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e./f 


TO    PANAMA 
AND    BACK 


THE      RECORD      OF      AN      EXPERIENCE 


HENRY  T.  BYFORD,  M.  D. 


W.  B.  CONKEY  COMPANY 

CHICAGO 


I 

il 


COPYRIGHT,  1908, 

BY 
HENRY  T.  BYFORD,  M.  D. 


: 


DEDICATED 

to  the 

Panama  Canal  Commissioners, 

who  invited  the  President  of  the  United  States 

to  run  down  and  see  them  dig  the  Canal 

while  he  waited; 

and  to  the  President, 
/-* 

who  went  to  the  Canal  and  found  them  asleep, 

and  didn't  wait  until  it  was  dug. 


o 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS 
PART  I 

C=«TEE  TO  PANAMA 

I    CHICAGO  TO  NEW  ORLEANS — PRINCIPALLY  CHI- 
CAGO    11 

II     GETTING  OFF 23 

III  AT  SEA 29 

IV  PORT  LIMON 48 

V  COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY 64 

VI  PANAMA 87 

VII     AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL 100 

VIII     FOR  DOCTORS  ONLY 125 

IX     A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH 136 

X     ABOUT  TOWN 151 

XI     TOWN  TOPICS 169 

XII     THE  PAST  AND  THE  PRESENT  PANAMA 176 

XIII  NEW  YEAR'S  DAY  AND  THE  SABANAS 184 

XIV  THE  BULL-FIGHT..                            192 


PART  II 

THE  FOURTH  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

I     THE  OPENING  OF  THE  CONGRESS 207 

II  BREAKFAST  AND  DINNER  ON  THE  SAME  DAY  ....  220 

III  PANAMA  BAY  AND  PARAMOUNT  BARRETT 230 

IV  CONGRESS  REDIVIVUS 241 

V    To  SEE  OURSELVES  AS  OTHERS  SEE  Us 251 

PART  III 
BACK 

I  ACCOMMODATIONS  AT  CoL6N 265 

II  SUNDAY  AT  COLON 273 

III  AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS 292 

IV  FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE 309 

V  THE  DIDACTICS  OF  SEASICKNESS 327 

VI     THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  AND  THE  FIRST  ON  LAND  335 

VII     TRAVELING  NORTH  BY  WAY  OF  THE  SOUTH 356 

VIII    DID  You  HAVE  A  PLEASANT  TRIP? 375 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


PAGE 

MAP  OP  PANAMA 4 

PANAMA  FLAG 10 

HUTS  ON  LINE  OF  PANAMA  ROAD 82 

ABANDONED  MACHINERY  OF  THE  FRENCH 84 

ALONG  PANAMA  RAILROAD 86 

IN  PANAMA  CITY 90 

THE  CATHEDRAL  OF  PANAMA  AND  CORNER  OF  THE  PARK  92 

OCEAN  FRONT  AT  PANAMA 162 

RUINS  OF  SANTO  DOMINGO  CHURCH 172 

RUINED  TOWER  OF  OLD  PANAMA 178 

CLUB  HOUSE  ON  THE  SABANAS 222 

THE  CONGRESS  WAITING  FOR  LUNCH 224 

TABOGA  ISLAND 232 

SQUARE  IN  CoL6N 266 

WASHINGTON  HOTEL,  STREET  FRONT,  CoL6N 268 

PATH  LEADING  ACROSS  THE  LAWN  FROM  WASHINGTON 

HOTEL  TO  THE  BEACH 270 

CHRIST  CHURCH  AT  CoL6N,  SEEN  FROM  A  CORNER  OF 

THE  HOTEL 274 

DE  LESSEES  PALACE  AT  CHRISTOBAL 276 

MONUMENT  TO  COLUMBUS,  CHRISTOBAL 278 

COMBINATION  STORE  AND  RESIDENCE  AT  BOCAS  -DEL 

TORO 288 

A  BUNCH  OF  BANANAS 296 

TOUCAN,  OR  PREACHER  BIRD 304 


FOREWORD 


When  I  made  up  my  mind  to  go  to  Panama,  I 
could  find  no  guide  book.  I  had  to  depend  for  in- 
formation upon  the  advertising  matter  of  the  United 
Fruit  Company,  and  upon  the  experience  of  a  friend 
who  had  spent  a  few  days  there  on  business  and  who 
had  seen  nothing  but  swamps,  rusty  machinery,  poly- 
glot politicians  and  gesticulating  foreigners.  I  had 
no  conception  of  what  I  was  coming  to,  and  had  to 
be  content  with  the  reflection  that  he  who  has  no 
books  must  learn  by  experience.  On  the  other  hand, 
it  occurred  to  me  that  by  recording  the  main  facts 
and  mental  impressions  of  my  trip,  I  might  take  the 
reader  with  me  in  spirit  and  impart  to  him  such  knowl- 
edge as  would  be  of  use  to  him  if  he  went  there,  and 
of  interest  if  he  stayed  at  home,  for  he  who  has  no 
experience  must  learn  from  books. 

As  a  physician  attending  the  Pan-American  Med- 
ical Congress,  I  felt  that  I  was  not  competent  to  give 
the  accurate  general  information  sometimes  found  in 
guide  books,  and  that  I  should  be  more  concerned 
with  climate  and  disease  than  the  average  writer;  but 
on  the  other  hand  I  hoped  that,  since  my  viewpoint 
would  differ  somewhat  from  that  of  the  general  run 
of  writers,  my  impressions  might  not  be  unworthy  of 

7 


g  FOREWORD 

record,  and  might  contribute  in  their  way  to  a  better 
understanding  of  the  country  and  its  customs. 

Some  readers  will  think  that  the  book  is  too  full 
of  appetizers  and  nightcaps,  of  diet  and  donnerwet- 
ter,  and  they  will  be  right.  But  this  is  so  because  the 
narrative  is  honest  and  describes  what  was  seen  and 
felt  instead  of  what  ought  to  have  been,  or  might  have 
been,  seen  and  felt.  The  busy  majority  care  more 
about  what  was  than  what  ought  to  have  been.  What 
was  is  truth;  what  ought  to  have  been  is  fiction,  and 
the  worst  kind. 

Many  readers  will  conclude  to  wait  until  the  Unit- 
ed States  has  finished  the  reconstruction  of  the  cli- 
mate and  country  before  going  there,  and  will  agree 
with  me  in  saying  that  traveling  in  the  tropics,  like 
eating  and  sleeping,  should  be  done  at  home.  Indeed, 
the  absurdity  of  the  notion  that  it  is  necessary  to  leave 
home  in  order  to  study  a  guide  book,  should  be  taught 
to  our  travel-stricken  public.  Quarantine,  yellow 
fever,  yellow  jaundice,  black  water  fever,  white  swell- 
ing, elephantiasis,  ague,  anemia,  neurasthenia,  berri- 
berri,  leprosy,  dengue,  dropsy,  dysentery,  drinking 
habits,  and  dozens  of  other  dread  diseases  and  denoue- 
ments lie  in  wait  in  the  tropics.  The  romance  of  these 
things  does  not  consist  in  exposing  oneself  to  them, 
but  in  letting  others  do  it,  and  of  reading  about  it  af- 
terward. 


PART    I 


TO  PANAMA 


PANAMA  FLAG 


PART  I 


CHAPTER  I 

Chicago  to  New  Orleans — Principally  Chicago 

Chicago  as  a  Starting  Point  and  Business  Center  for  Panama 
— How  Food  is  Manufactured — Chicago  Modesty — 
Report  of  the  Commercial  Club's  Commission — Chicago 
the  Center  of  Culture — The  Illinois  Central — Southern 
Surgical  and  Gynecological  Society  at  Birmingham,  the 
Mushroom  City — The  Banquet — -Southern  Hospitality 
and  Wit — Extracts  from  Letter  Home — Insurance 
Against  Railway  Accidents — The  North  Versus  the 
South — Unveiling  of  a  Statue — The  Hahnemann  Statue 
at  Washington — New  Orleans — Loss  of  Valuables — Over 
Charge  at  Hotel — A  Machine-made  Clerk — An  Original 
Waiter — Southern  Service — Southern  Hospitality  and 
Conviviality — The  Beer  Cure — Old  English  Standard — 
Comforting  Reflection. 

Those  who  wish  to  go  to  Panama  should  start  from 
Chicago,  which  is  the  most  direct  route  to  Panama. 
In  order  to  get  there  all  one  has  to  do  is  to  go  south ; 
to  return  all  one  has  to  do  is  to  come  north.  Chicago 
is  at  one  end,  Panama  at  the  other. 

But  Chicago  is  not  only  the  natural  starting  place 
for  Panama,  it  is  the  natural  business  center  of  the 
Panama  Canal.  Chicago  sent  a  Chicago  man  to  build 

xx 


12  TO  PANAMA 

the  canal,  another  Chicago  man  to  boss  it,  others  to 
plan  it  and  others  to  provision  it;  and  when  the  time 
comes  will  be  ready  with  schemes  to  run  it.  Chicago 
believes  that  the  canal  must  be  constructed  and  con- 
ducted on  a  dual  plan,  the  interoceanic  and  the  ali- 
mentary— one  for  water  and  one  for  food.  And  she 
not  only  has  the  courage  of  her  convictions,  but  the 
ability  to  assert  them. 

Unjust  reflections  have  been  cast  upon  the  food 
which  Chicago  kills,  cures  and  puts  up  in  cans  for  the 
canal,  and  a  word  of  explanation  is  necessary.  It  has 
been  intimated  that  packing-house  boys  and  butchers 
sometimes  lose  their  footing  and  disappear  so  quickly 
that  they  can  not  be  recovered  or  recognized,  or  even 
indicated  on  the  labels.  But  these  facts  lack  confirma- 
tion and  the  packers  deny  them.  They  are  things  of 
the  past.  Indeed,  it  was  a  Chicago  man  who  demon- 
strated to  Congress  that  the  food  from  all  parts 
of  the  country  was  fit  neither  for  us  nor  for  Pan- 
ama. Thanks  to  his  demonstrativeness,  every- 
body now  knows  that  until  then  pepper  berries  were 
made  of  tapioca  kernels  colored  with  lamp  black ;  that 
preserved  cherries  were  bleached  with  acid,  colored 
with  poisonous  aniline,  and  used  to  contaminate  the 
cocktails  of  our  fathers  and  dye  the  hair  and  habits 
of  our  mothers ;  that  the  honey  of  our  childhood  was 
made  of  dead  bees  embalmed  in  sulphurous  glucose; 
that  Arabian  coffee  came  from  Brazil,  and  Italian 
olive  oil  from  Mississippi  cotton  fields;  that  fancy 
liquors  were  made  of  ethyl  alcohol  and  a  chemical 
filler;  and  that  breakfast  foods  were  underweight  in 


CHICAGO  TO  NEW  ORLEANS  13 

the  package  and  overweight  in  the  stomach.  We  now 
know  that  there  was  neither  a  sneeze  in  the  peppers 
nor  a  stomach  ache  in  the  berries,  and  that  the  only 
genuine  full  weight  articles  were  the  tin  cans  and 
pasteboard  boxes.  We  have  learned  that  lamp  black, 
mineral  acids,  sulphite  of  soda,  coal  tar  and  other 
embalmatives  were  used  in  the  manufacture  of  our 
popular  delicatessen,  that  the  manufacturers  bought 
them  at  forty  dollars  per  ton  in  five-ton  lots,  and  that 
the  United  States  supports  from  five  to  fifty  times  as 
many  doctors  per  capita  as  other  countries  do.  All 
this  has  become  history,  and  a  Chicago  man  made  it. 

And  now  that  Chicago  has  built  her  own  canal,  she 
is  ready  to  give  Uncle  Sam  the  benefit  of  her  unique 
experience.  She  has  made  water  flow  uphill  once,  and 
is  ready  to  do  it  again.  Chicago  is  always  ready.  She 
was  ready  with  Wallace  and  Shonts.  When  Bigelow 
tried  to  paint  the  White  House  red,  she  was  ready  with 
Stevens.  But  what  was  the  use?  Her  ways  and  the 
ways  of  Congress  were  different.  Congress  and  the 
people  who  trust  Congress  have  been  bent  upon  finding 
fault  and  raising  difficulties.  Canal  dirt  and  critical  dif- 
ficulties have  been  raised  in  equal  quantities,  but  not 
with  equal  facility.  Well-meaning  foreigners,  who 
work  for  the  future  and  live  in  the  past,  advised  a 
sea-level  canal,  knowing  that  Americans  are  good  at 
making  money  and  dirt  fly,  and  that  Chicago  could 
use  the  dirt  to  fill  up  Lake  Michigan.  Chicago  has 
known  better  all  the  time.  The  obviating  of  difficul- 
ties and  doubts  is  a  Chicago  idea.  But  Chicago  is 
not  as  yet  appreciated;  she  must  make  herself  heard. 


i4  TO  PANAMA 

However,  she  has  the  modesty  of  youth,  and  can 
wait.  She  who  talks  last,  talks  best.  In  the  mean- 
time she  is  deepening  her  own  canal,  and  will  soon 
have  navigable  water  between  Chicago  and  Panama, 
and  the  world  is  bound  to  know  it.  Her  motto  is, 
Know  Thyself ! — and  she  lives  up  to  it. 

The  following  resume  of  the  report  of  the  Com- 
mercial Club's  Panama  commission  appeared  about 
a  year  ago  in  the  Chicago  Tribune : 

"The  sanitary  condition  in  the  canal  belt  is  perfect. 
The  house  sanitation  is  above  criticism. 

"The  work  of  building  the  canal  is  progressing  with 
rapidity. 

"The  labor  is  efficient,  loyal  and  plentiful. 

"The  esprit  de  corps  of  the  whole  force  under  Engi- 
neer Stevens  was  characterized  as  'superb.' 

"Organization  of  the  working  force  is  without  a 
flaw. 

"All  the  climatic  dangers  have  been  eliminated  by 
the  work  of  Dr.  Gorgas,  the  sanitary  expert. 

"Panama  has  been  transformed  into  as  healthful  a 
place  to  live  as  any  of  the  Southern  states. 

"The  equipment  for  digging  the  canal  is  of  the 
highest  type. 

"The  only  criticism  made  by  the  various  members 
of  the  commission  may  be  summed  up  as  follows : 

"There  is  need  for  more  schools. 

"There  is  need  for  more  amusement  for  the  work- 
ing force. 

"Too  much  of  the  food  served  to  the  diggers  is 
csined.  Not  enough  fresh  vegetables  are  served. 


CHICAGO  To  NEW  ORLEANS  15 

"Although  these  were  the  only  criticisms  heard,  the 
members  of  the  commission  were  not  unanimous. 
Several  held  the  belief  that  the  food  supply  could  not 
be  improved.  It  was  pointed  out  that  the  govern- 
ment is  erecting  schools  rapidly  and  that  there  is  now 
under  construction  several  Y.  M.  C.  A.  buildings, 
which  will  afford  the  needed  recreation." 

If  that  was  so  under  Engineer  Stevens,  it  is  too 
bad  he  did  not  stay  down  there  to  keep  it  so.  I  hope 
that  the  Commercial  Club  commission  were  not  mere 
optimists;  that  they  did  not  mistake  entertainments 
for  attainments ;  that  the  equatorial  sun  did  not  dazzle 
their  Northern  eyes;  that  nature  is  not  deceiving  us 
by  a  temporary  show.  The  canal  work  needs  Chicago 
eyes. 

Chicago  is  already  recognized  as  the  center  of  cul- 
ture of  the  United  States.  Fredr.  P.  Fish,  of  the 
Massachusetts  Institute  of  Technology,  a  Boston 
man,  said  at  a  banquet  in  Chicago: 

"Chicago  is  on  the  culture  center 

For  all  time  the  Middle  West  as  represented  by  Chi- 
cago will  remain  the  center.  We  must  graft  the 
Western  point  of  view  on  our  Eastern  ideas  if  we  are 
to  progress."  Surely  a  wise  man  and  a  prophet  has 
come  out  of  the  East. 

As  Chicago  is  "the  culture  center"  of  the  United 
States,  the  part  she  played  at  the  last  meeting  of  the 
Pan-American  Medical  Congress  is  not  without  sig- 
nificance. She  sent  the  largest  number  of  delegates  of 
any  city  or  nation  and,  if  we  may  believe  the  evidence 
of  their  senses,  ran  the  Congress.  If  she  chooses  she 


t6  TO  PANAMA 

can  organize  a  Pan-American  Medical  Congress  all  by 
herself  that  will  run  itself.  She  can  furnish  all  of  the 
scientific  essays  and  discussions,  the  banquets  and  the 
banqueters,  the  reputation  and  the  reverberation  and, 
if  necessary,  the  attendance  and  the  talking. 

However,  to  come  back  to  where  we  started  from, 
the  Illinois  Central,  -it  was  that  Chicago  railway  which 
provided  the  chief  engineer  who  cut  the  red  tape  and 
started  a  revolution  in  methods.  He  cut  the  Gordian 
knot  by  cutting  the  whole  business.  The  Illinois  Cen- 
tral was,  of  course,  the  best  railway  for  me  to  take 
for  my  trip  to  Panama,  but  as  I  was  to  attend  the 
Southern  Surgical  and  Gynecological  Association  on 
my  way,  my  Chicago  modesty  suggested  the  patronage 
of  a  Southern  railway,  which  to  my  surprise  gave  me 
as  good  a  ride  as  the  Illinois  Central  gives.  The  only 
fault  I  found  with  it  was  that  its  express  trains  were 
too  accommodating. 

FOR  DOCTORS  ONLY. 

The  association  met  at  the  interesting  and  mush- 
room-growing, mining  and  manufacturing  center, 
Birmingham,  Ala.,  the  "New  City  of  the  New  South," 
where  men  and  money  are  said  to  make  each  other — 
doing  it  by  modern  methods,  and  in  large  quantities. 
In  this  Chicago  of  the  South  I  hoped  to  get  some 
pointers  on  medical,  surgical  and  social  customs  and 
curatives  appropriate  to  Southern  climates,  prepara- 
tory to  trusting  myself  in  the  deadly  tropics,  where 
water  is  laden  with  germs,  the  air  full  of  infection  and 
meat  is  spoiled  before  it  is  fit  to  eat. 


CHICAGO  TO  NEW  ORLEANS  17 

And  I  was  not  disappointed  in  my  expectations,  for 
the  profession  of  Birmingham,  in  return  for  the  heavy 
feast  of  science  afforded  by  the  visitors,  gave  us  a  ban- 
quet which  put  our  Northern  idealizations  and  realiza- 
tions to  shame.  It  was  celebrated  in  the  immense 
square  banquet  hall  of  Hotel  Hillman.  The  tables  were 
placed  around  the  room  near  the  walls,  leaving  a 
square  space  in  the  center  about  forty  feet  in  diameter 
decorated  to  represent  the  Vale  of  Cashmere.  This 
space  was  adorned  with  immense  prostrate  mirrors  for 
water,  a  profusion  of  tubs  of  tropical  plants  for  islands, 
electric  flashlights  above  for  twinkling  stars,  and  the 
expansive  toastmaster's  face  at  one  side  to  repre- 
sent the  rising  full  moon.  The  flowers  and  lights 
and  reflections  in  the  central  space,  bordered  by  the 
ornate  and  sumptuously  provisioned  tables,  constituted 
one  of  the  most  beautiful  and  intoxicating  sights  and 
experiences  of  the  kind  I  had  ever  seen  and  partaken 
of,  and  led  to  the  most  exuberant  five  hours'  flow  of 
wit  and  humor  of  which  I  have  any  personal  knowl- 
edge. 

The  toastmaster  was  a  physician  who  had  developed 
into  a  politician  and  post-prandial  celebrity,  and  who 
made  witty  speeches  enough  to  render  the  occasion 
memorable,  even  if  no  one  had  responded  to  his  toasts. 
He  infused  his  political  inversion  and  irresponsibil- 
ity of  speech  into  the  minds  of  those  upon  whom  he 
called,  so  that  the  most  solemn  and  scientific  of  our 
Northern  laboratory  plodders  and  surgical  experts 
mixed  the  most  unexpected  and  absurd  exaggeration 
into  their  carefully  prepared  scientific  and  soporific 


1 8  TO  PANAMA 

remarks.    They  forgot  to  be  instructive  and  became  en- 
tertaining. 

Even  the  Irish  were  outclassed.  Hereafter  I  shall 
always  speak  of  our  Southern  wit  and  humor  as  the 
most  spontaneous  and  exuberant  in  the  world.  The 
North  is  witty  because  it  is  partly  Irish,  the  South  is 
wittier  because  it  is  entirely  American. 

FOR  WOMEN  ONLY. 
Extract  from  Letter  Home. 

Wednesday,  Dec.  13,  1904. 
MY  DEAR : 

The  scientific  exercises  have  just  concluded  and 
before  dressing  for  the  banquet  I  will  make  use  of  the 
few  moments  between  the  diurnal  reading  and  the 
nocturnal  eating  of  articles,  to  inform  you  that  you 
have  lost  five  thousand  dollars.  Whenever  I  have 
insured  my  life  before  trusting  my  fate  to  the  reckless 
railway  management  which  this  country  cultivates, 
and  which  costs  from  one  to  two  lives  a  day  in  demon- 
strating how  two  trains  can  occupy  the  same  space 
at  the  same  time,  I  have  found  that  my  life  has  been 
spared  and  my  estate  has  lost  the  six  thousand  dollars 
of  insurance  money  for  which  I  had  contracted  and 
paid.  I  have  survived  so  often  that  I  am  beginning  to 
have  faith  in  the  insuring  method  as  a  life  preserver. 
I  know  of  nothing  else  that  has  protected  me  from  the 
ax  of  those  public  executioners  facetiously  called  rail- 
ways. If  the  government  would  only  give  attention  to 
the  regulation  of  railway  accidents  as  it  does  to  the 
regulation  of  railway  rates,  some  good  might  be  done. 
Railway  rates  are  simply  ruinous ;  railway  recklessness 
is  simply  regretable. 

I  am  well,  excepting  a  stiffness  and  soreness  in  my 
left  ankle,  which  reminds  me  that  I  got  away  just  in 


CHICAGO  TO  NEW  ORLEANS  19 

time  from  the  frozen  North,  where  people  eat  and 
freeze  too  much  and  get  rheumatism  and  appendicitis, 
to  visit  the  Sunny  South,  where  people  eat  and  drink 
too  much  and  get  rheumatism  and  appendicitis.  In 
the  North  we  think  that  the  cold  makes  us  healthy  and 
hardy,  while  in  the  south  people  think  that  appetizers 
and  night-caps  keep  them  healthy  and  happy.  And  I 
am  temporarily  inclined  to  think  that  the  Southerners 
must  be  half  right,  for  my  ankle  is  getting  better  al- 
ready. 

After  a  most  interesting  session  devoted  to  the  dis- 
cussion of  obscure  and  difficult  scientific  facts  and 
fancies,  the  society  adjourned  to  the  public  park  to 
unveil  the  statue  of  the  late  Wm.  Elias  Davis,  the 
eminent  Birmingham  surgeon  who  founded  the 
Southern  Surgical  and  Gynecological  Association.  It 
is  the  second  statue  that  has  been  erected  to  a  private 
individual  in  Alabama,  and  is  also  about  the  second 
attempt  of  the  kind  by  our  profession  in  the  United 
States,  the  statue  of  the  signer  of  the  Declaration  of 
Independence,  Dr.  Benjamin  Rush,  at  Washington 
being  the  first.  There  is  also  at  Washington  a  statue 
of  Hahnemann,  the  originator  of  the  once  popular 
fad,  homeopathy,  placed  there  by  a  few  fad  fellows 
before  they  faded  out. 

But  it  is  growing  dark  and  the  band  is  playing  and 
the  festivities  are  about  to  begin.  We  must  eat  and 
drink  and  get  merry,  which  is  the  lot  of  the  living. 

FOR  CHILDREN  ONLY. 
Extract  from  Letter  Home. 
NEW  ORLEANS,  Saturday,  Dec.  17,  1904. 

Here  I  am  in  "Ne  Awleens,"  where  Creoles  and 
crocodiles  grow.  At  least,  here  is  all  that  is  left  of 
me.  Umbrella,  railroad  ticket,  handkerchief,  necktie 
fastener,  appetite,  digestion,  etc.,  were  lost  on  the  way. 


20  TO  PANAMA 

My  valise  was  carried  away  in  my  car,  which  was 
quietly  detached  from  the  train  at  Montgomery  while 
I  was  walking  about  the  station  hunting  for  my  appe- 
tite. However,  I  inquired  and  ran  about  and  caught 
the  runaway  car  and  recovered  my  bag  and  my  appe- 
tite, but  not  my  umbrella.  An  honest  umbrella  does 
not  exist.  Who  remembers  ever  having  had  a  lost 
one  come  back,  or  a  found  one  go  back?  My  return 
ticket  was  taken  up  by  the  conductor  at  bedtime  but 
was  not  returned  to  me  in  the  morning  when  I  arrived 
in  Birmingham.  It  was  discovered  on  the  floor  in 
the  train,  and  left  at  the  ticket  office  at  New  Orleans 
by  a  stranger.  New  Orleans  has  one  more  hon- 
est man  than  our  other  large  cities,  which  are  dis- 
eased spots  on  the  earth's  surface,  where  human  para- 
sites predominate. 

However,  the  railway  officials  are  not  the  only 
absent-minded  men  in  the  South.  The  hotel  clerk  at 
Birmingham  charged  me  for  four  days  instead  of  two. 
I  should  merely  have  considered  the  hotel  a  high- 
priced  one  had  not  a  friend  told  me  that  he  had  been 
charged  for  three  days  instead  of  two.  But  after 
being  corrected,  my  bill  was  as  much  too  small  as  at 
first  it  was  too  large.  The  clerk  was  made  in  Bir- 
mingham where  everything  is  done  by  machinery.  To 
get  the  best  service  it  was  necessary  to  know  how  to 
run  him.  He  was  one  of  those  original  characters  who 
do  everything  differently — and  indifferently. 

When  I  went  to  breakfast  the  morning  after  the 
banquet,  I  ordered  nothing  but  coffee  and  rolls.  The 
negro  waiter,  who  was  another  original,  evidently 
had  also  been  up  late  the  night  before,  for  when  I 
gave  my  order  he  gaped  frightfully,  and  I  dodged. 
He  filled  it  (not  his  mouth)  correctly,  but  took  it  to 
a  fat  man  at  the  next  table,  who  had  ordered  a  real 
American  breakfast  and  who  scorned  to  accept  mere 
coffee  and  rolls,  although  he  looked  as  if  he  needed 


CHICAGO  TO  NEW  ORLEANS  21 

much  less  breakfast  than  I  did.  I  then  ordered  a 
glass  of  water  without  any  ice  in  it,  and  this  was  also 
taken  to  the  large  gentleman,  who  was  an  ice  drinker 
and  refused  it.  When  I  had  drunk  my  coffee,  glanced 
at  my  rolls  and  paid  my  bill,  my  change  also  went  to 
the  stranger;  but  it  also  was  not  enough  for  him.  If 
I  had  ordered  a  large  breakfast  and  had  thus  made 
the  waiter  work,  or  if  I  had  carried  a  pistol  within 
sight,  he  would  probably  have  brought  things  to  me 
when  he  forgot  to  whom  they  belonged.  He  bore  me 
no  ill-will,  however.  He  was  a  good  waiter,  as  are 
all  Southern  waiters,  if  only  one  knows  how  to  keep 
them  awake  and  interested,  and  excuse  mistakes.  I 
think  we  will  have  to  send  some  of  our  colored  wait- 
ers from  the  North  down  there. 

The  Southerners  are,  however,  far  ahead  of  us  in 
hospitality,  and  it  is  in  keeping  with  this  virtue  that 
they  drink  too  often.  I  do  not  think  that  they  drink 
for  the  sake  of  drinking,  as  often  as  do  many  of  our 
Northern  indulgers,  nor  do  they  often  drink  to  get 
drunk.  They  drink  to  be  hospitable  and  encourage 
one  another  and  whet  their  appetite.  Whether  they 
are  thus  socially  farther  advanced  than  we,  and  we 
will  follow  them,  or  whether  the  comparatively  large 
percentage  of  abstainers  in  the  North  is  an  advance, 
and  they  will  follow  us,  is  a  conundrum.  I  suppose 
that  they  really  drink  out  of  conservatism.  To  ab- 
stain would  be  too  radical  a  change.  If  liquor  could 
have  been  emancipated  with  the  slaves  and  sent  over 
the  border  to  Canada,  where  they  use  it  to  warm  their 
toes  and  melt  their  tongues,  it  would  have  been  better 
for  the  South  and  for  us.  Perhaps  the  increase  in 
the  consumption  of  beer  in  the  United  States  may  be- 
come our  salvation.  It  means  less  alcohol  and  less 
drunkenness,  more  gemutlichkeit  and  less  strenuous 
conviviality,  more  hobnob  livers  and  fewer  concrete 
kidneys. 


22  TO  PANAMA 

There  is  hope,  however,  for  Southerner  and  North- 
erner and  Canadian  if  we  may  credit  an  observation 
of  Sydney  Smith,  made  in  England  a  hundred  years 
ago.  While  speaking  of  the  improvements  he  had  ob- 
served during  his  lifetime  he  said: 

"I  forgot  to  add  .  .  .  that  even  in  the  best 
society  one  third  of  the  gentlemen  at  least  were  always 
drunk." 

The  following  quotation  of  Edward  Eggleston  is 
taken  from  an  editorial  in  American  Medicine,  Janu- 
ary 27,  1906: 

"It  was  estimated  early  in  the  eighteenth  century 
that  about  one  building  in  every  ten  in  Philadelphia 
was  used  in  some  way  for  the  sale  of  rum,  and  in 
Massachusetts,  Governor  Belcher  was  afraid  that  the 
colony  would  'be  deluged  with  spirituous  liquors/  " 

How  comforting  for  us  to  know  that  our  ancestors, 
from  a  temperance  standpoint,  were  worse  than  we 
are,  and  that  our  children  in  the  natural  course  of 
events  will  be  better  than  we  are. 


CHAPTER  II 

Getting  Off 

The  United  Fruit  Company's  Ships — Delay — Brushing  up 
in  Spanish — Getting  off — The  Musical  Engineer — Spil- 
ling Soup — Threatened  Arson — A  Resolve  Never  to  Take 
Too  Much  Liquor  Again — The  Pilot — Four  Miles  in  Two 
Hours — The  Captain's  Wink — Chicago  as  a  Joke — The 
Jetty — Unexhilarating  Speed — The  Zigzag  Habit. 

From  New  Orleans  the  United  Fruit  Company  sends 
a  steamer  every  week  to  Colon  and  Bocas  del  Toro,  in 
Panama,  and  one  to  Port  Limon,  in  Costa  Rica.  Most 
of  the  boats  are  small  and  better  adapted  to  the  ac- 
commodation and  comfort  of  bananas  than  of  human 
beings.  However,  those  who  are  poor  sailors  can, 
by  arranging  dates  and  taking  one  of  the  large  (?) 
ships,  get  to  Panama  almost  as  comfortably  as  from 
New  York,  and  in  a  little  over  half  the  time.  If  one 
is  a  good  equilibrist  and  loves  solitude,  there  is  even 
an  advantage  in  taking  one  of  the  smaller  fruit  boats, 
for  they  ordinarily  have  so  few  passengers  that  one 
has  almost  the  whole  boat  to  oneself — and  needs  it. 
Mr.  M.  J.  Dempsey,  the  traffic  manager  at  New  Or- 
leans of  the  United  Fruit  Company,  was  very  accom- 
modating and  painstaking,  both  in  corresponding  with 
me  and  in  placing  me  after  I  arrived  at  New  Orleans. 
The  company  is  better  than  its  boats. 

83 


24  TO  PANAMA 

Having  missed  the  Friday  boat  for  Colon,  I  made 
the  best  of  my  misfortune  by  feasting  on  fresh  oys- 
ters, French  cafe-au-lait  and  French  water-rolls.  In 
fact,  I  was  benefited  by  the  short  delay,  as  the  S.  S. 
Limon,  the  newest  and  largest  in  the  service,  sailed 
on  Monday  morning  directly  for  Port  Limon,  offering 
me  an  opportunity  of  visiting  San  Jose,  the  capital  of 
Costa  Rica,  the  so-called  Paris  of  Central  America, 
and  of  avoiding  the  crowd  of  doctors  who  were  going 
later.  In  this  case  I  was  particularly  anxious  to  avoid 
the  otherwise  congenial  crowd,  because  I  wanted  to 
get  away  from  English-speaking  people  during  the 
four  or  five  days  on  the  water.  Thus  I  would  have  a 
chance  to  brush  up  my  Spanish  by  being  forced  to 
speak  it  to  the  Central  American  passengers,  the  offi- 
cers, steward,  sailors,  etc.  I  would  then  be  better 
prepared  to  converse  with  the  South  American  doc- 
tors. But  when  I  went  aboard  I  found  that  the  S.  S. 
Limon  was  an  old  Glasgow  ship  with  a  new  name,  and 
had  a  Canadian  captain  and  Jamaican  crew.  The 
passengers  were  all  Americans  and  English,  and  I 
was  the  only  one  on  board  who  could  speak,  or  cared 
to  speak,  a  word  of  Spanish.  I  was,  therefore,  obliged 
to  brush  up  my  Spanish  without  a  brush. 

We  got  off  at  ii  A.  M.  There  were  several  pas- 
sengers standing  about  on  deck  gazing  listlessly  at  the 
negroes  on  the  dock, — but  not  a  friend  of  any  of  us 
could  be  seen,  not  a  smile  or  wave  of  hand  or  flutter 
of  handkerchief.  It  seemed  quite  doleful  not  even  to 
see  a  friend  or  relative  of  some  one  else. 

The  only  incident  that  varied  the  monotony  came 


GETTING  OFF  25 

near  being  an  accident.  It  was  the  arrival  of  one  of 
the  engineers,  who  was  a  man  of  unusually  refined 
features  for  one  in  his  station  of  life,  but  who  was  in 
such  a  happy  state  of  mind  that  had  it  not  been  for 
the  assistance  of  his  peers  he  would  have  walked  off 
the  gangplank  into  the  water,  for  he  took  two  steps 
and  stoops  sideways  to  every  one  forward.  He  was 
softly  singing,  "For  to-night  we'll  merry,  merry  be; 
to-morrow  we'll  be  shober."  I  felt  relieved  when  I 
saw  that  he  was  safely  aboard  where  liquor  was  not 
sold,  and  I  realized  for  the  first  time  what  a  great 
blessing  ships  were  to  sailors.  As  soon  as  he  was 
safely  over  the  gangplank  he  straightened  up  and 
said,  "I'm  the  besht  eng'neer  aboard.  I  can  run  an 
engine  better'n  I  can  walk  a  plank.  I've  been  drink- 
ing like  the but  I'm  not  drunk.  I'm  a  Christian 

scientist,  I  am.  I  only  think  I'm  drunk  (hie)." 

About  an  hour  afterward  as  I  was  wandering  about 
exploring  the  ship,  I  came  across  him  balancing  him- 
self along  on  his  way  from  the  kitchen  to  the  mess 
room,  carrying  a  big  iron  pot  of  greasy  soup  and  spill- 
ing it  liberally.  Upon  seeing  me,  he  smiled  blandly 
and  said: 

"Good  shoup  this,  ain't  it?" 

"Yes,  I  see  it  is.  If  you  can  eat  that  you're  all 
right." 

"Oh,  I'm  aw  right  (hie) !"  he  said,  as  he  allowed 
about  a  pint  of  the  soup  to  spill  upon  the  deck.  "It's 
the  shoup  that's  gone  wrong.  It's  half  seas  over  aw- 
ready." 

After  a  moment's  pause  he  began  again:  "Is  this 
your  firsht  trip  to  the  tropics?" 


26  TO  PANAMA 

"Yes,  I  want  to  see  them  before  I  die." 

"Better  wait  till  you  die.  It's  a  — 11  of  a  place  for 
a  live  man.  I'm  going  to  set  the  ship  on  fire  at  five 
o'clock.  I've  been  drinking,  but  I'm  as  shober  as 
blue  blazes  now,  and  I'm  going  to  shelebrate — she- 
(hic)elebrate." 

Seeing  my  chance  to  do  some  missionary  work,  I 
asked  him  why  he  didn't  join  a  temperance  club,  and 
thus  relieve  himself  of  all  temptation  to  drink. 

"No  club  for  me,  sir.  Had  enough  clubbing  when 
I's  a  boy.  Rather  be  hit  by  a  cocktail.  W'iskey's  the 
life  of  temper'nce  clubs.  Keeps  'em  going  (hie). 
W'iskey  causes  more  good  resolutions  than  bad  ones — 
makes  people  wish  to  be  better.  An'  what's  better'n 
that?" 

He  stopped  talking  and  stood  grinning  at  me  as  I 
moved  slowly  away  and  faintly  returned  his  smile.  I 
then  and  there  resolved  never  to  take  too  much  liquor 
again  in  any  form.  All  men  should  sign  the  pledge 
before  they  die,  as  I  expect  to  do.  But  as  it  was,  I 
feared  I  might  never  have  a  chance  to  drink  anything 
but  Mississippi  River  water  after  five  o'clock,  when 
the  ship  was  to  burn.  However,  I  calculated  that 
since  we  would  not  be  out  of  the  river  and  away  from 
land  until  six  or  seven  o'clock,  which  would  be  from 
one  to  two  hours  after  the  fire,  we  could  all  save  our- 
selves with  life-preservers.  So  I  went  to  my  state- 
room and  finding  that  my  life-preservers  had  real 
cork  in  them,  instead  of  old-fashioned  pig-iron,  tied 
one  to  my  valise  and  two  to  my  trunk.  Then  I  went 
back  on  deck  and,  being  prepared  for  the  danger,  soon 
forgot  all  about  it. 


GETTING  OFF  27 

After  speeding  around  many  river-bends  for  two 
hours  we  went  down  to  lunch,  and  the  pilot,  who  ate 
with  us,  told  us  among  other  things  that  we  were  just 
four  miles  from  New  Orleans,  across  country.  I 
told  him  not  to  hurry  so,  but  to  remember  that  "the 
more  haste  the  less  speed ;"  that  on  the  Chicago  River 
we  would  have  traveled  many  miles  in  two  hours,  and 
that  in  Chicago  we  could  walk  faster  than  this  boat  ran ; 
we  could  walk  four  miles  in  one  hour.  The  pilot 
thought  that  I  was  in  earnest  and  winked  at  the 
captain,  who  was  of  English  descent  and  knew  that  a 
wink  meant  a  joke.  So  he  winked  at  both  of  us,  and 
asked  no  questions.  I  afterward  learned  that  the 
mention  of  Chicago  was  the  joke  they  meant. 

Although  it  was  the  third  week  of  December,  the 
shores  were  green  and  the  scenery  was  interesting  all 
the  way,  and  the  weather  was  warm  enough  to  enable 
us  to  enjoy  it.  The  delta  presented  the  appearance 
of  numerous  small  lakes  with  strips  of  meadow  land 
between  them,  instead  of  branching  streams  as  marked 
on  the  maps.  We  saw  some  fine  plantations  and  a  fine 
herd  of  cattle.  Indeed,  the  district  appeared  to  be 
an  ideal  one  for  raising  cattle,  as  grass  and  water 
were  plentiful,  shelter  unnecessary  and  fences  super- 
fluous. 

Soon  after  six  o'clock  we  came  to  the  outlet  which 
was  indicated  by  a  jetty  on  our  left  and  the  open  sea 
ahead.  The  jetty  was  a  pier  built  where  the  current 
could  strike  it  and  hollow  out  its  own  channel,  the 
same  as  it  does  all  along  the  river  when  it  strikes  the 
banks  at  the  bends.  A  lighthouse  and  searchlight 


28  TO  PANAMA 

were,  of  course,  on  the  end  of  the  pier,  which  was  a 
much  smaller  and  simpler  structure  than  I  had  con- 
sidered necessary.  The  simple  device  was,  as  usual, 
the  successful  one. 

The  pilot  got  off  here,  but  stopped  and  shook  hands 
with  me,  and  asked  if  I  had  enjoyed  the  ride.  He  told 
me  that  we  had  made  one  of  the  quickest  runs  to  the 
mouth  of  the  river  on  record  for  a  fruit  boat.  I  said : 
"As  far  as  I've  got  I  can't  conscientiously  say  that  I 
am  exhilarated  by  the  speed.  Bananas  that  want  to 
ripen  while  they  ride  can't  complain,  however.  The 
river  takes  two  dips  sideways  to  every  one  forward 
like  the  best  engineer  who  came  aboard  half  seas  over, 
and  I  can't  comprehend  how  a  man  as  sober  and 
steady  as  you  seem  to  be  can  keep  the  ship  going  that 
way  without  forgetting  himself  at  times  and  letting  it 
take  a  straight  and  proper  step  or  two  occasionally 
and  run  into  the  shore." 

"Well,  it's  this  way,"  he  answered.  "We  become 
so  accustomed  to  the  zigzag  course  that  zigzagging 
becomes  a  habit,  and  we  find  it  hard  to  keep  straight." 

"Yes,"  I  said,  "and  the  engineers  are  acquiring 
the  zigzag  habit,  too." 

As  I  did  not  bring  in  Chicago  he  didn't  see  any  joke. 


CHAPTER  III 
At  Sea 

The  Weather — Packing  the  Stomach — A  Diatribe  on  Cooks 
and  Cooking — Uncooked  Food  as  a  Diet — Survival  of 
the  Fittest — New  England  Diet — First  Impressions  and 
Facts — The  Passengers — The  Englishman — A  Phantom 
Laugh — The  Stewardess — Beef  Tea — A  Recreation 
Famine — The  Universal  Enjoyment — An  Old  English 
Table  d'Hote— White  Ducks  and  Rain— Highballs  and 
High  Life— Bad  Effects  of  Water— A  Temperate  Cap- 
tain and  Crew — Scenery  and  Poetry — How  People  Get 
What  They  Want — The  Southern  Cross  and  Others — 
Advice. 

FROM  DIARY. 

Tuesday,  December  2Oth. — Smooth  sea.  Weather 
cool  but  pleasant.  The  temperature  at  New  Orleans 
was  about  twenty  degrees  Fahrenheit  warmer  than 
at  Chicago,  and  this  afternoon  is  nearly  ten  degrees 
warmer  than  it  was  at  New  Orleans  yesterday.  We 
are  headed  almost  due  south  and  expect  soon  to 
breathe  the  balmy  air  of  the  Caribbean  Sea.  It  is  so  far 
a  pleasant  winter  experience  to  wake  up  each  morning 
and  find  the  air  about  ten  degrees  warmer  than  on  the 
day  before. 

What  a  change  from  busy  Chicago  life  it  is  to  have 
nothing  to  do  all  day  long  but  read  novels  and  talk 
small  talk,  and  linger  leisurely  over  one's  meals  with 

29 


30  TO  PANAMA 

strangers  gathered  together  from  various  parts  of 
Anglo-Saxondom.  We  lingered  over  the  food  to-day 
until  we  had  eaten  enough  for  two  dinners.  It  was 
not  that  we  felt  the  need  of  a  double  dinner,  but 
largely  out  of  a  subconscious  imitation  of  each  other. 
When  among  eaters  do  as  eaters  do,  is  the  philosophy 
of  it.  There  is  no  place  where  people  enjoy  and  un- 
derstand the  packing  and  filling  up  of  their  adjustable 
and  dilatable  stomachs  better  than  on  shipboard.  When 
they  pack  their  trunks  and  bags  they  do  not  overload 
them,  for  they  know  that  there  is  danger  of  straining 
or  bursting  them,  and  they  do  not  wet  and  soak  things 
down  in  their  trunks  in  order  to  make  them  pack 
tighter,  as  they  do  in  their  stomachs.  They  know 
that  the  stomach,  which  was  not  made  by  hands,  will 
not  burst. 

But  eating  can  not  unfortunately  be  made  to  fill  in 
the  whole  of  our  time,  even  on  shipboard  and  with 
saltwater  appetites.  If  we  had  four  stomachs,  like  a 
cow,  and  could  devote  all  of  our  time  either  to  eating, 
or  the  chewing  of  cuds,  how  simple  life  would  become 
for  many  of  us.  Idle  men  would  be  kept  from  mis- 
chief and  idle  women  from  worry.  Our  enjoyment 
would  be  simple  and  continual,  sanitary  and  convivial. 
However,  our  mode  of  living  and  the  economy  of  our 
functions  are  such  that  we  can  not  utilize  much  bulky 
nourishment,  as  do  our  bovine  models,  whose  heads 
and  limbs  are  mere  appendages  to  their  stomachs ;  and 
our  methods  of  preparing  food  are  such  that  we  do 
not  have  to  do  the  work  with  our  teeth.  We  thus  lose 
much  of  the  benefit  as  well  as  harmless  pleasure  that 


AT  SEA  31 

animals  derive  from  the  preparation  of  their  own 
meals.  Our  lips  are  shrinking  and  our  jaws  degen- 
erating for  want  of  work. 

There  is  much  to  be  said  in  favor  of  doing  your 
cooking  in  your  own  mouth.  Mouths  are  often  the 
most  unclean  of  cavities,  yet  who  would  not  rather 
trust  his  own  mouth  than  the  methods  of  the  average 
kitchen  blunderer  with  her  germ-laden,  all-invading 
hands,  tasting  spoons,  wandering  hairs,  dusty  dishes, 
coughs,  colds,  salt  rheums,  etc.  No  one  has  seen  the 
cook  drinking  out  of  the  water  bottle,  tasting  the  food, 
and  handling  the  salt,  the  dough,  the  waste-pail,  the 
dish  cloth,  the  berries  and  the  bread  with  fingers  that 
are  licked  instead  of  being  washed  every  time  she 
handles  these  things  and  her  hair,  but  would  wish  to 
possess  the  jaw  and  juices  of  an  animal  to  enable  him  to 
save  the  wages,  waste  and  culinary  wantonness  of  a 
cook;  and  avoid  the  appendicitis,  gastric  ulcer,  fer- 
mentation, diabetes,  Bright's  disease,  entero-colitis 
and  acid  fermentation  that  have  developed  with  the 
development  of  the  art  of  eating.  Modern  cooking 
is  a  bold  and  unscrupulous  attempt  to  create,  by  means 
of  variously  flavored,  complicated  mixtures,  a  desire 
for  artificial  food,  instead  of  depending  upon  a  nat- 
ural appetite  for  a  few  simple  articles,  such  as  exists 
throughout  the  animal  kingdom  where  irresponsible 
cooks  have  not  interfered. 

It  is  an  open  question  whether  the  human  system 
is  not  adapted  to  the  consumption  of  much  more  un- 
cooked food  than  is  at  present  allowed,  and  whether 
the  cooking  in  many  instances  does  not  destroy  fer- 


3*  TO  PANAMA 

ments  that  aid  digestion,  and  does  not  thus  render  the 
digestion  of  foods  more  difficult  or  imperfect.  Fresh 
raw  milk  is  more  nourishing  and  more  easily  digested 
by  normal  digestive  organs  than  cooked  milk,  and  this 
is  true  of  eggs,  oysters,  beef,  cheese,  tomatoes,  but- 
ter, etc.  Celery,  radishes,  cucumbers,  cresses,  pars- 
ley, asparagus,  onions,  honey,  fresh  and  dried  fruits, 
nuts,  aromatics,  ripe  olives,  olive  oil,  smoked  and 
dried  meats,  besides  many  other  herbs  and  fruits  that 
are  habitually  eaten  raw  in  warm  and  tropical  coun- 
tries, ought  to  enter  more  extensively  into  our  diet 
and  be  made  to  greatly  reduce  the  amount  of  kitchen 
mixtures  that  now  tempts  us  toward  an  overfed  ane- 
mia, dyspeptic  insomnia,  toxic  obesity  and  premature 
death.  The  above  mentioned  foods  constitute  an  am- 
ple dietary  for  the  average  individual.  By  cooking 
we  aim  to  facilitate  and  quicken  the  digestion  of  food, 
and  render  it  more  complete,  forgetting  that  a  larger 
amount  of  undigested  debris  might  maintain  a  more 
normal  action  of  the  intestines. 

Food  kept  for  consumption  in  the  winter  time  in 
cold  climates,  or  in  arid  districts  far  away  from  its 
production,  would  in  part  require  cooking,  but  that 
made  of  grains  could  be  prepared  at  laboratories  in 
a  dry,  unchangeable,  sterile  form,  while  some  of  the 
animal  and  fatty  foods  could  be  partly  predigested 
and  preserved  for  invalids.  In  fact,  a  diet  could  be 
planned  that  would  render  the  kitchen  unnecessary 
except  as  a  place  to  make  ready  a  hot  drink  or  to 
warm  food  already  prepared  and  preserved  according 
to  the  dictates  of  science  instead  of  by  the  art  of 


AT  SEA  33 

uneducated,  uncultured,  unclean,  bad-tempered,  hap- 
hazard cooks. 

The  political  crime  of  1890  was  the  putting  of  sugar 
on  the  free  list.  It  was  a  covert  attack  upon  the 
women  and  children  of  the  country  by  rendering  it 
easier  for  them  to  slowly  poison  themselves  i.  e.,  to 
sweeten  themselves  to  death.  A  relish  for  sweets  has 
been  given  man  to  lead  him  to  eat  fruits  and  to  chew 
his  starchy  food  until  it  develops  that  sweet  taste 
which  indicates  beginning  digestion.  It  is  this  relish 
for  sweet  that  leads  herbivorous  animals  to  chew  their 
food  so  thoroughly.  That  a  taste  for  sweets  is  not 
intended  to  lead  people  to  eat  artificial  sweets  is  evi- 
dent from  the  fact  that,  excepting  honey,  which  is 
meant  for  bees,  there  is  no  such  concentrated  sweet 
as  sugar  to  be  found  in  nature.  But  man  began  to 
extract  the  sugar  from  the  sugar  cane,  the  beet  and 
the  grape  and  eat  it  in  large  quantities  in  its  concen- 
trated, unnatural  form,  and  to  put  it  in  food  that, 
without  it,  would  not  be  relished,  and  which,  there- 
fore, should  not  be  eaten  until  hunger  gave  its  relish. 
As  a  consequence  he  has  become  the  victim  of  salt 
rheums,  pimples,  hives  and  other  agonies  of  itching 
and  ugliness. 

Sugar  is  the  devil  conjured  by  man  to  entertain  his 
sweetheart  or  wife,  and  keep  his  children  quiet.  Sug- 
ar is  the  serpent  of  a  civilized  Eden.  He  corrupts 
the  human  body  before  it  is  developed,  and  after.  He 
squanders  the  pocket  money  and  perverts  the  appe- 
tite of  the  fairer  half  of  humanity,  until  it  thinks  that 
it  would  starve  without  his  support,  and  refuses  to 

3 


34  TO  PANAMA 

nourish  itself  without  his  aid.  Let  him  be  banished 
from  the  public  view  and  be  locked  up  again  in  the 
cane  and  the  beet  where  he  can  be  enjoyed  only  in 
harmless  attenuations  and  in  digestible  quantities.  A 
little  of  the  devil  goes  a  great  way.  Too  much  of  him 
breeds  disease  and  doctors  to  condemn  and  conduct 
us  to  the  grave. 

But  the  self-denial  of  such  a  return  to  nature  and 
abandonment  of  the  pleasure  of  eating  a  variety  of 
complicated,  fancifully  flavored  and  abnormally 
tempting  food  mixtures  is  hardly  to  be  expected  of  a 
gastronomically  perverted  humanity.  Humanity 
knows  enough  to  tempt  itself,  and  it  will  do  so.  The 
rapidly  multiplying  wealthy  class  has  the  means  of 
over-indulging  itself,  and  will  make  use  of  them,  and 
the  common  lot  will  follow  suit.  Deterioration,  de- 
generation and  individual  extinction  will  be  the  logi- 
cal result.  Survival  of  the  fittest  thus  becomes  a  mat- 
ter of  appetite.  To  kill  oneself  by  degrees  within  the 
three-score-and-ten  is  becoming  the  easiest  and  most 
agreeable  of  occupations;  much  easier  and  more  en- 
joyable than  slowly  dieting  oneself  to  death,  as  Luigi 
Cornaro  did  at  the  age  of  103  years.  He  ate  but  little 
here  below,  but  ate  that  little  long. 

There  are  many  who  believe  that  what  is  generally 
adopted  as  a  custom  by  the  mass  of  the  people  must 
be  right,  and  that  since  we  have  been  eating  as  we 
now  do  for  a  long  time,  and  are  longer  lived  than 
formerly,  we  should  continue  doing  so.  Apropos  of 
this  I  will  quote  from  the  writings  of  Volney,  a 
Frenchman  who  traveled  in  the  United  States  seventy 
years  ago: 


AT  SEA  35 

"I  will  venture  to  say  that  if  a  prize  were  proposed 
for  the  scheme  of  a  regimen  most  calculated  to  injure 
the  stomach,  the  teeth  and  the  health  in  general,  no 
better  could  be  invented  than  that  of  Americans.  In 
the  morning  at  breakfast,  they  deluge  their  stomach 
with  a  quart  of  hot  water,  impregnated  with  tea,  or 
slightly  so  with  coffee,  that  is  mere  colored  water; 
and  they  swallow,  almost  without  chewing,  hot  bread, 
half-baked  toast  soaked  in  butter,  cheese  of  the  fattest 
kind,  slices  of  salt  or  hung  beef,  ham,  etc.,  all  of  which 
are  nearly  insoluble.  At  dinner,  they  have  boiled 
pastes  under  the  name  of  puddings,  and  the  fattest 
are  esteemed  the  most  delicious ;  all  their  sauces,  even 
for  roasted  beef,  are  melted  butter;  their  turnips  and 
potatoes  swim  in  lard,  butter,  or  fat;  under  the 
name  of  pumpkin  pie  their  pastry  is  nothing  but  a 
greasy  paste,  never  sufficiently  baked;  to  digest  these 
substances  they  take  tea  almost  instantly  after  dinner, 
making  it  so  strong  that  it  is  absolutely  bitter  to  the 
taste,  in  which  state  it  affects  the  nerves  so  powerfully 
that  even  the  English  find  it  brings  on  more  obstinate 
restlessness  than  coffee.  Supper  again  introduces  salt 
meats  or  oysters.  As  Chastelux  says,  the  whole  day 
passes  in  heaping  indigestions  on  one  another;  and 
to  give  tone  to  the  poor,  relaxed  and  wearied  stom- 
ach, they  drink  Madeira  rum,  French  brandy,  gin  or 
malt  spirits,  which  complete  the  ruin  of  the  nervous 
system." 

Man  seems  to  be  the  only  animal  that  doesn't  know 
how  to  eat.  But  as  we  have  apparently  eaten  without 
knowing  how,  and  have  been  dyspeptic  for  the  seven- 


36  TO  PANAMA 

ty  years  since  Volney  wrote,  and  probably  for  seven- 
ty years  before  that,  why  not  eat  in  this  way  and  re- 
main dyspeptic  for  the  next  seventy  years?  We  have 
been  dyspeptic  so  long  that  proper  food  and  normal 
function  might  prove  a  disastrous  change  of  environ- 
ment to  our  stomachs.  Innovations  are  apt  to  prove 
dangerous.  Let  us  be  conservative,  and  do  right  with 
caution.  This  precocious,  overgrown,  youthful  coun- 
try needs  above  all  to  be  conservative,  and  above  all 
wants  conserves. 

But  since  the  agreeable  gustatory  occupation  of 
doing  the  cooking  in  nature's  individual  kitchen  is 
denied  us,  we  passengers  are  at  the  mercy  of  the  ship's 
cook.  I  wonder  how  clean  he  and  his  materials  are. 
And  as  the  process  of  swallowing  and  washing  down 
his  mixtures  can  not  be  made  to  occupy  all  of  our  wak- 
ing hours,  we  will  have  to  sandwich  in  a  few  games 
of  cards,  a  few  cotillions,  cigars,  siestas  and,  at  ap- 
propriate times,  a  few  turns  of  mal-de-mer. 

Wednesday,  December  2ist. — How  different  stran- 
gers often  are  from  the  first  impression  they 
make  upon  us.  If  we  revealed  ourselves  upon  first 
sight  just  as  we  really  are  in  this  democratic  coun- 
try, in  which  the  poor  are  rich  and  the  rich  poor, 
according  to  the  mutations  of  the  markets,  and  where 
we  can  not  always  distinguish  a  Brahmin  from  a 
blowhard,  we  would  be  quickly  divided  into  social 
castes,  and  would  find  new  levels.  Even  in  tra- 
ditional monarchies  a  large  proportion  of  the  nobility 
are  Brahmins  by  birth  only.  The  fabric  of  society 
is  woven  out  of  lies,  for  lies  are  not  words  pronounced 


AT  SEA 


37 


but  impressions  produced.  In  fact,  all  the  world's  a 
lie,  and  men  and  women  play  their  parts  therein.  The 
word  falsehood  is  merely  the  name  for  a  feminine 
fabric  which  conceals  the  hair  that  nature  made  to 
conceal  the  head.  Our  customs  encourage  false 
hoods,  false  hair,  false  teeth  and  false  modesty,  for 
who  would  marry  a  person  without  hood,  hair,  teeth 
or  modesty?  Better  dead  than  without  them.  Better 
to  have  lived  and  lied  than  not  to  have  lied  at  all. 

All  of  the  passengers  of  the  S.  S.  Limon  are  first- 
class  liars,  I  mean  first-impression  liars,  like  the  rest 
of  the  world.  I  have  constructed  two  descriptive 
columns  to  show  the  impression  they  produced  upon 
me  at  the  first  meal  and  the  facts  as  I  have  since 
learned  them. 


First  Impression. 

Captain  is  an  English- 
man. 

An  Englishman  and  his 
wife  traveling  for 
pleasure,  probably  on 
their  honeymoon. 

American  army  captain 
going  to  some  post  in 
the  tropics  with  his 
wife. 


Facts. 
Captain  is  a  Canadian. 

Englishman  with  wife 
returning  to  Costa 
Rica,  where  he  is  in 
business.  Married  many 
years. 

Insurance  agent  and  cap- 
tain of  militia  going  to 
Costa  Rica  to  look  after 
mining  interests.  Is 
president  and  organizer 
of  the  company. 


38  TO  PANAMA 

First  Impression.  Facts. 

Emaciated  young  man  Relative  of  insurance 
traveling  for  his  health.  agent  and  secretary  of 
Either  a  dyspeptic  or  mining  company, 
consumptive.  Starved  from  overeat- 

ing. 

A  Spaniard  going  to  his  An  engineer  with  a  Scotch 
tropical  home  with  his  brogue,  superintending 
daughter,  a  dark  young  a  new  ice  plant  just  put 
lady.  in  the  ship.  No  relation 

to  dark  young  lady, 
who  is  the  lady's  maid 
of  the  wife  of  the 
Englishman. 

We  also  have  at  the  table  a  young  American  who 
is  a  clerk  in  the  offices  of  the  United  Fruit  Company 
at  Port  Limon,  the  second  mate  and  the  purser.  The 
English  couple  and  the  insurance  agent  have  been  in 
the  tropics  before  and  have  learned  not  to  drink  ship 
water  or  Central  American  water,  and  keep  the  two 
waiters  busy  bringing  beer,  wine,  highballs,  Apolli- 
naris  water  and  ginger  ale,  somewhat  to  the  incon- 
venience of  the  rest  of  us  who  have  to  -await  the 
return  of  the  waiters  with  these  articles  before  we 
can  be  served  with  our  food. 

The  Englishman  sits  in  a  corner  of  the  smoking- 
room  and  smokes  a  pipe  after  each  meal.  While 
smoking  these  three  pipefuls,  which  seem  to  be  his 
daily  allowance,  he  studies  American  history  out  of 
Winston  Churchill's  novel,  "The  Crossing."  He  is 


AT  SEA  39 

one  of  those  practical  Englishmen  who  believe  that 
he  who  laughs  last  laughs  best.  He  asked  me  this 
morning  why  the  United  States  did  not  keep  Cuba 
when  she  first  had  her;  and  I  could  not  convince 
him  that  it  was  neither  expedient  nor  honorable  to 
annex  the  island  at  that  time.  In  fact,  before  we  got 
through  with  our  discussion  I  felt  like  apologizing 
to  him  for  our  honorable  action  in  the  matter,  for 
doing  our  duty  as  we  saw  it.  The  English  believe 
in  our  duty  as  they  see  it.  He  considered  our  dealings 
with  Cuba  as  a  huge  American  joke,  a  subject  for 
the  pen  of  a  Mark  Twain  or  a  W.  W.  Jacobs,  and  that 
a  keener  sense  of  humor  would  have  saved  us  from 
the  mistake. 

Thursday,  December  22nd. — We  have  three  flesh 
and  blood  visible  ladies  aboard,  and  a  stewardess. 
A  stewardess  usually  passes  for  flesh  and  blood 
also.  This  one,  however,  is  a  sort  of  phantom 
lady  who  is  always  heard,  but  seldom  seen.  Until 
this  morning  she  was  nothing  but  a  laugh.  She 
had  not,  to  my  personal  knowledge,  been  seen  on 
deck.  She,  however,  had  frequently  made  herself 
known  by  her  laugh  which  every  once  in  a  while 
would  ring  out,  or  rather  up,  from  below  like  a 
chime  of  tiny  bells  started  by  the  wind,  and  making 
melody  because  they  couldn't  help  it.  When  we 
feel  well  we  are  stirred  up  by  the  laugh  and  feel 
like  joining  in,  but  when  the  waves  are  swinging  our 
heads  around,  it  sounds  unnatural  and  phantom-like, 
and  strikes  an  unsympathetic  chord  in  our  pneumo- 
gastric  nerve  fibers.  I  had  heard  the  laugh  many 


40  TO  PANAMA 

times  and  had  enjoyed  it  until  this  morning,  when  I 
was  lying  back  in  my  steamer  chair  practicing  Chris- 
tian Science  without  any  comfort.  Every  few  moments 
the  ship  would  give  a  lurch,  and  so  nearly  turn  over 
that  it  seemed  as  if  it  could  not  right  up,  and  the 
ladies  would  say  o-oh !  and  the  phantom  laugh  would 
be  heard  coming  up  from  below.  I  took  to  shutting 
my  dizzy  eyes  and  saying  mentally :  "Go  over,  if  you 
wish,  old  banana  box!  If  only  my  stomach  will  keep 
right  side  out  until  we  go  down  and  I  become  uncon- 
scious!— Laugh  on,  young  lady!  It's  all  right  for  an 
invisible  stewardess  who  hasn't  any  nerves  in  her 
stomach  (if  she  has  one)  and  nothing  but  haw-haws 
in  her  brain  (if  she  has  one)  to  laugh,  for  I  can't  help 
it.  But  even  Solomon  said  that  there  was  a  time  to 
laugh  and  a  time  not  to  laugh." 

While  I  was  thus  moralizing  the  laugh  suddenly 
appeared  on  deck  in  coiffe  and  corset,  smiling  and 
balancing  airily  while  the  ship  tried  to  dump  it  over- 
board. It  was  a  white-aproned,  pink-skinned,  flaxen- 
haired,  pleb-featured  apparition,  as  plump  and  un- 
phantom-like  as  flesh  and  blood  with  a  cockney  ac- 
cent could  be.  It  was  searching  for  sick  women,  and 
immediately  spied  me.  It  stopped  and  said:- 

"  'Ave  you  'ad  any  breakfast,  sir?" 

"Yes,"  I  said,  "I  have  had  breakfast  all  of  my  life, 
thank  you." 

"Won't  you  'ave  a  cup  of  beef  tea,  sir?  It  works 
like  a  charm." 

"No,  thank  you.  I  don't  want  anything  that  will 
work.  You  give  us  plenty  to  eat,  but  you  don't  keep 


AT  SEA  41 

it  down.  Dieting  is  the  best  thing  for  ship  food.  I 
was  told  to  diet  several  years  ago,  and  I  wish  I'd 
done  it.  The  opportunity  has  come  now." 

It  smiled  at  me  as  if  I  was  a  spoiled  child,  and 
balanced  about  among  the  ladies  in  a  way  that  made 
my  head  swim,  until  finally  it  disappeared. 

In  a  little  while  it  sent  up  a  cup  of  beef  tea  by  the 
shuffling,  cross-eyed,  colorless,  albino-haired,  cockney 
steward.  The  stuff  looked  good,  however,  and  I 
braced  up  and  drank  the  health  of  the  flower  of  the 
English  meadows  that  had  blossomed  on  the  beauti- 
ful land  and  now  bloomed  on  the  blooming  sea,  and 
felt  better.  The  beef  tea  suffered  no  harm,  and  I  no 
longer  wished  to  be  thrown  overboard.  In  fact,  with- 
in two  hours  afterward  I  went  down  to  the  dining- 
room  and  ate  leather  and  doepaste,  and  drank  luke- 
warm mud-decoction  with  a  favorable  termination. 

Friday,  December  23rd. — We  arrive  at  Port  Limon 
to-morrow  morning,  and  so  far  no  Spanish  lessons, 
no  cotillions,  no  cake-walks,  no  negro  minstrels,  no 
shuffle-board,  no  music,  not  even  poker  or  pools  on 
the  daily  run ;  nothing  doing  but  the  moonlight  tete-a- 
tetes  of  the  United  Fruit  Company's  clerk  from 
Limon  and  the  lady's  maid  from  London.  He  evi- 
dently regards  her  as  edible.  Watching  them  with 
parental  interest  and  sympathetic  reminiscence  is  the 
only  recreation  we  have  had  except  eating  at  odd 
meals  when  Neptune  happened  to  be  napping.  Per- 
haps it  is  youth  rather  than  opportunity  that  we  lack, 
for  as  people  grow  older  they  lose  the  cleverness  and 
skill  as  well  as  the  illusions  necessary  for  the  enjoy- 


42  TO  PANAMA 

ment  of  the  recreations  of  their  youth,  except  in  eat- 
ing. The  enjoyment  of  eating,  illusions  and  all,  be- 
longs to  all  ages  and  all  animals.  It  constitutes  the 
first  evidence  of  our  animal  intelligence  and  the  last 
senile  flourish  of  our  physical  nature.  When  all  other 
incentives  to  enjoyment  and  hilarity  are  gone  for- 
ever, people  can  laugh  and  joke  over  their  food  like 
children.  Having  consumed  the  spirits  of  youth 
they  resort  to  the  spirits  of  wine,  and  the  result  is 
a  brilliant  flicker. 

It  is  interesting  to  watch  a  small  party  of  English 
people  of  uncertain  age  and  social  station  at  a  Con- 
tinental table  d'hote  dinner,  as  I  once  had  the  pleas- 
ure of  doing: — 

At  soup  a  fortified  and  funereal  quiet  and,  to  the 
young  and  frivolous  table-d'hoters  about  them,  an 
apparently  reproachful  demeanor,  a  social  asceticism. 
Such  dignity  and  decorum  as  is  found  only  among 
the  English,  whose  recreations  and  social  functions 
are  formal  duties. 

Over  the  fish,  occasional  premeditated  remarks  such 
as  courtesy  demands,  and  a  solemn  sipping  of  wine 
at  appropriate  intervals. 

Over  the  third  course,  slight  relaxation  of  features 
and  small  bits  of  conversation,  interspersed  with 
more  frequent  and  informal  sipping  of  wine. 

Over  the  fourth  course,  much  less  modulation  of 
voice  and  considerable  talking,  with  an  occasional 
easily  comprehended  joke  followed  by  generous  ap- 
plause. General  emptying  of  bottles  and  drinking 
of  toasts.  A  touch  of  nature  makes  the  whole  room 
grin. 


AT  SEA  45 

Over  dessert,  frequent  flashing  of  fire-cracker  jokes 
extinguished  in  laughter.  A  leaning  over  cordiality 
and  unrestrained  communicativeness  regardless  of 
appearances.  An  astonishing  climax  of  gayety.  The 
tables  are  turned.  Foreigners  grow  silent  and  look 
on  with  wonder. 

Disappearance  of  ladies  and  retirement  of  the  men 
to  the  smoking-room  or  porches  for  a  congenial  ex- 
change of  confidences  and  a  forgetfulness  of  cares  and 
responsibilities.  Social  mellowness  slowly  hardening 
back  into  desiccated  conversation. 

The  elders  have  had  their  daily  round  of  recreation, 
the  only  kind  they  still  excel  at,  and  are  again  models 
of  dignity  and  decorum  for  the  younger  generation 
to  respect,  but  not  to  emulate. 

Such  an  insular  touch  of  nature  I  have  not,  of 
course,  observed  on  our  boat.  The  above  was  merely 
one  of  those  observations  of  former  times  that  come 
to  my  mind  during  the  long  hours  of  sitting  and  gazing 
at  the  tireless  sea.  Continental  table-d'hoters  become 
demonstrative  over  their  wine,  but  do  not  taper  on 
and  taper  off  like  the  English.  One  expects  foreign- 
ers to  gesticulate  and  be  undignified  from  first  to  last. 

We  are  in  the  Caribbean  Sea  "alright,"  with  trade 
winds  to  tame  us,  choppy  seas  to  chafe  us,  and  sudden 
showers  to  shift  us.  The  officers  and  the  militia  cap- 
tain are  parading  in  dazzling  white  duck  suits,  in 
which  they  are  obliged  to  run  under  cover  every  little 
while  from  the  rain.  A  mist  appears  over  the  horizon 
and  in  a  few  minutes  overtakes  us  in  the  form  of  a 
drenching  rain,  causing  the  officers  on  duty  to  put  on 


44  TO  PANAMA 

their  raincoats,  and  those  off  duty  to  come  in  and  be 
treated  to  highballs.  This  is  their  high  life,  and  makes 
them  accept  with  thankfulness  and  thanks  whatever 
and  whichever  comes.  Water  is  man's  greatest  ene- 
my as  well  as  friend  in  the  Caribbean.  It  drives 
through  the  canvas  awnings,  steals  into  the  state- 
rooms, rusts  steel  buttons  and  umbrella  frames,  ruins 
clothing,  spoils  cigars  and  gives  men  a  taste  for 
liquor. 

The  captain,  however,  is  temperate  and  has  none 
of  the  sailors'  vices,  as  no  man  who  lives  with  the 
bottom  of  the  sea  constantly  under  his  feet  should 
have.  This  nautical  peculiarity  of  the  captain  has  a 
good  effect  upon  the  crew,  and  is  a  recommendation 
to  the  United  Fruit  Company.  It  enables  him  to  drink 
with  impunity  when  alone  with  the  passengers.  He 
believes  that  only  temperance  men  should  be  allowed 
to  drink.  He  believes  that,  being  temperate,  drink 
does  him  no  harm,  and  that  he  who  thinks  like  a  gen- 
tleman will  drink  like  a  gentleman.  The  "besht"  en- 
gineer is  also  temperate,  for  the  captain  sees  to  it  that 
drink  does  not  harm  him  either.  The  poor  fellow  has 
had  nothing  alcoholic  since  we  left  New  Orleans. 
But  he  will  get  his  bottle  of  beer  with  his  Christmas 
dinner  to  remind  him  of  the  cause  of  all  the  happi- 
ness he  has  ever  had.  Our  captain  is  so  opposed  to 
intemperance  that  he  will  not  keep  a  man  in  the  crew 
who  is  addicted  to  drink.  The  fate  of  the  best  engi- 
neer is  therefore  settled,  and  he  is  taking  his  last  voy- 
age on  the  S.  S.  Limon.  But  he  has  not  had  his  last 
good  time  off  the  S.  S.  Limon  by  any  means. 


AT  SEA  45 

We  have  beautiful  sunsets  and  sunrises,  although 
they  are  not  very  different  from  those  in  Illinois  ex- 
cept that  the  colors  are  more  crude  and  garish.  The 
softened,  hazy,  fumigated,  terra  cotta  hues  of  the 
Chicago  sunsets  are  unknown  here.  It  is  necessary 
to  go  to  Chicago  to  see  them.  On  bright  and  clear 
days  the  Caribbean  sky  and  water  have  an  intense 
blue  color  that  we  seldom  see  in  Northern  latitudes, 
but  when  the  wind  blows  and  the  sky  is  overcast,  the 
water  is  of  a  bright,  seasick  green  color,  known  to 
poets  although  not  to  poetry. 

We  have  moonlight  nights  that  are  worth  taking  a 
five-day  boat  ride  to  see.  At  times  the  sky  and  sea 
are  bathed  in  silver  sheens  and  shimmers  that  equal 
those  in  some  of  the  paintings  and  poems,  and  which 
are  worthy  the  pen  of  a  Scott  or  Shelley.  At  other 
times  the  firmament  is  caverned  with  jasper  clouds, 
and  the  water  mottled  with  mysterious  isles  of  shadow. 
As  Shelley  says: 

The  chasm  in  which  the  sun  has  sunk  is  shut 

By  darkest  barriers  of  enormous  cloud, 
Like  mountain  over  mountain  huddled — but 

Growing  and  moving  upward  in  a  crowd, 
And  over  it  a  space  of  watery  blue 

Which  the  keen  evening  star  is  shining  through. 

How  beautiful  this  night !  the  balmiest  sigh 

Which  vernal  zephyrs  breathe  in  evening's  ear 
Were  discord  to  the  speaking  quietude 

That  wraps  this  moveless  scene.    Heaven's  ebon  vault 
Studded  with  stars  unutterably  bright, 

Through  which  the  moon's  unclouded  grandeur  rolls, 
Seems  like  a  canopy  that  love  has  spread 

To  curtain  her  sleeping  world. 


46  TO  PANAMA 

This  is  about  as  I  would  have  written  except  that 
I  should  also  have  put  the  Fruit  Company's  clerk  and 
the  English  lady's  maid  in  the  scene  to  emphasize 
the  moonlight  and  add  that  human  interest  which  the 
lines  do  not  express.  The  difference  between  Shel- 
ley's lines  and  mine  would  have  been  that  Shelley's 
contain  more  poetry  than  truth,  while  mine  would  have 
contained  more  truth  than  poetry.  Truth  is  better 
than  poetry. 

I  have  given  Shelley's  description  because  people 
are  seldom  satisfied  with  the  naked  truth.  They  pre- 
fer something  in  costume,  and  labeled  with  a  name. 
For  instance,  when  they  ask  for  medicine  they  get 
something  with  a  name;  when  they  want  Christian 
Science  they  get  nothing,  with  a  name ;  when  they  want 
lies  they  get  the  real  thing.  Those  who  can  no  longer 
be  deceived  are  ready  for  another  world,  but  not  for 
a  better  one. 

Every  one  who  visits  the  torrid  zone  takes  a  look  at 
the  Southern  Cross.  So  did  I.  On  the  Caribbean  it 
arises  very  late  at  night,  and  comes  out  about  the  time 
civilized  banqueters  are  going  home.  I  had  to  get  up 
after  midnight  to  obtain  a  view  of  it.  There  were 
several  crosses  visible  and  I  looked  at  them  all,  and 
thus  saw  the  Southern  one.  But  I  was  unable  to  say 
which  one  was  the  one,  for  I  had  no  compass.  How- 
ever, that  did  not  matter,  since  I  could  say  I  had  seen 
it.  The  one  that  travelers  see  and  talk  about  is  a 
crooked  one.  It  does  not  stand  straight  in  the  heav- 
ens, and  has  its  beams  warped.  I  would  not  advise 
any  one  to  travel  down  here  in  a  banana  boat,  that 


AT  SEA  47 

becomes  inebriated  and  intolerable  every  time  a  zephyr 
blows,  in  order  to  stay  awake  to  see  a  little,  crooked, 
imperfect  cross  that  wouldn't  be  looked  at  in  Chicago. 
One  can  stay  at  home  and  hunt  up  a  better  and  bigger 
one  before  midnight,  not  to  mention  our  glorious 
Orion,  our  beautiful  Milky  Way  and  many  other  in- 
teresting and  historic  constellations.  In  fact,  how 
many  Northern  people  who  know  of  and  have  seen, 
and  have  acted  silly  about,  the  Southern  Cross,  know 
of  all  and  have  seen  all  and  have  acted  silly  about  all 
of  our  Northern  constellations?  We  should  know 
something  about  our  own  heaven  before  we  devote  our 
attention  to  that  of  others. 


CHAPTER  IV 

Port  Limdn 

Christmas  Eve — Heat  as  a  Stimulant — Essentials  to  a  Good 
Sleeper — Sheltering  Reefs — Flying-Fish — Port  Lim6n — 
View  of  the  Island  and  Town  from  the  Ship — A  Sailing 
Vessel — The  Piers — Fruits — Sharks — Christmas  Festivi- 
ties of  San  Jos6 — The  Great  Flood — Accidents  on  the 
Railway — The  Graveyard  Washout — Two  Weeks  of 
Travel  to  go  a  Hundred  Miles — Ashore — Almost  an  Acci- 
dent— Difficult  Landing — A  Negro  with  an  Irish  Brogue 
— Other  Negroes — A  Cockney  Accent — U.  S.  Accent — 
Sun  Baths  and  Shower  Baths — The  Rainy  Season — No 
Thunder — An  Earthquake — Its  Wasted  Energy — Popu- 
lation of  Limon — The  Fruit  Company — The  Stores  and 
Business  Houses — San  Jos£ans  Caught  at  Lim6n  by  the 
Washout — Boarding  the  Boat — Freight-ship  Luxury — 
Arrival  of  the  Italian  Ship — Christmas  Dinner  on  Board 
— Government  Piers — The  Warehouse  of  the  United 
Fruit  Company — Other  Houses — Clean  Streets — The 
Colored  Inhabitants— The  Race  Problem— Vultures— 
The  Cockpit— The  Cock  Fight— A  Used-up  Victor— The 
Market — Tough  Meat — Saloons — The  Hotel  and  Garden 
— A  Cockatoo — Highballs — Dear  S.  S.  Lim6n — Escape 
from  Malaria,  Mosquitoes  and  Yellow  Fever. 

EXTRACTS  FROM  LETTERS. 

OFF  PORT  LIMON,  ON  S.  S.  LIMON. 
10:30  A.  M.  Saturday,  Dec.  24,  1904. 
This  is  Christmas  eve,  or  will  be  when  it  is.    It  re- 
quired quite  a  little  will  power  for  me  to  come  into 
the  smoking-room  where  there  is  no  breeze,  in  order 

48 


PORT  LIMON  49 

to  write  and  swelter,  and  swelter  and  write,  and  thus 
do  two  things  at  the  same  time  on  the  same  day.  I 
feel  like  one  bird  being  killed  by  two  stones. 

You,  of  course,  can  have  no  conception  of  the  effect 
of  this  tropical  heat  upon  the  nervous  energies,  for 
heat  is  a  stimulant,  and  therefore  not  in  your  line.  I 
formerly  imagined  that  it  was  a  pleasant  experience  to 
be  under  the  influence  of  a  stimulant,  but  now  know 
that  it  is  not.  It  does  not  make  it  a  bit  easier  to  do 
what  you  do  not  wish  to  do.  I  wonder  if  science  is 
really  correct  in  calling  heat  a  stimulant,  or  if  the  idea 
is  merely  an  opinion  of  scientists  who,  like  women,  are 
forever  changing  their  minds,  and  who  have  but  little 
experience  or  sympathy  with  stimulants  ? 

By  night  my  head  is  weary  from  thinking  about 
how  happy  people  are  who  live  on  land,  so  I  promptly 
fall  asleep  and  stay  asleep  for  seven  or  eight  hours. 
The  three  essentials  to  a  good  sleeper  are  present, 
viz.,  a  relaxed  mind,  a  comfortable  stomach  and  warm 
feet.  The  combination  is  not  to  be  had  at  home  where 
the  brain,  stomach  and  feet  can  not  get  together. 

We  were  all  day  Monday  from  10:30  A.  M.  to  6 
P.  M.  in  getting  out  of  the  Mississippi  River  (120 
miles  or  thereabouts)  and  had  smooth  sailing  on  Tues- 
day, giving  every  one  a  chance  to  eat  three  times.  On 
Wednesday  we  all  dieted  three  times,  being  tossed  by 
a  troublesome  trade-wind  which  was  to  last  a  week. 
But  it  is  the  unexpected  that  is  always  happening.  By 
noon  we  ran  behind  some  sheltering  reefs  off  Yucatan 
and  were  suffering  only  from  hunger — which  is  more 
easily  cured  than  seasickness. 

The  sun  was  shining  and  innumerable  flying-fish 
were  sporting  about  the  boat.  Instead  of  sailing 
through  the  air  as  I  had  seen  them  represented  in 
books,  they  seemed  to  keep  their  winglike  fins  in  a 
constant  flutter,  like  the  wings  of  hummingbirds,  and 
shone  brightly  in  the  sunlight  as  they  sped  over  the 


$o  TO  PANAMA 

waves  for  forty  or  fifty  feet.  When  they  shot  up  out 
of  the  water  they  reached  a  height  of  two  or  three 
feet,  went  ahead  for  a  short  distance,  and  gradually 
sank  nearer  and  nearer  to  the  water  until  buried  in  a 
rising  wave.  After  gaining  the  height  acquired  by 
the  first  impulse  as  they  emerged,  they  did  not  seem 
able  to  rise  any  higher,  but  occasionally  one  would 
strike  the  crest  of  a  wave  at  the  end  of  its  flight  and 
give  itself  an  upward  turn,  and  would  thus  get  a  fresh 
start  and  take  another  flight,  somewhat  shorter  than 
the  first.  The  large  number  of  them,  and  their  live- 
liness and  apparently  intense  enjoyment  of  the  air  and 
sun  bath,  produced  a  decidedly  exhilarating  effect 
upon  us  and  added  to  the  joy  of  not  being  seasick. 
But  alas!  Great  happiness  never  lasts.  The  next 
morning,  Thursday,  we  were  in  the  open  sea  again 
among  the  swells. 

And  the  swells  still  continue  on  the  sea  as  well  as 
in  Port  Limon,  where  we  have  been  anchored  since 
yesterday  afternoon.  The  coast  line  is  straight  and 
there  are  no  breakwaters  for  the  protection  of  ships, 
except  an  island  by  the  name  of  Uvita,  which  is  situ- 
ated about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  the  shore.  Our 
ship,  two  freight  steamers  and  a  sailing  vessel  are  an- 
chored behind  it.  The  island  appears  oval  in  shape 
and  has,  I  should  say,  a  surface  of  about  six  acres. 
There  are  reefs  at  either  end  upon  which  foamy  break- 
ers are  constantly  curling  and  which,  with  the  dense 
tropical  forest  that  covers  it,  constitute  an  animated 
and  pleasing  picture.  From  the  ship  the  town  also 
looks  beautiful,  nestling  among  the  cocoa  palms  and 
other  trees  that  line  the  shore,  and  forming  a  pretty 
fringe  to  the  densely  wooded,  rising  background. 

The  sailing  vessel,  which  is  a  large  schooner,  came, 
in  shortly  after  we  did,  and  it  was  an  interesting  ex- 
perience to  see  her  handled  by  three  or  four  men.  She 
came  toward  us  riding  at  full  speed  before  the  wind 


PORT  LIMON  51 

with  all  sails  set.  She  let  down  some  of  them  as  she 
came  near  us,  swung  slowly  around  our  stern,  let 
down  more  sail,  pointed  up  toward  the  wind,  then  let 
down  all  sail  and  dropped  anchor  just  as  she  got  into 
position  beside  us  at  a  conveniently  safe  distance.  The 
quickness  with  which  so  few  men  executed  these  nu- 
merous details  at  the  right  moment,  and  the  accuracy 
with  which  the  ship  was  maneuvered,  with  nothing 
but  the  wind  as  a  motor,  caused  me  to  realize  that 
there  was  as  much  nicety  in  managing  a  ship  as  in  re- 
moving an  appendix. 

If  there  is  no  bay  at  Limon  there  are  at  least  fine 
piers.  The  ships  remain  at  anchor  until  the  sea  is 
calm,  then  move  up  beside  the  piers  and  take  on  their 
loads.  Coffee  and  bananas  seem  to  be  the  principal 
exports,  although  about  all  kinds  of  tropical  fruits 
are,  or  can  be,  raised  in  Costa  Rica.  Oranges  and 
pineapples  are  plentiful,  but  our  Northern  apple,  which 
has  almost  as  great  a  variety  of  flavors  as  all  of  the 
tropical  fruits  put  together,  is  an  exotic  and  a  luxury. 

We  saw  a  shark  foraging  about  the  ship  this  morn- 
ing. Usually  nothing  but  the  back  fin  came  in  sight 
as  he  swam  along  the  surface,  although  occasionally 
he  would  show  his  nose.  The  sailors  are  fishing  for 
him,  but  so  far  have  not  had  a  bite,  and  I  am  deprived 
of  an  exciting  description.  But  few  in  my  place  would 
allow  the  opportunity  to  pass,  bite  or  no  bite.  The 
captain  says  that  the  popular  notion  that  sharks  turn 
on  the  back  or  side  when  they  bite  or  take  anything 
into  the  mouth  is  a  mistaken  one.  He  and  others  have 
seen  them  grab  things  without  turning.  They  do  not 
always  take  time  to  turn  on  the  side.  Like  other  ani- 
mals they  bite  at  things  in  any  old  way.  But  if  a 
shark  wishes  to  seize  a  large  object  that  is  floating  on 
the  surface,  he  may,  if  in  no  hurry,  turn  sidewise  in 
order  not  to  have  to  lift  his  head  out  of  water  over 
the  object.  Or  if  he  wishes  to  bite  a  man's  leg  he 


52  TO  PANAMA 

must  turn  sidewise  in  order  not  to  bump  his  nose 
against  the  leg  and  thus  prevent  the  mouth,  which 
is  quite  a  distance  behind  the  nose,  getting  here.  But 
that  he  habitually  turns  on  his  back  or  side,  like  a 
playful  kitten,  in  order  to  eat  or  commit  murder  is  one 
of  those  romantic  notions  that  people  who  like  to  be 
deceived  like  to  believe.  Information  that  is  novel  or 
absurd  attracts  attention  and  spreads  widely,  and  is 
slow  to  be  corrected  by  reason  and  accurate  observa- 
tion. Natural  science  still  has  many  entertaining 
absurdities  to  eliminate  from  its  teachings. 

But  now  that  I  am  within  sight  and  touch  of  the 
land  of  promise,  the  beautiful  Costa  Rica,  I  find  myself 
in  a  sad  plight.  I  can  not  get  in.  I  sailed  from  New 
Orleans  a  week  earlier  than  the  other  delegates  in  or- 
der to  spend  the  holiday  week  at  San  Jose,  the  capital 
of  Costa  Rica  and  the  Paris  of  Central  America,  and 
practice  my  Spanish  and  participate  in  the  revelry. 
The  beautiful  city  is  located  up  in  the  highlands  nearly 
4,000  feet  above  the  sea  level  and  has  a  mean  yearly 
temperature  of  68  degrees  F.,  the  extremes  being  50 
and  80  degrees.  Although  it  has  neither  a  good  troupe 
of  actors  nor  of  singers,  it  has  the  finest  theater  on 
the  continent.  It  therefore  imports  an  operatic  com- 
pany from  Spain  every  year  for  the  Christmas  holi- 
days, and  has  a  season  of  operatic  and  theatrical  per- 
formances, mimic  bull-fights,  genuine  cock-fights, 
noisy  merry-go-rounds,  harmless  football  and  all  sorts 
of  Spanish  celebrations.  All  business  is  suspended  and 
the  people  give  themselves  up  to  a  season  of  carnival 
such  as  Latin  nations  delight  in.  But  the  wind  blew, 
the  rain  came,  the  earth  quaked  and  the  mountains 
started  down  toward  the  sea,  carrying  away  and  bury- 
ing miles  of  the  only  railroad  track  that  led  from  the 
Caribbean  sea  to  the  capital.  This  occurred  four  days 
ago,  and  two  feet  of  water  is  still  running  over  the 
great  railroad  bridge,  which  is  620  feet  long  and  220 


PORT  LIMON  S3 

feet  above  the  bed  of  the  well-named  Reventazon 
River  (Big  Buster  River).  The  wind  and  rain  did 
about  the  same  thing  last  year  and,  finding  that  it 
was  easy,  repeated  its  performance  this  year,  only  in  a 
more  thorough  manner. 

The  last  train  that  came  down  from  San  Jose  had  to 
run  through  water  that  reached  almost  to  the  firebox" 
of  the  engine,  and  stop  occasionally  to  chop  up  huge 
tree  trunks  that  overlay  the  track.  A  train  taking  up 
the  imported  actors  and  singers  engaged  for  the 
Christmas  festivities  at  San  Jose  has  not  been  heard 
from,  and  as  all  telegraphic  communication  between 
the  port  and  the  capital  is  interrupted,  it  is  not  known 
whether  the  players  are  now  acting  for  a  living  or 
swimming  for  their  lives.  A  trainful  of  workmen, 
sent  up  to  see  what  could  be  done  to  clear  the  track, 
was  caught  in  a  land  slide  and  buried,  engine,  men  and 
all. 

