and none is 
more welcome, when they ave money, than they at the 
Wheel of Fortune Otel. I have a clubb of twenty for gen- 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 171 

tlemen outalivery, which has a riunion in my front parlor ; 
and Mr. Buck, my lord Duke s hown man, is to stand God 
father to the next little Plush as ever was. 

I call the attenshn of Europ, in the most solomon and 
impressive manner, to the hinjaries infligted upon my 
brutherin. Many of them have been obleeged to boalt 
without receiving their wagis ; many of them is egsiles on 
our shaws : an inf ewriate Parishn mob has tawn off their 
shoaldernots, laft at their wenerable liveries and buttons, 
as they laff at everythink sacred ; and I look upon those 
pore men as nayther mor nor less than marters, and pitty 
and admire them with hall my art. 

I holier to those sacred rephugs (to such in coarse as can 
pay their shott) an esylum under the awspitible roof of 
Jeames Plush of the Wheel of Fortune. Some has already 
come here ; two of em occupize our front garrits ; in the 
back Hattix there is room for 6 mor. Come, brave and 
dontless Hemmigrants! Come, childring of Kilanirnaty 
for eight-aiid-six a week ; an old member of the Cor hoifers 
you bed and bord ! 

The narratif of the ixcapes and dangers which they have 
gon through, has kep me and Mrs. P. hup in the bar to 
many a midnike our, a-listening to them stories. My pore 
wife cries her hi s out at their nerations. 

One of our borders, and a near relatif by the Grand 
mother s side, of my wife s famly (though I despise buth, 
and don t bragg like some foax of my ginteel kinexions), 
is a man wenerated in the whole profeshn, and lookt up as 
one of the fust Vips in Europe. In this country (and from 
his likeness when in his Vig to our rewered prelicks of the 
bentch of bishops) he was called Cantyberry his reel name 
being Thomas. You never sor a finer sight than Canty- 
berry on a levy day, a-seated on his goold fringed Arniner- 
cloth ; a nozegy in his busni ; his little crisp vig curling 
quite noble over his jolly red phase; his At laced hallover 
like a Hadmiral ; the white ribbings in his ands, the prans- 
ing bay osses befor him ; and behind,, his state carridge ; 
with Marqiiz and Marchyness of Jonquil inside, and the 



172 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

galliant f ootmeu in yalla livery clinging on at the back ! 
" Hooray ! the boys used to cry hout, only to see Canty- 
berry arrive. Every person of the extablishment called 
him " Sir," his Master & Missis inklewdid. He never went 
into the stayble, ixep to smoke a segar; and when the 
state-carridge was hordered (me and the Jonquils live close 
together, the W of F being sitiwated in a ginteal Court lead 
ing hout of the street), he sat in my front parlor, in full 
phig, reading the newspaper like a Lord, until such time 
as his body-suvn t called him, and said Lord and Lady Jon 
quil was ready to sit behind him. Then he went. Not a 
minnit sooner : not a rninnit latter ; and being elped hup to 
the box by 3 men, he took the ribbings, and drove his em 
ployers, to the ressadencies of the nibillaty, or the pallis of 
the Sovring. 

Times is now, R how much changed with Cantyberry ! 
Last yer, being bribed by Sir Thomas and Lady Kickle- 
bury, but chiefly, I fear, because this old gent, being in- 
timat with Butlers, had equired a tayste for Bergamy, and 
Clarick, and other French winds, he quitted Lord and Lady 
Jonquil s box for that of the Kicklebury fanily, residing 
Rue Rivuly, at Parris. He was rispected there that Canty- 
berry is wherehever he goes; the King, the Hex-Kings 
coachmen, were mear moughs compared to him ; and when 
he eard the Kings osses were sold the other day at 50 
frongs apease, he says they was deer at the money. 

Well, on the 24th of Febbywerry, being so ableegin as 
to drive Sir T. and Lady Kicklebury to dinner with the 
Markee D Epinard, in the Fobug Sang Jermang, Canty- 
berry, who had been sittn all day reading Gallynanny, 
and playing at cribbidge at a Marshong de Vang, and 
kawbsquinly was quite hignorant of the ewents in progrice, 
found hisself all of a sudding serowndid by a set of rewd 
fellers with pikes and guns, hollerun and bellerin " Veevly 
liberty," " Amore Lewy-Philip," &c. "Git out of the way 
there," says Cantyberry, from his box, a-vipping his osses. 

The puple, as the French people call theirselves, came 
round the carridge, rawring out "Ah Bah I Aristocrat f " 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 173 

Lady Kicklebury looked hout. Her Par was in the 
Cheese Mongering (olesale) way : and she never was called 
an aristograt afor. " Your mistaken, my good people, " 
says she ; " Je swee Onglase. Wee, boco, Lady Kicklebury, 
je vay diner aveo Munseer D Eppynar; ; and so she went 
a-jabbring on; but I m blest if the Puple would let her 
pass that way. They said there was a barrygade in the 
street, and turning round the eds of Canty berry s osses, 
told him to drive down the next street. He didn t under 
stand, but was reddy to drop hoff his perch at the Hindig- 
naty hoffered the British Yip. 

Now they had scarce drove down the next street at a 
tarin gallop, (for when aggrywated, Cantyberry drives like 
inadd, to be sure), when lowinbyold, they come on some 
more puple, more pikes, more guns, the pavement hup, and 
a Buss spilt on the ground, so that it was impawsable to pass. 

" Git out of the carridge," rors the puple, and a feller in 
a cock at, (of the Pollypicnic School, Cantyberry says, 
though what that is he doant No), comes up to the door, 
while hothers old the osses, and says, " Miladi, il faut de- 
scendres ; r which means, you must git out. 

" Mway ne vu pas, Moi Lady Kicklebury," cries out my 
Lady, waggling her phethers and diminds, and screaming 
like a Macaw. 

"II le fo pourtong ," says the Pollypicnic scholard: very 
polite, though he was ready to bust with laffin hisself. 
" We must make a barrygade of the carridge. The cavilry 
is at one hend of the street, the hartillary at the other ; 
there ll be a fight presently, and out you must git." 

Lady Kicklebury set up a screaming louder than hever, 
and I warrant she hopped out pretty quick this time, and 
the hoffiser, giving her his harm, led her into a kimrnis 
shop, and give her a glas of sallyvalattaly. 

Meanwild Cantyberry sat puffin like a grampus on his 
box, his face as red as Ceilingwhacks. His osses had been 
led out before his hi s, his footmen French minials, un- 
wuthy of a livry had iratynized with the Mobb, and 
Thomas Cantyberry sat aloan. 



174 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

" Descends mong gros ! cries the mobb ; (which intup- 
prited is " Come down, old fat un ; ") " come off your box, 
we re goin to upset the carridge." 

"Never," says Thomas, for which he knew the French; 
and dubbling his phist, he igsclaimed, " Jammy Dammy ! 
He cut the fust man who sprang hon the box, hover the 
fase and i s; he delivered on the nex feller s nob. But 
what was Thomas Canty berry against a people in harms? 
They pulled that brave old man off his perch. They up 
set his carridge his carridge beside a buss. When he 
comes to this pint of his narratif, Thomas always busts 
into tears and calls for a fresh glas. 

He is to be herd of at my bar: and being disingaged 
hoffers hisself to the Nobillaty for the enshuing seasn. 
His turns is ninety Ibs. per hannum, the purchesing of the 
hannimals and the corn, an elper for each two osses : ony 
to drive the lord and lady of the famly, no drivin at night 
excep to Ofishl parties, and two vigs drest a day during 
the seasn. He objex to the country, and won t go abrod 
no more. In a country (sezee) where I was ableeged to 
whonder abowt disguised out of livery, amongst a puple 
who pulled my vig off before my face, Thomas will never 
mount box agin. 

And I eplaud him. And as long as he has enough to 
pay his skaw, my house is a home for this galliant Hegsile. 



Sins last weak the Beaming of Bevalution has been 
waiving his flamming sord over France, has drove many 
more of our unfortnit feller suvnts to hemigrat to the land 
of their Buth. 

The aggrywation of the Boddy of Gentlemen at Livvry 
agenst the Forriner I am sorry to say is intence. Heatings 
of my bruthring have took place at many of their Houses 
of Call in this town. Some gence who use our back parlor 
had an Eccembly there the other night called the Hag- 
grygit British Plush Protection Society, which, in my ca- 
pasty of Lanlord and Xmember of the Boddy, I was called 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 175 

upon to attend. Everythink was conducted on ordly redy- 
nioney prinsaples, and the liquor paid for as soon as called 
for, and drunk as soon as paid. 

But the feelings of irratation against Foring Se wants as 
igsibbited by our Domestic projuice was, I grieve to say, 
very bitter. Sevral of our Marters came amongst us, pore 
Egsiles wrankling under the smarts of their ill treatment. 
The stories of their Bongs caused a furrnentation amongst 
the bruthring. It was all I could do to check the harder 
of some Howtragus Sperrits, and awhirt perhaps a Massy- 
kry of French curriers and lackys employed by our nobil- 
laty and gentry. I am thankful to think that peraps I 
prewented a dellidge of foriiig blood. 

The tails told by our Marters igsited no small and un- 
natral sirn pithy : when Chawls Garters, late Etendant in 
the famly of the Duke of Calyrnanco in the Fobug St. 
Honory, came amongst and igsplained how if he had been 
aloud to remane a few weeks longer in Parris Madamasell 
De Calymanco, the Duke s only daughter and hairis, would 
probbly have owned the soft pashn which she felt for our 
por Chawls, and have procured the consent of her Par to 
her rnarridge with the galliant and andsum Henglishrnan, 
the meeting thrild with Amotion, and tears of pitty for our 
comrid bedimd each hi. His hart s afections have been 
crusht. Madyrnasell was sent to a Convent ; and Chawls 
dismist with a poltry 3 months wages in adwance, and re 
turns to Halbion s shores & to servitude once more. 

Frederic Legs also moved us deaply ; we call him leggs, 
from the bewty of those limbs of his, which from being his 
pride and hornymint, had nearly projuised his rewing. 
When the town was in kemotion, and the furious French 
Peuple pursewing every Henglish livary, Frederick (in 
suvvice with a noble fainly who shall be narneliss) put on a 
palto and trowseys, of which his master made him a presnt 
and indeavoured to fly. 

He mounted a large tricolore cockade in his At, from, 
which he tor the lace, and tried as much as possable to 
look like a siwillian. But it wouldn t do. The clo s given. 



176 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

him by his X-master, who was a little inann, were too 
small for Frederick the bewty of his legs epeared through 
his trowsies. The Rebublikins jeered and laft at him in the 
streats ; and it is a mussy that he ever reached Balone alive. 

I tried to cumsole Chawls by pinting out that the Art 
which has truly loved never forgits, but as trewly loves on 
to the clothes ; and that if Madamasell reely did love him 
as he said, he had a better chans of winning her And now 
than under a monarchickle and. arastacrattic Guvment ; and 
as for Frederic, I pinted out to him that a man of his ap- 
pearants was safe of irnplymint and promoashn in any coun 
try. 

I did every think, in a word, to sooth my f rends. In a 
noble speach I showed, that if others do wrong, that is no 
reason why we shouldn t do right. "On the contry now is 
the time," I said, "for Hengland to show she is reely the 
Home of the World ; and that all men, from a Black to a 
Frenchman, ought to be safe under the Banner of the Brit- 
tanier. 

"The pholly of these consperracies and jellowsies, I 
think may be pinted out to my feller-suvants, and igsem- 
plafied in the instants of the famlies of the Prince of 
Bovo, at parris, and of Lord Y Count Guttlebury, in this 
country. 

" At Parris, as is well ascertained, the nobill Prins, who 
kep a large studd of osses, with English groombs to take 
care of em (as by natur Britns are formed to do that, and 
every think better than everybody) the noble Prins, I say, 
was called upon by the Puple to dishiniss his Hinglish oss- 
keepers. ServitureJ says the Prince, Veeve la liberty! 
let the Hosskeepers be turned out, as the Sovring Puple is 
inimichael to their stoppin in France. 7 The Puple left the 
Sitzen Prins with a chear for fratunnity, & the por groombs 
packed up, and have come back to their native hilind. 

" But what inshood? The next day the Prins sent away 
the bosses after the hosskeepers ; sold up the studd ; locked 
up the carridges, broornbs, cabs, bogeys (as those hignorant 
French call buggiz), laudores & all, and goes about now 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 177 

with an unibereller. And how I should lick to know, is 
the puple any better for ineddlin? 

" Lord Ycount Guttlebury s is a case, dear friends, which 
still mor conies hoani to our busins and our bisniss, and 
has made no small sensatiun in the Plush and in the fash 
ionable wuld. The splender of his lodship s entytain- 
nients is well-known. That good and uprike nobleman 
only lived for wittles. And be ard on him? why should 
we? Nayter has implanted in our busurns tastis of a thou 
sand different kinds. Some men have a paslm for fox- 
untin, some like listening to dybatts in Parlymink and settn 
on railrode committies; some like Politticle Aconomy. 
I ve waited behind a chair and heard foax talk about 
Jollagy, Straty, and red sanstone, until I ve nearly dropt 
asleap myself while standing a Santynel on jewty. What 
then? Give every inann his taste, I say, and my Lord 
Gtittlebury s was his dinner. 

" He had a French Hartist at the head of his Quizeen of 
coarse that sellabrated rnann Munseer Supreme- Munseer 
Sooflay persided hover the curnfeckshnary ; and under Su- 
praym were three young aidycongs : a Frenchman, a Bul- 
giaii, and a young feller from the city, who manidged the 
tertle and wenson department. 

" He was a clever young inann. He has hofn been to 
take a glas at the W of F : and whenever he came with a 
cassyrowl of clear turtle, or an ash wenison dish for my 
Mary Hann, he was I m. sure always welcome. But John 
Baster was henvious and hambishes. He jined the owtcry 
which has been rose against for ing suvnts by some of our 
bruthring, and he thought to git ridd of Supraym and the 
other contynentials, and espired to be Chief Guvnor of my 
lord s kitching. 

" Forgitting every sentarnent but haytred of the f orryner, 
this envius raskle ingaged the kitching- boys and female 
elpers (who, bein a hansum young maim, looked on him 
with a kindly i) in a fowl conspiracy against the French 
men. He iutrojuiced kyang pepper into the pattys, gar- 
lick into the Bleinongys, and sent up the souffly flavoured 



178 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLTJCHK 

with ingyans. He pysoned my lord s chocolate with sha- 
lott, he put Tarry gin vinegar into the Hices. There never 
was such a conwulsion, or so horrid an igspreshn of hagny 
in a man s, has (I m told by my exlent friend, the Mojor- 
domy) my lord s fase ashumed, when he tasted black pep 
per in the clear soup. 

" The exdence occurred day after day. It was one day 
when a B 1 P ss n dge was dining with his Lodd- 
ship ; another when 6 egsiled sovrings took their mutton 
(when he didn t so much mind) ; a 3d when he wished to 
dine more igspecially better than on any other, because the 
doctor had told him to be careful, and he was dining by 
himself : this last day drove him inadd. He sent for Su- 
prame, addresst that gentilman in languidge which he 
couldn t brook (for he was a Major of the Nashnal Guard of 
his Betallian, and Commander of the Legend of Honour), 
and Suprame rasined on the spott which the French and 
the Bulgian did it too. 

" Soouflay and the cumfectioners heniigrated the nex day. 
And the house steward, who has a heasy master, for Lord 
G. is old, fibble, and 70 years of hage, and whose lady has 
an uncommon good apinnion of Master Baster, recom 
mended him to the place, or at least to have the Pur- 
visional Guvment of my lord s Quizeen. 

" It wasn t badd. Baster has talints of no mien horder. 
You couldn t egsactly find folt with his souperiritend- 
iance. But a mere good dinner is fur from enough to your 
true amature. A dellixy, a something, & jenny squaw, con- 
statutes the diff rants between talint and Genus and my 
lord soughered under it. He grew melumcolly and silent ; 
he dined, it s trew, taysting all the outrays as usual, but 
he never made any remarx about em, for good or for bad. 
Young Baster at the Igth of his Harnbishn, tor his Air 
with rage as his dinners came down 1 by 1, and nothing 
was said about em nothing. 

" Lord Guttlebury was breaking his Art. He didn know 
how fond he was of Supraym, till he lost him how iies- 
sassurry that mann was to his igsistence. He sett his con- 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 179 

fidenshle Valick to find out where Supraym had retreated ; 
and finding he was gone to Gascony, of which he is a natif, 
last weak, without saying a word to his frends, with only 
Sangswe his valet, and the flying ketching fourgong, with 
out which he never travels my lord went to France and 
put himself again under Supraym. The sean between em, 
I m told, was very affecting. My lord has taken a Shatto 
near Supraym s house, who comes to dress the dinner of 
which the noble Ycount partakes aloan. 

"The town-house is shet up, and everybody has ad 
orders to quit all the footmen all the quizeen, in coarse 
including Baster and this is all he has gained by his in- 
sidgus haytrid of forraners, and by his foolish harnbishn. 

" No, my friends," I concluded; " if gentlemen choose to 
have foreign suvnts, it s not for its to intafear, and there 
must be a free trayd in flunkies as in every other kimodaty 
of the world." 

I trust that my little remarks pazyfied some of the dis 
contented sperrits presnt and can at least wouch for the 
fact that every man shook Ands ; every man paid his Skoar. 



180 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 



THOUGHTS ON A NEW COMEDY. 

(BEING A LETTER FROM MR. J s PLUSH TO A 

FRIEND.) 

" Whell of Fortune, Barr, 
" Jenyoury twenty-fith. 

11 MY DEAR RlNCER, 

" Me and Mary Hann was very much pleased with the 
box of feznts and woodcox, which you sent us, both for the 
attention which was dellygit, and because the burds was 
uncommon good and full of flaviour. Some we gev away : 
some we hett : and I leave you to ernadgin that the Mann 
as sent em will holways find a glass of sornethink conifor- 
able in our Barr; and I hope you ll soon come back to Lon 
don, Rincer, my boy. Your account of the Servants all 
festivvaties at Fitzbattleaxe Castle, and your dancing Sir 
Rodjydycovvly (I don t know how to spell it) with Lady 
Hawguster, emused Mary Hann very much. That sotta- 
thing is very well onst a year or so : but in my time I 
thought the fun didn t begin until the great folks had gone 
away. Give my kind suvvices to Mrs. Lupin, and tell 
Munseer Beshyniell with my and Mary Hann s best wishes, 
that our little Fanny can play several tunes on his pianner. 
Comps to old Coachy. 

"Till parlymint nothink is stirring, and there s 110 noose 
to give you or fill my sheat igsept (and I dessay this will 
surprize you) igsept I talk about the new Play. 

"Although I m. not genly a patternizer of the Draminer, 
which it interfears very much with my abbits and ixpeshly 
is not plesnt dareckly after dinner to set hoff to a cold 
theayter for a rniddle-Hage Mann, who likes to take things 
heazy ; yet, my dear feller, I do from time to time step in 
(with a horder) to the walls of the little Aymarket or Old 
Dewry, sometimes to give a treat to Mrs. Jeames and the 
younguns, sometimes to wild away a hidle hour when she s 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLTJCHE. 181 

outatown or outatemper (which sometimes will occur in the 
best reglated families, you know), or when some private 
mellumcolly or sorer of my own is a hagitating hof me. 

" Yesdy evening it was none of these motifs which in- 
juiced me to go to the theayter I had heard there was a 
commady jest brought out, inwolving the carrickter of our 
profession that profeshn which you and me, Mr. Kincer, 
did oust belong to Fm not above that profeshn. I ave 
its hintarests and Honor at art : and of hevery man that 
wears the Plush, I say that Mann is my Brother (not that 
I need be phonder of him for that, on the ontry, I recklect 
at our school where I lunt the fust rules of athography 
and grammar, the Brothers were holwis a pitchen into 
heach other) but in fine, I love the Plush of hold days, 
and hah ! I regret that hold Father Time is doing some- 
think to my Air, which wightns it more pumminantly 
than the Powder, which once I war ! 

"A commady, Sir, has been brought out, (which I m 
surprized it aint been mentioned at my Barr, though to be 
sure rnose gents is keeping Grisrnass Olydays in the Coun 
try) in which I was creddably informed one of hus one 
of the old Plushes why should I ezitate to say, a Foot 
man, forms the prinsple drammitis-pursony. How is my 
horder represented on the British Stage I hast myself? 
Are we spoke of respeckful or otherwise? Does anybody 
snear at our youniforin or purfeshn? I was determingd to 
see j and in case of hanythink inslant being said of us, I 
took a key with me in horder to iss propply ; and bought 
sevral horringers jest to make uce of em if I sor any 
nessasaty. 

" My dear Rincer, I greave to say, that though there 
was nothink against our purfeshn said in the pease and 
though the most delligit and sensatif footman (and I ve 
known no men of more dellixy of feelin and sensabillaty 
than a well-reglated footman is whether hin or hout of 
livry) could find folt with the languidge of the New Com 
mady of Leap Year, yet its prinsples is dangerous to pub- 
lick maralaty, as likewise to our beloved purfeshn. 



182 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

" The plot of the Pease is founderd upon a hancient Lor, 
which the Hauther, Mr. Buckstone, discovvred in an un 
common hold book, and by which it epars that in Lip- Year 
(or what s called Bissixdile in Istronnamy) it is the women 
who have the libbaty of choosing their usbands and not as 
in hornary times, the men who choose their wives (I reek- 
mend you, old feller, who are a reglar hold Batchylor, to 
look out in the Orninack for Lip Year, and kip liout of the 
way that year), and this pragtice must be common anough 
in Hengland, for a commady is a representation of natur, 
and in this one, every one of the women asts every one of 
the men to marry : igsept one, and she asts two of em. 

" Oust upon a time there was an old genlrnn by the name 
of Flowerdew as married a young woman, who became in 
consquince Mrs. Flora Flowerdew. She made this hold 
buck so Appy during the breaf coarse of his meddrimonial 
career, that he left a will, bordering her to marry agin 
before three years was over, failing vich, hevary shillin of 
his proppaty should go to his nex Hair. Aving maid these 
destirnentry errangements hold Flowerdew died. Peace 
be to his Hashes ! 

"His widder didn t cry much (for betwigst you and me 
F. must have been rayther a silly old feller), but lived on 
in a genteal manner in a house somewhere in the drecshon 
of Arnstid I should think, entertaining her friends like a 
lady : and like a lady she kep her coachman and groom : 
had her own maid, a cook and housemaid of coarse, a page 
and a Mann. 

" If I had been a widder I would have choajs a Man of a 
better Ithe, than Mrs. Folwerjew did. Nothink becomes a 
footman so much as Ithe. It s that which dixtinguidges 
us from the wulgar, and I greave to say in this pedicklar 
the gentleman as hacted Villiani Valker, Mrs. F. s man, 
was sadly detisnt. He was respeckble, quiet, horderly, 
hactive but his figger I must say was no go. You and 
me, Rincer, ave seen footmen and know what s the proper 
sort seen em? Hah, what mon there was in hour time! 
Do you recklect Bill the Maypole as was with us at Lord 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 183 

Ammersmith s? What a chap that was! what a leg he 
ad! The young men are not like us, Tom Bineer, but I 
am diwerging from my tail, which I reshume. 

" I diddnarive at the commensment of the drammer (for 
their was a Purty a-settling his skower in my Barr which 
kep me a cumsederable time), but when I hentered the 
theaytre, I fown myself in presnts of Mr. & Mrs. C. Kean 
in a droring-roomb, Mrs. K. at a tabble pertending to right 
letters, or to so ankyshuffs or somethink, Mr. K. a clasp 
ing his &s, a rowling his his, and a quoating poatry & 
Byrom and that sort of thing like anythink. 

"Mrs. Kean, she was the widdo, and Mr K. he was 
Villiam, the man. He wasn t a Buttler, dear Kincer, like 
U. He wasn t groom of the Chimbers like Mr. Mewt at 
my Lord s (to whomb my best complymince), he wasn t a 
mear footman, he wasn t a page : but he was a mixter of 
all 4. He had trowzies like a page with a red strip ; he 
had a coat like a Hunndress John ; he had the helegant 
mistary of Mr. Mewt, and there was a graceful abanding 
and a daggijay hair about which I whish it was more 
adopted in our purfeshn. 

"Haltho in hour time, dear Bineer, we didn quoat 
Byroin and Shikspyer in the droring-room to the ladies of 
the famly, praps things is haltered sins the marge of hin- 
talect, and the young Jearness do talk potry. Well, for 
sevral years, during which he had been in Mrs. F. s service, 
Walker had been goin on in this manner, and it was heasy 
at once to see at the very hopening of the pease, from the 
manner of missis and man, that there was more than the 
common sewillaties of a lady and a genlman in livary goin 
on between em, and in one word that they were pashintly 
in love with each other. This won t surprize you, Rincer, 
mv boy ; and in the coarse of my expearance I might tell a 
story or two Lady Harabellar ! but Honor forbids, and 
Im mumm. 

" Several shutors come to whoo the widow ; but none, 
and no great wonder, have made an impreshn on her heart. 
One she takes as a husband on trial and he went out to 



184 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 

dinner on the very fust day of his apprentiship, and came 
home intogsicated. Another whomb she would not have, 
a Captain in the Hariny, pulls out a bill when she refuses 
him, and requests her to pay for his loss of time, and the 
clothes he has bordered in border to captiwate her. Finely 
the piece hends by the widdo proposing to William Walker, 
her servant, and marrying that pusson. 

"I don t bask whether widdos take usbands on trial. I 
do not pores to inqtiier whether Captiugs send in bills of 
costs for courtship, or igsaniming other absuddaties in this 
Conirnady. I look it purfeshnly, and I look at it gravely, 
Eincer. Hand, I can t help seeing that is dangerous to 
our border, and subwussive of domestic maralaty. 

"I say there s a Prinsple in a honist footman which 
should make him purtest and rewolt aginst such doctorings 
as these. A fatle pashn may hapn hany day to hany 
Mann ; as a chirnbly-pott may drop on his head, or a hom- 
nibus drive hover him. We can t help falling in love with 
a fine woman we are men : we are fine men praps ; ana 
praps she returns our harder. But what s the use of it? 
There can be no marridges between footmen and families 
in which they live. There s a Lor of Natur against it, 
and it should be wrote in the prayer-book for the use of 
Johns that a man may not marry his Missus If this 
kind of thing was to go on hoften, there would be an end 
to domestic life. John would be holways up in the dror- 
ing-room courting : or Miss would be for hever down in 
the pantry: you d get no whirk done. How could he 
clean his plate propply with Miss holding one of his ands 
sittin on the knife bord? It s impawsable. We may marry 
in other famlies, but not in our hown. We have each our 
spears as we have each our Bells. Theirs is the fust flor; 
hours is the basemint. A man who marris his Missis 
hingers his purfeshnal bruthering. I would cut that Man 
dedd who married his Missis. I would blackbawl him at 
the clubb. Let it oust git abroad that we do so, and 
famlies will leave off iring footmen haltogether and be 
weighted upon by maids* which the young ladies can t 



DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 185 

marry them, and I leave you to say whether the purfeshn 
isn t a good one, and whether it woodn t be a pity to 

spoil it. 

" Yours never, my dear Rincer, 

"J P." 
" To MB. RINCER, 

at the DUKE OF FITZBATTLEAXES, 

"Fitzbattleaux Castle, Flintshire." 



THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH 

REVOLUTION. 



THE 

HISTOEY OF THE NEXT FEENCH BEVOLUTION 

(FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.)* 



CHAPTER I. 

IT is seldom that the historian has to record events more 
singular than those which occurred during this year, when 
the Crown of France was battled for by no less than four 
pretenders, with equal claims, merits, bravery, and popu 
larity. First in the list we place 

His Royal Highness, Louis Antony Frederic Samuel 
Anna-Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son of Louis XVI. 
The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate 
parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that 
place of confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the 
ruffians who guarded him had caused the young Prince to 
dwindle down astonishingly) in the cocked hat of the rep 
resentative Boederer. It is well known that, in the troub 
lous, revolutionary times, cocked hats were worn of a con 
siderable size. 

He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany ; 
was confined there for thirty years in the dungeons of 
Spielberg; and, escaping thence to England, was, under 
pretence of debt, but in reality from political hatred, im 
prisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not 
be confounded with any other of the persons who laid 
claim to be children of the unfortunate victim of the first 
revolution. 

* [This "History " appeared in Punch during 1844.] 



190 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. 
In the year 1843, he held his little fugitive Court in fur 
nished lodgings, in a forgotten district of London, called 
Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France flocked 
thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant 
of the throne ; and some of the chiefs of the British nobil 
ity, among whom may be reckoned the celebrated and chiv 
alrous Duke of Jenkins, aided the adventurous young Prince 
with their counsels, their wealth, and their valour. * 

The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince 
John Thomas Napoleon a fourteenth cousin of the late 
emperor ; and said by some to be a Prince of the House of 
Gomersal. He argued justly, that, as the immediate rela 
tives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete for 
the Crown which was their right, he, Prince John Thomas, 
being next in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the 
vacant Imperial throne. And in support of his claim, he 
appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and the strength of 
his good sword. 

His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the 
illustrious wielder of the sceptre which the three above- 
named princes desired to wrest from him. It does not ap 
pear that the sagacious monarch was esteemed by his sub 
jects, as such a prince should have been esteemed. The 
light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary 
than otherwise of his sway. They were not in the least 
attached to his amiable family, for whom his Majesty with 
characteristic thrift had endeavoured to procure satisfactory 
allowances And the leading statesmen of the country, 
whom his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of enter 
taining any but feeling 3 of loyalty towards his house and 
person. 

It was against the three above-named pretenders that 
Louis Philippe (now nearly a hundred years old), a prince 
amongst sovereigns, was called upon to defend his crown. 

* [Punch invented Jenkins to personify The Morning Post. Jen 
kins was raised to the peerage and dukedom of France by the French 
king, Henry V.] 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 191 

The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a 
hundred and twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each ; 
provisioned for a considerable time, and all so constructed 
as to fire, if need were, upon the Palace of the Tuileries. 
Thus, should the mob attack it, as in August, 1792, and 
July, 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in an 
hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign 
invasion. Another defence against the foreigners was the 
state of the roads ; since the English companies had retired, 
half a mile only of railroad had been completed in France, 
and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe now are, 
to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye d 
to death before they could have marched from the Rhenish, 
the Maritime, the Alpine, or the Pyrenean frontier upon 
the capital of France. The French people, however, were 
indignant at this defect of communication in their territory, 
and said, without the least show of reason, that they would 
have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thou 
sand billions of francs which had been expended upon the 
fortifications should have been laid out in a more peaceful 
manner. However, behind his forts, the king lay secure. 

As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possi 
ble the strange events of the period, the actions, the pas 
sions of individuals, and parties engaged, we cannot better 
describe them than by referring to contemporary documents, 
of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the present 
day to read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal 
des Debats the accounts of the strange scenes which took 
place. 

The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court 
of the Tuileries had been extremely gay. The three-and- 
twenty youngest Princes of England, sons of her Majesty 
Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence. The 
Emperor of Eussia and family had paid their accustomed 
visit; and the King of the Belgians had, as usual, made 
his visit to his royal father-in-law, under pretence of duty 
and pleasure, but really to demand payment of the Queen 

of the Belgians dowry, which Louis Philippe of Orleans 
q Vol. 19 



192 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

still resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought 
that in the midst of such festivity danger was lurking rife ; 
in the midst of such quiet rebellion? 

Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it 
was to this repository that the scornful journalist consigned 
the pretender to the throne of Louis XVI. 

But on the next day, viz. Saturday the 29th Feb., the 
same journal contained a paragraph of a much more star 
tling and serious import; in which, although under a mask 
of carelessness, it was easy to see the Government alarm. 

On Friday, the 28th Feb., the Journal des Debats con 
tained a paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation 
at the Bourse, so absurd did its contents seem. It ran as 
follows : 

" ENCORE UN Louis XVII. ! A letter from Calais tells us 
that a strange personage lately landed from England (from 
Bedlam we believe) has been giving himself out to be the 
son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is the twenty- 
fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his 
father was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his 
pretensions, the poor creature is said to be pretty harmless ; 
he is accompanied by one or two old women, who declare 
they recognise in him the Dauphin ; he does not make any 
attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but waits 
until Heaven shall conduct him to it. 

If his Majesty conies to Paris, we presume he will take 
up his quarters in the palace of Charenton. 

" We have not before alluded to certain rumours which 
have been afloat (among the lowest canaille, and the vilest 
estaminets of the Metropolis), that a notorious personage 
why should we hesitate to mention the name of the Prince 
John Thomas Napoleon? has entered France with culpa 
ble intentions and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of 
this morning, however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A 
pretender is on our shores ; an armed assassin is threaten 
ing our peaceful liberties; a wandering, homeless cut- throat 
is robbing on our highways, and the punishment of his 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 193 

crime awaits him. Let no consideration of the past deter 
that just punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to 
provide for the future. Let the full powers of the law be 
brought against him, aided by the stern justice of the pub 
lic force. Let him be tracked, like a wild beast, to his lair, 
and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has, ere this, 
been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been 
distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low 
ale-houses and peasantry of the department of the Upper 
Bhine (in which he lurks) ; and the police have an easy 
means of tracking his footsteps. 

" Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of 
the unfortunate young man. His attempt will only serve 
to show the folly of Pretenders, and the love, respect, re 
gard, fidelity, admiration, reverence and passionate personal 
attachment in which we hold our beloved Sovereign." 

SECOND EDITION! CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE! 

" A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a re 
port, that after a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the 
* Imperial Army ? in a water-barrel, whither the latter had 
retreated, victory has remained with the former. A des 
perate combat ensued in the first place in a hay-loft, whence 
the Pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now 
a prisoner and we dread to think what his fate may be ! 
It will warn future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson 
which it is not likely to forget. Above all, it will set be 
yond a doubt the regard, respect, admiration, reverence and 
adoration which we all feel for our Sovereign." 

THIRD EDITION ! 

" A second courier has arrived the infatuated Crane has 
made common cause with the Prince, and for ever forfeited 
the respect of Frenchmen. A detachment of the 520th 
Leger has marched in pursuit of the Pretender and his 
dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer ! Remember that 
it is our rights you guard, our homes which you march to 



194 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

defend; our laws which are confided to the points of your 
unsullied bayonets above all, our dear, dear Sovereign, 
around whose throne you rally ! 

" Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th remem 
ber your watch ward is GEMAPPES, your countersign, 
VALMY." 



" The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family 
quitted the Tuileries this day. His Imperial Majesty em 
braced his Majesty the King of the French with tears in 
his eyes, and conferred upon their RR.HH., the Princes of 
Nemours and Joinville, the grand cross of the Order of the 
Blue Eagle." 



"His Majesty passed a review of the Police force the 
venerable monarch was received with deafening cheers by 
this admirable and disinterested body of men. Those 
cheers were echoed in all French hearts : long, long may 
our beloved Prince be among us to receive them ! 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 195 



CHAPTER II. 

HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III. 

Sunday, February 

WE resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus 
introduces a third Pretender to the throne. 

" Is this distracted country never to have peace? While 
on Friday we recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the 
great throne of France ; while on Saturday we were com 
pelled to register the culpable attempts of one whom we 
regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar, 
and common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of 
Frenchmen it is to-day our painful duty to announce a 
third invasion yes, a third invasion. The wretched, su 
perstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has landed at Nantz, 
and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount 
the white cockade. 

" Grand Dieu ! are we not happy, under the tricolour? 
Do we not repose under the majestic shadow of the best of 
kings? Is there any name prouder than that of French 
man; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign? 
Does not the whole French family adore their father? Yes. 
Our lives, our hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his dis 
posal. It was not in vain that we raised, it is not the first 
time we have rallied round, the august throne of July. 
The unhappy duke is most likely a prisoner by this time ; 
and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge 
one infamous traitor and Pretender, may at the same mo 
ment judge another. Away with both ! let the ditch of 
Vincennes (which has been already fatal to his race) receive 
his body too, and with it the corpse of the other Pretender. 
Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the 
manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged ! 

" One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins 
accompanies the descendant of Caroline of Naples an 



196 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

English Duke, entendez-vous ! an English Duke, great 
Heaven! and the princes of England still dancing in our 
royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion 
end? " 

" The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of 
police. The usual heartrending cheers accompanied the 
monarch, who looked younger than ever we saw him ay, 
as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at Valmy, 
and scattered their squadrons at Geniappes. 

" Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honour, 
were distributed to all the men. 

"The English princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty- 
three coaches and four They were not rewarded with 
crosses of the Legion of Honour. This is significant." 



" The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for 
the departments of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they 
will take the command of the troops. The Joinville regi 
ment, cavalerie de la marine, is one of the finest in the 



service. 



" Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls 
himself Duke of Brittany, and who has ( been making some 
disturbances in the Pas de Calais." 



" AXECDOTE OF His MAJESTY. At the review of troops 
(police) yesterday, His Majesty going up to one old gro- 
gnard, and pulling him by the ear, said, Wilt thou have a 
cross or another ration of wine? ; The old hero, smiling 
archly, answered, Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any 
day of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a 
drink of wine. We need not say that he had his drink, 
and the generous Sovereign sent him the cross and ribbon 
too. " 

On the next day the government journals begin to write 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 197 

in rather a despondent tone, regarding the progress of the 
Pretenders to the throne. In spite of their big talking, 
anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears from the follow 
ing remarks of the Debats : 

"The courier from the Rhine departments," says the 
Debats, " brings ns the following astounding proclamation : 

" Strasburg, xxii. Niwse : Decadi ; 92nd year 
of the Republic, one and indivisible. 

" We, John Thomas Napoleon, by^the Constitutions of 
the Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our mar 
shals, generals, officers and soldiers, greeting : 

" Soldiers ! 

" From the summit of the Pyramids, forty centuries 
look down upon you. The sun of Austerlitz has risen 
once more. The guard dies, but never surrenders. My 
eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop till 
they perch on the towers of Notre Daine. 

