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50D7 1500DS1 u 



Accession No 1-48536 

CallNo.C^ ^^ VO 



'767 11-32 10M CALIFORNIA STATE PRINTING OFFICE "T". 3\ - ^_S-<_ 



Digitized by the Internet Archive 

in 2012 with funding from 

California State Library Califa/LSTA Grant 



http://archive.org/details/waspjulydec188413unse 



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Price )- 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, JULY 5, 1884. 



-{ 10 Cents. 



The LARGEST HAT STORE on this COAST. 



Herrmann, The Hatter. 

( C. Herrmann & Co. ) 
332 to 336 Kearny Street, 

Bbtwbbn Bush and Pine Sts. San Francis 

FINEST PHOTOS IN THE CITY 



IMPERIAL GALLERY, 

724^2 Market Street, 
the celebrated 

CHAMPAGNE WINES 

Of Messrs. Deutz & Gelderman, Ay, en Champagne. 

Cachet Blanc, TmSa.. i^tS^and'p&Sf.'* 



ZT^,J, M/:..»n 1 InCnscsfromGM.Pabst- 

Jiocfc Wines \ mann Sohlli Mainz. 

CHARLES MEINECKE & CO., 

Importers and Sole Agents, 
314 SACRAMENTO STREET. SA N FRANCISCO. 

THE NEVADA BANK 



OF SAN FRANCISCO. 
CAPITAL PAID UP, 



$3,000,000. 



Agency at New York 62 Wall Street. 

Agency at Virginia, Nevada. 
Buys and sells Exchange and Telegraphic Transfers. Issues 
Commercial and Travelers' Credits. 

CALIFORNIA 

SAFE DEPOSITITRUST CO. 

326 MONTGOMERY ST., SAN FRANCISCO. 

J. D. Fry, Pres.; C. R. Thompson (late of Union Trust Co., 
N. Y.) Treas.; Wm. Cunningham, Sec. 

CAPITAL PAID UP AND SURPLUS, - $525,000. 

Interest Allowed on Deposits, 

At 3 per cent, per annum for Deposits to remain 30 days or 
longer; 2 per cent, on Deposits subject to check at sight. 
Loans made on Collateral Security. 

Vault Department: Safes, $2 to $20 per month, $15 to $200 
per year. Valuables of all kinds received on Special Deposit 
for safe keeping. Open 8 A.M. to 6 p.m., S. E. cor. Montgomery 
and California Streets. Gen'l W. L. Elliott, Vice-Pres. 

F. E. R. Whitney, Sup't and Chief of Patrol. 



CHARLES DIETLE, 
PRIZE BOOT MAKER, 

235 Bush St., San Francisco. 



SHIPPER & SCHWARTZ, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

733 Market Street, - Opposite Dupont, 

san francisco, cal. 

Sol. Shu-iek, formerly of San Jose, and late from 
Portland, Oregon. 

PRIZE 



BOOT AND SHOE MAKER. 



JOHN UTSCHIG, 



326 Bush Street, 



San Francisco. 



Deposits received. Loans made on city and country property 
at low rates. 

SAN FRANCISCO WIRE WORKS. 

C. H. GRUENHAGEN, 

MANUFACTURER OF 

ALL KINDS of WIRE WORK 

669 MISSION STREET, 
BET. THIRD AND NEW MONTGOMERY. 

Best Shirts, 

Underwear and Furnishing Goods. 

CARMANY, 

25 Kearny Street. 



BURR & FINK, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

620 Market Street, 
opposite palace hotel entrance. 

Great Blood Purifier. 

DRINK 

African Stomach Bitters, 

Most Agreeable Tonic ever Prepared. 

THE CALIFORNIA 

Savings and Loan Society, 

JUNCTION MARKET AND POWELL STS. 



E. MARTIN & CO., 

Importers and Wholesale Liquor Dealers. 

"ARGONAUT," "J, F. CUTTER/' and "MILLER'S EXTRA" 

Old Bourhon Whiskies, 
408 FRONT STREET. SAN FRANCISCO. 

5TUDEBAKER BROS.' 

CARRIAGES AND BUGGIES 

201-207 Market Street, San Francisco. 

"White House" Whiskies, 

Holland Gin, French Brandies, Port, Sherry, 

etc., etc. 
In Bond or Duty Paid. 

GEORGE STEVENS, 

318 FRONT STREET, Room 2, SAN FRANCISCO. 

" EXCELSIOR ! " " EXCELSIOR ! " 

C. ZINNS, 
FASHIONABLE TAILOR, 

5 Montgomery St. (Masonic Temple), 

SAN FRANCISCO. 

donald McMillan, 

Manufacturer and Dealer in 

SYRUPS, CORDIALS, BITTERS, EXTRACTS, 

CALIFORNIA WINES, ETC. 

No. 714 Front Street, San Francisco. 

P. O. Box 1443. Telephone No. S7. 

Drink Donald McMillan's Celery Tonic ! 



A. S. Hallidie, Pres. 



Henry L. Davis, Sec'y- 



California Wire Works, 

Manufacturers and Dealers in every description of Wire Goods, 
Brass. Copper and Iron Wire Cloth, Wire Work Railings, 
Guards, Screens, Sieves, Shade Cloth, Bird Cages, Battery 
Screens, etc. 

Office and Salesroom: 
No, 6 CALIFORNIA ST., S. F. 



ST. 



LEMP'S 
LOUIS BEER. 



otto normann, 

Sole Agent Pacific Coast 

WM. J. LEMP'S WESTERN BREWERY, 

ST. LOUIS, MO. 
No. 411 Bush St., San Francisco. 

Large Stock of Beer in Bulk and Bottles always on hand. 

£5T ORDERS FROM DEALERS PROMPTLY ATTENDED TO. "Si 



*—+• 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES. N - R - c Z;r^^ R T^l G ^ RRY 



£ "2 

rt tg 

- ■■ Ml 



5 e8 

't "3 



WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY. 

foil. I <>] IM II A ItltV I VT STS., S. F., 
Manufacturers of and Dealers in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A I. arm 1 Assortment Constantly on 
Hand and Made to Order. 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 
Guaranteed. 



Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon, 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, Ban Francisco. 
PreBh Bread delivered every day and cakes 
made to Order. Sole agent for R.USSTAN 
CAVIAR and WESTPHALIA .HAMS. Ger- 
man Sausages. A. UEIISCIIE. 

KOHLER & VAN SERGEN. 

FINE 
Old Tablets 
WINES. ta W| 

ZIXFAMIEI, ^3 

CLARETS, KrfpS 

HOCKS, WW 

PORTS. >i£fi&YW$JB' - ■ ■ 

SIIERRIES,Ete ^f/A'S^X^^^> 

VAULTS : <y ^H^,-, ^ j 

417, 419 Mont'ery G\^35#' 

Branch : \^- Stf* ^ 
987 to 993 Market 

UflDER GRAND £\\ 
CENTRAL MARKET. 

Growers and Dealers in 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 
PRINCIPAL « FFICE : 

AI7 AIQ Montgomery St , 

*TI I J ~IW SAN FRANCISCO. 





Veuve Clicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

QUARTS AND PINTS. 

A. VIGNIERTSole Agent, 

439 A 431 BATTERY ST., S. F. 



Z3XI. HENLEY'S 



CELERY 



Tie Greatest 
Servlne 
blown. 



KEF 
IRON 



(Lteblj's Extract), 

tie Wonderful Nnrritlve 

and invigorator. 



(PTtoplospiate), 

Tonic lor tie Blood, and 

Food lor tie Brain. 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERY, lately pre- 
pared and sold in Portland, Or., has been exten- 
sively used in that localitj' and performed many 
astonishing cures. As a NERVINE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEP and IRON has shown to possess wonderful 
power to build up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to both mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in cases of GENERAL DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA, LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared and Sold by 

TUTHILL, COX & CO., 

637 Clay Street, San Francisco. 



DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum § Anatomy 

751 Market St. 

GO AND LEARN HOW TO 
k avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
fully you are made. 
Private Office, 311 Geary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



JOHN WIELAND 

Proprietor, 
Second St.. nr. Folsom, S.F. 



CANfRANCISCOOTOCK DREWERT 

Capital Stock, 

$200,000. 



P P P P P P P 
OUR LAGER BEER IS 
f BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAR 
RANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANY CLIMATE. 




Corner of Powell 

AND 

Francisco Streets 

Telephone 9012. 

Ale and Porter 

IN BULK OR BOTTLE. 

any 



"JESSE MOORE 

WHISKEY." 

Superior in 

QUALITY 




J. GUNDLACH & CO. 





RIPE OLD WINES. 

(UNSURPASSED— DELICIOUS FLAVOR.) 

Wine Vaults: Market & Second, S.F. 




The Favorite of Real Con- 
noisseurs. 




H. Clausen &. Son Brewing Co. 
EXPORT CHAMPAGNE 

La°;er Beer! 

H01TJ,ED BY THE 

IIKJ M\ KO'I III \*i CO., XEH YORK. 

Pure, Bright and Sparkling, and RECOM- 
MENDED BY LEADING PHYSICIANS as Best 
Beer for Family Use. 

ALFRED GREENEBAUM&CD. 
Sole Agents Pacific Const, 

For Sale Everywhere. 




"K~ I D GLOVE S 

ALWAYS 
GIVE 
SATIS- 
rp FACTION 

FACTORY : No. 119 DI'PONT STREET, 

Bet. Geary and Post, Wan Francisco. 

PREBLE'S 

OREGON CIDER. 

(IK Cases and Barbels.) 
Warranted to Keep in any Climnte- 

CAL. AND OREGON CIDER CO., 

21$ DAVIS STREET, S. F. 




SOLD BY 
DRUGGISTS 

AND 

GROCERS 

EVERYWHERE. 

Every Bottle 
Guaranteed. 




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STANDARD LEATHER BELTING. A - °; °™L* "?"• 



415 MARKET STREET, S. I'. 




cs 



-ISSUED BT'WH^THERAlUOAO 
MONOPOLY or*™ UNITED STATES 



0ood fo^ QNf. passage To The. DEMOCRATIC 
CONVENTION ki CHICAQO mr V/hen 
micim TJNDtKttt YEM\ 1M4 

1. If this contract bean punch-marks, occasioned 
by the punch which Crocker, Stanford, Huntington 
& Oo. have been brewing for Field the Judge, it 
indicates that this ticket with attached coupons 
has been sold at a reduoed rate. 

2. The Democratic Convention will by no means 
extend the time on this ticket. 



3. This ticket is subject to the restrictions im- 
posed upon all travelers by the 11. E. Go's of America 
under the wise decisions of Field the' Judge,- 




4. This ticket is a free pass to all who intend 
that Field the Judge shall be the nominee of the 
Democratic Party of America. 



5. Every holder of this ticket is entitled to carry 
, 100 lbs. weight of Field's decisions. 







SCHMIDT LABEL R LITHO. CO , SAN FRANCISCO. 



HEADING THE TICKET. 



THE WASP. 



A BALLAD OF BUTTONS, 



Two lovers wandered on the shore 
Beheld the moon and sighed the more. 

Then suddenly the charmer cried, 
' O pluck that blossom for thy bride !" 

Quick rushed the gentleman — his hand 
Had clasped the flower on the strand. 

Alas ! he slipped — here in the stream, 
Fell bud and gallant — woe supreme ! 

The lady dreadful shrieking made, 
But did not faint, and ran to aid. 

She leaned, she grasped, and he was caught, 
By one great button held up taut. 

Then broke — ah ! how she shrieked anew — 
The button s woolen thread in two ! 

Her ardently adored one sank 

While she still clutched the button's shank ! 

Not long the lady stopped to think, 
She hurled him from the river's brink, 

And he and she, and she and he 
Were floated, corpses, out to sea. 

Your tailor ! beat it in his head 

To sew on buttons with linen thread. 

Think of fond dreams not so dispelled 
In this case bad a button held. 

Two lives that tailor rudely ended, 
That on his woolen thread depended ! 

—Translated from the German by E. F. Dawson. 



A LIGHT, LIGHT LOVE, 



The surf broke thundering on the shore with a full, sonorous Blaine 
boom. Within there were toddy and poker. The old man stirred the toddy, 
the poker stirred the fire. There was a young girl at the other end of the 
poker. 

" You are restless to-night, Gladys," whistled the old man in a high, quer- 
ulous bass voice. 

" I was thinking of Ned, father," replied the girl, giggling weakly. 

" And what turns your thoughts Edward, child ? " 

" This fearsome night. I parted with Ned 'tiB now two weeks. The sun 
waB high in the heavens, the sea as much like glass as it ever is, and the 
weather very much as usual. You could have heard a lamb poon. [Life. — 
Ed. ] I had a strange foreboding that I should not see him till he came 
back, and to-night I feel quite the same, thank you." 

" Tut, girl ; 'twas a morbid fancy. You are as prickly and as impracti- 
cable as a syrosophone. What sound was that ? " 

" Puget," yawned the girl, wearily. "It's been at it all night ; I should 
think you'd be used to it." 

" It is knocking at a door. It is an adorer ; it is " 

" Ned," said the girl, languidly, as a long young man between a nair of 
" here-we-are-at-last " side whiskers, materialised, iyid-tftlk possession of 
the old man's arm-chair. At this mainfssta;tiiff the elcl miiH, > t i ire"d' already, 
retired. ;"•• *.:••■"•"*' 

" Glad, Gladys? " queried the young man, carefully putting .he* \&W£e&: 
himself and the draught from the door.. .■ • ;. j'U".;; I •'• '. .*.'. ' '.', 

"Frankly, I had on a very yearnfu^-ye.aiai'*r{>'.s££yo*u just before you 
came in, yet now that you are here merthinks you bore me unutterably," said 
the girl, with the shy confidence of fifth love. 

" Capricious one ! " chided the seasoned lover. 

" Call you it so ? " said the girl with an animation born of talking about 
herself ; " my father ever calls it cussedness." 

Silence fell. You could have heard a digest. [Our own. — Ed. Wasp.] 
A strange film spread over the young man's eyes, his head fell forward and 
his lips parted. 

" Edward ! " shrieked the girl, falling on her knees at his side. He started 
convulsively. 

" The warmth of the room, your sweet words," he stammered. 

" What is it ? " she implored. " I never saw you thus." 

" It is nature's revenge," he muttered darkly. " I have been on a ptero- 
dactyl." 

