THE WORKS OF
WILLIAM MAKEPEACE
THACKERAY
VOLUME XIX
Novels by Eminent Hands
and Other Papers
FIFTY-SIX PHOTOGRAVURES AND
ILLUSTRATIONS FROM ORIGINAL
DRAWINGS BY THACKERAY,
FREDERICK WALKER, R.A.,
GEORGE DU MAURIER,
FRANK DICKSEE, R.A.,
RICHARD DOYLE,
ETC.
P. F. COLLIER & SON
Publishers New York
HOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS,
i Vol. 19
CONTENTS.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
PAGE
Punch s Prize Novelists, 3
George de Barnwell, 4
Codlingsby, 18
Lords and Liveries, 32
Barbazure, 43
Phil Fogarty, 54
Crinoline, 70
The Stars and Stripes, 81
A Plan for a Prize Novel, 90
THE DIARY AND LETTERS OF C. JEAMES DE LA
PLUCHE,
A Lucky Speculator, 97
" Jeames of Buckley Square, " 98
A Letter from " Jeames, of Buckley Square, " . . . . 100
Jeames s Diary, 104
Jeames on Time Bargings, 153
Jeames on the Gauge Question, 157
Mr. Jeames again, 161
Mr. Jeames s Sentiments on the Cambridge Election, . . 166
Sonnick, 169
The Persecution of British Footmen, 170
Thoughts on a New Comedy, 180
THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
CHAPTER
I. 189
II. Henry V. and Napoleon III., 195
III. The Advance of the Pretenders Historical Review, . 201
IV. The Battle of Rheims, 206
V. The Battle of Tours, ..... 209
VI. The English under Jenkins, ... . 215
IV CONTENTS.
CHAPTER PAGE
VII. The Leaguer of Paris, ....... 221
VIII. The Battle of the Forts, 225
IX. Louis XVII., . , .227
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg, . . , ... . 235
II. The Godesbergers, . . 240
III. The Festival, . . . 246
IV. The Flight, . . . . . . . . .248
V. The Traitor s Doom, . . . . . . .251
VI. The Confession, . . . . . . . . 256
VII. The Sentence, "... 260
VIII. The Childe of Godesberg, . . . ... .262
IX. The Lady of Windeck, 273
X. The Battle of the Bowmen, . . . . . .280
XI. The Martyr of Love, ....... 286
XII. The Champion . . .294
XIII. The Marriage . 301
SOME PASSAGES IN THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
I. "Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction," . . .309
II. Allyghur and Laswaree, 324
III. A Peep into Spain Account of the Origin and Services
of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, . . . . . 336
IV. The Indian Camp The Sortie from the Fort, . . 353
V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife, . . . 364
VI. Famine in the Garrison, . . . . . . 369
VII. The Escape, . . : . . . . . . .377
VIII. The Captive, . . . . .380
IX. Surprise of Futtyghur, . . * . . . . 388
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
PUNCH S PRIZE NOVELISTS.
PUNCH S Prize Novelists so called because a Twenty
Thousand Guinea Prize is to be awarded to the successful
candidate will embrace works by some of the most cele
brated authors this country boasts of.
Their tales will appear in succession, and pretty con
tinuously, in the pages of this Miscellany.
The publication will probably occupy about five-and-
thirty years, or more or less, according to the reception
with which the novels meet from our enlightened patrons
the generous British people.
All novels cannot be given entire, as a century would
scarcely suffice, so numerous are our authors, so prolific and
so eager has been the rush with stories, when our (confiden
tial) announcement was sent into the literary world. But
fair specimens of the authors talents will be laid before the
public, illustrated in our usual style of gorgeous splendour.
The first prize will be 20,000 guineas, viz., a lottery
ticket to that amount, entitling the holder to the above
sum or a palace at Vienna. The second prize will be the
volume of Punch for the current half-year. The third a
subscription to the British and Foreign Institute, etc., etc.
With a pride and gratification we cannot conceal, we at
once introduce the public to George de Barnwell, by Sir
E. L. B. L.BB. LL. BBB. LLL., Bart.
We are not at liberty to reveal the gifted author s name,
but the admirers of his works will no doubt recognise, in
the splendid length of the words, the frequent employment
of the Beautiful and the Ideal, the brilliant display of
capitals, the profuse and profound classical learning, and,
above all, in the announcement that this is to be the last of
his works one who has delighted us for many years.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
GEORGE DE BARNWELL.
In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beauti
ful, and their offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents,
He is Eternal. He has his Mother s ravishing smile; his
Father s steadfast eyes. He rises every day, fresh and
glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever
young. Dark, dark were this world of ours had either
Divinity left it dark without the day-beams of the La-
tonian Charioteer, darker yet without the daedal Smile of
the God of the Other Bow ! Dost know him, Reader?
Old is he, Eros, the ever young! He and Time were
children together. Chronos shall die too; but Love is im
perishable. Brightest of the Divinities, where hast thou
not been sung? Other worships pass away; the idols for
whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling
and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes
no longer rise among the quivering olive-groves of Ilissus,
or crown the emerald islets of the amethyst ^Egean ! These
are gone, but thou remainest. There is still a garland for
thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah, many
a darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Re
morseless One, and the Poet-Priest who ministers at thy
Shrine draws his auguries from the bleeding hearts of men !
While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease sing
ing? In Kingly and Heroic ages, twas of Kings and
Heroes that the Poet spake. But in these, our times, the
Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The Peo
ple To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of
old did the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate
of the crowned Agamemnon.
Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple?
Fate, Passion, Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate
that arms, the Furies that tear, the Love that bleeds, are
not these with us Still? are not these still the weapons of
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 5
the Artist? the colours of his palette, the chords of his
lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale not of Kings but of
Men not of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief and Crime.
Listen, and but once more. Tis for the last time (prob
ably) these fingers shall sweep the strings.
E.L.B.L.B B.L L.B B B.L L L.
NOONDAY IN CHEPE.
Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty
Biver City! its banks well-nigh overflowing with the
myriad-waved Stream of Man ! The toppling wains, bear
ing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded equipage
of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger, vehicle from
the green metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of
our Babylon) in which every traveller might, for a modest
remuneration, take a republican seat; the mercenary ca-
roche, with its private freight; the brisk curricle of the let
ter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet; these and a thousand
others were labouring and pressing onward and locked and
bound and hustling together in the narrow channel of
Chepe. The imprecations of the charioteers were terrible.
From the noble s broidered hammer-cloth, or the driving-
seat of the common coach, each driver assailed the other
with floods of ribald satire. The pavid matron within the
one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pit
tance) shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to
his offices (to add another thousand to his heap) thrust his
head over the blazoned panels, and displayed an eloquence
of objurgation which his very Menials could not equal; the
dauntless street urchins, as they gaily threaded the Laby
rinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of the
scene, and exacerbated the already furious combatants by
their poignant infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as
he regarded the hot strife and struggle of these Candidates
in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh of the Truthful
and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene.
Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged.
6 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
The flaunting windows of the mercers attracted many a
purchaser : the glittering panes, behind which Birmingham
had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to pause :
although only noon, the savory odours of the Cook Shops
tempted the ever-hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to
the fragrant potage that mocks the turtle s flavour the
turtle ! dapibus supremi grata testudo Jovis ! I am an
Alderman when I think of thee ! Well : it was noon in
Chepe.
But were all battling for gain there? Among the many
brilliant shops whose casements shone upon Chepe, there
stood one a century back (about which period our tale
opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce. A rudely
carved image of a negro with a fantastic plume and apron
of variegated feathers, decorated the lintel. The East
and the West had sent their contributions to replenish the
window.
The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon
pyramid of swarthy sugar marked "only 6^d." That catty
box, on which was the epigraph Strong Family Congo only
3s. 9d. , was from the country of Conf utzee That heap of
dark produce bore the legend "Try our Eeal Nut"- Twas
Cocoa and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has re
freshed the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher.
The shop in question was, in a word, a Grocer s.
In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sate
one who, to judge from his appearance (though twas a
difficult task, as in sooth, his back was turned), had just
reached that happy period of life when the Boy is expand
ing into the Man. O Youth ! Youth ! Happy and Beau
tiful! O fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet
lies on the flowers, ere they have been scorched and with
ered by Passion s fiery Sun! Immersed in thought or
study, and indifferent to the din around him, sate the Boy.
A careless guardian was he of the treasures confided to
him. The crowd passed in Chepe he never marked it. The
sun shone on Chepe he only asked that it should illumine
the page he read. The knave might filch his treasures, he
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 7
was heedless of the knave. The customer might enter; but
his book was all in all to him.
And indeed a customer was there; a little hand was tap
ping on the counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch
eyes were gazing at the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly
proportions through the homely and tightened garments he
wore.
" Ahem ! sir ! I say, young man ! " the customer exclaimed.
"T<md 9 apameibommo3prosephe 9 "TQ&d on the Student,
his voice choked with emotion. "What language/ he
said, "How rich, how noble, how sonorous! prosephe
podas "
The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and
cheery, that the young Student could not but turn round,
and, blushing, for the first time remarked her. " A pretty
Grocer s boy you are," she cried, " with your applepie-
bomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kep
waiting for hever? :
"Pardon, fair Maiden," said he, with high-bred courtesy;
" Twas not French I read, twas the Godlike language of
the blind old bard. In what can I be serviceable to ye,
lady? and to spring from, his desk, to smooth his apron,
to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no
more, was the work of a moment.
"I might have prigged this box of figs," the damsel said
good-naturedly, "and you d never have turned round."
"They came from the country of Hector," the boy said.
"Would you have currants, lady? These once bloomed in
the island gardens of the blue ^Egean. They are uncom
mon fine ones, and the figure is low; they re fourpence-
halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our
teas? We do not advertise, as some folks do : but sell as
low as any other house."
"You re precious young to have all these good things,"
the girl exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the
conversation. " If I was you, and stood behind the coun
ter, I should be eating figs the whole day long."
"Time was," answered the lad, "and not long since I
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
thought so, too, I thought I never should be tired of figs.
But my old uncle bade me take my fill, and now in sooth I
am aweary of them."
I think you gentlemen are always so," the coquette
said.
" Nay, say not so, fair stranger ! " the youth replied, his
face kindling as he spoke and his eagle eyes flashing fire.
" Figs pall, but ! the Beautiful never does ! Figs rot,
but ! the Truthful is eternal. I was born, lady, to grap
ple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for the
Visionary. I stand behind the counter; it is true, but I
ponder here upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the
thoughts of sages. What is grocery for one who has am
bition? What sweetness hath Muscovado to him who hath
tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the
true Real, and the Actual but a visionary hallucination.
But pardon me; with what may I serve thee? ?
1 1 came only for sixpenn orth of tea-dust," the girl said,
with a faltering voice, " but oh, I should like to hear you
speak on for ever ! "
Only for sixpenn orth of tea-dust! Girl, thou earnest
for other things! Thou lovedst his voice? Syren! what
was the witchery of thine own? He deftly made up the
packet and placed it in the little hand. She paid for her
small purchase and with a farewell glance of her lustrous
eyes, she left him. She passed slowly through the portal,
and in a moment more was lost in the crowd. It was noon
in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was alone.
VOL. II.
WE have selected the following episodical chapter in
preference to any relating to the mere story of George
Barnwell, with which most readers are familiar.
Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol.
ii.) the tale is briefly thus:
That rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 9
the grocer s shop in Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some
nutmeg, or some figs, half-a-dozen times in the week.
She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other
an eternal attachment.
This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom
swells with ambition. His genius breaks out prodigiously.
He talks about the Good, the Beautiful, the Ideal, etc.,
in and out of all season, and is virtuous and eloquent al
most beyond belief in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford,
or E. Aram, Esquires.
Inspired by Millwood and Love, George robs the till,
and mingles in the world which he is destined to ornament.
He outdoes all the dandies, all the wits, all the scholars,
and all the voluptuaries of the age an indefinite period of
time between Queen Anne and George II. dines with Cuiil
at St. John s Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel be
hind Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the
Chevalier St. George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous
pavilion at Hampstead, and likewise in disguise at the
shop in Cheapside.
His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon
with very little taste for the True and the Beautiful, has
retired from business to the pastoral village in Cambridge
shire from which the noble Barnwells came. George s
cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret pas
sion for him.
Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensu
ing brilliant little chapter; but it must be remembered that
the author wished to present an age at a glance; and the
dialogue is quite as fine and correct as that in " The Last of
the Barons" or in "Eugene Aram," or other works of our
author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True and
the Beautiful are united.
10 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
CHAPTER XXIV.
BUTTON S IN PALL MALL.
THOSE who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions
of Silence which society has raised to Ennui in that Om
phalos of town, Pall Mall, and which, because they knock
you down with their dulness, are called Clubs no doubt;
those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James s Street,
at a half -score of other dandies gaping from another bay-
window over the way; those who consult a dreary evening
paper for news, or satisfy themselves with the jokes of the
miserable Punchy by way of wit; the men about town of
the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of Lon
don some six or eight score years back. Thou pudding-
sided old dandy of St. Jarnes 3 Street, with thy lackered
boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy suffocating waistband,
what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the same quar
ter? The Brougham from which thou descendest at the
portal of the Carltoiror the Travellers , is like everybody
else s; thy black coat has no more plaits, nor buttons, nor
fancy in it than thy neighbours ; thy hat was made on the
very block on which Lord Addlepate s was cast, who has
just entered the Club before thee. You and he yawn to
gether out of the same omnibus-box every night; you
fancy yourselves men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves
men of fashion; you fancy yourselves men of taste; in
fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy, the newspaper
legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes, and your
thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom poor Pall Mall
dullards. Stupid slaves of the Press, on that ground which
you at present occupy, there were men of wit and pleasure
and fashion, some five-and-twenty lustres ago.
We are at Button s the well-known sign of the Turk s
Head. The crowd of periwigged heads at the windows
the swearing chairmen round the steps (the blazoned and
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 11
coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the lofty rank
of their owners) the throng of embroidered beaux entering
or departing and rendering the air fragrant with the odours
of pulvillio and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort
of London s Wit and Fashion. It is the corner of Regent
Street. Carlton House has not yet been taken down.
A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sip
ping chocolate at one of the tables in earnest converse with
a friend whose suit is likewise embroidered, but stained by
time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A little deformed gentle
man in iron-grey is reading the Morning Chronicle news
paper by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and
a shovel hat and cassock is talking freely with a gentle
man, whose star and riband, as well as the unmistakable
beauty of his Phidian countenance, proclaims him to be a
member of Britain s aristocracy.
Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy, and
scrofulous; the other with a wild, careless, beautiful look,
evidently indicating Kace, are gazing in at the window, not
merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club, but at Timothy,
the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite dish,
the muffin (then newly invented) at the desire of some of
the revellers within.
" I would, Sam," said the wild youth to his companion,
"that I had some of my Mother Macclesfield s gold, to
enable us to eat of those cates and mingle with yon spring-
aids and beaux."
"To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy," said
the youth addressed as Sam, " might elicit a smile of in
credulity upon the cheek of the parasite of pleasure; but
there are moments in life when History fortifies endurance;
and past study renders present deprivation more bearable.
If our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution,
Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we
desire to-day would little benefit us to-morrow. Poor and
hungry, as we are, are we less happy, Dick, than yon list
less voluptuary who banquets on the food which you covet? "
And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place and
12 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
past the Parthenon Club-House and disappeared to take a
meal of cow-heel at a neighbouring cook s shop. Their
names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage.
Meanwhile the conversation at Button s was fast and
brilliant. "By Wood s thirteens, and the divvle go wid
? em," cried the Church dignitary in the cassock. "Is it in
blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir Richard, when you
ought to be in seebles?
"Who s dead, Dean?" said the nobleman, the dean s
companion.
"Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name s
Jonathan Swift and I m not so sure of that neither, for
who knows his father s name? there s been a mighty
cruel rnurther committed entirely. A child of Dick Steele s
has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered, and
it s Joe Addison yondther has done it. Ye should have
killed one of your own, Joe, ye thief of the world."
" I? " said the amazed and Bight Honourable Joseph
Addison; "I kill Dick s child! I was God-father to the
last."
"And promised a cup and never sent it," Dick ejacu
lated. Joseph looked grave.
" The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coveiiey, Knight and
Baronet. What made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock?
The whole town is in tears about the good knight; all the
ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning; all the
booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the
copies of the Spectator are sold since the death of the brave
old gentleman." And the Dean of St. Patrick s pulled out
the Spectator newspaper, containing the well-known pas
sage regarding Sir Roger s death. "I bought it but now
in Wellington Street," he said; "the newsboys were howl
ing all down the Strand."
; What a miracle is Genius Genius, the Divine and
Beautiful," said a gentleman leaning against the same fire
place with the deformed cavalier in iron-grey and address
ing that individual who was in fact Mr. Alexander Pope,
"what a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege of
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 13
Art ! To make the Ideal more credible than the Actual :
to enchain our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets,
our tears, for a mere brain -born Emanation : to invest with
life the Incorporeal, and to glamour the cloudy into sub
stance these are the lofty privileges of the Poet, if I have
read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the sounds
that rang from Homer s lyre, as with the strains which
celebrate the loss of Belinda s lovely locks, (Mr. Pope
blushed and bowed, highly delighted) " these, I say, sir,
are the privileges of the Poet the Poietes the Maker,
he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot charm
death into life as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create
Beauty out of* Naught, and defy Death by rendering
Thought Eternal! Ho! Jemmy, another flask of Nantz."
And the boy for he who addressed the most brilliant
company of wits in Europe was little more emptied the
contents of the brandy-flask in a silver flagon, and quaffed
it gaily to the health of the company assembled. Twas
the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently, and
with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee
house, and was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past
the National Gallery.
" Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe
Addison himself in drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest
toper in the three kingdoms," Dick Steele said good-nat
uredly.
" His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou
sluggard," the Eight Honourable Mr. Addison exclaimed.
"He is the author of that famous No. 996 for which you
have all been giving me the credit."
"The rascal foiled me at capping verses," Dean Swift
said, " and won a tenpenny piece of me, plague take him ! ;
He has suggested an emendation in my Homer,
which proves him a delicate scholar," Mr. Pope exclaimed.
:< He knows more of the French king than any man I
have met with; and we must have an eye upon him," said
Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of State for Foreign
Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who
U NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him some
thing.
Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who
had struck all the wits of London with admiration? His
galloping charger had returned to the City; his splendid
court-suit was doffed for the citizen s gabardine and grocer s
humble apron.
George de Barnwell was in Chepe in Chepe, at the
knees of Martha Millwood.
VOL. III.
THE CONDEMNED CELL.
" Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Ellinor? Nay,"
George added, a faint smile illumining his wan but noble
features, " why speak to thee in the accents of the Eoman
poet, which thou coinprehendest not? Bright One, there
be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable
Labyrinth, this Heart on which thou leanest, which are
equally unintelligible to thee ! Yes, my pretty one, what
is the Unintelligible but the Ideal; what is the Ideal but
the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And
the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like
Him who wanders by the thina polupliloisboio tkalasses,
and shrinks awe-struck before that Azure Mystery."
Emily s eyes filled with fresh gushing dew. "Speak
on, speak ever thus, my George," she exclaimed. Barn-
well s chains rattled as the confiding girl clung to him.
Even Snoggin, the Turnkey, appointed to sit with the
Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate lan
guage, and also burst into tears. " You weep, my Snoggin,"
the Boy said, " and why? Hath Life been so charming to
me that I should wish to retain it? Hath Pleasure no
after- Weariness? Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care;
and Glory no Mockery? Psha! I am sick of Success,
palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine, and Wit and nay,
start not, my Adelaide and Woman. I fling away all
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 15
these things as the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul s
Nursery. I am a Man and pine for the Illimitable!
Mark you me ! Has the Morrow any terrors for me, think
ye? Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca blench
in his bath? Did Brutus shirk the sword when his Great
Stake was lost? Did even weak Cleopatra shrink from the
Serpent s fatal nip? and why should I? My great Hazard
hath been played, and I pay my forfeit. Lie sheathed in
my heart, thou flashing Blade ! Welcome to my Bosom,
thou faithful Serpent! I hug thee, peace-bearing Image
of the Eternal ! Ha, the hemlock cup ! Fill high, boy,
for my soul is thirsty for the Infinite ! Get ready the
bath, friends; prepare me for the feast of To-morrow
bathe my limbs in odours and put ointment in my hair."
"Has for a bath," Snoggin interposed, "they re not to
be ad in this ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy
will git you a little hoil for your air. "
The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. "My
guardian understands me not, pretty one and thou? what
sayst thou? from those dear lips methinks plura, sunt
oscula quam sententice I kiss away thy tears, dove ! they
will flow apace when I am gone, then they will dry, and
presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they
have beamed on poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not
all forget him, sweet one. He was an honest fellow, and
had a kindly heart for all the world said "
"That, that he had," cried the gaoler and the girl in
voices gurgling with emotion. And you who read! you,
unconvicted Convict you, murderer, though haply you
have slain no one you, Felon in posse, if not in esse deal
gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has
failed thee and believe that the Truthful and the Beauti
ful bloom sometimes in the dock and the convict s tawny
Gabardine !
In the matter for which he suffered, George could never
be brought to acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong.
"It may be an error of judgment," he said to the Vener-
16 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
able Chaplain of the gaol, "but it is no crime. Were it
Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no Re
morse, Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry; therefore, I
am innocent. Is the proposition a fair one? "
The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be
contested.
"And wherefore, Sir, should I have sorrow," the Boy
resumed, "for ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a
man whose very soul was dross, and who never had a feel
ing for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I stood
before my uncle in the moonlight in the gardens of the
ancestral halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that I was the
Nemesis come to overthrow him. * Dog, I said to the
trembling slave, tell me where thy Gold is. Thou hast
no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the Poverty on
which thoutramplest; in aiding Science, which thou know-
est not; in uplifting Art, to which thou art blind. Give
Gold, and thou art free ! But he spake not, and I slew
him."
" I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated,"
said the admirable chaplain, " for its general practice might
chance to do harm. Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gen
tle, the Loving and Beloved, the Poet and Sage, urged by
what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast appeared as
Avenger. Think what would be the world s condition,
were men without any Yearning after the Ideal to attempt
to reorganise Society, to redistribute Property, to avenge
Wrong."
"A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven," said the noble
though misguided young Prisoner. "Prometheus was a
Giant, and he fell."
*This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is expressed
much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of " Eugene Aram " :
"The burning desire I have known the resplendent visions I
have nursed the sublime aspirings that have lifted me so often
from sense and clay : these tell me that whether for good or ill, I am
the thing of an immortality, and the creature of a God. ... I have
destroyed a man noxious to the world ; with the wealth by which
he afflicted society, I have been the means of blessing many."
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 17
" Yes, indeed, my brave youth. ! the benevolent Dr.
Fuzwig exclaimed, clasping the Prisoner s marble and
manacled hand; "and the Tragedy of To-morrow will
teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted even
to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal
and Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Eeal
likewise."
" Look ! here is supper ! " cried Barn well gaily. " This
is the Real, Doctor; let us respect it and fall to." He
partook of the meal as joyously as if it had been one of
his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could scarcely
eat it for tears.
18 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
CODLINGSBY.
BY B. DE SHREWSBURY, ESQ.
whole world is bound by one chain. In every city
in the globe there is one quarter that certain travellers
know and recognise from its likeness to its brother-district
in all other places where are congregated the habitation of
men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or New York,
or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where
a certain man is not a stranger. Where the idols are fed
with incense by the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the
minarets soar sparkling above the cypresses, their reflex
ions quivering in the lucid waters of the Golden Horn;
where the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and
over imperial glories; where the huts are squatted by the
Niger, under the palm-trees; where the Northern Babel
lies, with its warehouses and its bridges, its graceful fac
tory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes hidden in fog and
smoke by the dirtiest river in the world in all the cities
of mankind there is One Home whither men of one family
may resort. Over the entire world spreads a vast brother
hood, suffering, silent, scattered, sympathising, waiting
an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread band
was an Arabian clan a little nation alone and outlying
amongst the mighty monarchies of ancient time, the
Megatheria of history. The sails of their rare ships might
be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of their cara
vans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through
the date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not
ingloriously, in many wars, against mighty odds; but
twas a small people, and on one dark night the Lion of
Judah went down before Vespasian s Eagles, and in flame,
and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonised and died. . . .
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 19
Yes, the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they
not taken the world in exchange?
Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby,
as he debouched from Wych Street into the Strand. He
had been to take a box for Armida at Madame Vestris s
theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame Vestris s
theatre; and her little Brougham, and her little self, and
her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her
miraculous bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty
guineas every evening at Nathan s in Covent Garden (the
children of the gardeners of Sharon have still no rival for
flowers), might be seen three nights in the week at least,
in the narrow, charming, comfortable little theatre, God
frey had the box. He was strolling listlessly eastward,
and the above thoughts passed through the young noble s
mind as he came in sight of Holy well Street.
The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches
basking in the evening sunshine. Children were playing
on the steps. Fathers were smoking at the lintel. Smil
ing faces looked out from the various and darkling dra
peries with which the warehouses were hung. Kinglets
glossy, and curly, and jetty eyes black as night midsum
mer night when it lightens ; haughty noses bending like
beaks of eagles eager quivering nostrils lips curved like
the bow of Love every man or maiden, every babe or
matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one
or more of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race.
"How beautiful they are!" mused Codlingsby, as he
surveyed these placid groups calmly taking their pleasure
in the sunset.
D you vant to look at a nishe coat? " a voice said, which
made him start ; and then some one behind him began hand
ling a master-piece of Stultz s with a familiarity which
would have made the Baron tremble.
"Rafael Mendoza!" exclaimed Godfrey.
The same, Lord Codlingsby," the individual so apos
trophised replied. "I told you we should meet again
where you would little expect me. Will it please you to
20 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
enter? This is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices
my heart to welcome you home." So saying, Eafael laid
his hand on his breast and bowed, an Oriental reverence.
All traces of the accent with which he first addressed Lord
Codlingsby had vanished ; it was a disguise ; half the He
brew s life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft,
since the Norman boors persecuted him.
They passqd under an awning of old clothes, tawdry
fripperies, greasy spangles, and battered masks, into a
shop as black and hideous as the entrance was foul. " This
your home, Eafael? " said Lord Codlingsby.
" Why not? " Kafael answered. " I am tired of Schloss
Schinkenstein, the Ehine bores me after a while. It is too
hot for Florence ; besides they have not completed the pic
ture-gallery, and my palace smells of putty. You wouldn t
have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in Nor
mandy, out of the hunting season. The Eugantino Palace
stupifies me. Those Titians are so gloomy. I shall have
my Hobbinias and Teniers, I think, from my house at the
Hague, hung over them. "
" How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops,
have you, Eafael? " Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing.
"This is one," Eafael answered. "Come in."
The noise in the old town was terrific ; Great Tom was
booming sullenly over the uproar ; the bell of Saint Mary s
was clanging with alarm; St. Giles s tocsin chimed fu
riously ; howls, curses, flights of brickbats, stones shivering
windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened
females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the
enemy from Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed
that the battle was at its height.
In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and
the cuirassiers would have been charging, sabre in hand,
amidst that infuriate mob. In France they would have
brought down artillery and played on it with twenty-four
pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance
it was a Town and Gown row.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 21
The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned
by eight stout bargees, with the redoubted Bullock for
stroke) had bumped the Brazennose light oar, usually at
the head of the river. High words arose regarding the
dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the
boats pulled back to Christchurch meadows, the disturb
ance between the Townsmen and the University youths
their invariable opponents grew louder and more violent,
until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmish
ing took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the
University gate down to the broad and shining waters of
the Cam and under the walls of Baliol and Sidney Sussex.
The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young sizar at
Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow
oar of the Bargee boat. Vavaseur of Brazennose was en
gaged with a powerful butcher, a well-known champion of
the Town party, when, the great University bells ringing
to dinner, truce was called between the combatants and
they retired to their several colleges for refection.
During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe,
and smoking a Nargilly, had attracted no ordinary atten
tion. He rowed about a hundred yards ahead of the boats
in the race, so that he could have a good view of that
curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few
rapid strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong
ahead ; then he would wait, surveying the race, and send
ing up volumes of odour from his cool Nargilly.
"Who is he? " asked the crowds who panted along the
shore, encouraging, according to Cambridge wont, the
efforts of the oarsmen in the race. Town and Gown alike
asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking in a
barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a
skill so prodigious, beat their best men. No answer
could be given to the query, save that a gentleman in a
dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six fourgons and a
courier, had arrived the day before at the Hoop Inn, oppo
site Brazennose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed
to be the individual in question.
22 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
i
No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete
with any that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or
Putney workman. That boat slim, shining, and shoot
ing through the water like a pike after a small fish was a
caique from Tophana it had distanced the Sultan s oars
men, and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bos-
phorus; it was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, Caikjee
Bashee of his Highness. The Bashee had refused fifty
thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff , the Eussian Am
bassador, for that little marvel. When his head was taken
off, the Father of Believers presented the boat to Rafael
Mendoza.
It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish Monarchy
after the battle of Nezeeb. By sending three millions of
piastres to the Seraskier; by bribing Colonel De St. Cor-
nichon, the French envoy in the camp of the victorious
Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped
the menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin ;
the Marchioness of Stokepogis, our Ambassador s lady,
appeared in a suit of diamonds which outblazed even, the
Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the little
caique. He never travelled without it. It was scarcely
heavier than an arm-chair. Baroni, the courier, had car
ried it down to the Cam that morning, and Rafael had seen
the singular sport which we have mentioned.
The dinner over, the young men rushed from their col
leges, flushed, full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown
was angry, the Town, too, was on the alert. From Ifney
and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from wharf and ware
house, the Town poured out to meet their enemy, and the
battle was soon general. From the Addenbrooke s hospi
tal to the Blenheim turnpike, all Cambridge was in an up
roar the College gates closed the shops barricaded the
shop-boys away in support of their brother townsmen the
battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight.
A luncheon of many courses had been provided for
Rafael Mendoza at his inn, but he smiled at the clumsy
efforts of the University cooks to entertain him, and a
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 23
couple of dates and a glass of water formed his meal. In
vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the
slighted banquet. "A breakfast! psha! " said he. "My
good man, I have nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from
four hundred a year. I can have a dinner at any hour,
but a Town and Gown row (a brickbat here flying through
the window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza s
hand) a Town and Gown row is a novelty to me. The
Town has the best of it, clearly, though ; the men outnum
ber the lads. Ha, a good blow ! How that tall townsman
went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet
trencher-cap."
"That is the Lord Codlingsby," the landlord said.
"A light weight, but a pretty fighter," Mendoza re
marked. " Well hit with your left, Lord Codlingsby, well
parried, Lord Codlingsby ; claret drawn, by Jupiter !
"Ours is werry fine," the landlord said. "Will your
highness have Chateau Margaux or Laffitte? "
" He never can be going to match himself against that
bargeman," Rafael exclaimed, as an enormous boatman
no other than Rullock indeed, the most famous bruiser of
Cambridge, and before whose fists the gownsmen went
down like ninepins, fought his way up to the spot where,
with admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and
one or two of his friends were making head against a num
ber of the Town.
The young noble faced the huge champion with the gal
lantry of his race, but was no match for the enemy s
strength, and weight, and sinew, and went down at every
round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. The
savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal
combat from the inn-window. "Hold your hand! he
cried to this Goliath ; " don t you see he s but a boy? "
"Down he goes again! " the bargeman cried, not heeding
the interruption. " Down he goes again ! I likes wapping
a Lord ! "
" Coward ! " shouted Mendoza, and to fling open the win
dow amidst a shower of brickbats, to vault over the bal-
2 Vol. 19
24 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
cony, to slide down one of the pillars to the ground, was
an instant s work.
At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman.
After the Coroner s inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand
pounds to each of the bargeman s ten children, and it was
thus his first acquaintance was formed with Lord Cod-
lingsby.
But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in
Holy well Street Let us go in !
Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer
shop of the old mansion in Holywell Street. It was a
masquerade warehouse, to all appearance. A dark-eyed
damsel of the nation was standing at the dark and grimy
counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow boots, old
stage mantles, painted masks, blind, and yet gazing at you
with a look of sad death-like intelligence from the vacancy
behind their sockets.
A medical student was trying one of the doublets of
orange-tawney and silver, slashed with dirty light blue.
He was going to a masquerade that night. He thought
Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress Polly Pat
tens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work the Borough Venus,
adored by half the youth of Guy s.
" You look like a Prince in it, Mr. Lint," pretty Rachael
said, coaxing him with her beady black eyes.
"It is the cheese," replied Mr. Lint; "it ain t the dress
that don t suit, my rose of Sharon, it s the figure. Hullo,
Kafael, is that you, my lad of sealing-wax! Come and
intercede for me with this wild gazelle; she says I can t
have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it s too much ;
cuss me if it s not too much, unless you ll take my little
bill at two months, Kafael."
" There s a sweet pretty brigand s dress you may have
for half de monish," Rafael replied; "there s a splendid
clown for eight bob ; but for dat Spanish dress, selp ma
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 25
Moshesh, Mdshter Lint, ve d ask a guinea of any but you.
Here s a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look ear,
Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat? "
So saying, Eafael turned to Lord Codlingsby with the ut
most gravity and displayed to him the garment about which
the young Medicus was haggling.
"Cheap at the money," Codlingsby replied; "if you
won t make up your mind, sir, I should like to engage it
myself." But the thought that another should appear be
fore Polly Pattens in that costume was too much for Mr.
Lint ; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment.
And Eafael pocketing the money with perfect simplicity,
said, "Dis vay, Mr. Brownsh; dere s someting vill shoot
you in the next shop."
Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering.
"You are surprised at our system," said Eafael, marking
the evident bewilderment of his friend. "Confess you
would call it meanness my huxtering with yonder young
fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away a shilling
without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four
men s bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers by hold
ing them out relief in their necessity? It is you who are
mean you Normans not we of the ancient race. You
have your vulgar measurement for great things and small.
You call a thousand pounds respectable and a shekel des
picable. Psha, my Codlingsby! One is as the other. I
trade in pennies and in millions. I am above or below
neither."
They were passing through a second shop, smelling
strongly of cedar, and, in fact, piled up with bales of those
pencils which the young Hebrews are in the habit of vend
ing through the streets. " I have sold bundles and bundles
of these," said Eafael. "My little brother is now out
with oranges in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be
head of our house at Amsterdam. We all do it. I had
myself to see Eothschild in Eaton Place this morning,
about the Irish loan, of which I have taken three millions;
and as I wanted to walk, I carried the bag.
26 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
" You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Laty-
mer, the Archbishop of Croy don s daughter, as she was
passing to St. Bennetts, Knightsbridge, and as she fancied
she recognised in the man who was crying old clothes the
gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de Saint
Aulaire s the night before." Something like a blush flushed
over the pale features of Mendoza as he mentioned the
Lady Lauda s name. "Come on," said he. They passed
through various warehouses the orange room, the sealing-
wax room, the six-bladed-knife department, and finally
came to an old baize door Rafael opened the baize door
by some secret contrivance, and they were in a black pas
sage with a curtain at the end.
He clapped his hands, the curtain at the end of the pas
sage drew back, and a flood of golden light streamed on the
Hebrew and his visitor.
CHAPTER XXIV.
THEY entered a moderate-sized apartment indeed, Holy-
well Street is not above a hundred yards long, and this
chamber was not more than half that length and fitted
up with the simple taste of its owner.
The carpet was of white velvet (laid over several webs
of Aubusson, Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot
gave no more sound as it trod upon the yielding plain than
the shadow did which followed you) of white velvet,
painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by
Sir William Boss, J. M. Turner, R.A., Mrs. Mee, and
Paul Delaroche. The edges were wrought with seed-pearls
and fringed with Valenciennes lace and bullion. The walls
were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered with gold fig
ures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses,
and passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The
drops of dew which the artificer had sprinkled on the
flowers were diamonds. The hangings were over-hung by
pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the gorgeous, Titian
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 27
the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of Paint
ing), some of Murillo s beautified shepherdesses, who smile
on you out of darkness like a star; a few score first-class
Leonardos and fifty of the master-pieces of the patron of
Julius and Leo, the Imperial genius of Urbino covered the
walls of the little chamber. Divans of carved amber cov
ered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst
was a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double-
distilled otto of roses.
" Pipes, Goliath ! Rafael said gaily to a little negro
with a silver collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue
of Dongola); "and welcome to our snuggery, my Cod-
lingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of the
house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I m proud of
my picture. That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a
gift to our father from my cousin, Marshal Manasseh; that
Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie Antoinette be
fore the flight to Varennes the poor lady could not redeem
the pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us.
As for the Rafael, I suppose you are aware that he was one
of our people. But what are you gazing at? Oh! my sis
ter I forgot Miriam! this is the Lord Codlingsby."
She had been seated at an ivory piano-forte on a mother-
of-pearl music-stool trying a sonata of Herz. She rose
when thus apostrophised. Miriam de Mendoza rose and
greeted the stranger.
The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives Zillah
the dark beauty; Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah
were black; those of Eva were golden. The eyes of Zil
lah were night; those of Eva were morning. Codlingsby
was fair of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa
they called him Miss Codlingsby at school : but how much
fairer was Miriam the Hebrew !
Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has
been the delight of all painters, and which, therefore, the
vulgar sneer at. It was of burning auburn. Meandering
over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand minute
ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue
28 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
velvet fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette, (valued at two
hundred thousand tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant
Vicovich who had received it from Dost Mahomed) with a
simple bird of paradise formed her head-gear. A sea-green
cyrnar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded
arms to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emer
alds over a yellow satin frock. Pink gauze trowsers span
gled with silver, and slippers of the same colour as the
band which clasped her ringlets (but so covered with pearls
that the original hue of the charming little papoosh disap
peared entirely) completed her costume. She had three
necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess
-her fingers glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and
priceless bracelets, bangles, and armlets wound round an
arm that was whiter than the ivory grand piano on which
it leaned.
As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning
upon him the solemn welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby
swooned almost in the brightness of her beauty. It was
well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to con
sciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recogni
tion, he sank upon a sandal-wood settee, as Goliath, the
little slave, brought aromatic coffee in cups of opal, and
alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the fragrant Gibelly.
"My lord s pipe is out," said Miriam with a srnile, re
marking the bewilderment of her guest who in truth for
got to smoke and taking up a thousand pound note from
a bundle on the piano, she lighted it at the taper and pro
ceeded to reilhune the extinguished chibouk of Lord
Codlingsby.
When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-
stool, at a signal from her brother touched the silver and
enamelled keys of the ivory piano, and began to sing, Lord
Codlingsby felt as if he were listening at the gates of Para
dise, or were hearing Jenny Lind.
" Lind is a name of the Hebrew race j so is Mendelssohn,
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 29
the Son of Almonds; so is Eosenthal, the Valley of the
Roses; so is Lowe or Lewis or Lyons or Lion the beauti
ful and the brave alike give cognizances to the ancient peo
ple you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or Rod-
gers," Rafael observed to his friend; and drawing the
instrument from his pocket, he accompanied his sister, in
the most ravishing manner, on a little gold and jewelled
harp of the kind peculiar to his nation.
All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were writ
ten- by composers of her race; it was either a hymn by Ros
sini, a polacca by Braham, a delicious romance by Sloman,
or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on the strings of the
instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the heart,
but she sang no other than the songs of her nation.
" Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always," Codlingsby
thought. " I could sit at thy feet as under a green palm-
tree, and fancy that Paradise-birds were singing in the
boughs."
Rafael read his thoughts. " We have Saxon blood too in
our veins," he said. "You smile, but it is even so. An
ancestress of ours made a mesalliance in the reign of your
King John. Her name was Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of
York, and she married in Spain, whither she had fled to
the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, then a
widower by the demise of his first lady Rowena. The
match was deemed a cruel insult amongst our people; but
Wilfrid conformed, and was a Rabbi of some note at the
synagogue at Cordova. We are descended from him
lineally. It is the only blot upon the escutcheon of the
Mendozas."
As they sate talking together, the music finished and
Miriam having retired (though her song and her beauty
were still present to the soul of the stranger) at a signal
from Mendoza, various messengers from the outer apart
ments came in to transact business with him.
First it was Mr. Aniinadab, who kissed his foot, and
brought papers to sign. " How is the house in Grosvenor
Square, Aminadab; and is your son tired of his yacht
30 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
yet? " Mendoza asked. " That is my twenty-fourth cashier/
said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went
away. " He is fond of display, and all my people may
have what money they like."
Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of
his mortgage. The Lord Bareacres, strutting into the
apartment with a haughty air, shrank back, nevertheless,
with surprise on beholding the magnificence around him.
"Little Mordecai," said Eaf ael to a little orange-boy who
came in at the heels of the noble, " take this gentleman out
and let him have ten thousand pounds. I can t do more for
you, my lord, than this I m busy. Good-bye ! " and Rafael
waved his hand to the peer and fell to smoking his Nargilly.
A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow
moustache, came next. He had an hour-glass of a waist,
and walked uneasily upon his high-heeled boots. " Tell
your master that he shall have two millions more, but not
another shilling," Rafael said. "That story about the
five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all
bosh. They won t believe it in Europe. You understand
me, Count Grogomoffski? 3
"But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I
shal-1 get the knout unless "
" Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the
fourth Court," said Mendoza good-naturedly. "Leave ine
at peace, Count; don t you see it is Friday and almost sun
set? The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left an
odour of musk and candle-grease behind him.
An orange-man, an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer
in piping bulfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a
proposal for a new loan for the Pope, were heard by turns,
and each, after a rapid colloquy in his own language, was
dismissed by Rafael.
"The Queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king
must be disposed of," Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow -faced
ambassador from Spain, General the Duke of Olla Podrida,
left him. "Which shall it be, my Codlingsby? " Cod
lingsby was about laughingly to answer, for indeed he was
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 31
amazed to find all the affairs of the world represented here,
and Holywell Street the centre of Europe, when three
knocks of a peculiar nature were heard, and Mendoza,
starting up, said, "Ha! there are only four men in the
world who know that signal." At once, and with a rever
ence quite distinct from, his former nonchalant manner, he
advanced towards the new-comer.
He was an old man an old man evidently too, of the
Hebrew race the light of his eyes was unfathomable
about his mouth there played an inscrutable smile. He
had a cotton umbrella, and old trowsers, and old boots, and
an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear.
He sate down as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as
Eafael made him the lowliest reverence.
"I am tired," says he; "I have come in fifteen hours.
I am ill at Neuilly," he added with a grin. " Get me some
eau sucree and tell me the news, Prince de Mendoza.
These bread rows ; this unpopularity of Guizot ; this odious
Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and
daughter ; this ferocity of Palnierston against Coletti, made
me quite ill. Give me your opinion, iny dear duke\ But
ha! whom have we here?
The august individual who had spoken, had used the
Hebrew language to address Mendoza, and the Lord Cod-
lingsby might easily have pleaded ignorance of that tongue.
But he had been at Cambridge, where all the youth acquire
it perfectly.
"Sire," said he, "I will not disguise from you that I
know the ancient tongue in which you speak. There are
probably secrets between Mendoza and your Maj-
" Hush ! " said Eafael, leading him from the room. "Au
revoir, dear Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of its," he
whispered at the door ; " so is the Pope of Home ; so is
. . ." -a whisper concealed the rest.
"Gracious powers! is it so? :> said Codlingsby musing.
He entered into Holywell Street. The sun was sinking.
"It is time," said he, "to go and fetch Arniida to the
Olympic."
32 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
LORDS AND LIVERIES.
BY THE AUTHORESS OF " DUKES AND DEJEUNERS,"
"HEARTS AND DIAMONDS," "MARCHIONESSES AND
MILLINERS," ETC. ETC.
"CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the
Fitzbattleaxe box to-night," said one of a group of young
dandies, who were leaning over the velvet-cushioned bal
conies of the Coventry Club, smoking their full-flavoured
Cubas (from Hudson s) after the opera.
Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm
from the lips of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was
never heard to admire anything except a coulis de dindon-
neau a la St. Menehould,or a supreme de cochonen torticolis
a la Piffarde ; such as Champollion, the chef of the Trav
ellers, only knows how to dress, or the bouquet of a flask
of Medoc, of Carbonell s best quality; or a goutte of Ma-
rasquin, from the cellars of Briggs and Hobson.
Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Vis
count Paon of Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a
Baronet, was, like too many of our young men of ton,
utterly blase, although only in his twenty-fourth year.
Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent principles, (who
had imbued his young mind with that Morality which is
so superior to all the vain pomps of the world !) it had not
been always the young Earl s lot to wear the coronet for
which he now in sooth cared so little. His father, a Cap
tain of Britain s navy, struck down by the side of the gal
lant Collingswood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his
sword and spotless name to his young, lovely, and incon
solable widow, who passed the first years of her mourning
in educating her child in an elegant though small cottage
in one of the romantic marine villages of beautiful Devon
shire. Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 33
widow s heart as she pressed him to it! how faithfully did
she instil into his young bosom those principles which had
been the pole-star of the existence of his gallant father.
In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost bound
less found the widow and her boy. The seventeenth Earl
-gallant and ardent, and in the prime of youth, went
forth one day from the Eternal City to a steeple-chase in
the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to
his hotel in the Piazza de Spagna. Death, alas! is no
respecter of the Nobility, That shattered form was all
that remained of the fiery, the haughty the wild, but the
generous Altamont de Pentonville ! Such, such is fate !
The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a
mother s solicitude at the distinctions and honours which
thus suddenly descended on her boy. She engaged an ex
cellent clergyman of the Church of England to superintend
his studies ; to accompany him on foreign travel when the
proper season arrived; to ward from him those dangers
which dissipation always throws in the way of the noble,
the idle, and the wealthy. But the Reverend Cyril Delaval
died of the measles at Naples ; and henceforth the young
Earl of Bagnigge was without a guardian.
What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty
he was a cynic and an epicure. He had drained the cup
of pleasure until it had palled in his unnerved hand. He
had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps with
out reverence. He was as unmoved by the sandy solitudes
of the desert as by the placid depths of Mediterraneans sea
of blue. Bitter, bitter tears did Emily de Pentonville
weep, when, on Alured s return from the Continent, she
beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in
her beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still-beloved
boy!
; Corpo di bacco," he said, pitching the end of his cigar
on to the red nose of the Countess of Dela wad dy more s
coachman, who, having deposited her fat ladyship at No.
236, Piccadilly, was driving the carriage to the stables, be
fore commencing his evening at the Fortune of War Public-
34 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
house. "What a lovely creature that was! What eyes!
what hair ! Who knows her? Do you, mon cher Prince ? r>
" HJ bellissima, certamente," said the Duca di Montepul-
ciano, and stroked down his jetty moustache.
" Ein gar schones Madchen," said the Hereditary Grand
Duke of Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty
one.
" Elle rfest pas mal, ma foi ! " said the Prince de Boro
dino, with a scowl on his darkling brows. " Mon Dieu,
que ces cigarres sent mauvais ! " he added, as he too cast
away his Cuba.
"Try one of my Pickwicks," said Franklin Fox, with a
sneer, offering his gold etui to the young Frenchman, " they
are some of Pontet s best, Prince. What, do you bear
malice? Come, let us be friends," said the gay and care
less young patrician ; but a scowl on the part of the French
man was the only reply.
" Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she
is, Bagnigge," the wag went on.
Everybody crowded round Monsieur de Borodino thus
apostrophised. The Marquis of Alicompayne, young De
Boots of the Life Guards, Tom Protocol of the Foreign
Office; the gay young peers Farintosh, Poldoody, and the
rest ; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any
one present.
"No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don t you see
he has gone off in a fury ! " Franklin Fox continued. " He
has his reasons, ce cher Prince ; he will tell you nothing,.,
but I will. You know that I am au mieux with the dear
old Duchess."
"They say Frank and she are engaged after the Duke s
death," cried Poldoody.
"I always thought Fwank was the Duke s illicit gweat-
gwandson," drawled out De Boots.
" I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to
bring her wigs from Paris," cried that malicious Tom Pro
tocol, whose mots are known in every diplomatic salon from
Petersburgh to Palermo.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 35
"Bum her wigs, and hang her poodle," said Bagnigge.
"Tell us about this girl, Franklin Fox."
"In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres,
in a ring fence, in Norfolk ; a County in Scotland ; a Castle
in Wales, a Villa at Richmond, a corner-house in Belgrave
Square, and eighty thousand a-year in the Three per Cents."
"Apres," said Bagnigge still yawning.
" Secondly, Borodino lid fait la cour. They are cousins,
her mother was an Armagnac of the emigration ; the old
Marshal, his father, married another sister. I believe he
was footman in the family, before Napoleon princified
him."
"No, no, he was second coachman," Tom Protocol
good-naturedly interposed " cavalry officer, Frank, not an
infantry man."
"Faith, you should have seen his fury (the young one s,
I mean) when he found me in the Duchess s room this
evening, tete-a-tete with the heiress, who deigned to accept
a bouquet from this hand."
" It cost me three guineas," poor Frank said, with a
shrug and a sigh, " and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives
no credit; but she took the flowers; eh, Bagnigge? ;
"And flung them to Alboni," the Peer replied, with a
haughty sneer. And poor little Franklin Fox was com
pelled to own that she had.
The maitre-d hotel announced that supper was served.
It was remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made
no impression on Bagnigge that night.
The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pim-
lico at the Court of the Sovereign, and in the salons of the
beau-monde, was such as has seldom been created by the
appearance of any other beauty. The men were raving
with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her
beauty, her wit, her grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur
of admiration or envy.
Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with
her Grace s daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwin-
36 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
ever Portcullis, the heiress s regal beauty quite flung her
cousins simple charms into the shade, and blazed with a
splendour which caused all " minor lights " to twinkle
faintly. Before a day the leau-monde, before a week even
the vulgarians of the rest of the town, rang with the fame
of her beauty ; and while the dandies and the beauties were
raving about her or tearing her to pieces in May Fair, even
Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the "Hoperer" in
a green turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about
the great hair ess to her D. in Bloomsbury Square.
Crowds went to Squab and Lynch s, in Long Acre, to
examine the carriages building for her, so faultless, so
splendid, so quiet, so odiously unostentatious and provok-
ingly simple ! Besides the ancestral services of argenterie
and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six
plate chests at Messrs. Childs, Bumble and Briggs pre
pared a gold service, and Garraway, of the Hayniarket, a
service of the Benvenuto Cellini pattern, which were the
admiration of all London. Before a month it is a fact that
the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited blue stocks,
called " Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six ; : long
before that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline s,
or sent couriers to Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to
have copies of her dresses ; but, as the Mantuan bard ob
serves, " Non cuivis contigit," -every foot cannot accommo
date itself to the chaussure of Cinderella.
With all this splendour, this worship, this beauty ; with
these cheers following her, and these crowds at her feet,
was Amethyst happy? Ah, no ! It is not under the neck
lace the most brilliant that Briggs and Kumble can supply ;
it is not in Lynch s best cushioned chariot that the heart is
most at ease. " Queje me mineral," says Fronsac in a let
ter to Bossuet, "sijesavais ou acheter le bonkeur."
With all her riches, with all her splendour, Amethyst
was wretched wretched, because lonely ; wretched, because
her loving heart had nothing to cling to. Her splendid
mansion was a convent ; no male person ever entered it,
except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing), and the
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 37
Duchess s family, her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his
friend old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the odious,
odious Borodino.
The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst
was engaged to him. Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that
he should choose such an opportunity to refaire sa fortune.
He gave out that he would kill any man who should cast
an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his word.
Major Grigg, of the Life Guards, had already fallen by his
hand at Ostend. The O Toole, who had met her on the
Rhine, had received a ball in his shoulder at Coblentz, and
did not care to resume so dangerous a courtship. Borodino
could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards. He
could beat Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the
small sword ; he was the dragon that watched this pomme
d or, and very few persons were now inclined to face a
champion si redoutable.
Over a Salmi d escargot at the Coventry, the dandies
whom we introduced in our last volume were assembled
there talking of the heiress, and her story was told by
Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who for a wonder was in
terested in the tale. Borodino s pretensions were discussed,
and the way in which the fair Amethyst was confined.
Fitzbattleaxe House in Belgrave Square is as everybody
knows the next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst.
A communication was made between the two houses. She
never went out except accompanied by the Duchess s guard,
which it was impossible to overcome,
"Impossible! Nothing s impossible," said Lord Bag
nigge.
I bet you what you like you don t get in," said the
young Marquis of Martingale.
I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the
heiress s house before the season s over," Lord Bagnigge
replied with a yawn; and the bet was registered with
shouts of applause.
But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against
Lord Bagnigge, for the very next day, riding in the Park,
38 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
his horse fell with him ; he was carried home to his house
with a fractured limb and a dislocated shoulder, and the
doctor s bulletins pronounced him to be in the most dan
gerous state.
Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger
of his riding by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight
after the above events, his Lordship was prancing by her
Grace s great family coach, and chattering with Lady
Gwinever about the strange wager.
"Do you know what a pony is, "Lady Gwinever?" he
asked. Her Ladyship said yes ; she had a cream-coloured
one at Castle Barbican ; and stared when Lord Martingale
announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies;
worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now
kept at Coutts s. Then he explained the circumstances of
the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament was to adjourn in ten
days; the season would be over; Bagnigge was lying ill
cliez lui ; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrevoca
bly his. And he vowed he would buy Lord Binnacle s
yacht crew, captain, guns, and all.
On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore s,
Martingale found among the many billets upon the gold
plateau in his ante-ckambre, the following brief one, which
made him start :
MARTINGALE, Don t be too sure of Binnacle s
yacht. There are still ten days before the season is over;
and my ponies may lie at Coutts s for some time to come.
-Yours, BAGNIGGE.
" P. S. I write with my left hand ; for my right is still
splintered up from that confounded fall."
The tall footman, number four, who had come in the
place of John, cashiered (for want of proper mollets, and
because his hair did not take powder well) had given great
satisfaction to the under- butler, who reported well of him
to his chief, who had mentioned his name with praise to
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 39
the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well-
spoken a young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper s
room deigned to notice him more than once ; nor was his
popularity diminished on account of a quarrel in which he
engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon
chasseur, who was one day found embracing Miss Flouncy,
who waited on Amethyst s own maid. The very instant
Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames entering the Servants 7 Hall,
where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in " aggravating "
her, Miss Flouncy screamed at the next moment the Bel
gian giant lay sprawling upon the carpet and Jeames,
standing over him, assumed so terrible a look, that the
chasseur declined any further combat. The victory was
made known to the house -steward himself, who, being a
little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames
on his valour, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own
room.
Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the
Bagnigge people. He had lived, he said, in that family
two years. "But where there was no ladies," he said, "a
gentleman s hand was spiled for service," and Jeames s
was a very delicate hand ; Miss Flouncy admired it very
much, and of course he did not defile it by menial service ;
he had in a young man who called him " Sir," and did all
the coarse work ; and Jeames read the morning paper to
the ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many
gentlemen do, but easily and elegantly, speaking off the
longest words without a moment s difficulty. He could
speak French, too, Miss Flouncy found, who was studying
it under Mademoiselle Qy&udiQ,fitte-de-chambre de confiance ;
for when she said to him, "Polly voo Fransy, Munseer
Jeames? " he replied readily, " We, Mademaselle,faipassay
boco de tong a Parry. Commong voo potty voo ? How
Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before her, the day
after he had saved Miss Amethyst, when the horses had
run away with her in tlie Park !
Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a
week in Amethyst s service, and already the gentle heart
40 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
of the washing-girl was irrecoverably gone ! Poor Flouncy !
poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee.
It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to
drive with her cousin the Prince in his phaeton, her own
carriage was sent into the Park simply with her compan
ion, who had charge of her little Fido, the dearest little
spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind
the carriage with their long sticks and neat dark liveries ;
the horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the coach
man a late Lieutenant Colonel of cavalry ; the whole ring
did not boast a more elegant turn-out.
The Prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle
cousine. It may have been the red fezzes in the carriage
of the Turkish ambassador which frightened the Prince s
greys, or Mrs. Champignon s new yellow liveries, which
were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon s pre
ternatural ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at
the time, or the Prince s own want of skill, finally; but
certain it is that the horses took fright, dashed wildly
along the mile, scattered equipages, pietons, dandies cabs,
and Snobs pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming; and the
Prince, deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind ; as the
curricle came rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst s
carriage stood.
"I m blest/ Frederick exclaimed to his companion, "if
it ain t the Prince a-drivin our Missis! They ll be in the
Serpingtine, or dashed to pieces, if they don t mind ; ; and
the runaway steeds at this instant came upon them as a
whirlwind.
But if those steeds ran at whirlwind pace, Jeames was
swifter. To jump from behind, to bound after the rock
ing, reeling curricle, to jump into it, aided by the long
stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole, and to
seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino,
who shrieked piteously, as the dauntless valet leapt on his
toes and into his seat, was the work of an instant. In a
few minutes the mad, swaying rush of the horses was re
duced to a swift but steady gallop; presently a canter, then
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 41
a trot ; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling,
but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst s carriage, which
came up at a rapid pace.
"Give me the reins, malappris ! tu m ecrasses les cors,
manant ! " yelled the frantic nobleman, writhing under
neath the intrepid charioteer.
" Tant pis pour toi, nigaud," was the reply. The lovely
Amethyst of course had fainted ; but she recovered as she
was placed in her carriage, and rewarded her preserver
with a celestial smile.
The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he
saw the latter a liveried menial stoop gracefully forward
and kiss Amethyst s hand, may be imagined rather than
described. But Jeames heeded not his curses. Having
placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly
resumed his station behind. Passion or danger seemed to
have no impression upon that pale marble face.
Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage dimin
ished, when, on coming to dinner that day, a recherche ban
quet served in the Frangipane best style, and requesting a
supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses, the clumsy
attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille
cisele, with its scalding contents, over the Prince s chin,
his Mechlin jabot, and the grand cordon of the Legion of
Honour which he wore.
" Infdmej" howled Borodino, " tu I as fait expres !
" Oui, je V ai fait expres," said the man, with the most
perfect Parisian accent. It was Jeames.
Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed
even after the morning s service, and he was chassed on the
spot. He had been but a week in the house.
The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph
which may possibly elucidate the above mystery, and to
the following effect :
Singular Wager. One night, at the end of last season
the young and eccentric Earl of B gn gge laid a wager
of twenty-five thousand pounds with a broken sporting
42 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
patrician, the dashing Marquis of M rt ng le, that he
would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely
young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B 1-
gr -ve Squ re. The bet having been made, the Earl pre
tended an illness, and having taken lessons from one of his
lordship 7 s own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose name he
also borrowed) in the mysteries of the profession actually
succeeded in making an entry into Miss P ml GO S man
sion, where he stopped one week exactly; having time to
win his bet, and to save the life of the lady, whom we hear
he is about to lead to the altar. He disarmed the Prince
of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands and, it is
said, appeared at the C club wearing his plush costume
under a cloak, and displaying it as a proof that he had won
his wager."
Such indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple
have not more than nine hundred thousand a year, but they
live cheerfully, and manage to do good; and Emily de
Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law, and her little
grand-children, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un
homme range.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 43
BAEBAZURE
BY G. P. E. JEAMES, ESQ., ETC.
IT was upon one of those balmy evenings of November
which are only known in the valleys of Languedoc and
among the mountains of Alsace, that two cavaliers might
have been perceived by the naked eye threading one of the
rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land be
tween the Marne and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the
declining luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which
lined the path, through which the horsemen wound slowly ;
and as those eternal battlements with which Nature had
hemmed in the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed
with the last tints of the fading sunlight, the valley below
was grey and darkling, and the hard and devious course
was sombre in twilight. A few goats, hardly visible among
the peaks, were cropping the scanty herbage here and there.
The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks as they
trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up
plaintive echoes which moaned through those rocky and
lonely steeps; the stars began to glimmer in the purple
heavens, spread serenely overhead ; and the faint crescent of
the moon, which had peered for some time scarce visible in
the azure, gleamed out more brilliantly at every moment,
until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun s retreat. Tisa
fair land that of France, a gentle, a green, and a beautiful;
the home of arts and arms, of chivalry and romance, and
(however sadly stained by the excesses of modern times)
twas the unbought grace of nations once, and the seat of
ancient renown and disciplined valour.
And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so
bright, and bravery so famous, there is no spot greener or
fairer than that one over which our travellers wended, and
which stretches between the good towns of Yendemiaire and
Nivose. Tis common now to a hundred thousand voy-
44 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
agers : the English tourist, with his chariot and his Har
vey s Sauce, and his imperials; the bustling commis-voy-
ageur on the roof of the rumbling diligence; the rapid
malle-poste thundering over the chaussee at twelve miles
an hour pass the ground hourly and daily now : twas lone
ly and unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century
with which our story commences.
Along the darkening mountain paths the two gentlemen
(for such their outward bearing proclaimed them) caracolled
together. The one, seemingly the younger of the twain,
wore a flaunting feather in his barrat-cap, and managed a
prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curvetted
gaily. A surcoat of peach-coloured samite and a purfled
doublet of vair bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant eye,
his exquisitely chiselled nose, and his curling chestnut ring
lets.
Youth was on his brow ; his eyes were dark and dewy,
like spring violets ; and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek
roses, alas! that bloom and die with life s spring! Now
bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking off with his
riding-rod a flowret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot
rode by his darker companion.
His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true
Norman breed, that had first champed grass on the green
pastures of Acquitaine. Thence through Berry, Picardy,
and the Limousin, halting at many a city and commune,
holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor of
Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain 1 Auxerrois, the warrior
and his charger reached the lonely spot where now we find
them.
The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth
worthy of the steed which bore him. Both were capari
soned in the fullest trappings of feudal war. The arblast,
the mangonel, the derniculverm, and the cuissart of the
period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the war-steed ;
while the rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and
arriere-ban, morion and tumbril, battle-axe and rifflard, and
the other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode stately
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 45
on his steel-clad charger, himself a tower of steel. This
mighty horseman was carried by his steed as lightly as the
young springald by his Andalusian hackney.
" Twas well done of thee, Philibert," said he of the
proof-armour, " to ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin
and companion in arms."
"Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de
Clos-Vougeot ! replied the young Cavalier. " When I was
yet a page, thou wert a belted knight ; and thou wert away
to the Crusade ere ever my beard grew."
" I stood by Eichard of England at the gates of Ascalon,
and drew the spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of
Damietta," the individual addressed as Romane replied.
"Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy (and marry tis
yet a thin one), I have broken a lance with Solyman at
Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre.
But enough of this. Tell me of home of our native val
ley of my hearth, and my lady mother, and my good
chaplain tell me of her, Philibert," said the knight, ex
ecuting a demivolte, in order to hide his emotion.
Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he
would parry the question. "The Castle stands on the
rock," he said, " and the swallows still build in the battle
ments. The good chaplain still chants his vespers at morn,
and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother
still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey.
The tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely,
kinsman mine," he added with an arch look.
"But Fatima, Fatirna, how fares she? Romane con
tinued. " Since Lammas was a twelvemonth, I hear nought
of her; my letters are unanswered. The postman hath
traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a
billet. How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot? "
"She is well," Philibert replied; "her sister Anne is
the fairest of the twain, though."
" Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt.
A plague on sister Anne ! Speak of Fatima, Philibert my
blue -eyed Fatima! "
46 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
"I say she is well," answered his comrade, gloomily.
"Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles?
Kay, hath she had small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak !
speak, boy ! cried the knight, wrought to agony.
"Her cheek is as red as her mother s, though the old
Countess paints hers every day. Her foot is as light as a
sparrow s, and her voice as sweet as a minstrel s dulcimer;
but give me nathless the Lady Anne," cried Philibert,
" give me the peerless Lady Anne ! As soon as ever I have
won spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and pro
claim her the Queen of Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady
Anne ! and so saying but evidently wishing to disguise
some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could ill
brook to hear the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly for
ward.
But swift as was his courser s pace, that of his com
panion s enormous charger was swifter. "Boy," said the
elder, "thou hast ill tidings. I knew it by thy glance.
Speak : shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a thou
sand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in
the name of Heaven and good Saint Botibol, Komane de
Clos-Vougeot will bear your tidings like a man."
"Fatima is well," answered Philibert once again; "she
hath had no measles : she lives and is still fair. "
"Fair, aye, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert?
