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Presented to the

LIBRARY of the

UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO

by
MICHAEL FINLAYSON

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

JOKES, STORIES AND
QUOTATIONS

Compiled by

PEGGY EDMUND

and
HAROLD WORKMAN WILLIAMS

Introduction by
MARY KATHARINE REELY

SECOND EDITION

!>, WITH NEW MATERIAL, INCLUDING A SECTION UPON
TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS AND TOASTS

Till; H. W. WILSON COMPANY
WHITE PLAINS, N. Y. and NBW YORK CITY
1914

FIRST EDITION PUBLISHED APRIL, IQI

SECOND EDITION, REVISED, PUBLISHED

SEPTEMBER, 1914

PREFACE'

ling so frightens a man as the announcement that he is
expected to respond to a toast on some appallingly near-by
occasion. All ideas he may ever have had. on the subject melt
away and like a drowning man he clutches furiously at the
nearest solid object. This book is intended for such rescue
purpose, buoyant and trustworthy but, it is to be hoped, not
heavy.

Let the frightened toaster turn first to the key word of his
topic in this dictionary alphabet of selections and perchance he
may find toast, story, definition or verse that may felicitously
introduce his remarks. Then as he proceeds to outline his talk
and to put it into sentences, he may find under one of the many
subject headings a bit which will happily and scintillatingly drive
home the ideas he is unfolding.

While the larger part of the contents is humorous, there are
inserted many quotations of a serious nature which may serve
as appropriate literary ballast.

The jokes and quotes gathered for the toaster have been
placed under the subject headings where it seemed that they
miKht be most useful, even at the risk of the joke turning on the
compilers. To extend the usefulness of such pseudo-cataloging,
cross references, similar and dissimilar to those of a library card
catalog, have been included.

Should a large number of the inclusions look familiar, let us

remark that the friends one likes best are those who have been

already tried and trusted and are the most welcome in times of

need. However, there are stories of a rising generation, whose

.lintancc all may enjoy.

rly all these new and old fi c before this made

their bow in print and since it was rarely certain where they

•ipt has been made to credit any source

for them. The compilers hereby make a sweeping acknowledg-
ment to the "funny editors" of many books and periodicals.

ON THE POSSESSION OF A SENSE
OF HUMOR

''Man," says Hazlitt, "is the only animal that laughs and
weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the differ-
ence between what things are and what they ought to be."
The sources, then, of laughter and tears come very close together.
At the difference between things as they are and as they
ought to be we laugh, or we weep ; it would depend, it seems,
on the point of view, or the temperament. And if, as Horace
Walpole once said, "Life is a comedy to those who think, a
tragedy to those who feel," it is the thinking half of humanity
that, at the sight of life's incongruities, is moved to laughter,
the feeling half to tears. A sense of humor, then, is the posses-
sion of the thinking half, and the humorists must be classified at
once with the thinkers.

If one were asked to go further than this and to give off-
hand a definition of humor, or of that elusive quality, a sense
of humor, he might find himself confronted with a difficulty.
Yet certain things about it would be patent at the outset : Women
t it; Englishmen haven't it; it is the chiefest of the virtues,
for tho a man speak with the tongues of men and of angels,
if he have not humor we will have none of him. Women may
continue to laugh over those innocent ami innocuous incidents
which they find amusing; may continue- to write the most delight-
ful of stories and essays — consider Jane Austen and our own
'ier — over which apprcn lers may continue t<>

chuckle; Kn.ulishmen may continue, as in tlic past to produce
the most c humorous literature — think of

Charles l.atnli j faith of mankind will ;

unshat uo sense of humor, and an I

cannot sec a joke! And tlic ability to "sec a joke" is the
liltle American test of the sense of humor.

vi SENSE OF HUMOR

Hut taking the matter seriously, how would one
humor? When -in doubt, consult the dictionary, is, as always,
.client motto, and, following it, we find that our trust-
worthy friend, Noah Webster, does not fail us. Here is his
definition of humor, ready to hand: humor is "the mental faculty
of discovering, expressing, or appreciating ludicrous or absurdly
incongruous elements in ideas, situations, happenings, or acts,"
with the added information that it is distinguished from wit as
"less purely intellectual and having more kindly sympathy with
human nature, and as often blended with pathos." A friendly
rival in lexicography defines the same prized human attribute
more lightly as "a facetious turn of thought," or more specific-
ally in literature, as "a sportive exercise of the imagination that
is apparent in the choice and treatment of an idea or theme."
Isn't there something about that word "sportive," on the lips of
so learned an authority, that tickles the fancy — appeals to the
sense of humor?

