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.    •. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA. 


FROM   THH    LIBRAE 


BENJAMIN   PARKE  AVERY. 


GIFT  OF  MRS.  AVERY. 

August.  1806 
JFJ   S7  i 

Accessions  M 


y  August,  i8on. 

io..6$7i'7   VMS  NO.  CIS 

L         Ji 


THE 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 


NEW  YOKE: 
BLAKE MAN     &    MASON, 

21     MURRAY    STREET. 
1862. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1862,  by 

BLAKEMAN    &    MASON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  [Tnited  States,  for  the  Southern 
District  of  New  York. 


ELKCTROTVPKD  UY  SMITH  &  McDouoxi.,  82  «k  8t  Beekman  Street. 
PRINTED  BY  C.  S.  WESTCOTT  &  Co.,  79  John  Street. 


VA  / 


CONTENTS. 


LETTER     I. 

PAGB 

SHOWING  HOW  OTTR  CORRESPONDENT  CAME  INTO  THE  WORLD  '.  WITH  SOME  PAR 
TICULARS  CONCERNING  HIS  EARLY  CHILDHOOD 9 

LETTER      II. 

SHOWING  HOW  THE  WRITER  INCREASED  IN  TEARS  AND  INDISCRETION,  AND 
HOW  HE  WAS  SAVED  FROM  MATRIMONY  BY  THE  LAMENTABLE  EXAMPLE  OF 
JED  SMITH 14 

LETTER     III. 

OUR  CORRESPONDENT  BECOMES  LITERARY,  AND  FATHOMS  CERTAIN  MYSTERIES 
OF  JOURNALISM.  HE  PRODUCES  A  DISTINCTIVE  AMERICAN  POEM,  AND 
GAINS  TUB  USUAL  REWARD  OF  YOUTHFUL  GENIUS 22 

LETTER      IV. 

DESCRIBING  THE  6OUTH  IN  TWELVE  LINES,  DEFINING  THE  CITIZEN'S  FIRST  DUTY, 

AND  RECITING  A  PARODY 81 

LETTER     T. 

CONCERNING  THE  GREAT  CROWD  AT  THE  CAPITAL,  OWING  TO  THE  VAST  INFLUX 
OF  TROOPS,  AND  TOUCHING  UPON  FIRE-ZOUAVE  PECULIARITIES  AND  OTHER 
MATTERS 87 

LETTER     VI. 

INTRODUCING  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE,  DILATING  ON  HAVELOCKS  AS  FIRST 
MADE  BY  THE  WOMEN  OF  AMERICA,  ILLUSTRATING  THE  STRENGTH  OF  HABIT 
AND  WEAKNESS  OF  "  SHODDY,"  AND  SHOWING  HOW  OUR  CORRESPONDENT 
INDULGED  IN  A  HUGE  CANARD,  AFTER  THE  MANNER  OF  AN  ENLIGHTENED 
DAILY  PRESS 42 


IV  CONTENTS. 

LETTER      VII.  P, 

RECORDING  TIIE  FIRST  SANGUINARY  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE,  AND 
ITS  VICTORIOUS  ISSUE 

LETTER     VIII. 

THE  REJECTED  "NATIONAL  HYMNS" 


LETTER      IX. 

IN  WHICH  OUR  CORRESPONDENT  TEMPORARILY   DIGRESSES  FROM    WAR   MATTERS 

TO  BOMANTIC  LITERATURE,  AND  INTRODUCES  A  WOMAN'S  NOVEL. 68 

LETTER     X. 

MAKING  CONSERVATIVE  MENTION  OF  THE  BATTLE  OF  BULL  RUN  AND  ITS  EVENTS. 

THE  FIRE-ZOUAVE'S  VERSION  OF  THE  AFFAIR,  AND  so  ON 74 

LETTER     XI. 

GIVING  AN  EFFECT  OF  TIIE  NEW  BUGLE  DRILL  IN  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE,  AND 

MAKING  SOME  NOTE  OF  THE  LATEST  IMPROVEMENTS  IN  ARTILLERY,  ETC 82 

LETTER      XII. 

GIVING  AN  ABSTRACT  OF.  A  GREAT  ORATOR'S  FLAGGING  SPEECH,  AND  RE 
CORDING  A  DEATHLESS  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE 88 

LETTER     XIII. 

SUBMITTING  VARIOUS  RUMORS  CONCERNING  THE  CONDITION  OF  THINGS  AT 
THE  SOUTH,  WITH  A  SKETCH  OF  A  LIGHT  SKELETON  REGIMENT  AND  A  NOTE 
OF  VILLIAM  BROWN'S  RECRUITING  EXPLOIT 94 


LETTER     XIV. 

BHOWINO   HOW  OUR  CORRESPONDENT  MADE    A   SPEECH  OF  VAGUE  CONTINUITY, 
AFTER  TIIE  MODEL  OF  TIIE  LATEST  APPROVED  STUMP  ORATORY 


LETTER     XV. 

WHEREIN    WILL    BE    FOUND    THE    PARTICULARS    OF    A    VISIT  TO   A  SUSPECTED 


NEWSPAPER  OFFICE,  AND  SO  ON. 


105 


LETTER     XVI. 

INTRODUCING   THE   GOTHIC  STEED,  PEGASUS,   AND   THE   REMARKABLE   GERMAN 

CAVALRY  FROM  THE  WEST.  .  .  109 


CONTEXTS. 


LETTER    XVII. 


PAGE 


NOTINa  A  NEW  VICTORY  OP  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE  IX  VIRGINIA,  AND  IL 
LUSTRATING  T1IE  PECULIAR  THEOLOGY  OF  VILLIAM  BROWN  J  W1TU  SOME 
MENTION  OF  THE  SHARP-SHOOTERS 114 


LETTER    XVIII. 

DESCRIBING    THE    TERRIBLE    DEATH     AND    MYSTERIOUS    DISAPPEARANCE   OP  A 

CONFEDERATE  PICKET,  WITH  A  TRIBUTE  TO  HIS  MEMORY 120 


LETTER    XIX. 

NOTICING  THE  ARRIVAL  OP  A  SOLID  BOSTON  MAN  WITH  AN  UNPRECEDENTED 
LITERARY  PRIZF.,  AND  SHOWING  HOW  VILLIAM  BROWN  WAS  TRIUMPHANTLY 
PROMOTED.  .  .  124 


LETTER     XX. 

CONCERNING  A   SIGNIFICANT    BRITISH  OUTRAGE,  AND    THE  CAPTURE  OP  MASON 

AND  8LIDELL 7 181 


LETTER    XXI. 

DESCRIBING  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN'S  GREAT  EXPEDITION  TO  ACCOMAC,  AND 

ITS  MARVELLOUS  SUCCESS 186 

LETTER    XXII. 

TREATING  OF  VILLIAM'S   OCCUPATION   OF  ACCOMAC,  AND  HIS  WISE   DECISION  IN 

A   CONTRABAND    CASE 144 


LETTERXXIII. 

CONCERNING    BRITISH    NEUTRALITY    AND    ITS   COSMOPOLITAN    EFFECTS,     WITH 

SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  HOW  CAPTAIN  BOB  SHORTY  LOST  HIS  COMPANY 149 


LETTER     XXIV. 

NARRATING  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE'S  MANNER  OP  CELEBRATING  CHRIBT- 
MAB,  AND  NOTING  A  DEADLY  AFFAIR  OF  HONOR  BETWEEN  TWO  WELL- 
KNOWN  OFFICERS 158 

LETTER    XXV. 

PRESENTING  THE  CHAPLAIN'S  NEW  YEAR  POEM,  AND  REPORTING  THE  Bltf- 
GULAR  CONDUCT  OF  THE  GENERAL  OF  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE  ON  THB 
DAT  HE  CELEBRATED 1W 


VI  CONTENTS. 


LETTER    XXYI.  PAGE 

PARTICULARS  OF  A  FALSE    ALARM,  AND  A  BIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH 
OF  THE  OFFICER  COMMANDING.  . .  .  .   173 


LETTER    XXVII. 

TOUCHING  INCIDENTALLY  UPON  THE  CHARACTER  OF  ARMY  FOOD,  AND  CELE 
BRATING  THE  GREAT  DIPLOMATIC  EXPLOIT  OF  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN 
AT  ACCOMAC 177 

LETTER     XXVIII. 

CONCERNING  THE  CONTINUED  INACTIVITY  OF  THE  POTOMAC  ARMY,  AND  SHOW 
ING  HOW  IT  WAS  POETICALLY  CONSTRUED  BY  A  THOUGHTFUL  RADICAL.  .  .  .  184 

LETTER    XXIX. 

INTRODUCING  A  VERITABLE  "MUDSILL,"  ILLUSTRATING  YANKEE  BUSINESS 
TACT,  NOTING  THE  DETENTION  OF  A  NEWSPAPER  CHARTOGRAPHIST, 
AND  60  ON , ..  190 


LETTER    XXX. 

DESCRIPTION  OF  THE  GORGEOUS  FETE  AT  THE  WHITE  HOUSE,  INCLUDING  THE 
OBSERVATIONS  OF  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN  I  WITH  SOME  NOTES  OF  THE 
TOILETTES,  CONFECTIONS,  AND  PUNCH 196 

LETTER     XXXI. 

TREATING  OF  THE  GREAT  MILITARY  ANACONDA,  AND  THE  MODERN  XANTIPPE.    203 

LETTER    XXXII. 

COMMENCING  WITH  A  BURST  OF  EXULTATION  OVER  NATIONAL  VICTORIES,  RE 
FERRING  TO  A  SENATORIAL  MISTAKE,  DEPICTING  A  WELL-KNOWN  CHARAC 
TER,  AND  REPORTING  THE  RECONNOISSANCE  OF  THE  WESTERN  CEN 
TAURS...  ..  209 


LETTER     XXXIII. 

EXEMPLIFYING  THE  TERRIBLE  DOMESTIC  EFFECTS  OF  MILITARY  INACTIVITY 
ON  THE  POTOMAC,  AND  DESCRIBING  THE  METAPHYSICAL  CAPTURE  OF 
FORT  MUGGINS 219 

LETTER    XXXIV. 

BEGINNING  WITH  A  LAMENTATION,  BUT   CHANGING  MATERIALLY  IN  TONE  AT 

TUB  DICTUM  OF  JED  SMITH 22S 


CONTENTS.  Vll 


LETTER    XXXY.  PAGE 

GIVING   PRACTICAL  ILLUSTRATION   OP  MODERN  PATRIOTISM,  AND  CELEBRATING 

TH£  ADVANCE  OF  THE  MACKEREL   BRIGADE  TO  MANASSA8,  ETC 289 

LETTER    XXX  V  I  . 

CONCERNING  THE  WEAKNESSES  OF  GREAT  MEN,  THE  CURIOUS  MISTAKE  OF  A 
FRATERNAL  MACKEREL,  AND  THE  REMARKABLE  ALLITERATIVE  PERFORM 
ANCE  OF  CAPTAIN  V1LLIAM  BROWN 248 


LETTER    XXXVII. 

DESCRIBKTG     THE     REMARKABLE     STRATEGICAL      MOVEMENT       OF     THE     CONIC 

SECTION,    UNDER  CAPTAIN   BOB   SHORTY 254 

LETTER     XXXVIII. 

INTRODUCING  THE  VERITABLE  "  HYMN  OF  THE  CONTRABANDS,"  WITH  EMAN 
CIPATION  MUSIC,  AND  DESCRIBING  THE  TERRIFIC  COMBAT  A  LA  MAIN 
BETWEEN  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN,  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES  OF  AMERICA, 
AND  CAPTAIN  MUNCUAUSEN,  OF  THE  SOUTUEUN  CONFEDERACY 260 

LETTER    XXXIX. 

SHOWING  HOW  A  REBEL  WAS  REDUCED,  AND  CONVERTED  TO  "  RECONSTRUC 
TION,"  BY  TIIE  VALOROUS  ORANGE  COUNTY  HOWITZERS 270 

LETTER     XL. 

RENDERING    TRIBUTE    OF    ADMIRATION    TO    THE    WOMEN  OF    AMERICA,  WITH    A 

REMINISCENCE  OF  HOBBS  &  DOBBS,  ETC 2T6 

LETTER     XLI. 

CITING    A   NOTABLE   CASE   OF    VOLUNTEER    SURGERY,  AND  GIVING    AN  OUTLINE 

SKETCH  OF   "  COTTON  SEMINARY11.  .  .  283 


LETTER    XLII. 

REVEALING  A  NEW  BLOCKADING  IDEA,  INTRODUCING  A  GEOMETRICAL  STEED, 
AND  NARRATING  THE  WONDERFUL  EXPLOITS  OF  THE  MACKEREL  SHARP 
SHOOTER  AT  YORKTOWN 


LETTER    XLIII. 

CONCERNING  MARTIAL  LITERATURE;  INTRODUCING  A  DIDACTIC  POEM  BY 
THE  "ARKAN8AW  TRACT  SOCIETY,"  AND  A  BIOGRAPHY  OF  GARIBALDI 
FOR  THE  SOLDIER ..294 


Vlll  CONTENTS. 


LETTER    XLIY. 

SHOWING  HOW  THE  GREAT  BATTLE  OF  PARIS  WAS  FOUGHT  AND  WON  BY  THE 
MACKEREL  BRIGADE,  AIDED  AND  ABETTED  BY  THE  IRON-PLATED  FLEET 
OF  COMMODORE  HEAD 306 

LETTER    X  L  Y  . 

EXEMPLIFYING  THE  INCONSISTENCY  OF  THE  CONSERVATIVE  ELEMENT,  AND 
SETTING  FORTH  THE  MEASURES  ADOPTED  BY  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN  IN 
HIS  MILITARY  GOVERNMENT  OF  PARIS 314 

LETTER     XLVI. 

WHEREIN  IS  SHOWN  HOW  THE  GENERAL  OF  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE  FOL 
LOWED  AN  ILLUSTRIOUS  EXAMPLE,  AND  VETOED  A  PROCLAMATION.  ALSO 
RECORDING  A  MILITARY  EXPERIMENT  WITH  RELIABLE  CONTRABANDS 322 

LETTER    X  L  Y  I  I  . 

INTRODUCING  A  POEM  BASED  UPON  AN  IDEA  THAT    IS  IN  VIOLET — A    POEM  FOR 

WHICH  ONE  OF  THE  WOMEN  OF  AMERICA  IS  SOLELY  RESPONSIBLE 829 

LETTER     XL  Y  III. 

TREATING    CHIEFLY  OF   A    TERRIBLE    PANIC  WHICH    BROKE    OUT   IN   PARIS,  BUT 

SUBSEQUENTLY  PROVED  TO  BE  ONLY  A  NATURAL  EFFECT  OF  STRATEGY 333 

LETTER     XLIX. 

NOTING  THE  ARCHITECTURAL  EFFECTS  OF  THE  GOTHIC  STEED,  PEGASUS,  AND 
DESCRIBING  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE'S  SANGUINARY  ENGAGEMENT  WITH 
THE  RICHMOND  REBELS ,  .  .  840 


LETTER     L. 

REMARKING  UPON  A  PECULIARITY  OF  VIRGINIA,  AND  DESCRIBING  COMMODORE 
HEAD'S  GREAT  NAVAL  EXPLOIT  ON  DUCK  LAKE,  ETC 361 


LETTER     LI. 

GIVING  DUE  PROMINENCE  ONCE  MORE  TO  THE  CONSERVATIVE  ELEMENT,  NOTING 
A  CAT-AND-DOG  AFFAIR,  AND  REPORTING  CAPTAIN  BOB  SHORTY'S  FORAG 
ING  EXPEDITION ...  


LETTER    LIT. 

DESCRIBING  AMONG  OTHER  THINGS,  A  SPECIALITY  OF  CONGRESS,  A  VENERABLE 
POPULAR  IDOL,  AND  THE  DIFFICULTIES  EXPERIENCED  BY  CAPTAIN  SAM- 
YULE  SA-MITH  IN  DYING. .  .  .  .  874 


LETTER    I. 

SHOWING   HOW   OUR   CORRESPONDENT    CAME    INTO   THE   "WORLD:      WITH 
SOME   PARTICULARS   CONCERNING   HIS   EARLY   CHILDHOOD. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  20tb,  1861. 

JUDGE  not  by  appearances,  my  boy  ;  for  appear 
ances  are  very  deceptive,  as  the  old  lady  cholcrically 
remarked  when  one,  who  was  really  a  virgin  on  to 
forty,  blushingly  informed  her  that  she  was  ajust 
twenty-five  this  month." 

Though  you  find  me  in  Washington  now,  I  was 
born  of  respectable  parents,  and  gave  every  indica 
tion,  in  my  satchel  and  apron  days,  of  coming  to 
something  better  than  this, — much  better,  my  boy. 

Slightly  northward  of  the  Connecticut  river,  where 
a  pleasant  little  conservative  village  mediates  be 
tween  two  opposition  hills,  you  may  behold  the  land 
scape  on  which  my  infantile  New  England  eyes  first 
traced  the  courses  of  future  railroads. 

Near  the  centre  of  this  village  in  the  valley,  my 
boy,  and  a  little  back  from  its  principal  road,  stood 
the  residence  of  my  worthy  sire — and  a  very  pretty 
residence  it  was.  From  the  frequent  addition  of  a 

1* 


10  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

new  upper-room  here,  a  new  dormer  window  there, 
and  an  innovating  skylight  elsewhere,  the  roof  of  the 
mansion  had  gradually  assumed  an  Alpine  variety  of 
juts  and  peaks  somewhat  confusing  to  behold.  Local 
tradition  related  that,  on  a  certain  showery  occasion, 
a  streak  of  lightning  was  seen  to  descend  upon  that 
roof,  skip  vaguely  about  from  one  peak  to  another, 
and  finally  slink  ignominiously  down  the  water-pipe, 
as  though  utterly  disgusted  with  its  own  inability  to 
determine,  where  there  are  so  many,  which  peak  it 
should  particularly  perforate. 

Years  afterwards,  my  boy,  this  strange  tale  was 
told  me  by  a  venerable  chap  of  the  village,  and  I 
might  have  believed  it,  had  he  not  outraged  the  prob 
ability  of  the  meteorological  narrative  with  a  sequel. 

"  And  when  that  streak  came  down  the  pipe," 
says  the  aged  chap,  thoughtfully,  "it  struck  a  man 
who  was  leaning  against  the  house,  ran  down  to  his 
feet,  and  went  into  the  ground  without  hurting  him 
a  mite  !" 

With  the  natural  ingenuousness  of  childhood  I 
closed  one  eye,  my  boy,  and  says  I  : 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me,  old  man,  that  he  was 
struck  by  lightning,  and  yet  wasn't  hurt  ?" 

"  Yes,"  says  the  venerable  chap,  abstractedly  cut 
ting  a  small  log  from  the  door-frame  of  the  grocery 
store  with  his  jack-knife  ;  "  the  streak  passed  off 
from  him,  because  he  was  a  conductor." 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  11 

"  A  conductor  ?"  says  I,  picking  up  another  stone 
to  throw  at  the  same  dog. 

"Yes/'  says  the  chap  confidentially,  "he  was  a 
conductor — on  a  railroad." 

The  human  mind,  my  boy,  when  long  affected  by 
country  air,  tends  na-turally  to  the  marvellous,  and 
affiliates  with  the  German  in  normal  transcendent 
alism. 

Such  was  the  house  in  which  I  came  to  life  a  cer 
tain  number  of  years  ago,  entering  the  world,  like  a 
human  exclamation  point,  between  two  of  the  an 
griest  sentences  of  a  September  storm,  and  adding 
materially  to  the  uproar  prevailing  at  the  time. 

Next  to  my  parents,  of  whom  I  shall  say  little  at 
present,  the  person  I  can  best  remember,  as  I  look 
back,  was  our  family  physician.  A  very  obese  man 
was  he,  my  boy,  with  certain  sweet-oiliness  of  man 
ner,  and  never  out  of  patients.  I  think  I  can  see 
him  still,  as  he  arose  from  his  chair  after  a  profound 
study  of  the  case  before  him,  and  wrote  a  prescrip 
tion  so  circumlocutory  in  its  effect,  that  it  sent  a 
servant  half  a  mile  to  his  friend,  the  druggist,  for 
articles  she  might  have  found  in  her  own  kitchen, 
aqua  pumpaginis  and  sugar  being  the  sole  ingredients 
required. 

The  doctor  had  started  business  in  our  village  as  a 
veterinary  surgeon,  my  boy  ;  but,  as  the  entire  extent 
of  his  practice  for  six  months  in  that  line  was  a  call 


12  ORPHEUS    C.   KERB   PAPERS. 

to  mend  one  of  Colt's  revolvers,  lie  finally  turned  his 
attention  to  the  ailings  of  his  fellows,  and  wrought 
many  cures  with  sugar  and  water  Latinized. 

At  first.,  my  father  did  not  patronize  the  new  doc 
tor,  having  very  little  faith  in  the  efficacy  of  sugar 
and  water  without  the  addition  of  a  certain  other 
composite  often  seen  in  bottles  ;  but  the  doctor's  neat 
speech  at  a  Sunday  school  festival  won  his  heart  at 
last.  The  festival  was  held  near  a  series  of  small 
waterfalls  just  out  of  the  village,  my  boy,  and  the 
doctor,  who  was  an  invited  guest,  was  called  upon 
for  a  few  appropriate  remarks.  In  compliance  with 
the  demand  he  made  a  speech  of  some  compass,  end 
ing  with  a  peroration  that  is  still  quoted  in  my  native 
place.  He  pointed  impressively  to  the  waterfalls, 
and  says  he  : 

"  All  the  works  of  nature  is  somewhat  beautiful, 
with  a  good  moral.  Even  them  cataracts/'  says  he, 
sagely,  "  have  a  moral,  and  seem  eternally  whisper 
ing  to  the  young,  that  '  Those  what  err  falls'." 
.  The  effect  of  this  happy  illustration  was  very 
pleasing,  my  boy  ;  especially  with  those  who  prefer 
morality  to  grammar  ;  and  after  that,  the  physician 
had  the  run  of  all  the  pious  families — our  own  in 
cluded. 

It  was  a  handsome  compliment  this  worthy  man 
paid  me  when  I.  was  about  six  months  old. 

Having  just  received  from  my  father  the  amount 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  13 

of  his  last  bill,  he  was  complacent  to  the  last  degree, 
and  felt  inclined  to  do  the  handsome  thing.  He 
patted  iny  head  as  I  sat  upon  my  mother's  lap,  and 
says  he  : 

"  How  "beautiful  is  babes  !  So  small,  and  yet  so 
much  like  human  beings,  only  not  so  large.  This 
boy,"  says  he,  fatly,  looking  down  at  me,  "  will  make 
a  noise  in  the  world  yet.  He  has  a  long  head,  a 
very  long  head." 

"  Do  you  think  so  ?"  says  my  father. 

"  Indeed  I  do,"  says  the  doctor.  "  The  little  fel 
low/'  says  he,  in  a  sudden  fit  of  abstraction,  "  has  a 
long  head,  a  very  long  head — and  it's  as  thick  as  it  is 
long." 

There  was  some  coolness  between  the  doctor  and 
my  father  after  that,  my  boy  :  and,  on  the  following 
Sunday,  my  mother  refused  to  look  at  his  wife's  new 
bonnet  in  church. 

I  might  cover  many  pages  with  further  account  of 
childhood's  sunny  hours  ;  but  enough  has  been  given 
already  to  establish  the  respectability  of  my  birth, 
despite  my  present  location  ;  and  there  I  let  the  mat 
ter  rest,  my  boy,  for  the  time  being. 

Yours,  retrospectively, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    II. 

SHOWING  HOW  THE  WRITER  INCREASED  IN  YEARS  AND  INDISCRETION, 
AND  HOW  HE  WAS  SAVED  FROM  MATRIMONY  BY  THE  LAMENTABLE 
EXAMPLE  OF  JED  SMITH. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  25th,  1861. 

To  continue  from  where  I  left  off,  my  boy  :  be 
tween  the  interesting  ages  of  ten  and  eighteen  I  went 
to  school  at  the  village  academy,  working  through 
the  English  branches  and  the  Accidence,  with  a 
lively  sense  of  a  preponderance  of  birch  in  the  former, 
and  occasional  class-sickness  in  the  latter. 

Those  were  my  happiest  days,  my  boy  ;  and  as  I 
look  back  to  them  now,  for  a  moment  all  my  flip 
pancy  leaves  me,  and  1  forget  that  I  am  an  American 
and  a  politician.  Those  dear  old  days  !  those  short, 
unreal  days  !  Only  long  in  being  long  past. 

It  was  just  after  the  eternal  "  Bonus — Bona — Bo- 
num"  of  the  master  had  ceased  to  ring  in  my  ears, 
that  I  commenced  to  be  a  young  man.  I  knew  that 
I  was  becoming  a  young  man,  my  boy  ;  for  it  was 
then  that  I  began  to  regard  the  unmarried  women  of 
America  with  sheepish  bashfulness,  and  stumbled 
awkwardly  as  I  entered  my  father's  pew  in  church. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  15 

Then  it  was  that  the  sound  of  a  young  female  giggle 
threw  me  into  a  cold  perspiration,  and  a  looking- 
glass  deluded  me  into  gesticulating  in  solitude  before 
it,  and  extemporizing  the  speeches  I  was  to  make 
when  called  upon  to  justify  the  report  of  fame  by 
admiring  populaces. 

Do  you  remember  the  asinine  time  in  your  own 
life,  my  boy, — do  you  remember  it  ?  I  know  that 
you  do,  my  boy,  for  I  can  feel  your  blush  on  iny  own 
cheeks. 

Of  the  few  women  of  America  who  looked  upon 
me  with  favor,  there  was  one — Ellen — whom  I  really 
loved,  I  think  ;  for  of  all  the  girls,  the  mention  of 
her  name,  alone,  gave  me  that  peculiar  feeling  in 
which  instinctive  impulse  blends  undefinably  and 
perpetually  with  a  sense  of  reverent  respect  ;  or, 
rather,  with  a  sense  of  some  unworthiness  of  self. 
Ellen  died  before  I  had  known  her  a  year.  I  thought 
afterwards,  like  any  other  youngster,  that  I  loved 
half-a-dozen  different  girls  ;•  but,  even  in  maturer 
years,  second  love  is  a  poor  imitation.  Say  what  you 
will  about  second  love,  my  boy,  in  the  breast  of  him 
truly  a  man,  it  is  but  an  imperium  in  imperio — a 
flower  on  the  grave  of  the  first. 

There  was  one  young  woman  of  America  in  our 
village,  my  boy,  about  whom  the  chaps  teased  me  not 
a  little  ;  and  I  might,  perhaps,  have  been  teased  into 
matrimony,  like  many  another  unfortunate,  but  for 


16  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

the  example  of  a  Salsbury  chap  I  met  one  night  in 
one  of  the  village  stores.  He  was  a  Yankee  chap 
with  much  southwestern  experience,  my  boy,  and 
when  he  heard  the  lads  teasing  me  about  a  woman, 
he  hoisted  his  heels  upon  the  counter,  and  says  he  : 

"  Anybody'd  think  that  creation  was  born  with  a 
frock  on,  to  hear  the  way  you  younkers  talk  woman. 
Darn  the  she-critters  !"  says  he,  shutting  his  jack- 
knife  with  a  clash.  "  I'd  rayther  be  as  lonesome  as  a 
borryed  pup,  than  see  a  piece  of  caliker  as  big  as  a 
pancake.  What's  wimmen  but  a  tarnation  bundle  of 
gammon  and  petticoats.  Powerful !  Be  you  married 
folks,  stranger  ?" 

"  Not  yet,"  says  I. 

"Don't  never  be  then,"  says  he.  "  My  name's 
Smith — one  of  the  Smithses  down  to  Salsbury,  that's 
guaranteed  to  put  away  as  much  provender  and  carry 
as  big  a  turkey  as  ever  set  on  critters  down  in  that 
dees  trie t.  And  whilst  my  name's  Smith,  there'll 
never  be  a  younker  to  call  me  '  daddy,'  ef  a  gal  was 
to  have  Jerusalem  tantrums  after  me.  You'rn  a 
stranger,  and  ain't  married  folks  ;  but  I  don't  mind 
tellin'  ye  about  a  golfired  rumpus  I  got  into  down  in 
Salsbury  when  I  .took  to  a  gal  that  stuck  out  all 
around  like  a  hay-stack,  an'  was  a  screamer  at  choir- 
meetin'  and  such  like.  Her  name  was  Sal  Green — 
one  of  the  Greenses  down  in  Pegtown — and  the  first 
time  I  took  a  notion  to  her  was  down  to  the  old  shingle 


ORPHEUS    C.   KERR    PAPERS.  17 

meetin'  -house,  when  Sam  Spooner  had  a  bury  in'. 
"When  the  parson  gets  out  a  hymn,  she  straightened 
up  like  a  rooster  at  six  o'clock  of  daybreak,  and  let 
out  a  string  of  screams  that  set  all  the  babies  to 
yelping  as  though  big  pins  was  goin'  clean  through 
their  insides.  Geewhillikins  !  how  the  critter  did 
squawk  and  squeal,  and  turn  up  her  eyes  like  a  sick 
duck  in  a  shower.  I  was  jest  fool  enough  to  think  it 
pooty  ;  and  when  my  old  man  says,  says  he,  i  Jed, 
you're  took  all  of  a  heap  with  that  pooty  creeter,' 
I  felt  as  ef  chills  an'  fever  was  givin'  me  partikiler 
agony.  Says  I,  i  She's  an  armful  fur  the  printze  of 
Wales,  and  ef  that  Bob  Tompkins  don't  stop  makin' 
eyes  at  her  over  there,  I'll  give  him  sech  a  lacing  that 
he  won't  comb  his  hair  for  six  weeks/ 

"  The  old  man.  put  a  chaw  into  his  meat-safe,  and 
shut  one  eye  ;  and,  sez  he-:  (  Jed,  you're  a  fool  ef 
you  don't  hook  that  gal's  dress  fur  her  before  next 
harvestin'.  She's  a  mighty  scrumptious  creetur,  and 
just  about  ripe  for  the  altar.  Jest  tell  her  there's 
more  Smithses  wanted  an'  she'll  leave  the  Greenses 
'thout  a  snicker.'  I  rayther  liked  the  idee  :  but  I 
told  the  old  man  that  his  punkin-pie  was  all  squash ; 
because  it  wouldn't  do  to  let  on  too  soon.  When  the 
folks  was  startin'  from  the  church,  I  went  up  to  Sal, 
and  sez  I,  l  Miss,  I  s'pose  you  wouldn't  mind  lettin' 
me  see  you  tu  hum.'  She  blushed  like  a  biled  lob 
ster,  and  sez  she  :  ' I  don't  know  your  folks.'  I  felt 

2 


18  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

sorter  streaked  ;  but  I  gev  my  collar  a  hitch,  and  sez 
I :  i  I'm  Mister  Smith  :  one  of  the  Smithses  of  this 
deestriet,  an'  always  willin'  for  a  female  in  distress/ 
Then  she  made  a  curtesy,  an'  was  goin'  to  say  some- 
thin',  when  Bob  Tompkins  steps  up,  and  sez  he  : 
'  There's  a-goin'  to  be  another  buryin'  in  this  settle 
ment,  ef  some  folks  don't  mind  their  own  chores,  an' 
quit  foolin'  with  other  folkses  company  !'  This  riled 
me  rite  up,  and  sez  I :  '  There's  a  feller  in  this 
deestrict  that  hain't  had  a  spell  of  layin'  on  his  back 
for  some  time  :  but  he's  in  immediate  clanger  of 
ketchin'  the  disease  bad.'  Bob  took  a  squint  at  the 
width  of  my  chist,  and  then  he  turned  to  Sal,  who 
was  shakin'  like  a  cabbage  leaf  in  a  summer  gale,  and 
sez  he  :  (  Sal,  let's  marvel  out  of  bad  company  before 
it  spiles  our  morials/  With  that  he  crooked  one  of 
his  smashin'  machines,  and  Sal  was  jest  hookin'  on, 
when  I  put  the  weight  of  about  one  hundred  pounds 
under  his  ear,  an'  sez  I  :  e  Jest  lay  there,  Bob  Tomp 
kins,  until  your  parients  comes  out  to  look  fur  your 
body.'  He  went  down  as  ef  he'd  been  took  with  a 
suddint  desire  to  examine  the  roots  of  the  grass,  and 
Sal  screamed  out  that  I'd  murdered  the  rantankerous 
critter.  Sez  I  :  '  The  tombstun  that's  fur  his  head 
ain't  cut  yet  :  but  I  calkilate  it'll  be  took  out  of 
the  quarry  ef  he  comes  smellin'  around  my  heels 
ag'in.'  Jest  as  I  made  this  feelin'  remark,  the  var 
mint  began  to  scratch  earth  as  ef  he  had  a  mind  to 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERIl    PAPERS.  19 

see  how  it  would  feel  to  be  on  his  pins  ag'in,  and  I 
crooked  my  elbow  to  Sal  and  thought  it  was  about 
time  to  marvel.  She  layed  up  to  me  like  a  pig  to  a 
rough  post,  and  we  peregrinated  along  for  some  dis 
tance  until  we  were  pretty  nigh  hum.  I  was  askin' 
her  cf  it  hurt  her  much  when  she  sung,  an'  she  was 
sayin' '  not  partikeler,'  when  all  of  a  suddint  somethin' 
knocked  Fourth-o'-July  fireworks  out  of  my  eyes, 
and  I  went  to  grass  with  my  heels  up.  It  was  Bob 
Tompkins,  and  sez  he  :  '  Lay  there,  Mr.  Smith,  and 
let  us  here  from  you  by  the  next  mail/  For  a  min 
ute,  I  thought  I  was  bound  for  glory,  but  pooty  soon 
I  come  to  my  oats,  and  then  I  rolled  over  and  seen 
Bob  a-squeezing  Sal's  hand.  All  right,  my  prooshian 
blue,  thinks  I,  there'll  be  a  'pothecary's  bill  for  some, 
family  in  this  here  deestrict :  but  I  won't  say  who's 
to  pay  it  at  present.  I  jest  waited  to  see  the  feller 
try  to  put  his  nose  into  Sal's  face,  and  then  I  stretched 
to  my  feet,  and  sez  I  :  £  This  here  pasture  wants  a 
little  mashin'  down  to  make  it  fruitful,  and  it's  my 
impreshun  that  I  can  do  it.'  Sal  see  that  I  was 
bound  to  make  somebody  smell  agony,  so  she  jist 
ripped  away  from  Bob,  and  marveled  for  the  house, 
screaming  '  fire,'  like  a  scrumptious  fire-department. 
Bob  looked  after  her  for  a  minit,  and  then  he  turned 
to  me,  and  sez  he  :  '  I  hope  your  folks  have  got  some 
crape  to  hum  ;  because  there's  goin'  to  be  a  job  fur 
our  wirtuous  sexton.'  I  kinder  smiled  outer  one  eye, 


20  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

and'  sez  I :  (  When  Sal  and  I  is  married,  we'll  drop  a 
tear  fur  the  early  decease  of  an  individual  who  never 
would  hev  been  born  if  it  hadn't  been  for  your  pa- 
rients.'  This  riled  Bob  up  awful,  and  he  came  right 
at  me,  like  a  mad  bull  at  a  red  shawl.  I  felt  some- 
thin'  drop  on  the  bridge  of  my  nose,  and  see  a  hull 
nest  of  sky  rockets  all  at  onct ;  but  I  only  keeled  for 
the  shake  of  a  tail,  and  then  I  piled  in  like  a  mad 
buffalo  with'  the  cholic.  It  was  give  and  take  for 
about  five  minutes  ;  and,  I  tell  you,  Bob  played 
away  on  my  nose  like  a  Trojan.  The  blood  flu  some, 
and  I  was  sorry  I  hadn't  said  good-bye  to  the  folks 
before  I  left  them  ;  but  I  gave  Bob  some  happy 
evidences  of  youthful  Christianity  around  his  goggles, 
.and  pooty  soon  he  looked  as  ef  he'd  been  brought  up 
to  the  charcoal  business.  We  was  makin'  pooty 
good  time  round  the  lot,  when,  all  of  a  suddint,  Sal 
came  running  up  with  her  father  and  mother  ;  and, 
sez  the  old  feller  :  '  Ef  you  two  members  of  the  church 
don't  stop  your  religious  exercises,  there'll  be  some 
preachin'  from  the  book  of  John.' 

"  With  that,  Bob  took  his  paw  out  of  my  hair, 
and  sez  he  :  '  Smithses  son  hit  me  the  first  whack.' 
I  jest  promenaded  up  to  the  old  man,  and  sez  I :  '  If 
you'll  jest  show  me  a  good  buryin'-place,  I'll  take 
pleasure  in  makin'  a  funeral  for  the  Tompkinses.' 
The  old  man  looked  kinder  queerious  at  Sally,  and 
she  commenced  to  snicker  ;  and  sez  she  :  '  What  are 
you  two  fellers  rumpussin'  about  ?'  I  looked  lovin' 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  21 

at  her,  and  sez  I :  l  It's  to  see  who  shall  hev  the  poot- 
iest  gal  of  all  the  Greenses/  When  I  said  this,  the 
old  man  bust  into  a  larf  like  a  wild  hyenner. ;  and  the 
old  woman,  she  put  her  hands  across  her  stummik 
and  begin  to  larf  like  mad,  and  Sal  she  snickered 
right  eout  in  my  countenance,  and  sez  she  :  '  Why, 
I'm  engaged  to  Sam  Slocum  !' 

"  Strannger,  there's  no  use  of  talkin'.  My  hair  riz 
right  up  like  a  blackin'-brush,  and  Bob's  eyes  came 
out  like  peas  out  of  a  yaller  pod.  There  was  speech 
less  silence  for  two  minits,  and  then  says  Bob  : 
{  There's  a  couple  of  golfired  fools  somewheres  in  this 
country,  and  it's  a  pity  their  dads  ever  seen  their 
mothers.'  I  see  he  felt  powerful  mean,  so  I  walked 
up  to  him,  and  sez  I  :  (  Suppose  we  go  and  look  for 
the  New  Jerusalem  ?'  He  jest  hooked  to  my  elbow, 
and  without  sayin'  another  word,  we  marveled  for  hum. 

"Sence  that,  I  hain't  held  no  communion  with 
petticoats,  and  ef  I  ever  get  married,  you  shall  hev 
an  invite  to  the  funeral." 

As  I  went  home  that  night,  my  boy,  after  hearing 
the  story  of  that  rude,  unlettered  man,  I  made  up 
my  mind  to  have  nothing  more  to  do  with  the  uncer 
tain  women  of  America;  until  my  position  should  be 
such  that  they  would  not  dare  to  "fool"  me.  The 
women  of  America,  my  boy,  are  equally  apt  at  mak 
ing  a  fool  of  a  man  in  his  own  estimation,  and  a  man 
of  a  fool  in  their  own.  9  Yours,  for  celibacy, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   III. 

OUR  CORRESPONDENT  BECOMES  LITERARY,  AND  FATHOMS  CERTAIN  MYS 
TERIES  OF  JOURNALISM.  HE  PRODUCES  A  DISTINCTIVE  AMERICAN 
POEM,  AND  GAINS  THE  USUAL  REWARD  OF  YOUTHFUL  GENIUS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  31st,  1S61. 

As  far  I  can  trace  back,  my  boy,  we  never  had  a 
literary  character  in  our  family,  save  a  venerable  aunt 
of  mine,  on  my  mother's  side,  who .  commenced  her 
writing  career  by  refusing  to  contribute  to  the  Sunday 
papers,  and  subsequently  won  much  fame  as  the  au 
thoress  of  a  set  of  copy-books.  When  this  gifted  rel 
ative  found  herself  acquiring  a  reputation,  she  came 
in  state  to  visit  us,  and  so  disgusted  my  very  practical 
father  by  wearing  slip-shod  gaiters,  inking  her  right 
hand  thumb  nail  every  morning,  calling  all  things  by 
European  names,  and  insisting  upon  giving  our  old 
est  plough  horse  the  romantic  and  literary  title  of 
"  Lord  Byron/'  that  my  exasperated  parent  incurred 
a  most  tremendous  prejudice  against  authorship,  my 
boy,  and  vowed,  when  she  went  away,  that  he  never 
would  invite  her  presence  again. 

I  was  only  twenty  years  old  at  that  time,  and  the 
novelty  of  my  aunt's  conduct  had  rather  an  infatu- 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  23 

ating  effect  upon  me.  With  that  perversity  often 
observable  in  youngsters  before  they  have  seen  much 
of  the  world,  I  became  deeply  interested  in  my  lite 
rary  relative  as  soon  as  my  father  commenced  to 
speak  contemptuously  of  her  pursuits,  and  it  took 
very  little  time  to  invest  me  with  a  longing  and  de 
termination  to  be  a  writer. 

Thenceforth  I  wore  negligent  linen ;  frequently 
rested  my  head  upon  the  forefinger  of  my  right  hand, 
with  a  lofty  and  abstracted  air  ;  assumed  an  expres 
sion  of  settled  and  mysterious  gloom  when  at  church, 
and  suffered  my  hair  to  grow  long  and  uncombed. 

Speaking  of  the  masculine  literary  habit  of  wearing 
the  hair  in  this  way,  my  boy,  I  find  myself  impressed 
with  a  profound  metaphysical  idea.  You  have  prob 
ably  noticed  that  writers  following  this  fashion  will 
frequently  scratch  their  heads  when  inspiration  plays 
the  laggard.  It  is  also  true  that  wearers  of  long  and 
uncombed  hair  who  are  not  writers,  will  scratch  their 
heads  in  the  same  way,  occasionally.  The  action  be 
ing  the  same  in  both  cases,  can  it  be  that  physiolog 
ical  inspection  would  develope  an  affinity  between  the 
natural  causes  thereof  ? 

I  have  often  thought  of  this,  my  boy, — I've  often 
thought  of  this. 

My  bearing  during  this  period  of  infatuation  could 
hardly  fail  to  attract  considerable  attention  in  our 
village,  and  there  were  two  opinions  about  me.  One 


24'  OKPHEUS  C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

was  that  I  had  been  jilted  ;  the  other,  that  I  was 
about  to  become  a  vagabond  and  an  actor.  My 
father  inclined  to  the  former,  and  left  me,  as  he 
thought,  to  get  over  my  disappointment  in  the  nat 
ural  way. 

My  peripatetic  spell  had  lasted  about  six  weeks,  my 
boy,  when  I  formed  the  acquaintance  of  the  editor  of 
the  Lily  of  the  Valley,  who  permitted  me  to  mope  in 
his  office  now  and  then,  and  soothed  my  literary  in 
flammation  by  permitting  me  to  write  "  puffs "  for 
the  village  milliner. 

Oh  !  the  fierce  and  tremendous  ecstasy  of  that 
moment  when  I  first  saw  my  own  words  in  print, 
with  not  more  than  six  typographical  errors  in  each 
line  : — "  QUEBN  VICTORIA,  it  is  said,  is  comind  to 
this  coontry  for  the  xpress  purpose  of  obtaining 
one  of  these  beautiful  spring  bunnets  at  Madame 
Smith's." 

I  noticed  as  I  went  home  on  the  day  of  publication, 
that  all  whom  I  passed  paused  to  look  after  me.  I 
was  already  famous.  The  discovery,  -on  reaching  our 
house,  that  one  of  my  temples  was  somewhat  fingered 
with  printers'  ink,  did  not  shake  me  in  this  belief,  my 
boy  ;  I  was  too  far  gone  for  that. 

The  editor  of  the  Lily  treated  me  considerately, 
and  even  asked  me  at  times  to  accompany  him  to  the 
place  where  he  daily  sipped  inspiration,  gaining  there 
by  a  fresh  flow  of  ideas  and  the  qualified  immortality 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  25 

of  certain  additional  chalk-marks  on  the  back  of  a 
door.     I  refer  to  a  spirituous  establishment. 

Finding  that  the  editorial  treasury  did  not  redeem 
its  verbal  promissory  notes,  my  boy,  the  proprietor 
of  this  establishment  suddenly  put  forth  a  new  sign, 
conspicuously  reading  :  — 


TIMOTHY   TROT, 

LICENSED  LIQUOR  DE&LSH,   | 
$  AND  § 

&  ASSOCIATE  EDITOR  OF  THE  "  LILY  OF  THE  VALLEY."  v\ 


The  editor  went  to  .him,  and  says  he  : 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  this  impertinence,  Tim 
othy  ?" 

The  liquor  chap  stuck  his  hands  into  his  pockets, 
my  boy,  and  says  he  : 

"  If  I  furnish  inspiration  for  nothing,  I  may  as  well 
have  some  literary  credit.  The  village  swallows  what 
you  furnish,"  says  the  chap,  reasoningly,  "  and  you 
swallow  what  I  furnish,  and  so  I'm  the  head  editor 
after  all" 

But  he  took  down  the  sign,  my  boy,  when  the  ed 
itor  dissolved  the  partnership  by  paying  his  score. 

What  are  called  Spirited  Editorials  in  the  New 
York  papers,  my  boy,  very  often  involve  two  swal 
lows  as  well  as  a  spread-eagle. 

2 


26  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

While  looking  over  some  old  magazines  in  the  Lily 
office  one  day,  I  found  in  an  ancient  British  periodi 
cal  a  raking  article  upon  American  literature,  wherein 
the  critic  affirmed  that  all  our  writers  were  but  weak 
imitators  of  English  authors,  and  that  such  a  thing- 
even  as  a  Distinctively  American  Poem  sui  generis, 
had  not  yet  been  produced. 

This  radical  sneer  at  the  United  States  of  America 
fired  my  Yankee  blood,  my  boy,  and  I  vowed  within 
myself  to  write  a  poem,  not  only  distinctively  Amer 
ican,  but  of  such  a  character  that  only  America 
could  have  produced  it.  In  the  solitude  of  my  room, 
that  night,  I  wooed  the  aboriginal  muse,  and  two 
days  thereafter  the  Lily  of  the  Valley  contained  my 
distinctive  American  poem  of 

THE   AMERICAN"   TRAVELER. 

To  Lake  Aghmoogenegamook, 

All  in  the  State  of  Maine, 
A  man  from  "Wittequergaugaum  came 

One  evening  in  the  rain. 

"I  am  a  traveler,"  said  he, 
"  Just  started  on  a  tour, 
And  go  to  Nomjamskillicook 
To-morrow  morn  at  four." 

He  took  a  tavern  bed  that  night, 

And  with  the  morrow's  sun, 
By  way  of  Sekledobskus  went, 

With  carpet-bag  and  gun. 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.          27 

A  week  passed  on ;    and  next  we  find 

Our  native  tourist  como 
To  that  sequestered  village  called 

Genasagarnagum. 

From  thence  he  went  to  Absequoit, 

And  there— quite  tired  of  Maine — 
He  sought  the  mountains  of  Vermont, 

Upon  a  railroad  train. 

Dog  Hollow,  in  the  Green  Mount  State, 

"Was  his  first  stopping-place, 
And  then  Skunk's  Misery  displayed 

Its  sweetness  and  its  grace. 

By  easy  stages  then  ho  went 

To  visit  Devil's  Den ; 
And  Scrabble  Hollow,  by  the  way, 

Did  come  within  his  ken. 

Then,  via  Nino  Holes  and  Goose  Green, 

He  traveled  through  the  State, 
And  to  Virginia,  finally, 

"Was  guided  by  his  fate.- 

"Within  the  Old  Dominion's  bounds, 

He  wandered  up  and  down, 
To-day,  at  Buzzard  Roost  ensconced, 

To-morrow,  at  Hell  Town. 

At  Pole  Cat,  too,  ho  spent  a  week, 

Till  friends  from  Bull  Ring  came, 
And  made  him  spend  a  day  with  them 

In  hunting   forest  game. 

Then,  with  his  carpet-bag  in  hand, 

To  Dog  Town  next  he  went ; 
Though  stopping  at  Free  Negro  Town, 

Where  half  a  day  he  spent. 


28  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

From  thence,  into  Negationburg 

His  route  of  travel  lay, 
Which  haying  gained,  he  left  the  State 

And  took  a  southward  way. 

North  Carolina's  friendly  soil 

He  trod  at  fall  of  night, 
And,  on  a  bed  of  softest  down, 

He  slept  at  Hell's  Delight. 

Mom  found  him  on  the  road  again, 

To  Lousy  Level  bound; 
At  Bull's  Tail,  and  Lick  Lizzard,  too, 

Good  provender  he  found. 

The  country  all  about  Pinch  Gut 

So  beautiful  did  seem, 
That  the  beholder  thought  it  like 

A  picture  in  a  dream. 

But  the  plantations  near  Burnt  Coat 

"Were  even  finer  still, 
And  made  the  wond'ring  tourist  feel 

A  soft,  delicious  thrill. 

At  Tear  Shirt  too,  the  scenery 
Most  charming  did  appear, 

With  Snatch  It  in  the  distance  far, 
And  Purgatory  near. 

But  spite  of  all  these  pleasant  scenes, 
The  tourist  stoutly  swore, 

That  home  is  brightest,  after  all, 
And  travel  is  a  bore. 

So  back  he  went  to  Maine,  straightway, 

A  little  wife  he  took ; 
And  now  is  making  nutmegs  at 

Moosehicmagunticook. 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  29 

In  his  note,  introductory  of  this  poem,  my  boy,  the 
editor  of  the  Lily  affirmed  (which  is  strictly  true) 
that  I  had  named  none  but  veritable  localities  ;  and 
ventured  the  belief  that  the  composition  would  re 
mind  his  readers  of  Goldsmith.  Upon  which  his 
scorpion  contemporary  in  the  next  village  observed, 
that  there  was  rather  more  smith  than  gold  about  the 
poem.  Genius,  my  boy,  is  never  appreciated  until 
its  possessor  is  dead  ;  and  even  the  useless  praise  it 
then  obtains  is  chiefly  due  to  the  pleasure  that  is 
experienced  in  burying  the  poor  wretch. 

Up  to  the  time  when  this  poem  appeared  in  print, 
I  had  succeeded  in  concealing  from  my  father  the 
nature  of  my  incidental  occupation  ;  but  now  he 
must  know  all. 

He  did  know  all,  my  boy  ;  and  the  result  was,  that 
he  gave  me  ten  dollars,  and  sent  me  to  New  York  to 
look  out  for  myself. 

"  It's  the  only  thing  that  will  save  him,"  says  he 
to  my  mother,  "  and  I  must  either  send  him  off,  or 
expect  to  see  him  sink  by  degrees  to  editorship,  and 
commence  to  wear  disgraceful  clothes." 

I  went  to  New  York ;  I  became  private  secretary 
and  speech-scribe  to  an  unscrupulous  and,  therefore, 
rising  politician  ;  and  now — I  am  in  Washington. 

Thus,  my  boy,  have  I  answered  your  desire  for  an 
outline  of  my  personal  history  ;  and  henceforth  let 

me  devote  my  attention  to  other  and  more  important 

3* 


30          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

inhabitants  of  our  distracted  country.  I  had  a  cer 
tain  postmastership  in  my  eye  when  I  first  came 
hither  ;  "but  war's  alarms  indicate  that  I  may  do 
better  as  an  amateur  hero. 

Yours  inconoclastically, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    IV. 

DESCRIBING    THE   SOUTH   IN    TWELVE    LINES,    DEFINING    THE    CITIZEN'S 
FIRST   DUTY,    AND    RECITING   A   PARODY. 

WASHINGTON.  D.  C.,  April  — ,  1SG1. 

THE  chivalrous  South,  my  boy,  has  taken  Fort 
Sumter,  and  only  wants  to  be  "  let  alone."  Some 
things  of  a  Southern  sort  I  like,  my  boy  ;  Southdown 
mutton  is  fit  for  the  gods,  and  Southside  particular 
is  liquid  sunshine  for  the  heart ;  but  the  whole  coun 
try  was  growing  tired  of  new  South  wails  before  this, 
and  my  present  comprehensive  estimate  of  all  there 
is  of  Dixie  may  be  summed  up  in  twelve  straight 
lines,  under  the  general  heading  of 

REPUDIATION. 

'Neath  a  ragged  palmetto  a  Southerner  sat, 
A-twisting  the  band  of  his  Panama  hat, 
And  trying  to  lighten  his  mind  of  a  load 
By  humming  the  words  of  the  following  ode : 
"  Oh!  for  a. nigger,  and  oh  !  for  a  whip; 

Oh !  for  a  cocktail,  and  oh !  for  a  nip ; 

Oh!  for  a  shot  at  old  Greeley  and  Beecher; 

Oh !  for  a  crack  at  a  Yankee  school-teacher ; 

Oh !  for  a  captain,  and  oh !  for  a  ship ; 

Oh !  for  a  cargo  of  niggers  each  trip." 
And  so  he  kept  oh-ing  for  all  he  had  not, 
Not  contented  with  owing  for  all  that  he'd  got. 


32  ORPHEUS    C.    KERU    PAPERS. 

In  view  of  the  impending  conflict,  it  is  the  duty  of 
every  American  citizen,  who  has  nothing  else  to  do, 
to  take  up  his  abode  in  the  capital  of  this  agonized 
Republic,  and  give  the  Cabinet  the  sanction  of  his 
presence.  Some  base  child  of  treason  may  intimate 
that  Washington  is  not  quite  large  enough  to  hold 
every  American  citizen  ;  but  I'm  satisfied  that,  if  all 
the  democrats  could  have  one  good  washing,  they 
would  shrink  so  that  you  might  put  the  whole  blessed 
party  into  an  ordinary  custom  house.  Some  of  the 
republicans  are  pretty  large  chaps  for  their  size,  but 
Jeff  Davis  thinks  they  can  be  "  taken  in"  easily 
enough  •  and  I  know  that  the  new  tariff  will  be 
enough  to  make  them  contract  like  sponges  out  of 
water.  The  city  is  full  of  Western  chaps,  at  pres 
ent,  who  look  as  if  they  had  just  walked  out  of  a 
charity-hospital,  and  had  not  got  beyond  gruel  diet 
yet.  Every  soul  of  them  knew  old  Abe  when  he  was 
a  child,  and  one  old  boy  can  even  remember  going 
for  a  doctor  when  his  mother  was  born.  I  met  one 
of  them  the  other  day  (he  is  after  the  Moosehicma- 
gunticook  post-office),  and  his  anecdotes  of  the  Presi 
dent's  boyhood  brought  tears  to  my  eyes,  and  several 
tumblers  to  my  lips.  He  says,  that  when  Abe  was 
an  infant  of  sixteen,  he  split  so  many  rails  that  his 
whole  county  looked  like  a  wholesale  lumber-yard 
for  a  week  ;  and  that  when  he  took  to  flat-boating, 
he  was  so  tall  and  straight,  that  a  fellow  once  took 


ORPHEUS  C.  KEUR  PAPERS.  33 

him  for  a  smoke-stack  on  a  steamboat,  and  didn't 
find  out  his  mistake  until  he  tried  to  kindle  a  lire 
under  him.  Once,  while  Abe  was  practising  as  a 
lawyer,  he  defended  a  man  for  stealing  a  horse,  and 
was  so  eloquent  in  proving  that  his  client  was  an 
honest  victim  of  false  suspicion,  that  the  deeply- 
affected  victim  made  him  a  present  of  the  horse  as 
soon  as  he  was  acquitted.  I  tell  you  what,  my  boy, 
if  Abe  pays  a  post-office  for  every  story  of  his  child 
hood  that's  told,  the  mail  department  of  this  glorious 
nation  will  be  so  large  that  a  letter  smaller  than  a 
two-story  house  would  get  lost  in  it.  * 


Of  all  the  vile  and  damning  deeds  that  ever  ren 
dered  a  city  eternally  infamous,  my  boy — of  all  the 
infernal  sins  of  dark-browed  treachery  that  ever  made 
open-faced  treason  seem  holy,  the  crime  of  Baltimore 
is  the  blackest  and  worst.  All  that  April  day  we 
were  waiting  with  bated  breath  and  beating  hearts 
for  the  devoted  men  who  had  pledged  their  lives  to 
their  country  at  the  first  call  of  the  President,  and 
were  known  to  be  marching  to  the  defence  of  the 
nation's  capital.  That  night  was  one  of  terror  :  at 
any  moment  the  hosts  of  the  rebels  might  pour  upon 
the  city  from  the  mountains  of  guilty  Virginia,  and 
grasp  the  very  throat  of  the  Republic.  And  with 


34  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

the  first  dim  light  of  morning  came  the  news  that 
our  soldiers  bad  been  basely  beset  in  the  streets  of 
Baltimore,  and  ruthlessly  shot  down  by  a  treacherous 
mob  !  Those  whom  they  had  trusted  as  brothers, 
my  boy — whose  country  they  were  marching  to  de 
fend  with  their  lives — assassinating  them  in  cold 
blood  ! 

I  was  sitting  in  my  room  at  Willard's,  when  a 
serious  chap  from  New  Haven,  who  had  just  paused 
long  enough  at  the  door  to  send  a  waiter  for  the 
same  that  he  had  yesterday,  came  rushing  into  the 
apartment  with  a  long,  fluttering  paper  in  his 
hand. 

"  Listen  to  this/'  says  he,  in  wild  agitation,  and 
read  : 

BALTIMORE. 

Midnight  shadows,  dark,  appalling,  round  the  Capitol  were  falling, 
And  its  dome  and  pillars  glimmered  spectral  from  Potomac's  shore ; 
All  the  great  had  gone  to  slumber,  and  of  all  the  busy  number 
That  had  moved  the  State  by  day  within  its  walls,  as  erst  before, 
None  there  were  but  dreamed  of  heroes  thither  sent  ere  day  was  o'er: — 
Thither  sent  through  BALTIMORE. 

But  within  a  chamber  solemn,  barred  aloft  with  many  a  column, 
And  with  windows  tow'rd  Mount  Yernon,  windows  tow'rd  Potomac's 

shore, 

Sat  a  figure,  stern  and  awful ;  Chief,  but  not  the  Chieftain  lawful 
Of   the    land    whose    grateful    millions   "Washington's    great    name 

adore — 

Sat  the  form — a  shade  majestic  of  a  Chieftain  gone  before, 
Thine  to  honor,  Baltimore ! 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.          35 

There  he  sat  in  silence,  gazing,  by  a  single  planet's  blazing, 
At  a  map  outspread  before  him  wide  upon  the  marble  floor ; 
And  if  'twere  for  mortal  proving  that  those  reverend  lips  were  moving, 
While  the  eyes  were  closely  scanning  one  mapped  city  o'er  and  o'er — 
"While  ho  saw  but  one  great  city  on  that  map  upon  the  floor — 
They  were  whispering — "  BALTIMORE." 

Thus  ho  sat,  nor  word  did  utter,  till  there  came  a  sudden  flutter, 
And  the  sound  of  beating  wings  was  heard  upon  the  carved  door. 
In  a  trico  the  bolts  were  broken ;  by  those  lips  no  word  was  spokeu, 
As  an  Eagle,  torn  and  bloody,  dim  of  eye,  and  wounded  sore, 
Fluttered  down  upon  the  map,  and  trailed  a  wing  all  wet  with  goro 
O'er  the  name  of  BALTIMORE  1 

Then  that  noble  form  uprising,  with  a  gesture  of  surprising, 
Bent  with  look  of  keenest  sorrow  tow'rd  tho  bird  that  drooped  bo- 
fore; 

"  Emblem  of  my  country !"  said  he,  "are -thy  pinions  stained  already 
In  a  tide  whose  blending  waters  never  ran  so  red  before  ? 
Is  it  with  the  blood  of  kinsmen  ?     Tell  me  quickly,  I  implore !" 
Croaked  the  eagle — "  BALTIMORE  !" 

"  Eagle,"  said  the  Shade,  advancing,  |:  tell  mo  by  what  dread  mis- 
chancing 

Thou,  tho  symbol  of  my  people,  bear'st  thy  plumes  erect  no  more  ? 

Why  dost  thou  desert  mine  army,  sent  against  the  foes  that  harm  mo, 

Through  my  country,  with  a  Treason  worlds  to  come  shall  e'er  de 
plore?" 

And  the  Eagle  on  the  map,  with  bleeding  wing,  as  just  before, 
Blurred  the  name  of  BALTIMORE  ! 

"  Can  it  bo  ?"  tho  spectre  muttered.     "  Can  it  be  ?"  those  palo  lips  ut 
tered  ; 

"Is  the  blood  Columbia  treasures  spilt  upon  its  native  shore? 

Is  there  iu  tho  land  so  cherished,  land  for  whom  the  great  havo  per 
ished, 

Men  to  shed  a  brother's  blood  as  tyrant's  blood  was  shed  before  ? 

Where  are  they  who  murder  Peace  before  the  breaking  out  of  war  ?" 
Croaked  the  Eagle—"  BALTIMORE." 


36  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

At  the  word,  of  sound  so  mournful,  came  a  frown,  half  sad,  half  scornful, 
O'er  the  grand,  majestic  face  where  frown  had  never  been  before ; 
And  the  hands  to  Heaven  uplifted,  with  an  awful  pow'r  seemed  gifted 
To  plant  curses  on  a  head,  and  hold  them  there  forevermore — 
To  rain  curses  on  a  land,  aad  bid  them  grow  forevermore — 
Woo  art  thou,  0  BALTIMORE  ! 

Then  the  sacred  spirit,  fading,  left  upon  the  floor  a  shading, 
As  of  one  with  arms  uplifted,  from  a  distance  bending  o'er ; 
And  the  vail  of  night  grew  thicker,  and  the  death-watch  beat  the 

quicker 

For  a  death  within  a  death,  and  sadder  than  the  death  before ! 
And  a  whispering  of  woe  was  heard  upon  Potomac's  shore — 
Hear  it  not,  0  BALTIMORE  ! 

And  the  Eagle,  never  dying,  still  is  trying,  still  is  trying, 
With  its  wings  upon  the  map  to  hide  a  city  with  its  gore ; 
But  the  name  is  there  forever,  and  it  shall  be  hidden  never, 
While  the  awful  brand  of  murder  points  the  Avenger  to  its  shore; 
While  the  blood  of  peaceful  brothers  God's  dread  vengeance  doth  im 
plore, 

Thou  art  doomed,  0  BALTIMORE  ! 

"  There  !"  says  the  serious  New  Haven  chap,  as  he 
finished  reading,  stirring  something  softly  with  a 
spoon,  "  what  do  you  suppose  Poe  would  think,  if  he 
were  alive  now  and  could  read  that  ?" 

"  I  think,"  says  I,  striving  to  appear  calm,  "  that 
he  would  be  e  Raven '  mad  about  it." 

"  Oh — ah — yes,"  says  the  serious  chap,  vaguely, 
"  what  will  you  take  ?" 

Doubtless  I  shall  become  hardened  to  the  horrors 
of  war  in  time,  my  boy  ;  but  at  present  these  things 
unhinge  me.  Yours,  unforgivingly, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERB. 


LETTER   V. 

CONCERNING  THE  GREAT  CROWD  AT  THE  CAPITAL,  OWING  TO  THE  VAST 
INFLUX  OF  TROOPS,  AND  TOUCHING  UPON  FIRE-ZOUAVE  PECULIARI 
TIES  AND  OTHER  MATTERS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  May  24th,  1861. 

I  AM  living  luxuriously,  at  present,  on  the  top  of 
a  very  respectable  fence,  and  fare  sumptuously  on 
three  granite  biscuit  a  day,  and  a  glass  of  water, 
weakened  with  brandy.  A  high  private  in  the 
Twenty-second  Kegiment  has  promised  to  let  me 
have  one  of  his  spare  pocket-handkerchiefs  for  a 
sheet  on  the  first  rainy  night,  and  I  never  go  to  bed 
on  my  comfortable  window-brush  without  thinking 
how  many  poor  creatures  there  are  in  this  world  who 
have  to  sleep  on  hair  mattresses  and  feather-beds  all 
their  lives.  Before  the  -great  rush  of  the  Fire  Zouaves 
and  the  rest  of  the  menagerie  commenced.  I  boarded 
exclusively  on  a  front  stoop  on  Pennsylvania  Avenue, 
and  used  to  slumber,  regardless  of  expense,  in  a  well- 
conducted  ash-box  ;  but  the  military  monopolize  all 
such  accommodation  now,  and  I  give  way  for  the  sake 
of  my  country. 

I  tell  you,  my  boy,  we're  having  high  old  times 

4 


38  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

here  just  now,  and  if  they  get  any  higher,  I  shan't  be 
able  to  afford  to  stay.  The  city  is  in  " danger"  every 
other  hour,  and  as  a  veteran  in  the  Fire  Zouaves  re 
marked,  there  seems  to  be  enough  danger  laying 
around  loose  on  Arlington  Heights  to  make  a  very 
good  blood-and-thunder  fiction  in  numerous  pages. 
If  the  vigilant  and  well-educated  sentinels  happen  to 
see  an  old  nigger  on  the  other  side  of  the  Potomac, 
they  sing  out,  "Here  they  come!"  and  the  whole 
blessed  army  is  snapping  caps  in  less  than  a  minute. 
Then  all  the  cheap  reporters  telegraph  to  their  papers 
in  New  York  and  Philadelphia,  that  "  Jeff.  Davis  is 
within  two  minutes'  walk  of  the  Capital,  with  a  few 
millions  of  men/'  and  all  the  free  states  send  six 
more  regiments  a  piece  to  crowd  us  a  little  more.  I 
sha'n't  stand  much  more  crowding,  for  my  fence  is 
full  now,  and  there  were  six  applications  yesterday 
to  rent  an  improved  knot-hole.  .My  landlord  says 
that,  if  more  than  three  chaps  set  up  housekeeping 
on  one  post,  he'll  be  obliged  to  raise  the  rent. 

Those  Fire  Zouaves  are  fellows  of  awful  suction,  I 
tell  you.  Just  for  greens,  I  asked  one  of  them,  yes 
terday,  what  he  came  here  for?  "Hah  !"  says  he, 
shutting  one  eye,  "  we  came  here  to  strike  for  your 
altars  and  your  fires — especially  your  fires."  General 
Scott  says  that  if  he  wanted  to  make  these  chaps 
break  through  the  army  of  a  foe,  he'd  have  a  fire-bell 
rung  for  some  district  on  the  other  side  of  the  rebels. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  39 

He  says  that  half  a  million  of  the  traitors  couldn't 
keep  the  Fire  Zouaves  out  of  that  district  five  min 
utes.  I  helieve  him,  my  boy  ! 

The  weather  here  is  highly  favorable  to  the  free 
development  of  perspiration  and  mint-juleps,  and  I 
have  enjoyed  the  melancholy  satisfaction  of  losing  ten 
pounds  of  flesh  in  three  days.  One  of  the  lieutenants 
of  the  Eighth  has  a  gutter  about  half  an  inch  deep 
worn  down  the  bridge  of  his  nose  by  the  stream  of 
perspiration  since  Wednesday  ;  and  a  chap  from  Ver 
mont  melted  so  awfully  the  other  day,  that  they  had 
to  put  him  in  a  refrigerator  to  keep  enough  of  him  to 
send  home  to  his  rich  but  pious  family. 

In  fact,  this  weather  makes  the  Northern  boys  fall 
away  awfully  ;  one  of  the  Fire  Zouaves  fell  away  tre 
mendously  yesterday  ;  he  fell  away  from  Washington 
to  Annapolis,  and  then  somebody  had  to  put  him  in 
a  guard-house  to  keep  him  from  perspiring  all  the 
way  back  to  New  York.  The  chap  that  boards  on 
the  next  front  stoop  to  me  now,  was  so  fat  when  he 
came  here  that  his  captain  refused  to  use  him  as  a 
sentinel,  because  he  could  not  see  far  enough  over  his 
stomach  to  detect  any  one  approaching  him.  Well, 
my  boy,  that  chap  has  fallen  away  to  such  an  ex 
tent  that  it  took  me  half  an  hour  last  night  to  find 
out  what  part  of  his  uniform  he  lived  in.  He  blew 
down  three  or  four  times  while  we  were  walking  up 
Pennsylvania  avenue  ;  and  while  I  was  helping  him 


40  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPEKS. 

up  the  last  time,  a  passer-by  asked  me  "What  I 
would  take  for  that  ere  flag-staff  ?" 

By-the-by,  you  ought  to  have  heard  Honest  Old 
Abe's  speech,  on  Wednesday,  when  we  raised  the 
Star-spangled  particular  on  the  Post-office.  Says  he  : 
"  On  this  present  occasion,  I  feel  that  it  will  not  be 
out  of  place  to  make  a  few  remarks  which  were  not 
applicable  at  a  former  period.  Yesterday,  the  flag 
hung  on  the  staff  throughout  the  Union,  and  in  con 
sequence  of  the  scarcity  of  a  breeze,  there  was  not 
much  wind  blowing  at  the  time.  On  the  present 
happy  occasion,  however,  the  presence  of  numerous 
zephyrs  causes  the  atmosphere  to  agitate  for  our 
glorious  Union,  and  this  flag,  which  now  unfolds 
itself  to  the  sight,  is  observed,  upon  closer  inspection, 
to  present  a  star-spangled  appearance." 

Mr.  Reward's  speech,  which  was  also  received  with 
frantic  enthusiasm,  sounded  equally  well.  He  said  : 
"  I  trust  that  this  glorious  spectacle  will  make  a  deep 
impression  upon  all  present,  notwithstanding  the  fact 
that  I  am  still  convinced  that  peace  may  yet  put  an 
end  to  this  unhappy  conflict  by  means  of  a  convention 
of  all  the  States  on  the  Fourth  of  July,  2776,  which 
I  have  always  advocated.  As  the  President  has  re 
marked,  the  breeze  which  has  just  arisen  in  the  bay 
of  Naples,  causes  the  Star-Spangled  Banner  to  arouse 
a  far  prouder  feeling  in  every  American  breast,  than 
if  a  vessel  should  come  in  with  a  palmetto  flag  at  her 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  41 

peak,  and  upon  being  asked  where  it  came  from, 
should  reply  :  '  Oh,  from  one  of  the  petty  republics 
of  America/  I  have  nothing  more  to  say." 

I  know  this  report  is  correct,  for  I  copied  both  the 
speeches  from  a  phonographic  reporter's  copy,  and 
the  phonographic  reporter  had  only  taken  six  glasses 
of  old  peach  and  honey  before  he  went  to  work. 

Yours,  hastily, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   VI. 

INTRODUCING  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE,  DILATING  ON  HAVELOCKS  AS 
FIRST  MADE  BY  THE  WOMEN  OF  AMERICA,  ILLUSTRATING  THE 
STRENGTH  OF  HABIT  AND  WEAKNESS  OF  "SHODDY,"  AND  SHOWING 
HOW  OUR  CORRESPONDENT  INDULGED  IN  A  HUGE  CANARD,  AFTER 
THE  MANNER  OF  AN  ENLIGHTENED  DAILY  PRESS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  June  15th,  1861. 

THE  members  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade.,  now  sta 
tioned  on  Arlington  Heights  to  watch  the  movements 
of  the  Potomac,  which  is  expected  to  rise  shortly, 
desire  me  to  thank  the  women  of  America  for  supplies 
of  Havelocks  and  other  delicacies  of  the  season  just 
received.  The  Havelocks,  my  boy,  are  rather  roomy, 
and  we  took  them  for  shirts  at  first ;  and  the  shirts 
are  so  narrow-minded,  that  we  took  them  for  Have- 
locks.  If  the  women  of  America  could  manage  to  get 
a  little  less  linen  in  the  collars  of  the  latter  article, 
and  a  little  more  into  the  other  departments  of  the 
graceful  garment,  there  would  be  fewer  colds  in  this 
division  of  the  Grand  Army. 

The  Havelocks,  as  I  have  said  before,  are  roomy — 
very  roomy,  my  boy.  Villiam  Brown,  of  Company 
3,  Regiment  5,  put  one  on  last  night,  when  he  went 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  43 

on  sentry-duty,  and  looked  like  a  broomstick  in  a 
pillow-case,  for  all  the  world.  When  the  officer  of 
the  night  came  round  and  caught  sight  of  Villiam  in 
his  Havelock,  he  was  struck  dumb  with  admiration 
for  a  moment.  Then  he  ejaculated  : 

"  What  a  splendid  moonbeam  1" 

Villiam  made  a  movement,  and  the  sergeant 
came  up. 

"  What's  that  white  object  ?"  says  the  officer  to 
the  sergeant. 

"  The  young  man  which  is  Villiam  Brown,"  says 
the  sergeant. 

"  Thunder  !"  roars  the  officer,  "  tell  him  to  go  to 
his  tent,  and  take  off  that  night-gown  !" 

"  You're  mistaken,"  says  the  sergeant.  "  The 
sentry  is  Villiam  Brown,  in  his  Havelock,  which  was 
made  by  the  wimmen  of  America." 

The  officer  was  so  justly  exasperated  at  his  mis 
take,  that  he  went  immediately  to  his  head-quarters, 
and  took  the  Oath  three  times  running,  with  a  little 
sugar. 

The  Oath  is  very  popular,  my  boy,  and  comes  in 
bottles.  I  take  it  medicinally  myself. 

The  shirts  made  by  the  women  of  America  are  noble 
.articles,  as  far  down  as  the  collar  ;  but  would  not  do 
to  use  as  an  only  garment.  Captain  Mortimer  de 
Montague,  one  of  the  skirmish  squad,  put  one  on 
when  he  went  to  the  President's  Reception,  and  the 


44  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

collar  stood  up  so  high,  that  he  couldn't  put  his  cap 
on;  while  the  other  departments  didn't  quite  reach  to 
his  waist.  His  appearance  at  the  White  House  was 
picturesque  and  interesting,  and  as  he  entered  the 
drawing-room,  General  Scott  remarked,  very  feel 
ingly  : 

"  Ah  !  here  comes  one  of  our  wounded  heroes." 

"  He's  not  wounded,  general,"  remarked  an  officer, 
standing  by. 

"  Then,  why  is  his  head  bandaged  up  so  ?"  asked 
the  venerable  veteran. 

"  Oh  !"  says  the  officer,  "  that's  only  one  of  the 
shirts  made  by  the  patriotic  wimmen  of  America." 

In  about  five  minutes  after  this  conversation,  I 
saw  the  venerable  veteran,  the  wounded  hero,  and  the 
officer  taking  the  Oath  together. 

The  Seventy-ninth,  Highlanders,  came  to  town 
early  last  week,  and  are  the  finest  body  of  Scotchmen 
that  were  ever  half  kilt  by  uniform  alone.  My  heart 
warmed  to  them  when  I  first  saw  them  ;  and,  with 
arms  outspread,  I  greeted  the  gallant  fellow  nearest 
to  me  With  a  tear  of  gratified  pride  in  his  eye,  he 
exclaimed  : 

"  Auld  lang  syne  and  Scots  who  ha'e  ;  but  gang 
awa'  wi'  Heeland  laddie  thegither  o'  John  Anderson 
my  Jo  ;  and,  moreover,  we'll  tak'  a  right  gude  willie 
wacht  for  muckle  twa  and  braw  chiel." 