Not false? By Saint Botibol, say not false," groaned the
elder warrior.
"A month syne," Philibert replied, "she married the
Baron de Barbazure."
With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in
agony, the brave knight Komane de Clos-Vougeot sank
back at these words, and fell from his charger to the
ground, a lifeless mass of steel.
Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendour,
the once vast and magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a
moss-grown ruin. The traveller of the present day, who
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 47
wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and climbs the
steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely
trace, among the shattered masses of ivy-coloured masonry
which lie among the lonely crags, even the skeleton of the
proud and majestic palace stronghold of the Barons of Bar-
bazure.
In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as
stately, and seemed (to the pride of sinful man !) as strong
as the eternal rocks on which they stood. The three mul
lets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted by the sinople
couchant Or, the well-known cognizance of the house,
blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, sur
mounting as many towers. The long lines of battlemented
walls spread down the mountain to the Loire, and were
defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men. Four
hundred knights and six times as many archers fought
round the banner of Barbazure at Bou vines, Malplaquet,
and Azincour. For his services at Fontenoy against the
English, the heroic Charles Martel appointed the four
teenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom
of France : and for wealth, for splendour, and for skill and
fame in war, Eaoul the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no
wise inferior to his noble ancestors.
That the Baron Eaoul levied toll upon the river, and
mail upon the shore ; that he now and then ransomed a
burgher, plundered a neighbour, or drew the fangs of a
Jew; that he burned an enemy s castle with the wife and
children within ; these were points for which the country
knew and respected the stout Baron. When he returned
from victory, he was sure to endow the Church with a part
of his spoil, so that when he went forth to battle he was
always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron
Kaoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an orna
ment to the Court, the Church, and his neighbours.
But in the midst of all his power and splendour there
was a domestic grief which deeply afflicted the princely
Barbazure. His lovely ladies died one after the other.
No sooner was he married than he was a widower ; in the
3 Vol. 19
48 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements
had befallen the chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is
a parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall of the
great and wealthy as it doth the humbler tenements of the
poor.
*
"Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover,"
said the Lady of Chacabacque to her daughter the lovely
Fatima, " and think how the noble Barbazure loves thee !
Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had eyes for
thee and thy cousin only."
" I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud
of," the admirable Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. "Not
that I care for my Lord of Barbazure s looks. My heart,
dearest mother, is with him who is far away !
" He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles,
and twenty -three corantoes, I think, child," the mother
said, eluding her daughter s remark.
"Twenty -five," said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful
eyes to the ground. " Heigho ! but Bouiane danced them
very well."
" He had not the court air," the mother suggested.
" I don t wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Bar
bazure s dancing, Mamma, "Fatima replied. "For a short,
lusty man, tis wondrous how active he is; and in dignity
the King s Grace himself could not surpass him."
"You were the noblest couple in the room, love," the
lady cried.
"That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange- tawney,
those ostrich plumes, blue, red and yellow, those parti
coloured hose and pink shoon became the noble Baron
wondrous well," Fatima acknowledged. "It must be con
fessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of
youth . But alas ! Madam ! The noble Baron hath had nine
wives already."
"And your cousin would give her eyes to become the
tenth," the mother replied.
" My cousin give her eyes ! " Fatima exclaimed. " It s
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 49
not much, I m sure, for she squints abominably; " and thus
the ladies prattled, as they rode home at night after the
great ball at the house of the Baron of Barbazure.
The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will
understand the doubts which pervaded the mind of the
lovely Fatima, and the well-nurtured English maiden will
participate in the divided feelings which rent her bosom.
Tis true, that on Ids departure for the holy wars, Bomane
and Fatima were plighted to each other ; but the folly of
long engagements is proverbial: and though for many
months the faithful and affectionate girl had looked in vain
for news from him, her admirable parents had long spoken
with repugnance of a match which must bring inevitable
poverty to both parties. They had suffered, tis true, the
engagement to subsist, hostile as they ever were to it ; but
when on the death of the ninth lady of Barbazure, the
noble Baron remarked Fatima at the funeral, and rode
home with her after the ceremony, her prudent parents saw
how much wiser, better, happier, for their child it would
be to have for life a partner like the Baron, than to wait
the doubtful return of the penniless wanderer to whom she
was plighted.
Ah ! how beautiful and pure a being ! how regardless of
self! how true to duty! how obedient to parental command,
is that earthly angel, a well-bred woman of genteel family !
Instead of indulging in splenetic refusals or vain regrets
for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima, at once signi
fied to] her excellent parents her willingness to obey their
orders ; though she had sorrows (and she declared them to
be tremendous) the admirable being disguised them so
well, that none knew they oppressed her. She said she
would try to forget former ties, and (so strong in her mind
was duty above every other feeling ; so strong may it be in
every British maiden !) the lovely girl kept her promise.
"My former engagements," she said, packing up Bo-
mane s letters and presents, (which, as the good knight
was mortal poor were in sooth of no great price) "my
former engagements I look upon as childish follies; my
50 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
affections are fixed where rny dear parents graft them on
the noble, the princely, the polite Barbazure. Tis true he
is not comely in feature, but the chaste and well-bred
female knows how to despise the fleeting charms of form.
Tis true he is old; but can woman be better employed than
in tending her aged and sickly companion? That he has
been married is likewise certain but ah, my mother! who
knows not that he must be a good and tender husband,
who, nine times wedded, owns that he cannot be happy
without another partner?
It was with these admirable sentiments, the lovely Fati-
ma proposed obedience to her parents will, and consented
to receive the magnificent marriage gift presented to her by
her gallant bridegroom.
The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of
vain attempts to see her hapless daughter. Ever, when
she came, the porters grinned at her savagely through the
grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled gate of
the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. " The
Lady of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and
keeps her chamber," was the invariable reply of the dogged
functionaries to the entreaties of the agonised mother.
And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual calls at
his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who
chanced to be at the postern, aimed a cross-bow, and let fly
an arblast at the crupper of the lady s palfrey, whereon she
fled finally, screaming, and in terror. " I will aim at the
rider next time! howled the ferocious Baron, "and not at
the horse ! And those who knew his savage nature and
his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would
neither break his knightly promise nor miss his aim.
Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy
gave his famous passage of arms at Nantes, and all the
nobles of France were present at the joustings, it was re
marked that the Barbazure s heart was changed towards his
gentle and virtuous lady.
For the three first days of that famous festival, the re
doubted Baron of Barbazure had kept the field against all
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 51
the knights who entered. His lance bore everything down
before it. The most famous champions of Europe, assem
bled at those joustings, had dropped one by one, before this
tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined
to be his, and he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave,
as his lady was fairest of the fair.
On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over
the Yosges, and the shadows were lengthening over the
plain where the warrior had obtained such triumphs ; after
having overcome two hundred and thirteen knights of dif
ferent nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid
Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted
Duguesclin, as the conqueror sate still erect on his charger,
and the multitude doubted whether ever another champion
could be found to face him, three blasts of a trumpet were
heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing more
clearly, until a knight in pink armour rode into the lists
with his visor down, and riding a tremendous dun charger,
which he managed to the admiration of all present.
The heralds asked him his name and quality.
"Call me," said he, in a hollow voice, "the Jilted
Knight." What was it made the Lady of Barbazure trem
ble at his accents?
The knight refused to tell his name and qualities ; but
the companion who rode with him, the young and noble
Philibert de Coquelicot, who was known and respected uni
versally through the neighbourhood, gave a warranty for
the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight, and
Raoul de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two hundred
and fourteenth lance, shook the huge weapon in the air as
though it were a reed, and prepared to encounter the in
truder.
According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point
of the spear from harm, the top of the unknown knight s
lance was shielded with a bung, which the warrior removed ;
and galloping up to Barbazure s pavilion, over which his
shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with the sharp
ened steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assem-
52 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
bly at this daring challenge to a combat a I outrance.
" Hast thou confessed, Sir Knight? roared the Barbazure ;
" take thy ground, and look to thyself ; for by Heaven thy
last hour is come ! Poor youth, poor youth ! sighed the
spectators; he has called down his own fate. The next
minute the signal was given, and as the siinoom across the
desert, the cataract down the rock, the shell from the
howitzer, each warrior rushed from his goal. . . .
" Thou wilt not slay so good a champion ! said the
Grand Duke, as at the end of that terrific combat the
knight in rose armour stood over his prostrate foe, whose
helmet had rolled off when he was at length unhorsed, and
whose blood-shot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity
on his conqueror.
"Take thy life," said he who had styled himself the
Jilted Knight; "thou hast taken all that was dear to
mine ; J: and the sun setting, and no other warrior appear
ing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the con
queror, and rode up to the duchess s balcony to receive the
gold chain which was the reward of the victor. He raised
his visor as the smiling princess guerdoned him raised it,
and gave one sad look towards the Lady Fatima at her side !
"Roniane de Clos-Vougeot! shrieked she, and fainted.
The Baron of Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on
the ground with his wound, and by his slighted honour, by
his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore revenge ; and
the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a Queen,
returned to her castle as a prisoner.
(As it is impossible to give in the limits of our periodical
the whole of this remarkable novel, let it suffice to say
briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which
the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of
the Baroness kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and
the general tone of morality, are all excellently worked out,
the Baron de Barbazure resolves upon putting his wife to
death by the hands of the public executioner. )
Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 53
Baron was on the platform to- inspect the preparations for
the frightful ceremony of mid-day.
The block was laid forth the hideous minister of ven
geance, masked and in black, with the flaming glaive in his
hand, was ready. The Baron tried the edge of the blade
with his finger, and asked the dreadful swordsman if his
hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood.
The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank
from him. There was not one there but loved and pitied
the gentle lady.
Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon.
To all her lord s savage interrogatories, her reply had been,
"I am innocent." To his threats of death, her answer
was, "You are my lord; my life is in your hands, to take
or to give." How few are the wives, in our day, who
show such angelic meekness ! It touched all hearts around
her, save that of the implacable Barbazure. Even the Lady
Blanche (Fatima s cousin) whom he had promised to marry
upon his faithless wife s demise, besought for her kins
woman s life, and a divorce, but Barbazure had vowed her
death.
" Is there no pity, sir? ; asked the chaplain who had at
tended her. "No pity," echoed the weeping serving-maid.
" Did I not aye say I would die for my lord? said the
gentle lady, and placed herself at the block.
Sir E-aoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her
raven hair. " Now ! shouted he to the executioner, with
a stamp of his foot, " Now strike !
The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and
poised himself to deliver his blow : and, making his flash
ing sword sing in the air, with one irresistible, rapid stroke,
it sheared clean off the head of the furious, the blood
thirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure !
Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy; and the agita
tion of the Lady Fatima may be imagined when the execu
tioner, flinging off his mask, knelt gracefully at her feet,
and revealed to her the well-known features of Komane de
Clos-Vougeot.
54 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
PHIL FOGAETY.
A TALE OF THE FIGHTING ONETY-ONETH.
BY HARRY ROLLICKER.
THE gabion was ours. After two hours fighting we
were in possession of the first embrasure, and made our
selves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. Jack
Delamere, Tom Delaney, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and
myself, sate down under a pontoon, and our servants laid
out a hasty supper on a tumbril. Though Cambaceres had
escaped me so provokingly after I cut him down, his spoils
were mine, a cold fowl and a Bologna sausage were found
in the Marshal s holsters ; and in the haversack of a French
private who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of
bread, his three days ration. Instead of salt we had gun
powder; and you may be sure, wherever the Doctor was, a
flask of good brandy was behind him in his instrument-case.
We sate down and made a soldier s supper. The Doctor
pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees
growing near (and round which the Carabiniers and the
24th Leger had made a desperate rally), and punch was
brewed in Jack Delamere s helmet.
"Faith, it never had so much wit in it before," said the
Doctor, as he ladled out the drink. We all roared with
laughter, except the guardsman, who was as savage as a
Turk at a christening.
" Buvez-en," said old Sawbones to our French prisoner;
" f a vous fera du bien, mon vieux coq ! " and the Colonel,
whose wound had been just dressed, eagerly grasped at
the proffered cup, and drained it with a health to the
donors.
How strange are the chances of war ! But half-an-hour
before he and I were engaged in mortal combat, and our
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 55
prisoner was all but my conqueror. Grappling with Cam-
baceres, whom I had knocked from his horse, and was about
to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was par
ried by my sabretasche, a herculean grasp was at the next
instant at my throat I was on the ground my prisoner
had escaped, and a gigantic warrior in the uniform of a
colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring over me with
pointed sword.
" Rends-toi, coquinf" said he.
" Allez au Diable ! " says I, " a Fogarty never surren
ders."
I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old
house in Killaloo I felt the tip of his blade between my
teeth I breathed a prayer and shut my eyes when the
tables were turned the butt-end of Lanty Clancy s musket
knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held it.
" Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish," said the French officer,
with a curse in the purest Irish. It was lucky that I
stopped laughing time enough to bid Lanty hold his hand,
for the honest fellow would else have brained my gallant
adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as
what gallant hearts are not?
The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true
soldiers we sate down to make the most of our time. The
rogue of a Doctor took the liver-wing for his share we
gave the other to our guest, a prisoner; those scoundrels
Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs and, faith,
poor I was put off with the Pope s nose, and a bit of the
back.
"How d ye like his Holiness s fayture?" said Jerry
Blake.
"Anyhow you ll have a merry thought," cried the incor
rigible Doctor, and all the party shrieked at the witticism.
" De mortuis nil nisi bonum," said Jack, holding up the
drumstick clean.
"Faith, there s not enough of it to make us chicken-
hearted, anyhow," said I; "come, boys, let s have a
song."
56 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
"Here goes," said Tom Delaney, and sang the following
lyric, of his own composition :-
" Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill,
And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the Hill,
Was once Tommy Tosspot s, as jovial a sot,
As e er drew a spiggot, or drained a full pot
In drinking all round twas his joy to surpass,
And with all merry tipplers he drank off his glass.
" One morning in summer, while seated so snug,
In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug,
Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear,
And said, Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;
We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can,
From which let us drink to the health of my Nan."
"Psha! " said the Doctor, "I ve heard that song before;
here s a new one for you, boys ! and Sawbones began, in
a rich Corkagian voice :
"You ve all heard of Larry O Toole,
Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole ;
He had but one eye,
To ogle ye by
O, murther, but that was a jew l!
A fool
He made of de girls, dis O Toole.
Twas he was the boy didn t fail,
That tuck down pataties and mail ;
He never would shrink,
From any sthrong dthrink,
Was it whisky or Drogheda ale ;
I m bail,
This Larry would swallow a pail.
O, many a night, at the bowl,
With Larry I ve sot cheek by jowl;
He s gone to his rest,
Where there s dthrink of the best,
And so let us give his old sowl
A howl,
For twas he made the noggin to rowl. "
I observed the French Colonel s eye glisten as he heard
these well-known accents of his country; but we were too
well-bred to pretend to remark his emotion.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 57
The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs
were finished, and each began to look out with some anxiety
for the preconcerted signal, the rocket from Sir Hussey
Vivian s quarters, which was to announce the recommence
ment of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her
silver splendour, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to
earth at the feet of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole,
who were at their posts at the head of the storming parties,
nine hundred and ninety-nine guns in position opened their
fire from our batteries, which were answered by a tremen
dous cannonade from the fort.
"Who s going to dance?" said the Doctor, "the ball s
begun. Ha! there goes poor Jack Delamere s head off!
The ball chose a soft one, anyhow. Come here, Tim, till
I mend your leg. Your wife need only knit half as many
stockings next year, Doolan, my boy. Faix ! there goes a
big one had well-nigh stopped my talking ; bedad ! it has
snuffed the feather off my cocked hat!
In this way, with eighty-four pounders roaring over us
like hail, the undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes
and his duty. That he had a feeling heart, all who served
with him knew, and none more so than Philip Fogarty, the
humble writer of this tale of war.
Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detach
ment of the gallant Onety-oneth under my orders suffered
comparatively little. "Be cool, boys," I said; "it will be
hot enough work for you ere long." The honest fellows
answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our
prisoner.
"Countryman," said I, "I know you; but an Irishman
was never a traitor."
" Taisez-vous ! " said he, putting his finger to his lip.
" C est la fortune de la guerre : if ever you come to Paris,
ask for the Marquis D O Mahony, and I may render you
the hospitality which your tyrannous laws prevent me
from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race."
I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimnied his
eye. It was, then, the celebrated Colonel of the Irish
58 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
Brigade, created a Marquis by Napoleon on the field of
Austerlitz !
"Marquis," said I, "the country which disowns you is
proud of you ; but ha ! here, if I mistake not, comes our
signal to advance." And in fact Captain Vandeleur, rid
ing up through the shower of shot, asked for the com
mander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in
readiness to move as soon as the flank companies of the
Ninety-ninth, and Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade
of the German Legion began to advance up the echelon.
The devoted band soon arrived : Jack Bowser heading the
Ninety -ninth, (when was he away and a storming party to
the fore?), and the gallant Potztausend with his Hanoverian
veterans.
The second rocket flew up.
"Forward, Onety-oneth," cried I, in a voice of thunder.
"Killaloo boys, follow your Captain! 7 and with a shrill
hurray, that sounded above the tremendous fire from the
fort, we sprung up the steep; Bowser, with the brave
Ninety- ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up
with us. We passed the demilune, we cleared the culverin,
bayoneting the artillerymen at their guns; we advanced
across the two tremendous demilunes which flank the coun
terscarp, and prepared for the final spring upon the citadel.
Soult I could see quite pale on the wall ; and the scoundrel
Cambaceres, who had been so nearly my prisoner that day,
trembled as he cheered his men. " On boys, on ! " I
hoarsely exclaimed. "Hurroo," said the fighting Onety-
oneth.
But there was a movement among the enemy. An offi
cer, glittering with orders, and another in a grey coat and
a cocked hat, came to the wall, and I recognised the Em
peror Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat.
c We are hardly pressed, niethinks," Napoleon said
sternly. " I must exercise my old trade as an artillery
man;* and Murat loaded, and the Emperor pointed the
only hundred-and-twenty-four pounder that had not been
silenced by our fire.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 59
" Hurray, Killaloo boys ! " shouted I. The next moment
a sensation of numbness and death seized me, and I lay like
a corpse upon the rampart.
" Hush ! " said a voice, which I recognised to be that of
the Marquis D O Mahony. "Heaven be praised, reason
has returned to you. For six weeks those are the only
sane words I have heard from you."
" Faix, and tis thrue for you, Colonel dear," cried another
voice, with which I was even more familiar ; twas that of
my honest and gallant Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering
at my bedside, overjoyed at his master s recovery.
" O rnusha ! Masther Phil. Agrah ! but this will be the
great day intirely, when I send off the news, which I
would, barrin I can t write, to the lady, your mother, and
your sisters, at Castle Fogarty; and tis his Kiv rence
Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the
letthur ! Six weeks ravin and roarin as bould as a lion,
and as mad as Mick Malony s pig, that mistuck Mick s
wig for a cabbage, and died of atin it ! ?
"And have I then lost my senses? " I exclaimed feebly.
"Sure, didn t ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna
only yesterday, and catch hould of me whiskers as if they
were the Signora s jet black ringlets? " Lanty cried.
At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful
young creature I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair
at the foot of the bed, and sailed out of the room.
"Confusion! you blundering rogue," I cried, "who is
that lovely lady whom you frightened away by your im
pertinence? Donna Anna? Whereanr-I?
"You are in good hands, Philip," said the Colonel, "you
are at my house in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which
I am the Military Governor. You and Lanty were knocked
down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do not
be ashamed : twas the Emperor pointed the gun ; 5; and
the Colonel took off his hat as he mentioned the name dar
ling to France. " When our troops returned from the sally
in which your gallant storming-party was driven back, you
60 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the
city. Your reason had left you, however, when you re
turned to life ; but, unwilling to desert the son of my old
friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved my life in 98, I brought
you in my carriage to Paris."
"And many s the time you tried to jump out of the
windy, Masther Phil," said Clancy.
"Brought you to Paris," resumed the Colonel smiling,
"where, by the soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol,
and Baron Larrey, you have been restored to health, thank
Heaven !
"And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?" I
cried.
" That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my
ward, a descendant of the gallant Lucan, and who may be,
when she chooses, Madame la Marechale de Cambaceres,
Duchess of Illyria."
"Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my
grasp? " I cried.
" Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine? " the Colo
nel replied. " C est la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon ;
but calm yourself, and take this potion which Blanche has
prepared for you."
I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands
had compounded it, and its effects were speedily beneficial
to me, for I sank into a cool and refreshing slumber.
From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the
elasticity of youth s happy time. Blanche the enchant
ing Blanche ministered henceforth to me, for I would
take no medicine but from her lily hand. And what were
the effects? Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was
over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for
Baron Larrey, and Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent
to the right-about. In a short time I was in a situation to
do justice to the gigot aux navets, the bceuf aux cornichons,
and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis s board,
with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen
who frequented it.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 61
"Wait till he s quite well, Miss," said Larry, who
waited always behind me. "Faith! when he s in health,
I d back him to ate a cow, barrin the horns and teel." I
sent a decanter at the rogue s head, by way of answer to
his impertinence.
Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have
my parole withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent
to the English depot of prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis s
interest with the Emperor prevailed, and I was allowed to
remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners at the Colonel s
hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity
(an opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fel
low with the accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of
mixing with the elite of French society, and meeting with
many of the great, the beautiful, and the brave. Talley
rand was a frequent guest of the Marquis s. His bon-mots
used to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his
chop with us ; Murat, when in town, constantly dropt in
for a cup of tea and friendly round game. Alas! who
would have thought those two gallant heads would be
so soon laid low ! My wife has a pair of earrings which
the latter, who always wore them, presented to her but
we are advancing matters. Anybody could see, " avec un
demi-ceil as the Prince of Benevento remarked, how
affairs went between me and Blanche; but though she
loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his
person, the brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs
upon her.
I recollect it was on St. Patrick s Day. My lovely
friend had procured, from the gardens of the Empress
Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved a thousand times
more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired woman,
between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of
shamrock, to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris
were invited to the national festival.
I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with
Pauline Bonaparte and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult
went down a couple of sets with Madame Kecamier ; and
62 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
.Robespierre s widow an excellent gentle creature, quite
unlike her husband stood up with the Austrian Ambassa
dor. Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and
Nicholas Poussin, and Canova, who was in town making a
statue of the Emperor, for Leo X., and in a word all the
celebrities of Paris as my gifted countrywoman, the Wild
Irish Girl, calls them were assembled in the Marquis s
elegant receiving-rooms.
At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlan-
daise ! La Gigue Irlandaise ! a dance which had made a
fureur amongst the Parisians ever since the lovely Blanche
Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward and took
me for a partner, and amidst the bravos of the crowd, in
which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram,
and the Austrian Ambassador, we showed to the beau
monde of the French capital, I flatter myself, a not unfa
vourable specimen of the dance of our country.
As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling
it in the " rail " style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling,
and said, "Be on your guard; I see Carnbaceres talking to
Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about us and when Otranto
turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good."
"Carnbaceres is jealous," said I. "I have it," says she;
"I ll make him dance a turn with me." So presently, as
the music was going like mad all this time, I pretended
fatigue from, my late wounds, and sate down. The lovely
Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Carnbaceres as
a second partner.
The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts
to give himself a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon
him was speedily visible. He puffed and snorted like a
walrus, drops trickled down his purple face, while my
lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble
quick, till she fairly danced him down.
"Who ll take the flure with me? "said the charming
girl, animated by the sport.
"Faix, den, tis I, Lanty Clancy! " cried my rascal, who
had been mad with excitement at the scene ; and, stepping
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 63
in with a whoop and a hurroo, he began to dance with such
a rapidity, as made all present stare.
As the couple were footing it, there was the noise as of
a cavalcade rapidly traversing the Place Vendome, and
stopping at the Marquis s door. A crowd appeared to
mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room
were flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties
the Emperor and the Empress. So engaged were Lanty
and Blanche, that they never heard the tumult occasioned
by the august approach.
It was indeed the Emperor, who returning from the
Theatre Frangais, and seeing the Marquis s windows lighted
up, proposed to the Empress to drop in on the party. He
made signs to the musicians to continue ; and the conqueror
of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the sim
ple evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Em
press smiled ; and, seeing this, all the courtiers, including
Naples and Talleyrand, were delighted.
" Is not this a great day for Ireland? " said the Marquis,
with a tear trickling down his noble face. "0 Ireland!
O my country ! But no more of that. Go up, Phil, you
divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch or negus."
Among the young fellows with whom I was most inti
mate in Paris, was Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill-
used and unhappy Josephine by her former marriage with
a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack of
the old blood in him, Eugene s manners were much more
refined than those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the
Emperor s Court; where (for my knife and fork was regu
larly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my poor friend
Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the
gaHant Massena devour peas by means of his knife, in a
way more innocent than graceful. Talleyrand, Eugene,
and I, used often to laugh at these eccentricities of our
brave friends, who certainly did not shine in the drawing-
room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle.
64 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and
was full of kindness and attention. " I like Eugene " (he
would say to me, pinching my ear confidentially, as his
way was,) "I like Eugene to keep company with such
young fellows as you ; you have manners ; you have prin
ciples ; my rogues from the camp have none. And I like
you, Philip my boy," he added, "for being so attentive to
my poor wife the Empress Josephine, I mean." All
these honours made my friends at the Marquis s very
proud, and my enemies at Court crever with envy. Among
these, the atrocious Cainbaceres was not the least active
and envenomed.
The cause of the many attentions which were paid to
me, and which, like a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to
attribute to my own personal amiability, soon was appar
ent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from
my conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the
war, the Emperor was most anxious to attach me to his
service. The Grand Cross of St. Louis, the title of Count,
the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the 14rne
Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered
to me ; and, must I say it ! Blanche, the lovely, the per
fidious Blanche, was one of the agents employed to tempt
me to commit this act of treason.
" Object to enter a foreign service ! " she said, in reply to
my refusal. " It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign ser
vice. The Irish nation is in exile, and in the territories of
its French allies. Irish traitors are not here; they march
alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom the great
Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but
for the fatal valour of Irish mercenaries! Accept this
offer, and my heart, my hand, my all are yours. Refuse
it, Philip, and we part."
"To wed the abominable Cainbaceres! I cried, stung
with rage. " To wear a duchess s coronet, Blanche ! Ha,
ha! Mushrooms, instead of strawberry-leaves, should
decorate the brows of the upstart French nobility. I shall
withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison to
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 65
be exchanged to die anything rather than be a traitor,
and the tool of a traitress ! Taking up my hat, I left the
room in a fury; and flinging open the door, tumbled over
Cambaceres, who was listening at the keyhole, and must
have overheard every word of our conversation.
We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking
with laughter at our mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only
made me more mad ; and, having spurs on, I began digging
them into Cambaceres fat sides as we rolled on the carpet,
until the Marshal howled with rage and anger.
" This insult must be avenged with blood ! " roared the
Duke of Illyria.
"I have already drawn it," says I, "with my spurs."
" Malheur et malediction ! " roared the Marshal.
"Hadn t you better settle your wig? ; says I, offering
it to him on the tip of my cane, "and we ll arrange time
and place when you have put your jasey in order." I
shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast at
me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his
mistress.
"Lady Blanche," I continued bitterly, "as you look to
share the Duke s coronet, hadn t you better see to his
wig? 3 and so saying I cocked my hat, and walked out of
the Marquis s place, whistling "Garryowen."
I knew my man would not be long in following me, and
waited for him in the Place Vendome, where I luckily met
Eugene too, who was looking at the picture-shop in the
corner. I explained to him my affair in a twinkling. He
at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended
me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had
been made to me. "I knew it would be so," he said
kindly; "I told my father you wouldn t. A man with
the blood of the Fogarties, Phil, my boy, doesn t wheel
about like these fellows of yesterday." So, when Cam
baceres came out, which he did presently, with a more
furious air than before, I handed him at once over to
Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and an early
hour for the meeting to take place.
66 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
"Can you make it before eleven, Phil? " said Beauhar-
nais. "The Emperor reviews the troops in the Bois de
Boulogne at that hour, and we might fight there handy be
fore the review."
" Done ! " said I. " I want, of all things, to see the newly
arrived Saxon cavalry manoeuvre ; ?: on which Cambaceres
giving me a look, as much as to say, " See sights! Watch
cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and take measure
for a coffin, my boy ! walked away, naming our mutual
acquaintance, Marshal 3STey, to Eugene, as his second in the
business.
I had purchased from Murat a very tine Irish horse,
Bugaboo out of Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into
the French ranks at Salamanca, with poor Jack Clonakilty,
of the 13th, dead on the top of him. Bugaboo was much
too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though a
showy horseman, was a bad rider across country ; and I
got the horse for a song. A wickeder and uglier brute
never wore pig-skin j and I never put my leg over such a
timber- jumper in my life. I rode the horse down to the
Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cain-
bace res was to come off, and Lanty held him as I went in
" sure to win," as they say in the ring.
Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French
army ; but I, who am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought
a man was bigger, and that I could wing him if I had a
mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both fired ; I
felt a whizz past my left ear, and putting up my hand
there, found a large piece of my whiskers gone ; whereas
at the same moment, and shrieking a horrible malediction,
my adversary reeled and fell.
" Man Dieu, il est mart! " cried Ney.
"Pas du tout" said Beauharnais. " Ecoute ; il jure
toujours."
And such, indeed, was the fact : the supposed dead man
lay on the ground cursing most frightfully. We went up
to him: he was blind with the loss of blood, and my
ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He recov-
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 67
ered; but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto
in the French army, afterwards. The surgeon in attend
ance having taken charge of this unfortunate warrior, we
rode off to the review, where Ney and Eugene were on
duty at the head of their respective divisions ; and where,
by the way, Canibaceres, as the French say, " se faisait
desirer. "
It was arranged that Cambace res division of six bat
talions and nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a
ricochet movement, supported by artillery in the intervals,
and converging by different epaulements on the light infan
try, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line. It was
by this famous manosuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte,
at Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff,
Prince Charles, and General Castanos were defeated with
such victorious slaughter : but it is a movement which, I
need not tell every military man, requires the greatest
delicacy of execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army
into confusion.
" Where is the Duke of Illyria? " Napoleon asked. "At
the head of his division, no doubt," said Murat: at which
Eugene, giving me an arch look, put his hand to his nose,
and caused me almost to fall off my horse with laughter.
Napoleon looked sternly at me ; but at this moment the
troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began,
and His Majesty s attention was taken off from my impu
dence.
Milhaud s Dragoons, their bauds playing Vive Henri
Quatre, their cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved
upon their own centre from the left flank in the most bril
liant order, while the Carabineers of Foy, and the Grena
diers of the Guard under Drouet d Erlon executed a caram-
bolade on the right, with the precision which became those
veteran troops; but the Chasseurs of the young guard,
marching by twos instead of threes, bore consequently upon
the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and ill-affected
body), and these, falling back in disorder, became entan
gled with the artillery and the left centre of the line, and
68 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
in one instant thirty thousand men were in inextricable
confusion.
" Clubbed, by Jabers ! " roared out Lanty Clancy. " I
wish we could show ? em the Fighting Onety-Oneth, Cap
tain, darling."
" Silence, fellow ! " I exclaimed. I never saw the face
of a man express passion so vividly as now did the livid
countenance of Napoleon. He tore off General Milhaud s
epaulettes, which he flung into Foy s face. He glared
about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for
the Duke of Illyria. "He is wounded, Sire," said General
Foy, wiping a tear from his eye, which was blackened by
the force of the blow ; " he was wounded an hour since in
a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de
Fogarty."
" Wounded ! a Marshal of France wounded ! Where is
the Englishman? Bring him out, and let a file of grena
diers "
" Sire ! " interposed Eugene.
" Let him be shot ! " shrieked the Emperor, shaking his
spyglass at me with the fury of a fiend.
This was too much. " Here goes ! " said I, and rode slap
at him.
There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the
French army, and I should think at least forty thousand
guns were levelled at me in an instant. But as the muskets
were not loaded, and the cannon had only wadding in
them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty
from this discharge.
Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor s head,
and Bugaboo went at it like a shot. He was riding his
famous white Arab, and turned quite pale as I came up
and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely brush
ing the cockade which he wore.
" Bravo ! said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the
leap.
" Cut him down ! " said Sieves, once an Abbe, but now a
gigantic Cuirassier ; and he made a pass at me with his
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 69
sword. But he little knew an Irishman on an Irish horse.
Bugaboo cleared Sieyes and fetched the monster a slap
with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his
saddle and away I went, with an army of a hundred-and-
seyenty-three thousand eight hundred men at my heels,
70 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
CRINOLINE.
BY JE MES PL SH, ESQ.
I M not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes
of the igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those
unlightnd paytrons of letarature and true connyshures of
merrit the great Brittish public But I pledgj my varacity
that this singular story of rewmantic love, absobbing pashn,
and likewise of genteel life, is, in the main fax, trew. The
suckmstanzas I elude to, occur d in the rain of our presnt
Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince
Halbert.
Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18 (mor I dar
not rewheel) there arrived in this metropulus, per seknd
class of the London and Dover Railway, an ellygant young
foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate Munseer
Jools de Chacabac.
Having read through the " Vicker of Wackfield " in the
same oridganal English tung, in which this very harticle I
write is wrote too, and halways been remarkyble, both at
collidge and in the estamminy, for his aytred and orror of
perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by the
prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris,
the very man to come to this country, igsarnin its manners
and customs, cast an i upon the politticle and finanshle stat
of the Hempire, and igspose the mackynations of the infy-
mus Palnierston, and the ebomminable Sir Pill both ene
mies of France, as is every other Britten of that great,
gloarus, libberal, and peasable country. In one word,
Jools de Chacabac was a penny-a-liner.
"I will go and see with my own Fs," he said, "that
infimus hiland of which the innabitants are shopkeepers,
gorged with roast beef and treason. I will go and see the
murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the Chynese, the
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 71
villains who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany,
the artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with their
cotton, and can t sleep or restheasy for henvy and hatred of
the great inwinsable French nation. I will igsammin, face
to face, these hotty insularies ; I will pennytrate into the
secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard Palmer-
ston in his denn." When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton
(after haying been tremenguously sick in the four-cabbing),
he exclaimed, " Enfin je te tiens, He maudite ! je te crache a
la figure, veille Angleterre ! Je tefoule a mes pieds au nom
du monde outrage," and so proseaded to inwade the me-
tropulus.
As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and
git the best of infamation about this country, Munseer Jools
of coarse went and lodgd in Lester Square Lester Squarr,
as he calls it which, as he was infomrned in the printed
suckular presented to him by a very greasy but polite com-
ishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the
town, contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple
Theayters, the Parx, St. Jams Pallice and the Corts of
Lor. " I can surwhey them all at one cut of the eye,"
Jools thought ; " the Sovring, the inf amus Ministers plot
ting the destruction of my immortial country ; the business
and pleasure of these pusproud Londoners and aristoxy ; I
can look round and see all." So he took a three-pair back
in a French hotel, the Hotel de 1 Ail, kep by Monsieur
Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr, London.
In this Otell there s a billiard-room on the first floor, and
a tabbledoat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o clock; and the
landlord, who kem into Jools s room smoakin a segar, told
the young gent that the house was friquented by all the
British nobillaty, who reglar took their dinners there.
"They can t ebide their own quise&n^ he said. " You ll
see what a dinner we ll serve you to-day." Jools wrote off
to his paper
"The members of the haughty and luxurious English
aristocracy, like all the rest of the world, are obliged to fly
to France for the indulgence of their luxuries. The nobles
4 Vol. 19
72 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
of England, quitting their homes, their wives, miladies
and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally at the
tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel
and Palmerston. Ifremis to think that I may meet them
at the board to day."
Singular to say, Peel and Palmerston didn t dine at the
Hotel de PAil on that evening, "It s quite igstronnary
they don t come/ 7 said Munseer de PAil.
"Peraps they re ingaged at some boxing match, or some
combaw de cock," Munseer Jools sejestedj and the landlord
egreed that was very likely.
Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring
sociaty, of every nation under the sun. Most of the noble
men were great hamatures of hale and porter. The table
cloth was marked over with brown suckles, made by the
pewter pots on that and the privious days.
" It is the usage here," wrote Jools to his newspaper,
"among the Anglais of the fashonne to absorb immense
quantities of ale and porter during their meals. These
stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors are
served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafa-
naf (so a certain sort of beer is called) was placed by the
side of most of the convives. I was disappointed of seeing
Sir Peel : he was engaged to a combat of cocks which oc
curs at Windsor."
Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner,
excep when the gentlemen said "Garsong de V afanaf,"
but Jools was very much pleased to meet the eleet of the
foringers in town, and ask their opinions about the reel
state of thinx. Was it likely that the Bishops were to be
turned out of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true
that Lor Palmerston had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the
House of Lords, until they were sepparayted by the Lor
Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn t he Premier
Minister? and wasn t the Archeve que de Canterbury a
Quaker? He got answers to these questions from the va
rious gents round about during the dinner which, he re
marked, was very much like a French dinner, only dirtier.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 73
And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his news
paper.
"The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier
Ministre. His Grace has his dwelling in the City. The
Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker, as some
people stated. Quakers may not marry nor sit in the
Chamber of Peers. The minor Bishops have seats in the
House of Commons, where they are attacked by the bitter
pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is in the House ;
he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who con
ferred upon him the seat," etc. etc.
His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at
pool with two Poles, a Bulgian, and 2 of his own country
men. This being done amidst more hafanaf, without which
nothink is done in England, and as there was no French
play that night, he and the two French gents walked round
and round Lester Squar smoking segaws in the faces of
other French gents who were smoaking 2. And they
talked about the granjer of France and the perfidgusness
of England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Ma
dame Wharton as Haryadne, till bed-time. But befor he
slep, he finished his letter you may be sure, and called it
his "Fust Imprestiuns of Anglyterre."
"Mind and wake me early," he said to Boots, the ony
British subject in the Hotel de 1 Ail, and who therefore
didn t understand him. " I wish to be at Smithfield at 6
hours to see the men sell their wives."
And the young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a
one he d buy.
This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infama
tion about Hengland and the Henglish walking round,
and round Lester Squarr all day, and every day with the
same company, occasionally dewussified by an Oprer Chorus-
singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quad-
drant admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools
was not over well funnisht with pocket-money, and so his
pleasure was of the gratis sort cheafly.
Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
among the aristoxy, under the Quadrant they were struck
all of a heap by seeing But, stop, who was Jools s
friend ? But the Istory of Jools s friend must be kep for
another innings.
Not fur from that knowble and cheerfle Squear which
Munseer Jools de Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in
London not fur, I say, from Lester Squarr, is a rainje of
bildings called Pipping s Bow, leading to Blue Lion Court,
leading to St. Martin s Lane. You know Pipping s Build
ings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where
Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver
a-cuttin the varous jints), and by the little fishmungur s,
where you remark the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown pickle-
sammon, the playbills, and the gingybear bottles in the
window above all, by the Constantinople Divan, kep by
the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of "a
prime sigaw and an exlent cup of red Moky Coffy for 6d."
The Constantinople Divan is .greatly used by the foring
gents of Lester Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass
down Pippin g s Buildings without seeing a haf-a-duzen of
em 011 the threshole of the extablishment, giving the street
an opportunity of testing the odar of the Misses Mordeky s
prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable inside,
settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav-
rit whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly,
or the flagrant and arheumatic Qby.
" These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly
resott of the young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young
Pier, after an arjus day at the House of Commons, solazes
himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the national beve-
ridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the day,
or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor."
So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the
Horriflam ; and of this back-parlor and baggytell bord, of
this counter, of this Constantinople Divan, he became al
most as reglar a frequenter as the plaster of Parish Turk
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 75
who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue coffee
cups in the winder.
I have of tin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner
of the Diwann, listened to Jools and his friends inwaying
aginst Hingland, and boastin of their own immortial coun
try. How they did go on about Wellintun, and what an
arty contarnp they ad for him ! how they used to prove
that France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample
and Hadmiration of the whole world. And though I
scarcely take a French paper nowadays (I lived in early
days as groom in a French famly three years, and there
fore knows the languidg), though, I say, you can t take up
Jools s paper, the Orriftam, without readin that a minister
has committed bribery and perjury, or that a littery man
has committed perjury and murder, or that a Duke has
stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some story equally hor-
rable; yet for all that it s admiral to see how the French
gents will swagger, how they will be the scentersof civili
sation how they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and
nothink shall prevent em knowing they will have it, I
say I listen, smokin my pip in silence. But to our tail.
Beglar every evening there came to the Constantanople a
young gent etired in the igth of fashn ; and indeed present
ing by the cleanlyness of his appearants and linning (which
was generally a pink or blew shurt, with a cricketer or a
dansuse pattern) rayther a contrast to the dinjy and wist-
kcard sosiaty of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young
mann had none beyond a little yallow tought to his chin,
which you woodn notas, only he was always pulling at it.
His statue was diminnative, but his coschume supubb, for
he had the tippiest Jane boots, the ivoryheadest canes, the
most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most Scotch-
plaidest trowseys, of any customer of that establishment.
He was univusaly called Milord.
1 Qui est cejeune seigneur ? Who is this young hurl, who
comes knightly to the Constantanople, who is so proddigl
of his gold, (for indeed the young gent would frequinly
propoase gininwater to the company), and who drinks so
76 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
much, gin? asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the
Hotel de 1 Ail.
"His name is Lord Yardhain," answered that friend.
"He never conies here but at night and why?
" Y? igsclaimed Jools, istonisht.
" Why? because he is engaygd all day and do you
know where he is engaygd all day?
" Where? asked Jools.
"At the Foring Office now do you beginn to under
stand? 1 -Jools trembled.
"He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office. Who
is the head of that offis? Palmerston."
" The nephew of Palrnerston ! said Jools, almost in a
fit.
"Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French," the other
went on. " He pretends he can only say wee and commong
porty voo. Shallow humbug! I have marked him during
our conversations. When we have spoken of the glory of
France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and
his perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have dis
cussed before him, the Imprudents ! the affairs of Europe,
and Kaggybritchovich has shown us the next Circassian
Campaign, or Sapousne has laid bare the plan of the Cala-
brian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this
stranger this Lor Yardham. He smokes, tis to conceal
his countenance ; he drinks gin, tis to hide his face in the
goblet. And be sure, he carries every word of our conver
sation to the perfidious Palmerston, his uncle."
"I will beard him in his den," thought Jools. "I will
meet him corps-a-corps the tyrant of Europe shall suffer
through his nephew, and I will shoot him as dead as Dujar-
rier."
When Lor Yardham came to the Constantinople that
night, Jools i d him savidgely f rom edd to foot, while Lord
Yardham replied the same. It wasn t much for either to
do neyther being more than 4 foot ten hi Jools was a
grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was
as brayv as a lion.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 77
" Ah, V Angleterre, V Angleterre, tu nous dais une revanche,"
said Jooles, crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at
Lord Yardham.
"Wee," said Lord Yardham; "wee."
" Delenda est Carthago f howled out Jools.
" 0, wee," said the Eii of Yardham, and at the same rno-
mint his glas of ginawater coming in, he took a drink, say
ing, " A voter santy, Munseer " : and then he offered it like
a man of fashn to Jools.
A light broak on Jools s mind as he igsepted the re-
freshmint. "Sapoase,"he said, "instead of slaughtering
this nephew of the infamous Palrnerston, I extract his
secrets from him-, suppose I pump him suppose I unveil
his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may
hear the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honour
may glitter on my bosom."
So, axepting Lord Yardham 7 s cortasy, he returned it by
ordering another glass of gin at his own expense, and they
both drank it on the counter, where Jools talked of the
affaers of Europ all night. To everything he said, the Earl
of Yardham answered " Wee, wee ; : except at the end of
the evening, when he squeeged his & and said "Bong
swore.
"There s nothing like goin amongst 7 em to equire the
reel pronounciation," his Lordship said, as he let himself
into his lodgings with his latch-key. " That was a very
eloquent young gent at the Constantinople, and I ll patro
nise him."
"Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai f " Jools remarked to
himself as he went to bed in his Hotel de 1 Ail. And they
met the next night, and from that heavning the young men
were continyonally together.
Well, one day as they were walking in the Quadrant,
Jools talking, and Lord Yardham saying "Wee, wee,"
they were struck all of a heap by seeing But my
paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in
the nex number.
78 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
CHAPTER III.
THE CASTLE OF THE ISLAND OF FOGO.
THE travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the
fair rellum of Franse, (as a great romantic landskippist and
neamsack of mind would say) never chaumed his i s with a
site more lovely, or vu ? d a pallis more magniffiznt than
that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew
Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes
the selvery Garonne wines, like like a benevvolent sar-
pent. In its plasid busum antient cassles, picturask wil-
lidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple hills,
crownd with in teak ruings; rivvilets babbling through
gentle greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hover-
anging vines, and from which the appy and peaseful oku-
pier can cast his glans over goolden waving cornfealds, and
M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are graysinn ;
while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away
the leisure mominx on his loot these hoffer but a phaint
pictur of the rurial felissaty in the midst of widge Crino
line and Hesteria de Viddlers were bawn.
Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the
Legend of Honor and of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden
Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and Castle, and of the
Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chambeiieng of the
Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c., &c.,
&c., is the twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the
Tittle ; is disended lenyally from King Pipping, and has
almost as antient a paddygree as any which the Ollywell
Street frends of the Member of Buckinunisheer can supply.
His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St.
Cornichon, quitted this mortial spear very soon after she
had presented her Lord with the two little dawling Cherry-
bins above dixcribed, in whornb, after the loss of that angle
his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on huth.
In all his emusements they ecarnpanied him ; their edjaca-
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 79
tion was Ms sole bisniss ; he ateheaved it with the assist
ance of the ugliest and most lernid masters, and the most
hidjus and egsirnplary governices which money could pro
cure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these
Budds, which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined
in blooming flagrance round his pirentile Busm !
The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the
Marcus and his lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their
naybrood but was edawned by their elygint benifisms, and
where the inhabitnts weren t rendered appy. It was a
pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk were
wertuous and tockative, ad red stockins, and i-eeled drab
shoes, and beautiful snowy air. All the old women had
peaked ats, and crookid cains, and chince gowns tucked
into the pockits of their quiltid petticoats; they sat in
pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the lads and
lassis of the villidges danst under the heliums. O, tis a
noble sight to whitniss that of an appy pheasantry ! Not
one of those rustic wassals of the Ouse of Widdlers, but
ad his hair curled and his shirt sleaves tied up with pink
ribbing as he led to the macy dance some appy country gal,
with a black velvit boddice, and a redd or yaller petticoat,
a hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her
air!
When the Marcus and ther young ladies came to the vil
lidge it would have done the i s of the flanthropist good to
see how all reseaved em! The little children scattered
calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired old men with
red faces and rinkles took off their brown-paper ats to
slewt the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a
woodn bank painted to look like a bower of roses, and
when they were sett down danst bally s before them. O
twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, srnilin ellygint
with fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young
Marchynisses with their ploornes, and trains, and little
coronicks !
They lived in a tremenjus splendor at home in their
pyturnle alls, and had no end of pallises, willers, and towa
80 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
and country resadences, but their fayvorit resadence was
called the Castle of the Island of Togo.
Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlinsgby himself,
I coodnt dixcribe the gawjusness of their aboad. They add
twenty-four footmen in livery, besides a boy in codroys
for the knives and shoes. They had nine meels aday
Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young
ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry-
cobblers, lobster-salids, or maids of honour, they had but
to ring the bell and call for what they chose. They had
two new dresses every day one to ride out in the open
carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of the Castle
of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night
like Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there
ready to dance with them, and festif suppers concluded
the jawyus night.
Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Misfortune
bust upon this appy fammaly. Etached to his Princes
and abommanating the ojous Lewyphlip, the Marcus was
conspiring for the benefick of the helder branch of the
Borebones and what was the consquince? One night a
neat presented itself round the Castle of the Island of
Fogo and skewering only a couple of chests of jewils, the
Marcus and the two young ladies in disgyise, fled from that
island of bliss. And whither fled they? To England!
England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world,
where the pore slave never setts his foot, but he is free !
Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends
of ours by the Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daugh
ters, walking with their page from Ungerford Market
(where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps for the
umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his
equaintnce, Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired.
But how had those two young Erows become equainted
with the noble Marcus? That is a mistry we must elucy-
date in a futur vollam.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 81
THE STARS AND STRIPES.
BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE LAST OF THE MULLIGANS,"
"PILOT," ETC.
THE King of France was walking on the terrace of Ver
sailles; the fairest, not only of Queens, but of women,
hung fondly on the Royal arm ; while the children of
France were indulging in their infantile hilarity in the
alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which
Niblo s garden has been copied, in our own Empire city of
New York), and playing at leap-frog with their uncle,
the Count of Provence ; gaudy courtiers, emblazoned with
orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous
talk in the ears of high-bred beauty.
"Marie, my beloved," said the ruler of France, taking
out his watch, " tis time that the Minister of America
should be here."
"Your Majesty should know the time," replied Marie
Antoinette, archly, and in an Austrian accent; "is not my
Royal Louis the first watchmaker in his empire?
The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and
kissed with courtly grace the fair hand of her who had
made him. the compliment.
"My Lord Bishop of Autun," said he to Monsieur de
Talleyrand Perigord, who followed the royal pair, in his
quality of Arch-Chamberlain of the Empire, " I pray you
look through the gardens, and tell His Excellency Doctor
Franklin that the King waits." The Bishop ran off, with
more than youthful agility, to seek the United States Min
ister. "These Republicans," he added, confidentially, and
with something of a supercilious look, " are but rude cour
tiers, methinks."
"Nay," interposed the lovely Antoinette, "rude cour
tiers, Sire, they may be ; but the world boasts not of more
82 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
accomplished gentlemen. I have seen no grandee of Ver
sailles that has the noble bearing of this American Envoy
and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World,
with all the simple elegance of the "New. Though they
have perfect dignity of manner, they have an engaging
modesty which I have never seen equalled by the best of
the proud English nobles with whom they wage war, I
am told they speak their very language with a grace which
the haughty Islanders who oppress them never attained.
They are independent, yet never insolent; elegant, yet
always respectful; and brave, but not in the least boast
ful." r : .-\ -.-.;
"What! savages and all, Marie? exclaimed Louis,
laughing and chucking the lovely Queen playfully under
the Eoyal chin. " But here comes Doctor Franklin, and
your friend the Cacique with him." In fact, as the mon
arch spoke, the Minister of the United States made his ap
pearance, followed by a gigantic warrior in the garb of his
native woods.
Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign State
(yielding even then in dignity to none, as it surpasses all
now in dignity, in valour, in honesty, in strength, and
civilisation), the Doctor nodded to the Queen of France,
but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and
did not cease whittling the cane he carried in his hand.
" I was waiting for you, Sir," the king said peevishly, in
spite of the alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his
royal arm.
"The business of the Republic, Sire, must take prece
dence even of your Majesty s wishes," replied Dr. Frank
lin. "When I was a poor printer s boy, and ran errands,
no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben Franklin;
but all other things must yield to the service of the United
States of North America. I have done. What would
you, Sire? ; and the intrepid Eepublican eyed the monarch
with a serene and easy dignity which made the descendant
of St. Louis feel ill at ease.
" I wished to to say farewell to Tatua before his de-
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 83
parture," said Louis XVI., looking rather awkward. "Ap
proach, Tatua." And the gigantic Indian strode up, and
stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the French
nation ; again the feeble monarch quailed before the terri
ble simplicity of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval
forests.
The redoubted Chief of the Nose-ring Indians was deco
rated in his war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock s
feather, which had been given him out of the head-dress
of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe. His nose, from
which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe
took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of
green and orange was drawn round each eye, while serpen
tine stripes of black, white, and vermilion alternately were
smeared on his forehead, and descended over his cheek
bones to his chin. His manly chest was similarly tattooed
and painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung
innumerable bracelets and necklaces of human teeth, ex
tracted (one only from each skull) from the jaws of those
who had fallen by the terrible tomahawk at his girdle.
His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped on his
arm, and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed
with tufts of hair the black, the grey, the auburn, the
golden ringlet of beauty, the red lock from the forehead of
the Scottish or the Northern soldier, the snowy tress of
extreme old age, the flaxen down of infancy all were
there, dreadful reminiscences of the chief s triumphs in
war The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle, and faced
the King.
"And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe
in 57? said Louis, eyeing the warrior and his weapon.
" 7 Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I could mend it," he
added mentally.
"The Chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth,"
Tatua said " Tatua was a boy when he went first on the
war-path with Montcalin."
" And shot a Wolfe at the first fire ! " said the King.
" The English are braves, though their faces are white,"
84 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
replied the Indian. " Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the
English, but the other wolves caused the foxes to go to
earth." A smile played round Dr. Franklin s lips, as he
whittled his cane with more vigour than ever.
" I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service
elsewhere than at Quebec," the King said, appealing to
the American Envoy; "at Bunker s Hill, at Brandy wine,
at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave French
men are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but
that the war will finish quickly yes, yes, it will finish
quickly. They will teach you discipline, and the way to
conquer."
"King Louis of France," said the Envoy, clapping his
hat down over his head, and putting his arms akimbo, " we
have learned that from the British, to whom we are supe
rior in everything: and I d have your Majesty to know,
that in the art of whipping the world, we have no need of
any French lessons. If your reglars jines General Wash
ington, tis to larn from, him how Britishers are licked, for
I m blest if yu know the way yet."
Tatua said, " Ugh," and gave a rattle with the butt of
his carabine, which made the timid monarch start; the
eyes of the lovely Antoinette flashed fire, but it played
round the head of the dauntless American Envoy harmless
as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away.
The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross
of the Order of the Bath. "Your Excellency wears no
honour," the monarch said; "but Tatua, who is not a sub
ject, only an ally of the United States, may. Noble Tatua,
I appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the
Bath. Wear this cross upon your breast in memory of
Louis of France ; : and the King held out the decoration to
the Chief.
Up to that moment the Chief s countenance had been
impassible. No look either of admiration or dislike had
appeared upon that grim and war-painted visage. But
now, as Louis spoke, Tatua s face assumed a glance of in
effable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble.
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 85
" I will give it to one of iny squaws," he said. " The
papooses in my lodge will play with it. Come, Medicine,
Tatua will go and drink fire-water ; " and, shouldering his
carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony upon
the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of
the walks of the garden. Franklin found him when his
own interview with the French Chief Magistrate was over,
being attracted to the spot where the Chief was, by the
crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his
quiet way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards
through his cockade.
Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the Repu-
diator, was sailing out of Brest Harbour, the gigantic form
of an Indian might be seen standing on the binnacle in
conversation with Commodore Bowie, the commander of
the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings.
Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua
when he went to the Parisian metropolis on a visit to
the father of the French pale-faces. Neither the Legs nor
the Sailor cared for the gaiety and the crowd of cities;
the stout mariner s home was in the puttock-shrouds of the
old Repudiator. The stern and simple trapper loved the
sound of the waters better than the jargon of the French
of the old country. "I can follow the talk of a Pawnee,"
he said, "or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids me to
speak, by a Sioux s council-fire; and I can patter Canadian
French with the hunters who come for peltries to Nachi-
toches or Thichimuchimachy ; but from, the tongue of a
French- woman, with white flour on her head, and war
paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty Purnpo."
" Amen and amen ! " said Tom Coxswain. " There was
a woman in our aft-scuppers when I went a-whalin in the
little Grampus and Lord love you, Pumpo, you poor
land-swab, she was as pretty a craft as ever dowsed a tar-
pauling there was a woman on board the Grampus, who
before we d struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber,
86 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
set the whole crew in a mutiny. I mind me of her now,
Natty her eye was sich a piercer that you could see to
steer by it in a Newfoundland fog ; her nose stood out like
the Grampus s jib-booni, and her woice, Lord love you, her
woice sings in my ears even now: it set the Captain
a-quarrelin with the Mate, who was hanged in Boston har
bour for harpooninof his officer in Baffin s Bay; it set me
and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each other s old
timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women
that ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years pay
as I d stowed away for the old mother, and might have
cost me ever so much more, only bad luck to me, she went
and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and I ve hated
women and tailors ever since ! As he spoke, the hardy
tar dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek, and once
more betook himself to splice the taffrail.
* *
Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she
was not idle. The gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew
made repeated descents upon the enemy s seaboard. The
coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have still many
a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British
fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terri
ble Eepudiator. She was the first of the mighty American
war-ships that have taught the domineering Briton to re
spect the valour of the Republic .
The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt
the sterner tone of the historian, when describing deeds
connected with his country s triumphs. It is well known
that during the two months in which she lay off Havre,
the Repudiator had brought more prizes into that port than
had ever before been seen in the astonished French waters.
Her actions with the Dettingen and the Elector frigates
form part of our country s history; their defence it may
be said without prejudice to national vanity was worthy
of Britons and of the audacious foe they had to encounter ;
and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which
presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the
chance of the combat might have been in favour of the
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 87
British vessels. It was not until the Elector blew up, at a
quarter-past 3 P.M., by a lucky shot which fell into her
caboose, and communicated with the powder-magazine,
that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on board
the Dettingen, which he carried sword in hand. Even
when the American boarders had made their lodgment on
the Dettingen s binnacle, it is possible that the battle
would still have gone against us. The British were still
seven to one ; their carronades, loaded with marline-spikes,
swept the gun-deck, of which we had possession, and deci
mated our little force ; when a rifle-ball from the shrouds
of the Repudiator shot Captain Mumford under the star of
the Guelphic Order, which he wore, and the Americans,
with a shout, rushed up the companion to the quarter-deck,
upon the astonished foe. Pike and cutlass did the rest of
the bloody work. Eumford, the gigantic first lieutenant
of the Dettingen, was cut down by Commodore Bowie s
own sword, as they engaged hand to hand; and it was
Tom Coxswain who tore down the British flag, after having
slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be to the souls
of the brave ! The combat was honourable alike to the vic
tor and the vanquished ; and it never can be said that an
American warrior depreciated a gallant foe. The bitter
ness of defeat was enough to the haughty islanders who
had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining
the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel
must have been the pang to them when they saw the Stars
and Stripes rise over the old flag of the Union, and the
Dettingen fall down the river in tow of the republican
frigate.
Another action Bowie contemplated; the boldest and
most daring perhaps ever imagined by seaman. It is this
which has been so wrongly described by European annal
ists, and of which the British until now have maintained
the most jealous secrecy.
Portsmouth Harbour was badly defended. Our intelli
gence in that town and arsenal gave us precise knowledge
of the disposition of the troops, the forts, and the ships
88 NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS.
there ; and it was determined to strike a blow which should
shake the British power in its centre.
That a frigate of the size of the Repudiator should enter
the harbour unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed,
passed the notions of even American temerity. But upon
the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the Eepudiator sailed
out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover of which
she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle
of Wight. To surprise the Martello Tower and take the
feeble garrison thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain
and a few of his bluejackets. The surprised garrison laid
down their arms before him.
It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded
by Lieutenant Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with
muffled oars, and in another hour were off the Common
Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenge of the
Thetis and the Amphion frigates, and the Polyanthus brig.
There had been 011 that day great feasting and merriment
on board the Flag- ship lying in the harbour. A banquet
had been given in honour of the birthday of one of the
princes of the royal line of the Guelphs the reader knows
the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All
on board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The
Flag-ship was plunged in a death-like and drunken sleep.
The very officer of the watch was intoxicated ; he could
not see the Repudiator 1 s boats as they shot swiftly through
the waters ; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as
they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship.
At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel
of the Royal George the Briton who had guarded, a corpse
at his feet. The hatches were down. The ship was in
possession of the Repudiator s crew. They were busy in
her rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of the har
bour. The well-known heave of the men at the windlass,
woke up Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We know, or
rather do not know the result ; for who can tell by whom
the lower-deck ports of the brave ship were opened, and
how the haughty prisoners below sunk the ship and
NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS. 89
its conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the Ee-
public !
Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished.
His tale was told to his Captain and to Congress ; but
Washington forbade its publication; and it was but lately
that the faithful seaman told it to me, his grandson, on his
hundred and fifteenth birthday.
90 A PLAN FOR A PRIZE
A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL.
IN A LETTER FROM THE EMINENT DRAMATIST
TO THE EMINENT NOVELIST SNOOKS.
CAFE DES AVEUGLES.
*MY DEAR SNOOKS,
"I am on the look-out here for materials for original
comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre ;
and in the course of my studies, I have found something,
my dear Snooks, which I think will suit your book. You
are bringing, I see, your admirable novel, The Mysteries of
May Fair/ to an end (by the way, the scene, in the 200th
Number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the
Jesuit Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I
ever read) and, of course, you must turn your real genius
to some other channel ; and we may expect that your pen
shall not be idle.
" The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is
taken from the French; just like the original dramas above
mentioned ; and, indeed, I found it in the law report of the
National newspaper, and a French literary gentleman, M.
Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the invention. He
and an Advertisement Agent fell out about a question of
money, the affair was brought before the Courts, and the
little plot so got wind. But there is no reason why you
should not take the plot and act on it yourself. You are
a known man ; the public relishes your works ; anything
bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses ;
and though Messrs. Hookey, of Holy well Street, pay you
handsomely, I make no doubt you would like to be re
warded at a still higher figure.
" Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist
in our days is good for nothing. This one writes with a
Socialist purpose ; that with a Conservative purpose : this
A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. 91
author or authoress with the most delicate skill insinuates
Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a Papist
in the third volume : another doctors you with Low Church
remedies to work inwardly upon you, and which you swal
low down unsuspiciously, as children do calomel in jelly.
Fiction advocates all sorts of truths and causes doesn t
the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in every
thing? M. Gonzales s plan, and the one which I recom
mend to my dear Snooks, simply was to write an advertise
ment novel. Look over the Times or the Directory, walk
down Kegent Street or Fleet Street any day see what
houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication
with their proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your
studs, and the tip on your chin, I don t know any greater
swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into the shops, I say, ask
for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying I am
the great Snooks ; I am the author of " The Mysteries of May
Fair ; r> my weekly sale is 281,000 ; I am about to produce
a new work called " The Palace of Pimlico, or the Curse of
the Court," describing and lashing fearlessly the vices of
the aristocracy this book will have the sale of at least
530, 000 ; it will be on every table ; in the boudoir of the
pampered Duke, as in the chamber of the honest artisan.
The myriads of foreigners who are coming to London, and
are anxious to know about our national manners, will pur
chase my book, and carry it to their distant homes. So,
Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller how
much will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcom
ing novel? You may make a noble income in this way,
Snooks.
" For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more
easy, what more delightful, than the description of uphol
stery? As thus :
"Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider s
voluptuous ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian
beauty now reposes, when Lord Bathershins entered, step
ping noiselessly over one of Tomkins s elastic Axminster
carpets. Good heavens, my lord ! she said and the
92 A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL.
lovely creature fainted. The earl rushed to the mantel
piece, where he saw a flacon of Otto s eau-de-Cologne, and,
etc.
" Or say it s a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought
in just as easily. As thus :
" We are poor, Eliza, said Harry Hardhand, looking
affectionately at his wife, l but we have enough, love, have
we not, for our humble wants? The rich and luxurious
may go to Billow s or Gobiggin s, but we can get our rooms
comfortably furnished at Timmonson s for 20. And
putting on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her
husband, the stoker s pretty bride tripped gaily to the
well-known mart, where Timmonson, with his usual affabil
ity, was ready to receive them.
" Then you might have a touch at the wine merchant and
purveyor. Where do you get this delicious claret, or pate
defoie grasy or what you please? said Count Blagowski to
the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The voluptuous
Bart, answered at So-and-So s, or So-and-So s. The an
swer is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your
larder in this way. Begad, Snooks ! I lick my lips at the
very idea!
"Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, etc., how
easy to get a word for them! Amranison, the tailor,
waited upon Lord Paddington with an assortment of his
unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple but aristocrat
ic style, of which Schneider alone has the secret. Parvy
JSTewcome really looked like a gentleman, and though cor
pulent and crooked, Schneider had managed to give him,
etc. Don t you see what a stroke of business you might
do in this way?
" The shoemaker. Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced,
across the ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a
lady chausseed by Chevillet of Bond Street, could move in
that fairy way ; and
" The hairdresser. Count Barbarossa is seventy years
of age/ said the Earl. I remember him at the Congress
of Vienna, and he has not a single grey hair/ Wiggins
A PLAN FOR A PRIZE NOVEL. 93
laughed. My good Lord Baldock, said the old wag, * I
saw Barbarossa s hair coining out of Ducroissant s shop,
and under his valet s arm ho! ho! ho! ? and the two
bon-vivans chuckled as the Count passed by, talking with,
etc. etc.