Nine  inches  of  rain  fell  at  Limon  night  before  last 
and  carried  the  muddy  water  of  the  river  out  into  the 
sea  for  five  miles,  coloring  it  a  light  yellow.  As  we 
came  here  we  entered  this  yellow  sea  before  we  sighted 
Limon,  and  were  in  it  fully  an  hour  before  we  ar- 
rived in  port.  Trees,  bunches  of  bananas  and  other 
debris  are  floating  about,  and  although  the  stream 
that  empties  into  the  sea  at  Limon  was  a  small  one, 
they  say  that  it  is  now  large  enough  to  float  a  ship.  A 
portion  of  the  graveyard  here  was  also  washed  out, 
the  flood  carrying  tombstones  from  one  grave  to  an- 
other and  mixing  up  the  bones.  However,  as  far  as 
the  living  are  concerned  this  is  not  a  calamity,  but 
a  blessing,  for  the  town  has  received  the  washing  it 
needed  to  prevent  the  development  of  pestilence.  The 
buried  negroes  don't  know  the  difference,  nor  do  the 
living  care.  The  dead  are  having  a  good  drying  off 
down  below  and  the  living  expect  to  get  one. 

My  fellow  passengers,  all  of  whom  are  bound  for 


54  TO  PANAMA 

San  Jose,  will  have  to  wait  for  a  passing  ship  to  take 
them  to  Colon,  then  cross  the  isthmus  by  rail  to  the 
city  of  Panama,  and  wait  there  for  a  steamship  to 
take  them  up  the  west  coast  to  Punto  Arenas  where 
they  can  wait  for  a  train  to  San  Jose.  Whether  they 
will  have  to  stay  there  very  long  or  not,  depends  upon 
the  amount  of  washing  out  there  has  been  on  the  Pa- 
cific side.  As  the  steamers  make  many  stops  on  the 
Pacific  coast  and  do  not  run  very  often,  the  passen- 
gers will  be  on  the  way  between  one  and  two  weeks, 
according  to  their  luck  in  catching  a  boat  and  a  train, 
instead  of  making  the  overland  trip  of  103  miles  in  a 
few  hours  by  rail,  as  they  had  expected  to  do. 

As  for  me  I  will  lose  the  fine  Christmas  weather  in 
the  mountains  and  the  round  of  novel  entertainments 
in  the  Paris  of  Central  America,  and  be  obliged  to 
spend  two  weeks  instead  of  one  in  the  hot  city  of 
Panama,  which  is  at  sea  level,  within  eight  degrees  of 
the  equator,  and  within  two  or  three  degrees  of  blood 
heat. 

3 130  P.  M.,  Dec.  24,  1904. 

We  have  been  ashore.  The  United  Fruit  Company 
sent  out  a  row  boat  in  which  we  climbed  over  the  swells 
for  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  as  the  falcon  flies,  but 
over  half  a  mile  as  the  row  boat  climbed  up  and  coast- 
ed down.  Getting  from  the  lowered  stairway  of  the 
ship  into  the  small  boat  was  a  test  of  good  jumping, 

food  judgment  and  good  luck.     The  waves  as  seen 
rom  the  deck  of  the  ship  did  not  appear  over  three 
feet  high  from  trough  to  crest,  yet  the  little  boat  be- 
side the  ship  sank  at  least  five  feet  from  the  step  plat- 
form and  rose  up  to  it  again. 

The  insurance  agent  had  an  excess  of  confidence  in 
himself,  as  all  successful  insurance  agents  must  have, 
and  went  down  the  steps  first,  to  show  us  how.  But 
for  once  his  judgment  of  risks  was  poor.  As  he 


PORT  LIMON  55 

jumped  at  the  boat,  it  sank  out  of  reach  and  moved 
from  under  him.  Luckily  he  had  a  business  educa- 
tion, which  teaches  men  never  to  give  up  what  they 
have  once  laid  their  hands  on,  and  he  kept  hold  of 
the  railing  of  the  stairway.  But  his  big  body  had  ac- 
quired momentum  and  had  to  go,  and  he  swung  sus- 
pended by  his  hands  over  the  water,  with  his  umbrella 
sticking  to  him  and  his  coat  tails  flying,  until  the  boat 
rose  up  beside  him  and  he  was  pulled  into  it.  A  man 
with  less  physical  strength  and  presence  of  mind  would 
have  splashed  down  into  the  waves  to  frighten  sharks 
and  spoil  our  excursion  to  Limon.  The  insurance 
agent,  however,  did  not  even  lose  his  umbrella,  which 
was  not  insured  and  which  he  held  up  in  triumph  and 
exultation  as  soon  as  the  danger  was  over.  The  ladies 
saw  the  performance  and  could  not  be  persuaded  to 
leave  the  ship,  as  their  lives  were  not  insured.  Some 
one  spoke  of  sharks,  and  they  shuddered. 

Upon  arriving  at  the  pier  we  were  rowed  to  the 
landing  place,  where  again  good  judgment  and  gym- 
nastics were  required  in  order  to  jump  on  the  lower 
platform  before  the  boat  would  sink  away,  and  where 
good  luck  and  agility  were  necessary  to  enable  one  to 
get  up  on  the  pier  before  the  next  wave  broke  over 
the  steps  leading  up  to  it. 

The  first  dock  hand  we  saw  was  a  coal-black  negro 
with  an  Irish  brogue  which  he  used  freely.  It  was  a 
precious  combination  and  gave  me  a  new  sensation. 
I  was  sorry  that  I  could  not  take  the  combination  with 
me  as  a  curio.  Nearly  all  of  the  negroes  about  the 
pier  were  Jamaicans  and  had  a  quaint  accent  and  in- 
flection of  voice  that  was  musical  and  pleasant  to  listen 
to.  One  of  them  had  acquired  a  cockney  accent  and 
shocked  and  instructed  us  by  calling  a  dollar  a  "crony" 
(corona},  a  highball  "a  eyeball"  and  a  baked  potato 
"a  biked  potighto."  I  never  realized  before  how 
characterless  and  commonplace  our  United  States 


56  TO  PANAMA 

pronunciation  really  is.  It  lacks  the  bizarrerie  of  the 
native  London  article  which  has  been  called  by  Don 
G.  Seitz  "a  queer  jargon  of  misplaced  aspirates  and 
vowels  interspersed  with  drawls  and  growls."  We 
have  to  invent  Americanisms  and  rhetorical  barbari- 
ties in  order  to  outdo  them. 

While  ashore  we  had  hot  baths  in  our  own  per- 
spiration followed  by  cool  shower  baths  in  the  rain, 
the  frequent  repetition  of  which  finally  drove  us  back 
to  the  ship.  The  rainy  season  is  supposed  by  the  cal- 
endar to  last  from  May  to  November,  but  the  calendar 
is  a  theorist,  for  we  have  been  having  rain  from  one 
to  five  or  six  times  a  day,  varying  from  brief  sun- 
showers  to  copious  rainfalls.  On  the  Caribbean  side 
it  rains  both  in  the  rainy  and  dry  seasons,  there  being 
only  about  two  months  in  the  year  of  dry  weather. 
The  rain,  however,  cools  the  atmosphere  and  the 
earth,  and  renders  the  lowlands  near  the  coast  quite 
comfortable  compared  with  the  Pacific  side,  where  the 
seasons  are  more  sharply  differentiated,  and  there  is 
more  dry  weather.  Although  I  have  seen  many  show- 
ers I  have  heard  no  thunder  on  the  Caribbean.  The 
showers  come  and  go  with  such  rapidity  that  appar- 
ently they  have  no  time  to  thunder.  Possibly  the  hot 
air  over  such  warm  water  is  so  uniformly  laden  with 
moisture  that  electricity  does  not  easily  concentrate 
except  at  great  heights  and  is  only  heard  on  great 
occasions.  But  it  is  just  as  well  not  to  hear  it,  for  it 
is  Southern  in  temperament  and  revolutionary  in  its 
methods,  and  is  apt  to  radically  change  the  existing 
order  of  things. 

Limon  had  an  earthquake  five  days  ago  at  midnight. 
It  frightened  everybody  and  sent  people  skipping 
around  in  their  muddy  back  yards  clad  in  flowing  white 
raiment  like  angels  errant,  but  it  did  them  no  harm. 
The  following  lines  are  copied  from  the  local  news- 
paper: "At  midnight  on  Monday  the  entire  city  was 


PORT  LIMON  57 

thrown  into  a  state  of  alarm  by  a  severe  shock  of 
earthquake,  the  like  of  which  had  never  been  experi- 
enced in  Port  Limon  by  the  oldest  inhabitants.  Sev- 
eral private  houses  and  shops  suffered,  etc."  At  pres- 
ent earthquakes  are  useless  generators  of  energy,  but 
if  they  could  be  stored  up  and  used  to  shake  school 
boys  and  servant  girls  out  of  bed  on  cold  mornings 
they  would  become  popular. 

Limon  has  about  3,000  inhabitants,  largely  negroes 
from  Jamaica,  and  is  the  only  Costa  Rican  port  of 
entry  on  the  Atlantic  side.  It  is  practically  a  North 
American  town,  however,  being  supported  by  the 
banana  business  of  the  United  Fruit  Company.  Near 
the  wharves  is  the  main  building  of  the  company  con- 
taining the  offices  and  stores.  Here  merchandise  of 
all  kinds  can  be  bought,  from  that  which  is  put  into 
the  stomach  to  that  which  is  worn  on  the  back.  The 
greater  part  of  the  goods,  however,  come  from  the 
United  States  and,  as  the  Costa  Rican  duties  are  high, 
one  pays  about  double  our  retail  price  at  home.  The 
town  has  a  good-sized  hotel,  a  bank,  a  well-stocked 
drug  store,  two  or  three  steamboat  agencies,  a  few 
small  stores  for  the  negroes,  and  numerous  saloons 
of  high  and  low  degree.  The  large  stores  and  agen- 
cies, as  well  as  all  things  that  pertain  to  politics,  are 
conducted  by  Costa  Ricans,  many  of  whom  live  at 
San  Jose  and  come  down  to  Limon  frequently  to  look 
after  their  interests.  Several  San  Joseans  came  down 
just  before  the  washout  to  attend  to  business  for  a 
day  or  two,  and  will  now  be  obliged  to  wait  here  two 
or  three  months  or  make  the  trip  down  to  Panama 
and  up  the  Pacific  coast  with  some  of  our  S.  S.  Limon 
passengers — a  just  punishment  for  neglecting  the  hol- 
idays for  business. 

If  I  had  arrived  several  days  earlier  and  had  gone 
to  San  Jose  before  the  washout,  I  should  have  had  to 
return  by  way  of  the  Pacific  coast,  missing  the  Medi- 


58  TO  PANAMA 

cal  Congress  and  arriving  home  about  two  weeks  after 
the  end  of  my  journey.  Thus  the  storm  saved  me, 
and  was  a  fortunate  occurrence  after  all. 

It  is  also  fortunate  that  the  floods  have  almost 
stopped  the  moving  of  bananas  from  the  plantations 
down  to  the  shore,  and  that  the  sea  is  too  rough  for 
the  ships  to  take  on  their  loads.  The  S.  S.  Limon 
will  thus  be  obliged  to  remain  at  anchor  behind  the 
island  for  a  day  or  two,  and  the  captain  will  be  able 
to  keep  us  as  boarders  until  Monday  when  a  big  Ital- 
ian passenger  ship  arrives.  We  have  hitherto 
been  longing  for  dry  land,  but  now  that  we  are  liable 
to  be  put  on  it  to  live  in  the  town  where  the  nights 
are  hot,  muggy  and  mosquito-ry,  where  there  is  a 
complete  ice  famine,  much  malaria  and  a  few  cases  of 
yellow  fever,  we  are  content  to  remain  on  the  steamer. 
The  captain  says  that  the  sea  is  the  only  place  to  live 
on,  and  from  the  tropical,  semi-infernal  standpoint 
his  view  is  the  right  one.  Freight-ship  accommoda- 
tions have  become  a  luxury,  which  proves  that  luxury 
is  merely  a  point  of  view.  Everything  is  luxury  to 
some,  nothing  is  luxury  to  others. 

7  A.  M.,  Dec.  26,  1904. 

The  Italian  steamship,  our  friend  in  need  that  is  to 
take  us  to  Colon,  has  arrived  and  will  depart  this  after- 
noon. 

Yesterday  we  had  an  enjoyable  Christmas  dinner 
which  was  seasoned  by  the  fact  that  we  had  gone 
through  the  hollowing  out  process  of  getting  into  the 
tropics  by  sea,  and  by  the  fear  that  we  had  more  emp- 
tiness to  endure  before  another  opportunity  for  indul- 
gence would  present  itself.  I  often  think  that  the  well- 
known  and  often-sought  sea-appetite  is  largely  due  to 
a  making  up  for  missed  and  lost  meals.  We  had  bar- 
ley soup,  fish,  roast  turkey,  cold  meats,  canned  peas, 
canned  corn,  sliced  tomatoes,  strawberry  preserves, 


PORT  LIMON  59 

plum  pudding,  Washington  pie,  cheese,  fancy  cake, 
oranges,  apples,  nuts,  raisins,  grapes  and  champagne. 
After  we  had  filled  the  available  space  in  our  bodies 
with  this  conventional  conglomeration,  to  whose  nox- 
ious influence  the  custom  of  ages  has  rendered  the 
human  family  more  or  less  immune,  the  captain  took 
the  insurance  agent  and  myself  on  shore  to  see  the 
Christmas  festivities. 

While  climbing  the  waves  in  the  row  boat  on  the 
way  to  the  landing  I  noticed  how  well  the  government 
piers  were  built,  the  posts  being  protected  by  copper 
sheeting  and  the  edge  of  the  platform  surrounded  by 
heavy  iron  girders.  These  iron  girders  were,  how- 
ever, a  sad  trial  to  the  ship  captains,  for  in  bad  weath- 
er they  injured  the  sides  of  the  ships,  and  made  it 
almost  necessary  to  wait  for  a  calm  sea  in  order  to 
move  up  for  a  load.  The  Costa  Ricans,  of  course, 
put  these  girders  on  their  piers  to  make  them  last 
longer  and,  having  a  monopoly  of  the  business,  found 
it  profitable  to  accommodate  themselves  instead  of 
their  customers. 

The  warehouse  of  the  United  Fruit  Company,  which 
stands  near  the  shore,  is  a  handsome  two-story  rect- 
angular building  composed  of  windows  and  veran- 
das, the  upper  story  being  fitted  up  as  lodgings  and 
lounging  quarters  for  the  employees.  The  principal 
streets  have  been  filled  in  and  macadamized,  and  were 
washed  entirely  free  of  loose  dirt  and  gravel  by  the 
recent  rains,  with  the  result  that  the  surface  looks 
like  rough  concrete,  and  is  as  clean  as  if  it  had  been 
scrubbed  with  scrubbing  brushes  by  a  corps  of  house- 
maids. All  of  the  houses  except  two  or  three  of  the 
five  or  six  business  buildings  are  one  and  two-story 
frame  skeletons,  and  are  thus  practically  earthquake 
proof.  They  could  be  rocked  like  dry-goods  boxes 
without  being  harmed  or  rendered  more  dilapidated; 
and  if  they  were  rocked  over  they  and  their  inhabi- 
tants could  be  replaced  at  but  little  expense. 


60  TO  PANAMA 

The  negroes  here  are  much  blacker  than  those  in  the 
United  States,  many  of  them  having  skin  as  black 
and  lusterless  as  soot.  Their  complexions  are  seldom 
spoiled  by  white  blood.  They  are  the  real  thing.  They 
are  better  natured,  more  manageable  and  more  inter- 
esting than  our  mulattos,  who  are  neither  one  thing 
nor  the  other,  although  in  the  United  States  they 
claim  that  they  are  both  things  and  have  in  them  the 
best  blood  of  both  races.  Slavery  was  the  crime  of 
the  South,  but  it  was  perhaps  a  pardonable  one  in  all 
except  one  feature,  viz.,  the  mixing  of  the  races.  That 
act  was  the  sin,  and  the  result  is  our  race  problem — 
a  curse.  The  white  blood  of  the  mulatto  longs  for 
its  own,  and  the  black  blood  of  the  genuine  negro  is 
taught  to  long  for  what  is  not  its  own. 

Vultures  hopped  about  the  back  yards  and  perched 
upon  the  housetops  ready  to  eat  up  the  garbage  as 
fast  as  thrown  out.  Stagnant  water  and  dirt  abound- 
ed, but  it  seemed  to  agree  as  well  with  the  natives  as 
with  the  big  birds.  The  sun's  heat  reminded  us  of  the 
heat  of  some  of  our  Northern  steam-heated  houses, 
and  our  handkerchiefs  were  kept  busy  drying  our 
faces  and  necks.  So  when  we  found  a  score  of  ne- 
groes gathered  in  the  shade  about  a  cockpit  we  went 
into  the  shade  to  cool  off. 

The  cockpit  was  a  round  space  about  ten  feet  in 
diameter  surrounded  by  six  slender  wooden  posts 
supporting  the  roof  and  forming  a  part  of  a  low  wall 
about  three  feet  high — high  enough  to  keep  -the  fight- 
ing cocks  within,  but  not  to  obstruct  the  view  of  the 
sports.  The  surrounding  space  was  shaded  by  large 
trees  but  not  enclosed,  being  merely  a  back  yard  to 
which  a  wide  passage  between  two  houses  led.  There 
was  no  admission  fee,  the  spectators  or  "betters" 
standing  around  the  pit  betting  on  their  favorites. 

In  the  fight  we  saw  a  medium-sized  Spanish  roos- 
ter, belonging  to  the  establishment,  disable  a  large 


PORT  LIMON  61 

one  of  the  same  breed  with  the  second  stroke,  and 
kill  it  with  the  third.  The  entertainment  was  short, 
but  not  sweet.  A  lance  about  two  and  one-half  inches 
long  had  been  fastened  to  one  of  the  legs  of  each  bird, 
the  lances  being  about  as  wide  and  long  as  the  small 
blade  of  a  large  penknife,  slightly  curved  and  acutely 
pointed.  At  the  second  jump  the  lance  of  the  small 
rooster  pierced  the  body  of  the  larger  one,  who  imme- 
diately turned  sidewise  and  sank  down.  The  victor 
seemed  to  understand  the  action  of  the  wounded  bird 
and  was  inclined  to  leave  it  alone,  but  the  owners  set 
them  at  it  again.  The  wounded  bird  made  another 
great  effort,  but  his  abdomen  was  this  time  pierced 
by  the  penetrating  lance  of  the  victor,  which  stuck 
fast  and  held  him  down  beside  his  prostrate  victim. 
The  owner  pulled  them  apart,  upon  which  the  wound- 
ed bird  jerked  his  leg  and  wing  convulsively  two  or 
three  times  and  expired. 

I  think  that  it  was  an  easy  death  for  a  fighting  cock, 
although  not  as  easy  as  having  his  neck  wrung.  He 
certainly  had  a  much  easier  time  than  the  victor  of 
the  previous  fight,  in  which  artificial  spurs  had  not 
been  used.  The  hero  stood  on  a  pile  of  boards  nearby 
without  a  feather  on  his  head,  neck  and  thighs,  and 
with  his  bared  skin  swollen  and  as  red  as  raw  beef. 
He  had  conquered  in  a  long  fight,  but  in  the  process 
had  undoubtedly  had  a  half  hour  of  the  most  severe 
and  exhausting  punishment.  Yet  he  stood  up  and 
looked  proudly  about  him,  like  a  fighting  cock  still, 
unconscious  of  his  loss  of  beauty  and  of  usefulness — 
too  naked  to  fight  and  too  tough  to  be  eaten. 

Having  seen  enough  to  satisfy  our  barbarous  in- 
stincts, and  cool  off  our  enthusiasm  but  not  our  bodies, 
we  continued  our  walk  and  soon  came  to  a  large  cen- 
trally located  market  such  as  exists  in  nearly  all  South- 
ern towns.  Here  we  saw  negroes  carrying  in  freshly 
killed  beef  to  be  sold  the  next  morning  at  daybreak, 


62  TO  PANAMA 

for,  on  account  of  the  scarcity  of  ice,  the  butchers 
have  to  sell  their  meat  almost  as  soon  as  killed.  This 
probably  accounts  for  the  unseasoned  toughness  which 
is  the  chief  distinguishing  characteristic  of  tropical 
beef,  although  tough  beef  is  sometimes  found  in  the 
temperate  zones.  We  afterwards  passed  several  sa- 
loons in  which  the  white  young  men  of  the  town  were 
playing  cards,  and  stopped  in  one  of  them  and  drank 
nauseating  luke-warm  orangeades.  Even  the  sa- 
loons and  the  hospitals  were  out  of  ice.  Our  last  stop 
was  at  the  hotel,  a  good-sized  frame  building  that 
backed  up  to  the  seashore  and  was  delightfully  cooled 
by  the  sea  breeze.  The  front  garden  of  about  three 
acres  was  the  most  beautiful  mass  of  foliage  I  have 
ever  seen.  Excepting  the  wide  paths,  it  was  almost  a 
solid  mass  of  loaded  orange  trees,  towering  royal 
palms,  foliage  plants  eight  feet  high,  flowering  trees, 
and  other  plants  of  the  richest  green,  yellow,  orange 
and  variegated  coloring. 

We  passed  through  the  hall  into  the  back  yard, 
which  bordered  on  the  seashore,  and  sat  for  a  while 
on  the  wide  porch  enjoying  the  sea  breeze  and  watch- 
ing a  tame  cockatoo ;  a  red,  yellow,  orange,  green, 
black  and  blue  parrot,  fully  a  yard  in  length  from  the 
tip  of  his  yellow  beak  to  the  end  of  his  blue  and  car- 
dinal colored  tail.  I  often  wonder  if  we  Americans 
are  not  descendants  of  the  beautiful  and  loquacious 
parrot  instead  of  the  gibbering  monkey,  for  our  women 
are  so  ornamental,  and  swearing  comes  so  natural 
to  our  men. 

While  sitting  and  chatting  we  had  to  do  the  appro- 
priate thing  and  take  a  couple  of  highballs,  for  we 
were  joined  by  some  real  Costa  Ricans,  who  take 
whiskey  and  White  Rock  at  stated  intervals  for  their 
health,  particularly  when  they  come  down  to  visit 
these  hot  lower  regions.  When  the  time  came  to  go 
we  drank  another  highball.  I  left  out  the  whiskey, 


PORT  LIMON  63 

for  I  knew  that  I  had  to  climb  into  the  boat;  but  the 
others,  including  the  temperate  captain,  took  the  uni- 
versal poison  as  the  Scotch  dispense  it.  They  had 
the  advantage  of  long  practise  and  experience.  My 
book  knowledge  did  not  help  me  in  practice. 

After  exercising  a  great  deal  of  sober  good  judg- 
ment and  juvenile  agility,  we  got  safely  in  and  out  of 
the  row  boat  and  finally  on  board  our  dear  S.  S.  Li- 
mon.  We  were  glad  to  be  again  on  the  boat,  which 
was  clean,  cool  and  provided  with  ice  and  icebox 
meat,  and  were  fortunate  in  not  being  obliged  to  spend 
the  night  in  the  old  dilapidated  worm-eaten  hotel, 
which  was  full  of  mosquitoes  and  hot  air,  and  had 
undoubtedly  sheltered  and  shrouded  many  a  case  of 
yellow  fever  in  the  past. 


CHAPTER  V 

Colon  and  the  Panama  Railway 

Getting  Aboard  the  Italian  Steamship — A  Life  on  the  Ocean 
Wave — W.  J.  Bryan's  Opinion — The  Steerage — A  Many" 
tongued  Englishman  and  Champagne  Cider — The  S.  S. 
Limonians  and  Dinner — A  Polyglot  Conversation — Steam- 
er Chairs  for  Beds — Night  Sounds  and  Nauseous  Smells- 
Fresh  Air  a  Magic  Remedy — Colon — The  Formalities 
of  Landing  in  the  Canal  Zone — Passed  Through  by  the 
Linguistic  Englishman — Circular  No.  13 — Hotel  Wash- 
ington and  Its  Discomforts — Attractive  Grounds — Im- 
possible Lodgings — Sudden  Departure — Paying  Double 
— Expensive  Transportation — Aristocratic  Beer — Get- 
ting Something  for  Nothing — Suffocated  by  Handbag- 
gage — The  Champagne-Cider-Englishman  Again — Across 
the  Isthmus  by  Railroad — Buried  Treasures — U.  S.  Ma- 
rines— Rhine  Scenery — Cutting  a  Mountain  Ridge  in 
Two — Arrival  at  Panama — Farewell  to  S.  S.  Limonians 
— Parting  without  Sorrow — Traveling  Friendship — Wise 
Cab-men  and  Cheap  Transportation — Two  and  a  half 
Cab  Rides  for  a  Glass  of  Beer — Doing  as  the  Wild  Beasts 
do. 

The  Italian  steamship,  which  shall  be  nameless,  was 
a  large,  fine-looking  one  when  compared  with  banana 
boats,  and  was  to  arrive  and  depart  on  Sunday.  It 
did  so  on  Monday,  and  thus  was  keeping  excellent 
time  for  Central  American  sea  travel.  It  had  done 
it  manana,  and  every  one  was  full  of  passive  praise 

64 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        65 

which  lay  alongside  the  pier,  brought  our  task  however 
to  a  most  agreeable  ending. 

In  order  to  avoid  having  our  luggage  examined, 
and  being  taxed  by  the  thrifty  Costa  Rican  custom 
officers,  we  arranged  to  have  it  put  aboard  the  Italian 
steamer  without  being  landed.  This  was  easy  for  us 
but  difficult  for  the  sailors.  They  took  it  to  the  sea- 
ward side  of  the  ship  in  a  large  row  boat  which  held 
off  about  six  feet  and  bobbed  up  and  down  like  a  cork. 
At  an  apparent  risk  of  being  thrown  into  the  sea  by 
each  rising  wave,  the  sailors  made  a  noose  in  a  heavy, 
stiff  rope  and  placed  it  around  half  a  dozen  trunks  and 
bags  at  a  time.  Then  the  derrick  swung  the  things 
out  over  the  side  of  the  small  boat  and  up  on  the  ship 
in  a  way  that  frightened  us,  for  it  seemed  almost  a 
miracle  that  the  loosely  bound  trunks  and  bags  did 
not  slip  out  and  drop  into  the  deep  water.  The  sailors, 
however,  seemed  quite  as  cool  and  unconcerned  about 
the  chances  of  the  trunks  as  about  their  own. 

But  how  to  transfer  the  ladies  was  a  more  difficult 
problem  for  us.  It  was  proposed  that  they  be  sent 
the  same  way  as  the  luggage,  but  the  gallant  captain 
vetoed  the  proposition  and  swore  that  we  should  have 
to  get  them  in  and  out  of  the  row  boats,  and  put  them 
ashore,  where  they  could  board  the  steamship  as  be- 
came their  sex.  And,  in  fact,  after  many  an  "oh"  and 
"no"  and  "I  can't,"  and  plenty  of  shoving  and  pulling 
and  catching,  we  finally  got  them  safely  on  mothei 
earth.  The  promenade  from  one  pier  to  the  other, 
including  a  walk  through  the  gorgeous  garden  of  the 
gangrenous  hotel,  and  the  final  boarding  of  the  ship, 


66  TO  PANAMA 

which  lay  alongside  the  pier,  brought  out  task  however 
to  a  most  agreeable  ending. 

As  a  large  number  of  the  San  Joseans  who  had  been 
trapped  in  Limon  by  the  washout  were  going  with  us, 
the  steamship  was  quite  crowded.  It  had  come  from 
Italian  and  Spanish  ports  and  was  making  a  tour  of 
the  Caribbean  Sea,  stopping  at  Limon,  Colon  and  sev- 
eral South  American  ports,  and  had  all  kinds  and  con- 
ditions of  men,  women,  children  and  animals  on  board. 
Sounds  of  many  languages,  English,  Spanish,  Italian, 
French,  canine  and  gallinine,  chased  one  another 
through  the  air  in  lively  competition.  We  were  a 
sort  of  Tower  of  Babel  crowd.  The  European  pas- 
sengers looked  the  worse  for  wear,  and  their  appear- 
ance, actions  and  words  convinced  me  that  "A  Life 
on  the  Ocean  Wave"  was  a  poetical  expression  for 
Englishmen  and  Americans  only.  The  song  has 
never  been  translated  that  I  know  of,  hence  other 
nations  know  nothing  of  the  poetry  of  such  a  life; 
and  I  had  the  proof  of  it  right  there  before  me  and 
all  about  me.  Wm.  J.  Bryan  is  said  to  be  responsible 
for  the  following  sentence:*  "There  is  rest  in  an 
ocean  voyage.  The  receding  shores  shut  out  the  hum 
of  the  busy  world;  the  expanse  of  water  soothes  the 
eye  by  its  vastness ;  the  breaking  of  the  waves  is  music 
to  the  ear  and  there  is  medicine  for  the  nerves  in  the 
salt  sea  breezes  that  invite  to  sleep."  How  eloquent 
must  be  the  man  who  can  talk  or  write  like  that  on 
shipboard. 

The  steerage  was  crammed  with  men,  women,  chil- 

•Chicago  Daily  News,  Jan.  13.  1906. 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        67 

dren,  dogs  and  chickens;  the  dogs  and  chickens  in 
coops  and  the  humans  huddled  quite  as  closely  togeth- 
er on  their  deck  space.  The  latter  were  much  worse 
off  because  they  had  a  little  more  intelligence  than 
the  chickens,  and  realized  their  situation  and  suffer- 
ings more  fully.  Some  of  the  men  stood  up  and  some 
sat  on  boxes,  bundles,  sky-lights  and  parts  of  the  rig- 
ging, staring  blankly  and  stupidly  about  them;  others 
loitered  about  the  narrow  gangways,  or  reclined  on 
the  dirty  deck,  playing  cards.  Women  and  girls  sat 
in  out-of-the-way  places  with  plates  of  unbuttered 
bread  and  dry  boiled  potatoes  in  their  laps,  eating 
with  ravenous  content  and  looking  and  acting  as  if 
they  had  not  eaten  before  for  a  fortnight.  As  the 
voyage  had  been  a  long  and  stormy  one,  the  appear- 
ances probably  were  not  at  great  variance  with  the 
facts. 

When  finally  we  steamed  out  into  the  open  sea  the 
big  boat,  which  sat  high  out  of  the  water,  rocked  al- 
most if  not  quite  as  badly  as  had  the  S.  S.  Limon. 
Many  of  the  saloon  (so-called  first-class)  passengers 
amused  themselves  watching  and  criticising  the  sea- 
weary  crowd  on  the  steerage  deck  below  them,  and 
laughed  loudly  whenever  one  of  the  sufferers  would 
give  way  to  a  paroxysm  of  sickness.  But  some  of 
those  heartless  laugh-promoters  got  their  deserts,  for 
the  night  turned  out  to  be  quite  stormy  and  they 
themselves  did  what  seemed  so  amusing  when  others 
did  it. 

The  Port  Limon  passengers  were  quite  gay  for 
people  who  were  traveling  over  a  thousand  miles  by 


68  TO  PANAMA 

sea,  and  over  a  hundred  by  land,  in  order  to  get  to 
a  place  that  had  been  only  a  hundred  miles  distant 
before  the  great  flood  of  the  Reventazon  or  Big  Bus- 
ter River.  I  was  particularly  interested  in  an  English 
resident  of  San  Jose  who  had  traveled  extensively  in 
Europe  and  Central  America  and  spoke  French,  Ital- 
ian, Spanish  and  English  quite  fluently  and  frequently. 
He  spoke  to  every  one  in  his  own  language  and  was 
"hail-fellow-well-met"  with  all.  Before  the  ship  left 
the  pier  he  treated  and  was  treated  by  the  Limonians 
who  came  to  see  him  off,  and  after  we  got  off  he  did 
the  same  to  his  friends  on  board.  In  order  to  save  his 
head  he  drank  a  great  deal  of  champagne  cider,  a 
temperance  drink  which  limits  its  ravages  mainly  to 
the  stomach.  We  put  out  to  sea  at  four-thirty,  and 
by  five-thirty  his  stomach  weighed  a  ton  and  had  to 
be  lightened  by  throwing  a  part  of  its  cargo  over- 
board. By  dinner  time  he  was  a  changed  man  and 
acted  as  small  as  before  he  had  acted  big.  When  he 
sat  down  at  the  table  he  put  on  a  brave  and  cheerful 
look.  But  I  could  see  that  his  bravura  and  cheerful- 
ness were  only  skin  deep,  for  there  was  no  confirm- 
atory luster  in  his  eyes  and  no  pleasant  word  on  his 
tongue.  While  the  soup  was  being  eaten  he  began  to 
look  at  us  with  that  unmistakable,  conquered  expres- 
sion of  a  seasick  man.  He  stared  at  us  as  if  asking 
us  if  we  noticed  his  plight,  and  when  the  second 
course  came  on  he  had  to  capitulate.  He  suddenly 
stood  up  and  said  meekly,  "I  think  I  must  go/'  and 
left  the  table,  quickening  his  step  as  he  neared  the 
door. 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        69 

The  dinner  was  quite  elaborate,  but  the  foods  were 
mostly  Italian  mixtures  and  so  greasy  that  although 
the  motion  of  the  boat  did  not  affect  me,  my  stomach 
felt,  after  I  had  finished,  as  if  it  had  done  something 
wrong.  Grease  and  sauce  blend  the  flavors  of  food 
mixtures  into  a  greasy  and  saucy  harmony  and,  since 
the  taste  of  fat  is  agreeable  to  the  hungry  stomach, 
often  make  the  mess  taste  good.  This  is  one  of  the 
secrets  of  economical  cooking,  which  is  so  extensively 
cultivated  abroad.  The  mixtures,  although  not  at- 
tractive to  the  pampered  American  palate,  are  much 
more  healthful  than  mince  and  pumpkin  pie,  dough- 
nuts, baked  beans,  gingerbread,  boiled  corn  beef  and 
cabbage,  devil  cake  and  other  devil  dishes  of  Yankee 
invention.  Our  Pilgrim  Fathers  renounced  the  devil 
in  all  but  eating.  But  the  secret  of  the  enjoyment  of 
our  dinner  was  the  fact  that  we  S.  S.  Limonians,  who 
had  become  good  friends  and  good  sailors  during  the 
mutual  and  varied  experiences  of  our  voyage,  all  sat 
at  the  same  table  and  took  pleasure  in  each  other's 
company — the  more  so  because  all  around  us  were 
strangers  with  whom  we  had  nothing  in  common 
either  social  or  ancestral.  They  were  gesticulating 
and  talking  incessantly,  rolling  their  R's  like  ratchets 
and  becoming  more  noisy,  if  possible,  with  every  glass 
of  wine  they  swallowed.  The  ship  provided,  gratis, 
plenty  of  cheap  red  and  white  wine,  quite  enough  to 
inebriate  all  of  us  if  we  had  been  able  to  drink  enough 
of  it.  Our  Englishman  and  our  insurance  agent  tast- 
ed it  and  promptly  ordered  some  good  wine  at  their 
own  expense.  But  about  the  time  we  were  half 


70  TO  PANAMA 

through  eating  and  the  passengers  had  drunk  about 
all  they  wanted,  some  excellent  wine  was  brought  in 
and  served  free.  It  was  better  than  what  either  of 
our  men  had  ordered  and  drunk,  but  came  too  late 
for  them  to  enjoy  it.  Not  having  indulged  in  any 
before,  I  took  a  little  and  relished  it.  It  seemed  to 
affiliate  with  the  grease  that  was  growling  inside  of 
me,  and  made  it  feel  more  contented  to  remain  where 
it  was.  If  our  New  England  had  only  provided  an 
antidote  or  palliative  for  the  sweet  and  sodden  mix- 
tures with  which  she  tempts  us !  But  she  finishes  the 
destruction  of  digestion  by  slaking  and  cementing 
them  in  the  stomach  with  hard  cider. 

After  dinner  I  made  the  acquaintance  of  the  Italian 
ship  doctor,  who  spoke  Italian  and  French;  and  Doc- 
tor Echeverria  from  Limon,  who  spoke  Spanish, 
French  and  English ;  and  a  physician  from  Austria,  who 
spoke  Italian,  Spanish,  French,  English  and  German. 
And  as  I  attempted  to  palm  off  on  them  a  kind  of 
English,  German,  Spanish,  Italian  and  French  con- 
fusion, we  had  a  dizzy  and  delightful  time  together. 
Sometimes  two  languages  were  spoken  at  once.  But 
even  when  the  conversation  became  general  among  us 
the  language  was  apt  to  be  changed  with  each  speak- 
er, who  often  could  express  himself  better  in  a  lan- 
guage other  than  that  of  the  previous  speaker.  The 
comforting  part  of  it  was  that  even  when  the  language 
changed  with  each  speaker,  most  of  us  could  under- 
stand what  was  said,  and  only  became  a  little  bit 
dazed  and  stuttery  when  we  got  to  gesticulating  and 
talking  too  fast.  It  was  delightful,  but  it  was  strenu- 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        71 

ous.  It  would  have  been  more  congruous  to  have 
adopted  French,  the  only  language  which  we  all  spoke, 
as  a  common  medium,  but  as  none  of  us  was  French 
no  one  volunteered. 

After  our  polyglot  jugglery  had  exhausted  our  en- 
ergies and  our  interest  we  separated,  and  I  lay  down 
on  a  bench  and  rested  my  brain.  I  remained  there 
until  quite  late,  for  down  among  the  staterooms  there 
was  so  much  noise  and  bad  air  and  so  many  roaches, 
that  the  cool  quiet  fresh  air  on  deck  was  not  to  be 
exchanged  for  that  below  except  for  the  purpose  of 
obtaining  the  needed  sleep. 

When  I  finally  concluded  that  it  was  necessary  to 
go  to  bed,  I  noticed  some  passengers  preparing  to 
spend  the  night  in  their  steamer  chairs.  I  did  not 
wonder  at  their  choice  of  lodgings,  but  wondered  how 
many  shower  baths  they  would  get  before  morning. 
To  have  no  place  to  sleep  more  comfortable  than  a 
reclining  chair  with  wobbly  wooden  legs  and  arms,  is 
one  of  those  sidelights  of  travel  that  books  seldom  tell 
about  and  tourists  never  look  forward  to.  Down  be- 
low I  found  the  portholes  on  my  side  of  the  ship 
closed  in  order  to  keep  the  waves  and  fresh  air  out- 
side where  they  belonged.  I  sighed  and  climbed  up 
into  the  upper  berth  near  the  ceiling,  for  the  lower 
one  was  occupied  by  dingy  sheets  and  pillow  cases. 
The  person  who  had  a  right  to  sleep  there  had  given 
it  up,  and  was  probably  outside  on  a  steamer  chair 
where  he  could  breathe  better. 

The  walls  or  partitions  between  the  staterooms 
reached  only  to  within  a  foot  of  the  ceiling,  which 


72  TO  PANAMA 

was  a  provision  for  diffusing  the  bad  air  and  odors 
equally  and  impartially  among  the  passengers.  I  did 
no  eavesdropping  nor  had  I  any  desire  to  pry  into  my 
neighbors'  private  affairs,  nevertheless  I  heard  dole- 
ful groans  and  desperate  whoops  that  were  intended 
to  be  kept  secret.  The  genial  English  linguist  who 
had  kept  sober  on  champagne  cider  was  in  the  room 
next  to  mine  doing  penance.  Even  after  the  general 
noises  had  subsided  he  occasionally  broke  the  silence 
and  started  desultory  responses  and  imitations  down 
the  corridor.  Finally  the  forced  contemplation  of 
misery  became  monotonous  and  wearisome  and  I  fell 
asleep  and  slept  until  the  morning  noises  and  noi- 
someness  began  to  come  over  the  partitions  and  awake 
my  ears  and  nostrils  to  a  renewed  sense  of  the  situa- 
tion. 

I  descended  from  my  elevated  couch,  hurried  into 
my  clothes  and  went  on  deck  to  let  the  close  air  out  of 
my  air  passages.  The  effect  of  the  fresh  air  was  hyp- 
notic, and  purgatory  was  forgotten.  In  a  short  time 
life  became  worth  living,  and  I  descended  to  the  dining 
room  where  the  odors  were  agreeable,  and  fortified 
myself  with  a  water  roll  and  two  cups  of  cafe-au-lait. 
It  seemed  to  me  that  the  half  of  seasickness,  consisted 
in  being  stowed  away  in  poorly  ventilated  and  malodor- 
ous covey  holes. 

We  arrived  at  Colon  between  eight  and  nine  o'clock. 
The  town  has  a  good  but  exposed  harbor  with  large 
covered  piers.  Only  two  or  three  other  steamships 
were  at  the  piers,  and  during  the  time  I  was  in  the 
town  I  never  saw  more  than  four  there  at  a  time.  Al- 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        73 

though  quite  a  number  of  ships  stopped,  but  few 
stayed  long,  which  was  possibly  due  in  part  to  the  fact 
that  the  harbor  afforded  but  little  protection  from  the 
terrible  "Northers"  that  occasionally  visited  it. 

As  we  moved  up  to  the  pier,  its  edge  was  crowded 
with  gesticulating  negroes  asking  in  Spanish  and 
broken  English  to  carry  our  baggage  but  who,  when 
we  finally  called  to  them,  told  us  to  wait.  This  use- 
less calling  made  the  crowded  landing  place  seem 
lively  and  busy,  although  nothing  was  being  done  but 
waiting.  The  health  officer  came  aboard  and  vacci- 
nated a  few  obstinate  steerage  passengers  who  had 
resisted  the  efforts  of  the  ship  surgeon,  but  now  had 
to  be  vaccinated  or  be  sent  back  home.  He  then  or- 
dered the  cabin  passengers  all  into  the  dining-room, 
glanced  at  us  and  talked  with  the  ship  surgeon.  Then 
the  custom  officer  called  us  into  the  parlor  and  made 
us  sign  a  declaration  of  our  baggage.  Finally,  after 
about  an  hour  of  fruitless  formality  they  allowed  us 
to  step  on  the  pier,  but  held  us  there  to  have  our  bag- 
gage rummaged.  At  the  opportune  moment  the  lin- 
guistic San  Jose  Englishman  who  the  day  before  had 
drunk  champagne  cider  to  everybody's  health  but  his 
own,  and  to  whom  the  habit  not  only  of  talking  to 
everybody  in  his  or  her  native  language  but  of  giving 
assistance  and  information  to  everybody,  either  was 
an  inherited  instinct  or  had  become  second  nature  by 
cultivation  and  habit,  appeared  suddenly,  as  if  by 
magic  and  from  nowhere,  and  made  the  custom  officer 
ashamed  to  examine  my  trunk.  He  was  not  acquaint- 
ed with  the  young  officer,  but  he  was  as  expert  with 


74  TO  PANAMA 

strangers  as  an  insurance  agent,  and  had  an  extra 
traveling  experience  as  well  as  a  compelling  touch  of 
nature.  One  became  his  friend  at  the  second  word  he 
uttered.  His  mouth  was  so  full  of  words  that  they 
came  out  spontaneously  and  seemed  to  enjoy  them- 
selves on  their  way  out.  Although  he  had  never  heard 
of  me  elsewhere,  he  introduced  me  as  a  delegate  to 
the  Medical  Congress  and  guest  of  the  Republic  of 
Panama,  and  made  me  out  so  important  and  distin- 
guished that  the  officer  touched  his  hat  apologetically 
and  hastily  closed  and  marked  my  trunk. 

Sanitary  circular  No.  13  was  handed  to  every  one 
who  landed  at  Colon.  It  contained  instructions  as  to 
the  best  way  of  avoiding  malaria  and  yellow  fever.  I 
have  preserved  mine,  but  it  has  become  so  badly  torn 
and  soiled  and  wrinkled  from  much  handling  and 
stuffing  away  in  a  crowded  steamer  trunk  that  it  is 
almost  illegible.  For  the  benefit  of  those  who  stay 
at  home,  but  wish  to  know  how  to  avoid  these  mala- 
dies, I  reproduce  it  here.  I  was  unable  to  smooth 
out  the  wrinkles,  however,  and  think  that  it  must  have 
become  slightly  altered  by  my  typewriter. 

WAR  DEPORTMENT. 

ISTHMAN   CANAL  COMMOTION. 

OFFICE  OF   THE   CHIEF   SAN   TOY  OFFICER. 

Ann  Cone,  Isthman  Canal  Zoo, 
November  28th,  1904. 
Circular  No.  13. 

This  circular  is  handed  to  each  new  rival  upon  the 
Isthmuss  for  the  purpose  of  instruction  as  to  how  to 
void  the  disease  most  prevalent  in  Panama  and  the 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY         75 

Canal  Zoo — MALE-ARIA.  Its  cause  is  now  well- 
known  and  each  one  with  a  little  care  can  do  a  great 
deal  toward  keeping  few  from  the  disease. 

It  has  been  proven  that  male-aria  is  only  given  to 
man  by  the  bite  of  a  female  musk-eater  of  a  certain 
species  (Anna  Pholes).  This  female  musk-eater 
must  always  bite  some  man-being  who  is  suffering 
from  male-aria  and,  in  the  blood  thus  drawn,  she  takes 
in  the  male-arian  parachute.  Within  a  few  days,  this 
parachute  infects  the  musk-eater  herself,  and  when 
she  next  bites  a  well  parson  she  injects  her  hospital 
into  the  beating  place.  In  this  hospital  the  male-arian 
parachute  is  injected,  and  thus  the  wealthy  parson 
contracts  the  disease. 

Now  if  every  man  would  use  a  musk-eater-bar,  so 
arranged  that  the  musk-eaters  could  not  get  into  the 
bar-room  at  night,  much  protection  would  be  pro- 
cured from  the  disease,  for  while  it  may  be  contracted 
during  the  day  time,  it  is  not  lovely  to  be.  Probably 
nine  tenths  of  the  male-arian  cusses  contract  the  dis- 
ease during  sleep,  because  the  male-arian  musk-eater 
is  a  night  biter,  and  the  parson  is  quiet  at  this  time. 

Absolute  protection  from  musk-eater  bites  is  im- 
possible, but  it  is  known  that  Queen-Anne  is  a  deadly 
person  to  the  male-arial  parachute  after  she  gets  into 
the  blood  of  a  humming  bee.  If  therefore  every  drone 
would  shake  three  grins  at  Queen-Anne  once  a  day, 
any  male-arial  parachute  that  has  been  introduced 
to  him  during  the  day  would  almost  certainly  be 
heeled.  The  best  time  probably  to  shake  Queen-Anne 
is  before  going  to  bed  at  night. 

W.  C.  Gorgas, 
Colonel,  Medical  Cops,  U.  S.  A. 

Chief  San  Toy  Officer. 

Colonel  Gorgas  is  said  to  be  a  clear-headed,  re- 
sponsible man,  but  after  reading  his  circular  as  re- 
stored I  will  not  consider  him  responsible. 


76  TO  PANAMA 

I  had  heard  so  much  about  Hotel  Washington  and 
its  delightful  situation  on  the  cool  tradewindy  side 
of  the  town  that  my  first  endeavor  upon  landing  was 
to  get  there  and  secure  comfortable  quarters.  As 
there  were  no  carriages,  omnibuses,  horse  cars,  dog 
carts  or  elevated  trains  visible  on  the  streets  (only 
steam  engines  and  freight  trains),  and  as  the  hotel 
was  only  a  five-minute  walk  from  the  wharf,  I  walked 
the  distance  and  hired  a  negro  boy  to  carry  my  trunk. 
It  was  only  ten  o'clock  in  the  morning  but  the  heat 
was  such  that  when  I  arrived  I  was  perspiring  most 
healthfully,  and  so  was  the  negro  boy  with  my  trunk 
on  his  shoulder.  I  asked  him  to  allow  me  to  help  him 
carry  the  trunk,  or  hire  a  helper,  but  he  refused  say- 
ing that  it  kept  the  sun  off  of  his  back. 

The  hotel  had  an  aged  and  careworn  look  and 
seemed  to  be  more  in  need  of  the  mild  climate  and 
salubrious  surroundings  than  any  of  the  guests  who 
were  lounging  in  its  shadows.  It  was  two  stories 
high,  and  consisted  of  a  long  row  of  rooms,  below 
and  above,  which  extended  in  single  file  parallel  with 
the  beach  and  about  a  hundred  feet  from  it  on  one 
side,  and  along  a  back  street  on  the  other  side.  Which 
was  the  front  side,  I  could  not  tell.  Wide  verandas 
bordered  each  floor  in  front  and  rear,  the  rear  (or 
front)  ones  serving  as  outdoor  sitting-rooms  and 
the  front  (or  rear)  ones  as  passageways  from  the 
rooms  to  the  stairway  outside.  Thus  each  room  had 
a  back  (or  front)  door  and  window  facing  the  sea 
and  a  front  (or  back)  door  and  window  facing  the 
town.  At  the  end  of  the  building  on  the  right  there 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY         77 

was  a  large  bath-house  with  several  cold  rain-water 
shower  baths  but  no  tubs.  From  the  bath-house  a 
wing  extended  toward  the  sea,  forming  with  the  main 
building  an  L-shaped  structure.  In  the  wing  the 
rooms  did  not  extend  through  from  veranda  to  ver- 
anda and  therefore  possessed  a  door  and  windows 
on  one  side  only;  a  poor  arrangement  for  tropical 
dormitories,  in  which  through  and  through  draughts 
of  air  are  necessary  for  health  and  comfort. 

The  grounds  consisted  of  a  well-kept  lawn  in  the 
rear  (or  front)  bounded,  near  the  water's  edge,  by  a 
shell  road  and  a  fine  row  of  lofty  cocoa  palms,  the 
conventional  ornaments  of  inhabited  tropical  shores. 
On  the  back  (or  front)  verandas  one  could  sit  and 
contemplate  the  ever  youthful  charms  of  nature,  en- 
joying the  constant  fanning  of  the  cool  sea  breeze  and 
forgetting  the  hollow-eyed  and  unattractive,  double 
faced  appearance  of  the  building.  The  only  indoor 
lounging  place  was  a  small  combination  sitting-room 
and  barroom ;  but  as  there  ought  to  be  no  indoors  in 
the  tropics  except  for  protection  from  night-biting 
insects  and  beasts,  this  defect  was  apparent  only. 

I  found  the  manager  busy  at  his  desk  in  a  little 
office  about  ten  feet  square,  that  opened  on  one  side 
into  the  hotel  barroom  and  on  the  other  into  his  gro- 
cery and  provision  store,  from  which  he  bought  pro- 
visions of  himself  for  his  hotel.  After  finishing  his 
business  with  the  clerk,  who  had  the  right-of-way, 
he  greeted  me  passively,  and  informed  me  that  there 
was  not  an  empty  room  in  the  house,  but  that  by 
night  he  might  be  able  to  put  me  in  a  room  with  an- 


78  TO  PANAMA 

other  occupant  or  two.  In  the  meantime  he  had  my 
trunk  and  bag  put  in  a  room  in  the  wing  of  the  house. 
The  room  contained  three  single  iron  beds,  two  old 
water-worn  wooden  washstands,  worth  $2.00  each,  if 
any  one  could  be  found  willing  to  buy  them,  a  center 
table  two  by  three  feet  in  diameter,  worth  $1.50,  and 
two  chairs  worth  nothing.  It  had  neither  a  closet 
nor  a  wardrobe,  and  the  two  windows  and  the  door 
were  on  the  same  side,  and  that  side  was  not  toward 
the  sea.  For  three  to  sleep  under  mosquito  bars  in 
one  room  without  an  opportunity  for  a  breeze  to  blow 
through  it,  would  have  been  existing  but  not  living. 
I  did  not  then  know  that  in  the  tropics  people  sleep 
with  doors  as  well  as  windows  wide  open,  utterly  in- 
different to  the  presence  or  proximity  of  others,  and 
that  they  subordinate  all  other  comforts  and  callings 
to  that  of  keeping  cool.  Seclusion  is,  according  to 
tropical  standards,  an  over-refinement  of  our  Nor- 
thern modesty.  In  the  tropics  strangers  eat,  talk 
and  sleep  in  common  and  in  public  in  spite  of  the 
tedium  of  small  talk  all  day  and  the  annoyance  of 
snoring  and  snorting  all  night;  in  the  North  we 
eat,  think,  sleep  and  weep  as  privately  as  possible, 
annoying  our  friends  and  relatives  only.  But  I 
was  not  born  in  the  tropics  nor  for  the  tropics, 
and  longed  for  the  comforts  and  privacy  I  had  en- 
dured on  the  S.  S.  Limon.  I  wished  I  was  on  my 
way  back  to  the  States.  Freezing  and  its  accessories 
were  not  so  bad  after  all  and  I  would  in  the  future 
cultivate  them,  and  try  to  see  their  bright  side.  I  was 
completely  discouraged,  and  could  not  reconcile  my- 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY         79 

self  to  a  communistic  life  of  this  kind;  so  I  resolved 
to  keep  on  the  move  until  I  found  a  place  where  I 
could  live  in  a  civilized  manner  even  if  I  did  not 
stop  moving  until  I  arrived  home. 

I  asked  about  trains  and  was  told  that  the  morning 
train  had  gone  and  no  other  would  go  until  after- 
noon. But  I  went  to  the  railroad  station  and  learned 
that  a  special  train  would  leave  in  about  an  hour.  It 
was  organized  to  take  the  passengers  of  our  Italian 
boat  across  the  isthmus  to  catch  a  Pacific  Mail  S.  S. 
I  therefore  returned  to  the  hotel  and  hired  a  negro 
to  take  my  trunk  back  to  the  station.  This  negro  pro- 
duced a  tiny  dray-cart,  drawn  by  a  tiny  four-legged 
skeleton  of  a  tropical  horse  and  offered  to  haul  both 
myself  and  my  trunk.  If  an  able-bodied  man  had 
been  harnessed  to  it,  I  should  have  accepted;  but  I 
had  pity  on  the  skeleton  and  walked  to  the  station, 
allowing  the  trunk  to  ride.  I  was  soon  booked  and 
baggaged  for  Panama,  and  was  happy  again  at  hav- 
ing escaped  the  annoyance  and  discomforts  of  room- 
ing with  strangers  in  a  strange  land,  and  at  having 
the  certainty  of  arriving  in  three  hours  at  my  long 
journey's  end — at  Panama,  the  oldest  city  on  the 
continent.  Quaint  old,  cute  old,  historic  old  Panama ! 
where  picturesque  revolutionists  were  as  plentiful  as 
commonplace  millionaires  in  New  York.  Panama 
meant  rest,  clean  clothes,  baths,  sight-seeing  and  sies- 
tas ;  and  it  could  not  be  much  hotter  than  Colon.  I  felt 
like  one  of  the  world's  elect,  for  although  many  go  to 
a  hotter  place,  but  few  get  to  Panama. 

I  had  paid  each  of  the  negroes  who  had  carried  my 


8o  TO  PANAMA 

trunk  the  fifty  cents  which  they  demanded.  But  I 
learned  afterward  that  they  meant  Central  American 
silver,  which  is  worth  only  half  as  much  as  gold. 
Hence  I  paid  each  of  them  the  equivalent  of  a  dollar 
in  their  money,  or  double  the  amount  they  asked. 
However,  I  would  recommend  this  double  method  of 
paying  tropical  negroes,  as  it  secures  good  service  and 
doesn't  bankrupt  anybody.  My  second  negro  was 
very  attentive  and  had  my  baggage  weighed  for  me, 
and  thus  enabled  me  to  pay  $2.50  for  it  without  any 
trouble.  When,  however,  I  had  finally  settled  at  the 
rate  of  three  cents  a  pound  for  my  baggage  and  about 
that  much  a  rod  for  my  fare,  I  discovered  that  the 
delegates  to  the  Medical  Congress  were  entitled  to 
free  transportation  for  themselves  and  baggage.  The 
negro  had  thus  cost  me  $11.50  more  than  I  should 
have  paid.  He  was  literally  a  born  blackleg  and  I 
was  a  natural  born  greenhorn,  but  we  were  both  inno- 
cent, and  doing  the  best  we  knew  how,  and  no  harm 
had  been  done. 

After  my  great  disappointment  with  the  hotel  and 
all  of  the  activity  involved,  I  felt  faint,  for  I  had 
breakfasted  at  break  of  day  on  the  conventional  noth- 
ing, viz.,  a  dry  roll  and  coffee.  So  I  stepped  into  a 
combination  saloon  and  restaurant  to  get  an  appetizer 
to  prepare  me  for  a  real  breakfast,  for  in  Central 
America,  as  in  France,  they  rightly  call  their  first 
meal  coffee  and  their  second  meal  breakfast.  When 
I  had  drunk  my  beer  the  bar-tender  asked  fifty  cents 
for  it.  "This  is  too  much,"  I  thought.  "If  they  charge 
fifty  cents  for  beer,  they  must  charge  about  a  dollar 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        81 

and  a  half  for  a  highball  and  five  dollars  for  a  beef- 
steak. I  had  better  get  back  home  where  I  can  afford 
to  eat  and  drink."  I  handed  the  bartender  a  silver 
half  dollar  and  to  my  surprise  he  handed  me  a  silver 
half  dollar  back.  Thinking  that  he  had  made  a  mis- 
take, I  gave  it  back  to  him.  He  took  the  coin,  looked 
at  it  and  again  returned  it  to  me.  Then  I  also  looked 
at  it  and  saw  that  it  was  a  Columbian  half  dollar,  equal 
to  our  quarter  dollar.  I  felt  greatly  relieved — my 
glass  of  beer  had  only  cost  a  quarter.  So  I  drank 
another  and  made  him  keep  the  money,  and  he  apolo- 
gized for  having  tried  to  make  me  take  the  money  in- 
stead of  another  beer.  I  learned  that  beer  was  one  of 
the  most  expensive  drinks  on  the  isthmus.  It  was  an 
exotic  from  Milwaukee.  It  had  to  be  brought  a  great 
distance  in  bottles,  and  instead  of  costing  two  thirds 
as  much  as  a  highball  it  cost  nearly  twice  as  much. 
The  regular  price  for  ordinary  drinks  at  the  bar,  ex- 
cepting beer,  was  only  fifteen  cents  in  U.  S.  money, 
which  was  consoling.  I  should  be  able  to  drink  even 
if  I  could  not  afford  to  eat. 

After  getting  some  real  breakfast  at  half  price  I 
felt  better  as  well  as  wiser,  and  went  to  the  station 
and  found  the  officials  still  weighing  baggage.  The 
extra  train  was  proving  profitable  and  would  prob- 
ably be  crowded.  Hence  I  hurried  into  the  cars  to 
secure  a  seat,  and  was  glad  I  had  done  so,  for  pretty 
soon  they  were  filled  until  there  was  hardly  breathing 
space.  It  was  not  that  the  passengers  were  too  nu- 
merous, but  they  had  brought  countless  bags,  bundles, 
blankets  and  other  unperfumed  traveling  furniture 


82  TO  PANAMA 

all  done  up  in  hand  packages,  and  had  piled  them  up 
on  and  between  the  seats.  They  could  take  them  thus 
without  paying  for  them.  We  had  first-class  tickets, 
but  were  transported  like  emigrants  and  were  nearly 
two  hours  late  in  getting  off.  But  I  did  not  mind  that, 
for  the  other  S.  S.  Limonians  were  there,  and  we 
were  enjoying  each  other's  company  and  the  privilege 
of  commenting  freely  upon  our  strange  surroundings. 

We  were  hardly  out  of  the  station,  when  the  genial 
champagne-cider-Englishman  from  San  Jose,  who 
had  telegraphed  to  the  Pacific  Mail  S.  S.  Company 
to  hold  their  boat  for  his  party,  and  who  had  been 
mainly  instrumental  in  getting  the  extra  train  put  on, 
came  down  the  aisle  with  a  bottle  of  that  most  wine- 
like  whiskey,  called  "Scotch,"  and  our  S.  S.  Limonian 
Englishman  produced  three  bottles  of  that  most  wine- 
like  water  called  "White  Rock"  out  of  one  of  his 
dozen  traveling  bags.  So  we  had  a  Scotch  treat. 
Pretty  soon  nearly  every  person  in  the  car  had  re- 
verted to  his  atavistic  emigrant  nature,  and  was  eat- 
ing out  of  his  hand  and  drinking  out  of  his  bottle.  It 
was  quite  an  enjoyable  picknicky  experience,  only  I 
could  not  eat.  I  had  taken  a  hearty  meat  breakfast 
before  starting,  instead  of  waiting  for  this  sociable 
lunch. 

The  journey  of  two  hours  was  a  delightful  trans- 
formation from  our  long  siege  of  Caribbean  discom- 
fort. The  cars  had  no  glass  in  the  windows,  and  the 
breeze  caused  by  our  motion  kept  us  comfortably  cool 
without  bringing  in  any  dust.  The  inhabitants  we 
saw  along  the  road  were  as  black  and  curious  looking 


HUTS  OX  LINE  OF  PANAMA  ROAD 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        83 

as  imps,  and  the  foliage  so  dense  in  places  £S  to  ap- 
pear almost  solid;  and  the  frequent  views  of  portions 
of  the  incomplete  canal  and  of  the  picturesque  rivers 
that  intersected  and  mirrored  the  tangled  foliage,  lent 
a  fascinating  wildness  and  weirdness  to  the  land- 
scape, that  reminded  us  of  oriental  tales  and  occult 
apparitions. 

But  all  is  not  gold  that  glitters,  nor  passion  that 
paints,  nor  poetry  that  poses.  Commerce  and  greed, 
poverty  and  death,  profit  and  loss,  had  left  their  trails. 
In  places  we  saw  ruined  machinery  sticking  out  of 
the  underbrush.  Indeed,  whole  workshops  were  cov- 
ered and  all  but  concealed  by  the  rank  growth  of  veg- 
etation. At  Bas  Matachin  a  machine  shop  with  an 
equipment  worth  at  least  a  quarter  of  a  million  of  dol- 
lars and  covering  six  acres  was  overgrown;  and  near 
it  several  acres  of  car  wheels  and  steel  rails  had  al- 
ready been  dug  out.  After  being  put  in  order  the 
shop  was  going  to  develop  a  capacity  for  turning  out 
fifteen  locomotives  and  115  cars  per  month.  Other 
warehouses  contained  a  million  dollars'  worth  of 
pumps,  dredges  and  machine  tools.  Hundreds  of  su- 
perfluous letter  presses  and  six  tons  of  rusty  steel 
pens  were  found  among  them.  At  Culebra  they  were 
repairing  1,000  cars,  thirty  locomotives  and  seven  ex- 
cavators, besides  many  antiquated  steam  shovels,  all 
of  which  were  to  be  utilized  to  keep  men  busy  until 
more  modern  machinery  could  be  imported.  Costly 
chicken-coops,  a  horse  bath-tub  15x75  feet  in  area, 
and  a  pig  pen  100x200  feet  (the  latter  made  of  con- 
crete with  iron  supports  and  a  galvanized  roof,  and 


84  TO  PANAMA 

capable  of  holding  200  hogs)  were  discovered  in  the 
jungle.  Surely  Panama  until  just  recently  contained 
the  greatest  amount  of  accessible  buried  treasures  of 
any  country  in  the  world.  In  the  basement  of  the  ad- 
ministration building  at  Panama  are  French  printing 
presses  and  lithographic  presses,  and  a  carload  of 
drawing  sheets,  which  is,  according  to  the  investiga- 
tion of  Frank  C.  Carpenter,  from  whose  writings  the 
above  astonishing  items  of  information  are  taken, 
thousands  of  dollars'  worth  more  than  can  be  used 
in  all  of  the  work  of  the  canal. 

During  the  last  half  hour  of  the  journey  across  the 
isthmus  the  scenery  was  hilly,  and  the  view  less  im- 
peded by  crowding  vegetation.  The  barracks  of  the 
U.  S.  marines  at  Empire,  nestling  in  the  foliage  on 
the  side  of  the  mountain,  made  a  romantic  picture  as 
seen  from  the  train,  something  like  Rhine  scenery 
without  the  Rhine.  And  I  think  that  the  luxuriance 
of  the  tropical  foliage  in  the  valley  made  an  acceptable 
substitute  for  the  Rhine  at  that  point.  Better  to  have 
Rhine  scenery  without  the  Rhine  than  the  Rhine 
without  any  scenery,  since  we  can't  have  everything 
in  Panama.  It  is  easier  to  imagine  a  river  than  to 
imagine  the  scenery.  But  when  the  canal  Is  finished 
we  will  also  have  to  imagine  the  scenery,  for  the  pres- 
ent railroad  and  many  of  the  villages  we  were  looking 
at  will  be  at  the  bottom  of  a  lake,  and  ships  will  be 
passing  over  them. 

We  rode  through  the  Culebra  cut,  where  they  are 
cutting  through  a  mountain  ridge  300  feet  high.  Three 
hundred  feet  high  seems  pretty  low  for  a  mountain 


COLON  AND  THE  PANAMA  RAILWAY        85 

ridge  until  one  attempts  to  dig  through  it  and  carry 
the  rocky  debris  twenty-three  miles  up  the  Atlantic 
coast  whence  it  can  not  be  borne  back  by  the  torrents 
of  the  rainy  season.  Its  accomplishment  would  make 
a  fit  subject  for  an  Arabian  Night  story.  But  Uncle 
Sam  finds  it  easy.  He  is  going  to  build  the  canal  over 
the  mountain,  and  make  his  cement  out  of  the  debris. 

Suddenly,  long  before  I  expected  or  even  desired 
it,  we  stopped  at  the  city  of  Panama,  the  Mecca  of  my 
pilgrimage.  I  bade  farewell  to  the  S.  S.  Limonians, 
who  were  taken  by  the  train  to  the  mouth  of  the  canal 
where  the  pier  was  located  and  where  the  Pacific  Mail 
steamer  was  waiting  for  them,  and  started  for  Hotel 
Central.  One  of  the  most  agreeable  features  about 
steamship  friends  is  that  there  is  no  pain  at  parting. 
We  enjoy  them,  and  leave  them  rejoicing,  and  readily 
find  substitutes  wherever  we  go.  If  we  meet  them 
again  soon,  we  greet  them  as  vociferously  as  if  they 
were  old  cronies;  if  we  never  meet  them  again  we 
forget  them  as  if  they  had  been  changes  in  the 
weather. 

I  found  cabmen  in  abundance,  all  native  negroes. 
They  were  unlike  any  other  cabmen  I  had  ever  met. 
In  a  way  they  were  saints,  gentlemen  and  business 
men,  and  didn't  "let  on."  Instead  of  taking  advan- 
tage of  the  facts  that  the  weather  at  Panama  was 
always  either  hot  or  rainy,  the  distance  too  great  to 
be  walked,  and  that  there  were  no  street  cars,  to  charge 
a  dollar  for  the  long  ride  to  the  hotel  at  the  other 
end  of  the  town,  they  charged  ten  cents.  Pah  I  In 
Chicago  the  cabfare  from  the  railway  stations  to  my 


86  TO  PANAMA 

house  is  two  dollars  and  a  half.  But  by  keeping 
their  price  down  to  ten  cents  the  Panama  cabmen 
not  only  have  killed  street  car  competition,  but  they 
get  more  jobs  without  doing  any  more  work.  Their 
horses  do  the  work  while  they  merely  take  rides,  and 
are  kept  cool  by  the  motion  and  entertained  by  their 
customers.  It  is  a  wonder  that  with  such  successful 
and  moral  business  models  so  near  them,  the  Colon 
negroes  can  be  so  mercenary  and  shortsighted. 

I  like  a  cheap  ride,  but  when  it  is  as  cheap  as  that 
it  seems  like  something  not  worth  having.  One  can 
take  two  and  a  half  rides  for  their  price  of  a  glass  of 
beer.  It  is  preposterous.  While  in  Panama  I  did 
refuse  to  ride  once,  and  walked  to  the  station  from  the 
hotel — but  only  once.  The  ride  was  worth  the  price 
of  two  and  a  half  schooners  of  beer.  The  distance 
was  composed  of  cobblestones  and  animated  by  heat, 
and  grew  upon  acquaintance.  Walking  at  night  in  the 
tropics  is  pleasurable  and  healthy,  but  by  day  it  is 
impossible.  In  the  tropics  one  should  do  as  the  wild 
beasts  do,  viz.,  keep  out  of  the  sun  and  let  beer  alone. 


ALONG  PANAMA  RAILROAD 


CHAPTER  VI 

Panama 

Origin  of  the  Name  Panama — Suggestions  for  Change  of 
Name — Enlightening  a  Cab  Driver — Scalping  in  the 
United  States — A  Cure  for  Obesity — Shirking — Descrip- 
tion of  Road  from  the  Railroad  Station  to  the  Hotel 
Central — Plaza  Central — Tips — The  Negro  in  the  North 
and  South — Dr.  Frank's  Opinion — How  the  Tropical 
Negro's  Wants  Are  Satisfied — Opportunities  for  Negroes 
and  Mulattoes  in  the  Tropics — Solution  of  the  Race 
Problem. 

We  are  told  that  Panama  is  the  Indian  name  for 
good  fishing  place,  or  place  abounding  in  fish.  Judg- 
ing from  the  hotel  fare  this  might  be  so,  for  when 
we  did  not  have  canned  fish,  we  had  fresh.  But  this 
explanation  is  regarded  by  archaeologists  as  a  fish 
story  and  lacks  anthropologic  evidence.  As  to  ety- 
mology, the  name  sounds  and  looks  more  like  Greek, 
Latin  or  Spanish  than  Indian.  Panamahaha  would 
sound  more  like  an  Indian  name  and  would  express 
more. 

One  enthusiastic  writer  says  the  name  Panama  was 
given  to  the  city  because  it  is  the  oldest  city  on  the 
continent,  the  Pa  and  Ma  of  American  cities.  The 
simplicity  of  the  explanation  gives  it  weight.  Sim- 
plicity and  truth  are  twins,  and  simplicity  was  born 
first. 

87 


88  TO  PANAMA 

A  Spanish  scientist  asserts  that  the  original  name 
was  Panima  from  Pa  ni  Ma,  which  means  neither 
father  nor  mother.  He  claims  that  as  the  first  city 
of  America,  it  had  neither  father  nor  mother.  This 
is  simpler  still. 

A  Scandinavian  historian  thinks  that  the  original 
name  was  Panamerica,  which  is  Swedish.  Eric  was 
cut  out  later,  and  Panama  was  left. 

A  celebrated  English  captain,  whose  name  has  been 
forgotten,  thinks  that  the  real  name  was  Panamaniac, 
because  the  inhabitants  were  unlike  the  English,  and 
refers  to  the  capture  of  Panama  by  Morgan  the  pi- 
rate as  proof.  The  inhabitants  who  went  forth  to 
fight  insanely  allowed  themselves  to  be  scattered  and 
driven  back  by  their  own  horses  and  cows.  He  says 
that  the  English  do  not  fear  these  animals. 

Sportsmen  say  that  the  name  is  Indian  and  that  it 
refers  to  the  method  of  fishing  formerly  in  vogue  by 
the  natives.  The  fisherman  leans  over  the  water  and 
agitates  it  with  his  beard  and  lips,  whereupon  the  fish, 
who  can  not  distinguish  a  dark  colored  face  above 
the  surface  of  the  water  from  a  tree  trunk,  takes  the 
agitation  of  the  water  for  that  made  by  bugs,  darts 
at  the  place  and  lands  between  the  Indian's  teeth,  and 
is  caught. 

I  myself  am  inclined  to  cut  the  Gordian  knot  by 
proposing  a  new  name.  With  a  temperature  of  90 
to  100  degrees  F.  in  the  shade  on  Christmas  and  New 
Year's  days,  the  town  should  be  called  Infero  in  Esper- 
anto, Inferno  in  Italian,  Enfer  in  French,  Hoelle  in 
German,  Lugar  Endiablado  in  Spanish  and  Vamick  in 


PANAMA  89 

Volapuk.  I  suggested  this  explanation  to  our  English- 
man of  the  S.  S.  Limon  as  we  were  parting  at  the 
Panama  railroad  station,  and  he  said,  "Go  to  Panama." 

I  chartered  a  ten-cent  cab  at  the  station  and  en- 
tered into  conversation  with  the  driver,  who,  with  his 
vast  fund  of  knowledge  concerning  Spanish  words 
and  Panama  city  geography,  taught  me  many  things. 
He  was  one  of  the  few  Panama  cabmen  who  spoke 
English. 

In  order  to  give  him  some  information  in  return,  I 
told  him  that  I  came  from  one  of  the  youngest  and 
largest  cities  in  the  United  States,  a  city  in  which  we 
had  a  river  whose  water  ran  backward  toward  its 
source,  that  the  city  had  also  built  a  canal  that  car- 
ried the  waters  from  Lake  Michigan  uphill  on  its  way 
down  to  the  Gulf  of  Mexico,  and  had  constructed  a 
pump  that  would  have  pumped  the  Niagara  Falls  into 
the  Mississippi  River  had  not  the  rest  of  the  country 
objected  and  interfered.  I  told  him  that  some  of  us 
remembered  when  Chicago  was  the  center  of  the 
greatest  Indian  scalping  district  of  the  world. 

He  stared  at  me  with  the  whites  of  his  eyes  while 
I  was  talking,  and  then  wanted  to  know  if  I  had  ever 
seen  any  one  scalped.  I  told  him  that  I  had  myself 
been  scalped  five  times  and  was  now  growing  my 
sixth  head  of  hair ;  that  the  hair  of  many  of  our  wom- 
en turned  golden  yellow  instead  of  gray  as  they  grew 
older;  that  hairgrowing  was  one  of  our  industries, 
and  our  horticulturists  made  it  grow  on  wax  figures 
faster  than  it  grows  on  babies'  heads,  just  as  our 
builders  put  roofs  on  houses  before  building  the  walls, 


QO  TO  PANAMA 

and  in  his  hot  country  would  leave  off  the  walls 
altogether. 

"Do  they  ever  begin  at  the  roof  and  build  down- 
ward?" he  asked,  dryly. 

"Not  as  a  rule,  but  we  often  begin  the  new  build- 
ing before  the  old  one  is  torn  down,  and  put  in  the 
new  foundation  and  supports  while  the  old  building 
is  still  inhabited." 

He  did  not  seem  to  know  that  I  was  telling  the 
truth,  for  he  began  to  lose  interest  and  whipped  up 
his  emaciated  horse  to  keep  it  from  falling  down,  and 
apart.  So  I  changed  the  subject. 

"Your  horse  seems  to  be  getting  very  thin  from 
your  efforts.  Or  perhaps  it  is  from  its  own  efforts. 
It  is  tired  carrying  its  age,  which,  of  course,  is  grow- 
ing greater  and  heavier  every  day.  It  ought  to  be 
wired  and  connected  with  a  power-house.  In  my 
country  we  put  up  better  frameworks  and  run  them 
by  gasoline  vapor.  How  do  you  feed  it?" 

"I  don't  feed  him." 

"I  beg  pardon.    I  meant  to  ask  how  you  diet  him?" 

"He  works  and  fasts  until  six  in  the  evening,  when 
I  then  turn  him  loose  and  let  him  nibble.  I  lay  off 
once  a  week  to  spend  my  week's  earnings,  and  turn 
him  out  to  grass  for  the  day,  when  he  fills  up." 

"I  have  it  at  last,"  I  exclaimed  so  suddenly  that  he 
gave  a  little  start.  "I  have  been  seeking  a  cure  for 
obesity  for  years,  and  you  have  found  it  and  demon- 
strated it.  I'll  make  my  fat  patients  fast  and  work 
all  day,  let  them  nibble  after  6  P.  M.  and  once  a  week 
turn  them  out  to  golf,  which  includes  both  the  grass 
and  the  filling  up." 


IN  PANAMA  CITY 

Store  and  Residence  of  the  Poorer  Quarter 


PANAMA  91 

"What  a  queer  country  yours  is,"  he  said,  "I  should 
think  that  people  would  make  fun  of  each  other  all 
of  the  time." 

"They  do.  Scheming  for  each  other's  money  and 
then  making  fun  of  the  losers,  keep  them  busy  and 
happy.  But  why  do  you  tire  yourself  beating  your 
horse?" 

"I'm  working,  or  being  worked,  I  hardly  know 
which." 

"And  what  is  the  horse  doing?  If  he  could  only 
take  the  whip!" 

"He's  shirking,  sir.     I'm  giving  him  the  whip." 

"Well,  it's  about  time  for  him  to  shirk.  He  prob- 
ably wants  to  do  it  once  more,  and  has  no  time  to  lose. 
If  the  poor  brute  could  only  talk,  as  we  do." 

"That's  one  bad  quality  he  doesn't  share  with  us, 
sir." 

After  we  had  thus  driven  about  a  mile,  the  houses, 
which  near  the  station  were  dilapidated  one  and  two- 
story  frame  structures,  teeming  with  Chinese  and 
negroes,  began  to  improve  in  quality,  and  we  came 
to  the  Plaza  and  Church  of  Santa  Ana.  Here  we 
found  ourselves  to  all  appearances  in  an  old  Span- 
ish town,  as  full  of  medieval  inconveniences  as  New 
York  or  Chicago  of  modern  improvements.  Span- 
ish houses,  churches,  streets,  plazas  and  people — 
everything  quaint,  curious  and  comfortless — dirty,  dis- 
eased and  dead.  We  passed*  many  hotels,  but  the 
buildings  were  small,  old,  dingy  and  uninviting  in 
appearance.  They  looked  more  like  homes  for  mi- 
crobes and  macrobes  rather  than  donas  and  hidalgos. 


92  TO  PANAMA 

The  next  half  or  three-quarter  mile  was  through 
the  best  business  part  of  the  city  where  whites  pre- 
dominated. The  houses  were  Spanish  in  style,  two 
or  three  stories  high,  nearly  all  having  stores  on  the 
ground  floor  and  living  apartments  above.  They 
formed  a  solid  front  of  masonry,  slightly  varied,  and 
were  built  in  little  blocks  that  measured  about  100  by 
200  feet.  The  cross  streets  were  too  narrow  for  two 
persons  to  walk  abreast,  so  that  the  only  way  for  pe- 
destrians to  pass  one  another  was  to  step  off  into  the 
street,  and  the  only  way  for  vehicles  to  pass  one  an- 
other was  to  make  use  of  the  sidewalks.  However, 
that  didn't  matter.  Vehicles  did  not  frequent  the 
side  streets,  although  plenty  of  cabs  were  rattling 
back  and  forth  on  the  main  thoroughfare  which  led 
us  from  the  railroad  station  to  Plaza  Central,  the 
principal  public  square  and  park  of  the  town.  It  was 
square  in  shape  and  about  250  feet  in  diameter,  and 
was  occupied  by  the  Parque  de  la  Catedral  (Cathe- 
dral Park),  all  except  a  twenty-foot  strip  of  street 
extending  around  the  outer  edges.  The  street  was 
also  paved  with  those  sounding  cobble-stones  for  car- 
riages and  horses  to  rattle  upon  and  murder  sleep. 
The  foliage  in  the  park  was  thick  but,  as  the  dry  sea- 
son had  already  set  in,  it  had  not  the  luxuriance  and 
brilliancy  of  that  on  the  other  side  of  the  isthmus. 
The  garden  of  the  hotel  at  Limon,  Costa  Rica,  was 
still  the  most  gorgeous  bit  of  vegetation  I  had  seen. 

On  the  west  side  of  the  square  stood  the  Cathedral. 
Its  high  square  Spanish  towers  were  crusted  over 
with  pearly  shells,  and  adorned  with  delicate,  tree-like 


THE  CATHEDRAL  OF  PANAMA  AND  CORNER  OF 
THE  PARK 


PANAMA  93 

shrubs  which  grew  upon  their  venerable  walls.  On 
the  same  side  of  the  square  was  a  small  department 
store.  On  the  north  side  were,  besides  the  business 
houses,  the  Pacific  Steam  Navigation  Company  and 
the  Panama  Lottery,  the  latter  being  the  lower  floor 
of  the  bishop's  house.  On  the  south  side  was  a  book 
store  and  the  United  States  government  official  build- 
ing. On  the  east  side  flourished  a  German  saloon,  a 
money  changer,  two  business  houses  and  Hotel  Cen- 
tral. In  the  hotel  building,  and  flanking  the  main 
entrance  or  corridor  on  either  side,  were  an  immense 
barroom  and  a  small  barber  shop,  each  apparently 
doing  a  rushing  business.  Next  to  the  hotel  on  the 
second  floor,  over  a  store,  was  a  Spanish  club  where 
cards  were  played  after  dark  and  before  dawn. 

I  tipped  the  cabman  with  a  nickel,  equal  to  fifty 
per  cent,  of  his  pay  for  the  ride,  and  received  a  polite 
bow  and  "Gracias,  Senor." 

I  was  told  afterward  that  the  tipping  of  cabmen 
was  not  customary.  The  cabmen  of  Panama  are  so 
honest  and  disinterested  that  a  pleasant  word  is  as 
good  as  a  tip.  If  only  our  American  negroes,  who 
believe  that  one  good  tip  deserves  another,  would  all 
go  to  Panama  and  do  as  the  Panama  negroes  do,  they 
would  learn  to  be  tolerant  of  the  whites,  who  wish 
only  to  be  served  and  left  alone. 

I  do  not  suppose  that  all  of  my  Northern  readers 
take  enough  interest  in  their  negro  brothers  to  study 
the  race  question.  Some  think  they  do  not  have  to. 
For  the  enlightenment  of  such  as  do  not  study,  I  will 
quote  from  a  recent  popular  novel  that  was  being 


94  TO  PANAMA 

printed  in  this  country  while  I  was  in  Panama,  and 
has  since  been  dramatized.  The  quotation  represents 
a  Southern  physician,  Doctor  Cameron,  telling  a 
statesman  named  Stoneman  how  the  negroes  mal- 
treated the  whites  in  South  Carolina  after  having 
voted  themselves  into  complete  political  control  of 
the  state. 

"  The  negro  is  the  master  of  our  state,  county, 
city  and  town  governments.  Every  school,  college, 
hospital,  asylum  and  poorhouse  is  his  prey.  What  you 
have  seen  is  but  a  sample.  Negro  insolence  grows 
beyond  endurance.  Their  women  are  taught  to  insult 
their  old  mistresses  and  mock  their  poverty  as  they 
pass  in  their  old,  faded  dresses.  Yesterday  a  black 
driver  struck  a  white  child  of  six  with  his  whip,  and 
when  the  mother  protested,  she  was  arrested  by  a 
negro  policeman,  taken  before  a  negro  magistrate, 
and  fined  ten  dollars  for  "insulting  a  freedman."  ' 

"Stoneman  frowned:  'Such  things  must  be  very 
exceptional/ 

"  'They  are  everyday  occurrences  and  cease  to  ex- 
cite comment.  .  .  .  Our  school  commissioner  is 
a  negro  who  can  neither  read  nor  write.  The  black 
grand  jury  last  week  discharged  a  negro  for  stealing 
cattle  and  indicted  the  owner  for  false  imprisonment. 
No  such  rate  of  taxation  was  ever  imposed  on  a  civ- 
ilized people.  A  tithe  of  it  cost  Great  Britain  her 
colonies.  There  are  5,000  homes  in  this  country — 
2,900  of  them  are  advertised  for  sale  by  the  sheriff  to 
meet  his  tax  bills.  .  .  .  Congress,  in  addition  to 
the  desolation  of  the  war  and  the  ruin  of  black  rule, 


PANAMA  95 

has  wrung  from  the  cotton  farmers  of  the  South  a 
tax  of  $67,000,000.  Every  dollar  of  this  money  bears 
the  stain  of  the  blood  of  starving  people.  They  are 
ready  to  give  up,  or  to  spring  some  desperate  scheme 
of  resistance ' 

"The  old  man  lifted  his  massive  head  and  his  great 
jaws  came  together  with  a  snap: 

"  'Resistance  to  the  authority  of  the  national  gov- 
ernment ?' 

"  'No ;  resistance  to  the  travesty  of  government 
and  the  mockery  of  civilization  under  which  we  are 
being  throttled!  The  bayonet  is  now  in  the  hands 
of  a  brutal  negro  militia.  The  tyranny  of  military 
martinets  was  child's  play  to  this.  .  .  .  Eighty 
thousand  armed  negro  troops,  answerable  to  no  au- 
thority save  the  savage  instincts  of  their  officers,  ter- 
rorize the  state.  Every  white  company  has  been  dis- 
banded and  disarmed  by  our  scalawag  governor.  I 
tell  you,  sir,  we  are  walking  on  the  crust  of  a  volca- 
no!  .  .  .  Black  hordes  of  former  slaves,  with  the 
intelligence  of  children  and  the  instincts  of  savages, 
armed  with  modern  rifles,  parade  daily  in  front  of  their 
unarmed  former  masters.  A  white  man  has  no  right 
a  negro  need  respect.  The  children  of  the  breed  of 
men  who  speak  the  tongue  of  Burns  and  Shake- 
speare, Drake  and  Raleigh,  have  been  disarmed  and 
made  subject  to  the  black  spawn  of  an  African  jun- 
gle! Can  human  flesh  endure  it?  When  Goth  and 
Vandal  barbarians  overran  Rome,  the  negro  was  the 
slave  of  the  Roman  empire.  The  savages  of  the  North 
blew  out  the  light  of  ancient  civilization,  but  in  all 


96  TO  PANAMA 

the  dark  ages  which  followed  they  never  dreamed  the 
leprous  infamy  of  raising  a  black  slave  to  rule  over 
his  former  master!  No  people  in  the  history  of  the 
world  have  ever  before  been  so  basely  betrayed,  so 
wantonly  humiliated  and  degraded!' 

"Stoneman  lifted  his  head  in  amazement  at  the 
burst  of  passionate  intensity  with  which  the  South- 
erner poured  out  his  protest. 

"  'For  a  Russian  to  rule  a  Pole/  he  went  on,  'a 
Turk  to  rule  a  Greek,  or  an  Austrian  to  dominate  an 
Italian,  is  hard  enough,  but  for  a  thick-lipped,  flat- 
nosed,  spindle-shanked  negro,  exuding  his  nauseating 
animal  odor,  to  shout  in  derision  over  the  hearths  and 
homes  of  white  men  and  women  is  an  atrocity  too 
monstrous  for  belief.  Our  people  are  yet  dazed  by 
its  horror.  My  God!  when  they  realize  its  meaning, 
whose  arm  will  be  strong  enough  to  hold  them?' 

"  'I  should  think  the  South  was  sufficiently  amused 
with  resistance  to  authority/  interrupted  Stoneman. 

"  'Even  so.  Yet  there  is  a  moral  force  at  the  bot- 
tom of  every  living  race  of  men.  The  sense  of  right, 
the  feeling  of  racial  destiny — these  are  unconquered 
and  unconquerable  forces.  Every  man  in  South  Caro- 
lina to-day  is  glad  that  slavery  is  dead.  The  war  was  not 
too  great  a  price  for  us  to  pay  for  the  lifting  of  its 
curse.  And  now  to  ask  a  Southerner  to  be  the  slave  of 
a  slave '  " 

That  such  a  terrible  description  should  be  taken  seri- 
ously, even  in  frenzied  fiction,  is  an  indication  that 
the  ambitious  negro  is  out  of  place  in  the  United 
States,  where  he  is  as  a  man  without  a  country.  In 


PANAMA  97 

the  North  he  can  not  compete  with  the  whites ;  in  the 
South  he  is  a  dissatisfied  servant.  He  is  too  ambi- 
tious for  his  opportunities  here.  Let  him  go  to  the 
tropics  where  the  whites  can  not  compete  with  him. 

On  our  way  home  from  Panama,  Doctor  Frank, 
who  had  been  seasick  during  the  whole  of  the  voy- 
age down,  said: 

"They  can  say  what  they  please  about  the  tropics, 
I  am  never  going  there  again.  Zur  Hoelle  with  the 
tropics!  They  were  made  for  negroes;  let  the  ne- 
groes have  them.  I  have  said  it." 

I  confess  that  for  the  time  being  I  agreed  with  him. 
The  full-blooded  negro  improves  and  thrives  and 
finds  his  wants  satisfied  in  the  tropics,  and  will  never 
thrive  elsewhere.  When  the  tropical  negro  wants  a 
rest  he  takes  a  siesta,  and  is  rested.  When  he  wants 
food  he  plucks  a  banana,  a  pineapple  or  a  mango,  and 
is  nourished.  When  he  is  thirsty  he  climbs  a  tree, 
cuts  open  a  cocoanut,  drinks  the  juice,  and  is  re- 
freshed. When  he  craves  riches  he  stays  away  from 
work  to  spend  a  week's  earnings,  and  is  rich.  When 
he  wishes  to  rise  in  the  social  scale,  he  marries  above 
him,  and  is  stuck-up.  When  he  needs  an  edu- 
cation he  learns  to  come  in  out  of  the  sun,  and 
is  wise.  He  does  not  hanker  after  social  and  lit- 
erary distinction,  and  is  satisfied.  He  does  not  seek 
office,  and  is  not  disappointed.  He  does  not  ask  for 
tips,  and  they  are  not  thrust  upon  him,  except  by  the 
Yankee-errant.  When  he  comes  to  die  he  gets  sick 
or  is  killed  and  is  restored  to  the  impartial  dust  of  his 
Mother  Earth  and,  having  accumulated  neither  wealth 

7 


98  TO  PANAMA 

nor  cultivated  tastes  that  he  cannot  take  with  him,  re- 
mains forever  after  contented.  His  life  is  a  bit  of 
time,  his  death  a  bite  of  dust.  The  world  has  been 
benefited,  but  not  disturbed  by  him.  He  has  been 
true  to  his  race  and  has  accomplished  his  destiny;  he 
has  peopled  the  tropics. 

