UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
Presented to the
EDWARD JOHNSON Music LIBRARY
by
Dr. Boyd Neel
Planquette, Robert
Les Cloches de Corneville
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
Presented to the
EDWARD JOHNSON Music Li
by
Dr. Boyd Neel
UTOPIA
LIMITED
OR,
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
BY
W. S. GILBERT
AND
ARTHUR SULLIVAN^
PRICE. ONE SHILLING,
CHAPPELL & CO., Ltd.
SO, NEW BOND STREET, LONDON, W.I.
NEW YORK SYDNEY
*21558
All Rights under the Copyright Act, 1911, and the International
Copyright Conventions are reserved. Applications for the right of
performing the above Opera, including the use of band parts, must be
made to Rupert D'Oyly Carte, Savoy Hotel, London, W.C. 2.
MADE IN ENGLAND.
CH
^RARY
UTOf IATFR-
LIMITED
THE FLOWERS OF PR
gramatis
KINO PARAMOUNT THE FIRST King of Utopia
jrHANTm \
o I Judge* of the Utopian Supreme Court
TARARA The Public Exploder
CALYNX The Utopian Vice-Chamberlain
IMPORTED FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
LORD DRAMALEIGH A British Lord Chamberlain
CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE First Life Guards
CAPTAIN SIR EDWARD CORCORAN, K.C.B. Of (he Royal Navy
MR. GOLDBURY A Company Promoter
Afterwards Comptroller of the Utopian Household
SIR BAILEY BARRE, Q.C., M.P.
MR. BLUSHINOTON Of the County Council
THE PRINCESS ZARA ... Eldest Daughter of King Paramount
THE PRINCESS NEKAYAI
THE PRINCESS KALYBA \ " ' Her Youn er 8ui9n
THE LADY SOPHY Their English Gouvernante
SALATA }
MELENE > ... * Utopian Maidens
PHYLLA j
ACT I. A UTOPIAN PALM GROVE.
ACT II. THRONE ROOM IN KINO PARAMOUNT 's PALACE.
UTOPIA
LIMITED
OR
THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.
ACT I.
SCENE. A Utopian Palm Grove in the garden of KING PARA-
MOUNT'S Palace, showing a picturesque and luxuriant Tropical
landscape, with the sea in the distance. SALATA, MELENE, PHYLLA,
and other Maidens discovered, lying lazily about the stage and
thoroughly enjoying themselves in lotos-eating fashion.
OPENING CHOKUS.
In lazy languor motionless,
We lie and dream of nothingness;
For visions come
From Poppydom
Direct at our command
Or, delicate alternative,
In open idleness we live,
With lyre and lute
And silver flute,
The life of Lazyland !
SOLO. PHYLLA.
The song of birds
In ivied towers;
The rippling play
Of waterway;
The lowing herds;
The breath of flowers;
The languid loves
Of turtle doves
These simple joys are all at hand
Upon thy shores, Lazyland!
CHORUS.
In lazy languor, &c.
Enter CALYNX.
CALYNX. Good news! Great news! His Majesty's eldest
daughter, Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since to
go to England the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest
country in the world has taken a high degree at Girton, and is
on her way home again, having achieved a complete mastery over
all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious country
to her present pre-eminent position among civilized nations !
SALATA. Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be com-
pletely Anglicized?
CAL. Absolutely and without a doubt.
MELENE (lazily}. We are very well as we are. Life without a
care every want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch, who,
despot though he be, has no other thought than to make his
people happy what have we to gain by the great change that is
in store for us?
SAL. What have we to gain? English institutions, English
tastes, and oh, English fashions I
CAL. England has made herself what she is because, in that
favoured land, everyone has to think for himself. Here we have
no need to think, because our monarch anticipates all our wants,
and our political opinions are formed for us by the journals to
which we subscribe. Oh, think how much more brilliant this
dialogue would have been, if we had been accustomed to exercise
our reflective powers ! They say that in England the conversation
of the very meanest is a coruscation of impromptu epigram !
Enter TARARA in a great rage.
TARARA. Lalabalele talala ! Callabale lalabalica falahle !
CAL. (horrified). Stop stop, I beg! (All the ladies close their
ears.)
TARARA. Callamalala galalate! Caritalla lalabalee kallalale
poo!
LADIES. Oh, stop him ! stop him !
CAL. My Lord, I'm surprised at you. Are you not aware that
His Majesty, in his despotic acquiescence with the emphatic wish
of his people, has ordered that the Utopian language shall be
banished from his court, and that all communications shall hence-
forward be made in the English tongue?
TARARA. Yes, I'm perfectly aware of it, although (suddenly
presenting an explosive " cracker "). Stop allow me.
CAL. (pulls it.) Now, what's that for?
TARARA. Why, I've recently been appointed Public Exploder
to His Majesty, and as I'm constitutionally nervous, I must
accustom myself by degrees to the startling nature of my duties.
Thank you. I was about to say that although, as Public Exploder,
I am next in succession to the throne, I nevertheless do my best
to fall in with the royal decree. But when I am over-mastered by
an indignant sense of overwhelming wrong, as I am now, I slip
into my native tongue without knowing it. I am told that in
the language of that great and pure nation, strong expressions do
not exist, consequently when I want to let off steam I have no
alternative but to say, " Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo! "
CAL. But what is your grievance ?
TARARA. This by our Constitution we are governed by a Despot
who, although in theory, absolute is, in practice, nothing of the
kind being watched day and night by two Wise Men whose duty
it is, on his very first lapse from political or social propriety, to
denounce him to me, the Public Exploder, and it then becomes
my duty to blow up His Majesty with dynamite allow me (pre-
senting a cracker which CALYNX pulls), thank you and, as some
compensation to my wounded feelings, I reign in his stead.
CAL. Yes. After many unhappy experiments in the direction
of an ideal Republic, it was found that what may be described as
a Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole, the
most satisfactory description of ruler an autocrat who dares not
abuse his autocratic power.
TARARA. That's the theory but in practice, how does it act?
Now,. do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper? (producing a
" Society " Paper).
CAL. Never even heard of the journal.
TARARA. I'm not surprised, because His Majesty's agents
always buy up the whole edition; but I have an aunt in the
publishing department, and she has supplied me with a copy.
Well, it actually teems with circumstantially convincing details of
the King's abominable immoralities! If this high-class journal
may be believed, His Majesty is one of the most Heliogabalian
profligates that ever disgraced an autocratic throne! And do
these Wise Men denounce him to me ? Not a bit of it ! They
wink at his immoralities! Under the circumstances I really
think I am justified in exclaiming " Lalabalele molola lililah kala-
balele poo! " (all horrified.) I don't care the occasion demands
[Exit TARARA.
March. Enter Guard, escorting SCAPHIO and PHAKTIS.
CHOKUS.
make way for the Wise Men 1
They are prizemen
Double-first in the world's university 1
For though lovely this island,
(Which is my land),
She has no one to match them in her city.
They're the pride of Utopia
Cornucopia
Is each in his mental fertility.
O they never make blunder,
And no wonder,
For they're triumphs of infallibility.
DUET. SCAPHIO and PHANTIS.
In every mental lore,
(The statement smacks of vanity),
We claim to rank before
The wisest of humanity.
As gifts of head and heart
We wasted on " utility,"
We're " cast " to play a part
Of great responsibility.
Our duty is to spy
Upon our King's illicities,
And keep a watchful eye
On all his eccentricities.
If ever a trick he tries
That savours of rascality,
At our decree he dies
Without bhe least formality.
We fear no rude rebuff,
Or newspaper publicity;
Our word is quite enough,
The rest is electricity.
A pound of dynamite
Explodes in his auriculars:
It's not a pleasant sight
We'll spare you the particulars.
It's force all men confess,
The King needs no admonishing
We may say its success
Is something quite astonishing.
Our despot it imbues
With virtues quite delectable;
He minds his P's and Q's,
And keeps himself respectable.
Of a tyrant polite
He's a paragon quite.
He's as modest and mild
In his ways as a child;
And no one ever met
With an autocrat, yet,
So delightfully bland
To the least in the land !
So make way for the wise men, &c.
Exeunt all but SCAPHIO and PHANTIS. PHANTIS is pensive.
SCA. Phantis, you are not in your customary exuberant spirits
What is wrong ?
PHAN. Scaphio, I think you once told me that you have never
loved?
SCA. Never 1 I have often marvelled at the fairy influence
which weaves its rosy web about the faculties of the greatest and
wisest of our race; but I thank Heaven I have never been sub-
jected to its singular fascination. For, Phantis! there is that
within me that tells me that when my time does come, the convul-
sion will be tremendous! When / love, it will be with the
accumulated fervour of sixty-six years ! But I have an ideal a
semi-transparent Being, filled with an inorganic pink jelly and I
have never yet seen the woman who approaches within measurable
distance of it. All are opaque opaque opaque !
PHAN. Keep that ideal firmly before you, and love not until
you find her. Though but fifty-five, I am an old campaigner in
the battle-fields of Love; and. believe me, it is better to be as
you are, heart-free and happy^, than as I am eternally racked
with doubting agonies ! Scaphio, the Princess Zara returns from
England to-day !
SCA. My poor boy, I see it all.
PHAN. Oh, Scaphio, she is so beautiful. Ah! you smile, for
you have never seen her. She sailed for England three months
before you took office.
SCA. Now tell me, is your affection requited?
PHAN. I do not know I am not sure. Sometimes I think it
is, and then come these torturing doubts ! I feel sure that she
8
does not regard me with absolute indifference, for she could never
look at me without having to go to bed with a sick headache.
SCA. That is surely something. Come, take heart, boy! you
are young and beautiful. What more could maiden want?
PHAN. Ah ! Scaphio, remember she returns from a land where
every youth is as a young Greek god, and where such poor beauty
as I can boast is seen at every turn.
SCA. Be of good cheer 1 Marry her, boy, if so your fancy
wills, and be sure that love will come.
PHAN. (overjoyed). Then you will assist me in this?
SCA. Why, surely! Silly one, what have you to fear? We
have but to say the word, and her father must consent. Is he not
our very slave? Come, take heart. I cannot bear to see you sad.