" The gunmaker. The antagonists faced each other ; and
undismayed before his gigantic enemy Kilconnel raised his
pistol. It was one of Clicker s manufacture, and Sir Mar-
rnaduke knew he could trust the maker and the weapon.
One, two, three, cried O Tool, and the two pistols went
off at that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Life
Guardsman, etc. a sentence of this nature from your pen,
my dear Snooks, would, I should think, bring a case of
pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your lodgings, and,
though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you
might sell them, you know, and we could make merry with
the proceeds.
;c If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your ser
vice, dear Snooks ; and should anything come of it, I hops
you will remember your friend."
THE DIARY AND LETTERS OF C. JEAMES
DE LA PLUCHE.
5 Vol. 19
THE DIARY AND LETTERS OF C. JEAMES
DE LA PLCCHE.
A LUCKY SPECULATOR.
" CONSIDERABLE sensation has been excited in the upper
and lower circles in the West End, by a startling piece of
good fortune which has befallen James Plush, Esq., lately
footman in a respected family in Berkeley Square.
" One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master,
who is a banker in the City ; and after a little blushing and
hesitation, said he had saved a little money in service, was
anxious to retire, and to invest his savings to advantage.
" His master (we believe we may mention, without offend
ing delicacy, the well-known name of Sir George Flimsy,
of the house of Flimsy, Diddler, and Flash) smilingly
asked Mr. James what was the amount of his savings,
wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty
guineas the main part of which he spent on bouquets,
silk stockings, and perfumery Mr. Plush could have man
aged to lay by anything.
"Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been specu
lating in railroads, and stated his winnings to have been
thirty thousand pounds. He had commenced his specula
tions with twenty, borrowed from a fellow-servant. He
had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley Square,
and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having in
structed the Railway Secretaries who answered his applica
tions to apply at the area-bell.
" Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and
shook Mr. P. by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be
98 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
seated, and partake of the breakfast which he had laid on
the table ; and has subsequently invited him to her grand
dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss
Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh
daughter, paid the lucky gentleman marked attention.
" We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient fam
ily (Hugo de la Pluche came over with the Conqueror) ;
and the new Brougham which he has started, bears the
ancient coat of his race.
" He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a direc
tor of thirty-three railroads. He purposes to stand for
Parliament at the next general election on decidedly con
servative principles, which have always been the politics of
his family.
"Report says that, even in his humble capacity, Miss
Emily Flimsy had remarked his high demeanour. Well,
none but the brave/ say we, deserve the fair. Morning
Paper.
This announcement will explain the following lines,
which have been put into our box * with a West-End post
mark. If, as we believe, they are written by the young
woman from whom the Millionaire borrowed the sum on
which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with
sympathy at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she ex
presses in such artless language?
If it be not too late ; if wealth have not rendered its pos
sessor callous ; if poor Maryanne be still alive ; we trust,
we trust, Mr. Plush will do her justice.
"JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE.
"A HELIGY.
" Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate,
Come all ye ladies -maids so fair-
Vile I a story vil relate
Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square.
* [The letter-box of Punch, in the columns of which periodical the
"Diary" and "Letters" appeared.]
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 99
A tighter lad, it is confest,
Neer valked vith powder in his air,
Or vore a nosegay in his breast,
Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square.
" O Evns ! it vas the best of sights,
Behind his Master s coach and pair,
To see our Jeames in red plush tights,
A driving hoff from Buckley Square.
He vel became his hagwiletts,
He cocked his at with such a hair ;
His calves and viskers vas such pets,
That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square.
* He pleased the hup-stairs folks as veil,
And O I I vithered vith despair,
Misses wuld ring the parler bell,
And call up Jeames in Buckley Square.
Both beer and sperrits he abhord,
(Sperrits and beer I can t a bear),
You would have thought he vas a lord
Down in our All in Buckley Square.
44 Last year, he visper d, Mary Hann,
Yen I ve an under J d pound to spare,
To take a public is my plan,
And leave this hojous Buckley Square.
O how my gentle heart did bound,
To think that I his name should bear,
Dear Jeames, says I, I ve twenty pound,
And gev them him in Buckley Square.
" Our master vas a City gent,
His name s in railroads everywhere;
And lord, vot lots of letters vent
Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square J
My Jeames it was the letters took,
And read em all, (I think it s fair),
And took a leaf from Master s book,
As bothers do in Buckley Square.
" Encouraged with my twenty pound,
Of which poor 1 was unaware,
He wrote the Companies all round,
And signed hisself from Buckley Square.
100 DIARY OP C. JEAME8 DE LA PLUCHE.
And how John Porter used to grin,
As day by day, share after share,
Came railvay letters pouring in,
J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.
" Our servants All was in a rage
Scrip, stock, curves, gradients, bull and bear,
Vith butler, coachman, groom and page,
Vas all the talk in Buckley Square.
But O ! imagine vat I felt
Last Vensday veek as ever were ;
I gits a letter, which I spelt
Mis M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.
" He sent me back my money true
He sent me back my lock of air,
And said, My dear, I bid a jew
To Mary Hann and Buckley Square.
Think not to marry, foolish Hann,
With people who your betters are ;
James Plush is now a gentleman,
And you a cook in Buckley Square.
" I ve thirty thousand guineas won,
In six short months by genus rare ;
You little thought .what Jeames was on,
Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square.
I ve thirty thousand guineas net,
Powder and plush I scorn to vear ;
And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget
For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square. "
*
The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed
away in a flood of tears.
A LETTER FKOM "JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY
SQUAKE."
Albany, Letter X. August 10, 1845.
" SIR,
Has a reglar subscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf
to state that I should never have done so, had I supposed
that it was your abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life,
and to hinjer the delligit feelings of amble individyouals
DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 101
like myself, who have no ideer of being made the subject
of newspaper criticism.
" I elude, Sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been
made of my name in your Journal, where both my rnuccan-
tile speclations and the hinmost pashn of my art have been
brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the public emusemint.
" What call, Sir, has the public to inquire into the suckrn-
stansies of my engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins,
or to meddle with their rupsher? Why am I to be maid
the hobjick of your redicule in a doggral ballit irnpewted to
her! I say impewted, because in my time at least Mary
Hann could only sign her -J- mark (has I ve hoften witnist
it for her when she paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has
for sacraficing to the Mewses and making poatry, she was as
hincapible as Mr. Wakley himself.
" With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote
by a footman in a low farnly, a pore retch who attempted
to rivle me in my affections to Mary Hann a feller not five
foot six, and with no more calves to his legs than a donkey
who was always a ritin (having been a doctor s boy) and
who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he wellrecklex)
at the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a
but of me. He has signed Miss H. s name to his nominee
and lies : and you lay yourself hopen to a haction for lible
for insutting them in your paper.
" It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in hany way.
That I borrowed 201b of her is trew. But she confesses
I paid it back. Can hall people say as much of the money
they ve lent or borrowed? No. And I not only paid it
back: but giv her the andsomest pres nts which 1 never
should have eluded to, but for this attack. Fust, a silver
thimble, (which I found in Missus s work-box); secknd, a
vollorn of Byrom s poems : third, I halways brought her a
glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she was
remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley s twice, (and
halways a srirnp or a hoyster by the way), and a thowsnd
deligit attentions, which I sapose count for nothink.
"Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered
102 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLTJCHE.
it himpossable. I was gone into a new spear of life
mingling with my native aristoxy. I breathe no sallible of
blame aginst Miss H. but his a hilliterit cookmaid fit to set
at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank generally
marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i s upon a low
born gal, I neednd say it s only a tempory distraction, pore
passy le tong. So much for her claims upon me. Has for
that beest of a Doctor s boy, he s unwuthy the notas of a
Gentleman.
"That I ve one thirty thousand Ib, and praps more> I
dont deny. Ow much has the Kilossus of Eailroads one, I
should like to know, and what was his cappitle? I hen-
tered the market with 201b, specklated Jewdicious, and ham
what I ham. So may you be (if you have 201b, and praps
you haven t) So may you be : if you choose to go in &
win.
" I for my part am jusly prowd of my suxess, and could
give you a hundred instances of my gratatude. For igsam-
ple, the fust pair of hosses I bought (and a better pair of
steppers I dafy you to see in hany curracle,) I crisn d Hull
and Selby, in grateful elusion to my transackshns in that
railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my Dub
lin and Galway. He came down with me the other day,
and I ve jest sold him at ^ discount.
" At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two
grooms for my stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me
at table. I have now a confidenshle servant, a vally de
shamber He curls my air; inspex my accounts, and han-
sers my invitations to dinner. I call this Vally my Trent
Vally, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line,
which injuiced me to ingage him.
"Besides my North British plate and breakfast equipidge
I have two handsom suvvices for dinner the goold plate
for Sundays, and the silver for common use. When I ave
a great party, Trent, I say to my man, we will have the
London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else
the Manchester and Leeds (the silver). I bought them
after realizing on the abuf lines, and if people suppose that
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 103
the cornpanys made me a presnt of the plate, how can I
help it?
" In the sam way I say, l Trent, bring us a bottle of Bris
tol and Hexeter ! or, f Put some Heastern Counties hi
hice! He knows what I mean: it s the wines I bought
upon the hospicious tummination of my connexshn with
those two railroads.
" So strong indeed as this abbit become, that being asked
to stand Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last week,
I had her christened (provisionally) Eosamell from the
French line of which I am Director ; and only the other
day, finding myself rayther unwell, Doctor, 7 says I to Sir
Jeames Clark, l I ve sent to consult you because my Mid
lands are out of horder and I want you to send them up to
a premium. The Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the story
subsquintly at Buckinum P 11 s.
" But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in
writing has been to clear my carrater to show that I came
by my money in a honrable way : that I m not ashaymd of
the manner in which I gaynd it, and ham indeed grateful
for my good fortune.
" To conclude, I have ad my pedigree maid out at the
Erald Hoffis (I don t mean the Morning Erald), and have
took for my arms a Stagg. You are corrict in stating that
I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more than Peal
can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy ; but the prim-
mier being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder.
Consurvative though I be, 1 may change my opinions before
the next Election, when I intend to hoffer myself as a Can-
dydick for Parlymint.
" Mean wild, I have the honour to be, Sir,
" Your most obeajnt Survnt,
"FiTz- JAMES DE LA PLUCHE."
104 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
JEAMES S DIAEY.
ONE day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at
our Office, evidently in great perturbation of mind and dis
order of dress. He had no flower in his button -hole; his
yellow kid gloves were certainly two days old. He had
not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his
great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of
some dozen of the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with
which, since his elevation to fortune, the poor fellow has
thought fit to adorn himself.
"How s scrip, Mr. Jeames?" said we pleasantly, greet
ing our esteemed contributor.
" Scrip be ," replied he, with an expression we can
not repeat, and a look of agony it is impossible to describe
in print, and walked about the* parlour whistling, hum
ming, rattling his keys and coppers, and showing other
signs of agitation. At last, " Mr^ Punch," says he, after a
moment s hesitation, "I wish to speak to you on a pint of
businiss. I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your
paper. Suckmstances is haltered with me. I I in a
word, can you lend me for the account? ;
He named the sum. It was one so great, that we don t
care to mention it here; but on receiving a cheque for the
amount (on Messrs. Pump and Aldgate, bankers), tears
came into the honest fellow s eyes. He squeezed our hand
until he nearly wrung it off, and, shouting to a cab, he
plunged into it at our office- door, and was off to the City.
Eeturning to our study, we found he had left on our
table an open pocket-book; of the contents of which (for
the sake of safety) we took an inventory. It contained :
three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor s ditto, unsettled; forty-
nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six thousand
seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we
take, on an average, to be discount; and in an old bit of
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 105
paper tied with pink riband a lock of chestnut hair, with
the initials M. A. H.
In the diary of the pocket-book was a Journal, jotted
down by the proprietor from time to time. At first the
entries are insignificant ; as, for instance : " 3rd January
Our beer in the Suvnts Hall so precious small at this
Christmas time that I reely muss give warning, & wood,
but for my dear Mary Hann." "February 7 That broot
Screw, the Butler, wanted to kiss her, my dear Mary Hann
boxt his hold hears, & served him right. I datest Screw
and so forth. Then the diary relates to Stock Exchange
operations, until we come to the time when, having achieved
his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and his
livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman
upon town. It is from the latter part of his diary that
we make the following
EXTRAX.
" Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of fort-
ing, and that by the exasize of my own talince and ingiani-
uty I had reerlized a sum of 20,000 Ib. (it was only 5, but
what s the use of a mann depreshiating the qualaty of his
own mackyrel?) Wen I enounced my abrup intention to
cut you should have sean the sensation among hall the
people! Cook wanted to know whether I woodn like a
sweatbred, or the slice of the brest of a Cold Turkey.
Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a hinsalant
hover-baring beest) begged me to walk into the Hupper
Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo.
Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his and, & said, Jeames,
I hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you and me, and I ll
stand a pot of beer with pleasure.
" The sickofnts ! that wery Cook had split on me to the
Housekeeper ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold
tuttle soop, of which I m remarkable fond). Has for the
Butler, I always ebomminated him for his precious snears
and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry, (he never
106 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
would sit in our parlour, fasooth, nor drink out of our
mugs) ; and in regard of Visp why, it was ony the dfay
before the wulgar beest hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to
give me a good iding if I refused. Gentlemen and ladies/
says I, as haughty as may be, there s nothink that I want
for that I can t go for to buy with my hown money, and
take at my lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex ; if I m ungry
I ve no need to refresh myself in the bitching. And, so
saying, I took a dignafied ajew of these minnial domestics ;
and asending to my epartment in the 4 pair back, brushed
the powder out of my air, and, taking hoff those hojous
livries for hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin,
of St. Jeames Street, and which fitted my manly figger as
tight as whacks.
" There was one pusson in the house with womb I was
rayther anxious to evoid a persnal leave-taking Mary Hann
Oggins, I mean for my art is natural tender, and I can t
abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I d given her previous the
infamafcion of my departure doing the ansome thing by
her at the same time paying her back 20 lb., which she d
lent me 6 months before : and paying her back not ony the
interest, but I gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a
silver thimbil, by way of boanus. Mary Hann, says I,
suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions in life.
I quit the Servnts Hall for hever, (for has for your marry
ing a person in my rank, that my dear is hall gammin),
and so I wish you a good-by, my good gal, and if you want
to better yourself, halways refer to me.
" Mary Hann didn t hanser my speech (which I think
was remarkable kind), but looked at me in the face quite
wild like, and bust into something betwigst a laugh & cry,
and fell down with her ed on the kitching dresser, where
she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room bell.
Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & things, & my
check for 20 lb. 10s. on the tabil, when she went to hanser
the bell? And now I heard her sobbing and vimpering in
her own room nex but one to mine, with the dore open, per-
aps expecting I should come in and say good-by. But, as
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 107
soon as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring
Frederick, my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and re
questing permission to take leaf of my lady & the famly
before my departure."
*
" How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure ! Her lady
ship told me what a sweet gal she was hamiable, fond of
poetry, plays the gitter. Then she hasked me if I liked
blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I don t
like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly s his and
has for a blond buty she as pink Fs like a Halbino, and her
face looks as if it were dipt in a brann mash. How she
squeeged my & as she went away !
" Mary Hann now has haubin air, and a cumplexion like
roses and hivory, and Fs as blew as Evin.
" I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb been
resolved to hact the gentleman in hall things. How he
stared ! "
"25th. I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous
lines, and have past hall day in the Citty. Although I ve
hate or nine new soots of close, and Mr. Cullin fitts me
heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise me. Conshus
wispers to me Jeams, you r hony a footman in disguise
hafter all. "
"28th. Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That
Lablash is a wopper at singing. I coodn make out why
some people called out Bravo, some Bravar, and some
Bravee. l Bravee, Lablash/ says I, at which hevery body
laft.
"I m in my new stall. I ve add new cushings put in,
and my harms in goold on the back. I m dressed hall in
black, excep a gold waistcoat and dimind studds in the em
broidered busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia
Jiponiky in my button ole, and have a double-barreld opera
glas, so big, that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it
in the other cabb.
108 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
" What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is ! If
those four gals are faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy
Queend. She can do all that they can do, and somethink
they can t. There s an indiscrible grace about her, and
Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams.
" Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out
of their box on the fourth tear?
"What linx i s she must av. As if I could mount up
there !
"P.S. Talking of mounting hup! the St. Helena s
walked up 4 per cent this very day."
" 2nd July. Kode my bay oss Desperation in the park.
There was me, Lord George Blngwood (Lord Cinqbar s
son), Lord Ballybunn ion, Honorable Capting Trap, & sevral
young swells. Sir John s carridge there in coarse. Miss
Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I m obleged to
get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his.
The gettin on hoss back agin is halways the juice & hall.
Just as I was hon, Desperation begins a-porring the hair
with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his anches, that I m
blest if I didn t slip off agin over his tail; at which Bally-
bunnion & the other chaps rord with lafter.
" As Bally has istates in Queen s County, I ve put him
on the Saint Helena direction. We call it the ( Great St.
Helena Napoleon Junction, from Jamestown to Long-
wood. The French are taking it hup heagerly."
" 6th July. Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one
of the Welsh bords of Direction I m hon. The Cwrwmwrw
& Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils through Snowding & Plin-
liniming.
" Great nashnallity of coarse. Ap Shinkin in the chair,
Ap Llwydd in the vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh
iron knives & forks; Welsh rabbit after dinner; and a
Welsh harper, be hanged to him ; he went strummint on
his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly dis
agreeable to me.
DIAKY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 109
" It was ( Pore Mary Hann. The clarrit holmost choaked
me as I tried it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought
of her bewtifle blue i s. Why ham I always thinkin about
that gal? Sasiaty is sasiaty, it s lors is irresistabl. Has
a man of rank I can t marry a serving-made. What would
Cinq bar & Bally bunnion say?
" P./S. I don t like the way that Cinqbars has of borro-
ing money, & halways making me pay the bill. Seven
pound six at the Shipp, Grinnidge, which I don t grudge
it, for Derbyshire s brown Ock is the best in Urup; nine
pound three at the Trafflygar, and seventeen pound sixteen
& nine at the Star and Garter, Richmond, with the Countess
St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of
French could I speak, and in consquince had nothink to do
but to make myself halmost sick with heating hices and
desert, while the hothers were chattering & parlyvooing.
" Ha ! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary
Hann, when we were more happy, (after a walk in the park,
where we ad one gingy-beer betwigst us,) more appy with
tea and a simple srimp than with hall this splender ! :
"July 24. My first floor apartmince in the Halbiny is
now kimpletely and chasely funnished the droring-room
with yellow satting and silver for the chairs and sophies -
hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink velvet & goold
borders & fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, em-
broydered with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c., as
handsome as goold can make them, and candlesticks and
shandalers of the purest Hornaolew.
"The Dining-room funniture is all hoak, British Hoak;
round igspanding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccom-
adating any number from 8 to 24 to which it is my wish
to restrict my parties Curtings Crimsing damask, Chairs
crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men
decorats the wall namely the Duke of Wellington. There s
four of his Grace. For I ve remarked that if you wish to
pass for a man of weight & considration you should holways
praise and quote him I have a valluble one lickwise of my
110 DIARY OF C. JEAME8 DE LA PLUCHE.
Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert has a Field Martial and
halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar snears that
are daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigst
the Prins & the Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the
Cinqbar Militia, of which Cinqbars has made me Capting.
"The Libery is not yet done.
" But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole if you
could but see it! such a Bedworr! I ve a Shuval Dressing
Glass festooned with Walanseens Lace, and lighted up of
evenings with rose-coloured tapers. Goold dressing case
and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold
with curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by
a goold Qpid who seems always a-smilin angillicly hon me,
has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with the
finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2
groornbs, and a fimmale for the House I ve 7 osses: in
cors if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment.
" N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. Saint
Helenas, 12 P.M., Madagascars, 9-f, Saffron Hill & Rook
ery Junction, 24, and the new lines in prospick equily
incouraging.
" People phansy its hall gaiety and pleasure the life of
us fashnable gents about townd But I can tell emit snot
hall goold that glitters. They don t know our moments of
hagony, hour ours of studdy and reflecshun. They little
think when they see Jeam.es de la Pluche, Exquire, worl-
ing round in walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly
stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx
into the Countess s hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss
Desperation hover the exorcism ground in the Park, they
little think that leader of the tong, seaminkly so reckliss,
is a careworn mann ! and yet so it is.
" Irnprymus. I ve been ableged to get up all the ecom-
plishments at double quick, & to apply myself with tree-
men juous energy.
"First, in horder to give myself a hideer of what a
DIARY OP C. JEAMEB DE LA PLTJCHE. Ill
gentleman reely is I ve read the novvle of Pelham six
times, and am to go through it 4 times mor.
" I practis ridin and the acquirement of a steady and &
a sure seat across Country assijuously 4 times a week, at
the Hippydrum Hiding Grounds. Many s the tuinbil I av
ad, and the aking boans I ve suffered from, though I was
grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra.
" Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Hal
bany may have been surprised to hear the sounds of music
ishuing from the apartmince of Jeames de la Pluche, Ex-
quire, Letter Hex. It s my dancing-master. From six to
nine we have walces and polkies at nine * mangtiang &
depotment, as he calls it; & the manner of hentering a
room, complimenting the ost & ostess & compotting your
self at table. At nine I henter from my dressing-room (has
to a party), I make my bow my master (he s a Marquis
in France, and ad misfortins, being connected with young
Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me I hadwance speak abowt
the weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cus-
sory manner. Brekf st is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann
we precede to the festive bord complirnence is igschanged
with the manner of drinking wind, adressing your neigh
bour, employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And
then we fall to brekfst, when I promiss you the Marquis
don t eat like a commoner. He says I m getten on very
well soon I shall be able to invite people to brekfst, like
Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr. Macauly, (who wrote
that sweet book of ballets, The Lays of Hancient Kum, )
& the great Mr. Kodgers himself."
" The above was wrote some weeks back. I have given
brekfsts sins then, reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and
Ycounts Barnits as many as I chose : and the pick of the
Railway world, of which I form a member. Last Sunday
was a grand Fate. I had the Meet of my friends : the dis
play was sumptions; the company reshershy. Everything
that Dellixy could suggest was by Gunter provided. I had
a Countiss on my right & (the Countess of Wigglesbury,
112 DIARY OF C. JEAME8 DE LA PLUCHE.
that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be
called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H is
the Eailway King) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose
Prince Towrowski the great Sir Huddlestone Fuddle-
stone, from the North, and a skoar of the fust of the fashn.
I was in my gloary. The dear Countess and Lady Blanche
was dying with laffing at my joax and fun. I was keeping
the whole table in a roar when there came a ring at my
door-bell, and sudnly Fitzwarren, my man, henters with
an air of constanation ; There s somebody at the door,
says he, in a visper.
"O, it s that dear Lady Hernily, says I, and that
lazy raskle of a husband of her s. Trot them in, Fitz
warren, (for you see, by this time I had adopted quite the
manners and hease of the arristoxy,) And so, going out,
with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing
Mr. & Mrs. Blodder.
"I turned gashly pail. The table the guests the
Countiss Towrouski, and the rest, weald round & round
before my hagitated I s. It was my Grandmother and
Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common,
and he he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.
" Y, Y hadn t John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had
tried. But the unconscious, though worthy creeters, ad-
wanced in spite of him, Huncle Bill bringing in the old
lady grinning on his harm !
" Phansy my feelinx."
" Immagin when, these unf ortnat members of my family
hentered the room : you may phansy the ixtonnishment of
the nobil company presnt. Old G-rann looked round the
room quite estounded by its horientle splender, and huncle
Bill (pulling hoff his phantail, & seluting the company as
respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says- Crikey,
Jearnes, you ve^ got a better birth here than you ad where
you were in the plush and powder line. Try a few of
them plovers hegs, sir, I says, whishing, I m asheamed
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 113
to say, that soinethink would choke huncle B ; and I
hope, mam, now you ve ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little
refreshniint won t be out of your way.
" This I said, detummined to put a good f ase on the mat
ter; and because, in herly times, I d reseaved a great deal
of kindniss from the hold lady, which I should be a roag
to f orgit, She paid for my schooling ; she got up my fine
linning gratis; she s given me many & many a Ib; and
manys the time in appy appy days when me and Mary
Hann has taken tea. But never mind that. f Mam, says
I, { you must be tired hafter your walk.
" Walk? Nonsince, Jeames, says she; it s Saturday,
& I came in, in the cart. ( Black or green tea, maam?
says Fitzwarren, intarupting her. And I will say the fel
ler showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt mo-
mink; for he d halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth
was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie,
and other dellixies.
" Wouldn t you like a little somethink in your tea,
Mam? says that sly wagg Cinqbars. He knows what I
likes, replies the hawfle hold Lady, pinting to me (which
I knew it very well, having often seen her take a glas of
hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged
to horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help
my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it
hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with her
lipps, after she d emtied the glas, which very nearly caused
me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn t
igspose herself much farther; for when Cinqbars was press
ing her to take another glas, I cried out, l Don t, my lord,
on which old Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried
out, A Lord ! 0, lor ! and got up and made him a cutsy,
and coodn t be peswaded to speak another word. The
presents of the noble gent, heavidently made her uneesy.
The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of
ixtream disgust at the beayviour of my relations, and, hav
ing called for her carridge, got up to leave the room, with
the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to conduct her
114 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it
stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the
footmin in peach-coloured tites ; the hosses worth 3 hun
dred a-peace ; and there stood the horrid linnen-cart, with
Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex/ wrote on
the bord, and waiting until my abandind old parint should
come out.
" Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddleston
Fuddlestone, the great barnet from the North, who, great
as he is, is as stewpid as a howl, looked on, hardly trusting
his goggle I s as they witnessed the Sean. But little lively
good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going away
with the Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to
me and said, Mr. de la Pluche, you are a much better
man than I took you to be. Though her Ladyship is hor
rified, & though your Grandmother did take gin for break
fast, don t give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for
honoring their father & mother.
" And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I ob
served that all the good fellers thought none the wuss of
me. Cinqbars said I was a trump for sticking up for the
old washerwoman; Lord G-eorge Gills said she should have
his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them.
But it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove
hoff.
" There was one pint which my Grandmother observed,
and which, I muss say, "I thought lickwise; f Ho, Jeames,
says she, hall those fine ladies in sattns and velvets is
very well, but there s not one of em can hold a candle to
Mary Hann.
" Eailway Spec is going on phamously. You should see
how polite they har at my bankers now ! Sir Paul Pump
Aldgate & Company. They bow me out of the back parlor
as if I was a Nybobb. Everybody says I m worth half a
million. The number of lines they re putting me upon, is
inkumseavable. I ve put Fitzwarren, my man, upon sev
eral. Eeginald Fitzwarren, Esquire, looks splendid in a
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 115
perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two
thowsnd.
" How the ladies & men too, f oiler & flatter me ! If I
go into Lady Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me,
whoever is there, and cries out, do make room for that
dear creature ! And she complyments me on my taste in
musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit,
and always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord
Bareacres, as stiff as a poaker, as prowd as Loosyfer, as
poor as Joab even he condysends to be sivvle to the great
De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur s, lately, in his
sollorn, pompus way, ( to f aver him with five minutes con
versation/ I knew what was coming application for
shares put him down on my private list. Wouldn t mind
the Scrag End Junction passing through Bareacres hoped
I d come down and shoot there.
" I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own
pocket. There, old Pride, says I, I like to see you
down on your knees to a footman. There, old Pomposs-
aty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing
and begging for it. Whenever I see him in a very public
place, I take my change for my money. I digg him in
the ribbs, or slap his padded old shoulders. I call him,
Bareacres, my old Buck ! and I see him wince. It does
my art good.
"I m in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just
occurred. Lady Pump, the banker s wife, asked me to
dinner. I sat on her right, of coarse, with an uncommon
gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in my fassanating
way full of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy
plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked me
to drink Shampane; and on turning to take the glass I
saw Charles Wackles (with womb I d been imployed at
Colonel Spurriers house) grinning over his shoulder at the
Butler.
" The beest reckonized me. Has I was putting on my
palto in the hall, he came up again : ( Ifow dy doo, Jearnes,
says he, in a fin dish visper. * Just come out here, Chawles/
116 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
says I, l I ve a word for you, my old boy. So I beckoned
him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I
was going to give him a sovaring.
" I think you said " Jeames," Chawles, says I, and
grind at me at dinner?
"< Why, sir/ says he, we re old friends, you know.
" Take that for old friendship then, says I, and I
gave him just one on the noas, which sent him down on the
pavemint as if he d been shot. And mounting myjesticly
into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning scoundrills to
pick him up, & droav to the Clubb."
" Have this day kimpleated a little ef air with my friend
George, Earl Bareacres, which I trust will be to the ad-
vantidge both of self & that noble gent. Adjining the
Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of about 100
acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the
cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a
pickewlear fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme,
heather, and other hodarefarus plants which grows on that
mounting in the places where the rox and stones don t
prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and
the land is also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges
much more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset, or
any of that rubbishing sort of timber ; indeed the sile is of
that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there altogether.
I gave Bareacres 50. an acre for this land (the igsact
premium of my St. Helena Shares) a very handsom price
for land which never yielded two shillings an acre ; and
very convenient to his Lordship, I know, who had a bill
coming due at his Bankers which he had given them.
Jeaines de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust time a
landed propriator or rayther, I should say, is about to
reshume the rank & dignity in the country which his Han-
cestors so long occupied."
" I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 117
of the Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of
&c., &c., bordered on the North by Lord Bareacres Coun
try ; on the West by Sir Granby Growler ; on the South by
the Hotion. An Arkytect and Survare, a young feller of
great emagination, wornb we have employed to make a sur
vey of the Great Caffrarian line, has built me a beautiful
Villar (on paper), Plushton Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I
de la P., Esquire. The house is reprasented a handsome
Itallian Strueter, imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by
beautiful gardings. There s a lake in front with boatsfull
of nobillaty and musitions floting on its placid surface
and a curricle is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and
me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady Hangelina de la
Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I may be going to form a
noble kinexion. I may be (by marriage) going to unight
my famly once mor with Harrystoxy, from which mis-
fortn has for some sentries separated us. I have dreams of
that sort.
"I ve sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a serting Erl
standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my
union with a serting butifle young lady, his daughter.
Phansy Mr. or Sir Jearnes and Lady Hangelina de la
Pluche ! Ho ! what will the old washy woman, my grand
mother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and shall
too, by my honour as a Gent."
"As for Squallop Hill, it s not to be emadgind that I
was going to give 5000 Ib. for a bleak mounting like that,
unless I had some ideer in vew. Ham I not a Director of
the Grand Diddlesex? Don t Squallop lie amediately be-
twigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End,
through which cities our line passes? I will have 40,000
Ib. for that mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have
aranged a little barging too for my friend the Erl. The
line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre Park. He
shall have a good compensation, I promis you ; and then I
shall get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker s account,
I fear, is in a horrid state,"
118 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no
interest to the public : Memoranda of City dinners
meetings of Directors fashionable parties in which
Mr. Jeames figures, and almost always by the side of
his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose "pompossaty,"
as described in the last Number, seems to have almost
entirely subsided.]
We then come to the following :
" With a prowd and thankfle Art, I coppy off this morn
ing s Gyzett the folloing news :
" Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of
Diddlesex.
" James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Deputy
Lieutenant. "
" North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.
" James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Cap
tain, vice Blowlord, promoted. "
" And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator a
Depparty Leftnant a Capting? May I hatend the Cort
of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my country s defens?
I wish the French wood land, and me at the head of my
squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I d extonish
em ! How the gals will stare when they see me in youni-
fom? How Mary Hann would but nonsince! I m hal-
ways thinking of that pore gal. She s left Sir John s.
She couldn t abear to stay after I went, I ve heerd say. I
hope she s got a good place. Any summ of money that
would sett her up in bisniss, or make her comf arable, I d
come down with like a mann. I told my granmother so,
who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on Des
paration to leave a five Ib. noat in anvylope. But she s
sent it back, sealed with a thirnbill."
" Tuesday. Eeseavd the folloing letter from Lord B-
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 119
rellatif to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I
shall wear on that hospicious seramony :
u t MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE, I think you had better be
presented as a Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex
Yeomanry, I hardly know what the uniform is now. The
last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince of
Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French grey jackets,
leathers, red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets
with leopard-skin and a white plume, and the regulation
pig-tail of eighteen inches. That dress will hardly answer
at present, and must be modified, of course. We were
called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part,
I decidedly recommend the Deputy Lieutenant.
" I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at
the Drawing-room. Lady Bareacres will be in town for
the 13th, with Angelina, who will be presented on that
day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to
make your acquaintance.
" All my people are backward with their rents : for
Heaven s sake, my dear fellow, lend me five hundred and
oblige,
" l Yours very gratefully,
" BAKE ACRES/
"Note. Bareacres may press me about the Depity Left-
nant but Tm for the cavvlery."
"Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me.
It was in that month that I became persnally ecquaintid
with my Prins and my gracious Sovarink.
"Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may
emadgin that my busm was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis
of nights, I past them thinking of the great ewent or if
igsosted natur did clothes my highlids the eyedear of my
waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls,
presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my
dreembs unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisump-
6 Vol. 19
120 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
slm never surely igseeded that of my wickid wickid vishn).
One night I actially dremt that Her K.H. the Princess
Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit Counsel
to detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on nie or the
Prins of Sax-Muffinhausen-Puinpen stein, a young Prooshn
or Germing zion of nobillaty. I ask unily parding for
this hordacious ideer.
" I said, in my fornmer remarx, that I had deturnmined
to be presented to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a
melintary coschewrn. The Court-shoots in which Sivillians
attend a Levy are so uncomming like the the livries
(ojus wud ! 1 8 to put it down) I used to wear before enter
ing sosiaty, that I couldn t abide the notium of wearing
one. My detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yo-
minry Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant youniforn of the
North Diddlesex Huzzas.
" Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, 1 thought
myself quite hotherized to make such halterations in the
youniform as shuited the presnt time and my metured and
elygint taste. Pigtales was out of the question. Tites I
was detummined to mintain. My legg is praps the fmist pint
about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle.
" I phixt on scarlit tites, then, inibridered with goold as
I have seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me
and Mary Hann used to go there. Ninety-six guineas
worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have myhandering
hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.
" Yellow rnarocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs &
goold tassles as bigg as belpulls.
" Jackit French gray and silver orings f asings & cuphs,
according to the old patn; belt, green and goold, tight
round my pusn, & settin hoif the cernetry of my figger not
disadvintajusly .
" A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber
of Demaskus steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my
Odiclone and inibridered pocket ankerchief), kimpleat my
acooterments, which without vannaty, was, I flatter my
self, uneak.
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 121
" But the crownding triumph was ray hat. I couldn t
wear a cock At. The huzzahs don t use ? em. I wouldn t
wear the hojous old brass Elmet & Leppardskin. I choas
a hat which is dear to the merary of hevery Brittn ; an at
which was inwented by niy Feeld Marshle and adored
Prins ; an At which vulgar prejidis & Joaking has in vane
etempted to run down. I chose the Halbert At. 1 * I didn t
tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty, intending to sur
prize him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex Yo-
mingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread
hout like a shaving brush.
" You may be sure that bef or the f atle day arrived, I
didn t niglect to practus my part well; and had sevral
rehustles, as they say.
" This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full
togs. I made Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the
door, and figger as the Lord in Waiting. I put Mrs.
Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair to reprasent
the horgust pusn of my Sovring Frederick, my secknd
man, standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus
Prins Consort. Hall the Candles were lighted. Captain
de la Pluche, presented by Herl Bareacres, Fitzwarren, my
man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to the
Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable
loilty towards the Brittish Crownd, then stepping grace
fully hup (my Dimascus Simiter would git betwigst my
ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery disagreeble)
rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but
respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly
ritreated backards out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4
suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym the night befor my
presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with the sun-
rice. I coodn t sleep that night. By abowt six o clock in
* [A shako recently invented by the Prince Consort and distributed
to the army. Thackeray is amiably satirical about the " Halbert
At " in " The Ducal Hat for Jenkins " (Punch, January 13, 1844, vol.
vi. p. 32), reprinted in vol. xiv, of this edition: "The Book of
Snobs," etc.]
122
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
the morning I was drest in my full uniform and I didn t
know how to pass the interveaning hours.
" My Granmother hasn t seen me in full phigg, says I.
1 It will rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her
race so suxesfle in life. Has I ave read the novvle of
Kennlworth, that the Her! goes down in Cort dress and
extoneshes Haniy Bobsart, I will go down in hall my
splender and astownd my old washy woman of a Gran-
mother. To make this detummination ; to horder my
Broom ; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 123
to bring it ; was with ine the wuck of a momint. The nex
sor as galliant a cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb, skower-
ing the road to Healing.
" I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My hnncle was
habsent with the cart ; but the dor of the humble eboad
stood hopen, and I passed through the little garding where
the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy ploom was
ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the
apartmint.
"There" was a smell of tea there there s always a smell
of tea there the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I
advanced tords her; but ha! phansy my extonnishrnent
when I sor Mary Hann !
" I halmost f aintid with hirnotion. Ho, Jeames ! (she
has said to me subsquintly) mortial mann never looked so
bewtifle as you did when you arived on the day of the
Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were diwine! }
"R! what little Justas the Hartist has done to my
mannly etractions in the groce carriketure he s made of
me."
" Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as
my hentrance to St. Jeames s, on the day of the Levy.
The Tuckish Harnbasdor himself was not so much re
marked as my shuperb turn out.
" As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I
was resolved to come to the ground on kossback. I had
Desparation phigd out as a charger, and got 4 Melentery
dresses from Ollywell Street, in which I drest my 2 men
(Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodn t stand it), and 2 fellers
from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up
St. Jeames s Street, with my 4 Hadycongs the people
huzzaying the gals waving their hankerchers, as if I were
a Foring Prins hall the winders crowdid to see me pass.
" The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least,
when I came, for the drums beat, and the guard turned
out and seluted me with presented harms.
" What a momink of triumth it was ! I sprung myjes-
124 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
tickly from Desperation. I gav the rains to one of my
horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I past into the presnts
of my Most Gracious Mrs."
" You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth
the suckinstanzas of inyhawjince with the British Crownd.
But I am not one who would gratafy imputtnint curaiosaty.
Kispect for our reckonized instatewtions is iny fust quallaty.
I, for one, will dye rallying round my Thrown.
" Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presents,
when I sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that
Most Gracious Prins, to admire womb has been the chief
Objick of my life, my busum was seased with an imotiuni
which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe my trembling knees
halrnost rifused their hofns I reckleck nothing mor until
I was found phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamber-
ling. Sir Robert Peel apnd to be standing by (I knew our
wuthy Primmier by Punch s picturs of him, igspecially his
ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall
say nothink, but that he is a Hero of 100 fites, and hevery
fite he fit he one. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of
Wellingting? I intro juiced myself to these Jents, and
intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps ast Guvmint
for a Barnetcy.
" But there was another pusn womb on this droring-room
I fust had the inagspressable dalite to beold. This was
that Star of fashing, that Sinecure of neighbouring i s, as
Milting observes, the econiplisht Lady Hangelina Thistle-
wood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey
de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron South
down, in the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron
Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant of the
County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was with
her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And
surely never lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn.
In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady Hangelina was the fair-
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 125
est Star in that reath of Loveliness the sweetest Rose-
budd! Pore Mary Hann, my Art s young aifeckshns had
been senterd on thee ; but like water through a sivv, her
immidge disapeared in a momink, and left me intransd in
the presnts of Hangelina !
"Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow a grand
and hawfle pusnage her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose,
and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge phethers ; the fare
Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly bewhildring,
and said, 0, Mr. de la Pluche, I m so delighted to make
your acquaintance, I have often heard of you.
" Who, says I, has mentioned my insiggniincknt
igsistance to the fair Lady Hangelina, kel bonure igstrame
poor mwaw; (for you see I ve not studdied Pelham
for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces, without
which no Gent of fashn speaks now).
" 0, replies my lady, it was papa first; and then a
very, very old friend of yours.
" Whose name is, says I, pusht on by my stoopid
curawsaty
" Hoggins Mary Ann Hoggins ansurred my lady
(laffing phit to splitt her little sides). She is my maid,
Mr. de la Pluche, and I m afraid you are a very sad, sad
person.
" A mere baggytell, says I. In fornmer days I was
equainted with that young woman; but haltered suckm-
stancies have separated us for hever, and mong cure is irra-
treevably perdeiu elsewhere.
" Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it?
We are all dying to know.
" Since about two minnits, and the Lady s name begins
with a Ha, says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and
con j ring up hall the fassanations of my smile.
" Mr. de la Pluche/ here said a gentleman in whiskers
and mistashes standing by, hadn t you better take your
spurs out of the Countess of Bareacres train? Never
mind Mamma s train (said Lady Hangelina) ; this is the
great Mr. de la Pluche, who is to make all our fortunes
126 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
*
yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let ine present you to Cap
tain George Silvertop. The Capting bent just one jint of
his back very slitely; I retund his stare with equill hotti-
ness. Go and see for Lady Bareacres 5 carridge, Charles/
says his Lordship ; and vispers to me, f a cousin of ours
a poor relation. So I took no notis of the feller when he
came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where
it seems a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabbj
Capting."
" Thursday Night. Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashu
for you hogments daily! I ve bean with her two the
Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia Jyponiky from
Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in her
raving Air. I woar another in my butn-ole. Evns, what
was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and
igsammined the house with my glas !
"She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however
would scarcely speek; although I kijoled her with a
thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it was because that wul-
gar raskle Silvertop, wood stay in the box. As if he didn t
know (Lady B. s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink)
that people sometimes like a tatytaty."
"Friday. I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my
feelings in the folloring lines there s a hair out of Balfe s
Hopera that she s fond of. I edapted them to that rnellady.
" She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She
was wobbling at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the
convasation upon mewsick; said I sung myself, (I ve ad
lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo) ; and, on her rekwest-
ing me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my
poim:
MOONLIKE ORE THE HAZURE SEAS.
" When moonlike ore the hazure seas
In soft effulgence swells,
When silver jews and balmy breaze
Bend down the Lily s bells;
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 127
When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
Has lapt your soal in dreems,
R Hangeline ! R lady mine !
Dost thou remember Jeames?
" I mark thee in the Marble All,
Where England s loveliest shine
I say the fairest of them hall
Is Lady Hangeline.
My soul, in desolate eclipse,
With recollection teems
And then I hask, with weeping lips,
Dost thou remember Jeames?
" Away ! I may not tell thee hall
This soughring heart endures
There is a lonely sperrit-call
That Sorrow never cures ;
There is a little, little Star,
That still above me beams;
It is the Star of Hope but ar !
Dost thou remember Jeames?
" When I came to the last words, Dost thou remember
Je-e-e-ams, I threw such an igspresshn of unuttrabble teii-
derniss into the shake at the hend, that Hangelina could
bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium seized
her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room.
I heard her lairing and sobbing histerickly in her bedwor.
"0 Hangelina My adord one, My Arts joy! " . , .
"Bareacres, me, the ladies of the fainly, with their
sweet Southdown, B s eldest son, and George Silvertop,
the shabby Capting (who seames to git leaf from his
ridgmint whenhever he likes), have beene down into Did-
dlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there.
" Never having done much in the gunning line (since
when a hinnasent boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at
Healing, and shoot sparrers in the Edges with a pistle) I
was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot, and practusd
for some days at a stoughed bird in a shooting gallery,
128 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sug-
seaded in itting the hannimle pretty well. I bought
Awker s Shooting Guide/ two double-guns at Mantings,
and salected from the French prints of f ashn the most gaw-
jus and ellygant sporting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet
and goold cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of
yaller & green imbroidered satting, a weskit of the M Grig-
ger plaid, and a jacket of the M Whirter tartn (with large
motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and
spawting subjix) , high leather gayters, and marocky shoot
ing shoes, was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and
I natter myself set hoff my figer in rayther a fayverable
way. I took down none of my own pusnal istablishniint
excep Fitzwarren, ray hone maun, and my grooms, with
Desparation and my curricle osses and the Fourgong con
taining my dressing-case and close.
"I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the
great Railroad Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the
most prawsperous districk of the hempire. The squires
prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst em; and
we had a Hagricultral Meating of the Bareacres tenantry,
where I made a speech droring tears from hevery i. It
was in compliment to a layborer who had brought up six
teen children, and lived sixty years on the istate on seven
bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station.
I shook hands with that niann in lavinder kid gloves. I
told him that the purshuit of hagriculture was the noblist
hockupations of humannaty: I spoke of the yoming of
Hengland, who (under the command of my hancisters) had
conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy ; and I gave him a pair
of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each
pocket, as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitz
warren, my man, brought them forrards on a satting cush-
ing. Has I sat down, def ning chears selewted the horator;
the band struck up The Good Old English Gentleman. 7 I
looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina waivd her
ankasher and kissed her & ; and I sor in the distans that
pore Mary Hann effected evidently to tears by my ellaquints.
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 129
"What an adwance that gal as made since she s been in
Lady Hangelina s company! Sins she wears her young
lady s igsploded gownds and retired caps and ribbings,
there s an ellygance abowt her which is pufficklt admarable ;
and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss,
creates in my boozum serting sensatiums. . . . Shor! i
mustn t give way to fealinx unwurthy of a member of the
aristoxy. What can she be to me but a niear recklection
a vishn of former ears?
" I m blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself
yesterday. I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres
Castle! I sor a lady in a melumcolly hattitude gacing
outa-winder at the setting sun, which was eluminating the
fair parx and gardings of the hancient demean.
: Bewchus Lady Hangelina, says I * a penny for
your Ladyship s thoughts, says I.
" Ho, Jeames ! Ho, Mr. La Pluche ! hansered a well-
known vice, with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art.
You know what my thoughts are, well enough. I was
thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us were
poo-poo-poor, says Mary Hann, bursting out in a phit of
crying, a thing I can t ebide. I took her & and tried to
comfit her : I pinted out the diffrints of our sitawashns ;
igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as
its previletches, and that my juty clearly was to marry
into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing
and going hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself
came up The real Siming Fewer, as they say in the
play.
" There they stood together them two young women.
I don t know which is the ansamest, I coodii help compar
ing them ; and I coodnt help comparing myself to a certing
Hannimle I ve read of, that found it difficklt to make a
choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A.
"That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren my oan man a
feller I ve maid a fortune for a feller I give 100 Ib. per
hannum to ! a low bred Wallydyshamber ! He must be
130 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
thinking of falling in love too ! and treating me to his im-
perence.
"He s a great big athlatic feller six foot i, with a pair
of black whiskers like air-brushes with a look of a Colo
nel in the Harmy a dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I
warrunt you. I was coming ome from shuiting this hafter-
noon and passing through Lady Hangelina s flour-garding,
who should I see in the suiniuerhouse, but Mary Hann pre
tending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his
cort to her.
" You may as well have me, Mary Hann, says he.
* I ve saved money. We ll take a public-house and I ll
make a lady of you. I m not a purse-proud ungrateful
fellow like Jeames who s such a snob ("such a SNOBB"
was his very words !) that I m ashamed to wait on him
who s the laughing-stock of all the gentry and the house
keeper s room too try a man, says he don t be taking
on about such a humbug as Jeames.
"Here young Joe the keaper s sun, who was carrying
my bagg, bust out a-laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitz
warren to turn round and intarupt this polite convasation.
" I was in such a rage. Quit the building, Mary Hann,
says I to the young woman and you, Mr. Fitzwarren,
have the goodness to remain.
" I give you warning, roars he, looking black, blue,
yaller a ll the colours of the ranebo.
" Take hoff your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoun-
drl, says I.
" l It s not your livery, says he.
" Peraps you ll understand me, when I take off my
own, says I, unbuttoning the motherapurls of the Mac-
whirter tartn. Take my jackit, Joe, says I to the boy,
and put myself in a hattatude about which there was no
mistake.
"He s 2 stone heavier than me and knows the use of
his ands as well as most men ; but in a fite, UoocVs every
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 131
think; the Snobb can t stand before the gentleman; and
I should have killed him, I ve little doubt, but they came
and stopt the fite betwigst us before we d had more than 2
rounds.
" I punisht the raskle trernenjously in that time, though ;
and I m writing this in my own sittn-roorn, not being able
to come down to dinner on account of a black-eye I ve got,
which is sweld up and disfiggrs me dredfl."
" On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my
rangcounter with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb
for sevral days, with the rose-coloured curtings of the
apartmint closed, so as to form an agreeable twilike ; and
a light- bloo satting shayd over the injard pheacher. My
woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable ;
and (has the Poick well observs, Nun but the Brayy
desuvs the Fare ) I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the
ladies for my tenipory disfiggarrnent.
" It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an
end to my phisty coughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him
and bare him no malis; but of corse I dismist the irnperent
scoun drill from my survis, apinting Adolphus, my page, to
his post of confidenshle Valley.
" Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying
me con tiny oul visits during my retiremint. Lady Han-
gelina was halways sending me messidges by her : while
my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was al
ways sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now
it was a cooling hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her
Ladyship would perscribe then, agin, it would be a booky
of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and
jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina could
dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho ! those
dear mothers ! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant
young feller, or to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what
awpertunities they will give a man! You d have phansied
132 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
I was so hill (on account of iny black hi) that I couldnt
live exsep upon chicking and spoon-nieat and jellies, and
blemonges, and that I couldnt eat the latter dellixies
(which I ebomminate onternoo, preferring a cut of beef or
muttn to hall the kickpshaws of France) unless Hangelina
brought them. I et era and sacransed myself for her
dear sayk.
" I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old
Lord B. and his son, I had mayd my proposasls for Han
gelina and was acepted, and hoped soon to be made the
appiest gent in Hengland.
" You must break the matter gently to her, said her
hexlent father. You have my warmest wishes, Mr. de la
Pluche, and those of my Lady Bareacres, but I am not
not quite certain about Lady Angelina s feelings. Girls
are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of
prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able
to make Angelina understand the embarrassments of her
family. These silly creatures prate about love and a cot
tage and despise advantages which wiser heads than theirs
know how to estimate/
" Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me? says I,
busting out at this outrayjus ideer.
" ( She will be, my dear sir. You have already pleased
her, your admirable manners must succeed in captivating
her, and a fond father s wishes will be crowned on the day
in which you enter our family/
" Recklect, gents, says I to the 2 lords, * a barging s
a barging I ll pay hoff South down s Jews, when I m his
brother; as a straynger (this I said in a sarcastic toan)
I wouldnt take such a libbaty. When I m your sumnlor
I ll treble the valyou of your estayt. I ll make your in-
cunibrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the noble ouse of
Bareacres to his herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not
the way of transacting bisnis iniployed by Jeames de la
Pluche, Esquire.
" And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of
the greatest scrip-holders in Hengland ; and calculated on
DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 133
a kilossle fortune. All my shares was rising immence.
Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral thowsnds
richer than the day bef or. I was detuminmd not to reerlize
till the proper time, and then to buy istates ; to found a
new famly of Delapluches, and to alie myself with the
aristoxy of my country.
" These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and
hover agin. If you d been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal, ?
says I, I would have married you; and why don t I?
Because my dooty prewents me. I m a marter to dooty;
and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that
ideer.
"There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that
Silvertop and Lady Hangelina to drive me to the same pint.
What a ilucky fellow you were, Pluche, says he (he was
rayther more familiar than I liked), in your fight with
Fitzwarren ! to engage a man of twice your strength and
science, though you were sure to be beaten (this is an
etroashous f olsood : I should have fmnisht Fitz in 10 min
utes), for the sake of poor Mary Hann! That s a gener
ous felloWo I like to see a man risen to eminence like you,
having his heart in the right place. When is to be the
marriage, my boy? ;
" Capting S., says I, my marridge consums your most
umble servnt a precious sight more than you j -and I gev
him to understand I didn t want him to put in his ore I
wasn t afrayd of his whiskers, I prommis you, Capting, as
he was. I m a British Lion, I am ; as brayv as Bonypert,
Hannible, or Holiver Crunimle, and would face bagnits as
well as an Evy Drigoon of em all.
" Lady Hangelina, too igspawstulated in her hartfl. way.
Mr. de la Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point?
You can t suppose that you will be happy with a person
like me?
" ( I adoar you, charming girl ! * says I. ( Never, never
go to say any such thing.
" You adored Mary Ann first; answers her Ladyship;
you can t keep your eyes off her now. If any man courts
134 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
her you grow so jealous that you begin beating him. You
will break the girl s heart if you don t marry her, and per
haps some one else s but you don t mind that.
" Break yours, you adoarible creature! I d die first!
And as for Mary Hann, she will git over it; people s arts
aint broakn so easy. Once for all, sucknistances is changed
betwigst me and er. It s a pang to part with her (says I,
my fine hi s filling with tears), but part from her I must.
" It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady
Harigelina, that melumcolly as she was when she was talk
ing to me, and ever so disrnl, yet she kep on lafnng every
minute like the juice and all.
" What a sacrifice ! says she, it s like Napoleon giving
up Josephine. What anguish it must cause to your sus
ceptible heart !
" It does, says I Hagnies! (Another laff.)
" And if if I don t accept you you will invade the
States of the Emperor, my Papa, and I am to be made the
sacrifice and the occasion of peace between you !
" I don t know what you re eluding to about Joseyfeen
and Hernperors your Pas, but I know that your Pa s
estate is over hedaneers morgidged ; that if some one don t
elp him, he s no better than an old pawper; that he owes
me a lot of money; and that I m the man that can sell him
up hoss & foot; or set him up agen that s what I know,
Lady Angelina, says I, with a hair as much as to say,
( Put that in your ladyship s pipe, and smoke it.
"And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable
paper ennounced
" MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE. We hear that a matrimonial union
is on the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune
in the Railway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose
estates are situated in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this in
teresting event. "
"Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we
reckn upon the fealinx of wimrning?) Mary Hann didn t
seem to be much efected by the hideer of my marridge with
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 135
Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the
fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to giving me
hup, for we Gents are creechers of vannaty after all, as
well as those of the hopsit seeks ; & betwigst you & me
there was mominx, when I al
most whisht that I d been borne
a Myomniidn or Turk, when
the Lor would have permitted
me to marry both these sweet
beinx, wherehas I was now con-
demd to be appy with ony one.
" Mean wild every-think went
on very agreeble betwigst me
and my defianced bride. When
we came back to town I kem-
ishnd Mr. Showery the great
Hoctionear to look out for a
town manshing sootable for a
gent of my quallaty. I got
from the Erald Horns (not The
Mawniny Erald no, no, I m
not such a Mough as to go there
for ackrit infarnation), an ac
count of my famly, my harms
& pedigry.
" I horderd in Long Hacre,
three splendid equipidges, on
which my arms and my adord
wife s was drawn & quartered;
and I got portricks of me and
her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved
to be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that my
character as a man of fashn wasn t coinpleat unless I sat to
that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I presented to
Hangelina. Its not considered flattring here it is and
though she parted with it, as you will hear, mighty wil
lingly, there s one young lady (a thousnd times handsomer)
that values it as the happle of her hi.
136
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
" Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at
iny sale for about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me?
It was bought in by Maryhann, though ; dear Jeam.es/
she says often (kissing of it & pressing it to her art), it
isn t J ansum enough for you, and hasn t got your angel-
lick smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i s.
"Hangelina s pictur was kindly presented to me by
Countess B., her mamma, though of course I paid for it.
It was engraved for The Book of Bewty this year ; and
here is a proof of the etching :
"With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely
have known her but the ands, feat, and i s is very like.
She was painted in a gitar supposed to be singing one of
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 137
my little melladies ; and her brother Southdown, who is one
of the New England poits, wrote the follering stanzys about
her:
LINES UPON MY SISTER S PORTRAIT.
BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN.
The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
I stood upon the donjon keep and view d the country o er,
I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
I stood upon the donjon keep it is a sacred place,
Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race ;
Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
There ne er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior s shield.
The first time England saw the shield twas round a Norman neck,
On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
A Norman lance the colours wore, in Hastings fatal fray
St. Willibald for Bareacres ! twas double gules that day !
O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince !
At Acre with Plautagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears !
Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing :
O ! grant me, sweet Saint Willibald, to listen to such singing !
Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus !
O knights, my noble ancestors ! and shall I never hear
Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
I d cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side !
Dash down, dash down,yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line :
Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
Sing not, sing not, my Angelina ! in days so base and vile,
Twere sinful to be happy, twere sacrilege to smile.
I ll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
I ll muse on other days, and wish and wish I were A Snob.
"All young Hengland, I m told, considers the poim
bewtifle. They re always writing about battleaxis and
138 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
shivvlery, these young chaps j but the ideer of Southdown
in a shoot of ariner, and his cuttin hoff his strong right
hand/ is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit hi, as
rickety as a babby, with a vaist like a gal, and though he
may have the art and t curridge of a Bengal tyger, Fd back
my smallest cab-boy to lick him, that is, if I ad a cab-
boy. But io! my cab days is over."
" Be still my hagnizing Art ! I now am about to hum-
f oald the dark payges of the Istry of my life !
"My f rends! you ve seen me ither2 in the full kerear of
Fortn, prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty j
not dizzy though mounted on the haypix of Good Luck
feasting hall the great (like the Good Old Henglish Gent
in the song, which he has been rny moddle and igsample
through life), but not forgitting the small No, my be-
ayviour to my grandmother at Healing shows that. I bot
her a new donkey cart (what the French call a cart-blansh),
and a handsome set of peggs for anging up her linning,
and treated Huncle Jim to a new shoot of close, which he
ordered in St. Jearn.es s Street, much to the estonishrnent
of my Snyder there, namely an olif-green velvyteen jackit
and smalclose, and a crirnsn plush weskcoat with glas-
buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I
never should have eluded to, but to show that I am natu
rally of a noble sort ; and have that kind of galliant carridge
which is equel to either good or bad forting.
" What was the substus of my last chapter? In that
everythink was prepayred for my marridge the consent of
the parents of my Hangelina was gaynd, the lovely gal
herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to Hiniing s
halter the trosso was hordered, the wedding dresis were
being phitted hon, a weddin-kake weighing half a tunn
was a gettn reddy by Messrs. Gunter, of Buckley Square ;
there was such an account for Shantilly and Honiton laces
as would have staggered hennyboddy (I know they did the
Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit) and has
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 139
for In jar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was
given away no not by His Iness the Injan Prins Jugger
naut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were
from the extablishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer.
The honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excus-
sion, and was in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit
Mr. Hudson s) as my town-house. I waited to cunclude
the putchis untie the Share-Markit which was rayther de-
prest (oing I think not so much to the atax of the misrab-
ble Times , as to the prodidjus flams of The Morning Erald)
was restored to its elthy toan. I wasn t going to part with
scrip which was 20 premium at 2 or 3 ; and bein confidnt
that the Markit would rally, had bought very largely for
the two or three new accounts.
"This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to
womb I gayv orders for a large igstent ow it was that I
couldn t pay their accounts. I am the soal of onour but
no gent can pay when he has no money : it s not my fault
if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred
yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and
seven of the largist In jar Shawls it s not my fault if the
tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that Lady B.
declared they were lost. I began the world afresh with the
close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing
nothink, giving hup heverythink, Onist and undismayed,
and though beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin
agin.
" Well it was the day before that apinted for my
Uniuin. The Ringdove steamer was lying at Dover ready
to carry us hoff . The Bridle apartrnince had been hordered
at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare the very
table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in 111 Street,
and the Bride s Eight Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop
of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium.
All the papers were full of it. Crowds of the fashnable
world went to see the trooso ; and admire the Carridges in
Long Hacre. Our travleng charret (light bloo lined with
pink satting, and vermillium and goold weals) was the
140 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
hadmaration of all for quiet ellygens. We were to travel
only 4, viz., me, my lady, my vally, and Mary Hann as
famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our
match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and
laught and joakt, and enjoy d our plans for the fewter
igseedinkly.
"I d left my lovely Bride very gay the night before
aving a multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers 7 &
bankers accounts to settle: atsettrey atsettrey. It was
layt bef or I got these in horder : my sleap was f eavrish, as
most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be
hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one ; tride on my
wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me ex
ceedingly.
" One thing distubbed my mind two weskts had been
sent home. A blush- white satting and gold, and a kinary
coloured tabbinet imbridered in silver; which should I
wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated and perplext
me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street
and cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be
my hallinhall: and wear whichever she phixt on.
" There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in
111 Street : which I etribyouted to the eproaching event.
The old porter stared most uncommon when I kern in
the footman who was to enounce me laft I thought I was
going upstairs
" Her ladyship s not not at home," says the man;
" and my lady s hill in bed.
" ( Git lunch, says I, * I ll wait till Lady Hangelina re
turns.
" At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his
cheex blown out like a bladder, and then busts out in a
reglar guffau ! the porter jined in it, the impident old raskle :
and Thomas says, slapping his and on his thy, without
the least respect / say, Huffy, old boy! ISN T this a
good un ?
" Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel, says I, hol
laring and laffing at me?
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 141
" here s Miss Mary Harm, coining up, says Thomas,
f ask her and indeed there came my little Mary Hann
tripping down the stairs her &s in her pockits ; and when
she saw me she began to blush & look hod & then to grin
too.
" In the name of Imperence, says I, rushing on
Thomas, and collaring him fit to throttle him, no raskle
of a flunky shall insult me, and I sent him staggerin up
against the porter, and both of em into the hall-chair with
a flopp when Mary Hann, jumping down, says James!
O Mr. Plush! read this -and she pulled out a billy doo.
" I reckanized the and- writing of Hangelina."
"Deseatful Hangelina s billy ran as follows:
" ( I had all along hoped that you would have relin
quished pretensions which you must have seen were so dis
agreeable to me ; and have spared me the painful necessity
of the step which I am compelled to take. For a long time I
could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to sac
rifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I
cannot undergo the shame and misery of a union with you.
To the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only
now anticipate, by a few hours, my departure from the
home from which they themselves were about to expel me.
" When you receive this, I shall be united to the person
to whom, as you are aware, my heart was given long ago.
My parents are already informed of the step I have taken.
And I have my own honour to consult, even before their
benefit; they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before
long.
" As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm
your exquisite feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind to
console you. She admires you as you deserve to be ad
mired, and with a constancy which I entreat you to try and
imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try for the sake of
your sincere friend and admirer. A.
142 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
" P.S. I leave the wedding dresses behind for her;
the diamonds are beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush
admirably.
" This was hall ! Confewshn ! And there stood the foot
men sniggerin, and thathojous Mary Ann half a cryin, half
a laffing at me! Who has she gone hoff with? rors I,
and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just touched the top
of one of the Johns canes who was goin out with the noats
to put hoff the brekf st. It was Silvertop then !
" I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsite-
ment !
"The storry of that iloapmint / have no art to tell.
Here it is from The Morning Tatler newspaper."
ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE.
THE ONLY AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT.
" The neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole
fashionable world, has been thrown into a state of the most
painful excitement by an event which has just placed a
noble family in great perplexity and affliction.
" It has long been known among the select nobility and
gentry that a marriage was on the tapis between the only
daughter of a Noble Earl, and a Gentleman whose rapid
fortunes in the railway world have been the theme of gen
eral remark. Yesterday s paper, it was supposed in all
human probability, would have contained an account of
the marriage of James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady
Angelina , daughter of the Eight Honorable the Earl
of B-re-cres. The preparations for this ceremony were
complete; we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich trous
seau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall) ; the mag
nificent jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and
Mortimer; the elegant marriage cake, which already cut
up and portioned, is, alas ! not destined to be eaten by the
friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb carriages, and
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 143
magnificent liveries which had been provided in a style of
the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Eight Eev-
erend the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in
town to celebrate the nuptials, and is staying at Mivart s.
What must have been the feelings of that venerable prelate,
what those of the agonised and noble parents of the Lady
Angelina when it was discovered, on the day previous
to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal
mansion ! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble
niece s departure might have been fatal; we have it from
the waiters of Mivart s that his Lordship was about to
indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news
was brought to him ; immediate apoplexy was apprehended ;
but Mr. Macann, the celebrated Surgeon, of Westminster,
was luckily passing through Bond Street at the time, and
being promptly called in, bled and relieved the exemplary
patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace, Bullock-
smithy, to-morrow.