Look  at  Doctor  Cameron's  picture  and  then  at  mine. 
Who  would  not  choose  mine  for  the  negro?  If  he 
can  not  solve  his  race  problem  in  the  United  States, 
he  can  go  to  the  tropics,  and  the  tropics  will  solve 
him.  The  Romans  told  each  other  to  see  Naples  and 
die.  The  negroes  have  not  Naples,  but  they  have  the 
equator.  It  is  theirs.  Sooner  or  later  they  will  have 
possession. 

As  to  the  mulatto,  he  is  more  sinned  against  than 
sinning.  He  is  the  product  of  man's  interference 
with  the  divine  will  as  evidenced  in  God's  work.  Ex- 
tremes, whether  of  race  or  rhetoric,  do  not  blend; 
they  antagonize  and  distress.  This  new  race  mixture 
is  neither  white  nor  negro.  God  made  the  negro, 
man  made  the  mulatto.  As  the  blonde  race  thrives 
best  in  the  north  temperate  climate  and  the  negro  in 
the  tropical,  the  mulatto  would  thrive  best  in  the  semi- 
tropical.  In  Cuba  the  lighter  colored  ones  would  find 
an  appropriate  climate  and  congenial  surroundings. 
In  Cuba  there  is  no  color  line  or  race  prejudice.  The 
mulattoes  could  mingle  with  the  whites  until  in  time 
they  would  form  a  part  of  a  dusky  white,  intelligent 
mixed  race.  They  would  be  dissolved  and  their  prob- 
lem solved.  But  they  must  hurry  up  or  the  race  prob- 
lem will  get  there  first. 


PANAMA  99 

The  darker  mulattoes  might  go  to  Hayti  and  make 
use  of  their  intelligence  in  reforming  society  and 
running  the  government,  and  thus  render  a  real  serv- 
ice to  mankind.  It  would  be  a  missionary  service  in 
which  the  missionaries  would  save  themselves  also. 
This  would  be  easier  than  to  win  high  station  and  re- 
spect in  a  white  man's  country.  In  Hayti  they  would 
in  time  become  assimilated  with  the  native  black  race 
and  become  a  part  of  a  lighter  colored,  more  intelli- 
gent race  than  exists  there  to-day.  Nothing  could 
be  more  simple. 

If  our  negro  will  not  do  this  (and  who  said  he 
would?)  he  must  be  diluted  or  spread  out,  for  the 
white  man  must  rule  in  a  white  man's  country.  His 
only  hope  for  toleration  and  assistance  is  by  being  in 
the  minority.  If  white  immigration  will  accomplish 
this  in  the  Southern  states  then  the  negro  will  be 
saved ;  if  not  he  must  save  himself  by  spreading  him- 
self. 


CHAPTER  VII 

At  Gran  Hotel  Central 

El  Gran  Hotel  Central — Its  Plan — Prices — Two  in  a  Room — 
Church  Ruins  as  Boarding-houses — The  Hotel  Furniture 
— Advantage  of  Two  in  a  Room — Primitive  Service — 
The  Plumbing — How  to  Break  up  Luxurious  Habits — 
The  Temperature — A  Walk  in  the  Sun — Baths — Doctor 
Echeverrla's  Appetizer — Effects  of  Liquor — His  Charac- 
ter— The  Hotel  Food — The  Venezuelan  Minister — The 
Custom  of  Treating — Cigaret  Smoking,  a  Solitary  Vice — 
A  Visit  to  the  Home  of  Seiior  Arango — Clothing  an  Injury 
— Panama  Ladies — A  Linguistic  Defeat — Spanish  Amer- 
ican Education — Influence  of  United  States  upon  Central 
American  Customs — Language  of  the  Lower  Classes — 
A  Visit  to  the  Southern  Club — Cola  by  the  Pint — Beer — 
Alcohol  Versus  Syrup — To  Bed  in  the  Dark — The  Light 
Habit  Broken  up — A  Definition  of  Happiness — A  Miracu- 
lous Dawn  and  an  Awakening  Town — The  Sun  Makes 
a  High  Jump — Southern  Activity  and  Northern  Indolence 
— A  Delightful  Sponge  Bath  and  an  Hour  of  Exercise — 
Coffee  and  Rolls — Delayed  Eggs  and  Drastic  Americans — 
A  Revolution  for  an  Egg — Reasons  for  the  Light  Early 
Breakfast— Burnt  Coffee  as  a  Delicacy. 

Gran  Hotel  Central  was  the  only  second-class  hotel 
in  Panama — there  was  no  first-class  one.  It  is  a  four- 
story  stone  house  built  around  a  square  patio,  or 
court,  about  fifty  feet  in  diameter,  and  is  situated  on 
a  corner  of  one  of  the  streets  that  enter  the  Plaza 
Central.  Around  the  patio  on  the  three  upper  floors 

100 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL 


101 


run  verandas  upon  which  all  inside  rooms  open.  The 
two  sides  of  the  house  that  front  on  the  plaza  and 
street  have  an  outer  row  of  front  rooms  on  each  floor 
parallel  with  a  row  of  inner  ones  from  which  they 
are  separated  by  a  corridor.  The  outer  rooms  are 
long  and  narrow  with  the  window  at  one  end,  over- 
looking the  street,  and  the  door  at  the  other  end 
opening  into  the  corridor.  The  inner  rooms  have  no 
windows,  but  have  doors  at  each  end,  single  ones 


DIAGRAM  OF  MY  ROOM  AND  THE  INSIDE  ROOM  ACROSS  THE  CORRIDOR 


opening  into  the  corridor  and  folding  doors  on  the 
veranda  in  the  patio.  Fresh  air  can  enter  through 
the  doors  only.  The  stairway  is  out-of-doors  in  the 
patio,  and  the  landings  on  the  verandas. 

Each  room  contained  two  beds,  and  the  price  was 
four  dollars  a  day  in  gold  for  a  bed  and  six  dollars  if 
one  person  engaged  the  whole  room.  However,  as 
two  guests  were  not  put  in  one  room  until  there  was 
one  in  each,  it  was  safe  to  pay  for  one  bed  only,  ex- 
cept upon  unusual  occasions  when  there  was  a  great 


102  TO  PANAMA 

crowd  of  visitors  in  town.  But  the  best  way  to  travel 
on  the  isthmus  is  to  have  a  traveling  companion  to 
occupy  the  other  bed.  One's  wife  would  do,  only  the 
isthmus  traveling  would  probably  not  do  for  her.  The 
Tivoli,  which  has  since  been  erected  on  Ancon  hill, 
may  do  for  ladies  but  it  is  American  and  therefore 
uninteresting.  Hotel  Central  had  a  sort  of  monopoly 
of  the  business,  since  the  others  were  either  tenth 
class  or  unclassible,  and  there  were  no  good  furnished 
apartments  to  let  in  town.  I  heard  of  one  boarding- 
house,  but  that  was  already  full  of  permanent  board- 
ers. In  looking  for  rooms  I  found  but  one  real  estate 
agent,  an  American,  and  I  could  not  understand  how 
he  made  a  living  without  having  anything  for  rent  or 
sale  except  church  ruins. 

When  I  arrived,  all  second  and  third-story  outside 
rooms  had  at  least  one  occupant,  and  as  I  refused  to 
occupy  one  of  those  inside  windowless  rooms  in  which 
I  would  have  to  sleep  with  the  doors  open,  I  was 
lodged  three  flights  up,  under  the  mansard  roof.  It 
was  up  near  the  sun,  but  commanded  a  good  view  over 
the  trees  of  the  park  and  caught  the  breeze  when  there 
was  one.  It  was  well  that  I  had  already  seen  the  best 
hotel  in  Colon,  or  I  should  have  been  shocked  by  the 
rooms  of  Gran  Hotel  Central,  and  my  visit  to  Panama 
would  have  been  spoiled.  The  furniture  consisted  of 
two  single  iron  bedsteads  with  dirt-stained  mattresses 
of  certain  age;  a  small,  worn-out,  dingy  washstand, 
such  as  are  sold  at  auction  after  having  been  discard- 
ed from  the  servants'  bedrooms  of  Chicago  boarding 
houses ;  a  plain  wooden  bureau  of  the  same  character, 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  103 

and  a  small,  square,  rough  table  which  served  both 
as  a  center  table  and  writing  desk.  There  were  neither 
closets  nor  wardrobes,  nor  hooks  for  the  disposal  of 
clothes.  The  second  bed  might  have  served  as  a  pros- 
trate clothes-press  if  the  mattress  had  looked  less  in- 
fected, or  if  its  stains  had  been  covered  and  concealed. 
The  floor  was  of  plain,  unpolished,  foot-worn  wood. 
In  front  of  each  bed  was  a  network  of  dirt  held  to- 
gether by  a  small  piece  of  antique  ingrain  carpet. 
However,  I  was  finally  settled  and  satisfied,  for  I 
had  the  chamber  boy  nail  to  the  wall  a  board  frame 
holding  five  or  six  small  hooks  to  serve  as  closet  and 
wardrobe.  A  candle  was  also  furnished,  but  no  pro- 
vision made  for  a  light  in  the  corridor.  And  as  there 
was  no  bell  to  call  for  service,  the  only  way  of  procur- 
ing help  if  one  were  taken  sick  in  the  night,  was  to 
grope  along  the  dark  corridor  and  go  down  the  three 
flights  of  starlit  steps  in  the  courtyard  to  the  office. 
Hence  I  began  to  think  that  there  might  be  an  ad- 
vantage in  having  to  share  a  double  room  with  a 
stranger;  for  if  either  one  were  taken  sick  the  other 
could  go  down  to  the  office  and  wake  up  the  hotel 
clerk.  One's  valuables  might  not  be  as  safe  with  a 
stranger  but  one's  life  would  be  safer,  and  who  would 
not  prefer  to  lose  his  valuables  rather  than  his  life? 

In  the  daytime,  there  was  a  quick  way  of  communi- 
cating with  the  office,  which  had  survived  the  centu- 
ries. A  bell  boy,  who  was  also  the  chamber  boy, 
messenger  boy,  etc.,  was  on  each  floor  listening  for 
the  sound  of  a  gong  in  the  court.  When  the  office 
wanted  to  communicate  with  one  of  the  floors,  the 


104  TO  PANAMA 

clerk  stepped  to  the  corner  of  the  court,  or  patio,  and 
sounded  the  gong  once,  twice  or  three  times,  accord- 
ing to  the  floor  he  was  calling,  and  shouted  up  the 
message  or  information  to  the  boy.  In  the  same  way 
the  boy  could  call  the  clerk  and  shout  a  message  down 
to  him.  In  busy  times  the  gong  sounded  frequently, 
and  as  it  was  loud  enough  for  the  combination  bell 
boy,  chamber  boy  and  man-of-all-work  of  each  floor 
to  hear,  wherever  he  might  be,  it  must  have  proved 
a  great  annoyance  to  occupants  of  the  inside  rooms 
who  wished  to  take  a  midday  siesta  or  retire  early. 
But  Napoleon  slept  soundly  on  battlefields,  which,  I 
suppose,  were  more  noisy  than  this  patio. 

The  plumbing  was  all  in  one  corner  of  the  building 
and  fortunately  could  be  reached  only  by  a  walk  along 
the  open  air  veranda  around  the  court.  It  consisted 
of  two  toilet  and  two  bath-rooms  on  each  floor,  one 
of  the  bath-rooms  with  a  tub  and  the  other  with  a 
shower.  The  plumbing  system  was  old  and  imper- 
fect, and  would  have  been  condemned  in  any  real 
American  city. 

I  have  given  all  of  this  detail  out  of  kindness  to 
the  landlord,  that  the  guests  may  know  beforehand 
what  to  expect  and  not  give  him  the  trouble  I  saw  a 
lady  guest  give  him  before  she  accepted  the  inevitable. 

But  I  was  at  my  journey's  end,  had  recovered  from 
the  shock  caused  by  the  accommodations  offered  me 
at  the  Washington  Hotel  at  Colon,  and  had  resolved 
to  enjoy  a  rest.  And  this  resolve  was  the  key  to  the 
situation,  for  after  I  had  ceased  to  expect  anything 
better  I  learned  that  I  could  perform  the  functions  of 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  105 

eating,  drinking,  sleeping,  talking,  exercising,  sight- 
seeing and  faultfinding  with  about  the  same  satisfac- 
tion as  if  in  the  most  luxurious  apartment.  When  one 
has  nothing  to  do  but  lounge,  luxuriate,  find  fault  and 
get  sick,  then  sumptuous  apartments  help  to  make 
life  endurable.  But  as  I  was  busy  much  of  the  time, 
I  easily  dispensed  with  modern  luxuries,  which  are  bad 
habits. 

The  temperature  was  95  degrees  F.  in  the  shade  at 
I  P.  M.  and  any  pickaninny  would  have  known  enough 
to  come  in  out  of  the  sun.  But  I  had  experienced 
that  temperature  in  the  less  humid  and  more  bracing 
atmosphere  of  Chicago,  and  so  I  did  as  people  do  in 
Chicago  during  temporary  hot  spells,  viz.,  went  about 
actively  and  courted  sunstroke  and  general  tissue  dis- 
organization instead  of  taking  a  siesta.  I  took  a  walk 
on  the  Bovedas,  which  is  a  promenade  on  the  sea  wall 
about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  long.  Here  it  is  quite  cool 
in  the  evening  and  early  morning,  but  as  there  are  no 
trees  it  is  scorching  hot  at  midday.  I  also  wandered 
about  among  the  quaint  old  buildings  and  church 
ruins,  and  should  have  enjoyed  it  but  for  the  extreme 
depression  caused  by  the  heat  and  humidity. 

When  I  returned  to  the  hotel  I  asked  for  a  bath 
and  found  that  they  only  had  salt  baths.  As  I  wanted 
a  good  cleaning  instead  of  an  unclean  salting,  I  gave 
it  up  and  resolved  to  hunt  a  bath-house  in  the  city, 
although  so  far  I  had  not  seen  a  house,  excepting 
a  few  private  ones,  that  looked  clean  enough  for  a 
bath. 

I  met  Doctor  Echeverria  before  dinner  time,  and 


io6  TO  PANAMA 

we  agreed  to  eat  together  during  the  week  of  waiting 
for  the  arrival  of  the  medical  congresistas.  Doc- 
tor Echeverria  was  a  Costa  Rican  and  had  been  called 
from  San  Jose  by  the  United  Fruit  Company  to  or- 
ganize and  develop  their  hospital  and  cemetery  at 
Limon,  and  superintend  all  medical  and  mortuary 
matters  pertaining  to  that  port,  which  was  the  prin- 
cipal shipping  place  of  the  company. 

The  doctor,  who  had  not  heard  from  home  since 
the  washout  at  Colon,  although  he  had  sent  a  daily 
cablegram  to  his  wife,  invited  me  to  take  an  appetizer 
and  go  to  the  cable  office  before  having  dinner — and  I 
could  not  well  refuse.  While  we  were  sipping  our 
poison  at  one  of  the  dozen  or  more  tables  of  the  spa- 
cious barroom,  he  told  me  that  after  coming  down  to 
Port  Limon,  whose  lowland  climate  was  tropical, 
from  San  Jose,  whose  highland  climate  was  temperate, 
he  at  first  drank  no  wine  or  liquor.  But  he  soon  found 
it  more  and  more  difficult  to  do  his  work;  and  after 
a  time  became  depressed  and  morbid.  His  friends 
advised  him  to  take  a  drink  of  liquor  a  short  time  be- 
fore the  eleven  o'clock  breakfast  and  another  before 
dinner.  He  did  so  and  his  depression  passed  off,  and 
he  was  again  able  to  work  with  comfort.  I  do  not 
know  what  effect  it  would  have  had  on  me  not  to  take 
an  appetizer  before  each  meal  while  at  Panama,  for 
I  had  no  negative  experience.  Either  he  and  I,  or 
some  one  else  and  I,  were  always  lounging  about  be- 
fore meals,  and  it  was  either  my  turn  or  that  of  the 
other  one  to  treat. 

In  Doctor  Echeverria's  case  I  suspect  that  he  had 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  107 

become  anemic  and  nervous  from  hard  work,  a  com- 
mon occurrence  in  the  tropical  lowlands,  and  the  alco- 
hol had  produced  a  feeling  of  comfort  in  his  mind 
and  diminished  his  nervous  tension,  and  had  thus 
acted  as  medicine.  A  man  who  has  a  great  deal  of 
active  physical  work  to  do  in  the  tropics,  and  gets  up 
early  and  does  a  large  part  of  it  before  eating  anything 
except  a  roll  and  coffee,  is  apt  to  feel  exhausted  if  he 
keeps  on  working  during  the  heat  of  the  forenoon, 
and  to  actually  lose  strength.  The  coffee  and  roll 
breakfast  is  for  those  whose  work  is  not  physically 
very  active  or  prolonged,  or  is  done  later  in  the  day. 
I  am  the  more  inclined  to  think  the  liquor  relieved 
him  by  its  anesthetic  influence  upon  his  nerves  rather 
than  by  any  curative  action,  because  I  have  tried  it 
faithfully  on  several  occasions  for  indigestion,  for 
loss  of  flesh,  for  insomnia  and  for  debility,  and  have 
never  experienced  any  beneficial  results.  In  England 
I  drank  a  bottle  of  Bass'  ale  at  my  six  o'clock  dinner 
and  another  at  bedtime  for  four  months  without  de- 
riving benefit,  either  by  a  recovery  of  the  flesh  I  had 
lost  or  by  rapid  improvement  of  the  debility  of  my 
overtaxed  nervous  system.  I  think  that,  with  the  rest 
I  enjoyed,  I  would  have  recovered  my  usual  health 
more  quickly  if  I  had  not  tasted  the  ale.  In  France 
I  drank  a  pint  bottle  of  claret  at  the  noon  and  evening 
meals  for  several  months,  and  perceived  no  benefit 
either  in  feelings  or  in  appearance.  In  Panama  I 
tried  similar  tactics,  and  when  I  arrived  home  was  in  a 
poorer  condition  in  every  way  than  when  I  left. 
Perhaps  if  I  had  eaten  less,  and  drunk  no  liquor,  I 


io8  TO  PANAMA 

might  have  experienced  benefit  from  my  trip,  but  it 
would  have  meant  social  segregation.  So  I  feel  that 
I  have  now  done  my  duty  by  alcoholic  beverages.  1 
have  made  a  failure,  but  my  conscience  is  clear.  I 
can  not  make  myself  over  again  and  must  give  them 
up,  let  come  what  may. 

As  an  anesthetic,  and  therefore  as  a  medicine  in  cer- 
tain irritable  conditions  of  the  nerves,  I  have  found  it 
of  temporary  benefit,  but  not  curative.  My  experi- 
ence with  sherry  on  the  voyage  back  from  Colon  to 
Panama  was  good,  but  it  did  not  prevent  the  seasick- 
ness from  returning  whenever  the  ship  took  a  lively 
turn.  Hence  I  would  advise  those  who  have  no  defi- 
nite ideas  about  alcohol  to  consider  it  as  a  medicine 
to  be  prescribed  by  a  first-class  doctor ;  or  a  powerful 
poison  to  be  taken  as  a  means  of  dissipation  while 
health  lasts,  but  not  as  a  salutary  stimulant  or  a  tonic. 
Liquors  stimulate  the  stomach  but  also  favor  gastric 
fermentation  and  a  tendency  to  inflammation;  they 
bloat  and  fatten  people  sometimes,  but  do  so  tempo- 
rarily by  interfering  with  the  destruction  and  excre- 
tion of  the  waste  material  of  the  body;  they  make 
people  permanently  rosy,  but  do  so  by  dilating  and 
weakening  the  superficial  blood-vessels,  and  they  be- 
tray the  cause  of  the  rosiness  by  producing  a  charac- 
teristic mottled  marking  of  the  cheeks  and  crimson 
rotundity  of  the  nose,  to  say  nothing  of  whiskey  pim- 
ples. If  taken  in  small  quantities  during  active  exercise 
alcohol  may  be  burned  up  in  the  body  for  immediate 
use,  but  if  taken  at  other  times  it  burns  the  tissues  and 
permanently  injures  them.  Inflammation  of  the  stom- 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL       109 

ach,  hobnail  liver,  Bright's  disease,  heart-degeneration, 
dropsy,  apoplexy  and  premature  death  from  some  acute 
diseases  that  would  not  prove  fatal  in  a  healthy  being, 
are  ordinary  fates  of  those  who  have  tried  to  improve 
on  nature  by  the  use  of  alcohol  as  a  tonic  or  stimulant. 
Impaired  brain  power  and  transmission  of  such  defect 
to  the  offspring,  and  thus  the  breeding  of  degenerates, 
is  perhaps  the  worst  result. 

Doctor  Echeverria  was  about  forty  years  old,  had 
received  his  medical  education  at  New  York,  had 
practiced  several  years  at  San  Jose  and,  after  being 
called  down  to  Port  Limon  by  the  United  Fruit  Com- 
pany, had  been  sent  by  them  to  London  to  study  trop- 
ical diseases.  How  much  his  student  life  in  the  Unit- 
ed States  and  his  sojourn  in  England,  had  affected 
his  character  I  do  not  know,  but  he  had  that  gentle- 
ness of  speech  and  quietness  of  demeanor  which  had 
always  seemed  to  me  to  be  found  only  in  the  Anglo- 
Saxon  countries.  And  he  had  also  that  Spanish 
courtesy  which  we  seldom  see  among  Anglo-Saxons 
in  its  best  form.  Altogether  he  was  one  of  the  most 
perfect  gentlemen  I  had  met,  and  it  was  a  great  treat 
to  sit  tete-a-tete  at  table  with  him  twice  daily.  He 
greatly  admired  our  government,  and  thought  that 
the  faith  it  had  kept  with  Cuba  was  a  sign  of  true 
greatness.  We  are  the  only  nation  whose  government 
lives  up  to  the  requirements  of  a  Christian  nation. 

I  was  agreeably  surprised  at  the  hotel  dinners, 
for  I  had  been  told  that  I  should  not  like  the 
hotel.  I  suspect  that  this  somewhat  prevalent  bad 
impression  had  been  made  by  the  fact  that  when  great 


no  TO  PANAMA 

crowds  visit  Panama,  the  hotel  becomes  crowded  and 
the  service  is  for  the  time  insufficient.  The  provisions 
then  become  scanty,  and  canned  salmon  and  canned 
vegetables  intrude  themselves  disagreeably  and  per- 
haps unpardonably,  although  good  food  canned  is 
better  than  poor  food  that  has  not  been  canned. 

After  dinner  we  met  Senor  McGill,  who  was  the 
political  representative  and  local  "chip-bearer"  of 
Venezuela,  that  intrepid  and  warlike  South  American 
republic  that  is  not  afraid  of  anybody,  and  would 
rather  take  a  thrashing  than  refuse  to  fight ;  and  which 
by  means  of  its  pugnacity  and  pertinacity  has  won  the 
respect  of  the  world.  However,  Senor  McGill  was 
everything  but  what  I  expected  to  see.  He  did  not 
inspire  me  with  terror.  He  was  a  slender,  soft-voiced, 
mild-mannered,  agreeable  young  bachelor  whose  bulg- 
ing hip-pocket  contained  nothing  but  cigarets,  who 
liked  soft  drinks  and  who  seemed  to  be  seeking  any- 
thing rather  than  a  quarrel.  And  I  suspect  that 
President  Castro  is  not  as  black  as  he  has  been  paint- 
ed, and  that  during  the  recent  political  crises  all  he 
desired  of  the  great  powers  was  to  be  let  alone.  From 
his  patronym,  I  should  infer  that  Senor  McGill  was 
a  descendant  of  one  of  those  scions  of  Highland  or 
Hibernian  nobility  who,  in  earlier  days,  either  with 
or  without  letters  of  marque  from  the  English  govern- 
ment, ravaged  the  Spanish  main,  plundered  Spaniards 
by  preference  and  others  without  reference,  and 
finally  settled  down  as  Venezuelan  nabobs.  But  he 
was  not  that  kind  of  a  murderer;  he  was  only  a  lady- 
killer.  It  seemed  strange  to  see  a  McGill  who  could  not 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  in 

speak  English  or  Gaelic  or  Hibernian.  Yet,  he  did 
speak  English — not  that  fluent,  eloquent,  consonant 
crowded  variation  that  we  in  the  United  States  are 
accustomed  to  hear  from  Macs  and  Mc's,  nor  the 
rough-and-ready  dissonance  of  the  naturalized  Kai- 
ser- Wilhelmite ;  but  the  soft  disarticulation  of  the 
Spaniard  who  knows  English  until  he  begins  to  talk 
it,  when  the  difficulties  and  duplicities  of  its  pro- 
nunciation and  his  Iberic  infirmity  in  sounding  con- 
sonants bring  to  naught  all  of  his  knowledge  of  its 
phonology  and  construction. 

After  we  had  conversed  awhile  in  a  sort  of  crazy- 
quilted,  downy  mixture  of  Anglo-Spanish,  he  put  the 
polished  chip  on  his  shoulder  and  invited  us  to  knock 
it  off,  or  take  something.  So  we  took  something.  It 
was  the  tyrannic  custom  of  the  country,  to  be  fighting 
to  kill  your  enemy  or  "taking  something"  to  kill 
yourself.  Taking  something  was  about  the  only  en- 
tertainment (?)  available  in  the  evening  except  ci- 
garet  smoking,  which  was  mostly  a  solitary  vice  in 
Panama,  and  exempt  from  the  sociable  treating  habit ; 
for  every  man  carried  his  own  package  of  favorite 
cigarets  and  was  smoking  them,  or  supposed  to  be 
smoking  them,  all  of  the  time.  Games  of  cards  were 
of  course  popular  at  the  clubs,  but  were  an  expensive 
entertainment  for  people  of  ordinary  financial  re- 
sources who  cared  to  have  money  for  use  in  other 
ways. 

Doctor  Echeverria  had  several  acquaintances  in  the 
city  and  offered  to  introduce  me  to  some  of  them.  Ac- 
cordingly after  an  hour  of  conversation  with  Senor 


112  TO  PANAMA 

McGill,  we  left  him  to  his  cigarets  and  "treating" 
friends,  and  walked  and  mopped  foreheads  for  three 
blocks  down  the  street  to  call  upon  Senor  Arango,  a 
prominent  young  engineer  of  the  place.  The  heat 
had  forced  the  senor,  who,  like  myself,  looked  as  if 
his  fat  had  already  been  melted  and  run  off,  to  re- 
move his  coat,  vest  and  collar.  He,  of  course,  put 
them  on  when  we  arrived  and  was  thus  prepared  to 
liquefy  with  us.  I  sympathized  with  him  for  having 
to  live  in  a  country  where,  all  the  year  around,  collars, 
vests  and  coats  were  physical  encumbrances  yet  so- 
cial necessities.  Clothing  is  supposed  to  protect  and 
comfort  the  body,  not  to  punish  and  injure  it.  The 
negroes  have  an  advantage  over  the  whites  in  this 
respect,  for  they  adapt  their  clothing  to  the  climate 
rather  than  to  convention.  But  we  cannot  all  be 
negroes,  and  there  are  drawbacks  to  being  either  white 
or  black. 

We  were  very  pleasantly  and  cordially  entertained. 
The  ladies  were  animated  and  interesting,  but  unfor- 
tunately they  did  not  converse  in  English.  In  the 
North  my  Spanish  seemed  good  enough,  but  when 
exposed  in  the  warm  climate  of  Panama,  and  served 
to  ladies,  it  became  mushy  and  flavorless.  It  was  cold 
storage  stuff.  The  Panamanians  speak  so  fast  that 
even  Doctor  Echeverria,  a  native  of  Costa  Rica,  often 
found  it  difficult  to  understand  them.  But  when  it 
came  to  catching  the  meaning  of  the  animated,  fast 
talking  ladies,  and  then  framing  animated,  quick  an- 
swers appropriate  to  the  fairness  of  their  sex  and 
commensurate  with  the  chivalric  euphemism  of  the 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL       113 

language,  I  was  glad  to  talk  plain  English  with  Senor 
Arango.  Having  studied  in  the  United  States,  he 
spoke  our  language  fluently  and  with  a  soft,  Southern 
accent  that  was  charming. 

Many  Central  Americans  obtain  a  part  of  their 
education  in  the  States  and  thus  learn  to  speak  En- 
glish, and  the  building  of  the  canal  by  Americans 
will  cause  many  more  of  them  to  study  it.  Indeed,  I 
think  that  in  time  the  Panamanians,  as  well  as  the 
Cubans  and  Porto  Ricans,  will  become  North  Ameri- 
canized in  their  customs  and  habits,  except  in  so  far 
as  they  will  be  prevented  by  the  enervating  climatic 
conditions.  South  American  young  men  more  often 
go  to  France  or  Spain  to  complete  their  academic 
education,  or  take  post  graduate  courses,  and  thus 
not  only  cultivate  the  French  language,  but  are  influ- 
enced largely  by  French  customs  and  ideas.  But  the 
Panamanian  ladies,  who,  of  course,  do  not  travel  ex- 
tensively, will  now  have  a  chance  to  learn  and  prac- 
tice English  at  home,  and  perhaps  lose  thereby  a  por- 
tion of  their  charm.  The  Spanish  spoken  by  the  edu- 
cated class  of  women  is  quite  melodious,  but  that  of 
lower  class,  native  women,  as  we  heard  it  on  the 
streets,  is  anything  but  agreeable  to  listen  to.  They 
articulate  rapidly  and  in  a  high  pitch  of  voice,  re- 
minding one  of  the  cackle  of  a  hen  who  has  just  laid 
an  egg,  but  with  less  accentuation.  The  cackle  goes 
on  until  the  breath  is  all  out,  and  begins  again  with 
the  next  breath. 

When  we  arose  to  go,  Senor  Arango  insisted  on 
walking  and  perspiring  with  us,  keeping  on  his 

8 


H4  TO  PANAMA 

clothes  for  the  purpose,  and  led  us  to  the  Southern 
Club  in  a  three-story  building  near  the  plaza.  As  in 
nearly  all  buildings  in  Panama,  the  street  floor  was 
occupied  by  a  store,  which  left  the  two  upper  ones 
for  the  use  of  the  club.  He  took  us  to  the  second 
floor,  where  we  found  a  bar  and  a  bar-tender,  but 
no  one  else — not  even  a  mouse.  What  a  lively  club, 
I  thought,  with  nobody  but  a  bar-tender  in  it.  No 
mischief  going  on.  I  did  not  know  then,  as  I  learned 
afterward  when  introduced  to  the  club  by  Doctor 
Cook  of  Panama,  that  the  reading  and  card  rooms 
were  on  the  third  floor,  and  that  it  was  lively  up 
there  where  the  seats  and  sitters  were  not  all  empty. 
After  the  heat  of  our  walk  we  were  glad  to  seat 
ourselves  on  the  little  Spanish  balcony  at  one  of  the 
windows  and  take  the  customary  "treatment,"  viz.,  a 
fresco.  Senor  Arango,  who  must  have  been  younger 
than  he  looked,  said  that  'cola  was  very  nice,  so  we 
ordered  it.  It  was  pop  flavored  with  that  name.  Doc- 
for  Echeverria,  who  was  inclined  to  be  fleshy  and  had 
perspired  freely,  enjoyed  it  as  any  hot  and  thirsty 
man  enjoys  cool  drinks,  and  he  ordered  more.  Our 
host  proposed  a  third  round,  but  I  discouraged  it.  It 
is  no  wonder  that  Central  Americans  take  only  an 
orange  and  coffee  for  their  early  breakfast,  when  they 
drink  animated  syrups  in  this  way  of  evenings.  Yet, 
after  all,  there  is  but  little  harm  in  spoiling  a  break- 
fast that  consists  of  nothing  to  eat.  Preliminary  to 
separating  for  the  night  we  sauntered  over  to  the  hotel 
and  had  another  treat.  My  companions  wanted  more 
cola,  but  I  grew  desperate  and  impolite,  and  said  that 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  115 

my  stomach  couldn't  stand  any  more  cola  or  nectar; 
they  were  too  sweet  for  my  temperament,  which  pre- 
ferred something  bitter.  The  two  pints  I  had  already 
consumed  were  working  like  syrup  in  the  sun,  and  I 
preferred  to  die  for  a  sheep  rather  than  a  lamb,  and 
would  take  a  pint  of  Milwaukee  beer  to  hurry  up  and 
complete  the  fermentation  so  that  I  might  perhaps 
get  a  little  convalescent  sleep  toward  morning.  Moral- 
ly speaking,  it  was  wicked  for  me  to  take  any  more 
alcoholic  stimulant  after  having  had  the  usual  liberal 
Panama  allowance  during  the  day,  but  physically  con- 
sidered the  end  justified  the  means.  The  stomach  as 
a  vital  organ  had  as  much  right  to  consideration  as 
the  head,  and  the  head  should  share  the  evils  of  social 
customs  with  the  stomach.  Alcohol  has  always  done 
me  much  less  harm  than  sugar,  and  when  I  unfortu- 
nately have  to  choose  between  two  devils  I  tackle  the 
least.  The  two  gentlemen  gave  no  evidence  of  their 
surprise  at  my  unceremonious  declaration  of  honest 
opinion  about  their  favorite  fresco,  for  they  were 
gentlemen.  I  was  among  gentlemen,  and  could  say 
what  I  pleased  without  danger  of  open  reproof.  One 
can  not  always  do  so  in  Chicago  and  the  Great  West. 

After  they  had  consumed  and  complimented  the 
Milwaukee  beverage  just  as  if  it  had  been  their  fa- 
vorite one,  we  parted,  Sefior  Arango  proposing  a  visit 
to  his  summer  home  on  the  sabanas  (prairies)  on 
the  following  Sunday. 

I  climbed  up  to  my  sublunar  habitation,  and  as  the 
electric  lights  on  the  plaza  cast  nearly  as  much  light 
about  my  bed  as  the  candle  would  have  given,  I  did 


n6  TO  PANAMA 

not  light  up.  I  concluded  that  candlelight  would  be 
of  more  service  to  malarious  mosquitoes  than  to  me. 
In  Chicago  I  should  have  suffered  great  inconven- 
ience at  having  no  light  in  my  bedroom,  but  having 
accepted  the  situation  in  Panama  and  having  broken 
up  the  light  habit,  I  was  quite  as  happy  without  it. 
Happiness  did  not  consist  in  having  private  illumina- 
tion to  enable  me  to  see  myself  go  to  bed,  but  in  be- 
ing able  to  do  without  it.  Unhappiness  consists  mainly 
of  imaginary  wants. 

There  were  no  window-panes  in  the  hotel,  and  when 
the  heavy  shutters  were  opened  up  widely  the  cool 
night  air  came  in  freely  and  the  mosquitoes  remained 
outside  under  the  electric  lights,  enabling  me  to  settle 
myself  to  sleep  with  comparative  peace  and  content- 
ment. My  experience  on  shipboard  had  rendered  my 
sleep  proof  against  noises,  and  had  thoroughly  broken 
in  and  hardened  me  to  mattresses  that  were  made  to 
be  cool  but  not  to  be  comfortable. 

After  what  seemed  to  be  a  short  sleep  I  awoke,  and 
noticed  that  the  room  was  much  darker  than  when  I 
had  retired.  In  a  few  minutes  the  cathedral  clock 
across  the  square  struck  one  and  I  raised  myself  in 
bed  and  looked  toward  it.  But  the  electric  light  that 
had  illumined  the  dial  was  out,  as  were,  in  fact,  all 
of  the  street  lights,  and  I  could  hardly  see  where  the 
clock  was.  I  inferred  that  the  one  stroke  was  for 
one  o'clock  and  lights  out,  and  wondered  that  I  should 
wake  up  so  early.  I  turned  over  to  go  to  sleep  again, 
but  while  turning  over  I  thought  that  the  room  seemed 
a  little  lighter.  I  immediately  turned  back  again  and 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL       117 

saw  that  it  was  really  lighter.  I  raised  upon  my  elbow, 
looked  out  and  saw  quite  plainly  by  the  clock,  which 
could  hardly  be  seen  before  I  had  turned  over  in  bed, 
that  the  time  was  twenty-five  minutes  to  six.  Within 
five  minutes  of  profound  darkness  it  had  become  light 
enough  for  me  to  see  the  time  of  day  by  the  clock. 
By  twenty  minutes  of  six  it  was  daylight,  and  by  a 
quarter  to  six  it  was  almost  as  bright  as  at  noonday. 
For  a  Chicagoan  who  had  never  been  told  or  taught 
of  such  a  dawn,  and  why  it  was  so,  to  have  gone  to 
Panama,  and  then  to  have  waked  up  early  for  the  first 
time  after  leaving  Chicago,  such  a  sudden  daybreak 
would  have  seemed  a  new  miracle  worthy  of  being 
compared  with  the  standing  still  of  the  sun  in  Joshua's 
time — only  this  time  the  sun  had  changed  his  tactics, 
and  had  taken  a  sudden  leap  over  the  horizon. 

A  couple  of  carts  rattled  over  the  cobblestones  at 
six  o'clock,  whereupon  I  got  up,  looked  out  and  saw 
workmen  beginning  work  on  a  new  building  a  short 
distance  from  the  plaza.  Men  appeared  on  the  street 
and  the  town  seemed  astir  almost  in  a  moment.  Clerks 
were  opening  doors  and  window  shutters,  and  one  fel- 
low was  sprinkling  the  street  in  front  of  his  store 
with  a  two-gallon  sprinkling  can  such  as  are  used  for 
flowerbeds.  It  seemed  strange  to  see  full  daylight 
develop  in  fifteen  minutes  and  a  sleeping  city  assume 
full  activity  in  a  half  hour.  In  the  North  we  consider 
Southerners  indolent  because  they  rest  two  hours  in 
the  middle  of  the  day.  But  it  is  a  wonder  that  they 
do  not  accuse  us  of  indolence  because  our  city  workers 
sleep  two  or  three  hours  after  daylight  in  the  summer 


n8  TO  PANAMA 

mornings,  and  go  to  work  at  eight  or  nine  o'clock 
when  it  is  hot,  instead  of  at  six  when  it  is  cool. 

My  room  was  cool  and  pleasant  at  six-thirty,  and 
I  got  out  my  clean  clothes,  consisting  of  gauze  under- 
wear, a  negligee  shirt,  duck  trousers  and  a  skeleton 
coat.  I  felt,  however,  that  I  ought  not  to  contaminate 
them  by  getting  into  them  until  I  had  taken  a  bath. 
I  had  perspired  tubfuls  of  water  since  leaving  New 
Orleans,  ten  days  previously,  but  had  not  had  a  con- 
vincing, conscience-quieting,  fresh-water,  hot  bath; 
only  cold  salt  ones.  Perspiration  and  dust,  rain  and 
disease  had  all  been  at  me  and  about  me.  In  the  streets 
and  in  the  barber  shop  I  had  seen  skin  diseases  and 
hairless  patches  on  heads,  faces  and  necks,  and  felt  sure 
that,  like  tobacco  smoke  (which  is  visible  and  scent- 
able),  some  of  the  dust,  or  germs  from  diseased  in- 
dividuals, must  have  been  wafted  about  me  and  into 
my  hair,  clothes  and  skin  although  I  could  not  see 
them.  There  was  only  one  way  out  of  the  difficulty 
and  that  was  by  means  of  baths,  frequent, 
and  uncompromising,  soapy  and  scrubby.  Plenty  of 
soap  and  water  outside,  and  alcohol  and  pop  inside, 
seemed  to  be  the  only  way  to  live  out  one's  shortened 
life  in  Panama. 

Not  having  a  magic  ring  or  an  oriental  lamp  to  rub, 
I  scratched  my  head  while  I  wished  for  a  bath-tub — 
and  immediately  found  a  small  wash-basin.  I  wished 
for  fresh  water,  and  found  a  large  pitcherful.  I 
wished  for  a  portable  shower  bath,  and  found  my 
hands,  two  of  them.  I  preferred  a  pitcherful  of  cold 
fresh  water  and  a  wash-basin  to  a  bath-tub  full  of 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  119 

cold  brine.  I  also  reflected  that  a  cold  sponge  bath 
with  plenty  of  soap  could  be  made  more  cleansing 
than  a  shower  or  tub  bath  with  cold  water,  because 
the  sponge  bath  could  be  kept  up  indefinitely,  or  until 
one  was  clean;  whereas  the  cold  shower  or  tub  bath 
was  a  chilling  affair,  and  must  necessarily  be  of  brief 
duration  and  not  very  soapy.  In  order  not  to  injure 
the  ceiling  of  the  room  below,  I  spread  newspapers 
on  the  floor  before  the  washstand,  poured  the  wash- 
bowl two  thirds  full  of  water  and  stood  for  a  moment 
shivering  before  it,  for  the  cool  night  air  still  lingered 
in  the  room.  It  was  a  delightful  sensation  to  feel  chilly 
within  eight  degrees  of  the  equator  and  only  a  few 
hours  after  the  all-day  boiling  spell  of  the  day  before. 
I  rapidly  washed  my  face,  neck  and  shoulders,  then 
wet  my  head  and  lathered  it  thoroughly  with  soap. 
In  order  to  get  the  soap  and  dirt  all  out  of  my  hair 
without  irritating  or  infecting  my  eyes,  I  stood  on 
my  head  in  the  washbasin  (as  far  as  my  head  and 
shoulders  were  concerned)  and  soaked  and  washed 
out  the  soap.  I  then  changed  water,  and  stood  my 
head  and  neck  and  shoulders  up  side  down  again  in 
the  basin  to  rinse  them.  After  wiping  them  I  began 
to  feel  warm  and  in  a  mood  for  more  work.  I  soaped 
my  left  chest  and  arm,  then  put  my  left  elbow  in  the 
bath-tub,  leaned  my  body  over  it  and  splashed  and 
soaked  off  the  soap,  using  my  hand  as  a  movable 
shower  bath.  I  then  did  the  same  to  the  other  side. 
Not  being  a  woman,  I  had  neither  washrag  nor  pow- 
der rag  to  wash  and  dry  myself,  but  had  two  heavy 
bath  towels.  The  towel  was  a  great  success  as  a 


120  TO  PANAMA 

washrag  in  holding  water  and  soaking  off  the  soap; 
the  ordinary  little  feminine  washrag  is  a  miserable 
makeshift  and  does  not  deserve  the  favor  it  enjoys. 
After  a  long  period  of  cold  splashing  with  my  washrag 
and  another  of  dry  scrubbing  with  my  powder  rag,  I 
transferred  my  bath-tub  to  the  floor  and  stood  in  it 
right  side  up,  and  was  able  to  complete  the  bath  to 
my  joy  and  satisfaction  with  the  bowl  and  water  that 
had  originally  been  intended  for  face  and  hands  only. 
As  a  schoolboy  I  had  been  an  amateur  contortionist, 
and  was  not  disabled  like  most  of  my  friends  by  the 
fear  of  bursting  a  bloodvessel  or  straining  my  heart. 
But  what  pleased  me  most  of  all  was  that  I  had  had 
an  hour  of  active  exercise,  and  felt  strengthened  and 
refreshed  by  it.  I  had  found  an  antidote  to  the  sun's 
deadly  rays,  a  life-saving  remedy.  After  getting 
my  light  tropical  clothes  on,  I  felt  as  if  I  wanted 
something  more  than  the  cup-of-coffee-and-half-a-roll- 
early-breakfast  of  the  natives,  and  hurried  down  to 
the  dining-room. 

Early  breakfast,  called  "coffee,"  was  served  from  six 
to  eight  o'clock  on  a  long  table  in  a  small  dining- 
room.  Near  each  end  of  the  table  were  a  dish  of 
oranges  and  a  large  platter  upon  which  were  piled 
round  water  rolls,  similar  to  our  round  Vienna  rolls. 
Two  waiters  stood  at  a  sideboard,  each  with  a  long- 
handled  tin  pot  of  coffee  in  one  hand  and  a  correspond- 
ing pot  of  hot,  unskimmed,  fresh  milk  in  the  other, 
ready  to  serve  a  mixture  of  strong  coffee  and  hot 
milk  in  any  proportion  asked  for. 

I  found  three  men  at  the  table,  a  young,  slender, 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  121 

dark-skinned  Panamanian  and  two  elderly,  dignified- 
looking,  gray-haired  and  gray-eyed  Americans  about 
sixty  years  of  age.  The  Panamanian  was  sipping  a 
cup  of  coffee,  smoking  his  cigaret  and  reading  a 
newspaper  that  lay  beside  the  coffee  cup.  By  the  time 
his  cigaret  was  half  smoked  the  coffee  cup  was  emp- 
tied, and  he  left  the  room — one  of  those  fellows  who 
can  eat  anything  but  food,  and  drink  anything  but 
water.  I  was  sure  that  he  had  not  had  an  appetizing 
sponge  bath  that  morning,  or  he  would  not  have 
breakfasted  on  a  few  whiffs  of  smoke.  However,  he 
had  the  advantage  of  me  in  being  able  to  satisfy  his 
appetite  with  other  whiffs  if  he  became  hungry  before 
noon.  Perhaps  he  was  a  club  man  and  had  worked 
his  head  and  stomach  hard  all  night.  While  I  was 
helping  myself  to  an  orange,  the  large,  portly,  digni- 
fied-looking American  at  the  head  of  the  table  sud- 
denly called  out  in  a  loud  American  voice: 

"Where  is  that  head  waiter  ?  Why  doesn't  he  bring 
my  eggs?" 

The  two  waiters  immediately  rushed  out  of  the  room 
and  back,  and  tried  to  say  in  broken  English  that  the 
head  waiter  was  not  there.  Since  nothing  but  coffee, 
rolls  and  oranges  belonged  to  the  first  breakfast,  it 
was  necessary  to  order  the  eggs  and  pay  extra  for 
them,  and  if  one  came  down  pretty  early  (as  heavy- 
eating,  light  sleepers  usually  do),  there  was  apt  to 
be  some  delay  in  getting  them.  Hot  fires  and  head 
waiters  were  not  usually  going  at  so  early  an  hour. 

The  old  man  glared  at  the  waiters  fiercely  and  they 
stared  at  him  stupidly,  not  daring  to  drop  their  eyes. 
After  a  few  moments  he  again  broke  out : 


122  TO  PANAMA 

"Hasn't  that  head  waiter  been  found  yet?  Where 
is  the  second  head  waiter — or  the  third  head  waiter? 
Telegraph  to  Spain  for  a  live  one.  This  is  great  serv- 
ice for  eight  dollars  a  day.  Not  even  anything  to 
eat  when  you  pay  extra  for  it.  If  you  want  an  egg 
you've  got  to  fight  for  it — nothing  short  of  a  revolu- 
tion will  make  a  hen  lay,  or  an  egg  cook  in  this  coun- 
try." 

Just  then  a  waiter,  rendered  nervous  by  the,  to  him, 
unintelligible  thunder,  allowed  a  roll  to  drop  on  the 
floor  as  he  was  passing  them  around,  and  the  other 
waiter  quickly  picked  it  up  and  put  it  back  among  the 
rolls  on  the  table.  The  second  old  man  who  was  also 
waiting  for  eggs,  exchanged  glances  with  me,  and  I 
expected  him  also  to  speak  his  mind  about  the  eggs 
and  rolls  and  waiters ;  but  he  did  not,  for  he  undoubt- 
edly felt  that  the  efforts  of  the  first  speaker  would 
bring  his  eggs  also,  and  that  all  of  the  rolls  had  been 
in  dirty  hands  and  baskets,  and  on  dusty  tables  and 
floors  long  ago.  By  way  of  relieving  the  tension  I  said 
to  the  one  who  had  been  complaining: 

"These  waiters  are  native  Panamanians  and  do  not 
understand  United  States,  and  how  to  wait  on  Ameri- 
cans." 

"They  are  Panamaniacs,"  he  growled,  "and  don't 
know  how  to  do  anything  but  wait.  They'd  wait  until 
a  man  starved.  If  these  Panamaniacs  would  stir 
around  and  do  more  working  and  less  waiting  they 
would  have  an  appetite  themselves  for  breakfast,  and 
learn  the  use  of  food." 

"I'll  speak  to  them  in  Spanish.     Perhaps  it  will 


AT  GRAN  HOTEL  CENTRAL  123 

start  them , up,"  I  said.  So  I  called  to  one  of  them 
in  a  loud  voice : 

"Camerero!  Busqueme  un  toreador."  (Waiter! 
Bring  me  a  bull-fighter.) 

"Toreador?"  (Bull-fighter)  he  exclaimed  with  a 
look  of  amazement. 

"Si,  toreador,"  I  said.  "For  que  no?  Es  para 
tener  este  naranja."  (Yes;  bull-fighter.  Why  not? 
He  is  to  hold  this  orange.) 

"Pardone,  Senor,  creo  que  Vd.  quiere  un  tenedor" 
(I  beg  pardon,  sir,  I  think  you  want  a  fork.) 

"Como  yd.  quiere"  (As  you  like),  I  answered,  as 
if  I  had  made  no  mistake.  "Es  to  mismo.  Quiero 
ensenar  a  estos  Norte  Americanos  como  se  come  una 
naranja.  Ellos  no  saben  nada,  absolutamente  nada. 
No  saben  ni  comer  ni  hablar."  (It's  the  same  thing. 
I  wish  to  teach  these  North  Americans  how  to  eat  an 
orange.  They  know  nothing,  absolutely  nothing. 
They  neither  know  how  to  eat  nor  talk.) 

The  waiter  seemed  much  relieved  by  this  informa- 
tion and  said  in  Spanish  that  waiters  had  to  be  smart 
men,  but  travelers  who  paid  for  the  privilege,  had  the 
right  to  be  fools;  and  went  out  smiling  with  polite 
rage.  A  moment  later  the  eggs  were  brought  in  and 
the  two  old  gentlemen  were  soon  busy  and  better  na- 
tured.  The  milder  one  who  had  allowed  the  other  to 
do  the  talking  said  to  me: 

"I  see  that  your  Spanish  did  some  good/* 

"Yes,"  chimed  in  the  fiery  one,  "when  you  talk  to  a 
horse  you  must  talk  horse." 

As  the  result  of  my  long  sponge  bath,  I  felt  that  I 


124  TO  PANAMA 

myself  could  enjoy  three  or  four  boiled  eggs,  but  I 
remembered  the  old  adage:  "When  in  Rome  do  as 
the  Romans  do."  As  we  were  to  have  a  hearty  meal 
at  eleven  o'clock,  eggs  eaten  now  would  spoil  that 
meal,  or  if  they  did  not,  then  the  hearty  meal  eaten  so 
soon  after  eggs  would  spoil  them.  In  fact,  the  fat  old 
gentleman  was  just  recovering  from  an  attack  of  rheu- 
matism, probably  brought  on  by  eating  and  sitting 
too  much.  Accordingly  I  drank  two  cups  of  half  cof- 
fee and  half  milk  and  ate  two  oranges  and  two  rolls, 
and  left  the  table  feeling  quite  comfortable  inwardly. 
The  Central  American  takes  his  cafe-au-lait  with 
merely  enough  nourishment  to  prevent  a  feeling  of 
emptiness  or  weakness  during  the  forenoon,  but  not 
enough  to  prevent  an  appetite  for  a  hearty  meal  at 
eleven  o'clock,  which  is  usually  only  three  or  four 
hours  later. 

The  Central  American  coffee  is  not  only  made  quite 
strong,  but  it  has  a  bitter,  resinous  taste  which  is  de- 
veloped by  roasting  it  until  burnt,  and  then  by  boiling 
it.  At  first  I  did  not  relish  it,  but  after  learning  to 
dilute  it  with  an  equal  quantity  of  the  hot,  unskimmed 
milk,  I  became  very  fond  of  it.  Its  heavy  flavor 
seemed  to  give  it  something  of  the  taste  of  food  as 
well  as  being  a  drink. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

For  Doctors  Only 

Barber  Shops  and  Disease — Chance  for  a  Trust  and  a  Public 
Benefaction — Tropical  Hotel  Clerk  from  Canada — A 
Visit  to  the  Hospital  at  Ancon — Beautiful  Location — 
Housekeeping  under  Difficulties — Genial  and  Gentle- 
manly Doctors — The  Buildings  Left  by  the  French — 
Details — Prevalence  of  Malaria — Drinking  Water — Why 
the  People  of  Panama  Ought  to  be  Dead — The  Spoiled 
Child— Why  the  Eleven  O'clock  Breakfast  is  Enjoyable 
at  Anc6n — A  Specimen  Hotel  Breakfast. 

Doctor  Echeverria  did  not  appear  for  a  half  hour 
after  I  had  finished  my  coffee  and  rolls.  While  wait- 
ing for  him  I  had  my  hair  trimmed,  and  experienced 
the  pleasure  of  sitting  in  the  chair  next  to  a  dirty- 
looking  man  with  a  skin  disease  which  had  caused  his 
hair  to  fall  out  in  patches,  and  which  caused  mine  to 
stand  up  all  over,  as  the  barber's  assistant  began  using 
comb  and  shears  on  him  and  making  the  hair  and 
dust  fly  in  my  direction.  If  this  man  had  come  an 
hour  earlier  he  might,  without  my  knowledge,  have 
been  shorn  on  the  same  chair  that  I  occupied,  and  with 
the  same  comb,  scissors  and  unwashed  hands  that 
were  used  on  my  head.  I  felt  like  resolving  never 
to  go  into  a  barber  shop  again,  but  knew  that  I  could 
not  live  up  to  the  resolution.  I  would  have  to  step  up 
and  take  my  share  of  dirt  and  microbes  and  have 

"5 


126  TO  PANAMA 

them  rubbed  in  at  least  once  a  month  or  two,  for  I 
could  not  trim  my  own  hair.  I  could  not  help  repeat- 
ing that  good  old  saying,  "God  made  Barbarians  and 
seeing  that  they  were  no  good,  called  them  Barbers." 

The  proprietor  of  the  shop  was  a  gentle  old  Ger- 
man, too  good  natured  and  old  to  learn  the  technic  or 
meaning  of  cleanliness.  He  had  cut  hair  and  beards 
in  Germany,  the  United  States  and  Cuba,  and  knew 
all  about  his  business  except  cleanliness.  Cleanliness 
in  barbers  is  like  biblical  honesty  in  business.  While 
having  my  hair  trimmed  and  my  scalp  infected  by  the 
old  fellow,  I  asked  him  if  he  did  a  better  business  in 
Panama  than  he  had  done  in  the  United  States.  He 
said: 

"Ogh,  yes.  In  the  Unidet  States  I  did  a  goot  pis- 
ness,  yet  not  such  a  pig  pisness  ass  here.  Dere  I  wass 
only  a  boor  barbeer,  but  here  I  make  much  money  and 
am  a  pig  man." — He  was. 

The  want  of  cleanliness  of  the  barbers,  and  the 
custom  of  using  public  combs  and  brushes  at  hotels, 
clubs  and  entertainments  accounts  for  nine  tenths  of 
the  baldness  in  the  world.  Barbers'  brushes  bear  the 
germs  of  baldness  and  badness  from  scalp  to  scalp, 
and  their  infected  fingers  rub  it  in.  One  should  always 
go  home  and  wash  his  head  with  soap  and  water,  or 
with  alcohol,  as  soon  as  possible  after  a  barber  has 
had  his  comb  and  black-bristled  brush  on  it.  One 
should  also  furnish  his  own  comb  and  brush,  razor 
and  mug,  and  insist  that  the  barber  wash  his  hands 
thoroughly  before  touching  them.  Under  no  circum- 
stances should  he  be  allowed  to  give  the  head  a  "dry 
rub." 


FOR  DOCTORS  ONLY  127 

There  is  a  chance  to  make  millions  of  dollars  and 
benefit  millions  of  people  in  the  barber  business.  A 
trust  that  would  teach  its  employees  an  appropriate 
antiseptic  technic;  would  provide  combs,  brushes  and 
all  kinds  of  barbers'  instruments  adapted  to  steriliza- 
tion by  strong  antiseptics  or  by  heat  each  time  they 
were  used;  and  would  provide  aseptic  shaving,  hair 
cutting,  epillation,  electric  vibration,  facial  massage, 
baths  and  hairdressing,  as  well  as  clean  furniture, 
floors,  hands  and  men,  would  drive  the  old  dirt-men 
out  of  the  business  in  a  short  time.  It  would  at  least 
force  them  to  wash  their  hands  between  customers. 
Such  a  trust  would,  of  course,  raise,  or  try  to  raise, 
prices,  and  thus  "scalp"  the  community,  and  be  cen- 
sured for  it.  But  it  is  better  to  be  scalped  than  bald- 
headed,  to  be  expensively  clean  than  economically 
dirty.  It  would  constitute  a  great  reform,  which 
should  be  an  aim  of  all  trusts. 

How  a  cleanly  man  can  go  and  await  his  turn  in  a 
barber  shop  to  be  shaved  two  or  three  times  weekly  by 
dirty  hands,  and  be  combed  by  dirty  combs  and 
brushes,  and  have  his  head  dry-rubbed  by  hands  that 
have  been  dry-rubbing  other  heads  without  being 
washed,  when  he  can  do  the  same  himself  at  home 
with  clean  hands  and  implements  and  without  waste 
of  time,  is  almost  incomprehensible.  To  gaze  into  a 
barber  shop  is  bad  enough.  Flashy  mirrors  and  mas- 
sive furniture  cannot  compensate  for  dirty  methods. 
Barbers  dare  not  use  brushes  with  white  bristles,  for 
they  would  look  frightful  before  night.  They  would 
have  to  be  washed. 


lag  TO  PANAMA 

The  hotel  clerk  was  a  polyglot  French  Canadian 
who,  like  the  barber,  the  barber's  assistant  and  a  large 
proportion  of  the  other  trained  employees  about  town, 
had  traveled  considerably  before  coming  to  Panama, 
and  would  probably  travel  again  in  search  of  more 
congenial  climes  and  more  remunerative  work  as  soon 
as  rivals  should  come  and  conditions  improve.  He 
spoke  French  well  and  Spanish  and  English  indiffer- 
ently, and  was  willing  to  talk  to  any  one  until  some  one 
else  claimed  his  attention.  He  fitted  in  his  place  very 
nicely,  for  he  possessed  that  complicated  lack  of  sys- 
tem that  forms  an  essential  part  of  tropical  hotel  man- 
agement. He  was  unfailingly  obliging  and  affably  ir- 
ritable, as  forgetful  and  unreliable  men  are  apt  to  be. 
In  giving  him  orders,  it  was  always  well  to  wait  and 
see  them  carried  out.  If  one  wanted  anything  sent  to 
one's  room,  or  brought  down,  it  was  well  to  wait 
until  the  gong  sounded,  the  boy  called  down,  the  clerk 
called  up,  and  the  message  was  correctly  delivered  and 
intelligently  understood;  otherwise  it  was  liable  to  be 
given  wrong,  be  misunderstood  or  be  forgotten.  When 
time  hung  heavily  on  one's  hands  this  supervision  of 
the  clerk  and  bell  boy  served  to  help  the  hot  half  hours 
move  on. 

Doctor  Echeverria  appeared  at  last,  full  of  half  a 
roll  and  an  orange  and  ready  for  the  morning's  work. 
He  had  sent  his  daily  cablegram  to  his  wife  before  tak- 
ing coffee,  but  had  not  yet  heard  from  her.  As  he 
was  the  official  head  of  medical  affairs  at  Limon,  he 
wished  to  be  prompt  in  paying  his  respects  to  the 
chief  sanitary  officer  of  the  Canal  Zone,  Dr.  Wm.  G. 


FOR  DOCTORS  ONLY  129 

Gorgas,  and  the  chief  of  the  Marine  Hospital  service, 
Dr.  H.  R.  M.  Carter,  and  the  chief  of  the  Quarantine 
department,  Maj.  L.  A.  La  Garde.  He  could  not  rest 
until  he  had  done  his  duty  as  a  public  health  officer, 
a  brother  physician  and  a  courteous  gentleman.  He 
did  not  realize  that  the  social  and  ceremonial  con- 
science of  the  Anglo-American  race  was  not  as  sen- 
sitive as  that  of  the  Latin-American.  While  these 
chiefs  would  have  been  glad  to  see  him,  they  were 
bound  up  in  their  work  and  would  not  have  taken  no- 
tice of  a  little  delay  on  his  part.  So  we  drove  to  Ancon 
Hill,  which  was  a  short  distance  beyond  the  railroad 
station,  and  arrived  there  about  nine  o'clock.  Leaving 
the  cab  we  slowly  walked  up  the  beautiful  avenue  that 
led  along  the  hillside  through  the  grounds. 

The  location  of  the  hospital  on  the  slope  of  Ancon 
Hill  was  certainly  well  chosen,  for  the  ground  was 
high  and  the  view  unobstructed.  The  driveway  was 
shaded  by  "palm  trees  and  bordered  with  well-kept, 
sloping  lawns  upon  which  neat-looking  frame  houses 
were  scattered.  It  seemed  to  me  almost  preferable 
to  be  sick  up  there  than  well  in  the  dingy,  dusty,  sun- 
baked city  below.  The  medical  officers  certainly  had 
the  choice  place  of  residence  on  the  isthmus,  for  here 
were  fresh  breezes,  clean,  well-drained  grounds,  quiet 
surroundings  and  a  charming  outlook  upon  semi- 
mountainous,  tropical  scenery.  The  Tivoli  has  since 
been  built  here  and  its  construction  must  certainly 
have  given  the  "black  eye"  to  Gran  Hotel  Central. 
But  to  those  who  wish  to  know  what  Panama  really 
is  Gran  Central  is  the  place.  Those  who  go  to  Tivoli 

9 


130  TO  PANAMA 

read  guide  books  and  forget;  those  who  go  to  Gran 
Central  need  no  guide  books,  and  never  forget. 

We  did  not  find  any  of  the  chiefs  at  their  homes  on 
the  hillside;  they  were  down  town  at  their  offices  in 
the  government  building  in  Plaza  Central,  from  which 
we  had  started.  We  had  gone  from  them  instead  of 
to  them.  These  men  get  up  at  daybreak,  take  a  cup  of 
coffee,  and  presumably  half  a  roll,  and  go  down  to 
their  offices  and  transact  a  good  day's  office  work  by 
eleven  o'clock.  Then  they  drive  back  home,  eat  a 
hearty  breakfast  and  remain  in  their  garden  of  para- 
dise with  their  families  until  the  midday  heat  begins 
to  be  tempered  by  the  regular  afternoon  breeze,  when 
they  go  to  work  again. 

But  we  had  a  pleasant  chat  with  Mrs.  LaGarde,  the 
wife  of  Doctor  LaGarde.  She  gave  us  all  sorts  of 
information  from  a  woman's  standpoint,  and  proved 
to  us  that  although  the  exteriors  were  beautiful  and 
perhaps  enjoyable  at  Ancon,  and  the  hospital  a  charm- 
ing place  to  get  sick  and  get  well  in,  the  comforts  of 
housekeeping  and  living  constituted,  according  to 
United  States  habits  and  standards,  a  sort  of  seamy 
side  of  life  for  these  hard-working  semi-exiles.  The 
houses  had  not  the  places  to  put  things  in,  nor  the 
conveniences  for  cooking  and  other  details  of  house- 
keeping that  are  considered  essential  in  the  North. 
Closet  room  is  a  Yankee  luxury.  Clothes  would  not 
dry  except  in  the  sun  and  wind,  and  if  put  away  would 
get  wet  again.  Insects  were  annoying  and  screens 
had  not  yet  been  provided.  Alterations  about  the 
house  had  to  be  made,  and  makeshifts  adopted.  There 


FOR  DOCTORS  ONLY  I3i 

was  neither  running  water  nor  drainage.  But  Mrs. 
LaGarde  was  cheerful  and  even  breezy  in  her  talk, 
just  as  if  she  not  only  enjoyed  giving  the  information 
but  also  overcoming  the  difficulties.  With  the  assist- 
ance of  the  United  States  she  has,  I  believe,  overcome 
some  of  them  since. 

Doctor  Carter's  son  hunted  up  the  young  resident 
doctors.  They  were  engaged  peeping  into  micro- 
scopes, but  they  cheerfully  gave  up  the  private  matinee 
they  were  having  over  their  germs  and,  after  having 
given  us  a  peep  at  malarial  high  life,  showed  us 
through  the  hospital  buildings.  We  found  Mr.  Car- 
ter and  the  young  doctors  exceedingly  painstaking 
and  courteous,  and  we  afterward  also  found  Doctor 
Gorgas,  Doctor  Carter  and  Doctor  LaGarde  even 
more  so.  A  more  genial  and  gentlemanly  set  of  men 
in  a  quiet  American  way  I  have  scarcely  met.  They 
seemed  to  have  become  imbued  with  the  spirit  of 
Spanish  courtesy  without  having  lost  their  American 
frankness  and  sincerity,  and  bore  their  great  and  un- 
usual responsibilities  with  cheerfulness  and  modesty. 

There  were  about  twenty  hospital  wards,  in  sepa- 
rated one-story  frame  buildings,  arranged  in  three 
curved  tiers  on  the  beautifully  terraced  slope  of  the 
hill.  In  fact,  the  ornamental  grounds  were  so  large 
and  elaborate  that  the  expense  of  keeping  them  up 
was  quite  an  item.  But  the  French  had  plenty  of 
money,  while  they  had  it,  and  spent  it  artistically  and 
generously,  while  they  spent  it.  And  there  is  no  doubt 
but  they  built  well,  since  the  majority  of  the  houses 
were  found  in  a  good  state  of  preservation,  and  have 
been  repaired  at  small  expense. 


132  TO  PANAMA 

Ancon  Hospital  had  at  the  time  less  than  a  hundred 
patients,  two  thirds  of  whom  were  negroes,  and  over 
half  of  whom  were  employees  of  the  canal  commis- 
sion. To  be  laid  up  in  those  clean,  well-kept  wards 
and  be  waited  upon  by  those  tidy,  cheerful  nurses 
must  have  been  a  great  luxury  to  the  poor  black  dev- 
ils. To  die  there  would  be  enjoying  themselves  to 
death,  no  matter  where  they  finally  went  to. 

Superficial  swamps  all  along  the  Zone  were  being 
drained  or  filled,  in  hopes  of  exterminating  the  ma- 
laria breeding  mosquitoes.  About  the  Ancon  hos- 
pital, malaria  had  already  practically  disappeared.  The 
extent  of  malaria  in  the  Canal  Zone  had  been  demon- 
strated by  blood  analyses.  At  Bohio  the  blood  of  for- 
ty-four school  children  had  been  examined  and  the 
malarial  organism  found  in  twenty-nine  cases.  After 
they  had  taken  twelve  grains  of  quinine  daily  for  ten 
days  the  organism  was  only  found  in  five.  It  was  also 
found  that  seventy  per  cent,  of  the  12,000  inhabitants 
of  twelve  villages  along  the  Zone  had  the  malarial 
organism  in  the  blood.  This  is  largely  the  cause  of 
the  prevalent  anemia. 

Colonel  Gorgas  had  been  appointed  health  •officer 
of  the  city  of  Panama  and  of  Colon  by  the  Panama 
government,  and  health  departments  were  being  or- 
ganized in  both  cities.  A  systematic  cleaning  of  dirty 
places  (a  Herculean  task)  and  a  rigid  enforcement 
of  modern  sanitary  laws  and  regulations  had  already 
been  begun.  The  Zone  commission  was  at  work  con- 
structing the  new  reservoir,  about  twelve  miles  from 
the  canal,  out  of  which  Panama  and  the  whole  Zone 


FOR  DOCTORS  ONLY  133 

have  since  been  supplied  with  healthy  water.  The 
people  of  Panama  were  using  rain-water  collected  in 
cisterns  for  drinking  and  washing.  In  the  rainy  sea- 
son the  streets  flowed  with  it  and  the  cisterns  over- 
flowed; but  in  the  dry  season  many  of  the 
reservoirs  were  empty,  and  there  was  practi- 
cally a  water  famine  up  to  the  time  of  my 
visit.  Those  who  could  afford  it,  drank  imported 
waters,  such  as  White  Rock,  Apollinaris,  Vichy,  etc. 
Why  the  people  of  Panama  are  not  all  dead  long 
ago  is  past  finding  out.  The  animal  kingdom  from 
the  mosquito  up  has  preyed  upon  them,  and  the  ele- 
ments have  conspired  against  them,  drenching 
them  for  six  months  of  the  year  and  burning  them  and 
devitalizing  them  during  the  other  six.  They  have 
also  conspired  against  themselves,  having  had  a  civil 
war  on  an  average  of  almost  once  a  year.  The  coun- 
try has  been  ravaged  by  adventurers  and  pirates  in 
past  centuries  and  beggared  by  Colombia  in  the  pres- 
ent one.  They  have  scarcely  any  developed  resources. 
But  now  they  have  run  under  the  wing  of  the  United 
States,  who  will  kill  the  mosquitoes  for  them,  provide 
hospitals  to  take  them  in  out  of  the  sun  and  rain, 
make  fresh  ice-water  to  keep  them  cool,  arbitrate  for 
them  to  keep  their  peace,  build  a  canal  for  them  to 
increase  their  business,  and  will  keep  out  the  foreign 
foe  when  they  are  threatened.  If  such  a  sudden 
change  from  prostration  to  prosperity  does  not  spoil 
the  child  then  it  deserves  all  it  gets,  and  is  fit  to  sur- 
vive. The  French  spoiled  the  Panamanians  some- 
what, and  made  them  dependent  and  parasitic,  but  it 


134  TO  PANAMA 

is  to  be  hoped  that  our  influence  will  be  to  encourage 
the  development  and  financial  independence  of  the 
country. 

We  were  cordially  invited  to  remain  at  Ancon  and 
breakfast  with  the  officers  and  their  families  at  eleven 
o'clock.  The  breakfast  seemed  to  be  looked  forward 
to  with  great  pleasure  and  was  made  quite  a  social 
event  by  them.  And  I  do  not  wonder  that  they  en- 
joyed it  after  doing  a  good  day's  work  while  fasting. 
Their  aim  was  never  to  put  off  until  after  breakfast 
what  could  be  done  before.  They  must  have  been  rav- 
enous by  eleven  o'clock.  But  as  our  blood  was  heated 
and  our  collars  wilting,  we  thought  it  better  to  get  back 
to  the  hotel  before  the  day  became  hotter. 

After  our  customary  appetizer,  to  keep  away  Doc- 
tor Echeverria's  melancholy  and  fulfill  my  vow  to 
do  as  the  Panamanians  did,  we  went  to  our  rooms  and 
refreshed  ourselves  with  cold  water  and  fresh  linen 
(both  externally),  and  were  prepared  to  appreciate 
a  substantial  breakfast.  They  brought  us  first  a  large 
dish  of  tiny  clams  (coquillos)  cooked  in  their  shells. 
These  varied  from  the  size  of  a  small  split  pea  to 
that  of  a  lima  bean,  and  were  as  finely  flavored  and 
delicious  as  their  delicate  physique  indicated.  We  then 
had  some  very  hot  shirred  eggs  and  made  them  hotter 
with  a  little  Worcestershire  sauce,  which  gave  them 
a  fine,  tropical  flavor.  Then  came  Italian  spaghetti 
daintily  served,  a  medium-tough  nicely  cooked  beef- 
steak, some  juicy  pineapple,  too  sweet  to  bear  any 
sugar,  and  a  small  cup  of  deliciously  bitter  coffee 
which  I  subdued  by  the  addition  of  a  little  evaporated 
cream. 


FOR  DOCTORS  ONLY  135 

I  was  glad  that  I  had  not  spoiled  my  breakfast  by 
eating  eggs  at  eight  o'clock,  for  I  was  very  hungry 
when  we  sat  down  to  it,  and  enjoyed  it  so  much  that 
I  think  it  really  must  have  been  good. 


CHAPTER  IX 

A  Siesta  and  Such 

Preparations  for  a  Panama  Siesta — Barricading  the  Door 
— Interruption — Waiting  for  the  End — Obliged  to  Get 
up — Opening  the  Box  of  Water — A  Fatal  Tip — An  Imi- 
tation College  Yell — Its  Effectiveness — Horseback  Riding 
— The  High-toned  Boarding  Stable — Effect  of  Work  upon 
Men  and  Animals  in  the  Tropics — The  Tramp  and  the 
Rich  Man — Shopping — Tickets  for  the  Bull-fight — Cigaret 
Smoking  and  the  Habit— The  Dusky  Maiden— No  Fool 
like  an  Old  Fool — Biased  Opinions — The  War-cry — Town 
Gossip — A  prescription  for  a  Bottle  of  Beer — After- 
dinner  Amusements — Ubi  Tres  Medici — Temperance  of 
the  Doctors — Mosquitoes  and  Poetry — The  Night  Watch- 
man. 

It  was  about  noon  when  we  finished  our  Spanish 
breakfast,  and  we  agreed  to  take  a  siesta  and  meet 
again  at  half-past  three.  First,  however,  we  stepped 
into  a  provision  store  in  the  next  building  and  bought 
a  case  of  fifty  bottles  of  mineral  water  for  use  in  our 
rooms.  My  American  ancestors  had  drunk  water 
for  so  many  years  that  I  had  inherited  the  habit,  and 
could  not  give  it  up,  as  many  foreigners  do,  and  we 
did  not  wish  to  be  obliged  to  go  to  the  bar  every  time 
we  wanted  a  drink  of  water,  for  the  bar-tender  in- 
variably put  something  in  it. 

I  then  went  to  my  room  to  try  the  siesta  and  learn 
136 


A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH  137 

just  what  it  was  like.  By  the  time  I  had  climbed  to 
the  top  of  the  house  I  was  in  a  profuse  perspiration 
so  that  clothes  became  insufferable  and  a  draft  of  air 
indispensable.  Hence,  after  opening  the  door  about 
six  inches  and  putting  my  trunk  against  it,  I  pulled 
the  bed  in  front  of  the  window  to  enable  it  to  catch 
the  drafts  and  breezes,  and  hung  the  upper  bed  cover 
over  the  foot  to  shield  me  from  the  sight  of  any  one 
who  might  peep  around  the  edge  of  the  barricaded 
door.  After  having  tucked  the  edges  of  the  life-sav- 
ing mosquito  bar  carefully  under  the  mattress  all 
around,  I  lay  down  with  some  of  my  clothes  on.  But 
the  drafts  and  breezes  were  imperceptible  and  per- 
spiration was  active,  and  I  soon  had  to  work  one  of 
the  edges  of  the  mosquito  bar  loose,  crawl  out  of 
bed  and  divest  myself  of  more  clothes.  By  keeping 
perfectly  quiet  I  now  perspired  freely  only  where  I 
was  in  contact  with  the  mattress,  which  would  have 
been  considered  a  hard  and  cool  one  for  any  place  but 
Panama,  where  it  was  a  hard  one  only. 

I  began  reading  a  Spanish  novel  to  make  me  sleepy, 
as  I  had  frequently  done  before.  I  read  until  my  eyes 
and  arms  grew  tired,  when  the  book  dropped  and  I 
began  to  doze  off.  Just  then  I  was  aroused  with  a 
start  by  a  sudden  loud  knocking,  and  upon  raising  up 
and  looking  over  the  foot  of  the  bed  saw  the  swarthy 
mestizo  bell  boy's  curly  head  projecting  into  the  room. 
He  was  smiling  like  a  satyr  as  he  triumphantly  an- 
nounced that  the  mineral  water  had  come.  I  did  not 
return  the  smile,  but  again  dug  my  way  out  under  the 
edges  of  the  mosquito  bar,  slipped  on  an  extra  gar- 


138  TO  PANAMA 

ment,  pulled  away  the  trunk  and  admitted  him.  After 
depositing  the  box  he  lingered  as  if  he  expected  to 
open  it  for  me;  but  by  using  considerable  patience 
and  many  forcible  expressions  I  finally  got  him  out, 
undressed  again,  crawled  under  the  edge  of  the  bar, 
tucked  it  in  laboriously  and  lay  down  to  dry,  and  fin- 
ish my  siesta  in  peace.  But  neither  sleep  nor  soothing 
thoughts  nor  alleviating  breezes  would  come.  So  I 
tried  to  read  myself  to  sleep  again,  but  the  book  would 
not  functionate.  I  wanted  to  get  up  and  stand  behind 
the  door  ready  to  hit  the  bell  boy's  head  with  a  chair 
the  next  time  he  peeked  in ;  but  that  would  have  made 
me  drip.  Besides  it  would  have  done  him  no  good, 
for  he  would  never  have  known  what  struck  him.  So 
I  lay  still.  .  .  . 

After  a  long  time  the  cathedral  clock  struck  two 
and  I  felt  thankful  that  the  siesta  was  half  over.  After  a 
still  longer  time  I  began  to  think  that  the  middle-aged 
clock  had  run  down.  But  it  had  not,  for  it  finally  struck 
half  past.  After  another  long  interval  of  weary  wait- 
ing, I  began  to  grow  sleepy  again,  when  the  clock 
struck  three,  and  my  siesta  ended  just  when  it  was  go- 
ing to  begin.  A  faint  breeze  had  begun  to  stir, 
and  I  had  forgiven  the  bell  boy  and  could  have 
taken  a  peaceful  nap,  but  had  to  keep  my  appointment 
with  Doctor  Echeverria.  Encouraged  by  the  faint 
breeze,  I  hoped,  by  moving  about  slowly  and  system- 
atizing the  work,  to  be  able  to  slip  into  my  clothes 
without  saturating  them  with  perspiration. 

I  became  thirsty  and  wanted  the  bell  boy  to  bring 
a  hammer  and  open  the  box  of  mineral  water.  But 


A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH  139 

there  was  no  way  of  calling  him,  not  even  a  gas  pipe 
to  pound  on.  So  I  put  on  my  overcoat,  stole  across 
the  hall,  through  the  empty  room  opposite  and  found 
him  lounging  on  the  veranda  ready  to  halloa  whenever 
the  gong  sounded.  I  gave  him  my  message,  returned 
to  my  room  and  waited,  pitying  the  poor  Spanish 
people  for  not  knowing  better  than  to  select  for  the 
siesta  the  only  two  hours  in  the  day  during  which  it 
is  impossible  to  sleep. 

In  about  fifteen  minutes  the  boy  appeared  with  an 
old  shoe  and  broke  open  the  box  with  it.  I  felt  to- 
ward him  as  the  Spanish  banqueters  felt  toward  Co- 
lumbus when  he  stood  the  egg  on  an  end.  I  could 
have  done  it  myself  if  I  had  known  how  it  was  going 
to  be  done.  I  now  made  the  mistake  of  my  trip  to 
the  tropics,  for  I  gave  the  boy  a  fee,  a  harmless-look- 
ing Colombian  twenty-cent  piece.  I  had  felt  like  mur- 
dering him  for  doing  his  duty  an  hour  before,  and 
wished  to  do  the  right  thing  now  by  myself.  He 
promptly  accepted  the  money  but  did  not  go  away. 
He  asked  what  else  he  could  do  for  me.  Could  he  not 
clean  the  room,  fill  the  water  pitcher,  open  another 
bottle,  etc.  He  was  as  persistent  as  an  insurance 
agent  to  whom  you  have  rashly  given  your  age.  I 
said  "no"  after  each  question,  and  after  the  last  one 
said  as  loudly  and  emphatically  as  possible  that  I  did 
not  want  anything,  not  even  him.  He  stood  and 
looked  blankly  at  me  with  that  powerful  silence  which 
is  the  safe  refuge  of  empty  intellects.  He  was  not 
an  insurance  agent.  The  insurance  agent  does  not 
understand  the  value  of  silence.  But  to  use  strong 


140  TO  PANAMA 

terms  in  Spanish  does  not  come  natural  to  a  student 
of  the  language,  for  the  books  and  teachers  only  teach 
mild  and  proper  words,  and  the  Spaniards  one  meets 
and  practices  upon  use  only  polite  phrases.  So  I 
found  it  difficult  to  convince  the  fellow  that  I  was  fu- 
rious. I  could  only  be  furiously  polite.  Yet  to  give 
a  person  a  piece  of  your  mind  is,  after  all,  to  give  away 
a  portion  of  your  own  without  adding  anything  to 
his,  or  getting  anything  in  return.  Hence  I  gave  up 
trying  to  explain  anything  and  shouted: 

"No,  no!  Nada,  nada!  Vayase,  vayase!  Aburr-r!" 
(No,  no!  Nothing,  nothing!  Begone,  begone!  Adieu!) 

Then  a  ray  of  intelligence  illumined  his  counte- 
nance, and  he  said  in  a  low,  matter-of-fact  tone  of 
voice,  "Me  voy"  (I  go),  and  slowly  walked  out. 

But  this  was  only  the  beginning  of  the  troubles 
brought  upon  me  by  the  silverpiece.  A  goldpiece 
could  not  have  done  worse.  Every  time  I  went  up- 
stairs either  the  male,  or  else  the  female,  chamber- 
maid would  follow  me  into  my  room  to  tidy  it  or 
ask  to  do  some  errand.  Or,  if  I  was  not  followed,  he 
or  she  was  sure  to  open  the  door  about  the  time  I  was 
in  demi  toilette,  for  they  always  tried  the  door  before 
knocking.  In  my  disgust  and  haste  to  get  them  out 
I  would  mix  up  my  Spanish  metaphors  and  polite 
phrases  and  stutter  helplessly,  particularly  if  it  was 
the  female  chambermaid  with  her* mature  although 
maidenly  smile.  As  there  was  but  one  key,  I  began 
leaving  it  in  the  door  during  my  absence  so  that  they 
could  bring  as  many  pitcherfuls  of  water  and  clean  up 
the  room  as  often  as  it  pleased  them,  and  thus  earn 


A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH  141 

their  twenty  cents  without  my  help.  Upon  entering 
I  invariably  locked  the  door  and  at  the  first  knock 
called  out,  "No,  no!  Nada,  nada!  Vayase,  vayase! 
Aburr-r!"  imitating  as  closely  as  possible  the  manner 
of  students  giving  their  college  yell.  Finally  they 
came  to  understand,  and  would  start  away  as  soon  as 
I  commenced.  I  had  conquered  them.  But  I  had 
learned  that  the  conqueror's  lot  is  not  a  happy  one.  Let 
others  go  through  the  strenuous  process  of  conquering. 
Passive  peace  is  good  enough  for  me. 

Finally  I  became  so  habituated  to  answering  the 
knocking  on  the  door  with  my  imitation  college  yell 
that  I  gave  it  one  day  when  Doctor  Echeverria 
knocked,  and  thus  frightened  him  away.  He  asked 
me  afterward  with  whom  I  was  having  words — he  had 
never  heard  one  of  our  college  yells.  So  I  told  him 
the  whole  story,  and  asked  him  the  best  course  to  pur- 
sue with  mestizo  boys  and  musty  old  maids.  He  told 
me  to  have  faith,  hope  and  charity,  but  most  of  all 
hope — to  order  them  around  a  great  deal  in  order 
to  show  that  I  expected  service  and  was  going  to  pay 
for  it,  but  not  to  fee  them  until  the  day  of  my  depar- 
ture. We  followed  out  this  plan  with  our  table 
waiter  and  obtained  good  service.  As  in  doing  every- 
thing else,  a  man  who  gives  tips  should  learn  how. 

When  at  last  my  toilet  was  finished  I  went  down  to 
the  office  with  a  good  color  and  a  moist  skin.  Doctor 
Echeverria  and  Sefior  McGill  had  been  awaiting  me 
for  some  time,  and  thought  that  I  must  have  slept 
long  and  well  during  my  siesta. 

Sefior  McGill  was  fond  of  horses,  in  accordance 


142  TO  PANAMA 

with  the  prevalent  fashion  among  Panama  bachelors 
who,  in  lieu  of  taking  a  wife,  were  in  the  habit  of 
taking  a  horseback  ride  every  afternoon.  And  the 
ladies  smiled  upon  them,  apparently  in  approval.  Af- 
ter we  had  been  to  the  cable  office  to  send  the  doctor's 
cablegram  to  his  wife  at  San  Jose,  the  senor  took  us 
to  the  highest-toned  boarding  stable  in  town,  where 
were  kept  eight  so-called  fine  horses.  He  admired 
them  greatly  and  pointed  out  one  or  two  good  quali- 
ties in  two  or  three  of  them.  But  I  picked  out  three 
or  four  bad  points  in  five  or  six  of  them,  and  told 
him  that,  as  a  bachelor  and  lover  of  horses,  he  should 
neither  accept  a  horse  nor  a  wife  without  asking  some 
one  with  experience  to  point  out  their  bad  qualities, 
since  good  qualities  could  be  overcome,  but  bad  ones 
never.  The  fine  (?)  horses  were  imported,  the  best 
and  largest  one  from  Brazil;  yet  even  that  one,  al- 
though of  heavy  Percheron  shape,  was  rather  small 
and  scrubby,  a  work  horse  but  not  big  enough  to 
work.  The  tropics  may  be  a  good  place  for  wild  ani- 
mals who  take  their  exercise  by  night,  and  domestic 
animals  who  do  not  take  any;  but  animals  and  men 
who  habitually  do  active  hard  work,  develop  poorly 
and  degenerate  rapidly.  If  a  man  or  an  animal,  how- 
ever, does  not  and  will  not  work,  the  tropics  are  the 
place  for  him.  An  amount  of  active  work  that  is  nec- 
essary to  keep  a  man  well  and  in  working  order  in 
Chicago  would  soon  kill  a  white  man  in  Panama, 
while  an  amount  of  inactivity  that  would  make  a 
man  sick  in  Chicago  does  him  good  there. 

Tramps  should  go  to  Panama  and  by  lying  fallow 


A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH  143 

renew  the  exhausted  and  dissipated  physical  stock  of 
their  ancestry.  There  they  can  feast  on  the  plentiful 
bananas,  pineapples,  mangoes,  papayas  and  breadfruit, 
take  siestas  under  inviting  palm  trees,  and  lodge  cheap- 
ly under  wayside  wagons,  or  in  dried  mudholes,  ac- 
cording to  the  season.  They  need  not  toil,  neither  need 
they  spin,  yet  not  Solomon  with  all  his  wives  to  keep 
his  house  from  him  ever  took  the  comfort  they  can 
take.  Never  to  be  cold  or  hungry,  nor  to  be  re- 
proached for  improvidence,  nor  be  brought  to  want 
for  not  working,  nor  to  be  dependent  upon  saloons 
and  jails  to  keep  from  starving  and  freezing;  such  is 
the  paradise  awaiting  them  on  the  isthmus. 

Only  the  rich  man  can  not  take  advantage  of,  the 
conditions  in  Panama.  The  waiters  are  not  well 
enough  trained,  the  first  breakfast  is  too  skimpy,  ex- 
tras are  too  difficult  to  procure,  furniture  is  too  un- 
comfortable, perspiration  too  wet,  etc.  The  rich  man 
starves,  tires  out,  gets  sick  and  has  to  return  to  the 
North,  with  its  steam-heated  houses  and  complex  cui- 
sine, to  save  his  life  and  live  in  comfort — if  the  rich 
ever  do  live  in  comfort.  Some  think  they  do,  but  they 
don't — although  they  might  easily  learn  how  from 
their  servants. 

We  shopped  a  little,  buying  Porto  Rican  straw  hats, 
duck  trousers  and  other  thin  clothes,  and  found  the 
prices  about  the  same  as  those  in  the  United  States 
for  similar  articles  of  good  quality,  but  much  cheaper 
than  in  Costa  Rica.  Although  the  tickets  were  not 
yet  on  sale,  we  engaged  seats  for  the  bull-fight  that 
was  to  take  place  Sunday,  January  1st.  I  had  never 


144  TO  PANAMA 

seen  a  bull-fight,  although  I  often  had  wished  to.  I 
did  not  hanker  after  the  so-called  entertainment,  but 
as  a  student  of  the  Spanish  people  and  of  their  litera- 
ture I  considered  it  a  ceremony  of  educational  and 
emotional  value.  We  had  intended  visiting  some  of 
the  Chinese  silk  and  curio  stores,  but  the  general  cus- 
tom of  closing  at  about  five  o'clock  made  it  necessary 
to  postpone  this  part  of  it.  As  we  were  four  or  five 
blocks  from  home,  my  companions  insisted  upon  tak- 
ing a  cab  to  the  hotel.  I  preferred  walking,  which 
was  better  for  the  health,  but  being  in  Panama  had 
to  do  as  the  Panamanians  did.  The  five-minute  ride, 
however,  cooled  us  off  and  made  us  feel  better,  show- 
ing that  the  end  justified  the  means. 