Yet if we peruse the dictionary further, especially if we
approach that monument to English scholarship, the great
Murray, we shall find that the problem of defining humor is not
so simple as it might seem ; for the word that we use so glibly,
with so sure a confidence in its stability, has had a long and
varied history and has answered to many aliases. When Shake-
speare called a man "humorous" he meant that he was change-
able and capricious, not that he was given to a facetious turn of
thought or to a "sportive" exercise of the imagination. When
he talks in "The Taming of the Shrew" of "her mad and head-
strong humor" he doesn't mean to imply that Kate is a practical
joker. It is interesting to note in passing that the old meaning
of the word still lingers in the verb "to humor." A woman still
humors her spoiled child and her cantankerous husband when
she yields to their capriciousness. By going back a step further
in history, to the late fourteenth century, we meet Chaucer's
physician who knew "the cause of everye maladye, and where
engendered and of what humour" and find that Chaucer is not
speaking of a mental state at all, but is referring to those physi-
ological humours of which, according to Hippocrates, the human
body contained four: blood, phlegm, bile, and black bile, and by
which the disposition was determined. We find, too, that at one
time a "humour" meant any animal or plant fluid, and again any
kind of moisture. "The skie hangs full of humour, and I think

SENSE OF HUMOR vii

we .-hall haue raine," ran an ancient weather prophet's predic-
tion. Which might give rise to some thoughts on the paradoxical
subject of dry humor.

Now in part this development is easily traced. Humor, mean-
ing moisture of any kind, came to have a biological significance
and was applied only to plant and animal life. It was restricted
later within purely physiological boundaries and was applied only
to those "humours" of the human body that controlled tempera-
ment. From these fluids, determining mental states, the word
took on a psychological coloring, but — by what process of evolu-
tion did humor reach its present status! After all, the scientific
method has its weaknesses !

We can, if we wish, define humor in terms of what it is not.
We can draw lines around it and distinguish it from its next of
kin, wit. This indeed has been a favorite pastime with the
jugglers of words in all ages. And many have been the attempts
to define humor, to define wit, to describe and differentiate them,
to build high fences to keep them apart.

"Wit is abrupt, darting, scornful; it tosses its analogies in
your face; humor is slow and shy, insinuating its fun into your
heart," says E. P. Whipple. "Wit is intellectual, humor is emo-
tional ; wit is perception of resemblance, humor of contrast —
of contrast between ideal and fact, theory and practice, promise
and performance," writes another authority. While yet another
points out that "Humor is feeling — feelings can always bear
repetition, while wit, being intellectual, suffers by repetition."
The truth of this is evident when we remember that we
repeat a witty saying that we may enjoy the effect on others,
while we retell a humorous story largely for our own enjoyment
of it.

Yet it is quite possible that humor ought not to be defined.
It may be one of those intangible substances, like love and
beauty, that are indefinable. It is quite probable that humor
should not be explained. It would be distressing, as some one
1 out, to discover that American humor is based on Ameri-
can dyspepsia. Yet tin- i>liil<»ophcrs themselves have endeavored
to explain it. Ila/litt held that to understand the ludicr<>
must first know what the serious is. And to apprehend the
serious, what better course could be followed than to contem-
plate the serious — yes and ludicrous — findings of the philosophers
in tlu tl to define humor and to explain laughter. Con-

viii SENSE OF HUMOR

sider Ilobbcs: "The passion of laughter is nothing else but
sudden glory arising from the sudden conception of eminency in
ourselves by comparison with the inferiority of others, or with
our own formerly." According to Professor Bain, "Laughter
results from the degradation of some person or interest possess-
ing dignity in circumstances that excite no other strong emotion."
Even Kant, desisting for a time from his contemplation of Pure
Reason, gave his attention to the human phenomenon of laughter
and explained it away as "the result of an expectation which of
a sudden ends in nothing." Some modern cynic has compiled a
list of the situations on the stage which are always "humorous."
One of them, I recall, is the situation in which the clown-acrobat,
having made mighty preparations for jumping over a pile of
chairs, suddenly changes his mind and walks off without attempt-
ing it. The laughter that invariably greets this "funny" maneuver
would seem to have philosophical sanction. Bergson, too, the
philosopher of creative evolution, has considered laughter to the
extent of an entire volume. A reading of it leaves one a little
disturbed. , Laughter, so we learn, is not the merry-hearted,
jovial companion we had thought him. Laughter is a stern
mentor, characterized by "an absence of feeling." "Laughter,"
says M. Bergson, "is above all a corrective, it must make a pain-
ful impression on the person against whom it is directed. By
laughter society avenges itself for the liberties taken with it.
It would fail in its object if it bore the stamp of sympathy or
kindness." If this be laughter, grant us occasionally the saving
grace of tears, which may be tears of sympathy, and, therefore,
kind!