I  told  him  I  thought  so  myself. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  45 

I'm  sorry  to  say,  my  boy,  that  some  members  of 
this  splendid  regiment  are  badly  off  for  trowsers,  and 
shock  my  modesty  tremendously.  They  probably 
forgot  them  in  their  hurry  to  get  to  the  war,  and  the 
Union  Pretence  Committee  ought  to  send  them  out 
an  assortment  of  peg-tops  at  once.  "  Not  that  I  hob- 
ject  to  the  hinnocent  hamusements  of  the  Highland 
ers,  but  that  decency  and  propriety  must  be  preserved 
within  the  limits  of  the  army" — as  the  British  show 
man  observed. 

I  took  a  trip  down  to  Alexandria  the  other  night, 
to  see  how  the  Fire  Zouaves  were  getting  along,  and 
came  pretty  near  getting  into  trouble  with  one  of 
Five's  screamers.  He  was  on  guard  ;  and  when  he 
challenged  me,  the  pass-word  slipped  my  memory. 

"  Drop  that  ere  butt,"  says  he,  bringing  his  mus 
ket  to  a  charge,  "  or  I'll  give  yer  a  taste  of  the  old 
masheen.  Who- wha- what  are  yer  coughin'  at — 
sa-a-ay  ?" 

I  was  frightened,  my  boy,  and  had  just  commenced 
the  appropriate  prayer  of  "  Now  I  lay  me  down  to 
sleep,"  when  suddenly  an  idea  struck  me,  and  I  acted 
on  it  immediately. 

"Hello!"  says  I,  "  Johnny,  didn't  you  hear  the 
old  Hall  kettle  strike  for  the  Fourth  District  ? 
Come  along  .with  me  and  help  to  get  the  old  dog 
cart  on  a  jump,  or  Nine's  roosters  will  get  the  rail 
road  track  and  have  the  old  butt  in  Christie  street 


46  ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

before  we  can  swing  the  old  inasheen  over  a  pig's 
whisker/' 

"  Bully  for  you  !"  says  he,  dropping  his  musket, 
all  in  a  quiver,  and  commencing  to  roll  up  his  panta 
loons.  "  I've  got  a  bet  on  that  ere  fire  ;  and  ef  I 
don't  take  the  starch  out  of  that  ere  Nine's  feller 
what  wears  good  clothes  and  don't  do  nothing — you 
may  just  take  my  boots." 

It  was  all  the  force  of  habit,  you  see  ;  and  if  I 
hadn't  stopped  that  Zouave,  I  really  believe  he'd 
have  run  clean  into  the  bosom  of  all  the  first 
families,  looking  for  the  Fourth  District  and  Nine's 
feller  ! 

The  Mackerel  brigade  have  got  their  new  uniforms, 
and  they  are  not  the  martial  garments  it  would  do  to 
get  fat  in.  High  private  Samivel  Green  put  his  on, 
partially,  yesterday  ;  but,  it's  a  positive  fact,  my 
boy,  that  by  the  time  he  got  his  coat  buttoned,  his 
pantaloons  were  all  worn  out.  I  managed  to  get  on 
one  of  the  uniforms  myself,  and  the  first  time  I  went 
into  the  open  air  all  the  buttons  blew  off. 


I've  just  returned  from  visiting  the  most  mournful 
sight  that  ever  made  a  man  feel  as  though  he'd  been 
peeling  onions  all  the  week,  and  grating  horse-radish 
on  Sunday.  It  was  the  first  dying  scene  of  one  of 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  47 

the  "  Pet  Laminers,"  down  at  Alexandria,  and,  as 
one  of  Five's  chaps  remarks,  it  was  enough  to  make 
the  eye  of  a  darning-needle  weep,  and  bring  tears  to 
the  cheek  of  the  Greek  slave.  Jim  was  the  only 
name  of  the  sufferer,  and  if  he  ever  had  any  other,  it 
had  slipped  his  memory,  though  his  affectionate  rel 
atives  sometimes  called  him  "Shorty,"  by  way  of 
endearment.  He  was  out  on  picket-guard  the  night 
before,  when  the  Southern  Confederacy  attempted  to 
pass  him.  He  challenged  the  intruder,  and  called  to 
his  comrades  for  help  ;  but,  before  the  latter  could 
arrive,  the  Southern  Confederacy  drew  a  masked  bat 
tery  from  his  pocket,  and  fired  six  heavy  balls 
through  the  head  of  the  unfortunate  Zouave,  nearly 
fracturing  his  skull,  and  breaking  several  panes  of 
glass.  The  cowardly  miscreant  then  fled  to  an  adja 
cent  fence,  closely  followed  by  Sherman's  Artillery. 

Upon  discovering  that  he  was  wounded,  Mr. 
Shorty  examined  the  cap  on  his  musket,  and  stood  it 
carefully  against  a  tree,  buttoned  his  jacket  to  his 
neck,  and  asked  a  comrade  for  a  chew  of  tobacco. 
Too  full  of  emotion  to  speak,  the  ^comrade  handed  a 
gentlemanly  plug  to  the  dying  man,  who  cut  about 
half  an  ounce  from  it,  placed  it  thoughtfully  in  his 
mouth,  and  then  stuffed  his  handkerchief  carefully  in 
the  hole  in  his  forehead  made  by  the  balls. 

"  Is  any  of  my  brains  hanging  out  ?"  he  asked  of 
another  of  his  comrades. 


48  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

"  No,  Shorty/'  answered  the  other,  bursting  into 
.tears  ;  "  you  never  had  any  to  hang  out/' 

After  this  response,  the  dying  man  paused  for  a 
moment  to  spit  in  the  eyes  of  a  dog  that  was  smelling 
around  his  heels,  and  then  proceeded  with  his  com 
rades  in  the  direction  of  the  hospital,  or  the  house 
used  for  that  purpose. 

As  they  were  passing  the  quarters  of  the  officer 
with  whom  I  was  spending  the  night,  the  expiring 
Zouave  stopped  to  twist  the  tail  of  an  old  darkey's 
cat,  which  made  such  a  noise  that  the  officer's  atten 
tion  was  attracted,  and  he  called  the  whole  party 
into  his  room.  I  at  once  noticed  that  the  top  of  Mr. 
Shorty's  head  was  completely  gone-,  and  that  one  of 
his  eyes  was  half-way  down  the  back  of  his  neck. 
Upon  entering  the  room  he  took  a  pipe  from  the 
mantel  and  commenced  to  smoke  it,  giving  us7  at  the 
same  time,  a  history  of  Nine's  Engine  and  the  first 
"  muss  "  he  was  ever  engaged  in.  After  finishing  the 
pipe,  and  requesting  me  to  wrap  him  up  in  the  Amer 
ican  flag,  he  spit  on  one  of  my  boots,  and  then  died. 
I  append  a  short  biographical  sketch. 

THE    LATE    PRIVATE    SHORTY. 

Mr.  James  Shorty,  the  gallant  Zouave  who  was 
shot  last  night  by  the  Southern  Confederacy,  was 
born  some  years  ago  in  a  place  I  am  not  aware  of, 
and  graduated  with  high  honors  in  the  New  York 


OKPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  49 

Fire  Department.  He  was  universally  beloved  for 
his  genial  manner  of  taking  the  butt,  and  never  hit 
a  feller  bigger  than  himself.  In  the  year  1861,  he 
entered  the  United  States  army  as  a  private  Zouave, 
and  was  in  it  when  the  fate  of  war  deprived  the 
country  of  his  beloved  presence.  His  remains  will 
be  taken  to  the  first  fire  that  occurs. 

Poor  Shorty  !  I  knew  him  well,  my  boy,  and  shall 
never  forget  how  ready  he  always  was  to  take  a  cigar 

from 

Yours,  mournfully, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 

P.  S. — Since  writing  the  above,  I  have  heard  that 
no  such  occurrence  took  place  at  Alexandria.  The 
alarm  was  occasioned  by  the  fall  of  a  bag  of  hay  in 
one  of  the  officers'  quarters,  the  noise  being  mistaken 
for  the  firing  of  a  battery.  Mr.  Shorty,  it  seems, 
does  not  belong  to  the  Zouaves,  at  all,  and  is  still  in 
New  York. 

0.  C.  K. 
3 


LETTER    VII. 

RECORDING   THE   FIRST   SANGUINARY    EXPLOIT    OF   THE   MACKEREL 
BRIGADE,  AND   ITS   VICTORIOUS   ISSUE. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  Juno  20th,  1861. 

I  HAVE  just  returned,  my  "boy,  with  my  fellow- 
mercenaries  and  several  mudsills  from  a  carnival  of 
gore.  I  am  wounded — my  sensibilities  are  wounded, 
and  my  irrepressibles  reek  with  the  blood  of  the  slain. 
These  hands,  that  once  opened  the  oysters  of  peace 
and  toyed  with  the  bivalves  of  tranquillity,  are  now 
sanguinary  with  the  red  juice  of  battle  (gushing  idea  !), 
and  linger  in  horrid  ecstacy  about  the  gloomy  neck  of 
a  bottle  holding  about  a  quart.  Eagle  of  my  country, 
proud  bird  of  the  menagerie  !  tliou  art  avenged! 

At  a  late  hour  last  evening,  the  Brigadier-General 
of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  (formerly  a  practitioner  in 
the  Asylum  for  Idiots)  received  intelligence  from  a 
messenger  that  a  strong  force  of  chickens  were  in 
trenched  near  Fairfax  Court-House  under  the  com 
mand  of  a  rabid  secessionist  named  Binks.  The 
brigade  was  at  once  ordered  over  the  bridge  at  a 
double-quick,  the  general  throwing  a  strong  force  of 
skirmishers  into  the  Potomac,  and  waving  his  sword 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  51 

repeatedly  to  show  that  he  was  a  stranger  to  fear. 
Shortly  after  touching  Virginia*  soil,  the  orderly 
sergeant  reported  an  engagement,  on  the  left  flank, 
between  private  Yilliam  Brown  and  the  man  that  puts 
his  hair  in  papers.  A  consultation  of  officers  was  im 
mediately  called,  and  the  order  "About  face"  was  given. 
So  excited  was  our  general  by  the  event,  that  when 
the  order  to  march  was  given  he  forgot  all  about  the 
"  About  face  "  business,  and  we  didn't  know  that  we 
were  going  the  wrong  way  until  we  suddenly  found 
ourselves  at  the  bridge  again.  A  consultation  of 
officers  was  immediately  called,  and  it  was  deter 
mined  that,  in  consequence  of  the  well-known  revo 
lution  of  the  world  on  its  axis,  the  part  with  the 
bridge  on  it  had  taken  a  turn  while  we  were  halting, 
and  we  were  ordered  to  counterbalance  the  singular 
phenomena  by  marching  the  other  way  immediately. 
We  had  proceeded  about  one  mile,  when  a  scout  re 
ported  that  a  shower  was  coming  up.  A  consultation 
of  officers  was  immediately  called,  and  it  was  deter 
mined  that  a  squad  should  search  a  neighboring  farm 
house  for  an  umbrella  for  the  Brigadier-General.  The 
umbrella  being  obtained  without  loss  of  life,  we  pushed 
on  toward  Fairfax,  and  soon  found  ourselves  before 
the  works  of  the  enemy.  A  consultation  of  officers 
was  immediately  called,  and  it  was  decided  that  the 
Brigadier-General  should  climb  a  tree,  in  order  to  be 
able  to  direct  the  assault  effectively,  and  prevent  the 


52  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

appearance  of  a  widow  in  his  family  at  home.  The 
first  regiment,  Watch  Guards,  were  ordered  to  recon 
noitre  the  works,  and  private  Villiam  Brown  had 
almost  succeeded  in  surrounding  a  very  fat  pullet, 
when  Colonel  Binks  put  his  head  out  of  the  window 
of  his  fortress,  and  discharged  a  ten-inch  "boot-jack 
at  our  centre. 

The  Man  that  puts  his  hair  in  papers  was  wounded 
severely  on  one  of  his  corns,  and  the  Brigadier-Gen 
eral  slid  hastily  down  from  the  tree,  and  retired  to  the 
rear  of  an  adjacent  barn.  A  consultation  of  officers 
was  immediately  called,  and  it  was  determined  to  form 
our  brigade  into  a  square,  and  receive  the  charge  of 
the  enemy,  who  speedily  appeared  before  the  breast 
works  with  a  pair  of  tongs  in  his  hands.  Reaching 
forward  with  the  horrid  weapon,  he  pulled  the  nose 
of  our  returned  Brigadier-General  with  it.  A  con 
sultation  of  officers  was  immediately  called,  and  it 
was  determined  that  death  was  preferable  to  defeat. 
Accordingly,  the  brigade  was  ordered  to  advance  cau 
tiously  upon  the  enemy,  while  the  orderly  sergeant 
was  sent  to  harass  his  rear,  and  turn  his  flank,  if  pos 
sible.  Our  brigadier-general  attempted  to  lead  the 
charge,  but  made  a  mistake  about  the  direction  again, 
and  had  galloped  half  a  mile  toward  where  we  came 
from  before  he  could  be  convinced  of  his  mistake. 
Seeing  us  descending  upon  him,  at  last,  like  an  ava 
lanche,  the  enemy  deployed  to  the  right,  and  poured 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  53 

in  a  volley  of  "cusses/'  throwing  our  right  column 
into  confusion,  and  wounding  the  delicacy  of  our 
chaplain.  A  consultation  of  officers  was  immediately 
called,  and  it  was  determined  to  make  one  more  dash. 
We  were  formed  into  the  shape  of  a  bunch  of  radishes, 
the  brigadier-general  retired  a  distance  of  two  miles 
to  encourage  us,  and  we  poured  down  upon  the  foe 
with  irresistible  force.  His  ranks  were  broken  by  the 
impetuosity  of  our  charge,  and  he  scattered  and  fled 
in  dismay. 

The  engagement  then  became  general,  and  in  a 
little  while  we  were  on  our  victorious  way  to  Wash 
ington  again,  with  150  rebel  prisoners.  Our  captives 
were  chickens,  in  excellent  condition  for  dressing,  and 
their  appearance  so  delighted  our  brigadier-general — 
whom  we  found  sharpening  his  sword  on  the  bottom 
of  his  boot,  some  miles  away — that  a  consultation  of 
officers  was  immediately  called,  and  it  was  determined 
to  cook  and  eat  them  immediately,  lest  the  President 
should  administer  the  oath  of  allegiance  to  them,  and 
discharge  them  in  the  morning. 

Yours,  victoriously, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    YIII. 

THE    REJECTED    "NATIONAL   IIYMXS." 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  June  80th,  1861. 

IMMEDIATELY  after  mailing  my  last  to  you,  I  se 
cured  a  short  furlough,  and  proceeded  to  New  York, 
to  examine  into  the  affairs  of  that  venerable  Commit 
tee  which  had  offered  a  prize  of  $500  for  the  best 
National  Hymn. 

Upon,  going  into  literary  circles,  my  boy,  no  less 
than  fifty  acknowledged  poets  confidentially  informed 
me,  that  the  idea  of  bribing  the  muse  to  be  solemnly 
patriotic  was  altogether  too  vulgar  to  be  tolerated  for 
a  moment  by  writers  of  reputation  ;  and  a  whole 
swarm  of  poets,  never  acknowledged  by  anybody, 
were  human  enough  to  say  that  $500  was  not  a 
small  sum  in  these  times  ;  but  they  hadn't  "come  to 
that  yet,  you  know." 

One  very  poor  Bohemian,  my  boy  (whose  scathing 
sarcasm  at  the  expense  of  those  degraded  creatures 
who  prefer  wealth  to  intellect,  has  often  delighted 
and  improved  the  public  mind),  was  so  rash  as  to 
intimate  that  the  importunities  of  his  laundress 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERIl   PAPERS.  55 

might  drive  him  to  the  desperate  resource  of  com 
peting  for  the  prize  ;  but  he  was  quickly  made  to 
blush  for  the  unworthy  thought,  by  the  undisguised 
contempt  for  his  "dcm'd  lowness"  displayed  by  a 
decayed  young  gentleman  in  a  dirty  collar  and  very 
new  neck-tie,  who  lives  in  a  two-pair  back  in 
Wooster  street  (fish  balls  and  a  roll  twice  a  day),  and 
writes  graphic  sketches  of  fashionable  life  for  the 
wholesale  market. 

And  yet,  notwithstanding  all  this  high-mindedness, 
my  boy,  there  is  an  immense  amount  of  some  sort  of 
genius  insidiously  pitted  against  the  contemptible 
§500.  Astounding  and  distracting  to  relate,  the 
committee  announces  the  reception  of  no  less  than 
eleven  hundred  and  fifty  "  anthems"  ! 

The  magnitude  of  eleven  hundred  and  fifty  "  an 
thems"  is  almost  more  than  one  human  mind  can 
grasp.  Allowing  that  each  "  anthem"  is  a  quarter 
of  a  yard  long,  we  have  a  grand  total  of  two  hundred 
and  eighty-seven  and  a  half  yards  of  "anthem"  ; 
allowing  that  each  "  anthem"  weighs  half  a  pound 
(intellectually  and  materially),  I  find  a  gross  weight 
of  five  hundred  and  seventy-five  pounds  of  "an 
them"  ! 

Let  the  reflective  mind  consider  these  figures  for  a 
moment,  and  it  will  be  stricken  with  a  sense  of  the 
singular  resemblance  between  Genius  and  other  mar- 

o 

ketable  commodities.     Eleven  hundred  and  fifty  an- 


56  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

thems  are  enough  to  prove  that  Genius  has  its  private 
mercenary  weaknesses  as  well  as  Trade,  my  boy,  and 
that  brains  can  be  bought  by  the  yard  as  well  as  cal 
ico.  Genius  may  carry  with  it  a  seeming  contempt 
for  the  yellow  dross  of  common  humanity  ;  but — it 
has  to  pay  its  occasional  washerwoman. 

And  all  these  "  anthems"  are  rejected  by  the  vener 
able  committee  !  But  must  they  all,  therefore,  be 
lost  to  the  world  ?  I  hope  not,  my  boy, — I  hope 
not.  Having  some  acquaintance  with  the  discrimi 
nating  rag-merchant  to  whom  they  were  turned  over 
as  rejected,  I  have  procured  some  of  the  best,  from 
which  to  quote  for  your  special  edification. 

Imprimis,  my  boy,  observe  this 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM. 

BY    II.  'W.   L ,    OF    CAMBRIDGE. 

Back  in  tho  years  when  Phlagstaff,  the  Dane,  was  monarch 
Over  the  sea- ribbed  land  of  the  fleet-footed  Norsemen, 

Once  there  went  forth  young  Ursa  to  gaze  at  the  heavens — 
Ursa,  tho  noblest  of  all  the  Vikings  and  horsemen. 

Musing,  he  sat  in  his  stirrups  and  viewed  the  horizon, 
Where  the  Aurora  lapt  stars  in  a  North-polar  manner, 

Wildly  he  started — for  there  in  the  heavens  before  him 
Fluttered  and  flew  tho  original  Star-Spangled  Banner. 

The  committee  have  two  objections  to  this  :  in  the 
first  place,  it  is  not  an  "anthem"  at  all ;  secondly, 
it  is  a  gross  plagiarism  from  an  old  Scandinavian  war- 
song  of  the  primeval  ages. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  57 

Next,  I  present  a 

NATIONAL  ANTHEM. 

BY   THE   HON.    EDWABD   E •,    OF   BOSTON. 

Ponderous  projectiles,  hurled  by  heavy  hands, 

Fell  on  our  Liberty's  poor  infant  head, 
Ere  sho  a  stadium  had  well  advanced 

On  the  great  path  that  to  her  greatness  led ; 
Her  temple's  propylon  was  shattered  ; 

Yet,  thanks  to  saving  Grace  and  "Washington, 
Her  incubus  was  from  her  bosom  hurled; 

And,  rising  like  a  cloud-dispelling  sun, 
She  took  the  oil,  with  which  her  hair  was  curled, 
To  grease  tho  "  Hub"  round  which  revolves  the  world. 

This  fine  production  is  rather  heavy  for  an  "  an 
them,"  and  contains  too  much  of  Boston  to  be  con 
sidered  strictly  national.  To  set  such  an  "anthem" 
to  music  would  require  a  Wagner  ;  and  even  were  it 
really  accomodated  to  a  tune,  it  could  only  be  whis 
tled  by  the  populace. 

We  now  come  to  a 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM. 

BY   JOHN    GREEXLEAF    W . 


My  native  land,  thy  Puritanic  stock 
Still  finds  its  roots  firm-bound  in  Plymouth  Rock, 
And  all  thy  sons  unite  in  one  grand  wish — 
To  keep  tho  virtues  of  Preserv-ed  Fish. 

Preserv-ed  Fish,  the  Deacon  stern  and  true, 
Told  our  New  England  what  her  sons  should  do, 
And  should  they  swerve  from  loyalty  and  right, 
Then  the  whole  land  were  lost  indeed  in  night. 


58  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  TAPERS. 

The  sectional  bias  of  this  "  anthem"  renders  it 
unsuitable  for  use  in  that  small  margin  of  the  world 
situated  outside  of  New  England.  Hence  the  above 
must  be  rejected. 

Here  we  have  a  very  curious 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM. 

BY  DR.    OLIVER    WENDELL   H . 

A  diagnosis  of  our  hist'ry  proves 

Our  native  land  a  land  its  native  loves; 

Its  birth  a  deed  obstetric  without  peer, 

Its  growth  a  source  of  wonder  far  and  near. 

To  love  it  more  behold  how  foreign  shores 
Sink  into  nothingness  beside  its  stores ; 
Hyde  Park  at  best — though  counted  ultra-grand — 
The  "  Boston  Common"  of  Victoria's  land — 

The  committee  must  not  be  blamed  for  rejecting 
the  above,  after  reading  thus  far  ;  for  such  an  "  an 
them"  could  only  be  sung  by  a  college  of  surgeons  or 
a  Beacon-street  tea-party. 

Turn  we  now  to  a 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM. 


BY    RALPH    WALDO    E- 


Source  immaterial  of  material  naught, 

Focus  of  light  infinitesimal, 
Sum  of  all  things  by  sleepless  Nature  wrought, 

Of  which  abnormal  man  is  decimal. 

Refract,  in  prism  immortal,  from  thy  stars 
To  the  stars  blent  incipient  on  our  flag, 

The  beam  translucent,  neutrifying  death ; 
And  raise  to  immortality  the  rag. 


ORPHEUS   0.    KERR   PAPERS.  59 

This  "  anthem  "  was  greatly  praised  by  a  celebrated 
German  scholar  ;  but  the  committee  felt  obliged  to 
reject  it  on  account  of  its  too  childish,  simplicity. 

Here  we  have  a 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM 

BY   WILLIAM    CULLEX    B . 

The  suu  sinks  softly  to  his  evening  post, 

The  sun  swells  grandly  to  his  morning  crown  ; 

Yet  not  a  star  our  flag  of  Heav'n  has  lost, 
And  not  a  sunset  stripo  with  him  goes  down. 

So  thrones  may  full ;  and  from  tho  dust  of  those, 
New  thrones  may  rise,  to  totter  like  the  last ; 

But  still  our  country's  nobler  planet  glows 
Whilo  tho  eternal  stars  of  Heaven  are  fast. 

Upon  finding  that  this  did  not  go  well  to  the  air 
of  "  Yankee  Doodle,"  the  committee  felt  justified  in 
declining  it  ;  being  furthermore  prejudiced  against  it 
by  a  suspicion  that  the  poet  has  crowded  an  adver 
tisement  of  a  paper  which  he  edits  into  the  first  line. 

Next  we  quote  from  a 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM 

BY    GEN.    GEORGE   P.   M . 

In  the  days  that  tried  our  fathers 

Many  years  ago, 
Our  fair  land  achieved  her  freedom, 

Blood-bought,  you  know. 
Shall  we  not  defend  her  ever 

As  we'd  defend 
That  fair  maiden,  kind  and  tender, 

Calling  us  friend? 


60  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

Yes!     Let  all  the  echoes  answer, 

From  hill  and  vale; 
Yes!     Let  other  nations,  hearing, 

Joy  in  the  tale. 
Our  Columbia  is  a  lady, 

High-born  and  fair; 
We  have  sworn  allegiance  to  her — 

Touch  her  who  dare. 

The  tone  of  this  "anthem"  not  being  devotional 
enough  to  suit  the  committee,  it  should  be  printed  on 
an  edition  of  linen-cambric  handkerchiefs,  for  ladies 
especially. 

Observe  this 

NATIONAL    ANTHEM 

BY    N.  P.  W— —  . 

One  hue  of  our  flag  is  taken 

From  the  cheeks  of  my  blushing  Pet, 

And  its  stars  beat  time  and  sparkle 
Like  the  studs  on  her  chemisette. 

Its  blue  is  the  ocean  shadow 

That  hides  in  her  dreamy  eyes, 
It  conquers  all  men,  like  her, 

And  still  for  a  Union  flies. 

Several  members  of  the  committee  being  pious,  it 
is  not  strange  that  this  "  an  them"  has  too  much  of 
the  Anacreon  spice  to  suit  them. 

We  next  peruse  a 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM 


BY    THOMAS    BAILEY   A- 


Tho  little  brown  squirrel  hops  in  the  corn, 
Tho  cricket  quaintly  sings ; 


ORPHEUS    C.    KEKll    PAPERS.  61 

The  emerald  pigeon  nods  his  head, 

And  the  shad  in  the  river  springs, 
The  dainty  sunflower  hangs  its  head 

On  the  shore  of  the  summer  sea  ; 
And  better  far  that  I  were  dead, 

If  Maud  did  not  love  me. 

I  love  the  squirrel  that  hops  in  the  com, 

And  the  cricket  that  quaintly  sings; 
And  the  emerald  pigeon  that  nods  his  head, 

And  the  shad  that  gayly  springs. 
I  love  the  dainty  sunflower,  too, 

And  Maud  with  her  snowy  breast; 
I  lovo  them  all ; — but  I  love — I  love — 

I  love  my  country  best. 

This  is  certainly  very  beautiful,  and  sounds  some 
what  like  Tennyson.  Though  it  was  rejected  by  the 
Committee,  it  can  never  lose  its  value  as  a  piece  of 
excellent  reading  for  children.  It  is  calculated  to  fill 
the  youthful  mind  with  patriotism  and  natural  his 
tory,  besides  touching  the  youthful  heart  with  an 
emotion  palpitating  for  all. 

Notice  the  following 

NATIONAL   ANTHEM 

BY    R.  II.  STOD . 

Behold  the  flag  I     Is  it  not  a  flag  ? 

Deny  it,  man,  if  you  dare ; 
And  midway  spread,  'twixt  earth  and  sky, 

It  hangs  like  a  written  prayer. 

"Would  impious  hand  of  foe  disturb 

Its  memories'  holy  spell, 
And  blight  it  with  a  dew  of  blood  ? 

Ha,  tr-r-aitor !  !     *     *    *    THs  well. 


62  ORPHEUS  c.  KERB  PAPERS. 

And  this  is  the  last  of  the  rejected  anthems  I  can 
quote  from  at  present,  my  boy,  though  several  hun 
dred  pounds  yet  remain  untouched. 

Yours,  questioningly, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   .IX. 

IN  WHICH  OUR  CORRESPONDENT  TEMPORARILY  DIGRESSES  FROM  WAR 
MATTERS  TO  ROMANTIC  LITERATURE,  AND  INTRODUCES  A  WOMAN'S 
NOVEL. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  July  — ,  1SG1. 

WHILE  the  Grand  Army  is  making  its  preparations 
for  an  advance  upon  the  Southern  Confederacy,  my 
boy,  and  the  celebrated  fowl  of  our  distracted  coun 
try  is  getting  ready  his  spurs,  let  me  distract  your 
attention  for  a  moment  to  the  subject  of  harrowing 
Romance  as  inflicted  by  the  intellectual  women  of 
America. 

To  soothe  and  instruct  me  in  my  leisure  and  more 
ebrious  moments,  one  of  the  ink-comparable  women 
of  America  has  sent  me  her  new  novel  to  read  ;  and 
before  I  allow  you  to  enjoy  its  green  leaves,  my  boy, 
you  must  permit  me  to  make  a  few  remarks  concern 
ing  the  generality  of  such  works. 

Long  and  patient  study  of  womanly  works  teaches 
me  that  woman's  genius,  as  displayed  in  gushing 
fiction,  is  a  power  of  creating  an  unnatural  and  un 
mitigated  ruffian  for  a  hero,  my  boy,  at  whose  shrine 
all  created  crinoline  and  immense  delegations  of  infe- 


64  ORPHEUS    C.    KERB    PAPERS. 

rior  broadcloth  are  impelled  to  bow.  Such  a  one  was 
that  old  humbug,  Rochester,  the  beloved  of  "  Jane 
Eyre."  The  character  has  been  done-over  scores  of 
times  since  poor  Charlotte  Bronte  gave  her  famous 
novel  to  the  world,  and  is  still  "much  used  in 
respectable  families." 

The  great  difficulty  with  the  intellectual  women 
of  America  is,  that  they  will  persist  in  attempting  to 
delineate  a  phase  of  manly  character  which  attracts 
them  above  all  others,  but  which  they  do  not  com 
prehend.  Woman  entertains  a  natural  fondness  for 
that  which  she  can  not  understand,  and  hence  it  is 
that  we  very  seldom  find  her  without  a  wildly-vague 
admiration  of  Emerson. 

There  is  in  this  world,  my  boy,  a  noble  type  of 
manhood  which  unites  dignified  reserve  with  the  most 
loyal  integrity,  relentless  pride  of  manner  with  the 
kindest  humility  of  heart,  rigid  indifference  to  the 
applause  of  the  world  with  the  finest  regard  for  its 
honest  respect,  and  carelessness  of  woman's  mere 
frivolous  liking  with  the  most  profound  and  chival 
rous  reverence  for  her  virtues  and  her  love. 

This  is  the  type  which,  without  comprehending 
it,  the  intellectual  women  of  America  are  continually 
striving  to  depict  in  their  novels  ;  and  a  pretty  mess 
they  make  of  it,  my  boy, — a  pretty  mess  they  make 
of  it. 

Their   "  Rochester"  hero  is  harder  to  understand 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  (jj 

than  Hamlet,  when  he  falls  into  the  hands  of  our 
school-girl  authoresses.  He  looms  rakishly  upon  us, 
my  boy,  a  horridly  misanthropic  wretch,  despising 
the  world  with  all  the  dreadful  malignity  of  chronic 
dyspepsia,  and  displaying  a  degree  of  moral  bilious 
ness  truly  horrifying  to  members  of  the  church.  His 
behavior  to  the  poor  little  heroine  is  a  perpetual  out 
rage.  Alternately  he  caresses  and  snubs  her.  He 
never  fails  to  make  her  read  to  him  when  he  traps  her 
in  the  library  ;  and  when  she  says,  "  Good  night"  to 
him  he  is  too  deep  in  a  "fit  of  gloomy  abstraction" 
to  answer  her  civilly.  If  he  calls  her  a  "  little  fool," 
her  fondness  for  him  becomes  ecstatic  :  and  at  the 
first  hint  of  his  having  murdered  a  noble  brother  and 
two  beautiful  sisters  in  early  life,  she  is  led  to  fear 
that  her  adoration  of  him  will  exceed  the  love  she 
owes  to  her  Maker  ! 

This  unprincipled  ruffian  may  be  separated  from  the 
virtuous  little  heroine  for  years,  and  be  flirting  con- 
sumedly  with  half  a  dozen  crinolines  when  next  she 
sees  him  ;  yet  is  he  loved  dearly  by  the  virtuous  little 
heroine  all  the  time,  and  when  last  we  hear  of  him, 
she  is  resting  peacefully  upon  his  vest-pattern. 

What  makes  the  inconsistency  of  the  whole  story 
still  more  apparent,  is  the  intense  and  double-refined 
piety  of  the  heroine,  as  contrasted  with  an  utter  stag 
nation  of  all  morality  in  the  breast  of  the  ruffian. 
How  the  two  can  assimilate,  I  do  not  understand  ; 

6 


66  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

and  my  misunderstanding  is  wofully  augmented  by 
the  heroine's  frequent  expressions  of  churchliness,  and 
the  ruffian's  equally  frequent  outbursts  of  waggish 
infidelity. 

And  now,  my  boy,  let  me  transcribe  for  you  the 
new  novel,  sent  to  me  with  such  kind  intent  by  one 
of  the  young  and  intellectual  women  of  America. 
You  will  find  much  lusciousness  of  sentiment,  my 
boy,  in 

HI  GGINS. 

AN     AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 

BY   GUSHALINA   CRUSHIT. 


PREFACE. 

In  writing  the  ensuing  pages,  I  have  been  guided 
by  no  motives  other  than  those  which  lead  the  mind, 
in  its  leisure  hours,  to  scatter  the  germs  of  the  beau 
tiful.  It  may  be  urged  that  the  character  of  my 
hero  is  unnatural  ;  but  I  am  sure  there  are  many  of 
my  sex  who  will  discover  in  Mr.  Higgins  a  counter 
part  of  the  ideal  of  days  when  life  still  knew  the 
odors  of  its  first  spring,  and  the  soul  of  man  seemed 
to  the  eye  of  innocence  an  elysium  of  virtue  into 
which  no  gangrene  of  mere  worldliness  intruded.  I 
have  done. 

CHAPTER   I. 

It  was  on  the  eve  of  a  day  in  the  happy  month  of 
June,  that  my  great  grandfather's  carriage,  drawn  by 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  67 

six  hundred  and  twenty-two  white  horses,  drew  up 
under  the  tall  palm  trees  before  the  gates  of  the  ven 
erable  Higgins'  Lodge,  and  I  was  lifted  almost  faint 
ing  from  the  wearied  vehicle.  As  my  grandfather 
supported  my  trembling  steps  into  the  spacious  hall 
of  the  lodge,  I  noticed  that  another  figure  had  been 
added  to  our  party.  It  was  that  of  a  man  six  feet 
high,  and  broad  in  proportion,  whose  majestic  and 
spacious  brow  betokened  realms  of  elysian  thought 
and  excrescent  ideality.  His  pallid  tresses  hung  in 
curls  down  his  back,  and  an  American  flag  floated 
from  his  Herculean  shoulders.  Fixed  by  a  fascination 
only  to  be  realized  by  those  who  have  felt  so,  I  cast 
my  piercing  glance  at  him,  and  my  inmost  soul  knew 
all  his  sublimity.  It  was  as  though  an  angel's  wing 
had  swept  my  temples,  and  left  a  glittering  pinion 
there. 

"Mr.  Higgins/'  said  my  grandfather,  "here  is  your 
ward,  Galushianna." 

For  an  instant  silence  prevailed. 

Then  Mr.  Higgins  said,  in  tones  of  exquisitely 
modulated  thunder  : 

"  What  did  you  bring  the  d — d  girl  here  for,  you 
old  cuss  you  ?" 

It  was  as  when  one  sees  a  strain  of  music.  I  re 
membered  the  prayers  of  my  dear  departed  mother 
when  she  sought  to  enlighten  my  speechless  infancy 
with  divine  grace,  and  I  felt  that  I  loved  this  Higgins. 


68  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

Such  is  life.  We  wander  through  the  bowers  of 
love  without  a  thought  of  the  morrow,  while  the 
dread  vulture  of  predestination  eats  into  our  souls, 
and  cries,  wo  !  wo  !  Truly,  earthly  happiness  is  a 
mockery. 

CHAPTER   II. 

Scarcely  had  I  taken  my  seat  in  the  library  after 
my  grandfather  had  left  us,  when  Mr.  Higgins  ordered 
me  to  black  his  boots.  This  I  proceeded  to  do  with  a 
haughty  air,  scarcely  daring  to  hope,  but  wishing  that 
he  would  conquer  his  freezing  reserve,  and  speak  to 
me  again.  For  I  was  but  a  child,  and  my  young 
heart  yearned  for  sympathy. 

Presently,  Mr.  Higgins  turned  his  large  gray  eyes 
on  me,  and  said  : 

"  Ha  !" 

After  this,  he  remained  in  a  thoughtful  reverie  for 
two  hours,  and  then  turning  to  me,  asked : 

"  Galushiana,  what  do  you  think  of  me  ?" 

"  I  think,"  replied  I,  carefully  putting  the  black 
ing-brush  in  its  place,  "  that  your  nature  is  naturally 
a  noble  one,  but  has  been  warped  and  shadowed  by  a 
misconceived  impression  of  the  great  arcana  of  the 
universe.  You  permit  the  genuflexions  of  human  sin 
to  bias  your  inind  in  its  estimate  of  the  true  economy 
of  creation  ;  thus  blighting,  as  it  were,  the  fructifying 
evidences  of  your  own  abstract  being — " 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  69 

I  blushed,  and  feared  I  bad  gone  too  far. 

"  Very  true,"  responded  Mr.  Higgins,  after  a  mo 
ment's  pause  ;  "  Schiller  says  nearly  the  same  thing. 
It  was  a  sense  of  man's  utter  nothingness  that  led  me 
to  kill  my  grandmother,  and  poison  the  helpless  oil- 
spring  of  my  elder  brother." 

Here  Mr.  Higgins  held  down  his  head  and  quivered 
with  emotions,  as  the  ocean  quakes  under  the  shriek 
ing  howl  of  the  blast. 

I  felt  my  whole  being  convulsed,  and  could  not  en 
dure  the  spectacle.  I  stole  softly  to  the  door,  and 
stammered  through  my  tears,  "  Good-night,  Mr.  Hig 
gins,  I  will  pray  for  you." 

He  did  not  turn  his  noble  head,  but  sa-id,  in  firm 
tones  :  "  Poor  little  beast,  good  night." 

I  went  to  my  room,  but  could  not  sleep.  Shortly 
after  half-past  two  o'clock  I  crawled  noiselessly  down 
to  the  library-door  and  looked  in.  Mr.  Higgins  still 
sat  before  the  fire  in  the  same  thoughtful  position. 
"  Poor  little  beast !"  I  heard  him  murmur  softly  to 
himself — "  poor  little  beast !" 

CHAPTER   III. 

Let  the  reader  transport  himself  to  a  small  stone 
cottage  on  the  Hudson,  and  he  will  behold  me  as  I 
was  at  the  age  of  twenty-one.  I  had  reached  that 
acme  of  woman's  career  when  common  sense  is  to  her 
as  nothing,  and  the  world  with  all  its  follies  bursts 


70  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

upon  her  ravished  ears  with  ten-fold  succulence.  My 
grandfather  had  been  dead  some  fifty  years,  and  I  was 
even  thinking  of  him,  when  the  door  opened,  and 
Mr.  Higgins  entered.  I  felt  my  heart  palpitate,  and 
was  ahout  to  quit  the  room,  when  he  cast  a  searching 
glance  at  me,  and  said  : 

"  Well,  girl — are  you  as  big  a  fool  as  ever  ?" 

I  hung  my  head,  for  the  tell-tale  blush  would 
bloom. 

"  Come,"  said  Mr.  Higgins,  "  don't  speak  like  a 
donkey.  I'm  no  priestly  confessor.  Curse  the 
priests  !  Curse  the  world  !  Curse  everybody  ! 
Curse  everything  !"  And  he  placed  his  feet  upon 
the  mantel-piece,  and  gazed  meditatively  into  the 
fire. 

I  could  hear  the  beatings  of  my  own  heart,  and  all 
the  warmth  of  my  nature  went  forth  to  meet  this 
sublime  embodiment  of  human  majesty  ;  yet  I  dared 
not  speak. 

After  a  short  silence,  Mr.  Higgins  took  a  chew  of 
tobacco,  and  placing  his  hand  on  my  shoulder,  ex 
claimed  : 

"  Why  should  I  deceive  you,  girl  ?  Last  night  I 
poisoned  my  only  remaining  sister  because  she  would 
have  wed  a  circus-keeper,  and  scarcely  an  hour  ago  I 
lost  two  millions  at  faro.  Your  priests  would  say 
this  was  wrong — hey  ?" 

I  stifled  my  sobs  and  said,  as  calmly  as  I  could  : 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  71 

"  Our  Church  looks  at  the  motive,  not  the  deed. 
If  a  high  sense  of  honor  compelled  you  to  poison  all 
your  relatives  and  play  faro,  the  sin  was  rather  the 
effect  of  vice  in  others  than  in  your  own  noble  heart, 
and  I  doubt  not  you  may  be  called  innocent," 

He  glanced  into  the  fire  a  few  hours,  and  then 
said  : 

"  Go,  Galushianna  ! — I  would  be  alone  !  Go,  inno 
cent  young  scorpion." 

Oh,  Higgins,  Higgins,  if  I  could  have  died  for  thee 
then,  I  don't  know  but  I  should  have  done  it ! 

CHAPTER   IV. 

Seventy-five  years  have  rolled  by  since  last  I  met 
the  reader,  and  I  am  still  a  thoughtless  girl.  But  oh, 
how  changed !  The  raven  of  despair  has  flapped  his 
hideous  brood  over  the  halls  of  my  ancestors,  and 
taken  from  them  all  that  once  made  them  beautiful. 
When  I  look  back  I  can  see  nothing  before  me,  and 
when  I  look  forward  I  can  see  nothing  behind  me. 
Thus  it  is  with  life.  We  fancy  that  each  hour  is  a 
butterfly  made  to  play  with,  and  all  is  gall  and  bit 
terness. 

I  was  chastened  by  misfortune,  and  occupied  a 
secluded  cavern  in  the  city  of  New  Orleans,  when 
my  faithful  old  nurse  entered  my  dressing-room,  and 
burst  into  a  fit  of  hysterical  laughter. 

"  Sassafrina  !"  I  exclaimed,  half  angrily. 


72  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

"  Please  don't  be  angry,  miss/'  responded  the  tried 
old  creature  ;  u  but  I  knew  it  would  come  all  right 
at  last.  I  told  you  Sir  Claude  Higgins  hadn't  mar 
ried  his  youngest  sister,  but  you  wouldn't  believe 
me.  Now  he's  down  stairs  in  the  parlor  waiting  for 
you." 

And  the  attached  domestic  fell  dead  at  my  feet. 

After  hastily  putting  on  a  pair  of  clean  stockings 
and  reading  a  chapter  in  my  mother's  family  Bible,  I 
left  the  room,  murmuring  to  myself,  "  Be  still,  my 
throbbing  heart,  be  still." 

CHAPTER    v. 

When  I  entered  the  parlor,  Mr.  Higgins  sat  gazing 
into  the  fire  in  an  attitude  of  deep  reflection,  and  did 
not  note  my  entrance  until  I  had  touched  him.  His 
dishevelled  hair  Imng  from  his  massive  temples  in 
majestic  discomposure,  and  an  extinguished  torch  lay 
smouldering  at  his  glorious  feet. 

O  my  soul's  idol  !  I  can  see  thee  now  as  I  saw  thee 
then,  with  the  firelight  glowing  over  thee;  like  a  smile 
from  the  cerulean  skies  ! 

As  I  touched  him,  he  awoke. 

"  Miserable  girl  !"  he  exclaimed,  in  those  old  fami 
liar  tones,  drawing  me  towards  him,  while  a  delicious 
tremor  shook  my  every  nerve.  "  Wretched  little  ser 
pent  !  And  is  it  thus  we  meet  ?  Poor  idiot,  you 
are  but  a  woman,  and  I — alas  !  what  am  I  ?  Two 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  73 

hours  ago,  I  set  fire  to  three  churches,  and  crushed  a 
sexton  'iieath  my  iron  heel.  Do  you  not  shrink  ? 
'Tis  well.  Then  hear  ine,  viper,  /  lovest  thee." 

Was  it  the  music  of  a  higher  sphere  that  I  smelt, 
or  was  I  still  in  this  world  of  folly  and  sin  ?  And 
were  all  my  toils,  my  cares,  my  heart-breathings,  my 
hope-sobbings,  my  soul-writhings  to  end  thus  glori 
ously  at  last  in  the  adoration  of  a  being  on  whom  I 
lavished  all  the  spirit's  purest  gloatings  ? 

My  bliss  was  more  than  I  could  endure.  Tearing 
all  the  hair-pins  from  my  hair  and  tying  my  pocket 
handkerchief  about  my  heaving  neck,  I  flung  myself 
upon  his  steaming  chest. 

"  if ?/ Higgins  !" 

"  YOUR  Higgins  !  !" 

"OUR  Higgins  !  !  !" 

THE  BLISSFUL  FINIS. 

The  intellectual  women  of  America  draw  it  rather 
tempestuously  when  they  try  to  reproduce  gorgeous 
manhood  ;  but  they  mean  well,  my  boy, — they  mean 
well.  Yours,  in  a  brown  study, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERB. 


LETTER    X. 

MAKING  CONSERVATIVE  MENTION  OF  THE  BATTLE  OF  BULL  RUN  AND 
ITS  EVENTS.  THE  FIRE-ZOUAVE'S  VERSION  OF  THE  AFFAIR,  AND 
SO  ON. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  July  28th,  1861. 

We  have  met  the  enemy  at  last,  my  boy  ;  but  I 
don't  see  that  he's  ours.  We  went  after  him  with 
flying  banners,  and  I  noticed  when  we  came  back 
that  they  were  flying  still  !  Honor  to  the  brave  who 
fell  on  that  bloody  field !  and  may  we  kill  enough 
secessionists  to  give  each  of  them  a  monument  of 
Southern  skulls  ! 

I  was  present  at  the  great  battle,  my  boy,  and  ap 
pointed  myself  a  special  guard  of  one  of  the  baggage- 
wagons  in  the  extreme  rear.  The  driver  saw  me 
coming,  and  says  he  : 

"  You  can't  cut  behind  this  here  wehicle,  my  fine 
little  boy." 

I  looked  at  him  for  a  moment,  after  the  manner  of 
the  late  great  actor,  Mr.  Kirby,  and  says  I : 

"  Soldier,  hast  thou  a  wife  ?" 

Says  he  : 

"  I  reckon." 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  75 

"  And  sixteen  small  children  ?" 

Says  he  : 

"  There  was  only  fifteen  when  last  heard  from." 

"  Soldier/'  says  I,  "  were  you  to  die  before  to-mor 
row,  what  would  be  your  last  request  ?" 

Here  I  shed  two  tears. 

"It  would  be/'  says  he,  "  that  some  kind  friend 
would  take  the  job  of  walloping  my  offspring  for  a 
year  on  contract,  and  finding  my  beloved  wife  in  sub 
jects  to  jaw  about." 

"  Soldier/'  says  I,  "  I'm  your  friend  and  brother. 
Let  me  occupy  a  seat  by  your  side." 

And  he  didn't  let  me  do  it. 

Just  at  this  moment,  something  burst,  and  I  found 
myself  going  up  at  the  rate  of  two  steeples  and  a 
shot-tower  a  second.  I  met  a  Fire  Zouave  on  the 
way  down,  and  says  he  : 

"  Towhead,  if  you  see  any  of  our  boys  up  where 
you're  goin'  to,  just  tell  them  to  hurry  down  ;  fur 
there's  goin'  to  be  a  row,  and  Nine's  fellers  '11  take 
that  ere  four-gun  hydrant  from  the  scceshers  in  less 
time  than  you  can  reel  two  yards  of  hose." 

As  I  was  very  tired  I  did  not  go  all  the  way  up  ; 
but  turned  back  at  the  first  cloud,  and  returned 
hastily  to  the  scene  of  strife.  I  happened  to  light  on 
a  very  fat  secesher,  who  was  doing  a  little  running 
for  exercise.  Down  he  went,  with  me  on  top  of  him. 
He  was  dreadfully  scared  ;  but  says  he  to  me  :  "  I've 


76  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

seen  you  before,  by  the  gods  !"  I  winked  at  him, 
and  commenced  to  sharpen  my  sword  on  a  stone. 

"  Tell  me,"  says  he,  "  had  you  a  female  mother  ?" 

"  I  had/'  says  I. 

"  And  a  masculine  father  ?" 

"  He  wore  breeches." 

"  Then  you  are  my  long  lost  grandfather  !"  says 
the  secesher,  endeavoring  to  embrace  me. 

"  It  won't  do,"  says  I  ;  "  I've  been  to  the  Bowery 
Theatre  myself ;"  and  with  that  I  took  off  his  neck 
tie  and  wiped  my  nose  with  it.  This  action  was  so 
repugnant  to  the  feelings  of  a  Southern  gentleman, 
that  he  immediately  died  on  my  hands  ;  and  there  I 
left  him. 

It  was  my  first  personal  victory  in  this  unnatural 
war,  my  boy,  and  as  I  walked  away  I  thought  sadly 
of  the  domestic  circle  in  the  Southern  Confederacy 
that  might  be  waiting  anxiously,  tearfully,  for  the 
husband  and  father — him  whom  I  had  morally  assas 
sinated.  And  there  he  sprawled,  denied  even  the 
simple  privilege  of  extending  a  parting  blessing  to 
his  children.  Under  ordinary  circumstances,  my  boy, 
there's  something  deeply  affecting  in 

THE   DYING  SOUTHERNER'S   FAREWELL  TO   HIS  SON. 

My  boy,  my  lion-hearted  boy, 

Your  father's  end  draws  near; 
Already  is  your  loss  begun, 

And,  curso  it,  there's  a  tear. 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERIl   PAPERS.  77 

I've  sought  to  bring  you  up,  my  son, 

A  credit  to  the  South, 
And  all  your  poker  games  have  been 

An  honor  to  us  both. 

Though  scarcely  sixteen  years  of  age, 

Your  bowie  's  tickled  more 
Than  many  Southerners  I  know 

At  fifty  and  three  score. 

You've  whipped  your  nigger  handsomely, 

And  chewed  your  plug  a  day; 
And  when  I  hear  you  swear,  my  son, 

What  pride  my  eyes  betray ! 

And  now,  that  I  must  leave  the  world, 

My  dying  words  attend; 
But  first,  a  chew  of  niggerhead, 

And  cut  it  near  the  end. 

To  you  the  old  plantation  goes, 

With  mortgage,  tax,  and  all, 
Though  compound  interest  on  that  first, 

"Will  make  the  profit  small. 

The  niggers  to  your  mother  go; 

And  if  she  wants  to  sell, 
You  might  contrive  to  buy  her  out, 

Should  all  tlio  crops  grow  well. 

I  leave  you  all  my  debts,  my  son, 

To  Yankees  chiefly  due ; 
But — curse  the  black  republicans  I 

That  needn't  trouble  you. 

A  true-born  Southern  gentleman. 

Disdains  the  vulgar  thought 
Of  paying,  like  a  Yankee  clerk, 

For  what  is  sold  and  bought. 


78  ORPHEUS   C,    KERB   PAPERS 

Leave  that  to  storekeepers  and  fools 

"Who  never  banked  a  card; 
We  pay  our   "  debts  of  honor,"  boy, 

Though  pressed  however  hard. 

Last  summer  at  the  North  I  bought, 
Somo  nigger  hats  and  shoes, 

And  gave  my  note  for  ninety  days; 
Forget  it  if  you  choose. 

The  Yankee  mudsills  would  not  have 

Such  articles  to  sell, 
If  Southern  liberality 

Had  fattened  them  less  well 

The  Northern  dun  we  hung  last  week 

Had  twenty  dollars  clear, 
And  that,  my  son,  is  all  the  cash 

I  have  to  give  you  here. 

But  that's  enough  to  make  a  start, 
And,  if  you  pick  your  boat, 

A  Mississippi  trip  or  two 
"Will  set  you  all  afloat. 

You  play  a  screaming  hand,  my  son, 

And  push  an  ugly  cue ; 
Oh !    these  are  thoughts  that  make  me  feel 

As  dying  Christians  do! 

Keep  cool,  my  lion-hearted  boy, 

Till  second  ace  is  played, 
And  then  call  out  for  brandy  sour 

As  though  your  pile  was  made. 

The  other  chaps  will  think  you've  got 

The  tiger  by  the  tail; 
And  when  you  see  them  looking  glum, 

Just  call  for  brandy  pale  1 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS.          79 

I  never  knew  it  fail  to  make 

Some  green  one  go  it  blind; 
And  when  the  first  slip-up  is  made, 

It's  all  your  own,  you'll  find. 

My  breath  comes  hard — I'm  euchred,  boy — 

First  Families  must  die; 
I  leave  you  in  your  innocence, 

And  here's  a  last  good-bye. 

Shortly  after  the  event  I  have  recorded,  I  was  ex 
amining  the  back  of  a  house  near  the  battle-field,  to 
see  if  it  corresponded  with  the  front,  when  another 
Fire  Zouave  came  along,  and  says  he  : 

"  It's  my  opine  that  you're  sticking  rather  too 
thick  to  the  rear  of  that  house  to  be  much  punkins 
in  a  muss.  Why  don't  you  go  to  the  front  like  a 
man  ?" 

"  My  boy,"  says  I,  "  this  is  the  house  of  a  pre 
dominant  rebel,  and  I'm  detailed  to  watch  the  back 
door." 

With  that  the  Zouave  was  taken  with  such  a  dread 
ful  fit  of  coughing  that  he  had  to  move  on  to  get  his 
breath,  and  I  was  left  alone  once  more. 

These  Fire  Zouaves,  my  boy,  have  a  perversity 
about  them  not  to  be  repressed.  They  were  neck- 
and-neck  with  the  rest  of  us  in  our  stampede  back  to 
to  this  city  ;  and  yet,  my  boy,  they  refuse  to  consider 
the  United  States  of  America  worsted.  Here  is  the 
version  of 


80  ORPHEUS  C.  KEKH  PAPERS. 

BULL  RUN, 

BY    A    FIRE    ZOUAVE. 

Ob,  it's  all  very  well  for  you  fellers 

That  don't  know  a  fire  from  the  sun, 
To  curl  your  moustaches,  and  tell  us 

Just  how  the  thing  oughter  be  done ; 
But  when  twenty  wake  up  ninety  thousand, 

There's  nothin'  can  follow  but  rout ; 
We  didn't  give  in  till  we  had  to; 

And  what  are  yer  coughin'  about  ? 

The  crowd  that  was  with  them  ere  rebels 

Hud  ten  to  pur  every  man  ; 
But  a  fireman's  a  fireman,  me  covey, 

And  he'll  put  out  a  fire  if  he  can : 
So  we  run  the  masheen  at  a  gallop, 

As  easy  as  open  and  shut, 
And  as  fast  as  one  feller  went  under, 

Another  kept  takin'  der  butt. 

You  oughter  seen  Farnham,  that  mornin'  I 

In  spite  of  the  shot  and  the  shell 
His  orders  kept  ringing  around  us 

As  clear  as  the  City  Hall  bell. 
He  said  all  he  could  to  encourage 

And  lighten  the  hearts  of  the  men, 
Until  he  was  bleeding  and  wounded, 

And  nary  dried  up  on  it  then. 

While  two  rifle  regiments  fought  us, 

And  batteries  tumbled  us  down, 
Them  cursed  Black-Horse  fellers  charged  us, 

Like  all  the  Dead  Rabbits  in  town. 
And  that's  just  the  way  with  them  rebels, 

It's  ten  upon  one,  or  no  fair; 
But  we  emptied  a  few  of  their  saddles — 

You  may  bet  all  your  soap  on  that  air  I 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERU    TAPERS.  81 

"Double  up!"  says  our  colonel,  quite  coolly, 

When  he  saw  them  come  riding  like  mad, 
And  wo  did  double  up  in  a  hurry, 

And  let  them  have  all  that  we  had. 
They  came  at  us  counting  a  hundred, 

And  scarcely  two  dozen  went  back ; 
So  you  see,  if  they  bluffed  us  on  aces, 

We  made  a  big  thing  with  the  Jack. 

We  fought  till  red  shirts  were  as  plenty 

As  blackberries,  strewing  the  grass, 
And  then  we  fell  back  for  a  breathing, 

To  let  Sixty-nine's  fellers  pass. 
Perhaps  Sixty-nine  didn't  peg  them, 

And  give  them  uncommon  cheroots  ? 
Well — I've  just  got  to  say,  if  they  didn't 

You  fellers  can  smell  of  my  boots ! 

The-  Brooklyn  Fourteenth  was  another, 

And  those  Minnesota  chaps  too  ; 
But  the  odds  were  too  heavy  against  us, 

And  but  one  thing  was  left  us  to  do : 
Wo  had  to  make  tracks  for  our  quarters, 

And  finished  it  up  pretty  rough ; 
But  if  any  chap  says  that  they  licked  us, 

I'd  just  like  to  polish  him  off! 

With  the  remembrance  of  the  many  heroic  souls 
who  sacrificed  themselves  for  their  country  that  day, 
I  have  not  the  heart,  my  boy,  to  continue  the  sub 
ject.  I  was  routed  at  about  five  o'clock  in  the  after 
noon,  and  fell  back  on  Washington,  where  I  am  now 
receiving  my  rations.  I  don't  take  the  oath  with  any 
spirit  since  then  ;  and  a  skeleton  with  nothing  on  but 
a  havelock  is  all  that  is  left  of 

Yours,  emaciatedly.         ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XI. 

GIVING  AN  EFFECT  OF  THE  NEW  BUGLE  DRILL  IN  THE  MACKEREL 
BRIGADE,  AND  MAKING  SOME  NOTE  OF  THE  LATEST  IMPROVEMENTS 
IN  ARTILLERY,  ETC. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  August  — ,  1861. 

The  Mackerel  Brigade,  of  which  I  have  the  honor 
to  be  a  member,  was  about  the  worst  demoralized  of 
all  the  brigades  that  covered  themselves  with  glory 
and  perspiration  at  the  skrirnmage  of  Bull  Bun.  In 
the  first  place,  it  never  had  much  morals,  and  when 
it  came  to  be  demoralized,  it  hadn't  any  ;  so  that 
ever  since  the  disaster,  the  peasantry  in  the  neighbor 
hood  of  the  camp  have  been  in  constant  mourning 
for  departed  pullets  ;  and  one  venerable  rustic  com 
plains  that  the  Mackerel  pickets  milk  all  his  cows 
every  night,  and  come  to  borrow  his  churn  in  the 
morning.  When  one  of  the  colonels  heard  the  ven 
erable  rustic  make  this  accusation,  he  says  to  him  : 

"  Would  you  like  to  be  revenged  on  the  men  who 
milk  your  animiles  ?"  The  venerable  rustic  took  a 
chew  of  tobacco,  and  says  he  :  "I  wouldn't  like  any 
thing  better."  The  colonel  looked  at  him  sadly  for  a 
moment,  and  then  remarked  :  "  Aged  stranger,  you 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  83 

are  already  revenged.  The  men  who  milked  your 
animiles  are  all  from  New  York,  where  they  had 
been  accustomed  to  drink  milk  composed  principally 
of  Croton  water.  Upon  drinking  the  pure  article 
furnished  by  your  gentle  beastesses,  they  were  all 
taken  violently  sick,  and  are  now  lying  at  the  point 
of  illness,  expecting  every  moment  to  be  their  first." 
The  venerable  rustic  was  so  affected  by  this  intelli 
gence,  that  he  immediately  went  home  in  tears. 

The  new  bugle  drill  is  a  very  good  idea,  my  boy, 
and  our  lads  will  probably  become  accustomed  to  it 
by  the  time  they  get  used  to  it.  The  colonel  of  Keg- 
iment  Five  likes  it  so  much  that  he  has  substituted 
the  bugle  for  the  drum,  even.  The  other  morning, 
when  he  tried  it  on  for  the  first  time,  I  was  just 
entering  the  tent  of  one  of  the  captains,  to  take  the 
Oath  with  him,  when  the  bugle  sounded  the  order  to 
turn  out. 

"Ah  !"  says  the  captain,  when  he  heard  it,  "we're 
going  to  have  fish  for  breakfast  at  last.  I  hope  its 
porgies,"  says  he:  "for  Tin  uncommon  fond  of 
porgies/' 

"  Why,  what  are  you  talking  about  ?"  says  I. 

"You  innocent  lamb/'  says  he,  "didn't  you  hear 
that  ere  fish-horn.  It  said  e  porgies/  as  plain  as  could 
be." 

"  Why,  that's  the  bugle,"  says  I,  "  and  it  sounded 
the  order  to  turn  out." 


84  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

He  took  his  disappointment  very  severely,  my  boy, 
for  he  was  really  very  fond  of  porgies. 

By  invitation  of  a  well-known  official,  I  visited  the 
Navy- Yard  yesterday,  and  witnessed  the  trial  of  some 
newly-invented  rifled  cannon.  The  trial  was  of  short 
duration,  and  the  jury  brought  in  a  verdict  of  "  inno 
cent  of  any  intent  to  kill." 

The  first  gun  tried  was  similar  to  those  used  in  the 
Kevolution,  except  that  it  had  a  larger  touch-hole, 
and  the  .carriage  was  painted  green,  instead  of  blue. 
This  novel  and  ingenious  weapon  was  pointed  at  a 
target  about  sixty  yards  distant.  It  didn't  hit  it,  and 
us  nobody  saw  any  ball,  there  was  much  perplexity 
expressed.  A  midshipman  did  say  that  he  thought 
the  ball  must  have  run  out  of  the  touch-hole  when 
they  loaded  up — for  which  he  was  instantly  expelled 
from  the  service.  After  a  long  search  without  finding 
the  bail,  there  was  some  thought  of  summoning  the 
Naval  Ketiring  Board  to  decide  on  the  matter,  when 
somebody  happened  to  look  into  the  mouth  of  the 
cannon,  and  discovered  that  the  ball  hadn't  gone  out 
at  all.  The  inventor  said  this  would  happen  some 
times,  especially  if  you  didn't  put  a  brick  over  the 
touch-hole  when  you  fired  the  gun.  The  Govern-, 
ment  was  so  pleased  with  this  explanation,  that  it 
ordered  forty  of  the  guns  on  the  spot,  at  two  hundred 
thousand  dollars  apiece.  The  guns  to  be  furnished 
as  soon  as  the  war  is  over. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  85 

The  next  weapon  tried  was  Jink's  double  back- 
action  revolving  cannon  for  ferry-boats.  It  consists  of 
a  heavy  bronze  tube,  revolving  on  a  pivot,  with  both 
ends  open,  and  a  touch-hole  in  the  middle.  While 
one  gunner  puts  a  load  in  at  one  end,  another  puts  in 
?-  load  at  the  other  end,  and  one  touch-hole  serves  for 
both.  Upon  applying  the  match,  the  gun  is  whirled 
swiftly  round  on  a  pivot,  and  both  balls  fly  out  in  cir 
cles,  causing  great  slaughter  on  both  sides.  This  ter 
rible  engine  was  aimed  at  the  target  with  great  accu 
racy  ;  but  as  the  gunner  has  a  large  family  dependent 
on  him  for  support,  he  refused  to  apply  the  match. 
The  Government  was  satisfied  without  firing,  and 
ordered  six  of  the  guns  at  a  million  of  dollars  apiece. 
The  guns  to  be  furnished  in  time  for  our  next 
war. 

The  last  weapon  subjected  to  trial  was  a  mountain 
howitzer  of  a  new  pattern.  The  inventor  explained 
that  its  great  advantage  was,  that  it  required  no 
powder.  In  battle  it  is  placed  on  the  top  of  a  high 
mountain,  and  a  ball  slipped  loosely  into  it.  As  the 
enemy  passes  the  foot  of  the  mountain,  the  gunner  in 
charge  tips  over  the  howitzer,  and  the  ball  rolls  down 
the  side  of  the  mountain  into  the  midst  of  the  doomed 
foe.  The  range  of  this  terrible  weapon  depends  greatly 
on  the  height  of  the  mountain  and  the  distance  to  its 
base.  The  Government  ordered  forty  of  these  moun 
tain  howitzers  at  a  hundred  thousand  dollars  apiece, 


86  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

to  be  planted  on  the  first  mountains  discovered  in  the 
enemy's  country. 

These  are  great  times  for  gunsmiths,  my  boy  ;  and 
if  you  find  any  old  cannon  around  the  junk-shops, 
just  send  them  along. 

There  is  much  sensation  in  nautical  circles  arisin^ 

o 

from  the  immoral  conduct  of  the  rebel  privateers  ; 
but  public  feeling  has  been  somewhat  easier  since  the 
invention  of  a  craft  for  capturing  the  pirates,  by  an 
ingenious  Connecticut  chap.  Yesterday  he  exhibited 
a  small  model  of  it  at  a  cabinet  meeting,  and  explained 
it  thus  : 

"  You  will  perceive,"  says  he  to  the  President, 
"  that  the  machine  itself  will  only  be  four  times  the 
size  cf  the  Great  Eastern,  and  need  not  cost  over  a 
few  millions  of  dollars.  I  have  only  got  to  discover 
one  thing  before  I  can  make  it  perfect.  You  will 
observe  that  it  has  a  steam-engine  on  board.  This 
engine  works  a  pair  of  immense  iron  clamps,  which 
are  let  down  into  the  water  from  the  extreme  end  of 
a  very  lengthy  horizontal  spar.  Upon  approaching 
the  pirate,  the  captain  orders  the  engineer  to  put  on 
steam.  Instantly  the  clamps  descend  from  the  end 
of  the  spar  and  clutch  the  privateer  athwartships. 
Then  the  engine  is  reversed,  the  privateer  is  lifted 
bodily  out  of  the  water,  the  spar  swings  around  over 
the  deck,  and  the  pirate  ship  is  let  down  into  the  hold 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERK    PAPERS.  87 

by  the  run.     Then  shut  your  hatches,  and  you  have 
ship  and  pirates  safe  and  sound." 

The  President's  gothic  features  lighted  up  beauti 
fully  at  the  words  of  the  great  inventor  ;  but  in  a 
moment  they  assumed  an  expression  of  doubt,  and 
says  he  : 

"But  how  are  you  going  to  manage,  if  the  priva 
teer  fires  upon  you  while  you  are  doing  this  ?" 

"  My  dear  sir/'  says  the  inventor,  "  I  told  you  I 
had  only  one  thing  to  discover  before  I  could  make 
the  machine  perfect,  and  that's  it." 

So  you  see,  my  boy,  there's  a  prospect  of  our  doing 
something  on  the  ocean  next  century,  and  there's  only 
one  thing  in  the  way  of  our  taking  in  pirates  by  the 
cargo. 

Last  evening  a  new  brigadier-general,  aged  ninety- 
four  years,  made  a  speech  to  Kegiment  Five,  Mackerel 
Brigade,  and  then  furnished  each  man  with  a  lead- 
pencil.  He  said  that,  as  the  Government  was  disap 
pointed  about  receiving  some  provisions  it  had  ordered 
for  the  troops,  those  pencils  were  intended  to  enable 
them  to  draw  their  rations  as  usual.  I  got  a  very  big 
pencil,  my  boy,  and  have  lived  on  a  sheet  of  paper 
ever  since.  Yours,  pensively, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   XII. 

GIVIXG   AN   ABSTRACT   OF   A   GREAT   ORATOR'S    FLAGGING  SPEECH,    AND 
RECORDING   A    DEATHLESS   EXPLOIT    OF   THE    MACKEREL   BRIGADE. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  September  Sth,  1SG1. 

THE  weather  in  the  neighborhood  of  Chain  Bridge 
still  continues  to  bear  hard  on  fat  men,  my  boy,  and 
the  man  who  carries  a  big  stomach  around  with  him 
will  be  a  person  in  reduced  circumstances  before  he 
gets  to  bo  a  colonel.  The  Brigadier- General  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  observed,  the  other  day,  that  he  had 
been  in  hot  water  four  weeks  running,  and  ordered  me 
to  work  six  hours  in  the  trenches  for  not  laughing 
at  the  joke  ;  he  said  that  old  Abe  had  people  ex 
pressly  to  laugh  at  his  jokes,  and  had  selected  his 
Cabinet  officers  because  they  all  had  large  mouths, 
and  could  laugh  easily  ;  he  said  that  he  was  resolved 
to  have  his  own  jokes  appreciated,  and  if  he  didn't, 
he'd  be  perditionized.  It's  my  impression — I  say  it's 
my  impression,  my  boy,  that  the  general  got  off  his 
best  joke  when  he  promised  the  Mackerel  Brigade  to 
look  after  their  interests  as  though  they  were  his 
brothers.  He  may  look  after  them,  my  boy,  but  it's 


ORPHEUS   C.    KEUU    PAPERS.  89 

after  they're  out  of  sight.  I  don't  say  that  he  takes 
advantage  of  us  :  but  I  know  that  just  after  a  basket 
of  champagne  was  sent  to  the  camp,  directed  to  me, 
yesterday,  I  saw  him  sitting  on  an  empty  basket  in 
his  tent,  trying  to  wind  up  his  watch  with  a  cork 
screw.  I  asked  him  what  time  it  was,  and  he  said 
the  Conzstorshun  must  and  shall  be  blockade-dade- 
did.  I  told  him  I  thought  so  myself,  and  he  imme 
diately  burst  into  tears,  and  said  he  should  never  see 
his  mother  again. 

On  Tuesday,  there  was  a  rumor  that  the  Southern 
Confederacy  had  attacked  at  regiment  at  Alexandria, 
for  the  purpose  of  creating  a  confusion,  so  that  it 
might  pick  the  colonel's  pockets,  and  Regiment  5, 
Mackerel  Brigade,  was  ordered  to  go  instantly  to  the 
rescue.  Just  as  we  were  ready  to  march,  a  distin 
guished  citizen  of  Washington  presented  a  sword  to 
the  colonel  from  the  ladies  of  the  Capital,  and  made 
an  eloquent  speech.  He  spoke  of  the  wonderful 
manner  in  which  the  world  was  called  out  of  chaos  at 
the  creation,  and  spoke  feelingly  of  the  Garden  of 
Eden,  and  the  fall  of  our  first  parents  ;  he  then  went 
on  to  review  the  many  changes  the  earth  had  expe 
rienced  since  it  was  first  created,  and  described  the 
method  of  the  ancients  to  cook  bread  before  stoves 
were  invented  ;  he  then  spoke  of  the  glories  of  Greece 
and  Rome,  giving  a  full  history  of  them  from  the 
beginning  to  the  present  time  ;  he  then  went  on  to 


90          ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

describe  the  origin  of  the  republican  and  democratic 
parties,  reading  both  platforms,  and  giving  his  ideas 
of  Jackson's  policy  ;  he  then  gave  an  account  of  the 
war  of  the  Roses  in  England,  and  the  cholera  in 
Persia,  attributing  the  latter  to  a  sudden  change  in 
the  atmosphere  ;  he  then  went  on  to  speak  of  the 
difficulties  encountered  by  Columbus  in  discovering 
this  country,  and  gave  a  history  of  his  subsequent 
career  and  death  in  Europe  ;  he  then  read  an  extract 
from  Washington's  Farewell  Address;  in  conclusion, 
he  said  that  the  ladies  of  Washington  had  empowered 
him  to  present  this  here  sword  to  that  ere  gallant 
colonel,  in  the  presence  of  these  here  brave  defenders 
of  their  country. 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  speech,  starvation  com 
menced  to  make  great  ravages  in  the  regiment,  and 
the  colonel  was  so  weak,  for  want  of  sleep,  that  he 
had  to  be  carried  to  his  tent.  A  private  remarked  to 
me,  that,  if  we  could  only  have  one  more  such  pre 
sentation  speech  as  that,  the  regiment  would  be  com 
petent  to  start  a  grave-yard  before  it  was  finished.  I 
believe  him,  my  boy  ! 

When  the  presentation  was  finished,  the  colonel 
announced  from  his  camp-bedstead  that  the  rumor  of 
a  fight  at  Alexandria  was  all  a  hum,  and  ordered  us 
back  to  our  tents.  We  hadn't  been  to  our  tents  for 
such  a  long  time,  that  some  of  us  couldn't  find  them, 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  91 

and  one  of  our  boys  actually  wandered  around  until 
he  found  himself  at  home  in  New  York. 

The  Mackerel  Brigade,  my  boy,  had  a  great  engage 
ment  yesterday,  and  came  very  near  repulsing  the 
enemy.  We  were  ordered  to  march  forward  in  three 
columns,  until  we  came  within  five  miles  of  the  enemy, 
Colonel  Wobbles  leading  the  first  ;  Mr.  Wobbles,  the 
second  ;  and  Wobbles,  the  third.  In  the  advance 
our  lines  presented  the  shape  of  a  clam-shell,  but  as 
we  neared  the  point  of  danger,  they  gradually  assumed 
more  of  the  form  of  a  cone,  the  rear-guard  being 
several  times  as  thick  as  the  advance  guard.  When 
within  six  miles  of  the  seceshers,  we  planted  our  bat 
tery  of  four  six  pounders,  and  opened  a  horrible  fire  of 
shot  and  shell  on  the  adjacent  country.  The  secesh 
ers  replied  with  a  hail  of  canister  and  shrapnell, 
and  for  eight  hours  the  battle  raged  fearfully,  but 
without  hurting  anybody,  as  the  hostile  forces  were 
too  far  apart  to  reach  each  other  with  shot.  Finally, 
Colonel  Wobbles  sent  a  messenger,  by  railroad,  to  ask 
the  seceshers  what  they  wanted,  and  they  said  they 
only  wanted  to  be  let  alone.  On  receiving  this  reply, 
Colonel  Wobbles  was  much  affected,  and  ordered  us 
to  march  back  to  camp,  which  we  did. 

This  affair  was  really  a  great  victory  for  the  Union, 
my  boy,  and  I  cannot  refrain  from  giving  short  bio 
graphical  sketches  of  the  leaders  concerned  in  it, 
commencing  with 


92  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

COLONEL   WOBBLES. 

This  gallant  officer,  on  whom  the  eyes  of  the  whole 
world  are  now  turned,  was  born  at  an  exceedingly 
early  age,  in  the  place  of  his  nativity.  When  but  a 
mere  boy,  he  evinced  a  fondness  for  the  law,  and  his 
father,  who  was  his  mother's  husband,  placed  him  in 
the  office  of  the  late  Daniel  Webster.  He  practised 
law  for  some  years,  but  failed  to  find  any  clients,  and 
finally  started  a  grocery  store  under  Jackson's  admin 
istration.  At  this  time,  Calhoun's  peculiar  views 
were  agitating  Christendom,  and  Mr.  Wobbles  mar 
ried  a  daughter  of  the  late  John  Thomas,  by  whom 
he  had  no  children.  When  the  war  broke  out  in 
Mexico,  he  left  the  grocery  business,  and  opened  a 
liquor  store  on  the  estate  of  the  late  J.  Smith,  and 
accumulated  sufficient  money  to  send  his  family  into 
the  country.  Colonel  Wobbles  is  now  about  eighty- 
five  years  old. 

MR.    WOBBLES. 

This  heroic  young  officer,  now  attracting  so  much 
attention,  drew  his  first  breath  among  the  peaceful 
scenes  of  home,  from  which  the  captious  might  have 
augured  anything  but  a  soldier's  destiny  for  him. 
W'hile  yet  very  young,  he  was  remarkable  for  his  pro 
ficiency  in  making  dirt-pies,  and  went  to  school  with 
the  sons  of  the  late  Mr.  Jones.  In  1846,  he  did  not 
graduate  at  West  Point  ;  but  when  the  war  broke 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  93 

out  between  Mexico  and  the  United  States,  he  mar 
ried  a  niece  of  the  late  Daniel  Webster.  It  was  also 
at  this  period  of  his  eventful  career  that  he  first  be 
came  a  husband,  and  shortly  after  the  birth  of  his 
eldest  child,  it  was  rumored  that  he  had  also  become 
a  father.  He  entered  the  present  war  as  a  military 
man.  He  is  now  but  forty  years  old. 

WOBBLES. 