" Soldiers ! the child of your Father has remained long 
in exile. I have seen the fields of Europe where your 
laurels are now withering, and I have communed with the 
dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are our 
children! Where is France! Europe no longer glitters 
with the shine of its triumphant bayonets echoes no more 
with the shouts of its victorious cannon. Who could reply 
to such a question, save with a blush? And does a blush 
become the cheeks of Frenchmen? 

" No, let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark 
of shame. Come, as of old, and rally round my eagles ! 
You have been subject to fiddling prudence long enough. 
Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have 
been promised liberty, but you have had none. I will en 
dow you with the true, the real freedom. When your 
ancestors burst over the Alps, were they not free? Yes: 
free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of those in 
domitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once 
more trample over her ; march in triumph into her prostrate 
capitals, and bring her kings with her treasures at our feet. 
This is the liberty worthy of Frenchmen. 



198 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

" * Frenchmen ! I promise you that the Rhine shall be 
restored to you; and that England shall rank no more 
among the nations. I will have a marine that shall drive 
her ships from the seas ; a few of my brave regiments will 
do the rest. Henceforth, the travelleiyn that desert island 
shall ask, " Was it this wretched corner of the world that 
for a thousand years defied Frenchmen? 

" l Frenchmen, up and rally ! I^have flung my banner to 

the breezes; tis surrounded by the faithful and the brave : 

-up, and let our motto be, LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL 

OVER THE WORLD ! NAPOLEON III. 

1(1 The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT. " 

" Such is the Proclamation ! such the hopes that a brutal- 
minded and bloody adventurer holds out to our country. 
War all over the world is the cry of the savage demon ; 
and the fiends who have rallied round him echo it in con 
cert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a 
corporal s guard had been sufficient to seize upon the ma 
rauder, when the first fire would have served to conclude his 
miserable life. But, like a hideous disease, the contagion 
has spread ; the remedy must be dreadful. Woe to those 
on whom it will fall ! 

" His Koyal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral 
of France, has hastened, as we before stated, to the dis 
turbed districts, and takes with him his cavalerie de la 
marine. It is hard to think that the blades of those chiv 
alrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen ; 
but so be it ; it is those monsters who have asked for blood ; 
not we. It is those ruffians who have begun to quarrel ; 
not we. We remain calm and hopeful, reposing under the 
protection of the dearest and best of sovereigns. 

" The wretched Pretender, who called himself Duke of 
Brittany, has been seized, according to our prophecy ; he 
was brought before the Prefect of Police yesterday, and his 
insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has been con 
signed to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all in 
cendiary enemies of our Government be overcome ! 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 199 

" His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into 
the department of the Loire, where he will speedily put an 
end to the troubles in the disturbed districts of the Bocage 
and La Vendee. The foolish young Prince, who has there 
raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by a small num 
ber of wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every 
moment to receive the news. He too has issued his proc 
lamation, and our readers will smile at its contents : 

" We, Henry, Fifth of the Name, King of France and 
Navarre, to all whom it may concern, greeting : 

" After years of exile we have once more unfurled in 
France the banner of the lilies. Once more the white 
plume of Henri IV. floats in the crest of his little son ! 
{petit fils). Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses! honest 
commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the 
oriflamme of France, and summon the ban and arriere-ban 
of my kingdoms. To my faithful Bretons I need no ap 
peal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for an heir 
loom. To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided 
subjects, their father makes one last appeal. Come to me, 
my children! your errors shall be forgiven. Our holy 
Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you. He promised it 
when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed his 
inviolable toe ! 

" Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The in 
famous universities shall be abolished. Education shall no 
longer be permitted. A sacred and wholesome inquisition 
shall be established. My faithful nobles shall pay no 
more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our country 
shall be restored as they existed before 1788. Convents 
and monasteries again shall ornament our country the 
calm nurseries of saints and holy women ! Heresy shall 
be extirpated with paternal severity and our country shall 
be free once more. 

" His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has 
sent, under the command of His Royal Highness Prince 
Daniel, his Majesty s youngest son, an irresistible Irish 



200 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

Brigade, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace the 
Lion of Judah, the canonised patriarch of Tuam, blessed 
their green banner before they set forth. Henceforth may 
the lilies and the harp be ever twined together. Together 
we will make a crusade against the infidels of Albion, and 
raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our cry be 
Vive France! down with England! Montjoie St, Denis! 

" BY THE KING. 
" The Secretary of State and 



Grand Inquisitor. 
The Marshal of France. 
The General Commander-in- 

Chief of the Irish Brigade 

in the service of his Most 

Christian Majesty. 



La Roue. 

Pompadour de 1 Aile de Pigeon. 



Daniel, Prince of Ballybunion. 

" HENRI. " 



"His Majesty reviewed the admirable police force and 
held a council of ministers in the afternoon. Measures 
were concerted for the instant putting down of the disturb 
ances in the departments of the Rhine and Loire, and it is 
arranged that on the capture of the Pretenders they shall 
be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxem 
bourg ; the apartments are already prepared, and the offi 
cers at their post. 

" The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace 
to-day to the diplomatic body, has been put off ; all the 
ambassadors being attacked with illness, which compels 
them to stay at home." 



" The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various 
governments. 7 



"His Majesty, the King of Belgium, left the Palace of 
the Tuileries." 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 201 



CHAPTEK III. 

THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS HISTORICAL 

REVIEW. 

WE will now resume the narrative, and endeavour to 
compress, in a few comprehensive pages, the facts which 
are more diffusely described in the print from which we 
have quoted. 

It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the depart 
ment were of a serious nature, and that the forces gathered 
round the two Pretenders to the crown were considerable. 
They had their supporters too in Paris, as what party 
indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne 
was in a state of considerable anxiety, and found his de 
clining years by no means so comfortable as his virtues and 
great age might have warranted. 

His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought 
of the fate reserved to his children, grandchildren, and 
great-grandchildren, now sprung up round him in vast 
numbers. The king s grandson, the prince-royal, married 
to a princess of the house of Schlippen Schloppen, was the 
father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with 
pensions by the state. His brother, the Count D Eu, was 
similarly blessed with a multitudinous offspring. The 
Duke of Nemours had no children; but the Princes of 
Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Prin 
cesses Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess 
of the United States of America, erected into a monarchy 
4th July, 1856, under the Emperor Duff Green I.) were 
the happy fathers of immense families all liberally ap 
portioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely 
subservient to His Majesty Louis Philippe. 

The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having mar 
ried (in the first instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a 



202 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

daughter of His Highness Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of 
Joinville was adored by the nation, on account of his 
famous victory over the English fleet, under the command 
of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the Richard 
Cobden, of 120 guns, was taken by the Belle-Poule, frigate 
of 36, on which occasion forty-five other ships of war and 
seventy-nine steam frigates, struck their colours to about 
one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The 
victory was mainly owing to the gallantry of the celebrated 
French Horse-marines, who executed several brilliant 
charges under the orders of the intrepid Joinville; and 
though the Irish brigade, with their ordinary modesty, 
claimed the honours of the day, yet, as only three of that 
nation were present in the action, impartial history must 
award the palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul. 

With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the 
solicitude of the admirable King may be conceived lest a 
revolution should ensue, and fling them on the world once 
more. How could he support so numerous a family? Con 
siderable as his wealth was (for he was known to have 
amassed about a hundred and thirteen billions, which were 
lying in the caves of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was 
quite insignificant when divided among his progeny and, 
besides, he naturally preferred getting from the nation as 
much as his faithful people could possibly afford. 

Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, 
well applied, is often more efficacious than the conqueror s 
sword, the King s ministers were anxious that he should 
devote a part of his savings to the carrying on of the war. 
But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined 
this offer ; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his 
faithful people, who, he was sure, would meet, as became 
them, the coming exigency. The Chambers met his appeal 
with their usual devotion. At a solemn convocation of 
those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by his fam 
ily, explained the circumstances and the danger. His Maj 
esty, his family, his Ministers, and the two Chambers, then 
burst into tears, according to immemorial usage, and rais- 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 203 

ing their hands to the ceiling, swore eternal fidelity to the 
dynasty and to France, and embraced each other affeetingly 
all round. 

It need not be said that in the course of that evening, 
two hundred deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the 
Prince John Thomas Napoleon, who was now advanced as 
far as Dijon two hundred and fifty-three (of the Right, 
the centre, and round the corner), similarly quitted the 
Capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux they 
were followed, according to their several political predilec 
tions, by the various Ministers and dignitaries of state. 
The only Minister who remained in Paris was Marshal 
Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had defeated the English 
in the very field where they had obtained formerly a suc 
cess, though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish 
brigade); but age had ruined the health, and diminished 
the immense strength of that gigantic leader, and it is said 
his only reason for remaining in Paris was because a fit of 
the gout kept him in bed. 

The Capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and 
cafes were open as usual, and the masked balls attended 
with great enthusiasm confiding in their hundred and 
twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing to 
fear. 

Except in the way of money, the king left nothing un 
done to conciliate his people. He even went among them 
with his umbrella, but they were little touched with that 
mark of confidence. He shook hands with everybody ; he 
distributed crosses of the legion of honour in such multi 
tudes, that red ribband rose two hundred per cent in the 
market (by which his Majesty, who speculated in the article, 
cleared a tolerable sum of money). But these blandish 
ments and honours had little effect upon an apathetic peo 
ple ; and the enemy of the Orleans Dynasty, the fashionable 
young nobles of the Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves per 
petually, for fear (they said) they should be obliged to shake 
hands with the best of kings ; while the Republicans 
adopted coats without button-holes, lest they should be 



-204 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

forced to hang red ribbons in them. The funds did not 
fluctuate in the least. 

The proclamation of the several pretenders had had their 
effect. The young men of the schools and the estaminets 
(celebrated places of public education), allured by the noble 
words of Prince Napoleon, " Liberty, equality, war all over 
the world ! " flocked to his standard in considerable numbers ; 
while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer their alle 
giance to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis. 

And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry 
than that collected round the gallant Prince Henry ! There 
was not a man in his army but had lacquered boots and 
fresh white kid gloves at morning and evening parade. 
The fantastic and effeminate, but brave and faithful troops, 
were numbered off into different legions there was the 
Fleur d Orange regiment; the Eau de Rose battalion; the 
Violet-pomatum Volunteers ; the Eau de Cologne cavalry 
according to the different scents which they affected. Most 
of the warriors wore lace ruffles ; all powder and pig-tails, 
as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy dragoons 
under the command of Count Alfred de Horsay, made 
themselves conspicuous for their discipline, cruelty, and 
the admirable cut of their coats ; and with these celebrated 
horsemen came from England the illustrious Duke of Jen 
kins with his superb footmen. They were all six feet 
high. They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers. 
They wore bags, their hair slightly powdered, brilliant 
shoulder-knots, and cocked hats laced with gold. They 
wore the tight knee-pantaloon of velveteen, peculiar to this 
portion of the British infantry; and their legs were so 
superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux embracing with tears 
their admirable leader on parade, said, "Jenkins, France 
never saw such calves until now." The weapon of this tre 
mendous militia was an immense club or cane, reaching 
from the sole of the foot to the nose, and heavily mounted 
with gold. Nothing could stand before this terrific weapon , 
and the breastplates and plumed morions of the French 
Cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 205 

them, had they ever met in mortal combat. Between this 
part of the Prince s forces and the Irish auxiliaries there was 
a deadly animosity. Alas, there always is such in camps ! 
The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the 
children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway. 

The uniform of the latter was various the rich stuff 
called corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur-de-Lion at Agincourt) 
formed their lower habiliments for the most part : the na 
tional frieze * yielded them tail coats. The latter were 
generally torn in a fantastic manner at the elbows, skirts 
and collars, and fastened with every variety of button, 
tape and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the 
alpeen, and the doodeen, of the country the latter a short 
but dreadful weapon of offence. At the demise of the 
venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had laid aside its 
habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened 
their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit. 
Thus do men ever return to the haunts of their childhood, 
such a power has fond memory over us ! The leaders of 
this host seem to have been, however, an effeminate race ; 
they are represented by contemporary historians as being 
passionately fond of flying kites. Others say they went 
into battle armed with "bills," no doubt rude weapons; 
for it is stated that foreigners could never be got to accept 
them in lieu of their own arms. The Princes of Mayo, 
Sligo, and Connemara, marched by the side of their young 
and royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son 
of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald Isle. 

Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded 
by the republican imperialists, the other under the antique 
French Lilies, were marching on the French capital. The 
Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the Lunatic Asylum of 
Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his cap 
tivity which caused only derision in the capital. Such was 
the state of the empire, and such the clouds that were gath 
ering round the Sun of Orleans ! 

* Were these in any way related to the chevaua de frise, on which 
the French cavalry were mounted? 



206 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 



CHAPTER IV. 

THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS. 

IT was not the first time that the king had had to 
undergo misfortunes ; and now, as then, he met them like 
a man. The Prince of Joinville was not successful in his 
campaign against the Imperial Pretender j and that bravery 
which had put the British fleets to flight, was found, as 
might be expected, insufficient against the irresistible cour 
age of native Frenchmen. The Horse-Marines, not being 
on their own element, could not act with their usual effect. 
Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling seas, they were 
easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne 
country. 

It was literally in the Champagne country that the meet 
ing between the troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon 
took place; for both armies had reached Kheims, and a 
terrific battle was fought underneath the walls. For some 
time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville, en 
trenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs. Euinart, 
Moet, and others ; but making too free with the fascinat 
ing liquor, the army at length became entirely drunk ; on 
which the Imperialists, rushing into the cellars, had an 
easy victory over them ; and, this done, proceeded to in 
toxicate themselves likewise. 

The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, 
was compelled with a few faithful followers to fly towards 
Paris, and Prince Napoleon remained master of the field 
of battle. It is needless to recapitulate the bulletin which 
he published the day after the occasion, so soon as he and 
his secretaries were in a condition to write. Eagles, pyra 
mids, rainbows, the Sun of Austerlitz, etc., figured in the 
proclamation, in close imitation of his illustrious uncle. 
But the great benefit of the action was this : on arousing 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 207 

from their intoxication, the late soldiers of Joinville kissed 
and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army, and 
made common cause with them. 

" Soldiers ! said the Prince, on reviewing them the sec 
ond day after the action. "The Cock is a gallant bird; 
but he makes way for the Eagle ! your colours are not 
changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow yours on 
the ramparts of Constantine ; both are glorious. Soldiers 
of Joinville ! we give you welcome, as we would welcome 
your illustrious leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion. 
Let him join us! We will march together against that 
perfidious enemy! 

" But, Soldiers ! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yes 
terday s glorious day! Let us drink no more of the fasci 
nating liquors of our native Champagne. Let us remember 
Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge into dissipa 
tion, that we have Kome still to conquer! 

" Soldiers ! Seltzer water is good after too much drink. 
Wait a while, and your Emperor will lead you into a 
Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it lies BEYOND THE 
RHINE! 

Deafening shouts of " Vive VEmpereur ! " saluted this 
allusion of the Prince, and the army knew that their nat 
ural boundary should be restored to them. The compli 
ments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville likewise 
won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince s 
cause. The Journal des Debats did not know which way 
to turn. In one paragraph it called the Emperor " a san 
guinary tyrant, murderer and pickpocket " ; in a second it 
owned he was " a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of for 
giveness " ; and, after proclaiming " the brilliant victory 
of the Prince of Joinville," presently denominated it a 
funeste journee. 

The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, 
was about to march on Paris, when Messrs. Euinart and 
Moe t were presented, and requested to be paid for 300,000 
bottles of wine. " Send three hundred thousand more to 
the Tuileries, " said the Prince, sternly ; " our soldiers will 



208 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

be thirsty when they reach Paris ; and taking Moe t with 
him as a hostage, and promising Ruinart that he would 
have him shot unless he obeyed with trumpets playing 
and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial army 
marched on their triumphant way. 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 209 



CHAPTER V. 

THE BATTLE OF TOURS. 

WE have now to record the expedition of the Prince of 
Nemours against his advancing cousin, Henry V. His 
Royal Highness could not march against the enemy with 
such a force as he would have desired to bring against 
them, for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast 
amount of property he had stowed away under the Tui- 
leries, refused to allow a single soldier to quit the forts 
round the Capital, which thus was defended by one hun 
dred and forty-four thousand guns (eighty-four pounders), 
and four hundred and thirty-two thousand men : little 
enough, when one considers that there were but three men 
to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a popula 
tion of double the amount within the walls, his Majesty 
caused the country to be scoured for fifty miles round, and 
left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass. When ap 
pealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered district, the 
Eoyal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart 
bled for them that they were his children that every cow 
taken from the meanest peasant was like a limb torn from 
his own body ; but that duty must be done, that the inter 
ests of the country demanded the sacrifice, and that in fact 
they might go to the deuce this the unfortunate creatures 
certainly did. 

The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The 
Journal des Debats stated every day that the Pretenders 
were taken; the Chambers sat such as remained, and 
talked immensely about honour, dignity, and the glorious 
revolution of July ; and the King, as his power was now 
pretty nigh absolute over them, thought this a good oppor 
tunity to bring in a Bill for doubling his children s allow 
ances all round. 



210 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march ; 
and as there was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris 
wherewith to support his famished troops, it may be im 
agined that he was forced to ransack the next fifty miles 
in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops 
were not such as they should have been, considering the 
enemy with whom they had to engage. 

The fact is, that most of the Duke s army consisted of 
the National Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at 
the cry of " La patrie en danger having been induced to 
volunteer, had been eagerly accepted by his Majesty, 
anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of food- 
consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that 
he selected the most gormandising battalions of the civic 
force to send forth against the enemy; viz., the grocers, 
the rich bankers, the lawyers, etc. Their parting with 
their families was very affecting. They would have been 
very willing to recall their offer of marching, but com 
panies of stern veterans closing round them, marched them 
to the city gates, which were closed upon them ; and thus 
perforce they were compelled to move on. As long as he 
had a bottle of brandy and a couple of sausages in his 
holsters, the general of the National Guard, Odillon 
Barrot, talked with tremendous courage. Such was the 
power of his eloquence over the troops, that, could he have 
come up with the enemy while his victuals lasted, the issue 
of the combat might have been very different. But in the 
course of the first day s march he finished both the sau 
sages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent, and 
crest-fallen. 

It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of 
silver Loire, that the armies sate down before each other, 
and the battle was to take place which had such an effect 
upon the fortunes of France. Twas a brisk day of March ; 
the practised valour of Nernours showed him at once what 
use to make of the army under his orders, and having 
enfiladed his National Guard battalions, and placed his 
artillery in echelons, he formed his cavalry into hollow 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 211 

squares on the right and left of his line, flinging out a 
cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the main column. 
His veteran infantry he formed behind his National Guard 
politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who wished to retire 
under pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that the regu 
lar troops would bayonet the National Guard if they gave 
way an inch on which their general turning very pale, de 
murely went back to his post. His men were dreadfully 
discouraged ; they had slept on. the ground all night ; they 
regretted their homes and their comfortable night-caps in 
the Rue St. Honore; they had luckily fallen in with a 
flock of sheep and a drove of oxen at Tours the day before ; 
but what were these, compared to the delicacies of Che vet s 
or three courses at Ye four s? They mournfully cooked 
their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a 
most wretched night. 

The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them, for 
the most part in better order. The noble cavalry regiments 
found a village, in which they made themselves pretty 
comfortable, Jenkins s Foot taking possession of the kitch 
ens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish brigade, ac 
customed to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato 
fields, where they sang Moore s melodies all night. There 
were, besides, the troops regular and irregular, about three 
thousand priests and abbes with the army; armed with 
scourging whips, and chanting the most lugubrious can 
ticles; these reverend men were found to be a hin 
drance than otherwise to the operations of the regular 
forces. 

It was a touching sight, in the morning before the battle, 
to see the alacrity with which Jenkins s regiment sprung 
up at the first reveille of the bell, and engaged (the hon 
est fellows !) in offices almost menial for the benefit of their 
French allies. The duke himself set the example, and 
blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half -past ten, 
after coffee, the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were 
ready; their clarions rung to horse, their banners were 
given to the wind, their shirt-collars were exquisitely 



212 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

starched, and the whole air was scented with the odours of 
their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs. 

Jenkins had the honour of holding the stirrup for Henri. 
" My faithful duke ! said the prince, pulling him by the 
shoulder-knot, "thou art always at thy Post." "Here, as 
in Wellington Street, sire," said the hero, blushing and 
the prince made an appropriate speech to his chivalry, in 
which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard, and 
Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not spared. 
"Ho! standard-bearer! J the prince concluded, "Fling out 
my oriflamme. Noble gents of France, your King is 
among you to-day ! 

Then, turning to the Prince of Bally bunion, who had 
been drinking whisky-punch all night, with the Princes of 
Sligo and Connemara, "Prince," he said, "the Irish bri 
gade has won every battle in the French history we will 
not deprive you of the honour of winning this. You will 
please to commence the attack with your brigade." Bend 
ing his head until the green plumes of his beaver mingled 
with the mane of the Shetland pony which he rode, the 
Prince of Ireland trotted off with his aides-de-camp, who 
rode the same horse, a powerful grey, with which a dealer 
at Nantes had supplied them on their and the prince s 
joint bill at three months. 

The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last 
minute in their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the 
summons of their beloved prince. Their toilet was the 
work of a moment a single shake and it was done. 
Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their 
generals, who, turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely 
determined to fight on foot. Behind them came the line of 
British foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in 
advance perfectly collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar. 
The cavalry were on the right and left of the infantry, 
prepared to act in pontoon, in echelon, or in ricochet, as 
occasion might demand. The prince rode behind, sup 
ported by his staff, who were almost all of them bishops, 
archdeacons, or abbes, and the body of ecclesiastics fol- 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 213 

lowed, singing to the sound, or rather howl, of serpents 
and trombones, the Latin canticles of the revered Francis- 
cus O Mahouy, lately canonised under the name of Saint 
Francis of Cork. 

The advanced lines of the two contending armies were 
now in presence the national guard of Orleans, and the 
Irish brigade. The white belts and fat paunches of the 
guard presented a terrific appearance, but it might have 
been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were 
as white as their belts and the long line of their bayonets 
might be seen to quiver. General Odillon Barrot, with a 
cockade as large as a pancake, endeavoured to make a 
speech the words, honneur, patrie, Fran$ais, champ-de- 
lataille, might be distinguished, but the general was dread 
fully flustered,, and was evidently more at home in the 
Chamber of Deputies than in the field of war. 

The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make 
a speech. "Boys," said he, "we ve enough talking at 
the Corn Exchange; bating s the word now." The Green- 
Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo which sent ter 
ror into the fat bosoms of the French. 

"Gentlemen of the National Guard," said the prince, 
taking off his hat, and bowing to Odillon Barrot, " will ye 
be so igsthrarnely obleeging as to fire first." This he said 
because it had been said at Fonterioy, but chiefly because 
his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and there 
fore could not fire. 

But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National 
Guardsmen ; for though they understood the musket-exer 
cise pretty well, firing was the thing of all others they de 
tested, the noise and the kick of the gun and the smell of 
the powder being very unpleasant to them. "We won t 
fire," said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Sau- 
grenue and his regiment of the line which, it may be re 
membered, was formed behind the National Guard. 

"Then give them bayonet," said the colonel with a ter 
rific oath. " Charge, corbleu f 

At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that 



214 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

ever was heard, the National Guard was seen to rush for 
wards wildly, and with immense velocity towards the foe. 
The fact is, that the line-regiment behind them, each 
selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between 
the coat tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded 
forwards with an irresistible swiftness. 

Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that 
manoeuvre. The Irish brigade was scattered before it, as 
chaff before the wind. The Prince of Ballybunion had 
barely time to run Odillon Barrot through the body, when 
he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered 
tuniultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping. 
The Princes of Donegal and Connemara were taken pris 
oners, but though they offered to give bills at three 
months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their 
ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the 
rear when the Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish 
generals, and that they had been robbed of their ready 
money by his troops, who had taken them prisoners, caused 
a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and lent 
them each a sum of money. How generous are men in 
success! the Prince of Orleans was charmed with the con 
duct of his National Guards, and thought his victory 
secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with the brief 
words, " We met the enemy before Tours. The National 
Guard has done its duty. The troops of the Pretender 
are routed. Vive le Roi ! The note, you may be sure, 
appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the Editor who 
only that morning had called Henri V. " a great Prince, an 
august exile," denominated him instantly a murderer, slave, 
thief, cut-throat, pickpocket, and burglar. 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 215 



CHAPTER VI. 

THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS. 

BUT the prince had not calculated that there was a line 
of British Infantry behind the routed Irish brigade. Borne 
on with the hurry of the melee, flushed with triumph, 
puffing and blowing with running, and forgetting, in the 
intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks which 
had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National 
Guardsmen found themselves suddenly in presence of Jen 
kins s Foot. 

They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep. 

" Up, Foot, and at them ! : were the memorable words 
of the Duke Jenkins, as, waving his baton, he pointed 
towards the enemy, and with a tremendous shout the stal 
wart sons of England rushed on ! Down went plume and 
cocked hat, down went corporal and captain, down went 
grocer and tailor, under the long staves of the indomitable 
English Footmen. " A Jenkins ! a Jenkins ! roared the 
Duke, planting a blow which broke the aquiline nose of 
Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. " St. George for 
Mayf air ! ? shouted his followers, strewing the plain with 
carcases. Not a man of the Guard escaped; they fell like 
grass before the mower. 

" They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais," 
said the Duke of Nemours, surveying them with his opera- 
glass; " tis a pity they will all be cut up in half an hour. 
Concombre ! take your dragoons, and do it ! " Kernein- 
ber Waterloo, boys ! said Colonel Concornbre, twirling 
his moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun, 
and the gallant hussars prepared to attack the English 
men. 

Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and sur 
veying the havoc of the field, was instantly aware of the 

10 Vol. 19 



216 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

enemy s manoeuvre. His people were employed rifling the 
pockets of the National Guard, and had made a tolerable 
booty when the great duke, taking a bell out of his pocket 
(it was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife 
or bugle) speedily called his scattered warriors together. 
"Take the muskets to the Nationals," said he. They did 
so. "Form in square, and prepare to receive cavalry ! r 
By the time Concombre s regiment arrived, he found a 
square of bristling bayonets with Britons behind them ! 

The colonel did not care to attempt to break that tre 
mendous body. " Halt ! said he to his men. 

" Fire ! screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness ; but 
the guns of the National Guard not being loaded did not 
in consequence go off. The hussars gave a jeer of derision, 
but nevertheless did not return to the attack, and seeing 
some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to charge 
upon them. 

The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. 
The Millefleur regiment broke before Concombre s hussars 
instantaneously; the Eau de Rose dragoons stuck spurs 
into their blood horses, and galloped far out of reach of 
the opposing cavalry ; the Eau de Cologne lancers fainted 
to a man, and the regiment of Concornbre, pursuing its 
course, had actually reached the prince and his aides-de 
camp, when the clergymen coming up formed gallantly 
round the oriflainme, and the bassoons and serpents bray 
ing again, set up such a shout of canticles, and anathemas, 
and excommunications, that the horses of Concombre s 
dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in their 
turn broke and fled. As soon as they turned, the Vendean 
riflemen fired amongst them, and finished them the gal 
lant Concombre fell ; the intrepid though diminutive Cor- 
nichon, his major, was cut down ; Cardon was wounded a 
la moelle, and the wife of the fiery Navet was that day a 
widow. Peace to the souls of the brave ! In defeat or in 
victory, where can the soldier find a more fitting resting- 
place than the glorious field of carnage? Only a few 
disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre s regi- 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 217 

ment reached Tours at night. They had left it, but 
the day before, a thousand disciplined and high-spirited 
men! 

Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in 
British hands, the intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on 
his advantage and charged the Saugrenue Light Infantry 
(now before him) with cold steel. The Frenchmen deliv 
ered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins s 
cockade, but did not abide the crossing of the weapons. 
"A Frenchman dies, but never surrenders," said Sau 
grenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole regiment 
were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoner. The 
blood of the Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their 
curses were horrible; their courage tremendous. "On, 
on ! hoarsely screamed they, and a second regiment met 
them and was crushed, pounded, in the hurtling grinding 
encounter. " A Jenkins, a Jenkins ! still roared the 
heroic duke ; " St. George for Mayf air ! The Footmen of 
England still yelled their terrific battle-cry, "Hurra, 
hurra ! : On they went, regiment after regiment was anni 
hilated, until scared at the very trample of the advancing 
warriors, the dismayed troops of France screaming, fled. 
Gathering his last warriors round about him, Nemours de 
termined to make a last desperate effort. Twas vain ; the 
ranks met ; the next moment the truncheon of the Prince 
of Orleans was dashed from his hand by the irresistible 
mace of the Duke Jenkins; his horse s shins were broken 
by the same weapon. Screaming with agony, the animal 
fell. Jenkins s hand was at the duke s collar in a mo 
ment, and had he not gasped out " Je me rends," he would 
have been throttled in that dreadful grasp ! 

Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine 
regiments, their baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, 
fell into the hands of the victorious duke. He had avenged 
the honour of Old England, and himself presenting the 
sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who 
now came up, the prince, bursting into tears, fell on his 
neck, and said, " Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint 



218 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

and you." It was indeed a glorious victory, but what will 
not British valour attain? 

The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note 
to Paris, saying, "Sire, all is lost except honour! was 
sent off in confinement, and, in spite of the entreaties of 
his captor, was hardly treated with decent politeness. 
The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when 
the affair was over were for having the Prince shot at once, 
and murmured loudly against " cet Anglais brutal," who 
interposed in behalf of his prisoner. Henri V. granted 
the Prince his life, but, no doubt misguided by the advice 
of his noble and ecclesiastical councillors, treated the illus 
trious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not 
even ask him to supper that night. 

" Well ! said Jenkins, " I and my merry men can sup 
alone : and, indeed having had the pick of the plunder of 
about 28,000 men, they had wherewithal to make them 
selves pretty comfortable. The prisoners (25,403) were 
all without difficulty induced to assume the white cockade. 
Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in 
their flannel waistcoats, where they swore they had worn 
them ever since 1830. This we may believe, an we will ; 
but the Prince Henri was too politic or too good-humoured 
in the moment of victory to doubt the sincerity of his new 
subjects protestations, and received the Colonels and Gen 
erals affably at his table. 

The next morning a proclamation was issued to the 
united armies : 

"Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre," said the 
Prince, " the Saints have won for us a great victory the 
enemies of our religion have been overcome the lilies are 
restored to their native soil. Yesterday morning at eleven 
o clock the army under my command engaged that which 
was led by his Serene Highness the Duke de Nemours. 
Our forces were but a third in number when compared 
with those of the enemy. My faithful chivalry and nobles 
made the strength, however, equal. 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 219 

"The regiments of Fleur d Orange, Millefleur, and Eau 
de Cologne, covered themselves with glory they sabred 
many thousands of the enemy s troops. Their valour was 
ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical friends ; 
at a moment of danger they rallied round rny banner, and, 
forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that they were 
of the church militant indeed. 

" My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with 
becoming heroism but why particularize when all did 
their duty? How remember individual acts when all were 
heroes? ? 

The Marshal of France, Sucre d Orgeville, Commander 
of the army of H.M. Christian Majesty, recommended 
about three thousand persons for promotion, and the in 
dignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be 
imagined when it is stated that they were not even men 
tioned in the despatch ! 

As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Conne- 
mara, they wrote off despatches to their government, say 
ing, " The Duke of Nemours is beaten, and a prisoner ! ? 
" The Irish brigade has done it all ! " on which His Majesty 
the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the 
Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which 
he called Louis Philippe an "old miscreant," and paid the 
highest compliments to his son and his troops. The King 
on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan, Sir Gavan 
Duffy (whose journals had published the news), and was 
so delighted with the valour of his son, that he despatched 
him his Order of the Pig and Whistle (1st class) and a 
munificent present of five hundred thousand pounds in a 
bill at three months. All Dublin was illuminated ; and at 
a ball at the Castle, the Lord Chancellor Smith (Earl of 
Smithereens), getting extremely intoxicated, called out the 
Lord Bishop of Galway (the Dove) and they fought in the 
Phoenix Park. Having shot the Right Reverend Bishop 
through the body, Smithereens apologized. He was the 
same practitioner who had rendered himself so celebrated 



220 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

in the memorable trial of the King before the Act of In 
dependence. 

Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with 
rapid strides towards Paris, whither the History likewise 
must hasten ; for extraordinary were the events preparing 
in that capital. 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 221 



CHAPTER VII. 

THE LEAGUER OF PARIS. 

BY a singular coincidence, on the very same day, when 
the armies of Henri V. appeared before Paris from the 
Western Eoad, those of the Emperor John Thomas Napo 
leon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place be 
tween the advanced guards of the two parties, and much 
slaughter ensued. 

"Bon!* thought King Louis Philippe, who examined 
them from his tower ; " they will kill each other ; this is 
by far the most economical way of getting rid of them." 
The astute monarch s calculations were admirably exposed 
by a clever remark of the Prince of Bally bunion. " Faix, 
Harry," says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious 
son of Saint Louis resented), "you and him yandther, the 
Emperor I mane, are like the Kilkenny cats, dear." 

" j&Y que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince 
de Ballybunion ? asked the most Christian King haughtily. 

Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known 
apologue of the animals, " ating each other all up but their 
teelsj and that s what you and Imparial Pop yondther will 
do, blazing away as ye are," added the jocose and royal 
boy. 

" Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres 
affaires," answered Prince Henri sternly, for he was an. 
enemy to anything like a joke; but there is always wis 
dom in real wit, and it would have been well for His Most 
Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious counsels of 
his Irish ally. 

The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with 
the garrisons of some of the forts, and expected all would 
declare for him. However, of the twenty-four forts which 
we have described, eight only, and by the means of Mar- 



222 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

shal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late years, 
declared for Henri, and raised the white flag ; while eight 
others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon before them 
in the costume of his revered predecessor, at once flung 
open their gates to him, and mounted the tricolour with 
the eagle ; the remaining eight, into which the Princes of 
the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained 
constant to Louis Philippe, Nothing could induce that 
Prince to quit the Tuileries. His money was there, and 
he swore he would remain by it. In vain his sons offered 
to bring him into one of the forts, he would not stir with 
out his treasure ; they said they would transport it thither ; 
but no, no ; the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to 
his aged nose, and winking archly, said, " he knew a trick 
worth two of that," and resolved to abide by his bags. 

The theatres and cafes remained open as usual ; the funds 
rose three centimes. The Journal des Debats published 
three editions of different tones of politics ; one, the Jour 
nal de V Empire , for the Napoleonites ; the Journal de la, 
Legitimite, another very complimentary to the legitimate 
monarch, and finally, the original edition bound heart and 
soul to the dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had 
to write all three, complained not a little that his salary 
was not raised; but the truth is, that, by altering the 
names, one article did indifferently for either paper. The 
Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was al 
ways issuing manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the 
Parisians took little heed the Charivari proclaimed itself 
his gazette, and was allowed to be very witty at the ex 
pense of the three Pretenders. 

As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles 
round, the respective Princes of course were for throwing 
. themselves into the forts, where there was plenty of pro 
vision, and when once there, they speedily began to turn 
out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to them, or 
had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity. 
These poor fellows, turned into the road, had no choice 
but starvation j as to getting into Paris, that was impossi- 



HISTORY OP THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 223 

ble. A mouse could not have got into the place, so ad 
mirably were the forts guarded, without having his head 
taken off by a cannon ball. Thus the three conflicting 
parties stood close to each other, hating each other, " will 
ing to wound and yet afraid to strike," the victuals in 
the forts, from the prodigious increase of the garrisons, 
getting smaller every day. As for Louis Philippe in his 
palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing that 
a spark from one might set them, all blazing away, and that 
he and his money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten 
minutes, you may fancy his situation was not very com 
fortable. 

But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperi 
alists nor the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the 
two hundred and fifty billions in gold; nor would the 
Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon that considerable sum 
of money, and its possessor, their revered father. How 
was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note 
to His Most Christian Majesty (for they always styled each 
other in this manner in their communications), proposing 
that they should turn out and decide the quarrel sword in 
hand, to which proposition Henri would have acceded, but 
that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to ex 
communicate him should he do so. Hence this simple way 
of settling the dispute was impossible. 

The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable 
annoyance in the forts. Especially the poor English, as 
Protestants, were subject to much petty persecutions, to 
the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander. And it 
must be confessed that these intrepid footmen were not so 
amenable to discipline as they might have been. Kernem- 
bering the usages of merry England, they clubbed together, 
and swore they would have four meals of meat a day, wax 
candles in the casemates, and their porter. These demands 
were laughed at. The priests even called upon them to 
fast on Fridays, on which a general mutiny broke out in 
the regiment ; and they would have had a fourth standard 
raised before Paris viz. that of England but the garrison 



224 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

proving too strong for them, they were compelled to lay 
down their sticks ; and, in consideration of past services, 
were permitted to leave the forts. Twas well for them! 
as you shall hear. 

The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were 
quartered in the fort which, in compliment to them, was 
called Fort Potato, and where they made themselves as 
comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes 
had as much brandy as they liked, and passed their time 
on the ramparts playing at dice or pitch and toss (with the 
halfpenny that one of them somehow had) for vast sums of 
money, for which they gave their notes of hand. The 
warriors of their legion would stand round delighted ; and 
it was "Musha, Masther Dan, but that s a good throw!" 
" Good luck to you, Misther Pat, and throw thirteen this 
time ! * and so forth. But this sort of inaction could not 
last long. They had heard of the treasures amassed in the 
Palace of the Tuileries ; they sighed when they thought of 
the lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country. 
They panted for war ! {They formed their plan. 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 225 



CHAPTER VIII. 

THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS. 

