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Hello Beat readers! we are back with
plenty of contributions for you to read, to ponder,
to question, to learn from, and to think about. This
amazing issue, 13.23, is packed to the brim with
writings from our new friends in Fresno, CA, as well
as our old friends in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and
of course our local Bay Area contributors, as well
as you amazing BWO writers who drop mad game
from all over this great land of ours. This is quite
an impressive issue and you will see what we mean
when you see the number of POWS (Pieces Of the
Week) featured. Wow!
Don't be surprised if some of you workshop
writers cannot find your piece(s) in this issue and
you are sure you wrote on the topics (which are
mentioned below). There is a good chance we will
have to feature your work in issue 1 3.24, given the
number of pieces we found acceptable to print for this
weeks issue. We truly appreciate your patience.
We know a four-week turn around is a long time
to wait, but this is the case given the number of
workshops we do, and the demand on our time.
Speaking of workshops, we are in need of
consistent, intelligent reliable Beat facilitators. We
are lacking facilitators in almost every county we
visit in the Bay Area, now that summer is in full
swing, and a number of our colleagues/volunteers
are college students, meaning they are back home
for the summer break, and home is not in the San
Francisco Bay Area. We are putting out a calling via
this editors note. Regardless, we're confident we will
manage. Shhh, we've been doing this since 1996,
but we'll have some challenging days ahead.
Don't ask us how we will do the following,
but we are on the verge of starting Beat writing
workshops (as mentioned in an earlier editorial
note) in Washington, DC. We'll be back in DC next
week to meet the young people and staff at Oakhill,
which in many ways is like the DC equivalent of the
CYA (California Youth Authority)! Also, this Friday
we are going up to Solano County Juvenile Hall to
begin our initial workshops and meet the staff and
the (brave) judge who took the initiative to invite
us into their facility. Plus, we have the green light
to start workshops in Monterey County Juvenile Hall
too! We have a couple new colleagues who we have
yet to meet face to face, but have had numerous
contacts with them via phone and email. They have
met with those running the Monterey institution,
and to our benefit we have been given the go ahead!
This week we will be meeting our new facilitators to
get them really on board at our staff meeting!
Yeah, we have staff meetings every once in
a while, so you ask yourself, what will happen at
this staff meeting? Well, we do not have them often
enough, but we need to get a few things straight
with editing and the production end of things. We
also have a number of new intern colleagues who
need to get onboard regarding the day-to-day work
in the office, so definitely a reintroduction to The
Beat Within and our work as a whole. We also know
many colleagues who do this work carry plenty of
questions and concerns regarding the writings, the
editing, the various interactions with institutional
people to the young people whom we come into
contact with each week, so this will be a good
time to air things out. Also at the meeting, we
need to talk about our outreach in the community
- schools, libraries, and with other community base
organizations. Plus, we have an art book that needs
promotion, so we need to create a committee to help
publicize our work and hopefully get readings in the
community. And lastly, we'll deal with fundraising.
We hope from this meeting we will be able to get
a bit more organized and on page with one another
with the goal to be more on top of the weekly, and
to take steps in gaining a wider audience outside of
the walls of the system.
As for this week's topics, "My Autobiography"
- Let's say that a big-time publisher who reads The
Beat Within wants to publish a book about young
people caught up in the juvenile justice system. The
book will include 1 00 life stories, each exactly one
page long. Each page will tell the story of one young
man or woman in his or her own words. So, The Beat
wants you to write a one-page autobiography that
tells us about your past, about how it led you to
where you are, and about your hopes and dreams
- your plans for the future, and how you hope to
achieve them.
The second topic, "My Biography"- A biography is
a person's life story written by someone else. So now
we want you to pretend you are someone who knows
you well — your mom or dad, your grandmother, a
close friend — writing the story of your life. Think
about how they see you in the world, from when you
were born until now, and then write about yourself
from their perspective. Even though it's your life that
you're writing about, you're doing it from someone
else's ideas about you. The important thing is to
imagine how this person sees you, how this person
understands you or doesn't understand you, and to
write your piece as if you were that other person
describing who you are. And tell us who you imagine
is writing your biography. For example, you might
begin: "I want to tell you about my grandchild..."
Lat topic, "Your Music" - Imagine that you are
listening to your favorite music with someone of
the older generation — maybe your grandmother,
or teacher, or counselor. The music they listened to
when they were young is very different from what
you listen to now. So, they don't understand your
taste in music and want to know why this is your
favorite music. What do you like about it? What can
you explain about your music to make this older
person understand why it's so special to you? You
have to explain what you like carefully, with as
many examples and details as possible, to make this
older person see what you see and hear what you
hear.
OK readers, this issue goes out to our Stanford
University volunteers - Andrew, Estella, Nic, Kolby,
Alfred, Charles, Chelsea, Allen and company who
stepped up huge this year as Beat facilitators and
editors for the writings that came out of Santa Clara
County Juvenile Hall. We hope to see some you back
in September when you return to school. Otherwise,
happy trails!
See you all next week!
' // ' ////////
censor inappr*
To our writers: What you write could be h
consequences, and could be used to incrim
feelings and viewpoints without running the
Co-founders: Sandy Clos
The BeStt Within, a weekly newsletter of writing ar
incarcerated youth, is published by Pacific News Service.
At The Beat Within, we go through a lot of trouble to censor
sexual remarks, foul language, and gang references. There is eno
our commuities already-we don't aim to bolster it. It is in The Be
promote peace and unity. Our goal is to educate one another.
The Beat Within publishes the opinions and views expressed by tl
in our workshops. This is simply the pure voice of the youth. T
read do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher, editor or si
are reserved. Nothing from this publication can be reproduced wit
-dous to you. Your wc
te you. Try to illumir
k of providing ammui
Senior Editors: David Inocencio
Assistant Editors: Michael Kroll, Omar Turcios
Graphics/Layout Editor: Manen Pau
Staff: Pauline Craig, Carolyn Goossen, Jill Wolfson, Allan Martinez, Patricia
Johnson, Amanda Abies, Dennis Morton, Sheerly Avni, Jennifer Clarke, Brit-
tany Bernard, Perry Jones, Brenda Navarro, Samantha Navarro, Victor Peter-
son, Laura Vitaro, Justine Palefsky, Karla Serrano, Alissa Blackman, Will Roy,
Angel Ryono, Elizabeth Crawford, Morghan Velez Young, Siliva Mortenson,
Andrew Barba, Estella Cisneros, Allen Huang, Nic Reiner, Angelica Zabanal,
Charles Labanowski, Kolby Hanson, Chelsea Sprick, Akima Edwards, Alfred
Dersidan and Neela Banerjee.
The Maricopa County, Phoenix, Arizona, Juvenile Probation Department
Beat Staff: Joe Szulecewski, M.A., Lisa Donsker, M.C., Hillary Shluker, M.C.,
Lisa Karczewski, M.A. The detention staff are: Tammie Utter, Shannon Lech-
ner, D. Scott Herrmann, Ph.D. Clinical Director.
Bernalillio County Juvenile Detention & Youth Services Center Beat Staff:
Steve Serna
Art: Much props to everyone for the great art this week.
Spiritual Advisor: Jac
Special Volunteer: Na
Book Donor: Marisela Norte
Beat Supporters: The Beat Within greatefully acknowledges the generous sup-
port of funders of Pacific News Service's Youth Communications Programs
- California Arts Council, California Wellness Foundation, Christensen Fund,
Community Foundation of Silicon Valley, Community Technology Foundation
of California, Compton Foundation, Creative Work Fund, Cricket Island Foun-
dation, Evelyn and Walter Haas, Jr. Fund, Ford Foundation, James Irvine Foun-
dation, Marguerite Casey Foundation, Marin Community Foundation, Morris
Stulsaft Foundation, Nathan Cummings Foundation, Oakland Fund for Children
and Youth, Open Society Institute, Peninsula Community Foundation, Phil-
anthropic Ventures Foundation, S. H. Cowell Foundation, San Francisco Arts
Commission, San Francisco Foundation, Shinnyo-en Foundation, W. Clement
and Jessie V. Stone Foundation, Stone Circles Foundation, Stuart Foundation,
Surdna Foundation, The California Endowment, Tides Foundation, Van Loben
Sels/Rembe Rock Foundation, Vanguard Public Foundation, Wallace Alexan-
der Gerbode Foundation, Walter S. Johnson Foundation, Youth Justice Funding
Collaborative, the Zellerbach Family Fund and individual donors.
Writers: Thanks to all the participants in our workshops in the San Francis-
co, Maricopa County Arizona, Santa Clara, San Mateo, Alameda, Bernalillio
County New Mexico, Santa Cruz and Marin County Juvenile Halls. If you have
any questions or comments about The Beat Within, or if you would like to
become a subscriber, contact us at: 275 Ninth St. SFCA. 94103 or call (415)
503-4170 or check us out at:
www.thebeatwithin.0r2
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How Much I Truly Love You
My name is Stephanie and I am forty-three years old. I
have a teenage daughter, Touluvya who is being detained
in Fresno county juvenile justice campus.
It hurts me more and more everyday to have to allow
her to go through this. All I've ever wanted to give her
were the best things in life. But I haven't always been able
to. It's extremely hard as a single mother.
Touluvya has suffered a lot of losses in her young life.
At just age nine she lost her father and grandmother in
the same month. It's been extremely hard for just me to
fill such deep void in her life. My daughter doesn't realize
how much I truly do love her. To keep her head up and try
to be a strong young women like I've tried to be for her
and all of my children.
Many nights I went hungry for her to eat, went broke
so that she can have nice things and sleepless nights
because I feared in the morning she would be gone or
dead. I pray that when she gets out she will realize how
much I truly love her and just live the life I've tried so
hard to provide for her.
-Touluvya
From The Beat: Well we think you DO know how much your mom loves
you! We hope you can show this to her, and show her just how much you
do understand how much she has struggled for you.
Good Life
Hey there! My name is Andrea but everybody calls Drea.
I blow out the candles on May 8th. I live in Clovis. My life
so far has ups and downs.
First there's the boyfriend Phillip, he's like always by
my side. He knows how to cheer me up and also bring me
down. My family, I love them to death. My mom's a little
pushy but I know she does it for the best. My dad well one
word: Fresno county sheriff. That should explain it that's
what he does for a living.
My life has been good so far I'm glad I got parents that
love me and a boyfriend that would do anything for me.
I love them very much and I don't know what I would do
with out them.
-Andrea
From The Beat: You've got so much going for you! We hope you get out
soon and stay out so you can enjoy your great life.
Losing Pablo
I lost my friend Pablo December 23 2006. It was the
worst day of my life.
We met in elementary in fifth grade and he was my
best friend of the boys.
I was 15 when he died. He got stabbed at Save Mart. It
was a fight that led it to murder. The weird thing was that
two weeks before he died some thing in my head told me
he was going to die. And I told my sister but I was like,
"Nan that will never happen."
If God put that in my mind so that I could tell him
about Jesus before He died.
It hurts a lot to have lost someone special to my life
and I will never forget him. I think of him everyday and all
the other things bad or good in my life. I remember them
for the moment but I forget about them, but Pablo I will
always remember him for a lifetime.
-Katie
From The Beat: We do know when someone is on a dangerous path.
You knew in your heart that Pablo was involved in some funk that was
going to hurt someone. We hope you never lose another friend again,
or if you see someone on that path you can intervene and turn them a
different direction.
M) Autobioirapky
I have been struggling through my past and I have tried
my best not to but at the end I still struggle. It's been a
very hard time for me to make my life straight because
of who I am and who I hang out with too. I have tried so
many times but at the end I ended with nothing much. All
I end was being locked up only.
I guess I should have listened to those people who
care about me not those people who are trying to destroy
my life. I know I made a very bad decision over my life, my
family and education. I should have listened to my parents
instead of myself telling me what to do, but sometimes
my parents just don't understand how I feel.
My hopes and dreams are to get out get education, go
to college, get a job. And have my family by my side too.
My plans for the future is a real job. I want to be married
to someone who loves and cares about me, have kids, big
house cars and have everyone I loved. I hope I will achieve
my goals by changing my self and stop listening to myself
because I should have think before I do it. And if I really
want to achieve my goals I really want those people who
loves me to be there for me and support me to achieve
what I wanted for my life. And also be there for me good
and bad times.
-Austin
From The Beat: Your ambition and positive attitude are your biggest
strength. With this attitude, you can get what you want in life. Your
path has so much ahead of you, focus on that and not your mistakes
and you will get everything you dream for — it won't be easy but don't
lose faith.
Stay Hugging The Block
-
I just want to point out some hardships in my life and
how I got through it.
Just growing up in my hood was a window into the gang
life.
Always choppers, magic breaking into people's houses,
slamming 'em to the floor, slamming they mommas to
the floor as well.
But still though I tell you is the hood life man is the
good life.
But with the hood comes enemies, peer pressure,
but growing up around it one gets used and comfortable
to it.
Some of my homies is still locked up and on the outs
I know how much their families are suffering
without their son, dad, uncle, brother, etc.
Sometimes you do what you do either to handle yours,
or to get accepted,
or worse because the head said so and you have to,
or is you who gets dealt with everyday in the hood it's,
"Watch out for the cops, watch out for the cops!",
or "Is that a nark or not?"
So ducking and dodging cops is everyday life.
Out of nowhere a cop be putting out of an alley just as a
deal being made.
All this ducking and dodging just to have something to
eat or wear,
if you know what I mean.
If you were lucky the cop didn't see you only because he
didn't catch what was going on. Well that's my life! And
I'm trying my hardest to keep my brothers away from it
but they keep pursuing the game on their own. So to
this day we stay hugging the block.
-Omar
From The Beat: Ducking and dodging all the time sounds stressful. We
hope that both you and your brothers can get away from it someday
.
Britney's The Best
Mom's Biography of Me
\
My favorite music is form Britney Spears. Because
Britney Spears has made me dance to her music Britney
Spears has inspired me to start singing. Britney Spears
career in singing inspired Justin Timberlake. They became
lovers and it was like part of their music. I thought that
their motivation in singing would keep on like the Rolling
Stones and it feels like it's going to be. I would buy their
music anytime. I thought that they would last but I guest
Britney moved on with her career in singing but not with
him. It's sad. I think Britney Spears would be the best
music artist.
-Yiavang
From The Beat: Britney's lucky to have a loyal fan like you!
A Little About Me
X
I want to tell you about me I'm Gabriella unfortunately
I'm not what you can call lucky. My past hasn't been like
fairy tales like I thought it would be when growing up.
It all started with disagreement and agreements. I was
making life tougher than it was.
I have lost the ones I love by ending were I am now,
juvenile hall, by thinking I can get away with anything.
It's like trying to catch air with my bare hands.
I know I can live up to my hopes, dreams and plans
for the future. First I have to exit this place and try to
move back with my mom. I lost contact with my family
because my bad behavior.
My mom is wonderful with my brothers and sisters.
My main plan is to stay positive and be back in the open
arms of my mom and keep my promises to my little
brothers and sister they need to go back to school, home
and stay out of trouble, I'm tired of realizing I messed
up knowing my family is probably going threw worse
problems. I need and want to get out of juvenile hall and
do better. Nobody wants to be here. Just think before you
do and you'll succeed in life and wont end up here.
-Gabriella
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing your wisdom with Beat Readers! You
know what to do for yourself, the hard part is doing it. But you are a
natural leader. Focus less on luck and more on things you can control,
like your decisions...
This Brain
X
I'm writing about my life. I was born in a town called
Fresno. I lived with my mom and dad, but there was
problems with my family.
My dad was a drug dealer and in and out of prison.
He left when I was two in a half and left my mom with six
thousand dollars, but it did not last us two years because
I had four brothers and one sister, and when I turned
six and a half I got put in foster care for nine and a half
years.
Now my family is in a gang so that's how I got into a
gang banging out with my uncles and seen what they do
made me want to be like them I really did not have my
mom my whole life to tell me right from wrong because
she went to prison when I was six and a half. That's how
I got put in foster care and she got out when I was a
young teen, so she was in for 8 and a half years but now
I'm sitting in a juvenile system thinking about my past.
That's all about my life story.
-Brian
From The Beat: Thanks for telling this true story about how people fall
into gangs: its not because there's something wrong inside them but
because there's something difficult in their street and family reality.
Keep telling your story, only if people like you speak up will society
ever change.
We've got the Brady Bunch in our family: three girls,
three boys, and everyone has their problems, but let me
tell you about my daughter Denise.
Though we call her Niesy, she's your all around
girl. She was born a Halloween baby October 29 1991.
Chestnut hair, ocean blue eyes, she looked kind of like a
chicken. Niesy was always the little girl every body would
point at and admire.
I always knew she'd make the best in life and always
be a leader. Growing up in Fresno going to the same
schools and living in the same house was good for her
social life sometimes too much socializing wasn't good
for her. At the top of the cheer squad soccer team track
and newspaper scribe, one year it took a big 360 for her.
It was like no other. She stopped telling me she loved me,
never gave me hugs or even liked smiling at me thinking
it was just one of those phases come to realize it still
hasn't gone away. At the age of her being 9 we no longer
had a communicating relationship.
I try my best to make everything okay but I just don't
understand how she feels or what she's going through till
one day she came home under the influence and spilled
everything.
I see and feel her hurting, which makes me hurt
knowing all this stuff that's happened.
Second chances are always acceptable so I give her
one thinking she'd show at least some remorse and
change with her demeanor.
It feels as if things have gotten worse being
disrespectful sneaking out making bad choices that just
isn't my little girl I once had.
I can feel her trying to make a little bit of effort to
communicate and trust me but it feels as if our friendship
will never mend back to normal.
So one day we drive to Pismo to have lunch girl talk
and whatever we end up not talking the whole way nor at
dinner either. As we're getting home setting for bed and
we argue. It turns into something bad and I end up calling
the cops and having her sent to juvenile hall. Niesy is
now in juvenile hall I haven't seen or talked to her the
first 6 days she been there and I just know nothing will
be the same when she gets out on the 28th.
-Denise
From The Beat: Wow, you are so mature and brave to tell your mom's
version of this story. We hope you can bridge the communication divide
between you and your mom so you can re-gain your freedom. And re-
gain your mom too! The relationship between mom and daughter is one
of those intense you will ever have. It can be hard, but make the most
of it! Thank you for being so brave.
This Life, My Life
-
What's up everyone who reads this. I'm going to let you
know about my life. My life started with me being born in
1993 then my life started going down the drain.
Man I remember me and all my homies could kick it
and get drunk and high together then we would go out and
do trouble. Man I remember when two of my homies got
in a fight over some female then she end up leaving both
of those dumb-asses. Now I don't see them as much. My
homie Donny has being gone from the longest, I don't see
him no more. I grew up with him. Since we were young.
My other homie Mario I've known him since the fourth
grade.
-Rafael
From The Beat: Ouch, it's painful to read that your life started going
down the drain as soon as you were born. You've been through a lot of
painful stuff, and we hope you can find peace in your heart and also
out there in the world.
My Autobiography
Gotta Leave To Get Out
\
I am a very outgoing person. I love to snowboard, surf,
water ski, mountain climb. I like to go places with my
friends and family.
People say when I am around them they can't help
but smile.
I love animals. I have 3 German shepards, 2 cats, a
python and 2 turtles.
I live in Clovis with my dad and go to school at Clovis
West.
This is my first time being in trouble in my life. This is
apart of my life where I know I need to change or it's just
going to get worse, but I am learning to be a respectful,
responsible young women and do as I am told not what I
want to do.
When I get out I want to be a veterinarian because
I love animals and love taking care of them. I am going
to Fresno State in a few years. My family went to Fresno
State. I love learning and trying new things.
-Jayne
From The Beat: You have so much to look forward to when you get out.
Thanks for sharing all your positive life elements with The Beat.
Can't Stop Smoking
I've been locked up three times in the last two months.
All the times I got locked up was for the same reasons, for
violation of probation. I am in a drug program also known
as JDC. That stands for Juvenile Drug Court. I've been in
that program for like four months. In those four months I
haven't improved. I still keep smoking weed just as much
when I got into the program. I hope to stop but not soon.
-Christian
From The Beat: You've got a long road ahead of you. Christian. Its hard
to stop doing something you're used to, but take it one step at a time
and stay encouraged.
On The Streets
Hey what up with it? Today I'm going to talk about my
life and how it was growing up living a lifestyle roaming
the streets looking for trouble.
I was just a kid kicking it with all the older homeboys
trying to be a bad ass like them. Doing what I had to do to
get a reputation.
I was about twelve when I first got locked up. Ever
since then it seemed like trouble came looking for me,
or it was the other way around. I think I went looking for
trouble, I just never realized it.
I grew up in Fresno and that's where I've lived ever
since.
My father was killed when I was around 8 years old.
I think that's one of the main reasons why I grew up the
way I did, and plus the neighborhood but anyways now
I'm 17 years old and locked up facing 6 years in CYA with
a max of 17 years. You see what alcohol does to you. But
it's not the liquor it's what you do when you got it so
before you do something that you will regret remember
there's consequences for every action.
Well before I let you go I want you to know if your
going to bang do it to the fullest. And before you bang
remember those consequences whether it be death or the
death of a loved one. Stay up.
-Pryers
From The Beat: So sorry you lost your dad, that is the worst thing for a
young kid to endure. You seem to have a clear, honest vision now about
what's right for you and what's wrong. We hope you can sustain that
through your time in CYA and come out stronger and ready to succeed.
What's good man this yo' boy Reese Rees. I'm 16 years
old. I'll be 17 in September.
I've been in and out of the hall since I was a young
teen. I've been here six times. I don't like it but it seems
like every time I try to do good on the outs I always get
violated.
I was jumped into a gang as a young teen too. I have
lived in Fresno all my life. Anyways I am also a diabetic
type 1. I've been a diabetic since I was 1. When I started
gang banging my little brother also started.
I don't know why I'm barely realizing this year that
I set a bad example for him and my little sister. He is 15
and she is 7.
When you get into a gang no matter what anybody
says you can't get out because your enemies are still
going to try to get you or your own homies will. But I ain't
tripping because I know that this is a way of life. I've been
through a lot in my lifetime and I'm still so young but I do
have dreams.
If I don't get good before I'm 18, then I'm gonna try
my hardest to go to college. I'm gonna make my br'o and
sis' go too. I want to go to Berkeley or GeorgiaTec, or
somewhere in Washington. I'm gonna major for business
or culinary arts.
If I go into business. I'im gonna be a real estate agent.
Or I might be a fireman. Whatever I am I hope I make a
good living. I'm gonna try to leave Fresno when I'm 18
because if me and my family stay here we ain't gone get
into nothing but trouble.
-Maurice
From The Beat: There are people out there who've gotten out of gangs,
so if that's ever what you want, and we hope you do, find the people/
resources to help you make that choice. You've got great ambition!
J
Gmp Home
I had a good life in the group home I was in. I had one
brother named Justin. He was my only group home
brother. We went to the park, movies, and we even cooked
together. Man I tell you, he can cook.
One day when my brother was kicked out, all hell
broke loose. I was arguing with staff. I was always getting
kicked out of school. I always argued with the other
minors in the house.
-Mitchell
From The Beat: Sounds like you were devastated when Justin got kicked
out. Can you tell us more about him? What's one of the most funniest
memories you two had together?
\
Caged li Sileice
\
-
Silence how do you view silence.
Many view this as a state of peace as a feeling of escape.
Others wish for nothing but to escape silence.
Some turn to God, some turn to gangs but more often
than any is violence.
Violence ties people to this silence
Though many claim this or "bang" that really they just
want to be heard instead they are thrown aside once
more locked away and often forgotten
It isn't easy living with this feeling and it doesn't help
being locked away as a caged bird.
It promotes more negativity
Supports more violence
This life of lonesomeness this life "Caged in Silence".
-Jahe
From The Beat: What a powerful statement.. ..that the silence and
isolation of being locked up promotes negativity. Keep writing!
/Z
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Fake Report
I was the nicest one out of everyone. No one in my family,
but my older sister and my parents, treated me in a mean
way. I have never done anything wrong (illegal) in my life.
My oldest sister is the one that hates me out of everyone
in my family.
All of a sudden, my oldest sister made a fake report
on me. Now I'm locked up and I have to stay away from my
family. I was locked up for three months (going to be four
months). Ever since I was locked up, my parents been
visiting me. One time, my older sister wanted to see me.
The JJC didn't let her see me. After visiting hour's over, I
started crying 'cause I felt bad for her. I put this blame on
my oldest sister because she made up a fake report.
-Jose
From The Beat: How painful to be serving time for something you didn't
even do. While this really sucks, and you have every right to be mad at
your sister, we hope you can forgive and reconcile with her so nothing
like this ever happens again.
Hard lite
\
Well to start this page off I was just a young boy growing
up in Fresno. I never knew my mom.
I'm 16. I have a son and a daughter on the way. I'm
just a dad a trying to find a way to take care of my kids
and that's why I'm locked up trying to take of my kids. It
seems like every time I try to do something for my kids I
get locked up I'm just trying to give my kids the life I never
had. It's like I'm in and out of my son's life. Sometimes
I think if he knows what I be going through for him like
trying to come up on food for him and then the next thing
I know I'm locked up so like I said I'm not bad I'm just
locked up for trying to do right for my family. This is my
story.
-Abel
From The Beat: We hope you get a chance to spend more time with your
son and make up for these painful times away from him. If you stay in
his life, he will understand your story and forgive you for not being
there today.
My Mom
\
I was born in Fresno, CA.
I have lived here my whole life.
I get along with my mom very well.
I also have good contact with my mom.
I help her in a lot of ways,
for example I help her clean the house.
I also help her cut the grass.
I love helping my mom because it makes me feel good.
Also my mom feels good too when I help her.
My goals are to finish high school.
Then go to college for like two or three years.
Then get a full time job and from there help my mom out
because my mom means everything to me.
Right now that I am in Juvenile Hall, she comes and
visits me.
So that means she cares for me.
She buys me chips, soda, and candy.
Also my favorite sport is soccer.
I've liked soccer since I was 9 years old.
Also I was thinking of being a soccer player.
Also I have lived all my life with my mom so that's why I
really like my mom.
-Noe
From The Beat: Your mom rocks! Next time you see her, tell her we said
-
A Dream To Do Different
One day when I was chilling at my homies' house, he
was asking me if I wanted to blaze and I was like yeah.
So he pulled out the pipe, packed it, melted it down, and
started hitting it. When it was my turn, I hit it, and I was
like whoa!!
To tell you the truth that's when my life kind of
messed up. Not going to school, running the streets, and
getting into trouble. If I could go back I would. But until
then I'm just waiting. But once that day comes, I have a
dream of what I could of done different. I can't wait.
-Forward Thinker
From The Beat: Don't ever lose your dream to do different! Mistakes are
useful if we can learn from them. Be encouraged.
j r
My Past
My past is not all that "exciting," but it isn't all that
boring. My past somewhat got me here. But not all.
In my past recent years I got involved with the law
and the justice system because of a "man," yeah I know.
Why over a man? I don't know either. I felt I "loved" him
and got myself into trouble with the law and drugs. It got
to where I went from liking a man to using a little bit of
drugs, to "loving" the man to heavily using drugs.
I disappointed my family and not to mention I
disappointed myself.
Later on down the road I picked up a charge, got
probation, and realized that this man didn't love me, it
was then I found out the hard way and that this was no
man, he was a boy in a man's body.
I went 7 months sober and staying off drugs and
alcohol.
Then May of 2008 a memory hit me and I started using
and drinking, all in all I went to the hospital and then in
two days I came to the Fresno County Juvenile Justice
Campus with a new charge and violation of my probation.
And it really sucks because in my heart I know that I am
better than this and that I am capable of letting myself
forgive and forget the "past" and move on in life to achieve
my goals and be with my family and enjoy not being told
when to go to sleep, eat, shower, use the restroom.
I know if I get granted that one last chance to prove
to the "justice" system that I can stay out of trouble and
do as I'm told, and I'm willing and wanting to do that.
Anyways my goals are to get out of Fresno County JJC,
finish my schooling at my regular high school, get me
a job, enroll in "SIPI (southern international polytech
institute) in New Mexico, get an RN degree, return back
to Auberry, California (my home) and work in an elderly
convalescent home. My hopes are to get out of JJC and
better myself (fully) and help others in need of help.
My plans for my future are to be a registered nurse
and to get out of Fresno county JJC, and stay out. I will
achieve these by doing what I'm told, not getting into
trouble, and staying out of the "confinement" life style.
Thank you for letting me write my "thoughts" and
thank you sincerely for reading this, this is my dreams
and goals, the real me, my past, is not even half of me, it's
a drop.
-W
From The Beat: What a great vision for your life you have, and you've
got all the steps laid out which is impressive. Drug addiction is powerful,
so be sure to include in your great plan a way to keep that away from
you. It can ruin the lives of rich and poor, privileged and unprivileged
people. Addiction does not discriminate. As a nurse you will learn this.
Thanks for sharing all your dreams and ambition with The Beat. You are
truly inspiring.
A Letter to My Group Home
Dear Trinity of Sacramento,
I would like to thank you for all that you have done for
me trying to help me get another chance at life and go live
with Lisa. All of the chances that you all have given me I am
so grateful and I never really knew how much I had going for
me and I messed it up.
I must admit Trinity was like my second home and now
that I think of it I never knew how much I would miss Trinity
until I was gone its like my whole life was in Trinity's hands
and I let it all go.
My goals and plans for the future is one to do a program
and finish it. Two, to go home to Lisa and/or finish getting
adopted by her. Three, be able to have the life I never got
to have with Lisa and I have learned that actions do speak
louder than words and I am truly sorry to all of the staff that I
hurt because you cared so much to let me try to get adopted,
and Lisa I am sorry for messing up and I want to change.
I am ready to change and also thank you all for care about
me watching over me and not letting me down and thank you
Lisa for being there when I needed you the most. You really
do care, all of you really do care.
-Diamond
From The Beat: You are so brave to face your mistakes and apologize to
the people who love and support you. We hope you show this to them
and get a chance to apologize in person and start your life again when
you get out.
Hip Hop Speaks To Me
Love Story
I was born in Hanford, California but moved to Fresno
in 2004.
At first I didn't want to move because I didn't want
to leave my school and friends. But I got over it and now
I'm actually kind of glad I came to Fresno or I would have
never met the love of my life my love Brian.
It was a nice sunny day in June. I was posted outside
my house when my sister's boyfriend Daniel brought
along his brother Brian to our apartment complex. I
started blushing when they introduced us.
I fell in love at first sight. He looked so bomb I knew
he had to be mine. He was tall with a nice cut fade. We
started talking as friends for a couple weeks we had our
first kiss. I was all cheesy ever since.
One day he called me on the phone. We were chopping
it up for awhile and high out of the blue, he asked me out.
I had passionate feelings for him, I said yes.
A couple of months pass and our relationship was
going good. Until one day we started stumbling. We got
our relationship together and I was so happy. We spent
everyday together not a day passed by when we were not
together. We did everything together. He made me smile
everyday besides the days he made cry.
After a year passed one of our good friends Sandra
had passed away. And she was always giving me advice
on what I should do when people always tried to split us
apart, and things for me and Brian started falling apart.
I love him so much. He's the only one for me in my
life. I can't go on without him. He's been away for a couple
months. We still talk and are still together, but when he
gets back were going to work things out and share our
lives together. It's almost two years since we've been
together. He's the love of my life. We've had our ups and
downs together. We also did everything together. Our love
is so passionate and beautiful. Without him I don't know
what I would do. I love you Brian always.
-Jay
From The Beat: We hope the next phase of your love story with Brian is
drama free. Thanks for writing!
The reason why I like hip-hop music is because it makes
me feel good. It feels like the music is speaking about I'm
going through. It clears my mind and makes my day better
when it's bad. The music also is the style nowadays. I
like a lot of the artists too. A lot of the music seems like
songs I will write.
-Kameron
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing your love for hip-hop. Can you tell us
what you're going through and how the music relates to your situation
If I Wiuli Have Listened To Mj Pareits
I am going to talk about my life, how I ended up in
Juvenile Hall.
I'm only 17 years old. I was born in Lompoc near
Santa Maria. I lived in Lompoc ever since I was born on
August 19, 1990.
We moved to Fresno in 2000. I have three brothers
and four sisters. I am the youngest in my family.
I never thought in my life that I would be arrested
until it came to my moment. I feel regret for making the
mistakes that I did. My parents always told me not to go
out with friends to do bad things.
I understand that friends are cool to you, but once
they tell you to do this and do that, you're gonna have to
do it because you have no choice. Is it because you were
high you don't even know what you did, 'cause when you
get in trouble it's done? I ended up here because I stole
property.
My parents always told me, "Be with a friend who
cares about their future and education. Don't be with a
friend that doesn't want to go to school or doesn't care
about their education." If I would have listened to my
parents, I would not be in Juvenile Hall. I would be with
my family.
My advice is that if you hang out with people who are
into education, you'll soon get an idea from them. But
if you hang out with friends that are not into education,
you'll soon get ideas from them and become like them.
So it's ok to hang out with them, but not to choose the
wrong things. Take my advice 'cause it will help you.
-Chang
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes we don't
understand or care why parents say what they say until after the fact.
Its never too late to change, and we're glad you see that now.
First Time
-
I'm here to tell you a short story, ok, so listen, it's starts
like this: it was my first time locked up.
I was a young teen and I was put in the locked down
unit and some dude came up to me and asked me what
I mob so I told him and I guess we had funk so he just
swung at me but he missed so I punched him in the nose.
He fell and I started kicking him, and then that's when I
got introduced to the "slim which is mace". They called
a yard check. I didn't know what it meant so I just stood
there so I got mace that day.
I went to my room thinking I smashed that fool, I was
on H-S-C (High Security) for a few days and when I got off,
people were looking at me like I was crazy till that day
forward I stood with my head up but that was me always
usually thinking stupid. That's one of my stories, strong
love!!
-Jesse
From The Beat: The fights that happen in the units are one of the
toughest things about being locked up, because no one can relax. We
hope it never happens to you again!
Locked Up
Being locked up totally sucks. Everyone has done
something in their life that would have them locked up.
If you have been locked up though, then you know from
experience it's no place to be. It's not like being at home
where you can get up whenever you want, eat whatever
you want, and do basically whatever you want. Here, you
have to get up at a certain time eat at a certain and do
everything by a schedule. Sort of in a way it cool, because
it's programming you and getting your body set to do
things at a certain time.
Then again, it's not because you have the new girls
that come and we have to be reprogrammed all over again.
Then they start acting stupid and you get punished as a
unit or a pod. Then the times come when you wish you
had lots of home cooked food. You start to think of your
family. Even not getting mail sucks.
Also when you don't get visits and you see everyone
else leaves, it hurts. You know your family loves you but
why aren't they coming?
Finally when they do come, you're all happy. Lastly
going to court and having the judge tell you come back
in two weeks in the worst part. The best thing about that
though, you still get to see your family which lifts your
spirits some. So nevertheless being locked up isn't all
honkey dorey.
When you get released stay out of trouble, I know I
am, when I do, I'm going to be an angel, can't you see the
halo glowing now?
-Beverly
From The Beat: When you say you're going to be an angel.. ..what do
you mean? What specific things are you going to do differently so you
can stay free? Be realistic. Asking yourself to be perfect is like setting
yourself up to fail. We want to see you succeed,
and achievable goals.
so set some concrete
The System
I have been in the system since I was a young teenage. I
am 18 years old now.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about how my life
would have been different. I could have been in school,
playing sports, but now all I am doing is looking at the
walls of my cell. They keep closing in more and more
everyday. All it took was one time to get locked up.
I lost my mom at the age of two in a car accident and
I went into foster care.
I lost my dad last year on my birthday so if I had a
second chance to change, I would but I would not be the
person I am today if it was not through my struggles. The
officers in this place I grew to know and trust like my
family.
The person I give strength to is Mrs. Lyday because
she knew my father and the other staff in here help me a
lot.
If I never got in trouble I would have been there for my
dad's funeral. I would have been there to say 'I love you'
one more time but I was locked up so I do regret it. I keep
running in circles but they keep leading me right back up
in the same spot here in Juvi so one day I hope to stop
or break the cycle. All I can do now is take it one day at a
time.
-Justin
From The Beat: We're sorry to hear you missed your dads funeral, and
that you lost your mom at such a young age. Sometimes when things
like that happen, we cling to anyone who can be our family. We're glad
you've found friendship and trust in the officers at the hall. They will
support you in breaking that cycle, but in the end, you will have to
make the most effort. Don't give up. Thanks for sharing your inspiring
story.
X
Freedom For Me Is
Freedom for me is doing what I want to do. I'ma graffiti
artist. That's what I do and I love to be with my girl. I love
to do what I want and nobody can stop me. I kick it with
the homies and we put it down for the No! But now I'm
locked up. It seems like every time me and my girl are
ready to settle down I get locked up for the dumbest s**t.
I'm really tired of this I wish I could just straighten up so
me and my girlfriend can start our life with each other.
We want to have kids and get married I really love my
girl with all my heart. She is my world and I would not be
able to go on with life. My girl is the best thing that has
ever happened to me. She was helping me do good, but I
started to kick it with dumb a* * kids and I started to do
drugs again and started to steal. I really regret what I did.
All I have to say is I'm sorry! Dedicated to my girlfriend
Branti!
-Corey
From The Beat: Lucky you are to have love with someone. Don't rush too
much into having kids.. ..enjoy your youth and your free young love for
as long as possible!
-
My Life In Fresno County
For
\
Today I want to talk about my life when I'm growing up. I
want to start by saying that I was one smart kid when growing
up but when I hit thirteen I was jumped in a gang that was
raised on the rough side of town with both parents. I ended
up getting locked up most of my time.
To tell you the truth I do use a drug which is marijuana
and that's about it and growing up was so many trouble and
so many crime in the neighborhood where I live at which is
ghetto.
And now when I'm 17. I met a girl name Sasheen that
supports me most of the time and now she is my babymomma.
We are having a kid together. I love living my life with her.
She's my girl with respect. Right now I'm living like a gee
running my own hood and living with both parents still that
had me. Well I want my life to work out with me and my girl
Sasheen.
-Troy
From The Beat: If you were smart when you were 1 3 then that's still
inside you! Tap into those smarts you know you have and your life will
work out. We hope you love being a Dad.. ..it's the most wonderful joy in
the world, and a lot of hard work.
Hard Life For Me!
My vision of life is bad.
My dad got jumped by gang members
when he was on his way to work,
ever since that I've been tore up.
That's when I started growing up on the streets,
doing drugs, stealing, and then got caught by the cops,
spent well over two hundred days in Canyon County
Juvenile Hall in Caldwell, Idaho, but before that I was
abused for eight years
watched him abuse my mom and two little brothers too.
I've been crazy ever since.
I got into trouble up here in Cali(fornia) and I don't
know why I do stupid stuff
but it's survival of the fittest on the streets and I got
caught up
again in Cali(fornia) and I'm scared because I have three
strikes.
My max in custody is 25 to life.
-Josh
From The Beat: Are you crazy or just doing crazy stuff? Don't label
yourself negatively.... Own your future by envisioning and claiming all
the great things about you. They are in there, even if you are locked
up.
A Part Of My Life
In And Out of Juvenile
\
I'm going to start off when I was 11 years old.
I choose this time because it was one of the hardest
times of my life.
When I was young I didn't live with my parents.
I was in foster care at the time.
Here's a song about my life:
All this pain that I've been through
All this pain that I go through. Hey-hey
Everyday I go through pain
The days keeps changing but the struggles be the same
I don't know happiness all I know is the game
All I know is the gang. Some ninjas bang it for the fame
But I bang it for the change, 'cause a ninja ain't rich
And I gotta do my thing. I sell dope to pay the rent.
-Willie
From The Beat: Keep rhyming, art will set your soul free and keep you
strong! As for banging, if its for fame or change, it'll eventually cost you
the same, your freedom!!
Tiie Ii Stow My Live
\
I feel my mom thinks that I'm a thug. I know deep down she
knows I am a good kid. But I am not showing her by being
out in the streets all night with the homies or selling drugs.
And I keep saying that I love her but I am not showing her
because I stay in the streets and get locked up.
All this time could be spent with her. I am stressing her
out even though she won't say so, but I know. She is doing
all she can do for me but I keep messing up. Like she moved
us out of the hood and got me into a different school. She
always talks to me and encourages me to do my best. But it
is me that goes to the hood and sells drugs when my mom
had a job and got me whatever I want. But that is just how we
do it in Fresno.
Now it is time to stop by telling her I love her, and
showing and helping her out and being with her and not in
the street.
-Rb
From The Beat: You are blessed to have an amazing mother who cares
for you unconditionally no matter your circumstance. Sometimes you
make the mistakes you make, and then you come back to your senses
and realize what is important. Don't ever lose that love for your mother.
In the end, when everyone else has gone away she will still be there.
She is your ultimate best friend.
Don't
I've lived a very confusing live if I might say! I went to a
Catholic school. From there I started playing volleyball in
2nd grade and continued that for 11 V2 years. I've traveled
from Fresno to Merced to San Francisco, Sacramento,
Chico, and as far as Reno, Nevada. I went really far with
it. I played in the NCVA which is the (northern California
volleyball association). It costs about $2,000 to sign up
and for uniforms. At the end of the season there is a 7 day
tournament in Reno, Nevada, the most fun I've ever had
in my life. There are 10,000 girl between the ages of 12-18
it is the 2nd biggest sporting event in the world next to
the Olympics. It is the women's biggest sporting event in
the world.
Well anyways I ended up having a baby before I turned
18 and had to end my career. I just wanted to say if you
start something don't quit unless you have no choice, it
can impact your life forever.
-Aimee
From The Beat: What kind of advice would you give girls your age about
getting (or not getting) pregnant? You would never have quit if you
hadn't gotten pregnant, it sounds like. What do you recommend?
My life started on October 24, 1990 in Reedley. I ended up
stayin' in the small town of Dinuba.
When I was young growin' up there, before I used to get
in trouble and knew what used to go on in this town. I used to
live in the projects with my three brothers. Growing up was
pretty fun in Dinuba, discovering and learning new things.
Before I was into gangs. I used to see lots of gang violence
around me, and used to be amazed from it. As I got older
little by little I was getting involved in gangs and practically
was raised into it.
My first time locked up was in the Tulare County Juvenile
Detention. It was fun and I liked it because I met lots more
people from around the county. After that day I kept on going
back and forth to juvenile hall and meeting more and more
friends. I stopped caring if I went in for serious charges.
One day my parents got tired of me getting locked up
and we also got evicted from the project because of the gang
violence that kept happening at my house so they decided to
move to Visalia.
When I moved there I was kinda nervous because I didn't
know that many people there. Couple of months later I met
so many people in that town and liked it even more there. I
got myself in more trouble 'cause I started doin' more things
in there 'cause it was a bigger city!
Months passed and I started calming down. I was hella
known in Tulare County especially in Visalia and Dinuba. So
I got a job and started stayin out of trouble and sticking with
my family 'til one day I went to visit one of my girl's friends
and things went down.
Now I'm locked up for the first time in Fresno County for
serious charges and I like it in here too because you get to
meet more people the longer you are in. The day I get out I'm
gonna keep on doing good and stay out of trouble and focus
on life.
-Dinuba
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like you
like to meet new people. When you finally get out of juvenile, you
should consider joining a local youth group to meet people who are
making a positive difference in their community. When you surround
yourself with positive people, you'll feel and see the difference in your
life.
My Young Hard Life
-
My name is Naisha but people call me Nicole. I prefer
Nicole. I love doing all kind of stuff like sing, go to the
park, walk with friends at the mall, and going shopping.
I am going to tell you about my life and how I got in the
system.
I'm 17 years old and I was born in Fresno, Ca.
I have two kids. I have six brothers, no sister and I am
the youngest of them all.
I raised myself since I was 9 years old.
I got jumped in a gang when I was 10.
I was raped when I was 9 by my step uncle.
I was thrown out of cars and beaten at the age of 12.
I had my kids at 12 and a 1/2. That's when I realized
that it was time for me to grow up. I got my own place and
me and my baby daddy lived together and I lived through
hell when I was with him. I love him still.
I'm settling down now. I don't have time to play games
with my baby daddy anymore. I was tired of him beating
me so I left.
It's really is hard for a single mother to raise two kids.
This is my life story.
-Nicole
From The Beat: Nicole, you have lived through so much and have so
much responsibility on your plate for such a young woman. We hope
you find the positive love and support you need to be a good mom to
your kids and a good person to yourself. You don't deserve any more
pain or suffering, you've been though enough! Thank you for sharing.
.
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///////#/////,/// ////#///,//
El Vicio De Mi Madre
Hola yo quiero decirte lo que le paso a mi madre en el
pasado de su vida. Unos anos atras, mi mama le gustaba ir
mucho al casino hasta que un dia se adicto. Eso quiere decir
que siempre que iba al casino. Un dia ya ni teniamos dinero
para la renta, para los biles, la comida y hasta le quitaron su
carro porque no pudo terminar de pagarlo.
Despues de un tiempo, ella decidio que era mejor para
nosotros movernos de condado. Nos movimos a Kerman,
CA. Ahi ella conocio a unas personas Cristianas. Esas
personas nos envitaron a ir a la iglesia Cristiana para hablar
de la palabra de nuestro Senor Jesus Cristo. Desde entonces
seguimos illendo a la iglesia. La palabra de nuestro Senor
Jesus Cristo le ayudo muchisimo a ella. Ella dejo de ir al los
casinos hasta se bautizo Cristiana.
El Senor Jesus Cristo la salvo de ir tanto al casino.
Ahora ella se dedica a sus hijos, al trabajo e ir a la iglesia.
Gracias a nuestro Senor Jesus Cristo ahora vivimos felices
como antes.
From The Beat: Que bueno que tu madre encontro algo positivo en que
inclinarce. No creas que solo porque ella anda en buenos pasos, ella es
feliz. Tu eres la unica pieza que falta en la casa para tu fmailia estee
completa y feliz. Te recomendamos que sigas el mismo camino que llebas
para que puedas cambiar como lo hizo ella. Tu no perteneces en este
lugar.
The Bad Habit Of My Mother
Hi, I want to share with you what happened to my mother in
her past. A few years ago, my mom would love to go to the
casino a lot until she got addicted to it. That means that she
would go the casino very much. One day, we didn't even have
money for rent, for the bills, food, and they even repossessed
her car because she couldn't pay anymore.
After a while, she decided that the best for us was to
move to another county. We moved to Kerman C.A. There she
met Christians. Those people invited her to the church to
practice the Word of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ever since then,
she continued going to church. The Word of our Lord Jesus
Christ helped her a lot. She stopped going to the casino and
got baptized as a Christian.
Our Lord Jesus Christ saved her from going to the
casino. Now she dedicates her time to her kids, work and go
to church. Thanks to of our Lord Jesus Christ, now we live
happy life before.
-Adriana, Fresno
From The Beat: It's good that your mother found something positive
in what to lean on. Don't think just because she's on the right path,
she is happy. In order for your family to be happy and complete, you're
the only piece missing. We recommend you to fallow the same road
she's heading, so you can change like she did. You don't belong to this
place.
Rape
He goes in there and rips off all of her clothes
He tells her not to tell anyone
He forces his way on her
She feels the blood running down her leg
She lets out tears
They fall off her face like bullets
She tries to overcome this pain but she can't
She tells her mom but her mom don't believe her
Her tears never stop
Her pain never leaves
Her wrists never stop bleeding
She needs help but she's afraid to ask
-Lil' Angel, Land Of Enchantment
From The Beat: An incredible piece you deliver. No one should ever have
to go through something like this, most of all not a child. Lil Angel
please don't be afraid to ask for the help you so deserve, there are many
out there that are more then willing to help you in your time of need.
Please ask for the help.
Mi Ninez
Mi ninez fue arrebatado por violencia domestica. Mi
papa es adicto a las drogas. Casi todas las noches veia a
mis padres discutir y casi siempre mi padre le pegaba a
mi madre.