This  noble  patriot  soldier,  whose  name  is  now  a 
household  word  all  over  the  world,  was  reared  from 
infancy  in  the  village  of  his  birth,  and  took  a  promi 
nent  part  in  the  meals  of  his  family.  -  While  yet  a 
youth,  the  Florida  war  broke  out,  and  he  attended 
the  high-school  of  the  late  Mr.  Brown.  On  arriving 
of  age,  he  was  just  twenty-one  years  old,  and  was  not 
a  student  at  West  Point.  Shortly  after  this  event, 
he  married  a  cousin  of  the  late  Daniel  Webster,  and 
during  the  Mexican  War  he  had  one  child,  who  still 
bears  his  father's  name.  Wobbles  is  now  sixty  years 
old. 

You  will  observe,  my  boy,  that  these  noble  officers 
have  merited  the  commissions  of  brigadier-generals, 
and  if  they  don't  get  them  they'll  resign.  Colonel 
Wobbles  told  me  this  morning,  that  if  he  resigned 
the  army  would  all  go  to  pieces.  I  believe  him,  my 
boy  ! — field  pieces.  Yours,  biographically, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XIII. 

SUBMITTING  VARIOUS  RUMORS  CONCERNING  THE  CONDITION  OP  THINGS 
AT  THE  SOUTH,  WITH  A  SKETCH  OF  A  LIGHT  SKELETON  REGIMENT 
AND  A  NOTE  OF  VILLIAM  BROWN'S  RECRUITING  EXPLOIT. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  September  20th,  1861. 

THERE  is  every  indication  that  something  is  about 
to  occur,  which,  when  it  does  transpire,  my  boy,  will 
undoubtedly  give  rise  to  the  rumor  that  a  certain 
thing  has  happened.  It  was  observed  in  military  cir 
cles  yesterday,  that  General  McClellan  ordered  a  new 
pair  of  boots  to  be  forwarded  immediately  from  New 
York,  and  from  this  it  is  justly  inferred  that  the 
Chain  Bridge  will  be  attacked  by  the  rebels  in  force 
very  shortly. 

A  gentleman  who  has  just  arrived  from  the  South 
to  purchase  some  postage-stamps,  states  that  the  rebel 
army  is  in  an  awful  condition,  and  will  starve  to  death 
as  soon  as  Beauregard  gives  the  order.  At  Kichmond, 
ice-cream  was  selling  for  a  hundred  dollars  a  quart, 
gum-drops  at  sixty  dollars  an  ounce,  Brandreth-s  Pills 
at  forty-two  dollars  and  a  half  a  box,  Spaulding's 
Prepared  Glue  at  twenty  dollars  a  pint,  and  Mrs. 
Winslow's  Soothing  Syrup  at  four  hundred  dollars  a 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  95 

bottle.  In  consequence  of  the  sudden  approach  of 
fall  and  the  renewed  stringency  of  the  blockade, 
there  are  no  strawberries  to  be  had,  and  the  First 
Families  are  subsisting  entirely  upon  persimmons. 
Should  the  winter  prove  cold,  the  Southerners  to  a 
man  will  be  compelled  to  wear  much  thicker  clothing, 
and  it  is  anticipated  that  many  of  them  will  take 
cold.  De  lunatico  inquirendo  has  broken  out  among 
the  rebel  troops  at  Manassas  Junction,  in  consequence 
of  insufficient  accommodation,  and  the  hospitals  are 
so  full  of  patients  that  numerous  sufferers  may  be 
seen  bulging  out  of  the  windows. 

The  same  gentleman  thinks  that  Beauregard  will 
be  obliged  to  attack  Washington  at  once,  or  resign 
his  commission  and  go  to  the  Dry  Tortugas  with  his 
whole  army.  They  are  called  the  Dry  Tortugas,  my 
boy,  because  not  a  cocktail  was  ever  known  to  be 
raised  there. 

A  perfectly  reliable  but  respectable  person  arrived 
here  yesterday  from  Paris,  and  brings  highly  impor 
tant  intelligence  from  North  Carolina.  He  has  been 
permitted  to  sleep  with  a  gentleman  formerly  residing 
in  that  State,  and  his  report  is  credited  by  the  Ad 
ministration.  Nearly  all  the  people  of  North  Caro 
lina  are  devoted  Union  men  at  heart,  and  would 
gladly  rally  around  the  old  flag,  if  it  were  not  for  the 
fact  that  nearly  all  the  rest  of  the  people  of  the  State 
are  secessionists  and  won't  let  them.  In  a  town  of 


96  ORPHEUS    C.    KEKR    PAPERS. 

7jO  inhabitants,  748  and  a  half  (one  small  boy)  are 
determined  Unionists  ;  but  the  remainder,  who  are 
brutal  traitors,  have  seized  all  the  arms  in  the  place, 
and  threaten  all  who  oppose  them  with  instant  death. 
At  Raleigh,  a  mob  consisting  of  three  secessionists, 
has  seized  the  post-office  and  all  the  letters  of  marque 
found  in  it.  Marque  has  fled  from  the  State.  Since 
the  victory  of  Hatteras  Inlet,  the  .Union  men  have 
taken  courage,  and  say,  that  if  the  Government  will 
send  two  hundred  thousand  men  to  their  assistance, 
and  seventy-five  rifled  cannon,  they  can  expel  their 
oppressors  in  a  few  years.  These  true  patriots  must 
be  instantly  assisted,  or  a  decimated  and  infuriated 
people  will  demand  the  expulsion  of  the  entire  Cabi 
net,  and  an  entirely  new  issue  of  contracts  for  shoddy. 
In  the  interior  of  North  Carolina  there  has  been  a 
rising  of  slaves.  In  fact,  they  rise  every  morning 
very  early.  From  this  the  Tribune  report  of  a  negro 
insurrection  originated. 

I  formed  a  new  acquaintance  the  other  day,  my 
boy,  in  the  shape  of  the  Calcium  Light  Eegiment, 
which  is  now  ready  to  receive  a  few  more  recruits. 
The  Calcium  Light  Regiment  was  born  in  Boston, 
near  Bunker  Hill  Monument,  and  is  now  about  sixty- 
five  years  old.  He  has  become  greatly  demoralized 
from  going  without  his  rations  for  some  days  past, 
and  is  what  may  be  called  a  skeleton  regiment.  He 
says  that  if  he  goes  without  them  much  longer,  he'll 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  97 

soon  be  as  light  as  a  12-inch,  comet,  and  won't  need 
much  calcium  to  blind  the  enemy  to  his  presence. 
He's  very  light,  my  boy,  and  his  features  are  so 
sharp  that  he  might  be  used  to  spike  a  cannon  with. 
The  Calcium  Light  Kegiment  was  recruited  at  great 
expense  in  New  York,  and  went  into  camp  on  Biker's 
Island,  until  Secretary  Cameron  ordered  his  colonel 
to  bring  him  on  immediately  for  the  defence  of  Wash 
ington.  The  regiment  has  three  officers,  and  will 
elect  the  others  as  soon  as  his  voice  is  strong  enough. 
He  says  that  he  is  a  regiment  of  1,000  men  ;  he 
says  that  1,000  is  simply  the  figure  1  and  three  ci 
phers,  and  that  he  represents  the  1,  and  his  three 
officers  the  three  ciphers. 

I  believe  him,  my  boy  ! 

Villiam  Brown,  of  Kegiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade, 
asked  his  colonel  last  week  for  leave  to  go  to  New 
York  on  recruiting  service,  and  got  it.  He  came  back 
to-day,  and  says  the  colonel  to  him  : 

"  Where's  your  recruits  ?" 

Villiam  smiled  sweetly,  and  remarked  that  he  didn't 
see  it. 

"  Why,  you  went  to  New  York  on  recruiting  ser 
vice,  didn't  you  ?"  exclaimed  the  colonel. 

"Yes,"  says  Villiam,  "I  went  to  recruit  my 
health." 

The  colonel  immediately  administered  the  Oath  to 
9 


98  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

him.     The   Oath,  my   boy,  tastes  well  with   lemon 
in  it. 

The  women  of  America,  my  boy,  are  noble  crea 
tures,  and  do  not  forget  the  brave  soldiers  of  the 
Union.  They  have  just  sent  the  Mackerel  Brigade  a 
case  of  umbrellas,  and  we  expect  a  gross  of  hair-pins 
by  the  next  train.  Yours,  meditatively, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XIV. 

SHOWING  HOW  OUR  CORRESPONDENT  MADE  A  SPEECH  OF  VAGUE 
CONTINUITY,  AFTER  THE  MODEL  OF  THE  LATEST  APPROVED  STUMP 
ORATORY. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  September  30th,  1861. 

ANOTHER  week  has  fled  swiftly  by,  my  boy,  on 
those  wings  which  poets  and  other  long-haired  crea 
tures  suppose  to  be  eternally  flapping  through  the 
imaginary   atmosphere   of  time  ;    yet  the  high  old 
battle  so  long  expected  has  not  got  any  further  than 
"  heavy  firing  near  the  Chain  Bridge/'  which  takes 
place  every  afternoon  punctually  at  three  o'clock— just 
in  time  for  the  evening  papers.     I  have  been  think 
ing,  my  boy,  that  if  this  heavy  firing  in  the  vicinity 
of  Chain  Bridge  lasts  a  few  years  longer,  it  will  finally 
become  a  nuisance  to  the  First  Families  living  in  that 
vicinity.      But   sometimes  what   is   thought    to    be 
heavy  firing  is  not  that  exactly  ;   the  other  day,  a 
series  of  loud  explosions  were  heard  on  Arlington 
Heights,  and  twenty-four  reporters  immediately  tele 
graphed   to   twenty-four  papers   that   five   hundred 
thousand   rebels   had   attacked   our   lines  with   two 
thousand  rifled  cannon,  and  had  been  repulsed  with 


100  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

a  loss  of  fourteen  thousand  killed.  Federal  loss — 
one  killed,  and  two  committed  suicide.  But  when 
General  McClellan  came  to  inquire  into  the  cause  of 
the  explosions,  this  report  was  somewhat  modified  : 

"  What  was  that  firing  for  ?"  he  asked  an  orderly, 
who  had  just  come  over  the  river. 

"  If  you  please,  sir/'  responded  the  sagacious  ani 
mal,  "there  was  no  firing  at  all.  It  was  Villiam 
Brown,  of  Kegiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade,  which  has 
a  horrible  cold,  and  sneezes  in  that  way/' 

Villiam  has  since  been  ordered  to  telegraph  to  the 
War  Department  whenever  he  sneezes,  so  that  no 
more  of  these  harrowing  mistakes  may  be  made. 

Last  night,  my  boy,  an  old  rooster  from  Cattarau- 
gus,  who  wants  a  one-horse  post-office,  and  thinks 
I've  got  some  influence  with  Abe  the  Venerable, 
brought  six  big  Dutchmen  to  serenade  me  ;  and,  as 
soon  I  opened  the  window  to  damn  them,  he  called 
unanimously  for  a  speech.  At  this  time,  my  boy,  an 
immense  crowd,  consisting  of  two  policemen  and  a 
hackman,  were  drawn  to  the  spot,  and  greeted  me  with 
great  applause.  Feeling  that  their  intentions  were 
honorable,  I  could  not  bear  to  disappoint  my  fel 
low-citizens,  and  so  I  was  constrained  to  make  the 
following 

SPEECH. 

Men  of  America  : — It  is  with  feelings  akin  to  emo 
tion  that  I  regard  this  vast  assemblage  of  Nature's 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  101 

noblemen,  and  reflect  that  it  comes  to  do  honor  to 
me,  who  have  only  performed  my  duty.  Gentlemen, 
my  heart  is  full ;  as  the  poet  says  : 

"  The  night  shall  be  filled  with  burglars, 

And  tho  chaps  that  infest  the  day 
Shall  pack  up  their  duds  like  peddlers, 
And  carry  the  spoons  away." 

It  seems  scarcely  five  minutes  ago  that  this  vast 
and  otherwise  large  country  sprung  from  chaos  at 
the  call  of  Columbus,  and  immediately  commenced 
to  produce  wooden  nutmegs  for  a  foreign  shore.  It 
seems  but  three  seconds  ago  that  all  this  beautiful 
scene  was  a  savage  wild,  and  echoed  the  axe-falls  of 
the  sanguinary  pioneer,  and  the  footfalls  of  the  Last 
of  the  Mohicans.  Now  what  do  I  see  before  me  ? 
A  numerous  assembly  of  respectable  Dutchmen,  and 
other  Americans,  all  ready  to  prove  to  the  world  that 

"  Truth  crushed  to  earth  shall  rise  agaio, 
The  immortal  ears  of  jack  are  hers ; 
But  Sarah  languishes  in  pain 
And  dyes,  amid  her  worshipers." 

I  am  convinced,  fellow-citizens,  that  the  present 
outrageous  war  is  no  ordinary  row,  and  that  it  cannot 
be  brought  to  a  successful  termination  without  some 
action  on  the  part  of  the  Government.  If  to  believe 
that  a  war  cannot  rage  without  being  prosecuted,  is 
abolitionism,  then  I  am  an  abolitionist ;  if  to  believe 
that  a  good  article  of  black  ink  can  be  made  out  of 

9* 


102  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

black  men,  is  republicanism,  then  I  am  a  republican ; 
but  we  are  all  brothers  now,  except  that  fat  Dutch 
man,  who  has  gone  to  sleep  on  his  drum,  and  I  pro 
nounce  him  an  accursed  secessionist : 

"  How  doth  the  little  busy  beo 
Improve  each  shining  hour, 
And  gathers  beeswax  all  the  day, 
From  every  opening  flower." 

Men  of  America,  shall  these  things  longer  be  ? — I 
address  myself  particularly  to  that  artist  with  the 
accordeon,  who  don't  understand  a  word  of  English — • 
shall  these  things  longer  be  ?  That's  what  I  want  to 
know.  The  majestic  shade  of  Washington  listens 
for  an  answer,  and  I  intend  to  send  it  by  mail  as  soon 
as  I  receive  it.  Fellow  citizens,  it  can  no  longer  be 
denied  that  there  is  treason  at  our  very  hearthstones. 
Treason — merciful  Heavens  ! 

"  Come  rest  in  this  bosom,  my  own  little  dear, 

The  Honourable  R.  M.  T.  Hunter  is  here ; 

I  know  not,  I  care  not,  if  jilt's  in  that  heart, 

I  but  know  that  I  love  tuee,  whatever  thou  art." 

And  now  the  question  arises,  is  Merrill's  tariff  really 
a  benefit  to  the  country  ?  Gentlemen,  it  would  be 
unbecoming  in  me  to  answer  this  question,  and  you 
would  be  incapable  of  understanding  what  I  might 
say  on  the  subject.  The  present  is  no  time  to  think 
about  tariffs  :  our  glorious  country  is  in  danger,  and 
there  is  a  tax  of  three  per  cent,  on  all  incomes  over 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERll    PAPERS.  103 

eight  hundred  dollars.  Let  each  man  ask  himself  in 
Dutch  :  "  Am  I  prepared  to  shoulder  my  musket  if  I 
am  drafted,  or  to  procure  a  reprobate  to  take  my 
place  ?"  In  other  words  : 

"  The  minstrel  returned  from  the  war, 

With  insects  at  large  in  his  hair, 
And  having  a  tuneful  catarrh, 

He  sung  through  his  nose  to  his  fair." 

Therefore,  it  is  simply  useless  to  talk  reason  to  those 
traitors,  who  forget  the  words  of  Jackson — words,  let 
me  add,  which  I  myself  do  not  remember.  Animated 
by  an  unholy  lust  for  arsenals,  rifled  cannon,  and 
mints,  and  driven  to  desperation  by  the  thought  that 
Everett  is  preparing  a  new  Oration  on  Washington, 
and  Morris  a  new  song  on  a  young  woman  living  up 
the  Hudson  River,  they  are  overturning  the  altars  of 
their  country  and  issuing  treasury  bonds,  which  can 
not  be  justly  called  objects  of  interest.  What  words 
can  express  the  horrors  of  such  unnatural  crime  ? 

"  Oft  in  the  chilly  night, 

"When  slumber's  chains  have  bound  me, 
Soft  Mary  brings  a  light, 
And  puts  a  shawl  around  me." 

Such,  fellow-citizens,  is  the  condition  of  our  un 
happy  country  at  present,  and  as  soon  as  it  gets  any 
better  I  will  let  you  know.  An  Indian  once  asked  a 
white  man  for  a  drink  of  whisky.  "  No  !"  said  the 
man,  "  you  red  skins  are  just  ignorant  enough  to  ruin 


104  OKPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

yourselves  with  liquor."  The  sachein  looked  calmly 
into  the  eyes  of  the  insulter,  as  he  retorted  :  "  You 
say  I  am  ignorant.  How  can  that  be  when  I  am  a 
well-red  man  ?" 

And  so  it  is,  fellow-citizens,  with  this  Union  at 
present,  though  I  am  not  able  to  show  exactly  where 
the  parallel  is.  Therefore, 

"  Let  us  then  be  up  and  wooing, 

"With  a  heart  for  any  mate, 
Still  proposing,  still  pursuing, 
Learn  to  court  her,  and  to  wait." 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  unassuming  speech,  my 
boy,  I  was  waited  upon  by  a  young  man,  who  asked 
me  if  I  did  not  want  to  purchase  some  poetry  ;   he 
had  several  yards  to  sell,  and  warranted  it  to  wash. 
Yours,  particularly, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR, 


LETTER    XV. 

WHEREIN   WILL  BE  FOUND    THE    PARTICULARS    OF   A  VISIT    TO  A  SUS 
PECTED    NEWSPAPER   OFFICE,    AND   SO   ON. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  October  2d,  1861. 

THIS  is  a  time,  my  boy,  when  it  is  the  duty  of 
every  American  citizen  to  make  himself  into  a  com 
mittee  of  safety,  for  the  good  of  the  republic,  and 
make  traitors  smell  the  particular  thunder  of  national 
vengeance.  The  eagle,  my  boy,  has  spread  his  san 
guinary  wings  for  a  descent  upon  the  bantams  of 
secession  ;  and  if  we  permit  his  sublime  pinions  to 
be  burthened  with  the  shackles  of  domestic  sedition, 
we  are  guilty  of  that  which  we  do,  and  are  otherwise 
liable  to  the  charge  of  committing  that  which  we  per 
form.  These  thoughts  came  to  me  yesterday,  after  I 
had  taken  the  Oath  six  times,  and  so  overpowered  me 
that  I  again  took  the  Oath,  with  a  straw  in  it.  Just 
then  it  struck  me  that  the  Daily  Union,  published 
near  Alexandria,  ought  to  be  suppressed  for  its  trea 
son  ;  and  I  immediately  started  for  the  office,  with 
an  intention  to  offer  personal  violence  to  the  editor. 
I  found  him  examining  a  cigar  through  the  bottom 


106          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

of  a  tumbler,  whilst  on  the  desk  beside  him  lay  the 
first  "proof  "of 

THE   EDITOR'S  WOOING. 

"We  love  thee,  Ann  Maria  Smith, 

And  in  thy  condescension, 
We  see  a  future  full  of  joys 

Too  numerous  to  mention. 

There's  Cupid's  arrow  in  thy  glance, 

That  by  thy  love's  coercion 
Has  reached  our  melting  heart  of  hearts, 

And  asked  for  one  insertion. 

With  joy  we  feel  the  blissful  smart, 

And  ere  our  passion  ranges, 
We  freely  place  thy  love  upon 

The  list  of  our  exchanges. 

There's  music  in  thy  lowest  tone, 

And  silver  in  thy  laughter; 
And  truth— but  we  will  give  the  full 

Particulars  hereafter. 

Oh!    we  could  tell  thee  of  our  plans 

All  obstacles  to  scatter; 
But  we  are  full  just  now,  and  have 

A  press  of  other  matter. 

Then  let  us  marry,  Queen  of  Smiths, 

Without  more  hesitation; 
The  very  thought  doth  give  our  blood 

A  larger  circulation ! 

When  the  editor  noticed  my  presence,  he  scowled 
so  that  his  spectacles  dropped  off. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  107 

"  Ha,  my  fine  little  fellow,"  says  he,  hastily  ;  "  I 
don't  want  to  buy  any  poetry  to-day." 

"  Don't  fret  yourself,  my  venerable  cherub,"  says 
I ;  "  I  don't  deal  in  poetry  at  present.  I  just  came 
here  to  tell  you  that  if  you  don't  stop  writing  trea 
son,  I'll  suppress  you  in  the  name  of  the  United 
States." 

"  You're  a  mudsill  mob,"  says  he  ;  "  and  I  don't 
allow  no  violent  mobs  around  this  office.  I  am  an 
American  citizen,  and  I  won't  stand  no  mobs.  What 
does  the  Constitution  say  about  newspapers  ?  Why, 
the  Constitution  don't  say  anything  about  them  ;  so 
you've  got  no  Constitutional  authority  for  mobbing 
me." 

"  Then  take  the  Oath,"  says  I. 

He  looked  at  me  for  a  moment,  and  then  passed 
me  a  small  black  bottle.  I  held  it  up  over  my  eyes 
for  some  time,  to  see  if  it  was  perfectly  straight,  and 
he  remarked  that  if  all  Northerners  took  the  Oath  as 
freely  as  I  did,  they  must  be  a  water-proof  conglom 
eration  of  patriots.  I  believe  him,  my  boy ! 

The  Mackerel  Brigade  has  established  a  cookery 
department  for  itself,  and  is  using  a  stove  recently 
patented  by  the  colonel  of  Regiment  5.  This  stove 
is  a  miraculous  invention,  and  has  already  made  for 
tunes  for  six  cooks  and  a  scullion.  You  put  a  shil 
ling's  worth  of  wood  into  it,  which  first  cooks  your 
meat  and  then  turns  into  two  shilling's  worth  of  char- 


108          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

coal ;  so  you  make  a  shilling  every  time  you  kindle  a 
fire. 

Yesterday,  a  gentleman,  brought  up  to  the  oyster- 
trade,  and  who  has  made  several  voyages  on  the 
Brooklyn  ferry-boats,  exhibited  the  model  of  a  new 
gun-boat  to  the  Secretary  of  the  Navy.  He  said  its 
great  advantage  was  that  it  could  easily  be  taken  to 
pieces  ;  and  the  Secretary  was  just  going  to  order 
seventy-five  for  use  in  Central  Park,  when  it  leaked 
out  that  when  once  the  gun-boat  was  taken  to  pieces 
there  was  no  way  of  putting  it  together  again.  Only 
for  this,  my  boy,  we  might  have  a  gun-boat  in  every 
cistern.  Yours,  nautically, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   XVI. 

INTRODUCING    THE    GOTHIC    STEED,    PEGASUS,    AND    THE    REMARKABLE 
GERMAN  CAVALRY   FROM  THE  AVEST. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  October  Cth,  1861. 

THE  horse,  my  boy,  is  an  animal  in  which  I  have 
taken  a  deep  interest  ever  since  the  day  on  the  Union 
Course,  when  I  bet  ten  dollars  that  the  "  Pride  of 
the  Canal  "would  beat  "Lady  Clamcart,"  and  was 
compelled  to  leave  my  watch  with  Mr.  Simpson  on 
the  following  morning.  The  horse,  my  boy,  is  the 
swarthy  Arab's  bosom  friend,  the  red  Indian's  solitary 
companion,  and  the  circus  proprietor's  salvation.  One 
of  these  noble  animals  was  presented  to  me  last  week, 
by  an  old-maid  relative  whose  age  I  once  guessed  to 
be  "about  nineteen."  The  glorious  gift  was  accom 
panied  by  a  touching  letter,  my  boy  ;  she  honored 
my  patriotism,  and  the  self-sacrificing  spirit  that  had 
led  me  to  join  the  gallant  Mackerel  Brigade,  and  get 
a  furlough  as  soon  as  a  rebel  picket  appeared  ;  she 
loved  me  for  my  mother's  sake,  and  as  she  happened 
to  have  ten  shillings  about  her,  she  thought  she  would 
buy  a  horse  with  it  for  me.  Mine,  affectionately, 
Tabitha  Turnips. 

10 


110          ORPHEUS  C.  KEER  PAPERS. 

Ah,  woman  !  glorious  woman  !  what  should  we  do 
without  thee  ?  All  our  patriotism  is  but  the  inspi 
ration  of  thy  proud  love,  and  all  our  money  is  but  the 
few  shillings  left  after  thou  hast  got  through  buying 
new  bonnets.  Oh  !  woman— thoughtful  woman  !  the 
soldier  thanks  thee  for  sending  him  pies  and  cakes 
that  turn  sour  before  they  leave  New  York  ;  but,  for 
heaven's  sake  don't  send  any  more  havelocks,  or 
there'll  be  a  crisis  in  the  linen  market.  It's  a  com 
mon  thing  for  a  sentry  to  report  "  eighty  thousand 
more  havelocks  from  the  women  of  America  ;"  and 
then  you  ought  to  hear  the  Brigadier  of  the  Mackerel 
Brigade  cuss  !  "Jerusalem  !"  says  he,  "  if  any  more 
havelocks  come  this  afternoon,  tell  them  that  I've 
gone  out  and  won't  be  back  for  three  weeks.  Thun 
der  I"  says  he,  "  there's  enough  havelocks  in  this  here 
deadly  tented  field  to  open  a  brisk  trade  with  Europe, 
and  if  the  women  of  America  keep  on  sending  them, 
I'm  d — d  if  I  don't  start  a  night-cap  shop/'  The 
general  is  a  profane  patriarch,  my  boy,  and  takes  the 
Oath  hot.  The  Oath,  my  boy,  is  improved  by  nut 
meg  and  a  spoon. 

But  to  return  to  the  horse  which  woman's  generos 
ity  has  made  me  own — me  be-yuteous  steed.  The 
beast,  my  boy,  is  fourteen  hands  high,  fourteen  hands 
long,  and  his  sagacious  head  is  shaped  like  an  old- 
fashioned  pick-axe.  Viewed  from  the  rear,  his  style 
of  architecture  is  gothic,  and  he  has  a  gable-end,  to 


ORPHEUS    C.    KEKU    PAPERS.  Ill 

which  his  tail  is  attached.  His  eyes,  my  boy,  are  two 
pearls,  set  in  mahogany,  and  before  he  lost  his  sight, 
they  were  said  to  be  brilliant.  I  rode  down  to 
the  Patent  Office,  the  other  day,  and  left  him 
leaning  against  a  post,  while  I  went  inside  to 
transact  some  business.  Pretty  soon  the  Commis 
sioner  of  Patents  came  tearing  in  like  mad,  and 
says  he : 

"  I'd  like  to  know  whether  this  is  a  public  building 
belonging  to  the  United  States,  or  a  second-hand 
auction- shop." 

"What  mean  you,  sirrah  ?"  I  asked  majesti 
cally. 

"  I  mean/'  says  he,  "  that  some  enemy  to  his  coun 
try  has  gone  and  stood  an  old  mahogany  umbrella- 
stand  right  in  front  of  this  office/' 

To  the  disgrace  of  his  species  be  it  said,  my  boy, 
he  referred  to  the  spirited  and  fiery  animal  for  which 
I  am  indebted  to  woman's  generosity.  I  admit  that 
when  seen  at  a  distance,  the  steed  somewhat  resem 
bles  an  umbrella-stand  ;  but  a  single  look  into  his 
pearly  eyes  is  enough  to  prove  his  relations  with  the 
animal  kingdom. 

I  have  named  him  Pegasus,  in  honor  of  Tupper, 
and  when  I  mount  him,  Villiam  Brown,  of  Com 
pany  3,  Regiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade,  says  that  I 
remind  him  of  Santa  Glaus  sitting  astride  the  roof  of 
a  small  gothic  cottage,  holding  on  by  the  chimney. 


112  ORPHEUS    C.   KEER   PAPERS. 

Villiam  is  becoming  rather  too  familiar,  my  boy,  and 
I  hope  he'll  be  shot  at  an  early  day. 

Yesterday  the  army  here  was  reenforced  with  a 
regiment  of  fat  German  cavalry  from  the  West,  under 
the  command  of  Colonel  Wobert  Wobinson,  who  has 
had  great  experience  in  keeping  a  livery-stable.  Their 
animals  are  well  calculated  to  turn  the  point  of  a 
sword,  and  are  of  the  high-backed  fluted  pattern, 
very  glossy  at  the  joints.  I  saw  one  of  the  dragoons 
cracking  nuts  on  the  backbone  of  the  Arabian  he  rode, 
and  asked  him  about  how  much  such  an  animal  was 
worth  without  the  fur  ?  He  considered  for  a  moment 
and  then  remarked  that  nix  fustay  and  dampfnoodle, 
though  many  believed  that  swei  glass  und  sweitzer- 
kase  ;  but  upon  the  whole,  it  was  nix  cumarouse  and 
apple-dumplings,  notwithstanding  the  fact  thatyawpy, 
yawpy,  betterish.  Singular  to  relate,  my  boy,  I  had 
arrived  at  the  very  same  conclusion  before  I  asked 
him  the  question. 

Colonel  Wobert  Wobinson  reviewed  the  regiment 
near  Chain  Bridge  this  morning,  and  each  horse  used 
about  an  acre  to  turn  around  in.  Just  before  the 
order  to  "  charge"  was  given,  the  orderly  sergeant 
kindled  a  fire  under  each  horse,  and  when  the  charge 
commenced,  only  about  six  of  the  animals  laid  down. 
Colonel  Wobinson  remarked  that  these  six  horses  were 
in  favor  of  peace,  and  refused  to  fight  against  their 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.          113 

Southern  brethren.  I  told  him  I  thought  that  the 
peace  breed  had  longer  ears  ;  and  he  said  that  that 
kind  had  been  very  scarce  since  the  Government  com 
menced  appointing  its  foreign  consuls. 

Yours,  hoarsely, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 

10* 


LETTER   XVII. 

NOTING  A  NEW  VICTORY  OF  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE  IN  VIRGINIA, 
AND  ILLUSTRATING  THE  PECULIAR  THEOLOGY  OF  VILLIAM  BROWN; 
WITH  SOME  MENTION  OF  THE  SHARP-SHOOTERS. 

"WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  October  18th,  1S61. 

AT  an  early  hour  yesterday  morning,  while  yet  the 
dew  was  on  the  grass,  and  on  everything  else  green 
enough  to  be  out  at  that  matinal  hour,  my  boy,  I 
saddled  my  gothic  steed  Pegasus,  and  took  a  trot  for 
the  benefit  of  my  health.  Having  eaten  a  whole 
straw  bed  and  a  piece  of  an  Irishman's  shoulder  dur 
ing  the  night,  my  architectural  beast  was  in  great 
spirits,  my  boy,  and  as  he  snuffed  the  fresh  air  and 
unfurled  the  remnants  of  his  warlike  tail  to  the  breeze 
of  heaven,  I  was  reminded  of  that  celebrated  Arabian 
steed  which  had  such  a  contempt  for  the  speed  of  all 
other  horses  that  he  never  would  run  with  them — in 
fact,  my  boy,  he  never  would  run  at  all. 

Having  struck  a  match  on  that  rib  of  Pegasus  which 
was  most  convenient  to  my  hand,  I  lit  a  cigar,  and 
dropped  the  match,  still  burning,  into  the  right  ear 
of  my  fiery  charger.  Something  of  this  kind  is  always 
necessary  to  make  the  sagacious  animal  start  ;  but 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  115 

when  once  I  get  his  mettle  up  he  never  stops,  unless 
he  happens  to  hear  some  crows  cawing  in  the  air  just 
ahove  his  venerable  head.  I  am  frequently  glad  that 
Pegasus  has  lost  his  eyesight,  my  boy  :  for  could  he 
see  the  expression  on  the  faces  of  some  of  these  same 
crows,  when  they  get  near  enough  to  squint  along  his 
backbone,  it  would  wound  his  sensibilities  fearfully. 

On  this  occasion  he  carried  me,  at  a  speed  of  2.40 
hours  a  mile,  to  a  point  just  this  side  of  Alexandria, 
where  the  sound  of  heavy  cannonading  and  cursing 
made  me  pause.  At  first,  my  boy,  I  remembered  an 
engagement  I  had  in  Washington,  and  was  about  to 
hasten  back  ;  but  while  I  was  pressing  the  lighted  end 
of  my  cigar  to  the  side  of  Pegasus,  to  make  him  turn, 
Colonel  Wobert  Wobinson,  of  the  Western  Cavalry, 
came  walking  toward  me  from  a  piece  of  woods  on  my 
right,  and  informed  me  that  ten  of  his  men  had  just 
been  attacked  by  fourteen  thousand  rebels,  with 
twenty  columbiads.  "  The  odds/'  says  he,  "  is  rather 
heavy  ;  but  our  cause  is  the  noblest  the  world  ever 
knew,  and  if  my  brave  boys  do  not  vanquish  the  un 
natural  foe,  an  indignant  and  decimated  people  will 
at  once  call  upon  the  Cabinet  to  resign." 

I  told  him  that  I  thought  I  had  read  something 
like  that  in  the  Tribune  ;  but  he  didn't  seem  to 
hear  me. 

By  this  time  the  cannonading  had  commenced  to 
subside,  and  as  I  trotted  alongside  of  Colonel  Wob- 


116          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

inson  toward  the  field  of  battle,  I  asked  him  what  he 
had  done  with  his  horse.  He  replied,  that  while  on 
his  way  to  the  field,  his  sagacious  beast  had  observed 
a  hay-stack,  and  was  so  entranced  with  the  vision 
that  he  refused  to  go  a  step  further  ;  so  he  had  to 
leave  him  there. 

Upon  reaching  the  scene  of  strife,  my  boy,  we  dis 
covered  that  the  ten  Western  Cavalry  men  had  routed 
the  rebels,  killing  four  regiments,  which  were  all  car 
ried  away  by  their  comrades,  and  capturing  six 
columbiads,  which  were  also  carried  away.  On  our 
side  nobody  was  killed  nor  wounded.  In  fact,  two  of 
our  men,  who  went  into  the  fight  sick  with  the  mea 
sles,  were  entirely  cured,  and  captured  four  good 
surgeons.  I  must  state,  however,  my  boy,  that  al 
though  nobody  was  killed  or  wounded  on  our  side, 
there  was  one  man  missing.  It  seems  that  when  he 
found  the  balls  flying  pretty  thickly  about  his  ears,  ho 
formed  himself  into  a  hollow-square,  my  boy,  and 
retreated  in  good  order  into  the  neighboring  bushes. 
He  formed  himself  into  a  hollow-square  by  bending 
gently  forward  until  his  hands  touched  the  ground, 
and  made  his  retrograde  movement  on  all-fours. 
Colonel  Wobinson  remarked  that  this  style  of  forming 
a  hollow-square  was  an  intensely-immense  thing  on 
Hardee. 

I  believe  him,  my  boy  ! 

The  women  of  America,  my  boy,  are  a  credit  to 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  117 

the  America  eagle,  and  a  great  expense  to  their  hus 
bands  and  fathers,  but  they  don't  exactly  understand 
the  most  pressing  wants  of  the  soldier.  For  instance, 
a  young  girl,  about  seventy-five  years  of  age,  has 
been  sending  ten  thousand  pious  tracts  to  the  Mack 
erel  Brigade,  and  the  consequence  is,  that  the  air 
around  the  camp  has  been  full  of  spit-balls  for  a 
week.  These  tracts,  my  boy,  are  very  good  for  dying 
sinners  and  other  Southerners,  but  I'd  rather  have 
Bulwer's  novels  for  general  reading.  Villiam  Brown, 
of  Company  3,  Regiment  5,  got  one  of  them  the  other 
day,  headed,  "  Who  is  your  Father  ?"  The  noble 
youth  read  the  question  over  once  or  twice,  and  then 
dashed  the  publication  to  the  ground,  and  took  some 
tobacco  to  check  his  emotions.  (That  brave  youth's 
father,  my  boy,  is  a  disgrace  to  his  species  ;  he  has 
been  sinking  deeper  and  deeper  in  shame  for  some 
months  past,  until  at  last  his  name  has  got  on  the 
Mozart  Hall  ticket.)  I  saw  that  Villiam  didn't  un 
derstand  what  the  tract  really  meant,  and  so  I  ex 
plained  to  him  that  it  was  intended  to  signify  that 
God  was  his  Father.  The  gifted  young  soldier  looked 
at  me  dreamily  for  a  moment,  and  then  says  he  : 

"God  is  my  Father!"  says  he.  "Well,  now  I 
am  hanged  if  that  ain't  funny  ;  for,  whenever  mother 
spoke  of  dad,  she  always  called  him  ( the  old  devil !'" 

Villiam  never  went  to  Sabbath- school,  my  boy,  and 


118  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

his  knowledge  of  theology  wouldn't  start  a  country- 
church. 

Wishing  to  find  out  if  he  knew  anything  about 
catechism,  I  asked  him;  last  Sunday  afternoon,  if  he 
knew  who  Moses  was. 

"  Yes/'  says  he,  "  I  know  him  very  well  ;  he  sells 
old  clothes  in  Chatham  street." 

I  went  over  to  Virginia  the  other  day  to  review 
Berdan's  Sharpshooters,  and  was  much  astonished, 
my  boy,  at  their  wonderful  skill  with  the  rifle.  The 
target  is  a  little  smaller  than  the  side  of  a  barn,  with 
a  hole  through  the  centre  exactly  the  size  of  a  bullet. 
They  set  this  up,  my  boy,  just  six  hundred  yards 
away,  and  fire  at  it  in  turn.  After  sixty  of  them  had 
fired,  I  went  with  them  to  the  target,  but  couldn't  see 
that  it  had  been  hit  by  a  single  bullet.  I  remarked 
this  to  the  captain,  whereupon  he  looked  pityingly  at 
me,  and  says  he  : 

"  Do  you  see  that  hole  in  the  bull's  eye,  ^ust  the 
size  of  a  bullet  ?" 

I  allowed  that  I  did. 

"Well,"  says  he,  "the  bullets  all  went  through 
that  hole." 

Now  I  don't  mean  to  say  that  the  captain  lied,  my 
boy  ;  but  it's  my  opinion — my  private  opinion,  my 
boy,  that  if  he  ever  writes  a  work  of  fiction,  it  will 
sell  ! 

La  Mountain  has  been  up  in  his  balloon,  and  went 


ORPHEUS  c.  KERR  PAPERS.  119 

so  high  that  he  could  see  all  the  way  to  the  Gulf  of 
Mexico,  and  observe  what  they  had  for  dinner  at  Fort 
Pickens.  He  made  discoveries  of  an  important  char 
acter,  my  boy,  and  says  that  the  rebels  have  concen 
trated  several  troops  at  Manassas.  A  reporter  of  the 
Tribune  asked  him  if  he  could  see  any  negro  insurrec 
tions,  and  he  said  that  he  did  see  some  black  spots 
moving  around  near  South  Carolina,  but  found  out 
afterward  that  they  were  some  ants  which  had  got 
into  his  telescope. 

The  Prince  de  Joinville's  two  sons,  my  boy,  are 
admirable  additions  to  General  McClellan's  staff,  and 
speak  English  so  well  that  I  can  almost  understand 
what  they  say.  Two  Arabs  are  expected  here  to 
morrow  to  take  command  of  Irish  brigades,  and 
General  Blenker  will  probably  have  two  Aztecs  to 
assist  him  in  his  German  division. 

Yours,  musingly, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XVIII. 

DESCRIBING   THE    TERRIBLE    DEATH   AND    MYSTERIOUS    DISAPPEARANCE 
OF   A    CONFEDERATE    PICKET,    WITH   A   TRIBUTE   TO   HIS    MEMORY. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  October  2Sth,  1861. 

MY  head  swells  with  patriotic  pride  when  I  casually 
remark  that  the  Mackerel  Brigade  occupy  the  post  of 
honor  to  the  left  of  Bull  Bun,  which  they  also  left 
on  the  day  we  celebrated.  The  banner  which  was 
presented  to  us  by  the  women  of  America,  and  which 
it  took  the  orator  of  the  day  six  hours  and  forty  min 
utes  to  describe  to  us,  we  are  using  in  the  shape  of 
blazing  neck- ties  ;  and  when  the  hard-up  sun  of  Vir 
ginia  shines  upon  the  glorious  red  bands  around  the 
sagacious  necks  of  our  veterans,  they  all  look  as 
though  they  had  just  cut  their  throats.  The  effect  is 
gory,  my  boy — extremely  gory  and  respectable. 

At  the  special  request  of  Secretary  Seward,  who 
wrote  six  letters  about  it  to  the  Governors  of  all  the 
States,  I  have  been  appointed  a  picket  of  the  army  of 
the  Upper  Potomac.  In  your  natural  ignorance,  my 
boy,  you  may  not  know  why  a  man  is  called  a  picket. 
He  is  called  a  picket,  my  boy,  because,  if  anybody 
drops  a  pocket-book  or  a  watch  anywhere,  his  natural 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERB    PAPERS.  121 

gifts  would  cause  him  to  pick-it  up.  If  he  saw  a 
pocket,  he  would  not  pick-it — oh,  no  !  But  pick-it — 
picket. 

The  Picket,  my  boy,  has  been  an  institution  ever 
since  wars  began,  and  his  perils  are  spoken  of  by  some 
of  the  high  old  poets  in  these  beautiful  lines  : 

"  The  chap  thy  tactics  doom  to  bleed  to-day — 
Had  he  thy  reasons,  would  he  poker  play  ? 
Pleased  to  the  last,  he  does  a  deal  of  good, 
And  licks  the  man  just  sent  to  shed  his  blood.1' 

I  am  weeping,  my  boy. 

While  on  my  lonely  beat,  about  an  hour  ago,  a 
light  tread  attracted  my  attention,  and  looking  up, 
I  beheld  one  of  secesh's  pickets  standing  before  me. 

"  Soldier/'  says  he,  "  you  remind  me  of  my  grand 
mother,  who  expired  before  I  was  born  ;  but  this  un 
natural  war  has  made  us  enemies,  and  I  must  shoot 
you.  Give  me  a  chaw  terbacker." 

He  was  a  young  man,  my  boy,  in  the  prime  of  life, 
and  descended  from  the  First  Families  of  Virginia. 

I  looked  at  him,  and  says  I  : 

"  Let's  compromise,  my  brother." 

"  Never  !"  says  he.  "  The  South  is  fighting  for  her 
liberty,  her  firesides,  and  the  pursuit  of  happiness,  and 
I  desire  most  respectfully  to  welcome  you  with  bloody 
hands  to  a  hospitable  grave." 

"  Stand  off  ten  paces,"  says  I,  "  and  let's  see  whose 
name  shall  come  before  the  coroner  first." 

6 


122  OEPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

He  took  his  place,  and  we  fired  simultaneously.  I 
heard  a  ball  go  whistling  by  a  barn  about  a  quarter 
of  a  mile  on  my  right ;  and,  when  the  smoke  cleared 
away,  I  saw  the  secesh  picket  approaching  me  with 
an  awful  expression  of  woe  on  his  otherwise  dirty 
countenance. 

"  Soldier/'  says  he,  "  was  there  anything  in  my 
head  before  you  fired  ?" 

"  Nothing/'  says  I,  "  save  a  few  harmless  insects." 

"  I  speak  not  of  them/'  says  he.  "Was  there  any 
thing  inside  of  my  head  ?" 

"Nothing  !"  says  I. 

."  Well/'  says  he,  "just  listen  now." 

He  shook  his  head  mournfully,  and  I  heard  some 
thing  rattle  in  it. 

"  What's  that  ?"  I  exclaimed. 

"  That,"  says  he,  "  is  your  bullet,  which  has  pene 
trated  my  skull,  and  is  rolling  about  in  my  brain.  I 
die  happy,  and  with  an  empty  stomach  ;  but  there  is 
one  thing  I  should  like  to  see  before  I  perish  for  my 
country.  Have  you  a  quarter  about  you  ?" 

Too  much  affected  to  speak,  I  drew  the  coin  from 
my  pocket  and  handed  it  to  him. 

The  dying  man  clutched  it  convulsively,  and  stared 
at  it  feverishly. 

"  This,"  said  he,  "  is  the  first  quarter  I've  seen 
since  the  fall  of  Sumter  ;  and,  had  I  wounded  you,  I 
should  have  been  totally  unable  to  give  you  any  quar- 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  123 

ter.  Ah  !  how  beautiful  it  is  !  how  bright,  how  ex 
quisite,  and  good  for  four  drinks  !  But  I  have  not 
time  to  say  all  I  feel." 

The  expiring  soldier  then  laid  down  his  gun,  hung 
his  cap  and  overcoat  on  a  branch  of  a  tree,  and  blew 
his  nose. 

He  then  died. 

And  there  I  stood,  my  boy,  on  that  lonely  beat, 
looking  down  on  that  fallen  type  of  manhood,  and 
thinking  how  singular  it  was  he  had  forgotten  to  give 
me  back  my  quarter. 

As  I  looked  upon  him  there,  I  could  not  help  think 
ing  to  myself,  "  here  is  another  whose  home  shall 
know  him  no  more." 

The  sight  and  the  thought  so  affected  me,  that  I 
was  obliged  to  turn  my  back  on  the  corpse  and  walk 
a  little  way  from  it.  When  I  returned  to  the  spot, 
the  body  was  gone  !  Had  it  gone  to  Heaven  ? 
Perhaps  so,  my  boy — perhaps  so  ;  but  I  hav'n't  seen 
my  quarter  since. 

Your  own  picket, 

ORPHEUS  0.  KERR. 


LETTER    XIX. 

NOTICING  THE  ARKIVAL  OF  A  SOLID  BOSTON  MAN  WITH  AN  UNPRE 
CEDENTED  LITERARY  PRIZE,  AND  SHOWING  HOW  VILLIAM  BROWN 
WAS  TRIUMPHANTLY  PROMOTED. 

"WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  November  — ,  1861. 

HAVING  just  made  a  luscious  breakfast,  my  boy, 
on  some  biscuit  discovered  amid  the  ruins  of  Hercu- 
laneum,  and  purchased  expressly  for  the  grand  army 
by  a  contracting  agent  for  the  Government,  I  take  a 
sip  of  coffee  from  the  very  boot  in  which  it  was 
warmed,  and  hasten  to  pen  my  dispatch. 

On  Wednesday  morning,  my  boy,  the  army  here  was 
reenforced  by  a  very  fat  man  from  Boston,  who  said 
he'd  been  used  to  Beacon  street  all  the  days  of  his  life, 
and  considered  the  State  House  somewhat  superior  to 
St.  Peter's  at  Rome.  He  was  a  very  fat  man,  my  boy: 
eight  hands  high,  six  and  a  half  hands  thick,  and  his 
head  looked  like  a  full  moon  sinking  in  the  west  at 
five  o'clock  in  the  morning.  He  said  he  joined  the 
army  to  fight  for  the  Union,  and  cure  his  asthma,  and 
Colonel  Wobert  Wobinson  thoughtfully  remarked, 
that  he  thought  he  could  grease  a  pretty  long  bayonet 
without  feeling  uncomfortable.  This  fat  man,  my 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  125 

boy,  was  leaning  down  to  clean  his  boots  just  outside 
of  a  tent,  when  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade 
happened  to  come  along,  and  got  a  back  view  of 
him. 

"  Thunder  !"  says  the  general,  stopping  short  ; 
"  who's  been  sending  artillery  into  camp  ?" 

"  There's  no  artillery  here,  my  boy,"  says  I. 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  then  what's  the  gun-carriage 
doing  here  ?" 

I  explained  to  him  that  what  he  took  for  a  gun- 
carriage  was  a  fat  patriot  blacking  his  boots  ;  and  he 
said  that  he  be  dam. 

Soon  after  the  arrival  of  this  solid  Boston  man,  my 
boy,  I  noticed  that  he  always  carried  about  with  him, 
suspended  by  a  strap  under  his  right  arm,  something 
carefully  wrapped  in  oilskin.  He  was  sitting  with  me 
in  my  room  at  Willard's  the  other  evening,  and  says 
I  to  him  : 

"What's  that  you  hug  so  much,  my  Plymouth 
Rocker  ?" 

He  nervously  clutched  his  treasure,  and  says  he  : 

"It's  an  unpublished  poem  of  the  Honorable 
Edward,  which  I  found  in  a  very  old  album  in  Beacon 
street.  It's  an  immortal  and  unpublished  poem," 
says  he,  fondly  taking  a  roll  of  manuscript  from  the 
oilskin  wrapper, — "  by  the  greatest  and  most  silent 
statesman  of  the  age.  You'll  recognize  the  style  at 
once. — Listen — 


126  ORPHEUS    C.   KERB   PAPERS. 

ADVICE   TO  A  MAID. 

Perennial  maiden,  thou  art  no  less  fair 
Than  those  whose  fairness  barely  equals  thine ; 
And  like  a  cloud  on  Athos  is  thy  hair, 
Touched  with  Promethean  fire  to  make  it  shine 
Above  the  temple  of  a  soul  divine ; 
And  yet,  methinks,  it  doth  resemble,  too, 
The  strands  Berenice  'mid  the  stars  doth  twine, 
As  Mitchell's  small  Astronomy  doth  show ; 
Procure  the  book,  dear  maid,  when  to  the  town  you  go. 

Young  as  thou  art,  thou  might'st  be  younger  still, 
If  divers  years  were  taken  from  thy  life : 
And  who  shall  say,  if  marry  man  you  will, 
You  may  not  prove  some  man's  own  wedded  wife  ? 
Such  things  do  happen  in  this  worldly  strife, 
If  they  take  place — that  is,  if  they  are  done ; 
For  with  warm  love  this  earthly  dream  is  rife — 
And  where  love  shines  there  always  is  a  sun— 
As  I  remark  in  my  Oration  upon  Washington. 

Supposing  thou  dost  marry,  thou  wilt  yearn 
For  that  which  thou  dost  want ;  in  fact,  desire — 
The  wisdom  shaped  for  older  heads  to  learn, 
And  well  designed  to  tame  Youth's  giddy  fire : 
The  wisdom,  conflicts  with  the  world  inspire, 
Such  as,  perchance,  I  may  myself  possess, 
Though  I  am  but  a  man,  as  was  my  sire, 
And  own  not  wisdom  such  as  gods  may  bless ; 
For  man  is  naught,  and  naught  is  nothingness. 

Still,  I  may  tell  thee  all  that  I  do  know, 
And  telling  that,  tell  all  I  comprehend; 
Since  all  man  hath  is  all  that  he  can  show, 
And  what  he  hath  not,  is  not  his  to  lend. 
Therefore,  young  maid,  if  you  will  but  attend, 
You  shall  hear  that  which  shall  salute  your  ear ; 
But  if  you  list  not,  I  my  breath  shall  spend 
Upon  the  zephyrs  wandering  there  and  here, 
The  far-off  hearing  less,  perhaps,  than  those  more  near. 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  127 

Remember  this :  thou  art  thy  husband's  wife, 
And  he  the  mortal  thou  art  married  to ; 
Else,  thou  fore'er  hadst  led  a  single  life, 
And  he  had  never  come  thy  heart  to  woo. 
Rememb'ring  this,  do  thou  remember,  too, 
He  is  thy  bridegroom,  thou  his  chosen  bride; 
And  if  unto  his  side  thou  provest  true, 
Then  thou  wilt  bo  for  ever  at  his  side ; 
As  Tacitus  observes,  with  some  degree  of  pride. 

See  that  his  buttons  to  his  shirts  adhere, 
As  Trojan  Hector  to  the  walls  of  Troy  ; 
And  see  that  not,  Achilles-like,  appear 
Rents  in  his  stocking-heels ;  but  be  your  joy 
To  have  his  wardrobe  all  your  thoughts  employ, 
Save  such  deep  thought  as  may,  in  duty  given, 
Suit  to  his  tastes  his  dinners ;  nor  annoy 
Digestion's  tenor  in  its  progress  even ; 
Then  his  the  joy  of  Harvard,  Boston,  and  high  HeaveJ 

If  a  .bread-pudding  thou  wouldst  fondly  make — 
A  thing  nutritious,  but  no  costly  meal — 
Of  bread  that's  stale  a  due  proportion  take, 
And  soak  in  water  warm  enough  to  feel ; 
Then  add  a  strip  or  two  of  lemon-peel, 
"With  curdled  milk  and  raisins  to  your  taste, 
And  stir  the  whole  with  ordinary  zeal, 
Until  the  mass  becomes  a  luscious  paste. 
Such  pudding  strengthens  man,  and  doth  involve  no  waste. 

"    See  thou  thy  husband's  feet  are  never  wet — 

For  wet  brings  cold,  and  colds  such  direful  aches 

As  old  Parrhasius  never  felt  when  set 

On  cruel  racks  or  slow  impaling  stakes. 

Make  him  abstain,  if  sick,  from  griddle-cakes — 

They,  being  rich,  his  stomach  might  derange — 

And  if  in  thin-soled  shoes  a  walk  he  takes, 

See  that  his  stockings  he  doth  quickly  change. 
Thus  should  thy  woman's  love  through  woman's  duties  range. 


128  OEPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

And  now,  fair  maiden,  all  the  stars  grow  pale, 
And  teeming  Nature  drinks  the  morning  dews ; 
And  I  must  hasten  to  my  Orient  vale, 
And  quick  put  on  a  pair  of  over-shoes. 
If  from  my  words  your  woman's  heart  may  choose 
To  find  a  guidance  for  a  future  way, 
The  Olympian  impulse  and  the  lyric  muse 
In  such  approval  shall  accept  their  pay. 
And  so,  good-day,  young  girl — ah  me !  oh  my !  good-day. 

EDWARD  EVERDEVOURED. 

As  the  solid  Boston  man  finished  reading  this  use 
ful  poem,  he  looked  impressively  at  me,  and  says  he  : 

"  There's  domestic  eloquence  for  you  !  The  Hon 
orable  Edward  is  liberal  in  his  views/'  says  he,  en 
thusiastically,  "  and  treats  his  subject  with  some  lati 
tude." 

"Yes,"  says  I,  thoughtfully,  "but  they  call  it 
Platitude,  sometimes." 

He  didn't  hear  me,  my  boy. 

It  is  with  raptures,  my  boy,  that  I  record  the  pro 
motion  of  Villiam  Brown,  Company  3,  Kegiment  5, 
Mackerel  Brigade,  to  the  rank  of  Captain,  with  the 
privilege  of  spending  half  his  time  in  New  York,  and 
the  rest  of  it  on  Broadway.  Villiam  left  the  army 
of  the  Upper  Potomac  to  pass  his  examination  here, 
and  the  Board  of  Examiners  report  that  he  reminded 
them  of  Napoleon,  and  made  them  feel  sorry  for  the 
Duke  of  Wellington.  One  of  the  questions  they 
asked  him  was  : 

"  Suppose  your  company  was  suddenly  surrounded 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  129 

by  a  regiment  of  the  enemy,  and  you  had  a  precipice 
in  your  rear,  and  twenty-seven  hostile  batteries  in 
front — what  would  you  do  ?" 

Villiam  thought  a  moment,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  I'd  resign  my  commission,  and  write  to  my  mother 
that  I  was  coming  home  to  die  in  the  spring-time." 

"Sensible  patriot,"  says  the  Board.  "Are  you 
familiar  with  the  history  of  General  Scott  ?" 

"  You  can  bet  on  it,"  says  Villiam,  smiling  like  a 
sagacious  angel ;  "  General  Scott  was  born  in  Vir 
ginia  when  he  was  quite  young,  and  discovered  Scot 
land  at  an  early  age.  He  licked  the  British  in  1812, 
wrote  the  Waverly  Novels,  and  his  son  Whahae  bled 
with  Wallace.  Now,  old  hoss,  trot  out  your  com 
mission  and  let's  liquor." 

"Pause,  fair  youth,"  says  the  Board.  "What 
makes  you  think  that  General  Scott  had  a  son  named 
'  Whahae'  ?  We  never  heard  that  before." 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  agreeably,  "  that's  because 
you  don't  know  poickry.  Why,"  says  Villiam,  "if 
you'll  just  turn  to  Burns'  works,  you'll  learn  that 

"  '  Scot's  wha'  ha'e  wi'  Wallace  bled,' 

and  if  that  ain't  good  authority,  where's  your  Shaks- 
peare  ?" 

The  Board  was  so  pleased  with  Villiam's  learning, 
ray  boy,  that  it  gave  him  his  commission,  presented 
him  with  two  gun-boats  and  a  cannon,  and  recom- 


130  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

mended  him  for  President  of  the  New  York  Histor 
ical  Society. 

It  was  rumored  in  camp  last  night,  that  the  army 
would  go  into  winter-quarters,  and  I  asked  Colonel 
'  Wobinson  if  he  couldn't  lend  me  a  few  of  the  quarters 
in  advance,  as  I  felt  like  going  in  right  away.  He 
explained  to  me  that  winter-quarters  would  only  be 
taken  in  exchange  for  Treasury  Notes,  and  I  with 
drew  my  proposition  for  a  popular  loan. 

Yours,  speculative!?, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XX. 

CONCERNING   A.   SIGNIFICANT    BRITISH    OUTRAGE,    AND    THE   CAPTURE   OF 
MASON   AND    SLIDELL. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  November  24th,  1861. 

MR.  SEWARD,  my  boy,  who  takes  the  Oath  with 
much  sugar  in  it,  and  is  likewise  Secretary  of  State, 
will  probably  write  twenty-four  letters  to  all  the 
Governors  this  week,  in  consequence  of  a  recent  out 
rage  committed  by  Great  Britain.  I  may  remark 
with  great  indignation,  that  Great  Britain  is  a  mem 
ber  of  one  of  the  New  York  regiments,  my  boy,  and 
enlisted  for  the  express  purpose  of  stretching  his  legs. 
He  is  shaped  something  like  a  barrel  of  ale,  and  has  a 
chin  that  looks  like  an  apple-dumpling  with  a  stitch 
in  its  side.  As  I  rode  slowly  along  near  Fort  Corco 
ran,  on  my  Gothic  steed  Pegasus,  about  an  hour  ago, 
admiring  the  beauties  of  Nature,  and  smoking  a  pipe 
which  was  presented  to  me  by  the  Women  of  Amer 
ica,  I  espied  Great  Britain  seated  by  the  roadside, 
contemplating  an  army  biscuit.  These  biscuit,  my 
boy,  as  I  stated  last  week,  were  discovered  amid  the 
ruins  of  Herculaneum,  and  were  at  first  taken  for 
meteoric  stones. 


132  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

"  Good  morning,  old  Neutrality/'  says  I,  affably, 
"  You  appear  to  be  lost  in  religious  meditation." 

"Ah  !"  says  he,  sighing  like  the  great  behemoth  of 
the  Scriptures,  "  I  was  thinking  of  the  way  of  the 
transgressor.  If  the  hinspired  writers,"  says  he, 
"  thought  the  way  of  the  transgressor  was  'ard,  I 
wonder  what  they'd  think  about  this  'ere  biscuit." 

"You're  jealous  of  America/'  says  I,  "and  it  will 
be  the  painful  duty  of  the  Union,  the  Constitution, 
and  the  Enforcement  of  the  Law  to  capture  Canada, 
if  you  continue  your  abolition  harangues  against  the 
best,  the  most  beneficent  and  powerful  bread  in  the 
civilized  world." 

"  Bread  !"  says  he,  with  a  groan  in  three  syllables, 
"  do  you  call  this  ere  biscuit  bread  ?  Why,"  says  he, 
"this  ere  biscuit  is  Geology,  and  if  it  were  in  old 
Hingland,  it  would  be  taken  for  one  of  the  Elgin 
marbles,  and  placed  in  the  British  Museum." 

I  need  scarcely  inform  you,  my  boy,  that  after  this 
ungenerous  remark  of  Great  Britain,  I  left  him  con 
temptuously,  and  at  once  proceeded  to  blockade  a 
place  where  the  Oath  is  furnished  in  every  style. 
We  have  borne  with  Great  Britain  a  great  while, 
my  boy  ;  but  it  is  now  time  for  us  to  take  Canada, 
and  wipe  every  vestige  of  British  tyranny  from  the 
face  of  the  Globe.  The  American  eagle,  my  boy, 
flaps  his  dark  wings  over  the  red-head  of  battle,  and 
as  his  scarlet  eyes  rest  for  a  moment  on  the  English 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  133 

Custom  House,  he  softly  whispers — he  simply  remarks 
— he  merely  ejaculates — GORE  ! 

Americans !  fellow-citizens  !  foreigners  !  and  people 
of  Boston  !  Shall  we  longer  allow  the  bloated  British 
aristocracy  to  blight  us  with  base  abolition  procliv 
ities,  while  Mr.  Seward  is  capable  of  holding  a  pen  ? 

"  Hail,  blood  and  thunder  1  welcome,  gentle  Gore  1 
Let  the  loud  hewgag  shatter  every  shore  1 
High  to  the  zenith  let  our  eagle  fly, 
Ten  thousand  battles  blazing  in  his  eye  ! 
Nail  our  proud  standard  to  the  Northern  Pole, 
Plant  patent  earthquakes  in  each  foreign  hole! 
Shout  havoc,  murder,  victory,  and  spoils, 
Till  all  creation  crouches  in  our  toils ! 
Then,  when  the  world  to  our  behest  is  bent, 
And  takes  the  Herald  for  its  punishment, 
"We'll  pin  our  banner  to  a  comet's  tail, 
And  shake  the  Heavens  with  a  big  '  ALL  HAIL  !'  " 

That's  the  spirit  of  America,  my  boy,  taken  with 
nutmeg  on  top,  and  a  hollow  straw.  Very  good  for 
invalids. 

Next  to  the  question  concerning  the  capacity  of 
gunboats  for  the  sweet-potato  trade,  my  boy,  the 
great  topic  of  the  day  is  the  capture  of  Slidell  and 
Mason,  whose  arrest  so  pleased  the  colonel  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade,  that  he  got  up  at  nine  o'clock  in 
the  morning  to  tell  the  President  about  it. 

In  the  year  1776,  my  boy,  this  Slidell  sold  candles 
in  New  York,  and  was  born  about  two  years  after  the 
marriage  of  the  elder  SlidelL  While  he  was  yet  a 


134  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

young  man,  he  went  much  into  female  society,  and  at 
length  offered  his  hand  to  a  lady.  Her  father  being  a 
male,  gave  his  consent  to  the  match,  and  on  the  day 
of  the  wedding,  there  was  a  fire  in  the  Seventh  Ward. 
Since  that  time,  Slidell  has  been  a  married  man,  and 
was  much  respected  until  he  got  into  the  Senate.  I 
get  these  facts  from  a  friend  of  the  family,  who  has 
a  set  of  silver  spoons  engraved  with  the  name  of 
Slidell. 

The  rebel  Mason  was  born  and  bred  in  the  United 
States,  and  has  always  been  a  First  Family.  He  says 
he  was  going  to  Europe  on  account  of  his  health. 

The  capture  of  these  men,  my  boy,  cannot  fail  to 
produce  a  great  sensation  in  diplomatic  circles,  and  I 
am  informed  by  a  reliable  gentleman  from  Weehawken, 
that  Mr.  Seward  is  preparing  a  letter  to  Lord  Lyons 
on  the  subject.  This  letter,  I  learn,  will  contain  some 
such  passages  as  this  : 

"  I  have  the  honor  to  say  to  your  lordship,  that 
your  lordship  must  be  aware  of  your  lordship's  im 
portant  duty  as  a  Minister  to  the  United  States,  and 
I  trust  that  your  lordship  will  pay  a  little  attention 
to  your  lordship's  grammar  when  next  your  lordship 
addresses  your  lordship's  most  obedient  servant.  Your 
lordship  will  permit  me  to  say  to  your  lordship,  that 
your  lordship  is  in  no  way  capable  of  interpreting  the 
Constitution  to  your  lordship's  American  friends  ; 
and  I  trust  your  lordship  will  not  be  offended  when  I 


ORPHEUS    C.    KEKR    PAPERS.  135 

state  to  your  lordship,  that  your  lordship  will  find 
nothing  in  the  Constitution  to  compel  your  lordship 
to  demand  your  lordship's  passport  on  account  of  the 
recent  capture  of  State  prisoners  from  one  of  your 
lordship's  government's  vessels,  your  lordship." 

I  read  this  extract  to  Colonel  Wobert  Wobinson, 
of  the  Western  Cavalry,  my  boy,  and  he  said  its  only 
fault  was,  that  it  hadn't  enough  lordships  in  it. 

"  Lordships,"  says  he,  "lend  an  easy  grace  to  State 
documents,  and  are  as  aristocratic  as  a  rooster's  tail 
at  sunrise." 

The  colonel  is  a  natural  poet,  my  boy,  and  abounds 
in  pleasing  comparisons. 

The  review  of  seventy  thousand  troops  near  Mun- 
son's  Hill,  on  Thursday,  was  one  of  those  stirring 
events,  my  boy,  which  we  have  been  upon  the  eve  of 
for  the  past  year.  A  new  cavalry  company,  for  the 
Mackerel  Brigade,  excited  great  attention  as  it  went 
past,  and  I  understand  the  President  said  that,  with 
the  exception  of  the  horses  and  the  men,  it  was  one 
of  the  finest  cavalry  mobs  he  ever  saw.  The  horses 
are  a  new  pattern  ;  fluted  sides,  polished  knobs  on 
the  haunches,  and  a  hand-rail  all  the  way  down  the 
back.  A  rebel  caught  sight  of  one  of  these  fine  ani 
mals,  the  other  day,  and  immediately  fainted.  It 
was  afterward  ascertained  that  he  owned  a  field  of 
oats  in  the  neighborhood. 

Yours,  variously,  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   XXI. 

DESCRIBING    CAPTAIN   VILLIAM    BROWN'S    GREAT   EXPEDITION   TO   ACCO- 
MAC,    AND   ITS   MARVELLOUS   SUCCESS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  December  1st,  1861. 

'TwAS  early  morn,  my  boy.  The  sun  rushed  up 
the  eastern  sky  in  a  state  of  patriotic  combustion,  and 
as  the  dew  fell  upon  the  grassy  hill-sides,  the  moun 
tains  lifted  up  their  heads  and  were  rather  green. 
Far  on  the  horizon  six  rainbows  appeared,  with  an 
American  Eagle  at  roost  on  the  top  one,  and  as  the 
translucent  pearl  of  the  dawn  shone  between  them, 
and  a  small  pattern  of  blue  sky  with  thirty-four  stars 
broke  out  at  one  end,  I  saw — I  beheld — yes,  it  ees  ! 
it  ees  !  our  Banger  in  the  Skee  yi ! 

The  reason  why  the  heavens  took  such  an  interest 
in  the  United  States  of  America  was  the  fact,  that 
Captain  Villiam  Brown,  of  Company  3,  Eegiment  5, 
Mackerel  Brigade,  was  to  make  a  Great  Expedition 
to  Accomac  County  on  that  morning.  Twelve  years 
was  the  period  originally  assigned,  my  boy,  for  the 
preparation  of  this  Expedition  ;  but,  when  the  gov 
ernment  heard  that  the  Accomac  rebels  were  making 
candles  of  all  the  fat  Boston  men  they  took  prisoners,  it 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  137 

concluded  to  do  something  during  the  present  century. 
Villiain  Brown  was  assigned  to  the  command  of  the 
Expedition,  and  when  I  asked  the  General  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  how  such  selection  happened  to  be 
made,  he  said  that  Villiarn  was  assigned  because  there 
were  so  many  signs  of  an  ass  about  him. 

The  General  is  much  given  to  classical  metaphors, 
my  boy,  and  ought  to  write  for  the  new  American 
Encyclopedia. 

Previous  to  starting,  Villiain  Brown  called  a  meet 
ing  of  his  staff,  for  the  purpose  of  selecting  such 
officers  only  who  had  slept  with  Harclee,  and  knew 
beans. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Villiam,  seating  himself  at  a 
table,  on  which  stood  the  Oath  and  a  clean  tumbler  ; 
"  I  wish  to  know  which  of  you  is  the  greatest  shakes 
in  a  sacred  skrimmage." 

A  respectable  lef tenant  stepped  forward  with  his 
hand  upon  his  boozum. 

"  Being  a  native  of  Philadelphia/'  says  he,  "  I  am 
naturally  modest ;  but  only  yesterday,  when  two 
rebels  pitched  into  me,  I  knocked  them  both  over, 
and  am  here  to  tell  the  tale." 

Villiam  Brown  gave  the  speaker  a  piercing  look, 
my  boy,  and  says  he  : 

"  Impostor  !  beware  how  you  insult  the  United 
States  of  America.  I  fathom  your  falsehood/'  says 
he,  "  by  my  knowledge  of  Matthew  Maticks.  You 
12* 


138  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

say  that  two  chivalries  pitched  into  you,  and  you 
knocked  them,  both  over.  Now  Matthew  Maticks 
distinctly  says  that  two  into  one  goes  no  times,  and 
nothing  over.  Speaker  of  the  House,  remove  this 
lef tenant  to  the  donjon  keep.  He's  Ananias  Num 
ber  2." 

The  officer  from  Philadelphia  being  removed  to  the 
guard-house,  where  there  is  weeping  and  wailing,  and 
picking  of  teeth,  another  leftenant  stepped  for 
ward  : 

"  I  deal  in  technicalities,"  says  he,  "  and  can  post 
you  in  law." 

"Ha!"  says  Villiam,  softly  sipping  the  Oath, 
"  then  I  will  try  you  with  an  abstract  question,  my 
beautiful  Belvideary.  Supposing  Mason  and  Slidell 
were  your  friends,  how  would  you  work  it  to  get  them 
out  of  Fort  Warren  ?" 

"Why,"  said  the  leftenant,  pleasantly,  "I'd  sue 
out  a  writ  of  Habeas  Jackass,  and  get  the  New  York 
Herald  to  advise  the  Government  not  to  let  them 
out." 

"Yes,"  says  Villiam,  meditatively,  "that  would 
be  sure  to  do  it.  I'll  use  you  to  help  me  get  up  my 
Proclamation." 

"And  now,"  says  Villiam,  dropping  a  lump  of 
sugar  into  the  Oath,  and  stirring  it  with  a  comb, 
"  who  is  that  air  melancholy  chap  with  a  tall  hat  on, 
who  looks  like  Hamlet  with  a  panic  ?" 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  139 

The  melancholy  chap  came  to  the  front,  shook  his 
long  locks  like  Banquo,  and  says  he  : 

"  I'm  the  Press.  I'm  the  Palladium  of  our  Lib 
erties — 

"  ;  Here  shall  the  Press  the  People's  rights  maintain, 
Una  wed  by  affluence  and  inspired  by  gain.' 

I'm  the  best  advertising  medium  in  the  country,  and 
have  reptile  cotemporaries.  I  won't  be  suppressed. 
No,  sir  ! — no,  sir  ! — I  refuse  to  be  suppressed/' 

"  You're  a  giant  intellek,"  says  Villiam,  looking 
at  him  through  the  bottom  of  a  tumbler;  "but  I 
can't  stand  the  press.  Speaker  of  the  House,  remove 
him  to  the  bath  and  send  for  a  barber.  Now,  gentle 
men,  I  will  say  a  few  words  to  the  troops,  and  then 
we  will  march  according  to  Hardee." 

The  section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  being  mus 
tered  in  line  against  a  rail  fence,  my  boy,  Captain 
Yilliam  Brown  shut  one  eye,  balanced  himself  on  one 
foot,  and  thus  addressed  them  . 

"  FELLOW-SOLDATS  !  (which  is  French.)  It  was 
originally  intended  to  present  you  with  a  stand  of 
colors  ;  but  the  fellow-citizen  who  was  to  present  it 
has  only  got  as  far  as  the  hundred  and  fifty-second 
page  of  the  few  remarks  he  intended  to  make  on  the 
occasion,  and  it  is  a  military  necessity  not  to  wait  for 
him.  (See  Scott's  Tactics,  Vol.  III.,  pp.  24.)  I  have 
but  few  words  to  say,  and  these  are  them  :  Should 


140  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

any  of  you  happen  to  be  killed  in  the  coming  battle, 
let  me  implore  you  to  Die  without  a  groan.  It  sounds 
better  in  history,  as  well  as  in  the  great,  heart-stirring 
romances  of  the  weekly  palladiums  of  freedom.  How 
well  it  reads,  that  '  Private  Muggins  received  a  shot 
in  the  neck  and  died  without  a  groan!  Soldats  ! 
bullets  have  been  known  to  pass  clean  through  the 
thickest  trees,  and  so  I  may  be  shot  myself.  Should 
such  a  calamity  befall  our  distracted  country,  I  shall 
die  without  a  groan,  even  though  I  am  a  grown  per 
son.  Therefore,  fear  nothing.  The  eyes  of  the  whole 
civilized  world  are  upon  you,  and  History  and  Do 
mestic  Romance  expect  to  write  that  you  died  with 
out  a  groan." 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  touching  and  appropriate 
speech,  my  boy,  all  the  men  exclaimed  :  "  We  will  !" 
except  a  young  person  from  New  York,  who  said 
that  he'd  rather  "Groan  without  a  die  ;"  for  which 
he  was  sentenced  to  read  Seward's  next  letter. 

The  Army  being  formed  into  a  Great  Quadrilateral 
(See  Raymond's  Tactics),  moved  forward  at  a  double- 
quick,  and  reached  Accomac  just  as  the  impatient  sun 
was  rushing  down.  With  the  exception  of  a  mule, 
the  only  Virginian  to  be  seen  was  a  solitary  Chivalry, 
who  had  strained  himself  trying  to  raise  some  interest 
from  a  Confederate  Treasury  Note,  and  couldn't  get 
away. 

Observing  that  only  one  man  was  in  sight,  Captain 


OKPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  141 

Villiam  Brown,  who  had  stopped  to  tie  his  shoe  behind 
a  large  tree  on  the  left,  made  a  flank  movement  on  the 
Chivalry. 

"Is  these  the  borders  of  Accomac  ?"  says  he,  pleas 
antly. 

"  Why  !"  says  the  Chivalry,  giving  a  start,  "you 
must  be  Lord  Lyons." 

"  What  makes  you  think  that  ?"  asked  Villiam. 

"  Oh,  nothing — only  your  grammar/'  says  Chivalry. 

This  made  Villiam  very  mad,  my  boy,  and  he  or 
dered  the  bombardment  to  be  commenced  immediate 
ly  ;  but  as  all  the  powder  had  been  placed  on  board  a 
vessel  which  could  not  arrive  under  two  weeks,  it  was 
determined  to  take  possession  without  combustion. 
Finding  himself  master  of  the  situation,  Captain 
Villiam  Brown  called  the  solitary  Chivalry  to  him, 
and  issued  the  following 

PROCLAMATION. 

CITIZEN  OF  ACCOMAC  !  I  come  among  you  not  as 
a  incendiary  and  assassin,  but  to  heal  your  wounds 
and  be  your  long-lost  father.  Several  of  the  happiest 
months  in  my  life  were  not  spent  in  Accomac,  and 
your  affecting  hospitality  will  make  me  more  than 
jealously-watchful  of  your  liberties  and  the  pursuit 
of  happiness.  (See  the  Constitution.) 

Citizen  of  Accomac  !  These  brave  men,  of  whom 
I  am  a  spectator,  are  not  your  enemies  ;  they  are  your 


142  OKPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

brothers,  and  desire  to  embrace  you  in  fraternal  bonds. 
They  wish  to  be  considered  your  guests,  and  respect 
fully  invite  you  to  observe  the  banner  of  our  common 
forefathers.  In  proof  whereof  I  establish  the  follow 
ing  orders  : 

I. — If  any  nigger  come  within  the  lines  of  the  United 
States  Army  to  give  information,  whatsomever, 
of  the  movements  of  the  enemy,  the  aforesaid 
shall  have  his  head  knocked  off,  and  be  returned 
to  his  lawful  owner,  according  to  the  groceries 
and  provisions  of  the  Fugitive  Slave  Ack. 
(See  the  Constitution.) 