ON the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Maj 
esty Louis Philippe was at breakfast, reading the Debats 
newspaper, and wishing that what the journal said about, 
" Cholera Morbus in the Canip of the Pretender Henri " 
"Chicken-pox raging in the forts of the Traitor Bona 
parte," -might be true, what was his surprise to hear the 
report of a gun ; and at the same instant whizz ! came an. 
eighty-four pound ball through the window, and took off 
the head of the faithful Monsieur de Montalivet, who was 
coming in with a plate of muffins. 

"Three francs for the window," said the monarch; "and 
the muffins of course spoiled ;" and he sate down to break 
fast very peevishly. Ah, King Louis Philippe, that shot 
cost thee more than a window-pane more than a plate of 
muffins it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty millions of 
tax-payers. 

The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. " Gracious 
Heavens ! said the commander of the place to the Irish 
prince, in a fury. " What has your Highness done? 
"Faix," replied the other, "Donegal and I saw a spar 
row on the Tuileries, and we thought we d have a shot afc 
it, that s all." "Horroo! look out for squalls," here cried 
the intrepid Hibernian, for at this moment one of Paix- 
hans shells fell into the counterscarp of the demilune on 
which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple 
of embrasures flying about their ears. 

Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, 
seeing Fort Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the 
Tuileries, instantly replied by its guns, with which it 
blazed away at the Bourbonite Fort. On seeing this, Fort 
Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummel- 



226 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

ling Twenty -three ; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two ; and 
in a quarter of an hour the whole of this vast line of forti 
fication was in a blaze of flame, flashing, roaring, cannon 
ading, rocketing, bombing, in the most tremendous man 
ner. The world has never, perhaps, before or since, heard 
such an uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thun 
dering at each other. Fancy the sky red with the fires of 
hundreds of thousands of blazing, brazen meteors ; the air 
thick with impenetrable smoke the universe almost in a 
flame ! for the noise of the cannonading was heard on the 
peaks of the Andes, and broke three windows in the English 
factory at Canton. Boom, boom, boom! for three days in 
cessantly the gigantic, I may say Cyclopean, battle went on ; 
boom, boom, bong ! The air was thick with cannon balls ; 
they hurled, they jostled each other in the heavens, and fell 
whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into the very forts from 
which they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong, brrwrrwrrr! 

On the second day a band might have been seen (had the 
smoke permitted it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort 
Potato, and have been heard (if the tremendous clang of 
the cannonading had allowed it) giving mysterious signs 
and countersigns. "Tom" was the word whispered, 
" Steele ; was the sibilated response (it is astonishing 
how, in the roar of elements, the human whisper hisses 
above all!) it was the Irish brigades assembling. "Now 
or never, boys," said their leaders, and sticking their 
doodeens into their mouths, they dropped stealthily into 
the trenches, heedless of the broken glass and sword- 
blades; rose from those trenches; formed in silent order; 
and marched to Paris. They knew they could arrive there 
unobserved nobody, indeed, remarked their absence. 

The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing 
themselves at their theatres and cafes as usual ; and a new 
piece, in which Arnal performed, was the universal talk of 
the foyers; while a new feuilleton, by Monsieur Eugene 
Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated to the 
journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme 
without the walls. 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 227 



CHAPTER IX. 

LOUIS XVII. 

THE tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular 
effect upon the inhabitants of the great public hospital of 
Charenton, in which it may be remembered Louis XVII. 
had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty of de 
meanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his 
pretensions, had not failed to strike with awe and respect 
his four thousand comrades of captivity. The Emperor of 
China, the Princess of the Moon; Julius Caesar; Saint 
Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome; 
the Cacique of Mexico ; and several singular and illustrious 
personages, who happened to be confined there, all held a 
council with Louis XVII., and all agreed that now or 
never was the time to support his legitimate pretensions to 
the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around 
them, they howled with furious delight in response they 
took counsel together Doctor Pinel and the infamous 
jailers who, under the name of keepers, held them in hor 
rible captivity, were pounced upon and overcome in a 
twinkling. The strait-waistcoats were taken off from the 
wretched captives languishing in the dungeons ; the guar 
dians were invested in these shameful garments, and with 
triumphant laughter plunged under the douches. The 
gates of the prison were flung open, and they marched 
forth in the blackness of the storm ! 

....... 

On the third day the cannonading was observed to de 
crease ; only a gun went off fitfully now and then 

!. 

On the fourth day the Parisians said to one another, 
* Tiens ! ils sont fatigues, les cannoniers des forts ! " and 



228 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

why? Because there was no more powder? Ay, truly, 
there was no more powder. 

There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gun 
ners, no more forts, no more nothing. The forts had blown 
each other up. The battle-roar ceased. The battle-clouds 
rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling stars, looked 
blandly down from the serene azure, and all was peace 
stillness the stillness of death. Holy, holy silence ! 

Yes, the battle of Paris was over. And where were the 
combatants? All gone not one left! And where was 
Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince was a captive in 
the Tuileries. The Irish brigade was encamped around it. 
They had reached the palace a little too late ; it was al 
ready occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII. 

That respectable monarch and his followers better knew 
the way to the Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. 
They burst through the feeble barriers of the guards ; they 
rushed triumphant into the kingly halls of the palace; 
they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his an 
cestors ; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats 
of the fifth of November, an important article, which pro 
claimed that the civil war was concluded : 

" The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in 
the world are at an end. Europe, which marked with sor 
row the disturbances which agitated the bosom of the 
Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilisation, may now 
rest *in peace. That monarch whom we have long been 
sighing for; whose image has lain hidden, and yet, oh! 
how passionately worshipped in every French heart, is with 
us once more. Blessings be on him ; blessings a thousand 
blessings upon the happy country which is at length re 
stored to his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable 
sway! 

"His Most Christian Majesty, Louis XVII., yesterday 
arrived at his palace of the Tuileries, accompanied by his 
august allies. His Eoyal Highness the Duke of Orleans 
has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the king- 



HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 229 

dom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the 
Palais Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his 
Royal Highness, who happened to be in the late forts 
round Paris (before the bombardment which has so happily 
ended in their destruction), had returned to their father 
before the commencement of the cannonading. They will 
continue, as heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of 
order and the throne. 

" None can read without tears in their eyes our august 
monarch s proclamation. 

" * Louis, by etc. 

" My children. After nine hundred and ninety-nine 
years of captivity, I am restored to you. The cycle of 
events predicted by the ancient magi, and the planetary 
convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books, have 
fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as al 
ways in the depths of my dungeons I confidently expected) 
in the triumph of the good angel, and the utter discomfit 
ure of the abominable Blue Dragon. 

" When the bombarding began, and the powers of dark 
ness commenced their hellish gunpowder-evolutions, I was 
close by in my palace of Charenton, three hundred and 
thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring of Saturn I 
witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and 
I said, "Is the multiplication table a fiction? are the signs 
of the Zodiac mere astronomers prattle? ? 

" I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my phy 
sician, Dr. Pinel. The keepers I shall cause to be roasted 
alive. I summoned my allies round about me. The high 
contracting powers came to my bidding. Monarchs, from 
all parts of the earth ; sovereigns, from the moon and other 
illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale 
imprisoned genii : I whispered the mystic sign, and the 
doors flew open. We entered Paris in triumph, by the 
Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the 
Octroi. The bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts, 
and retreated howling j they knew us, and trembled. 



230 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 

" My faithful peers and deputies will rally around me. 
I have a friend in Turkey the grand vizier of the Mussul 
mans he was a Protestant once; Lore Brougham, by name. 
I have sent to him to legislate for us : he is wise in the 
law, and astrology, and all sciences ; he shall aid my min 
isters in their councils. I have written to him by the post. 
There shall be no more infamous madhouses in France, 
where poor souls shiver in strait-waistcoats. 

" I recognised Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was 
in his counting-house, counting out his money, as the old 
prophecy warned me. He gave me up the keys of his 
gold; I shall know well how to use it. Taught by adver 
sity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I will 
endow the land with noble institutions, instead of diabol 
ical forts. I will have no more cannon founded. They 
are a curse, and shall be melted the iron ones into rail 
roads; the bronze ones into statues of beautiful saints, 
angels, and wise men ; the copper ones into money, to be 
distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love 
them. 

" There shall be no more poverty ; no more wars ; no 
more avarice ; no more passports ; no more custom-houses ; 
no more lying ; no more physic. 

" ( My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I 
will it. I am the King. 

(Signed) "Louis." 



" Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a 
body of the English foot-guard under the Duke of Jenkins ; 
they were at first about to sack the city, but on hearing 
that the banner of the lilies was once more raised in 
France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered his 
allegiance to his Majesty. It was accepted ; and the Plush- 
Guard has been established in place of the Swiss, who 
waited on former sovereigns." 



"The Irish brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to 
enter our service. Their commander states that they took 



HISTOKY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 231 

every one of the forts round Paris, and having blown them 
up, were proceeding to release Louis XVII. when they 
found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their 
glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Maj 
esty the King of the Irish. It will be a new laurel to add 
to his green crown ! * 



And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of 
the great French Revolution of 1884. It records the ac 
tions of great and various characters ; the deeds of vari 
ous valour ; it narrates wonderful reverses of fortune j it 
affords the moralist scope for his philosophy ; perhaps it 
gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the 
latter imagine, because there is not a precise moral affixed 
to the story, that its tendency is otherwise than good. He 
is a poor reader, for whom his author is obliged to supply 
a moral application. It is well in spelling-books and for 
children; it is needless for the reflecting spirit. The 
drama of Punch himself is not moral ; but that drama has 
had audiences all over the world. Happy he who in our 
dark times can cause a smile! Let us laugh then, and 
gladden in the sunshine, though it be but as the ray upon 
the pool, that flickers only over the cold black depths 
below ! 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTER I. 

SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG. 

IT was in the good old days of chivalry, when every 
mountain that bathes its shadow in the Rhine had its 
castle : not inhabited, as now, by a few rats and owls, nor 
covered with nioss and wall-flowers, and funguses, and 
creeping ivy. No, no ! where the ivy now clusters there 
grew strong portcullis and bars of steel; where the wall 
flower now quivers on the rampart there were silken ban 
ners embroidered with wonderful heraldry; men-at-arms 
marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a 
hideous black champignon ; and in place of the rats and 
owlets, I warrant me there were ladies and knights to revel 
in the great halls, and to feast, and to dance, and to make 
love there. They are passed away: those old knights 
and ladies : their golden hair first changed to silver, and 
then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever ; their 
elegant legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swol 
len and gouty, and then, from being swollen and gouty, 
dwindled down to bare bone-shanks ; the roses left their 
cheeks, and then their cheeks disappeared, and left their 
skulls, and then their skulls powdered into dust, and all 
sign of them was gone. And as it was with them, so shall 
it be with us. Ho, seneschal ! fill me a cup of liquor ! put 
sugar in it, good fellow yea, and a little hot water ; a 
very little, for my soul is sad, as I think of those days and 
knights of old. 

They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are 
they? gone? nay, not altogether gone ; for doth not the 



236 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

eye catch glimpses of them as they walk yonder in the grey 
linibo of romance, shining faintly in their coats of steel, 
wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long- 
tailed gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees 
them : the poet sees them still in the far-off Cloudland, 
and hears the ring of their clarions as they hasten to battle 
or tourney and the dim echoes of their lutes chanting of 
love and fair ladies ! Gracious privilege of poesy ! It is as 
the Dervish s collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to 
see treasures that to the sight of donkeys are invisible. 
Blessed treasures of fancy ! I would not change ye no, 
not for many donkey -loads of gold. . . . Fill again, jolly 
seneschal, thou brave wag ; chalk me up the produce on the 
hostel door surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the 
wondrous liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and 
princesses look blandly down on us from the cloudy per 
fume of the pipe. Do you know in what year the fairies 
left the Rhine?- -long before Murray s "Guide-Book" was 
wrote long before squat steamboats, with snorting fun 
nels, came paddling down the stream. Do you not know 
that once upon a time the appearance of eleven thousand 
British virgins was considered at Cologne as a wonder? 
Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accom 
panied by their ladies -maids. But of them we will say no 
more let us back to those who went before them. 

Many many hundred thousand years ago, and at the ex 
act period when chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred 
a little history upon the banks of the Rhine, which has 
been already written in a book, and hence must be posi 
tively true. Tis a story of knights and ladies of love 
and battle, and virtue rewarded ; a story of princes and 
noble lords, moreover: the best of company. Gentles, an 
ye will, ye shall hear it. Fair dames and damsels, may 
your loves be as happy as those of the heroine of this 
romaunt. 

On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of 
October, in the year previously indicated, such travellers 
as might have chanced to be abroad in that bitter night, 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 237 

might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer journeying on the 
road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not 
tall in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and 
Time, which had browned and furrowed his cheek and 
sprinkled his locks with grey, declared pretty clearly that 
He must have been acquainted with the warrior for some 
fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a pow 
erful and active battle-horse, which (though the way the 
pair had come that day was long and weary indeed) yet 
supported the warrior, his armour and luggage, with 
seeming ease. As it was in a friend s country, the knight 
did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet, 
which hung at his saddle-bow over his portmanteau. Both 
were marked with the coronet of a count ; and from the 
crown which surmounted the helmet, rose the crest of his 
knightly race, an arm proper lifting a naked sword. 

At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior s grasp, 
hung his mangonel or mace a terrific weapon which had 
shattered the brains of many a turbaned soldan : while over 
his broad and ample chest there fell the triangular shield 
of the period, whereon were emblazoned his arms argent, 
a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second : the lat 
ter device was awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, 
by the Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the German 
Peerage of that day, or a knowledge of high families which 
every gentleman then possessed, would have sufficed to 
show at once that the rider we have described was of the 
noble house of Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant 
knight Sir Ludwig of Hombourg : his rank as a count, and 
chamberlain of the Emperor of Austria, was marked by 
the cap of maintenance with the peacock s feather which he 
wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely blood 
was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a 
very meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, 
as it is known, in the Middle Ages, none but princes were 
justified in using. A bag, fastened with a brazen padlock, 
and made of the costly produce of the Persian looms (then 
extremely rare in Europe), told that he had travelled in 



238 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

Eastern climes. This, too, was evident from the inscrip 
tion writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the bag. It 
first ran, " Count Ludwig de Hornbourg, Jerusalem " ; but 
the name of the Holy City had been dashed out with the 
pen, and that of " Godesberg : substituted. So far indeed 
had the cavalier travelled ! and it is needless to state that 
the bag in question contained such remaining articles of the 
toilet as the high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place 
in his valise. 

" By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen ! said the good 
knight, shivering, " tis colder here than at Damascus! 
Marry, I am so hungry I could eat one of Saladin s camels. 
Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner? And taking 
out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his 
embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by 
finding that it was but seven of the night, and that he 
would reach Godesberg ere the warder had sounded the 
second gong. 

His opinion was borne out by the result. His good 
steed, which could trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the 
hour, brought him to this famous castle, just as the warder 
was giving the first welcome signal which told that the 
princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, 
were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight 
o clock. Crowds of pages and horsekeepers were in the 
court, when, the portcullis being raised, and amidst the 
respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most ancient friend 
of the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard. 
The under-butler stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. 
" Welcome, Sir Count, from the Holy Land ! exclaimed 
the faithful old man. "Welcome, Sir Count, from the 
Holy Land! cried the rest of the servants in the hall. 
A stable was speedily found for the Count s horse, Streit- 
hengst, and it was not before the gallant soldier had seen 
that true animal well cared for, that he entered the castle 
itself, and was conducted to his chamber. Wax candles 
burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china vases, every 
variety of soap, and a flask of the precious essence manu- 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 239 

factured at the neighbouring city of Cologne, were dis 
played on his toilet table ; a cheering fire " crackled on the 
hearth," and showed that the good knight s coming had 
been looked and cared for. The serving-maidens, bringing 
him hot water for his ablutions, smiling asked, " Would he 
have his couch warmed at eve? One might have been 
sure from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an 
arch reply. The family tonsor came to know whether the 
noble Count had need of his skill. "By Saint Bugo," said 
the knight, as seated in an easy settle by the fire, the ton 
sor rid his chin of its stubbly growth, and lightly passed 
the tongs and pomatum through " the sable silver of his 
hair, "By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at 
Grand Cairo. How is my godson Otto, master barber ; and 
the Lady Countess, his mother ; and the noble Count Karl, 
my dear brother-in-arms? 

"They are well," said the tonsor, with a sigh. 

"By Saint Bugo, I m glad on t; but why that sigh? 

"Things are not as they have been with my good lord," 
answered the hairdresser, "ever since Count Gottfried s 
arrival. " 

" He here ! " roared Sir Ludwig. " Good never came 
where Gottfried was ! n and the while he donned a pair of 
silken hose, that showed admirably the proportions of his 
lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the spot 
less vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa, 
which was the fitting costume for "knight in ladye s 
bower," the knight entered into a conversation with the 
barber, who explained to him, with the usual garrulousness 
of his tribe, what was the present position of the noble 
family of Godesberg. 

This will be narrated in the next chapter. 



ii Vol. 19 



MO A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTER II. 

THE GODESBERGERS. 

Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig 
of Hombourg found in the bosom of his friend s family a 
cordial welcome. The brother-in-arms of the Margrave 
Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the Margravine, the 
exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppurn, and (albeit no 
theologian, and although the first princes of Christendom 
coveted such an honour) he was selected to stand as sponsor 
for the Margrave s son Otto, the only child of his house. 

It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess 
had been united: and although Heaven had not blessed 
their couch with more than one child, it may be said of 
that one that it was a prize, and that surely never lighted 
on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Lud 
wig, hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved 
godchild, he had left him a boy ; he now found him, as the 
Matter rushed into his arms, grown to be one of the finest 
/oung men in Germany: tall and excessively graceful in 
proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his 
cheek, that was likewise adorned with the first down of 
manhood, and with magnificent golden ringlets, such as a 
Rowland might envy, curling over his brow and his shoul 
ders. His eyes alternately beamed with the fire of daring, 
or melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well 
might a mother be proud of such a boy. Well might the 
brave Ludwig exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his 
breast, "By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou 
art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion s grenadiers! " and it was 
the fact: the "Childe" of Godesberg measured six feet 
three. 

He was habited for the evening meal in the costly though 
simple attire of the nobleman of the period and his cos- 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 241 

tume a good deal resembled that of the old knight whose 
toilet we have just described ; with the difference of colour, 
however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of Godes- 
berg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of 
carved and embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leg 
gings, were of the stuff of Nanquin, then brought by the 
Lombard argosies at an immense price from China. The 
neighbouring country of Holland had supplied his wrists 
and bosom with the most costly laces ; and thus attired, 
with an opera-hat placed on one side of his head, orna 
mented with a single flower (that brilliant one, the tulip), 
the boy rushed into his godfather s dressing-room, and 
warned him that the banquet was ready. 

It was indeed : a frown had gathered on the dark brows 
of the Lady Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emo 
tion akin to indignation ; for she feared lest the soups in 
the refectory and the splendid fish now smoking there 
were getting cold : she feared not for herself, but for her 
lord s sake. "Godesberg," whispered she to Count Lud- 
wig, as trembling on his arm they descended from the 
drawing-room, "Godesberg is sadly changed of late." 

" By Saint Bugo ! said the burly knight, starting, 
"these are the very words the barber spake." 

The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the 
soup-tureen. For some time the good Knight Ludwig of 
Hombourg was too much occupied in ladling out the force 
meat balls and rich calves head of which the delicious 
pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay, 
marry, and in eating them, too) to look at his brother-in 
arms at the bottom of the table, where he sat with his 
son on his left hand, and the Baron Gottfried on his right. 

The Margrave was indeed changed. "By Saint Bugo," 
whispered Ludwig to the Countess, " your husband is as 
surly as a bear that hath been wounded o the head." 
Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The 
soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig re 
marked that the Margrave sent all away untasted. 

"The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg," said 



242 A LEGEND OF THE RHIXE. 

the Margrave gloomily from the end of the table. Not 
even an invitation to drink : how different was this from, 
the old times! 

But when, in compliance with this order, the boteler 
proceeded to hand round the mantling vintage of the Cape 
to the assembled party, and to fill young Otto s goblet 
(which the latter held up with the eagerness of youth), the 
Margrave s rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son; 
he dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest ; and giving 
him three or four heavy blows which would have knocked 
down a bonasus, but only caused the young Childe to blush : 
You take wine ! roared out the Margrave ; " you dare to 
help yourself! Who the d-v-1 gave you leave to help 
yourself? 3 and the terrible blows were reiterated over the 
delicate ears of the boy. 

"Ludwig! Ludwig! shrieked the Margravine. 

"Hold your prate, madam," roared the Prince. "By 
Saint Buffo, mayn t a father beat his own child? " 

" His OWN CHILD ! " repeated the Margrave with a burst, 
almost a shriek, of indescribable agony. " Ah, what did I 
say? " 

Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze ; Sir Gottfried 
(at the Margrave s right hand) smiled ghastlily ; the young 
Otto was too much agitated by the recent conflict to wear 
any expression but that of extreme discomfiture ; but the 
poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red 
almost as the lobster which flanked the turbot before her. 

In those rude old times, tis known such table quarrels 
were by no means unusual amongst gallant knights j and 
Ludwig, who had oft seen the Margrave cast a leg of mut 
ton at an offending servitor, or empty a sauce-boat in the 
direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one of 
the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend, 
and wisely determined to change the converse. 

"How is my friend," said he, "the good knight, Sir 
Hildebrandt? " 

" By Saint Buffo, this is too much ! screamed the Mar 
grave, and actually rushed from the room. 



A LEGEND OF THE EHINE. 243 

"By Saint Bugo," said his friend, "gallant knights, 
gentle sirs, what ails niy good Lord Margrave? : 

"Perhaps his nose bleeds," said Gottfried with a sneer. 

"Ah, my kind friend," said the Margravine with uncon 
trollable emotion, " I fear some of you have passed from 
the frying-pan into the fire." And making the signal of 
departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to coffee in 
the drawing-room. 

The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat 
more collected than he had been. " Otto," he said sternly, 
" go join the ladies : it becomes not a young boy to remain 
in the company of gallant knights after dinner." The 
noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room, 
and the Margrave, taking his lady s place at the head of 
the table, whispered to Sir Ludwig, " Hildebrandt will 
be here to-night to an evening party, given in honour of 
your return from Palestine. My good friend my true 
friend my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried ! you had 
best see that the tiddlers be not drunk, and that the crum 
pets be gotten ready." Sir Gottfried, obsequiously taking 
his patron s hint, bowed and left the room. 

"You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig," said the Mar 
grave with a heartrending look. " You marked Gottfried, 
who left the room anon? 

"I did." 

" You look incredulous concerning his worth ; but I tell 
thee, Ludwig, that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and 
my fast friend. Why should he not be? He is my near 
relation, heir to my property : should 1 9: (here the Mar 
grave s countenance assumed its former expression of ex 
cruciating agony), "should I have no son." 

"But I never saw the boy in better health," replied Sir 
Ludwig. 

"Nevertheless, ha! ha! it may chance that I shall 
soon have no son." 

The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during 
dinner, and Sir Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant 
friend had drunken rather deeply. He proceeded in this 



244 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

respect to imitate him ; for the stern soldier of those days 
neither shrunk before the Paynirn nor the punch- bowl : and 
many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria 
with lion-hearted Eichard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of 
Bouillon ; nay, with the dauntless Saladin himself. 

"You knew Gottfried in Palestine? " asked the Marquis 

"I did." 

" Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades 
should, with the warm grasp of friendship? It is not be 
cause Sir Gottfried is poor? You know well that he is of 
race as noble as thine own, my early friend! 

"I care not for his race nor for his poverty," replied the 
blunt crusader. "What says the Minnesinger? Marry, 
the rank is but the stamp of the guinea ; the man is the 
gold. And I tell thee, Karl of Godesberg, that yonder 
Gottfried is base metal." 

"By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig." 

"By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow 
was known i the camp of the crusaders disreputably 
known. Ere he joined us in Palestine, he had sojourned 
in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He 
is a cogger of dice, I tell thee a chanter of horseflesh. 
He won five thousand marks from bluff Eichard of Eng 
land the night before the storming of Ascalon, and I caught 
him with false trumps in his pocket. He warranted a bay 
mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had fired 
her." 

" Ha ! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a leg ? r cried Sir 
Karl, knitting his brows. " Now, by my blessed patron, 
Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other but Ludwig of Hom- 
bourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to chine." 

" By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my 
words on Sir Gottfried s body not on thine, old brother- 
in-arms. And to do the knave justice, he is a good lance. 
Holy Bugo ! but he did good service at Acre ! But his 
character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was dis 
missed the army ; nor even allowed to sell his captain s 
commission. " 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 245 

"I have heard of it," said the Margrave; "Gottfried 
bath told ine of it. Twas about some silly quarrel over 
the wine-cup a mere silly jape, believe me. Hugo de 
Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board. Gott 
fried was wroth, and, to say sooth, flung the black bottle at 
the Count s head. Hence his dismission and abrupt re 
turn. But you know not," continued the Margrave, with 
a heavy sigh, " of what use that worthy Gottfried has beea 
to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me." 

"Not yet" answered Hombourg satirically. 

"By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous 
damnable traitor! a nest of traitors. Hildebrandt is a 
traitor Otto is a traitor and Theodora (0 Heaven!) she 
she is another. " The old Prince burst into tears at the 
word, and was almost choked with emotion. 

"What means this passion, dear friend? " cried Sir Lud- 
wig, seriously alarmed. 

"Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora to 
gether: mark Hildebrandt and Otto together. Like, like 
I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints, that I should be 
born to suffer this! to have all my affections wrenched 
out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age ! But, 
hark! the guests are arriving. An ye will not empty an 
other flask of claret, l^t us join the ladyes i the withdraw 
ing chamber. Wherj. there, mark Hildebrandt and Otto ! " 



246 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTER III. 

THE FESTIVAL. 

THE festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, 
or in their caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank 
were assembled in the grand saloon of Godesberg, which 
was splendidly illuminated to receive them. Servitors, in 
rich liveries (they were attired in doublets of the sky-blue 
broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit 
the colours of the house of Godesberg), bore about vari 
ous refreshments on trays of silver cakes, baked in the 
oven, and swimming in melted butter ; munchets of bread, 
smeared with the same delicious condiment, and carved so 
thin that you might have expected them to take wing and 
fly to the ceiling ; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, 
after his excursion into Arabia, and tea such as only Bo 
hemia could produce, circulated amidst the festive throng, 
and were eagerly devoured by the guests. The Margrave s 
gloom was unheeded by them how little indeed is the 
smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the 
breasts of those who bid them to the feast ! The Margra 
vine was pale ; but woman knows how to deceive ; she was 
more than ordinarily courteous to her friends, and laughed, 
though the laugh was hollow ; and talked, though the talk 
was loathsome to her. 

"The two are together," said the Margrave, clutching 
his friend s shoulder. " Now look f 

Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure 
enough, were Sir Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side 
by side in the dance. Two eggs were not more like ! The 
reason of the Margrave s horrid suspicion at once flashed 
across his friend s mind. 

" Tis clear as the staff of a pike," said the poor Mar 
grave mournfully. "Come, brother, away from the scene; 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 247 

let us go play a game at cribbage ! " and retiring to the 
Margravine s boudoir, the two warriors sat down to the 
game. 

But though tis an interesting one, and though the Mar 
grave won, yet he could not keep his attention on the 
cards: so agitated was his mind by the dreadful secret 
which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play, the 
obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his pa 
tron s ear, which threw the latter into such a fury, that 
apoplexy was apprehended by the two lookers-on. But the 
Margrave mastered his emotion. " At what time, did you 
say? said he to Gottfried. 

"At daybreak, at the outer gate." 

"I will be there." 

"And so will I too," thought Count Ludwig, the good 
Knight of Hornbourg. 



248 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTEE IV. 

THE FLIGHT. 

How often does man, proud man, make calculations for 
the future, and think he can bend stern fate to his will ! 
Alas, we are but creatures in its hands ! How many a 
slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup ! How often, 
though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon, 
do we find ourselves dashed to earth ; and then we are fain 
to say the grapes are sour, because we cannot attain them ; 
or worse, to yield to anger in consequence of our own 
fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was not at the outer 
gate at daybreak. 

He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night s 
potations had been heavy, the day s journey had been long 
and rough. The knight slept as a soldier would, to whom 
a feather bed is a rarity, and who wakes not till he hears 
the blast of the reveille. 

He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Mar 
grave. He had been there for hours, watching his slum 
bering comrade. Watching? no, not watching, but awake 
by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably bitter 
over feelings inexpressibly wretched. 

"What s o clock? was the first natural exclamation of 
the Hombourger. 

"I believe it is five o clock," said his friend. It was 
ten. It might have been twelve, two, half-past four, 
twenty minutes to six, the Margrave would still have said, 
"7 believe it is jive o clock" The wretched take no count 
of time : it flies with unequal pinions, indeed, for them. 

"Is breakfast over? * inquired the crusader. 

" Ask the butler," said the Margrave, nodding his head 
wildly, rolling his eyes wildly, smiling wildly. 

" Gracious Bugo ! " said the Knight of Hombourg, " what 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 249 

has ailed thee, rny friend? It is ten o clock by my hor 
ologe. Your regular hour is nine. You are not no, by 
heavens ! you are not shaved ! You wear the tights and 
silken hose of last evening s banquet. Your collar is all 
rumpled tis that of yesterday. You have not been to bed f 
What has chanced, brother of mine ; what has chanced? 

" A common chance, Louis of Hombourg," said the Mar 
grave : " one that chances every day. A false woman, a 
false friend, a broken heart. This has chanced. I have 
not been to bed." 

" What mean ye? cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. 
" A false friend? I am not a false friend. A false woman? 
Surely the lovely Theodora, your wife " 

"I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no 
son." 



In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what 
had occurred. Gottfried s information was but too correct. 
There was a cause for the likeness between Otto and Sir 
Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt arid Theodora 
had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen 
them. They walked along together ; they embraced. Ah! 
how the husband s, the father s, feelings were harrowed at 
that embrace ! They parted ; and then the Margrave, com 
ing forward, coldly signified to his lady that she was to 
retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy 
should be sent too, to take the vows at a monastery. 

Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and 
guarded by a company of his father s rnen-at-arms, was on 
the river going towards Cologne, to the Monastery of Saint 
Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under the guard of Sir 
Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to the con 
vent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have 
seen the beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the 
bright waters of the Khine ! 

" What road did Gottfried take? " asked the Knight of 
Hombourg, grinding his teeth. 

" You cannot overtake him," said the Margrave. "Mjr 



250 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

good Gottfried, lie is my only comfort now : he is my kins 
man, and shall be my heir. He will be back anon." 

" Will he so? " thought Sir Ludwig. " I will ask him a 
few questions ere he return." And springing from his 
couch, he began forthwith to put on his usual morning dress 
of complete armour ; and, after a hasty ablution, donned, 
not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He 
rang the bell violently. 

" A cup of coffee, straight," said he, to the servitor who 
answered the summons ; " bid the cook pack me a sausage 
and bread in paper, and the groom saddle Streithengst : we 
have far to ride." 

The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought ; 
the refreshments disposed of; the clattering steps of the 
departing steed were heard in the courtyard; but the Mar 
grave took no notice of his friend, and sat, plunged in 
silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside. 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 251 



CHAPTER V. 

THE TRAITOR S DOOM. 

THE Hombourger led his horse down the winding path 
which conducts from the hill and castle of Godesberg into 
the beautiful green plain below. Who has not seen that 
lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not loved it? A 
thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around in 
peaceful luxuriance j the mighty Ehine floats by it in sil 
ver magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise the seven 
mountains robed in majestic purple, the rnonarchs of the 
royal scene. 

A. pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very 
scene, has mentioned that "peasant girls, with dark blue 
eyes, and hands that offer cake and wine," are perpetually 
crowding round the traveller in this delicious district, and 
proffering to him their rustic presents. This was no doubt 
the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his 
elegant poems in the happy ancient days ! when maidens 
were as yet generous, and men kindly ! Now the degen 
erate peasantry of the district are much more inclined to 
ask than to give, and their blue eyes seem to have disap 
peared with their generosity. 

But as it was a long time ago that the events of our 
story occurred, His probable that the good Knight Ludwig 
of Hornbourg was greeted upon his path by this fascinating 
peasantry ; though we know not how he accepted their 
welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green 
country until he came to Eolandseck, whence he could 
command the Island of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine 
opposite that place), and all who went to it or passed 
from it. 

Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks 
hanging above the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and cov- 



252 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

ered with, odoriferous cactuses and silvery magnolias, the 
traveller of the present day may perceive a rude broken 
image of a saint: that image represented the venerable 
Saint Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave ; and Sir 
Ludwig, kneeling on the greensward, and reciting a censer, 
an ave, and a couple of acolytes before it, felt encouraged 
to think that the deed he meditated was about to be per 
formed under the very eyes of his friend s sanctified pa 
tron. His devotion done (and the knight of those days 
was as pious as he was brave), Sir Ludwig, the gallant 
Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud voice : 

" Ho ! hermit ! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell ! 

" Who calls the poor servant of Heaven and Saint 
Buffo? 7> exclaimed a voice from the cavern; and presently, 
from beneath the wreaths of geranium and magnolia, ap 
peared an intensely venerable, ancient, and majestic head 

- twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo s solitary. 
A silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an ap 
pearance of great respectability; his body was robed in 
simple brown serge, and girt with a knotted cord ; his an 
cient feet were only defended from the prickles and stones by 
the rudest sandals, and his bald and polished head was bare. 

"Holy hermit," said the knight in a grave voice, "make 
ready thy ministry, for there is some one about to die." 

"Where, son?" 

"Here, father." 

"Is he here, now? 

"Perhaps," said the stout warrior, crossing himself; 
"but not so if right prevail." At this moment he caught 
sight of a ferry-boat putting off from Nonnenwerth, with 
a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by the sinople 
reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was 
Sir Gottfried of Godesberg. 

"Be ready, father," said the good knight, pointing 
towards the advancing boat ; and waving his hand by way 
of respect to the reverend hermit, without a further word 
lie vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for a few score 
of paces, when he wheeled round, and remained steady. 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 253 

His great lance and pennon rose in the air. His armour 
glistened in the sun ; the chest and head of his battle-horse 
were similarly covered with steel. As Sir Gottfried, like 
wise armed and mounted (for his horse had been left at the 
ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started 
at the figure before him a glistening tower of steel. 

"Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight? said Sir 
Gottfried haughtily, " or do you hold it against all comers, 
in honour of your lady-love? } 

" I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against 
all comers. I hold it but against one, and he is a liar and 
a traitor." 

"As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me 
pass," said Gottfried. 

" The matter does concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. 
Liar and traitor! art thou coward, too? 

"Holy Saint Buffo! His a fight! exclaimed the old 
hermit (who, too, had been a gallant warrior in his day) ; 
and like the old war-horse that hears the trumpet s sound, 
and spite of his clerical profession, he prepared to look on 
at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and sat down on 
the overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and 
affecting unconcern, but in reality most deeply interested 
in the event which was about to ensue. 

As soon as the word " coward " had been pronounced by 
Sir Ludwig, his opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible 
to be inscribed here, had wheeled back his powerful pie 
bald, and brought his lance to the rest. 

"Ha! Beauseant!" cried he. "Allah humdillah!" 
Twas the battle-cry in Palestine of the irresistible Knights 
Hospitallers. "Look to thyself, Sir Knight, and for 
mercy from Heaven, /will give thee none." 

" A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen ! ? exclaimed Sir Ludwig 
piously: that, too, was the well-known war-cry of his 
princely race. 

f l will give the signal," said the old hermit, waving his 
pipe. "Knights, are you ready? One, two, three. Los!" 
(Let go.) 



254 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like 
whirlwinds; the two knights, two flashing perpendicular 
masses of steel, rapidly converged; the two lances met 
upon the two shields of either, and shivered, splintered, 
shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which whirled 
through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the 
trees, or in the river. The two horses fell back trembling 
on their haunches, where they remained for half a minute 
or so. 

" Holy Buffo ! a brave stroke ! J said the old hermit. 
" Marry, but a splinter well-nigh took off my nose ! " The 
honest hermit waved his pipe in delight, not perceiving 
that one of the splinters had carried off the head of it, and 
rendered his favourite amusement impossible. "Ha! they 
are to it again ! O my ! how they go to with their great 
swords! Well stricken, grey! Well parried, piebald! 
Ha, that was a slicer! Go it, piebald! go it, grey^-go 
it, grey! go it, pie- Peccavi! peccavi! said the old 
man, here suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on 
his knees. "I forgot I was a man of peace. " And the 
next moment, uttering a hasty matin, he sprang down the 
ledge of rock, and was by the side of the combatants. 

The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, 
his strength and skill had not been able to overcome Sir 
Ludwig the Hombourger, with RIGHT on his side. He was 
bleeding at every point of his armour : he had been run 
through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, de 
livered with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown 
of his helmet of Damascus steel, and passing through the 
cerebellum and sensoriuin, had split his nose almost in 
twain. 

His mouth foaming his face almost green his eyes full 
of blood his brains spattered over his forehead, and sev 
eral of his teeth knocked out the discomfited warrior pre 
sented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling under the effects of 
the last tremendous blow which the Knight of Hornbourg 
dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his pie 
bald charger ; the frightened animal whisked his tail wildly 



A LEGEND OP THE RHINE. 255 

with a shriek and a snort, plunged out his hind legs, 
trampling for one moment upon the feet of the prostrate 
Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek with agony, and 
then galloped away riderless. 

Away ! ay, away ! away amid the green vineyards and 
golden cornfields ; away up the steep mountains, where he 
frightened the eagles in their eyries ; away down the clat 
tering ravines, where the flashing cataracts tumble ; away 
through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves 
are howling ; away over the dreary wolds, where the wild 
wind walks alone ; away through the plashing quagmires, 
where the will-o -the-wisp slunk frightened among the 
reeds ; away through light and darkness, storm and sun 
shine; away by tower and -town, highroad and hamlet. 
Once a turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha! 
ha ! he charged the pike, and cleared it at a bound. Once 
the Cologne Diligence stopped the way: he charged the 
Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the 
roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly 
on ! Brave horse ! gallant steed ! snorting child of Araby ! 
On went the horse, over mountains, rivers, turnpikes, 
apple- women ; and never stopped until he reached a livery- 
stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to put 
him up. 