" Oh, God ! what is that ? " she besought, wringing her hands. 

" Hist ! let me begone ere thiB convulsion again o'ertake me. It is — it is 
a large, antidiluvian species of bat. " 

THE "WASPS" NOTE-BOOK, 



Here is a suggestion to which the publishers of Langley's Directory are 
welcome : 

Luning, Nicholas, Consumer, 211 Sansome st., res. Palace hoteL 



We saw an article headed "The Nina's New Screw," and thought it 
was a late wrinkle among the girls to get car-fare, but it proved to be only 
a screw-driving and steering apparatus attached by one Kunstadter to the 
diBpatch boat Nina. We breathe more freely. 

Perhaps Joe Grant or some other recent voyager^to the Sandwich 
Islands, can supply the missing link in this paragraph from the Honolulu 



Commercial Advertiser: "If any restless inmate of the Royal Hawaiian 
Hotel should hear the soft strains of a violin proceeding from the neighbor- 
hood of a stone wall in that vicinity, he must not use bad language and wish 
the Berenader in a warmer climate than Honolulu affords. The romantic 
fact is that a recent arrival from the coast has been Btricken by the charms 
of one of the islands' fairest daughters, and breathes his passion at those 
unseemly hours to the stone wall and her lattices." Of course the fiddler is 
Henry Hyman, but who can the girl be, eh, Joe ? 



We fatigue of : 

The plumber ; 

Orange and banana peel ; 

Peck's Bad Boy ; 

Twins ; 

The umbrella ; 

The piece of soap ; 

The mother-in-law ; 

Mr. and Mrs. Spoopendyke ; 

The poverty of editors ; 

The boarding-house table ; 

Susan B. Anthony ; 

Dr. Mary Walker. 



Chester A. Arthur received the degree of LL. D. at the Princeton Com- 
mencement. We suppose it to stand for " Left Like the Devil." 



To dude and mugwump is added the new word " fan-tods." To " get 
the fan-todB " is a trick of making believe to faint away. 

Heinrich Heine called calf-love the " provisional purgatory in which 
we are accustomed to being roasted before entering the real everlasting hell. 



PARIS AND BERLIN. 



An International 



e that May Lead to War. 



'Twas at the Astor House the other morning, when a huge florid Ger- 
man with an eight-days' growth of beard on his floridity rambled into the 
barber-shop and tumbled into the French barber's chair. The lather was 
duly applied to the Teuton's beard and ears and the Frenchman began oper- 
ations. He also began to converse. 

" \ou zink eet veel raine zeez evening?" he inquired, as he dabbled the 
brush in his customer's eye. 

" I dink dot id a liddle.loogs zumdimes lieg dot," responded the sufferer. 
The shaving proceeded. 

" Zee skeen oof you vace ees tendaire," casually remarked the barber. 

" So-o-o ? " said the German. 

" Oui, oui, zat ees zo." 

" Yell, py shimmy, dot voz zumding I don'd alretty breddy veil lieg," ex- 
claimed the customer. 

" Deet you evare try zee eau de lavendare?" softly queried the man of 
lather. 

" Nein, nicht, nefer, nodimes." 

" Eet ees tres goot. Zee finess zing in zee monde — vat you call eem— 
vorlde, " enthusiastically said the child of sunny France. 

" Ish dot zo ? " queried the enemy of the American hog. 

" Eet ees ass I say. Sail I try eet ? Zee zees ees how eet ees poot oop," 
and the barber showed him the bottle. 

"All ride," said the German languidly. "Ivyou vants doo dry id, go 
ahet breddy qvick, ain'd id. " 

The Frenchman went ahead briskly and laved the evangelist of sauer- 
kraut liberally with the lavender. Fritz seemed to enjoy it hugely, and 
when the operation was finished he arose and remarked : 

" Dot vassar vas zo goot ess any dings, hay ? " 
He donned his coat and hat and was duly brushed down by the artistic 
broom- wielder, when the smiling, bowing representative of communism in 
the concrete handed him two checks ; one for fifteen cents and one for two 
dollars. 

The German accepted the smaller check and blandly inquired : 

" Vot vas dot udder gheck vor ? " 

" Zat ees vor ze botteel of eau de lavennare," replied the Frenchman, 
smiling still. 

" Dunner nnt blitzen ! " ejaculated the German ; " vot vor you dakes me, 
you vrog-eadin Vrenchman, a vool already? I don'd vant dot laventer 
vassar. I can ged blendy ov dot vassar ofer py Vashington down, py 
shimmy, unt don'd you vorgod id ! " 

" Mille diable ! " shrieked the Bastile buster ; "vat vor you let me open 
zee botteel vor ? Sacre bleu, you ansaire me zat, you peeg AllemagneBe ! " 

" Dot vos your pizness all de vile alretty, don'd id," retorted the German, 
as he coolly laid down fifteen cents and walked out. Once outside he 
chuckled to himself and remarked : 

" Dose vos zum more refenges vor Yenna unt Auerstadt boot qvick, 
don'd it." 

And then he rolled down to the bar-room and set np zwei bottles of 
Milwaukee, one for himself and one for the Vaderland. — Hatchet. 

" Gimme a quarter, won't you ? " asked a seedy-looking man of a citizen 
who was passing down Church street. 

" What do you want of a quarter ? " was the demand of the citizen. 

" Want t' — to put in the hat." . 

" Whose hat ? " 

"My hat." 

" What's the matter with your hat ? " 

" Nuzzin's the matter with hat— want to make my head big 'nough to fit 
into it. " 

The citizen did not contribute. 



14853ft 



THE WASP. 



8 



THE CASTLE OF BALLYSIMON. 



In Erin once there lived a chief. 

And he was rich as Timon, 
He reared a gorgeous castle there 

And called it Ballysimon. 

'Twas made of chunks of mud and peat 
And frescoed o'er with heather ; 

The entrance hole was big enough 
For chief and pig together. 

Around it was a little moat, 

Perhaps a little boggy— 
Perhaps a prop that braced one wall 

Was just a trifle groggy. 

The castle was admired by all 
Who were the least discerning, 

Beside it was the county seat 
Of ancient wit and learning. 

'Twas there that Brian Boru bold, 

And Malachi and Sheely, 
Sat round on fragrant heaps of turf 

And chewed the praties mealy. 

And in those times there ne'er was wake 

Or festival of Hymen, 
Which was not 'tended by the Flynns— 

The Flynns of Ballysimon. 

And at the fairs and country shows, 
Where heads were broken daily, 

You'd always find the Flynns in force, 
Each one with his sheelaly. 

And now in modern days there's not 

A spot in Erin fairer, 
Than that where Ballysimon stands 

Beside the river Tara. 



San Francisco, July, 1SS4- 



-Busted Bohemian. 



THE SCRIBBLERS AND THEIR SCRIBBLES, 



A Story of Sunset Smith and Some Choice Observations. 

Truth is the name of a regular banger of a socialistic paper published in 
this city by Burnette G. Haskell, and we have the pronounced pleasure of 

acknowledging the receipt of Vol. 1, No. . Mr. Haskell undertakes the 

pleasant task of explaining the existence of poverty, disease and crime, and 
his conclusions as to the causes are no less instructive and interesting than 
his recipe for a sure cure. ' ' We are poor," he says, " because some one else 
has more than he needs." Right as a plummet, Mr. Haskell ! You might 
even have said that there are several who have more than they need. As to 
crime, Mr. Haskell remarks : " Abolish the robbery of the worker and you 
place him above want or the fear of want. Abolish want or its fear and you 
remove the incentive to eighty per cent, of crime." Presuming that he re- 
fers to the criminal who has more than he needs as the twenty per cent, of 
criminals, he appears to have conclusively stated the moral ailment of the 
other eighty per cent, with a correctness that is creedmoorish in its bull's- 
eye accuracy. Next, the editor of Truth tackles the cause of disease, and 
both schools of medicine are felt to shake like their diplomas, rattled by the 
vibrations of a syrosophone, when he says: "Read the lesson without 
further schooling : that were the causes of poverty abolished, the main 
causes of all disease would be dead as well." 



The little brown pamphlet What and 
he know about it, and Why did he publ 
what is a bicycle and why is it a desirable 
a man who was run down, and following 
cycle and ran other people down. There 
lation and the Mosaic L. A. W. of bicycle 
of American Wheelman. The dress suit 
law-suit of the bicycler triumphant are 
wise M. D's, Hons. and Revs, appended, 
that there is no god but bicycle and good 



Why does not mean, " What did 
ishit?" but an examination into 
possession. There is a story about 
a physician's advice, bought a bi- 
is the shorter catechism, the reve- 
s, the latter treating of the League 
of the bicycler militant and the 
duly recorded, and words of the 
go to inculcate the new doctrine 
health is his profit. 



The Hawaiian Monthly for May is an interesting number, made par- 
ticularly so because of the accompanying chromo illustrating the how of the 
red Bunsets of some time ago. The articles are tabulated on the title page, 
but the table is incomplete because of the absence of the writers' names. 
It is probably safe to attribute the red sunset article to Sunset Smith of 
the Honolulu Press, formerly of the press of this city. When Smith was a 
reporter on the Chronicle (it was always a mystery how he ever got into that 
office, being a gentleman), he was once sent to interview Charles Webb 
Howard on the state of the weather or something, and proceeded to ask the 
customary opening question: "Mr. Howard, I have called to get your 
opinion on," etc. 

" My secretary will tell you," bellowed Mr. Howard, purple with rage, 
probably at the assumption that he had any opinion a simple reporter could 
understand. 

" Oh, excuse me," softly murmured Smithy ; " I didn't know he did your 
thinking for you." 

This story is scarcely a review of the Hawaiian Monthly, nor an expla- 
nation of Mr. Smith's soubriquet, but it goes. 



We have received a charming little illustrated poetical and prose work, 



entitled District Mining and Descriptive Map of Inyo County, California. 
The illustrations are done in straight lines and three colors, and are variously 
labeled, " Panamint," "Sherman," ''Columbus," etc., districts; but it is 
to the poetry that one turns with the greatest assurance of satisfaction. 
The verses are from the versatile pen of that gifted writer and legislator, J. 
M. Keeler. He mountB his Pegasus upon the slightest provocation, and 
always with graceful effect. Being on Mount Whitney and referring to Lone 
Pine, he does it neatly, thus : 

Over two miles nearer than me, 
The level of the deep blue sea. 

But it is when he sends forth a general invitation to visit his Inyo para- 
dise that Mr. Keeler gets right up and rushes his PegasuB over the hurdles 
of ordinary metrical difficulties, as the following Bhows : 

Come on ye hopeless, sad and weak, 

And breathe this air ; 'twill blush your cheek ; 

Come on with rod and fly and gun, 

When e'er the law permits the fun; 

Come on great mind, if you incline 

To study scenes, in fact, sublime : 

Come on for change, ye business men, 

'Twill add five years to every ten ; 

Come on with wives and daughters, too, 

'Twill make them happy, strong and true. 

What San Francisco has long been longing for waa a place of resort 
guaranteed to make her wives and daughters true, and the thanks of the city 
are due Mr. Keeler for his happy discovery. 

" Yerbum Sap " has issued an untitled pamphlet, in which are set forth 
the following facts and figures : 

According to the San Francisco Municipal Reports for the fiscal year ending June 
30, 1883, there are in this city 2.289 licensed retail liquor establishments. 

The amount received for retail liquor licenses during the fiscal year ending June 
30, 1883, was S192.082. 

The expenses of the city of San Francisco for the same year, not including interest 
and Sinking Fund, amounted to §3,557.000. 

Estimating the average receipts of retail liquor establishments at S10 per diem, 
which is probably less than the actual average, we have an aggregate of 822,890 each 
day. $160,230 each week, S686.700 every thirty days, and the enormous sum of 
S8,354,850 per annum expended at public bars in this citv for intoxicating drinks. 

The present population of this city is estimated at 280,000. The number of voters 
is about 43.000. 

We have therefore one licensed dram shop to every 122 of inhabitants and to every 
19 voters. 

"If Verbum Sap" has issued his pamphlet in the interest of female 
suffrage and the saloons, he appears to have hit it off nicely, for just see how 
many more voters to each saloon this would be if all the women over age in 
those 122 inhabitants could cast a ballot. 



Credit is the misleading name of a little book issued by Clark W. Bryan, 
which pretends to explain to the lay mind the meaning of the title word in 
its application to commerce. It is in fact a labored justification of the 
" commercial agency" business, and advocates the right of any irresponsible 
man to pry into the business affairs of a stranger for the benefit of a patron. 
For the apotheosis of gall, the following statement will probably have no 
competitors for the first prize : " When inquiry comes for information " (to 
one of the commercial agencies), "so full and complete are the records of 
the company regarding the mass of the trading community that a return 
mail usually carries back to the inquirer the desired information, which, if 
not satisfactory, is immediately made so." 

" Is immediately made so ! " Shades of Marriot, senior! "We desire 
your advertisement, and if you don't give it to us we will publish your busi- 
ness record, which, if it is satisfactorily damaging for our purpose, will be 
immediately made so." 



James Gordon Bennett is drawn, under the name and title of "Sir 
Hanley Gardiner de New York," by Belot, the well-known French novelist, 
in his volumes entitled Reine de BeauU and La Princesse Sophia. This most 
sensational work is lurid with crime and most ingenious in intrigue. Belot's 
imagination is not to be envied, and presents " Sir Hanley Gardiner de New 
York " as the proprietor of several American journals and of a little private 
cable of his own, not to speak of a yacht in which he has repeatedly crossed 
the Atlantic and other oceans too numerous to mention. Some of these ref- 
erences are delicious, and depict an American as only a profoundly ignorant 
Frenchman can. They recall Pere Hyacinthe's obituary sermon in re 
" James Garfiel." "Sir Hanley Gardiner de New York," who is pictured 
as very long-legged, figures as the most chivalrous of heroes in La Heine de 
Beaute. In the character of the disinterested protector of the heroine, whose 
father has been unjustly condemned on an accusation of murder, he not only 
exerts himself in Paris, but proceeds to New Caledonia in his yacht, and 
there connives at the persecuted father's escape. Ultimately he is regarded 
— her father's innocence being brought to light — with the heart and hand 
of the "Queen of Beauty." Belot has dreamed a dream which will amuse 
no one more than the original of " Sir Hanley Gardiner de New York." 