II. — If  any  chicken  or  other  defenceless  object  belong 
ing  to  the  South,  be  brought  within  the  lines 
of  the  United  States  Army,  by  any  nigger,  his 
heirs,  administrators,  and  assigns,  the  afore 
said  shall  have  his  tail  cut  off,  and  be  sent 
back  to  his  rightful  owner  at  the  expense  of 
the  Treasury  Department. 

III. — Any  soldier  found  guilty  of  shooting  the  South 
ern  Confederacy,  or  bothering  him  in  any  man 
ner  whatsomever,  the  same  shall  be  deemed 
guilty  of  disorderly  conduct,  and  be  pronounced 
an  accursed  abolitionist. 

VILLIAM  BROWN,  Eskevire, 
Captain  Conic  Section  Mackerel  Brigade, 
Commanding  Accomac. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  143 

The  citizen  of  Accomac,  my  boy,  received  this 
proclamation  favorably,  and  said  ho  wouldn't  go 
hunting  Union  pickets  until  the  weather  was  warmer. 
Whereupon  Villiam  Brown  fell  upon  his  neck  and 
wept  copiously. 

The  Union  Army,  my  boy,  now  holds  undisputed 
possession  of  over  six  inches  of  the  sacred  soil  of  Ac 
comac,  and  this  unnatural  rebellion  has  received  a 
blow  which  shakes  the  rotten  fabric  to  its  shivering 
centre.  The  strong  arm  of  the  Government  has  at 
last  reached  the  stronghold  of  treason,  and  in  a  few 
years  this  decisive  movement  on  Accomac  will  be  fol 
lowed  by  the  advance  of  our  army  on  the  Potomac. 
Yours,  with  expedition, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER  XXII. 

TREATING    OF    VILLIASl'S     OCCUPATION    OF     ACCOMAC,     AND     HIS    WISE 
DECISION   IN   A   CONTRABAND   CASE. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  0.,  December  16th,  1861. 

AFTER  sleeping  with  Congress  for  two  days,  my 
boy,  and  observing  four  statesmen  and  a  small  page 
driven  to  the  verge  of  apoplexy  by  the  exciting  tale 
called  the  President's  Message,  I  thought  it  was  about 
time  to  mingle  with  the  world  again,  and  sent  my 
servant,  Percy  de  Mortimer,  to  bring  me  my  gothic 
steed  Pegasus.  After  a  long  search  in  the  fields  after 
that  chaste  architectural  animal,  my  boy,  he  met  a 
Missouri  picket  chap,  and  says  he  : 

"  Hev  .you  seen  a  horse  hereabout,  my  whisky- 
doodle  ?" 

"  Hoss  !"  says  Missouri,  spitting  with  exquisite 
precision  on  one  of  De  Mortimer's  new  boots.  "  No, 
I  aint  seen  no  boss,  my  Fejee  bruiser  ;  but  there's  an 
all-fired  big  crow-roost  down  in  that  corner,  I  reckon  ; 
and  it  must  be  alive,  for  I  heard  the  bones  rattle  when 
the  wind  blew." 

My  valet,  Mr.  De  Mortimer,  paid  no  heed  to  his 
satirical  lowness,  my  boy,  but  proceeded  majestically 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  145 

to  where  my  gothic  beast  was  eating  the  remains  of  a 
straw  mattress.  Brushing  a  few  crows  from  the  back 
bone  of  the  fond  charger,  upon  which  they  were  inno 
cently  roosting,  he  placed  the  saddle  amidships,  and 
conducted  the  fiery  stallion  to  my  hotel. 

Mounting  in  hot  haste,  I  was  about  to  start  for 
Accomac,  when  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade 
came  down  the  steps  in  hot  haste,  and  says  he  : 

"  Is  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  about  to  advance  ?" 

"Why  do  you  ask  ?"  says  I. 

"Thunder!"  says  he,  "I've  been  so  long  in  one 
spot  that  I  was  going  to  get  out  my  naturalization 
papers  as  a  citizen  of  Arlington  Heights.  Ah  !"  says 
he,  with  a  groan,  "  when  the  advance  takes  place  I 
shall  be  too  old  to  enjoy  it." 

I  asked  him  why  he  didn't  make  arrangements  to 
have  his  grandson  take  his  place,  if  he  should  become 
superanuated  before  the  advance  took  place  ;  and  he 
said  that  he  be  dam. 

On  reaching  Accomac,  my  boy,  I  found  the  Conic 
Section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  reconnoitering  in 
force  after  a  pullet  they  had  seen  the  night  before. 
Which  they  couldn't  catch  it. 

Captain  Villiam  Brown,  my  boy,  has  his  head 
quarters  in  a  house  with  the  attic  and  cellar  on  the 
same  floor.  I  found  two  fat  pickets  playing  poker  on 
the  roof,  six  first  class  pickets  doing  up  Old  Sledge 
on  the  rail-fence  in  front  of  the  door,  and  eight  con- 

13 


146          ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

sumptive  pickets  eating  a  rooster  belonging  to  the 
Southern  Confederacy  on  the  roof  of  a  pig-pen. 

As  I  entered  the  aiiy  and  commodious  apartment 
of  the  command er-in  chief,  I  beheld  a  sight  to  make 
the  muses  stare  like  the  behemoth  of  the  Scriptures, 
and  cause  genius  to  take  another  nip  of  old  rye. 
There  was  the  cantankerous  captain,  my  boy,  seated 
on  a  keg  of  gunpowder,  with  his  head  laid  sideways 
on  a  table  ;  one  hand  grasping  a  bottle  half  full  of 
the  Oath,  and  the  other  writing  something  on  a  piece 
of  paper  laid  at  right  angles  with  his  nose. 

"  Hallo,  my  interesting  infant,"  says  I,  "  are  you 
drawing  a  map  of  Pensacola  for  an  enlightened 
press  ?" 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  starting  up,  and  eyeing  me 
closely  through  the  bottom,  of  a  bottle,  "you  behold 
me  in  the  agonies  of  composition.  Read  this  poickry," 
says  he,  "  and  if  it  aint  double  X  with  the  foam  off, 
where's  your  Milton  ?" 

I  took  the  paper,  my  boy,  which  resembled  a  speci 
men-card  of  dead  flies,  and  read  this  poem  : 

"  The  God  of  Bottles  bo  our  aid, 

When  rebels  crack  us; 
"We'll  bend  the  bottle-neck  to  him, 
And  he  will  Bacchus. 

"  By  Capt.  Y ILL: AM  BKOWN,  Eskevire." 

I  told  Villiam  that  everything  but  the  words  of  his 
poem  reminded  me  of  Longfellow,  and  says  he  : 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  147 

"  Don't  mention  my  undoubted  genius  in  public  ; 
because  if  Seward  knew  that  I  wrote  poickry,  he'd 
think  I  wanted  to  be  President  in  1865,  and  he'd  get 
the  Honest  Old  Abe  to  remove  me.  I  think/'  says 
Villiam,  abstractedly,  "  that  the  Honest  Old  Abe  is 
like  a  big  bumble  bee  with  his  tail  cut  off,  when  his 
Cabinet  comes  humming  around  him." 

Villiam  once  stirred  up  the  monkeys  in  a  menagerie, 
my  boy,  and  his  metaphors  from  Natural  History  are 
chaste. 

At  this  moment  a  file  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade 
came  in,  bringing  a  son  of  Africa,  who  looked  like  a 
bottle  of  black  ink  wrapt  up  in  a  dirty  towel,  and  a 
citizen  of  Accomac,  who  claimed  him  as  his  slave. 

"  Captain,"  says  the  citizen  of  Accomac,  "  this 
nigger  belongs  to  me,  and  I  want  him  back.  Besides, 
he  stole  a  looking-glass  from  me,  and  has  got  it  hid 
somewheres." 

Villiam  smiled  like  a  pleased  clam,  and  says  he  : 
"  You  say  he  stole  a  looking-glass  ?" 

"  I  reckon,"  says  Accomac. 

"Prisonier!"  says  Villiam,  to  the  Ethiop,  "did 
you  ever  see  the  devil  ?" 

"  Nebber,  sar,  since  missus  died." 

"  Citizen  "of  Accomac,"  says  Villiam,  sternly,  "you 
have  told  a  whopper  ;  and  I  shall  keep  this  child  of 
oppression  to  black  the  boots  of  the  United  States  of 
America.  You  say  he  stole  a  looking-glass.  He  says 


148  ORPHEUS    C.    KEBR   PAPERS. 

he  has  never  seen  the  devil.  Observe  now/'  says  Vil- 
liam,  argumentatively,  "how  plain  it  is?  that  if  he 
had  even  looked  at  your  looking-glass,  he  must  have 
seen  the  devil  about  the  same  time/' 

The  citizen  of  Accomac  saw  that  his  falsehood  was 
discovered,  my  boy,  and  returned  to  the  bosom  of  his 
family  cursing  like  a  rifled  parson.  Villiam  then 
adjourned  the  court  for  a  week,  and  sent  the  contra 
band  out  to  enjoy  the  blessings  of  freedom,  digging 
trenches. 

It  is  pleasing,  my  boy,  to  see  our  commanders  dis 
pensing  justice  in  this  manner  ;  and  I  don't  wonder 
at  the  President's  wanting  to  abolish  the  Supreme 
Court.  Yours,  judicially, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXIII. 

CONCERNING  BRITISII  NEUTRALITY  AND  ITS  COSMOPOLITAN  EFFECTS, 
WITH  SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  HOW  CAPTAIN  BOB  SHORTY  LOST  HIS 
COMPANY. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  December  20th,  1861. 

WHEN  Britain  first,  at  Napoleon's  command,  my 
boy,  arose  from  out  the  azure  main,  this  was  her 
charter,  her  charter  of  the  land,  that  Britains  never, 
never,  never  shall  be  slaves  as.  long  as  they  have  a 
chance  to  treat  everybody  else  like  niggers.  Suffer 
me  also  to  remark,  that,  Britannia  needs  no  bulwarks, 
no  towers  along  the  steep ;  her  march  is  o'er  the 
mountain  wave,  her  home  is  on  the  deep — where  she 
keeps  up  her  neutrality  by  smuggling  contraband 
Southern  confederacies,  and  swearing  like  a  hard 
shell  chaplain  when  Uncle  Sam's  ocean  pickets  over 
haul  her. 

Albion's  neutrality  is  waking  up  a  savage  spirit 
in  the  United  States  of  America,  as  you  will  un 
derstand  from  the  following  Irish  Idle  which  was 
written 


150  ORPHEUS    C.   KERB   PAPERS. 


PRO   PAT-RIA. 

Two  Irishmen  out  of  employ, 

And  out  at  the  elbows  as  aisily, 
Adrift  in  a  grocery-store 

Were  smoking  and  taking  it  lazily. 
The  one  was  a  broth  of  a  boy, 

Whose  cheek-bones  turned  out  and  turned  in  again, 
His  name  it  was  Paddy  O'Toole — 

The  other  was  Misther  McFinnigan. 

I  think  of  enlistin',"  says  Pat, 

"  Because  do  you  see  what  o'clock  it  is ; 
There's  nothin'  adoin'  at  all 

But  drinkin'  at  Mrs.  O'Docharty's. 
It's  not  until  after  the  war 

That  business  times  will  begin  again, 
And  fightin's  the  duty  of  all " — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  Bad  luck  to  the  rebels,  I  say, 

For  kickin'  up  all  of  this  bobbery, 
They  call  themselves  gintlemen,  too, 

"While  practin'  murder  and  robbery  ; 
Now  if  it's  gintale  for  to  steal, 

And  take  all  your  creditors  in  again, 
I'm  glad  I'm  no  gintleman  born  "— 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  The  spalpeens  make  bould  to  remark 

Their  chivalry  couldn't  be  ruled  by  us ; 
And  by  the  same  token  I  think 

They're  never  too  smart  to  bo  fooled  .by  us. 
Now  if  it's  tho  nagurs  they  mane 

Be  chivalry,  (hen  it's  a  sin  again 
To  fight  for  a  cause  that  is  black  " — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR    PAPERS.  151 

"  A  nagur's  a  man,  70  may  say, 

And  aiqual  to  all  other  Southerners ; 
But  chivalry 's  made  him  a  brute, 

And  so  he's  a  monkey  to  Northerners ; 
Sure,  look  at  tho  poor  cratur's  heels, 

And  look  at  his  singular  shin  again  j 
It's  not  for  such  gintlemen  fight  " — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  The  nagur  States  wanted  a  row, 

And  now,  be  mo  sowl,  but  they'v.e  got  in  it  I 
They've  chosen  a  bed  that  is  hard, 

However  they  shtrivo  for  to  cotton  it. 
I'm  thiukin',  when  winter  comes  on 

They'll  all  bo  inclined  to  come  in  again  ; 
But  then  we  must  bate  them  at  first " — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"Och  hone!  but  it's  hard  that  a  swato 

Good-lookin'  young  chap  like  myself  indado, 
Should  loose  his  ten  shillius  a  day 

Because  of  tho  throublo  tho  South  has  made : 
But  that's  just  tho  raison,  ye  see, 

"Why  I  should  help  Union  to  win  again  • 
It's  that  will  bring  wages  once  more  " — 

"  You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  Joost  mind  what  ould  England's  about, 

A  sendin'  her  throops  into  Canaday ; 
And  all  her  ould  ships  on  the  coast 

Are  ripe  for  some  treachery  any  day. 
Now  if  she  should  mix  m  tho  war — 

Bo  jabers !  it  makes  mo  head  spin  again  I 
Ould  Ireland  would  have  such  a  chance  /" — 

"  You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  You  talk  about  Irishmen,  now, 

Enlistin'  by  thousands  from  loyalty ; 
But  wait  till  the  Phoenix  Brigade 

Is  called  to  put  down  British  Royalty  ! 


152  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

It's  then  with  the  Stars  and  the  Stripes 
All  Irishmen  here  would  go  in  again, 

To  strike  for  the  Shamrock  and  Harp  1" — 

"  You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

41  Och,  murther  !  me  blood's  in  a  blaze, 

To  think  of  bould  Corcoran  leading  us 
Right  into  the  camp  of  the  bastes 

"Whose  leeches  so  long  have  been  bleeding  us ! 
The  Stars  and  the  Stripes  here  at  home 

To  Canada's  walls  we  would  pm  again, 
And  wouldn't  we  raise  them  m  Cork  ?" — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  And  down  at  the  South,  do  ye  mind, 

There's  plinty  of  Irishmen  mustering, 
Deluded  to  fight  for  the  wrong 

By  rebel  mis-statements  and  blustering ; 
But  once  let  ould  England,  their  foe, 

To  fight  with  the  Union  begin  again, 
And  sure,  they'd  desert  to  a  man!" — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  There's  niver  an  Irishmen  born, 

From  Maine  to  the  end  of  Secessiondom. 
But  longs  for  a  time  and  a  chance 

To  fight  for  this  country  in  Hessian-dom  ; 
And  so,  if  ould  England  should  try 

"With  treacherous  friendship  to  sin  again, 
They'll  all  be  on  one  side  at  once  " — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

""We've  brothers  in  Canada,  too — 

(And  didn't  the  Prince  have  a  taste  of  them  ?) — 
To  say  that  to  Ireland  they're  true 

Is  certainly  saying  the  laste  of  them. 
If,  bearing  our  flag  at  our  head, 

"We  rose  Ireland's  freedom  to  win  again, 
They'd  murther  John  Bull  in  the  rear  1" — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan, 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR    PAPERS.  153 

"  Hurroo !  for  the  Union,  me  boys, 

And  divil  take  all  who  would  bother  it, 
Secession's  a  nagur  so  black 

The  divil  himself  ought  to  father  it ; 
Hurroo !  for  the  bould  69th, 

That's  prisintly  bound  to  go  in  again ; 
It's  Corcoran's  rescue  they're  at  " — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

"  I'm  off  right  away  to  enlist, 

And  sure  won't  the  bounty  be  handy-0  I 
To  kapo  mo  respectably  dressed 

And  furnish  me  dudheens  and  brandy-0 1 
I'm  thinkin',  me  excellent  friend, 

Ye'ro  eyeing  that  bottle  of  gin  again ; 
You  wouldn't  mind  thryiti'  a  drop  " — 

"You're  right,  sir,"  says  Misther  McFinnigan. 

British  neutrality,  my  boy;  reminds  me  of  a  chap 
I  orico  knew  in  the  Sixth  Ward.  Two  solid  men, 
who  didn't  get  drunk  more  than  once  a  day,  were 
running  for  alderman,  and  they  both  made  a  dead  set 
on  this  chap ;  but  they  hadn't  any  money,  and  he 
couldn't  see  it. 

"See  here,  old  tops,"  says  he,  "I'll  be  a  neutral 
this  time  ;  so  go  in  porgies  !" 

Well,  my  boy,  the  election  came  off,  and  neither 
of  the  old  tops  was  elected.  No,  sir !  Now,  who  do 
you  suppose  ivas  elected  ? 

The  Neutral  Chap,  my  boy  ! 

Mad  as  hornets  with  the  hydrophobia,  the  two  old 
tops  went  to  see  him,  and  says  they  : 


154          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

"  Confound  your  picture,  didn't  you  promise  to  be 
neutral  ?" 

The  chap  dipped  his  nose  into  a  cocktail.,  and  then 
says  he,  blandly  : 

"  I  was  neutral,  old  Persimmonses.  I  only  went 
to  fifty  Democrats,  and  got  'em  to  vote  for  me.  Then 
to  be  neutral,  I  had  to  get  fifty  of  the  other  feller's 
Black  Kepublicans  to  do  the  same  thing.  Then  I 
voted  twelve  times  for  myself,  and  ivent  in." 

It  was  a  very  beautiful  case,  my  boy,  and  the  old 
tops  were  only  heard  to  utter — they  were  only  known 
to  exclaim — they  were  barely  able  to  articulate — that 
neutrality  didn't  pay. 

Early  yesterday  morning,  my  boy,  Company  B, 
Eegiment  3,  Mackerel  Brigade,  went  down  toward 
Centreville  on  a  reconnoissance  in  force  under  Captain 
Bob  Shorty.  The  Captain  is  a  highly  intellectual 
patriot,  and  don't  get  his  sword  twisted  between  his 
legs  when  he  carries  it  in  his  hand.  He  led  the  com 
pany  through  the  mud  like  a  Christmas  duck,  until 
they  came  to  a  thicket  in  which  something  was  seen 
to  move. 

"  Halt,  you  tarriers  \"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  in 
a  voice  trembling  with  bravery.  "Form  yourselves 
into  a  square  according  to  Hardee,  while  I  stir  up 
this  here  bush.  There's  something  in  that  bush," 
says  he,  "and  it's  either  the  Southern  Confederacy, 
or  some  other  cow." 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  155 

The  captain  then  leaned  up  to  a  tree  to  make  him 
steady  on  his  pins,  my  boy,  and  rammed  his  sword 
into  the  bushes  like  a  poker  into  a  fire — thus  : 


Nobody  hurt  on  our  side. 

What  followed,  my  boy,  can  be  easily  told.  At  an 
early  hour  on  the  evening  of  the  same  day,  a  solitary 
horseman  might  have  been  seen  approaching  "Wash 
ington.  It  was  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  with  his  hat 
caved  in,  and  a  rainbow  spouting  under  his  left  eye. 
He  went  straight  to  the  head-quarters  of  the  General 
of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  and  says  he  : 

"General,  I've  reconnoitered  in  force,  and  found 
the  enemy  both  numerious  and  cantankerous." 

"Beautiful!"  says  the  general;  "but  where  is 
your  company  ?" 

"Well,  now,"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  "you'd 
hardly  believe  it ;  but  the  last  I  see  of  that  ere  com 
pany,  it  was  engaged  in  the  pursuit  of  happiness  at 
the  rate  of  six  miles  an  hour,  with  the  rebels  at  the 
wrong  end  of  the  track.  Dang  my  rations  \"  says 


156  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

Captain  Bob  Shorty,  "if  I  don't  think  that  ere  bob- 
tailed  company  has  got  to  Kichmond  by  this  time/' 

"  Thunder  \"  says  the  general.,  "  didn't  they  kill  any 
of  the  rebels  ?" 

"  Nary  a  Confederacy/'  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty. 
"  The  bullets  all  rolled  out  of  them  ere  muskets  of 
theirs  before  the  powder  got  fairly  on  fire.  Them 
muskets/'  continued  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  "would  be 
good  for  a  bombardment.  You  might  possibly  hit  a 
city  with  them  at  two  yards'  range  ;  but  in  personal 
encounters  they  are  inferior  to  the  putty-blowers  of 
our  innocent  childhood." 

As  the  captain  made  this  observation,  my  boy,  he 
stepped  hurriedly  to  the  table,  lifted  a  tumbler  con 
taining  the  Oath  to  his  pallid  lips,  took  a  seat  in  the 
coal-scuttle,  and  burst  into  a  flood  of  tears. 

Deeply  affected  by  this  touching  display  of  a  beau 
tiful  trait  in  our  common  nature,  the  general  placed 
a  small  piece  of  ice  on  the  captain's  slanting  brow, 
and  hid  his  own  emotions  in  a  bottle  holding  about  a 
quart. 

In  reference  to  the  beautiful  battle-piece,  accom 
panying  this  epistle,  my  boy,  allow  me  to  observe 
that  it  was  taken  on  the  spot  by  the  Chiar'  oscuro 
artist,  Patrick  de  la  Koach,  well-known  in  his  native 
Italy  as  "  Roachy."  He  studied  in  Rome  (New 
York),  and  has  a  style  peculiar  for  its  width  of  tone 
and  length  of  breath.  The  dark  complexion  of  the 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR    PAPERS.  157 

figures  in  this  fine  picture  represents  the  effects  of  the 
Virginia  sun.  Our  troops  are  much  tanned.  The 
work  was  painted  in  oil  colors  with  a  bit  of  charcoal, 
my  boy,  and  a  copy  of  it  will  probably  be  ordered  for 
the  Capitol.  Yours,  for  high  old  art, 

OP.PHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXIV. 

NARRATING  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE'S  MANNER  OF  CELEBRATING 
CHRISTMAS,  AND  NOTING  A  DEADLY  AFFAIR  OF  HONOR  BETWEEN 
TWO  WELL-KNOWN  OFFICERS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  December  26th,  1861. 

A  MERRY  Christmas  and  Happy  New  Year,  my 
boy,  and  the  same  to  yourself.  The  recurrence  of 
these  gay  old  annuals  makes  me  feel  as  ancient  as  the 
First  Families  of  Virginia,  and  as  grave  as  a  church 
yard.  How  well  I  remember  my  first  Christmas  ! 
Early  in  the  morning,  my  dignified  paternal  pre 
sented  me  with  a  beautiful  spanking,  and  then  my 
maternal  touched  me  up  with  her  slipper  to  stop  my 
crying.  Sensible  people  are  the  women  of  America, 
my  boy  ;  they  slap  a  boy  on  his  upper  end,  which 
makes  him  howl,  and  then  hit  him  on  the  other  end 
to  stop  his  noise.  There's  good  logic  in  the  idea,  my 
boy.  That  first  Christmas  of  mine  was  memorable 
from  the  fact  that  my  present  was  a  drum,  on  which 
I  executed  a  new  opera  of  my  own  composition  with 
such  good  effect,  that  in  the  evening,  a  deputation  of 
superannuated  neighbors  and  old  maids  waited  on  my 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  159 

father  with  a  petition  that  he  would  send  me  to  sea 
immediately. 

But  to  return  to  the  present,  suffer  me  to  observe 
that  last  Wednesday  was  celebrated  by  the  Mackerel 
Brigade  in  a  manner  worthy  of  the  occasion.  Two 
hundred  turkeys  belonging  to  the  Southern  Confed 
eracy  were  served  up  for  dinner,  and  from  what  I 
tasted,  I  am  satisfied  that  they  belonged  to  the  First 
Families.  They  were  very  tough,  my  boy. 

In  the  evening,  there  was  a  ball,  to  which  a  num 
ber  of  the  women  of  America  were  invited.  Captain 
Villiam  Brown  came  up  from  Accomac  on  purpose  to 
attend,  and  looked,  as  the  General  of  the  Mackerel 
Brigade  genteelly  expressed  it,  like  a  bag  of  indigo 
that  had  been  out  without  an  umbrella  in  a  hard 
shower  of  brass  buttons.  The  general  has  an  acute 
perception  of  the  Beautiful,  my  boy. 

Villiam  took  the  Oath  six  times,  and  then  took  a 
survey  of  the  festive  scene  through  the  bottom  of  a 
tumbler.  The  first  person  he  recognized  was  the 
youngest  Miss  Muggins,  waltzing  like  a  deranged  bal 
loon  with  Captain  Bob  Shorty.  Captain  Bob  was 
spinning  around  like  a  dislocated  pair  of  tongs,  and 
smirked  like  a  happy  fiend.  Villiam  gave  one  stare, 
put  the  tumbler  in  his  pocket,  and  then  made  a  bee- 
line  for  the  pair. 

"  Miss  Muggins,"  says  he,  "  you'll  obleege  me  by 


160  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

dropping  that  air  mass  of  brass  buttons  and  mous 
taches,  and  dancing  with  me." 

"  I  beg  your  parding,  sir,"  says  Miss  Muggins,  with 
dignity,  "  but  I  chooses  my  own  company." 

"  Villiam,"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  "  if  you  don't 
take  that  big  nose  of  yours  away,  it  will  be  my  pain 
ful  duty  to  set  it  a  little  further  back  in  your  repul 
sive  countenance." 

Then  Villiam  was  mad.  He  hastily  buttoned  his 
coat  up  to  the  neck,  took  a  bite  of  tobacco,  and  says 
he: 

"  Captain  Shorty,  we  have  lived  like  br-r-others  ;  I 
have  borrowed  many  a  quarter  of  you  ;  and  you 
promised  that  when  I  died,  you  would  wrap  me  up 
in  the  American  flag.  But  now  you  are  mine  enemy, 
and — ha  !  ha  ! — I  am  yours.  Wilt  fight  ?" 

'Twas  enough  ! 

"  I  wilt,"  responded  Captain  Bob  Shorty.  And  in 
ten  minutes'  time  these  desperate  men  stood  face  to 
face  on  the  banks  of  the  Potomac,  the  ghastly  moon 
looking  solemnly  down  upon  them  through  a  rift  of 
floating  shrouds  ;  and  one  of  the  First  Families  of 
Virginia  pickets  squinting  at  them  from  a  neighbor 
ing  bush.  Yilliam's  second  was  Colonel  Wobert 
Wobinson  of  the  Western  Cavalry,  Captain  Bob 
Shorty's  was  Samyule  Sa-mith.  The  fifth  of  the 
party  was  a  fat  surgeon  from  St.  Louis,  who  stood 
with  his  sleeves  rolled  up  and  a  big  jack-knife  in  his 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  161 

hand.  The  surgeon  also  had  a  stomach  pump  with 
him,  my  boy,  and  twelve  boxes  of  anti-bilious  pills. 
The  weapons  were  pistols,  and  the  distance  seventy 
paces. 

Captain  Villiam  Brown  was  observed  to  shiver,  as 
he  took  his  place,  and  was  so  cold,  that  he  took  aim 
at  the  surgeon  instead  of  his  antagonist.  The  sur 
geon  called  his  attention  to  this  little  error  ;  and  he 
immediately  rectified  his  mistake  by  pointing  his 
weapon  point-blank  at  Samyule  Sa-mith. 

"  You  blood-thirsty  cuss  !"  shouted  Samyule,  with 
great  emotion,  "  what  are  you  pointing  at  me  for  ?" 

"I  was  thinking  of  my  poor  grandmother/'  said 
Villiam,  feelingly  ;  and  immediately  fired  at  the 
moon. 

Simultaneously,  Captain  Bob  Shorty  sent  his  bullet 
skimming  along  the  ground,  in  the  direction  of  Wash 
ington,  and  said  that  he  wanted  to  go  home. 

The  surgeon  decided  that  nobody  was  hurt ;  and 
the  two  infuriated  principals  commenced  to  reload 
their  pistols,  with  horrible  calmness. 

Now  it  came  to  pass,  that  while  Captain  Villiam 
Brown  was  stooping  down  fixing  his  weapon,  his 
hand  became  unsteady,  and  he  pulled  the  trigger, 
without  meaning  to.  Bang  !  went  the  concern,  and 
whiz  !  went  the  ball  right  between  the  legs  of  Colonel 
Wobert  Wobinson,  causing  that  noble  officer  to  skip 
four  times,  and  swear  awfully. 


162  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

"Treachery  \"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  spinning 
around  in  great  excitement,  and  letting  drive  at 
Samyule  Sa-mith  who  happened  to  be  nearest. 

"  Gaul  darn  ye  !"  screamed  Samyule,  turning  pur 
ple  in  the  face,  "  you've  gone  and  shot  all  the  rim  of 
my  cap  off." 

"  I  couldn't  help  it,"  says  Bob,  looking  into  the 
barrel  of  his  pistol  with  great  intensity  of  gaze. 

At  this  moment,  Villiam,  who  had  loaded  up  again, 
tried  to  put  the  hammer  of  his  weapon  down  on  the 
cap  ;  but  his  hand  slipped,  and  the  charge  exploded, 
barking  the  shins  of  the  fat  surgeon,  and  sending  a 
bullet  clean  through  his  stomach-pump. 

The  surgeon  just  took  a  seat,  my  boy,  rubbed  his 
shins  half  a  second,  took  four  boxes  of  pills,  and  then 
began  to  cuss  I  Marshal  Kynders  can  cuss  some,  my 
boy,  but  that  fat  surgeon  could  beat  him  and  all  the 
Custom-House  together. 

But  suddenly  a  strange  sound  reduced  all  else  to 
silence.  It  came  first  like  the  rumbling  of  a  barrel 
of  potatoes,  and  then  grew  into  a  fiendish  chuckle.  It 
was  found  to  proceed  from  a  neighboring  bush,  and  on 
proceeding  thither  the  party  beheld  a  sight  to  make 
the  pious  weep.  Kolling  about  in  the  brush  was  one 
of  the  First  Families  of  Virginia  pickets,  kicking  his 
heels  in  the  air,  and  laughing  himself  right  straight 
into  apoplexy. 

"  0  Lord  !"  says  he,  going  into  a  fresh  convulsion, 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  163 

"  take  me  prisoner  and  hang  me  for  a  rebel,  but  I 
never  did  see  such  a  good  one  as  that  air  gay  old 
duel.  If  you'd  kept  on/'  says  the  picket,  turning 
purple  in  the  face,  "  I  really  reckon  I  should  a  busted 
myself." 

Captain  Villiam  Brown  was  greatly  scandalized  at 
this  unseemly  mirth,  my  boy,  and  requested  the  sur 
geon  to  cut  the  picket's  head  off ;  but  Colonel  Wobert 
Wobinson  interposed,  and  the  laughing  chap  was  only 
made  prisoner. 

"And  now,  Villiam/'  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty, 
"  we've  had  the  satisfaction  of  gentlemen,  and  can  be 
friends  again.  I  spurns  Miss  Muggins.  The  Amer 
ican  flag  is  my  only  bride,  and  as  for  you  ! — well, 
I  think  rather  more  of  you  than  I  do  of  my  own 
father." 

"  Come  to  my  arms  !"  exclaimed  Villiam,  falling 
upon  his  neck,  and  improving  the  opportunity  to  take 
the  Oath  from  his  canteen. 

It  was  an  affecting  sight,  my  boy  ;  and  as  those 
two  noble  youths  walked  amicably  back  to  the  camp 
together,  the  fat  surgeon  remarked  to  Samyule  Sa-mith 
that  they  reminded  him  of  Damon  and  Pythias  just 
returned  from  the  Syracuse  Convention. 

Yours,  for  the  Code, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   XXV. 

PRESENTING  THE  CHAPLAIN'S  NEW  YEAR  POEM,  AND  REPORTING  THE 
SINGULAR  CONDUCT  OF  THE  GENERAL  OF  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE 
ON  THE  DAY  HE  CELEBRATED. 

"WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  January  2d,  1S62. 

ANOTHER  year,  my  boy,  has  dawned  upon  a  struggle 
in  which  the  hopes  of  freedom  and  integrity  all  over 
the  world  are  breathlessly  involved  ;  and  if  the  day- 
star  of  Liberty  is  destined  to  go  down  into  the  ocean 
wave,  what  is  to  become  of  the  unoffending  negroes  ? 
I  extract  this  beautiful  passage,  my  boy,  from  the 
forthcoming  speech  of  a  fat  Congressman,  who  is  a 
friend  to  the  human  race,  and  charges  the  Adminis 
tration  with  imbecility  and  with  mileage.  I  conversed 
with  him  the  other  evening,  and,  after  discussing  va 
rious  topics,  asked  him  what  he  thought  of  the  Wash 
ington  statue  as  it  stood  ?  He  winked  three  times, 
and  then  says  he  : 

"  The  only  Washington  statue  I  know  anything 
about,  is  statu  quo." 

The  chaplain  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  joined  seri 
ously  in  our  staff  festivities  on  New  Year's  eve,  my 
boy ;  but  as  midnight  approached  he  grew  very  silent, 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS.  165 

and  at  a  quarter  of  twelve  he  arose  from  his  seat  by 
the  fire  and  asked  permission  to  read  something  which 
he  had  written. 

"I  would  not  retard  your  inevitable  inebriation/' 
says  he  to  us,  as  he  drew  a  manuscript  from  one  of  his 
pockets,  "  but  it  is  only  fitting  that  we  should  pay 
Borne  regard  to 

"THE   DYING   YEAR. 

"  Dying  at  last,  Old  Year  I 
Another  stroke  of  yonder  clock,  and  thou 

Wilt  pass  the  threshold  of  the  world  we  see 
Into  the  world  where  Yesterday  and  Now 

Blend  with  the  hours  of  the  No  More  To  Be. 

"  I  saw  the  moon  last  night 
Rise  like  a  crown  from  the  dim  mountain's  head, 

And  to  the  Council  of  the  Stars  take  way  ; 
For  thou,  the  king,  though  kinsman  of  the  dead, 

Swayed  still  the  sceptre  of  Another  Day. 

"  I  see  the  moon  to-night, 
Sightless  and  misty  as  a  mourner's  eye, 

Behind  a  vail ;   or,  like  a  coin  to  seal 
The  lids  of  Time's  last-born  to  majesty, 

Touched  with  the  darkness  of  a  hidden  Leal. 

"  Mark  where  yon  shadow  crawls 
By  slow  degrees  beneath  the  window-sill, 

Timed  by  the  death-watch,  ticking  slow  and  dull; 
The  tide  of  night  is  rising,  black  and  still — 

Old  Year,  thou  diest  when  'tis  at  its  full  I 

"  Ay !  moan  and  moan  again, 
And  shake  all  Nature  in  thine  agony, 

And  tear  the  ermine  robes  that  mock  thee  now 
Like  gilded  fruit  upon  a  blasted  tree  ; 

To-morrow  comes  !     To-morrow,  where  are  Thou  ? 


166          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

11  Wouldst  thou  be  shrived,  Old  Year  ? 
.  Thou  subtle  sentence  of  delusive  Time, 

Framed  but  to  deepen  all  the  mystery 
Of  Life's  great  purpose  !     Come,  confess  the  crime, 
And  man's  Divinity  shall  date  from  thee  1 

"  Speak  to  my  soul,  Old  Year ; 
Let  but  a  star  leave  its  bright  eminence 

In  thy  death-struggle,  if  this  deathless  Soul 
Holds  its  own  destiny  and  recompense 

In  the  grand  mast'ry  of  a  GOD'S  control  I 

"  No  sound,  no  sign  from  thee  ? 
And  must  I  live,  not  knowing  why  I  live, 

"Whilst  Thou  and  years  to  come  pass  by  me  here 
"With  faces  hid,  refusing  still  to  give 

The  one  poor  word  that  bids  me  cease  to  fear  ? 

"  That  word,  I  charge  thee,  speak  ! 
Quick  1  for  the  moments  tremble  on  the  verge 

Of  the  black  chasm  where  lurks  the  midnight  spell, 
And  solemn  winds  already  chant  thy  dirge — 

Give  Earth  its  Heaven,  or  Hell  a  deeper  Hell  I 

"  Speak !  or  I  curse  thee  here ! 
I'll  call  it  YEA  if  but  a  withered  twig, 

Tossed  by  the  wind,  falls  rattling  on  the  roof; 
I'll  call  it  YEA,  if  e'en  a  shutter  creak, 

Breathe  but  on  me,  and  it  shall  stand  for  proof! 

"  Too  late  !     The  midnight  bell — 
The  crawling  shadow  at  its  witching  flood, 

"With  the  deep  gloom  of  the  Beyond  is  wed, 
And  I,  unanswered,  sit  within  and  brood, 

And  thou,  Old  Year,  art  silent— Thou  art  DEAD  !" 

When  the  chaplain  finished  his  reading,  my  boy,  I 
told  him  that  he  must  excuse  the  party  for  going  to 
sleep,  as  they  were  really  very  tired. 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.  167 

On  New  Year's  day,  my  boy,  the  General  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  desired  me  to  make  a  few  calls  with 
him  ;  and  appeaml  tit  my  lodgings  in  a  confirmed 
state  of  kid  gloves,  which  he  bought  for  the  express 
purpose  of  making  a  joke. 

"  A  happy  New  Year  to  you,  my  Duke  of  Wel 
lington/'  says  I.  "  You  look  as  frisky  as  a  spring 
lamb." 

Immediately  a  look  of  intense  meaning  came  over 
his  Corinthian  face,  and  he  remarked,  with  awful 
solemnity  : 

"  Thunder  !  you  might  better  call  me  a  goat,  my 
Prushian  blue,  seeing  that  I've  got  a  couple  of  kids 
on  hand  just  now." 

The  joke  was  a  good  article  in  the  glove  line,  my 
boy,  and  I  don't  think  that  the  general  had  been 
studying  over  it  more  than  four  hours  before  we 
met. 

We  made  our  first  call  at  a  house  where  the  ladies 
were  covered  with  smiles  as  with  a  garment ;  and  re 
marked  that  the  day  was  fine.  The  general  smiled 
in  return,  until  his  profile  reminded  me  of  a  cracked 
tea-pot  ;  and  says  he  :  "  Ladies,  allow  me  to  tender 
the  compliments  of  the  season.  In  this  wine,"  says 
he,  "  which  I  hold  in  my  hand,  I  behold  the  roses  of 
your  cheeks  when  you  blush,  and  the  sparkle  of  your 
eyes  when  you  laugh.  Let  us  hope  that  another  New 
Year  will  find  our  unhappy  country  free  from  her 


168  ORPHEUS    C.    KERF.    PAPERS. 

enemies,  and  the  curse  of  African  slavery  blotted  out 
of  the  map/' 

I  whispered  to  the  general  that  slavery  wasn't  on 
the  map  at  all  ;  and  he  confidentially  informed  me, 
that  I  be  dam. 

We  then  repaired  to  a  house  where  the  ladies  had 
a  very  happy  expression  of  countenance,  and  told  us 
that  it  was  a  pleasant  day.  The  general  accidentally 
filled  a  wine  glass  with  the  deuce  of  the  grape,  and 
says  he  :  "  Ladies,  suffer  me  to  articulate  the  com 
pliments  of  the  season.  This  aromatic  beverage/' 
says  he,  "  is.  but  a  liquid  presentment  of  your 
blushes  and  glances.  Let  us  trust  that  within  a 
year  our  country  will  resume  the  blessings  of  peace, 
and  the  unhappy  bondman  will  be  obliterated  from 
the  map/' 

One  of  the  ladies  said,  "te-he." 

Another  said  that  she  felt  "he  !  he  !  he !" 

"  I  believe  her,  my  boy  !" 

As  we  returned  to  the  street,  I  told  the  general 
that  he'd  better  leave  out  the  map  at  the  next 
place,  and  he  said  that  he'd  do  it  if  he  was'nt  afraid 
that  Congress  would'nt  confirm  his  appointment,  if 
he  did. 

We  then  visited  a  family  where  the  ladies  had  faces 
beaming  with  happiness,  and  observed  that  it  was 
really  a  beautiful  day.  The  general  happened  to  be 
placed  near  a  cut-glass  goblet,  and  says  he  :  "Ladies, 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  169 

in  compliance  with  the  day  we  celebrate,  I  offer  the 
compliments  of  the  season.  This  mantling  nectar/' 
says  he,  "blushes  like  women  and  glitters  like  her 
orbs.  Let  us  pray  that  in  the  coming  twelve  months, 
the  stars  and  stripes  will  be  re-established,  and  the 
negro  removed  from  the  map." 

He  also  said  hie,  my  boy  ;  and  one  of  the  ladies 
wanted  to  know  what  that  meant  ?" 

I  told  her  that  Hie  was  a  Latin  term  from  Cicero 
de  Officiis,  and  meant  Hicjacet — hear  lies. 

"  0  !"  says  she,  "  te-he-he  !" 

On  reaching  the  sidewalk  this  time,  my  boy,  the 
general  clasped  my  hand  warmly,  and  said  he'd  never 
forget  me.  He  said  I  was  his  dear  friend,  and  must 
never  leave  him  ;  and  I  said  I  wouldn't. 

We  then  called  at  a  house  where  the  ladies  all 
smiled  upon  us,  and  remarked  that  we  were  having 
charming  weather.  The  general  raised  a  glass,  and 
says  he  : 

"  Ge-yurls,  I  am  an  old  man  ;  but  you  are  the 
complimeus  of  season.  You  are  blushing  like  the 
•wine-glass,  and  also  your  sparkles.  On  another  New 
Year's  day  let  our  banner — certainly  let  us  all  do  it. 
And  the  negro  slavery  blot  out  the  map/' 

As  he  uttered  these  feeling  words,  my  boy,  he  bowed 
to  me  and  kissed  my  hand.  After  which  he  looked 
severely  at  his  pocket-handkerchief,  and  tried  to  leave 
the  room  by  way  of  the  fire-place. 


170  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

I  asked  him  if  he  hadn't  better  take  some  soda  ; 
and  he  said,  that  if  I  would  come  and  live  with  him 
he  would  tell  me  how  he  came  to  get  married.  He 
said  he  loved  me. 

Shortly  after  this  we  called  at  a  residence  where 
the  ladies  all  looked  very  happy  and  said  that  it  was 
a  fine  day.  The  general  threw  all  the  strength  of  his 
face  into  one  eye,  and  says  he  : 

"  Ladles,  we  are  compl'm^ns,  and  you  are  the  ne 
groes  on  the  map.  This  year — pardon  me,  I  should 
intro-interror-oduce  my  two  friends  who  is  drunk — 
this  year  I  say,  our  country  may  be  hap — " 

Here  the  general  turned  suddenly  to  me  with  tears 
in  his  eyes,  and  asked  me  to  promise  that  I  would 
never,  never  leave  him.  He  said  that  I  was  a 
genTm'n,  and  ought  to  give  up  drinking.  I  con 
ducted  him  tenderly  to  the  hall,  where  he  em 
braced  me  passionately,  and  invited  me  to  call  and 
see  him. 

As  soon  as  he  had  made  a  few  remarks  to  a  lamp 
post,  requesting  it  to  call  at  Willard's  as  it  went 
home,  and  tell  his  wife  that  he  was  well,  I  took  his 
arm,  and  we  moved  on  at  right  angles. 

It  is  worthy  of  remark  that  at  our  next  calling- 
place  the  ladies  all  beamed  with  joy,  and  told  us  that 
it  was  a  delightful  day.  The  general  took  a  looking- 
glass  for  a  window,  and  stood  still  before  it,  until  I 
tapped  him  on  the  shoulder. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  171 

"  D'you  zee  that  drunken  fool  standing  there  in 
the  street  ?"  says  he,  pointing  at  the  mirror.  "  It  'a 
Lord  Lyons,  s'drunk  as  a  fool/' 

I  told  him  that  he  saw  only  his  own  figure  in  the 
glass,  and  he  said  he  would  see  me  safe  home  if  I 
would  go  right  away.  Chancing  at  the  moment  to 
catch  sight  of  a  wine-glass,  my  boy,  he  walked  toward 
it  in  a  circle,  and  hastily  filled  the  outside  of  it  from 
an  empty  decanter.  Then  balancing  himself  on  one 
foot,  and  placing  his  disengaged  hand  on  a  pyramid 
of  Wane  mange  to  support  himself,  he  said  impress 
ively  : 

"  Ladles,  and  gentle-lemons,  the  army  will  move  on 
the  first  of  May,  and — " 

Here  the  general  went  down  under  the  table  like  a 
stately  ship  foundering  at  sea,  and  was  heard  to  ask 
the  wine-cooler  to  tell  his  family  that  he  died  for  his 
country. 

Owing  to  the  very  hilly  nature  of  the  street,  my 
boy,  I  was  obliged  to  accompany  the  general  home  in 
a  hack  ;  and  as  we  rolled  along  towards  the  hotel,  he 
disclosed  to  me  an  agitated  history  of  his  mother's 
family. 

When  last  I  saw  him  he  was  trying  to  make  out 
why  the  chambermaid  had  put  four  pillows  on  his  bed, 
and  endeavoring  to  lift  off  the  two  extra  ones  without 
disturbing  the  others. 


172  ORPHEUS   0.   KERB   PAPERS. 

Candidly  speaking,  my  boy,  this  New-Year's-calls 
business  is  not  a  sensible  calling,  and  simply  amounts 
to  a  caravan  of  monkeys  attending  a  menagerie  of 
trained  crinoline. 

Yours,  philosophically, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXVI. 

GIVING  THE  PARTICULARS  OF   A   FALSE   ALARM,    AND   A   BIOGRAPHICAL 
SKETCH  OP  THE   OFFICER   COMMANDING. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  January  llth,  1862. 

SCARCE  had  the  glorious  sun  shot  up  the  dappled 
orient  on  Monday  morn,  my  boy,  when  the  Com- 
mander-in-Chief  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  received 
a  telegraphic  dispatch  which  reads  as  follows : 

"  General  Frost  has  appeared  near  Centreville,  and 
is  now  covering  the  wood  and  road  in  our  rear." 

It  bore  no  signature,  my  boy  ;  but  the  general  be 
lieved  the  danger  to  be  imminent,  and  ordered  Captain 
Bob  Shorty  to  take  ten  thousand  men,  and  make  a 
reconnoissance  towards  Centreville. 

"  Bob,  my  cherub/'  says  he,  "  if  you  can  get  behind 
the  rebel  Frost,  and  take  the  whole  Confederacy  pris 
oners,  don't  administer  the  Oath  until  the  Eagle  of 
America  is  avenged." 

Bob  smiled  like  a  happy  oyster,  and  says  he : 

"  Domino  \" 

'Twas  nigh  upon  the  hour  of  noon  when  Captain 


174  ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS. 

Bob  Shorty  and  his  veterans  approached  the  beautiful 
village  of  Centreville.  Cross-trees  had  been  placed 
under  the  horses  of  the  cavalry  to  keep  them  from 
falling  down,  and  the  infantry  were  arranging  them 
selves  so  that  the  bayonets  of  the  front  rank 
shouldn't  stick  into  the  rear  rank's  eyes  every  time 
they  turned  a  corner,  when  a  solitary  contraband 
might  have  been  seen  eating  hoe-cake  by  the  solemn 
road-side. 

"  Confederate,"  said  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  approach 
ing  him  with  his  sword  very  much  between  his  legs, 
"  hast  seen  the  rebel  Frost  and  his  myrmidions  ?  I 
come  to  give  him  battle,  having  heard  that  he  was 
hereabouts." 

The  Ethiopian  took  a  pentagonal  bite  of  hoecake, 
and  says  he  : 

"  Tell  Massa  Lincon  that  the  frost  war  werry  thick 
last  night,  but  hab  gone  by  this  time." 
.     Captain    Bob   Shorty  took   off  his   cap,  my  boy, 
looked  carefully  into  it,  put  it  on  again,  and  frowned 
awfully. 

"  Comrades,"  says  he,  addressing  the  troops,  "you 
have  all  heard  of  a  big  thing  on  Snyder.  You  now 
behold  it  before  you.  This  here  reconnoissance," 
says  he,  "  is  what  the  French  would  call  &  few-paw. 
We  must  turn  it  into  a  foraging  expedition.  Charge 
on  yonder  hay-stack,  and  remember  me  in  your 
prayers  !" 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  175 

'Twas  early  eve,  my  boy,  when  that  splendid 
army  returned  to  Potomac's  shore,  with  two  hay 
stacks  for  the  horses,  and  ten  Confederate  chickens 
for  supper. 

Nobody  hurt  on  our  side. 

I  inclose  the  following  brief  sketch  of  the  gallant 
soldier  who  commanded  in  this  brilliant  affair. 

CAPTAIN  ROBERT  SHORTY. 

This  brave  young  officer  was  born  in  the  Sixth 
Ward  of  New  York,  and  was  twenty-one  years  old 
upon  arriving  of  age.  When  but  a  lad,  he  studied 
tobacco  and  the  girls,  and  ran  to  fires  for  his  health. 
When  eligible  to  the  right  of  franchise,  he  voted 
seven  times  in  one  day,  and  attracted  so  much  atten 
tion  from  the  authorities  that  his  parents  resolved  to 
make  a  lawyer  of  him.  On  the  breaking  out  of  the 
war  with  Mexico,  he  offered  his  services  to  the  Gov 
ernment  as  a  major-general,  but,  for  some  reason,  was 
not  accepted.  He  will  probably  be  sent  to  supersede 
General  Halleck,  in  Missouri,  as  soon  as  any  one  of 
St.  Louis  writes  to  ask  the  President  for  another 
change. 

The  general  was  so  pleased  when  he  heard  of  this 
spirited  action,  my  boy,  that  he  offered  to  review  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  the  next  morning,  and  privately 
informed  me  that  he  considered  the  Southern  Confed- 


176  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

eracy  doomed  to  expire  in  less  than  three  months. 
He  said  that  it  was  already  tottering  to  its  fall,  which 
must  take  place  in  the  Spring. 
Perhaps  so,  my  boy— perhaps  so  ! 

Yours,  for  the  flag, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER  XXVII. 

TOUCHING  INCIDENTALLY  UPON  THE  CHARACTER  OF  ARMY  FOOD,  AND 
CELEBRATING  THE  GREAT  DIPLOMATIC  EXPLOIT  OP  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM 
BROWN  AT  ACCOMAC. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  January  19th,  1862. 

IN  the  early  part  of  the  week  I  resolved  to  go 
down  to  Accomac,  on  a  flying  visit  to  Captain  Villiam 
Brown  and  the  Conic  Section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade. 
Accordingly,  I  went  to  the  shoemaker's  after  my 
gothic  steed  Pegasus.  The  shoemaker,  had  said,  my 
boy,  that  there  was  enough  loose  leather  hanging 
about  the  architectural  animal  to  make  me  a  nice 
pair  of  slippers,  and  I  gave  him  permission  to  cut 
them  out.  The  operation  only  made  the  Morgan's 
back  look  a  little  more  like  the  roof  of  a  barn  ;  but 
I  like  him  all  the  better  for  that,  because  he  sheds 
the  rain  easier. 

The  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  at  first  in 
tended  to  accompany  me  to  Accomac  ;  and  says  he 
to  Samynle  Sa-mith,  the  orderly,  says  he  :  "  Samyule  ! 
just  step  down  to  the  anatomical  museum  of  the 
Western  chaps,  and  buy  me  the  best  horse  you  can 
find  in  the  collection.  Here's  a  dollar  and  half — 


178  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

fifty   cents  for   the    horse    and    a   dollar   for    your 
trouble." 

Samyule  came  back  in  about  forty  minutes,  and 
says  he  : 

"  Colonel  Wobert  Wobinson,  of  the  Western  Cav 
alry,  says  I  must  come  again  this  afternoon,  as  he 
don't  know  whether  there'll  be  any  horses  left  or 
not." 

"  Thunder  !"  says  the  General.     "  How  left  ?" 

"  Vy,"  says  Samyule,  "  he  can't  tell  whether  any 
horses  will  be  left  until  tho  boys  have  had  their  din 
ner,  can  he  1" 

"Ah  !"  says  the  General,  contemplatively,  "I  for 
got  the  beef-soup  recommended  by  the  doctors.  It 
will  be  a  pleasant  change  for  the  boys,"  says  he, 
"from  the  mutton  that  was  so  plenty  just  after  them 
mules  died." 

Speaking  of  dinner,  my  boy  ;  let  me  tell  you  about 
a  curious  occurrence  in  our  camp  lately.  Just  after 
a  load  of  rations  had  come  in,  a  New  York  chap  says 
to  me,  says  he  : 

"I'm  glad  they're  going  to  put  down  the  Kuss 
pavement  here  pretty  soon  ;  for  it's  getting  damp  as 
thunder." 

"  Id-jut !"  said  I,  sarcastically,  "  where  have  you 
seen  any  Russ  pavement  ?" 

He  just  took  me  softly  by  the  arm,  my  boy,  and 
led  me  a  little  way,  and  pointed,  and  says  he  : 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERK    PAPERS.  179 

"  If  you'll  just  look  there,  you'll  see  some  of  the 
blocks." 

"  Why/'  says  I,  "  those  are  army  biscuit  for  the 
men/' 

"  Biscuit  !"  says  he,  rubbing  his  stomach,  and 
turning  up  his  eyes  like  a  cat  with  the  apoplexy — "  if 
them's  biscuit,  Bunker  Hill  Monument  must  be  built 
of  flour— that's  all." 

And  he  went  out  and  took  the  Oath. 

On  arriving  at  Accomac,  my  boy,  I  asked  a  blue- 
and-gold  picket  where  Villiam  Brown  was,  and  he 
said  that  he  was  in  the  library. 

The  library  was  used  by  the  former  occupants  of 
the  residence  as  a  hen-house,  and  contains  two  vol 
umes — Hardee  abridged,  and  "  Every  Man  His  Own 
Letter- Writer,"  Seward's  edition. 

I  found  Captain  Villiam  Brown  seated  on  what 
was  formerly  a  Shanghai's  nest,  my  boy,  with  his  feet 
out  of  the  window,  and  his  head  against  a  roost.  He 
was  studying  the  last-named  book,  and  sipping  Old 
Bourbon  the  Oath,  in  the  intervals.  The  intervals 
were  numerous. 

"  Son  of  the  Eagle,"  says  I,  "  you  remind  me  of 
Sir  Walter  Scott,  at  Abbotsford." 

Villiam  looked  abstractedly  at  me,  at  the  same  time 
moving  the  tumbler  a  little  further  from  my  hand, 
and  says  he  : 

"I've  been  in  the  agonies  of  diplomacy,  but  feel 


180  OKPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

much  better.  "  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  beaming  like  a 
new  comet,  "  I've  preserved  our  foreign  relations 
peaceful,  without  humbling  the  United  States  of 
America/' 

I  asked  an  explanation,  and  he  informed  me  that 
on  the  evening  before,  one  of  his  men  had  boarded  an 
Accornac  scow  in  Goose  Creek,  and  captured  two  op 
pressed  negroes,  named  Johnson  and  Peyton,  who 
were  carrying  news  to  the  enemy.  "  At  first,"  says 
Villiam,  sternly,  "  I  thought  of  letting  them  off  with 
hanging,  but  I  soon  felt  that  they  deserved  something 
worse,  and  so — "  says  Villiam,  with  a  malignant 
scowl  that  made  my  blood  run  cold — "  and  so,  I  sen 
tenced  them  to  read  Sumner's  speech  on  the  Trent 
affair." 

On  the  following  morning  there  came  the  following 
letter  from  the  righteously-exasperated  citizens  of 
Accomac,  which  Yilliam  labeled  as 

DOCKYMENT    I. 

SWEET  VILLIAM — SIR  : — I  am  instructed  by  the 
neutral  Government  of  Accomac  to  assure  the  United 
States  of  America,  that  the  feeling  at  present  exist 
ing  between  the  two  Governments  is  of  such  a  cordial 
nature,  that  love  itself  never  inspired  more  heaving 
emotions  in  the  buzzums  of  conglomerated  youth. 

Therefore,  the  outrage  committed  by  the  United 
States  of  America  on  the  flag  of  Accomac,  in  remov 
ing  from  its  protection  two  gentlemen  named  John- 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  181 

son  and  Peyton,  is  something  for  demons  to  rejoice 
over.  The  daughter  of  the  latter  gentleman  has 
already  slapped  her  mother  in  the  face,  and  bared  her 
buzzum  to  the  breeze. 

I  am  instructed  by  the  government  of  Accomac  to 
demand  the  instant  return  of  the  two  gentlemen, 
together  with  an  ample  apology  for  the  base  deed,  and 
the  amount  of  that  little  bill  for  forage. 

Again  assuring  you  of  the  cordial  feeling  existing 
between  the  two  countries,  and  the  passionate  affec 
tion  I  feel  for  yourself,  I  am,  dear  sir,  most  truly, 
dear  sir,  as  ever,  respected  sir,  your  attached 

WILLIAM  G-OAT. 

On  receiving  this  communication  from  Mr.  Goat, 
my  boy,  Captain  Villiam  Brown  removed  Lieutenant 
Thomas  Jenks  from  the  command  of  the  artillery, 
and  ordered  six  reviews  of  the  troops  without  um 
brellas.  He  then  had  a  small  keg  of  the  Oath  rolled 
into  the  library,  rumpled  up  his  hair,  shut  one  eye, 
and  replied  to  Mr.  Goat  with 

DOCKYMENT    II. 

LORD  GOAT — SIR  : — I  take  much  felicity  in  receiv 
ing  your  lordship's  note,  which  shows  that  the  neutral 
Government  of  Accomac  and  the  United  States  of 
America  still  cherish  the  feelings  that  do  credit  to 
Anglo-Saxon  hearts  of  the  same  parentage. 

The  two  black  beings,  at  present  stopping  in  the 
barn  attached  to  the  present  head-quarters,  were 
contraband  of  war  ;  but  were,  nevertheless,  engaged 


182  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

in  the  peaceful  occupation  of  asking  the  protection 
of  your  lordship's  government. 

Were  I  to  decide  this  question  in  favor  of  the 
United  States  of  America,  I  should  forever  forfeit 
the  right  of  every  American  citizen  to  treat  niggers 
as  sailable  articles,  since  I  would  thereby  deny  their 
right  to  sail.  The  Congress  of  the  United  States  of 
America  has  been  fighting  for  this  right  for  more 
than  a  quarter  of  a  century,  and  I  cannot  find  it  in 
me  heart  to  debar  it  of  that  divine  privilege  for  the 
future. 

I  might  cite  Wheaton,  Story,  Bulwer,  Kent,  Mar- 
ryat,  Sheridan,  and  Busteed,  to  sustain  my  position, 
were  I  familiar  with  those  international  righters. 

Therefore  I  am  compelled  to  humble  your  lord 
ship's  government  by  returning  the  two  black  beings 
aforesaid,  and  beg  leave  to  assure  your  lordship  that 
I  am  your  lordship's  only  darling, 

VILLIAM  BROWN,  Eskevire, 
Captain  Conic  Section,  Mackerel  Brigade. 

'  After  reading  this  able  and  brilliant  document,  my 
boy,  I  told  Villiam  that  I  thought  he  had  made  a 
very  good  point  about  negroes  always  being  "  sailable 
articles/'  and  he  said  that  was  diplomacy. 

"Ah!"  says  he,  sadly,  "my  father  always  said 
that  if  you  could  not  get  over  a  rail  fence  by  high- 
jump-acy,  there  was  nothing  like  dip-low-macy.  My 
dad  was  a  natural  statesman.  Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  in 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  183 

a  fine  burst  of  filial  emotion,  "  I  wonder  where  the 
durned  old  fool  is  now." 

This  idea  plunged  him  into  such  a  depth  of  reverie, 
that  I  left  him  without  another  word,  mounted  Peg 
asus,  and  ambled  reflectively  back  to  the  Capitol. 

Diplomacy  brings  out  the  intellect  of  a  nation,  my 
boy,  and  is  a  splendid  thing  to  use  until  we  get  our 
navy  finished. 

Yours,  in  memory  of  Metternich, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXVIII. 

CONCERNING  THE  CONTINUED  INACTIVITY  OF  THE  POTOMAC  ARMY,  AND 
SHOWING  HOW  IT  WAS  POETICALLY  CONSTRUED  BY  A  THOUGHTFUL 
RADICAL. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  January  30th,  1862. 

NOTWITHSTANDING  the  hideous  howlings  of  the 
Black  ^Republicans,  my  boy,  and  the  death  of  six 
Confederate  pickets  from  old  age,  the  Army  of  the 
Potomac  will  not  commence  the  forward  movement 
until  the  mud  subsides  sufficiently  to  show  where 
some  of  the  camps  are.  The  Mackerel  Brigade  dug 
out  a  regiment  yesterday,  near  Alexandria ;  but 
there's  no  use  of  continuing  the  business  without  a 
dredging-machine. 

I  was  talking  to  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  on  Tuesday, 
respecting  the  inactivity  of  the  army,  and  says  he  : 

"  It's  all  very  well  to  talk  about  making  an  advance, 
my  beauty  ;  but  I've  known  one  of  the  smartest  men 
in  the  country  to  fail  in  it." 

"  What  mean  you,  fellow  ?"  says  I. 

"Why,"  says  he,  "you  know  Simpson,  your 
uncle  ?" 

"  I  believe  you,  my  boy  !"  says  I. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  185 

"Well!"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  "that  air 
Simpson  is  one  of  the  smartest  old  cusses  in  the 
country — yet  there  ain't  no  '  On  to  Kichmond '  about 
him.  I  asked  him  once,  myself,  to  make  an  advance. 
I  asked  him  to  make  an  advance  on  my  repeater,  and 
he  said-  he  couldn't." 

This  argument,  my  boy,  exposes  thoroughly  the 
base  disloyalty  and  fiendish  designs  of  the  newspaper 
brigadiers  who  are  constantly  urging  McClellan  to 
advance — advance !  Let  them  all  be  sent  to  Fort 
Lafayette,  and  the  moral  effect  on  this  cursed  rebel 
lion  will  be  such  that  it  will  utterly  collapse  in  two 
hours  and  forty- three  minutes. 

The  serious  New  Haven  chap,  of  whom  I  spoke  to 
you  some  time  ago,  takes  a  "radical"  view  of  our 
long  halt,  and  gives  his  ideas  in 

THE   MIDNIGHT  WATCH. 

Soldier,  soldier,  wan  and  gray, 

Standing  there  so  very  still, 
On  the  outpost  looking  South, 

What  is  there  to-night  to  kill  ? 

Through  the  mist  that  rises  thick 

From  the  noisome  marsh  around, 
I  can  see  thee  like  a  shade 

Cast  from  something  underground. 

And  I  know  that  thou  art  old, 

For  thy  features,  sharp,  and  thin, 
Cut  their  lines  upon  the  shroud 

Damply  folding  thee  within. 


186  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

Fit  art  thou  to  watch  and  guard 

O'er  the  brake  and  o'er  the  bog; 
By  the  glitter  of  thine  eyes 
Thou  canst  pierce  a  thicker  fog. 

Tell  me,  soldier,  grim  and  old, 
If  thy  tongue  is  free  to  say, 

What  thou  seest  looking  South, 
In  that  still  and  staring  way? 

Tonderward  the  fires  may  glow 
Of  a  score  of  rebel  camps ; 

But  thou  canst  not  see  their  lights, 
Through  the  chilling  dews  and  damps. 

Silent  still,  and  motionless? 

Get  thee  to  the  tents  behind, 
Where  the  flag  for  which  we  fight 

Plays  a  foot-ball  to  the  wind. 

Get  thee  to  the  bankments  high, 
Where  a  thousand  cannon  sleep, 

While  the  call  that  bids  them  wake 
Bids  a  score  of  millions  weep. 

Thou  shalt  find  an  army  there, 
Working  out  the  statesman's  plots, 

While  a  poison  banes  the  laud, 
And  a  noble  nation  rots. 

Thou  shalt  find  a  soldier-host 
Tied  and  rooted  to  its  place, 

Like  a  woman  cowed  and  dumb, 
Staring  Treason  in  the  face. 

Dost  thou  hear  me  ?     Speak,  or  move  I 
And  if  thou  wouldst  pass  the  line, 

Give  the  password  of  the  night — 
Halt !  and  givo  the  countersign. 


ORPHEUS   0.    KERB   PAPERS.  187 

God  of  Heaven !    what  is  this 

Sounding  through  the  frosty  air, 
In  a  cadence  stern  and  slow, 

From  the  figure  looming  there ! 

"Sentry,  thou  hast  spoken  well" — 

Through  the  mist  the  answer  came— 
"I  am  wrinkled,  grim,  and  old, 

May'st  thou  live  to  be  the  same  1 

"Thou  art  here  to  keep  a  watch 

Over  prowlers  coming  nigh ; 
I  can  show  thee,  looking  South, 
"What  is  hidden  from  thine  eye. 

u  Here,  the  loyal  armies  sleep  ; 

There,  tho  foe  awaits  them  all; 
"Who  can  tell  before  the  time 

"Which  shall  triumph,  which  shall  fall  ? 

"  0,  but  war's  a  royal  game, 

Here  a  move  and  there  a  pause; 
Little  recks  the  dazzled  world 
What  may  be  the  winner's  cause. 

"In  the  roar  of  sweating  guns, 

In  the  crash  of  sabres  crossed, 
"Wisdom  dwindles  to  a  fife, 
Justice  in  the  smoke  is  lost. 

"But  there  is  a  mightier  blow 

Than  tho  rain  of  lead  and  steel, 
Falling  from  a  heavier  hand 
Than  the  one  the  vanquished  feel 

"Let  the  armies  of  the  North 

Rest  them  thus  for  many  a  night; 
Not  with  them  the  issue  lies, 

'Twist  tho  powers  of  "Wrong  and  Right. 


188  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

.  "Through  the  fog  that  wraps  us  round 

I  can  see,  as  with  a  glass, 
Far  beyond  the  rebel  hosts 

Fires  that  cluster,  pause,  and  pass. 

"From  the  wayside  and  the  wood, 

From  the  cabin  and  the  swamp, 
Crawl  the  harbingers  of  blood, 

Black  as  night,  with  torch  and  lamp. 

"Now  they  blend  in  one  dense  throng; 

Hark !   they  whisper,  as  in  ire — 
Catch  the  word  before  it  dies — 
Hear  the  horrid  murmur — '  Fire  1* 

"Mothers,  with  your  babes  at  rest, 

Maidens  in  your  dreaming-land— 
Brothers,  children — wake  ye  all! 
The  Avenger  is  at  hand. 

"Born  by  thousands  in  a  flash, 

Angry  flames  bescourgo  the  air, 
And  the  bowlings  of  the  blacks 
Fan  them  to  a  fiercer  glare. 

"Crash  the  windows,  burst  the  doors^ 

Let  the  helpless  call  for  aid; 
From  the  hell  within  they  rush 
On  the  negro's  reeking  blade. 

"Through  the  flaming  doorway  arch, 
Half-dressed  women  frantic  dart ; 
Demon  1    spare  that  kneeling  girl — 
God!   the  knife  is  in  her  heart. 

"By  his  hair  so  thin  and  gray 

Forth  they  drag  the  aged  sire; 
First,  a  stab  to  stop  his  pray'r — 
Hurl  him  back  into  tho  fire. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  189 

"  What !   a  child,  a  mother's  pride, 

Crying  shrilly  with  affright! 
Dash  the  axe  upon  her  skull, 
Show  no  mercy — she  is  white. 

"Louder,  louder  roars  the  flame, 

Blotting  out  the  Southern  home, 
Fainter  grow  the  dying  shrieks, 
Fiercer  cries  of  vengeance  come. 

"  Turn,  ye  armies,  where  ye  stand, 

Glaring  in  each  others'  eyes ; 

While  ye  halt,  a  cause  is  won ; 

While  ye  wait,  a  despot  dies. 

"  Greater  victory  has  been  gained 

Than  the  longest  sword  secures, 

And  the  Wrong  has  been  washed  out 

With  a  purer  blood  than  yours." 

Soldier,  by  my  mother's  pray'r ! 

Thou  dost  act  a  demon's  part ; 
Tell  me,  ere  I  strike  thee  dead, 

Whence  thou  comest,  who  thou  art 

Back!    I  will  not  let  thee  pass — 

Why,  that  dress  is  Putnam's  own! 
Soldier,  soldier,  where  art  thou? 

Vanished — like  a  shadow  gone ! 

The  Southern  Confederacy  may  come  to  that  yet, 
my  boy,  if  it  don't  take  warning  in  time  from  its 
patron  Saint.  I  refer  to  Saint  Domingo,  my  boy, — 
I  refer  to  Saint  Domingo. 

Yours,  musingly, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXIX. 

INTRODUCING  A  VERITABLE  "  MUDSILL,"  "ILLUSTRATING  YANKEE  BUSI 
NESS  TACT,  NOTING  THE  DETENTION  OF  A  NEWSPAPER  CHARTO- 
GRAPHIST,  AND  SO  ON. 

"WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  February  2<1,  1SC2. 

I  NEVER  really  knew  what  the  term  "  mudsill" 
meant,  my  boy,  until  I  saw  Captain  Bob  Shorty  on 
Tuesday.  I  was  out  in  a  field,  just  this  side  of  Fort 
Corcoran,  trimming  down  the  ears  of  my  gothic  steed 
Pegasus,  that  he  might  look  less  like  a  Titanic  rabbit, 
when  I  saw  approaching  me  an  object  resembling  a 
brown-stone  monument.  As  it  came  nearer,  I  dis 
covered  an  eruption  of  brass  buttons  at  intervals  in 
front,  and  presently  I  observed  the  lineaments  of  a 
Federal  face. 

"  Strange  being  !"  says  I,  taking  down  a  pistol 
from  the  natural  rack  on  the  side  of  my  steed,  and  at 
the  same  time  motioning  toward  my  sword,  which  I 
had  hung  on  one  of  his  hip  bones,  "  Art  thou  the 
shade  of  Metamora,  or  the  disembodied  spirit  of  a 
sand-bank  ?" 

"  My  ducky  darling,"  responded  the  a3olian  voice 
of  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  "  you  behold  a  mudsill  just 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  191 

emerged  from  a  liquified  portion  of  the  sacred  soil. 
The  mud  at  present  inclosing  the  Mackerel  Brigade 
is  unpleasant  to  the  personal  feelings  of  the  corps, 
but  the  effect  at  a  distance  is  unique.  As  you  survey 
that  expanse  of  mud  from  Arlington  Heights/'  con 
tinued  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  "  with  the  veterans  of 
the  Mackerel  Brigade  wading  about  in  it  up  to  their 
chins,  you  are  forcibly  reminded  of  a  limitless  plum- 
pudding,  well  stocked  with  animated  raisins." 

"  My  friend,"  says  I,  "  the  comparison  is  apt,  and 
reminds  me  of  Shakspeare's  happier  efforts.  But  tell 
me,  my  Pylades,  has  the  dredging  for  those  missing 
regiments  near  Alexandria  proved  successful  ?" 

Captain  Bob  Shorty  shook  the  mire  from  his  ears, 
and  then,  says  he  : 

"  Two  brigades  were  excavated  this  morning,  and 
are  at  present  building  a  raft  to  go  down  to  Wash 
ington  after  some  soap.  Let  us  not  utter  complaints 
against  the  mud,"  continued  Captain  Bob  Shorty, 
reflectively,  "  for  it  has  served  to  develop  the  genius 
of  New  England.  We  dug  out  a  Yankee  regiment 
from  Boston  first,  and  the  moment  those  wooden- 
nutmeg  chaps  got  their  breath,  they  went  to  work  at 
the  mud  that  had  almost  suffocated  them,  mixed  up 
some  spoiled  flour  with  it,  and  are  now  making  their 
eternal  fortunes  by  peddling  it  out  for  patent  ce 
ment." 

This  remark  of  the  captain's,  my  boy;  shows  that 


192  ORPHEUS    C.   KERB   PAPERS. 

the  spirit  of  New  England  still  retains  its  natural 
elasticity,  and  is  capable  of  greater  efforts  than  lignum 
vitse  hams  and  clocks  made  of  barrel  hoops  and  old 
coffee-pots.  I  have  heard  my  ancient  grandfather 
relate  an  example  of  this  spirit  during  the  war  of 
1812.  He  was  with  a  select  assortment  of  Pequog 
chaps  at  Bladensburg,  just  before  the  attack  on 
Washington,  and  word  came  secretly  to  them  that 
the  Britishers  down  in  the  Chesapeake  were  out  of 
flour3  and  would  pay  something  handsome  for  a  sup 
ply.  Now,  these  Pequog  chaps  had  no  flour,  my 
boy  ;  but  that  didn't  keep  them  out  of  the  specula 
tion.  They  went  into  the  nearest  graveyard,  dug  up 
all  the  tombstones,  and  put  them  into  an  old  quartz- 
crushing  machine,  pounded  them  to  powder,  sent  the 
powder  to  the  coast,  and  and  sold  it  to  the  Britishers 
for  the  very  best  flour,  at  twelve  dollars  and  a  half 
a  barrel ! 

And  can  such  a  people  as  this  be  conquered  by  a 
horde  of  godless  rebels  ?  Never  !  I  repeat  it,  sir — 
never  !  Should  the  Jeff.  Davis  mob  ever  get  posses 
sion  of  Washington,  the  Yankees  would  build  a  wall 
around  the  place,  and  invite  the  public  to  come  and 
see  the  menagerie,  at  two  shillings  a  head. 

On  Wednesday,  some  of  our  dryest  pickets  caught 
a  shabby,  long-haired  chap  loafing  around  the  camps 
with  a  big  block  and  sheet  of  paper  under  his  arm, 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS.          193 

and  brought  him  before  the  general  of  the  Mackerel 
Brigade. 

"  Well,  Samyule,"  says  the  general  to  one  of  the 
pickets,  "  what  is  your  charge  against  the  prisonier  ?" 

"  He  is  a  young  man  which  is  a  spy/'  replied  Sam- 
yule,  holding  up  the  sheet  of  paper  ;  "  and  I  take 
this  here  picture  of  his  to  be  the  Great  Seal  of  the 
Southern  Confederacy." 

"  Why  thinkest  thou  so,  my  cherub  ?  and  what 
does  the  work  of  art  represent?"  inquired  the 'gen 
eral. 

"  The  drawing  is  not  of  the  best,"  responded  Sam- 
yule,  closing  one  eye,  and  viewing  the  picture  criti 
cally  ;  "  but  I  should  say  that  it  represented  a  ham, 
with  a  fiddle  laid  across  it,  and  beefsteaks  in  the  cor 
ners." 

"  Miserable  vandal  !"  shouted  the  long-haired  chap, 
excitedly,  "you  know  not  what  you  say.  I  am  a 
Federal  artist ;  and  that  picture  is  a  map  of  the  coast 
of  North  Carolina,  for-  a  New  York  daily  paper." 

"  Thunder  !"  says  the  general — "  if  that's  a  map, 
a  patent  gridiron  must  be  a  whole  atlas." 

