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UNIVERSITY  OF  TORONTO 


Presented  to  the 
EDWARD  JOHNSON  Music  LIBRARY 

by 
Dr.  Boyd  Neel 


Planquette,  Robert 

Les  Cloches  de  Corneville 


UNIVERSITY  OF  TORONTO 


Presented  to  the 
EDWARD  JOHNSON  Music  Li 

by 

Dr.  Boyd  Neel 


UTOPIA 

LIMITED 


OR, 


THE    FLOWERS    OF    PROGRESS. 


BY 


W.  S.  GILBERT 


AND 


ARTHUR  SULLIVAN^ 


PRICE.  ONE  SHILLING, 


CHAPPELL  &  CO.,  Ltd. 

SO,  NEW  BOND  STREET,  LONDON,  W.I. 
NEW  YORK    —     SYDNEY 

*21558 


All  Rights  under  the  Copyright  Act,  1911,  and  the  International 
Copyright  Conventions  are  reserved.  Applications  for  the  right  of 
performing  the  above  Opera,  including  the  use  of  band  parts,  must  be 
made  to  Rupert  D'Oyly  Carte,  Savoy  Hotel,  London,  W.C.  2. 


MADE  IN  ENGLAND. 

CH 

^RARY 

UTOf  IATFR- 

LIMITED 


THE  FLOWERS  OF  PR 


gramatis 

KINO  PARAMOUNT  THE  FIRST King  of  Utopia 

jrHANTm  \ 

o  I  Judge*  of  the  Utopian  Supreme  Court 

TARARA     The  Public  Exploder 

CALYNX     The  Utopian  Vice-Chamberlain 

IMPORTED  FLOWERS  OF  PROGRESS. 

LORD  DRAMALEIGH         A  British  Lord  Chamberlain 

CAPTAIN  FITZBATTLEAXE First  Life  Guards 

CAPTAIN   SIR  EDWARD  CORCORAN,  K.C.B.        Of  (he  Royal  Navy 
MR.    GOLDBURY A  Company  Promoter 

Afterwards  Comptroller  of  the  Utopian  Household 
SIR  BAILEY  BARRE,  Q.C.,  M.P. 
MR.   BLUSHINOTON         Of  the  County  Council 


THE  PRINCESS  ZARA       ...      Eldest  Daughter  of  King  Paramount 

THE  PRINCESS  NEKAYAI 

THE  PRINCESS  KALYBA  \  " '  Her  Youn°er  8ui9n 

THE  LADY  SOPHY  Their  English  Gouvernante 

SALATA  } 

MELENE  >  ...         ••*         •••         •••         ••••         •••      Utopian  Maidens 

PHYLLA  j 


ACT    I. — A  UTOPIAN  PALM  GROVE. 

ACT  II. — THRONE  ROOM  IN  KINO  PARAMOUNT 's  PALACE. 


UTOPIA 

LIMITED 

OR 

THE  FLOWERS  OF  PROGRESS. 


ACT  I. 

SCENE. — A  Utopian  Palm  Grove  in  the  garden  of  KING  PARA- 
MOUNT'S  Palace,  showing  a  picturesque  and  luxuriant  Tropical 
landscape,  with  the  sea  in  the  distance.  SALATA,  MELENE,  PHYLLA, 
and  other  Maidens  discovered,  lying  lazily  about  the  stage  and 
thoroughly  enjoying  themselves  in  lotos-eating  fashion. 

OPENING  CHOKUS. 

In  lazy  languor — motionless, 
We  lie  and  dream  of  nothingness; 

For  visions  come 

From  Poppydom 

Direct  at  our  command 
Or,  delicate  alternative, 
In  open  idleness  we  live, 

With  lyre  and  lute 

And  silver  flute, 

The  life  of  Lazyland ! 

SOLO.— PHYLLA. 
The  song  of  birds 

In  ivied  towers; 

The  rippling  play 
Of  waterway; 
The  lowing  herds; 

The  breath  of  flowers; 

The  languid  loves 
Of  turtle  doves — 
These  simple  joys  are  all  at  hand 
Upon  thy  shores,  0  Lazyland! 

CHORUS. 
In  lazy  languor,  &c. 


Enter  CALYNX. 

CALYNX.  Good  news!  Great  news!  His  Majesty's  eldest 
daughter,  Princess  Zara,  who  left  our  shores  five  years  since  to 
go  to  England — the  greatest,  the  most  powerful,  the  wisest 
country  in  the  world — has  taken  a  high  degree  at  Girton,  and  is 
on  her  way  home  again,  having  achieved  a  complete  mastery  over 
all  the  elements  that  have  tended  to  raise  that  glorious  country 
to  her  present  pre-eminent  position  among  civilized  nations ! 

SALATA.  Then  in  a  few  months  Utopia  may  hope  to  be  com- 
pletely Anglicized? 

CAL.     Absolutely  and  without  a  doubt. 

MELENE  (lazily}.  We  are  very  well  as  we  are.  Life  without  a 
care — every  want  supplied  by  a  kind  and  fatherly  monarch,  who, 
despot  though  he  be,  has  no  other  thought  than  to  make  his 
people  happy — what  have  we  to  gain  by  the  great  change  that  is 
in  store  for  us? 

SAL.  What  have  we  to  gain?  English  institutions,  English 
tastes,  and  oh,  English  fashions  I 

CAL.  England  has  made  herself  what  she  is  because,  in  that 
favoured  land,  everyone  has  to  think  for  himself.  Here  we  have 
no  need  to  think,  because  our  monarch  anticipates  all  our  wants, 
and  our  political  opinions  are  formed  for  us  by  the  journals  to 
which  we  subscribe.  Oh,  think  how  much  more  brilliant  this 
dialogue  would  have  been,  if  we  had  been  accustomed  to  exercise 
our  reflective  powers !  They  say  that  in  England  the  conversation 
of  the  very  meanest  is  a  coruscation  of  impromptu  epigram ! 

Enter  TARARA  in  a  great  rage. 

TARARA.     Lalabalele  talala !     Callabale  lalabalica  falahle ! 
CAL.  (horrified).    Stop — stop,  I  beg!     (All  the  ladies  close  their 
ears.) 

TARARA.  Callamalala  galalate!  Caritalla  lalabalee  kallalale 
poo! 

LADIES.     Oh,  stop  him  !  stop  him ! 

CAL.  My  Lord,  I'm  surprised  at  you.  Are  you  not  aware  that 
His  Majesty,  in  his  despotic  acquiescence  with  the  emphatic  wish 
of  his  people,  has  ordered  that  the  Utopian  language  shall  be 
banished  from  his  court,  and  that  all  communications  shall  hence- 
forward be  made  in  the  English  tongue? 

TARARA.  Yes,  I'm  perfectly  aware  of  it,  although — (suddenly 
presenting  an  explosive  "  cracker  ").  Stop — allow  me. 

CAL.   (pulls  it.)     Now,  what's  that  for? 


TARARA.  Why,  I've  recently  been  appointed  Public  Exploder 
to  His  Majesty,  and  as  I'm  constitutionally  nervous,  I  must 
accustom  myself  by  degrees  to  the  startling  nature  of  my  duties. 
Thank  you.  I  was  about  to  say  that  although,  as  Public  Exploder, 
I  am  next  in  succession  to  the  throne,  I  nevertheless  do  my  best 
to  fall  in  with  the  royal  decree.  But  when  I  am  over-mastered  by 
an  indignant  sense  of  overwhelming  wrong,  as  I  am  now,  I  slip 
into  my  native  tongue  without  knowing  it.  I  am  told  that  in 
the  language  of  that  great  and  pure  nation,  strong  expressions  do 
not  exist,  consequently  when  I  want  to  let  off  steam  I  have  no 
alternative  but  to  say,  "  Lalabalele  molola  lililah  kallalale  poo!  " 

CAL.     But  what  is  your  grievance  ? 

TARARA.  This — by  our  Constitution  we  are  governed  by  a  Despot 
who,  although  in  theory,  absolute — is,  in  practice,  nothing  of  the 
kind — being  watched  day  and  night  by  two  Wise  Men  whose  duty 
it  is,  on  his  very  first  lapse  from  political  or  social  propriety,  to 
denounce  him  to  me,  the  Public  Exploder,  and  it  then  becomes 
my  duty  to  blow  up  His  Majesty  with  dynamite — allow  me  (pre- 
senting a  cracker  which  CALYNX  pulls),  thank  you — and,  as  some 
compensation  to  my  wounded  feelings,  I  reign  in  his  stead. 

CAL.  Yes.  After  many  unhappy  experiments  in  the  direction 
of  an  ideal  Republic,  it  was  found  that  what  may  be  described  as 
a  Despotism  tempered  by  Dynamite  provides,  on  the  whole,  the 
most  satisfactory  description  of  ruler — an  autocrat  who  dares  not 
abuse  his  autocratic  power. 

TARARA.  That's  the  theory — but  in  practice,  how  does  it  act? 
Now,. do  you  ever  happen  to  see  the  Palace  Peeper?  (producing  a 
"  Society  "  Paper). 

CAL.     Never  even  heard  of  the  journal. 

TARARA.  I'm  not  surprised,  because  His  Majesty's  agents 
always  buy  up  the  whole  edition;  but  I  have  an  aunt  in  the 
publishing  department,  and  she  has  supplied  me  with  a  copy. 
Well,  it  actually  teems  with  circumstantially  convincing  details  of 
the  King's  abominable  immoralities!  If  this  high-class  journal 
may  be  believed,  His  Majesty  is  one  of  the  most  Heliogabalian 
profligates  that  ever  disgraced  an  autocratic  throne!  And  do 
these  Wise  Men  denounce  him  to  me  ?  Not  a  bit  of  it !  They 
wink  at  his  immoralities!  Under  the  circumstances  I  really 
think  I  am  justified  in  exclaiming  "  Lalabalele  molola  lililah  kala- 
balele  poo!  "  (all  horrified.)  I  don't  care— the  occasion  demands 

[Exit  TARARA. 
March.     Enter  Guard,  escorting  SCAPHIO  and  PHAKTIS. 


CHOKUS. 

0  make  way  for  the  Wise  Men  1 
They  are  prizemen — 
Double-first  in  the  world's  university  1 
For  though  lovely  this  island, 

(Which  is  my  land), 

She  has  no  one  to  match  them  in  her  city. 
They're  the  pride  of  Utopia — 

Cornucopia 

Is  each  in  his  mental  fertility. 
O  they  never  make  blunder, 

And  no  wonder, 
For  they're  triumphs  of  infallibility. 

DUET. — SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS. 

In  every  mental  lore, 

(The  statement  smacks  of  vanity), 
We  claim  to  rank  before 

The  wisest  of  humanity. 
As  gifts  of  head  and  heart 

We  wasted  on  "  utility," 
We're  "  cast  "  to  play  a  part 

Of  great  responsibility. 

Our  duty  is  to  spy 

Upon  our  King's  illicities, 
And  keep  a  watchful  eye 

On  all  his  eccentricities. 
If  ever  a  trick  he  tries 

That  savours  of  rascality, 
At  our  decree  he  dies 

Without  bhe  least  formality. 

We  fear  no  rude  rebuff, 

Or  newspaper  publicity; 
Our  word  is  quite  enough, 

The  rest  is  electricity. 
A  pound  of  dynamite 

Explodes  in  his  auriculars: 
It's  not  a  pleasant  sight — 

We'll  spare  you  the  particulars. 

It's  force  all  men  confess, 

The  King  needs  no  admonishing — 

We  may  say  its  success 

Is  something  quite  astonishing. 


Our  despot  it  imbues 

With  virtues  quite  delectable; 

He  minds  his  P's  and  Q's,— 
And  keeps  himself  respectable. 

Of  a  tyrant  polite 
He's  a  paragon  quite. 
He's  as  modest  and  mild 
In  his  ways  as  a  child; 
And  no  one  ever  met 
With  an  autocrat,  yet, 
So  delightfully  bland 
To  the  least  in  the  land ! 

So  make  way  for  the  wise  men,  &c. 
Exeunt  all  but  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS.     PHANTIS  is  pensive. 

SCA.  Phantis,  you  are  not  in  your  customary  exuberant  spirits 
What  is  wrong  ? 

PHAN.  Scaphio,  I  think  you  once  told  me  that  you  have  never 
loved? 

SCA.  Never  1  I  have  often  marvelled  at  the  fairy  influence 
which  weaves  its  rosy  web  about  the  faculties  of  the  greatest  and 
wisest  of  our  race;  but  I  thank  Heaven  I  have  never  been  sub- 
jected to  its  singular  fascination.  For,  0  Phantis!  there  is  that 
within  me  that  tells  me  that  when  my  time  does  come,  the  convul- 
sion will  be  tremendous!  When  /  love,  it  will  be  with  the 
accumulated  fervour  of  sixty-six  years !  But  I  have  an  ideal — a 
semi-transparent  Being,  filled  with  an  inorganic  pink  jelly — and  I 
have  never  yet  seen  the  woman  who  approaches  within  measurable 
distance  of  it.  All  are  opaque — opaque — opaque  ! 

PHAN.  Keep  that  ideal  firmly  before  you,  and  love  not  until 
you  find  her.  Though  but  fifty-five,  I  am  an  old  campaigner  in 
the  battle-fields  of  Love;  and.  believe  me,  it  is  better  to  be  as 
you  are,  heart-free  and  happy^,  than  as  I  am — eternally  racked 
with  doubting  agonies !  Scaphio,  the  Princess  Zara  returns  from 
England  to-day ! 

SCA.     My  poor  boy,  I  see  it  all. 

PHAN.  Oh,  Scaphio,  she  is  so  beautiful.  Ah!  you  smile,  for 
you  have  never  seen  her.  She  sailed  for  England  three  months 
before  you  took  office. 

SCA.     Now  tell  me,  is  your  affection  requited? 
PHAN.     I  do  not  know — I  am  not  sure.     Sometimes  I  think  it 
is,  and  then  come  these  torturing  doubts !     I  feel  sure  that  she 


8 

does  not  regard  me  with  absolute  indifference,  for  she  could  never 
look  at  me  without  having  to  go  to  bed  with  a  sick  headache. 

SCA.  That  is  surely  something.  Come,  take  heart,  boy!  you 
are  young  and  beautiful.  What  more  could  maiden  want? 

PHAN.  Ah !  Scaphio,  remember  she  returns  from  a  land  where 
every  youth  is  as  a  young  Greek  god,  and  where  such  poor  beauty 
as  I  can  boast  is  seen  at  every  turn. 

SCA.  Be  of  good  cheer  1  Marry  her,  boy,  if  so  your  fancy 
wills,  and  be  sure  that  love  will  come. 

PHAN.  (overjoyed).     Then  you  will  assist  me  in  this? 