Major Ben Truman has issued the second edition of his illustrated 
Tourists' Guide, which, like the Major himself, grows in size and signs of 
prosperity with the passing days. The new edition, in addition to being en- 
larged upon the first, has been revised, and in various ways made more cal- 
culated to alleviate the ills of those who seek their happiness in summer 
tours in California. 



THE "SAN FRANCISCAN" TO RESUME. 



W. P. Harrison, the founder of the Daily Exchange, has purchased the 
suspended weekly San Franciscan and will resume its publication, with 
Arthur McEwen as editor. 



" Every post-office in this state will be in the hands of the Democrats 
next summer if we falter now." — A Blaine organ in Pennsylvania. 



THE WASP. 



YteWasp 



VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 1. 



WBOLE NUMBER, W. 



SATURDAY, 



JULY 5, 1884. 



PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY, AT NOS. 540 AND 843 CALIFORNIA STREET BY 

E. C. MACPARLANE & CO., 
Proprietors and PnbllBhera. 

Teems to Subscribers: 

One copy, one year, or 52 numbers $5 00 

One copy, six months, or 26 numbers 2 50 

One copy for thirteen weeks 1 25 

Postage free to all parts of the United States, Canada and British Columbia. 
To all other countries one dollar per year extra. The country trade supplied by the 
San Francisco News Company. All Postmasters are authorized to take subscrip- 
tions for the Wasp, payable invariably in advance. 

Directions to discontinue the paper should be given in writing. 

[Entered at the PostofEce at San Francisco for transmission at second-class rates.] 

Some of our readers appear to feel, and some to affect, a lively concern 
about the "politics" of this journal. It has no " politics," but is reason- 
ably rich in political convictions, some of which we think ourselves to have 
stated with sufficient perspicuity and point ; others we reserve for later ex- 
pounding. If when the Democrats shall have made their " platform " and 
their nominations, and the canvass is so far advanced as to reveal beneath 
the generalities, platitudes and clap-trap of partisan enthusiasm the real 
purpose of both parties, we have the good luck to discern a balance of 
honesty and wisdom on one side or the other we shall assist that side. But 
in doing so we shall modestly disclaim the honor of " belonging " to either ; 
the distinction of " belonging " to anything or anybody is not one that we 
covet. For the consolation of several more ambitious readers " belonging" 
to the Republican party and apparently proud of their proprietor, we may 
explain that we have not " gone over " to the Democrats. In the past few 
weeks the Republicans, having first uttered their defiance and set their 
chiefs in the forefront, have been affected with the greater enthusiasm, have 
punished their gongs with the sturdier earnestness — have emitted altogether 
more noise, nonsense and unrighteousness than their opponents. As this 
paper exists partly, of course, to save the country, but mainly to make it an 
uncomfortable residence for rogues and fools, we have naturally given rather 
more space to considering the early Republican, how he grows, than to watch-. 
ing the late-sown Democrat, who as yet cometh not up as a flower. He will 
push himself up and burst into bloom next week, and we promise ourselves 
rare pleasure in repressing his luxuriance by nipping his shoots and moisten- 
ing his bulb with nitric acid's tranquilizing flow. 

From present appearances we j udge that the country is pretty evenly 
divided by the party line — that the vote will be close. Among the doubtful 
states is California, and it may easily occur that her preference will deter- 
mine the result. This gives the contest an interest and importance gratify- 
ing to every one who sees in it an opportunity to make his influence felt as 
it may never be felt again. We share this vanity and mean to make the 
most of the opportunity — not, it is needless though satisfactory to explain, 
by the senseless and ineffective method of a reasonless advocacy, but by 
such rational apportionment of praise and blame as the facts may warrant 
and the purpose demand. Nor are we insensible to the advantages that we 
hold in our cartoons. In so far as we have the good fortune to wield this 
new power in American politics we propose to make it sharply felt ; and in 
the conduct of this paper we have given and received abundant evidence 
that we can do so — and you are respectfully admonished not to let the fact 
elude the vigilance of your recollection. 

It is endlessly interesting to observe how closely the strife of armed 
men is paralleled in the antagonism of political parties in this country. 
Most notable is this in the terminology of partisan contention : the whole 
literature of politics is besprinkled with terms of purely military origin — 
bits of speech that all once had character as lively metaphor, but have by 
constant use nearly, in many cases wholly, sunk their old suggestions and 
acquired new meanings. The canvass is called a ' ' campaign, " the candidate 
a " leader " or "standard-bearer." Success is invariably called " victory " 
and failure " defeat. " It is needless to multiply examples ; every stump 
speaker supplies one whenever he opens his mouth, every partisan editor 
whenever he shoves his pen. Cut the war words out of a political discourse 
and the remainder would be hardly intelligible and wholly spiritless. As 
with words, so with actions. Every political club has a military organiza- 
tion, commonly a military name. Most frequently it is uniformed, always 
it marches and has " banners." At political meetings martial music is your 
only play; every " soul-stirring " air, from La Marseillaise to The Tumble- 



bug's March, is brass-banded into our ears till we sicken of the sense of hear 
ing. A showing of numbers takes the form of a procession that is a march 
with a marshal and aides and all the military paraphernalia except weap 
ons. Nearly every event esteemed by either party important is signalized 
by discharges of cannon. All is military. It is obvious on the briefest re- 
flection that there is nothing in a choice of men to perform public functions 
that is at all analagous in purpose to the fighting of battles— why should 
it be analagous in method 1 Why should the kind of strife which consists in 
convincing and persuading suggest at all points a struggle to the death with 
weapons ? Party politics is evidently the survival, in a softened and modi- 
fied form, of tribal animosities ; a political canvass is a war of succession 
bereft of its bitterness. Instead of cutting off the heads that hold opposing 
views, the dominant faction, no longer tribal in character, is satisfied with 
demonstrating its power to do so if it chose— a necessity that is spared it by 
submission of the minority. An election is the counting of noses— a show- 
ing of hands. It could as easily be made without military methods, but the 
menace that it carries would be less impressive. Nevertheless, we are en- 
couraged to hope that with the advent of civilization the brass band will be 
dropped out of the proceedings. 

We have studiously refrained from mention in these columns of the no- 
torious Mrs. Langtry. We had hoped the necessity would not arise ; that 
is to say, we had hoped she would not excite among " our best people 
that degree of interest which, according to the habit and traditions of 
this paper, is a call to comment. The result has been otherwise. As in the 
instance of the equally notorious Patti, " our best people " have had the in- 
sufferable vulgarity to patronize her show, and the hoodlum element to mob 
her in the streets — some to get a free look at the face made famous by the 
lipping of a royal lecher, others to visit upon her that species of barbarous 
justice that " offense's gilded hand " cannot " shove by." As an actress she 
is, of course, not worth considering — though we believe the theater reporters 
(our own,' probably, excepted ; we do not know) have discussed her with 
grave approval in their characterless, tendinous and sapless immemorial 
way. It is not as an actress that she shows ; her acting is simply an excuse 
to exhibit for money the "favorite" of the Prince of Wales, only slightly 
damaged by contact with Freddie Gebhardt, and nearly as good as new. 
The man who does not know this knows nothing. The man who, knowing 
it, permits his wife, sister or daughter to swell the train of her gaping, sex- 
conscious admirers is an unthinkable blackguard whom nature made a man 
only because if it had made him a sow it would have had to create a special 
kind of mud, impossibly nasty, for him to lead his squeaky litter to and 
teach them to wallow in. For the women who go to glut their eyes on this 
creature we have nothing but compassion. We sympathize with them in 
the penury of their charms and opportunities, the plebeian station of their 
lovers, the niggard notoriety of their names. Let them console themselves, 
however, with the reflection that the Langtry woman's better fortune in 
these particulars is no more than they have richly deserved. After Patti, 
Langtry : after Langtry — what 1 If there is to be a deeper degradation of 
the stage the hint for it must be found in Apuleius's famous legend of 
"The Golden Ass." 



There is ground to hope that the monotony of the presidential canvass 
may be broken by the diversion of cholera. The disease is now fashionable 
in north-western France, particularly in Marseilles, whence ships are daily 
departing for New York. The danger of contagion at the latter port is 
notably increased by a strict quarantine — quarantine officers being peculiarly 
susceptible to epidemics and none of them, so far, having manifested a dis- 
position to sacrifice themselves to the public safety by resigning. In the 
latitude of New York the green-apple pie season will soon be in full flower, 
it is lemonade time already and the mental dejection that marks a struggle 
for the presidency supplies a condition singularly favorable to the popular 
dissemination of the cholera germ ; spiritual depression has a fascinating at- 
traction for epidemics — they love an environment that is restful. Cholera 
will pretty surely effect a lodgment in the metropolis in time pro- 
foundly to influence the November elections all along the Atlantic 
sea-board. Such being the situation, the movements of our illustrious 
townsman, Dr. O'Donnell, are seen to merit the closest attention. This 
gentleman is about to start East with a car-load of lepers in an ad- 
vanced stage of distastef ulness. He holds that every Chinaman contains 
within himself the promise and potency of leprosy, and that the leprous 
diathesis is as contagious as love. By exposing Eastern voters to the actual 
disease he hopes, not unnaturally, to strengthen a bill now pending in Con- 
gress, entitled " An Act to amend an Act entitled an Act to Cinch the 
Chinese." A leprosy patient has commonly a contented mind : he doesn't 
want any other disease. • If Dr. O'Donnell can infect the Atlantic states 
with leprosy the cholera will go back to Marseilles. If he fail, the latter 
disease will recuperate a while in Eastern cities and then push Westward 
along the line of the overland road. And if it ever reach this filthiest of all 
conceivable towns there will be music, believe us. 



THE WASP. 



THE PERVERTED VILLAGE, 



AFTER GOLDSMITH. 



Sweet Auburn ! liveliest village of the plain, 
Where health and slander welcome every trail), 
Whence smiling innocence, its visit paid, 
Retires in terror, wounded and dismayed — 
Dear lovely bowers of gossip and disease, 
Whose climate cures us that thy dames may tease ; 
How often have I knelt upon thy green 
And prayed for death, to mitigate their spleen ; 
How often have I paused on every charm 
With mingled admiration and alarm — 
The brook that runs by many a scandal-mill, 
The church whose pastor groans upon the grill, 
The cowthorn bush with seats beneath the shade, 
Where hearts are struck and reputations flayed ; 
How oft I've wished thine idle wives, some day, 
Might more at whist, less at the devil play. 
* * * # 

O blest retirement ! ere my life's decline 
(Killed by detraction) may I witness thine. 
How blest is she who, shunning shades like these, 
Finds in a wolf-den greater peace and ease ; 
Who quits the place whence truth did earlier fly, 
And rather than come back prefers to die. 
For her no jealous maids renounce their sleep, 
Contriving malices to make her weep ; 
No iron-faced dames her character debate 
And spurn imploring mercy from the gate ; 
But down she lies to a more peaceful end, 
For wolves do not calumniate but reud — 
Sinks piecemeal to their maws, a willing prey, 
While resignation lubricates the way, 
And all her prospects brighten at the last : 
To wolves, not women, an approved repast. 
Auburn, June 29, I8S4. 



PRATTLE. 



The editorial columns of the Argonaut were uncommonly amusing last 
Saturday. The considerable portion devoted to that singularly fresh topic, 
the Republican national convention, was as full of entertainment as a nut 
is of oil. It — the convention — was a "grand occasion" — "no grander 
Bight was ever witnessed." The delegates — alternates included — were 
" clothed with majesty and dignity " ; " no more solemn duty ever devolved 
upon intelligent men." Even the audience was " clothed in the majesty of 
the popular will.'' Of course all this means that Mr. Frank Pixley was 
there and the "occasion" was made "grand" and the rest of it by its con- 
secration with the holy oil of his personality. Frank attends all Repub- 
lican conventions and each is a trifle grander than its predecessor, because 
he is a trifle older, and therefore a trifle vainer and unwiser, than he was 
before. 



It is clear that this thing cannot go on ; either Mr. Pixley will have to 
stop attending conventions or stop describing them, for the language is not 
keeping pace with the facts. The rapid progress in his power of radiating 
grandeur upon his environment is a phenomenon of cosmic interest and im- 
portance, but his forays across the border of temperate speech are rewarded 
with no profitable spoil : his vocabulary of enthusiasm is copious and obedi- 
ent, but not progressive. How is he adequately to set forth the immatch- 
able, measureless and unthinkable sublimity of the convention that he will 
attend in 1920 ? 



Mr. Pixley's description has the advantage — among other advantages — 
of "nailing" a Democratic lie. A Jeffersonian journal, mentioning with 
obvious disapproval the enthusiasm evoked at Chicago by Mr. Blaine's nomi- 
nation, avers that " the entire assemblage acted like a war-dance of naked 
savages." No, not naked ones : Mr. Pixley, as above noted, is careful to 
point out the fact that the delegates were "clothed with majesty and dig- 
nity" and the audience "in the majesty of the popular will." They all 
wore something. 



" Our esteemed contemporary " is not himself clothed with as much dig- 
nity as majesty : the thought of Mr. E. L. Godkin, editor of the Nation, 
and in point of ability the foremost journalist of America, makes him hop 
and shriek. Mr. Godkin has the bad luck to disapprove of Mr. Blaine's 
candidacy; wherefore, with the nimble resentment of a conscious vulgarity 
acutely sensible t;o the dominance of a personality greater, calmer, cleaner 
than itself, Mr. Pixley passionately calls him an "idiot" and "black- 
guard," "vulgar," "indecent" and " scurrilous," irritably accuses him of 
being " an Englishman," arid wants somebody to kick him off the Brooklyn 



bridge — upon which, it is to be presumed, Mr. Godkin is thoughtfully to 
place himself for the purpose. I am sorry to deprive Mr. Pixley and his 
coarse crew of their favorite argument, but Mr. Godkin is not an English- 
man ; he is an Irishman. The right of the Irish to a voice (and a shillelah) 
in American politics it is now too late to question. 



11 A dastardly attempt to ruin me, by an organized pool of political oppo- 
nents" — that is the way Mr. Sharon is now explaining the Hill-NeilBon liti- 
gation. This is the first intimation that Mr. Sharon regarded himself as 3till 
in " the political arena" and a candidate for the presidency. Push him a 
little harder, sweet Althea, and he will imagine himself the Virgin Mary mak- 
ing the flight into Egypt on the back of a boiled lobster, with a squadron 
of mock-turtles in fervid pursuit. 