" The frantic agonies of the Eight Honorable the Earl of
Bareacres can be imagined by every paternal heart. Far
be it from us to disturb impossible is it for us to describe
their noble sorrow. Our reporters have made inquiries
every ten minutes at the Earl s mansion in Hill Street,
regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incompara
ble Countess. They have been received with a rudeness
which we deplore but pardon. One was threatened with
a cane; another, in the pursuit of his official inquiries,
was saluted with a pail of water ; a third gentleman was
menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship s porter;
but being of the Irish Nation, a man of spirit and sinew
and Master of Arts of Trinity College, Dublin, the gentle
man of our establishment confronted the menial, and hav
ing severely beaten him, retired to a neighbouring hotel
much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobil
ity, and there obtained what we believe to be the MOST
ACCURATE PARTICULARS of this extraordinary occurrence.
" George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the estab
lishment of Lord Bareacres, stated to our employe as fol-
7 Vol. 19
144 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
lows: Lady Angelina has been promised to Mr. De la
Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide that
gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants hall.
Previous to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a
domestic capacity. At that period he had offered marriage
to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the quality of
ladies maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was em
ployed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently ladies maid
to Lady Angelina the elopement was arranged between
those two. It was Miss Hoggins who delivered the note
which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his loss.
" Samuel Buttons, page to the Eight Honorable the Earl
of Bareacres, was ordered on Friday forenoon at eleven
o clock to fetch a cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street.
He selected the cab, No. 19,796, driven by George Greg
ory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clona kilty, in the neigh
bourhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and
waited, according to his instructions, at the corner of Berke
ley Square with the vehicle. His young lady, accompanied
by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a band
box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box :
what were the contents of that box we have never been
able to ascertain. On asking her ladyship whether he
should order the cab to drive in any particular direction, he
was told to drive to Madame Crinoline s, the eminent milli
ner, in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether
he should accompany her ladyship, Buttons was peremp
torily ordered by Miss Hoggins to go about his business.
"Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in
search of cab 19,796, or rather of the driver of that vehi
cle, who was discovered with no small difficulty at his resi
dence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln s Inn Fields, where he
lives with his family of nine children. Having received
two sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his
regular fare, by the way, would have been only one and
eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab for the
two last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless
intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 145
to the queries of our reporter; and, had not that gentleman
been himself a compatriot, it is probable he would have re
fused altogether to satisfy the curiosity of the public.
"At Madame Crinoline s, Miss Hoggins quitted the car
riage, and a gentleman entered it. Macarty describes him
as a very clever gentleman (meaning tall) with black mous
taches, Oxford-grey trousers, and black hat and a pea-coat.
He drove the couple to the Euston Square Station, and
there left them. How he employed his time subsequently
we have stated.
"At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our
establishment learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter
there, that a gentleman answering the above description
had taken places to Derby. We have despatched a con
fidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and shall
give his reports in a second edition,
SECOND EDITION.
FROM OUR REPORTER.
NEWCASTLE: Monday.
" I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the Elephant
and Cucumber Hotel. A party travelling under the name
of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, the gentleman wearing moustaches,
and having with them a blue band-box, arrived by the train
two hours before me, and have posted onwards to Scotland.
I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot,
as they are putting to. 7
THIRD EDITION.
GRETNA. GREEN : Monday Evening.
" The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at
four o clock, the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green,
celebrated the marriage between George Granby Silvertop,
Esq. , a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third son of Gen
eral John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and
146 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
Lady Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the
present Earl of Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia
Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina Alicompania Annemaria
Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl Bareacres. "
(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in
the Book of Common Prayer which was not read on the oc
casion and need not be repeated here.)
" f After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a
slight refreshment of sherry and water the former the
Captain pronounced to be execrable; and, having myself
tasted some glasses from the very same bottle with which
the young and noble pair were served, I must say, I think
the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the Bag
pipes Hotel and Posting House, whence they instantly
proceeded. I follow them as soon as the horses have fed/
FOURTH EDITION.
SHAMEFUL TREATMENT OF OUR REPORTER.
WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B. : Monday, midnight.
" I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours
after the newly-married couple, whose progress I have had
the honour to trace, reached Whistlebinkie. They have
taken up their residence at the Cairngorm Arms mine
are at the other hostelry, the Clachan of Whistlebiukie.
" On driving up to the Cairngorm Arms, I found a gen
tleman of military appearance standing at the door, and
occupied seemingly in smoking a cigar. It was very dark
as I descended from my carriage, and the gentleman in
question exclaimed, "Is it you, Southdown, my boy? You
have come too late; unless you are come to have some sup
per; or words to that effect. I explained that I was not
the Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely apprised Cap
tain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the individual before
me could be no other) of his mistake.
" " Who the deuce " (the Captain used a stronger term)
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 147
"are you, then? " said Mr. Silvertop. "Are you Baggs &
Tapewell, my uncle s attorneys? If you are, you have
come too late for the fair."
" I briefly explained that I was not Baggs & Tapewell,
but that my name was J ms, and that I was a gentleman
connected with the Establishment of The Morning Tattler
newspaper.
" " And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tat
tler? " asked rny interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer
was frank that the disappearance of a noble lady from the
house of her friends had caused the greatest excitement in
the metropolis, and that my employers were anxious to
give the public every particular regarding an event so
singular.
" "And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged
me all the way from London, and that my family affairs
are to be published for the readers of The Morning Tattler
newspaper! The Morning Tattler be " (the Captain
here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat),
"and you too, sir; you impudent meddling scoundrel."
" " Scoundrel, sir ! said I. " Yes," replied the irate
gentleman, seizing me rudely by the collar, and he would
have choked me, but that ray blue satin stock and false col
lar gave way, and were left in the hands of this gentleman.
"Help, landlord," I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe,
"murder," and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I
appealed to the crowd, which by this time was pretty con
siderable ; they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst into
laughter and called out, " Give it him, Captain." A strug
gle ensued, in which, I have no doubt, I should have had
the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the
general and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I
fell down, stopped and said, " Well, Jims, I won t fight on
my marriage-day. Go into the tap, Jims, and order a glass
of brandy-and-water at my expense and mind I don t see
your face to-morrow morning, or I ll make it more ugly
than it is."
" i With these gross expressions and a cheer from the
148 IARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
crowd, Mr. Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that
I did not partake of his hospitality, and that personally I
despise his insults. I make them known that they may
call down the indignation of the body of which I am a
member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public,
as a gentleman shamefully assaulted and insulted in the
discharge of a public duty/
"Thus you ve sean how the flower of my affeckshns
was tawn out of my busm, and my art was left bleading.
Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou be appy! If ever
artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink on
whomb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn
in your be^ !
" I went home like a rnaniack, after hearing the enounce-
ment of Hangelina s departer. She d been gone twenty
hours when I heard the fatle noose. Purshoot was vain.
Suppose I did kitch her up, they were married, and what
could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl Bare-
acres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with
me. Er who was to have been my mother- in-lor, the
Countiss, I never from that momink sor agin. My presnts,
troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back with the igsepshn of
the diminds & Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship coodn t
find. Ony it was wisperd that at the next buthday she
was seen with a shawl igsackly of the same patn. Let er
keep it.
" Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the
ewent, and wanted me to advance 50 lb., so that he might
purshew his fewgitif sister but I wasn t to be ad with
that sort of chaugh; there was no more money for that
famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feel-
inx in a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the
Bel Asombly.
" All the juilers, rnanchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders,
apolstrers, hors dealers, and weddencake makers came
pawring in with their bills, haggravating feelings already
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 149
woondid beyond enjurants. That madnis didn t seaze me
that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack d
my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink
ilds. Hall night I follered Hangelinar in imadganation
along the North Road. I wented cusses & mallydickshuns
on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in my unhut-
tarable whoe ! I seazd my pillar; I pitcht into it : puinmld
it, strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop
writhing in my Jint grasp ; and taw the hordayshis Villing
lim from lim in the tenable strenth of my despare ! . . .
Let me drop a cutting over the niemries of that night.
When my boddy-suvnt came with my Ot water in the
mawning, the livid Copse in the charnill was not payler
than the gashly De la Pluche !
" Give me the Share-list, Mandeville, I micanickly
igsclairned. I had not perused it for the 3 past days, my
etention being engayged elseware. Hvns & huth ! what
was it I red there? What was it that made me spring
outabed as if sum baby had given me cold pig I red Rewin.
in that Share-list the Panick was in full hoparation.
*
" Shall I discribe that Kitastrafy with which hall Heng-
land is fimiliar? My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns
which lassarated my bleeding art in Hocotober last. On
the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of twenty-
three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and
worth at least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare s
day, my Saint Helena s quotid at 14 pm were down at -J
discount; my Central Ichaboes at -- discount; my Table
Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where ; my Bather-
shins and Derryname Beg, of which I d bought 2000 for
the account at 17 primmium down to nix ; my Juan Fernan
dez, & my Great Central Oregons, prostrit. There was a
mornint when I thought I shouldn t be alive to write my
own tail ! "
(Here follow in Mr. Plush s MS. about twenty-four pages
of railroad calculations, which we pretermit. )
150 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
" Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and
umble, wrote me a threatnen letter because I overdrew my
account three and sixpence; woodn t advance me five
thousnd on 250,000 worth of scrip ; kep me waiting 2 hours
when I asked to see the house ; and then sent out Spout,
the jewnior partner, saying they woodn t discount my
paper, and implawed me to clothes my account. I did : I
paid the three and six ballince, and never sor em mor.
"The market fell daily. The Eewin grew wusser and
wusser, Hagnies, Hagnies! It wasn t in the city aloan my
misfortns came upon me. They beerded me in my own
Ome. The JBiddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn
keep Misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of
Pall Mall, and Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution
into my apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furni
ture. Wardrobe and furniture of a man of fashion.
What an aclwertisement George Eobins did make of it;
and what a crowd was collected to laff at the prospick of
my ruing ! My chice plait ; my seller of wine ; my picturs
that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless her!
that bought it, unbeknown to me) ; all all went to the
animer. That brootle Fitzwarren, my exvally, womb I
met, fimiliarly slapt me on the sholder and said, Jeames,
my boy, you d best go into survis aginn.
" I did go into survis the wust of all suvvices I went
into the Queen s Bench Prison, and lay there a miserable
captif for 6 mortial weeks. Misrabble shall I say? No,
not misrabble altogether, there was sunlike in the dunjing
of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to drive
hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a wash yw Oman s cart,
with a fat old lady in it, and a young one. Who was that
young one? Every one who has an art can gess, it was my
blue-eyed blushing Hangel of a Mary Hann. Shall we
take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma? Mary
Hann said. Bless her, she d already learned to say grand
mamma quite natral; but I didn t go out that way; I went
out by the door a white-washed man. Ho, what a feast
there was at Healing the day I came out! I d thirteen
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 151
shillings left when I d bought the gold ring. I wasn t
prowd. I turned the mangle for three weeks ; and then
Uncle Bill said, Well, there is some good in the feller ;
and it was agreed that we should marry. "
The Plush manuscript finishes here : it is many weeks
since we saw the accomplished writer, and we have only
just learned his fate. We are happy to state it is a com
fortable and almost a prosperous one.
The Honorable and Eight Reverend Lionel Thistlewood,
Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle
of Lady Angelina Silvertop. Her elopement with her
cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable prelate ; he
returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had
been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he
married three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church
of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy.
The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved.
As he was preparing a charge to his clergy in his study
after dinner, the Lord Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit
of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his accustomed dish
of devilled-kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable
form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira
in his hand ; but life was extinct ; and surgical aid was
therefore not particularly useful.
All the late prelate s wives had fortunes, which the ad
mirable man increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases
which fell in during his episcopacy, etc. He left three
hundred thousand pounds divided between his nephew
and niece not a greater sum than has been left by several
deceased Irish prelates.
What Lord Southdown has done witk his share we are
not called upon to state. He has composed an epitaph to
the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which does him infinite
credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina Sil
vertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and
affectionate servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage
with Mr. James Plush, to whom her Ladyship also made a
152 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
handsome present namely, the lease, goodwill, and fix
tures of the " Wheel of Fortune " public house, near Shep-
pherd s Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by
all the nobility s footmen, doing a genteel stroke of busi
ness in the neighbourhood, and where, as we have heard,
the Butlers Club is held.
Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interest
ing wife; reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was
to a humbler and a higher one before. He has shaved off
his whiskers, and accommodates himself to an apron with
perfect good-humour. A gentleman connected with this
establishment dined at the Wheel of Fortune, the other
day, and collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush
blushed rather, as he brought in the first dish, and told
his story very modestly over a pint of excellent port. He
had only one thing in life to complain of, he said that a
witless version of his adventures had been produced at the
Princess s Theatre, "without with your leaf or by your
leaf," as he expressed it. "Has for the rest," the worthy
fellow said, "I m appy praps betwigst you and me I m in
my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port (with
your elth & my suvvice to you, Sir) quite as much as my
clarrit in my prawsprus days. I ve a good busniss, which
is likely to be better. If a man can t be appy with such a
wife as my Mary Hann, he s a beest; and when a christen
ing takes place in our famly, will you give my compliments
to Mr. Punch, and ask him to be godfather."
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 153
JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS.
"PERAPS at this present mornink of Railway Hagetation
and unsafe ty the folly ing little istory of a young friend of
mine may hact as an olesome warning to hother week and
hirresolute young gents.
" Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a
respectable cludgynian in the West of Hengland. Hadopted
by his uncle, Colonel T- , of the Hoss-Mareens, and
regardless of expence, this young man was sent to Heaton
Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very
nearly being Senior Rangier. He came to London to
study for the lor. His prospix was bright indead ; and He
lived in a secknd flore in Jerniing Street, having a ginteal
inkum of two hunderd Ibs. per hannum.
" With this andsurn enuity it may be supposed that
Frederick wanted for nothink. Nor did he. He was a
moral and well-educated young man, who took care of his
close ; pollisht his hone tea-party boots ; cleaned his kidd-
gloves with injer rubber ; and, when not invited to dine out,
took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club
where (unless somebody treated him) he was never known
to igseed his alf-pint of Marsally Wine.
" Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass un-
perseavd in the world. Admitted to the most fashnabble
parties, it wasn t long befor sevral of the young ladies
viewed him with a favorable i; one, expecially, the lovely
Miss Hernily Mulligatawney, daughter of the Heast-Injar
Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal of all
the season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His
haspirations were on the pint of being crowndid with suc
cess ; and it was agreed that as soon as he was called to
the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a Judge, or a
154 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
revising barrister, or Lord Chanslor, lie should lead her to
the halter.
"What life could be more desirable than Frederick s?
He gave up his mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr.
Bluebag, the heminent pleader ; he devoted his hevenings
to helegant sosiaty at his- Clubb, or with his hadord Hem-
ily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies ; he
never was known to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip
top friends lent it him ; to go to a theayter unless he got a
horder ; or to henter a tavern or smoke a cigar. If pros-
perraty was hever chocked out, it was for that young
man.
" But suckmstances arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore
Frederick Timmins. The Railway Hoperations began.
"For some time, imrnerst in lor and love, in the hardent
hoccupations of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his
Hemily, Frederick took no note of railroads. He did not
reckonize the jigantic revalution which with hiron strides
was a-walkin over the country. But they began to be
talked of even in his quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford
and Cambridge Clubb, fellers were a speckulatin. Tom
Trumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared four thowsnd Ib. ; Bob
Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his proppaty gam
bling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who
had won it, had won a small istate besides by lucky speck-
lations in the Share Markit.
" Hevery body won. Why shouldn t I, thought pore
Fred; and having saved 100 Ib., he began a-writin for
shares using, like an ickonominicle feller as he was, the
Club paper to a prodigious igstent. All the Kailroad
directors, his friends, helped him to shares the allottrnents
came tumbling in he took the primmiums by fifties and
hundreds a day. His desk was cramd full of bank notes :
his brane world with igsitement.
" He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be
seen hall day about Capel Court. He took no mor hinterest
in lor ; but his whole talk was of railroad lines. His desk
at Mr. Bluebag s was filled full of prospectissies, and that
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 155
legal gent wrote to Fred s uncle, to say he feared he was
neglectin his bisniss.
" Alass ! he was neglectin it, and all his sober and indus- .
terous habits. He begann to give dinners, and thought
nothin of party s to Greenwich or Richmond. He didn t
see his Hemily near so often : although the hawdacious
and misguided young man might have done so much more
heasily now than before : for now he kep a Broom !
" But there s a tumrninus to hevery Railway. Fred s was
approachin ; in an evil hour he began making time-bar g ings,
Let this be a warning to all young fellers, and Fred s hun-
timely hend hoperate on them in a moral pint of vu !
" You all know under what f avrabble suckemstansies the
Great Hafrican Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold
Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal) Hatmospheric Railway
came out four weeks ago : deposit ninepence per share of
201. (six elephant s teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or four
healthy niggers, African currency) the shares of this
helegeble investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit A
happy man was Fred when, after paying down 100 nine-
pences (31. 15s.), he sold his shares for 2501. He gave a
dinner at the Star and Garter that very day I promise
you there was no Marsally there.
"Nex day they were up at 3^. This put Fred in a rage :
they rose to 5, he was in a fewry. What an ass I was to
sell, said he, when all this money was to be won! 7
" And so you were an Ass, said his partickler friend,
Colonel Claw, K.X.R., a director of the line, l a double-
eared Ass. My dear feller, the shares will be at 15 next
week. Will you give me your solemn word of honour
not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell
you?
" Honour bright, 7 says Fred.
" ( HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE. Fred didn t say a
word more, but went tumbling down to the City in his
Broom. You know the state of the streats. Claw went
by water.
" Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th, cries
156 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
Fred, busting into his broker s; and they were done for
him at 4J.
*
"Can t you guess the rest? Haven t you seen the Share
List? which says :
Great Africans, paid $d. ; price J par.
" And that s what came of my pore dear friend Timrnins s
time- barging.
"What 11 become of him I can t say: for nobody has
seen him since. His lodgings in Jerniing Street is to let.
His brokers in vain deplore his absence. His Uncle has
declared his marriage with his housekeeper ; and the Morn
ing Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in
the fashnabble news, headed Marriage in High Life. The
rich and beautiful Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place,
is to be speedily united to Colonel Claw, K.X.R.
"JEAMES."
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 157
JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION.
ME. PUNCH has received from that eminent railroad au
thority Mr. Jeames Plush, the f olloAving letter, which bears
most pathetically upon the present Gauge dispute :
"You will scarcely praps rekonize in this little skitch.
the haltered liniments of 1, with woos face the reders of
your valluble mislny were once firniliar, the unfortnt
Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated in the fashnabble
suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the Wheel
of Fortune public house. Yes, that is me ; that is my hay-
pun which I wear as becomes a publican those is the
checkers which hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am
like the Bomin Genral, St. Cenatus, equal to any emud-
gency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang in my time,
aint now abov droring a -j- pint of Small Bier. As for my
wife that Angel I ve not ventured to depigt her. Fansy
her a-sittn in the Bar, sinilin like a sunflower and, ho,
dear Punch ! happy in missing a deer little darlint totsy-
wotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and my i s to
aT!
" I never thought I should have been injuiced to write
anything but a Bill agin, much less to edress you on Kail-
way Subjix which with all my sole 1 abaw. Railway
letters, obligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys as to my
Salissator s name, etc., etc., I dispize and scorn artily.
But as a man, an usbnd, a father and a freebon Brittn, my
jewty compels me to come forwoods, and igspress my opin
ion upon that nashnal neivsance THE BREAK OF GAGE.
"An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I
once very nearly had the honer of being kinected, acurd a
few weex sins, when the Lady Angelina S , daughter
of the Earl of B cres, presented the gallant Capting, her
158 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would satasfy her
Ladyship but that her old and atacht famdy-shamber, my
wife Mary Hann Plush, should be presnt upon this hispi-
cious occasion. Capting S was not jellus of me on
account of my former attachment to his Lady. I cunsented
that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife,
and our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable
frend s residence, Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham.
" Sick of all Kailroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a
Chay and 4, but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her
Sex, was bent upon a Railroad travelling, and I yealded,
like all husbinds. We set out by the Great Westn, in an
eavle Hour.
" We didn t take much luggitch my wife s things in the
ushal band-boxes mine in a potmancho. Our dear little
James Angelo s (called so in cornplainent to his noble God-
mamma) craddle, and a small supply of a few 100 weight
of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady s fingers,
for that dear child who is now 6 months old, with a per-
didgus appatite. Likewise we were charged with a bran
new Medsan chest for my lady, from Skivary & Moris, con
taining enough rewbub, Daffy s Alixir, Godfrey s caw die
with a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina s family
and owsehold; about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning
from Mrs. Fluniinary s in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning
bowl from old Lady Bareacres (big enough to immus a
Halderman), & a case marked l Glass from her ladyship s
nieddicle man, which were stowed away together ; had to
this an ormylew Cradle, with rose-coloured Satting & Pink
lace hangings held up by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had,
ingluding James Hangelo s rattle & my umbrellow, 73
packidges in all.
" We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the
Splendid Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely
gals in cottn velvet spencers, who serves out the soop,
and 1 of whom maid an impresshn upon this Art which 1
shoodn t like Mary Hann to know and here, to our in-
fanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 159
we were in the secknd class, having with us Janies Angelo,
and 23 other light harticles.
"Fust inconveniance ; and almost as bad as break of
gage. I cast my hi upon the gal in cottn velvet and
wanted some soop, of coarse ; but seasing up James Han-
gelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an Am Sang-
widg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi James/ says Mary
Hann, instead of looking at that young lady and not so
very young, neither be pleased to look to our packidges
& place them in the other carridge. I did so with an evy
Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the opsit carridg, only
missing my umbrella & baby s rattle; and jest as I came
back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the
whizzling injians proclayins the time of our departure, &
farewell soop and cottn velvet. Mary Hann was sulky.
She said it was my losing the umbrella. If it had been a
cotton velvet umbrella I could have understood. James
Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell ; without
his coral : & for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawr-
ing which caused all the passingers to simpithize with him
igseedingly.
" We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at
bein ableeged to undergo another change of carriages!
Fansy me holding up moughs, tippits, cloaks, and baskits,
and James Hangelo rawring still like mad, and pretending
to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the
broad gage to the narrow gage. Mary Hann, says I, rot
to desperation, I shall throttle this darling if he goes on S
( Do, says she and go into the refreshment room/ says
she a-snatchin the babby out of my arms. Do go, says
she, you re not fit to look after luggage, and she began
lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she
looked after the packets with the other. Now, Sir, if you
please, mind that packet ! pretty darling easy with that
box, Sir, it s glass pooooty poppet! where s the deal
case, marked arrowroot, No. 24? she cried, reading out
of a list she had. And poor little James went to sleep.
The porters were bundling and carting the various harti-
160 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
cles with no more ceremony than if each package had been
of cannon-ball.
"At last bang goes a package marked Glass, arid con
taining the Chayny bowl and Lady Bareacres mixture, into
a large white band-box, with a crash and a smash. It s
My Ladjr s box from Crinoline s! cries Mary Hann, and
she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward
to inspect the darnniidge. You could hear the Chayny
bowls clinking inside; and Lady B. s mixture (which had
the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was dribbling out over
the smashed band-box, containing a white child s cloak,
trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting.
" As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncom
mon hungry, I thought I would go into the Refreshment
Room and just take a little soup; so I wrapped him up in
his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off.
There s not near such good attendance as at Swindon.
" We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of
us covered with a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so
sulky that she would not speak for some minutes. At last
she spoke out
" Have you all the small parcels?
" f Twenty-three in all, says I.
t(s Then give me baby/
" GIVE YOU WHAT ? says I.
" Give me baby.
" What haven t y-y-yoooo got him? says I.
* *
" Mussy ! You should have heard her sreak ! We d
left Mm on the ledge at Gloster.
"It all came of the break of gage.
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 161
MR. JEAMES AGAIN.
"DEAR MR. PUNCH,
"As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my
privit ressdence, The Wheel of Fortune Otel, and at your
Horns, regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Han-
gelo, whose primmiture disappearnts caused such hagnies
to his distracted parents, I must begg, dear Sir, the per
mission to ockupy a part of your vauble collams once more,
and hease the public mind about my blessid boy.
" Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me
and Mrs. Plush was left in the train to Cheltenham,
soughring from that most disgreeble of complaints, a hal-
rnost broken Art. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be
said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rushfc
into that fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found
it was not Baby, but Bundles I had in my lapp.
" When the old Dowidger, Lady Bareacres, who was
waiting heagerly at the train, that owing to that abawmin-
able brake of Gage, the luggitch, her Ladyship s Cherry-
brandy box, the cradle for Lady Hagelina s baby, the lace,
crockary and chany was rejuiced to one immortial smash ;
the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if
it was huss, and not the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to
blame ; and as if we ad no misf ortns of our hown to de-
plaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called
Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and wep and
abewsd and took on about her broken Chayny Bowl a great
deal mor than she did about a dear little Christian child.
Don t talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby (seshe),
1 where s my bowl? where s my medsan? where s my
bewtiffle Pint lace? All in ruins through your stupidaty,
you brute, you.
" Bring your haction against the Great Western,
162 DIARY OF C. JBAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
Maam, says I, quite riled by this crewel and unfealing
hold wixen. Ask the pawters at Gloster, why your goods
is spiled it s not the fust time they ve been asked the
question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you
send for medsan and meanwild buy some at the Plow
they keep it very good and stong there, I ll be bound.
Has for us, we re a-going back to the cussid station at
Gloster, in such if our blessid child.
" You don t mean to say, young woman, seshee, that
you re not going to Lady Hangelina: what s her dear boy
to do? who s to nuss it?
" You nuss it, Maam, says I, Me and Mary Hann re
turn this momint by the Fly. And so (whishing her a
suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I lep into a one-oss
weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to Gloster.
"I can t describe my pore gal s hagny juring our ride.
She sat in the carridge as silent as a milestone, and as
madd as a march Air. When we got to Gloster she sprang
hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to the station up
to the fatle Bench.
" My child, my child, shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice,
Where s my infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,
-dear Mr. Policeman, give it me a thousand guineas for
it.
" Faix, Mam, ? says the man, a Hirishman, and the
divvle a babby have I seen this day, except thirteen of my
own and you re welcome to any one of them and kindly.
" As if his babby was equal to ours, as my darling Mary
Hann said, afterwards. All the station was scrouging
round us by this time pawters & clarx and refreshmint
people and all. What s this year row about that there
babby? at last says the Inspector ? stepping hup. I
thought my wife was going to jump into his harms.
Have you got him? says she.
" Was it a child in a blue cloak? says he.
" And blue eyes ! says my wife.
" I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he s
there by this time. The Guard of the Mail took him and
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 163
put him in a letter-box/ says he, he went 20 minutes ago.
We found him on the broad gauge line, and sent him on by
it, in course/ says he. And it ll be a caution to you,
young woman, for the future to label your children along
with the rest of your luggage.
" If my piguniary means had been such as once they was,
you may emadgine I d ave ad a speshle train and been
hoff like smoak. As it was, we was obliged to wait 4 mor-
tial hours for the nex train. (4 ears they seemed to us)
and then away we went.
" My boy ! my little boy ! says poor, choking Mary
Hann, when we got there. A parcel in a blue cloak/ says
the man? f No body claimed him here, and so we sent
him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him
some supper, and he s at Paddington by this time. Yes/
says he, looking at the clock, he s been there these ten
minutes.
"But seeing my poor wife s distracted histarricle state
this good-naturd man says, I think, my dear, there s a
way to ease your mind. We ll know in five minutes how
he is.
" Sir/ says she, don t make sport of me.
" No, my dear, we ll telegraph him !
" And he began hopparatiug on that singular and ingenus
electrickle inwention, which aniliates time, and carries in
telligence in the twinkling of a peg-post.
" I ll ask/ says he, for child marked G. W.273.
"Back comes the telegraph with the sign, All right.
" Ask what he s doing, sir/ says my wife, quite amazed.
Back comes the answer in a Jiffy
" C.K.Y.I.N.G.
" This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore
Mary Hann, who pull d a very sad face.
"The good-naterd feller presently said * he d have an
other trile; and what d ye think was the answer? I m
blest if it wasn t
" P.A.P.
"He was eating pap! There s for you there s a rogue
164 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
for you there s a March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled
now for the fust time. He ll sleep now, 7 says she. And
she sat down with a full hart.
" If hever that good-natured Shooperintendent comes to
London, he need never ask for his skore at the Wheel of
Fortune Hotel, I promise you where me and my wife and
James Hangelo now is ; and where only yesterday a gent
came in and drew this pictur of us in our bar.
" And if they go on breaking gages j and if the child, the
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 165
most precious luggidge of the Henglishmaii is to be bun
dled about in. this year way, why it won t be for want of
warning, both from Professor Harris, the Commission, and
from
"My dear Mr. Punch s obeajent servant,
"JEAMES PLUSH."
166 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
ME. JEAMES S SENTIMENTS ON THE
CAMBRIDGE ELECTION.
TO ME. PUNCH.
"DEAR MR. P.,
" Some vulgar & raddicle igspreshns in the last number
of your mislany in juice me to edress you I mean those in
which you indulch in mean snears at the conduck of the
Donns of Cambritch Unavussaty.
" Being only an individgl, and not a Unavussaty mann, it
ill becomes me, I know, to put in my or in the dispute
about the Cambridg Chanslor. My vote (did I pesess that
facklty) would be where, I needn say. Art and sole
with my Prins and Koil Concert of my Crownd.
" My sentinience is those of Doctor Whyouwewyouwhe-
well. I ve stood behind his chair in fommer days, where I
instantly reckonised his elygnt urbannaty, his retiring
modesty, his unfained urnillaty, and his genuin cuttisy,
jest as Anti-Junius in the Times, igspresses em and
I ve no doubt his pupils was his absobbing care. I ve
heerd say, by gents who were at Cambridg College, that his
love for the young fellers was ackshly affecting to see;
that one of em was never ill, but he sor him take his med-
san and put his feet in hot water; that he wrote to the
Mars of every 1 of them every mawning ; that he used to
weap when they went ome for the oladays ; that he ruined
himself in making em. presents, and giving em. parties; in
a wud, there was no end to his kindness and femilliar re
gard for em.
"If he doesn t allow young gentlemen to sit down in his
presents now : you must remember, Mr. Punch, that the
purshoots of these Schudents is already seduterry : and
it s unwholesome for em to be too long in a sittn postar.
" This however is not the pint which I wish at present to
DIARY OF C. JEAMES BE LA PLUCHE. 167
udj. What I like, is the bust of loilty which has placed
my Prints at the head of the pole ; and that manly exabi-
tion of indipendns which has caused Masters of Arts &
Brittns to rally round him. Manly a Brittn ahvays is
there s no truckling about us we never kiss a great
man s shoo-strings; and if the Unavussaty chooses a
Young Jumman Prince of sixntwenty for its Chanslor de
pend on it it ad its reasns. Depend on it he ll be an honor
to his Halmymater. He was chose not on account of his
exalted rank but on account of his { admirable virtues it
was them that made him Chanslor, and no mistake.
" Y you ve only to read his Boil Highness own roil
note in reply to the Cambridg requisishn to convints you
he s not a common man I think it beats every think in
pint of style, in neatness of erangemint, and felissaty of
igspreshn.
" The expression of the wish upon the part of so numer
ous and influential a portion of the Senate of the U. of C.,
including so many eminent names, that I should allow my
self to be proposed for election into the vacant office of C.
of the U. cannot be otherwise than highly gratifying to my
feelings. Did it not appear from proceedings entered into
by others in the University that there does not exist that
unanimity which alone would leave me at liberty to con
sent to be put in nomination, I should have felt both the
greatest pleasure and pride in acceding to the desire ex
pressed in this address, and so personally connecting my
self with your ancient and renowned seat of learning.
"There s a stile for you, dear Mr. P. The expression
of the wish upon the part of a portion of the senate includ
ing so many eminent names, there s writing, see how the
preposishns back up that sentns ! The wish upon the part
of a portion of the senate, - -isn t that neat? and, includ
ing so many eminent names, --how plesntly that phrase
comes in ! It may be
1. The senate includes eminent names,
2. The wish includes eminent names,
3. The expression includes eminent names,
8 Vol. 19
168 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
or quite the revuss, or any way you chews it s elygant
however you take it.
" And * did it not appear that there does not exist that
unanimity of feeling, I should have felt both the greatest
pleasure and pride there s a happy modesty about that
igspreshn which amounts to perfect Poitry. Unless the
Universaty s unanimous unless every man every poor
curick in Northumberland every pius Bishop in Wesmis-
ter is brought to see that the Prince must be Chanslor,
that it s impawsable to think of any other to ignolledge
that His E.H. is the man, as you ignolledge a Star or a
Comick in Heaven he can t come forrards. There never
was such an instants of amiable diffidents. But the Eds of
Ouses woodn let H.H. off. Our reveared Bishops sor his
tricks they knew what was for the good of Hengland and
the advancement of learning ; they took his Koil Highness
nolus bolus (to use a Lating igspreshun), and carried him
blushing to the head of the pole.
" In that ellyvated poast I am proud to see him ; and
what s mor, I hope when little Mary Hann and Jeams are
arrived at the proper age, I shall be able to take them to
be confurnrned by that exlent prelick (and at present most
Independent minister) Bishop Whyewyouwhooill.
" I look f orrard, I say, to see him on the Bench an
ideer which I am sure has never entered into the head of
that honored and beloved man. I say he deserves it,
and Y? because he s worked for it. And I present my
respeckfle complymence to Anti-Junius and the sperrited
proprietors of The Times.
" Your obeajnt Suvnt,
"JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE."
DIARY OF C. JEAME8 DB LA PLUCHE. 169
SONNICK,
SEJESTED BY PRINCE HALBEBT GRATIOUSLY KILLING THE
STAGGS AT SACKS-COBUG-GOTHY.
Some forty Ed of sleak and hantlered dear
In Cobug (where such hanimmles abound)
Were shot, as by the nusepapers I hear,
By Halbert Usband of the British Crownd.
Britannia s Queen let fall the purly tear;
Seeing them butcherd in their silvn prisns ;
Igspecially, when the keepers, standing round,
Came up and cut their pretty hinnocent whizns.
Suppose, instead of this pore Germing sport
This Saxn wenison which he shoots and baggs,
Our Prins should take a turn in Capel Court
And make a massyker of English Staggs.
Pore Staggs of Hengland ! were the Untsman at you,
What avoc he would make & what a trimenjus battu !
JEAMB.
170 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
THE PERSECUTION OF BRITISH
FOOTMEK
BY MR. JEAMES.
LIVIN remoke from the whirld: hockupied with the
umble dooties of iny perfeshun, which raoacely consists of
droring hale & beer for the gence who freguent my otel,
polittlicle efairs hinterest but sulduni, and I confess that
when Loy Philip habdigaded (the other day, as I read in
iny noble & favorite Dispatch newspaper, where Publicoaler
is the boy for me), I cared no mor than I did when the
chap hover the way went hoff without paying his rent. No
maw does my little Mary Hann. I prorninis you she has
enough to do in minding the bar and the babbies, to eed the
conwulsions of hempires or the hagonies of prostrick kings.
I ham what one of those littery chaps who uses our back
parlor calls a poker curranty on plitticle subjix. I don t
permit em to whex, worrit, or distubb me. My objick is
to leaf a good beer bisnis to little Jeaines, to sckewer some-
think comf table for my two gals, Mary Hann and Han-
gelina (wherehof the latter, who has jest my blew his and
yaller air, is a perfick little Sherry bing to behold), and in
case Grimb Deth, which may appen to the best on us,
should come & scru me down, to leaf behind a somethink
for the best wife any gentleman hever ad tied down of
coarse if hever she should marry agin.
I shoodn t have wrote at all, then, at this present juncter,
but for sugmstances which affect a noble and galliant body
of nienn, of which I once was a hornmint ; I mean of the
noble perfesshn of Henglish footmen & livry suvvants,
which has been crooly pussicuted by the firoashus Paris
mob. I love my hold companions in harms, and none is
more welcome, when they ave money, than they at the
Wheel of Fortune Otel. I have a clubb of twenty for gen-
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 171
tlemen outalivery, which has a riunion in my front parlor ;
and Mr. Buck, my lord Duke s hown man, is to stand God
father to the next little Plush as ever was.
I call the attenshn of Europ, in the most solomon and
impressive manner, to the hinjaries infligted upon my
brutherin. Many of them have been obleeged to boalt
without receiving their wagis ; many of them is egsiles on
our shaws : an inf ewriate Parishn mob has tawn off their
shoaldernots, laft at their wenerable liveries and buttons,
as they laff at everythink sacred ; and I look upon those
pore men as nayther mor nor less than marters, and pitty
and admire them with hall my art.
I holier to those sacred rephugs (to such in coarse as can
pay their shott) an esylum under the awspitible roof of
Jeames Plush of the Wheel of Fortune. Some has already
come here ; two of em occupize our front garrits ; in the
back Hattix there is room for 6 mor. Come, brave and
dontless Hemmigrants! Come, childring of Kilanirnaty
for eight-aiid-six a week ; an old member of the Cor hoifers
you bed and bord !
The narratif of the ixcapes and dangers which they have
gon through, has kep me and Mrs. P. hup in the bar to
many a midnike our, a-listening to them stories. My pore
wife cries her hi s out at their nerations.
One of our borders, and a near relatif by the Grand
mother s side, of my wife s famly (though I despise buth,
and don t bragg like some foax of my ginteel kinexions),
is a man wenerated in the whole profeshn, and lookt up as
one of the fust Vips in Europe. In this country (and from
his likeness when in his Vig to our rewered prelicks of the
bentch of bishops) he was called Cantyberry his reel name
being Thomas. You never sor a finer sight than Canty-
berry on a levy day, a-seated on his goold fringed Arniner-
cloth ; a nozegy in his busni ; his little crisp vig curling
quite noble over his jolly red phase; his At laced hallover
like a Hadmiral ; the white ribbings in his ands, the prans-
ing bay osses befor him ; and behind,, his state carridge ;
with Marqiiz and Marchyness of Jonquil inside, and the
172 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
galliant f ootmeu in yalla livery clinging on at the back !
" Hooray ! the boys used to cry hout, only to see Canty-
berry arrive. Every person of the extablishment called
him " Sir," his Master & Missis inklewdid. He never went
into the stayble, ixep to smoke a segar; and when the
state-carridge was hordered (me and the Jonquils live close
together, the W of F being sitiwated in a ginteal Court lead
ing hout of the street), he sat in my front parlor, in full
phig, reading the newspaper like a Lord, until such time
as his body-suvn t called him, and said Lord and Lady Jon
quil was ready to sit behind him. Then he went. Not a
minnit sooner : not a rninnit latter ; and being elped hup to
the box by 3 men, he took the ribbings, and drove his em
ployers, to the ressadencies of the nibillaty, or the pallis of
the Sovring.
Times is now, R how much changed with Cantyberry !
Last yer, being bribed by Sir Thomas and Lady Kickle-
bury, but chiefly, I fear, because this old gent, being in-
timat with Butlers, had equired a tayste for Bergamy, and
Clarick, and other French winds, he quitted Lord and Lady
Jonquil s box for that of the Kicklebury fanily, residing
Rue Rivuly, at Parris. He was rispected there that Canty-
berry is wherehever he goes; the King, the Hex-Kings
coachmen, were mear moughs compared to him ; and when
he eard the Kings osses were sold the other day at 50
frongs apease, he says they was deer at the money.
Well, on the 24th of Febbywerry, being so ableegin as
to drive Sir T. and Lady Kicklebury to dinner with the
Markee D Epinard, in the Fobug Sang Jermang, Canty-
berry, who had been sittn all day reading Gallynanny,
and playing at cribbidge at a Marshong de Vang, and
kawbsquinly was quite hignorant of the ewents in progrice,
found hisself all of a sudding serowndid by a set of rewd
fellers with pikes and guns, hollerun and bellerin " Veevly
liberty," " Amore Lewy-Philip," &c. "Git out of the way
there," says Cantyberry, from his box, a-vipping his osses.
The puple, as the French people call theirselves, came
round the carridge, rawring out "Ah Bah I Aristocrat f "
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 173
Lady Kicklebury looked hout. Her Par was in the
Cheese Mongering (olesale) way : and she never was called
an aristograt afor. " Your mistaken, my good people, "
says she ; " Je swee Onglase. Wee, boco, Lady Kicklebury,
je vay diner aveo Munseer D Eppynar; ; and so she went
a-jabbring on; but I m blest if the Puple would let her
pass that way. They said there was a barrygade in the
street, and turning round the eds of Canty berry s osses,
told him to drive down the next street. He didn t under
stand, but was reddy to drop hoff his perch at the Hindig-
naty hoffered the British Yip.
Now they had scarce drove down the next street at a
tarin gallop, (for when aggrywated, Cantyberry drives like
inadd, to be sure), when lowinbyold, they come on some
more puple, more pikes, more guns, the pavement hup, and
a Buss spilt on the ground, so that it was impawsable to pass.
" Git out of the carridge," rors the puple, and a feller in
a cock at, (of the Pollypicnic School, Cantyberry says,
though what that is he doant No), comes up to the door,
while hothers old the osses, and says, " Miladi, il faut de-
scendres ; r which means, you must git out.
" Mway ne vu pas, Moi Lady Kicklebury," cries out my
Lady, waggling her phethers and diminds, and screaming
like a Macaw.
"II le fo pourtong ," says the Pollypicnic scholard: very
polite, though he was ready to bust with laffin hisself.
" We must make a barrygade of the carridge. The cavilry
is at one hend of the street, the hartillary at the other ;
there ll be a fight presently, and out you must git."
Lady Kicklebury set up a screaming louder than hever,
and I warrant she hopped out pretty quick this time, and
the hoffiser, giving her his harm, led her into a kimrnis
shop, and give her a glas of sallyvalattaly.
Meanwild Cantyberry sat puffin like a grampus on his
box, his face as red as Ceilingwhacks. His osses had been
led out before his hi s, his footmen French minials, un-
wuthy of a livry had iratynized with the Mobb, and
Thomas Cantyberry sat aloan.
174 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
" Descends mong gros ! cries the mobb ; (which intup-
prited is " Come down, old fat un ; ") " come off your box,
we re goin to upset the carridge."
"Never," says Thomas, for which he knew the French;
and dubbling his phist, he igsclaimed, " Jammy Dammy !
He cut the fust man who sprang hon the box, hover the
fase and i s; he delivered on the nex feller s nob. But
what was Thomas Canty berry against a people in harms?
They pulled that brave old man off his perch. They up
set his carridge his carridge beside a buss. When he
comes to this pint of his narratif, Thomas always busts
into tears and calls for a fresh glas.
He is to be herd of at my bar: and being disingaged
hoffers hisself to the Nobillaty for the enshuing seasn.
His turns is ninety Ibs. per hannum, the purchesing of the
hannimals and the corn, an elper for each two osses : ony
to drive the lord and lady of the famly, no drivin at night
excep to Ofishl parties, and two vigs drest a day during
the seasn. He objex to the country, and won t go abrod
no more. In a country (sezee) where I was ableeged to
whonder abowt disguised out of livery, amongst a puple
who pulled my vig off before my face, Thomas will never
mount box agin.
And I eplaud him. And as long as he has enough to
pay his skaw, my house is a home for this galliant Hegsile.
Sins last weak the Beaming of Bevalution has been
waiving his flamming sord over France, has drove many
more of our unfortnit feller suvnts to hemigrat to the land
of their Buth.
The aggrywation of the Boddy of Gentlemen at Livvry
agenst the Forriner I am sorry to say is intence. Heatings
of my bruthring have took place at many of their Houses
of Call in this town. Some gence who use our back parlor
had an Eccembly there the other night called the Hag-
grygit British Plush Protection Society, which, in my ca-
pasty of Lanlord and Xmember of the Boddy, I was called
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 175
upon to attend. Everythink was conducted on ordly redy-
nioney prinsaples, and the liquor paid for as soon as called
for, and drunk as soon as paid.
But the feelings of irratation against Foring Se wants as
igsibbited by our Domestic projuice was, I grieve to say,
very bitter. Sevral of our Marters came amongst us, pore
Egsiles wrankling under the smarts of their ill treatment.
The stories of their Bongs caused a furrnentation amongst
the bruthring. It was all I could do to check the harder
of some Howtragus Sperrits, and awhirt perhaps a Massy-
kry of French curriers and lackys employed by our nobil-
laty and gentry. I am thankful to think that peraps I
prewented a dellidge of foriiig blood.
The tails told by our Marters igsited no small and un-
natral sirn pithy : when Chawls Garters, late Etendant in
the famly of the Duke of Calyrnanco in the Fobug St.
Honory, came amongst and igsplained how if he had been
aloud to remane a few weeks longer in Parris Madamasell
De Calymanco, the Duke s only daughter and hairis, would
probbly have owned the soft pashn which she felt for our
por Chawls, and have procured the consent of her Par to
her rnarridge with the galliant and andsum Henglishrnan,
the meeting thrild with Amotion, and tears of pitty for our
comrid bedimd each hi. His hart s afections have been
crusht. Madyrnasell was sent to a Convent ; and Chawls
dismist with a poltry 3 months wages in adwance, and re
turns to Halbion s shores & to servitude once more.
Frederic Legs also moved us deaply ; we call him leggs,
from the bewty of those limbs of his, which from being his
pride and hornymint, had nearly projuised his rewing.
When the town was in kemotion, and the furious French
Peuple pursewing every Henglish livary, Frederick (in
suvvice with a noble fainly who shall be narneliss) put on a
palto and trowseys, of which his master made him a presnt
and indeavoured to fly.
He mounted a large tricolore cockade in his At, from,
which he tor the lace, and tried as much as possable to
look like a siwillian. But it wouldn t do. The clo s given.
176 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
him by his X-master, who was a little inann, were too
small for Frederick the bewty of his legs epeared through
his trowsies. The Rebublikins jeered and laft at him in the
streats ; and it is a mussy that he ever reached Balone alive.
I tried to cumsole Chawls by pinting out that the Art
which has truly loved never forgits, but as trewly loves on
to the clothes ; and that if Madamasell reely did love him
as he said, he had a better chans of winning her And now
than under a monarchickle and. arastacrattic Guvment ; and
as for Frederic, I pinted out to him that a man of his ap-
pearants was safe of irnplymint and promoashn in any coun
try.
I did every think, in a word, to sooth my f rends. In a
noble speach I showed, that if others do wrong, that is no
reason why we shouldn t do right. "On the contry now is
the time," I said, "for Hengland to show she is reely the
Home of the World ; and that all men, from a Black to a
Frenchman, ought to be safe under the Banner of the Brit-
tanier.
"The pholly of these consperracies and jellowsies, I
think may be pinted out to my feller-suvants, and igsem-
plafied in the instants of the famlies of the Prince of
Bovo, at parris, and of Lord Y Count Guttlebury, in this
country.
" At Parris, as is well ascertained, the nobill Prins, who
kep a large studd of osses, with English groombs to take
care of em (as by natur Britns are formed to do that, and
every think better than everybody) the noble Prins, I say,
was called upon by the Puple to dishiniss his Hinglish oss-
keepers. ServitureJ says the Prince, Veeve la liberty!
let the Hosskeepers be turned out, as the Sovring Puple is
inimichael to their stoppin in France. 7 The Puple left the
Sitzen Prins with a chear for fratunnity, & the por groombs
packed up, and have come back to their native hilind.
" But what inshood? The next day the Prins sent away
the bosses after the hosskeepers ; sold up the studd ; locked
up the carridges, broornbs, cabs, bogeys (as those hignorant
French call buggiz), laudores & all, and goes about now
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 177
with an unibereller. And how I should lick to know, is
the puple any better for ineddlin?
" Lord Ycount Guttlebury s is a case, dear friends, which
still mor conies hoani to our busins and our bisniss, and
has made no small sensatiun in the Plush and in the fash
ionable wuld. The splender of his lodship s entytain-
nients is well-known. That good and uprike nobleman
only lived for wittles. And be ard on him? why should
we? Nayter has implanted in our busurns tastis of a thou
sand different kinds. Some men have a paslm for fox-
untin, some like listening to dybatts in Parlymink and settn
on railrode committies; some like Politticle Aconomy.
I ve waited behind a chair and heard foax talk about
Jollagy, Straty, and red sanstone, until I ve nearly dropt
asleap myself while standing a Santynel on jewty. What
then? Give every inann his taste, I say, and my Lord
Gtittlebury s was his dinner.
" He had a French Hartist at the head of his Quizeen of
coarse that sellabrated rnann Munseer Supreme- Munseer
Sooflay persided hover the curnfeckshnary ; and under Su-
praym were three young aidycongs : a Frenchman, a Bul-
giaii, and a young feller from the city, who manidged the
tertle and wenson department.
" He was a clever young inann. He has hofn been to
take a glas at the W of F : and whenever he came with a
cassyrowl of clear turtle, or an ash wenison dish for my
Mary Hann, he was I m. sure always welcome. But John
Baster was henvious and hambishes. He jined the owtcry
which has been rose against for ing suvnts by some of our
bruthring, and he thought to git ridd of Supraym and the
other contynentials, and espired to be Chief Guvnor of my
lord s kitching.
" Forgitting every sentarnent but haytred of the f orryner,
this envius raskle ingaged the kitching- boys and female
elpers (who, bein a hansum young maim, looked on him
with a kindly i) in a fowl conspiracy against the French
men. He iutrojuiced kyang pepper into the pattys, gar-
lick into the Bleinongys, and sent up the souffly flavoured
178 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLTJCHK
with ingyans. He pysoned my lord s chocolate with sha-
lott, he put Tarry gin vinegar into the Hices. There never
was such a conwulsion, or so horrid an igspreshn of hagny
in a man s, has (I m told by my exlent friend, the Mojor-
domy) my lord s fase ashumed, when he tasted black pep
per in the clear soup.
" The exdence occurred day after day. It was one day
when a B 1 P ss n dge was dining with his Lodd-
ship ; another when 6 egsiled sovrings took their mutton
(when he didn t so much mind) ; a 3d when he wished to
dine more igspecially better than on any other, because the
doctor had told him to be careful, and he was dining by
himself : this last day drove him inadd. He sent for Su-
prame, addresst that gentilman in languidge which he
couldn t brook (for he was a Major of the Nashnal Guard of
his Betallian, and Commander of the Legend of Honour),
and Suprame rasined on the spott which the French and
the Bulgian did it too.
" Soouflay and the cumfectioners heniigrated the nex day.
And the house steward, who has a heasy master, for Lord
G. is old, fibble, and 70 years of hage, and whose lady has
an uncommon good apinnion of Master Baster, recom
mended him to the place, or at least to have the Pur-
visional Guvment of my lord s Quizeen.
" It wasn t badd. Baster has talints of no mien horder.
You couldn t egsactly find folt with his souperiritend-
iance. But a mere good dinner is fur from enough to your
true amature. A dellixy, a something, & jenny squaw, con-
statutes the diff rants between talint and Genus and my
lord soughered under it. He grew melumcolly and silent ;
he dined, it s trew, taysting all the outrays as usual, but
he never made any remarx about em, for good or for bad.
Young Baster at the Igth of his Harnbishn, tor his Air
with rage as his dinners came down 1 by 1, and nothing
was said about em nothing.
" Lord Guttlebury was breaking his Art. He didn know
how fond he was of Supraym, till he lost him how iies-
sassurry that mann was to his igsistence. He sett his con-
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 179
fidenshle Valick to find out where Supraym had retreated ;
and finding he was gone to Gascony, of which he is a natif,
last weak, without saying a word to his frends, with only
Sangswe his valet, and the flying ketching fourgong, with
out which he never travels my lord went to France and
put himself again under Supraym. The sean between em,
I m told, was very affecting. My lord has taken a Shatto
near Supraym s house, who comes to dress the dinner of
which the noble Ycount partakes aloan.
"The town-house is shet up, and everybody has ad
orders to quit all the footmen all the quizeen, in coarse
including Baster and this is all he has gained by his in-
sidgus haytrid of forraners, and by his foolish harnbishn.
" No, my friends," I concluded; " if gentlemen choose to
have foreign suvnts, it s not for its to intafear, and there
must be a free trayd in flunkies as in every other kimodaty
of the world."
I trust that my little remarks pazyfied some of the dis
contented sperrits presnt and can at least wouch for the
fact that every man shook Ands ; every man paid his Skoar.
180 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
THOUGHTS ON A NEW COMEDY.
(BEING A LETTER FROM MR. J s PLUSH TO A
FRIEND.)
" Whell of Fortune, Barr,
" Jenyoury twenty-fith.
11 MY DEAR RlNCER,
" Me and Mary Hann was very much pleased with the
box of feznts and woodcox, which you sent us, both for the
attention which was dellygit, and because the burds was
uncommon good and full of flaviour. Some we gev away :
some we hett : and I leave you to ernadgin that the Mann
as sent em will holways find a glass of sornethink conifor-
able in our Barr; and I hope you ll soon come back to Lon
don, Rincer, my boy. Your account of the Servants all
festivvaties at Fitzbattleaxe Castle, and your dancing Sir
Rodjydycovvly (I don t know how to spell it) with Lady
Hawguster, emused Mary Hann very much. That sotta-
thing is very well onst a year or so : but in my time I
thought the fun didn t begin until the great folks had gone
away. Give my kind suvvices to Mrs. Lupin, and tell
Munseer Beshyniell with my and Mary Hann s best wishes,
that our little Fanny can play several tunes on his pianner.
Comps to old Coachy.
"Till parlymint nothink is stirring, and there s 110 noose
to give you or fill my sheat igsept (and I dessay this will
surprize you) igsept I talk about the new Play.
"Although I m. not genly a patternizer of the Draminer,
which it interfears very much with my abbits and ixpeshly
is not plesnt dareckly after dinner to set hoff to a cold
theayter for a rniddle-Hage Mann, who likes to take things
heazy ; yet, my dear feller, I do from time to time step in
(with a horder) to the walls of the little Aymarket or Old
Dewry, sometimes to give a treat to Mrs. Jeames and the
younguns, sometimes to wild away a hidle hour when she s
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLTJCHE. 181
outatown or outatemper (which sometimes will occur in the
best reglated families, you know), or when some private
mellumcolly or sorer of my own is a hagitating hof me.
" Yesdy evening it was none of these motifs which in-
juiced me to go to the theayter I had heard there was a
commady jest brought out, inwolving the carrickter of our
profession that profeshn which you and me, Mr. Kincer,
did oust belong to Fm not above that profeshn. I ave
its hintarests and Honor at art : and of hevery man that
wears the Plush, I say that Mann is my Brother (not that
I need be phonder of him for that, on the ontry, I recklect
at our school where I lunt the fust rules of athography
and grammar, the Brothers were holwis a pitchen into
heach other) but in fine, I love the Plush of hold days,
and hah ! I regret that hold Father Time is doing some-
think to my Air, which wightns it more pumminantly
than the Powder, which once I war !
"A commady, Sir, has been brought out, (which I m
surprized it aint been mentioned at my Barr, though to be
sure rnose gents is keeping Grisrnass Olydays in the Coun
try) in which I was creddably informed one of hus one
of the old Plushes why should I ezitate to say, a Foot
man, forms the prinsple drammitis-pursony. How is my
horder represented on the British Stage I hast myself?
Are we spoke of respeckful or otherwise? Does anybody
snear at our youniforin or purfeshn? I was determingd to
see j and in case of hanythink inslant being said of us, I
took a key with me in horder to iss propply ; and bought
sevral horringers jest to make uce of em if I sor any
nessasaty.
" My dear Rincer, I greave to say, that though there
was nothink against our purfeshn said in the pease and
though the most delligit and sensatif footman (and I ve
known no men of more dellixy of feelin and sensabillaty
than a well-reglated footman is whether hin or hout of
livry) could find folt with the languidge of the New Com
mady of Leap Year, yet its prinsples is dangerous to pub-
lick maralaty, as likewise to our beloved purfeshn.
182 DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
" The plot of the Pease is founderd upon a hancient Lor,
which the Hauther, Mr. Buckstone, discovvred in an un
common hold book, and by which it epars that in Lip- Year
(or what s called Bissixdile in Istronnamy) it is the women
who have the libbaty of choosing their usbands and not as
in hornary times, the men who choose their wives (I reek-
mend you, old feller, who are a reglar hold Batchylor, to
look out in the Orninack for Lip Year, and kip liout of the
way that year), and this pragtice must be common anough
in Hengland, for a commady is a representation of natur,
and in this one, every one of the women asts every one of
the men to marry : igsept one, and she asts two of em.
" Oust upon a time there was an old genlrnn by the name
of Flowerdew as married a young woman, who became in
consquince Mrs. Flora Flowerdew. She made this hold
buck so Appy during the breaf coarse of his meddrimonial
career, that he left a will, bordering her to marry agin
before three years was over, failing vich, hevary shillin of
his proppaty should go to his nex Hair. Aving maid these
destirnentry errangements hold Flowerdew died. Peace
be to his Hashes !
"His widder didn t cry much (for betwigst you and me
F. must have been rayther a silly old feller), but lived on
in a genteal manner in a house somewhere in the drecshon
of Arnstid I should think, entertaining her friends like a
lady : and like a lady she kep her coachman and groom :
had her own maid, a cook and housemaid of coarse, a page
and a Mann.
" If I had been a widder I would have choajs a Man of a
better Ithe, than Mrs. Folwerjew did. Nothink becomes a
footman so much as Ithe. It s that which dixtinguidges
us from the wulgar, and I greave to say in this pedicklar
the gentleman as hacted Villiani Valker, Mrs. F. s man,
was sadly detisnt. He was respeckble, quiet, horderly,
hactive but his figger I must say was no go. You and
me, Rincer, ave seen footmen and know what s the proper
sort seen em? Hah, what mon there was in hour time!
Do you recklect Bill the Maypole as was with us at Lord
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 183
Ammersmith s? What a chap that was! what a leg he
ad! The young men are not like us, Tom Bineer, but I
am diwerging from my tail, which I reshume.
" I diddnarive at the commensment of the drammer (for
their was a Purty a-settling his skower in my Barr which
kep me a cumsederable time), but when I hentered the
theaytre, I fown myself in presnts of Mr. & Mrs. C. Kean
in a droring-roomb, Mrs. K. at a tabble pertending to right
letters, or to so ankyshuffs or somethink, Mr. K. a clasp
ing his &s, a rowling his his, and a quoating poatry &
Byrom and that sort of thing like anythink.
"Mrs. Kean, she was the widdo, and Mr K. he was
Villiam, the man. He wasn t a Buttler, dear Kincer, like
U. He wasn t groom of the Chimbers like Mr. Mewt at
my Lord s (to whomb my best complymince), he wasn t a
mear footman, he wasn t a page : but he was a mixter of
all 4. He had trowzies like a page with a red strip ; he
had a coat like a Hunndress John ; he had the helegant
mistary of Mr. Mewt, and there was a graceful abanding
and a daggijay hair about which I whish it was more
adopted in our purfeshn.
"Haltho in hour time, dear Bineer, we didn quoat
Byroin and Shikspyer in the droring-room to the ladies of
the famly, praps things is haltered sins the marge of hin-
talect, and the young Jearness do talk potry. Well, for
sevral years, during which he had been in Mrs. F. s service,
Walker had been goin on in this manner, and it was heasy
at once to see at the very hopening of the pease, from the
manner of missis and man, that there was more than the
common sewillaties of a lady and a genlman in livary goin
on between em, and in one word that they were pashintly
in love with each other. This won t surprize you, Rincer,
mv boy ; and in the coarse of my expearance I might tell a
story or two Lady Harabellar ! but Honor forbids, and
Im mumm.
" Several shutors come to whoo the widow ; but none,
and no great wonder, have made an impreshn on her heart.
One she takes as a husband on trial and he went out to
184 DIARY OP C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE.
dinner on the very fust day of his apprentiship, and came
home intogsicated. Another whomb she would not have,
a Captain in the Hariny, pulls out a bill when she refuses
him, and requests her to pay for his loss of time, and the
clothes he has bordered in border to captiwate her. Finely
the piece hends by the widdo proposing to William Walker,
her servant, and marrying that pusson.
"I don t bask whether widdos take usbands on trial. I
do not pores to inqtiier whether Captiugs send in bills of
costs for courtship, or igsaniming other absuddaties in this
Conirnady. I look it purfeshnly, and I look at it gravely,
Eincer. Hand, I can t help seeing that is dangerous to
our border, and subwussive of domestic maralaty.
"I say there s a Prinsple in a honist footman which
should make him purtest and rewolt aginst such doctorings
as these. A fatle pashn may hapn hany day to hany
Mann ; as a chirnbly-pott may drop on his head, or a hom-
nibus drive hover him. We can t help falling in love with
a fine woman we are men : we are fine men praps ; ana
praps she returns our harder. But what s the use of it?
There can be no marridges between footmen and families
in which they live. There s a Lor of Natur against it,
and it should be wrote in the prayer-book for the use of
Johns that a man may not marry his Missus If this
kind of thing was to go on hoften, there would be an end
to domestic life. John would be holways up in the dror-
ing-room courting : or Miss would be for hever down in
the pantry: you d get no whirk done. How could he
clean his plate propply with Miss holding one of his ands
sittin on the knife bord? It s impawsable. We may marry
in other famlies, but not in our hown. We have each our
spears as we have each our Bells. Theirs is the fust flor;
hours is the basemint. A man who marris his Missis
hingers his purfeshnal bruthering. I would cut that Man
dedd who married his Missis. I would blackbawl him at
the clubb. Let it oust git abroad that we do so, and
famlies will leave off iring footmen haltogether and be
weighted upon by maids* which the young ladies can t
DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE. 185
marry them, and I leave you to say whether the purfeshn
isn t a good one, and whether it woodn t be a pity to
spoil it.
" Yours never, my dear Rincer,
"J P."
" To MB. RINCER,
at the DUKE OF FITZBATTLEAXES,
"Fitzbattleaux Castle, Flintshire."
THE HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH
REVOLUTION.
THE
HISTOEY OF THE NEXT FEENCH BEVOLUTION
(FROM A FORTHCOMING HISTORY OF EUROPE.)*
CHAPTER I.
IT is seldom that the historian has to record events more
singular than those which occurred during this year, when
the Crown of France was battled for by no less than four
pretenders, with equal claims, merits, bravery, and popu
larity. First in the list we place
His Royal Highness, Louis Antony Frederic Samuel
Anna-Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son of Louis XVI.
The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate
parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that
place of confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the
ruffians who guarded him had caused the young Prince to
dwindle down astonishingly) in the cocked hat of the rep
resentative Boederer. It is well known that, in the troub
lous, revolutionary times, cocked hats were worn of a con
siderable size.
He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany ;
was confined there for thirty years in the dungeons of
Spielberg; and, escaping thence to England, was, under
pretence of debt, but in reality from political hatred, im
prisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not
be confounded with any other of the persons who laid
claim to be children of the unfortunate victim of the first
revolution.
* [This "History " appeared in Punch during 1844.]
190 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known.
In the year 1843, he held his little fugitive Court in fur
nished lodgings, in a forgotten district of London, called
Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France flocked
thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant
of the throne ; and some of the chiefs of the British nobil
ity, among whom may be reckoned the celebrated and chiv
alrous Duke of Jenkins, aided the adventurous young Prince
with their counsels, their wealth, and their valour. *
The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince
John Thomas Napoleon a fourteenth cousin of the late
emperor ; and said by some to be a Prince of the House of
Gomersal. He argued justly, that, as the immediate rela
tives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete for
the Crown which was their right, he, Prince John Thomas,
being next in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the
vacant Imperial throne. And in support of his claim, he
appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and the strength of
his good sword.
His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the
illustrious wielder of the sceptre which the three above-
named princes desired to wrest from him. It does not ap
pear that the sagacious monarch was esteemed by his sub
jects, as such a prince should have been esteemed. The
light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary
than otherwise of his sway. They were not in the least
attached to his amiable family, for whom his Majesty with
characteristic thrift had endeavoured to procure satisfactory
allowances And the leading statesmen of the country,
whom his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of enter
taining any but feeling 3 of loyalty towards his house and
person.
It was against the three above-named pretenders that
Louis Philippe (now nearly a hundred years old), a prince
amongst sovereigns, was called upon to defend his crown.