I  believe  him,  my  boy  ! 

As  a  person  of  erudition,  it  pleased  me  greatly,  my 
boy,  to  observe  that  our  more  moral  New  York  regi 
ments  cultivate  a  taste  for  reading,  and  are  even  so 
literary  that  they  can't  so  much  as  light  their  pipes 
without  a  leaf  out  of  a  hymn-book.  I  was  talking 

9 


194  ORPHEUS   C.   KERB   PAPERS. 

to  an  angular-shaped  chap  from  Montgomery  county 
the  other  day  about  this,  and  says  he  : 

"  Talk  about  reading  !  Why,  there's  fifty  news 
papers  sent  in  a  wrapper  to  our  officers  alone,  every 
day.  There's  ten  each  of  the  Tribune  and  Times, 
'ten  each  of  the  Boston  Post  and  Gazette,  ten  of  the 
Montgomery  Democrat,  and  one  New  York  Herald" 

"Look  here  !  my  second  Washington/'  says  I, 
"  your  story  don't  hang  together.  You  say  you  have 
fifty"  papers  daily  •  but  according  to  my  account  that 
copy  of  the  Herald  makes  fifty-one." 

"  Did  I  not  tell  you  that  they  came  in  a  wrapper  ?' 
says  the  chap,  with  great  dignity. 

"  You  did,"  says  I. 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  the  Herald  is  the  wrapper." 

This  morning,  my  boy,  I  went  with  Colonel  Wobert 
Wobinson  to  look  at  some  new  horses  he  had  just 
imported  from  the  Erie  Canal  stables  for  the  Western 
cavalry,  and  was  much  pleased  with  the  display  of 
bone-work.  One  animal,  in  particular,  interested  me 
greatly  ;  he  was  born  in  1776,  had  both  of  his  hind- 
legs  broken  on  the  frontier,  in  one  of  the  battles  of 
1812,  and  lost  both  his  eyes  and  his  tail  at  the  taking 
of  Mexico.  The  colonel  stated  that  he  had  selected 
this  splendid  animal  for  his  own  use  in  the  field. 

Another  fine  calico  animal  of  the  stud  was  attached 
to  the  suite  of  Washington  at  the  famous  crossing  of 
the  Delaware,  and  is  said  to  have  surprised  the  Hes- 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  195 

sians  at  Trenton  as  much  as  the  army  did.  Previous 
to  losing  his  teeth  he  .was  sold  to  a  Western  dealer  in 
hides  for  three  dollars  ;  and  the  dealer,  being  an  en 
thusiastic  Union  man,  has  let  the  Government  have 
the  animal  for  one  hundred  and  ten  dollars. 

A  mousseline-de-laine  mare  also  attracted  my  notice. 
She  was  sired  by  the  favorite  racer  of  the  Marquis  de 
Lafayette,  and  has  been  damned  by  everybody  at 
tempting  to  drive  her.  The  pretty  beast  comes  from 
the  celebrated  Bone  Mill  belonging  to  the  Erie  Canal, 
and  only  cost  the  Government  two  hundred  dollars. 

Believing  that  the  public  funds  are  being  judiciously 
expended,  my  boy,  I  remain, 

Fondly  thine  own,         ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXX. 

DESCRIPTION  OF  THE  GORGEOUS  PKTE  AT  THE  WHITE  HOUSE,  INCLUD 
ING  THE  OBSERVATIONS  OF  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN  :  WITH  SOME 
NOTE  OF  THE  TOILETTES,  CONFECTIONS,  AND  PUNCH. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  February  7th,  1862. 

NOTWITHSTANDING  your  general  ignorance  of  Nat 
ural  History,  my  boy,  you  may  be  aware  that  when 
the  eagle  is  wounded  by  the  huntsman,  instead  of 
seeking  some  thick-set  tree  or  dismal  swamp,  there  to 
die  like  a  common  bird,  he  soars  straight  upward  in 
the  full  eye  of  the  sun,  and  bathes  in  all  the  glories 
of  noonday,  while  his  eyes  grow  dull  with  agony,  and 
his  talons  are  stiffening  in  death  ;  nor  does  he  fall 
from  the  dazzling  empyrean  until  the  last  stroke  of 
fate  hurls  him  downward  like  a  thunderbolt. 

Our  Union,  my  boy — our  Land  of  the  Eagle — is 
stricken  sorely,  and  perhaps  to  death  ;  but  like  the 
proud  bird  of  Jove,  it  disdains  to  grow  morbid  in  its 
agonies  ;  and  the  occasional  sighs  of  its  patient 
struggling  millions,  are  lost  in  sounds  of  death-defy 
ing  revelry  at  the  dauntless  capital. 

All  the  best-looking  uniforms  in  the  army  were  in 
vited  to  Mrs.  Lincoln's  ball  at  the  White  House  on 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS.         197 

Wednesday,  and  of  course  I  was  favored,  together 
with  the  general  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  and  Cap 
tain  Villiam  Brown,  of  Accomac.  My  ticket,  my 
boy,  was  as  aristocractic  as  a  rooster's  tail  at  sunrise  : 


(CUTLETS.)  E pluri  bust  Union.  (OYSTERS.) 

ORPHEUS   C.   KERR, 
Pleasure  of  your  Company  at  the  White  House, 

(R.  S.  V.  P.)  WEDNESDAY,  Feb.  5th,  1862. 

8  o'clock,  P.  M. 

(HALF  MOURNING  FOR  PRINCE  ALBERT.) 

(NO  SMOKING   ALOUD.) 


At  an  early  hour  on  the  evening  of  the  fete,  the 
general  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  came  to  my  room  in 
a  perfect  perspiration  of  brass  buttons  and  white 
kids,  and  I  asked  him  what  "no  smoking  aloud" 
meant. 

"Why,"  says  he,  putting  his  wig  straight  and 
licking  a  stray  drop  of  brandy  from  one  of  his  gloves, 
"  it  means  that  if  you  try  to  '  smoke'  any  of  the  gen 
erals  at  the  ball  as  to  the  plan  of  the  campaign,  you 
mustn't  do  it  i  aloud/  Thunder  !"  says-  the  general, 
in  a  fine  glow  of  enthusinsm,  "  the  only  plan  of  the 
campaign  that  I  know  anything  about,  is  the  rata 
plan." 

Satisfied  with  the  general's  explanation,  I  proceeded 
with  my  toilet,  and  presently  beamed  upon  him  in  such 
a  resplendent  conglomeration  of  ruffles,  brass  buttons, 


198  ORPHEUS    C.   KEER   PAPERS. 

epaulettes  and  Hungarian  pomade,  that  he  said  I  re 
minded  him  of  a  comet  just  come  out  of  a  feather-bed, 
with  its  tail  done  up  in  papers. 

"  My  Magnus  Apollo/'  says  he,  "  the  way  you  hear 
that  white  cravat  shows  you  to  be  of  rich  but  genteel 
parentage.  Any  man/'  says  he,  "who  can  wear  a 
white  cravat  without  looking  like  a  coachman,  may 
pass  for  a  gentleman-born.  Two-thirds  of  the  clergy 
men  who  wear  it  look  like  footmen  in  their  grave- 
clothes." 

We  then  took  a  hack  to  the  White  House,  my 
boy,  and  on  arriving  there  were  delighted  to  find  that 
the  rooms  were  already  filling  with  statesmen,  miss- 
statesmen,  mrs-statesmen,  and  officers,  who  had  so 
much  lace  and  epaulettes  about  them  that  they 
looked  like  walking  brass-founderies  with  the  front 
door  open. 

The  first  object  that  attracted  my  special  attention, 
however,  was  a  thing  that  I  took  for  a  large  and  or 
namental  pair  of  tongs  leaning  against  a  mantel, 
figured  in  blue  enamel,  with  a  life-like  imitation  of  a 
window-brush  on  top.  I  directed  the  general's  atten 
tion  to  it,  and  asked  him  if  that  was  one  of  the  unique 
gifts  presented  to  the  Government  by  the  late  Japa 
nese  embassy  ? 

"Thunder!"  says  the  general,  "that's  no  tongs. 
It's  the  young  man  which  is  Captain  Villiam  Brown, 
of  Accomac.  Now  that  I  look  at  him,"  says  the  gen- 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  199 

eral,  thoughtfully,  "he  reminds  me  of  an  old-fashioned 
straddle-bug."  ' 

Stepping  from  one  lady's  dress  to  another,  until  I 
reached  the  side  of  the  Commander  of  the  Aecomac, 
I  slapped  him  on  the  back,  and  says  I : 

"  How  are  you,  my  blue-bird  ;  and  what  do  you 
think  of  this  brilliant  assemblage  ?" 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  starting  out  of  a  brown 
study,  and  putting  Borne  cloves  in  his  mouth,  •  to 
disguise  the  water  he'd  drank  on  his  way  from  Aeco 
mac — "  I  was  just  thinking  what  my  poor  old 
mother  would  say  if  she  could  see  me  and  the  other 
snobs  here  to-night.  When  I  look  on  the  women  of 
America  around  me  to-night/'  says  Villiam,  feel 
ingly,  "  and  see  how  much  they've  cut  off  from  the 
tops  of  their  dresses,  to  make  bandages  for  our 
wounded  soldiers,  I  can't  help  feeling  that  their 
'  neck-or-nothing '  appearance — so  far  from  being  in 
delicate,  is  a  very  delicate  proof  of  their  devoted  love 
of  Union." 

"  I  agree  with  you,  my  azure  humanitarian,"  says 
I.  "  There's  precious  little  waist  about  such  dresses." 

Villiam  closed  one  eye,  turned  his  head  one-side 
like  a  facetious  canary,  and  says  he  : 

Now  lovely  woman  scants  her  dress,  with  bandages 
the  sick  to  bless  ;  and  stoops  so  far  to  war's  alarms, 
her  very  frock  is  under  arms  !" 

I  believe  him,  my  boy  ! 


200  ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

Keturning  to  the  General,  we  took  a  turn  in  the 
East  Koom,  and  enjoyed  the  panorama  of  youth, 
beauty,  and  whiskers,  that  wound  its  variegated 
length  before  us. 

The  charming  Mrs.  L ,  of  Illinois,  was  richly 

attired  in  a  frock  and  gloves,  and  wore  a  wreath  of 
flowers  from  amaranthine  bowers.  She  was  affable  as 
an  angel  with  a  new  pair  of  wings,  and  was  uni 
versally  allowed  to  be  the  most  beautiful  woman 
present. 

The  enthralling  Miss  C ,  from  Ohio,  was  ele 
gantly  clad  in  a  dress,  and  wore  number-four  gaiters. 
So  brilliant  was  her  smile,  that  when  she  laughed  at 
one  of  Lord  Lyons'  witicisms,  all  one  corner  of  the 
room  was  wrapped  in  a  glare  of  light,  and  several 
nervous  dowagers  cried  "  Fire  !"  Her  beauty  was 
certainly  the  most  beautiful  present. 

The  fascinating  Miss  L ,  of  Pennsylvania,  was 

superbly  robed  in  an  attire  of  costly  material,  with 
expensive  flounces.  She  wore  two  gloves  and  a  com 
plete  pair  of  ear-rings,  and  spoke  so  musically  that 
the  leader  of  the  Marine  Band  thought  there  was  an 
asolian  harp  in  the  window.  She  was  certainly  the 
most  beautiful  woman  present. 

The  bewitching  Mrs.  G ,  from  Missouri,  was 

splendidly  dressed  in  a  breastpin  and  lace  flounces, 
and  wore  her  hair  brushed  back  from  a  forehead  like 
Mount  Athos.  Her  eves  reminded  one  of  diamond 


ORPHEUS  C,  KERR  PAPERS.          201 

springs  sparkling  in  the  shade  of  whispering  willows. 
She  was  decidedly  the  finest  type  of  beauty  present. 

The  President  wore  his  coat  and  whiskers,  and 
bowed  to  all  salutations  like  a  graceful  door-hinge. 

There  was  a  tall  Western  Senator  present,  who 
smiled  so  much  above  his  stomach,  that  I  was  re 
minded  of  the  beautiful  lines  : 

'*  As  some  tall  cliff  that  lifts  its  awful  form, 
Swells  from  the  vale,  and  midway  leaves  the  storm ; 
Though  round  its  base  a  country's  ruin  spread, 
Eternal  moonshine  settles  on  its  head." 

Upon  going  into  the  supper-room,  my  boy,  I  be 
held  a  paradise  of  eatables  that  made  me  wish  myself 
a  knife  and  pork,  with  nothing  but  a  bottle  of  mustard 
to  keep  me  company.  There  were  oysters  d  la  fun- 
dum;  turkeys  d  la  ruffles;  chickens  d  la  Mcthusaleh; 
beef  d  la  Bull  Run;  fruit  dlastumikake;  jellies  d  la 
Kallararmorbus ;  and  ices  d  la  aguefitz. 

The  ornamental  confectionary  was  beautifully  sym 
bolical  of  the  times.  At  one  end  of  the  table,  there 
was  a  large  lump  of  white  candy,  with  six  carpet- 
tacks  lying  upon  it.  This  represented  the  "  Tax  on 
Sugar."  At  the  other  end  was  a  large  platter,  con 
taining  imitation  mud,  in  which  two  candy  brigadiers 
were  swimming  towards  each  other,  with  their  swords 
between  their  teeth.  This  symbolized  "  War." 

These  being  very  hard  times,  my  boy,  and  the 
Executive  not  being  inclined  to  be  too  expensive  in 


202          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

its  marketing,  a  most  ingenious  expedient  was  adopted 
to  make  it  appear  that  there  was  just  twice  as  much 
of  certain  costly  delicacies  on  the  table  as  there  really 
was.  About  the  centre  of  the  table  lay  a  large  mirror, 
and  on  this  were  placed  a  few  expensive  dishes.  Of 
course,  the  looking-glass  gave  them  a  double  effect. 
For  instance,  if  there  was  a  pound  of  beefsteak  on 
the  plate,  it  produced  another  pound  in  the  glass, 
and  the  effect  was  two  pounds. 

When  economy  can  be  thus  artistically  blended 
with  plentitude,  my  boy,  money  ceases  to  be  king, 
and  butcher-bills  dwindle.  Hereafter,  when  I  re 
ceive  for  my  rations  a  pint  of %  transparent  coffee  and 
two  granite  biscuit,  I  shall  use  a  looking-glass  for  a 
plate. 

It  was  the  very  which-ing  hour  of  the  night  when 
the  general  and  myself  left  the  glittering  scene,  and 
we  had  to  ask  several  patrols  "  which"  way  to  go. 

On  parting  with  my  comrade-in-arms,  says  I  : 

"  General,  the  ball  is  a  success/' 

He  looked  at  me  in  three  winks,  and  says  he  : 

"It  was  a  success — particularly  the  bowl  of 
punch  !"  Yours,  for  soda-water, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXXI. 

TREATING    OF    THE    GREAT     MILITARY     ANACONDA,    AND    THE    MODERN 
XANTIPPE. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  February  16th,  1862. 

THERE  is  still  much  lingual  gymnastics,  my  boy, 
concerning  the  recent  fete,  sham-pate  at  the  White 
House  ;  but  Colonel  Wobert  Wobinson,  of  the  West 
ern  Cavalry,  has  extinguished  the  grumblers  by  prov 
ing  that  the  entertainment  was  strictly  Constitutional. 
He  profoundly  observes,  my  boy,  that  it  comes  under 
the  head  of  that  clause  of  the  Constitution  which 
secures  to  the  people  of  America  the  "pursuit  of  hap 
piness  ;"  and,  as  he  justly  remarks,  if  you  stop  the 
"  pursuit  of  happiness/'  where's  the  Instrument  of 
our  Liberties  ? 

It  pleases  me  greatly  to  announce,  my  boy,  that 
the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  believes  in 
McClellan,  and  gorgeously  defends  him  against  the 
attacks  of  that  portion  of  the  depraved  press  which 
has  friends  dying  of  old  age  in  the  Army  of  the 
Potomac. 

"  Thunder  !"  says  he  to  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  stir 
ring  the  Oath  in  his  tumbler  with  a  tooth-brush — 


204  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPEfRS. 

"  the  way  Little  Mac  is  devoting  himself  to  the  mili 
tary  squelching  of  this  here  unnatural  rebellion,  is 
actually  outraging  his  physical  nature.  He  reviews 
his  staff  twice  a  day,  goes  over  the  river  every  five 
minutes,  studies  international  law  six  hours  before 
dinner,  takes  soundings  of  the  mud  every  time  the 
dew  falls,  and  takes  so  little  sleep,  that  there's  two 
inches  of  dust  on  one  of  his  eye-balls.  Would  you 
believe  it,"  says  the  General,  placing  the  tumbler 
over  his  nose  to  keep  off  a  fly,  "  his  devotion  is  such 
that  his  hair  is  turning  gray  and  will  probably  dye  !" 

Captain  Bob  Shorty  whistled.  I  do  not  mean  to 
say  that  he  intended  to  be  musically  satirical,  my 
boy  ;  but  if  I  should  hear  such  a  canary-bird  remark 
after  I'd  told  a  story,  somebody  would  go  home  with 
his  eyes  done  up  in  rainbows. 

"Permit  me"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  hurling 
what  remained  of  the  Oath  into  the  aperture  under 
his  moustache.  "  You  convince  me  that  Little  Mac's 
devotion  is  extraordinary/'  continued  Captain  Bob 
Shorty,  dreamily  ;  "  but  he  don't  come  up  to  a  chap 
I  once  knew,  which  was  a  editor.  Talk  about  devo 
tion  !  and  outraging  nature  !"  says  Captain  Bob 
Shorty,  spitting  with  exquisite  accuracy  into  the 
eyes  of  the  regimental  cat,  "why,  that  ere  editor 
threw  body,  soul,  and  breeches  into  his  work  ;  and  so 
completely  identified  himself  with  a  free  and  enlight 
ened  press,  that  his  first  child  was  a  newsboy" 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PATERS.  205 

The  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  arose  from 
his  seat,  my  boy,  wound  up  his  watch,  brushed  off 
his  boots,  threw  the  cat  out  of  the  window,  and  then 
says  he  : 

"  Robert,  name  of  Shorty,  did  you  ever  read  in  the 
Bible  about  Ananias,  who  was  struck  dead  for  telling 
a  telegraph  ?" 

"  I  heard  about  him,"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty, 
"when  I  was  but  a  innocent  lamb,  and  wore  my 
mother's  slipper  on  my  back  about  as  often  as  she 
wore  it  on  her  foot." 

"  Well,"  says  the  general,  with  the  air  of  a  thought 
ful  parent,  "  it's  my  opinion  that  if  you'd  been  Ana 
nias,  the  same  streak  of  lightning  would  have  buried 
you  and  paid  the  sexton." 

From  this  logical  and  vivid  conversation,  iny  boy, 
you  will  understand  that  our  leading  military  men 
have  perfect  faith  in  the  genius  of  McClellan,  and 
believe  that  he  is  equal  to  fifty  yards  of  the  S  tar- 
Spangled  Banner.  His  great  anaconda  has  gathered 
itself  in  a  circle  around  the  doomed  rabbit  of  rebel 
lion,  and  if  the  rabbit  swells  he's  a  goner. 

This  great  anaconda,  my  boy,  may  remind  hellish 
readers  of  the  anaconda  once  seen  by  a  chap  of  my 
acquaintance  living  in  the  Sixth  Ward.  This  chap, 
my  boy,  came  tearing  into  a  place  where  they  kept 
the  Oath  on  tap,  and  says  he  : 

"  I've  just  seen  an  anaconda  down  Broadway." 


206  ORPHEUS    C.    K.EHR    PAPERS. 

"  Anna  who  ?"  says  a  red-nosed  Alderman,  dipping 
his  finger  into  the  water  on  the  stove  to  see  if  it  was 
warm  enough  to  melt  some  brandy-refined  sugar. 

"  I  said  Anaconda,  you  ignorant  cuss/'  says  the 
chap. 

"  Was  it  the  real  insect  ?"  says  the  Alderman. 

"  It  was  a  real,  original,  genuine  Anaconda/'  says 
the  chap. 

"  Ah  !"  says  the  Alderman,  "  somebody's  been  stuf- 
fin'  you." 

"  No,  sir  !"  says  the  chap,  but  somebody's  been 
stuifin'  the  Anaconda,  though." 

He'd  been  to  the  Museum. 

If  there  should  be  among  your  unfortunate  readers, 
my  boy,  any  persons  of  such  depraved  minds  as  to 
perceive  a  likeness  between  this  Anaconda  and  that 
Anaconda,  may  they  be  sent  to  Fort  Lafayette,  and 
compelled  to  read  Tupper's  poems  until  the  rabbit  of 
rebellion  is  reduced  to  his  last  quarter ! 

Early  this  morning  a  couple  of  snuff-colored  pickets 
brought  a  female  Southern  Confederacy  into  camp, 
stating  that  she  had  called  them  nasty  things  and  spit 
all  over  their  guns.  She  said  that  she  wanted  to  see 
the  loathsome  creature  that  commanded  them,  and 
her  eyes  flashed  so  when  they  took  her  by  the  arm, 
that  her  vail  took  fire  twice,  and  her  eyebrows  smoked 
repeatedly. 

The  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  received  her 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  207 

courteously,  only  poking  her  in  the  ribs  to  see  if  she 
had  any  Armstrong  guns  concealed  about  her.  Says  he : 

"  Have  I  the  honor  of  addressing  the  wife  of  the 
Southern  Confederacy  ?" 

The  female  confederacy  drew  herself  up  as  proudly 
as  the  First  Family  of  Virginia  when  the  butcher's 
bill  comes  to  be  paid,  and  replied,  in  soprano  of  great 
compass  : — 

"  I  am  that  injured  woman,  you  ugly  swine." 

The  General  bowed  until  his  lips  touched  a  pewter 
mug  on  the  table,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  My  dear  madam,  your  words  touch  a  tender  chord 
in  my  heart,  and  it  will  give  me  pleasure  to  serve  you. 
Your  words,  madam,"  continued  the  general,  with 
visible  emotion,  "are  precisely  those  which  my  be 
loved  wife  not  unfrequently  addresses  to  me.  Ah  ! 
my  wife  !  my  wifey  !"  says  the  general,  hysterically, 
"how  often  have  you  patted  me  on  my  head,  and 
told  me  that  my  face  looked  like  a  chunk  of  beeswax 
with  three  cracks  in  it." 

The  wife  of  the  Southern  Confederacy  sneered  au 
dibly,  and  called  for  a  fan.  There  being  no  fan 
nearer  than  the  office  of  Secretary  Welles,  she  used  a 
small  whisk-broom.  Says  she  : 

"  Miserable  hireling  of  a  diabolical  Lincoln,  your 
wife  is  nothing  to  me.  She  is  a  creature  !  I  do  not 
come  here  to  hear  her  wrongs,  but  to  express  the  un 
dying  wish  that  you  and  all  your  horde  may  be  wel- 


208  ORPHEUS    C,    KERR   PAPERS. 

corned  with  muddy  hands  to  hospitable  graves.     All 
I  want  is  to  be  let  alone." 

"My  dear  Mrs.  S.  C./'  says  the  general,  with  a 
touch  of  brass  and  irony,  "it  is  a  matter  of  the  ut 
most  indifference  to  me  whether  you  are  fto  be  let 
alone/  or  with  the  next  house  and  lot." 

"  I  insist  upon  being  let  alone/'  screamed  the  female 
Confederacy,  spitting  angrily. 

"  I  am  not  touching  you/'  says  the  general. 

"  All  I  want  is  to  be  let  alone/'  shrieked  the  exas 
perated  lady  ;  "  and  I  will  be  let  alone  !" 

The  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  hastily  wiped 
his  mouth  with  a  bottle,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  Madam,  if  sandwiches  are  not  plenty  where  you 
come  from,  it  ain't  for  the  want  of  tongue." 

On  hearing  this  gastronomic  remark,  my  boy,  the 
injured  wife  of  the  Southern  Confederacy  swept  from 
the  room  like  an  insulted  Minerva,  and  departed  for 
Secessia.  It  was  observed  that  she  frowned  like  a 
thunder-cloud  at  every  Federal  she  passed,  excepting 
one  picket.  Him  she  smiled  on.  She  had  detected 
him  the  act  of  admiring  her  ankles  as  she  picked  her 
way  through  the  mud. 

Woman,  my  boy,  has  really  many  sweet  qualities  ; 
and  if  her  head  is  sometimes  in  the  wrong,  she  has 
always  a  reserve  of  genuine  goodness  of  heart  in  the 
neighborhood  of  her  gaiters. 

Yours,  for  the  Sex,  ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXXII. 

COMMENCING  WITH  A  BURST  OP  EXULTATION*  OVER  NATIONAL  VICTO 
RIES,  REFERRING  TO  A  SENATORIAL  MISTAKE,  DEPICTING  A  WELL- 
KNOWN  CHARACTER,  AND  REPORTING  THE  RECONNOISSANCE  OP  THE 
WESTERN  CENTAURS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  February  21st,  1862. 

Now  swells  Columbia's  bosom  with  a  pride,  that 
sets  her  eyes  ablaze  with  living  fire  ;,  and,  with 
her  arms  upreaching  to  the  skies,  she  draws  in  air 
new  crowns  with  stars  adorned,  to  ring  the  temples 
of  her  conquering  chiefs.  Far  in  the  West,  she  sees 
the  livid  sparks  struck  by  Achilles  from  the  hostile 
sword,  and  in  the  South  beholds  how  Ajax  bold  de 
fies  the  lightning  of  the  rebel  guns.  Then  clasping 
to  her  breast  the  flag  we  love,  and  donning  swift 
Minerva's  gleaming  helm,  she  stands  where  Morn's 
first  glories  kiss  the  hills,  and  breathes  the  paean  of  a 
fame  redeemed ! 

Three  cheers  for  the  chaps  who  pocketed  Fort 
Donelson  &  Co.,  my  boy,  and  may  the  rebels  never 
have  an  easier  boat  to  row  than  Roanoke.  The  other 
day  I  was  talking  with  a  New  England  Senator  about 
the  taking  of  the  fort,  and  says  I : 


210          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

"  It  was  a  gay  victory,  my  learned  Theban  ;  but  it 
makes  me  mad  when  I  think  how  that  slippery  ras 
cal,  Floyd,  found  an  egress  down  the  river." 

The  Senator  pulled  up  his  collar,  my  boy,  observed 
to  the  tumbler-sergeant  that  he  would  take  the  same 
with  a  little  more  sugar  in  it,  and  then  says  he  : 

"In "that  observation  you  sum  up  the  whole  cause 
of  this  unnatural  strife.  It  is,  indeed,  the  negro, 
whose  wrongs  are  now  being  revenged  upon  us  by  an 
inscrutable  Whig  Providence  ;  and  if  the  Govern 
ment  does  not  speedily  strike  the  fetters  from  the 
slave,  that  slave  may  yet  be  used  to  fight  horribly 
against  us.  •  I  shall  cite  the  significant  fact  you 
mention  in  my  next  exciting  speech/' 

I  opened  my  eyes  at  this  outburst  until  they  looked 
like  the  bottoms  of  two  quart  bottles  beaming  in  the 
sunshine,  and  then  says  I : 

"  You  talk  as  fluently  as  a  Patent  Office  Eeport, 
my  worthy  Nestor ;  but  I  don't  exactly  perceive  what 
my  remark  has  to  do  with  the  colored  negro." 

"  Why,"  says  he,  "  didn't  you  say  that  the  traitor 
Floyd  found  a  negrcss  down  the  river  ?" 

For  an  instant,  my  boy,  I  felt  very  dizzy,  and  was 
obliged  to  lean  my  head  against  a  tumbler  for  a  mo 
ment. 

"  Your  ears,  my  friend/'  says  I,  "  are  certainly 
long  enough  to  hear  correctly  what  is  said  to  you ; 


ORPHEUS    C.   KERR   PAPERS.  211 

but  this  time  you've  made  a  slight  mistake.     I  said 
that  Floyd  had  found  mi  egress  down  the  river/' 

The  Senator  looked  at  me  for  a  moment,  and  says 
he: 

"  Sold  by  a  soldier  !     Good  morning." 
I  wonder  how  those  nice,  pleasant,  gentlemanly 
chaps  down  in  South  Carolina  enjoy  Uncle  Samuel's 
latest  hit  ?     I  can  fancy  their  damaging  effects,  my 
boy,  upon  the  constitution  of 

THE  SOUTH  CAROLINA  GENTLEMAN. 

Down  in  the  small  Palmetto  State,  the  curious  ones  may  find 
A  ripping,  tearing  gentleman,  of  an  uncommon  kind — 
A  staggering,  swaggering  sort  of  chap,  who  takes  his  whiskey  straight, 
And  frequently  condemns  his  eyes  to   that  ultimate  vengeance  which 
a  clergyman  of  high  standing  has  assured  us  must  be  the  shi 
ner's  fate ; 

A  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 

You  trace  his  genealogy,  and  not  far  back  you'll  seo 
A  most  undoubted  octoroon,  or  mayhap  a  mustee  ; 
And  if  you  note  the  shaggy  locks  that  cluster  on  his  brow, 
You'll  find  that  every  other  hair  is  varied  with  a  kink,  that  seldom 
denotes  pure  Caucasian  blood ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  betrays  an 
admixture  with  a  race  not  particularly  popular  now — 
This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 

He  always  wears  a  full-dress  coat — pro- Adamite  in  cut — 
With  waistcoat  of  the  loudest  style,  through  which  his  ruffles  jut. 
Six  breastpins  deck  his  horrid  front :   and  on  his  fingers  shine 
Whole  invoices  of  diamond  rings,  which  would  hardly  pass  muster 
with  the  Original  Jacobs  in  Chatham  street,  for  jewels  gen-u-iue — 

This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 

One  of  the  present  time. 


212  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

He  chews  tobacco  by  the  pound,  and  spits  upon  the  floor, 
If  there  is  not  a  box  of  sand  behind  the  nearest  door  ; 
And  when  he  takes  his  weekly  spree,  he  clears  a  mighty  track 
Of  everything   that  bears  the  shape  of  whisky-skin,  gin-and-sugar, 
brandy-sour,  peach-and-honey,  irrepressible  cocktail,  rum-and- 
gum,  and  luscious  apple-jack — 

This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 

He  looks  on  grammar  as  a  thing  beneath  the  notice  quite 
Of  any  Southern  gentleman  whose  grandfather  was  white  ; 
And  as  for  education — why,  he'll  plainly  set  it  forth, 
That  such  d — d  nonsense  never  troubles  the  heads  of  the  Chivalry ; 
though  it  may  be  sufficiently  degrading  to  merit  the  per 
sonal  attention  of  the  poor  wretches  unfortunate  enough  to 
make  their  living  at  the  North — 

This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 

He  licks  his  niggers  daily,  like  a  true  American ; 

And  "  takes  the  devil  out  of  them  "  .by  this  sagacious  plan. 

He  tries  his  bowie  knives  upon  the  fattest  he  can  find  ; 

And  if  the  darkey  winces,  why — he  is  immediately  arrested  at  the 
instance  of  the  First  Families  in  the  neighborhood,  on  a  charge 
of  conversing  with  a  fiendish  abolitionist,  and  conspiring  to 
poison  all  the  wells  in  the  State  with  strychnine,  and  arm  the 
slaves  of  the  adjoining  plantations  with  knives  and  pistols ;  for 
all  of  which  he  is  very  properly  sentenced  to  five  hundred 
lashes — after  which  to  prison  he's  consigned  (by) 
This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 

If  for  amusement  he's  inclined,  he  coolly  looks  about 
For  a  parson  of  the  Methodists,  or  some  poor  peddler  lout ; 
And  having  found  him,  has  him  hung  from  some  majestic  tree — 
Then  calls  his  numerous  family  to  enjoy  with  hirn  the  instructive  and 
entertaining  spectacle  of  a  "suspected  abolitionist"  receiving 
his  just  reward  at  the  hands  of  an  incensed  com-mu-ni-ty— 
This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  213 

He  takes  to  euchre  kindly,  too,  and  plays  an  awful  hand, 

Especially  when  those  he  tricks  his  style  don't  understand ; 

And  if  he  wins,  why  then  he  stoops  to  pocket  all  the  stakes ; 

But  if  ho  loses,  then  he  says  unto  the  unfortunate  stranger,  who  has 
chanced  to  win  :  "  It's  my  opinion  that  you  are  a  cursed  aboli 
tionist  ;  and  if  you  don  t  leave  South  Carolina  in  one  hour,  you 
will  bo  hung  like  a  dog."  But  no  offer  to  pay  his  loss  he 
makes — 

This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 

Of  course  he's  all  the  time  in  debt  to  those  who  credit  give — 

Yet  manages  upon  the  best  the  market  yields  to  live ; 

But  if  a  Northern  creditor  asks  him  his  bill  to  heed, 

This  honorable  gentleman  instantly  draws  two  bowie-knives  and  a 
pistol,  dons  a  blue  cockade,  and  declares,  that  in  consequence 
of  the  repeated  aggressions  of  the  North,  and  its  gross  viola 
tions  of  the  Constitution,  he  feels  that  it  would  utterly  degrade 
him  to  pay  any  debt  whatever ;  and  that,  in  fact,  he  has  at  last 
determined  to  SECEDE  ! — 

This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 

And  when,  at  length,  to  Charleston  of  the  other  world  ho  goes, 
He  leaves  his  children  mortgages,  with  all  their  other  woes. 
As  slowly  fades  the  vital  spark,  ho  doubles  up  his  fists, 
And  softly  murmurs  through  his  teeth :  "  I  die  under  a  full  conviction 
of  my  errors  in  life,  and  freely  forgive  all  men  ;    but  still  I  only 
hope  that  somewhere  on  the  other  side  of  Jordan  I  may  just 
come  across  some  ab-o-li-tion-ists  '  I" — 

This  South  Carolina  gentleman, 
One  of  the  present  time. 


Yesterday  afternoon,  my  boy,  Colonel  Wobert 
Wobinson,  of  the  Western  Centaurs,  ordered  Cap 
tain  Samyule  Sa-mith  to  make  a  reconnoissance 
toward  Flint  Hill  with  a  company  of  skeleton 


214  ORPHEUS  C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

cavalry,  having  learned  that  several  bushels  of  oats 
were  stored  there. 

Samyule  drew  up  his  company  in  line  against  a 
fence,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  Comrades,  we  go  upon  a  mission  that  is  highly 
dangurious,  and  America  expects  every  hoss  to  do  his 
duty.  If  we  meet  the  rebels/'  continued  Samyule, 
impressively,  "  they  will  try  hard  to  capture  some  of 
our  bosses  ;  for  they're  badly  oif  for  gridirons  down 
there,  and  three  or  four  of  our  spirited  animals  would 
supply  them  for  the  season.  If  any  of  you  see  them 
coming  after  the  hardware,  just  put  your  gridirons  on 
a  gallop  and  fall  back." 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  speech,  Private  Peter 
Jenkins  observed  that  he'd  been  falling  back  ever 
since  he  got  his  horse  ;.  for  which  he  was  sentenced  to 
laugh  at  all  the  colonel's  jokes  for  a  week. 

Would  that  I  possessed  the  fiery  pen  of  bully  Homer, 
to  describe  the  gallant  advance  of  that  splendid  corps, 
as  it  trotted  fiercely  on  to  victory  or  death.  At  its 
head  was  Captain  Samyule  Sa-mith,  mounted  on  a* 
horse  of  some  degree  of  merit,  his  coat-tails  flapping 
behind  him  like  banners  at  half-mast,  and  his  form 
bouncing  about  in  the  saddle  like  an  inspired  jumping- 
jack.  There  was  Lieutenant  Tummis  Kagcht,  re 
cently  of  the  German  navy,  riding  an  animal  with 
prows  as  sharp  as  a  yacht  and  that  was  broadside  to 
to  the  road  at  least  half  the  time.  There  was  private 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERB    PAPERS.  215 

Peter  Jenkins,  seated  directly  over  the  tail  of  a  yel 
low-enameled  charger,  that  walked  at  right-angles 
with  the  fences,  and  never  stopped  to  take  breath 
until  it  had  gone  three  yards. 

There  was  Sergeant  OTake,  late  of  Italy,  who  be 
strode  a  sorrel,  whose  side  was  full  of  symmetrical  gut 
ters  to  carry  the  rain  off,  and  who  kept  his  octagon 
head  directly  under  the  right  arm  of  the  horseman 
ahead  of  him.  There  was  private  Nick  O'Demus, 
with  his  sabre  tucked  neatly  into  the  eyes  of  his 
neighbor,  managing  an  anatomical  curiosity  that 
walked  half  of  the  tune  on  his  hind-legs,  and  creaked 
when  it  came  to  ruts  in  the  road. 

Onward,  right  onward,  went  this  glittering  caval 
cade,  my  boy,  until  they  came  to  an  outskirt  of  Flint 
Hill,  where  a  solitary  remnant  of  a  First  Family 
might  have  been  seen  sitting  on  a  fence,  eating  a 
sandwich. 

"Tr-r-aitor  I"  shouted  Captain  Samyule  Sa-mith, 
in  tones  of  milk-souring  thunder,  "  where  is  the  rest 
of  the  Confederacy,  and  what  do  you  think  of  the 
news  from  Fort  Donelson  ?" 

The  Confederacy  hiccupped  gloomily,  my  boy,  as 
he  took  an  impression  of  its  front  teeth  on  the  sand 
wich,  and  says  he  : 

"  The  melancholy  days  are  come — the  saddest  of 
the  year." 

"  That's  very  true,"  said  Samyule,  pleasantly,  "and 


216  ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS. 

proves  you  to  be  a  person  of  some  eddication.  But 
tell  me,  sweet  hermit  of  the  dale/'  pursued  Samyule, 
"  where  are  the  oats  \ve  have  heard  about  ?" 

The  solitary  Confederacy  checked  a  rising  cough 
with  another  bite  at  his  ration,  and  says  he  : 

"  You  have  the  oats  already  ;  for  they  were  eaten 
last  night  by  six  Confederate  chickens,  and  my  slave, 
Mr.  Johnson,  sold  them  chickens  to  a  prospecting  de 
tachment  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  this  morning. 
Don't  talk  to  me  any  more,"  continued  the  Con 
federacy,  sadly,  "  for  I  am  very  miserable,  and  haven't 
seen  a  quarter  in  six  months." 

Samyule  seemed  touched,  and  put  his  hand  half 
way  into  his  pocket,  but  remembered  his  probable 
children,  and  refrained  from  romantic  generosity. 

"  Let  me  see  Mr.  Johnson/'  says  he,  reflectively, 
"  and  I  will  question  him  concerning  the  South." 

The  Confederacy  indulged  in  a  plaintive  cat-call, 
whereupon  there  emerged  from  an  adjacent  clump 
of  bushes  a  beautiful  black  being,  richly  attired  in 
a  heavy  seal-ring  and  a  red  neck-tie.  It  was  Mr. 
Johnson. 

"  You  have  sent  for  me,"  says  Mr.  Johnson,  with 
much  dignity,  "and  I  have  come.  If  you  do  not 
want  me,  I  will  return." 

"  You  have  seen  the  tragic  Forrest  ?"  said  Sam- 
yule. 

"The  forest  is  my  home,"  replied  Mr.  Johnson, 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  217 

"  and  in  its  equal  shade  my  humble  hut  stands  sa 
credly  embowered.  As  the  gifted  Whittier  might 
say  : 

"  There  lofty  trees  uprcar  iu  pillared  state, 
And  crystal  streams  the  thirsty  deer  elate  ; 
While  through  the  halls  that  base  the  dome  of  leaves 
Fall  sunshine-harvests  spread  in  golden  sheaves. 

"  There  toy  the  birds  in  sweet  seclusion  blest, 
To  leap  the  branches  or  to  build  the  nest, 
"While  from  their  throats  the  grateful  song  outpoured 
"Wakes  woodland  orchestras  to  praise  the  Lord. 

"  There  walks  the  wolf,  no  longer  driven  wild 
By  panting  hounds  and  huntsman  blood-defiled ; 
But  tamed  to  kindness,  seeketh  peacefully 
The  soothing  shelter  of  a  hollow  tree. 

"  "Who  would  be  free,  and  tow'r  above  his  race, 
In  the  full  freedom  spurning  man  and  place, 
Deep  iu  the  forest  let  him  rear  his  clan 
Where  God  himself  stands  face  to  face  with  man." 

Just  as  the  oppressed  African  finished  this  rhythm 
ical  statement  of  his  platform,  my  boy,  a  huge  horse 
fly,  alighting  on  the  nose  of  Captain  Samyule  Sa-mith, 
awoke  that  hero  from  the  refreshing  slumber  into 
which  he  had  fallen. 

"  Tell  me,  Johnson,"  says  he,  "  how  you  got  your 
eddication,  for  I  thought  that  persons  from  Afric's 
sunny  mountain  went  to  school  about  as  often  as  a 
cat  goes  to  sea." 

Mr.  Johnson  placed  his  hand  upon  his  breast  with 
much  stateliness,  and  says  he  :  "I  entered  Yale  Col- 

10 


218         ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

lege  as  a  Spaniard,  and  having  graduated  with  all 
honors,  returned  to  my  master,  and  was  at  once  em 
ployed  in  cotton  culture.  I  am  contented  and  happy, 
and  have  never  seen  an  uncomfortable  day  since  my 
wife  was  sold.  Go,  stranger,  and  tell  your  people 
that  the  South  may  be  overwhelmed,  but  she  can 
never  be  conquered  while  Johnson  has  a  seal  ring  to 
his  back." 

On  hearing  this  speech,  my  boy,  Samyule  said  : 
"  About  face  !  skeletons  ;"  and  the  gridiron  cavalry 
returned  to  camp  in  a  brown  study. 

The  intelligence  of  the  southern  slaves  is  really 
wonderful,  my  boy,  and  if  it  should  ever  come  to  a 
head,  look  out  for  a  rise  in  wool. 

Yours,  contemplatively, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXXIII. 

EXEMPLIFYING  THE  TERRIBLE  DOMESTIC  EFFECTS  OF  MILITARY  IN 
ACTIVITY  ON  THE  POTOMAC,  AND  DESCRIBING  THE  METAPHYSICAL 
CAPTURE  OF  FORT  MUGGINS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  €.,  March  8d,  1S62. 

I  KNOW  a  man,  my  boy,  who  was  driven  to  lunacy 
by  reliable  war  news.  He  was  in  the  prime  of  life 
when  the  war  broke  out,  and  took  such  an  interest  in 
the  struggle  that  it  soon  became  nearly  equal  to  the 
interest  on  his  debts.  With  all  the  enthusiasm  of 
vegetable  youth  he  subscribed  for  all  the  papers,  and 
commenced  to  read  the  reliable  war  news.  In  this 
way  he  learned  that  all  was  quiet  on  the  Potomac, 
and  immediately  went  to  congratulate  his  friends, 
and  purchase  six  American  flags.  On  the  following 
morning  he  wrapt  himself  in  the  banner  of  his  country 
and  learned  from  all  the  papers  that  all  was  quiet  on 
the  Potomac.  His  joy  at  once  became  intense  ;  he 
hoisted  a  flag  on  the  lightning-rod  of  his  domicil, 
purchased  a  national  pocket-handkerchief,  bought  six 
hand-organs  that  played  the  Star-Spangled  Banner, 
and  drank  nothing  but  gunpowder  tea.  In  the  next 
six  months,  however,  there  was  a  great  change  in  our 


220  ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

military  affairs  ;  the  backbone  of  the  rebellion  was 
broken,  the  sound  of  the  thunder  came  from  all  parts 
of  the  sky,  and  fifty- three  excellent  family  journals 
informed  the  enthusiast  that  all  was  quiet  on  the  Po 
tomac.  He  now  became  fairly  mad  with  bliss,  and 
volunteered  to  sit  up  with  a  young  lady  whose  brother 
was  a  soldier.  On  the  following  morning  he  com 
menced  to  read  Bancroft's  History  of  the  United 
States,  with  Hardee's  Tactics  appended,  only  paus 
ing  long  enough  to  learn  from  the  daily  papers  that 
all  was  quiet  on  the  Potomac.  Thus,  in  a  fairy 
dream  of  delicious  joy,  passed  the  greater  part  of  this 
devoted  patriot's  life  ;  and  even  as  his  hair  turned 
gray,  and  his  form  began  to  bend  with  old  age,  his 
eye  flashed  in  eternal  youth  over  the  still  reliable  war 
news.  At  length  there  came  a  great  change  in  the 
military  career  of  the  Kepublic  ;  the  rebellion  received 
its  death-wound,  and  Washington's  Birthday  boomed 
upon  the  United  States  of  America.  It  was  the 
morning  of  that  glorious  day,  and  the  venerable  pa 
triot  was  tottering  about  the  room  with  his  cane, 
when  his  great-grandchild,  a  lad  of  twenty-five,  came 
thundering  into  the  room  with  forty-three  daily  papers 
under  his  arm. 

"Old  man  \"  says  he,  in  a  transport,  "  there's  great 
news." 

"Boy,  boy  !"  says  the  aged  patriot,  "do  not  trifle 
with  me.  Can  it  be  that — " 


OUl'HKUS    C.    KKKK    1'AVKKS.  221 

"  Bet  your  life—" 

"  Is  it  then  a  fact  that — " 

«  Yes—" 

"  Am  I  to  believe  that—" 

"ALL    IS   QUIET    ON   THE    POTOMAC  !" 

It  was  too  much  for  the  venerable  Brutus  ;  he 
clutched  at  the  air,  spun  once  on  his  left  heel,  sang  a 
stave  of  John  Brown's  body,  and  stood  transfixed 
with  ecstacy. 

"  Thank  Heving,"  says  he,  "  for  sparing  me  to  see 
this  day  !" 

After  which  he  became  hopelessly  insane,  my  boy, 
and  raved  so  awfully  about  all  our  great  generals 
turning  into  mud-larks  that  his  afflicted  family  had 
to  send  him  to  the  asylum. 

This  veracious  and  touching  biography  will  show 
you  how  dangerous  to  public  health  is  reliable  war 
news,  and  convince  you  that  the  Secretary's  order  to 
the  press  is  only  a  proper  insanitary  measure. 

I  am  all  the  more  resigned  to  it,  my  boy,  because 
it  affects  me  so  little  that  I  am  even  able  to  give  you 
a  strictly  reliable  account  of  a  great  movement  that 
lately  took  place. 

I  went  down  to  Accomac  early  in  the  week,  my 
boy,  having  heard  that  Captain  Villiam  Brown  and 
the  Conic  Section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  were  about 
to  march  upon  Fort  Muggins,  where  Jeff  Davis,  Beau- 
regard,  Mason,  Slidell,  Yancey,  and  the  whole  rebel 


222  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

Congress  were  believed  to  be  intrenched.  Mounted 
on  my  gothic  steed  Pegasus,  who  only  blew  down 
once  in  the  whole  journey,  I  repaired  to  Villiam's  de 
partment,  and  was  taking  notes  of  the  advance,  upon 
a  sheet  of  paper  spread  on  the  ground,  when  the 
commander  of  Accomac  approached  me,  and  says  he  : 

"  What  are  you  doing,  my  bantam  ?" 

"  Tm  taking  notes,"  says  I,  "for  a  journal  which 
has  such  an  immense  circulation  among  our  gallant 
troops  that  when  they  begin  to  read  it  in  the  camps, 
it  looks,  from  a  distance,  as  though  there  had  just 
been  a  heavy  snow-storm/ 

"Ah!"  says  Villiam,  thoughtfully,  "newspapers 
and  snow-storms  are  somewhat  alike  ;  for  both  make 
black  appear  white.  But,"  said  Villiam  philosophi 
cally,  "  the  snow  is  the  more  moral ;  for  you  can't 
lie  in  that  with  safety,  as  you  can  in  a  newspaper. 
In  the  language  of  General  Grant  at  Donelson,"  says 
Villiam,  sternly  :  "I  propose  to  move  upon  your 
works  immediately." 

And  with  that  he  planted  one  of  his  boots  right  in 
the  middle  of  my  paper. 

"  Bead  that  ere  Napoleonic  dockyment,"  says  Vil 
liam,  handing  me  a  scroll.  It  was  as  follows  : 

EDICK. 

Having  noticed  that  the  press  of  the  United  States 
of  America  is  making  a  ass  of  itself,  by  giving  infor- 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  223 

mation  to  the  enemy. concerning  the  best  methods  of 
carrying  on  the  strategy  of  war,  I  do  hereby  assume 
control  of  all  special  correspondents,  forbidding  them 
to  transact  anything  but  private  business  ;  neither 
they,  nor  their  wives,  nor  their  children,  to  the  third 
and  fourth  generation. 

I.  It  is  ordered,  that  all  advice  from  editors  to  the 
War  Department,  to  the  general  commanding,  or  the 
generals  commanding  the  armies  in  the  field,  be  abso 
lutely  forbidden  ;  as  such  advice  is  calculated  to  make 
the  United  States  of  America  a  idiot. 

II.  Any  newspaper  publishing  any  news  whatever, 
however  obtained,  shall  be  excluded  from  all  railroads 
and  steamboats,  in  order  that  country  journals,  which 
receive  the  same  news  during  the  following  year,  may 
not  be  injured  in  cirkylation. 

III.  This  control  of  special    correspondents  does 
not  include  the  correspondent  of  the  London  Times, 
who  wouldn't  be  believed  if  he  published  all  the  news 
of  the  next  Christian  era.     By  order  of 

VILLIAM  BROWN,  Eskevire, 
Captain  Conic  Section  Mackerel  Brigade. 

I  had  remounted  Pegasus  while  reading  this  able 
State  paper,  my  boy,  and  had  just  finished  it,  when 
a  nervous  member  of  the  advance-guard  accidentally 
touched  off  a  cannon,  whose  report  was  almost  imme 
diately  answered  by  one  from  the  dense  fog  before  us. 


224          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

"Ha!"  says  Captain  Villiam  Brown,  suddenly 
leaping  from  his  steed,  and  creeping  under  it — to  ex 
amine  if  the  saddle-girth  was  all  right — "  the  fort  is 
right  before  us  in  the  fog,  and  the  rebels  are  awake. 
Let  the  Orange  County  Company  advance  with  their 
howitzers,  and  fire  to  the  north-east/' 

The  Orange  County  Company,  my  boy,  instantly 
wheeled  their  howitzers  into  position,  and  sent  some 
pounds  of  grape  toward  the  meridian,  the  roar  of  their 
weapons  of  death  being  instantaneously  answered  by 
a  thundering  orash  in  the  fog. 

Company  3,  Regiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade,  now 
went  forward  six  yards  at  double-quick,  and  poured 
in  a  rattling  volley  of  musketry,  dodging  fearlessly 
when  exactly  the  same  kind  of  a  volley  was  heard  in 
the  fog,  and  wishing  that  they  might  have  a  few  rebels 
for  supper. 

"  Ha  \"  says  Captain  Villiam  Brown,  when  he  no 
ticed  that  nobody  seemed  to  be  killed  yet  ;  "  Provi 
dence  is  on  our  side,  and  this  here  unnatural  rebellion 
is  squelched.  Let  the  Anatomical  Cavalry  charge 
into  the  fog,  and  demand  the  surrender  of  Fort 
Muggins,"  continued  Villiam,  compressing  his  lips 
with  mad  valor,  "  while  I  repair  to  that  tree  back 
there,  and  see  if  there  is  not  a  fiendish  secessionist 
lurking  behind  it." 

The  Anatomical  Cavalry  immediately  dismounted 
from  their  horses,  which  were  too  old  to  be  used  in  a 


ORPHEUS   C.    KEUK    PAPERS. 

charge,  and  gallantly  entered  the  fog,  with  their  sabres 
between  their  teeth,  and  their  hands  in  their  pockets 
— it  being  a  part  of  their  tactics  to  catch  a  rebel  be 
fore  cutting  his  head  off. 

In  the  meantime,  my  boy,  the  Orange  County  howit 
zers  and  the  Mackerel  muskets  were  hurling  a  con 
tinuous  fire  into  the  clouds,  stirring  up  the  angels, 
and  loosening  the  smaller  planets.  Sturdily  answered 
the  rebels  from  the  fog-begirt  fort  ;  but  not  one  of 
our  men  had  yet  fallen. 

Captain  Villiam  Brown  was  just  coming  down  from, 
the  top  of  a  very  tall  tree,  whither  he  had  gone  to 
search  for  masked  batteries,  when  the  fog  commenced 
lifting,  and  disclosed  the  Anatomical  Cavalry  return 
ing  at  double-quick. 

Instantly  our  fire  ceased,  and  so  did  that  of  the 
rebels. 

"  Does  the  fort  surrender  to  the  United  States  of 
America  ?"  says  Villiarn,  to  the  captain  of  the  Anato- 
inicals. 

The  gallant  dragoon,  sighed,  and  says  he  : 

"  I  used  my  magnifying  glass,  but  could  find  no 
fort." 

At  this  moment,  my  boy,  a  sharp  sunbeam  cleft 
the  fog  as  a  sword  does  a  vail,  and  the  mist  rolled 
away  from  the  scene  in  two  volumes,  disclosing  to 
our  view  a  fine  cabbage-patch,  with  a  dense  wood 
beyond. 


226  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

Villiam  deliberately  raised  a  bottle  to  his  face,  and 
gazed  through  it  upon  the  unexpected  prospect. 

"Ha!"  says  he  sadly,  "the  garrison  has  cut  its 
way  through  the  fog  and  escaped,  but  Fort  Muggins 
is  ours  !  Let  the  flag  of  our  Union  be  planted  on 
the  ramparts,"  says  Villiam,  with  much  perspiration, 
"  and  I  will  immediately  issue  a  proclamation  to  the 
people  of  the  United  States  of  America/' 

Believing  that  Villiam  was  somewhat  too  hasty  in 
his  conclusions,  my  boy,  I  ventured  to  insinuate  that 
what  he  had  taken  for  a  fort  in  the  fog,  was  really 
nothing  but  a  cabbage  inclosure,  and  that  the  escaped 
rebels  were  purely  imaginary. 

"  Imaginary  !"  says  Villiam,  hastily  placing  his 
canteen  in  his  pocket.  "  Why.  didn't  you  hear  the 
roar  of  their  artillery  ?" 

"  Do  you  see  that  thick  wood  yonder  ?"  says  I. 

Says  he,  "  It  is  visible  to  the  undressed  eye/' 

"Well,"  says  I,  "what  you  took  for  the  sound  of 
rebel  firing,  was  only  the  echo  of  your  own  firing  in 
that  wood/' 

Villiam  pondered  for  a  few  moments,  my  boy,  like 
one  who  was  considering  the  propriety  of  saying  noth 
ing  in  as  few  words  as  possible,  and  then  looked  an 
gularly  at  me,  and  says  he  : 

"My  proclamation  to  the  press  will  cover  all  this, 
and  the  news  of  this  here  engagement  will  keep  until 
the  war  is  over.  Ah  t"  says  Villiam,  "  I  wouldn't 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  227 

have  the  news  of  this  affair  published  on  any  account ; 
for  if  the  Government  thought  I  was  trying  to  cab 
bage  in  my  Department,  it  would  make  me  Minister 
to  Eussia  immediately." 

As  the  Conic  Section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  re 
turned  slowly  to  head-quarters,  my  boy,  I  thought 
to  myself  :  How  often  does  man,  after  making  some 
thing  his  particular  forte,  discover  at  last  that  it  is 
only  a  cabbage-patch,  and  hardly  large  enough  at 
that  for  a  big  hog  like  himself  ! 

Yours,  philanthropically, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXXIV. 

BEGINNING     WITH     A    LAMENTATION,    BUT     CHANGING     MATERIALLY     IN 
TONE   AT   THE   DICTUM   OF  JED   SMITH. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  Sth,  1862. 

Two  days  ago,  my  boy,  a  letter  from  the  West 
informed  me  that  an  old  friend  of  mine  had  fallen  in 
battle  at  the  very  moment  of  victory.  One  by  one, 
my  boy,  I  have  lost  many  friends  since  the  war  began, 
and  know  how  to  bear  the  stroke  ;  but  what  will  they 
say  in  that  home  to  which  the  young  soldier  wafted  a 
nightly  prayer  ?  Thither,  alas  !  he  goes 

NO    MORE. 

Hushed  be  the  song  and  the  love-notes  of  gladness 
That  broke  with  the  morn  from  the  cottager's  door — 

Muffle  the  tread  in  the  soft  stealth  of  sadness, 

For  one  who  returneth,  whose  chamber-lamp  burneth 

No  more. 

Silent  he  lies  on  the  broad  path  of  glory, 

Where  withers  ungarnered  the  red  crop  of  war. 

Grand  is  his  couch,  though  the  pillows  are  gory, 

'Mid  forms  that  shall  battle,  'mid  guns  that  shall  rattle 

No  more. 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR    PAPERS.  229 

Soldier  of  Freedom,  thy  marches  are  ended — 

The  dreams  that  were  prophets  of  triumph  are  o'er — 

Death  with  the  night  of  thy  manhood  is  blended — 
The  bugle  shall  call  thce,  the  fight  shall  enthrall  thee 

No  more. 

Far  to  the  Northward  tho  banners  are  dimming, 
And  faint  comes  tho  tap  of  the  drummers  before ; 

Low  in  the  tree-tops  the  swallow  is  skimming ; 
Thy  comrades  shall  cheer  thee,  the  weakest  shall  fear  thee 

No  more.  • 

Far  to  the  "Westward  the  day  is  at  vespers, 

And  bows  down  its  head,  like  a  priest,  to  adore ; 

Soldier,  the  twilight  for  theo  has  no  whispers, 

The  night  shall  forsake  thee,  the  morn* shall  awake  thee 

No  more. 

Wide  o'er  tho  plain,  where  tho  white  tents  are  gleaming, 
In  spectral  array,  like  tho  graves  they're  before — 

One  there  is  empty,  where  once  thou  wort  dreaming 
Of  deeds  that  are  boasted,  of  One  that  is  toasted 

No  more. 

When  the  Commander  to-morrow  proclaimeth 

A  list  of  the  brave  for  the  nation  to  store, 
Thou  shalt  bo  known  with  the  heroes  he  nameth, 

Who  wake  from  their  slumbers,  who  answer  their  numbers 

No  more. 

Hushed  be  the  song  and  tho  love-notes  of  gladness 
That  broke  with  the  morn  from  tho  cottager's  door — 

Muffle  the  tread  in  the  soft  stealth  of  sadness, 

For  one  who  returneth,  whose  chamber-lamp  burneth 

No  more. 

To  escape  my  own  thoughts,  I  went  over  into  a 
camp  of  New  England  chaps,  yesterday,  my  boy,  and 
one  of  the  first  high-privates  my  eyes  rested  on  was 


230          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

Jed  Smith,  of  Salsbury.  He  winked  to  the  chaps 
lounging  near  him,  when  he  noted  my  doleful  look, 
and  says  he  : 

"  You're  mopish,  comrade.  Hez  caliker  proved 
deceitful  ?" 

"No,"  says  I,  indifferently.  "Calico  rather  shuns 
me,  as  a  general  thing,  my  Down-easter,  on  account 
of  my  plain  speaking." 

This  startled  him,  my  boy,  as  I  expected  it  would, 
and  says  he  : 

"  That's  jest  like  the  mock-modesty  of  the  wimmiri 
folks  all  the  world  .over,  and  a  body  might  think  they 
had  the  hull  supply  and  no  thin'  shorter  ;  but  I  tell  ye 
it's  the  heartiest  sow  that  makes  the  least  noise,  and 
half  this  here  modesty  is  all  sham.  Onct  in  a  while 
these  here  awful  modest  critters  git  shook  down  a  bit, 
I  guess  ;  and  gheewhillikins  !  ef  it  don't  do  me  good 
to  see  it.  I  recollect  I  was  goin'  down  from  Augusty 
some  two  years  ago,  in  the  old  stage  that  Sammy 
Tompkins  druv,  and  we  had  one  of  the  she-critters 
aboard — and  she  was  a  scrouger,  I  tell  ye !  Bonnet 
red  as  a  blaze,  and  stuck  all  over  with  stiff  geeranium 
blows,  a  hump  like  a  Hottentot  gal,  and  sich  ankles  ! 
but  hold  your  horses,  I'm  gettin'  ahead  of  time.  We 
was  awful  crowded,  and  no  mistake — piled  right  on 
top  of  each  other,  like  so  many  layers  of  cabbage  ; 
and  the  way  that  gal  squealed  when  we  struck  a  rut, 
was  a  caution  to  screech  owls.  And  she  was  takin' 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  *  231 

up  her  sheer  of  the  coach,  too,  I  guess  ;  and  kind  of 
si  ivtched  her  walkin'  geer  way  under  the  seat  in  front 
of  her,  and  out  t'other  side,  just  to  brace  herself  agin 
the  diffikilties  of  travel.  It  being  pretty  bad  goin' 
down  in  them  parts,  she  had  on  a  pair  of  her  brother's 
butes,  and  they  was  what  she  wouldn't  have  had  seen 
if  she'd  knowed  it.  One  of  the  fellers  on  the  middle 
seat  was  Zeb  Green — gone  to  glory  some  time  ago — 
and  when  he  spied  them  butes,  he  winked  to  me,  and 
sung  out : 

"  Gheewhillikins  !  who  owns  these  ere  big  trot 
ters  ?" 

"  Now,  ye  see,  the  she-critter  was  one  of  yer  modest 
ones,  and  she  wouldn't  have  owned  up  for  the  world, 
after  that.  Says  she  : 

"  ( I  guess  they  ain't  mine.' 

"  Zeb  see  her  game  in  a  twinklin',  and  he  was  a  tall 
one  for  a  lark  ;  so  says  he  : 

"  £  I  rayther  guess  there's  petticuts  goes  with  them 
mud  mashers.' 

"The  gal  she  flamed  up  at  that,  and  says  she  : 

" £  I  guess  you're  barkin'  up  the  wrong  saplin', 
Major,  and  yer  must  have  a  most  audacious  turkey 
on,  not  to  know  yer  own  butes.' 

"  Sich  lyin'  tuk  Zeb  all  aback  for  a  minute  ;  but  he 
combed  up  his  bristles  again,  and  tried  her  on  another 
trail. 

"  '  Now,  you  don't  mean  to  come  for  to  insinuate 


232  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

that  them  ere's  my  butes,  and  I  not  know  it  ?'  says 
he: 

"  She  was  in  for  it  then,  and  wouldn't  back  down  ; 
so  says  she  : 

"  e  In  course  I  do,  Major,  and  you'd  better  look  out 
fur  your  own  leather/ 

"  Zeb  took  a  chaw  of  his  terbacky,  and  says  he  : 
" '  Well,  if  you  says  it's  so,  I'm  bound  to  swaller 
the  oyster  ;  but  I'll  be  dod-rotted  if  my  bute-maker 
won't  hev  to  shave  my  last  next  winter/ 

"  I  seen  right  off  that  Zeb  was  up  to  the  biggest 
kind  of  a  spree,  and  I  knew  them  butes  was  the  gist 
of  it ;  cause  ye  see  the  she-critter  couldn't  hull  "em 
in  nohow,  after  what  she'd  said. 

"  We  went  wrigglin'  along  for  a  while  as  still  as 
cats  in  a  milk-house,  and  the  butes  stayed  where  they 
was.  But  pretty  soon  Zeb  began  to  grow  uneasy  like, 
and  screwed  up  his  ugly  nose,  like  as  if  he  was  took 
with  the  pangs,  and  the  doctor  gone  a  courtin'". 

"  '  Gheewhillikins  !'  says  he,  at  last,  c  I  shan't  stand 
this  here  much  longer,  if  there  is  company  in  the 
parlor  !' 

"  We  all  looked  at  him,  and  says 'one  feller  : 
"  'I. guess,  Major,  you're  took  putty  bad/ 
"  Zeb  gave  his  phizog  another  twist,  an'  says  he  : 
"  '  You'd  better  believe  it,  squire.     I've  got  corns 
on  them  ere  feet  of  mine  that'd  make   a  preacher 
swear,  and  them  butes  pinch  like  all  tarnation/ 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  233 

"  I  sec  right  off  how  the  smoke  was  blowin',  and 
says  I : 

"  '  Off  with  'em,  Zeb !  We're  all  in  the  family,  and 
won't  mind  you.' 

"  That  was  all  the  old  he-one  was'waitin'  fur  ;  and 
as  quick  as  I  said  it,  he  had  one  of  that  modest  gal's 
feet  in  his  hand,  and  twisted  off  the  bute  in  a  twink- 
lin'  !  !  We  all  see  a  perfect  Wenus  of  a  foot,  and  a 
golfired  ankle,  and  then  it  was  jerked  away  quicker'n 
a  flash,  and  the  critter  screamed  like  a  rantankerous 
tom-cat  with  his  tail  under  a  cheese-knife  ! 

"  (  Murder  ! — you  nasty  thing,'  says  she,  i  give  me 
my  bute.' 

"  With  that,  me,  and  Zeb,  and  the  hull  bilin'  of  us 
roared  right  out ;  and  says  Zeb,  says  he,  as  he  handed 
her  the  bute  with  a  killin'  bow — says  he  : 

"c  Young  woman,  I  guess  I've  taken  your  modesty, 
as  the  wimmen  call  it,  down  a  peg.  You  sed  them 
was  my  butes,  and  in  course  I  had  a  right  to  shed 
'em  ;  but  ef  they're  your'n  now,  why  keep  'em  to 
yourself,  for  massy 's  sake  !' 

"  That  settled  the  gal  down  some,  I  tell  ye  ;  and  it 
give  her  such  a  turn  that  her  putty  face  was  like  a 
rose  when  we  stopt  at  the  Red  Tavern." 

We  were  so  much  pleased  with  this  story,  my  boy, 
that  we  entreated  the  opponent  of  mock  modesty  to 
spin  us  another. 


234  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

"  Well,  feller  citizens,"  says  he,  "  I  don't  mind  if  I 
do  tell  ye  about 

A   JOFIEED  WAGON-TRADE 

I  onct  made  down  in  Texas.  You  see  I  was  doin'  a 
right  smart  chance  of  trade  down  in  that  deestrict 
with  clocks,  fur  caps,  Ingin  meal,  and  other  necessa 
ries  of  life  ;  and  onct  in  a  while  I  went  it  blind  on  a 
spekullation,  when  there  was  a  chance  to  get  a  bar 
gain,  and  pay  fifty  per  cent,  on  a  stiff  swindle.  They 
was  an  old  chap  of  a  half  breed  they  called  Uncle 
Johnny,  down  there,  and  somehow  he  got  wind  of 
my  pertikler  cuteness,  and  he  guessed  he  could  run  a 
pretty  sharp  saw  on  me,  if  he  only  got  a  sight. 

"  I  heerd  he  was  after  me,  and  thinks  I  '  you'll 
get  a  roastin',  my  boy,  ef  you  pick  up  this  hot-chest 
nut  :'  but-  I  was  consated  beyond  my  powers  then, 
and  he  was  jist  one  huckleberry  above  my  tallest 
persimmon.  We  cum  together  one  night  at  Bill 
CroWn's  tavern,  and  the  fust  thing  the  old  cuss  said 
was  : 

"  '  Jerewsalem  crickets !  I'm  like  a  fellow  jist  out 
of  a  feather  bed  and  no  mistake.  I  tell  ye  that  'ere 
wagging  uv  mine  rides  jist  about  as  slick  as  a  railroad 
of  grease,  and  if  it  warn't  so  allfired  big,  I  wouldn't 
sell  it  for  its  weight  in  Orleans  bank  notes.' 

"  I  kinder  thought  I  smelt  a  putty  big  bed-bug  ; 
but  I  glimpsed  outer  the  door,  and  there  stood  the 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS.         235 

wagon  under  the  shed,  and  lookin'  orful  temptin'.  It 
war  a  big  four  wheel  consarn,  with  a  canvas  top,  and 
about  as  putty  a  consarn  for  family  use  as  ever  I  sot 
my  winkers  on.  Thinks  I  : 

"  '  You  don't  fetch  me  this  time,  hoss  ;  for  I'll  be 
jist  a  neck  ahead  of  you  !' 

"  So  I  stood  a  minit,  and  then  says  1  : 
"  '  Without  lookiu'  nor  nuthin',  Uncle  Johnny,  I'll 
jest  give  you  $50  for  that  'ere  hearse/ 

"  He  kinder  blinked  around,  and  says  he  : 
" ( I'd  rather  sell  my  grandmother  ;  but  the  con- 
sarn's  yourn,  cunnel.     Show  yer  hand.' 

"  He  was  too  willin'  to  suit  me  ;  but  the  game  was 
outer  cover,  and  I  wouldn't  back  down.  So  I  give 
him  the  rags,  and  went  out  to  look  at  my  bargain. 
Would  you  'bleave  it,  the  old  varmint  had  jist  fetched 
that  ere  wagon  down  to  the  shed,  and  sot  it  up  end 
on,  so  that  I  didn't  see  how  the  fore- wheels  wasn't 
thar  !  Fact  !  They  had  marvelled,  and  the  fore- 
axles  was  res  tin'  on  two  hitchin'  stakes  :  Jist  as  I 
got  through  cussin,'  I  heerd  a  jofired  larfin,  and  thar 
was  the  robber  and  his  friends  standin'  in  the  door, 
splittin'  their  sides  at  me.  Thinks  I,  '  I  went  cheap, 
then,  my  beauty  ;  but  look  out  for  a  hail-storm  when 
the  wind's  up  next  time.'  I  borreyed  a  horse,  and 
took  that  ar  bargain  to  my  shanty  ;  and  then  I  sot 
down  and  went  to  thinkin'.  Fur  two  days  I  war  as 
melancholy  as  a  chicken  in  gooseberry  time,  tryin'  to 


236          OEPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

hit  some  plan  to  get  even  with  the  cuss.  All  to  onct 
somethin'  struck  me,  and  I  felt  better.  Ye  see  there 
was  great  talk  down  thar  jist  then,  about  the  doctor's 
gig  what  they  heard  tell  on,  but  not  a  one  was  there 
in  the  hull  deestrict.  I'd  seen  one  up  in  York,  and 
thinks  I,  c  Ef  I  don't  make  a  doctor's  two- wheeler 
outer  that  ere  wagon,  then  bleed  me  to  death 
with  a  oyster-knife  !'  So  I  jist  got  a  big  saw,  and 
went  to  work  quiet  like,  and  cut  that  ere  wagon  right 
in  two  in  the  middle — cover  and  all  Then  I  took 
the  shafts  and  fastened  them  onto  the  hind  part,  and 
rigged  up  a  dash-board.  And  then  I  took  part  of  the 
cut-off  piece  for  a  seat,  and  painted  the  hull  thing 
with  black  paint  ;  and  dod-rot  me  if  ef  I  didn't  hev 
a  doctor's  gig  as  rantankerous  as  you  please  !  I  knew 
it  would  fetch  a  thunderin'  price  fur  its  novelty  to 
any  one  ;  but  I  was  after  Uncle  Johnny,  and  nobody 
else.  One  night  I  druv  down  to  the  tavern  at  a 
tearin'  rate,  and  the  fust  feller  I  see  was  hisself,  a 
standin'  in  the  door,  and  sippin'  kill-me-quick.  He 
was  kinder  took  down  when  he  see  me  comin'  it  so 
piert  in  my  new  two-wheeler,  and  some  of  his  friends 
inside  axed  him  what  was  the  matter.  He  kept  as 
still  as  a  mouse  in  a  pantry  until  I  come  up,  and  then 
says  ho  : 

"  'What's  that  ere  concern  of  yourn,  hoss  ?' 

"  Says  I : 

"  '  It's  one  of  them  doctor's  flyers  as  I'd  rather  ride 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  237 

in  it  than  in  Queen  Victory's  bang-up,  A,  No.  1, 
stage-coach.  It's  a  scrouger." 

"  He  kinder  stuck  a  minute,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  '  What'll  ye  take  for  it,  hoss  ?' 

"  I  made  out  as  though  I  didn't  keer,  and  says  I  : 

"  clt  was  sent  to  me  by  a  cousin  up  in  York,"  and 
I  don't  keer  to  sell ;  but  yer  may  take  it  for  $250.' 

"He  turned  green  about  the  gills  at  that,  and 
says  he : 

"  '  Say  $100,  and  I'll  take  it  with  my  eyes  shut.' 

"  'It's  yourn,'  says  I.     '  Give  us  the  rags.' 

"  He  smelt  a  bug  that  time  ;  but  it  was  too  late  ; 
so  he  forked  out  the  rale  stuff,  and  then  went  to  look 
at  the  two-wheeler. 

"  <  Thunder  !'  says  he,  blinkin'  at  the  seat.  '  I've 
seen  that  afore,  or  my  name  isn't  what  my  father's 
wus  !' 

"  c  Better  'blieve  it,'  says  I ;  '  that's  your  four- 
wheeler  shaved  down  to  the  very  latest  York- 
fashion/ 

"  Then  he  did  cuss  ;  but  twarn't  no  use.  The 
trade  was  a  trade,  and  all  the  boys  larfed  till  their 
tongues  hung  out.  I  treated  all  round,  and  as  I  left 
'em,  says  I  : 

"  Uncle  Johnny,  when  ye  want  to  trade  agin,  jist 
pick  out  agrindstun  that  isn't  too  hard  for  yer  blade.'" 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  tale  of  real  life  I  returned 


238  ORPHEUS  C.   KERR  PAPERS. 

to  the  city,  my  boy  ;  impressed  with  the  conviction 
that  the  purpose  of  the  sun's  rising  in  the  East  is  to 
give  the  New  Englanders  the  first  chance  to  monopo 
lize  the  supply,  should  daylight  ever  be  a  sailable 

article. 

Yours,  admiringly, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXXV. 

GIVING  PRACTICAL  ILLUSTRATION  OF  MODERN  PATRIOTISM,  AND  CEL 
EBRATING  THE  ADVANCE  OP  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE  TO  MANAS- 
SAS,  ETC. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  14th,  1S62. 

PATRIOTISM,  ray  boy,  is  a  very  beautiful  thing. 
The  surgeon  of  a  Western  regiment  has  analyzed  a 
very  nice  case  of  it,  and  says  that  it  is  peculiar  to 
this  hemisphere.  He  says  that  it  first  breaks  out  in 
the  mouth,  and  from  thence  extends  to  the  heart 
causing  the  latter  to  swell.  He  says  that  it  goes  on 
raging  until  it  reaches  the  pocket,  when  it  suddenly 
disappears,  leaving  the  patient  very  Constitutional 
and  conservative.  "  Bless  me !"  says  the  surgeon, 
intently  regarding  a  spoon  with  a  tumbler  round  it, 
"  if  a  genuine  American  ever  dies  of  patriotism  it 
will  be  because  the  Tax  Bill  hasn't  been  applied  soon 
enough." 

I  believe  him,  my  boy  ! 

On  Monday  morning,  just  as  the  sun  was  rising,  like 
a  big  gold  watch  "  put  up"  at  some  celestial  Simp 
son's,  the  sentinels  of  Fort  Corcoran  were  seized  with 
horrible  tremblings  at  a  sight  calculated  to  make  per- 


240          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

pendicular  hair  fashionable.  As  far  as  the  eye  could 
reach  on  every  side  of  the  Capital,  the  ground  was 
black  with  an  approaching  multitude,,  each  man  of 
which  wore  large  spectacles,,  and  carried  a  serious 
carpet-bag  and  a  bottle-green  umbrella. 