Truckee in a touching way 

Honored Independence Day ; 

Sheep and oxen, roasted whole, 

Fired the patriotic soul. 

Men who starved at Valley Forge, 
Pray forgive, in looking down 
On the men of Truckee town, 

If to honor you they gorge 

By the present still the past 
Is piously regarded — 

Throat of each enthusiast 
Liberally larded. 

Thus Excess or Abnegation 

Sets the seal of approbation. 

We've no stomach for the battle, 
But a venturesome digestion, 
And will bravely march — no question- 
On a field of fatted cattle. 

The sword we draw not from the sheath, 

But, God in Heaven ! observe our teeth I 



The President has been asked to order the proceedings against General 
Swaim discontinued because that officer is suffering from insomnia and nerv- 
ous prostration. This would appear to be an admirable opportunity for the 
intervention of General Swaim's family physician. 



But for the invention of the magnetic telegraph we should have ha 
to wait an entire week after the arrival at New York of General Wallace 
our Minister to Constantinople, to learn that he considers Turkish women 
more beautiful than other observers have thought them. 



The handsomest man in London, 'tis said, 
Has blown the brains from his beautiful head. 
handsome men here, 'tis your turn ; pray begin 
To prepare for the act by blowing some in. 



Good Dr. Bartlett of the Bulletin has an editorial article in that excel- 
lent journal, entitled "Fools Who Make the World Wise." The good doc- 
tor defends them, evidently impressed with the conviction that he is one of 
them. Barring his effect upon the world, he is. 



Twice weekly heaven's high canopy's illumed- 
A hundred churches yearly are consumed. 
How strange that buildings reared to fight the 
The devil should select to play his games in. 
Father of Fire, put out your torch, or surely 
You'll roast some congregation — prematurely. 



The Chronicle continues its immemorial custom of heading its theater 
reports " Footlight Flashes." Neighbor, this is idiotic — footlights do not 
flash. 



This Chronicle, by-the-by, is variously an ass. It employs some gifted 
simpleton to write a full column of literary editorial for each Sunday's issue. 
The kind of stuff that this magnificent idiot produces may rightly enough be 
called literary tape-worm. In last Sunday's paper the poor wretch follows 
Swinburne through a morass of " criticism " on Byron and Pope; both of 
these great poets being rated below such names as Shelley, Wordsworth, 
Crabbe, Scott, Keats, Coleridge and, by implication, Campbell, Rogers 
('Rogers !) and — my ! — Southey ! Of course there is no law against this 
kind of critical estimate, and doubtless liberty of speech has advantages 
that partly compensate for devastation of common sense ; but upon the 
whole I cannot help thinking that if I were dictator the activities of Swin- 
burne would be confined to verse and those of his San Francisco disciple to 
a cell in the penitentiary. 



6 



THE WASP. 



MIDNIGHT MUSINGS, 



bull-dog sweet ! dog with glowing eye ! 
Don't smile upon me so sarcastically. 

Don't notice me, but coolly pass me by ; 
Allow me boorishly from hence to sally. 

My form and face would not so much entrance 

Your worthy master, if he knew me here. 
How strange is life ! You'd rob me of my pants ; 

I would his plate purloin, but can't I fear. 

The midnight moon its dreamy course doth run, 
The chilling wind soothes not my melancholy ; 

Is there no means of exit ? No, not one, 
To jump would surely be the height of folly. 

My little sack is filled with goodly store — 

A solid service, and a soup-tureen ; 
These vanities which I bo fondly bore 

From out the breakfast-room with mind serene. 

No need for jimmy now, nor felted shoe ; 
No need for knife-blade slim to ope the shutter. 

1 curse the nimble dog, and all his crew — 
A cop, by Jove ! my heart is in a flutter. 

" Good morning, Sergeant James ! What gone so fast ; 
The owner of the grocery has risen ? " 
An hour is gone — the whistle sounds at last ; 
Ten mortal men to take one thief to prison. 
San Quentin, July, 1884. Cbibcracker. 



CUES, 

He : Ha ! 'Tis she ! me long lost wife ! While there is breath in this 
feeble frame will I recognize that voice. 

She : Aye ! And while there is voice in thy feeble frame will I recog- 
nize that breath ! 

Hamlet : Ha ! A rat ! A rat behind the arras ! 
Polonius (aside) ; A second ara (s) rat, as it were ! 

Impassioned Actor : I go hence, bat I'll return anon ! (Stands in the 
wing.) 

Irate Manager : Well, go hence, and don't stand there with your legs 
in sight. 

Actress (to supe, who represents inhuman Jailor) : Nay, nay ! I be- 
seech you, do not leave me thus ! 

Supe (who has been berated by manager for not walking properly) : Can't 
help it, ma'am ; them's the orders. 

Gladiatorial Star in rags (as the Outcast Brother) to consumptive 
supe in broadcloth : Berrother, look at me ! Wreck that I am, I was once 
fair and strong and stalwart, like you ! 

Supe (to whom irony is apparent) : Oh, g'long ! 

" How are you ? " said the Dentist, as the Tailor entered his office. 
" Oh, I'm sew, sew ! " replied the Tailor. " You look down in the mouth 
this morning ! " " Yes, and you don't seam well, Button the Hole I 
gussets nothing unusual," rejoined the Dentist. "I'm going to make 
a-mends for past overwork and cutaway from business. Let's go and extract 
a cork without pain." Then they went out and the furniture took it up. 

" How do you do 1 " said the Walking Cane to the Umbrella. " Oh, I'm 
generally used up ! I'm always under the weather. How are you? " " I'm 
getting a-head," replied the Cane. "And I'm full of spirits," spoke up the 
Decanter on the Sideboard. 

"I'm suffering from an attack of mal-aria," said the Piano ; "all this 
don't symphony to me. " And I'm ready to expire," said the Fire ; "then 
I'd better wind up your affairs," replied the Bellows, at which a deep silence 
fell upon them all. Sheldon Borden. 

QUIPS, 



To an old fogy like myself, who was brought up with the Alta under 
the McCrellish reign, and swallowed its grandmotherly utterances with the 
respect one accords to the strange doses administered by the maternal hand 
in spring time, it produces the oddest imaginable effect to take up the paper 
nowadays, or to read its bulletin-board. It is like parting with a stiff and 
sober-sided girl on your departure for India and coming back to find her 
putting on all the fie-fie airs of a giddy thing. There is a deadly resolution 
to be "live " about it that commands all a reader's sympathies. 

Behind me at the Tivoli a lady inquired importunately of her husband 
why "Bertram" in Robert le Diable, was so anxious to ruin the soul of 
" Robert," since the latter was his own son. 
" He knows his sire and wants to be sure of his damn," was the reply. 

I found a bright epigram written at the time of the yellow fever epi- 
demic at Memphis. An amateur concert was given here for the benefit of 
the afflicted Tennesseeans. One among the audience wrote : 
" Cause and effect did never yet 

So far apart appear ; ' ■ 

The yellow fever's at the South, 
The sufferers are here." 

In the name of thejprophet Figs ! Big ones, luscious ones, black ones, 
melting ones. A mantis* allowed to go into semi-annual raptures about 
whortle-berries and milk, his mother's pumpkin pie3 and other outrages too 
numerous to mention. I sing the fresh fig with his tangle of flesh-red seeds 
and his gently resisting periphery. Every refined stomach is a stomach of 



caprices ; there will be hours when eating is in order when scrambled eggs, 
patties and cold meats are an abomination, when the stomach calls for food 
but the palate vetoes every bill brought by the menu. Then steps in the fig, 
gentle but firm, satisfying to both fact and fancy. Have him Bkinned, cut 
into pieces about as big as your thumb, laid, not too much of him, in a cut 
glass or thin china bowl, dust him with sugar and drown him with cream. 
Nectar and ambrosia ! 

But perhaps you don't like figs. 

We are told that everything in life has its reasons for existence. The 
existence for the Sutter-street railroad and its branches has been a puzzle, 
since it does not manifestly run for the accommodation of the public. Does 
an unfortunate wiBh to catch the Oakland boat, he waits on a corner in 
placid expectancy, bag in hand and hails his car. To his dismay it shoots 
by him, ignoring his signal. He runs, puffs, blows, then shouts, then whis- 
tles ; the conductor waves him a jeering good-bye and his car disappears into 
the haze that hangs over the city. A guileless stranger, to whom the mys- 
teries of alternate red cars and yellow cars is unknown, gives his transfer 
at the junction and finds himself going up Pacific street, blocks away from 
his destination, the Union-street line, perhaps ; he inquires of the conduc- 
tor, asks for a transfer to the red car, gets red and confused — the conductor 
revelling in his discomfiture, and the other passengers congratulating them- 
selves that they know the proper caper after long and painful apprentice- 
ship — and finally learns that he must either walk the rest of the way or else 
pay over again for a ride of three blocks to which his transfer had entitled 
him if he had known by plenary inspiration which car to take. Of course 
every body in Anaheim knows by plenary inspiration that the red cars go to 
Union street and the yellow ones along Pacific. The Larkin-street branch 
announces itself without circumlocution : " Half a block to walk for any one 
who wants to ride on this car." It stops in the middle of the block and 
starts from the middle of the block, and on a rainy day the journey through 
mud and over cobbles becomes quite exciting — an adventure on a small 
scale. This then is the object in life of the Sutter-street road : to develop 
pedestrianism in the indolent San Franciscan. When all our youths shall 
have become O'Learys and all our maidens Bertha von Hillerns, the com- 
pany may point to them with pride and dissolve, saying : "This is our work ! " 

At a performance of Monte Grkto last week, when the hero signified 
that two of his enemies were disposed of, by holding up two fingers, the 
suggestion was too much for a gallery boy who instantly whiBtled Grimes's 
little tune that accompanies the same gesture in the Buneh of Keys. 

Phil. 



CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS. 



A small St. Louis newspaper has emulated Barnum and Forepaugh by 
securing a magnificent white elephant. The sacred animal has been chris- 
tened Thomas Francis Bayard. — N. Y. Star. 



Committee of Greenbackers to Ben Butler : Will you take a presi- 
dential nomination this morning ? 

Butler: Well, I should smile. 

Committee : We have all agreed that you are the only man in the coun- 
try who can beat Blaine, and the Democrats must nominate you to retain 
the Irish vote. 

Butler (with brogue) : Well, be hevins, I belave you're right. I'm a 
smart little bit uv a mon, if I say so meself who shouldn't. If they put 
George Willum Coort-us on the ticket wid me, I belave, be hevins, we'd 
shweep the country. Will you take somethin' ? 

The committee take what bric-a-brac they can lay their hands on and 
depart. — St. Louis Morning Call. 



The struggle's o'er and I am left, 

My honors fade apace ; 
The sceptre falls from out my hand — 

I am not in the race. 

Let Glory's sons the battles wage, 

My star sinks in the sea ; 
But, God be thanked, my wardrobe fine 

It still is left to me. 



-Chester A. Arthur. 



The Republicans have a rubber platform. — Boston Globe. 
Because it is a good one to get bounced on 1 — Lowell Times. 



" Smalley, misrepresenter-in-chief of Irish affairs," is the way in which a 
writer in the New York Truth refers to the English correspondent of the 
Tribune. 



Blaine in office 
Writing book 
Politics and sich 
All shook. 
Man comes in, 
Very thin, 
Out of office 
By his look. 
' Jim, they want you, 
Hook or crook, 
Will elect you, 
Drop the book." 
Blow and bluster 
Make Blaine look 
Very certain, 
Book is shook. 



— Washington Capital. 

Senator Edmunds' telegram of congratulation has not yet reached 
Blaine. It is believed to have frozen on the wires. — Exchange. 

Oh, yes ! the Republican opponents of Blaine are all dudes, and saints, 
and feeble-minded persons, and all that sort of thing ! That is all settled- 
yes, of course. — N. Y. Star. 



THE WASP. 



A WOMAN'S JOURNAL 



XLTX. 

Thursday, '20th. 

It flatters our vanity to think that we get an inside view of our friends' 
affairs due to our own perspicacity and diametrically different from the view 
they themselves take and leading to conclusions of proportionate variation 
from theirs. I think I have such a view cf Minnie Maverick's woes, which 
she confided to me to-day over a pound of maple sugar, between two ballads. 
Minnie is a beauty. A big, rosy girl of eighteen, just out of school. She 
chums with her father, whom she calls papa, with the accent on the first 
syllable, a V Americaine. Being a debutante, her father is still the first of 
men to her, aud she is the sort of girl that must have one man to please and 
succeed in pleasing him, rather than the sort that aims to please all men — 
fortunately for the future Mr. Minnie, whoever he may be. 

I am very fond of the friendship of fathers and daughters — it has a 
sturdy charm about it as attractive, if less poetical, than the more vaunted 
love of mother and son. The protection comes more logically from the 
older and wiser, and the revelation of the masculine point of view is sanc- 
tified to the youthful neophyte by her natural respect. Minnie's most 
notable accomplishment is the cultivation of her pretty voice. She sings de- 
lightfully. It was, as I remarked, between two ballads that she told me her 
sorrows. 

" Papa,'' she burst forth, " is the least independent man I ever saw. He 
has no will or judgment of his own. He never knows what he thinks until 
Bomebody has told him what he ought to think. Either he doesn't know 
enough or he has not strength of character enough to form an opinion of his 
own on any subject." This is not at all Mr. Maverick's reputation among 
those outside of his family circle, so I could not help smiling as I asked this 
nearer observer of his mental processes to give an example. " Well, about 
my singing/' said the pouting plaintiff; "I buy a soDg just for him and 
practice it as hard as I can, and when I sing it for him my very best he never 
says anything but ' H'm, very pretty ; what's it all about ? ' And then the 
next evening he brings some old idiot to dinner and makes me sing the song 
for him, or else tells me to take it with me when we are invited to some 
ridiculous tea-party, and then, when he finds out other people like it and 
like my singing of it he tells me, with the greatest enthusiasm, what a pretty 
song it is and how well it suits my voice, and calls for it for a week after- 
wards as his favorite." 