Cuando mi madre estaba embarazada de mi hermana,
mi papa le pegaba a mi madre. Yo corria y me escondia
debajo de mi cama y lloraba y lloraba desconsoladamente
sin saber que hacer.
Encontre consolacion en las calles, empece a fumar
mariguana para alejarme de lo que veia. Despues empece a
envolucrarme a la vida loca en pandilla. Sin remordimiento
alguno robe, y cometi muchas actos de delincuencia.
Ahora estoy bajo rejas riyendome. Ahora me pregunto,
^Quiero esto para mis hijos o mi hermana?
From The Beat: Sentimos mucho que hayas pasado por tantas cosas
negativa en tu vida desde muy pequeno. Haber visto eso de pequena
edad ha de haber sido muy doloroso. Ahora tienes que ver por tu vida y
alejarte de las cosas malas antes que llegues a repetir la misma historia.
Tu madre y tu hermana te necesitan a su lado. No les quietes el derecho
de darle el apoyo que ellos necesitan. No tienes que repetir el pasado.
Se el hombre que falto en tu hogar. Para la proxima vez que tu padre
le pegue a tu madre, reportalo con la policia. Nadie tiene el derecho de
pegarle a otra persona especialmente a una mujer embarasada.
My Childhood
My childhood was snatched away because of domestic
violence. My dad is a drug addict. I would experience my
parent's arguments every night, and most of the time, my
dad would hit my mother.
When my mom was pregnant of my sister, my dad
would hit her. I would run away and hide underneath
the bed to cry, and I would cry without consolation and
without knowing what to do.
I found consolation in the streets, I started to smoke
weed to get away from the things I was witnessing. Later,
I got involved into the world of gangs. Without mercy, I
stole and committed a lot of delinquent actions.
Now I'm laughing behind bars. Now I ask myself: Is
this what I want for my sister or future kids?
-Luis Santa Clara
From The Beat: We are sorry that you had to experience so many
negative things in your life since very young age. It must have been
hard for you to see this being very young. Now you have to live your
life, and avoid bad things that can make you repeat the same story. Your
mother and sister need you by their side. Don't take away the support
they need from you. You don't have to repeat the past. Be the man that
was needed in your home. For the next time your dad hit your mother,
report it to the police. Nobody has the right to hit another person,
special a pregnant woman.
When I Get Out
When I get out, I'm gonna be a better man
Stop hangin' in the streets and make a better plan
When I get out, I'm gonna go to school daily
I'm gonna go to church, so I can have god save me
When I get out, I'm gonna watch what I do
Only kick it wit' my family, 'cause these dudes ain't coo'
When I get out, I'm gonna put the gun down
I'm gonna come in the house before the sun down
When I get out, I'm gonna respect my momma's rules
'Cause I'm tired of this life, 'cause jail aint coo'
When I get out, I'm gonna post at the house
I can't prove it now but I'm gonna prove it when I'm out.
-Lil' Fred, Alameda
From The Beat: Right on man, this is a great piece, plus you read/sang
it to the group!! Awesome. It's got a great rhythm and heart. We hope
you can stick to your plan and keep yourself out of the hall once you
get your chance. We also hope some of you other readers listen to the
message of this piece.
/EZ=2
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My Life
What's poppin' with the Beat? This the skip dude returnin'
to The Beat for my topic this week. My days in here is windin'
down, so Fma let you people that think I'm just a incarcerated
statistic know about me.
I was born in the fall of 1990 to a middle class family
in the Bayview District. During my beginning, I lived with a
loving, caring and intelligent grandmother who ran her own
safe haven. After a while, my mother came back into the
picture. I stayed with her and my father on and off until I was
into my teens.
Due to the neighborhood I was in, I started claiming the
'jects and got mixed p with some people, which led me to
getting shot in the leg. After that, I started to feel invincible.
I started to disobey my mother, and with much regret
now, I ran away from home. I went to a foster home with a
Muni bus driver and stayed with him fo' about a month. Then
I got hot feet and left.
After about five group homes and foster homes, I began
a dual placement with my dad and grandmother, and I
welcomed another baby sister to the world. Everything was
going so well until about December 10th, 2004.
I went to my grandmother's, and she was very sick,
and she insisted she was okay. But I was worried, so I kept
saying she needed the hospital. So me and my visiting auntie
took her. I visited her daily. Sometimes she was woke and
sometimes asleep.
On my baby sister's birthday on Dec. 27th, we went to
visit her again and we saw her. The next day my dad gave me
the news. My grandmother died of pneumonia at the age of 51
on December 28th.
After that, I developed a mental issue and started running
away more. I ended permanently in group homes. On about
April 23rd, 2006, I was arrested for my first time for robbery.
And since then, I've been in and out about six times.
While still in the foster system, I was adopted by a great
friend's mother and stayed about a year. Then I was locked
up again and forced back into a group home. I kept running,
so it led me to being here this time.
As of now, I want to get out, get my GED. And, in the
meantime, I am waiting for this group home.
-Lil' Skippa, San Francisco
From The Beat: There is much we could say about this wonderfully
written story of your life. First, nobody who has read Lil' Skippa in
these pages would ever think of you as "just a incarcerated statistic."
And even if they'd never read you before, this piece by itself establishes
you as a deep thinker who knows how to write and to express his
thoughts. Those are great skills that can take you far from here — if
you use them to your advantage. To us, the real tragedy is just how
much potential you clearly have to accomplish pretty much any goal you
set for yourself, while you continue to sabotage yourself by running,
robbing, and doing whatever else you've done to rob yourself of your
freedom! So many people are not blessed with the gifts you have of
intelligence and insight, so don't throw those gifts away!
Let It Drift Away
Sitting here, people asking me to rhyme
I'm up in juvenile hall with plenty of time
So I bring it from the heart, and it's all mine
These brick walls suffocate me every night
People try to instigate, try to get me to fight
Try to hurt my feelings 'cause they think it's tight
But I'm gonna let it drift away like a broken kite
And try to keep my feelings like it's all right
-Dustin, San Francisco
From The Beat: We admire the message you're trying to give here, and
even more, we applaud you for trying not to let others provoke you
into negative actions. Every time you walk away instead of fight, you
prove that you are more responsible, more mature, more courageous and
stronger than whoever is provoking you. We know how hard it is not to
react, so we give you props!
My Music
What up, Beat? This is Outlaw about to talk about my
music. Well, personally, I like all types of music — Rap,
country, R&B, Rock, Soul — mostly anything I can relate
to or I like how it's put together. Me, I actually grew up
with the music my moms listens to. She listens to lots of
Mexican music and oldies. So most of the time I'm home,
I just chill with my mom and slump.
My mom listens to some of the stuff I listen to, but
I don't be putting no "Brotha Lynch" or someone that's
going to make her be like, "What the hell!"
In juvie is where it's all types of music. Like Mr.
Parsons listens to lots of country. At first I was like,
"What the hell?" But after I listened and I noticed it had
a meaning. Well, most songs do. But I'm really open to
listen to all types of music. Music changes my mood. It
can make me sad, angry, mad, happy. It pumps me up.
It also puts me at peace, and I can think clearly. To me,
music is a tool I use for many things.
Well, Beat, I'm out. Much love. I'ma be here standing
tall like a palm tree!
-Outlaw, Santa Clara
From The Beat: We really like this piece because it speaks to the very
nature of music itself. More than 300 years ago, the British poet, William
Congreve, wrote in his poem, 'The Mourning Bride," that "Music has
Charms to sooth a savage Breast,/ To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted
Oak." We're not sure it can do all that, but it can definitely pacify us, put
us in a better mood. We notice you didn't mention classical music like
symphonies. Do you ever listen to that kind of music?
Bloodshot Eyes
Love is crushed, killed by my sadness
Kindness is hiding and ducking from my madness
I got bloodshot eyes, but is it 'cause of my cries
Or is it 'cause of this drank and weed that got me so
high
Or is it 'cause I'm irritated that I'm incarcerated
I'm turning into stone, my emotions are being faded
Or let me rephrase it: I want to replace it
Go into the memories in my red eyes and erase it
Man, let's face it, there's no rose growing from a hard
ground
'Cause when it pores, it rains all around
Man, listen to this sound
My heart is still beating, but there's a barbed wired
around it
Ain't leaving — madness, sadness have me defeated,
somewhat like I need it
I got used to it 'cause my bloodshot eyes already seen it
I'm sick of it, so give me a vaccine
There's no cure for my bloodshot eyes, not even Visene
I'm crying a river, better yet, a sea
I can't see, these tears are blinding me
Am I losing it 'cause nobody is finding me
Or is it 'cause of lies that's causing these red eyes
Or is it 'cause madness and sadness can't leave my side
Or is it just in me? Cries got my eyes bluffing
My eyes are bloodshot, 'cause of this blunt I'm puffing
-Giggles, San Francisco
From The Beat: We don't think all those tears and red eyes are "just
in you." They are the product of a hard life that has handed you few
choices. But, at the same time, within those few choices, some lead to
better results than others. You have made a decision to be part of a
group that has an agenda that will always leave you crying, one way
or another. We know you believe in this group, but there's no way to
carry out the group's agenda without sacrificing your own personality
and future in the process. Puffing on those blunts only blunts Giggles'
reality, only provides you a temporary giggle. When the effects wear
off, you're facing the same difficult choices. If you follow those choices
(in your mind) to their logical conclusions, you'll see that some have
happier endings than others.
/EZ=2
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All About Me
My life seems full of puzzle pieces
Puzzle pieces that are not complete
Which leads to my own journey for me
Which I will make good or bad
My life to me, ain't the best
Since I been through so much, it's like I can write a
book or diary
My life, to me, I wish would be better
Also I wish I could know my future
Only though God knows that
And I'm the only one who can make my life better
My dreams
Sometimes I just wake up and wonder about them
And wonder why I had the dream I had
Sometimes dreams can be deja vu
I dream of me getting out of the group home system
When I'm eighteen
Traveling from place to place
Going to model auditions, stacking money
Also having a good job.
I might go to college
If I do, I will either take up veterinarian, nursing, or
computer technology
That's my plan
Also to not have a kid until I'm married
So things I know will work out, and I might have some
kids
If I don't have kids, I will have animals instead of kids
Like a bird, dog, fish, and cat.
When I think right now in these white walls of the cell I
be in
I'm thinking about my life in a positive way
When I get out, staying to myself
Like my family say, you never have friends
I will do my hours of community service
Get a job, save money, go to ILSP and do good in school
So that is my plan until I am eighteen
Man, I can't wait till that day
All I can do now is sit and wait till my release day
-Karmeisha, Alameda
From The Beat: It is truly exhilerating to hear the plans of an articulate
and ambitious young woman like you. With your dreams, your sense
of confidence in yourself, and your sense of hope, you can accomplish
anything you want to.
Live! We Did Not Pick the World
Us kids from East and West Oakland, we have it hard. I
feel that all we can do is live because we did not pick the
world.
God did and all we can do is live when people shoot.
Its life, that's what they do; its become natural. Now in
days that's all they do.
And all us non-violent kids can do is live, try not to
get killed because every time we walk down the street it's
people shooting. It's very hard living on these streets.
To me the streets is my home but at the same time...
it's hell and living is all we can do to stay alive.
I love y'all, all my ninjas that died trying to live. Yeah
I know it's hard but I'ma keep on pushing. RIP Whoday,
Ant, and Bruce.
-Baby Whoday, Alameda
From The Beat: You're right, a non-violent person can get hit by the
troubles too. But the thing is - if you have the personal courage to go
against the tide, you can hook up with any of the Oakland organizations
that are trying to help: Like the Ella Baker center. Youth Alive, Youth
Uprising, The Mentoring Center. They are all there to help a "non-violent"
type try to make it out of the struggle.
This Is My Life
What's good with this Beat thang? By the time this hit the
actual Beat, I'm pro'ly gone be gone. But just in case, I wanted
to share a lil* 'bout my life, and I ain't gonna glorify shhh. I'm
just keepin' it real.
But check this out, I spent my first five years of life in
the Fillmo'e area, then moved to the outskirts of the Point
'til, like, I was a teenager. The only time I got in trouble was
at school, 'cause I had a fight almost every day, got hella
citations, and all the shhh.
When I was young, it was hella confusing 'cause one
ninja was claimin' to be my dad, and the other ninja name
was on my birth certificate. But the ninja that was claimin' to
be my dad really was. But I neva liked the ninja, and the other
ninja is my sister's dad. I'm cool with that ninja. Shhh, he do
more than my real dad.
The ninja never bought me shhh. I really lost all respect
for the ninja when he gave me some hand-me-down-ass
Girbaud's, the old ones without the strap. I really hate talkin'
to that ninja.
I remember when I was young, he asked me what I wanted
fo' my birthday. I said a remote control car, and he ain't give
the dunny shhh, for real. That's probably why I steal cars
now 'cause he didn't give me one. My sister's dad ready to
give me a car. All I gotta do is touch L's. My mom knew who
my dad was, but I've always been a independent type of ninja,
so instead of askin', I picked myself.
I started getting' locked up when I moved. Me and my
dunnies didn't have shhh else to do, so we started ridin'
bikes around and just started random fights to see if we can
knock 'em out. I got the hang of it quick. Then I got into
smokin'. So, instead of just knockin' out, we robbed 'em fo'
money.
Then I met my ninja Keezy, and we had a lil' Land Rover.
I taught myself how to drive, but then that got towed. But I
liked drivin', so that led to something else, and I caught my
first case in my first teen year. But they let me out so fast, I
didn't think nothin' of it. So I kept doin' it.
Got away more than I got caught, but off the story, that's
why ninjas keep comin' back. That lil'-ass slap on the wrist
didn't faze me.
But now I'm 17, damn near 18, and now I gotta 707 case.
But it's over more than just a car. Shhh, I'm livin' reckless as
hell, and keep hittin' dead ends. And, fo' real, I hate my life...
but I love it the same.
Money on my mind, and I'm tied to the game... Love my
momma to death, but can't seem to obey. It seem like fo'
every 'hood, this the role we play.
Ninjas live by the code, but we die by the steel. That's
just a lil' shhh in said in my rap, an' it's on CD, so get at
yo' young dunny. That the end of that chapter. I'm out. Stay
down.
-Young Dunny, San Francisco
From The Beat: We appreciate this very complete history of your life.
You were dealt a difficult hand to begin with, but you haven't made it
any easier now that you're making your own choices. Hating but also
loving your life is a clue that you should be about changing your life.
We say that because we have lived long enough to know that the part
you hate will take over the part that you love, unless changes are made.
Dying "by the steel" is only one terrible possible consequence. You
could end up locked up forever. You could end up crippled by a bullet
and dependent on others to feed you and wipe your bottom! Think
carefully about the choices ahead of you so that you don't have to spend
a lifetime of "If only..."
When I was young, it was hella con-
fusing 'cause one ninja was claimin'
to be nttf dad, and the other ninja
name was on mif birth certificate,
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I'm Tired, Foo'!
I'm hella tired. Dang, we been playing some hardcore
dodge ball in our unit, trust that shhh hurts, man.
I got some exciting news... I'm starting school at De
Anza... June 30th. I'm hella excited. I never knew I would
be at this point in my life.
Tough game out there, why so? Well during a three-
year span I've been kicked out of nine different schools.
Wholly shhh, that's a whole lot. But I didn't let that bring
me down. I worked hard to get where I'm at.
I'm getting my GED soon. I still need two more tests
to pass. I'm heading in the right direction. God gave me
reason, and I'm here today to prove myself I can achieve
everything that I put my mind to. Anyways, I'm on my way
home soon. I've been here hella long but it showed me a
lot.
No doubt, I've learned a lot in here. The counselors
are great. They do a lot to brighten someone's day, as
Smith said, "I love you all the same, but I hate you all the
same." Its tough being anywhere you are. We all have to
learn, as on a daily basis, that everything given to you is
for a reason, either you earned it or you worked your ass
off for that piece of candy. Nothing should be given to you
with open hands.
Life ain't about receiving - it's about giving to others.
Either it's your knowledge or a helping hand. Something
precious tatted on me for life is my Bible verse "The Lord
is my helper, I will not fear, what can man do to me."
Hebrews 13:6. This Bible verse gave me strength to get
through everyday. Think about it - me, yourself, and I is
all I got in the end. No one else. Stay up Beat.
-Vicious, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Wow, usually when a piece starts out talking about
dodgeball, we don't expect much from it, but you took it deep. There
are some serious lessons in here. Very nice.
My Autobiography "Somewhat"
Well my name is Christine, my family calls me Christy.
I was born and raised in Albuquerque New Mexico.
I have a great personality and I love to have a good
time.
I have had a hard life in the past, I have seen some
jacked up stuff.
My dad was hooked on crack for a very long time, he
finally went to jail. He got stable and I thought that he
was going to be a different person, but he became more
of an ass.
My mom she is a real good person even though she
has a record, she can support her family 100%.
I have two brothers; my brothers and I are really
close.
Well I started smoking weed at the age of twelve, and I
regret smoking because that's when I got into the hood.
I started getting into trouble with the law, and I went
on the run at the age of fourteen. I got hooked on cocaine
and started drinking.
I promise all of you who think you're hard and bang
with the hood, if you haven't got locked up yet you're
bound to get caught up. When you do you won't think
you're so hard. If you think its fun to take lives, it's not
because someday you will get your life taken, I promise
you, so stop banging in the hood and doing those drugs
because they lead to trouble!
We'll that's all for now peace out keep your heads up.
Late.
-Christine, Land Of Enchantment
From The Beat: Words of wisdom, most if not all who live by the drugs
and violence find one of two out comes, prison or death. Change now
so neither happen to you.
Hope
I have always made my life harder than it needs to be.
My dad walked out on me when I was young and is rarely
in my life. My mom is the only one who has ever always
been there for me no matter what is going on in either of
our lives, yet I still don't treat her the way I should. When
my parents got divorced, I was seven, and my mom left my
dad because he was an alcoholic. I was young at the time,
and thought it was my fault. From then on my behavior
just got worse.
But recently, like in the last couple months, I've been
struggling despite what anybody does to help. Whenever
I start to get back on track, I get scared because I'm
unsure of what will happen, so I end up going back to my
old ways. I used to always just slide by without getting
in trouble, especially because I was getting straight A's.
But in September when I was on the run, I was raped by
my best friend's boyfriend's friend. After that, my grades
started falling, my drinking became a huge problem,
I was more irritable and violent at home and school. I
just started getting into too much that I couldn't dealt
with which is one reason I'm here. I never told anybody,
even my mom, until I was in here this time just because I
figured it didn't matter. However, it seems that the more
I let go and am real with, like to my mom, everything
seems so much easier to deal with. So when I get out, I'm
hoping for only improvement; like going back to school,
fixing my relationship with my mom and everything.
I realize there is hope, and I no longer care what
everyone says or thinks about me, because my actions
around them only gets me up in here, and this is the one
place I do not need to be.
-Kailey, Alameda
From The Beat: Thanks so much Kailey for sharing your story with The
Beat. Sometimes opening up about something really painful is so hard,
but a lot of times its just what we need to get rid of that pain. We hope
your relationship with your mom continues to grow, and that it helps
you to stay out of the hall!
Wise Up
What's poppin' with The Beat? This the Skippa ninja
comin' live and direct out that unit, you dig. I'm 'bout
to be outta here soon, know what I'm talkin' 'bout? It
just messes with my cranium to know that somebody,
possibly one of my homies, gon take my spot.
This ain't the spot, you heard me. It's going to be a lot
of ninjas that's goin' to test yo' patience up in here. And
it ain't just goin' to be detainees. It could be counselors
(who don't seem to do no counseling), teachers (who
don't teach), etc.
My point is do what you got to do on the outs because
all that hot-ass shhh ain't nothin' but a one-way ticket
to YGC (You Got Caught). Them white people wanna see
you fail. That's why they made this place. That's right, it's
man-made. The Lord didn't want this for us, so he didn't
make them. (Now, I ain't no racist, so excuse that "white
people" line, but they seem to be in the higher power.)
-Lil' Skippa, San Francisco
From The Beat: As long as you know that not all white people want
you to fail (and not all black people want you to succeed), then you
have no need to apologize. (But, sadly, its still true that racism affects
who we are and how we live.) You're so right — this place is of human
design, just as the so-called game is of human design. We know God
did not design the world for teenagers to be shooting at each other
and dying before their parents! So, we look to you for leadership. (Yes,
we're serious). You're blessed with some natural gifts from birth, but
you are also maturing, and letting your own experiences broaden your
mind and your understanding of the world. We need you out in it. So,
when you get yourself out of here, keep yourself out of here! We'd like
to see you in college!
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Be Someone In Life
What's up with The Beat? It your boy Grimy. But what I
got to say is that I want to be someone in life. I don't want
everybody talking shhh saying I ain't never going to make
it in life.
In my 16 years of age, I was always told that I will
never make it to see 18 if I do the same things that I am
doing. I wanna make my mom proud. I do wanna show her
that I'm not just a person that has bad negative stuff in
my head, like committing crimes, like I was never taught
well.
In my house, I was taught to do good. I wanna go to
college. I wanna make money the right way. I want to be my
little man role model. I don't want my kids to ever follow
my footsteps 'cause I didn't follow my dad's footsteps.
Yeah, I gang bang, but it doesn't mean my kids are,
because thy are going to be ten times better than me. All I
got to do is be there for them and show them what's right
and what's wrong. But first, I'ma have to become a leader
and step forward and be someone in life before I get taken
out the game.
Until next time. Late.
-Grimy, San Francisco
From The Beat: You continue to impress us with your hopes and plans
for the future. You've got your priorities right — get control of your life,
stop banging, do the things you know you have to do to make your
mom (and yourself) proud, and you will be that role model you want
to be.
My Autobiography
Today I want to write about my life and about me growing
up. I grew up in Santa Cruz.
As a little kid I would always hang out with my cousins
and people from the neighborhood. We always would get
together and play football or soccer at the park. I always
saw writings on the walls.
My brother, older cousins and even some uncles
always hung out at the beaches but I never really paid
attention to them. My mom would always tell me, "They
are up to no good". Through elementary school I was a
good kid- well, most of the time.
My uncle used to babysit me because my mom and
dad worked 7 days a week.
I remember one day my uncle never came to pick me
up. I was waiting for what seemed like forever until I
saw my mom pulling up. She was crying and told me that
my uncle Marcos had died in a car crash. I just couldn't
believe it. After that everything seemed different.
In middle school every one hated on me because of
the neighborhood I was raised in. Every day a bunch of
people would try to jump me after school. So I would get
into a lot of fights.
I started hanging out with a lot of my uncle's friends.
Most of the people I grew up with are now in prison. Now
they are trying to send me to prison. Police try to say
that I am a gang member because I hang out with my
cousins and people from a neighborhood in the city, but
my parents are trying to get me out. Hopefully I will get
out sooner than later.
-Sinner, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: We know your neighborhood, and it bugs us that people
so misunderstand it. Mostly, its filled with good people like you mom
and dad, hardworking people trying to make ends meet. We're very
sorry about your uncle, and we're even more concerned about you.
We're still open to that weekly project we talked about. Last we knew,
you were still wondering where dreams come from. What's the next big
question? We're ready.
Monkey's Life
I guess my autobiography should start with how my Mom
came up with my name Savannah. She told me that her
mother, my nana, had a poster in their bathroom. It had the
name on it - it was some kind of city. As I got older my mom
always said I was always getting in trouble, doing things I
wasn't supposed to, acting like a boy, dressing like one and
hanging out with them. I never really got why I did that. I
didn't grow up with boys.
My father was never around and my mom is gay so
she doesn't have boyfriends, but girlfriends. I did end up
stopping dressing like a boy, not because my Mom made me
but because I fell in love and I wanted him to see me as a girl
not as one of the boys.
After a while, I found out that he always liked me. We
went out for four years. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss,
and first love, but it had to end. Not because we fell out of
love, but because my Mom was moving us to Morgan Hill. I
never saw him again, we would write, but it was never the
same so I stopped writing even though he kept sending me
letters.
When we moved, I felt like my life was over. I never
listened to my Mom, I never was home. But let me tell you
that even though I was never home -- 1 wasn't doing anything
bad. I never, wait don't say never, I haven't ever drunk,
smoked, or done drugs! I just lost the thing between me and
my Mom.
I was alone for a while but when I turned twelve someone
came into my life who helped me through it and even helped
me get in better with my Mom. His name was Daniel. There
are a lot of things I would say about him, but all I'm going to
say is that he is the angel God sent to help me. I'm fourteen
now and in here. It's killing my Mom and family. I'm in here
for a fight I got into about my mom. The girl told them I did
things I didn't do. It's May 22 and my court is not till June
12. Then I'll see where my life goes. Late!
-Monkey, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Monkey, as usual, this is a really thoughtful and honest
piece. You have a real knack for expressing yourself through writing. It
is interesting the way each person develops and changes, how we can
go from being a tomboy to being a girly girl with just one smile from a
special someone. Thanks for sharing your story.
No Need For Violence
What up, Beat?
In today's society violence has become the main
ingredient to power because people feel that being feared
is having power. They tend to cause a lot of harm to
others so that others can show much fear towards them.
I think history shows that you can be powerful without
violence.
For example, civil rights leaders Dr. Martin Luther
King Jr. and Cesar Chavez were great leaders who made a
great difference in our country without using violence. As
for patience, these leaders and Malcolm X, who died from
violence, must have had a great deal of patience with all
the violent activity that acted against them. But in the end
these great civil rights leaders had a way more powerful
impact in history which has changed how we live today as
opposed to what violence has tried to change.
So think about it. Those who use violence aren't really
remembered but most that haven't are more likely to be
heroes and/or heroines.
-Richard, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a thoughtful, powerful piece. You speak truth. If
you know that violence is not the solution then you are farther ahead
than the majority of the people in the world. Just look at the leaders of
this country! We completely agree that non-violent change is the most
potent and most impactful. On a lower level, how would you discourage
your peers not to use violence to solve problems? Is it too ingrained in
gang culture already to be changed?
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A Little About Me
My name is Genevieve. I first grew up with my mother
and older brother. I was in Modesto, always a good kid,
good in school, and good at home.
You know, as a little kid I got into a little trouble here
and there, but what child doesn't.
My mother was not good to us, no food, the beatings,
the men. We didn't even have to go to school but it was
better then being in that house.
Around the age of 7 my grandparents got custody of
us. We moved to Sunnyvale. It was the best thing that
could have happened to us. They showed us unconditional
love.
I was a genius in school until around 6th grade,
second in the 7th . Then that's when probation happened,
and the drugs. So with that stuff, home got worse because
of my behavior. But like a dumbass kid I didn't care what
I was doing, back then. Got expelled from 8th grade. Went
back with my friends for 9th, which wasn't a good thing.
Got expelled from high school my 2nd week. Still didn't
care. Started acting worse. All together stopped going
to school. Kept getting locked up for smoking too much
over these past 5 years. Still, living with grams wasn't
doing nothing.
Now I'm back here for smoking, doing some months,
with a month and a half to go. I'm down a lot better with
my life. Making grams happy for once, since elementary
school. I got my GED in here, finally finished with school.
That never would have happened if I wasn't here. That's
why I feel as if my time here was something good that
happened.
Like they say - everything happens for a reason. I also
found a good little job in here, at J C Pennys. That's what's
up. I know I'm gonna be okay when I get out. What can't
kill you can only make you stronger, right? I'm gonna
start out new when I get out, in July. It's a new start. I'm
18 now, and I'm ready to live right.
If I were to write another one of these in a few years
from now, I think it would have more achievements then
regrets. This is me. I'm ghost Beat. Late!
-Genevieve, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Good story, G. And we'd love to hear from you when you
get to the outs. But you don't have to wait two years. You can reach us
online. Please do.
Time
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tock, tock, tock, tock BOOM!
Waiting, tick, tick, three hours later I'm still waiting, damn.
Sep. 26. 08 is coming tick, tock, damn it's still not here.
Wanting to be free to do me tock, tock,
I've got nothing but time to think about me, what I'm gon' do?
How much fun I'm gonna have at home?
Who I'm gon' hang wit'? How many outfits?
"Time" to realize life is not a game but I'm still livin' so I
shouldn't complain.
Time to change my life, get a job, stop tryin' to rob, steal,
etc...
tick, tick, tock, tock, I feel like time has stopped.
My life is on hold for four months straight,
time to get myself together,
time to try new thangs and do me.
Nothing but goddamn time...
Tick, tick, tick, tock, tock, tock
BOOM!!!!
-The Biggest Boss, Alameda
From The Beat: This is a really creative piece about passing your time
in the hall. It helps people on the outside get a feeling for what it's like
to have so much time where nothing seems to be happening. But the
truth is, your life is not on hold while you're inside. This is a great time
to think, to make a plan that you know you can stick to once you do get
out to stay out. Can you find a way to be productive for you?
My Short Autobiography
I was born on May 22, 1992 in San Jose, California, but
raised in Morgan Hill, CA.
As a child, I loved to be with my older sisters, Lily and
Vanessa who would teach me right from wrong and cared for
me as I cared for them.
Later on, my mother gave birth to my little brother who
brought more joy into our home!
As I was growing up, I loved school but as I grew older, I
became stubborn and disliked school.
It began in middle school. I went to Britton Middle
School, that's when I started misbehaving mostly in 8th
grade. My grades dropped and I had absences, lots of them,
mostly because of my friends. Now I regret that.
In High School, I attended Live Oak High School, which
I am enrolled in still. I really messed up in ninth grade like
I did in 8th, and in 10th grade which I am in, I started on
a bumpy road I kept trying to do good, but it was my bad
decisions that kept me from doing good.
Mostly my friends, the people I hung out with, were to
blame.
Now I realize family should have been the first thing that
I should have thought of. I was selfish. I went to Mexico in
this past April.
To be honest, it was a reality check. Because in Mexico,
there are kids who would like to go to school, but can't
because they have to work for their families as soon as they
learn how to walk.
It hurt me because here I am being ignorant, when kids
wish they can go to school and get an education.
When I came back, I changed a couple things which I am
proud of . But one night, I don't know what came over me, but
I stole a wallet. And here I am in juvi. That is the last dumb
thing I will ever do.
I am happy I am here because it changed me more. I found
the Lord which was with me this whole time, but I found him
in a special way.
It hurt me because I had to spend my birthday here and
I am going to miss my dad's birthday also. It hurts.
I miss my family and friends (some of them who I know
are truly friends). But most of all, my family.
When I get out I'm going to show my family how much
I've improved and found myself. I plan to go to Job Corps and
would like to work with children, or the probation department
to show people there is time for change and it's never too
late, especially with the Lord beside you.
I would like to write more if I could write a book to
encourage kids like myself to obey your family and they will
always stand by you through thick and thin. And the Lord
will guide you with faith and give you peace, joy, and love.
I can't wait till I get out and start my new life. Because it
is never too late for change. Change is good.
My sisters are proud of me, also the most important
woman in my life, my Mother. And I want to do this because
of my little brother. I want him to do good in life and school
and make better decisions in life and not to go through the
things I did. Which I know God will guide him through life.
-Young Sister, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a great piece and I'm sorry there is no name
attached because you have great advice and your dream of writing
a book to show other young people how they can change is very
attainable. Just keep writing!
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Mi Historia Desde Joven
Mi historia empieza cuando yo era muy joven. Naci en la
ciudad de Mexico. A esa edad en la ciudad de Mexico, tienes
que depender de ti. Cuando tu padre se va desde los 5 afio
de edad, tienes dos hermanas chicas, y tu madre trabajaba
las 24 horas a los dias, ese es mi caso.
A temprana edad me relacione con las gangas. Todos en
mi barrio, teniamos la ilusion de ser gangero. Habia todo
como chicas, drogas, sexo. Al principio todo estaba bien,
pero cuando empezaron con las droga, todo se vino abajo.
Unos de mis homies fueron balasiados y otros barrios me
buscaban por mi vida loca.
A los 15 afios llegue a este pais, no conocia nada de
nada. Cuando me apuntaron a la high school, todo empezo
a ser lo mismo. Esta vez fue diferente. Eran carros robados,
drogas, sexo, pedos con otras pandillas. Yo me quise salir
de eso pero ya era muy tarde. Todo esto me quedo en la
mente. Me aleje de las drogas y el sexo, pero robar fue lo
que se me quedo en la mente.
Hace un afio, me agarraron en un carro robado alia por
Gilroy con un homie. Me trajeron al condado de San Jose.
Mi caso se llebo casi un afio.
Al tiempo conoci a la persona mas hermosoa del
mundo, mi jaina. Tengo un afio con ella. Ella me ayudo a
salir de todos mis problemas. Me lebanto el auto-estima. Ha
estado conmigo en todos mis momentos tristes. Gracias a
ella estoy saliendo adelante. Su nombre es Betty. ^Bonito
nombre ha?
Falle a una corte y por eso estoy aqui. Pero no me
importa porque esto es obstaculo que me puso la vida y lo
voy a superar.
Estoy orgulloso de ser Latino. Gracias al Beat Witin
por escucharme. Saludos a todos los homies de diferentes
condado. Saludo al amor de mi vida, Betty.
From The Beat: Se nota que tu vida ha sido muy dificil de temprana
edad. Lo bueno es que has podido cambiar y ese cambio se lo debes a esa
muchacha. Tienes que cumplir con tus cortes y todo lo que el sistema te
pida hacer para poder ser una persona libre. Lo bueno es que ya vas por
el buen camino. Ahora tienes que proponerte metas nuevas, metas que le
puedan dar un buen futuro a esa muchacha y a ti mismo. La vida sigue y
hay que hacer de ella lo correcto para lo mejor de uno.
My Story Since Very Young
My story started ever since I was very young. I was born
in Mexico City. At this age in Mexico City, you have to learn
to depend on yourself. When your father leaves you when
being five years old and have little sisters, and your mother
works 24-7, that's my case.
I got involved into drugs at an early age. Everyone in
my hood had the illusion to be gangsters. We had it all
like girls, drugs and sex. In the beginning, everything was
fun, but when we started to mess with drugs, everything
collapsed. Some of my friends were shot and other 'hood
were looking for my life.
I came to this county when I was 15, and I didn't know
anything. When I got into high school, everything turned
out to be the same. This time things were a little bit more
different. There were stolen cars, drugs, sex, and funk with
other gangs. I wanted to get out from this, but it was too
late. All this got stuck in my mind. I got rid of drugs, and
sex, but stealing remained in my mind.
A year ago, they caught me in a stolen car in Gilroy
with a homie. They brought me to San Clara County. My
case lasted a year.
After a while, I met the most important person in the
whole world, my girl. I've been with her for a year. She
helped me get out from all my problems. She lifted my self-
esteem. She has been with me through my sad moments.
Thank for her, I am moving ahead in life. Her name is Betty.
Beautiful name, isn't it?
I missed a court date and that's why I am here. But, I
don't care because this is an obstacle in life set for me to
overcome.
I am proud to be Latino. Thanks for The Beat Within to
listen to me. My greetings to all from other facilities. And
my greetings for the love of my life.
-Roberto, Santa Clara
From The Beat: It's noticeable that your life has been a hard one ever since
you were very young. The good thing is that you have changed, and you
owe this change to this special girl. You have to be responsible with your
courts or with what the system ask you to do. The good thing is that you
are heading the right path. Now, you have to set new goals, goals that
can guide you to a better future for her and yourself. Life continues and
you have the do the right thing with it for the best.
This Stuff Sick
This crooked court system have ya sick in yo 4 cell
Have ya nghtin some years the the judge withhold bail
I told my mama I love her and I meant it on the real
Ten years on a cop-out ain't a very good deal
Life behind bars and these solid street doors
Drive a person crazy I can't stand it anymore
I feel like an animal I don't talk I roar
I got my mama stressing I ain't meant it for her
To her I'm a baby to the streets— I'm shady
And I know I'm wrong for running my mama crazy
I'm a full blooded goon and that fast money made me
I act the way I do not because of how she raised me
It's amazing how the DA can take her son away
Like taking the sun away from a hot summer day
Try ,em as an adult and all he can do is pray
And hope that God'll come save ,em one day.
-Mackin' Nam, Alameda
From The Beat: This is good writing, man! You got great flow, nice beats,
nice rhymes, good specific images that help us be in your "story." We
can hear how seriously you are stressing about being locked up and the
way the court is treating you. And especially about how it feels to your
mom. Still, from what we can see, if you are a full-blooded goon, then
you gonna have to change something in a big way, once you eventually
do get out, if you don't want to get locked up again. Is it possible to
teach a full-blooded goon a new kind of living? We'd like your thoughts
on that.
I Get Lost In My Music
I would tell them that the reason I like the music because
when I listen to my music, I can get lost in the music.
Depending on what mood I'm in, the tone of the song can
make me relaxed or get me pumped up.
When I think about my girl and my baby, it puts me
in a mood to listen to songs like Jagged Edge or Avant or
Ginuine. But when I'm with my boy, we'll play Lonie Colion,
Lil' Wayne, Juvinile, Yung Joe, Young Jeezy, or numerous
other artists.
I would tell my elders that there's a time or place for every
type of music. True, many of the artists today are talking
about killing people or selling drugs or having sex. The youth
can relate to that because one way or another, they have lived
that.
For me, music is a way to get away and free myself, not
only from the walls that keep me here, but also the problems
that I can be facing at that time. Music is also another way
of communication. To all those who free themselves through
music, that's cool. Slap up. Late
-Young B, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a very good piece of writing that gives examples
of what you listen to and why you like it. Even though sex has always
been a part o the music scene, it is disturbing (maybe more to the old
than the young) to hear so much violence reflected in today's music.
Have you ever listened to classical music, like symphonies? What does
that music communicate to you?
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Changes
A life long story,
Memories carved into stone,
Life in my city, the town I call home.
The setting stayed the same but the characters have
changed,
Through these struggles I lived
I stood strong by my name.
As a kid begged for fame,
Learned to know nothing different.
Some homeboys remained by me,
Others started drifting.
Just a kid on the block, the only white boy who would kick it.
Destined to do time,
Coming home to my mom trippin'.
I was slippin', but damn, it's how the streets raised me.
On-lookers could say, "he lived the life of the crazies".
Amaze me by telling me something I haven't witnessed.
If not, keep your mouth closed, homie.
Mind your own business.
Im trippin' , like damn, how am I your son's hero?
Seeing visions of turning my future wife into a widow.
Like, damn, bro- what happened?
My mom says I was a good kid.
Now I'm locked down in the hall for turning others to
victims.
Times and tragedies turned to trial and error.
Learned to live fast, homeboy, never be scared.
Unaware 'til this moment how much I have changed.
I guess I'm just a product,
Yup- a product of this game.
-Mike, Santa Cruz
From The Beat: Each of us is the product of many things. Our lives are
complicated. But some things are simple. If we choose to live on the
wild and dangerous side, ultimately, it will consume us. You have a big
brain, Mike. You have the means to do good things. Your habits need
changing. Habits change when we train ourselves to become conscious
of every act we are about to take. And there are wise people who suggest
that the way to become conscious of each act is to start with the very
simple acts. That would be breathing, Mike. Yes, its really true. You
can train yourself to become 'conscious' by observing the simple act of
taking a breath. It's also a great way to relax and 'destress'. Try keeping
your mind on just one breath as the air comes in, goes down and comes
back out. We bet you can't stay focused on even one whole breath, in
and out, without your mind wandering (at first). But by the time you've
trained your mind to follow three breaths without wandering, you'll
be on the way to breaking a lot of thoughtless habits. A habit, by its
nature, is thoughtless. Your goal, if you want to change your behavior,
is to be thoughtful, about everything you do.
The Halls
In the halls, no one listens to us. They tell us what to
wear, what to eat, when to eat, when to exercise, how to
exercise, how to act, and every aspect of our lives. They
imprison us like animals, treat us like animals, and then
don't expect us to act like animals when we get out.
They call it a correctional facility, but all I have when I
come out is more plugs for drugs and guns. And I have lost
the fear of getting arrested. I have also learned positive
things while I was here. Even though they can control all
of that, they can't control the way I think the way I react
to the situation.
The halls have helped me realize that I have what it
takes to stay out and make money in a way that doesn't
put me in harms way or doesn't involve me hurting anyone
else. My time in here helped me grow as a person.
-TGM, San Francisco
From The Beat: You've done a fine job of describing what it's like to be
in lock-up and answering to a bunch of strangers telling you what to
do every minute of the day. And even though you've written well about
its negative aspects — losing your fear of arrest, getting more educated
about drugs and guns — your conclusion is much more hopeful. We'd
love for you to write a complete piece about how this place has helped
you grow; and what your future plans are that will keep you out of here
and places just like it.
RIP Chris
Thinking about you.... Watching the days go by, I miss
you more in every second that passes. I miss you more
than words can explain. It's still hard to believe you're
actually gone. May 24th it's gonna be 3 months since
you've been gone. Memories playing over and over again,
like a movie in my head. Life is too short I can't believe
it still.
God needed an angel I know you're in a better place.
I miss you Chris, you're my inspiration to keep my head
up and keep doing my music. Your words you speak are
so deep, your artwork, your wicked ways still god bless
us with you an angel from above. Your time was up - God
needed his angel back. I miss you bro.
It's been threee months and still not getting any easier.
I know it's selfish but damn what I'd do just to have you
back I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Damn, I
should of picked up your call. Who would've known that
two days later you'd be gone. I miss you Chris Rest in
Heaven G. You're never forgotten always on my mind and
soul.
Reminisce of the good times and just your cheesy
smile you forever live on, and through your music every
time I hear the sound of your voice.
Don't cry no more you in heaven livin' like a true G,
an angel, you've earned your wings. I love you Chris you
were the bestest person to have as a homie not only that
but you were a big brother. Thank you for always being
there through the laughter and tears. I live that good life
for you bro.
Rest In Peace. Christopher Cabrrea, 1989-2008.
-Loyalty, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Thank you for memorializing your friend here in The
Beat. Often we think on those final moments and days when we could
have spent more time with the person that has passed, but the best
thing to do now is keep remembering him and living life in his honor.
I Deserve An Oscar For This One
You tell me to leave the block
And to leave these rocks that are to be sold
But how can I switch up and change my ways,
If everything in my life has been so cold?
silent screams and broken dreams
Addicts, junkies, pushas and fiends
Crowded spaces and sad faces
Never look back as the police chase us
Consumed slowly by chaos, a victim of the streets
Hungry for knowledge but afraid to eat
A life of destruction, it seems no one cares
A manchild alone with burdens to bear
Trapped in a life of crime and hate
It seems the ghetto will be my fate
If I had one wish it would surely be
That God would send down angels to set me free
Free from the madness of a youngsta gunning wild
Free from the life of a ghetto child
But that's just a wish...
And wishes are Cinderella real, dig it
Monsta, Rascal, Scarface Rest in Peace
I'll see you in a minute,
You can finally sleep
For everything is quiet. . .
- Hollow-T, Alameda
From The Beat: This might just be your most broken, beautiful, brilliant
piece you ever wrote for The Beat. It seems like there's two voices. One
of them believes he can't change, its a wrap. Another one still prays
for something different, struggles to graduate, has high hopes for the
future. Maybe YOU are the angel you are praying for.
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Mi Autografia Y Mi Historia
Mi historia sobre mi nifiez comienza asi. Mi padre y mi
madre siempre vivieron juntos juntos con mis demas
heramos. Fuimos a la escuela y siempre que saliamos de
la escuela, ibamos ayudarle a mi papa al trabajo. Despues
ibamos a jugar soccer o a bafiarlos al no.
Un dia mi papa decidio venirse a los Estados Unidos.
Asi pasamos muchos afios y despues mi hermano mayor
se vino a los Estados Unidos. Estaba todavia peor la cosa
porque solo quedabamos mis hermanos, mi madre y yo.
Yo era el mas grande. Tube que dejar la escuela y ponerme
a trabajar para ayudar a mi madre. Asi estuve hasta que
cumpli 15 afios.
Despues paso lo peor, porque sucedieron cosas
demaciado triste para mi familia. Deportaron a mi padre
para Honduras. Cuando llego mi padre a la casa, llego todo
sucio y flaco. Entonces ya solo quedaba mi hermano en los
Estados Unidos. Entonces iba a trabajar con mi papa.
Un dia me dijo un amigo que me viniera con el para
aqui. Le dije que si. Entonces le dije a mi papa y a mi mama
de mi decision de venirme aqui.
Llego el dia para venirme. Me despedi de mis padres. Mi
madre lloraba porque me venia para aca.
En el camino nos asaltaron, nos robaron todo, pero
seguimos para adelante. Despues me arrastro el tren y me
golpie. Luego llegue a Phoenix, Arizona. Ahi trabaje unos
dia y me agarro la policia. Me soltaron. A los dias mataron a
mi padre. Deportaron a mi hermano y tambien lo mataron.
From The Beat: Tu vida ha sido una vida sorprendente. Sentimos con
todo corazon lo que has pasado. Sabemos que ha sido una vida bien
desgraciada. Has pasado por cosas que a nadie le gustaria pasar. No
tenemos palabras como expresar lo que nos hace leer tus escritura. Pero
si te decimos que no te dejes veneer. Ahora mas que nunca tienes que ser
la principal ayuda que queda en la familia. Tienes a una madre y a unos
hermanos quienes dependen de ti y mucho. Haz las cosas correctas para
que puedas ayudarlos en las buenas. Eres mayor y el unico que puede
ayudar a que las cosas mejoren en tu familia. Gracias por tus palabras. La
vida sigue, siempre recuerda eso.
This Is My Autography And Story
The story of my childhood starts like this. My father and
my mother always lived together with my brothers. We
went to school and after school we would help my dad with
his work. After that, we would play soccer or to swim in
the river.
One day my dad decided to come to the United States.
We spent many years like this, and then my older brother
came to the US too. Things got ever worse because there
were only my brothers, my mother, and I left. I was the
oldest from the remaining. I had to quit school and started
to work to help my mother. I kept working until I turned 15
years old.
Later, the worst happened. A lot of sad things happened
to my family. My dad got deported back to Honduras. When
my dad got home, he came home very dirty and skinny. So,
my brother was the only one left in the US. I would work
with my dad.
One day my friend asked me to come to the US with him
and I accepted. I told my mom and dad about my decision
to come here.
The day of leaving came through. I said good-bye to my
parents. My mom was crying because I was coming here.
In my journey, I got robbed, they took everything, but
we continued heading here. Later, I got dragged from the
train, and I got hurt. Later, I got to Phoenix, Arizona. There,
I worked for a few days and I got caught by the police. They
let me go though. Days later, they killed my dad. My brother
got deported and he was also killed there.
-Carlos, San Francisco
From The Beat: Your life has been a very hard and sad. We are sorry for
what had happened to you. We can tell how shameful your life has been.
You have gone through things anybody wouldn't like to experience. We
don't have the exact words to express what your writing has made us
feel. What we can tell you is to never give up. Now; you are the principal
support from your family. You have a mother and brothers who depend
on you very much. Do things right so you can be able to help them. You're
the oldest and the only one who can make things get better in the family.
Thanks for your words. Life continues, always remember that.
My Path
Well I have a great family; they are there for me and
supporting. Things can be real good and you can still
take the wrong turn and mess up.
I was raised right and I still chose to take the wrong
path. I've been in and out of BCJDC (the D-home) for the
past three years.
I'm almost 18 years old and I have a daughter that's
two years and four months old.
I've done every drug out there except for crack. I've
had a hard time these past years trying to quit, and trying
to stay sober.
I've been through several treatments, programs, and
my probation has been revoked over and over and I've
tried continuously to quit using drugs which has been
a struggle. I really truly want to quit, I wish I could
get rid of the cravings and I wish I would have never
experimented.
I love my little girl, and my family and I am smart. I
have my GED and I plan on attending college I just need
to get off drug court and get my life right to the point
where I can be around drugs and alcohol and not use,
where I can maintain my life for me and my daughter.
-Desiree, Land Of Enchantment
From the Beat: The last part of your story you mention that you want
to be around drugs and alcohol. Why put you're self in that position, if
your so called friends are doing drugs and drinking maybe you should
re-evaluate just who your friends are. As long as that temptation is
there it will be that much harder to quit, and remember its not just you
any more you have a child to think about.