During  our  walk  and  ride  Senor  McGill  kept  light- 
ing cigarets  and  would  have  kept  us  doing  the  same 
if  we  had  not  refused.  Doctor  Echeverria  did  not 
smoke  and  I  only  smoked  cigars.  The  sefior  was, 
however,  very  moderate  for  a  South  American,  for 
he  only  smoked  about  a  dozen  cigarets  during  the  af- 
ternoon. One  of  our  delegates,  a  physician  from  San 
Salvador,  said  that  he  smoked  about  seventy-five  a 
day,  and  that  many  of  his  acquaintances  did  likewise. 
It  serves  to  keep  men  occupied,  just  as  embroidering 
and  knitting  serve  to  keep  women  occupied.  As  the 
tobacco  in  the  Central  and  South  American  cigaret  is 
very  black  and  much  stronger  than  in  those  made  in 
the  United  States,  I  should  say  that  seventy-five  of 
the  former  would  equal  about  a  hundred  and  fifty  of 
the  latter  in  its  effect  upon  the  nerves.  Evolution  can 
go  no  farther.  Such  consummate  cigaret  fiends  are 


A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH  145 

however  not  common  in  the  United  States.  Yet  the 
habit  seems  to  influence  men  badly  whether  they 
smoke  strong  or  weak  tobacco.  The  practice  of  smok- 
ing often,  seems  to  grow  on  them  until  finally  they 
want  to  light  a  cigaret  every  time  they  meet  a  friend 
or  have  a  moment  of  leisure.  They  light  one  every 
time  they  sit  down,  again  when  they  get  up,  and  every 
time  they  hear  news  or  wish  to  impart  news  to  others. 
One  can  keep  tab  on  their  feelings  and  impressions 
and  intentions  by  watching  their  cigaret  play.  The 
habit  leads  them  to  give  way  to  their  impulses  and 
inclinations  without  resistance,  and  they  finally  get 
to  smoking  automatically,  without  thinking  about  it 
and  without  really  enjoying  it.  They  smoke  with  the 
same  kind  of  nervous  satisfaction  that  Napoleon 
walked  the  floor  when  he  dictated  correspondence, 
and  with  correspondingly  direful  results.  It  affects 
themselves  and  their  friends,  however,  instead  of  their 
foes,  for  it  keeps  them  smelling  worse  than  a  groom. 
The  habitual  cigaret  smoker  habitually  smells.  There 
is  only  one  worse  habit,  and  that  is  to  go  about  pub- 
licly sucking  an  old  pipe.  This  hurts  every  one  with- 
in sight. 

Senor  McGill  left  us  at  the  hotel,  and  the  doctor 
and  I  went  to  our  rooms  to  replace  wilted  linen.  I 
had  just  removed  my  coat  and  collar,  and  was  pulling 
my  outer  shirt  over  my  head  when  the  dusky  maiden 
of  many  seasons  came  in  to  fix  my  room.  I  got  a 
glimpse  of  her  in  time,  and  pulled  the  garment  down 
with  a  jerk  and  cried,  "Get  out!  Scat!  Don't  you 
know  better  than  to  frighten  a  man  to  death  in  this 
10 


146  TO  PANAMA 

way?"  I  hadn't  time  to  compose  anything  but  plain 
English. 

"Si,  senor!"  she  said,  as  she  started  for  the  water 
pitcher. 

"You've  seen  enough.    Get  out,  I  say." 
She  merely  smiled  in  a  matter-of-fact  way  as  if  to 
say,  "Don't  mention  it.     I'll  excuse  it    this    time." 
Tropical  women  seem  to  know  that  men  have  no  mod- 
esty. 

I  was  too  nervous  to  speak  Spanish,  and  she  was 
too  stupid  to  guess  what  my  English  meant,  so  I 
pointed  sternly  at  the  door.  She  looked  at  my  out- 
stretched arm  and,  seeing  no  weapon  in  it,  smiled 
again  and  said,  "Si,  senor!" 

Finally  I  got  the  combination  and  shouted: 
"No,  no!  Nada,  nada!  Vayase,  vayase!  Aburr-r!" 
The  formula  was  effective,  for  she  stared  at  me 
with  an  expression  of  petticoat  dignity  and  pop-eyed 
wonder  which  said  plainer  than  words,  "There  is  no 
fool  like  an  old  fool,"  and  walked  out.     She  must 
have  thought  that  changing  garments  was  a  public 
ceremony,  like  snoring  and  seasickness.     It  was  the 
last  time  I  was  caught  with  my  door  unlocked. 

After  securing  the  door,  I  talked  to  the  looking- 
glass  and  washstand  until  I  was  dressed.  I  wondered 
if  the  terrifying  loneliness  of  the  arctic  regions  was  as 
hard  on  the  nerves  as  the  terrible  sociability  of  the 
tropics.  I  found  myself  arguing  with  poor  Weinin- 
ger,  who  committed  suicide  at  the  age  of  twenty-three. 
He  said  that  woman  was  mere  matter  that  could  as- 
sume any  shape.  But  this  one  was  merely  a  mass  of 


A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH  147 

petticoat  that  couldn't  assume  any  shape.  Another 
man,  who  has  not  yet  committed  suicide,  said  that 
woman's  face  was  the  most  beautiful  thing  in  the 
world — he  had  not  seen  them  all. 

All  of  the  officials  and  local  celebrities  excepting 
President  Amador,  Mr.  Wallace  and  Mr.  Barrett  were 
in  the  habit  of  stopping  at  the  hotel  on  their  way,  or 
out  of  their  way,  home  after  business  hours,  or  on 
their  way  from  home  after  dinner,  thus  rendering 
the  hotel  corridor  and  barroom  quite  animated,  and, 
of  course,  quite  interesting  to  a  stranger;  so  I  went 
down-stairs  to  seek  solace  and  safety  in  a  crowd.  Af- 
ter listening  awhile  to  General  Jeffries,  who  had 
fought  in  nearly  all  of  the  Central  American  repub- 
lics, and  who  had  the  right  of  way  in  Panama;  and 
to  an  American  contract  agent  who  was  attending  to 
the  building  up  of  Central  America  and  Cuba  on 
North  American  lines;  as  well  as  to  other  more  dis- 
tinctly local  celebrities,  discuss  the  conditions  and 
prospects  of  the  little  republic,  I  was  invited  to  take 
a  bottle  of  beer  with  one  of  those  typical  United  States 
old  gentleman  whom  I  had  found  ordering  eggs  for 
their  early  breakfast  on  the  first  morning  after  my 
arrival  and  who  were  making  things  so  lively  for  the 
waiters.  It  was  the  quiet  one  who  had  allowed  his 
large,  formidable,  rheumatic  friend  to  fight  the  "Bat- 
tle of  the  Eggs"  for  him.  But  it  was  now  his  turn  to 
complain.  The  eggs  had  done  their  work,  and  the 
problem  was  how  to  get  rid  of  eggs  instead  of  how 
to  get  eggs.  He  had  not  lived  as  Panamanians  did, 
and  was  not  willing  to  die  as  they  did  when  they 


148  TO  PANAMA 

transgressed.  I  should  have  been  much  more  willing 
to  advise  him  if  he  had  drunk  my  beer  instead  of 
making  me  drink  it,  but  I  could  not  offend  him  by 
refusing  the  most  expensive  treat  next  to  champagne 
and,  to  my  thinking,  a  better  ( ?),  pleasanter  and  less 
poisonous  one.  I  really  wanted  to  take  imported  bot- 
tled water,  but  I  feared  to-  offend  him  by  making  him 
pay  fifty  cents  for  a  drink  of  water,  when  beer  could 
be  had  for  the  same  price.  I  gave  him  the  prescrip- 
tion of  my  old  professor,  Dr.  N.  S.  Davis,  who  lived 
to  be  eighty-five  years  old  and  always  used  it  upon 
himself  when  similarly  affected,  viz.,  "R.  Take  neith- 
er food  nor  medicine  until  your  stomach  is  all  right 
again."  Doctor  Davis  included  all  alcoholics  in  this 
prohibition  of  medicine,  but  I  said  nothing  to  my  pa- 
tient about  that.  It  would  have  disgusted  him  with 
me. 

Pretty  soon  Doctor  Echeverria  and  Senor  McGill 
appeared,  and  we  dutifully  proceeded  to  take  an 
aperitif  preparatoire,  for  it  was  half  after  six  and  we 
would  have  to  face  a  formidable  bill  of  fare  at  seven. 
In  a  colder  climate  active  exercise  would  have  been 
considered  a  better  appetizer  for  a  hearty  meal,  but  in 
hot  climates  an  alcoholic  stimulant  is  considered  more 
enjoyable  and  quite  efficacious.  Senor  McGill  had 
even  less  the  figure  and  fogosity  of  a  high-liver  than 
he  had  of  a  warrior,  but  he  took  something  genuine, 
and  went  out  to  dinner  with  us  and  did  himself  honor, 
drinking  iced  claret  in  place  of  water.  After  dinner 
we  returned  to  the  hotel  corridor  and  barroom  and 
spent  the  evening  talking  and  treating — all  three  of 


A  SIESTA  AND  SUCH  149 

us,  excepting  Doctor  Echeverria  and  myself,  smoking 
cigarets. 

"Ubi  ires  medici,  ibi  duo  athei." 

I  learned  that  on  Thursday  evenings  from  eight  to 
ten  o'clock  a  public  concert  was  given  in  the  open  air 
at  Plaza  Santa  Ana,  and  one  on  Sunday  evenings  in 
the  Parque  del  Catedral  in  front  of  our  hotel.  On 
other  evenings  there  were  about  three  things  for  the 
Panamanians  to  choose  between,  viz.,  to  stay  at  home, 
undress  and  keep  cool;  to  go  to  one  of  the  clubs  and 
play  cards;  or  to  lounge  about  the  hotel  and  talk  and 
drink  alcoholic  liquors  or  syrupy  soft  drinks  (fres- 
coes') at  regular  intervals.  I  met  Doctor  Cook  of 
Panama;  Doctor  Calvo,  the  secretary  of  the  Pana- 
manian Medical  Congress;  Doctor  Tomaselli,  one  of 
the  busiest  of  the  local  practitioners,  and  other  physi- 
cians, as  well  as  a  few  non-professional  citizens,  and 
noticed  that  these  physicians,  as  well  as  a  few  unpro- 
fessional citizens,  avoided  the  barroom.  They  usually 
remained  in  the  hotel  corridor  and  did  not  remain  long. 
Nearly  all  of  the  temperance  men,  however,  drank 
soft  drinks,  and  they  were  real  men  as  far  as  exter- 
nals indicated. 

About  nine  o'clock  Doctor  Echeverria  went  out  to 
call  upon  some  friends,  and  I  went  across  the  street 
into  the  park  and  cooled  off.  The  mosquitoes  soon 
began  to  congregate,  however,  and  I  sneaked  up  to 
my  bedroom,  escaping  the  argus-eyed  bell  boy  and 
bully  girl.  I  locked  the  door  quickly,  undressed  in 
the  dark  and  after  carefully  tucking  in  the  edges  of 
the  mosquito  bar,  crawled  under  it,  thinking  of  Bry- 
ant's stanzas  addressed  to  the  mosquito. 


150  TO  PANAMA 

Beneath  the  rushes  was  thy  cradle  swung, 

And  when  at  length  thy  gauzy  wings  grew  strong, 

Abroad  to  gentle  airs  their  folds  were  flung, 
Rose  in  the  sky,  and  bore  thee  soft  along. 

The  south  wind  breathed  to  waft  thee  on  thy  way 
And  danced  and  shone  beneath  the  billowy  bay. 

Calm  rose  afar  the  city  spires,  and  thence 

Came  the  deep  murmur  of  its  throngs  of  men, 

And  as  its  grateful  odors  met  thy  sense, 

They  seemed  the  perfumes  of  thy  native  fen. 

Fair  lay  its  crowded  streets,  and  at  the  sight 
Thy  tiny  song  grew  shriller  with  delight. 

I  lay  listening  to  the  cathedral  clock  strike  the  hours 
and  half-hours.  Every  time  the  clock  struck  during 
the  night,  the  night  watchman  blew  his  whistle  to 
awaken  people  and  remind  them  that  he  was  awake. 
Chicago  policemen  wake  up  their  headquarters  only. 
The  promptitude  of  the  whistling  made  one  of  our 
doctors  think  that  the  whistling  was  done  by  the  clock, 
and  was  to  awaken  the  watchman  only. 


CHAPTER  X 

About  Town 

Early  Breakfast— The  "Gentleman  of  the  Eggs"  Again— 
How  to  Eat  the  Juice  of  an  Orange — Panama  Shops — 
Chinese  Silks  and  Curios — Purchases — Trying  to  Beat 
Down  a  Chinaman's  Price — The  Market — Chinatown — 
Assortment  of  Smells — Chinese  Style — A  Large  Stock — 
The  Doctor's  Extravagance — Idleness  the  Cause  of  In- 
judicious Buying — Another  Lesson  in  Siestas — The  dolce 
far  niente  of  It — Another  Interruption — Nada,  Nada! — 
New  Year's  Resolutions — The  Usual  Visit  to  the  Cable 
Office — Las  Lonely  Bovedas — Extension  of  Sewers  to  Low 
Water  Line — The  Odor  Worse  than  the  Poison — The 
Remedy — The  Prison — The  Barracks — Goats  Versus 
Cows — Narrow  Streets  and  Ruins — Chicago  Again  in  the 
Lead — Unserviceable  Sidewalks — Rich  Food  Eaten  in 
the  Tropics — The  Promenade  Concert — Costumes  and 
Customs. 

At  coffee  I  found  the  portly  old  "Gentleman  of  the 
Eggs"  in  his  place  at  the  head  of  the  table,  as  confi- 
dent and  contented  as  a  successful  South  American 
revolutionist.  Things  were  going  his  way — beefsteak, 
fried  potatoes,  camareros  and  congestion. 

Doctor  Echeverria  came  in  and  showed  me  how  to 
peel  and  eat  an  orange.  He  thrust  a  sharp-pronged 
fork  into  one  end,  peeled  it  with  a  sharp  table  knife 
the  same  as  one  pares  an  apple  and  began  biting  into 
it.  After  finishing  it,  all  of  the  fibrous  portion  re- 

151 


152  TO  PANAMA 

mained  on  the  fork  and  the  juice  only  had  been  eaten. 
This  is  the  way  a  fluid  can  be  eaten.  The  old  gentle- 
man looked  askance  at  the  performance  as  if  he  con- 
sidered it  a  foreign  fraud,  but  did  not  alarm  those 
who  were  not  looking  at  him;  and  everything  went 
well. 

After  coffee  we  sent  a  cablegram  to  the  doctor's 
wife,  and  proceeded  to  hunt  up  a  Chinese  store.  All 
stores  in  Panama  are,  in  point  of  size,  shops,  for  al- 
though some  of  them  have  a  frontage  of  twenty-five 
feet,  in  a  few  instances  of  fifty  feet,  they  are  shallow, 
the  great  majority  being  not  more  than  twenty-five 
feet  deep.  Thus  the  stores  as  well  as  the  streets  are 
mere  bumping  places. 

The  duties  on  silk  and,  I  believe,  on  nearly  all  goods 
are  low.  Hence,  although  scarcely  anything  is  manu- 
factured or  made  in  Panama,  the  prices  are  usually 
moderate.  But  so  many  things  are  imported  from  the 
United  States  that  I  had  to  be  careful  not  to  buy  goods 
that  had  been  brought  from  the  United  States.  In 
such  cases  I  would  pay  the  increased  prices  resulting 
from  the  moderate  Panama  duties,  and  then  pay  the 
immoderate  American  duties  upon  bringing  them 
back.  The  Chinese  silk  and  curio  stores  had  the  usual 
things  that  they  have  in  the  United  States.  In  addi- 
tion to  this  the  Chinese  kept  provision  stores  of  all 
sizes  and  grades  where  they  sold  groceries,  liquors, 
fruits,  dried  and  canned  goods,  and  other  delicacies 
demanded  by  their  numerous  countrymen  and  native 
customers. 

By  way  of  introduction  I    bought    some    feather 


ABOUT  TOWN  153 

fans  and  bronze  sea  cows.  I  then  called  for  a 
skeleton  coat.  The  Chinaman  looked  at  my  arms  and 
legs  and  said  that  he  did  not  keep  skeleton  clothes, 
but  had  some  about  my  size,  and  brought  out  a  white 
shiny  silk  sack  coat  for  twelve  dollars.  As  I  only 
wanted  it  for  a  week's  wear  in  Panama  and  a  couple 
of  days  on  the  Caribbean  Sea,  the  coat  would  cost  me 
more  than  a  dollar  for  each  day's  wear.  Had  I  been 
younger  and  more  enterprising  I  should  have  em- 
braced the  opportunity  of  wearing  an  imported  coat 
that  cost  a  dollar  a  day  while  worn,  and  would  have 
discarded  it  at  the  end  of  ten  days  in  order  not  to 
spoil  its  record ;  but  I  allowed  the  opportunity  to  pass 
and  called  for  something  cheaper.  The  Chinaman 
showed  me  a  similar  coat  for  ten  dollars  and  said: 

"Vely  cheapee." 

"More  cheapee/'  I  said. 

He  showed  me  one  for  eight  dollars. 

"Still  more  cheapee,  much  more  cheapee." 

He  then  brought  out  one  for  three  dollars  that 
looked  the  same  to  me,  and  would  catch  the  Panama 
dust  and  filter  the  Caribbean  showers  just  as  faith- 
fully as  if  I  paid  twelve  dollars  for  it.  I  gave  him  a 
five-dollar  bill  and  received  seven  dollars  back.  I  then 
spied  a  beautiful  piece  of  silk  embroidery  and  drawn- 
work  about  as  wide  as  a  door  mat  and  a  little  longer. 
I  guessed  it  to  be  a  bureau  cover  but  called  it  a  door 
mat,  for  short. 

"How  muchee?"  I  asked. 

"Eight  dollah." 

"What?    Eight  dollah  for  door  mat?    No  go.    It 


154  TO  PANAMA 

looks  well  but  it  wouldn't  last  an  hour  in  Chicago.  It 
is  full  of  holes.  I  never  pay  for  holes.  Deduct  for 
the  holes  and  I'll  buy  it." 

"No  put  him  out  doah.    Keep  him  in  house." 

"Oh,  I  see,  he  is  a  towel.  But  when  we  wash  in 
Chicago  we  use  muchee  water.  It  would  take  three 
of  him  for  one  wiping,  and  then  there  would  be  no 
opportunity  for  friction.  Such  a  towel " 

"No  towel.  Put  him  on  table,"  interrupted  the 
Chinaman,  with  a  trace  of  alteration  in  the  tone  of 
his  voice. 

"Oh,  a  napkin?  Why,  every  time  I'd  wipe  my 
mouthee  the  soupee  would  come  through  these  con- 
founded holes  on  my  hands.  You  must  obliterate 
them  if  you  wish  to  sell  him.  He's  a  regular  skele- 
ton." 

"Not  for  eatee — for  pollah  table,  for  buleau — lookee 
pletty." 

"Oh,  a  sort  of  tidy  for  the  bureau.  But  these  holes 
spoil  him,  I  say.  The  dirt  would  show  right  through 
him.  Here,  I'll  give  you  six  dollah  for  him.  Quickee 
— comee — bargain — cashee — hoop  lah!"  I  tried  to 
carry  the  bargain  by  storm. 

The  Chinaman  could  not  deny  that  dirt  would  show 
through  the  drawn-work.  He  looked  perplexed  and 
human,  but  his  speech  had  the  sound  of  a  talking 
machine. 

"Sem  dollah  ninety-fye  cent." 

"Sew  up  the  holes,"  I  said,  "and  I'll  give  it.  No- 
body'11  ever  buy  him  full  of  holes.  Why  he  couldn't 
hold  water,  he  wouldn't  even  hold  molasses.  Here's 
your  six  dollah,  last  chancee." 


ABOUT  TOWN  155 

"Bully  hole!  Vela  fine  hole!  Sem  dollah  ninety- 
fye  cent.  Allee  hole  flee  in  bahgain."  As  he  said  this 
his  words  became  animated,  but  his  face  was  like  yel- 
low wax. 

"No  fleas  or  flea  holes  in  mine.  You'll  never  sell 
him  to  a  Yankee  with  those  flea  holes  in  him.  Good- 
bye!'1 

He  eyed  me  with  patient  disgust  and  put  away  his 
finery.  As  I  went  out  he  said,  "Bettee  fye  dollah  sell 
him  to-mollah." 

I  knew  that  the  piece  was  worth  eight  dollars  in 
Colombian  money,  but  I  didn't  like  to  give  in,  and 
thought  it  quite  as  well  to  return  another  time  and 
buy  it.  But  when  I  did  return  three  days  later  the 
Chinaman  pretended  that  the  bureau  cover  was  gone, 
thinking  probably  that  I  wanted  to  claim  the  five 
dollars  that  he  had  offered  to  bet.  He  did  not  seem 
anxious  to  sell  me  anything.  But  I  had  taken  a  fancy 
to  the  cover  and  wanted  it.  I  offered  him  eight  dollah 
and  fye  cent,  but  he  said: 

"Allee  gone." 

I  offered  him  nine  dollah. 

"Allee  gone." 

I  offered  him  ten  dollah. 

"Allee  gone." 

So  I  also  went,  cured  of  my  conceit  as  a  shopper 
and  business  man.  I  had  the  best  of  the  bargain,  how- 
ever, for  the  cover  didn't  cost  me  anything.  In  my 
subsequent  shopping  I  soon  learned  that  the  amount 
a  Chinaman  would  throw  off  was  so  insignificant  that 
it  was  not  worth  while  to  ask  it.  In  fact,  it  is  a  good 


156  TO  PANAMA 

thing  to  offer  him  five  cents  more  than  he  asks  to 
make  him  jump  about  and  show  his  goods  with  more 
zeal.  As  we  passed  out  I  noticed  that  the  doctor  had 
bought  several  things  of  considerable  value  for  his 
wife. 

We  then  sauntered  leisurely  down  to  the  street 
that  skirted  the  seashore,  passing  the  market  on  our 
way.  The  market  was  a  large  fenced,  rectangular 
area  with  a  galvanized  iron  roof.  It  projected  over 
the  sea  wall,  giving  opportunity  for  the  disposal  of 
all  dirt  by  merely  throwing  it  out,  supposing,  of 
course,  that  it  were  possible  to  get  rid  of  all  of  the 
dirt  in  the  place.  It  was  much  better  constructed 
and  arranged  than  the  market  at  Colon,  and  was  well 
supplied  with  dirty  counters  and  dirty  booths  where 
dirty  Chinamen,  dirty  negroes  and  dirty  mestizos 
sold  dirty  fruit,  dirty  fish,  dirty  vegetables,  etc.,  all 
of  which  should  have  gone  over  the  sea  wall  instead 
of  over  the  palate. 

Arriving  at  the  end  of  the  street  where  it  was  cut 
off  by  an  inward  curve  of  the  shore  line,  we  turned 
at  right  angles  to  the  left  into  a  street  about  a  quar- 
ter of  a  mile  long  and  were,  commercially  speaking, 
in  Chinatown.  The  ground-floor  front  of  many  of 
the  houses  were  little  Chinese  stores,  and  most  of  the 
inhabitants  that  we  saw  were  Chinese.  And  before  we 
had  finished  our  walk  along  the  shore,  through  the 
market  and  up  this  street,  we  were  prepared  to  endorse 
the  saying  that  Panama  had  a  separate  smell  for  every 
turn  of  the  head.  A  blind  man  could  soon  learn  to 
find  his  way  around  easily  and  unerringly. 


ABOUT  TOWN  157 

Up  near  the  main  street,  where  our  little  street  end- 
ed, we  came  to  a  large,  clean-looking  Chinese  silk 
and  dry-goods  store  with  an  imposing  entrance.  A 
private  carriage  was  standing  in  front  of  it,  although 
upon  entering  we  did  not  find  any  one  who  looked  as 
if  he  or  she  had  ever  possessed  or  even  driven  in  a 
carriage.  Indeed,  on  two  other  occasions  I  saw  a 
carriage,  presumably  the  same  one,  in  the  same  place, 
but  never  discovered  a  possible  owner  shopping  there. 
Hence  I  inferred  that  the  carriage  belonged  to  the  es- 
tablishment, and  was  kept  there  to  impress  strangers 
by  making  them  believe  that  rich  customers  frequent- 
ed the  place.  The  store  had  two  front  rooms,  a  main 
room  for  all  sorts  of  articles,  and  a  smaller  one  for 
silk.  We  went  into  the  silk  room  where  we  found  a 
beautiful  display  of  a  costly  embroidered  silk  in  the 
show-cases,  and  in  innumerable  pasteboard  boxes  on 
shelves  reaching  almost  up  to  the  ceiling. 

The  proprietor,  who  waited  upon  us,  was  a  plump, 
handsome,  courteous,  intelligent  and  exceedingly  dig- 
nified Chinaman.  When  Chinamen  grow  fat  they  of- 
ten become  good  looking;  those  that  remain  thin  re- 
main ugly,  like  the  rest  of  us.  He  showed  us  all  sorts 
of  finery,  and  Doctor  Echeverria  let  himself  out. 
Whenever  the  doctor  saw  silks  and  embroidery  and 
a  Chinaman  he  thought  of  his  wife,  and  whenever  he 
thought  of  his  wife  he  thought  of  silks  and  embroi- 
dery and  Chinamen.  In  Costa  Rica  the  tariff  is  very 
high  on  silks,  and  the  market  is  probably  not  good. 
We  examined  many  things  and  made  the  Chinaman 
send  for  more  goods  from  his  store-rooms.  The  doc- 


158  TO  PANAMA 

tor  wasted  no  time  talking,  but  bought  freely:  scarfs, 
shawls,  fans,  waists,  kimonas,  doilies,  table  covers, 
etc.,  for  his  wife,  and  handkerchiefs,  neckties,  etc., 
for  himself. 

But  this  was  not  all,  for  we  made  other  visits. 

Finally  one  day  he  opened  his  mouth  upon  the  sub- 
ject and  said,  "I'm  buying  too  much.  I  must  keep 
away  from  these  stores." 

I  thought  so  too,  and  wondered  how  he  would  find 
room  enough  in  his  trunks  for  all  of  the  goods,  and 
what  the  Costa  Rica  custom  officers  would  do  to  him. 
I  have  since  also  been  curious  to  know  if  his  wife, 
after  seeing  these  things,  told  him,  as  my  wife  told  me 
when  I  presented  my  purchases,  that  she  could  have 
bought  the  same  at  home  just  as  cheaply,  and  could 
have  selected  things  she  wanted.  My  wife  would  have 
perhaps  obtained  more  at  home  for  the  money,  but  I 
would  not  have  gotten  the  romance  out  of  it.  I  needed 
the  experience.  A  little  chivalry  toward  one's  wife  is 
worth  more  than  money. 

At  home  I  never  enter  Chinese  shops.  Being  busy, 
and  therefore  in  a  normal  mental  state,  I  act  rationally 
and  do  not  buy  Chinese  silks  and  jimcracks.  But  in 
Panama  I  had  nothing  useful  to  do,  and  was  there- 
fore apt  to  do  things  I  should  not  have  done.  When 
the  mind  is  preoccupied  with  buying  stocks  one  buys 
them  more  or  less  freely  and  precipitately;  when  it  is 
preoccupied  with  buying  Chinese  silks  one  is  apt  to 
buy  more  than  one's  wife  needs  or  wants. 

The  shrewd  insurance  agents,  book  agents,  art 
venders  and  irresponsible  promoters  take  advantage 


ABOUT  TOWN  159 

of  this  fact  at  home  where  you  can  not  escape  them. 
They  take  up  so  much  of  your  time  and  talk  so  much 
about  insurance,  books,  pictures  or  investments  that 
they  communicate  to  you  their  own  paid- for  enthusi- 
asm on  the  subject.  They  hammer  it  into  your  brain 
cells  by  prolonged  and  repeated  nerve  impressions 
until  the  brain  cells  are  temporarily  modified  to  re- 
produce the  impression  involuntarily,  so  that  "insure, 
insure,"  or  "buy,  buy,"  is  continually  running  through 
your  mind.  You  are  hypnotized.  The  only  way  to  de- 
termine whether  you  want  an  insurance  policy  or  a 
book  or  a  picture  or  a  fortune  from  the  agent  or  pro- 
moter, is  to  get  away  from  him  or  her  for  forty-eight 
hours,  and  sleep  over  the  problem  twice.  The  impres- 
sions of  the  agent's  sonorous  or  perhaps  insinuating 
voice  will  then  have  become  weakened,  and  you  will 
find  that  you  do  not  want  either  an  insurance  policy,  a 
book,  a  picture  or  a  gold  mine. 

After  lunch  I  went  up  to  my  room  to  take  another 
private  lesson  in  siestas.  The  barricading  of  the  door, 
the  removing  of  superfluous  clothing,  the  careful  tuck- 
ing in  of  the  mosquito  bar  under  the  mattress  all 
around,  futile  efforts  to  stop  thinking  and  keep  from 
perspiring,  and  protracted  attempts  to  read  Spanish 
novels,  made  of  the  siesta  a  not  insignificant  part  of 
the  day's  work.  It  was  not  the  dolce  far  niente,  the 
Traeumerei,  the  dreamy  dozing  so  dear  to  the  ima- 
gination of  degenerates.  My  character  was  unfor- 
tunately already  formed;  I  had  my  limitations,  and 
could  not  adapt  and  reconcile  myself  to  the  popular 
siesta  hoax.  A  tropical  siesta  is  not  a  sleep;  it  is  a 


160  TO  PANAMA 

broil  in  which  the  victim  does  the  turning  over  and 
seasoning  himself. 

Finally,  however,  at  the  end  of  an  hour  and  a  half 
by  the  cathedral  clock,  twelve  hours  by  the  hour-glass 
in  my  brain,  I  seemed  to  be  well  done,  and  slowly  siz- 
zled off  into  a  simulated  sunstroke,  only  to  be  awak- 
ened as  on  the  day  before  by  those  knockout  blows 
on  my  door.  I  aroused  myself  and  saw  the  bell  boy 
peeking  in. 

"The  washing,  the  washing,"  he  said  hastily,  and 
was  evidently  anxious  to  anticipate  and  avoid  the  ex- 
pected torrent  of  dreadful  Spanish.  But  I  was  too 
discouraged  to  compose  epithets.  Epitaphs  were  more 
in  keeping  with  the  situation,  and  one  was  due  him.  So 
I  crawled  out  of  bed,  made  a  toga  out  of  a  towel,  re- 
moved the  barricade  from  the  door  and  took  the 
bundle.  I  then  wiped  my  forehead  and  looked  at  him. 
He  stood  like  a  black  Pompeian  statue  with  the  white 
of  its  staring  eyes  fixed  upon  me.  I  began,  "Nada, 
nada!" — and  the  thing  glided  out.  It  was  becoming 
intelligent  at  last. 

But  it  was  still  too  hot  to  keep  clothes  on,  and  I 
had  to  crawl  into  my  mosquito  cage  and  make  up 
my  mind  to  stay  there  until  the  three  o'clock  breeze 
made  itself  felt.  As  the  new  year  was  only  two  days 
off,  I  passed  the  time  making  New  Year's  resolutions. 
I  made  about  a  hundred,  but  could  only  remember  a 
dozen  or  so  of  them  afterward.  I  resolved: 

Never  to  take  a  siesta  or  a  dolce  far  niente  in  the 
Juture,  but  to  be  satisfied  with  a  plain  nap  when  I 
felt  the  need  of  it. 


ABOUT  TOWN  161 

Not  to  return  to  Panama  until  a  Yankee  hotel  had 
reconstructed  the  country. 

Not  to  personally  undertake  the  reformation  of  the 
tropics. 

Not  to  train  the  servants  of  aliens. 

Not  to  begin  by  getting  hot  when  I  wanted  to  keep 
cool. 

Not  to  be  a  conqueror. 

Not  to  do  in  Rome  as  the  Romans  did. 

Not  to  take  a  Turkish  bath  and  call  it  a  siesta. 

Not  to  drink  frescoes  when  I  wanted  water. 

Not  to  do  the  tropics,  nor  let  the  tropics  do  me. 

Not  to  have  opinions,  but  try  to  understand  things. 

Not  to  be  eloquent  when  silence  would  suffice. 

Not  to  care  when  it  couldn't  help. 

Not  to  know  everything. 

Not  to  want  anything. 

Not  to  make  any  new  resolutions  until  the  old  ones 
were  worn  out  or  broken. 

Finally  at  half  past  three  I  arose,  shut  and  locked 
the  door,  drank  a  bottle  of  imported  lukewarm  water, 
cooled  myself  by  washing  my  chest  and  body  with  so- 
called  cold  water,  and  felt  more  or  less  refreshed. 

After  I  had  been  down-stairs  a  few  minutes,  Doc- 
tor Echeverria  and,  later,  Senor  Arango  appeared, 
and  we  started  for  the  cable  office  to  send  a  message 
to  the  doctor's  wife  and  enquire  after  the  one  he  had 
not  yet  received.  If  one  had  come  it  would  have  been 
sent  to  the  hotel,  but  he  went  and  enquired  morning 
and  evening,  just  for  the  love  of  it,  or  of  her,  I  sup- 
posed. At  any  rate,  he  couldn't  help  it. 
11 


i6s  TO  PANAMA 

We  then  went  for  a  promenade  on  the  Bovedas 
along  the  seashore.  The  tide,  which  rises  thirteen 
feet,  was  out  and  the  flat  rocky  bed  of  the  bay  lay  ex- 
posed for  more  than  a  hundred  yards.  Two  men  of 
slow  and  deliberate  intentions  were  digging  a  trench 
from  the  sea  wall  out  to  the  water's  edge  at  low  tide 
for  the  benefit  of  the  sewer  pipes.  The  sewers  which 
emptied  just  outside  of  the  sea  wall  were  to  be  ex- 
tended out  to  that  point.  This  improvement  would 
do  away  with  some  of  the  bad  smells  that  had  followed 
the  daily  exposure  of  the  sea  bottom  by  the  recession 
of  the  water.  The  bad  smells  at  low  tide  did  not, 
however,  seem  to  cause  much  sickness,  the  regular  re- 
turn of  the  salt  water  acting  as  a  disinfectant  and 
douche.  The  offense  to  the  olfactories  was  probably 
the  worst  feature  of  the  emptying  of  the  sewage  near 
the  shore.  Individual  perfumery  would  have  been 
cheaper  and  perhaps  more  efficacious,  but  the  men  had 
not  thought  of  that,  and  the  ladies  had  never  told 
them.  Whether  it  was  too  early  in  the  day  for  prome- 
nading, or  whether  there  was  but  little  promenading 
done  on  Las  Bovedas  I  do  not  know  (probably  both), 
but  the  only  fashionable  people  we  met  were  Sefior 
McGill  and  his  party,  consisting  of  two  ladies  and  a 
gentleman  besides  himself.  A  few  children  and  two 
men  of  the  poorer  class  were  the  only  other  persons 
visible. 

We  arrived  in  a  few  minutes  at  the  end  of  the  lovely 
but  lonely  promenade  where  it  turned  upon  itself 
and  led  us  down  to  the  low  ground  just  inside  of  the 
sea  wall.  Here  the  soldiers'  barracks,  the  city  jail 


OCEAN  FRONT  AT  PANAMA 
Tide  Out,  Showing  the  Sea  Wall  and  Bottom  of  the  Sea 


ABOUT  TOWN  163 

and  a  good  parade  ground  of  three  or  four  acres  were 
situated.  We  saw  many  prisoners  and  a  few  sol- 
diers. The  prisoners  were  confined  under  the  vaults 
that  supported  the  promenade.  Hence  the  name  Las 
Bovedas,  the  vaults.  They  were  closed  on  the  outer 
side  by  the  solid  sea  wall  and  on  the  inner  side  by 
iron  grating.  Light  and  air  entered  the  cellars  thus 
formed  from  one  side  only,  through  the  iron  grating, 
leaving  the  deeper  portions  so  dark  that  we  could  not 
see  into  them.  The  light  space  near  the  grating  was 
teeming  with  prisoners  of  both  sexes,  mostly  negroes 
and  mixed  breeds,  who  seemed  to  be  uncomfortably 
crowded  in  an  exceedingly  unhealthy  place.  Just  be- 
yond the  jail  was  a  plain,  rectangular  brick  building, 
in  which  the  soldiers  were  lodged,  and  beyond  this 
were  some  dilapidated  frame  houses,  ragged  children, 
dirty  goats  and  drowsy  vultures. 

Doctor  Echeverria  wished  to  buy  a  herd  of  goats 
for  his  children  and  take  them  to  San  Jose;  but  al- 
though goats  were  plenty  he  could  only  find  one  good 
one.  They  had  subsisted  on  straw  hats  and  stray 
shoes  so  long  that  most  of  them  were  getting  bald  and 
leathery  on  their  backs  and  sides.  Cows  and  fodder 
are  rather  scarce  in  Central  American  cities  and  the 
facilities  for  keeping  the  milk  fresh  are  not  good, 
hence  the  desirability  of  a  herd  of  goats  which  can  be 
starved  when  corn  husks  are  dear,  and  can  be  driven 
from  house  to  house  to  be  milked  as  milk  is  wanted 
for  use.  This  provides  sterile,  undiluted  milk,  rich 
enough  for  coffee  and  more  digestible  and  nourish- 
ing for  children  than  the  best  of  cows'  milk  that  has 


1 64  TO  PANAMA 

been  milked  several  hours  before  being  used,  or  that 
has  been  artificially  sterilized.  I  should  think  that 
Central  America,  and  particularly  Panama  and  the 
neighborhood  of  the  Canal  Zone,  would  be  a  profita- 
ble place  for  large  goat  dairies.  The  goats  could  eat 
all  night  on  the  sabanas,  manufacturing  morning 
milk  from  the  midnight  grass  and  stubble,  and  walk 
the  streets  of  Panama  city  all  day,  clearing  the  town 
of  rubbish  and  giving  certified  milk  to  all.  They  .could 
take  a  daily  siesta  from  i  to  3  P.  M.  in  the  Parque  de 
la  Catedral  and  in  Parque  de  la  Iglesia  de  Santa  Ana, 
giving  the  town  rubbish  a  chance  to  form  fresh  milk 
for  afternoon  delivery.  It  would  be  a  blessing  to  our 
children  in  the  United  States  if  milch-goats  could  re- 
place milch-cows,  which  can  not  safely  be  starved  and 
neglected,  and  it  would  aid  materially  in  clearing  our 
homes  and  streets  of  tuberculosis  and  waste  paper 
— the  two  white  plagues. 

In  returning  we  passed  through  quaint  and  narrow 
streets  with  their  small  and  old-fashioned  houses, 
and  here  and  there  a  ruin.  Some  of  the  old  church 
ruins  are  very  picturesque  and  very  ruinous,  although 
none  of  them  so  ponderous,  pretentious  and  danger- 
ous as  was  our  old  Cook  County  court  building  at  Chi- 
cago, the  world's  most  magnificent  specimen  of  popular 
and  political  ruin.  "Si  caput  videas,  ferias,"  was  its 
motto,  and  for  a  long  time  it  threatened  to  crush  the 
head  of  the  solitary  passerby  who  did  not  keep  his  dis- 
tance, or  to  lie  down  suddenly  on  the  crowd  that  ven- 
tured too  near.  The  citizens  had  to  be  protected  against 
it.  Experts  on  architectural  degeneracy  reported  that 


ABOUT  TOWN  165 

its  angle  of  velocity  was  accelerated,  its  angle  of  repose 
faulty,  and  that  its  lateral  parts  showed  great  fatigue. 
So  complete  and  perfect  a  ruin  was  never  before  ma- 
tured at  so  rapid  a  rate.  It  made  a  new  record  and 
set  a  new  pace  for  municipal  dissolution,  for  without 
the  aid  of  quakes,  tornadoes  or  the  help  of  time,  it 
crumbled  so  rapidly  and  steadily  that  it  could  not 
be  kept  up  long  enough  to  get  into  guide  books  and 
attract  tourists.  Thus  Chicago  leads  in  ruin  as  well  as 
in  rush.  In  its  place  we  have  the  new  county  building, 
which  is  a  ruin  of  architectural  art — a  icolumnat- 
ed  parallelepiped.  Its  two-story  basement  is  an 
example  of  bewindowed  weakness.  Its  high  and 
heavy  columns  have  but  little  support  and  sup- 
port but  little;  they  are  too  stuck  up,  too  de- 
sirous of  being  looked  up  to.  But  Chicago  is  not 
yet  a  great  architect;  the  University  of  Chicago  is  a 
better  one.  Chicago's  specialty  lies  in  a  rampant  repe- 
tition of  rectangular  windows  without  any  walls,  its 
variety  in  a  massive  superfluity  of  meaningless  stone 
carved  and  crusted  with  architectural  trumpery;  its 
exception  in  an  occasional  magnificent  success. 

The  Panama  sidewalks  were  too  narrow  for  the 
enjoyment  of  a  walk.  In  order  to  walk  side  by  side, 
two  of  us  had  to  walk  on  the  cobblestones,  and  as  the 
third  one  was  too  polite  to  monopolize  the  whole  side- 
walk, we  all  walked  on  the  cobblestones,  and  thus  took 
up  the  whole  street.  But  as  we  never  met  a  vehicle 
in  these  parts  it  did  not  matter  except  to  our  feet.  We 
might  have  walked  single  file  on  the  sidewalk,  but  as 
I  was  the  only  one  not  too  polite  to  walk  ahead,  and 


1 66  TO  PANAMA 

both  of  the  others  were  too  polite  to  take  the  second 
place,  the  cobblestones  were  the  only  alternative.  An 
advantage,  however,  of  the  use  of  the  street  was  that 
we  did  not  have  to  step  off  the  sidewalk  into  the  de- 
pression intended  for  a  ditch  every  time  we  passed 
anyone.  This  passing  of  people  on  the  twenty-five 
inch  sidewalks  in  Panama  was  almost  as  difficult  as 
passing  people  in  Chicago  on  our  twenty-five  foot 
sidewalks. 

When  we  reached  the  hotel  it  was  time  for  an  appe- 
tizer, which  we  dutifully  drank  in  preparation  for  a 
tcmr-de-force  dinner.  I  formerly  thought  that  in 
the  tropics  men  lived  mostly  on  fruits,  rice,  light  vege- 
tables and,  if  they  worked  hard,  an  occasional  egg, 
taking  but  little  meat  or  greasy,  mixed  dishes.  But 
my  experiences  in  Cuba,  on  the  Italian  ship  and  in 
Panama  have  taught  me  that  the  people  eat  as  heartily, 
or  more  so,  of  greasy  food  as  in  northern  portions  of 
the  United  States,  where  we  subsist  too  much  upon 
our  home-made  cereals  that  overfill  and  underfeed  us. 

As  it  was  Thursday  evening  there  was  to  be  a  con- 
cert in  the  Plaza  de  la  Iglesia  de  Santa  Ana  at  eight 
o'clock,  and  my  companions  dined  with  some  friends 
in  town  preparatory  to  attending  it  with  them.  So  I 
had  to  go  through  the  paces  of  dinner  alone — and 
succeeded.  I  then  sat  around  the  hotel  corridor  until 
eight  o'clock  when  the  air  had  become  cooler,  but  not 
cool,  and  my  stomach  lighter,  but  not  light,  and 
strolled  leisurely  to  the  Plaza  de  la  Iglesia  de  Santa 
Ana,  about  half  a  mile  away.  The  musicians  were 
playing  in  one  corner  of  the  square  and  the  people 


ABOUT  TOWN  167 

promenading  in  the  park  which,  as  in  Plaza  Central, 
occupied  the  entire  square  except  the  peripheral  space 
taken  up  by  the  streets.  The  .men  were,  as  a  rule, 
dressed  in  evening  or  afternoon  dress,  as  if  for  pro- 
tection against  cold,  while  the  ladies  were  draped  in  all 
sorts  of  flimsiness  appropriate  to  the  weather — white, 
gauzy,  fleecy,  fluffy  and  pretty.  Their  clothes  were 
as  appropriate  as  those  of  the  men  were  inappropriate, 
which  is  quite  the  reverse  of  the  methods  of  dress  in 
the  North,  where  the  men  dress  for  comfort,  and  the 
ladies  for  the  men.  Around  and  around  the  outer 
edge  of  the  park  they  walked,  some  in  one  direction, 
some  in  the  opposite,  passing  and  repassing  each  other, 
laughing  and  talking  and  apparently  unconscious  of 
the  increasing  monotony  of  it  all.  But  a  large  pro- 
portion of  the  promenaders  were  young,  and  to  youth 
nothing  is  monotonous  but  inactivity. 

The  main  street  passed  by  the  plaza  constituting 
the  front  side;  the  church  occupied  the  opposite  side, 
forming  a  fine  background  with  the  dense,  electrically 
lighted  foliage  in  the  middle,  and  the  illuminated, 
brilliant  throng  moving  around  the  edges.  Whenever 
the  music  started,  the  crowd  became  more  animated 
and  the  whole  scene  presented  something  romantic  or 
fairylike  to  the  spectator.  The  music  was  of  a  loud 
Spanish  character,  very  appropriate  in  the  open  air, 
and  the  pieces,  which  varied  from  popular  to  classic, 
were  well  played. 

After  becoming  somewhat  weary  from  carrying  my 
course  dinner  around,  I  stepped  into  the  shadows  of 
the  trees  and  took  a  seat  on  a  bench  to  listen  with 


1 68  TO  PANAMA 

comfort  to  the  music,  and  watch  the  young  people 
chatter  and  enjoy  each  other  as  only  the  young  can. 
I  resolved  that  if  providence  or  a  vigorous  digestion 
should  ever  give  me  back  my  youth  I  would  make 
myself  enjoy  trifles  also.  But  some  men  never  grow 
young,  and  trifles  never  become  important  to  them. 

I  concluded  that  the  Panama  Physicians  must  also 
have  overfilled  stomachs  and  an  apathy  for  trifles, 
for  none  of  them  were  there  promenading  and  lemon- 
ading. 


CHAPTER  XI 

Town  Topics 

Waiting  for  the  Bull-fight — Daily  Newspapers — Death  from 
Yellow  Fever — Fate  of  Mr.  Dingler's  Family — Doctor 
Echeverrfa  Receives  the  Cablegram  at  Last — Walks  to 
the  Seashore — The  National  Lottery — The  Cathedral — 
A  Titled  Doctor  of  the  Past — Ruins — A  Ruin  within  a 
Ruin — Business  Hours — Baths  and  Economy  of  Water — 
Proposed  Improvements. 

The  next  two  days,  Friday  and  Saturday,  were 
days  of  waiting  for  the  Sunday  bull-fight.  Panama 
is  a  small  city  of  20,000  inhabitants  and  there  was 
nothing  doing,  as  the  saying  is,  excepting  the  walk 
to  the  cable  office  morning  and  evening  with  Doctor 
Echeverria  in  quest  of  the  cablegram  from  San  Jose 
that  had  not  arrived.  For  an  ignorant  person  like 
myself,  however,  who  had  gone  there  knowing  noth- 
ing about  the  ways  of  the  people  in  the  tropics,  and 
had  only  learned  a  couple  of  days  before  to  go  in  out 
of  the  sun,  there  was  interest  and  instruction  in  every- 
thing. 

I  spent  a  part  of  the  time  sitting  about  the  barber 
shop,  the  hotel  corridor  and  the  barroom  studying 
local  customs,  and  reading  the  daily  Estrella  (Star 
and  Herald)  and  El  Diario  (The  Daily).  The  news- 
papers were  printed  in  both  English  and  Spanish  and 

169 


1 70  TO  PANAMA 

contained  short  but  very  good  extracts  from  the  lat- 
est authenticated  world  news.  One  did  not  have  to 
read  twelve  illustrated  and  illuminated  pages  to  find 
two  doubtful  facts  that  would  be  contradicted  the 
next  day.  Much  of  the  talk  was  about  the  death, 
which  had  just  been  announced,  of  the  wife  of  Chief 
Engineer  Wallace's  secretary  of  yellow  fever.  The 
young  secretary  had  gone  North  to  marry  her,  and 
had  brought  her  to  Panama  to  become  a  victim  within 
a  few  weeks.  Her  death  cast  a  gloom  over  the  com- 
munity and  was  certainly  not  an  encouraging  and 
comforting  experience  for  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wallace. 
It  reminded  us  of  the  fate  of  Mr.  Dingier,  one  of  the 
chief  engineers  of  the  Panama  Canal  under  the 
French  regime,  who  brought  his  wife  and  two  sons 
to  Panama  and  lost  all  three  of  yellow  fever  in  one 
month.  His  troubles  produced  melancholia  and  he 
had  to  give  up  his  work. 

These  were  isolated  instances  of  such  misfortunes 
in  high  stations  of  life,  and  were  indicative  of  many 
equally  distressing  but  generally  unknown  or  quickly 
forgotten  ones  in  more  humble  stations.  This  does 
not  apply  to  the  Jamaica  negroes,  however,  who  think 
that  they  are  suffering  from  too  much  hygiene.  Instead 
of  yellow  fever  they  are  contracting  catarrh  and  pneu- 
monia in  their  new,  well-ventilated  sleeping  quarters. 
Health,  wealth  and  prosperity,  like  everything  else, 
should  be  enjoyed  in  moderation. 

On  Friday  evening  Doctor  Echeverria  received  the 
longed-for  cablegram  from  his  wife,  and  again  took 
interest  in  ordinary  mundane  trivialities.  I  missed 


TOWN  TOPICS  171 

our  walks  to  the  cable  office,  which  was  situated  at 
the  upper  end  of  the  city  where  it  extended  out  upon 
a  projecting  piece  of  land.  I  enjoyed  going  there  to 
gaze  at  the  picturesque  shores,  the  green  islands  and 
the  dark  blue  sky  and  sea,  and  feel  romantic.  These 
walks  also  took  care  of  considerable  superfluous  time 
that  would  have  been  spent  sitting  about  the  hotel, 
and  they  kept  us  in  touch  with  the  common  people  and 
cobble  pavements.  As  it  was  the  end  of  the  week, 
numerous  old,  half-breed  Indian  women,  and  an  oc- 
casional Chinaman,  wandered  about  the  streets  ped- 
dling tickets  for  the  Panama  National  Lottery,  which 
had  a  drawing  every  Sunday.  The  tickets  were  divid- 
ed into  halves  and  quarters  to  represent  the  fraction 
of  the  prize  one  paid  for,  but  did  not  draw.  Thus  one 
could  gamble  away  a  few  cents  or  a  few  dollars  week- 
ly, according  to  one's  pocket  and  one's  patriotism. 
The  lottery  is  a  devilishly  good  thing  for  a  country 
of  impoverished  people  because  it  lightens  taxation. 
To  those  who  believe  in  gambling  it  represents  the 
best  and  most  desirable  part  of  taxation  since  it  takes 
only  the  money  of  those  who  pay  voluntarily  and 
cheerfully.  It  also  collects  quite  a  sum  from  visiting 
strangers,  and  did  from  us.  I  bought  a  large  fraction 
of  a  ticket,  as  did  most  of  the  other  strangers,  and 
we  all  came  near  winning  something. 

In  our  peregrinations  about  town,  the  doctor  and  I 
went  through  the  cathedral,  but  saw  nothing  cheerful 
or  pretty,  although  the  altar  and  a  representation  of 
the  nativity  near  it  were  bright  with  gilt  and  gaudy 
coloring.  The  walls  everywhere  abounded  in  mor- 


172  TO  PANAMA 

tuary  tablets,  very  cheerful  and  comforting  things  to 
the  sick  and  the  dead,  but  very  uncomfortable  re- 
minders to  those  of  us  who  have  the  Greek  enjoyment 
of  living  untainted  with  a  fondness  for  the  contempla- 
tion of  dissolution.  The  church  contains  a  tablet  in- 
scribed to  a  physician,  Dr.  Joaquin  Morro,  which 
shows  him  to  have  been  titled,  according  to  the  proper 
forms  of  law,  for  public  services.  This  tablet,  to- 
gether with  the  fact  that  the  present  president  is  a 
physician,  shows  that  the  doctors  are  better  appreciat- 
ed in  Panama  than  with  us.  It  speaks  well  for  the 
Panama  doctors,  or  perhaps  worse  for  those  of  some 
other  countries. 

The  exteriors  of  the  churches  were  much  more  in- 
teresting to  me,  for  they  were  picturesquely  old,  typi- 
cally Spanish  in  style,  and  most  of  them  located  among 
surroundings  that  were  decidedly  medieval  and  sug- 
gestive of  strange  customs  and  superstitious  beliefs. 
As  a  rule,  the  ruins  were  roofless,  imperfect  shells  of 
past  glory  and  gloom,  with  perhaps  a  corner  or  small 
space  or  two  boarded  up  for  use  as  a  storehouse  or 
humble  dwelling  place.  As  we  passed  the  ruins  of 
the  old  Franciscan  Church  (a  new,  smaller  one  has 
been  erected  near  by) ,  I  saw  coming  out  from  a  board- 
ed space  in  the  walls  an  exact  counterfeit  of  the  witch 
of  Endor,  as  we  see  her  in  the  tragedy  "Macbeth," 
the  final  evolution  of  that  species  of  old  women  that 
nourish  themselves  and  their  house-plants  with  tea  and 
coffee.  She  was  a  sort  of  ambulating  mummy;  her 
face  and  head  mere  skull  bones  with  yellow  parch- 
ment drawn  over  them,  and  her  body  a  concatenation 


TOWN  TOPICS  173 

of  long  bones  held  in  line  by  some  rags  loosely  drawn 
around  them.  As  she  came  shuffling  out  from  between 
the  detached,  fragmentary  pillars  she  seemed  appro- 
priately housed,  a  ruin  within  a  ruin.  I  wondered 
how  much  rent  she  ought  to  have  been  paid  to  live 
there  among  the  lizards.  She  added  life  to  the  dead 
pile,  and  undoubtedly  added  romance  and  interest  by 
telling  fortunes  and  frightening  children. 

Across  from  these  human  and  divine  rooms  were 
little  dingy  shops  that  looked  like  small  square  ma- 
sonry cells,  relics  of  the  days  of  the  old  church.  Large 
double  doors  constituted  almost  their  entire  front,  and 
were  kept  open  for  light  and  air.  On  account  of  their 
smallness,  the  almost  complete  emptiness  of  visible 
merchandise  in  most  of  them,  the  absence  of  cus- 
tomers, and  the  miserable  appearance  of  the  inmates, 
I  asked  the  doctor  if  they  were  not  disreputable 
places.  He  assured  me  that  they  were  not,  but  that  as 
it  was  already  nine  o'clock,  the  business  of  the  day  had 
been  about  all  transacted.  The  owners  dealt  mostly  in 
perishable  provisions  which  were  sold  early  in  the 
morning,  and  there  was  but  little  left  for  them  to  do 
but  lounge  about  until  the  next  morning.  Thus  poverty 
and  leisure  and  content  often  go  together  in  the  trop- 
ical zone,  just  as  riches  and  leisure  and  discontent 
so  often  do  in  the  temperate  and  intemperate  zones. 

I  noticed  that  most  officials  and  business  agents  in 
Panama  had  office  or  business  hours  in  the  forenoon 
and  afternoon,  which  were  often  marked  on  the  doors 
or  windows.  This  enabled  them  to  enjoy  their  siestas 
and  cigarets  between  business  hours  without  being 


174  TO  PANAMA 

disturbed,  and  also  made  it  practicable  for  them  to 
finish  their  work  early  in  the  day.  The  compara- 
tively small  amount  of  work  done  by  business  men  in 
the  afternoon  would  lead  one  to  suppose  that  but  little 
was  done,  yet  the  best  work  is  done  in  the  early 
morning,  at  a  time  when  Northern  customers  are  not 
astir.  In  the  tropics  the  early  birds  catch  the  worms. 
In  the  North  the  proverb  speaks  of  only  one  early 
bird. 

I  had  given  up  hunting  after  baths.  I  could  not 
hear  of  any  tub  baths,  and  had  been  frightened  out 
of  the  notion  of  taking  shower  baths  by  a  visiting 
Central  American  doctor  who  was  waiting  to  attend 
the  Medical  Congress.  He  told  me  that  next  to  his 
seventy-five  cigarets  a  day  he  enjoyed  his  daily  cold 
shower  bath  at  the  house  of  a  relative  who  was  a 
druggist.  The  water  that  was  used  in  the  drug  store 
to  wash  bottles  and  things  with  was  run  into  a  reser- 
voir under  the  floor  and  used  for  shower  baths  in  the 
basement.  As  the  Panama  wells  were  drying  up  and 
plain  drinking  water  was  bringing  a  price,  it  occurred 
to  me  that  to  make  shower  baths  pay,  it  might  be  nec- 
essary in  bathing  establishments,  where  the  dishwater 
and  waste  water  would,  of  course,  be  insufficient  to 
supply  shower  baths  for  all  of  the  customers,  to  col- 
lect also  the  waste  water  from  the  baths,  pump  or 
carry  it  up  into  the  tank  and  use  it  over  again.  When 
the  water  became  soapy  enough  from  the  multitude 
of  baths,  to  look  dirty,  it  could  be  allowed  to  flow 
away  and  a  new  series  of  baths  be  started  on  the  same 
economical  plan.  Having  a  dread  of  beri-beri,  dengue, 


TOWN  TOPICS  175 

leprosy,  elephantiasis,  tropical  ulcers,  and  other  prev- 
alent ailments  of  more  or  less  contagious  nature  which 
had  their  habitat  in  Panama,  I  did  not  allow  myself  to 
deviate  from  my  previously  formed  opinion  that  cold 
private  sponge  baths  were  not  only  more  cleansing 
than  the  public  shower  baths,  but  were  more  availa- 
ble, reliable,  convenient,  comfortable  and  manageable. 

After  wandering  about  considerably  among  the 
streets  and  studying  the  business  facilities,  I  came  to 
the  conclusion  that  Plaza  Central  was  a  good  place 
for  a  residence  district,  but  that,  being  at  the  wrong 
end  of  the  town  from  the  railroad  station,  it  would 
soon  be  an  out-of-the-way  place  for  the  agencies  and 
business  houses  at  present  located  in  or  near  it.  When 
the  volume  of  business  would  become  greater,  the 
main  thoroughfare  would  have  to  be  made  wider,  or 
the  business  centered  nearer  to  the  station  or  trans- 
ferred to  the  mouth  of  the  canal,  for  nothing  ever  stays 
but  dirt  and  nothing  ever  lasts  but  time. 

Chief  Engineer  Wallace  had,  I  believe,  spoken  of 
a  plan,  which  carried  to  its  extreme,  would  mean  tear- 
ing down  entire  blocks  of  houses  for  long  distances 
and  enlarging  the  city  area  by  building  a  sea  wall  out 
at  the  edge  of  the  water  at  low  tide,  and  filling  in  with 
the  earth  excavated  from  the  canal.  But  Mr.  Wallace 
was  too  modern  and  reconstructive.  I  suppose  that 
a  gradual  change  of  the  business  center  will  be  the 
most  probable  solution  of  the  economic  problem,  leav- 
ing the  old  city  as  a  residence  district,  for  which  it 
would  be  well  located.  A  Chicago  real  estate  dealer 
would  make  a  beautiful  suburb  of  it. 


CHAPTER  XII 

The  Past  and  the  Present  Panama 

A  Visit  Planned  and  Given  Up — Difficulties — Buccaneer 
Henry  Morgan  and  President  Don  Juan  Perez  de  Guzman 
— Story  of  Morgan's  Expedition  against  Panama — Pray- 
ers Versus  Prowess — Starvation — Waiting  Ambuscaders 
— Leather  Soup — The  Miraculous  Feeding — Breakfast 
Food  for  Those  Who  Could  not  Walk — Making  a  New 
Road — Repulse  of  Don  Juan's  Cavalry — Repulse  of  the 
Cattle — Flanking  Movement — Victory  —  Fire —  Booty  — 
The  Filibusters  Filibustered  by  Morgan — Great  Britain 
and  Captain  Dampier — Chances  for  the  Poet,  Tourist, 
Artist,  Antiquarian  and  Lover — Something  New — Pana- 
ma has  Changed  Hands — But  for  Uncle  Sam  There'd 
be  Something  Doing  in  Panama. 

Doctor  Echeverria  and  Sefior  Arango  had  planned 
a  trip  to  the  old  city  of  Panama,  the  old-gold  city, 
founded  in  1518  by  Don  Pedro  d'Avila,  sacked  in  1673 
by  Sir  Henry  Morgan,  the  buccaneer,  and  rebuilt  on 
its  present  semi-peninsular  site,  where  it  is  inaccessible 
to  buccaneers  and  inconvenient  for  business.  ,  But  it 
was  a  whole  day's  trip  and  there  was  no  hotel  to  serve 
us  with  a  dejeune  a-la-fourchette  and  a  siesta.  Besides, 
we  would  have  to  find  a  guide  to  keep  us  from  fall- 
ing into  cellars  and  holes  overgrown  and  concealed 
by  such  profusion  of  vegetation  as  only  the  tropics 
can  produce  in  two  hundred  years.  The  doctor,  rather 

176 


THE  PAST  AND  PRESENT  PANAMA         177 

than  trust  to  a  guide,  thought  it  better  to  trust  in  God 
only  and  stay  away,  for  it  was  a  God-forsaken  place. 

Two  hundred  years  ago  the  citizens  made  their 
Creator  ashamed  of  them  by  succumbing  to  a  band  of 
exhausted  and  half-starved  buccaneers.  Sir  Henry 
Morgan  and  his  men  nearly  perished  of  hunger  in 
trying  to  cross  the  isthmus  while  Don  Juan  Perez  de 
Guzman,  president  of  Panama,  was  praying  and  eat- 
ing, and  keeping  tab  on  Morgan's  progress  and  his 
own  prayers,  instead  of  pleasing  God  by  killing  pi- 
rates. God  is  not  always  pleased  with  mere  praying. 
He  favors  doing,  and  sometimes  fighting,  as  the  fol- 
lowing narrative  would  seem  to  indicate. 

Montebello,  the  Colon  of  olden  times,  was  situated 
near  the  mouth  of  the  Chagres  River.  Sir  Henry 
Morgan  captured  and  sacked  the  town  and  sent  word 
to  Don  Juan  Perez  de  Guzman  that  he  would  call  upon 
him  soon  in  Panama.  He  was  desirous  of  seeing  the 
city  where  gold-dust  blew  about  and  blinded  people, 
where  the  cathedral  was  crusted  over  with  shells  of 
pearl  and  filled  with  ornaments  of  silver,  and  the  trees 
were  hung  and  festooned  with  jewels  to  keep  them  off 
the  grass.  He  wanted  his  share.  The  world  owed  him 
a  living,  etc. 

He  made  good  his  promise  the  next  year  (1670), 
thoroughly  prepared  for  the  work.  He  first  captured 
Fort  San  Lorenzo  that  guarded  or  should  have  guard- 
ed the  entrance  of  the  river — and  Don  Juan  P.  de  G., 
began  to  watch  and  pray.  Don  Juan  considered  him- 
self a  better  man  than  the  pirate,  and  thought  that 
the  Lord  was  with  him.  But  he  did  wrong  to  think. 
12 


178  TO  PANAMA 

Meanwhile,  Captain  Morgan,  with  1,200  men  and 
provisions  for  one  day,  started  merrily  up  the  Chagres 
River.  Food  was  too  bulky  to  carry,  and  about  all  he 
had  would  be  needed  by  those  he  left  in  charge  of 
San  Lorenzo.  Besides,  he  did  not  go  to  eat;  he  went 
to  fight.  He  took,  however,  five  large  scows  laden 
with  artillery  and  ammunition  to  offset  the  thinking 
and  praying  of  Don  Juan.  God  helps  them  who  help 
themselves,  and  Morgan  was  prepared  to  help  himself. 

Ambuscading  parties  showed  themselves  in  the  dis- 
tance occasionally,  but  they  were  to  do  the  watching 
part  of  Don  Juan's  program  and  always  retired  be- 
fore Morgan  got  near  enough  to  shoot  and  eat  any 
of  them.  Instead  of  fighting  and  letting  him  capture 
their  food,  they  retired  and  ate  the  food  themselves, 
saying:  "He  who  eats  and  runs  away  will  live  to 
run  another  day." 

Poor  Morgan !  The  food  lasted  one  happy  day.  On 
the  second  day  the  1,200  went  hungry.  On  the  third 
day  they  found  the  river  obstructed  by  fallen  trees. 
So  a  portion  of  the  buccaneers  carried  the  canoes  over 
the  obstacles  while  the  rest  cut  their  way  through  the 
dense  vegetation  beside  the  river.  All  of  the  artillery 
and  ammunition  that  could  not  be  thus  transported 
had  to  be  left.  But  Morgan  kept  right  on  to  the  sur- 
prise of  the  well-fed  watchers. 

On  the  fourth  day  the  filibusters  found  some  dried 
hides  at  Torna  Caballos,  cut  them  into  strips,  made  a 
stew  and  filled  themselves.  Such  a  meal  ought  to  have 
staid  by  their  stomachs  for  a  week.  At  noon  of  the 
fifth  day  they  found  two  bags  of  meal  in  the  deserted 


RUINED  TOWER  OF  OLD  PANAMA 


1 78  TO  PANAMA 

Meanwhile,  Captain  Morgan,  with  1,200  men  and 
provisions  for  one  day,  started  merrily  up  the  Chagres 
River.  Food  was  too  bulky  to  carry,  and  about  all  he 
had  would  be  needed  by  those  he  left  in  charge  of 
San  Lorenzo.  Besides,  he  did  not  go  to  eat ;  he  went 
to  fight.  He  took,  however,  five  large  scows  laden 
with  artillery  and  ammunition  to  offset  the  thinking 
and  praying  of  Don  Juan.  God  helps  them  who  help 
themselves,  and  Morgan  was  prepared  to  help  himself. 

Ambuscading  parties  showed  themselves  in  the  dis- 
tance occasionally,  but  they  were  to  do  the  watching 
part  of  Don  Juan's  program  and  always  retired  be- 
fore Morgan  got  near  enough  to  shoot  and  eat  any 
of  them.  Instead  of  fighting  and  letting  him  capture 
their  food,  they  retired  and  ate  the  food  themselves, 
saying:  "He  who  eats  and  runs  away  will  live  to 
run  another  day." 

Poor  Morgan !  The  food  lasted  one  happy  day.  On 
the  second  day  the  1,200  went  hungry.  On  the  third 
day  they  found  the  river  obstructed  by  fallen  trees. 
So  a  portion  of  the  buccaneers  carried  the  canoes  over 
the  obstacles  while  the  rest  cut  their  way  through  the 
dense  vegetation  beside  the  river.  All  of  the  artillery 
and  ammunition  that  could  not  be  thus  transported 
had  to  be  left.  But  Morgan  kept  right  on  to  the  sur- 
prise of  the  well-fed  watchers. 

On  the  fourth  day  the  filibusters  found  some  dried 
hides  at  Torna  Caballos,  cut  them  into  strips,  made  a 
stew  and  filled  themselves.  Such  a  meal  ought  to  have 
staid  by  their  stomachs  for  a  week.  At  noon  of  the 
fifth  day  they  found  two  bags  of  meal  in  the  deserted 


RUINED  TOWER  OF  OLD  PANAMA 


THE  PAST  AND  PRESENT  PANAMA        179 

village  of  Barbacoas,  and  accomplished  the  miracle 
of  feeding  1,200  men  with  two  bags  of  meal. 

Some  of  the  men  were  by  this  time  so  weak  that 
they  had  to  be  carried  into  the  boats,  while  many  of 
those  who  could  walk  wanted  to  turn  back.  Yet  they 
kept  on,  concluding  that  they  might  as  well  starve 
going  forward  as  going  backward. 

On  the  sixth  day  they  found  a  plantation  with  a 
barn  full  of  maize,  for  the  ambuscaders  had  expected 
them  to  starve  or  turn  back  before  reaching  this  plan- 
tation, and  had  not  destroyed  the  maize.  Nor  did 
they  defend  it.  Their  business  was  to  watch,  and  they 
could  not  watch  and  fight  at  the  same  time.  The  1,200 
thus  had  their  fill  of  breakfast  food,  and  some  to 
spare,  and  thus  were  revived  and  full  of  fight.  They  car- 
ried breakfast  food  to  those  in  the  canoes,  who  were 
too  weak  to  walk,  but  not  to  eat. 

On  the  seventh  day  they  crossed  the  river  and 
reached  Cruces,  the  head  of  navigation  of  the  Chagres 
River,  and  beheld  the  city  in  flames.  Here  they  found 
some  wine,  one  sack  of  bread  and  some  dogs  and  cats, 
which  they  ate  and  drank.  Then  they  were  taken 
sick;  and  Morgan  laid  it  to  the  wine,  which  was  a 
happy  thought. 

On  the  eighth  day  they  repulsed  an  Indian  am- 
buscade near  by,  and  lost  ten  men.  Before  they  left, 
they  were  caught  in  a  rainstorm,  which  was  more  seri- 
ous. As  they  had  no  houses  for  shelter,  they  put  the 
ammunition  in  holes  and  cellars  of  the  destroyed  houses 
to  keep  it  dry  while  they  themselves  passed  the  night 
taking  a  shower  bath. 


i8o  TO  PANAMA 

On  the  ninth  day  they  pushed  on  and  reached  El 
Cerro  de  los  Filibusteros,  and  took  their  first  look  at 
the  Pacific  Ocean.  Here  they  found  droves  of  horses, 
mules,  oxen,  etc.,  and  ate  them.  Spanish  cavalry 
appeared  often,  but  upon  seeing  the  pirates,  crossed 
themselves  and  withdrew,  not  wishing  to  be  fired  upon 
or  touched  by  such  a  horde  of  unholy  tramps.  Where 
was  Don  Juan  P.  de  G.,  P.  of  P.,  N.  G.?  At  prayers 
where  good  men  love  to  be.  He  thought  he  had  the 
faith  that  confoundeth  the  enemy,  forgetting  that 
there  is  no  faith  without  deeds.  In  the  meantime 
Morgan's  men  took  a  good  sleep  and  recuperated. 

On  the  tenth  day  Morgan  abandoned  the  regular  road 
which  the  watchers  and  waiters  had  prepared  to  de- 
fend with  cannon,  and  made  a  new  road  and  appeared 
on  a  hill  that  was  separated  from  the  city  by  a  plain. 
Here  the  Panamanians  assembled  400  horse,  2,400 
foot  soldiers  and  2,000  head  of  cattle,  males  and  fe- 
males, to  resist  the  buccaneers. 

The  cavalry  ran  out  at  Morgan,  floundered  about 
on  the  boggy  plain  and  retired.  The  cattle  then  were 
shoved  at  him,  but  they  were  no  braver  than  the  cav- 
alry and  were  stampeded  back  into  the  Panamanian 
lines,  causing  great  slaughter.  The  main  body  was 
then  flanked  by  Morgan's  left  wing  and  promptly 
routed.  Time,  two  hours.  Casualties,  600  Panaman- 
ians left  dead  on  the  field,  and  many  pirates  sent  to 
Satan. 

Don  Juan  N.  G.  then  had  the  town  set  on  fire,  and 
it  slowly  burned  down.  Indeed,  Don  Juan  played 
the  Muscovite  game  from  beginning  to  end.  But 
Morgan  was  only  fifty  miles  from  his  base,  with  which 


THE  PAST  AND  PRESENT  PANAMA        181 

he  had  already  established  communication,  and  was 
not  now  in  danger  of  starving  or  freezing.  In  fact, 
it  is  thought  by  some  authorities  that  Morgan  started 
the  fire.  Anyway  the  fire  burned.  Morgan  looked 
down  from  the  hill  and  said,  "Let  her  burn."  Don 
Juan  looked  up  from  the  flames  and  said,  "Let  us 
pray." 

Then  Morgan  rode  down  and  made  his  promised 
call.  He  and  his  fiendish  followers  staid  in  what  was 
left  of  Panama  for  four  months,  plundering  the  sur- 
rounding country  and  ravishing  the  women.  He  held 
as  many  prominent  persons  as  he  could  for  ransom, 
and  also  tortured  many  to  make  them  divulge  the  hid- 
ing places  of  valuables.  He  took  what  vessels  he 
found  in  the  port  and  scoured  the  South  Sea  for  many 
miles.  He  captured  a  few  stray  ships,  but  the  galleon 
upon  which  the  greatest  valuables  had  been  placed 
escaped  him.  He  then  returned  to  Fort  San  Lorenzo 
with  his  booty  and  gave  each  of  the  surviving  pirates 
$400,  pretending  to  divide  equally  with  them.  The 
pirates  accused  him  of  keeping  the  greater  part  of  the 
treasures  and  thought  themselves  poorly  paid  for  the 
work  they  had  done  and  the  risks  they  had  run.  Those 
who  were  sent  to  Satan  were  the  only  ones  whose  re- 
wards were  in  keeping  with  the  character  of  their 
work. 

Having  failed  to  get  a  ransom  for  the  castle  of 
Chagres,  he  demolished  some  of  its  walls  and  set 
sail  secretly  for  Jamaica,  leaving  the  majority  of  his 
men  behind,  and  almost  as  poor  as  before  the  expe- 
dition. God  did  not  help  Don  Juan,  but  he  hit  the 
pirates  hard.  Few  men  would  be  willing  to  do  so 


1 82  TO  PANAMA 

much  dangerous  work  for  so  little  pay.  There  cer- 
tainly were  and  are  many  honest  occupations  avail- 
able, even  for  the  most  ignorant  men,  that  pay  better 
in  the  end  than  trying  to  obtain  by  sword  cuts  or 
short  cuts,  what  belongs  to  others.  But  everything 
has  to  be  tried  and  exploited  in  this  immature  world, 
and  Henry  Morgan  did  pioneer  work.  As  a  reward 
for  this,  Henry  was  made  a  Sir  and  appointed  Lieu- 
tenant-Governor  of  Jamaica,  and  the  island  has  ever 
since  been  a  victim  of  the  four  elements.  These  were 
golden  days  for  buccaneers,  for  they  were  not  only 
tolerated  at  Jamaica  but  were  licensed  by  Great  Brit- 
ain to  rob  and  kill  Spanish  men  and  women,  and  to 
spend  the  money  and  sell  the  jewels  at  British  ports. 

A  paragraph  from  John  Evelyn's  diary  tells  the 
story : 

"1698,  6  Aug.— I  dined  with  Mr.  Pepys,  where  was 
Capt.  Dampier,  who  had  been  a  famous  Buccaneer, 
had  brought  hither  the  painted  Prince  Job,  and  print- 
ed a  relation  of  his  very  strange  adventure,  and  his 
observations.  He  was  now  going  abroad  again  by  the 
King's  encouragement,  who  furnished  a  ship  of  290 
tons.  He  seemed  a  more  modest  man  than  one  would 
imagine  by  the  relation  of  the  crew  he  has  assorted 
with." 

Surely  the  tourist,  the  poet,  the  artist,  the  anti- 
quarian, and  lover  of  the  romantic  past,  need  not  go 
to  Europe  or  Asia  to  find  ruin  and  romance,  dirt  and 
dreaminess,  the  splendor  of  nature  and  the  destruct- 
iveness  of  man,  to  find  history,  hallucination,  inspira- 
tion and  perspiration. 

Let  him  visit  the  solitary  ruined  tower  at  the  site 


THE  PAST  AND  PRESENT  PANAMA        183 

of  the  old  city  of  Panama  and  tumble  into  old  vaults 
and  ditches ;  let  him  study  the  church  ruins  in  the  pres- 
ent city,  and  buy  a  few;  let  him  live  in  the  dingy  old 
Spanish  houses  and  go  about  among  the  parti-colored 
inhabitants,  instead  of  traveling  in  Europe  among  his 
own  countrymen.  Let  him  study  the  history,  legends, 
superstitions,  customs  and  language  of  the  people 
and  be  satisfied.  If  not  let  him  go  to  Yucatan  and 
study  the  architecture  and  religion  of  the  Aztecs, 
which  are  not  modeled  after  guide  books,  and  let  him 
wander  and  dream  and  write  and  paint  and  see  some- 
thing new  under  the  sun,  that  really  is  under  the  sun. 
Europe  and  Asia  are  an  old  story. 

Panama  has  changed  hands  since  the  buccaneer 
period  when  the  buccaneers  did  all  of  the  fighting. 
Panamanians  now  have  less  money,  fewer  prayers 
and  more  fights.  They  have  not  a  praying  Don  Juan 
for  president — Don  Juans  should  not  pray.  Their 
chief  fault  is  that  they  believe  in  frequent  changes  of 
administration.  But  they  have  the  courage  of  their 
convictions,  and  the  army  has  always  been  ready  to 
act  upon  them,  pro  or  con. 

President  Amador  is  a  philosopher  and  believes 
that  an  ounce  of  prevention  is  worth  a  pound  of  cure, 
that  the  greatest  preventive  of  fighting  is  to  do  away 
with  the  fighters.  Hence  the  large  standing  army  of 
the  republic  has  been  disbanded  and  their  duties  given 
over  to  the  military  policemen.  Since  then  there  has 
been  a  revolutionary  stagnation,  a  slump  in  the  revolu- 
tionary market,  for  which  Uncle  Sam  is  said  to  be  re- 
sponsible. But  for  Uncle  Sam  there  would  have  been 
something  doing  in  Panama  before  this. 


CHAPTER  XIII 

New  Year's  Day  and  the  Sabanas 

Cathedral  Bells— The  Bawl  after  the  Ball— Ringing  in  the 
New  Year — Unique  Chimes — The  Musical  Score — A 
Drive  to  the  Sabanas — The  Suburban  Highway — Natives 
— Open  Prairie — Sefior  Arango's  Summer  Residence — 
Great  Variety  of  Flowers,  Fruits  and  Foliage — Good 
Cattle  Country — Fire-crackers — The  Siesta  Hour — A 
Quiet  Funeral—Ho!  for  the  Bull-fight. 

New  Year's  eve  I  was  awakened  at  midnight  by  the 
ringing  of  the  cathedral  bells,  which,  being  directly 
across  the  plaza  and  at  about  the  same  altitude  as  my 
open  window,  had  a  good  chance  at  me.  After  a  long 
time  the  noisy  tolling  ceased  and  I  again  dropped  off 
to  sleep.  But  I  was  hardly  asleep  when  I  was  awak- 
ened by  singing,  that  universal  type  of  popular  song 
that  has  its  source  in  the  saloon  where  good  cheer  is 
manufactured  for  holidays ;  where  holidays  are  howling 
days,  and  pay  days  are  heydays.  It  was  the  bawl  after 
the  ball,  and  commanded  attention.  As  New  Year's  day 
is  a  sort  of  Panama  Fourth  of  July,  both  as  to  tempera- 
ment and  temperature,  the  night  watchmen  considerate- 
ly allowed  the  singing  to  go  on,  although  they  probably 
kept  the  amateur  musicians  moving,  and  thus  distribut- 
ed the  noise  impartially  over  the  different  parts  of  the 
town.  At  any  rate,  the  noise  died  away  in  the  distance 

184 


NEW  YEAR'S  DAY  AND  THE  SAB  AN  AS     185 

long  enough  for  me  to  go  asleep,  when  it  came  back 
and  commanded  attention  again. 

At  six-thirty  in  the  morning  when  I  was  in  the 
depths  of  my  final  heavy  tenacious  sleep,  we  had  an- 
other musical  entertainment,  an  official  one  this  time. 
At  the  break  of  each  New  Year's  day  boys  were  hired 
to  pound  the  bells  in  the  cathedral  towers,  each  boy 
having  two  or  three  bells  to  strike  promiscuously  and 
loudly,  according  to  his  strength  and  inclination.  The 
rhythm  as  nearly  as  can  be  reproduced  was  as  follows : 

Ting-aling,  ting-tong,  ting-ting,  ating-tong,  go-it- 
boys-aping-pong,  right-along,  sing-song,  ring-wrong, 
hong-kong,  gong-gong! 

This  was  kept  up  right-along  until  the  boys  who 
did  the  hitting  must  have  been  tired  and  lame-shoul- 
dered, when  peace  again  reigned  in  the  air.  The  per- 
formance was  a  relic  of  old  Panama,  a  musical  ruin. 
Tooting  horns  and  blowing  whistles  would  have  been 
more  cheerful  and  practical. 

As  the  lottery  prizes  were  not  to  be  drawn  until 
noon,  nor  the  bull-fight  to  be  fought  until  four  o'clock, 
I  was  very  glad  to  take  a  drive  with  Doctor  Echeve- 
rria  and  Senor  Arango  to  the  latter's  country  resi- 
dence on  the  "sabanas"  or  "prairies."  But  for  the 
almost  continuous  succession  of  courtesies  shown  me 
by  the  doctor  and  his  friends,  time  would  have  hung 
heavily  on  my  hands  and  I  should  have  seen  and  un- 
derstood much  less  of  the  real  life  of  the  people.  My 
acquaintances  would  have  been  mainly  negro  cabmen 
and  American  travelers,  and  my  knowledge  that  of  the 
near-sighted  tourist  who  travels  hundreds  of  miles  in 


1 86  TO  PANAMA 

order  to  get  pointers  on  his  guide  book  and  commit 
a  few  well-known  facts  to  memory,  and  recite  them 
incorrectly. 

We  drove  through  the  town  and  out  on  the  high- 
way, quite  a  long  stretch  of  which  had  been  paved 
by  Sefior  Arango  himself.  The  road-bed  was  good, 
but  like  everything  else  in  a  country  that  had  been 
having  revolutions  every  two  years,  with  access  to  the 
treasury,  the  road  was  sadly  out  of  repair  and  must 
have  been  very  bad  during  the  muddy  season.  The 
horse  didn't  go  fast  enough  to  make  the  ruts  and 
ridges  objectionable,  however,  and  the  dust  and  heat 
were  the  only  things  to  interfere  with  the  enjoyment 
of  our  drive.  Arrangements  were  being  made  to  re- 
pave  the  highway,  which  was  the  only  pleasure  drive 
about  Panama.  This  and  the  repaving  of  the  Panama 
streets  are  undoubtedly  doing  something  toward  mak- 
ing life  livable  there. 

The  highway  and  surrounding  landscape  were  un- 
attractive for  a  short  distance  after  passing  the  rail- 
way station.  But  a  little  farther  on,  the  road  was  lined 
with  huts  in  front  of  which  native  laborers  who  were 
spending  New  Year's  day  at  home  were  gathered  with 
their  families ;  and  it  was  interesting  to  study 
the  crowd  of  mixed  races  of  all  shades  from  the 
white  Spanish  to  the  black  negro,  in  which  the  Indian 
and  negro  blood  seemed  to  play  a  predominant  part. 
I  was  reminded  of  Midway  Plaisance  at  the  Chicago 
World's  Fair  and  of  the  St.  Louis  Pike,  minus  the 
hallooing  and  calling.  The  low  brows,  narrow  fore- 
heads, coarse  features  and  dark  skin  gave  them  a  sort 


NEW  YEAR'S  DAY  AND  THE  SAB  AN  AS     187 

of  villainous  appearance  at  first  sight,  but  I  noticed, 
upon  looking  at  them  closely,  that  they  had  a  serious 
rather  than  sinister  expression  upon  their  faces.  I  also 
happened  to  remember  that  I  had  not  been  accosted 
by  a  beggar,  either  in  Colon  or  Panama.  Whether 
this  is  due  to  the  fact  that  all  men  find  work;  or  to 
the  scarcity  of  tourists  to  teach  them  to  beg;  or  to 
the  small  number  and  want  of  affluence  of  the  mem- 
bers of  the  better  classes,  rendering  the  profession  of 
begging  unprofitable;  or  whether  my  observation  was 
not  accurate,  I  do  not  know.  I  suspect  that  what  lit- 
tle it  costs  the  poor  to  live,  is  easily  earned,  but  not 
so  easily  begged.  However,  when  the  canal  is  fin- 
ished beggars  will  undoubtedly  appear,  among  other 
innovations. 

After  we  had  traversed  about  a  mile  of  this  subur- 
ban highway,  the  road  led  through  a  pleasant  stretch 
of  mildly  rolling  prairie-land  with  scattered  woody 
areas.  Occasionally  we  passed  a  farm-house  without 
much  farm  and,  here  and  there,  a  few  grazing  cattle. 
After  about  an  hour  of  slow  driving  we  came  to  two 
or  three  country  residences  and  soon  arrived  at  Serior 
Arango's. 

It  was  an  enclosure  of  five  or  six  acres  planted 
quite  thickly  with  a  great  variety  of  trees,  shrubbery 
and  flowers;  there  seemed  to  be  a  dozen  different 
kinds  of  fruit  and  flowering  trees,  many  of  them  not 
indigenous  to  Panama.  Flowers  unfamiliar  to  me 
grew  in  great  profusion  upon  bushes  and  small  plants, 
and  the  ground  was  strewn  with  limes,  mangoes,  and 
other  fruits  whose  names  I  knew  not.  Hence,  a  short 


1 88  TO  PANAMA 

walk  was  a  walk  of  great  interest,  and  was  especially 
pleasant  because  of  the  dense  shade  afforded  by  the 
thick  foliage.  The  house  was  a  story  and  a  half  high. 
One  side  of  the  lower  floor  was  entirely  made  up  of 
wide  doors,  allowing  it  to  open  up  almost  as  com- 
pletely as  if  it  had  no  wall  on  that  side,  and  the 
porches  were  wide  and  covered  by  the  projecting 
roof.  The  windows  and  large  door  spaces  could  be 
closed  with  lattice-work  that  kept  out  the  sun,  but 
not  the  air.  The  furniture  was  rustic  but  plentiful. 
A  dark-skinned  native  lived  apparently  in  one  of  the 
outhouses,  but  could  not  have  had  much  to  do  except 
to  watch  the  fruit  grow,  and  eat  it,  for  the  place  was 
evidently  quite  capable  of  taking  the  care  of  itself. 
The  foliage  was  too  thick  for  a  shaven  lawn  to  be 
cultivated  under  it,  and  there  was  no  spring  and  au- 
tumn "taking  up"  and  planting  of  delicate  bulbs,  or 
covering  of  roots  in  winter,  etc.  Once  planted  things 
required  almost  no  care;  flowers  and  fruits  matured 
and  fell  and  began  to  grow  again.  After  a  pleasant 
hour  spent  in  looking  about,  gathering  nosegays, 
tasting  fruits  and  cooling  off  in  the  rustic  shade,  we 
started  back. 

Farther  away  from  the  town  in  the  same  direction 
Senor  Arango's  father  had  a  larger  summer  resi- 
dence, and  still  farther  up  the  isthmus  had  a  farm  of 
several  thousand  acres  with  large  droves  of  cattle. 
The  sabanas  are  well  adapted  to  cattle-raising  and  good 
beef  is  plentiful  on  the  hoof.  But  the  transportation  fa- 
cilities are  poor,  for  the  country  has  neither  highways 
nor  railways. 


NEW  YEAR'S  DAY  AND  THE  SAB  AN  AS     189 

As  we  rode  back  we  found  the  boys  in  the  city  set- 
ting off  fire-crackers  and  enjoying  themselves  as  well 
as  they  could  in  a  city  with  scarcely  any  street-space 
or  yard-area.  Otherwise  the  only  activity  noticea- 
ble was  the  passing  of  lottery  ticket  venders  offering 
their  goods  for  the  drawing  at  noon.  The  hotel  was 
more  quiet  than  usual  on  New  Year's  day,  for  the 
father  of  the  proprietors  (two  brothers)  had  died  the 
day  before  and  was  to  be  buried  in  the  afternoon.  The 
barroom  was  closed  and  but  few  visitors  were  about 
except  those  who  came  to  visit  the  chamber  of  death. 

After  eleven  o'clock  breakfast  we  went  to  our 
rooms  to  take  a  short  siesta,  agreeing  to  meet  again 
at  half  past  three  and  go  to  the  bull-fight.  I  lay  down 
as  on  the  previous  day  and  began  thinking  of  the 
mestizo  bell  boy.  He  did  not  appear,  but  my  thoughts 
of  him  kept  me  awake  until  time  to  get  up  and  go 
down-stairs.  I  had  conquered  him,  but  I  could  sleep  no 
more. 

Descending  the  steps,  I  noticed  that  the  funeral 
cortege  was  preparing  to  leave.  The  body  had  lain 
in  state  all  day  and  had  been  visited  by  many  people. 
Some  services  were  apparently  being  held  in  the  room, 
but  I  heard  neither  singing  nor  other  music.  A  crowd 
of  citizens  in  black  clothes,  and  with  silk  hats  that 
had  evidently  been  caught  in  many  a  shower,  was 
waiting  in  the  corridor  near  the  street  door.  When  the 
body  was  brought  down  from  the  silent  room,  instead 
of  being  put  into  a  hearse,  it  was  borne  through  the 
streets  by  the  pall-bearers,  and  followed  by  the  rela- 
tives. All  went  on  foot  and  I  suppose  that  the  burial 


TO  PANAMA 

was  in  some  church  in  the  neighborhood.  It  was  an 
exceedingly  silent  and  sensible  funeraj,  but  probably 
could  not  have  been  conducted  so  simply  and  quietly 
in  a  large  city.  I  was  told  that  the  deceased  was 
Jewish,  a  fact  which  may  have  given  the  peculiar 
character  to  the  ceremony.  At  any  rate,  it  seemed  in 
good  taste  for  a  man  thus  to  leave  the  world  more  qui- 
etly than  he  had  entered  it. 

Soon  after  the  funeral  procession  had  disappeared, 
I  started  with  Doctor  Echeverria  for  the  courtyard 
of  the  International  Club,  where  the  bull-fight  was 
to  take  place,  prepared  for  the  sensation  of  my  life. 
I  wished  to  see  this  relic  of-  Spanish  medievalism,  yet 
dreaded  somewhat  the  expected  artistic  display  of 
killing  qualifications.  Two  bulls  were  to  be  killed. 


CHAPTER  XIV 

The  Bull-Fight 

We  arrived  at  the  amphitheater  a  little  before  four 
o'clock  and  found  everything  cheerful  and  lively  as 
befitted  the  occasion.  Men  and  boys  came  in  rapidly, 
took  their  seats,  lighted  cigarets  and  began  to  call  out 
and  joke  with  one  another  in  a  manner  characteris- 
tic of  the  Spanish  bull-fight  audience. 

