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Full text of "Vegetable verselets for humorous vegetarians"

r PS } 

\hlvl ^getable vetsckts 

"By "Margaret (j. Hays 
Tl^ tares hy ^vace Q. Wiederseim ' 




CINDERELLA SCULLION 




Class TSy^siS 



Copyright IJ° 



1311 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



Vegetable Verselets 



ILLUSTRATED BT 
GRACE G, fFIEDERSEIM 

Mollie and the Unwise- 
man Abroad 

By JOHN KENDRICK BANGS 

" Molly will be welcome wherever she 
goes, because of the merriment that 
follows in her wake." — Chicago Tribune. 

With ten full-page illustrations in color 

by Grace G. Wiederseim 

Octavo. Cloth, pictorial cover 

in colors, $1.50 




Spanish Onion Minstrel 

Page 60 




.^■ 



\J 



Vegetable Verselets 

For Humorous Vegetarians 



BY 

MARGARET G. HAYS 

WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
GRACE G. WIEDERSEIM 



ril Give you Food for Thought'* 



:<&•. 



PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON 

J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY 

1911 



^ 1111 



COPYRIGHT, I9II, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY 



PUBLISHED, NOVEMBER, I9II 



« 4 

« 



PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY 

AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS 

PHILADELPHIA, U.S.A. 



CCI.A30(»(JU7 

Vlp.' 



Dedicated 

TO 

All Fun-Lovers 



Vegetable Verselets 




(^^ 




THE TEA 



Mrs. I. Wrish Potato will be pleased to see 

Her friends at a sociable afternoon tea, 

From four until six, come one, come all 

Row twenty-five, by the high garden wall. 

This invitation, written neatly, 

'Roused the potato world completely. 

The clock struck four, as each fair guest 

Appeared at the function, neatly dressed. 

Miss Julienne, so slim, and tall 

Came in the French- Fry's carry-all, 

While Mistress Potato au Gratin 

Was so warm she had to use a fan. 

The Misses Saute'e were dainty and trim 

In their new summer hats, with parsley-decked rim; 

They flirted in quite a Parisienne way 

With Young Baked Potato, 

So stylish and gay. 

Soon old multimillionaire Boileau Potate 

Arrived in a motor, afraid he'd be late: 




Mrs. I. Wrisei Potato 



:%▲«. 




U^^Sk 



THE TEA 

{Continued) 



His daughter Miss Lyonnaise came with him too, 
Saying, " See you're not late, so why get in a stew ? " 

The gossips drank tea, 
Raised their hands and their eyes. 
When Gay Mashed Potato, for a surprise. 

Danced a jig (quite risquee) 
With Miss B. Tato Kake, 

The company laughed till their sides 'gan to ache. 
Oh, 'twas quite a success, said the guests, great and 

small. 
That afternoon tea, by the high garden wall. 




Gay Mashed Potato 




CINDERELLA SCULLION 

Cinderella Scullion sobs by the fire at home — 

Proud sisters gone out to the ball and left her all 

alone. 
Suddenly a fairy conies, and, with wand in hand. 
Changes little Scullion to an Onion Grand. 
Quickly to the Prince's ball 

Scullion fair is flying; 
Soon the Prince, the pride of all. 
With love for Scullion's dying. 
At the stroke of twelve, alack! 

Pretty Scullion must go back. 
But Prince Spanish Onion 

Comes next day and finds her — 
With a crown and wedding ring 
To himself he binds her. 

The cruel, proud sisters, with jealousy turned green 
When once despised Scullion was made Prince Onion's 
Queen. 




14 




Cinderella Scullion 



^^^^mmmmmm^ 



PRACTICAL PEG 

"I'm 'fraid that I might starve some day. 

The price of food's so high; 
Meat, fish, and soup, and Veg 'tables 

Are very dear — so I 
Am going to the garden," 

Smiles practical Miss Peg, 
** To plant this little egg-plant, so 

I'll always have an egg." 