/EZ=2
Wi{JfflMMZW/7f < /// - #///
///////#/////,/// ////#///,//
y/////
A Story For You, My Story
Around my 12th birthday I meet my homie Jesus who was
several years older then me. I looked up to him like a big
brother and he seemed to take an interest in my life. His
friendship meant the world to me, and we were always together.
His friends became my friends, but I was in for trouble.
It wasn't long before he got locked up and I started kicking
it with the rest of the homies. I realize now what a big mistake
I was making. Proverbs 28:19 says, "A mirror reflects a man's
face, but what he is really like is shown by the kinds of friend
he chooses." My new buddies were the kind I knew to stay
away from, but I went with them anyway. Their presence in my
life would have a huge impact on my later development.
Hanging out with older kids made me feel grown up and
important. They always did what they wanted and never played
by the rules. Drugs were always around, too, and were a big
part of all the fun. It wasn't long before I was using with the
rest of them, then I got addicted.
The more I used, the emptier I felt, and the emptier I felt
the more I used. It's like a craving that never goes away. I wish
I had never tried the stuff, but once I did, I could never get
enough.
I guess it was the emptiness I felt inside that made me
jump into drugs so fast once they became available. The first
thing I started doing was smoking weed, then I started smoking
meth and drinking alcohol too, pretty much every day. If you
are addicted to something you will put it before everything that
you love. Life started falling apart fast. At the time I thought I
didn't care, but I did. I was just too high to realize it, it was also
getting harder to hid what I was doing because people started
to notice.
The principal's office started looking way to familiar. My
teachers were noticing me once again, but this time it wasn't
for my good grades. Coming to school high or drunk was
nothing for me now. I got suspended over and over again until
it lost its meaning. By the time I should have been a junior in
high school I only had two credits, and was reclassified as a
freshman twice. I figured I might as well drop out altogether. My
family was upset about it, but they all had so many problems
of their own that no one had the energy to deal with one more.
Since I was seldom at the house it was sort of, "Out of sight,
out of mind"
By now I was doing every kind of drug I could get my
hands on. Methamphetamine, acid, marijuana, mushrooms,
alcohol, and occasionally cocaine, of course I had to pay for
my addictions, so a life of crime wasn't far behind. Breaking
and entering, stolen vehicles, and drug dealing were all part of
my "Rap sheet"
We got pretty good at terrorizing the neighborhood.
Looking back now I fell a lot of shame over all that we did,
but at the time I didn't think about it. I knew it was wrong, but
the drugs helped numb my feelings of guilt. If I was bothered
by it I tried hard to push it aside, I had an image to protect
me.
I never wanted anyone to know how I really felt. Besides,
we were having fun. We didn't have to work, all the crimes were
keeping my "needs" well supplied. In the back of my mind I
always thought that if I got a real job, I would miss out on all
the fun. At times I would have a change of heart and try to get
free from the way I was living, but it never lasted. Even before
I dropped out of high school I was placed on a "Drug Court"
program. At the time I really thought that I would stay clean
after I "Graduated". I learned lost of good information, but
some how it didn't help. I guess it's because my friends and
problems never changed. Within two weeks I was back doing it
all over again, and this time even worse then before.
I started stealing even more; I was boosting at least two
cars a day. I was never home now, and my mom would beg me
just to spend one night at home. I would just blow her off. I
was arrested and spent at lest thirty days in jail, five times in
one year.
It wasn't until the last time that I came to jail that I got
fed up, fed up with every thing. The stealing, the drugs, the
people, and the very way I was living. I decided to turn my
life over to God. I figured I couldn't run my life the right way
maybe he could. I was released and placed on probation for an
additional year, and God helped me to do well. I got my G.E.D
and at one point even worked tow jobs at once. I began trying
to enroll in collage class; I even found a job that would help me
to accomplish my dream of becoming a mechanic. I was doing
well for about six months then I started to fall back into my
old ways again. I started staying away from home and smoking
weed occasionally. I was out late one night, and got picked up
by the police. So here I am in jail again, and at the mercy of the
court once again.
I'm asking for you to let me off your honor. I'm not even
asking for you to go easy on me. I'm simply asking that you
take all this into consideration and send me to a treatment
center. I think a treatment center would be the best place for
me because my biggest problem has always been staying clean.
I think with treatment that might be possible. Thank you for
hearing my story
-Sincerely Julian, Land Of Enchantment
From The Beat: We hope by the time this reaches you, you are getting the
help you need to overcome your addictions, and are on the road to getting
the help you need to make it in the free world. We hope you can maintain
and rise to the biggest challenge in your young life, turning your life
around and in a direction that will keep you sober and legit!
Cassandra
Hi my name is Cassandra; I was born on September 7th.
Six years later my birth mom left me at Joy Junction
when I was 6 years old.
I got up and called my Auntie Mary, so she raised me
for 10 years ever since I was a little girl. Now I'm
16 years old and I'm my own parent. I will never trust an
older person again.
I was raising my own brother at a young age; my
brother is my best friend 'cause we were always together.
My brother calls me "mom" 'cause I am his "mom".
Lupe our birth mom got my brother on drugs and used
him. He was in and out of Juvi because he was on drugs,
so when he didn't have a place to stay I would let him spend
the night at my aunties. I would just hold him because
he was scared. I wish someone could take away my pain
because I'm tired of hurting and crying for Lupe to come
back and just hold me.
Life isn't easy for me because I feel so empty and
confused in life. I don't know what the hell to do anymore.
If you see me out on the streets just stop and talk
to me because I'm searching for Lupe, but I know I'm not
going to find her.
It's sad that this is my true life, I wish someone
would just sit down with me and listen to my about my
life.
My life is jacked up because I had no mother, father
to teach me what's wrong or right. I taught myself and my
brother what's hurting us and it was our mom leaving us
with nothing to say.
Now I am wishing that I didn't do what I did. The heck
with the haters that say I can't make it in life, even though
I grew up to fast.
Now I know my momma ain't nothing but a crack head,
I was a mom to my brother, but now it's jacked up because
he says I can't be shhh! I'm stuck in jail feeling like I'm half
dead, dreaming about the last blunt I lit, the last hoe I hit. I
knew I was doing the wrong thing, but now it feels like I'm
in a dream so unreal. I've been here so long I forgot how to
feel.
- Cassandra, Land Of Enchantment
From The Beat: We are sorry to hear what your mother did to you as a
child; no child should just be abandoned. Its also sad to hear that you
had to raise your siblings when you were just a child your self. Find your
inner strength and gain that feeling back, become a better person and
prove to yourself and every one around you that you can be the person
you want to be.
/EZ=2
Wi{JfflMMZW/7f < /// - #///
///////#/////,/// ////#///,//
The Story Of Ryan, A Short Story
Ryan has always been a quiet respectful man. Never
bothered anybody and was always tailored in the finest
suits. He had a casual routine, not unlike a small child's
day planner. You could not call him stupid, though he was
"simple minded".
He was found sitting next to a dead man in a dark alley.
He was crying and holding his favorite rubber " smiley
face" stress ball.
When the police got there, they knew immediately that
the large figure, holding that signature squeeze ball, was
Ryan Andrews.
"Detective Roberts, possible 187 on 8th and 23rd. One
victim and suspected witness and/or suspect." The radio
screeched inside the detectives car, "copy dispatch in
route."
Replied Roberts. He reached for the small hidden light
and siren box under the dashboard. The red, blue and
emergency lights lit up the small parking lot of the Jack In
The Box.
His p71 police interceptor cut the light 11:00 traffic. He
finished his chicken salad just as he pulled up to the long
string of N.Y.RD black and whites. He stepped from his car
and flashed his badge to the rookie guarding the entrance
of the alley.
The tunnel between the two buildings was scourged
with every kind of bodily fluid and spray paint there was
available. Roberts could already tell this wasn't Ryan's
usual route home.
He was still huddled next to the corpse squeezing his
ball. Fortunately, Robert had always carried small plastic
badges for the elementary schools he frequented. He pulled
one out of his coat pocket. The small sparkling piece of
gold plastic caught Ryan's attention. His big brown lonely
eyes gazed at the intricate designs on the small toy.
Detective Roberts cautionly approached Ryan and
placed the small clip on his collar. His red swollen eyes
immediately lit up with joy and excitement, but they slowly
faded back when he looked about his surroundings.
"Hi... I know I should always tell the policeman
everything, but..." Ryan trailed off. But he then realized
and grouped the large soft palm. Roberts slowly started
moving. He opened the passenger side of his car and slowly
placed Ryan inside. He fastened his seat belt and closed
the door. As he was walking to his door his captian ran up
to him and tapped his shoulder, " you're going to let him sit
in the front? Regulations say.." "forget the regulations I'm
taking him home!" yelled Roberts.
He stepped into his car and starred at Ryan. "I'm sorry
your boss man yelled at you." Ryan said. "It's alright I'll
set him straight on Monday." Usually that comment would
have made people laugh, but Ryan just sat with a confused
look on his face.
"Now I know you are hungry. I heard you've been sitting
there since 6:00 in the afternoon." Ryan smiled sheepishly
and nodded his head. They pulled into a White Castle
Burger and sat behind a dirty pickup truck in the drive
thru. Ryan slipped a twenty to the perky girl at the counter.
She was rather beautiful Roberts thought to himself. Their
supply of 16 burgers, 2 shakes, and 2 curly fries all went to
Ryan. He ate slowly and carefully as if it was his first time
eating. Roberts knew that Ryan needed to go home and get
some sleep. He slowly pulled out of the White Castle and
headed for Ryan's home.
Chapter 2 to be continued.
-AnonymousOne, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is what we can, "imagination usage." You have a
great talent in writing fiction stories. You are gifted. We would love to
hear the second, third or last part of your story. Don't keep us waiting.
We are dying to read the rest. Thank you for your time. Great imagination,
talent and writing!
l^l^J/
t=r//c=r
* P/f£fS * // *
My Music
X
Me and My Dad's Music!
Well, I am stressing today because I just found out that
my brother got shot. It is really stressing because I can't
even call him to see how he is doing.
Well, anyways, back to the topic: my music. I like
songs that sing about their loved ones that passed away,
for example - the song that I love says: aqui estoy thinking
about you carnalito every time you cross my mind tu
saves que me aguito I remember when we used to kick
back and have a blast its hard to believe now its back in
the past. I remember those times like it was yesterday. I
know if I was there and you be here, it be the same way.
We never thought we'd go through anything like this. Now
we sit back and say rest in peace.
That is my favorite song because I dedicated that song
to my best friend Samuel Pena, who passed away about 4
years ago. I listen to the music because it is very true. I
would tell my grandmother to listen to the music because
it tells no lie. When a loved one dies the pain never leaves.
It hurts for a long time, and I love it.
-Angela, Santa CLARA
From The Beat: Thank you Angela. We are so sorry about your brother
and we hope he recovers soon.
My father likes Rock-n-Roll but he will listen to the
music I like (rap, r&b, and hip hop). He says that all the
music I listen to talks about the same things like sex,
drugs and violence. So does Rock-n-Roll, it just talks
about screaming and being hecka loud. I like any kind of
music but country (because it's too slow, and dumb).
The reason I like rap, r&b, and hip hop the most is
because they are a lot easier to dance to, and unlike rock,
all you do is shake your head and act stupid.
I've seen my dad dance to my kind of music and it
I be hecka funny. He has no kind of rhythm to it, but to
rock, he know how to shake his head right. I be hella
I laughing.
I like rap even though, yeah, most of it talks about
I the same things. But like, when I'm in any kind of mood,
it enhances my mood and makes me feel good. Hip hop
makes me calm down when I'm feelin hyphee and R&B
calms me down too when I'm feelin in any kind of way.
I Mac Dre go and will never die!!!
-F Money, Alameda
From The Beat: Its always so funny (for every generation) to see our
parents trying to "get hip" to the young peoples music! Props to your
dad for giving it a chance, though.
SIWl
7 nn
r //////
My Time Here
I've been here for 42 days now, and my time here has been
okay. But the worst thing about being here is missing my
family and my girl. It sucks being here because my family
is usually busy, so I don't get that many visits.
I'm just waiting to get out and be with my girl again.
Once I get out, I'ma start going to school and I'ma do my
probation because I'm not trying to come back here. I
need to do something better with my life. I'ma probably
get out of here and chill for a minute, and not do anything
hot. I'ma probably be hella cutty and just go out and just
write for a minute.
-Inka, San Francisco
From The Beat: We hope you remember the promise you wrote her that
you won't do anything hot when you get out. It's very easy to forget
that promise, especially when you're with the homies chilling. They will
always want to tempt you to do the things that you know lead here, so
we hope you have the courage it takes to say no. School is the ticket to
a better future. Don't forget!
Young Thug Life
My life began 2/25/91, a young, light-skin outgoing
toddler. Started off hard headed, getting many suspensions
and detention as a young elementary school kid, fighting,
ignoring the teachers, al because that's how I was raised
— by a loud-mouth mom and hard-headed pops.
I got kicked out of elementary school in 5th grade.
To go back and think about it, I'm ashamed I didn't get
to graduate from elementary. But I never told my pops. I
used to get up and go ride my bike all around until school
got out just to seem as if I went to school. Moms knew
but never told pops.
Then I went to middle school, and made it a goal to
walk across the stage. I continued my hard-headedness
and not listening, but then I did accomplish my goal
of walking across the stage. But after getting shot at
walking home one night, I made the decision I had to
protect myself. Then I made the decision to strike first,
and strike hard.
So, with that decision, I got myself here for wanting to
protect myself. . .
-J, San Francisco
From The Beat: Even though you got kicked out of the 5th grade, we
admire you for achieving your goal of graduating from middle school.
But what about the next stage of your education? A high school diploma
(or GEO equivalency) is almost a necessity for getting a job and staying
out of places like this. As for making that decision to "protect yourself,"
even though we understand your motivation, we disagree that what you
chose (what everybody chooses) actually provides you the protection you
hope for. In fact, we think it puts your life in greater danger, both from
the weapon being turned on you and for you turning the weapon on
someone else, and giving up your freedom forever because of it. Going
back to our first point, we think that good educational foundation is a
much better form of life protection.
\
Listening With Someone Older
If I was to listen to my music with someone older than
me, like my mom or someone, there's some songs that
she likes, but some she doesn't like — songs that cuss
every sec. She'll tell me to "turn that shhh off and play
something else!" But sometimes, she'll listen to the
music I listen to and won't trip.
The difference about the music these days and the
music then is that people then really sang, and they
didn't always use computers to adjust their voices, so
their singing was real, unlike nowadays where most of
the singers use computers to improve their voices for
everything. But I still like some of the new music from
nowadays.
-Young R, Santa Clara
From The Beat: What particular music from today does your mother
listen to with you? Does she ever want you to listen to the music she
likes? What oldies do you listen to with her?
FilliwiniMj Bntlers li... Ail Oil
When I was young, I used to see my brothers gangbang,
come drunk, high and all that to my house. They were in
and out of jail, and I used to be like, "Damn! I wanna do
what they do."
I was always around gangs, guns and all that. When
I got 12, I started doing everything my brothers used to
do. I got caught up in the system when I just became a
teenager.
Ever since then, I been messing up in school, using
drugs and gangbanging. Now I'm 15 and still getting
caught up, and still doing stupid shhh.
But now I look at my brothers and some have changed
their life. They're doing good and I wanna do the same
because I'm tired of being in and out of YGC and being on
probation.
-Eddy, San Francisco
From The Beat: If you're brothers were like roll models getting you into
the gang (and the hall), then let them be your roll models again to get
you out of the life (and out of the hall). We know your thinking is on
the right track when you write that you were still doing "stupid shhh."
Nobody wants to do stupid stuff, but not everybody is aware of what
is stupid and what is not. Since you are aware, we expect you to do
the things you know you have to do (and to stop doing the things you
know you have to stop doing) in order to get your life back under your
own control. Good luck!
My Music
The music I listen to nowadays is way different from
what they used to listen to back in the day. What I like
about the music that I listen to is the beat and lyrics.
The beats that are made nowadays are made with
a lot more detail. There's a lot of different instruments
combined into a whole that gives the certain song a
certain flavor.
Lyrics are also a lot different. Lyrics are a lot more
detailed, too. Punch lines interest the listener. Metaphors
and similes make the listener pay attention to the song
more. So, I like certain types of music and certain types
of artists. I'm picky when it comes to music.
-Kevin, San Francisco
From The Beat: We appreciate the fact that you took this topic seriously
and spit some knowledge (even though people of the older generation
will argue that their lyrics were also filled with similes and metaphors
that made the listeners pay attention). We wish you had given an
example or two of the music you like, and told us what about it made
you like it. But, other than that, this is a fine piece.
Power Without Violence
ide
X
I don't think violence is necessary in certain cases.
Like, if you're fighting for your life and it's a life or death
situation, then yeah. But I've seen too much shhh happen
growing up for people to start shhh just to start it.
I've witnessed drive-bys, shoot-outs, people getting
popped, robberies gone bad, and the scene ain't coo'.
That's why I'm standing up, saying this ain't right. Most
people ain't been through it, so they don't understand.
But once they experience it, they realize it ain't all fun
and games.
Also, I'm tired of arguing with my loved one. We only
communicate on paper, but it's coo'. I stay getting letters.
I love my baby to death, and I say 'stop the violence with
us 'cause I can't afford to lose this battle.
My baby is my box of chocolates. She stay making
me smile and laugh, so in order to maintain a safe, loving
relationship, and life - peace in the Middle East.
-Shatel, Santa Clara
From The Beat: And peace everywhere, and with everyone. You
differentiate between self defence and unprovoked aggression, and
draw reasonable conclusions. Good thinking. Peace to you and yours.
I
i^nn
7 //nn
Shadow's Autobiography
My life is a trip. I started when I was 12. But back then,
everything was way different. No violence, death, drugs
and the 'hood. Been a little vato looking up to the father
I never really had. But Mommy was working hard trying
to do the best.
About my familia, I'm the second oldest. My older
brother is back at my country. Never really listened
to him, feel me. But my younger sista is the only that
sometimes pts me to thinking how painful it is, not being
there for her for the decisions I'm making. But she still
stands up high on her feet.
But yeah, just giving a little taste of this vato life. So
yeah, when I finally go the streets was when my whole
world changed all around my raza. Started chilling with
the homies, and y'all know what I mean. Got jumped
in doing the things nobody was supposed to be doing,
following the older homies' instructions of how to live
up in these streets, even though I keep the familia to the
side without thinking about how much mother's Corazon
(heart) was falling apart.
But now, looking at all the mistakes I did, look where
I am now doing time. And for those who think they hard,
just know the only person who is by your side, carnal...
Who? Yeah, you know, your mother (and the Lord). God
bless, y'all.
-Young Shadow, San Francisco
From The Beat: Thank you for talcing this topic seriously. Just remember
when you write that you started chilling with the homies and "y'all
know what I mean" that "y'all" includes the system. Everybody knows
what you mean, so the best advice we can give is to stop doing it.
It seems like you've learned this lesson on your own because you've
connected the dots that led you here. Give you mother what she wants
from and for you, which is that you live a decent live without having
to be locked up.
No Disrespect, But...
Beat, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but why should
I tell you about my life? That's my topic to you. You
don't know me, so why should I share my personal shhh
with you? You have no idea what goes on in my life. You
wouldn't be able to handle my life. What goes on in my
life you'll probably wet yourself.
I have a lot of good times in my life, but most of the
shhh in my life is messed up. I ain't blaming the messed
up shhh on anybody but myself, but shy should I share
it with people I don't even give a damn about. So, Beat,
answer me this: do you know me? Then why do you want
to know about me?
I love my life, but you wouldn't understand it if I told
you. I love my life, but I don't love you, Beat. I don't even
want to be here right now, but I rather be out my nasty
cell in the max where we don't get shhh. I'm sorry, Beat.
I'm having a bad day. Let's start over....
Hey Beat, let me tell you about my life. I was born. I
went to school I started messin' around, smokin' weed,
drinkin' brew, having' sex, started getting' locked up, got
my girl pregnant, got locked up again — and now I'm here
writing to The Beat.
-Morgan, Santa Clara
From The Beat: We actually like this piece a lot, Morgan, even if you
started being angry at us for even wanting to know about your life.
Here's the deal. You're right; we don't know about your life. But then,
you also don't know about ours, either (and, you make some pretty big
assumptions about who we are and who we aren't). Of course you don't
have to share anything with us if you choose not to, but we believe
that writing about your life may give you (and us) some insights that
might make the future different from the past. (Plus, learning about
other people's lives is just plain old interesting.) Clearly, the path
you've described so briefly — smokin' weed, drinking', getting' your girl
pregnant, getting' locked up — hasn't worked that well for you. So, do
you have another plan for what comes after this?
J
Mj Autobioirapfey
\
Man, wha's up with it? This ya boy T-Mac. I been getting' bad
news all week, but shhh, karma's hell! Anyways, I'm 'bout to
write my life story...
It all started when I was a little ninja. I came from them
streets of South Richmond. My moms left me with my
grandma when I was three. I didn't know my dad until I was
seven. I knew my pops for two days before he got killed in
front of me by some suckas.
When I was nine or ten, I moved in with my step pops
who is a well known ninja. He made me be with that shhh.
When I turned 11, that's when my whole new life started. I
moved with a female that was seven years older than me and
became with that shhh and got my name.
Everything was going smooth until I turned 15. That's
when I got charged for shooting somebody, but I beat my
case.
Oh, a year earlier, I met this female that stuck with me
through the year+ I was in jail. I fell in love with her, and I felt
that was the only person I could trust other than my brother.
When I turned 16, she was still with me. She hated me being
with the shhh, but she still had my back.
I was living with her for the past ten months. Everything
was going good. I was getting' big chippas. Then, one night
while my mind was focused f on money, I didn't realize I left
a couple of guns on the bed and her cousin was playing with
one of them and didn't know there was bullets in the gun.
She accidentally shot my girl and messed up her leg and
caused her to lose my child, and that's why I came here. I
had five warrants and hella charges. I don't know when I'm
gettin' out.
Last night, six of my closest ninjas went to county jail.
They facing a life sentence. So I realize how good shhh look,
no matter how much shhh you get away with, karma gonna
come back around hard as hell. I ain't trying to change my
life, but I gotta change something.
-T-Macoroni, San Francisco
From The Beat: We appreciate that you wrote a very complete history of
your life to date, and we're very sorry that your girl got shot and your
baby was killed. But you know, if you had guns on your bed that you
just forgot about, then it was only a matter of time before you went
down. Even though you say that "everything was going good," it wasn't
going good. The things you were doing were pointing you towards a life
behind bars, or worse. We're not sure if you truly appreciate what this
means in your life, but you seem to recognize that change is necessary
(and it will come, whether you design or let the system design it for
you). Unless you make some major changes, you'll be living a child's life
but paying for it with adult consequences!
Back On Top
LI
In juvenile hall, but I could hear the streets calling
They can lock me up, but they can't stop me from
balling
The hall gots me reading books entertaining my mind
Just want to kick back, relax, and do my time
The judge keeps moving my court to different days
Hoping God listen to me and answers my prayers
Just want to get out and see my son
I haven't seen the moon, haven't seen the sun
Hope to get out before my son turns one
'Cause his name screams in my head
Like the sound of a gun
Got holes in my pants, got holes in my socks
Gotta hole in my heart, and I'm ready to drop
But then I hear his name and I'm back on top
-King Chino, Santa Clara
From The Beat: It's good that the thought of your son puts you back "on
top" mentally. And we don't want to bring you down. But we hope that
when you think of your son, you are also thinking of what you have to
change in your life so that you can be with him as he grows. Every boy
needs a father, but tragically, very few boys in the hall get that need
met. As you pray to God to help you. He is praying to you to give your
son what he needs. So, mend that hole in your heart by mending the
ways you've been living, and recognize that the most important (and
difficult) job in the world is now yours: Fatherhood!
I
i^nn
7 //nn
Never Let You Down
\
Our hearts beat as one, like you were the breath to my
lungs
Through your eyes I see mine, so dark, yet they shine
Memories slowly driftin' by, clouds like smoke of a mota
toke
I'm still here an' I'ma be around 'til that casket meets
the ground
Holdin' your heart like a locket, safe and cradled like in
a pocket
Sharing jailhouse dreams, patiently waitin' to have this
a memory
Our love runs deeper than the darkness of the salted sea
You thrill me to my soul; not once have you ever let me
down
We've let the good times roll an' let them bad ones take
its toll
Though it seems the rain's been falling harder an' days
are gettin' longer
Simon, you know what's up; 111 never dream to let you
down
Just to sit back and watch this thing called love die
Looking through your eyes, there's no limit to what I'm
able to see
You're my shadow through the day and my moonlit sky
through the night
Every time my eyes close, I feel your presence to my
bones
Reminiscing all those times you held me tight while the
icy wind blowed
Every breath you ever took to speak those words that
calmed me so
And every day that went by, that proved your words
weren't a lie
Led me to truly see the stars glittering freely through
the sky
Like the single flame of a candle burning softly to its
lonesome melody
I await the day to come, so we can continue what was
meant to be
And to show you once again that I'll never let you down
-Grumpy, San Francisco
From The Beat: This is a powerful testament to love. Grumpy. When you
promise that you'll never let him down, does that mean you'll never get
locked up again? Do you feel you let him down this time because you did
whatever it was that gave the system the power it needed to take you
from him? What kind of changes are you anticipating making in your life
so that you and he can "continue what was meant to be?"
My Birthday
I was born in the suburbs of Evergreen Hills.
Today is May 22 and it's my birthday and I'm in this
place. It sucks 'cause I'm in here 'cause I hurt some
female real bad.
I was brought up in a wealthy family and always got
everything I wanted and then one day, I was sexually
molested for four years. Ever since then I had an anger
problem, and going into high school, I got kicked out of
eight schools.
I was always in trouble - roaming the streets with the
homies, putting in work, just messing up my life. It took
me till now that I'm 16 to realize that I can control myself
and realize that I got to straighten myself.
I-Mercedeez, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a really powerful piece but it talks about how
being harmed can change your outlook on life. But it seems like you are
starting to recognize that what happened to you was what made you
have issues and that is the first step to healing and changing.
\
Li
My Autobiography
\
It was mid-May, a day I will never forget. My cousin woke
me up around 10 o'clock and asked me to go to the store
with him. So I asked my mom "Can I go?" and she said
"Yes."
She told me to hurry back so I can go to school. Me
and my cousin got three blocks away from my house and
then he said "I need some money" and I said "How we
gonna go to the store with no money?"
Then he turned around and started walking back
towards my house. Then he pulled out a gun on a ice
cream vendor and said "Give me all yo money!" I tried
to walk away but he told me to go rob the other one. I
was walking towards him and he was backing up, then
I turned around and my cousin was running down the
street. So I ran after him. Then when I caught up to him
he made me take his gun. I was scared that if I didn't he
was gonna beat me.
Like any other time when I don't do stuff for him he
would hit me. So I took it. Then we was walking, we got
right in front of my house then the police came. They got
out the car and put they guns to my head. My mom saw
it . . . even that the police had they guns to my head -- and
it broke her heart, and my dads. Now I'm in Juvenile Hall
cryin' waiting to go home.
-Jesse, Alameda
From The Beat: This is heartbreaking to hear - it sounds like your whole
family suffered. Have you spoken with your cousin since this all went
down? Do you think you'll be seeing him again? Or have you decided to
stay away from him because he brings you down.
My Autobiography
\
It started December 29th, 1990. I was brought into this
world. I don't really remember much about my younger
days, but I know I grew up broke. Two year after I was
born, my HI' bra was born.
Moms struggled to keep clothes on our back and food
on the table. By the time I started school, I was bad as
hell. I grew up in a shady environment. You know, the
usual ninjas bangin' and grindin' hard. So when I started
school, I was getting into a few fights and cussin' out
teachers. That's the most I remember about my younger
days, for real.
But when I got to middle school, that's when a young
ninja started wildin' out. I lost my virginity, so it was on
with the females. I started holdin' cannons and smokin'
'dro. Then one day in 7th grade, I was tired of being broke,
so I bought my first bundle, and it was on since then.
A few years later I came to the halls for the first time
for some bullshhh robbery. I got out on probation, but I
got violated and got sent to a grouper and instantly got
further. While I was on the run, I got shot, which had me
paralyzed for a HI' minute. But I bounced back, and got
sent to another grouper. I ended up runnin' from that
thing. Then I caught a HI' gun charge and got sent to
another group. I got on from that one, too, which leads
me to where I am right now.
-Cal, San Francisco
From The Beat: We want to thank you for writing seriously about a
serious topic, and giving us a glimpse into your life. But you might be
surprised at the two words that caught our attention, and make us
worry about your future. The first is that "bullshhh robbery." We wonder
what kind of robbery that would be... because we know if we were the
victims of your robbery, we would never consider it bullshhh (and if you
were the victim, you wouldn't either). The other word that worries us
is "lil"' as in "a III' gun charge..." The system knows of no such charge
since all gun charges carry big consequences (in life as well as in the
law). So, until you see robbery as something other than "bullshhh" and
a gun charge as something other than "lil'," we're afraid you may have
more lessons to learn.
I
SIWl
7 nn
r //////
My Autobiography
Man, what's up with the Beat? This that ninja Mike writing
out the big dawg unit. Man, my life is crazy, man. A ninja been
through hella shhh these past 18 years, feel me? A ninja
could've got his life took on different occasions. A ninja got
played before.
I been in this system since I was 15 years old, and they
just now 'bout to let a ninja go. I got one of those lives that a
normal person wouldn't be able to live for a couple of hours.
All this took place on big block in San Francisco which I
can't say the name because they wouldn't put it in if I did. I
ain't trippin', though, because all that happened in the past.
I can't sit here and dwell on the past because if I do,
that's how I'ma continue to live my life. It's time for me to
plan my future. A ninja getting' older. I can't do this shhh no
more. It was fun while it lasted, but all the good things come
to an end.
I'm on my grown shhh, now, know what I'm talkin' about.
Ninjas need to get with this shhh, too, 'cause this what it's
all about. When they let me out, I'm 'bout to be a beast, but in
a positive way. Like I said, ninjas need to get with this shhh
'cause this is what it's about.
To all the thugs in here, use this time y'all doing to
get y'all mind straight, man. Don't just be sittin' in here
bullshhhhing, an. Get y'all mind straight. This is our year
to shine, man, and we can't shine while we up in here. I love
y'all, man, and keep y'all head up. Remember we do time,
time don't do us.
That's all I got to say this week. We all we got.
-Mike, San Francisco
From The Beat: It's taken you a while to see that your future doesn't lie
in the system, which means there have to be changes. But some people
never learn this lesson, so we are encouraged to read your commitment
to a different future. At the same time, Mike, it's so easy to fall back
into old habits, and so hard to do the things you know you have to do
(and not do the things you know you can't do). So, we want you to keep
this piece close by so you never forget what life inside is like whenever
those temptations come along. We'd love for you to write an entire piece
on the topic, "A Beast In A Positive Way."
SlSl
X
My name is Sammy. I'm from Oakland. People call me
Sosa. I don't care about nobody, only my family. I'm
Puerto Rican. I'm 17 years old.
My past is really crazy. I got shot in the head at the age
of fourteen. I started to go to jail right after that happened
because I started going crazy. I stopped listening to my
family. I wanted to hurt a lot of people by doing things I
should not be doing. I been coming to jail since then and
now I can't stop coming to dis place.
My hopes is that one day I will be a better person in
life. I hope I will see my daughter grow up and be a better
person than me because I want her to make it in life. My
dreams are that I can take care of my family and that I
will not be in jail the rest of my life. My plan is that I
will marry my baby mamma because I love her wit all my
heart.
My other plan is to stop doing what I do in my life and
start getting ready for my new life that I will be starting
when I get out of dis place. I want to try to make my family
happy with what I'm doing with my life. That all I have to
say.
-Lil' Sosa, Alameda
From The Beat: This is some good writing. That is really serious that
you got shot in the head at fourteen!? We're not surprised that you
started wanting to hurt people and stopped listening to your family.
I That experience must've shaken you up pretty badly and made you
angry and maybe even scared too underneath it all. We're glad that you
made it and have some dreams and goals to work towards now. When
you got people you love and you want to do right by them, that's a great
reason to start changing your life. But you need to follow-through and
not dreams would be? What can you do when you are tempted to
\
A lot Late Night
What's up Beat, it's Grumpy coming at you from Gilroy.
Well today I'm gonna write a flow.
It was a hot late nite
when I remember kicking back bumping the oldies
off the homie Dopey's Cadillac
parked on the block
drinking pisto
selling dope
me, my hommie Joker, Sharpe, my primo
watching out for the black and white
kicking back,
bending days on a crazy ass night.
The block was rolling
just like any other day
the only thing I didn't know
was that I was gonna get shot,
Damn,
a ranfla hit the block
fools hanging out,
next thing I knew I was shot down
I fell,
it seemed like it was all a dream.
All I kept hearing was the homie scream
"look, don't die"
he kept saying
I tried to get up
but in his arms I kept laying.
I look around and seen my homies everywhere,
faces looking down at me,
then I started getting scared,
I was feeling cold,
my body all numbed up
I looked at my homes,
but I couldn't even talk
please dear God don't let this be my last day,
I closed my eyes and went into a deep daze.
Well times up till pencil meets paper. Alrato.
-Grumpy, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This sounds like a pretty terrifying and memorable night.
Experiences like this stay with us forever. How has this experience
changed you or your perspective on life? We think its excellent that
you're writing flows about this night, it will help you process the
emotions that this night brings up for you. Make sure to keep writing
and talking about this so the fear doesn't get bottled up and fester
inside of you.
Growin' Up Too Fast
Damn, us ninjas growin' up too fast
We see ninjas getting' beat on, shanked up an' gassed
We try to live it up, even make it last
But we end up just another figment of the past
Broke, can't do shhh but steal and take ninjas cash
An' end up wit' tha'law huntin' and whoopin' our ass
They don't give a shhh about you, they be waitin' to blast
Watchin' on the news, "Oh, just another ninja gassed!"
Violence left, right, up, down, they comin' for you
So when that time comes you like "I'ma get him too"
After you get him, his whole squad bussin' at you
Its that Oakland mentality, brah, it ain't gone change
Ninjas ain't satisfied till the see they own brains hang
But we used to this shhh, so it ain't no thang
We stay hearin' gunshots, ninjas lettin' it rain'
Forget the law! They ain't never gon' feel my pain
-Young D, Alameda
From The Beat: Man, you really put it down here. Its dark times you
describe. Do you personally know people who decided they didn't want
to live this way, and found a way to get 'un-caught'? If so, how did they
do it?
I
i^nn
7 //nn
Waiting
Waiting for your time
You wonder what will happen
If the next person you fight
Will mess up your program
But what you don't know
Is you have the power
To do your time straight
To get through with everything
And to get out when you're done
We all wish we can be free
To do the things you used to do
You wish you can kick it
But think if you should
'Cause you think you
Might do something
That will bring you back
'Cause all you wish for
Is to be free of the
System and be off probation
And not have to worry
About while you're on probation
Your first hit might
Even be your last
So look out
And be smart
'Cause you don't want to be back
At juvenile hall
And eat this nasty food.
- Bight-ball, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is fantastic advice not only to your fellow guys in
the hall, but for everyone that has a goal. Keeping your ultimate goal in
your mind at all times and realizing that "you have the power" are two
of the most important things to achieve success in life. What will you
use these strategies to accomplish after you've completed your time?
Sounds like you've got an attitude that will take you anywhere.
Ibis Reiret
X
My writing is going to be about me and my life. I
personally regret a lot about my life. I regret putting
my mom through all the bad times and making her shed
blood, sweat, and tears with me for all my years.
They call me Solja Boy but the true "solja" (soldier)
is my mom. She is down for me in different ways more
than anyone else in the world. I mean my boys are down
for me, and they always will be, but my mom is the only
female that is really down for me. She is there on every
court date and answers every collect call, sends me
mail.
I know that when you're out there you can get caught
up in the homies and the hoochies, but in the end, your
mom is the only one putting money on your books and
clothes on your back.
Appreciate (your mom) her before you leave the
house. Tell her how much you love her. Give her a hug
and a kiss, since she is the reason you are here. Don't be
scared, it's just a room full of muelja birds. Homies, stay
up. Mom, keep your head up!
-Amit , Santa Cruz
From The Beat: You know; and your mom knows, and we know; that you
don't want to cause her pain. But as long as you're harming yourself,
her pain will continue. She'll always wonder if there isn't something
she could have done to save you from the grief you cause yourself,
and others, by being a Solja Boy. When you're a soldier, someone else
is always giving the orders, and in your case, they're bad orders. If you
want a good life, start by imagining what a good life would be like.
From there, you take the steps, one at a time, that will get you where
you want to be. It always involves accepting help from others. So be
open to that. When you're doing well, your mom will be happy. It's that
simple, and that difficult. Are you ready for some hard work?
LI
My Autobiography
\
You wanna know some of my life, so here we go. I was
born in General Hospital in San Francisco. That's where
my mom worked for hecka long. But yeah, from my birth,
I lived in Oakland.
I went to Castlemont Elementary School. I loved that
school to death. I had hecka. One day while going to school,
this little Mexican girl was severely raped, and hung on
the school playground. That was very traumatizing - real
talk. From there I had to learn how to stay on my toes.
From 6th - 8th grade I went to Sobrante Middle
School. I had to chunk 'em with females nonstop, 'cause
that's just how it is.
I got jumped a few times, but it didn't phase me
because you win some, you lose some.
The cops out there are different. They better out here.
They will blurp you for dumb stuff. But yeah, I hated when
our house would get raided on "task force Tuesdays" due
to "suspicious activity."
The main thing that drove us away from the town was
all the drive bys and murders. Everyday somebody getting
popped, or was gonna get popped, and it gets real ugly.
My parents seen us heading down that road, so we
skated on out to a safer city, San Jose.
In 8th grade, I went to Joseph George School. Then
graduated and went to Independence.
Now that school house went real talk. The people was
coo' and I wasn't the only person that wasn't born here.
So I started kicking it with the bad people out here that
stayed burning. That's all I did, all day, everyday. Then
they kept telling me about robbing and burglaries.
In Oakland, you can't really rob like that because the
people you gonna rob probably got a AK or 22 or Rueger
or 45 or - you get the point. So from then I was a stick
up kid. I lightweight hate it because it got me here with
a strike - 2nd degree robbery with an armed weapon. I'm
glad 'cause you learn from your mistakes.
-The Real Deal, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is one heck of an autobiography. With time to think
about things, we wonder if you've been reflecting on this whole business
of robbing people. Sounds like the only reason you didn't jump into the
business in Oakland is because you were afraid your victims might be
armed. Has it occurred to you that there are other reasons, additional
reasons, not to rob people, anywhere, anytime? Would you want to be
robbed? Would you want your grandmother to be robbed - anywhere,
anytime, by anyone, ever? These are just a few of our thoughts after
reading your powerful piece. Your parents clearly want better for you
than that. They were infilling to move the whole family to make life
better for you. We hope you'll give a lot of thought to the idea of what
a really good life might look like. You can't get to a good place until you
know where and what it is. Take some time to dream. Imagine a really
good life. Then talk with us about it. Many thanks for your story.
Auto
lly
X
Growin' up sellin' drugs thinking its nothin' but fun,
Walkin' to the store gotta carry a gun,
I got my spot but I'm gettin' the tattoo removed,
Growin' up in the hood so robbin' the best thang to do,
Me and my brother grew up on our own,
Started snortin' whiff as a young teen,
When 9th grade came I gave up and quit school,
Gram's couldn't do nothin' 'cause she wasn't able to
move,
Went to group homes but start runnin' away,
So I'm back in the streets thro win' my life away,
Grandma gone, Moms had a heart attack,
Now I'm in the jail cell
Thinkin' about the good times we had...
-LIT Dj, Alameda
The Beat Within: You've been through it all, stood tall stood small and
now the times are telling you to change, will you take that call?
I
SIWl
7 nn
//////
SPECIAL KAY
\
I would like to tell you what happen to special Kay. . .
What's up I'm Kayleen, her goody two shoes side
"grins".
She came out of her momma's stomach the day of
December 6, 1991, yeah I know she's young. Her mother
kept her until she was six months then she left, poor
baby abandoned at a park. Not having a choice of what to
do, then a stranger came along and dialed 911 then next
thing "Child Haven" (a group home) she stayed there for
another six months.
After that her grandma adopted, and from then on
everything was good. She had her uncles all the time,
but then around when she was 10 almost turning 11 her
favorite uncle died then one year later her other uncle left
for the "spirit world".
As they call it, "Man! 'F' the dam spirit world!" she had
to leave her place where she grew up, Albuquerque at 12
years old, a clean slate. She knew the wrong people, so
they say. She smoked weed before when she was maybe 5
or 6, but she never tried it on a daily basis. She saw liquor
before, but she never tasted it. Kayleen knew what coke
was, but she never sniffed it.
All these new things, she knew they were wrong but
she like the idea of being a bad kid.
She got all caught up thinking she was in love though
it was puppy love. Ditching class just to be with him in
the hall way, she see's it like "Romeo and Juliet" like the
Montague's and the Capulet's their families were alike,
but thank God the story didn't end the same. Instead of
dying they got separated, she went further north and he
went further south.
Still having the urge to party she was still on the
wrong boat. From smoking weed to stealing bottles, her
party life was on.
Trying to ditch the cops, but she wasn't fast enough
for the K-9's, she got caught up and came to the D-home.
In and out she went, she got out and now she's back in for
a fifteen-day evaluation and now she's waiting for when
she gets ou,t so she can get back to her job so she can
stay out of trouble. I just hope she listens.
-Kayleen, Land Of Enchantment
From The Beat: It's heartfelt to hear what your mother did to you as a
baby, but we also hope she listens to these words. Change now before
it is too late, and there is no chance of turning back.
Time For Change
Dad is an alcoholic, in and out my life.
Moms the worker - struggling to maintain through all
the strife.
Never really realized until I got locked up,
how much my life really sucked.
Now, all day in my room, staring at white walls
and hoping soon that I'll get out this place,
slow up my pace and start fresh!
No more messing around until probation is up,
cause I'm sick of this life and always being stuck,
always worrying bout what happens next,
where I'm gonna be and where I'm gonna rest.
That's why I wanna change my ways
so that maybe one day
my mom can be proud
of the son she raised.
I Love you mom.
- Joshua, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is a powerful piece, Joshua. There is nothing more
honorable that wanting to change to make your mother proud - but
also, think about changing for yourself.
\
LI
Life Of A White Boy
\
Up until I was about twelve years old, I lived an all right
life with my dad and step mom. Our family would probably
be considered upper-middle class. It was all right, but I
always somehow knew that it wasn't the life for me.
Then one day my dad decided to kick me out of the
house. He sent me to a boarding school because I was a
"trouble maker". I was there for a little while, but then I
got kicked out of there for getting in too many fights and
being a danger to the other residents.
So then my dad sent me to live with my mom who I
have never met. It was all right at first, but after about a
month, it got all bad. We rarely had food. Sometimes all I
ate for a week was dry cereal and stolen candy. Then we
got evicted and lived on the streets.
It was during this time I got into drugs. I started
smoking weed, doing meth and pretty much anything I
could get my hands on. Then I did some stupid shhh and
got locked up at twelve. Since then I've been in and out of
juvie and group homes.
Every time I get out, I honestly think I'm gonna do
good, but end up screwin' up. I hope this is my last time..
I got only four months 'til I'm eighteen. I'm probably going
into the Navy doing underwater welding.
But I'm out! Pray for me!
-Brandon, San Francisco
From The Beat: Brandon, there's something missing at the beginning
between "it was all right" and "one day my dad decided to kick me
out..." He didn't just wake up one morning and decide to kick you out,
did he? What led up to that? You describe yourself as "a troublemaker,"
but without explaining why you caused trouble at that age, or what
that trouble was. You got into drugs before you were twelve years
old, so it's not a surprise that you would "graduate" to "stupid shhh"
which led you here. When you examine those times when you were out,
promising yourself to do good, can you put your finger on where you
went off the tracks? It requires that kind of self-examination in order to
avoid the same mistakes in the future. It is not enough to "hope" that
this is your last time. It requires a sense of where you need the most
help and a plan to get it. If you don't make a plan for success, you can
be sure that someone else will be making that plan for you!
Keep On Pushing
I keep pushing and pushing
I keep going so deep
In my life things don't go
As planned. I tell my lil* brother
That he don't want be like me.
That's the same thing my brother
Told me but he's dead. I lost
Him to the streets and I don't want to lose myself.
If I do, who my lil' ninja gone look up to if I die?
But I still got a chance 'cause I'm still young. I know
He would be wondering where I'm at when I'm not at
home.
But I keep it gutta with him 'cause that's just me. Where
I'm
From babies crying and daddies are dying. Everybody
Shooting each other. I wish I could move my mom out
The hood but hitting licks and hustling just ain't gone
get it. I gotta
Find a new hustle, a legal one, so my lil' bra won't have
to struggle
Like me. But still I'm gonna keep on pushing 'till they
let me go.
To all keep yo head up that's all I gotta say peace.
-Lil' Damani, Alameda
From The Beat: You really give the readers a sense of where you're
coming from. Do you have any ideas on what you can once you're out
to keep you and your family a little safer? Maybe things you can talk
to your little brother about to make sure he doesn't lose himself to the
streets someday down the line?
I
i^nn
7 //nn
Compassion
\
Where have you been?
I done cussed out staff
Been threatened wit' a pen
Arguing relentlessly
Can't shut up
When I fall down
They make sure I can't get up.
Showing no remorse
Hurting people's feelings
If anger was length
I'd be tall as the ceiling.
They say love is everlasting
Where have you been
I'm looking for compassion.
-Lil' Damani, Alameda
From The Beat: This is a really great piece Damani. You're writing
continues to improve and its so great to see. Keep it up! Your insights
are priceless for you, for us!
RIP to Los: He Was More Than That
Hey beat its yo' boy Shorty from Hay ward. I got to send
out an RIP to one of my fallen homies in Carlos, best
known as Los.
He got shot in a drive-by about two years ago on May
25th. All he was doing was walking home from a late night
party. Some people may think he was just another gang
banger, but he was more than that:
He was an older brother.
He was a straight A student.
He was one of my lil' cousin's role models. My lil'
cousin looked up to him as an older brother because he
didn't have one ...but since Los died now my lil' cousin's
in a gang. He's been in and out of the hall now and since
I am in here doing my time and not out looking out for
him, he's on the block kicking it with the homies, doing
dirt when he should be at home doing his homework...
But that's how it is when you want to be loved. If you
ain't at home getting' it then you got to get it somewhere.
That's why I joined a gang, because I wanted to be loved
by someone. But all we are really doing is throwing our
lives away. So for all those that don't bang, don't start... it
ain't worth it and that from Shorty.
I am out Beat and for all doing time keep your heads
up. Much love Shorty.
-Shorty, Alameda
From The Beat: There is one person your cousin still has to watch out for
him, and that's you. Even though you're locked up, you can write to him
and maybe give him something to think about. No need to preach at
him (no one likes to be told what to do), but maybe by telling him how
much you regret what you've done, or how hard it is being locked up. If
you change your ways, just think of the impact it might have on him!
Different Topic
\
Wha's up with The Beat, though? Well, it's me again,
M&M, up in here just lightweight stressin'. But, feel me,
it's all good.
Well, what I want to talk about is I just had court a day
ago on Monday, and I'm 'bout to go to the Walden House.
So, best believe, I ain't comin' back in this hell hole. Just
do my couple of months at Walden. I really need the help,
like seriously. Plus, I have anger issues and hella other
shhh.
But anyways, I know I can do it. A couple things I
would like to say is I can do it. The program is a couple
months. I could participate and if I do good, I'm gong back
to the house and stay there and not mess up again.
That's how I ended up in here. So now I learned my
lesson. I'ma do what I gotta do and get these home passes,
spend time with moms, and my one and only wife and be
happy.