The  arena  was  a  square  space  located  against  the 
side  wall  of  a  brick  house  and  enclosed  on  the  other 
three  sides  by  board  fences  about  six  feet  high.  Op- 
posite the  brick  wall  and  commanding  a  good  view 
of  it,  a  platform  had  been  built  for  the  common  multi- 
tude. On  another  side  of  the  square  was  a  similar 
platform  containing  boxes  for  the  alcalde  (mayor) 
and  aristocratic  few,  including  ladies.  On  the  fourth 
side  a  skeleton  fence  had  been  constructed  apparently 
for  the  benefit  of  children  who  could  see  but  could 
not  pay;  in  our  thrifty  country  the  wall  would  have 
been  built  so  as  to  prevent  the  children  seeing  through 
it.  The  doctor  and  I  occupied  chairs  among  the  com- 
mon multitude  and  had  the  best  location,  for  it  com- 
manded a  view  of  the  boxes  and  of  the  two  doors  of  the 
bull  pen  beneath.  On  each  of  the  four  sides  of  the  arena, 
and  about  eighteen  inches  from  the  fence  or  wall,  was 
built  a  strong  wooden  screen  wide  enough  to  conceal 

191 


192  TO  PANAMA 


GRAiH  CORRIDA  PARA  EL  DOMINGO,  ENERO  19  BE  1905. 

Coo  penmar  d«  U  antoridad  y  ii  el  tiempo  lo  perwita  M  lidiarao,  ea  »1 

PATIO  DEL    CLUB  INTERISlACIONAL. 

ciuco  bwvos  toros  da  1*  alauttda  gauderift 
"La  J»gua"  de  propiedad  del  tefior  Francisco  A-  MaUv,  de  los  cuales  seran 

DOS  DB  MUERTE  FOR  EL  ESPADA  "CHALEeO" 
La  corrida  sera  presidida  por  el  tefior  Alcalde  del-Distrito. 


Tbi  famoui  Spanish  Ball  fighter  and  MuUdor    "  CH  ALECO  *  will  kill  two  Ball  oa 
6auday  at  4  p.  in. 

Eutrftua*  to  Ball  Ring  below  the  "Interaatioual  Club?. 

Reserved.  SeaU  for.sala  on  Saturdry  at  the  Walk-Over  Shoe  Store  [American  Bazaar]. 


J03K  ^IMESKZ  (a)  C«»a-Aj><!lja.  -PEDRO  BAM1REZ  (a)  Rojalala. 

RAFAEL  LOPKZ  (a)  Hertizo;  -  ISMAKI.  MENDOZA  (a)  El  Polio. 


flOMBRE  DB  LOS  TOROS: 

!••  J?Z  FAXTASMA  DE  LA  ESQUWA.    g?  ELAtfARQUl$TA. 

**  EL  #0  riLERO.       4.  S>  ^Z  BISTURL 

6*  EL  RELAMPAQO. 

PRECIOS  DE  EIITRADA3 

Palco  con  4  entradas     $  10,00.          Sillas  de  preferencia     9  2,00. 
Gradas  „    1,50          Entrada  general  „     80. 

Lo&  «u<rada*  M  vendi-ran  dcsde  el  Sabado  hasta  el  Domingo  a  las  12  m,  en  *1  !BJU«O  y  afa- 
m*do  Almao4>  "Batar  Americano"  y  de  las  12  hasta  la<  4  p.  m.  en  la  BoleUrta  do  la  Plaza. 

KOTA  —  •  La  Banda  de  muiica  tooai-A  las  i<iezas  mfts  esoogidas  de  so  repertorio  modarno. 
La  corrida  eoipoiai  4  a  la*  4  p.  m.  No  BO  admiui  i  diuero  en  las  paertas  ni  ai-rojar  al  radon- 
4«l  obj«tos  gua  impidu  1m  lidia. 


THE  BULL-FIGHT  193 

four  men  standing  side  by  side.  Thus  wherever  the 
fighters  might  be  they  were  always  near  a  place  of 
safety. 

The  alcalde  appeared  promptly  at  four  o'clock,  and 
the  National  band  played  the  National  hymn.  While 
the  music  was  playing  and  the  audience  cheering,  a 
gate  opened  and  the  gaudily  dressed  matador  with 
his  five  butterfly  banderilleros  ran  in  and  bowed  be- 
fore the  alcalde.  They  wore  short  scarlet  cloaks,  skin- 
tight, emerald  knee-breeches  and  whitish  stockings. 
The  alcalde,  who  was  dressed  like  a  real  man,  was 
master  of  ceremonies  to  give  the  sign  to  begin,  to 
give  the  sign  to  kill,  and  to  give  the  sign  to  stop.  The 
matador,  or  killer,  threw  his  show  cloak  up  to  the 
box  of  the  alcalde  and  the  banderilleros,  or  dart-stick- 
ers, threw  their  show  cloaks  up  over  the  railing  at 
other  places  to  be  cared  for  by  admiring  spectators, 
for  they  used  old  cloaks  to  fight  with.  There  were  no 
picadores  or  mounted  lancers. 

The  music  ceased,  the  alcalde  nodded,  the  bugle- 
call  sounded,  the  matador  pirouetted  and  smiled,  and 
the  green  and  glittering  banderilleros  lined  up  beside 
the  doors  of  the  bull  pen.  One  of  the  doors  was 
thrown  open  and  the  audience  waited  in  suspense. 
Suddenly  out  ran  a  well-formed  animal  into  the  light 
and  looked  around  and  blinked  in  astonishment.  His 
name  was  "El  Fantasma  de  la  Esquina"  (The  Phan- 
tom of  the  Corner). 

The  five  banderilleros  began  to  flutter  about  in 
front  of  him  and  flaunt  red  cloaks  at  him.  This  he 
apparently  resented,  but  did  not  seem  to  know  which 

13 


I94  TO  PANAMA 

cloak  to  hook  at.  Finally  he  charged  at  one,  and  then 
at  another,  but  paid  no  attention  to  the  grass-colored 
banderilleros.  Before  long  one  of  the  latter  stepped 
up  and  gracefully  stuck  two  ornamental  barbed  darts 
into  his  shoulders.  This  made  the  audience  cheer  and 
caused  "Fantasma  de  la  Esquina"  to  run  about  and 
jump  and  kick  like  a  calf  until  the  darts  fell  off.  He 
was  then  pursued  and  teased  again.  But  his  moral 
nature  was  superior  to  that  of  his  pursuers,  for  when 
they  spanked  him  on  one  side  he  jumped  around  and 
presented  the  other.  He  only  tried  to  defend  himself 
against  the  cloaks,  the  only  things  whose  evil  inten- 
tions he  seemed  to  suspect. 

"No  sirve"  cried  the  crowd.  (No  good.) 

And  so  thought  the  alcalde.  The  bull  was  unwor- 
thy of  death.  He  didn't  know  a  red  cloak  from  a 
green  banderillero. 

"To  his  pen,  to  his  pen,"  they  cried.  The  alcalde 
nodded,  and  the  amiable  bull  was  driven  back,  and 
was  a  phantasm  of  the  past. 

Another  bugle-call  and  another  well-fed  bull,  "El 
Anarquista"  ventured  out.  As  he  emerged  from  the 
door  a  couple  of  the  barbed  darts  with  gay  ribbons 
on  them  were  stuck  into  his  shoulders.  Like  the 
"Fantasma"  he  bounded  and  kicked  and  stuck'  up  and 
crooked  his  tail  until  the  darts  fell  off,  at  which  he 
seemed  greatly  pleased,  and  quieted  down  for  a  rest. 
However,  the  red  cloaks  kept  bothering  him,  so  he 
made  a  short  charge  at  one  of  them  and  then  ran  to 
one  side  out  of  their  way.  But  the  cloaks  got  after 
him  like  mosquitoes,  so  he  charged  another  one  and 


THE  BULL-FIGHT  195 

then  trotted  about  aimlessly,  as  if  reasoning  that  to 
keep  running  was  the  best  way  to  keep  from  being 
stung.  A  couple  of  darts  were  again  hooked  into  his 
shoulders,  making  him  show  his  capers  again  until 
they  were  shaken  off.  "El  Anarquista"  was  also  sen- 
tenced to  live  and  was  shooed  back  to  his  pen.  There 
was  nothing  in  his  name. 

The  third  bull,  "El  Novillero,"  the  Greenhorn  of 
the  Arena,  received  a  dart  in  his  shoulders  as  he  came 
out,  and  bounded  to  the  center  of  the  arena  as  if 
looking  for  trouble.  He  kicked  at  the  sky  and  snort- 
ed at  the  ground  and  charged  vigorously  at  the  red 
cloaks,  and  sent  banderilleros  scurrying  behind  the 
screens  and  one  of  them  over  the  back  fence.  He  also 
charged  one  of  the  screens,  producing  an  exhilarating, 
reverberating  sound  as  his  horns  struck  it,  and  win- 
ning the  applause  of  the  populace.  This  full  charge 
upon  the  screen  was  by  far  the  most  exciting  thing 
that  had  happened. 

After  receiving  some  more  darts  in  his  shoulders 
he  charged  again  and  ran  straight  after  one  of  the 
banderilleros  who,  however,  outran  him  and  thus 
reached  the  screen  and  was  safe.  This  is  the  first  time 
any  of  the  bulls  had  really  gone  after  a  man.  He  was 
the  first  one  whose  intelligence  was  anything  like  a 
match  for  that  of  his  antagonists.  But  even 
this  bull  did  not  want  to  hurt  any  one.  His  attitude 
was,  "Let  me  alone  or  I'll  hook  you.  Keep  your  dis- 
tance or  I'll  chase  you." 

To  me  this  fellow  seemed,  taking  him  for  all  in  all, 
brave  enough  to  die  for  the  benefit  of  Panamaniac 


196  TO  PANAMA 

sport,  but  the  alcalde  thought  not  and  the  banderil- 
leros  tried  to  drive  him  back.  But  he  would  not  go. 
He  was  afraid  to  turn  his  short  tail  toward  them 
long  enough  to  go  through  the  door  for  fear  they 
would  stick  a  pin  into  him.  So,  after  many 
futile  efforts  to  drive  him  they  let  all  of  the 
other  bulls  into  the  arena,  "El  Fantasma"  "El  Anar- 
quista"  "El  Bisturi"  (Lancet)  and  "El  Relampago" 
(Lightning).  "El  Novillero,"  the  cautious,  got  into 
the  midst  of  them  and  they  were  all  driven  back  into 
the  pen  as  a  herd.  It  was  perfectly  disenchanting. 

Another  bugle  call  for  another  bull.  After  some  hesi- 
tation "El  Bisturi"  ran  out  and  received  two  darts,  but 
he  jumped  and  kicked  cow-fashion  until  he  finally  also 
shook  them  off.  Either  hides  were  tough  that  day  or 
barbs  were  dull,  for  not  a  dart  had  remained  sticking. 
Then  the  routine  teasing  began.  He  shook  his  horns  at 
the  cloaks  and  charged  them  once  or  twice;  then  ran 
away  and  was  kept  running  all  over  the  arena,  fright- 
ened and  confused  at  the  number  of  cloaks  waving  at 
him  from  all  sides.  "El  Bisturi"  was  the  greatest  run- 
ner of  them  all. 

"No  sirve,  no  sirve"  shouted  the  gods.  "De  nos 
nuestra  plata"  (Give  us  our  money.) 

The  alcalde  smiled,  gave  the  usual  signal  and  "El 
Bisturi"  was  driven  back  to  his  fodder. 

A  fifth  bugle-call  and  out  came  "El  Relampago" 
(The  Lightning).  He  kicked  at  the  clouds,  shook 
off  the  darts,  charged  the  cloaks,  then  stopped  and 
shook  his  horns  at  them,  and  after  having  had  his  lit- 
tle sport,  stood  still  and  wondered  what  it  was  all 


THE  BULL-FIGHT  197 

about  anyway.  They  teased  him,  but  he  lost  interest 
in  the  game,  although  by  means  of  head  shakes,  bluffs 
and  short  charges  he  chased  two  men  behind  the 
screens. 

One  of  the  banderilleros  wished  to  show  off  and 
tried  to  practice  a  trick  of  the  trade.  When  the  bull 
made  a  short  charge  at  his  cloak  the  trickster  jerked 
up  the  cloak  and  whirled  around  so  as  to  present  his 
unprotected  back  to  the  horns  of  the  bull.  He  should 
have  waited  until  the  bull  had  completed  his  charge 
at  the  cloak  and  he  would  have  been  safe,  but  he 
chose  the  time  badly  and  "El  Relampago  ran  into 
him.  But,  the  cloak  having  disappeared,  the  bull 
raised  his  head  and  merely  hit  the  fellow  inadvertently 
on  the  shoulders  with  his  nose,  instead  of  the  other 
place  with  his  horns,  and  thus  raised  a  laugh  instead 
of  lifting  the  man.  "El  Relampago''  was  a  humorist 
and  a  bluffer ;  but  there  was  no  sting  to  his  satire.  He 
was  apparently  more  afraid  of  injuring  what  he  con- 
sidered to  be  one  of  his  masters,  than  the  banderillero 
was  of  being  hurt  by  him.  He  might,  instead  of 
stopping  like  a  horse  caught  by  the  bridle,  have  low- 
ered his  powerful  head  again  and  given  the  fellow 
a  boost  to  a  warmer  place  than  Panama. 

"No  sirve.  Otro,  otro,"  cried  the  crowd.  (No  good. 
Another,  another.) 

But  "El  Relampago"  was  the  last  of  the  supply  of 
gladiatorial  beef,  so  the  alcalde  signaled  to  have  it 
killed. 

"Es  un  asesinado.  No  lo  asesinar"  (It's  an  assas- 
sination. Do  not  assassinate  him),  yelled  the  crowd. 


198  TO  PANAMA 

They  wanted  blood,  but  they  wanted  fighting  blood, 
not  slaughter-house  gore. 

But  the  smiling  matador  stood  before  the  box  of  the 
alcalde  with  both  hands  raised  to  receive  the  official 
nod.  The  alcalde  nodded,  partly  from  drowsiness, 
whereupon  the  matador  turned  and  danced  off  quick- 
ly, like  a  martinette,  toward  the  door  and  received  his 
sword. 

The  sword  was  a  beautiful  one,  long  and  slender, 
and  so  bright  that  it  was  only  visible  in  the  restless 
hand  of  the  bull-fighter  by  its  flashing.  He  ran  nim- 
bly toward  his  victim,  flourishing  the  weapon  grace- 
fully and  ostentatiously,  and  began  confusing  the 
tired,  ill-conditioned  and  unsuspecting  bull  by  swing- 
ing a  cloak  before  his  eyes.  The  bull  did  not  move, 
except  slightly  with  his  head  as  he  was  being  hyp- 
notized. Suddenly  there  was  a  flash,  and  the  man 
stabbed  the  animal  who  had  been  so  anxious  not  to 
injure  him.  The  deed  was  done  so  quickly  that  Doc- 
tor Echeverria,  whose  sympathies  were  probably 
slowing  down  his  mental  action,  did  not  see  it  done. 

The  bull  stood  still  for  a  moment,  then  turned  and 
ran  to  the  center  of  the  arena  and,  as  it  happened, 
faced  the  alcalde  who  had  ordered  his  death,  and  was 
thus  doing  his  best.  He  stopped  still,  lowered  his 
head,  began  to  breathe  heavily  and  lolled  out  his 
tongue.  He  showed  great  distress  and  was  evidently 
bleeding  internally.  He  stood  that  way  for  a  few  mo- 
ments, then  walked  to  the  corner  near  his  pen  and 
slowly  lay  down  with  his  head  drooping  until  his 
nose  nearly  touched  the  ground.  He  evidently  did 


THE  BULL-FIGHT  199 

not  understand  how  this  trouble  and  suffering  had 
come  to  him. 

The  matador  in  the  meantime  strutted  proudly  in 
front  of  the  seats  with  hands  up,  smiling  and  bowing 
for  compliments  that  were  not  showered  upon  him. 

Two  negro  menials  went  behind  the  dying  bull  to 
put  on  the  finishing  touches.  The  bull  lifted  up  his 
head  and  turned  it  toward  them,  but  not  with  his 
former  half-defiant,  half-playful  expression.  It  was 
an  expression  of  half  alarm  and  half  entreaty,  and 
said  as  plainly,  and  much  more  forcibly,  than  words 
could  have  done,  "Why  did  you  hurt  me?  Don't 
come  at  me  again.  I'm  sick.  I  did  nothing  to  any  of 
you."  And  he  lowered  his  head  again,  and  laid  it  down 
on  the  ground,  resigned  to  die,  caring  no  longer  what 
they  did. 

"Asesinado,"  cried  the  crowd.     (Assassinated.) 

"Asesinado,"  re-echoed  in  every  breast. 

"De  nos  nuestra  plata,  Senor  Alcalde,  de  nos  nues- 
tra  plata.1'  (Give  us  our  money.) 

One  of  the  menials  got  behind  the  prostrate  bull's 
head  and  began  sticking  a  narrow  dagger  into  the 
back  of  his  neck,  trying  to  find  and  sever  the  spinal 
cord.  After  three  or  four  stabs  the  object  was  ac- 
complished, for  the  bull's  body  relaxed  with  sudden 
paralysis.  Thereupon  the  negro  cut  the  paralyzed 
animal's  throat  wide  open,  and  blood  poured  out  as 
from  a  street  hydrant.  His  limbs  twitched  a  little 
and  he  relaxed  in  death — and  no  one  seemed  to  enjoy 
it.  It  was  much  less  satisfactory  than  a  packing-house 
exhibition. 


200  TO  PANAMA 

Then  they  brought  in  two  little  mules  in  traces, 
hooked  a  rope  around  the  dead  animal's  horns  and 
tried  to  drag  him  out.  The  mules  started  and  dragged 
him  to  the  center  of  the  arena,  with  his  nose  digging 
deep  into  the  dirt  so  as  to  impede  their  progress.  At 
the  center  the  mules  stopped  and  gave  up  the  task, 
upon  which  two  negroes  got  in  front  and  pulled  at 
their  heads,  while  another  negro  whipped  them  vig- 
orously from  behind.  They  started  up,  took  a  few 
more  steps  forward  and  gave  it  up  again. 

"Whip  the  front  mules,"  cried  one  of  the  gods,  re- 
ferring to  the  negroes  who  were  pulling  the  mules — 
and  the  gods  laughed. 

Finally,  by  pulling  and  pushing,  the  negroes  suc- 
ceeded in  getting  the  dead  bull  out,  one  taking  hold 
of  the  tail  and  bending  it  over  its  back  to  pull  with. 

Only  one  bull  had  been  killed  and  our  desire  for 
gore  was  supposed  to  be  incomplete.  Our  expecta- 
tions were  not  realized.  As  no  horses  were  to  be 
gored  we  did  not  get  much  for  our  money,  and  had 
a  right  to  see  another  bull  killed  as  per  program.  In 
Spain  a  man  rides  a  blindfolded  horse  in  front  of  the 
bull  and  prods  him  in  the  forehead,  until  he  disem- 
bowels the  horse.  So  another  animal  was  admitted, 
undoubtedly  one  of  the  first  ones  who  had  fought. 
He  looked  like  "El  Anarquista"  and  acted  like  him, 
for  he  could  not  be  made  to  show  fight — he  had 
learned  that  there  was  nothing  in  it  for  him  except 
a  title  that  was  not  worth  dying  for.  Hence  he  was 
ignominiously  driven  back,  like  a  tame  bossie  cow. 

Then  they  let  in  one  whose  bloody  shoulders  bore 


THE  BULL-FIGHT  201 

evidence  of  the  previous  encounter  with  darts  and 
banderilleros.  He  charged  a  little,  but  only  in  self- 
defense.  This  was  the  third  of  those  who  had  been 
introduced,  "El  Novillero,"  the  Greenhorn  of  the  Are- 
na, the  only  one  who  had  shown  any  spirit.  But  that 
was  out  of  him  now  and  he  was  as  unwilling  to  do  any 
harm  to  his  masters  as  the  others  had  been. 

The  alcalde  made  a  signal  to  stop  the  farce  and  the 
show  collapsed.  Some  got  up  to  go  and  some  sat 
still;  but  no  one  paid  any  attention  to  the  bull,  who 
stood  where  he  had  been  left  and  contemplated  the 
moving  crowd  with  wonder  and  uncertainty.  How- 
ever, he  seemed  quite  contented  to  be  a  spectator. 

The  doctor  and  I  sat  silently  in  our  seats,  not  be- 
ing sufficiently  excited  either  to  say  or  do  anything, 
when  unexpectedly  the  most  interesting  part  of  the 
entertainment  commenced.  A  boy  nine  or  ten  years 
old  crept  over  the  low  fence  and  sneaked  toward  the 
screen  in  front  of  the  brick  wall  near  which  the  bull 
stood,  and  ran  behind  it.  Then  he  stepped  forth, 
held  out  his  hand  and  when  the  bull  looked  at  him 
jumped  back.  Immediately  two  other  boys  who  were 
on  the  fence  climbed  down  and  sneaked  behind  the 
screen,  and  also  tried  to  tease  the  bull,  who  now  placed 
himself  on  the  defensive.  More  boys  jumped  down 
into  the  arena  and  began  to  leap  about  near  the 
screens  and  whistle  and  halloa  at  the  astonished  "No- 
villero" As  there  were  now  too  many  little  fellows 
in  the  enclosure  to  find  room  behind  the  screens,  I 
began  to  fear  for  their  safety.  The  noise  and  antics, 
however,  of  so  many  little  devils  seemed  to  confuse 


202  TO  PANAMA 

the  dumb  gladiator,  and  he  merely  remained  on  the 
defensive,  making  feints  at  those  who  ventured  near 
him. 

Bye  and  bye  a  boy  about  fifteen  years  of  age  pro- 
cured one  of  the  red  cloaks,  ran  up  to  the  bull  and 
shook  it  in  his  face,  while  he  himself  stood  at  one  side 
of  it.  The  bull,  who  was  not  afraid  of  cloaks,  made 
a  sort  of  short  bluff  charge  at  it  and  as  he  passed  the 
boy  almost  grazed  him,  for  he  was  so  near  the  brick 
wall  that  there  was  hardly  space  for  sidestepping. 
The  boy  repeated  the  maneuver  and  so  did  the  bull, 
who  was  becoming  trained  to  the  cloak  charging  ex- 
hibition and  acquitted  himself  like  a  trained  dog.  This 
greatly  amused  the  spectators  who  knew  what  a  sim- 
ple matter  it  was  to  let  a  bull  charge  at  a  cloak  with 
closed  eyes,  for  they  always  close  their  eyes  just 
before  striking  the  object  of  attack.  This  closing  of 
the  eyes  is  what  gives  the  banderilleros  the  oppor- 
tunity of  performing  apparently  perilous  antics  right 
in  the  path  of  a  bull,  who  also  completes  his  charge 
when  he  strikes  the  cloak,  particularly  if  he  considers 
himself  merely  on  the  defensive,  as  most  of  them  do. 

There  were  now  about  forty  little  boys  in  the  arena, 
and  when  the  boy  with  the  cloak  got  tired  the. whole 
crowd  of  children  rushed  toward  the  animal,   who 
backed  up  against  the  wall  and  stood  at  bay  with" 
head  down.    Now  for  some  broken  bones,  I  thought. 

Little  by  little  the  crowd  grew  bolder  and  came 
quite  close  to  him.  Giving  plenty  of  warning,  he 
made  a  short,  slow  charge  at  them  and  sent  them 
scattering  and  hooting  and  yelling  in  all  directions. 


THE  BULL-FIGHT  203 

A  cow  would  have  hooked  them.  After  a  couple  of 
similar  bluffs  he  started  on  a  trot  after  them,  stopped 
in  the  middle  of  the  arena,  then  went  back  to  the  wall 
and  again  assumed  a  restful  defensive  attitude.  He 
was  a  good  bull  to  have  about  children.  Evidently 
he  did  not  wish  to  injure  any  one,  and  I  think  that 
but  for  the  recollection  of  the  severe  treatment  he 
had  received  from  the  banderilleros  previously,  he 
would  have  entered  into  the  spirit  of  the  game  with 
the  boys  and  would  have  enjoyed  it.  And  yet  this 
*  animal  had  been  brought  in  to  be  pricked  with  barbed 
darts,  teased  with  red  cloaks,  stabbed  with  a  sword, 
to  have  his  spine  transfixed  and  his  throat  cut — rough 
treatment  for  an  animal  who  refused  to  harm  the 
children.  We  left  the  children  playing  with  him. 

Doctor  Echeverria  had  not  discussed  the  bull  farce 
at  the  time,  nor  did  he  do  so  on  the  way  back  to  the 
hotel,  but  while  we  were  at  dinner  he  suddenly  said 
in  his  gentle,  deliberate  way: 

"Do  you  know,  doctor,  there  are  some  things  we 
see  in  our  lives  that  we  can  never  forget,  things  that 
mark  off  periods  in  our  lives?  I  feel  that  this  bull- 
fight is  one  of  those  things/' 

"You  are  right,"  I  said,  trying  to  cheer  him.  "Il 
was  neither  a  bull-fight  nor  a  bully  fight,  it  was  mere- 
ly a  fight  between  bulls  and  bullies." 

In  the  evening  the  regular  Sunday  open-air  con- 
cert was  given  in  the  Parque  de  la  Catedral,  in  front 
of  Hotel  Central.  We  did  not  go  out  and  prome- 
nade, for  with  the  morning  excursion  to  the  sabanas 
to  tire  us,  the  funeral  to  depress  us,  the  bull-fight  to 


204  TO  PANAMA 

haunt  us,  and  our  failure  to  win  at  the  lottery  to 
shame  us,  we  were  content  to  retire  early  and  listen 
to  the  music  and  mosquitoes  through  the  bars. 

I  lay  listening  to  the  well-played  music,  sometimes 
loud  and  martial  as  for  soldiers  marching  to  battle, 
at  other  times  rhythmic  and  sensuous  as  for  dancing, 
or  soft  and  sentimental  as  for  love-making,  until  I 
fell  asleep  to  dream.  I  dreamed  of  a  place  where 
there  was  no  killing  for  sport,  no  premature  dying  from 
disease,  no  gambling  with  lottery  tickets,  no 
scale  of  unearned  wages,  no  rivalry  for  luxury  and 
no  system  of  imposition  upon  the  weak  by  the  crafty. 
Such  a  world  there  is,  but  it  is  in  the  region  of  the 
spirit  or  in  the  land  of  dreams,  not  in  Panama  nor  in 
Pan-America. 


PART  II 


THE  PAN-AMERICAN 
MEDICAL  CONGRESS 


PART  II 


CHAPTER  I 

The  Opening  of  the  Congress 

Preparations  for  the  Congress — Secretary  Calvo — President 
Icaza's  Hospitality — Arrival  of  the  Western  Contingent — 
Doctors  and  Drink — Reception  by  Doctor  Amador, 
President  of  Panama — The  Palacio  de  Gobierno — Former 
Presidents  and  Governors — Mrs.  Amador — The  President 
— Revolutions  and  Their  Origin — Opening  Exercises 
of  the  Congress — Eastern  Contingent  Absent — The 
$25,000  Barrel — Speeches  by  Mr.  Wallace,  Mr.  Robinson, 
Doctor  Gorgas,  and  Music  by  the  Band — The  Panama 
Railway — Poetry  and  Prophecy  by  Punch. 

On  Monday,  January  2nd,  the  preparations  for  the 
Pan-American  Medical  Congress  began  in  earnest.  Dr. 
Jose  E.  Calvo,  the  secretary,  with  a  smile  that  never 
came  off,  worked  like  a  little  Hercules  for  the  con- 
gress that  almost  never  came  off.  Upon  his  shoulders 
rested  the  responsibility  of  making  preparations  for 
the  scientific  program,  and  although  he  was  the  whole 
thing,  so  to  speak,  he  was  not  even  hustling  and  im- 
patient in  his  demeanor.  His  affability  was  so  great 
and  his  manners  so  quiet  that  he  really  seemed  meek, 

207 


208  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

as  all  high  officials  should.  High  officials  so  often  for- 
get that  they  are  servants. 

The  president  of  the  congress,  Dr.  Julio  Icaza,  had 
no  time  to  smile.  In  preparing  for  the  social  part  of 
the  program  he  did  a  prodigious  amount  of  work  that 
will  never  be  appreciated  by  those  who  went  to  be 
entertained,  and  found  it  so  easy.  Early  in  the  after- 
noon he  arrived  from  Colon,  with  our  Western  con- 
tingent. He  and  Senor  Obarrio,  the  treasurer  of  the 
Republic  of  Panama,  who  had  $25,000  to  devote  to 
the  entertainment  of  the  Medical  Congress,  had  gone 
to  receive  as  befitted  the  profession  of  Panama  to  re- 
ceive, and  the  profession  of  the  republic  that  had  done 
so  much  for  Panama  to  be  received.  The  treasurer 
expressed  the  visitors  through  from  Colon  to  Panama 
free  of  charge  and  I  am  sure  that  President  Icaza 
gave  them  the  South  American  pledge  of  hospitality; 
for,  from  first  to  last,  he  omitted  no  essential  and  neg- 
lected no  individual.  In  the  evening  he  invited  Doc- 
tor Echeverria  and  me  into  the  barroom  and  main- 
tained the  elevated  dignity  of  his  office,  his  congress 
and  his  country  by  toasting  the  United  States  over  a 
bottle  of  champagne. 

Champagne  is  the  only  appropriate  drink  for  an 
international  toast.  It  meets  the  requirements  of 
courtly  etiquette  and  social  aristocracy.  It  has  the 
favor  and  patronage  of  kings  and  connoisseurs,  and 
is  adopted  and  bruited  by  the  nobility  abroad  and  the 
capitalists  at  home.  It  is  the  royal  nectar,  the  spar- 
kling sip,  the  golden  prod  of  pampered  palates,  the 
coveted  badge  of  aping  mediocrity,  the  ostentatious 


THE  OPENING  OF  THE  CONGRESS          209 

smack  of  upstart  opulence.  Therefore,  let  those  who 
can  afford  aristocratic  dissipation  and  affect  the  dis- 
tinction of  highborn  headaches  drink  it  and  feel  proud 
and  pampered.  But  those  who  are  less  ambitious  can 
find  choicer  bouquets  in  cheaper  wines. 

Among  the  feted  and  dead-headed  travelers  I  rec- 
ognized Dr.  N.  Senn,  Sr.,  Dr.  Lucy  Waite,  Dr.  and 
Mrs.  D.  R.  Brower,  and  Drs.  Jacob  Frank,  H.  P. 
Newman,  A.  B.  Hale  and  C.  G.  Wheeler,  all  of  Chi- 
cago; Dr.  Chas.  W.  Hughes  of  St.  Louis;  Dr.  and 
Mrs.  George  W.  Crile  of  Cleveland;  Dr.  Morrow  of 
San  Francisco;  Dr.  and  Mrs.  Palmer  of  Janesville, 
Wis. ;  Dr.  and  Mrs.  Edgar  P.  Cooke  of  Mendota,  111. ; 
and  Dr.  and  Mrs.  Wilcox  of  Michigan  City,  Ind. 

Things  immediately  became  lively  about  the  hotel 
corridor  and  barroom.  A  new  world  greeted  the 
pilgrims  from  the  wild  West  and  frigid  North,  and 
they  were  pleased  with  it.  Extremes  and  opposites 
met,  and  there  was  ebullition. 

Colonel  Gorgas,  Captain  Carter,  Major  La  Garde 
and  other  U.  S.  officers  and  officials  called  at  the  hotel 
during  the  evening,  and  also  spent  considerable  time 
during  the  days  that  followed  in  lounging  around  try- 
ing to  make  us  feel  at  home  and  adding  much  to  the 
goodfellowship  of  our  visit.  But  none  of  these  gen- 
tlemen drank  promiscuous  toasts.  In  fact,  I  soon 
learned  that  the  American  officers  on  duty,  as  well  as 
the  Panama  physicians,  drank  but  little  if  any  liquor, 
thus  proving  the  rule  that  "In  Panama  one  should  do 
as  the  Panamanians  do,"  by  constituting  exceptions. 
Since  hard  drinking  and  hard  working  are  both  con- 
u 


210  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

sidered  to  be  injurious  habits  in  the  tropics,  I  won- 
dered at  the  popularity  of  the  barroom,  and  conclud- 
ed that  the  hard  drinkers  compromised  with  their 
conscience  by  observing  the  tropical  rules  of  health 
concerning  hard  working.  The  abstemiousness  of 
the  doctors  was  perhaps  on  the  other  hand  due  to  the 
fact  that  they  indulged  in  hard  work.  This  abstemi- 
ousness was  greatly  to  their  credit,  since  from  their 
irregular  and  strenuous  modes  of  life,  doctors,  both 
in  and  out  of  the  tropics,  are  apt  to  become  addicted 
to  the  use  of  sedatives  and  stimulants.  I  have  noticed 
with  regret  that  in  the  United  States  the  red  nose 
and  mottled  cheek  is  occasionally  seen  among  elder- 
ly physicians,  indicating  that  many  resorts  had  been 
had  to  the  fancied  comfort,  the  second-hand  cheer  and 
spurious  stimulation  of  alcoholics.  Statistics  assert 
that  three  fourths  of  the  French  morphine  users  are 
physicians.  A  knowledge  of  the  effects  of  evil  does 
not  always  act  as  a  preventive. 

At  2  P.  M.  Tuesday  we  registered  as  members  of 
the  congress  and  at  4  P.  M.  attended  a  reception  ten- 
dered us  by  Doctor  Amador,  president  of  the  Repub- 
lic of  Panama,  at  the  Palacio  de  Gobierno,  the  Panama 
White  House,  which  is  painted  blue.  The  second  or 
upper  floor  was  occupied  by  him  as  a  residence,  and 
the  lower  floor  by  the  treasury  department  of  the  state 
on  one  side  and  the  soldier-police  on  the  other.  The 
palace  was  a  rectangular,  two-story  corner  one  cover- 
ing about  fifty  by  seventy-five  feet,  built  solidly 
against  the  adjoining  buildings.  The  entrance  led 
into  a  tiled  patio  or  court  of  about  twenty-five  by  thirty 


THE  OPENING  OF  THE  CONGRESS          211 

feet,  at  the  rear  end  of  which  a  broad  stairway  led  up  to 
the  balcony.  The  balcony  extended  all  around  the 
court,  and  served  as  an  outdoor  hall  or  passageway 
to  the  rooms.  There  was  no  inner  hall,  but  the  rooms 
were  connected  by  doors  so  that  one  could  pass  from 
one  to  the  other,  the  same  as  is  usually  the  case  in 
palaces  and  art  galleries.  In  fact,  the  building  served 
both  as  palace  and  art  gallery,  for  around  the  wall  of 
the  rectangular  reception-room,  hung  high  up  near 
the  ceiling  in  oval  frames,  were  bust  portraits  in  oil  of 
all  of  the  presidents  and  governors  of  Panama  from 
about  the  year  1855  down  to  date,  with  their  names  and 
the  dates  of  their  terms  of  office  printed  under  them. 
There  were  pictures  of  twenty-five  presidents  and 
thirteen  governors,  if  my  memory  does  not  deceive 
me.  The  first  president  served  about  three  months, 
the  second  one  about  thirteen,  and  the  others  from  a 
few  months  to  two  years — only  two  or  three  of  them 
longer  than  that.  How  they  found  so  many  great 
men  in  so  small  a  country,  willing  to  give  up  so  short 
a  time  from  their  private  business,  and  risk  the  lives 
of  their  friends  in  a  tit-for-tat  with  the  previous  gov- 
ernment is  a  matter  of  no  small  wonder.  Some  of 
them  were  patriots  and  some  were  politicians,  or  rev- 
olutionists. Revolution  is  the  Spanish  for  election. 
In  Spanish  America  the  president  holds  office  until 
the  next  revolution.  If  the  revolution  is  unsuccessful 
he  is  elected  for  another  term.  The  governors,  of 
course,  ruled  longer  than  the  presidents  for  they  were 
appointed  and  supported  by  the  Colombian  govern- 
ment, which,  in  turn,  was  for  a  long  time  supported 


212  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

largely  by  Panama  and  de  Lesseps.  President  Ama- 
dor  had  previously  served  a  term  as  governor,  and 
probably  would  not  have  been  selected  as  president 
had  he  not  been  a  good  governor.  He  was  a  survival 
of  the  fittest. 

President  and  Mrs.  Amador  received  us  in  a  very 
gracious  and  informal  manner,  and  as  there  were  but 
few  present  each  of  us  had  an  opportunity  of  convers- 
ing freely  with  them.  All  conversed  with  Mrs.  Ama- 
dor, but  only  two  of  us  understood  or  made  ourselves 
understood,  for  she  did  not  understand  and  speak  En- 
glish as  her  husband  did.  However,  she  was 
lively  and  interesting  for  all  that,  and  was  such  a  good 
listener  that  she  kept  her  guests  talking  English  in 
their  very  best  style,  most  of  them  supposing  that 
they  were  making  a  favorable  impression.  She  was 
a  handsome  woman  of  medium  height  and  figure,  and 
much  younger  and  more  vigorous  looking  than  her 
husband,  who  began  to  practice  medicine  about  fifty 
years  ago  and  therefore  must  have  been  much  older 
than  he  appeared.  He  was  tall,  slim  and  serious  look- 
ing. He  seemed  delicate  because  slim  and  quiet,  but 
I  believe  the  slender  and  delicate  looking  men  work 
and  last  better  in  the  tropics  than  those  who  carry 
superfluous  flesh  which,  notwithstanding  the  pride 
taken  in  it  by  its  possessors,  is  a  sign  of  physical  de- 
terioration. He  had  a  dignified  and  what  might  be 
called  a  matter-of-fact  bearing,  with  nothing  suggest- 
ive of  Spanish  or  French  formality.  His  appearance 
was  that  of  a  cultured  American  of  quiet  tempera- 
ment who  was  content  to  pass  unnoticed  in  a  crowd. 


THE  OPENING  OF  THE  CONGRESS          213 

He  was  cordial  although  undemonstrative  in  his  treat- 
ment of  us,  and  was  anxious  to  do  everything  in  his 
power  to  please  us  and,  in  fact,  did  everything  he  could 
except  get  up  a  revolution  for  our  entertainment. 
This  he  utterly  refused  to  do,  although  it  could  have 
been  very  easily  managed — anybody  could  have  started 
a  revolution.  But  he  was  obstinate. 

The  modus  operandi  of  a  revolution  was  about  as 
follows :  Whenever  a  popular  man  in  one  of  the  out- 
lying districts  got  tired  of  work  he  would  throw  down 
the  ploughshare  and  say  to  his  numerous  friends, 
"Come,  boys,  let's  go  and  tell  the  president  what  to  do 
next.  If  he  doesn't  want  to  do  it  next,  why  we'll  do  it. 
If  those  little  blue-coats  in  the  patio  don't  tumble  over 
to  our  side,  we'll  knock  them  over,  and  run  the  govern- 
ment on  business  and  patriotic  principles,  and  put  the 
idle  money  of  the  treasury  in  circulation." 

This  was  the  spirit  of  revolutions  in  Panama,  this 
democratic  spirit  that  gave  any  one  who  had  friends 
the  opportunity  at  any  time  to  serve  them  by  becom- 
ing their  president.  Every  man  had  a  right  to  be  the 
president  except  the  man  who  was.  Instead  of  coun- 
tenancing this  spirit  by  starting  new  revolutions  for 
Uncle  Sam  to  quell,  the  president-doctor  offered  us 
the  champagne  of  good-fellowship  and  the  cigaret  of 
peace.  This  is  Uncle  Sam's  kind  of  revolution.  It 
is  the  new  brand.  The  old  kind  is  going  out.  U.  S. 
is  no  longer  a  colonel  or  a  judge ;  he  is  a  peacemaker. 

With  U.  S.  out  of  the  way,  however,  the  Panaman- 
ians are  great  fighters.  They  are  not  a  bit  afraid  of 
killing  one  another,  and  the  man  who  is  afraid  of 


214  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

death  and  bombs  had  better  not  run  counter  to  them 
when  they  are  out  for  political  sport.  But  if  we  (U. 
S.)  carry  out  our  peculiar  ideas  in  Panama  and  estab- 
lish permanent  peace  there,  what  will  become  of  the 
warriors  and  the  warlike  nation?  Will  they,  and  it, 
not  become  extinct  through  change  of  environment? 
Will  not  peace  kill  more  in  the  end  than  war  ?  When 
Panama  has  become  U.S.-ified  will  not  the  Panaman- 
ians become  ossified  and  inert,  and  those  of  U.  S.  who 
take  their  places  debilitate  and  degenerate  from  dig- 
ging in  canal  dirt?  Are  there  not  blights  as  well  as 
blessings  of  peace?  Can  the  Anglo-Saxons  perma- 
nently conquer  the  tropics?  Not  until  they  grow 
black  in  the  face. 

In  the  evening  the  opening  exercises  of  the  congress 
were  held  in  the  theater.  We  put  on  our  swallowtails 
and  chapeau-claques  and  sauntered  around  the  cor- 
ner to  the  gaily  decorated  and  illuminated  theater 
building  to  which  the  band  lured  us,  and  where  the 
dignitaries  of  the  republic  and  Canal  Zone  awaited  us. 
And  they  gave  us  a  welcome  commensurate  with  their 
dignity  and  the  importance  of  the  aims  of  the  con- 
gress. Nothing  was  lacking  but  numbers  to  render 
the  event  one  of  historical  grandeur.  However,  if 
the  Congresistas  were  not  numerous,  a  large  audi- 
ence rendered  the  defect  unnoticeable. 

The  Eastern  contingent  was  still  on  the  ocean  and 
was  missing  it  all.  But  they  were  good  sailors  and 
didn't  mind  it.  They  were  cracking  jokes  and  break- 
ing bottles  over  their  misfortune,  and  expecting  to 
get  in  on  the  last  day,  just  in  time  for  a  "home  run." 


THE  OPENING  OF  THE  CONGRESS          215 

Easterners  are  rich.  They  have  plenty  of  opportuni- 
ties at  home  to  wear  swallowtails  and  listen  to  music 
and  drink  champagne.  But  we  poor  Westerners  were 
having  the  time  of  our  lives.  We  and  a  few  Central 
Americans  were  having  it  all.  We  and  the  $25,000  bar- 
rel were  there.  Twenty-five  of  us  were  to  be  enter- 
tained for  four  days  with  it ;  $250  a  day  each.  Pana- 
ma, the  poorest  of  republics,  is  the  most  hospitable  of 
nations.  Her  liberality  is  without  precedent.  I  thought 
of  the  Persian  proverb,  "It  does  not  thunder  until  the 
lightning  has  struck."  The  lightning  had  struck.  We 
were  waiting  for  the  thunder. 

On  the  stage  were  President  Amador,  President 
Icaza,  Secretary  Calvo,  Chief  Engineer  Wallace,  Mr. 
Robinson,  Colonel  Gorgas,  Major  La  Garde,  Captain 
Carter  and  the  members  of  the  congress. 

President  Amador  opened  the  congress  by  welcom- 
ing us  in  the  name  of  the  Republic  of  Panama. 

The  Panama  band  of  thirty  pieces  then  played  the 
National  air. 

Mr.  Wallace  gave  a  resume  of  the  work  accom- 
plished on  the  canal.  So  far  it  had  been  necessarily 
preparatory  and  consisted  mainly  of  an  examination 
and  study  of  the  French  work  and  plans,  the  clearing 
away  of  debris,  repair  of  the  old  machinery,  an  exam- 
ination of  the  ground,  calculation  of  difficulties,  es- 
timation of  the  working  capacity  of  new  machinery, 
and  the  determination  of  the  cost  and  time  required  to 
build  a  canal  at  sea  level,  and  one  with  locks.  The  ex- 
cavation of  the  100,000,000  cubic  feet  of  dirt  and 
stone  at  the  Culebra  cut,  and  its  transportation  ten 


216  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

miles  away  where  floods  could  not  bring  it  back, 
was  the  dominant  feature  of  the  work.  It  would 
take  nearly  three  times  as  long  to  accomplish  this 
as  to  construct  the  other  portions  of  the  canal. 
Mr.  Wallace  thought  that  with  the  improved  machin- 
ery of  to-day  the  construction  of  a  sea-level  canal  was 
feasible.  However,  a  canal  with  locks  could  be  con- 
structed in  a  much  shorter  time  and  could  be  deepened 
while  being  used,  and  the  sea-level  canal  could  be  left 
as  a  problem  for  the  next  century.  This  last  sugges- 
tion about  the  next  century,  however,  was  not  made 
by  Mr.  Wallace.  It  is  my  bright  idea. 

When  the  speaker  sat  down  the  Panama  band  again 
filled  the  building  with  stirring  strains  of  music,  rest- 
ing our  minds  and  preparing  us  for  the  appreciation 
of  the  other  addresses.  As  at  the  opening  of  the 
third  Pan-American  Medical  Congress  at  Havana 
three  years  before,  music  constituted  a  liberal  part  of 
the  program  and  relieved  it  of  the  monotony  of  con- 
tinuous speech-making. 

Then  Mr.  Robinson,  who  had  lived  in  Panama  forty 
years,  and  during  quite  a  large  part  of  that  time  had 
witnessed  about  a  revolution  a  year,  spoke  of  the  prim- 
itive conditions  before  the  railroad  was  built.  .It  was 
built  under  great  difficulties  and  with  scarcely  any 
money.  It  was  opened  Jan.  31,  1855,  and  had  earned 
$4,000,000  a  year,  a  pretty  good  percentage  on  scarce- 
ly anything.  Its  opening  constituted  the  greatest  revo- 
lution the  country  had  ever  experienced. 

Apropos  of  this  railroad,  Ex-Senator  Bill  Nye  is 
reported  in  the  Chicago  Daily  News  of  April  20,  1905, 


THE  OPENING  OF  THE  CONGRESS          217 

to  have  said,  "That  Panama  railway  is  a  cinch.  They 
have  one  train,  which  they  run  over  and  back  daily, 
and  a  few  cars,  the  daily  operating  expense  footing 
up  to  $39,  and  one  day's  income  that  I  was  down 
there,  for  freight  and  passengers,  was  $9,000.  It  beats 
any  railroad  on  the  globe  for  profit,  according  to  its 
equipment  and  trackage."  The  inference  is  that  about 
$9,000  was  earned  daily  with  a  daily  outlay  of  about 
$39  and  an  original  investment  of  almost  nothing.  If 
the  word  Panama  means  good  fishing,  this  story  is 
appropriately  told  about  Panama.  Nevertheless  the 
railroad  stock  must  be  good,  and  Uncle  Sam  owns 
the  stock. 

Mr.  Robinson  stated  that  the  canal  had  been  first 
planned  by  an  American,  but  had  proved  a  failure  be- 
fore it  was  begun.  It  was  then  planned  by  the  French 
and  had  proved  a  failure  after  it  was  begun.  The 
first  American  attempt  showed  how  not  to  begin  it, 
the  French  attempt  showed  how  not  to  do  it,  and  it 
was  now  for  the  Americans  to  show  how  not  to  fail. 

Mons.  de  Lesseps  was  an  honest  man,  but  was  not 
a  practical  engineer.  He  was  getting  old  at  the  time 
he  undertook  the  work,  and  was  in  the  hands  of  his 
friends.  His  friends,  however,  couldn't  do  the  work, 
so  they  did  him ;  they  wouldn't  work  anyway,  so  they 
worked  him  every  way.  But  the  world  still  thinks 
well  of  him.  He  was  too  good  for  the  world  about 
him. 

That  the  so-called  Yankee  is  the  man  to  build  the 
canal  is  proved  by  a  poem  printed  over  fifty  years  ago 


218  THE  PAN -AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

in  the  London  Punch  (1851),  of  which  the  following 
is  a  quotation: 

O'er  Panama  there  was  a  scheme 

Long  talked  of  to  pursue  a 
Short  route — which  many  thought  a  dream 

By  Lake  Nicaragua. 
John  Bull  discussed  the  plan  on  foot, 

With  slow  irresolution, 
While  Yankee  Doodle  went  and  put 

It  into  execution. 

Mr.  Robinson  claimed  that  although  yellow  fever 
had  always  existed  in  Panama  it  had  not  been  epi- 
demic for  over  fifty  years,  and  the  band  played  long 
and  loud. 

Colonel  Gorgas  then  spoke  of  the  sanitary  prob- 
lems, the  most  important  of  which  was  the  killing  of 
a  female  mosquito.  Her  death  was  necessary  for  the 
success  of  the  undertaking.  This  mosquito,  whose 
official  name  is  Stegomyia  Fasciata,  a  second  Agrip- 
pina,  was  suspected  of  infecting  people  with  yellow 
fever  twenty  years  ago  by  Dr.  Carlos  J.  Finley.  Now 
she  is  considered  to  be  the  sole  cause.  It  will  be  diffi- 
cult to  dislodge  her  from  the  twenty  odd  villages  with 
12,000  inhabitants  scattered  over  a  strip  of  territory 
nearly  fifty  miles  long  by  ten  wide.  But  by  means  of 
drainage  of  most  of  the  surface  water,  the  covering 
of  the  rest  with  oil  and  screens,  the  protection  of  the 
houses  and  beds  by  window  screens  and  mosquito  bars 
and  the  isolation  of  all  new  cases,  she  will  not  only 
be  drouthed  out,  but  will  not  be  able  to  get  at  any  dis- 


THE  OPENING  OF  THE  CONGRESS          219 

eased  or  disused  individuals  to  obtain  fresh  supplies 
of  the  poison. 

The  sanitary  work  had  hardly  been  begun,  yet  al- 
ready the  conditions  were  very  much  better  than  they 
had  ever  been  before.  Uncle  Sam  is  accomplishing 
great  things  in  the  world  through  his  reforms,  not 
only  in  politics  but  also  in  hygiene.  It  is  the  only  way 
to  conquer  the  tropics. 

Secretary  Calvo  made  a  few  graceful  remarks  ex- 
tending the  hospitality  of  the  city  to  the  members.  He 
announced  that  the  United  States,  Mexico,  Guatemala, 
Honduras,  Costa  Rica,  San  Domingo,  Cuba  and  Peru 
had  sent  delegates. 

President  Amador  then  arose  as  a  sign  that  the  ex- 
ercises were  over,  and  we  returned  to  the  hotel  to 
become  better  acquainted  with  each  other.  Afterward 
we  went  up  to  our  mosquito  bars,  enthusiastic  over 
the  morrow's  program  of  scientific  work  as  well  as 
the  thunder  that  was  to  come,  and  keep  on  coming. 


CHAPTER  II 

Breakfast  and  Dinner  on  the  Same  Day 

Lively  Coffee — Eleven  O'clock  Breakfast  on  the  Prairies — 
Appetizers  Wasted — Music  by  the  Band — The  National 
Hymn  and  Its  Composer — Laying  up  for  a  Rainy 
Season — The  Banquet  at  Hotel  Central — Menu  Trans- 
lated— Musical  Program — Speeches  by  Experts;  One 
out  of  Place  and  One  out  of  Sight — Mixing  Wines — 
Nightcaps  at  the  Club — Too  much  Dining. 

On  Wednesday  we  awoke  fully  fledged  members  of 
the  $25,000  Pan-American  Medical  Congress,  wonder- 
ing if  from  a  scientific  and  assimilative  point  of  view 
we  should  be  able  to  accomplish  all  that  the  occasion 
called  for. 

It  was  lively  at  coffee.  Several  doctresses  and  doc- 
tors' wives  were  present  and  they,  as  well  as  some  of 
the  doctors  who  had  always  been  accustomed  to  eat- 
ing in  the  morning,  had  to  be  instructed  in  the  art  of 
early  fasting ;  and  the  poor  waiters  had  to  be  protect- 
ed from  them.  After  finding  out  that  nothing  but 
unsweetened  oranges,  water  rolls  and  bitter  coffee 
with  milk  were  allowed,  one  lady  wanted  water  in 
her  coffee,  another  wanted  cream,  another  could  not 
take  milk  in  any  form,  another  wanted  tea,  jelly,  etc., 
etc.  To  be  served  bitter  coffee  without  cream,  and  to 
be  offered  nothing  to  eat  but  cold  dry  water  rolls  and 

220 


BREAKFAST  AND  DINNER  SAME  DAY      221 

orange  juice,  was  already  enough  to  condemn  the  ho- 
tel and  the  country.  The  ladies  wished  they  were 
home  where  they  could  have  ham  and  eggs  and  fried 
potatoes,  corn  muffins  and  watered  coffee  weakened 
with  cream.  The  practice  of  every-day  patriotism 
should  begin  with  breakfast. 

"Well !  I  can't  talk  all  morning  in  congress  on  an 
empty  stomach/'  said  one  of  the  lady  doctors. 

"This  is  terrible,"  sighed  a  doctor's  wife.  "I  have 
to  eat  to  maintain  my  health  and  strength." 

"How  can  you,  when  you  haven't  any  health  and 
strength?"  said  her  husband. 

"When  I  eat  I  believe  in  having  something  to  chew 
on,"  said  a  stomach  specialist. 

"It  is  terrible  to  have  to  fast  when  you  want  your 
breakfast,"  sighed  the  doctor's  wife. 

"It's  foolish  to  want  your  breakfast  when  you  have 
to  fast,"  said  her  husband.  "When  you  are  in  Rome, 

"If  I  could  only  speak  Spanish  like  a  man,  I'd  stir 
things  up  here,"  said  she. 

"If  I  could  only  talk  like  a  woman,  so  would  I ;  but 
I'm  only  a  man,"  said  he. 

Upon  this  one  of  the  doctors  stood  up  and  said 
that  he  had  quite  enjoyed  his  milk-coffee,  water  rolls 
and  tongue  sandwiches.  The  ladies  looked  about  the 
room  in  search  of  the  sandwiches  while  the  men 
smiled  and  left  the  table,  declaring  that  they  also  had 
enjoyed  them,  particularly  the  sandwiches. 

At  eight  o'clock  cabs  drove  up  and  took  us  to  the 
sdbanas  over  the  same  route  that  I  had  gone  on  New 


222  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

Year's  day.  But  it  was  not  a  holiday  and  the  natives 
were  not  exhibiting  themselves,  and  the  drive  was  not 
very  interesting.  We  stopped  at  the  Country  Club 
grounds,  which  were  not  as  attractive  as  those  of 
Senor  Arango's  place  that  I  had  visited,  but  were 
much  larger  and  had  a  roomy  two-story  frame  house 
with  a  veranda  all  around  it  wide  enough  to  serve  us 
as  a  dining-room.  The  club  superintended  the  prepa- 
rations, although  the  Washington  Hotel  of  Colon  had 
a  contract  for  the  provisions.  Hence  the  provisions 
were  plentiful  and  the  service  unexceptionable. 

The  day  was  pleasant  and  cool  for  Panama,  and 
quite  endurable  in  the  early  morning.  We  wandered 
about  the  grounds  for  a  while  examining  the  tropical 
trees  and  telling  each  other  all  about  them.  Then  we 
took  photographs  of  ourselves  under  trees  and  talked 
and  watched  the  preparations  for  the  breakfast  on  the 
veranda.  Some  one  asked  me  to  go  up  and  look  at  the 
house.  I  did  so  but  only  got  as  far  as  the  veranda, 
for  I  noticed  a  corner  room  opening  on  it  that  was 
crowded  with  fellow  congresistas ;  and  after  I  had 
succeeded  in  crowding  in  saw  what  would  have  made 
Milwaukee  and  Louisville  glad  at  heart  if  they  had 
been  there.  But  neither  of  them  were  there  in  the 
flesh.  There  was  beer,  whiskey  and  White  Rock  water 
enough  to  overcome  the  drouth  of  a  German  regi- 
ment or  the  American  army.  It  seemed  a  pity  that 
some  one  from  Milwaukee  was  not  there  to  help  us 
out,  for  there  was  a  heaping  hogshead  full  of  Blue 
Label  beer  in  quart  bottles,  and  not  a  bottle  was 
opened 'that  day;  there  were  two  hundred  bottles  of 


CLUB  HOUSE  ON  THE  SABANAS 
Table  Being  Set  for  Our  Banquet  Breakfast 


BREAKFAST  AND  DINNER  SAME  DAY       223 

White  Rock  water,  and  only  fifty  were  opened;  there 
were  a  dozen  quart  bottles  of  whiskey  and  only  ten 
were  drunk. 

Santos  Jorge's  band  of  thirty  vigorous  music-mak- 
ers was  there  to  give  tone  and  tune  to  the  occasion 
and  did  its  best  to  rouse  up  and  intoxicate  us  with  mar- 
tial and  patriotic  pieces  played  at  frequent  intervals. 
Mr.  Santos  Jorge,  who  was  the  leader  of  the  band 
and  the  almost  constant  companion  of  the  medical 
congressmen,  was  the  most  prominent  musician  in  the 
republic.  He  had  been  in  Panama  thirteen  years  and 
was  the  director  of  the  Panama  Conservatory  of  Mu- 
sic. He  had  been  a  student  of  the  Madrid  Conserva- 
tory and  took  a  prize  when  he  graduated.  The  Himno 
Istmeno,  or  Panama  National  Hymn,  is  one  of  his 
compositions  and  seemed  to  compare  favorably  with 
the  national  airs  of  other  countries.  His  band  was 
made  up  of  whites,  negroes  and  half-breeds,  who  were 
all  well  trained  and  played  well,  although  a  trifle  too 
staccato  and  fortissimo  for  our  anti-emotional  Anglo- 
Saxon  temperament. 

As  the  slight  effect  of  the  early  coffee  and  rolls 
upon  our  premature  emptiness  had  worn  off  by  ten 
o'clock,  and  there  were  no  more  trees  or  houses  on 
the  place  to  explain  and  explore,  and  no  new  subjects 
for  conversation,  we  hovered  around  the  veranda  lis- 
tening to  music  and  drinking  White  Rock  for  an  ap- 
petite. After  having  our  official  picture  taken  for  the 
benefit  of  medical  history,  we  sat  down  to  breakfast. 

The  tables  were  spread  for  a  hundred  and  there 
were  only  about  forty  of  us,  including  Panamanians; 


224  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

but  as  our  emptiness  grew  our  courage  developed,  and 
each  of  us  laid  up  enough  for  a  rainy  day.  The  dif- 
ference between  this  breakfast,  sent  by  the  Washing- 
ton Hotel  from  Colon,  and  the  cold  bread  and  bitter 
coffee  breakfast  eaten  and  execrated  at  the  Hotel  Cen- 
tral a  few  hours  before,  was  freely  expressed  in  femi- 
nine English,  which  was  loud  in  praise  of  Washington 
and  in  condemnation  of  Gran  Central. 

We  returned  to  Panama  at  two  o'clock,  and  occupied 
our  time  from  three  to  six  with  the  reading  and  discus- 
sion of  monographs  on  surgery  and  gynecology,  to  the 
great  satisfaction  and  entertainment  of  the  readers  and 
talkers. 

At  half  past  seven  o'clock  we  gathered  in  the  large 
parlor  of  Hotel  Central  and  waited  impatiently  for  the 
signal  to  descend  to  the  banquet.  We  had  eaten 
enough  at  eleven  o'clock  to  nourish  us  for  two  or  more 
days,  and  were  now  to  eat  enough  for  four  or  more 
days,  since  the  menu  was  twice  as  elabrate.  But  we  re- 
membered that  many  stomachs  are  ruined  by  dieting, 
and  resolved  not  to  be  ruined  in  that  way.  I  give 
a  translation  with  this  menu  for  the  benefit  of  those 
who  have  no  dictionary,  and  no  objection. 

MENU. 

HOES  D'CEUVRES. 
Olives.  Jambon.  Canapes  de  Caviar. 

POTAGE. 
Consomm6  Sevign6. 

POISSON. 
Corbina  &  la  Trouville. 


BREAKFAST  AND  DINNER  SAME  DAY      225 
MENU— Continued. 

ENTRIES. 

Vol  au  Vent  Richelieu.         File"  t  Piqu6  &  la  Parisienne. 

PIECE     FROIDE. 

Aspic  de  Foie — Gras  Bellevue. 

LEGUMES. 

Asperges — Sauce  Mousseline. 

R6TI. 

Lindonneau  a  la  Broche.  Salade  de  Saison. 

DESSERT. 

Glace  Marie  Louise.      Petits  Fours.      Piece  Mont6e 

VINS. 

Xeres.       Chateau  La  Tour  Blanche.      Chablis.       Margaux. 
Gorton.  Pommard. 

CHAMPAGNES. 

G.  H.  Mumm.  Moet  et  Chandon. 

TRANSLATION  OF  MENU. 

EXTRA   WORK. 

Olives,  Goodleg.  Sofas  of  Caviar. 

POTTAGE. 

Accomplished  Sevigne". 

POISON. 
Crow  a  la  Trouville. 

ENTRIES. 

Fly-away  Richelieu.     Quilted  Thread  a  la  Paris- woman. 

COLD  PIECE. 
Asp  Liver — Fleshy  Fineview. 

LEGGINS. 

Saucy  Aspersions  of  Muslin. 

ROT. 
London  Water  a  la  Spit — Salad  of  the  Seasons. 

DISSERTATION. 

Frosted  Marie  Louise.     Small  Furnaces.     Mounted  Play. 
15 


226  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 
TRANSLATION  OF  MENU— Continued. 

WINES. 

Xerxes.         Catwater  of  White  Tower.         Cat  Bliss. 
Magpies.  Courting  Pomade. 

SHAM    PAINS. 

G.  H.  Mummy.  Mouth  and  Chindown. 

After  seeing  the  bill  of  fare  thus  exposed  in  plain 
English  the  reader  will  realize  what  an  abomination 
such  banquets  are,  and  why  the  French  language  is 
used  to  express  and  extenuate  them. 

The  musical  program  was  well  selected  and  well 
executed,  and  deserved  to  be  recorded.  The  musicians 
played  with  great  spirit  and  helped  the  blood  to  the 
brain  and  the  word  to  the  tongue  much  better  than 
the  eight  brands  of  wine  and  fourteen  varieties  of 
food. 

PROGRAMA. 

QUE    EJECUTARX  LA  BANDA   REPUBLI&ANA. 

Himno  Istmeno,          ..  '      .        .        .        .  S.Jorge  A. 
Vals— "Red,  White  and   Blue.".  "On  American 

Airs," Tovani. 

Sinfonia— "Naiade,"  ....  C.  Carlini. 

"Ramona"  Two-Step,  .        .         .         .  Johnson 

Mazurka — "Feliz  ASo,"       ....  Jean  Oliver. 

Vals — "Amoureuse," Berger. 

Scena  e  Duetto  nelT  Opera  Rigoletto,          .  Verdi. 

Two-Step — "Yankee  Girl,"      ....  Lampe. 

Vals— "Les  Patineurs,"       ....  Waldteufel 

Selections  from  "The  Prince  of  Pilsen,"    .       .  Luders. 

"American  Guard"  Quickstep,      S'       .         .  Brooks. 

"Quartette  di  Concerto,"     ....  Perolini. 

El  Director, 

SANTOS  JORGE  A. 


BREAKFAST  AND  DINNER  SAME  DAY      227 

President  Amador  and  the  high  functionaries  of 
state  were  there  to  encourage  us  in  our  efforts  to  do 
justice  to  what  was  spread  before  us,  and  Mrs.  Ama- 
dor and  other  first  ladies  of  the  land  were  there  to 
inspire  the  speakers. 

Speeches  were  made  by  President  Icaza,  U.  S.  Min- 
ister Barrett,  the  Panamanian  Treasurer,  the  Minister 
of  War,  Doctor  Brower,  Doctor  Senn,  and  others 
whose  names  I  did  not  learn,  each  in  his  own  language 
and  each  one  creditable  to  the  speaker  and  to  his  coun- 
try. In  order  to  give  a  semblance  of  spontaneity  to 
the  speeches,  each  speaker  had  a  number  given  him, 
and  when  a  speaker  had  spoken  and  the  band  had 
played,  the  one  with  the  next  number  would  stand 
up  unannounced  and  speak  as  if  inspired  by  the  pre- 
ceding speaker  and  by  the  occasion.  This  would  have 
worked  charmingly  had  not  the  crowd  called  upon  an 
extra  speaker  early  in  the  evening.  Doctor  Brower, 
whose  medieval  ancestors  had  been  subject  to  Span- 
ish rule,  and  who  inherited  the  temperament  of  a 
Spaniard  and  the  physique  of  two  Spaniards,  did 
not  understand  Spanish.  He,  therefore,  did  not  know 
that  an  extra  man  without  a  number  had  spoken.  So 
he  mistook  his  count  and  arose  a  number  ahead  of 
his  turn,  and  ahead  of  the  speaker  whom  he  was  to 
have  followed,  and  whose  speech  was  supposed  to  in- 
spire his.  But  the  doctor  was  equal  to  the  occasion 
and  spoke  with  as  much  eloquence  as  if  his  speech 
was  in  place,  and  as  if  people  knew  who  he  was  and 
what  he  said.  His  speech  elicited  much  applause, 
particularly  from  the  highest  ladies  of  the  land  and 


228  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

others  who  did  not  understand  English.  It  was  one 
of  the  best  speeches  of  the  evening,  only  it  was  out  of 
place. 

But  the  speech  of  the  evening  was  that  of  Minister 
Barrett,  who,  I  suppose,  never  was,  and  never  will  be,  a 
minister  of  the  gospel;  he  is  in  politics.  His  speech 
was  full  of  wit,  satire  and  good-natured  banter,  de- 
livered in  a  full-chested  baritone  voice,  and  made  one 
think  that  to  hear  a  good  after-dinner  speech  was 
worth  a  bad  attack  of  matutinal  indigestion. 

The  serving  at  table  was  quite  rapid  and  satisfactory 
except  that  some  of  the  many  different  kinds  of  wine 
looked  alike,  and  tasted  quite  unlike,  and  the  waiters 
mixed  them  up  as  they  went  around  filling  partially 
emptied  glasses.  The  result  was  disastrous  to  the 
nerves  of  such  connoisseurs  as  we  all  were.  But  in 
consequence  of  rapid  serving  and  short  speeches,  the 
entertainment  was  over  in  time  for  the  guests  to  go 
over  to  the  clubs  in  their  cocktail  coats,  and  have  more 
refreshments  and  a  few  straight  nightcaps  to  settle 
the  blended  wines,  and  thus  oblige  no  one  to  get  into 
one  of  those  hotel  beds  until  his  mind  at  least  was 
properly  made  up. 

Just  what  kind  of  water  the  Panamanians  offered 
the  Panamericans,  and  just  what  the  Panamericans 
accepted  from  the  Panamanians,  I  can  not  say  from 
observation,  but  I  know  that  the  Panamanians  offered 
generously  and  that  the  Panamericans  were  kindly 
disposed  to  do  their  duty.  "New  occasions  teach  new 
duties/'  as  Lowell  said.  Feasts  are  better  than  fevers 
and  postprandials  preferable  to  postmortems,  was  the 
concensus  of  the  congress. 


BREAKFAST  AND  DINNER  SAME  DAY      229 

Having  two  more  banquets  to  contend  with  during 
the  following  twenty-four  hours,  as  well  as  a  short 
scientific  session  to  keep  awake  at,  I  sneaked  off  to 
bed  when  others  went  to  the  clubs,  remembering  the 
proverb  that  "He  who  eats  and  runs  away  may  live 
to  eat  some  other  day,"  and  hoped  they  were  as  happy 
as  they  thought  they  were. 

During  these  two  days  they  dined  and  dinned  us 
without  intermission.  Eating  and  drinking  to  the 
strains  of  stirring  music  occupied  most  of  our  time 
and  attention  outside  of  the  scientific  meetings,  and  it 
became  necessary  to  give  more  thought  to  the  filling  of 
our  stomachs  at  table  than  to  the  unloading  of  our 
minds  upon  the  congress.  Indeed,  it  was  difficult  to 
enjoy  the  scientific  meetings  when  the  energies  were 
so  heavily  taxed  with  gastric  and  gustatory  functions. 
If  we  had  not  had  so  many  good  times  we  should  have 
enjoyed  the  meeting  more. 


CHAPTER  III 

Panama  Bay  and  Paramount  Barrett 

An  Excursion  to  the  Island  of  Toboga — Panama  from  the 
Sea — A  Picturesque  Village — A  Delightful  Stroll  to  the 
Sanatorium — A  Banquet  Aboard — We  Return  Refreshed 
and  Invigorated — A  Dinner  with  Minister  Barrett — His 
Travels  and  Experiences — He  Wheedles  One  Empress 
a.nd  Amuses  Another,  Beats  Admiral  Dewey,  Refuses  a 
Harem,  Shocks  a  Female  Boarding-school,  Suppresses  a 
Revolution,  Discourses  upon  Elephants  and  Has  a  Joke 
Played  upon  Him— At  the  Ball— Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wallace— 
Twenty-five  Thousand  Dollars  for  Grave  Digging. 

An  excursion  and  banquet  on  the  bay  and  a  visit 
to  Toboga  Island  twelve  miles  out  had  been  planned 
for  us,  and  we  assembled  Thursday  morning  at  eight 
o'clock  at  the  railway  station.  A  short  ride  by  rail 
took  us  to  the  large  pier  at  the  Boca  or  mouth  of  the 
canal  from  which  a  channel  has  been  dredged  through 
the  shallow  water  out  to  the  Island  of  Perico.  We  start- 
ed from  the  Boca  because  the  pier  at  the  city  of  Panama 
stood  on  dry  land  at  low  tide,  and  the  boats  were  lying 
about  on  their  sides  much  of  the  time. 

President  Amador  and  Mrs.  Amador  were  present, 
having  embraced  this  opportunity  to  make  the  excur- 
sion with  us  and  visit  their  country  residence  on 
the  Island  of  Toboga  where  they  were  to  remain  a 
few  days.  Colonel  Gorgas  and  Captain  Carter  and 

230 


PANAMA  BAY  AND  PARAMOUNT  BARRETT  231 

their  families,  as  well  as  several  other  Canal  Zone  and 
Panamanian  government  officials,  were  also  among  the 
passengers. 

Two  boats  had  been  engaged  and  two  banquets  pre- 
pared, but  as  half  of  the  congress  was  still  on  the  At- 
lantic Ocean,  there  was  no  use  in  reserving  a  boat  and 
a  banquet  for  it  on  the  Pacific,  so  we  discharged 
one  boat  and  took  all  of  the  provisions  with  us  on  the 
other,  thus  guarding  against  a  banqueters'  famine. 

As  we  steamed  along  the  shore  our  old  Spanish- 
looking  town  of  Panama  was  on  our  left  and  the  trop- 
ical islands  on  our  right.  The  city,  which  occupied  a 
rugged  projection  of  land,  was  a  picturesque  sight  in 
the  intense  morning  sunlight.  The  white  gleaming 
walls,  dark  roofs  and  deep  shadows  formed  a  lively 
contrast,  and  were  beautifully  framed  by  the  blue  of 
the  sea  below  and  sky  above,  and  the  green  of  the  fo- 
liage around  them.  When  opposite  the  city  the  boat 
turned  stern  toward  Panama  and  passed  outward  be- 
tween the  islands,  some  of  which  were  quite  large 
and  some  very  small.  The  small  ones  looked  like 
mountain-tops  and  ridges  projecting  out  of  the  water, 
and  probably  formed  parts  of  a  submerged  ridge.  The 
sea  was  smooth  and  the  sea  breeze  felt  refreshing 
and  cool  to  us  in  our  duck  pants  and  pongee  coats, 
and  the  two  hours  of  riding  to  Toboga  passed  quickly 
and  comfortably.  The  word  comfortably  expresses  a 
great  deal  in  the  tropics,  and  means  more  than  the 
words  fun  and  enjoyment.  There  is  a  suggestion  of 
good  luck  and  thankfulness  in  it. 

At    Toboga    a.    cluster    of    tiny  red-tiled    houses 


232  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

stretched  along  the  shore  between  the  blue  sea  in  front 
and  the  higher,  densely  foliaged  land  behind,  consti- 
tuting a  little  fishing  village  of  wondrous  beauty  as 
viewed  from  the  boat.  Arriving  off  shore  we  sent 
the  President  and  Mrs.  Amador  to  the  beach  in  a 
row  boat,  for  there  was  no  disfigurement  of  nature 
by  piers  or  breakwaters. 

Tempted  by  the  beauty  and  novelty  of  the  foliage, 
several  of  us  hired  one  of  the  row  boats  that  hovered 
about  the  steamer,  and  were  soon  on  dry  land.  As  a 
fresh  cooling  sea  breeze  was  blowing  we  had  a  pleas- 
ant walk  of  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  to  the  sanatori- 
um, a  two-story,  wooden,  rectangular  building  which 
was  built  on  posts  over  the  water's  edge  and  girded 
by  the  conventional  wide  veranda.  It  is  said  to  have 
cost  about  $200,000,  and  was  built  for  convalescent 
and  debilitated  employees  of  the  French  Canal  Com- 
pany. In  Chicago  it  could  have  been  built,  I  should 
say,  for  about  $2,000,  but  would  have  been  a  ruin  long 
ago.  There  were  good  baths  and  a  fine  spring  near 
by.  With  the  island-bound  bay  and  cool  sea  breeze 
on  one  side  and  the  luxuriant  tropical  forest  on  the 
other,  it  was  an  ideal  place  for  invalids  and  poets,  but 
a  very  idle  place  for  well  people.  It  was  a  place  for 
lounging,  dreaming,  bathing,  smoking,  and  romantic 
gazing  at  the  beautiful  sky  and  earth.  But  active 
outdoor  sports  were  incompatible  with  the  climate, 
and  the  social  and  business  activities  that  were  needful 
to  relieve  the  monotonous  splendor  of  nature  were  lack- 
ing. 

We   sauntered  back  to   the   landing-place   picking 


TABOGA  ISLAND 


PANAMA  BAY  AND  PARAMOUNT  BARRETT  233 

ripe  mangoes  and  accepting  large  pineapples  from 
the  natives,  who  would  take  no  pay  because  we  were 
guests  of  the  president.  Altogether  the  novelty  of 
the  little  stroll  on  this  most  beautiful  of  tropical  islands 
produced  a  feeling  of  enthusiasm  and  admiration  for 
nature  such  as  we  used  to  experience  as  boys  when 
we  visited  new  scenes  with  new  eyes.  It  seemed  like 
something  new  under  the  sun. 

On  our  way  back  to  Panama  we  sat  down  to  a  ban- 
quet breakfast  of  the  same  character  as  on  the  sabanas 
the  day  before  and  which,  with  the  sea  air,  the  stroll 
on  the  island,  and  the  starvation  "coffee-breakfast"  in 
the  early  morning  to  perform  the  function  of  appetiz- 
ers, we  ate  with  as  much  if  not  more  relish. 

In  the  evening  Dr.  Lucy  Waite,  Doctor  Senn  and 
myself  dined  with  the  Pan-American  peacemaker,  John 
Barrett,  and  his  secretary  in  their  interesting  bachelor 
apartments  near  Plaza  Central.  Innumerable  pictures 
and  mementoes  gathered  by  Mr.  Barrett  during  his 
travels  and  while  he  was  representing  the  United 
States  at  the  courts  of  the  mighty,  gave  the  place  the 
interest  of  a  museum  of  art.  We  felt  that  we  were 
fortunate  in  having  him  devote  an  evening  to  us,  for 
he  was  one  of  the  busiest  men  in  Panama.  But  I  have 
learned  in  my  dealings  with  North  Americans  that 
the  busiest  men  nearly  always  have  more  time  for  ex- 
tra work  than  those  who  have  not  enough  to  do.  A 
successful,  busy  man  seldom  does  as  others  do,  and 
Mr.  Barrett  did  not  do  as  the  Panamanians  did.  The 
words  siesta,  gossip  and  barroom  were  meaningless 
to  him.  He  paid  no  attention  to  the  rule  that  one  should 


234  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

neither  drink  hard  nor  work  hard  in  the  tropics.  His 
motto  was:  "Work  everywhere,  drink  nowhere."  He 
was  such  a  hustler  that  grass  did  not  grow  under  his 
feet  nor  hair  on  his  head.  He  had  traveled  extensive- 
ly in  the  Orient.  He  had  visited  the  five  great  vice- 
roys of  China  and  had  sat  upon  the  dais  with  the  Em- 
press Dowager  and  had  talked  her  out  of  700,000 
taels.  He  arrived  at  Manila  only  ten  days  after  Ad- 
miral Dewey,  and  outstayed  him.  He  became  person- 
ally acquainted  with  Aguinaldo  and  thus  was  more 
successful  than  Dewey.  The  Sultan  of  Sulu  offered 
him  a  harem,  but  he  was  busy,  and  had  to  refuse. 
While  U.  S.  minister  to  Siam  he  accepted,  however, 
an  invitation  to  address  the  graduating  class  of  the 
Young  Ladies'  Seminary  of  Bangkok,  and  told  them 
that  they  were  charming  young  ladies,  but  soon  would 
be  old  cows  with  their  tongues  hanging  out.  He  had 
mistranslated  his  well-prepared  English  manuscript 
and  had  mispronounced  what  he  did  not  mistranslate. 
He  was  excused  on  account  of  his  youth  and  beauty, 
and  because  he  came  from  a  new  country  where  re- 
fined speech  and  Oriental  etiquette  were  not  culti- 
vated. He  had  also  been  minister  to  Argentina,  but 
he  did  not  mention  the  breaches  he  had  made  there. 
Possibly  there  was  not  time  enough. 

When  General  Huertas  moved  on  Panama  City 
with  an  army  of  300  men  and  began  to  dictate  to  Pres- 
ident Amador,  Mr.  Barrett  advised  the  president  to 
disband  the  hostile  army.  The  president,  to  whom  this 
method  of  warfare  was  a  novelty,  humored  the  young 
minister  and  told  them  to  disband.  But  they  refused. 


PANAMA  BAY  AND  PARAMOUNT  BARRETT  235 

He  offered  them  sixty  days'  extra  pay,  half  down 
and  half  a  week  after  they  had  disbanded,  but  they 
demanded  all  of  the  money  before  disbanding.  They 
might  serve  without  pay  but  they  would  not  stop  serv- 
ing without  pay.  Mr.  Barrett  advised  the  president  not 
to  heed  this  demand  and  made  an  eloquent  speech  that 
brought  them  to  terms.  He  told  them  that  Uncle  Sam 
was  back  of  President  Amador.  The  soldiers  were  not 
accustomed  to  this  kind  of  warfare  and  disbanded.  Af- 
ter the  army  had  disbanded,  their  guns  were  stored  in 
the  American  warehouse  at  Ancon  and  the  defense  of 
the  city  and  maintenance  of  order  entrusted  to  the  po- 
lice, who  performed  after  that  the  double  duty  of  sol- 
diers and  policemen.  And  now,  with  no  army  except  one 
of  words,  the  words  of  Uncle  Sam,  Doctor  Amador  is 
secure  in  his  position,  and  at  last,  "The  path  of  glory 
leads  to  the  gray,"  as  the  poet  Grave  wrote. 

Mr.  Barrett's  delicate  private  supper  was  such  a  re- 
lief after  the  gorgeous  banquets  that  we  had  been 
working  at,  that  we  did  not  really  require  any  atten- 
tion from  him.  His  servant  was  entertaining  and  re- 
lieving us  to  our  entire  satisfaction.  But  the  worry 
and  responsibilities  of  public  office  in  an  unsettled 
and  up-building  foster-republic,  and  the  fatigue  of 
constant  activity,  did  not  prevent  him  giving  himself 
up  to  our  unrestrained  enjoyment. 

He  gave  us  much  information  about  Siam,  where 
he  was  known  as  "I  am,  I  am,  the  great  white  minis- 
ter at  Siam."  He  said  that  the  Sultan  of  Siam  was 
very  intelligent  and  progressive,  that  he  had  many 
wives  but  had  decreed  that  his  son  and  successor 


236  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

should  have  but  one,  and  thus  had  shown  that  he 
possessed  the  courage  of  his  convictions.  Mr.  Barrett 
told  us  that  he  had  seen  Siamese  babies  smoking  ci- 
gars six  inches  long,  and  described  a  case  in  point. 
He  said  that  elephants  were  not  weaned  until  they  were 
three  years  old,  were  not  grown  up  until  they  were 
twenty,  and  that  their  working  days  were  from  thirty- 
three  to  sixty-six  years.  He  said  that  elephants  were 
afraid  of  mice,  and  gave  an  instance  in  which  a  mouse 
stampeded  the  royal  herd,  and  it  took  six  weeks  to  get 
them  back  in  line  again.  He  told  us  that  the  white 
elephant  was  pink,  that  the  white  was  all  in  the  white 
of  his  eye. 

He  and  the  other  foreign  diplomats  dined  once  a  week 
at  the  Emperor's  table.  Barrett's  regular  seat  was  be- 
side the  Empress-in-chief,  and  it  fell  to  him  to  enter- 
tain her.  In  due  time  ordinary  subjects  of  conversa- 
tion had  been  worn  threadbare,  and  the  Empress 
helped  him  out  by  appointing  a  subject  at  each  dinner 
for  conversation  at  the  next,  which  enabled  him  to  look 
up  his  vocabulary  and  his  ideas.  On  one  occasion  she 
asked  him  to  give  her  some  ideas  on  ladies'  hats.  He 
studied  hats  in  the  cyclopedia  and  dictionary  during 
the  few  stray  moments  of  quiet  and  leisure  he  could 
find,  and  came  to  the  dinner  feeling  competent  to 
address  the  Empress  in  her  own  language  on  a  femi- 
nine subject.  But  while  he  was  discoursing  eloquently 
about  hats,  and  mingling  Oriental  compliments  with 
incidental  wisdom,  she  suddenly  burst  out  laughing 
and  kept  on  laughing  until  she  burst  some  stays.  The 
Emperor  then  became  intensely  curious  to  learn  how 


PANAMA  BAY  AND  PARAMOUNT  BARRETT  237 

the  White  Minister  had  done  it.  When  finally  the 
lady  had  gotten  through  laughing  she  told  him  what 
Mr.  Barrett  had  said,  viz.:  "Your  Majesty  wears  the 
most  beautiful  busts  of  any  empress  or  queen  in  the 
Orient.  Their  originality  of  shape  and  harmony  of 
coloring  have  charmed  many  an  artist."  Mr.  Barrett 
laughed  also,  thinking  that  he  had  pleased  the  Em- 
press, but  later  learned  that  he  had  used  the  word 
bust  in  place  of  hat.  However,  he  had  not  failed  to 
amuse  the  Empress,  which  was  quite  a  distinction. 

Apropos  of  hats,  we  asked  him  why  he  had  not 
married.  He  said  that  he  preferred  to  be  happy.  His 
political  duties  already  called  upon  him  to  do  many 
things  that  he  knew  nothing  about,  but  had  not  yet  ex- 
acted that.  He  preferred  to  be  a  bachelor,  and,  as 
Doctor  Waite  expressed  it,  he  shone  better  as  a  soli- 
taire. He  had  read  somewhere  that  wives  talk  in  their 
sleep.  He  could  endure  any  kind  of  babel  or  babble 
for  eighteen  hours  a  day,  but  not  for  twenty-four. 

He  had  a  little  joke  played  upon  him  at  his  dinner 
that  was  not  premeditated.  The  waiter  was  a  quick 
and  active  man,  as  I  suppose  everybody  about  Mr. 
Barrett  must  be,  and  served  us  rapidly  and  well.  But 
he  got  behind  in  his  work  and  was  hurried  in  serving 
the  dessert,  and  had  allowed  the  water  glasses  to  be- 
come empty.  He  rushed  out  after  water  and  in  his 
haste  grabbed  a  couple  of  bottles  of  white  wine  in- 
stead of  White  Rock  water,  and  filled  our  tumblers 
with  it.  Mr.  Barrett  was  busy  talking  and  did  notice 
the  error.  We  were  thirsty,  and  as  the  wine  was  very 
mild  and  of  excellent  quality  we  gladly  drank  it  like 


238  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

water.  I  merely  remarked  that  it  was  the  best  water 
I  had  tasted  in  Panama.  We  were  soon  through  eat- 
ing, and  just  before  arising  Mr.  Barrett  somewhat 
hastily  took  a  large  draught  out  of  his  tumbler.  He 
swallowed  and  cleared  his  throat  and  looked  at  us. 
But  as  we  said  nothing,  he  said  nothing,  and  he  prob- 
ably does  not  know  to-day  that  we  drank  his  best  wine 
like  plain  water. 

After  giving  us  another  hour  of  instructive  and 
amusing  conversation  while  sitting  on  the  little  Span- 
ish balcony  outside  of  the  windows,  he  accompanied 
us  to  the  ball.  Here  were  assembled  the  beauty  and 
talent  of  Panama.  Preparations  had  been  made  for 
a  grand  dance  and  an  elaborate  supper  at  many  small 
square,  and  a  few  tete-a-tete  tables.  We  met  nearly 
everybody  we  had  met  before  and  many  that  we  had 
not,  both  Panamanians  and  North  Americans.  The 
naval  officers  of  the  Battleship  Boston  also  added  eclat 
to  the  occasion. 

I  had  pleasant  chats  with  our  Chicago  friends,  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Wallace.  They  lived  in  a  house  owned  by 
the  U.  S.  government  not  far  from  Plaza  Central  in 
the  crowded  part  of  the  city.  But  Mr.  Wallace  had 
contrived  to  get  out  of  the  crowd  to  a  certain ,  extent 
by  going  upwards.  He  had  built  a  sort  of  roof  gar- 
den or  open-air  story  on  the  top  of  the  house,  and  had 
made  other  improvements  that  rendered  it  in  comfort, 
although  not  in  kind,  as  nearly  equal  to  our  North 
American  homes  as  is  consistent  with  the  climate.  He 
was  enthusiastic  about  his  canal  work  and  apparently 
happy,  and  expecting  to  keep  right  on,  although  a 


PANAMA  BAY  AND  PARAMOUNT  BARRETT  239 

few  months'  residence  in  Panama  is  a  great  disillu- 
sioner.  Mrs.  Wallace  seemed  cheerful  and  contented  in 
her  new  surroundings  and  apparently  enjoyed  great 
popularity  in  society.  Whether  she  would  have  been 
able  to  stand  the  climate  for  ten  or  twelve  years  without 
injury  to  her  health,  and  whether  he  could  have  re- 
tained sufficient  vigor  during  such  a  long  sweltering 
period  to  prosecute  the  work,  must  have  been  a  ques- 
tion of  some  concern  to  him.  It  certainly  would  have 
shortened  the  natural  course  of  his  life  somewhat  and 
was  not  worth  while  unless  there  was  something  in  it 
for  him  besides  money.  Wealth  is  not  his  who  gets  it, 
but  his  who  enjoys  it.  He  who  gives  a  part  and  risks 
all  of  his  life,  and  sacrifices  all  of  his  comfort  and  en- 
joyment of  life,  and  does  the  work,  deserves  credit  and 
appreciation. 

At  the  time  of  the  reorganization  of  the  Canal  Com- 
mission the  newspapers  of  the  country  were  talking 
wildly  about  a  hundred  thousand  dollar  man  with  pow- 
er and  authority  to  build  the  canal  and  build  it  quickly. 
They  spoke  of  finding  him,  but  left  Mr.  Wallace  practi- 
cally out  of  consideration.  I  do  not  doubt  but  this  gave 
Mr.  Wallace  an  attack  of  dyspepsia  and  that  he  took 
a  gloomy  view  of  things  and  saw  himself  at  the  end  of 
four  or  five  years  with  his  health  shattered  by  strug- 
gles with  climatic  and  Congressional  influences  and 
hindrances,  and  discarded  by  a  forgetful  and  impa- 
tient country.  The  country  had  already  begun  to  go 
back  on  his  contract,  and  the  understanding  with  him, 
and  I  suppose  he  felt  that  he  had  the  same  right.  If 
it  was  a  question  of  salary  only,  why  earn  it  in  Panama 


240  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

where  red  heat  and  yellow  fever  were  suggestive  of 
future  rewards  and  quick  realization?  Twenty-five 
or  thirty  thousand  dollars  is  a  small  sum  for  digging 
one's  own  grave  and  then  not  being  allowed  to  occu- 
py it.  "To  thine  own  self  be  true ;  and  .  ,  ." 


CHAPTER  IV 

Congress  Redivivus 

Visit  to  the  Culebra  Cut— Culebra  Ridge—Trying  to 
Learn  of  Time  of  Departure  of  Boats — Yellow  Fever 
Causes  Stampede — The  Eastern  Contingent  Arrives  and 
Visits  President  Amador — All  Is  Lively  Again — Last 
Business  Meeting  that  Was  not  the  Last — The  Great 
Eastern  Report — Another  Meeting  Voted — Wishing  Well 
of  Panama. 

On  Friday  morning  the  congresistas  were  taken  to 
the  Culebra  cut  to  learn  how  a  little  mountain  could 
be  gnawed  in  two,  and  show  how  a  big  breakfast  could 
be  swallowed.  As  I  had  heard  all  there  was  to  be  said 
about  the  cut  and  had  gone  through  it  slowly  and  com- 
fortably on  an  express  train,  I  did  not  care  to  hurry 
through  it  on  foot  under  a  hot  sun ;  for  after  all  there 
was  more  to  be  imagined  than  seen.  As  far  as  the 
banquet  was  concerned  there  was  more  to  be  seen 
than  could  be  eaten,  and  my  stomach  needed  rest, 
not  exercise.  But  the  others  had  had  more  experience 
and  practice  in  eating  than  in  fasting  or  dieting,  and 
naturally  preferred  doing  what  they  could  do  best. 