256 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTER VI. 

THE CONFESSION. 

BUT we have forgotten, meanwhile, the prostrate indi 
vidual. Having examined the wounds in his side, legs, 
head, and throat, the old hermit (a skilful leech) knelt 
down by the side of the vanquished one and said, "Sir 
Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are 
in an exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not prob 
ably survive." 

" Say you so, Sir Priest? then tis time I make my con 
fession. Hearken you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, who 
ever you be." 

Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been 
tying his horse up to a tree) lifted his visor and said, 
" Gottfried of G-odesberg ! I am the friend of thy kinsman, 
Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined ; I am 
the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame 
thou hast belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto, 
whose heritage thou wouldst have appropriated. There 
fore I met thee in deadly fight, and overcame thee, and 
have well-nigh finished thee. Speak on." 

" I have done all this," said the dying man, "and here, 
in my last hour, repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spot 
less lady ; the youthful Otto the true son of his father 
Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his uncle." 

"Gracious Buffo!" "Celestial Bugo!" here said the 
hermit and the Knight of Hoinbourg simultaneously, clasp 
ing their hands. 

" Yes, his uncle; but with the bar-sinister in his scutch 
eon. Hence he could never be acknowledged by the family ; 
hence, too, the Lady Theodora s spotless purity (though 
the young people had been brought up together) could 
never be brought to own the relationship." 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 257 

"May I repeat your confession? asked the hermit. 

" With the greatest pleasure in life : carry my confession 
to the Margrave, and pray him give me pardon. Were 
there a notary-public present," slowly gasped the knight, 
the film of dissolution glazing over his eyes, " I would ask 
you two gentlemen to witness it. I would gladly 
sign the deposition that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr-ite ! 
A faint shuddering smile a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle the 
blood gushed from his mouth in black volumes. . . . 

" He will never sin more," said the hermit solemnly. 

" May Heaven assoilzie him ! said Sir Ludwig. " Her 
mit, he was a gallant knight. He died with harness on 
his back, and with truth on his lips : Ludwig of Hombourg 
would ask no other death. . . ." 

An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle 
of Godesberg were rather surprised to see the noble Lord 
Louis trot into the courtyard of the castle, with a com 
panion on the crupper of his saddle. Twas the venerable 
Hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater celer 
ity, had adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose 
appearance and little dumpy legs might well create hilarity 
among the " pampered menials who are always found 
lounging about the houses of the great. He skipped off 
the saddle with considerable lightness, however ; and Sir 
Ludwig, taking the reverend man by the arm, and f Downing 
the jeering servitors into awe, bade one of them lead him 
to the presence of His Highness the Margrave. 

" What has chanced? said the inquisitive servitor. 
" The riderless horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by 
the outer wall anon. The Margrave s Grace has never 
quitted your Lordship s chamber, and sits as one dis 
traught." 

"Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on! " And so say 
ing, the Knight and his Reverence moved into the well- 
known apartment, where, according to the servitor s de 
scription, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone. 

Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man s 
hands, the hermit seized the other, and began (but on ac- 



258 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

count of his great age, with a prolixity which we shall not 
endeavour to imitate) to narrate the events which we have 
already described. Let the dear reader fancy, the while 
his Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave 
gradually lighting up with attention ; the flush of joy which 
mantles in his countenance the start the throb the al 
most delirious outburst of hysteric exultation with which, 
when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the two 
messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy 
that almost choked the aged recluse! "Ride, ride this 
instant to the Margravine say I have wronged her, that it 
is all right, that she may come back that I forgive her 
that I apologise, if you will " and a secretary forthwith 
despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a 
fleet messenger. 

" Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, 
and bid him send me back my boy, my darling, my Otto 
my Otto of roses ! said the fond father, making the first 
play upon words he had ever attempted in his life. But 
what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling 
at the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messen 
ger was despatched on another horse. 

" And now," said Sir Ludwig playfully, " let us to lunch. 
Holy hermit, are you for a snack? 

The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, 
and the three gentles seated themselves to a plenteous re 
past; for which the remains of the feast of yesterday 
offered, it need not be said, ample means. 

"They will be home by dinner-time," said the exulting 
father. " Ludwig ! reverend hermit ! we will carry on till 
then." And the cup passed gaily round, and the laugh 
and jest circulated, while the three happy friends sat con 
fidently awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son. 

But alas ! said we not rightly at the commencement of a 
former chapter, that betwixt the lip and the raised wine- 
cup there is often many a spill? that our hopes are high, 
and often, too often, vain? About three hours after the 
departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with an 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 259 

exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the 
Margrave a billet to the following effect : 

" CONVENT OP NONNENWERTH : Fi*iday Afternoon. 
" SIB, I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and 
am disposed to bear it no more. I will no longer be made 
the butt of your ribald satire, and the object of your coarse 
abuse. Last week you threatened me with your cane ! On 
Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which hit 
the butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This 
morning, in the presence of all the servants, you called me 
by the most vile abominable name, which Heaven forbid I 
should repeat ! You dismissed me from your house under 
a false accusation. You sent me to this odious convent to 
be immured for life. Be it so ! I will not come back, 
because, forsooth, you relent. Anything is better than a 
residence with a wicked, coarse, violent, intoxicated, brutal 
monster like yourself. I remain here for ever, and blush 
to be obliged to sign myself 

"THEODORA VON GODESBERG. 

P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best 
gowns, jewels, and wearing-apparel; and make no doubt 
you dismissed me from your house in order to make way 
for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear out, 

"T. y. G." 



260 A LEGEND OP THE RHINE. 



CHAPTER VII. 

THE SENTENCE. 

THIS singular document, illustrative of the passions of 
women at all times, and particularly of the manners of the 
early ages, struck dismay into the heart of the Margrave. 

"Are her Ladyship s insinuations correct?" asked the 
hermit in a severe tone. " To correct a wife with a cane 
is a venial, I may say a justifiable practice ; but to fling a 
bottle at her is ruin, both to the liquor and to her. " 

"But she sent a carving-knife at me first," said the 
heart-broken husband. " O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, 
why did I ever listen to thy green and yellow tongue? " 

"They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely," 
whispered Sir Ludwig to the hermit ; who began to deliver 
forthwith a lecture upon family discord and marital au 
thority, which would have sent his two hearers to sleep, 
but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the 
Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son. This 
herald wore a still longer face than that of his comrade 
who preceded him. 

" Where is my darling? roared the agonised parent. 
"Have ye brought him with ye? 

"N no," said the man, hesitating. 

" I will flog the knave soundly when he comes," cried 
the father, vainly endeavouring, under an appearance of 
sternness, to hide his inward emotion and tenderness. 

"Please, your Highness," said the messenger, making a 
desperate effort, "Count Otto is not at the convent." 

"Know ye, knave, where he is? 

The swain solemnly said, "I do. He is there." He 
pointed as he spake to the broad Ehine, that was seen from 
the casement, lighted up by the magnificent hues of sunset. 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 261 

" There ! How mean ye there ? " gasped the Margrave, 
wrought to a pitch of nervous fury. 

" Alas ! my good lord, when he was in the boat which 
was to conduct him to the convent, he he jumped sud 
denly from it, and is dr-dr-owned." 

; Carry that knave out and hang him ! " said the Mar 
grave, with a calmness more dreadful than any outburst of 
rage. "Let every man of the boat s crew be blown from 
the mouth of the cannon on the tower except the cox 
swain, and let him be " 

What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows ; 
for at that moment, and overcome by his emotion, the Mar 
grave sank down lifeless on the floor. 



262 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTEE VIII. 

THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG. 

IT must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our 
readers we dare venture to presume that a dull intellect 
should be found) that the cause of the Margrave s fainting 
fit, described in the last chapter, was a groundless appre 
hension on the part of that too solicitous and credulous 
nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No, 
young Otto was not drowned. Was ever hero of romantic 
story done to death so early in the tale? Young Otto was 
not drowned. Had such been the case, the Lord Margrave 
would infallibly have died at the close of the last chapter ; 
and a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted 
how the lovely Lady Theodora became insane in the con 
vent, and how Sir Ludwig determined, upon the demise of 
the old hermit (consequent upon the shock of hearing the 
news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and assume the 
robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late venerable and 
solitary ecclesiastic. Otto was not drowned, and all those 
personages of our history are consequently alive and well. 

The boat containing the amazed young Count for he 
knew not the cause of his father s anger, and hence re 
belled against the unjust sentence which the Margrave had 
uttered had not rowed many miles, when the gallant boy 
rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and 
determined not to be a slave in any convent of any order : 
determined to make a desperate effort for escape. At a 
moment when the men were pulling hard against the tide, 
and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to steer 
the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands, 
which are frequently met with in the majestic though dan 
gerous river, Otto gave a sudden spring from the boat, and 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 263 

with one single flounce was in the boiling, frothing, swirl 
ing eddy of the stream. 

Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of 
their young lord ! All loved him ; all would have given 
their lives for him ; but as they did not know how to 
swim, of course they declined to make any useless plunges 
in search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder 
and grief. Once, his fair head and golden ringlets were 
seen to arise from the water ; tivice, puffing and panting, it 
appeared for an instant again ; thrice, it rose but for one 
single moment : it was the last chance, and it sunk, sunk, 
sunk. Knowing the reception they would meet with from, 
their liege lord, the men naturally did not go home to 
Godesberg, but, putting in at the first creek on the opposite 
bank, fled into the Duke of Nassau s territory; where, as 
they have little to do with our tale, we will leave them. 

But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young 
Otto. He had disappeared, it is true : but why? because 
he had dived. He calculated that his conductors would 
consider him drowned, and the desire of liberty lending 
him wings (or we had rather &y fins, in this instance), the 
gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his 
head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne 
the distance being twenty-five or thirty miles. 

Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side 
of the river, repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel 
there, saying he had had an accident from a boat, and 
thus accounting for the moisture of his habiliments, and 
while these were drying before a fire in his chamber, went 
snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the 
strange events of the day. "This morning," thought he, 
" a noble, and heir to a princely estate this evening an 
outcast, with but a few bank-notes which my mamma 
luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry 
into life is this for a young man of my family ! Well, I 
have courage and resolution : my first attempt in life has 
been a gallant and successful one ; other dangers will be 

conquered by similar bravery." And recommending him- 
12 Vol. 19 



264: A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

self, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the 
care of their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted 
boy fell presently into such a sleep, as only the young, the 
healthy, the innocent, and the extremely fatigued, can 
enjoy. 

The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would 
be fatigued after swimming well-nigh thirty miles under 
water) caused young Otto to sleep so profoundly, that he 
did not remark how, after Friday s sunset, as a natural 
consequence, Saturday s Phoebus illumined the world, ay, 
and sunk at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of 
the hostel, peeping in, marked him sleeping, and blessing 
him for a pretty youth, tripped lightly from the chamber ; 
the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call him (as boots 
will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore, turned 
on his side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption. 
In a word, the youth slept for six-and-thirty hours at an 
elongation ; and the Sunday sun was shining, and the bells 
of the hundred churches of Cologne were clinking and toll 
ing in pious festivity, and the burghers and burgheresses 
of the town were trooping to vespers and morning service 
when Otto awoke. 

As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, 
the astonished boy could not at first account for his diffi 
culty in putting them on. "Marry," said he, "these 
breeches that my blessed mother ; (tears filled his fine 
eyes as he thought of her) " that my blessed mother had 
made long on purpose, are now ten inches too short for me. 
Whir-r-r ! my coat cracks i the back, as in vain I try to 
buckle it round me; and the sleeves reach no farther than 
my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I grown fat and 
tall in a single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it." 

The young and good-humoured Childe laughed merrily. 
He bethought him of the reason of his mistake : his gar 
ments had shrunk from, being five-and-twenty miles under 
water. 

But one remedy presented itself to his mind ; and that 
we need not say was to purchase new ones. Inquiring the 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 265 

way to the most genteel ready-made clothes establishment 
in the city of Cologne, and finding it was kept in the Min- 
oriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated Moses of 
London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium ; 
but you may be sure did not neglect to perform his relig 
ious duties by the way. Entering the cathedral, he made 
straight for the shrine of St. Buffo, and, hiding himself 
behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognised by 
the Archbishop, or any of his father s numerous friends in 
Cologne), he proceeded with his devotions, as was the prac 
tice of the young nobles of the age. 

But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his 
eye could not refrain from wandering a little .round about 
him, and he remarked with surprise that the whole church 
was filled with archers ; and he remembered, too, that he 
had seen in the streets numerous other bands of men sim 
ilarly attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch 
the cause of this assemblage, one of the green ones said 
(in a jape), "Marry, youngster, you must be green, not to 
know that we are all bound to the castle of his Grace Duke 
Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery meeting once a year, 
and prizes for which we toxophilites muster strong." 

Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now 
immediately settled what to do. He straightway repaired 
to the ready-made emporium of Herr Moses, and bidding 
that gentleman furnish him with an archer s complete 
dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock, 
which fitted the youth to a t, and we need not say was sold 
at an exceedingly moderate price. So attired (and bidding 
Herr Moses a cordial farewell), young Otto was a gor 
geous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to gaze on. A coat and 
breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented with 
a profusion of brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite 
tightness, showed off a figure unrivalled for slim sym 
metry. His feet were covered with peaked buskins of buff 
leather, and a belt round his slender waist, of the same 
material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe and pouch, and 
his long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous 



266 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

youth had as yet only employed it to fashion wicket-bails, 
or to cut bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready to use 
against the enemy. His personal attractions were en 
hanced by a neat white hat, flung carelessly and fearlessly 
on one side of his open smiling countenance ; and his lovely 
hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets, fell over his 
shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far 
as the waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a 
lovely Colnerinn looked after the handsome Childe with 
anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid under the guise 
of "a bonny boy in green." 

So accoutred, the youth s next thought was, that he 
must supply himself with a bow. This he speedily pur 
chased at the most fashionable bowyer s, and of the best 
material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink 
ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beauti 
fully painted and embroidered, was slung across his back 
with a dozen of the finest arrows, tipped with steel of 
Damascus, formed of the branches of the famous Upas tree 
of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan. 
These purchases being completed (together with that of a 
knapsack, dressing-case, change, etc.), our young adven 
turer asked where was the hostel at which the archers were 
wont to assemble? and being informed that it was at the 
sign of the " G-olden Stag," hied him to that house of en 
tertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and 
beer, he speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the 
goodwill of a company of his future comrades who hap 
pened to be sitting in the coffee-room. 

After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, 
addressing them, " When go ye forth, gentles? I am a 
stranger here, bound as you to the archery meeting of Duke 
Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your company, 
twill gladden me upon my lonely way." 

The archers replied, " You seem so young and jolly, and 
you spend your gold so very like a gentleman, that we ll 
receive you in our band with pleasure. Be ready, for we 
start at half -past two ! " At that hour accordingly the 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 267 

whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a 
little increased his popularity among them by stepping out 
and having a conference with the landlord, which caused 
the latter to come into the room where the archers were 
assembled previous to departure, and to say, " Gentlemen, 
the bill is settled ! ? words never ungrateful to an archer 
yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I 
wot of. 

They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and 
joking, and telling of a thousand feats of love and chase 
and war. While thus engaged, some one remarked to 
Otto, that he was not dressed in the regular uniform, hav 
ing no feathers in his hat. 

"I dare say I will find a feather," said the lad, smiling. 

Then another gibed because his bow was new. 

" See that you can use your old one as well, Master 
Wolfgang," said the undisturbed youth. His answers, his 
bearing, his generosity, his beauty, and his wit, inspired 
all his new toxophilite friends with interest and curiosity, 
and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow 
corresponded with their secret sympathies for him. 

An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to 
present itself soon as indeed it seldom does to such a 
hero of romance as young Otto was. Fate seems to watch 
over such : events occur to them just in the nick of time ; 
they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of devour 
ing them ; they manage to be present at Court and inter 
esting ceremonies, and to see the most interesting people at 
the most interesting moment ; directly an adventure is nec 
essary for them, that adventure occurs : and I, for my 
part, have often wondered with delight (and never could 
penetrate the mystery of the subject) at the way in which 
that humblest of romance heroes, Signer Clown, when he 
wants anything in the Pantomime, straightway finds it to 
his hand. How is it that suppose he wishes to dress 
himself up like a woman, for instance, that minute a coal- 
heaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a bon 
net : at the very next instant a butcher s lad passing with 



268 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

a string of sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously 
helps Master Clown to a necklace and a toumure, and so 
on through the whole toilet? Depend upon it there is 
something we do not wot of in that mysterious overcoming 
of circumstances by great individuals : that apt and won 
drous conjuncture of the Hour and the Man ; and so, for 
my part, when I heard the above remark of one of the 
archers, that Otto had never a feather in his bonnet, I felt 
sure that a heron would spring up in the next sentence to 
supply him with an aigrette. 

And such indeed was the fact : rising out of a morass by 
which the archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching 
his neck, swelling his crest, placing his legs behind him, 
and his beak and red eyes against the wind, rose slowly, 
and offered the fairest mark in the world. 

"Shoot, Otto," said one of the archers. "You would 
not shoot just now at a crow because it was a foul bird, nor 
at a hawk because it was a noble bird ; bring us down yon 
heron: it flies slowly." 

But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoe-string, 
and Rudolf, the third best of the archers, shot at the bird 
and missed it. 

" Shoot, Otto," said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken 
a liking to the young archer: "the bird is getting fur 
ther and further. " 

But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig 
he had just cut. Max, the second best archer, shot and 
missed. 

"Then," said Wolfgang, "I must try myself: a plague 
on you, young springald, you have lost a noble chance ! 

Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot 
at the bird. "It is out of distance," said he, "and a mur 
rain on the bird ! 

Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow- 
stick (having carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon 
it), flung the twig down and said carelessly, "Out of dis 
tance ! Pshaw ! We have two minutes yet," and fell to 
asking riddles and cutting jokes ; to which none of the 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 269 

archers listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in 
air, watching the retreating bird. 

"Where shall I hit him? " said Otto. 

"Go to," said Rudolf, u thou canst see no limb of him: 
he is no bigger than a flea." 

" Here goes for his right eye ! " said Otto ; and stepping 
forward in the English manner (which his godfather hav 
ing learnt in Palestine, had taught him), he brought his 
bowstring to his ear, took a good aim, allowing for the 
wind, and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whizz! 
his arrow went off. 

He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a 
head of Rudolf at the other end, chatting and laughing, 
and singing a ballad the while. 

The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards 
with their noses in the air, at last brought them down from 
the perpendicular to the horizontal position, and said, 
"Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The arrow s lost; let s go! 

" Heads ! cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen 
rapidly descending from the heavens ; it grew to be as big 
as a crown-piece, then as a partridge, then as a tea-kettle, 
and flop ! down fell a magnificent heron to the ground, 
flooring poor Max in its fall. 

"/Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang," said Otto, 
without looking at the bird : " wipe it and put in back into 
my quiver." 

The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right 
through the pupil. 

"Are you in league with Der Freischutz? ; said Rudolf, 
quite amazed 

Otto laughing whistled the "Huntsman s Chorus," and 
said, "No, my friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky 
shot. I was taught shooting, look you, in the fashion of 
merry England, where the archers are archers indeed." 

And so he cut off the heron s wing for a plume for his 
hat ; and the archers walked on, much amazed, and say 
ing, " What a wonderful country that merry England must 
be!" 



270 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

Far from feeling any envy at their comrade s success, 
the jolly archers recognised his superiority with pleasure ; 
and Wolfgang and Rudolf especially held out their hands 
to the younker, and besought the honour of his friendship. 
They continued their walk all day, and when night fell 
made choice of a good hostel, you may be sure, where over 
beer, punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to 
the health of the Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other s 
healths all round. Next day they resumed their march, 
and continued it without interruption, except to take in a 
supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on 
these occasions that Otto, young as he was, could eat four 
times as much as the oldest archer present, and drink to 
correspond) ; and these continued refreshments having 
given them more than ordinary strength, they determined 
on. making rather a long march of it, and did not halt till 
after nightfall at the gates of the little town of Windeck. 

What was to be done? the town gates were shut. "Is 
there no hostel, no castle where we can sleep? :9 asked Otto 
of the sentinel at the gate. " I am so hungry that in lack 
of better food I think I could eat my grandmamma." 

The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of 
hunger, and said, " You had best go sleep at the Castle of 
Windeck yonder ; " adding, with a peculiarly knowing look, 
"Nobody will disturb you there." 

At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and 
showed on a hill hard by a castle indeed but the skeleton 
of a castle. The roof was gone, the windows were dis 
mantled, the towers were tumbling, and the cold moonlight 
pierced it through and through. One end of the building 
was, however, still covered in, and stood looking still more 
frowning, vast, and gloomy, even than the other part of 
the edifice. 

" There is a lodging, certainly," said Otto to the sentinel, 
who pointed towards the castle with his bartizan ; " but tell 
me, good fellow, what are we to do for a supper? 3 

" Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you," said 
the man-at-arms with a grin, and marched up the embra- 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 271 

sure; the while the archers, taking counsel among them 
selves, debated whether or not they should take up their 
quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice. 

" We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there, " said 
young Otto. "Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are 
thirty gallant fellows, and I have heard the garrison is not 
more than three hundred." But the rest of the party 
thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap 
one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep igno 
bly and without victuals, than dare the assault with Otto, 
and die, or conquer something comfortable. 

One and all then made their way towards the castle. 
They entered its vast and silent halls, frightening the owls 
and bats that fled before them with hideous hootings and 
flappings of wings, and passing by a multiplicity of mouldy 
stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety corridors, at last 
came to an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as it 
was, appeared to be in rather better condition than the 
neighbouring chambers, and they therefore selected it as 
their place of rest for the night. They then tossed up 
which should mount guard. The first two hours of watch 
fell to Otto, who was to be succeeded by his young though 
humble friend Wolfgang; and, accordingly, the Childe of 
Godesberg, drawing his dirk, began to pace upon his weary 
round ; while his comrades, by various gradations of snor 
ing, told how profoundly they slept, spite of their lack of 
supper. 

Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble 
Childe as he performed his two hours watch ; what gush 
ing memories poured into his full soul; what "sweet and 
bitter " recollections of home inspired his throbbing heart ; 
and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him. up. 
"Youth is ever confident," says the bard. Happy, happy 
season ! The moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the 
twinkling stars looked friendly down upon him. Confid 
ing in their youthful sentinel, sound slept the valorous 
toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back again, 
marched on the noble Childe. At length his repeater told 



272 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

him, much to his satisfaction, that it was half-past eleven, 
the hour when his watch was to cease ; and so, giving a 
playful kick to the slumbering Wolfgang, that good-hu 
moured fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing his 
sword, proceeded to relieve Otto. 

The latter laid him down for warmth s sake on the very 
spot which his comrade had left, and for some time could 
not sleep. Eealities and visions then began to mingle in 
his mind, till he scarce knew which was which. He dozed 
for a minute ; then he woke with a start ; then he went off 
again ; then woke up again. In one of these half -sleeping 
moments he thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in 
white, gliding into the room, and beckoning Wolfgang 
from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At that 
moment twelve o clock clanged from the town, and Otto 
started up. 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 273 



CHAPTER IX. 

THE LADY OF WINDECK. 

As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang 
the Archer, pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale 
female figure. He did not know whence she came : but 
there suddenly she stood close to him. Her blue, clear, 
glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of fault 
less beauty ; her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue, 
ere yet the sculptor s love had given it life. A smile 
played upon her features, but it was no warmer than the 
reflection of a moonbeam on a lake ; and yet it was won 
drous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of 
young Wolfgang. He stared at the lovely apparition with 
fixed eyes and distended jaws. She looked at him with in 
effable archness. She lifted one beautifully rounded ala 
baster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon him towards 
her. Did Wolfgang the young and lusty Wolfgang fol 
low? Ask the iron whether it follows the magnet? ask 
the pointer whether it pursues the partridge through the 
stubble? ask the youth whether the lollypop-shop does 
not attract him? Wolfgang did follow. An antique door 
opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they 
saw quite plain ; they passed through the innumerable an 
cient chambers, and yet they did not wake any of the owls 
and bats roosting there. We know not through how many 
apartments the young couple passed ; but at last they came 
to one where a feast was prepared ; and on an antique table, 
covered with massive silver, covers were laid for two. 
The lady took her place at one end of the table, and with 
her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to the other seat. 
He took it. The table was small, and their knees met. 
He felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against 
an ice-well. 



274 A LEGEND OP THE RHINE. 

" Gallant archer," said she, " you must be hungry after 
your day s march. What supper will you have? Shall it 
be a delicate lobster salad? or a dish of elegant tripe and 
onions? or a slice of boar s-head and truffles? or a Welsh 
rabbit a la cave au cidre ? or a beefsteak and shallot? or 
a couple of rognons a la brochette ? Speak, brave bowyer : 
you have but to order." 

As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver 
dish, Wolfgang thought that the lady who proposed such 
a multiplicity of delicacies to him was only laughing at 
him ; so he determined to try her with something extremely 
rare. 

"Fair princess," he said, "I should like very much a 
pork chop and some mashed potatoes." 

She lifted the cover : there was such a pork chop as Simp 
son never served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that 
would have formed at least six portions in our degenerate 
days in Eupert Street. 

When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady 
put the cover on the dish again, and watched him eating 
with interest. He was for some time too much occupied 
with his own food to remark that his companion did not 
eat a morsel ; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone ; 
the shining silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with 
his knife, and heaving a great sigh, he confessed a humble 
desire for something to drink. 

" Call for what you like, sweet sir," said the lady, lift 
ing up a silver filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, 
ornamented with gold. 

"Then," said Master Wolfgang for the fellow s tastes 
were, in sooth, very humble "I call for half-and-half." 
According to his wish, a pint of that delicious beverage 
was poured from the bottle, foaming, into his beaker. 

Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on 
his conscience it was the best tap he ever knew in his life, 
the young man felt his appetite renewed ; and it is impos 
sible to say how many different dishes he called for. Only 
e.nchantment > he was afterwards heard to declare (though 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 275 

none of his friends believed him) , could have given him 
the appetite he possessed on that extraordinary night. He 
called for another pork chop and potatoes, then for pickled 
salmon ; then he thought he would try a devilled turkey 
wing. "I adore the devil," said he. 

" So do I," said the pale lady, with unwonted anima 
tion ; and the dish was served straightway. It was suc 
ceeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted cheese, and what 
was most remarkable every one of the dishes which he 
desired came from under the same silver cover : which cir 
cumstance, when he had partaken of about fourteen differ 
ent articles, he began to find rather mysterious. 

"Oh/ 7 said the pale lady, with a smile, "the mystery is 
easily accounted for : the servants hear you, and the kitchen 
is below." But this did not account for the manner in 
which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch (both gin and 
rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with cucum 
ber to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from 
which the lady had first poured out his pint of half-and-half. 

* There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio," 
said his arch entertainer, when he put this question to her, 
than are dreamt of in your philosophy " : and, sooth to 
say, the archer was by this time in such a state, that he 
did not find anything wonderful more. 

"Are you happy, dear youth? " said the lady, as, after 
his collation, he sank back in his chair. 

"Oh, miss, ain t I! " was his interrogative and yet affir 
mative reply. 

" Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang? " 
continued the pale one. 

"Why, no, 7 said he; "no, not exactly; not every night: 
some nights I should like oysters." 

; Dear youth," said she, "be but mine, and you may 
have them all the year round ! " The unhappy boy was 
too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise this extraordi 
nary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious 
company. A person who can offer oysters all the year 
round can live to no good purpose. 



276 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

" Shall I sing you a song, dear archer ? " said the 
lady. 

" Sweet love ! " said he, now much excited, " strike up 
and I will join the chorus." 

She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. 
Twas a sweet and wild one. It told how a lady of high 
lineage cast her eyes on a peasant page ; it told how nought 
could her love assuage, her suitor s wealth and her father s 
rage ! it told how the youth did his foes engage ; and at 
length they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born 
dame and the peasant page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled 
his head, sung woefully out of tune as the song proceeded ; 
and if he had not been too intoxicated with love and other 
excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on 
the wall, as the lady sang, began to waggle their heads 
too, and nod and grin to the music. The song ended. "I 
am the lady of high lineage : Archer, will you be the peas 
ant page? " 

" I ll follow you to the devil ! " said Wolfgang. 

"Come," replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, "come 
to the chapel ; we ll be married this minute ! * 

She held out her hand Wolfgang took it. It was cold, 
damp, deadly cold ; and on they went to the chapel. 

As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a 
gentleman and lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, 
skipped noiselessly down to the ground, and making the 
retreating couple a profound curtsey and bow, took the 
places which they had left at the table. 

Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the 
chapel, threading innumerable passages, and passing 
through chambers of great extent. As they came along, 
all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their frames to 
follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a 
bust, frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs, 
his pedestal would not move ; and several sticking-plaster 
profiles of the former Lords of Windeck looked quite black 
at being, for similar reasons, compelled to keep their places. 
However, there was a goodly procession formed behind 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 277 

Wolfgang and his bride ; and by the time they reached the 
church, they had near a hundred followers. 

The church was splendidly illuminated ; the old banners 
of the old knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane. 
The organ set up of itself to play the "Bridesmaids 
Chorus." The choir-chairs were filled with people in black. 

"Come, love," said the pale lady. 

"I don t see the parson," exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of 
himself rather alarmed. 

"Oh, the parson! that s the easiest thing in the world! 
I say, bishop ! " said the lady, stooping down. 

Stooping down and to what? Why, upon my word 
and honour, to a great brass plate on the floor, over which 
they were passing, and on which was engraven the figure of 
a bishop and a very ugly bishop, too with crosier and 
mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal 
ring. "Do, my dear lord, come and marry us," said the 
lady, with a levity which shocked the feelings of her bride 
groom. 

The bishop got up ; and directly he rose, a dean, who 
was sleeping under a large slate near him, came bowing 
and cringing up to him j while a canon of the cathedral 
(whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning and mak 
ing fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and 
. . 

As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and 
remarked the absence of his companion Wolfgang. The 
idea he had had, that his friend disappeared in company 
with a white-robed female, struck him more and more. " I 
will follow them," said he; and, calling to the next on the 
watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his 
sleep), he rushed away by the door through which he had 
seen Wolfgang and his temptress take their way. 

That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle 
was vast, the chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, 
and what wonder that, after he had once lost sight of them, 
the intrepid Childe should not be able to follow in their 
steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door, 



278 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

and wandered for at least three hours about the dark enor 
mous solitary castle, calling out Wolfgang s name to the 
careless and indifferent echoes, knocking his young shins 
against the ruins scattered in the darkness, but still with 
a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm, resolution to aid his 
absent comrade. Brave Otto ! thy exertions were rewarded 
at last ! 

For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where 
Wolfgang had partaken of supper, and where the old couple 
who had been in the picture-frames, and turned out to be 
the lady s father and mother, were now sitting at the table. 

" Well, Bertha has got a husband at last," said the lady. 

" After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for 
one, it was quite time," said the gentleman. (He was 
dressed in powder and a pigtail, quite in the old fashion.) 

"The husband is no great things," continued the lady, 
taking snuff. "A low fellow, my dear; a butcher s son, I 
believe. Did you see how the wretch ate at supper? To 
think ray daughter should have to marry an archer ! 

"There are archers and archers/ said the old man. 
" Some archers are snobs, as your Ladyship states ; some, 
on the contrary, are gentlemen by birth, at least, though 
not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the Landgrave of 
Godesberg s son, who is listening at the door like a lacquey, 
and whom I intend to run through the " 

" Law, Baron ! " said the lady. 

"I will, though," replied the Baron, drawing an immense 
sword, and glaring round at Otto ; but though at the sight 
of that sword and that scowl a less valorous youth would 
have taken to his heels, the undaunted Childe advanced at 
once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a relic 
of Saint Buffo (the tip of the saint s ear, which had been 
cut off at Constantinople). " Fiends ! I command you to 
retreat ! " said he, holding up this sacred charm, which his 
mamma had fastened on him ; and at the sight of it, with 
an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the Baroness 
sprang back into their picture-frames, as clown goes through 
a clock in a pantomime. 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 279 

He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky 
Wolfgang had passed with his demoniacal bride, and went 
on and on through the vast gloomy chambers lighted by the 
ghastly moonshine : the noise of the organ in the chapel, 
the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him tow 
ards that edifice. He rushed to the door : twas barred ! 
He knocked : the beadles were deaf. He applied his ines 
timable relic to the lock, and whizz ! crash ! clang ! bang ! 
whang ! the gate flew open ! the organ went off in a fugue 
the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went off 
towards the ceiling the ghosts assembled rushed away 
with a skurry and a scream the bride howled, and van 
ished the fat bishop waddled back under his brass plate 
the dean flounced down into his family vault and the 
canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual, 
on the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his 
epigram, and to disappear into the void whence he came. 

Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled 
lifeless down at the altar-steps ; and in this situation the 
archers, when they arrived, found the two youths. They 
were resuscitated, as we scarce need say ; but when, in in 
coherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale, 
some sceptics among the archers said " Pooh ! they were 
intoxicated!" while others, nodding their older heads, ex 
claimed " They have seen the Lady of Windeck ! " and re 
called the stories of many other young men, who, inveigled 
by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, 
and had disappeared for ever ! 

This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his 
gallant preserver ; and the archers it being now morning, 
and the cocks crowing lustily round about pursued their 
way without further delay to the castle of the noble patron 
of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves. 



280 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTER X. 

THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN. 

ALTHOUGH there lay an immense number of castles and 
abbeys between Windeck and Cleves, for every one of 
which the guide-books have a legend and a ghost, who 
might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made 
to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey 
would be thus almost interminable, let us cut it short by 
saying that the travellers reached Cleves without any fur 
ther accident, and found the place thronged with visitors 
for the meeting next day. 

And here it would be easy to describe the company which 
arrived, and make display of antiquarian lore. Now we 
would represent a cavalcade of knights arriving, with their 
pages carrying their shining helms of gold, and the stout 
esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive 
a fat abbot on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white- 
robed companions of his convent. Here should come the 
gleeinen and jongleurs, the minstrels, the mountebanks, the 
particoloured gipsies, the dark-eyed, nut-brown Zigeuner- 
innen ; then a troop of peasants chanting Khine-songs, and 
leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls 
from the vine-lands. Next we would depict the litters 
blazoned with armorial bearings, from between the broid- 
ered curtains of which peeped out the swan-like necks and 
the haughty faces of the blonde ladies of the castles. But 
for these descriptions we have not space ; and the reader is 
referred to the account of the tournament in the ingenious 
novel of " Ivanhoe " where the above phenomena are de 
scribed at length. Suffice it to say, that Otto and his com 
panions arrived at the town of Cleves, and, hastening to a 
hostel, reposed themselves after the day s march, and pre 
pared them for the encounter of the morrow. 

That morrow came : and as the sports were to begin 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 281 

early, Otto and his comrades hastened to the field, armed 
with their best bows and arrows, you may be sure, and 
eager to distinguish themselves; as were the multitude of 
other archers assembled. They were from all neighbour 
ing countries crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed 
with Murray s guide-books, troops of chattering French 
men, Frankfort Jews with roulette-tables, and Tyrolese 
with gloves and trinkets all hied towards the field where 
the butts were set up, and the archery practice was to be 
held. The Childe and his brother archers were, it need 
not be said, early on the ground. 

But what words of mine can describe the young gentle 
man s emotion when, preceded by a band of trumpets, bag 
pipes, ophicleides, and other wind instruments, the Prince 
of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his daughter? 
And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do jus 
tice to the beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm 
which decorates the person, every virtue which ornaments 
the mind, every accomplishment which renders charming 
mind and charming person doubly charming, and then you 
will have but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of Her 
Highness the Princess Helen. Fancy a complexion such 
as they say (I know not with what justice) Rowland s 
Kalydor imparts to the users of that cosmetic ; fancy teeth 
to which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals ; eyes, which 
were so blue, tender, and bright, that while they ran you 
through with their lustre, they healed you with their kind 
ness ; a neck and waist, so ravishingly slender and grace 
ful, that the least that is said about them the better ; a foot 
which fell upon the flowers no heavier than a dewdrop and 
this charming person set off by the most elegant toilet that 
ever milliner devised ! The lovely Helen s hair (which was 
as black as the finest varnish for boots) was so long, that it 
was borne on a cushion several yards behind her by the 
maidens of her train ; and a hat, set off with moss-roses, 
sunflowers, bugles, birds-of -paradise, gold lace, and pink 
ribbon, gave her a distingue air, which would have set the 
editor of the Morning Post mad with love. 



282 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of 
Godesberg, as leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs 
crossed, he stood and gazed on her, as Cupid gazed on 
Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both of 
them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding 
to the cheek of either. A simultaneous throb beat in those 
young hearts ! They loved each other for ever from that 
instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged, enraptured, leaning 
on his ivory bow ; but Helen, calling to a maiden for her 
pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in 
order to hide her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty 
ones! I am old now; but not so old but that I kindle at 
the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too has lived and 
loved. Heigho ! 

Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon 
are seated the Princess and the stout old lord her father? 
Who is he whose hair is of the carroty hue whose eyes, 
across a snubby bunch of a nose, are perpetually scowling 
at each other ; who has a humpback, and a hideous mouth, 
surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yel 
low odious teeth? Although he wears a sky-blue doublet 
laced with silver, it only serves to render his vulgar punchy 
figure doubly ridiculous ; although his nether garment is 
of salmon-coloured velvet, it only draws the more attention 
to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and bandy. A 
rose-coloured hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, 
looks absurd on his bull-head ; and though it is time of 
peace, the wretch is armed with a multiplicity of daggers, 
knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres, and scimitars, which 
testify his truculent and bloody disposition. ? Tis the ter 
rible Eowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschrecken- 
stein. Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely 
Helen. He addresses various speeches of gallantry to her 
and grins hideously as he thrusts his disgusting head over 
her lily shoulder. But she turns away from him ! turns 
and shudders ay, as she would at a black dose ! 

Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. 
" What is the prize? " asks one archer of another. There 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 283 

are two prizes a velvet cap, embroidered by the hand of 
the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of enormous 
value. Both lie on cushions before her. 

"I know which I shall choose, when I win the first 
prize," says a swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer, 
who bears the owl gules on a black shield, the cognisance 
of the Lord Eowski de Donnerblitz. 

" Which, fellow? " says Otto, turning fiercely upon him. 

" The chain, to be sure ! " says the leering archer. " You 
do not suppose I am such a flat as to choose that velvet 
ginicrack there ? Otto laughed in scorn, and began to 
prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed that 
the sports were about to commence. 

Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already 
been done in the novel of "Ivanhoe" before mentioned. 
Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln green, all coming forward 
in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit, some missed ; 
those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of 
the multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new 
trials of skill ; but it was easy to see, from the first, that 
the battle lay between Squintoff (the Eowski archer) and 
the young hero with the golden hair and the ivory bow. 
Squin toff s fame as a marksman was known throughout 
Europe ; but who was his young competitor? Ah ! there 
was one heart in the assembly that beat most anxiously to 
know. Twas Helen s. 

The crowning trial arrived. The bull s-eye of the tar 
get, set up at three-quarters of a mile distance from the 
archers, was so small, that it required a very clever man 
indeed to see, much more to hit it ; and as Squintoff was 
selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Eowski flung a 
purse of gold towards his archer, saying " Squintoff, an 
ye win the prize, the purse is thine." "I may as well 
pocket it at once, your honour," said the bowman, with a 
sneer at Otto. " This young chick, who has been lucky as 
yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that." And, taking 
his aim, Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very- 
middle of the bull s-eye. 



284 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

"Can you mend that, young springald?" said he, as a 
shout rent the air at his success, as Helen turned pale to 
think that the champion of her secret heart was likely to 
be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the Rowski s 
money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg. 

" Has anybody got a pea? " asked the lad. Everybody 
laughed at his droll request ; and an old woman, who was 
selling porridge in the crowd, handed him the vegetable 
which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto, 
stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his 
arrow from the bull s-eye, and placed in the orifioe made by 
the steel point of the shaft, the pea which he had received 
from the old woman. He then came back to his place. 
As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by emo 
tion, that twas thought she would have fainted. Never, 
never had she seen a being so beautiful as the young hero 
now before her. 

He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clus 
ters of hair from his bright eyes and tall forehead ; the 
blush of health mantled on his cheek, from which the bar 
ber s weapon had never shorn the down. He took his bow, 
and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself 
lightly on his right leg, he flung himself forward, raising 
his left leg on a level with his ear. He looked like Apollo, 
as he stood balancing himself there. He discharged his 
dart from the thrumming bowstring : it clove the blue air 
whizz ! 

" He has split the pea ! " said the Princess, and fainted. 
The Kowski, with one eye, hurled an indignant look at the 
boy, while with the other he levelled (if aught so crooked 
can be said to level anything) a furious glance at his archer. 

The archer swore a sulky oath. " He is the better man ! 
said he. "I suppose, young chap, you take the gold 
chain? 

"The gold chain! " said Otto. "Prefer a gold chain to 
a cap worked by that august hand? Never ! And ad 
vancing to the balcony where the Princess, who now came 
to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before her, and re- 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 285 

ceived the velvet cap ; which, blushing as scarlet as the cap 
itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden ringlets. 
Once more their eyes met their hearts thrilled. They 
had never spoken, but they knew they loved each other for 
ever. 

"Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donner- 
blitz? " said that individual to the youth. "Thou shalt be 
captain of my archers in place of yon blundering nincom 
poop, whom thou hast overcome." 

"Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant 
archer," replied Otto haughtily; "and I will not take ser 
vice with the Rowski of Donnerblitz." 

" Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves? 
said the father of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused 
at the haughtiness of the humble archer. 

" I would die for the Duke of Cleves and his family " 
said Otto, bowing low. He laid a particular and a tender 
emphasis on the word family. Helen knew what he 
meant She was the family. In fact, her mother was no 
more, and her papa had no other offspring. 

" What is thy name, good fellow," said the Prince, "that 
my steward may enrol thee? 

"Sir," said Otto, again blushing, "I am OTTO THE 
ARCHER. " 



286 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTER XI: " 

THE MARTYR OF LOVE. 

THE archers who had travelled in company with young 
Otto, gave a handsome dinner in compliment to the success 
of our hero ; at which his friend distinguished himself as 
usual in the eating and drinking department. Squintoff, 
the Eowski bowman, declined to attend ; so great was the 
envy of the brute at the youthful hero s superiority. As 
for Otto himself, he sat on the right hand of the chairman j 
but it was remarked that he could not eat. Gentle reader 
of my page ! thou knowest why full well. He was too much 
in love to have any appetite ; for though I myself, when 
labouring under that passion, never found my consumption 
of victuals diminish, yet remember our Otto was a hero of 
romance, and they never are hungry when they re in love. 

The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enrol 
himself in the corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, 
and with him came his attached squire, who vowed he 
never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own ele 
gant dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves, 
the noble Childe sighed not a little. Twas a splendid uni 
form, tis true, but still it was a livery, and one of his 
proud spirit ill bears another s cognisance. "They are the 
colours of the Princess, however," said he, consoling him 
self ; " and what suffering would I not undergo for her ? ): 
As for Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that 
the good-natured low-born fellow had no such scruples ; 
but he was glad enough to exchange for the pink hose, the 
yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and orange-tawny hat, 
with which the Duke s steward supplied him, the homely 
patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past. 

" Look at yon two archers," said the Prince of Cleves to 
his guest the Eowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 287 

i 

on the battlements after dinner, smoking their cigars as 
usual. His Highness pointed to our two young friends, who 
were mounting guard for the first time. "See yon two 
bowmen mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat 
thy Squintoff, and t other, an I mistake not, won the third 
prize at the butts. Both wear the same uniform the col 
ours of my house yet, wouldst not swear that the one was 
but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman? 

" Which looks like the nobleman? " said the Eowski, as 
black as thunder. 

" Which ? why, young Otto, to be sure," said the Prin 
cess Helen eagerly. The young lady was following the 
pair ; but under pretence of disliking the odour of the cigar, 
she had refused the Kowski s proffered arm, and was loi 
tering behind with her parasol. 

Her interposition in favour of her young protege only 
made the black and jealous Rowski more ill-humoured. 
"How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves," said he, "that the 
churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear the 
ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear 
ringlets such as yon springald s? Ho, archer! " roared he, 
"come hither, fellow." And Otto stood before him. As 
he came, and presenting arms stood respectfully before the 
Prince and his savage guest, he looked for one moment at 
the lovely Helen their eyes met, their hearts beat simul 
taneously : and, quick, two little blushes appeared in the 
cheek of either. I have seen one ship at sea answering 
another s signal so. 

While they are so regarding each other, let us just re 
mind our readers of the great estimation in which the hair 
was held in the North. Only nobles were permitted to 
wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a shaving 
was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains 
or vassals who sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius 
Tonsor; Hirsutus de Nobilitate Capillari; Eolandus de 
Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart ; Frisirische Alterthums- 
kunde, etc. 

" We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow," 
13 Vol. 19 



288 A. LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

* 

said the Duke of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to 
spare the feelings of his gallant recruit. " Tis against the 
regulation cut of my archer guard." 

"Cut off my hair! " cried Otto, agonised, 

"Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel," roared Donnerblitz. 

"Peace, uoble Eulenschreckenstein," said the Duke with 
dignity : " let the Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his 
own men-at-arms. And you, young sir, unloose the grip 
of thy dagger." 

Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, 
with intent to plunge it into the heart of the Kowski ; but 
his politer feelings overcame him. "The Count need not 
fear, my Lord, " said he : "a lady is present. " And he 
took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah ! what 
a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought 
that those lovely ringlets must be shorn from that beauti 
ful head ! 

Otto s mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a 
gentleman let us add, his pride as a man for who is not, 
let us ask, proud of a good head of. hair? waged war with 
in his soul. He expostulated with the Prince. " It was 
never in my contemplation," he said, "on taking service, 
to undergo the operation of hair-cutting." 

" Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer, " said the Prince 
pettishly. " I will have no churls imitating noblemen in 
my service : I will bandy no conditions with archers of my 
guard. " 

" My resolve is taken," said Otto, irritated too in his 
turn. " I will " 

" What? cried Helen, breathless with intense agita 
tion. 

"I will stay," answered Otto. The poor girl almost 
fainted with joy. The Kowski frowned with demoniac 
fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in the horrible 
German jargon, stalked away. " So be it," said the Prince 
of Cleves, taking his daughter s arm "and here comes 
Snipwitz, my barber, who shall do the business for you." 
With this the Prince too moved on, feeling in his heart not 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 289 

a little compassion for the lad ; for Adolf of Cleves had 
been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the or 
nament of which he was now depriving his archer. 

Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there 
in a word operated upon him. The golden curls fair 
curls that his mother had so often played with ! fell under 
the shears and round the lad s knees, until he looked as if 
he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams. 

When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who 
entered the little chamber in the tower ringleted like 
Apollo, issued from it as cropped as a charity-boy. 

See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is 
over ! And no wonder. He was thinking what would be 
Helen s opinion of him, now that one of his chief personal 
ornaments was gone. "Will she know me? 3 thought he; 
" will she love me after this hideous mutilation? 3 

Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather 
unwilling to be seen by his comrades, now that he was so 
disfigured, the young gentleman had hidden himself behind 
one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to natural despond 
ency; when he saw something which instantly restored 
him to good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming 
towards the chamber where the odious barber had per 
formed upon him coming forward timidly, looking round 
her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation, and 
presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she en 
tered the apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what 
was Otto s joy when he saw her pick up a beautiful golden 
lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and then hide it in 
her bosom ! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen 
did when she came out after performing this feat. Then 
she hurried straightway to her own apartments in the cas 
tle, and Otto, whose first impulse was to come out from his 
hiding-place, and, falling at her feet, call heaven and earth 
to witness to his passion, with difficulty restrained his feel 
ings and let her pass ; but the love-stricken young hero was 
so delighted with this evident proof of reciprocated attach 
ment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at once left him, 



290 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair, but his 
head, if need were, to do her service. 

That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation 
took place in the castle, on account of the sudden departure 
of the Eowski of Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train 
and equipage. He went away in the greatest wrath, it was 
said, after a long and loud conversation with the Prince. 
As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking 
rather demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gath 
ered his attendants in the court, and there mounted his 
charger, the Eowski ordered his trumpets to sound, and 
scornfully flung a largesse of gold among the servitors and 
men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were marshalled 
in the court. "Farewell, Sir Prince," said he to his host: 
" I quit you now suddenly ; but remember, it is not my last 
visit to the Castle of Cleves." And ordering his band to 
play " See the Conquering Hero conies," he clattered away 
through the drawbridge. The Princess Helen was not 
present at his departure ; and the venerable Prince of Cleves 
looked rather moody and chapfallen when his guest left 
him. He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately 
that night, and inquired of his officers the state of the 
ammunition, provisions, etc. He said nothing; but the 
Princess Helen s maid did: and everybody knew that the 
Eowski had made his proposals, had been rejected, and, 
getting up in a violent fury, had called for his people, and 
sworn by his great gods that he would not enter the castle 
again until he rode over the breach, lance in hand, the 
conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it. 

No little consternation was spread through the garrison 
at the news : for everybody knew the Eowski to be one of 
the most intrepid and powerful soldiers in all Germany one 
of the most skilful generals. Generous to extravagance to 
his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy : a hun 
dred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised 
by him in several towns and castles which he had captured 
and sacked. And poor Helen had the pain of thinking, 
that in consequence of her refusal she was dooming all the 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 291 

men, women, and children of the principality to indiscrimi 
nate and horrible slaughter. 

The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few 
days dreadful confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy 
Prince of Cleves was taking his dinner (though the honest 
warrior had had little appetite for that meal for some time 
past), when trumpets were heard at the gate ; and presently 
the herald of the Eowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard 
on which the arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the 
dining-hall. A page bore a steel gauntlet on a cushion ; 
Bleu Sanglier had his hat on his head. The Prince of 
Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to the chair 
of state where the sovereign sat 

"Silence for Bleu Sanglier," cried the Prince gravely. 
" Say your say, Sir Herald." 

" In the name of the high and mighty Eowski, Prince of 
Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of 
Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt, and Galgenhiigel, Hereditary 
Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Eoman Empire to you, 
Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier, 
bring war and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or 
twenty to twenty in field or in fort, on plain or on moun 
tain, the noble Eowski defies you. Here, or wherever he 
shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death between you 
and him. In token whereof, here is his glove." And tak 
ing the steel glove from the page, Bleu Boar flung it clang 
ing on the marble floor. 

The Princess Helen turned deadly pale : but the Prince, 
with a good assurance, flung down his own glove, calling 
upon some one to raise the Eowski s: which Otto accord 
ingly took up and presented, to him, on his knee. 

" Boteler, fill my goblet," said the Prince to that func 
tionary, who, clothed in tight black hose, with a white 
kerchief, and a napkin on his dexter arm stood obsequi 
ously by his master s chair. The goblet was filled with 
Malvoisie : it held about three quarts ; a precious golden 
hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Flor 
entine. 



292 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

"Drink, Bleu Sanglier," said the Prince, "and put the 
goblet in thy bosoni. Wear this chain, furthermore, for 
my sake." And so saying, Prince Adolf flung a precious 
chain of emeralds round the herald s neck. "An invita 
tion to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves." 
So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu 
Sanglier s retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daugh 
ter. All were marvelling at his dignity, courage, and 
generosity. 

But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince 
Adolf was far from tranquil. He was no longer the stal 
wart knight who, in the reign of Stanislaus Augustus, had, 
with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death in three minutes : 
and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two 
hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were 
assailing it. Those deeds which had made the heir of 
Cleves famous were done thirty years syne. A free liver 
since he had come into his principality, and of a lazy turn, 
he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made 
him in youth so famous a champion, and indolence had 
borne its usual fruits. He tried his old battle-sword that 
famous blade with which, in Palestine, he had cut an ele 
phant-driver in two pieces, and split asunder the skull of 
the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could scarcely 
now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armour. 
It was too tight for him. And the old soldier burst into 
tears when he found he could not buckle it. Such a man 
was not fit to encounter the terrible Eowski in single 
combat. 

Nor could he hope to make head against him for any 
time in the field. The Prince s territories were small; his 
vassals proverbially lazy and peaceable ; his treasury empty. 
The dismallest prospects were before him : and he passed 
a sleepless night writing to his friends for succour, and cal 
culating with his secretary the small amount of the re 
sources which he could bring to aid him against his advanc 
ing and powerful enemy 

Helen s pillow that evening was also un visited by slum- 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 293 

ber. She lay awake thinking of Otto, thinking of the 
danger and the ruin her refusal to marry had brought upon 
her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but his waking 
thoughts were brilliant and heroic : the noble Childe thought 
how he should defend the Princess, and win los and hon 
our in the ensuing combat. 



294 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 



CHAPTEK XII. 

THE CHAMPION. 

AND now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to pre 
pare his castle for the threatened siege. He gathered in 
all the available cattle round the property, and the pigs 
round many miles ; and a dreadful slaughter of horned and 
snouted animals took place, the whole castle resounding 
with the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the grunt- 
lings, destined to provide food for the garrison. These, 
when slain (her gentle spirit, of course, would not allow of 
her witnessing that disagreeable operation), the lovely Hel 
en, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted and 
pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the 
Prince paying for the same when he had money, giving 
bills when he could get credit, or occasionally, marry, send 
ing out a few stout men-at-arms to forage, who brought in 
wheat without money or credit either. The charming 
Princess, amidst the intervals of her labours, went about 
encouraging the garrison, who vowed to a man they would 
die for a single sweet sinile of hers ; and in order to make 
their inevitable sufferings as easy as possible to the gallant 
fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a plenty of 
efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint to 
bind their warriors wounds withal. All the fortifications 
were strengthened ; the fosses carefully filled with spikes 
and water ; large stones placed over the gates, convenient 
to tumble on the heads of the assaulting parties ; and caul 
drons prepared, with furnaces to melt up pitch, brimstone, 
boiling oil, etc., wherewith hospitably to receive them. 
Having the keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto 
was placed on the topmost tower, to watch for the expected 
coming of the beleaguering host. 

They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 295 

spears were seen glittering in the distance, and the army 
of the Rowski soon made its appearance in battle s magnifi 
cently stern array. The tents of the renowned chief and 
his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot of 
the castle, but in fearful proximity ; and when his army 
had taken up its position, an officer with a flag of truce 
and a trumpet was seen advancing to the castle gate. It 
was the same herald who had previously borne his master s 
defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once more to 
the castle gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count 
of Eulenschreckenstein was in arms without, ready to do 
battle with the Prince of Cleves, or his champion ; that he 
would remain in arms for three days, ready for combat. 
If no man met him at the end of that period, he would 
deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single 
soul in the garrison. So saying, the herald nailed his 
lord s gauntlet on the castle gate. As before, the Prince 
flung him over another glove from, the wall ; though how 
he was to defend himself from such a warrior, or get a 
champion, or resist the pitiless assault that must follow, 
the troubled old nobleman knew not in the least. 

The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vow 
ing tons of wax candles to all the patron saints of the 
House of Cleves, if they would raise her up a defender. 

But how did the noble girl s heart sink how were her 
notions of the purity of man shaken within her gentle 
bosom, by the dread intelligence which reached her the 
next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski ! At roll- 
call it was discovered that he on whom she principally re 
lied he whom her fond heart had singled out as her cham 
pion, had proved faithless ! 

Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolf 
gang, had gone with him. A rope was found dangling 
from the casement of their chamber, and they must have 
swum the moat and passed over to the enemy in the dark 
ness of the previous night. "A pretty lad was this fair- 
spoken archer of thine ! " said the Prince her father to her ; 
" and a pretty kettle of fish hast thou cooked for the fond- 



296 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

est of fathers." She retired weeping to her apartment. 
Never before had that young heart felt so wretched. 

That morning, at nine o clock, as they were going to 
breakfast, the Rowski s trumpets sounded. Clad in com 
plete armour, and mounted on his enormous piebald charger, 
he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly up and down 
in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a 
champion. 

Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the 
same notes of defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad 
Rowski come forth challenging the combat. The first day 
passed, and there was no answer to his summons. The 
second day came and went, but no champion had risen to 
defend. The taunt of his shrill clarion remained without 
answer; and the sun went down upon the wretchedest 
father and daughter in all the land of Christendom. 

The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour 
after noon, and an hour before sunset. The third day 
came, but with it brought no hope. The first and second 
summons met no response. At five o clock the old Prince 
called his daughter and blessed her. " I go to meet this 
Rowski," said he. " It may be we shall meet no more, my 
Helen my child the, innocent cause of all this grief. If 
I shall fall to-night the Rowski s victim, twill be that life 
is nothing without honour. " And so saying, he put into 
her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own 
breast so soon as the terrible champion had carried the cas 
tle by storm. 

This Helen most faithfully promised to do ; and her aged 
father retired to his armoury, and donned his ancient war 
worn corselet. It had borne the shock of a thousand lances 
ere this, but it was now so tight as almost to choke the 
knightly wearer. 

The last trumpet sounded tantara ! tantara ! its shrill 
call rang over the wide plains, and the wide plains gave 
back no answer. Again ! but when its notes died away, 
there was only a mournful, an awful silence. " Farewell, 
my child," said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 297 

battle-saddle. " Remern her the dagger. Hark! the trum 
pet sounds for the third time. Open, warders! Sound, 
trumpeters! and good Saint Bendigo guard the right." 

But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift 
the trumpet to his lips : when, hark ! from without there 
came another note of another clarion! a distant note at 
first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in brilliant varia 
tions, the full rich notes of the " Huntsman s Chorus r 
came clearly over the breeze ; and a thousand voices of the 
crowd gazing over the gate exclaimed, "A champion! a 
champion ! 

And, indeed, a champion had come. Issuing from the 
forest came a knight and squire : the knight gracefully 
cantering an elegant cream-coloured Arabian of prodigious 
power the squire mounted on an unpretending grey cob ; 
which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength 
and sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet, 
through the bars of his helmet; the knight s, visor was 
completely down. A small prince s coronet of gold, from 
which rose three pink ostrich feathers, marked the war 
rior s rank : his blank shield bore no cognisance. As grace 
fully poising his lance he rode into the green space where 
the Rowski s tents were pitched, the hearts of all present 
beat with anxiety, and the poor Prince of Cleves, espe 
cially, had considerable doubt about his new champion. 
" So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donner- 
blitz," said he, moodily, to his daughter; "but whoever 
he be, the fellow puts a good face on it, and rides like a 
man. See, he has touched the Rowski s shield with the 
point of his lance ! By Saint Bendigo, a perilous venture ! 

The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to 
the death, as the Prince of Cleves remarked from the bat 
tlement where he and his daughter stood to witness the 
combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the Incognito 
galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to 
the lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and 
waited for the foe. His armour blazed in the sunshine as 
he sat there, motionless, on his cream-coloured steed. He 



298 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

looked like one of those fairy knights one has read of one 
of those celestial champions who decided so many victories 
before the invention of gunpowder. 

The Kowski s horse was speedily brought to the door of 
his pavilion ; and that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit 
of magnificent brass armour, clattered into his saddle. 
Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled over his helmet, 
which was further ornamented by two huge horns of the 
aurochs. His lance was painted white and red, and he 
whirled the prodigious beam in the air and caught it with 
savage glee. He laughed when he saw the slim, form of 
his antagonist ; and his soul rejoiced to meet the coming 
battle. He dug his spurs into the enormous horse he rode : 
the enormous horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce 
pleasure. He jerked and curvetted him with a brutal play 
fulness, and after a few minutes turning and wheeling, 
during which everybody had leisure to admire the perfec 
tion of his equitation, he cantered round to a point exactly 
opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient charger. 

The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the 
combat, that he seemed quite to forget the danger which 
menaced himself, should his slim champion be discomfited 
by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. "Go it! " said 
he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch ; and at the word, 
the two warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each 
other. 

And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female 
hand, like that of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can 
never hope to do justice to the terrific theme. You have 
seen two engines on the Great Western line rush past each 
other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two war 
riors gallop towards one another; the feathers of either 
streamed yards behind their backs as they converged. 
Their shock as they met was as that of two cannon-balls ; 
the mighty horses trembled and reeled with the concussion ; 
the lance aimed at the Eowski s helmet bore off the coro 
net, the horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an in 
credible distance : a piece of the Rowski s left ear was car- 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 299 

ried off on the point of the nameless warrior s weapon. 
How had he fared? His adversary s weapon had glanced 
harmless along the blank surface of his polished buckler : 
and the victory so far was with him. 

The expression of the Kowski s face, as, bareheaded, he 
glared on his enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one 
worthy of a demon. The imprecatory expressions which 
he made use of can never be copied by a feminine pen. 

His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage 
of the opportunity thus offered him of finishing the combat 
by splitting his opponent s skull with his curtal-axe, and, 
riding back to his starting-place, bent his lance s point to 
the ground, in token that he would wait until the Count of 
Eulenschreekenstein was helmeted afresh. 

" Blessed Bendigo ! " cried the Prince, " thou art a gal 
lant lance : but why didst not rap the Schelni s brain out? 

" Bring me a fresh helmet ! " yelled the Kowski. Another 
casque was brought to him by his trembling squire. 

As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing 
sword from his side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring 
hoarsely his cry of battle. The unknown knight s sword 
was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the two 
blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the 
combat ! 

The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness 
and activity. It whirled round his adversary s head with 
frightful rapidity. Now it carried away a feather of his 
plume ; now it shore off a leaf of his coronet. The flail of 
the thresher does not fall more swiftly upon the corn. For 
many minutes it was the Unknown s only task to defend 
himself from the tremendous activity of the enemy. 

But even the Kowski s strength would slacken after ex 
ertion. The blows began to fall less thick anon, and the 
point of the unknown knight began to make dreadful play. 
It found and penetrated every joint of the Donnerblitz ar 
mour. Now it nicked him in the shoulder, where the vam- 
brace was buckled to the corselet ; now it bored a shrewd 
hole under the light brassart, and blood followed j now, 



300 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

with fatal dexterity, it darted through the visor, and came 
back to the recover deeply tinged with blood. A scream 
of rage followed the last thrust ; and no wonder : it had 
penetrated the Rowski s left eye. 

His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices ; he was 
almost choking in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss 
of blood, and rage. Gasping with fury, he drew back his 
horse, flung his great sword at his opponent s head, and 
once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe. 

Then you should have seen the unknown knight employ 
ing the same dreadful weapon ! Hitherto he had been on 
his defence ; now he began the attack ; and the gleaming 
axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like a 
thunderbolt! "Yield! yield! Sir Eowski," shouted he in 
a calm clear voice. 

A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. Twas 
the last blow that the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever 
struck in battle ! The curse was on his lips as the crush 
ing steel descended into his brain, and split it in two. He 
rolled like a log from his horse : his enemy s knee was in a 
moment on his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat, 
as the knight once more called upon him to yield. 

But there was no answer from within the helmet. When 
it was withdrawn, the teeth were crunched together ; the 
mouth that should have spoken, grinned a ghastly silence: 
one eye still glared with hate and fury, but it was glazed 
with the film of death ! 

The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the 
Ehine. The unknown knight, vaulting once more into his 
saddle, made a graceful obeisance to the Prince of Cleves 
and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back into 
the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset. 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 301 



CHAPTEE XIII. 

THE MARRIAGE. 

THE consternation which ensued on the death of the 
Eowski speedily sent all his camp-followers, army, etc., to 
the right about. They struck their tents at the first news 
of his discomfiture ; and each man laying hold of what he 
could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched 
under his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the 
sun rose. 

On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the 
Castle of Cleves were not shut. Everybody was free to 
come in. Wine-butts were broached in all the courts; 
the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege was 
distributed among the people, who crowded to congratu 
late their beloved sovereign on his victory; and the 
Prince, as was customary with that good man, who 
never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party, had a 
splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes, 
the whole concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks. 

In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the 
Count of Honibourg arrived at the castle. The stalwart 
old warrior swore by Saint Bugo that he was grieved the 
killing of the Eowski had been taken out of his hand. The 
laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Honibourg could 
never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the 
unknown knight had just done. 

But who was he? was the question which now agitated 
the bosom of these two old nobles. How to find him 
how to reward the champion and restorer of the honour 
and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that 
he should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent 
round the principal cities within fifty miles, and the de 
scription of the knight advertised in the Journal de Franc- 



302 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

fort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the Princess 
Helen was solemnly offered to him. in these advertisements, 
with the reversion of the Prince of Cleves s splendid though 
somewhat dilapidated property. 

"But we don t know him, my dear papa," faintly ejacu 
lated that young lady. " Some impostor may come in a 
suit of plain armour, and pretend that he was the cham 
pion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults 
certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget) ; 
and how are you to say whether he is the real knight or 
not? There are so many deceivers in this world," added 
the Princess, in tears, " that one can t be too cautious now." 
The fact is, that she was thinking of the desertion of Otto 
in the morning j by which instance of faithlessness her 
heart was well-nigh broken. 

As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the 
astonishment of everybody at their impudence, they came 
to the archers mess that night, as if nothing had happened ; 
got their supper, partaking both of meat and drink most 
plentifully ; fell asleep when their comrades began to de 
scribe the events of the day, and the admirable achieve 
ments of the unknown warrior; and, turning into their 
hammocks, did not appear on parade in the morning until 
twenty minutes after the names were called. 

When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these 
deserters, he was in a towering passion. "Where were 
you, fellows," shouted he, "during the time my castle was 
at its utmost need? 

Otto replied, " We were out on particular business." 

" Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir? " 
exclaimed the Prince. " You know the reward of such 
Death ! and death you merit. But you are a soldier only 
of yesterday, and yesterday s victory has made me 
merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit only 
flogged, both of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickel- 
stern, after breakfast, and give these scoundrels five hun 
dred apiece." 

You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 303 

this information was thus abruptly conveyed to him. 
" Flog me ! " cried he. " Flog Otto of- 

"Not so, niy father," said the Princess Helen, who had 
been standing by during the conversation, and who had 
looked at Otto all the while with the most ineffable scorn. 
" Not so : although these persons have forgotten their duty 
(she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word per 
sons), "we have had no need of their services, and have 
luckily found others more faithful. You promised your 
daughter a boon, papa : it is the pardon of these two per 
sons. Let them go, and quit a service they have disgraced : 
a mistress that is, a master they have deceived." 

"Drum ? em out of the castle, Tickelstern; strip their 
uniforms from their backs, and never let me hear of the 
scoundrels again. " So saying, the old Prince angrily turned 
on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two young men to the 
fun and derision of their surrounding comrades. 

The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual 
airing on the ramparts before breakfast, came up at this 
juncture, and asked what was the row? Otto blushed 
when he saw him, and turned away rapidly ; but the Count, 
too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclama 
tions of joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him 
to his manly breast, kissed him most affectionately, and 
almost burst into tears as he embraced him. For, in sooth, 
the good Count had thought his godson long ere this at the 
bottom of the silver Rhine. 

The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast- 
parlour window (to invite his guest to enter, as the tea was 
made), beheld this strange scene from the window, as did 
the lovely tea-maker likewise, with breathless and beautiful 
agitation. The old Count and the archer strolled up and 
down the battlements in deep conversation. By the ges 
tures of surprise and delight exhibited by the former, twas 
easy to see the young archer was conveying some very 
strange and pleasing news to him ; though the nature of 
the conversation was not allowed to transpire. 

"A godson of mine," said the noble Count, when inter- 



304 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

rogated over his muffins. "I know his family; worthy 
people; sad scapegrace; ran away; parents longing for 
him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay," and so 
forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his 
tale in this brief artless manner. But why, at its conclu 
sion, did the gentle Helen leave the room, her eyes filled 
with tears? She left the room once more to kiss a certain 
lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling delicious 
thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul ! 

When she appeared again, she made some side-handed in 
quiries regarding Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed 
by women) ; but he was gone. He and his companion were 
gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken his de 
parture, under pretext of particular business. How lonely 
the vast castle seemed to Helen, now that lie, was no longer 
there. The transactions of the last few days ; the beauti 
ful archer-boy ; the offer from the Rowski (always an event 
in a young lady s life) ; the siege of the castle; the death 
of her truculent admirer : all seemed like a fevered dream 
to her : all was passed away, and had left no trace behind. 
No trace? yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden 
hair, over which the young creature wept so much that she 
put it out of curl ; passing hours and hours in the summer- 
house where the operation had been performed. 

On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone 
into a consumption and died of languor, if the event had 
been delayed a day longer) a messenger, with a trumpet, 
brought a letter in haste to the Prince of Cleves, who was, 
as usual, taking refreshment. " To the High and Mighty 
Prince," etc., the letter ran. "The Champion who had 
the honour of engaging on Wednesday last with his late 
Excellency the Bowski of Donnerblitz, presents his com 
pliments to H.S.H. the Prince of Cleves. Through the 
medium of the public prints the C. has been made ac 
quainted with the flattering proposal of His Serene High 
ness relative to a union between himself (the Champion) 
and Her Serene Highness the Princess Helen of Cleves. 
The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite invitation, 



A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 305 

and will have the honour of waiting upon the Prince and 
Princess of Cleves about half-an-hour after the receipt of 
this letter." 

" Tol lol de rol, girl," shouted the Prince with heartfelt 
joy. (Have you not remarked, dear friend, how often in 
novel-books, and on the stage, joy is announced by the 
above burst of insensate monosyllables?) "Tol lol de rol. 
Don thy best kirtle, child ; thy husband will be here anon." 
And Helen retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event 
in the life of a young woman. When she returned, attired 
to welcome her defender, her young cheek was as pale as 
the white satin slip and orange sprigs she wore. 

She was scarce seated on the dais by her father s side, 
when a huge flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed 
the arrival of the Champion. Helen felt quite sick : a 
draught of ether was necessary to restore her tranquillity. 

The great door was flung open. He entered, the same 
tall warrior, slim and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. 
He approached the Prince s throne, supported on each side 
by a friend likewise in armour. He knelt gracefully on 
one knee. 

I come," said he, in a voice trembling with emotion, 
( to claim, as per advertisement, the hand of the lovely 
Lady Helen." And he held out a copy of the Allgemeine 
Zeitung as he spoke. 

"Art thou noble, Sir Knight?" asked the Prince of 
Cleves. 

"As noble as yourself," answered the kneeling steel. 

" Who answers for thee? " 

" I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father ! " said the 
knight on the right hand, lifting up his visor. 

" And I Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather ! * 
said the knight on the left, doing likewise. 

The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked 
on Helen. 

:< 1 knew it was," said she, and fainted as she saw Otto 
the Archer. 

But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small 



306 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 

/ 

need to tell ye. In a very few days after, a great marriage 
took place at Cleves, under the patronage of Saint Bugo, 
Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the marriage cere 
mony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove 
off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissin- 
gen. The Lady Theodora, whom we left locked up in her 
convent a long while since, was prevailed upon to come 
back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to her hus 
band. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolised her 
son, and spoiled all her little grandchildren. And so all 
are happy, and my simple tale is done. 

I read it in an old old book, in a mouldy old circulating 
library. 7 Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble 
Alexandre Dumas; but tis probable that he stole it from 
some other, and that the other had niched it from a former 
tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun. Things 
die and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgot 
ten tale of the great Dumas reappears under the signature 
of THERESA MACWHIRTER. 

WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. : December 1. 



SOME PASSAGES 



IN THE 



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 



SOME PASSAGES 



IN THE 



LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN, 



CHAPTER I 

"TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION." 

I THINK it but right that in making my appearance be 
fore the public I should at once acquaint them with my 
titles and name. My card, as I leave it at the houses of 
the nobility, my friends, is as follows : 



MAJOR GOL1AH O GJRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.LC.S. 
Commanding Battalion of 

Irregular Horse, 
AHMEDNUGGAR. 



Seeing, I say, this simple visiting-ticket, the world will 
avoid any of those awkward mistakes as to my person, 
which have been so frequent of late. There has been no 
end to the blunders regarding this humble title of mine, and 
the confusion thereby created. When I published my vol 
ume of poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper 
remarked " that the Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, 
may be ranked among the sweetest flowerets of the present 



310 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

spring season." The Quarterly Review, commenting upon 
my " Observations on the Pons Asinorum " (4to. London, 
1836), called me "Doctor Gahagan," and so on. It was 
time to put an end to these mistakes, and I have taken the 
above simple remedy. 

I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining 
in August last at the palace of the T-l-r-es at Paris, the 
lovely young Duch-ss of Oii ns (who, though she does not 
speak English, understands it as well as I do) said to me 
in the softest Teutonic, " Lieber Herr Major, liaben sie den 
Ahmednuggarisehen-jdger-battalion gelassen ? " Warum 

den? r - said I, quite astonished at her R 1 H ss s 

question. The P cess then spoke of some trifle from my 
pen, which was simply signed Goliah Gahagan. 

There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. E. H. put 
this question. 

" Comment done ? " said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking 
gravely at Count Mole; " le cher Major a quitte Varmee! 

Nicolas done sera maitre de VInde / H. M and the 

Pr M-n-ster pursued their conversation in a low tone, and 
left me, as may be imagined, in a dreadful state of confu 
sion. I blushed, and stuttered, and murmured out a few 
incoherent words to explain but it would not do I could 
not recover my equanimity during the course of the dinner; 
and while endeavouring to help an English duke, my neigh 
bour, to poulet a VAusterlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms 
and three large greasy croutes over his whiskers and shirt- 
frill. Another laugh at my expense. " Ah ! M. le Major ^ 
said the Q of the B-lg ns, archly, "vous n aurez 

jamais votre brevet de Colonel." Her M y s joke will be 

better understood when I state that his grace is the brother 
of a minister. 

I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life 
by mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this 
little anecdote. I only wish to have it understood that I 
am a gentleman, and live at least in decent society. Ver- 
bum sat. 

But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 311 

name of Goliah in full, to distinguish me from my brother, 
Gregory Gahagan, who was also a major (in the King s 
service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the public most 
likely knows. Poor Greg. a very trivial dispute was the 
cause of our quarrel, which never would have originated 
but for the similarity of our names. The circumstance was 
this : I had been lucky enough to render the Nawaub of 
Lucknow some trifling service (in the notorious affair of 
Chopras jee Muckjee), and his highness sent down a gold 
toothpick-case directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of 
course thought was for me : my brother madly claimed it; 
we fought, and the consequence was, that in about three 
minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut 6), which 
effectually did his business : he was a good swordsman 
enough I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridicu 
lous part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, 
after all he had left it on the Nawaub s table at tiffin. I 
can t conceive what madness prompted him to fight about 
such a paltry bauble; he had much better have yielded it 
at once, when he saw I was determined to have it. From 
this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader will per 
ceive that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; 
and, in fact, I may say that I have led a more remarkable 
life than any man in the service I have been at more 
pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes, had more success 
among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a 
handsomer man than any officer now serving her Majesty. 

When I first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet 
of seventeen, with blazing red hair, six feet seven in height, 
athletic at all kinds of exercises, owing money to my tailor 
and everybody else who would trust me, possessing an Irish 
brogue, and my full pay of 120. a year. I need not say 
that with all these advantages I did that which a number 
of clever fellows have done before me I fell in love, and 
proposed to marry immediately. 