And that's all I have to say, Beat, so I'm out. I ran out
of ideas, so peace out. And fo' real this time, I'm not going
to be here no more!
-M&M, San Francisco
From The Beat: The reason we think you will succeed at Walden House is
your attitude. You aren't running from the fact that you need help, and
you're looking to find the help you need. Just like when you're looking
for dirt you'll find it, when you're looking for help you'll find that, too.
Don't disappoint yourself! Good luck.
J
M) lite Stir), II New Start ie the 111
Hi my name is Ericka. I am fourteen years old. I am in jail
right now because my group home shut down, so it's not
really my fault that I am here right now.
But the good news is that I am getting out a couple days
after my court date and my court date is June 5th. And I am
going to a group home in Redding (only for 3 months), and
then I could go back home. And my Grandparents told me
when I come back home we are going to move to Atlanta and
my dad and his girlfriend Denise are moving with us. I am so
happy. I get to have a fresh start.
I can't wait to move out of Oakland. 'Cause if I stay in
Oakland I know I am going to go back to being with my old
friends and I don't want to do that again, because I know I
will end up right back here all over again and I don't want to
do that. So I am happy I am moving to Atlanta and getting a
chance to have a fresh start.
I got some more good news. My dad's girlfriend is
pregnant and she's having a baby boy and I am going to have
a baby brother. Ooooh I can't wait until I get out of here and
I only got a week left. So I am going to keep doing good and
continue to do good when I get out and go back home. The
end.
-Ericka, Alameda
From The Beat: Good luck Ericka. It's been a real honor seeing you grow
and mature in these walls, and we hope that with the love and support
of your family you blossom in Atlanta. Drop us a line, there will always
be a page for you at The Beat Within!
EmnnnmE mmm
//f/Sf
My Story
x r
My big-time publisher is about a map with my life, but
hope that my family would make my life easier than it is.
I hope there is a life book, well my own book, but it's in
The Beat Within and my plans are that my family make
moves for themselves and not leave me behind.
My wish is that God comes with my family and brings
us a new life, and at times I wish I was never alive to see
the future.
In my dreams, when I die, I hope that I can see my
Grandma and my Uncle up in heaven.
I also wish that my family makes it through these
times because it hurts me so bad, and at times I feel like
crying or punching the wall. That's what makes me feel
good, but it hurts me so bad that I wish my family would
get together to make things better than what they are.
-Destiny
From The Beat: Do what you have to in order to make change. If you
continue on the same path things will only get worse. The fact that you
are alive to see the future, make it a future you want to live.
My life
I look back at my life and wonder how I made it this far
and its hard to think of the past, but then I remember if I
can get through the rape, the shooting, the beating, and
being locked up, I can get through anything.
I just have to keep my eyes open and my head up and
never let it fall. If it does fall the only one that can pick it
up is me. You can lean on anyone else, but me.
-LIT Angel
From The Beat: This does sound like a past no one would want to live,
but remember there is help out there. There are many people willing to
help you get over the bumps in the road, seek the help don't try doing
it on your own.
Soundtrack Of My Life
I write sins not tragedies - Panic at The Disco - punk
rock
Take me higher - Cold Play - alternative / rock
Twisted - Keith Sweat - R & B
Candy kisses - Amanda Peres - Hip hop
Never let you go - NB Riders _ Hip hop R & B
Brocka - Seether - Rock
Sans l'amour - Mc Solar - French / Rap
Personally I listen to anything that has a meaning that
I can relate to, to be included on my Tracks you need to
involve something with love or the need to make your self
better, which is what I aim for every day.
Regarding the genre of music I really have no
preferences because I listen to anything you can possibly
think of.
-Stephen
From The Beat: This is the best thing you can do, never limit yourself.
The more variety you have the better, because its better to have multiple
options then it is to only have one.
My Biography
\
My life began in a small town in Indiana called Seymour,
from there I traveled the world and have been to places
many people never see in their entire lifetime, such as
the Swiss Alps in Switzerland or the Great Minoan Palace
of Knossos in Crete, or even the Ancient Roman City of
Rome.
All of it I have see and done as a child and daily I
yearn to return to the places of my childhood. But since
returning here to the US I've just run into nothing but
trouble, most of it so far has been my family who are
caught up with drugs or are under the influence of alcohol
or a gambling addiction, which I have tried to persuade
to them to quit, but I came up unsuccessful. These set
backs have cost me a lot, but some of it I can only blame
myself. Such as when my girlfriend and I had our son,
Jonah, he is my dream, I always wanted a little one to
raise as my own to show him the world as I saw it as a
child, but I made a mistake, his mother wants to stay a
teenager having fun, while I wanted to sit down and have
a family.
In the end she cheated on me and I took her motives
the wrong way and got caught up with the law.
-Stephen
From The Beat: The beginning of your life is a life most can only dream
about young and old alike. Get over you minor set back, and start fresh.
Let your child live and see as you did as a child.
My Hyphy Music
When I'm feel'n hyphy I'll put on some Mac Dre
When I feel like smoking I'll put on some Lil'Wayne
When I feel like crying I'll put on some Aaliyah
When I feel like I'm in love I'll put on some Nivea
When I'm feelin' mad I'll put on some DMX
When I'm at a party I'll put on a party mix
When I feel like fighting I'll put on some Bone Crusher
When I feel like chillin' out I'll put on some Usher
I listen to these rappers 'cause what they say is real
One certain song can say exactly how I feel
So if I'm feelin' mad or like partying or just want to chill
If there's nothing to calm me down I know my music
will.
-Da Bay Gurl
From The Beat: Its good that you can relate your life to the music you
hear. Its also good that you can use music to calm you down, stay out
of trouble so you can pursue a music carrier and become the rapper you
often speak about in your writings.
All Kinds Of Tunes
x
J L
I listen to all different kinds of music. The music I listen
to depends on my mood. If I feel aggressive, I listen to
hard rock or heavy metal. When I am depressed, I listen
to country or oldies.
I listen to rap mostly because it is inappropriate
and I can relate to it. Most rap talks about relationships
that go wrong, drugs, money, or gangs. My life
has revolved around all those things. I guess it's what
comforts me and is familiar.
-Lil' Deezy
From The Beat: You stated that your life "has revolved around all those
things", which are drugs, money, and gangs. Being comfortable doesn't
always guarantee safety. We suggest you step out of what's familiar
and surround yourself with a respectable environment.
7 It A A/W V MSJMMfm ////
//// //
Stuck Lost
Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck in this mess,
surrounded by emotions and filled with stress.
Can't make sense of the smokeclouds disguised
as thoughts, and day after day I see
my empty mailbox. But I guess
'out of sight, out of mind' is what they say.
Sitting here stuck - I'm the only one to blame.
Like, I'm locked out in the rain,
so I guess I'll just wing it.
I'm thinkin' of them, but what are they thinkin'?
I'm trippin' like I'm just lost in the wind.
Wake up call for breakfast -
that's how my day begins.
Time still spins, but I'm lost in the shadows.
Stuck in here - a solo witness to bloody battles.
Through these eyes I've seen victory as well as defeat.
Counting down the days 'til I return to my one love -
aka - the streets.
-Mike
From The Beat: Another epic Mike. You're on a roll. When you put your
brain to it and your heart into it, you write some terrific pieces. We
don't have to agree with you to acknowledge your writing power. For
instance, we'd like to believe you have something, some one, better to
love than the streets. But we sure do admire the power in your pen.
As I
Mob Down
mob down the street bumping music, I got the
muscle to hustle. And I'm mobbing with my plastic toy. I
dream of getting rich as I knock them off my map. They're
going nowhere up this road as I scratch my hair thinking
about these stories. I'm doing evil things and then I creep
like the game Halo. And something says: don't go. And
now I'm sitting in the hall. Who's to blame?
-Salad
From The Beat: We think you know the answer to the question your well
turned poem asks.
Truth
Hightimes feel low.
Neva feel afraid
to let my lyrics go.
And I said:
Jah knows that I've tried.
Surrounded by love and hate
built upon lies,
but won't cry,
and they know
the truth is what I speak.
So, my story is told.
From The Beat: Tell us more of your story, tell us more of your truth.
\
-s
Like Music
My life is like music, some bad, some good. Staring at
my knuckles, feeling sick of always being in trouble. At
times I feel weak, with no muscle. Feeling hollow, like
plastic. I dream of so many things, like being at the beach
with girls near my reach. I take a nap as I read a map.
I'm in the middle of nowhere, on a dirt road, with hair in
my mouth. Make a long story short - I was at my house,
playing halo.
-Omar
From The Beat: We don't know what playing halo means, but we sure
like your poem. This is what we would call a surreal prose poem. Nice
work.
By Myself
\
Living with no regrets, I came into this world by myself
and I'm going out by myself. Don't believe in no friends.
I'm creeping in silence with no trail to follow me. I'm just
trying to make my money on the downlow. I may talk hella
sh**, hit you in the lip, but who am I to trip?
-Mr. K
From The Beat: Hey, hitting folks in the lip will send you on a trip you
don't want to go on. Also, we know you have friends. So what's with
this piece?
Patience
t come
e I made
I run out of patience when people act dumb. I didn'
here by losing my patience. I came here because
dumb decisions. But I'm not going to sit here and cry
about it. You just have to do your time without worrying
about everybody, because when you come in here I don't
-Thomas
From The Beat: Did you lose patience with yourself when you made
really think anybody cares but your family.
those dumb decisions?
Patience
I am
Something that make me lose my patience is when
trying to do something, but I can't. I might start doing
whatever I was doing, but I can't finish it - so that's when
I lose my patience. Another one is when I'm at a doctor's
appointment, or something that has to do with waiting
I in line, or something like that. When they take forever,
that's when I start losing my patience, and I start saying
sh**, and leave. The point is - I don't have patience for
stuff like that - I mean nothing. I have some, but only for
a little bit, and then I start losing it.
I -Leo
From The Beat: Hey Leo, we knew some people who had no patience for
traffic jams, until they realized that they could look around at everyone
else, sharing the same predicament. Then it became fun, watching the
ways that other people had for dealing with a situation like that. Your
piece caused us to ask ourselves some questions. We started wondering
why people get impatient. Is it because they imagine they have better
things to do than to be where they themselves decided to be? If they
have better places to be, why did they make the decision to be in the
place that's driving them nuts, in the first place? We're not sure we
know the answers. We think we'll start asking some people who seem
to have a lot of patience what makes them tick. In the meantime, you
might examine your own behavior. Could be the answer is only a dose
of honesty away.
Wl
Bad Break
I am
-
What's up Beat? This is your boy Michael. Well,
going to tell you why I am here again. Well, my probation
officer let me out on May 17th on the EMP.
The first day on the EMP I was at home cutting my
primo's hair when a car full of my rivals drove by, pulled
out a gun and taunted me with it. My primo came out of
nowhere and threw something at the car. They left like
little b's.
On May 20th I got jumped while walking back from
the metro station. My girlfriend was telling them fools to
stop hitting me, but they didn't. So I got charged with a
violation of probation because they broke the moniter off
of my ankle. Now I am here.
-Michael The Big Brother
From The Beat: Michael - its terrible to say, but it sounds like juvy is a
much safer place for you than the streets. How is it that you have so
many enemies? You and your family and your PO, and any other folks
who might be of help, need to come up with a plan to keep you safe.
You can't keep going on like this. Is your own behavior contributing to
the predicament you find yourself in? What can you do to smooth things
out? We really want to know. We want you to be safe.
f
mnnasBmammm ////
//// //
X
None Of These Topics
None of these topics interest me, so I'm going to write
about something else. What I trip on is why people
think they're all big and bad on the outs, but they turn
into punks when they get locked up. They want to start
complaining when they get locked up. I mean, if you think
you're the sh**, stay solid when you're locked up. People
want to say they're turning to God, changing their lives,
and stopping gangbanging. I got no respect for them at
all. They put gangbanging to shame. I've been locked up
a lot, since I started when I was fourteen. I turned 15 and
16 while I was locked up, or in group homes. Now I'm
turning 17 in the hall, or in another group home. And I
ain't changing a bit. I been shot in my chest and the bullet
went out through my back. See, I'm a real "can't stop,
won't stop", staying solid, with no remorse, no regrets.
-Andrew
From The Beat: People must tell you often that you're lucky to be alive.
A few inches one way or another and you wouldn't have survived. You
were given another chance to live. And now you tell us you're a "can't
stop, won't stop" kind of guy, with no regrets and no remorse. Here's
a test. If you were to have a child, (and for argument's sake, lets say
your child is a boy) would you want him to be in and out of juvy and
group homes? Would you want your child to be a gangbanger, living
on the streets and fearing for his life? We're pretty sure you wouldn't.
And we're pretty sure you'd like a better life, too. You've had a rough
time, and not all of it has been your fault. You've done your best to
survive, and it hasn't been easy. But you have survived. You are alive.
And the kids you talk about in your piece, who are trying to find a way
to change their lives - they've had a hard time, too. We know that you're
all working hard, without the opportunities that lots of kids have had,
just to survive. What we want to tell you is that there is a better way
to do it, even though it may seem bleak right now. It doesn't involve
magic. It involves hard work and a willingness to be open to a better
life. It involves having faith that there are people who would help you,
if you accepted their help. We know it isn't easy. We know there's been
a lot of unfairness in your life. But we promise you - it could be better.
Let us know if you'd like to have the kind of life we know you'd want
your own child to have. Maybe, in some small way, we can help you to
reimagine your future. That's the beginning of a better life - to imagine it
/ should have just lived a nor-
mal hoif's life, hut I chose
wrong,
Watsonville And My Life
I was born in Watsonville, CA. I was raised by my mom
and dad. Then they separated and I left with my dad.
I was eleven years old then and I have had the gangster
mentality ever since. I was in Las Vegas, but I really
wanted to go home to my Mom's house in Watsonville. I
came back there when I turned 15. I started gang-banging.
Putting it down for our kind, in the end, is not worth it.
It's a big waste of time to be in here. I really hope
for the best for myself. Now I don't know when I might
get out. For now, I'm going to stay strong. This is my
mentality. I should have just lived a normal boy's life,
but I chose wrong. For the Raza that has a chance- take
advantage of your opportunities. You only live once. Stop
and think, Homie. If you do the crime, be sure you can do
the time.
-Andres
From The Beat: You want to change - change your 'mentality'. Everything
we do, or make, starts in the mind, as an idea. This "gangsta" business
is located on a dead end street. Its the same as saying - I refuse to use
the gift of my mind. It's like being in a plane, aiming for a mountain,
turning on the automatic pilot, and taking a snooze. You're headed for
a crash, unless you wake up. We know you don't really want to crash
- so - wake up Andres. Grab the wheel. Start steering your life in the
direction you really want it to go.
It's A Trip
\
As I start to feel control slip from my grasp
I try to think quick, before I act fast.
Like damn, I'm trippin'. I need to start thinkin'.
It's better to be silent than to regret after lippin',
because words come with great regret
if they are used thoughtlessly.
Experienced it first hand. It's like a prophecy.
It's wisdom from the mouth of a youngster.
Seen a lot of stuff pass. Like damn, it makes me wonder
what's really going on and how should I react to this.
Slow down, homeboy. Talkin' to myself.
I'm startin to trip.
Am I talkin' to myself,
or is myself talkin' to I.
Now remember son - real men never cry.
-Mike
From The Beat: Thinking before you act - that is indeed wise. Are you
beginning to get the hang of it - of thinking before you act? And you
are right about speaking carelessly, too. The only thing we disagree
with you on, in your piece, is that bit about crying. Real men do cry.
They know that if we can't let some of our emotions out through tears,
they're apt to stay bottled up inside us and fester and make us sick -
sick with grief, or sadness, or regret. Real men do cry.
This Is How
(after lines by Jorge Luis Borges)
I walk slowly
like one who comes from so far
he doesn't expect to arrive,
nor live, or survive.
So he struggles to strive
through thick or thin.
He never cries, or runs from lies.
He's headed towards the pen
for a crime he wasn't in.
But who cares for our lives?
This is how we survive.
From The Beat: Good writing Trent,
surprised how many people do care.
-Trent
Good poem. By the way, you'd be
So I Continue
-
The life I'm in is all a game,
except there ain't no time to press pause.
The dope, the guns, the gang I'm in
is all the same
so I continue to do what I do.
Money is what I pursue.
Life long dreams is what I've never had,
locked up and incarcerated is all a drag.
Life as I know it will never be sad.
Posted on the block trying to get rid of a bag.
Partying and drinking's what makes me glad.
Glad to be alive as I strive to stay alive
From rough times that I've survived.
-T
From The Beat: Get real T. Your life is not a game. If you don't like being
incarcerated, you have to change your behavior. You're a smart fellow
and it's not that this is bad writing. It's quite clever. But you've always
been clever. That's not the point. And being clever isn't enough to get
you the life you deserve. You say you've never had life long dreams. Why
not? You can start dreaming right now. What would you really like out
of life? Knowing that is the beginning. Getting there is the fun, and it's
what a good life is really about. Do some thinking, some dreaming, and
let us know what you come up with. We've been around the block a few
times. We might be able to make a few decent suggestions, offer you a
roadmap, maybe.
f
EmnnnnE msmmm
PJSf //
Repping My Music
x
The thing I like about my music is that it represents
where I'm from. The kind of music I like is gang banging
music.
I also like the oldies. My family likes oldies more
than other music. Whenever I listen to my oldies, my
family enjoys it too. Whenever I play my other music, my
family always turns it off and may even break my CD's.-
-Leo
From The Beat: We're with you on the oldies, but we're with your family
on the gangbanging stuff. Do they really break your CDs? We wouldn't
go that far. We'd try to introduce you to other music. Music may be the
oldest art we human beings have made. We were probably singing to
ourselves even before scrathing images on the walls of our caves. The
world is full of music. And if we listen to the best, it helps us to become
better people.
Just Chillin
sd
What's up Beat? Im just chillin' here at the hall, passed
up by these fools. I'm just wanting to go home in a few
weeks. I plan to start school again once I get out. I know
it will be hard, but I know it will be cool, once I hit the
outs.
I have a lot of support when I get out, so that's one
reason for me to think it will all be cool. I have to go now,
so- peace.
-J
From The Beat: Peace to you, too. We're glad you have support. You're
a lucky guy.
Might Get Out
What's up Beat? I don't know really what to say. I might
get out tomorrow. When I get out I'm going to go back to
school. I also plan to not come back to this place. The
things I don't like about this place is the people telling
me what to do, what to wear and how to take a shower.
I hate it when they tell me what to eat. I just hate this
place. That's all I got to say for this week.
-Tis
From The Beat: We wish you good fortune. If you don't like juvy, then
straighten up. Don't come back.
Hola
\
I sit in my room drinking Coca Cola. I'm a Mexican in a
200, no, more like a horse in a barn. I walk everywhere
with my chanclas con mi amigo peblo and rigo, playing
bingo with my tacos and burritos. I close my eyes and
I see Jose and his dad driving a pick-up with K Mart
hoodcaps. I tell them to take me to Chack In The Box, but
instead they drive me to a mailbox and give me the book
- Cat In The Hat.
-Omar
From The Beat: With your imagination, you could go anywhere, and do,
Good writing.
)k
ar
You Can't Be Me
You know not
What not is
Do not fear death
Do not hate
Do not judge
For you are not one to judge
Do not hate the game
Or the player of the game
These walls cannot contain me
These windows can't conceal
I'm out tomorrow for a HI' break
But back later on in the day
This shhh is real
But the food I eat to taste life
The shhh I shhh out
Don't mess with me
You can't be me
Just shut the hell up
An' smoke it like it's black
-Fbi
From The Beat: You're right, no one can be you, and you may not judge
others or yourself, as you imply. But, to carry this further, who are you
to tell anyone not to hate anyone or to fear death? Why shouldn't s/he?
If someone does something hideous, why shouldn't you feel whatever
it is you naturally feel, including hate? If you love your life, what's
wrong with fearing to be off the earth forever? You may have learned
much wisdom in your life, but aren't you already making judgments
about those who don't agree with you by implying that they're either
misguided or wrong?
Oh, Geez
This is ho place for this heaM-
tifMl tfomg ladtf!
Well, Beat! I'm sitting here with my mind in a twist. I got
so much stuff on my mind right now. Wait for my next
court (June 6th.) I've already been told that I'm going to
placement, I just have to wait to be assigned to a new PO,
for them to find me a place to place me, and when the hell
I'm gone go. Damn, I needa leave this weak juvy, and start
my program, 'cause I'ma have too much waiting for me.
- Queen Bee
From The Beat: How do you feel about being sent away from home? Do
you have a whole life already going for you back home that you'll really
miss? Or do you think getting away from any mess that exists in your
life now will help you deal with it when you come home? How do you
plan to deal with your whole new life in your placement, wherever
ends up being?
U
My First Time
I'm locked up an' they won't let me out! I've learned a
lot while I've been here. Being locked up is some serious
shhh! I miss my family and I miss my homies!
I've had more than enough time to think. I've thought
about pretty much everything there is to think about.
It's kinda self-healing... he he! All I gotta say, though, is
that I took my freedom for granted and I'm not gone be
back here. This is no place for this beautiful young lady!
I have too many goals in life and I know I'm'a be a very
successful person in life! Cain't wait to get the hell outta
here!
-Ladie Butlers
From The Beat: One thing about juvy is that it does give you a chance
to really chill out and analyze the life you're living on the outs. You're
only talking to yourself, so you don't have to front for anybody. Can you
ask yourself, is this life what you really want? If its not, be honest with
yourself, so you can find the strength to change it.
'kM:iiM'i*kd£t MM / //
WZMMMMMEEEF "" "
Locked Up Again
Locked up again. Last time I got out for two months on
the bracelet, then messed up ten days after I got off and
got locked up for being drunk, just like every other time
I come in. I'm in here with my sis again. I'm Anna go to
placement, so my PO's letting me get out on the bracelet
again, for the third time. I'm gonna stop drinking, but still
doing most of the same shhh besides getting drunk.
-Chub
From The Beat: What's really going on in your life that hurts you so
much that you drink to soak up the pain? Can you find someone to
talk to, either a counselor in juvy, someone in your family, whom you
trust and talk out what's causing you to suffer so much? Maybe that
will help.
The Shining Star And The Dark Night
You are the shining star in the sky
I am dark night
You need me as much as I need you
Every night I get to see you
And you see me
You are the morning shine
And I am the dark shadows in the morning shine
You are the light that brightens my room
I am the person who sleeps with the bright light on
Because I'm scared to lose you
You are the smile of a newborn baby
While I am the sadness of that newborn baby
Because he wants his toy
Nobody ever thought that we could ever be
Even though I'm in here and you out there
I can still find hope
When I reminisce of the way you smile
Te amo (I love you)
You take away the clouds
And make the sky blue
When I think of you all
All I can say is "I love you"
-Marlon
From The Beat: Since this lady means so much to you, why do risk your
relationship by leaving her behind when you mess up somehow and get
arrested? How is she managing without you?
Stunna Boys
I'ma brand new stunna boy
Fresh out the wrapper
I'm gettin' older now
So I mess wit' factors
If stuntin' is a habit, Brodi
Put it in the air
If you on like me, bra bra
Shake yo' hair
Chips in my right pocket
Dope in my left
It's hard out here
Younguns losin' they breath
They can tell where I'm from
By the way I act
A few folks know us
I'ma put (my neighborhood) on the map
Stunna boys stand up, go dumb and shout!
Yee-afer, cuss words from my mouth
-J
From The Beat: You say that Stunna Boys is your rap crew, and you are
a good rapper, but what is your life like beyond being hyphy? How does
the life you're living, including the drugs in your pocket, relate to the
youngstas losing their lives ("breath," as you write)?
X
Sunshine Kiss
Your smile is sweet
Your voice is calm
Your arms are open
To keep me from harm
Sunshine kiss
Sweet and deceiving
Fake and wrong
A lie, but pleasing
Sunshine kiss
So unpleasant
I thought it was love
But I was wrong
Sunshine kiss
That sunshine kiss
I truly once miss
I don't miss any more
I'm closing the door
And locking it
Don't come knocking
Leave me alone
-Kendra
From The Beat: A sweet kiss should mean that someone truly loves you,
but when you learn that this guy is playing you, it can hurt to the depth
of your being. Even if you know he's the fool, not you, it can still fill you
with pain. Can you just be proud that you don't resort to deceit, and
that you only show someone you love him when you really do? Being
alone for a minute, while you heal, is probably the healthiest thing you
can do now.
-
Toe Way Viii Mess With Me
No one could mess with me
The way you do
I've been havin' a long day
Since I don't go to school
You see me at night
'Cause you know
No one's gonna see that sight
You and me
What would they think?
Not another boy's life
Drained down the sink
Yeah, we have sex
But it's not the same
'Cause I'm too complex
And you're tryin' to get away
You tell me your dreams and fears
Only while sipping on a beer
Smokin' that dank
You know it's disrespectful
To blow smoke my way, 'cause
I'm tryin' to be sober
At least one more day
Just enough time
So I don't get caught
To ask me to pee in a bottle
Should be a crime
Just another way society
Can try an' make sure we're all in society
It's all a lie
'Cause they know we get high
-Amelia
From The Beat: Why don't you go to school? Why do you let this guy mess
with you? He sounds like he's not a terrific influence on you, especially
if he offers you stuff to drink when he knows you're struggling to stay
sober.
//// //
My Music: Pay Attention
The Gucci Mane CD
\
I like my music because it has some of the situations
I went through in my lifetime. Or most of the time it
talks about the things I do, like having money and cars,
basically living the good life.
If I had to explain to my grandmother or teacher
or counselor I would tell them to pay attention to the
struggles they go through and what they had to do to get
to where they are.
People express themselves through their music. Like
Lil Boosie said "You don't know my struggle so you cant
feel my hustle"
-Young Teddy
From The Beat: Do you really feel like the best rap is about having
money and cars? Because that's way different from the struggle. It
seems like a lot of rap is about wanting the good life, but not knowing
how to get it. For you, for example, you're a lot deeper than just money
and cars. What are the deepest flows you know (or write?)
RIP Cell
\
On June 19 is my bra' Cell's birthday. But I might still
be in here. It's been two years since he passed away, and
I miss him every day. Stuff ain't been the same.
I been on some hot stuff, in and out, but now they
got me, and they are trying to hold me. I just want to say,
Happy Birthday Cell.
-Tie
From The Beat: We remember how many young people mourned
Marcelluss tragic death in The Beat. Two years later, if you really want
to honor his memory, make your life one he would be happy to see. You
still have a chance to do better, be happier, and be free. Take it!
Stop Judiini Me
X
Only God can judge me, no one else. If it came to it some
of y'all judging me I would probably be dead or gone. If I
was gone wouldn't nobody in here care.
So I don't care how y'all feel back. I don't need none
of y'all. Y'all wouldn't even know me once I get out of
here. Once I get out of here I will never come back.
Tomorrow I hope I can get out and live my life as a
changed person. If I could go back, I would go see who
was the person who got robbed and see who did it and
stop them in they act. I just wanna go home to my family
and never come back here. I pray to God that he will help
me in my trial and get this past me.
-Charles
From The Beat: It's good to keep firm and not let negativity bring you
down... but don't turn your back on everyone. There may be people
that love you even as they hate your actions, and those people aren't
judging you, they're just trying to get you on track. Do you have people
like that in your life?
All on Lockdown
\
What's up Beat,
Well, this Arave from Oakland. Well, today we're on
lockdown for some stupid shhh but the problem is that we
all get punished for shhh that we didn't do. They should
punish the people that did it. But that's what happens
when you in Maximum Security Unit.
Well, its hella stressful because we always in our
room, don't come out, and we even got to eat in our
rooms. Well, yeah, Im out Beat.
-Arave
From The Beat: Sorry to hear you all on lockdown. But it's good that you
wrote the stress out instead of going bad in your room. We hope that at
least writing it out helped you a little.
My favorite music is Rap and R&B. One day when I was
in my room, I was slappin' some Gucci Mane "Big Cat
Laflare" and my granny walked in and was like, who is
that on the radio? Then I told her, next thing you know
one day I come home from school and ma granny slappin
my Gucci Mane CD and walkin around the house dancing.
When my mama got home she told me to turn it down and
I'm like that's yo' mama not me.
-Tesharra
From The Beat: That's a really funny story Tesharra. It's great how
sometimes music can cross generations and a teenager and senior
citizen can relate to the same song. Do you think you and your granny
liked the CD for the same reason? Does her liking your music make you
think differently about her at all?
■
Bin in Sati Rita
\
My life all started at 1:13 p.m. on the afternoon of Sept.
24, 1992. The world I was awakened to would be a life no
one would ever plan. . . I was born in Santa Rita Corrections
Facility, otherwise known as "Rita".
When I was just two months old I was brought before
a judge and declared a ward of the State of California.
Other memories are very vivid. My first memory was when
I was three years old... I was in a cage. All I remember is
this guy called my name and I realized I was on earth.
By the year's end I and my three siblings had been
to several placements & homes. When I was 7 I found
my first gun, a .38. I then was on a road to destruction
and chaos. Now I'm 15 years old and home been to our
37 placements and 8 different foster homes... That is
Momo's life in the beginning, but there will be an end.
To be continued...
-Lil' Momo
From The Beat: We are definitely looking forward to seeing the rest of
this story, and finding out who were the people you connected with
most in your life so far. Have you ever found out the history of your
birth parents? Are you close to your foster parents? We're waiting for
part 2!
My Insight
My name is Marina. My perspective of Juvenile Hall is
that once you get in the system it's gonna be hard to get
out. The first time I went to the hall I was 12, and ever
since then the police been on me like it's the thing to
do.
I got three felony charges and best to believe I wish I
ain't never did any crimes. The court was trying to charge
me as an adult if I was to plead guilty but I didn't, so I got
court in June.
I'm sixteen now and unfortunately it took me five
years to understand that you're not gonna be lucky every
time and get out. I may sound like a square but I guarantee
I ain't no sucka. I don't go to school because I got ex-
spelled from nine different schools. I first got ex- spelled
in ninth grade, I'm supposed to be in the 11th grade. I
used to waste my life smoking all day and kicking it, but
real soon that's gonna get old.
I now think what I'm gonna do in two years, because I
wasted my life so much that I don't know what I'm going
to be when I grow up. Luckily E.Y.C (Hay ward Community
Day School) let me back in because my mom told the
principle my situation. Basically what I'm saying is open
your eyes before it's too late.
-Marina
From The Beat: We hope you do well at that school, because everything
you write for The Beat shows a person of unlimited heart, talent, and
potential. Finishing high school should be just the first step in an
ambitious plan to get past these setbacks find your way to the top.
.
' sEnnnasB mmmm
7nnnnzzMZZMzm2EZZ7 //// //
Locked Up
I'm in my room hella bored, ain't shhh to do. The
supervisor hella scandalous cause he took everything
from us.
We can't have shhh but one book. They stripped our
rooms today and took everything in our room, even our
bibles and some pictures we had of our family. Staff is
outta pocket for that. Everybody goin' bad on staff.
-Eight-Deuce
From The Beat: Sorry to hear that you got your stuff taken. We hope you
get it back quick, and that the time waiting wasn't too rough.
Ibe Life
X
Man it's the kid, Lil' Solid and my autobiography is
crazy, 'cause I was
a good kid 'till I was bout 11 years old.
I got a lil' older and wasn't into hanging out or having
friends but then I got' 'em in the 6th grade, and I was
cutting school, getting high, fighting and everything else
I could get into.
As time went on, I got worse, and then I finally
stopped 'cause Jun 8, 2004 my brother died when I was
away. Then I just just all stopped caring and since then
caring and I been doing hella shhh.
Like once me and my got into a lot of things which
led us to a lot of trouble like being in camp and him and
him being in max to this day. For sho' we both through
'cause this jail shhh most definitely isn't for us... so I'm
gon' make sure we keep it that way.
-Lil' Solid
From The Beat: The big topic at the end of this piece is of course: HOW
are you gonna make sure you keep it that way? That's what we want to
hear, because we want to know what kind of plan you have set up for
your future success.
Back To A Group Home
What good Beat? It's your boy Lil' One from Hayward...
today was a good and bad day at the same time.
The main reason that today was a good day was
because I went to court and they told me that I'm going
back to a group home instead of going to the "Y," aka
CYA.
So that's why today was a good day., the reason it
was a bad day was cause I'm here sitting in these county
clothes. I don't know why, this is just what I felt like
writing so I'm gone. ..much love.
-LIT One
From The Beat: We are always happy to get good news from you. What
do you know about this group home, and do you think you will succeed
there? What will be easy? What will be challenging?
M) lirtllay Weekend
X
What's up Beat, I am going to tell you what I did on my
home visit.
I went home at 8:00 a.m. Then I called my dad to see
how he was doing.
Then I called my girl... oh yeah, it was my birthday
Saturday. So yeah I called my girl she came over we stayed
in my room for about an hour having fun. Then she cut,
my dad came over he brought a cake I ate it. Then at 4:00
pm I went home.
My home pass wasn't that good but it was special
because it was my birthday.
-Whisper
Congratulations! We're so glad you got to be with your family and girl
- and get a cake from your dad. That is exactly what makes a birthday
special ... the love!
-
Poetical
\
My music is very poetical.
I think poetical music is rap.
The reason why I say rap is poetical is because rap is
meaningful and poems are meaningful too.
-Devante
From The Beat: Rap and poetry are the same thing, trying to put the
music in the words to speak our hearts ups and downs. Do you write
poetry and if you do, step and give some to The Beat?
This is It!
I can't believe I'm in this jail again. I didn't do anything
wrong. I feel like my grandmother hates me and wants
me to be in here. I wish I had at least one family member
that I could say is actually on my side but there isn't.
I love my family and would never put them through as
much as they have put me through.
When I do get out, I know what to do different. I know
that my grandmother only pushes my buttons because
she knows I have a temper but that's ok because as long
as I ignore her and go to school and follow her rules I will
be on the outside free.
When I go back to court on June 10th I hope the judge
will give me another chance to prove myself a responsible
young lady. Being in jail is making me miss more school
and that's not good. I feel like I'm in the 11th grade but
won't graduate from 12th. I can't see myself going to
college. I would like to.
I have a little over three weeks to get myself together
and I know I can do it. Just as long as I stay trying.
-MeMe
From The Beat: Our hearts go out to you during this difficult time,
but we agree with you: you can do this. The fact that you are missing
school means that you have a thirst for knowledge and have confidence
in yourself. If you can just stick with it for a while longer and put up
with your grandmothers rules, then very soon you will be able to live as
an independent, free, young lady. Its worth hanging in there.
Direction
Living this life with no questions
Speaking to God and asking for blessing
Getting caught up by cops absolutely NO CONFESSION
With this life I'm always stressing
Watching my back from every corner
Mama to be a mourner
Serving orders
Cracking on the haters
Fool smile now you WILL cry later....
All about my paper
-Kyle
From The Beat: When you say "Fool smile now, you will cry later" are you
talking to yourself, or to your enemies? Because if you're still caught up
in enemies, that means you still caught up in a death game. But that
can't be what you really have planned for yourself, can it?
N
The Devil Inside
x
The devil inside me,
You would hardly know,
You could hardly even tell,
Behind my eye's walls there is hell.
In my chest I hold pain.
In front of you, you see nothing but a smile, no tears.
But behind that smile... is fear.
-Candace
From The Beat: We bet there are a lot of people who are going through
the same thing you describe here - trying to smile on the outside when
they are hurting on the inside. Why do you think it's so hard for people
to show how they really feel?
' sEnnnasB mmmm
WZMMMMMEEEI "" //
We Wonder Why
In this boring room I am stuck
Maybe I just have bad luck
I am stuck in this room,
And while I'm here I wonder why
And then it hits me and I know why
Cause of all the bad shhh I've done in my life
All the robberies and all the knocks
And I still say what has life brought
Lots of pain and many tears
And I wonder why I am still here
Minute by minute, hour by hour.
We all sit here with no power
And we all sit here while they run our lives
And we still sit here and wonder why.
-LIT Mike
From The Beat: This poem is full of truth and heart. We also wonder
why? Better yet - why not change? Now? What would you need to start
doing? What would you need to stop doing? Don't just rely on luck - you
make your own luck!
Life On The Streets
My autobiography is based on life on the streets
life inside a war zone,
on top of that having to find refuge after Katrina
destroyed my home.
Plus, I was a big head an I tried to make it up on my
own.
Life out on the street ain't easy—it will have yo mind
gone.
I'm out here in this town shhh that's a long way from
home,
locked up an can't get out.
I sure wish I was on the outs, but I then learn from my
mistakes.
I learned how to have my patience and have faith,
keep my head up for my family sake.
I'm in it to win it like woopie off the rat race,
you can't think you can't win,
can't get to heaven if you don't repent for your sins.
-Lil' New Orleans
From The Beat: What you dealing with is hard many times over again.
Sounds hard to be so far from family and what's familiar, but you got
caught up in things out here, huh. Sounds like you are learning a lot
from your experiences, so what advice could you give yourself, if you
could talk to yourself before you got in the mess that got you locked
up? Anything that could've kept you out of the hall?
lilies Music Vs. Total's Misic
\
I like listening to oldies music because it has more
meaning to it. Music these days talk about the same
thing: having sex or pimping on a female or disrespecting
a female, having money and not knowing what to do with
it, drugs and guns, and getting high.
Oldies music is more understanding and more
relaxing. It has more sense to it.
Music these days influence teenagers to do stupid
things because it put bad things inside their head like
walking around packing pistols, poppin pills, snorting
cocaine, smoking weed.
My parents don't allow rap music inside their car.
Most of the music these days the beat come from music
from back in the day.
-LIT Nef
From The Beat: We appreciated how specific you were about the different
topics covered by Oldies music and the music of today, and we hear
what you are saying about the different types of messages each offers.
What advice do you think you'd get from an Oldies song about your
current situation-being locked up? What advice from a song might have
helped keep you out of the hall in the first place?
\ r
■
My Music
\
I like hip-hop and R&B because sometimes the songs
that they be singing you could relate your life stories to.
I think that people should understand that's why I like
the music because I think some of the rappers/singers
are so fine and they have talent. How they could put their
life stories into a song or how they picture things, make
rhymes. Some of the songs make you feel good about
yourself.
Like for instance, Mary J. Blige, that song "Just Fine".
I love it. It makes a woman get up and feel good about
herself. She really inspires me on that song. When the
sound is playing I get up and look at the mirror and think
about what people be saying about me and smile and say
forget what they say, I'm just fine.
-Thesha
From The Beat: Thank you for sharing with us how music inspires you
and moves you! If you were going to write a song that you knew
would be heard by all the young women in the system, what would the
message be about?
Blinded By Love
This is Jimmy Baby, and I'm gonna tell anyone who's
reading this. It's about two females I fell in love with. One
day I was in church, a place where you worship God, and
I seen this fine black woman. I know I had to talk to her,
so I started talking to her. But not in a flirty way, because
I was at church. I didn't know if she was that type of girl,
if you know what I mean. I started talkin' to her, and then
one day she asked me for my phone number and she
called me that same night, blocked. She gave her friend
the phone and told her to talk to me.
So I started talking, having a conversation, but I didn't
really want her, I wanted her friend. I told her I wanted her
friend, and she said "you know I'm not like that." Then I
told her she was like a trophy to me and I'm tryna keep
you polished. She said I guess so, now I think it is just
her religion. She told her friend that I was her cousin, and
that I wanted to get with her.
Now she got me and her friend talking to each other,
so I was like, OK, it's good, I'll just use her friend to get to
her. Me and her friend started going out for at least three
months, but the first day I met her I hit. A month later,
she started feelin' me, and wanted to get with me. But it
was too late. I started having feelings for her friend. I told
her. Two months later I cheated on her with her friend
and she was hurt. We broke up and then I got with her. . .
and hit that for at least eight months, then I dumped her
too.
To Be Continued
-Jimmy
From The Beat: It sounds more like you were blinded by lust... you
wanted to mess with these girls, but it seems like it wasn't a deep love
for either girl. You'll know when it's real love, because when it's a girl
you really love, you'll never want to talk about how you "hit that." It
will be a much deeper, more respectful feeling...
You flk?
What's good? Well, today I'ma write about how the punk
system gave my patna 18 to life. Well, I called my friend
the other day when I got a phone call and found out that
my patna had lost his trial that he had been fighting for a
year now and they gave him 18 to life. That shhh got me
hella mad so I want to say forget the system.
-LilSav
From The Beat: The best way to say "f" the system is to get the "f" out of
the system. For real. What would you need to change about what you do
on the outs to make sure you get out of the system's claws forever?
.
' sEnnnasB mmmm
WZMMMMMEEEI "" »
Life
I was raised by a single mom. She always gave me the
best I can. But yet I found a way to get myself all mixed
up.
I'm supposed to be graduating this year, but instead
found my way in here.
On the outs, I was with people who have now proven
to me that family is really all you got. People are fake,
but the ones who stay real to you are the ones you want
around.
Making mistakes is something that is common, but
repeating them is what ends up getting you in all types
of problems. To me, the sooner you realize that you're
wrong, the sooner you can grow up and move on in life.
-H
From The Beat: You are dropping some serious wisdom in this piece.
Time and time again, we see young people getting locked up for the
same mistakes and choices. And, like you said, the people we choose to
spend our time with can help us avoid bad situations or put us right in
harms way. We're glad that this time has been a learning experience for
you, and we hope to see you living safely on the outs!
Hate With A Passion
Hate to me is when you dislike a person with a passion.
Like every time they talk or even look at you, you just
want to take off on that person.
There was this one time when I was in here last time
like seven or eight months ago, it was this one ninja that
shot at me and my brother and we was in the same unit
together. Every time I picture him in my mind, I just want
to murk dat ninja. Every time he talk, and every time I
look at him, I picture me murkin him.
When him and his potnas was shootin at us I thought
they killed my brother, and I was going to catch another
case if he did. There was this one time it was him and
his potnas on the block, and me and my brother pulled
up on side of them and I pulled my thang out to shoot
all of them. But when I was pullin 4 the trigger, it wasn't
shootin 4 . It was on safety. But anyway, they got lucky. In
a way I did too. ,Cause if I woulda killed them, I wouldn't
be here right now. But yeah, that's what I call hate with a
passion.
-Magnificent
From The Beat: Bro, you have been through some heavy stuff. We can
understand your anger towards someone who shot at you. And yes, it is
luckier for you that your gun was on safety. When you hate, it hurts you
worse than anyone else. Hate eats us up inside and it robs us of a lot of
important things that keep us going in life in a positive way, including
our loving connections with the people we care about, others and even
ourselves. So next time you feel yourself feeding your hatred, check
yourself and see who it is hurting the most. Put the gun down!!
My Grandma Would Like My Music
If I could have my grandma listen to my music, I think
she'd like it. She would say it "Knock." (RIP to my
grandma). The music I listen now is too raw and uncut
for most elders, but when my grandma was alive, she was
hype.
She was wit' the shhh, as I call it. Jacka, Huslah, Ap 9,
they be on some real shhh. My grandma would be feelin'
it because they talk about religion. It's funny 'cause my
mom listen to Da MOB, Real Recognize Real. It's funny
'cause the other day I called my mom and I heard The
Jack in the background. RIP Grandma.
-El
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing three generations of your family's
music with The Beat! Next time drop some of your favorite lyrics las
long as they are Beat-appropriate) - or better yet - write us some flows
of your own!
\
Family First
X
Family first over anyone, that's just the way I feel
I ain't going to lie to you I'm just tryin' to keep it real
I'll kill for my family anybody will
Don't get it too bloody
just let some of it spill
Family first over anything protect them with all your
might
Don't ever disrespect your family 'cause they're the first
ones that are going to fight for you,
even if you are wrong and especially if you are right
I'm tryin' to tell you open up your eyes s
So you have some kind of insight
So we don't walk around like a blind man
That's lost in the midst of the night...
We're all locked up but when we get out let's do what's
right
Stay cool with your FAMILY
And always put them first
We all know how it feels to lose family members
That's why I'm telling you to always put them first.
And when it's time for them to go and be with the Lord
Your gonna be in a world full of hurt.
Watching your loved one being buried under tons of old
dirt
I made this poem so you will stay on your toes and
always be alert. And never forget to always put your
"Family First"
-Espo
From The Beat: A violent reaction can still make things spiral out of
control. True "fighting" for family is usually really undramatic. Its when
you work two jobs to pay for pampers, or when you fight the urge to
smoke up because you want to set a good example, or when you fight
the need to go out to a party if your little brother or sister needs help
with homework. True warriors for family almost never get the glory, but
they do win the war!
Love
J L
To me love is like I have for my family. I'll do anything
for them. Usually, I'll bust someone up in they head to
get it, but I'm not like dat no more. Don't get me wrong,
I do get down.
But anyways to be there are three types of love. One is
like I just told you. I'll die for my family that's how my love
is for them. Two you can show love for someone by giving
them things and taking them places they have never been,
and get them the one thing they always wanted. You know
things like that. Three you can be in love with someone
you have kids with or get married with. I mean you don't
really have to love a person if they have your kid it could
have been a one night thing.
But if you're married, that's different. Because if you
wasn't in love with that person, you wouldn't give them
half of what's in your name, feel me? Sometimes you're
going to fuss and fight, but that's tough love. And if a
person don't like it, that's when the D-Papers (Divorce)
come in. If there's a will there's a way and if you don't
want to be with that person you got a way to get out.
But anyways, I love my family I have love for people,
but I'm not in love with nobody yet but GOD.
-Magnificent
From The Beat: Maybe lots of people start out "in love" when they
get married, but being "in love" doesn't hold up as well as the kind of
love you describe with your family. Being in love is a great start, but a
stronger love needs to grow for most marriages to last. And that goes
double for having babies. Back in the old days most people took having
babies together as a serious commitment. Why do you think that having
kids-bringing another person into the world and being responsible for
them for at least 18 years-why do you think that's considered less of
a big deal (with less forethought, concern and preparation) by many
young people than getting married?
.
I
EmnnHUE mi/mmm
WZMMMMMEEEI "" "
My Momma
x r
When I get out I want to change my ways by going back
to school, bringing all my grades up and most important
help my mom because that's the person I care most
about. She tries to get whatever she can for me and on
top of that she has a roof over my head, plus PG&E and
water on.
I love my momma, she's my world, my best friend, and
I'm hers too. I can tell my mom everything cause she sit
there and listen to all my problems.
-Celestine
From The Beat: It's so great that you have such a close relationship with
Lyour mom. Being able to talk to her about anything is probably what
makes it possible for you two to be so close. Do you think that being
locked up affects your mom, or your relationship with her? What can
you do once you're out to be there for her?
Gangster Rap
The kind of music I listen to is gangster rap. There's a
difference between rap music and gangster rap. Rap music
is a broad range of rapping, like country rap, mellow rap,
rap in different languages, etc. But gangster rap is more
directed to gangsters ya dig. More to my style. And I like
to listen to gangster rap, because it can soothe my mood
in many different ways. If I need to calm down, it calms
me down. If I need to get hyped, it can get me hyped. It
just fits me and I can easily relate to it, and of course
I listen to gangster rap because the beats are good for
dancing, and some tracks are good to put me to sleep.
-Young T
From The Beat: This is a really good list of different types of rap music.
Sounds like gangsta rap fits your needs, from getting you energized to
calming you down, plus it speaks to you in a way you relate to. But now,
since we know you are heading out of the hall, do you think it will be
difficult to do your thang differently, to stay on the outs, when your
music is talking about all the old ways?
X
.
Sweet Soul Music
I aint gonna lie, I listen to oldies like Marvin Gave
Luther Vandross, The Whispers etc. That music calm me
down and keep me feelin good. Like in the morning when
I wake up sometimes The Isley Brothers. Come on and I
be singin.
My favorite rapper is Tupac cause that's a real ninja.
It's like the things he says I've been through the same
things.