PHAN. Now I may hope, indeed! Scaphio, you have placed
me on the very pinnacle of human joy !
DUET. SCAPHIO and PHANTIS.
SCA. Let all your doubts take wing
Our influence is great.
If Paramount our King
Presume to hesitate,
Put on the screw,
And caution him
That he will rue
Disaster grim
That must ensue
To life and limb,
Should he pooh-pooh
This harmless whim.
BOTH. This harmless whim this harmless whim,
It is, as < V. say, a harmless whim.
PHAN. (dancing). Observe this dance
Which I employ
When I, by chance,
Go mad with joy.
What sentiment
Does this express?
(PHANTIS continues his dance while SCAPHIO vainly endeavours
to discover its meaning.)
Supreme content
And happiness!
9
BOTH. And happiness and happiness
Of course it does and happiness !
PHAN. Your friendly aid conferred,
I need no longer pine.
I've but to speak the word,
And lo ! the maid is mine t
I do not choose
To be denied.
Or wish to lose
A lovely bride
If to refuse
The King decide,
The Royal shoes
Then woe betide I
BOTH. Then woe betide then woe betide
The Royal shoes then woe betide !
SCA. (dancing). This step to use
I condescend
Whene'er I choose
To serve a friend.
What it implies
Now try to guess;
[ScA. continues his dance while PHANTIS is vainly endeavouring to
discover its meaning.]
It typifies
Unselfishness !
BOTH (dancing). Unselfishness! Unselfishness!
Of course it does unselfishness 1
This step to use
We condescend! &c.
[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS.
March. Enter KING PARAMOUNT attended by guards and nobles
and preceded by girls dancing before him.
CHORUS.
Quaff the nectar cull the roses
Gather fruit and flowers in plenty !
For our King no longer poses
Sing the songs of far niente !
10
Wake the lute that sets us lilting,
Dance a welcome, to each comer;
Day by day our year is wilting
Sing the sunny songs of summer !
La, la, la, la!
SONG. KINO.
A King of autocratic power we
A despot whose tyrannic will is law
Whose rule is paramount o'er land and sea,
A Presence of unutterable awe 1
But though the awe that I inspire
Must shrivel with imperial fire
All foes whom it may chance to touch,
To judge by what I see and hear,
It does not seem to interfere
With popular enjoyment, much.
CHORUS. No, no it does not interfere
With our enjoyment much.
EECIT. KING
My subjects all, it is your wish emphatic
That all Utopia shall henceforth be modelled
Upon that glorious country called Great Britain-
To which some add but others do not Ireland.
ALL. It is !
KINO. That being so, as you insist upon it,
We have arranged that our two younger daughters
Who have been " finished " by an English Lady
(tenderly) A grave, and good, and gracious English Lady
Shall daily be exhibited in public,
That all may learn what, from the English stand-point,
Is looked upon as mainly perfection 1
Come hither, daughters I
Enter NEEAYA and KALYBA. They are twins, about
fifteen years old; they are very modest and demure
in their appearance, dress, and manner. They
stand with their hands folded and their eyes cast
down.
11
CHORUS.
flow fair 1 how modest 1 how discreet
How bashfully demure I
See how they blush, as they've been taught,
At this publicity unsought 1
How English and how pure !
DUET. NEKAYA and KALYBA.
BOTH. Although of native maids the cream,
We're brought up on the English scheme
. The best of all
For great and small
Who modesty adore.
NBX. For English girls are good as gold,
Extremely modest (so we're told),
Demurely coy divinely cold
KAL. And we are that and more.
To please papa, who argues thus
All girls should mould themselves on us
Because we are
By furlongs far
The best of all the bunch,
We show ourselves to loud applause
From ten to four without a pause
NEK. Which is an awkward time because
It cuts into our lunch.
BOTH. Oh, maids of high and low degree,
Whose social code is rather free,
Please look at us and you will see
Wljat good young ladies ought to be I
NEK. And as we stand, like clockwork toys,
A lecturer whom papa employs
Proceeds to praise
Our modest ways
And guileless character
KAL. Our well-known blush our downcast eyes
Our famous look of mild surprise
NEK. (Which competition still defies)
KAL. Our celebrated " Sir! ! ! "
Then all the crowd take down our looks
In pocket memorandum books.
To diagnose Our modest pose
The Kodaks do their best :
12
NEK. If evidence you would possess
Of what is maiden bashfulness,
You only need a button press
KAL. And we do all the rest.
Enter LADY SOPHY an English lady of mature years and
extreme gravity of demeanour and dress. She carries
a lecturer's wand in her hand. She is led on by the
KINO, who expresses great regard and admiration for
her.
RECIT. LADY SOPHY.
This morning we propose to illustrate
A course of maiden courtship, from the start
To the triumphant matrimonial finish.
(Through the following song the two princesses illustrate
in gesture the description given by LADY SOPHY.)
SONG. LADY SOPHY.
Bold-faced ranger
(Perfect stranger)
Meets two well-behaved young ladies.
He's attractive,
Young and active
Each a little bit afraid is.
Youth advances,
At his glances
To their danger they awaken ;
They repel him
As they tell him
He is very much mistaken.
Though they speak to him politely,
Please observe they're sneering slightly,
Just to show he's acting vainly.
This is Virtue saying plainly,
Go away, young bachelor,
We are not what you take us for! "
When addressed impertinently,
English ladies answer gently,
" Go away, young bachelor,
We are .not what you take us for! "
As he gazes,
Hat he raises,
Enters into conversation.
13
Makes excuses
This produces
Interesting agitation.
He, with daring,
Undespairing,
Gives his card his rank discloses
Little heeding
This proceeding,
They turn up their little noses.
Pray observe this lesson vital
When a man of rank and title
His position first discloses,
Always cock your little noses.
When at home, let all the class
Try this in the looking-glass.
English girls of well-bred notions,
Shun all unrehearsed emotions,
English girls of highest class
Practise them before the glass.
His intentions
Then he mentions.
Something definite to go on
Makes recitals
Of his titles,
Hints at settlements, and so on.
Smiling sweetly,
They, discreetly,
Ask for further evidences :
Thus invited,
He, delighted,
Gives the usual references.
This is business. Each is flattered
When the offer's fairly uttered.
Which of them has his affection? "
He declines to makes selection.
Do they quarrel for his dross?
Not a bit of it they toss!
Please observe this cogent moral
English ladies never quarrel.
When a doubt they come across,
English ladies always toss
14
KECIT. LADY SOPHY.
The lecture's ended, la ten minutes' space
'Twill be repeated in the market-place !
[Exit LADY SOPHY, followed by NEKAYA and KALYBA.
CHORUS.
Quaff the nectar cull the roses
Bashful girls will soon be plenty !
Maid who thus at fifteen poses
Ought to be divine at twenty !
[Exit CHORUS. Manet KING.
KING. I requested Scaphio and Phantis to be so good as to
favour me with an audience this morning. (Enter SCAPHIO and
PHANTIS.) Oh, here they are !
SCA. Your Majesty wished to speak with us, I believe. You
you needn't keep your crown on, on our account, you know.
KING. I beg your pardon (removes it). I always forget that!
Odd, the notion of a King not being allowed to wear one of his
own crowns in the presence of two of his own subjects.
PHAN. Yes bizarre, is it not?
KING. Most quaint. But then it's a quaint world.
PHAN. Teems with quiet fun. I often think what a lucky
thing it is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humour !
KING. Do you know, I find it invaluable. Do what I will, 1
cannot help looking at the humorous side of things for, properly
considered, everything has its humorous side even the Palace
Peeper (producing it). See here " Another Royal Scandal," by
Junius Junior. " How long is this to last? " by Senex Senior.
" Ribald Royalty," by Mercury Major. " Where is the Public
Exploder? " by Mephistopheles Minor. When I reflect that all
these outrageous attacks on my morality are written by me, at
your command well, it's one of the funniest things that have
come within the scope of my experience.
SCA. Besides, apart from that, they have a quiet humour of
their own which is simply irresistible.
KING (gratified). Not bad, I think. Biting, trenchant sarcasm
the rapier, not the bludgeon that's my line. But then it's so
easy I'm such a good subject a Bad King but a good Subject
ha ! ha ! a capital heading for next week's leading article !
(makes a note). And then the stinging little paragraphs about
our Royal goings-on with our Royal Second Housemaid delicately
sub-acid, are they not?
SCA. My dear King, in that kind of thing no one can hold a
candle to you.
15
PHAN. But the crowning joke is the Comic Opera you've
written for us " King Tuppence, or A Good deal Less than Half
a Sovereign " in which the celebrated English tenor, Mr.
Wilkinson, burlesques your personal appearance and gives
grotesque imitations of your Eoyal peculiarities. It's immense!
KING. Ye es That's what I wanted to speak to you about.
Now I've not the least doubt but that even that has its humorous
side, too if one could only see it. As a rule, I'm pretty quick at
detecting latent humour but I confess I do not quite see where it
comes in, in this particular instance. It's so horribly personal !
SCA. Personal? Yes, of course it's personal but consider the
antithetical humour of the situation.
KINO. Yes. I I don't think I've quite grasped that.
SCA. No? You surprise me. Why consider. During the day
thousands tremble at your frown, during the night (from 8 to 11)
thousands roar at it. During the day your most arbitrary pro-
nouncements are received by your subjects with abject submission
during the night, they shout with joy at your most terrible
decrees. It's not every monarch who enjoys the privilege of
undoing by night all the despotic absurdities he's committed
during the day.
KINO. Of course ! Now I see it 1 Thank you very much I
was sure it had its humorous side, and it was very dull of me not
to have seen it before. But, as I said just now, it's a quaint
world.
PHAN. Teems with quiet fun.
KINO. Yes. Properly considered, what a farce life is, to be
Burel
SONG KINO.
First you're born and I'll be bound you
Find a dozen strangers round you.
" Hallo," cries the new-born baby,
4 Where's my parents? which may they be?
Awkward silence no reply
Puzzled baby wonders why !
Father rises, bows politely
Mother smiles, (but not too brightly)
Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing
Nurse is busy mixing something.