But how to overcome the difficulty? It is true that I 
loved Julia Jowler loved her to madness; but her father 

intended her for a member of council at least, and not for 
14 Vol. 19 



312 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

a beggarly Irish ensign. It was, however, my fate to make 
the passage to India (on board of the Samuel Snob East 
Indiaman, Captain Duffy) with this lovely creature, and 
my misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. 
We were not out of the Channel before I adored her, wor 
shipped the deck which she trod upon, kissed a thousand 
times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. The same 
madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates 
fought about her at the Cape the surgeon, a sober, pious 
Scotchman, from disappointed affection, took so dreadfully 
to drinking as to threaten spontaneous combustion and 
old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven daugh 
ters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from 
Mrs. L., and made an attempt at suicide the captain him 
self told me, with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hith 
erto-adored Mrs. Duffy, although he had had nineteen chil 
dren by her. 

We used to call her the witch there was magic in her 
beauty and in her voice. I was spell- bound when I looked 
at her, and stark-staring mad when she looked at me ! Oh, 
lustrous black eyes ! Oh, glossy night-black ringlets ! Oh, 
lips ! Oh, dainty frocks of white muslin ! Oh, tiny kid 
slippers ! though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still ! I 
recollect off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular 
way one day at dinner, just as I happened to be blowing on 
a piece of scalding hot green fat. I was stupefied at once 
I thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound) into my 
mouth. I made no attempt to swallow or to masticate it, 
but left it there for many minutes burning, burning! 
had no skin to my palate for seven weeks after, and lived 
on rice-water during the rest of the voyage. The anecdote 
is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia Jowler over me. 

The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the sub 
ject of storms, shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea 
sickness, and so forth, that (although I have experienced 
each of these in many varieties) I think it quite unneces 
sary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to say, 
that during our five months trajet, my mad passion for 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 313 



Julia daily increased; so did the captain s and the sur 
geon s; so did Colonel Lily white s; so did the doctor s, 
the mate s that of most part of the passengers, and a 
considerable number of the crew. For myself, I swore 
ensign as I was I would win her for my wife; I vowed 
that I would make her glorious with my sword that as 
soon as I had made a favourable impression on my com 
manding officer, (which I did not doubt to create,) I would 
lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand his 
daughter s hand. With such sentimental outpourings did 
our voyage continue and conclude. 

We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in 
December, 1802, and then for the moment Julia and I sepa 
rated. She was carried off to her papa s arms in a palan 
keen, surrounded by at least forty hookahbadars ; whilst 
the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a solitary 
beasty, (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are 
called,) made his way humbly to join the regiment at head 
quarters. 

The th regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the 
command of Lieut. -Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known 
throughout Asia and Europe by the proud title of the Bun- 
delcund Invincibles so great was its character for bravery, 
so remarkable were its services in that delightful district 
of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in command, 
and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta 
through the body, was second Major. We were on the 
eve of that remarkable war which was speedily to spread 
throughout the whole of India, to call forth the valour of a 
Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a Gahagan; 
which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar, 
(where 1 was the first over the barricade at the storming of 
the Pettah;) at Argaum, where I slew with my own sword 
twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in two; 
and by that terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would 
have been beaten but for me me alone; I headed nineteen 
charges of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my 
own troop) seventeen field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly 



314 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 



French, artillerymen; on that day I had eleven elephants 
shot under me, and carried away Scindia s nose-ring with 
a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a duke and a marshal, I but a 
simple major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war ! But 
my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had 
better proceed with more order. 

On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for 
the first time put on the beautiful uniform of the Invin- 
cibles; a light blue swallow-tailed jacket with silver lace 
and wings, ornamented with about 3,000 sugar-loaf buttons,, 
rhubarb-coloured leather inexpressibles, (tights,) and red 
morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to ad 
miration the handsome persons of the officers of our corps. 
We wore powder in those days, and a regulation pig-tail of 
seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded by leopard- 
skin, with a bear-skin top and a horse-tail feather, gave the 
head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more 
easily imagined than described. 

Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented 
myself before Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a man 
ner precisely similar, but not being more than five feet in 
height, and weighing at least fifteen stone, the dress he 
wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and 
taller men. Flanked by his tall majors, Thrupp and 
Gutch, he looked like a stumpy skittle-ball between two 
attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel received me 
with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime favour 
ite with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler 
was the most hospitable of men, and, gratifying my appe 
tite and my love together, I continually partook of his din 
ners, and feasted on the sweet presence of Julia. 

I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive 
in those early days, that this Miss Jowler, on whom I had 
lavished my first and warmest love, whom I had endowed 
with all perfection and purity, was no better than a little 
impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, because dur 
ing the monotony of a sea- voyage she had no other toy to 
play with; and who deserted others for me, and me for 



THE LITE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 315 

others, just as her whim or her interest might guide her. 
She had not been three weeks at headquarters when half 
the regiment was in love with her. Each and all of the 
candidates had some favour to boast of, or some encourag 
ing hopes on which to build. It was the scene of the 
Samuel Snob over again, only heightened in interest by a 
number of duels. The following list will give the reader a 
notion of some of them : 

1. Cornet Gahagan. Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and 

Miners. Hicks received a ball in 
his jaw, and was half choked by 
a quantity of carroty whisker 
forced down his throat with the 
ball. 

2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I. Cornet Gahagan. I was run through 

the body, but the sword passed 
between the ribs, and injured me 
very slightly. 

3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I. Mr. Mulligatawney, B.C.S., Depu 

ty-Assistant Vice Sub -Controller 
of the Boggleywollah Indigo 
grounds, Ramgolly branch. 

Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword s-play, and he 
might have come off in his second duel as well as in his 
first; as it was, the civilian placed a ball and a part of 
Mac s gold repeater in his stomach. A remarkable circum 
stance attended this shot, an account of which I sent home 
to the Philosophical Transactions: the surgeon had ex 
tracted the ball, and was going off, thinking that all was 
well, when the gold repeater struck thirteen in poor Mac 
gillicuddy s abdomen. I suppose that the works must have 
been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for the repeater 
was one of Barraud s, never known to fail before, and the 
circumstance occurred at seven o clock.* 

*So admirable are the performances of these watches, which will 
stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor Macgillicuddy 
relate the following fact. The hours, as it is known, count in Italy 
from one to twenty-four: the day Mac landed at Naples Ms repeater 
rung the Italian hours, from one to twenty-four : as soon as he crossed 
the Alps it only sounded as usual. GL O G. G. 



316 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the 
wars which this Helen occasioned, but the above three 
specimens will, I should think, satisfy the peaceful reader. 
I delight not in scenes of blood, Heaven knows, but I was 
compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the sake 
of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I 
know that four times as many more took place concerning 
her. 

I forgot to say that Jowler s wife was a half-caste woman, 
who had been born and bred entirely in India, and whom 
the Colonel had married from the house of her mother, a 
native. There were some singular rumours abroad regard^ 
ing this latter lady s history it was reported that she war, 
the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off 
by a poor English subaltern in Lord Olive s time. The 
young man was killed very soon after, and left his child 
with its mother. The black Prince forgave his daughter 
and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I sup 
pose that it was on this account that Jowler married Mrs. 
J., a creature who had not, I do believe, a Christian name, 
or a single Christian quality she was a hideous, bloated, 
yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, and red eyes : 
she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy she hated and was 
hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband as de 
voutly as by any other. She did not pass a month in the 
year with him, but spent most of her time with her native 
friends. I wonder how she could have given birth to so 
lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of 
course with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice 
of the devil in her daughter s composition was most care 
fully nourished and fed by her. If Julia had been a flirt 
before, she was a downright jilt now; she set the whole 
cantonment by the ears; she made wives jealous and hus 
bands miserable; she caused all those duels of which I 
have discoursed already, and yet such was the fascination 
of THE WITCH that I still thought her an angel. I made 
court to the nasty mother in order to be near the daughter; 
and I listened untiringly to Jowler s interminable dull 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 317 

stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the 
graceful movements of Miss Julia. 

Bat the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; 
and on the battle-field Gahagan is a man ! The Bundelcund 
Invincibles received orders to march, and Jowler, Hector- 
like, donned his helmet, and prepared to part from his 
Andromache. And now arose his perplexity : what must 
be done with his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife s 
peculiarities of living, and did not much care to trust his 
daughter to her keeping; but in vain he tried to find her 
an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment. 
Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing 
to do with Mrs. Jowler; the surgeon s wife, Mrs. Saw- 
bone, would have neither mother nor daughter; there was 
no help for it, Julia and her mother must have a house 
together, and Jowler knew that his wife would fill it with 
her odious blackamoor friends. 

I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign 
until I learned from Julia my fate. I watched twenty op 
portunities to see her alone, and wandered about the Colo 
nel s bungalow as an informer does about a public-house, 
marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, 
and longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, un 
biassed by her mother or her papa, might listen, perhaps, 
to my eloquence, and melt at the tale of my love. 

But it would not do old Jowler seemed to have taken all 
of a sudden to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no 
finding him out of doors, and his rhubarb-coloured wife (I 
believe that her skin gave the first idea of our regimental 
breeches), who before had been gadding ceaselessly abroad, 
and poking her broad nose into every menage in the canton 
ment, stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My 
only chance was to beard the old couple in their den, and 
ask them at once for their cub. 

So I called one day at tiffin : old Jowler was always 
happy to have my company at this meal; it amused him, 
he said, to see me drink Hodgson s pale ale (I drank two 
hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was in Ben- 



318 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 

gal) and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old 
Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut; she was exactly the 
colour of it, as I have had already the honour to remark, 
and she swallowed the mixture with a gusto which was 
never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando, a propos 
d hmtres. She consumed the first three plate fuls, with a 
fork and spoon, like a Christian; but as she warmed to her 
work, the old hag would throw away her silver implements, 
and dragging the dishes towards her, go to work with her 
hands, flip the rice into her rnouth with her fingers, and 
stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy com 
pany. But why do I diverge from the main point of my 
story? 

Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J., were at luncheon: the 
dear girl was in the act to sdbler a glass of Hodgson as I 
entered. "How do you do, Mr. Gagin? J said the old hag, 
leeringly. " Eat a bit o currie-bhaut " and she thrust the 
dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. " What, 
Gagy my boy, how do, how do? said the fat colonel. 
"What, run through the body? got well again have 
some Hodgson run through your body too ! " and at this, 
I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that in these 
hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of 
the skin,) old Jowler laughed : a host of swarthy chobdars, 
kitmatgars, sices, consomers, and bobbychies laughed too, 
as they provided me, unasked, with the grateful fluid. 
Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused nervously for a 
moment, and then said 

"Bobbachy, consomah, bally baloo hoga." 

The black ruffians took the hint, and retired. 

"Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are 
alone; and you, Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is I 
mean I take this opportunity to (another glass of ale if 
you please,) to express, once for all, before departing on 
a dangerous campaign " (Julia turned pale) " before en 
tering, I say, upon a war which may stretch in the dust my 
high-raised hopes and me, to express my hopes while life 
still remains to me, and to declare in the face of heaven, 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 319 

earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia ! " The 
colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck quiv 
ering for some minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded 
not the paltry interruption. " Yes, by yon bright heaven," 
continued I, " I love you, Julia ! I respect my commander, 
I esteem your excellent and beauteous mother; tell me, be 
fore I leave you, if I may hope for a return of my affection. 
Say that you love me, and I will do such deeds in this com 
ing war, as shall make you proud of the name of your 
Gahagan." 

The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, 
stared, snapped, and ground her teeth, like an enraged 
monkey. Julia was now red, now white; the colonel 
stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg, 
wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had 
remarked by his side. 

"A cornet!" said he, in a voice choking with emotion; 
" a pitiful, beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia 
Jowler! Gag Gahagan, are you mad, or laughing at us? 
Look at these letters, young man, at these letters, I say 
one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every part of 
India (not including one from the Governor-General, and 
six from his brother, Colonel Wellesley,) one hundred and 
twenty-four proposals for the hand of Miss Jowler ! Cornet 
Gahagan," he continued, " I wish to think well of you : you 
are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the hand 
somest man in our corps; but you have not got a single 
rupee. You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even 
an anna " (Here the old rogue grinned, as if he had 
made a capital pun.) "No, no," said he, waxing good- 
natured; " Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense ! Julia love, retire 
with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain 
anil smoke a pipe with me." 

I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in 
my life. 

***** 

I am not going to give here an account of my military 
services; they will appear in my great national autobiog- 



320 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

raphy, in forty volumes, which I am now preparing for the 
press. I was with my regiment in all Wellesley s brilliant 
campaigns; then, taking dawk, I travelled across the coun 
try north-eastward, and had the honour of fighting by the 
side of Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futty- 
ghur, and Bhurtpore; but I will not boast of my actions 
the military man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN appreciates 
them. If asked who was the bravest man of the Indian 
army, there is not an officer belonging to it who would not 
cry at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate ; I 
cared not for life, deprived of Julia Jowler. 

With Julia s stony looks ever before my eyes, her father s 
stern refusal in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the 
campaign, again to seek her company or to press my suit. 
We were eighteen months on service, marching and coun 
ter-marching, and fighting almost every other day; to the 
world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the 
face, and not the seared and blighted heart within me. My 
valour, always desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty; 
I tortured my grooms and grass-cutters for the most trifling 
offence or error, I never in action spared a man, I 
sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of 
that single campaign. 

Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have 
fallen upon poor old Jowler. About six months after we 
had left Dum Dum, he received a parcel of letters from 
Benares (whither his wife had retired with her daughter), 
and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that 
he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within 
two days; but it was against the blacks that he chiefly 
turned his wrath: our fellows, in the heat and hurry of 
the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather roughly 
with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them. They 
used to pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in 
kedgeree pots, to flog them and dress their wounds with 
cayenne pepper, and so on. Jowler, when he heard of 
these proceedings, which before had always justly exas 
perated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 321 

now to smile fiercely and say, " D- the black scoundrels ! 
Serve them right, serve them right ! 

One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the col 
umn, I had been on a foraging party with a few dragoons, 
and was returning peaceably to camp, when of a sudden a 
troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a neighbouring mango 
tope, in which they had been hidden : in an instant three of 
my men s saddles were empty, and I was left with but 
seven more to make head against at least thirty of these 
vagabond black horsemen. I never saw in my life a nobler 
figure than the leader of the troop mounted on a splendid 
black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he 
wore a steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful 
French carbine, which had already done execution upon two 
of my men. I saw that our only chance of safety lay in 
the destruction of this man. I snouted to him in a voice of 
thunder (in the Hindostanee tongue of course), "Stop, 
dog, if you dare, and encounter a man ! " 

In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my 
head, and mortally transfixed poor Foggarty, of ours, who 
was behind me. Grinding my teeth and swearing horribly, 
I drew that scimitar which never yet failed in its blow,* 
and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, 
his own sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the 
air, shrieking his cry of battle. 

The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow 
I cut off his sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled 
at his head. I said that he wore a steel cap, with a gilt 
iron spike of six inches, and a hood of chain mail. I rose 
in my stirrups and delivered " St. George ; my sword 
caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, 
cut crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was only 
stopped by a ruby which he wore in his back-plate. His 
head, cut clean in two between the eyebrows and nostrils, 
even between the two front teeth, fell, one side on each 

* In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go out 
with small-swords -.miserable weapons, only fit for tailors. G. 
O G. G. 



322 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 

shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by 
my men, who were not a little amused at the feat. 

As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing 
their leader s fate. I took home his helmet by way of cu 
riosity, and we made a single prisoner, who was instantly 
carried before old Jowler. 

We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the 
troop; he said it was Chowder Loll. 

" CHOWDER LOLL ! " shrieked Colonel Jowler. " Oh fate ! 
thy hand is here ! He rushed wildly into his tent the 
next day applied for leave of absence. Gutch took the 
command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for some 

time. 

* * * * * 

As I had distinguished myself not a little during the 
war, General Lake sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, 
where Lord Wellesley received me with the greatest distinc 
tion. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at Government 
House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blush 
ing, thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side ! 

Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I 
thought of my former passages with his daughter. " Gagy 
my boy," says he, shaking hands, "glad to see you, old 
friend, Julia come to tiffin Hodgson s pale brave fellow 
Gagy." Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, 
and fixed upon me with her awful eyes ! I fainted almost, 
and uttered some incoherent words. Julia took my hand, 
gazed at me still, and said, " Come ! * Need I say I went? 

I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again, 
but this 1 know, that in half an hour I was as much in love 
as I ever had been, and that in three weeks I yes, I was 
the accepted lover of Julia ! I did not pause to ask where 
were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I, re 
fused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I 
loved her, and was happy ! 

***** 

One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, 
with a lover s pardonable passion, wandered solitary through 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

the city of palaces until I came to the house which con 
tained my Julia. I peeped into the compound all was 
still; I looked into the verandah all was dark, except a 
light yes, one light and it was in Julia s chamber! My 
heart throbbed almost to stifling. I would I would ad 
vance, if but to gaze upon her for a moment, and to bless 
her as she slept. I did look, I did advance; and, oh Heav 
en! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a night-dress, with 
a very dark baby in her arms, and Julia, looking tenderly at 
an ayah, who was nursing another. 

"Oh, mamma," said Julia, " what would that fool Ga- 
hagan say if he knew all? J 

"He does know all! " shouted I, springing forward, and 
tearing down the tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran 
shrieking out of the room, Julia fainted, the cursed black 
children squalled, and their d d nurse fell on her knees, 
gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindostanee. Old Jowler 
at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword. 

" Liar ! scoundrel ! deceiver ! " shouted I. " Turn, ruffian, 
and defend yourself ! " But old Jowler, when he saw me, 
only whistled, looked at his lifeless daughter, and slowly 
left the room. 

Why continue the tale? I need not now account for 
Jowler s gloom on receiving his letters from Benares for 
his exclamation upon the death of the Indian chief for 
his desire to marry his daughter : the woman I was wooing 
was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. CHOWDER 
LOLL! 



324 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 



CHAPTER II. 

ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE. , 

I SAT down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the ap 
pearance of some of my adventures in a monthly magazine) 
unprincipled men have endeavoured to rob me of the only 
good I possess, to question the statements that I make, and 
themselves, without a spark of honour or good feeling, to 
steal from me that which is my sole wealth my character 
as a teller of THE TRUTH. 

The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal 
strictures of a profligate press I now allude; among the 
London journalists, none (luckily for themselves) have 
dared to question the veracity of my statements; they know 
me, and they know that I am in London. If I can use the 
pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, 
and would answer their contradictions with my sword ! No 
gold or gems adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar, but 
there is blood upon the blade the blood of the enemies of 
my country, and the maligners of my honest fame. There 
are others, however the disgrace of a disgraceful trade 
who borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have 
ventured to assail me. The infamous editors of the Kelso 
Champion, the Bungay Beacon, the Tipperary Argus, and 
the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other dastardly organs of 
the provincial press, have, although differing in politics, 
agreed upon this one point, and, with a scoundrelly unanim 
ity vented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me. 

They say that I have assailed private characters, and 
wilfully perverted history to blacken the reputation of pub 
lic men. I ask, was any one of these men in Bengal in the 
year 1803? Was any single conductor of any one of these 
paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country? 
Does this exquisite Tipperary scribe know the difference 



THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAK 325 

between Hurry gurry bang and Bur mint oil ah? Not he! and 
because, forsooth, in those strange and distant lands strange 
circumstances have taken place, it is insinuated that the 
relator is a liar : nay, that the very places themselves have 
no existence but in my imagination. Fools! but I will 
not waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount 
some other portions of my personal history. 

It is, I presume, a fact which even these scribbing assas 
sins will not venture to deny, that before the commence 
ment of the campaign against Scindiah, the English general 
formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna, where he exer 
cised that brilliant little army which was speedily to per 
form such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give 
a slight account of the causes of a war which was speedily 
to rage through some of the fairest portions of the Indian 
continent. 

Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by 
the female line of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun 
adventurer, who had well-nigh hurled Bajazet and Selim 
the Second from the throne of Bagdad); Shah Allum, I 
say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was, in 
reality, the slave of the various warlike chieftains who 
lorded it by turns over the country and the sovereign, until 
conquered and slain by some more successful rebel. Chow 
der Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scin 
diah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had 
held for a time complete mastery in Delhi. The second of 
these, a ruthless Afghaun soldier, had abruptly entered the 
capital, nor was he ejected from it until he had seized 
upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes of 
the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah 
came to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though 
he destroyed his oppressor, only increased his slavery, 
holding him in as painful a bondage as he had suffered 
under the tyrannous Afghaun. 

As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, 
or as long rather as it appeared that they had any strength 
to fight a battle, the British government, ever anxious to 



326 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

see its enemies by the ears, by no means interfered in the 
contest. But the French Kevolution broke out, and a host 
of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian 
states, seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds 
of the various native princes against the British East India 
Company. A number of these entered into Scindiah s 
ranks one of them, Perron, was commander of his army; 
and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in his 
hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never 
thought of an invasion of the British territory, the Com 
pany all of a sudden discovered that Shah Allum, his sov 
ereign, was shamefully ill-used, and determined to re-estab 
lish the ancient splendour of his throne. 

Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum 
that prompted our governors to take these kindly measures 
in his favour. I don t know how it happened that, at the 
end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit better off 
than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten, 
and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a 
puppet as before. Somehow, in the hurry and confusion 
of this struggle, the oyster remained with the British gov 
ernment, who had so kindly offered to dress it for the em 
peror, while his majesty was obliged to be contented with 
the shell. 

The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the 
Grand Army of the Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of 
eleven regiments of cavalry and twelve battalions of infan 
try, and was commanded by General Lake in person. 

Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron s camp 
at Allyghur; on the 4th we took that fortress by assault; 
and as my name was mentioned in general orders, I may 
as well quote the commander-in-chief s words regarding 
me they will spare me the trouble of composing my own 
eulogium. 

" The commander-in-chief is proud thus publicly to de 
clare his high sense of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, 
of the cavalry. In the storming of the fortress, al 
though unprovided with a single ladder, and accompanied 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 327 

but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in 
escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. 
Fourteen ditches, lined with sword blades and poisoned 
chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls bristling with innumerable 
artillery, and as smooth as looking-glasses, were in turns 
triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His 
course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies 
lying thick upon the platforms; and, alas! by the corpses 
of most of the gallant men who followed him ! when at 
length he effected his lodgment, and the dastardly enemy, 
who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose upon 
him the tigers and lions of Scindiah s menagerie : this 
meritorious officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of 
the largest and most ferocious animals, and the rest, awed 
by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOUR, shrunk 
back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty 
Goss, Havildar, were the only two who remained out of the 
nine hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honour 
to them ! Honour and tears for the brave men who per 
ished on that awful day ! 

=* # * =* * 

I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal 
Hurkaru of September 24, 1803; and anybody who has the 
slightest doubt as to the statement, may refer to the paper 
itself. 

And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which 
so marvellously preserved me, Sergeant- Major Higgory, 
and Runty Goss. Were I to say that any valour of ours 
had carried us unhurt through this tremendous combat, the 
reader would laugh me to scorn. No : though my narra 
tive is extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and 
never, never would I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of 
effect. The fact is this : the citadel of Allyghur is situated 
upon a rock, about a thousand feet above the level of the 
sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his excellency 
was good enough to remark in his dispatch, A man who 
would mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he 
who would say he mounted them without such assistance, 



328 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

is a liar and a knave. We had scaling-ladders at the com 
mencement of the assault, although it was quite impossible 
to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. Mounted 
011 them, however, as our troops were falling thick about 
me, I saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some 
other help could be found for our brave fellows to escalade 
the next wall. It was about seventy feet high. I instantly 
turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and peppered the 
latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling-place, the 
men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this 
simple stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier 
-for to ascend a wall, which the general was pleased to 
call "as smooth as glass," is an absurd impossibility. I 
seek to achieve none such : 

"I dare do all that may become a man, 
Who dares do more, is neither more nor less. " 

Of course, had the enemy s guns been commonly well 
served, not one of us would ever have been alive out of the 
three; but whether it was owing to fright, or to the exces 
sive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery, arrive we 
did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so 
difficult as might be imagined killing these fellows was 
sheer butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned 
and fled helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their 
courage by the fact that out of about seven hundred men 
killed by us, only forty had wounds in front, the rest being 
bayoneted as they ran. 

And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very 
letting out of these tigers, which was the dernier ressort of 
Bournonville, the second commandant of the fort. I had 
observed this man (conspicuous for a tri-coloured scarf 
which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we stormed 
them, and running away the very first among the fugitives. 
He had all the keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he 
opened the menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in the 
door, which I seized when the animals were overcome. 
Eunty Goss then opened them one by one, our troops en- 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 329 

tered, and the victorious standard of my country floated 
on the walls of Allyghur ! 

When the general, accompanied by his staff, entered 
the last line of fortifications, the brave old man raised me 
from the dead rhinoceros on which I was seated, and pressed 
me to his breast. , But the excitement which had borne me 
through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day failed 
all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder. 



Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority ; nor 
is it in the power of the general-in-chief to advance a 
Caesar, if he finds him in the capacity of a subaltern : my 
reward for the above exploit was, therefore, not very rich. 
His excellency had a favourite horn snuff-box (for though 
exalted in station he was in his habits most simple) : of 
this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, 
which he always took, he made me a present, saying, in 
front of the line, "Accept this, Mr. Gahagau, as a token of 
respect from the first to the bravest officer in the army." 

Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should 
say that fourpence was about the value of this gift; but it 
has at least this good effect it serves to convince any per 
son who doubts my story, that the facts of it are really 
true. I have left it at the office of my publisher, along 
with the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody 
may examine both by applying in the counting-house of 
Mr. Cunningham.* That once popular expression, or prov 
erb, " Are you up to snuff? " arose out of the above circum 
stance; for the officers of my corps, none of whom, except 
myself, had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit 
me about this modest reward for my labours. Never mind; 
when they want me to storm a fort again, I shall know 
better. 

* The major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at Mr. 
Cunningham s office ; but it contained no extract from a newspaper, 
and does not quite prove that he killed a rhinoceros, and stormed 
fourteen intrenchments at the siege of Allyghur. M. A. T. 



330 THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

Well, immediately after the capture of this important 
fortress, Perron, who had been the life and soul of Scin- 
diah s army, came in to us, with his family and treasure, 
and was passed over to the French settlements at Chander- 
nagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we 
now moved. The morning of the llth of September found 
us upon the plains of Delhi. 

It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing 
ourselves after the morning s march, when I, who was on 
the advanced piquet along with O Gawler of the King s 
Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy s neighbourhood 
in a very singular manner. O Gawler and I were seated 
under a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed 
to shelter us from the intolerable heat of the sun, and were 
discussing with great delight a few Manilla cheroots, and a 
stone jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak, refreshing san- 
garee. We had been playing cards the night before, and 
O Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied 
the last of the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of 
which we were drinking, and holding mine up, said, " Here s 
better luck to you next time, O Gawler! " 

As I spoke the words whish! a cannon-ball cut the 
tumbler clean out of my hand, and plumped into poor 
O Gawler s stomach. It settled him completely, and of 
course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such are the 
uncertainties of war ! 

To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements to mount 
my Arab charger to drink off what O Gawler had left of 
the sangaree and to gallop to the general, was the work 
of a moment. I found him as comfortably at tiffin as if 
he were at his own house in London. 

" General," said I, as soon as I got into his pai jamahs (or 
tent), "you must leave your lunch if you want to fight the 
enemy." 

" The enemy psha ! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the 
other side of the river." 

"I can only tell your excellency that the enemy s guns 
will hardly carry five miles j and that Cornet O Gawler 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 331 

was this moment shot dead at my side with a cannon- 
ball." 

"Ha! is it so?" said his excellency, rising, and laying 
down the drumstick of a grilled chicken. "Gentlemen, 
remember that the eyes of Europe are upon us, and follow 
me ! " 

Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his 
cocked hat; each British heart beat high at the thoughts of 
the coming melee. We mounted our horses, and galloped 
swiftly after the brave old general; I not the last in the 
train, upon my famous black charger. 

It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force 
within three miles of our camp, and from a hillock in the 
advance to which we galloped, we were enabled with our 
telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line*. Nothing 
can better describe it than this : 




A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred 
and twenty pieces of artillery which defended his line. 
He was, moreover, intrenched; and a wide morass in his 
front gave him an additional security. 

His excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then 
said, turning round to one of his aides-de-camp, " Order up 
Major-General Tinkler and the cavalry." 

"Here, does your excellency mean?" said the aide-de 
camp, surprised, for the enemy had perceived us, and the 
cannon-balls were flying about as thick as peas. 

" Here, sir / said the old general, stamping with his 
foot in a passion, and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders 
and galloped away. In five minutes we heard the trumpets 
in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part of the 
cavalry had joined us. 

Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flap 
ping in the air, their long line of polished jack-boots gleam 
ing in the golden sunlight. "And now we are here," said 



332 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 

Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler, "what next?" 
U 0h, d it," said the commander-in-chief, " charge, 
charge nothing like charging galloping guns rascally 
black scoundrels charge, charge ! " And then, turning 
round to me (perhaps he was glad to change the conversa 
tion), he said, " Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me." 

And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that 
the battle was gained by me. I do not mean to insult the 
reader by pretending that any personal exertions of mine 
turned the day, that I killed, for instance, a regiment of 
cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns, such absurd tales 
would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is 
well known, never say a single word which cannot be 
proved, and hate more than all other vices the absurd sin 
of egotism; I simply mean that my advice to the general, 
at a quarter past two o clock in the afternoon of that day, 
won this great triumph for the British army. 

Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, 
though somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero 
of it. General Lake, for the victory of that day, became 
Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree ! and who forsooth 
was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand 
upon my heart, and say that /was. If any proof is want 
ing of the fact, let me give it at once, and from the highest 
military testimony in the world, I mean that of the EM 
PEROR NAPOLEON. 

In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board 
the Prince Regent, Captain Harris, which touched at St. 
Helena on its passage from Calcutta to England. In com 
pany with the other officers on board the ship, I paid my 
respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who received 
us in his garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen 
dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General 
Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a 
little boy, who I dare say does not recollect me, but who 
nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels of 
my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with 
his Imperial Majesty, 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 333 

Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the 
way !) by General Montholon, and the Emperor, as each 
was pronounced, made a bow to the owner of it, but did 
not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to mine. 
The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands 
oat of his pockets, put them behind his back, and coming 
up to me smiling, pronounced the following words : 
" Assye, Delhi) Deeg, Futtyghur? 

I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said 
" Sire, c est moi." 

" Parbleu ! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, hold 
ing out his snuff-box. "En usez-vous, Major? I took 
a large pinch (which, with the honour of speaking to so 
great a man, brought the tears into my eyes), and he con 
tinued as nearly as possible in the following words : 

" Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. 
Your third brother, the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey 
Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade." 

Gahagan. " Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen 
in your Majesty s service stood under the green flag in the 
breach of Burgos, and beat Wellington back. It was the 
only time, as your Majesty knows, that Irishmen and Eng 
lishmen were beaten in that war." 

Napoleon (looking as if he would say, " D your can 
dour, Major Gahagan.") "Well, well; it was so. Your 
brother was a Count, and died a General in my service." 

Gahagan. " He was found lying upon the bodies of 
nine-and-twenty Cossacks at Borodino. They were all 
bore the Gahagan mark." 

i (to Montholon). "C est vrai, Montholon: je 
B ma parole d honneur la plus sacree, que c est 
ae font pas d autres, ces terribles Ga gans. You 
7 that Monsieur gained the battle of Delhi as 
s I did that of Austerlitz. In this way: Ce 
Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and 
em in front of Holkar s batteries, qui balay- 
laine, was for charging the enemy s batteries 
lorse, who would have been ecrases, mitrailUs, 




334 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

foudroyes to a man, but for the cunning of ce grand rouge 
que vous voyez." 

Montholon. " Coquin de Major, va ! 

Napoleon. "Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, 
with his great bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the 
fdcheuse position into which he had brought his troops, he 
was for dying on the spot, and would infallibly have done 
so and the loss of his army would have been the ruin of 
the East India Company and che ruin of the English East 
India Company would have established my empire (bah ! it 
was a republic then!) in the East; but that the man before 
us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was riding at the side of 
General Lake." 

Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury). " Gre- 
din ! cent mille tonnerres de Dieu ! 

Napoleon (benignantly). " Calme-toi, vnon fidele ami. 
What will you? It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical 
period of the battle, or rather slaughter (for the English 
had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a retreat." 

Montholon. " Le Idehe ! Un Fran$ais meurt, mais il ne 
recule jamais." 

Napoleon. " Stupide! Don t you see why the retreat 
was ordered? don t you know that it was a feint on the 
part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from his impregnable in- 
trenchments? Don t you know that the ignorant Indian 
fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of 
his guns, came down with his cavalry on the plains in pur 
suit of Lake and his dragoons? Then it was that the En 
glishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of the north 
swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their 
guns, which were useless, entered Holkar s intrenchments 
along with his troops, sabred the artillerymen at their 
pieces, and won the battle of Delhi! 

As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his 
eye flashed fire, his deep clear voice rung as of old when 
he pointed out the enemy from beneath the shadow of the 
Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the charge upon the 
death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud 



THE LIFE^OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 335 

moment in my life, but never such a proud one as this; and 
I would readily pardon the word "coward," as applied to 
me by Montholon, in consideration of the testimony which 
his master bore in my favour. 

"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why 
had I not such a man as you in my service? I would have 
made you a Prince and a Marshal! and here he fell into 
a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport. He 
was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his 
fortunes, and indeed I have very little doubt that I might. 

Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Mar- 
chand, Napoleon s valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of 
that beverage, and talking upon the politics of the clay, the 
Emperor withdrew, leaving me deeply impressed by the 
condescension he had shewn in this remarkable interview. 



15 Vol. 19 



336 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 



CHAPTER III. 

A PEEP INTO SPAIN ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND 
SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS. 

Head Quarters, Morella, Sept. 15, 1838. 

I HAVE been here for some months, along with my young 
friend Cabrera; and in the hurry and bustle of war daily 
on guard and in the batteries for sixteen hours out of the 
twenty- four, with fourteen severe wounds and seven musket- 
balls in my body it may be imagined that I have had little 
time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter 
anna silent leges in the midst of fighting be hanged to 
writing! as the poet says ; and I never would have bothered 
myself with a pen, had not common gratitude incited me to 
throw off a few pages. The publisher and editor of the 
New Monthly Magazine little know what service has been 
done to me by that miscellany. 

Along with Oraa s troops, who have of late been beleag 
uering this place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, 
Mr. Toone O Connor Emmett Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name, 
a law rstudent, and member of Gray s Inn, and what he 
called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny 
was with the Queen s people, not in a military capacity, 
but as representative of an English journal, to which, for a 
trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit of trans 
mitting accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and 
his own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving^ for 
the discharge of this duty, a couple of guineas a- week from 
the proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled, 
as I need scarcely say, to make such a show in Oraa s 
camp as only a Christino general officer, or at the very least 
a colonel of a regiment, can afford to keep up. 

In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty- 
third, I was of course among the foremost in the melee, and 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 337 

found myself, after a good deal of slaughtering (which it 
would be as disagreeable as useless to describe here), in the 
court of a small inn or podesta, which had Veen made the 
headquarters of several queenite officer 8 during the siege. 
The pesatero or landlord of he inn had been despatched by 
my brave chapel churies, with his fine famil^ of children 
the officers quartered in the podesta had 01 course bolted; 
but one man remained, and my fellows were on the point 
of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios, 
when I arrived in the room time enough to prev nt the 
catastrophe. Seeing before me an individual in the cos 
tume of a civilian a white hat, * light-bl^.e satin cravat, 
embroidered with butterflies and other quadrupeds, a green 
coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue plaid trousers, I 
recognized at once a countryman, and interposed to save 
his life. 

In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was say 
ing all that he could to induce the chapel-churies to give 
up their intention of slaughtering him; but it is very little 
likely that his protestations would have had any effect upon 
them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the 
ruffians to hold their hand. 

Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honour 
to hold that rank in the service of his Catholic Majesty), 
and moreover one six feet four in height, and armed with 
that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called, because it is five 
feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish 
armies seeing, I say, this figure, the fellows retired, ex 
claiming, " Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros," and so on, clearly 
proving (by their words) that they would, if they dared, 
have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued from 
their fury. " Villains ! " shouted I, hearing them grumble, 
" away ! quit the apartment ! Each man, sulkily sheath 
ing his sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla. 

It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particu 
lars to which I have briefly adverted; and, informing me 
at the same time that he had a family in England who 
would feel obliged to me for his release, and that his most 






338 THE LIFE OF MAJOK GAHAGAN. 

intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven 
and earth to revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a 
portmanteau passably well filled, which he hoped would 
satisfy the cupidity of my troops. I said, though with 
much regret, that I must subject his person to a search; 
and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what 
I fear you will consider a somewhat tedious explanation. 
I found upon Mr. Sheeny s person three sovereigns in 
English money (which I have to this day), and singularly 
enough a copy of the New Monthly Magazine for March, 
which contained my article. It was a toss-up whether 
I should let the poor young man be shot or no, but this 
little circumstance saved his life. The gratified vanity of 
authorship induced me to accept his portmanteau and 
valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I put 
the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and the 
podesta. 

The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and 
it was full time for me to follow, for I found our sallying- 
party, after committing dreadful ravages in Oraa s lines, 
were in full retreat upon the fort, hotly pressed by a supe 
rior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known and re 
spected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served 
for some months on the Queen s side before I came over to 
Don Carlos) ; and, as it is my maxim never to give quarter, 
I never expect to receive it when taken myself. On issu 
ing from the podesta with Sheeny s portmanteau and my 
sword in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to 
see our own men in a pretty good column retreating at 
double-quick, and about four hundred yards beyond me up 
the hill leading to the fort, while on my left hand, and at 
only a hundred yards, a troop of the queenite lancers were 
clattering along the road. 