-Magnificent
From The Beat: It is so important to have music that can help you
calm down in this stressful world. And yeah, on the other hand, when
someone sings or raps about stuff you can relate to, like Tupac, it is so
good to just feel they get what you have gone through. At the same
time, when you're listening to Tupac, just remember why he ain't makin
no more music and think about how you gone keep yourself safe and
out of the life.
J
Judged I) Twelve
Man, this life we live, it's just a big ass race
Iono 'bout you, I ain't got time to waste
I gotta keep it lit, till I'm on top and in first place
Keep my eyes on you snakes, tryna smile in my face
Can't hold me down 'cause I'ma rise and stand tall
I don't owe no one shhh, nothin' at all
But I guess we won't learn, till we feel that clip
Rather be judged by twelve before I'm carried by six
-Markie-bo
From The Beat: Man, these rhymes are powerful. But why believe that
you are stuck between that 12 and that 6? What about honored by
100s (at a graduation), loved by 1 (your woman), needed by 2 (your
children)... you're already read by 1 000's! (In The Beat)
\
-
I'm Back
\
Man what's up Beat? This yo' girl Tete and I'm back in
this G-wang swang again. Let me tell y'all how though.
Okay, so why I been running from my mama 'cause she
was tryin' to turn me in.
So why, right, I get done smokin' my 'port I look at my
cousin and was like lets go in the house.
Then I look up and see a lady so I tell my cousin, hey,
don't she look like my mama? But he wasn't listening.
Next thing I know this lady grabbin' on me. And it
was my mama, she threw me in the car so fast I didn't
know what to do. Next thing you know my cousin who
was driving smashed up to the police station like I did
murder. But I go to court in 10 days and I hope I go home
to my daddy.
I hope to see this in The Beat.
-TeTe
From The Beat: How do you think living with your dad would be
different than living with your mom? How do you feel now about how
you ended up in the hall? Tell us more about what you're thinking and
feeling next time!
Loyalty
To me loyalty for example is like me being loyal to my
brother. Every time he need something I'll give it to him if
I have it, and if I don't have it I'll try my best to get it. My
brother is the same way to me, he look out for me too.
At the same time, you got to have trust in a person
to be loyal to them. You can't just trust in someone just
cause they do two things for you. They have to be there
whenever you need help or if you aint got no loot, they'll
shoot it to you. And they got your back until death.
Me and my brother been through a lot in our lives. We
holla at girls with each other, play hoop, smoke blunts,
etc. But now I'm a changed person from what I used to do.
I used to do all the negative things. That didn't work so
now I'm going to do the positive things.
I don't know about my brother. If he doing the same
things, I'm gonna try to convince him to stop. But he's a
grown ass man, he might not listen. But the thing is, that
if he need something, he could always come to his li'l
bra.
-Magnificent
From The Beat: You got a strong connection with your bro, that's the
truth, and what a blessing to have it. And we agree someone has to
prove they are trustworthy before you really put your trust in them in a
big way. But here's what we want to know: Do you think loyalty means
doing or giving someone anything they want? Or can loyalty every be
expressed by saying 'No?'
Mac Ore
Mac Dre is an artist a lot of people in The Bay listen
to. But, the reason why people like this type of music
is because the stuff they sing or rap about is true. For
example the way that they rap about how it is a struggle
trying to live day to day. So, that's the reason why I listen
to the music I do.
The struggle is trying to do what is right, trying to
stay away from violence but it's hard because of the
community we live in. We got to fight to make money on
da block.
-Chuck
From The Beat: When you listen to Mac Dre you feel his message, and it's
like he feels what you care about too. That is a great thing about good
art. And the dilemma is one faced by too many young people today:
the struggle to stay away from violence but feeling like you got to
fight to make money on the block. So we challenge you to look at your
priorities. What's more important, staying free with the ones you love,
or having lots of money till you get locked up again?
' sEnnnasB mmmm
WZMMMMMEEEI "" >*
My War
X r
My daily life struggles have been a war for me. It all
started the day me and my moms got in a big fight on
April 15, 2008. We were at home alone, and a conversation
about me being locked up and my bad relationship with
my dad.
But after the big fight I left. I had no choice but to turn
back to the street that led me to where I am now. When I
was on the streets it was like a war. And about who can
survive and that's what I had to do. People busted at me,
tried to rob me and anything you can think of, so I had
to go back to my old self and to my protection my street
family and if you bust at fam, best believe we gone bust
back.
-This Young Life
From The Beat: We an imagine you didn't feel like you had choices at the
time. That's rough having to leave and go back to a life on the street,
and we figure it was hard getting out of that world in the first place,
then you had to go back. Now, after being locked up, is there anything
you would want to tell yourself? Any adivce you could give yourself or
another young person in your situation to keep you out of the hall? Or
is being in the hall a better place than being on the streets? What can
you do to build other options when you on the outs next time?
Real Words
I was given this life I didn't make it
I had no choice either I was gone leave it or take it
Sometimes I wanna die from being around this fakeness
Life can be boosie only if you make it
Life too short to be goin through these phases.
I'ma a young dude in a bad situation
murder is the case and murder is what I'm facin.
People swear they real but knowin they the fakest.
- Young Marco
From The Beat: It does sound like you in a bad situation. We appreciate
you don't like fakers. So let's keep it real. What phases do you want
to make sure you go through, now that you facing such a serious
situation.? What phases are you done with? How you gone keep offa
what you tempted to do (being human, we assume you'll be tempted to
do things you don't wanna do)?
Trust
To me trust means that if there's someone that would
love you and be there for you no matter what, and you can
trust that person to hold something for you even if you
locked up for five years, that person would still have it.
I trust the lord with my life, and I know that he'll be
there for me if nobody else would. I trust my family too,
cause they been there for me through thick and thin. I
know I was messing up when I was on the outs, but they
still looked out for me.
Like my dad, I trust him because even though I messed
up he came through for me cause I was getting shot at
and I aint have my thang on me. So I was in someone's
backyard and someone was back there and I used their
phone to call my pops, and next thing you know the long
limo came ridin down the street.
My dad is also my hero ,cause he taught me a lot of
things. When my dad came and seen me on visiting, we
were laughing and having a good time, and he said I was
his best friend. That made me feel good because my dad
got 16 kids and he said I was his best friend. But the way
I see it, we all is his best friends. If you're reading this dad
I love you and tell everybody I said hi. 1 Luv.
-Magnificent
From The Beat: Sounds like you have a close relationship with your
family, and especially your father. And from what you write, it sounds
like he was able to support you at a really scary time, or you might not
have been around to write this. What things has your dad taught you
that can serve you in the future, next time you're on the outs, that are
going to keep you on the right path?
M „
\
-
Changes
\
When I get out I'm gonna do the best I can to stay off
the streets. I don't want to live my life always looking over
my back. People nowadays are picking up guns instead of
getting books and education.
I have to say it's going to be hard because the streets
made me who I am. I was raised in the streets of Oakland
but when I moved to North Oakland, I started acting
different.
My patnas basically raised me because I always used
to get into it with my mom. Now when I get out I'm gonna
concentrate on building a better relationship with my
mom and going back to school.
-LiP Kev
From The Beat: Your first few sentences are very vivid. You use good
images to show your experience: always having to look over your
shoulder, people picking up guns instead of books. ..We really got a
picture of what you're facing. And yes, it's hard when you raised in the
streets to build a new way, but you got a good plan. Stick to it!
Almost Eighteen
Hey what's good Beat? It's yo' girl Crystal, just tryin'
to keep in touch. Anyways I'm still counting down my
days... I only got twelve more days! Man I'm kind of
nervous because I'm about to be 18 and there ain't no
more juvenile hall for me it's the big girl house with big
brotha from now on I really ain't tripping 'cause I know
that I'm going to do the right thing.
-Crystal
From The Beat: Notice we took off the name 'The Kings Wife," not out
of disrespect to your man, but instead because we like the idea of you
stepping out in the power of your own name - the one that belongs to
the independent woman you really are. Peace, and all our best wishes.
Turning Point
In my life a lot of things happen unexpected when I was
younger.
I never thought I would come to jail but I'm here.
I used to do good but I fell off and I just started messing up.
It all started when my grandma died in year 2000,
then I started doing stupid stuff and my life made a big turn.
-Lil' Damani
From The Beat: We're so sorry about your grandma, especially about
how hard it's been for you. We'd love to hear more of this story. How
did her death affect you and get you to where you are now, 8 years
later? Give us more of the story so the readers can understand where
you're coming from.
Lil' Fredy
Was up Beat! This is Young Capy living that life up in
the hall. Well today I'm gonna write about my homie "Lil
Fredy." Well last week I found out he got killed in Oakland.
He got shot two times, one in the chest and the other one
in the face. Lil 4 Fredy was hella coo 4 . I grew up with him.
He used to always be down to do whatever and he used to
always be on one of halla koke and weed n pills.
I'm hella mad because I'm in here and I couldn't go to
his funeral but I aint tripping. When I get out I'm gonna
go visit him.
Well I go to court soon and I'm probably gonna go to
"Rita" but it coo 4 . Well I'm out! R-I-P LIL FREDY.
-Lil' Capy
From The Beat: Sucks to have your homie get killed and you locked up
so you can't even go to his funeral. That's gotta hurt. Good luck with
your future. Sounds like you not interested in doing things that might
help you get out or stay on the outs. That's a choice you're making, and
we hope that wherever you give yourself a chance to turn it around.
Sorry we had to cut up your piece, but we can't be printing stuff that
breaks The Beat's rules.
.
' sEnnnasB mmmm
WZMMMMMEEEI "" >/
Gruzito (God)
x r
Tell my jefes (parents) I apologize for all the pain and
sorrow. They won't see me back tomorrow. Tell my
carnalita y jefita (sister and mother) not to worry and that
I seen another life through the night.
Eyes blurry, tell my jaina (girl) that I love her and don't
tell her I was crying. Make her think I wasn't tripping even
though she knows you're lying.
My little kid, damn, I wish that I could kiss him. I'm
not doing this to him. But today and here and now, not
older get this weight off my shoulder. There's nothing
better than what's less. I wasn't living. My heart was
beating dead inside my chest, but I guess I get to rest.
So peaceful in my coffin sabes que (you know what) I'm
finish talking. (Blam) to my familia and my jaina I love
you.
-Chikillo
From The Beat: We hope they get your message. Whatever it is that
you're stressing about, we hope that you work things out. If you are
going to do solid time, we recommend you to make the best of you in
getting out. You got a family waiting for you and a kid waiting for a
father to be raised. Think of them when making another move, either
positive or negative.
Second Chance
x
What's good it's your homie Smokey from Hayward. I
got about 22 days left in this place. Not much to say, I'm
basically out. All I can say is it's a second chance at life
and I'm taking it.
For all incarcerated keep your heads up they can't I
keep you here forever. Do your program whether its
probabation, group home, or even the "y" just keep your
head up.
It's a struggle living life how we live nowadays but it's
all good. Get your money, live your life to the fullest, and
don't ever doubt yourself. You can be anything you want
to be if you put your mind to it. Alrato. I'll catch you on
the rebound.
-Smokey
From The Beat: Congratulations on getting outta there. Sounds like you
are hoping to try some new things for your second chance, and that's
likely to help you stay on the outs. Unfortunately we have to disagree
with your statement that they can't keep a person here forever. The
system is very powerful, and if you are messing with the wrong stuff,
they can keep you inside for a very long time. That's why we challenge
you to be sure the ways you gon get your money are ones that won't
get you locked back up.
Walls
In my point of view, I think in your room your wall is
your only friend. All you have is a couple of books, and
your room. You get bored after a while.
I communicate with my walls. It feels like it talks
backs to me when I ask it a question. I'll even carry a
conversation with him. To me, I named him Mr. Wall. He
likes that name, so he goes by that name.
Sometimes he doesn't talk back to me and I don't
trip. He can have his moments and I can have mine, but
were usually cool with each other.
To me, I think he's a human-being with no eyes. If I
can see images what he see, he'll know all your hiding
spots. He'll be like something big to me. He's a friend,
but I know I be hallucinating so I don't tell anybody about
him.
-Baby Joker
From The Beat: It's cool that you use your cell/walls to reflect. But don't
get too use to it. Have you seen the movie, "Cast Away?" Your writing
is kind of similar to this movie. He almost lost his sanity. Be careful!
Keep writing!!
-
I Du't Want This lite
X
The way I got into Juvenile, I was starting off on a bad
foot. At first when I got here I thought it was hell. But I
realized you are the key to your success.
The way I got in here was popping a school locker.
Yeah, it's stupid, but if you think about it, it is funny.
Before, I never thought about my life and where I want to
be. Being in here shows you how much you don't want
to be here, and how much you miss your freedom. I want
to be a lawyer, or a football player, electrical engineer, or
real estate because those are good careers.
I'm sad, you know, being away from my family. I don't
want this life and what you make of it. I want to be the
one that has it set for my children when I past and my
little brothers. My parents can come to my house and
relax.
I get tired of people judging me by my actions but
your actions speak louder than words. I read my bible
every night and something caught my attention Amen,
Amen.
I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes one
who sent me has eternal life, and will not come into
judgment, but has passed from death to life.
-Kristopher
From The Beat: It's great that you're seeing the positives of your
situation and making the best of it. That's all that anyone can ask for
in life. We hope that you can take all these great big goals you've set
for yourself and put them into action. Like you said, actions speak
louder than words.
Being Incarcerated
x
Being incarcerated isn't a thing to be proud of it's
something I'm ashamed of.
This is my second time I'm locked up and I really miss
my family, especially my little three year old brother. All
I do in my room is think about my mom, and how much
I'm breaking her heart. This time I got locked up hurt the
most because I seen my mom crying before they took me
in. They took me in because I came out dirty in a drug
test.
I -Henry
From the Beat: Sound like you've thought a lot about the people who
are most important to you, mainly your family. You'll be with them
again, and have another chance. Maybe you could make more out of
it if you start taking the shame and hurt you feel, and turn it into
something positive, like what you can do to be there for your family
once you do get out.
ily
What My Mom Would Say
I think my mom will say that I am a very intelligent young
man and can achieve a lot of goals in life. But sometimes
I hang around the wrong people and get caught up in the
wrong things.
No one is an angel only in Heaven. She always say I
am not bad. Some times just misunderstood.
If the right person like her could understand me, then
they will see me just like she does. I have a lot of talents
and one of them is talking to people. She says I can talk a
fly off a piece of dookie, but I don't know I just say what's
on my mind and don't bite my tongue. And my school
says, if I put my energy in a positive place then people will
follow.
-LIT Hyfe
From The Beat: It seems like everyone that knows you, has seen your
talent and how far you can go in life, but you have been ignoring it.
What's holding you back? You're smart. Use what you know and what
you are capable of doing in something positive. You can change the
world some day.
.
My Autobiography
x r
In my autobiography, I want to explain the story about
how I got to Juvenile Hall. One day, I went to school and
we got there late, so we decided to cut that period.
We were kicking it with my brother, his friend and I. so
we went to this abandon house and we started smoking.
My brother told me "look what I got" and he showed me
the gun. I got excited, so I told him let me hold it. He gave
it to me, so we kept on smoking and I was looking at the
gun.
I put it on me and I went to my other class. My brother
told me when we get out of class to meet right there. The
class was over and we went back to the abandon house
and we were kicking it there when it was lunch time.
They rolled up another blunt and we started smoking
again. Then my brother let him see the gun and I told him
no when I was walking to my other class and the police
stopped us. I had a saw off shotgun so he told me, "get
on your knees." So when I hit the floor, I handed the gun
before he shot me.
He hit me in my face and dropped me so when he call
for back up, he was hitting me and the other guys that
was with me were saying, "leave him alone, he ain't doing
nothing to you."
So when they were bringing me here, they put me on
the police wagon and they had me arrested. They would
step on the gas hella hard and then on the brakes so I
would hit myself. They messed up my ribs.
When I went to court, the judge told me that I was
going to camp for 6-9 months, and I been here for a month.
So I'm ready to go. See ya Beat!
-White Boy
From The Beat: Now you are facing the consequences of carrying a gun.
You are lucky that you got a short sentence. You could have gotten
into serious trouble, if you had used that gun, or if it had shot itself by
accident and hitting another person. Things like this have happened in
real life. Next time, be careful with the toys you mess with. Would you
hold another one after this experience? Hope this is your wake up, you
don't get many!
Juvenile Hall
Juvenile Hall's
F'ing four walls
Can't stay out the juvenile halls
Yea
Now what's up
Don't get popped
We be in the block
Looking at the clock
So that bad
My family is all mad
So that's what's up
-Chetto
From The Beat: Why do you think you "can't stay out the juvenile halls?"
Is it because of the system, or the stuff you're doing, or both? You say
you're family is mad about where you are, but what about you? How do
you feel about being in the hall, and what can you do about it?
Wbei I Get lul
X
Man I'm tired of this shhh. I can't wait till I get out. They
gave me eight months in this place. The judge trynna
mess wit me. This is BS for real. But when I get out, I'm
gonna try to stay out of trouble. And find a better way of
makin' money.
-Nguyen
From The Beat: This isn't your best piece, but we totally appreciate you
putting your frustrations on paper. Hopefully writing it down helps you
to not be as frustrated about it. Just focus on what you said - finding
a legal way to make some money.
My Past
ou
"9
X
What's up Beat? My past used to be the best thing of
my life. I used to do hella shhh when I was younger. You
know, 'till I got into this life.
I first started off when I was about nine or ten. I stated
smoking just doing alright you know. But I had pistols
at a young age. Man, you know that's dangerous riding
with my OG ninjas. I became famous. That's the life that
I chose to live, being apart of this game suckas gone be
mad, being apart of this game for so long.
-Festy
From The Beat: We wonder why you are here. How do you think you
will end? Will it end in a worse place like this one? In a hospital? Or
you know where? Honestly, this is what a waits for you if you continue
living the same lifestyle you are living. What has fame given you? Can
it get your freedom back?
A Cool Day
\
Q-Vole Beat, well, it was this time I was with my homies
kicking it on my homies' house. We were doing bbq, then
the police came to the house and started to search us.
They took two of my homies, but they let them out the
same day, then they came to my house and we started to
kick it and drink some cervezas (beers) with some jainas
until it was dark. That was a cool day because I was with
all my homies. Well Beat I am out.
-ChikiUo
From The Beat: What's so fun about drinking, getting wasted and almost
getting arrested? Instead of wasting your time and risking your freedom
the way you are, you should be getting prepare for your future. What
you are learning and getting used to, will lead you the same place you
are right now, nowhere else.
tat
ou
r
Hope?!?!?
Mac Ore
X
This music I listen to is Mac Dre. The stuff he says is
true. He talks bout the real stuff and some describes
me. It's special to me because I like the beats and he got
flows. His music makes me feel good and happy. He's my
favorite rapper, his music slaps.
-Alex
From The Beat: Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your music with
the readers. It's great when you find music you can relate to that can
also put you in a better mood.
-
My name is Mike and I'm still locked up in juvenile hall.
My court date is coming up and I've been praying and
hoping I get out. I'm only here on a violation but I didn't
do nothing wrong. I was just always having fun but now
that I really realize what I was doing I wish I could take it
back so I wouldn't have ended up here. This is only my
second time locked up here.
Before I came I thought it was going to be worse than it
really is, so I'm all good. I think I should get out because
I've been doing everything right since I've been here, and
I know for a fact that I ain't never coming back and I can
say never unless some stupid reason that wasn't my fault
or some. And that's me.
-Michael
From The Beat: You write that you're never coming back unless it's for
something that isn't your fault, but you also said in the beginning that
you're here now when you did nothing wrong, just something stupid
you would want to take back. Are you cool with coming back if it's for
something easily avoided, but not cool if its for something serious?
Sounds like you know what you were doing was not where you want to
be, so maybe it's time to take responsibility for your actions and make
sure you don't end up back here, no matter what the reason.
.
Mtf //
My Life
Anger Drove Away My Artistic Spirit
What' poppin' with The Beat? I want to tell you about my
life and how it goes sometimes.
My life go up sometimes. It goes down sometimes. I start
good, then I fall off.
I think I need something in my life to keep me on
track and stay out of jail, and keep following my goal
and keep my head up, keep people from pulling me down
because people like to see me down where they at.
My life... I have a problem with everyone. It's ninjas
just be hating. Why people just want me to live my life?
-LIT Six
From The Beat: We don't think you actually finished this piece, so we're
curious to know what you were going to write about why people won't
just let you live your life. You wrote that you need something to keep
you on track, but you didn't give a hint about what that something
might be. What do you think would help you the most to stay out of the
hands of the system?
To My Home Girl
My Life's On Paose
They got my life on pause sittin' behind brick walls
Eating this base-ass food, wearin' the next man's drawe's
Ten minute phone calls, five minute showers
Staff actin' like dogs tryin' give thugs hours
My square ass PO still ain't transfer my file
These young ass-Ts an' big slippers ain't my style
Fma fresh young Heem with new jays and rock jeans
A Swisher full of grapes and a 5th full of heen
Free my whole team, and give us a couple racks
-Gotti
From The Beat: We can't imagine anyone whose style includes Bob
Barkers! So, since this place doesn't suit you, what are you going to do
so that you never have to come back here (or worse) again? Just cussing
the place out won't keep you out. That requires something from you.
Are you able to give it?
X
'S'up with the home girl? I hope you doing good. I just
want to remind you, Mija, to keep your head up and don't
worry about these hate-ass little females and all the
snitches. Stay strong!
I want you to know that if anything, Mija, you got me.
Just holla at me. You know where I stay at.
-Diablito
From The Beat: Forget about communicating with your homegirl,
Diablito, and focus on your own situation. Yeah, she may know where
you stay at, but where you stay at doesn't give you a lot of freedom to
help anyone else. Start by helping yourself.
Mi nombre es Casey. (My name is Casey). I come from
Richmond and I plan to go back there eventually. Being
in juvy is pretty cool, to be totally honest. Not cool like
Jordans or ice, but more like a life experience. This is
my first time here. I didn't cry when I was arrested, and
I wasn't even that worried. But thinking about what I did
and how one mistake messed up everything, it makes me
pretty angry, but I'm gonna keep on righting to graduate
and get my shhh together.
And something else that is making me angry is how
stupid this is. I used to be able to write. I used to be
able to draw. I used to be pretty artistic, but somewhere
along the line, I lost everything. I lost all of my passion
and replaced it with anger. But I guess it will happen to
everybody who didn't really have a childhood. Con mucho
amor (with much love).
-Casey
From The Beat: It sounds like you're both angry at yourself for this
"one mistake" and the effects being locked up are having on you. You
have not lost your passion, only substituted one form of passion (anger)
for another. When you're out from under this little setback — and
particularly when you've committed yourself never to mess up again —
your old passions will return.
Two Milliin
\
If I come up on a million ticket, it's cookies and milk.
I'm go make sho the fam bam right on the one. Moms
go have a fat condo somewhere in Miami with an inside
swimming pool and Jacuzzi. Moms go be in a Bentley
doin' her thang. Then, I'm go make sho the rest of the fam
right. Get them out the 'ject into some cool lil' houses
out the way way, ya did.
Then I'm go focus on me. Man, yo, I'm Anna buy
fat toast, some shhh you ain't never even seen before.
Man, me an' my ninjas go be in all kinds of Benzes,
tucks, coupes, you name it. I'm go pull a state property
and buy all the real thugs fat chains, ya dig. Just watch
state property and that's how me and my ninjas go live.
Something' very similar to that. If you curious, watch that
movie. I'm out, Beat.
-Bb
From The Beat: Well, it does feel good to be able to buy extravagant
gifts for our family and friends. But we bet you already have the power
to give your mom something she wants more than a Benz, and that's
you at home with her not risking your freedom every day. If you don't
find a way to stay out of places like this, you'll only get to dream about
the bling bling...
My Birthday
What's up with The Beat? It your boy Grimy coming at
you. I'm just writing to let people know that my birthday
around the corner, June 2. Man, it been going so quick.
I'm kind of glad that I'm turning 17 years old. I'm getting
smarter, older and wiser.
If it wasn't for me being in here this year, mayne,
something could've happened to me in the outs for my
birthday. I could've got shot, stabbed, whatever. But I'm
in here so nothing could happen to me. Maybe it's a sign
saying it good to stay in because I could've got killed.
Until next time. Late.
-Grimy
From The Beat: Happy birthday. Grimy. We hope you plan to give
yourself a really important present, which is the new way of looking at
life that you have been expressing so well in what you've been writing.
Of course, we know that June 2 makes you a Gemini, which means
you're like two people in one body. We hope you promote the qualities
in the good half, and put the bad half qualities to the side for a better
future!
Rap Is Mint Who We ire
-
People from the older generation listen to oldies. That
music about love, you know, that laid back OG stuff.
Nowadays, us youngstas listen to rap music because it
got to do with what we going through in these streets.
Today's rappers is rapping what we do and live every
day, you feel me, mayne? But if you a OG, you wouldn't
feel me at all 'cause y'all just don't know. I listen to the
thugs that livin' what they rap, you feel me. That's 'bout
what they be talkin' 'bout, like the homie ACE ('cause it's
mo' than war, now it's personal ninja, I want mo' than a
hearse for you, ninja). Feel me, mayne. But that's just
how I thug, feel me.
-Doddie
From The Beat: Can you imagine what the next generations are going
to say about rap? Do you think they will look at you the same way
you look at the OGs today, telling you that you can't feel what they're
singing about? Music always reflects the lives of those who perform and
buy it (the young), so how do you imagine it might change when you're
the next generation?
unnnnBmmr /////////
//// //
Keep It Real
x r
What up with The Beat? This Yung Jiggo. I in here just
being me, that young dunnie. I just want to say what up to
my ninja. He know what up dawg. Yeah, just can't wait 'til
I see ya, dawg. But keep your head up. I just want to make
sho' you cool, dawg. And this the last time writing for The
Beat 'cause I don't plan on coming back to the halls.
-Yung Jigg
From The Beat: Well, we wish you'd write about not planning to come
back to the halls. We're pretty sure you never "planned" to come to
the halls to begin with, but here you are. So, besides not planning to
come back, what else are you planning to do (or not do) to keep that
promise?
It's The Beat And The Message
What's up with The Beat Within? I'm The Beat. I keep it
moving and I make sounds, if you know what I'm talking
'bout.
But yeah, my topic is about my type of music. Trust,
I listen to ya boy Boosie Bad Azz that Plies that "Savage
Life." Come on round, get with it.
But if I wanted a teacher to understand why I live it,
I tell her listen to the beat and what he talking 'bout,
'cause what he talking 'bout, I'm going through the same
thang, dawg. I listen to the real, not the fake 'cause I'm
the realest, the trilfamdilist. . .
-Rocket
From The Beat: Do you like any other kind of music besides rap? Do you
write raps yourself? Who did you listen to before you started listening
to Bootsie?
Mom's Coming Back
x
What's up Beat? I just want to say that my mom left me
and she came. I found out that she was at Washington.
She's coming back to pick me up.
-Geordi
From The Beat: How old were you when your mom left? Is she in
Washington D.C. (the nations capital) or in the state of Washington?
When she picks you up, where will she take you?
I Love Life
X
I hope and pray I get out 'cause I don't want to live my
life here. I can't live my life here. I know if I get out, I
will change my life, make sure I don't make my way back
here.
I'll get a job, make my cash, hopin' people don't screw
with me so I don't have to smash or get smashed on. I love
my life and my life loves me.
-Reper
From The Beat: If we got your name wrong, its because you weren't
careful writing it... Next time... Anyway, we're very glad that you don't
want to come back here again. It's not a place to be, so do what you
have to do to live right.
To Muneca
I iust
Hey, Mija, first my homeboy call me Diablito. I just
meant to say welcome back to The Beat. I wish you good
luck out there. Stay strong, Mija. Don't let no ninja put
your down. I just want you to know that I was feeling your
poem.
Take care.
-D
From The Beat: Reaching out to other Beat writers is a nice gesture,
Diablito. But, like we said before, focus on your own shhh first because
as long as you do the things that put you behind walls, you can't be
much help to anyone.
-
Laid Back
\
What's up with The Beat? Me, shhh, just laid back and
relaxed and the feeling of life. Even though a ninja ain't
be too laid back up in this hole, a ninja still can relax,
think about the good and the bad times, and the things
that go one.
I don't know about everyone else, but with the shhh
a ninja like me go through and the things I been through
and the pain that I go through and the struggles a ninja
choose. When a hot ninja go chill for a minute and lay yo'
ass back. If you not feeling what I'm sayin', forget you.
-Ram Horn
From The Beat: Well, we hope you don't get so laid back here that it gets
too comfortable. You're not supposed to like it here. You're supposed to
figure out how to live your life so that you never end up here again. Are
you working on that?
My IN' Ma
\
Lil' Ma, you my life. Why can't you see
We meant to be, you fo' me, me fo' you
Lil' Ma, nobody can make me melt
From no girl's touch but yours, Boo
I can't see me with no one else... I love you
I wish there was other words fo' love
I want you in my life foreva, Baby, please
I know I promised you so many things
And I hate that you can't trust me
Baby girl, there's no one I want but you
I'm gone do right, earn you back
I need you; you got my soul
You my wife; I love you
Yo lil' man — Baby Face
I'm gone keep my head up
That's what I got to do
But I'll wait fo' you
-Jareme
From The Beat: Before you can give your life to another, you have to
get it together. You have to love yourself enough to keep yourself out
of places like this. If you don't make the changes you need to make to
stay free, then you'll be writing love poems from behind walls instead
of living that love in freedom!
I'm Never Going To Change... Maybe
What's crackin' with The Beat Within? This you boy
Sobolo holdin' it down for the homies on the block. I've
been up in this hole for 4-5 months, and this ain't shhh.
Time up in here goes by quick for me 'cause I've been
here all the time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna change my ways, my style,
my life. But you know, everything happens for a reason.
It's like I'm in the halls all the time for a reason, and some
day I just might change. When I feel like changin', then
I'ma change.
Other than that, forget the world! Forget everybody
in the world! The only people I trust in the world are my
family and the realest ninjas on the block. You can't trust
nobody in this shhh. You can't even trust some of yo'
own ninjas. There's always somebody that's goin' to hate
on you, somebody that goin' to want what you got. And
sometimes you gotta do something about that.
-Sobolo
From The Beat: So, if everything happens for a reason, what do you
think the reason is that you are here? Well, even though you say you'll
never change, you're smart enough to leave that door open just a little.
The truth is, none of us knows what the future holds for us, or who
we will be and what we will be doing in the future. You may finally
grow tired of giving large parts of your life away to a system that can't
care about your life as much as you care about it. At least, we hope
so. (We had to change your title and your last sentence. Neither was
appropriate for The Beat.)
.
PJSf //
Losing Patience
Be Careful Of What Might Follow
Man, I been sittin' in here for four months waitin' to
see if they gonna send me home. I'm losing my patience,
but I got to remember that I got myself in this situation.
If it wasn't for me robbing that store, I would still be at
home.
Me hanging with the wrong crowd. I got this program
I'ma be in so I'ma do the right thing. Just go to school
and work after and come to the city on the weekends.
-Tray
From The Beat: There are at least two excellent reasons why you
shouldn't be robbing stores. The first is that if you had a store and
somebody robbed you, you would know that they were wrong for
doing it. The second reason is what you are living through right now —
consequences (and many of those can be much worse than this). So, we
hope you keep the promise you make her to go to school!
Life Of Chinatown
I'm from an Asian neighborhood called Chinatown.
There are lots of gang activities going on, and every day
there are other races that are not Asian getting killed,
raped, robbed, getting assaulted, shot and drive-by. I see
dead people every day, and I see a group of Asians rolling
deep, like 20-50 people per group. They always gamble,
drink, smoke and holler at girls. People everywhere from
Chinatown sell weed or pills, etc. we chill at parks, drink,
smoke and gamble.
Fights every day, killings every night, weed every day
and drinks every Friday. Karaoke with weed and drinks
and a few thizzles. In the end, hangovers and after effects
when we sleep over.
-Goldilocks
From The Beat: You're forgetting one of the most important "after effects"
of living like this, and that is the after effect you're experiencing right
now, here in the hall! We would be interested in your ideas about why
so many people in Chinatown live the life you describe while so many
others live an entirely different reality; they go to school, stay away
from bad people; don't sell or use drugs; don't gamble or drink... and
never have to be locked up. Why did you choose the path that leads
here and not the path that leads to a better future?
\
Free 111 He Homies!
X
I crack it open and pour my 211
Into the ground and raise my blunt up to heaven
I throw the life dice and hope I end up with a seven
I'm addicted to this, thug life's what I'm cravin'
Get what I'm saying? Satan can't get enough of me
Deep in the game like the Pacific Sea
You see, I already lost my key to my sane brain
It's been on lock up, for awhile I been insane
I've seen it all in the streets and in these four walls
I keep my head up 'cause my pride stands tall
Ninja, I won't fall even though I may rock
On the block just hella chilling
Puff on the 'dro, on cloud 9 is what I'm feeling
So far, but so near, tattoo tears
Free all the homies up in here
-Giggles
From The Beat: When you say "free all the homies," does that include
everybody who's locked up, or just those who wear your colors? We
hope you put your excellent brain power to work examining some of
the things you've been taught, because those lessons have not helped
you move ahead and can only keep you from moving ahead when you
leave here. We hope you're not using the old excuse that you're in too
deep to consider change because we know that's not true. (We know too
many people much older and much deeper in the game than you whose
minds have opened to a new reality, and who no longer claim a color or
a set.) We hate the war in Iraq where young men kill other young men
(and women and children) for a cause that old men invented. We hate
the war on these mean streets where children kill other children for a
cause that old men invented. Why must the young continue to die for
the old?
What's up with The Beat? This that young ninja Drew
comin' at you. But shhh, man, the date is 5/20/08. I been
in this place since 1/16/08, and I'm about to get out this
hellhole.
I been in here for four months for a stupid AWOL
warrant 'cause I didn't go back to the grouper. But these
jerks could've released me hella long ago. To keep it real,
I was supposed to go home 2/21/08, but you know how
these ninjas be.
But I'm in the wind like a bird, so my real ninjas know
what I'm talkin' 'bout. But to everyone, screw all these
nasty-ass people who be hatin' on a ninja and shhh. Do
what you gonna do, but always remember what might
follow you afterwards.
I hope I don't have to talk to you again. I hope I don't
have to come back to this hole!
-Drew
From The Beat: We also hope you don't have to come back here, or
worse. But some of that is up to you. If you keep doing the things that
brought you here before, then you can expect to see us again. The only
way to change the result is to do things differently. If four months of
this treatment is too much for you to take, then think before you act,
or you'll be spending a lot more of your time locked up. In fact, think
carefully about your own words: "Do what you gonna do, but always
remember what might follow you afterwards..."
-
Don't Talk, Do
What's up Beat? It's me again. I wanted to talk about
talk.
I've been in and out of the halls, and all those times
I've heard, "I'm never coming back." Yeah, I said it too.
But I learned one thing — to not talk about it, just do it.
Stuff won't go like you want it, so just be cool.
-Yato
From The Beat: So, if you've told yourself in the past that you won't
come back, what will be different this time. What are you going to do
(or stop doing) that you only talked about before?
Do Something With Yoor Life
I can't wait until I get out so I can start eating. I'm not
talking about food. I'm talking about money, because
money is the world right now. Without money or a job,
you are nothing. People talk about how much money they
got. How you go have that when you locked up? What I'm
saying is stay talking and prove yo'self. Stay out of jail,
and do something with yo' life.
-Andre
From The Beat: This is excellent advice, Andre. Do you plan to follow it
when you get out of here? We hope so, because this place is not a place
anyone wants to be.
What Is Love?
What is love? You'll never know
But it's a feeling that sometimes show
Out of love will always grow
Love is pain
Out of one, we gain
Love is like the sun
It burns your eyes
It's also like rain
It makes you cry
-Micole
From The Beat: Love probably has as many definitions as there are
people in love. At times, it makes you feel like you could fly away and
anything is possible. At other times, it makes you feel like the world is
\
over and there's nothing but darkness,
and again you fly!
. until it fills your wings again.
.
f
Mtf //
X
No Family Support
Well, me, personally, I've been through a lot. I don't have
family support. They don't think I will make it, but I have
a lot of support from my friends, though.
Anyway, people always ask me what would I change
about my past. I always answer, "Nothing, because
everything in my past made me who I am today, a young,
intelligent woman who will go somewhere in life."
-Joann
From The Beat: The intelligence you have comes from birth, not from
the choices you've made. So we think you might wish to change a few of
those choices. But since no one can go back and change a thing in our
pasts, its what comes next that counts. We know what you're capable
of. Now, show us that you're living up to those capabilities.
My Autobiography
This is my autobiography
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a OG
So then, I gotta earn my stripes
First thing I did was hit a ninja with a pipe
That shhh was all right
Busted his head with all my might
He was bleeding real fast
Probably got him in a cast
Shhh didn't last; I saw a 5-0
Can't hit that ninja no mo'
So I started to run
End to the fun
-King Lee
From The Beat: What good are stripes if you have to wear them locked
in a cage?/ This is the pay for what you did... do you like the wage?/
When you have to prove yourself at the end of a pipe/ The world will
continue to see as a childish type/ We hope you grow up before it's too
late/ And you find yourself locked for years with only hate
It's Like, Damn!
X
Once again, in the hell of no return. What's good with
The Beat? This ya boy Ulala, holdin' it down is this
hellhole with my bra, Hen. But, yeah, I'm just wondering
why did I run from the group home. That's been stuck in
my head for the past week. Well, Beat, can you answer my
question?
But fo' real, it's too late to start askin' the "Why?"
question. It's way too late to start talkin' that "woulda,
shoulda, coulda" bullshhh! So think before you dumb-
ass act!
To my bra, keep ya head up and keep it live!
-Ulala
From The Beat: No, we can't answer your question about why you ran
from the group home. We feel sure that you can answer that question
yourself. But the "why" of that past action is less important than the
"what" of future action. Even if you know why you ran, the question to
ask is whether it was worth it, and whether you plan to do the same or
different the next time.
Life Is Important
X
My name is Jordan. My life is very important to me
because you only have one life to live. Life is too short to
be playing with it. Life is not a joke.
My life is very important because I been through a lot
of bull stuff, like getting shot, goin' to the halls, run away
from placements and smoking every 30 minutes. Also
riding around with weapons.
-Jordan
From The Beat: We think that riding around with weapons only puts
your life in greater danger, not just because you may end up using
that weapon and paying a huge price for doing so, or you may just get
stopped by the boys and lose your freedom over those weapons. If life
is not a joke, how do you plan to live yours when you touch down so
that this is the last lock-up you have to experience?
-
My Man Lover
\
This boy that I love, he so 'hood
But in a smart way, he have class
But thug's in love with the block
He can't knock helping people around him
It take respect to get it
He got the whole world loving him
Never stop loving, even if it's another chick
Baby, I just wanted to tell you a few words
I'm back, tight with my mom
He's just a nerd
But all eyes on him when it's attention
Light, camera, action
When I come through blinging
'Cause the sun stay shinin'
So I'm go keep my rhyme right
'Cause hip hop is saving my life
An' I'm hoping I get right
"Love you, Baby"
I'm happy
Glamorous life
-Andrea
From The Beat: We can't quite figure this out, Andrea. Are you writing
to one boy about another boy, or is this all about the same person? You
wrote that you were back "tight with your mom," but how does that
fit into the message you are trying to send? Are you saying you live a
glamorous life, or that you want to live that kind of life? What are your
plans when you get out of here?
Rappers I Like
The first time I heard Lil' Wayne, I really did not like it.
But I really started listening every day, and I started liking
it. Now he is my favorite rapper. I also slap a little Plies.
He have a nice CD. If you have not heard, you betta hear
because he know how to spit Lil' Weezy Bad-Azz. Naw,
really, I'm good.
-Vernon
From The Beat: We were only able to print the first half of what you
wrote. After that, you started writing things we don't want to promote
in The Beat, like threats of gun violence.
'Bout To Leave The Ranch In A Few
What's up, Beat? This is you' boy, Enano, chilling at the
Ranch, 'bout to leave in a few. I'm 'bout to go back into
society. I haven't been home free for four years. I always
ran from my group homes. I wasted my teenage years to
the street, but I knew what I was getting into, so I don't
blame anybody else but myself. Everybody out there living
the thug life, it's 'cause you want to live it.
-Enano
From The Beat: If your life in the streets was a waste, does that mean
you won't be going back there again when you're free? After four years,
what parts of your old life besides the streets will you use as a base to
get your real life going again? What help, like job counseling, could you
use now, to prepare you for your new life?
ABIackSool
Do you not like my attitude?
My walk? My features?
Well, that's okay
I'm not here to please you
Anyways, God made me light-skinned and gorgeous
I will walk my black body
Across the stage with a smile
'Cause God made me a black soul child
-Micole
From The Beat: We hope the beauty you describe comes from the inside
because it's that kind of beauty that lasts. When you write about
"walking across the stage with a smile," we hope you're talking about
graduating from high school. That's even more important than whether
you're gorgeous or not!
.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
Where will I end up when all this unfolds
in the joint doing life paralyze
I don't know
the ways that things are going
shhh is getting shady
eflng everybody including homies ladies sedated
gave birth to a menace
look what the streets created
Armageddon
dreams and illusion I'm the master of
your wishes put it down so vicious
the love of my girl and my mom and when they're gone
everything that was right will turn to wrong
so don't try to cross me double hard
I kill for this money
turn down the pages 'till the day I parole to these haters
lets go blow for blow
eternal ending's got count
your dope get your hood strung out
got to get your own
with a stroke of my venom I say let's ride again
'till death do us part
I'll make this end
enemies wanna die
I say let's ride again
there will be no hesitation
I've been waiting in vain
with a shank in your back
with nothing to say
it's strange why they want to play these games
when it's all about your speed cocaine
moving in the force of the wind
knocking bullets in your system
your chest cave in
transfer all day
to recover a trunk full of dope
coming over the border
I don't give a shhh
battle words and scars
'causing panic because my hunger is solid
your poor state of mind got the drogas you wanted
you get shanked and stuck in the pen
with a nine inch shank that was dipped in lead.
-Dark and Ugly
From The Beat: This paints a pretty intense picture of a challenging life
on the streets. Did you chose to live this life or did you fall into it? We
hear a lot of anger and emotion wrapped up in these words, how do
you feel about what you've shared with us? How do feel about going
back when you get out of the hall? We can only hope you are smarter
than that, and not a fool to your old ways, and fall back into the grips
of the system!
The Beat Within
Aye what's good Beat How are you doing? As for me,
I'm good just kicking it doing my time, living day by day,
waiting on the 23rd of August so I can walk out of here
and not look back.
Well, Mother's Day is coming up, it's sad that this is
going to be the second Mother's Day in a row that my mom
is going to spend with me behind these walls. Hopefully,
that next year we can have a good Mother's Day. I have a
lot to make up for.
Well, Beat, thanks for hearing what I have to say, stay
up and take care, much love and respect from that boy
you love to hate.
-Jesse Boy
From The Beat: You seem to have the right attitude, with an eye toward
the future. The past is set and done, and you can change the future
for the better.
.
-
Power
\
I think violence is necessary because you need it so
people listen to you. You either have money or punk
someone for power. You also have to be intimidating. It's
the survival of the fittest. You can do it by studying and
shhh, but that'll take too long.
-LIT D
From The Beat: We agree that you can gain power with violence, but
how long can that type of power last? There will always be someone
stronger than you and so isn't it just a matter of time until someone
else uses violence to take your power away? We wonder, do you think
there are other ways to gain power that are more secure and more
permanent?
My Music
\
My grandma or granddad probably would not understand
my music. It's not that it's just from a different generation
but a lot of it has different ethics and a lot of meanings
that have changed over the years.
I listen to stuff like Mac Dre and Mista F.A.B. but
I also listen to Nationwide Rip Riders. I'm tolerant with
most kinds of music. I only don't like music that just
sounds like people screaming and hitting stuff.
I'm also sure my grandparents wouldn't like the way
that people who listen to the same music as me talk and
dress.
-T-Bone
From The Beat: We have definitely observed the misunderstandings that
can originate from a generation gap and while it can be frustrating,
it is impressive that you recognize it as a cause of your grandparents'
opinions. We are also impressed that although you have people in life
that disapprove of your music, you remain tolerant of others' music.
Why do you like the music that you do? Do you feel that the artists
you've listed speaks specifically to your generation or your lifestyle?
Stop Repeatin' Yourself!
I lose patience when people ask me the same question
over and over again.
Also when people talk shhh to me I lose my patience
and I just black out.
I also lose my patience when I don't have nothing to do,
but my roommate will always be there in my room and
in my life.
-Impatient
From The Beat: These are all frustrating experiences and can try anyone's
patience. How do you deal with situations like this? Do you take deep
breaths or count to ten? How do you keep from exploding when people
are trying your patience?
'Hood Rapper
I'm a rapper, Man, so you already know I love music. It's
in my blood. My older brothers and my older cousin be
rappin', too. And when we all get together, wherever it
might be — in the box Chev, in the Escalade, in the scrape,
in the house, it don't matter — we just slap on some
instrumentals and start bustin'. Boy, we be gassin'.
I grew up in the 'hood. It's violence everywhere, but
not like the 'hood. Ya boy keep shhh 'hood. I only mess
with ninjas from the 'hood. I'm telling you, all my ninjas
is from the 'hood.
I'm out of time. I was gone tell y'all something, but I
gotta go. All right.
-Yung Tone
From The Beat: We wish you'd give us a sample of your raps. Are all your
raps centered on the 'hood? We have to tell you that by limiting your
associates only to others from your 'hood, you're cutting off most of the
world and a universe of experiences you've never had and never even
imagined. The world is so much bigger than your tiny corner of it, and
its worth exploring.
.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
Darkness In My Sleep
x
When I'm in my bed I try to sleep
But I wonder of what I might see and try not to think
When I close my eyes I see Satan with my soul
And I think of my dirty deed and wonder if my heart
turned to cool
When I sleep I see the people that I destroyed
And I see the ditches that I filled
But in my dream I'm in the grave
I hear a cute go off and my chest starts to cave
I'll never try to run
Instead I reach for mine
'Cause if I go I'm taking one with me
I'll never run never flee
I'm gonna go to hell for my dirty deeds
My gun spark is the last thing they'll see
I won't be thought of as a coward
I'd rather my enemy taste some gun powder
I live my life "loyalty above all laws"
I'll be sure my one falls
But if the rivals catch me slippin'
I know there will be trippin'
I just got one favor to ask
Could you handle this simple task
Make sure those who took my last breath
Die a gruesome-ass death.
-King D
From The Beat: This is a strong reminder of how our past can haunt
us in our dreams. Sounds like you've experienced some things that
have touched you on a deep emotional level. Is there any way you've
found that helps you process these emotions? Do you write or compose
songs or have someone you can talk to? We hope that you learn from
your past, but that it doesn't paralyze you and hold you back from the
future you imagine for yourself, unless you are content with a future of
sadness, incarceration, getting old in prison and death.
Losing Patience
I'm losing patience everyday because we do the same
shhh everyday. We rarely have a different routine. But the
good part is that I'm going to leave the Hall and go to
the ranch where we can play sports and be out the room
everyday. Plus we can go play sports there, and go home
for the day after you been there for a period of time.
-Wright
From The Beat: Boredom can be incredibly frustrating, but we're glad
that you have a change of pace to look forward to. What will you do
when you've finished your time completely in order to keep your life
exciting and positive?
Stop Banging
I stopped banging
'cause my mom told me to.
Well now I talk to everyone.
Gang-banging wasn't my thing I was a little kid.
Well Beat, I'm out.
-I
From The Beat: Changing your behavior for your mom shows your
dedication to your family and realizing that you were just a "little kid"
shows that you can wisely analyze your own behavior. What do you fill
up your time with now? What are your more "grown-up" hobbies and
lifestyle choices?
\
My Music
I like this music because I like the lyrics and the beat
and the rhythm I don't know why, but it's groove man.
-Nomac
From The Beat: Short and sweet. You like what you like and we respect
that. Do you ever think about why you like this music? How does it
make you feel?