Now, while I did not doubt Minnie's story in the least, her interpreta- 
tion of it and her consequent feeling of pique against her father had for me 
a little element of pathos beyond the ken of the eighteen-year-old under- 
standing. Men of strong affections are generally men of strODg minds, not 
always brilliant, but of good, robust brain fibre, capable of seeing how likely 
their feelings are to cloud their judgment when it is a question of the 
achievements of the one they love. I fancied Mr. Maverick saying to him- 
self, ' ' This girl of mine is perfection to me. She is so dear to me that 
everything she does is in my eyes better done than any one else could do it, 
and consequently more satisfactory to me. But every father feels the same 
toward his daughter. I am simply incapacitated by my affection from judg- 
ing of the intrinsic merit of her performance. I will get Smith, who is a 
musician, and not a flatterer, to hear her sing, and if he pronounces in her 
favor I shall know that she does well by artistic standards besides being in- 
expressibly dear to me. I will get her to sing the song to a roomful of in- 
discriminate people, who are not likely to concur in a civil hypocrisy to 
make me happy, and if they applaud I can praise her to my friends as much 
as I wish without passing for a doting old fool, still harping on his daughter." 
With this soliloquy I credited Mr. Maverick and many another man who 
seeks the world's applause for his idol before he commits himself, but I did 
not explain it to Minnie, for if a girl begins to interpret all men's little 
eccentricities as more or less involved evidence of their love she will get left. 
I preserved her misconception of her father's appeal to the people as a 
wholesome check upon her own vanity and as conducive to a desirable dis- 
cipline of her father in her future relations with him. 

Friday, June 27th. 
Is this Mrs. Langtry, excessivement bdle, 
Who raises particular, general— well, 
Is this Mrs. Langtry 
To see whom the gang try ; 
Upon my word Langtry 
You're awfully swell. 

I have heard people express surprise that Mrs. Langtry is more the 
ladies' candidate than the men's. It is another illustration of the comical 
ardor with which all women make common cause with each other. Mrs. 
Langtry makes her success through her personality, the outward and visible 
graces of the received standard of womanhood, and every woman in the 
audience has a secret feeling of partnership — a sort of " Hurrah-for-our- 
side " sympathy with her. And very strangely, while it is women who have 
the credit of doing the hounding of the tripping ones from society, they 
certainly feel less severely toward one unknown, whose name has been the 
sport of many tongues, than men do. Men will wrestle to defend asuspecte 
till it pours down like rain, but let her once pass some mysterious limit of 
probability and become notorious, and in general society they will hear of 
her coldly and speak of her with guarded indifference. 



In two or three novels, and Bulwer is not exempt, there occur scenes 
and dialogues where the great person of the story is badly driven into the 
corner and can only save himself by some intensely witty or withering re- 
joinder from appearing to have much the worst of the situation, and on these 
occasions when anticipation stands on tip-toe for something as bitter as 
-Juvenal and worldly-wise as La Rochefoucald, the author, deliberately 
takes sanctuary in some such base subterfuge as this : " Guy Darrell replied 
with such withering sarcasm that his teasing opponent was silent with morti- 
fication for the rest of the evening ; " or, "I do not know what I replied. 
It was brilliant and bitter and daring. I left the room only hearing the 
applause and laughter my sally had evoked ; " or, (( For sole answer Bertie 



of Clarencieux flung at the parvenu one of those stinging epigrams that brand 
for life with the sobriquet they contain or suggest." 

When I am worth billions I shall retire to a palace on the Bosphorus 
where many strange things will occur. My immediate circle will consist of 
two men. Taking hands they could make a circle of which I shall be the 
center. One of them, Jones, will be an impoverished Englishman of good 
family, executive ability and a melancholy and taciturn disposition, perhaps 
even a secret sorrow to keep him thoroughly subdued, a good voice for read- 
ing aloud and a handsome exterior. The other semi-circumference will be a 
Jesuit priest of the kind one reads about in romance, brilliant, intuitive, 
versed in all worldliness and wisdom, in polished guile, in elevating noble- 
ness, in the values of sincerity and the educated use of insincerity, high- 
bred, large-minded, surprised at nothing, experienced in everything, a know- 
ing saint, a godly worldling. Him shall I secure in perpetuum from his 
superiors and he Bhall solve me all social and intellectual problems. Every 
evening, after dinner, when Jones, the Jesuit, and I recline on high 
divans, like gods careless of mankind, and the boon air is languid with syroso- 
phones, I shall remark, "Father Ambrose Gregory Benedict Hilarion Get- 
reide Kummel de Chartreuse, give me an illustration of a sarcasm so wither- 
ing that a teasing opponent would be silenced by it for the rest of the even- 
ing ; and again, reverend father, of a sally brilliant, bitter and daring enough 
to evoke the laughter and applause of a roomful ; or invent about Jones one 
of those stinging epigrams that brand for life with the sobriquet they con- 
tain or suggest." And forever shall the father invent witticisms of surpass- 
ing piquancy together with infallible rules how to mortify an enemy so that 
he or she alone shall be aware of the stab ; how to repay the kindness of a 
friend without a brutal suggestion of barter ; how to treat acquaintances so 
as to keep them only acquaintances and yet kindly disposed forever ; how 
to be revenged summarily in large matters ; when forbearance is better for 
the character and when an outburst of rage or remonstrance. All my read- 
ing should be discussed by him in the large light of his enormous experience 
and scholarship. My retreat on the BoBphorus will be quite the Tusculan 
article. 

Sunday, 29th. 
To A. B. E. .- 

You sent me a crank 

And I'll make you repent it. 

You see I am frank, 

You sent me a crank — 

If 't was meant for a prank 

Still I deeply resent it, 

You sent me a crank 

And I'll make you repent it. 

You laughed in your sleeve, 

For the girl was a poet 

I truly believe 

You laughed in your sleeve 

At your easy reprieve, 

What she said went to show it — 

You laughed in your sleeve, 

For the girl was a poet. 

Monday, SOth. 

I talked with a man who had once been on the stage. He left it out of 
pure disgust at its Bohemianism, its irresponsibility, its laxity, and yet it 
was there that he achieved a modest reputation ; he rebelled against the 
atmosphere, but the career and the applause were dear to him. A man 
who lives up to a renunciation which yet imbues him with a life-long 
regret, has the fascination of an endless puzzle ; you find yourself con- 
tinually going over the circumstances of his life for him and weighing 
and balancing and deciding one way and another the definitive move 
that made him just what he is. True happiness does not exist, saith the 
philosopher, but there are some excellent imitations, saith the man of expe- 
rience. Is the best imitation an approving "better self " accompanied by 
an unsatisfied longing, or a satisfied ambition and imagination accompanied 
by the constant remonstrance of the better self 1 

So much for the realm of thought ; what the ex-actor and I talked 
about was the way women on the stage paint their faces. I have observed 
that many actresses who come to San Francisco from New York, Paris and 
London, have too much red on their foreheads, eyes and temples, and too 
much white on their noses. Their eyes look as if they had made acquaint- 
ance with the heavenly powers in the manner suggested by Goethe — lying 
awake all night crying, and their noses, especially from a full front view, 
look as if they had supplemented nature with a piece of dough. Aime'e 
reddens her temples distressfully and Mrs. Langtry's beautiful forehead 
looks as if a bee had stung her newly. My ex-actor told me the cause. 
In all the large theatres of London and Paris floods of light are poured upon 
the stage from above and from the wings, and the faoes require more palpa- 
ble making up than in the San Francisco theaters where most of the glare is 
from the footlights. Somebody should tell the new arrivals of this peculi- 
arity of our stages. 

Tuesday, July 1st. 

Wishing to be to the fore with a campaign story, I observed that just 
after the war when the question of the position of the negro was hotly de- 
bated, General Logan maintained that the whites and the negroes should 
be permitted to marry in order thoroughly to amalgamate the races. A 
bitter opponent remarked that if General Logan could get a respectable 
white woman to marry him, no obstacles should be put in the way. " Very 
good antique," said Robert, " but Hannibal Hamlin was the man." 

Jael Dence. 



Secretary of a certain railroad, entering the President's office with a 
newspaper in his hand : " Here is an article asking if our road can meet its 
interest! Did you ever?" <( Never ! That editor ought to be hanged." 
" Shall I begin a libel suit?" "Yes— yes — at once! That is, wait a few 
days. I'll see the Treasurer, and if we can borrow the money to pay the 
interest we'll make the infernal newspaper sweat." And if we can't bor- 
row ? " " Oh, ah ! Yes, we may be short. I guess, upon the whole, we'd 
better ignore the article ; also, the newspaper ; also, all the people con- 
nected with it. Nothing so hurts a newspaper as to ignore its existence." 



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THE WASP. 



THE FELLOW THAT SNORES 



We will sing of the man that is knuwn in the land — 

Yes, noted in nations and climes ; 
Tho' his name is not great, or paraded in state, 

Or gilded by laureate's rhymes ; 
Yet we bow to its powers as we think of the hours 

That memory often restores ; 
When we grumbled all night in an ill-humored plight 

Because of the fellow that snores. 

We have listened to rats, or the voice of the cats, 

And the baying of cats at the moon ; 
The sound of the rain on the loose window pane, -' 

Or the mule as he plays his bassoon. 
Of the babies that cry when the colic is nigh, 

Of the man with the toothache who roars ; 
But they cannot compete with the nuisance complete 

Of the fellow beside you that snores. 

He snorjs when the shade of twilight pervades, 

Or the midnight is solemn and glum ; 
When the morning isnearandthe stars disappear — 

When the noontide siesta hath cume. 
He snores on his back till his visage is black, 

On his side, on his breast, till he bores 
All the people in town for blocks all around, 

Till they curse at the fellow who snores. 

O shall we be blest with that beautiful rest 

That the deaf may possess and enjoy; 
Or the silence complete 'mid the wrecks of a fleet 

Where the diver his time doth employ? 
Or the stillness on high as we sail thro' the sky 

In balloons above oceans and shores ? — 
Oh the desert is bliss, tho' the simoons may kiss, 

H away from the fellow that snores. 



-The Chid. 



THE SINFUL LAW, 



An old lawyer whose son was to plead for his first client the next day 
was very anxious about it. 

" Are you sure that when the time comes you will not be embarrassed ? " 
he asked ; " that you will not lose the thread of your ideas ? " 

" You can be at ease about it," his son replied; "I have it all at my 
fingers' ends. I will let you judge now. Listen to me for a few minutes. 
We will suppose that I am already at the bar. Ahem ! Yes, gentlemen, 
yes ; burglaryby night — theft, followed by assassination ! It is all true ; we 
confess to it. But you will not punish a man who has been simply the dupe 
of his excessive timidity. He was unhappy — he suffered — he was hungry ; 
misery, that unscrupulous counselor, whispered to him : 'You must steal. ' 
He waited for night — for darkness — to hide the blush of shame which his 
proceeding would bring to his face. He arrived before a locked door. Why 
was it locked ? I will not seek for the cause, but I am obliged to insist that 
this was proof of defiance given by that proprietor toward the government 
which expends millions for police to protect property. But he was no dis- 
turber of the peace. Not wishing to draw attention to himself, he merely 
opened a door which a blameworthy distrust had locked. We behold him 
entering the dining-room. What will he steal there 1 Some one responds 
" the silver. " No, that starving man is not hungry for knives and forks ; 
it is bread that he wants ; it is on account of a simple loaf of bread that we 
are asked to cast stones at him. I know what is coming. If he wanted 
bread why did he search the safe, you ask me ? When one enters a house 
for the first time, is it not natural to be ignorant where it is customary to 
keep the bread ? No, he was prevented by the arrival of the proprietor. 
The theft did not exist. Then why ihat accusation of robbery ? The pro- 
prietor fell upon him without explanation, but with a great outcry — with the 
yery nocturnal noise which my client had been so cautious not to make. It 
is b.ere, gentlemen, that I call your attention to the culpable thoughtlessness 
of the legislator who made theft punishable by law. Let us for an instant 
suppo3e the Code silent in regard to this. Then my client would say to the 
other : ' I have no money ! I have taken a loaf of bread, but I am going 
to give you my note.' 

' ' But with the actual state of our laws, Gustave immediately thought of 
the punishment that awaited him. His natural timidity made a monster of 
the police, the judges, of public opinion, etc., etc. 

" And he strangled the gentleman. 

" When I say 'he strangled' — I state what you claim to be true; but 
are you more certain, more convinced than the man who is the sole surviv- 
ing witness of that drama ? And he offers to give you his word that he did 
not. That dead gentleman's business affairs were involved ; he could not 
balance his accounts ; he was in that situation where he must at once choose 
between disgrace or suicide. 

" I will be just to him ; he was a man of honor ! 

" Who can say, then, that twenty seconds before his meeting with Gus- 
tave, that miserable man, had not — to avoid his shame — swallowed one of 
those poisons unknown to science which is all astray about the effects pro- 
duced 1 Then the accusation of assassination falls of itself. Such uncer- 
tainty forbids you to pass sentence of death against my client ! Return my 
poor man to that family he was about to enter by marriage — for, know that 
he had been eight days engaged to a beautiful young girl whose sole hope 
is in you, and who, in my voice, cries to you at this moment ; ' Return my 
Gustave to me ! ' " 

The young lawyer resumed his usual tone of voice to ask his father : 
" Hey ! what do you say to that ? " 

"Not bad ! not bad ! " replied the father, " only I find that you weaken 



at the peroration — you neglect the jury ; there is nothing for them ; it is 
wrong.' Give them something like this ; 'No! no, gentlemen of the jury, 
my heart tells me in advance, you will not have the cruelty to slide a cut- 
off head among the wedding presents of that beautiful young girl !' " 

— Translated from the French by E. F. Dawson. 



ASSISTED WIT. 



Assisted by the Scissors from the Columns of Crar Contemporaries Into Onrs. 

A Siamese embassador, by way of compliment to Queen Victoria, told 
her that she moved with the grace and dignity of a white elephant. But 
the old lady was not pleased. 

Little Freddie was talking to his grand mother, who was something of a 
skeptic. " Grandma, do you belong to the Presbyterian church? " " No." 
" To the Baptist 1 " "No." " To any church ? " "No." "Well,grand- 
ma, don't you think it's about time to get in somewhere 1 " 



Governess : Now, tell me, Ethel, what letter comes after H ? 
Ethel : Please, Miss Parker, I don't know. 
Governess : What have I got by the side of my nose ? 
Ethel : A lot of powder. 



" What does Good Friday mean t " asked one Halsted-street urchin of his 
companion. 

"You'd better go home and read your 'Robinson Crusoe,-' " was the 
withering reply. 