SCA.  Why,  surely!  Silly  one,  what  have  you  to  fear?  We 
have  but  to  say  the  word,  and  her  father  must  consent.  Is  he  not 
our  very  slave?  Come,  take  heart.  I  cannot  bear  to  see  you  sad. 

PHAN.  Now  I  may  hope,  indeed!  Scaphio,  you  have  placed 
me  on  the  very  pinnacle  of  human  joy ! 

DUET. — SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS. 

SCA.  Let  all  your  doubts  take  wing — 

Our  influence  is  great. 
If  Paramount  our  King 
Presume  to  hesitate, 
Put  on  the  screw, 

And  caution  him 
That  he  will  rue 

Disaster  grim 
That  must  ensue 

To  life  and  limb, 
Should  he  pooh-pooh 

This  harmless  whim. 

BOTH.  This  harmless  whim — this  harmless  whim, 

It  is,  as  <           V.  say,  a  harmless  whim. 

PHAN.  (dancing).          Observe  this  dance 

Which  I  employ 
When  I,  by  chance, 

Go  mad  with  joy. 
What  sentiment 

Does  this  express? 

(PHANTIS  continues  his  dance  while  SCAPHIO  vainly  endeavours 
to  discover  its  meaning.) 

Supreme  content 

And  happiness! 


9 

BOTH.  And  happiness — and  happiness — 

Of  course  it  does — and  happiness ! 

PHAN.  Your  friendly  aid  conferred, 

I  need  no  longer  pine. 
I've  but  to  speak  the  word, 
And  lo !  the  maid  is  mine  t 
I  do  not  choose 

To  be  denied. 
Or  wish  to  lose 

A  lovely  bride — 
If  to  refuse 

The  King  decide, 
The  Royal  shoes 

Then  woe  betide  I 

BOTH.  Then  woe  betide — then  woe  betide 

The  Royal  shoes  then  woe  betide ! 

SCA.  (dancing).  This  step  to  use 

I  condescend 
Whene'er  I  choose 

To  serve  a  friend. 
What  it  implies 

Now  try  to  guess; 

[ScA.  continues  his  dance  while  PHANTIS  is  vainly  endeavouring  to 
discover  its  meaning.] 

It  typifies 

Unselfishness ! 

BOTH  (dancing).  Unselfishness!    Unselfishness! 

Of  course  it  does — unselfishness  1 
This  step  to  use 
We  condescend!  &c. 

[Exeunt  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS. 

March.     Enter  KING  PARAMOUNT  attended  by  guards  and  nobles 
and  preceded  by  girls  dancing  before  him. 

CHORUS. 

Quaff  the  nectar — cull  the  roses — 

Gather  fruit  and  flowers  in  plenty ! 

For  our  King  no  longer  poses — 
Sing  the  songs  of  far  niente ! 


10 


Wake  the  lute  that  sets  us  lilting, 
Dance  a  welcome, to  each  comer; 

Day  by  day  our  year  is  wilting — 

Sing  the  sunny  songs  of  summer ! 
La,  la,  la,  la! 


SONG.— KINO. 

A  King  of  autocratic  power  we — 

A  despot  whose  tyrannic  will  is  law — 
Whose  rule  is  paramount  o'er  land  and  sea, 

A  Presence  of  unutterable  awe  1 
But  though  the  awe  that  I  inspire 
Must  shrivel  with  imperial  fire 

All  foes  whom  it  may  chance  to  touch, 
To  judge  by  what  I  see  and  hear, 
It  does  not  seem  to  interfere 

With  popular  enjoyment,  much. 

CHORUS.  No,  no — it  does  not  interfere 

With  our  enjoyment  much. 

EECIT.— KING 

My  subjects  all,  it  is  your  wish  emphatic 
That  all  Utopia  shall  henceforth  be  modelled 
Upon  that  glorious  country  called  Great  Britain—- 
To which  some  add — but  others  do  not — Ireland. 

ALL.  It  is ! 

KINO.          That  being  so,  as  you  insist  upon  it, 

We  have  arranged  that  our  two  younger  daughters 
Who  have  been  "  finished  "  by  an  English  Lady — 

(tenderly)   A  grave,  and  good,  and  gracious  English  Lady — 
Shall  daily  be  exhibited  in  public, 
That  all  may  learn  what,  from  the  English  stand-point, 
Is  looked  upon  as  mainly  perfection  1 
Come  hither,  daughters  I 

Enter  NEEAYA  and  KALYBA.  They  are  twins,  about 
fifteen  years  old;  they  are  very  modest  and  demure 
in  their  appearance,  dress,  and  manner.  They 
stand  with  their  hands  folded  and  their  eyes  cast 
down. 


11 

CHORUS. 

flow  fair  1  how  modest  1  how  discreet 
How  bashfully  demure  I 

See  how  they  blush,  as  they've  been  taught, 

At  this  publicity  unsought  1 
How  English  and  how  pure ! 

DUET. — NEKAYA  and  KALYBA. 

BOTH.          Although  of  native  maids  the  cream, 

We're  brought  up  on  the  English  scheme — 
.  The  best  of  all 
For  great  and  small 

Who  modesty  adore. 

NBX.  For  English  girls  are  good  as  gold, 

Extremely  modest  (so  we're  told), 
Demurely  coy — divinely  cold — 
KAL.  And  we  are  that — and  more. 

To  please  papa,  who  argues  thus — 
All  girls  should  mould  themselves  on  us 
Because  we  are 
By  furlongs  far 

The  best  of  all  the  bunch, 
We  show  ourselves  to  loud  applause 
From  ten  to  four  without  a  pause — 
NEK.  Which  is  an  awkward  time  because 

It  cuts  into  our  lunch. 

BOTH.  Oh,  maids  of  high  and  low  degree, 

Whose  social  code  is  rather  free, 
Please  look  at  us  and  you  will  see 
Wljat  good  young  ladies  ought  to  be  I 
NEK.  And  as  we  stand,  like  clockwork  toys, 

A  lecturer  whom  papa  employs 
Proceeds  to  praise 
Our  modest  ways 

And  guileless  character — 
KAL.  Our  well-known  blush — our  downcast  eyes — 

Our  famous  look  of  mild  surprise 
NEK.  (Which  competition  still  defies) — 

KAL.  Our  celebrated  "  Sir! ! !  " 

Then  all  the  crowd  take  down  our  looks 
In  pocket  memorandum  books. 
To  diagnose  Our  modest  pose 

The  Kodaks  do  their  best : 


12 

NEK.  If  evidence  you  would  possess 

Of  what  is  maiden  bashfulness, 
You  only  need  a  button  press — 

KAL.  And  we  do  all  the  rest. 

Enter  LADY  SOPHY — an  English  lady  of  mature  years  and 
extreme  gravity  of  demeanour  and  dress.  She  carries 
a  lecturer's  wand  in  her  hand.  She  is  led  on  by  the 
KINO,  who  expresses  great  regard  and  admiration  for 
her. 

RECIT.— LADY  SOPHY. 

This  morning  we  propose  to  illustrate 
A  course  of  maiden  courtship,  from  the  start 
To  the  triumphant  matrimonial  finish. 
(Through  the  following  song  the  two  princesses  illustrate 
in  gesture  the  description  given  by  LADY  SOPHY.) 

SONG.— LADY  SOPHY. 

Bold-faced  ranger 

(Perfect  stranger) 
Meets  two  well-behaved  young  ladies. 

He's  attractive, 

Young  and  active — 
Each  a  little  bit  afraid  is. 

Youth  advances, 

At  his  glances 
To  their  danger  they  awaken ; 

They  repel  him 

As  they  tell  him 
He  is  very  much  mistaken. 
Though  they  speak  to  him  politely, 
Please  observe  they're  sneering  slightly, 
Just  to  show  he's  acting  vainly. 
This  is  Virtue  saying  plainly, 

Go  away,  young  bachelor, 

We  are  not  what  you  take  us  for!  " 
When  addressed  impertinently, 
English  ladies  answer  gently, 

"  Go  away,  young  bachelor, 

We  are  .not  what  you  take  us  for!  " 

As  he  gazes, 
Hat  he  raises, 
Enters  into  conversation. 


13 


Makes  excuses — 

This  produces 
Interesting  agitation. 

He,  with  daring, 

Undespairing, 
Gives  his  card — his  rank  discloses — 

Little  heeding 

This  proceeding, 
They  turn  up  their  little  noses. 
Pray  observe  this  lesson  vital — 
When  a  man  of  rank  and  title 
His  position  first  discloses, 
Always  cock  your  little  noses. 

When  at  home,  let  all  the  class 

Try  this  in  the  looking-glass. 
English  girls  of  well-bred  notions, 
Shun  all  unrehearsed  emotions, 

English  girls  of  highest  class 

Practise  them  before  the  glass. 

His  intentions 

Then  he  mentions. 
Something  definite  to  go  on — 

Makes  recitals 

Of  his  titles, 
Hints  at  settlements,  and  so  on. 

Smiling  sweetly, 

They,  discreetly, 
Ask  for  further  evidences  : 

Thus  invited, 

He,  delighted, 
Gives  the  usual  references. 
This  is  business.     Each  is  flattered 
When  the  offer's  fairly  uttered. 

Which  of  them  has  his  affection?  " 
He  declines  to  makes  selection. 

Do  they  quarrel  for  his  dross? 

Not  a  bit  of  it — they  toss! 
Please  observe  this  cogent  moral — 
English  ladies  never  quarrel. 

When  a  doubt  they  come  across, 

English  ladies  always  toss 


14 

KECIT.— LADY  SOPHY. 

The  lecture's  ended,     la  ten  minutes'  space 
'Twill  be  repeated  in  the  market-place ! 
[Exit  LADY  SOPHY,  followed  by  NEKAYA  and  KALYBA. 

CHORUS. 
Quaff  the  nectar — cull  the  roses — 

Bashful  girls  will  soon  be  plenty  ! 
Maid  who  thus  at  fifteen  poses 
Ought  to  be  divine  at  twenty  ! 

[Exit  CHORUS.     Manet  KING. 

KING.  I  requested  Scaphio  and  Phantis  to  be  so  good  as  to 
favour  me  with  an  audience  this  morning.  (Enter  SCAPHIO  and 
PHANTIS.)  Oh,  here  they  are  ! 

SCA.  Your  Majesty  wished  to  speak  with  us,  I  believe.  You — 
you  needn't  keep  your  crown  on,  on  our  account,  you  know. 

KING.  I  beg  your  pardon  (removes  it).  I  always  forget  that! 
Odd,  the  notion  of  a  King  not  being  allowed  to  wear  one  of  his 
own  crowns  in  the  presence  of  two  of  his  own  subjects. 

PHAN.     Yes — bizarre,  is  it  not? 

KING.     Most  quaint.     But  then  it's  a  quaint  world. 

PHAN.  Teems  with  quiet  fun.  I  often  think  what  a  lucky 
thing  it  is  that  you  are  blessed  with  such  a  keen  sense  of  humour ! 

KING.  Do  you  know,  I  find  it  invaluable.  Do  what  I  will,  1 
cannot  help  looking  at  the  humorous  side  of  things — for,  properly 
considered,  everything  has  its  humorous  side — even  the  Palace 
Peeper  (producing  it).  See  here — "  Another  Royal  Scandal,"  by 
Junius  Junior.  "  How  long  is  this  to  last?  "  by  Senex  Senior. 
"  Ribald  Royalty,"  by  Mercury  Major.  "  Where  is  the  Public 
Exploder?  "  by  Mephistopheles  Minor.  When  I  reflect  that  all 
these  outrageous  attacks  on  my  morality  are  written  by  me,  at 
your  command — well,  it's  one  of  the  funniest  things  that  have 
come  within  the  scope  of  my  experience. 

SCA.  Besides,  apart  from  that,  they  have  a  quiet  humour  of 
their  own  which  is  simply  irresistible. 

KING  (gratified).  Not  bad,  I  think.  Biting,  trenchant  sarcasm 
— the  rapier,  not  the  bludgeon — that's  my  line.  But  then  it's  so 
easy — I'm  such  a  good  subject — a  Bad  King  but  a  good  Subject 
— ha !  ha ! — a  capital  heading  for  next  week's  leading  article ! 
(makes  a  note).  And  then  the  stinging  little  paragraphs  about 
our  Royal  goings-on  with  our  Royal  Second  Housemaid — delicately 
sub-acid,  are  they  not? 

SCA.  My  dear  King,  in  that  kind  of  thing  no  one  can  hold  a 
candle  to  you. 


15 

PHAN.  But  the  crowning  joke  is  the  Comic  Opera  you've 
written  for  us — "  King  Tuppence,  or  A  Good  deal  Less  than  Half 
a  Sovereign  " — in  which  the  celebrated  English  tenor,  Mr. 
Wilkinson,  burlesques  your  personal  appearance  and  gives 
grotesque  imitations  of  your  Eoyal  peculiarities.  It's  immense! 

KING.  Ye — es — That's  what  I  wanted  to  speak  to  you  about. 
Now  I've  not  the  least  doubt  but  that  even  that  has  its  humorous 
side,  too — if  one  could  only  see  it.  As  a  rule,  I'm  pretty  quick  at 
detecting  latent  humour — but  I  confess  I  do  not  quite  see  where  it 
comes  in,  in  this  particular  instance.  It's  so  horribly  personal ! 

SCA.  Personal?  Yes,  of  course  it's  personal — but  consider  the 
antithetical  humour  of  the  situation. 

KINO.     Yes.     I — I  don't  think  I've  quite  grasped  that. 

SCA.  No?  You  surprise  me.  Why  consider.  During  the  day 
thousands  tremble  at  your  frown,  during  the  night  (from  8  to  11) 
thousands  roar  at  it.  During  the  day  your  most  arbitrary  pro- 
nouncements are  received  by  your  subjects  with  abject  submission 
— during  the  night,  they  shout  with  joy  at  your  most  terrible 
decrees.  It's  not  every  monarch  who  enjoys  the  privilege  of 
undoing  by  night  all  the  despotic  absurdities  he's  committed 
during  the  day. 

KINO.  Of  course !  Now  I  see  it  1  Thank  you  very  much  I 
was  sure  it  had  its  humorous  side,  and  it  was  very  dull  of  me  not 
to  have  seen  it  before.  But,  as  I  said  just  now,  it's  a  quaint 
world. 

PHAN.     Teems  with  quiet  fun. 

KINO.  Yes.  Properly  considered,  what  a  farce  life  is,  to  be 
Burel 

SONG— KINO. 

First  you're  born — and  I'll  be  bound  you 
Find  a  dozen  strangers  round  you. 
"  Hallo,"  cries  the  new-born  baby, 
4  Where's  my  parents?  which  may  they  be? 