But, after all, since it is true that "one touch of humor
makes the whole world grin," what difference does it make what
that humor is ; what difference why or wherefore we laugh, since
somehow or other, in a sorry world, we do laugh?

Of the test for a sense of humor, it has already been said
that it is the ability to see a joke. And, as for a joke, the
dictionary, again a present help in time of trouble, tells us at
once that it is, "something said or done for the purpose of
exciting a laugh." But stay! Suppose it does not excite the
laugh expected? What of the joke that misses fire? Shall a
joke be judged by its intent or by its consequences? Is a joke
that does not produce a laugh a joke at all? Pragmatically con-
sidered it is not. Agnes Repplier, writing on Humor, speaks of

SENSE OF HUMOR ix

"those beloved writers whom we hold to be humorists because
they have made us laugh." We hold them to be so — but there
seems to be a suggestion that we may be wrong. Is it possible
that the laugh is not the test of the joke? Here is a question
over which the philosophers may wrangle. Is there an Absolute
in the realm of humor, or must our jokes be judged solely by
the pragmatic test? Congreve once told Colly Gibber that there
were many witty speeches in one of Colly's plays, and many that
looked witty, yet were not really what they seemed at first sight!
So a joke is not to be recognized even by its appearance or by
the company it keeps. Perhaps there might be established a test
of good usage. A joke would be that at which the best people
laugh.

Somebody — was it Mark Twain? — once said that there are
eleven original jokes in the world — that these were known in
prehistoric times, and that all jokes since have been but modi-
fications and adaptations from the originals. Miss Repplier, how-
ever, gives to modern times the credit for some inventiveness.
Christianity, she says, must be thanked for such contributions as
the missionary and cannibal joke, and for the interminable vari-
ations of St. Peter at the gate. Max Bcerbohm once codified all
the English comic papers and found that the following list com-
prised all the subjects discussed: Mothers-in-law; Hen-pecked
husbands; Twins; Old maids; Jews; Frenchmen and Germans;
Italians and Niggers; Fatness; Thinness; Long hair (in men);
Baldness; Sea sickness; Stuttering; Bloomers; Bad cheese; Red
noses. A like examination of American newspapers would per-
haps result in a slightly different list. We have, of course, our
purely local jokes. Boston will always be a joke to Chicago,
the east to the west. The city girl in the country offers a per-
ennial source of amusement, as does the country man in the
\n<l the foreigner we have always with us, to mix his Y's
and J's, distort his H's, and play havoc with the Anglo-Saxon
rlh. Indeed our great American sense of humor has been
explained as an outgrowth from the vast field of incongruities
offered by a developing civilization.

It may be that tl '1 national sense has been over-

estimated— exaggeration is a characteristic of that humor, any-
way— but at least it has one of the Christian virtues -it suffereth
long and is kind. Miss Repplier says that it is because we arc a
"humorous rather than a witty people that we laugh for the

x SENSE OF HUMOR

most part with, and not at our fellow creatures." This, I think,
is something that our fellow creatures from other lands do not
always comprehend. I listened once to a distinguished French-
man as he addressed the students in a western university chapel.
He was evidently astounded and embarrassed by the outbursts
of laughter that greeted his mildly humorous remarks. He even
stopped to apologize for the deficiencies of his English, deeming
them the cause, and was further mystified by the little ripple of
laughter that met his explanation — a ripple that came from the
hearts of the good-natured students, who meant only to be
appreciative and kind. Foreigners, too, unacquainted with
American slang often find themselves precipitating a laugh for
which they are unprepared. For a bit of current slang, however
and whenever used, is always humorous.

The American is not only a humorous person, he is a prac-
tical person. So it is only natural that the American humor
should be put to practical uses. It was once said that the differ-
ence between a man with tact and a man without was that the
man with tact, in trying to put a bit in a horse's mouth, would
first tell him a funny story, while the man without tact would
get an axe. This use of the funny story is the American way
of adapting it to practical ends. A collection of funny stories
used to be an important part of a drummer's stock in trade.
It is by means of the "good story" that the politician makes
his way into office; the business man paves the way for a big
deal; the after-dinner speaker gets a hearing; the hostess saves
her guests from boredom. Such a large place (Joes the "story"
hold in our national life that we have invented a social pastime
that might be termed a "joke match." "Don't tell a funny story,
even if you know one," was the advice of the Atchison Globe
man, "its narration will only remind your hearers of a bad
one." True as this may be, we still persist in telling our funny
story. Our hearers are reminded of another, good or bad,
which again reminds us — and so on.