* [Punch invented Jenkins to personify The Morning Post. Jen
kins was raised to the peerage and dukedom of France by the French
king, Henry V.]
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 191
The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a
hundred and twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each ;
provisioned for a considerable time, and all so constructed
as to fire, if need were, upon the Palace of the Tuileries.
Thus, should the mob attack it, as in August, 1792, and
July, 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in an
hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign
invasion. Another defence against the foreigners was the
state of the roads ; since the English companies had retired,
half a mile only of railroad had been completed in France,
and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe now are,
to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye d
to death before they could have marched from the Rhenish,
the Maritime, the Alpine, or the Pyrenean frontier upon
the capital of France. The French people, however, were
indignant at this defect of communication in their territory,
and said, without the least show of reason, that they would
have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thou
sand billions of francs which had been expended upon the
fortifications should have been laid out in a more peaceful
manner. However, behind his forts, the king lay secure.
As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possi
ble the strange events of the period, the actions, the pas
sions of individuals, and parties engaged, we cannot better
describe them than by referring to contemporary documents,
of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the present
day to read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal
des Debats the accounts of the strange scenes which took
place.
The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court
of the Tuileries had been extremely gay. The three-and-
twenty youngest Princes of England, sons of her Majesty
Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence. The
Emperor of Eussia and family had paid their accustomed
visit; and the King of the Belgians had, as usual, made
his visit to his royal father-in-law, under pretence of duty
and pleasure, but really to demand payment of the Queen
of the Belgians dowry, which Louis Philippe of Orleans
q Vol. 19
192 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
still resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought
that in the midst of such festivity danger was lurking rife ;
in the midst of such quiet rebellion?
Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it
was to this repository that the scornful journalist consigned
the pretender to the throne of Louis XVI.
But on the next day, viz. Saturday the 29th Feb., the
same journal contained a paragraph of a much more star
tling and serious import; in which, although under a mask
of carelessness, it was easy to see the Government alarm.
On Friday, the 28th Feb., the Journal des Debats con
tained a paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation
at the Bourse, so absurd did its contents seem. It ran as
follows :
" ENCORE UN Louis XVII. ! A letter from Calais tells us
that a strange personage lately landed from England (from
Bedlam we believe) has been giving himself out to be the
son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is the twenty-
fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his
father was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his
pretensions, the poor creature is said to be pretty harmless ;
he is accompanied by one or two old women, who declare
they recognise in him the Dauphin ; he does not make any
attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but waits
until Heaven shall conduct him to it.
If his Majesty conies to Paris, we presume he will take
up his quarters in the palace of Charenton.
" We have not before alluded to certain rumours which
have been afloat (among the lowest canaille, and the vilest
estaminets of the Metropolis), that a notorious personage
why should we hesitate to mention the name of the Prince
John Thomas Napoleon? has entered France with culpa
ble intentions and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of
this morning, however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A
pretender is on our shores ; an armed assassin is threaten
ing our peaceful liberties; a wandering, homeless cut- throat
is robbing on our highways, and the punishment of his
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 193
crime awaits him. Let no consideration of the past deter
that just punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to
provide for the future. Let the full powers of the law be
brought against him, aided by the stern justice of the pub
lic force. Let him be tracked, like a wild beast, to his lair,
and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has, ere this,
been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been
distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low
ale-houses and peasantry of the department of the Upper
Bhine (in which he lurks) ; and the police have an easy
means of tracking his footsteps.
" Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of
the unfortunate young man. His attempt will only serve
to show the folly of Pretenders, and the love, respect, re
gard, fidelity, admiration, reverence and passionate personal
attachment in which we hold our beloved Sovereign."
SECOND EDITION! CAPTURE OF THE PRINCE!
" A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a re
port, that after a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the
* Imperial Army ? in a water-barrel, whither the latter had
retreated, victory has remained with the former. A des
perate combat ensued in the first place in a hay-loft, whence
the Pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now
a prisoner and we dread to think what his fate may be !
It will warn future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson
which it is not likely to forget. Above all, it will set be
yond a doubt the regard, respect, admiration, reverence and
adoration which we all feel for our Sovereign."
THIRD EDITION !
" A second courier has arrived the infatuated Crane has
made common cause with the Prince, and for ever forfeited
the respect of Frenchmen. A detachment of the 520th
Leger has marched in pursuit of the Pretender and his
dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer ! Remember that
it is our rights you guard, our homes which you march to
194 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
defend; our laws which are confided to the points of your
unsullied bayonets above all, our dear, dear Sovereign,
around whose throne you rally !
" Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th remem
ber your watch ward is GEMAPPES, your countersign,
VALMY."
" The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family
quitted the Tuileries this day. His Imperial Majesty em
braced his Majesty the King of the French with tears in
his eyes, and conferred upon their RR.HH., the Princes of
Nemours and Joinville, the grand cross of the Order of the
Blue Eagle."
"His Majesty passed a review of the Police force the
venerable monarch was received with deafening cheers by
this admirable and disinterested body of men. Those
cheers were echoed in all French hearts : long, long may
our beloved Prince be among us to receive them !
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 195
CHAPTER II.
HENRY V. AND NAPOLEON III.
Sunday, February
WE resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus
introduces a third Pretender to the throne.
" Is this distracted country never to have peace? While
on Friday we recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the
great throne of France ; while on Saturday we were com
pelled to register the culpable attempts of one whom we
regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar,
and common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of
Frenchmen it is to-day our painful duty to announce a
third invasion yes, a third invasion. The wretched, su
perstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has landed at Nantz,
and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount
the white cockade.
" Grand Dieu ! are we not happy, under the tricolour?
Do we not repose under the majestic shadow of the best of
kings? Is there any name prouder than that of French
man; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign?
Does not the whole French family adore their father? Yes.
Our lives, our hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his dis
posal. It was not in vain that we raised, it is not the first
time we have rallied round, the august throne of July.
The unhappy duke is most likely a prisoner by this time ;
and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge
one infamous traitor and Pretender, may at the same mo
ment judge another. Away with both ! let the ditch of
Vincennes (which has been already fatal to his race) receive
his body too, and with it the corpse of the other Pretender.
Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the
manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged !
" One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins
accompanies the descendant of Caroline of Naples an
196 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
English Duke, entendez-vous ! an English Duke, great
Heaven! and the princes of England still dancing in our
royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion
end? "
" The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of
police. The usual heartrending cheers accompanied the
monarch, who looked younger than ever we saw him ay,
as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at Valmy,
and scattered their squadrons at Geniappes.
" Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honour,
were distributed to all the men.
"The English princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-
three coaches and four They were not rewarded with
crosses of the Legion of Honour. This is significant."
" The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for
the departments of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they
will take the command of the troops. The Joinville regi
ment, cavalerie de la marine, is one of the finest in the
service.
" Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls
himself Duke of Brittany, and who has ( been making some
disturbances in the Pas de Calais."
" AXECDOTE OF His MAJESTY. At the review of troops
(police) yesterday, His Majesty going up to one old gro-
gnard, and pulling him by the ear, said, Wilt thou have a
cross or another ration of wine? ; The old hero, smiling
archly, answered, Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any
day of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a
drink of wine. We need not say that he had his drink,
and the generous Sovereign sent him the cross and ribbon
too. "
On the next day the government journals begin to write
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 197
in rather a despondent tone, regarding the progress of the
Pretenders to the throne. In spite of their big talking,
anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears from the follow
ing remarks of the Debats :
"The courier from the Rhine departments," says the
Debats, " brings ns the following astounding proclamation :
" Strasburg, xxii. Niwse : Decadi ; 92nd year
of the Republic, one and indivisible.
" We, John Thomas Napoleon, by^the Constitutions of
the Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our mar
shals, generals, officers and soldiers, greeting :
" Soldiers !
" From the summit of the Pyramids, forty centuries
look down upon you. The sun of Austerlitz has risen
once more. The guard dies, but never surrenders. My
eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop till
they perch on the towers of Notre Daine.
" Soldiers ! the child of your Father has remained long
in exile. I have seen the fields of Europe where your
laurels are now withering, and I have communed with the
dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are our
children! Where is France! Europe no longer glitters
with the shine of its triumphant bayonets echoes no more
with the shouts of its victorious cannon. Who could reply
to such a question, save with a blush? And does a blush
become the cheeks of Frenchmen?
" No, let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark
of shame. Come, as of old, and rally round my eagles !
You have been subject to fiddling prudence long enough.
Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have
been promised liberty, but you have had none. I will en
dow you with the true, the real freedom. When your
ancestors burst over the Alps, were they not free? Yes:
free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of those in
domitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once
more trample over her ; march in triumph into her prostrate
capitals, and bring her kings with her treasures at our feet.
This is the liberty worthy of Frenchmen.
198 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
" * Frenchmen ! I promise you that the Rhine shall be
restored to you; and that England shall rank no more
among the nations. I will have a marine that shall drive
her ships from the seas ; a few of my brave regiments will
do the rest. Henceforth, the travelleiyn that desert island
shall ask, " Was it this wretched corner of the world that
for a thousand years defied Frenchmen?
" l Frenchmen, up and rally ! I^have flung my banner to
the breezes; tis surrounded by the faithful and the brave :
-up, and let our motto be, LIBERTY, EQUALITY, WAR ALL
OVER THE WORLD ! NAPOLEON III.
1(1 The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT. "
" Such is the Proclamation ! such the hopes that a brutal-
minded and bloody adventurer holds out to our country.
War all over the world is the cry of the savage demon ;
and the fiends who have rallied round him echo it in con
cert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a
corporal s guard had been sufficient to seize upon the ma
rauder, when the first fire would have served to conclude his
miserable life. But, like a hideous disease, the contagion
has spread ; the remedy must be dreadful. Woe to those
on whom it will fall !
" His Koyal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral
of France, has hastened, as we before stated, to the dis
turbed districts, and takes with him his cavalerie de la
marine. It is hard to think that the blades of those chiv
alrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen ;
but so be it ; it is those monsters who have asked for blood ;
not we. It is those ruffians who have begun to quarrel ;
not we. We remain calm and hopeful, reposing under the
protection of the dearest and best of sovereigns.
" The wretched Pretender, who called himself Duke of
Brittany, has been seized, according to our prophecy ; he
was brought before the Prefect of Police yesterday, and his
insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has been con
signed to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all in
cendiary enemies of our Government be overcome !
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 199
" His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into
the department of the Loire, where he will speedily put an
end to the troubles in the disturbed districts of the Bocage
and La Vendee. The foolish young Prince, who has there
raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by a small num
ber of wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every
moment to receive the news. He too has issued his proc
lamation, and our readers will smile at its contents :
" We, Henry, Fifth of the Name, King of France and
Navarre, to all whom it may concern, greeting :
" After years of exile we have once more unfurled in
France the banner of the lilies. Once more the white
plume of Henri IV. floats in the crest of his little son !
{petit fils). Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses! honest
commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the
oriflamme of France, and summon the ban and arriere-ban
of my kingdoms. To my faithful Bretons I need no ap
peal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for an heir
loom. To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided
subjects, their father makes one last appeal. Come to me,
my children! your errors shall be forgiven. Our holy
Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you. He promised it
when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed his
inviolable toe !
" Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The in
famous universities shall be abolished. Education shall no
longer be permitted. A sacred and wholesome inquisition
shall be established. My faithful nobles shall pay no
more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our country
shall be restored as they existed before 1788. Convents
and monasteries again shall ornament our country the
calm nurseries of saints and holy women ! Heresy shall
be extirpated with paternal severity and our country shall
be free once more.
" His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has
sent, under the command of His Royal Highness Prince
Daniel, his Majesty s youngest son, an irresistible Irish
200 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
Brigade, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace the
Lion of Judah, the canonised patriarch of Tuam, blessed
their green banner before they set forth. Henceforth may
the lilies and the harp be ever twined together. Together
we will make a crusade against the infidels of Albion, and
raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our cry be
Vive France! down with England! Montjoie St, Denis!
" BY THE KING.
" The Secretary of State and
Grand Inquisitor.
The Marshal of France.
The General Commander-in-
Chief of the Irish Brigade
in the service of his Most
Christian Majesty.
La Roue.
Pompadour de 1 Aile de Pigeon.
Daniel, Prince of Ballybunion.
" HENRI. "
"His Majesty reviewed the admirable police force and
held a council of ministers in the afternoon. Measures
were concerted for the instant putting down of the disturb
ances in the departments of the Rhine and Loire, and it is
arranged that on the capture of the Pretenders they shall
be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxem
bourg ; the apartments are already prepared, and the offi
cers at their post.
" The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace
to-day to the diplomatic body, has been put off ; all the
ambassadors being attacked with illness, which compels
them to stay at home."
" The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various
governments. 7
"His Majesty, the King of Belgium, left the Palace of
the Tuileries."
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 201
CHAPTEK III.
THE ADVANCE OF THE PRETENDERS HISTORICAL
REVIEW.
WE will now resume the narrative, and endeavour to
compress, in a few comprehensive pages, the facts which
are more diffusely described in the print from which we
have quoted.
It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the depart
ment were of a serious nature, and that the forces gathered
round the two Pretenders to the crown were considerable.
They had their supporters too in Paris, as what party
indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne
was in a state of considerable anxiety, and found his de
clining years by no means so comfortable as his virtues and
great age might have warranted.
His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought
of the fate reserved to his children, grandchildren, and
great-grandchildren, now sprung up round him in vast
numbers. The king s grandson, the prince-royal, married
to a princess of the house of Schlippen Schloppen, was the
father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with
pensions by the state. His brother, the Count D Eu, was
similarly blessed with a multitudinous offspring. The
Duke of Nemours had no children; but the Princes of
Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Prin
cesses Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess
of the United States of America, erected into a monarchy
4th July, 1856, under the Emperor Duff Green I.) were
the happy fathers of immense families all liberally ap
portioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely
subservient to His Majesty Louis Philippe.
The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having mar
ried (in the first instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a
202 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
daughter of His Highness Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of
Joinville was adored by the nation, on account of his
famous victory over the English fleet, under the command
of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the Richard
Cobden, of 120 guns, was taken by the Belle-Poule, frigate
of 36, on which occasion forty-five other ships of war and
seventy-nine steam frigates, struck their colours to about
one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The
victory was mainly owing to the gallantry of the celebrated
French Horse-marines, who executed several brilliant
charges under the orders of the intrepid Joinville; and
though the Irish brigade, with their ordinary modesty,
claimed the honours of the day, yet, as only three of that
nation were present in the action, impartial history must
award the palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul.
With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the
solicitude of the admirable King may be conceived lest a
revolution should ensue, and fling them on the world once
more. How could he support so numerous a family? Con
siderable as his wealth was (for he was known to have
amassed about a hundred and thirteen billions, which were
lying in the caves of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was
quite insignificant when divided among his progeny and,
besides, he naturally preferred getting from the nation as
much as his faithful people could possibly afford.
Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money,
well applied, is often more efficacious than the conqueror s
sword, the King s ministers were anxious that he should
devote a part of his savings to the carrying on of the war.
But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined
this offer ; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his
faithful people, who, he was sure, would meet, as became
them, the coming exigency. The Chambers met his appeal
with their usual devotion. At a solemn convocation of
those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by his fam
ily, explained the circumstances and the danger. His Maj
esty, his family, his Ministers, and the two Chambers, then
burst into tears, according to immemorial usage, and rais-
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 203
ing their hands to the ceiling, swore eternal fidelity to the
dynasty and to France, and embraced each other affeetingly
all round.
It need not be said that in the course of that evening,
two hundred deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the
Prince John Thomas Napoleon, who was now advanced as
far as Dijon two hundred and fifty-three (of the Right,
the centre, and round the corner), similarly quitted the
Capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux they
were followed, according to their several political predilec
tions, by the various Ministers and dignitaries of state.
The only Minister who remained in Paris was Marshal
Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had defeated the English
in the very field where they had obtained formerly a suc
cess, though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish
brigade); but age had ruined the health, and diminished
the immense strength of that gigantic leader, and it is said
his only reason for remaining in Paris was because a fit of
the gout kept him in bed.
The Capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and
cafes were open as usual, and the masked balls attended
with great enthusiasm confiding in their hundred and
twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing to
fear.
Except in the way of money, the king left nothing un
done to conciliate his people. He even went among them
with his umbrella, but they were little touched with that
mark of confidence. He shook hands with everybody ; he
distributed crosses of the legion of honour in such multi
tudes, that red ribband rose two hundred per cent in the
market (by which his Majesty, who speculated in the article,
cleared a tolerable sum of money). But these blandish
ments and honours had little effect upon an apathetic peo
ple ; and the enemy of the Orleans Dynasty, the fashionable
young nobles of the Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves per
petually, for fear (they said) they should be obliged to shake
hands with the best of kings ; while the Republicans
adopted coats without button-holes, lest they should be
-204 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
forced to hang red ribbons in them. The funds did not
fluctuate in the least.
The proclamation of the several pretenders had had their
effect. The young men of the schools and the estaminets
(celebrated places of public education), allured by the noble
words of Prince Napoleon, " Liberty, equality, war all over
the world ! " flocked to his standard in considerable numbers ;
while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer their alle
giance to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis.
And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry
than that collected round the gallant Prince Henry ! There
was not a man in his army but had lacquered boots and
fresh white kid gloves at morning and evening parade.
The fantastic and effeminate, but brave and faithful troops,
were numbered off into different legions there was the
Fleur d Orange regiment; the Eau de Rose battalion; the
Violet-pomatum Volunteers ; the Eau de Cologne cavalry
according to the different scents which they affected. Most
of the warriors wore lace ruffles ; all powder and pig-tails,
as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy dragoons
under the command of Count Alfred de Horsay, made
themselves conspicuous for their discipline, cruelty, and
the admirable cut of their coats ; and with these celebrated
horsemen came from England the illustrious Duke of Jen
kins with his superb footmen. They were all six feet
high. They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers.
They wore bags, their hair slightly powdered, brilliant
shoulder-knots, and cocked hats laced with gold. They
wore the tight knee-pantaloon of velveteen, peculiar to this
portion of the British infantry; and their legs were so
superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux embracing with tears
their admirable leader on parade, said, "Jenkins, France
never saw such calves until now." The weapon of this tre
mendous militia was an immense club or cane, reaching
from the sole of the foot to the nose, and heavily mounted
with gold. Nothing could stand before this terrific weapon ,
and the breastplates and plumed morions of the French
Cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 205
them, had they ever met in mortal combat. Between this
part of the Prince s forces and the Irish auxiliaries there was
a deadly animosity. Alas, there always is such in camps !
The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the
children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway.
The uniform of the latter was various the rich stuff
called corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur-de-Lion at Agincourt)
formed their lower habiliments for the most part : the na
tional frieze * yielded them tail coats. The latter were
generally torn in a fantastic manner at the elbows, skirts
and collars, and fastened with every variety of button,
tape and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the
alpeen, and the doodeen, of the country the latter a short
but dreadful weapon of offence. At the demise of the
venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had laid aside its
habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened
their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit.
Thus do men ever return to the haunts of their childhood,
such a power has fond memory over us ! The leaders of
this host seem to have been, however, an effeminate race ;
they are represented by contemporary historians as being
passionately fond of flying kites. Others say they went
into battle armed with "bills," no doubt rude weapons;
for it is stated that foreigners could never be got to accept
them in lieu of their own arms. The Princes of Mayo,
Sligo, and Connemara, marched by the side of their young
and royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son
of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald Isle.
Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded
by the republican imperialists, the other under the antique
French Lilies, were marching on the French capital. The
Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the Lunatic Asylum of
Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his cap
tivity which caused only derision in the capital. Such was
the state of the empire, and such the clouds that were gath
ering round the Sun of Orleans !
* Were these in any way related to the chevaua de frise, on which
the French cavalry were mounted?
206 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
CHAPTER IV.
THE BATTLE OF RHEIMS.
IT was not the first time that the king had had to
undergo misfortunes ; and now, as then, he met them like
a man. The Prince of Joinville was not successful in his
campaign against the Imperial Pretender j and that bravery
which had put the British fleets to flight, was found, as
might be expected, insufficient against the irresistible cour
age of native Frenchmen. The Horse-Marines, not being
on their own element, could not act with their usual effect.
Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling seas, they were
easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne
country.
It was literally in the Champagne country that the meet
ing between the troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon
took place; for both armies had reached Kheims, and a
terrific battle was fought underneath the walls. For some
time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville, en
trenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs. Euinart,
Moet, and others ; but making too free with the fascinat
ing liquor, the army at length became entirely drunk ; on
which the Imperialists, rushing into the cellars, had an
easy victory over them ; and, this done, proceeded to in
toxicate themselves likewise.
The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops,
was compelled with a few faithful followers to fly towards
Paris, and Prince Napoleon remained master of the field
of battle. It is needless to recapitulate the bulletin which
he published the day after the occasion, so soon as he and
his secretaries were in a condition to write. Eagles, pyra
mids, rainbows, the Sun of Austerlitz, etc., figured in the
proclamation, in close imitation of his illustrious uncle.
But the great benefit of the action was this : on arousing
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 207
from their intoxication, the late soldiers of Joinville kissed
and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army, and
made common cause with them.
" Soldiers ! said the Prince, on reviewing them the sec
ond day after the action. "The Cock is a gallant bird;
but he makes way for the Eagle ! your colours are not
changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow yours on
the ramparts of Constantine ; both are glorious. Soldiers
of Joinville ! we give you welcome, as we would welcome
your illustrious leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion.
Let him join us! We will march together against that
perfidious enemy!
" But, Soldiers ! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yes
terday s glorious day! Let us drink no more of the fasci
nating liquors of our native Champagne. Let us remember
Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge into dissipa
tion, that we have Kome still to conquer!
" Soldiers ! Seltzer water is good after too much drink.
Wait a while, and your Emperor will lead you into a
Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it lies BEYOND THE
RHINE!
Deafening shouts of " Vive VEmpereur ! " saluted this
allusion of the Prince, and the army knew that their nat
ural boundary should be restored to them. The compli
ments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville likewise
won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince s
cause. The Journal des Debats did not know which way
to turn. In one paragraph it called the Emperor " a san
guinary tyrant, murderer and pickpocket " ; in a second it
owned he was " a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of for
giveness " ; and, after proclaiming " the brilliant victory
of the Prince of Joinville," presently denominated it a
funeste journee.
The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him,
was about to march on Paris, when Messrs. Euinart and
Moe t were presented, and requested to be paid for 300,000
bottles of wine. " Send three hundred thousand more to
the Tuileries, " said the Prince, sternly ; " our soldiers will
208 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
be thirsty when they reach Paris ; and taking Moe t with
him as a hostage, and promising Ruinart that he would
have him shot unless he obeyed with trumpets playing
and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial army
marched on their triumphant way.
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 209
CHAPTER V.
THE BATTLE OF TOURS.
WE have now to record the expedition of the Prince of
Nemours against his advancing cousin, Henry V. His
Royal Highness could not march against the enemy with
such a force as he would have desired to bring against
them, for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast
amount of property he had stowed away under the Tui-
leries, refused to allow a single soldier to quit the forts
round the Capital, which thus was defended by one hun
dred and forty-four thousand guns (eighty-four pounders),
and four hundred and thirty-two thousand men : little
enough, when one considers that there were but three men
to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a popula
tion of double the amount within the walls, his Majesty
caused the country to be scoured for fifty miles round, and
left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass. When ap
pealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered district, the
Eoyal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart
bled for them that they were his children that every cow
taken from the meanest peasant was like a limb torn from
his own body ; but that duty must be done, that the inter
ests of the country demanded the sacrifice, and that in fact
they might go to the deuce this the unfortunate creatures
certainly did.
The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The
Journal des Debats stated every day that the Pretenders
were taken; the Chambers sat such as remained, and
talked immensely about honour, dignity, and the glorious
revolution of July ; and the King, as his power was now
pretty nigh absolute over them, thought this a good oppor
tunity to bring in a Bill for doubling his children s allow
ances all round.
210 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march ;
and as there was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris
wherewith to support his famished troops, it may be im
agined that he was forced to ransack the next fifty miles
in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops
were not such as they should have been, considering the
enemy with whom they had to engage.
The fact is, that most of the Duke s army consisted of
the National Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at
the cry of " La patrie en danger having been induced to
volunteer, had been eagerly accepted by his Majesty,
anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of food-
consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that
he selected the most gormandising battalions of the civic
force to send forth against the enemy; viz., the grocers,
the rich bankers, the lawyers, etc. Their parting with
their families was very affecting. They would have been
very willing to recall their offer of marching, but com
panies of stern veterans closing round them, marched them
to the city gates, which were closed upon them ; and thus
perforce they were compelled to move on. As long as he
had a bottle of brandy and a couple of sausages in his
holsters, the general of the National Guard, Odillon
Barrot, talked with tremendous courage. Such was the
power of his eloquence over the troops, that, could he have
come up with the enemy while his victuals lasted, the issue
of the combat might have been very different. But in the
course of the first day s march he finished both the sau
sages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent, and
crest-fallen.
It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of
silver Loire, that the armies sate down before each other,
and the battle was to take place which had such an effect
upon the fortunes of France. Twas a brisk day of March ;
the practised valour of Nernours showed him at once what
use to make of the army under his orders, and having
enfiladed his National Guard battalions, and placed his
artillery in echelons, he formed his cavalry into hollow
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 211
squares on the right and left of his line, flinging out a
cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the main column.
His veteran infantry he formed behind his National Guard
politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who wished to retire
under pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that the regu
lar troops would bayonet the National Guard if they gave
way an inch on which their general turning very pale, de
murely went back to his post. His men were dreadfully
discouraged ; they had slept on. the ground all night ; they
regretted their homes and their comfortable night-caps in
the Rue St. Honore; they had luckily fallen in with a
flock of sheep and a drove of oxen at Tours the day before ;
but what were these, compared to the delicacies of Che vet s
or three courses at Ye four s? They mournfully cooked
their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a
most wretched night.
The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them, for
the most part in better order. The noble cavalry regiments
found a village, in which they made themselves pretty
comfortable, Jenkins s Foot taking possession of the kitch
ens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish brigade, ac
customed to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato
fields, where they sang Moore s melodies all night. There
were, besides, the troops regular and irregular, about three
thousand priests and abbes with the army; armed with
scourging whips, and chanting the most lugubrious can
ticles; these reverend men were found to be a hin
drance than otherwise to the operations of the regular
forces.
It was a touching sight, in the morning before the battle,
to see the alacrity with which Jenkins s regiment sprung
up at the first reveille of the bell, and engaged (the hon
est fellows !) in offices almost menial for the benefit of their
French allies. The duke himself set the example, and
blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half -past ten,
after coffee, the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were
ready; their clarions rung to horse, their banners were
given to the wind, their shirt-collars were exquisitely
212 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
starched, and the whole air was scented with the odours of
their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs.
Jenkins had the honour of holding the stirrup for Henri.
" My faithful duke ! said the prince, pulling him by the
shoulder-knot, "thou art always at thy Post." "Here, as
in Wellington Street, sire," said the hero, blushing and
the prince made an appropriate speech to his chivalry, in
which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard, and
Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not spared.
"Ho! standard-bearer! J the prince concluded, "Fling out
my oriflamme. Noble gents of France, your King is
among you to-day !
Then, turning to the Prince of Bally bunion, who had
been drinking whisky-punch all night, with the Princes of
Sligo and Connemara, "Prince," he said, "the Irish bri
gade has won every battle in the French history we will
not deprive you of the honour of winning this. You will
please to commence the attack with your brigade." Bend
ing his head until the green plumes of his beaver mingled
with the mane of the Shetland pony which he rode, the
Prince of Ireland trotted off with his aides-de-camp, who
rode the same horse, a powerful grey, with which a dealer
at Nantes had supplied them on their and the prince s
joint bill at three months.
The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last
minute in their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the
summons of their beloved prince. Their toilet was the
work of a moment a single shake and it was done.
Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their
generals, who, turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely
determined to fight on foot. Behind them came the line of
British foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in
advance perfectly collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar.
The cavalry were on the right and left of the infantry,
prepared to act in pontoon, in echelon, or in ricochet, as
occasion might demand. The prince rode behind, sup
ported by his staff, who were almost all of them bishops,
archdeacons, or abbes, and the body of ecclesiastics fol-
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 213
lowed, singing to the sound, or rather howl, of serpents
and trombones, the Latin canticles of the revered Francis-
cus O Mahouy, lately canonised under the name of Saint
Francis of Cork.
The advanced lines of the two contending armies were
now in presence the national guard of Orleans, and the
Irish brigade. The white belts and fat paunches of the
guard presented a terrific appearance, but it might have
been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were
as white as their belts and the long line of their bayonets
might be seen to quiver. General Odillon Barrot, with a
cockade as large as a pancake, endeavoured to make a
speech the words, honneur, patrie, Fran$ais, champ-de-
lataille, might be distinguished, but the general was dread
fully flustered,, and was evidently more at home in the
Chamber of Deputies than in the field of war.
The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make
a speech. "Boys," said he, "we ve enough talking at
the Corn Exchange; bating s the word now." The Green-
Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo which sent ter
ror into the fat bosoms of the French.
"Gentlemen of the National Guard," said the prince,
taking off his hat, and bowing to Odillon Barrot, " will ye
be so igsthrarnely obleeging as to fire first." This he said
because it had been said at Fonterioy, but chiefly because
his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and there
fore could not fire.
But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National
Guardsmen ; for though they understood the musket-exer
cise pretty well, firing was the thing of all others they de
tested, the noise and the kick of the gun and the smell of
the powder being very unpleasant to them. "We won t
fire," said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Sau-
grenue and his regiment of the line which, it may be re
membered, was formed behind the National Guard.
"Then give them bayonet," said the colonel with a ter
rific oath. " Charge, corbleu f
At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that
214 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
ever was heard, the National Guard was seen to rush for
wards wildly, and with immense velocity towards the foe.
The fact is, that the line-regiment behind them, each
selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between
the coat tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded
forwards with an irresistible swiftness.
Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that
manoeuvre. The Irish brigade was scattered before it, as
chaff before the wind. The Prince of Ballybunion had
barely time to run Odillon Barrot through the body, when
he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered
tuniultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping.
The Princes of Donegal and Connemara were taken pris
oners, but though they offered to give bills at three
months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their
ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the
rear when the Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish
generals, and that they had been robbed of their ready
money by his troops, who had taken them prisoners, caused
a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and lent
them each a sum of money. How generous are men in
success! the Prince of Orleans was charmed with the con
duct of his National Guards, and thought his victory
secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with the brief
words, " We met the enemy before Tours. The National
Guard has done its duty. The troops of the Pretender
are routed. Vive le Roi ! The note, you may be sure,
appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the Editor who
only that morning had called Henri V. " a great Prince, an
august exile," denominated him instantly a murderer, slave,
thief, cut-throat, pickpocket, and burglar.
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 215
CHAPTER VI.
THE ENGLISH UNDER JENKINS.
BUT the prince had not calculated that there was a line
of British Infantry behind the routed Irish brigade. Borne
on with the hurry of the melee, flushed with triumph,
puffing and blowing with running, and forgetting, in the
intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks which
had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National
Guardsmen found themselves suddenly in presence of Jen
kins s Foot.
They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep.
" Up, Foot, and at them ! : were the memorable words
of the Duke Jenkins, as, waving his baton, he pointed
towards the enemy, and with a tremendous shout the stal
wart sons of England rushed on ! Down went plume and
cocked hat, down went corporal and captain, down went
grocer and tailor, under the long staves of the indomitable
English Footmen. " A Jenkins ! a Jenkins ! roared the
Duke, planting a blow which broke the aquiline nose of
Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. " St. George for
Mayf air ! ? shouted his followers, strewing the plain with
carcases. Not a man of the Guard escaped; they fell like
grass before the mower.
" They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais,"
said the Duke of Nemours, surveying them with his opera-
glass; " tis a pity they will all be cut up in half an hour.
Concombre ! take your dragoons, and do it ! " Kernein-
ber Waterloo, boys ! said Colonel Concornbre, twirling
his moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun,
and the gallant hussars prepared to attack the English
men.
Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and sur
veying the havoc of the field, was instantly aware of the
10 Vol. 19
216 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
enemy s manoeuvre. His people were employed rifling the
pockets of the National Guard, and had made a tolerable
booty when the great duke, taking a bell out of his pocket
(it was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife
or bugle) speedily called his scattered warriors together.
"Take the muskets to the Nationals," said he. They did
so. "Form in square, and prepare to receive cavalry ! r
By the time Concombre s regiment arrived, he found a
square of bristling bayonets with Britons behind them !
The colonel did not care to attempt to break that tre
mendous body. " Halt ! said he to his men.
" Fire ! screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness ; but
the guns of the National Guard not being loaded did not
in consequence go off. The hussars gave a jeer of derision,
but nevertheless did not return to the attack, and seeing
some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to charge
upon them.
The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided.
The Millefleur regiment broke before Concombre s hussars
instantaneously; the Eau de Rose dragoons stuck spurs
into their blood horses, and galloped far out of reach of
the opposing cavalry ; the Eau de Cologne lancers fainted
to a man, and the regiment of Concornbre, pursuing its
course, had actually reached the prince and his aides-de
camp, when the clergymen coming up formed gallantly
round the oriflainme, and the bassoons and serpents bray
ing again, set up such a shout of canticles, and anathemas,
and excommunications, that the horses of Concombre s
dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in their
turn broke and fled. As soon as they turned, the Vendean
riflemen fired amongst them, and finished them the gal
lant Concombre fell ; the intrepid though diminutive Cor-
nichon, his major, was cut down ; Cardon was wounded a
la moelle, and the wife of the fiery Navet was that day a
widow. Peace to the souls of the brave ! In defeat or in
victory, where can the soldier find a more fitting resting-
place than the glorious field of carnage? Only a few
disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre s regi-
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 217
ment reached Tours at night. They had left it, but
the day before, a thousand disciplined and high-spirited
men!
Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in
British hands, the intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on
his advantage and charged the Saugrenue Light Infantry
(now before him) with cold steel. The Frenchmen deliv
ered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins s
cockade, but did not abide the crossing of the weapons.
"A Frenchman dies, but never surrenders," said Sau
grenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole regiment
were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoner. The
blood of the Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their
curses were horrible; their courage tremendous. "On,
on ! hoarsely screamed they, and a second regiment met
them and was crushed, pounded, in the hurtling grinding
encounter. " A Jenkins, a Jenkins ! still roared the
heroic duke ; " St. George for Mayf air ! The Footmen of
England still yelled their terrific battle-cry, "Hurra,
hurra ! : On they went, regiment after regiment was anni
hilated, until scared at the very trample of the advancing
warriors, the dismayed troops of France screaming, fled.
Gathering his last warriors round about him, Nemours de
termined to make a last desperate effort. Twas vain ; the
ranks met ; the next moment the truncheon of the Prince
of Orleans was dashed from his hand by the irresistible
mace of the Duke Jenkins; his horse s shins were broken
by the same weapon. Screaming with agony, the animal
fell. Jenkins s hand was at the duke s collar in a mo
ment, and had he not gasped out " Je me rends," he would
have been throttled in that dreadful grasp !
Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine
regiments, their baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests,
fell into the hands of the victorious duke. He had avenged
the honour of Old England, and himself presenting the
sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who
now came up, the prince, bursting into tears, fell on his
neck, and said, " Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint
218 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
and you." It was indeed a glorious victory, but what will
not British valour attain?
The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note
to Paris, saying, "Sire, all is lost except honour! was
sent off in confinement, and, in spite of the entreaties of
his captor, was hardly treated with decent politeness.
The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when
the affair was over were for having the Prince shot at once,
and murmured loudly against " cet Anglais brutal," who
interposed in behalf of his prisoner. Henri V. granted
the Prince his life, but, no doubt misguided by the advice
of his noble and ecclesiastical councillors, treated the illus
trious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not
even ask him to supper that night.
" Well ! said Jenkins, " I and my merry men can sup
alone : and, indeed having had the pick of the plunder of
about 28,000 men, they had wherewithal to make them
selves pretty comfortable. The prisoners (25,403) were
all without difficulty induced to assume the white cockade.
Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in
their flannel waistcoats, where they swore they had worn
them ever since 1830. This we may believe, an we will ;
but the Prince Henri was too politic or too good-humoured
in the moment of victory to doubt the sincerity of his new
subjects protestations, and received the Colonels and Gen
erals affably at his table.
The next morning a proclamation was issued to the
united armies :
"Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre," said the
Prince, " the Saints have won for us a great victory the
enemies of our religion have been overcome the lilies are
restored to their native soil. Yesterday morning at eleven
o clock the army under my command engaged that which
was led by his Serene Highness the Duke de Nemours.
Our forces were but a third in number when compared
with those of the enemy. My faithful chivalry and nobles
made the strength, however, equal.
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 219
"The regiments of Fleur d Orange, Millefleur, and Eau
de Cologne, covered themselves with glory they sabred
many thousands of the enemy s troops. Their valour was
ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical friends ;
at a moment of danger they rallied round rny banner, and,
forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that they were
of the church militant indeed.
" My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with
becoming heroism but why particularize when all did
their duty? How remember individual acts when all were
heroes? ?
The Marshal of France, Sucre d Orgeville, Commander
of the army of H.M. Christian Majesty, recommended
about three thousand persons for promotion, and the in
dignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be
imagined when it is stated that they were not even men
tioned in the despatch !
As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Conne-
mara, they wrote off despatches to their government, say
ing, " The Duke of Nemours is beaten, and a prisoner ! ?
" The Irish brigade has done it all ! " on which His Majesty
the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the
Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which
he called Louis Philippe an "old miscreant," and paid the
highest compliments to his son and his troops. The King
on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan, Sir Gavan
Duffy (whose journals had published the news), and was
so delighted with the valour of his son, that he despatched
him his Order of the Pig and Whistle (1st class) and a
munificent present of five hundred thousand pounds in a
bill at three months. All Dublin was illuminated ; and at
a ball at the Castle, the Lord Chancellor Smith (Earl of
Smithereens), getting extremely intoxicated, called out the
Lord Bishop of Galway (the Dove) and they fought in the
Phoenix Park. Having shot the Right Reverend Bishop
through the body, Smithereens apologized. He was the
same practitioner who had rendered himself so celebrated
220 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
in the memorable trial of the King before the Act of In
dependence.
Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with
rapid strides towards Paris, whither the History likewise
must hasten ; for extraordinary were the events preparing
in that capital.
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 221
CHAPTER VII.
THE LEAGUER OF PARIS.
BY a singular coincidence, on the very same day, when
the armies of Henri V. appeared before Paris from the
Western Eoad, those of the Emperor John Thomas Napo
leon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place be
tween the advanced guards of the two parties, and much
slaughter ensued.
"Bon!* thought King Louis Philippe, who examined
them from his tower ; " they will kill each other ; this is
by far the most economical way of getting rid of them."
The astute monarch s calculations were admirably exposed
by a clever remark of the Prince of Bally bunion. " Faix,
Harry," says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious
son of Saint Louis resented), "you and him yandther, the
Emperor I mane, are like the Kilkenny cats, dear."
" j&Y que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince
de Ballybunion ? asked the most Christian King haughtily.
Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known
apologue of the animals, " ating each other all up but their
teelsj and that s what you and Imparial Pop yondther will
do, blazing away as ye are," added the jocose and royal
boy.
" Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres
affaires," answered Prince Henri sternly, for he was an.
enemy to anything like a joke; but there is always wis
dom in real wit, and it would have been well for His Most
Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious counsels of
his Irish ally.
The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with
the garrisons of some of the forts, and expected all would
declare for him. However, of the twenty-four forts which
we have described, eight only, and by the means of Mar-
222 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
shal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late years,
declared for Henri, and raised the white flag ; while eight
others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon before them
in the costume of his revered predecessor, at once flung
open their gates to him, and mounted the tricolour with
the eagle ; the remaining eight, into which the Princes of
the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained
constant to Louis Philippe, Nothing could induce that
Prince to quit the Tuileries. His money was there, and
he swore he would remain by it. In vain his sons offered
to bring him into one of the forts, he would not stir with
out his treasure ; they said they would transport it thither ;
but no, no ; the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to
his aged nose, and winking archly, said, " he knew a trick
worth two of that," and resolved to abide by his bags.
The theatres and cafes remained open as usual ; the funds
rose three centimes. The Journal des Debats published
three editions of different tones of politics ; one, the Jour
nal de V Empire , for the Napoleonites ; the Journal de la,
Legitimite, another very complimentary to the legitimate
monarch, and finally, the original edition bound heart and
soul to the dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had
to write all three, complained not a little that his salary
was not raised; but the truth is, that, by altering the
names, one article did indifferently for either paper. The
Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was al
ways issuing manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the
Parisians took little heed the Charivari proclaimed itself
his gazette, and was allowed to be very witty at the ex
pense of the three Pretenders.
As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles
round, the respective Princes of course were for throwing
. themselves into the forts, where there was plenty of pro
vision, and when once there, they speedily began to turn
out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to them, or
had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity.
These poor fellows, turned into the road, had no choice
but starvation j as to getting into Paris, that was impossi-
HISTORY OP THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 223
ble. A mouse could not have got into the place, so ad
mirably were the forts guarded, without having his head
taken off by a cannon ball. Thus the three conflicting
parties stood close to each other, hating each other, " will
ing to wound and yet afraid to strike," the victuals in
the forts, from the prodigious increase of the garrisons,
getting smaller every day. As for Louis Philippe in his
palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing that
a spark from one might set them, all blazing away, and that
he and his money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten
minutes, you may fancy his situation was not very com
fortable.
But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperi
alists nor the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the
two hundred and fifty billions in gold; nor would the
Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon that considerable sum
of money, and its possessor, their revered father. How
was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note
to His Most Christian Majesty (for they always styled each
other in this manner in their communications), proposing
that they should turn out and decide the quarrel sword in
hand, to which proposition Henri would have acceded, but
that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to ex
communicate him should he do so. Hence this simple way
of settling the dispute was impossible.
The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable
annoyance in the forts. Especially the poor English, as
Protestants, were subject to much petty persecutions, to
the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander. And it
must be confessed that these intrepid footmen were not so
amenable to discipline as they might have been. Kernem-
bering the usages of merry England, they clubbed together,
and swore they would have four meals of meat a day, wax
candles in the casemates, and their porter. These demands
were laughed at. The priests even called upon them to
fast on Fridays, on which a general mutiny broke out in
the regiment ; and they would have had a fourth standard
raised before Paris viz. that of England but the garrison
224 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
proving too strong for them, they were compelled to lay
down their sticks ; and, in consideration of past services,
were permitted to leave the forts. Twas well for them!
as you shall hear.
The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were
quartered in the fort which, in compliment to them, was
called Fort Potato, and where they made themselves as
comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes
had as much brandy as they liked, and passed their time
on the ramparts playing at dice or pitch and toss (with the
halfpenny that one of them somehow had) for vast sums of
money, for which they gave their notes of hand. The
warriors of their legion would stand round delighted ; and
it was "Musha, Masther Dan, but that s a good throw!"
" Good luck to you, Misther Pat, and throw thirteen this
time ! * and so forth. But this sort of inaction could not
last long. They had heard of the treasures amassed in the
Palace of the Tuileries ; they sighed when they thought of
the lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country.
They panted for war ! {They formed their plan.
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 225
CHAPTER VIII.
THE BATTLE OF THE FORTS.
ON the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Maj
esty Louis Philippe was at breakfast, reading the Debats
newspaper, and wishing that what the journal said about,
" Cholera Morbus in the Canip of the Pretender Henri "
"Chicken-pox raging in the forts of the Traitor Bona
parte," -might be true, what was his surprise to hear the
report of a gun ; and at the same instant whizz ! came an.
eighty-four pound ball through the window, and took off
the head of the faithful Monsieur de Montalivet, who was
coming in with a plate of muffins.
"Three francs for the window," said the monarch; "and
the muffins of course spoiled ;" and he sate down to break
fast very peevishly. Ah, King Louis Philippe, that shot
cost thee more than a window-pane more than a plate of
muffins it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty millions of
tax-payers.
The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. " Gracious
Heavens ! said the commander of the place to the Irish
prince, in a fury. " What has your Highness done?
"Faix," replied the other, "Donegal and I saw a spar
row on the Tuileries, and we thought we d have a shot afc
it, that s all." "Horroo! look out for squalls," here cried
the intrepid Hibernian, for at this moment one of Paix-
hans shells fell into the counterscarp of the demilune on
which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple
of embrasures flying about their ears.
Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe,
seeing Fort Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the
Tuileries, instantly replied by its guns, with which it
blazed away at the Bourbonite Fort. On seeing this, Fort
Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummel-
226 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
ling Twenty -three ; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two ; and
in a quarter of an hour the whole of this vast line of forti
fication was in a blaze of flame, flashing, roaring, cannon
ading, rocketing, bombing, in the most tremendous man
ner. The world has never, perhaps, before or since, heard
such an uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thun
dering at each other. Fancy the sky red with the fires of
hundreds of thousands of blazing, brazen meteors ; the air
thick with impenetrable smoke the universe almost in a
flame ! for the noise of the cannonading was heard on the
peaks of the Andes, and broke three windows in the English
factory at Canton. Boom, boom, boom! for three days in
cessantly the gigantic, I may say Cyclopean, battle went on ;
boom, boom, bong ! The air was thick with cannon balls ;
they hurled, they jostled each other in the heavens, and fell
whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into the very forts from
which they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong, brrwrrwrrr!
On the second day a band might have been seen (had the
smoke permitted it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort
Potato, and have been heard (if the tremendous clang of
the cannonading had allowed it) giving mysterious signs
and countersigns. "Tom" was the word whispered,
" Steele ; was the sibilated response (it is astonishing
how, in the roar of elements, the human whisper hisses
above all!) it was the Irish brigades assembling. "Now
or never, boys," said their leaders, and sticking their
doodeens into their mouths, they dropped stealthily into
the trenches, heedless of the broken glass and sword-
blades; rose from those trenches; formed in silent order;
and marched to Paris. They knew they could arrive there
unobserved nobody, indeed, remarked their absence.
The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing
themselves at their theatres and cafes as usual ; and a new
piece, in which Arnal performed, was the universal talk of
the foyers; while a new feuilleton, by Monsieur Eugene
Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated to the
journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme
without the walls.
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 227
CHAPTER IX.
LOUIS XVII.
THE tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular
effect upon the inhabitants of the great public hospital of
Charenton, in which it may be remembered Louis XVII.
had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty of de
meanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his
pretensions, had not failed to strike with awe and respect
his four thousand comrades of captivity. The Emperor of
China, the Princess of the Moon; Julius Caesar; Saint
Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome;
the Cacique of Mexico ; and several singular and illustrious
personages, who happened to be confined there, all held a
council with Louis XVII., and all agreed that now or
never was the time to support his legitimate pretensions to
the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around
them, they howled with furious delight in response they
took counsel together Doctor Pinel and the infamous
jailers who, under the name of keepers, held them in hor
rible captivity, were pounced upon and overcome in a
twinkling. The strait-waistcoats were taken off from the
wretched captives languishing in the dungeons ; the guar
dians were invested in these shameful garments, and with
triumphant laughter plunged under the douches. The
gates of the prison were flung open, and they marched
forth in the blackness of the storm !
.......
On the third day the cannonading was observed to de
crease ; only a gun went off fitfully now and then
!.
On the fourth day the Parisians said to one another,
* Tiens ! ils sont fatigues, les cannoniers des forts ! " and
228 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
why? Because there was no more powder? Ay, truly,
there was no more powder.
There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gun
ners, no more forts, no more nothing. The forts had blown
each other up. The battle-roar ceased. The battle-clouds
rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling stars, looked
blandly down from the serene azure, and all was peace
stillness the stillness of death. Holy, holy silence !
Yes, the battle of Paris was over. And where were the
combatants? All gone not one left! And where was
Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince was a captive in
the Tuileries. The Irish brigade was encamped around it.
They had reached the palace a little too late ; it was al
ready occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII.
That respectable monarch and his followers better knew
the way to the Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin.
They burst through the feeble barriers of the guards ; they
rushed triumphant into the kingly halls of the palace;
they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his an
cestors ; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats
of the fifth of November, an important article, which pro
claimed that the civil war was concluded :
" The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in
the world are at an end. Europe, which marked with sor
row the disturbances which agitated the bosom of the
Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilisation, may now
rest *in peace. That monarch whom we have long been
sighing for; whose image has lain hidden, and yet, oh!
how passionately worshipped in every French heart, is with
us once more. Blessings be on him ; blessings a thousand
blessings upon the happy country which is at length re
stored to his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable
sway!
"His Most Christian Majesty, Louis XVII., yesterday
arrived at his palace of the Tuileries, accompanied by his
august allies. His Eoyal Highness the Duke of Orleans
has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the king-
HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 229
dom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the
Palais Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his
Royal Highness, who happened to be in the late forts
round Paris (before the bombardment which has so happily
ended in their destruction), had returned to their father
before the commencement of the cannonading. They will
continue, as heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of
order and the throne.
" None can read without tears in their eyes our august
monarch s proclamation.
" * Louis, by etc.
" My children. After nine hundred and ninety-nine
years of captivity, I am restored to you. The cycle of
events predicted by the ancient magi, and the planetary
convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books, have
fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as al
ways in the depths of my dungeons I confidently expected)
in the triumph of the good angel, and the utter discomfit
ure of the abominable Blue Dragon.
" When the bombarding began, and the powers of dark
ness commenced their hellish gunpowder-evolutions, I was
close by in my palace of Charenton, three hundred and
thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring of Saturn I
witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and
I said, "Is the multiplication table a fiction? are the signs
of the Zodiac mere astronomers prattle? ?
" I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my phy
sician, Dr. Pinel. The keepers I shall cause to be roasted
alive. I summoned my allies round about me. The high
contracting powers came to my bidding. Monarchs, from
all parts of the earth ; sovereigns, from the moon and other
illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale
imprisoned genii : I whispered the mystic sign, and the
doors flew open. We entered Paris in triumph, by the
Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the
Octroi. The bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts,
and retreated howling j they knew us, and trembled.
230 HISTORY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION.
" My faithful peers and deputies will rally around me.
I have a friend in Turkey the grand vizier of the Mussul
mans he was a Protestant once; Lore Brougham, by name.
I have sent to him to legislate for us : he is wise in the
law, and astrology, and all sciences ; he shall aid my min
isters in their councils. I have written to him by the post.
There shall be no more infamous madhouses in France,
where poor souls shiver in strait-waistcoats.
" I recognised Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was
in his counting-house, counting out his money, as the old
prophecy warned me. He gave me up the keys of his
gold; I shall know well how to use it. Taught by adver
sity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I will
endow the land with noble institutions, instead of diabol
ical forts. I will have no more cannon founded. They
are a curse, and shall be melted the iron ones into rail
roads; the bronze ones into statues of beautiful saints,
angels, and wise men ; the copper ones into money, to be
distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love
them.
" There shall be no more poverty ; no more wars ; no
more avarice ; no more passports ; no more custom-houses ;
no more lying ; no more physic.
" ( My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I
will it. I am the King.
(Signed) "Louis."
" Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a
body of the English foot-guard under the Duke of Jenkins ;
they were at first about to sack the city, but on hearing
that the banner of the lilies was once more raised in
France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered his
allegiance to his Majesty. It was accepted ; and the Plush-
Guard has been established in place of the Swiss, who
waited on former sovereigns."
"The Irish brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to
enter our service. Their commander states that they took
HISTOKY OF THE NEXT FRENCH REVOLUTION. 231
every one of the forts round Paris, and having blown them
up, were proceeding to release Louis XVII. when they
found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their
glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Maj
esty the King of the Irish. It will be a new laurel to add
to his green crown ! *
And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of
the great French Revolution of 1884. It records the ac
tions of great and various characters ; the deeds of vari
ous valour ; it narrates wonderful reverses of fortune j it
affords the moralist scope for his philosophy ; perhaps it
gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the
latter imagine, because there is not a precise moral affixed
to the story, that its tendency is otherwise than good. He
is a poor reader, for whom his author is obliged to supply
a moral application. It is well in spelling-books and for
children; it is needless for the reflecting spirit. The
drama of Punch himself is not moral ; but that drama has
had audiences all over the world. Happy he who in our
dark times can cause a smile! Let us laugh then, and
gladden in the sunshine, though it be but as the ray upon
the pool, that flickers only over the cold black depths
below !
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTER I.
SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG.
IT was in the good old days of chivalry, when every
mountain that bathes its shadow in the Rhine had its
castle : not inhabited, as now, by a few rats and owls, nor
covered with nioss and wall-flowers, and funguses, and
creeping ivy. No, no ! where the ivy now clusters there
grew strong portcullis and bars of steel; where the wall
flower now quivers on the rampart there were silken ban
ners embroidered with wonderful heraldry; men-at-arms
marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a
hideous black champignon ; and in place of the rats and
owlets, I warrant me there were ladies and knights to revel
in the great halls, and to feast, and to dance, and to make
love there. They are passed away: those old knights
and ladies : their golden hair first changed to silver, and
then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever ; their
elegant legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swol
len and gouty, and then, from being swollen and gouty,
dwindled down to bare bone-shanks ; the roses left their
cheeks, and then their cheeks disappeared, and left their
skulls, and then their skulls powdered into dust, and all
sign of them was gone. And as it was with them, so shall
it be with us. Ho, seneschal ! fill me a cup of liquor ! put
sugar in it, good fellow yea, and a little hot water ; a
very little, for my soul is sad, as I think of those days and
knights of old.
They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are
they? gone? nay, not altogether gone ; for doth not the
236 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
eye catch glimpses of them as they walk yonder in the grey
linibo of romance, shining faintly in their coats of steel,
wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long-
tailed gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees
them : the poet sees them still in the far-off Cloudland,
and hears the ring of their clarions as they hasten to battle
or tourney and the dim echoes of their lutes chanting of
love and fair ladies ! Gracious privilege of poesy ! It is as
the Dervish s collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to
see treasures that to the sight of donkeys are invisible.
Blessed treasures of fancy ! I would not change ye no,
not for many donkey -loads of gold. . . . Fill again, jolly
seneschal, thou brave wag ; chalk me up the produce on the
hostel door surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the
wondrous liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and
princesses look blandly down on us from the cloudy per
fume of the pipe. Do you know in what year the fairies
left the Rhine?- -long before Murray s "Guide-Book" was
wrote long before squat steamboats, with snorting fun
nels, came paddling down the stream. Do you not know
that once upon a time the appearance of eleven thousand
British virgins was considered at Cologne as a wonder?
Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accom
panied by their ladies -maids. But of them we will say no
more let us back to those who went before them.
Many many hundred thousand years ago, and at the ex
act period when chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred
a little history upon the banks of the Rhine, which has
been already written in a book, and hence must be posi
tively true. Tis a story of knights and ladies of love
and battle, and virtue rewarded ; a story of princes and
noble lords, moreover: the best of company. Gentles, an
ye will, ye shall hear it. Fair dames and damsels, may
your loves be as happy as those of the heroine of this
romaunt.
On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of
October, in the year previously indicated, such travellers
as might have chanced to be abroad in that bitter night,
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 237
might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer journeying on the
road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not
tall in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and
Time, which had browned and furrowed his cheek and
sprinkled his locks with grey, declared pretty clearly that
He must have been acquainted with the warrior for some
fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a pow
erful and active battle-horse, which (though the way the
pair had come that day was long and weary indeed) yet
supported the warrior, his armour and luggage, with
seeming ease. As it was in a friend s country, the knight
did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet,
which hung at his saddle-bow over his portmanteau. Both
were marked with the coronet of a count ; and from the
crown which surmounted the helmet, rose the crest of his
knightly race, an arm proper lifting a naked sword.
At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior s grasp,
hung his mangonel or mace a terrific weapon which had
shattered the brains of many a turbaned soldan : while over
his broad and ample chest there fell the triangular shield
of the period, whereon were emblazoned his arms argent,
a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second : the lat
ter device was awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon,
by the Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the German
Peerage of that day, or a knowledge of high families which
every gentleman then possessed, would have sufficed to
show at once that the rider we have described was of the
noble house of Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant
knight Sir Ludwig of Hombourg : his rank as a count, and
chamberlain of the Emperor of Austria, was marked by
the cap of maintenance with the peacock s feather which he
wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely blood
was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a
very meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which,
as it is known, in the Middle Ages, none but princes were
justified in using. A bag, fastened with a brazen padlock,
and made of the costly produce of the Persian looms (then
extremely rare in Europe), told that he had travelled in
238 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
Eastern climes. This, too, was evident from the inscrip
tion writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the bag. It
first ran, " Count Ludwig de Hornbourg, Jerusalem " ; but
the name of the Holy City had been dashed out with the
pen, and that of " Godesberg : substituted. So far indeed
had the cavalier travelled ! and it is needless to state that
the bag in question contained such remaining articles of the
toilet as the high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place
in his valise.
" By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen ! said the good
knight, shivering, " tis colder here than at Damascus!
Marry, I am so hungry I could eat one of Saladin s camels.
Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner? And taking
out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his
embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by
finding that it was but seven of the night, and that he
would reach Godesberg ere the warder had sounded the
second gong.
His opinion was borne out by the result. His good
steed, which could trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the
hour, brought him to this famous castle, just as the warder
was giving the first welcome signal which told that the
princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg,
were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight
o clock. Crowds of pages and horsekeepers were in the
court, when, the portcullis being raised, and amidst the
respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most ancient friend
of the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard.
The under-butler stepped forward to take his bridle-rein.
" Welcome, Sir Count, from the Holy Land ! exclaimed
the faithful old man. "Welcome, Sir Count, from the
Holy Land! cried the rest of the servants in the hall.
A stable was speedily found for the Count s horse, Streit-
hengst, and it was not before the gallant soldier had seen
that true animal well cared for, that he entered the castle
itself, and was conducted to his chamber. Wax candles
burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china vases, every
variety of soap, and a flask of the precious essence manu-
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 239
factured at the neighbouring city of Cologne, were dis
played on his toilet table ; a cheering fire " crackled on the
hearth," and showed that the good knight s coming had
been looked and cared for. The serving-maidens, bringing
him hot water for his ablutions, smiling asked, " Would he
have his couch warmed at eve? One might have been
sure from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an
arch reply. The family tonsor came to know whether the
noble Count had need of his skill. "By Saint Bugo," said
the knight, as seated in an easy settle by the fire, the ton
sor rid his chin of its stubbly growth, and lightly passed
the tongs and pomatum through " the sable silver of his
hair, "By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at
Grand Cairo. How is my godson Otto, master barber ; and
the Lady Countess, his mother ; and the noble Count Karl,
my dear brother-in-arms?
"They are well," said the tonsor, with a sigh.
"By Saint Bugo, I m glad on t; but why that sigh?
"Things are not as they have been with my good lord,"
answered the hairdresser, "ever since Count Gottfried s
arrival. "
" He here ! " roared Sir Ludwig. " Good never came
where Gottfried was ! n and the while he donned a pair of
silken hose, that showed admirably the proportions of his
lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the spot
less vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa,
which was the fitting costume for "knight in ladye s
bower," the knight entered into a conversation with the
barber, who explained to him, with the usual garrulousness
of his tribe, what was the present position of the noble
family of Godesberg.
This will be narrated in the next chapter.
ii Vol. 19
MO A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTER II.
THE GODESBERGERS.
Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig
of Hombourg found in the bosom of his friend s family a
cordial welcome. The brother-in-arms of the Margrave
Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the Margravine, the
exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppurn, and (albeit no
theologian, and although the first princes of Christendom
coveted such an honour) he was selected to stand as sponsor
for the Margrave s son Otto, the only child of his house.
It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess
had been united: and although Heaven had not blessed
their couch with more than one child, it may be said of
that one that it was a prize, and that surely never lighted
on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Lud
wig, hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved
godchild, he had left him a boy ; he now found him, as the
Matter rushed into his arms, grown to be one of the finest
/oung men in Germany: tall and excessively graceful in
proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his
cheek, that was likewise adorned with the first down of
manhood, and with magnificent golden ringlets, such as a
Rowland might envy, curling over his brow and his shoul
ders. His eyes alternately beamed with the fire of daring,
or melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well
might a mother be proud of such a boy. Well might the
brave Ludwig exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his
breast, "By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou
art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion s grenadiers! " and it was
the fact: the "Childe" of Godesberg measured six feet
three.
He was habited for the evening meal in the costly though
simple attire of the nobleman of the period and his cos-
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 241
tume a good deal resembled that of the old knight whose
toilet we have just described ; with the difference of colour,
however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of Godes-
berg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of
carved and embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leg
gings, were of the stuff of Nanquin, then brought by the
Lombard argosies at an immense price from China. The
neighbouring country of Holland had supplied his wrists
and bosom with the most costly laces ; and thus attired,
with an opera-hat placed on one side of his head, orna
mented with a single flower (that brilliant one, the tulip),
the boy rushed into his godfather s dressing-room, and
warned him that the banquet was ready.
It was indeed : a frown had gathered on the dark brows
of the Lady Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emo
tion akin to indignation ; for she feared lest the soups in
the refectory and the splendid fish now smoking there
were getting cold : she feared not for herself, but for her
lord s sake. "Godesberg," whispered she to Count Lud-
wig, as trembling on his arm they descended from the
drawing-room, "Godesberg is sadly changed of late."
" By Saint Bugo ! said the burly knight, starting,
"these are the very words the barber spake."
The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the
soup-tureen. For some time the good Knight Ludwig of
Hombourg was too much occupied in ladling out the force
meat balls and rich calves head of which the delicious
pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay,
marry, and in eating them, too) to look at his brother-in
arms at the bottom of the table, where he sat with his
son on his left hand, and the Baron Gottfried on his right.
The Margrave was indeed changed. "By Saint Bugo,"
whispered Ludwig to the Countess, " your husband is as
surly as a bear that hath been wounded o the head."
Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The
soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig re
marked that the Margrave sent all away untasted.
"The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg," said
242 A LEGEND OF THE RHIXE.
the Margrave gloomily from the end of the table. Not
even an invitation to drink : how different was this from,
the old times!
But when, in compliance with this order, the boteler
proceeded to hand round the mantling vintage of the Cape
to the assembled party, and to fill young Otto s goblet
(which the latter held up with the eagerness of youth), the
Margrave s rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son;
he dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest ; and giving
him three or four heavy blows which would have knocked
down a bonasus, but only caused the young Childe to blush :
You take wine ! roared out the Margrave ; " you dare to
help yourself! Who the d-v-1 gave you leave to help
yourself? 3 and the terrible blows were reiterated over the
delicate ears of the boy.
"Ludwig! Ludwig! shrieked the Margravine.
"Hold your prate, madam," roared the Prince. "By
Saint Buffo, mayn t a father beat his own child? "
" His OWN CHILD ! " repeated the Margrave with a burst,
almost a shriek, of indescribable agony. " Ah, what did I
say? "
Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze ; Sir Gottfried
(at the Margrave s right hand) smiled ghastlily ; the young
Otto was too much agitated by the recent conflict to wear
any expression but that of extreme discomfiture ; but the
poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red
almost as the lobster which flanked the turbot before her.
In those rude old times, tis known such table quarrels
were by no means unusual amongst gallant knights j and
Ludwig, who had oft seen the Margrave cast a leg of mut
ton at an offending servitor, or empty a sauce-boat in the
direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one of
the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend,
and wisely determined to change the converse.
"How is my friend," said he, "the good knight, Sir
Hildebrandt? "
" By Saint Buffo, this is too much ! screamed the Mar
grave, and actually rushed from the room.
A LEGEND OF THE EHINE. 243
"By Saint Bugo," said his friend, "gallant knights,
gentle sirs, what ails niy good Lord Margrave? :
"Perhaps his nose bleeds," said Gottfried with a sneer.
"Ah, my kind friend," said the Margravine with uncon
trollable emotion, " I fear some of you have passed from
the frying-pan into the fire." And making the signal of
departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to coffee in
the drawing-room.
The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat
more collected than he had been. " Otto," he said sternly,
" go join the ladies : it becomes not a young boy to remain
in the company of gallant knights after dinner." The
noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room,
and the Margrave, taking his lady s place at the head of
the table, whispered to Sir Ludwig, " Hildebrandt will
be here to-night to an evening party, given in honour of
your return from Palestine. My good friend my true
friend my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried ! you had
best see that the tiddlers be not drunk, and that the crum
pets be gotten ready." Sir Gottfried, obsequiously taking
his patron s hint, bowed and left the room.