Awkward  silence — no  reply — 

Puzzled  baby  wonders  why  ! 
Father  rises,  bows  politely — 
Mother  smiles,  (but  not  too  brightly) — 
Doctor  mumbles  like  a  dumb  thing — 
Nurse  is  busy  mixing  something. — 

Every  symptom  tends  to  show 

You're  decidedly  de  trop — 


16 

ALL.  Ho!  ho    ho!  ho!  ho!  ho!  ho!  ho! 

Time's  teetotum, 

If  you  spin  it 
Gives  its  quotum 

Once  a  minute. 

I'll  go  bail 

You  hit  the  nail, 

And  if  you  fail 

The  deuce  is  in  it ! 

You  grow  up,  and  you  discover 
What  it  is  to  be  a  lover. 
Some  young  lady  is  selected — 
Poor,  perhaps,  but  well-connected, 

Whom  you  hail  (for  Love  is  blind) 
As  the  Queen  of  fairy  kind. 
Though  she's  plain — perhaps  unsightly, 
Makes  her  face  up — laces  tightly, 
In  her  form  your  fancy  traces 
All  the  gifts  of  all  the  graces. 
Eivals  none  the  maiden  woo, 
So  you  take  her  and  she  takes  you ! 

ALL.  Ho !  ho !  ho  1  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho ! 

Joke  beginning, 

Never  ceases 
Till  your  inning 

Time  releases, 
On  your  way 
You  blindly  stray, 
And  day  by  day 

The  joke  increases ! 

Ten  years  later — Time  progresses — 
Sours  your  temper — thins  your  tresses; 
Fancy,  then,  her  chain  relaxes ; 
Rates  are  facts  and  so  are  taxes. 

Fairy  Queen's  no  longer  young — 
Fairy  Queen  has  got  a  tongue. 
Twins  have  probably  intruded — 
Quite  unbidden — just  as  you  did — 
They're  a  source  of  care  and  trouble. 
Just  as  you  were — only  double. 

Comes  at  last  the  final  stroke — 
Time  has  had  his  little  joke  I 


17 

ALL  Ho  1  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho  t 

Daily  driven 
(Wife  as  drover) 
111  you've  thriven — 
Ne'er  in  clover 
Lastly,  when 
Three-score  and  ten 
(And  not  till  then), 

The  joke  is  over ! 

Ho  I  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho !  ho ! 
Then — and  then 

The  joke  is  overl 

[Exeunt  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS.     Manet  KINO. 

KINO  (putting  on  his  crown  again).  It's  all  very  well.  I  always 
like  to  look  on  the  humorous  side  of  things ;  but  I  do  not  think  I 
ought  to  be  required  to  write  libels  on  my  own  moral  character. 
Naturally,  I  see  the  joke  of  it — anybody  would — but  Zara's  coming 
home  to-day;  she's  no  longer  a  child,  and  I  confess  I  should  not 
like  her  to  see  my  Opera — though  it's  uncommonly  well  written; 
and  I  should  be  sorry  if  the  Palace  Peeper  got  into  her  hands — 
though  it's  certainly  smart — very  smart  indeed.  It  is  almost  a 
pity  that  I  have  to  buy  up  the  whole  edition,  because  it's  really  too 
good  to  be  lost.  And  Lady  Sophy — that  blameless  type  of  perfect 
womanhood !  Great  Heavens,  what  would  she  say  if  the  Second 
Housemaid  business  happened  to  meet  her  pure  blue  eye ! 

Enter  LADY  SOPHY. 

LADY  S.    My  monarch  is  soliloquizing.    I  will  withdraw  (going). 

KING.  No — pray  don't  go.  Now  I'll  give  you  fifty  chances, 
and  you  won't  guess  whom  I  was  thinking  of. 

LADY  S.  Alas,  sir,  I  know  too  well.  Ah !  King,  it's  an  old, 
old  story,  and  I'm  well  nigh  weary  of  it!  Be  warned  in  time— 
from  my  heart  I  pity  you,  but  I  am  not  for  you  !  (going). 

KING.     But  hear  what  I  have  to  say. 

LADY  S.  It  is  useless.  Listen.  In  the  course  of  a  long  and 
adventurous  career  in  the  principal  European  Courts,  it  has  been 
revealed  to  me  that  I  unconsciously  exercise  a  weird  and  super- 
natural fascination  over  all  Crowned  Heads.  So  irresistible  is 
this  singular  property,  that  there  is  not  a  European  Monarch 
who  has  not  implored  me,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  to  quit  his 
kingdom,  and  take  my  fatal  charms  elsewhere.  As  time  was 
getting  on  it  occurred  to  me  that  by  descending  several  pegs  in 


18 

the  scale  of  Respectability  I  might  qualify  your  Majesty  for  my 
hand.  Actuated  by  this  humane  motive  and  happening  to 
possess  Respectability  enough  for  Six,  I  consented  to  confer 
Respectability  enough  for  Four  upon  your  two  younger  daughters 
— but  although  I  have,  alas,  only  Respectability  enough  for  Two 
left,  there  is  still,  as  I  gather  from  the  public  press  of  this  country 
(producing  the  Palace  Peeper),  a  considerable  balance  in  my 
favour. 

KINO  (aside).  Da — I  (Aloud.)  May  I  ask  how  you  came  by 
this? 

LADY  S.  It  was  handed  to  me  by  the  officer  who  holds  the 
position  of  Public  Exploder  to  your  Imperial  Majesty. 

KINO.  And  surely,  Lady  Sophy,  surely  you  are  not  so  unjust 
as  to  place  any  faith  in  the  irresponsible  gabble  of  the  Society 
press! 

LADY  S.  (referring  to  paper).  I  read  on  the  authority  of  Senex 
Senior  that  your  Majesty  was  seen  dancing  with  your  Second 
Housemaid  on  the  Oriental  Platform  of  the  Tivoli  Gardens.  That 
is  untrue  ? 

KINO.     Absolutely.     Our  Second  Housemaid  has  only  one  leg. 
LADY  S.  (suspiciously).    How  do  you  know  that? 
KINO.     Common  report,  I  give  you  my  honour. 

LADY  S.  It  may  be  so.  I  further  read — and  the  statement  is 
vouched  for  by  no  less  an  authority  than  Mephistopheles  Minor 
— that  your  Majesty  indulges  in  a  bath  of  hot  rum-punch  every 
morning.  I  trust  I  do  not  lay  myself  open  to  the  charge  of  dis- 
playing an  indelicate  curiosity  as  to  the  mysteries  of  the  royal 
dressing-room  when  I  ask  if  there  is  any  foundation  for  this 
statement  ? 

KING.  None  whatever.  When  our  medical  adviser  exhibits 
rum-punch  it  is  as  a  draught,  not  as  a  fomentation.  As  to  our 
bath,  our  valet  plays  the  garden  hose  upon  us  every  morning. 

LADY  S.  (shocked).  Oh,  pray— pray  spare  me  these  unseemly 
details.  Well,  you  are  a  Despot— have  you  taken  steps  to  slay 
this  scribbler? 

KING.     Well,  no— I  have  not  gone  so  far  as  that.     After  all 
it  s  the  poor  devil's  living,  you  know. 

LADY  S.  It  is  the  poor  devil's  living  that  surprises  me  If 
this  man  lies  there  is  no  recognized  punishment  that  is 
sufficiently  terrible  for  him. 


19 

KING.  That's  precisely  it.  I — I  am  •waiting  until  a  punish- 
ment is  discovered  that  will  exactly  meet  the  enormity  of  the 
case.  I  am  in  constant  communication  with  the  Mikado  of 
Japan,  who  is  a  leading  authority  on  such  points;  and,  moreover, 
I  have  the  ground  plans  and  sectional  elevations  of  several 
capital  punishments  in  my  desk  at  this  moment.  Oh,  Lady 
Sophy,  as  you  are  powerful,  be  merciful! 

DUET.— KINO  and  LADY  SOPHY. 

KING.          Subjected  to  our  heavenly  gaze 

(Poetical  phrase), 
My  brain  is  turned  completely. 
Observe  me  now, 
No  Monarch,  I  vow, 

Was  ever  so  far  afflicted ! 
LADY  S.      I'm  pleased  with  that  poetical  phrase, 

"  A  heavenly  gaze," 
But  though  you  put  it  neatly. 
Say  what  you  will, 
These  paragraphs  still 

Kemain  uncontradicted. 
Come,  crush  me  this  contemptible  worm 

(A  forcible  term), 
If  he's  assailed  you  wrongly. 
The  rage  display, 
Which,  as  you  say, 

Has  moved  your  Majesty  lately. 
KING  Though  I  admit  that  forcible  term, 

"  Contemptible  worm," 
Appeals  to  me  most  strongly, 
To  treat  this  pest 
As  you  suggest 

Would  pain  my  Majesty  greatly 
LADY  S.  This  writer  lies! 

KING.  Yes,  bother  his  eyes! 

LADY  S.  He  lives,  you  say  ? 

KING.  In  a  sort  of  way. 

LADY  S.  Then  have  him  shot. 

KING.  Decidedly  not. 

LADY  S  Or  crush  him  flat. 

KING  I  cannot  do  that. 


20 

BOTH.  0  royal  Bex, 

r    TIT..  ^ 

.    blameless  sex 
Abhors  such  conduct  shady. 
.   plead  in  vain, 

iU  >  never  will  gain 
Respectable  English  lady! 
[Dance  of  repudiation  by  LADY  SOPHY.     Exit,  followed 
by  KING.] 

March.  Enter  all  the  Court,  heralding  the  arrival  of  the 
PRINCESS  ZARA,  who  enters,  escorted  by  CAPTAIN  FITZBATTLEAXE 
and  four  troopers,  all  in  the  full  uniform  of  the  First  Life  Guards. 

CHORUS. 

Oh,  maiden,  rich 

In  Girton  lore, 
That  wisdom  which 

We  prized  before, 
We  do  confess 
Is  nothingness, 
And  rather  less, 

Perhaps,  than  more. 
On  each  of  us 

Thy  learning  shed. 
On  calculus 

May  we  be  fed. 
And  teach  us,  please, 
To  speak  with  ease 
All  languages, 

Alive  and  dead! 

SOLO — PRINCESS  and  CHORUS. 

ZARA.           Five  years  have  flown  since  I  took  wing — 

Time  flies,  and  his  footstep  ne'er  retards- 
I'm  the  eldest  daughter  of  your  king. 
TROOPERS.  And  we  are  her  escort — First  Life  Guards  ' 

On  the  royal  yacht, 

When  the  waves  were  white, 
In  a  helmet  hot 

And  a  tunic  tight, 
And  our  great  big  boots, 
We  defied  the  storm : 


21 

For  we're  not  recruits, 

And  his  uniform 

A  well-drilled  trooper  ne'er  discards — 
And  we  are  her  escort — First  Life  Guards ! 

ZARA.          These  gentlemen  I  present  to  you, 

The  pride  and  boast  of  their  barrack-yards; 
They've  taken  0  such  care  of  me! 
TROOPERS.       For  we  are  her  escort — First  Life  Guards ! 
When  the  tempest  rose, 

And  the  ship  went  ao — 
Do  you  suppose 

We  were  ill  ?    No,  no  1 
Though  a  qualmish  lot 

In  a  tunic  tight, 
And  a  helmet  hot, 

And  a  breastplate  bright 
(Which  a  well-drilled  trooper  ne'er  discards). 
We  stood  as  her  escort — First  Life  Guards ! 

FULL  CHORUS. 

Knightsbridge  nursemaids — serving  fairies — 
Stars  of  proud  Belgravian  airies; 
At  stern  duty's  call  you  leave  them, 
..  Though  you  know  how  that  must  grieve  them  I 
ZARA.          Tantantarara-rara-rara ! 
(3 A PT.FITZ.  Trumpet-call  of  Princess  Zara! 
CHORUS.      That's  trump-call,  and  they're  all  trump  cards — 
They  are  her  escort — First  Life  Guards ! 


ENSEMBLE. 


CHORUS. 


LADIES.       Knightsbridge   nurse- 
maids, &c. 
MEN.     When  soldier  seeks,  &c. 


PRINCESS  ZARA  and  FITZBATTLE- 

AXE  (aside) 

Oh !  the  hours  are  gold, 
And  the  joys  untold, 


When  my  eyes  behold 

My  beloved  Princess; 
And  the  years  will  seem 
But  a  brief  day  dream, 
In   the  joy   extreme 

Of  our  happiness! 
FULL  CHORUS.     Knightsbridge  nursemaids,  serving  fairies,  &c. 

KINO,  PRINCESSES  NEKAYA  and  KALYBA,  and  LADY  SOPHY 

As  the  KINO  enters  the  escort  present  arms. 
KINO.     Zara  I  my  beloved  daughter !     Why,  how  well  you  look 
and  how  lovely  you  have  grown !  (embraces  her). 


22 

ZARA.  My  dear  father!  (embracing  him).  And  my  two  beauti- 
ful little  sisters  1  (embracing  them). 

NEK.     Not  beautiful. 

KAL.     Nice  looking. 

ZARA.  But  first  let  me  present  to  you  the  English  warrior  who 
commands  my  escort,  and  who  has  taken,  0!  such  care  of  me 
during  the  voyage — Captain  Fitzbattleaxe ! 

TROOPERS.  The  First  Life  Guards. 

When  the  tempest  rose, 
And  the  ship  went  so — 

(CAPT.  FITZBATTLEAXE  motions  them  to  be  silent.  The 
Troopers  place  themselves  in  the  four  corners  of  the 
stage,  standing  at  ease,  immovably,  as  if  on  sentry. 
Each  is  surrounded  by  an  admiring  group  of  young 
ladies,  of  whom  they  take  no  notice. 

KING  (to  CAPT.  FITZ.).  Sir,  you  come  from  a  country  where 
every  virtue  flourishes.  We  trust  that  you  will  not  criticise  too 
severely  such  shortcomings  as  you  may  detect  in  our  semi- 
barbarous  society. 

FITZ.  (looking  at  ZARA).  Sir,  I  have  eyes  for  nothing  but  the 
blameless  and  the  beautiful. 

KING.  We  thank  you — he  is  really  very  polite !  (LADY  SOPHY, 
who  has  been  greatly  scandalized  by  the  attentions  paid  to  the 
Lifeguardsmen  by  the  young  ladies,  marches  the  PRINCESSES 
NEKAYA  and  KALYBA  towards  an  exit.)  Lady  Sophy,  do  not  leave 
us. 

LADY  S.  Sir,  your  children  are  young,  and,  so  far,  innocent. 
If  they  are  to  remain  so,  it  is  necessary  that  they  be  at  once 
removed  from  the  contamination  of  their  present  disgraceful 
surroundings.  (She  marches  them  off.) 