The doctor had come to prescribe for his sister and suggested that the 
little boy might also take some of the medicine, as it would do him no 
harm. " Not much," said the youngster ; " there's nothing the matter 
with me, and you ain't going to run up a big bill against papa on my ac- 
count. " 



The Cuban who was hanged at Key West the other day opened a bottle 
of wine on the scaffold and calmly took a drop. It was not his last. 



Baseball is like the yellow fever — nothing can stop it but cold weather. 



" My Boy, Where is Your Father To-night ? " is the title of the last song. 
As if the American boy didn't have trouble enough making an excuse for 
himself. 



Said a nervous visitor to a lady at whose house Bhe was making a call : 
" Are you not afraid that some of your children will fall into that cistern 
in your yard 1 " " Oh, no," was the complacent reply ; " anyhow, that's not 
the cistern we get our drinking water from. " 

The nomination — that's the thing 

To cleanse a man of sin ; 
His former foes his praise will sing, 

If he's the one to win. 

It may be that, it may be this — 
- No matter who, indeed ; 
When once the nomination's his, 
His name's the party's creed. 

Then all those able editors, 

Who scored and lashed him so, 
Will feel the nomination's force, 

And kiss his sacred toe. 



A young woman in Easton, who thought she was losing her husband's 
affection, went to a seventh daughter of a seventh daughter for a love pow- 
der. The mystery woman told her : " Get a raw piece of beef, cut flat and 
about half an inch thick. Slice an onion in two and rub the meat on both 
Bides with it. Put on pepper and salt and toast it over a red coal fire. Drop 
on it three lumps of butter and two sprigs of parsley and get him to eat it. " 
The young wife did so and her husband loved her ever after. 



" Where will the coming man live?" is the startling question asked by 
a modern social philosopher. Well, we think very likely the coming man 
will contrive to live out of town until the assessors have been around, just 
as the present man does. 



An Arkansas man received the following dispatch from St. Louis : 
" Your son is dead ; what shall we do with him ? " The grief -stricken 
parent replied : " The best disposition to make of a dead man is to bury 
him. Thought you had sense enough to know that a corpse can be of no 
use to a community. " 



." Gracious me," said a young lady of the slums committee going into a 
room on the fourth floor of a miserable tenement, " this is awful; here's a 
mother and five children all cooped up together in one little room, with not 
even the necessaries of life. I don't see what the poor things live on." 

"I do," said the man carrying the basket; "they live on the fourth 
floor. " 

The young ladies dispensed their charity in silence and then reported 
the man to the police. 



" Oh, shall I drink or shall I kiss 1 " asks a New York poet. If you are 
a married poet you will probably drink. 

Now the small boy goeth a-fishing, catcheth two crawfishes and one lick- 
ing when he gets home. 



THE WASP. 



11 



THE LIVES OF THE SAINTS, 



Accordiog to a New and Revised Edition. 

St. Barnabas. — This saint was a native of Bohemia. From childhood 
up, he feared the temptations of the world. Heaven showered wealth upon 
him lavishly, but he cast his riches from him with pious heedlessness, giving 
to every one who asked. He was the patron and chief supporter of a re- 
ligious house of nuns, and was also the promoter of a foundling asylum. 
He lived like a hermit, and maintained so pure a life as to arouse the hatred 
of Satan, who sent demons to tempt and torment him. They pictured to 
him the pleasures of the world ; but he steadfastly bade them desist, eo 
that they despaired. Then they placed food before him of great delicacy ; 
still he resisted their arts and ordered them to leave him. After this they 
brought before him a fair but wicked woman, that they might tempt him 
from the right, and the holy man requested them to leave the room. These 
temptations were repeated on countless occasions, so that his friends would 
fain remove him from beyond them ; but the saint preferred manly resistance 
and held out for seventy years. He is generally represented as presenting a 
piano, in charity, to a poor maiden. His calendar day is February 22d, 
from which he has been called lt Pater Patrias." 

St. Francis of Assisi (St. Francis of the Ass). — ThiB holy saint, after 
having lived in awful wickedness in his youth as a lawyer, suddenly repented 
and resolved to seek the salvation of his soul. About the middle of his life 
he became seized with a certain pious longing to see Paris. He visited that 
holy city, and was thenceforth ever after infused with the blessed works 
which he had seen there. As old age came on he became more and more 
animated with religious ardor, and was frequently transported with ecstatic 
raptures, so that he knew not what he did. His day in the calendar is 
April 1st, and he is generally represented as riding an ass, whom he urges on 
with a sharpened goose-quill. 

St. Stephen was made a bishop by St. Peter while yet a young man. 
He aspired to become an archbishop, and to this end did many great works. 
It is told of him that, while traversing a certain highway one day, he met 
two beautiful women. The first was clothed in white, holding a sword and 
balance in her hand, her eyes being bandaged. The second was also in 
white, though less beautiful than the other, but in her hand she carried a 
canvass bag on which was written the legend, $10,000. Each asked him to 
accompany her. St. Stephen hesitated for a long time. The first maiden 
stretched out her arms to embrace him. He advanced to meet her, but just 
then, looking back, he saw the fair one who carried the bag gazing on him 
in gentle reproach. She stretched to him the canvass bag. With sudden 
resolution he turned him about, and, with a cry of "I am thine ! ,- threw 
himself into her arms, whereupon the maiden of the scales and gorgeous 
sword vanished with a mocking laugh. His day is February 29th. 

St. Alonzo. — This noted saint was a Roman prefect, who for a long 
time bitterly persecuted the cause of Christianity. One day, as he was lead- 
ing a vigorous onslaught upon the Christian faction, he waB suddenly over- 
whelmed with a golden light of dazzling brilliancy. In the midst there ap- 
peared a vast cross stretching out over the heavens, which took the form : 
R and around about the croBS was the legend, " In hoc signo vinces." 
C P He was at once convinced of the truth, and being baptized, did 
R many great deeds for the faith. His calendar day is February 14th. 

St. George. — This saint is especially noted for his great contest with 
the dragon. When he was passing through the country of Cappadocia the 
inhabitants besought him to rid them of an enormous dragon that inhabited 
a mountain and did continually ravage the country. They appointed him 
their champion and he went forth to the contest. Now, the dragon was 
mighty, and St. George was hard pressed, acting only on the defensive and 
making never a charge. But the beast was wily and also waited. Then St. 
George couched his lance and rode at the dragon, and the two fought all 
day and neither could overcome the other. Finally, St. George's lance was 
broken, so that he could only fight with his sword, and the people besought 
the saint to take another lance, but he would not ; and the dragon rushed 
upon St. George and swallowed him, together with numerous people. St. 
George is for this reason looked upon as a martyr. His day is July 4th. 

St. Lazarus is the patron saint of lepers. He was a leper himself, be- 
side being a beggar. Now Dives was a man of great riches, both in lands 
and ships upon the sea. When Lazarus looked upon Dives and saw the ex- 
ceeding great wealth, his heart was smitten with intolerable yearning for 
some of the good things, and he lay at the entrance of the house wherein 
Dives was eating and cried aloud : 

" Oh, father Dives ! Good father Dives, give me to eat, I pray thee, of 
the good things which are upon thy table 1 " 

Then Dives, being greatly wearied at his importunities, commanded 
unto his servants that they cast the man without the gate ; and the servants 
did as they were commanded. But Lazarus made haste and gathered unto 
himself other lepers as unclean as he, and they all went to the gate of Dives 
and proclaimed aloud to the people that passed that way : 

" Know ye, all men, that Dives is a leper and an oppressor of men ! 
He holdeth slaves and doth vex and torment them with many stripes ! His 
house is a house of lepers and his innermost court a den of thieves ! " 

And the inhabitants of the city heard the outcry and went thither. 
But when they saw these lepers thus lifting up their voices they were filled 
with mirth and mocked them and laughed them to scorn ; and the lepers 
heeded them not but continually did stand at the gate, fasting and praying 
and calling for vengeance upon the vile rich man. The calendar day of St. 
Lazarus is May 1st. Mordrec. 

A CHOICE WINE. 
The purity and excellence of the California champagnes, " Gold Seal,"" Carte 
Blanche " and " Imperial Cabinet " brands are highly prized by consumers. They are 
made from the best California vintages and put up by A. Finke's Widow, so long and 
favorably known in this country and Europe by connoisseurs in wine prodution. Her 
storehouse and wine vaults are at No. 809 Montgomery street. 



THE BEST SYSTEM FOR RAPID BUSINESS EDUCATION. 
Young people leaving home for the pursuit of business, generally wish to acquire 
a good business knowledge without taking too much time. The system adopted by 
the Pacific Business College has made successful the young men who have attended 
this institution, and to the course of instruction there received, their lucrative posi- 
tions are due. In a few months a person can go through the business branches and at 
a trifling expense. How Messrs. Chamberlain & Robinson can give a life member- 
ship with such a complete course of instruction for but seventy dollars, we are puzzled 
to know. This institution is the oldest commercial college on the coast, having been 
established in 18G4, and it has fitted more young men for business pursuits than all the 
other similar schools. The college halls destroyed by fire in 1883, have been rebuilt, 
and now are the most commodious, the best furnished, and most conveniently arranged 
halls for practical educational purposes to be found in the city. We heartily recom- 
mend this institution to those who desire such an education as will prepare them for 
the active duties of life. 



CHICAGO AND NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY. 
The gentlemanly and untiring agent of this popular road, J. Meredith Davis, has 
received complimentary letters of thanks from the California delegation to the Repub- 
lican Convention, who traveled over the C. & N. W. line to and from Chicago. The 
extra facilities which this road has at its command, turns the tide of travel largely to 
this route. The office, for information and the sale of tickets, is No. 2 New Mont- 
gomery street, under the Palace hotel. 

EINE CLOTH IMPORTATIONS. 
A new era in merchant taih>ring has been established by Levy, the tailor, No. 1226 
Market street. He imp-rts his cloths direct from the factories in Scotland, England 
and FrancB, buying at wholesale, and therefore can give a better quality of stylish gar- 
ments at more reasonable prices than any other establishment on the Pacific coast. 
See his advertisement on the outside cover of to-day's Wasp. 

NEW FRENCH RESTAURANT. 
Mons. Perrier, the well-known caterer, has fitted up an elegant restaurant, with 
private rooms for families, and a handsome banquet hall, all in first-class style and 
superior to any on the Pacific coast. It is located at Nos. 12 and 14 O'Farrell street, 
one door above Dupont, and has a private entrance on Bagley place. Mr. Perrier has 
a fine reputation and deserves to b« largely patronized. 



PHILADELPHIA BREWERY. 

The Philadelphia Brewery has sold during the year 1882 64,188 barrels of beer, 
being twice as much as the next two leading breweries in this city. (See Official 
Report, U. S. Internal Revenue, January, 1883.) The beer from this brewery has a 
Pacific Coast renown unequaled by am »thor ^n the Coast 



INDESTRUCTIBLE EYE-GLASSES. 
Mr. R. B. West, optician. No. 407 Kearny (near Pine), is selling a new eye-glass, 
with patent easy nose rest. It is light and pliable, without pressure on the nose, and 
never falls off. The prices are reasonable. See advertisement on outside cover of this 
week's Wasp, 

BURNHAM'S ABIETENE. 

W. W. Haney, 221 Sacramento St., San Francisco, says " Burnham's Abietene " 
cured him of Rheumatism and Kidney trouble after every other remedy failed. He 
used it both internally and externally. It is sold by druggists generally. 

MOST MARKED SUCCESS. 
Messrs. Benham & Eaton, 735 Market Btreet, proprietors of the Model Mn^ic 
Store, are agents for the celebrated Hazelton pianos, also the Benham piano ; first- 
class and medium price. Give them a call. 

FINE OLD TABLE WINES. 
Messrs. J. Gundlach & Co., vine growers, corner Market and Second streets, 
make a great specialty of fine old table wines, their own production from their own 
extensive vineyards in Sonoma county. 

PHILIP BEST MILWAUKEE LAGER BEER. 
Messrs. Plagemann & Bernhard, No. 16 O'Farrell street, proprietors of the " Ren- 
dezvous," are the agents for this celebrated beer. They keep it fresh on draught and 
for sale in kegs. . 

DENTISTRY. 

C. O. Dean, D.D.S., 126 Kearny street (Thurlow Block). Gas administered. 
Reasonable prices. Satisfaction guaranteed. 



F. W. SPENCER & CO. 
This popular firm. 23 and 25 Fifth street, are the sole agents for the Guild piano. 
Moderate prices. Call and see them. 

BETHESDA WATER. 

It never fails to cure all diseases of the kidney. It is for sale at first-class saloon 
and druggists. Ask for it. ____^__ 

SUBSCRIBERS 

Who desire to keep the "WASP" on file, can now be again supplied with 
Covers. Price, Fifty Cents. _____ 

A GOOD TONIC. 

If you are troubled with indigestion, try African Stomach Bitters. Ask for it. 



38 Cough Mixture has no equal. While taking 38 Cough Mixture you can con- 
tinue your usual avocation. 38 Cough Mixture will cure your cold quicker than any 
other remedy ; other remedies are good, but 38 Cough Mixture will cure any and all 
kinds of colds with less trouble than any other kind. For sale by all druggists. B. J. 
Rhodes & Co., manufacturers, San Jose, Cal. 



Library of the Ligue Nationale Francaise, 120 Sutter street, first story, open daily, 
except Sundays, from noon to 6 P.M., and from 7:30 to 10 o'clock, P. M. Terms of ad- 
mission : One dollar entrance fee, and fifty cents per month. 



J. P. Tenthorev & Co., 558 Mission street, have always on hand for the trade the 
finest Maccaroni, Vermicelli, Farina and paste of all descriptions in French and Italian 
style. £3TNo retail in our factory. 