"You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig," said the Mar
grave with a heartrending look. " You marked Gottfried,
who left the room anon?
"I did."
" You look incredulous concerning his worth ; but I tell
thee, Ludwig, that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and
my fast friend. Why should he not be? He is my near
relation, heir to my property : should 1 9: (here the Mar
grave s countenance assumed its former expression of ex
cruciating agony), "should I have no son."
"But I never saw the boy in better health," replied Sir
Ludwig.
"Nevertheless, ha! ha! it may chance that I shall
soon have no son."
The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during
dinner, and Sir Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant
friend had drunken rather deeply. He proceeded in this
244 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
respect to imitate him ; for the stern soldier of those days
neither shrunk before the Paynirn nor the punch- bowl : and
many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria
with lion-hearted Eichard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of
Bouillon ; nay, with the dauntless Saladin himself.
"You knew Gottfried in Palestine? " asked the Marquis
"I did."
" Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades
should, with the warm grasp of friendship? It is not be
cause Sir Gottfried is poor? You know well that he is of
race as noble as thine own, my early friend!
"I care not for his race nor for his poverty," replied the
blunt crusader. "What says the Minnesinger? Marry,
the rank is but the stamp of the guinea ; the man is the
gold. And I tell thee, Karl of Godesberg, that yonder
Gottfried is base metal."
"By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig."
"By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow
was known i the camp of the crusaders disreputably
known. Ere he joined us in Palestine, he had sojourned
in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He
is a cogger of dice, I tell thee a chanter of horseflesh.
He won five thousand marks from bluff Eichard of Eng
land the night before the storming of Ascalon, and I caught
him with false trumps in his pocket. He warranted a bay
mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had fired
her."
" Ha ! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a leg ? r cried Sir
Karl, knitting his brows. " Now, by my blessed patron,
Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other but Ludwig of Hom-
bourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to chine."
" By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my
words on Sir Gottfried s body not on thine, old brother-
in-arms. And to do the knave justice, he is a good lance.
Holy Bugo ! but he did good service at Acre ! But his
character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was dis
missed the army ; nor even allowed to sell his captain s
commission. "
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 245
"I have heard of it," said the Margrave; "Gottfried
bath told ine of it. Twas about some silly quarrel over
the wine-cup a mere silly jape, believe me. Hugo de
Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board. Gott
fried was wroth, and, to say sooth, flung the black bottle at
the Count s head. Hence his dismission and abrupt re
turn. But you know not," continued the Margrave, with
a heavy sigh, " of what use that worthy Gottfried has beea
to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me."
"Not yet" answered Hombourg satirically.
"By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous
damnable traitor! a nest of traitors. Hildebrandt is a
traitor Otto is a traitor and Theodora (0 Heaven!) she
she is another. " The old Prince burst into tears at the
word, and was almost choked with emotion.
"What means this passion, dear friend? " cried Sir Lud-
wig, seriously alarmed.
"Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora to
gether: mark Hildebrandt and Otto together. Like, like
I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints, that I should be
born to suffer this! to have all my affections wrenched
out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age ! But,
hark! the guests are arriving. An ye will not empty an
other flask of claret, l^t us join the ladyes i the withdraw
ing chamber. Wherj. there, mark Hildebrandt and Otto ! "
246 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTER III.
THE FESTIVAL.
THE festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback,
or in their caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank
were assembled in the grand saloon of Godesberg, which
was splendidly illuminated to receive them. Servitors, in
rich liveries (they were attired in doublets of the sky-blue
broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit
the colours of the house of Godesberg), bore about vari
ous refreshments on trays of silver cakes, baked in the
oven, and swimming in melted butter ; munchets of bread,
smeared with the same delicious condiment, and carved so
thin that you might have expected them to take wing and
fly to the ceiling ; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit,
after his excursion into Arabia, and tea such as only Bo
hemia could produce, circulated amidst the festive throng,
and were eagerly devoured by the guests. The Margrave s
gloom was unheeded by them how little indeed is the
smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the
breasts of those who bid them to the feast ! The Margra
vine was pale ; but woman knows how to deceive ; she was
more than ordinarily courteous to her friends, and laughed,
though the laugh was hollow ; and talked, though the talk
was loathsome to her.
"The two are together," said the Margrave, clutching
his friend s shoulder. " Now look f
Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure
enough, were Sir Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side
by side in the dance. Two eggs were not more like ! The
reason of the Margrave s horrid suspicion at once flashed
across his friend s mind.
" Tis clear as the staff of a pike," said the poor Mar
grave mournfully. "Come, brother, away from the scene;
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 247
let us go play a game at cribbage ! " and retiring to the
Margravine s boudoir, the two warriors sat down to the
game.
But though tis an interesting one, and though the Mar
grave won, yet he could not keep his attention on the
cards: so agitated was his mind by the dreadful secret
which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play, the
obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his pa
tron s ear, which threw the latter into such a fury, that
apoplexy was apprehended by the two lookers-on. But the
Margrave mastered his emotion. " At what time, did you
say? said he to Gottfried.
"At daybreak, at the outer gate."
"I will be there."
"And so will I too," thought Count Ludwig, the good
Knight of Hornbourg.
248 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTEE IV.
THE FLIGHT.
How often does man, proud man, make calculations for
the future, and think he can bend stern fate to his will !
Alas, we are but creatures in its hands ! How many a
slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup ! How often,
though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon,
do we find ourselves dashed to earth ; and then we are fain
to say the grapes are sour, because we cannot attain them ;
or worse, to yield to anger in consequence of our own
fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was not at the outer
gate at daybreak.
He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night s
potations had been heavy, the day s journey had been long
and rough. The knight slept as a soldier would, to whom
a feather bed is a rarity, and who wakes not till he hears
the blast of the reveille.
He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Mar
grave. He had been there for hours, watching his slum
bering comrade. Watching? no, not watching, but awake
by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably bitter
over feelings inexpressibly wretched.
"What s o clock? was the first natural exclamation of
the Hombourger.
"I believe it is five o clock," said his friend. It was
ten. It might have been twelve, two, half-past four,
twenty minutes to six, the Margrave would still have said,
"7 believe it is jive o clock" The wretched take no count
of time : it flies with unequal pinions, indeed, for them.
"Is breakfast over? * inquired the crusader.
" Ask the butler," said the Margrave, nodding his head
wildly, rolling his eyes wildly, smiling wildly.
" Gracious Bugo ! " said the Knight of Hombourg, " what
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 249
has ailed thee, rny friend? It is ten o clock by my hor
ologe. Your regular hour is nine. You are not no, by
heavens ! you are not shaved ! You wear the tights and
silken hose of last evening s banquet. Your collar is all
rumpled tis that of yesterday. You have not been to bed f
What has chanced, brother of mine ; what has chanced?
" A common chance, Louis of Hombourg," said the Mar
grave : " one that chances every day. A false woman, a
false friend, a broken heart. This has chanced. I have
not been to bed."
" What mean ye? cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected.
" A false friend? I am not a false friend. A false woman?
Surely the lovely Theodora, your wife "
"I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no
son."
In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what
had occurred. Gottfried s information was but too correct.
There was a cause for the likeness between Otto and Sir
Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt arid Theodora
had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen
them. They walked along together ; they embraced. Ah!
how the husband s, the father s, feelings were harrowed at
that embrace ! They parted ; and then the Margrave, com
ing forward, coldly signified to his lady that she was to
retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy
should be sent too, to take the vows at a monastery.
Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and
guarded by a company of his father s rnen-at-arms, was on
the river going towards Cologne, to the Monastery of Saint
Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under the guard of Sir
Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to the con
vent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have
seen the beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the
bright waters of the Khine !
" What road did Gottfried take? " asked the Knight of
Hombourg, grinding his teeth.
" You cannot overtake him," said the Margrave. "Mjr
250 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
good Gottfried, lie is my only comfort now : he is my kins
man, and shall be my heir. He will be back anon."
" Will he so? " thought Sir Ludwig. " I will ask him a
few questions ere he return." And springing from his
couch, he began forthwith to put on his usual morning dress
of complete armour ; and, after a hasty ablution, donned,
not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He
rang the bell violently.
" A cup of coffee, straight," said he, to the servitor who
answered the summons ; " bid the cook pack me a sausage
and bread in paper, and the groom saddle Streithengst : we
have far to ride."
The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought ;
the refreshments disposed of; the clattering steps of the
departing steed were heard in the courtyard; but the Mar
grave took no notice of his friend, and sat, plunged in
silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 251
CHAPTER V.
THE TRAITOR S DOOM.
THE Hombourger led his horse down the winding path
which conducts from the hill and castle of Godesberg into
the beautiful green plain below. Who has not seen that
lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not loved it? A
thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around in
peaceful luxuriance j the mighty Ehine floats by it in sil
ver magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise the seven
mountains robed in majestic purple, the rnonarchs of the
royal scene.
A. pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very
scene, has mentioned that "peasant girls, with dark blue
eyes, and hands that offer cake and wine," are perpetually
crowding round the traveller in this delicious district, and
proffering to him their rustic presents. This was no doubt
the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his
elegant poems in the happy ancient days ! when maidens
were as yet generous, and men kindly ! Now the degen
erate peasantry of the district are much more inclined to
ask than to give, and their blue eyes seem to have disap
peared with their generosity.
But as it was a long time ago that the events of our
story occurred, His probable that the good Knight Ludwig
of Hornbourg was greeted upon his path by this fascinating
peasantry ; though we know not how he accepted their
welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green
country until he came to Eolandseck, whence he could
command the Island of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine
opposite that place), and all who went to it or passed
from it.
Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks
hanging above the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and cov-
252 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
ered with, odoriferous cactuses and silvery magnolias, the
traveller of the present day may perceive a rude broken
image of a saint: that image represented the venerable
Saint Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave ; and Sir
Ludwig, kneeling on the greensward, and reciting a censer,
an ave, and a couple of acolytes before it, felt encouraged
to think that the deed he meditated was about to be per
formed under the very eyes of his friend s sanctified pa
tron. His devotion done (and the knight of those days
was as pious as he was brave), Sir Ludwig, the gallant
Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud voice :
" Ho ! hermit ! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell !
" Who calls the poor servant of Heaven and Saint
Buffo? 7> exclaimed a voice from the cavern; and presently,
from beneath the wreaths of geranium and magnolia, ap
peared an intensely venerable, ancient, and majestic head
- twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo s solitary.
A silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an ap
pearance of great respectability; his body was robed in
simple brown serge, and girt with a knotted cord ; his an
cient feet were only defended from the prickles and stones by
the rudest sandals, and his bald and polished head was bare.
"Holy hermit," said the knight in a grave voice, "make
ready thy ministry, for there is some one about to die."
"Where, son?"
"Here, father."
"Is he here, now?
"Perhaps," said the stout warrior, crossing himself;
"but not so if right prevail." At this moment he caught
sight of a ferry-boat putting off from Nonnenwerth, with
a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by the sinople
reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was
Sir Gottfried of Godesberg.
"Be ready, father," said the good knight, pointing
towards the advancing boat ; and waving his hand by way
of respect to the reverend hermit, without a further word
lie vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for a few score
of paces, when he wheeled round, and remained steady.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 253
His great lance and pennon rose in the air. His armour
glistened in the sun ; the chest and head of his battle-horse
were similarly covered with steel. As Sir Gottfried, like
wise armed and mounted (for his horse had been left at the
ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started
at the figure before him a glistening tower of steel.
"Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight? said Sir
Gottfried haughtily, " or do you hold it against all comers,
in honour of your lady-love? }
" I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against
all comers. I hold it but against one, and he is a liar and
a traitor."
"As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me
pass," said Gottfried.
" The matter does concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg.
Liar and traitor! art thou coward, too?
"Holy Saint Buffo! His a fight! exclaimed the old
hermit (who, too, had been a gallant warrior in his day) ;
and like the old war-horse that hears the trumpet s sound,
and spite of his clerical profession, he prepared to look on
at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and sat down on
the overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and
affecting unconcern, but in reality most deeply interested
in the event which was about to ensue.
As soon as the word " coward " had been pronounced by
Sir Ludwig, his opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible
to be inscribed here, had wheeled back his powerful pie
bald, and brought his lance to the rest.
"Ha! Beauseant!" cried he. "Allah humdillah!"
Twas the battle-cry in Palestine of the irresistible Knights
Hospitallers. "Look to thyself, Sir Knight, and for
mercy from Heaven, /will give thee none."
" A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen ! ? exclaimed Sir Ludwig
piously: that, too, was the well-known war-cry of his
princely race.
f l will give the signal," said the old hermit, waving his
pipe. "Knights, are you ready? One, two, three. Los!"
(Let go.)
254 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like
whirlwinds; the two knights, two flashing perpendicular
masses of steel, rapidly converged; the two lances met
upon the two shields of either, and shivered, splintered,
shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which whirled
through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the
trees, or in the river. The two horses fell back trembling
on their haunches, where they remained for half a minute
or so.
" Holy Buffo ! a brave stroke ! J said the old hermit.
" Marry, but a splinter well-nigh took off my nose ! " The
honest hermit waved his pipe in delight, not perceiving
that one of the splinters had carried off the head of it, and
rendered his favourite amusement impossible. "Ha! they
are to it again ! O my ! how they go to with their great
swords! Well stricken, grey! Well parried, piebald!
Ha, that was a slicer! Go it, piebald! go it, grey^-go
it, grey! go it, pie- Peccavi! peccavi! said the old
man, here suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on
his knees. "I forgot I was a man of peace. " And the
next moment, uttering a hasty matin, he sprang down the
ledge of rock, and was by the side of the combatants.
The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was,
his strength and skill had not been able to overcome Sir
Ludwig the Hombourger, with RIGHT on his side. He was
bleeding at every point of his armour : he had been run
through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, de
livered with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown
of his helmet of Damascus steel, and passing through the
cerebellum and sensoriuin, had split his nose almost in
twain.
His mouth foaming his face almost green his eyes full
of blood his brains spattered over his forehead, and sev
eral of his teeth knocked out the discomfited warrior pre
sented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling under the effects of
the last tremendous blow which the Knight of Hornbourg
dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his pie
bald charger ; the frightened animal whisked his tail wildly
A LEGEND OP THE RHINE. 255
with a shriek and a snort, plunged out his hind legs,
trampling for one moment upon the feet of the prostrate
Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek with agony, and
then galloped away riderless.
Away ! ay, away ! away amid the green vineyards and
golden cornfields ; away up the steep mountains, where he
frightened the eagles in their eyries ; away down the clat
tering ravines, where the flashing cataracts tumble ; away
through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves
are howling ; away over the dreary wolds, where the wild
wind walks alone ; away through the plashing quagmires,
where the will-o -the-wisp slunk frightened among the
reeds ; away through light and darkness, storm and sun
shine; away by tower and -town, highroad and hamlet.
Once a turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha!
ha ! he charged the pike, and cleared it at a bound. Once
the Cologne Diligence stopped the way: he charged the
Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the
roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly
on ! Brave horse ! gallant steed ! snorting child of Araby !
On went the horse, over mountains, rivers, turnpikes,
apple- women ; and never stopped until he reached a livery-
stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to put
him up.
256 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTER VI.
THE CONFESSION.
BUT we have forgotten, meanwhile, the prostrate indi
vidual. Having examined the wounds in his side, legs,
head, and throat, the old hermit (a skilful leech) knelt
down by the side of the vanquished one and said, "Sir
Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are
in an exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not prob
ably survive."
" Say you so, Sir Priest? then tis time I make my con
fession. Hearken you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, who
ever you be."
Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been
tying his horse up to a tree) lifted his visor and said,
" Gottfried of G-odesberg ! I am the friend of thy kinsman,
Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined ; I am
the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame
thou hast belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto,
whose heritage thou wouldst have appropriated. There
fore I met thee in deadly fight, and overcame thee, and
have well-nigh finished thee. Speak on."
" I have done all this," said the dying man, "and here,
in my last hour, repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spot
less lady ; the youthful Otto the true son of his father
Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his uncle."
"Gracious Buffo!" "Celestial Bugo!" here said the
hermit and the Knight of Hoinbourg simultaneously, clasp
ing their hands.
" Yes, his uncle; but with the bar-sinister in his scutch
eon. Hence he could never be acknowledged by the family ;
hence, too, the Lady Theodora s spotless purity (though
the young people had been brought up together) could
never be brought to own the relationship."
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 257
"May I repeat your confession? asked the hermit.
" With the greatest pleasure in life : carry my confession
to the Margrave, and pray him give me pardon. Were
there a notary-public present," slowly gasped the knight,
the film of dissolution glazing over his eyes, " I would ask
you two gentlemen to witness it. I would gladly
sign the deposition that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr-ite !
A faint shuddering smile a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle the
blood gushed from his mouth in black volumes. . . .
" He will never sin more," said the hermit solemnly.
" May Heaven assoilzie him ! said Sir Ludwig. " Her
mit, he was a gallant knight. He died with harness on
his back, and with truth on his lips : Ludwig of Hombourg
would ask no other death. . . ."
An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle
of Godesberg were rather surprised to see the noble Lord
Louis trot into the courtyard of the castle, with a com
panion on the crupper of his saddle. Twas the venerable
Hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater celer
ity, had adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose
appearance and little dumpy legs might well create hilarity
among the " pampered menials who are always found
lounging about the houses of the great. He skipped off
the saddle with considerable lightness, however ; and Sir
Ludwig, taking the reverend man by the arm, and f Downing
the jeering servitors into awe, bade one of them lead him
to the presence of His Highness the Margrave.
" What has chanced? said the inquisitive servitor.
" The riderless horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by
the outer wall anon. The Margrave s Grace has never
quitted your Lordship s chamber, and sits as one dis
traught."
"Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on! " And so say
ing, the Knight and his Reverence moved into the well-
known apartment, where, according to the servitor s de
scription, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone.
Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man s
hands, the hermit seized the other, and began (but on ac-
258 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
count of his great age, with a prolixity which we shall not
endeavour to imitate) to narrate the events which we have
already described. Let the dear reader fancy, the while
his Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave
gradually lighting up with attention ; the flush of joy which
mantles in his countenance the start the throb the al
most delirious outburst of hysteric exultation with which,
when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the two
messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy
that almost choked the aged recluse! "Ride, ride this
instant to the Margravine say I have wronged her, that it
is all right, that she may come back that I forgive her
that I apologise, if you will " and a secretary forthwith
despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a
fleet messenger.
" Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne,
and bid him send me back my boy, my darling, my Otto
my Otto of roses ! said the fond father, making the first
play upon words he had ever attempted in his life. But
what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling
at the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messen
ger was despatched on another horse.
" And now," said Sir Ludwig playfully, " let us to lunch.
Holy hermit, are you for a snack?
The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive,
and the three gentles seated themselves to a plenteous re
past; for which the remains of the feast of yesterday
offered, it need not be said, ample means.
"They will be home by dinner-time," said the exulting
father. " Ludwig ! reverend hermit ! we will carry on till
then." And the cup passed gaily round, and the laugh
and jest circulated, while the three happy friends sat con
fidently awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son.
But alas ! said we not rightly at the commencement of a
former chapter, that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-
cup there is often many a spill? that our hopes are high,
and often, too often, vain? About three hours after the
departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with an
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 259
exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the
Margrave a billet to the following effect :
" CONVENT OP NONNENWERTH : Fi*iday Afternoon.
" SIB, I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and
am disposed to bear it no more. I will no longer be made
the butt of your ribald satire, and the object of your coarse
abuse. Last week you threatened me with your cane ! On
Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which hit
the butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This
morning, in the presence of all the servants, you called me
by the most vile abominable name, which Heaven forbid I
should repeat ! You dismissed me from your house under
a false accusation. You sent me to this odious convent to
be immured for life. Be it so ! I will not come back,
because, forsooth, you relent. Anything is better than a
residence with a wicked, coarse, violent, intoxicated, brutal
monster like yourself. I remain here for ever, and blush
to be obliged to sign myself
"THEODORA VON GODESBERG.
P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best
gowns, jewels, and wearing-apparel; and make no doubt
you dismissed me from your house in order to make way
for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear out,
"T. y. G."
260 A LEGEND OP THE RHINE.
CHAPTER VII.
THE SENTENCE.
THIS singular document, illustrative of the passions of
women at all times, and particularly of the manners of the
early ages, struck dismay into the heart of the Margrave.
"Are her Ladyship s insinuations correct?" asked the
hermit in a severe tone. " To correct a wife with a cane
is a venial, I may say a justifiable practice ; but to fling a
bottle at her is ruin, both to the liquor and to her. "
"But she sent a carving-knife at me first," said the
heart-broken husband. " O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why,
why did I ever listen to thy green and yellow tongue? "
"They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely,"
whispered Sir Ludwig to the hermit ; who began to deliver
forthwith a lecture upon family discord and marital au
thority, which would have sent his two hearers to sleep,
but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the
Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son. This
herald wore a still longer face than that of his comrade
who preceded him.
" Where is my darling? roared the agonised parent.
"Have ye brought him with ye?
"N no," said the man, hesitating.
" I will flog the knave soundly when he comes," cried
the father, vainly endeavouring, under an appearance of
sternness, to hide his inward emotion and tenderness.
"Please, your Highness," said the messenger, making a
desperate effort, "Count Otto is not at the convent."
"Know ye, knave, where he is?
The swain solemnly said, "I do. He is there." He
pointed as he spake to the broad Ehine, that was seen from
the casement, lighted up by the magnificent hues of sunset.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 261
" There ! How mean ye there ? " gasped the Margrave,
wrought to a pitch of nervous fury.
" Alas ! my good lord, when he was in the boat which
was to conduct him to the convent, he he jumped sud
denly from it, and is dr-dr-owned."
; Carry that knave out and hang him ! " said the Mar
grave, with a calmness more dreadful than any outburst of
rage. "Let every man of the boat s crew be blown from
the mouth of the cannon on the tower except the cox
swain, and let him be "
What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows ;
for at that moment, and overcome by his emotion, the Mar
grave sank down lifeless on the floor.
262 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTEE VIII.
THE CHILDE OF GODESBERG.
IT must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our
readers we dare venture to presume that a dull intellect
should be found) that the cause of the Margrave s fainting
fit, described in the last chapter, was a groundless appre
hension on the part of that too solicitous and credulous
nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No,
young Otto was not drowned. Was ever hero of romantic
story done to death so early in the tale? Young Otto was
not drowned. Had such been the case, the Lord Margrave
would infallibly have died at the close of the last chapter ;
and a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted
how the lovely Lady Theodora became insane in the con
vent, and how Sir Ludwig determined, upon the demise of
the old hermit (consequent upon the shock of hearing the
news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and assume the
robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late venerable and
solitary ecclesiastic. Otto was not drowned, and all those
personages of our history are consequently alive and well.
The boat containing the amazed young Count for he
knew not the cause of his father s anger, and hence re
belled against the unjust sentence which the Margrave had
uttered had not rowed many miles, when the gallant boy
rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and
determined not to be a slave in any convent of any order :
determined to make a desperate effort for escape. At a
moment when the men were pulling hard against the tide,
and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to steer
the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands,
which are frequently met with in the majestic though dan
gerous river, Otto gave a sudden spring from the boat, and
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 263
with one single flounce was in the boiling, frothing, swirl
ing eddy of the stream.
Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of
their young lord ! All loved him ; all would have given
their lives for him ; but as they did not know how to
swim, of course they declined to make any useless plunges
in search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder
and grief. Once, his fair head and golden ringlets were
seen to arise from the water ; tivice, puffing and panting, it
appeared for an instant again ; thrice, it rose but for one
single moment : it was the last chance, and it sunk, sunk,
sunk. Knowing the reception they would meet with from,
their liege lord, the men naturally did not go home to
Godesberg, but, putting in at the first creek on the opposite
bank, fled into the Duke of Nassau s territory; where, as
they have little to do with our tale, we will leave them.
But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young
Otto. He had disappeared, it is true : but why? because
he had dived. He calculated that his conductors would
consider him drowned, and the desire of liberty lending
him wings (or we had rather &y fins, in this instance), the
gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his
head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne
the distance being twenty-five or thirty miles.
Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side
of the river, repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel
there, saying he had had an accident from a boat, and
thus accounting for the moisture of his habiliments, and
while these were drying before a fire in his chamber, went
snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the
strange events of the day. "This morning," thought he,
" a noble, and heir to a princely estate this evening an
outcast, with but a few bank-notes which my mamma
luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry
into life is this for a young man of my family ! Well, I
have courage and resolution : my first attempt in life has
been a gallant and successful one ; other dangers will be
conquered by similar bravery." And recommending him-
12 Vol. 19
264: A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
self, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the
care of their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted
boy fell presently into such a sleep, as only the young, the
healthy, the innocent, and the extremely fatigued, can
enjoy.
The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would
be fatigued after swimming well-nigh thirty miles under
water) caused young Otto to sleep so profoundly, that he
did not remark how, after Friday s sunset, as a natural
consequence, Saturday s Phoebus illumined the world, ay,
and sunk at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of
the hostel, peeping in, marked him sleeping, and blessing
him for a pretty youth, tripped lightly from the chamber ;
the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call him (as boots
will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore, turned
on his side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption.
In a word, the youth slept for six-and-thirty hours at an
elongation ; and the Sunday sun was shining, and the bells
of the hundred churches of Cologne were clinking and toll
ing in pious festivity, and the burghers and burgheresses
of the town were trooping to vespers and morning service
when Otto awoke.
As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet,
the astonished boy could not at first account for his diffi
culty in putting them on. "Marry," said he, "these
breeches that my blessed mother ; (tears filled his fine
eyes as he thought of her) " that my blessed mother had
made long on purpose, are now ten inches too short for me.
Whir-r-r ! my coat cracks i the back, as in vain I try to
buckle it round me; and the sleeves reach no farther than
my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I grown fat and
tall in a single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it."
The young and good-humoured Childe laughed merrily.
He bethought him of the reason of his mistake : his gar
ments had shrunk from, being five-and-twenty miles under
water.
But one remedy presented itself to his mind ; and that
we need not say was to purchase new ones. Inquiring the
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 265
way to the most genteel ready-made clothes establishment
in the city of Cologne, and finding it was kept in the Min-
oriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated Moses of
London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium ;
but you may be sure did not neglect to perform his relig
ious duties by the way. Entering the cathedral, he made
straight for the shrine of St. Buffo, and, hiding himself
behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognised by
the Archbishop, or any of his father s numerous friends in
Cologne), he proceeded with his devotions, as was the prac
tice of the young nobles of the age.
But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his
eye could not refrain from wandering a little .round about
him, and he remarked with surprise that the whole church
was filled with archers ; and he remembered, too, that he
had seen in the streets numerous other bands of men sim
ilarly attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch
the cause of this assemblage, one of the green ones said
(in a jape), "Marry, youngster, you must be green, not to
know that we are all bound to the castle of his Grace Duke
Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery meeting once a year,
and prizes for which we toxophilites muster strong."
Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now
immediately settled what to do. He straightway repaired
to the ready-made emporium of Herr Moses, and bidding
that gentleman furnish him with an archer s complete
dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock,
which fitted the youth to a t, and we need not say was sold
at an exceedingly moderate price. So attired (and bidding
Herr Moses a cordial farewell), young Otto was a gor
geous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to gaze on. A coat and
breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented with
a profusion of brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite
tightness, showed off a figure unrivalled for slim sym
metry. His feet were covered with peaked buskins of buff
leather, and a belt round his slender waist, of the same
material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe and pouch, and
his long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous
266 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
youth had as yet only employed it to fashion wicket-bails,
or to cut bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready to use
against the enemy. His personal attractions were en
hanced by a neat white hat, flung carelessly and fearlessly
on one side of his open smiling countenance ; and his lovely
hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets, fell over his
shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far
as the waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a
lovely Colnerinn looked after the handsome Childe with
anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid under the guise
of "a bonny boy in green."
So accoutred, the youth s next thought was, that he
must supply himself with a bow. This he speedily pur
chased at the most fashionable bowyer s, and of the best
material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink
ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beauti
fully painted and embroidered, was slung across his back
with a dozen of the finest arrows, tipped with steel of
Damascus, formed of the branches of the famous Upas tree
of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan.
These purchases being completed (together with that of a
knapsack, dressing-case, change, etc.), our young adven
turer asked where was the hostel at which the archers were
wont to assemble? and being informed that it was at the
sign of the " G-olden Stag," hied him to that house of en
tertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and
beer, he speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the
goodwill of a company of his future comrades who hap
pened to be sitting in the coffee-room.
After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said,
addressing them, " When go ye forth, gentles? I am a
stranger here, bound as you to the archery meeting of Duke
Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your company,
twill gladden me upon my lonely way."
The archers replied, " You seem so young and jolly, and
you spend your gold so very like a gentleman, that we ll
receive you in our band with pleasure. Be ready, for we
start at half -past two ! " At that hour accordingly the
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 267
whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a
little increased his popularity among them by stepping out
and having a conference with the landlord, which caused
the latter to come into the room where the archers were
assembled previous to departure, and to say, " Gentlemen,
the bill is settled ! ? words never ungrateful to an archer
yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I
wot of.
They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and
joking, and telling of a thousand feats of love and chase
and war. While thus engaged, some one remarked to
Otto, that he was not dressed in the regular uniform, hav
ing no feathers in his hat.
"I dare say I will find a feather," said the lad, smiling.
Then another gibed because his bow was new.
" See that you can use your old one as well, Master
Wolfgang," said the undisturbed youth. His answers, his
bearing, his generosity, his beauty, and his wit, inspired
all his new toxophilite friends with interest and curiosity,
and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow
corresponded with their secret sympathies for him.
An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to
present itself soon as indeed it seldom does to such a
hero of romance as young Otto was. Fate seems to watch
over such : events occur to them just in the nick of time ;
they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of devour
ing them ; they manage to be present at Court and inter
esting ceremonies, and to see the most interesting people at
the most interesting moment ; directly an adventure is nec
essary for them, that adventure occurs : and I, for my
part, have often wondered with delight (and never could
penetrate the mystery of the subject) at the way in which
that humblest of romance heroes, Signer Clown, when he
wants anything in the Pantomime, straightway finds it to
his hand. How is it that suppose he wishes to dress
himself up like a woman, for instance, that minute a coal-
heaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a bon
net : at the very next instant a butcher s lad passing with
268 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
a string of sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously
helps Master Clown to a necklace and a toumure, and so
on through the whole toilet? Depend upon it there is
something we do not wot of in that mysterious overcoming
of circumstances by great individuals : that apt and won
drous conjuncture of the Hour and the Man ; and so, for
my part, when I heard the above remark of one of the
archers, that Otto had never a feather in his bonnet, I felt
sure that a heron would spring up in the next sentence to
supply him with an aigrette.
And such indeed was the fact : rising out of a morass by
which the archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching
his neck, swelling his crest, placing his legs behind him,
and his beak and red eyes against the wind, rose slowly,
and offered the fairest mark in the world.
"Shoot, Otto," said one of the archers. "You would
not shoot just now at a crow because it was a foul bird, nor
at a hawk because it was a noble bird ; bring us down yon
heron: it flies slowly."
But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoe-string,
and Rudolf, the third best of the archers, shot at the bird
and missed it.
" Shoot, Otto," said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken
a liking to the young archer: "the bird is getting fur
ther and further. "
But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig
he had just cut. Max, the second best archer, shot and
missed.
"Then," said Wolfgang, "I must try myself: a plague
on you, young springald, you have lost a noble chance !
Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot
at the bird. "It is out of distance," said he, "and a mur
rain on the bird !
Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-
stick (having carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon
it), flung the twig down and said carelessly, "Out of dis
tance ! Pshaw ! We have two minutes yet," and fell to
asking riddles and cutting jokes ; to which none of the
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 269
archers listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in
air, watching the retreating bird.
"Where shall I hit him? " said Otto.
"Go to," said Rudolf, u thou canst see no limb of him:
he is no bigger than a flea."
" Here goes for his right eye ! " said Otto ; and stepping
forward in the English manner (which his godfather hav
ing learnt in Palestine, had taught him), he brought his
bowstring to his ear, took a good aim, allowing for the
wind, and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whizz!
his arrow went off.
He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a
head of Rudolf at the other end, chatting and laughing,
and singing a ballad the while.
The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards
with their noses in the air, at last brought them down from
the perpendicular to the horizontal position, and said,
"Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The arrow s lost; let s go!
" Heads ! cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen
rapidly descending from the heavens ; it grew to be as big
as a crown-piece, then as a partridge, then as a tea-kettle,
and flop ! down fell a magnificent heron to the ground,
flooring poor Max in its fall.
"/Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang," said Otto,
without looking at the bird : " wipe it and put in back into
my quiver."
The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right
through the pupil.
"Are you in league with Der Freischutz? ; said Rudolf,
quite amazed
Otto laughing whistled the "Huntsman s Chorus," and
said, "No, my friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky
shot. I was taught shooting, look you, in the fashion of
merry England, where the archers are archers indeed."
And so he cut off the heron s wing for a plume for his
hat ; and the archers walked on, much amazed, and say
ing, " What a wonderful country that merry England must
be!"
270 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
Far from feeling any envy at their comrade s success,
the jolly archers recognised his superiority with pleasure ;
and Wolfgang and Rudolf especially held out their hands
to the younker, and besought the honour of his friendship.
They continued their walk all day, and when night fell
made choice of a good hostel, you may be sure, where over
beer, punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to
the health of the Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other s
healths all round. Next day they resumed their march,
and continued it without interruption, except to take in a
supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on
these occasions that Otto, young as he was, could eat four
times as much as the oldest archer present, and drink to
correspond) ; and these continued refreshments having
given them more than ordinary strength, they determined
on. making rather a long march of it, and did not halt till
after nightfall at the gates of the little town of Windeck.
What was to be done? the town gates were shut. "Is
there no hostel, no castle where we can sleep? :9 asked Otto
of the sentinel at the gate. " I am so hungry that in lack
of better food I think I could eat my grandmamma."
The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of
hunger, and said, " You had best go sleep at the Castle of
Windeck yonder ; " adding, with a peculiarly knowing look,
"Nobody will disturb you there."
At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and
showed on a hill hard by a castle indeed but the skeleton
of a castle. The roof was gone, the windows were dis
mantled, the towers were tumbling, and the cold moonlight
pierced it through and through. One end of the building
was, however, still covered in, and stood looking still more
frowning, vast, and gloomy, even than the other part of
the edifice.
" There is a lodging, certainly," said Otto to the sentinel,
who pointed towards the castle with his bartizan ; " but tell
me, good fellow, what are we to do for a supper? 3
" Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you," said
the man-at-arms with a grin, and marched up the embra-
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 271
sure; the while the archers, taking counsel among them
selves, debated whether or not they should take up their
quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice.
" We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there, " said
young Otto. "Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are
thirty gallant fellows, and I have heard the garrison is not
more than three hundred." But the rest of the party
thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap
one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep igno
bly and without victuals, than dare the assault with Otto,
and die, or conquer something comfortable.
One and all then made their way towards the castle.
They entered its vast and silent halls, frightening the owls
and bats that fled before them with hideous hootings and
flappings of wings, and passing by a multiplicity of mouldy
stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety corridors, at last
came to an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as it
was, appeared to be in rather better condition than the
neighbouring chambers, and they therefore selected it as
their place of rest for the night. They then tossed up
which should mount guard. The first two hours of watch
fell to Otto, who was to be succeeded by his young though
humble friend Wolfgang; and, accordingly, the Childe of
Godesberg, drawing his dirk, began to pace upon his weary
round ; while his comrades, by various gradations of snor
ing, told how profoundly they slept, spite of their lack of
supper.
Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble
Childe as he performed his two hours watch ; what gush
ing memories poured into his full soul; what "sweet and
bitter " recollections of home inspired his throbbing heart ;
and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him. up.
"Youth is ever confident," says the bard. Happy, happy
season ! The moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the
twinkling stars looked friendly down upon him. Confid
ing in their youthful sentinel, sound slept the valorous
toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back again,
marched on the noble Childe. At length his repeater told
272 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
him, much to his satisfaction, that it was half-past eleven,
the hour when his watch was to cease ; and so, giving a
playful kick to the slumbering Wolfgang, that good-hu
moured fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing his
sword, proceeded to relieve Otto.
The latter laid him down for warmth s sake on the very
spot which his comrade had left, and for some time could
not sleep. Eealities and visions then began to mingle in
his mind, till he scarce knew which was which. He dozed
for a minute ; then he woke with a start ; then he went off
again ; then woke up again. In one of these half -sleeping
moments he thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in
white, gliding into the room, and beckoning Wolfgang
from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At that
moment twelve o clock clanged from the town, and Otto
started up.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 273
CHAPTER IX.
THE LADY OF WINDECK.
As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang
the Archer, pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale
female figure. He did not know whence she came : but
there suddenly she stood close to him. Her blue, clear,
glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of fault
less beauty ; her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue,
ere yet the sculptor s love had given it life. A smile
played upon her features, but it was no warmer than the
reflection of a moonbeam on a lake ; and yet it was won
drous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of
young Wolfgang. He stared at the lovely apparition with
fixed eyes and distended jaws. She looked at him with in
effable archness. She lifted one beautifully rounded ala
baster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon him towards
her. Did Wolfgang the young and lusty Wolfgang fol
low? Ask the iron whether it follows the magnet? ask
the pointer whether it pursues the partridge through the
stubble? ask the youth whether the lollypop-shop does
not attract him? Wolfgang did follow. An antique door
opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they
saw quite plain ; they passed through the innumerable an
cient chambers, and yet they did not wake any of the owls
and bats roosting there. We know not through how many
apartments the young couple passed ; but at last they came
to one where a feast was prepared ; and on an antique table,
covered with massive silver, covers were laid for two.
The lady took her place at one end of the table, and with
her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to the other seat.
He took it. The table was small, and their knees met.
He felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against
an ice-well.
274 A LEGEND OP THE RHINE.
" Gallant archer," said she, " you must be hungry after
your day s march. What supper will you have? Shall it
be a delicate lobster salad? or a dish of elegant tripe and
onions? or a slice of boar s-head and truffles? or a Welsh
rabbit a la cave au cidre ? or a beefsteak and shallot? or
a couple of rognons a la brochette ? Speak, brave bowyer :
you have but to order."
As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver
dish, Wolfgang thought that the lady who proposed such
a multiplicity of delicacies to him was only laughing at
him ; so he determined to try her with something extremely
rare.
"Fair princess," he said, "I should like very much a
pork chop and some mashed potatoes."
She lifted the cover : there was such a pork chop as Simp
son never served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that
would have formed at least six portions in our degenerate
days in Eupert Street.
When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady
put the cover on the dish again, and watched him eating
with interest. He was for some time too much occupied
with his own food to remark that his companion did not
eat a morsel ; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone ;
the shining silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with
his knife, and heaving a great sigh, he confessed a humble
desire for something to drink.
" Call for what you like, sweet sir," said the lady, lift
ing up a silver filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork,
ornamented with gold.
"Then," said Master Wolfgang for the fellow s tastes
were, in sooth, very humble "I call for half-and-half."
According to his wish, a pint of that delicious beverage
was poured from the bottle, foaming, into his beaker.
Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on
his conscience it was the best tap he ever knew in his life,
the young man felt his appetite renewed ; and it is impos
sible to say how many different dishes he called for. Only
e.nchantment > he was afterwards heard to declare (though
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 275
none of his friends believed him) , could have given him
the appetite he possessed on that extraordinary night. He
called for another pork chop and potatoes, then for pickled
salmon ; then he thought he would try a devilled turkey
wing. "I adore the devil," said he.
" So do I," said the pale lady, with unwonted anima
tion ; and the dish was served straightway. It was suc
ceeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted cheese, and what
was most remarkable every one of the dishes which he
desired came from under the same silver cover : which cir
cumstance, when he had partaken of about fourteen differ
ent articles, he began to find rather mysterious.
"Oh/ 7 said the pale lady, with a smile, "the mystery is
easily accounted for : the servants hear you, and the kitchen
is below." But this did not account for the manner in
which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch (both gin and
rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with cucum
ber to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from
which the lady had first poured out his pint of half-and-half.
* There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio,"
said his arch entertainer, when he put this question to her,
than are dreamt of in your philosophy " : and, sooth to
say, the archer was by this time in such a state, that he
did not find anything wonderful more.
"Are you happy, dear youth? " said the lady, as, after
his collation, he sank back in his chair.
"Oh, miss, ain t I! " was his interrogative and yet affir
mative reply.
" Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang? "
continued the pale one.
"Why, no, 7 said he; "no, not exactly; not every night:
some nights I should like oysters."
; Dear youth," said she, "be but mine, and you may
have them all the year round ! " The unhappy boy was
too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise this extraordi
nary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious
company. A person who can offer oysters all the year
round can live to no good purpose.
276 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
" Shall I sing you a song, dear archer ? " said the
lady.
" Sweet love ! " said he, now much excited, " strike up
and I will join the chorus."
She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty.
Twas a sweet and wild one. It told how a lady of high
lineage cast her eyes on a peasant page ; it told how nought
could her love assuage, her suitor s wealth and her father s
rage ! it told how the youth did his foes engage ; and at
length they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born
dame and the peasant page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled
his head, sung woefully out of tune as the song proceeded ;
and if he had not been too intoxicated with love and other
excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on
the wall, as the lady sang, began to waggle their heads
too, and nod and grin to the music. The song ended. "I
am the lady of high lineage : Archer, will you be the peas
ant page? "
" I ll follow you to the devil ! " said Wolfgang.
"Come," replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, "come
to the chapel ; we ll be married this minute ! *
She held out her hand Wolfgang took it. It was cold,
damp, deadly cold ; and on they went to the chapel.
As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a
gentleman and lady, tripped lightly out of their frames,
skipped noiselessly down to the ground, and making the
retreating couple a profound curtsey and bow, took the
places which they had left at the table.
Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the
chapel, threading innumerable passages, and passing
through chambers of great extent. As they came along,
all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their frames to
follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a
bust, frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs,
his pedestal would not move ; and several sticking-plaster
profiles of the former Lords of Windeck looked quite black
at being, for similar reasons, compelled to keep their places.
However, there was a goodly procession formed behind
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 277
Wolfgang and his bride ; and by the time they reached the
church, they had near a hundred followers.
The church was splendidly illuminated ; the old banners
of the old knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane.
The organ set up of itself to play the "Bridesmaids
Chorus." The choir-chairs were filled with people in black.
"Come, love," said the pale lady.
"I don t see the parson," exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of
himself rather alarmed.
"Oh, the parson! that s the easiest thing in the world!
I say, bishop ! " said the lady, stooping down.
Stooping down and to what? Why, upon my word
and honour, to a great brass plate on the floor, over which
they were passing, and on which was engraven the figure of
a bishop and a very ugly bishop, too with crosier and
mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal
ring. "Do, my dear lord, come and marry us," said the
lady, with a levity which shocked the feelings of her bride
groom.
The bishop got up ; and directly he rose, a dean, who
was sleeping under a large slate near him, came bowing
and cringing up to him j while a canon of the cathedral
(whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning and mak
ing fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and
. .
As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and
remarked the absence of his companion Wolfgang. The
idea he had had, that his friend disappeared in company
with a white-robed female, struck him more and more. " I
will follow them," said he; and, calling to the next on the
watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his
sleep), he rushed away by the door through which he had
seen Wolfgang and his temptress take their way.
That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle
was vast, the chamber dark. There were a thousand doors,
and what wonder that, after he had once lost sight of them,
the intrepid Childe should not be able to follow in their
steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door,
278 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
and wandered for at least three hours about the dark enor
mous solitary castle, calling out Wolfgang s name to the
careless and indifferent echoes, knocking his young shins
against the ruins scattered in the darkness, but still with
a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm, resolution to aid his
absent comrade. Brave Otto ! thy exertions were rewarded
at last !
For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where
Wolfgang had partaken of supper, and where the old couple
who had been in the picture-frames, and turned out to be
the lady s father and mother, were now sitting at the table.
" Well, Bertha has got a husband at last," said the lady.
" After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for
one, it was quite time," said the gentleman. (He was
dressed in powder and a pigtail, quite in the old fashion.)
"The husband is no great things," continued the lady,
taking snuff. "A low fellow, my dear; a butcher s son, I
believe. Did you see how the wretch ate at supper? To
think ray daughter should have to marry an archer !
"There are archers and archers/ said the old man.
" Some archers are snobs, as your Ladyship states ; some,
on the contrary, are gentlemen by birth, at least, though
not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the Landgrave of
Godesberg s son, who is listening at the door like a lacquey,
and whom I intend to run through the "
" Law, Baron ! " said the lady.
"I will, though," replied the Baron, drawing an immense
sword, and glaring round at Otto ; but though at the sight
of that sword and that scowl a less valorous youth would
have taken to his heels, the undaunted Childe advanced at
once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a relic
of Saint Buffo (the tip of the saint s ear, which had been
cut off at Constantinople). " Fiends ! I command you to
retreat ! " said he, holding up this sacred charm, which his
mamma had fastened on him ; and at the sight of it, with
an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the Baroness
sprang back into their picture-frames, as clown goes through
a clock in a pantomime.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 279
He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky
Wolfgang had passed with his demoniacal bride, and went
on and on through the vast gloomy chambers lighted by the
ghastly moonshine : the noise of the organ in the chapel,
the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him tow
ards that edifice. He rushed to the door : twas barred !
He knocked : the beadles were deaf. He applied his ines
timable relic to the lock, and whizz ! crash ! clang ! bang !
whang ! the gate flew open ! the organ went off in a fugue
the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went off
towards the ceiling the ghosts assembled rushed away
with a skurry and a scream the bride howled, and van
ished the fat bishop waddled back under his brass plate
the dean flounced down into his family vault and the
canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual,
on the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his
epigram, and to disappear into the void whence he came.
Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled
lifeless down at the altar-steps ; and in this situation the
archers, when they arrived, found the two youths. They
were resuscitated, as we scarce need say ; but when, in in
coherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale,
some sceptics among the archers said " Pooh ! they were
intoxicated!" while others, nodding their older heads, ex
claimed " They have seen the Lady of Windeck ! " and re
called the stories of many other young men, who, inveigled
by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang,
and had disappeared for ever !
This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his
gallant preserver ; and the archers it being now morning,
and the cocks crowing lustily round about pursued their
way without further delay to the castle of the noble patron
of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves.
280 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTER X.
THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN.
ALTHOUGH there lay an immense number of castles and
abbeys between Windeck and Cleves, for every one of
which the guide-books have a legend and a ghost, who
might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made
to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey
would be thus almost interminable, let us cut it short by
saying that the travellers reached Cleves without any fur
ther accident, and found the place thronged with visitors
for the meeting next day.
And here it would be easy to describe the company which
arrived, and make display of antiquarian lore. Now we
would represent a cavalcade of knights arriving, with their
pages carrying their shining helms of gold, and the stout
esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive
a fat abbot on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white-
robed companions of his convent. Here should come the
gleeinen and jongleurs, the minstrels, the mountebanks, the
particoloured gipsies, the dark-eyed, nut-brown Zigeuner-
innen ; then a troop of peasants chanting Khine-songs, and
leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls
from the vine-lands. Next we would depict the litters
blazoned with armorial bearings, from between the broid-
ered curtains of which peeped out the swan-like necks and
the haughty faces of the blonde ladies of the castles. But
for these descriptions we have not space ; and the reader is
referred to the account of the tournament in the ingenious
novel of " Ivanhoe " where the above phenomena are de
scribed at length. Suffice it to say, that Otto and his com
panions arrived at the town of Cleves, and, hastening to a
hostel, reposed themselves after the day s march, and pre
pared them for the encounter of the morrow.
That morrow came : and as the sports were to begin
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 281
early, Otto and his comrades hastened to the field, armed
with their best bows and arrows, you may be sure, and
eager to distinguish themselves; as were the multitude of
other archers assembled. They were from all neighbour
ing countries crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed
with Murray s guide-books, troops of chattering French
men, Frankfort Jews with roulette-tables, and Tyrolese
with gloves and trinkets all hied towards the field where
the butts were set up, and the archery practice was to be
held. The Childe and his brother archers were, it need
not be said, early on the ground.
But what words of mine can describe the young gentle
man s emotion when, preceded by a band of trumpets, bag
pipes, ophicleides, and other wind instruments, the Prince
of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his daughter?
And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do jus
tice to the beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm
which decorates the person, every virtue which ornaments
the mind, every accomplishment which renders charming
mind and charming person doubly charming, and then you
will have but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of Her
Highness the Princess Helen. Fancy a complexion such
as they say (I know not with what justice) Rowland s
Kalydor imparts to the users of that cosmetic ; fancy teeth
to which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals ; eyes, which
were so blue, tender, and bright, that while they ran you
through with their lustre, they healed you with their kind
ness ; a neck and waist, so ravishingly slender and grace
ful, that the least that is said about them the better ; a foot
which fell upon the flowers no heavier than a dewdrop and
this charming person set off by the most elegant toilet that
ever milliner devised ! The lovely Helen s hair (which was
as black as the finest varnish for boots) was so long, that it
was borne on a cushion several yards behind her by the
maidens of her train ; and a hat, set off with moss-roses,
sunflowers, bugles, birds-of -paradise, gold lace, and pink
ribbon, gave her a distingue air, which would have set the
editor of the Morning Post mad with love.
282 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of
Godesberg, as leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs
crossed, he stood and gazed on her, as Cupid gazed on
Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both of
them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding
to the cheek of either. A simultaneous throb beat in those
young hearts ! They loved each other for ever from that
instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged, enraptured, leaning
on his ivory bow ; but Helen, calling to a maiden for her
pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in
order to hide her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty
ones! I am old now; but not so old but that I kindle at
the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too has lived and
loved. Heigho !
Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon
are seated the Princess and the stout old lord her father?
Who is he whose hair is of the carroty hue whose eyes,
across a snubby bunch of a nose, are perpetually scowling
at each other ; who has a humpback, and a hideous mouth,
surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yel
low odious teeth? Although he wears a sky-blue doublet
laced with silver, it only serves to render his vulgar punchy
figure doubly ridiculous ; although his nether garment is
of salmon-coloured velvet, it only draws the more attention
to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and bandy. A
rose-coloured hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes,
looks absurd on his bull-head ; and though it is time of
peace, the wretch is armed with a multiplicity of daggers,
knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres, and scimitars, which
testify his truculent and bloody disposition. ? Tis the ter
rible Eowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschrecken-
stein. Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely
Helen. He addresses various speeches of gallantry to her
and grins hideously as he thrusts his disgusting head over
her lily shoulder. But she turns away from him ! turns
and shudders ay, as she would at a black dose !
Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow.
" What is the prize? " asks one archer of another. There
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 283
are two prizes a velvet cap, embroidered by the hand of
the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of enormous
value. Both lie on cushions before her.
"I know which I shall choose, when I win the first
prize," says a swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer,
who bears the owl gules on a black shield, the cognisance
of the Lord Eowski de Donnerblitz.
" Which, fellow? " says Otto, turning fiercely upon him.
" The chain, to be sure ! " says the leering archer. " You
do not suppose I am such a flat as to choose that velvet
ginicrack there ? Otto laughed in scorn, and began to
prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed that
the sports were about to commence.
Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already
been done in the novel of "Ivanhoe" before mentioned.
Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln green, all coming forward
in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit, some missed ;
those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of
the multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new
trials of skill ; but it was easy to see, from the first, that
the battle lay between Squintoff (the Eowski archer) and
the young hero with the golden hair and the ivory bow.
Squin toff s fame as a marksman was known throughout
Europe ; but who was his young competitor? Ah ! there
was one heart in the assembly that beat most anxiously to
know. Twas Helen s.
The crowning trial arrived. The bull s-eye of the tar
get, set up at three-quarters of a mile distance from the
archers, was so small, that it required a very clever man
indeed to see, much more to hit it ; and as Squintoff was
selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Eowski flung a
purse of gold towards his archer, saying " Squintoff, an
ye win the prize, the purse is thine." "I may as well
pocket it at once, your honour," said the bowman, with a
sneer at Otto. " This young chick, who has been lucky as
yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that." And, taking
his aim, Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very-
middle of the bull s-eye.
284 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
"Can you mend that, young springald?" said he, as a
shout rent the air at his success, as Helen turned pale to
think that the champion of her secret heart was likely to
be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the Rowski s
money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg.
" Has anybody got a pea? " asked the lad. Everybody
laughed at his droll request ; and an old woman, who was
selling porridge in the crowd, handed him the vegetable
which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto,
stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his
arrow from the bull s-eye, and placed in the orifioe made by
the steel point of the shaft, the pea which he had received
from the old woman. He then came back to his place.
As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by emo
tion, that twas thought she would have fainted. Never,
never had she seen a being so beautiful as the young hero
now before her.
He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clus
ters of hair from his bright eyes and tall forehead ; the
blush of health mantled on his cheek, from which the bar
ber s weapon had never shorn the down. He took his bow,
and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself
lightly on his right leg, he flung himself forward, raising
his left leg on a level with his ear. He looked like Apollo,
as he stood balancing himself there. He discharged his
dart from the thrumming bowstring : it clove the blue air
whizz !
" He has split the pea ! " said the Princess, and fainted.
The Kowski, with one eye, hurled an indignant look at the
boy, while with the other he levelled (if aught so crooked
can be said to level anything) a furious glance at his archer.
The archer swore a sulky oath. " He is the better man !
said he. "I suppose, young chap, you take the gold
chain?
"The gold chain! " said Otto. "Prefer a gold chain to
a cap worked by that august hand? Never ! And ad
vancing to the balcony where the Princess, who now came
to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before her, and re-
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 285
ceived the velvet cap ; which, blushing as scarlet as the cap
itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden ringlets.
Once more their eyes met their hearts thrilled. They
had never spoken, but they knew they loved each other for
ever.
"Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donner-
blitz? " said that individual to the youth. "Thou shalt be
captain of my archers in place of yon blundering nincom
poop, whom thou hast overcome."
"Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant
archer," replied Otto haughtily; "and I will not take ser
vice with the Rowski of Donnerblitz."
" Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?
said the father of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused
at the haughtiness of the humble archer.
" I would die for the Duke of Cleves and his family "
said Otto, bowing low. He laid a particular and a tender
emphasis on the word family. Helen knew what he
meant She was the family. In fact, her mother was no
more, and her papa had no other offspring.
" What is thy name, good fellow," said the Prince, "that
my steward may enrol thee?
"Sir," said Otto, again blushing, "I am OTTO THE
ARCHER. "
286 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTER XI: "
THE MARTYR OF LOVE.
THE archers who had travelled in company with young
Otto, gave a handsome dinner in compliment to the success
of our hero ; at which his friend distinguished himself as
usual in the eating and drinking department. Squintoff,
the Eowski bowman, declined to attend ; so great was the
envy of the brute at the youthful hero s superiority. As
for Otto himself, he sat on the right hand of the chairman j
but it was remarked that he could not eat. Gentle reader
of my page ! thou knowest why full well. He was too much
in love to have any appetite ; for though I myself, when
labouring under that passion, never found my consumption
of victuals diminish, yet remember our Otto was a hero of
romance, and they never are hungry when they re in love.
The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enrol
himself in the corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves,
and with him came his attached squire, who vowed he
never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own ele
gant dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves,
the noble Childe sighed not a little. Twas a splendid uni
form, tis true, but still it was a livery, and one of his
proud spirit ill bears another s cognisance. "They are the
colours of the Princess, however," said he, consoling him
self ; " and what suffering would I not undergo for her ? ):
As for Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that
the good-natured low-born fellow had no such scruples ;
but he was glad enough to exchange for the pink hose, the
yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and orange-tawny hat,
with which the Duke s steward supplied him, the homely
patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past.
" Look at yon two archers," said the Prince of Cleves to
his guest the Eowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 287
i
on the battlements after dinner, smoking their cigars as
usual. His Highness pointed to our two young friends, who
were mounting guard for the first time. "See yon two
bowmen mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat
thy Squintoff, and t other, an I mistake not, won the third
prize at the butts. Both wear the same uniform the col
ours of my house yet, wouldst not swear that the one was
but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman?
" Which looks like the nobleman? " said the Eowski, as
black as thunder.
" Which ? why, young Otto, to be sure," said the Prin
cess Helen eagerly. The young lady was following the
pair ; but under pretence of disliking the odour of the cigar,
she had refused the Kowski s proffered arm, and was loi
tering behind with her parasol.
Her interposition in favour of her young protege only
made the black and jealous Rowski more ill-humoured.
"How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves," said he, "that the
churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear the
ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear
ringlets such as yon springald s? Ho, archer! " roared he,
"come hither, fellow." And Otto stood before him. As
he came, and presenting arms stood respectfully before the
Prince and his savage guest, he looked for one moment at
the lovely Helen their eyes met, their hearts beat simul
taneously : and, quick, two little blushes appeared in the
cheek of either. I have seen one ship at sea answering
another s signal so.
While they are so regarding each other, let us just re
mind our readers of the great estimation in which the hair
was held in the North. Only nobles were permitted to
wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a shaving
was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains
or vassals who sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius
Tonsor; Hirsutus de Nobilitate Capillari; Eolandus de
Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart ; Frisirische Alterthums-
kunde, etc.
" We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow,"
13 Vol. 19
288 A. LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
*
said the Duke of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to
spare the feelings of his gallant recruit. " Tis against the
regulation cut of my archer guard."
"Cut off my hair! " cried Otto, agonised,
"Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel," roared Donnerblitz.
"Peace, uoble Eulenschreckenstein," said the Duke with
dignity : " let the Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his
own men-at-arms. And you, young sir, unloose the grip
of thy dagger."
Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee,
with intent to plunge it into the heart of the Kowski ; but
his politer feelings overcame him. "The Count need not
fear, my Lord, " said he : "a lady is present. " And he
took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah ! what
a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought
that those lovely ringlets must be shorn from that beauti
ful head !
Otto s mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a
gentleman let us add, his pride as a man for who is not,
let us ask, proud of a good head of. hair? waged war with
in his soul. He expostulated with the Prince. " It was
never in my contemplation," he said, "on taking service,
to undergo the operation of hair-cutting."
" Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer, " said the Prince
pettishly. " I will have no churls imitating noblemen in
my service : I will bandy no conditions with archers of my
guard. "
" My resolve is taken," said Otto, irritated too in his
turn. " I will "
" What? cried Helen, breathless with intense agita
tion.
"I will stay," answered Otto. The poor girl almost
fainted with joy. The Kowski frowned with demoniac
fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in the horrible
German jargon, stalked away. " So be it," said the Prince
of Cleves, taking his daughter s arm "and here comes
Snipwitz, my barber, who shall do the business for you."
With this the Prince too moved on, feeling in his heart not
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 289
a little compassion for the lad ; for Adolf of Cleves had
been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the or
nament of which he was now depriving his archer.
Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there
in a word operated upon him. The golden curls fair
curls that his mother had so often played with ! fell under
the shears and round the lad s knees, until he looked as if
he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams.
When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who
entered the little chamber in the tower ringleted like
Apollo, issued from it as cropped as a charity-boy.
See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is
over ! And no wonder. He was thinking what would be
Helen s opinion of him, now that one of his chief personal
ornaments was gone. "Will she know me? 3 thought he;
" will she love me after this hideous mutilation? 3
Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather
unwilling to be seen by his comrades, now that he was so
disfigured, the young gentleman had hidden himself behind
one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to natural despond
ency; when he saw something which instantly restored
him to good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming
towards the chamber where the odious barber had per
formed upon him coming forward timidly, looking round
her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation, and
presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she en
tered the apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what
was Otto s joy when he saw her pick up a beautiful golden
lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and then hide it in
her bosom ! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen
did when she came out after performing this feat. Then
she hurried straightway to her own apartments in the cas
tle, and Otto, whose first impulse was to come out from his
hiding-place, and, falling at her feet, call heaven and earth
to witness to his passion, with difficulty restrained his feel
ings and let her pass ; but the love-stricken young hero was
so delighted with this evident proof of reciprocated attach
ment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at once left him,
290 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair, but his
head, if need were, to do her service.
That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation
took place in the castle, on account of the sudden departure
of the Eowski of Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train
and equipage. He went away in the greatest wrath, it was
said, after a long and loud conversation with the Prince.
As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking
rather demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gath
ered his attendants in the court, and there mounted his
charger, the Eowski ordered his trumpets to sound, and
scornfully flung a largesse of gold among the servitors and
men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were marshalled
in the court. "Farewell, Sir Prince," said he to his host:
" I quit you now suddenly ; but remember, it is not my last
visit to the Castle of Cleves." And ordering his band to
play " See the Conquering Hero conies," he clattered away
through the drawbridge. The Princess Helen was not
present at his departure ; and the venerable Prince of Cleves
looked rather moody and chapfallen when his guest left
him. He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately
that night, and inquired of his officers the state of the
ammunition, provisions, etc. He said nothing; but the
Princess Helen s maid did: and everybody knew that the
Eowski had made his proposals, had been rejected, and,
getting up in a violent fury, had called for his people, and
sworn by his great gods that he would not enter the castle
again until he rode over the breach, lance in hand, the
conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it.
No little consternation was spread through the garrison
at the news : for everybody knew the Eowski to be one of
the most intrepid and powerful soldiers in all Germany one
of the most skilful generals. Generous to extravagance to
his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy : a hun
dred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised
by him in several towns and castles which he had captured
and sacked. And poor Helen had the pain of thinking,
that in consequence of her refusal she was dooming all the
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 291
men, women, and children of the principality to indiscrimi
nate and horrible slaughter.
The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few
days dreadful confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy
Prince of Cleves was taking his dinner (though the honest
warrior had had little appetite for that meal for some time
past), when trumpets were heard at the gate ; and presently
the herald of the Eowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard
on which the arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the
dining-hall. A page bore a steel gauntlet on a cushion ;
Bleu Sanglier had his hat on his head. The Prince of
Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to the chair
of state where the sovereign sat
"Silence for Bleu Sanglier," cried the Prince gravely.
" Say your say, Sir Herald."
" In the name of the high and mighty Eowski, Prince of
Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of
Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt, and Galgenhiigel, Hereditary
Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Eoman Empire to you,
Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier,
bring war and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or
twenty to twenty in field or in fort, on plain or on moun
tain, the noble Eowski defies you. Here, or wherever he
shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death between you
and him. In token whereof, here is his glove." And tak
ing the steel glove from the page, Bleu Boar flung it clang
ing on the marble floor.
The Princess Helen turned deadly pale : but the Prince,
with a good assurance, flung down his own glove, calling
upon some one to raise the Eowski s: which Otto accord
ingly took up and presented, to him, on his knee.
" Boteler, fill my goblet," said the Prince to that func
tionary, who, clothed in tight black hose, with a white
kerchief, and a napkin on his dexter arm stood obsequi
ously by his master s chair. The goblet was filled with
Malvoisie : it held about three quarts ; a precious golden
hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Flor
entine.
292 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
"Drink, Bleu Sanglier," said the Prince, "and put the
goblet in thy bosoni. Wear this chain, furthermore, for
my sake." And so saying, Prince Adolf flung a precious
chain of emeralds round the herald s neck. "An invita
tion to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves."
So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu
Sanglier s retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daugh
ter. All were marvelling at his dignity, courage, and
generosity.
But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince
Adolf was far from tranquil. He was no longer the stal
wart knight who, in the reign of Stanislaus Augustus, had,
with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death in three minutes :
and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two
hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were
assailing it. Those deeds which had made the heir of
Cleves famous were done thirty years syne. A free liver
since he had come into his principality, and of a lazy turn,
he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made
him in youth so famous a champion, and indolence had
borne its usual fruits. He tried his old battle-sword that
famous blade with which, in Palestine, he had cut an ele
phant-driver in two pieces, and split asunder the skull of
the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could scarcely
now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armour.
It was too tight for him. And the old soldier burst into
tears when he found he could not buckle it. Such a man
was not fit to encounter the terrible Eowski in single
combat.
Nor could he hope to make head against him for any
time in the field. The Prince s territories were small; his
vassals proverbially lazy and peaceable ; his treasury empty.