KING  (whose  attention  has  thus  been  called  to  the  proceedings 
of  the  young  ladies — aside).  Dear,  dear!  They  really  shouldn't. 
(Aloud.)  Captain  Fitzbattleaxe — 

FITZ.     Sir. 

KING.  Your  Troopers  appear  to  be  receiving  a  troublesome 
amount  of  attention  from  those  young  ladies.  I  know  how  strict 
you  English  soldiers  are,  and  I  should  be  extremely  distressed  if 
anything  occurred  to  shock  their  puritanical  British  sensitiveness. 

FITZ.     Oh,  I  don't  think  there's  any  chance  of  that. 
KING.     You  think  not?    They  won't  be  offended? 


23 

FITZ.  Oh  no!  They  are  quite  hardened  to  it.  They  get  a 
good  deal  of  that  sort  of  thing,  standing  sentry  at  the  Horse 
Guards. 

KINO.     It's  English,  is  it? 

FITZ.     It's  particularly  English. 

KINO.  Then,  of  course,  it's  all  right.  Pray  proceed,  ladies, 
it's  particularly  English.  Come,  my  daughter,  for  we  have  much 
to  say  to  each  other. 

ZARA.  Farewell,  Captain  Fitzbattleaxe !  I  cannot  thank  you 
too  emphatically  for  the  devoted  care  with  which  you  have 
watched  over  me  during  our  long  and  eventful  voyage. 

DUET. — ZARA  and  CAPTAIN  FITZBATTLEAXE. 
ZARA.          Ah !  gallant  soldier,  brave  and  true 

In  tented  field  and  tourney, 
I  grieve  to  have  occasioned  you 

So  very  long  a  journey. 
A  British  soldier  gives  up  all — 

His  home  and  island  beauty — 
When  summoned  by  the  trumpet-call 

Of  Regimental  Duty ! 
ALL.  Tantantarara-rara-rara ! 

Trumpet-call  of  Princess  Zara  I 

ENSEMBLE. 
MEN.  FITZBATTLEAXE  and  ZARA  (aside) 


A  British  warrior  gives  up  all, 


&c. 


LADIES. 


Knightsbridge  nursemaids,   &c. 


Oh  my  joy,  my  pride, 
My  delight  to  hide, 
Let  us  sing,  aside, 

What  in  truth  we  feel. 


Let  us  whisper  low 

Of  our  love's  glad  glow, 

Lest  the  truth  we  show 

We  would  fain  conceal. 
FITZ.  Such  escort  duty,  as  his  due, 

To  young  Lifeguardsman  falling 
Completely  reconciles  him  to 

His  uneventful  calling 
When  soldier  seeks  Utopian  glades 

In  charge  of  Youth  and  Beauty, 
Then  pleasure  merely  masquerades 
As  Regimental  Duty ! 

ALL.  Tantantarara-rara-rara ! 

Trumpet-call  of  Princess  Zara! 


24 

ENSEMBLE. 


CHORUS. 

MEN. 
A  British  warrior,  &c. 

WOMEN. 
Knightsbridge  nursemaids,  &c. 


FITZBATTLEAXE  and  ZARA  (aside). 

Oh  the  hours  are  gold 
And  the  joys  untold 
When  my  eyes  behold 

My  beloved  Princess, 
And  the  year  will  seem 


But  a  brief  day-dream 
In  the  joy  extreme 

Of  our  happiness  1 
[Exeunt  KING  and  PRINCESS  in  one  direction,  Lifeguards- 
men  and  crowd  in  opposite  direction.  Enter,  at 
back,  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS,  who  watch  the  PRINCESS 
as  she  goes  off.  SCAPHIO  is  seated,  shaking  violently, 
and  obviously  under  the  influence  of  some  strong 
emotion . 

PHAN.  There — tell  me,  Scaphio,  is  she  not  beautiful?  Can 
you  wonder  that  I  love  her  so  passionately? 

SCA.  No.  She  is  extraordinarily  miraculously  lovely !  Good 
heavens,  what  a  singularly  beautiful  girl! 

PHAN.     I  knew  you  would  say  so ! 

SCA.  What  exquisite  charm  of  manner!  What  surprising 
delicacy  of  gesture!  Why  she's  a  goddess!  a  very  goddess! 

PHAN.  (rather  taken  aback).  Yes — she's — she's  an  attractive 
girl. 

SCA.  Attractive?  Why  you  must  be  blind!  She's  entrancing 
— enthralling ! — intoxicating  I  (aside).  God  bless  my  heart,  what's 
the  matter  with  me? 

PHAN.  (alarmed).  Yes.  You — you  promised  to  help  me  to 
get  her  father's  consent,  you  know. 

SCA.  Promised !  Yes,  but  the  convulsion  has  come,  my  good 
boy!  It  is  she — my  ideal!  Why,  what's  this?  (staggering). 
Phantis!  Stop  me — I'm  going  mad — mad  with  the  love  of  her! 

PHAN.  Scaphio,  compose  yourself,  I  beg.  The  girl  is  perfectly 
opaque !  Besides,  remember — each  of  us  is  helpless  without  the 
other.  You  can't  succeed  without  my  consent,  you  know. 

SCA.  And  you  dare  to  threaten?  Oh  ungrateful!  When  you 
came  to  me.  palsied  with  love  for  this  girl,  and  implored  my 
assistance,  did  I  not  unhesitatingly  promise  it?  And  this  is  the 
return  you  make?  Out  of  my  sight,  ingrate!  (Aside.)  Dear! 
dear!  what  is  the  matter  with  me? 


25 

Enter  CAPT.  FITZBATTLEAXB  and  ZARA. 

ZARA.     Dear  me.     I'm  afraid  we  are  interrupting  a  tete-a-tete. 

SCA.  (breathlessly).  No,  no.  You  come  very  appropriately. 
To  be  brief,  we — we  love  you — this  man  and  I — madly — 
passionately ! 

ZARA.     Sir ! 

SCA.  And  we  don't  know  how  we  are  to  settle  which  of  us  is 
to  marry  you. 

FITZ.     Zara,  this  is  very  awkward. 

SCA.  (very  much  overcome).  I — I  am  paralyzed  by  th;  singular 
radiance  of  your  extraordinary  loveliness.  I  know  I  am  incoherent. 
I  never  was  like  this  before — it  shall  not  occur  again.  I — shall 
be  fluent,  presently. 

ZARA.  (aside).  Oh,  dear,  Captain  Fitzbattleaxe,  what  f«  to  be 
done? 

FITZ.  (aside).  Leave  it  to  me — I'll  manage  it.  (aloud)  It's  a 
common  situation.  Why  not  settle  it  in  the  English  fashion? 

BOTH.     The  English  fashion?    What  is  that? 

FITZ.  It's  very  simple.  In  England,  when  two  gentlemen  are 
in  love  with  the  same  lady,  and  until  it  is  settled  which  gentleman 
is  to  blow  out  the  brains  of  the  other,  it  is  provided,  by  the  Rival 
Admirers'  Clauses  Consolidation  Act,  that  the  lady  shall  be 
entrusted  to  an  officer  of  Household  Cavalry  as  stakeholder,  who 
is  bound  to  hand  her  over  to  the  survivor  (on  the  Tontine  prin- 
ciple) in  a  good  condition  of  substantial  and  decorative  repair. 

SCA.     Reasonable  wear  and  tear  and  damages  by  fire  excepted? 

FITZ.     Exactly. 

PHAN.  Well,  that  seems  very  reasonable.  (To  SCAPHIO.) 
What  do  you  say — Shall  we  entrust  her  to  this  officer  of  House- 
hold Cavalry?  It  will  give  us  time. 

SCA.  (trembling  violently).  I — I  am  not  at  present  in  a 
condition  to  think  it  out  coolly — but  if  he  fa  an  officer  of  House- 
hold Cavalry,  and  if  the  Princess  consents 

ZARA.  Alas,  dear  sirs,  I  have  no  alternative — under  the  Rival 
Admirers'  Clauses  Consolidation  Act! 

FITZ.     Good — then  that's  settled. 

QUARTETTE. 

FITZBATTLEAXE,  ZARA,  SCAPHIO,  and  PHANTIS. 
FITZ.  It's  understood,  I  think,  all  round 

That,  by  the  English  custom  bound, 
I  hold  the  lady  safe  and  sound 
In  trust  for  either  rival, 


26 


Until  you  clearly  testify 

By  sword  or  pistol,  by  and  bye, 

Which  gentleman  prefers  to  die, 

And  which  prefers  survival. 
ENSEMBLE. 


SCA.  and  PHAN. 

It's  clearly  understood,  all  round, 
That,  by  your  English  custom  bound, 
He  holds  the  lady  safe  and  sound 

In  trust  for  either  rival, 
Until  we  clearly  testify 
By  sword  and  pistol,  by  and  bye, 
Which  gentleman  prefers  to  die, 

And  which  prefers  survival. 


ZARA  and  FITZ.  (aside). 

We  stand,  I  think,  on  safish  ground, 
Our  senses  weak  it  will  astound 
If  either  gentleman  is  lound 

Prepared  to  meet  his  rival. 
Their  machinations  we  defy ; 
We  won't  be  parted,  you  and  I — 
Of  bloodshed  each  is  rather  shy — 

They  both  prefer  survival ! 


PHAN.  If  I  should  die  and  he  should  live, 

(aside  to  FITZ.).  To  you,  without  reserve,  I  give 

Her  heart  so  young  and  sensitive, 
And  all  her  predilections. 

SCA.  If  he  should  live  and  I  should  die, 

(aside  to  FITZ.).  I  see  no  kind  of  reason  why 

You  should  not,  if  you  wish  it,  try 

To  gain  her  young  affections. 
ENSEMBLE. 


SCA.  and  PHAN   (angrily  to  each  other). 

If  I  should  die  and  you  should,  live, 
To  this  young  officer  I  give 
Her  heart  so  soft  and  sensitive, 

And  all  her  predilections. 
If  you  should  live  and  I  should  die, 
I  see  no  kind  reason  why 
He  should  not,  if  he  chooses,  try 

To  win  her  young  affections. 


FITZ.  and  ZARA.  (aside), 

As  both  of  us  are  positive 

That  both  of  them  intend  to  live, 

There's  nothing  in  the  case  to  give 

Us  cause  for  grave  reflections. 
As  both  will  live  and  neither  die 
I  see  no  kind  of  reason  why 
I  should  not,  if  I  wish  it,  try 

To  gain  your  young  aftections ! 


[Exeunt  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS  together. 
DUET. — ZARA  and  FITZBATTLEAXE. 

ENSEMBLE. 
Oh  admirable  art ! 

Oh  neatly-planned  intention ! 
Oh  happy  intervention — 

Oh  well-constructed  plot! 
When  sages  try  to  part 

Two  loving  hearts  in  fusion, 
Their  wisdom's  a  delusion, 

And  learning  serves  them  not ! 
Until  quite  plain 

Is  their  intent, 
These  sages  twain 

I  represent. 
Now  please  infer 

That,  nothing  loth, 
You're  henceforth,  as  it  were, 
Engaged  to  marry  both — 


27 

Then  take  it  that  I  represent  the  two — 
On  that  hypothesis,  what  would  you  do? 
ZARA  (aside).  What  would  I  do?  what  would  I  do? 
ZARA.  In  such  a  case, 

Upon  your  breast, 
My  blushing  face 

I  think  I'd  rest —    (doing  so.) 
Then  perhaps  I  might 

Demurely  say — 
"  I  find  this  breastplate  bright 

Is  sorely  in  the  way!  " 
That  is,  supposing  it  were  true 
That  I'm  engaged  to  both — and  both  were  you! 

ENSEMBLE. 
Our  mortal  race 

Is  never  blest — 
There's  no  such  case 

As  perfect  rest ; 
Some  petty  blight 

Asserts  its  sway — 
Some  crumpled  roseleaf  light 
Is  always  in  the  way ! 

(Exit  FITZBATTLEAXE.     Manet  ZARA.) 

Enter  KING. 

KINO.     My  daughter !     At  last  we  are  alone  together. 

ZARA.  Yes,  and  I'm  glad  we  are,  for  I  want  to  speak  to  you 
very  seriously.  Do  you  know  this  paper? 

KING  (aside).  Da !  (Aloud.)  Oh,  yes — I've — I've  seen 

it.  Where  in  the  world  did  you  get  this  from? 

ZARA.  It  was  given  to  me  by  Lady  Sophy — my  sister's 
governess. 

KING  (aside).  Lady  Sophy's  an  angel,  but  I  do  sometimes 
wish  she'd  mind  her  own  business!  (Aloud.)  It's — ha!  ha! — 
it's  rather  humorous. 

ZARA.  I  see  nothing  humorous  in  it.  I  only  see  that  you,  the 
despotic  King  of  this  country,  are  made  the  subject  of  the  most 
scandalous  insinuations.  Why  do  you  permit  these  things? 

KING.  Well,  they  appeal  to  my  sense  of  humour.  It's  the 
only  really  comic  paper  in  Utopia,  and  I  wouldn't  be  without  it 
for  the  world. 

ZARA.     If  it  had  any  literary  merit  I  could  understand  it. 

KING.  Oh,  it  has  literary  merit.  Oh,  distinctly,  it  has  literary 
merit. 


28 

ZARA.     My  dear  father,  it's  mere  ungrammatical  twaddle. 

KINO.  Oh,  it's  not  ungrammatical.  I  can't  allow  that.  Un- 
pleasantly personal,  perhaps,  but  written  with  an  epigrammatical 
point  that  is  very  rare  now-a-days — very  rare  indeed. 

ZARA.  (looking  at  cartoon).  Why  do  they  represent  you  with 
»uch  a  big  nose  ? 

KING  (looking  at  cartoon).  Eh?  Yes,  it  is  a  big  one!  Why, 
the  fact  is  that,  in  the  cartoons  of  a  comic  paper,  the  size  of  your 
nose  always  varies  inversely  as  the  square  of  your  popularity. 
It's  the  rule. 

ZARA.  Then  you  must  be  at  a  tremendous  discount,  just  now! 
I  see  a  notice  of  a  new  piece  called  "  King  Tuppence,"  in  which 
an  English  tenor  has  the  audacity  to  personate  you  on  a  public 
stage.  I  can  only  say  that  I  am  surprised  that  any  English  tenor 
should  lend  himself  to  such  degrading  personalities. 

KING.  Oh,  he's  not  really  English.  As  it  happens  he's  a 
Utopian,  but  he  calls  himself  English. 

ZARA.     Calls  himself  English? 

KING.  Yes.  Bless  you,  they  wouldn't  listen  to  any  tenor  who 
didn't  call  himself  English. 

ZARA.  And  you  permit  this  insolent  buffoon  to  caricature  you 
in  a  pointless  burlesque !  My  dear  father — if  you  were  a  free 
agent,  you  would  never  permit  these  outrages. 