Messrs. Arpad Harazthy & Co. are the only producers of natural champagne by 
fermentation in the bottle, like all French champagnes. See their advertisement on 
last page of cover, 



12 



THE WASP- 



show NOTES, 



On Sunday evening the French company, under the direction of M. Paul Juignet, 
gave a representation which the play-bill announced as the close of the season. There 
were two plays, the last and principal one being Le Meurtrier de TModore — Theodore's 
Murderer—by MM. Msilhac and HaleVy, the authors of Frou-Frou. Le Meurtrier de 
Thdodoreis a bright little comedy, full of movement, and with that peculiarity of good 
French plays in the hands of good actors, the developing of a distinct character for 
each pewm while never lapsing from the steady progress of thg plot for mere incident's 
sake. This play is so clever and essentially act-able that it is strange that it has not 
been translated or stolen for our stage long ago. There are but four characters - a 
tempestuous young lady, her old father, a mature admirer and a responsible maid. 
M'Ue Alphonsine G-rossian took the role of the young lady, " Mariquita," who is a half 
Mexican, and indicates her extraction by her black dress, lighted with red, her hot tem- 
per, romantic conception of love and terrific ideas of vengeance. M'Ue G-rossian pres- 
ented the difficult character with an intelligence and tact truly French. She was tu- 
multuous and tyrannical without being rough, played school-girl tricks without vulgar- 
ity, and yielded finally with >ut imparting to the spectator that disagreeable feeling of 
humiliation that follows the subjection of " Kathenne " in Taming the Shrew. 

M. Paul Juignet was admirable as "Ernest Ohamillon," the murderer of Theo- 
dore. The piece gets its sanguinary title from the fact that one Theodore, who never 
appears, a ne'er-do-well young admirer of " Mariquita," engaged to her with her 
father's reluctant consent, wearies of his engagement to the fiery young lady, forms 
new ties and gets his friend " Chamillon" to tell " Mariquita" that he, Theodore, is 
dead — killed in a duel at Brussels. "Chamillon" carries the message, falls in love 
with the young Mexican at first sight, takes advantage of her absence from the room 
to tell her father of the real state of the case, asks and obtains her hand from her 
father, saying playfully that he is the murderer of Theodore, meaning that the youth 
is dead only in his report. "Mariquita," listening at the door, only hears the bare 
statement and accepts "Chamillon" as her husband tn tortu-e him with annoying 
tricks for having killed Theodore. Later the father — played with much dry humor by 
M. Charles Morel— tells his inflammable daughter that Theodore is alive and false. 
Mariquita" rushes to Theodore's rooms — a scene painted out of sight — finds him 
with his new love, breaks everything and return-* ■■*■ -adder girl, but not wiser until she 
receives a bill for broken glass and furniture a- Theudure's ^ole recognition of her 
frenzy. "Chamillon," now her husband, fek">* n Iitference to her and prepares to 
leave Paris, but they make up their quarrels over a capital comedy dining scene, and 
curtain. 

It is to be hoped M. Paul Juignet and his company will essay another season.and 
give as well acted comedies as Le Meurtrier de TModore. 

Monday night the Madison-square Company appeared in The Rajah, an English 
society play, by William Young. There was a good house, many large flower pieces to 
welcome Miss Marie Burroughs, a former Californian, and the glade in the Wyncot 
park was even more sylvan and charming than the advertisements could make us know, 
there was even some good acting — in fact, there was everything but a play. 

The idea of the young guardian of a scarce younger ward was very prettily ex- 
ploited by the English novel-writer calling herself "The Duchess," in the little novel 
Airy Fairy Lilian. The rebellious dislike of control from one so near her own age, a 
dislike which is only love turned wrong side out, is also the leading motive in the story. 
It is good material and deserves to be lifted onto the stage, but it is not a whole 
drama. One reaches the immortal glade scene without having advanced any story or 
plot one inch. Everything indicates something about to happen which never happens. 
"Harold Wyncot," the big blonde Rajah— they pronounce it with the soft French j 
instead of with the dj sound that we give words like jasmine and jug — is a Ouida hero 
without the wickedness. Mr. H. M. Pitt plays him with a great deal of taste and 
altogether like a gentleman, never a bully and never with the least suspicion of caddish- 
ness, and his clothes and well-adjusted chin are charming. He is as near a hero as our 
modern life permits, and the play is at fault, not he, for his abominable fall. He aids a 
convict to escape. He does this because his sense of duty and his honor are stifled by 
his affection for a woman who asks the convict's life. A mere girl— fickle, capricious 
and vapid, overcomes the allegiance of a British officer to his government. One feels 
when he marries this girl what so high-minded a man as the Kajah will experience 
when the first flush of capture is over, poignant remorse whenever he looks at the wo- 
man who caused his great error. There is nothing about the convict to awaken sym- 
pathy — he does not deserve freedom — he is a dangerous character, idle and seditious. 
Mr. Young has given us very bad doctrine. 

Miss Marie Burroughs has a round, large-eyed, pretty face, without much expres- 
sion, and a long, slight figure, without much grace. " Gladys Wyncot " is a colorless 
character at best, and Miss Burroughs may have a better opportunity to show her 
quality later, in The Rajah the second lady, " Emilia Jekyll," played by Miss Marion 
Elmore, carries off the palm of comedy possibilities among the women of the cast. 
Miss Elmore might be one of Charles Reade's vivacious vixens come to life. Anything 
more delicious than her quarrel with " Wyncot," ending in her throwing down a book, 
kicking it and bouncing upon the divan, my memory fails to supply. Her spiteful 
sprightliness and sprightly spite are forever throwing off showers of sparks in their 
collision with the various resistances she meets. " Richard Jocelyn," the young 
lawyer, was played by Mr. E. M. Holland with an elasticity of mouth and a bulging 
fixity of eye that caused a little murmur of "Grimes" to run round the audience. 
" Richard," however, is rather more like " Pittacus Green," of Hazel Kirk fame— the 
sophomore in the drama, as one might say. 

But who shall classify dear " Buttons," the mirth -provoking page? Some one 
called him a pocket edition of C. B. Bishop. On the play bill he is called Mr. Geo. 
Bruening, not Master, and yet he is but four feet high. He is reminiscent of Joe, the 
Fat Boy, but he is nearer to childhood's happy hour than "Joe. His plush suit is a 
very remarkable affair, his tumble into the real water of the real brook is laughably 
lamentable, and his descent upon the love-making of "Harold" and "Gladys" 
capital. The audience has " Buttons " in high favor. So had the author, apparently, 
for the " Rajah " and his ward-sweetheart sink into invisibility at the closing tableau 
and " Buttons " crowing over the forced match between his garrulous mamma and 



poor old tottering " Job " is the foremost figure. The entrance of all these people 
strikes one as an uncomfortable anti-climax, and " Harold's " presentation of the 
letter which makes " Gladys " heir of the estates is not satisfactorily led up to nor 
introduced. Here are careful appointments, some excellent acting and some well 
thought of characters and hints of scenes, yet the impression of the whole is of a 
loose jointed, dull pointed, inconsequent and tame play. 

At Emerson's Theater Fred Warde and Kate Forsythe put on a very creditable 
representation of Ingomar. It is satisfactory to hear about two souls with but a single 
thought, in the proper setting of furs and flowers. 

The Devil's Auction, at the Bush Street, is of the order of Christmas spectacles, 
with a clown and a fairy and a ballet, especially a peacock ballet, where the dancers 
wear peacock-blue velvet with the birds' heads on their caps and patent adjustable pea- 
cocks' tails, which they spread and sweep about to the piping of a whistle representing 
the peacock's call. Matinetti, who plays an indestructible imp, is an amazing contor- 
tionist, as boneless and as writhing as a snake. The spirited acrobatic and tuin'oliug 
feats of the Herbert Brothers also salt the somewhat insipid pabulum of The Devil's 
Auction. -A- k. T, 

On Monday, July 4th, the great burlesque Orpheus and Eurydice commences at 
the Baldwin Theater, with the New York Bijou Opera Company. Among the forty- 
five people who are coming is Marie Vanoni, said to have made the greatest hit ever 
known in New York, Digby Bell, George Boniface Jr., Harry Pepper, Ida Mulle and 
Laura Joyce Bell. Magnificent scenery and dresses will be brought from New York, 
and the production is expected to eclipse any burlesque California has yet seen. The 
sale of seats begins Thursday, July 10th. 

Poor little Signorina Antonietti Antonietta, of the reversible name, must have felt 
her heart sink at the slender audience that greeted her on her benefit night, but it made 
up in enthusiasm what it lacked in numbers. TheTenthusiasm of an audience, how- 
ever, is unfortunately not solid enough to carry the little woman back to Italy, for 
which purpose the concert was given. The programme was thoroughly Italian as re- 
gards composers, and very nearly so as regards performers, among whom Signor Paro- 
lini distinguished himself as usual by his well-trained and robust method of singing, 
and Signora Sormano by her facility in executing one of De Beriot's "Variations " for 
the violin. One of the exceptions to the nationality of the singers was Mrs. C. T. 
Hancock, a little American debutante, with a sweet voice of good compass and great 
ease. It is as yet too childish in quality and amateurish in execution to be quite ready 
for the concert hall, but time, patience and hard work will doubtless help her to de- 
velop a roundness of tone and power of comprehension and expression now lacking. 
Signora Bernardi, a powerful soprano, was dramatic in her rendering of a solo and a 
duet with Signor Parolini, both from Apolloni's " L' Ebreo." Mr. Joseph Roeckel, 
the accompanist of the evening, introduced what was called the Armoni or Harmony 
piano, a modification of the piano invented by Caldera of Turin. It can be played 
like an ordinary piano, but by certain stops an effect of sustained tone is produced, like 
a small, soft female chorus behind the scenes, or an organ with all churchly stateliness 
left out, and a bright, open cheerfulness substituted. In certain cantabile passages it 
is full of effect, but I am yet in doubt whether I altogether like it or not. 




A BOON TO MUSICIANS. 

Our angular rooms, with their 
alcoves, bay windows and corners 
are ill adapted for music rooms 
The Japanese Folding Screen can 
so concentrate the sound as to 
make a music room of any. 

This is only one of the dozens 
of uses to which screens can be 
put ; and it is sure to happen 
that, by-and-by, in the course of 
a few years, they will be consid- 
ered the most useful piece of fur- 
niture in the house, and certainly 
the least expensive and most orna- 
mental. 

Ichi Ban, 20—22—24 Geary 
street. The most beautiful store 
in America, has a great stock of 
them, ranging in price from $2. 50 
upwards. 



FOUND AT LAST. 

A pure and wholesome preparation for dressing and promoting the growth of the 
hair, for allaying and preventing inflammation, alleviating and curing all ordinary 
disease^ of the scalp and skin, August Koehncke's Hair Restorer ; a cure and pre- 
ventative of premature baldness. It is a purely botanical compound, and not a greasy, 
dirty mess. Totally unlike nearly all other preparations for the hair and skin. It 
contains neither mineral, chemical, animal nor vegetable poisons. J. J. Mack & Co., 
9 and 11 Front street, San Francisco, Sole Agent ; or. direct to A. Koehncke, manu- 
facturer, Watsonville, Cal. Sent to any address on receipt of $1 ; six bottles, §5. 



A HEALTHY DRINK AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. 
It is important to families as well as first-class saloon men to know that H. L. St. 
John & Co., 14 Hayes street, are making the genuine old-fashioned Eastern Root Beer 
from selected roots and herbs. It is cooling, healthy and delicious, good for old and 
young. It is the cheapest and best drink in the city. One dozen pints only 70 cents, 
one dozen quarts only $1.10, delivered free to your house. All bottles have patent 
stoppers. Try the Root Beer. 



READ THIS. 

Mr. A. H. Baldwin (formerly McDowell & Baldwin) of the San Francisco Carpet 
Beating Machine, 1321 and 1323 Market street, has now new machinery throughout. 
Calls for carpets, renovates and relays them all in one day. Refitting carpets a 
specialty. Telephone 3036. Remember, i&'no Chinamen employed at this establish 
ment. 



THE WASP. 



13 



AODSBHElfTB. 



CALIFORNIA THEATER. 

GOOD OLD TIMES ONCE MORE. 

Wrdnertilny, July 'i Inltl Further 

ftotlce. 

EVERY NIGHT— EVEBY SUNDAY. 
FRIDAY MATINEE ; — Sill ItlHV 

THE BEST CAST STRONGEST PLAY, 

And consequently the largest receipts in 20 year 

The Popular Young Actor, 
H-R— J-A-M-E-3— O'-X-E-I-L-l. 

Am Eijiiusd Dantks, with 
Mr. John Btottoa'fl Monte Crista Co., 

Originally organized under Mr. Stetson's man 
agctnenc f-ir Booth's Theater, New York. 
Dumas's Great Play of Month Cristo. 
Entire Sew Scenery. 
Grand Realistic Effects and Correct Appoint- 
ments. 
EXCURSIONS ON ALL ROADS THIS WEEK. 
Secure your scats early. 
Popular Prices Prevail. 
•yBox Office open from A. M. to 10 P. M. 



T1HE 




AMERICAN BUNTING 

FLAGS. 

SEND FOR PRICES. 

G. M. JOSSELYN & CO., 

38 A 40 MARKET STREET, 
Sjiii Francisco. 

CALIFORNIA 

SUGAR REFINERY 



OFFICE, 327 MARKET ST. 
REFINERY, ■ - • POTRERO. 



CLAUS SPRECKELS President 

J. D. SPRECKELS Vice-President 

A. B. SPRECKELS Secretary 



LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. Finest and cheapest Meat Fla- 
vouring Stock for Soups, Made DisheB and 
Sauces. Annual Sale, 8,000,000 jars. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

UF MEAT. An invaluable tonic. " la a 
success and a boon for which nations 
should feel grateful." — See "Medical 
Press," " Lancet," &o. 

Genuine only with the fac-simile of Baron 
Liebig's Signature in Blue Ink acroBS the 
Label. Tne title" Baron Liebig" and photo- 
graph having been largely UBed by dealerB 
with no connection with Baron Liebig, 
the public are informed that the Liebig 
Company alone can offer the article with 
Baron Liebig's guarantee of genuineness. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. To bo had of all Storekeepers, 
Grocers and Chemists. Sole Agenta for the 
United States (wholesale only) C. David & 
Co. ,9,Fenchorch Avenue, London, England. 

Sold wholesale by RICHARDS A 
HARRISON, San Francisco. 



SANTINELI 



Cures all recent and chronic urinary diseases. 
Directions in all languages. Sold by all Drug- 
gists at 81.00 a bottle, or sent by express on 
receipt of price, secure from observation. Fair* 
mount Chenilcal Co.. Cincinnati, Ohio, U. 
S. A. 



HAWAIIAN HOTEL 



Honolulu, H. I. 



This house has boon entirely renovated and 
extended, and under tho new management will 
be conducted with particular reference to the 

Comfort and Convenience 



TOURISTS- 

The Hotel is most delightfully situated, and 
the Cuisine is equal to that of the Leading 
Metropolitan Hotels of the United States. 