"  Be  jabers  !"  says  one  of  the  sentinels,  whose  im 
perfect  English  frequently  causes  him  to  be  taken  for 
the  Due  de  Chartres,  "  it's  the  whole  Southern  Con 
federacy  coming  to  boord  with  us." 

"Aisey,  me  boy/'  says  the  other  sentinel,  straight 
ening  the  barrel  of  his  musket  and  holding  it  very 
straight  to  keep  the  fatal  ball  from  rolling  out,  ".it's 
the  sperits  of  all  our  pravious  descindants  coming  to 
ax  us,  was  our  grandmother  the  Saycretary  of  the 
Navy/' 

Eight  onward  came  the  multitude,  their  spectacles 
glistening  in  the  sun  like  so  many  exasperated  young 
planets,  and  their  umbrellas  and  carpet-bags  swinging 
like  the  pendulums  of  so  many  infuriated  clocks. 

Pretty  soon  the  advance  guard,  who  was  a  chap  in 
a  white  neck-tie  and  a  hat  resembling  a  stove-pipe  in 
reduced  circumstances,  poked  a  sentinel  in  the  ribs 
with  his  umbrella,  and  says  he  : 

"  Where's  Congress  ?" 

"  Is  it  Congress  ye  want  ?"  says  the  sentinel. 

"  Yessir  !"  says  the  chap.  "  Yessir.  These  are 
friends  of  mine — ten  thousand  six  hundred  and  forty- 
two  free  American  citizens.  We  must  see  Congress. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERB    PAPERS.  241 

Yessir  ! — dammit.     How  about  that  tax-bill  ?     We 
come  to  protest  against  certain  features  in  that  bill." 

"  Murther  an  turf!"  says  the  sentinel,  "is  it  the 
taxes  all  of  them  ould  chaps  is  afther  blaming  ?" 

"  Yessir  !"  says  the  chap,  hysterically  jamming  his 
hat  down  over  his  forehead  and  stabbing  himself 
madly  under  the  arm  with  his  umbrella.  "  Taxes  is 
a  outrage.  Not  all  taxes,"  says  the  chap  with  sud 
den  benignity,  "but  the  taxes  which  fall  upon  us. 
Why  don't  they  tax  them  as  is  able  to  pay,  without 
oppressing  us  ministers,  editors,  merchants,  lawyers, 
grocers,  peddlers,  and  professors  of  religion  ?"  Here 
the  chap  turned  very  purple  in  the  face,  his  eyes 
bulged  greenly  out,  and  says  he  :  "  Congress  is  a  ass." 

"  That's  thruo  for  you,"  says  the  sentinel :  "  they 
ought  to  eximpt  the  whole  naytion  and  tax  the  rest 
of  it," 

The  multitude  then  swarmed  into  Washington,  my 
bay,  and  if  they  don't  smother  the  Tax  Bill,  it  will 
be  because  Congress  is  case-hardened. 

The  remainder  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  being  or 
dered  to  join  the -Conic  Section  at  Accomac  for  an 
irresistible  advance  on  Manassas,  I  mounted  my  gothic 
steed  Pegasus  on  Tuesday  morning. 

Pegasus,  my  boy,  has  greatly  improved  since  I 
rubbed  him  down  with  Snobb's  Patent  Hair  Invigora- 
tor,  and  his  tail  looks  much  less  like  a  whisk-broom 
than  it  did  at  first.  It  is  now  fully  able  to  maintain 

11 


242          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

itself  against  all  flies  whatsoever.  The  general  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  rode  beside  me  on  a  spirited  black 
frame,  and  says  he  : 

"  That  funereal  beast  of  yours  is  a  monument  of 
the  home  affections.  Thunder  \"  says  the  general, 
shedding  a  small  tear  of  the  color  of  Scheidam 
Schnapps,  "  I  never  look  at  that  air  horse  without 
thinking  of  the  time  I  buried  my  first  baby ;  its  head 
is  shaped  so  much  like  a  small  coffin/' 

On  reaching  Accomac,  my  boy,  we  found  Captain 
Villiam  Brown  at  the  head  of  the  Conic  Section  of 
the  Mackerel  Brigade,  dressed  principally  in  a  large 
sword  and  brass  buttons,  and  taking  the  altitude  of 
the  sun  with  a  glass  instrument  operated  by  means 
of  a  bottle. 

aAh  !"  says  Villiam,  "  You  are  just  in  time  to 
hear  my  speech  to  the  sons  of  Mars,  previous  to 
the  capture  of  Manassas  by  the  United  States  of 
America." 

Hereupon  Villiam  mounted  a  demijohn  laid  length 
wise,  and  says  he  : 

"FELLOW-ANACONDAS: — Having  been  informed 
by  a  gentleman  who  has  spent  two  weeks  at  Manassas, 
that  the  Southern  Confederacy  has  gone  South  for  its 
health,  I  have  concluded  that  it  is  time  to  be  offen 
sive.  The  great  Anaconda,  having  eluded  Barnum, 
is  about  to  move  on  the  enemy's  rear  : 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.         243 

1  '  Rear  aloft  your  peaks,  yo  mountings, 

Rear  aloft  your  waves,  0  sea  ! 
Rear  your  sparkling  crests,  ye  fountings, 
For  my  love's  come  back  to  me.' 

The  day  of  inaction  is  past,  and  now  the  United 
States  of  America  is  about  to  swoop  down  like  a 
exasperated  Eagle,  on  the  chickens  left  by  the  hawk. 
Are  you  ready,  my  sagacious  reptiles,  to  spill  a  drop 
or  so  for  your  soaking  country  ?  Are  you  ready  to 
rose  up  as  one  man — 

"  '  The  rose  is  red, 

The'  wi'lets  blue, 
Sugar  is  sweet,  and 

Bully  for  you.' 

•        » 

"  Ages  to  come  will  look  down  on  this  day  and 
say  :  i  They  died  young/  The  Present  will  reply  : 
c  I  don't  see  it ;'  but  the  present  is  just  the  last  thing 
for  us  to  think  about.  Kichmond  is  before  us,  and 
there  let  it  remain.  We  shall  take  it  in  a  few  years  : 

"  '  1C  may  be  for  years  and  it  may  be  for  ever, 
Then  why  art  thou  silent,  0  pride  of  mo  heart.' 

which  is  poickry.  I  hereby  divide  this  here  splendid 
army  into  one  corpse,  dammee,  and  take  command 
of  it." 

At  the  conclusion  of  this  thrilling  oration,  my  boy, 
the  corpse  dammee  formed  itself  into  a  hollow  square 
in  the  centre  of  which  appeared  a  mail-clad  ambu 
lance. 


244          ORPHEUS  C.  .KERR  PAPERS. 

I  looked  at  this  carefully,  and  then  says  I  to  Vil- 
liam  : 

"  Tell  me,  my  gay  Achilles,  what  you  carry  in 
that  ?" 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  balancing  himself  on  one 
leg,  "  them's  my  Kepeaters.  This  morning/'  says 
Villiam,  sagaciously,  "  I  discovered  six  Kepeaters 
among  my  men.  Each  of  them  voted  six  times  last 
election  day,  and  I've  put  them  where  they  can't  be 
killed.  Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  softly,  "the  Democratic 
party  can't  afford  to  lose  them  Repeaters." 

Here  a  rather  rusty-looking  chap  stepped  out  of  the 
ranksa  and  says  he  : 

"  Captain,  I'm  a  Repeater  too.  I  voted  four  times 
last  election." 

"It  takes  six  to  make  a  reliable  Repeater,"  says 
Villiam. 

"  Yes,"  says  the  chap  :  "  but  I  voted  for  different 
coves — twice  for  the  Republican  candidate  and  twice 
for  the  Democrat." 

"Ha  \"  says  Villiam,  "  you're  a  man  of  intellect 
Here,  sargent,"  says  Villiam,  imperiously,  "  put  this 
cherubim  into  the  ambulance." 

"  And,  sargent,"  says  Villiam,  thoughtfully,  "give 
him  the  front  seat." 

And  now,  my  boy,  the  march  for  Manassas  com 
menced,  being  timed  by  the  soft  music  of  the  band. 
This  band,  my  boy,  is  sui  generis.  Its  chief  artist  is 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  245 

an  ardent  admirer  of  Rossini,  who  performs  with  great 
accuracy  upon  a  night-key  pressed  closely  against  the 
lower  lip,  the  strains  being  much  like  those  emitted 
by  a  cart-wheel  in  want  of  grease.  Then  comes  a 
gifted  musican  from  Germany,  whose  instrument  is  a , 
fine-tooth  comb  wrapped  in  paper,  and  blown  upon 
through  its  vibratory  covering.  The  remainder  of  the 
band  is  composed  chiefly  of  drums,  though  the  second- 
base  achieves  some  fine  effects  with  a  superannuated 
accordeon. 

Onward  moved  the  magnificent  pageant  toward 
the  plains  of  Manassas,  the  Anatomical  Cavalry  being 
in  advance,  and  the  Mackerel  Brigade  following  closely 
after. 

Arriving  on  the  noted  battle-field,  we  found  noth 
ing  but  a  scene  of  desolation  ;  the  rebels  gone  ;  the 
masked  batteries  gone  ;  and  nothing  left  but  a  soli 
tary  daughter  of  the  sunny  South,  who  cursed  us  for 
invading  the  peaceful  homes  of  Virginia,  and  then 
tried  to  sell  us  stale  milk  at  six  shillings  a  quart. 

When  Captain  Villiam  Brown,  surveyed  this  spec 
tacle,  my  boy,  his  brows  knit  with  portentous  anger, 
and  says  he  : 

"  So  much  for  wasting  so  much  time.  Ah  !"  says 
Villiam,  clutching  convulsively  at  his  canteen,  "  we 
have  met  the  enemy,  and  they  are  hours — ahead  of 
us/' 

The  only  thing  noticeable  we  found,  my  boy,  upon 


246  ORPHEUS    C.    KERB    PAPERS. 

searching  the  late  stamping  ground  of  the  Southern 
Confederacy,  was  a  beautiful  "  romaunt,"  evidently 
written  by  an  oppressed  Southern  Union  man,  who 
had  gone  from  bad  to  verse,  and  descriptive  of 

THE    SOUTHERN"    VOLUNTEER'S    FAREWELL    TO    HIS 
WIFE. 

Fresh  from  snuff- dipping  to  his  arms  she  went, 

And  he,  a  quid  removing  from  his  mouth, 
Pressed  her  in  anguish  to  his  manly  breast 

And  spat  twice,  longingly,  toward  the  South. 

"  Zara,"  he  said,  and  hiccup'd  as  he  spoke, 

"  Indeed  I  find  it  most  (hie)  'stremely  hard 
To  leave  my  wife,  my  niggers,  and  my  debts, 
And  march  to  glory  with  the  '  Davis  Guard ;' 

"  But  all  to  arms  the  South  has  called  her  .sons, 

And  while  there's  something  Southern  hands  can  steal, 
You  can't  (hie)  'spect  me  to  stay  here  at  home 
With  heartless-duns  for  ever  at  my  heel. 

*'  To-night  a  hen-copp  falls ;  and  in  a  week 
We'll  take  the  Yankee  capital,  I  think ; 
But  should  it  prove  (hie)  'pedient  not  to  do't, 

Why,  then,  we'll  take — in  short,  we'll  take  a  drink, 

"I  reckon  I  may  p'erish  in  the  strife — 

Some  bullet  in  the  back  might  lay  me  low — 
And  as  my  business  needs  attendiu'  to, 
I'll  give  you  some  directions  ere  'I  go. 

"That  cotton-gin  I  haven't  paid  for  yet — 

The  Yankee  trusted  for  it,  dear,  you  know, 
And  it's  a  most  (hie)  'stremely  doubtful  thing, 
Whether  it's  ever  used  again,  or  no. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  247 

"  If  Yankee's  agent  calls  while  I  am  gone, 

It's  my  (hie)  'spress  command  and  wish,  that  you 
Denounce  him  for  an  abolition  spy, 

And  have  him  hung  before  his  note  is  due. 

"  That  octoroon — who  made  you  jealous,  love — 

"Who  sews  so  well  and  is  so  pale  a  thing; 
She  keeps  her  husband,  Sambo,  from  his  work — 
You'd  better  sell  her — well,  for  what  she'll  bring. 

"In  case  your  purse  runs  low  while  I'm  away — 

There's  Dinah's  children — two  (hie)  'spensive  whelps  ; 
They  won't  bring  much  the  way  the  markets  are, 
But  then  you  know  how  every  little  helps. 

"  And  there's  that  Yankee  schoolmistress,  you  know, 
"Who  taught  our  darlings  how  to  read  and  spell; 
Now  don't  (hie)  'spend  a  cent  to  pay  her  bill ; 
If  she  aren't  tarred  and  feathered,  she'll  do  well  1 

"  And  now,  my  dear,  I  go  where  booty  calls, 

I  leave  my  whisky,  cotton-crop,  and  thee ; 
Pray,  that  in  battle  I  may  not  (hie)  'spire, 
And  when  you  lick  the  niggers  think  of  me. 

"If  on  some  mournful  summer  afternoon 

They  should  bring  home  to  you  your  warrior  dead, 
Inter  me  with  a  toothpick  in  my  hand, 
And  write  a  last  (hie)  jacet  o'er  my  head." 

We  found  this  in  the  shed  lately  used  by  the  chiv- 
alric  Con's  tar  veracy  as  a  guard-house,  my  boy,  and 
read  it  with  deep  emotion. 

Yours,  Manassastonished, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXXVI. 

CONCERNING  THE  WEAKNESSES  OF  GREAT  MEN,  THE  CURIOUS  MISTAKE 
OF  A  FRATERNAL  MACKEREL,  AND  THE  REMARKABLE  ALLITERATIVE 
PERFORMANCE  OF  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  20th,  1862. 

WHEN  a  wise,  benign,  but  not  altogether  Khode- 
Island  Providence  saw  fit  to  deal  out  a  few  moun 
tains  to  Eastern  Tennessee  and  Western  Virginia, 
my  boy,  it  is  barely  possible  that  Providence  had  an 
eye  to  the  present  crisis  of  our  subtracted  country, 
and  intended  to  furnish  the  coming  Abe  with  a  lit 
place  for  the  lofty  accommodation  of  such  great  men 
as  were  not  in  immediate  demand  among  the-  poli 
ticians.  I  am  not  topographical  by  nature,  my  boy ; 
I  never  went  up  to  the  top  of  the  White  Mountains 
to  see  the  sun  rise,  and  didn't  see  ;  nor  did  I  ever 
scale  Mount  Blanc  for  the  purpose  of  allowing  a  fog 
to  settle  on  my  lungs  ;  but  it's  my  private  opinion, 
my  boy,  my  private  opinion,  that,  were  it  not  for  the 
perpendicular  elevations  of  the  earth's  surface  in  the 
States  named,  it  would  be  necessary  for  the  honest 
Old  Abe  either  to  turn  General  Fremont  into  a  reduced 
Consul,  and  commission  him  to  furnish  proofs  of  the 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.          249 

nation's  reverence  for  the  name  of  Lafayette,  or  coop 
him  up  somewhere  in  solitary  grandeur,  like  a  rabbit 
in  a  Warren, 

"Great  men,"  says  the  General  of  the  Mackerel 
Brigade,  as  he  and  I  were  looking  at  some  sugar 
together,  the  other  nigh,t,  through  concave  glasses — 
"great  men/'  says  he,  "are  like  the  ears  of  black- 
and-tan  terriers  ;  they  are  good  for  ornaments,  but 
you  must  cut  off  some  of  them  when  you  would  give 
them  rats.  Thunder  \"  says  the  general,  -taking  a 
perpendicular  view  of  the  sugar — "  if  we  didn't  cut 
off  great  men  occasionally,  there'd  be  more  presi 
dential  nominations  to  ratify  next  election  than  ever 
before  struck  terrier  to  the  heart  of  an  old-line  whig." 

But  you  have  yet  to  learn,  my  boy,  what  was  the 
great  reason  for  sending  Fremont  to  the  everlasting 
hills.  On  Tuesday  I  asked  a  knowing  veteran  at 
Willard's  what  it  really  was.  He  looked  at  me  for  a 
moment  in  immovable  silence  ;  then  ho  softly  placed 
his  spoon-gymnasium  on  a  table,  looked  cautiously 
in  all  directions,  crept  up  to  my  ear  on  tiptoe,  and 
says  he  : 

"Kerridges!" 

"Son  of  a  bottle!"  says  I,  "your  information  is 
about  as  intelligible  as  the  ordinary  remarks  of  Ralph 
Waldo  Emerson." 

The  knowing  veteran  suffered  his  nose  to  take  a 
steam-bath  for  a  moment,  and  then  says  he  : 


250          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

"  Kerridges  !  Kerridges  with  six  horses  and  the 
American  flag  flying  out  of  the  back  window.  Fre 
mont's  great  mistake  at  the  West  was  kerridges — and 
six  horses.  Did  he  wish  to  buy  some  shoe-strings  for 
his  babes — c  Captain  Poneyowiski/  says  he  to  his 
chamberlain,  'order  the  second  steward  to  tell  the 
scarlet-and-grey  groom,  to  send  the  kerridge  and  six 
horses  round  to  the  door,  with  a  full  band  on  the 
box/  Did  he  wish  to  make  a  call  on  the  next  block 
and  obtain  some  Bath  note-paper — (  General  Nock- 
mynoseoff/-  says  he  to  his  first  esquire  in  waiting, 
'  issue  a  proclamation  to  my  Master  in  Chancery  to 
instantly  command  the  Master  of  the  Horse  to  get 
ready  the  kerridge  with  six  horses,  and  send  the  Life- 
Guard  to  clear  the  way/  In  fact,"  says  the  knowing 
veteran,  frowning  mysteriously,  "it  is  rumored  that 
when  he  came  home  from  Debar' s  theatre  one  night, 
and  found  the  front  door  of  his  head-quarters  acci 
dentally  locked,  he  instantly  ordered  up  the  kerridge 
and  six  horses,  to  take  him  round  to  the  back  en 
trance.  Now,"  says  the  knowing  veteran,  suddenly 
striking  the  table  a  glass  blow  that  splashed,  and  as 
suming  an  air  of  embittered  argument — "  they've  sent 
him  to  the  mountains  to  suppress  his  kerridge." 

This  explanation,  my  boy,  may  be  all  a  fiction,  but 
certain  it  is  that  General  Fremont  has  not  the  carriage 
he  had  six  months  ago/' 

On  Wednesday  the  gothic  steed  Pegasus  bore  me 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  251 

once  more  to  Manassas,  where  I  found  the  Mackerel 
Brigade  vowing  vengeance  for  the  recent  rebel  atroci 
ties,  of  which  I  found  many  outrageous  evidences. 

Just  as  I  arrived  on  the  ground,  my  boy,  a  Mackerel 
chap  came  running  out  of  a  deserted  rebel  tent  with  a 
round  object  in  his  hand,  and  immediately  commenced 
to  tear  his  hair  and  speak  the  language  of  the  Sixth 
Ward. 

"My  brother!  my  brother!"  says  he,  eyeing  his 
horrible  trophy  with  tearful  emotion.  "  0  !  that  I 
should  live  to  see  your  beloved  skull  turned  into  a 
cheese-box  by  rebels  !  You  was  a  Boston  alderman, 
a  moral  man,  and  a  candidate  for  the  Legislature, 
before  you  came  to  this  here  horrid  war  to  be  killed 
by  rebels,  and  have  your  skull  aggravated  into  a  seces 
sion  utensil." 

Here  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  glanced 
at  the  heart-sickening  trophy,  and  says  he  to  the 
Mackerel  chap  : 

"  Why,  you  poor  ignorant  cuss  !  that  there  is 
nothing  but  a  cocoanut-sheli  hollowed  out." 

"  Is  it  ?"  says  the  inferior  Mackerel,  brightening 
up,  "  is  it  ?  Well/'  says  he,  feelingly,  "  I  took  it  for 
the  skull  of  my  brother,  the  Boston  Alderman — it's 
so  hard  and  thick." 

These  beautiful  displays  of  fraternal  emotion  are 
quite  frequent,  my  boy,  and  are  calculated  to  shed  a 
lustre  of  sanctity  over  the  discoveries  of  our  troops. 


252  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

The  capture  of  Kichmond  being  deferred  until  the 
younger  drummers  of  the  brigade  are  old  enough  to 
vote  in  that  city,  I  found  Captain  Villiam  Brown  and 
Captain  Bob  Shorty  seated  at  a  table  in  a  tent — the 
former  being  engaged  with  a  pen  and  a  decanter, 
while  the  latter  drew  a  map  of  the  campaign  with  a 
piece  of  lemon-peel  dipped  in  something  fragrant. 

It  was  beautiful  to  look  at  these  two  slashing 
heroes,  as  they  sat  there  in  the  genial  glare  of  canvas- 
strained  noon-day,  with  a  quart  vessel  between  them. 

"  Comrade/'  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty  to  me,  cor 
dially,  "this  here  is  what  we  call  intellectual  relax 
ation,  with  a  few  liquid  vowels  to  make  it  consonant 
with  our  tastes." 

"  Yes  !"  says  Captain  Villiam  Brown,  with  a  fas 
cinating  and  elaborate  wink  at  the  decanter,  "the 
physical  man  having  taken  Manassas,  the  human  in- 
telleck  is  now  in  airy  play.  Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  majes 
tically  passing  me  the  disentangled  curl-paper  on 
which  he  had  been  writing,  "  read  what  I  have  penned 
for  the  perusal  of  the  United  States  of  America.'" 

I  grasped  the  document,  my  boy,  and  found  on  it 
inscribed  the  following  efficacious  effusion  : 

FLOYD. 

Felonious  Floyd,  far-famed  for  falsifying, 
Forever  first  from  Federal  forces  flying, 
From  fabrications  fanning  Fortune's  flame, 
Finds  foul  Fugacity  factitious  Fame. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERU    PAPERS.  253 

Fool  1  facile  Fabler  1  Fugitive  flagitious  ! 
Fear  for  Futurity,  Filcher  fictitious ! 
Fame  forced  from  Folly,  finding  fawners  fled, 
Feeds  final  Failure — failure  fungus- fed. 

By  CAPTAIN  VJLLIAM  Buowx,  Eskevire. 

"Well,  iny  juvenile  Union-blue/'  says  Villiam, 
smiling  like  a  successful  cherubim,  "  what  do  you 
think  of  that  piece  of  American  intelleck  ?" 

"  I  think/'  says  I,  "  that  it  is  worthy  of  an  F.  F.  V." 

What  followed,  my  boy,  is  none  of  your  business, 
though  a  sentry  near  by  subsequently  observed  that 
he  heard  the  sound  of  soft,  mellifluous  gurgles  come 
from  the  interior  of  the  tent. 

Poetry,  my  boy,  is  man's  best  gift ;  and  that,  I 
suppose,  is  the  reason  why  it  is  so  popular  in  young 
women's  boarding-schools. 

Yours,  in  particular  metre, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERB. 


LETTER    XXXVII. 

DESCRIBING   THE   REMARKABE   STRATEGICAL    MOVEMENT    OF   THE   CONIC 
SECTION,    UNDER   CAPTAIN   BOB   SHORTY, 

"WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  2Sth,  1862. 

THE  most  interesting  natural  curiosity  here,  next 
to  Secretary  Welles'  beard,  is  the  office  of  the  Secre 
tary  of  the  Interior.  Covered  with  spider-webs,  and 
clothed  in  the  dust  of  ages,  my  boy,  sit  the  Secretary 
and  his  clerks,  like  so  many  respectable  mummies  in 
a  neglected  pyramid.  The  Department  of  the  Inte 
rior,  my  boy,  is  in  a  humorous  condition  ;  the  sales 
of  public  lands  for  the  past  year  amount  to  about  ten 
shillings,  the  only  buyer  being  a  conservative  Dutch 
man  from  New  Jersey,  who  hasn't  heard  about  the 
war  yet. 

These  things  weigh  upon  my  spirit,  and  I  was  glad 
to  order  up  my  Gothic  stallion,  Pegasus,  the  other 
day,  and  rattle  down  to  Manassas  once  more. 

Upon  reaching  that  celebrated  field  of  Mars,  my 
boy,  I  found  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  in 
his  tent,  surrounded  by  telegraphic  instruments  and 
railroad  maps,  while  the  Conic  Section  was  drawn  up 
in  line  outside. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  255 

"  You  appear  to  be  much  absorbed,  my  venerable 
Spartan/'  says  I  to  the  General,  as  I  handled  the 
diaphanous  vessel  he  was  using  as  an  act-drop  in  the 
theatre  of  war. 

The  General  frowned  like  an  obdurate  parent  refus 
ing  to  let  his  only  daughter  marry  a  coal-heaver,  and 
says  he  : 

"  I'm  absorbed  in  strategy.  Eighteen  months  ago, 
I  was  informed  by  a  contraband  that  sixty  thousand 
unnatural  rebels  were  intrenched  somewhere  near  here, 
and  having  returned  the  contraband  to  his  master,  to 
be  immediately  shot,  I  resolved  to  overwhelm  the  rebels 
by  strategy.  Thunder !"  says  the  General,  perspiring 
like  a  pitcher  of  ice-water  in  June,  "  if  there's  any 
thing  equal  to  diplomacy  it's  strategy.  And  now," 
says  the  General,  sternly,  "  it's  my  duty  to  order  you 
to  write  nothing  about  this  to  the  papers.  You  write 
about  my  movements  ;  the  papers  publish  it,  and  are 
sent  here  ;  my  adjutant  takes  the  papers  to  the  reb 
els  ;  and  so,  you  see,  my  plans  are  all  known.  I  have 
no  choice  but  to  suppress  you." 

"But,"  says  I,  "you  might  more  surely  keep  the 
news  from  the  rebels  by  arresting  the  adjutant." 

"  Thunder  !"  says  the  general,  "  I  never  thought 
of  that  before." 

Great  men,  my  boy,  are  never  so  great  but  that 
they  can  profit  occasionally  by  a  suggestion  from  the 
humblest  of  the  species.  I  once  knew  a  very  great  man 


256  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

who  went  home  one  night  in  a  shower,  and  was  horri 
fied  at  discovering  that  he  could  not  get  his  umbrella 
through  the  front  door.  He  was  a  very  great  man, 
understood  Sanscrit,  made  speeches  that  nobody  could 
comprehend,  and  had  relatives  in  Beacon-street,  Bos 
ton.  There  he  stood  in  the  rain,  my  boy,  pushing  his 
umbrella  this  way  and  that  way,  turning  it  endways 
and  sideways,  holding  it  at  acute  angles  and  obtuse 
angles  ;  but  still  it  wouldn't  go  through  the  door,  nor 
anything  like  it.  By-and-by  there  came  along  a  chap 
of  humble  attainments,  who  sung  out : 

"  What's  the  matter,  old  three-and-sixpence  ?" 
,   The  great  man  turned  pantingly  round,  and  says 
he: 

"  Ah,  my  friend,  I  cannot  get  my  umbrella  into  the 
house.  I've  been  trying  for  half  an  hour  to  wedge  it. 
through  the  door,  but  I  can't  get  it  through  and  know 
not  how  to  act." 

The  humble  chap  stood  under  a  gas-light,  my  boy, 
and  by  the  gleams  thereof  his  mouth  was  observed  to 
pucker  loaferishly. 

"  Hev  you  tried  the  experiment  of  shutting  up  that 
air  umbrella  ?"  says  he. 

The  great  man  gave  a  start,  and  says  he  : 

"  Per  Jovem  I     I  didn't  think  to  do  that." 

And  he  shut  his  umbrella  and  went  in  peacefully. 

The  Conic  Section  was  to  make  its  great  strategic 
movement,  my  boy,  under  Captain  Bob  Shorty  ;  and, 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  257 

led  by  that  fearless  warrior,  it  set  out  at  twilight. 
Onward  tramped  the  heroes  according  to  Hardee,  for 
about  an  hour,  and  then  they  reached  a  queer-look 
ing  little  house  with  a  great  deal  of  piazza  and  a  very 
little  ground-floor.  With  his  cap  cocked  very  much 
over  one  eye,  Captain  Bob  Shorty  knocked  at  the 
door,  and  was  answered  by  a  young  maiden  of  about 
forty-two. 

"  Hast  seen  any  troops  pass  here  of  late  ?"  asked 
Captain  Bob  Shorty,  with  much  dignity. 

The  Southern  maiden,  who  was  a  First  Family, 
sniffed  indignantly,  and  says  she  : 

"  I  reckon  not,  poor  hireling  Hessian." 

"  Forward — double-quick — march  !"  says  Captain 
Bob  Shorty,  with  much  vehemence  ;  "  that  ere  young 
woman  has  been  eating  onions." 

"  Onward,  right  onward  through  the  darkness,  went 
the  Conic  Section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  eager  to 
engage  the  rebel  foe  and  work  out  the  genius  of 
strategy.  Half  an  hour,  and  another  house  was 
reached.  In  response  to  the  captain's  knock  a  son 
of  chivalry  stuck  his  head  out  of  a  window,  and 
says  he  : 

"There's  nobody  at  home." 

Peace,  ignoramius  !"  says  Captain  L'ob  Shorty, 
majestically  ;  "  the  United  States  of  America  wishes 
to  know  if  you  have  seen  any  troops  go  by  to 
night." 


258          ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

"  Yes/'  says  the  chivalry,  "  my  sister  saw  a  com 
pany  go  by  just  now;  I  reckon." 

"  Forward — double  quick — march  !"  says  Captain 
Bob  Shorty,  "we  can  catch  the  Confederacy  alive  if 
we're  quick  enough." 

And  now,  my  boy,  the  march  was  resumed  with 
new  vigor,  for  it  was  certain  that  the  enemy  was  right 
in  front,  and  might  be  strategically  annihilated.  A 
long  time  passed,  however,  without  the  discovery  of  a 
soul,  and  it  was  after  midnight  when  the  next  house 
was  gained. 

A  small  black  contraband  came  to  the  door,  and 
says  he  : 

"  By  gorry,  mars'r  sogerum,  what  you  hab  ?" 

"Tell  me,  young  Christy's  minstrel,"  says  Cap 
tain  Bob  Shorty,  "have  any  troops  passed  here  to 
night  ?" 

The  contraband  turned  a  summerset,  and  says  he  : 

"  Mars'  and  misses  hab  seen  two  companies  dis 
berry  night,  so  helpum  God." 

"  Forward — double-quick — march  !"  says  Captain 
Bob  Shorty.  "Two  companies  is  rather  heavy  for 
this  here  band  of  Spartans,  but  it  is  sweet  to  die  for 
one's  country/' 

The  march  went  on,  my  boy,  until  we  got  to  the 
next  house,  where  the  inmates  refused  to  appear,  but 
shouted  that  they  had  seen  three  companies  go  past. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  259 

At  this  Captain  Bob  Shorty  was  heard  to  scratch  his 
head  in  the  darkness,  and  says  he  : 

"  This  here  strategy  is  a  good  thing  at  decent  odds  : 
but  when  it's,  three  to-  one,  it's  more  respectable  to 
have  all  quiet  on  the  Potomac.  Halt,  fellow  wictims, 
and  let  us  wait  here  until  the  daily  sun  is  issued  by 
the  divine  editor." 

The  orb  of  light  was  calmly  stealing  up  the  east, 
my  boy,  when  Captain  Bob  Shorty  sprang  from  his 
blanket  and  observed  the  house,  before  which  the 
Conic  Section  was  encamped,  with  protruding  eyes. 

"  By  all  that's  blue  !"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty, 
"  if  that  ain't  the  werry  identical  house  where  we  saw 
the  vinegar  maiden  last  night  !" 

And  so  it  was,  my  boy  !  The  Conic  Section  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  had  been  going  round  and  round  on 
a  private  race-course  all  night,  stopping  four  times  at 
the  same  judge's  stand,  and  going  after  their  own 
tails,  like  so  many  humorous  cats. 

Strategy,  my  boy,  is  a  profound  science,  and  don't 
cost  more  than  two  millions  a  day,  while  the  money 
lasts.  Yours,  in  deep  cogitation, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER  XXXVIII. 

INTRODUCING  THE  VERITABLE  "HYMN  OF  THE  CONTRABANDS,"  WITH 
EMANCIPATION  MUSIC,  AND  DESCRIBING  THE  TERRIFIC  COMBAT  A  LA 
MAIN  BETWEEN  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN,  OF  THE  UNITED  STATES 
OF  AMERICA,  AND  CAPTAIN  MUNCHAUSEN,  OF  THE  SOUTHERN  CON 
FEDERACY. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  April  4th,  1862. 

KNOWING  you  to  be  a  connoisseur  in  horse-flesh, 
my  boy,  it  is  but  proper  I  should  tell  you  that  I  have 
leased  my  steed,  the  gothic  Pegasus,  for  a  few  days  to 
an  army  carpenter,  that  gentleman  having  expressed 
a  wish  to  use  my  architectural  animal  as  a  model  for 
some  new  barracks.  Pegasus,  my  boy,  when  viewed 
lengthwise,  presents  a  perspective  not  unlike  a 
Hoboken  cottage,  and  eminent  builders  tell  me  that 
his  back  is  the  very  beau  ideal  of  a  combination  roof. 
I  sent  a  side-view  photograph  of  the  fiery  stallion  to 
a  venerable  grandmother  not  long  since,  and  she 
wrote  back  that  she  was  glad  to  see  I  had  my  quar 
ters  elevated  on  piles  to  avoid  dampness,  but  should 
think  the  hut  would  s*moke  with  such  a  crooked 
chimney  !  The  old  lady  is  rather  hard  of  hearing, 
my  boy,  and  makes  trifling .  mistakes  without  her 
spectacles. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  261 

In  the  absence  of  my  war-horse  I  hired  a  respecta 
ble  hack  to  take  me  to  Manassas,  the  driver  saying 
that  he  would  not  charge  me  more  than  ten  dollars 
an  hour,  as  he  had  seen  better  days  himself.  What 
his  seeing  better  days  had  to  do  with  me  I  didn't  ex 
actly  see,  my  boy  ;  but  I  hired  the  chariot,  and  we 
went  down  the  river  at  a  pace  sometimes  achieved  by 
that  carriage  in  a  funeral  which  contains  the  parents 
of  the  deceased. 

Wet  towels,  soda-water,  and  a  few  wholesome 
kicks  in  the  rear  having  rendered  Company  3,  Regi 
ment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade,  sufficiently  certain  of  their 
legs  to  march  a  polka  in  the  space  of  an  ordinary 
corn  field,  Captain  Villiam  Brown  placed  himself  at 
their  head,  and,  flanked  by  a  canteen  and  an  adju 
tant,  the  combined  pageant  was  just  about  to  move 
on  a  reconnoitering  expedition  as  I  came  up. 

"  Ha  !"  said  Villiam,  hastily  placing  his  shirt-frill 
over  the  neck  of  a  bottle  that  accidentally  peeped 
from  his  bosom — "  I  am  about  to  lead  these  noble 
beings  on  the  path  of  glory,  and  you  shall  participate 
in  the  beams." 

Without  a  word,  I  turned  his  left  wing  ;  and  as 
the  band,  which  consisted  of  a  fat  Dutchman  and  a 
night-key  bugle,  struck  up  "  Drops  of  Brandy/'  we 
moved  onward,  like  the  celestial  vision  of  childhood's 
dream. 

Like  the  radiance  of  a  higher  heaven  streaming 


262  OKPHEUS   C.    KERB    PAPERS. 

through  the  golden-tinted  windows  of  some  grand 
old  cathedral,  fell  the  softened  light  of  that  April 
afternoon.,  on  budding  Nature,  as  we  halted  before  a 
piece  of  woods  just  this  side  of  Strasburg.  On  the 
new  leaves  of  the  trees  in  front  of  us  the  sunshine 
coined  a  thousand  phantom  cataracts  of  specie,  and 
in  the  vale  below  us  a  delicate  purple  shadow  wrestled 
with  the  hill-reflected  fire  of  the  sun.  Deep  silence 
fell  on  Company  3;  Kegiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade  ; 
the  band  put  his  instrument  on  the  ring  with  the  key 
of  his  trunk,  and  Yilliam  softly  reconnoitred  through 
a  spy-glass  furnished  with  a  cork.  Suddenly  the 
tones  of  a  rich,  manly  voice  swelled  up  from  the  bosom 
of  the  valley. 

"Hush  !"  says  Villiam,  sternly  eyeing  the  band, 
who  had  just  hiccupped — "  'tis  the  song  of  the  Con 
trabands." 

We  all  listened,  and  could  distinctly  hear  the  fol 
lowing  words  of  the  singer  : 


"They're  holding  camp-meeting  in  Hickory  Swamp, 

0,  let  my  people  go ; 
Do  preacher's  so  dark  dat  he  carry  um  lamp, 

0,  let  my  people  go. 
.  De  brudders  am  singing  dis  jubilee  tune, 

0,  let  my  people  go ; 

Two  doDars  a  year  for  de  Weekly  Tribune, 
0,  let  my  people  go!" 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  263 

As  the  strain  died  away  in  the  distance,  the  adju 
tant  slapped  his  left  leg. 

"  Why,"  said  he,  dreamily,  "  that  must  be  Greeley 
down  there." 

"No  !"  says  Villiam,  solemnly,  "it  is  one  of  the 
wronged  children  of  tyranny  warbling  the  suppressed 
hymn  of  his  injured  people.  It  is  a  sign/'  says  Vil 
liam,  trembling  with  bravery,  "that  the  Southern 
Confederacy  is  somewhere  around  ;  for  when  you 
hear  the  squeak -of  the  agonized  rat,"  said  Villiam, 
philosophically,  "  you  may  be  sure  that  the  sanguinary 
'terrier  is  on  the  war-path." 

Scarcely  had  he  spoken,  my  boy,  when  there 
emerged  from  the  edge  of  the  wood  before  us  a  rebel 
company,  headed  by  an  officer  of  hairy  countenance 
and  much  shirt  collar.  This  officer's  face  was  a 
whisker  plantation,  through  which  his  eyes  peeped 
forth  like  two  snakes  coiled  up  in  a  window-brush. 
His  dress  was  shoddy,  his  air  was  toddy,  and  a 
yard  of  valuable  stair-carpet  enveloped  his  manly 
shoulders. 

"  Halt  !"  said  he  to  his  file  of  reptiles,  whose  gen 
eral  effect  was  that  of  a  congress  of  rag-merchants 
just  come  in  from  a  happy  speculation  in  George-Law 
muskets. 

"Sir,"  said  the  officer,  bowing  in  a  graceful  semi 
circle,  "I  am  somewhat  in  the  First  Family  way, 
own  a  plantation,  drink  but  little  water  at  home,  and 


264  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

have  the  honor  to  be  Captain  Munchausen,  of  the 
Southern  Confederacy/' 

"  Dost  fence  ?"  says  Villiam,  grimly  drawing  his 
sword. 

"  Fence  !"  says  Captain  Munchausen,  also  drawing 
his  disguised  crowbar.  "  Didst  ever  hear,  boy,  or 
read,  of  that  great  fencer  of  the  olden  time,  the 
Chevalier  St.  George  ?" 

"  Often,"  says  Villiam,  in  a  tone  that  was  as  plainly 
the  echo  of  a  lie  as  is  that  of  the  delicate  female  eater 
of  slate-pencils,  when  she  says  that  she  never  could 
bear  pork  and  beans. 

"  Well/7  says  Captain  Munchausen,  haughtily, 
"  the  chevalier  was  so  extremely  jealous  of  my  supe 
rior  skill,  that  he  actually  went  and  died  nearly  a 
hundred  years  before  I  was  born/' 

"  Soap/'  says  Villiam,  like  one  talking  in  his  sleep, 
"  is  sometimes  made  with  powerful  lie." 

"By  Chivalry  !"  says  Qaptain  Munchausen,  choler- 
ically  ;  "I  swear,  I  never  told  a  single  lie  in  all  my 
life." 

"  A  single  lie  !"  says  Villiam,  abstractedly  ;  "ah, 
no  !  for  the  lies  of  the  Southern  Confederacy  are  all 
married,  and  have  large  families." 

This  domestic  speech,  my  boy,  was  too  much  for 
Munchausen.  Asking  one  of  the  rag  merchants  to 
hold  his  three-ply  overcoat,  and  carefully  removing 
his  fragmentary  cap,  that  none  of  the  cold  potatoes 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  265 

should  spill  out  of  it,  he  planted  the  remains  of  his 
right  boot  slightly  in  advance  of  the  skeleton  of  his 
left,  and  thundered  : 

"  'Sblood  !" 

Quick  as  the  lightning  leaps  along  the  cloud  did 
Captain  Villiam  Brown  send  the  great  toe  of  his 
dexter  foot  to  meet  that  of  his  foe  ;  his  •  Damascus 
blade  lay  across  the  opposing  brand,  and  he  whis 
pered  : 

"  'Sdeath  !" 

It  was  a  beautiful  sight — by  Minerva  it  was  ! 

"  Stop  !"  says  Yilliam,  suddenly  hauling  in  his 
weapon  again  ;  "  it  shall  never  be  said  that  I  took 
advantage  of  a  foeman." 

As  he  uttered  these  memorable  words,  my  boy,  this 
ornament  of  the  service  plucked  an  infant  demijohn 
from  his  fearless  bosom  and  magnanimously  passed  it 
to  his  antagonist. 

A  soft  commotion  was  visible  in  the  whiskers  of 
Captain  Munchausen — the  suburb  of  a  smile  as  it 
were ;  a  cavern  opened  in  their  midst,  the  vessel 
ascended  curvilinearly  thereto,  and  the  sound  was  as 
the  trickling  of  water  down  a  mountain  gulch. 

The  adjutant  took  his  seat  on  the  sleeping  body  of 
the  band,  and  with  pencil  and  paper  prepared  to 
record  the  combat.  The  opposing  champions  faced 
each  other,  and  as  Villiam  once  more  raised  his  blade 
he  smiled  horribly. 

12 


266  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

Then,  my  boy,  was  witnessed  a  scene  to  make  old 
Charlemagne's  paladins  dance  High-jinks  in  their 
graves,  and  call  all  the  Arturian  knights  to  life  again. 
Carte  ct  tierce  !  but  it  was  a  spectacle  for  Hector  and 
Achilles.  With  swords  pointed  straight  at  each 
other's  noses  did  the  valorous  heroes  skip  wildly  back, 
and  then  as  wildly  forward.  Slam  !  bang  !  crack  ! 
smack  !"  right  and  left !  over  and  under  !  parry,  feint, 
and  premiere  force  !  Now  did  they  hop  fierily  along 
on  opposite  sides  of  the  road,  eyeing  each  other 
like  demoniac  Thomas  Cats  upon  the  moonlit  fence. 
Ever  and  anon  did  they  dart  furiously  to  the  centre, 
cutting  the  blessed  atmosphere  to  invisible  splinters, 
and  slaying  imaginary  legions. 

But  a  crisis  was  at  hand  !  In  one  of  his  terrible 
chops,  the  cool  and  collected  Villiam  brought  his 
deadly  weapon  down  full  upon  the  knuckles  of  the 
enemy.  But  for  the  fact  that  Villiam's  sword  was 
not  quite  as  sharp  as  the  side  of  an  ordinary  three- 
story  house,  Munchausen's  hand  would  never  more 
have  wielded  trenchant  blade.  As  it  was,  he  hastily 
dashed  his  brand  to  the  ground,  crammed  his  knuckles 
into  his  mouth,  struck  up  an  impassioned  dance,  and 
mumbled,  in  extreme  agitation  : 

"  Golfire  your  cursed  abolition  soul  !" 

It  was  beautiful,  my  boy,  to  see  how  the  calm  Vil 
liam  leaned  upon  his  sword  and  smiled. 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  "so  perish  the  foes  of  the 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  267 

Union,  the  Constitution,  and  the  Enforcement  of  the 
Laws.  I  have  bruised  the  Confederacy. — Adjutant  1" 
says  Villiam,  in  a  sudden  burst  of  pardonable  exulta 
tion,  "score  one  for  the  United  States  of  America  !" 

Now  it  happened,  my  boy,  that,  as  Villiam  said 
this,  he  turned  to  where  the  adjutant  was  sitting,  and 
bent  down  to  give  particular  directions.  His  body 
was  thus  made  to  assume  somewhat  of  the  shape  of 
the  letter  U,  the  curve  being  sharply  toward  the  ene 
my.  In  an  instant  Captain  Munchausen  regained  his 
sword,  grasped  it  after  the  manner  of  a  flail,  and,  with 
a  prodigious  spank,  applied  it  to  the  unguarded  por 
tion  of  my  hero's  anatomy. 

High  sprang  the  almost  assassinated  Villiam  into 
the  air,  with  sparks  pouring  from  his  eyes,  and  Union 
oaths  hissing  from  his  working  jaws. 

"Adjutant!"  roared  Captain  Munchausen,  "score 
one  for  the  Southern  Confederacy  \" 

No  sooner  had  Villiam  reached  the  ground  and 
picked  up  the  cork  that  had  fallen  from  his  bosom  as 
he  ascended,  than  he  plunged  rampagiously  at  his  ad 
versary,  and  aimed  a  blow  at  his  head  that  must  have 
taken  it  off  had  Captain  Munchausen  been  about  a 
yard  taller.  As  it  was,  the  stroke  mercilessly  split 
the  air,  and  caused  my  hero  to  spin  like  a  mighty  top. 

In  vain  did  the  shameless  Confederate  swordsman 
endeavor  to  get  in  a  hit  as  Villiam  went  round  ;  the 
sword  of  the  Union  met  him  at  every  turn,  and  right 


268  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

quickly  was  the  avenging  blade  humming  around  his 
head  again.  Inspired  with  the  strength  of  Hercules, 
the  endurance  of  Prometheus,  and  the  fire  of  Pluto, 
the  gorgeous  Villiam  Brown  went  at  his  work  once 
more,  like  a  feller  of  great  trees,  arid  in  another  mo 
ment  his  awful  blade  twanged  upon  the  foeman's  head. 

Down  went  Captain  Munchausen  singing  inverted 
psalms,  with  a  whole  nest  of  rockets  exploding  in  his 
brain.  Pale  turned  his  rag  merchants  at  the  sight, 
and  one  of  them  immediately  deserted  to  our  side  and 
swore  that  he  had  always  been  a  Union  man. 

Villiam  leaned  upon  his  blade,  and  kindly  re 
marked  : 

"  His  head  is  broken  ;  I  heard  it  crack." 

"  'Tis  false  !"  says  Captain  Munchausen,  gloomily ; 
"that  is  an  old  crack — I've  had  it  ever  since  I  was  a 
boy." 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  airily,  "Fm  afraid  my  blow, 
has  caused  more  than  one  funeral  in  the  inseck  king 
dom,  for  the  cut  went  right  through  the  hair.     Have 
a  comb  ?"  says  Villiam,  pleasantly. 

Captain  Munchausen  made  no  reply,  my  boy,  but 
motioned  for  his  men  to  bear  him  from  the  field.  It 
was  noticed  however,  that,  as  he  was  being  carried 
into  the  wood,  he  asked  a  gentleman  in  remarkable 
tatters,  to  take  him  to  the  last  ditch. 

As  the  Southern  Confederacy  disappeared,  Captain 
Villiam  Brown  hammered  his  sword  straight  with  a 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  269 

bit  of  stone,  forced  it  into  its  scabbard,  and  turned 
majestically  to  Company  3,  Eeginient  5,  Mackerel 
Brigade,  several  members  of  which  were  engaged  in 
the  athletic  game  of  pitch-penny. 

"  Let  the  band  be  awakened,"  says  Villiam. 

A  Mackerel  at  once  proceeded  to  break  the  slum 
bers  of  the  orchestra,  by  shaking  a  bottle  near  his  ear 
— that  experiment  having  never  been  known  to  fail  in 
the  case  of  a  pronounced  musical  character. 

"Ha!"  says  Villiam,  with  much  spirit,  awe  will 
march  to  the  national  airs  of  our  distracted  country  !" 

After  sounding  several  cat-calls  on  his  night-key 
bugle,  in  the  manner  of  all  great  instrumentalists 
who  wish  to  know  about  their  instruments  being  in 
tune,  the  band  struck  up  u  Ale  to  the  Chief,"  and  we 
marched  to  quarters  like  so  many  heroes  of  ancient 
Eum. 

Shall  treason  triumph  in  our  land,  my  boy,  while 
there's  a  sword  to  wave  ?  I  think  not,  my  boy,  I 
think  not.  Though  Columbia  did  not  rule  the  wave, 
her  champions  would  see  to  it  that  she  never  waived 
the  rule.  Yours,  for  the  Star- Spangled, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XXXIX. 

SHOWING   HOW   A   REBEL   WAS   REDUCED,  AND   CONVERTED   TO    "  RECON 
STRUCTION,"    BY   THE   VALOROUS   ORANGE    COUNTY   HOWITZERS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  April  13th,  1862. 

THE  stirring  times  are  come  again,  the  maddest  of 
the  year,  and  I  am  beginning  to  believe,,  my  boy,  that 
what  is  to  be  will  be  as  what  has  been  has.  Though 
still  without  my  Gothic  charger,  Pegasus,  that  sym 
metrical  racer  having  been  borrowed  for  a  writing- 
desk  by  a  Secretary  of  the  Fronterior,  I  am  enabled  to 
keep  up  communications  with  the  Mackerel  corpse 
dammee  down  the  river,  and  ten  thousand  star-span 
gled  banners  flash  through  my  veins  as  I  relate  the 
recent  great  artillery  expedition  of  the  Orange  County 
Howitzers. 

It  seems,  my  boy,  that  an  intellectual  member  of 
the  Mackerel  Brigade  got  tired  of  investing  Yorktown, 
and  wandered  away  in  pursuit  of  adventure.  As  he 
peregrinated  in  the  neighborhood  of  a  rebel  domicil, 
he  beheld  what  he  took  for  the  bird  of  our  country, 
stalking  out  of  the  barnyard,  and  was  taking  measures 
to  confiscate  it,  when  the  proprietor  made  his  appear 
ance,  and  says  he  : 


ORPHEUS    C.   KERR   PAPERS.  271 

"Hessian,  spare  that  goose  !" 

The  Mackerel  chap  gave  a  tragic  start,  and  says  he  : 

"  Tis  the  Eagle  I  would  rescue,  Horatio  :  the  bird 
celebrated  by  iny  brother,  the  Congressman,  in  all  his 
speeches." 

"Well,"  says  the  foul  traitor,  "it  is  undoubtedly 
what  the  Congressman  takes  for  an  Eagle,  as  I  am. 
aware  that  Congressmen  generally  treat  the  American 
Eagle  as  if  he  were  a  goose ;  but  as  that  gander  happens 
to  belong  to  one  of  the  very  First  Families  of  Virginia, 
and  cost  me  four  shillings,  it  becomes  my  painful  duty 
to  resist  your  habeas  corpus  act."  And  with  that  he 
drove  the  beautiful  bird  into  the  barnyard,  and  locked 
the  gate. 

Fired  to  fury  by  this  insult  from  one  of  those  whom 
our  army  had  come  to  protect,  the  Mackerel  chap  went 
immediately  back  to  quarters,  and  appealed  to  his 
comrades  for  vengeance. 

That  gifted  officer  Samyule  Sa-mith,  heard  his 
burning  words,  and  says  he  : 

"The  cannon  of  the  Union  shall  speak  in  this  mat 
ter.  Let  the  Orange  County  Howitzers  get  ready  for 
action,  and  I  will  lead  them  against  the  Philistine." 

Instantly  arose  the  notes  of  dreadful  preparation  ; 
the  guns  were  mobilized,  six  English  gentlemen  in 
the  hosiery  business  were  invited  to  view  the  coming 
battle,  and  just  as  the  moon  rose  above  the  trees,  the 
artillery  started  for  the  rebel  stronghold. 


272         ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

Arriving  before  the  offending  house,  the  howitzers 
were  placed  in  line,  and  all  got  ready  for  the  bom 
bardment.  It  was  just  possible,  my  boy,  that  two 
men  might  have  marched  into  that  house,  and  cap 
tured  the  misguided  Confederacy  without  slaughter. 
You  may  be  unable  to  see  what  use  there  was  in 
bringing  artillery  and  forming  in  line  of  battle  ;  but 
you  are  very  ignorant,  my  boy  ;  you  know  nothing 
about  strategy  and  war. 

"  Soldiers/'  says  Samyule,  "  remember  that  the 
eyes  of  the  whole  world  are  upon  you  at  this  moment, 
and  endeavor  to  hit  the  house  as  often  as  possible. 
We  will  fire  one  round  without  ball/'  says  Samyule, 
"  to  see  if  the  powder  is  first-class." 

Now  it  chanced  that  while  the  loading-up  was 
going  on,  the  gallant  Lieutenant  Lemons  got  his  legs 
wonderfully  entangled  in  the  lanyard  of  his  piece, 
and  kept  turning  the  howitzer  around  in  a  manner 
strongly  expressive  of  nervous  agitation.  Suddenly 
he  stepped  across  to  where  Sarnyule  was  standing, 
and  whispered  in  his  ear. 

"  0,  I  see/'  says  Samyule,  kindly,  "  you  were 
educated  at  West  Point,  and  want  to  know  which 
end  of  the  cannon  ought  to  be  pointed  at  the  enemy. 
Well/'  says  Samyule,  instructively,  "  you'd  better 
point  the  end  with  a  hole  in  it." 

.Everything  being  in  readiness,  my  boy,  the  com 
bined  battery  launched  its  thunders  on  the  air,  creat- 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR    PAPERS.  273 

ing  a  great  sensation  in  the  neigboring  hen-roosts, 
and  causing  a  large  rooster  to  fall  from  a  branch  in 
the  midst  of  his  refreshing  slumbers. 

"  Now,  that  the  powder  has  sustained  its  reputa 
tion,"  says  Samyule,  impressively,  "  let  the  two-inch 
balls  be  hurled  at  the  enemy's  works." 

As  the  house  was  full  ten  yards  off,  this  second  dis 
charge  failed  to  hit  it  ;  but  it  brought  the  Southern 
Confederacy  to  the  window  in  his  night-cap,  and  says 
he: 

"  There's  no  use  of  rny  trying  to  sleep,  if  you  chaps 
keep  making  such  a  noise  down  there." 

"  Unhappy  man,"  says  Samyule,  solemnly,  "  we 
come  here  to  reduce  you,  and  will  listen  to  nothing 
but  unconditional  surrender." 

The  Confederacy  gaped,  and  says  ho  : 

"  I'm  very  sleepy,  and  can't  talk  to  you  now  ;  but 
I'll  call  over  in  the  morning." 

And  he  shut  the  window,  and  went  back  to  bed. 
A  frown  was  observed  to  steal  over  the  face  of  Sam 
yule.  He  has  a  peculiar  countenance,  my  boy,  and 
a  frown  affects  it  strangely.  Take  his  mouth  and 
moustache  together,  and  they  remind  you  of  a  mouse 
sunning  himself  on  the  edge  of  his  hole  ;  and  when 
the  frown  comes  on,  the  mouse  acts  as  though  he  had 
a  stomach-ache. 

"  Comrades,"  says  Samyule,  "  the  enemy  requires 
12* 


274  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

another  round,  and  we  must  do  it  on  the  square. 
Fire  !" 

Like  four-and-twenty  thunder-storms  the  howitzers 
roared  together,  and  had  not  the  Orange  County  vet 
erans  forgotten  to  put  in  any  balls,  there  is  reason  to 
believe  that  some  windows  would  have  been  broken. 
Another  discharge,  however,  was  more  successful,  as 
it  knocked  the  top  oif  the  chimney. 

The  Southern  Confederacy  appeared  at  the  window 
again,  and  says  he  : 

"  If  you  fellows  don't  quit  that  racket  down  there, 
you'll  irritate  me  pretty  soon." 

This  significant  remark  caused  a  sudden  cessation 
of  the  bombardment,  and  Samyule  hastily  called  a 
council  of  war. 

"  Gentlemen/'  says  Samyule,  "  a  new  issue  has 
arisen.  If  we  irritate  the  Southern  Confederacy,  all 
hopes  of  future  Union  and  reconstruction  may  be 
destroyed." 

A  chap  who  was  a  conservative  democrat  suddenly 
flamed  up  at  this,  and  says  he  : 

"  The  abolitionists  caused  this  terrible  war,  and  it 
is  our  business,  as  no-party  men,  to  finish  it  Consti 
tutionally.  If  we  irritate  this  man,  no  power  on 
earth  will  ever  make  him  submit  to  reconstruction. 
Ask  him." 

Here  the  democratic  chap  took  a  large  taste  of  to 
bacco,  and  sighed  for  his  country. 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.         275 

"  Mr.  Davis/'  says  Samyule  to  the  Confederacy  at 
the  window,  "  if  we  do  not  irritate  you,  will  you  con 
sent  to  be  reconstructed  ?" 

"  Reconstructed  !"  says  the  Confederacy,  thought 
fully  ;  "  reconstructed  !  Ah  !"  says  he,  "  you  mean, 
will  I  consent  to  be  born  again  ?" 

"  Yes,"  says  Samyule,  metaphysically  ;  "  will  you 
consent  to  be  borne  again,  as  we  have  borne  with  you 
heretofore  ?" 

The  Confederacy  thought  awhile,  and  then  says  he : 

"  Consider  me  reconstructed." 

As  that  was  all  the  Constitution  asked,  of  course 
there  was  no  more  to  be  done,  and  the  Orange  County 
Howitzers  returned  to  their  original  position  in  the 
mire,  the  English  gentlemen  remarking  that  the  ap 
pearance  and  discipline  of  our  troops  were  satisfac 
tory  to  Albion. 

Fighting  according  to  the  Constitution,  my  boy,  is 
such  an  admirable  way  of  preventing  carnage,  that 
some  doctor  ought  to  take  out  a  patent  for  it  as  a 
cheap  medicine. 

Yours  to  come,  and 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR, 


'LETTER   XL. 

RENDERING    TRIBUTE     OP     ADMIRATION     TO     THE   WOMEN   OF    AMERICA, 
WITH   A    REMINISCENCE    OP    IIOBBS    &   DOBBS,    ETC. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  April  18th,  1S62. 

HAVING  a  leisure  hour  at  my  disposal,  my  boy,  and 
being  reminded  of  infatuating  crinoline  by  the  recep 
tion  of  certain  bird-like  notes  in  chirography  strongly 
resembling  the  exquisite  edging  on  delicious  panta 
lettes,  I  turn  my  attention  to  that  beautiful  creation 
which  is  fearfully  and  wonderfully  maid,  and  wears 
distracting  gaiters. 

Woman,  my  boy,  at  her  worst,  is  a  source  of  real 
happiness  to  the  sterner  sex.  There's  a  chap  in  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  who  got  very  melancholy  one  day 
after  receiving  a  letter  from  home,  wherein  he  was 
affectionately  called  "  a  unnatural  and  wicious  crec- 
tur"  for  not  sending  his  better-half  a  new  dress  and 
some  hair-pins.  Seeing  his  affliction,  and  divining 
its  cause,  another  Mackerel  stepped  up  to  him,  and 
says  he  : 

"Is  it  the  old  woman  which  is  on  a  tare  ?" 

The  married  chap  groaned,  and  says  he  : 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  277 

"  She's  mad  as  a  hornet.  I  do  believe/'  says  the 
married  chap,  turning  very  pale,  "  that  she'll  take 
away  my  night-key,  and  teach  rny  babes  to  call  me 
the  Old  File." 

"  Well,"  says  the  comforting  Mackerel,  "  then  why 
did  you  get  married  ?  Why  didn't  you  stay  a  single 
bachelor  like  me,  and  enjoy  the  pursuit  of  happiness 
in  the  Fire  Department  ?" 

"  Happiness  !"  says  the  married  chap,  "  why  it  was 
expressly  to  enjoy  happiness  that  I  wedded.  Step  this 
way,"  says  the.  married  chap,  with  a  horrible  smile, 
leading  his  consoler  aside,  "ain't  the  women  of 
America  mortal  ?" 

"  Yes,"  says  the  Mackerel  thoughtfully. 

"And  don't  they  die?" 

"  Yes,"  says  the  Mackerel.  "  That  is  to  say," 
added  the  Mackerel,  contemplatively,  "  they  some 
times  die  when  there's  new  and  expensive  tombstones 
in  fashion." 

"  Peter  Perkins  !"  says  the  married  chap,  with  a 
smile  of  wild  bliss,  "  I  wouldn't  miss  the  happiness  I 
shall  feel  when  my  angel  returns  to  her  native  hev- 
ings,  for  the  sake  of  being  twenty  bachelors.  No  !" 
says  the  married  chap,  clutching  his  bosom,  "  I've 
lived  on  the  thought  of  that  air  bliss  ever  since  the 
morning  rny  female  pardner  threw  my  box  of  long- 
sixes  out  of  the  window,  and  called  in  the  police  be 
cause  I  brought  a  waluable  terrier  home  with  me." 


278          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

Here  the  married  chap  uncorked  his  canteen  and  eyed 
it  with  speechless  fury. 

Tears  came  to  the  eyes  of  the  unwomantic  Mack 
erel  ;  he  extended  his  hand,  and  says  he  : 

"  Say  no  more,  Bobby — say  no  more.  If  you  ain't 
got  the  correck  idea  of  Heaven  there's  no  such  place 
on  the  map."  • 

I  give  you  this  touching  conversation  between  two 
of  nature's  noblemen,  my  boy,  that  you  may  appre 
ciate  that  beautiful  dispensation  of  Providence  which 
endows  woman  with  the  slighter  failings  of  humanity, 
yet  gives  her  the  power  to  brighten  the  mind  of  in 
ferior  man  with  glorious  visions  of  joy  beyond  the 
grave. 

My  arm  has  been  strengthened  in  this  war,  my 
boy,  by  the  inspiration  of  woman's  courage,  and  aided 
by  her  almost  miraculous  foresight.  Only  yesterday, 
a  fair  girl  of  forty- three  summers,  thoughtfully  sent 
me  a  box,  containing  two  gross  of  assorted  fish-hooks, 
three  cook-books,  one  dozen  of  Tubbses  best  spool- 
cotton,  three  door-plates,  a  package  of  patent  gera 
nium-roots,  two  yards  of  Brussels  carpet,  Kumford's 
illustrated  work  on  Perpetual  Intoxication,  ten  bottles 
of  furniture-polish,  and  some  wall-paper.  Accom 
panying  these  articles,  so  valuable  to  a  soldier  on  the 
march,  was  a  note,  in  which  the  kind-hearted  girl 
said  that  the  things  were  intended  for  our  sick  and 
wounded  troops,  and  were  the  voluntary  tributes  of  a 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  279 

loyal  and  dreamy-souled  woman.  I  tried  a  dose  of 
the  furniture-polish,  my  boy,  on  a  chap  that  had  the 
measles,  and  he  has  felt  so  much  like  a  sofa  ever  since, 
that  a  coroner's  jury  will  sit  on  him  to-morrow. 

The  remainder  of  this  susceptible  young  creature's 
note,  my  boy,  was  calculated  to  move  a  heart  of  stone. 
She  asked  if  it  hurt  much  to  be  killed,  and  said  she 
should  think  the  President  might  sue  Jeff  Davis,  or 
commit  habeas  corpus  or  some  other  ridiculous  thing, 
to  stop  this  dreadful,  spirit-agonizing  war.  She  said 
that  her  deepest  heart-throbs  and  dream-yearnings 
were  for  the  crimson-consecrated  Union,  and  that  she 
had  lavished  her  most  harrowing  hope-sobs  for  its 
heaven-triumph.  She  said  that  she  had  a  friend, 
named  Smith,  in  the  army,  and  wished  I  could  find 
him  out,  and  tell  him  that  the  human  heart,  though 
repining  at  the  absence  of  the  beloved  object,  may  be 
coldly  proud  as  a  scornful  statute  to  the  stranger's 
eye,  but  pines  like  a  soul-murdered  water-lily  on 
the  lovely  stream  of  its  twilight-brooding  contem 
plations. 

Anxious  to  oblige  her,  my  boy,  I  asked  the  General 
of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  if  he  knew  a  soldier  "of  the 
name  of  Smith  ?" 

The  General  thought  awhile,  and  says  he  : 

"  Not  one.  There  are  many  of  the  name  of 
Sa-mith,"  says  the  general,  screening  his  eye  from  the 
sun  with  a  bottle,  "  and  the  Smythes  are  numerous  ; 


280          OKPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

but  the  Smiths  all  died  as  soon  as  the  Prince  of  Wales 
came  to  this  country/' 

This  is  an  age  of  great  aristocracy,  my  boy,  and 
the  name  of  Smith  is  confined  to  tombstones.  I  once 
knew  a  chap  named  Hobbs,  who  made  knobs,  and 
had  a  partner  named  Dobbs  ;  and  he  never  could  get 
married  until  he  changed  his  title  ;  for  what  sensitive 
and  delicately-nerved  female  would  marry  a  man 
whose  business-card  read,  "  Try  Hobbs  &  Dobbs' 
Knobs  ?"  Finally,  he  called  himself  De  Hobbs,  and 
wedded  a  Miss  Podger — pronounced  Po-gshay.  After 
that,  he  cut  his  partner,  ordered  his  friends  to  cease 
calling  him  Jack,  and  in  compliance  with  the  wishes 
of  his  wife's  family,  got  out  a  business-card  like 
this  : 


t^  i_ 

|    J&CQUSS    DS    HOBBS, 

TRY    HIS 

DOOR-PERSUADERS. 


But,  to  return  to  the  women  of  America,  there  was 
one  of  them  came  out  to  our  camp  not  long  ago,  my 
boy,  with  six  Saratoga  trunks  full  of  moral  reading 
for  our  troops.  She  was  distributing  the  cheerful 
works  among  the  veterans,  when  she  happened  to 
to  come  across  Private  Jinks,  who  had  just  got  his 


ORPHEUS  C.    KERR   PAPERS.  281 

rations,  and  was  swearing  audibly  at  the  collection  of 
wild  beasts  he  had  found  in  one  of  his  biscuits. 

"  Young  man/'  says  she,  in  a  vinegar  manner,  "  do 
you  want  to  be  damned  ?" 

Private  Jinks  reflected  a  moment,  and  says  he  : 

"  Keally,  mem,  I  don't  know  enough  about  horses 
to  say." 

The  literary  agent  was  greatly  shocked,  but  recov 
ered  in  time  to  hand  the  warrior  a  small  book,  and 
told  him  to  read  it  and  be  saved. 

It  was  a  small  and  enlivening  volume,  my  boy, 
written  by  a  missionary  lately  served  up  for  breakfast 
by  the  Emperor  of  Glorygoolia,  and  entitled  "  The 
Fire  that  Never  is  Quenched/' 

Jinks  looked  at  the  book,  and  says  he  : 

"  What  district  is  that  fire  in  ?" 

The  daughter  of  the  Kepublic  bit  off  a  small  piece 
of  cough  candy,  and  says  she  : 

"  It's  down  below,  young  man,  where  you  bid  fair 
to  go." 

"  And  will  it  never  be  put  out  ?"  says  Private 
Jinks. 

The  deeply-affected  crinoline  shook  her  head  until 
all  her  combs  rattled,  and  says  she  : 

"  No,  young  man  ;  it  will  burn,  and  burn,  young 
man." 

"  Then  I'm  safe  enough  !"  says  Private  Jinks, 
slapping  his  knee  ;  "  for  I'm  a  member  of  Forty 


282  ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

Hose,  and  if  that  air  fire  is  to  keep  burning,  they'll 
have  to  have  a  paid  Fire  Department  down  there, 
and  shut  us  fellows  out." 

The  daughter  of  the  Kepublic  instantly  left  him, 
my  boy  ;  and  when  next  I  saw  her,  she  was  arguing 
with  one  of  the  chaplains,  who  pretended  to  believe 
that  firemen  sometimes  went  to  Heaven. 

Woman,  my  boy,  is  an  angel  in  disguise  ;  and  if 
she  had  wings  what  a  rise  there  would  be  in  bonnets  ! 
Yours,  for  the  next  Philharmonic, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XLI. 

CITING   A   NOTABLE    CASE    OP    VOLUNTEER    SURGERY,    AND    CITING  AN 
OUTLINE   SKETCH   OP    "  COTTON   SEMINARY." 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  April  25th,  1862. 

THERE  is  a  certain  something  about  a  sick-room, 
my  boy,  that  makes  me  think  seriously  of  my  latter 
end,  and  recognize  physicians  as  true  heroes  of  the 
bottle-field.  The  subdued  swearing  of  the  sufferer 
on  his  bed,  the  muffled  tread  of  the  venerable  nurse, 
as  she  comes  into  the  room  to  make  sure  that  the 
brandy  recommended  by  the  doctor  is  not  too  mild 
for  the  patient,  the  sepulchral  shout  of  the  regimental 
cat  as  she  recognizes  the  tread  of  Jacob  Barker,  the 
sergeant's  bull-terrier,  outside  ;  all  these  are  things 
to  make  the  spectator  remember  that  we  are  but  dust, 
and  that  to  return  to  dust  is  our  dustiny. 

Early  in  the  week,  my  boy,  a  noble  member  of  the 
Pennsylvania  Mud-larks  was  made  sick  in  a  strange 
manner.  A  draft  of  picked  men  from  certain  regi 
ments  was  ordered  for  a  perilous  expedition  down  the 
river.  You  may  be  aware,  my  boy,  that  a  draft  is 
always  dangerous  to  delicate  constitutions  ;  and,  as 
the  Mud-lark  happened  to  burst  into  a  profuse  per- 


284  ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

spiration  about  tlie  time  he  found  himself  standing  in 
this  draft,  he,  of  course,  took  such  a  violent  cold  that 
he  had  to  he  put  to  bed  directly.  I  went  to  see  him, 
nay  boy  ;  and  whilst  he  was  relating  to  me  some  af 
fecting  anecdotes  of  the  time  when  he  used  to  keep  a 
bar,  a  member  of  the  Medical  Staff  of  the  United 
States  of  America  came  in  to  see  the  patient. 

This  venerable  surgeon  first  deposited  a  large  saw, 
a  hatchet,  and  two  pick-axes  on  the  table,  and  then 
says  he  : 

"  How  do  you  find  yourself,  boy  ?" 

The  mud-lark  took  a  small  chew  of  tobacco  with  a 
melancholy  air,  and  says  he  : 

"  I  think  I've  got  the  guitar  in  my  head,  Mr.  Saw 
bones,  and  am  about  to  join  the  angel  choir/' 

"I  see  how  it  is/'  says  the  surgeon,  thoughtfully  ; 
"  you  think  you've  got  the  guitar,  when  it's  only  the 
drum  of  your  ear  that  is  affected.  Well,"  says  the 
surgeon,  with  sudden  pleasantness,  as  he  reached  after 
his  saw  and  one  of  the  pick-axes,  "  I  must  amputate 
your  left  leg  at  once." 

The  mud-lark  curled  himself  up  in  bed  like  a 
wounded  anaconda,  and  says  he  : 

"  I  don't  see  it  in  that  light." 

"  Well,"  says  the  surgeon,  in  a  sprightly  manner, 
"  then  suppose  I  put  a  fly-blister  on  your  stomick, 
and  only  amputate  your  right  arm  ?" 

The  surgeon  was  formerly  a  blacksmith,  my  boy, 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

and  got  his  diploma  by  inventing  some  pills  with  iron 
in  them.  He  proved  that  the  blood  of  six  healthy 
men  contained  enough  iron  to  make  six  horse-shoes, 
and  then  invented  the  pills  to  cure  hoarseness.  • 

The  sick  chap  reflected  on  what  his  medical  adviser 
had  said,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  Your  words  convince  me  that  my  situation  must 
be  dangerous.  I  must  see  some  relative  before  I  per 
mit  myself  to  be  dissected." 

"  Whom  would  you  wish  me  to  send  for  ?"  says  the 
surgeon. 

"  My  grandmother,  my  dear  old  grandmother,"  said 
the  Mud-lark,  with  much  feeling. 

The  surgeon  took  me  cautiously  aside,  and  says 
he: 

"  My  poor  patient  has  a  cold  in  his  head,  and  his 
life  depends,  perhaps,  on  the  gratification  of  his 
wishes.  You  have  heard  him  ask  for  his  grand 
mother,''  says  the  surgeon,  softly,  "and  as  his  grand 
mother  lives  too  far  away  to  be  sent  for,  we  must 
practice  a  little  harmless  deception.  We  must  send 
for  Secretary  Welles  of  the  Navy  Department,  and 
introduce  him  as  the  grandmother.  My  patient  will 
never  know  the  difference." 

I  took  the  hint,  my  boy,  and  went  after  the  Secre 
tary  ;  but  the  latter  was  so  busy  examining  a  model 
of  Noah's  Ark  that  he  could  not  be  seen.  Happily, 
however,  the  patient  recovered  while  the  surgeon  was 


286          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

getting  his  saw  filed,  and  was  well  enough  last  night 
to  reconnoitre  in  force. 

The  Mackerel  Brigade  being  still  in  quarters  before 
Yorktown,  I  am  at  leisure  to  stroll  about  the  South 
ern  Confederacy,  my  boy  ;  and  on  Thursday  I  paid  a 
•visit  to  Cotton  Seminary,  just  beyond  Alexandria, 
where  the  Southern  intellect  is  taught  to  fructify  and 
expand.  This  celebrated  institution  of  learning  is  all 
on  one  floor,  with  a  large  chimney  and  heavy  mortgage 
upon  it,  and  a  number  of  windows  supplied  with 
ground  glass — or,  rather,  supplied  with  a  certain 
openness  as  regards  the  ground. 

Upon  entering  this  majestic  edifice,  the  master, 
Prex  Peyton,  descended  at  once  from  the  barrel  on 
which  he  was  seated,  and  gave  me  a  true  Virginian 
welcome  : 

"  Though  you  may  be  a  Lincoln  horde,"  says  he,  in 
a  manorial  manner,  "  the  republic  of  intellect  recog 
nizes  you  only  as  a  man.  The  Southern  mind  knows 
how  to  recognize  a  soul  apart  from  its  outer  circum 
stances  ;  for  what  say  the  logicians  ?  Deus  est  anima 
brutorem!  Take  a  seat  on  yonder  barrel,  friend 
Hessian,  and  you  shall  hear  the  wisdom  of  the  youth 
ful  minds.  First  class  in  computation  stand  up/' 

As  I  took  a  seat,  my  boy,  the  first  class  in  compu 
tation  came  to  the  front ;  and  it  is  my  private  impres 
sion,  my  boy — my  private  impression — that  each 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  287 

child's  father  was  the  owner  of  a  rag  plantation  at 
some  period  of  his  life. 

"  Boys/'  says  the  master,  "  how  is  the  table  of 
Confederate  money  divided  ?" 

"  Into  pounds,  shillings,  and  pence." 

"  Right.     Now,  Master  Mason,  repeat  the  table." 

Master  Mason,  who  was  a  germ  of  a  first  family, 
took  his  fingers  out  of  his  mouth,  and  says  he  : 

"  Twenty  pounds  of  Confederate  bonds  make  one 
shilling,  twenty  shillings  make  one  penny,  six  pennies 
one  drink." 

"  That's  right,  my  pretty  little  cherubs.,"  says  the 
master.  "  Now  go  and  take  your  seats,  and  study 
your  bowie-knife  exercises.  Class  in  Geography, 
stand  up." 