^^mmmmm&^ 



16 




MMt 




THE CABBAGE-HEADS 



In days of old, when knights were bold, 

A naughty cruel Queen said: 
"Executioner Cold, do as you're told. 
Chop off that bold knight's head." 
(Wasn't that awful ?) 

Now often in the garden 

I see a noble row 
Of Cabbages, so green and proud^ — 

Somehow, I seem to know 
They're the heads of those poor foolish knights 

Cut off so long ago. 
Doing their very, very best 

To grow, and grow — and grow. 
Sometimes, when I've been watching 'em. 

Thinking such thoughts awhile, 
Each of those noble cabbage-heads 
Begins to bow and smile. 



TRIUMPHANT 

We're just as proud as we can be — 
Well dressed and fed as all can see. 
We've gained old castles with our wealth, 
Our young are beautiful with health. 
Galleries we've bought of ancestors; 
Society flocks through our doors; 
We're rich, as rich as rich can be^ — 
The Mushroom Aristocracee. 




18 




The Mushroom Aristocracee 



THE ACCIDENT 



Three little peas, on their road to school — My! 
Drove a cart, harnessed up to a big bay Horse-fly. 
The first little pea — a darling, named May — 
Cried, "Dear! I don't know any lessons to-day!" 
What mattereth that," said the next little pea; 
For our dear teacher knoweth as little as we." 
Said the third little pea, '' There goes the last bell! 
Giddap old slow Horse-fly!" The horse-fly said 

" Well, 
I'll ' Giddap ' all right for you— Golly, I'll fly." 
So he spread out his wings and he did fly — Oh my! 
Those three little peas rolled, bang ! out of the cart 
Each one crying loud, fit to break her young heart, 
Boo-hoo, oh, boo-hoo, we'll go home now," sayd they; 
Our cart is all broked — and our horse — flyed away ! '* 




The Accident 



"MISCREANT!" 

*' Sweet, sweet, sweet," 

The Potato-bugs are singing, 
To charming Sweet Potato. 

In her hammock swinging, 
A song she's humming soft and low 

As she swingeth to and fro; 
The Moon peeps coyly from a cloud; 

Ha ! a shriek, shrill, clear and loud — 
'Tis lovely Sweet Potato's voice! 
The reader will with me rejoice 
To hear they caught the wretch, I hope. 
Who cut the charmer's hammock-rope. 




22 



?:-ua% i-2-wAi&i^-t< 




Lovely Sweet Potato 



THE REGIMENT 

The Cornstalks march in rows. 
They have no fear of foes, 
For each Corn soldier knows 
The flag that o'er him blows — 
So boom-ta-ra-ra, gay, 
The Fife and Drum Corps play. 
Sweethearts, alack-a-day. 
Weep as they march away. 
Grieve not, oh damsels fair, 
Ev'ry Corn soldier there. 
Although he loves your beauty, 
Is bound to do his duty — 
No time for sentiment 
In the Cornstalk Regiment. 




24 



'wm^m&^jm&^ 



BACHELOR MAYDES 

Single blessed demoiselles 

Were the Misses Carrot, 
Finding fond amusement oft 

With their Cat and Parrot. 
Stump speaking, too, they practised, oh! 

" Let all women vote ! " 
Quite inflaming were those speeches 

Never learned by rote ; 
For their lot these "spinster sisters " 

Felt no sad regrets — 
Misses Carrot, Cat, and Parrot, 

All were Suffragettes. 



25 




ANOTHER HUMPTY 

Over the garden wall, 

Stony and grey and tall, 
A lover Gourd was climbing 

To see his sweetheart small. 
She lived on the other side, 

In riches, pomp and pride. 
While he was poor, but honest. 

And his parents, all had died. 
Alas, alas, alack! 

Why did he not turn back ? 
For now his little Sweetheart 
Will have to dress in black. 
He climbed that cru-el wall. 
So cold and grim and tall. 
But his " stem " broke when he reached the top. 
And goodness — what a fall ! 

It is a shame to smile, a perfect shame and sin, 
But the " mess " that Humpty Dumpty made 
Was " nothing " next to " him! " 




26 




The Lover Gourd 



WELL! 