I had got into the very middle of the road before I made 
this discovery, so that the fellows had a full sight of me, 
and whizz ! came a bullet by my left whisker before I could 
say Jack Robinson. I looked round there were seventy 
of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I said, 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 339 

a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight 
seventy men, you would write me down a fool or a liar : no, 
sir, I did not fight, I ran away. 

I am six feet four my figure is as well known in the 
Spanish army as that of the Count de Luchana, or my 
fierce little friend Cabrera himself. " GAHAGAN ! " shouted 
out half-a-dozen scoundrelly voices, and fifty more shots 
came rattling after me. I was running, running as the 
brave stag before the hounds running as I have done a 
great number of times before in my life, when there was no 
help for it but a race. 

After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I 
had gained nearly three upon our column in front, and that 
likewise the Christino horsemen were left behind some 
hundred yards more, with the exception of three, who 
were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a 
lance; he had fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty 
yards in advance of his comrades; there was a similar dis 
tance between the two lancers who rode behind him. I 
determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came up de 
livered cut 3 at his horse s near leg off it flew, and down, 
as I expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to 
pass my sword through my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 
was upon me. If I could but get that fellow s horse, 
thought I, I am safe, and I executed at once the plan 
which I hoped was to effect my rescue. 

I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny s portman 
teau, and, unwilling to part with some of the articles it 
contained some shirts, a bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of 
Windsor soap, &c., &c., I had carried it thus far on my 
shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice it malgre 
moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my 
right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head with 
aim so true, that he fell back on his saddle like a sack, 
and thus when the horse galloped up to me, I had no diffi 
culty in dismounting the rider the whiskey bottle struck 
him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. 
To dash him from the saddle and spring myself into it, was 



340 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

the work of a moment; indeed, the two combats had taken 
place in about a fifth part of the time which it has taken 
the reader to peruse the description. But in the rapidity 
of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy s 
horse, I had committed a very absurd oversight I was 
scampering away without my sword ! What was I to do? 
-to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the legs of my 
horse for safety ! 

The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and 
I could hear his horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned 
forward jockey- fashion in my saddle, and kicked, and 
urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in vain. Closer 
closer the point of his lance was within two feet of my 
back. Ah! Ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my 
agony when I felt it enter through exactly fifty-nine pages 
of the New Monthly Magazine. Had it not been for the 
New Monthly Magazine and Humourist, I should have been 
impaled without a shadow of a doubt. Am I wrong in feel 
ing gratitude? Have I not cause to continue my contribu 
tions? 

When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the 
sallying party, I was for the first time made acquainted 
with the ridiculous result of the lancer s thrust (as he de 
livered his lance, I must tell you that a ball came whizz 
over my head from our fellows, and, entering at his nose, 
put a stop to his lancing for the future). I hastened to 
Cabrera s quarter, and related to him some of my adven 
tures during the day. 

"But, General," said he, "you are standing. I beg you 
chiudete Vuscio (take a chair)." 

I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there 
was some foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which 
prevented my sitting at ease. I drew out the Magazine 
which I had seized, and there, to my wonder, discovered 
the Christino lance twisted up like a fish-hook or a pastoral 
crook. 

" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag). 

" Valdepenas madrilenos," growled out Tristany. 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAIIAGAN. 341 

" By ray cachuca di caballero " (upon iny honour as a gentle 
man), shrieked out Ros d Eroles, convulsed with laugh 
ter, "I will send it to the Bishop of Leon for a crozier." 

"G-ahagan has consecrated it," giggled out Eamon Ca 
brera; and so they went on with their muchacas for an 
hour or more. But, when they heard that the means of 
my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly Christino 
had been the Magazine containing my own history, their 
laugh was changed into wonder. I read them (speaking 
Spanish more fluently than English) every word of my 
story. "But how is this? "said Cabrera. "You surely 
have other adventures to relate? 3 

"Excellent Sir," said I, "I have; and that very even 
ing, as we sat over our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I con 
tinued my narrative in nearly the following words : 

" I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, 
which ended, as everybody knows, in the complete triumph 
of the British arms. But who gained the battle? Lord 
Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and Laswaree, while 
Major Gaha nonsense, never mind kirn, never mind the 
charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six- 
foot wall in the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads 
of the gleaming pikes, when, with one hand seizing the 
sacred peish-cush, or fish which was the banner always 
borne before Scindiah, he, with his good sword, cut off 
the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking 
with agony, plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, fol 
lowed by his giant brethren, tossing, like chaff before the 
wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He, meanwhile, now 
plunging into the midst of a battalion of consumahs, now 
cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* 
rushed on, like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, 
killing, with his own hand, a hundred and forty- thr 
but never mind alone he did it ; sufficient be it for 
him, however, that the victory was won; he cares not for 

*The double- jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic reader 
may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his Commentary on the 
Flight of Darius), is so called by the Mahrattas. 



342 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 

the empty honours which were awarded to more fortunate 
men! 

" We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind 
old Shah Allum received us, and bestowed all kinds of 
honours and titles on our general. As each of the officers 
passed before him, the shah did not fail to remark my per 
son,* and was told my name. 

" Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old 
man was so delighted with the account of my victory over 
the elephant (whose trunk I use to this day), that he said, 
Let him be called GUJPTJTI, or the lord of elephants; 
and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards 
familiarly known among the natives, the men, that is. 
The women had a softer appellation for me, and called 
me Mushook, or charmer. 

" Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless 
well known to the reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which 
place we went from Delhi; nor the terrible day at Laswaree, 
which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice it to say that 
we were victorious, and that I was wounded, as I have 
invariably been in the two hundred and four occasions 
when I have found myself in action. One point, however, 
became in the course of this campaign quite evident that 
something must be done for Gahagan. The country cried 
shame, the King s troops grumbled, the sepoys openly mur 
mured that their Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he 
had performed such signal services. What was to be done? 
Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary. Gahagan/ 
wrote he, to be a subaltern is evidently not your fate 
you were born for command ; but Lake and General Welles- 
ley are good officers, they cannot be turned out I must 
make a post for you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a 
- corps of irregular horse ? 

" It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR 
IRREGULARS had its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but 

* There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major s part. Shah 
Allum was notoriously blind : how, then, could he have seen Gaha 
gan? The thing is manifestly impossible. 






THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 343 

one which will long be remembered in the annals of our In 
dian campaigns. 



" As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to 
settle the uniform of the corps, as well as to select recruits. 
These were not wanting as soon as my appointment was 
made known, but came flocking to my standard a great deal 
faster than to the regular corps in the Company s service. 
I had European officers, of course, to command them, and a 
few of my countrymen as sergeants; the rest were all na 
tives, whom I chose of the strongest and bravest men in 
India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and Cal- 
liawns, for these are well known to be the most warlike 
districts of our Indian territory. 

" When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular 
and noble appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, 
in this instance, gave a carte-blanche to my taste, and in 
vented the most splendid costume that ever perhaps deco 
rated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six feet 
four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and pro 
portion. My hair and beard are of the most brilliant 
auburn, so bright as scarcely to be distinguished at a dis 
tance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue, overshadowed 
by bushy eyebrows of the colour of my hair, and a terrific 
gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, 
the eyelid, and the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my 
face a more strictly military appearance than can be con 
ceived. When I have been drinking (as is pretty often the 
case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have another 
which took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of 
my front teeth, I leave you- to imagine that seldom lighted 
on the earth (as the monster Burke remarked of one of his 
unhappy victims) a more extraordinary vision. I im 
proved these natural advantages; and, while in cantonment 
during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to 
grow very long, as did my beard, which reached to my 
waist. It took me two hours daily to curl my hair in ten 



344 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

thousand little corkscrew ringlets, which waved over my 
shoulders, and to get my moustaches well round to the cor 
ners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and 
red morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the 
same colour round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet 
high, and decorated with a tuft of the scarlet feathers of 
the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and I did not allow 
myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull and 
cross-bones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistols, a 
Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and very 
nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant costume. 
My two flags were each surmounted with a real skull and 
cross-bones, and ornamented, one with a black, and the 
other with a red beard (of enormous length, taken from 
men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course 
the arms of John Company; on the other, an image of my 
self bestriding a prostrate elephant, with the simple word 
GUJPUTI written underneath in the Nagaree, Persian, 
and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and 
looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be 
applied the words which were written concerning handsome 
General Webb, in Marlborough s time : 



u < 



To noble danger he conducts the way, 
His great example all his troop obey, 
Before the front the Major sternly rides, 
With such an air as Mars to battle strides. 
Propitious heaven must sure a hero save 
Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave ! 

"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieuten 
ants Glogger, Pappendick, Stuffle, &c. &c.) were dressed 
exactly in the same way, but in yellow, and the men were 
similarly equipped, but in black. I have seen many regi 
ments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the 
Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view 
than any set of ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would 
to heaven that the Czar of Muscovy had passed through 
Caubul and Lahore, and that I with my old Ahmednuggars 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 345 

stood on a fair field to meet him ! Bless you, bless you, 
my swart companions in victory! through the mist of 
twenty years I hear the booming of your war-cry, and mark 
the glitter of your scimitars as ye rage in the thickest of 
the battle ! * 

" But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may 
fancy what a figure the Irregulars cut on a field-day a line 
of five hundred black- faced, black-dressed, black-horsed, 
black-bearded men Biggs, Glogger, and the other officers 
in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of light 
ning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, 
like yon glorious orb in heaven. 

" There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard 
of Holkar s sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, 
in the year 1804, when we thought that the victory of 
Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg had completely 
finished him. Taking ten thousand horse, he broke up his 
camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard 
of him was, that he was at Putna, then at E-umpooge, then 
at Doncaradam he was, in fact, in the very heart of our 
territory. 

"The unfortunate part of the affair was this: His ex 
cellency, despising the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed 
him to advance about two thousand miles in his front, and 
knew not in the slightest degree where to lay hold on him. 
Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody 
knew, and for a considerable period the movements of 
Lake s cavalry were quite ambiguous, uncertain, promiscu 
ous, and undetermined. 

" Such briefly was the state of affairs in October, 1804. 
At the beginning of that month I had been wounded (a 
trifling scratch, cutting off my left upper eyelid, a bit of 

* I do not wish to brag of ray style of writing, or to pretend that 
my genius as a writer has not been equalled in former times ; but if, 
in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe, or Victor Hugo, the reader 
can find a more beautiful sentence than the above, I will be obliged 
to him, that is all I simply say, / mil be obliged to him. G. O G. 
G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A. 



346 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

my cheek, and my under-lip), and I was obliged to leave 
Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired for my 
wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futty- 
ghur it is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex 
of the Dooab. We have there a cantonment, and thither I 
went for the mere sake of the surgeon and the sticking- 
plaster. 

" Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or 
towns : the lower Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the 
upper (which is fortified slightly, and has all along been 
called Futtyghur, meaning in Hindostanee the-favourite- 
resort-of-the-white-f aced - Feringhees-near-the-mango-tope- 
consecrated-to-Ram ) occupied by Europeans. (It is aston 
ishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, 
and how much can be conveyed in one or two of the com 
monest phrases.) 

"Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of 
wondrous pranks with Lord Lake s army, whilst I was de 
tained an unwilling prisoner of health at Futtyghur. 

An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The 
cantonment at Futtyghur contained that which would have 
made any man a happy slave. Woman, lovely woman, was 
there in abundance and variety ! The fact is, that, when 
the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army 
all congregated to this place, where they were left, as it 
was supposed, in safety. I might, like Homer, relate 
the names and qualities of all. I may at least mention 
some, whose memory is still most dear to me. There 
was 

"Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the 
Infantry. 

" Miss Bulcher. 

;< Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer 
to place in large capitals). 

"Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy. 

" Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan. 

"The Honourable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, 
and many more too numerous to mention. The flower of 



THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 347 

our camp was, however, collected there, and the last words 
of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were, Gahagan, I com 
mit those women to your charge. Guard them with your 
life, watch over them with your honour, defend them with 
the matchless power of your indomitable arm. 

" Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and 
the pretty air of the bungalows, amid the clustering topes 
of mango- trees, has often ere this excited the admiration of 
the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of a hill, the Bur- 
rumpooter river rolls majestically at its base, and no spot, 
in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both 
by art and nature, as a favourite residence of the British 
fair. Mrs. Bulcher, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the 
other married ladies above mentioned, had each of them 
delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and between 
one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as 
can the hours of any man who is away from his darling oc 
cupation of war. 

" I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insig 
nificant pettah, defended simply by a couple of gabions, a 
very ordinary counterscarp, and a bomb-proof embrasure. 
On the top of this my flag was planted, and the small gar 
rison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in 
the casemates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there 
were besides three reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, 
who lived in the town) completed, as I may say, the gar 
rison of our little fortalice, which I was left to defend and 
to command. 

"On the night of the 1st of November, in the year 
1804, I had invited Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her 
daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and, indeed, all the 
ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in honour of 
the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the 
shooting season, and indeed as a farewell visit, for it was 
my intention to take dawk the very next morning and return 
to my regiment. The three amateur missionaries whom I 
have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very 
rigid religious principles, refused to appear at my little 



348 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

party. They had better never have been born than have 
done as they did, as you shall hear. 

" We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper 
(chiefly of the delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and 
other birds of a similar kind, which I had shot in the 
course of the day) had been duly feted by every lady and 
gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire 
on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda 
Bulcher. I was occupied, as the French say, in conter-ing 
fleurettes to this sweet young creature, when, all of a sud 
den, a rocket was seen whizzing through the air, and a 
strong light was visible in the valley below the little fort. 

" What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan, said Belinda; 
* this is too gallant. 

" Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher, said I, they are fire 
works of which I have no idea : perhaps our friends the 
missionaries 

" Look, look ! said Belinda, trembling, and clutching 
tightly hold of my arm : what do I see? yes no yes ! it 
is our bungalow is in flames ! 

"It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. 
Major-General was at that moment seen a prey to the de 
vouring element another and another succeeded it seven 
bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the name of 
Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black 
midnight air ! 

" I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot 
where the conflagration raged, what was my astonishment 
to see thousands of black forms dancing round the fires; 
whilst by their lights I could observe columns after col 
umns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their ground 
in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which 
the bungalows were built! 

" * Ho, warder ! shouted I (while the frightened and 
trembling Belinda clung closer to my side, and pressed the 
stalwart arm that encircled her waist), down with the 
drawbridge! see that your masolgees (small tumbrels 
which are used in place of large artillery) be well loaded; 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 349 

you sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin ! you choprasees, 
put out the lights in the embrasures ! we shall have warm 
work of it to-night, or my name is not Goliah Gahagan. 

" The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), 
the sepoys, choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all 
crowded on the platform at the sound of my shouting, and 
dreadful was the consternation, shrill the screaming, occa 
sioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and mute 
with terror; the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither 
to fly for refuge. Who are yonder ruffians? said I. A 
hundred voices yelped in reply some said the Pindarees, 
some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, and 
others declared it was Holkar no one knew. 

" Is there any one here/ said I, who will venture to 
reconnoitre yonder troops? There was a dead pause. 

" A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me 
news of yonder army ! again I repeated. Still a dead 
silence. The fact was that Scindiah and Holkar both were 
so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared venture to 
face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Ahmednug- 
garees ! thought I. 

" * Gentlemen/ said I, I see it you are cowards none 
of you dare encounter the chance even of death. It is an 
encouraging prospect know you not that the ruffian Holkar, 
if it be he, will with the morrow s dawn beleaguer our lit 
tle fort, and throw thousands of men against our walls? 
know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no 
hope; death for us and worse than death for these lovely 
ones assembled here? Here the ladies shrieked and raised 
a howl as I have heard the jackals on a summer s evening. 
Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both her arms round me, 
and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket 
rather, for the little witch could reach no higher). 

" Captain Gahagan, sobbed she, Go Go Goggle 
iah ! > 

" My soul s adored! replied I. 

" Swear to me one thing. 

" I swear. 7 



350 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

" That if that if the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah- 
ra-a-a-attahs take the fort, you will put me out of their 
power. 

" I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon iny 
sword that, rather than she should incur the risk of dis 
honour, she should perish by my own hand. This com 
forted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major- General Bulcher, 
and her elder sister, who had not until now known a word 
of our attachment (indeed, but for these extraordinary cir 
cumstances, it is probable that we ourselves should never 
have discovered it), were under these painful circumstances 
made aware of my beloved Belinda s partiality for me. 
Having communicated thus her wish of self-destruction, I 
thought her example a touching and excellent one, and pro 
posed to all the ladies that they should follow it, and that 
at the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at a signal 
given by me, they should one and all make away with 
themselves. Fancy my disgust when, after making this 
proposition, not one of the ladies chose to accede to it, and 
received it with the same chilling denial that my former 
proposal to the garrison had met with. 

"In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if pur 
posely to add to it, a trumpet was heard at the gate of the 
fort, and one of the sentinels came running to me, saying 
that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate with a flag of 
truce ! 

I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, 
that the party, whoever they might be, had no artillery; 
and received at the point of my sword a scroll, of which 
the following is a translation : 

" TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI. 

" Lord of Elephants, Sir, I have the honour to in 
form you that I arrived before this place at eight o clock 
P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under my orders. I have 
burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in Furrucka- 
bad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the pain- 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 351 

ful necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs), 
and seven English officers, whom I found in the village; 
the women have been transferred to safe keeping in the 
harems of my officers and myself. 

" As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very 
happy if you will surrender the fortress, and take service 
as a major-general (hookabadar) in my army. Should my 
proposal not meet with your assent, I beg leave to state 
that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on taking it, 
shall put to death every male in the garrison, and every 
female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall 
reserve a punishment, which for novelty and exquisite tor 
ture has, I flatter myself, hardly ever been exceeded. 
Awaiting the favour of a reply, I am, Sir, 

" Your very obedient servant, 

" * JASWUNT Row HOLKAR. 

" Camp before Futtyghur, Sept, 1, 1804 
" < R. S. V. P. 

" The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is 
astonishing how Holkar had aped the forms of English 
correspondence), an enormous Pitan soldier, with a shirt of 
mail, and a steel cap and cape, round which his turban 
wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock, and 
whistling a national melody. I read the letter, and saw 
at once there was no time to be lost. That man, thought 
I, must never go back to Holkar. Were he to attack us 
now before we were prepared, the fort would be his in half 
an hour. 

" Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung 
open the gate and advanced to the officer; he was standing, 
I said, on the little bridge across the moat. I made him a 
low salaam, after the fashion of the country, and, as he 
bent forward to return the compliment, I am sorry to say, 
I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head 
which deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him 
within the wall, raising the drawbridge after me. 

" I bore the body into my own apartment; there, swift 



352 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

as thought, I stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, 
peijammahs, and papooshes, and, putting them on myself, 

determined to go forth and reconnoitre the enemy," 

=*#*#* 

Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d Eroles, 
and the rest of the staff, were sound asleep ! What I did 
in my reconnaissance, and how I defended the fort of 
Futtyghur, I shall have the honour of telling on another 
occasion. 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 353 



CHAPTER IV. 

THE INDIAN CAMP THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT. 

Head Quarters, Morella, October 3, 18-38. 

IT is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the 
tambourine, and the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, 
as they dance beneath my casement, under the shadow of 
the clustering vines. The laugh and song pass gaily round, 
and even at this distance I can distinguish the elegant form 
of Karnon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears 
of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of 
Riego s hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated by the 
enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the 
most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of our little 
fortalice; the large casements are open the wind, as it 
enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the 
orange grove and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch 
of the fragrant cedar-tree) flares and nickers in the mid 
night breeze, and disperses its scent and burning splinters 
on my scroll and the desk where I write meet implements 
for a soldier s authorship! it is cartridge paper over which 
my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder 
forms my rough writing-table. Around me, below me, 
above me, all all is peace ! I think, as I sit here so lonely, 
on my country, England ! and muse over the sweet and bit 
ter recollections of my early days ! Let me resume my 
narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the authorita 
tive summons of war) I paused on the last occasion. 

I left off, I think (for I am a thousand miles away 
from proof-sheets as I write and, were I not writing the 
simple TRUTH, must contradict myself a thousand times in 
the course of my tale,) I think, I say, that I left off at that 
period of my story, when, Holkar being before Futtyghur, 
and I in command of that fortress, I had just been com- 



354 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

pelled to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in 
the fallen Indian s accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre 
the force, and, if possible, to learn the intentions of the 
enemy. However much my figure might have resembled 
that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armour, might have 
deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was 
about to plunge, it was evident that a single glance at my 
fair face and auburn beard would have undeceived the dull 
est blockhead in Holkar s army. Seizing, then, a bottle of 
Burgess s walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my hands, 
and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren s jet, I made 
my hair and beard as black as ebony. The Indian s helmet 
and chain hood covered likewise a great part of my face, 
and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence, and a complete 
command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from 
Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this some 
what dangerous ordeal. 

I had not the word of the night, it is true but I trusted 
to good fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the for 
tress, bearing the flag of truce as before; I had scarcely 
passed on a couple of hundred yards, when, lo ! a party of 
Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just overcome, 
trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, 
and no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from his 
own horse, and giving the rein to a companion, he advanced 
to meet me with the charger; a second fellow likewise dis 
mounted and followed the first; one held the bridle of the 
horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams, alei- 
kums, and other genuflexions,) held the jewelled stirrup, 
and kneeling, waited until I should mount. 

I took the hint at once : the Indian who had come up to 
the fort was a great man that was evident; I walked on 
with a majestic air, gathered up the velvet reins, and sprung 
into the magnificent high-peaked saddle. "Buk, buk," 
said I, " it is good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums, 
let us ride on; and the whole party set off at a brisk 
trot, I keeping silence, and thinking with no little trepi 
dation of what I was about to encounter. 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 355 

As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting 
upon my unusual silence (for I suppose, I that is the In 
dian was a talkative officer) . " The lips of the Bahawder 
are closed," said one. "Where are those birds of Para 
dise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned between 
the golden bars of his teeth ! 

"Kush," said his companion, "be quiet! Bobbachy Ba 
hawder has seen the dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan 
Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword reaps the harvest 
of death; there is but one champion who can wear the pa- 
pooshes of the elephant-slayer it is Bobbachy Bahawder ! 

" You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ru 
minates on the words of the unbeliever : he is an ostrich, 
and hatches the eggs of his thoughts." 

" Bekhusm ! on my nose be it ! May the young birds, 
his actions, be strong and swift in flight." 

" May they digest iron ! said Puneeree Muckun, who 
was evidently a wag in his way. 

"0, ho! " thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon 
me. "It was, then, the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, 
whom I overcame just now ! and he is the man destined to 
stand in my slippers, is he? :> and I was at that very mo 
ment standing in his own! Such are the chances and 
changes that fall to the lot of the soldier ! 

I suppose everybody everybody who has been in India, 
at least has heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder; it is 
derived from the two Hindostanee words bobbachy, gen 
eral; bahawder, artilleryman. He had entered into Hol- 
kar s service in the latter capacity, and had, by his merit 
and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity 
of the peacock s feather, which is only granted to noblemen 
of the first class; he was married, moreover, to one of Hol- 
kar s innumerable daughters; a match which, according to 
the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of honour than 
of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in 
the field, it was said that in the harem he was the veriest 
craven alive completely subjugated by his ug]y and odious 
wife. In all matters of importance the late Bahawder 



356 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears 
(knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash 
in his attack upon so formidable an enemy), sent forward 
the unfortunate Pi tan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to 
have done yet more, as I learned from the attendant Punee- 
ree Muckun, who was, I soon found out, an old favourite 
with the Bobbachy doubtless on account of his honesty 
and love of repartee. 

"The Bahawder s lips are closed," said he, at last, trot 
ting up to me; "has he not a word for old Puneeree Muc 
kun? " 

" Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I ; which means, 
" My good friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble 
of relation, and fills my bosom with the darkest forebod 
ings." 

" You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him 
with your dagger? ; 

[Here was a pretty conspiracy !] " No, I saw him, but 
not alone; his people were always with him." 

" Hurrumzadeh ! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of 
your jogree (whistle), and straightway would have galloped 
up and seized upon every man, woman, and child in the 
fort: however, there are but a dozen men in the garrison, 
and they have not provision for two days they must 
yield; and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I 
am told the soldiers who first get in are to have their pick. 
How my old woman, Botee Muckun, will be surprised when. 
I bring home a couple of Eeringhee wives, ha! ha! 

" Fool ! " said I, " be still ! twelve men in the garrison ! 
there are twelve hundred ! Gahagan himself is as good as 
a thousand men; and as for food, I saw, with my own eyes, 
five hundred bullocks grazing in the courtyard as I entered." 
This was a bouncer, I confess; but my object was to deceive 
Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possi 
ble of the capabilities of defence which the besieged had, 

"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of 
a fortress; we shall never be able to take it until our guns 
come up/ 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 357 

There was hope then ! they had no battering train. Ere 
this arrived, I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our 
plight, and march down to rescue us. Thus occupied in 
thought and conversation, we rode on until the advanced 
sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word, 
and we passed on into the centre of Holkar s camp. 

It was a strange a stirring sight ! The camp-fires were 
lighted; and round them eating, reposing, talking, look 
ing at the merry steps of the dancing-girls, or listening to 
the stories of some Dhol Baut (or Indian improvisatore) 
were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and horses 
were picketed under the banyan trees, on which the ripe 
mango fruit was growing, and offered them an excellent 
food. Towards the spot which the golden fish and royal 
purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the tent of 
Holkar, led an immense avenue of elephants ! the finest 
street, indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals 
had a castle on its back, armed with Mauritanian archers 
and the celebrated Persian matchlock-men : it was the feed 
ing time of these royal brutes, and the grooms were ob 
served bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with 
pineapples, plantains, bananas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, 
which grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We 
passed down this extraordinary avenue no less than three 
hundred and eighty-eight tails did I count on each side 
each tail appertaining to an elephant twenty -five feet high 
each elephant having a two-storied castle on its back 
each castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the 
twelve men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch 
on the roof each roof bearing a flag-staff twenty feet long 
on its top, the crescent glittering with a thousand gems, 
and round it the imperial standard, each standard, of silk 
velvet and cloth of gold, bearing the well-known device of 
Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of the first, a 
chevron, truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in 
the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, 
when I come to England, to shew them to any gentleman 
who has a curiosity that way. Through this gorgeous scene 



358 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

our little cavalcade passed, and at last we arrived at tlie 
quarters occupied by Holkar. 

That celebrated chieftain s tents and followers were gath 
ered round one of the British bungalows which had escaped 
the flames, and which he occupied during the siege. When 
I entered the large room where he sate, I found him in the 
midst of a council of war; his chief generals and viziers 
seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the com 
mon way with these black fellows, before, at, and after 
breakfast, dinner, supper, and bedtime. There was such 
a cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard 
before you another piece of good luck for me as it dimin 
ished the chances of my detection. When, with the ordi 
nary ceremonies, the kitmutgars and consomahs had ex 
plained to the prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the right 
eye of the Sun of the universe (as the ignorant heathens 
called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar immedi 
ately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, 
on which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, 
instantly taking off my slippers, falling on my knees, and 
beating my head against the ground ninety-nine times, pro 
ceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and twenty feet 
through the room, and then up the twenty steps which led 
to his maidaun a silly, painful, and disgusting ceremony, 
which can only be considered as a relic of barbarian dark 
ness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let alone 
the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who goes to India, 
with the prospect of entering the service of the native ra 
jahs, to recollect my advice, and have them well ivadded. 

Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled 
as well as he could up the steps of the maidaun (on which, 
in rows, smoking as I have said, the musnuds or general 
officers were seated), and I arrived within speaking-distance 
of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of my mis 
sion. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multi 
tude of questions : " How many men are there in the fort? 3 
said he; "how many women? Is it victualled? have they 
ammunition? Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the commander? 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 359 

did you kill him? All these questions Jeswunt Row 
Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of tobacco. 

Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a 
cloud that, upon my honour as a gentleman, no man at 
three yards distance could perceive anything of me except 
the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I told 
Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could 
with regard to the fort. 

"Sir/ said I, "to answer your last question first that 
dreadful Gujputi I have seen and he is alive : he is eight 
feet, nearly, in height; he can eat a bullock daily (of which 
he has seven hundred at present in the compound, and 
swears that during the siege he will content himself with 
only three a-week) : he has lost, in battle, his left eye; 
and what is the consequence? ORamGunge >; (0 thou- 
with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning and-with-beard-as-black- 
as-night), "Goliah Gujputi NEVER SLEEPS! 

"Ah, you Ghorumsaug" (you thief of the world), said 
the Prince Vizier, Saadut Allee Beg Bimbukchee "it s 
joking you are; -and there was a universal buzz through 
the room at the announcement of this bouncer. 

"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnou," 
said I, solemnly (an oath which no Indian was ever known 
to break), "I swear that so it is; so at least he told me, 
and I have good cause to know his power. Gujputi is an 
enchanter, he is leagued with devils, he is invulnerable. 
Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger, and every eye turned 
instantly towards me "thrice did I stab him with this 
steel in the back, once twice right through the heart; 
but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar 
that the steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an in 
jury upon him." 

I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I 
gave him this somewhat imprudent message. 

"Ah, lily-livered rogue ! " shouted he out to me, " milk- 
blooded unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after 
insulting thy master in thy presence? In the name of the 
Prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade 

1 6 Vol. 10 



360 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

thee ! Take that, thou liar of the universe ! and that and 
that and that ! 7 

Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds ! every 
time this old man said, " Take that," he flung some article 
near him at the head of the undaunted Gahagan his dag 
ger, his sword, his carbine, his richly ornamented pistols, 
his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred thousand 
crores of rupees finally, his hookah, snake mouth-piece, 
silver bell, chillum and all which went hissing over my 
head and flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand 
Vizier. 

" Yock muzzee ! my nose is off," said the old man, mildly. 
"Will you have my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise ! " 
and no other word of complaint escaped his lips. i 

Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone 
off as the ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the 
naked scimitar, fiercely but unadroitly thrown, had lopped 
off the limbs of one or two of the musnuds as they sat trem 
bling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not a single 
weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the 
unlucky wretches who had been the victims of this fit of 
rage had been removed, Holkar s good-humour somewhat 
returned, and he allowed me to continue my account of the 
fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his 
burst of impatience, as indeed it would have been the 
height of impoliteness to have done, for such accidents hap 
pened many times in the day. 

"It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled out 
the poor Grand Vizier, after I had explained to the council 
the extraordinary means of defence possessed by the garri 
son. "Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for this very 
night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we 
had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the 
edge of the sword." 

"But you have no battering train," said I. 

"Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite 
sufficient to blow the gates open; and then, hey for a 
charge ! " said Loll Mahommed, a general of cavalry, who 



THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAH. 361 

was a rival of Bobbachy s, and contradicted, therefore, 
every word I said. "In the name of Juggernaut, why wait 
for the heavy artillery? Have we not swords? Have we 
not hearts? Mashallah! Let cravens stay with Bobbachy, 
all true men will follow Loll Mahommed! Allahhumdil- 
lah, Bisniillah, Barikallah? " * and drawing his scimitar, he 
waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. 
It was repeated by many of the other omrahs; the sound 
of their cheers was carried into the camp, and caught up 
by the men; the camels began to cry, the horses to prance 
and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream, 
the trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instru 
ments. I never heard such a din before or after. How 
I trembled for my little garrison when I heard the enthu 
siastic cries of this innumerable host ! 

There was but one way for it. " Sir/ said I, addressing 
Holkar, "go out to-night, and you go to certain death. 
Loll Mahommed has not seen the fort as I have. Pass the- 
gate if you please, and for what? to fall before the fire of 
a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate, and 
then another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan s 
garrison in the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were I 
not in your august presence, O star of the faithful, I would 
crop Loll Mahommed s nose from his face, and wear his 
ears as an ornament in my own pugree I Who is there here 
that knows not the difference between yonder yellow- 
skinned coward and Gahagan Khan Guj I mean Bobbachy 
Bahawder? I am ready to fight one, two, three, or twenty 
of them, at broad-sword, small-sword, single-stick, with 
fists, if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is like 
mate and dthrink to Ga to Bobbachy, I mane whoop! 
come on, you divvle, and I ll bate the skin off your ugly 
bones." 

This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for, 
when I am agitated, I involuntarily adopt some of the 

* The Major has put the most approved language into the mouths 
of his Indian characters. Bisniillah, Barikallah, and so on, accord 
ing to the novelists, form the very essence of Eastern conversation. 



362 THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

phraseology peculiar to my own country; which is so un- 
eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as to my real 
character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it 
was, Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped 
the dispute. Loll Mahommed, however, evidently suspected 
something, for, as Holkar, with a voice of thunder, shouted 
out, "Tomasha," (silence, ) Loll sprung forward and gasped 
out 

" My Lord ! my Lord ! this is not Bob " 

But he could say no more. " G-ag the slave ! " screamed 
out Holkar, stamping with fury; and a turban was instantly 
twisted round the poor devil s jaws. " Ho, f uroshes ! carry 
out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred dozen 
on the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, 
and carry him round the camp, with an inscription be 
fore him : This is the way that Holkar rewards the talk 
ative. ? " 

I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the 
bamboo falling on Loll Mahommed 7 s feet, I felt peace re 
turning to my mind, and thanked my stars that I was de 
livered of this danger. 

"Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll s roars amaz 
ingly, " I owe you a reparation for your nose : kiss the hand 
of your prince, O Saadat Allee Beg Bimbukchee ! be from 
this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut ! 

The good old man s eyes filled with tears. "I can bear 
thy severity, O Prince," said he; "I cannot bear thy love. 
Was it not an honour that your highness did me just now, 
when you condescended to pass over the bridge of your 
slave s nose? " 

The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very po 
etical. The Vizier retired, crowned with his new honours, 
to bed. Holkar was in high good-humour. 

"Bobbachy," said he, "thou, too, must pardon me; a 
propos I have news for thee. Your wife, the incompara 
ble Puttee Kooge, (white and red rose,) has arrived in 
camp." 

" MY WIFE, my Lord ! " said I, aghast. 



THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 363 



"Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; 
I see thou art wild with joy. The princess s tents are 
set up close by mine, and I know thou longest to join 
her." 

My wife ! Here was a complication truly I 



364 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 



CHAPTEE V. 

THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE. 

I FOUND Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attend 
ants, waiting at the gate, and they immediately conducted 
me to my own tents in the neighbourhood. I have been in 
many dangerous predicaments before that time and since, 
but I don t care to deny that I felt in the present instance 
such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced 
when leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery. 

As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprung 
forward, some to ease me of my armour, some to offer me 
refreshments, some with hookahs, attar of roses (in great 
quart bottles), and the thousand delicacies of Eastern life. 
I motioned them away. "I will wear my armour," said I; 
" I shall go forth to-night : carry my duty to the princess, 
and say I grieve that to-night I have not the time to see 
her. Spread me a couch here, and bring me supper here : 
a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed with pis 
tachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid 
-anything. Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, 
and tell me when the meal is ready." 

I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, 
and hoped to be able to escape without subjecting myself 
to the examination of her curious eyes. After smoking for 
a while, an attendant came to tell me that my supper was 
prepared in the inner apartment of the tent (I suppose that 
the reader, if he be possessed of the commonest intelligence, 
knows that the tents of the Indian grandees are made of 
the finest Cashmere shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at 
least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash windows complete). 
I entered, I say, into an inner chamber, and there began 
with my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental fashion, 
taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar, which 
was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow. 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 365 

I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a 
most savoury stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my 
meal, when I heard a scuffle of feet, a shrill clatter of fe 
male voices, and, the curtain being flung open, in marched 
a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon-faces and 
slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise. 

The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a con 
trast to her attendants as could possibly be; she was crook 
ed, old, of the complexion of molasses, and rendered a 
thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress and the blaz 
ing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow 
chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which 
was further ornamented by an immense glittering nose 
ring), her eyelids painted bright red, and a large dab of the 
same colour on her chin, showed she was not of the Mus 
sulman, but the Brahmin faith and of a very high caste; 
you could see that by her eyes. My mind was instanta 
neously made up as to my line of action. 

The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, 
as they heard the well-known sound of her voice. It would 
have been death to them to have remained and looked in 
her face. The females ranged themselves round their mis 
tress, as she squatted down opposite to me. 

"And is this," said she, "a welcome, O Khan! after six 
months absence, for the most unfortunate and loving wife 
in all the world? Is this lamb, glutton! half so tender 
as thy spouse? Is this wine, sot! half so sweet as her 
looks? " 

I saw the storm was brewing her slaves, to whom she 
turned, kept up a kind of chorus : 

"Oh, the faithless one!" cried they; "0, the rascal, the 
false one, who has no eye for beauty, and no heart for 
love, like the Khanum s! 

"A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely: "but 
a lamb has a good temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicat 
ing as a woman but a wine-cup has no tongue, Khauuni 
Gee ! " and again I dipped my nose in the soul-refreshing 
jar. 



366 THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

The sweet Puttee Eooge was not, however, to be put off 
by my repartees; she and her maidens recommenced their 
chorus, and chattered and stormed until I lost all patience. 

"Retire, friends," said I, "and leave me in peace." 

" Stir, on your peril! " cried the Khanum. 

So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew 
out my pistols, cocked them, and said, " houris ! these 
pistols contain each two balls: the daughter of Holkar 
bears a sacred life for me but for you ! by all the saints 
of Hindoostan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment 
longer in my presence ! ? This was enough ; the ladies 
gave a shriek, and skurried out of the apartment like a 
covey of partridges on the wing. 

Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather 
Bobbachy s wife, sate still, a little flurried by the unusual 
ferocity which her lord had displayed in her presence. I 
seized her hand, and, gripping it close, whispered in her 
ear, to which I put the other pistol, "O Khanum, listen 
and scream not; the moment you scream, you die ! " She 
was completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman 
could in her situation, and said, " Speak, Bobbachy Bahaw- 
der, I am dumb." 

"Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing 
the chain cape which had covered almost the whole of my 
face "/ am not thy husband I am the slayer of ele 
phants, the world-renowned GAHAGAN ! 

As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell 
over my shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed 
face and beard), I formed one of the finest pictures that 
can possibly be conceived, and I recommend it as a subject 
to Mr. Heath, for the next "Book of Beauty." 

" Wretch ! " said she, " what wouldst thou? J 

"You black- faced fiend," said I, "raise but your voice, 
and you are dead ! " 

"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that you 
can escape? The torments of hell are not so terrible as the 
tortures that Holkar will invent for thee." 

"Tortures, madam," answered I, coolly. "Fiddlesticks! 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 367 

You will neither betray me, nor will I be put to the tor 
ture : on the contrary, you will give me your best jewels 
and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don t grind your 
teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam; you know this 
dress and these arms, they are the arms of your husband, 
Bobbachy Bahawder my prisoner. He now lies in yonder 
fort, and if I do not return before daylight, at sunrise he 
dies : and then, when they send his corpse back to Holkar, 
what will you, his widow, do? 

" Oh ! " said she, shuddering, " spare me, spare me ! ; 
: , "I ll tell you what you will do. You will have the 
pleasure of dying along with him of being roasted, madam, 
an agonizing death, from which your father cannot save 
you, to which he will be the first man to condemn and con 
duct you. Ha ! I see we understand each other, and you 
will give me over the cash- box and jewels." And so say 
ing I threw myself back with the calmest air imaginable, 
flinging the pistols over to her. " Light me a pipe, my love," 
said I, "and then go and hand me over the dollars; do you 
hear? >: You see I had her in my power up a tree, as the 
Americans say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for 
me, and then departed for the goods I spoke about. 

What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been 
made to take that ride round the camp, I should infallibly 
have been lost. 

My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe 
afterwards, had occupied a couple of hours of my time. 
The princess returned from her quest, and brought with 
her the box, containing valuables to the amount of about 
three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards, 
but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about 
to take my departure, when a tremendous knocking, shout 
ing, and screaming was heard at the entrance of the tent. 
It was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed Loll 
Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master 
restored to good-humour, and had communicated to him his 
firm conviction that I was an impostor. 

" Ho, Begum ! " shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and 



368 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

his people could not enter the women s apartments), " speak, 
my daughter! is your husband returned? ? 

"Speak, madam," said I, "or remember the roasting." 

"He is, papa," said the Begum. 

"Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!" (the old ruffian was 
laughing outside) "are you sure it is? Ha! ha! ha! 
he-ere ! " 

" Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to 
go, and to pass no more such shameless jests on your daugh 
ter. Have I ever seen the face of any other man? ; And 
hereat she began to weep as if her heart would break the 
deceitful minx ! 

Holkar s laugh was instantly turned to fury. "Oh, you 
liar and eternal thief ! " said he, turning round (as I pre 
sume, for I could only hear) to Loll Mahornmed, " to make 
your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this! Furoshes, 
seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade 
him from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property j 
and hark ye, furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED DOZEN MOBS ! r 

Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace 

flowed into my soul. 

* * * * * 

Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to 
approach the little fortress of Futtyghur : one was a woman 
wrapped closely in a veil, the other a warrior, remarkable 
for the size and manly beauty of his form, who carried in 
his hand a deal box of considerable size. The warrior at 
the gate gave the word and was admitted; the woman re 
turned slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee 
Kooge; his was 

G. O G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S. C, I. H. A. 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 369 



CHAPTER VI. 

FAMINE IN THE GARRISON. 

THUS my dangers for the night being overcome I hastened 
with my precious box into my own apartment, which com 
municated with another, where I had left my prisoner, with 
a guard to report if he should recover, and to prevent his 
escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of the guard. 
I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much con 
fused and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance. 

"Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look so 
pale, fellow? r (He was as white as a sheet.) "It is thy 
master, dost thou not remember him? ? The man had seen 
me dress myself in the Pitan s clothes, but was not present 
when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I 
have described. 

" O Bramah, Vishnou, and Mahomet ! " cried the faithful 
fellow, " and do I see my dear master disguised in this 
way? For heaven s sake let me rid you of this odious 
black paint; for what will the ladies say in the ball-room, 
if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them 
with his roses turned into coal? " 

I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the 
time of which I write, when only two-and-twenty, I con 
fess I ivas a little vain of my personal appearance, and not 
very willing to appear before my dear Belinda disguised 
like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me of 
the heathenish armour and habiliments which I wore; and 
having, with a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my 
face and beard of their black tinge, I put on my own be 
coming uniform, and hastened to wait on the ladies; has 
tened, I say, although delayed would have been the better 
word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two 
hours. 



370 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN, 

" How is the prisoner, Ghoramsaug? " said I, before 
leaving my apartment. 

" He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt 
him; two men and myself watch over him; and Macgilli- 
cuddy Sahib (the second in command) has just been the 
rounds, and has seen that all was secure." 

I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of 
treasure (my exultation in taking it was so great that I 
could not help informing him of its contents); and this 
done, I despatched him to his post near the prisoner, while 
I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the fair 
creatures under my protection. What good after all have 
I done, thought I to myself, in this expedition which I 
had so rashly undertaken? I had seen the renowned Hol- 
kar, I had been in the heart of his camp; I knew the dis 
position of his troops, that there were eleven thousand of 
them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a 
regular attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge; I 
had robbed her (I say robbed her, and I don t care what the 
reader or any other man may think of the act,) of a deal 
box, containing jewels to the amount of three millions ster 
ling, the property of herself and husband. 

Three millions in money and jewels! And what the 
deuce were money and jewels to me or to my poor garrison? 
Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat a f ricasee of diamonds, 
or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her tea? Could I, 
careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would di 
gest anything (once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse 
during a famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel 
that I bolted the shoe, as well as the hoof, and never felt 
the slightest inconvenience from either) could I, I say, 
expect to live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a 
,dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth 
of Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have 
paid cheerfully its weight in carats fora good honest round 
of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, what art thou? What is 
gold? Soft metal. What are diamonds? Shining tinsel. 
The great wealth-winners, the only fame- achievers, the sole 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 371 

objects worthy of a soldier s consideration, are beef-steaks, 
gunpowder, and cold iron. 

The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had 
in my own apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping 
it under my own bed, with a candle burning for fear of 
accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery (4 long 48 s and 4 
carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for grape, 
which I had taken myself at the battle of Assye), and 
muskets for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have 
told the reader in a previous number, consisted of 40 men, 
two chaplains, and a surgeon; add to these my guests, 83 
in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights, 
powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out 
merely for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege). 
Such were our numbers : 

Troops and artillerymen, ... 40 

Ladies, 74 

Other non-combatants, . . . .11 
MAJOR G. O G. GAHAGAN, t . . 1,000 

1,125 

I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regu 
larly rated in the army : with this great benefit to it, that 
I only consumed as much as an ordinary mortal. We were 
then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths; as comba 
tants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a 
fort, against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming 
odds, if- 

If! ay, there was the rub if we had shot, as well as 
powder for our guns; if we had not only men but meat. 
Of the former commodity we had only three rounds for 
each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honour, to feed 
126 souls, we had but 

Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. 

Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer. 

Of soda-water, four do. do. 

Two bottles fine Spanish olives. 

Raspberry cream the remainder of two dishes. 



372 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAOAN. 

Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle. 

Half a drum of best Turkey figs. 

Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust of 
an old Stilton ; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins. 

Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant- jelly, and 197 bottles 
of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock) ; a couple 
of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil. 

This was the provision for the whole garrison ! The men 
after supper had seized upon the relics of the repast, as 
they were carried off from the table; and these were the 
miserable remnants I found and counted on my return : 
taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and 
treasure what little sustenance still remained in it. 

When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the 
morning snn, I not only caused a sensation myself, but felt 
one in my own bosom, which was of the most painful de 
scription. Oh, my reader ! may you never behold such a 
sight as that which presented itself : eighty- three men and 
women in ball-dresses; the former with their -lank pow 
dered locks streaming over their faces; the latter with 
faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged rouge, blear eyes, 
draggling feathers, rumpled satins each more desperately 
melancholy and hideous than the other each, except my 
beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never hav 
ing been in curl could of course never go out of curl; whose 
cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it may naturally be sup 
posed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous arms, 
dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and there 
fore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl- 
powder had come off. Joy (deft link-boy !) lit his lamps 
in each of her eyes as I entered. As if I had been her sun, 
her spring, lo! blushing roses mantled in her cheek! Sev 
enty-three ladies, as I entered, opened their fire upon me, 
and stunned me with cross-questions, regarding my adven 
tures in the camp she, as she saw me, gave a faint scream 
(the sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat 
of a woman !) then started up then made as if she would 
sit down then moved backwards then tottered forwards 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 373 

then tumbled into my Psha ! why recall, why attempt 
to describe that delicious that passionate greeting of two 
young hearts? What was the surrounding crowd to us? 
What cared we for the sneers of the men, the titters of the 
jealous women, the shrill "Upon my word," of the elder 
Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda s 
mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms. 
" Goliah ! my Goliah ! " said she, " my brave, my beautiful, 
thou art returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh! 
who can tell the anguish of my soul, during this dreadful, 
dreadful night ! Other similar ejaculations of love and 
joy she uttered; and if I had perilled life in her service, if 
I did believe that hope of escape there was none, so exquis 
ite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else 

in this overwhelming joy ! 

***** 

[The Major s description of this meeting, which lasted 
at the very most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of 
writing. We have been compelled to dock off twelve-and- 
a-half; for the whole passage, though highly creditable to 
his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the reader.] 
***** 

As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to 
sneer, and were giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a 
chair, and, scowling round with a tremendous fierceness, 
which those who know me know I can sometimes put on, I 
shouted out, "Hark ye! men and women I am this lady s 
truest knight her husband I hope one day to be. I am 
commander, too, in this fort the enemy is without it; 
another word of mockery another glance of scorn and, 
by heaven, I will hurl every man and woman from the bat 
tlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar ! This quieted 
them. I am. a man of my word, and none of them stirred 
or looked disrespectfully from that moment. 

It was now my turn to make them look foolish. Mrs. 
Vandegobbleschroy (whose unfailing appetite is pretty well 
known to every person who has been in India) cried, " Well, 
Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so pleasant, and the 



374 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the 
ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast. " And Mrs. 
Van giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasona 
ble speech. " Oh ! breakfast, breakfast by all means," said 
the rest; " we really are dying for a warm cup of tea." 

" Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you d like, ladies? " 
says I. 

"Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat 
Mrs. Van. 

" What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER? " 
Of course they said it was the very thing. 

" And do you like hot rowls or cowld muffins or crum 
pets fresh butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do 
you say to some ilegant divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and 
just a trifle of grilled turkeys, and a couple of hundthred 
new-laid eggs for the ladies? " 

"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," an 
swered they all. 

"But stop," says I. "O ladies, O ladies; O gentlemen, 
gentlemen, that you should ever have come to the quarters 
of Goliah Gahagan, and he been without " 

" What? " said they, in a breath. 

, " Alas ! alas ! I have not got a single stick of chocolate 
in the whole house." 

" Well, well, we can do without it." 

"Or a single pound of coffee." 

"Nevermind; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van and the 
rest were beginning to look alarmed. ) 

" And about the kidneys now I remember, the black div 
vies outside the fort have seized upon all the sheep; and 
how are we to have kidneys without them? (Here there 
was a slight o o o !) 

" And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be re 
marked that the cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single 
drop can be had for money or love : but we can beat up 
eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just as good." 

"Oh! just as good." 

"Only the divvle s in the luck, there s not a fresh egg 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 375 

to be had no, nor a fresh chicken, " continued I, "nor a 
stale one either; nor a tay spoonful of souchong, nor a thim 
bleful of bohay; nor the laste taste in life of butther, salt 
or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld ! 

"In the name of Heaven! " said Mrs. Van, growing very 
pale, " what is there, then? 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I ll tell you what there is now," 
shouted I. "There s 

"Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. 
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c. 

And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, 
ending with the ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly. 

"Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobble- 
schroy, "give me the ham-sandwiches I must manage to 
breakfast off them." 

And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at 
this modest proposition ! Of course I did not accede to it 
why should I? I was the commander of the fort, and 
intended to keep these three very sandwiches for the use of 
myself and my dear Belinda. "Ladies," said I, "there 
are in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this 
is all the food which is to last us during the siege. Meat 
there is none of drink there is a tolerable quantity; and 
at one o clock punctually, a glass of wine and one olive 
shall be served out to each woman : the men will receive 
two glasses, and an olive and a fig and this must be your 
food during the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more 
than three days; and if he be why, still there is a chance 
why do I say a chance? a certainty of escaping from the 
hands of these ruffians." 

" Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan ! " screeched 
the whole covey at a breath. 

"It lies," answered I, "in the powder magazine. I will 
blow this fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes 
the prey of Holkar." 

The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been 
heard in Holkar s camp, and fainted in different directions; 



376 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

but my dear Belinda whispered in my ear, "Well clone, 
thou noble knight! bravely said, my heart s Goliah! I 
felt I was right : I could have blown her up twenty times 
for the luxury of that single moment ! " And now, ladies," 
said I, " I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain 
with you to administer professional consolation the other 
gentlemen will follow me upstairs to the ramparts^ where I 
shall find plenty of work for them." 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 377 



CHAPTEK VII. 

THE ESCAPE. 

LOTH as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it 
but to obey, and they accordingly followed me to the ram 
parts, where I proceeded to review my men. The fort, in 
my absence, had been left in command of Lieutenant Mac- 
gillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may 
be seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair 
of honour) ; and the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I 
had only stunned, never wishing to kill him, had been left 
in charge of that officer. Three of the garrison (one of 
them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body- 
servant, Ghorumsaug above named), were appointed to 
watch the captive by turns, and never leave him out of their 
sight. The lieutenant was instructed to look to them and 
to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy was severely injured by 
the blow which I had given him, and was, moreover, bound 
hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I considered 
myself sure of his person. 

Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I re 
viewed my little force, and the three havildars were like 
wise absent this did not surprise me, as I had told them 
not to leave their prisoner; but, desirous to speak with the 
lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him, and ordered 
him to appear immediately. 

The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: 
he whispered some information into my ear, which instantly 
caused me to hasten to the apartments where I had caused 
Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined. 

The men had fled; Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, 
fancy my astonishment when I found with a rope cutting 
his naturally wide mouth almost into his ears with a 
dreadful sabre-cut across his forehead with his legs tied 



378 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

over his head, and his arms tied between his legs my un 
happy, my attached friend Mortimer Macgillicuddy ! 

He had been in this position for about three hours it 
was the very position in which I had caused Bobbachy Ba- 
hawder to be placed an attitude uncomfortable, it is true, 
but one which renders escape impossible, unless treason aid 
the prisoner. 

I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position : I 
poured half-a-bottle of whiskey down the immensely en 
larged orifice of his mouth, and when he had been released, 
he informed me of the circumstances that had taken place. 

Fool that I was! idiot! upon my return to the fort, to 
have been anxious about my personal appearance, and to 
have spent a couple of hours in removing the artificial 
blackening from my beard and complexion, instead of going 
to examine my prisoner; when his escape would have been 
prevented O foppery, foppery! it was that cursed love 
of personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty 
to my general, my country, my monarch, and my own 
honour ! 

Thus it was that the escape took place. My own fellow 
of the Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, per 
formed the operation to my satisfaction, invested me with 
the elegant uniform of my corps, and removed the Pitan s 
disguise, which I had taken from the back of the prostrate 
Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?- -Why, 
he carried back the dress to the Bobbachy he put it, once 
more, on its right owner, he and his infernal black compan 
ions (who had been so won over by the Bobbachy with 
promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy, who 
was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian 
coolly up to the outer gate, and gave the word. The senti 
nel, thinking it was myself, who had first come in, and 
was as likely to go out again (indeed, my rascally valet 
said that Gahagan Saib was about to go out with him and 
his two companions to reconnoitre) opened the gates, and 
off they went ! 

This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I en- 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 379 

tered! and for the scoundrel s speech, that the lieutenant 
had just been the rounds ; he had, poor fellow, and had 
been seized and bound in this cruel way. The three men. 
with their liberated prisoner, had just been on the point of 
escape, when my arrival disconcerted them : I had changed 
the guard at the gate (whom they had won over likewise); 
and yet, although they had overcome poor Mac, and al 
though they were ready for the start, they had positively 
no means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough 
to put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice besotted 
fool that I was, to think of my own silly person when I 
should have been occupied solely with my public duty. 

From Macgillicuddy s incoherent accounts, as he was 
gasping from the effects of the gag and the whiskey he had 
taken to revive him, and from my own subsequent observa 
tions, I learned this sad story. A sudden and painful 
thought struck me my precious box ! I rushed back, I 
found that box I have it still. Opening it, there where 
I had left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks, and ru 
pees, strings of diamonds as big as ducks 7 eggs, rubies as 
red as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings of pearls, 
amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes I 
found a piece of paper ! with a few lines in the Sanscrit 
language, which are thus, word for word, translated : 

EPIGRAM. 

(On disappointing a certain Major.) 

The conquering lion return d with his prey, 
And safe in his cavern be set it, 
The sly little fox stole the booty away ; 
And, as he escaped, to the lion did say, 
" Aha! don t you wish you may get it?" 

Confusion ! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these 
cutting lines. I stamped, I swore, I don t know to what 
insane lengths my rage might have carried me, had not at 
this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming, " The enemy, 
the enemy ! " 



380 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

THE CAPTIVE. 

IT was high time, indeed, that I should make my appear 
ance. Waving my sword with one hand and seizing my 
telescope with the other, I at once frightened and examined 
the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that flamingo- 
plume floating in the breeze that awful figure standing in 
the breach that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky 
well, I say, they knew the name of the humble individual 
who owned the sword, the plume, and the figure. The 
ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry behind. The 
flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violon 
cellos, and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in 
the air a strange, barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), 
mounted on white dromedaries, were seen galloping to and 
fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the orders of Holkar. 

You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising 
as it does on a rock that is almost perpendicular) are de 
fended by the Burruinpooter river, two hundred feet deep 
at this point, and a thousand yards wide, so that I had no 
fear about them attacking me in that quarter. My guns, 
therefore (with their six-and- thirty miserable charges of 
shot) were dragged round to the point at which I conceived 
Holkar would be most likely to attack me. I was in a 
situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times as 
I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a can 
non ; so the attacking party marched and marched, very 
strongly, about a mile and a half off, the elephants march 
ing without receiving the slightest damage from us, until 
they had come to within four hundred yards of our walls 
(the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, through 
the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never 
would have ventured so near). At that distance it was 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 



381 



about the spot where the Futtyghur hill began gradually 
to rise the invading force stopped; the elephants drew 
up in a line, right angles with our wall (the fools ! they 
thought they should expose themselves too much by taking 
a position parallel to it!) the cavalry halted too, and 
after the deuce s own flourish of trumpets and hangings of 
gongs, to be sure, somebody, in a flame-coloured satin 
dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree (that 
looked through my telescope like a small but very bright 
planet), got up from the back of one of the very biggest 
elephants, and began a speech. 

The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with ad 
mirable precision, about three hundred of them. The fol 
lowing little diagram will explain matters : 



* 

E 



E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a 
gun in the fort. Now the reader will see what I did. 

The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to 
and fro gracefully before them ; and I, with superhuman 
skill and activity, brought the gun G (a devilish long brass 
gun) to bear upon them; I pointed it myself; bang! it 
went, and what was the consequence? Why, this : 



G 

F 




F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the 
elephants, as we have previously seen them. What then 



382 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

is X ? X is the line taken by the ball fired from G, which 
took off one hundred and thirty-four elephants trunks, and 
only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that 
stood the hundred and thirty-fifth ! 

I say that such a shot was never fired before or since ; 
that a gun was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I 
had been a common man, and contented myself with firing 
bang at the head of the first animal? An ass would have 
done it, prided himself had he hit his -mark, and what 
would have been the consequence? Why that the ball 
might have killed two elephants and wounded a third ; but 
here, probably, it would have stopped, and done no further 
mischief. The trunk was the place at which to aim; there 
are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the bul 
let, shearing, as 1 have said, through one hundred and 
thirty-five probosces. Heavens! what a howl there was 
when the shot took effect! What a sudden stoppage of 
Holkar s speech! What a hideous snorting of elephants! 
What a msh backwards was made by the whole army, as 
if some demon was pursuing them ! 

Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full re 
treat, than, rushing forward myself, I shouted to my men, 
" My friends, yonder lies your dinner ! We flung open 
the gates we tore down to the spot where the elephants 
had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that 
escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had 
left their tusks behind them. A great quantity of them, 
we seized; and I myself, cutting up with my scimitar a 
couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher would a calf, mo 
tioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort, where 
barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of 
the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, 
which I had promised to my female friends, in my speech 
to them. The animal reserved for the ladies was a young 
white one the fattest and tenderest I ever ate in my life : 
they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber 
flavour, which, until one is accustomed to it, is unpala 
table. 



THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 383 

It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during 
my absence on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one 
or two others had forced their way into the supper-room, 
and devoured every morsel of the garrison larder, with the 
exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine, which 
were locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a 
sentinel. Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her 
gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat her. However, we 
made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks, 
and when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing 
that there was enough for one meal more. 

The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in 
great force, attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help 
of my guns, and my good sword, by the distinguished bravery 
of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and the rest of the garrison, 
we beat this attack off completely, the enemy sustaining a 
loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when 
another attack was made, what were we to do? We had 
still a little powder left, but had fired off all the shot, 
stones, iron-bars, &c., in the garrison! On this day, too, 
we devoured the last morsel of our food; I shall never for 
get Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy s despairing look, as I saw her 
sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the 
little white elephant s roasted tail. 

The third day the attack was repeated. The resources 
of genius are never at an end. Yesterday I had no ammu 
nition; to-day, I had discovered charges sufficient for two 
guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but had 
bores of about blunderbuss size. 

This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, 
as the reader may remember, such a bastinadoing for my 
sake, headed the attack. The poor wretch could not walk, 
but he was carried in an open palanquin, and came on wav 
ing his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindoostan jar 
gon. Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who 
picked off every one of our men who showed their noses 
above the ramparts; and a great host of blackamoors with 
scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, 

17 Vol. 19 



384 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other ap 
purtenances of offensive war. 

On they came; my guns and men were ready for them. 
You will ask how my pieces were loaded? I answer, that 
though my garrison were without food, I knew my duty as 
an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the two 
guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into 
each swivel. 

They advanced, whishl went one of the Dutch cheeses, 
bang! went the other. Alas! they did little execution. 
In their first contact with an opposing body, they certainly 
floored it; but they became at once like so much Welsh- 
rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they 
struck down. 

"Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum; (praise to Allah and 
the forty-nine Imaums !) shouted out the ferocious Loll Ma- 
hommed when he saw the failure of my shot. " Onward, 
sons of the Prophet ! the infidel has no more ammunition. 
A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who brings 
me Gahagan s head! " 

His men set up a shout, and rushed forward he, to do 
him justice, was at the very head, urging on his own palan 
quin-bearers, and poking them with the tip of his scimitar. 
They came panting up the hill : I was black with rage, but 
it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair. "Macgilli- 
euddy," said I, calling that faithful officer, "you know 
where the barrels of powder are? He did. " You know 
the use to make of them?" He did. He grasped my 
hand. "Goliah," said he, "farewell! I swear that the 
fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have 
carried it. Oh, my poor mother ! " added the gallant youth, 
as sighing, yet fearless, he retired to his post. 

I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, 
and then, stepping into the front, took down one of the 
swivels; a shower of matchlock balls came whizzing round 
my head. I did not heed them. 

I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, 
his palanquin, and his men, were now not above two hun- 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 385 

dred yards from the fort. Loll was straight before me, 
gesticulating and shouting to his men. I fired bang ! ! ! 

I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Span 
ish olives were lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy 
Loll Mahommed. The wretch, uttering a yell the moat 
hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back dead the 
frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran the 
whole host ran as one man : their screams might be heard 
for leagues. "Tomasha, tomasha," they cried, "it is en 
chantment!" Away they fled, and the victory a third 
time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back to 
my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty- four hours, 
but I forgot hunger in the thought of once more behold 
ing her f 

The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile 
as I entered, and almost fainted in my arms; but alas I 
it was not love which caused in her bosom an emotion so 
strong it was hunger ! " Oh ! my Goliah," whispered she, 
"for three days I have not tasted food I could not eat 
that horrid elephant yesterday; but now oh! heaven!" 
She could say no more, but sunk almost lifeless on my 
shoulder. I administered to her a trifling dram of rum 
which revived her for a moment, and then rushed down 
stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, 
she should still have something to satisfy her hunger. 
Luckily I remembered that three or four elephants were 
still lying in the field, having been killed by us in the first 
action, two days before. Necessity, thought I, has no law; 
my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get some 
thing better. 

I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most 
part, assembled. "Men," said I, "our larder is empty; we 
must fill it as we did the day before yesterday ; who will 
follow Gahagan on a foraging party? 3 I expected that, as 
on former occasions, every man would offer to accompany me. 

To my astonishment, not a soul moved a murmur arose 
among the troops; and at last one of the oldest and bravest 
came forward. 



386 TEE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed 
upon elephants for ever; we have not a grain of powder left, 
and must give up the fort when the attack is made to-mor 
row. We may as well be prisoners now as then, and we 
won t go elephant-hunting any more." 

"Ruffian! I said, "he who first talks of surrender, 
dies ! " and I cut him down. " Is there any one else who 
wishes to speak? 9 

No one stirred. 

"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what, you 
dare not move for fear of death, at the hands of those 
wretches who even now fled before your arms what, do I 
say your arms? before mine ! alone I did it; and as alone 
I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress ! Ho ! 
open the gate ! ? 

I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The 
bodies of the elephants that we had killed still lay on the 
ground where they had fallen, about four hundred yards 
from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very steep 
one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the an 
imals, choosing a tolerably small and plump one, of about 
thirteen feet high, which the vultures had respected. I 
threw this animal over my shoulders, and made for the 
fort. 

As I inarched up the acclivity, whizz piff whirr ! came 
the balls over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! 
they fell on the body of the elephant like drops of rain. 
The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and quickened my 
pace. I heard the gallop of their horse : they came nearer, 
nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort seventy 
fifty! I strained every nerve; I panted with the super 
human exertion I ran, could a man run very fast with 
such a tremendous weight on his shoulders? 

Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and 
screaming at my tail. heaven! five yards more one 
moment and I am saved ! It is done I strain the last 
strain I make the last step I fling forward my precious 
burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 387 

I fall ! The gate thunders to, and I am left on the out- 
S lde ! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes 
fifty black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, 
Stop ! kill him not, it is Gujputi ! A film came over 
my eyes exhausted nature would bear no more. 



388 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN, 



CHAPTER IX. 

SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR. 

WHEN I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, 
I found myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable black 
faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor (whence our word apothe 
cary) feeling my pulse, and looking at me with an air of 
sagacity. 

" Where am I? " I exclaimed, looking round and examin 
ing the strange faces, and the strange apartment which met 
my view. " Bekhusm ! " said the apothecary. "Silence! 
Gahagan Saib is in the hands of those who know his val 
our, and will save his life." 

"Know my valour, slave? Of course you do," said I; 
"but the fort the garrison the elephant Belinda, my 
love my darling Macgillicuddy the scoundrelly muti 
neers the deal bo " * * * 

I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so 
heavily upon my poor shattered mind and frame, that both 
failed once more. I fainted again, and I know not how 
long I lay insensible. 

Again, however, I came to my senses : the pothukoor ap 
plied restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours I 
awoke, much refreshed. I had no wound; my repeated 
swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they might) by 
my gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill 
a quarter of a mile in length. Walking, the task is bad 
enough, but running, it is the deuce; and I would recom 
mend any of my readers who may be disposed to try and 
carry a dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace 
of more than five miles an hour. 

Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at 
my door (plainly indicating that sentinels were posted 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 389 

there), and a single old gentleman, richly habited, entered 
the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I had surely seen 
him before. No yes no yes it was he the snowy 
white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, 
and level with the rest of the venerable face, proclaimed 
him at once to be Saadut Allee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar s 
prime vizier, whose nose, as the reader may recollect, his 
highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my inter 
view with him in the Pitan s disguise. I now knew my 
fate but too well I was in the hands of Holkar. 

Saadut Allee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards 
me, and with a mild air of benevolence, which distinguished 
that excellent man (he was torn to pieces by wild horses 
the year after, on account of a difference with Holkar), he 
came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said, 
"Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceit 
ful, valour is unavailing, fame is only wind the nightin 
gale sings of the rose all night where is the rose in the 
morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by a frost. The 
rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where 
is that delightful song-bird? Pena-bekhoda, he is netted, 
plucked, spitted, and roasted ! Who knows how misfortune 
comes? It has come to Gahagan Gujputi ! ? 

"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. 
"Gahagan Gujputi will bear it like a man." 

"No doubt like a wise man and a brave one; but there 
is no lane so long to which there is not a turning, no night 
so black to which there comes not a morning. Icy winter 
is followed by merry spririgtime grief is often succeeded 
by joy." 

"Interpret, Oriddler! said I; "Gahagan Khan is no 
reader of puzzles no prating Mollah. Gujputi loves not 
words, but swords." 

"Listen, then, Gujputi: you are in Holkar s power." 

"I know it." 

" You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow 
morning." 

"I dare say." 



390 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails 
from your fingers, and your eyes from your head." 

"Very possibly." 

"They will flay you alive, and then bum you." 

" Well; they can t do any more." 

" They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder 
fort," it was not then taken ! " and repeat upon them the 
same tortures." 

"Ha! Belinda! Speak how can all this be avoided? " 

"Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda." 

"He does, Vizier, to distraction." 

"Of what rank is he in the Koompani s army? 

"A captain." 

"A miserable captain oh, shame! Of what creed is 
he?" 

"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic." 

" But he has not been very particular about his religious 
duties? " 

"Alas, no." 

"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve 
years? 

" Tis too true." 

"Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince 
Holkar has sent me to thee. You shall have the moon-face 
for your wife your second wife, that is; the first shall 
be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves you to mad 
ness; with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have 
the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his 
highness intends to get rid. You shall be second in com 
mand of his highness s forces. Look, here is his commis 
sion signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the sa 
cred names of the forty-nine Imaurns. You have but to 
renounce your religion and your service, and all these re 
wards are yours." 

He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it 
to me (it was beautifully written in Indian ink I had it 
for fourteen years, but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, 
washed it, forsooth, and washed off every bit of the writing). 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 391 

I took it calmly, and said, "This is a tempting offer. 
Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it? ; 

After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I 
promised to give him an answer. My mind, however, was 
made up as soon as he was gone, I threw myself on the 

sofa and fell asleep. 

* * * * * 

At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back : two 
people were with him; one, by his martial appearance, I 
knew to be Holkar, the other I did not recognize. It was 
about midnight. 

"Have you considered?" said the Vizier, as he came to 
my couch. 

" I have," said I, sitting up, I could not stand, for my 
legs were tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel 
handcuffs. "I have," said I, "unbelieving dogs! I have. 
Do you think to pervert a Christian gentleman from his 
faith and honour? Ruffian blackamoors ! do your worst; 
heap tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear 
me to pieces after you have torn me into a certain num 
ber of pieces, I shall not feel it and if I did, if each tor 
ture could last a life, if each limb were to feel the agonies 
of a whole body, what then? I would bear all all all 
all all ALL ! My breast heaved my form dilated 
my eye flashed as I spoke these words. "Tyrants!" said 
I, "dulce et decorum est pro patri& mori." Having thus 
clinched the argument, I was silent. 

The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear 
trickling down his cheeks. 

"What a constancy!" said he. "Oh, that such beauty 
and such bravery should be doomed so scon to quit the 
earth ! " 

His tall companion only sneered and said, "And Be 
linda " 

" Ha ! " said I, " ruffian, be still ! Heaven will protect 
her spotless innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou 
knowest me too! Who, with his single sword, destroyed 
thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain thy nose- 



392 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants? 
Three hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle : of these 
I slew one hundred and thirty- five ! Dog, coward, ruffian, 
tyrant, unbeliever ! Gahagan hates thee, spurns thee, spits 
on thee ! y 

Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave 
a scream of rage, and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to 
despatch me at once (it was the very thing I wished for), 
when the third person sprang forward, and seizing his arm, 
cried 

" Papa ! oh, save him ! " It was Puttee Rooge ! " Re 
member," continued she, " his misfortunes remember, oh, 
remember my love ! " and here she blushed, and putting 
one finger into her mouth, and hanging down her head, 
looked the very picture of modest affection. 

Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, 
" Tis better as it is; had I killed him now, I had spared 
him the torture. None of this shameless fooling, Puttee 
Rooge," continued the tyrant, dragging her away. Cap 
tain Gahagan dies three hours from hence." Puttee Rooge 
gave one scream and fainted her father and the Vizier 
carried her off between them; nor was I loath to part with 
her, for, with all her love, she was as ugly as the deuce. 

They were gone my fate was decided. I had but three 
hours more of life : so I flung myself again on the sofa, and 
fell profoundly asleep. As it may happen to any of my 
readers to be in the same situation, and to be hanged them 
selves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan of 
going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found 
to be successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes 
away a great deal of unpleasant time, and it prepares one 

to meet like a man the coming catastrophe. 

* * # # * 

Three o clock came: the sun was at this time making his 
appearance in the heavens, and with it came the guards, 
who were appointed to conduct me to the torture. I woke, 
xose, was carried out, and was set on the very white don 
key on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 393 

camp after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode 
behind me, restored to his rank and state; troops of cavalry 
hemmed us in on all sides; my ass was conducted by the 
common executioner : a crier went forward, shouting out, 
" Make way for the destroyer of the faithful he goes to 
bear the punishment of his crimes." We came to the fatal 
plain : it was the very spot whence I had borne away the 
elephant, and in full sight of the fort. I looked towards 
it. Thank heaven ! King George s banner waved on it 
still a crowd were gathered on the walls the men, the 
dastards who had deserted me and women, too. Among 
the latter I thought I distinguished one who Oh gods ! the 
thought turned me sick I trembled and looked pale for 
the first time. 

"He trembles! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbaohy 
Bahawder, ferociously exulting over his conquered enemy. 

" Dog ! " shouted I (I was sitting with my head to the 
donkey J s tail, and so looked the Bobbachy full in the face) 
-" not so pale as you looked when I felled you with this 
arm not so pale as your women looked when I entered 
your harem ! r Completely chop-fallen, the Indian ruffian 
was silent: at any rate, I had done for him. 

We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple 
of feet thick and eight high, was driven in the grass : round 
the stake, about seven feet from the ground, was an iron 
ring, to which were attached two fetters; in these my 
wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood near 
with strange-looking instruments : others were blowing at 
a fire, over which was a cauldron, and in the embers were 
stuck other prongs and instruments of iron. 

The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was 
the same in effect as that which had been hinted to me the 
day previous by the Grand Vizier. I confess I was too 
agitated exactly to catch every word that was spoken. 

Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little dis 
tance. The Grand Vizier came up to me it was his duty 
to stand by, and see the punishment performed. "It is 
yet time," said he. 



394 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 

I nodded iny head, but did not answer. 

The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible an 
guish, and with a voice choking with emotion, said, " Exe 
cutioner do your duty ! " 

The horrid man advanced he whispered sulkily in the 
ears of the Grand Vizier, " Guggly ka ghee, hum khedge- 
ree," said he, "the oil does not boil yet wait one minute." 
The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil was heated. 
The Vizier drew a few feet aside : taking a large ladle full 
of the boiling liquid, he advanced, and- 



Whish ! bang, bang ! pop ! the executioner was dead 
at my feet, shot through the head; the ladle of scalding 
oil had been dashed in the face of the unhappy Grand Vi 
zier, who lay on the plain, howling. "Whish! bang! 
pop! Hurrah! charge! forwards! cut them down! 
no quarter ! r 

I saw yes, no, yes, no, yes ! I saw regiment upon regi 
ment of galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks 
of the flying natives. First of the host, I recognized, Oh 
Heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On 
came the gallant line of black steeds and horsemen; swift, 
swift before them rode my officers in yellow Giogger, Pap- 
pendick, and Stuffle; their sabres gleamed in the sun, their 
voices rung in the air. "D - them! " they cried, "give 
it them, boys ! A strength supernatural thrilled through 
my veins at that delicious music; by one tremendous effort, 
I wrenched the post from its foundation, five feet in the 
ground. I could not release my hands from the fetters, it 
is true; but, grasping the beam tightly, I sprung forward 
with one blow I levelled the five executioners in the midst 
of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can ; with the 
next, I swept the bearers of Bobbaehy s palanquin off their 
legs; with the third, I caught that chief himself in the 
small of the back, and sent him flying on to the sabres of 
my advancing soldiers ! 

The next minute, Giogger and Stuffle were in my arms, 



THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 395 

Pappendick leading on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in 
that wild chase had swept far away. We were alone, I 
was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes after 
wards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found 
me sitting on it. 

"Look at Gahagan," said his lordship. "Gentlemen, 
did I not tell you we should be sure to find him at his 
post ? " 

The gallant old nobleman rode on : and this was the fa 
mous BATTLE OF FuRRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FlJTTY- 

GHUR, fought on the 17th of November, 1804. 

***** 

About a month afterwards, the following announcement 
appeared in Boggleywallah Hurkaru and other Indian 
papers : " Married, on the 25th of December, at Futty- 
ghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O Grady 
Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Ahmednuggar, to 
Belinda, second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. 
His Excellency the Commander-in-Chief gave away the 
bride ; and after a splendid dejeune, the happy pair set off 
to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus must 
recollect, however, that Mars must not always be at her 
side. The Irregulars are nothing without their leader." 

Such was the paragraph such the event the happiest 
in the existence of 

G. O G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S. C. I. H. A. 

THE END. 




THAKERAY, W 



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