KING  (almost  in  tears).  Zara — I — I  admit  I  am  not  altogether 
a  free  agent.  I — I  am  controlled.  I  try  to  make  the  best  of  it, 
but  sometimes  I  find  it  very  difficult — very  difficult  indeed. 
Nominally  a  Despot,  I  am,  between  ourselves,  the  helpless  tool 
of  two  unscrupulous  Wise  Men,  who  insist  on  my  falling  in  with 
all  their  wishes  and  threaten  to  denounce  me  for  immediate 
explosion  if  I  remonstrate  !  (Breaks  down  completely.) 

ZARA.  My  poor  father!  Now  listen  to  me.  With  a  view  to 
remodelling  the  political  and  social  institutions  of  Utopia,  I  have 
brought  with  me  six  Representatives  of  the  principal  causes  that 
have  tended  to  make  England  the  powerful,  happy  and  blameless 
country  which  the  consensus  of  European  civilization  has  declared 
it  to  be.  Place  yourself  unreservedly  in  the  hands  of  these 
gentlemen,  and  they  will  reorganize  your  country  on  a  footing 
that  will  enable  you  to  defy  your  persecutors.  They  are  all  now 
washing  their  hands  after  their  journey.  Shall  I  introduce  them? 

KING.  My  dear  Zara,  how  can  I  thank  you?  I  will  consent  to 
anything  that  will  release  me  from  the  abominable  tyranny  of 
these  two  men.  (Calling.)  What  ho!  Without  there!  (Enter 
CALYNX.)  Summon  my  court  without  an  instant's  delay !  (Exit 
CALYNX.) 


29 

FINALE. 

Enter  Everyone,  except  the  Flowers  of  Progress. 

CHORUS. 
Although  your  Koyal  summons  to  appear 

From  courtesy  was  singularly  free, 
Obedient  to  that  summons  we  are  here — 
What  would  your  Majesty  ? 

BECIT.— KINO. 

My  worthy  people,  my  beloved  daughter 

Most  thoughtfully  has  brought  with  her  from  England 

The  types  of  all  the  causes  that  have  made 

That  great  and  glorious  country  what  it  is. 
CHORUS.  Oh  joy  unbounded  I 

SCA.,  TAR.,  and  PHAN.  (aside).    Why,  what  does  this  mean? 

BECIT.— ZARA. 
Attend  to  me,  Utopian  populace, 

Ye  South  Pacific  Island  viviparians; 
All,  in  the  abstract,  types  of  courtly  grace, 
Yet,  when  compared  with  Britain's  glorious  race, 

But  little  better  than  half -clothed  barbarians  1 

CHORUS. 

That's  true — we  South  Pacific  viviparians, 
Contrasted  when 
With  Englishmen, 

Are  little  better  than  half -clothed  barbarians! 
Enter  all  the  Flowers  of  Progress,   led  by  FITZBATTLEAXE. 
SOLO — ZARA.     (Presenting  CAPT.  FITZBATTLEAXB.) 
When  Britain  sounds  the  trump  of  war 

(And  Europe  trembles), 
The  army  of  that  conqueror 

In  serried  ranks  assembles; 
'Tis  then  this  warrior's  eyes  and  sabre  gleam 

For  our  protection — 
He  represents  a  military  scheme 

In  all  its  proud  perfection  I 
FITZ.  Yes — yes — 

I  represent  a  military  scheme 

In  all  its  proud  perfection ! 
CHORUS.          Ulahlica!     Ulahlica!     Ulahlica! 

SOLO— ZARA.     (Presenting  SIR  BAILEY  BARRE,  Q.C.,  M.P.) 
A  complicated  gentleman  allow  me  to  present, 
Of  all  the  arts  and  faculties  the  terse  embodiment, 


30 

He's  a  great  Arithmetician  who  can  demonstrate  with  ease 

That  two  and  two  are  three,  or  five,  or  anything  you  please; 

An  eminent  Logician  who  can  make  it  clear  to  you 

That  black  is  white — when  looked  at  from  the  proper  point  of  view ; 

A  marvellous  Philologist  who'll  undertake  to  show 

That  "  yes  "  is  but  another  and  a  neater  form  of  "  no." 

SIR  BAILEY.  Yes — yes — yes — 

Oh  "  yes  "  is  but  another  and  a  neater  form  of  "  no." 
All  preconceived  ideas  on  any  subject  I  can  scout. 
And  demonstrate  beyond  all  possibility  of  doubt, 
That  whether  you're  an  honest  man  or  whether  you're  a  thief 
Depends  on  whose  solicitor  has  given  me  my  brief. 

CHORUS.  Yes — yes — yes — 

That  whether  you're  an  honest  man,  &c. 
Ulahlica !     Ulahlica !     Ulahlica ! 

SOLO. — ZARA.     (Presenting  LORD  DRAMALEIGH  and  County 
Councillor.) 

What  these  may  be,  Utopians  all 

Perhaps  you'll  hardly  guess — 
They're  types  of  England's  physical 

And  moral  cleanliness. 
This  is  a  Lord  High  Chamberlain 

Of  purity  the  gauge — 
He'll  cleanse  our  Court  from  moral  stain 

And  purify  our  Stage. 

LORD  DRAM.  Yes — yes — yes — 

Court  reputations  I  revise, 
And  presentations  scrutinize, 
New  plays  1  read  with  jealous  eyes, 
And  purify  the  Stage. 

CHORUS.  Yes — yes — yes — 

New  plays,  &c. 
ZARA.  This  County  Councillor  acclaim, 

Great  Britain's  latest  toy — 
On  anything  you  like  to  name 

His  talents  he'll  employ — 
All  streets  and  squares  he'll  purify 

Within  your  city  walls, 
And  keep  meanwhile  a  modest  eye 

On  wicked  music  halls. 


C.C 


Yes — yes — yes — 
In  towns  I  make  improvements  great, 


81 

Which  go  to  swell  the  County  Rate — 
I  dwelling-houses  sanitate, 
And  purify  the  Halls ! 
CHORUS.  Yes — yes — yes 

He'll  dwelling-houses,  &c. 
Ulahlica  1     Ulahlica !     Ulahlica ! 

SOLO. — ZARA.     (Presenting  MR.  GOLDBURY.) 

A  Company  Promoter  this,  with  special  education, 
Which  teaches  what  Contango  means  and  also 

Backwardation — 

To  speculators  he  supplies  a  grand  financial  leaven, 
Time  was  when  two  were  company — but  now  it 

must  be  seven. 

MB.  GOLD.  Yes — yes — yes — r 

Stupendous  loans  to  foreign  thrones 

I've  largely  advocated; 
In  ginger-pops  and  peppermint-drops 

I've  freely  speculated; 
Then  mines  of  gold,  of  wealth  untold, 

Successfully  I've  floated, 
And  sudden  falls  in  apple-stalls 

Occasionally  quoted : 
And  soon  or  late  I  always  call 

For  Stock  Exchange  quotation — 
No  schemes  too  great  and  none  too  small 

For  Companification ! 

CHORUS.  Then  soon  or  late,  &c. 

Ulahlica!    Ulahlica!    Ulahlica! 

ZARA.  (Presenting  CAPT.  SIR  EDWARD  CORCORAN,  B.N.) 

And  lastly  I  present 

Great  Britain's  proudest  boast, 

Who  from  the  blows 

Of  foreign  foes 

Protects  her  sea-girt  coast — 

And  if  you  ask  him  in  respectful  tone, 

He'll  show  you  how  you  may  protect  your  own  I 

SOLO. — CAPTAIN  CORCORAN. 

I'm  Captain  Corcoran,  K.C.B., 
I'll  teach  you  how  we  rule  the  sea, 

And  terrify  the  simple  Gaul. 
And  how  the  Saxon  and  the  Celt 


32 

Their  Europe-shaking  blows  have  dealt 
With  Maxim  gun  and  Nordenfelt 

(Or  will,  when  the  occasion  calls) 
If  sailor-like  you'd  play  your  cards 
Unbend  your  Rails,  and  lower  your  yards, 

Unstep  your  masts — you'll  never  want  'em  more. 
Though  we're  no  longer  hearts  of  oak 
Yet  we  can  steer  and  we  can  stoke, 
And,  thanks  to  coal,  and  thanks  to  coke, 

We  never  run  a  ship  ashore ! 
ALL.  What,  never? 

CAPT.  No,  never! 

ALL.  What,  never? 

CAPT.  Hardly  ever  1 

ALL.  Hardly  ever  run  a  ship  ashore! 

Then  give  three  cheers,  and  three  cheers  more, 
For  the  tar  who  never  runs  his  ship  ashore; 
Then  give  three  cheers,  and  three  cheers  more, 
For  he  never  runs  his  ship  ashore  1 

CHORUS. 

All  hail,  ye  types  of  England's  power — 

Ye  heaven-enlightened  band  I 
We  bless  the  day,  and  bless  the  hour, 

That  brought  you  to  our  land. 

QUARTETTE. 

Ye  wanderers  from  a  mighty  State 

Oh  teach  us  how  to  legislate — 

Your  lightest  word  will  carry  weight 
In  our  attentive  ears. 

Oh  teach  the  natives  of  this  land 

(Who  are  not  quick  to  understand) 

How  to  work  off  their  social  and 

Political  arrears  I 

CAPT.  FITZ.    Increase  your  army ! 
LD.  DRAMALEIGH.          Purify  your  Court  I 
CAPT.  COR.     Get  up  your  steam  and  cut  your  canvas  short ! 
SIR  B.  BAR.  To  speak  on  both  sides  teach  your  sluggish  brains  I 
MK.  B.,  C.C.  Widen  your  thoroughfares,  and  flush  your  drains  I 
MR.  GOLD.     Utopia's  much  too  big  for  one  small  head — 

I'll  float  it  as  a  Company  Limited ! 
KING.  A  Company  Limited ?    What  may  that  be? 

The  term,  I  rather  think,  is  new  to  me. 
CHORUS.          A  Company  Limited?  &c. 


33 

SCA.,  PHAN.,  and  TARARA  (aside). 

What  does  he  mean?    What  does  he  mean? 

Give  us  a  kind  of  clue ! 
What  does  he  mean?    What  does  he  mean? 

What  is  he  going  to  do? 

SONG. — MR.  GOLDBURY. 
Some  seven  men  form  an  Association, 

(If  possible,  all  Peers  and  Baronets) 
They  start  off  with  a  public  declaration 

To  what  extent  they  mean  to  pay  their  debts. 
That's  called  their  Capital :  if  they  are  wary 

They  will  not  quote  it  at  a  sum  immense. 
The  figure's  immaterial — it  may  vary 

From  eighteen  million  down  to  eighteenpence. 
/  should  put  it  rather  low; 
The  good  sense  of  doing  so 
Will  be  evident  at  once  to  any  debtor. 
When  it's  left  to  you  to  say 
What  amount  you  mean  to  pay, 
Why,  the  lower  you  can  put  it  at,  the  better. 

CHORUS.  When  it's  left  to  you  to  say,  &e. 

They  then  proceed  to  trade  with  all  who'll  trust  'em, 

Quite  irrespective  of  their  capital 
(It's  shady,  but  it's  sanctified  by  custom); 

Bank,  Eailway,  Loan,  or  Panama  Canal. 
You  can't  embark  on  trading  too  tremendous — 

It's  strictly  fair,  and  based  on  common  sense — 
If  you  succeed,  your  profits  are  stupendous — 

And  if  you  fail,  pop  goes  your  eighteenpence. 
Make  the  money-spinner  spin  ! 
For  you  only  stand  to  win, 
And  you'll  never  with  dishonesty  be  twitted. 
For  nobody  can  know, 
To  a  million  or  so, 

To  what  extent  your  capital's  committed. 
CHORUS.  No,  nobody  can  know,  Ac. 

If  you  come  to  grief,  and  creditors  are  craving, 
(For  nothing  that  is  planned  by  mortal  head 

Is  certain  in  this  Vale  of  Sorrow — saving 
That  one's  Liability  is  Limited), — 

Do  you  suppose  that  signifies  perdition? 
If  so  you're  but  a  monetary  dunce — 


34 

You  merely  file  a  Winding-Up  Petition, 
And  start  another  Company  at  once ! 

Though  a  Eothschild  you  may  be 

In  your  own  capacity, 
As  a  Company  you've  come  to  utter  sorrow — 

But  the  Liquidators  say, 

Never  mind — you  needn't  pay," 
So  you  start  another  company  to-morrow ! 

CHORUS.  But  the  Liquidators  say,  Ac. 

EECIT. 

KING  Well,  at  first  sight  it  strikes  us  as  dishonest, 

But  if  it's  good  enough  for  virtuous  England — 
The  first  commercial  country  in  the  world — 
It's  good  enough  for  us. 

SCA.,  PHAN.,  and  TARARA.     You'd  best  take  care — 
(aside  to  KING.)     Please  recollect  we  have  not  been  consulted. 

KlNO  And  do  I  understand  you  that  Great  Britain 

(not  heeding  them)  Upon  this  Joint  Stock  principle  is  governed? 

MR.  GOLD.         We  haven't  come  to  that,  exactly— but 
We're  tending  rapidly  in  that  direction. 
The  date's  not  distant. 

KING  (enthusiastically).        We  will  be  before  you ! 
We'll  go  down  to  Posterity  renowned 
As  the  First  Sovereign  in  Christendom 
Who  registered  his  Crown  and  Country  under 
The  Joint  Stock  Company's  Act  of  Sixty-Two: 

ALL.  Ulahlica!    Ulahlica!    Ulahlica! 

SOLO.— KING. 

Henceforward,  of  a  verity, 

With  Fame  ourselves  we  link — 
We'll  go  down  to  Posterity 

Of  sovereigns  all  the  pink ! 
SCA.,  PHAN.,  and  TAR.  (aside  to  KING).     If  you've  the 

mad  temerity 
Our  wishes  thus  to  blink, 
You'll  go  down  to  Posterity 

Much  earlier  than  you  think ! 

TARARA  (correcting  them).     He'll  go  up  to  Posterity 
If  /  inflict  the  blow  I 


35 

SCA.  and  PHAN.  (angrily).     He'll  go  down  to  Posterity, 
We  think  we  ought  to  know ! 

TARARA  (explaining).     He'll  go  up  to  Posterity, 
Blown  up  with  dynamite! 

SCA.  and  PHAN.  (apologetically).     He'll  go  up  to  Posterity, 
Of  course  he  will,  you're  right! 


KING,  LADY  SOPHY.  NEK.,  KAL, 
CALYNX,  and  CHORUS. 

Henceforward  of  a  verity 

With  fame  ourselves  we  link, 
And  go  down  t  o  Posterity 


Of  sovereigns  all  the  pink  ! 


ENSEMBLE. 

SCA.,  PHAN.,  and  TARARA 
{«**). 