The  class  in  geography  consisted  of  one  small 
Southern  Confederacy,  my  boy,  with  a  taste  for 
tobacco. 

"  Master  Wise,"  says  the  master,  confidently,  "  can 
you  tell  us  where  Africa  is  ?" 

Master  Wise  sniffed  intelligently,  and  says  he  : 

"  Africa  is  situated  at  the  corner  of  Spruce  and 
Nassau  streets,  and  is  bounded  on  the  north  by 
Greeley,  on  the  south  by  Slavery,  on  the  east  by 
Sumncr,  and  on  the  west  by  Lovejoy." 

"  Very  true,  my  bright  little  fellow,"  says  the  mas 
ter  ;  "  now  go  back  to  your  chawing." 

"  You  see,  friend  Hessian,"  says  the  master,  turn- 


288  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

ing  to  me,  "  how  much  superior  Southerners  are,  even 
as  children,  to  the  depraved  Yankees.  In  my  teach 
ing  experience,  I  have  known  scholars  only  six  years 
old  to  play  poker  like  old  members  of  the  church, 
and  a  pupil  of  mine  euchred  me  once  in  ten 
minutes/' 

I  thanked  him  for  his  courtesy,  and  was  proceed 
ing  to  the  door,  when  I  observed  four  boys  in  one 
corner,  with  their  mouths  so  distorted  that  they 
seemed  to  have  subsisted  upon  a  diet  of  persimmons 
all  their  lives. 

"  Venerable  pundit,"  says  I,  in  astonishment,  "how 
came  the  faces  of  those  offspring  so  deformed  ?" 

"  0  !"  says  the  master,  complacently,  "  that  class 
has  been  studying  Carlyle's  works." 

I  retired  from  Cotton  Seminary,  my  boy,  with  a 
firm  conviction  of  the  utility  of  popular  education, 
and  a  hope  that  the  day  might  come  when  a  Profes 
sorship  of  Old  Sledge  would  be  created  in  the  New 
York  University. 

Yours,  for  a  higher  civilization, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XLII. 

REVEALING  A  NEW  BLOCKADING  IDEA,  INTRODUCING  A  GEOMETRICAL 
STEED,  AND  NARRATING  THE  WONDERFUL  EXPLOITS.  OF  THE  MACK 
EREL  SHARPSHOOTER  AT  YORKTOWN. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  May  2d,  1862. 

SPEAKING  of  the  patriarch  of  the  Navy  Depart 
ment,  my  boy,  they  say  that  the  respected  Ancient 
has  under  consideration  a  new  and  admirable  plan  for 
making  the  blockade  efficient.  The  idea  is,  to  furnish 
all  the  naval  captains  with  spectacles  made  of  look 
ing-glass,  so  that  when  they  are  asleep,  on  the  quarter 
deck,  their  glasses  will  reflect  the  figure  of  any  rebel 
craft  that  may  be  trying  to  slip  by.  •  These  specta 
cles  could  all  be  ready  in  twenty  years  ;  and  when 
the  Secretary  told  a  Congressman  of  the  plan,  the 
latter  thought  carefully  over  the  suggestion,  "as 
dripping  with  coolness  it  rose  from  the  Welles,"  and 
says  he  : 

"  My  dear  madam,  the  idea  lacks  but  one  thing — 
the  looking-glass  spectacles  ought  to  be  supplied  with 
a  comb  and  brush,  so  that  the  captain  could  fix  him 
self  up  after  capturing  the  pirate.  Ah,  madam,"  says 
the  Congressman,  hastily  picking  up  the  Jack  of 

13 


290  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

Clubs,  which  ho  had  accidentally  pulled  out  with  his 
pocket-handkerchief,  "  you  will  rank  next  to  Mary, 
the  mother  of  Washington,  in  the  affections  of  future 
generations." 

The  mother  of  Washington,  my  boy  ! — the  MOTHER 
of  Washington  ! — why,  the  Secretary  is  already  cele 
brated  as  the  grandmother  of  Washington — city. 

On  the  occasion  of  my  last  visit  to  Yorktown,  my 
boy,  I  found  the  Mackerel  Brigade  so  well  up  in  ani 
mal  spirits  that  each  chap  was  equal  to  a  pony  of 
brandy,  and  capable  of  capturing  any  amount  of  glass 
artillery.  At  the  present  time,  my  boy,  the  brigade 
is  formed  in  the  shape  of  a  clam-shell,  with  the  right 
resting  on  a  beer  wagon,  and  the  left  on  a  traveling 
free-lunch  saloon.  I  was  examining  the  new  battery 
of  the  Orange  County  Howitzers — whose  guns  have 
such  large  touch-holes  that  the  chaps  keep  their 
crackers  and  cheese  in  them  when  not  in  action — and 
was  also  overhearing  the  remarks  of  a  melancholy 
Mackerel  concerning  what  he  wished  to  be  done  with 
his  effects  in  case  he  should  perish  with  old  age  be 
fore  the  battle  commenced — when  I  beheld  Captain 
Villiam  Brown,  approaching  me  on  the  most  geo 
metrical  beast  I  ever  saw — an  animal  even  richer  in 
sharp  corners,  my  boy,  than  my  own  gothic  steed, 
Pegasus. 

"  Ha  \"  says  Villiam,  hastily  swallowing  something 
that  brought  tears  to  his  eyes,  and  taking  a  bit  of 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  291 

lemon-peel  to  clear  his  voice,  "  you  are  admiring  my 
Arabian  courser,  and  wondering  whether  it  is  one  of 
the  three  presented  to  Secretary  Seward  by  the  Empe 
ror  of  Egypt." 

"  You  speak  truly,  my  Bayard,"  says  I  ;  "  that 
superb  piece  of  horseflesh  looks  like  the  original  plan 
of  the  city  of  Boston — there's  so  many  bisecting 
angles  about  him/' 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  with  an  agreeable  smile,  "  in 
the  words  of  the  anthem  of  childhood — 

"  '  The  angles  told  mo  so.'  " 

Villiam's  idea  of  angels,  my  boy,  constitutes  a 
theory  of  theology  in  itself. 

"  What  call  you  the  charger  ?"  says  I. 

"  Euclid,"  says  Villiam,  pausing  for  a  moment,  to 
catch  the  gurgle  of  a  canteen  just  reversed.  "  Ah  !" 
says  Villiam,  recovering  his  presence  of  mind,  "  this 
here  marvel  of  natural  history  is  a  guaranteed  2.40." 

"  No  !"  says  I. 

"  Yes,"  says  Villiam,  calculatingly.  "  this  superb 
animal  is  a  sure  2.40 — he  cost  me  just  Two  dollars 
and  Forty  cents.  But  come  with  me,"  said  Villiam, 
proudly,  "  and  see  the  sharp-shooter  contingent  I 
have  just  organized  to  aid  in  the  suppression  of  this 
here  unnatural  rebellion." 

I  followed  the  splendidly-mounted  warrior,  my  boy, 
to  a  spot  not  far  from  the  nearest  point  of  the  enemy's 


292          ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

lines,  where  I  found  a  lengthy  Western  chap  polish 
ing  a  rifle  with  a  powerful  telescope  on  the  end  of  it. 
He  had  just  been  organized,  and  was  preparing  to 
make  some  carnage. 

"  Now  then,  Ajack/'  said  Villiam,  classically,  "  let 
us  see  you  pick  off  that  Confederacy  over  there, 
which  looks  like  a  mere  fly  at  this  distance." 

The  sinewy  sharpshooter  sprang  to  his  feet,  called 
a  drummer-boy  to  hold  his  chew  of  tobacco,  looked 
at  the  rebel  gunner  through  his  telescope,  shut  up  the 
telescope,  took  aim  with  both  eyes  shut,  turned  away 
his  head,  and  fired  ! 

I  must  say,  my  boy,  that  I  at  first  thought  the 
Confederacy  was  not  hit  at  all,  inasmuch  as  he  only 
scratched  one  of  his  legs  and  squinted  along  his  gun  ; 
but  Villiam  soon  showed  me  how  exquisitely  accu 
rate  the  sharpshooter's  aim  had  been. 

"  The  bullet  struck  him/'  says  Villiam,  confident 
ly,  "  and  would  have  reached  his  heart,  but  for  the 
Bible  given  him  by  his  mother  when  he  left  home, 
which  arrested  its  fatal  progress.  Let  us  hope/'  says 
Villiam,  seriously,  "  that  he  will  henceforth  search 
the  Scriptures,  and  be  a  dutiful  son." 

I  felt  the  tears  spring  to  my  eyes,  for  I  once  had  a 
mother  myself.  I  couldn't  help  it,  my  boy — I 
couldn't  help  it. 

The  second  shot  of  the  unerring  rifleman  was 
aimed  at  a  hapless  contraband,  who  had  been  sent 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  293 

out  to  the  end  of  a  gun  by  the  enemy,  to  see  that 
the  ball  did  not  roll  out  before  the  gunner  had  time 
to  pull  the  trigger.  Crack  !  went  the  deadly  weapon 
of  the  sharpshooter,  and  down  went  the  unhappy 
African — to  his  dinner. 

"Ah!"  says  Villiam,  skeptically,  "do  you  think 
you  hit  him,  Ajack  ?" 

"  Truelie,  stranger,"  responded  the  unmoved 
marksman,  sententiously.  "  He  will  die  at  twenty 
minutes  past  three  this  afternoon." 

Sick  of  this  dreadful  slaughter,  my  boy,  I  turned 
from  the  spot  with  Yilliam,  and  presently  overtook 
the  general  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  who  was  seated 
on  a  fence  by  the  roadside,  trying  to  knock  the  cork 
out  of  a  bottle  with  a  piece  of  rock.  We  saluted, 
and  went  on  to  the  camp. 

Shaq)shooters,  my  boy,  are  a  source  of  much  pain 
to  hostile  gunners,  and  if  one  of  them  should  happen 
to  put  a  bullet  through  the  head  of  navigation,  it 
would  certainly  cause  the  tide  to  fall. 

Yours,  take-aimiably, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   XIIII. 

CONCERNING  MARTIAL  LITERATURE:  INTRODUCING-  A  DIDACTIC  POEM 
BY  THE  "ARKANSAW  TRACT  SOCIETY,"  AND  A  BIOGRAPHY  OF 
GARIBALDI  FOR  THE  SOLDIER. 

WASHING-FOX,  D.  C.,May  7th,  1S62. 

SOUTHERN  religious  literature,  my  boy,  is  admir 
ably  calculated  to  improve  the  morals  of  race-courses, 
and  render  dog-fights  the  instruments  of  wholesoine 
spiritual  culture. 

On  the  person  of  a  high-minded  Southern  Confed 
eracy  captured  the  other  day  by  the  Mackerel  pickets, 
I  found  a  moral  work  which  had  been  issued  by  the 
Arkansaw  Tract  Society  for  the  diffusion  of  religious 
thoughts  in  the  camp,  and  was  much  improved  by 
reading  it.  The  pure-minded  Arkansaw  chap  who 
got  it  up,  my  boy,  remarked  in  pallid  print,  that 
every  man  "  should  extract  a  wholesome  moral  from 
everything  whatsomedever,"  and  then  went  on  to  say 
that  there  was  an  excellent  moral  in  the  beautiful 
Arkansaw  nursery  tale  of 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.          295 


THE  BEWITCHED  TARRIER. 

Sam  Johnson  was  a  cullud  man, 

Who  lived  down  in  Judce; 
lie  owned  a  rat  tan  tarrier 

That  stood  'bout  one  foot  three; 
And  the  way  that  critter  chawed  up  rats 

Was  g-orjus  for  to  see. 

One  day  this  dorg  was  slumberin' 

Behind  the  kitchen  stove, 
When  suddenly  a  wicked  flea — 

An  ugly  little  cove — 
.Commenced  upon  his  faithful  back 

With  many  jumps  to  rove. 

Then  up  arose  that  tarrier, 

With  frenzy  in  his  eye, 
And  waitin'  only  long  enough 

To  make  a  touchin'  cry, 
Commenced  to  twist  his  head  around, 

Most  wonderfully  spry. 

But  all  in  vain ;    his  shape  was  sich, 

So  awful  short  and  fat — 
And  though  he  doubled  up  hissel£ 

And  strained  hisself  at  that, 
His  mouth  was  half  an  inch  away 

From  where  the  varmint  sat. 

The  dorg  sat  up  an  awful  yowl 

And  twisted  like  an  eel, 
Emitting  cries  of  misery 

At  ev'ry  nip  he'd  feel, 
And  tumblin'  down  and  jumpin'  up, 

And  turnin'  like  a  wheel. 


296          ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS. 

But  still  that  most  owdacious  flea 
Kept  up  a  constant  chaw 

Just  where  he  couldn't  be  scratched  out 
By  any  reach  of  paw. 

But  always  half  an  inch  beyond 
His  wictim's  snappin'  jaw. 

Sam  Johnson  heard  the  noise,  and  came 

To  save  his  animile ; 
But  when  he  see  the  crittur  spin — 

A  barkin'  all  the  while — 
He  dreaded  hiderfobia, 

And  then  began  to  rile. 

"The  pup  is  mad  enough,"  says  he, 

And  luggin'  in  his  axe, 
He  gev  the  wretched  tarrier 

A  pair  of  awful  cracks, 
That  stretched  him  out  upon  the  floor, 

As  dead  as  carpet-tacks. 

MORAL. 

Take  warnin'  by  this  tarrier, 
Now  turned  to  sassidge  meat; 

And  when  misfortin's  flea  shall  come 
Upon  your  back  to  eat,  . 

Beware,  or  you  may  die  because 
You  can't  make  both  ends  meet. 


The  Arkansaw  Tract  Society  put  a  note  at  the 
bottom  of  this  moral  lyric,  my  boy,  stating  that  the 
"wicked  flea  here  mentioned  is  the  same  varmint 
which  is  mentioned  in  Scripture  as  being  so  bold  ; 
'  the  wicked  flea,  when  no  man  pursueth  but  the 
righteous,  is  as  bold  as  a  lion/  ': 

Speaking  of  literature,  my  boy,  I  am  happy  to  say 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERH    PAPERS.  297 

that  the  members  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  have  been 
inspired  to  emulate  great  examples  by  the  biographies 
of  great  soldiers  which  have  been  sent  to  the  camp  for 
their  reading  by  the  thoughtful  women  of  America. 
For  instance,  here  we  have  the 

LIFE    OF    GENERAL    GARIBALDI. 

BY    THE    NOBLEST    RUM    'UN    OF    THE    MALL. 


CHAPTER    I. 

HIS   BIRTH. 

At  that  period  of  the  world's  history  when  the  Past 
immediately  preceded  the  Present,  and  the  Future  was 
yet  to  come,  there  existed  in  a  small  town  of  which 
the  houses  formed  a  part,  a  rich  but  respectable  couple. 
Owing  to  a  combination  of  circumstances,  their  first 
son  was  a  boy  of  the  male  gender,  who  inherited  the 
name  of  his  parents  from  the  moment  of  his  birth, 
and  who  is  the  subject  of  our  story.  When  he  was 
about  five  hours  old,  his  male  parent  said  to  him : 

"  My  boy,  do  you  know  me  ?" 

In  an  instant  the  eyes  of  the  child  flashed  Jersey 
lightning,  he  ceased  sucking  his  little  fistesses,  his 
hair  would  have  stood  on  end  if  there  had  been  any 
on  his  head,  and  he  exclaimed  in  tones  of  thunder-r-r : 

"  Viva  Liberte  et  Maccaroni!" 

Mr.  Garibaldi  instantly  clasped  the  little  cherubim 
13* 


298          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

to  his  stomach,  while  Mrs.  Garibaldi  waved  the  tri- 
colored  flag  above  them  both,  and  requested  the  cham 
bermaid  to  bring  her  a  little  more  of  that  same  burn 
ing-fluid,  with  plenty  of  sugar  in  it. 

Thus  was  Garibaldi  ushered  into  the  world  ;  and 
the  burning  fluid  is  for  sale  by  all  respectable  drug 
gists  and  grocers  throughout  the  country,  with  S.  0.  P. 
on  the  wrapper. 

CHAPTER   II. 

HIS     EDUCATION. 

On  arriving  at  years  of  indiscretion,  our  hero  began 
to  display  a  tendency  to  "  seven-up,"  Old  Sledge,  and 
other  card-inal  virtues,  calculated  to  fit  him  for  play 
ing  his  cards  right  in  future  years.  Just  about  this 
time,  too,  his  parents  resolved  to  send  him  to  school, 
and  it  is  as  the  young  scholar  we  must  now  regard 
him. 

Behold  him,  then,  at  his  tasks,  in  a  red  shirt  am 
putated  at  the  neck,  and  two  yellow  patches  (the 
badge  of  Sardinia)  flaming  from  the  background  of 
his  seat  of  learning.  He  readily  mastered  the  Greek 
verbs  and  roots,  comprehended  liquorice  root,  studied 
geography,  etymology,  sycorax,  and  mahogany ;  could 
decline  to  conjugate  the  verb  toby,  and  quickly  knew 
enough  about,  algebra  to  prove  that  X  plus  Y,  not 
being  equal  to  Z,  is  minus  any  dinner  at  noon,  and 
plus  one  of  the  tightest  applications  of  birch  that 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  299 

ever  produced  the  illusion  of  a  red-hot  stove  in  im 
mediate  tontact  with  the  human  body. 

CHAPTER   III. 

GARIBALDI   GOES   TO   SEA. 

Just  before  the  breaking-out  of  the  rebellion  at 
Rome,  the  trade  in  garlic  and  domestic  fleas  took  a 
sudden  start,  and  the  Po  was  crowded  with  vessels 
of  all  nations — especially  the  halluci-nations.  One 
day,  young  Garibaldi  was  in  the  act  of  stabbing  a 
ban-el  of  molasses  to  the  heart  with  a  quill,  on  Pier 
4,  P.  R.  (Po  River),  when  he  was  descried  by  the 
captain  of  a  fishing-smack,  detailed  by  Government 
to  watch  the  motions  of  the  English  fleet. 

"Boy,  ahoy  !"  says  the  Captain. 

The  future  liberator  of  Italy  dropped  his  murder 
ous  quill,  wiped  his  nose  with  a  pine  shaving,  and 
answered,  in  trumpet-tones  : 

"  You're  another  !" 

So  delighted  was  the  captain  with  this  noble  reply, 
that  he  flogged  the  whole  starboard  watch  at  the  gun 
wales,  ordered  a  preventer  backstay  on  the  kedge-an- 
chor,  leaped  ashore  to  where  Garibaldi  was  standing, 
and  offered  to  make  him  familiar  with  the  seas,  and  a 
second  Caesar.  Garibaldi  replied  that  he  had  already 
been  half-seas  over,  but  would  not  object  to  another 
cruise.  He  said  he  had  traveled  half-seas  over,  "  on 
his  face/'  and  would  now  travel  the  other  half  on  a 


300          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

vessel.  He  went.  The  vessel  proved  to  be  a  vessel 
of  wrath,  and  Garibaldi  became  so  familiar  with  the 
eat-o-nine-tails,  that  he  soon  mused  upon  a  plan  for 
deserting  the  ship. 

CHAPTER   IV 

HE   FIGHTS  FOR  ROME. 

All  seas  are  liable  to  commotions,  hence  it  is  not 
strange  that  the  Holy  See  encountered  a  storm  about 
the  time  that  it  occurred.  For  some  weeks,  certain 
pure  spirits  had  been  fomenting  the  small  beer  of  civil 
war,  and  in  spite  of  vaticanation,  it  broke  out  at  last, 
and  was  a  rash  proceeding.  Garibaldi  was  sent  for 
by  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  to  lead  the  insurrectionary 
forces,  while  the  liberty  of  the  goddess  was  endangered 
by  the  leadership  of  the  commander  of  the  French 
troops  aiding  the  Pope.  Our  hero  had  but  a  handful 
of  patriots  on  hand  and  on  foot  to  fight  with  him  ;  but 
he  determined  to  struggle  to  the  last  and  perish  in  the 
attempt,  even  though  he  should  lose  his  life  by  it.  The 
Frenchman  had  an  immense  array  of  tried  soldiers  on 
the  qui  vive  and  on  horseback  ;  but  Garibaldi  was  not 
dismayed,  and  kept  his  courage  up  to  the  "  sticking" 
point  by  hoping  for  aid.  Alas  !  the  only  aid  they  re 
ceived  was  lemonade  and  cannonade — but  not  a  brig 
ade.  They  fought  with  the  French,  and  were  whipped 
like  blazes.  Hinc  ilia  slacryma  ! 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  301 


CHAPTER    V. 

GARIBALDI    IN   AMERICA. 


After  wandering  about  Italy  as  an  exile  for  some 
months,  the  bold  patriot  came  to  America  and  opened 
a  cigar  shop.  The  writer  remembers  entering  his  shop 
one  day  to  purchase  a  genuine  meerschaum,  and  dis 
covering,  afterwards,  that  it  was  made  of  plaster  of 
Paris,  and  smelt— when  heated — like  ancient  sour- 
krout  flavored  with  lamp-oil.  Garibaldi  also  sold  the 
finest  Habana  cigars  ever  made  on  Staten  Island, 
one  brand  of  which  was  so  strong  in  its  integrity  that 
it  once  defeated  dishonesty,  thus  : 

One  night,  while  Garibaldi  was  praying  for  his  be 
loved  Italy,  at  the  house  of  a  friend,  a  burglar  broke 
into  his  store,  with  the  intention  of  robbing  it.  The 
scoundrel  broke  open  the  till,  took  out  all  the  city 
money  (he  refused  to  take  anything  but  current 
funds),  and  then  broke  open  a  box  of  the  cigars  strong 
in  their  integrity,  intending  to  have  a  quiet  smoke 
before  he  left.  Alas  !  for  him. 

When  Garibaldi  opened  the  store  in  the  morning, 
he  found  the  burglar  laying  on  his  back,  with  a  cigar 
in  his  mouth,  and  too  iveak  to  move!  In  the  attempt 
to  smoke  the  cigar,  he  had  drawn  his  back  bone  clear 
through  until  it  caught  on  his  breast  bone,  and  the 
back  of  his  head  was  just  breaking  through  the  roof 
of  his  mouth,  when  the  patriot  found  him.  He  was 


302  ORPHEUS   C.  KERR   PAPERS. 

taken  to  the  police-office,  and  discharged  by  the  first 
alderman  that  came  along.     Such  is  life  ! 

When  the  Emperor  of  France  commenced  his  war 
with  Austria,  Garibaldi  suddenly  appeared  at  one  of 
the  elbows  of  the  Mincio,  and  having  passed  around 
the  Great  Quadrilateral,  headed  a  select  body  of  Al 
pine  shepherds,  and  charged  the  Austrians  more  than 
they  could  pay.  All  the  world  knows  how  that  war 
ended.  The  emperors  of  France  and  Austria  signed 
a  treaty  by  which  each  was  compelled  to  go  back  to 
his  own  country,  tell  his  subjects  that  it  was  "  all 
right/'  and  set  all  the  wise  men  of  the  nation  to 
discover  what  he  had  been  righting  about.  Sardinia 
was  not  asked  to  give  an  opinion.  About  this  time 
Garibaldi  was  left  out  in  the  cold. 

CHAPTER   VI. 

OUR    HERO     IN    SICILY. 

As  we  look  abroad  upon  the  vast  nations  of  the 
earth,  and  remember  that  if  they  were  all  destroyed, 
not  one  of  them  would  be  left,  the  mind  involuntarily 
conceives  an  idea,  and  becomes  conscious  of  the  preg 
nant  fact,  that  "  what  is  to  be  will  be,  as  what  has 
been,  was."  So  when  we  look  upon  families,  the 
thought  forces  itself  upon  us  that  if  there  were  no 
births  there  would  be  no  children  :  without  fathers 
there  could  be  no  mothers  ;  and  if  the  entire  house 
hold  should  be  swept  away  by  disease,  they  would 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  303 

cease  to  live.  So  it  is  also,  when  we  look  upon  an 
individual.  Our  intellect  tells  us  that  if  he  dies  in 
infancy  he  will  not  live  to  be  a  man  ;  and  if  he  never 
does  anything,  he  will  surely  do  nothing. 

This  metaphysical  line  of  thought  is  particularly 
natural  in  the  case  of  Garibaldi.  Look  at  him  as  he 
now  stands,  with  one  foot  on  Sicily  and  the  other  in 
a  boot.  Had  he  not  been  educated,  he  would  have 
been  uneducated  ;  had  he  not  gone  to  sea  he  would 
never  have  been  a  sailor  ;  had  he  not  fought  for 
Rome,  he  would  have  laid  down  arms  in  her  cause  ; 
were  he  not  now  fighting  for  Italian  independence,  he 
would  be  otherwise  engaged  ! 

Thus  the  aspect  presented  by  Garibaldi  throughout 
his  career,  leads  our  thoughts  into  all  the  deep  mean- 
derings  of  the  German  mind,  and  teaches  us  to  per 
ceive  that  "  whatever  is,  is  right,"  as  whatever  is  not, 
is  wrong. 

Enraged  at  the  impotent  conclusion  of  the  French- 
and-Austrian  war,  Garibaldi  determined  to  prosecute 
hostilities  on  his  own  individual  curve.  In  conse 
quence  of  the  high  price  of  ferriage  on  the  Mincio,  he 
moved  down  toward  Palermo,  and  there  called  to  his 
standard  all  Italians  favorable  to  the  immediate 
emancipation  of  Sicily  and  the  removal  of  ajl  duties 
on  Maccaroni.  Immediately  the  wildest  enthusiasm 
raged  among  the  friends  of  freedom.  Six  patriots 
attacked  the  fortress  of  Messalina,  and  were  immedi- 


304  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

ately  placed  in  prison,  with  chains  around  their  necks, 
and  Tapper's  poems  in  their  pockets. 

By  degrees,  Garibaldi  made  ready  to  capture 
Palermo  ;  he  laid  in  a  stock  of  cannon  and  woolen 
stockings,  he  harangued  his  warriors,  and  told  them 
the  day  was  theirs  if  they  won  it  ;  he  invited  all  the 
reporters  to  a  banquet.  Then  he  went  and  took 
Palermo. 

How  did  he  take  it  ? 

I  know  not  ;  there  are  more  things  in  heaven  and 
earth  than  arc  dreamed  of  in  ordinary  philosophy  : 
all  I  know  is,  that  he  took  Palermo. 

Having  brought  my  history  down  to  this  point,  I 
deem  it  proper  to  pause  in  my  task  until  the  future 
shall  have  revealed  what  takes  place  hereafter  ;  and 
the  past  shall  have  ceased  to  interfere  so  outrageously 
with  the  present,  that  its  limits  can  only  be  distin 
guished  through  the  bottom  of  a  tumbler.  Liberty  is 
the  normal  condition  of  the  Italian,  and  while  Gari 
baldi  leads,  the  cry  will  be  :  "Liberty  or  death,  with 
a  preference  for  the  former."  Already  the  day-star  of 
freedom  gilds  the  horizon  of  beautiful  Naples,  and  if 
it  should  not  happen  to  be  proved  a  comet  by  some 
evil-minded  astronomer,  Italy  may  yet  be  as  free  as 
New  York  itself,  and  pay  a  war-tax  of  not  more  than 
some  millions  a  year. 

This  finely-written  life  of  the  great  Italian  patriot 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB    PAPERS.  305 

had  such  an  effect  upon  the  Mackerels,  my  boy,  that 
they  all  wished  to  live  like  Garibaldi — hence,  they 
are  in  no  hurry  to  die  for  their  country. 

Lives  of  great  men  all  remind  us,  my  boy,  that  we 
may  make  our  lives  sublime  ;  but  I  never  read  one 
yet,  that  gave  instructions  for  making  our  deaths 
sublime — to  ourselves. 

Yours,  for  continued  respiration, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XLIV. 

SHOWING  HOW  THE  GREAT  BATTLE  OF  PARIS  WAS  FOUGHT  AND  WON 
BY  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE,  AIDED  AND  ABETTED  BY  THE  IRON- 
PLATED  FLEET  OF  COMMODORE  HEAD. 

WASHINGION,  D.  C.,  May  10th,  1862. 

I  HAVE  just  returned,  my  boy,  from  witnessing  one 
of  the  most  tremendous  battles  of  modern  times,  and 
shall  see  star-spangled  banners  in  every  sunset  for 
six  months  to  come. 

Hearing  that  the  Southern  Confederacy  had  evacu 
ated  Yorktown,  for  the  reason  that  the  Last  Ditch  had 
moved  on  the  first  of  May  to  a  place  where  there 
would  be  less  rent  from  our  cannon,  I  started  early 
in  the  week  for  the  quarters  of  the  valorous  and  san 
guinary  Mackerel  Brigade,  expecting  that  it  had  gone 
toward  Kichmond  for  life,  liberty,  and  the  pursuit  of 
happiness. 

On  reaching  the  Peninsula,  however,  I  learned  that 
the  Mackerel  "  corpse  darnmee"  had  been  left  behind 
to  capture  the  city  of  Paris  in  co-operation  with  a 
squadron. 

Reaching  the  stamping-ground,  my  boy,  I  beheld 
a  .scene  at  once  unique  and  impressive.  Each  indi- 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR    PAPERS.  307 

vidual  Mackerel  was  seated  on  the  ground,  with  a 
sheet  of  paper  across  his  knees  and  an  ink-bottle  be 
side  him,  writing  like  an  inspired  poet. 

I  approached  Captain  Villiam  Brown,  who  was 
covering  some  bare  spots  on  his  geometrical  steed 
Euclid,  with  pieces  scissored  out  of  an  old  hair-trunk, 
and  says  I  : 

"  Tell  me,  my  noble  Hector,  what  means  this 
literary  scene  which  mine  eyes  behold  ?" 

"  Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  setting  down  his  glue-pot, 
"  we  are  about  to  engage  in  a  skrimmage  from  which 
not  one  may  come  out  alive.  These  heroic  beings," 
says  Villiam,  "  are  ready  to  die  for  their  country  at 
sight,  and  you  now  behold  them  making  their  wills. 
We  shall  march  upon  Paris/'  says  Villiam,  "as  soon 
as  I  hear  from  Sergeant  O'Pake,  who  has  been  sent 
to  destroy  a  mill-dam  belonging  to  the  Southern 
Confederacy.  Come  with  me,  my  nice  little  boy, 
and  look  at  the  squadron  to  take  part  in  the  attack." 

This  squadron,  my  boy,  consisted  of  one  twenty- 
eiglit-inch  row-boat,  mounting  a  twelve-inch  swivel, 
and  commanded  by  Commodore  Head,  late  of  the 
Canal-boat  Service.  It  is  iron-plated  after  a  peculiar 
manner.  When  the  ingenious  chap  who  was  to  iron- 
plate  it  commenced  his  work,  Commodore  Head 
ordered  him  to  put  the  plates  on  the  inside  of  the 
boat,  instead  of  outside,  as  in  the  case  of  the  Moni 
tor  and  Galena. 


308  ORPHEUS   C.    KEBR   PAPERS. 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?"  says  the  contractor. 

"  Why/7  says  the  commodore,  "  ain't  them  iron 
plates  intended  to  protect  the  crew  ?" 

"  Yes/'  says  the  contractor. 

"Well,  then,  you  poor  ignorant  cuss,"  says  the 
commodore,  in  a  great  passion,  "  what  do  you  want 
to  put  the  plates  on  the  outside  for  ?  The  crew  won't 
be  on  the  outside — will  it  ?  The  crew  will  be  on  the 
inside — won't  it  ?  And  how  are  you  going  to  pro 
tect  the  crew  on  the  inside  by  putting  iron  plates  on 
the  outside  ?" 

Such  reasoning,  my  boy,  was  convincing,  and  the 
Mackerel  Squadron  is  plated  inside. 

While  I  was  contemplating  this  new  triumph  of 
American  naval  architecture,  and  wondering  what 
they  would  say  about  it  in  Europe,  an  orderly  rode 
up  and  handed  a  scrap  of  paper  to  Villiam. 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  perusing  the  message,  and 
then  passing  it  to  me,  "  the  veteran  O'Pake  has  not 
deceived  the  United  States  of  America." 

The  message  was  directed  to  the  General  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade,  my  boy,  and  read  as  follows  : 

"  GENERAL  : — In  accordance  with  your  orders,  I 
have  destroyed  the  mill  d — n.  O'PAKE." 

"  And  now,"  says  Villiam,  returning  his  canteen  to 
his  bosom  and  pulling  out  his  ruffles,  "  the  United 
States  of  America  will  proceed  to  capture  Paris  with 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR    PAPERS. 

great  slaughter.  Let  the  Brigade  form  in  marching 
order,  while  the  fleet  proceeds  around  by  water,  after 
the  manner  of  Lord  Nelson/' 

The  Mackerel  Brigade  was  quickly  on  the  march, 
headed  by  the  band,  who  played  an  entirely  new  ver 
sion  of  "  Hail  Columbia"  on  his  key  bugle.  Tramp, 
tramp,  tramp  !  and  we  found  ourselves  in  position 
before  Paris. 


MAP    OF   THE   WOELD,   SHOWING     THE   POSITION   OF   THE   MACKEREL   BRIGADE   AT 
THE   GREAT  BATTLE   OF   PARIS. 

Paris,  my  boy^  was  a  city  of  two  houses  previous 
to  the  recent  great  fire,  which  destroyed  half  of  it, 
and  we  found  it  fortified  with  a  strong  picket-fence 
and  counterscarp  earthworks,  from  the  top  of  which 
frowned  numerous  guns  of  great  compass. 

The  Mackerel  Brigade  was  at  once  formed  in  line- 


310  ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

of-battle-order — the  line  being  not  quite  as  straight 
as  an  ordinary  Pennsylvania  railroad — while  the 
fleet  menaced  the  water-front  of  the  city  from  Duck 
Lake. 

You  may  not  be  able  to  find  Duck  Lake  on  the 
maps,  my  boy,  as  it  is  only  visible  after  a  heavy 
rain. 

Previous  to  the  attack,  a  balloon,  containing  a 
Mackerel  chap,  and  a  telescope  shaped  like  a  bottle, 
was  sent  up  to  reconnoitre. 

"  Well/'  says  Yilliam  to  the  chap  when  he  came 
down,  "  what  is  the  force  of  the  Confederacy  ?" 

The  chap  coughed  respectfully,  and  says  he  : 

"I  could  only  see  one  Confederacy,  which,  is  an  old 
woman  \" 

"  Scorpion  !"  says  VilKam,  his  eyes  flashing  like 
the  bottoms  of  two  reversed  tumblers,  "  I  believe  you 
to  be  an  accursed  abolitionist.  Go  instantly  to  the 
rear/'  says  Yilliam,  fiercely,  "and  read  the  Keport 
of  the  Yan  Wyck  Investigating  Committee/' 

It  was  a  terrible  punishment,  my  boy,  but  the  ex 
ample  was  needed  for  the  good  of  the  service. 

The  Orange  County  Howitzers  now  advanced  to 

O  •/ 

the  front,  and  poured  a  terrible  fire  in  the  direction 
of  a  point  about  half  way  between  the  nearest  steeple 
and  the  meridian,  working  horrible  carnage  in  a 
flock  of  pigeons  that  happened  to  be  passing  at  the 
time. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  311 

"  Splendid,  my  glorious  Prooshians  !"  says  Vil- 
liain,  just  escaping  a  fall  from  his  saddle  by  the  con 
vulsive  start  of  Euclid,  that  noble  war-horse  having 
been  suddenly  roused  from  a  pleasant  doze  by  the 
firing — "  Splendid,  my  artillery  darlings.  Only,"  says 
Villiam,  thoughtfully,  "as  the  sun  is  a  friendly 
power,  don't  aim  at  him  so  accurately  next  time." 

Meantime,  Company  3,  Kegiment  5,  had  advanced 
from  the  right,  and  were  just  about  to  make  a  spendid 
bayonet-charge,  by  the  oblique,  over  the  picket-fence 
and  earthwork,  when  the  concealed  Confederacy  sud 
denly  opened  a  deadly  fire  of  old  shoes,  throwing  the 
Mackerels  into  great  confusion. 

Almost  simultaneously,  a  large  potato  struck  the 
fleet  on  Duck  Lake  on  the.  nose,  so  intensely  exciting 
him  that  he  incontinently  touched  off  his  swivel,  to 
the  great  detriment  of  the  surrounding  country. 

This  was  a  critical  moment,  my  boy  ;  the  least 
trifle  on  either  side  would  have  turned  the  scale,  and 
given  the  victory  to  either  party.  Villiam  Brown  had 
just  assumed  the  attitude  in  which  he  desired  Frank 
Leslie's  Illustrated  Artist  to  draw  him,  when  a  fami 
liar  domestic  utensil  came  hissing  through  the  lurid 
air  from  the  rebel  works,  and  exploded  in  two  pieces 
at  his  feet. 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  eyeing  the  fragments  with 
great  pallor,  "  they  have  commenced  to  throw  shell." 

In  another  moment  that  incomparable  officer  was 


312          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

at  the  head  of  a  storming  party ;  and  as  the  fleet 
opened  fire  on  the  cabbage-patch  in  the  rear  of  the 
enemy's  position,  an  impetuous  charge  was  precipi 
tated  in  front. 

Though  met  by  a  perfect  hail  of  turnips,  stove- 
covers,  and  kindling-wood,  the  Mackerels  went  over 
the  fence  like  a  fourth-proof  avalanche,  and  hemmed 
in  the  rebel  garrison  with  walls  of  bayonets. 

"  Surrender  to  the  Union  Anaconda  and  the  United 
States  of  America/'  thundered  Yilliam. 

"  You're  a  nasty,  dirty  creetur,"  responded  the 
garrison,  who  was  an  old  lady  of  venerable  aspect. 

"  Surrender,  or  you're  a  dead  man,  my  F.  F. 
Venus,"  says  Villiam,  majestically. 

The  old  lady  replied  with  a  look  of  scorn,  my  boy, 
walked  deliberately  toward  the  road,  and  when  last 
seen  was  proceeding  in  the  direction  of  Kichmond 
under  a  green  silk  umbrella  and  a  heavy  press  of 
snuff. 

Now  it  happened,  just  after  we  had  formally  taken 
possession  of  the  city,  while  the  band  was  playing 
martial  airs,  and  the  fleet  winding  up  his  chronome 
ter,  that  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  made 
his  appearance  on  the  field,  and  was  received  with 
loud  cheers  by  those  who  believed  that  he  brought 
their  pay  back  with  him. 

"  My  children,"  says  the  general,  with  a  paternal 
smile,  "  don't  praise  me  for  an  achievement  in  which 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERB  PAPERS.         313 

all  have  won  such  imperishable  laurels.     I  have  only 
done  my  jooty." 

This  speech,  my  boy,  made  a  great  impression  upon 
me  on  account  of  its  touching  modesty.  War,  my 
boy,  is  calculated  to  promote  an  amount  of  bashful 
modesty  never  equaled  except  in  Congress,  and  I 
have  known  brigadiers  so  self-deprecatory  that  they 
lived  in  a  state  of  perpetual  blush — especially  at  the 
ends  of  their  noses. 

Yours,  inadequately, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 

14 


r. 


LETTER    XLV. 

EXEMPLIFYING  THE  INCONSISTENCY  OP  THE  CONSERVATIVE  ELEMENT, 
AND  SETTING  FORTH  THE  MEASURES  ADOPTED  BY  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM 
BROWN  IN  HIS  MILITARY  GOVERNMENT  OF  PARIS. 

"WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  May  ISth,  1862. 

SUFFER  me,  my  boy,  to  direct  your  attention  to 
the  Congress  of  our  once  distracted  country,  which  is 
now  shedding  a  beautiful  lustre  over  the  whole  nation, 
and  exciting  that  fond  emotion  of  admiration  which 
inclines  the  human  foot  to  perform  a  stern  duty. 
"  Congress/'  says  Captain  Samyule  Sa-mith,  nodding 
to  the  bar-keeper,  and  designating  a  particular  bottle 
with  his  finger — " Congress/'  says  he,  "is  a  honor 
and  a  ornament  to  our  bleeding  land.  The  fortunes 
of  war  may  fluctuate,  the  rose  may  fade  ;  but  Congress 
is  ever  stable.  Yes/'  says  Samyule,  in  a  beautiful 
burst  of  enthusiasm,  softly  stirring  the  Oath  in  his 
tumbler  with  a  toothpick,  "Congress  is  stable — in 
short,  a  stable  full  of  mules." 

The  Conservatives  from  the  Border  States,  my  boy, 
look  upon  the  Southern  Confederacy  as  a  brother, 
whom  it  is  our  duty  to  protect  against  the  accursed 
designs  of  the  fiendish  Abolitionists,  who  would  make 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.          315 

this  war  one  of  bloodshed.  They  ignore  all  party 
feeling,  support  the  Constitution  as  it  was,  in  contra 
distinction  to  what  it  is,  and  object  to  any  Confisca 
tion  measure  calculated  to  irritate  our  misguided 
brothers  and  sisters  in  that  beautiful  land  where 


The  suitor  he  goes  to  tho  planter  so  grand, 
And  "  Give  me  your  daughter,"  says  he, 
"  For  each  unto  other  we've  plighted  our  lov 
I  love  her  and  so  she  loves  me," 

Says  he, 
"  And  married  we're  wishing  to  be." 

The  planter  was  deeply  affected  indeed, 

Such  touching  devotion  to  see ; 
"  The  giving  I  couldn't  afford  ;  but  I'll  sell 
Her  for  six  hundred  dollars  to  thee," 

Says  he, 
41  Her  mother  was  worth  that  to  me." 


Which  I  quote  from  a  sweet  ballad  I  recently  found 
among  some  rebel  leave-ings  at  York  town. 

These  conservative  patriots,  my  boy,  remind  me  of 
a  chap  I  once  knew  in  the  Sixth  Ward.  A  high  moral 
chap,  my  boy,  and  full  of  venerable  dignity.  One 
night  the  virtuous  cuss  doing  business  next  door  to 
him,  having  just  got  a  big  insurance  on  his  stock,  and 
thinking  himself  safe  for  a  flaming  speculation,  set  fire 
to  his  own  premises  and  then  called  "  Murder  "  on  the 
next  corner.  Out  came  the  whole  Fire  Department, 
only  stopping  to  have  jtwo  fights  and  a  scrimmage  on 
the  way,  and  pretty  soon  the  water  was  pouring  all 


316  OKPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

over  every  house  in  the  street  except  the  one  on  fire. 
The  high  moral  chap  stuck  his  head  out  of  the  win 
dow,  and  says  he  : 

"  This  here  fire  ain't  in  my  house,  and  I  don't  want 
no  noise  around  this  here  residence." 

Upon  this.,  some  of  our  gallant  firemen,  who  had 
just  been  into  a  fashionable  drinking-shop  not  more 
than  two  blocks  off,  to  see  if  any  of  the  sparks  had 
got  in  there,  called  to  the  chap  to  let  them  into  his 
house,  so  that  they  might  get  at  the  conflagration 
more  easily. 

"Never  !"  said  the  chap,  shaking  his  nightcap  con 
vulsively  ;  I  didn't  set  fire  to  Joneses,  and  I  can't 
have  no  Fire  Department  running  around  my 
entries." 

"  See  here,  old  blue-pills,"  says  one  of  the  firemen, 
pleasantly,  "  if  you  don't  let  us  in,  your  own  crib  will 
go  to  blazes  in  ten  minutes." 

But  the  dignified  chap  only  shut  down  the  window 
and  went  to  bed  again,  saying  his  prayers  backwards. 
I  would  not  accuse  a  noble  Department  of  violence, 
my  boy,  but  in  about  three  minutes  there  was  a 
double  back-action  machine  standing  in  that  chap's 
front  entry,  with  three-inch  streams  out  of  all  the 
back  windows.  The  fire  was  put  out  with  only  half 
a  hose  company  killed  and  wounded,  and  next  day 
there  was  a  meeting  to  see  what  should  be  clone  with 
the  incendiary  when  he  was  caught.  The  high 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  317 

moral  chap  was  at  that  meeting  very  early,  and 
says  he  : 

"  Let  me  advise  moderation  in  this  here  unhappy 
matter.  I  feel  deeply  interested,"  says  the  chap,  with 
tears  ;  "  for  I  assisted  to  put  out  the  conflagration  by 
permitting  the  use  of  my  house  by  the  firemen.  I 
almost  feel,"  says  the  genial  chap,  "  like  a  fellow  fire 
man  myself." 

At  this  crisis,  a  chap  who  was  assistant  engineer, 
and  also  Secretary  to  the  Board  of  Education,  arose, 
and  says  he  : 

"  What  are  yer  coughin'  about,  old  peg-top  ? 
Didn't  me  and  the  fellers  have  to  cave  in  your  door 
with  a  night-key  wrench— sa-a-ay  ?  What  are  yer 
gassin'  about,  then  ?  You  did  a  muchness — you 
did  !  Yes — slightually — in  a  horn.  Now,"  says  the 
gallant  fireman,  with  an  agreeable  smile,  "if  you 
don't  jest  coil  in  yer  hose  and  take  the  sidewalk  very 
sudden,  it'll  be  my  duty,  as  a  member  of  the  Depart 
ment,  to  bust  yer  eye." 

I  commend  this  chaste  and  rhetorical  remark,  my 

boy,  to  the  attention  of  Border  State  Conswervatives. 

J  ^  <^ —  -  - 

Since  the  occupation  of  Paris  by  the  Mackerel 
Brigade,  affairs  there  have  been  administered  with 
great  intellectual  ability  by  Captain  Villiam  Brown, 
who  has  been  appointed  Provisional  Governor,  to 
govern  the  sale  of  provisions. 

The  city  of  Paris,  my  boy,  as  I  told  you  lately,  is 


318  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

laid  out  in  one  house  at  present ;  and  since  the  dis 
covery,  that  what  were  at  first  supposed  to  be  Dahl- 
gren  guns  by  our  forces  were  really  a  number  of  old 
hats  with  their  rims  cut  off,  laid  in  a  row  on  top  of 
the  earthworks,  the  democracy  have  stopped  talking 
about  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  for  next 
President. 

The  one  house,,  however,  was  a  boarding-house  ; 
and  though  all  the  boarders  left  at  the  approach 
of  our  troops,  it  was  subsequently  discovered  that  all 
of  them  save  one,  were  good  Union  men,  and  were 
brutally  forced  to  fly  by  that  one  Confederate  mis 
creant.  When  Yilliam  heard  of  the  fate  of  these 
noble  and  oppressed  patriots,  my  boy,  he  suffered  a 
tear  to  drop  into  the  tumbler  he  had  just  found,  and 
says  he  : 

"Just  Hevings  !  can  this  be  so?  Ah!"  says 
Villiam,  lifting  a  bottle  near  by  to  see  that  no  rebel 
was  concealed  under  it,  "  I  will  issue  a  proclamation 
calculated  to  conciliate  the  noble  Union  men  of  the 
sunny  South,  and  bring  them  back  to  those  protect 
ing  folds  in  which,  our  inedycated  forefathers  folded 
their  selves." 

Nobody  believed  it  could  be  done,  my  boy — nobody 
believed  it  could  be  done  ;  but  Villiam  understood 
his  species,  and  issued  the  following 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  319 

PROCLAMATION. 

The  Union  men  of  the  South  are  hereby  informed 
that  the  United  States  of  America  has  reasserted  his- 
self,  and  will  shortly  open  a  bar-room  in  Paris.    Also, 
cigars  and  other  necessaries  of  life.     By  order  of 
CAPTAIN  YILLIAM  BROWN,  Eskevire. 

"  There/'  says  Villiam,  "  the  human  intelleck  may 
do  what  violence  might  fail  to  accomplish.  "Ah  !" 
says  Villiam,  "moral  suasion  is  more  majestik  than 
an  army  with  banners." 

In  just  half  an  hour  after  the  above  Proclamation 
was  issued,  my  boy,  the  hum  of  countless  approach 
ing  voices  called  us  to  the  ramparts.  A  vast  multi 
tude  was  approaching.  It  was  the  Union  men  of  the 
South,  my  boy,  who  had  read  the  manifesto  of  a 
beneficent  Government,  and  were  coming  back  to  take 
the  Oath — with  a  trifle  of  sugar  in  it. 

How  necessary  it  is,  my  boy,  that  men  intrusted 
with  important  commands — generals  and  governors 
responsible  for  the  pacification  and  welfare  of  mis 
guided  provinces — should  understand  just  how  and 
when  to  touch  that  sensitive  chord  in  our  common 
nature  which  vibrates  responsively  when  man  is  in 
vited  to  take  something  by  his  fellow-man. 

Scarcely  had  Villiam  assumed  his  office  and  sup 
pressed  two  reporters,  when  there  were  brought  before 
him  a  fugitive  contraband  of  the  color  of  old  meer- 


320  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

schaum,  and  a  planter  from  the  adjacent  county,  who 
claimed  the  slave. 

"  It's  me — that's  Misther  Murphy — would  be  afther 
axing  your  riverence  to  return  the  black  crayture  at 
once/'  says  the  planter  ;  "  for  its  meself  that  owns 
him,  and  he  runn'd  away  right  under  me  nose  and 
eyes  as  soon  as  me  back  was  turned." 

"Ah  !"  says  Yilliam,  balancing  a  tumbler  in  his 
right  hand.  "  Are  you  a  Southerner,  Mr.  Murphy  ?" 

"  Yaysir,"  SSLJS  Mr.  Murphy,  "  it's  that  I  am,  in- 
tirely.  Be  the  same  token,  I  was  raised  and  born  in 
the  swate  South — the  South  of  Ireland." 

"  Are  you  Chivalry  ?"  says  Villiam,  thoughtfully. 

"  Is  it  Chivalry  ! — ah,  but  it's  that  I  am,  and  me 
father  before  me,  and  me  childers  that's  afther  me. 
If  Chivalry  was  praties  I  could  furnish  a  dinner  to 
all  the  wur-ruld,  and  have  enough  left  to  fade  the 
pigs." 

"Murphy  is  a  French  name/'  says  Villiam,  draw 
ing  a  copy  of  Yattel  on  International  Law  from  his 
pocket  and  glancing  at  it,  "  but  I  will  not  dispute 
what  you  say.  You  must  do  without  your  contra 
band,  however  ;  for  slavery  and  martial  law  don't 
agree  together  in  the  United  States  of  America." 

"  Mr.  Black,"  says  Yilliam,  gravely,  turning  to 
the  emancipated  African,  "  you  have  come  to  the 
right  shop  for  freedom.  You  are  from  henceforth  a 
freeman  and  a  brother-in-law.  You  are  now  your 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  321 

own  master,"  says  Villiam,  encouragingly,  "and  no 
man  has  a  right  to  order  you  about.  You  are  in  the 
full  enjoyment  of  Heving's  best  gift — Freedom  !  Go 
and  black  my  boots." 

The  moral  grandeur  of  this  speech,  my  boy,  so 
affected  the  Southern  planter  that  he  at  once  became 
a  Union  man,  took  the  Oath  with  the  least  bit  of 
water  in  it,  and  asked  permission  to  have  his  own 
boots  blacked. 

I  have  been  deeply  touched  of  late,  my  boy,  by  the 
reception  of  a  present  from  the  ladies  of  Alexandria. 
It  is  a  beautiful  little  dog,  named  Bologna  (the 
women  of  America  think  that  Bologna  is  the  goddess 
of  war,  my  boy),  shaped  like  a  door-mat  rolled  up, 
and  elegantly  frescoed  down  the  sides  in  white  and 
yellow.  The  note  accompanying  the  gift  was  all 
womanly. 

"  Accept,"  it  said,  "  this  slight  tribute,  as  an  index 
of  the  feelings  with  which  the  American  women  re 
gards  the  noble  volunteer.  Wear  this  gift  next  your 
heart  when  the  fierce  battle  rages  ;  but,  in  the  mean 
time,  give  him  a  bone." 

Bologna  is  a  pointer,  my  boy — a  Five-Pointer. 

A.S  a  dead  poet  expresses  it,  Woman  is  "  Heaven's 
noblest,  best,  and  last  good  gift  to  man  ;"  and  I  as 
sure,  you,  my  boy,  that  she  is  just  the  last  gift  he 
cares  about.  Yours,  in  bachelordliness, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 
14* 


LETTER    XLVI. 

WHEREIN  IS  SHOWN  HOW  THE  GENERAL  OP  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE 
FOLLOWED  AN  ILLUSTRIOUS  EXAMPLE,  AND  VETOED  A  PROCLAMA 
TION.  ALSO  RECORDING  A  MILITARY  EXPERIMENT  WITH  RELIABLE 
CONTRABANDS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  May  20th,  1862. 

KEJOICE  with  me,  my  boy,  that  I  have  got  back 
my  gothic  steed,  Pegasus,  from  the  Government  chap 
who  borrowed  him  for  a  desk.  The  splendid  archi 
tectural  animal  has  just  enough  slant  from  his  back 
bone  to  his  hips  to  make  a  capital  desk,  my  boy  ; 
and  then  his  tail  is  so  handy  to  wipe  pens  on.  In  a 
moment  of  thirst  he  swallowed  a  bottle  of  ink,  and 
some  fears  were  entertained  for  his  life  ;  but  a  gross 
of  steel  pens  and  a  ream  of  blotting  paper,  immedi 
ately  administered,  caused  him  to  come  out  all  write. 
In  a  gothic  sense,  my  boy,  the  charger  continues  to 
produce  architectural  illusions.  He  was  standing  on 
a  hill-side  the  other  day,  with  his  rear-elevation  to 
ward  the  spectators,  his  head  up  and  ears  touching  at 
the  top,  when  a  chap,  who  has  been  made  pious  by 
frequent  conversation  with  the  contrabands,  noticed 
him  afar  off,  and  says  he  to  a  soldier,  "  What  church 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  323 

is  that  I  behold  in  the  distance,  my  fellow-worm  of 
the  dust  ?"  The  military  veteran  looked,  and  says 
he,  "  It  does  look  like  a  church  ;  but  it's  only  a 
animated  hay-rack  belonging  to  the  cavalry." 

"  I  see,"  says  the  pious  chap,  moving  on  ;  "  the 
beast  looks  like  a  church,  because  he's  been  accus 
tomed  to  steeple-chases." 

I  have  also  much  satisfaction  in  the  society  of  my 
dog,  Bologna,  my  boy,  who  has  already  become  so 
attached  to  me  that  I  believe  he  would  defend  me 
against  any  amount  of  meat.  Like  the  Old  Guard 
of  France,  he's  always  around  the  bony  parts  thrown  ; 
and,  like  a  bon  vivant,  is  much  given  to  whining  after 
his  dinner. 

The  last  time  I  was  at  Paris,  my  boy,  this  interest 
ing  animal  made  a  good  breakfast  off  the  calves  of  the 
General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade's  legs,  causing  that 
great  strategetical  conmiander  to  issue  enough  oaths 
for  the  whole  Southern  Confederacy. 

"  Thunder  !"  says  the  General,  at  the  conclusion 
of  his  cursory  remarks,  "I  shall  have  the  hydro 
phobia  and  bite  somebody.  It's  my  opinion,"  says 
the  General,  hastily  licking  a  few  grains  of  sugar  from 
the  spoon  he  was  holding  at  the  time,  "  it's  my  opin 
ion  that  I  shall  go  rabid  as  soon  as  I  see  water." 

"  Then  you're  perfectly  safe,  my  conquering  hero," 
says  I ;  "for  when  you  see  water,  the  Atlantic  Ocean 
will  be  principally  composed  of  brandy  pale." 


324  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

Speaking  of  Paris,  it  pains  me,  my  boy,  to  say, 
that  Captain  Villiam  Brown's  Proclamation  for  the 
conciliation  of  southern  Union  men  has  been  re 
pudiated  by  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade. 

"  Thunder  !"  says  the  General,  taking  a  cork  from 
his  pocket  in  mistake  for  a  watch-key,  "  it's  against 
the  Constitution  to  open  a  bar  so  far  away  from 
where  Congress  sits." 

And  he  at  once  issued  the  following 

"  PROCLAMATION. 

"  Whereas,  There  appears  in  the  public  prints  what 
presumptuously  pretends  to  be  a  proclamation  of 
Captain  Villiam  Brown,  Eskevire,  in  the  words  fol 
lowing,  to  wit : 

e  PROCLAMATION. 

c  The  Union  men  of  the  South  are  hereby  informed 
that  the  United  States  of  America  has  reasserted 
hisself,  and  will  shortly  open  a  bar-room  in  Paris. 
Also,  cigars  and  other  necessaries  of  life. 

:  By  order  of 
'  CAPTAIN  VILLIAM  BROWN,  Eskevire/ 

"  And  whereas,  the  same  is  producing  much  excite 
ment  among  those  members  from  the  Border  States 
who  would  prefer  that  said  bar-room  should  be  nearer 
Washington,  in  case  of  sickness.  Therefore,  I7  Gen 
eral  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  do  proclaim  and  declare 
that  the  Mackerel  Brigade  cannot  stand  this  sort  of 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS.  325 

thing,  and  that  neither  Captain  Villiam  Brown  nor 
any  other  commander  has  been  authorized  to  declare 
free  lunch,  either  by  implication  or  otherwise,  in  any 
State  :  much  less  in  a  state  of  intoxication,  of  which 
there  are  several. 

"  To  persons  in  this  State,  now,  I  earnestly  appeal. 
I  do  not  argue  :  I  beseech  you  to  mix  your  own 
liquors.  You  cannot,  if  you  would,  be  blind  to  the 
signs  of  the  times,  when  such  opportunity  is  offered 
to  see  double.  I  beg  of  you  a  calm  and  immense 
consideration  of  them  (signs),  ranging,  it  may  be, 
above  personal  liquor  establishments.  The  change 
you  will  receive  after  purchasing  your  materials  will 
come  gently  as  the  dues  from  heaven — not  rending 
nor  wrecking  anything.  Will  you  not  embrace  me  ? 
May  the  extensive  future  not  have  to  lament  that  you 
have  neglected  to  do  so. 

"Yours,  respectfully,  the 

"  GENERAL  OF  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE/' 

[Green  seal.] 

When  Villiam  read  this  conservative  proclamation, 
my  boy,  he  looked  thoughtfully  into  a  recently-occu 
pied  tumbler  for  a  few  moments,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  There's  some  intelleck  in  that.  The  general 
covers  the  whole  ground.  Ah !"  says  Villiam,  pre 
paring,  in  a  dreamy  manner,  to  wash  out  the  tumbler 
with  something  from  a  decanter,  "  the  general  so 


326  .  ORPHEUS    C.    KERB    PAPERS. 

completely  covers  the  whole  ground  sometimes,  that 
the  police  departmink  is  required  to  clear  it." 

I  believe  him.,  my  boy. 

The  intelligent  and  reliable  contrabands,  my  boy, 
who  have  come  into  Paris  from  time  to  time,  with 
valuable  news  concerning  all  recent  movements  not 
taking  place  in  the  Confederacy,  were  formed  lately 
by  Villiam,  into  a  military  company,  called  the  Sam- 
bory  Guard,  Captain  Bob  Shorty  being  deputed  to 
drill  them  in  the  colored-manual  of  arms.  They  were 
dressed  in  flaming  red  breeches  and  black  coats,  my 
boy,  and  each  chaotic  chap  looked  like  a  section  of 
stove-pipe  walking  about  on  two  radishes. 

I  attended  the  first  drill,  my  boy,  and  found  the 
oppressed  Africans  standing  in  a  line  about  as  regular 
as  so  many  trees  in  a  maple  swamp. 

Captain  Bob  Shorty  whipped  out  his  sleepless 
sword,  straightened  it  on  a  log,  stepped  to  the  front, 
and  was  just  about  to  give  the  first  order,  when, 
suddenly,  he  started,  threw  up  his  nose,  and  stood 
paralyzed. 

"  What's  the  matter,  my  blue  and  gilt  ?"  says  I. 

He  stood  like  one  in  a  dream,  and  says  he  : 

"Tears  to  me  I  smell  something/' 

"  Yes,"  says  I  ;  "  'tis  the  scent  of  the  roses  that 
hangs  round  it  still/' 

"  True/'  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  recovering,  "it 
does  smell  like  a  cent ;  and  I  haven't  seen  a  cent  of 


ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS.         327 

my  pay  for  such  a  long  time,  that  the  novelty  of  the 
odor  knocked  me.  Attention,  company  !" 

Only  five  of  the  troops  were  enough  startled  by 
this  sudden  order,  my  boy,  to  drop  their  guns,  and 
only  four  stooped  down  to  tie  their  shoes.  One  very 
reliable  contraband  left  the  ranks,  and  says  he  : 

"  Mars'r,  hadn't  Brudder  Khett  better  gub  out  the 
hymn  before  the  service  commence  ?" 

"Order  in  the  ranks  !"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty, 
with  some  asperity,  "Attention,  Company  !— Order 
Arms  !" 

The  troops  did  this  very  well,  my  boy,  the  muskets 
coming  down  at  intervals  of  three  minutes,  bringing 
each  man's  cap  with  them,  and  pointing  so  regularly 
toward  all  points  of  the  compass,  that  no  foe  could 
possibly  approach  from  any  direction  without  running 
on  a  bayonet. 

"  Excellent !"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  with  en 
thusiasm.  "  Only,  Mr.  Khett,  you  needn't  hold  your 
gun  quite  so  much  like  a  hoe.  Carry  arms  !" 

Here  Mr.  Dana  stepped  out  from  the  ranks,  and 
says  he  : 

"  Carrie  who,  mars' r  ?" 

"  Go  to  the  rear,"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  indig 
nantly.  "  Present  Arms  !" 

Tf  Present  Arms  means  to  stick  your  bayonet  into 
the  next  man's  side,  my  boy,  the  troops  did  it  very 
well. 


328  OKPHEUS   C.  KERR   PAPERS. 

"  Splendid !"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty.  "  Shoulder 
Arms — Eyes  Eight — Double-quick,  March  !  On  to 
Kichmond  1" 

The  troops  obeyed  the  order;  my  boy,  and  haven't 
been  seen  since.  Perhaps  they're  going  yet,  my  boy. 

Company  3,  Kegiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade,  started 
for  an  advance  on  Kichmond  yesterday,  and  by  a 
forced  march  got  within  three  miles  of  it.  Another 
march  brought  them  within  five  miles  of  the  place  ; 
and  the  last  despatch  stated  that  they  had  but  ten 
miles  to  go  before  reaching  the  rebel  capital. 

Military  travel,  my  boy,  is  like  the  railroad  at  the 
West,  where  they  had  to  make  chalk  marks  on  the 
track  to  see  which  way  the  train  was  going. 
Yours,  on  time, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER   XLYII. 

INTRODUCING  A  POEM  BASED  UPON  AN  IDEA  THAT  IS  IN  VIOLET —A 
POEM  FOR  WHICH  ONE  OF  THE  WOMEN  OP  AMERICA  IS  SOLELY 
RESPONSIBLE. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  May  24th,  1862. 

ONE  of  the  Northern  women  of  America,  my  boy, 
has  sent  me  a  note,  for  the  express  purpose  of  express 
ing  her  hatred  of  the  Southern  Confederacy.  She 
says,  my  boy,  that  the  Confederacy  is  a  miserable 
man,  only  fit  for  pecuniary  dishonesty  ;  and  that 
even  the  gentle  William  Shakspeare  couldn't  help 
revealing  the  peculiar  failing  of  the  Floydulent  sec 
tion  when  he  spoke  so  feelingly  of 

"  The  sweet  South, 

That  breathes  upon  a  bank  of  Violets, 
Stealing  and  giving  odor." 

A  fair  hit,  my  boy — a  fair  hit  ;  and  sorry  should  I 
be  to  let  the  sweet  South  breathe  upon  any  kind  of  a 
bank  in  which  I  had  a  deposit. 

Speaking  of  violets  ;  the  woman  of  America  sent 
one  of  those  pretty  flowers  in  her  note  ;  and,  as  I 
looked  upon  it,  I  thought  how  fit  it  was  to  be 


330  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 


THE    SOLDIER'S   EPITAPH. 

The  woodlands  caught  the  airy  fire  upon  their  vernal  plumes, 
And  echoed  back  the  waterfall's  exultant,  trilling  laugh, 

And  through  the  branches  fell  the  light  in  slender  golden  blooms 
To  write  upon  the  sylvan  stream  the  Naiad's  epitaph. 

On  either  side  the  sleeping  vale  the  mountains  swelled  away, 
Like  em'ralds  in  the  mourning  ring  that  circles  round  the  world 

And  through  the  flow'r-euamel'd  plain  the  river  went  astray, 
Like  scarf  of  lady  silver'd  o'er  around  a  standard  furled. 

The  turtle  wooed  his  gentle  mate,  where  thickest  hung  the  boughs, 
While  round  them  fell  the  blossoms  plucked  by  robins'  wanton  bills ; 

And  on  its  wings  the  zephyr  caught  the  music  of  his  vows, 
To  waft  a  strain  responsive  to  the  chorus  of  the  hills. 

'Twas  in  a  nook  beside  the  stream  where  grapes  in  clusters  fell, 
And  twixt  the  trees  the  swaying  vines  were  lost  in  leafy  showers, 

That  fauns  and  satyrs,  tamed  to  rest  beneath  the  noonday  spell, 
Gave  silent  ear  and  witness  to  the  meeting  of  the  flowers. 

The  glories  of  the  fields  were  there  in  summer's  bright  array, 
The  virgins  of  the  temple  vast  where  Noon  to  Ev'ning  nods, 

To  crown  as  queen  of  all  the  rest  whose  bosom  should  display 
The  signet  of  a  mission  blest,  the  cipher  of  the  gods. 

The  royal  Lily's  sceptred  cup  besought  an  airy  lip, 

The  Rose's  stooping  coyness  told  the  bee  was  at  her  heart, 

While  all  the  other  sisters  round,  with  many  a  dainty  dip, 

Sought  jewels  hidden  in  the  grass,  and  waved  its  spears  apart. 

"We  seek  a  queen,"  the  Lily  said,  "and  she  shall  wear  the  crown 
Who  to  the  Mission  of  the  Blest  the  fairest  right  shall  prove ; 

For  unto  her,  whoe'er  she  be,  has  come  in  sunlight  down 
The  badge  of  Nature's  Royalty,  from  angel  hands  above. 

"  I  go  to  deck  the  wreath  that  binds  a  fair,  imperial  brow, 
Whose  whiteness  shall  not  be  the  less  that  mine  is  purer  still ; 

For  though  a  band  of  sparkling  gems  is  set  upon  it  now, 
'Twill  be  the  fairer  that  the  Church  in  me  beholds  her  will." 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  331 

*'  I  claim  a  loyal  suitor's  touch,"  the  Rose  ingenuous  said, 

"And  ho  will  choose  mo  when  he  seeks  the  bow'r  of  lady  fair, 

To  match  me,  with  a  smile,  against  her  check's  betraying  red, 
And  place  me,  with  a  kiss,  within  the  shadows  of  her  hair." 

And  next  the  proud  Camellia  spoke  :  "  "Where  festal  music  swells, 
And  solemn  priest,  with  gown  and  book,  a  knot  eternal  ties, 

I  go  to  hold  the  vail  of  her  who  hears  her  marriage-bells, 
And  pledges  all  her  life  unto  the  Love  that  never  dies." 

The  Laurels  raised  their  glowing  heads,  and  into  language  broke : 
"  'Tis  ours  to  honor  gallant  deeds  that  awe  a  crouching  world; 

We  rest  upon  the  warrior's  helm  when  fades  the  battle's  smoke, 
And  bloom  perennial  on  the  shield  that  back  the  foeman  hurled." 

And  other  sisters  of  the  field,  the  woodland,  and  the  vale, 
Each  told  the  story  of  her  work,  and  glorified  her  quest ; 

But  none  of  all  the  noble  ones  had  yet  revealed  the  talo 

That  taught  them  from  the  gods  she  wore  the  signet  in  her  breast. 

At  length  the  zephyr  raised  a  leaf,  the  lowliest  of  the  low, 
And  there,  behold  a  Violet  the  Spring  let  careless  slip ; 

Beyond  its  season  blooming  there  where  newer  beauties  grow, 
Enshrined  like  an  immortal  thought  that  lives  beyond  the  lip. 

"  \\'e  greet  thy  presence,  little  one,"  the  graceful  Lily  said, 
And  quivered  with  a  silent  laugh  behind  her  snowy  screen, 

"  Upraise  unto  the  open  sun  thy  modest  little  head  ; 
For  here,  perchance,  in  thee  at  last  the  Flow'rs  have  found  their 
queen." 

A  tremor  shook  the  timid  flower,  and  soft  her  answer  came : 

"  'Tis  but  a  simple  duty  left  to  one  so  small  as  I ; 
And  yet  I  would  not  yield  it  up  for  all  the  higher  famo 

Of  nodding  on  a  hero's  helm,  or  catching  beauty's  eye. 

"  I  go  to  where  an  humble  mound  uprises  in  a  field, 
To  mark  the  placs  of  one  whose  life  was  lost  a  land  to  save ; 

Where  bannered  pomp  no  birth  attests,  nor  marbled  sword  nor  shield  ; 
I  go  to  deck,"  the  Violet  said,  "  a  simple  soldier's  grave." 


332         ORPHEUS  G.  KERB  PAPERS. 

There  fell  a  hush  on  all  the  flowers ;  but  from  a  distant  grove 
Burst  forth  the  anthem  of  the  birds  in  one  grand  peal  of  praise ; 

As  though  the  stern  old  Forest's  heart  had  found  its  early  love, 
And  all  of  earth's  sublimity  was  melted  in  its  lays  I 

Then,  as  the  modest  flower  upturned  her  blue  eyes  to  the  sun, 
There  fell  a  dewdrop  on  her  breast  as  shaken  from  a  tree ; 

The  lowliest  of  the  sisterhood  the  godlike  Crown  had  won; 
For  hers  it  was  to  consecrate  Truth's  Immortality. 

The  woodlands  caught  the  airy  fire  upon  their  vernal  plumes, 
And  echoed  back  the  waterfall's  exultant,  trilling  laugh ; 

And  through  the  branches  fell  the  light  in  slender  golden  blooms, 
To  sanctify  the  Violet,  the  Soldier's  Epitaph. 

I  asked  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  the 
other  day,  what  kind  of  a  flower  he  thought  would 
spring  above  my  head  when  I  rested  in  a  soldier's 
sepulchre  ?  and  he  said  "A  cahhage  !"  my  boy — he 
said  "  A  cabbage  !"  Yours,  inversely, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    XIVIII. 

TREATING  CHIEFLY  OF  A  TERRIBLE  PANIC  "WHICH  BROKE  OUT  IN 
PARIS,  BUT  SUBSEQUENTLY  PROVED  TO  BE  ONLY  A  NATURAL  EF 
FECT  OF  STRATEGY. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  Juno  1st,  1S62. 

IT  is  my  belief — my  solemn  and  affecting  belief,  my 
boy,  that  our  once  distracted  country  is  destined  to 
be  such  a  great  military  power  hereafter,  that  an 
American  citizen  will  be  distinguishable  in  any  part  of 
the  world  by  his  commission  as  a  brigadier.  Even  Con 
gressmen  will  answer  to  the  command  of  "  Charge — • 
mileage  !"  and  it  is  stated  that  sons  of  guns  in  every 
variety  are  already  being  born  at  the  West — sons  of 
"  Pop"  guns,  my  boy. 

The  last  time  the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade 
was  here,  he  was  so  much  pleased  with  the  high  state 
of  strategy  developed  at  the  War  Office,  that  he 
visited  all  the  bar-rooms  in  Washington,  and  ordered 
the  tumblers  to  be  at  once  illuminated. 

"Thunder  !"  says  the  general  to  Colonel  Wobert 
Wobinson,  of  the  Western  Cavalry,  as  they  were 
taking  measures  to  prevent  any  possible  mistake  by 


334  ORPHEUS    C.   KERR    PAPERS. 

seeing  the  enemy  double,  "  this  war  is  making  great 
tacticians  of  the  whole  nation,  and  if  I  wanted  my 
sons  to  become  Napoleons,  I'd  put  them  into  the  War 
Office  for  a  week.  My  sons  !  my  sons  !"  says  the 
general  hysterically,  motioning  for  a  little  more  hot 
water,  "  why  are  you  not  here  with  me  in  glory,  in 
stead  of  remaining  home  there,  like  ripe  plums  on 
the  parent  tree." 

"Plums  !  plums  !"  says  Colonel  Wobinson,  thought 
fully.  "  Ah  !  I  see,"  says  the  colonel,  pleasantly, 
"  your  sons  are  damsons." 

The  general  eyed  the  speaker  with  much  severity 
of  countenance,  my  boy,  and  says  he  : 

"  If  you  have  any  sons,  my  friend,  they  are  proba 
bly  fast  young  men,  and  take  after  their  father — at 
the  approach  of  the  enemy." 

The  general  is  rather  proud  of  his  sons,  my  boy, 
one  of  whom  wrote  the  following,  whk;h  he  keeps 
pinned  against  the  wall  of  his  room  : — 

POOR    PUSSY. 

"We  count  mankind  and  keep  our  census  still, 
"We  count  the  stars  that  populate  the  night; 

But  who,  with  all  his  computation,  can 
Con  catty  nations  right? 

In  all  the  lands,  in  zones  of  all  degrees, 

No  spot  im-puss-able  is  known  to  be; 
And  sure,  the  ocean  can't  ignore  the  Cat, 

Whose  capital  is  C. 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  335 

Despise  her  not;    for  Nature,  in  the  work 

Of  making  her,  remembered  human  laws, 
And  gave  to  Puss  strange  gifts  of  human  sort; 

Before  she  made  her  paws: 

First,  Puss  is  like  a  soldier,  if  you  please ; 

Or,  like  a  soldier's  officer,  in  truth ; 
For  every  night  brings  ample  proof  she  is 

A  fencer  from  her  youth. 

A  model  cosmopolitan  is  she, 

Indifferent  to  change  of  place  or  time; 
And,  like  the  hardy  sailor  of  the  seas, 

Inured  to  every  climb. 

Then,  like  a  poet  of  the  noble  sort, 

"Who  spurns  the  ways  of  ordinary  crews, 
She  courts  the  upper-storied  attic  salt, 

And  hath  her  private  mews. 

In  mathematics  she  eclipses  quite 

Our  best  professors  of  the  science  hard, 
When,  by  her  quadrupedal  mode,  she  shows 

Her  four  feet  in  a  yard. 

To  try  the  martial  simile  once  more: 

She  apes  the  military  drummer-man, 
"When,  at  appropriate  hours  of  day  and  night, 

She  makes  her  ratty  plan. 

She  is  a  lawyer  to  the  hapless  rat, 
"Who  strives  in  vain  to  fly  her  fee-line  paws, 

Evading  once,  but  to  be  caught  again 
In  her  redeeming  claws. 


Then  turn  not  from  poor  Pussy  in  disdain, 
Whose  pride  of  ancestry  may  equal  thine; 

For  is  she  not  a  blood-descendaut  of 
The  ancient  Catty  line? 


336  ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS. 