Superman
\
I wish I could have Superman's powers because
Superman can fly and if I could fly I would just fly out of
this facility and go to a better place like home.
-LIT G
From The Beat: Flying is one of our favorite super powers. Let us know
how it feels if you ever get to give it a try.
X
My Last Piece
What's crackin Beat and Beat readers. It's that Chicano
named Nemo. Well I would like to start the piece off by
saying what's crackin' to all!
Well, this last week has been pretty hard on me
because I found out my baby girl was sick. I guess she
had been coughing a lot and it was hard for her to sleep. I
remember callin' and hearing her in the background. She
sounded really bad. Every night before I went to sleep I
asked God to take care of her and please help her get
better.
Thanks to Him, everything is good now. My daughter
is healthy and she's not sick anymore. She's 'bout to be a
month and a few weeks old. She's getting big so soon.
By the time this piece is read by you I will be at the
ranch waiti'n to get visits from her.
Well, this Chicano is out. Everybody stay up.
-Nemo
From The Beat: We so glad to hear that your daughter's okay. Man,
when our loved ones are threatened we can truly sort out and define
our priorities for our lives. Sounds like you've had an opportunity to
realize how important your daughter and her health is to you. Do you
think this realization will affect you in the future? Or any of your future
plans?
\
Tie Tiger Ail He lot Pocket
Ok, so there was an Asian guy at a bus stop smoking a
stogie. So I asked for a stogie, and he said, "Ok, sure, but
would you listen to a story while you smoke it?" I said
sure, so the Asian guy said that two days ago he saw a
tiger jump out of a beard of an Indian guy at the 7-11, and
the tiger started talking to him.
The tiger said, "There's a monkey on my back and I
can't get him off." So the Asian guy karate chopped the
tiger, and it turned into a ham & cheese hot pocket. Then
he gave me the hot pocket, and I threw it at someone at
the next bus stop.
I -Born To Skate
From The Beat: We can't tell if you were also born to bs or not... Is this
story true, or did it come out of your imagination? (We like it either way.)
If it really happened, do you think the Asian guy was crazy? Why would
he tell you a story like this? And why would you throw a sandwich at
someone waiting for the bus? That doesn't make any sense to us.
re
-
The Feel Of The Underground
First of all my mom hates my music. Whenever we are
in the car together and I am listening to my music she
makes me turn it off.
I like underground music because it has good
beats and the lyrics talk about things that I like to do.
It makes things like using drugs and selling drugs seem
all right while you listen to underground music. I also
like underground music because a lot of it is angry and it
talks about how I feel.
-Juan
From The Beat: You make a good point in this piece. We think that many
people are drawn to music and art that they can relate to and lets them
know that they're not alone. When did you start listening to the music
you listen to now? What did you listen to when you were a kid? Did your
music taste change as your interests changed?
.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
Life On The Run
x
Life on the run is a hard way to live. You always got to
watch your back fo' the cops. You always got to wonder
where you're going to sleep at night. You can't really be at
home because the cops just might end up going to your
house while you're there. And also, a lot of people like
family members.
-Eddie
From The Beat: We think the hardest part of being on the run is that it
never ends. You never get to rest or feel free. Sometimes, its just better
to turn around and face what's chasing you!
I am Almost Out
Man, I am almost out. I can't wait to go home to my mom.
It would be nice to be on the outs soon, but we will see
what happens. I don't know if I am going to school, but
I just want to do good so I don't come back here. Being
here is fun I am not going to lie, but I would rather be at
home. Well Beat, I got to go. So, bye.
-Chomper
From The Beat: Its good that you realize where you want to spend your
time. We know that a lot of guys get caught up in a cycle of doing time
and get used to it, but if you've decided that you'd rather be at home,
it will keep you from coming back. What it is about home that you miss
so much and is so inviting to return to?
Akoil lolaj
X
What's crackn' Beat Within. Well, it's the lil' dude Chivo.
So, I just found out Grinch left today. Yeah, I'm kind of
sad because I won't be able to see him on movements
anymore. But it's all good, I'll see him when he gets out.
Also, got some good news. I might get out sooner
than I thought, so I lookin' forward to that, hopefully it
happens.
Well Beat, hopefully you put this in the Beat. You all
know what up. That's it for today Beat. Alrato.
-Chivo
I From The Beat: We're sorry that your homies gone, but we're glad about
your release news. Let your desire to hang with your brother on the
outs be your motivation to stay out of the hall, but if it's to go back to
your old ways, in no time we will see you again.
Deeper And Deeper In The Dole
\
Hey, what's good Beat? This your boy Chicano. I wanna
talk about my life.
I was born and raised in San Jose. Basically, I started
doin' good when I was young. But after I got into high
school, I started doin' all the bad stuff. I got high and drunk
like e3very day. And my freshman year is when I messed
up. I got locked up and sentenced to two months.
After seeing all the suffering that my family was going
through, I would never see that again. I said to myself,
"Man, I'm never going back. Screw that!" so I had to move
to Oak Grove High School. Then I messed up and got
kicked out. Then I went to Calero to make up my credits,
messed up again, and now I'm back in the hall. Probably
going to the ranch for eight months. Now I have to see my
family suffer for all I did.
So what my message to the younger cats: Don't mess
up, and stay close to your family.
-Km
From The Beat: One thing this pieces shows is that you can find trouble
anywhere. And you can avoid trouble anywhere. Its what you choose
to do with your life that makes the difference. So, although you give
excellent advice for others, what's your advice for yourself? What are
you willing to give up to stop your family's suffering? After all, they've
sacrificed a lot for you, so now it's your turn.
//// //
Living Full Throttle Till the End
I'll be banging 'till the world ends
Only got love for mi familia and my friends
I hate my enemies with a passion
Their skulls is what I'll be bashing
My memory is filled with stab-wounds and bullet holes
So to relieve my stress I smoke doobies and bowls
I hate snitches
To their jaws I'll take a baseball bat
I'm locked up 'cause my cousin couldn't keep her mouth
shut
And when I think of her I get a twist in my gut
I ain't trippin I'll do the time
I guess that's what happens when you do the crime
Even though my life is full of tragedy I hold back my
tears
That's what you have to do living in full gear
That's what happens when there are no breaks
And I can't even slow down only accelerate
Every time I see those fools
It's time to smash
So I'll keep smashing until I crash.
-King D
From The Beat: This is a good snapshot of your wreck less past and how
you're feeling right now. Are there things that you have to sacrifice
to live this kind of life? Do you mind ending up in the Hall or do you
consider it just part of the lifestyle? We appreciate your honesty about
your life, but we don't want you to feel like you're locked into one
way of being your whole life. What other futures can you imagine for
yourself? Wake up!
A Poem For Your Girlfriend
ne
For I
\
Damn baby girl, how much I miss you
Waiting for the day that I could kiss you
Hold you in my arms and call you my Boo,
And tell you how much I truly love you.
I had a dream about you last night
I dreamed that you were my wife
That we were the happiest people in sight
But waking up was the bad part,
It felt like someone just stomped on my heart.
It felt like the whole world just fell apart
I wanted that dream to last forever
Because that is the only way that we can be together
Baby you are the best thing that has happened to me
I can't wait for that moment when I'm free
Baby girl you know I love you
And just know that I am always thinking of you.
-Juan
From The Beat: It takes real strength to admit the things that make us
weakest. Your feelings may not be dramatic, but they're beautiful. We
wish you both the best.
-
Into Night School And Beyond
Well, Beat, this is your boy in the max unit chilling,
waiting for time to ass by. It's hella boring, I guess,
waiting to go to Life Skills unit so I can get out of this
toilet and into the closet where I can get more freedom,
and hopefully receive a full-time job in the outs and just
stay busy. Then get out and roll into night school and
just take care of myself and family.
Well, Beat, this is it for me today 'til paper meets
paper. To all my carnales, stay strong-minded. Alrato.
-Camacho
From The Beat: Well, this is the first time we've read that someone
wants to get into the closet for more freedom! But we're all for more
freedom, wherever you find it. We also applaud your plan to go to night
school to fill in your educational foundation and move ahead with your
life. Sounds like a winning plan to us.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
Bottom
From straight As
To straight C's
From playing with toys
To beating up boys
From going to school
To acting a fool
From playing with guns
To looking over the damage I've done
From doing good
To running with the hood
From keeping it cool
To ditching my schools
From mama's kisses and hugs
To alcohol and drugs
From never setting myself to fail
To winding up in jail
From saying I'll become a new man
To forgetting about my future plan
From going worse to worse
To having to deal with my mighty curse
From failing but trying my best
To being afraid of what life brings me next.
-Lefty
From The Beat: This is a very good description of what hitting bottom
feels like. It sounds like you've been through the worst that you could
imagine. It may seem like everything's lost, but we hope you find
something more there. You have the talent to do big things! Its on you
Lefty!
My Music
Check it
I listen to rap music.
I don't give a shhh if you think its stupid.
-Adrian
From The Beat: Why so defensive? Have you had many people attack the
music that you listen to? How did that make you feel? What role does
music play in you life?
Hit Bottom
x
I think I been hitting the bottom since I was fourteen
years old, since the first time I hit this juvenile hall. I got
here 'cause of alcohol made me want to fight my friend and
get him in the hospital. Then came the drugs. I really fell
in love with drugs and got sent to rehab for three months
and then got out and went to the same thing. Next thing
you know I am in this facility going to the ranch.
-Lil' G
From the Beat: Sometimes we don't bounce as high from hitting bottom
as we'd hoped. But it's not the end. We wish you good luck in freeing
yourself from "love" and loss.
What I Think
ay in
I just
Well Beat, I don't got much to say. Just another day
the hall. I am hoping I get my two-week release. I just
have to be eligible for it and I pray every night that it
comes true.
I want to surprise my mom. She thinks that I am
getting out in August, but I might get out in June. It's
crazy 'cause I've been here for a minute and I just can't
believe it. Well, just wish me luck Beat. With that I'm
out.
-Shobiz
From The Beat: It sounds like you are very anxious to get out. Besides
surprising your mom, what other things are you looking forward to
about going home? Do you think that these things will be enough to
keep you out of the hall again?
-
No Change Please
\
It doesn't matter who becomes president, if it's a
democrat they're gonna get assassinated. It don't matter
if it's a black man or white lady, America hates change.
-T
From the Beat: We often hear this comment, and we think you'd be
surprised. All people can talk about this election is change. It may not
happen right away, it may have opponents, but change can make the
world better, step by step and action by action.
My Dearest Madre
Hey what up it's got to be that homeboy Psycho. Just
chillin' here. Well I just want to say something real quick,
well Madre mia I just want to say that I love you for the
fact that you've always been there for me. I've been doing
time here for the longest time and you've never missed a
Sunday visit in like five years and I really appreciate that,
Mom. I love you until I hit my grave.
-Psycho
From the Beat: You seem to be really thankful to your mom and sorry
for what's been going on in your life. Good luck in making her life and
yours better. Sounds to us like the time is now, given you know the pain
you have put your mom through for five years!! Stop being selfish!!
My Autobiography
If someone read a book about my life, it would have its
ups and downs — bad or sad moments, but also fun and
exciting ones, too. But today it's about me, so I'ma tell
you a little bit of what's goin' on.
I was born and raised in San Jose. And, as most of
us young teenagers, our lives haven't been the happiest.
We grow up around gang banging. Therefore, our lives are
pretty messed up. I grew up not caring about rules or
laws. I was always getting into trouble in school, fighting
and other stupid things we all do when we bang.
Now, everything's pretty much the same after ten
years old. Just trouble and handcuffs. But like I said, I
had my fun. Chillin' with the older homeboys; also doing
what I wasn't supposed to be doing.
Now I'm 18, sittin' in juvenile because my "so-called
crime" was committed when I was 17. so, the DA's
decidin' whether to charge me as an adult. Now, some
people think that I have less time than 25 to life, which
I'm thankful for. But I rather get charged with attempted
murder because what I got don't fly.
But I'm innocent. Only one of my witnesses is
testifying. The other two are homeboys who were there
but don't want to clear my name because they're scared
to be called snitches. But I think they should testify
because my name will be all bad if they don't.
Knowing I didn't commit the crime, they're willing to
let me risk my life in the pinta (the pen), just because
someone doesn't wanna help a friend or used-to-be
friends.
But now, the only friend I trust is Jesus Christ. If
I were you guys, I'd still kick it, but like a real soldado
(soldier), watch who you hang out with 'cause you never
know! I hate fake people, but I'm nobody to judge.
Read Timothy (2). Thank The Beat Within and all the
souls of this world, and God bless everybody (Jesus loves
us). Much love and respect to all. Alrato.
-Smirk
From The Beat: We hope your friends (or former friends) find the
courage to tell the truth in your case. (If the tables were turned, would
you testify to clear their names?) Even if you're innocent of this crime,
aren't you living your life in a way that makes the odds very high that
you'll end up in the pinta, or worse? Do you have any plans to change
the kinds of things that have led you here?
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
M) lite
x r
Hey what's up Beat!? Well you know who is this right,
well your one and only ninja.
Well today I will talk about my life. See, I'm 18 years
old and I'm going to the ranch. It sucks because I have
a daughter and my baby's mama that are out there and
waiting for me. It sucks to be away from my daughter,
she's barely three months and I'm going to be locked up
for her first year. But you want to know something, Beat?
I think I already learned my lesson, and I swear on my
baby that this is going to be the last time I will be away
from her.
Now, I realize that being out there doing crimes, that's
not for me no more, now there is someone I have to look
out for and just for her I'm going to change. Well, Beat,
that's all for today, I'm out.
-Herg
From The Beat: It sounds like you have a goal and a reason for reaching
it. If you really love your daughter, I know you'll do all you can for
A Giod Kii
\
Looking through the hour glass
Time after, his time passed
Calendars fall off the wall
The tick-tock of the clock stops
All the lights form a circle
All darkness with one circle of light
You're in a room
They're telling the judge you're a good kid
Paying for your actions
They call it...
He's a good kid
-V
From The Beat: Are you a good kid? We think the halls are filled with
"good kids" who, too easily, get caught up in the drama of the streets
and end up in places like this. But clocks don't stop and calendars don't
fall of the wall. Time moves forward endlessly, and it won't wait for you.
So, rejoin the world and keep moving forward.
Mi Lite
X
What's crackin'? It's the homie Frank the Tank, comin'
through from this so-called "max unit." Well, I was born
in San Jose. My life has been coo' so far. Just that I'm
back here for some shhh I didn't do. But I'ma ride it out
like I'm supposed to.
Back to the topic, I went to Dorsa Elementary for,
like, three years. Then I went to Meyer Elementary after
we moved up the street. I was in 2nd grade when I started
there. Everything was going coo'. I was getting good
grades. Well, I still am, but I didn't do the things I do
now.
Things started going bad when I was in, like, 6th
grade. That's when I first started everything I kind of do
now. At first, I thought I was bad. But I was a youngster. I
didn't know what's up. Then I started getting deeper into
it. I started getting respect from older heads, and I knew I
belonged.
I got smarter and I stopped wearing colors to catch
more foo's slippin'. In my block, rivals like to come
through sometimes. That's why I love my block.
I never really made it to a real high school, just
continuations. Overfelt High School didn't want to accept
me, I don't know why. But it's coo' 'cause continuation
schools give more credits. That's why I'm ahead. I'ma
graduate early and I'm planning to go to college and get
a good job to make good money for my family... well,
basically my mom. I hate to see her cry because I'm in
here.
Sometimes I feel like slowing down just for her, but I
can't stop won't stop.
Well, this time is almost up. Hopefully, this makes it.
-Ko
From The Beat: We really want to encourage you to follow through
on your plans to go to college so you can make a life for yourself.
Don't pretend that you "can't stop" because it makes it sound like you
are helpless to control your life. You're not helpless! If you choose not
to stop ("won't stop") then you're really telling your mother that she
just has to get used to shedding tears for you because you have other
things that are more important than her in your life. If you "won't stop,"
then your dreams of college will remain dreams. It's all in your hands —
including the future of your mother's tears...
Life Is Hard
Growing up is hard
It's like a playing card
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
But you always get to choose
Playing a game
But know shhh ain't the same
The streets are getting hotter
But to some people, it don't matter
I'll rather get smarter
Stay in school
And don't act a fool
Learn how to play the game right
'Cause if you don't, you might die tonight
It's the way you live life
Catching enemies out of sight
And there goes another fight
Going back to the hall
Know you need to stand tall
Waiting to go to the ranch
That's all for today, Beat
'Til next time
-Spooky
From The Beat: We really like the determination you show to stay
in school and give yourself the educational foundation you need to
broaden your mind and to prepare you for a decent future in freedom.
Yes, it is hard, but so is being locked up and under the control of
strangers. Don't forget...
r
-
Patience
What's up with it, Beat!
Sometimes I don't have it, but sometimes we all don't.
It's normal because we all want what we want, now.
If there was an opportunity to have that privilege,
we would have it already, correct?
When I go crazy, I get thoughts like "forget it,
I don't want it anymore!"
but I think twice and pray to God and say,
"give me the strength to accept the things I can't
change,
and please give me the power to change the things that
I can."
-Rena
From The Beat: How very reasonable. Stay this way. It's a road that leads
in the 'right' direction.
Batman!
My favorite superhero is Batman cause he can fly and he
has super powers. He pimps Catwoman and his sidekick
is Robin. Off tops, Batman is the best hero, I want to be
just like him.
-Sterling
From The Beat: You make Batman's life sound pretty ideal. We think
its fun to have superhero role models. Let us know when you get your
cape.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
My Buddy Dennis
Well, I'm gone. I'm going to tell you about my buddy
Dennis! He go! I'm gonna miss him when I'm gone! He
be making me laugh. I be loving his fits too. Man, Dennis
stay fitted! He be smashin' on the freeway just to come
see us! He be making the funniest faces and saying the
funniest stuff when he's tryin' to be sneaky. My buddy,
Dennis.
-Your Buddy
From The Beat: We're sure Dennis appreciates your fine goodbye. And
we're sure he wishes the best of everything for you. We know he and
his Beat colleague wants you to do well.
Make It Last
I want to make it last forever
I'm tryin' to say forever we will be together
I know you feel the same way I do
That's why it's all good Boo Boo
What I have for you is so totally true
People will always get in our shhh,
But our shhh is legit.
I like the way you make me feel
And I'm being so for real.
We'll make it last forever,
Me and you are both so clever,
With us combined everybody else will be under the
weather.
There is going to be no you without me and no me
without you.
Now that's what I call love, baby.
-Sephina
From The Beat: Forever is a long long time. Will you settle for a lifetime?
How 'bout one day at a time?
My Music
I like my music because a lot of the people that make it
come from the same type of environment as me. I can't
lie, though, that some of the rappers today say a lot of
stuff that doesn't apply to them, but to other people.
Also, the music I listen to gets me in a good mood,
and it makes me feel better listening to it.
-Frankie
From The Beat: Do you have a particularly favorite song you like to
listen to when you're feeling down to lift your spirits? Do you ever
listen to the same music your mother listens to? What does she like?
Losing Patience
Q-vole what's up Beat? Well I am very happy because
when this gets published I will be at home with my family!
I leave in 25 days.
Well, today's subject is about losing patience. Well, I
lose my patience very rarely. I can take shhh from people,
but then there is a point when I can't take any more. It
takes a long, long time to get me mad. I let things slide
and slide.
After a while, I get fed up with it and I just go off.
There have been people that have lost patience with me,
like my mother, but it's a two way street. I also get to the
point where I lose my cool with her, but I still respect her.
She's my mother and I love her to the death, no matter
what.
-Angela
From The Beat: Long fuse. That's good. Stay cool. Don't explode. But
focus on what brought you to your temporary accomodations. Put your
attention on your real problems. You'll solve them, if you stay focused.
dy,
Idy
And
fall
X
-
My Music
\
Well, I think music is a wonderful thing, depending on
what you listen to. I appreciate it because it takes you
away from whatever shhh you was going through. I also
noticed that, depending on what type of music you're
listening to, it has an effect on your mind.
If I had a choice of music right now, it would be oldies
because oldies are forever.
-H-Man
From The Beat: Which oldies do you like best? Who introduced you to
the oldies you listen to?
Love
What's up, Beat?
Today I'm gonna write about this girl that I'm in love
with but she doesn't know how much I really care and
really love her. I'll do whatever to prove to her but she
doesn't give me a chance. Damn Beat, I just wanna tell
her but I can't. I'm afraid of getting turned down. I don't
want her to make me look like a fool and this girl got me
so bad that I'll drop anything for her, She's a beauty, but
yeah.
-Ronnie
From The Beat: Ronnie, if we were to make a whole Beat within filled
with the writing from your heart, it would make a very interesting
magazine indeed. Perhaps you should have your own reality show: The
Lovelife of Ronnie from Gilroy.
J
Patiently Waiting
Aye what's good Beat? As for me, nothing much - same
as always. Damn, I've been waiting to get sent to the
Ranch for three and a half months now! These ninjas is
trippin'.
I'm ready to go home Beat, to be with my family, and
my lady. I'm patiently waiting to return to her so she can
I be in my arms once again. She's the one I want and I
I need. Got me straight up confessing a feeling to her.
I'm supposed to be getting sent to the Ranch soon,
so I'm hella juice-in-it because that means I get my OTs
sooner.
Alright then, time's almost up, so I'm gonna cut this
here. Late.
L-Nessa
From The Beat: Stay patient. Before you can blink three hundred and
twelve times, you'll be on your way.
It's Cool
X
Hey what up Beat. Well, I'm not feeling the topics, but
damn I have court on the 20th.
I'm hoping to get out to go to my dad's, but if not, I
want to try to do hall time. But anyways, I've been hella
laughing at all these haters talking.
I mean J-Hall is nothing but drama. But people talk,
and some people walk the walk. But it's cool. I just let
one thing out in one ear and out the other. But it's cool,
people talk hella but it's whatever... hahaha. But I just
hope they let me out, but the only thing I can do is pray
that everything goes good at my court date. I'm going to
make this short, but One Love.
-Cool One
From The Beat: We notice, that you're quick to unload on your colleagues.
Maybe its their way of coping with a difficult situation. We aren't saying
its the best way, but maybe it's the best they can do, for right now. So,
give them a break, and concentrate on how you can make your own
life better. We do wish you the best and we hope you get that day in
court, soon.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
When I Die
X r
Remember when I die I don't want you to cry.
Just hold your head up high
and keep your dreams to the sky,
'cause in your eyes babe, I see no lie.
And you know what - 1 love you so much.
When I die, when I die, ara ya, will you be by my side,
miss me with pride, and keep my name alive?
Baby, when I die, will there still be love in your eyes
for me? Will you still see things the same way
you do baby? When I die, I want your pretty face
to be the last thing I see. I'm sorry.
I'm stuck in my ways.
I pray everyday that maybe one day I'll change.
You know the rest.
You say my life's a mess, and I'm possessed,
and I just think I'm overstressed, when I die.
-Angela
From The Beat: Hey, you do like those sad ones. But when you're
grieving, anything that lets those feelings out is good.
Shackled Life
I've been wanting to write a book called Shackled Life.
It feels like whether I'm in here or out, I'm still locked
up in a different way. It's about change, and how I think
differently. Ever since I've been here I've realized you
can't depend on no one, and if you want to change, you
have to help yourself. When I was at the ranch I always
messed up and I blamed it on my medication and how it
wasn't helping me.
But really it was me and how I conducted myself. I'm
finally going to a placement. It's 9 months, then I'll be
back to the streets. But I'm not going to be dumb and get
locked up. Because I'm going to be rich and get a job while
I'm at the placement I'm going to move to. I can't live in
San Jose no more. It's a police station. My ambition is to
do good and reach my goal. Well, I'm going to go to my
program to start by the end of June, so this should be my
last and only piece.
-Trey
From The Beat: We hope this is your last piece. We also hope that you
have the motivation and confidence to reach your goals, 'cause we do.
You can do anything you put your mind too. We believe it and you
should believe it, also. Don't lose track of your goals. Stay focused and
you will get it done.
Hello Beat... Really.
What's up Beat? Well, today is a co'o day I guess. The
Beat's the only thing I look forward to in the week, that
and my dad coming to visit me. But he hasn't in awhile,
but it's okay. Well, here's a poem to my man:
Baby, I'm for real, and our love is not pretend.
I wanna say I love you cuz tomorrow may never come
again.
I wanna be with you forever.
Haven't you noticed we're meant to be together?
Having a future is my destiny.
Being stupid is something you told me not to be.
Sorry, I can't help it, 'cause trouble follows me.
But like I said, baby, I'm for real and our love is not
pretend.
We're gonna be together and forever till the end.
-Salinas
From The Beat: We're very happy that you look forward to our visits. We
hope your dad gets back on track. And we hope your guy appreciates
your poem. Til next week, then....
\
-
A Cholo's Autobiography
\
Well, it started when I was 15 years old, when I started
getting locked up. The first time I came in for "GTA"
(Grand Theft Auto). We were just having a good time one
night after a quinciafiera, me and some homies.
We didn't want to end the party too early, so we
decided to steal a car and go into a rival neighborhood
and get into trouble. But we ended getting caught before
anything could happen. I was the driver, and when we
got pulled over, I told the passenger to go ahead and run
because he already had a record, and I didn't.
That was my first time getting locked up. So, he ran
and they took me in. but ever since then, I've been in and
out of here. Now I'm 18 years old, and I'm here in the max
unit. But it's all good because I'm getting out next month
and I'll be back on the street doing the same thing that
I've always been doing. So I'm looking forward to going to
county pretty soon.
I like this life I live, and I'm never gonna stop because
I can't. Much love to your boy, Cholo.
-Cholo
From The Beat: It sounds to us like you're writing your own ticket to the
next level of incarceration. If you're just going to keep doing "the same
thing" then, of course, you can expect the same results. That's your
choice, but it's hard for us to understand why someone would choose
to be a follower (prisoners are followers by definition) taking orders
from a bunch of strangers instead of being the master of your own
life. To say you "can't stop" is not true, unless you have no control over
your own life. Saying you're never gonna stop is foolishness. If you
don't stop yourself, you'll find yourself stopped by thick walls and razor
ribbon fences! Why wait 'til then?
I Only Have Eyes For You
\
I lie on my bunk thinking about parties and having fun.
It was hella crazy when I met you, you were straight up
and didn't give a shhh.
I remember when you approached me, I didn't know
what to say or how to react but you said: 'Hey girl, what's
your name? Let me get at you for a minute and I'll be on
my way."
It's crazy because I have mad love for you to the
fullest, you my boy. I'm your gangs ta boo. I'll be with you
through thick and thin - we be like Bonnie and Clyde. No
matter what happens to us, I'll always be your ride or die
chick and best believe I only have eyes for you.
To be continued ... Well that's all for today. To the
peeps in the hall, keep your head up - don't trip. I feel
you.
-Lil' Ezzy
From The Beat: Remembering vivid memories from the outside world are
so important when you are locked up. This person sounds special.
My Seeereere
\
Hey what up Beat. Well, today's topic is "superhero" so
let me tell you about my superhero. He's sexy, has a nice
smile, and is funny. He's my super hero because he helps
me through a lot of stuff. He's like my best friend. He
supports me. He doesn't let me throw my life away. He
doesn't like when I do drugs. He's just my good superhero,
always showing me what's best. And I'm his superhero
too. I help him with his stress and with his mother. I'm
like his hero that takes all his pain away. We're just good
superheroes to each other. What can I say, we're Bonnie
and Clyde, doing it live. Well, I'm going to make this short,
but I'm missing my superhero.
- Chu
From The Beat: From the sound of it, he misses you, as well. So, be a real
superhero and clean yourself up. Superheroes deserve respect, and that
means self-respect, too, not like Bonnie and Clyde! Educate yourself!
.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
This Life
Living this life with so much struggles. Wishing I can
just stay out of trouble. Hope one day I can hold my love
and cuddle. This life is so hard to live. Losing the ones I
call my kids (siblings). I want my life to be the way it was
when I was always happy and full of love. I'm about to be
eighteen and I can't seem to get my life right. I'm gonna
try to do my best so that I can get back to my kids. I can
say that's one of my biggest wishes.
There's so much going on, my man is locked up
and I don't really know what to do if I lose him. He's my
everything. I don't care who claims him. He's my man and
straight up that's a fact. This life might be hard but I'm
gonna do my best and never give up on the people I love.
- Linda
From The Beat: Yes, life is hard but it sounds like you know what you
want. You say you want to do your best, but what does that mean
exactly? Maybe you can make a solid plan while you are locked up.
Lising My Patience
X
So they want us to write about these topics but I can't
think of anything. So, I'm gonna write about my own
topic.
Well, I get out in early August, and I'm hella happy.
I miss my best friend and I hope she's okay out there. I
know that I should be out there with her. Well, I guess I
will talk about losing my patience.
I'm losing my patience because I miss my lady. I'm
losing my patience because I'm 18, and I'm still in this
place. I'm losing my patience because these 'lil girls in
here irritate me, a lot. Well, yeah, I think you guys get the
point. I'm out. Late!!
-Cassy
From The Beat: To be impatient puts you at great risk of missing the cool
things that are happening right NOW, this second. If you pay attention
to what's happening all around you, and within you, we guarantee,
you'll never be bored. Give it a shot.
What's Cracking Beat
I'm going to tell you about when I got locked up. I
bounced from my pad when I was on EMP to go to my girl
friend's pad and she was like: get you're ass home right
now. So I was walking home with her and we got to my
pad and my mom told my PO I was at home and he was
like: ok.
Then I hung up the phone and I was chilling in my pad
with my girlfriend listening to some Woodie and Norm
comes with the cops and they're like: you have a warrant.
And they told my girl to step out side and she stepped
outside. She bounced and then they took me to the hall,
and now I'm here. That's all I got. Peace.
-Brandon
From The Beat: When you're on house arrest you have to follow the rules
and stay at the house. No exceptions. If you step out of your house,
even to go to the store, you better be expecting some consequences
for your actions. You should know better. You need to have patience.
Soon you will be off probation and be able to go anywhere, and do
what you want. But in the meantime you're on probation. Follow all the
guidelines so you won't find yourself locked up.
Vanpira
X
they're hella sick. You should
I'd want to be a vampire,
read "Twilight".
-Jaz
From The Beat: After we've read the hundreds and thousands of other
books on our list, we'll consider your recommendation. Until then,
please, don't bite.
X
-
It All Started When....
X
It started when I started the high school. I started
meeting many people. Then I felt like I was sitting in
one certain group that appreciated the things I did. Over
time it affected me. I started doing bad in school. Started
disrespecting my elders and making myself an ignorant
person. People in my group started recognizing me for
who I was becoming. I liked attention. Then at the same
time many people started hating on me for the reputation
I was gaining amongst others.
That's when all the rumors and fights started
happening. I felt that I had to take action. I started many
problems with others that had something against me. So,
dealing with many problems and regrets, I started using
drugs to ease my problems. But later, I noticed that I was
making the wrong choices. I started banging -hanging
around with my boys. That lead to the worst - committing
crimes. Continuing with this gangbanging life, I started
noticing that my love ones were worrying more and more
about me. My mom kept telling me to change my ways,
but I refused.
Days later my boys told me to meet up with them at
a certain time. At that time we met up, but little did we
know that a rival gang member was around the corner.
We did what we thought was right. We rushed the guy.
We ran, and met up at a near home boy's house. Little did
we know someone had seen the whole scene. The person
had called the police and revealed our location. I knew I'd
made a mistake, and some times I think back on and wish
I wouldn't have done.
-Tazz
From The Beat: You can't take back what you did. You can't change the
past, young homie. The only thing you can do now is focus on right now.
Because whatever decisions you make, right now is definitely gonna
affect your future. You made a few bad decisions, and now you have to
learn from them. Learn from them and make sure you don't make them
again. It would be pointless for you to go out there and make the same
mistakes again. That would mean you hadn't learned anything and that
you really don't care about your future.
Thought I Had A Friend
iat
\
Have you ever thought you had a good friends and
you've known him/her for a while, and then you guys go
do something dumb together then you end up here? Well
that's what happened to me. I got locked up with my so-
called girl and by the second week she's already running
her mouth about me. I confront her and says nothing, so
I'm still cool with her and after a while she starts dissing
me and then she starts mugging me, so then I'm still
taking the whole blame and trying to get her out, then she
starts saying that it's my fault that she's in here - so now
I don't even know how to react, but f — it, I guess I learn
from my mistakes and won't trust someone like that!
-Cupcake
From The Beat: Getting in serious trouble with a friend is really difficult
because you aren't just trying to manage your own emotions. The system
is notorious for turning friends against each other, but our advice is for
you two to be strong and get back to your friendship, otherwise the bad
guys will have won.
Finaly Checking In
Well, I got back on A-level on Monday, so I got to come to
Beat Within. I've been doing coo' in the unit.
Well Beat, I've been here for a few months and I finally
leave to the ranch sometime in June.
-Becky
From The Beat: We're glad you're back and glad that the next step in
your rehabilitation is coming up. Do well at the ranch. You can always
write to us from the outs.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
Ezzy
Well, I'm going to talk about my homegirl Ezzy because
I'm going to miss her a lot. The reason why I'm writing
this to her is to be able to tell her that I really do care
for her. And another reason is because she is going to be
gone for a long time and all I got to say to her is to keep
her head held up high and to be strong, for her not to
stress any longer. And for her to keep having faith in the
Lord because he is big and he works his ways. So Ezzy,
I don't have any more to tell you but to keep your head
up lil sister, just remember that I love you and I do care
for you. Okay Ezzy, take care. And be good wherever you.
Just remember that I love you sis. Love always.
-Luis's Wifey
From The Beat: Ezzy is lucky to have so many people giving her good
advice and love like this. Thanks for this piece and we hope you are
following your own advice wherever you are.
Damn!
Damn!... I've been here for three weeks already for
getting in a fight and they want to say it was a "gang-
related" fight.
The cops say I was in a gang and shhh....They want to
send me to the ranch...
Damn... I hella miss my man! I love him very much
and I also miss my best friends and family. I just want
them to know that I love them very much and I want my
man (Nico) to know that too!
-Jackie
From The Beat: We empathize with you — we've all been in situations
where we feel we've been wrongly accused. Situations like this are
tough to handle. How can you deal with it in positive ways? If you
could go back, would you still have engaged in that fight? We hope it
turns out alright...
My Story, My Feelinys
X
Both of my parents are from Mexico. My mom is from
Jalisco, a little town called San Martin Lemolafios and my
dad is from Parral Chiguagua.
Well I don't know how my parents met but they were
lost in love, pero as time went by my sisters were born
and me as well. But more time went by, as I got older, I
started to see more problems going on with my mom and
dad.
My dad started cheating on my mom and my dad
started to get locked up, pero when he would get out he
would come back home and he would start hitting my
mom and he would hit my sisters and me as well.
But when I had turned 7 years old, my dad got locked
up again, but this time he was locked up for a very long
time. And since then I haven't heard from him.
Now I'm 18 years old and still don't know any info
from him, all I know is that he got deported to Mexico.
I have talked to my dad only a couple of times, but
this time that I've been here, I haven't heard anything
from him.
But as for my mom, I still live with her pero before I
got locked up three months ago, I was living with my baby
Luis. And from there, we were having some problems and
I had moved out back to my mom's and ever since, I've
been in here - about three or four months - locked up.
All I have to say about my mom is that I love her with all
my heart and I want to let her know that I'm so sorry for
breaking her heart one more time. Mommy, I'm sorry.
-Luis's Wifey
From The Beat: Wow, this is a beautiful and intense family story and we
thank you for sharing. Hopefully you will find your father and connect
with him soon.
X
J L
Colorado?
\
I had court today. It went okay, I guess. I'ma be going
out of state to Colorado. I am kind of trippin', maybe
just a lil bit. I'm tripping 'cause I don't want to leave my
lady Beatrice and my brother, my lil nephew Angel and
my sister Felicia. I don't want to leave none of my family.
Damn, I'ma hella miss all of them.
I hope I get my O.T., so I can go visit them. Well, I call
my lady when I can. And damn when I talk to her I get
hella happy. Even when I talk to her sisters that makes
me feel good.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I saw my ex-old man
and it hurt to see him in here and messing up. Jose, if
you're reading this I miss you! And I hope you start to do
good. Well I wish you all the best luck so' till next time
I I'm out. Laaate.
-Loonie
From The Beat: They say distance makes the heart grow fond and this
piece seems to bring that saying to life. Hopefully you will be united
with those you love in due time.
The Song
\
Like the song say: "Look into my eyes and tell me what
you see?" You can see my world, my past, and my meaning
of life. When I think about that one quote in the song, I
think about the gangster in me.
If you was to know me, you would know the song
"Remember the Day" is the homies' song because it
says so much about what's gone on and happened in my
life and my homies' life. We've been through it all and
survived it all - it's the life I've chosen and the family I've
chosen. "Nothing comes between me and my family that
I I've chosen."
-Sy Girl
From The Beat: You say nothing can come between you and the family
you have chosen ... but what exactly does this family mean for you?
We want you to take this time to explore all your relationships. Think
about this family and what they do for you and what this means to
your future.
The Hulk
I would be The Hulk because he can destroy anybody.
The Hulk would be pretty hard to beat. I also pick him
'cause he can destroy anything in his path. My strength
is too powerful and I would try to escape from the army
database. If someone took my DNA I would try to look
for him and try to kill him pretty much. I would use the
powers to save everyone in the world.
-Magic
From The Beat: You speak truth — it would be pretty hard to beat The
Hulk. Also, it would be cool to be green. The best part of this piece,
though, is that you would try to save everyone in the world. That's a
great thing and we know you really mean it. Are there ways that you
can save even just one person? From what?
Wolverine
I would be Wolverine so I can have healing powers and
titanium claws. So I can get out anything and won't die.
Or, I would be Superman so I would be indestructible
and have laser powers also. I can't die unless kryptonite
kills me and no one knows where kryptonite is. I would
protect everyone with the powers that I have. Superman
fights...
-Ur
From The Beat: We would love it, too, if you were Superman. That way
we would be safe if we were ever in trouble. We're serious, too — we
believe that you would do what you say and protect everyone. Who can
you protect now? Family? Friends? Who protects you?
.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
Dear My 21-Year Old Self,
x
How've I been? I've been alright. You know you're going
to think about me getting locked up but everything's been
cool being in all the rooms. The food's nasty but there's
been good times with the homies, playing handball,
chilling, playing dominoes. Good times. I was on supply
so my days have been going by fast but remember how I
wanted to grow up.
I wanted to be a basketball player. I hope you're doing
that now. I hope your life has been going well after the
lockup. So as for me, I'm just sitting here talking to The
Beat Within staff talking about life and things. It's cool.
Well, keep in touch. Stay up.
Your homie,
-Milpitas
From The Beat: This is a great letter. When you get this Beat, will you
keep it until you're 21? That would be cool if you did, 'cause then your
21 -year old self could really read it. We thing he would probably look
back and remember that you are keeping your head up through the
rough times.
Moving On
So what you had didn't fit among the pretty things.
Never fear, never fear.
I now know where you've been.
Braids have been untied as ribbons fall away, leave.
The consequence - my tears.
You'll take falling apart in all that I question.
Is this a dream, or is this a lesson.
He's under my skin.
Just give me something to get rid of him.
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
- another little white lie.
-Katie
From The Beat: The only 'something' we can prescribe in cases like this
Ollies Jans
\
What up, Beat? This is the homeboy Julio once again
back in this hellhole! Well, I failed the ranch and now I'm
getting life skills!
My favorite kind of music would be them oldies jams
and slow jams. You know when you are with the girl you
love and chilling in a BBQ with the family, just chilling
hearing oldies and drinking cold beverages! You know!
Well, I remember being with my girl, happy and having
fun just us together in my backyard!
Or with my cousins when they would be recording
their CDs. Be on the lookout for M.A.E. They blowing up
in San Jose!
Well, in here we be hearing oldies but I don't like it
because it gets depressing! But I'm going to handle my
business and get out so I can do that again — just me and
my girl against the world!
But for real my lady is pregnant and we expect the
baby December something? But I will be 18 soon so that's
why I'm going to take advantage of the time, feel me? I'm
going to be a good daddy and be there for my girl and my
family, you guys feel me?
Well, to all, keep your heads up and let's do this and
get up out of here!
-Julio
From The Beat: The use of all the exclamation points shows us that
you still enjoy life. It's always good to reminisce on the good times.
We always appreciate a person who says he's going to take advantage
of the time. We know you have the potential to be there for your girl
and your child? How can you stay there, though? Looking extremely
far ahead, how will you show your child how he/she can stay out of
the system?
-
Between You And I
\
(Dedicated to my Lady)
Baby Boo
when I look at you
I see a dream
two kids, two dogs, and a wedding ring
I love you girl, won't let you go
I'll lay you down with love
just the two of us
you
and
I
two of the same mind
we go together
like sun in good weather
we'll never
split apart
like the light from the dark
we stay lit
like cherries on B-legits
sweet love
not speaking of drugs
just sweet love between you and I
I promise you my fidelity
and my protection vicinity
I love you my darling
if you shall leave
you have scarred me
I thank you for writing
for the heat that's igniting
alratos to my wifey
this poem's from your hubby
like thunder and lightning
our love is still striking
to my beloved mamasita
good night
sexy chica.
-Piglit
From The Beat: Originality emanates from this piece like perfume from
a pretty woman. Some lines we like: "thunder and lighting/love still
striking"; "sun in good weather"; "dream/wedding ring." You've got a
gift, man. Keep flowing!
Without My Mom!
When you feel like you've done something wrong, have you
ever felt bad inside? Well, when I first got here I felt like shhh
'cause all that ran through my mind was how my mom was.
It hurts me so bad that she cries. It makes me sick to my
stomach.
But then when I'm out there I get annoyed. Sometimes
when she tells me something and I disagree we argue over
and over. But being without her I notice that I'm nothing
without my mom and it hurts me even more and makes me
think of her even more.
She comes to see me often and tells me so many things
about my brother. That he accomplished this and that and
makes me happy but then I look around and tell myself,
"damn how the eff has he accomplished all that and look
where the hell I ended up." Then once more I hug my mom
before she leaves and I see the tears roll down her check and
think about how much pain I've been causing her.
-Beatrice
From The Beat: Tears streaming down a mothers face is something
every child hates experiencing. Your relationship with your mom is very
real — rocky but beautiful. Though she tells you many things about your
brother, we bet she loves you just as much as him, even though you may
not have accomplished as much. The fact that you're alive is probably
enough for her. Still, how can you bring smiles to her face instead of
tears?
.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
RIP To My Homies
x r
I just want to stop by and show my respect and love to
the important people who I've lost.
My brother Elmo died about two years ago. He was the
best brother and homeboy you could ever meet. His death
proves you could never take anything for granted.
Then I want to pay my respect to my cousin "Pelon"
and my cousin "Wicked." My cousin "Pelon" died on my
18th birthday and I got an OT 'cause I was locked up in
this hole.
Then my cousin Wicked passed away this February.
So I just want to stop and pay respect not only to the ones
in my family but to all out there. Much love. I love you
all... watch down on me!
-Kristina
From The Beat: We are sad to hear about so many of your family members
who have passed recently. But we love that you have taken the time to
pay respect to them. How have you dealt with it? Do you feel as if you
have matured because of these deaths? Have they divided your family
and united it? Both?
Always Something
x
[Verse One]
Let me tell ya 'bout the struggle within.
And how we racin' to win.
And if you gangsta to the fullest,
Then yo' sent to the pen.
Although we loyal to the homies,
And staying true to the street,
The cops be messin' with our people.
But they run from the heat.
So now I'm stuck in a phase.
Be catchin' time for my hate.
Trying to make it to the heavens,
Before He closes the gates.
Leadin' my life fast pace
Givin' nothing but bait.
But I'm ready to be a king at any damn rate.
-Johnny Boy
From The Beat: Ok, now we would like to see the next verse. The most
interesting part of this one is "catchin' time for my hate." Do you really
believe this? Was it hate that landed you in the Hall? If so, how can
you channel that hate out positively? Are there realistic ways to deflect
Life Changes
x
What's up Beat?
Dang, I'm hella happy. I'm getting released soon. I get
out on house arrest. It's all good though. I start college
at De Anza this summer — booyah. You know getting
my life on the right track — trying to keep my boss-like
composure. The best feeling is knowing you're doing
something positive in your life. Take everyday as if it's
your last. Dreams never stop. It's only that you can fool
yourself into not fulfilling them.
Quick shout out to my Weto. I miss you foo. I pray
everyday that you do good and make the right choices.
Life itself is complicated, you got to have faith in all you
do. Don't stop trying to achieve your dream, you know
your girl has love for you. Stay up. Don't let them fools
get on your bad side, They aren't worth shhh. Get your
head above water. If you don't, I'm not the one to see you
drown.
-Cherisse
From The Beat: Cherisse, that is so tight that you're starting college
classes right after you get out. That shows us that you're doing more
than just talking. You're getting your life right back on track. Now just
take your own advice. Never stop dreaming.
To The Beat
\
Well, Beat, it's me once again, Milpitas Just postin' up in
the unit freakin bored. There ain't much but everything
here's cool. Just had my first month past and now one
more to go. I been cool— just playing handball and mostly
basketball. I have to practice if I'm going to make it to the
NBA.
But anyways, I had Bible study the other day. It was
to learn about God while you're in here, know what I
mean? I also had a visit from my mom that made my day.
I love my mom a lot. I can say that I'm a mama's boy and
it wouldn't matter what anybody says.
Well, we had testing. I hate when their testing in here
because it messes up our classes and time.
Today we watched the Lakers play — it was cool. The
Lakers won. They're ain't much to say. I wrote it all down
and by the way my superpowers would be flash and
invisibility. So when I walk in for a beer run they won't
see me or when I want to go to another state I'd be there
in a flash.
-Milpitas
From The Beat: Even though you're bored, you seem to be making the
most of you stay in The Hall. Does it make you appreciate what you
have on the outs? Would you play ball and go to Bible study if you
were out there? As for the superpowers, it would be pretty tight to
be invisible. Hopefully, though, those with invisibility would use it for
positive reasons and not negative ones.
poa
J
Thinking
I'm locked up in this room its my fault for being a
buffoon. I broke the law and now I'm stuck in juvenile
hall. I ain't tripping - they're tryna break me down but
I'ma stand tall. I'm missing my boys every day and night.
I'm just praying to God that my boys are doing alright.
I'm thinking of them every oldies night. People tell me to
go to church but I will never reach the light. Lord, please
hear my cries. Please give me an answer - good-bye.
-Phuc
From The Beat: When you say you will never reach the light, do you
really believe that? Sometimes it is easy to buy into the idea that we are
evil or bad, but really the redemption lies within us and not from God
or any external source.
Good News
What's up, Beat? I just got some good news. My PO called
my unit today and he okayed my OT to go and see my baby
be born. I got hella happy once I heard that. Right after,
I called my mom and my lady and told them. My lady got
all happy cause now she don't have to worry if I'm going
to be there or not, because I'm going to be there for sure.
Well Beat, till pencil meets paper, late.
- Gary and Ruby
From The Beat: This is great news! Being there for your baby being born
is so important and maybe seeing your baby come into this world will
be one of those things that fully changes your life and makes you want
to not go back to your "evil ways."
■
A Taste Of My Music
My favorite kind of music is underground. Like Brotha
Lynch, XRaided, and some rock, but mostly rap. I like
all the Bay Area music. I like Mac Dre and lots of other
music. I love oldie songs like Black Magic Woman, Float
On, Always and Forever.
-Jesse
From The Beat: We like people who know what they like. Many people
just generalize when they say what music they like. Its cool you gave us
specifics. Why do you like these songs? Any concrete reasons?