Every symptom tends to show
You're decidedly de trop
16
ALL. Ho! ho ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!
Time's teetotum,
If you spin it
Gives its quotum
Once a minute.
I'll go bail
You hit the nail,
And if you fail
The deuce is in it !
You grow up, and you discover
What it is to be a lover.
Some young lady is selected
Poor, perhaps, but well-connected,
Whom you hail (for Love is blind)
As the Queen of fairy kind.
Though she's plain perhaps unsightly,
Makes her face up laces tightly,
In her form your fancy traces
All the gifts of all the graces.
Eivals none the maiden woo,
So you take her and she takes you !
ALL. Ho ! ho ! ho 1 ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho !
Joke beginning,
Never ceases
Till your inning
Time releases,
On your way
You blindly stray,
And day by day
The joke increases !
Ten years later Time progresses
Sours your temper thins your tresses;
Fancy, then, her chain relaxes ;
Rates are facts and so are taxes.
Fairy Queen's no longer young
Fairy Queen has got a tongue.
Twins have probably intruded
Quite unbidden just as you did
They're a source of care and trouble.
Just as you were only double.
Comes at last the final stroke
Time has had his little joke I
17
ALL Ho 1 ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho t
Daily driven
(Wife as drover)
111 you've thriven
Ne'er in clover
Lastly, when
Three-score and ten
(And not till then),
The joke is over !
Ho I ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho !
Then and then
The joke is overl
[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS. Manet KINO.
KINO (putting on his crown again). It's all very well. I always
like to look on the humorous side of things ; but I do not think I
ought to be required to write libels on my own moral character.
Naturally, I see the joke of it anybody would but Zara's coming
home to-day; she's no longer a child, and I confess I should not
like her to see my Opera though it's uncommonly well written;
and I should be sorry if the Palace Peeper got into her hands
though it's certainly smart very smart indeed. It is almost a
pity that I have to buy up the whole edition, because it's really too
good to be lost. And Lady Sophy that blameless type of perfect
womanhood ! Great Heavens, what would she say if the Second
Housemaid business happened to meet her pure blue eye !
Enter LADY SOPHY.
LADY S. My monarch is soliloquizing. I will withdraw (going).
KING. No pray don't go. Now I'll give you fifty chances,
and you won't guess whom I was thinking of.
LADY S. Alas, sir, I know too well. Ah ! King, it's an old,
old story, and I'm well nigh weary of it! Be warned in time
from my heart I pity you, but I am not for you ! (going).
KING. But hear what I have to say.
LADY S. It is useless. Listen. In the course of a long and
adventurous career in the principal European Courts, it has been
revealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird and super-
natural fascination over all Crowned Heads. So irresistible is
this singular property, that there is not a European Monarch
who has not implored me, with tears in his eyes, to quit his
kingdom, and take my fatal charms elsewhere. As time was
getting on it occurred to me that by descending several pegs in
18
the scale of Respectability I might qualify your Majesty for my
hand. Actuated by this humane motive and happening to
possess Respectability enough for Six, I consented to confer
Respectability enough for Four upon your two younger daughters
but although I have, alas, only Respectability enough for Two
left, there is still, as I gather from the public press of this country
(producing the Palace Peeper), a considerable balance in my
favour.
KINO (aside). Da I (Aloud.) May I ask how you came by
this?
LADY S. It was handed to me by the officer who holds the
position of Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty.
KINO. And surely, Lady Sophy, surely you are not so unjust
as to place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the Society
press!
LADY S. (referring to paper). I read on the authority of Senex
Senior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your Second
Housemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli Gardens. That
is untrue ?
KINO. Absolutely. Our Second Housemaid has only one leg.
LADY S. (suspiciously). How do you know that?
KINO. Common report, I give you my honour.
LADY S. It may be so. I further read and the statement is
vouched for by no less an authority than Mephistopheles Minor
that your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum-punch every
morning. I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge of dis-
playing an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of the royal
dressing-room when I ask if there is any foundation for this
statement ?
KING. None whatever. When our medical adviser exhibits
rum-punch it is as a draught, not as a fomentation. As to our
bath, our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning.
LADY S. (shocked). Oh, pray pray spare me these unseemly
details. Well, you are a Despot have you taken steps to slay
this scribbler?
KING. Well, no I have not gone so far as that. After all
it s the poor devil's living, you know.
LADY S. It is the poor devil's living that surprises me If
this man lies there is no recognized punishment that is
sufficiently terrible for him.
19
KING. That's precisely it. I I am waiting until a punish-
ment is discovered that will exactly meet the enormity of the
case. I am in constant communication with the Mikado of
Japan, who is a leading authority on such points; and, moreover,
I have the ground plans and sectional elevations of several
capital punishments in my desk at this moment. Oh, Lady
Sophy, as you are powerful, be merciful!
DUET. KINO and LADY SOPHY.
KING. Subjected to our heavenly gaze
(Poetical phrase),
My brain is turned completely.
Observe me now,
No Monarch, I vow,
Was ever so far afflicted !
LADY S. I'm pleased with that poetical phrase,
" A heavenly gaze,"
But though you put it neatly.
Say what you will,
These paragraphs still
Kemain uncontradicted.
Come, crush me this contemptible worm
(A forcible term),
If he's assailed you wrongly.
The rage display,
Which, as you say,
Has moved your Majesty lately.
KING Though I admit that forcible term,
" Contemptible worm,"
Appeals to me most strongly,
To treat this pest
As you suggest
Would pain my Majesty greatly
LADY S. This writer lies!
KING. Yes, bother his eyes!
LADY S. He lives, you say ?
KING. In a sort of way.
LADY S. Then have him shot.
KING. Decidedly not.
LADY S Or crush him flat.
KING I cannot do that.
20
BOTH. royal Bex,
r TIT.. ^
. blameless sex
Abhors such conduct shady.
. plead in vain,
i U > never will gain
Respectable English lady!
[Dance of repudiation by LADY SOPHY. Exit, followed
by KING.]
March. Enter all the Court, heralding the arrival of the
PRINCESS ZARA, who enters, escorted by CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE
and four troopers, all in the full uniform of the First Life Guards.
CHORUS.
Oh, maiden, rich
In Girton lore,
That wisdom which
We prized before,
We do confess
Is nothingness,
And rather less,
Perhaps, than more.
On each of us
Thy learning shed.
On calculus
May we be fed.
And teach us, please,
To speak with ease
All languages,
Alive and dead!
SOLO PRINCESS and CHORUS.
ZARA. Five years have flown since I took wing
Time flies, and his footstep ne'er retards-
I'm the eldest daughter of your king.
TROOPERS. And we are her escort First Life Guards '
On the royal yacht,
When the waves were white,
In a helmet hot
And a tunic tight,
And our great big boots,
We defied the storm :
21
For we're not recruits,
And his uniform
A well-drilled trooper ne'er discards
And we are her escort First Life Guards !
ZARA. These gentlemen I present to you,
The pride and boast of their barrack-yards;
They've taken such care of me!
TROOPERS. For we are her escort First Life Guards !
When the tempest rose,
And the ship went ao
Do you suppose
We were ill ? No, no 1
Though a qualmish lot
In a tunic tight,
And a helmet hot,
And a breastplate bright
(Which a well-drilled trooper ne'er discards).
We stood as her escort First Life Guards !
FULL CHORUS.
Knightsbridge nursemaids serving fairies
Stars of proud Belgravian airies;
At stern duty's call you leave them,
.. Though you know how that must grieve them I
ZARA. Tantantarara-rara-rara !
(3 A PT.FITZ. Trumpet-call of Princess Zara!
CHORUS. That's trump-call, and they're all trump cards
They are her escort First Life Guards !
ENSEMBLE.
CHORUS.
LADIES. Knightsbridge nurse-
maids, &c.
MEN. When soldier seeks, &c.
PRINCESS ZARA and FITZBATTLE-
AXE (aside)
Oh ! the hours are gold,
And the joys untold,
When my eyes behold
My beloved Princess;
And the years will seem
But a brief day dream,
In the joy extreme
Of our happiness!
FULL CHORUS. Knightsbridge nursemaids, serving fairies, &c.
KINO, PRINCESSES NEKAYA and KALYBA, and LADY SOPHY
As the KINO enters the escort present arms.
KINO. Zara I my beloved daughter ! Why, how well you look
and how lovely you have grown ! (embraces her).
22
ZARA. My dear father! (embracing him). And my two beauti-
ful little sisters 1 (embracing them).
NEK. Not beautiful.
KAL. Nice looking.
ZARA. But first let me present to you the English warrior who
commands my escort, and who has taken, 0! such care of me
during the voyage Captain Fitzbattleaxe !
TROOPERS. The First Life Guards.
When the tempest rose,
And the ship went so
(CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE motions them to be silent. The
Troopers place themselves in the four corners of the
stage, standing at ease, immovably, as if on sentry.
Each is surrounded by an admiring group of young
ladies, of whom they take no notice.
KING (to CAPT. FITZ.). Sir, you come from a country where
every virtue flourishes. We trust that you will not criticise too
severely such shortcomings as you may detect in our semi-
barbarous society.
FITZ. (looking at ZARA). Sir, I have eyes for nothing but the
blameless and the beautiful.
KING. We thank you he is really very polite ! (LADY SOPHY,
who has been greatly scandalized by the attentions paid to the
Lifeguardsmen by the young ladies, marches the PRINCESSES
NEKAYA and KALYBA towards an exit.) Lady Sophy, do not leave
us.
LADY S. Sir, your children are young, and, so far, innocent.
If they are to remain so, it is necessary that they be at once
removed from the contamination of their present disgraceful
surroundings. (She marches them off.)
KING (whose attention has thus been called to the proceedings
of the young ladies aside). Dear, dear! They really shouldn't.
(Aloud.) Captain Fitzbattleaxe
FITZ. Sir.
KING. Your Troopers appear to be receiving a troublesome
amount of attention from those young ladies. I know how strict
you English soldiers are, and I should be extremely distressed if
anything occurred to shock their puritanical British sensitiveness.
FITZ. Oh, I don't think there's any chance of that.
KING. You think not? They won't be offended?