The dismallest prospects were before him : and he passed
a sleepless night writing to his friends for succour, and cal
culating with his secretary the small amount of the re
sources which he could bring to aid him against his advanc
ing and powerful enemy
Helen s pillow that evening was also un visited by slum-
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 293
ber. She lay awake thinking of Otto, thinking of the
danger and the ruin her refusal to marry had brought upon
her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but his waking
thoughts were brilliant and heroic : the noble Childe thought
how he should defend the Princess, and win los and hon
our in the ensuing combat.
294 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
CHAPTEK XII.
THE CHAMPION.
AND now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to pre
pare his castle for the threatened siege. He gathered in
all the available cattle round the property, and the pigs
round many miles ; and a dreadful slaughter of horned and
snouted animals took place, the whole castle resounding
with the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the grunt-
lings, destined to provide food for the garrison. These,
when slain (her gentle spirit, of course, would not allow of
her witnessing that disagreeable operation), the lovely Hel
en, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted and
pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the
Prince paying for the same when he had money, giving
bills when he could get credit, or occasionally, marry, send
ing out a few stout men-at-arms to forage, who brought in
wheat without money or credit either. The charming
Princess, amidst the intervals of her labours, went about
encouraging the garrison, who vowed to a man they would
die for a single sweet sinile of hers ; and in order to make
their inevitable sufferings as easy as possible to the gallant
fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a plenty of
efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint to
bind their warriors wounds withal. All the fortifications
were strengthened ; the fosses carefully filled with spikes
and water ; large stones placed over the gates, convenient
to tumble on the heads of the assaulting parties ; and caul
drons prepared, with furnaces to melt up pitch, brimstone,
boiling oil, etc., wherewith hospitably to receive them.
Having the keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto
was placed on the topmost tower, to watch for the expected
coming of the beleaguering host.
They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 295
spears were seen glittering in the distance, and the army
of the Rowski soon made its appearance in battle s magnifi
cently stern array. The tents of the renowned chief and
his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot of
the castle, but in fearful proximity ; and when his army
had taken up its position, an officer with a flag of truce
and a trumpet was seen advancing to the castle gate. It
was the same herald who had previously borne his master s
defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once more to
the castle gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count
of Eulenschreckenstein was in arms without, ready to do
battle with the Prince of Cleves, or his champion ; that he
would remain in arms for three days, ready for combat.
If no man met him at the end of that period, he would
deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single
soul in the garrison. So saying, the herald nailed his
lord s gauntlet on the castle gate. As before, the Prince
flung him over another glove from, the wall ; though how
he was to defend himself from such a warrior, or get a
champion, or resist the pitiless assault that must follow,
the troubled old nobleman knew not in the least.
The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vow
ing tons of wax candles to all the patron saints of the
House of Cleves, if they would raise her up a defender.
But how did the noble girl s heart sink how were her
notions of the purity of man shaken within her gentle
bosom, by the dread intelligence which reached her the
next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski ! At roll-
call it was discovered that he on whom she principally re
lied he whom her fond heart had singled out as her cham
pion, had proved faithless !
Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolf
gang, had gone with him. A rope was found dangling
from the casement of their chamber, and they must have
swum the moat and passed over to the enemy in the dark
ness of the previous night. "A pretty lad was this fair-
spoken archer of thine ! " said the Prince her father to her ;
" and a pretty kettle of fish hast thou cooked for the fond-
296 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
est of fathers." She retired weeping to her apartment.
Never before had that young heart felt so wretched.
That morning, at nine o clock, as they were going to
breakfast, the Rowski s trumpets sounded. Clad in com
plete armour, and mounted on his enormous piebald charger,
he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly up and down
in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a
champion.
Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the
same notes of defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad
Rowski come forth challenging the combat. The first day
passed, and there was no answer to his summons. The
second day came and went, but no champion had risen to
defend. The taunt of his shrill clarion remained without
answer; and the sun went down upon the wretchedest
father and daughter in all the land of Christendom.
The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour
after noon, and an hour before sunset. The third day
came, but with it brought no hope. The first and second
summons met no response. At five o clock the old Prince
called his daughter and blessed her. " I go to meet this
Rowski," said he. " It may be we shall meet no more, my
Helen my child the, innocent cause of all this grief. If
I shall fall to-night the Rowski s victim, twill be that life
is nothing without honour. " And so saying, he put into
her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own
breast so soon as the terrible champion had carried the cas
tle by storm.
This Helen most faithfully promised to do ; and her aged
father retired to his armoury, and donned his ancient war
worn corselet. It had borne the shock of a thousand lances
ere this, but it was now so tight as almost to choke the
knightly wearer.
The last trumpet sounded tantara ! tantara ! its shrill
call rang over the wide plains, and the wide plains gave
back no answer. Again ! but when its notes died away,
there was only a mournful, an awful silence. " Farewell,
my child," said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 297
battle-saddle. " Remern her the dagger. Hark! the trum
pet sounds for the third time. Open, warders! Sound,
trumpeters! and good Saint Bendigo guard the right."
But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift
the trumpet to his lips : when, hark ! from without there
came another note of another clarion! a distant note at
first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in brilliant varia
tions, the full rich notes of the " Huntsman s Chorus r
came clearly over the breeze ; and a thousand voices of the
crowd gazing over the gate exclaimed, "A champion! a
champion !
And, indeed, a champion had come. Issuing from the
forest came a knight and squire : the knight gracefully
cantering an elegant cream-coloured Arabian of prodigious
power the squire mounted on an unpretending grey cob ;
which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength
and sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet,
through the bars of his helmet; the knight s, visor was
completely down. A small prince s coronet of gold, from
which rose three pink ostrich feathers, marked the war
rior s rank : his blank shield bore no cognisance. As grace
fully poising his lance he rode into the green space where
the Rowski s tents were pitched, the hearts of all present
beat with anxiety, and the poor Prince of Cleves, espe
cially, had considerable doubt about his new champion.
" So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donner-
blitz," said he, moodily, to his daughter; "but whoever
he be, the fellow puts a good face on it, and rides like a
man. See, he has touched the Rowski s shield with the
point of his lance ! By Saint Bendigo, a perilous venture !
The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to
the death, as the Prince of Cleves remarked from the bat
tlement where he and his daughter stood to witness the
combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the Incognito
galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to
the lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and
waited for the foe. His armour blazed in the sunshine as
he sat there, motionless, on his cream-coloured steed. He
298 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
looked like one of those fairy knights one has read of one
of those celestial champions who decided so many victories
before the invention of gunpowder.
The Kowski s horse was speedily brought to the door of
his pavilion ; and that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit
of magnificent brass armour, clattered into his saddle.
Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled over his helmet,
which was further ornamented by two huge horns of the
aurochs. His lance was painted white and red, and he
whirled the prodigious beam in the air and caught it with
savage glee. He laughed when he saw the slim, form of
his antagonist ; and his soul rejoiced to meet the coming
battle. He dug his spurs into the enormous horse he rode :
the enormous horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce
pleasure. He jerked and curvetted him with a brutal play
fulness, and after a few minutes turning and wheeling,
during which everybody had leisure to admire the perfec
tion of his equitation, he cantered round to a point exactly
opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient charger.
The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the
combat, that he seemed quite to forget the danger which
menaced himself, should his slim champion be discomfited
by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. "Go it! " said
he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch ; and at the word,
the two warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each
other.
And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female
hand, like that of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can
never hope to do justice to the terrific theme. You have
seen two engines on the Great Western line rush past each
other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two war
riors gallop towards one another; the feathers of either
streamed yards behind their backs as they converged.
Their shock as they met was as that of two cannon-balls ;
the mighty horses trembled and reeled with the concussion ;
the lance aimed at the Eowski s helmet bore off the coro
net, the horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an in
credible distance : a piece of the Rowski s left ear was car-
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 299
ried off on the point of the nameless warrior s weapon.
How had he fared? His adversary s weapon had glanced
harmless along the blank surface of his polished buckler :
and the victory so far was with him.
The expression of the Kowski s face, as, bareheaded, he
glared on his enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one
worthy of a demon. The imprecatory expressions which
he made use of can never be copied by a feminine pen.
His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage
of the opportunity thus offered him of finishing the combat
by splitting his opponent s skull with his curtal-axe, and,
riding back to his starting-place, bent his lance s point to
the ground, in token that he would wait until the Count of
Eulenschreekenstein was helmeted afresh.
" Blessed Bendigo ! " cried the Prince, " thou art a gal
lant lance : but why didst not rap the Schelni s brain out?
" Bring me a fresh helmet ! " yelled the Kowski. Another
casque was brought to him by his trembling squire.
As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing
sword from his side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring
hoarsely his cry of battle. The unknown knight s sword
was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the two
blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the
combat !
The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness
and activity. It whirled round his adversary s head with
frightful rapidity. Now it carried away a feather of his
plume ; now it shore off a leaf of his coronet. The flail of
the thresher does not fall more swiftly upon the corn. For
many minutes it was the Unknown s only task to defend
himself from the tremendous activity of the enemy.
But even the Kowski s strength would slacken after ex
ertion. The blows began to fall less thick anon, and the
point of the unknown knight began to make dreadful play.
It found and penetrated every joint of the Donnerblitz ar
mour. Now it nicked him in the shoulder, where the vam-
brace was buckled to the corselet ; now it bored a shrewd
hole under the light brassart, and blood followed j now,
300 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
with fatal dexterity, it darted through the visor, and came
back to the recover deeply tinged with blood. A scream
of rage followed the last thrust ; and no wonder : it had
penetrated the Rowski s left eye.
His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices ; he was
almost choking in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss
of blood, and rage. Gasping with fury, he drew back his
horse, flung his great sword at his opponent s head, and
once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe.
Then you should have seen the unknown knight employ
ing the same dreadful weapon ! Hitherto he had been on
his defence ; now he began the attack ; and the gleaming
axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like a
thunderbolt! "Yield! yield! Sir Eowski," shouted he in
a calm clear voice.
A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. Twas
the last blow that the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever
struck in battle ! The curse was on his lips as the crush
ing steel descended into his brain, and split it in two. He
rolled like a log from his horse : his enemy s knee was in a
moment on his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat,
as the knight once more called upon him to yield.
But there was no answer from within the helmet. When
it was withdrawn, the teeth were crunched together ; the
mouth that should have spoken, grinned a ghastly silence:
one eye still glared with hate and fury, but it was glazed
with the film of death !
The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the
Ehine. The unknown knight, vaulting once more into his
saddle, made a graceful obeisance to the Prince of Cleves
and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back into
the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset.
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 301
CHAPTEE XIII.
THE MARRIAGE.
THE consternation which ensued on the death of the
Eowski speedily sent all his camp-followers, army, etc., to
the right about. They struck their tents at the first news
of his discomfiture ; and each man laying hold of what he
could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched
under his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the
sun rose.
On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the
Castle of Cleves were not shut. Everybody was free to
come in. Wine-butts were broached in all the courts;
the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege was
distributed among the people, who crowded to congratu
late their beloved sovereign on his victory; and the
Prince, as was customary with that good man, who
never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party, had a
splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes,
the whole concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks.
In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the
Count of Honibourg arrived at the castle. The stalwart
old warrior swore by Saint Bugo that he was grieved the
killing of the Eowski had been taken out of his hand. The
laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Honibourg could
never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the
unknown knight had just done.
But who was he? was the question which now agitated
the bosom of these two old nobles. How to find him
how to reward the champion and restorer of the honour
and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that
he should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent
round the principal cities within fifty miles, and the de
scription of the knight advertised in the Journal de Franc-
302 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
fort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the Princess
Helen was solemnly offered to him. in these advertisements,
with the reversion of the Prince of Cleves s splendid though
somewhat dilapidated property.
"But we don t know him, my dear papa," faintly ejacu
lated that young lady. " Some impostor may come in a
suit of plain armour, and pretend that he was the cham
pion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults
certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget) ;
and how are you to say whether he is the real knight or
not? There are so many deceivers in this world," added
the Princess, in tears, " that one can t be too cautious now."
The fact is, that she was thinking of the desertion of Otto
in the morning j by which instance of faithlessness her
heart was well-nigh broken.
As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the
astonishment of everybody at their impudence, they came
to the archers mess that night, as if nothing had happened ;
got their supper, partaking both of meat and drink most
plentifully ; fell asleep when their comrades began to de
scribe the events of the day, and the admirable achieve
ments of the unknown warrior; and, turning into their
hammocks, did not appear on parade in the morning until
twenty minutes after the names were called.
When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these
deserters, he was in a towering passion. "Where were
you, fellows," shouted he, "during the time my castle was
at its utmost need?
Otto replied, " We were out on particular business."
" Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir? "
exclaimed the Prince. " You know the reward of such
Death ! and death you merit. But you are a soldier only
of yesterday, and yesterday s victory has made me
merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit only
flogged, both of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickel-
stern, after breakfast, and give these scoundrels five hun
dred apiece."
You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 303
this information was thus abruptly conveyed to him.
" Flog me ! " cried he. " Flog Otto of-
"Not so, niy father," said the Princess Helen, who had
been standing by during the conversation, and who had
looked at Otto all the while with the most ineffable scorn.
" Not so : although these persons have forgotten their duty
(she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word per
sons), "we have had no need of their services, and have
luckily found others more faithful. You promised your
daughter a boon, papa : it is the pardon of these two per
sons. Let them go, and quit a service they have disgraced :
a mistress that is, a master they have deceived."
"Drum ? em out of the castle, Tickelstern; strip their
uniforms from their backs, and never let me hear of the
scoundrels again. " So saying, the old Prince angrily turned
on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two young men to the
fun and derision of their surrounding comrades.
The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual
airing on the ramparts before breakfast, came up at this
juncture, and asked what was the row? Otto blushed
when he saw him, and turned away rapidly ; but the Count,
too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclama
tions of joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him
to his manly breast, kissed him most affectionately, and
almost burst into tears as he embraced him. For, in sooth,
the good Count had thought his godson long ere this at the
bottom of the silver Rhine.
The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-
parlour window (to invite his guest to enter, as the tea was
made), beheld this strange scene from the window, as did
the lovely tea-maker likewise, with breathless and beautiful
agitation. The old Count and the archer strolled up and
down the battlements in deep conversation. By the ges
tures of surprise and delight exhibited by the former, twas
easy to see the young archer was conveying some very
strange and pleasing news to him ; though the nature of
the conversation was not allowed to transpire.
"A godson of mine," said the noble Count, when inter-
304 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
rogated over his muffins. "I know his family; worthy
people; sad scapegrace; ran away; parents longing for
him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay," and so
forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his
tale in this brief artless manner. But why, at its conclu
sion, did the gentle Helen leave the room, her eyes filled
with tears? She left the room once more to kiss a certain
lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling delicious
thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul !
When she appeared again, she made some side-handed in
quiries regarding Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed
by women) ; but he was gone. He and his companion were
gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken his de
parture, under pretext of particular business. How lonely
the vast castle seemed to Helen, now that lie, was no longer
there. The transactions of the last few days ; the beauti
ful archer-boy ; the offer from the Rowski (always an event
in a young lady s life) ; the siege of the castle; the death
of her truculent admirer : all seemed like a fevered dream
to her : all was passed away, and had left no trace behind.
No trace? yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden
hair, over which the young creature wept so much that she
put it out of curl ; passing hours and hours in the summer-
house where the operation had been performed.
On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone
into a consumption and died of languor, if the event had
been delayed a day longer) a messenger, with a trumpet,
brought a letter in haste to the Prince of Cleves, who was,
as usual, taking refreshment. " To the High and Mighty
Prince," etc., the letter ran. "The Champion who had
the honour of engaging on Wednesday last with his late
Excellency the Bowski of Donnerblitz, presents his com
pliments to H.S.H. the Prince of Cleves. Through the
medium of the public prints the C. has been made ac
quainted with the flattering proposal of His Serene High
ness relative to a union between himself (the Champion)
and Her Serene Highness the Princess Helen of Cleves.
The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite invitation,
A LEGEND OF THE RHINE. 305
and will have the honour of waiting upon the Prince and
Princess of Cleves about half-an-hour after the receipt of
this letter."
" Tol lol de rol, girl," shouted the Prince with heartfelt
joy. (Have you not remarked, dear friend, how often in
novel-books, and on the stage, joy is announced by the
above burst of insensate monosyllables?) "Tol lol de rol.
Don thy best kirtle, child ; thy husband will be here anon."
And Helen retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event
in the life of a young woman. When she returned, attired
to welcome her defender, her young cheek was as pale as
the white satin slip and orange sprigs she wore.
She was scarce seated on the dais by her father s side,
when a huge flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed
the arrival of the Champion. Helen felt quite sick : a
draught of ether was necessary to restore her tranquillity.
The great door was flung open. He entered, the same
tall warrior, slim and beautiful, blazing in shining steel.
He approached the Prince s throne, supported on each side
by a friend likewise in armour. He knelt gracefully on
one knee.
I come," said he, in a voice trembling with emotion,
( to claim, as per advertisement, the hand of the lovely
Lady Helen." And he held out a copy of the Allgemeine
Zeitung as he spoke.
"Art thou noble, Sir Knight?" asked the Prince of
Cleves.
"As noble as yourself," answered the kneeling steel.
" Who answers for thee? "
" I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father ! " said the
knight on the right hand, lifting up his visor.
" And I Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather ! *
said the knight on the left, doing likewise.
The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked
on Helen.
:< 1 knew it was," said she, and fainted as she saw Otto
the Archer.
But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small
306 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE.
/
need to tell ye. In a very few days after, a great marriage
took place at Cleves, under the patronage of Saint Bugo,
Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the marriage cere
mony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove
off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissin-
gen. The Lady Theodora, whom we left locked up in her
convent a long while since, was prevailed upon to come
back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to her hus
band. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolised her
son, and spoiled all her little grandchildren. And so all
are happy, and my simple tale is done.
I read it in an old old book, in a mouldy old circulating
library. 7 Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble
Alexandre Dumas; but tis probable that he stole it from
some other, and that the other had niched it from a former
tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun. Things
die and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgot
ten tale of the great Dumas reappears under the signature
of THERESA MACWHIRTER.
WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. : December 1.
SOME PASSAGES
IN THE
LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
SOME PASSAGES
IN THE
LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN,
CHAPTER I
"TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION."
I THINK it but right that in making my appearance be
fore the public I should at once acquaint them with my
titles and name. My card, as I leave it at the houses of
the nobility, my friends, is as follows :
MAJOR GOL1AH O GJRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.LC.S.
Commanding Battalion of
Irregular Horse,
AHMEDNUGGAR.
Seeing, I say, this simple visiting-ticket, the world will
avoid any of those awkward mistakes as to my person,
which have been so frequent of late. There has been no
end to the blunders regarding this humble title of mine, and
the confusion thereby created. When I published my vol
ume of poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper
remarked " that the Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan,
may be ranked among the sweetest flowerets of the present
310 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
spring season." The Quarterly Review, commenting upon
my " Observations on the Pons Asinorum " (4to. London,
1836), called me "Doctor Gahagan," and so on. It was
time to put an end to these mistakes, and I have taken the
above simple remedy.
I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining
in August last at the palace of the T-l-r-es at Paris, the
lovely young Duch-ss of Oii ns (who, though she does not
speak English, understands it as well as I do) said to me
in the softest Teutonic, " Lieber Herr Major, liaben sie den
Ahmednuggarisehen-jdger-battalion gelassen ? " Warum
den? r - said I, quite astonished at her R 1 H ss s
question. The P cess then spoke of some trifle from my
pen, which was simply signed Goliah Gahagan.
There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. E. H. put
this question.
" Comment done ? " said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking
gravely at Count Mole; " le cher Major a quitte Varmee!
Nicolas done sera maitre de VInde / H. M and the
Pr M-n-ster pursued their conversation in a low tone, and
left me, as may be imagined, in a dreadful state of confu
sion. I blushed, and stuttered, and murmured out a few
incoherent words to explain but it would not do I could
not recover my equanimity during the course of the dinner;
and while endeavouring to help an English duke, my neigh
bour, to poulet a VAusterlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms
and three large greasy croutes over his whiskers and shirt-
frill. Another laugh at my expense. " Ah ! M. le Major ^
said the Q of the B-lg ns, archly, "vous n aurez
jamais votre brevet de Colonel." Her M y s joke will be
better understood when I state that his grace is the brother
of a minister.
I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life
by mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this
little anecdote. I only wish to have it understood that I
am a gentleman, and live at least in decent society. Ver-
bum sat.
But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 311
name of Goliah in full, to distinguish me from my brother,
Gregory Gahagan, who was also a major (in the King s
service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the public most
likely knows. Poor Greg. a very trivial dispute was the
cause of our quarrel, which never would have originated
but for the similarity of our names. The circumstance was
this : I had been lucky enough to render the Nawaub of
Lucknow some trifling service (in the notorious affair of
Chopras jee Muckjee), and his highness sent down a gold
toothpick-case directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of
course thought was for me : my brother madly claimed it;
we fought, and the consequence was, that in about three
minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut 6), which
effectually did his business : he was a good swordsman
enough I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridicu
lous part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his,
after all he had left it on the Nawaub s table at tiffin. I
can t conceive what madness prompted him to fight about
such a paltry bauble; he had much better have yielded it
at once, when he saw I was determined to have it. From
this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader will per
ceive that my life has been one of no ordinary interest;
and, in fact, I may say that I have led a more remarkable
life than any man in the service I have been at more
pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes, had more success
among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a
handsomer man than any officer now serving her Majesty.
When I first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet
of seventeen, with blazing red hair, six feet seven in height,
athletic at all kinds of exercises, owing money to my tailor
and everybody else who would trust me, possessing an Irish
brogue, and my full pay of 120. a year. I need not say
that with all these advantages I did that which a number
of clever fellows have done before me I fell in love, and
proposed to marry immediately.
But how to overcome the difficulty? It is true that I
loved Julia Jowler loved her to madness; but her father
intended her for a member of council at least, and not for
14 Vol. 19
312 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
a beggarly Irish ensign. It was, however, my fate to make
the passage to India (on board of the Samuel Snob East
Indiaman, Captain Duffy) with this lovely creature, and
my misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her.
We were not out of the Channel before I adored her, wor
shipped the deck which she trod upon, kissed a thousand
times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. The same
madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates
fought about her at the Cape the surgeon, a sober, pious
Scotchman, from disappointed affection, took so dreadfully
to drinking as to threaten spontaneous combustion and
old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven daugh
ters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from
Mrs. L., and made an attempt at suicide the captain him
self told me, with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hith
erto-adored Mrs. Duffy, although he had had nineteen chil
dren by her.
We used to call her the witch there was magic in her
beauty and in her voice. I was spell- bound when I looked
at her, and stark-staring mad when she looked at me ! Oh,
lustrous black eyes ! Oh, glossy night-black ringlets ! Oh,
lips ! Oh, dainty frocks of white muslin ! Oh, tiny kid
slippers ! though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still ! I
recollect off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular
way one day at dinner, just as I happened to be blowing on
a piece of scalding hot green fat. I was stupefied at once
I thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound) into my
mouth. I made no attempt to swallow or to masticate it,
but left it there for many minutes burning, burning!
had no skin to my palate for seven weeks after, and lived
on rice-water during the rest of the voyage. The anecdote
is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia Jowler over me.
The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the sub
ject of storms, shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea
sickness, and so forth, that (although I have experienced
each of these in many varieties) I think it quite unneces
sary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to say,
that during our five months trajet, my mad passion for
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 313
Julia daily increased; so did the captain s and the sur
geon s; so did Colonel Lily white s; so did the doctor s,
the mate s that of most part of the passengers, and a
considerable number of the crew. For myself, I swore
ensign as I was I would win her for my wife; I vowed
that I would make her glorious with my sword that as
soon as I had made a favourable impression on my com
manding officer, (which I did not doubt to create,) I would
lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand his
daughter s hand. With such sentimental outpourings did
our voyage continue and conclude.
We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in
December, 1802, and then for the moment Julia and I sepa
rated. She was carried off to her papa s arms in a palan
keen, surrounded by at least forty hookahbadars ; whilst
the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a solitary
beasty, (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are
called,) made his way humbly to join the regiment at head
quarters.
The th regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the
command of Lieut. -Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known
throughout Asia and Europe by the proud title of the Bun-
delcund Invincibles so great was its character for bravery,
so remarkable were its services in that delightful district
of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in command,
and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta
through the body, was second Major. We were on the
eve of that remarkable war which was speedily to spread
throughout the whole of India, to call forth the valour of a
Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a Gahagan;
which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar,
(where 1 was the first over the barricade at the storming of
the Pettah;) at Argaum, where I slew with my own sword
twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in two;
and by that terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would
have been beaten but for me me alone; I headed nineteen
charges of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my
own troop) seventeen field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly
314 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK
French, artillerymen; on that day I had eleven elephants
shot under me, and carried away Scindia s nose-ring with
a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a duke and a marshal, I but a
simple major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war ! But
my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had
better proceed with more order.
On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for
the first time put on the beautiful uniform of the Invin-
cibles; a light blue swallow-tailed jacket with silver lace
and wings, ornamented with about 3,000 sugar-loaf buttons,,
rhubarb-coloured leather inexpressibles, (tights,) and red
morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to ad
miration the handsome persons of the officers of our corps.
We wore powder in those days, and a regulation pig-tail of
seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded by leopard-
skin, with a bear-skin top and a horse-tail feather, gave the
head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more
easily imagined than described.
Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented
myself before Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a man
ner precisely similar, but not being more than five feet in
height, and weighing at least fifteen stone, the dress he
wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and
taller men. Flanked by his tall majors, Thrupp and
Gutch, he looked like a stumpy skittle-ball between two
attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel received me
with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime favour
ite with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler
was the most hospitable of men, and, gratifying my appe
tite and my love together, I continually partook of his din
ners, and feasted on the sweet presence of Julia.
I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive
in those early days, that this Miss Jowler, on whom I had
lavished my first and warmest love, whom I had endowed
with all perfection and purity, was no better than a little
impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, because dur
ing the monotony of a sea- voyage she had no other toy to
play with; and who deserted others for me, and me for
THE LITE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 315
others, just as her whim or her interest might guide her.
She had not been three weeks at headquarters when half
the regiment was in love with her. Each and all of the
candidates had some favour to boast of, or some encourag
ing hopes on which to build. It was the scene of the
Samuel Snob over again, only heightened in interest by a
number of duels. The following list will give the reader a
notion of some of them :
1. Cornet Gahagan. Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and
Miners. Hicks received a ball in
his jaw, and was half choked by
a quantity of carroty whisker
forced down his throat with the
ball.
2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I. Cornet Gahagan. I was run through
the body, but the sword passed
between the ribs, and injured me
very slightly.
3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I. Mr. Mulligatawney, B.C.S., Depu
ty-Assistant Vice Sub -Controller
of the Boggleywollah Indigo
grounds, Ramgolly branch.
Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword s-play, and he
might have come off in his second duel as well as in his
first; as it was, the civilian placed a ball and a part of
Mac s gold repeater in his stomach. A remarkable circum
stance attended this shot, an account of which I sent home
to the Philosophical Transactions: the surgeon had ex
tracted the ball, and was going off, thinking that all was
well, when the gold repeater struck thirteen in poor Mac
gillicuddy s abdomen. I suppose that the works must have
been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for the repeater
was one of Barraud s, never known to fail before, and the
circumstance occurred at seven o clock.*
*So admirable are the performances of these watches, which will
stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor Macgillicuddy
relate the following fact. The hours, as it is known, count in Italy
from one to twenty-four: the day Mac landed at Naples Ms repeater
rung the Italian hours, from one to twenty-four : as soon as he crossed
the Alps it only sounded as usual. GL O G. G.
316 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the
wars which this Helen occasioned, but the above three
specimens will, I should think, satisfy the peaceful reader.
I delight not in scenes of blood, Heaven knows, but I was
compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the sake
of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I
know that four times as many more took place concerning
her.
I forgot to say that Jowler s wife was a half-caste woman,
who had been born and bred entirely in India, and whom
the Colonel had married from the house of her mother, a
native. There were some singular rumours abroad regard^
ing this latter lady s history it was reported that she war,
the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off
by a poor English subaltern in Lord Olive s time. The
young man was killed very soon after, and left his child
with its mother. The black Prince forgave his daughter
and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I sup
pose that it was on this account that Jowler married Mrs.
J., a creature who had not, I do believe, a Christian name,
or a single Christian quality she was a hideous, bloated,
yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, and red eyes :
she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy she hated and was
hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband as de
voutly as by any other. She did not pass a month in the
year with him, but spent most of her time with her native
friends. I wonder how she could have given birth to so
lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of
course with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice
of the devil in her daughter s composition was most care
fully nourished and fed by her. If Julia had been a flirt
before, she was a downright jilt now; she set the whole
cantonment by the ears; she made wives jealous and hus
bands miserable; she caused all those duels of which I
have discoursed already, and yet such was the fascination
of THE WITCH that I still thought her an angel. I made
court to the nasty mother in order to be near the daughter;
and I listened untiringly to Jowler s interminable dull
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 317
stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the
graceful movements of Miss Julia.
Bat the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears;
and on the battle-field Gahagan is a man ! The Bundelcund
Invincibles received orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-
like, donned his helmet, and prepared to part from his
Andromache. And now arose his perplexity : what must
be done with his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife s
peculiarities of living, and did not much care to trust his
daughter to her keeping; but in vain he tried to find her
an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment.
Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing
to do with Mrs. Jowler; the surgeon s wife, Mrs. Saw-
bone, would have neither mother nor daughter; there was
no help for it, Julia and her mother must have a house
together, and Jowler knew that his wife would fill it with
her odious blackamoor friends.
I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign
until I learned from Julia my fate. I watched twenty op
portunities to see her alone, and wandered about the Colo
nel s bungalow as an informer does about a public-house,
marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family,
and longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, un
biassed by her mother or her papa, might listen, perhaps,
to my eloquence, and melt at the tale of my love.
But it would not do old Jowler seemed to have taken all
of a sudden to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no
finding him out of doors, and his rhubarb-coloured wife (I
believe that her skin gave the first idea of our regimental
breeches), who before had been gadding ceaselessly abroad,
and poking her broad nose into every menage in the canton
ment, stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My
only chance was to beard the old couple in their den, and
ask them at once for their cub.
So I called one day at tiffin : old Jowler was always
happy to have my company at this meal; it amused him,
he said, to see me drink Hodgson s pale ale (I drank two
hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was in Ben-
318 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK
gal) and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old
Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut; she was exactly the
colour of it, as I have had already the honour to remark,
and she swallowed the mixture with a gusto which was
never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando, a propos
d hmtres. She consumed the first three plate fuls, with a
fork and spoon, like a Christian; but as she warmed to her
work, the old hag would throw away her silver implements,
and dragging the dishes towards her, go to work with her
hands, flip the rice into her rnouth with her fingers, and
stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy com
pany. But why do I diverge from the main point of my
story?
Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J., were at luncheon: the
dear girl was in the act to sdbler a glass of Hodgson as I
entered. "How do you do, Mr. Gagin? J said the old hag,
leeringly. " Eat a bit o currie-bhaut " and she thrust the
dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. " What,
Gagy my boy, how do, how do? said the fat colonel.
"What, run through the body? got well again have
some Hodgson run through your body too ! " and at this,
I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that in these
hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of
the skin,) old Jowler laughed : a host of swarthy chobdars,
kitmatgars, sices, consomers, and bobbychies laughed too,
as they provided me, unasked, with the grateful fluid.
Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused nervously for a
moment, and then said
"Bobbachy, consomah, bally baloo hoga."
The black ruffians took the hint, and retired.
"Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are
alone; and you, Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is I
mean I take this opportunity to (another glass of ale if
you please,) to express, once for all, before departing on
a dangerous campaign " (Julia turned pale) " before en
tering, I say, upon a war which may stretch in the dust my
high-raised hopes and me, to express my hopes while life
still remains to me, and to declare in the face of heaven,
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 319
earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia ! " The
colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck quiv
ering for some minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded
not the paltry interruption. " Yes, by yon bright heaven,"
continued I, " I love you, Julia ! I respect my commander,
I esteem your excellent and beauteous mother; tell me, be
fore I leave you, if I may hope for a return of my affection.
Say that you love me, and I will do such deeds in this com
ing war, as shall make you proud of the name of your
Gahagan."
The old woman, as I delivered these touching words,
stared, snapped, and ground her teeth, like an enraged
monkey. Julia was now red, now white; the colonel
stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg,
wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had
remarked by his side.
"A cornet!" said he, in a voice choking with emotion;
" a pitiful, beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia
Jowler! Gag Gahagan, are you mad, or laughing at us?
Look at these letters, young man, at these letters, I say
one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every part of
India (not including one from the Governor-General, and
six from his brother, Colonel Wellesley,) one hundred and
twenty-four proposals for the hand of Miss Jowler ! Cornet
Gahagan," he continued, " I wish to think well of you : you
are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the hand
somest man in our corps; but you have not got a single
rupee. You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even
an anna " (Here the old rogue grinned, as if he had
made a capital pun.) "No, no," said he, waxing good-
natured; " Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense ! Julia love, retire
with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain
anil smoke a pipe with me."
I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in
my life.
*****
I am not going to give here an account of my military
services; they will appear in my great national autobiog-
320 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
raphy, in forty volumes, which I am now preparing for the
press. I was with my regiment in all Wellesley s brilliant
campaigns; then, taking dawk, I travelled across the coun
try north-eastward, and had the honour of fighting by the
side of Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futty-
ghur, and Bhurtpore; but I will not boast of my actions
the military man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN appreciates
them. If asked who was the bravest man of the Indian
army, there is not an officer belonging to it who would not
cry at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate ; I
cared not for life, deprived of Julia Jowler.
With Julia s stony looks ever before my eyes, her father s
stern refusal in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the
campaign, again to seek her company or to press my suit.
We were eighteen months on service, marching and coun
ter-marching, and fighting almost every other day; to the
world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the
face, and not the seared and blighted heart within me. My
valour, always desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty;
I tortured my grooms and grass-cutters for the most trifling
offence or error, I never in action spared a man, I
sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of
that single campaign.
Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have
fallen upon poor old Jowler. About six months after we
had left Dum Dum, he received a parcel of letters from
Benares (whither his wife had retired with her daughter),
and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that
he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within
two days; but it was against the blacks that he chiefly
turned his wrath: our fellows, in the heat and hurry of
the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather roughly
with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them. They
used to pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in
kedgeree pots, to flog them and dress their wounds with
cayenne pepper, and so on. Jowler, when he heard of
these proceedings, which before had always justly exas
perated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 321
now to smile fiercely and say, " D- the black scoundrels !
Serve them right, serve them right !
One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the col
umn, I had been on a foraging party with a few dragoons,
and was returning peaceably to camp, when of a sudden a
troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a neighbouring mango
tope, in which they had been hidden : in an instant three of
my men s saddles were empty, and I was left with but
seven more to make head against at least thirty of these
vagabond black horsemen. I never saw in my life a nobler
figure than the leader of the troop mounted on a splendid
black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he
wore a steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful
French carbine, which had already done execution upon two
of my men. I saw that our only chance of safety lay in
the destruction of this man. I snouted to him in a voice of
thunder (in the Hindostanee tongue of course), "Stop,
dog, if you dare, and encounter a man ! "
In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my
head, and mortally transfixed poor Foggarty, of ours, who
was behind me. Grinding my teeth and swearing horribly,
I drew that scimitar which never yet failed in its blow,*
and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop,
his own sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the
air, shrieking his cry of battle.
The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow
I cut off his sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled
at his head. I said that he wore a steel cap, with a gilt
iron spike of six inches, and a hood of chain mail. I rose
in my stirrups and delivered " St. George ; my sword
caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two,
cut crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was only
stopped by a ruby which he wore in his back-plate. His
head, cut clean in two between the eyebrows and nostrils,
even between the two front teeth, fell, one side on each
* In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go out
with small-swords -.miserable weapons, only fit for tailors. G.
O G. G.
322 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK
shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by
my men, who were not a little amused at the feat.
As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing
their leader s fate. I took home his helmet by way of cu
riosity, and we made a single prisoner, who was instantly
carried before old Jowler.
We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the
troop; he said it was Chowder Loll.
" CHOWDER LOLL ! " shrieked Colonel Jowler. " Oh fate !
thy hand is here ! He rushed wildly into his tent the
next day applied for leave of absence. Gutch took the
command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for some
time.
* * * * *
As I had distinguished myself not a little during the
war, General Lake sent me up with despatches to Calcutta,
where Lord Wellesley received me with the greatest distinc
tion. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at Government
House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blush
ing, thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side !
Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I
thought of my former passages with his daughter. " Gagy
my boy," says he, shaking hands, "glad to see you, old
friend, Julia come to tiffin Hodgson s pale brave fellow
Gagy." Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale,
and fixed upon me with her awful eyes ! I fainted almost,
and uttered some incoherent words. Julia took my hand,
gazed at me still, and said, " Come ! * Need I say I went?
I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again,
but this 1 know, that in half an hour I was as much in love
as I ever had been, and that in three weeks I yes, I was
the accepted lover of Julia ! I did not pause to ask where
were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I, re
fused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I
loved her, and was happy !
*****
One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and,
with a lover s pardonable passion, wandered solitary through
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
the city of palaces until I came to the house which con
tained my Julia. I peeped into the compound all was
still; I looked into the verandah all was dark, except a
light yes, one light and it was in Julia s chamber! My
heart throbbed almost to stifling. I would I would ad
vance, if but to gaze upon her for a moment, and to bless
her as she slept. I did look, I did advance; and, oh Heav
en! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a night-dress, with
a very dark baby in her arms, and Julia, looking tenderly at
an ayah, who was nursing another.
"Oh, mamma," said Julia, " what would that fool Ga-
hagan say if he knew all? J
"He does know all! " shouted I, springing forward, and
tearing down the tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran
shrieking out of the room, Julia fainted, the cursed black
children squalled, and their d d nurse fell on her knees,
gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindostanee. Old Jowler
at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword.
" Liar ! scoundrel ! deceiver ! " shouted I. " Turn, ruffian,
and defend yourself ! " But old Jowler, when he saw me,
only whistled, looked at his lifeless daughter, and slowly
left the room.
Why continue the tale? I need not now account for
Jowler s gloom on receiving his letters from Benares for
his exclamation upon the death of the Indian chief for
his desire to marry his daughter : the woman I was wooing
was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. CHOWDER
LOLL!
324 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
CHAPTER II.
ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE. ,
I SAT down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the ap
pearance of some of my adventures in a monthly magazine)
unprincipled men have endeavoured to rob me of the only
good I possess, to question the statements that I make, and
themselves, without a spark of honour or good feeling, to
steal from me that which is my sole wealth my character
as a teller of THE TRUTH.
The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal
strictures of a profligate press I now allude; among the
London journalists, none (luckily for themselves) have
dared to question the veracity of my statements; they know
me, and they know that I am in London. If I can use the
pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible weapon,
and would answer their contradictions with my sword ! No
gold or gems adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar, but
there is blood upon the blade the blood of the enemies of
my country, and the maligners of my honest fame. There
are others, however the disgrace of a disgraceful trade
who borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have
ventured to assail me. The infamous editors of the Kelso
Champion, the Bungay Beacon, the Tipperary Argus, and
the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other dastardly organs of
the provincial press, have, although differing in politics,
agreed upon this one point, and, with a scoundrelly unanim
ity vented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me.
They say that I have assailed private characters, and
wilfully perverted history to blacken the reputation of pub
lic men. I ask, was any one of these men in Bengal in the
year 1803? Was any single conductor of any one of these
paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country?
Does this exquisite Tipperary scribe know the difference
THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAK 325
between Hurry gurry bang and Bur mint oil ah? Not he! and
because, forsooth, in those strange and distant lands strange
circumstances have taken place, it is insinuated that the
relator is a liar : nay, that the very places themselves have
no existence but in my imagination. Fools! but I will
not waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount
some other portions of my personal history.
It is, I presume, a fact which even these scribbing assas
sins will not venture to deny, that before the commence
ment of the campaign against Scindiah, the English general
formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna, where he exer
cised that brilliant little army which was speedily to per
form such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give
a slight account of the causes of a war which was speedily
to rage through some of the fairest portions of the Indian
continent.
Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by
the female line of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun
adventurer, who had well-nigh hurled Bajazet and Selim
the Second from the throne of Bagdad); Shah Allum, I
say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was, in
reality, the slave of the various warlike chieftains who
lorded it by turns over the country and the sovereign, until
conquered and slain by some more successful rebel. Chow
der Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scin
diah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had
held for a time complete mastery in Delhi. The second of
these, a ruthless Afghaun soldier, had abruptly entered the
capital, nor was he ejected from it until he had seized
upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes of
the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah
came to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though
he destroyed his oppressor, only increased his slavery,
holding him in as painful a bondage as he had suffered
under the tyrannous Afghaun.
As long as these heroes were battling among themselves,
or as long rather as it appeared that they had any strength
to fight a battle, the British government, ever anxious to
326 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
see its enemies by the ears, by no means interfered in the
contest. But the French Kevolution broke out, and a host
of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian
states, seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds
of the various native princes against the British East India
Company. A number of these entered into Scindiah s
ranks one of them, Perron, was commander of his army;
and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in his
hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never
thought of an invasion of the British territory, the Com
pany all of a sudden discovered that Shah Allum, his sov
ereign, was shamefully ill-used, and determined to re-estab
lish the ancient splendour of his throne.
Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum
that prompted our governors to take these kindly measures
in his favour. I don t know how it happened that, at the
end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit better off
than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten,
and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a
puppet as before. Somehow, in the hurry and confusion
of this struggle, the oyster remained with the British gov
ernment, who had so kindly offered to dress it for the em
peror, while his majesty was obliged to be contented with
the shell.
The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the
Grand Army of the Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of
eleven regiments of cavalry and twelve battalions of infan
try, and was commanded by General Lake in person.
Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron s camp
at Allyghur; on the 4th we took that fortress by assault;
and as my name was mentioned in general orders, I may
as well quote the commander-in-chief s words regarding
me they will spare me the trouble of composing my own
eulogium.
" The commander-in-chief is proud thus publicly to de
clare his high sense of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan,
of the cavalry. In the storming of the fortress, al
though unprovided with a single ladder, and accompanied
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 327
but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in
escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place.
Fourteen ditches, lined with sword blades and poisoned
chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls bristling with innumerable
artillery, and as smooth as looking-glasses, were in turns
triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His
course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies
lying thick upon the platforms; and, alas! by the corpses
of most of the gallant men who followed him ! when at
length he effected his lodgment, and the dastardly enemy,
who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose upon
him the tigers and lions of Scindiah s menagerie : this
meritorious officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of
the largest and most ferocious animals, and the rest, awed
by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOUR, shrunk
back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty
Goss, Havildar, were the only two who remained out of the
nine hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honour
to them ! Honour and tears for the brave men who per
ished on that awful day !
=* # * =* *
I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal
Hurkaru of September 24, 1803; and anybody who has the
slightest doubt as to the statement, may refer to the paper
itself.
And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which
so marvellously preserved me, Sergeant- Major Higgory,
and Runty Goss. Were I to say that any valour of ours
had carried us unhurt through this tremendous combat, the
reader would laugh me to scorn. No : though my narra
tive is extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and
never, never would I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of
effect. The fact is this : the citadel of Allyghur is situated
upon a rock, about a thousand feet above the level of the
sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his excellency
was good enough to remark in his dispatch, A man who
would mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he
who would say he mounted them without such assistance,
328 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
is a liar and a knave. We had scaling-ladders at the com
mencement of the assault, although it was quite impossible
to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. Mounted
011 them, however, as our troops were falling thick about
me, I saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some
other help could be found for our brave fellows to escalade
the next wall. It was about seventy feet high. I instantly
turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and peppered the
latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling-place, the
men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this
simple stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier
-for to ascend a wall, which the general was pleased to
call "as smooth as glass," is an absurd impossibility. I
seek to achieve none such :
"I dare do all that may become a man,
Who dares do more, is neither more nor less. "
Of course, had the enemy s guns been commonly well
served, not one of us would ever have been alive out of the
three; but whether it was owing to fright, or to the exces
sive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery, arrive we
did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so
difficult as might be imagined killing these fellows was
sheer butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned
and fled helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their
courage by the fact that out of about seven hundred men
killed by us, only forty had wounds in front, the rest being
bayoneted as they ran.
And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very
letting out of these tigers, which was the dernier ressort of
Bournonville, the second commandant of the fort. I had
observed this man (conspicuous for a tri-coloured scarf
which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we stormed
them, and running away the very first among the fugitives.
He had all the keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he
opened the menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in the
door, which I seized when the animals were overcome.
Eunty Goss then opened them one by one, our troops en-
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 329
tered, and the victorious standard of my country floated
on the walls of Allyghur !
When the general, accompanied by his staff, entered
the last line of fortifications, the brave old man raised me
from the dead rhinoceros on which I was seated, and pressed
me to his breast. , But the excitement which had borne me
through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day failed
all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder.
Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority ; nor
is it in the power of the general-in-chief to advance a
Caesar, if he finds him in the capacity of a subaltern : my
reward for the above exploit was, therefore, not very rich.
His excellency had a favourite horn snuff-box (for though
exalted in station he was in his habits most simple) : of
this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh,
which he always took, he made me a present, saying, in
front of the line, "Accept this, Mr. Gahagau, as a token of
respect from the first to the bravest officer in the army."
Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should
say that fourpence was about the value of this gift; but it
has at least this good effect it serves to convince any per
son who doubts my story, that the facts of it are really
true. I have left it at the office of my publisher, along
with the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody
may examine both by applying in the counting-house of
Mr. Cunningham.* That once popular expression, or prov
erb, " Are you up to snuff? " arose out of the above circum
stance; for the officers of my corps, none of whom, except
myself, had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit
me about this modest reward for my labours. Never mind;
when they want me to storm a fort again, I shall know
better.
* The major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at Mr.
Cunningham s office ; but it contained no extract from a newspaper,
and does not quite prove that he killed a rhinoceros, and stormed
fourteen intrenchments at the siege of Allyghur. M. A. T.
330 THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN.
Well, immediately after the capture of this important
fortress, Perron, who had been the life and soul of Scin-
diah s army, came in to us, with his family and treasure,
and was passed over to the French settlements at Chander-
nagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we
now moved. The morning of the llth of September found
us upon the plains of Delhi.
It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing
ourselves after the morning s march, when I, who was on
the advanced piquet along with O Gawler of the King s
Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy s neighbourhood
in a very singular manner. O Gawler and I were seated
under a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed
to shelter us from the intolerable heat of the sun, and were
discussing with great delight a few Manilla cheroots, and a
stone jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak, refreshing san-
garee. We had been playing cards the night before, and
O Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied
the last of the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of
which we were drinking, and holding mine up, said, " Here s
better luck to you next time, O Gawler! "
As I spoke the words whish! a cannon-ball cut the
tumbler clean out of my hand, and plumped into poor
O Gawler s stomach. It settled him completely, and of
course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such are the
uncertainties of war !
To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements to mount
my Arab charger to drink off what O Gawler had left of
the sangaree and to gallop to the general, was the work
of a moment. I found him as comfortably at tiffin as if
he were at his own house in London.
" General," said I, as soon as I got into his pai jamahs (or
tent), "you must leave your lunch if you want to fight the
enemy."
" The enemy psha ! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the
other side of the river."
"I can only tell your excellency that the enemy s guns
will hardly carry five miles j and that Cornet O Gawler
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 331
was this moment shot dead at my side with a cannon-
ball."
"Ha! is it so?" said his excellency, rising, and laying
down the drumstick of a grilled chicken. "Gentlemen,
remember that the eyes of Europe are upon us, and follow
me ! "
Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his
cocked hat; each British heart beat high at the thoughts of
the coming melee. We mounted our horses, and galloped
swiftly after the brave old general; I not the last in the
train, upon my famous black charger.
It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force
within three miles of our camp, and from a hillock in the
advance to which we galloped, we were enabled with our
telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line*. Nothing
can better describe it than this :
A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred
and twenty pieces of artillery which defended his line.
He was, moreover, intrenched; and a wide morass in his
front gave him an additional security.
His excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then
said, turning round to one of his aides-de-camp, " Order up
Major-General Tinkler and the cavalry."
"Here, does your excellency mean?" said the aide-de
camp, surprised, for the enemy had perceived us, and the
cannon-balls were flying about as thick as peas.
" Here, sir / said the old general, stamping with his
foot in a passion, and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders
and galloped away. In five minutes we heard the trumpets
in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part of the
cavalry had joined us.
Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flap
ping in the air, their long line of polished jack-boots gleam
ing in the golden sunlight. "And now we are here," said
332 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK
Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler, "what next?"
U 0h, d it," said the commander-in-chief, " charge,
charge nothing like charging galloping guns rascally
black scoundrels charge, charge ! " And then, turning
round to me (perhaps he was glad to change the conversa
tion), he said, " Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me."
And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that
the battle was gained by me. I do not mean to insult the
reader by pretending that any personal exertions of mine
turned the day, that I killed, for instance, a regiment of
cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns, such absurd tales
would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is
well known, never say a single word which cannot be
proved, and hate more than all other vices the absurd sin
of egotism; I simply mean that my advice to the general,
at a quarter past two o clock in the afternoon of that day,
won this great triumph for the British army.
Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war,
though somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero
of it. General Lake, for the victory of that day, became
Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree ! and who forsooth
was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand
upon my heart, and say that /was. If any proof is want
ing of the fact, let me give it at once, and from the highest
military testimony in the world, I mean that of the EM
PEROR NAPOLEON.
In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board
the Prince Regent, Captain Harris, which touched at St.
Helena on its passage from Calcutta to England. In com
pany with the other officers on board the ship, I paid my
respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who received
us in his garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen
dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General
Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a
little boy, who I dare say does not recollect me, but who
nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels of
my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with
his Imperial Majesty,
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 333
Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the
way !) by General Montholon, and the Emperor, as each
was pronounced, made a bow to the owner of it, but did
not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to mine.
The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands
oat of his pockets, put them behind his back, and coming
up to me smiling, pronounced the following words :
" Assye, Delhi) Deeg, Futtyghur?
I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said
" Sire, c est moi."
" Parbleu ! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, hold
ing out his snuff-box. "En usez-vous, Major? I took
a large pinch (which, with the honour of speaking to so
great a man, brought the tears into my eyes), and he con
tinued as nearly as possible in the following words :
" Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation.
Your third brother, the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey
Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade."
Gahagan. " Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen
in your Majesty s service stood under the green flag in the
breach of Burgos, and beat Wellington back. It was the
only time, as your Majesty knows, that Irishmen and Eng
lishmen were beaten in that war."
Napoleon (looking as if he would say, " D your can
dour, Major Gahagan.") "Well, well; it was so. Your
brother was a Count, and died a General in my service."
Gahagan. " He was found lying upon the bodies of
nine-and-twenty Cossacks at Borodino. They were all
bore the Gahagan mark."
i (to Montholon). "C est vrai, Montholon: je
B ma parole d honneur la plus sacree, que c est
ae font pas d autres, ces terribles Ga gans. You
7 that Monsieur gained the battle of Delhi as
s I did that of Austerlitz. In this way: Ce
Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and
em in front of Holkar s batteries, qui balay-
laine, was for charging the enemy s batteries
lorse, who would have been ecrases, mitrailUs,
334 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
foudroyes to a man, but for the cunning of ce grand rouge
que vous voyez."
Montholon. " Coquin de Major, va !
Napoleon. "Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake,
with his great bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the
fdcheuse position into which he had brought his troops, he
was for dying on the spot, and would infallibly have done
so and the loss of his army would have been the ruin of
the East India Company and che ruin of the English East
India Company would have established my empire (bah ! it
was a republic then!) in the East; but that the man before
us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was riding at the side of
General Lake."
Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury). " Gre-
din ! cent mille tonnerres de Dieu !
Napoleon (benignantly). " Calme-toi, vnon fidele ami.
What will you? It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical
period of the battle, or rather slaughter (for the English
had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a retreat."
Montholon. " Le Idehe ! Un Fran$ais meurt, mais il ne
recule jamais."
Napoleon. " Stupide! Don t you see why the retreat
was ordered? don t you know that it was a feint on the
part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from his impregnable in-
trenchments? Don t you know that the ignorant Indian
fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of
his guns, came down with his cavalry on the plains in pur
suit of Lake and his dragoons? Then it was that the En
glishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of the north
swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their
guns, which were useless, entered Holkar s intrenchments
along with his troops, sabred the artillerymen at their
pieces, and won the battle of Delhi!
As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his
eye flashed fire, his deep clear voice rung as of old when
he pointed out the enemy from beneath the shadow of the
Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the charge upon the
death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud
THE LIFE^OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 335
moment in my life, but never such a proud one as this; and
I would readily pardon the word "coward," as applied to
me by Montholon, in consideration of the testimony which
his master bore in my favour.
"Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why
had I not such a man as you in my service? I would have
made you a Prince and a Marshal! and here he fell into
a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport. He
was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his
fortunes, and indeed I have very little doubt that I might.
Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Mar-
chand, Napoleon s valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of
that beverage, and talking upon the politics of the clay, the
Emperor withdrew, leaving me deeply impressed by the
condescension he had shewn in this remarkable interview.
15 Vol. 19
336 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
CHAPTER III.
A PEEP INTO SPAIN ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND
SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS.
Head Quarters, Morella, Sept. 15, 1838.
I HAVE been here for some months, along with my young
friend Cabrera; and in the hurry and bustle of war daily
on guard and in the batteries for sixteen hours out of the
twenty- four, with fourteen severe wounds and seven musket-
balls in my body it may be imagined that I have had little
time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter
anna silent leges in the midst of fighting be hanged to
writing! as the poet says ; and I never would have bothered
myself with a pen, had not common gratitude incited me to
throw off a few pages. The publisher and editor of the
New Monthly Magazine little know what service has been
done to me by that miscellany.
Along with Oraa s troops, who have of late been beleag
uering this place, there was a young Milesian gentleman,
Mr. Toone O Connor Emmett Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name,
a law rstudent, and member of Gray s Inn, and what he
called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny
was with the Queen s people, not in a military capacity,
but as representative of an English journal, to which, for a
trifling weekly remuneration, he was in the habit of trans
mitting accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and
his own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving^ for
the discharge of this duty, a couple of guineas a- week from
the proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled,
as I need scarcely say, to make such a show in Oraa s
camp as only a Christino general officer, or at the very least
a colonel of a regiment, can afford to keep up.
In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-
third, I was of course among the foremost in the melee, and
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 337
found myself, after a good deal of slaughtering (which it
would be as disagreeable as useless to describe here), in the
court of a small inn or podesta, which had Veen made the
headquarters of several queenite officer 8 during the siege.
The pesatero or landlord of he inn had been despatched by
my brave chapel churies, with his fine famil^ of children
the officers quartered in the podesta had 01 course bolted;
but one man remained, and my fellows were on the point
of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios,
when I arrived in the room time enough to prev nt the
catastrophe. Seeing before me an individual in the cos
tume of a civilian a white hat, * light-bl^.e satin cravat,
embroidered with butterflies and other quadrupeds, a green
coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue plaid trousers, I
recognized at once a countryman, and interposed to save
his life.
In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was say
ing all that he could to induce the chapel-churies to give
up their intention of slaughtering him; but it is very little
likely that his protestations would have had any effect upon
them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the
ruffians to hold their hand.
Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honour
to hold that rank in the service of his Catholic Majesty),
and moreover one six feet four in height, and armed with
that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called, because it is five
feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish
armies seeing, I say, this figure, the fellows retired, ex
claiming, " Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros," and so on, clearly
proving (by their words) that they would, if they dared,
have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued from
their fury. " Villains ! " shouted I, hearing them grumble,
" away ! quit the apartment ! Each man, sulkily sheath
ing his sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla.
It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particu
lars to which I have briefly adverted; and, informing me
at the same time that he had a family in England who
would feel obliged to me for his release, and that his most
338 THE LIFE OF MAJOK GAHAGAN.
intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven
and earth to revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a
portmanteau passably well filled, which he hoped would
satisfy the cupidity of my troops. I said, though with
much regret, that I must subject his person to a search;
and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what
I fear you will consider a somewhat tedious explanation.
I found upon Mr. Sheeny s person three sovereigns in
English money (which I have to this day), and singularly
enough a copy of the New Monthly Magazine for March,
which contained my article. It was a toss-up whether
I should let the poor young man be shot or no, but this
little circumstance saved his life. The gratified vanity of
authorship induced me to accept his portmanteau and
valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I put
the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and the
podesta.
The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and
it was full time for me to follow, for I found our sallying-
party, after committing dreadful ravages in Oraa s lines,
were in full retreat upon the fort, hotly pressed by a supe
rior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known and re
spected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served
for some months on the Queen s side before I came over to
Don Carlos) ; and, as it is my maxim never to give quarter,
I never expect to receive it when taken myself. On issu
ing from the podesta with Sheeny s portmanteau and my
sword in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to
see our own men in a pretty good column retreating at
double-quick, and about four hundred yards beyond me up
the hill leading to the fort, while on my left hand, and at
only a hundred yards, a troop of the queenite lancers were
clattering along the road.
I had got into the very middle of the road before I made
this discovery, so that the fellows had a full sight of me,
and whizz ! came a bullet by my left whisker before I could
say Jack Robinson. I looked round there were seventy
of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I said,
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 339
a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight
seventy men, you would write me down a fool or a liar : no,
sir, I did not fight, I ran away.
I am six feet four my figure is as well known in the
Spanish army as that of the Count de Luchana, or my
fierce little friend Cabrera himself. " GAHAGAN ! " shouted
out half-a-dozen scoundrelly voices, and fifty more shots
came rattling after me. I was running, running as the
brave stag before the hounds running as I have done a
great number of times before in my life, when there was no
help for it but a race.
After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I
had gained nearly three upon our column in front, and that
likewise the Christino horsemen were left behind some
hundred yards more, with the exception of three, who
were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a
lance; he had fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty
yards in advance of his comrades; there was a similar dis
tance between the two lancers who rode behind him. I
determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came up de
livered cut 3 at his horse s near leg off it flew, and down,
as I expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to
pass my sword through my prostrate enemy, when No. 2
was upon me. If I could but get that fellow s horse,
thought I, I am safe, and I executed at once the plan
which I hoped was to effect my rescue.
I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny s portman
teau, and, unwilling to part with some of the articles it
contained some shirts, a bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of
Windsor soap, &c., &c., I had carried it thus far on my
shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice it malgre
moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my
right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head with
aim so true, that he fell back on his saddle like a sack,
and thus when the horse galloped up to me, I had no diffi
culty in dismounting the rider the whiskey bottle struck
him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned.
To dash him from the saddle and spring myself into it, was
340 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
the work of a moment; indeed, the two combats had taken
place in about a fifth part of the time which it has taken
the reader to peruse the description. But in the rapidity
of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy s
horse, I had committed a very absurd oversight I was
scampering away without my sword ! What was I to do?
-to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the legs of my
horse for safety !
The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and
I could hear his horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned
forward jockey- fashion in my saddle, and kicked, and
urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in vain. Closer
closer the point of his lance was within two feet of my
back. Ah! Ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my
agony when I felt it enter through exactly fifty-nine pages
of the New Monthly Magazine. Had it not been for the
New Monthly Magazine and Humourist, I should have been
impaled without a shadow of a doubt. Am I wrong in feel
ing gratitude? Have I not cause to continue my contribu
tions?
When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the
sallying party, I was for the first time made acquainted
with the ridiculous result of the lancer s thrust (as he de
livered his lance, I must tell you that a ball came whizz
over my head from our fellows, and, entering at his nose,
put a stop to his lancing for the future). I hastened to
Cabrera s quarter, and related to him some of my adven
tures during the day.
"But, General," said he, "you are standing. I beg you
chiudete Vuscio (take a chair)."
I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there
was some foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which
prevented my sitting at ease. I drew out the Magazine
which I had seized, and there, to my wonder, discovered
the Christino lance twisted up like a fish-hook or a pastoral
crook.
" Ha ! ha ! ha ! " said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag).
" Valdepenas madrilenos," growled out Tristany.
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAIIAGAN. 341
" By ray cachuca di caballero " (upon iny honour as a gentle
man), shrieked out Ros d Eroles, convulsed with laugh
ter, "I will send it to the Bishop of Leon for a crozier."
"G-ahagan has consecrated it," giggled out Eamon Ca
brera; and so they went on with their muchacas for an
hour or more. But, when they heard that the means of
my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly Christino
had been the Magazine containing my own history, their
laugh was changed into wonder. I read them (speaking
Spanish more fluently than English) every word of my
story. "But how is this? "said Cabrera. "You surely
have other adventures to relate? 3
"Excellent Sir," said I, "I have; and that very even
ing, as we sat over our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I con
tinued my narrative in nearly the following words :
" I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi,
which ended, as everybody knows, in the complete triumph
of the British arms. But who gained the battle? Lord
Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and Laswaree, while
Major Gaha nonsense, never mind kirn, never mind the
charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-
foot wall in the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads
of the gleaming pikes, when, with one hand seizing the
sacred peish-cush, or fish which was the banner always
borne before Scindiah, he, with his good sword, cut off
the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking
with agony, plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, fol
lowed by his giant brethren, tossing, like chaff before the
wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He, meanwhile, now
plunging into the midst of a battalion of consumahs, now
cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,*
rushed on, like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain,
killing, with his own hand, a hundred and forty- thr
but never mind alone he did it ; sufficient be it for
him, however, that the victory was won; he cares not for
*The double- jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic reader
may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his Commentary on the
Flight of Darius), is so called by the Mahrattas.
342 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK
the empty honours which were awarded to more fortunate
men!
" We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind
old Shah Allum received us, and bestowed all kinds of
honours and titles on our general. As each of the officers
passed before him, the shah did not fail to remark my per
son,* and was told my name.
" Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old
man was so delighted with the account of my victory over
the elephant (whose trunk I use to this day), that he said,
Let him be called GUJPTJTI, or the lord of elephants;
and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards
familiarly known among the natives, the men, that is.
The women had a softer appellation for me, and called
me Mushook, or charmer.
" Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless
well known to the reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which
place we went from Delhi; nor the terrible day at Laswaree,
which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice it to say that
we were victorious, and that I was wounded, as I have
invariably been in the two hundred and four occasions
when I have found myself in action. One point, however,
became in the course of this campaign quite evident that
something must be done for Gahagan. The country cried
shame, the King s troops grumbled, the sepoys openly mur
mured that their Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he
had performed such signal services. What was to be done?
Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary. Gahagan/
wrote he, to be a subaltern is evidently not your fate
you were born for command ; but Lake and General Welles-
ley are good officers, they cannot be turned out I must
make a post for you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a
- corps of irregular horse ?
" It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR
IRREGULARS had its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but
* There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major s part. Shah
Allum was notoriously blind : how, then, could he have seen Gaha
gan? The thing is manifestly impossible.
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 343
one which will long be remembered in the annals of our In
dian campaigns.
" As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to
settle the uniform of the corps, as well as to select recruits.
These were not wanting as soon as my appointment was
made known, but came flocking to my standard a great deal
faster than to the regular corps in the Company s service.
I had European officers, of course, to command them, and a
few of my countrymen as sergeants; the rest were all na
tives, whom I chose of the strongest and bravest men in
India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and Cal-
liawns, for these are well known to be the most warlike
districts of our Indian territory.
" When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular
and noble appearance. I was always fond of dress; and,
in this instance, gave a carte-blanche to my taste, and in
vented the most splendid costume that ever perhaps deco
rated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six feet
four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and pro
portion. My hair and beard are of the most brilliant
auburn, so bright as scarcely to be distinguished at a dis
tance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue, overshadowed
by bushy eyebrows of the colour of my hair, and a terrific
gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead,
the eyelid, and the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my
face a more strictly military appearance than can be con
ceived. When I have been drinking (as is pretty often the
case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have another
which took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of
my front teeth, I leave you- to imagine that seldom lighted
on the earth (as the monster Burke remarked of one of his
unhappy victims) a more extraordinary vision. I im
proved these natural advantages; and, while in cantonment
during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to
grow very long, as did my beard, which reached to my
waist. It took me two hours daily to curl my hair in ten
344 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
thousand little corkscrew ringlets, which waved over my
shoulders, and to get my moustaches well round to the cor
ners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and
red morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the
same colour round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet
high, and decorated with a tuft of the scarlet feathers of
the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and I did not allow
myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull and
cross-bones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistols, a
Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and very
nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant costume.