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
Us and Love
x r
I love my lady with a passion
reminisce back to my car front back splashin'
smashin on fools in a school yard b-ball court
babygirl poppin' up with a dime when I'm short
forever grateful for my babygirl's love
lips so sweet like peach Optimo blunts
piglet and smokey everlasting like trees
soon we'll be in a picture perfect thug harmony
baby, on the road
to the concrete grove
sunshine, rain, and windstorms
I was born
with nothing to protect me but my thorns
a careful approach is how I stride
many times I apologize for my lies
I love you for everything
you're the goddess in my dreams
I know I've been slippin'
but boo please quit trippin'
I'll be by you one day
somehow, someway
we'll be back in the shade
sippin' some E and J
so I've said my hellos, now it's time for goodbye
show them haters this poem, and show 'em we're right
to my angel
with overflowing appreciation
get back at me in straight thug nation
-Piglit
From The Beat: Piglit, you have a natural flow. Your rhymes are beautiful
and contain meaning. The imagery with the thorns is original and
excellent. We bet your lady would be flattered and extremely proud of
this poetry. Keep writing!
I Truth About Patience \
Well, that's true about patience — you can't handle it in
here but yet we keep making the same mistakes. We keep
saying we are going to change but yet when we get out we
keep on doing the same thing we do. I guess you just have
to know how to handle yourself. Everyone loses patience
and everyone gets frustrated especially when you know
you didn't do anything yet there's homies saying you
did.
-eg
From The Beat: You're right that, to avoid mistakes, one needs to know
how handle oneself. How can you handle yourself when it gets crazy?
What can you do when you're frustrated to stay out of trouble? We
appreciate the wisdom at the beginning of the piece and we hope that
you learn from your mistakes.
My Short Story Life
X
When I was young, I was a good little boy and had the
perfect family. Then I grew up to be a bad little teen. I did
bad crimes and did bad thing like drugs. Then I found the
love of my life as a bad teen. As I was growing up - at the
same time - I was still that bad teen and it got me here
today and I became a man being in here. I thought about
my future plans and what I want to do and I became a man.
I'm having a baby and I want to marry the love of my life
when I get out. She plans to live with me and I plan to get
my education by graduating and attending a community
college. I want to change my life by being a man.
- Ju Ju
From The Beat: Ahhh, the romantic. It is interesting how you write
about becoming a man by learning your lessons from your mistakes,
you think you will try and teach lessons to your son/daughter
you think they, too, should learn lessons this way?
Do
or do
-
Batman
\
My favorite superhero has to be Batman. He's unlike all
the rest of them. Batman makes his own weapons and
he doesn't have powers. He became a hero by his own
will — he was not like Superman who was born with it and
had no choice. So if I had to choose I wouldn't want any
powers. I would want to be like Batman and make my
things. Oh and he has a hella boom ass car!! It's cool how
Batman's villain (Joker) is the baddest villain ever, so that
makes Batman the baddest super hero ever!!
-Monkey
From The Beat: Batman truly is the superhero who made the most of
what he was given. Of all the superheroes, he has probably worked the
hardest. We like that you admire that and we admire you for it. What
would you do if you were Batman? Would you create any new things?
Would you change the suit?
Missing You
Missing you, not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
I stop and wonder. I never meant to cause you pain. I
know I'm not perfect but I'm more of a lady to face the
mistakes today. No doubt the shhh I did was stupid. I'm
cooped in a room emotions flowing through every vein
so overwhelmed with guilt 'cause I caused you so much
pain. I realize that I need to get me life straightened out
although I was on a good road making my paper. And yes
it's the people I hang out with who get me in trouble.
It's 'cause of a so-called friend who ratted me out. But
now I know she's as fake as they come. Ain't going to sit
and hate. May God touch her and change her life for the
good.
I'm missing you more and more, so tired of being
in here. I just want to go home. I'm sorry mama. I love
you and I promise that the only tears you will cry will
be tears of joy. You were there through thick and thin,
there when I got tatted up "RIP Wicked" on my back. You
mean so much to me mom. I love you more than life itself.
You're my breath of air when I feel as if I'm suffocating.
My shining star. My backbone. Without you I'm nothing.
Just a pitiful soul lost in the crowd.
I love you mom for you. I cherish you 'til forever and
always.
-Loyalty
From The Beat: So many powerful places in this piece. The part that
shone through the brightest was how you asked God to touch the girl
who ratted you out. Its rare that someone would "love their enemy"
but that's exactly what you did. This takes an extraordinary amount of
strength. We can tell that through all the hardship, you have retained
peace and a caring for others. These words were beautiful. Keep I
stained
• it up!
Not Okay With Change
You said you're not okay with change but then you turn
around and walk away and leave me for a stranger. What
does she have that I don't have? Does she kiss you babe
or miss you like I'm missin' you? But you don't realize
what you did when you said goodbye. It's crazy. I never
thought I'd be your lady. . .
What did I do to deserve this? I didn't even get one
last kiss. I'd go to heaven and hell back over and over
again just to hear you say that you love me one last time.
Why did you leave me? Why couldn't you just stay 'cause
without you I don't know what to do. I need to feel you
kissing me but it doesn't matter anymore 'cause I know
I've already lost you.
-Clowny
From The Beat: We feel the pain in this piece, the longing. How can
that pain be transformed into peace? Is it possible to forgive him for
what he did to you? If he came back to you, would you take him after
what he did?
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
My Grandson
Dear Beat
I just got sentenced to three years in CYA and then on
my 18th birthday, I'm getting transferred to state prison
for life. I did bad things under bad judgment but I haven't
given up hope. The best thing I could do is keep up with
life, reading all I can and learning things.
I think what The Beat is doing is good. It's a way to
spread how people want to change and it gives other
people hope. I'll keep writing to you Beat, peace.
-Sofa King
From The Beat: Good luck with the future. Your idea to keep learning is
the best way to keep your mind sharp and stay up.
Another Dedication
If my great grandma' were to write biography on me,
I think she would put that when I was younger, I was
always getting into trouble at home and with the law. I
wasn't listening to my teachers or anyone who told me
something I didn't like.
She would say that I was a little drug dealer and I
smoked weed and always had money in my pockets. She
would probably say that after all the things she told me, I
still never got it because I didn't listen.
All those things are the negative things she would
probably say, but some of the positive things she might
write is that I always help her with cleaning her house,
buying her groceries and making sure she gets her
medication on time.
-Cornbread
From The Beat: Besides the things you did to help her out, what else
can she say about the inner side of you? If she was here would she say
something about you going down the wrong path, and how you turned
your life around? What does she see in your future?
\
N
Eh, what's up Beat readers and to all mi raza out there?
First, I just want to say that I'm feeling hella cool
now that I'm done with court. I beat my CYA case and I
got Ranch time, so now I can just sit back and relax, do
my program get hella swole and finally live my life with
freedom.
Well, to those who are facing the Y - you know who
you are -just don't let the time get to you. Remember that
there are many that are not even going to see freedom
again!
The unfortunate circumstances that we are currently
in are going to be just temporary. Don't let anyone eff
with your program get to you. You only got one life to live
- you say you want to change for yourself, not the gang
life then do it for me?
I'm going to be cool when I get out. When I get a lady,
I want to have kids, be focused on my job, get me a sick
ole Impala and just chill! My past will always be in my
heart, but when it comes to making the immature ass lil'
kid choices that I've made in the past, I'm cool. Only the
strong survive and the weak crumble and fall. A spiritual
warrior is a true solid person that's actually going to
make it in life - it ain't in the physical.
Well, I'm going to cut this cause I'm not trying to
preach to you or nothing. I just would like to hear you're
staying focused and doing your tiempo with your head
held high. So with that, this homeboy out - keep your
I head up.
-Smiley
From The Beat: Excellent, excellent advice for everyone who is locked
up. Keep writing. Smiley - you have mad skills.
My Life Sucks
\
I was a dumb ass in my past, because I kept on listening
to my friends to not go to school, steal liquor, steal my
mom's car, steal laptops and a LCT projector.
I did this because I wanted to be part of the group. I was
very young when I stole a laptop from school. I broke the
window to get in the South Valley High School classroom.
I was caught on camera. I didn't know the camera worked.
I was free for 15 hours before I got arrested. So, I went to
school and got arrested. Plus, I didn't wear no gloves.
This was my first time, and now I have been in the
halls 5 times. This hasn't changed me at all. I get out
and do whatever. I've hurt my family by my choices, by
listening to my friends. This time I am in here for violation
of probation, not going to school, bringing a BB gun on
campus and a few inches blade. I say the hell right now,
but if I stay in here any longer I'm screwed.
For my future I want do what my dad does, I want to
be a mechanic. I want to work on cars, trucks, bulldozers
and diesels. In order to do this, I have to go to school and
get a degree. It sucks in juvy. You need to behave and
don't be a stupid ass to get here.
-No longer a fool
From The Beat: By the way you are heading you won't get a chance to
change a tire from a car. You still need some time to reflect on the things
you are doing and where this will take you to. By running away from
your problems you will never, never, ever get rid of your problems. Go in
front of a mirror, take a look at yourself, and you will see that you are
not a child anymore. You're close to become an adult, so start acting like
one. Not tomorrow, start today!
Music Is A Calling
Why do I like the music that I do? The reason I like the
music I listen to is because it's got a message for the
people that can hear it. I don't want to say it's subliminal
but if it's meant to me, the music will find you and vice
versa. The music is all about being yourself and not
following the crowd. Mainly just doing whatever you got
to do to get by. It's all about family.
-Petey
From The Beat: Good stuff, Petey. We believe that music and listener can
find each other. The last sentence is true, too. If heard right, most music
can be about family. Does the music you listen to connect you with your
family? When you hear certain songs, are you reminded of them?
Once A Good Kid
I was once a good kid, then I met the wrong friends, and
hanged out with them. They got me into making paper.
You know what I mean? Making money, stealing cars,
robbing houses non-stop until I met this girl.
She made me realize I was just throwing my life away.
I finally committed to her that I was going to listen and
make a difference in my family. Since she came to my
life, she made me hang out with my family while she was
there and we all went to the movies. At the end of the
movies, was the best because I finally French kissed her
for the first time. Then we all went home to my house. I
didn't go to sleep until 3AM in the morning.
Then I woke up 10 in the morning. She woke up at the
same time. We both went to the bathroom and got ready
for a shower. Then she wanted to go to the mall. Got there
and came back. Then she went home. Then months later,
we got engaged. I'm still with her until this day. She is
hopefully waiting for me. She been telling me that she
been crying everyday.
-Saelee
From The Beat: It seems like this could be the love of your life, and if
you don't wake up and get things on the correct road, you are going
to lose her. She loves you and its not fair that she's suffering over your
mistakes. Are you making plans to give this girl what she deserves?
.
7i*frM*kd?i MMumrm /////
//// //
I Hate The Fact That I'm Not With You
I hate the fact that I'm not with you.
It hurts so much it makes me blue
I'm missing you here right by my side
I lay in sorrow in my cell at night
hoping for the days that are yet to come
that me and you would reunite as one
remember the days
we would laugh and smile
joked around about having a child
my genes your genes what a good ass mix
I bet we would have had some hT cute ass kids
if me and you were still together
I probably wouldn't be writing this letter
I'd be at your pad we'd be smoking a stog
late at night holding you tight so cold.
We never had sex or never screwed
we would say that it was making love
I remain on all the times that we shared
you rather than moms showed that you cared.
I'm hella sorry for all my controlling ways
if I were God I'd fix all those days
but in the end I still want you back,
so please girl just give me one chance
take me back cause I feel so blue.
I hate the fact that I'm not with you.
-Marvin
From The Beat: We don't usually publish love poems, but this was a
strong piece that had some great poetic qualities - so we had to put it
in. Keep writing, even if it doesn't get your girl back, it will take you
far in life.
This Life
x
When I was younger, I looked at my dad and I saw me
- just older, talking about not smoking weed, shooting
guns and being in a gang.
After he got locked up, I took his place in the family,
posted on the block, slanging on the corner.
After ninjas pulled out a heater on me and started
blasting, I decided I gotta get some thumpers. I got caught
by the police with it and now I'm in the hall over some
bullshhh, locked up, doing hard time -
I just wish I never was living a gangsta life.
-Bay Hussalah
From The Beat: The best thing about this piece was that you took the
time to rewrite it and let us know about your struggles, so it doesn't
seem just like you are boasting about the street life. Thanks for writing,
now take responsibility!
Being At The Wrong Time
"Please stop the vehicle." That's how it all started. I
was with my friends at the wrong time. Apparently my so
called homie was driving a stolen vehicle. The weird thing
is the car looked in perfect condition, so I thought it was
theirs but apparently it was stolen.
Anyways, I was in the back of the car talking to my
other friend, and all of a sudden I hear the police sirens
and a voice saying, "please stop the vehicle."
Well, after that my "homies" started saying, " you want
to run or no" After that happened, it's when everything
started, I get into the juvenile system with a charge of
"auto theft". That got me locked up.
-Iran
From The Beat: Next time you should be aware of who you mess with. Let
this experience teach you a good lesson. Even if you didn't participated
in the car stealing, you are part of it by being there.
\
r
A New Life
\
It's your boy Dopey back again from The Ranch. I ran
again. This time I was out for a month. It was coo' you
know, kicked it with my lady. It was hella coo'.
You know, I saw my mom for Mother's Day and we
kicked it. I made her something to eat, cleaned the house,
you know, the usual for Mothers' Day.
While I was out kicking it with my lady, I got her
pregnant. In a way I'm happy but in another way I'm not.
The reason why I'm not is because I'm very young and
locked up.
Now my baby's momma is out there pregnant, with
me in here. It sucks that I can't help her in any way.
If I could, I would; but the reason why I'm happy is
because it's with a girl that I love and will die for. She is
my everything and I will support her and my kid as best
as I can.
Well that's all for right now Beat, I'll be back next
week. Well late.
-Dopey
From The Beat: To be have a kid at such an age is really something to
worry about. You are young, but it's possible that you can provide for
this child what he deserves, but you must make a big effort. In order
to be a father, a good one, you would have to help yourself first, then
your family. Take care of responsibilities like a man. Are you ready?
Hope so.
Classic Rock
I grew up listening to classic rock with my parents. My dad
used to blast ACDC as loud as he could and my mom took
me to many concerts, especially to see The Grateful Dead,
that's her favorite.
As I grew older, my favorite band became Black Sabbath.
I've been listening to heavy metal for a few years and quickly
got into heavier music. More metal was calling. I think it was
my friends or just my surroundings that got me into death
metal, thrash metal and a bit of punk. That's what I'm into
these days - everything from classic rock with Tom Petty,
Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin to death metal with Amon Amarth,
Skinless and of course Slayer.
Two weeks after I get out, I'm going to see Judas Priest
and Heaven and Hell with Ronnie James Dio. Can't wait to
start moshing and crowd surfing after six months of being
locked up! Peace and chicken grease, Beat.
-B
From The Beat: Wow, Judas Priest a few weeks after you get out seems
like a fun way to get out all the stress and madness of being locked up.
All those Grateful Dead concerts you went to as a little kid explain a
lot about you, B!
lot
-
From The Beat:
one of our favorites,
A Wingless Bird
I close my eyes
And think of the outside
If I had wings I would go and glide
But I have been put in a cage
And chopped of my rights
I hate the nights and curse the days
I almost put God's name in vain
I'm stuck in an unending maze
I curse as the as the days go by
Soon back my wings come so I can fly
Hell yeah I'm always going to ride
But only on the angel's side
Everyone's soul is a do or die
Here's my life
I want to change
so listen up
because soon your fate arrives
-Anthony
Anthony, your pieces are really interesting and this is
Riding on the angels side" is very clever!
mnnmE mmi/ifflfSM / #
PJSf gJ
Una Historia Que Le Puede Pasar A Cualquiera Una Historia Hecho Realidad
Aveces quisiera salir corriendo hasta donde ya no pueda
dar un paso mas. Cuando pienso en mi madre, siente que
me falta el aliento al saber que no puedo estar con ella por
muchos motivos.
Sufro cuando pienso lo duro que esta sufriendo en
nuestro pais y yo aqui estoy encerrado entre paredes.
Ni siquiera puedo decirle cuanto la amo y pedirle que me
perdone porque ultimadamente le he fallado a todos.
Le pido a Dios que me cambie mi forma de vida aunque
aveces no me arrepiento de lo que hago, porque todo lo que
hago, lo hago por las personas que quiero.
Creo que todos somos capeces de hacer cualquier cosa
por nuestras familias para que este bien. Todos los dias le
pido a Dios que me tenga bien de salud.
From The Beat: Algun dia vas a poder decirle cuanto la amas y demostrale
tus sentimientos a ella, pero de la manera que va solo le estas dando
mas preocupaciones. Todos tenemos la necesidad de ayudar a nuestros
familiars, pero eso no nos da la razon de andar haciendo cosas malas
para obtener dinero.
This A Story That Could Happen To Anyone
Sometimes I feel like running away to a point where I can
no longer set another food ahead. When I think about my
mother, I feel like I need to breath to know I can't be with her
for many reasons.
I suffer to know how hard she is suffering in my country
and I have here locked up between walls. V I can't even tell
her I love her, and ask her to forgive me because I have failed
them all recently.
I ask God to change my way of life even though I
sometimes don't regret the things I do, because everything I
do, I do it for the people I love.
I believe we are able to do anything for our families, so
they can be stable. I ask God everyday to keep me healthy.
-Anderson, San Francisco
From The Beat: Someday you will get the chance to tell her how much
you love her and to show her your feelings to her, but the way you are
going, you are just creating her more worries. We have the necessity to
help our families, but it doesn't give you the right to do negative things
to gain money. If you are going to help your family, do the right thing
as you're supposed to.
le Cintare Ilia Historia
X
Saben, yo tengo un novia que la amo mucho y ella esta
esperando un hijo mio. Solo miren donde estoy preso y
deseando estar con ella y ayudarle. Se me mi Dios me va
ayudar y estare muy pronto con ella.
Por eso te digo que le pidas a Dios porque se que tu
tambien quieres a uno. Tambien quieres estar con ella.
Confia en Dios que el te ayudara.
From The Beat: Esperamos que Dios te ayude a salir de este lugar. Tienes
que tener en mente que despues que saigas de aqui, sea que quedes
libre o no depende de ti. Tienes una gran carga en que responsabilizarte.
Tener un hijo es mucha responsabilidad. £Estas listo?
I'll Share A Story
You know, I have a girl I love so much and she is pregnant,
waiting for my son. And look at me where I am locked up,
just wishing I was there for her and be able to help her. I
know God will help me and be with her soon.
That's why I recommend you to ask God because I
know you have someone you love as well. You also want
to be with her. Have faith in God and He will help you.
-Luis, San Francisco
From The Beat: We hope God help you get out of this place. You have
to keep mind that whether you stay out or come back will be your own
decision. You have a huge load that will lean on your shoulders soon,
so start getting responsible. To have a child is a lot of responsibility.
Are you ready?
Recuerdo cuando estaba en Honduras, mi ulision era
venirme al norte y tener un estereo para escuchar musica
a todo volumen.
I Cuando estaba en Honduras escuchaba musica en
un radio de baterias e ilusinaba subirle todo el volumen.
Recuerdo que una vez le di todo el volumen y se me
quemo. Despues me iba a escuchar en otras casas y se
enojaban porque me clababa escuchando ahi.
From The Beat: ^Lograstes comprar ese esterio que tanto queries? Con
efuerzos siempre las cosas se qanan. jQue quieres ahora?
A Story That Became Reality
I remember when I was in Honduras that my biggest
illusion was to come to the north and buy me a home
stereo to listen to music in full volume.
I When I was in Honduras, I would listen to music in
a radio with batteries and I would try to set the volume
as high as I could. One time, I set it really loud and I
burned it. After that, I would go to my neighbors to listen
to music and they would get mad because I would get
I stuck there.
-Ribaldo, San Francisco
From The Beat: Did you buy the stereo you wanted? With much effort,
everything is possible. What do you want now?
_
La Autografia De Mi Vida
J L
Mi nombre es Bairon y tengo 16 anos, tengo cuatros
hermanos. Tengo a mi padre y soy de Honduras. Cuando tenia
7 anos, empece mis estudios en una escuela llamada Jose
Trinidad Cabanas. Sali de esa escuela y mi madre decidio
ponerme en el colegio. Cuando estaba un poco mayor, estudie
un ano mas. Despues mi madre se fue para Espana.
Decidi dejar el colegio y me dedique a la calle. Empece
fumando cigarros, despues mariguana, tomar licor, cocaine,
y hasta fumar crack a la edad de 15 anos. Despues mi padre
decidio darme dinero para que me viniera para los Estados
Unidos. Vine aqui y me dedique a vender piedra y ahora
termine a la carcel.
From The Beat: Se nota que tu vida ha sido muy descontrolada desde
que tu madre se fue para otro pais. Aveces los adultos toman decisions
para el bien estar de sus seres queridos. En tu caso, se nota que ella dejo
el pais para darte un mejor futuro, pero tu no estas viendo su efuerzo
de una manera positiva. Estas muy joven para que sigas andando sobre
ese camino tan turbio. Esperamos que esta experiencia te ayude mucho
a refleccionar sobre la manera como estas llebando tu vida.
The Autography Of My Life
My name is Bairon and I am 16 years old, I have four brothers
and I have my dad in Honduras. When I was 7 years old, I
started to go to school in a school called Jose Trinidad
Cabanas. I finished that school, and my mom sent me to
middle school. When I was a little older, I study one more
year. Then, my mom left to Spain.
I decided to quit school and dedicated myself to the
streets. I started smocking cigarettes, later marijuana, drink
liquor, cocaine, and I ended up smocking crack when I was
15 years old. Later, my mother sent for me to come to the
United States. I cam here and I dedicated myself to sell drugs
and now I ended up in jail.
-Bairon, San Francisco
From The Beat: It seems like your life has been out of control ever since
your mother left to another country. Some times adults make sacrifices
for a better future. In your case, it seems like your mother left your
country and you to give you a better future, but you're not looking at
her effort in a positive way. You're too young to continue walking by
blurry roads. We hope this experience help you to reflect on the way
you are leading you life.
.
mnnmE mmi/ifflfSM / #
mm //
Mi Autograft
Yo soy Manuel. Naci en 1990. Tengo 17 afios, y tengo 7
hermanos. Cuando estaba pequeno, era el mas travieso, pero
ahora soy el mas timido.
Me gusta jugar a los soldados y tambien a que era un
musico profesional.
Tenia muchos amigos y nos querfamos como si fueramos
hermanos. Un dia llegue a mi casa, y me encontre con dos
noticias, que nois ibamos a ir a Estados Unidos. Eso no fue
noticia buena para mi porque iba a dejar a mis amigos, y a
mi escuela. A la misma vez, era una buena noticia porque iba
a ver a mis hermanas mayores. A la vez, me sentia triste y
contento. Yo no sabia que hacer y decidi irme porque tenia
meas oportunidaes de estudiar y tener un futuro mejor.
Pasaron dos dias y fui a despedirme de todas mis
amistades porque al dia siguiente tenfamos que partir. Me
dilio mucho despedirme. Cuando llegamos aqui, salude a mis
hermanos. Me sentia muy contento estar con ellos despues
de no poder verlos por mucho tiempo.
From The Beat: Es dificil tomar una decision asi de alijeras verdad.
Fuera sido bien bonito que hubieras aprovechado esta oportunidad de
haber llegado aqui. Es bien duro llegar aqui. Muchos pierden partes de
su cuerpo, pasan por experiencias duras hasta su vida por venir. Tu lo
sabes. Ahora tienes que regresar a tu pais por algo que podistes haber
prevenido. Para la proxima, cuando vayas a hacer algo que sea dificil de
hacer, hazlo pero que valga la pena.
My Autography
I am Samuel. I was born in 1990. I have 17 years old, and I
have seven brothers. When I was young, I was a naughty, and
now I am very shy.
I liked to play soldier and to pretend I was a professional
musician.
I had a lot of friends and we loved each other like brothers.
One time I got home, and I found out two news. The first one
was that we were leaving to the US. That wasn't good news
to me because I was going to leave my school and friends
behind. At the same time, it was good news to me because I
was going to meet with my older sisters. On the other hand, I
was sad and happy. I didn't know what to do, and I decided to
leave because I had more opportunities to study and to have
a better future.
Two days passed and I went to say good-bye to all my
friends because I was going to leave the next day. It hurt me
to say good-bye. When we got here, I say saluted my brothers
and I felt good being with them after not seeing them for a
long time.
-Manuel, San Francisco
From The Beat: Its hard to make unexpected decisions. It would have
been cool if you had taken the advantage from this opportunity. Its
hard to get here. Many have lost part of their bodies, gone through
hard experience, and even lost their lives to get here. You know this.
Now, you have to return to your country, something you could have
prevented. For the next time, when you do something hard to do, do it
for something worth it.
From The Beat:
y a nosotros.'
My Music
Mi MOsica
Mi miisica es re regeton y me gusta porque me pongo
relajado. Mi papa me decia que la miisica que le gusta era
la ranchera. Me decia que la miisica que yo escucho es
muy negativa.
iEs negativo? iPor que si y por que no? Explicate a el
My music is Reggeton and I like it because it relaxes
me. My dad would say that his music was Rancheras. He
would tell me that my music was negative.
-Juan, San Francisco
From The Beat: Is it negative? Why or why not? Explain it to him and
to us.
Sibre li Autijrafla y Mis Pensuienlis
Bueno, mi historia por la cual estoy estoy aqui son por
algunas cosas que tienen que pasar en la vida. Como todos
sabemos, en la vida siempre hay problemas. Cuando estas
cosas pasan y uno ha creido en Dios, son cosas de Dios.
Dios te pone pruebas y si tii pasas esas pruebas, Dios te
da un proposito grande para tu vida.
Tal vez Dios te tiene aqui para cuando tu saigas,
talvez reacciones, cambies tu forma de vivir. Tu sabes que
la carcel no algo bonito, y no es como estar afuera que
haces lo que quieras
Yo creo en Dios, y se que El me sacara de aqui. Mis
pensamientos es cambiar mi vida, vivir feliz con mi
familia para siempre, y estudiar para algiin dia tener una
profesion y trabajar libremente. Tambien quiere triunfar
en la vida, y dar un buen ejemplo a los que me conocen.
Yo les digo a ustedes que se encuentran en la carcel
en este momento que algiin dia ustedes tambien saldran,
que piensen en lo que quieren hacer con sus vidas. Esto
es lo que tengo que decirles. Espero que algiin dia ustedes
cambien asi como yo lo pienso hacer lo mejor de la vidas
y que sean buenas personas.
From The Beat: iHas pasado la prueba que Dios te ha puesto o crees que
fallastes? Tus ideas son muy positivas, ahora lo que falta es ponerlas
en accion. Tienes muchas metas que cumplir en tu vida, que no se te
olviden despues. Gracias por tus consejos, ahora lo que nos falta es que
tu des el ejemplo. £Crees que pueda hacer eso?
Abut My Autography And Thoughts
Well, my story for the reason I am here is because of
things that had to happen in life. Like we all know, in life
there are always problems. When things like this happen,
and you believe in God, is due to God's willing. God set
test on you, and if you pass them, then God grant you a
big purpose for your life.
Maybe God put you in here so when you get out, you
can reflect, and change your ways of life. You know jail
isn't anything beautiful, and it isn't like being outside,
doing what you like.
I believe in God, and I know He will get me out. My
thoughts are to change my life, live happy with my family
forever, and to study to obtain a career and work freely
someday. I also want to succeed in life and set a good
example to those who know me.
I say to all of you who are in jail at this moment that
someday you will get out, and to think very well what you
are going to do with your life. This is what I wanted to say.
I hope you to change someday the same way I'm thinking
to do the best of my life and become good people.
-Carlos San Francisco
From The Beat: Have you passed the test God set you, or have you
failed? Your ideas are very positive, now you have to put them in action.
You have many goals to accomplish in your life, so don't ignore them.
Thanks for your advices. Now what we are waiting for is for you to set
the example. iDo you think you can do that?
I also want to succeed /n
life and set a good exr
ample to those who Know
me.
^//////// ///////, ffiwmmmmmm
W/Mffl/MMM
W//f/f > // * /// * #///
Appreciation Of My Life
Now that I'm here in the juvie, I realized that I really had
a lot of good things in my life that I may have taken for
granted. I have two parents and my little brother. They
love me. I had a good education and was doing excellent
in school.
I think I should've been more grateful that my mom
took me to church and had tried to teach me the word of
God. I wasn't as enthusiastic about church. Now I really
depend on God to help me. I've promised to do better in
church and be baptized before my mother's diabetes gets
her.
I should have listened more to my parents' advice and
concerns because they wanted what's best for me. Even
though I got in occasional fights with my brother, I still
love him, and he forgives me, despite what I did to get
here. He's the best little brother a dude could ever have. I
promise to appreciate my family and God ten fold when I
get out.
-Marin
From The Beat: Talcing our parents and family for granted is part of
what it means to be a child. But its clear from this piece that you have
moved beyond childhood into young adulthood where you are able to
appreciate what you have, and to make some sacrifices as an adult that
you were unwilling to make — or even to think about — when you
were a child. When you get out of here, every time you're tempted to
do those things that risk your freedom, ask yourself if you'd like your
little brother to be doing the same thing. If the answer is no, then you
shouldn't do it either. It sounds like you're on a new path that's bound
to pay better dividends than those you've "earned" so far.
Father's Day
\
Everyone is born with a mother and a father, and everyone
has a different story to tell. Some grow up without a mom,
some without a dad. Sometimes they grow up with both.
But those chances are usually slim.
I grew up without a dad for practically all of my life.
My mom and dad divorced when I was about two, and
after that my dad was catchin' cases and just never was
around. My mom was always there for me, and still is.
My dad finally started showing up when I was in my
early teens. Still, though, he didn't change much. It was
promises after promises, and he would never follow up on
them.
I finally told him what was on my mind when I was 15,
and let him have 15 years of pain. I let him know how I felt
about not having a father all those years. Until this day he
still be flakin'. I haven't got a visit in the four months I've
been here, but I'm 18 now, and I'm my own man.
I take this example of his, and every day promise not
to be the father he was to me to my kids.
-MacAdam
From The Beat: Some men just never grow up. Even after they produce
children of their own, they still act as they did when they were children.
It sounds to us that your father may be one of those people. That makes
a sad story for you, but it also provides a hard lesson — a model to avoid
as you step into the responsibility of adulthood. We're glad that you
had the opportunity and the courage to tell your dad exactly how you
felt, but sorry that it wasn't enough to change his pattern. Now it's up
to you to create a new pattern for the next generation.
Even though I got in occasional fights
with mtf brother, I still love him, and
he forgives me, despite what I did
to get here.
Why I'm Grateful
The reason why I'm grateful is because I'm still alive
Never thought I was gone make it this far in my wicked
and troubled life
I'm grateful for the people that made me think the way I
think
Grateful for the way I analyze before I react because I
could've been dead before I even blinked
I'm grateful for the strong mind that I have and I feel
blessed
Could've gotten more time for crime I committed, but I
don't stress
I'm grateful for all my OGs putting me up on positive
game and touching a young one's heart under his chest
I'm grateful for my family and all of my homies'
protection
All the ladies I've been with, all their love and affection
I'm grateful for them making me better and a changed
man
All the stuff my past relationships put me through — I
can't trust a lady no more but I wish I can
I'm grateful for the plan that I have set in front of me,
and here I stand
Trying to make it through this life full of pain and
struggle
But I'm grateful for who I am straight busting like a
bubble
Trying to speak my mind and express what I have to say
Homies passing me the ball so I get to play
I'm grateful that I haven't fumbled because it's not a
good position to be in
I'm just grateful for my life and I know I'm gone make it,
I'm gone win
Hopefully, nobody hates, schemes or plots to take my
soul away
In the streets or the pen, I always tell myself everything
is gone be okay
So I pray
-LIT Keeps
From The Beat: What a wonderful list of things to express your gratitude
for! It seems that — through the influence of family, friends, homies
and your own maturing and keen mind — you are in transition from
one way of looking at the world (and yourself in it) to another way of
seeing it and being in it. We know that change is a journey and not a
destination, so we predict even more changes in your future (including
the possibility of finding a trustworthy and love-worthy lady), and we
are eager to read the updates in your thinking as you continue to move
forward.
.
^//////// ///////, ffiwmmmmmm
mimnmiiBh
W//f/f > // ' /// ' #///
W/Mffl/MMM
Stop
Somebody's gotta be on top
How much are you willing to pay
To live another day
What are you afraid of
Money isn't keen
It's the realization of a dream
In the color green
Envy
Slime
Slipping
Tripping
Through time
Exchanging words
Yours
Mine
What are you afraid of. . .
Wishing
Wanting
Never daunting
Taunting
Your faith
Or taking a risk
Or waiting for a break
To take a piss
Shhhh
Piss on
Those who scream
I'm living my dream
Star!
Somebody's gotta be on top
How much are you willing to pay
To live another day
What are you afraid of. . .
Success
Achieving your best
Willing to live with less
In order to attain more
Are you afraid to open the door
Before you knock
Or maybe you're content
Shoulda
Coulda
Woulda
Only if
You'd spent
Time time time
How much are you willing to pay
To live another day
Frivolous chatter
Doesn't matter
Settling
Meddling
Gabbing back-stabbing
Shattering hope
Slippery slope
Walking a tight rope
What are you waiting for. . .
An invite
When the time is right
Not tonight
Tomorrow
Sorrow
Today
You'll borrow
Someone else's
Money
Honey
Hopes
Dreams
Anything
Sign an IOU
Promise to repay
In dismay
That which you haven't earned today
Belongs to someone else
Isn't that funny
Yesterday is gone
You're sitting at home
On a diminishing throne
Or hopes
Dreams
Envy
Green
You scream
Money ain't a thing
That's a lie
Can't miss what you never had
Had
Your slice of the pie
Is on someone else's table
You're able
But...
Unwilling
What are you afraid of. . .
Stop!
Somebody's gotta be on top
How much are you willing to pay
To live another day
No pain
No sweat
No blood
No tears
Just fears
Who cares
What's new
What are you really going to do
Successful people are the same as
you
Living with fears, too
What are you afraid of. . .
How much are you willing to pay
Today
Or not
Regardless
Somebody's gotta be on top
-Jamese
From The Beat: What a monumental poem you've
created! How long did it take you to write this?
Now, we can't say we understand all that you
are trying to say, but there's one couplet (two
lines) that we really love, because we think they
express a truth that is too easily forgotten, and
its these two lines: "Successful people are the
same as you/Living with fears, too." Its so easy
to fall for the lie that successful people have no
pain in their lives, no fears, no disappointments.
But, of course, no one goes through life without
feeling the same emotions that others feel. It's
part of being human. So, thank you for this.
Everyone locked up has already paid a lot, so
the repeated question — how much are you
willing to pay — is something we hope every
reader of The Beat considers seriously.
The Way It Is
I'm loco from what I do. The things I've done just for fun
would have me put in jail forever. I've done more evil than
good. I plan to do things that are unspeakable. I'm sitting
here in my cell alone thinking. I'ma be in here for a while
because of my crimes. But this is how life goes: stay on my
toes, trust no friend or foe.
I'm the master of all my situations. But I'm stuck doing
time in this institution. I supply my brain with thoughts
that make me crazy. Ever since my arrival on earth, I've had
a negative and disruptive attitude to life. Most of the time
I do not appear concerned with the consequences of my
wrong doing. I don't care about anything but the things I
must do to survive.
Emotions and feelings only get in the way, so I push
them to the side. It's my job to provide myself with what I
need, nobody else's. At the end, no one's going to be there
but me. The end is what we all wait for. There's always an
end. But do what you got to do before the end comes, no
matter what it takes.
-Casper
From The Beat: You're right about the fact that we all end essentially alone
(even if we're surrounded by loved ones), but that doesn't mean we're here
waiting for death. Its what we do with our time on earth that gives things
value. That's why we can't entirely understand you. You say you do what
you have to do to survive, but we think that only camouflages different
choices that you could be making to enhance that survival instead of
threatening it. Don't confuse what you "have to do" with what you choose
to do. Why you choose to do what you do is worth examining and trying
to understand, especially if those choices harm your ultimate goal of
survival. For example, what is it that "emotions and feelings" get in the
way of?
^//////// ///////, ffiwmmmmmm
W/Mffl/MMM
W//f/f > // * /// * #///
I'm Tired
I'm tired of being tired of being tired...
One of my homeboys told me
I'm tired of waking up every day at 7 a.m.
I'm tired of eating powdered eggs and fake ham
I'm tired of being told what to do
I'm tired of wearing these Bob Barker shoes
I'm tired of communication through mail
I'm tired of being restricted to a cell
Every day the same routine
I'm tired of knowing the only way to buy this is through
canteen
I'm tired of talking to myself in my room
Every Saturday cleaning it with a broom
I'm tired of Mondays because school starts all over again
I'm tired of Tuesdays because Bible studies come in
I'm tired of Wednesdays because visits are too short
I'm tired of Thursdays fo' I gotta turn in my shorts
I'm tired of Fridays because they're too long to end
Sundays it starts all over again
I'm tired of being tired of being tired...
-Bight Ball
From The Beat: It makes us tired just to read the things you're tired
about every day (except Saturday...). But the test of just how tired you
are will be judged by the future... If you get out and come back, then
you weren't tired enough...
When Your Hero Falls
(For My Brother)
When your hero falls from grace
All fairy tales are uncovered
Myths exposed and pain magnified
The greatest pain discovered
You taught me to be strong
But I'm confused to see you so weak
You said never to give up
And it hurts to see you welcome defeat
When your hero falls, so do the stars
And so does the perception of tomorrow
Without my hero, there is only me, alone to deal with my
sorrow
Your heart ceases to work
And your soul is not happy at all
What are you expected to do
When your only hero falls
-Jamese
From The Beat: This is not a point of view that we get too often, in
The Beat. But it is something that many of us have experienced, and
you express your sadness and disappointment very powerfully. We don't
know how your "hero" has let you down, but it may be a good lesson
about elevating people to a status they can't really live up to because,
in the end, all they (and we) are is human, and humans are fallible. We
all make mistakes, and we're all a combination of both good and bad.
If your expectations were just not realistic when you looked at this
"hero," then disappointment was inevitable.
Myths exposed and pain magnified
The greatest pain discovered
fou taught me to he strong
But I'm confused to see if on so weak
I'm Not Coming Back
\
I am not coming back here because I miss my little
sister and brothers and my parents
I hate the grimy food and I hate the spiders that crawl on
my bed
That's the honest truth, just like I said
I never saw myself coming here
Or smoking weed and drinking beer
I hate San Mateo Youth Services Center
I changed from website, already pressed enter
I surrender to the light
And I won't give up a fight
I just want to be free and wear my white T
My mind is clouded and foggy
But now the sun shines like on a safari
I figured out I was my greatest enemy
But I have figured out the remedy
It was to be kind and thankful to my family
Because I hurt them badly
-Ar
From The Beat: Was it drinking and smoking that led you here? If so,
we hope you use the time you've been here completely drug/alcohol free
as a foundation to build on when you get out. Its so easy to forget just
how much you miss (and owe) your family once you get back with them,
so we hope you cut this piece out and tape it to your bedroom mirror so
that you will never forget that you have now dedicated yourself to an
entirely new and different future. Good luck! (Are there really spiders
crawling on your bed?)
J
These same walls that once at-
tacked me are the ones who have
given me the space and time to
allow myself to get to Know me
better,.,
Committed To A Life Of Sin
Committed to a life of sin, what you see is what you get,
a full-grown 17-year-old young man, someone who has
spent a lot of time incarcerated. Although my time here
has been long, I now believe it has not been wasted. I
have learned to grow in many different ways, mentally,
physically and spiritually. The things I know now never
once crossed my mind. I felt that as a young buck growing
up in my specific part of town, I was committed to live the
lifestyle that has caused me to be in a place like this,
confined behind these walls, even though I have missed a
lot and been away from my family.
These same walls that once attacked me are the ones
who have given me the space and time to allow myself to
get to know me better, allowed me to grow stronger and
see things for the way they are. Because this life of sin
can only keep you committed for as long as you allow it
to!
-Freddy
From The Beat: We are told that the Chinese character for crisis is the
same one they use for opportunity. You are an inspiration to us, Freddy,
because you have used the crises in your life as an opportunity to
examine how you were living, how you were thinking, and how you
want something different out of life than what you've "earned" so far.
What more can we ask of you or anyone (including ourselves) than this
self-examination that leads to the mind opening up to new possibilities,
like a flower responding to the morning sun? Who knows where this
will lead? All we know is that once the process of true thinking has
begun, it continues until you draw your last breath. You inspire usl
,
^//////// ///////, ffiwmmmmmm
W/Mffl/MMM
* /// * #///
Putting A Smile On Mom's Face
X
Growing up, I never had a father figure to look up to. I
don't know if that's the reason I grew up the way I did. I
guess I'll never know. Maybe I could forgive him one day
for not being there, but I will never forgive him for the way
he treated my moms. He didn't just decide one day to just
get up and leave. My moms left him. She couldn't take it
any more and just bounced. I don't blame her. My moms
doesn't deserve that.
My dad was an alcoholic and a drug dealer, and my
mom didn't want me or my sister to grow up around any
of that. I guess it didn't really matter, because I still came
out like a "travieso" as my moms calls me. I can see the
pain in my mom's eyes when she looks at me. She says
she sees the reflection of my dad in me as I grow older.
I also got a little brother. He has a different dad,
though. My moms was with him for a long while. I grew
to look up to him. I approved because he made my mom
happy, and nothing makes me feel better than to see a
smile on my mom's face. But he, too, ended up screwin'
up as well. I can't say I'ma be the best dad in the world,
but when I do end up having a kid, I'ma man up and be
there for my son 'cause best believe I'm having a boy.
-Elmo
From The Beat: First, we hope if your first child is a girl, you'll love her
just as much as if you'd had a son. Second, we're sorry that you had to
grow up watching the man who called himself your father abuse your
mother. We think it's harder for a son to watch his mother suffer at the
hands of a man than if the son were the victim himself. We're also sorry
the step dad didn't honor the good thing he had going, even if he was
more of a father to you than your own father. But the best part of this
bad experience is how its made you determined to be "the best dad in
the world." If you follow through on that promise, you'll be doing one
of the most important jobs there is in the world. Your mom may call you
. but that's a title you can grow out of.
Travieso,
Sittin' In The Devil's Room
Sittin' in my cell while I go crazy and get hectic
Doing a damn year in jail isn't quite what I expected
Sittin' in the devil's room, think' 'bout the shhh I've
done
Smoking weed and sippin' 40s just makes me look
dumb
I have the devil's mentality stuck in my brain
I don't give a damn — sav it out — 'cause I got no one to
blame
No one to put to shame
Just myself going insane
Ever since I was in my teens I've been in this damn cell
Remembering the crimes I've done, knowing I'm going to
burn in hell
I have put my loved ones through hella shhh
I'm noticing that life's really unfit
The devil is choosing my punishment, not God
Every time I mess up, the devil himself just sits back
and applauds
Hopefully, when I get out I change my devilish plans
And maybe I'll put my faith and hope in God's hands.
-Lil' Laylow
From The Beat: We hope you're not one of those people who thinks that
you have no control over the choices you make. The devil is not forcing
your hand. The god you believe in has given you free will to exercise
for good or for ill, so you have it in your power to disappoint the devil.
If "smoking weed and sippin' 40s" makes you look dumb, then just stop
doing it! Of course, we know it's not that easy, but at the same time,
living with the consequences of those choices is not easy, either. So, we
urge you to think beyond today and even beyond tomorrow to what
you hope your life will be like in a year and in five years and in twenty
years, and start living the changes you know you have to make to get
the life you want.
I lit Tie 'Mid
X
I hit the 'hood almost after two years in a cage, 636 days
away. Time of reflection, meditation about my life and the
way I live. So I hit the streets not knowing what to expect.
Things all changed. The 'hood didn't quite feel the same.
The things I once did for fun seemed to fade away. I didn't
get the same rush of excitement I once did as a youngsta
growing up.
It was more of an obligation that I received, almost as
though I had no other choice. I knew nothing else, but in
reality, I did. I just did not know how to complete what I
knew needed to be done. These ways of livin' led only to
one's death.
But I must maintain for now until a change I know
will come happens. Seeds have been planted — roots that
need to sprout from my head to the streets. I must do
what my heart tells me to, like Cesar Chavez fighting for
people's rights.
Years of pain for moments of pleasure — that's the
position that many guys like me put ourselves in. How
we react to consequences and situations is our only
differences. Soon I'll be out. Can't stay here forever. I'll
be back to hit up the 'hood. Hopefully with a different
message.
-Freddy
From The Beat: We can almost see the wheels turning in your head,
Freddy. They are spinning faster and faster as you shed the tight grip of
a world (and 'hood) view that was imposed on you as a child, and which
is crumbling as your adult mind examines the consequences of that
world view and contemplates a different relationship with the street,
with your loved ones, with the system and with yourself. We're not
saying your life will be easy, but we are saying that it will be easier if
you continue down the road to which your mind is leading. We need
your leadership qualities in the world, and we're counting on you to
provide it.
lired II Jail
-
I'm tired of being here; it's just a waste of my time
Now I'm here in jail just going along for the ride
Awaiting court with two felonies and two misdemeanors
just for a stolo
No one to help me out with my troubles, just me, bolo
Running from my home pass like a damn fool
And now from my mistake, I'm in jail; I got to follow
staff's rules
I need to stop coming here; I have a future ahead of me
I'm gonna get out of this place and succeed in life, just
wait and see
All of this coming back to jail is holding me back from
my goal
It's like the devil is holding me back, tryna take my soul
I need to get out of this addiction of coming to jail
I pray to God that my goal of graduating high school
don't fail
And I ask my family for forgiveness for what I have done
From now on, I gots to choose right from wrong
But for now, my goal is to get off probation
And I'm going to complete the program with no
hesitation
The reason I'm doing this is because I have love for my
family
And I know they want me to succeed
So I'm confident I'm going to move on with life and be
free
-Lil' Laylow
From The Beat: What is your definition of that success you promise
you're working to achieve? What's your plan for getting there? When do
you hope to put this plan into operation? Where will you be a year from
now? Ten years from now?
^"
W///J/i/M//W//mS/J//M/MJM7j
fMfflBST/// • #7 /// / /
'MZKHBZL, M00KH0SEV*
^mmm
The Quieter You Go The Further You'll Get
Each issue of THE BEAT WITHIN is like a box of chocolates:
you never know whatcha gonna get! Turn to the back of the
magazine and you'll find the answer and recipe for every
modern malady. It seems as though we've figured out everything
except how to fly with our hands! But wait... maybe that's in
the next week's issue; stay tuned! Just going through the two
latest issues before me, there are articles and critiques on the
economy, U.S. domestic and foreign policy, social activism,
who is responsible for everything that's wrong, and how to
resolve the War in Iraq. Wow! Is anyone taking notes? Is Jim
Lehrer listening? Is Tim Russert paying attention?
Unfortunately, the only things we haven't figured out is
how to stay out of prison, and when in prison — how to love the
man next door. As someone said, "For me to love the world's no
chore, the problem is the man next door!" For me, the problem
is the man in the mirror. Once I manage to chop down the log
nesting in my eye, then I'll help the men next door with their
specks. May God help me!
In (Beat issue) 13.19, our Floridian colleague, Shawn
Montgomery, raised a good question, WHAT DO YOU REALLY
KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF? This is a necessary question, one
I should ask myself more often. You see, the easiest thing in
the world is to gawk and pay attention to what everyone else is
doing - what's happening here and there and everywhere — and
what's going on overseas, somewhere over the rainbow. It's a
good diversion tactic, an excellent excuse to look away from
ourselves and focus on "Something really important".
We live in a noisy world - a world that makes it easy to forget
ourselves in it's buzz. It's intoxicating, and when, for instance,
all the noise is turned off, for some it's almost unbearable. It's
the same in prison: think of the "power outage" days, when
all the appliances are tuned off and we're locked down - most
people get bored with themselves very quickly.
And so we need noise for diversion, and maybe some
"exterior foes" to take the eyes off ourselves and pin our
problems on others.