23
FITZ. Oh no! They are quite hardened to it. They get a
good deal of that sort of thing, standing sentry at the Horse
Guards.
KINO. It's English, is it?
FITZ. It's particularly English.
KINO. Then, of course, it's all right. Pray proceed, ladies,
it's particularly English. Come, my daughter, for we have much
to say to each other.
ZARA. Farewell, Captain Fitzbattleaxe ! I cannot thank you
too emphatically for the devoted care with which you have
watched over me during our long and eventful voyage.
DUET. ZARA and CAPTAIN FITZBATTLEAXE.
ZARA. Ah ! gallant soldier, brave and true
In tented field and tourney,
I grieve to have occasioned you
So very long a journey.
A British soldier gives up all
His home and island beauty
When summoned by the trumpet-call
Of Regimental Duty !
ALL. Tantantarara-rara-rara !
Trumpet-call of Princess Zara I
ENSEMBLE.
MEN. FITZBATTLEAXE and ZARA (aside)
A British warrior gives up all,
&c.
LADIES.
Knightsbridge nursemaids, &c.
Oh my joy, my pride,
My delight to hide,
Let us sing, aside,
What in truth we feel.
Let us whisper low
Of our love's glad glow,
Lest the truth we show
We would fain conceal.
FITZ. Such escort duty, as his due,
To young Lifeguardsman falling
Completely reconciles him to
His uneventful calling
When soldier seeks Utopian glades
In charge of Youth and Beauty,
Then pleasure merely masquerades
As Regimental Duty !
ALL. Tantantarara-rara-rara !
Trumpet-call of Princess Zara!
24
ENSEMBLE.
CHORUS.
MEN.
A British warrior, &c.
WOMEN.
Knightsbridge nursemaids, &c.
FITZBATTLEAXE and ZARA (aside).
Oh the hours are gold
And the joys untold
When my eyes behold
My beloved Princess,
And the year will seem
But a brief day-dream
In the joy extreme
Of our happiness 1
[Exeunt KING and PRINCESS in one direction, Lifeguards-
men and crowd in opposite direction. Enter, at
back, SCAPHIO and PHANTIS, who watch the PRINCESS
as she goes off. SCAPHIO is seated, shaking violently,
and obviously under the influence of some strong
emotion .
PHAN. There tell me, Scaphio, is she not beautiful? Can
you wonder that I love her so passionately?
SCA. No. She is extraordinarily miraculously lovely ! Good
heavens, what a singularly beautiful girl!
PHAN. I knew you would say so !
SCA. What exquisite charm of manner! What surprising
delicacy of gesture! Why she's a goddess! a very goddess!
PHAN. (rather taken aback). Yes she's she's an attractive
girl.
SCA. Attractive? Why you must be blind! She's entrancing
enthralling ! intoxicating I (aside). God bless my heart, what's
the matter with me?
PHAN. (alarmed). Yes. You you promised to help me to
get her father's consent, you know.
SCA. Promised ! Yes, but the convulsion has come, my good
boy! It is she my ideal! Why, what's this? (staggering).
Phantis! Stop me I'm going mad mad with the love of her!
PHAN. Scaphio, compose yourself, I beg. The girl is perfectly
opaque ! Besides, remember each of us is helpless without the
other. You can't succeed without my consent, you know.
SCA. And you dare to threaten? Oh ungrateful! When you
came to me. palsied with love for this girl, and implored my
assistance, did I not unhesitatingly promise it? And this is the
return you make? Out of my sight, ingrate! (Aside.) Dear!
dear! what is the matter with me?
25
Enter CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXB and ZARA.
ZARA. Dear me. I'm afraid we are interrupting a tete-a-tete.
SCA. (breathlessly). No, no. You come very appropriately.
To be brief, we we love you this man and I madly
passionately !
ZARA. Sir !
SCA. And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is
to marry you.
FITZ. Zara, this is very awkward.
SCA. (very much overcome). I I am paralyzed by th; singular
radiance of your extraordinary loveliness. I know I am incoherent.
I never was like this before it shall not occur again. I shall
be fluent, presently.
ZARA. (aside). Oh, dear, Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what f to be
done?
FITZ. (aside). Leave it to me I'll manage it. (aloud) It's a
common situation. Why not settle it in the English fashion?
BOTH. The English fashion? What is that?
FITZ. It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen are
in love with the same lady, and until it is settled which gentleman
is to blow out the brains of the other, it is provided, by the Rival
Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act, that the lady shall be
entrusted to an officer of Household Cavalry as stakeholder, who
is bound to hand her over to the survivor (on the Tontine prin-
ciple) in a good condition of substantial and decorative repair.
SCA. Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted?
FITZ. Exactly.
PHAN. Well, that seems very reasonable. (To SCAPHIO.)
What do you say Shall we entrust her to this officer of House-
hold Cavalry? It will give us time.
SCA. (trembling violently). I I am not at present in a
condition to think it out coolly but if he fa an officer of House-
hold Cavalry, and if the Princess consents
ZARA. Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative under the Rival
Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act!
FITZ. Good then that's settled.
QUARTETTE.
FITZBATTLEAXE, ZARA, SCAPHIO, and PHANTIS.
FITZ. It's understood, I think, all round
That, by the English custom bound,
I hold the lady safe and sound
In trust for either rival,
26
Until you clearly testify
By sword or pistol, by and bye,
Which gentleman prefers to die,
And which prefers survival.
ENSEMBLE.
SCA. and PHAN.
It's clearly understood, all round,
That, by your English custom bound,
He holds the lady safe and sound
In trust for either rival,
Until we clearly testify
By sword and pistol, by and bye,
Which gentleman prefers to die,
And which prefers survival.
ZARA and FITZ. (aside).
We stand, I think, on safish ground,
Our senses weak it will astound
If either gentleman is lound
Prepared to meet his rival.
Their machinations we defy ;
We won't be parted, you and I
Of bloodshed each is rather shy
They both prefer survival !
PHAN. If I should die and he should live,
(aside to FITZ.). To you, without reserve, I give
Her heart so young and sensitive,
And all her predilections.
SCA. If he should live and I should die,
(aside to FITZ.). I see no kind of reason why
You should not, if you wish it, try
To gain her young affections.
ENSEMBLE.
SCA. and PHAN (angrily to each other).
If I should die and you should, live,
To this young officer I give
Her heart so soft and sensitive,
And all her predilections.
If you should live and I should die,
I see no kind reason why
He should not, if he chooses, try
To win her young affections.
FITZ. and ZARA. (aside),
As both of us are positive
That both of them intend to live,
There's nothing in the case to give
Us cause for grave reflections.
As both will live and neither die
I see no kind of reason why
I should not, if I wish it, try
To gain your young aftections !
[Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS together.
DUET. ZARA and FITZBATTLEAXE.
ENSEMBLE.
Oh admirable art !
Oh neatly-planned intention !
Oh happy intervention
Oh well-constructed plot!
When sages try to part
Two loving hearts in fusion,
Their wisdom's a delusion,
And learning serves them not !
Until quite plain
Is their intent,
These sages twain
I represent.
Now please infer
That, nothing loth,
You're henceforth, as it were,
Engaged to marry both
27
Then take it that I represent the two
On that hypothesis, what would you do?
ZARA (aside). What would I do? what would I do?
ZARA. In such a case,
Upon your breast,
My blushing face
I think I'd rest (doing so.)
Then perhaps I might
Demurely say
" I find this breastplate bright
Is sorely in the way! "
That is, supposing it were true
That I'm engaged to both and both were you!
ENSEMBLE.
Our mortal race
Is never blest
There's no such case
As perfect rest ;
Some petty blight
Asserts its sway
Some crumpled roseleaf light
Is always in the way !
(Exit FITZBATTLEAXE. Manet ZARA.)
Enter KING.
KINO. My daughter ! At last we are alone together.
ZARA. Yes, and I'm glad we are, for I want to speak to you
very seriously. Do you know this paper?
KING (aside). Da ! (Aloud.) Oh, yes I've I've seen
it. Where in the world did you get this from?
ZARA. It was given to me by Lady Sophy my sister's
governess.
KING (aside). Lady Sophy's an angel, but I do sometimes
wish she'd mind her own business! (Aloud.) It's ha! ha!
it's rather humorous.
ZARA. I see nothing humorous in it. I only see that you, the
despotic King of this country, are made the subject of the most
scandalous insinuations. Why do you permit these things?
KING. Well, they appeal to my sense of humour. It's the
only really comic paper in Utopia, and I wouldn't be without it
for the world.
ZARA. If it had any literary merit I could understand it.
KING. Oh, it has literary merit. Oh, distinctly, it has literary
merit.
28
ZARA. My dear father, it's mere ungrammatical twaddle.
KINO. Oh, it's not ungrammatical. I can't allow that. Un-
pleasantly personal, perhaps, but written with an epigrammatical
point that is very rare now-a-days very rare indeed.
ZARA. (looking at cartoon). Why do they represent you with
uch a big nose ?
KING (looking at cartoon). Eh? Yes, it is a big one! Why,
the fact is that, in the cartoons of a comic paper, the size of your
nose always varies inversely as the square of your popularity.
It's the rule.
ZARA. Then you must be at a tremendous discount, just now!
I see a notice of a new piece called " King Tuppence," in which
an English tenor has the audacity to personate you on a public
stage. I can only say that I am surprised that any English tenor
should lend himself to such degrading personalities.
KING. Oh, he's not really English. As it happens he's a
Utopian, but he calls himself English.
ZARA. Calls himself English?
KING. Yes. Bless you, they wouldn't listen to any tenor who
didn't call himself English.
ZARA. And you permit this insolent buffoon to caricature you
in a pointless burlesque ! My dear father if you were a free
agent, you would never permit these outrages.
KING (almost in tears). Zara I I admit I am not altogether
a free agent. I I am controlled. I try to make the best of it,
but sometimes I find it very difficult very difficult indeed.
Nominally a Despot, I am, between ourselves, the helpless tool
of two unscrupulous Wise Men, who insist on my falling in with
all their wishes and threaten to denounce me for immediate
explosion if I remonstrate ! (Breaks down completely.)