But  I  can  not  pass  this  part  of  my  narrative  without 
indulging  in  a  digression — not  to  my  stomach,  but 
to  the  great  Culebra*  Mountain  Ridge,  Nature's  pre- 

"Culebra  is  the  Spanish  for  serpent. 


16 


241 


242  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

historic  sea  serpent,  which  had  successfully  stood  the 
test  of  earthquakes  and  volcanic  action,  and  had  held 
the  impatient  oceans  apart  ever  since  it  arose  out  of 
the  open  sea  and  divided  them.  It  was  there  when 
Columbus  discovered  the  continent,  when  Cortez 
fought,  Pizarro  crossed  and  Morgan  plundered.  It 
witnessed  the  moving  of  all  the  gold  that  glutted 
Spain.  It  laughed  at  the  engineering  schemes  of  ex- 
plorers. It  snored  at  the  pickaxes  and  shovels  of 
France.  It  balked  the  tricks  of  trusts,  the  greed  of 
commerce  and  the  changes  of  time.  It  is  left  for  U. 
S.  to  conquer  it.  Let  U.  S.  watch  and  pay.  Let  U.  S. 
smite  the  rock  and  start  the  water.  Let  U.  S.,  the  only 
Americans,  live  up  to  our  pretensions.  The  eyes  of 
the  world  are  upon  U.  S.  and  the  great  Culebra,  the 
dreaming  dragon  of  Panama  snores  and  sings,  "Lass 
mich  schlafen"  Let  U.  S.  be  wiser  than  the  serpent. 
Let  U.  S.  return  with  interest  the  gold  that  was  car- 
ried away  by  Spain,  and  our  children  shall  conquer 
the  great  Culebra. 

I  executed  a  little  Chinese  shopping  after  "coffee," 
and  did  considerable  scouting,  trying  to  learn  some- 
thing about  the  departure  of  boats  from  Colon  for 
New  Orleans,  but  accomplished  nothing  definite.  I 
had  written  three  days  before  to  W.  Andrews  &  Co., 
the  agents  at  Colon,  and  had  just  received  an  indefi- 
nite answer  referring  me  to  the  Panama  Estrella  and 
Herald,  in  which  the  arrivals  would  be  announced. 
This  was  quite  unsatisfactory,  for  the  time  of  depart- 


CONGRESS  REDIVIVUS  243 

ure  was  never  known  until  after  the  boats  had  ar- 
rived. And  as  they  always  departed  as  soon  as  they 
had  unloaded,  and  the  consignments  to  Colon  were 
frequently  small,  I  might  not  have  time  to  get  there 
after  the  notice  had  gone  through  the  delays  of  being 
printed  at  Panama  nearly  a  hundred  miles  from  the 
port. 

I  ate  my  eleven  o'clock  breakfast  in  the  usual  way, 
and  afterward  took  my  siesta  in  the  usual  way,  and 
attended  the  three  o'clock  scientific  meeting  in  the 
usual  way,  feeling  much  more  fit  for  mental  exertion 
than  if  I  had  breakfasted  and  bibbed  in  the  Culebra 
cut.  Papers  on  General  Medicine  were  read  and  our 
ignorance  of  life  and  death  scientifically  expounded. 

Yellow  fever  rumors  and  mosquito  stories  had  been 
circulating  since  the  evening  before  and  the  ladies 
were  becoming  panicky  and  were  clamoring  to  return 
to  Colon  to  be  ready  to  catch  the  first  ship  for  home. 
Five  fever  patients  and  two  suspects  had  been  dis- 
covered and  taken  to  the  hospital.  Hence  Doctor  and 
Mrs.  Brower,  Doctor  Waite,  Doctor  Senn,  Doctor  and 
Mrs.  Crile,  Doctor  Newman,  Doctor  Frank  and  sev- 
eral others  did  not  hesitate  to  take  the  afternoon  train 
for  Colon.  I  had  no  fear  of  yellow  fever  and  malaria 
since  mosquitoes  had  corners  on  these  markets  and 
had  not  bitten  me,  or  at  least  had  not  succeeded  in  pen- 
etrating through  my  skin.  Panama  mosquitoes  are 
small  and  have  short  stingers.  Hence  I  concluded 
that  it  was  safe  to  wait  until  the  next  day,  in  order  to 


244  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

see  and  say  goodbye  to  the  fashionable  Easterners 
when  they  "passed  first  base  on  their  home  run." 

About  the  time  our  afternoon  session,  which  was  the 
last  of  the  scientific  ones,  adjourned,  the  Eastern  del- 
egates arrived  under  the  guidance  of  the  faithful  and 
long-suffering  President  Icaza,  who  had  been  at 
Colon  waiting  for  them  since  the  evening  before. 
Those  of  us  who  had  remained  accompanied  the  newly 
arrived  delegates  to  President  Amador's  second  com- 
plimentary reception,  given  in  order  that  none  of  the 
members  might  be  slighted.  Champagne  was  again 
passed  around  and  constituted  the  only  refreshment 
connected  with  the  congress  that  the  Easterners  ar- 
rived in  time  to  enjoy.  And  that  probably  did  not 
come  out  of  the  $25,000  barrel.  The  Westerners  had 
done  their  duty. 

At  the  hotel  all  was  lively  again,  for  the  new  arriv- 
als more  than  replaced  those  who  had  departed,  both 
in  numbers  and  animation.  The  closing  business  meet- 
ing, scheduled  for  8  P.  M.,  was  called  to  order  at  nine 
in  an  immense  scantily  furnished  corner  room  on  the 
second  floor  over  the  barroom.  It  was  called  the  par- 
lor. Ladies  and  guests  were  present,  and  the  ma- 
jority of  the  men  were  in  evening  dress.  The  army 
medical  officers  were  dressed  in  white  duck  suits 
trimmed  with  heavy  white  braid  on  the  front  edges 
of  the  jackets,  on  the  shoulders,  cuffs  and  outer  seams 
of  the  trouser  legs.  This  white,  fancy  dress  suit  con- 
stituted a  tropical  uniform  of  appropriate  beauty  and 


CONGRESS  REDIVIVUS  245 

purity,  and  was  worn  on  full-dress  occasions  by  gov- 
ernment officials.  A  formal  speech  was  made  by  a  del- 
egate of  each  country  represented,  and  finally  the 
Eastern  contingent  asked  the  privilege  of  making  a 
report.  The  favor  was  courteously  granted. 

Doctor  MacDonald,  of  Greater  New  York,  arose 
and  began  his  report.  But  the  forgotten  National 
band  was  in  attendance  below  in  the  patio  and,  think- 
ing it  their  turn,  started  playing,  "There'll  Be  a  Hot 
Time  in  the  Old  Town  To-night,"  so  that  although 
the  doctor's  lips  moved  vigorously  and  there  was  in- 
telligence in  his  facial  expression,  no  voice  could  be 
heard.  The  secretary's  smile  vanished  for  a  moment 
as  he  rushed  out  on  the  veranda  of  the  patio  and  waved 
the  well-meaning  musical  patriots,  who  had  stuck  to 
the  congress  closer  than  friends,  to  silence.  When  or- 
der was  restored  and  smiles  smoothed  out,  the  speaker 
began  again. 

"Mr.  President!  Members  of  the  Fourth  Pan- 
American  Medical  Congress!  Physicians  of  Panama! 
Conquerors  and  possessors  of  this  beautiful  waist  of 
our  glorious  continent,  of  which  the  United  States  is 
the  bosom  and  Brazil  the  bustle! 

"On  behalf  of  those  who,  like  Achilles,  have  been 
beaten  about  by  unpropitious  winds ;  on  behalf  of  those 
who  were  unfortunate  enough  to  embark  in  an  ancient 
ship  called  the  Athos,  built  by  Greeks  and  navigated  by 
dagoes,  and  renamed  by  us  the  Pathos,  I  wish  to  give 
greetings,  and  submit  our  report  to  the  North  Ameri- 


246  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

can  members,  the  Middle  American  members,  and  the 
South  American  member. 

"Our  classic  ship  had  chosen  December  12,  1904,  at 
n  A.  M.  to  sail  from  Baltimore,  and  promised  to 
arrive  at  Colon  the  next  year  in  time  for  us  to  be 
here  to  breakfast  with  you  at  n  A.  M.  But  the  ship 
left  one  day  late.  It  was  bound  for  a  Spanish  country 
where  to-morrow  is  always  in  time,  and  where  to- 
morrow never  arrives.  And  the  jealous  dagoes,  not 
to  be  outdone  by  rivals  or  arrivals  on  the  old  Spanish 
main,  added  another  to-morrow,  and  another,  know- 
ing that  they  had  only  doctors  to  deal  with. 

"And  we,  like  good  Samaritans  and  average  physi- 
cians, allowed  them  to  do  as  they  pleased,  viz.,  to  start 
late  and  put  us  in  a  special  ship  that  has  not  been 
seaworthy  since  the  birth  of  Christ,  and  is  good  only 
for  doctors  who  are  supposed  to  delight  in  resuscitat- 
ing one  another  when  shipwrecked.  And  when  we 
awoke  on  the  day  we  were  to  arrive  for  breakfast  we, 
to  our  surprise,  discovered  that  we  were  three  days 
from  our  destination.  We  consulted,  we  agreed,  but 
we  found  no  remedy.  We  had  no  firearms  about  our 
persons,  and  only  firewater  at  our  disposal.  We  had 
lances  and  poisons  and  corkscrews  with  us,  but  could 
only  kill  time.  And  so  we  allowed  the  dagoes  to  live 
to  bring  us  here. 

"This,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  our  excuse  which 
must,  on  account  of  the  importance  of  our  mission, 
go  on  our  records  as  a  matter  of  history  and  hysteria, 
for  we  had  members  of  both  sexes  among  us. 


CONGRESS  REDIVIVUS  247 

"But  we  are  here,  and  desire  to  thank  you  for  wait- 
ing for  us,  for  delaying  President  Amador's  recep- 
tion until  this  afternoon,  and  the  opening  exercises 
until  this  evening.  We  are  glad  to  come  in  time  to 
assist  you  in  honoring  and  emptying  the  $25,000  bar- 
rel.* 


*The  following  newspaper  clipping  deserves  to  be  pre- 
served as  a  part  of  the  subsequent  history  of  this  remarkable 
boat: 

FACE  DANGERS  OF  OCEAN. 


VACATION  PARTY»IN  PERIL. 

STEAMER    ATHOS    ARRIVES    OFF     SCOTLAND    LIGHT-SHIP     WITH 

A     TALE     OF     WOE       AND      A     LOT     OF     SICK     AND 

HUNGRY     PASSENGERS. 


"NEW  YORK,  Aug.  22. — The  steamer  Athos,  seventeen 
days  late,  with  eight  passengers,  a  cargo  of  rotten  bananas 
and  the  bones  of  half-eaten  sharks  on  board,  arrived  off 
Scotland  light-ship  late  last  night. 

"July  30  the  Donald  Steamship  Company's  steamer  Athos 
left  Port  Antonio,  Jamaica,  for  New  York,  a  six  day's  voyage, 
with  provisions  in  plenty  for  this  short  period.  Three  hours 
out  of  port  an  eccentric  rod  on  the  engine  broke,  and  from 
that  hour  until  last  Sunday,  proceeding  sometimes  only  an 
hour  a  day  under  her  own  steam,  the  Athos  drifted  at  the 
mercy  of  storms,  in  constant  danger  of  famine,  once  without 
drinking  water,  and  receiving  supplies  from  time  to  time  from 
passing  vessels,  until  the  disabled  steamer  gave  up  Aug.  20 
and  signaled  the  Altai  for  a  tow.  This  steamer  brought  the 
Athos  to  New  York. 

"The  trouble  was  in  the  engine  all  the  time.  From  July 
30  to  Aug.  7  one  to  two  breaks  daily  were  recorded.  The 
log  chronicles  the  fact  that  the  daily  delay  was  only  thirty 
minutes  long  Aug.  5.  Two  days  later  the  catching  of  the 
sharks  is  recorded.  Chinamen  on  board  attempted  to  eat 
the  sharks,  but  the  meat  made  them  ill  and  the  fish  were 


248  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

One  of  the  congresistas  arose  to  a  point  of  order 
and  informed  the  ancient  orator  of  the  Athos  that  we 
were  celebrating  the  closing  session,  that  the  meet- 
ings had  been  held,  the  contributions  discussed  and 
the  contents  of  the  barrel  dissipated. 

MacDonald  of  Athos  looked  enquiringly  at  Icaza 
of  Panama  who,  understanding  neither  English  nor 
Athos  when  spoken  so  fluently,  smiled  politely  and 
said  nothing,  while  the  band  taking  advantage  of  a 
moment  of  silence,  played  enthusiastically  and  loudly. 

"Mr.  President,"  he  began  again,  when  the  band  had 

thrown  into  the  sea      During  the  next  two  days  boats  were 
lowered  from  the  Athos  in  search  of  food  fish. 

"BANANAS  TAINT  WATER." 

"Aug.  8  the  disabled  steamer  sighted  the  steamship  Adiron- 
dack and  signaled  'All  well  on  board,'  but  Aug.  10  the  last 
tank  of  water  was  opened  and  was  found  to  be  tainted  with 
the  juice  of  rotting  bananas.  Some  dolphin  were  caught  two 
days  later,  and  Aug.  13  the  incipient  famine  was  relieved  by 
the  steamer  Montevideo,  which  supplied  provisions. 

"Between  Aug.  10  and  17  the  engine's  shaft  was  useless, 
and  not  only  was  the  steamer  forced  to  drift  about  while 
repairs  were  under  way,  but  for  two  days  of  this  period  a 
great  storm  and  high  seas  broke  over  the  helpless  steamship. 
The  log  meanwhile  indicates  that  more  dolphin  were  caught. 
Aug.  18  the  coupling  flange  broke  and  the  Athos  abandoned 
the  attempt  to  make  New  York  under  her  own  steam,  after 
twenty  days  of  repeated  accidents.  It  was  decided  to  accept 
the  first  offer  of  a  tow.  This  did  not  come  for  two  days, 
during  which  a  second  famine  was  averted  by  the -steamer 
Vera,  which  came  alongside  the  Athos,  supplying  food  and 
drink. 

"Worse  even  than  the  danger  of  famine  and  of  thirst,  the 
passengers  say,  was  the  odor  of  the  decaying  banana  cargo. 

"At  Scotland  light-ship  last  night  the  tow  line  broke  as 
a  last  chapter  in  her  long  series  of  accidents,  and  the  Athos 
could  not  repair  the  broken  line  in  the  dark,  but  anchored 
for  the  night,  while  the  Altai  brought  her  passengers  to  quar- 
antine. To-day  tugs  were  sent  out  to  bring  the  Athos  into 
port." 


CONGRESS  REDIVIVUS  249 

done  its  duty,  "I  am  glad  there  is  a  congresista  left 
to  tell  the  tale.  I  understand  that  the  previous  delib- 
erations of  the  congress  have  been  carried  on  by  a 
minority  (since  the  majority  were  in  the  Athos,  now 
the  Pathos,  holding  majority  meetings)  and  are  there- 
fore void.  If  they  are  not  void,  I  move  that  they  be 
voided,  and  that  the  congress  begin  over  again." 

The  secretary  ventured  to  say  that  such  was  an  im- 
possibility since  there  was  nothing  left  of  the  $25,000 
barrel  but  a  barrel  of  beer,  a  hundred  bottles  of 
White  Rock,  a  can  of  evaporated  cream,  and  half  a 
bottle  of  Mountain  Dew. 

"Then  I  withdraw  my  motion,"  said  the  speaker, 
"and  move  that  all  of  the  meetings  held  on  the  Athos, 
and  afterward  on  the  Pathos,  be  reported  in  full  to 
the  secretary,  and  be  constituted  a  part  of  the  transac- 
tions of  the  Fourth  Pan-American  Medical  Congress. 

The  South  American  delegate  arose  and  spoke 
against  the  motion  as  being  irregular  and  unparlia- 
mentary, and  would  establish  a  bad  precedent.  He 
wished  to  place  the  vote  of  the  entire  continent  of 
South  America  on  record  against  it. 

Doctor  MacDonald  replied,  saying  that  he  spoke 
for  North  America.  He  was  from  Greater  New 
York,  in  which  lived  one  out  of  every  twenty-one  per- 
sons of  the  United  States ;  the  others  lived  out  of  town. 
Therefore,  in  behalf  of  those  he  represented,  he  felt 
it  his  duty  to  insist  upon  the  motion.  It  would  en- 
able the  Athosnians  or  Pathosnians  (whichever  name 
might  in  the  future  prevail)  to  hold  another  closing 
scientific  session  manana  for  the  presentation  of  the 
Pathos  proceedings,  and  to  leave  immediately  after- 


250  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

ward  so  as  to  reach  Havana  on  the  last  day  of  the 
meeting  of  the  Pan-American  Public  Health  Asso- 
ciation— and  be  able  to  do  the  same  thing  there.  Mac- 
Donald  was  a  born  leader,  and  conducted  himself 
more  like  a  man  accustomed  to  dictate  terms  at  the 
head  of  a  nation  rather  than  at  the  head  of  a  bed. 

The  president  listened  with  rapt  attention  and,  not 
understanding  the  New  York  dialect,  smiled  politely 
in  approval.  Thereupon  the  secretary  put  the  motion 
and  the  Pathosnians,  being  in  the  majority,  carried  it. 
The  secretary  explained  the  situation  to  the  presi- 
dent, who  smiled  and  nodded,  but  whether  'twas  with 
pleasure,  displeasure  or  in  sarcasm,  no  one  knew.  A 
motion  to  adjourn  to  meet  at  8  A.  M.  the  next  morn- 
ing prevailed.  The  band  then  played  Mendels- 
sohn's "Wedding  March"  and  the  meeting  broke  up 
brilliantly. 

What  transpired  at  the  business  meeting  the  next 
morning  at  8  A.  M.,  I  do  not  know,  for  I  took  the  train 
for  Colon  at  seven,  fearing  to  delay  any  longer  lest 
in  the  meantime  a  ship  might  arrive  and  set  sail  with 
my  Chicago  friends. 

I  was  treated  well  by  the  Panamanians  right  up  to 
the  end,  and  will  always  retain  a  kind  feeling  for  them 
and  their  gentlemanly  doctors.  I  hope  that  Panama 
will  apply  for  statehood  in  the  United  States  in  the  near 
future.  We  like  the  Panamanians,  and  wish  to  take 
them  into  our  family  and  share  with  them  our  pros- 
perity, our  affections  and  their  afflictions.  Colombians 
are  apt  to  distrust  us  and  believe  that  we  have  captured 
Panama,  but  they  are  mistaken.  Panama  has  captured 
us  and  our  money,  and  we  forgive  them. 


CHAPTER  V 

To  See  Ourselves  as  Others  See  Us 

Comparisons — Our  Countrymen  Refined  in  Feeling  but  often 
Inconsiderate  in  Conduct — Instances  of  the  Latter  Qual- 
ity— Thoughtlessness  and  Indifference  in  Public — Gour- 
mands— Three  Varieties — The  Young  or  Simple  Gour- 
mand— The  Acquired  or  Temperamental  Gourmand — 
The  Specialized  or  Calculating  Gourmand — Dangers  of 
Gourmandizing — Evading  the  Results. 

To  be  or  not  to  be  polite,  that  is  the  question. 
Whether  'tis  nobler  in  the  mind  to  suffer 
The  slings  and  arrows  of  outrageous  manners, 
As  the  courteous  Spaniard  does  before  U.  S., 
Or  to  take  up  arms  against  a  sea  of  courtesy 
And,  by  opposing,  end  it? — To  smile — to — bow 
No  more; — and  by  such  conduct  end 
The  inconvenience  and  the  thousand  amenities 
Politeness  calls  for — etc. 

During  the  ride  back  to  Colon  on  Saturday  morn- 
ing, instead  of  admiring  the  scenery  I  fell  into  a  sort 
of  saturnine  revery  appropriate  to  the  winding  up  of  a 
medico-social  congress  in  a  country  in  which  hos- 
pitality and  its  time-honored  formalities  had  not  yet 
suffered  deterioration.  I  had  associated  during  my 
first  week  in  Panama  with  Spanish  Americans  and 
cabmen,  and  during  the  second  week  with  my  own 
countrymen  and,  being  in  the  proper  mood,  could  not 


252  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

help  making  comparisons.  The  Spanish  Americans 
and  cabmen  had  been  polite  and  courteous,  while  the 
manners  of  some  of  the  no  less  worthy  North  Ameri- 
cans had  been  as  unpolished  as  their  boots. 

We  have  plenty  of  money  as  compared  with  these 
poor  Panamanians,  and  we  know  it;  everybody  knows 
it.  We  enjoy  spending  it  freely  entertaining  and 
"treating''  friends  and  acquaintances,  or  in  doing  them 
favors,  yet  we  are  apt  to  be  exacting  and  business- 
like in  our  casual  relations  with  strangers  whose  in- 
terests conflict  with  ours  or  who  do  not  awaken  our 
sympathies.  We  generally  know  what  ordinary  po- 
liteness demands  of  us,  and  practise  it  upon  special 
occasions  when  we  are  on  our  behavior,  but  we  are 
too  natural  to  cultivate  politeness  for  its  own  sake. 
Society  manners  have  for  us  a  savor  of  insincerity, 
and  we  so  often  neglect  to  assume  its  conventional 
forms  that  we  finally  forget  to  do  so  and  become  im- 
polite by  habit.  In  crowds  we  push  ahead,  fail  to 
give  others  their  rights  and  commit  all  sorts  of  petty 
improprieties.  In  registering  at  a  hotel  or  buying  a 
ticket  or  choosing  a  seat  in  a  public  place,  we  are  apt 
to  take  advantage  of  those  who  politely  take  their 
turn,  unless  we  are  reminded  that  we  must  not  tres- 
pass, when  we  may  feel  ashamed  and  subside.  In 
Paris  one  is  knocked  down  or  put  out  for  such  behav- 
ior. Hence,  Parisians  are  polite. 

At  Hotel  Central  a  copy  of  the  daily  newspaper 
was  placed  in  the  office  for  reference  in  looking  up 
announcements  and  news  items,  and  was  kept  careful- 
ly folded  at  one  end  of  the  counter,  against  an  ele- 


TO  SEE  OURSELVES  AS  OTHERS  SEE  US  253 

vated  case,  to  show  that  it  was  not  a  stray  paper. 
When  the  members  of  the  congress  arrived  it  soon 
disappeared.  A  Westerner,  who  probably  wished  to 
save  his  nickel  and  did  not  think  of  anything  else, 
came  out  of  the  dining-room  after  breakfast,  saw  it, 
took  it  up,  carried  it  to  the  front  door,  seated  him- 
self and  read  it  for  twenty  minutes.  He  then  put  it 
under  him  and  sat  on  it.  He  might  at  least  have  re- 
turned the  paper  for  which  he  had  not  paid  to  its 
place.  He  would  still  have  saved  his  nickel.  Prob- 
ably he  knew  better  than  he  did,  but  had  acquired  the 
habit  of  not  stopping  to  think,  and  anyway  didn't  care 
Adam. 

Another  instance  of  thoughtless  conduct  was  that 
of  a  very  prominent,  distinguished-looking  physician 
whom  I  found  sitting  at  my  table  one  evening  when 
I  came  to  dinner.  He  was  waiting  to  be  served,  and 
sat  there  with  both  elbows  on  the  table,  gazing  dream- 
ily at  the  ceiling  and  nibbling  at  a  crust  of  bread  which 
he  held  in  both  hands.  He  was  probably  tired — too 
tired,  or  perhaps  too  indifferent,  to  remember  his  table 
manners.  Besides  there  was  no  one  else  at  the  table, 
and  those  about  him  at  the  other  tables  were  all  stran- 
gers; and  what  did  he  care  for  them,  so  his  elbows 
were  rested  and  his  hunger  relieved. 

American  travelers  will  gladly  pay  a  good  price 
for  a  good  meal  or  a  good  room,  yet  will  often  sneak 
out  of  feeing  the  waiter  or  porter,  when  they  know 
it  is  the  custom  to  give  small  fees.  It  may  be  wrong 
to  fee  waiters,  but  the  Bible  says  there  is  a  time 
for  everything. 


254  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

I  am  sorry  to  say  that  a  member  of  the  Pan-Ameri- 
can Medical  Congress  was  guilty  of  rudeness  toward 
the  lovable,  ever-smiling  secretary,  Doctor  Calvo.  The 
member  refused  to  pay  the  full  registration  fee  of  ten 
dollars  in  gold  because  a  friend  who  had  been  to  the 
congress  when  it  met  in  Mexico,  had  told  him  that  he 
only  paid  five  dollars  in  gold.  Doctor  Calvo  looked 
at  him  with  that  pleasant,  meek  smile  of  his,  shrugged 
his  shoulders,  showed  him  the  printed  rules  calling  for 
ten  dollars  in  gold,  and  said,  "Ah!  In  Mexico!  Your 
friend  make  it  go  dere,  but  /  can  not  make  it  go  here," 
and  kept  on  smiling.  A  North  American  official 
would  neither  have  joked  nor  smiled,  nor  have  exhibit- 
ed such  politeness — a  politeness  that  did  credit  to  the 
little  secretary,  and  certainly  seemed  preferable  to 
our  sincere  but  abrupt  U.  S.  method  of  dealing  with 
such  customers.  When  the  objector  had  left  without 
registering,  Doctor  Calvo,  with  a  scintillating  smile, 
whispered  in  my  ear  the  Spanish  proverb,  "Long 
journey,  long  lies." 

This  out-and-out,  straightforward,  honest  North 
American  only  wanted  his  rights,  and  did  not  stop  or 
care  to  consider  that  politeness  made  it  obligatory, 
and  that  a  finer  feeling  would  have  made  it  a  pleasure, 
to  pay  even  double  dues  to  the  half  dozen  physicians 
of  the  smallest  and  poorest  republic  on  the  continent 
who  were  straining  themselves  to  entertain  a  crowd  of 
physicians  from  the  largest  and  richest  republic  in  the 
world,  and  who  would  be  responsible  to  the  printer 
for  the  cost  of  the  transactions.  He  did  not  refuse, 
however,  to  partake  of  his  share  of  the  $25,000  appro- 


TO  SEE  OURSELVES  AS  OTHERS  SEE  US  255 

priated  by  their  government  for  our  entertainment. 
A  Spaniard  under  similar  circumstances  might  have 
felt  imposed  upon,  but  he  would  have  smiled  and  paid 
— which  is  politeness.  "He  who  sows  courtesy  reaps 
friendship,"  is  another  Spanish  proverb.  But  the  hon- 
est, home-made  doctor  could  not  appreciate  foreign- 
manners  and  methods,  and  remarked  to  a  friend,  on 
another  occasion,  that  those  Spanish  fellows  were  too 
blamed  polite  for  him.  They  reminded  him  of  Josh 
Billings'  geese  who  lowered  their  heads  while  going 
through  a  barn  doorway  eighteen  feet  high.  But  that 
sort  of  doctors  are  gradually  dying  off.  Better  be 
such  a  goose  than  such  a  doctor. 

I  do  not  know  whether  I  ought  to  say  anything 
about  our  American  gourmands  or  not.  Gourmands 
are  indigenous  to  all  countries  but  there  are  certain 
species  in  this  country  that  are  more  or  less  character- 
istic. In  foreign  nations,  as  everywhere,  the  healthy 
child  is  always  a  gourmand,  but  he  is  usually  taught 
table  manners  quite  early  unless  he  belongs  to  the 
lower  classes,  where  caste  immures  him,  and  where 
polished  manners  do  not  form  a  part  of  politeness. 
But  in  this  country  so  many  men  whose  parents  were 
uncultured  or  negligent  in  their  parental  duties,  are 
successful  in  obtaining  the  means  with  which  to  live 
well  and  travel,  that  the  American  gourmand  is  met 
everywhere.  When  you  see  him  eat,  you  know  what 
he  is,  no  matter  where  he  is  or  what  he  eats.  His 
palate  and  purse  are  not  in  the  same  class.  He  car- 
ries cowboy  manners  among  cultivated  people,  adver- 
tising abroad  the  American  brand  of  "Liberty,  equal- 
ity and  fraternity." 


256     THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

I  will  mention  three  concrete  cases:  one,  of  the 
youthful  starved  gourmand;  another,  of  the  mature, 
temperamental  variety,  the  gourmet;  and  another,  the 
deliberate,  systematic  complete  gourmand. 

The  young  gourmand  first  attracted  my  attention 
by  his  pale  complexion,  sunken  cheeks  and  spindle 
legs.  I  diagnosed  consumption  at  first  sight,  but  was 
only  half  right.  His  sunken  uneasy  eye  suggested 
starvation.  In  our  conversation  which  inevitably 
turned  to  eating  and  drinking,  he  said  that  he  did  not 
see  how  people  could  eat  too  much,  and  that  he  never 
injured  himself  eating — he  did  not  live  to  eat.  I  nat- 
urally inferred  that  he  really  was  in  need  of  a  little 
gourmandizing. 

I  watched  him  at  dinner.  He  was  the  first  at  table 
and  as  I  came  in  he  sat  there  eating  olives  and  flirting 
with  wild-eyed  impatience,  first  with  one  dish,  then 
with  another.  When  soup  was  served  he  stretched 
out  his  arm  to  assist  the  waiter  in  putting  it  down,  as  if 
afraid  that  a  drop  might  be  spilled;  and  immediately 
bowed  down  his  head  over  it  and  "done  his  level  best." 
He  had  finished  it  by  the  time  the  others  were  fairly 
started.  He  then  reached  for  the  chow-chow,  put  a 
few  pieces  on  his  bread-plate,  ate  them  quickly  and 
sat  glancing  at  the  hors-d'oeuvres  that  were  out  of  his 
reach.  He  spoke  to  no  one,  but  sat  leaning  slightly 
forward  like  a  panther  ready  to  spring  at  meat  or 
whatever  might  come  within  his  reach.  Pretty  soon 
he  asked  his  neighbor  to  pass  him  the  radishes,  and 
put  a  few  on  his  plate.  Finishing  these,  he  asked  for 
the  olives.  He  was  very  quiet,  and  perhaps  no  one  but 


TO  SEE  OURSELVES  AS  OTHERS  SEE  US  257 

myself,  who  sat  opposite  to  him,  noticed  his  famine. 
When  the  meats  began  to  come,  his  head  went  up  and 
his  nose  was  leveled  at  it  like  a  pointer  dog's.  He 
did  not,  however,  eat  very  much  of  the  meat  or  veg- 
etables, but  took  a  large  quantity  of  jelly  with  it,  and 
afterward  more  jelly.  When  the  dessert  came  he 
helped  himself  liberally,  ate  it  rapidly  and  looked  at 
the  plates  of  the  others  as  if  he  wanted  more.  While 
they  were  eating  theirs  leisurely  and  conversing,  he 
handed  his  plate  to  the  waiter  and  asked  for  a  clean 
one.  As  soon  as  he  got  it  he  reached  across  the  table 
for  an  orange  and  ate  it,  then  an  apple,  then  some 
raisins.  While  the  others  were  finishing  he  sat  and 
watched  their  plates,  first  looking  longingly  at  one 
and  then  at  another,  thus  tantalizing  himself  until  the 
last  person  had  left  the  table.  Then  as  he  got  up  he 
put  an  apple  and  an  orange  in  his  pocket.  The  dinner 
seemed  to  be  an  hour  of  anxiety  and  longing  rather 
than  an  hour  of  rest  and  enjoyment.  Two  hours  later 
he  was  eating  an  apple  on  deck,  when  his  friend,  upon 
noticing  it,  said,  "I  declare,  you  eat  about  every  five 
minutes  in  the  day." 

I  suppose  that  this  stuffed  gourmand,  this  food -con- 
sumptive, this  sweetmeat  starveling,  this  hors 
d'oeuvre  horror,  really  thought  that  he  did  not  eat 
much  because  he  did  not  believe  in  eating  much  hearty 
food  and  that  hors  d'oeuvres,  sweets  and  fruit  did  not 
count  heavily  as  food,  and  that  he  could  eat  them  all 
of  the  time  without  injury  to  himself.  It  is  true  that 
there  is  not  a  large  proportion  of  food  value  in  most 
of  our  Northern  fruits  nor  much  proportionate  diges- 

17 


258  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

tion  required,  but  there  is  often  a  great  deal  of  indi- 
gestion to  them.  The  amount  of  stomach  space  and 
absorption  required  to  accommodate  the  constant  in- 
flux of  the  mass  of  fruits  and  sweetmeats  he  ate  would 
have  enabled  him  to  appropriate  enough  meat  and 
bread  and  butter  to  fill  out  the  sockets  in  his  eyes,  the 
cups  in  his  cheeks  and  the  bows  in  his  thighs,  and  con- 
vert his  restive  panther  expression  to  that  of  a  sleek, 
mild-eyed  pussy  cat. 

The  mature,  temperamental  gourmand  is  a  square 
trotter  with  a  record.  He  goes  straight  for  the  goal 
and  beats  the  field.  He  is  talkative  and  good-natured, 
and  not  only  enjoys  good  food  but  enjoys  himself  and 
his  surroundings  while  eating.  He  is  greedy  from 
selfishness  and  a  desire  to  get  all  there  is  out  of  a 
meal,  rather  than  greedy  from  any  unnatural  craving 
for  food.  He  has  the  best  he  can  afford.  He  fees  the 
waiter  and  gets  served  first  and  well,  to  the  disadvan- 
tage of  others  who  depend  upon  the  same  waiter  and 
always  have  to  wait;  he  makes  waiters  of  us  all.  He 
is  frank  and  open  in  his  conduct  and  unconscious  of 
inconveniencing  others.  He  is  apt  to  be  a  good  man- 
ager, and  enjoys  his  success  in  getting  the  best  of  the 
meal,  and  supposes  that  others  are  also  looking  out 
for  number  one.  He  has  the  touch  of  nature  that 
makes  the  whole  world  kin,  for  we  all  love  the  best 
to  eat,  and  Christian  charity  should  lead  us  to  enjoy 
seeing  others  get  it. 

The  third  kind,  the  many-sided,  systematic  gour- 
mand, has  not  the  wild  greed  of  the  panther  nor  the 
competitive  go  of  the  race-horse;  he  is  more  like  the 


TO  SEE  OURSELVES  AS  OTHERS  SEE  US  259 

domestic  animal.  He  adapts  himself  to  his  surround- 
ings, and  watches  for  chances.  You  may  eat  with  him 
once  and  notice  nothing,  for  he  knows  he  eats  as  he 
ought  not,  and  may  dissemble  and  restrain  himself  in 
company.  But  among  intimate  friends  or  among  en- 
tire strangers  he  indulges  himself  more  or  less  covert- 
ly. When  he  sits  down  at  table  he  soon  begins  to  help 
himself  to  such  hors  d'oeuvres  as  are  near.  He  talks 
a  little  when  not  daft  after  some  dish;  but  if  maneu- 
vering for  something,  answers  questions  absent- 
mindedly,  although  he  may  start  up  and  answer  more 
in  detail  after  having  obtained  what  he  was  after.  If 
the  soup  is  good  he  eats  it  quickly,  and  if  he  can  catch 
the  waiter's  eye  he  may,  without  attracting  attention, 
get  another  plate  of  it.  Between  courses  he  keeps 
himself  busy  eating  of  the  dainties  within  reach,  or 
quietly  asks  his  neighbor  to  pass  what  is  out  of  his 
reach.  His  jaws  work  constantly  and  contentedly.  If 
anything  is  passed  he  takes  some  and  eats  it  immedi- 
ately, and  is  ready  for  more,  should  it  be  passed  back 
to  its  place.  He  is  a  master  of  opportunity.  If  a 
friend  has  wine  or  other  delicacy  and  offers  it  to  him 
he  invariably  accepts  and  takes  a  liberal  quantity,  and 
will  usually  accept  a  second  time  although  with  a  half- 
expressed  excuse  for  taking  it.  Or,  if  his  neighbor 
does  not  offer  it  he  will  delicately  hint  for  it  by  ques- 
tioning or  by  praising  it,  and  when  it  is  offered  say, 
"Just  a  taste,  to  see  what  it  is  like,"  and  will  help 
himself  liberally.  He  eats  steadily  and  cares  but  little 
for  conversation  until  there  is  an  interval  when  noth- 
ing is  being  passed  or  can  be  reached  or  be  asked  for, 


260  THE  PAN-AMERICAN  MEDICAL  CONGRESS 

or  until  the  dessert  is  served  and  there  is  nothing  more 
to  be  had,  when  he  becomes  quite  congenial.  He  is 
not  a  suborner  of  the  morals  and  manners  of  waiters. 
He  is  stingy  out  of  selfishness  and  smallness,  and  usual- 
ly obtains  what  he  wants  without  recourse  to  tipping. 

Nature  is  kind  to  him  in  not  killing  him  outright. 
As  a  rule,  she  has  arranged  our  systems  so  that  the 
excesses  partly  correct  themselves.  The  superfluous 
food  acts  mechanically  to  evacuate  itself  from  the  sys- 
tem and  may  for  a  time  act  less  harmfully  than  would 
a  constant  moderate  excess.  But  Nature  is  consistent. 
Appendicitis  and  gallstones  lie  in  wait  for  him ;  ulcera- 
tion  and  cancer  of  the  stomach,  diabetes,  Bright's  dis- 
ease, rheumatism,  gout,  asthma,  dropsy,  apoplexy,  etc., 
are  at  the  other  end  of  his  path,  and  if  one  of  them  does 
not  attack  him  soon,  another  will  later.  The  danger  of 
living  lies  in  eating.  To  die  of  one  of  these  diseases, 
or  to  require  an  operation  for  appendicitis  or  gall- 
stones ought  to  make  the  victim  ashamed  of  himself. 

I  have  not  wasted  words  on  our  ordinary,  every- 
day business  gourmand,  the  one  who  dines  at  home 
or  in  a  boarding-house,  and  lunches  at  restaurants, 
and  goes  but  little  into  what  is  called  society.  He  is 
a  hard  worker,  perhaps  a  hustler.  He  is  a  necessary 
evil  and  is  tolerable  until  he  eats,  which  he  does  as  an 
automobile  travels.  He  takes  large  bites  in  rapid 
succession,  fingers  his  food  to  help  make  schedule  time 
and  talks  with  his  mouth  full,  if  he  is  a  talker.  He  is 
too  numerous  to  mention  and  too  common  to  require 
a  description. 


TO  SEE  OURSELVES  AS  OTHERS  SEE  US    261 

These  may  not  be  representative  types,  but  they  rep- 
resent actual  observations  and  they  abound.  They 
may  not  be  peculiarly  American  but  they  were  Ameri- 
cans. They  are  somewhat  different  from  European 
gourmands  I  have  seen.  The  higher  the  grade  of 
civilization  the  less  pronounced  the  types.  Each  coun- 
try, in  fact,  has  its  own  varieties,  and  they  are  found 
everywhere  except  at  the  poles.  Yet  even  in  the  Arc- 
tic regions  travelers  are  apt  to  be  great  gourmands, 
although  seldom  gourmets.  They  have  been  known 
to  eat  everything  in  sight,  from  hair  oil  to  shoe  polish, 
from  old  shoes  to  dish  cloths,  and  boast  of  it  afterward 
— if  they  survived  it. 


PART   III 


BACK 


PART  III 


CHAPTER  I 

Accommodations  at  Colon 

Arrival — Queer  Methods  of  the  Manager  of  Washington 
Hotel — Driving  People  Away — The  Astor  Hotel  and  the 
Swiss  Hotel — The  Town  Noises — Advantages  of  the  Wash- 
ington Hotel — Reason  for  the  Peculiar  Treatment — The 
Veranda  and  the  Breeze — A  Delightful  Room  to  Sleep 
in — A  Healthy  Situation  at  Last — The  Shower  Bath  and 
"Next" — A  Bald-headed  Dude  in  a  Three-bedded  Room 
— The  Meals — No  More  Siestas  Needed — Gathering  Cocoa- 
nuts  and  Throwing  Them  into  the  Sea — A  Fine  Place  for 
Useless  Windmills — A  Doctor  Goes  Hunting — A  Tropical 
Shower  and  a  Glorious  Morning. 

The  remainder  of  the  Western  contingent,  includ- 
ing myself,  arrived  at  Colon  about  10  A.  M.  on  Satur- 
day, January  7th,  and  went  to  the  Washington  Hotel. 
As  usual  the  manager  had  no  vacant  beds.  A  guest 
arriving  in  the  morning  would  find  him  busy  with  his 
little  grocery  store  that  adjoined  the  hotel  office,  and 
could  not  ascertain  whether  any  vacancies  would  oc- 
cur before  night  or  not.  If  a  guest  arrived  in  the  af- 
ternoon the  places  had  been  given  to  those  who  had 
arrived  in  the  morning.  I  knew  this  and  waited  until 

265 


266  BACK 

the  manager  could  give  me  more  definite  information. 
Doctor  and  Mrs.  Crile  and  Doctor  and  Mrs.  Palmer, 
however,  were  square-dealing  and  plain-speaking 
North  Americans,  and  took  him  at  his  word  when 
he  shrugged  his  Italian  shoulders  and  said  in  French 
that  he  had  no  empty  beds  or  rooms.  They  went  to 
the  Astor  Hotel  where  Doctor  and  Mrs.  Brower  were 
stopping  and  which  was  located  near  the  center  of  the 
town,  one  short  block  from  the  main  street  and  main 
noises.  They  said  that  the  food  was  quite  satisfactory 
after  it  had  been  supplemented  by  the  fruit  laid  in  by 
them  and  which  could  always  be  obtained  at  the  public 
market.  Doctor  Brower  and  his  followers  seemed  to 
think  that  in  Colon  man  could  live  by  fruit  alone,  but 
many  of  us  felt  that  we  could  live  by  water  alone ;  and 
thus  we  were  divided  into  two  camps,  one  near  the 
market  and  the  other  near  the  sea.  A  few  West- 
erners who  had  no  patience  with  the  foreign 
diplomacy  of  the  Washington  Hotel  manager  found 
good  rooms  and  eatable  food  at  the  Swiss  Hotel, 
which  was  located  on  the  main  business  thoroughfare 
called  Front  Street.  There  it  was  noisy  within  as  well 
as  without,  for  the  building  was  a  wooden  shell  that 
conveyed  the  indoor  sounds  from  hall  to  hall  and  room 
to  room  until  the  last  guest  was  in  bed.  A  merry-go- 
round  with  its  shrill  music  marred  the  early  evening, 
the  carousing  public  disturbed  the  late  evening  and 
the  switch  engines  and  freight  trains  puffed  and  rat- 
tled all  night  along  the  main  street  in  a  way  that  sug- 
gested insomnia.  As  the  town  was  only  three  streets 
wide  and  the  third  street  was  on  stilts  over  stagnant 


SQUARE  IN  COLOX 
Showing  Tent  of  the  Merry-go-round 


ACCOMMODATIONS  AT  COLON  267 

water  and  inhabited  only  by  negroes,  it  was  impossible 
to  get  far  away  from  the  noises  and  noisomeness.  Be- 
sides, the  sea  breeze  did  not  blow  through  the  town  as 
it  blew  at  the  Washington,  and  the  rooms  were  so  hot 
that  refreshing  sleep  was  impossible,  even  when  the  din 
subsided  for  a  few  moments. 

The  Washington  Hotel  was,  in  fact,  the  only  one 
in  which  one  could  live  without  suffering  in  health 
from  the  heat,  noises  and  inconveniences.  It  was  not 
a  good  hotel,  but  it  had  three  features  that  rendered 
it  attractive,  viz.,  its  name,  a  bath-house  and  a  sea 
breeze.  The  reason  for  the  difficulty  in  obtaining  lodg- 
ing was  that  it  belonged  to  the  Panama  railway  and 
was  leased  to  the  manager  rent  free,  with  the  proviso 
that  he  was  to  be  ready  at  all  times  to  take  care  of 
any  of  the  railroad  employees  that  might  be  sent  there. 
This  made  it  necessary  for  him  to  wait  until  late  in  the 
day  before  filling  all  of  his  rooms.  His  foreign  di- 
plomacy that  repelled  the  doctors  was  dictated  by 
American  business  methods. 

While  I  was  waiting,  Doctors  Frank  and  Newman 
invited  me  to  camp  with  them  for  a  few  hours  or 
days  until  I  could  get  a  bed  elsewhere.  I  accepted, 
and  found  them  located  in  the  same  old  three-bedded, 
one-sided,  breezeless  bunking-place  in  the  wing  of 
the  building,  that  had  driven  me  away  two  weeks  be- 
fore. It  was  a  sort  of  room-like  receptacle  used  for 
late  comers.  The  third  bed  was  occupied  by  a  stran- 
ger, and  the  place  was  so  full  of  the  belongings  of 
the  three  occupants  that  there  was  not  even  space 
for  me  to  sleep  on  the  floor. 


268  BACK 

After  piling  my  things  behind  the  door  and  under 
the  table  I  went  to  the  combination  sitting-room, 
writing-room  and  barroom.  This  was  about  twenty 
feet  square  and  the  only  place  to  sit  in  unless 
we  except  the  barber's  den,  which  was  about  ten  feet 
square,  and  the  hotel  office,  which  was  of  the  same 
size  but  more  than  half  filled  by  a  large  flat  desk.  The 
hotel  conveniences  were  practically  all  out-of-doors, 
and  every  one  sat  on  the  lower  veranda,  where  the 
steady  sea  breeze  blew  as  if  from  a  thousand  electric 
fans.  The  veranda  was  worth  forty  parlors  and  sit- 
ting-rooms, and  no  one  complained. 

I  waited  patiently  until  the  hotel-keeper  had  taken 
the  indispensable  siesta,  and  was  rewarded  by  getting 
a  bed  in  a  double  room  on  the  second  or  upper  floor. 
It  had  a  door  and  window  facing  the  sea  to  let  the 
breeze  in,  and  another  door  and  window  on  the  oppo- 
site side  to  let  the  breeze  out,  and  covered  verandas 
on  both  sides.  By  keeping  the  windows  and  doors 
open  a  veritable  gale  could  be  kept  blowing  through 
the  room  and  over  the  beds  day  and  night,  thus  mak- 
ing sleep  not  only  possible,  but  delightful  and  refresh- 
ing. It  was  like  being  blown  into  the  temperate  zone, 
like  going  home  for  the  night;  and  I  felt  -that  with 
this  room  and  the  lower  veranda  I  could  remain  at 
Colon  a  month  with  great  benefit  to  my  health,  instead 
of  daily  losing  ground  as  those  who  were  staying  at  the 
other  hotels  certainly  would. 

Although  the  bath-house  was  accessible  from  the 
ground  floor  only,  we  had  a  shower  bath  on  our  floor 
that  was  very  convenient  and  very  popular.  Every 


WASHINGTON  HOTEL,  STREET  FRONT,  COLON 

Behind  the  lower  sign  a  short  passageway  leading 
through  to  the  water  front 


ACCOMMODATIONS  AT  COLON  269 

morning  soon  after  daybreak  and  every  evening  be- 
fore retiring,  the  guests  put  on  bath-robes  or  over- 
coats, whichever  they  happened  to  possess,  stole  along 
the  veranda  to  the  shower  room  and  had  a  refreshing 
time  under  the  shower.  The  water  which  was  rain- 
water, was  not  cold  enough  to  be  chilly  and  could 
be  enjoyed  for  an  almost  indefinite  time,  or  until  one 
was  obliged  to  give  place  to  "next." 

As  a  roommate  I  had  Doctor  Morrow  of  San  Fran- 
cisco, a  genial  young  man  of  wholesale  proportions, 
who  had  a  ready  laugh  and  knew  a  thing  or  two 
about  bubonic  plague,  leprosy  and  other  interesting 
curiosities.  I  was  more  than  satisfied. 

But  not  so  Doctor  Frank.  The  stranger  who  shared 
the  hot  air  of  the  one-sided,  three-bedded  room  with 
him  and  Doctor  Newman,  was  a  bachelor  and  a  dude 
who  filled  the  place  with  toilet  articles  and  perfumes, 
and  spent  most  of  his  time  undressing  and  dressing. 
His  best  and  most  constant,  possibly  his  only,  friend 
was  the  looking-glass.  Doctor  Frank  pointed  him 
out  to  me  in  the  afternoon  as  he  came  sauntering 
along  the  walk  in  front  of  the  veranda:  an  immacu- 
lately dressed,  red-whiskered,  delicate-skinned  dandy 
who  had  polished  the  hair  off  the  top  of  his  head  and 
was  proud  of  the  incandescent  horseshoe  fringe  that 
connected  his  beard  with  the  back  of  his  head.  As  he 
sauntered  along  beaming  with  self-satisfaction  and 
shining  with  bare-headed  brightness,  we  gazed  at 
him;  and  he  seemed  to  think  that  we  were  admiring 
him,  and  was  apparently  not  displeased.  Moral:  Be 
vain  and  you  will  be  happy. — Vanity  had  at  least  made 


270  BACK 

something  out  of  him.  Those  who  have  no  vanity 
live  in  darkness,  undiscovered  and  unappreciated. 

I  did  not  feel  compelled  to  take  siestas  here  and 
preferred  to  stroll  about  along  the  breezy  beach  hunting 
shells,  or  sitting  on  the  veranda  smoking  and  talking 
with  Doctors  Waite,  Senn,  Newman,  Frank  and  Mor- 
row, and  with  others  who  came  to  visit  us  from  the 
other  camp. 

While  we  were  there  the  negroes  gathered  the  cocoa- 
nuts  and  trimmed  the  cocoa  palms  that  fringed  the 
beach.  This  was  a  very  interesting  sight.  A  bare- 
footed negro  would  put  a  hatchet  in  his  belt,  catch 
hold  of  a  tree  trunk  with  his  hands  and  rapidly  walk 
up  the  tree  just  as  a  man  with  spikes  fastened  on 
his  ankles  walks  up  a  telegraph  pole,  except  that  he 
used  his  bare  toes  with  which  to  cling  to  the  corru- 
gated bark.  A  monkey  could  not  have  done  better, 
nor  looked  better.  The  cocoa  palm  that  grows  on  the 
seashore,  although  tall,  is  always  slender  and  some- 
what inclined,  and  is  thus  favorable  for  climbing.  Nev- 
ertheless the  climber  must  have  the  great  strength  of 
his  remote  ancestors  in  his  toes,  as  well  as  a  steady 
head,  to  climb  so  high  in  that  way.  Upon  arriving 
at  the  top  he  chops  off  the  branches  that  bear  nuts 
and  then  trims  the  tree  by  removing  those  that  hang 
downward.  In  less  than  ten  minutes  he  is  down  and 
toes  up  the  next  tree.  When  all  trees  were  trimmed, 
the  negroes  cut  off  the  end  of  several  of  the  cocoa- 
nuts,  drank  the  milk  and  threw  them  into  the  sea. 
Most  of  the  nuts,  however,  were  left  lying  around, 
for  nobody  seemed  to  want  them. 


PATH  LEADING  ACROSS  THE  LAWN  FROM 
WASHINGTON  HOTEL  TO  THE  BEACH 

Showing  One  of  the  Cocoa  Palms  that  Bordered 


ACCOMMODATIONS  AT  COLON  271 

What  a  place  this  would  be  for  a  row  of  windmills 
to  be  kept  going  by  this  steady  Seabreeze!  I  won- 
dered why  I  had  not  seen  any  windmills  in  Panama. 
But  the  negroes  did  not  seem  to  have  much  to  do  but 
gather  cocoanuts  and  drink  the  milk  and  be  fanned 
by  the  breezes;  and  as  windmills  can  neither  gather 
the  cocoanuts  nor  drink  the  milk  they  would  be  quite 
useless  and  superfluous.  Perhaps  as  the  years  pass 
on  the  canal  will  be  finished  and  the  20,000  laborers 
and  the  high-salaried  employees  be  discharged  and  the 
stores  that  feed,  clothe  and  saloon  them  be  closed; 
and  it  may  then  become  necessary  to  work  the  land 
and  develop  the  industries  and  build  windmills  and 
factories.  But  that  time  is  a  long  way  off.  Millions 
of  dollars  must  find  their  way  to  Panama,  and  thou- 
sands of  deaths  be  died  while  windmills  wait.  Neither 
windmills  nor  factories  are  tropical  institutions. 

On  Sunday  morning  Doctor  Morrow  stumbled  audi- 
bly out  of  bed  at  five  o'clock  and  went  hunting  up  the 
river.  But  he  came  back  safe  and  sound  in  the  after- 
noon, without  having  gotten  anything  but  plenty  of 
exercise  and  a  few  pounds  of  alligator  mud  upon  his 
clothes.  Not  being  deaf,  I  was  wide  awake  when  he 
left,  and  embraced  the  opportunity  to  take  an  early 
shower  bath  and  thus  turned  annoyance  into  pleasure. 
Returning  from  the  bath  I  witnessed  the  shower  bath 
he  was  caught  in,  and  wondered  if  it  looked  as  beauti- 
ful to  him  in  the  swamps  as  it  did  to  me  on  the  covered 
veranda.  It  was  a  tremendous,  I  might  say  terrific, 
downpour  of  water.  It  darkened  the  heavens  and  last- 
ed about  twenty  minutes,  administering  the  greatest 


272  BACK 

Colonic  flushing  on  record.  It  started  suddenly,  soon 
after  sunrise,  and  when  it  began  to  pass  off  the  sun 
shone  through  it  with  great  brilliancy,  developing  a 
heaven  full  of  aurora  tints  which  turned  rapidly  into 
deep  blue  and  finally  brightened  into  a  glorious,  cooled- 
off,  tropical  morning. 


CHAPTER  II 

Sunday  at  Colon 

Col6n's  Architecture — Trying  to  Procure  Information  about 
Ships — The  Brighton  and  the  Preston — Had  to  Give  It 
up—The  Cab  Ride  on  the  Beach— The  Canal  Zone— Pictur- 
esque Christobal — Cool  Breezes — Statue  of  Columbus — 
The  Entrance  to  the  Canal — Railroad  Company's  Hospital 
— The  Turtle  Trap — The  Bath — The  Ladies — The  Shark 
— The  Retreat — The  Embarrassment — Uncertainty  about 
the  Departure  of  Boats — Crowding  a  Small  Boat — 
Mistakes  and  Discomforts — An  Unsatisfactory  Explana- 
tion— Rozhestzensky — Laying  in  Private  Provisions—- 
Off Late — Rough  Weather — Bocas  del  Toro — Almirante 
Bay  and  Chiriqui  Lagoon — Bocas  del  Drago  and  Bocas  del 
Tigre — Proposed  Naval  Station — The  Town  and  Its 
Doctors— Plenty  of  Fruit. 

Colon  has  one  piece  of  architecture,  viz.,  a  church, 
a  more  or  less  Protestant  one,  the  Church  of  Eng- 
land. There  is  nothing  else  like  it  in  Colon,  which  is 
a  city  of  saloons,  not  of  churches.  It  stands  alone 
and  lonely  on  the  seashore  across  the  street,  from  the 
Washington  Hotel  annex  or  wing,  and  is  thus  as  far 
away  from  the  bad  people  in  the  town  as  possible. 
The  congregation  is  made  up  largely  of  Jamaica  ne- 
groes. I  do  not  remember  seeing  any  other  churches 
in  this  town,  nor  any  church  ruins,  although  eccle- 
siastically considered,  the  whole  town  was  a  ruin. 

Sunday  morning  I  called  at  the  United  Fruit  Corn- 
is  273 


274  BACK 

pany's  agency  and  learned  that  the  Brighton,  a  re- 
.  christened  Norwegian  steamship  with  a  Norwegian 
crew,  and  said  to  be  the  smallest  boat  on  the  route, 
would  sail  Monday;  and  that  the  Preston,  a  larger 
boat,  would  arrive  Monday  and  probably  sail  Tuesday 
or  Wednesday  according  to  the  amount  of  unload- 
ing to  be  done.  I  went  to  the  wharf  and  looked  at  the 
Brighton  and  gave  her  up.  To  be  shaken  up  in  her  for 
a  week,  like  shot  in  a  bottle,  would  be  almost  sure 
death.  She  had  one  small  room  amidships  to  be 
used  as  a  combination  salon,  dining-room  and  smok- 
ing-room, and  eight  little  cabins  near  the  stern,  which 
opened  into  a  narrow  passageway  about  thirty  feet 
long  and  three  feet  wide.  The  cabins  had  no  place 
for  steamer  trunks  under  the  berths,  and  hardly  room 
enough  for  two  persons  to  stand  side  by  side  on  the 
floor.  They  were  originally  intended  for  the  officers 
of  the  crew,  inasmuch  as  the  ship  was  not  built  for 
passenger  service.  The  space  over  them  was  used 
as  a  passenger  deck,  and  was  about  thirty  feet  by 
fifteen  between  the  life  boats,  with  the  center  taken 
up  by  a  skylight.  As  the  deck  was  uncovered  and 
unprotected  at  the  sides,  there  was  no  place  on  the 
boat  for  the  passengers  to  go  to  in  bad  weather  except 
to  bed,  or  to  the  little  dining-room  which  was  pretty 
well  filled  by  the  table.  So  I  returned  to  the  hotel, 
having  gained  nothing  but  an  appetite.  I  would  have 
to  wait  for  the  Preston. 

After  the  eleven  o'clock  breakfast  Doctors  Frank, 
Newman  and  I  sat  on  the  veranda  and  gazed  at  the 
sea  and  smoked  and  talked  small  talk,  and  thus  man- 


CHRIST   CHURCH    AT    COLON 
Seen  from  a  Corner  of  the  Hotel 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  275 

aged  to  kill  time  and  keep  cool  until  three  o'clock. 
Then  we  hired  a  Jamaica  negro,  with  a  cab  that  had 
seen  better  days,  to  drive  us  everywhere,  viz.,  to  the 
mouth  of  the  canal  and  then  along  the  seashore  in  the 
opposite  direction  as  far  as  the  road  went,  where  we 
were  to  have  a  salt-water  swim. 

We  drove  through  the  main  street  to  the  Canal 
Zone  at  the  other  end  of  the  town.  Here  the  beach 
curved  out  seaward  to  form  a  projecting  area  or 
tongue  of  land  shaded  by  a  grove  of  tall  cocoa  palms 
which  gave  it  a  very  picturesque  appearance.  As  we 
entered  the  grove  we  saw  large  and  comparatively 
elegant-looking  frame  houses  and  a  Catholic  church, 
all  of  which  Mons.  De  Lesseps  had  built,  at  great  ex- 
pense, for  himself  and  his  high-salaried  officials  and 
their  employees.  The  settlement  was  called  Chris- 
tobal,  after  the  discoverer  of  America,  and  occupied 
a  most  charming  and  salubrious  spot.  Like  the  beach 
of  the  Washington  Hotel,  it  was  fanned  by  the  pre- 
vailing winds  and,  like  it,  was  apparently  much  more 
breezy  and  much  cooler  than  the  intervening  town. 
We  drove  through  the  palm  grove,  past  the  well- 
preserved  houses,  to  the  other  side  of  the  little  penin- 
sula where  the  canal  opened  into  Limon  Bay.  A 
statue  of  Columbus  that  had  been  presented  to  the 
country  by  the  Empress  Eugenie  twenty  years  be- 
fore, stood  on  a  clear  plat  of  ground  near  the  shore 
in  the  attitude  of  watching  or  guarding  the  boca  or 
mouth  of  the  canal.  We  left  the  cab  and  sauntered 
a  short  distance  along  the  shore  of  the  bay  to  the 
boca,  finding  the  way  strewn  with  fragments  of 


276  BACK 

crockery,  tin  cans  and  debris  of  all  kinds,  and  ob- 
structed by  old  car  trucks  and  parts  of  machinery.  The 
canal  here  looked  like  a  river  or  bayou  extending 
through  flat,  alluvial  land.  The  bay  is  now  a  part  of 
the  open  sea,  but  when  the  United  States  has  invest- 
ed a  few  hundred  thousand  dollars  in  a  breakwater 
it  will  be  converted  into  a  magnificent,  protected  har- 
bor. 

We  returned  to  the  Washington  Hotel  and  had  a 
cool,  pleasant  drive  for  a  couple  of  miles  along  the 
shores  in  the  opposite  direction.  A  drive  on  a  tropical 
beach  is  always  a  treat.  Although  the  road  may  not 
be  well  kept  it  is  usually  hard  and  dry,  the  sea  air 
exhilarating  and  the  luxuriant  foliage  alluring.  We 
passed  the  Railroad  Company's  Hospital,  a  small 
frame  building  standing  on  posts  over  the  water's 
edge,  which  was  said  to  accommodate  over  one  hun- 
dred patients,  but  did  not  look  that  capacious.  I  was 
told  that  it  was  poorly  supplied  with  materials  and 
facilities,  although  this  difficulty  has,  of  course,  been 
remedied  now  that  Uncle  Sam  has  finally  become  in- 
terested in  tropical  hygiene.  After  seeing  the  surviv- 
ing evidence  of  the  French  sanitary  work  as  shown  in 
the  Ancon  Hospital,  the  sanitarium  on  Toboga  Island 
and  the  construction  of  Christobal,  it  occurred  to  me 
that  the  French  had  given  much  attention  to  sanita- 
tion as  it  was  then  understood,  and  had  spent  much 
money  upon  it,  while  the  United  States  was  not  even 
providing  sufficient  medicine.  Our  legislators  were 
waiting  for  more  deaths  and  the  application  of  the 
big  stick  before  conferring  independent  authority 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  277 

upon  the  doctors.  The  American  citizen  is  intelli- 
gent in  all  things  but  health  and  disease.  But  he 
makes  up  in  opinion  what  he  lacks  in  knowledge.  It 
is  for  him  to  decide  when  doctors  are  right  and  when 
wrong,  and  which  are  right  and  which  wrong. 

The  road  terminated  abruptly  at  the  entrance  of  a 
small  shallow  bay.  Here  we  alighted  and  walked  a 
few  hundred  yards  along  the  edge  of  tangled  woods 
to  a  little  palm  grove  where  the  shore  made  an  ab- 
rupt turn.  About  a  hundred  feet  out  from  the  water's 
edge  a  circular  empalement  twenty  feet  in  diameter 
had  been  constructed  for  catching  turtles.  Between 
the  turtle  trap  and  shore  was  the  bathing  place  se- 
lected by  the  negro  driver,  and  as  no  one  was  about 
we  were  soon  frolicking  in  the  water.  The  bottom 
was  sandy  and  the  place  left  nothing  to  be  desired 
as  a  place  to  get  wet  in  except  a  little  more  water. 
It  was  waist  deep  only.  We  did  not  venture  far  be- 
yond the  empaling  for  fear  of  sharks  and  because  the 
water  did  not  get  much  deeper,  but  managed  never- 
theless to  obtain  considerable  refreshing  exercise  and 
enjoyment. 

When  we  at  last  started  for  shore  we  saw  two  ladies 
and  a  gentleman  standing  in  the  palm  grove  with 
their  backs  toward  us  and  looking  up  toward  the  tops 
of  the  trees.  They  had  evidently  been  stopped  by  us 
and  did  not  know  what  to  do  or  where  to  look.  As 
the  road  led  along  the  edge  of  the  water  they  could 
not  get  by  with  dignity  and  we  could  not  get  out  with 
dignity ;  and  they  did  not  seem  to  know  that  our  dress- 
ing quarters  were  within  a  few  feet  of  their  backs, 
where  we  could  not  dress  with  dignity. 


278  BACK 

Upon  looking  around  to  see  about  moving  a  little 
farther  away  from  shore  in  order  to  allow  them  to 
pass,  we  saw  a  slight  commotion  of  the  water  and  a 
speck  of  black  disappear  from  the  surface. 

"Not  that  way,"  said  Frank,  "I  believe  that  was  a 
shark.  And  the  ripples  seem  nearer." 

We  stared  at  each  other  as  nonchalantly  as  possi- 
ble, expecting  at  any  moment  to  lose  a  leg. 

"Well,  which  is  it,  boys,"  I  said,  "the  ladies  or  the 
sharks?" 

"The  ladies  for  me,"  said  Frank,  who  was  fat  and 
juicy  and  would  have  been  the  first  choice  of  either 
a  shark  or  a  lady. 

"I  don't  care,"  said  Newman,  who  looked  like  a 
tough  morsel  for  either  of  them,  and  who  was  lying. 

I  said  that  I  would  risk  the  shark.  I  was  born  bash- 
ful and  couldn't  help  it.  I  could  bear  to  be  eaten  by 
sharks,  but  I  couldn't  bear  to  be  looked  at  by  ladies. 
Privately,  I  knew  that  sharks  were  not  after  dry 
bones,  particularly  when  meat  like  Doctor  Frank  was 
to  be  had. 

Doctor  Frank,  who  preferred  being  eaten  by  ladies 
to  being  looked  at  by  sharks,  hurried  out  and  New- 
man, who  began  to  quake,  followed  him.  They  were 
not  seen  by  the  strangers,  nor  would  I  have  been  had 
I  had  courage  enough  to  follow  them  out.  They  then 
threw  my  trousers  out  to  me,  and  began  to  dress — and 
told  me  to  do  likewise.  I  remained  in  the  water  until 
I  heard  a  splash  behind  me  and  a  cry  of  "shark" 
from  Frank.  I  hesitated  no  longer,  but  screened  my- 
self with  my  trousers  and  started  out  of  the  water. 


MONUMENT  TO  COLUMBUS,  CHRISTOBAL 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  279 

The  noise  also  caused  the  ladies  to  look  around  just 
as  I  was  emerging.  However,  I  emerged.  I  had 
grown  brave.  So  the  ladies  had  to  turn  around  again 
and  gaze  at  the  tops  of  the  palm  trees.  I  thought  I 
detected  a  faint  smile  on  their  faces,  and  felt  ashamed 
of  them.  After  emerging  I  learned  that  Doctor  Frank 
had  made  the  splash  by  throwing  a  stone.  The  negro 
cabman  said  that  the  first  rippling  of  the  water  was 
caused  by  a  turtle.  Thus  does  fear  make  cowards  of 
us  all. 

When  I  was  no  longer  in  the  way  to  frighten  them, 
the  ladies,  who  proved  to  be  old  girls  with  calico  com- 
plexions, passed  on  and  went  into  a  little  gate  that 
was  overgrown  with  vines,  and  which  had  riot  been 
noticed  by  us.  I  suppose  they  lived  there,  although 
I  could  see  nothing  but  trees  about  and  beyond  the 
gate  behind  which  they  disappeared.  If  they  had 
only  told  us  that  they  would  disappear  there  we  would 
have  allowed  them  to  pass. 

We  drove  back  along  the  shore  thinking  that  Colon 
was  a  poor  place  for  surf  bathing  on  account  of  the 
sharks  and  the  ladies. 

Monday  morning  I  went  to  Andrews  and  Company 
and  learned  that  the  Preston  had  not  been  heard  from, 
but  was  expected  during  the  day.  They  were,  how- 
ever, uncertain  and  indifferent  as  to  whether  it  would 
require  a  half  day,  or  one  or  two  days  to  unload  what 
was  intended  for  this  port.  Hence  I  became  panicky  out 
of  fear  that  I  might  lose  several  days  waiting  if  I  did 
not  take  the  little  steamship  Brighton.  Besides,  most 
of  the  Chicago  members  were  going  to  take  it,  and 


28o  BACK 

I  did  not  relish  being  left  behind  by  them.  Doctor 
Senn,  Who  was  a  good  sailor  and  had  been  in  some  of 
the  worst  as  well  as  best  boats  in  the  world,  praised 
its  arrangements  immoderately  and  advised  us  Chi- 
cagoans  all  to  take  it  and  have  a  nice,  cosy,  comforta- 
ble time  together.  We  would  have  plenty  of  room 
because  the  crowd  would  of  course  wait  for  the  Pres- 
ton. He  allowed  his  enthusiasm  to  sway  him,  and 
to  prove  his  sincerity  engaged  the  best  room  on  the 
boat  for  Doctor  Waite,  and  the  second  best  for  him- 
self. Doctor  and  Mrs.  Brower  were  willing  to  go 
through  yellow  flames  to  get  away  quickly  from  yel- 
low fever.  They  chose  the  captain's  room,  which 
was  next  to  the  dining-room,  so  that  they  would  not 
have  to  walk  half  of  the  length  of  the  ship  through 
rain  and  dashing  spray  to  their  meals,  as  the  rest  of 
us  would  have  to  do  in  bad  weather.  Doctor  Frank 
also  was  willing  to  take  chances  with  fire  or  water, 
so  it  brought  him  quickly  back  to  Anglo-Saxon  civil- 
ization. Doctor  Newman,  who  came  to  the  congress 
for  his  health,  felt  so  well  and  contented  that  he  did 
not  care  what  he  did,  provided  he  did  it.  He  only 
cared  to  be  away  from  home-sick-home  and  with  the 
crowd  and,  in  order  to  be  provided  for  in  any  event, 
he  went  down  to  the  boat,  hunted  up  the  Norwegian 
steward  and  engaged  Doctor  Waite's  room  for  himself 
and  Doctor  Frank,  not  knowing  what  he  did. 

I  finally  made  up  my  mind  to  cast  my  lot  with  my 
Chicago  friends  and  accept  the  week's  torture  on  the 
Brighton,  trusting  to  the  presence  of  many  doctors 
to  keep  me  alive  should  I  become  a  sick  and  helpless 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  281 

stowaway  in  one  of  those  rudimentary  cabins  near 
the  rudder.  I  therefore  went  to  the  boat  again  to  see 
and  fee  the  Viking  steward,  who  was  as  stupid  as 
responsibility  and  limited  authority  could  make  a 
fjordman,  and  engaged  as  large  a  part  of  a  room  as 
he  would  let  me  have.  I  had  to  take  a  berth  in  one 
of  two  rooms  that  were  left,  and  which  were  farthest 
back,  and  hoped  that  no  one  else  would  consent  to  be 
put  back  there.  But  a  panic  seldom  takes  one  person 
alone,  and  when  we  got  off  every  berth  was  filled  and 
all  officers  turned  out  of  their  rooms  except  the  pur- 
ser, who  shared  his  with  Doctor  Hughes  of  St.  Louis. 
They  all  tried  to  get  ahead  of  the  crowd,  but  the  crowd 
was  too  smart  for  them. 

Doctor  Senn  and  Doctor  Waite  had  not  only  each 
engaged  a  separate  and  entire  stateroom  of  the  stew- 
ard on  Sunday,  but  had  reported  their  choice  to  An- 
drews and  Company  in  order  to  be  sure  of  them.  But 
the  steward,  who  also  became  panicky  at  the  sight  of 
so  many  doctors  and  doctors'  fees,  gave  Doctor 
Waite's  room  to  Doctors  Newman  and  Frank,  and 
assigned  Doctor  Waite  to  Doctor  Senn's  room — he 
didn't  know  the  difference  between  a  man  and  wom- 
an, except  in  Norway.  So  when  Doctor  Senn  came 
to  the  boat  with  his  trunks  and  bags  and  guns,  he 
found  the  two  doctors  comfortably  settled  in  Doc- 
tor Waite's  room,  and  one  of  them  going  to  bed  for 
a  five-days'  nap.  Doctor  Senn's  gun  was  loaded  for 
alligators,  but  he  didn't  shoot.  It  was  his  custom  to 
think  twice  before  shooting  at  human  beings,  and 
upon  second  thought  he  was  in  doubt  whether  to 


282  BACK 

shoot  the  doctors,  the  steward  or  the  United  Fruit 
Company.  Finally  he  said,  "They  treat  us  as  if  we 
were  a  load  of  bananas.  I  will  go  to  the  office  and 
find  out  about  it." 

Upon  arriving  at  the  office  he  walked  to  the  clerk's 
window  and  said  abruptly: 

"Do  I  look  like  a  banana?" 

The  clerk  raised  his  iron-dyed  head,  peered  over 
his  spectacles  in  a  deliberate  way  and  looked  at  Doc- 
tor Senn's  yellowish  hunting  coat  and  well-rounded 
figure. 

"Well,  I  hadn't  noticed  it.    I'm  a  bit  short  sighted." 

"I  thought  so,"  said  the  doctor.  "Did  I  not  apply 
for  a  stateroom  for  Doctor  Waite  and  another  one 
for  myself,  and  did  you  not  take  the  money  for  them?" 

"I  dare  say  you  did,  sir,  and  that  I  did.  I  always 
do  that.  The  steward  does  the  rest." 

"Then  why  did  you  not  tell  me  that  the  steward 
transacts  your  business?" 

"You  didn't  ask  me,  sir.  I  gave  your  names  to  the 
steward." 

"As  a  sort  of  vocal  invoice,  I  suppose.  But  Doctor 
Waite  was  put  in  my  room  and  that  put  me  out." 

"And  without  your  having  any  voice  in  the  .matter, 
I  suppose.  But  don't  be  put  out  about  it,  doctor.  It 
was  all  a  mistake.  The  steward  had  your  names  for 
the  rooms,  but  he  probably  thought  that  the  words, 
'for  Doctor  Waite,'  meant  'wait  for  doctor/  Funny 
mistake,  wasn't  it?  He  waited,  and  gave  it  to  the 
first  doctor.  Doctor  Waite  waited  too  long,  you  know." 

The  clerk  was  kept  in  a  cage,  like  a  bank  teller, 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  283 

and  knew  that  he  was  safe,  for  Doctor  Senn  had  not 
brought  his  gun  and  had  no  training  in  profanity, 
and  was  thus  at  a  disadvantage.  He  finally  recovered 
sufficiently  to  say: 

"Why  don't  you  have  a  time  for  the  arrival  and 
departure  of  your  boats?" 

"Because  we  can't  make  time  wait  upon  their  ar- 
rival and  departure." 

"But  you  could  place  the  time  for  departure  so  far 
in  the  future  that  they  could  start  on  time  even  when 
they  were  behind  time.  Then  all  there  would  be  to  do 
would  be  not  to  be  ahead  of  time — and  one  could  be 
on  hand  on  time." 

"On  time?  Ahead  of  time?  Time  in  Panama? 
You're  joking,  you  know,  and  don't  know  it.  You 
Americans  can  undoubtedly  attend  to  your  own  busi- 
ness, and  ought  to,  but  you  can't  do  business  here." 

"Yes,"  said  Doctor  Senn,  "I  have  found  that  out. 
I  suppose  I  must  talk  to  the  steward.  Perhaps  I  can 
make  him  understand  that  I  am  not  a  banana." 

"Yes,  doctor,  talk  to  the  steward.  Perhaps  he'll 
understand." 

Whereupon  the  clerk's  thin  lips  closed  like  a  clam 
shell,  and  he  would  neither  talk  back  nor  come  out 
of  his  cage  and  fight;  and  Doctor  Senn  turned  away 
murmuring  that  it  was  a  sad  thing  that  old  heads 
could  not  be  put  on  young  shoulders,  but  it  was  much 
sadder  when  they  could  not  be  put  on  old  shoulders. 

Thus  the  organizer  of  the  cosy  little  sea-party  was 
an  outcast.  It  was  left  for  me  to  take  pity  on  him  and 
share  my  covey  hole  with  him.  He  was  grateful  to 
have  a  place  to  lay  his  head. 


284  BACK 

However,  after  much  to  and  fro  running  around 
and  about  the  stupid  steward,  like  ants  about  a  lump 
of  sugar,  we  all  succeeded  in  our  one  desire,  viz.,  in 
becoming  stowaways  in  a  little  tub  that  was  to  be 
delivered  to  the  mercy  of  the  deep,  and  take  great 
chances,  like  Rozhestzensky's  sacrificed  fleet.  I  could 
not  but  feel  that  we  had  about  the  same  kind  of  start- 
ing out  chances  as  had  the  unpronounceable  admiral 
with  thirteen  letters  in  his  name,  who  should  have  left 
authority  for  others  to  exercise  and  mistakes  for  oth- 
ers to  carry  out,  like  Andrews  and  Company  of  United 
Fruit  Company  fame.  Then  he  would  not  have  been 
sent  to  a  certain  death  at  sea,  and  be  sentenced  to  an 
uncertain  death  on  land  for  having  been  sent  to  sea. 

When  we  were  nearly  ready  to  start,  I  met  the 
captain  and  asked  him  if  he  had  plenty  of  mineral 
water,  wine,  beer,  Scotch  whiskey  and  stomach  bit- 
ters on  hand,  for  there  were  many  Chicago  doctors 
aboard.  He  said  he  believed  he  had  none  of  these  in 
his  medicine  chest,  for  he  had  not  expected  to  have 
more  than  a  passenger  or  two,  and  the  crew  was  quite 
healthy  and  did  not  require  any  medicines.  I  then 
sought  Doctor  Senn,  our  party  leader,  and  told  him 
of  the  fate  that  threatened  the  ship.  He  was  speechless 
for  a  moment  but  rallied  quickly  and  said : 

"We  must  have  these  things.  Let  us  go  and  buy 
some.  Let  us  go  immediately.  One  can  live  longer 
without  food  than  without  drink." 

So  we  hunted  up  a  wholesale  grocery  and  liquor 
store,  and  each  bought  a  bottle  of  sherry,  a  bottle  of 
Black  and  White  and  half  a  dozen  bottles  of  claret. 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  285 

We  met  the  captain  in  the  store  also  buying  MEDI- 
CINES. But  we  were  afterward  more  pleased  that  we 
had  put  in  our  own  stock,  for  there  are  two  kinds  of 
ship  wine,  one  good  enough  to  go  do^  n,  the  other  good 
enough  to  come  up.  He  had  bought  what  he  consid- 
ered good  enough  to  come  up. 

We  finally  cast  loose  at  noon,  one  hour  late,  and 
did  not  get  our  eleven  o'clock  breakfast  until  half 
past  two.  To  wait  until  half  past  two,  after  having 
trotted  about  almost  constantly  since  seven,  on  a  cup 
of  coffee  and  a  roll,  perspiring  profusely  and  worrying 
intensely  for  fear  we  might  not  get  stowed  away  at 
all,  and  then  suffering  a  shock  at  the  sudden  discov- 
ery at  the  last  moment  of  the  neglected  state  of  the 
commissary  department  of  the  ship,  was  an  appro- 
priate initiation  to  what  was  in  store  for  us.  There 
were  about  eighteen  of  us  to  be  fed  by  a  steward  who 
was  not  accustomed  to  serve  more  than  one  or  two 
who  usually  served  themselves ;  and  the  question  was, 
how  many  of  us  would  get  anything  at  all  ?  The  ladies 
were  undoubtedly  "in  for  it/'  in  more  ways  than  one. 
No  boudoir  comforts,  hair  dressers,  manicures  and 
ladies'  maids  for  them. 

We  all,  however,  got  our  breakfast  down  in  time 
to  have  it  churned  by  the  trade-wind,  which  was  in 
the  ship's  quarter  and  which  played  with  our  little 
boat  like  a  gentle,  purring  cat  with  a  captive  mouse. 
Doctor  Senn  and  I  carried  iced  sherry  to  the  ladies 
who  began  to  say,  "Oh  my!"  and  "Oh  dear!"  and 
"Goodness!  I  wish  I  were  home,"  "I'm  so  sick,"  etc. 

Pretty  soon  I  began  to  sympathize  with  them  and 


286  BACK 

took  a  taste  of  the  sherry  myself,  and  lay  down  on  my 
steamer  chair  and  left  the  ladies  to  the  care  of  Doc- 
tor Senn. 

At  six  o'clock  most  of  the  gentlemen  tasted  of  the 
dinner,  and  most  of  the  ladies  didn't.  But  we  all  got 
to  bed  early  and  without  any  discoverable  mishaps, 
consoled  by  the  knowledge  that  soon  after  daybreak 
we  would  be  in  the  sheltered  waters  of  Bocas  del 
Toro.  Our  little  bunks  had  boards,  plain  boards,  for 
springs,  with  thick  comforters  for  mattresses  and 
straw  bags  for  pillows — genuine  sailor  luxuries.  But 
we  were  glad  to  stay  in  them  and  on  them.  I  won- 
dered how  it  must  seem  to  a  person  who  had  become 
accustomed  to  such  a  bed  by  years  of  service,  to  put 
up  at  a  first-class  hotel.  I  suppose  that  he  would  feel 
insecure  and  would  wake  up  every  few  minutes  in  the 
night  with  a  sensation  of  falling  through  space,  and 
would  have  to  feel  of  the  soft  mattress  to  be  sure 
that  something  solid  was  under  him. 

In  the  morning  the  sea  was  quite  rough,  but  I 
managed  to  get  on  deck  just  as  we  steamed  trium- 
phantly between  the  foamy  reefs  into  the  tranquil 
bay.  Beautiful  Bocas  del  Toro!  Welcome  Almirante 
Bay!  Islas  Tropicales!  Haven  and  heaven  of  the 
seasick  and  suffering! 

The  large  bay  was  enclosed  by  luxuriant  tropical 
islands  with  their  white  fringes  of  foamy  reefs,  and 
the  town  looked  bright  and  beautiful  beneath  the 
tropical  sun  and  deep  blue  sky.  Numerous  little 
naphtha  launches  darted  about  in  all  directions  giv- 
ing a  sense  of  festivity  to  the  scene.  At  last  we  had 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  287 

found  something  worth  coming  to  see.  The  tropics 
were  out  in  all  their  splendor,  and  we  forgot  the  other 
things.  Had  we  taken  the  Preston  we  should  not 
have  seen  Bocas  del  Toro,  for  her  loading  place  was 
Port  Limon,  which  I  did  not  care  to  see  again.  Limon 
had  fine  piers,  a  beautiful  garden  and  a  new  hospital, 
a  trinity  of  artificial  attractions  whose  origin  and 
pedigree  went  back  to  bananas,  but  here  were  the 
beauties  of  Nature  as  they  came  from  the  hand  of  their 
creator. 

Bocas  del  Toro  is  the  chief  seaport  town  of  Pana- 
ma after  Colon  and  the  City  of  Panama,  if  not  before, 
and  is  the  center  of  the  banana  shipping  business  of 
the  republic.  It  is  situated  in  the  Almirante  Bay, 
which  is  the  northern  end  of  the  Chiriqui  Lagoon, 
but  is  completely  separated  from  the  main  lagoon  by 
islands  and  reefs  between  which  small  boats  only  can 
pass.  The  channel  leading  into  the  bay  is  called  Bocas 
del  Tigre  (Tiger's  Mouths),  and  the  channel  into  the 
main  lagoon,  fifteen  miles  farther  south,  is  called 
Bocas  del  Drago  (Dragon's  Mouths),  appropriate 
names  for  these  wild  and  dangerous  passages  as  we 
were  soon  to  learn  by  experience.  The  lagoon  be- 
tween these  passages  is  shut  off  from  the  sea  by  a 
row  of  islands  and  reefs  placed  closely  together  and 
surrounded  and  connected  with  breakers  that  reveal 
the  hidden  rocks  and  shallows.  Beyond  and  south  of 
these  reefs  and  Bocas,  the  lagoon  extends  into  the 
mainland,  forming  a  body  of  water  forty-five  miles 
long  by  fifteen  wide.  It  is  a  magnificent  bay  and  is, 
I  believe,  to  have  a  U.  S.  naval  station,  for  which  it  is 
an  ideal  location. 


288  BACK 

Bocas  del  Toro  is  nearly  two  miles  from  the  en- 
trance of  the  bay  on  the  narrow  end  of  an  inner  coral 
island  four  miles  wide  by  nine  miles  long.  Although 
it  appeared  to  us  to  be  situated  on  the  main  land,  a 
ride  around  the  point  of  the  island  revealed  miles  of 
water  behind  it.  The  town  had  the  usual  shape  of 
the  tropical  coast  towns  in  Central  America,  viz.,  a 
narrow  strip  of  houses  extending  for  about  a  mile 
along  the  thickly  wooded  shore.  There  was  no  need 
of  piers  here  for  the  bananas  were  brought  in  launches 
from  the  Chanquinola  River,  which  ran  through  the 
company's  plantation,  and  were  loaded  directly  on  the 
ships.  On  account  of  the  protection  afforded  by  the 
islands  and  the  consequent  tranquillity  of  the  water 
in  the  bay,  this  presented  no  more  difficulty  than 
loading  from  a  pier  and  meant  one  less  handling.  It 
was  the  plying  back  and  forth  of  these  launches  that 
gave  the  animated  appearance  we  noted  when  we  ar- 
rived and  made  the  place  look  at  first  glance  like  a 
fashionable  watering  place  with  many  pleasure  boats. 

The  company  sent  out  a  launch  and  took  us  ashore, 
landing  us  on  a  little  platform  near  their  office  build- 
ing and  warehouses.  This  narrow  end  of  the  island, 
all  but  the  main  street,  is  under  water  at  high  tide 
and  out  of  water  at  low  tide,  the  difference  between 
high  and  low  tide  being  twenty-three  inches.  When 
we  landed  it  was  low  tide.  Excepting  on  the  main 
street,  the  sidewalks  and  street  crossings  were  built 
two  feet  above  the  ground,  and  in  the  slimy  side 
streets  we  saw  innumerable  crab  holes  about  which 
little  sea  crabs  were  crawling  so  thickly  that  one 


COMBINATION   STORE    AND    RESIDENCE   AT 
BOCAS    DEL   TORO 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  289 

could  not  have  put  a  foot  on  the  ground  without  step- 
ping on  two  or  three  of  them.  They  easily  had  the 
right  of  way  except  on  the  raised  sidewalks.  The 
main  street,  which  was  next  to  the  sea,  was  high  and 
dry  however,  and  had  no  elevated  sidewalks  crossing 
it  like  the  others,  and  thus  was  adapted  to  the  passage 
of  vehicles.  But  I  saw  neither  donkey  nor  cart  and 
concluded  that  the  highness  and  dryness  of  the  main 
street  was  a  luxury  rather  than  a  necessity. 

Dr.  R.  E.  Swigart,  a  young  man  from  Tiffin,  Ohio, 
who  had  been  located  here  for  several  years,  told  us 
that  the  overflowing  of  the  tide  was  a  benefit  to  the 
town.  The  salt-water  at  high  tide  disinfected  and 
washed  away  the  filth  of  the  negroes  who  threw  their 
dirt  and  garbage  anywhere  and  everywhere,  and 
would  have  rendered  the  place  unsanitary  in  a  short 
time.  He  said  that  they  could  not  be  made  cleanly  in 
their  habits.  The  authorities  had  planned  to  fill  in 
the  whole  marshy  part  of  the  town  to  a  level  above 
high  water,  and  to  cut  a  channel  across  the  narrow 
end  of  the  island  occupied  by  the  town,  and  thus 
drain  the  ground.  The  place  was,  however,  very 
healthy  as  it  was,  for  there  was  but  little  sickness  ex- 
cepting malaria,  and  the  doctor  thought  that,  when 
filled  in,  the  place  would  become  dirty  and  unhealthy, 
notwithstanding  the  drainage.  He  said  that  they 
neither  had  yellow  fever  nor  typhoid  fever. 

The  town  itself  is  small,  having  only  about  1,000 
inhabitants,  but  there  are  30,000  people  in  the  sur- 
rounding country  for  whom  it  is  the  center  of  sup- 
plies. The  United  Fruit  Company's  warehouses  are 

19 


290  BACK 

capable  of  supplying  a  large  population  with  general 
merchandise,  but  quite  a  large  proportion  of  the 
houses  are  small  groceries  and  fruit  stores  and  provide 
the  people  with  ordinary  comestibles. 

The  sea  breeze  enabled  us,  without  great  discom- 
fort, to  walk  the  entire  length  of  the  town  and  a  short 
distance  beyond  along  the  beach  at  the  edge  of  a  dense 
forest,  where  all  that  was  lacking  were  a  few  mon- 
keys in  the  trees  to  transport  us  into  the  real,  complete 
tropics  of  our  juvenile  books  of  travel.  On  our  way 
back  we  bought  the  largest  size  ripe  pineapples  for 
ten  cents  each,  and  oranges  and  limes  for  almost  noth- 
ing. Doctor  Brower,  who  did  not  believe  in  being 
seasick  on  an  empty  stomach,  bought  a  dozen  pineap- 
ples, so  that  he  could  be  seasick  all  he  wanted  to. 

The  other  two  local  physicians  (besides  Doctor 
Swigart)  were  Dr.  R.  H.  Wilson  from  Sterling,  Mo,, 
and  Doctor  Osterhout  from  Texas.  The  latter,  a 
graduate  of  Jefferson,  had  been  in  Central  America 
since  1888,  and  in  Bocas  del  Toro  since  1895.  He 
had  charge  of  the  Marine  Hospital.  The  doctors  de- 
voted their  whole  time  to  our  entertainment  and  or- 
ganized two  of  the  most  delightful  and  unique  ex- 
cursions that  we  had  yet  taken,  affording  new  experi- 
ences to  all  of  us. 

The  Fruit  Company  returned  us  aboard  the  Brigh- 
ton with  two  dozen  pineapples  (one  dozen  for  Doctor 
Brower  and  one  dozen  for  other  members  of  the  par- 
ty), several  dozen  fresh  juicy  oranges  and  many  limes. 
The  oranges  we  get  in  Chicago  taste  like  chips  in  com- 
parison with  these  juicy  ones,  ripened  on  the  trees 
and  eaten  soon  after  being  picked. 