It's the man, the system, the other race, the gang on the
next block, the politicians, the commies, the capitalists, the
noisy neighbors... Someone's got to ride the beef, right? In the
soviet Union, it was a must to have "an enemy", so that Ivan
and Boris would be focused on "the foe" and not wandering
why they stood in line for an hour to get a loaf of bread.
It's the same everywhere, expect with different auspices. In
America, we are busy-busy-busy-, always-on-the-go, occupied
always sends us pieces so we can publish weekly. Mikhail is a very
intelligent writer as he doesn't sit there talking about the solutions to
the worlds problems when he can't even find the solutions to his own
problems. Mikhail brings up a pretty good damn point. We all sit here
and criticize the next person, but we don't take the time to criticize the
man we see in the mirror. It's easy to point the finger at everyone else
except us. But enough us telling anymore and just lend your ears to
Markhasev's piece.
with something, having fun, meditating, levitating, "making
a living". There's a "give it to Mikey, he'll eat it" consumer
mentality, and we're quickly forgetting how to think.
The Christian faith has transformed my life in two profound
ways, which cut across Vanity Fair cult of our society. First, I
learned that life isn't all there is to it: there is a God, a concrete
spiritual reality beyond the immediate physical existence, and
that God is love. The purpose of my existence is to respond
to God's love with love, first of all to my neighbors. Secondly,
all of my real problems aren't exteriors, but interior - within
myself. If I work (or, rather, allow God to work) on myself, then
it will help make it through the many unavoidable difficulties
of this life.
On the one hand, the reality of God helps me to see
beyond what is seen with natural eyes, beyond my immediate
circumstances as a "lifer' in prison, beyond the short duration
of this life. On the other hand, if I'm to become an authentic
person, I have to take the responsibility for my actions, words,
thoughts and motives. I have to take a good look within and
make the needed changes, remove the obstacles that keep me
from God — the biggest which is my own self-will and my own
selfishness (i.e., the desire for me to "run my life the way I see
fit).
The problems are near, yet the goal exceeds the limits of
this existence. It is a paradox, but it is real — no less than the
fact that we are composed of two "seemingly" opposite things:
a physical body and an immaterial soul. A body without a soul
is a corpse, and a soul without body is a ghost, relatively-
speaking. Silence allows me to both look within myself, and
listen to what's going on within. It's not always pleasant, but
then it's not supposed to be pleasant — only authentic.
I'm a struggling Christian, often "faking it till I make it",
yet — with God's help — trudging along, praying for the grace to
become what I was created to be in Christ. This life is full of
changes and instability, but a bit of silence reminds me that
who I am isn't what I am today, but rather who I'm aspiring to
be. In the words of Shawn Montgomery, "Challenge yourself
every day to excel above your own expectation."
The Light
I write these thoughts, in all its positivity, from a state of constant
thankfulness. As a child I felt that something was wrong with life
because of all the dramatic hurt and pain all around me, especially
within my own home. It was so abusively brutal at times that even
now thinking about it with those bloody images impressed upon
my mind's memory sends a shiver through me. Yet, as I grew and
began to learn, understand more about this world around me, I
discovered a revealing fact and that is, all of this crap that we're
witnessing, experiencing, and hearing about going on in this
society and world does not have to be as so. I recall the late actor/
rapper Tupac once saying during an interview, "This is not how my
life is supposed to be."
And that's true. It's not. Our life, from childhood to adulthood
is supposed to reflect the highest standards of quality of life that
humanity — the human race — has to offer; full of innocent truths,
justice, fortitude, balance, reciprocity, peace, and order.
So how do we achieve this higher rewarding experience as a
human family, community, society and race? Well, it begins within;
finding that place of peace within us.
This has and continues to be the best thing that has happened
in my life, a life that I had not known even existed before because
of all the hurt, pain, and rebellious hell that had consumed my very
existence.
»*JBAfES WXL,L,Xfmsnr7'
Our next writer, James Williamson, sends us some of his thoughts
«_.. - «_. ... ^ - = ^__ -- "ames brings a lot
of food for thought for all you readers. He really breaks it down for us
in total honesty. He's not afraid to write his feelings down, and let you
know what he's really thinking. Sometimes it takes us to make mistakes
in order to learn about ourselves. So give it up for James as he pours out
his feelings and teaches a little something about life, his life.
Then I began to learn knowledge of self, such as getting to
know about the real me within. This, in turn, helped me rediscover
my humanity, reaffirm my dignity and proud African Heritage. And
this awakened the inner me where a light came on, a sense of
being, worth purpose and direction. And the process to heal had
begun.
Next thing I discovered was that I was not alone in this human
quest for truth. There is a world full of people like me. And the
amazing thing is that we're all on this human spiritual journey
to learn, reach out, and help others heal and to join this higher
calling to effect real change both within and around us.
You, too, my friend, have the same powers within you; just be
brave and step out and trust the enlightening spirit of truth already
there within us and give life's positive light a chance to shine
within and through you. Together we all can make a difference in
this world. Give back to others by sharing this positive light of
truth, healing, and unity!
///////#/////./// ////#///,////////
^y^ MiaaH^/// ' #// ////
-mx/i*
Be Positive
Dust has people thinking they can fly, jumping from
roof tops
Resisting the cops
Incredible Hulk strength
The cars hot boxed made by Hot Wheels
It's Matchbox
Newsflash on 20/20
I've seen the hardest suckas get rocked
A wild ape
In the concrete jungle, no escape
You've dialed the Stargate
Bust a wheelie on a motorcycle
Dunk a basketball like Michael
While lights glow
More skills than Freddie Fender when I'm busting
Now I'm blending in the scene like a chameleon
No matter what move you make, the next move is
checkmate
My strategy too complex for your intelligence
It's like I'm strapped in this cage, it gets live as
computer animation
Chaotic like sharks in a feeding frenzy
Don't be greedy, feed the needy
Rep testimony to the people
How I went from projects, hot blocks with hot spots
To a new life
Dreams of ferries, Brooklyn's finest, made it out of
money
Positivity starts things.
paint
A = A
I?ate
No Setbacks
My rhymes treacherous, an individual independent
brain's twisted ballistic
I refuse to be another government statistic
Forget the critics their constructive criticism
This is what it's like when you're sitting in the hot seat
23 hours a day in a cell block
I rationalize, see my future non-affiliated
No time to associate with convicts
That have their minds set on murder crime oriented
plots
I flow and continue to bubble living the dream
Bomb a wall legally with a spray can and basic fat cap
No more acid flash backs, avoid the crack cocaine
relapse
This is just the wicked facts.
Our next writer, Cain, is writing to us from Salinas Valley State
Prison in Salinas Valley, CA. He has sent us a couple of extraordinary
pieces hoping to make a difference in the lives of some of you readers
out there. '--■-- ■--- ■-*- * B -— .- _- . _- .. = - _..
his writing is nothing but positive intentions. Cain, keep sendin' them
in... you're sure to reach plenty of Beat readers!
Dream: The New Hip-Hop Generation
Today's hip-hop is very diverse, a mixture of different
techniques, cultures, everyone from B-Boys, rappers,
graffiti artists, both ladies and guys, all ages and races.
Hip-hop is found all around the world. It has made a
positive influence in my life and I can't imagine living
without it. This is my dream. Myself a 26 year old graff
artist (short for graffiti artist) originally from Los Cruces,
New Mexico, living in Arizona a few years, now residing in
California, have made this a way of life. I try to stay away
from the negative aspects and focus on a positive note.
Everyone can relate to hip-hop in some sort of fashion
or way. Be what you want to be in life, follow your heart and
dreams. I have found rap artists like Biggie, NAS, Jay-Z,
and Pac inspirational. East coast to West coast, no beef.
We co-exist in this world; it's time to rise. Even though
rappers rap about drugs, money, violence it doesn't always
have a negative message. If you find yourself loving some
form of hip-hop, I'm with you. Express your feelings and
gifts the way you know best.
Don't ever give up. I have found inspiration and
guidance in a sense from graff artists worldwide, major
known East Coast artists, SEEN, Daze, Ken Sin, Westo,
to West Coast artists. I look up to these guys. A couple
of artists who have made positive additions to my life are
Fink, Wemf, Nons, VMS, JEI, local guys and girls, Fabs
Are. Put a positive message, paint a positive message
and make a difference. Live the dream. Hip-hop culture,
live the life, express yourself. Stay upbeat. As for those
mentioned, keep all our hopes and dreams alive.
Street Price
You gotta pay the street price
To make it out living in the street life
The only thing that came free was a fight
We get paid to bring the hype
Rhyming abstract
Dissect you like a lab rat
I stay discreet like aliens making contact
Enter the verbal combat
The metaphorical rhyme designed map
Back then my only rationalization was tucked in the
leather
I'd rather be spitting philosophy
Western psychology, astronomies, physics, a rhyme
chemist
Typed two faced this street life is ghetto
Survival ducking from rivals with automatic rifles
Danger untouchable, time is critical, give up serving
chemicals
The game's chopped up
Why you stopped up?
Try some Drano
While ripping hearts out like Mortal Kombat's Kano
You gotta pay the street price
To make it out living in the street life
The only thing that came free was a fight
We get paid to bring the hype.
EZZZZZZZZZZZMZZZZaZEE
'm/rism*
An Addiction
I found my hopes and dreams
in a bottle of liquor
in a joint of weed
I found peace
with the buzz in my veins
All my problems
seem to fade away
with every drink I take
with every puff I inhale
I was left to cry alone
to drown in my own sorrow
and so I found
my hopes and dreams
in a bottle, in a ditch
the tipsy-ness blew my mind
and the high covered up my pain
the liquor treated me with respect
the blunt welcomed me with open arms.
People never quite understand
what an addict sees in his addiction
but me, well...
I found, or thought I found
my hopes, my dreams
a bit of peace, a bit of happiness.
Apologies Frnm The Heart
I'm sorry that I've failed you
I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you
Life took so many wrong turns
And as a result I lost you
I'm sorry you don't know who I am
I'm sorry you probably don't remember what I look like
I love you and that has never changed
I changed my life for you
I changed my ways of looking at things for you
I'm sorry you're too young to even have a clue
Of what I'm saying
You're too humble to understand
It's been a long time
Since I've seen you last
My heart is broken as it continues to cry
I'm sorry that I've failed you
Life took many wrong turns
And as it turned
I lost you
I love you, I miss you
My first born
Our next writer is writing to us from a Correctional Facility in
Niantic, Conneticut. Muneca is a long time friend of ours. We know
Muneca from way back in the days. She has always delivered smart,
intelligent pieces, as she speaks from her personal experience. Sadly, it
sounds like she fell off and has unfortunately found her way back in
lock up. In the next few pieces you're gonna get a few different styles
of writing from Muneca. Nevertheless it is all beautiful writing as her
words can paint a thousand pictures. We do hope to hear more about
her son and that she and her baby boy will one day reunite.
I Cried
Today I cried
I've lost my pride
Wishing I'd died
Today I cried
So much anger inside
Today I cried
I've got nowhere to hide
Today I cried
At the thought of my son
Today I cried
Makes me want to cop a gun
Today I cried
And I opened my eyes
No one loves me
Now I see why.
Birth
I was already getting frustrated at the fact that my labor
was taking forever. I talked to the doctor and was to show
up for my appointment the next day. I was being induced.
When I woke up that morning, I was in some pain, sort of
like menstrual cramps. I knew I was in labor. My water had
not been broken yet. I called my best friend and was on
my way to the hospital. After a few hours, the doctor had
said I was ready to start pushing; the contractions were
nothing to play around with. Shhh, I took the epidural
with no second thoughts; it was uncomfortable, but it
worked wonders.
After that, I spent most of the day having contractions
in peace. My family was there. I never thought I'd see the
day my mom was so happy and nervous at the same time.
You would have thought she was the one having the baby!
My best friend was a sweetheart. She counted with me
and was even following those birthing classes. ..hee, hee,
hoo! When you're in so much pain, you don't want to
know about no hee, hee, hoo!
You want to know about "get this thing out of me!" The
doctor broke my water. Great... I had to push one or two
times, or so I thought. I pushed for two hours and in
between I passed out once. I couldn't have a c-section
because my son was already in my canal. He was on his
way!
My son had complications; he had swallowed his
poop and the cord was wrapped around his neck. As he
was crowning, I passed out once more. The pain was
overwhelming and I was losing oxygen to my brain by
pushing so hard. The doctor used an emergency vacuum
to ease the tension on him. As they rushed to pull him
out, he was stuck. They dislocated his collar bone; he
wasn't breathing. CPR was being done until he came
back through. He was my blessing and I thanked God
we both made it out alive. We spent three days with no
interruptions. I held him, fed him, and comforted him
and the day I was released I walked out with empty hands.
All my hopes and dreams had been shattered.
^"
wnmnmMnmnziEMnL
VMtmt / j r ' w/f#ffirr
A.B.C.S
Advice is given for a reason
Believe in yourself
Care about others' emotions
Don't be quick to judge or give up
Every lesson takes its time
Forget the past, live for the future
Give to those in need
Have respect for those older than you
Ignore the ignorance
Jail is only temporary
Keep your head up high
Live one day at a time
Make the best of nothing
Nothing is too hard to achieve
Open minds make it far in life
Pride is the most important ingredient
Question in the need of help
Respect and you shall be respected
Save your breath if people won't listen
Time is always a virtue
Understand others' emotions and opinions
Various things in life shall happen for a reason
Why is always the question life never answers
X is the first letter of my government name
You will succeed if you follow this poem
Z is the last letter of the alphabet
This is Jail
no privacy
that's what jail is
searching through
all our shhh
reading all our mail
and even strip searching
our bodies
messing up our pictures
and calling us out our name
abusing of their rights as an officer
and have no respect for another human life
denying our needs
this is jail
that's what jail is
why do i come back?
it makes no sense
i'm in jail
so once again i've failed
'MU/lBnn cnnr.'
WMMMM
The New Born
I still remember
the look in his eyes
I still remember
the cry in his voice
from that moment on
I knew he was my son
I remember the grip
in the palm of his hand
and the dimples in his cheeks
from that moment on
I knew you were my son
I still remember
your head full of hair
and your fuzzy red ears
from that moment on
I saw you as my son
I still remember your
silk soft skin
and your tiny wrinkled forehead
from that moment on
I knew he was my son
I still remember
your determination to get what you want
I called you "daddy" and you looked my way
from that moment on
I knew I was your mother.
Dear Beat Readers
It's me, Mufieca, once again. I've been gone for awhile, but I
guess my change in life wasn't sincere, since I'm back again
going through this twice. To be honest, I never once judged
or blamed anyone for back tracking and committing the same
mistakes over and over. Some say they're going to change,
but in all reality, a person can't change unless they're ready
to change; not because their mother, brother, or anyone else
wants to. You got to find it in yourself to say, "I don't want to
live like this." It's important that you realize you're human
and you're expected to make mistakes. But it's up to you to
prevent it from happening again.
It's as exciting as it is important to reach a destination
in life. What makes it more exciting is your journey! So,
appreciate every moment you can and understand that life
isn't promised to anyone, young or old, Black or White,
rich or poor. You don't have to succeed, but trying is always
accepted!
D.}.-).-JW.l
From The Start To The Finish
I made my bed
Only if you could see what's in Darkside's head
The images of so many dead
Just the insane misled
I come from the slums
Through his dark but profound poetry, we feel like we're on the ^^B
sidelines watching this young writer, Darkside, shed his skin to reveal ^
the beautiful new growth underneath. But, of course, its not his skin
he's shedding, but a former life, a way of thinking, a childhood that put
him in harms way and threatens his future. As he struggles to redefine
the life he wants for himself, he feels Satan (the past) pulling at him
while his soul seeks the power of God. Darkside is a work in progress,
and we are honored to have him writing from The Beat office.
Where little ones
Is taught to aim at his head
But my soul wan more than that —
I don't wanna die for fame and the bread
But it's screws loose in my head
And I don't think the shop can fix me
I put holes in his head 'til his brains is soft and sticky
God blessed me with a talent to write
But I don't know why He picked me
On the lookout for Satan,
He tryna get these streets to trick me
I done been in hell before and the beast then kicked me
Now I am on the streets, and he almost killed me
Thank God he missed me
And if I die and leave my body
Think God will miss me?
Will my soul roast in hell with Satan
While my insides turn crispy?
I can't help myself, it's just my Dark-side in me
It's shhh in my heart that make you pray for your enemies
Because I pray, everybody understands what's in me.
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One Woman's Struggle
Greetings! My name is Kebby Warner; I am a woman prisoner
held in Michigan. This is my story of the time I have done
inside the Prison Industrial Complex. Society tends to
forget that as human beings, we feel pain and anger, and
cry tears. They forget that we are human; they forget that
we have personalities and they have placed labels against
us when most of us are genuinely good people who have
chosen the wrong roads in life's journey.
Many women share my journey, some with the same
circumstances, some not. Each of us has a unique story,
but all of us share the same pain. So, as you read this, know
that women on the inside have through similar struggles.
First, a little about myself. I am 26 years old, having
come to know myself as a woman behind this razor wire
and brick. I am a writer of poetry, an avid reader and seeker
of knowledge. My political beliefs are of anarchism, where
people may live in a Utopian society without control, racism,
sexism, classism, and all the other isms that plague today's
world. I am open-minded and down to earth. I seek peace
and love against this world of hatred and violence. This is
who I have become on the inside of this separate society, a
world within a world, called the Prison Industrial Complex/
This has not always been. I have grown and matured behind
these walls. I still have my days, but I am a Souljah in the
struggle! Here is my journey of pain and struggle, of joy and
beginnings...
I came to prison on October 17, 1997, after being
sentenced to 2 to 14 years for Uttering and Publishing, 1 to
4 years for Felonious Assault, and 1 to 2 years for attempted
use of a Financial Transaction Device. I was 20 years old.
During the first month of prison you are kept in a separate
unit under "quarantine status," so the administration and
health care can test you for mental stability, educational
level, diseases, and overall health.
During my first month I was sick and throwing up, etc.
I was told by the prison health care that my symptoms were
caused by "stomach flu and stress." So, besides having to
adapt to this world of control, different personalities, test
after test, I had to deal with an illness that seemed to never
end, which it didn't for quite awhile.
After 30 days of quarantine, I was placed in general
population. The next day, I was called to health care for
what I thought was a routine appointment. The doctor
called me into her office, told me to sit down, and stated,
"You're pregnant." All I could think was, "They must have
the wrong inmate." I began to cry and instead of comfort,
all I heard was that I had 24 hours to make the choice of
keeping my baby or having an abortion.
At the time, I was married to my co-defendant, who
was doing 6 months county time under the work release
program. The child was his, so I could not make this
decision on my own. I went back to my cell in a state of
unreality. I was dreaming, waiting to wake up.
I am pro-choice, but I could not see myself choosing
abortion; this choice was up to my husband. I called him
collect at work and gave him the news. He was ecstatic,
promising to help with the child and be a "good father." I
still had a few months to go after my due date until I was
eligible for parole. It would be his responsibility to care for
our child until I returned home. On top of my environment,
I had this added stress. My husband had started smoking
crack but claimed to be free of his addiction. Those on
the inside have to depend so much upon those on the
outside., from giving us support and strength to caring for
our children and property that was left behind to helping
Kebby Warner, writing from Robert Scott Correctional Facility in
Plymouth, Michigan, who wants to share her important story. She is
a new writer to The Beat Within as she shares her personal struggles
that she has dealt with in her life, particularly inside. She wrote this
five years ago, but feels its still just as relevant today, and we can't
agree with her more. So give Kebby a read!
us manage financially. He was all I had; I was completely
dependent upon the man I loved.
After this news, I got another surprise. I am an insulin
dependent diabetic, so my pregnancy was considered
high risk. Most women go through prenatal care through
a midwife who comes to the prison. But those of us who
are high risk, MDOC does not want to be responsible for
our prenatal care, we are sent to an outside hospital that
specializes in prenatal/child care.
To go to these appointments, I was strip searched, then
placed in belly chains and handcuffs. This I had to endure
once a week, then twice toward the end of my pregnancy.
Society does not think highly of convicts, so to add to
my humiliation, I had to go into a hospital full of people,
chained, with two armed guards at my side. People stayed
out of my way as if I had the plague; they'd stare and make
rude comments. It was a learning experience.
At my second appointment, I got the first look at my
child through ultra sound. Before being able to see the
screen, the technician walked out of the room and returned
with the doctor. The doctor looked at the screen and told
me that I was carrying twins. What?! Through this ordeal
women have no one to physically lean on. We are not
allowed to have family or friends at doctor visits. As I heard
this news, the only person I had was an armed guard at my
side.
On the inside we can lean on each other, but there is to
be no physical contact. We are not allowed to hug or even
shake hands for fear of a "sexual misconduct." I needed a
hug; I needed my husband.
At 17 weeks, I was given another ultra sound. Again
the technician left the room. I couldn't be pregnant with
triplets, I knew. Again she came back with the doctor, who
looked at the screen, then told me he was sorry, but one of
the twins' hearts had stopped beating. One of my children
was dead inside my womb. My pain shot to the center of
my soul. I was taken back to prison with the ultra sound
picture of my dead twin in my hand. I hadn't made any
friends here. I didn't know whom to trust as I found this to
be a hard and cold environment. I had no one on the inside
to share my pain.
I think that those on the outside forget that criminals
still have feelings. We may not be part of society, but we
still have issues. Prisons are not "Holiday Inns," as most
have labeled them to be. I have heard some guards speak
on the fact that they would love to be in a place where they
didn't have to pay bills, received free food, and a free roof
over their heads. I do not think for one moment that anyone
would trade places with us on the inside. They also do not
realize that we do pay for these things.
On top of paying our debts to society, we pay with the
seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years of our
lives. We are away from the ones we love. While our world
stops on the inside, the outside continues to move on. There
are women in here who have never seen a cellular phone or
surfed the Net. They've seen their children grow up through
pictures and sporadic visits, as money and distance are an
issue. Some don't even know their children or where they
are. They do not get to see them grow. They've heard of
loved ones dying but could not be there. We have not faced
death face to face, so at times it feels as if they're still alive
when the reality is we'll never see them again. The world
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has moved on without us; this is how we pay.
Anyway, I stayed strong; I held my head high and
pressed forward. I had to; I could not give up on my other
child. I informed my husband of all this, who was soon to
be released and still promising to be here for me. To press
forward I used the resources on the inside by getting my
G.E.D. and taking prenatal and parenting classes offered
to pregnant women. I took my love for books and began
expanding my mind, getting in touch with my inner being,
getting to know me. My husband was abusive; I lived in
violence, but here on the inside, I found a peace in this dark,
cold world. I found serenity. At the time I blamed myself for
his abuse, so I never thought of it affecting my child as
long as I was a good wife. He promised that things would be
different once I got out. In distorted love, I believed this.
Most women in prison come from abusive relationships
that usually stemmed from abusive childhoods. They have
turned to drugs or used their bodies to find and feel love.
They offer some groups on these issues, but in order to
receive extensive therapy, which is needed for most of us,
you have to be on psychotropic drugs. These drugs are not
used for therapy on the inside, in most cases, but are used
for replacement to their addiction on the outside. Unlike
therapy, drugs are given freely to keep the women in a state
of calmness. This is the norm.
Upon my husband's release, he took care of his
business. He was there for me. Then his letters stopped.
Again he started writing and I knew at that time that he was
using again. Again the letters stopped. After begging and
pleading, there was still no response. All the letters I wrote
began to be returned and until this day, I don't know his
whereabouts. I was 8 months pregant with child.
At that time, my family was nonexistant to me. They
didn't even know I was in prison. Our relationship had been
this way for awhile now. I was a white woman married to
a black man; this was not accepted. I knew their address
and this being their first grandchild, they had to accept
her. The color of her skin wouldn't amtter, this was a child.
She hadn't asked to be in this world. My other optionss
were to give her up for adoption or she would be placed in
a foster home until I was released. I needed my family like
I never needed them before. I couldn't give up my baby. She
had kicked and moved inside me; I spent night after night
reading and talking to her on my cell bunk. This was my
blood.
I wrote my parents and waited on response. They finally
wrote and told me they'd take my child until I was released.
They came to visit and were there for me. They promised
to care for her and bring her to visit after her birth. I had
someone to lean on.
On June 25, 1998, after 72 hours of labor, I gave birth to
a beautiful baby girl, 7 lbs., 11 oz. I gave birth to her under
the watchful eyes of armed guards. I was able to watch the
birth of my baby through a mirror and even though my family
couldn't be there, I was blessed with supportive nurses and
a humorous doctor, even though I screamed and cussed
him out.
I was one of the lucky ones. I have heard horror stories
of women giving birth in other states in the U.S. They are
forced to have their legs shackled to the bed while giving
birth. During labor they are even chained to the bed and not
allowed to get up and walk around. This does not happen in
Michigan, which I am thankful for. I could not imagine this
experience or what kind of mental stability women have to
have to endure this torture.
MDOC only allows 24 hours for a mother to spend with
her child after giving birth. We are allowed to keep our
newborns in the room with us and care for them, but
in the end we must leave them there until someone can
come pick them up. I wasn't leaving my child; how could
I? How could they be so cruel? When the day came for me
to leave, I refused to eat, which dropped my blood sugar
levels. They put me on a glucose drip and I couldn't leave
in this condition after giving birth, threfore spending more
time with my baby.
This lasted three days. During this time nurses and
staff would come in and try to get me to eat something, but
I couldn't. All I thought about was my child. I couldn't leave
my baby at the hospital; I was the sane one here, they were
crazy.
I had seen women who returned after giving birth in a
complete state of shock, depression, and despondency. At
that time, I didn't understand, but now I did.
On the third day, the guards told me that if I did not eat,
they would have my daughter placed in the nursery until I
returned to prison. After calling their bluff, the doctor came
in and said the same thing. It was over; I had to leave.
Have you ever felt as if your heart and soul has been
ripped out of your body? That your blood no longer flows?
I actually felt my spirit lift out of my body and stay at that
hospital as I was walking out. I was dead inside; walking in
a shell of human skin. I cried until my soul dried up, until I
could cry no longer. I was in a daze, lost. One of the guards
even made the statement that if I wanted my child, I should
have stayed out of prison. I could have commited murder at
that point.
The first thing I did was call my parents and was
informed that they had left to pick her up. I stayed by the
phone; calling over and over again, even though I knew it
would take 4 to 5 hours for them to get to and from Detroit.
I was in a dream that had turned into a nightmare. Finally,
my child was home and I heard all the promises that they'd
take care of my child until I got home.
My first visit was when she was two weeks old, and then
I was shipped to the minimum security camp for women.
I was depressed, angry, bitter, I didn't want to deal with
the pain I was feeling and didn't know how. My pain was
turned into anger nd I started fighting and getting into
confrontations with guards. I was catching misconduct
tickets and was placed in the hole. All I could think was
that they didn't understand. I wanted my child. I wanted
to be with her now. Again, I emphasize the fact that, as
prisoners, we are not to express emotion. I was to be a
stone and hold it all in; I couldn't.
After my release from the hole and being shipped to
another prison, I tried to get myself together again. At
that time college was offered and I began classes toward
a Liberal Arts and Science Degree. My anger continued to
boil. My visits were horrible, over and over again having
to leave my child. Walking back to my unit in a state of
despondency, I felt so empty.
Then when she was four months old, the doctors gave
my father 6 months to live; he died two weeks later. I lost the
little control I had obtained and was put in the hole again.
Two weeks later I was called out by the unit supervisor
for a phone call from an attorney. I had to be in court in
three days from then; my mother had given my child to the
state. Her reason? She would not raise a "half black baby
by herself." On top of everything, she had betrayed me.
I went to court and was charged with neglect by the
state because I was in prison and unable to care for my
child.
By this time on the inside, I was labeled as "defiant"
and a "management problem" because of the tickets I had
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accumulated. Once you are labeled your road is hard. You
are defying the rules that govern this world. The guards
begin looking for you to do something or provoking you
until you do snap. They even go as far as putting others
against you, lying on misconducts, and spreading rumors
about you.
For two years I fought for my child. Going to court every
three months to tell the Family Independece Aency and
the judge of my "progress." Because of the misconducts,
the first time I saw the parole board, I was given an 18-
month continuance, which hurt my chances of getting my
daughter.
Visitation was set up and I was able to see her once a
month. The foster parents allowed me to call and correspond
so I would know how she was doing. All this ended when the
prison administration placed me in the maximum security
unit for management. The visits stopped and I was locked
down 23 hours a day. My life had hit rock bottom on the
inside and out.
By this time I went in front of the parole board again
and was given a 12-month continuance. Max prisoners do
not get paroles. The state was threatening to terminate
my parental rights, but I knew per the law I still had time.
In Michigan, the law states that if a prisoner is in prison
for two years, their right will be terminated. My time was
almost up, but I hoped for a chance.
My chance was too late. On September 28, 2000, my
parental rights were terminated and my daughter was
placed up for adoption by FIA. I was able to take the stand
at my proceedings, but it did no good. What hurt even more
is that my own mother testified against me. I didn't have
a chance, but I didn't want to give up fighting and filed an
appeal.
The foster parents wanted to adopt my daughter but
wouldn't do so with the appeal pending. After my brief was
done, my court appointed appellate attorney came to see
me. He gave me a copy of my brief and a piece of paper to
sign off on the appeal. He told me that the FIA said that if
I wanted to ever see my child again, I would sign off. If I
didn't, they would place her with a family who would adopt
her right away and I would not know her whereabouts. I was
being threatened to give up my appeal. In the end I chose to
know where my daughter was at and signed off.
I called the foster parents and told them my decision.
They promised to still allow me contact through phone
calls and correspondence. This lasted for a while, but in
June of last year, the prisons in Michigan started a contract
through the phone company Sprint and some private
company in Texas called Evercom. In order to place collect
calls our family and friends had to pay a minimum of $50
to this company in Texas. It's supposed to be pre-paid
billing. If this money is not paid or less than $20 is in the
account, our phone numbers are restricted. Most prisoners'
loved ones can barely afford the inflated price of calls for
conversations once a month, much less $50 up front. And
now the calls are even more expensive by using this outside
private company.
This is what happened to my phone calls; a restriction
was placed on the number. I wrote letter after letter since
that time and just received a response last week. They
told me how she was doing but did not know about phone
calls right now. They would "try" to respond to my letters.
I may never see my daughter until she is of age and we
can find each other. I don't know what the future holds in
my relationship with the adopted parents, but I do know I
will not give up. I must keep pressing on. I am a stronger
woman now.
At this point in my time I am staying focused on getting
out of here. I have been denied parole on four occasions by
the parole board due to "past behavior." I've had two tickets
in the past year and have not received one in the past 7
months.
I messed up my life, plain and simple. I wasn't strong
enough to handle the circumstances I was forced to endure.
My child is paying for this now. I was wrong, but so are
these laws. I am not the only woman who has lost their
children to these laws; many have. If we don't have people
on the outside to help in the care of our children, they are
placed in the hands of the state and 9 times out of 10 are
lost in the system. Women on the inside must deal with
this loss, pain, and blame inside a cold society that doesn't
care about our children. The prison system doesn't care if
we ever see them again. But there can be change...
A change with the help of the people on the outside
who do care. Awareness has to be made known of what is
happening on the inside to the mothers who find themselves
locked away. Alternative programs need to be set up for
pregnant women who must pay a debt to society; laws need
to be changed. More programs need to be set up for abused
women, domestic violence and its association to prison
needs to be placed in the spotlight. It is easier said then
done to leave an abusive lover; take this from someone who
knows.
At this time I am trying to start an organization called
The P.A.C.K., The People Against Court Kidnapping. But
this seems to be going nowhere with the few contacts I do
have. My story has been sent out there, but the response
has almost been non-existent. I can only do so much from
the inside. I know nothing of starting an organization, but
I do have a vision...
A vision of amass of people who will support the mothers
and fathers on the inside who find their children in the
hands of the state. People who will help change the laws,
who will protest against the kidnapping of our children,
who will get the word out that we love our babies, that we
are human, and deserve a chance to right the wrongs that
we have caused. Our children shouldn't have to suffer. We
need your help out there.
What has hit me the most about this whole situation
is how many pregnant women there are in prison. Some
come in here 6 to 8 months along and I wonder about the
coldheartedness of the judges who sent these women to
this hell. Was there an alternative? The prison population
in the U.S. is more than any other country in the world.
Is prison the answer to crime or just a money-making
organization for capitalism? I ask you to think about this.
I know this is long and I thank you for taking the time
to read my story that comes from the soul of my pain.
What has hit me the most about this whole situation is
how many pregnant women there are in prison
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The Razor Wire Plantations
Much solidarity greetings to all the youth of the world.
Allow me a moment of your time to point out a fact about
these prisons; I am a voice from behind the wire and you
need to know that these razor wire plantations serve only
one purpose, the sole enslavement of our youth in the
name of justice, the lash of oppression which only reaps
the cash of exploitation. These razor wire plantations also
serve yet another purpose and it is not to reduce crime or
to rehabilitate, quite the opposite.
These plantations are part of the problem, my dear youth,
the solution lies in our addressing the social inequality and
the exploitive nature of this country's political economic
system our youth live under. The government policies of
this country determine the rise and fall of the crime rate
more fundamentally than the actions of the police or the
court system. The police may look for motive in our youth
action, but only after the act has been commited; this very
effect creates not only the search for the cause of our youth
action but the reality of the cause itself.
Our nation has moved into two societies, one of
color and one of the government, separate and unequal;
discrimination and segregation have long permeated much
of this country, but more so than ever, it very much now
threatens the future of every youth in the world. There is a
very hard penalty our youth pay and have paid for only being
human. The facts I speak on is that there is within this
country a justice divided with harsher and longer sentences
meted out to people of color for crimes and fewer chances
for rehabilitation within these razor wire plantations.
I speak to all youth from behind the wire because we,
more so than ever, must struggle and educate our youth
to raise their political consciousness, their overstanding
and their understanding, for without solidarity and the
real revolutionary theory, there will and can be no real
movement for our youth. The conditions behind the wire
are bad; they are literally death houses. We must transform
these razor wire plantations of oppression into community-
based areas of cultural, social, and political revolution.
The key is for us, behind the wire and outside the wire,
to make a concrete analysis of the conditions of prison and
Our next writer is writing to us from a California correctional
facility in Vacaville. Anthony has been a long time contributor for
the magazine. His writing reflecting a lot of what he calls prisons
modern day slavery. His writing is always great as he always tries to
get the reader to look at a wider picture and educate all you readers out
there how the Prison system works. He's not talking any B-S as you can
F view; but
some of it is actual fact. So peep out his pieces and learn something!
our youth and listen to their concerns.
In the conclusion of this essay, let me say, we must
challenge the system and stop them from imprisoning
our youth. This is the only effective intervention that will
work.
I hope that my words will capture the imagination and
inspire the very next generation of youth to concentrate
on the needs and issues of all oppressed people of color
because the reality of the matter is, a people without a
cause is like a ship at sea without a rudder, it is absolutely
at the mercy of the elements—the government. The fact of
the matter and the biggest cruelty we people of color face
behind the wire is invisibility, the feeling that we don't exist
as human. A big proportion of the population continues to
suffer systematic human rights violations at the hands of the
government behind the wire and outside the wire. Speaking
from behind the wire, work in prison is supplemented by
education and training; this plays a significant role in this
country's prison laws of so-called rehabilitation strategy.
See, only a few of the prisoners are allowed the opportunity
to work, educationaly and training opportunites are scarce,
giving prisoners few constructive outlets for their energies.
I ask all youth on the outside, is this the life you want?
This is what you will face behind the wire where I sit
writing you these words. Even recreation is limited and this
idleness and boredom aggravate tensions among inmates
and between inmates and guards. Once again, I ask you, do
you want this life, my dear young people? The fact of the
matter is, behind the razor wire, there is no justice, just us,
the people of color and our struggle is for liberty, justice,
and peace. The simultaneous action directives in all of the
state prison facilities in a truceless war, borderless, until
the final victory, which is to free and educate our youth
to the fact about the world behind the razor wire. Dare to
struggle, dare to win, knowledge is power.
Our nation has moved into two societies, one of color
and one of the government, separate and nneqnaL \
Untitled
Blackman, you were once so proud.
Black is beautiful! you cried.
Now you kill each other in a rage;
What happened to your black pride?
Once you fought together
For a better life,
One free of pain and fears,
A world where our children would
Have a place with respect of race in future years.
Blackman, now it's drugs, booze and crime
That overpower our sense of right.
Do you no longer care?
Can't you see or have you given up the fight?
The black babies cry and the black babies wail,
"Mama's on crack and daddy's in jail"
And the home has fallen apart.
Blackman, don't you care anymore?
What happened to your noble heart?
Ours was once a gentle race, so united side by side.
Now we fight and kill each other;
We lost our strong black pride.
People, is there a little love, a drop of kindness, left within
your soul?
Fight, my young people, to regain our dignity, heal your
heart, heal our community, make our families whole once
again.
Young people, please don't end your lives
Dying in the streets
Your life's blood spent in vain.
Stand up, united, restore the dream;
Be "Black and proud" again!!
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What Are You Made Of?
Do you have a lot of time in prison or are you a repeat offender
who has spent a large percentage of their life in jails and
prisons? Have you ever really thought about why you or
anyone would choose a life incarcerated over a life of freedom?
Do you follow the crowd and worry about your "homies" and
worry about what they want you to do instead of worry about
yourself and your family?
Too often, people get involved in gangs and crimes, things
that will always end in misery. It's not too cool to kill for
your gang and when you are in jail for it, your "homies" don't
even write you or send you money or even visit you. Sound
familiar?
Prisons are a whole society all unto themselves. Men and
women come to prison and people they have never seen before
are telling them what to do and sending them on "missions."
California prisons are become more and more violent. The
general public is sick and tired of people committing crimes,
so now the sentences that are being handed out look more like
phone numbers than years.
People tend to give up when they are put in jail for long,
long periods of time. The prison guards love it when prisoners
fight between one another. It takes the attention off of them
and gets them more overtime and locks down prisoners, so
the guards can be more lazy than they already are. Let's face it
realistically. For the money the guards are paid in California ,
they don't do much to earn it.
Do you consider yourself an intelligent person? What are
you really made of? Is it smart to keep doing the same things
over and over and expect different results? Of course it isn't!
I'm doing a 20 year sentence for a meth lab. I got 5 years on the
case and 15 in priors.
At first, I thought my life was over when I was sentenced to
such a long sentence, but now I realize that if I use my brain
while I am in prison and work on bettering myself, I will never
return to prison again after I'm released. My sentence was a
blessing in disguise.
Edward Dwight Chapin poses a question from Corcoran State Prison
in Corcoran, CA. Edward has truly dicovered what he's made of and
what it takes to have a full and productive life. Edward brings up
some interesting points as he challenges you readers out there to really
focus and think what you want in this life. You only get one life to live
he really pours some real talk on the table for y'all to grasp!
The human body is a miracle, as is all life. Personally, I
believe in a Creator. Some people call the Creator God. I'm
using the time I have in prison to learn more about life on this
planet and about myself.
I may have made some pretty stupid choices in my life, but
now I am going to prove to myself what I am made of. No more
following the crowd for me. I'm making my own decisions from
now on. I'm not letting any "shot caller" tell me what to do or
how to act.
The bottom line here is it is up to me to do right and make
something of myself. Do you want to have a wife and kids that
you take care of on the streets? Do you want to own your own
house or do you want to spend your life in and out of prison
and have to depend on your family to send you money and
packages in prison?
Any idiot can pick up a gun and kill someone. It takes
a real man to do right for yourself and your family. Are your
"homies" really your friends or are you just a crash dummy for
them and do what they tell you to do? Worry about what you
want out of your life, not what your "homies" want.
Life in prison is no real life at all. Some of you reading
this may be lifers. My heart goes out to you. Many of you will
never see the streets again. That doesn't mean that you can't
do things to better yourself while you are alive. Those of you
who will get released into society again... I strongly suggest
that you take a step back and try to take a look at your life and
think about what YOU really want out of life.
Are you a winner or a loser? Are you a leader or a follower?
Do you want to succeed in life or do you want to live your life in
prison? Are you stupid or are you smart? What are you made
of?
'fflY*
The Hand I Was Dealt
As I sat at the table playing cards with God
The hand I was dealt just seemed kind of odd so with a
straight face I look at my hand and There was no ace just a
jack, a queen, and a pair of two's. I tried to bluff the Big Guy
but He just looked at me like I was a fool then God said..."
So what's going to be your bet son?"
I looked up at him with this big-o-stupid grin and said... "If I
turn in this hand can I get another one"
Well God laughed when looked up at me
He laughed so hard he even slapped his knee
But I guess I missed the joke
Because the I hand I was dealt there was just no hope
Then to my surprise at the blink of an eye
The hand I was dealt turned to life
All my in's and out's of jails and institutions
And all the times I thought drugs and alcohol were my
solutions
So rite then and there I had a fit
Kicked off my Jordan's and told God...." I Quit!"
Walked over to the box and laid it down
Closed my eyes and waited to get lowered in the ground
But rite then and there the box shook
Then God stood me back on my feet and said...
"Now son look". ..."I know that hand you was dealt seems
like a defeat"
But that soul of yours is quite unique"
I know your tired of all the battles and wars"
"But if you keep me in your heart above you will soar"
"Over all your enemies and so-called friends"
"I'll never leave you hanging we'll ride to the end"
"My promise to you the next time your in that box"
"The gift of my wings will fly you over the rocks"
"Straight up to Heaven with out a worry to be felt"
"But first you must play out... The Hand You Was Dealt!"
an Quentin State Prison in
San Quentin California. He's a retired gang member as he finally
realized what his priorities really are. He's tired of leading the life he
was leading and finally decided that's not what he wanted. Alongside
of redirecting his own life he would like to redirect the lives of all the
youngsters out there
Attention The Beat Within
Greeting to all of you as a team.
My name is Raymond. I'm a 38 year old Puerto Rican San
Francisco native born and raised in the Mission District 24th
Streets. I'm currently serving the last few weeks of my prison bid.
I'll be home the 15th of June 2008. Not proud to say, I have over
15 years in prison and as a gang member (Nortenos) but thanks
to a new program in the California Department of Corrections,
I am now an official "Ex-" gang member. I've hung up my gloves
so to speak, and I've been thinking about my life and priorities
in an all new way. I no longer wish to be the "Bad Guy". I now
want to be the "Good Guy". Unfortunately due to my very limited
education I do not know whereto start.
I myself, and numerous "homies" both here and the county
jail have lots of respect for you and what you represent. It's a
positive "movement" that I would like to join. I don't know what
kind of "title" to put on or what I want to do.
All I know is that I want to give back to our youth and steer
them away from the life I lived. I most likely won't be here to
receive a letter from you, but I would also "volunteer" until I've
proven my sincerity, for how ever long that takes. But also to my
reality I'm going to eventually have to pay rent and buy food.
Enclosed I've sent you a poem for you to share with "The
Youngsters". There's a positive message there. With God
everything's possible. Thank you for hearing me out. I'll be living
in a residential Drug Program when I parole. Most likely "Walden
House". I need to set my life in the right direction soon as I'm
released 'Cause the Devil is all around us and I need to be sober
to right him.
///////#/////./// ////#///,////////
J^^^m^bo^ / '.[.lLLLIJ.-IL
'DDK TEL U/XLLXBMS'
It's All About the Money
As society grows ever more Godless, and Mammon reigns
increasingly fierce, we see that respect for humanity gets
tossed out the window and it becomes astonishingly clear
that it's all about the money.
In just the month of April, our trio of presidential
candidates garnered a combined $70 million (Obama,
$31.9M; Clinton, $22M; and McCain, $18M) in
contributions, much of it from colossal corporations that
vote by way of the pocketbook rather than the ballot.
So much for democracy!
In California, the Pechanga Band of Luiseno Mission
Indians poured in $41M to influence last February's
elections. The California Correctional Peace Officers
Association dropped $2M and the California Faculty
Association slid in $100,000. The California Federation
of Teachers also put up $929,813 while the Service
Employees International Union threw in $3.7M.
That's not even half of it. Bottomline, it's all about the
money and if you want anything from this uber-capitalistic
country, you'd better be prepared to kick in.
For prisoners this isn't easy. We are gouged by the
canteen, plucked by exorbitant restitution and other state
fees and our labor is exploited akin to sweatshops.
Still, we managed to splurge--get this--$73,994.13
last December (just here at California State Prison-Los
Angeles County) in the same canteen that robs and
incessantly victimizes us.
Here it is apparent that we have enormous financial
muscle. We're just not yet united enough to boycott;
not yet savvy enough to withhold funds in exchange for
reasonable demands, and still, not yet sagacious enough
to contribute to the very organizations that sacrifice so
very much for our cause.
One day, I have faith, we'll come to the realization that
it's all about the money! That's where the power is.
Our next writer is writing to us from a Correctional Facility in
Lancaster, CA. Dortel is not new to magazine, and if anything he's
an O.G. writer. His writing is very political and at the same time he
wants to share his political opinions with all you readers out there with
hopes you can get a glimpse of the bigger picture. He also has another
piece describing all the foolish acts he use to do back in the day as he
was trying to be something he wasn't. So take a moment of your time to
to read some of Dortels writing and you might learn something.
Be a Maverick
We've become a culture of followers. We wear the same
clothes, whatever's the latest fad. Like sheep, we blindly
follow whatever somebody else says is cool. We spend our
last dollar to be like the next person.
We talk the same, too. Whatever's the latest slang, we
follow; memorizing whatever others have made up, to be like
them.
That's one thing I respect about so-called nerds and
geeks, they have enough heart to be different — to be
themselves. By doing so, they invent things, discover new
ways, make others follow them.
I'm kinda like that. While I'm hip and know what time it
is, I don't always follow the crown. For instance, I socialize
but put a limit on my hangin' out. I set aside time for myself
to read, write, and exercise (the nerdy stuff).
While the homies limit themselves to the gift of gab and
marathon chat sessions, I've taught myself Spanish, learned
how to trade stocks and write essays. I also do law and a
gang of other stuff — right in my cell.
Following others is what got me in prison. Stealing cars,
selling drugs, and all of that. I was trying to be somebody
else.
Now a friend of mine calls me a maverick; a person who
marches to the sound of his own beat; does her own thing,
thinks for himself. Yeah, sometimes they try to clown me,
but when I stand my ground and keep doin' what I do they
respect me. I don't give them a choice.
If we're going to have an impact in this world, make
positive contributions and build legacies (or reps) that endure
the test of time, then we need to have a little maverick in us
all.
If Nothing Else
Love boundless yet intertwined
Conversation basic yet refined
A treasure to share, pleasure
X marks the spot, so why not
Given one go round
Take advantage of all opportunity
Found the inner sound
Truly profound
We share the same stars, same moon
If nothing else
In Many Ways
We move melodically
With method to madness
Some of the baddest
At the same time some of
the best
As we look to the west for
the sunset
It rises in my eyes
As we burn through days
Time comes to an end
To go on again as new
What's in heart all that's
true
It almost seems too soon
To see you again
My good friend
It's forever but a few days
And in many ways
I never knew you at all
'KU0TX5 HBU/XLL,'
liurtis New ill, a very prolific and perceptive writer, sends these
poems from a Correctional Facility in Waymart, PA. liurtis has got a
wonderful way with words. He's real creative and he likes to play with
his words. So give it up for liurtis!
Behind The Pen
In all I see
Trouble surrounds me
Danger on all sides
One way out
You gotta ride
Throw caution to the wind
And leave all doubt
From this starting point
Many great things begin
Yo, kid, it's time to blow this joint
Two time losers, drug abusers
To baseball sentences
Three strikes
Doesn't appeal as a good outcome
So don't succumb to these streets
You can be a warrior with words
A great thinker behind the pen
Not in it.
This is my story of the time I have done inside
the Trison Industrial Complex. Society tends to
forget that as human beings, we feel pain and
anger, and cry tears, They forget that we are hu-
man; they forget that we have personalities and
they have placed labels against us when most of
us are genuinely good people who have chosen the
wrong roads in life 's journey,
read the rest ofKebby Warner's 3W0 on page 70
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