ZARA. My poor father! Now listen to me. With a view to
remodelling the political and social institutions of Utopia, I have
brought with me six Representatives of the principal causes that
have tended to make England the powerful, happy and blameless
country which the consensus of European civilization has declared
it to be. Place yourself unreservedly in the hands of these
gentlemen, and they will reorganize your country on a footing
that will enable you to defy your persecutors. They are all now
washing their hands after their journey. Shall I introduce them?
KING. My dear Zara, how can I thank you? I will consent to
anything that will release me from the abominable tyranny of
these two men. (Calling.) What ho! Without there! (Enter
CALYNX.) Summon my court without an instant's delay ! (Exit
CALYNX.)
29
FINALE.
Enter Everyone, except the Flowers of Progress.
CHORUS.
Although your Koyal summons to appear
From courtesy was singularly free,
Obedient to that summons we are here
What would your Majesty ?
BECIT. KINO.
My worthy people, my beloved daughter
Most thoughtfully has brought with her from England
The types of all the causes that have made
That great and glorious country what it is.
CHORUS. Oh joy unbounded I
SCA., TAR., and PHAN. (aside). Why, what does this mean?
BECIT. ZARA.
Attend to me, Utopian populace,
Ye South Pacific Island viviparians;
All, in the abstract, types of courtly grace,
Yet, when compared with Britain's glorious race,
But little better than half -clothed barbarians 1
CHORUS.
That's true we South Pacific viviparians,
Contrasted when
With Englishmen,
Are little better than half -clothed barbarians!
Enter all the Flowers of Progress, led by FITZBATTLEAXE.
SOLO ZARA. (Presenting CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXB.)
When Britain sounds the trump of war
(And Europe trembles),
The army of that conqueror
In serried ranks assembles;
'Tis then this warrior's eyes and sabre gleam
For our protection
He represents a military scheme
In all its proud perfection I
FITZ. Yes yes
I represent a military scheme
In all its proud perfection !
CHORUS. Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
SOLO ZARA. (Presenting SIR BAILEY BARRE, Q.C., M.P.)
A complicated gentleman allow me to present,
Of all the arts and faculties the terse embodiment,
30
He's a great Arithmetician who can demonstrate with ease
That two and two are three, or five, or anything you please;
An eminent Logician who can make it clear to you
That black is white when looked at from the proper point of view ;
A marvellous Philologist who'll undertake to show
That " yes " is but another and a neater form of " no."
SIR BAILEY. Yes yes yes
Oh " yes " is but another and a neater form of " no."
All preconceived ideas on any subject I can scout.
And demonstrate beyond all possibility of doubt,
That whether you're an honest man or whether you're a thief
Depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.
CHORUS. Yes yes yes
That whether you're an honest man, &c.
Ulahlica ! Ulahlica ! Ulahlica !
SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting LORD DRAMALEIGH and County
Councillor.)
What these may be, Utopians all
Perhaps you'll hardly guess
They're types of England's physical
And moral cleanliness.
This is a Lord High Chamberlain
Of purity the gauge
He'll cleanse our Court from moral stain
And purify our Stage.
LORD DRAM. Yes yes yes
Court reputations I revise,
And presentations scrutinize,
New plays 1 read with jealous eyes,
And purify the Stage.
CHORUS. Yes yes yes
New plays, &c.
ZARA. This County Councillor acclaim,
Great Britain's latest toy
On anything you like to name
His talents he'll employ
All streets and squares he'll purify
Within your city walls,
And keep meanwhile a modest eye
On wicked music halls.
C.C
Yes yes yes
In towns I make improvements great,
81
Which go to swell the County Rate
I dwelling-houses sanitate,
And purify the Halls !
CHORUS. Yes yes yes
He'll dwelling-houses, &c.
Ulahlica 1 Ulahlica ! Ulahlica !
SOLO. ZARA. (Presenting MR. GOLDBURY.)
A Company Promoter this, with special education,
Which teaches what Contango means and also
Backwardation
To speculators he supplies a grand financial leaven,
Time was when two were company but now it
must be seven.
MB. GOLD. Yes yes yes r
Stupendous loans to foreign thrones
I've largely advocated;
In ginger-pops and peppermint-drops
I've freely speculated;
Then mines of gold, of wealth untold,
Successfully I've floated,
And sudden falls in apple-stalls
Occasionally quoted :
And soon or late I always call
For Stock Exchange quotation
No schemes too great and none too small
For Companification !
CHORUS. Then soon or late, &c.
Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
ZARA. (Presenting CAPT. SIR EDWARD CORCORAN, B.N.)
And lastly I present
Great Britain's proudest boast,
Who from the blows
Of foreign foes
Protects her sea-girt coast
And if you ask him in respectful tone,
He'll show you how you may protect your own I
SOLO. CAPTAIN CORCORAN.
I'm Captain Corcoran, K.C.B.,
I'll teach you how we rule the sea,
And terrify the simple Gaul.
And how the Saxon and the Celt
32
Their Europe-shaking blows have dealt
With Maxim gun and Nordenfelt
(Or will, when the occasion calls)
If sailor-like you'd play your cards
Unbend your Rails, and lower your yards,
Unstep your masts you'll never want 'em more.
Though we're no longer hearts of oak
Yet we can steer and we can stoke,
And, thanks to coal, and thanks to coke,
We never run a ship ashore !
ALL. What, never?
CAPT. No, never!
ALL. What, never?
CAPT. Hardly ever 1
ALL. Hardly ever run a ship ashore!
Then give three cheers, and three cheers more,
For the tar who never runs his ship ashore;
Then give three cheers, and three cheers more,
For he never runs his ship ashore 1
CHORUS.
All hail, ye types of England's power
Ye heaven-enlightened band I
We bless the day, and bless the hour,
That brought you to our land.
QUARTETTE.
Ye wanderers from a mighty State
Oh teach us how to legislate
Your lightest word will carry weight
In our attentive ears.
Oh teach the natives of this land
(Who are not quick to understand)
How to work off their social and
Political arrears I
CAPT. FITZ. Increase your army !
LD. DRAMALEIGH. Purify your Court I
CAPT. COR. Get up your steam and cut your canvas short !
SIR B. BAR. To speak on both sides teach your sluggish brains I
MK. B., C.C. Widen your thoroughfares, and flush your drains I
MR. GOLD. Utopia's much too big for one small head
I'll float it as a Company Limited !
KING. A Company Limited ? What may that be?
The term, I rather think, is new to me.
CHORUS. A Company Limited? &c.
33
SCA., PHAN., and TARARA (aside).
What does he mean? What does he mean?
Give us a kind of clue !
What does he mean? What does he mean?
What is he going to do?
SONG. MR. GOLDBURY.
Some seven men form an Association,
(If possible, all Peers and Baronets)
They start off with a public declaration
To what extent they mean to pay their debts.
That's called their Capital : if they are wary
They will not quote it at a sum immense.
The figure's immaterial it may vary
From eighteen million down to eighteenpence.
/ should put it rather low;
The good sense of doing so
Will be evident at once to any debtor.
When it's left to you to say
What amount you mean to pay,
Why, the lower you can put it at, the better.
CHORUS. When it's left to you to say, &e.
They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'em,
Quite irrespective of their capital
(It's shady, but it's sanctified by custom);
Bank, Eailway, Loan, or Panama Canal.
You can't embark on trading too tremendous
It's strictly fair, and based on common sense
If you succeed, your profits are stupendous
And if you fail, pop goes your eighteenpence.
Make the money-spinner spin !
For you only stand to win,
And you'll never with dishonesty be twitted.
For nobody can know,
To a million or so,
To what extent your capital's committed.
CHORUS. No, nobody can know, Ac.
If you come to grief, and creditors are craving,
(For nothing that is planned by mortal head
Is certain in this Vale of Sorrow saving
That one's Liability is Limited),
Do you suppose that signifies perdition?
If so you're but a monetary dunce
34
You merely file a Winding-Up Petition,
And start another Company at once !
Though a Eothschild you may be
In your own capacity,
As a Company you've come to utter sorrow
But the Liquidators say,
Never mind you needn't pay,"
So you start another company to-morrow !
CHORUS. But the Liquidators say, Ac.
EECIT.
KING Well, at first sight it strikes us as dishonest,
But if it's good enough for virtuous England
The first commercial country in the world
It's good enough for us.
SCA., PHAN., and TARARA. You'd best take care
(aside to KING.) Please recollect we have not been consulted.
KlNO And do I understand you that Great Britain
(not heeding them) Upon this Joint Stock principle is governed?
MR. GOLD. We haven't come to that, exactly but
We're tending rapidly in that direction.
The date's not distant.
KING (enthusiastically). We will be before you !
We'll go down to Posterity renowned
As the First Sovereign in Christendom
Who registered his Crown and Country under
The Joint Stock Company's Act of Sixty-Two:
ALL. Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
SOLO. KING.
Henceforward, of a verity,
With Fame ourselves we link
We'll go down to Posterity
Of sovereigns all the pink !
SCA., PHAN., and TAR. (aside to KING). If you've the
mad temerity
Our wishes thus to blink,
You'll go down to Posterity
Much earlier than you think !
TARARA (correcting them). He'll go up to Posterity
If / inflict the blow I
35
SCA. and PHAN. (angrily). He'll go down to Posterity,
We think we ought to know !
TARARA (explaining). He'll go up to Posterity,
Blown up with dynamite!
SCA. and PHAN. (apologetically). He'll go up to Posterity,
Of course he will, you're right!
KING, LADY SOPHY. NEK., KAL,
CALYNX, and CHORUS.
Henceforward of a verity
With fame ourselves we link,
And go down t o Posterity
Of sovereigns all the pink !
ENSEMBLE.
SCA., PHAN., and TARARA
{**).
If he has the temerity
Our wishes thus to blink,
He'll go up to Posterity
Much earlier than they think'
FlTRBATTLKAXK and ZAP A
(tuidt).
Who love with all sincerity,
Their lives may sately link;
And as for our Posterity
We don't care what they think
CHORUS.
Let's seal this mercantile pact
The step we ne'er shall rue
It gives whatever we lacked
The statement's strictly true
All hail, astonishing Fact !