If  he  has  the  temerity 
Our  wishes  thus  to  blink, 

He'll  go  up  to  Posterity 
Much  earlier  than  they  think' 


FlTRBATTLKAXK    and  ZAP  A 

(tuidt). 

Who  love  with  all  sincerity, 
Their  lives  may  sately  link; 

And  as  for  our  Posterity — 
We  don't  care  what  they  think 


CHORUS. 
Let's  seal  this  mercantile  pact — 

The  step  we  ne'er  shall  rue — 
It  gives  whatever  we  lacked — 

The  statement's  strictly  true 
All  hail,  astonishing  Fact ! 

All  hail,  Invention  new — 
The  Joint  Stock  Company's  Act — 

The  Act  of  Sixty  Two ! 


CURTAIN. 


END  OF  ACT  I. 


36 

ACT  II. 

SCENE. — Throne  Room  in  the  Palace.     Night.     FITZBATTLEAXB 
discovered,  singing  to  ZARA. 

KECIT.— FITZ. 

Oh  Zara,  my  beloved  one,  bear  with  me  1 

Ah  do  not  laugh  at  my  attempted  C ! 

Repent  not,  mocking  maid,  thy  girlhood's  choice — 

The  fervour  of  my  love  affects  my  voice ! 

SONG.— FITZ. 

A  tenor,  all  singers  above, 

(This  doesn't  admit  of  a  question), 
Should  keep  himself  quiet, 
Attend  to  his  diet, 
And  carefully  nurse  his  digestion : 
But  when  he  is  madly  in  love 

It's  certain  to  tell  on  his  singing — 
You  can't  do  chromatics 
With  proper  emphatics 
When  anguish  your  bosom  is  wringing  1 
When  distracted  with  worries  in  plenty, 
And  his  pulse  is  a  hundred  and  twenty, 
And  his  fluttering  bosom  the  slave  of  mistrust  is, 
A  tenor  can't  do  himself  justice  1 

Now  observe — (singing  a  high  note), 
You  see,  I  can't  do  myself  justice! 

I  could  sing,  if  my  fervour  were  mock, 

It's  easy  enough  if  you're  acting — 
But  when  one's  emotion 
Is  born  of  devotion 
You  mustn't  be  over-exacting. 
One  ought  to  be  firm  as  a  rock 

To  venture  a  shake  in  vibrato, 
When  fervour's  expected 
Keep  cool  and  collected 
Or  never  attempt  agitato. 
But,  of  course,  when  his  tongue  is  of  leather, 
And  his  lips  appear  pasted  together, 
And  his  sensitive  palate  as  dry  as  a  crust  is, 
A  tenor  can't  do  himself  justice. 

Now  observe — (sings  a  cadence), 
.It's  no  use — I  can't  do  myself  justice! 


37 

ZARA.  Why,  Arthur,  what  docs  it  matter?  When  the  higher 
qualities  of  the  heart  are  all  that  can  be  desired,  the  higher  notes 
of  the  voice  are  matters  of  comparative  insignificance.  Who 
thinks  slightingly  of  the  cocoanut  because  it  is  husky?  Besides 
(demurely)  you  are  not  singing  for  an  engagement,  (putting  her 
hand  in  his)  you  have  that  already ! 

FITZ.  How  good  and  wise  you  are!  How  unerringly  your 
practised  brain  winnows  the  wheat  from  the  chaff — the  material 
from  the  merely  incidental  1 

ZABA.  My  Girton  training,  Arthur.  At  Girton  all  is  wheat, 
and  idle  chaff  is  never  heard  within  its  walls  I  But  tell  me,  is  not 
all  working  marvellously  well  ?  Have  not  our  Flowers  of  Progress 
more  than  justified  their  name? 

FITZ.  We  have  indeed  done  our  best.  Captain  Corcoran  and 
I  have,  in  concert,  thoroughly  remodelled  the  sister-servicefr — 
and  upon  so  sound  a  basis  that  the  South  Pacific  trembles  at  the 
name  of  Utopia! 

ZARA.     How  clever  of  you  I 

FITZ.  Clever?  not  a  bit.  It's  as  easy  as  possible  when  the 
Admiralty  and  Horse  Guards  are  not  there  to  interfere.  And  so 
with  the  others.  Freed  from  the  trammels  imposed  upon  them 
by  idle  Acts  of  Parliament,  all  have  given  their  natural  talents 
full  play  and  introduced  reforms  which,  even  in  England,  were 
never  dreamt  of! 

ZARA.  But  perhaps  the  most 'beneficent  change  of  all  has  been 
effected  by  Mr.  Goldbury,  who,  discarding  the  exploded  theory 
that  some  strange  magic  lies  hidden  in  the  number  Seven,  has 
applied  the  Limited  Liability  principle  to  individuals,  and  every 
man,  woman,  and  child  is  now  a  Company  Limited  with  liability 
restricted  to  the  amount  of  his  declared  Capital !  There  is  not  a 
christened  baby  in  Utopia  who  has  not  already  issued  his  little 
Prospectus  I 

FITZ.  Marvellous  is  the  power  of  a  Civilization  which  can 
transmute,  by  a  word,  a  Limited  Income  into  an  Income 
(Limited). 

ZARA.  Keform  has  not  stopped  here — it  has  been  applied  even 
to  the  costume  of  our  people.  Discarding  their  own  barbaric 
dress,  the  natives  of  our  land  have  unanimously  adopted  the 
tasteful  fashions  of  England  in  all  their  rich  entirety.  Scaphio 
and  Phantis  have  undertaken  a  contract  to  supply  the  whole  of 
Utopia  with  clothing  designed  upon  the  most  approved  English 
models — and  the  first  Drawing  Room  under  the  new  state  of 
things  is  to  be  held  here  this  evening. 

FITZ.     But  Drawing  Rooms  are  always  held  in  the  afternoon. 


38 


ZARA.  Ah,  we've  improved  upon  that.  We  all  look  so  much 
better  by  candle-light!  And  when  I  tell  you,  dearest,  that  my 
court  train  has  just  arrived,  you  will  understand  that  I  am  longing 
to  go  and  try  it  on. 

FITZ.     Then  we  must  part? 

ZARA.     Necessarily,  for  a  time. 

FITZ.  Just  as  I  wanted  to  tell  you,  with  all  the  passionate 
enthusiasm  of  my  nature,  how  deeply,  how  devotedly  I  love  you ! 

ZARA.  Hush!  Are  these  the  accents  of  a  heart  that  really 
feels?  True  love  does  not  indulge  in  declamation — its  voice  is 
sweet,  and  soft,  and  low.  The  west  wind  whispers  when  he 
woos  the  poplars ! 


ZARA. 


BOTH. 
FITZ. 


BOTH. 


DUET. — ZARA  and  FITZBATTLEAXE. 
Words  of  love  too  loudly  spoken 

King  their  own  untimely  knell; 
Noisy  vows  are  rudely  broken, 

Soft  the  song  of  Philomel. 
Whisper  sweetly,  whisper  slowly, 

Hour  by  hour  and  day  by  day; 
Sweet  and  low  as  accents  holy 

Are  the  notes  of  lover's  lay ! 

Sweet  and  low,  &c. 

Let  the  conqueror,  flushed  with  glory, 

Bid  his  noisy  clarions  bray; 
Lovers  tell  their  artless  story 

In  a  whispered  yirelay. 
False  is  he  whose  vows  alluring 

Make  the  listening  echoes  ring; 
Sweet  and  low  when  all-enduring, 

Are  the  songs  that  lovers  sing ! 

Sweet  and  low,  &c. 


[Exit  ZARA. 


Enter  KING,  dressed  as  Field  Marshal. 

KINO.  To  a  Monarch  who  has  been  accustomed  to  the  uncon- 
trolled use  of  his  limbs,  the  costume  of  a  British  Field  Marshal 
is,  perhaps,  at  first,  a  little  cramping.  Are  you  sure  this  is  all 
right?  It's  not  a  practical  joke,  is  it?  No  one  has  a  keener 
sense  of  humour  than  I  have,  but  the  First  Statutory  Cabinet 
Council  of  Utopia  (Limited)  must  be  conducted  with  dignity  and 
impressiveness.  Now,  where  are  the  other  five  who  signed  the 
Articles  of  Association? 

FITZ.     Sir,  they  are  here. 


39 

Enter  LD.  DRAMALEIGH,  CAPTAIN  CORCORAN,  SIR  BAILEY  BARRB, 
MR.  BLUSHINOTON  and  MR.  GOLDBURY  from  different  entrances. 

KINO.  Ohl  (addressing  them.)  Gentlemen,  our  daughter 
holds  her  first  Drawing  Koom  in  half  an  hour,  and  we  shall  have 
time  to  make  our  half-yearly  report  in  the  interval.  I  am  neces- 
sarily unfamiliar  with  the  forms  of  an  English  Cabinet  Council — 
perhaps  the  Lord  Chamberlain  will  kindly  put  us  in  the  way  of 
doing  the  thing  properly,  and  with  due  regard  to  the  solemnity  of 
the  occasion. 

LD.  DRAM.  Certainly — nothing  simpler.  Kindly  bring  your 
chairs  forward — his  Majesty  will,  of  course,  preside. 

They  range  their  chairs  across  stage  like  Christy 
Minstrels.  KING  sits  c.,  LORD  DRAMALEIGH  on  his 
L.,  MR.  GOLDBURY  on  his  R.,  CAPT.  CORCORAN  L.  of 
LORD  DRAMALEIGH,  CAPT.  FITZBATTLEAXE  R.  of  MR. 
GOLDBURY,  MR.  BLUSHINGTON  extreme  R.,  SIR 
BAILEY  BARRE  extreme  L. 

KINO.     Like  this? 

LD.  DRAM.     Like  this. 

KING.  We  take  your  word  for  it  that  this  is  all  right.  You  are 
not  making  fun  of  us?  This  is  in  accordance  with  the  practice 
at  the  Court  of  St.  James's? 

LD.  DRAM.  Well,  it  is  in  accordance  with  the  practice  at  the 
Court  of  St.  James's  Hall. 

KING.     Oh !  it  seems  odd,  but  never  mind. 

SONG.— KING. 

Society  has  quite  forsaken  all  her  wicked  courses, 
Which    empties    our    police    courts,   and    abolishes 

divorces. 
CHORUS.  Divorce  is  nearly  obsolete  in  England. 

KING.       No    tolerance    we    show    to    undeserving    rank    and 

splendour ; 

For  the  higher  his  position  is,  the  greater  the  offender. 
CHORUS.  That's    a    maxim    that    is    prevalent    in 

England. 

KING.       No  peeress  at  our  Drawing  Room  before  the  Presence 

passes 

Who  wouldn't  be  accepted  by  the  lower-middle  classes. 
Each  shady  dame,   whatever  be  her  rank,  is  bowed 

out  neatly. 


40 

CHORUS  In  short,  this  happy  country  has  been  Anglicized  com- 
pletely ! 

It  really  is  surprising 
What  a  thorough  Anglicizing 
We  have  brought  about — Utopia's  quite  another 

land; 

In  her  enterprising  movements, 
She  is  England — with  improvements, 
Which  we  dutifully  offer  to  our  mother-land ! 
KING.       Our  city  we  have  beautified — we've  done  it  willy-nilly — 
And   all  that  isn't  Belgrave   Square  is   Strand   and 

Piccadilly. 

CHORUS.  We  haven't  any  slummeries  in  England ! 

KING.       We  have  solved  the  labour  question  with  discrimination 

polished, 

So  poverty  is  obsolete  and  hunger  is  abolished — 
CHORUS.  We  are  going  to  abolish  it  in  England. 

KING.       The  Chamberlain  our  native  stage  has  purged,  beyond 
a  question, 

Of  "  risky  "  situation  and  indelicate  suggestion; 
No  piece  is  tolerated  if  it's  costumed  indiscreetly — 
CHORUS.  In  short,  this  happy  country  has  been  Anglicized  com- 
pletely ! 

It  really  is  surprising,  &c. 
KING.      Our  Peerage  we've  remodelled  on  an  intellectual  basis, 

Which  certainly  is  rough  on  our  hereditary  races — 
CHORUS.  We  are  going  to  remodel  it  in  England. 

KING.       The  Brewers  and  the  Cotton  Lords  no  longer  seek 

admission, 

And  Literary  Merit  meets  with  proper  recognition — 
CHORUS.  "        As  Literary  Merit  does  in  England ! 
KING.      Who  knows  but  we  may  count  among  our  intellectual 
chickens 
Like  you,    an   Earl  of  Thackeray   and  p'r'aps  a 

Duke  of  Dickens — 
Lord  Fildes  and  Viscount  Millais  (when  they  come) 

we'll  welcome  sweetly — 

CHORUS.  In  short,  this  happy  country  has  been  Anglicized  com- 
pletely ! 

It  really  is  surprising,  &c. 
(At  the  end  all  rise  and  replace  their  chairs.) 
KING.     Now  then,  for  our  First  Drawing  Room.     Where  are 
the  Princesses?     What  an  extraordinary  thing  it   is  that  since 
European  looking-glasses  have  been  supplied  to  the  Eoyal  bed- 
rooms my  daughters  are  invariably  late  ! 


41 

LD.  DRAM.  Sir,  their  Royal  Highnesses  await  your  pleasure  in 
the  Ante-Room. 

KINO.  Oh.  Then  request  them  to  do  us  the  favour  to  enter  at 
once. 

MARCH. — Enter  all  the  Royal  Household,  including 
(besides  the  Lord  Chamberlain)  the  Vice-Chamber- 
lain, the  Master  of  the  Horse,  the  Master  of  the 
Buckhounds,  the  Lord  High  Treasurer,  the  Lord 
Steward,  the  Comptroller  of  the  Household,  the 
Lord-in-Waiting,  the  Groom-in-Waiting,  the  Field 
Officer  in  Brigade  Waiting,  the  Gold  and  Silver 
Stick,  and  the  Gentlemen  Ushers.  Then  enter  the 
three  Princesses  (their  trains  carried  by  Pages  of 
Honour),  LADY  SOPHY,  and  the  Ladies-in-Waiting. 

KINO.  My  daughters,  we  are  about  to  attempt  a  very  solemn 
ceremonial,  so  no  giggling,  if  you  please.  Now,  my  Lord 
Chamberlain,  we  are  ready. 

LD.  DRAM.  Then,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  places  if  you  please. 
His  Majesty  will  take  his  place  in  front  of  the  throne,  and  will  be 
so  obliging  as  to  embrace  all  the  debutantes.  (LADY  SOPHY,  much 
shocked.) 

KING.     What — must  I  really? 

LD.  DRAM.     Absolutely  indispensable. 

KINO.     More  jam  for  the  Palace  Peeper ! 