" I say you shall I " 

''I say I shan't!" 
Thus argued papa Oyster Plant 
Trying to force his gay son Ned 
A wealthy heiress for to wed. 
" I say you shall! " 

''I say /shan't!" 

Oh what a naughty Oyster Plant! 
Have you thought, Ned, 

Where you might go 

For disobeying papa so ? 




Ned Oyster Plant 



SAD NEWS 



Pretty Mistress Spinach 

Was seated at her wheel; 
In came Master Radish 

Saying, " Pray, how do you feel ? " 
Mistress Spinach laughed so gay 
As she put her wheel away. 

'' I'm just as fresh as I can be. 

Friend Radish, how is it with thee ? " 
"I'm not so crisp," the Radish sighed. 

'' I called on Farmer Smithey 
This morning, and he said that I 

Am growing old — and pithy." 




Friend Hadish and Mistress Spinach 



THE KIND LITTLE TURNIPS 

Old Gran'ther Turnip 

Was grouchy and grim, 
Though his family were all 

Very loving to him. 
He'd growl and he'd fuss, 

He would grumble and scold; 
The young folks forgave him 

Because he was old. 
Said they, " Poor old Gran'ther, 

We know why it is : 
He's cross 'cause he's crippled 

With bad rheumatiz; 
So we'll not fight or shout 

For fear it might tease him. 
We will all do our best 

To cheer him and please him. 
Though now I feel gay," 

Said each wise turnip-elf, 
** Someday I may be old 

And 'grouchy' myself! " 




Grand'ther TuRNit 



"^^^^^0^^^^^ 



HEART-BEETS 

"Wilt thou be mine, Oh, Rosy One; 

Thou'rt sweet enough to eat." 
Thus spoke an am'rous tuber 

To his sweetheart, shy Miss Beet. 
When Miss Beet heard her lover's plea 

She coyly whispered, "Yes; 
But you'd better ask Papa, my dear. 

Before we wed, I guess." 
Paterfamilias heard the swain — 

Kis answer — why repeat it ? 
The meaning was quite clear and so 

The lover wisely — " Beet it." 



'^^m^mm^jm&^ 



34 




The Lover Wisely— "Beet It" 




NARCISSUS CUCUMBER 

Oh, once there was a Cucumber, 

A dainty green young lass ; 

She saw herself reflected in 

The brook's clear looking-glass. 

" Is that me ? " cried the damsel gay. 

" I wish a prince would pass this way; 

I am not rich, or great, or witty, 

But goodness, gracious me! 

I'm pretty!" 




36 




Pretty Cucumber 



EUPHONIOUS ARTHUR 

When Arthur had the whooping-cough. 
He thought it quite a joke 

In the vegetable-garden 

To watch the Arti- choke. 

(Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!) 




38 



THE ELOPEMENT 

Pert and pretty Polly Parsley, 

Prinking at her glass, 
Pranked in posy-printed poplin 

Posed the pretty lass. 
Clever Cecil Celery, climbing. 

Clambered through the casement, clear. 
" Gadzooks," cried the canny Cecil, 

" Wilt thou wed me, dear } " 
Tripping tenderly together. 

See the sweetly smiKng swains. 
Charming Cecil, Pretty Polly, 

Radiant rays shine through the rains; 
Gayly gambling, glad and gleeful. 

To the pious priest they go. 
While benignant smiles above them 

Sweetheart's patron saint Rainbow. 




39 



MISS TOMATO'S MILLINERY 

One fine day in early May 

Miss Tomato — so they say — 

Left her cozy Kttle flat, 

Started out to buy a hat. 

A hat she chose with roses on it, 

A feather and a small pomponette, 

A quill, a frill, a bird or two. 

And several buckles gleaming new. 

The price she paid — but why relate ? 

She said 'twas "something" ninety-eight. 

"Becoming, dear," her friends all sing, 

"And such a simple, little thing." 