My two flags were each surmounted with a real skull and
cross-bones, and ornamented, one with a black, and the
other with a red beard (of enormous length, taken from
men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course
the arms of John Company; on the other, an image of my
self bestriding a prostrate elephant, with the simple word
GUJPUTI written underneath in the Nagaree, Persian,
and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and
looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be
applied the words which were written concerning handsome
General Webb, in Marlborough s time :
u <
To noble danger he conducts the way,
His great example all his troop obey,
Before the front the Major sternly rides,
With such an air as Mars to battle strides.
Propitious heaven must sure a hero save
Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave !
"My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieuten
ants Glogger, Pappendick, Stuffle, &c. &c.) were dressed
exactly in the same way, but in yellow, and the men were
similarly equipped, but in black. I have seen many regi
ments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the
Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view
than any set of ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would
to heaven that the Czar of Muscovy had passed through
Caubul and Lahore, and that I with my old Ahmednuggars
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 345
stood on a fair field to meet him ! Bless you, bless you,
my swart companions in victory! through the mist of
twenty years I hear the booming of your war-cry, and mark
the glitter of your scimitars as ye rage in the thickest of
the battle ! *
" But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may
fancy what a figure the Irregulars cut on a field-day a line
of five hundred black- faced, black-dressed, black-horsed,
black-bearded men Biggs, Glogger, and the other officers
in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of light
ning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic,
like yon glorious orb in heaven.
" There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard
of Holkar s sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab,
in the year 1804, when we thought that the victory of
Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg had completely
finished him. Taking ten thousand horse, he broke up his
camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard
of him was, that he was at Putna, then at E-umpooge, then
at Doncaradam he was, in fact, in the very heart of our
territory.
"The unfortunate part of the affair was this: His ex
cellency, despising the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed
him to advance about two thousand miles in his front, and
knew not in the slightest degree where to lay hold on him.
Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody
knew, and for a considerable period the movements of
Lake s cavalry were quite ambiguous, uncertain, promiscu
ous, and undetermined.
" Such briefly was the state of affairs in October, 1804.
At the beginning of that month I had been wounded (a
trifling scratch, cutting off my left upper eyelid, a bit of
* I do not wish to brag of ray style of writing, or to pretend that
my genius as a writer has not been equalled in former times ; but if,
in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe, or Victor Hugo, the reader
can find a more beautiful sentence than the above, I will be obliged
to him, that is all I simply say, / mil be obliged to him. G. O G.
G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.
346 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
my cheek, and my under-lip), and I was obliged to leave
Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired for my
wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futty-
ghur it is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex
of the Dooab. We have there a cantonment, and thither I
went for the mere sake of the surgeon and the sticking-
plaster.
" Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or
towns : the lower Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the
upper (which is fortified slightly, and has all along been
called Futtyghur, meaning in Hindostanee the-favourite-
resort-of-the-white-f aced - Feringhees-near-the-mango-tope-
consecrated-to-Ram ) occupied by Europeans. (It is aston
ishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is,
and how much can be conveyed in one or two of the com
monest phrases.)
"Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of
wondrous pranks with Lord Lake s army, whilst I was de
tained an unwilling prisoner of health at Futtyghur.
An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The
cantonment at Futtyghur contained that which would have
made any man a happy slave. Woman, lovely woman, was
there in abundance and variety ! The fact is, that, when
the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army
all congregated to this place, where they were left, as it
was supposed, in safety. I might, like Homer, relate
the names and qualities of all. I may at least mention
some, whose memory is still most dear to me. There
was
"Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the
Infantry.
" Miss Bulcher.
;< Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer
to place in large capitals).
"Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy.
" Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan.
"The Honourable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks,
and many more too numerous to mention. The flower of
THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 347
our camp was, however, collected there, and the last words
of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were, Gahagan, I com
mit those women to your charge. Guard them with your
life, watch over them with your honour, defend them with
the matchless power of your indomitable arm.
" Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and
the pretty air of the bungalows, amid the clustering topes
of mango- trees, has often ere this excited the admiration of
the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of a hill, the Bur-
rumpooter river rolls majestically at its base, and no spot,
in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both
by art and nature, as a favourite residence of the British
fair. Mrs. Bulcher, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the
other married ladies above mentioned, had each of them
delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and between
one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as
can the hours of any man who is away from his darling oc
cupation of war.
" I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insig
nificant pettah, defended simply by a couple of gabions, a
very ordinary counterscarp, and a bomb-proof embrasure.
On the top of this my flag was planted, and the small gar
rison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in
the casemates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there
were besides three reverend gentlemen of amateur missions,
who lived in the town) completed, as I may say, the gar
rison of our little fortalice, which I was left to defend and
to command.
"On the night of the 1st of November, in the year
1804, I had invited Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her
daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and, indeed, all the
ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in honour of
the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the
shooting season, and indeed as a farewell visit, for it was
my intention to take dawk the very next morning and return
to my regiment. The three amateur missionaries whom I
have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very
rigid religious principles, refused to appear at my little
348 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
party. They had better never have been born than have
done as they did, as you shall hear.
" We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper
(chiefly of the delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and
other birds of a similar kind, which I had shot in the
course of the day) had been duly feted by every lady and
gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire
on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda
Bulcher. I was occupied, as the French say, in conter-ing
fleurettes to this sweet young creature, when, all of a sud
den, a rocket was seen whizzing through the air, and a
strong light was visible in the valley below the little fort.
" What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan, said Belinda;
* this is too gallant.
" Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher, said I, they are fire
works of which I have no idea : perhaps our friends the
missionaries
" Look, look ! said Belinda, trembling, and clutching
tightly hold of my arm : what do I see? yes no yes ! it
is our bungalow is in flames !
"It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs.
Major-General was at that moment seen a prey to the de
vouring element another and another succeeded it seven
bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the name of
Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black
midnight air !
" I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot
where the conflagration raged, what was my astonishment
to see thousands of black forms dancing round the fires;
whilst by their lights I could observe columns after col
umns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their ground
in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which
the bungalows were built!
" * Ho, warder ! shouted I (while the frightened and
trembling Belinda clung closer to my side, and pressed the
stalwart arm that encircled her waist), down with the
drawbridge! see that your masolgees (small tumbrels
which are used in place of large artillery) be well loaded;
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 349
you sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin ! you choprasees,
put out the lights in the embrasures ! we shall have warm
work of it to-night, or my name is not Goliah Gahagan.
" The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three),
the sepoys, choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all
crowded on the platform at the sound of my shouting, and
dreadful was the consternation, shrill the screaming, occa
sioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and mute
with terror; the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither
to fly for refuge. Who are yonder ruffians? said I. A
hundred voices yelped in reply some said the Pindarees,
some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, and
others declared it was Holkar no one knew.
" Is there any one here/ said I, who will venture to
reconnoitre yonder troops? There was a dead pause.
" A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me
news of yonder army ! again I repeated. Still a dead
silence. The fact was that Scindiah and Holkar both were
so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared venture to
face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Ahmednug-
garees ! thought I.
" * Gentlemen/ said I, I see it you are cowards none
of you dare encounter the chance even of death. It is an
encouraging prospect know you not that the ruffian Holkar,
if it be he, will with the morrow s dawn beleaguer our lit
tle fort, and throw thousands of men against our walls?
know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no
hope; death for us and worse than death for these lovely
ones assembled here? Here the ladies shrieked and raised
a howl as I have heard the jackals on a summer s evening.
Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both her arms round me,
and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket
rather, for the little witch could reach no higher).
" Captain Gahagan, sobbed she, Go Go Goggle
iah ! >
" My soul s adored! replied I.
" Swear to me one thing.
" I swear. 7
350 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
" That if that if the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-
ra-a-a-attahs take the fort, you will put me out of their
power.
" I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon iny
sword that, rather than she should incur the risk of dis
honour, she should perish by my own hand. This com
forted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major- General Bulcher,
and her elder sister, who had not until now known a word
of our attachment (indeed, but for these extraordinary cir
cumstances, it is probable that we ourselves should never
have discovered it), were under these painful circumstances
made aware of my beloved Belinda s partiality for me.
Having communicated thus her wish of self-destruction, I
thought her example a touching and excellent one, and pro
posed to all the ladies that they should follow it, and that
at the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at a signal
given by me, they should one and all make away with
themselves. Fancy my disgust when, after making this
proposition, not one of the ladies chose to accede to it, and
received it with the same chilling denial that my former
proposal to the garrison had met with.
"In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if pur
posely to add to it, a trumpet was heard at the gate of the
fort, and one of the sentinels came running to me, saying
that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate with a flag of
truce !
I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out,
that the party, whoever they might be, had no artillery;
and received at the point of my sword a scroll, of which
the following is a translation :
" TO GOLIAH GAHAGAN GUJPUTI.
" Lord of Elephants, Sir, I have the honour to in
form you that I arrived before this place at eight o clock
P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under my orders. I have
burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in Furrucka-
bad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the pain-
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 351
ful necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs),
and seven English officers, whom I found in the village;
the women have been transferred to safe keeping in the
harems of my officers and myself.
" As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very
happy if you will surrender the fortress, and take service
as a major-general (hookabadar) in my army. Should my
proposal not meet with your assent, I beg leave to state
that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on taking it,
shall put to death every male in the garrison, and every
female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall
reserve a punishment, which for novelty and exquisite tor
ture has, I flatter myself, hardly ever been exceeded.
Awaiting the favour of a reply, I am, Sir,
" Your very obedient servant,
" * JASWUNT Row HOLKAR.
" Camp before Futtyghur, Sept, 1, 1804
" < R. S. V. P.
" The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is
astonishing how Holkar had aped the forms of English
correspondence), an enormous Pitan soldier, with a shirt of
mail, and a steel cap and cape, round which his turban
wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock, and
whistling a national melody. I read the letter, and saw
at once there was no time to be lost. That man, thought
I, must never go back to Holkar. Were he to attack us
now before we were prepared, the fort would be his in half
an hour.
" Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung
open the gate and advanced to the officer; he was standing,
I said, on the little bridge across the moat. I made him a
low salaam, after the fashion of the country, and, as he
bent forward to return the compliment, I am sorry to say,
I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head
which deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him
within the wall, raising the drawbridge after me.
" I bore the body into my own apartment; there, swift
352 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
as thought, I stripped him of his turban, cammerbund,
peijammahs, and papooshes, and, putting them on myself,
determined to go forth and reconnoitre the enemy,"
=*#*#*
Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d Eroles,
and the rest of the staff, were sound asleep ! What I did
in my reconnaissance, and how I defended the fort of
Futtyghur, I shall have the honour of telling on another
occasion.
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 353
CHAPTER IV.
THE INDIAN CAMP THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT.
Head Quarters, Morella, October 3, 18-38.
IT is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the
tambourine, and the cheery voices of the girls and peasants,
as they dance beneath my casement, under the shadow of
the clustering vines. The laugh and song pass gaily round,
and even at this distance I can distinguish the elegant form
of Karnon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears
of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of
Riego s hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated by the
enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the
most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of our little
fortalice; the large casements are open the wind, as it
enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the
orange grove and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch
of the fragrant cedar-tree) flares and nickers in the mid
night breeze, and disperses its scent and burning splinters
on my scroll and the desk where I write meet implements
for a soldier s authorship! it is cartridge paper over which
my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder
forms my rough writing-table. Around me, below me,
above me, all all is peace ! I think, as I sit here so lonely,
on my country, England ! and muse over the sweet and bit
ter recollections of my early days ! Let me resume my
narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the authorita
tive summons of war) I paused on the last occasion.
I left off, I think (for I am a thousand miles away
from proof-sheets as I write and, were I not writing the
simple TRUTH, must contradict myself a thousand times in
the course of my tale,) I think, I say, that I left off at that
period of my story, when, Holkar being before Futtyghur,
and I in command of that fortress, I had just been com-
354 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
pelled to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in
the fallen Indian s accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre
the force, and, if possible, to learn the intentions of the
enemy. However much my figure might have resembled
that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armour, might have
deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was
about to plunge, it was evident that a single glance at my
fair face and auburn beard would have undeceived the dull
est blockhead in Holkar s army. Seizing, then, a bottle of
Burgess s walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my hands,
and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren s jet, I made
my hair and beard as black as ebony. The Indian s helmet
and chain hood covered likewise a great part of my face,
and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence, and a complete
command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from
Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this some
what dangerous ordeal.
I had not the word of the night, it is true but I trusted
to good fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the for
tress, bearing the flag of truce as before; I had scarcely
passed on a couple of hundred yards, when, lo ! a party of
Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just overcome,
trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger,
and no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from his
own horse, and giving the rein to a companion, he advanced
to meet me with the charger; a second fellow likewise dis
mounted and followed the first; one held the bridle of the
horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams, alei-
kums, and other genuflexions,) held the jewelled stirrup,
and kneeling, waited until I should mount.
I took the hint at once : the Indian who had come up to
the fort was a great man that was evident; I walked on
with a majestic air, gathered up the velvet reins, and sprung
into the magnificent high-peaked saddle. "Buk, buk,"
said I, " it is good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums,
let us ride on; and the whole party set off at a brisk
trot, I keeping silence, and thinking with no little trepi
dation of what I was about to encounter.
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 355
As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting
upon my unusual silence (for I suppose, I that is the In
dian was a talkative officer) . " The lips of the Bahawder
are closed," said one. "Where are those birds of Para
dise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned between
the golden bars of his teeth !
"Kush," said his companion, "be quiet! Bobbachy Ba
hawder has seen the dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan
Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword reaps the harvest
of death; there is but one champion who can wear the pa-
pooshes of the elephant-slayer it is Bobbachy Bahawder !
" You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ru
minates on the words of the unbeliever : he is an ostrich,
and hatches the eggs of his thoughts."
" Bekhusm ! on my nose be it ! May the young birds,
his actions, be strong and swift in flight."
" May they digest iron ! said Puneeree Muckun, who
was evidently a wag in his way.
"0, ho! " thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon
me. "It was, then, the famous Bobbachy Bahawder,
whom I overcame just now ! and he is the man destined to
stand in my slippers, is he? :> and I was at that very mo
ment standing in his own! Such are the chances and
changes that fall to the lot of the soldier !
I suppose everybody everybody who has been in India,
at least has heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder; it is
derived from the two Hindostanee words bobbachy, gen
eral; bahawder, artilleryman. He had entered into Hol-
kar s service in the latter capacity, and had, by his merit
and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity
of the peacock s feather, which is only granted to noblemen
of the first class; he was married, moreover, to one of Hol-
kar s innumerable daughters; a match which, according to
the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of honour than
of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in
the field, it was said that in the harem he was the veriest
craven alive completely subjugated by his ug]y and odious
wife. In all matters of importance the late Bahawder
356 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears
(knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash
in his attack upon so formidable an enemy), sent forward
the unfortunate Pi tan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to
have done yet more, as I learned from the attendant Punee-
ree Muckun, who was, I soon found out, an old favourite
with the Bobbachy doubtless on account of his honesty
and love of repartee.
"The Bahawder s lips are closed," said he, at last, trot
ting up to me; "has he not a word for old Puneeree Muc
kun? "
" Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I ; which means,
" My good friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble
of relation, and fills my bosom with the darkest forebod
ings."
" You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him
with your dagger? ;
[Here was a pretty conspiracy !] " No, I saw him, but
not alone; his people were always with him."
" Hurrumzadeh ! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of
your jogree (whistle), and straightway would have galloped
up and seized upon every man, woman, and child in the
fort: however, there are but a dozen men in the garrison,
and they have not provision for two days they must
yield; and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I
am told the soldiers who first get in are to have their pick.
How my old woman, Botee Muckun, will be surprised when.
I bring home a couple of Eeringhee wives, ha! ha!
" Fool ! " said I, " be still ! twelve men in the garrison !
there are twelve hundred ! Gahagan himself is as good as
a thousand men; and as for food, I saw, with my own eyes,
five hundred bullocks grazing in the courtyard as I entered."
This was a bouncer, I confess; but my object was to deceive
Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possi
ble of the capabilities of defence which the besieged had,
"Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of
a fortress; we shall never be able to take it until our guns
come up/
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 357
There was hope then ! they had no battering train. Ere
this arrived, I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our
plight, and march down to rescue us. Thus occupied in
thought and conversation, we rode on until the advanced
sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word,
and we passed on into the centre of Holkar s camp.
It was a strange a stirring sight ! The camp-fires were
lighted; and round them eating, reposing, talking, look
ing at the merry steps of the dancing-girls, or listening to
the stories of some Dhol Baut (or Indian improvisatore)
were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and horses
were picketed under the banyan trees, on which the ripe
mango fruit was growing, and offered them an excellent
food. Towards the spot which the golden fish and royal
purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the tent of
Holkar, led an immense avenue of elephants ! the finest
street, indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals
had a castle on its back, armed with Mauritanian archers
and the celebrated Persian matchlock-men : it was the feed
ing time of these royal brutes, and the grooms were ob
served bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with
pineapples, plantains, bananas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts,
which grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We
passed down this extraordinary avenue no less than three
hundred and eighty-eight tails did I count on each side
each tail appertaining to an elephant twenty -five feet high
each elephant having a two-storied castle on its back
each castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the
twelve men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch
on the roof each roof bearing a flag-staff twenty feet long
on its top, the crescent glittering with a thousand gems,
and round it the imperial standard, each standard, of silk
velvet and cloth of gold, bearing the well-known device of
Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of the first, a
chevron, truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in
the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy,
when I come to England, to shew them to any gentleman
who has a curiosity that way. Through this gorgeous scene
358 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
our little cavalcade passed, and at last we arrived at tlie
quarters occupied by Holkar.
That celebrated chieftain s tents and followers were gath
ered round one of the British bungalows which had escaped
the flames, and which he occupied during the siege. When
I entered the large room where he sate, I found him in the
midst of a council of war; his chief generals and viziers
seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the com
mon way with these black fellows, before, at, and after
breakfast, dinner, supper, and bedtime. There was such
a cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard
before you another piece of good luck for me as it dimin
ished the chances of my detection. When, with the ordi
nary ceremonies, the kitmutgars and consomahs had ex
plained to the prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the right
eye of the Sun of the universe (as the ignorant heathens
called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar immedi
ately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform,
on which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I,
instantly taking off my slippers, falling on my knees, and
beating my head against the ground ninety-nine times, pro
ceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and twenty feet
through the room, and then up the twenty steps which led
to his maidaun a silly, painful, and disgusting ceremony,
which can only be considered as a relic of barbarian dark
ness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let alone
the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who goes to India,
with the prospect of entering the service of the native ra
jahs, to recollect my advice, and have them well ivadded.
Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled
as well as he could up the steps of the maidaun (on which,
in rows, smoking as I have said, the musnuds or general
officers were seated), and I arrived within speaking-distance
of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of my mis
sion. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multi
tude of questions : " How many men are there in the fort? 3
said he; "how many women? Is it victualled? have they
ammunition? Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the commander?
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 359
did you kill him? All these questions Jeswunt Row
Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of tobacco.
Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a
cloud that, upon my honour as a gentleman, no man at
three yards distance could perceive anything of me except
the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I told
Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could
with regard to the fort.
"Sir/ said I, "to answer your last question first that
dreadful Gujputi I have seen and he is alive : he is eight
feet, nearly, in height; he can eat a bullock daily (of which
he has seven hundred at present in the compound, and
swears that during the siege he will content himself with
only three a-week) : he has lost, in battle, his left eye;
and what is the consequence? ORamGunge >; (0 thou-
with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning and-with-beard-as-black-
as-night), "Goliah Gujputi NEVER SLEEPS!
"Ah, you Ghorumsaug" (you thief of the world), said
the Prince Vizier, Saadut Allee Beg Bimbukchee "it s
joking you are; -and there was a universal buzz through
the room at the announcement of this bouncer.
"By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnou,"
said I, solemnly (an oath which no Indian was ever known
to break), "I swear that so it is; so at least he told me,
and I have good cause to know his power. Gujputi is an
enchanter, he is leagued with devils, he is invulnerable.
Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger, and every eye turned
instantly towards me "thrice did I stab him with this
steel in the back, once twice right through the heart;
but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar
that the steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an in
jury upon him."
I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I
gave him this somewhat imprudent message.
"Ah, lily-livered rogue ! " shouted he out to me, " milk-
blooded unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after
insulting thy master in thy presence? In the name of the
Prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade
1 6 Vol. 10
360 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
thee ! Take that, thou liar of the universe ! and that and
that and that ! 7
Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds ! every
time this old man said, " Take that," he flung some article
near him at the head of the undaunted Gahagan his dag
ger, his sword, his carbine, his richly ornamented pistols,
his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred thousand
crores of rupees finally, his hookah, snake mouth-piece,
silver bell, chillum and all which went hissing over my
head and flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand
Vizier.
" Yock muzzee ! my nose is off," said the old man, mildly.
"Will you have my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise ! "
and no other word of complaint escaped his lips. i
Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone
off as the ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the
naked scimitar, fiercely but unadroitly thrown, had lopped
off the limbs of one or two of the musnuds as they sat trem
bling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not a single
weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the
unlucky wretches who had been the victims of this fit of
rage had been removed, Holkar s good-humour somewhat
returned, and he allowed me to continue my account of the
fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his
burst of impatience, as indeed it would have been the
height of impoliteness to have done, for such accidents hap
pened many times in the day.
"It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled out
the poor Grand Vizier, after I had explained to the council
the extraordinary means of defence possessed by the garri
son. "Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for this very
night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we
had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the
edge of the sword."
"But you have no battering train," said I.
"Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite
sufficient to blow the gates open; and then, hey for a
charge ! " said Loll Mahommed, a general of cavalry, who
THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAH. 361
was a rival of Bobbachy s, and contradicted, therefore,
every word I said. "In the name of Juggernaut, why wait
for the heavy artillery? Have we not swords? Have we
not hearts? Mashallah! Let cravens stay with Bobbachy,
all true men will follow Loll Mahommed! Allahhumdil-
lah, Bisniillah, Barikallah? " * and drawing his scimitar, he
waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle.
It was repeated by many of the other omrahs; the sound
of their cheers was carried into the camp, and caught up
by the men; the camels began to cry, the horses to prance
and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream,
the trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instru
ments. I never heard such a din before or after. How
I trembled for my little garrison when I heard the enthu
siastic cries of this innumerable host !
There was but one way for it. " Sir/ said I, addressing
Holkar, "go out to-night, and you go to certain death.
Loll Mahommed has not seen the fort as I have. Pass the-
gate if you please, and for what? to fall before the fire of
a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate, and
then another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan s
garrison in the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were I
not in your august presence, O star of the faithful, I would
crop Loll Mahommed s nose from his face, and wear his
ears as an ornament in my own pugree I Who is there here
that knows not the difference between yonder yellow-
skinned coward and Gahagan Khan Guj I mean Bobbachy
Bahawder? I am ready to fight one, two, three, or twenty
of them, at broad-sword, small-sword, single-stick, with
fists, if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is like
mate and dthrink to Ga to Bobbachy, I mane whoop!
come on, you divvle, and I ll bate the skin off your ugly
bones."
This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for,
when I am agitated, I involuntarily adopt some of the
* The Major has put the most approved language into the mouths
of his Indian characters. Bisniillah, Barikallah, and so on, accord
ing to the novelists, form the very essence of Eastern conversation.
362 THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN.
phraseology peculiar to my own country; which is so un-
eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as to my real
character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it
was, Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped
the dispute. Loll Mahommed, however, evidently suspected
something, for, as Holkar, with a voice of thunder, shouted
out, "Tomasha," (silence, ) Loll sprung forward and gasped
out
" My Lord ! my Lord ! this is not Bob "
But he could say no more. " G-ag the slave ! " screamed
out Holkar, stamping with fury; and a turban was instantly
twisted round the poor devil s jaws. " Ho, f uroshes ! carry
out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred dozen
on the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey,
and carry him round the camp, with an inscription be
fore him : This is the way that Holkar rewards the talk
ative. ? "
I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the
bamboo falling on Loll Mahommed 7 s feet, I felt peace re
turning to my mind, and thanked my stars that I was de
livered of this danger.
"Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll s roars amaz
ingly, " I owe you a reparation for your nose : kiss the hand
of your prince, O Saadat Allee Beg Bimbukchee ! be from
this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut !
The good old man s eyes filled with tears. "I can bear
thy severity, O Prince," said he; "I cannot bear thy love.
Was it not an honour that your highness did me just now,
when you condescended to pass over the bridge of your
slave s nose? "
The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very po
etical. The Vizier retired, crowned with his new honours,
to bed. Holkar was in high good-humour.
"Bobbachy," said he, "thou, too, must pardon me; a
propos I have news for thee. Your wife, the incompara
ble Puttee Kooge, (white and red rose,) has arrived in
camp."
" MY WIFE, my Lord ! " said I, aghast.
THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 363
"Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son;
I see thou art wild with joy. The princess s tents are
set up close by mine, and I know thou longest to join
her."
My wife ! Here was a complication truly I
364 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
CHAPTEE V.
THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE.
I FOUND Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attend
ants, waiting at the gate, and they immediately conducted
me to my own tents in the neighbourhood. I have been in
many dangerous predicaments before that time and since,
but I don t care to deny that I felt in the present instance
such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced
when leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery.
As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprung
forward, some to ease me of my armour, some to offer me
refreshments, some with hookahs, attar of roses (in great
quart bottles), and the thousand delicacies of Eastern life.
I motioned them away. "I will wear my armour," said I;
" I shall go forth to-night : carry my duty to the princess,
and say I grieve that to-night I have not the time to see
her. Spread me a couch here, and bring me supper here :
a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed with pis
tachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid
-anything. Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone,
and tell me when the meal is ready."
I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge,
and hoped to be able to escape without subjecting myself
to the examination of her curious eyes. After smoking for
a while, an attendant came to tell me that my supper was
prepared in the inner apartment of the tent (I suppose that
the reader, if he be possessed of the commonest intelligence,
knows that the tents of the Indian grandees are made of
the finest Cashmere shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at
least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash windows complete).
I entered, I say, into an inner chamber, and there began
with my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental fashion,
taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar, which
was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow.
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 365
I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a
most savoury stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my
meal, when I heard a scuffle of feet, a shrill clatter of fe
male voices, and, the curtain being flung open, in marched
a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon-faces and
slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise.
The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a con
trast to her attendants as could possibly be; she was crook
ed, old, of the complexion of molasses, and rendered a
thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress and the blaz
ing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow
chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which
was further ornamented by an immense glittering nose
ring), her eyelids painted bright red, and a large dab of the
same colour on her chin, showed she was not of the Mus
sulman, but the Brahmin faith and of a very high caste;
you could see that by her eyes. My mind was instanta
neously made up as to my line of action.
The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment,
as they heard the well-known sound of her voice. It would
have been death to them to have remained and looked in
her face. The females ranged themselves round their mis
tress, as she squatted down opposite to me.
"And is this," said she, "a welcome, O Khan! after six
months absence, for the most unfortunate and loving wife
in all the world? Is this lamb, glutton! half so tender
as thy spouse? Is this wine, sot! half so sweet as her
looks? "
I saw the storm was brewing her slaves, to whom she
turned, kept up a kind of chorus :
"Oh, the faithless one!" cried they; "0, the rascal, the
false one, who has no eye for beauty, and no heart for
love, like the Khanum s!
"A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely: "but
a lamb has a good temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicat
ing as a woman but a wine-cup has no tongue, Khauuni
Gee ! " and again I dipped my nose in the soul-refreshing
jar.
366 THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN.
The sweet Puttee Eooge was not, however, to be put off
by my repartees; she and her maidens recommenced their
chorus, and chattered and stormed until I lost all patience.
"Retire, friends," said I, "and leave me in peace."
" Stir, on your peril! " cried the Khanum.
So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew
out my pistols, cocked them, and said, " houris ! these
pistols contain each two balls: the daughter of Holkar
bears a sacred life for me but for you ! by all the saints
of Hindoostan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment
longer in my presence ! ? This was enough ; the ladies
gave a shriek, and skurried out of the apartment like a
covey of partridges on the wing.
Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather
Bobbachy s wife, sate still, a little flurried by the unusual
ferocity which her lord had displayed in her presence. I
seized her hand, and, gripping it close, whispered in her
ear, to which I put the other pistol, "O Khanum, listen
and scream not; the moment you scream, you die ! " She
was completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman
could in her situation, and said, " Speak, Bobbachy Bahaw-
der, I am dumb."
"Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing
the chain cape which had covered almost the whole of my
face "/ am not thy husband I am the slayer of ele
phants, the world-renowned GAHAGAN !
As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell
over my shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed
face and beard), I formed one of the finest pictures that
can possibly be conceived, and I recommend it as a subject
to Mr. Heath, for the next "Book of Beauty."
" Wretch ! " said she, " what wouldst thou? J
"You black- faced fiend," said I, "raise but your voice,
and you are dead ! "
"And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that you
can escape? The torments of hell are not so terrible as the
tortures that Holkar will invent for thee."
"Tortures, madam," answered I, coolly. "Fiddlesticks!
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAK 367
You will neither betray me, nor will I be put to the tor
ture : on the contrary, you will give me your best jewels
and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don t grind your
teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam; you know this
dress and these arms, they are the arms of your husband,
Bobbachy Bahawder my prisoner. He now lies in yonder
fort, and if I do not return before daylight, at sunrise he
dies : and then, when they send his corpse back to Holkar,
what will you, his widow, do?
" Oh ! " said she, shuddering, " spare me, spare me ! ;
: , "I ll tell you what you will do. You will have the
pleasure of dying along with him of being roasted, madam,
an agonizing death, from which your father cannot save
you, to which he will be the first man to condemn and con
duct you. Ha ! I see we understand each other, and you
will give me over the cash- box and jewels." And so say
ing I threw myself back with the calmest air imaginable,
flinging the pistols over to her. " Light me a pipe, my love,"
said I, "and then go and hand me over the dollars; do you
hear? >: You see I had her in my power up a tree, as the
Americans say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for
me, and then departed for the goods I spoke about.
What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been
made to take that ride round the camp, I should infallibly
have been lost.
My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe
afterwards, had occupied a couple of hours of my time.
The princess returned from her quest, and brought with
her the box, containing valuables to the amount of about
three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards,
but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about
to take my departure, when a tremendous knocking, shout
ing, and screaming was heard at the entrance of the tent.
It was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed Loll
Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master
restored to good-humour, and had communicated to him his
firm conviction that I was an impostor.
" Ho, Begum ! " shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and
368 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
his people could not enter the women s apartments), " speak,
my daughter! is your husband returned? ?
"Speak, madam," said I, "or remember the roasting."
"He is, papa," said the Begum.
"Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!" (the old ruffian was
laughing outside) "are you sure it is? Ha! ha! ha!
he-ere ! "
" Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to
go, and to pass no more such shameless jests on your daugh
ter. Have I ever seen the face of any other man? ; And
hereat she began to weep as if her heart would break the
deceitful minx !
Holkar s laugh was instantly turned to fury. "Oh, you
liar and eternal thief ! " said he, turning round (as I pre
sume, for I could only hear) to Loll Mahornmed, " to make
your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this! Furoshes,
seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade
him from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property j
and hark ye, furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUNDRED DOZEN MOBS ! r
Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace
flowed into my soul.
* * * * *
Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to
approach the little fortress of Futtyghur : one was a woman
wrapped closely in a veil, the other a warrior, remarkable
for the size and manly beauty of his form, who carried in
his hand a deal box of considerable size. The warrior at
the gate gave the word and was admitted; the woman re
turned slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee
Kooge; his was
G. O G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S. C, I. H. A.
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 369
CHAPTER VI.
FAMINE IN THE GARRISON.
THUS my dangers for the night being overcome I hastened
with my precious box into my own apartment, which com
municated with another, where I had left my prisoner, with
a guard to report if he should recover, and to prevent his
escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of the guard.
I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much con
fused and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance.
"Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look so
pale, fellow? r (He was as white as a sheet.) "It is thy
master, dost thou not remember him? ? The man had seen
me dress myself in the Pitan s clothes, but was not present
when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I
have described.
" O Bramah, Vishnou, and Mahomet ! " cried the faithful
fellow, " and do I see my dear master disguised in this
way? For heaven s sake let me rid you of this odious
black paint; for what will the ladies say in the ball-room,
if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them
with his roses turned into coal? "
I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the
time of which I write, when only two-and-twenty, I con
fess I ivas a little vain of my personal appearance, and not
very willing to appear before my dear Belinda disguised
like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me of
the heathenish armour and habiliments which I wore; and
having, with a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my
face and beard of their black tinge, I put on my own be
coming uniform, and hastened to wait on the ladies; has
tened, I say, although delayed would have been the better
word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two
hours.
370 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN,
" How is the prisoner, Ghoramsaug? " said I, before
leaving my apartment.
" He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt
him; two men and myself watch over him; and Macgilli-
cuddy Sahib (the second in command) has just been the
rounds, and has seen that all was secure."
I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of
treasure (my exultation in taking it was so great that I
could not help informing him of its contents); and this
done, I despatched him to his post near the prisoner, while
I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the fair
creatures under my protection. What good after all have
I done, thought I to myself, in this expedition which I
had so rashly undertaken? I had seen the renowned Hol-
kar, I had been in the heart of his camp; I knew the dis
position of his troops, that there were eleven thousand of
them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a
regular attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge; I
had robbed her (I say robbed her, and I don t care what the
reader or any other man may think of the act,) of a deal
box, containing jewels to the amount of three millions ster
ling, the property of herself and husband.
Three millions in money and jewels! And what the
deuce were money and jewels to me or to my poor garrison?
Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat a f ricasee of diamonds,
or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her tea? Could I,
careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would di
gest anything (once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse
during a famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel
that I bolted the shoe, as well as the hoof, and never felt
the slightest inconvenience from either) could I, I say,
expect to live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a
,dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth
of Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have
paid cheerfully its weight in carats fora good honest round
of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, what art thou? What is
gold? Soft metal. What are diamonds? Shining tinsel.
The great wealth-winners, the only fame- achievers, the sole
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 371
objects worthy of a soldier s consideration, are beef-steaks,
gunpowder, and cold iron.
The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had
in my own apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping
it under my own bed, with a candle burning for fear of
accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery (4 long 48 s and 4
carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for grape,
which I had taken myself at the battle of Assye), and
muskets for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have
told the reader in a previous number, consisted of 40 men,
two chaplains, and a surgeon; add to these my guests, 83
in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights,
powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out
merely for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege).
Such were our numbers :
Troops and artillerymen, ... 40
Ladies, 74
Other non-combatants, . . . .11
MAJOR G. O G. GAHAGAN, t . . 1,000
1,125
I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regu
larly rated in the army : with this great benefit to it, that
I only consumed as much as an ordinary mortal. We were
then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths; as comba
tants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a
fort, against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming
odds, if-
If! ay, there was the rub if we had shot, as well as
powder for our guns; if we had not only men but meat.
Of the former commodity we had only three rounds for
each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honour, to feed
126 souls, we had but
Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
Of soda-water, four do. do.
Two bottles fine Spanish olives.
Raspberry cream the remainder of two dishes.
372 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAOAN.
Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle.
Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust of
an old Stilton ; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins.
Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant- jelly, and 197 bottles
of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock) ; a couple
of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil.
This was the provision for the whole garrison ! The men
after supper had seized upon the relics of the repast, as
they were carried off from the table; and these were the
miserable remnants I found and counted on my return :
taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and
treasure what little sustenance still remained in it.
When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the
morning snn, I not only caused a sensation myself, but felt
one in my own bosom, which was of the most painful de
scription. Oh, my reader ! may you never behold such a
sight as that which presented itself : eighty- three men and
women in ball-dresses; the former with their -lank pow
dered locks streaming over their faces; the latter with
faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged rouge, blear eyes,
draggling feathers, rumpled satins each more desperately
melancholy and hideous than the other each, except my
beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never hav
ing been in curl could of course never go out of curl; whose
cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it may naturally be sup
posed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous arms,
dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and there
fore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-
powder had come off. Joy (deft link-boy !) lit his lamps
in each of her eyes as I entered. As if I had been her sun,
her spring, lo! blushing roses mantled in her cheek! Sev
enty-three ladies, as I entered, opened their fire upon me,
and stunned me with cross-questions, regarding my adven
tures in the camp she, as she saw me, gave a faint scream
(the sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat
of a woman !) then started up then made as if she would
sit down then moved backwards then tottered forwards
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 373
then tumbled into my Psha ! why recall, why attempt
to describe that delicious that passionate greeting of two
young hearts? What was the surrounding crowd to us?
What cared we for the sneers of the men, the titters of the
jealous women, the shrill "Upon my word," of the elder
Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations of Belinda s
mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms.
" Goliah ! my Goliah ! " said she, " my brave, my beautiful,
thou art returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh!
who can tell the anguish of my soul, during this dreadful,
dreadful night ! Other similar ejaculations of love and
joy she uttered; and if I had perilled life in her service, if
I did believe that hope of escape there was none, so exquis
ite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else
in this overwhelming joy !
*****
[The Major s description of this meeting, which lasted
at the very most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of
writing. We have been compelled to dock off twelve-and-
a-half; for the whole passage, though highly creditable to
his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the reader.]
*****
As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to
sneer, and were giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a
chair, and, scowling round with a tremendous fierceness,
which those who know me know I can sometimes put on, I
shouted out, "Hark ye! men and women I am this lady s
truest knight her husband I hope one day to be. I am
commander, too, in this fort the enemy is without it;
another word of mockery another glance of scorn and,
by heaven, I will hurl every man and woman from the bat
tlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar ! This quieted
them. I am. a man of my word, and none of them stirred
or looked disrespectfully from that moment.
It was now my turn to make them look foolish. Mrs.
Vandegobbleschroy (whose unfailing appetite is pretty well
known to every person who has been in India) cried, " Well,
Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so pleasant, and the
374 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the
ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast. " And Mrs.
Van giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasona
ble speech. " Oh ! breakfast, breakfast by all means," said
the rest; " we really are dying for a warm cup of tea."
" Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you d like, ladies? "
says I.
"Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat
Mrs. Van.
" What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER? "
Of course they said it was the very thing.
" And do you like hot rowls or cowld muffins or crum
pets fresh butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do
you say to some ilegant divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and
just a trifle of grilled turkeys, and a couple of hundthred
new-laid eggs for the ladies? "
"Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow," an
swered they all.
"But stop," says I. "O ladies, O ladies; O gentlemen,
gentlemen, that you should ever have come to the quarters
of Goliah Gahagan, and he been without "
" What? " said they, in a breath.
, " Alas ! alas ! I have not got a single stick of chocolate
in the whole house."
" Well, well, we can do without it."
"Or a single pound of coffee."
"Nevermind; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van and the
rest were beginning to look alarmed. )
" And about the kidneys now I remember, the black div
vies outside the fort have seized upon all the sheep; and
how are we to have kidneys without them? (Here there
was a slight o o o !)
" And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be re
marked that the cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single
drop can be had for money or love : but we can beat up
eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just as good."
"Oh! just as good."
"Only the divvle s in the luck, there s not a fresh egg
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 375
to be had no, nor a fresh chicken, " continued I, "nor a
stale one either; nor a tay spoonful of souchong, nor a thim
bleful of bohay; nor the laste taste in life of butther, salt
or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld !
"In the name of Heaven! " said Mrs. Van, growing very
pale, " what is there, then?
"Ladies and gentlemen, I ll tell you what there is now,"
shouted I. "There s
"Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c.
And I went through the whole list of eatables as before,
ending with the ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly.
"Law! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobble-
schroy, "give me the ham-sandwiches I must manage to
breakfast off them."
And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at
this modest proposition ! Of course I did not accede to it
why should I? I was the commander of the fort, and
intended to keep these three very sandwiches for the use of
myself and my dear Belinda. "Ladies," said I, "there
are in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this
is all the food which is to last us during the siege. Meat
there is none of drink there is a tolerable quantity; and
at one o clock punctually, a glass of wine and one olive
shall be served out to each woman : the men will receive
two glasses, and an olive and a fig and this must be your
food during the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more
than three days; and if he be why, still there is a chance
why do I say a chance? a certainty of escaping from the
hands of these ruffians."
" Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan ! " screeched
the whole covey at a breath.
"It lies," answered I, "in the powder magazine. I will
blow this fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes
the prey of Holkar."
The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been
heard in Holkar s camp, and fainted in different directions;
376 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
but my dear Belinda whispered in my ear, "Well clone,
thou noble knight! bravely said, my heart s Goliah! I
felt I was right : I could have blown her up twenty times
for the luxury of that single moment ! " And now, ladies,"
said I, " I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain
with you to administer professional consolation the other
gentlemen will follow me upstairs to the ramparts^ where I
shall find plenty of work for them."
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 377
CHAPTEK VII.
THE ESCAPE.
LOTH as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it
but to obey, and they accordingly followed me to the ram
parts, where I proceeded to review my men. The fort, in
my absence, had been left in command of Lieutenant Mac-
gillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may
be seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair
of honour) ; and the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I
had only stunned, never wishing to kill him, had been left
in charge of that officer. Three of the garrison (one of
them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body-
servant, Ghorumsaug above named), were appointed to
watch the captive by turns, and never leave him out of their
sight. The lieutenant was instructed to look to them and
to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy was severely injured by
the blow which I had given him, and was, moreover, bound
hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I considered
myself sure of his person.
Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I re
viewed my little force, and the three havildars were like
wise absent this did not surprise me, as I had told them
not to leave their prisoner; but, desirous to speak with the
lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him, and ordered
him to appear immediately.
The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale:
he whispered some information into my ear, which instantly
caused me to hasten to the apartments where I had caused
Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined.
The men had fled; Bobbachy had fled; and in his place,
fancy my astonishment when I found with a rope cutting
his naturally wide mouth almost into his ears with a
dreadful sabre-cut across his forehead with his legs tied
378 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
over his head, and his arms tied between his legs my un
happy, my attached friend Mortimer Macgillicuddy !
He had been in this position for about three hours it
was the very position in which I had caused Bobbachy Ba-
hawder to be placed an attitude uncomfortable, it is true,
but one which renders escape impossible, unless treason aid
the prisoner.
I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position : I
poured half-a-bottle of whiskey down the immensely en
larged orifice of his mouth, and when he had been released,
he informed me of the circumstances that had taken place.
Fool that I was! idiot! upon my return to the fort, to
have been anxious about my personal appearance, and to
have spent a couple of hours in removing the artificial
blackening from my beard and complexion, instead of going
to examine my prisoner; when his escape would have been
prevented O foppery, foppery! it was that cursed love
of personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty
to my general, my country, my monarch, and my own
honour !
Thus it was that the escape took place. My own fellow
of the Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, per
formed the operation to my satisfaction, invested me with
the elegant uniform of my corps, and removed the Pitan s
disguise, which I had taken from the back of the prostrate
Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?- -Why,
he carried back the dress to the Bobbachy he put it, once
more, on its right owner, he and his infernal black compan
ions (who had been so won over by the Bobbachy with
promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy, who
was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian
coolly up to the outer gate, and gave the word. The senti
nel, thinking it was myself, who had first come in, and
was as likely to go out again (indeed, my rascally valet
said that Gahagan Saib was about to go out with him and
his two companions to reconnoitre) opened the gates, and
off they went !
This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I en-
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 379
tered! and for the scoundrel s speech, that the lieutenant
had just been the rounds ; he had, poor fellow, and had
been seized and bound in this cruel way. The three men.
with their liberated prisoner, had just been on the point of
escape, when my arrival disconcerted them : I had changed
the guard at the gate (whom they had won over likewise);
and yet, although they had overcome poor Mac, and al
though they were ready for the start, they had positively
no means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough
to put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice besotted
fool that I was, to think of my own silly person when I
should have been occupied solely with my public duty.
From Macgillicuddy s incoherent accounts, as he was
gasping from the effects of the gag and the whiskey he had
taken to revive him, and from my own subsequent observa
tions, I learned this sad story. A sudden and painful
thought struck me my precious box ! I rushed back, I
found that box I have it still. Opening it, there where
I had left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks, and ru
pees, strings of diamonds as big as ducks 7 eggs, rubies as
red as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings of pearls,
amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes I
found a piece of paper ! with a few lines in the Sanscrit
language, which are thus, word for word, translated :
EPIGRAM.
(On disappointing a certain Major.)
The conquering lion return d with his prey,
And safe in his cavern be set it,
The sly little fox stole the booty away ;
And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
" Aha! don t you wish you may get it?"
Confusion ! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these
cutting lines. I stamped, I swore, I don t know to what
insane lengths my rage might have carried me, had not at
this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming, " The enemy,
the enemy ! "
380 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
CHAPTER VIII.
THE CAPTIVE.
IT was high time, indeed, that I should make my appear
ance. Waving my sword with one hand and seizing my
telescope with the other, I at once frightened and examined
the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that flamingo-
plume floating in the breeze that awful figure standing in
the breach that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky
well, I say, they knew the name of the humble individual
who owned the sword, the plume, and the figure. The
ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry behind. The
flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violon
cellos, and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in
the air a strange, barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals),
mounted on white dromedaries, were seen galloping to and
fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the orders of Holkar.
You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising
as it does on a rock that is almost perpendicular) are de
fended by the Burruinpooter river, two hundred feet deep
at this point, and a thousand yards wide, so that I had no
fear about them attacking me in that quarter. My guns,
therefore (with their six-and- thirty miserable charges of
shot) were dragged round to the point at which I conceived
Holkar would be most likely to attack me. I was in a
situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times as
I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a can
non ; so the attacking party marched and marched, very
strongly, about a mile and a half off, the elephants march
ing without receiving the slightest damage from us, until
they had come to within four hundred yards of our walls
(the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, through
the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never
would have ventured so near). At that distance it was
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
381
about the spot where the Futtyghur hill began gradually
to rise the invading force stopped; the elephants drew
up in a line, right angles with our wall (the fools ! they
thought they should expose themselves too much by taking
a position parallel to it!) the cavalry halted too, and
after the deuce s own flourish of trumpets and hangings of
gongs, to be sure, somebody, in a flame-coloured satin
dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree (that
looked through my telescope like a small but very bright
planet), got up from the back of one of the very biggest
elephants, and began a speech.
The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with ad
mirable precision, about three hundred of them. The fol
lowing little diagram will explain matters :
*
E
E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a
gun in the fort. Now the reader will see what I did.
The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to
and fro gracefully before them ; and I, with superhuman
skill and activity, brought the gun G (a devilish long brass
gun) to bear upon them; I pointed it myself; bang! it
went, and what was the consequence? Why, this :
G
F
F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the
elephants, as we have previously seen them. What then
382 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
is X ? X is the line taken by the ball fired from G, which
took off one hundred and thirty-four elephants trunks, and
only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that
stood the hundred and thirty-fifth !
I say that such a shot was never fired before or since ;
that a gun was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I
had been a common man, and contented myself with firing
bang at the head of the first animal? An ass would have
done it, prided himself had he hit his -mark, and what
would have been the consequence? Why that the ball
might have killed two elephants and wounded a third ; but
here, probably, it would have stopped, and done no further
mischief. The trunk was the place at which to aim; there
are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the bul
let, shearing, as 1 have said, through one hundred and
thirty-five probosces. Heavens! what a howl there was
when the shot took effect! What a sudden stoppage of
Holkar s speech! What a hideous snorting of elephants!
What a msh backwards was made by the whole army, as
if some demon was pursuing them !
Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full re
treat, than, rushing forward myself, I shouted to my men,
" My friends, yonder lies your dinner ! We flung open
the gates we tore down to the spot where the elephants
had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that
escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had
left their tusks behind them. A great quantity of them,
we seized; and I myself, cutting up with my scimitar a
couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher would a calf, mo
tioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort, where
barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of
the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine,
which I had promised to my female friends, in my speech
to them. The animal reserved for the ladies was a young
white one the fattest and tenderest I ever ate in my life :
they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber
flavour, which, until one is accustomed to it, is unpala
table.
THE LIFE OP MAJOR GAHAGAN. 383
It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during
my absence on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one
or two others had forced their way into the supper-room,
and devoured every morsel of the garrison larder, with the
exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine, which
were locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a
sentinel. Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her
gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat her. However, we
made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks,
and when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing
that there was enough for one meal more.
The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in
great force, attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help
of my guns, and my good sword, by the distinguished bravery
of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and the rest of the garrison,
we beat this attack off completely, the enemy sustaining a
loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when
another attack was made, what were we to do? We had
still a little powder left, but had fired off all the shot,
stones, iron-bars, &c., in the garrison! On this day, too,
we devoured the last morsel of our food; I shall never for
get Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy s despairing look, as I saw her
sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the
little white elephant s roasted tail.
The third day the attack was repeated. The resources
of genius are never at an end. Yesterday I had no ammu
nition; to-day, I had discovered charges sufficient for two
guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but had
bores of about blunderbuss size.
This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received,
as the reader may remember, such a bastinadoing for my
sake, headed the attack. The poor wretch could not walk,
but he was carried in an open palanquin, and came on wav
ing his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindoostan jar
gon. Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who
picked off every one of our men who showed their noses
above the ramparts; and a great host of blackamoors with
scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions,
17 Vol. 19
384 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other ap
purtenances of offensive war.
On they came; my guns and men were ready for them.
You will ask how my pieces were loaded? I answer, that
though my garrison were without food, I knew my duty as
an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the two
guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into
each swivel.
They advanced, whishl went one of the Dutch cheeses,
bang! went the other. Alas! they did little execution.
In their first contact with an opposing body, they certainly
floored it; but they became at once like so much Welsh-
rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they
struck down.
"Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum; (praise to Allah and
the forty-nine Imaums !) shouted out the ferocious Loll Ma-
hommed when he saw the failure of my shot. " Onward,
sons of the Prophet ! the infidel has no more ammunition.
A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who brings
me Gahagan s head! "
His men set up a shout, and rushed forward he, to do
him justice, was at the very head, urging on his own palan
quin-bearers, and poking them with the tip of his scimitar.
They came panting up the hill : I was black with rage, but
it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair. "Macgilli-
euddy," said I, calling that faithful officer, "you know
where the barrels of powder are? He did. " You know
the use to make of them?" He did. He grasped my
hand. "Goliah," said he, "farewell! I swear that the
fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have
carried it. Oh, my poor mother ! " added the gallant youth,
as sighing, yet fearless, he retired to his post.
I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda,
and then, stepping into the front, took down one of the
swivels; a shower of matchlock balls came whizzing round
my head. I did not heed them.
I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed,
his palanquin, and his men, were now not above two hun-
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 385
dred yards from the fort. Loll was straight before me,
gesticulating and shouting to his men. I fired bang ! ! !
I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Span
ish olives were lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy
Loll Mahommed. The wretch, uttering a yell the moat
hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back dead the
frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran the
whole host ran as one man : their screams might be heard
for leagues. "Tomasha, tomasha," they cried, "it is en
chantment!" Away they fled, and the victory a third
time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back to
my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty- four hours,
but I forgot hunger in the thought of once more behold
ing her f
The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile
as I entered, and almost fainted in my arms; but alas I
it was not love which caused in her bosom an emotion so
strong it was hunger ! " Oh ! my Goliah," whispered she,
"for three days I have not tasted food I could not eat
that horrid elephant yesterday; but now oh! heaven!"
She could say no more, but sunk almost lifeless on my
shoulder. I administered to her a trifling dram of rum
which revived her for a moment, and then rushed down
stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg,
she should still have something to satisfy her hunger.
Luckily I remembered that three or four elephants were
still lying in the field, having been killed by us in the first
action, two days before. Necessity, thought I, has no law;
my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get some
thing better.
I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most
part, assembled. "Men," said I, "our larder is empty; we
must fill it as we did the day before yesterday ; who will
follow Gahagan on a foraging party? 3 I expected that, as
on former occasions, every man would offer to accompany me.
To my astonishment, not a soul moved a murmur arose
among the troops; and at last one of the oldest and bravest
came forward.
386 TEE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed
upon elephants for ever; we have not a grain of powder left,
and must give up the fort when the attack is made to-mor
row. We may as well be prisoners now as then, and we
won t go elephant-hunting any more."
"Ruffian! I said, "he who first talks of surrender,
dies ! " and I cut him down. " Is there any one else who
wishes to speak? 9
No one stirred.
"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what, you
dare not move for fear of death, at the hands of those
wretches who even now fled before your arms what, do I
say your arms? before mine ! alone I did it; and as alone
I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress ! Ho !
open the gate ! ?
I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The
bodies of the elephants that we had killed still lay on the
ground where they had fallen, about four hundred yards
from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very steep
one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the an
imals, choosing a tolerably small and plump one, of about
thirteen feet high, which the vultures had respected. I
threw this animal over my shoulders, and made for the
fort.
As I inarched up the acclivity, whizz piff whirr ! came
the balls over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter!
they fell on the body of the elephant like drops of rain.
The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and quickened my
pace. I heard the gallop of their horse : they came nearer,
nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort seventy
fifty! I strained every nerve; I panted with the super
human exertion I ran, could a man run very fast with
such a tremendous weight on his shoulders?
Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and
screaming at my tail. heaven! five yards more one
moment and I am saved ! It is done I strain the last
strain I make the last step I fling forward my precious
burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 387
I fall ! The gate thunders to, and I am left on the out-
S lde ! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes
fifty black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims,
Stop ! kill him not, it is Gujputi ! A film came over
my eyes exhausted nature would bear no more.
388 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN,
CHAPTER IX.
SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR.
WHEN I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen,
I found myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable black
faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor (whence our word apothe
cary) feeling my pulse, and looking at me with an air of
sagacity.
" Where am I? " I exclaimed, looking round and examin
ing the strange faces, and the strange apartment which met
my view. " Bekhusm ! " said the apothecary. "Silence!
Gahagan Saib is in the hands of those who know his val
our, and will save his life."
"Know my valour, slave? Of course you do," said I;
"but the fort the garrison the elephant Belinda, my
love my darling Macgillicuddy the scoundrelly muti
neers the deal bo " * * *
I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so
heavily upon my poor shattered mind and frame, that both
failed once more. I fainted again, and I know not how
long I lay insensible.
Again, however, I came to my senses : the pothukoor ap
plied restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours I
awoke, much refreshed. I had no wound; my repeated
swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they might) by
my gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill
a quarter of a mile in length. Walking, the task is bad
enough, but running, it is the deuce; and I would recom
mend any of my readers who may be disposed to try and
carry a dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace
of more than five miles an hour.
Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at
my door (plainly indicating that sentinels were posted
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 389
there), and a single old gentleman, richly habited, entered
the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I had surely seen
him before. No yes no yes it was he the snowy
white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly,
and level with the rest of the venerable face, proclaimed
him at once to be Saadut Allee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar s
prime vizier, whose nose, as the reader may recollect, his
highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my inter
view with him in the Pitan s disguise. I now knew my
fate but too well I was in the hands of Holkar.
Saadut Allee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards
me, and with a mild air of benevolence, which distinguished
that excellent man (he was torn to pieces by wild horses
the year after, on account of a difference with Holkar), he
came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said,
"Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceit
ful, valour is unavailing, fame is only wind the nightin
gale sings of the rose all night where is the rose in the
morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by a frost. The
rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where
is that delightful song-bird? Pena-bekhoda, he is netted,
plucked, spitted, and roasted ! Who knows how misfortune
comes? It has come to Gahagan Gujputi ! ?
"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language.
"Gahagan Gujputi will bear it like a man."
"No doubt like a wise man and a brave one; but there
is no lane so long to which there is not a turning, no night
so black to which there comes not a morning. Icy winter
is followed by merry spririgtime grief is often succeeded
by joy."
"Interpret, Oriddler! said I; "Gahagan Khan is no
reader of puzzles no prating Mollah. Gujputi loves not
words, but swords."
"Listen, then, Gujputi: you are in Holkar s power."
"I know it."
" You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow
morning."
"I dare say."
390 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails
from your fingers, and your eyes from your head."
"Very possibly."
"They will flay you alive, and then bum you."
" Well; they can t do any more."
" They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder
fort," it was not then taken ! " and repeat upon them the
same tortures."
"Ha! Belinda! Speak how can all this be avoided? "
"Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda."
"He does, Vizier, to distraction."
"Of what rank is he in the Koompani s army?
"A captain."
"A miserable captain oh, shame! Of what creed is
he?"
"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic."
" But he has not been very particular about his religious
duties? "
"Alas, no."
"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve
years?
" Tis too true."
"Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince
Holkar has sent me to thee. You shall have the moon-face
for your wife your second wife, that is; the first shall
be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves you to mad
ness; with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have
the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his
highness intends to get rid. You shall be second in com
mand of his highness s forces. Look, here is his commis
sion signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the sa
cred names of the forty-nine Imaurns. You have but to
renounce your religion and your service, and all these re
wards are yours."
He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it
to me (it was beautifully written in Indian ink I had it
for fourteen years, but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty,
washed it, forsooth, and washed off every bit of the writing).
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 391
I took it calmly, and said, "This is a tempting offer.
Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it? ;
After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I
promised to give him an answer. My mind, however, was
made up as soon as he was gone, I threw myself on the
sofa and fell asleep.
* * * * *
At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back : two
people were with him; one, by his martial appearance, I
knew to be Holkar, the other I did not recognize. It was
about midnight.
"Have you considered?" said the Vizier, as he came to
my couch.
" I have," said I, sitting up, I could not stand, for my
legs were tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel
handcuffs. "I have," said I, "unbelieving dogs! I have.
Do you think to pervert a Christian gentleman from his
faith and honour? Ruffian blackamoors ! do your worst;
heap tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear
me to pieces after you have torn me into a certain num
ber of pieces, I shall not feel it and if I did, if each tor
ture could last a life, if each limb were to feel the agonies
of a whole body, what then? I would bear all all all
all all ALL ! My breast heaved my form dilated
my eye flashed as I spoke these words. "Tyrants!" said
I, "dulce et decorum est pro patri& mori." Having thus
clinched the argument, I was silent.
The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear
trickling down his cheeks.
"What a constancy!" said he. "Oh, that such beauty
and such bravery should be doomed so scon to quit the
earth ! "
His tall companion only sneered and said, "And Be
linda "
" Ha ! " said I, " ruffian, be still ! Heaven will protect
her spotless innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou
knowest me too! Who, with his single sword, destroyed
thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain thy nose-
392 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants?
Three hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle : of these
I slew one hundred and thirty- five ! Dog, coward, ruffian,
tyrant, unbeliever ! Gahagan hates thee, spurns thee, spits
on thee ! y
Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave
a scream of rage, and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to
despatch me at once (it was the very thing I wished for),
when the third person sprang forward, and seizing his arm,
cried
" Papa ! oh, save him ! " It was Puttee Rooge ! " Re
member," continued she, " his misfortunes remember, oh,
remember my love ! " and here she blushed, and putting
one finger into her mouth, and hanging down her head,
looked the very picture of modest affection.
Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered,
" Tis better as it is; had I killed him now, I had spared
him the torture. None of this shameless fooling, Puttee
Rooge," continued the tyrant, dragging her away. Cap
tain Gahagan dies three hours from hence." Puttee Rooge
gave one scream and fainted her father and the Vizier
carried her off between them; nor was I loath to part with
her, for, with all her love, she was as ugly as the deuce.
They were gone my fate was decided. I had but three
hours more of life : so I flung myself again on the sofa, and
fell profoundly asleep. As it may happen to any of my
readers to be in the same situation, and to be hanged them
selves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan of
going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found
to be successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes
away a great deal of unpleasant time, and it prepares one
to meet like a man the coming catastrophe.
* * # # *
Three o clock came: the sun was at this time making his
appearance in the heavens, and with it came the guards,
who were appointed to conduct me to the torture. I woke,
xose, was carried out, and was set on the very white don
key on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 393
camp after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode
behind me, restored to his rank and state; troops of cavalry
hemmed us in on all sides; my ass was conducted by the
common executioner : a crier went forward, shouting out,
" Make way for the destroyer of the faithful he goes to
bear the punishment of his crimes." We came to the fatal
plain : it was the very spot whence I had borne away the
elephant, and in full sight of the fort. I looked towards
it. Thank heaven ! King George s banner waved on it
still a crowd were gathered on the walls the men, the
dastards who had deserted me and women, too. Among
the latter I thought I distinguished one who Oh gods ! the
thought turned me sick I trembled and looked pale for
the first time.
"He trembles! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbaohy
Bahawder, ferociously exulting over his conquered enemy.
" Dog ! " shouted I (I was sitting with my head to the
donkey J s tail, and so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)
-" not so pale as you looked when I felled you with this
arm not so pale as your women looked when I entered
your harem ! r Completely chop-fallen, the Indian ruffian
was silent: at any rate, I had done for him.
We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple
of feet thick and eight high, was driven in the grass : round
the stake, about seven feet from the ground, was an iron
ring, to which were attached two fetters; in these my
wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood near
with strange-looking instruments : others were blowing at
a fire, over which was a cauldron, and in the embers were
stuck other prongs and instruments of iron.
The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was
the same in effect as that which had been hinted to me the
day previous by the Grand Vizier. I confess I was too
agitated exactly to catch every word that was spoken.
Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little dis
tance. The Grand Vizier came up to me it was his duty
to stand by, and see the punishment performed. "It is
yet time," said he.
394 THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN.
I nodded iny head, but did not answer.
The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible an
guish, and with a voice choking with emotion, said, " Exe
cutioner do your duty ! "
The horrid man advanced he whispered sulkily in the
ears of the Grand Vizier, " Guggly ka ghee, hum khedge-
ree," said he, "the oil does not boil yet wait one minute."
The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil was heated.
The Vizier drew a few feet aside : taking a large ladle full
of the boiling liquid, he advanced, and-
Whish ! bang, bang ! pop ! the executioner was dead
at my feet, shot through the head; the ladle of scalding
oil had been dashed in the face of the unhappy Grand Vi
zier, who lay on the plain, howling. "Whish! bang!
pop! Hurrah! charge! forwards! cut them down!
no quarter ! r
I saw yes, no, yes, no, yes ! I saw regiment upon regi
ment of galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks
of the flying natives. First of the host, I recognized, Oh
Heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On
came the gallant line of black steeds and horsemen; swift,
swift before them rode my officers in yellow Giogger, Pap-
pendick, and Stuffle; their sabres gleamed in the sun, their
voices rung in the air. "D - them! " they cried, "give
it them, boys ! A strength supernatural thrilled through
my veins at that delicious music; by one tremendous effort,
I wrenched the post from its foundation, five feet in the
ground. I could not release my hands from the fetters, it
is true; but, grasping the beam tightly, I sprung forward
with one blow I levelled the five executioners in the midst
of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can ; with the
next, I swept the bearers of Bobbaehy s palanquin off their
legs; with the third, I caught that chief himself in the
small of the back, and sent him flying on to the sabres of
my advancing soldiers !
The next minute, Giogger and Stuffle were in my arms,
THE LIFE OF MAJOR GAHAGAN. 395
Pappendick leading on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in
that wild chase had swept far away. We were alone, I
was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes after
wards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found
me sitting on it.
"Look at Gahagan," said his lordship. "Gentlemen,
did I not tell you we should be sure to find him at his
post ? "
The gallant old nobleman rode on : and this was the fa
mous BATTLE OF FuRRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FlJTTY-
GHUR, fought on the 17th of November, 1804.
*****
About a month afterwards, the following announcement
appeared in Boggleywallah Hurkaru and other Indian
papers : " Married, on the 25th of December, at Futty-
ghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O Grady
Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Ahmednuggar, to
Belinda, second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B.
His Excellency the Commander-in-Chief gave away the
bride ; and after a splendid dejeune, the happy pair set off
to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus must
recollect, however, that Mars must not always be at her
side. The Irregulars are nothing without their leader."
Such was the paragraph such the event the happiest
in the existence of
G. O G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S. C. I. H. A.
THE END.
THAKERAY, W
M
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