The  KINO  takes  his  place  in  front  of  the  throne,  the 
PRINCESS  ZARA  on  his  left.  The  two  younger 
Princesses  on  the  left  of  ZARA. 

KINO.     Now,  is  every  one  in  his  place? 
LD.  DRAM.     Every  one  is  in  his  place. 
KINO.     Then  let  the  revels  commence. 

Enter  the  ladies  attending  the  Drawing  Room.  They 
give  their  cards  to  the  Groom-in-Waiting,  who  passes 
them  to  the  Lord-in-Waiting,  who  passes  them  to 
the  Vice -Chamberlain,  who  passes  them  to  the  Lord 
Chamberlain,  who  reads  the  names  to  the  KING  as 
each  lady  approaches.  The  ladies  curtsey  in  succes- 
sion to  the  KING  and  the  three  Princesses,  and  pass 
out.  When  all  the  presentations  have  been  accom- 
plished, the  KING,  Princesses,  and  LADY  SOPHY  come 
forward,  and  all  the  ladies  re-enter. 


42 

BECIT.— KING. 

This  ceremonial  our  wish  displays 
To  copy  all  Great  Britain's  courtly  ways. 
Though  lofty  aims  catastrophe  entail, 
We'll  gloriously  succeed  or  nobly  fail! 

UNACCOMPANIED  CHOKUS.  - 
Eagle  high  in  cloudland  soaring — 

Sparrow  twittering  on  a  reed — 
Tiger  in  the  jungle  roaring — 

Frightened  fawn  in  grassy  mead — 
Let  the  eagle,  not  the  sparrow, 
Be  the  object  of  your  arrow — 

Fix  the  tiger  with  your  eye — 
Pass  the  fawn  in  pity  by. 
Glory  then  will  crown  the  day — 
Glory,  glory,  anyway! 

[Then  Exeunt  all. 

Enter  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS,  now  dressed  as  judges  in  red  and 
ermine  robes  and  undress  wigs.  They  come  down  stage  melo- 
dramatically— working  together. 

DUET — SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS. 
SCA.           With  fury  deep  we  burn — 
PHAK.  We  do— 

We  fume  with  smothered  rage. 
These  Englishmen  who  rule  supreme, 
Their  undertaking  they  redeem, 
By  stifling  every  harmless  scheme 
In  which  we  both  engage — 
They  do— 

In  which  we  both  engage. 
BOTH  (with  great  energy).    For  this  mustn't  be,  and  this  won't 

do, 

If  you'll  back  me,  then  I'll  back  you, 
Let's  both  agree,  and  we'll  pull  things  through, 
For  this  mustn't  be,  and  this  won't  do. 
No,  this  won't  do, 
No,  this  won't  do, 
No,  this  mustn't  be, 
And  this  won't  do. 

Enter  the  KING. 

KING.  Gentlemen,  gentlemen — really!  This  unseemly  display 
of  energy  within  the  Eoyal  Precincts  is  altogether  unpardonable. 
Pray  what  do  you  complain  of? 


43 

SCA.  (furiously).  What  do  we  complain  of?  Why,  through 
the  innovations  introduced  by  the  Flowers  of  Progress  all  our 
harmless  schemes  for  making  a  provision  for  our  old  age  are 
ruined.  Our  Matrimonial  Agency  is  at  a  standstill,  our  Cheap 
Sherry  business  is  in  bankruptcy,  our  Army  Clothing  contracts 
are  paralyzed,  and  even  our  Society  paper,  the  Palace  Peeper,  is 
practically  defunct! 

KINO      Defunct?    Is  that  so?     Dear,  dear,  I  am  truly  sorry. 

SCA.  Are  you  aware  that  Sir  Bailey  Barre  has  introduced  a 
law  of  libel  by  which  all  editors  of  scurrilous  newspapers  are 
publicly  flogged — as  in  England?  And  six  of  our  editors  have 
resigned  in  succession !  Now,  the  editor  of  a  scurrilous  paper  can 
stand  a  good  deal — he  takes  a  private  thrashing  as  a  matter  of 
course — it's  considered  in  his  salary — but  no  gentleman  likes  to 
be  publicly  flogged. 

KINO.     Naturally.     I  shouldn't  like  it  myself. 

PHAN.     Then  our  Burlesque  Theatre  is  absolutely  ruined! 

KINO.     Dear  me.     Well,  theatrical  property  is  not  what  it  was. 

PHAN.  Are  you  aware  that  the  Lord  Chamberlain,  who  has 
his  own  views  as  to  the  best  means  of  elevating  the  national 
drama,  has  declined  to  license  any  play  that  is  not  in  blank  verse 
and  three  hundred  years  old — as  in  England? 

SCA.  And  as  if  that  wasn't  enough,  the  County  Councillor  has 
ordered  a  four-foot  wall  to  be  built  up  right  across  the  proscenium, 
in  case  of  fire — as  in  England. 

PHAN.  It's  so  hard  on  the  company — who  are  liable  to  be 
roasted  alive — and  this  has  to  be  met  by  enormously  increased 
salaries — as  in  England. 

SCA.  You  probably  know  that  we've  contracted  to  supply  the 
entire  nation  with  a  complete  English  outfit.  But  perhaps  you 
do  not  know  that,  when  we  send  in  our  bills,  our  customers  plead 
liability  limited  to  a  declared  capital  of  eighteenpence,  and  apply 
to  be  dealt  with  under  the  Winding-up  Act — as  in  England  ? 

KINO.  Really,  gentlemen,  this  is  very  irregular.  If  you  will 
be  so  good  as  to  formulate  a  detailed  list  of  your  grievances  in 
writing,  addressed  to  the  Secretary  of  Utopia  (Limited),  they  will 
be  laid  before  the  Board,  in  due  course,  at  their  next  monthly 
meeting. 

SCA.     Are  we  to  understand  that  we  are  defied? 

KINO.     That  is  the  idea  I  intended  to  convey. 
PHAN.     Defied!     We  are  defied! 

SCA.  (furiously).  Take  care — you  know  our  powers.  Trifle 
with  us,  and  you  die ! 


44 

TEIO.— SCA.,  PHAN.,  and  KINO. 

SCA.         If  you  think  that  when  banded  in  unity, 
We  may  both  be  defied  with  impunity, 

You  are  sadly  misled  of  a  verity ! 
PHAN.      If  you  value  repose  and  tranquility, 
You'll  revert  to  a  state  of  docility, 

Or  prepare  to  regret  your  temerity ! 
KING.      If  my  speech  is  unduly  refractory 

You  will  find  it  a  course  satisfactory 

At  an  early  Board  meeting  to  show  it  up. 
Though  if  proper  excuse  you  can  trump  any, 
You  may  wind  up  a  Limited  Company, 

You  cannot  conveniently  blow  it  up ! 
(ScApmo  and  PHANTIS  thoroughly  baffled.) 
KING  (dancing  quietly).     Whene'er  I  chance  to  baffle  you 

I,  also,  dance  a  step  or  two — 
Of  this  now  guess  the  hidden  sense : 

(ScAPHio  and  PHANTIS  consider  the  question  as  KING  continues 
dancing  quietly — then  give  it  up.) 

It  means — complete  indifference. 

ALL  THREE  (dancing  quietly).     Indifference — indifference — 
Of  course  it  does — indifference! 

Wei 

Y      V.  might  have  guessed  its  hidden  sense. 

It  means  complete  indifference ! 

KING  (dancing  quietly).    SCA.  and  PHAN.  (dancing  furiously). 
As  we've  a  dance  for  every  mood 
With  pas  de  trois  we  will  conclude. 
What  this  may  mean  you  all  may  guess — 
SCA.  and  PHAN.  \It  typifies  remorselessness ! 

KING.          f  It  means  unruffled  cheerfulness ! 

KING  dances  off  placidly  as  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS  dance 
furiously. 

PHAN.  (breathless).  He's  right — we  are  helpless!  He's  no 
longer  a  human  being — he's  a  Corporation,  and  so  long  as  he 
confines  himself  to  his  Articles  of  Association  we  cant  touch 
him !  What  are  we  to  do  ? 

SCA.  Do?  Kaise  a  Kevolution,  repeal  the  Act  of  Sixty-Two, 
re-convert  him  into  an  individual,  and  insist  on  his  immediate 
explosion!  (TARARA  enters.)  Tarara,  come  here;  you're  the  very 
man  we  want. 

TAR.  Certainly,  allow  me.  (Offers  a  cracker  to  each,  they 
snatch  them  away  impatiently.)  That's  rude. 


45 

SCA.  We  have  no  time  for  idle  forms.  You  wish  to  succeed 
to  the  throne? 

TAR.     Naturally. 

SCA.  Then  you  won't  unless  you  join  us.  The  King  has  defied 
us,  and,  as  matters  stand,  we  are  helpless.  So  are  you.  We 
must  devise  some  plot  at  once  to  bring  the  people  about  his  ears. 

TAR.     A  plot? 

PHAN.  Yes,  a  plot  of  superhuman  subtlety  Have  you  such 
a  thing  about  you? 

TAR.  (feeling).  No,  I  think  not.  No.  There's  one  on  my 
dressing-table. 

SCA.  We  can't  wait — we  must  concoct  one  at  once,  and  put  it 
into  execution  without  delay.  There  is  not  a  moment  to  spare  1 

TEIO. — SCAPHIO,  PHANTIS,  and  TARARA. 

ENSEMBLE. 

With  wily  brain  upon  the  spot 
A  private  plot  we'll  plan, 

The  most  ingenious  private  plot 
Since  private  plots  began. 

That's  understood.     So  far  we've  got 

And,  striking  while  the  iron's  hot, 

We'll  now  determine  like  a  shot 

The  details  of  this  private  plot. 
SCA.       I  think  we  ought — (whispers). 
PHAN.  and  TAR.     Such  bosh  I  never  heard! 
PHAN.     Ah!  happy  thought  I —  (whispers). 
SCA.  and  TAR.       How  utterly  dashed  absurd  I 
TAR.       I'll  tell  you  how—  (whispers). 
SCA.  and  PHAN.     Why,  what  put  that  in  your  head? 
SCA.       I've  got  it  now —  (whispers). 

Oh,  take  him  away  to  bed  1 
PHAN.  Oh,  put  him  to  bed ! 

TAR.  Oh,  put  him  to  bed! 

SCA.  What!  put  me  to  bed? 

PHAN.  and  TAR.  Yes,  put  him  to  bed ! 
SCA.  But,  bless  me,  don't  you  see — 
PHAN.  Do  listen  to  me,  I  pray — 

TAR.       It  certainly  seems  to  me — 
SCA.  Bah — this  is  the  only  wayl 

PHAN.  It's  rubbish  absurd  you  growl! 
TAR.  You  talk  ridiculous  stuff! 

SCA.       You're  a  drivelling  barndoor  owl! 
PHAN.  You're  a  vapid  and  vain  old  muff  I 


46 

(All  coming  down  to  audience.) 
So  far  we  haven't  quite  solved  the  plot — 
They're  not  a  very  ingenious  lot — 
But  don't  be  unhappy 
It's  still  on  the  tapis 
We'll  presently  hit  on  a  capital  plot  I 
SCA.       Suppose  we  all —  (whispers). 
PHAN.  Now  there  I  think  you're  right. 

SCA.       Supposing  we  all —  (whispers). 
TAB.  That's  true — we  certainly  might. 

I'll  tell  you  what —  (whispers). 
SCA.  We  will  if  we  possibly  can. 

Then  on  the  spot —  (whispers). 
PHAN.  and  TAR.  Bravo!  a  capital  plan! 

SCA.       That's  exceedingly  neat  and  new  1 
PHAN.  Exceedingly  new  and  neat. 

TAR.       I  fancy  that  that  will  do. 
SCA.  It's  certainly  very  complete. 

PHAN.    Well  done,  you  sly  old  sap ! 
TAR.  Bravo,  you  cunning  old  mole. 

SCA.       You  very  ingenious  chap  1 
PHAN.  You  intellectual  soul! 

(All,  coming  down,  and  addressing  audience.) 
At  last  a  capital  plan  we've  got; 
Never  mind  why  and  never  mind  what : 
It's  safe  in  my  noddle — 
Now  off  we  will  toddle, 
And  slyly  develop  this  capital  plot ! 

[Business.     Exeunt  SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS  in  one  direction,  and 
TARARA  in  the  other. 

Enter  LORD  DRAMALEIOH  and  MR.  GOLDBURY. 

LORD  D.  Well,  what  do  you  think  of  our  first  South  Pacific 
Drawing  Koom?  Allowing  for  a  slight  difficulty  with  the  trains, 
and  a  little  want  of  familiarity  with  the  use  of  the  rouge-pot,  it 
was,  on  the  whole,  a  meritorious  affair? 

GOLD.  My  dear  Dramaleigh,  it  redounds  infinitely  to  your 
credit. 

LORD  D.     One  or  two  judicious  innovations,  I  think? 

GOLD.  Admirable.  The  cup  of  tea  and  the  plate  of  mixed 
biscuits  were  a  cheap  and  effective  inspiration. 

LoRoT).     Yes — -my  idea,  entirely.     Never  been  done  before. 

GOLD.  Pretty  little  maids,  the  King's  youngest  daughters,  but 
timid. 


47 

LORD  D.     That'll  wear  off.     Young. 

GOLD.  That'll  wear  off.  Hal  here  they  come,  by  George  1 
And  without  the  Dragon  1  What  can  they  have  done  with  her? 

Enter  NEK  AY  A  and  KALYBA,  timidly. 

NEK.  Oh,  if  you  please,  Lady  Sophy  has  sent  us  in  here, 
because  Zara  and  Captain  Fitzbattleaxe  are  going  on,  in  the 
garden,  in  a  manner  which  no  well-conducted  young  ladies  ought 
to  witness. 

LORD  D.     Indeed,  we  are  very  much  obliged  to  her  Ladyship. 

KAL.     Are  you?    I  wonder  why. 

NEK.     Don't  tell  us  if  it's  rude. 

LORD  D.  Rude?  Not  at  all.  We  are  obliged  to  Lady  Sophy 
because  she  has  afforded  us  the  pleasure  of  seeing  you. 

NEK.     I  don't  think  you  ought  to  talk  to  us  like  that. 

KAL.     It's  calculated  to  turn  our  heads. 

NEK.     Attractive  girls  cannot  be  too  particular. 

KAL.  Oh,  pray,  pray  do  not  take  advantage  of  our  unprotected 
innocence. 

GOLD.     Pray  be  reassured — you  are  in  no  danger  whatever. 

LORD  D.  But  may  I  ask — is  this  extreme  delicacy — this  shrink- 
ing sensitiveness — a  general  characteristic  of  Utopian  young 
ladies  ? 

NEK.     Oh  no;  we  are  crack  specimens. 