SUNDAY  AT  COLON  291 

We  found  breakfast  ready  on  the  ship  and,  being 
hungry  as  the  result  of  our  exercise,  we  applied  our- 
selves to  it  with  all  of  our  energies  and  dispatched  it 
with  the  celerity  and  success  of  true  sailors,  filling  up 
with  solid  food  and  packing  it  down  with  juicy  fruit. 


CHAPTER  III 

After  Bananas  and  Alligators 

A  Rough  Ride — Wild  Scenery  along  the  Reefs — A  Devoted 
Wife — A  Recommendation  for  the  Prevention  of  Divorces 
— A  Guide  with  the  Sleeping  Sickness — An  Exhilarating 
Ride  on  a  Platform  Car — The  Big  Banana  Plantation — 
About  Bananas  and  Plantains — Jamaica  Negroes  as  Labor- 
ers— Beautiful  Scenery — The  Great  Ambuscade  of  the 
Little  Revolution — Loading  at  Night — On  a  Reef  all 
Night — Danger,  Modern  and  Ancient — Saved  by  Acci- 
dent Insurance — Return  to  Almirante  Bay — The  Hunt 
Organized — An  Excursion  to  the  Chanquinola  River 
through  the  Canal — A  Twelve-mile  Plantation — Tropical 
Birds — The  Toucan,  the  Greatest  of  Degenerates — 
Scratching  the  Alligator's  Back — The  Reason  why  I  Am 
not  an  Alligator  Hunter — How  the  Trip  to  the  Tropics 
Was  Saved  from  Being  a  Failure — Work  in  the  North 
and  Loafing  in  the  Tropics — Canal  Officials  and  Soldiers. 

The  S.  S.  Brighton  had  to  go  into  the  Chiriqui 
Lagoon  to  gather  fruit  from  two  large  banana  plan- 
tations, and  then  return  to  Bocas  del  Toro  to  complete 
its  load,  thus  making  an  excursion  which  promised  us 
not  a  little  entertainment.  As  our  ship  was  too  large 
to  pass  through  the  small  channels  between  the 
islands  that  separated  Almirante  Bay  from  the  main 
lagoon,  it  would  have  to  enter  through  Bocas  del 
Tigre  and  thus  be  four  hours  on  the  way,  three  of 
them  in  the  open  sea. 

292 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        293 

We  started  a  little  before  noon  taking  with  us  Doc- 
tors Swigart  and  Osterhout,  who  did  not  hesitate  to  go, 
although  they  knew  that  we  were  to  return  by  night 
and  that  there  were  no  vacant  bunks  in  the  ship.  Mr. 
Reid,  a  civil  engineer  who  had  to  make  a  business  trip 
into  the  interior,  and  his  wife,  who  had  to  see  him 
off,  were  acquainted  with  one  of  the  members  of  our 
party,  and  added  to  our  entertainment  by  engaging 
passage  in  our  boat.  They  had  lived  long  in  the  land 
of  the  banana,  and  thus  knew  everything  we  wished 
to  know.  Doctor  Osterhout  took  his  telescope  and  de- 
lighted himself  and  us  with  excellent  views  of  the 
islands  and  breakers  which  were  never  out  of  sight. 
Although  he  had  lived  in  the  neighborhood  ten  years, 
he  seemed  even  more  enthusiastic  over  the  scenery 
than  we  were.  At  least  he  was  enthusiastic  until  we 
got  into  the  open  sea,  when  he  suddenly  lost  interest; 
he  said  that  the  sea  air  always  made  him  sleepy,  and 
forthwith  rolled  himself  up  in  a  blanket  and  lay  on 
a  bench  with  his  back  toward  us,  and  stayed  there 
until  we  had  passed  through  the  Tiger's  Mouths  into 
the  quiet  waters  of  the  lagoon. 

It  was  a  pretty  sight  to  steam  along  in  full  view 
of  the  islands  thickly  covered  with  tropical  trees  and 
bordered  by  submerged  reefs  which  converted  the 
sea  for  half  a  mile  out  into  curling  and  splashing 
foam.  In  places  the  waves  struck  the  abrupt  shores 
and  leaped  twenty  or  thirty  feet  into  the  air  to  descend 
in  snowy  showers.  The  telescope  brought  the  shore 
quite  near  and  enabled  us  to  realize  the  intensity,  ac- 
tivity and  grandeur  of  the  perpetual  dashing,  reced- 


294  BACK 

ing,  returning  and  shattering  of  the  waves  on  the 
shore,  and  the  immensity  of  the  fields  of  seething 
foam.  This  wild  island  scenery  was  entirely  different 
from  the  peaceful  color  crowded  views  that  we  had 
enjoyed  on  our  little  excursion  along  the  islands  of 
Panama  Bay  to  Toboga.  One  afforded  a  peaceful, 
sensuous  sort  of  enjoyment;  the  other  filled  us  with 
wonder  and  admiration. 

After  having  been  out  in  the  open  sea  for  a  short 
time,  the  ladies  became  uncomfortably  quiet,  and  like- 
wise Doctor  Frank,  who  could  always  be  relied  upon. 
The  rest  of  us  found  it  helpful  from  time  to  time  to 
gaze  steadfastly  at  the  sky,  like  saints  in  Madonna 
pictures ;  or  shut  our  eyes  like  opossums  in  trouble ;  or 
lean  back  and  draw  deep  breaths,  like  prize  fighters  in 
distress;  or  talk  ourselves  into  a  state  of  tolerance 
to  woe,  like  stoics  in  books,  in  order  to  pull  through. 
But  we  managed,  nevertheless,  to  derive  some  benefit 
from  the  fifteen  miles  of  continuous  animated  pan- 
orama, and  at  last  arrived  at  Bocas  del  Tigre.  We 
entered  the  lagoon  and,  presto,  wind  and  waves  and 
woes  were  gone,  and  we  were  alive  and  well  again, 
including  Doctor  Osterhout.  Mrs.  Reid  had  been,  as 
was  her  custom,  very  sick,  yet  she  had  insisted  upon 
accompanying  her  husband  as  far  as  the  boat  went. 
She  had  deliberately  chosen,  even  against  his  wishes, 
to  undergo  several  hours  of  sickness  in  order  to 
spend  them  with  him.  Surely  the  mind  of  woman  is 
inscrutable,  and  her  ways  are  beyond  the  ways  of 
men.  Praised  be  her  courage  and  devotion  and  cheer- 
fulness. Woman  was  made  to  set  man  a  good  exam- 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        295 

pie,  although  man  was  not  made  to  follow  it.  Men 
are  apt  to  remember  Eve  as  she  was,  and  forget  wom- 
an as  she  is.  Possibly  the  comparative  isolation  of  a 
life  in  a  foreign  country  where  there  was  neither  so- 
cial nor  public  entertainment,  but  an  abundance  of 
hardship  and  inconvenience,  had  drawn  them  closer 
together  than  the -average  husband  and  wife.  In  any 
case  I  would  suggest  a  residence  in  some  half-civil- 
ized foreign  land  by  those  who,  after  having  been  mar- 
ried a  few  years,  imagine  they  deserve  a  divorce.  If 
such  a  residence  were  made  a  legal  qualification  for 
a  divorce,  happy  marriages  might  be  more  common 
and  our  courts  less  crowded.  • 

Mr.  Reid  and  Doctor  Swigart  spared  no  pains  to 
entertain  us;  but  after  we  had  entered  the  lagoon 
Doctor  Osterhout  outdid  them,  and  thus  atoned  for 
having  gone  to  sleep  in  our  forlorn  company.  He  had 
found  some  one  to  entertain,  and  was  not  to  be  de- 
prived of  the  opportunity.  He  was  a  type  of  our  gen- 
ial and  hospitable  Southerner,  and  gave  us  more  in- 
teresting information  about  plantations,  bananas,  ne- 
groes and  internecine  wars  than  if  he  had  been  a  guide 
paid  to  tell  us  all  that  there  was  and  was  not. 

The  little  settlement  at  which  we  stopped  presented 
much  of  the  varied  charm  and  beauty  which  had  char- 
acterized all  of  the  tropical  seaport  towns  I  had  so 
far  seen.  The  company  had  built  a  pier  about  one 
hundred  yards  long  upon  which  the  narrow-gauge 
platform  cars  were  brought  to  be  unloaded  directly 
into  the  ship. 

Doctor  Swigart  persuaded  the  company  to  put  a 


296  BACK 

platform  car  at  our  disposal  for- a  ride  over  the  eight 
miles  of  railroad  that  traversed  the  plantation  of  800 
acres.  Chairs  were  placed  upon  the  car,  an  engine 
attached  behind,  and  away  we  sped  at  the  rate  of 
twenty  miles  an  hour  through  a  sort  of  artificial  lane 
that  had  been  cut  through  the  forest  jungle,  and 
which,  by  the  encroachment  Of  the  foliage,  had  become 
so  narrow  that  the  branches  projecting  from  the 
sides  often  touched  us.  We  went  around  curves  at 
such  a  speed  that  each  one  had  to  hold  on  to  the  chair 
of  his  neighbor  in  order  that  those  sitting  at  the  sides 
might  not  be  tipped  off.  Occasionally  we  would  pass 
an  opening  and  get  a  better  view  of  the  high  forest 
trees,  among  which  were  rubber  trees,  cedar  trees, 
trumpet  trees  and  other  magnificent-looking  trees  and 
plants  that  were  beyond  even  Doctor  Osterhout's 
elastic  nomenclature.  At  one  large  meadowlike  open- 
ing we  saw  a  herd  of  sturdy-looking  cattle  grazing 
peacefully  in  a  meadow  upon  which  a  picturesque  lit- 
tle slaughter-house  had  been  built  for  their  conven- 
ience. The  company  did  its  own  slaughtering  and 
thus  provided  their  employees  with  good  fresh  meat. 
After  riding  for  a  couple  of  miles  we  came  to  the 
banana  trees,  which  also  grew  close  up  to  the  rails. 
Every  few  hundred  yards  side-tracks  ran  out  at  either 
side  enabling  the  laborers  to  load  directly  on  the  cars 
and  sent  the  fruit  out  on  the  piers  to  the  steamships. 
As  the  temperature  is  practically  the  same  all  the 
year  around,  banana  trees  are  planted  at  any  and  all 
seasons  and  each  tree  bears  twice  a  year.  They  do 
not,  however,  bear  according  to  the  season  of  the 


A   BUNCH    OF    BANANAS 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        297 

year,  but  according  to  their  individual  maturity.  Slips 
are  planted  at  any  time,  and  begin  to  bear  in  a  year, 
and  thus  bananas  are  maturing  and  being  gathered 
at  all  seasons.  When  a  stock  is  cut  off  a  new  one 
grows  out  in  its  place.  The  ripe  bunches  grow  wrong 
side  up,  for  when  they  become  heavy  the  stem 
bends  until  at  last  the  end  points  downward  and  the 
individual  bananas  upward.  They  are  gathered  be- 
fore they  are  fully  grown,  otherwise  they  burst  upon 
ripening  and  spoil  quickly.  The  yellow  ones  are  cul- 
tivated almost  to  the  exclusion  of  the  red  ones,  which 
have  less  flavor  (although  perhaps  a  more  delicate 
one)  and  have,  I  believe,  poorer  keeping  qualities. 

Doctor  Osterhout  bribed  a  negro  to  find  a  couple  of 
bunches  of  plantains  to  be  cooked  for  us  on  the  ship. 
The  plantain  resembles  the  yellow  banana  but  is  near- 
ly twice  as  long  and  is  not  palatable  until  cooked. 
When  ripe  it  may  either  be  roasted  in  the  rind  or  be 
cut  in  slices  and  fried.  It  has  not  such  a  rich  fruity 
flavor  as  the  banana,  but  is  very  nourishing  and  makes 
a  better  dish  for  the  table.  Those  served  on  the  boat 
were  fried  and  had  a  slightly  tart  taste,  and  were  very 
acceptable  as  a  substitute  for  fresh  vegetables. 

The  plantations  are  worked  by  Jamaica  negroes, 
who  are  hardier  and  better  laborers  than  the  natives 
and  are  said  to  be  good-natured,  docile  and  content. 
They  gathered  in  crowds  to  see  us  pass,  for  some  one 
had  told  them  that  the  governor  of  Jamaica  was  one 
of  our  party,  and  Doctor  Senn  was  designated  as  the 
man.  The  doctor  bore  the  honor  with  becoming  dig- 
nity and  left  them  with  the  impression  that  he  was 


298  BACK 

genuine.  They  showed  great  respect  toward  him 
and  were  evidently  loyal  British  subjects. 

We  soon  rode  into  a  wide  valley  along  which  the 
plantation  extended  for  miles.  A  lively  river  ran 
through  it  and  steep  hills  arose  on  either  side  becom- 
ing progressively  higher  and  more  rugged.  A  succes- 
sion of  beautiful  and  varying  views  of  mountain,  for- 
est and  river  scenery  was  thus  presented  to  us  as  we 
rushed  around  the  curves  in  an  almost  constant  state 
of  exhilaration  for  fear  of  being  swung  off  into  the 
bushes  and  having  our  faces  scratched. 

We  stopped  at  the  spot  where,  during  the  recent 
revolution,  the  insurgents  had  ambushed  the  govern- 
ment troops.  The  insurgents,  1,000  in  number,  stood 
on  the  steep  side  of  a  round  hill  near  the  railroad 
track  where  the  train  bearing  the  regulars  had  to 
pass.  But  the  foliage  on  the  hill  was  so  dense  that 
not  an  insurgent  or  field-piece  could  be  seen  from  the 
cars,  nor  did  it  look  as  if  there  was  room  for  field- 
pieces  between  the  trees.  When,  however,  the  train 
arrived  nearly  opposite  the  rebels,  they  opened  fire 
with  gun  and  cannon,  killing  the  helpless  troops  in 
great  numbers.  The  vivid  conception  of  this  horrible 
tragedy,  occurring  so  recently  on  the  very  spot  we 
halted  that  I  looked  about  me  for  blood  stains,  inter- 
fered somewhat  with  the  full  enjoyment  of  the  scen- 
ery. 

When  we  returned,  the  ship  proceeded  to  the  other 
landing  not  far  away  to  take  on  bananas  in  the  dark 
and  start  back  for  Bocas  del  Toro  in  time  to  be  there 
at  daybreak.  The  success  of  this  plan  would  have 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        299 

saved  us  three  hours  of  distress,  for  we  would  have 
been  asleep  during  the  passage  through  the  choppy 
sea  outside  of  the  reefs.  But  neither  sleep  nor  a  night 
ride  was  granted  us  by  destiny. 

As  it  was  raining,  I  retired  early  and  fell  asleep 
about  the  time  the  loading  in  the  lagoon  was  finished, 
expecting  to  awake  at  Bocas  del  Toro  in  Almirante 
Bay.  About  midnight,  however,  I  was  awakened 
by  the  noise  of  the  machinery.  The  screw  would  start 
up  with  a  terrific  noise,  then  stop  for  a  few  moments 
and  begin  again.  I  soon  became  aware  of  the  fact 
that  the  ship  was  not  moving  forward,  but  only  shak- 
ing itself  like  a  dog  emerging  from  the  water.  But 
why  it  should  want  to  stay  there  and  shake  itself  all 
night  and  churn  us  up  in  its  vitals,  I  could  not  divine, 
and  lay  hoping  that  it  would  quiet  down  or  go  ahead 
before  bursting  something. 

At  seven  o'clock  we  began  to  move  at  last,  and  I 
went  on  deck  and  learned  the  truth,  viz.,  that  the  negro 
pilot  had  attempted  to  find  his  way  out  through  the 
channel  and,  as  the  night  was  dark  and  rainy,  had 
run  the  boat  on  a  reef.  There  was  no  lighthouse  to 
mark  the  channel,  but  he,  like  Admiral  Rozhestzen- 
sky,  had  his  orders  to  go  and  come,  and  like 
Rozh — nsky,  he  had  to  try  his  luck.  If  the  reef  had 
not  been  planed  off  by  Providence  and  sunk  just  to 
the  right  depth  to  let  us  get  on  and  off  easily,  and 
had  not  the  wind  and  waves  been  kept  down,  the  sec- 
ond-hand ship  would  have  been  wrecked  and  our 
steamer  trunks  lost.  But  the  above-mentioned  com- 
bination of  circumstances  had  conspired  in  our  favor, 


300  BACK 

a  combination,  take  it  all  in  all,  the  like  of  which  we 
shall  never  see  again.  As  it  was,  the  boat  must  have 
suffered  considerable  damage  and  might  not  have  been 
able  to  live  in  the  West  Indian  storm  that  was  wait- 
ing for  it — and  us. 

However,  I  took  the  matter  coolly  during  the  time 
of  danger,  and  also  afterward  when  I  learned  that 
there  had  been  danger,  for  I  was  a  student  of  statis- 
tics and  knew  that  men  are  ten  times  as  safe  on  a  ship 
as  on  land  and  that  more  accidents  occur  to  people 
in  their  homes  than  while  riding  on  the  cars.  Bankers 
suffer  twice  as  many  accidents  as  policemen,  and  car- 
penters nine  times  as  many.  Railroad  conductors  are 
considered  good  risks  by  the  accident  insurance  com- 
panies, and  commercial  travelers  the  very  best.  In 
fact,  statistics  prove  that  there  is  danger  everywhere. 
There  is  danger  in  crossing  a  street,  danger  in  open- 
ing a  window  and  in  shutting  a  door,  danger  in  bath- 
ing and  danger  in  taking  off  a  coat.  There  is  even 
danger  in  sleeping,  for  many  accidents  take  place 
during  sleep,  and  most  people  die  in  bed. 

I  felt  thankful  that  we  were  not  living  in  the  times 
of  ancient  Rome  where  danger  and  death  were  the 
rule,  and  survival  was  accidental,  if  we  may, credit 
an  account  of  the  conditions  once  prevalent  there 
given  by  one  evidently  who  knew  what  he  was  writ- 
ing about. 

"Owing  to  the  great  noise  in  the  streets,  none  but 
the  rich  could  sleep,  while  most  invalids  died  from 
want  of  rest  and  well-  people  from  suicide  or  acci- 
dents. A  stream  of  carriages  was  continually  passing 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        301 

in  the  narrow  and  crooked  thoroughfares,  and  the 
drivers  were  perpetually  engaged  in  noisy  disputes 
and  foul  abuse  of  one  another.  If  you  were  in  haste, 
your  passage  was  obstructed  by  the  crowd.  If  you 
loitered,  a  rich  man's  litter,  borne  aloft  on  stout  shoul- 
ders, jostled  you  aside;  those  behind  pressed  upon 
your  back;  one  man  would  dig  into  you  with  his  el- 
bow ;  another  with  a  sharp  pole ;  your  shoulder  would 
be  struck  by  a  joist,  your  head  by  a  beam,  and  a  cask 
would  bark  your  shins.  Your  legs  were  bespattered 
with  mud,  on  all  sides  you  were  trodden  on,  and  the 
nail  of  a  soldier's  boot  would  stick  in  your  toe.  The 
cooks  scattered  the  burning  coals  as  they  hurried  by 
with  their  patrons'  meals,  and  your  clothing  was  torn 
into  shreds.  One  wagon  loaded  with  a  fir  tree,  an- 
other with  a  huge  pine,  shook  the  streets  as  they  ad- 
vanced, the  rear  ends  waving  to  and  fro,  felling  the 
people  right  and  left.  Another  wagon  was  loaded 
with  stones  from  the  quarries  of  the  Apenines,  and 
when  the  axle  broke  the  mass  was  precipitated  on 
the  people.  Who  could  find  his  scattered  limbs  or 
gather  up  his  carcass  thus  ground  to  powder?  Then 
there  were  the  dangers  of  the  night  when  broken 
crockery,  thrown  out  of  lofty  windows,  made  dents 
in  pavements  and  skulls.  Indeed,  there  were  as  many 
fates  awaiting  you  as  windows  where  you  passed. 
You  might  thank  your  lucky  stars  when  they  threw 
only  the  contents  of  the  basins  and  pots  upon  you. 
Rash  was  he  who  went  to  supper  without  first  making 
out  his  will.  Or  your  life  was  put  in  jeopardy  by 
some  drunken  and  ill-tempered  fellow  who  picked  a 


302  BACK 

quarrel  with  every  first  person  he  met.  He  took  care 
to  avoid  the  scarlet  cloak  and  the  long  train  of  at- 
tendants, the  many  lights  and  the  brazen  lamp,  but 
you  whom  the  moon  alone  attended  he  assassinated. 
Or  you  met  a  worse  fate  if  you  fell  into  the  hands  of 
the  soldiers,  driven  by  a  mob  and  legging  it  about 
the  streets,  and  who  would  crack  your  head  as  if 
they  were  cracking  a  joke,  and  thus  revenge  them- 
selves on  the  pursuing  mob/' 

Thus  in  ancient  Rome  they  needed  insurance  and 
only  had  assurance,  while  nowadays  we  have  insur- 
ance but  only  need  assurance.  In  modern  life  danger 
is  minimized  and  insurance  magnified.  I  was  quite 
heavily  insured  against  accident,  and  my  observation 
and  experience  had  been  that  the  heavier  the  insurance 
the  slighter  the  danger,  and  the  slighter  the  danger,  the 
heavier  the  insurance.  This  is  the  policy  of  the  com- 
panies. The  only  difficulty  about  insurance  is  to  get 
enough  to  entirely  avert  danger.  It  is  a  subject  for 
statistics.  Statistics  never  lie  to  insurance  companies, 
for  they  have  policy  holders  to  make  good  and  an  ad- 
vertisement system  to  make  policy  holders. 

Those  who  did  not  carry  much  insurance  were  con- 
siderably frightened,  particularly  after  the  danger  was 
over  and  they  learned  of  it,  and  even  to  this  day  they 
talk  with  bulging  eyes  of  the  might-have-been  disaster. 
Accident  insurance,  therefore,  should  be  carried  for  the 
comfort  it  affords  both  before  and  after  the  dangers 
are  past,  as  a  remedy  for  nervousness.  You  go  into 
danger  with  a  prospect  of  making  your  family  the 
present  of  a  snug  little  sum  of  money,  and  are  thus 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        303 

braver  and  more  cheerful;  that  is,  if  you  are  a  mar- 
ried man.  A  bachelor  may  be  brave,  but  death  for 
him  has  no  cheerful  side.  He  has  to  depend  upon 
life. 

Mrs.  Reid,  in  trying  to  spend  more  time  with  her 
husband,  was  fortunate  enough  to  be  left  behind.  She 
thus  would  have  two  or  three  more  happy  days  with 
him  before  the  next  ship  would  come  for  bananas,  and 
she  would  then  return  at  night  according  to  the  reg- 
ular custom.  She  would,  of  course,  have  to  take  her 
chances  with  the  reefs  if  the  night  should  happen  to 
be  dark;  but  who  would  hesitate  to  choose  between 
a  slight  death  risk  at  night  and  certain  deathly  sick- 
ness by  day?  I  think  it  quite  likely  that  her  husband 
did  not  allow  her  to  risk  the  passage  of  the  Tiger's 
Mouths  in  such  a  night. 

We  bore  up  pretty  well  during  the  trying  three 
hours  at  sea,  all  but  Doctor  Frank  and  the  ladies. 
Doctor  Osterhout  was  again  taken  with  one  of  his 
drowsy,  unsociable  spells  soon  after  we  got  out  in 
the  open  sea ;  he.  lay  down  on  the  bench  and  covered 
his  head,  as  usual,  and  was  not  heard  from  again  un- 
til we  entered  the  tranquil  waters  of  Almirante  Bay 
just  in  time  for  the  eleven  o'clock  breakfast.  He 
seemed  to  have  the  faculty  of  awakening  whenever 
he  wanted  to  eat  or  talk. 

Doctor  Senn  had  been  hinting  enthusiastically  about 
an  alligator  hunt,  so  the  local  doctors  organized  an  ex- 
cursion up  the  Chanquinola  River,  which  ran  through 
the  company's  plantation.  The  plantation,  according 
to  Doctor  Osterhout's  information,  contained  1,000 


304  BACK 

acres  of  land  and  was  twelve  miles  long;  but  he  did 
not  say  how  wide  that  would  make  it.  The  reader 
can  easily  figure  out  the  width  for  himself,  or  if  he 
can  not,  let  him  get  one  of  his  boys  or  girls  who  is 
going  to  school  do  it  for  him — they  are  fresh  in  math- 
ematics. The  river  is  about  1,200  feet  wide  and  quite 
deep,  but  as  its  mouth  is  completely  closed  to  naviga- 
tion by  reefs,  the  company  had  dug  a  channel  about 
twenty  feet  wide  and  eight  miles  long  connecting  it 
with  Almirante  Bay. 

A  steam  launch  having  been  placed  at  our  disposal, 
we  steamed  across  the  bay  to  the  mainland,  which  was 
several  miles  from  Bocas  del  Toro,  entered  the  con- 
necting channel,  and  were  soon  gliding  through  the 
jungle.  On  our  left  the  forest  came  to  the  water's 
edge ;  on  the  right  a  narrow  pathway  had  been  cleared 
for  pedestrians.  Without  this  cleared  way  pedestrians 
would  not  have  been  able  to  reach  the  different  sta- 
tions along  the  canal.  A  fine  rain  was  falling  a  large 
part  of  the  time,  but  Doctor  Senn  and  Doctor  Oster- 
hout  sat  upon  the  awning  with  their  legs  dangling 
down  over  the  edge,  shooting  birds  and  looking  for 
alligators.  The  rest  of  us  sat  or  stood  comfortably 
under  the  awning  and,  thus  protected,  enjoyed  the 
novel  scenery.  The  most  interesting  part  was  watch- 
ing the  tropical  birds  of  many  sizes,  shapes  and  colors 
that  flew  incessantly  from  one  part  of  the  impenetra- 
ble wilderness  across  our  path  to  settle  down  in  an- 
other, some  remaining  on  the  trees  where  we  could  get 
a  better  view  of  them  as  we  passed,  others  disappear- 
ing in  the  jungle  as  suddenly  as  they  had  appeared. 


TOUCAN,  OR  PREACHER  BIRD 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        305 

We  saw  cockatoos,  parrots,  toucans  and  a  great  varie- 
ty of  small  birds,  which,  taken  together,  might  be 
said  to  be  almost  as  numerous  as  sparrows  about  our 
Northern  houses  and  gardens.  Although  Doctor 
Senn  killed  a  large  number  of  them  as  they  flew  by, 
we  could  seldom  get  one  because  they  fell  into  the 
tangle  of  the  dense  underbrush. 

The  most  common  of  the  larger  birds  was  the  tou- 
can, the  most  extraordinary  degenerate  in  the  whole 
animal  kingdom,  not  even  excepting  man.  It  has  a 
nose  as  long  as  its  body.  Pluck  out  its  feathers  and 
you  can  not  tell  which  is  the  degenerate  part,  the 
enormously  developed,  six-inch  bill  or  the  compara- 
tively puny,  six-inch  body.  The  bill  is  certainly  the 
best  developed  of  the  two  and  capable  of  giving  the 
body  the  best  possible  chance  of  gathering  food  and 
surviving  where  other  species  might  die  out.  Perhaps 
this  adaptability  for  feeding  itself  accounted  for  the 
great  number  we  saw  in  comparison  with  the  smaller 
number  of  others  of  any  one  kind.  But  how  the  bird 
manages  to  escape  indigestion  is  certainly  a  mystery. 
One  mouthful  ought  to  replete  it  beyond  recovery. 
The  color  of  the  bill  is  a  softly  blended  mixture  of 
red,  yellow,  blue  and  green,  and  the  body  a  gaudy 
combination  of  the  same.  The  bird  is  called  by  the 
natives  the  "preacher  bird"  because  it  owes  its  rep- 
utation to  the  development  of  its  mouth ;  and  one  va- 
riety has  a  black  body  like  a  preacher.  But  I  myself 
would  have  called  it  the  "fashion  bird"  because  it  re- 
sembles a  woman  of  fashion;  for  it  attracts  attention 
from  a  distance  by  the  enormity  of  its  headgear,  and 
20 


306  BACK 

when  the  body  arrives  you  are  confronted  with  a  bunch 
of  beautiful  frills  and  feathers,  a  "thing  of  beauty  and 
a  joy  forever." 

But  Doctor  Senn  was  out  for  alligators,  for  some- 
thing that  could  not  fly  away  and  get  lost  in  the  jun- 
gle after  it  was  killed,  and  he  would  have  sat  on  the 
sharp  edge  of  the  awning  with  his  feet  in  midair  for 
a  week  rather  than  miss  the  big  game.  He  did  thus 
sit  for  four  hours,  and  was  finally  rewarded.  After 
traversing  eight  miles  of  wilderness,  we  came  to  the 
river  and  steamed  upstream  a  few  miles,  enjoying 
extended  views  of  hill  and  valley ;  and  on  our  way  back 
spied  the  alligator.  He  was  lying  on  his  stomach 
basking  in  the  sun,  which  had  come  out  after  the  rain 
and  which  was  drying  off  his  back  and  Doctor  Senn's 
legs.  He  looked  immense,  sprawled  out  at  the  water's 
edge  in  an  attitude  of  the  greatest  reptilian  comfort 
and  content,  as  if  seeming  to  say,  "You  scratch  my 
back  and  I'll  scratch  yours."  Doctor  Senn  took  in 
the  situation  and  scratched  his  back. 

As  we  were  several  hundred  feet  away,  it  was  im- 
possible to  say  just  where  the  bullet  struck.  The  alli- 
'gator  knew,  however,  and  was  satisfied  with  one 
scratch,  for  he  flopped  into  the  water  and  disappeared 
as  if  he  had  been  shot  and  we  left  him  for  dead.  It 
occurred  to  me  that  there  were  three  things  an  alli- 
gator hunter  has  to  contend  with,  viz.,  first,  to  find 
his  game ;  next,  to  kill  it,  and,  last,  to  get  it.  But  for 
these  difficulties  I  might  enjoy  alligator  hunting  my- 
self. 

As  we  glided  back  late  in  the  afternoon  through  the 


AFTER  BANANAS  AND  ALLIGATORS        307 

still  waters  of  the  artificial  forest  channel,  closely 
hemmed  in  on  either  side  by  the  mysterious  solitude 
of  omnipotent  Nature,  and  which  was  now  silent  and 
strewn  with  the  dead  reminders  of  Doctor  Senn's  fell 
ambition,  it  seemed  to  me  that  these  two  excursions 
to  the  banana  plantations  would  have  saved  my  trip 
to  the  tropics  from  failure  even  if  the  congress  had 
not  served  as  the  fulfillment  of  a  joyous  scientific  duty. 
Nothing  else  had  come  up  to  my  expectations,  except 
bad  weather,  seasickness  and  the  $25,000  barrel.  Now 
I  had  had  my  reward  and  felt  that  traveling  in  the 
tropics  surpassed  all  other  travel  in  the  world — some- 
times for  good  and  sometimes  for  bad.  Staying  at 
home  is  the  only  thing  that  beats  it  in  either  respect. 
Any  fool  can  travel  in  the  tropics  but  it  takes  a  wise 
man,  or  a  poor  man,  to  stay  at  home.  Blessed  are  the 
wise,  and  the  poor. 

However,  there  have  been  wise  men  who  went  to 
Panama ;  but  they  came  back  again.  Work  was  made 
for  the  white  man  in  the  North  and  probably  for  the 
negro  in  the  temperate  South,  but  no  work  was  in- 
tended to  be  done  by  any  one  in  tropical  regions,  un- 
less he  goes  up  on  a  high  mountain  to  do  it.  The 
Northerner,  by  centuries  of  practice,  has  acquired  im- 
munity from  the  bad  effects  of  work  in  temperate  cli- 
mates, but  this  immunity  soon  wears  out  when  he  goes 
to  the  tropics,  just  as  the  immunity  from  the  bad  ef- 
fects of  loafing  wears  off  when  the  native  of  the  trop- 
ics comes  North.  The  bad  effects  of  work  are  en- 
demic in  the  tropics  and  are  only  kept  from  becoming 
epidemic  by  the  small  amount  of  work  done.  I  hope 


3o8  BACK 

that  the  new  canal  officials  and  engineers  will  be  sol- 
diers and  will,  like  our  army  officers  already  stationed 
at  Panama,  prove  an  exception  to  human  nature  and 
will  become  immune  to  the  laws  of  human  nature  and 
do  some  work  on  the  ground,  and  that  they  will  live 
long  enough.* 

*The  above  was  written  before  the  president  undertook  to  construct  the 
canal  through  the  agency  of  army  officers  and  thus  removes  all  doubt  about 
the  wisdom  of  his  course.  The  work  is  now  being  done  for  the  benefit  of 
the  United  States  instead  of  for  the  benefit  of  engineers  and  contractors. 
The  adoption  of  this  course  was  a  happy  thought  of  a  great  administration. 


CHAPTER  IV 

From  Bad  to  Worse 

Out  of  Provisions — Shopping  for  Wet  Goods  in  the  Dark — 
Mud  and  Rain — Artistic  Imitation  of  Jamaica  Cigars — 
Smoking  for  Fair  Weather — A  Stoic  Doctor — Ingratitude 
—A  Model  Roommate— A  $1,200  Bill  for  False  Labels- 
Spoiling  a  Good  Article  with  a  Poor  Price — Prepared  to 
Fast — The  Greatest  Mathematician  and  Gravest  Phi- 
losopher of  Modern  Times — Rough  Weather — A  Ladies' 
Man— In  Protected  Waters— All  on  Deck— A  Sudden 
Arrival — An  Unsuccessful  Attempt — A  Rolling  Ship 
Gathers  no  Stoics — A  Charge  on  a  Steamer  Chair — Wash- 
ing the  Deck  with  White  Rock  Water— Female  Sym- 
pathy— A  Dispute  between  Two  Old  Friends — A  Broken 
Chair — A  Retreat — An  Immune  from  Seasickness — 
Rough  Again — The  Breakfast  Habit — Eating  and  Roll- 
ing— A  Mixed-up  Breakfast — Being  Rammed  and  Trod 
upon — Too  much  Hughes — Pope  and  Jordan — The 
Apotheosis  of  Calmness — Philosophy  out  of  Place — Struck 
by  a  Norther — A  Night  of  Pandemonium — Distressed 
Doctors — A  Doctor's  Appetite — A  Doctor  in  Distress — 
Getting  Dressed  Successfully — Losing  Time  to  Avoid 
Being  Wrecked. 

Upon  our  return  to  Bocas  del  Toro  we  discovered 
that  we  were  in  need  of  a  new  supply  of  provisions. 
We  had  smoked  the  cigars,  the  ladies  had  consumed 
the  sherry,  Doctor  Brower  had  drunk  the  water  and 
the  liquor  had  evaporated.  Hence  we  resolved  to 
make  a  night  raid  upon  the  company's  warehouse. 

309 


BACK 

The  darkness  was  intense  and  it  began  to  rain  again, 
and  as  there  were  no  street  lamps,  we  had  to  find  our 
way  by  the  light  of  memory.  This  guided  us  success- 
fully both  to  the  warehouse  and  to  the  mud  puddles, 
the  first  of  which  was  unfortunately  closed  and  the 
latter  open.  However,  the  local  doctors,  our  good 
genii,  who  always  appeared  whenever  we  "rubbed"  up 
against  difficulty  and  wished  for  anything,  went  off 
into  the  dark  and  hunted  up  the  agent  and  found  him 
eating.  After  he  had  finished  what  must  have  been 
a  many-course  dinner  he  finally  appeared;  but  as  he 
was  not  the  custodian  of  the  keys  he  started  out  to 
locate  the  negro  who  was,  leaving  us  standing  at  the 
warehouse  door  in  darkness  and  drizzle,  and  in  hopes 
that  negroes  dined  earlier  and  less  protractedly  than 
managers.  When  the  negro  at  last  arrived  he  also 
went  away  in  search  of  a  candle,  for  there  was  no 
provision  for  lighting  the  warehouses.  The  absence 
of  lighting  apparatus  and  the  prohibition  of  smoking 
in  the  building  served  as  a  substitute  for  an  insur- 
ance company  and  a  fire  department.  When  the  can- 
dle finally  came,  its  light  was  practically  lost  in  the 
large  salesroom,  and  the  salesmen,  who  were  the  only 
beings  that  knew  where  the  goods  were  kept,  were 
not  there.  But  we  did  not  care  to  wait  for  the  sales- 
man to  eat  and  be  sent  for ;  waiting  and  eating  didn't 
seem  to  expedite  matters.  So  we  proceeded  to  hunt 
in  the  dark  for  the  needles  in  the  haystack,  for  the  can- 
dle showed  but  one  thing  at  a  time,  and  that  was  after 
it  had  been  brpught  about  near  enough  to  set  it  on 
fire.  However,  Doctor  Brower  found  and  purchased 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE  311 

a  box  of  one  hundred  bottles  of  White  Rock,  and 
Doctor  Senn  found  plenty  of  Pommard,  although 
Pommard  was  not  what  was  wanted. 

By  this  time  we  young  men  were  tired  of  waiting 
for  what  could  not  be  found  and,  leaving  the  older 
ones  marching  single  file  around  and  about  between 
the  counters  and  shelves  by  the  light  of  a  candle,  like 
a  catacomb  party  without  a  guide,  we  waded  across 
the  muddy  street  toward  a  light  that  proved  to  be  in 
the  window  of  a  Chinese  provision  store,  and  obtained 
what  we  wanted  in  a  minute.  We  called  for  some 
Jamaica  Tropicales,  which  were  the  only  good  cigars 
retailed  over  the  counter  in  the  Panama  Republic. 
They  were  always  uniform  in  quality  as  far  as  our 
experience  went,  and  when  the  Chinaman  put  a  half 
box  of  them  on  the  counter  we  quickly  transferred 
them  to  our  pockets  and  called  for  more.  But  instead 
of  opening  a  new  box,  he  reached  under  the  counter, 
gathered  a  couple  of  handfuls  of  cigars  and  placed 
them  in  the  box  out  of  which  we  had  bought  the  oth- 
ers. This,  of  course,  made  us  suspicious,  since  Ja- 
maica cigars  must  have  been  imported  in  boxes.  Nev- 
ertheless, when  compared  with  one  I  had  left  from 
a  fine  lot  I  had  bought  at  Washington  Hotel,  I  could 
not  detect  any  difference.  If  the  cigars  were  imita- 
tions they  were  works  of  imitative  art  that  did  credit 
even  to  a  Chinaman,  and  were  valuable  as  such.  So 
we  bought  freely  of  them  and  felt  still  more  certain 
of  their  genuineness  because  he  charged  us  twenty- 
five  cents  in  Panama  silver  instead  of  twenty  cents, 
and  would  not  listen  to  our  offers  to  buy  much  more 


3i2  BACK 

freely  for  twenty  cents.  We  were,  however,  glad  to 
pay  the  extra  five  cents  as  it  was  a  sort  of  guarantee 
that  they  were  genuine.  We  knew  that  an  imitation 
never  costs  more  than  the  original.  Finding  the  cigars 
so  orthodox,  we  called  for  sherry,  and  as  it  was  la- 
beled exactly  like  that  we  had  bought  before,  we  pur- 
chased some  and  went  out  in  the  rain  and  mud  re- 
joicing. 

We  were  soon  back  on  shipboard,  and  when  we  had 
finished  our  dinner  I  sat  down  to  enjoy  one  of  my  fresh 
Tropicales.  To  my  surprise,  it  did  not  have  the  flavor 
it  should  have  had,  and  became  worse  with  each  puff. 
I  threw  it  away  half  smoked,  for  what  I  smoke  on 
shipboard  must  be  all  right,  or  it  is  all  wrong.  I 
again  compared  those  I  had  bought  with  the  good  one 
I  had  brought,  and  there  still  seemed  to  be  no  differ- 
ence. They  looked  so  good  that  I  felt  like  keeping  them 
to  look  at  whenever  I  was  tempted  to  smoke. 
But  that  would  have  been  selfish,  for  I  had 
learned  that  Doctor  Senn  had  not  been  able  to 
find  any  cigars  in  the  dark  warehouse,  and  was 
longing  for  a  good  smoke.  I  also  knew  that  anything 
that  looked  like  tobacco  would  be  acceptable  to  him, 
just  as  boiled  leather  made  grateful  soup  for  Mor- 
gan's buccaneers  when  they  were  starving  on  their 
way  across  the  isthmus.  So  I  presented  my  Chinese 
works  of  art  to  him.  He  accepted  them  gratefully 
without  dreaming  of  questioning  their  quality,  and 
smoked  them  on  faith  during  the  rest  of  the  stormy 
voyage,  a  remarkable  tour  de  force  at  such  a  time.  He 
had  the  faith  that  performs  miracles  and  perfumes 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE  313 

tobacco.  During  a  storm  a  cigar  seemed  to  steady 
him  as  a  pole  steadies  a  tight-rope  walker.  While  the 
ladies  were  praying  for  fine  weather,  and  the  men 
sighing  and  groaning  for  it,  Doctor  Senn  smoked 
for  it,  and  got  it.  He  made  his  own  weather.  To  him 
storms  and  showers  became  unsubstantial  externals 
and  went  up  in  smoke.  Neither  strong  cigars  nor 
mountain  waves  affected  him  nor  disturbed  the  even 
tenor  of  his  ways.  He  took  them  as  they  came  and 
called  them  good.  Indeed  but  few  men  are  gifted 
with  his  powers  of  endurance  nor  his  even  temper  in 
times  of  storm  and  distress.  I  was  his  roommate  and, 
altogether,  heard  him  sigh  only  twice  while  in  the 
stateroom,  and  these  sighs  were  probably  merely  lit- 
tle suppressed  gusts  of  impatience  at  the  choice  of  the 
ship  he  had  made,  and  the  ingratitude  of  the  com- 
pany's officials  in  turning  him  out  of  his  room  after 
he  had  filled  the  ship  for  them  with  first-class  passen- 
gers. 

I  have  thought  it  worth  the  while  to  mention  this 
Chinese  cheat  for  the  benefit  of  those  who  remain  at 
home  and  can  not  get  their  experience  at  first  hand. 
It  is  necessary  to  be  careful  in  buying  wines  and  liq- 
uors and  other  less  popular  goods  of  them,  to  see  that 
they  are  properly  labeled  and  in  unbroken  packages. 
However,  there  is  even  then  an  opportunity  of  being 
cheated,  for  although  the  Chinese  on  the  isthmus  have 
not  the  facilities  for  putting  up  goods  in  imitation  of 
those  imported  in  packages,  some  of  the  white  mer- 
chants are  reported  to  be  carrying  on  a  large  busi- 
ness in  the  substitution  of  goods.  One  firm  in  Colon 


314  EACK 

is  said  to  have  paid  a  single  bill  of  $1,200  for  counter- 
feit labels  to  be  put  upon  goods  of  their  own  bottling. 
This  is  shocking  to  us  North  Americans,  who  have 
recently  passed  a  law  against  false  labeling. 

Of  course,  the  Chinese  are  apt  to  buy  these  falsely 
labeled  articles  and  sell  them  in  good  faith.  Hence 
it  is  also  better  to  get  everything  one  can  not  judge 
of  for  himself  from  reputable  business  houses,  al- 
though one  may  have  to  pay  more.  I  remember  that 
when  Doctor  Senn  and  I  stopped  at  a  Chinese  store 
in  Colon  and  asked  for  the  best  sherry  in  the  country 
the  Chinaman  offered  us  a  bottle  for  seventy  cents  in 
gold.  We  were  too  aristocratic  to  buy  such  cheap 
stuff,  although  the  label  looked  genuine,  and  we  re- 
fused to  take  it.  We  hunted  up  a  well-known  whole- 
sale and  retail  importing  house  and  bought  a  bottle 
for  a  dollar.  I  afterward  examined  the  label  and  it 
was  exactly  like  the  label  on  the  Chinaman's  seventy- 
cent  bottle,  and  like  the  one  on  the  bottle  I  bought 
of  the  Chinaman  at  Bocas  del  Toro  for  seventy  cents. 
The  wine  tasted  the  same  and  was  the  same  in  every 
respect  but  one,  viz.,  the  price.  We  knew  also  that  it 
was  imported  wine  for  we  were  not  buying  it  in  the 
United  States. 

At  last  we  were  all  aboard  the  Brighton:  bananas, 
plantains,  pineapples,  oranges,  wines,  cigars,  land- 
lubbers, land  ladies  and  all,  and  started  merrily  for 
home.  We  were  glad  to  get  out  of  the  mud  and  rain, 
and  soon  were  off,  and  out  in  a  rough  sea. 

The  next  morning  we  awoke  to  find  the  ship  rock- 
ing like  a  cradle.  We  had  prepared  ourselves  to  feast, 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE  315 

but  found  ourselves  ready  to  fast.  Feasting  is  often  a 
preparation  for  fasting.  This  fact  is  in  keeping  with 
the  advice  of  the  greatest  mathematician  and  gravest 
philosopher  in  the  business  world,  viz.,  the  modern 
insurance  agent,  who  says  that  in  health  we  should 
be  continually  preparing  for  sickness  and  death. 
Feasting  does  it. 

All  day  long  we  had  a  succession  of  squalls  and 
tropical  showers,  drenching  the  canvas  of  our  steamer 
chairs  and  converting  the  upper  deck  into  a  rendez- 
vous of  cold  shower  baths.  The  ladies  staid  in  bed 
while  the  men  wandered  disconsolately  along  the  wave- 
swept  deck  from  the  stuffy  staterooms  to  the  dreary 
dining-room.  With  the  aid  of  appetizers  some  of  the 
more  determined  ones  managed  to  go  to  meals,  nibble 
a  little  and  hurry  out  on  deck  where  the  ever-waiting 
wave  seldom  failed  to  give  a  douche  and  get  a  d n. 

As  Doctor  Senn  was  not  seasick,  he  was  kept  busy 
waiting  on  the  ladies.  There  was  no  stewardess  on 
board,  but  I  am  sure  no  stewardess  could  have  been 
more  willing  for  pay  to  do  what  he  did  out  of  kind- 
ness of  heart.  The  ladies  suffered  not  for  iced  sherry 
nor  for  egg-nogs  and,  under  his  care,  got  better  when- 
ever the  weather  moderated.  He  proved  to  be  a 
ladies'  man  in  the  best  sense  of  the  word.  The  steward, 
who  was  not  a  ladies'  man,  was  kept  busy  in  the  din- 
mg-room  and  pantry  most  of  the  time  but,  acting  as 
the  doctor's  assistant  in  preparing  things,  he  man- 
aged to  be  of  some  occasional  use  besides  putting  on 
and  taking  off  table  food  that  was  not  tasted.  Wheth- 
er the  doctor  enjoyed  the  honor  thrust  upon  him  of 
waiting  upon  the  ladies,  or  whether  he  was  clandes- 


3i6  BACK 

tinely  annoyed,  no  one  could  assert  or  deny,  for  he  did 
it  with  the  same  dutiful  cheer  that  he  ate,  slept, 
smoked  and  worked,  one  or  more  of  which  he  was  do- 
ing all  the  time. 

During  the  night  we  ran  into  protected  waters  near 
the  coast  of  Honduras  and  the  doctor's  patients  all 
felt  better,  and  Friday  morning  were  able,  by  lying 
very  still  on  their  steamer  chairs,  to  be  on  deck.  He 
asked  them  how  they  felt  and  they  said  they  felt  quite 
well,  and  thanked  him  for  it.  The  ship  had  stopped 
its  pitching  and  had  taken  a  slow-rolling  gait,  a  sort 
of  sea-canter,  that  was  quite  easy  for  those  who  liked 
it. 

The  weather  overhead  was  sunshiny  and  alluring, 
and  all  of  the  men  but  Doctor  Brower  and  Doctor 
Frank  were  out.  Suddenly,  to  our  delight,  Doctor 
Brower  appeared  among  us  and  was  greeted  with  ap- 
propriate applause.  The  doctor  is  a  large  man  with 
one  of  those  cheery  natures  whose  hearty  laugh 
spreads  its  contagion  wherever  it  is  heard.  He  is  of 
sober  Dutch  descent,  but  so  many  American  grafts 
have  been  incorporated  into  the  original  stock  that  the 
only  Dutch  qualities  left  are  a  large  waist,  great  in- 
dustry, and  an  unusual  capacity  for  work  and  words. 
Physically  considered  he  is  the  equivalent  of  a  whole 
roomful  of  Dutchmen,  and  has  tenfold  the  vivacity  of 
the  whole  Netherlands  on  his  tongue.  He  has  that 
easily  aroused,  nervous  organism  that  belongs  to  our 
own  country,  and  which  is  undoubtedly  accentuated 
in  him  by  having  spent  his  whole  adult  life  studying 
and  treating  neurasthenics  and  lunatics.  It  is  a  well- 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE  317 

recognized  fact  that  people  who  live  with  or  associate 
intimately  with  the  insane  have  more  or  less  mental 
aberration  induced  in  them  by  a  sort  of  hypnotic  sug- 
gestion, an  aberration  which  neurologists  recognize 
in  others,  but  not  in  themselves. 

He  greeted  us  without  the  signs  of  joyful  emotion 
that  characterized  his  usual  manner,  and  hurried  across 
the  deck  to  the  pile  of  steamer  chairs,  jerked  off  the 
topmost  one,  which  was  Doctor  Frank's,  and  unfolded 
it  hurriedly.  Just  as  he  had  it  straightened  out  and 
placed,  the  boat  gave  a  lurch  to  one  side  and  sent  him 
staggering  across  the  deck.  When  he  struck  the  life- 
boat he  clung  to  it,  straightened  up  and  stared  at  the 
chair  defiantly,  as  if  to  say,  "Damn !"  But  he  had  the 
gentlemanly  instinct  that  did  not  allow  him  to  forget 
himself  in  the  presence  of  ladies.  He  tried  to  assume 
his  usual  cheerful  but  dignified  expression,  but  his 
feature  only  expressed  pathos  and  pathology.  A  roll- 
ing ship  gathers  no  stoics,  as  the  saying  is.  We  would 
have  led  him  to  the  chair,  but  we  knew  that  he  had 
the  pride  born  of  the  habitual  exercise  of  power  and 
authority,  and  would  resent  help  as  long  as  he  was 
able  to  be  on  his  feet.  Moreover,  most  of  us  felt 
that  we  ourselves  might  suddenly  lose  our  dignity, 
etc.,  if  we  did  not  lie  still.  Finally  the  spirit  of  the 
soldier  gained  the  upper  hand.  He1  made  a  success- 
ful charge  upon  the  chair  and  dropped  on  it  with  such 
force  that  its  rickety  joints  cracked  and  its  slender 
legs  began  to  spread.  While  on  his  feet  he  had  dis- 
played some  remnants  of  his  great  energy,  but  his 
head  was  no  sooner  down  than  his  energy  centered 


3i8  BACK 

itself  in  the  stomach.  He  jumped  up  into  a  sitting 
posture  as  if  started  by  an  electric  shock,  and  before 
he  could  get  on  his  feet  the  deck  was  flooded  with 
White  Rock  water.  He  then  sank  back  in  the  steamer 
chair,  causing  more  spreading  and  creaking  of  its 
frail  legs  and  exclaimed,  "I  declare !  That  White  Rock 
tastes  better  out  of  the  bottle  than  out  of  the  stomach/' 

At  this,  the  lady  who  sat  next  to  him  could  not  re- 
sist an  impulse  to  imitate  him,  although  she  had  other- 
wise good  manners.  But  she  had  no  reserve  of  White 
Rock  to  call  upon;  she  could  produce  nothing  but  a 
set  of  teeth,  which  went  overboard.  Discouraged 
with  the  result  of  so  much  conspicuous  and  exhaust- 
ive effort,  she  allowed  herself  to  be  helped  off  the 
scene  by  her  gagging  husband.  Several  of  us  sup- 
pressed a  few  sympathetic  flourishes  and  hid  our  eyes 
like  ostriches,  and  were  safe. 

Pretty  soon  Doctor  Senn,  who  had  experience  in 
about  everything  but  in  being  seasick,  began  to  think 
that  perhaps  Doctor  Brower  needed  some  helpful 
advice,  and  said  in  his  kind,  deliberate  way:  "Brower, 
you  have  been  drinking  again.  I  have  always  told 
you  that  so  much  water  disagreed  with  you.  The 
deck  was  made  to  be  kept  clean,  but  not  with  White 
Rock.  If  you  would  drink  something  stronger,  it 
would  teach  you  to  drink  less  in  quantity,  and  thus 
incline  you  toward  moderation." 

Doctor  Brower  raised  himself  to  make  a  vigorous 
response  when  the  spreading  legs  of  the  rickety  chair 
gave  way,  and  man  and  chair  collapsed,  the  doctor 
sick  and  the  chair  dead. 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE  319 

"Come,  Brower,  let  me  help  you  to  your  state- 
room. Bed  is  the  best  place  when  you  are  sick." 

While  saying  this  Doctor  Senn  went  to  him  to  help 
him,  but  he  began  to  feel  better  and  would  not  be 
helped. 

"No,  thank  you,  Senn;  I  am  all  right  now.  I  never 
felt  better.  I'll  try  another  chair." 

"Ah,  I  thought  that  you  were  not  really  sick.  It 
was  all  a  joke  after  all.  As  long  as  a  man  can  con- 
tinue producing  more  than  he  consumes  he  must  be 
all  right.  Have  a  cigar." 

Doctor  Brower  looked  at  the  cigar,  turned  suddenly 
pale,  said  "Ugh,"  and  started  toward  his  stateroom. 

"What  a  great  thing  a  sea  voyage  is  to  bring  out 
all  there  is  in  a  man,"  said  Senn,  as  his  friend  disap- 
peared. He  then  lighted  a  fresh  cigar  and  sat  down 
to  read  French  poetry. 

But  Doctor  Brower's  experience  was  only  a  sample 
of  what  was  in  store  for  the  rest  of  us.  He  merely 
got  ahead  of  the  crowd,  as  usual.  Eleven  o'clock, 
our  breakfast  hour,  came  an  hour  too  late.  By  eleven 
o'clock  the  wind  blew,  the  waves  grew,  and  the  break- 
fast flew.  But  the  breakfast  habit  had  become  too 
firmly  fixed  to  be  broken  off  voluntarily,  and  when  the 
hour  came  around,  those  of  us  who  were  able  to  be 
about  could  not  resist  the  impulse  to  try  our  luck.  Two 
ladies  were  counted  among  the  brave  when  we  solemn- 
ly filed  into  the  dining-room,  viz.,  Doctor  Waite  and 
Mrs.  Brower.  But  they  were  out  of  place,  for  the  oc- 
casion called  for  gymnastics  rather  than  gustatics,  for 
dexterity  rather  than  daintiness.  The  table,  which 


320  BACK 

extended  across  the  room  from  side  to  side,  was  set 
with  the  frames  on,  for  the  rolling  of  the  ship  was 
such  that  itself  was  about  the  only  thing  that  did  not 
go  over.  Every  few  minutes  a  big  lurch  would  send 
dishes,  frames,  chairs  and  passengers  sliding  down  to 
the  end  of  the  table,  changing  food  from  one  framed 
space  to  another,  and  feet  and  elbows  from  one  place 
to  another. 

Doctor  Hughes,  who  sat  next  to  me,  had  an  old 
head  and  a  young  face,  and  was  of  that  indefinite  age 
at  which  the  hair  turns  prematurely  white  and  men 
grow  considerate  and  gentle  in  their  ways  and  feel- 
ings. He  was  greatly  distressed  whenever  his  chair 
struck  mine,  when  his  feet  came  down  upon  my  feet, 
when  his  elbow  rammed  my  ribs,  and  his  bottles  and 
plates  with  their  spilling  contents  mixed  freely  with 
mine.  His  elbows  hurt  me  and  he  knew  it;  but  he 
was  helpless  to  avoid  it,  for  I  sat  in  the  corner  of  an 
ell  at  the  end  of  the  table  and  served  as  a  buffer 
to  stop  the  advance  of  the  whole  line.  He  had  the 
accumulated  momentum  of  the  others,  besides  the 
motion  of  the  ship,  to  resist,  but  he  had  me  for  a  cush- 
ion. His  distress  was  mental;  mine  was  physical. 

In  order  to  conceal  my  suffering  I  called  in  as  gay  a 
voice  as  I  could  command  to  Doctor  Newman,  who  sat 
opposite  on  the  solid  seat  that  ran  along  the  wall  of  the 
room,  and  was  able  to  cling  to  his  place  and  to  his  food. 
"What  do  you  think  of  this  jam,  Doctor  Newman?" 
"I'm  fond  of  jam ;  pass  it  over,  please." 
"Ask  Doctor  Hughes.     I  got  mine  from  him." 
"Oh!  Ah!  I  see!     You've  got  too  much  Hughes. 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE 


321 


Everything  is  going  your  way.  But  this  passive 
exercise  is  just  what  we  all  need.  The  boat  is  doing 
the  moving ;  all  we  have  to  do  is  to  resist,  and  to  eat." 

Doctor  Frank  had  brought  Jordan's  "Majesty  of 
Calmness"  to  read  en  voyage,  but  had  not  yet  come 
out  of  his  five-days'  doze.  So  Doctor  Hughes  bor- 
rowed it  (not  the  doze),  and  spent  the  afternoon  read- 
ing extracts  to  us  from  it,  and  in  quoting  Pope's 
"Essay  on  Man."  At  any  other  time  and  place  I  prob- 
ably could  have  appreciated  these  books,  although  I 
would  not  have  taken  time  to  read  them,  but  it  seemed 
to  me  that  Jordan  was  more  or  less  possessed  about  the 
word  calmness.  It  is  easy  to  say  to  yourself  or  to 
the  sea,  "Be  calm,"  but  there  are  things  beyond  Jor- 
dan both  in  the  mind  and  in  the  sea.  Pope's  polished 
verse  and  filigreed  philosophy  are  out  of  place  in  the 
trade-winds.  Even  the  meaning  of  words  and  the 
truth  of  philosophy  depend  upon  the  way  the  wind 
blows.  It  is  not  what  the  author  writes,  but  what  the 
reader  reads  that  makes  the  book. 

We  were  heartily  weary  of  trade-winds  which  came 
from  the  east  and  kept  steadily  in  our  quarter,  and 
we  clamored  for  a  change,  knowing  that  all  things 
come  to  those  that  wait.  And  the  change  did  come. 
At  about  9  P.  M.  the  wind  changed  and  a  "norther" 
struck  us.  And  we  quickly  realized  that  it  was  a 
change,  all  except  Doctor  Senn.  He  may  have  no- 
ticed a  difference.  It  was  one  of  those  things  nobody 
could  divine. 

Discretion  was  the  only  part  of  valor  for  us  and  we 
arrayed  ourselves  on  the  side  of  Doctor  Brower,  who 

21 


322  BACK 

was  a  born  leader.  We  got  to  bed  as  quickly  as  pos- 
sible without  thinking  of  consequences,  or  of  prepar- 
ing either  our  souls  or  our  staterooms.  The  ship  be- 
gan to  pitch  as  well  as  roll,  and  a  sort  of  "still  life" 
pandemonium  kept  us  awake  all  night.  The  steamer 
screw  was  out  of  water  half  of  the  time  and  shook 
us,  and  the  motion  of  the  boat  knocked  us  about  in 
our  bunks  until  we  felt  beaten  up  like  raw  eggs.  The 
electric  light  was  put  out  as  usual  at  midnight  and 
we  were  left  to  our  imaginations.  Doors  and  port- 
hole windows  began  to  slam  with  startling  thuds, 
chairs  tumbled  over  and  bumped  back  and  forth,  bot- 
tles rolled  and  clinked  around  the  stateroom  floors, 
while  heavy  things  all  over  the  ship  fell  and  crashed. 
The  sailors  did  such  noisy  work  that  we  could  not  lis- 
ten to  it  and  sleep.  The  night  was  long  and  dreary. 
Finally  at  daybreak  the  machinery  suddenly  stopped 
working,  allowing  the  ship  to  drift  before  the  wind, 
but  the  sailors  made  more  noise  than  ever,  replacing 
broken  bolts  and  tying  the  shaky  rudder  on  with  ropes. 
I  knew  that  the  boat  was  drifting  and  said,  "Let  her 
drift.  Let  her  go  down.  Let  us  have  peace/'  I 
thought  that  I  might  as  well  die  in  bed  as  to  get  up 
and  die  with  my  boots  on.  I  might  as  well  lie  there 
comfortably  and  die  from  taking  too  much  water  as  to 
get  up  and  drink  California  sherry,  and  have  my  head 
cracked  against  the  bunks  and  washstand  beforehand, 
or  against  the  walls  of  the  narrow  passageways.  I 
might  as  well  be  a  good-looking  corpse  as  a  mutilated 
one.  I  was  less  helpless  in  bed  than  out  of  it.  In  bed 
I  could  die  with  majesty,  the  majesty  of  calmness. 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE  323 

Besides,  it  was  rainy  and  cold  outside,  and  although 
my  bed  was  a  hard  rolling-place,  I  dreaded  the  diffi- 
cult dressing,  the  dreary  standing  about  all  day  in  the 
cold,  the  holding  on,  and,  above  all,  the  dizziness  and 
distress  that  belonged  to  keeping  the  head  up.  So  I 
remained  in  bed  and  took  my  chances. 

The  slamming,  hammering,  clinking  and  shaking 
of  the  screw  all  stopped  at  last,  which  gave  a  certain 
kind  of  relief  and  enabled  me  to  hear  what  was  going 
on  in  the  corridors  and  adjoining  staterooms.  Ap- 
parently some  of  the  others  were  trying  to  get  up  and 
out  into  the  rain  and  cold.  I  suppose  that,  like  eating, 
the  habit  of  getting  up  in  the  morning  had  grown  on 
them  and  that  they  could  not  rest  until  they  had  done 
it.  The  first  thing  I  heard  was  a  feminine  voice  say- 
ing: 

"How  bad  the  air  is  in  here ! — If  I  could  only  get  up 
on  deck! — Doctor  Senn,  are  you  anywhere?  If  you 
are,  will  you  please  bring  me  some  iced  sherry? — If 
I  only  had  something  on  my  stomach  it  wouldn't  make 
me  feel  so  sick.  I'm  so  faint.  I  wish  I  had  an  egg- 
nog." 

Soon  afterward  I  heard  Doctor  Newman  call  out  in 
a  sonorous,  unnecessarily  cheerful  voice  at  the  other 
end  of  the  hallway. 

"Why,  good  morning,  Doctor!  How  do  you  feel 
this  morning?" 

A  man's  voice  answered: 

"First  rate,  thank  you.    Did  you  rest  well?" 

"Slept  like  a  top.  Only  woke  up  once  when  I 
rolled  out  of  bed  upon  an  overturned  stool  and  struck 
my  head.  Let's  go  and  have  our  coffee." 


324 


BACK 


"No,  thank  you;  I'm  not  going  to  take  anything 
this  morning." 

"Why  not?"  said  Newman.  "Why,  I  wouldn't  miss 
my  coffee  and  strawberry  jam  for  the  world.  Come 
along;  it  will  ballast  you  and  keep  you  from  being 
light-headed." 

"No;  I'm  not  hungry.  You  can  have  my  share  of 
rattan  coffee  and  strawjuice  jam  this  morning.  I 
never  eat  without  an  appetite." 

"Nor  I,"  answered  Newman,  "but  I  always  eat.  It 
doesn't  matter  what  you  eat;  it's  how  it  tastes.  I 
have  an  empty  place  inside  of  me  the  size  of  the  Unit- 
ed States.  This  constant  motion  of  the  ship  doesn't 
give  your  appetite  any  rest.  See  you  later.  Wish  you'd 
come." 

Pretty  soon  some  one  came  stumbling  along  the 
narrow  passageway  and  exclaimed  as  he  struck  his 
head  or  something  against  a  partition: 

"Ouch !  What  to  —11  did  I  get  out  of  that  infernal 
bed  for?  I  wish  the  Lord  had  made  the  waves  some 
other  shape.  I'd  rather  get  out  and  walk  home  than 
ride  up  every  denied  single  wave  in  the  ocean  and 
then  slide  back  again.  I  always  supposed  that  a  boat 
went  forward  instead  of  upward  and  downward  and 
sideways.  Confound  the  boat! — I  wish  'twould  go 
to  the  bottom.  Twould  serve  the  miserly  Fruit  Com- 
pany right  for  putting  people  in  such  a  drifting  rat- 
trap.  I  wish  I  were  home.  Home  is  good  enough 
for  me.  Whoo-oop!" 

This  periodic  whooping  reminded  me  how  undigni- 
fied people  will  act  in  the  most  conspicuous  places  and 


FROM  BAD  TO  WORSE  325 

inopportune  moments,  and  how  often  such  unseemly 
actions  become  contagious  and  spread  like  laughter. 

The  man  had  evidently  rushed  or  staggered  out  to  the 
outer  door  as  he  uttered  the  last  whoop.  After 
a  short  session  of  silent  thought,  I  heard  him  walk 
back  to  his  stateroom  mumbling  between  his  teeth : 

"The  yellow  fever  is  bad  enough,  but  seasickness 
is  a  deuced  sight  worse.  The  next  time  I  want  to  see 
a  canal  I'll  look  at  the  Chicago  Drainage  Canal.  When 
I  want  a  change  of  climate  I'll  stay  in  Chicago  where 
it's  always  changing,  and  where  it  sometimes  changes 
for  the  better." 

I  took  an  ounce  of  dry  sherry  at  nine-thirty  and 
again  at  ten,  and  soon  after  arose  to  give  my  bones 
a  needed  rest.  After  some  shivering  from  the  unac- 
customed cold,  some  unintentional  collisions  and  gy- 
rations about  the  room,  and  some  expressions  of  opin- 
ion about  the  luxury  and  healthfulness  of  sea  voyages, 
followed  now  and  then  by  a  short  recess  in  my  bunk 
in  order  to  press  my  bruised  scalp  into  shape  and  allow 
the  whirl  in  my  head  to  subside,  I  succeeded  at  last 
in  getting  my  winter  flannels  and  heavy  suit  out  of 
my  trunk  and  on  me.  As  the  result  of  the  night's 
wakefulness  and  the  morning's  exercise  of  bracing 
and  holding  on  while  dressing,  I  actually  felt  a  desire 
to  eat,  and  resolved  to  do  it  before  I  changed  my 
mind. 

There  were  not  many  at  table,  for  most  of  those  who 
had  arisen  early  had  already  changed  their  mind.  As 
I  couldn't  conceive  of  anything  worse  than  going  back 
to  my  cabin,  I  lay  down  on  the  cushioned  benches 


326  BACK. 

along  the  wall  of  the  dining-room  and  gained  some 
of  the  rest  I  had  lost  during  the  noisy  night.  We  were 
going  ahead  again  but  only  at  the  rate  of  seven  knots 
an  hour,  were  already  nearly  twenty-four  hours  be- 
hind our  schedule  time,  and  were  likely  to  lose  an- 
other twenty-four  before  reaching  New  Orleans.  To 
try  to  go  faster  would  have  put  us  in  danger  of  break- 
ing the  screw  propeller,  of  losing  our  loose  rudder 
and  of  cracking  open  at  the  part  of  our  shell  that  had 
struck  on  the  reef.  In  fact,  we  had  been  voyaging 
under  conditions  that  according  to  natural  laws  and 
insurance  statistics  should  have  resulted  in  a  wreck, 
and  were  content  to  be  careful.  Better  two  more  days 
of  comparative  purgatory  than  to  take  up  hastily  and 
without  preparation  a  longer  residence  in  some  more 
uncertain  place. 


CHAPTER  V 

The  Didactics  of  Seasickness 

Breaking  the  Sabbath — Giving  up — Humiliation — Beef  Tea 
Versus  Coffee — A  Disappointed  Engineer — English  with- 
out Grammar — The  Lecture — Pathology — She-sickness 
— A  Rebuke — Symptoms — A  Homoeopathic  Cure — The 
Passive  Treatment — A  Reproach — Conclusions — A  Sug- 
gestion and  a  Vote  of  Thanks. 

During  the  first  day  of  the  "norther"  both  the  ship 
and  myself  came  through  without  any  but  threatened 
accidents,  although  neither  of  us  was  seaworthy.  The 
next  morning,  however,  my  stomach  broke  the  Sab- 
bath and  my  pride  had  a  fall.  To  arise  early  on  Sun- 
day is  a  bad  habit ;  we  are  commanded  to  make  Sunday 
a  day  of  rest,  I  ought  to  have  known  better. 

I  arose  in  time  for  "coffee"  and  found  the  "norther" 
breaking  the  Sabbath,  but  did  not  take  the  hint.  I 
stumbled  out  of  bed  and  was  precipitated  across  the 
stateroom,  balancing  and  plunging  from  door  to  wash- 
stand  and  from  bunk  to  trunk.  I  got  one  foot  in  my 
trousers  and  fell  over,  tried  it  again  and  sat  down 
on  the  floor,  holding  on  with  my  right  hand  while 
I  pulled  up  my  left  suspender,  and  vice  versa.  Sud- 
denly my  stomach  felt  as  if  it  were  going  to  break, 
as  the  Germans  say.  I  quickly  ducked  my  head  and 
allowed  myself  to  be  thrown  into  my  bunk,  and  called 

327 


328  BACK 

up  Christian  Science,  as  I  had  successfully  done  the 
day  before.  But  it  was  Sunday  and  she  wouldn't 
work.  It  would  have  been  a  feather  in  Doctor  Brow- 
er's  hat  to  have  caught  me.  But  he  probably  was  too 
busy  himself  to  be  out  hunting  for  feathers.  After 
a  short  rest  I  took  some  sherry,  which  is  not  a  calen- 
dar saint,  and  it  worked,  for  in  half  an  hour  I  was 
able  to  finish  my  toilet  and  go  to  the  dining-room  and 
publicly  drink  a  cupful  of  beef  tea.  The  ship  coffee 
did  not  tempt  me,  which  was  a  point  in  its  favor.  In- 
deed, if  all  coffee  were  poor  it  would  be  better — it 
would  have  less  opportunity  to  do  harm  in  the  world. 

I  lay  around  in  the  dining-room  after  a  light  break- 
fast and  listened  to  instructive  talks  about  yellow 
fever,  leprosy,  etc.,  but  was  particularly  interested 
and  enlightened  by  a  non-professional  Western  gen- 
tleman who  had  gone  to  Panama  in  search  of  a  job; 
one  of  those  travelers  who,  like  Walter  Raleigh,  had 
never  eaten  with  a  fork.  He  claimed  to  be  an  ex- 
perienced engineer  (whether  civil  or  locomotive,  he 
did  not  say)  who  had  not  been  able  to  procure  any 
kind  of  work  there  with  a  larger  salary  than  thirty 
dollars  a  month,  although  Wallace  was  drawing  much 
more  than  that.  Hence  he  had  kicked  some  of  the 
mud  off  his  feet  and  was  on  his  way  back  to  "God's 
earth."  He  could  not  praise  De  Lesseps  and  the 
French  enough.  The  French  employed  white  men 
and  paid  them  like  gentlemen. 

But  the  most  interesting  part  of  his  long  and  loud 
conversation  was  the  illustration  it  afforded  of  how 
the  English  language  can  be  used  to  express  vividly 


THE  DIDACTICS  OF  SEASICKNESS          329 

and  intelligibly  all  sorts  of  sentiments  for  hours  at  a 
stretch  without  conforming  to  a  single  rule  of  gram- 
mar. It  was  a  most  complete  triumph  of  synesis  over 
syntax,  of  eloquence  over  elegance.  How  he  had 
learned  to  disregard  the  rules  of  grammar  so  uner- 
ringly was  marvelous.  The  unequivocal  force  and 
fluent  ferocity  of  his  expressions  afforded  a  striking 
compliment  to  our  self-made  language.  Foreigners 
think  that  the  English  language  has  no  grammar,  and 
it  was  the  mission  of  the  engineer  to  prove  that  it 
could  do  without  it.  He  expressed  himself  much  more 
clearly  and  impressively  than  a  large  proportion  of 
men  do  whose  speech  is  all  grammar.  He  said: 

"Them  French  was  cracker- jacks,  and  no  joke. 
They  wasn't  afeared  to  employ  white  men,  nohow; 
and  they  knowed  how  to  treat  'em.  The  Amerikins 
won't  employ  nobody  but  niggers  or  such  as  works  for 
niggers'  wages.  They'll  never  get  the  blamed  banana 
canal  digged  no  way.  They  ain't  nothin'  doin',  nor 
won't  be  while  them  fellers  is  bossin'  the  job,  and  it's 
up  to  you  and  I  to  show  'em  up.  A  man  kin  go  down 
there  and  work  until  he  pegs  out,  but  he  can't  get  no 
pay  fur  it — only  hell.  The  hull  business  ain't  got 
nuther  head  nor  tail,  it  needs  preorganization,  and 
that's  what  it  ain't  got.  As  to  Wallace,  him  and  me 
ain't  old  cronies,  but  we  know  each  other,  and  that's 
enough."  I  concluded  that  he  was  a  locomotive  engi- 
neer, a  loco  as  the  Spanish  would  call  him. 

As  it  was  Sunday  and  there  was  no  ordained 
preacher  aboard,  and  Doctor  Senn  wouldn't  preach, 
and  Doctor  Brower  couldn't  preach  while  the  wind 


330  BACK 

blew,  I  delivered  a  medical  lecture  on  seasickness,  be- 
lieving that  the  best  way  of  benefiting  them  morally 
was  by  material  instruction.  I  felt  that  I  could  speak 
from  experience,  and  that  there  were  those  about  me 
who  could  appreciate  from  experience.  We  could  at 
least  hold  an  experience  meeting.  I  began: 

"Seasickness  may  be  defined  as  an  uncertain  attitude 
followed  by  a  certain  act.  It  is  one  of  the  most  ancient 
and  orthodox  of  known  ailments.  The  Greeks  called 
it  nausea  or  boatsickness,  and  it  has  changed  neither 
in  name,  in  nature  nor  in  the  manner  of  manifesting 
itself.  It  is  thus  as  immutable  as  the  Catholic  religion, 
although  it  depends  upon  the  weather,  which,  during 
the  past  few  centuries,  has  undergone  many  changes, 
like  the  Protestant.  It  resembles  religion  in  that  it 
has  no  pathology ;  it  resembles  disease  in  that  it  makes 
people  sick.  It  depends  neither  upon  germs  nor  upon 
imagination  as  do  the  modern  orthodox  ailments." 

At  this  there  was  a  murmur  of  dissent  and  slight 
temporary  inattention.  Raising  my  voice,  therefore, 
like  a  lawyer,  I  proceeded: 

"To  illustrate:  When  a  woman  has  hysteria  she 
wishes  you  to  treat  her,  and  not  the  disease;  but  when 
she  is  seasick,  she  wishes  you  to  treat  the  disease,  and 
let  her  alone." 

Doctor  Morrow,  the  tall,  lardaceous,  disgustingly 
healthy  and  handsome-looking  young  doctor  from 
California,  who  could  laugh  more  eloquently  than  he 
could  talk,  interrupted  me  and  wanted  to  know  if  it 
wasn't  ,y/i£-sickness  that  I  referred  to. 

"No,  sir,"  I  said,  "I  refer  to  seasickness.    Seasick- 


THE  DIDACTICS  OF  SEASICKNESS          331. 

ness  does  not  wear  off  during  the  daytime  and  does 
not  depend  upon  conditions  within,  but  on  conditions 
without  the  body.  In  order  that  seasickness  or  Greek 
nausea  may  exist  there  must  be  a  boat  and  a  breeze — 
a  zephyr,  as  the  Greeks  called  it.  Tis  interesting  to 
note  that  the  discovery  by  the  Greeks  that  the  disease 
was  a  boat-sickness,  or  disease  of  the  boat,  led  them 
to  personify  the  boat.  And  this  is  why  a  boat  is  called 
she  instead  of  it.  The  word  nausea  originally  had  an 
h  in  it,  and  was  spelled  nau-she-a." 

"Then  the  Greeks  did  consider  it  a  she-sickness," 
butted  in  Doctor  Morrow,  who  was  still  harping  on 
women — a  man  of  one  idea. 

"Doctor  Morrow,  you  have  yet  to  learn  the  silence 
of  medicine,  which,  in  practice,  is  as  important  as  the 
science.  And  as  for  the  art,  the  Greeks  would  have 
made  a  statue  of  Hercules  out  of  you,  and  would  have 
given  you  muscle  in  place  of  fat,  form  in  place  of 
speech,  poise  instead  of  avoirdupois.  A  want  of  si- 
lence is  often  more  meaningless  than  a  want  of  speech. 
The  disease  could  not  have  been  j/&£-sickness,  although 
if  you  insist  on  gender,  you  might  call  it  her-sickness 
since  the  disease  can  be  said  to  affect  her,  but  can  not 
be  said  to  affect  she.  Both  Greek  and  grammar  are 
against  it." 

He  was  silenced,  even  to  his  laugh. 

"The  symptoms  are  exaggerated  but  honorable 
hiccups,  a  persistent  but  harmless  disinclination  to  re- 
tain food,  and  an  indifference  to  danger  that  makes 
one  willing  to  be  thrown  overboard  without  having 
the  courage  or  energy  to  insist  upon  being  thrown. 


332  BACK 

"The  treatment  is  always  successful,  for  the  pa- 
tients all  get  well.  As  an  illustration  of  how  a  com- 
plete cure  may  thus  be  effected  I  will  relate  the  case  of 
a  confessed  homoeopath  who,  I  am  ashamed  to  say, 
crossed  the  Atlantic  in  the  same  boat  in  which  I  did. 
He  prescribed  for  himself  pure  water  taken  accord- 
ing to  homoeopathic  'dilution/  viz.,  ten  drops  of  water 
in  a  tumblerful  of  whiskey,  two  tablespoonfuls  to  be 
taken  every  half  hour  or  two  while  awake.  And  he 
continued  thus  taking  water  until  we  arrived  at  our 
destination.  I  met  him  three  days  after,  and  asked  him 
if  he  had  been  seasick.  He  said  that  he  had  felt  bad 
since  leaving  the  boat,  but  couldn't  remember  having 
felt  sickness  of  any  kind  on  the  boat.  This  was  a 
perfect  remedy  in  his  case,  and  the  proper  one  for 
those  who  believe  in  homoeopathy." 

"Hear,  hear!"  "Y-o-u-reka !"  "Down  with  homoeop- 
athy," and  other  spontaneous  applause  greeted  me 
from  all  sides,  and  encouraged  me  to  continue  talking. 

"But  there  is  another  class  of  cases  and  another  kind 
of  treatment,  viz.,  the  passive  or  starvation  treatment, 
which  is  homoeopathy  carried  to  its  true  and  logical 
end  and  aim. 

"It  consists  in  going  to  bed  and  eating  nothing  and 
drinking  water  from  a  teaspoon  until  the  boat  has 
given  up  plunging,  or  arrives  at  its  destination.  If 
the  patient  is  still  able  to  do  so  he  then  arises  and  as- 
sumes the  activities  and  indulgences  of  life,  and  tem- 
porarily recovers.  This  is  the  fat  man's  remedy.  His 
stomach  is  relieved  of  its  fat  and  of  its  fullness.  It 
gives  him  the  prolonged  fast  that  his  burdened  sys- 


THE  DIDACTICS  OF  SEASICKNESS          333 

tern  needs  and  which  he  has  not  the  self-denial  and 
fortitude  to  take  on  shore.  It  constitutes  the  benefit 
of  a  sea  voyage  upon  his  health,  and  is  the  only  obe- 
sity cure  worthy  of  trial,  except  the  one  employed  by 
Panama  cabdrivers  upon  their  horses. 

"We  have  an  illustration  of  the  efficacy  of  the  passive 
treatment  in  Doctor  Frank.  He  stays  in  bed  and  rests 
his  stomach.  He  neither  eats  nor  drinks,  yet  not  one 
of  you  is  improving  in  health  as  he  is.  It  is  the  repu- 
diation of  our  food  and  the  ridicule  of  our  remedies, 
since  the  patient  has  nothing  to  do  but  not  to  eat  and 
drink.  If  his  patients  knew  of  this  and  had  common 
sense  instead  of  blind  faith,  Doctor  Frank  would  not 
have  to  go  to  sea  to  starve.  Our  patients  should 
therefore  know  what  we  do,  but  not  what  we  do  not  do. 
For  a  lot  of  doctors  to  embark  in  a  boat  and  have 
everything  their  own  way,  and  learn  nothing  and  do 
nothing  about  boat-sickness,  except  to  get  it,  is  a 
reproach  to  our  profession.  You  talk  knowingly,  but 
you  must  remember  that  boat-sickness  is  not  a  mere 
postprandial-ephemera.  You  ought  to  know  that  one 
should  not  only  fast  on  board  but  also  on  land  before 
boarding.  How  not  to  eat  is  an  oriental  delicacy " 

Here  I  was  interrupted  with  such  long-continued 
applause  and  discussion  and  such  frivolous  interroga- 
tions that  I  concluded  that  they  were  unfit  to  be  re- 
formed, and  did  not  wish  to  learn  how  not  to  eat.  How 
not  to  eat  is  one  of  the  lost  arts.  In  keeping  with  the 
development  of  the  culinary  art,  man's  longevity  has 
diminished  in  6,000  years  from  969  down  to  70  years, 
and  his  teeth  and  appendix  have  been  steadily  dwin- 


334  BACK 

dling  and  will  soon  fall  out.  In  a  few  thousand  more 
years  another  zero  will  be  dropped  from  his  age  and 
the  world  will  contain  babes  only.  But  as  my  audi- 
ence was  unprepared  for  such  a  revelation,  I  closed 
with  the  following  short  summary  of  my  views : 

"Therefore,  seasickness  is  not  a  disease  to  be  avoid- 
ed, but  a  remedy  to  be  taken.  You  have  much  to  learn, 
but  much  more  to  unlearn  before  you  can  tell  the 
world  anything  about  it.  You  must  become  as  babes, 
and  be  unborn  and  born  again  before  you  can  unlearn 
and  learn  again." 

"Every  man  to  his  berth/'  shouted  Morrow,  who 
was  entirely  devoid  of  a  sense  of  humor.  He  regard- 
ed my  lecture  as  a  joke. 

A  vote  of  thanks  was  passed  with  the  request  that, 
if  I  should  talk  again,  I  take  up  the  subject  she-sick- 
ness, which  they  considered  more  interesting  and  more 
in  my  line.  They  were  still  harping  on  women,  and  I 
resolved  to  cast  no  more  pearls,  remembering  that  all 
big  D's  do  not  stand  for  doctor. 


CHAPTER  VI 

The  Last  Day  at  Sea  and  the  First  on  Land 

A  Bad  Headache  and  a  Bitter  Dose — A  Poem — The  Singing 
Cherubs — A  Sign  of  Fair  Weather — Promised  Feasting — 
Eating  Oneself  into  Premature  Old  Age,  and  Starving 
into  a  Ripe  Old  Age — A  Delicate  Question — A  Business 
Meeting — Drawing  up  Resolutions  to  Exonerate  the 
Captain — The  Eads  and  Jetties — An  Enjoyable  Toilet — 
A  Hook  Apiece — The  Penalty  of  Early  Rising — A  Cold 
Day — Discovery  of  the  Preston — Unfavorable  Compari- 
son— New  Orleans  and  Oysters — Absinthe — A  Fraudu- 
lent Automobile  Ride — Advice  to  Young  Men — A  Cor- 
rected Advertisement — The  French  Quarter  and  Legend- 
ary New  Orleans 

The  next  morning  was  Monday,  our  last  day  on  the 
"ocean  wave"  and  "rolling  deep,"  with  all  its  poetry 
and  pantomime.  We  were  due  at  New  Orleans  Tues- 
day forenoon  and  were  happy  in  anticipation  of  soon 
being  back  on  prosaic  land  again. 

When  I  awoke  I  knew  that  the  "norther"  was  weak- 
ening, for  the  motion  of  the  boat  was  quite  consistent 
with  an  elaborate  toilet,  and  produced  no  uncomforta- 
ble sensations.  In  fact,  the  cool,  invigorating  United 
States  air  made  all  of  us  feel  lively  and  disposed  us 
to  object  to  coffee  and  jam  sandwiches  as  a  substi- 
tute for  something  to  eat. 

Everybody  was  well  and  on  deck  except  Doctor 
335 


336  BACK 

Waite,  who  had  a  headache.  When  I  had  about  com- 
pleted my  elaborate  toilet  (which  consisted  not  of  any 
extra  finery,  but  rather  of  an  elaboration  and  delib- 
eration in  the  adjustment  of  the  same  old  weather- 
worn and  salted-down  garments),  I  opened  my  state- 
room door  just  in  time  to  be  in  at  the  finish  of  an  in- 
teresting sick  headache.  Doctor  Waite  had  sent  for 
Doctor  Hughes,  one  of  those  prescribing  neurologists 
who  place  their  confidence  in  medicine  rather  than  in 
their  Maker,  who  pursue  their  cases  to  death,  and 
dose  them  until  they  die.  He  wore  a  gentle,  white- 
haired,  sugar-cure  expression  on  his  face,  and  suggest- 
ed an  overflowing  fountain  of  professional  kindness  in 
the  tones  of  his  voice.  But  he  was  giving  her  one  of 
those  old-fashioned  bitter  draughts  such  as  only  neurol- 
ogists know  how  to  compound — not  harmful  but  worse, 
and  which  depend  largely  upon  their  taste  to  cure 
the  patient  of  all  further  desire  for  diseases  or  drugs. 
She,  womanlike,  swallowed  the  dose  as  if  it  had  been 
the  gospel.  It  was  hardly  down,  however,  before  it 
returned  as  if  from  a  volcano,  and  threatening  to 
carry  away  the  crown  of  her  head.  She  was  frightened 
at  the  suddenness  and  intensity  of  the  paroxysm  and 
disgusted  by  the  terrible  taste,  or  she  would  have  no- 
ticed the  immediate  relief  that  followed.  In'  her  sud- 
den fright  she  exclaimed: 

"Oh,  Doctor,  you've  killed  me;  you've  killed  me. 
Ugh!  This  is  terrible." 

"Madam!"  said  Doctor  Hughes  in  his  soft  and 
gentle  way,  "you  misjudge  me.  I  may  be  a  killing 
man  but  I'm  not  a  killing  doctor.  Ahem !" 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  337 

Doctor  Waite  had  to  laugh  at  him;  and  her  head- 
ache passed  off.  She  expressed  a  determination, 
however,  not  to  have  another  until  she  was  safe  at 
home. 

At  the  breakfast  table  one  of  the  doctors,  whose 
identity  I  will  not  betray,  read  the  following  poem: 

Low  she  lay  with  aching  head, 

Mingling  moan  with  smothered  sigh. 

"Dose  her,"  all  the  doctors  said; 

"Dose  her,  Hughes,  or  she  will  die." 

Dosed  her  with  his  deadly  stuff 
Till  she  groaned,  "My  end  is  nigh." 

Then  the  doctors  said,  "Enough! 

Make  her  laugh,  Hughes,  or  she'll  cry." 

"I'm  a  killing  man,"  he  coughed, 

"But  no  killing  doctor — see?" 
She  forgot  the  dose,  and  laughed. 

She  was  cured,  and  */  was  he. 

Hughes-dee-dum  and  Hughes-dee-dee. 

We  had  hardly  finished  criticising  the  impropriety 
of  thus  making  public  the  privacy  of  the  sick-chamber 
when  we  were  startled  by  a  hilarious  hullabaloo  out- 
side, a  strident  inharmony  of  jubilant  vocal  sounds 
emulating  and  imitating  the  cadence  of  song.  We 
looked  toward  the  port-hole  windows,  and  there  stood 
Fasting  Frank  and  Heavenly  Hughes  leaning  on  their 
elbows  and  smiling  like  cherubs,  and  singing  popular 
songs  at.  the  top  of  their  voices.  I  blushed  at  the  un- 
dignity  of  it.  Doctors!  Professors!  Fathers!  I  felt 
embarrassed.  They  would  not  have  done  it  before  their 
22 


338  BACK 

families  and  patients.  But  I  was  glad  to  see  them, 
for  I  knew  that  if  Doctor  Frank  had  come  out  of  his 
hole  in  the  wall  fair  weather  and  a  calm  sea  had  come 
in  earnest.  The  greeting  we  gave  him  was  vocifer- 
ous and  as  undignified  as  his  behavior.  His  seasick- 
ness had  been  a  premeditated  means  of  increasing 
his  popularity  without  exerting  himself.  He  had  fast- 
ed himself  into  favor.  To  see  him  smile  like  a  child, 
and  then  howl  like  a  Dervish  after  a  five-days'  fast 
and  close  confinement,  made  us  regard  him  as  a  suf- 
fering hero  who  no  longer  suffered,  although  anyone 
who  couldn't  eat  could  do  the  same. 

We  persuaded  him  to  come  in  to  "coffee,"  although 
he  declared  that  it  was  against  his  principles  to  eat  or 
drink  at  sea.  He  wasn't  ready  to  be  tempted  yet. 

"Tut,  tut!"  I  said,  "A  cup  of  coffee  and  half  a  roll 
can  not  upset  you,  now  that  the  storm  is  over." 

"Half  a  roll,  man !"  he  cried.  "Do  you  know  what 
it  is  to  eat  half  a  roll  after  a  five-days'  fast?  Half  a 
roll!  Do  you  know  how  good  it  feels  to  fill  up  a 
complete  and  perfect  vacuum  in  you  when  you  get 
started  ?  Do  you  know  how  good  it  feels  to  have  your 
stomach  full  of  solid  greasy  food  after  it  has  been 
digesting  itself  for  a  week?" 