A sense of humor, as was intimated before, is the chiefest
of the virtues. It is more than this — it is one of the essentials
to success. For, as has also been pointed out, we, being a prac-
tical people, put our humor to practical uses. It is held up as
one of the prerequisites for entrance to any profession. "A
lawyer," says a member of that order, must have such and such
mental and moral qualities; "but before all else" — an this im-

SENSE OF HUMOR xi

pressively — "he must possess a sense of humor." Samuel
McChord Crothers says that were he on the examining board for
the granting of certificates to prospective teachers, he would
place a copy of Lamb's essay on Schoolmasters in the hands of
each, and if the light of humorous appreciation failed to dawn
as the reading progressed, the certificate would be withheld.
For, before all else, a teacher must possess a sense of humor!
If it be true, then, that the sense of humor is so important in
determining the choice of a profession, how wise are those
writers who hold it an essential for entrance into that most exact-
ing of professions — matrimony! "Incompatibility in humor,"
George Eliot held to be the "most serious cause of diversion."
And Stevenson, always wise, insists that husband and wife must
be able to laugh over the same jokes — have between them many
a "grouse in the gun-room" story. But there must always be
exceptions if the spice of life is to be preserved, and I recall one
couple of my acquaintance, devoted and loyal in spite of this very
incompatibility. A man with a highly whimsical sense of humor
had married a woman with none. Yet he told his best stories
with an eye to their effect on her, and when her response came,
peaceful and placid and non-comprehending, he would look about
the table with delight, as much as to say, "Isn't she a wonder?
Do you know her equal?"

Humor may be the greatest of the virtues, yet it is the one

of whose possession we may boast with impunity. "Well, that

was too much for my sense of humor," we say. Or, "You know

my sense of humor was always my strong point." Imagine thus

boasting of one's integrity, or sense of honor! And so is its

lack the one vice of which one may not perrnit himself to be

a trifle proud. "I admit that I have a hot temper," and "I know

re simple enough admissions. But did any

or openly make the confession, "I know I am lacking in

a sense of humor!" However, to recognize the lack one

ave to possess the sense — whirh is manifestly impossible.

"To explain the nature of laughter and tears is to account

for the condition of human life," says Ila/litt. and no philosophy

has as yet succeeded in accounting for the condition of human

"Man is a lau^him: animal," wrote Meredith, "and at the

<carch the philnso linking to

laughter as the best of human fruit, purely human, and sane, and

comforting." So whether it be the corrective laughter of

xii SENSE OF HUMOR

Bergson, Jove laughing at lovers' vows, Love laughing at lock-
smiths, or the cheerful laughter of the fool that was like the
crackling of thorns to Koheleth, the preacher, we recognize that
it is good; that without this saving grace of humor life would be
an empty vaunt. I like to recall that ancient usage: "The skie
hangs full of humour, and I think we shall haue raine." Blessed
humor, no less refreshing today than was the humour of old to
a parched and thirsty earth.

TOASTERS, TOASTMASTERS
AND TOASTS

Before making any specific suggestions to the prospective
toaster or toastmaster, let us advise that he consider well the
nature and spirit of the occasion which calls for speeches. The
toast, after-dinner talk, or address is always given under con-
ditions that require abounding good humor, and the desire to
make everybody pleased and comfortable as well as to furnish
entertainment should be uppermost.

Perhaps a consideration of the ancient custom that gave rise
to the modern toast will help us to understand the spirit in which
a toast should be given. It originated witli the pagan custom
of drinking to the gods and the dead, which in Christian nations
was modified, with the accompanying idea of a wish for health
and happiness added. In England during the sixteenth century
customary to puf a "toast" in the drink, which was usually
served hot. This toast was the ordinary piece of bread scorched
th sides. Shakespeare in "The Merry Wives of Windsor"
has Falstaff say, "Fetch me a quart of sack and put a toast in %t."
Later the term came to be applied to the lady in whose honor
the company drank, her name serving to flavor the bumper as the
toast flavored the drink. It was in this way that the act of
drinking or of prop* ilth. or the mere act of

good wishes or fellowship at table came to be known as toasting.

Since an occasion, then, at which toasts are in order is one
intended to promote good feeling, it should afford no opportunity
for the exploitation of any personal or s< cst or for

anything controversial. «.r Mil • -f the company

'. The effort of the i be to promote

the best ot • all an •'

ith the toastmaster and wish
each other to t introductions of the toastmaster

MX TO IND TOASTS

contain some good-natured bantering, t"

with cninplimcnt. but always without sting. Those taking part
at tin.- t r, but always in a manner to

no hard feeling anyxvhere. The toastmaster sbotild strive-
to make his .speakers feel at case, to give them Rood standing
with their hearers without oxi-rpraising them and making it
bard to live up to what is expected of them. In short, let every-
body boost good naturcdly for everybody else.