All hail, Invention new
The Joint Stock Company's Act
The Act of Sixty Two !
CURTAIN.
END OF ACT I.
36
ACT II.
SCENE. Throne Room in the Palace. Night. FITZBATTLEAXB
discovered, singing to ZARA.
KECIT. FITZ.
Oh Zara, my beloved one, bear with me 1
Ah do not laugh at my attempted C !
Repent not, mocking maid, thy girlhood's choice
The fervour of my love affects my voice !
SONG. FITZ.
A tenor, all singers above,
(This doesn't admit of a question),
Should keep himself quiet,
Attend to his diet,
And carefully nurse his digestion :
But when he is madly in love
It's certain to tell on his singing
You can't do chromatics
With proper emphatics
When anguish your bosom is wringing 1
When distracted with worries in plenty,
And his pulse is a hundred and twenty,
And his fluttering bosom the slave of mistrust is,
A tenor can't do himself justice 1
Now observe (singing a high note),
You see, I can't do myself justice!
I could sing, if my fervour were mock,
It's easy enough if you're acting
But when one's emotion
Is born of devotion
You mustn't be over-exacting.
One ought to be firm as a rock
To venture a shake in vibrato,
When fervour's expected
Keep cool and collected
Or never attempt agitato.
But, of course, when his tongue is of leather,
And his lips appear pasted together,
And his sensitive palate as dry as a crust is,
A tenor can't do himself justice.
Now observe (sings a cadence),
.It's no use I can't do myself justice!
37
ZARA. Why, Arthur, what docs it matter? When the higher
qualities of the heart are all that can be desired, the higher notes
of the voice are matters of comparative insignificance. Who
thinks slightingly of the cocoanut because it is husky? Besides
(demurely) you are not singing for an engagement, (putting her
hand in his) you have that already !
FITZ. How good and wise you are! How unerringly your
practised brain winnows the wheat from the chaff the material
from the merely incidental 1
ZABA. My Girton training, Arthur. At Girton all is wheat,
and idle chaff is never heard within its walls I But tell me, is not
all working marvellously well ? Have not our Flowers of Progress
more than justified their name?
FITZ. We have indeed done our best. Captain Corcoran and
I have, in concert, thoroughly remodelled the sister-servicefr
and upon so sound a basis that the South Pacific trembles at the
name of Utopia!
ZARA. How clever of you I
FITZ. Clever? not a bit. It's as easy as possible when the
Admiralty and Horse Guards are not there to interfere. And so
with the others. Freed from the trammels imposed upon them
by idle Acts of Parliament, all have given their natural talents
full play and introduced reforms which, even in England, were
never dreamt of!
ZARA. But perhaps the most 'beneficent change of all has been
effected by Mr. Goldbury, who, discarding the exploded theory
that some strange magic lies hidden in the number Seven, has
applied the Limited Liability principle to individuals, and every
man, woman, and child is now a Company Limited with liability
restricted to the amount of his declared Capital ! There is not a
christened baby in Utopia who has not already issued his little
Prospectus I
FITZ. Marvellous is the power of a Civilization which can
transmute, by a word, a Limited Income into an Income
(Limited).
ZARA. Keform has not stopped here it has been applied even
to the costume of our people. Discarding their own barbaric
dress, the natives of our land have unanimously adopted the
tasteful fashions of England in all their rich entirety. Scaphio
and Phantis have undertaken a contract to supply the whole of
Utopia with clothing designed upon the most approved English
models and the first Drawing Room under the new state of
things is to be held here this evening.
FITZ. But Drawing Rooms are always held in the afternoon.
38
ZARA. Ah, we've improved upon that. We all look so much
better by candle-light! And when I tell you, dearest, that my
court train has just arrived, you will understand that I am longing
to go and try it on.
FITZ. Then we must part?
ZARA. Necessarily, for a time.
FITZ. Just as I wanted to tell you, with all the passionate
enthusiasm of my nature, how deeply, how devotedly I love you !
ZARA. Hush! Are these the accents of a heart that really
feels? True love does not indulge in declamation its voice is
sweet, and soft, and low. The west wind whispers when he
woos the poplars !
ZARA.
BOTH.
FITZ.
BOTH.
DUET. ZARA and FITZBATTLEAXE.
Words of love too loudly spoken
King their own untimely knell;
Noisy vows are rudely broken,
Soft the song of Philomel.
Whisper sweetly, whisper slowly,
Hour by hour and day by day;
Sweet and low as accents holy
Are the notes of lover's lay !
Sweet and low, &c.
Let the conqueror, flushed with glory,
Bid his noisy clarions bray;
Lovers tell their artless story
In a whispered yirelay.
False is he whose vows alluring
Make the listening echoes ring;
Sweet and low when all-enduring,
Are the songs that lovers sing !
Sweet and low, &c.
[Exit ZARA.
Enter KING, dressed as Field Marshal.
KINO. To a Monarch who has been accustomed to the uncon-
trolled use of his limbs, the costume of a British Field Marshal
is, perhaps, at first, a little cramping. Are you sure this is all
right? It's not a practical joke, is it? No one has a keener
sense of humour than I have, but the First Statutory Cabinet
Council of Utopia (Limited) must be conducted with dignity and
impressiveness. Now, where are the other five who signed the
Articles of Association?
FITZ. Sir, they are here.
39
Enter LD. DRAMALEIGH, CAPTAIN CORCORAN, SIR BAILEY BARRB,
MR. BLUSHINOTON and MR. GOLDBURY from different entrances.
KINO. Ohl (addressing them.) Gentlemen, our daughter
holds her first Drawing Koom in half an hour, and we shall have
time to make our half-yearly report in the interval. I am neces-
sarily unfamiliar with the forms of an English Cabinet Council
perhaps the Lord Chamberlain will kindly put us in the way of
doing the thing properly, and with due regard to the solemnity of
the occasion.
LD. DRAM. Certainly nothing simpler. Kindly bring your
chairs forward his Majesty will, of course, preside.
They range their chairs across stage like Christy
Minstrels. KING sits c., LORD DRAMALEIGH on his
L., MR. GOLDBURY on his R., CAPT. CORCORAN L. of
LORD DRAMALEIGH, CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE R. of MR.
GOLDBURY, MR. BLUSHINGTON extreme R., SIR
BAILEY BARRE extreme L.
KINO. Like this?
LD. DRAM. Like this.
KING. We take your word for it that this is all right. You are
not making fun of us? This is in accordance with the practice
at the Court of St. James's?
LD. DRAM. Well, it is in accordance with the practice at the
Court of St. James's Hall.
KING. Oh ! it seems odd, but never mind.
SONG. KING.
Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses,
Which empties our police courts, and abolishes
divorces.
CHORUS. Divorce is nearly obsolete in England.
KING. No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and
splendour ;
For the higher his position is, the greater the offender.
CHORUS. That's a maxim that is prevalent in
England.
KING. No peeress at our Drawing Room before the Presence
passes
Who wouldn't be accepted by the lower-middle classes.
Each shady dame, whatever be her rank, is bowed
out neatly.
40
CHORUS In short, this happy country has been Anglicized com-
pletely !
It really is surprising
What a thorough Anglicizing
We have brought about Utopia's quite another
land;
In her enterprising movements,
She is England with improvements,
Which we dutifully offer to our mother-land !
KING. Our city we have beautified we've done it willy-nilly
And all that isn't Belgrave Square is Strand and
Piccadilly.
CHORUS. We haven't any slummeries in England !
KING. We have solved the labour question with discrimination
polished,
So poverty is obsolete and hunger is abolished
CHORUS. We are going to abolish it in England.
KING. The Chamberlain our native stage has purged, beyond
a question,
Of " risky " situation and indelicate suggestion;
No piece is tolerated if it's costumed indiscreetly
CHORUS. In short, this happy country has been Anglicized com-
pletely !
It really is surprising, &c.
KING. Our Peerage we've remodelled on an intellectual basis,
Which certainly is rough on our hereditary races
CHORUS. We are going to remodel it in England.
KING. The Brewers and the Cotton Lords no longer seek
admission,
And Literary Merit meets with proper recognition
CHORUS. " As Literary Merit does in England !
KING. Who knows but we may count among our intellectual
chickens
Like you, an Earl of Thackeray and p'r'aps a
Duke of Dickens
Lord Fildes and Viscount Millais (when they come)
we'll welcome sweetly
CHORUS. In short, this happy country has been Anglicized com-
pletely !
It really is surprising, &c.
(At the end all rise and replace their chairs.)
KING. Now then, for our First Drawing Room. Where are
the Princesses? What an extraordinary thing it is that since
European looking-glasses have been supplied to the Eoyal bed-
rooms my daughters are invariably late !
41
LD. DRAM. Sir, their Royal Highnesses await your pleasure in
the Ante-Room.
KINO. Oh. Then request them to do us the favour to enter at
once.
MARCH. Enter all the Royal Household, including
(besides the Lord Chamberlain) the Vice-Chamber-
lain, the Master of the Horse, the Master of the
Buckhounds, the Lord High Treasurer, the Lord
Steward, the Comptroller of the Household, the
Lord-in-Waiting, the Groom-in-Waiting, the Field
Officer in Brigade Waiting, the Gold and Silver
Stick, and the Gentlemen Ushers. Then enter the
three Princesses (their trains carried by Pages of
Honour), LADY SOPHY, and the Ladies-in-Waiting.
KINO. My daughters, we are about to attempt a very solemn
ceremonial, so no giggling, if you please. Now, my Lord
Chamberlain, we are ready.
LD. DRAM. Then, ladies and gentlemen, places if you please.
His Majesty will take his place in front of the throne, and will be
so obliging as to embrace all the debutantes. (LADY SOPHY, much
shocked.)
KING. What must I really?
LD. DRAM. Absolutely indispensable.
KINO. More jam for the Palace Peeper !
The KINO takes his place in front of the throne, the
PRINCESS ZARA on his left. The two younger
Princesses on the left of ZARA.
KINO. Now, is every one in his place?
LD. DRAM. Every one is in his place.
KINO. Then let the revels commence.