KAL.  We  are  the  pick  of  the  basket.  Would  you  mind  not 
coming  quite  so  near?  Thank  you. 

NEK.     And  please  don't  look  at  us  like  that;  it  unsettles  us. 

KAL.  And  we  don't  like  it.  At  least,  we  do  like  it;  but  it's 
wrong. 

NEK.  We  have  enjoyed  the  inestimable  privilege  of  being 
educated  by  a  most  refined  and  easily-shocked  English  lady,  on 
the  very  strictest  English  principles. 

GOLD.     But  my  dear  young  ladies 

KAL.     Oh  don't!     You  mustn't.     It's  too  affectionate, 

NEK.     It  really  does  unsettle  us. 

GOLD.  Are  you  really  under  the  impression  that  English  girls 
are  so  ridiculously  demure  ?  Why,  an  English  girl  of  the  highest 
type  is  the  best,  the  most  beautiful,  the  bravest,  and  the  brightest 
creature  that  Heaven  has  conferred  upon  this  world  of  ours.  She 
is  frank,  open-hearted  and  fearless,  and  never  shows  in  so  favour- 
able a  light  as  when  she  gives  her  own  blameless  impulses  full 
play. 

NEK  and  KAL.     Oh,  you  shocking  story  ! 

GOLD.  Not  at  all.  I'm  speaking  the  strict  truth.  I'll  tell  you 
all  about  her. 


48 

SONG.— MB.  GOLDBUBY. 
A  wonderful  joy  our  eyes  to  bless, 
In  her  magnificent  comeliness, 
Is  an  English  girl  of  eleven  stone  two, 
And  five  foot  ten  in  her  dancing  shoe ! 

She  follows  the  hounds,  and  on  she  pounds — 

The  "  field  "  tails  off  and  the  muffs  diminish- 
Over  the  hedges  and  brooks  she  bounds 

Straight  as  a  crow,  from  find  to  finish. 
At  cricket,  her  kin  will  lose  or  win — 

She  and  her  maids,  on  grass  and  clover, 
Eleven  maids  out — eleven  maids  in — 

And  perhaps  an  occasional  "  maiden  over  "!' 
Go  search  the  world  and  search  the  sea, 
Then  come  you  home  and  sing  with  me 
There's  no  such  gold.and  no  such  pearl 
As  a  bright  and  beautiful  English  girl ! 

With  a  ten-mile  spin  she  stretches 'her  limbs, 
She  golfs,  she  punts,  she  rows,  she  swims — 
She  plays,  she  sings,  she  dances,  too, 
From  ten  or  eleven  till  all  is  blue ! 

At  ball  or  drum,  till  small  hours  come, 

(Chaperon's  fan  conceals  her  yawning) 
She'll  waltz  away  like  a  teetotum, 

And  never  go  home  till  daylight's  dawning. 
Lawn  tennis  may  share  her  favours  fair — 

Her  eyes  a-dance  and  her  cheeks  a-glowing — 
Down  comes  her  hair,  but  what  does  she  care? 
It's  all  her  own  and  it's  worth  the  showing! 
Go  search  the  world,  &c. 

Her  soul  is  sweet  as  the  ocean  air, 
For  prudery  knows  no  haven  there ; 
To  find  mock-modesty,  please  apply 
To  the  conscious  blush  and  the  downcast  eye. 
Eich  in  the  things  contentment  brings, 
In  every  pure  enjoyment  wealthy, 
Blithe  as  a  beautiful  bird  she  sings, 

For  body  and  mind  are  hale  and  healthy. 
Her  eyes  they  thrill  with  right  goodwill — 

Her  heart  is  light  as  a  floating  feather — 
As  pure  and  bright  as  the  mountain  rill 

That  leaps  and  laughs  in  the  Highland  heather ! 
Go  search  the  world,  &c. 


49 

QUARTETTE. 

NEK.     Then  I  may  sing  and  play? 
LORD  D.  You  may  1 

KAL.     And  I  may  laugh  and  shout? 
GOLD.  No  doubt! 

NEK.     These  maxims  you  endorse? 
LORD  D.  Of  course  1 

KAL.     You  won't  exclaim  "  Oh  fie!  " 
GOLD.  .  Not  I ! 

GOLD.  Whatever  you  are — be  that : 

Whatever  you  say — be  true : 

Straightforwardly  act — 
Be  honest — in  fact 

Be  nobody  else  but  you. 

LORD  D.          Give  every  answer  pat — 

Your  character  true  unfurl; 

And  when  it  is  ripe, 
You'll  then  be  a  type 
Of  a  capital  English  girl. 

ALL.  Oh  sweet  surprise — oh  dear  delight, 

To  find  it  undisputed  quite, 
All  musty,  fusty  rules  despite, 
That  Art  is  wrong  and  Nature  right  1 

NEK.  When  happy  I, 

With  laughter  glad 

I'll  wake  the  echoes  fairly, 
And  only  sigh 

When  I  am  sad — 

And  that  will  be  but  rarely  I 
KAL.  I'll  row  and  fish, 

And  gallop,  soon — 

No  longer  be  a  prim  one — 
And  when  I  wish 
To  hum  a  tune, 

It  needn't  be  a  hymn  one? 

GoLoandLoRoD.  No,  nol 

It  needn't  be  a  hymn  one! 

ALL  (dancing).  Oh,  sweet  surprise  and  dear  delight 
To  find  it  undisputed  quite — 
All  musty,  fusty  rules  despite — 
That  Art  is  wrong  and  Nature  right ! 

[Dance,  and  off. 


50 

Enter  LADY  SOPHY. 
KECIT.— LADY  SOPHY. 

Oh,  would  some  demon  power  the  gift  impart 
To  quell  my  over-conscientious  heart — 
Unspeak  the  oaths  that  never  had  been  spoken, 
And  break  the  vows  that  never  shall  be  broken  1 

SONG.— LADY  SOPHY. 

When  but  a  maid  of  fifteen  year, 

Unsought — unplighted — 
Short  petticoated — and,  I  fear, 

Still  shorter-sighted — 
I  made  a  vow,  one  early  spring, 
That  only  to  some  spotless  king 
Who  proof  of  blameless  life  could  bring 

I'd  be  united. 

For  I  had  read,  not  long  before, 
Of  blameless  kings  in  fairy  lore, 
And  thought  the  race  still  flourished  here — 

Well,  well— 
I  was  a  maid  of  fifteen  year ! 

The  KING  enters  and  overhears  this  verse. 

Each  morning  I  pursued  my  game 

(An  early  riser) ; 
For  spotless  monarchs  I  became 

An  advertiser: 

But  all  in  vain  I  searched  each  land, 
So,  kingless,  to  my  native  strand 
Eeturned,  a  little  older,  and 

A  good  deal  wiser! 

I  learnt  that  spotless  King  and  Prince 
Have  disappeared  some  ages  since — 
Even  Paramount 's  angelic  grace 

Ah,  me! 
Is  but  a  mask  on  Nature's  face! 

(KiNo  comes  forward. 

EECIT. 

KING.  Ah,  Lady  Sophy — then  you  love  me ! 

For  so  you  sing — 


01 

LADY  S.  No,  by  the  stars  that  shine  above  me 

(indignant  and  surprised).    Degraded  King  I 
(Producing  "  Palace  Peeper.") 

For  while  these  rumours,  through  the  city  bruited 
Remain  uncontradicted,  unrefuted, 
The  object  thou  of  my  aversion  rooted, 
Repulsive  thing  1 

KINO.          Be  just — the  time  is  now  at  hand 

When  truth  may  published  be 
These  paragraphs  were  written  and 
Contributed  by  me! 

LADY  S.      By  you?    No,  no  I 

KINO.  Yes,  yes,  I  swear,  by  me ! 

I,  caught  in  Scaphio's  ruthless  toil, 
Contributed  the  lot  I 

LADY  S.       And  that  is  why  you  did  not  boil 
The  author  on  the  spot ! 

KINO.          And  that  is  why  I  did  not  boil 
The  author  on  the  spot ! 

LADY  S.       I  couldn't  think  why  you  did  not  boil! 

KINO.  But  1  know  why  I  did  not  boil 

The  author  on  the  spot ! 

DUET.— LADY  SOPHY  and  KINO. 

LADY  S.       Oh,  the  rapture  unrestrained 
Of  a  candid  retractation ! 
For  my  sovereign  has  deigned 

A  convincing  explanation — 
And  the  clouds  that  gathered  o'er, 

All  have  vanished  in  the  distance, 
And  of  Kings  of  fairy  lore 

One,  at  least,  is  in  existence ! 

KINO.  Oh,  the  skies  are  blue  above, 

And  the  earth  is  red  and  rosal, 
Now  the  lady  of  my  love 

Has  accepted  my  proposal  1 
For  that  asinorum  pons 

I  have  crossed  without  assistance, 
And  of  prudish  paragons 

One,  at  least,  is  in  existence  1 


52 

(KING  and  LADY  SOPHY  dance  gracefully.  While  this  is 
going  on  LORD  DRAMALEIGH  enters  unobserved  with 
NEKAYA  and  MR.  GOLDBDRY  with  KALYBA.  Then 
enter  ZARA  and  CAPT.  FITZBATTLEAXE.  The  two  girls 
direct  ZARA'S  attention  to  the  KING  and  LADY  SOPHY, 
who  are  still  dancing  affectionately  together.  At 
this  point  the  KING  kisses  LADY  SOPHY,  which  causes 
the  Princesses  to  make  an  exclamation.  The  KING 
and  LADY  SOPHY  are  at  first  much  confused  at  being 
detected,  but  eventually  throw  off  all  reserve,  and 
the  four  couples  break  into  a  wild  Tarantella,  and  at 
the  end  exeunt  severally.) 

Enter  all  the  male  Chorus,  in  great  excitement,  from 
various  entrances,  led  by  SCAPHIO,  PHANTIS,  and 
TARARA,  and  followed  by  the  female  Chorus. 

CHOKUS. 

Upon  our  sea-girt  land 
At  our  enforced  command 
Keform  has  laid  her  hand 

Like  some  remorseless  ogress — 
And  make  us  darkly  rue 
The  deeds  she  dared  to  do — 
And  all  is  owing  to 

Those  hated  Flowers  of  Progress ! 
So  down  with  them ! 
So  down  with  them! 
Eeform's  a  hated  ogress. 
So  down  with  them! 
So  down  with  them! 
"Down  with  the  Flowers  of  Progress. 
(Flourish.     Enter  KING,  his  three  daughters,  LADY 

SOPHY,  and  the  FLOWERS  OF  PROGRESS.) 
KING.       What  means  this  most  unmannerly  irruption  ? 
Is  this  your  gratitude  for  boons  conferred  ? 

SCA.         Boons?    Bah!     A  fico  for  such  boons,  say  we! 
These  boons  have  brought  Utopia  to  a  standstill ! 
Our  pride  and  boast — the  Army  and  the  Navy — 
Have  both  been  re-constructed  and  re-modelled 
Upon  so  irresistible  a  basis 

That  all  the  neighbouring  nations  have  disarmed — 
And  War's  impossible !    Your  County  Councillor 
Has  passed  such  drastic  Sanitary  laws 


53 

That  all  the  doctors  dwindle,  starve,  and  die ! 

The  laws,  re-modelled  by  Sir  Bailey  Barre, 

Have  quite  extinguished  crime  and  litigation : 

The  lawyers  starve,  and  all  the  jails  are  let 

As  model  lodgings  for  the  working-classes! 

In  short — 

Utopia,  swamped  by  dull  Prosperity, 

Demands  that  these  detested  Flowers  of  Progress 

Be  sent  about  their  business,  and  affairs 

Restored  to  their  original  complexion ! 

KING  (to  ZARA).  My  daughter,  this  is  a  very  unpleasant  state 
of  things  What  is  to  be  done? 

ZARA.  I  don't  know — I  don't  understand  it.  We  must  have 
omitted  something. 

KINO.     Omitted  something?    Yes,  that's  all  very  well,  but— 
(SiR  BAILEY  BARRE  whispers  to  ZARA.) 

ZARA  (suddenly).  Of  course!  Now  I  remember!  Why,  I  had 
forgotten  the  most  essential  element  of  all ! 

KING.     And  that  is? — 

\ 

ZARA.  Government  by  Party  1  Introduce  that  great  and 
glorious  element — at  once  the  bulwark  and  foundation  of 
England's  greatness — and  all  will  be  well!  No  political  measures 
will  endure,  because  one  Party  will  assuredly  undo  all  that  the 
other  Party  has  done;  and  while  grouse  is  to  be  shot,  and  foxes 
worried  to  death,  the  legislative  action  of  the  country  will  be  at 
a  standstill.  Then  there  will  be  sickness  in  plenty,  endless  law- 
suits, crowded  jails,  interminable  confusion  in  the  Army  and 
Navy,  and,  in  short,  general  and  unexampled  prosperity! 

ALL      Ulahlica!    Ulahlical 

PHAN.  (aside).     Baffled! 

SCA.     But  an  hour  will  come ! 

KING.  Your  hour  has  come  already— away  with  them,  and  let 
them  wait  my  will !  (SCAPHIO  and  PHANTIS  are  led  off  in  custody.] 
From  this  moment  Government  by  Party  is  adopted,  with  all  its 
attendant  blessings;  and  henceforward  Utopia  will  no  longer  be  a 
Monarchy  (Limited),  but,  what  is  a  great  deal  better,  a  Limited 
Monarchy ! 


64 

FINALE. 

ZARA.  There's  a  little  group  of  isles  beyond  the  wave — 

So  tiny,  you  might  almost  wonder  where  it  is — 
That  nation  is  the  bravest  of  the  brave, 

And  cowards  are  the  rarest  of  all  rarities. 
The  proudest  nations  kneel  at  her  command 

She  terrifies  all  foreign-born  rapscallions; 
And  holds  the  peace  of  Europe  in  her  hand 
With  half  a  score  invincible  battalions ! 
Such,  at  least,  is  the  tale 
Which  is  borne  on  the  gale, 

From  the  island  which  dwells  in  the  sea 
Let  us  hope,  for  her  sake, 
That  she  makes  no  mistake — 

That  she's  all  she  professes  to  be! 

KING.  Oh  may  we  copy  all  her  maxims  wise, 

And  imitate  her  virtues  and  her  charities; 
And  may  we,  by  degrees,  acclimatize 

Her  Parliamentary  peculiarities ! 
By  doing  so,  we  shall,  in  course  of  time, 

Eegenerate  completely  our  entire  land — 
Great  Britain  is  that  monarchy  sublime, 

To  which  some  add  (but  others  do  not)  Ireland. 
Such,  at  least,  is  the  tale,  &c. 


CURTAIN 


UNIVERSITY  Of  TORONTO 

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EDWARD  JOHNSON 
MUSIC  LIBRARY 


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