The toastmastcr, and for that matter everyone taking part.
should be carefully prepared. It may be safely said that those
who are successful after-dinner speakers have learned the need
of careful forethought. A practised speaker may appear to speak
extemporaneously by putting together on one occasion thoughts
and expressions previously prepared for other occasions, but the
neophyte may well consider it necessary to think out carefully
the matter of what to say and how to say it. Cicero said of
Antonius, "All his speeches were, in appearance, the unpremedi-
tated effusion of an honest heart; and yet, in reality, they were
(•;;•<•(/ Kith so much skill that the judges were not so
xvell prepared as they should have been to withstand the force of
then

After considering the nature of the occasion and getting
himself in harmony with it, the speaker should next coupler
the relation of his particular subject to the occasion and to the
subjects of the other speakers. He should be careful to hold
closely to the subject allotted to him so that he will not encroach
upon the ground of other speakers. He should be careful, too,
not to appropriate to himself any of their time. And he should
consider, without vanity and without humility, his own relative
importance and govern himself accordingly. We have all had
the painful experience of waiting in impatience for the speech of
the evening to begin while some humble citi/cn made "a few
introductory remarks."

In planning his speech and in getting it into finished form,
the toaster will do well to remember those three essentials to all
good composition with which he struggled in school and college
days, Unity, Mass and Coherence. The first means that his
talk must have a central thought, on which all his stories, anec-
and jokes will have a bearing; the second that there will
be a proper balance, between the parts, that il will not be all

TOASTERS AND TOASTS xv

introduction and conclusion ; the third, that it will hang together,
without awkward transitions. A toast may consist, as Lowell
said, of "a platitude, a quotation and an anecdote," but the toaster
must exercise his ingenuity in putting these together.

In delivering the toast, the speaker must of course be natural.
The after-dinner speech calls for a conversational tone, not for
oratory of voice or manner. Something of an air of detachment
on the part of the speaker is advisable. The humorist who can
tell a story with a straight face adds to the humorous effect.

A word might be said to those who plan the program. In
the number of speakers it is better to err in having too few than
too many. Especially is this true if there is one distinguished
person who is the speaker of the occasion. In such a case the
number of lesser lights may well be limited to two or three.
The placing of the guest of honor on the program is a matter of
importance. Logically he would be expected to come last, as
the crowning feature. But if the occasion is a large semi-public
affair — a political gathering, for example — where strict etiquet
does not require that all remain thru the entire program, there
will always be those who will leave early, thus missing the best
part of the entertainment. In this case some shifting of speak-
ers, even at the risk of an anti-climax, would be advisable. On
ordinary occasions, where the speakers are of much the same
rank, order will be determined mainly by subject. And if the
for discussion are directly related, if they are all com-
ponent parts of a general subject, so much the better.

Now we are going to add a special paragraph for the abso-
lutely inexperienced person — who has never given, or heard
anyone else give, a toast. It would seem hardly possible in this
day of banquets to find an individual who has missed these occa-
sions entirely — but he is to be found. Especially is this true in
a \\orld where toasting and after-dinner speaking arc coming t<>
be more and more in demand at social functions — the college
world. Here the young man or woman, coming from a country
town where the formal banquet is unknown, who has never
heard an after-dinner speech, may he confronted with the

•ondinH to a toast on, say "Needles and Tins." Such
a one would like to be told first of all what an after-dinner

I only a short, informal talk, usually \\itty.
ndly. \\ith one central idea ami a certain amount of illus-

xvi TOASTERS AND TOASTS

trativc material in the way of anecdotes, quotations and stories.
The best advice to such a speaker is: Make your first effort
simple. Don't be over ambitious. If, as was suggested in the
example cited a moment ago, the subject is fanciful — as it is
very apt to be at a college banquet — any interpretation you
choose to put upon it is allowable. If the interpretation is
ingenious, your case is already half won. Such a subject is in
effect a challenge. "Now, let's see what you can make of this,"
is what it implies. First get an idea ; then find something in the
way of illustrative material. Speak simply and naturally and sit
down and watch how the others do it. Of course the subject
on such occasions is often of a more serious nature — Our Class ;
The Team; Our President — in which case a more serious treat-
ment is called for, with a touch of honest pride and sentiment.

To sum up what has been said, with borrowings from what
others have said on the subject, the following general rules have
been formulated :

Prepare carefully. Self-confidence is a valuable possession,
but beware of being too sure of yourself. Pride goes before a
fall, and overconfidence in his ability to improvise has been the
downfall of many a would-be speaker. The speaker should
strive to give the effect of spontaneity, but this can be done
only with practice. The toast calls for the art that conceals art.

Let your speech have unity. As some one has pointed out,
the after-dinner speech is a distinct form of expression, just
as is the short story. As such it should give a unity of impres-
sion. It bears something of the same relation to the oration that
the short story does to the novel.