"Do  I  know?"  said  I.  "It  is  the  man  who  denies 
himself  that  knows  the  joys  of  indulgence.  To  habit- 
ually suffer  from  prolonged  and  painful  hunger  before 
each  meal,  and  always  stop  when  you  have  taken  a 
few  mouthfuls  and  your  appetite  is  at  its  fiery  zenith, 
is  the  best  training  for  the  mad  enjoyment  of  a  full 
and  filling  meal  that  I  know  of;  and  I  know  of  it. 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  339 

You  are  young  yet.  Wait  until  you  get  the  gout  and 
you'll  be  thankful  for  half  a  roll.  You're  not  rich 
enough  to  appreciate  half  of  a  dry  roll.  Your  time  is 
coming." 

"Why,  you're  just  the  man  I  am  seeking,"  he  ex- 
claimed. "I  am  hunting  for  a  fellow  who  is  as  starved 
as  I  am  and  as  you  look.  When  we  get  to  New  Or- 
leans to-morrow  morning,  we  will  have  an  oyster 
supper,  postponed  from  to-night;  at  noon  we'll  have 
an  oyster  supper  for  lunch,  and  before  we  take  the 
night  train  to  Chicago  we  will  have  another  oyster 
supper.  Just  think  of  it,  if  we  were  not  thirty-six 
hours  late  we  would  have  the  three  suppers  in  us 
now." 

"Doctor  Frank,"  I  said,  "you  are  going  to  make 
yourself  sick  in  earnest,  for  on  land  you  will  not  have 
seasickness  to  cure  and  curb  you  of  your  overeating. 
I  will  eat  these  three  suppers  with  you  and  get  my 
stomach  full  for  once — and  then  swear  off  forever." 

Here  Doctor  Morrow  interrupted  me.  "Full  for 
once?  Full  forever,  you  mean!  You  have  only  been 
full  once  since  we  left  Bocas — you  have  kept  at  that 
sherry  between  meals  and  claret  at  meals " 

"Doctor  Morrow,  I  refer  to  food — food  only.  On 
dry  land  I  drink  neither  sherry  nor  claret,  only  water 
at  different  temperatures  and  dilutions.  I  am  glad 
to  say  that  I  am  not  as  you  are.  I  do  not  intend  to 
harden  my  arteries  and  bring  on  premature  arterio- 
sclerosis by  overeating.  You  eat  twice  as  much  as 
you  ought  to  eat  every  day  of  your  life,  except  when 
you  are  'off  your  food/  as  the  result  of  it,  and  when 


340  BACK 

nature  evens  up  by  forcing  you  to  fast.  I  intend  to 
curb  my  appetite.  To  make  use  of  a  paradox,  I  might 
say  that  I  am  going  to  starve  myself  to  a  good  old 
age." 

"You've  done  it  already." 

"Look  here,  Morrow,  you're  a  great  man,  thanks 
to  your  appetite.  But  beware !  A  man  is  also  as  old  as 
his  appetite  makes  him.  You'll  die  of  old  age  by  the 
time  you  are  forty.  If  I  had  your  appetite  I'd  have 
been  dead  ten  years  ago.  You  are  the  most  unprom- 
ising insurance  risk  here  except  Doctor  Newman,  who 
was  never  made  to  be  an  old  man  and  knows  it,  and 
who  can  thus  eat  himself  to  death  with  impunity. 
There  is  hope  for  the  others.  Doctor  Frank  fasts 
occasionally,  and  thus  postpones  the  day  of  reckon- 
ing. Doctor  Senn  is  smoked  through  and  through, 
and  smoked  bodies  undergo  no  farther  change  or  de- 
cay. Doctor  Brower  is  water-soaked,  and  water- 
soaked  timber  sometimes  lasts  a  long  time.  Doctor 
Hughes  and  I  are  drying  up,  and  when  we  are  thor- 
oughly dried  we  will  last  longer  than  any  of  you." 

"How  about  me  ?"  asked  Doctor  Waite. 

"I  cannot  pass  upon  your  case,  for  the  nour- 
ishing and  keeping  qualities  of  eggs  are  uncertain. 
In  a  cold  climate  you  might  live  quite  a  long  time." 

While  I  was  talking,  all  had  left  the  dining-room 
except  Doctor  Waite,  who  arose  to  follow  them.  I 
knew  that  she  was  exceedingly  conscientious  and 
truthful,  and  I  determined  to  ask  her  a  question  about 
a  matter  which  was  troubling  my  conscience. 

"Doctor  Waite,  you  have  asked  me  a  question ;  may 
I  ask  you  an  equally  important  one  in  return  ?" 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  341 

"Why,  certainly,  Doctor,  and  I  shall  try  and  be  as 
frank  as  you  were  when  I  asked  mine." 

"I  merely  wish  to  ask  you  if  you  have  noticed 
anything  wrong  about  me?" 

She  said  she  had  noticed  that  I  had  been  in  a  crit- 
ical state  of  mind  ever  since  we  left  Colon. 

"In  a  critical  state?  Is  that  so?  Am  I  as  bad  off 
as  that?" 

"You  have  raked  us  over  the  coals  pretty  badly." 

"Is  that  so  ?  I  often  do  things  badly.  I'll  try  and  do 
it  better  hereafter.  But  have  I  been  acting  out  of 
the  ordinary?  Has  my  articulation  been  distinct?  I 
sometimes  talk  without  listening  to  myself,  and " 

"And  so  do  not  always  know  what  you  are  saying," 
she  said  with  a  little  laugh.  "Well,  if  I  must  speak 
out  I  should  say  that  you  are  talking  somewhat  unin- 
telligibly now.  I  hadn't  paid  enough  attention  before 
to  notice  it." 

"Well,  I  feel  very  much  obliged  to  you  for  not 
noticing  it.  There  is  no  harm  in  talking  unintelli- 
gibly when  you  are  not  noticed.  I  wish  I  knew  wheth- 
er I  have  been  enjoying  myself  or  not.  Having  a  good 
time  is  much  more  unsatisfactory  when  you  don't  know 
it.  At  home  I  have  a  good  time  working  hard,  but  I 
know  it;  on  this  voyage  I  have  worked  much  harder 
at  having  a  good  time,  and  didn't  know  I  had  it.  At 
home  I  shall  work  off  this  tired  feeling.  In  fact,  I 
should  have  explained  before " 

"Never  explain  anything  to  a  woman,  Doctor.  Ex- 
planations and  arguments  never  convince  us.  We  are 
apt  to  take  them  as  jokes  to  be  laughed  at." 


342  BACK 

"Well,  women  are  right.  They  laugh  much  more 
effectually  than  they  reason.  To  laugh  at  us  is  one  of 
woman's  rights.  And  we  laugh  with  them  to  show 
that  we  approve  of  woman's  rights.  But  I  merely 
wanted  to  get  an  honest  professional  opinion,  and 
didn't  know  how.  They  are  so  hard  to  find.  I  have 
been  calculating  how  much  alcoholic  liquor  I  have 
consumed  since  landing  at  Colon  a  little  over  two 
weeks  ago.  I  have  drunk  half  a  pint  of  whiskey,  two 
quart  bottles  of  beer,  three  quart  bottles  of  wine  and 
a  quart  of  soft  drinks.  Think  of  the  mixture !  I  have 
kept  on  drinking  regularly  and  have  not,  to  my  knowl- 
edge, been  intoxicated.  I  have  felt  well  during  the 
whole  time  until  now,  but  now  I'm  beginning  to  feel 
bad.  What  I  want  to  know  is  whether  I  have  been 
irresponsible  during  the  whole  time  and  am  just  be- 
ginning to  clear  up,  or  whether  I  have  been  sober  the 
whole  of  the  time  and  am  just  beginning  to  feel  the 
effects  of  all  I  have  taken." 

She  again  laughed  three  or  four  notes  as  she  an- 
swered : 

"Well,  there  has  certainly  been  something  unusual 
about  you,  but  whether  it  was  due  to  the  disturbance 
of  the  liquid  in  the  sea  or  in  the  bottles  I  will  not  at- 
tempt to  decide.  In  the  first  place,  I  never  saw  you 
so  critical  in  Chicago  as  you  have  been  on  board.  In 
the  second  place,  you  have  been  offering  and  recom- 
mending wine  to  ladies,  which  you  never  do  in  Chi- 
cago. In  the  third  place,  you  have  criticised  my  eat- 
ing, which  no  other  gentleman  has  done." 

"Thank  you,"  I  said.    "I'll  do  it  as  a  doctor  here- 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  343 

after,  not  as  a  gentleman.  As  a  return  favor  I  will 
ask  of  you  not  to  speak  of  my  condition  to  any  one  in 
Chicago.  I  suppose  the  delegates  all  know  of  it.  But 
I'll  shut  their  mouths;  I'll  treat  them  in  New  Or- 
leans, etc." 

"But,  Doctor,  they  would  refuse  to  take  treatment. 
They  will  not  be  sick  on  dry  land.  Sherry  will  be  su- 
perfluous there." 

She  finally  got  away  from  me  and  my  questions, 
and  went  to  prepare  egg-nogs  for  the  convalescing 
ladies.  She  beats  the  world  making  egg-nogs — for 
ladies.  Men  don't  like  them. 

Later  we  held  a  business  meeting  of  the  passengers 
in  the  dining-room  in  order  to  give  substantial  ex- 
pression of  our  gratitude  to  the  gentlemanly  crew  of 
the  S.  S.  Brighton  for  our  rescue  from  the  reefs  in 
the  lagoon  of  Chiriqui  on  a  dark  and  rainy  night ;  also 
to  the  captain  who  had  so  successfully  stood  the  trial 
of  his  first  trip  as  a  commander  and  had  consulted 
the  heavens  so  diligently  for  us,  predicting  stormy 
weather  with  unerring  accuracy.  We  feared  that  the 
adventure  of  the  reefs  might  be  used  by  his  enemies 
and  the  United  Fruit  Company  as  an  excuse  for  de- 
priving him  of  his  command  of  the  smallest,  most 
rickety  and  most  sure-to-go-down  boat  of  the  line. 

We  also  took  up  a  subscription  which  netted  each 
man  of  the  crew  a  dollar  for  having  risked  his  life 
for  us  when  the  boat  struck  and  stuck  on  the  bottom 
where  it  really  belonged. 

We  then  drew  up  the  following  resolutions  in  honor 
of  the  captain,  to  be  presented  by  him  to  the  United 


344  BACK 

Fruit  Company.    We  made  them  strong  and  striking 
in  order  that  they  might  not  be  put  aside  unnoticed: 

"WHEREAS,  the  S.  S.  Brighton  did,  between  the  night 
of  Jan.  10  and  the  morning  of  Jan.  n,  1905,  come  to 
rest  on  a  reef  in  Chiriqui  Lagoon,  and  thus  imperil  the 
lives  of  her  passengers  and  the  reputation  of  her  cap- 
tain; 

"WHEREAS,  the  S.  S.  Brighton  was  not  made  for 
man  but  for  bananas; 

"WHEREAS,  in  a  time  of  danger,  when  the  moon  and 
stars  failed  and  darkness  prevailed,  when  the  pas- 
sengers were  suffering  from  the  fear  of  death  and  the 
feeling  of  nausea,  the  captain  was  cool  and  collected 
and  waited  in  patience  until  the  sun  arose  and  the  cock 
crew  and  the  ship  forced  its  way  backward  into  deep 
water ; 

"WHEREAS,  we  deliberately  and  of  our  own  free 
will,  chose  the  said  Brighton,  and  were  thus  respon- 
sible for  our  mistake,  and  the  company  of  its  own 
free  will  chose  the  captain  and  is  thus  responsible  for 
his  mistakes; 

"WHEREAS,  we  should  not  have  been  caught  out  at 
night  in  the  absence  of  the  heavenly  bodies,  or  of  the 
phosphorescence  of  the  waves,  or  of  the  fireflies  of 
the  beach  to  indicate  to  the  negro  pilot  where  we  were 
at; 

"THEREFORE,  be  it  resolved  that  we,  the  benighted 
and  bereeft  passengers  of  the  S.  S.  Brighton,  do  hereby 
express  and  extend  our  thanks  to  the  captain  and  the 
ship  for  successfully  getting  us  off  the  bottom  and 
out  of  danger; 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  345 

"RESOLVED,  that  we  assume  the  blame  for  the  acci- 
dent in  that  we  added  weight  to  the  ship  and  worry  to 
the  captain; 

"RESOLVED,  that  we  promise  nevermore  to  put  this 
responsibility  upon  the  ship,  but  will  stay  at  home 
and  attend  to  our  own  affairs; 

"RESOLVED,  that  we  beg  clemency  and  favor  for  the 
gallant  captain,  and  that  he  be  given  a  pilot  who  can 
see  in  the  dark; 

"FINALLY,  we,  the  survivors  of  the  last  but  not 
least  eventful  voyage  of  the  S.  S.  Brighton,  do  peti- 
tion that  the  ship  be  enlarged  as  fast  as  possible,  that 
basins  be  attached  to  the  pillow-ends  of  the  bunks, 
that  the  allowance  of  wash  water  be  doubled,  that  the 
electric  lights  be  not  put  out  at  midnight,  that  evap- 
orated cream  be  provided  for  coffee  instead  of  con- 
densed milk,  and  that  bananas  and  bric-a-brac  here- 
after be  carried  to  the  exclusion  of  passengers. 

"Signed." 

There  was  a  prolonged  discussion  as  to  whether  we 
should  all  sign  these  resolutions  individually  or  wheth- 
er merely  the  president,  Doctor  Brower,  and  the  sec- 
retary of  the  meeting,  Doctor  Morrow,  should  sign 
officially.  The  secretary  was  finally  forced  to  sign 
them  alone. 

We  were  to  arrive  at  the  jetties  at  10  P.  M.  accord- 
ing to  the  captain's  consultations  with  the  heavenly 
bodies.  Now  if  the  captain  had  any  shortcomings  it 
was  not  a  lack  of  devotion  to  the  heavenly  bodies, 
which  he  consulted  frequently  and  fervently.  But  he 
never  succeeded  in  fixing  correctly  the  time  of  arrival 


346  BACK 

anywhere.  It  was  I  who  had  faith  in  the  heavenly 
bodies,  yet  never  consulted  them,  who  could  prophesy 
unerringly.  Whenever  the  captain  announced  the  time 
I  added  two  hours.  So  when  we  were  told  that  we 
would  arrive  at  the  jetties  at  10  P.  M.,  I  knew  that  we 
would  arrive  at  midnight. 

About  half  of  the  passengers  had  never  seen  the  jet- 
ties, for  on  their  trip  to  Panama  they  had  passed  out 
of  the  river  after  bedtime.  And  now  that  they  were 
to  enter  the  river  after  dark  they  were  inconsolable. 
Next  to  Panama  they  desired  to  see  the  jetties,  about 
which  they  had  heard  and  read  so  much.  They  asked 
all  sorts  of  questions  about  them;  what  jetties  meant, 
what  Eads  meant,  what  jetties  and  Eads  looked  like. 

The  sun  sank  in  Oriental  splendor  behind  his  green 
and  golden  bedcurtains  as  we  went  to  dinner,  and  the 
unfortunates  complained  of  the  sun  for  setting  before 
we  got  to  the  Eads  and  jetties.  They  blamed  the  cap- 
tain for  not  having  sailed  faster  during  the  storm 
in  order  to  arrive  before  sundown.  They  were  not 
content  with  having  escaped  the  dangers  of  the  reef, 
as  well  as  having  kept  the  rudder  and  saved  the  screw 
and  crew  during  the  storm.  With  them  the  jetties 
were  the  thing,  the  dangers  passed  were  nothing.  Who 
cares  for  dangers  that  are  passed?  They  wished  that 
they  had  waited  for  the  Preston,  or  that  the  Brighton 
would  anchor  outside  all  night. 

We  told  them  that  they  could  sit.  up  and  see  the 
lights,  and  so  could  tell  everybody  that  they  had  seen 
the  Eads  and  jetties. 

As  they  kept  on  asking  what  the  Eads  and  jetties 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  347 

looked  like,  they  received  various  answers.  Some  said 
they  looked  like  lighthouses  on  piers ;  others  that  they 
were  like  Greek  temples  covered  with  electric  lights; 
others  said  that  they  were  nude  figures  of  lions  bearing 
immense  candelabra  on  their  heads  and  electric  lights 
on  their  tails;  others  said  that  they  were  a  narrow 
channel  running  out  at  sea — mere  longitudinal  space. 
When  we  got  through  answering  them  they  were  dis- 
couraged, for  they  would  not  be  able  to  describe  the 
Eads  and  jetties  to  their  friends  at  home. 

They,  of  course,  took  the  captain's  word  that  we 
would  pass  the  jetties  at  10  P.  M.  and  paid  no  atten- 
tion to  my  assurance  that  we  would  pass  them  at  mid- 
night. At  ten  o'clock  they  were  gaping  and  shivering 
on  deck  like  tired  ghosts  on  a  moonless  night,  and 
wished  they  had  gone  to  bed.  By  eleven  it  was 
evident  that  I  had  told  them  the  truth  about  the 
time  of  passing  the  jetties,  so  they  placed  a  sentinel 
to  watch  the  Eads  and  jetties  and  report  what  he  saw, 
that  they  might  describe  them  to  their  friends. 

I  enjoyed  making  my  toilet  the  following  morning 
as  I  had  not  for  a  long  time.  To  be  able  to  stand  still 
and  stretch  both  arms  above  my  head  leisurely  and 
without  danger  of  falling;  to  be  able  to  gape  without 
having  a  tooth  knocked  loose  by  an  approaching  shelf 
or  edge  of  a  bunk;  to  be  able  to  get  the  right  foot  in 
the  right  trouser  leg  at  the  first  attempt;  to  be  able, 
while  washing,  to  stoop  down  without  a  head-on  dive ; 
to  find  both  shoes  on  the  same  side  of  the  room,  and 
my  clothes  hanging  on  the  nail  just  as  I  had  hung  them: 
these  were  luxuries  that  made  me  forget  my  previous 


348  BACK 

misery.  Reaction  from  misery  is,  after  all,  the  best 
substitute  for  happiness.  Real  happiness  is  too  rare 
and  impalpable,  and  is  enjoyed  in  the  past  and  future 
only. 

Doctor  Senn  and  I  each  had  one  hook  upon  which 
to  hang  our  overcoats,  heavy  suits,  belts,  hats  and 
the  garments  we  removed  at  night.  And  I  was  glad 
that  there  had  been  no  occupant  of  the  sofa  bunk  to 
share  these  two  hooks  with  us,  for  there  would  then 
have  been  no  alternative  but  to  throw  our  city  clothes 
overboard  where  they  would  have  been  better  pre- 
served. I  never  knew  to  how  much  use  one  hook  could 
be  put  until  we  tested  the  possibilities  on  the  Brighton ; 
nor  did  I  realize  the  condition  clothes  could  get  into 
from  hanging  in  a  bunch  upon  one  nail  for  a  week. 

At  "coffee"  I  found  the  whole  company.  Those  who 
had  sat  up  and  shivered  while  watching  for  the  "Eads" 
and  jetties  looked  hollow-eyed.  The  vigilants  had 
retired  at  eleven  o'clock,  but  had  lain  awake  a  long 
time  with  disappointment  and  cold  feet,  and  had  arisen 
early,  famished  and  unrefreshed,  and  had  shivered  and 
shifted  about  cold  corners  and  corridors  for  a  couple 
of  hours  waiting  for  lukewarm  coffee  and  jam  to  start 
the  depressed  circulation  through  their  congealed 
capillaries. 

Although  it  was  a  cold  January  day  and  ice  had 
formed  during  the  night,  the  river  looked  beautiful  in 
the  morning  sunlight  as  we  came  nearer  to  New  Or- 
leans. Doctor  Waite  was  even  more  enthusiastic  in 
her  appreciation  than  were  the  ladies  who  were  not 
doctors,  a  thing  which  I  could  not  understand.  I 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  349 

always  had  supposed  that  a  busy  surgical  life  would 
take  nearly  all  of  the  womanly  out  of  a  person.  I 
had  often  observed  such  an  effect  upon  others  as  well 
as  upon  myself. 

When  we  arrived  off  the  docks  of  the  United  Fruit 
Company  the  first  thing  we  noticed  was  the  S.  S. 
Preston,  the  large  boat  that  had  not  arrived  at  Colon 
when  we  left,  and  for  which  we  did  not  wait  because 
we  wanted  to  save  time  and  avoid  the  crowd.  We 
expected  the  delegates  to  return  in  it  en  masse  and 
crowd  it  until  it  would  become  more  uncomfortable 
than  the  smaller,  unpopular  boat,  the  Brighton,  that 
detestable  little,  breakdown  little,  slow  poke  of  a  rat- 
trap  which  no  one  was  supposed  to  take,  but  which 
nearly  every  one  did  take.  The  Preston  had  sailed  from 
Colon  two  days  later  than  the  Brighton  and  had  ar- 
rived at  New  Orleans  two  days  earlier.  On  a  sched- 
uled five-days'  trip  she  had  beaten  us  by  four  days. 
She  had  provided  a  stateroom  for  each  passenger  or 
married  couple,  had  not  struck  a  reef,  and  had  only 
broken  one  sailor's  leg — which  didn't  signify  as  Doc- 
tor Palmer  was  there  to  set  it  immediately.  She  had 
kept  her  screw  in  the  water  and  her  deck  out  of  the 
water,  and  thus  had  allowed  passengers  to  eat,  sleep 
and  wear  dry  clothes.  Some  of  us  felt  like  blowing 
up  the  Brighton  and  the  United  Fruit  Company,  one 
with  dynamite  and  the  other  with  damning  it. 

We  arrived  at  the  docks  in  time  for  me  to  take 
the  morning  train  for  Chicago  and  thus  escape  Doctor 
Frank  and  his  three  deadly  oyster  suppers.  But  the 
suspicions  of  Uncle  Sam  had  to  be  allayed,  and  before 


350  BACK 

we  had  signed  papers  and  suffered  the  -conventional 
derangement  of  our  baggage  and  bric-a-brac,  the 
train  had  gone  and  I  was  doomed  to  eat  oysters  and 
drink  gin  fizz  and  absinthe  with  a  starved  man.  It  is 
not  pleasant,  after  you  have  eaten  more  than  you  want, 
to  sit  half  an  hour  or  so  and  watch  a  starved  man  giv- 
ing way  to  the  eager  ecstasy  of  slowly  oncoming  re- 
pletion. It  seems  to  be  the  uppermost  desire  of  every 
one  upon  arriving  at  New  Orleans  to  eat  a  dish  of 
oysters.  In  fact,  it  is  remarkable  what  an  amount  of 
enjoyment  the  human  being  gets  out  of  what  it  puts 
into  its  stomach,  forgetting  that  an  organ  which  af- 
fords such  universal  and  almost  continuous  enjoy- 
ment deserves,  like  Hamlet's  "Players,"  to  be  well 
used. 

After  satisfying  our  curiosity  by  taking  a  silver 
fizz,  a  drink  which  had  made  a  reputation  for  a  cer- 
tain saloon  in  New  Orleans,  Doctors  Frank  and  New- 
man and  I  had  our  eleven  o'clock  breakfast  (the  post- 
poned oyster  supper)  at  a  French  restaurant  near  the 
St.  Charles.  I  myself  could  only  eat  half  a  dozen  of 
those  large  and  luscious  oysters,  but  I  will  not  de- 
stroy the  reader's  good  opinion,  if  he  have  one,  of 
my  comrades  by  telling  how  many  they  ate.  How- 
ever, we  finally  stopped  eating,  promising  ourselves 
other  oyster  meals  before  the  time  for  the  evening 
trains  to  depart,  and  went  to  a  saloon  in  the  French 
quarter  to  increase  our  knowledge  by  taking  a  drink 
of  the  absinthe  that  had  made  New  Orleans  and  this 
saloon  famous  for  twenty  years.  I  swallowed  my 
dose  and  pretended  that  it  was  good.  Absinthe  makes 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  351 

people  lie.  It  is  the  essence  of  seasickness  and  men- 
dacity, and  good  only  for  those  who,  like  horses,  can't 
get  sick  at  the  stomach  and  can't  tell  the  truth.  When 
I  have  an  enemy  I  will  treat  him  to  absinthe,  but  I 
will  not  drink  it  with  him.  Doctor  Frank  liked  it 
on  account  of  its  reputation,  just  as  his  patients  like 
him.  Doctor  Newman  looked  at  his  emptied  glass 
and  grunted,  then  rolled  his  head  solemnly  from  side 
to  side  and  opened  his  mouth  as  if  he  were  going  to 
say  something  important;  but  nothing  came  out. 

In  the  afternoon  after  all  hands  had  had  their  oys- 
ter lunches,  we  were  attracted  by  the  "sight-seeing 
auto"  standing  in  front  of  the  St.  Charles.  Circulars 
were  scattered  about,  advertising  "Two  delightful 
tours  daily  and  Sunday,  leaving  St.  Charles  Hotel 
daily  at  10  A.  M.  and  2  P.  M."  I  have  thought  it 
worth  while  to  print  a  copy  of  the  advertised  descrip- 
tion of  the  tour  in  order  to  show  the  reader  how 
quackery  flourishes  and  is  respected  in  business  life 
as  well  as  in  professional.  I  formerly  supposed  that 
the  medical,  legal  and  sporting  professions  were  the 
only  ones  which  could  successfully  impose  their  frauds 
upon  the  public,  but  I  am  now  hunting  for  the  only 
profession  or  business  that  does  not.  I  would  advise 
all  young  men  to  divide  the  business  public  into  two 
classes,  viz.,  enemies  and  friends.  The  former  will 
want  his  money  to  enrich  themselves  at  his  expense; 
the  latter  will  solicit  it  to  ruin  both  him  and  them- 
selves— but  him  at  any  rate.  Above  all  he  should  be- 
ware of  the  latter,  that  his  money  may  not  ruin  both. 


35* 


BACK 


DESCRIPTION  OF  TOUR 

THE  largest  automobile  in  the  world  takes  its  way  through 
the  modern  business  and  residential  sections  of  New 
Orleans  as  well  as  that  most  mystical  and  picturesque 
part  known  as  the  "French  Quarter."     Here  every  square  has 
its  realistic  or  legendary  lore  and  here  will  be  seen  the  de- 
scendants of  the  French  and  Spanish  noblesse  and  that  pecul- 
iar type  of  American  civilization — the  Creole  of  Louisiana. 


Below  are  given  a 

FEW    ATTRACTIONS 
St.  Charles  Hotel. 
A  Ride  Along  the  Great  Levees. 
Canal  Street. 
Steamboat  Landing. 
The  Custom  House  and  Post  Office 

(Corner  stone  laid  by  Henry  Clay) . 
Liberty  Monument. 
Building  costing  $4,000,000.00. 
Lafayette  Square. 
Henry  Clay  Monument. 
Mississippi  River  Packets. 
Algiers. 

Immense  Sugar  Refinery. 
Jackson  Square. 

Former  "Plantations  of  the  King." 
Place  d'Armes. 
Royal  Street. 
City  Hall  (1850). 
New  Court  House  and  Jail. 
Orpheum  Theater. 
Y.  M.  C.  A.  Building. 
First  Sugar  Refinery  »n  Louisiana 

(1794). 

Statue  of  Gen.  Robert  E.  Lee. 
Lee  Circle. 

St.  Louis  Cemetery  No.  1. 
St.  Louis  Cemetery  No.  2. 
St.  Louis  Cemetery  No.  3. 
Pickwick  Club. 

Chess  Checker  and  Whist  Club. 
Building  in  which  Mardi  Gras  Balls 

are  held. 


OP   THIS  TOUR 

Statue  of  Benjamin  Franklin. 

Statue  of  John  McDonough. 

Beautiful  St.  Charles  Avenue. 

First  Presbyterian  Church. 

Home  of  the  Famous  "Sazerac 
Cocktail." 

Old  French  Market. 

House  where  Gen.  Lafayette  was 
entertained. 

Old  Basin. 

Carondelet  Canal. 

Most  Ancient  Cemetery  in  New 
Orleans. 

Monument  to  Gen.  Jackson. 

Bourbon  Street. 

First  Church  to  be  built  in  Louis- 
iana. 

Building  in  which  transfer  of  Louis- 
iana Purchase  was  made  to  U.  S. 

Old  Antique  Shops. 

Ancient  Court  House. 

Old  Cabildo — house  of  Spanish, 
French  and  American  Govern- 
ments. 

St.  Louis  Cathedral  (first  built  in 
1718). 

Famous  French  Opera  House. 

Old  St.  Louis  Hotel  (now  Hotel 
Royal). 

Tulane  and  Crescent  Theatres. 

Cotton  Exchange. 

Boston  Club. 


THE  famous  auto  passes  these  and  many  more  points  of 
interest,    traversing  the   historic   byways  ,and  grand 
boulevards  of  this  quaint  old  city.     An  expert  guide 
accompanies  each  tour  and  points  out  each  interesting  feature 
and  tells  of  the  past  grandeur  and  romance  and  the  future 
greatness  of  New  Orleans. 

ONE  DOLLAR— THE  ROUND  TRIP       . 

Leave  St.  Charles  Hotel 

Seats  Reserved  in  Advance.     Telephone,  St.  Charles  Hotel  News  Stand, 
Main  1600 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  353 

There  was  a  fifty-cent  touring  auto  that  started 
once  a  day  from  the  corner  of  Canal  and  St.  Charles 
Street,  but  the  best  was  none  too  good  for  us  (as  the 
sequel  proved)  and  we  chose  the  dollar  tour  because 
the  price  was  higher  and  the  advertising  circulars 
more  numerous. 

The  description  should  have  commenced  thus: 

"The  largest  and  most  old-fashioned  and  used-up 
automobile  takes  its  way  at  a  snail's  pace  through  the 
modern  business  and  residential  sections  of  New  Or- 
leans as  well  as  that  most  delusive  and  dilapidated 
part  known  as  the  "French  quarter."  Here  every 
square  inch  has  its  realistic  or  legendary  lore  of  which 
our  guide  knows  not  a  thing  and  says  not  a  word — 
therefore  don't  bother  him  with  questions.  And  here 
will  be  seen  the  descendants  and  decadents  of  the 
French  and  Spanish  noblesse — and  great  has  been  the 
descent — and  that  peculiar  type  of  American  civil- 
ization, the  Creole  of  Louisiana.  All  of  these  things 
and  many  more  will  not  be  pointed  out  to  you. 

"The  infamous  auto  passes  by  these  and  many  more 
points  of  no  more  interest,  traversing  the  historic 
byways  and  grand  boulevards  of  this  grand  old  city. 
A  pert  guy  accompanies  each  tour  and  puts  out  each 
interesting  feature,  and  says  nothing  about  the  pres- 
ent, and  knows  nothing  about  the  past  grandeur  and 
romance,  and  the  future  greatness  of  New  Orleans." 

If  the  company  will  change  the  circular  to  read  as 
I  have  corrected  it,  I  will  recommend  it  as  an  honest 
one  trying  to  live  up  to  its  advertisement.  Otherwise 
I  must  condemn  it  as  a  corrupt  Philadelphia  company. 


354  BACK 

a  buyer  of  cast-off  automobiles  and  off-caste  young 
men,  which  are  sent  to  far-off  cities  to  play  tricks 
upon  visitors.  The  company  runs  automobiles  in 
Washington  and  Philadelphia  as  well,  and  sends  unin- 
structed  strangers  to  act  as  guys  and  guides.  They 
depend  for  their  success  upon  the  reputation  of  some 
of  the  well-conducted  tours  in  other  cities,  notably 
Chicago.  They  avoid  trouble  by  collecting  the  fares 
before  they  start. 

On  our  way  through  the  French  quarter  Doctor 
Frank  tried  in  vain  to  get  a  single  word  from  the  guy 
about  "the  past  grandeur  and  romance"  or  the  "legend- 
ary lore,"  or  about  the  history  of  the  places.  The 
guy  had  never  studied  history  nor  read  the  news- 
papers, and  had  not  even  learned  to  speak  a  little 
piece  about  either  history,  legend,  romance  or  "rot." 
He  could  not  even  tell  a  lie.  He  pointed  his  finger  at 
a  few  business  houses,  pronounced  the  names  of  clubs, 
and  showed  us  the  charred  walls  of  a  club  house  that 
had  been  burned  the  day  before,  and  pronounced  it 
the  latest  thing  in  ruins.  He  showed  us  the  house  of 
a  rich  man,  and  when  we  came  to  the  oldest  Protestant 
church  he  stood  up  and  said,  "This  is  the  First  Pres- 
byterian Church,"  and  sat  down.  When  we  got  back 
he  also  showed  us  the  New  St.  Charles  Hotel,  and  we 
knew  at  least  that  he  was  giving  this  last  "attraction" 
its  right  name. 

Should  any  reader  doubt  the  truth  of  my  words  let 
him  ask  Dr.  J.  Frank  of  Chicago,  whose  stomach  was 
full  after  his  five  days  of  fasting,  and  who  therefore 
felt  in  a  mood  to  be  pleased  with  anything  half  way 


THE  LAST  DAY  AT  SEA  355 

entertaining  or  reasonable.  He  will  say  that  I  have 
not  told  the  truth,  but  only  a  portion  of  it,  and  he  will 
probably  complete  the  recitation  of  the  truth  and  give 
it  some  of  the  color  that  belongs  to  it.  He  was  anx- 
ious to  learn  something  about  the  town,  but  learned 
nothing.  He  would  even  have  been  glad  to  tell  the  guy 
a  thing  or  two  about  historic  and  legendary  New  Or- 
leans, or  to  give  him  a  piece  of  his  mind,  if  the  fel- 
low had  been  capable  of  appreciating  either  thing,  or 
anything.  The  fellow  didn't  know  what  he  saw  and 
probably  would  not  have  understood  what  he  heard. 
Anyway  he  did  not  care  to  see  or  hear.  He  was  sat- 
isfied with  himself  and  his  salary,  and  we  had  not  the 
heart  to  interfere  with  his  happiness,  as  he  had  with 
ours.* 

*In  justice  to  the  local  Manhattan  Auto-Car  Co.,  whose  office  is  at  211 
St.  Charles  St.,  I  wish  to  say  that  I  was  again  in  New  Orleans  in  December 
1907,  and  had  a  satisfactory  ride  in  one  of  their  vehicles.  Our  guide, 
whose  name  was  Ryniger,  was  as  lively  and  full  of  information  as  the  one 
described  above  was  stupid  and  ignorant.  Those  who  take  the  trip  should 
select  his  car. 


CHAPTER  VII 

Traveling  North  by  Way  of  the  South 

Off  for  Chicago — Trying  a  Southern  Railway — The  Sleeping- 
car  Mattress,  One  of  the  Luxuries  of  the  World — Court- 
ing Sleep — Astonishing  Discovery  of  Daylight — Spur- 
ious Insomnia — Missing  a  Cold  Bath — A  Strange  Stranger 
—Mobile— The  Battle  House  Restaurant — Patriotic  Cof- 
fee— Delicacy  Versus  Flavor — Five-cent  Cafe"-au-lait — 
Milk  Versus  Cream — Central  American  Bitter  Coffee — 
Cereal  Coffee— The  Best  Substitute— The  Stranger  and 
the  Conductor — Compelled  to  Keep  a  Saloon  in  His 
Own  House — Hugging  a  Young  Lady — Tears  and  the 
Bottle — The  Capital  of  Alabama — Mismanaging  a  Cigar 
— Putting  His  Boots  to  Bed — More  Ice-water — Cakes 
and  Lemons — Breakfast  on  the  Train — An  Unaccount- 
able Disappointment — Drowning  Sorrow  in  Drink — The 
Great  American  Treating  Habit. 

After  our  oyster  supper  my  comrades  started  for 
Chicago  via  the  Illinois  Central  Railway,  and  as  I 
was  committed  to  the  Louisville  and  Nashville  route, 
we  parted  company.  My  train  was  scheduled  to  start 
at  8  P.  M.,  but  a  train  which  was  to  connect  with  us 
was  indefinitely  late,  and  as  we  could  not  safely  go 
backward  in  the  dark  in  search  of  it,  we  had  to  wait. 
Finally  the  expected  happened,  the  loiterer  arrived, 
and  we  started  off  at  a  soothing  pace  that  put  me  to 
sleep.  At  home  where  I  had  a  comfortable  bed,  a 
quiet  room  and  everything  my  own  way,  I  couldn't  go 

356 


TRA  VELING  NORTH  3  5  7 

to  sleep  like  that.  In  Chicago  the  pace  is  too  fast. 
Fortunately  I  had  taken  the  precaution  to  ask  the  por- 
ter to  call  me  at  six  o'clock,  that  I  might  breakfast 
at  a  genuine  U.  S.  hotel  in  Montgomery,  where  the 
train  was  to  rest  from  seven  to  nine. 

I  awoke  and  turned  over  a  few  times  in  the  course 
of  the  night,  as  one  does  on  sleeping-car  mattresses. 
I  did  it,  however,  just  to  feel  how  soft  and  comforta- 
ble the  mattress  was,  and  to  congratulate  myself.  Any 
one  who  does  not  appreciate  a  sleeping-car  mattress 
can  learn  to  by  taking  passage  in  the  S.  S.  Brighton. 
Let  him  ask  the  purser,  steward  or  any  of  the  officers 
of  one  of  the  small  fruit  boats  about  the  Pullman  mat- 
tress. Let  him  serve  on  one  of  them  for  two  or  three 
years  and  then  try  the  Pullman  bed.  If  I  were  a  Car- 
negie, a  Peter  Cooper,  or  any  other  conscientious  mul- 
ti-millionaire, living  or  dead,  I  would  create  a  fund 
with  some  of  the  money  I  couldn't  enjoy  in  Heaven 
or  on  earth,  for  the  purpose  of  enabling  all  employees 
of  fruit  boats  to  live  on  land.  Why  do  not  the  fruit- 
boatmen  strike  for  better  beds?  Workmen  on  land 
strike  for  everything  they  want,  and  get  it;  and  ev- 
erybody tolerates  the  general  inconvenience  of  it.  We 
are  all  willing  to  help. 

I  noticed  after  two  or  three  waking  spells  that  the 
train  was  always  stationary,  but  inferred  that  it  was 
the  stopping  that  disturbed  and  wakened  me,  for  I 
was  not  accustomed  to  sleeping  without  noise  and 
motion.  After  a  time  I  became  convinced  that  I  could 
not  go  to  sleep  without  their  assistance,  and  waited 
impatiently  for  the  train  to  begin  its  rumbling  and 


358  BACK 

bumping  motion.  As  it  did  not  start  I  concluded 
that  it  had  stopped  to  take  a  long  rest  at  Mobile,  where 
it  was  due  at  n  140  P.  M.,  and  that  the  time  of  day 
was  therefore  the  middle  of  the  night.  I  felt  like 
blaming  the  Southern  railroads  for  the  way  they  al- 
lowed their  express  trains  to  lie  around  on  side-tracks 
all  along  the  line,  waiting  to  miss  connections,  instead 
of  hustling  to  make  time  and  accommodate  nervous 
people.  I  criticised  them  for  their  schedule  habit  of 
leaving  New  Orleans  at  8  P.  M.  in  order  to  loaf  about 
Mobile  and  visit  for  two  hours  at  Montgomery.  My 
train  could  just  as  well  have  left  at  midnight  and  have 
given  me  an  opportunity  to  go  to  the  French  opera 
with  Doctor  and  Mrs.  Palmer  and  have  an  oyster 
supper  with  them  afterward,  as  to  pretend  to  leave  at 
eight,  lie  waiting  for  late  trains  until  after  nine,  then 
shuffle  off  like  a  tramp-train  and  constantly  wake  me 
by  standing  still.  A  sleeping  car  should  not  try  to 
imitate  a  bedroom  in  a  country  hotel. 

I  strove  to  become  accustomed  to  the  quiet  and  to 
will  myself  to  sleep.  I  kept  turning  myself  over  like 
a  pancake  that  must  sooner  or  later  get  done.  I 
turned  on  my  side  and  tried  to  snore  myself  off.  But 
snoring  loves  an  audience,  and  I  didn't  have  any.  It 
occurred  to  me  that  I  was  kept  awake  by  the  enjoy- 
ment of  the  to  me  unusual  comfort  of  the  bed,  so  I 
turned  on  my  side  and  put  my  under  arm  behind  me 
to  keep  myself  from  being  too  comfortable.  When  I 
couldn't  endure  that  position  any  longer  I  uncovered 
my  head  to  be  able  to  hear  what  was  going  on,  and 
thus  listen  myself  to  sleep,  but  there  were  no  noises. 


TRAVELING  NORTH  359 

I  threw  down  the  cover  and  tried  to  keep  cool,  but 
the  car  was  warm.  I  tried  all  of  the  stunts  known 
to  insomniacs,  from  complicated  and  inverted  meth- 
ods of  counting  to  the  solution  of  problems  and  the 
composition  of  scientific  lectures,  but  they  only  made 
me  hungry.  Apparently  I  had  not  eaten  oysters 
enough  in  New  Orleans  to  last  through  the  attack, 
so  I  ate  two  apples  which  I  happened  to  have  in  my 
overcoat  pocket.  But  eating  never  did  agree  with 
me,  and  I  became  more  wide  awake  than  ever.  In 
bed  I  was  no  better  off  than  an  ordinary  millionaire. 
His  money  could  not  buy  Nature's  gift  to  the  poor, 
and  my  science  could  not  produce  it.  I  knew  that  we 
were  not  lying  at  Montgomery  or  it  would  have  been 
daylight  and  the  porter  would  have  called  me.  Hence 
I  concluded  that  my  arrival  in  the  United  States  had 
brought  back  my  old  insomnia  and  that  there  was  no 
remedy  for  it  but  expatriation  or  a  sailor's  life. 

Finally  I  became  utterly  discouraged  at  having  lost 
almost  an  entire  night's  rest,  for  I  was  too  much  of 
a  veteran  to  expect  any  more  sleep  that  night.  So  I 
sat  up  and  pulled  aside  the  window  curtain  to  see  if 
there  were  any  signs  of  dawn.  To  my  astonishment 
I  let  in  bright  sunlight.  The  window  curtain  had  fit- 
ted so  tightly  in  the  window  frame  that  the  usual 
morning  ray  of  light  had  not  penetrated.  I  had  mis- 
taken the  shimmer  of  light  about  the  edges  of  the 
curtains  for  the  night  lights  of  the  station.  I  rang 
for  the  porter  and  asked  him  why  it  was  daylight. 

"Dunno,  sah,"  he  answered,  "  'cept  it's  eight  o'clock, 
and  we's  waitin'  heah  at  Mobile  foh  a  broken  bridge 
to  git  mended." 


360  BACK 

All  of  my  insomnia  had  evidently  been  since  about 
6  A.  M.,  and  after  eight  hours  of  sleep,  or  two  hours 
more  than  my  average  when  I  am  sleeping  well.  I 
now  knew  that  I  had  acquired  the  insomnia  habit,  and 
was  destined  to  be  a  victim  of  insomnia  no  matter 
how  well  I  slept.  A  bridge  over  which  we  were  to 
pass  was  disabled,  and  by  waiting  until  it  was  repaired, 
instead  of  going  right  along  regardless,  like  a  North- 
ern express  train,  we  missed  a  cold  morning  bath — 
being  given  no  chance  to  choose  between  the  bath  and 
the  extra  nap.  The  train  ahead  of  us  had  taken  our 
bath.  But  like  all  dyspeptics  who  fret  before  arising,  I 
felt  consoled  and  cheerful  after  getting  up  and  letting 
in  the  sunlight  and  realizing  that  the  world  was  still 
getting  on  all  right. 

As  the  bridge  could  not  be  sufficiently  repaired  for 
traffic  until  noon,  I  concluded  to  make  the  best  of  the 
situation  and  hunt  up  a  good  cup  of  coffee.  Mobile 
was  the  capital  of  the  French  possessions  in  America 
200  years  ago,  long  before  old  New  Orleans  was 
born.  In  the  antebellum  days  Mobile  was  the  hot- 
house of  the  Southern  aristocracy  and  is  now  one  of 
the  richest  towns  in  the  old  South  in  proportion  to  its 
population.  I  would  find  a  good  cup  of  cafe-au-lait  in 
Mobile. 

While  I  was  making  my  toilet,  a  man  of  about  sev- 
enty years,  with  scant  white  hair  and  delicate  features, 
entered  the  dressing-room  with  a  pint  bottle  of  whis- 
key in  his  hand,  and  addressed  me  cordially. 

"Have  a  drop,  stranger?" 

"Is  it  French  coffee  ?"  I  asked. 


TRAVELING  NORTH  361 

"No,  it's  Kentucky  corn  juice.    Try  some?" 

"No,  I  thank  you.  I  always  begin  the  day  with  a 
drink  of  pure  water." 

"And  end  it  with  a  drink  of  pure  whiskey,  eh?  I 
commence  with  water  too,  but  I  can't  take  it  pure  be- 
fore breakfast." 

After  taking  a  stomachful  of  equal  parts  of  whiskey 
and  water,  he  warmed  up  and  became  talkative.  He 
told  me  he  had  boarded  the  train  at  midnight  and  had 
awaked  in  the  morning  at  the  same  place  from  which 
he  had  started.  He  said  the  train  had  held  its  own 
and  hadn't  drifted  any,  and  that  he  had  known  it 
wouldn't;  but  he  had  engaged  his  berth  to  sleep  in 
and  was  going  to  fulfill  his  part  of  the  contract  like 
a  law-abiding  citizen. 

I  told  him  that  this  delay  was  only  one  of  many 
mishaps  that  had  befallen  me,  that  I  had  experienced 
nothing  but  delays  since  I  had  left  home  six  weeks 
before,  and  would  arrive  there  nearly  a  week  behind 
time.  I  had  been  singularly  unfortunate. 

"Young  man!"  he  exclaimed  in  a  startling,  sepul- 
chral voice  that  quivered  slightly,  like  that  of  an  ora- 
tor giving  a  cue  to  the  emotion  he  is  about  to  evoke. 
"Young  man,  you  don't  know  what  you  are  talking 
about." 

"You're  right,"  I  answered;  "I  have  had  insomnia 
since  six  o'clock  this  morning,  and  my  bearings  are 
a  little  bit  off.  I  never  complain  of  real  troubles,  for 
they  are  blessings  in  disguise.  They  are  good  for  us. 
Fancied  troubles  are  the  blighting  ones." 

"Suppose  that  you  had  been  kept  away  from  your 


362  BACK 

home  on  account  of  your  health  for  three  months,  and 
were  now  called  home  to  a  dying  wife,  and  couldn't 
make  any  better  progress  than  I  have  since  I  started 
last  night?  You  don't  know  what  real  troubles  are, 
young  man." 

Here  he  took  another  drink  of  his  poison  and  I 
expressed  as  much  sympathy  as  I  could,  considering 
the  novelty  of  the  exhibition,  and  started  out  in  search 
of  my  poison,  viz.,  cafe-au-lait. 

I  confess  that  I  was  considerably  surprised  at  the 
old-fashioned  provincial  aspect  of  the  town,  and  con- 
cluded that  it  was  a  better  place  than  it  appeared  to 
be.  Like  New  Orleans,  it  had  a  good  harbor,  had 
wealth,  was  the  seaport  of  a  prosperous  Southern 
state,  and  imported  bananas ;  yet  it  looked  to  me  very 
much  like  a  large  country  town  of  one  business  street. 
It  belonged  to  the  older  generation  of  cities,  already 
in  a  senile  stage  of  existence.  But  the  old  aristocrats, 
who  had  been  too  proud  to  engage  in  commercial  pur- 
suits or  to  encourage  their  sons  to  do  so,  were  nearly 
all  dead,  and  the  town,  under  the  influence  of  new 
ideas,  was  beginning  a  new  life  and  taking  on  new 
growth  and  development.  So  I  resolved  to  test  her 
with  cafe-au-lait,  and  hurried  out  in  search  of  the 
Battle  House  of  antebellum  fame.  I  finally  found  a 
shabby  old  building  that  had  seen  better  days,  with 
an  unexpectedly  aristocratic-looking  restaurant  under 
it  full  of  well-dressed  negro  waiters,  who  bowed  and 
scraped  and  ran  on  tiptoe  as  they  always  do  where 
the  tipping  system  is  in  vogue.  It  was  the  waiters' 
way  of  announcing  the  fact  to  their  victims.  But  the 


TRAVELING  NORTH  363 

poor  fellows  (the  waiters)  served  them  (their  vic- 
tims) with  a  sort  of  feverish  anxiety,  and  served  them 
well  and  swell,  and  thus  almost  justified  the  system. 
My  waiter  was  not,  however,  as  good  a  Frenchman 
in  scholarship  as  in  manners,  for  although  he  under- 
stood my  order  for  an  omelette,  he  did  not  under- 
stand "cafe-au-lait,"  or  "coffee  with  hot  milk."  Hot 
milk  was  too  plebeian — cream  was  served  in  his  res- 
taurant. 

After  a  long  wait  my  breakfast  came.  The  omelette 
was  good,  but  the  rolls  were  American  biscuit  rolls, 
damp,  soft,  lukewarm  and  flavorless.  And  the  hot 
milk  was  in  a  tiny  lunch-counter  pitcher  that  held  less 
than  two  tablespoonfuls.  The  coffee  was  clear  and 
unadulterated,  and  therefore  genuine  United  States 
made  coffee.  When  U.  S.  makes  coffee  that  is  clear, 
U.  S.  thinks  she  has  made  coffee.  She  uses  good  or 
bad  Mocha  and  Java  in  moderate  quantity,  but  in  or- 
der to  make  it  clear  she  puts  an  egg  in  it  which  hard- 
ens about  the  grounds  before  the  full  flavor  has  been 
extracted,  and  thus  much  of  the  flavor  remains  at  the 
bottom  of  the  pot  to  be  boiled  out  and  developed  for 
the  servants  and  the  waste-pail.  Then  the  drinker 
covers  up  the  taste  with  rich  cream,  thinking  that  the 
flavor,  being  covered  up,  cannot  get  away.  Such  cof- 
fee is  comparatively  harmless  to  the  commonwealth, 
and  on  that  account  deserves  its  popularity.  It  is  one 
of  the  few  popular  things  that  are  harmless. 

One  of  the  advantages  of  cafe-au-lait  is  that  the 
proportion  of  the  two  ingredients  can  be  varied  to 
suit  the  taste  or  idiosyncrasy  of  the  drinker.  Those 


364  BACK 

who  can  not  drink  strong  coffee  can  diminish  the  pro- 
portion of  coffee  with  milk  until  but  little  coffee  is 
used,  and  those  who  can  not  drink  full  strength  milk 
can  reduce  the  quantity  of  milk  until  but  little  milk  is 
used.  The  palate  will  soon  become  accustomed  to 
what  is  habitually  drunk  and  may  finally  be  taught 
to  prefer  either  dilution. 

I  ate  my  breakfast  and  my  hunger  was  appeased; 
but  as  I  had  started  out  to  get  a  hot  drink  rather  than 
something  to  eat,  I  was  not  satisfied,  and  the  enjoy- 
ment of  the  meal  was  incomplete.  I  do  not  wish  to 
say  anything  derogatory  to  the  Battle  House  restau- 
rant, for  the  hotel  has  died  since  (was  burned  up)  and 
therefore  deserves  to  be  eulogized.  In  fact,  I  wish 
to  praise  the  restaurant  on  patriotic  grounds.  It  made 
American  coffee  and  deserves  praise  for  being  Ameri- 
can instead  of  French,  which  in  itself  is  the  highest 
praise  I  can  give.  But  it  did  not  occur  to  me  to  feel 
patriotic  at  the  time.  The  temperature,  following  the 
"norther,"  was  36  degrees  F.,  the  most  chilling  and 
unpatriotic  temperature  of  the  whole  Fahrenheit  sys- 
tem, and  as  I  went  out  into  the  street  my  thoughts 
were  still  upon  a  good,  hot,  comforting  cup  of  coffee. 
I  therefore  resolved  to  try  again,  and  finally  found  a 
low-down  restaurant  on  the  corner  of  Royal  Street 
near  the  station  and  got  a  cup  of  their  cheap  coffee, 
probably  ordinary  South  American  or  Central  Ameri- 
can, which  might  have  been  thickened  and  blackened 
by  a  little  chicory.  It  was  not  as  clear  and  delicate 
as  that  of  the  Battle  House,  but  it  had  more  flavor. 
I  asked  for  hot  milk  and  when  I  had  diluted  the  coffee 


TRAVELING  NORTH  365 

nearly  one  half,  the  mixture  still  had  flavor.  I  could 
have  drunk  three  or  four  cupfuls.  The  charge  for  it 
was  five  cents.  The  price  was  the  only  bad  thing 
about  it,  and  I  almost  felt  un-American  at  having 
enjoyed  five  cents  so  hugely.  I  felt  humiliated,  but 
I  felt  good. 

The  Central  American  coffee  is  quite  bitter  when 
well  made.  I  was  told  that  in  order  to  develop  the 
bitter  flavor  the  Central  Americans  burn  the  coffee 
beans  when  they  roast  them,  and  thus  render  it  more 
bitter  than  natural.  This  scorching  takes  away  some 
of  its  delicacy  of  flavor  and  renders  it  unpalatable  to 
many  North  Americans,  but  by  using  plenty  of  sugar 
when  it  is  taken  black,  or  by  diluting  it  with  an  equal 
quantity  of  hot  unskimmed  milk  and  using  but  a  small 
quantity  of  sugar,  its  bitterness  is  modified  and  it 
has  a  richness  of  flavor  that  makes  it  preferable  to  the 
so-called  Mocha  and  Java  as  ordinarily  made.  It 
differs  from  ordinary  U.  S.  restaurant  coffee  as  cham- 
pagne from  cider.  But,  of  course,  many  prefer  cider. 

Cereal  coffee  is  possibly  a  good  substitute  for  young 
people  whose  nerves  are  more  easily  injured  than  their 
stomachs.  But  for  middle-aged  and  old  people  it  is 
too  heavy,  for  the  amount  of  starch  in  it  which  must 
be  swallowed  without  mastication  tends  to  produce 
acid  fermentation  in  the  alimentary  canal  and  hasten 
the  advent  of  gout,  which  is  the  goal  of  all  good  eaters 
and  drinkers.  Cereal  coffee  has  just  one  excuse  for 
existing,  but  I've  forgotten  what  it  is.  Old-fash- 
ioned chicory  has  more  flavor  and  is  less  fermentable, 
and  therefore  is  preferable  for  both  the  young  and 


366  BACK 

old.  Pure  coffee  contains  no  starch  and  not  enough 
tannin  to  injure  a  canary  bird,  and  the  stimulation 
of  moderate  coffee  drinking  is  not  very  injurious  to 
people  past  middle  age.  The  only  real  contraindica- 
tion is  youth — but  youth  is  always  contradictory.  Next 
to  the  sugar  put  into  the  coffee,  the  most  injurious 
feature  is  the  manner  of  drinking  it,  viz.,  sipping  it 
while  eating,  and  thus  washing  down  food  that  should 
be  chewed  until  dissolved  and  washed  down  by  the 
saliva. 

But  the  best  solution  of  the  whole  coffee  problem 
is  to  sip  a  glass  of  hot,  slightly  salted  milk  at  the  be- 
ginning and  another  at  the  end  of  the  meal,  and  to  eat 
the  meal  dry  between  them.  If  persisted  in  to  the 
exclusion  of  coffee  this  hot  milk  habit  will  after  a  time 
take  away  all  desire  for  coffee  drinking,  which  is  a 
habit  of  civilization  and  a  very  ancient  and  barbarous 
one.  But  many  of  us  who  consider  ourselves  civil- 
ized have  barbarous  tastes  and  habits,  and  do  not  wish 
to  relinquish  them.  We  bequeath  the  refining  of  our 
barbarous  tastes  to  posterity — to  our  heirs.  Let  them 
fight  over  them,  as  they  do  over  the  other  things. 

After  the  train  had  finally  pulled  out  I  heard  the 
sleeping-car  stranger  telling  the  sleeping-car,  conduc- 
tor of  his  misfortune  and  the  reason  why  he  had  been 
obliged  to  stay  away  from  his  home,  which  was  in 
Hyde  Park,  Chicago.  He  said  he  couldn't  stand  the 
cold  there,  and  that  it  was  impossible  to  get  a  hot 
drink  within  walking  distance  of  his  house. 

"Just  imagine,"  he  said,  "living  in  Chicago  and  not 
being  able  to  get  a  hot  drink ;  to  have  to  keep  a  saloon 


TRAVELING  NORTH  367 

in  your  own  house.  There  is  something  wrong  about 
a  community  that  makes  every  man  keep  a  private 
saloon." 

"You're  right,  sir.  There  must  be  something  wrong 
about  a  city  that  can  not  provide  saloons  enough  for 
its  citizens.  They  must  be  tea-totalers,"  replied  the 
conductor  sympathetically. 

"Yes,  and  every  one  of  'em  is  tanning  his  stomach 
with  tea  and  coffee.  Serves  'em  right.  Let  'em  tan 
it,  damn  it!  By  the  way,  conductor,  did  you  see  the 
fun  a  few  minutes  ago?" 

"No,  what  was  it?" 

"I  hugged  a  young  lady,  and  she  didn't  object. 
Yes,  sir,  I  did  it.  As  I  was  passing  her  in  the  aisle 
she  stumbled  against  me  and  I  had  to  hug  her  to  keep 
from  being  knocked  down.  She  begged  my  pardon 
and  I  excused  her,  thinking  that  honors  were  even, 
ha,  ha!" 

"We'll  be  looking  for  an  elopement,  next,"  sug- 
gested the  conductor. 

"No,"  he  said,  "my  tongue  is  the  only  thing  that 
would  run  away  with  me  now." 

After  thus  dwelling  a  while  in  a  facetious  manner 
on  the  details  of  the  romantic  adventure,  and  repeat- 
ing himself  many  times,  he  suddenly  remembered 
what  he  was  there  for  and  began  to  talk  tearfully 
about  his  wife,  and  pulled  out  his  bottle  and  went 
into  the  smoking-room  for  water.  The  old  man  was 
as  young  in  his  feelings  as  the  day  he  was  born — he 
had  a  saving  sense  of  humor.  Those  who  are  not 
gifted  with  a  sense  of  humor  are  born  old ;  those  with 


368  BACK 

it  die  young.  Notwithstanding  his  troubles,  the  old 
man  was  dying  young. 

We  arrived  at  Montgomery  at  5  P.  M.  and  had  to 
change  cars  in  order  to  catch  the  train  that  had  left 
New  Orleans  in  the  morning,  twelve  hours  after  we 
had.  By  this  time  the  old  gentleman  was  dull  and 
heavy  and  did  not  wish  to  get  off.  He  had  paid  for 
his  berth  expecting  the  car  to  go  on  to  Chicago,  and 
insisted  on  keeping  it.  He  said  that  he  had  fulfilled 
his  part  of  the  contract.  They  put  him  off,  however, 
and  I  left  the  poor  old  fellow  in  the  station  while  I 
went  out  for  a  stroll  through  the.  main  thoroughfare 
of  the  picturesque  little  capital  of  Alabama  in  the 
heart  of  the  South.  It  is  a  busy-looking  place  of  about 
30,000  inhabitants,  with  crowded  streets  and  attrac- 
tive-looking stores  that  seemed  to  be  doing  plenty  of 
business.  Following  the  main  thoroughfare,  I  soon 
came  within  sight  of  the  state-house,  which  showed 
off  to  great  advantage  on  the  hill  at  the  head  of  the 
street.  Beside  it  I  found  the  Confederate  Soldiers' 
Monument,  which  was  a  credit  to  the  state  from  a 
confederate  point  of  view.  It  even  created  strong 
feelings  of  admiration  and  sympathy  in  me,  a  lifelong 
republican  and  sinner. 

When  I  returned  to  the  train  at  half  past  six  the 
old  Hyde  Parker,  who  was  forced  to  keep  a  private 
saloon  in  his  own  house,  came  aboard  with  a  full 
stock  of  wet  goods  in  his  system  and  a  fresh  stock 
in  his  pocket.  He  sat  in  the  smoking-room  trying  in 
vain  to  crack  jokes  and  smoke  a  cigar.  His  ideas 
were  muddled  and  he  had  lost  the  knack  of  managing 


TRA  VELING  NORTH  369 

a  lighted  cigar.  He  did  not  put  the  wrong  end  in 
his  mouth  nor  miss  his  mouth,  but  he  repeatedly 
dropped  it,  let  it  go  out  twice,  chewed  the  end  off, 
burned  his  fingers  and  finally  threw  it  at  the  cuspidor, 
missing  his  aim  and  scattering  the  ashes  on  our  feet. 

Two  young  men,  who  seemed  to  be  commercial 
travelers,  took  a  kind-hearted  interest  in  him  and  of- 
fered to  help  him  to  bed.  But  the  septuagenarian 
did  not  know  the  number  of  his  berth  and  could  not 
find  his  ticket.  He  had  left  it  in  his  overcoat  and  did 
not  know  where  his  overcoat  was.  One  of  the  young 
men  went  to  the  porter,  found  the  overcoat  and  num- 
ber, and  had  the  berth  made  up.  He  himself  had  un- 
doubtedly helped  and  been  helped  to  bed  on  sundry 
occasions  in  the  past  and  was  willing  and  qualified 
for  the  deed  of  sympathy.  When  he  returned  the 
old  man  was  offering  to  fight  three  of  us.  I  knew 
that  it  was  one  of  the  Hyde  Parker's  tipsy  jokes, 
but  the  others,  not  knowing  him  as  well  as  I  did, 
took  him  seriously  and  insisted  upon  putting  him  to 
bed.  They  were  preparing  to  use  kindly  force  if  nec- 
essary. He  then  started  to  unlace  his  shoes  in  the 
smoking-room  and,  upon  being  told  by  the  astonished 
young  men  not  to  take  them  off  there,  he  said  that  he 
wanted  to  put  his  shoes  to  bed  first,  and  asked  how 
they  could  get  to  bed  unless  he  put  them  there.  Real- 
izing that  they  took  him  in  earnest,  he  went  on  in  that 
way  for  a  while  before  he  allowed  them  to  lead  him 
off.  He  was  not  too  far  gone  to  have  a  little  sport 
with  them. 

The  next  morning  when  I  entered  the  dressing-room 

24 


370  BACK 

his  empty  whiskey  bottle  lay  on  the  washstand  under 
the  ice-water  faucet,  indicating  that  he  had  been  to 
the  water  already,  and  he  sat  near  the  window  eating 
sponge  cakes  out  of  a  paper  bag.  He  was  sober  and 
thoughtful  and  did  not  seem  to  be  enjoying  his  break- 
fast. I  had  a  few  limes  left  from  the  stock  laid  in  at 
Bocas  del  Toro  and  was  sucking  one. 

"If  you  would  suck  one  of  these  limes/'  I  said,  "it 
would  give  a  fine  lemon  flavor  to  your  cake." 

"Lemons  don't  taste  good,  and  they  don't  agree  with 
me,"  he  replied  with  a  sort  of  grimace. 

"But  I  have  studied  foods  and  digestions  for  a  quar- 
ter of  a  century,  and  know  what  tastes  good  and  di- 
gests well.  That  cake  is  too  sweet.  Just  try  a  lime 
with  it." 

"Stranger,"  he  said,  "I  have  tasted  and  digested 
food  for  nearly  three  quarters  of  a  century  and  knew 
what  tastes  good  before  you  were  thought  of." 

"Surely  you  must  have  been  mistaken  all  of  this 
time,"  I  said,  "or  you  would  agree  with  me,  for  I 
am  a  physician  and  have  learned  all  about  taste  and 
digestion.  Hereafter,  before  deciding  how  a  thing 
tastes,  ask  me." 

"Well,  Doctor,  I'd  like  to  know  how  whiskey 
tastes." 

"Like  poison,"  I  answered. 

"Well,  I  feel  just  like  taking  poison,  and  the  poi- 
soner the  better,"  he  said  as  he  arose  and  started  for 
the  water  tank. 

I  allowed  him  to  poison  himself  while  I  went  out 
to  the  dining-car  for  breakfast.  When  I  returned  I 


TRAVELING  NORTH  371 

found  him  smoking  a  black  cigar  and  looking  quite 
pleasant.  The  poison  had  reached  its  cerebral  des- 
tination and  had  overcome  the  melancholy  tension. 

He  asked  me  how  the  breakfast  had  tasted. 

"Why,  you  have  been  eating  breakfast  for  three 
quarters  of  a  century  and  ought  to  know/'  I  answered. 

"I've  lived  just  long  enough,  Doctor,  to  learn  that 
eating  breakfast  before  working  for  it  is  a  bad  habit 
that  follows  civilization." 

"I  agree  with  you  there.  It  is  a  mere  matter  of 
taste  after  all.  As  a  doctor  I  eat  breakfast  before  I 
work,  not  because  it  is  a  bad  habit,  but  because  I  am 
a  doctor,  and  must  know  how  it  acts  in  order  to  be 
able  to  treat  others  who  do  it.  I  eat  to  learn." 

"And  I  suppose  they  charged  you  a  dollar  for  the 
lesson,  for  learning  how  it  tasted?" 

"No,"  I  said,  "this  isn't  a  dollar  car.  Meals  are 
served  a  la  carte.  You  can  get  all  you  want  for  less 
than  a  dollar,  unless  you  have  an  officious  waiter  who 
puts  on  so  much  style  for  you  that  you  feel  ashamed 
to  take  back  what  is  left  of  your  dollar.  If  you  are 
a  grapefruit  faddist  your  breakfast  costs  a  quarter 
more.  Or  if  you  are  rich  and  don't  know  any  better 
you  can  take  sweetened  grapefruit,  breakfast  food 
smothered  with  sugar,  an  omelette  with  jelly,  melted 
butter  on  toast,  coffee  sweetened  into  syrup,  griddle 
cakes  served  with  honey  and  milk,  and  Apollinaris 
to  wash  it  all  down,  and  can  spend  a  couple  of  dollars 
and  lay  up  disease  for  the  future,  as  the  lady  and  gen- 
tleman across  from  me  were  doing.  I  had  a  fine  large 
piece  of  broiled  white  fish,  with  Saratoga  potatoes, 


372  BACK 

cornbread,  two  cups  of  coffee  and  a  pitcher  of  hot 
milk,  all  for  eighty  cents,  less  than  double  the  price 
of  a  common  restaurant  breakfast." 

"You  have  to  pay  something  to  keep  the  wheels 
going  around,"  he  remarked. 

"Yes,  and  for  the  comfort  and  convenience/'  I 
answered.  "It's  worth  it.  You  can  get  chops  for 
fifty  cents,  a  tenderloin  steak  for  sixty-five  cents,  or 
eggs  for  twenty  cents." 

The  old  man's  eyes  opened  wider  and  he  began  to 
swallow  saliva  as  I  continued: 

"They  have  a  fine  list  of  specials  on  the  bill  of  fare 
this  morning:  Spanish  omelette,  hashed  chicken  with 
poached  eggs,  shad's  roe  with  bacon,  and  a  lot  of 
dainty  dishes  at  popular  prices." 

He  put  down  his  cigar  and  said,  "I  say,  stranger, 
I'm  getting  hungry  for  something  good  to  eat,  even 
if  I  don't  know  what  tastes  good.  I  believe  I'll  go  in 
and  try  it." 

When  he  came  back  I  asked  him  if  he  had  had  a 
good  breakfast. 

"Yes,  I  had  breakfast,"  he  said,  and  maintained  a 
gloomy  silence. 

Whether  my  glowing  description  had  led  him  to 
expect  too  much,  or  whether  the  prices  were  unsatis- 
factory, or  whether  he  had  been  taken  with  one  of  his 
facetious  attacks  and  had  gotten  himself  into  trouble 
with  the  decorous  and  decorative  dining-car  conduc- 
tor, or  whether  his  domestic  troubles  had  gained  the 
ascendency  and  spoiled  his  breakfast,  or  whether  a 
good  meal  did  not  agree  with  him  as  well  as  a  good 


TRAVELING  NORTH  373 

drink,  or  whether  it  was  getting  too  far  past  the  time 
for  another  "smile,"  or  what  not,  I  could  not  ascer- 
tain. So  I  left  him  alone  with  his  full  stomach  and 
empty  bottle  and  went  to  my  seat  in  the  sleeper. 

When  I  returned  a  little  later  he  was  saying  to  two 
men  who  were  smoking  with  him : 

"Gentlemen,  I  can't  help  speaking  of  it.  I  have 
been  buried  in  the  pine  woods  for  three  months  and 
am  now  going  home  to  bury  my  wife.  Oh,  it's  hard! 
Where's  the  porter?  I  must  have  another  drink." 

We  tried  to  dissuade  him  and  refused  to  join  him, 
but  he  got  his  drink  in  spite  of  our  efforts. 

"It's  hard,  gentlemen.  I  remember  how  when  my 
mother  died,  my  father  called  my  brother  and  me  to 
him  and  said,  'Boys,  your  mother  is  dying.  She'll 
never  sit  at  the  table  with  us  again,  never  again.' 
And  to  think  that  now  I  am  going  home  to  tell  my 
boys  the  same  thing.  Oh,  it's  hard!  I  must  have  an- 
other drink.  I  can't  stand  it." 

His  voice  was  broken  with  emotion  and  his  eyes 
full  of  tears  as  he  tried  to  persuade  us  to  take  a  drink 
with  him,  but  he  had  to  take  one  alone.  We  had  no 
excuse  for  getting  drunk.  We  could  not  say,  Joliet 
like,  "Drinking  is  such  sweet  sorrow,  that  I  shall 
keep  on  drinking  till  it  be  morrow." 

By  noon  he  had  taken  five  drinks  that  I  knew  of, 
besides  having  finished  his  own  bottle  before  break- 
fast, and  was  again  telling  jokes.  He  had  a  specific 
remedy  for  grief. 

The  old  man  was  a  true  American  in  his  feelings 
and  actions.  He  had  hesitated  about  paying  a  dollar 


374 

for  a  breakfast  on  wheels  with  its  flying  luxuries, 
and  was  not  ashamed  to  be  frugal  in  his  diet,  yet  had 
spent  more  than  a  dollar  since  breakfast  for  drinks, 
and  had  offered  to  "treat"  like  a  prince.  And  the 
fact  that  he  was  on  his  way  home  to  the  bedside  of  a 
dying  wife  was  not  sufficient  even  temporarily  to  break 
up  his  drinking  habit.  Surely  we  Americans  are 
creatures  of  habit,  especially  of  the  treating  habit, 
which  leads  to  the  drinking  habit.  We  are  the  most 
hospitable  people  in  the  world.  In  other  countries 
people  treat  and  entertain  for  a  purpose;  we  do  so 
without  a  purpose. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

Did  You  Have  a  Pleasant  Trip? 

Home  at  Last — Too  much  Tropics — The  Hold-up — Ex- 
plaining about  It  at  Home,  per  Telephone,  at  the  Hos- 
pital, at  the  Office — The  Time  of  My  Life — An  Exhaust- 
ing Office  Hour — Easier  to  Stay  at  Home — A  Formu- 
lated Answer — Its  Nauseating  Repetition — Talking  It 
over  with  Another  Victim. 

I  arrived  at  home  late  in  the  afternoon  tired  out 
mentally  by  six  weeks  of  discomfort  and  change  of 
habits,  and  weakened  physically  by  bodily  inactivity 
and  continuous  tropical  heat.  Even  the  enjoyment 
of  the  medical  meetings  was  associated  with  loss  of 
sleep  and  overwork  of  the  digestive  organs,  and  did 
nothing  to  rest  the  mind  or  invigorate  the  body. 
I  was  in  that  excitable  state  of  mind  that  usually  accom- 
panies an  impoverished  state  of  blood  in  active  people. 
And  when  my  wife  asked  me  if  I  had  had  a  pleas- 
ant trip  I  had  to  go  into  considerable  unpleasant  detail 
to  enable  her  to  ask  me  why  I  went. 

By  the  time  I  had  divested  myself  of  the  dust  and 
dilapidation  of  travel,  my  son,  who  was  as  large  as  I, 
but  not  as  old,  came  home  and  startled  me  with  the 
information  that  he  had  been  held  up  by  two  footpads 
at  eleven  o'clock  the  night  before  on  the  corner  of 
Drexel  Boulevard  and  Forty-sixth  Street. 

375 


376  BACK 

"How  dared  you?"  I  exclaimed.  "And  within 
half  a  block  of  home.  How  did  you  do  it?" 

"Oh,  it  was  easy  enough.  I  ran  up  against  the  muz- 
zle of  a  pistol  and  they  did  the  rest." 

"But  you  should  not  have  done  it — you  are  too 
young.  I  am  two  and  a  half  times  as  old  as  you,  and 
I  haven't  done  it  yet.  /  never  ran  up  to  two  footpads 
on  a  deserted  boulevard  at  1 1  P.  M.  One  should  always 
reserve  such  experiences  for  the  future.  Don't  you 
know  that  it's  dangerous  to  get  frightened  in  that 
way?" 

"Oh,  7  wasn't  frightened.  They  were  frightened. 
They  were  in  such  haste  to  run  away  that  they  only 
took  my  carfare  and  pocketbook." 

"So  they  took  your  carfare,  your  last  nickel.  It  was 
a  mean  trick.  They  ought  to  have  been  shot." 

"No;  they  were  quite  decent  and  friendly.  When 
I  asked  them  to  give  back  my  fraternity  meal  ticket, 
which  was  all  my  pocketbook  contained,  they  said 
'Sure!'  and  handed  it  out  to  me.  They  did  not  even 
take  my  fraternity  pin  which  was  in  plain  sight." 

"Good  for  them!  Fraternities  originated  among 
thieves,  as  fraternity  methods  indicate.  They  showed, 
however,  that  there  is  something  good  about  frater- 
nities by  sharing  your  pocketbook  with  you.  I  sup- 
pose that  they  also  returned  your  watch  ?" 

"No;  they  didn't  find  it  for  I  do  not  carry  my  fob 
by  night.  In  their  hurry  they  forgot  to  feel  of 
the  watch  pocket  in  my  pants." 

"Don't  say  pants,  Heath;  say  trousers.  Or,  if  you 
will  talk  Dago,  say  pantaloons.  Pants  and  panties  are 


DID  YOU  HAVE  A  PLEASANT  TRIP        377 

undignified  abbreviations.  One  would  think  that  you 
had  been  fraternizing  with  footpads  all  of  your  life." 

"And  they  did  not  discover  my  ring,  which  was 
concealed  by  my  glove." 

"Well,  my  son,  now  that  you  have  accomplished 
your  object  in  coming  home  so  late  of  nights,  I  hope 
that  you  will  consider  that  you  have  no  further  excuse 
for  making  the  street  pavements  work  by  night  as 
well  as  by  day.  And  I  trust  you  will  also  profit  by 
the  example  of  your  fraternal  footpads  never  to  do 
things  in  a  hurry,  even  when  you  are  doing  wrong. 
How  did  you  get  away  from  them?" 

"They  told  me  to  hand  over  my  bills.  But  when 
they  learned  that  receipted  bills  were  the  only  kind 
I  had,  they  told  me  to  run.  I  said  'Sure !'  and  ran. 
And  they  ran  in  the  opposite  direction  as  fast  as  they 
could.  I  ran  to  Forty-seventh  Street  and  saw  a  po- 
liceman as  far  away  as  I  could  see  toward  Fiftieth 
Street,  walking  toward  me." 

"Well,  I  congratulate  you,"  I  said,  growing  calmer 
as  I  realized  that  he  had  had  a  useful  experience,  one 
that  is  not  vouchsafed  to  every  college  boy.  "You  are 
smarter  than  your  father ;  your  business  horizon  is  not 
bounded  by  the  payment  of  bills.  You  came  out  ahead 
in  your  bargain  with  the  footpads;  you  gave  them  a 
nickel  and  they  gave  you  a  meal  ticket.  Keep  on 
getting  the  better  of  people  and  you  will  die  rich.  I 
discovered  the  method  too  late  to  adopt  it  as  a  prin- 
ciple. If  I  had  my  life  to  live  over  again,  I  would 
take  a  lesson  from  you.  But  don't  forget  to  profit  by 
this  experience,  viz.,  to  wear  gloves  when  you  wear  a 


378  BACK 

ring,  and  to  spend  all  but  your  carfare  before  coming 
home  at  night." 

He  then  asked  me  if  I  had  had  a  nice  time  while 
away.  After  I  had  explained  to  him  that  I  had  not 
derived  as  much  of  a  sensation  from  my  six  weeks 
and  hundreds  of  dollars  as  he  had  from  his  five  min- 
utes and  a  nickel,  my  younger  son  arrived  and  asked 
me  the  same  question,  and  thus  made  another  expla- 
nation necessary. 

Dinner  was  then  ready.  After  dinner  my  married 
daughter  called  up  my  wife  by  telephone  and  asked 
her  if  I  had  had  a  pleasant  trip.  My  wife  answered: 

"Oh,  yes;  but  he  is  very  tired.  Traveling  is  so 
tiresome,  etc.,  etc.,"  and  thus  evaded  a  direct  answer. 
She  couldn't  tell  a  lie,  and  she  wouldn't  tell  the  truth. 

A  little  later  Doctor  Doering  called  me  up  and 
asked  me  if  I  had  had  a  pleasant  trip.  I  explained 
in  detail  how  storms  at  sea  and  the  inevitable  and 
invariable  miscalculations  and  misconnections  of 
Southern  travel  had  interfered  more  or  less  with  the 
accomplishment  of  the  objects  of  my  medico-social 
holiday  enterprise. 

The  next  morning  I  stopped  at  the  Woman's  Hos- 
pital and  met  Doctor  Martin,  the  great  medical  hand- 
shaker, at  the  hall  door.  He  stepped  up  to  me  with 
a  radiant  accentuated  smile,  shook  me  thoroughly 
and  said: 

"Why,  hello,  Byford!  Did  you  have  a  pleasant 
trip?" 

He  had  me  by  the  hand  and  is  stronger  than  he 
looks.  Hence  I  could  not  quickly  get  away,  and  pro- 


DID  YOU  HAVE  A  PLEASANT  TRIP         379 

ceeded  to  explain  that  I  had  seen  the  place  where  it 
was  thought  that  the  canal  was  going  to  be  dug,  and 
where  it  was  thought  that  the  meeting  of  the  Medical 
Congress  had  been  held,  and  was  more  or  less  satis- 
fied with  my  trip,  particularly  with  the  getting  back 
end  of  it. 

After  a  few  other  evasive  answers,  applauded  by 
genuine  shakes,  I  escaped  from  his  grip  and  ran  al- 
most into  the  arms  of  the  housekeeper.  She  stopped 
a  minute,  looked  at  me  with  animated  eyes  and  an  ex- 
pansive smile  and  said: 

"Why,  Doctor  By  ford,  how  do  you  do  ?  Did  you 
have  a  pleasant  trip?" 

"Why — y-yes,  very  pleasant — that  is — considering 
that  I  had  to  be  away  from  the  hospital  and  my  work. 
Very  pleasant,  but  quite  warm  and  sunshiny,  thank 
you." 

I  escaped  up  stairs,  but  Doctor  Steele  stood  grin- 
ning at  the  top.  "Why,  how  are  you,  Byford?  Did 
you  have  a  pleasant  trip?" 

"Yes,  of  course.  It  was  a  great  success  and  I  got 
back  safely.  I  met  the  Panama  women  and  the  Pan- 
apa  men  and  saw  the  site  of  the  Panamanana  canal 
and  many  other  strange  sights." 

I  hurried  away  toward  the  wards  as  if  very  busy, 
although  I  had  but  one  patient  in  the  hospital.  She 
was  there  when  I  left  for  Panama,  and  had  apparently 
waited,  womanlike,  to  ask  me  the  question,  for  there 
seemed  to  be  nothing  else  the  matter  with  her.  But 
she  paid  me  for  my  answer  and  was  welcome  to  it. 

Before  I  could  escape  from  the  building  Doctor 


380  BACK 

Paddock  caught  sight  of  me  in  time  to  stop  me.  He 
slowed  up  for  a  good  talk,  and  exclaimed  in  his  hail- 
f ellow-well-metest  manner : 

"Why,  Byford,  how  are  you,  old  fellow?  Did  you 
have  a  pleasant  trip?" 

I  threw  up  my  right  hand  in  Patrick  Henry  style 
and  cried  as  I  rushed  by  him  toward  the  door: 

''Did  I?  I  had  the  time  of  my  life,  the  very  time 
of  my  life!  Ha,  ha!" 

I  shot  out  of  the  door,  lost  my  footing,  and  slid 
all  the  way  down  the  icy  iron  steps,  reckless  of  life  and 
limb,  and  was  off  for  my  office.  It  is  strange  how  one 
will  forget  one's  dignity  and  risk  one's  life  for  things 
and  people  that  don't  pay.  One  should  never  lose 
one's  patience,  or  one's  equilibrium  in  a  hurry. 

At  the  office  the  young  lady  attendant  greeted  me 
effusively  (more  so,  I  thought,  than  the  mere  fact 
that  I  had  come  to  keep  my  regular  office  hour  really 
called  for),  and  wanted  to  know  if  I  had  had  a  pleas- 
ant trip. 

"The  time  of  my  life ;  the  very  loveliest  time  of  my 
life,"  I  said,  and  locked  myself  in  my  private  room. 

On  account  of  having  returned  later  than  I  had 
announced,  I  had  an  unusually  large  number  of  pa- 
tients that  morning.  Each  one  delayed  me  at  the  end 
of  the  consultation  by  politely  and  kindly  asking  the 
question.  Evidently  they  considered  it  a  sort  of  tail 
or  tale  to  the  consultation,  as  a  dessert  belongs  to  a 
dinner  or  a  wag  to  a  dog. 

Before  I  had  gotten  through  with  my  patients  Doc- 
tor Isham  caught  a  glimpse  of  me  as  I  ushered  one 


DID  YOU  HAVE  A  PLEASANT  TRIP        381 

of  them  out,  and  rushed  into  me  and  shook  my  hand 
with  the  spontaneous  cordiality  of  true  politeness.  He 
said  that  he  did  not  wish  to  take  up  my  time  while 
patients  were  waiting,  but  just  wanted  to  ask  me  if  I 
had  had  a  pleasant  trip. 

"Why,  sir,"  I  said  jubilantly,  "I  just  had  the  time  of 
my  life,  that's  all.  Banquets,  highballs  and  fancy 
balls  enough  to  drown  us  and  bury  us  and  decorate 
our  graves.  The  Panamanians  spent  $25,000  on 
twenty-five  of  us  in  four  days,  and  seven  of  the  twen- 
ty-five were  from  Chicago.  Chicago  got  a  third,  and 
probably  more.  In  short,  we  had  a  hot  time.  If  you 
don't  believe  it,  go  to  Panama  next  Christmas  and  find 
out." 

After  thus  beating  time  for  a  while  longer  I  got 
him  out.  When  I  had  taken  the  "dessert"  with  my  last 
patient  I  felt  quite  exhausted,  for,  as  I  have  intimated 
before,  life  in  the  tropics  thins  the  blood  and  softens 
the  muscles,  and  thus  had  diminished  my  powers  of 
endurance.  While  there  I  had  not  felt  the  need  of 
good  blood  and  firm  muscles,  but  upon  assuming  ac- 
tive duties  in  zero  weather  I  missed  them.  When, 
therefore,  I  started  for  home  I  was  in  a  neurasthenic, 
irritable  state  of  mind.  As  I  passed  through  the  re- 
ception-room the  sister  of  the  office  attendant,  who 
happened  to  be  there,  smiled  and  bowed  to  me  and 
wanted  to  know  if  I  had  had  a  pleasant  trip. 

"What's  that?"  I  said,  less  ceremoniously  than  I 
intended. 

"Did  you  have  a  pleasant  trig,  Doctor?" 

"Oh — why  certainly.    Why  not?    Do  you  suppose," 


382  BACK 

I  said  gaily,  as  I  backed  toward  the  door,  "that  I 
could  travel  2,400  miles  and  spend  $25,000  in  four 
days  without  having  a  pleasant  trip?  Just  spend 
$25,000  and  travel  2,400  miles  in  four  days  and  you'll 
know  what  a  pleasant  trip  I  had;  you'll  have  the  time 
of  your  life.  Then  every  one  will  ask  you  if  you  had 
a  pleasant  trip,  and  you'll  have  the  time  of  your  life 
again.  Good  day." 

And  so  for  several  days  my  life  was  dominated  by 
this  conventionality  of  polite  speech.  It  would  have 
been  much  easier  to  have  staid  at  home  than  to  have 
gone  through  what  I  had,  viz.,  five  days  of  sickness 
on  the  S.  S.  Limon;  one  night  on  the  seasick  Italian 
steamship;  nearly  two  weeks  in  the  blood-hot  city 
of  Panama,  dodging  mosquitoes  and  not  daring  to 
light  the  candle  in  my  bedroom,  laboriously  tucking 
in  the  mosquito  bar  all  around  every  night  in  the  dark, 
and  hiding  under  it  for  three  hours  in  the  middle  of 
each  day ;  perspiring  continuously ;  bathing  in  a  wash- 
bowl; forced  to  eat  and  drink  two  banquets  daily, 
that  kept  me  thin ;  treating  and  being  treated  to  high- 
balls half  a  dozen  times  daily,  that  made  me  sick; 
being  cheated  by  Chinamen,  that  made  me  ashamed; 
having  to  see  a  brave  rooster  murdered  and  a  tame 
bull  tortured  and  assassinated;  spending  a  week 
stowed  away  in  the  S.  S.  Brighton,  while  rocked  by 
the  trade-winds,  tossed  by  a  "norther"  and  bedeviled 
by  insomnia ;  becalmed  for  twelve  hours  between  New 
Orleans  and  Chicago;  losing  a  bunch  of  keys,  two 
umbrellas,  five  handkerchiefs,  my  railroad  ticket,  a 
ten-dollar  bill  and  a  necktie  fastener;  being  caught 


DID  YOU  HAVE  A  PLEASANT  TRIP        383 

fifty-five  times  in  the  rain  and  once  in  the  water, — and 
then  having  to  write  a  book  about  it.  But  to  be  asked 
forty  times  a  day  for  forty  days,  "Did  you  have  a  pleas- 
ant trip  ?"  cured  me  of  all  desire  for  travel.  Travel  and 
travail  are  of  the  same  origin.  The  next  time  I  want 
to  go  to  Panama  I  will  stay  at  home  and  read  about  it, 
and  then  talk  about  it.  Let  others  who  care  to  go,  read 
my  book  instead.  The  book  isn't  half  as  bad  as  the 
trip,  and  nobody  will  ask  them  about  it,  and  thus  they 
will  not  be  obliged  to  tell  lies  about  it.  In  order  to  clear 
my  conscience  for  all  time,  I  formulated  an  answer 
that  I  chose  not  to  consider  a  lie.  I  replied  to  every- 
body thus,  "Pleasant  trip?  Why,  I  had  the  time  of 
my  life.  Read  my  book  about  it — 'tis  just  like  it." 

But  even  the  repetition  of  the  formula  became  as 
nauseating  as  forty  squabs  (or  squalls)  in  forty  days, 
and  I  sometimes  made  myself  ridiculous  by  invent- 
ing uncompromising  variations.  But  finally  I  learned 
to  be  patient,  and  now  feel  that  my  trip  to  the  tropics 
was  worth  while,  for  it  finished  the  development  of 
my  character.  I  have  become  a  man  of  patience,  and 
say  nothing  whenever  I  feel  as  if  I  ought  to  talk 
back. 

I  met  Doctor  Brower  on  the  street  one  day  and 
asked  him  if  he  had  had  a  pleasant  trip.  He  stopped 
breathing  for  a  second  and  looked  at  me  queerly,  but 
finally  smiled. 

"Byford,  do  you  know,  I  have  heard  that  remark 
before." 

"Shake!"  said  I.  "Misery  loves  company.  I  sup- 
pose that  you  have  become  a  confirmed  liar  by  this 


384  BACK 

time,  and  are  writing  a  text-book  full  of  lies  and  bad 
advice." 

"Well,  it's  terribly  monotonous,"  he  answered,  "to 
have  to  repeat  to  every  one  you  meet  what  a  fine  time 
you  have  had.  But  our  trip  was  not  such  a  very  bad 
one  after  all." 

"What?  Come  now,  you  don't  have  to  lie  to  me. 
You're  overdoing  it.  Beware  of  the  lying  habit." 

"Well,  it  wasn't  very  sweet  but  it  was  short.  You 
ought  to  travel  with  Doctor  Senn  to  the  North  Pole, 
Lake  Baikal,  Vladivostok,  tropical  India,  and  every 
other  God-forsaken  place  on  the  footstool.  You'd 
consider  this  trip  an  interesting  little  nightmare  to  be 
laughed  at  and  forgotten,  when  compared  with  the 
prolonged  punishment  of  trotting  around  the  globe 
after  Senn,  whose  legs  are  made  of  solid  steel.  But 
I've  done  with  Senn  as  a  traveling  companion.  His 
notion  of  joy  and  mine  are  constitutionally  different. 
Something  is  wrong  with  his  idea  of  enjoyment.  I 
can't  diagnose  his  case  because  he  has  no  nerves. 
There's  something  uncanny  about  him.  He  can't  be 
discouraged,  killed  or  made  seasick.  I've  no  patience 
with  him."