Speaking  of  strategy,  my  boy,  you  will  remember 
that  Company  3,  Regiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade, 
started  for  an  advance  on  Richmond  last  week,  and 
were  within  ten  miles  of  that  city.  Subsequently 
they  made  another  forced  march  of  five  miles,  leaving 
only  fifteen  miles  to  go  ;  and  on  Tuesday,  a  messen 
ger  came  in  from  them  to  Captain  Villiam  Brown, 
with  the  intelligence  that  the  advance  was  already 
within  twenty-five  miles  of  the  rebel  head-quarters. 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  "the  Confederacy  is  doomed; 
but  I  must  curb  the  advancing  impetuosity  of  these 
devoted  beings,  or  they'll  be  in  Canada  in  a  week.  I 
think,"  says  Yilliam,  calculatingly,  "  that  a  retreat 
would  bring  us  to  the  summer  residence  of  the  South 
ern  Confederacy  in  less  time." 

Here  another  messenger  came  in  from  the  Rich 
mond  storming  party,  and,  says  he  : 

"  The  advance  on  Richmond  has  failed  in  conse 
quence  of  the  shoes  furnished  by  the  United  States 
of  America.'' 

"  Ah  !"  says  Yilliam,  hastily  setting  down  a  goblet. 

"  Yes,"  says  the  chap,  mournfully,  "  them  air  shoes 
has  demoralized  Company  3,  which  is  advancing  back 
to  Paris  at  double-quick.  Them  shoes,"  says  the 
chap,  "  which  was  furnished  by  the  sons  of  Revolu 
tionary  forefathers  by  a  contractor,  at  only  twenty- 
five  dollars  a  pair  for  the  sake  of  the  Union,  has  caused 
a  fatal  mistake.  They  got  so  ragged  with  being  ex- 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  337 

posed  to  the  wind,  that  when  Company  3  hastily  put 
them  on  for  an  advance  on  Richmond,  they  got  the 
heels  in  front  and  have  been  going  in  the  wrong  direc 
tion  ever  since." 

"  Where  did  you  leave  your  comrades  ?"  says  Vil- 
liani. 

"  At  Joneses  Court  House,"  says  the  chap. 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  "  is  that  a  healthy  place  ?" 

"No,"  says  the  chap,  "it's  very  unhealthy — I  was 
drunk  all  the  time  I  was  there." 

"  I  see,"  says  Yilliam,  with  great  agitation,  "  my 
brave  comrades  are  in  a  tight  place.  Let  all  the 
newspaper  correspondents  be  ordered  to  leave  Paris 
at  once,"  says  Villiam  to  his  adjutants,  "  and  we'll 
take  measures  for  a  second  uprising  of  the  North." 

When  it  became  generally  known,  my  boy,  that 
Company  3,  Regiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade,  were 
falling  back  across  Duck  Lake,  there  was  great  agita 
tion  in  Government  circles,  and  the  general  of  the 
Mackerel  Brigade  prepared  to  call  out  all  persons 
capable  of  bearing  arms. 

"  The  Constitution  is  again  in  danger,"  says  the 
general,  impulsively,  "  and  we  must  appeal  to  the 
populace." 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  "  it  would  also  aid  our  holy 
cause  to  call  out  the  women  of  America.  For  the 
women  of  America,"  says  Villiam,  advisedly,  "  are 
capable  of  baring  arms  to  any  extent." 

15 


338  OKPHEUS   C.    KERB    PAPERS. 

"No  !"  says  the  general.  "  Woman's  place  in  this 
war  is  beside  the  couch  of  the  sick  soldier.  Thun 
der  !"  says  the  general,  genially,  "  it's  enough  to  make 
us  fonder  of  our  common  nature  to  see  the  devotion 
of  women  to  the  invalid  volunteer.  As  I  was  pass 
ing  through  the  hospital  just  now/'  says  the  general, 
feelingly,  "  I  saw  a  tender,  delicate  woman  acting 
the  part  of  a  ministering  angel  to  a  hero  in  a  hard 
ague.  She  was  fanning  him,  my  friend — she  was 
fanning  him." 

"Heaven  bless  her!"  says  Villiam,  with  streaming 
eyes  ;  "and  may  she  never  be  without  a  stove  when 
she  has  a  fever.  I  really  believe,"  says  Villiam,  glow 
ingly,  "  that  if  woman  found  her  worst  enemy,  even, 
burning  to  deatli,  she  would  heap  coals  of  fire  upon 
his  head." 

Villiam's  idea  of  heaping  coals  of  fire,  my  boy,  is 
as  literal  as  was  the  translation  of  Enoch. 

On  learning  of  the  repulse  from  Eichmond,  all  the 
Southern  Union  men  of  Paris  commenced  to  remem 
ber  that  the  rebels  are  our  brethren,  and  that  this 
war  was  wholly  brought  about  by  the  fiendish  aboli 
tionists. 

"Yes  !"  says  a,  patriotic  chap  from  Accomac,  sip 
ping  the  oath  loyally,  "  the  Abolitionists  brought 
this  here  war  about,  and  I  have  determined  not  to 
support  it.  Our  slaves  read  the  Tribune,  and  have 
learned  so  much  from  military  articles  in  that  paper 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  339 

that  the  very  life  of  the  South  depended  upon  separ 
ation/' 

In  fact,  my  boy,  notwithstanding  the  efforts  of 
Captain  Villiam  Brown  to  tranquillize  public  feeling 
by  seizing  the  telegraph  office  and  railroad  depot, 
telegraphing  to  everybody  he  knew  for.  reenforce- 
ments,  the  excitement  was  steadily  increasing,  until 
word  came  from  Company  3,  Regiment  5,  Mackerel 
Brigade,  that  no  enemy  had  been  in  sight  at  all. 

When  the  intelligence  was  brought  to  the  General 
of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  and  as  soon  as  the  band 
had  finished  serenading  him,  he  called  for  a  fresh 
tumbler,  and  says  he  : 

"  I  may  as  well  tell  you  at  once,  my  children,  that 
this  whole  matter  is  simply  a  part  of  my  plan  for 
bringing  this  unnatural  war  to  a  speedy  termination. 
Company  3  retired  by  my  design,  and — and — in  fact, 
my  children/'  says  the  general,  confidingly,  "  it's 
something  you  can't  understand — it's  strategy." 

Perhaps  it  was,  my  boy — perhaps  it  was  ;  for  there 
is  more  than  one  reason  to  believe  that  strategy  means 
military  shoes  with  the  heels  in  front. 

Yours,  cautiously, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


,    LETTER    XLIX. 

NOTING  THE  ARCHITECTURAL  EFFECTS  OF  THE  GOTHIC  STEED,  PEGASUS, 
AND  DESCRIBING  THE  MACKEREL  BRIGADE'S  SANGUINARY  ENGAGE 
MENT  WITH  THE  RICHMOND  REBELS. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  June  8th,  1862. 

ONCE  more,  my  boy,  the  summer  sun  lias  evoked 
long  fields  of  bristling  bayonets  from  the  seed  sown 
in  spring  tents,  and  the  thunder  of  the  shower  is 
echoed  by  the  roar  of  the  scowling  cannon.  Onward, 
right  onward,  sweeps  the  Sunset  Standard  of  the 
Kepublic,  to  plant  its  Hoses  and  its  Lilies  on  the  soil 
where  Treason  has  so  long  been  the  masked  reaper  ; 
to  epitaph  with  its  eternal  Violet  the  honored  battle- 
graves  of  the  heroic  fallen,  and  to  set  its  sleepless 
Stars  above  the  Southern  Cross  in  a  new  Heaven  of 
Peace. 

In  my  voyage  down  the  river,  to  witness  the  great 
battle  for  Kichniond,  I  took  my  frescoed  dog,  Bologna, 
and  my  gothic  steed,  Pegasus.  The  latter- architec 
tural  animal,  my  boy,  has  again  occasioned  an  optical 
mistake.  Being  of  a  melancholy  turn,  and  partaking 
somewhat  of  the  tastes  of  the  horrible  and  sepulchral 
German  Mind,  the  gothic  charger  has  peregrinated 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  341 

much  in  a  churchyard  near  Washington,  frequently 
standing  for  hours  in  that  last  resting-place,  lost  in 
profound  mortuary  contemplation,  to  the  great  admi 
ration  of  certain  vagrant  crows  in  the  atmosphere. 
On  such  occasions,  my  boy,  his  casual  pace  is,  if  pos 
sible,  rather  more  rcquiescat  in  "pace"  than  on  ordi 
nary  marches.  I  was  going  after  him  in  company 
with  a  religious  chap  from  Boston,  who  is  going  down 
South  to  see  about  the  contrabands  being  born  again, 
when  we  caught  sight  of  Pegasus,  in  the  distance. 
The  sagacious  architectural  stallion  had  just  ascended 
the  steps  leading  into  the  graveyard,  my  boy,  and 
presented  a  gothic  and  pious  appearance.  The  relig 
ious  chap  clutched  my  arm,  and  says  he  : 

"  How  beautiful  it  is,  my  fellow-sinner,  to  see  that 
simple  village  church,  resting  like  the  spirit  of  Peace 
in  the  midst  of  this  scene  of  war's  desolation." 

"  Why,  my  dear  Saint  Paul,"  says  I,  "  that's  my 
gothic  steed,  Pegasus." 

"Ahem!"  says  he.  "You  must  be  mistaken, 
my  poor  worm ;  for  I  can  see  half  way  down  the 
aisle." 

"  The  perspective,"  says  I,  "  is  simply  the  perspec 
tive  between  the  hind  legs  of  jthe  noble  creature,  and 
his  rear  elevation  deceives  you." 

"  Well,"  says  the  religious  chap,  grievously,  "  if 
you  ever  want  to  do  anything  for  the  missionary 
cause,  my  poor  lost  lamb,  just  skin  that  horse  and 


342 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 


and   let  me   have   his   frame  for  a  numble  chapel, 
wherein  to  convert  contrabands." 


EEQUIESCAT  IN  "PACE." 

ARCHITECTURAL  VIEW   OP  THE  GOTHIC  STEED,   PEUASUS — REAR  ELEVATION. 

On  my  way  down  the  Potomac  to  Paris,  my  boy, 
with  Pegasus  and  the  intelligent  dog  Bologna,  I  met 
Commodore  Head,  of  the  new  iron-plated  Mackerel 
fleet,  who  was  taking  his  swivel  Columbiad  to  a 
blacksmith,  to  have  the  touch-hole  repaired.  The 
Commodore  met  with  a  great  disappointment  at 
Washington,  my  boy.  He  ordered  the  great  military 
painter,  Patrick  de  la  Roach,  to  paint  him  a  portrait 
of  Secretary  Welles,  Cabinet  size.  When  the  picture 
came  home,  my  boy,  it  was  no  larger  than  a  twenty- 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERB   PAPERS.  343 

five-cent  piece,  frame  and  all ;  and  the  portrait  was 
hardly  perceptible  to  the  naked  eye. 

"Wedge  my  turret !"  says  the  Commodore,  in  his 
iron-plated  manner,  "  I  wouldn't  give  a  Galena  for 
such  a  picture  as  that.  What  did  you  make  it  so 
small  for,  you  daubing  cuss  ?" 

"  Didn't  you  want  it  Cabinet  size  ?"  says  the  artist. 

"  Batter  my  plates  !  of  course  I  did,"  says  the 
Commodore. 

"Well/'  says  the  artist,  earnestly,  "if  you  ever 
attended  a  Cabinet  meeting,  you'd  know  that  that 
is  exactly  the  Cabinet  size  of  the  Secretary  of  the 
Navy/' 

The  Commodore  related  this  to  me,  my  boy,  in  the 
interval  of  naval  criticisms  on  the  gothjc  Pegasus, 
whom  he  pronounced  as  incapable  of  being  hit  at 
right  angles  by  a  shell  as  the  Monitor.  "Explode  my 
hundred-pounder  !"  says  the  Commodore,  admiringly, 
"  I  don't  see  any  flat  surface  about  that  oat-crushing 
machine.  Perforate  my  armor,  if  I  do  !" 

A  great  battle  was  going  on  upon  the  borders  of 
Duck  Lake  when  we  reached  Paris,  my  boy,  and  on 
ambling  to  the  battle-field  with  my  steed  and  my  dog, 
I  found  the  Mackerel  Brigade  blazing  away  at  the  foe 
in  a  thunder-storm  and  vivid-lightning  manner. 

Captain  Villiam  Brown,  mounted  on  the  geomet 
rical  steed  Euclid,  to  whom  he  had  administered  a 
pinch  of  Macaboy  to  make  him  frisky — was  just  re- 


344  ORPHEUS   C.    KERB    PAPERS. 

ceiving  the  answer  of  an  orderly,  whom  he  htsr  sent 
to  demand  the  surrender  of  a  rebel  mud-work  in 
front. 

"Did  you  order  the  rebel  to  surrender  his  incen 
diary  establishment  to  the  United  States  of  Amer 
ica  ?"  says  Villiam,  majestically  returning  his  canteen 
to  his  bosom. 

"  I  did,  sire/'  says  the  Orderly,  gloomily. 

"  What  said  the  unnatural  scorpion  ?"  says  Villiam. 

"Well,"  says  the  Orderly,  "his  reply  was  almost 
sarcastic." 

"  Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  "  what  was't  ?" 

"  Why/'  says  the  Orderly,  sadly,  "  he  said  that  if 
I  didn't  want  to  see  a  dam  fool,  I'd  better  not  go  into 
a  store  where  they  sold  looking-glasses." 

"Ah!"  says  Villiam,  nervously  licking  a  cork; 
"  that  was  sarcastic.  Let  the  Orange  County  How 
itzers  push  to  the  front/'  says  Villiam,  excitedly, 
"and  we'll  shatter  the  Southern  Confederacy.  Hello  !" 
says  Villiam,  indignantly,  "Who  owns  that  owda- 
cious  dog  there  ?" 

I  looked,  my  boy,  and  behold  it  was  my  frescoed 
canine,  Bologna,  who  was  innocently  discussing  a 
bone  right  in  the  track  of  the  advancing  artillery.  I 
whistled  to  him,  my  boy,  and  he  loafed  dreamily 
toward  me. 

The  Orange  County  Howitzers  thundered  forward, 
and  then  hurled  an  infernal  tempest  of  shell  and  can- 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  345 

ister  into  the  horizon,  taking  the  roofs  off  of  two 
barns,  and  making  twenty-six  Confederate  old  maids 
deaf  for  life.  At  the  same  instant,  Ajack,  the  Mack 
erel  sharpshooter,  put  a  ball  from  his  unerring  rifle 
through  a  chicken-house  about  half  a  mile  distant, 
causing  a  variety  of  fowl  proceedings. 

"  Ah  !"  says  Yilliam,  critically,  "  the  angels  will 
have  to  get  a  new  sky,  if  the  artillery  practice  of  the 
United  States  of  America  keeps  on  much  longer/' 

Meantime  Company  2,  Begiment  5,  Mackerel  Brig 
ade,  was  engaging  the  enemy  some  distance  to  the 

•/ 

right,  under  Captain  Bob  Shorty;  and  now  UK  ro 
came  a  dispatch  from  that  gallant  officer  to  Villiam, 
thus  : 

"  The  Enemy's  Multiplication  is  too  much  for  my 
Division.  Send  me  some  more  Democrats. 

"  CAPTAIN  BOB  SHORTY/' 

"Ah!"  says  Yilliam,  "the  Anatomical  Cavalry 
and  the  Western  Centaurs  are  already  going  to  the 
rescue.  Blue  blazes !"  says  Villiam,  cholerically, 
"  Why  don't  that  blessed  dog  get  out  of  the  way  ?" 

I  looked,  my  boy,  and,  behold  !  it  was  my  frescoed 
canine,  Bologna,  calmly  reasoning  with  a  piece  of 
army  beef,  in  the  very  middle  of  the  field.  I  whistled, 
my  boy,  and  the  intelligent  animal  floated  toward  me 
with  subdued  tail. 

The  obstruction  being  removed,  the  Anatomicals 
15* 


346  ORPHEUS    C.    KERB   PAPERS. 

and  the  Centaurs  charged  gloriously  under  Colonel 
Wobert  Wobinson,  and  would  have  swept  the  South 
ern  Confederacy  from  the  face  of  the  earth,  had  not 
the  fiendish  rebels  put  a  load  of  hay  right  in  the 
middle  of  the  road.  To  get  the  horses  past  this  ob 
ject  was  impossible,  for  they  hadn't  seen  so  much 
forage  before  in  a  year. 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  contemplatively,  "I'm  afraid 
cavalry's  a  failure  in  this  here  unnatural  contest. 
Ha  !"  says  Villiam,  replacing  the  stopper  of  his  can 
teen,  and  quickly  looking  behind  him,  "  What  means 
this  spectacle  which  mine  eyes  observe  ?" 

A  cloud  of  dust  opened  near  us,  and  we  saw  Cap 
tain  Samyule  Sa-mith  rushing  right  into  head 
quarters,  followed  by  Company  6,  having  an  aged 
and  very  reliable  contraband  in  charge. 

"Samyule,  Samyule,"  says  Villiam,  fiercely,  "ex 
pound  why  you  leave  the  field  with  your  force,  at  this 
critical  period  in  the  history  of  the  United  States  of 
America  ?" 

"  I'm  supporting  the  Constitution,"  says  Samyule, 
breathlessly,  "I'm  a  conservative,  and — ."  Here 
Samyule  tumbled  over  something  and  fell  flat  on  his 
stomach. 

"  By  all  that's  blue  \"  says  Villiam,  frantically, 
"why  the  thunder  don't  somebody  shoot  that  un 
natural  dog  !" 

I  looked,  my  boy,  and  beheld  it  was  my  frescoed 


ORPHEUS    C.   KERR   PAPERS.  347 

canine,  Bologna,  who  had  run  between  the  legs  of 
the  fallen  warrior,  with  the  remains  of  a  captured 
Confederate  chicken.  I  whistled,  my  boy,  and  the 
faithful  creature  angled  towards  me  with  mitigated 
ears. 

"  I'm  supporting  the  Constitution,"  repeated  Sam- 
yule,  rising  to  his  feet  and  examining  a  small,  black 
bottle  to  see  if  anything  had  spilt,  "  I'm  a  conserva 
tive,  and  have  left  the  field  to  restore  this  here  mis 
guided  contraband  to  his  owner,  which  is  a  inoffensive 
rebel.  War,"  says  Samyule,  convincingly,  "  does  not 
affect  the  Constitution." 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  "that's  very  true.  Take  the 
African  chasseur  to  his  proper  master,  and  tell  him 
that  the  United  States  does  not  war  against  the  rights 
of  man/' 

Now  it  happened,  my  boy,  that  the  withdrawal  of 
this  force  to  carry  out  the  Constitution,  so  weakened 
the  Advance  Guard,  that  the  Southern  Confederacy 
commenced  to  gain  ground,  and  Villiam  was  obliged 
to  form  Company  3,  Kegiment  5,  in  line  immediately, 
for  a  charge  to  the  rescue.  He  got  the  splendid  corps 
to  leave  the  distillery  where  they  were  quartered,  for 
a  few  minutes,  and  says  he  : 

"  There's  beings  for  you,  my  nice  little  boy  \ 
Here's  veteran  centurions  for  you." 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  admiringly.  "  I  never  saw  so  many 
red  noses  together  before,  in  all  my  life." 


348  ORPHEUS    C.    KERB  .PAPERS. 

"  All  !"  says  Villiam,  dreamily,  <{  there's  nary  red 
about  them,  except  their  noses.  And  now/'  says 
Villiam,  "  you  will  see  me  lead  a  charge  destined  to 
cover  six  pages  in  the  future  history  of  our  distracted 
country/7 

"  Soldiers  of  the  Potomac  !"  says  Villiam,  draw 
ing  his  sword,  and  hastily  sharpening  it  on  the  left 
profile -of  his  geometrical  steed,  "your  comrades  are 
engaging  nine  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  demoralized 
and  routed  rebels,  and  you  are  called  upon  to  charge 
bayonets.  Follow  me." 

Not  a  man  moved,  my  boy.  Many  of  them  had 
families,  and  more  were  engaged  to  be  married  to 
the  women  of  America.  They  were  brave  but  not 
rash. 

Yilliarn  drew  his  breath,  and  says  he  :  "  The  United 
States  of  America,  born  on  the  Fourth  of  July,  1776, 
calls  upon  you  to  charge  bayonets,  Come  on,  my 
brave  flowers  of  manhood  !" 

Here  a  fearless  chap  stepped  out  of  the  ranks,  and 
says  he  :  "  In  consequence  of  the  heavy  dew  which 
fell  this  morning,  the  roads  is  impassable." 

Villiam  remained  silent,  my  boy,  and  drooped  his 
proud  head.  Could  nothing  induce  those  devoted 
patriots  to  strike  for  the  forlorn  hope  ?  Suddenly,  a 
glow  of  inspiration  came  over  his  face,  he  rose  in  his 
saddle  like  a  flash,  waved  his  sword  toward  the  foe, 
and  shouted — 


ORPHEUS    C.    KKRR    PAPERS.  349 

"  I  know  you  now,  my  veterans  !  The  day  is  hot, 
yonder  lies  our  road,  and — my  peerless  Napoleons/' 
said  Villiam,  frenziedly  : 

"COME  AND  TAKE  A  DRINK  \" 

In  an  instant  I  was  "blinded  with  a  cloud  of  dust, 
through  which  came  the  wild  tramp  and  fierce  hurrahs 
of  Company  3,  Regiment  5,  Mackerel  Brigade.  The 
appeal  to  their  finer  feelings  had  carried  them  by 
storm,  and  they  charged  like  the  double-extract  of  a 
compound  avalanche.  I  was  listening  to  their  cheers 
as  they  drove  the  demoralized  foe  before  them,  when 
a  political  chap  came  riding  post-haste  from  Paris, 
and  says  he  : 

"  How  many  voters  have  fallen  ?" 

Before  I  could  answer  him,  my  boy,  the  triumphant 
Mackerels  came  pouring  in,  just  in  time  to  meet  the 
General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade,  who  had  just  rode 
up  from  a  village  in  the  rear,  with  an  umbrella  over 
his  head  to  keep  off  the  sun." 

"  My  children,"  says  the  general,  kindly,  as  their 
shouts  fell  upon  his  ears,  "  you  have  sustained  me 
nobly  this  day,  and  we  will  enjoy  the  thanks  of  our 
grateful  country  together.  I  thank  you,  my  children." 

Here  the  political  chap  threw  up  his  hat,  and  says 
he  :  "  Hurroar  for  the  Union  !  My  fellow-beings," 
says  the  political  chap,  glowingly,  "  I  announce  the 
idolized  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  for  Presi 
dent  of  the  United  States  in  1865." 


350          ORPHEUS  C.  KERR  PAPERS. 

"  All  !"  says  Yilliam — he  would  have  said  more, 
but  at  that  moment  his  horse's  legs  became  entangled 
in  something,  and  both  horse  and  rider  went  to  grass. 
I  looked,  my  boy,  and  behold,  it  was  my  frescoed 
dog  Bologna,  who  had  run  against  the  geometrical 
steed  of  the  warrior  in  pursuit  of  an  army  biscuit.  I 
whistled,  my  boy,  and  the  docile  quadruped  shrunk 
toward  me  with  criminal  aspect. 

And  so,  the  unblest  cause  of  treason  has  received  a 
decisive  blow.  The  end  approaches  ;  but  I  can't  say 
which  end,  my  boy — I  can't  say  which  end. 

Yours,  martially, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER    L. 

REMARKING     UPON     A     PECULIARITY     OP    VIRGINIA,     AND    DESCRIBING 
COMMODORE   HEAD'S   GREAT   NAVAL   EXPLOIT   ON   DUCK   LAKE,    ETC. 

"\VASIIINGTOX,  D.  €.,  Juno  15th,  1S62. 

EARLY  in  the  week  I  trotted  to  the  other  side  of 
the  river  on  my  gothic  steed  Pegasus,  and  having  lent 
that  architectural  pride  of  the  stud  to  a  thoughtful 
individual,  who  wished  to  make  a  sketch  of  his  facade, 
I  took  a  branch  railroad  for  a  circuitous  passage  to 
Paris,  intending  to  make  one  stoppage  on  the  way. 
The  locomotive  was  about  two-saucepan  power,  my 
boy,  and  wheezed  like  a  New  York  Alderman  at  a 
free  lunch.  First  we  stopped  at  a  town  composed  of 
one  house,  and  that  was  a  depot. 

"What  place  is  this  ?"  says  I  to  my  fellow  pas 
senger,  who  was  the  conductor,  and  was  reading  the 
Tribune,  and  was  swearing  to  himself.  "It's  Mul 
ligan's  Court-House,  the  Capital  of  Sally  Ann 
County,"  says  he,  and  again  took  out  the  bill  I  had 
paid  my  fare  with  to  see  if  it  was  good. 

I  took  another  branch  road  here,  and  we  snailed 
along  to  another  town,  composed  of  a  wood-pile. 


352  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

"  What  place  is  this  ?"  says  I  to  my  fellow-traveller, 
the  brakeman.  "  It's  Abednego  Junction,  the  capi 
tal  of  Laura  Matilda  County/'  says  he,  sounding  my 
quarter  on  his  seal  ring  to  make  sure  that  it  was 
genuine.  Now,  as  London,  the  city  I  was  going  to, 
happened  to  the  capital  of  Anna  Maria  County,  my 
boy,  I  made  up  my  mind  that  the  sacred  soil  had  as 
many  metropolises  as  railways. 

"  Virginia,"  says  a  modern  Southern  giant  of  intel 
lect,  "is  one  grand  embodied  poem." 

I  believe  him,  my  boy  ;  for,  like  a  poem,  Virginia 
appears  to  have  a  capital  at  the  commencement  of 
every  line. 

Beaching  London,  and  brushing  past  a  crowd  of 
our  true  friends  the  contrabands,  whose  cries  of 
anguish  upon  hearing  that  I  had  brought  them  no 
plum-pudding,  were  truly  harrowing,  I  pushed  for 
ward  to  the  new  Union  paper,  the  London  Times, 
with  whose  editor  I  had  business. 

Just  as  I  entered  the  office,  my  boy,  there  rushed 
out  in  great  rage  an  exasperated  southern  Union 
man.  Having  no  gun  about  the  house  to  pick  off 
our  pickets  as  they  came  into  town,  he  borrowed  a 
barber's  pole  and  stuck  it  out  of  the  window,  pro 
claimed  himself  an  oppressed  Unionist,  had  a  meet 
ing  of  his  family  to  elect  him  to  the  United  States 
Congress  from  Anna  Maria  County,  and  made  a 
thrilling  Union  address  to  two  contrabands  from  his 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  353 

back-stoop.     He  wound  up  this  great  speech,  my  boy, 
by  saying : 

"  Young  men,  it  is  your  duty  to  fight  for  the  Union, 
which  has  caused  us  all  so  many  tears.  If  any  young 
man's  wife  would  fain  dissuade  him,  let  him  say  to 
her,  in  the  language  of  the  poet, 

"  '  I  could  not  love  thee,  dear,  so  much, 
Loved  I  not  Honor  more  I' " 

This  touching  peroration  was  sent  in  manuscript 
to  the  London  Times,  and  this  is  the  way  it  appeared 
in  that  intellectual  American  journal : 

"  Young  hen,  it  is  your  duty  to  fight  for  the  Onion, 
which  has  caused  us  all  so  many  tears.  If  any  young 
man's  wife  would  fain  dissuade  him,  let  him  say  to 
her,  in  the  language  of  the  poet : 

"  '  I  could  not  love  thee,  dear,  so  much, 
Loved  I  not  Hannah  More.'  " 

When  the  southern  Union  man  read  this  twistifi- 
cation,  he  put  his  paper  where  his  wife  couldn't  see 
it  (she  being  a  very  jealous  woman),  and  went  out  to 
cowhide  the  editor.  He  cowhided  him,  by  frantically 
placing  the  cowhide  in  the  editor's  hands,  and  then 
running  his  back  repeatedly  against  the  weapon.  Ty 
pographical  eiTors  have  a  unique  effect  in  reports 
of  killed  and  wounded,  my  boy  ;  but  they  knock  the 
Promethean  blaze  out  of  eloquence. 

Having  transacted  my  business  with  the  editor,  and 


354  ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

read  a  dispatch,  just  received  from  a  Gentleman  of 
Eminence,  stating  that  Beauregard,  who  was  at  Oko- 
lonna,  had  a  force  of  120,000  men  ;  but  that  Halleck 
would  probably  succeeed  in  putting  the  entire  80,000 
to  flight  before  Beauregard  could  return  from  Kich- 
mond ;  though  it  was  currently  reported  that  the 
rebels  were  sixty  thousand  strong,  and  General  Pope 
must  be  expeditious  if  he  wanted  to  capture  the  whole 
10,000  before  General  Beauregard  got  back  from  the 
Shenandoah  valley ;  I  turned  to  the  editor,  and 
says  I : 

"  How  does  newspaper  business  pay  now,  my  gifted 
Censor  ?" 

He  sighed,  as  he  shoved  a  demijohn  further  under 
his  desk,  and  says  he  : 

"  There's  only  one  newspaper  in  the  world  that  pays 
now,  sonny : 

"  What's  that  ?"  says  I. 

"  The  Paris  Pays,"  says  he. 

I  left  him  immediately,  my  boy.  Ordinary  de 
pravity  don't  affect  me,  for  I  have  known  several 
Congressmen  in  my  time  ;  but  I  can't  stand  abnor 
mal  iniquity. 

Arriving  at  Paris  I  found  that  a  recent  shower  had 
made  Duck  Lake  navigable,  and  Commodore  Head 
was  preparing  his  fleet  to  attack  a  secession  squadron, 
which-  some  covert  rebel  had  built  during  the  night 
for  the  purpose  of  annoying  the  Mackerels  in  Paris. 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  355 

"  Batter  my  plates  !"  says  the  commodore,  clioler- 
ically,  "  I  could  capture  that  poor  cuss  easily,  if  I 
only  had  a  proper  pilot." 

As  Duck  Lake  is  only  about  four  yards  wide  at  a 
freshet,  my  boy,  your  ignorance  may  suggest  no  suffi 
cient  reason  for  a  pilot  in  such  a  case  ;  but  you  are 
no  martial  manner,  my  boy. 

Luckily  the  man  for  the  place  was  at  hand.  On 
Wednesday,  a  glossy  contraband,  in  a  three-story 
shirt-collar,  and  looking  like  a  fountain  of  black  ink 
with  a  strong  wind  blowing  against  it,  came  into  Paris, 
and  surrendered* to  Captain  Yilliam  Brown. 

"  Ha  !"  says  Yilliam,  replacing  the  newspaper  that 
had  just  blown  off  from  two  lemons  and  a  wicker  flask 
on  the  table,  "  what  says  our  cousin  Africa  ?" 

"  Mars'r  Vandal,"  says  the  faithful  black,  earnestly, 
"  I  hab  important  news  to  combobicate.  I  knows  all 
de  secrets  of  de  rebel  Scratchetary  of  the  Navy.  True 
as  you  lib,  Mars'r  Vandal,  so  help  me  gad,  I'se  de 
coachman  of  de  pirate  Sumter." 

"Ah  !"  says  Villiam,  cautiously,  "  tell  me,  blessed 
shade,  what  has  a  coachman  got  to  drive  on  board  a 
vessel  ?" 

The  true-hearted  contraband  modestly  eyed  a  won 
der  of  the  insect  kingdom  which  he  had  just  removed 
from  his  hair,  and  says  he  : 

"  I  drove  de  ingine,  mars'r." 

That  was  enough,  my  boy.     Having  learned  from 


356  ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

this  intelligent  creature  what  the  rebel  Secretary  was 
going  to  have  for  dinner  next  Sunday,  and  what  the 
Secretary's  wife  said  in  her  letter  to  her  mother, 
Villiam  ordered  him  to  act  as  pilot  on  the  Mackerel 
Fleet. 

And  now  let  me  draw  a  long  breath  before  I  at 
tempt  to  describe  that  terrific  and  sanguinary  naval 
engagement,  which  proved  conclusively  what  Europe 
may  expect,  if  Europe  bother  us  with  any  more  bigodd 
nonsense. 

Having  ballasted  with  mortar,  my  boy,  to  seem 
more  naval,  the  unblushing  commodore  mounted  his 
swivel-gun  at  the  bow  of  the  Mackerel  Fleet,  and 
selected  for  his  gunner  and  crew  a  middle-aged  Mack 
erel  chap,  whose  great  fondness  for  fresh  fish  made 
him  invaluable  for  ocean  service. 

"  Crack  my  turret !"  says  the  commodore,  as  the 
Fleet  pushed  off  amid  the  cheers  of  Company  4, 
Kegiment  1,  Mackerel  Brigade  ;  "  I'll  take  that  craft 
by  compound  fracture.  Belay  the  starboard  ram 
there,  you  salamander,  and  take  a  reef  in  the  grating. 
Up  with  the  signal — two  strips  of  pig  iron  rampant, 
with  a  sheet  of  tin  in  the  middle/' 

All  this  was  splendidly  performed  by  the  crew,  my 
boy,  who  trimmed  the  rudder,  did  the  rowing,  and 
tended  the  gun— all  at  once.  The  craft  fairly  flew 
through  the  water  in  the  direction  of  the  rebel  craft, 
whose  horse-pistol  amidship  still  remained  silent. 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERB   PAPERS.  357 

It  was  an  awfully  terrific  and  sublime  sight,  my 
boy.  I  shall  never  forget  it,  my  boy,  if  I  live  till  I 
perish. 

The  faithful  colored  pilot  sat  in  the  stern  of  the 
Fleet,  examining  some  silver  spoons  which  he  had 
found  somewhere  in  the  Southern  Confederacy,  and 
we  could  see  the  noble  old  commodore  mixing  some 
thing  that  steamed  in  the  fore-sheets. 

Two  seconds  had  now  passed  since  our  flotilla  had 
started,  and  the  hostile  squadrons  were  rubbing  against 
each  other.  We  were  expecting  to  see  our  navy  go 
through  some  intricate  manoeuvre  before  boarding, 
when  the  Mackerel  crew  accidentally  dropped  a  spark 
from  his  pipe  on  the  touch-hole  of  the  swivel ;  and 
bang  !  went  that  horrid  engine  of  destruction,  send 
ing  some  pounds  of  old  nails  right  square  into  the 
city  of  Paris. 

Simultaneously,  four-and- twenty  foreign  Consuls 
residing  near  Paris  got  up  a  memorial  to  Commodore 
Head,  protesting  against  any  more  firing  while  any 
foreigners  remained  in  the  country,  and  declaring 
that  the  use  of  gunpowder  was  an  outrage  on  civil 
ized  warfare  and  the  rights  of  man.  They  tied  a 
stone  to  this  significant  document  and  threw  it  to 
Commodore  Head,  who  instantly  put  the  Mackerel 
crew  on  half  rations  and  forbid  smoking  abaft  the 
big  gun. 

Meanwhile  the  enemy  had  wounded  our  brave  pilot 


358  ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS. 

on  the  shins  with  his  oar,  and  exploded  his  horse- 
pistol  in  an  undecided  direction,  with  such  dreadful 
concussion  that  every  glass  in  Commodore  Head's 
spectacles  was  broken. 

It  was  at  this  dreadful  crisis  of  the  fight  that  the 
gay  Mackerel  crew  leaned  over  the  side  of  our  fleet, 
placed  one  hand  on  the  inside  of  the  enemy's  squad 
ron,  and  with  the  other,  regardless  of  the  shower  of 
old-bottles  and  fish-bones  flying  about  him,  deliber 
ately  bored  a  small  hole,  with  a  gimlet,  through  the 
bottom  of  the  adversary.  At  about  the  same  moment 
the  commodore  touched  off  the  swivel-gun  at  the 
enemy's  rudder,  and  threw  one  of  his  boots  against 
the  rear  stomach  of  the  rebel  captain. 

This  sickening  carnage  might  have  lasted  five  min 
utes  longer,  had  not  the  Confederate  squadron  sunk 
in  consequence  of  the  gimlet-hole.  Down  went  the 
doomed  craft  of  unblest  treason,  and  in  another 
moment  the  officer  and  crew  of  her  were  in  the  water, 
which  reached  nearly  to  their  knees,  imploring  our 
fleet  not  to  let  them  drown. 

Oh,  that  sight  !  the  thrilling  yet  terrifying  and 
agonizing  grandeur  of  that  dreadful  moment  !  shall 
I  ever  forget  it — ever  cease  to  hear  those  cries  ring 
ing  in  mine  ears  ?  I'm  afraid  not,  my  boy — I'm 
afraid  not. 

The  Commodore  rescued  the  sufferers  from  a  wa 
tery  grave  ;  and  having  been  privately  informed  by 


ORPHEUS   C.   KERR   PAPERS.  359 

them  that  the  South  might  be  conquered,  but  never 
overcome,  brought  them  ashore  by  the  collars. 

Need  I  describe  how  our  noble  old  nautical  sea-dog 
was  received  by  the  Mackerel  Brigade  ?  need  I  tell 
how  the  band  whipped  out  his  key-bugle  and  played 
all  the  triumphant  airs  of  our  distracted  country,  and 
several  original  cavatinas  ? 

But,  alas  !  my  boy,  this  iron-plate  business  is  tak 
ing  all  the  romance  out  of  the  navy.  How  different 
is  the  modern  from 

THE  ANCIENT   CAPTAIN. 

The  smiles  of  an  evening  were  shed  on  the  sea, 
And  its  wave-lips  laughed  through  their  boardings  of  foam ; 

And  the  eyes  of  an  evening  were  mirrored  beneath 
The  shroud  of  the  ship  and  her  home. 

And  as  Time  knows  an  end,  so  that  sea  knew  a  shore, 

Afar  in  a  beautiful,  tropical  clime, 
Where  Love  with  the  Lifo  of  each  being  is  blent, 

In  a  soft,  psychological  Rhyme. 

Oh,  grand  was  the  shore,  when  deserted  and  still 
It  breasted  the  silver-mailed  hosts  of  the  Deep ! 

And  like  the  last  bulwark  of  Nature  it  seemed, 
'Twixt  Death  and  an  Innocent's  sleep. 

But  grander  it  was  to  the  eyes  of  a  knight, 
"When  clad  in  his  armor  he  stood  on  the  sands, 

And  held  to  his  bosom  its  essence  of  Life — 
An  heiress  of  titles  and  lands. 

Ah}  fondly  he  gazed  on  the  face  of  the  maid  I 
And  blush-spoken  fondness  replied  to  his  look ; 

"While  heart  answered  heart  with  a  feverish  beat, 
And  hand  pressed  the  hand  that  it  took. 


360  ORPHEUS  c.  KERR  PAPERS. 

"  Fair  lady  of  mine,"  said  the  knight,  stooping  low, 

"  Before  I  depart  for  the  banquet  of  Death, 
I  crave  a  new  draught  from  tho  fountain  of  Life, 
Whose  waters  are  all  in  thy  breath. 

"  The  breast  that  is  filled  with  thine  image  alone, 

May  safely  defy  the  dread  tempest  of  steel ; 
For  while  ail  its  thoughts  are  of  love  and  of  thee, 
What  peril  of  Self  can  it  feel?" 

He  paused ;  and  the  silence  that  followed  his  words, 
Was  spread  like  a  Hope,  'twixt  a  Dream  and  a  Truth ; 

And  in  it,  his  fancy  created  a  world 
Wrought  out  of  the  dreams  of  his  youth. 

Then  shadows  crept  over  the  beautiful  face 

Turned  up  to  the  sky  in  the  pale  streaming  light, 

As  shadows  sweep  over  the  orient  pearl, 
Far  down  in  the  river  at  night. 

"You're  going,"  she  said,  "  whore  the  fleets  are  in  leash, 
Where  plumed  is  a  knight  for  each  wave  of  the  sea; 
Yet  all  the  wide  Ocean  shall  have  but  One  wave, 
One  ship  and  One  sailor  for  me  1" 

He  left  her,  as  leaveth  tho  god  of  a  dream 

The  portals  that  close  with  a  heavier  sleep ; 
And  then,  as  he  sprang  to  the  shallop  in  wait, 

The  rowers  pushed  off  in  the  Deep. 

When  a  captain  leaves  his  lady-fair  nowadays,  my 
boy,  he's  not  an  economical  man  if  he  don't  destroy 
his  life-insurance  policy,  and  defer  making  his  will. 
Yours,  navally, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTER  II. 

GIVING    DUE    PROMINENCE     ONCE    MORE    TO    THE    CONSERVATIVE  ELE 
MENT,    NOTING    A    CAT-AND-DOG     AFFAIR,    AND     REPORTING     CAPTAIN 

BOB  SHORTY'S  FORAGING  EXPEDITION. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  June  23d,  1862. 

NOT  wishing  to  expire  prematurely  of  inanity,  my 
boy,  I  started  again  last  Sunday  for  Paris,  where  I 
took  up  my  quarters  with  a  dignified  conservative 
chap  from  the  Border  States,  who  came  on  for  the 
express  purpose  of  informing  the  Executive  that 
Kentucky  is  determined  this  war  shall  be  carried  on 
without  detriment  to  the  material  interests  of  the 
South,  otherwise  Kentucky  will  not  be  answerable 
for  herself.  Kentucky  has  married  into  the  South, 
and  has  relations  there  which  she  refuses  to  sacrifice. 
What  does  the  Constitution  say  about  Kentucky  ? 
Why,  it  don't  say  anything  about  her.  "  Which  is 
clear  proof,"  says  the  conservative  chap,  violently, 
"  that  Kentucky  is  expected  to  take  care  of  herself. 
Kentucky/'  says  he,  buttoning  his  vest  over  the 
handle  of  his  bowie-knife.  "  Kentucky  will  stand  no 
nonsense  whatsomever.'' 

16 


362  OKPHEUS    C.    KEBR   PAPERS. 

I  have  much,  respect  for  Kentucky,  my  boy  ;  they 
play  a  good  hand  of  Old  Sledge  there,  and  train  up  a 
child  in  the  way  he  should  go  fifty  better  ;  but  Ken 
tucky  reminds  me  of  a  chap  I  once  knew  in  the  Sixth 
Ward.  This  chap  hired  a  room  with  another  chap, 
and  the  two  were  engaged  in  the  dollar-jewelry 
business.  Their  stock  in  trade  was  more  numerous 
than  valuable,  my  boy,  and  a  man  couldn't  steal  it 
without  suffering  a  most  painful  swindle  ;  but  the 
two  dilapidates  were  all  the  time  afraid  of  thieves  ; 
and  at  last,  when  a  gentleman  of  suspicious  aspect 
moved  into  the  lower  part  of  the  house,  and  flavored 
his  familiar  conversation  with  such  terms  as  "  swag," 
"kinchin,"  and  "coppers,"  the  second  chap  insisted 
upon  buying  a  watch-dog.  The  first  chap  said  he 
didn't  like  dogs,  but  if  his  partner  thought  they'd 
better  have  one,  he  would  not  object  to  his  buying 
it.  The  second  chap  bought  a  sausagacious  animal 
in  white  and  yellow,  my  boy — an  animal  covered 
with  bark  that  pealed  off  in  large  pieces  all  night 
long.  The  first  chap  found  he  couldn't  sleep  much, 
and  says  he  : 

"If  you  don't  kill  that  ere  stentorian  beast  we'll 
have  to  dissolve  pardnership." 

His  partner  took  a  thoughtful  chew  of  tobacco,  and 
says  he  : 

"  That  intelligent  dorg  is  a  defending  of  your  prop 
erty  as  well  as  mine,  and  if  we  put  up  with  his  strains 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  363 

a  little  while  longer,  the  chap  clown  stairs  will  under 
stand  the  hint  and  make  friends/' 

With  that  the  first  chap  flamed  up,  and  says  he  : 

"  I  sold  a  breast-pin  to  the  chap  down  stairs  the 
other  day,  and  found  out  that  he  considers  the  dollar- 
jewelry  business  the  same  by  nature  as  his  own.  I'm 
beginning  to  think  we  misjudged  him,  and  I  can't 
have  no  dog  kept  here  to  worry  him.  Our  lease  of 
these  here  premises  don't  say  anything  about  keeping 
a  dog,"  says  the  chap,  reflectively,  "  nor  our  articles 
of  pardnership,  and  I  refuse  to  sanction  the  dog  any 
longer." 

So  the  dog  was  sent  to  the  pound,  my  boy,  and 
that  same  night  the  burglarious  gentleman  down 
stairs  walked  off  with  the  dollar-jewelry,  in  company 
with  the  first  chap,  leaving  the  poor  second  chap  to 
make  himself  uselessly  disagreeable  at  the  police-office, 
and  set  up  an  apple-stand  for  support. 

Far  be  it  from  me,  my  boy,  to  say  that  certain 
Border  States  are  like  the  first  chap  ;  but  if  Uncle 
Sam  should  happen  to  be  the  second  chap  let  him 
hold  on  to  the  watch-dog. 

Speaking  of  dogs,  I  must  tell  you  about  a  felis-itous 
canine  incident  that  occurred  while  I  was  at  Paris. 
Early  one  morning,  the  Kentucky  chap  and  I  were 
awakened  by  a  great  noise  in  the  hall  outside  our 
door.  Presently  an  aged  and  reliable  contraband 
stuck  his  head  into  the  room,  and  says  hr*  : 


364  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

"I  golly,  mars'r,  dar's  a  big  fight  goin'  on  in  dis 
yar  place/' 

At  the  word,  my  boy,  we  both  sprang  up  and  went 
to  the  door,  from  whence  we  beheld  one  of  those  oc 
currences  but  too  common  in  this  dreadful  war  of 
brother  against  brother. 

Face  to  face  in  the  hall  stood  my  frescoed  dog, 
Bologna,  and  the  regimental  cat  Lord  Mortimer,  eye 
ing  each  other  with  looks  of  deadly  hatred  and  em 
bittered  animosity.  High  in  air  curved  the  back  of 
the  enraged  Mortimer,  and  his  whiskers  worked  with 
intense  wrath  ;  whilst  the  eloquent  tail  of  the  infu 
riated  Bologna  shot  into  the  atmosphere  like  a  living 
flag-staff. 

"Oh-h-li !  How-now  ?"  ejaculated  Bologna,  throw 
ing  out  his  nose  to  reconnoitre  the  enemy's  first  line. 

"  'Sdeath. ! — 'Sdeath  !"  hastily  retorted  Mortimer, 
skirmishing  along  in  his  first  parallel  with  spasmodic 
clawing. 

And  now,  my  boy,  commenced  a  series  of  scientific 
manoeuvres  that  only  Russell,  of  the  London  Times, 
could  describe  properly.  Lord  Mortimer  advanced 
circularly  to  the  attack  in  four  columns,  affrighting 
the  air  with  horrid  yells  of  defiance  ;  and  I  noticed, 
with  a  feeling  of  mysterious  awe,  that  his  eyes  had 
turned  a  dreadful  and  livid  green,  whilst  an  expres 
sion  of  inexpressible  bitterness  overspread  his  coun 
tenance. 


ORPHEUS    C.    KERR   PAPERS.  365 

Fathoming  the  enemy's  plan  at  a  glance,  Bologna 
presented  his  front  and  rear  divisions  alternately,  to 
distract  the  fire  of  the  foe  ;  and  then,  by  a  rapid  and 
skillful  flank  movement,  cut  off  a  portion  of  Lord 
Mortimer's  tail  from  the  main  body. 

This  reminded  me  of  General  Mitchell's  tactics, 
my  boy. 

Here  the  conservative  Kentucky  chap  wanted  to 
stop  the  fight.  Says  he  : 

"  Mortimer  will  be  forever  alienated  if  he  loses  any 
more  of  his  tail.  I  protest  against  the  dog's  teeth," 
says  he  ;  "  for  they'll  render  future  reconciliation  be 
tween  the  two  impossible.  Let  him  use  his  paws 
alone,"  says  the  conservative  chap,  reasoningly,  "  and 
he  won't  injure  Mortimer's  constitution  so  much. 

"  You're  too  late  with  your  talk  about  conciliation, 
my  noble  Cicero/'  says  I.  "  It's  the  cat's  nature  to 
show  affection  for  his  young  ones,  even,  by  licking 
them,  and  Mortimer  will  never  be  convinced  that  Bo 
logna  cares  for  him  until  he  has  been  soundly  licked 
by  him." 

"Ah— well,"  says  the  Kentucky  chap,  vaguely, 
"  let  hostilities  proceed." 

Finding  that  the  enemy  had  cut  off  a  portion  of 
his  train  in  the  rear,  Mortimer  quickly  massed  his 
four  columns  and  precipitated  them  upon  the  head 
of  Bologna's  two  front  divisions,  succeeding  in  de- 


366  ORPHEUS    C.    KE1UI    PAPEUS. 

stroying  a  bark  half  launched,  and  driving  him  back 
four  feet. 

"  Hurroar  for  Mortimer  !"  says  the  Kentucky 
chap  ;  and  then  he  burst  into  the  Conservative  Vir 
ginia  National  Anthem  : 

"  John  Smith's  body  lies  a-mouldering  in  the  grave, 
'Twas  him  that  Pocahontas  risked  her  father's  wrath  to  save ; 
And  unto  old  Virginia  certain  Chivalry  she  gave, 
That  still  go  scalping  on !" 

"Calm  your  exultation,  my  impulsive  Catiline/' 
says  I,  "  and  behold  the  triumph  of  Bologna.''' 

Undaunted  by  the  last  claws  of  the  foe's  argument, 
my  boy,  the  frescoed  dog  hurled  back  the  torrent  of 
invasion,  and,  with  a  howl  of  triumph,  charged  head 
long  upon  Mortimer's  works,  routing  the  foe,  who 
retreated  under  cover  of  a  cloud  of  fur. 

I  looked  at  the  conservative  Kentucky  chap,  my 
boy,  and  I  could  see  by  his  expression  that  it  would 
be  useless  for  me  to  ask  of  him  a  contribution  toward 
rewarding  Bologna  with  a  star-spangled  kennel.  He 
still  felt  neutral,  my  boy 

I  had  intended  to  remain  in  Paris  all  the  week  ; 
but  on  receiving  a  telegraphic  dispatch  from  the  Gen 
eral  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  to  attend  a  Strawberry 
Festival  he  was  about  to  give  in  this  city,  I  hastened 
hither.  For  I  am  very  fond  of  the  gay  and  festive 
strawberry,  my  boy,  on  account  of  its  resemblance  to 
one  of  the  hues  in  our  distracted' banner. 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS.  367 

The  Strawberry  Festival  was  given  in  an  upper 
room  at  AVillard's,  and  the  arrangement  of  the  fruit 
would  have  provoked  an  appetite  in  a  marble  statue. 
At  short  intervals  around  the  table  were  strawberries 
in  fours,  supported  by  pedestals  of  broken  ice,  which 
was  kept  in  position  by  a  fluid  of  pleasing  color,  and 
walled  in  by  a  circular  edging  of  thin  glass.  Strips 
of  lemon  and  oranges  garnished  the  rich  fruit,  and 
from  their  midst  sprang  up  a  dainty  mint  plant,  and 
a  graceful  hollow  straw. 

When  the  festival  was  in  full  operation,  my  boy, 
the  General  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  arose  to  his 
feet,  and  waved  his  straw  for  silence.  Says  he  : 

"  My  children,  though  this  strawberry  festival  is 
ostensibly  for  the  purpose  of  encouraging  fruit  cul 
ture  by  the  United  States  of  America,  it  has  yet  a 
deeper  purpose.  The  democratic  party/'  says  the 
general,  paternally,  "  is  about  to  be  born  again,  and 
it  is  time  to  make  preparation  for  the  next  Presiden 
tial  election  in  1865.  I  must  go  to  Albany  and 
Syracuse,  and  see  the  State  Conventions  ;  after  which 
I  must  attend  to  the  re-organization  of  the  party  in 
New  York  city.  Then  I  go  to  Pennsylvania  to  do 
stump  duty  for  a  year  ;  and  from  thence,  to — " 

Here  a  serious  chap,  who  had  taken  rather  too 
much  Strawberry  Festival,  looked  up,  and  says  he  : 

"  But  how  about  the  war  all  that  time  ?" 

"  The  war !— the  war  I"  says  the  general,  thought- 


368  OKPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

fully.  "  Thunder  !"  says  the  general,  with  such  a 
start  that  he  spilt  some  of  his  Festival,  "  I'd  really 
forgotten  all  about  the  war  !" 

"  Hum  !"  says  the  serious  chap,  gloomily,  "  you're 
worth  millions  to  a  suffering  country — you  are." 

"Flatterer!"  says  the  general  blandly. 

"  Yes,"  says  the  chap,  "  you're  worth  millions — • 
with  a  hundred  per  cent  off  for  cash." 

In  vino  ver-itas  is  a  sage  old  saying,  my  boyj  and  I 
take  it  to  be  a  free  translation  of  the  Scripture  phrase, 
"  In  spirit  and  in  truth." 

Our  brigadiers  are  so  frequently  absent-minded 
themselves,  my  boy,  that  they  are  not  particularly 
absent-minded  by  the  rest  of  the  army. 

Upon  quitting  the  Strawberry  Festival  I  returned 
post-haste  again  to  Paris,  where  I  arrived  just  in  time 
to  start  with  Captain  Bob  Shorty  and  a  company  from 
the  Conic  Section  of  the  Mackerel  Brigade  on  a  forag 
ing  expedition.  We  went  to  look  up  a  few  straw- 
beds  for  the  feeding  of  the  Anatomical  Cavalry  horses, 
my  boy,  and  the  conservative  Kentucky  chap  went 
along  to  see  that  we  did  not  violate  the  Constitution 
nor  the  rights  of  man. 

"  It's  my  opinion,  comrade,"  says  Captain  Bob 
Shorty,  as  we  started  out — "  it's  my  opinion,  my 
Union  ranger,  that  this  here  unnatural  war  is  getting 
worked  down  to  a  very  fine  point,  when  we  can't  go 
out  for  an  armful  of  forage  without  taking  the  Con- 


ORPHEUS  C.   KERR   PAPERS.    -  369 

stitution  along  on  an  ass.  I  think/'  says  Captain 
Bob  Shorty,  "  that  the  Constitution  is  as  much  out 
of  place  here  as  a  set  of  fancy  harness  would  be  in 
a  drove  of  wild  buffaloes/' 

Can  such  be  the  case,  my  boy — can  such  be  the 
case  ?  Then  did  our  [Revolutionary  forefathers  live 
in  vain. 

Having  moved  along  in  gorgeous  cavalcade  until 
about  noon,  we  stopped  at  the  house  of  a  First  Fam 
ily  of  Virginia  who  were  just  going  to  dinner.  Cap 
tain  Bob  Shorty  ordered  the  Mackerels  to  stack  arms 
and  draw  canteens  in  the  front-door  yard,  and  then 
we  entered  the  domicil  and  saluted  the  domestic 
mass-meeting  in  the  dining-room. 

"  We  come,  sir,"  says  Bob,  addressing  the  vener 
able  and  high-minded  Chivalry  at  the  head  of  the 
table,  "  to  ask  you  if  you  have  any  old  straw-beds 
that  you  don't  want,  that  could  be  used  for  the  cav 
alry  of  the  United  States  of  America." 

The  Chivalry  only  paused  long  enough  to  throw  a 
couple  of  pie-plates  at  us,  and  then  says  he  : 

"  Are  you  accursed  abolitionists  ?" 

The  conservative  Kentucky  chap  stepped  hastily 
forward,  and  says  he  : 

No,  my  dear  sir,  we  are  the  conservative  ele 
ment." 

The  Chivalry's  venerable  wife,  who  was  a  female 
Southern  Confederacy,  leaned  back  a  little  in  her 
16* 


370  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

chair,  so  that  her  little  son  could  see  to  throw  a  tea 
cup  at  me,  and  says  she  : 

"  You  ain't  Tribune  reporters — be  you  ?" 

"  We  were  all  noes  and  no  ayes.  Quite  a  feature 
in  social  intercourse,  my  boy. 

The  aged  Chivalry  caused  three  fresh  chairs  to  be 
placed  at  the  table,  and  having  failed  to  discharge 
the  fowling-piece  which  he  had  pointed  at  Captain 
Bob  Shorty,  by  reason  of  dampness  in  the  cap,  he 
waved  us  to  seats,  and  says  he  : 

"  Sit  down,  poor  hirelings  of  a  gorilla  despot,  and 
learn  what  it  is  to  taste  the  hospitality  of  a  Southern 
gentleman.  You  are  Lincoln  hordes,"  says  the  Chiv 
alry,  shaking  his  white  locks,  "  and  have  come  to 
butcher  the  Southern  Confederacy  ;  but  the  Southern 
gentleman  knows  how  to  be  courteous,  even  to  a  van 
dal  foe." 

Here  the  Chivalry  switched  out  a  cane  which  he 
had  concealed  behind  him,  and  made  a  blow  at  Cap 
tain  Bob  Shorty. 

"  See  here,"  says  Bob,  indignantly,  "  I'll  be—" 

"  Hush  !"  says  the  conservative  Kentucky  chap, 
agitatedly,  "  don't  irritate  the  old  patriarch,  or 
future  amicable  reconstruction  of  the  Union  will  be 
out  of  the  question.  He  is  naturally  a  little  pro 
voked  just  now,"  says  the  Kentucky  chap,  sooth 
ingly,  "but  we  must  show  him  that  we  are  his 
friends." 


ORPHEUS   C.   KEBR   PAPERS.  371 

We  all  sat  down  in  peace  at  the  hospital  board, 
my  boy,  only  a  few  sweet  potatoes  and  corn-cobs 
being  thrown  by  the  children,  and  found  the  fare  to 
be  in  keeping  with  the  situation  of  our  distracted 
country — I  may  say,  war-fare. 

"  In  consequence  of  the  blockade  of  the  Washing 
ton  Ape,"  says  the  Chivalry,  pleasantly,  "we  only 
have  one  course,  you  see  ;  but  even  these  last-year's 
sweet  potatoes  must"  be  luxuries  to  mercenary  mud 
sills  accustomed  to  husks/' 

I  had  just  reached  out  my  plate,  to  be  helped,  my 
boy,  when  there  came  a  great  noise  from  the  Mack 
erels  in  the  front  door-yard. 

"  What's  that  ?"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty. 

"  0,  nothing,"  says  the  female  Confederacy,  taking 
another  bite  of  hoe-cake,  "  I've  only  told  one  of  the 
servants  to  throw  some  hot  water  on  your  reptile 
hirelings." 

As  Captain  Bob  Shorty  turned  to  thank  her  for 
her  explanation,  and  while  his  plate  was  extended,  to 
be  helped,  the  aged  Chivalry  fired  a  pistol  at  him 
across  the  table,  the  ball  just  grazing  his  head  and 
entering  the  wall  behind  him. 

"  By  all  that's  blue,"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty, 
excitedly,  "  now  I'll  be—" 

"  Be  calm— now,  be  calm,"  says  the  conservative 
Kentucky  chap,  hastily,  "  don't  I  tell  you  that  it's 
only  natural  for  the  good  old  soul  to  be  a  little  pro- 


372  ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS. 

voked  ?  If  you  go  to  irritate  him,  we  can  never  live 
together  as  brethren  again/' 

Matters  being  thus  rendered  pleasant,  my  boy,  we 
quickly  finished  the  simple  meal ;  and  as  Captain 
Bob  Shorty  warded  off  the  carving-knife  just  thrown 
at  him  by  the  Chivalry's  little  son,  he  turned  to  the 
female  Confederacy,  and  says  he  : 

"  Many  thanks  for  your  kind  hospitality  ;  and 
now  about  that  straw  bed  ?" 

The  Virginia  matron  threw  the  vinegar-cruet  at 
him,  and  says  she  : 

"  My  servants  have  already  given  one  to  your  scor 
pions,  you  nasty  Yankee." 

"  Of  course/'  says  the  venerable  Chivalry,  just 
missing  a  blow  at  me  with  a  bowie-knife,  "  of  course, 
your  despicable  Government  will  pay  me  for  my 
property  !" 

"  Pay  you !"  says  Captain  Bob  Shorty,  hotly, 
"  now  I'll  be—" 

"  Certainly  it  will,  my  friend,"  broke  in  the  con 
servative  Kentucky  chap,  eagerly,  "  the  Union  troops 
come  here  as  your  friends  ;  for  they  make  war  on 
none  but  traitors." 

As  we  left  the  domicil,  my  boy,  brushing  from  our 
coats  the  slops  that  had  just  been  thrown  upon  us 
from  an  upper  window,  I  saw  the  Chivalry's  children 
training  a  fowling-piecs  from  the  roof,  and  hoisting 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  373 

the  flag  of  the  Southern  Confederacy  on  one  of  the 
chimneys. 

And  will  it  be  possible  to  regain  the  love  of  these 
noble  people  again,  my  boy,  if  we  treat  them  consti 
tutionally  ?     We  shall  see,  my  boy,  we  shall  see. 
Yours,  for  further  national  abasement, 

ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


LETTEE    LIL 

DESCRIBING,  AMONG  OTHER  THINGS,  A  SPECIALITY  OF  CONGRESS,  A 
VENERABLE  POPULAR  IDOL,  AND  THE  DIFFICULTIES  EXPERIENCED 
BY  CAPTAIN .  SAMYULE  SA-MITH  IN  DYING. 

"WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  June  25th,  1862. 

How  beautiful  is  Old  Age,  ray  boy,  when  it  neither 
drinks  nor  swears.  There  is  an  oily  and  beneficent 
dignity  about  fat  Old  Age  which  overwhelms  us  with 
a  sense  of  our  crime  in  being  guilty  of  youth.  I 
have  at  last  been  introduced  to  the  Venerable  Gam 
mon,  who  is  all  the  time  saying  things  ;  and  he  is  a 
luscious  example  of  overpowering  Old  Age.  He  is 
fat  and  gliding,  my  boy,  with  a  face  that  looks  like  a 
full  moon  coming  out  of  a  sheepskin,  and  a  dress 
indicating  that  he  may  be  anything  from  a  Revolu 
tionary  Forefather  to  the  patriarch  of  all  the  Grace 
Church  sextons.  I  can't  find .  out  that  he  ever  did 
anything,  my  boy,  and  no  one  can  tell  why  it  is  that 
he  should  treat  everybody  in  offi.ce  and  out  of  it  in 
such  a  fatherly  and  fatly  condescending  manner  ; 
but  the  people  fairly  idolize  him,  my  boy,  and  he  is 
all  the  time  saying  things. 

When  I  was  introduced  to  the  Venerable  Gammon 


ORPHEUS    C.    KKllLt    PAPERS.  375 

he  was  beaming  benignantly  on  a  throng  of  adoring 
statesmen  in  the  lobby  of  Congress,  and  I  soon  dis 
covered  that  he  was  saying  things. 

"Men  tell  us  that  this  war  has  only  just  com 
menced/'  says  the  Venerable  Gammon  with  fat  pro 
fundity,  "  but  they  are  wrong.  War  is  like  a  stick, 
which  has  two  ends — the  end  nearest  you  being  the 

BEGINNING." 

Then  each  statesman  wanted  the  Venerable  Gam 
mon  to  use  his  pocket-handkerchief ;  and  five-and- 
twenty  desperate  reporters  tore  passionately  away  to 
the  telegraph  office  to  flash  far  and  wide  the  comfort 
ing  remarks  of  the  Venerable  Gammon. 

Are  we  a  race  of  unsuspecting  innocents,  my  boy, 
and  are  we  easily  imposed  upon  by  shirt-ruffles  and 
oily  magnitude  of  manner  ?  I  believe  so,  my  boy — I 
believe  so. 

Speaking  of  Congress  ;  I  attended  one  of  its  sittings 
the  other  day,  my  boy,  and  was  deeply  edified  to  ob 
serve  its  manner  of  legislating  for  our  happy  but  dis 
tracted  country. 

The  "  Honorable  Speaker"  (ne  Grow)  occupied  the 
Chair. 

Mr.  PODGERS  (republican,  Mass.)  desired  to  know 
if  the  tax  upon  Young  Hyson  is  not  to  be  moderated? 
Speaking  for  his  constituents  he  would  say  that  the 
present  rate  was  entirely  too  high  to  suit  any  grocer — 

Mr.  STAGGERS  (conservative,  Border  State)  wished 


376  ORPHEUS  c.  KERR  PAPERS. 

to  know  whether  this  body  intended  to  legislate  for 
white  men  or  niggers  ?  His  friend,  the  pusillanimous 
scoundrel  from  Massachusetts,  chose  to  oppose  the  tax 
on  Young  Hyson  because — to  use  his  own  words — it 
would  not  "  suit  a  negro,  sir — " 

Mr.  PODGEES  thought  his  friend  from  the  Border 
State  was  too  hasty.  The  phrase  he  used  was  "any 
grocer." 

Mr.  STAGGERS  withdrew  his  previous  remark.  We 
were  fighting  this  war  to  secure  the  Constitution  and 
the  pursuit  of  happiness  to  the  misguided  South,  and 
he  accepted  his  friend's  apology. 

Mr.  FIGGINS  (democrat,  New  Jersey)  said  that  he 
could  not  but  notice  that  everything  all  the  Honor 
able  gentlemen  had  said  during  this  session  was  a 
fatal  heresy,  destructive  of  all  Government,  degrading 
to  the  species,  and  an  insult  to  the  common  sense  of 
his  (Figgins')  constituents.  His  constituents  de 
manded  that  Congress  should  set  the  country  at 
rights  before  Europe.  It  would  appear  that  at  the 
least  imperious  sign  from  Europe,  the  American  knee 
grows — 

Mr.  JUGGLES  (con.,  Border  State)  desired  to  inquire 
of  the  House  whether  the  great  struggle  in  which  we 
are  now  engaged  is  for  the  benefit  of  the  Caucasian 
race  or  the  debased  African  ?  His  friend,  the  puling 
idiot  from  New  Jersey,  had  seen  fit  to  remark  that 
the  American  negroes — 


ORPHEUS    C.    KEKR    PAPERS.  377 

Mr.  FIGGINS  denied  that  he  had  spoken  at  all  of 
negroes.  He  was  about  to  say,  that  at  the  slightest 
behest  of  Europe  "  the  American  knee  grows  flexible 
to  bend." 

Mr.  JUGGLES  wished  it  to  be  understood  that  he 
was  satisfied  with  his  Honorable  friend's  explanation. 
Be  would  take  something  with  the  Honorable  Gentle 
man  immediately  after  adjournment. 

Mr.  CHUNKY  (rep.,  New  Hampshire)  was  anxious 
to  inquire  whether  it  was  true,  as  stated  in  the  daily 
papers,  that  General  McDowell  had  been  ordered  to 
imprison  all  the  Union  men  within  his  lines  on  sus 
picion  of  their  being  Secessionists,  and  place  a  guard 
over  the  property  of  the  Secessionists,  on  suspicion  of 
their  being  Union  men  ?  If  so,  he  would  warn  the 
Administration  that  it  was  cherishing  a  viper  which 


would  sting  it : 


The  roso  you  deftly  cull-cd,  man, 
May  wound  you  with  its  thorn, 
And—" 


Mr.  WADDLES  (Union,  Border  State)  protested 
against  the  decency  of  a  Constitutional  body  like 
Congress  being  insulted  with  the  infamous  and  se 
ditious  abolition  doggerel  just  quoted  by  his  friend, 
the  despicable  incendiary  from  New  Hampshire.  We 
were  waging  this  war  solely  to  put  down  treason,  and 
not  to  hear  a  rose,  the  fairest  of  flowers,  mentioned  in 
the  same  breath  with  the  filthy  colored  man— 


378  ORPHEUS    C.    KERR    PAPERS. 

Mr.  CHUNKY  was  sorry  to  observe  that  his  Honor 
able  friend  had  misunderstood  his  language.  The 
line  he  had  used  was  simply  this  : 

" The  rose  you  deftly  cull-ed,  man" 

Mr.  WADDLES  was  glad  that  his  valued  friend  from 
New  Hampshire  had  apologized.  He  had  only  taken 
exception  to  what  he  considered  a  fatal  heresy. 

That  was  enough  for  me;  my  boy,  and  I  left  the 
hall  of  legislation  ;  for  I  sometimes  become  a  little 
wearied  when  I  hear  too  much  of  one  thing,,  my  boy. 

I  mentioned  my  impression  to  the  Venerable  Gam 
mon.,  and  says  he  : 

"  Congress  is  the  soul  of  the  nation.  Congress/7 
says  the  Venerable  Gammon,,  with  fat  benignity,,  "  is 
something  like  a  wheel,  whose  spokes  tend  to  tire" 

He  said  this  remarkable  thing  in  an  overtowering 
way,  my  boy,  and  I  felt  myself  to  be  a  crushed  infant 
before  him. 

Early  in  the  week,  I  took  my  usual  trip  to  Paris, 
and  found  Company  3,  Kegiment  5,  Mackerel  Brig 
ade,  making  an  advance  from  the  further  shore  of 
Duck  Lake,  for  sanitary  reasons.  It  was  believed  to 
be  detrimental  to  the  health  of  the  gay  Mackerels  to 
be  so  near  a  body  of  pure  water,  my  boy,  for  they 
were  not  accustomed  to  the  element. 

"  Thunder  !"  says  the  general,  brushing  off  a  small 


ORPIIKl  S    C.     KT.RR    PAPERS. 

bit  of  ice  that  had  adhered  to  his  nose,  "  they'll  be 
drinking  it  next." 

Captain  Samyulo  Sa-mith  was  ordered  to  command 
the  advance  ;  but  when  he  heard  that  the  Southern 
Confederacy  had  two  swivels  over  there,  he  was  sud 
denly  taken  very  sick,  and  cultivated  his  bed-clothes. 

When  the  news  of  the  serious  illness  of  this  valiant 
officer  got  abroad,  my  boy,  there  was  an  immediate 
rush  of  free  and  enterprising  civilian  chaps  to  his  bed 
side. 

One  chap,  who  was  an  uncombed  reporter  for  a 
discriminating  and  affectionate  daily  press,  took  me 
aside,  and  says  he  : 

"  Our  paper  has  the  largest  circulation,  and  is  the 
best  advertising  mejum  in  the  United  States.  As  soon 
as  our  brother-in-arms  expires/'  says  the  useful  chap, 
feelingly,  "just  fill  up  this  printed  form  and  send  it 
to  me,  and  I  will  mention  you  in  our  paper  as  a  prom 
ising  young  man." 

I  took  the  printed  form,  my  boy,  which  I  was  to  fill 
up,  and  found  it  to  read  thus  : 

"  BIOGRAPHICAL    SKETCH   OF    THE   LATE . 

"  This  noble  and  famous  officer,  recently  slain  at 

the  head  of  his (I  put  the  word  'bed'  in  this 

blank,  my  boy),  was  born  at  -    -  on  the  —  day  of 

,  1776,  and  entered  West,  Point  in  his  —  yoar. 

He  won  immortal  fame  by  his  conduct  in  the  Mexican 


380  ORPHEUS    C.    KERB    PAPERS. 

campaign,  and  was  created   brigadier-general  on  the 

—  of ,  1862." 

These  printed  forms  suit  the  case  of  any  soldier,  rny 
boy  ;  but  I  didn't  entirely  fill  this  one  up. 

Samyule  was  conversing  with  the  chaplain  about 
his  Federal  soul,  when  a  tall,  shabby  chap  made  a 
dash  for  the  bedside,  and  says  he  to  Samyule  : 

"Fm  agent  for  the  great  American  publishing 
house  of  Kushem  &  Jinks,  and  desire  to  know  if  you 
have  anything  that  could  be  issued  in  book-form  after 
your  lamented  departure.  We  could  make  a  hand 
some  12mo  book/'  says  the  shabby  chap,  persuadingly, 
"  of  your  literary  remains.  .Works  of  a  Union 
Martyr — Eloquent  Writings  of  a  Hero — Should  be 
in  every  American  Library — Take  it  home  to  your 
wife — Twenty  editions  ordered  in  advance  of  publica 
tion — Half-calf,  $1. — Send  in  your  orders." 

Samyule  looked  thoughtfully  at  the  publishing 
chap,  and  says  he  : 

"  I  never  wrote  anything  in  my  life." 

"  Oh  I"  says  the  shabby  chap,  pleasantly,  "  any 
thing  will  do — your  early  poems  in  the  weekly  jour 
nals — anything." 

"But,"  says  Samyule,  regretfully,  "  I  never  wrote 
a  line  to  a  newspaper  in  all  my  life." 

"  What  !"  says  the  publishing  chap,  almost  in  a 
shriek — "  never  wrote  a  line  to  a  newspaper  ?  Gen- 


ORPHEUS   C.    KERR   PAPERS.  381 

tleman,"  says  the  chap,  looking  toward  us,  suspic 
iously,  "  this  man  can't  be  an  American."  And  he 
departed  hastily. 

Believing,  my  boy,  that  there  would  be  no  more 
interruptions,  Samyule  went  on  dying ;  but  I  was 
called  from  his  bedside  by  a  long-haired  chap  from 
New  York.  Says  the  chap  to  me  : 

"  My  name  is  Brown — Brown's  Patent  Hair-Dye, 
25  cents  a  bottle.  Of  course,"  says  the  hirsute  chap, 
affably,  "  a  monument  will  be  erected  to  the  memory 
of  our  departed  hero.  An  Italian  marble  shaft,  stand 
ing  on  a  pedestal  of  four  panels.  Now,"  says  the 
hairy  chap,  insinuatingly,  "  I  will  give  ten  thousand 
dollars  to  have  my  advertisement  put  on  the  panel 
next  to  the  name  of  the  lamented  deceased.  We  can 
get  up  something  neat  and  appropriate,  thus  : 
_ ~ — 4. 


WE   MUST  ALL  DIE; 

BUT 
BROWN'S    DYE    IS    THE    BEST. 


"There!"  says  the  enterprising  chap,  smilingly, 
"  that  would  be  very  neat  and  moral,  besides  doing 
much  good  to  an  American  fellow-being." 

I  made  no  reply,  my  boy  ;  but  I  told  Samyule 
about  it,  and  it  excited  him  so  that  he  regained  his 
health. 


382  ORPHEUS  C.   KERR  PAPERS. 

"If  I  can't  die/'  says  the  lamented  Samyule, 
"  without  some  advertising  cuss's  making  money  by 
it,  I'll  defer  my  visit  to  glory  until  next  season." 

And  he  got  well,  my  boy — he  got  well. 

I  was  talking  to  the  chaplain  about  Sarnyule's  ill 
ness,  and  says  the  chaplain  : 

"  I  am  happy  to  say,  my  fellow-sinner,  that  when 
our  beloved  Samyule  was  at  the  most  dangerous  crisis, 
he  gave  the  most  convincing  proof  of  realizing  his 
critical  condition." 

"  How  ?"  says  I,  skeptically. 

"  Why,"  says  the  chaplain,  with  a  Christian  look, 
"  when  I  told  our  beloved  Samyule  that  there  could 
be  little  hope  of  his  recovery,  and  asked  him  if  his 
spiritual  adviser  could  do  anything  to  make  his  pas 
sage  easier,  he  pressed  my  hand  fervently,  and  be 
sought  me  to  see  that  he  was  buried  with  a  fan  in 
his  hand." 

Can  it  be,  my  boy,  that  the  soul  of  a  Mackerel  will 
need  a  fan  in  another  world  ?     Let  us  meditate  upon 
this,  my  boy — let  us  meditate  upon  this ! 
Yours,  seriously, 
_  ,      ORPHEUS  C.  KERR. 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
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SEVENTH  OAV 


LD  2l-100m-7,'33 


957 


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U.C.  BERKELEY 

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