Let it have continuity. James Bryce says : "There is a
tendency today to make after-dinner speaking a mere string of
anecdotes, most of which may have little to do with the subject
or with one another. Even the best stones lose their charm
when they are dragged in by the head and shoulders, having no
connection with the allotted theme. Relevance as well as brevity
is the soul of wit."

Do not grow emotional or sentimental. American traditions
are largely borrowed from England. We have the Anglo-Saxon
reticence. A parade of emotion in public embarrasses us. A
simple and sincere expression of feeling is often desirable in a
toast— but don't overdo it.

TOASTERS AND TOASTS xvii

Avoid trite sayings. Don't use quotations that are shop-
\\nrn. ami avoid the set forms for toasts — "Our sweethearts and
-may they never meet," etc.

Don't apologize. Don't say that you are not prepared; that
you speak on very short notice; that you are "no orator as
Brutus is." Resolve to do your best and let your effort speak for
itself.

Avoid irony and satire. It has already been said that occa-
sions on which toasts are given call for friendliness and good
humor. Yet the temptation to use irony and satire may be
strong. Especially may this be true at political gatherings where
there is a chance to grow witty at the expense of rivals. Irony
and satire are keen-edged tools; they have their uses; but they
are dangerous. Pope, who knew how to use them, said :

's my weapon, but I'm too discreet
To run amuck and tilt at all I meet.

Use personal references sparingly. A certain amount of

good-natured chaffing may be indulged it. Yet there may be

danger in even the most kindly of fun. One never knows how a

ill be taken. Once in the early part of his career, Mark

Twain, at a Xc\\ Hngland banquet, grew funny at the expense

Mgfellow and Emerson, then in their old age and looked

upon almost as divinities. His joke fell dead, and to the end

of his life he suffered humiliation at the recollection.

Be clear. While you must not draw an obvious moral or
explain the point to your jokes, be sure that the point is there
and that it is put in such a way that your hearers cannot miss it.
Avoid flights of rhetoric and do not lose your anecdotes in a sea
of words.

•id didacticism. Do not try to instruct. Do not give
s and figures. They will not IK- remembered. A liis-
,Mlijr.-t fn.in tin- ln-uinniim of time is
neither are well-known facts about the gn

of your city or state or the prominent person in whose honor
lay be s\ » lell your hearers things they

:y know.

Be / :im-r audience- is In darly de-

• ss position. It is so out in There is no oppor-

tunity f<>r a quiet nod or tuo l.ehind a newspaper or the hat of
the lady in front. If you bore your hearers by overstepping your

xviii TOASTERS AND TOASTS

time politeness requires that they sit .still and look pi-
Spare them. Remember l'.ao>n\ adxire t<> the .speaker: "Let
him he sure to leave other men their turns to speak." Hut
suppose you come late on the program ! Suppose the other
speakers have not heeded Bacon ! What are you going to do
ahout it? Here is a story that James Bryce tells of the most
successful after-dinner speech he remembers to have heard.
The speaker was a famous engineer, the occasion a dinner of
the British Association for the Advancement of Science. "He
came last; and midnight had arrived. His toast was Applied
Science, and his speech was as follows: 'Ladies and gentlemen,
at this late hour I advise you to illustrate the Applications of
Science by applying a lucifer match to the wick of your bedroom
candle. Let us all go to bed.' "

If you are capable of making a similar sacrifice by cutting
short your own carefully-prepared, wise, witty and sparkling
remarks, your audience will thank you — and they may ask you
to speak again.

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

ABILITY

"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't."
"Well, what is it?" demanded his pa.

•'(. row." replied the youngster triumphantly.—//. £. Zimmer-
man.

ABOLITION

He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village
and he sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general
store, and began a conversation.

"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters
are going to pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.
"Don't believe I have," answered the other.
"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do
the picking," rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn read-
ily. They are thorough workers, and obviously they will save
their employers a small fortune otherwise expended in wages."
." ejaculated the native, "and almut the time this in-
ning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool north-
•11 c»me tearing down here and set 'cm tV

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

—"I consider, John, that sheep arc the stupidest creatures

UK < iil'ssitt -;;;/;.'(/, -<//y » ' Y« - T,\ 1aml>."

ACCIDENTS

The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thaycr's Laboratory
in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morn-
ing. The sidewalk was sheeted with iic and the doctor was
making his way carefully, as was also a woman going in the
rection. In seeking to avoid each other, both slipped

2 TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

and they came down in a heap. The polite doctor was over-
whclmed and his embarrassment paralyzed his speech, but the
woman was equal to the occasion.