Enter the ladies attending the Drawing Room. They
give their cards to the Groom-in-Waiting, who passes
them to the Lord-in-Waiting, who passes them to
the Vice -Chamberlain, who passes them to the Lord
Chamberlain, who reads the names to the KING as
each lady approaches. The ladies curtsey in succes-
sion to the KING and the three Princesses, and pass
out. When all the presentations have been accom-
plished, the KING, Princesses, and LADY SOPHY come
forward, and all the ladies re-enter.
42
BECIT. KING.
This ceremonial our wish displays
To copy all Great Britain's courtly ways.
Though lofty aims catastrophe entail,
We'll gloriously succeed or nobly fail!
UNACCOMPANIED CHOKUS. -
Eagle high in cloudland soaring
Sparrow twittering on a reed
Tiger in the jungle roaring
Frightened fawn in grassy mead
Let the eagle, not the sparrow,
Be the object of your arrow
Fix the tiger with your eye
Pass the fawn in pity by.
Glory then will crown the day
Glory, glory, anyway!
[Then Exeunt all.
Enter SCAPHIO and PHANTIS, now dressed as judges in red and
ermine robes and undress wigs. They come down stage melo-
dramatically working together.
DUET SCAPHIO and PHANTIS.
SCA. With fury deep we burn
PHAK. We do
We fume with smothered rage.
These Englishmen who rule supreme,
Their undertaking they redeem,
By stifling every harmless scheme
In which we both engage
They do
In which we both engage.
BOTH (with great energy). For this mustn't be, and this won't
do,
If you'll back me, then I'll back you,
Let's both agree, and we'll pull things through,
For this mustn't be, and this won't do.
No, this won't do,
No, this won't do,
No, this mustn't be,
And this won't do.
Enter the KING.
KING. Gentlemen, gentlemen really! This unseemly display
of energy within the Eoyal Precincts is altogether unpardonable.
Pray what do you complain of?
43
SCA. (furiously). What do we complain of? Why, through
the innovations introduced by the Flowers of Progress all our
harmless schemes for making a provision for our old age are
ruined. Our Matrimonial Agency is at a standstill, our Cheap
Sherry business is in bankruptcy, our Army Clothing contracts
are paralyzed, and even our Society paper, the Palace Peeper, is
practically defunct!
KINO Defunct? Is that so? Dear, dear, I am truly sorry.
SCA. Are you aware that Sir Bailey Barre has introduced a
law of libel by which all editors of scurrilous newspapers are
publicly flogged as in England? And six of our editors have
resigned in succession ! Now, the editor of a scurrilous paper can
stand a good deal he takes a private thrashing as a matter of
course it's considered in his salary but no gentleman likes to
be publicly flogged.
KINO. Naturally. I shouldn't like it myself.
PHAN. Then our Burlesque Theatre is absolutely ruined!
KINO. Dear me. Well, theatrical property is not what it was.
PHAN. Are you aware that the Lord Chamberlain, who has
his own views as to the best means of elevating the national
drama, has declined to license any play that is not in blank verse
and three hundred years old as in England?
SCA. And as if that wasn't enough, the County Councillor has
ordered a four-foot wall to be built up right across the proscenium,
in case of fire as in England.
PHAN. It's so hard on the company who are liable to be
roasted alive and this has to be met by enormously increased
salaries as in England.
SCA. You probably know that we've contracted to supply the
entire nation with a complete English outfit. But perhaps you
do not know that, when we send in our bills, our customers plead
liability limited to a declared capital of eighteenpence, and apply
to be dealt with under the Winding-up Act as in England ?
KINO. Really, gentlemen, this is very irregular. If you will
be so good as to formulate a detailed list of your grievances in
writing, addressed to the Secretary of Utopia (Limited), they will
be laid before the Board, in due course, at their next monthly
meeting.
SCA. Are we to understand that we are defied?
KINO. That is the idea I intended to convey.
PHAN. Defied! We are defied!
SCA. (furiously). Take care you know our powers. Trifle
with us, and you die !
44
TEIO. SCA., PHAN., and KINO.
SCA. If you think that when banded in unity,
We may both be defied with impunity,
You are sadly misled of a verity !
PHAN. If you value repose and tranquility,
You'll revert to a state of docility,
Or prepare to regret your temerity !
KING. If my speech is unduly refractory
You will find it a course satisfactory
At an early Board meeting to show it up.
Though if proper excuse you can trump any,
You may wind up a Limited Company,
You cannot conveniently blow it up !
(ScApmo and PHANTIS thoroughly baffled.)
KING (dancing quietly). Whene'er I chance to baffle you
I, also, dance a step or two
Of this now guess the hidden sense :
(ScAPHio and PHANTIS consider the question as KING continues
dancing quietly then give it up.)
It means complete indifference.
ALL THREE (dancing quietly). Indifference indifference
Of course it does indifference!
Wei
Y V. might have guessed its hidden sense.
It means complete indifference !
KING (dancing quietly). SCA. and PHAN. (dancing furiously).
As we've a dance for every mood
With pas de trois we will conclude.
What this may mean you all may guess
SCA. and PHAN. \It typifies remorselessness !
KING. f It means unruffled cheerfulness !
KING dances off placidly as SCAPHIO and PHANTIS dance
furiously.
PHAN. (breathless). He's right we are helpless! He's no
longer a human being he's a Corporation, and so long as he
confines himself to his Articles of Association we cant touch
him ! What are we to do ?
SCA. Do? Kaise a Kevolution, repeal the Act of Sixty-Two,
re-convert him into an individual, and insist on his immediate
explosion! (TARARA enters.) Tarara, come here; you're the very
man we want.
TAR. Certainly, allow me. (Offers a cracker to each, they
snatch them away impatiently.) That's rude.
45
SCA. We have no time for idle forms. You wish to succeed
to the throne?
TAR. Naturally.
SCA. Then you won't unless you join us. The King has defied
us, and, as matters stand, we are helpless. So are you. We
must devise some plot at once to bring the people about his ears.
TAR. A plot?
PHAN. Yes, a plot of superhuman subtlety Have you such
a thing about you?
TAR. (feeling). No, I think not. No. There's one on my
dressing-table.
SCA. We can't wait we must concoct one at once, and put it
into execution without delay. There is not a moment to spare 1
TEIO. SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, and TARARA.
ENSEMBLE.
With wily brain upon the spot
A private plot we'll plan,
The most ingenious private plot
Since private plots began.
That's understood. So far we've got
And, striking while the iron's hot,
We'll now determine like a shot
The details of this private plot.
SCA. I think we ought (whispers).
PHAN. and TAR. Such bosh I never heard!
PHAN. Ah! happy thought I (whispers).
SCA. and TAR. How utterly dashed absurd I
TAR. I'll tell you how (whispers).
SCA. and PHAN. Why, what put that in your head?
SCA. I've got it now (whispers).
Oh, take him away to bed 1
PHAN. Oh, put him to bed !
TAR. Oh, put him to bed!
SCA. What! put me to bed?
PHAN. and TAR. Yes, put him to bed !
SCA. But, bless me, don't you see
PHAN. Do listen to me, I pray
TAR. It certainly seems to me
SCA. Bah this is the only wayl
PHAN. It's rubbish absurd you growl!
TAR. You talk ridiculous stuff!
SCA. You're a drivelling barndoor owl!
PHAN. You're a vapid and vain old muff I
46
(All coming down to audience.)
So far we haven't quite solved the plot
They're not a very ingenious lot
But don't be unhappy
It's still on the tapis
We'll presently hit on a capital plot I
SCA. Suppose we all (whispers).
PHAN. Now there I think you're right.
SCA. Supposing we all (whispers).
TAB. That's true we certainly might.
I'll tell you what (whispers).
SCA. We will if we possibly can.
Then on the spot (whispers).
PHAN. and TAR. Bravo! a capital plan!
SCA. That's exceedingly neat and new 1
PHAN. Exceedingly new and neat.
TAR. I fancy that that will do.
SCA. It's certainly very complete.
PHAN. Well done, you sly old sap !
TAR. Bravo, you cunning old mole.
SCA. You very ingenious chap 1
PHAN. You intellectual soul!
(All, coming down, and addressing audience.)
At last a capital plan we've got;
Never mind why and never mind what :
It's safe in my noddle
Now off we will toddle,
And slyly develop this capital plot !
[Business. Exeunt SCAPHIO and PHANTIS in one direction, and
TARARA in the other.
Enter LORD DRAMALEIOH and MR. GOLDBURY.
LORD D. Well, what do you think of our first South Pacific
Drawing Koom? Allowing for a slight difficulty with the trains,
and a little want of familiarity with the use of the rouge-pot, it
was, on the whole, a meritorious affair?
GOLD. My dear Dramaleigh, it redounds infinitely to your
credit.
LORD D. One or two judicious innovations, I think?
GOLD. Admirable. The cup of tea and the plate of mixed
biscuits were a cheap and effective inspiration.
LoRoT). Yes -my idea, entirely. Never been done before.
GOLD. Pretty little maids, the King's youngest daughters, but
timid.
47
LORD D. That'll wear off. Young.
GOLD. That'll wear off. Hal here they come, by George 1
And without the Dragon 1 What can they have done with her?
Enter NEK AY A and KALYBA, timidly.
NEK. Oh, if you please, Lady Sophy has sent us in here,
because Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe are going on, in the
garden, in a manner which no well-conducted young ladies ought
to witness.
LORD D. Indeed, we are very much obliged to her Ladyship.
KAL. Are you? I wonder why.
NEK. Don't tell us if it's rude.
LORD D. Rude? Not at all. We are obliged to Lady Sophy
because she has afforded us the pleasure of seeing you.
NEK. I don't think you ought to talk to us like that.
KAL. It's calculated to turn our heads.
NEK. Attractive girls cannot be too particular.
KAL. Oh, pray, pray do not take advantage of our unprotected
innocence.
GOLD. Pray be reassured you are in no danger whatever.
LORD D. But may I ask is this extreme delicacy this shrink-
ing sensitiveness a general characteristic of Utopian young
ladies ?
NEK. Oh no; we are crack specimens.
KAL. We are the pick of the basket. Would you mind not
coming quite so near? Thank you.