40 




Miss Tomato's New Hat 



THE PIE PLANT 

Rosa Rhubarb had a shop 

Where she sold cakes and pies, 
LoUipops and sugar-drops, 

To foolish folk and wise. 
Flirty Clarence Sugar Cane 

Stopped to buy some pies, 
Lingered — chatting — complimenting 

Rosa's lovely eyes. 
Rosa Rhubarb, laughing gaily. 

Bade the youth depart. 
Saying, ''Haste, here comes my hubby; 

Take your pie and start." 
Clarence Sugar Cane departed 
Feeling quite, oh, quite downhearted. 
Resolved when next to flirt he tarried 
He'd choose a girl who was n't married. 




°^fa 





Rosa Rhubarb 




WIDOWED 

Dear me ! What is this all about ? 
It is the Widow Brussels Sprout 
Sobbing and crying, poor, dear thing; 
She lost her Hubby Sprout last spring. 
" Oh, willow — willow waley me ! " 
She sobs and moans continually. 
Says she, '' My feelings it would save 
Could I put flowers on a grave. 
Alas a cruel, horrid sinner, 
Boohoo! ate Hubby Sprout for dinner! 
So* I must weep here all alone 
Without even a small tombstone ! " 




44 




Widow Brussels-Sprout 




IBMM^ 




THE DUEL 



Sir Cauliflower fought a duel 

With gallant Lord Tomato. 
The ''seconds " of the former were 

The brothers White Potato; 
The latter had for "seconds " 

The Messrs. Celery tall. 
The time arranged was sunrise, 

At Chanticleer's first call. 
The combatants chose "pistils" 

Culled from the Tiger-Lily. 
I'll not say what 'twas all about. 

The subject was too silly. 
Th' encounter met a "finish" 

Not oft' found in a book, 
For the dramatis personse 

Were captured — by the Cook! 



NAUTICAL LANGUAGE 

Gallant Captain Squash he sailed the high seas. 

His crew it consisted of Marrowfat Peas ; 

So round were these "tars," they did nothing but roll 

When reefing the topsail or stoking the coal, 

*'Avast there, me hearties," the captain he roared; 

""I'll marlin-spike every blank lubber aboard." 

** Hard-a-port," he would say; ** Ship-ahoy ! " and 

'* Belay!" 
All of this, and much more, very fierce, every day. 
T don't know what he meant by such queer words as 

these ; 
Suppose we'd find out if we sailed the high seas. 




47 



THE MINUET 



In the garden late one night 

Some one saw a pretty sight, 

In the hghts and shadows playing 

Were the silv'ry moonbeams straying 

Made strange pictures round one, left and righ1^> 

Lady Lettuce — young and green — 

Wore a spreading crinoline. 
Quite entrancing was her dancing 

With the courtly Lima Bean; 
Tall was he and slim and stately; 
Oh, they bowed and stepped sedately, 

Curts'ing lowly — rising slowly; 

While above them, calm and holy, 
White the moon shone in the night. 

Oh, the sight filled one with pleasure 

While the breezes played a measure 

All the little leaves were clapping — 
Whisp'ring — clapping with delight. 




The Minuet 



JAY PARSNIP 

Young Jay Parsnip from the country. 

Just arrived in town, 

Goes into a clothing store, to buy a suit of brown. 

Tries one on . . . *' That fits you like 

Der paper on der vail ! " 

Young Jay Parsnip wiggles, asking, 

*' Isn't it too small ? " 

'* Nodt a bit too small — no, sonny; 

That suidt jus' looks like — ready money! " 

At last the suit is bought by Jay; 

A nice fat price he has to pay; 

Then out he strolls upon the streets. 

Laughed at by every one he meets. 

The name of the shop where he bought it, folks. 

Was *' Store of Jerusalem Artichokes." 

Jay Parsnip belonged to that class of queer folks 

Who pose for the newspaper comic man's jokes. 

Jerusalem Artichokes 'most often dress 'em; 

But I'm thankful there is such a class — Heaven bless 
'em! 