"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out
your legs, I will take what remains," she said cheerfully.

"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats
of the Harlem river.

"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construc-
tion shanty.

"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck
in da mud."

"How far in?"

"Up to hces knees."

"Oh, let him walk out."

"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"

There once was a lady from Guam,
Who said, "Now the sea is so calm

I will swim, for a lark" ;

But she met with a shark.
Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.

BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks
fall on his feet) — "Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why,
|X I seen a bloke get killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such
a blocmin* fuss as you're doin'."

A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his par-
ishioners. About noon, the parishioner's little son came to the
house crying lustily. On being asked what the matter was, he
said that the load of hay had tipped over in the street The
preacher, a kindly man, assured the little fellow that it was
nothing serious, and asked him in to dinner.

"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.

But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right
with his father, and urged him to take dinner before going
for the hay. After dinner the boy was asked if he were not
glad that he had stayed.

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK 3

Ta uon't like it," he persisted.

The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what
made him think his father would object.

"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.

There was an old Miss from Antrim,
Who looked for the leak with a glim.

Alack and alas!

The cause was the gas.
We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.

—Gilbert K. Chesterton.

There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.

More stars she espied

As she lay on her side
Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.

A gentleman sprang to assist her;

He picked up her glove and her wrister;

"Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;

"Did you think," she replied,
"I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"

At first laying down, as a fact fundamental,
That nothing with God can be accidental.

— Longfellow.

ACTING

-kinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern
friend of his, an actor, who, by tl: as in the dramatiza-

tion of Colonel Carter. On one occasion the actor was ap-
pearing in his native town, and remembered an old negro and
who had been body servants in his father's house-
hold, with a couple of seats in the theatre. As it happened,
he was playing the part of the villain, and was largely con-
with treasons, stratagems and spoils. From time to
time he caught a glimpse of the ancient couple in the gal-

4 TO ASTER'S HANDBOOK

.nul judged from their iYai>«.iik- o>untenance and pop-
ping eyes that they were hein.n duly impressed.

After the play he asked them to come and see him be-
hind the scenes. They sat together for a while in solemn
silence, and then the mammy resolutely nudged her husband.
The old man gathered himself together with an effort, and
said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po' niggers to teach
ouh young masser 'portment. lint \\e jes' got to tell yo' dat, in
all de time we b'long to de fambly, none o' ouh folks ain'
neveh befo' mix up in sechlike dealin's, an' we hope, Marse
Cha'les, dat yo' see de erroh of yo' ways befo' yo' done sho' nuff
disgrace us."

In a North of England town recently a company of local
amateurs produced Hamlet, and the following account of the
proceedings appeared in the local paper next morning:

"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gath-
ered to witness a performance of Hamlet at the Town Hall.
There has been considerable discussion in the press as to
whether the play was written by Shakespeare or Bacon. All
doubt can be now set at rest. Let their graves be opened; the
one who turned over last night is the author."

Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with
this special observance, that you o'erstep not. the modesty of
nature. — Shakespeare.

To wake the soul by tender strokes of art,
To raise the genius, and to mend the heart;
To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold,
Live o'er each scene, and be what they behofd —
For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.

— Pope.

ACTORS AND ACTRESSES

An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade
in a small New England town when a big gander, from a
farmyard near at hand waddled to the middle of the street
and began to hiss.

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK 5

One of the doublc-in-bra>s actors turned toward the fowl
and angrily exclaimed:

"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till
you see the show." — K. A. Bisbee.

When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he
had a vaunting ambition to play Hamlet. So with his first
profits he organized his own company and he went to an in-
land western town to give vent to his ambition and "try it
on."

When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed
that the actor appeared to be much downcast.

"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?"
asked one of his friends.

"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.

"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they
ask you to come before the curtain?" persisted the friend.

"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"

LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY — "We play Hamlet
to-night, laddie, do we not?"

SUB-MANAGER — "Yes, Mr. Montgomery."

LEADING MAN — "Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence 1"

SUB-MANAGER— "Why ?"

LEADING MAN — "I have four days' growth upon my chin.
One cannot play Hamlet in a beard!"

SUB- MANAGER— "Urn— well— we'll put on Macbeth!"

HE— "But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"
SHE— "Papa objects. He says you are an actor."

-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry
he isn't a newspaper critic."

The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the
villain, had died to slow music.

The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.

He refused to appear.

But the audience still insisted.

Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came
to the front.

6 TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

lies :nf i-intU-men," lie said, "the rarpse thanks ye kind-
ly, but he says he's dead, an' he's goin' to stay dead."

Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair
dressed by a young woman at her home. The actress was
very tired and quiet, but a chance remark from the dresser
made her open her eyes and sit up.

"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman
complacently.