NEK. And please don't look at us like that; it unsettles us.
KAL. And we don't like it. At least, we do like it; but it's
wrong.
NEK. We have enjoyed the inestimable privilege of being
educated by a most refined and easily-shocked English lady, on
the very strictest English principles.
GOLD. But my dear young ladies
KAL. Oh don't! You mustn't. It's too affectionate,
NEK. It really does unsettle us.
GOLD. Are you really under the impression that English girls
are so ridiculously demure ? Why, an English girl of the highest
type is the best, the most beautiful, the bravest, and the brightest
creature that Heaven has conferred upon this world of ours. She
is frank, open-hearted and fearless, and never shows in so favour-
able a light as when she gives her own blameless impulses full
play.
NEK and KAL. Oh, you shocking story !
GOLD. Not at all. I'm speaking the strict truth. I'll tell you
all about her.
48
SONG. MB. GOLDBUBY.
A wonderful joy our eyes to bless,
In her magnificent comeliness,
Is an English girl of eleven stone two,
And five foot ten in her dancing shoe !
She follows the hounds, and on she pounds
The " field " tails off and the muffs diminish-
Over the hedges and brooks she bounds
Straight as a crow, from find to finish.
At cricket, her kin will lose or win
She and her maids, on grass and clover,
Eleven maids out eleven maids in
And perhaps an occasional " maiden over "!'
Go search the world and search the sea,
Then come you home and sing with me
There's no such gold.and no such pearl
As a bright and beautiful English girl !
With a ten-mile spin she stretches 'her limbs,
She golfs, she punts, she rows, she swims
She plays, she sings, she dances, too,
From ten or eleven till all is blue !
At ball or drum, till small hours come,
(Chaperon's fan conceals her yawning)
She'll waltz away like a teetotum,
And never go home till daylight's dawning.
Lawn tennis may share her favours fair
Her eyes a-dance and her cheeks a-glowing
Down comes her hair, but what does she care?
It's all her own and it's worth the showing!
Go search the world, &c.
Her soul is sweet as the ocean air,
For prudery knows no haven there ;
To find mock-modesty, please apply
To the conscious blush and the downcast eye.
Eich in the things contentment brings,
In every pure enjoyment wealthy,
Blithe as a beautiful bird she sings,
For body and mind are hale and healthy.
Her eyes they thrill with right goodwill
Her heart is light as a floating feather
As pure and bright as the mountain rill
That leaps and laughs in the Highland heather !
Go search the world, &c.
49
QUARTETTE.
NEK. Then I may sing and play?
LORD D. You may 1
KAL. And I may laugh and shout?
GOLD. No doubt!
NEK. These maxims you endorse?
LORD D. Of course 1
KAL. You won't exclaim " Oh fie! "
GOLD. . Not I !
GOLD. Whatever you are be that :
Whatever you say be true :
Straightforwardly act
Be honest in fact
Be nobody else but you.
LORD D. Give every answer pat
Your character true unfurl;
And when it is ripe,
You'll then be a type
Of a capital English girl.
ALL. Oh sweet surprise oh dear delight,
To find it undisputed quite,
All musty, fusty rules despite,
That Art is wrong and Nature right 1
NEK. When happy I,
With laughter glad
I'll wake the echoes fairly,
And only sigh
When I am sad
And that will be but rarely I
KAL. I'll row and fish,
And gallop, soon
No longer be a prim one
And when I wish
To hum a tune,
It needn't be a hymn one?
GoLoandLoRoD. No, nol
It needn't be a hymn one!
ALL (dancing). Oh, sweet surprise and dear delight
To find it undisputed quite
All musty, fusty rules despite
That Art is wrong and Nature right !
[Dance, and off.
50
Enter LADY SOPHY.
KECIT. LADY SOPHY.
Oh, would some demon power the gift impart
To quell my over-conscientious heart
Unspeak the oaths that never had been spoken,
And break the vows that never shall be broken 1
SONG. LADY SOPHY.
When but a maid of fifteen year,
Unsought unplighted
Short petticoated and, I fear,
Still shorter-sighted
I made a vow, one early spring,
That only to some spotless king
Who proof of blameless life could bring
I'd be united.
For I had read, not long before,
Of blameless kings in fairy lore,
And thought the race still flourished here
Well, well
I was a maid of fifteen year !
The KING enters and overhears this verse.
Each morning I pursued my game
(An early riser) ;
For spotless monarchs I became
An advertiser:
But all in vain I searched each land,
So, kingless, to my native strand
Eeturned, a little older, and
A good deal wiser!
I learnt that spotless King and Prince
Have disappeared some ages since
Even Paramount 's angelic grace
Ah, me!
Is but a mask on Nature's face!
(KiNo comes forward.
EECIT.
KING. Ah, Lady Sophy then you love me !
For so you sing
01
LADY S. No, by the stars that shine above me
(indignant and surprised). Degraded King I
(Producing " Palace Peeper.")
For while these rumours, through the city bruited
Remain uncontradicted, unrefuted,
The object thou of my aversion rooted,
Repulsive thing 1
KINO. Be just the time is now at hand
When truth may published be
These paragraphs were written and
Contributed by me!
LADY S. By you? No, no I
KINO. Yes, yes, I swear, by me !
I, caught in Scaphio's ruthless toil,
Contributed the lot I
LADY S. And that is why you did not boil
The author on the spot !
KINO. And that is why I did not boil
The author on the spot !
LADY S. I couldn't think why you did not boil!
KINO. But 1 know why I did not boil
The author on the spot !
DUET. LADY SOPHY and KINO.
LADY S. Oh, the rapture unrestrained
Of a candid retractation !
For my sovereign has deigned
A convincing explanation
And the clouds that gathered o'er,
All have vanished in the distance,
And of Kings of fairy lore
One, at least, is in existence !
KINO. Oh, the skies are blue above,
And the earth is red and rosal,
Now the lady of my love
Has accepted my proposal 1
For that asinorum pons
I have crossed without assistance,
And of prudish paragons
One, at least, is in existence 1
52
(KING and LADY SOPHY dance gracefully. While this is
going on LORD DRAMALEIGH enters unobserved with
NEKAYA and MR. GOLDBDRY with KALYBA. Then
enter ZARA and CAPT. FITZBATTLEAXE. The two girls
direct ZARA'S attention to the KING and LADY SOPHY,
who are still dancing affectionately together. At
this point the KING kisses LADY SOPHY, which causes
the Princesses to make an exclamation. The KING
and LADY SOPHY are at first much confused at being
detected, but eventually throw off all reserve, and
the four couples break into a wild Tarantella, and at
the end exeunt severally.)
Enter all the male Chorus, in great excitement, from
various entrances, led by SCAPHIO, PHANTIS, and
TARARA, and followed by the female Chorus.
CHOKUS.
Upon our sea-girt land
At our enforced command
Keform has laid her hand
Like some remorseless ogress
And make us darkly rue
The deeds she dared to do
And all is owing to
Those hated Flowers of Progress !
So down with them !
So down with them!
Eeform's a hated ogress.
So down with them!
So down with them!
"Down with the Flowers of Progress.
(Flourish. Enter KING, his three daughters, LADY
SOPHY, and the FLOWERS OF PROGRESS.)
KING. What means this most unmannerly irruption ?
Is this your gratitude for boons conferred ?
SCA. Boons? Bah! A fico for such boons, say we!
These boons have brought Utopia to a standstill !
Our pride and boast the Army and the Navy
Have both been re-constructed and re-modelled
Upon so irresistible a basis
That all the neighbouring nations have disarmed
And War's impossible ! Your County Councillor
Has passed such drastic Sanitary laws
53
That all the doctors dwindle, starve, and die !
The laws, re-modelled by Sir Bailey Barre,
Have quite extinguished crime and litigation :
The lawyers starve, and all the jails are let
As model lodgings for the working-classes!
In short
Utopia, swamped by dull Prosperity,
Demands that these detested Flowers of Progress
Be sent about their business, and affairs
Restored to their original complexion !
KING (to ZARA). My daughter, this is a very unpleasant state
of things What is to be done?
ZARA. I don't know I don't understand it. We must have
omitted something.
KINO. Omitted something? Yes, that's all very well, but
(SiR BAILEY BARRE whispers to ZARA.)
ZARA (suddenly). Of course! Now I remember! Why, I had
forgotten the most essential element of all !
KING. And that is?
\
ZARA. Government by Party 1 Introduce that great and
glorious element at once the bulwark and foundation of
England's greatness and all will be well! No political measures
will endure, because one Party will assuredly undo all that the
other Party has done; and while grouse is to be shot, and foxes
worried to death, the legislative action of the country will be at
a standstill. Then there will be sickness in plenty, endless law-
suits, crowded jails, interminable confusion in the Army and
Navy, and, in short, general and unexampled prosperity!
ALL Ulahlica! Ulahlical
PHAN. (aside). Baffled!
SCA. But an hour will come !
KING. Your hour has come already away with them, and let
them wait my will ! (SCAPHIO and PHANTIS are led off in custody.]
From this moment Government by Party is adopted, with all its
attendant blessings; and henceforward Utopia will no longer be a
Monarchy (Limited), but, what is a great deal better, a Limited
Monarchy !
64
FINALE.
ZARA. There's a little group of isles beyond the wave
So tiny, you might almost wonder where it is
That nation is the bravest of the brave,
And cowards are the rarest of all rarities.
The proudest nations kneel at her command
She terrifies all foreign-born rapscallions;
And holds the peace of Europe in her hand
With half a score invincible battalions !
Such, at least, is the tale
Which is borne on the gale,
From the island which dwells in the sea
Let us hope, for her sake,
That she makes no mistake
That she's all she professes to be!
KING. Oh may we copy all her maxims wise,
And imitate her virtues and her charities;
And may we, by degrees, acclimatize
Her Parliamentary peculiarities !
By doing so, we shall, in course of time,
Eegenerate completely our entire land
Great Britain is that monarchy sublime,
To which some add (but others do not) Ireland.
Such, at least, is the tale, &c.
CURTAIN
UNIVERSITY Of TORONTO
52 428
EDWARD JOHNSON
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