50 



BOSTON BEAN 

Book in hand and spec's on nose, 
That's how the Boston Baked Bean grows. 
Plato, Homer, Cicero, 
Such a lot she sure does know; 
German, Latin, French, and Greek, 
And other tongues, she well can speak. 
Stately pleasures at command, 
Ibsen plays and Opera Grand, 
Maeterhnck and dear Rostand. 
Though she's int 'rested in Flag-time, 
Doubt she ever heard of Rag-time. 
S'pose this dame would deem it shocking 
Should one dub her a blue stocking. 




51 



THE TWINS 

A present for papa — the cute little dears! 

Nurse Cabbage at Papa Bean's study appears; 

*'Just look what the kind stork has brought to our 

house. 
Now every one here must be still as a mouse. 
They're the prettiest babies I ever have seen," 
Says Nurse Cabbage to slightly nonplussed Papa Bean. 
*' But you're perfectly right to dissemble your joy 
And your pride and delight in this dear girl and boy." 
Papa Bean sees his plentiful family outside: 
** Well, at least there's no question of Race Suicide.'* 




52 




Papa Bean 



'mm&mmt^jm&^ 



WEDDING GOSSIPS 

Ding dong dell — Hear the wedding-bell ! 
Ada Asparagus a bride ! 

Dear! Law sakes! Do tell ! 
Robed in satin, veiled in lace, — 

Good no one can see her face! 
Hurry, let us see 

Who can the bridegroom be. 
Young Jay Parsnip — Lands above! 
No wonder folks say, 

^' Blind as Love." 
Ding dong dell ! goes the wedding bell. 

Who will give the bride away ? 
Papa Oyster Plant, they say. 
Here the bride's maids come, how sweet ! 
Misses Salad and Red Beet. 

Ding dong dell, goes the wedding-bell ! 
Come along, we mustn't stare; 

Every one seems to be there. 



54 




The Wedding 



» » > 

> > J 
» . * 




THE OPERA 

Prima donna Salad sang Juliet divinely, 

While tenor Squash, as Romeo, trilled most superfinely; 

But conversation waxed so loud 

In the nouveau riche Tomato crowd 

The music-loving public found 

The singers' lovely voices drowned. 

Rich Vegetable Dames were there, 

Mostly in jewels dressed. 

While all the beaux appeared in " tails " 

With decollete white vests. 

The Johnny Turnips carried flowers 

To the stage-door down the alley, 

With supper invitations 

To the beauteous *' Corps de ballet." 




56 




THE AERONAUT 

Oh, an up-to-date young Egg-plant 

Once rode an aeroplane 
To the Strait of far Gibraltar, 

Then he started home again. 
In the middle of th' Atlantic 

He met a sudden squall. 
So that up-to-date young Egg-plant 

Never reached his home at all. 




57 



THE WOOING OF CHIEF MAIZE 



In the forest shade an Indian maid, 

The lovely Kidney Bean, 
Lived with her dad, an Indian bad, 

The worst you've ever seen. 
This naughty chief was quite a thief 

Unknown to his fair daughter. 
She thought it sad, and sighed, " Poor Dad! " 

When he stole and drank ''fire-water." 
Brave young Chief Maize had wooed for days 

This pretty Indian maid; 
Oft had he told his love so bold 

Of naught was he afraid. 
So when, one day, "dad " passed away. 

After too much " fire-water," 
This handsome chief assuaged the grief 

Of Kidney Bean his daughter; 
And when, that fall, the trees so tall 

Their golden leaves had shed. 
Chief Maize and beauteous Kidney Bean 

Quite happily were wed. 




The Wooing of Chief Maize 



WHAT HO ! THE MINSTREL 



The Spanish Onion Minstrel sang 

One sad and doleful chord; 
The Potatoes listened to him 

As they strolled upon the sward. 
His song " peeled " forth so sweet and strong^ 

So strong and sweet and wise, 
The Potatoes' Celtic hearts were touched 

And tears gushed from their "eyes." 
See Frontispiece 



NOV n ?t11 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



NOV ii isn 



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