"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me — think how I have
had to work and study to gain what success I have, and win
such fame as is now mine !"

"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I
have talent."

Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called,
in a sudden emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth
at the Criterion Theatre for a single night.

The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show
the public how great a histrionic genius had remained unknown
for lack of an opportunity. But his joy was suddenly damp-
ened by the dreadful thought that, as the play was already in
the midst of its run, none of the dramatic critics might be
there to watch his triumph.

A bright thought struck him. He would announce the
event. Rushing to a telegraph office, he sent to one of the
leading critics the following telegram: "Orlando Day presents
Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at the Criterion."

Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So
he repeated the message to a dozen or more important persons.

At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a
lounging gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read
it to a group of friends. A chorus of exclamations followed
the reading: "Why, I got precisely the same message!" "And
so did I." "And I, too." "Who is Orlando Day?" "What
beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy that one would pay any
attention to his wire?"

J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was
present, was the only one who said nothing.

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK 7

"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.

"Oh, yes."

"But of course you didn't answer."

"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he
had taken the trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered
him."

"You did! What did you Say?"

"Oh, I just telegraphed him: Thanks for timely warning.'"

Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star!
How I wonder if you are
When at home the tender age
You appear when on the stage.

— Mary A. Fair child.

Recipe for an actor:

To one slice of ham add assortment of roles,

Steep the head in mash notes till it swells.
Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets,
Or with eggs— from afar— in the shells.

-Life.

Recipe for an ingenue:

A pound and three-quarters of kitten,
Three ounces of flounces and sighs;
Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles,
And ringlets and dimples and eyes.

-Life.

ADAPTATION

"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who
claims that a hen of his last month hatched, from a setting
of seventeen eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers,
fur.

"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of
nature's adaptation of all animals to their environment, the sev-
enteen eggs having been of the cold-storage variety."

s TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

ADDRESSES

In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed,
"Oh, mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just
heard her say, 'Send it up C. O. D.' Isn't that where we
live?"

An Englishman went into his local library and asked for
Frederic Harrison's George Washington and other American
Addresses. In a little while he brought back the book to the
librarian and said:

"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find
out the addresses of several American magnates ; I know where
George Washington has gone to, for he never told a lie."

ADVERTISING

Not long ago a patron of a cafe in Chicago summoned his
waiter and delivered himself as follows:

"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece
of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a por-
tion more than twice the size of this."

"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.

"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the win-
dow."

"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is sim-
ple. We always serve customers by the window large portions.
It's a good advertisement for the place."

"Advertising costs me a lot of money."

"Why I never saw your goods advertised."

"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."

When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Mis-
souri paper, a superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that
he had found a spider in his paper, and asking him whether
that was a sign of good luck or bad. The humorist wrote him
this answer and printed it:

"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was
neither good luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was mere-

TOASTER'S HANDBOOK 9

ly looking over our paper to see which merchant is not ad-
vertising, so that he can go to that store, spin his web across
the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever afterward."

"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morn-
ing's paper!"

"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be pro-
duced to-night, and I want good notices from the critics."

:. Hilton Turvey.

Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one
day and decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strol-
ling along he heard a piano, and, following the sound, came
to a house on which was a sign reading:

"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."

Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play
one of Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.

Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss
Jones came to the door and recognized him at once. Delighted,
she invited him in and he sat down and played the nocturne
as only Paderewski can, afterward spending an hour in cor-
recting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and he de-
parted.

Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again
took the same walk.

I Ic soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at
the sign, he read :

s Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Pader-
cw?I

Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit
\v York, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, hap-
issing Daly's Theatre, and paused to look at
the pictures of Hitchcock and his company that adorned the
entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered with laud-
atory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show.
When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he
! to an unobtrusive young man who had been watching
him out of the corner of his eye.

"Say, have you seen this :c asked.

io TOASTER'S HANDBOOK

"Sure," replied the young man.

"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"

"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why,
say, he's the best in the business. He's got all these other
would-be side-ticklers lashed to the mast. He's a scream.
Never laughed so much at any one in all my life."

"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.

"As good as Foy!" The young man's scorn was superb.
"Why, this Hitchcock has got that Foy person looking like a
gloom. They're not in the same class. Hitchcock's funny. A
man with feelings can't compare them. I'm sorry you asked
me, I feel so strongly about it."

Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in the hollow
tones of a tragedian, he said :

"I am Foy."

"I know you are," said the young man cheerfully. "I'm
Hitchcock !"

Advertisements are of great use to the vulgar. First of all,
as they are instruments of ambition. A man that is by no
means big enough for the Gazette, may easily creep into the
advertisements; by which means we often see an apothecary
in the same paper of news with a plenipotentiary, or a running
footman with an ambassador. — Addison.

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