GEO. H. FAS E1T, 

Manager. 



THE /ETNA SPRINGS. 

To the highly curative proprieties of these 
waters and the charms of the place is added an 
elegant and capacious Swimming Bath. 

These waters purify the blood, refresh, renew 
and restore the whole system. 

They cure Rheumatism, Sciatica, Dyspepsia, 
Erysipelas, Kidney and Liver Dispases, Chronic 
Diarrhoea, Paralysis and Pulmonary Complaints 
in the early stages. 

These waters are a specific in cases of Malaria, 
Chill and Ague Fever. 

They afford magical relief in cases of Nervous- 
ness, Sleeplessness and GeneKal Debility. 

Visitors leave San Francisco at 8 a. m. for St. 
Helena, thence by daily stage (Sundays ex- 
cepted, arriving at the /Etnas at 5 P. M, 

For Pamphlet containing Analysis and Cures, 
address W.H. KUIENELL, Huu't, or «'.«. 
II. LIDELL, Proprietor, Udell P. <>., 
Napa • »>.. Cal. 



OCEANIC STEAMSHIP CO. 

J. D. SPRECKELS & BKO'S, 
327 Market Street, 

OWNERS OF 

Spreckels' Line of Packets. 

Packages and Freight to Honolulu. 



DIVIDEND NOTICE. 

THE GERMAN SAVINGS AND 
LOAN SOCIETY. 

For the half year ending June 30, 1884, the 
Board of Directors of THE GERMAN SAVINGS 
AND LOAN SOCIETY has declared a dividend 
on Term Deposits at the rate of four and 
thirty-two one hundredths (4 3'M00) per cent. 
per annum, and on Ordinary Deposits at the 
rate of three and six-tenths (3 6-10) per cent, 
per annum, and payable on and after the 1st 
day of July, 1884 By order, 

GEO. LETTE, Secretary. 



THE 

MAMMOTH GROVE HOTEL 

Calaveras Big Trees, 

The most agreeable and healthy Summer Resi- 
dence on the Coast, is now open for the reception 
of guests. For particulars, apply to THOS. D. 
WALTON, 138 Montgomery street. 

JAMES L. SPEKRV, Proprietor. 



A PRIZE.- 



Send six cents for post- 
age, and receive free, a 
costl v box of goods which 
will help all,of either sex, 
to more money right away than anything elBe in 
this world. Fortunes await the workers abso- 
lutely sure. At once address True & Co., Au- 
gusta, Maine. 




DR. SPINNEY, 

No. 11 KEARNY ST., 
Treats all Curonlc and Special Disease 8 

vol \<; MEN. 

The following symptoms are frequently met 
with among young men : 

Loss of Memory and Energy, Eyes growin 
Weak, Eruptions on the Forehead, Unrefreshing 
Sleep, Bad Feeling on rising in tho Morning, 
Loss of Appetite, Palpitation of the Heart, 
Despondency, Timidity, Brooding over the Past, 
Apprehensions for the Future, Aversion to So- 
ciety, an unnatural preference for Solitude, and 
many others. These are the results of youthful 
follies or indiscretions, and those suffering from 
any or all of them will do well to avail them- 
selves of this, the greatest boon ever laid at the 
altar of suffering humanity. DR. SPINNEY 
will guarantee to forfeit §500 for a case of any 
kind or character which he undertakes and fails 
to cure. 

MIDDLE-AGED MEN. 

There are many at the age of thirty to sixty 
who are trouble with diseases of Kidney and 
Bladder and a weakening of tho system in a 
manner the patient cannot account for. Many 
men die of this difficulty, ignorant of the cause. 
Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure in all such 
cases, and a healthy restoration of the affected 
parts. 

Office Hours— 10 to 4 and 6 to 8. Sundays, 
from 10 to 11 a.m. Consultation free, Thorough 
examination and advice 85. Call or address, 
DR. SPINNEY & CO., 11 Kearny St., S. F. 



DR. ALLEN'S 

PRIVATE DISPENSARY, 

26* Kearny Street, San Francisco, Cal. 

Established for the Scientific and Speedy Cure of 

Chronic, Nervous and Special Diseases. 

THE EXPERT SPECIALIST, 

r. Allen, is a regular Physician from University 
of Michigan. He is acknowledged to be the most 
expert Surgeon in his specialty on the Pacific 
Coast. 

YOUNG MEN 
And MIDDLE-AGED MEN, who suffer from the 
effects of Youthful Indiscretions or Excesses in 
maturer years, Nervous and Physical Debility, 
loss of energy and memory, etc., remember I 
have a Vegetable Compound, the result of many 
years of special practice, which under my special 
advice has never failed of success in the cure of 
weakness, kidney and bladder diseases, etc. 

Hospital Experience, 
(Having been Surgeon in two leading hospitals) 
enables me to treat all private troubles with ex- 
cellent results. I wish it distinctly understood 
that I do not claim to perform impossibilities. 
I claim only to be a skilful and sucessful Phy- 
sician and Surgeon, tuobguqhly informed in my 
specialty — 

Diseases of Man. 

All will receive my nonest opinion of their 
complaints — no experimenting. I will guarantee 
a positive cure in every case I undertake, or 
forfeit 81,000. Consultation in office or by letter 
free and strictly private. Charges moderate. 
Call or address DR. ALLEN, 

26 1-2 Kearny street, San Francisco, Cal. 



THE 



WHITE HOUSE, 

Honolulu, H. I. 



Guests visiting the Islands can secure com- 
fortable Rooms, with or without Board, at 
Reasonable Figures. 

MRS. JAMES T. WHITE, 
Proprietress. 



Morris & Kennedy, 

19 anil 31 Post Street. 

Artists' Materials & Frames. 

FREE GALLERY. 




Recommended by the Faculty J 

TAR RANT' S 

COMPOUND EXTRACTS 

— op — 

Cubebs and Copaiba. 

This compound is 
superior to any pre- 
paration hitherto in- 
vented, combining in 
a very highly concen- 
trated state the med- 
ical properties of the 
Cubebs and Copaiba. 
One recommendation 
this preparation en- 
joys over all others 
is its neat, portable 
■» '■ form, put up in pets; 

the mode in which it may be taken is both 
pleasant and convenient, being in the 
form of a paste, tasteless and does not 
impair the digestion. Prepared onlv bv 
TAHRANT & CO., 
Druggist and Chemists, 278 and 280 
Greenwich street, New York. 

For Sale By All Druggists. 

To the Unfortunate I 
Dr Gibbon's Dispensary. 

£»OQ KEAR- 
O^WO NYBt 

San Francisco— Es- 
tablished in 1864 for 
the treatment and 
cure of Special Dis- 
eases, nervous and 
physical Debility, or 
diseases wearing on 
body and mind, per- 
manently CURED. 
The sick and afflict- 
ed should not fail 
to call upon him. 
The Doctor has tra- 
veled extensively "in Europe, and inspected 
thoroughly the hospitals there, obtaining a 
great deal of valuable information, which he 
Is competent to impart to those in need of 
his services. The Doctor cures when other 
fail. Try him. DR. GIBBON will mate no 
charge unless he effects a cure. Persons at a 
distance may be CURED AT HUME. All 
communications strictly confidential. Charge 
resonable. Gall or write. Address DR. J. 
F. GIBBON, Box 1957, San FranciBco. Men- 
tion the WASP. 




DEALERS IN FURS. 

Alaska Commercial Co., 
310 Sansome Street, 

SAN FKANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. 



Wholesale 



THE AMERICAN 

SUGAR REFINERY, 

San Francisco. 

Manufacturers of nil classes of Refined 

Sugars, Including Loaf Sugar 

for Export. 

C. ADOLPHE LOW & CO., 

Agents 
Office, '-Mis California St. 



THE SOUTH BRITISH AND 

NATIONAL INS. CO. 

W. J. CALLINGHAM & CO., 

No. 213 SANSOME ST., SAN FKANOIS0O 



14 



THE WASP. 



THE NARROW GUAGE, 



Meissonier's picture called "A Quarrel " repre- 
sents a dispute in which the would-be combatants 
try to get at each other, while two friends on 
one side and one on the other endeavor to separate 
them. The five models stood in this attitude for 
three hours each day for sixty consecutive days. 
"They were better off than the fellow who 
shammed death beneath a real dead horse on 
a winter's day when the. snow lay a foot deep in 
my garden," said M. Meissonier. No doubt they 
were. 



" Just to think," said a poor fellow who lay on a 
bran-box, dying, "that I was kicked by the worse 
looking horse in the stable. Those blooded horses 
had every opportunity that a liberal man could 
give, and yet they held back and allowed that old 
bone-yard to kick the life out of me. Ah ! gentle- 
men, it is sad to be killed by an ordinary horse." 
— Arhansaw Traveler. 



An African belle, gorgeously attired with a red 
string around each ankle and a bone ring in the 
nose, was shocked when she read a description of 
the decollette dresses worn by fashionable ladies at 
public receptions in London. She said it was 
"perfectly scandalous." — Norristown Herald. 



A Chicago lady recently wrote a letter to a paper 
asking who that Madonna was who painted so 
many pictures, and if he didn't belong to the 
McDonough family. — N. Y. Tribune. 




" See What CuCicura Does for Me ! " 
TNFANTILE and Birth Humors, Milk Crust, Scaled 
Head, Eczemas, and every form of Itching, Scaly, 
Pimply, Scrof uluous and Inherited Diseases of the Blood, 
Skin and Scalp, with Loss of Hair, cured by the Cdti- 
ouea Remedies. Absolutely pure and safe. Cuticura, the 
great Skin Cure, 50 cents; Cuticura Soap, an exquisite 
Skin Beautifier and only Medicinal Baby Soap, 25 cents, 
and Cuticura Resolvent, the new Blood Purifier, $1, are 
sold by druggists. Potter Drug and Chemical Co., Bos- 
ton. Send for "How to Cure Skin Diseases." 




Bias RTo 33 ci tlx ci, X ! 

Strongest, Purest, Best and Most Econom- 
ical in the Market. 

Never Varies in Quality. 

Recommended to CONSUMERS by leading- Physi- 
cians, Chemists and members of the San 
Francisco Board of Health. 
PREPARED B7 THE 

BOTHIN MANUFACTURING COMPANY, 

San Francisco and Sacramento. 




HUPTURE 



^Positively cured in 60 days by 
i/Dr. llome'n Eteetro-Muirnetla 
BeIt-Ti-uH« t combined. Guaran- 
teed the only one in the world 
ff£^~ generating a continuous Eh'ctric& Mag- 
' netic uurrmt. Seieniiiic, Powerful, Durable, 
Comfortable and Effective in curing Rup. 
ture. Price Reduced. 500curedin 83. Send for pamphlet 
EI-ECTKO-MAGNETIC TRUSS COMJPANY. 
y 08 bubksi siebbt, San FaAKoifico, 



A TIMELY ENTERPRISE, 



What is the time o' the day? — Prospcro. 

The meditative passer-by muses on horology as 
he looks at the unique clock, |one of the hand- 
somest in the United StateB, erected on the N. E. 
corner of Sutter and Montgomery streets by the 
wholesale jewelers there, Messrs. JSast, Green- 
zweig & Co. 

Time, measured by hours, minutes and seconds, 
was long unknown. It was early divided into 
years by the sun's motion, into months by the 
moon's motion, and into days by the alternate 
light and darkness. 

The earliest means employed to divide the day 
was the shadow of an upright stick which gave a 
rough measure of time by the variations in its 
length and position. This suggested sun-dials, 
first mentioned in Isaiah xxxviii, 8. Another 
measurement of brief periods was dropping water 
from one vessel to another. Then sand was 
found more certain, hence the invention of hour- 
glasses. King Alfred marked time by the gradual 
shortening of a lighted candle. 

The time elapsing in one rotation of the earth 
makes a sideral day, the astronomers' star-time, 
they reckon from noon to noon, making twenty- 
four short hours out of 23 hours and 56 minuteB 
and 4 seconds of mean solar time, a fixed measure 
obtained by imagining a sun moving uniformly. 

The ecclesiastical day was reckoned from sun- 
set to sunset. 

Sun-dials showed apparent time. Clocks and 
watches keep mean time. In the year 996, Ger- 
bert, afterwards Pope Sylvester II. " made a time- 
piece at Magdeburg, setting it by looking at the 
pole-star through a tube, " Whether clock or not 
is not stated. The earliest clock fully described 
was erected by a German in the palace-tower of 
Charles V. of France in 1379. 

The movements of heavenly bodies are still the 
only standard for general measurement of time, 
and until within thirty years clocks and other me- 
chanical contrivances have been but individual 
and imperfect measures of the intervals, to be 
trusted only until an opportunity of comparing 
them with the certain and public signals of the 
heavens, but this new feature of Sutter and Mont- 
gomery streets, made by the Howard Watch and 
Clock Company, is regulated not to gain or lose 
one second per month, which is a marvelous 
triumph. 

How many in the multitude passing the corner 
of Sutter and Montgomery streets realize that 
there is any connection between that stately clock 
and the old nursery-rhyme " Sing a song of six- 
pence ? " Yet the f our-and-twenty blackbirds are 
now said to represent the twenty-four hours. The 
bottom of the pie is the world, the top-crust the 
over-arching sky. The opening of the pie is day- 
dawn when the birds begin to sing. The king sit- 
ting in his parlor counting out his money, is the 
sun, the gold pieces that slip through his fingers 
are the rays of golden sunshine. The queen sit- 
ting in the dark kitchen is the moon, the honey 
she feasts on is the moon-shine. The maid who is 
in the garden at work before the king, the sun, 
has risen, is the day ; the clothes she hangs out are 
clouds; the bird that "nips off her nose " is the 
sunset hour. 

The four-and-twenty blackbirds are remembered 
upon two sides of this elegant time-piece, which 
has four sides. Two show out 12-hour time, the 
other two show the 24-hour time, the new time on 
which some eastern railroads are running trains. 
We are informed that the Alameda boats will soon 
run on that time. 

This fine clock of Messrs. Nast, Greenzweig & 
Co. will be a joy and pride to all San Franciscans, 
and it is gratifying to know that in the grand prize- 
fight for supremacy it is a San Francisco firm that 
has so nobly "come to time." For, although a 
number of watches have been made with that 
measure and are in use, this 24-hour dial-clock is 
the first one ever made in the United States. 

" ' Thus may we see,' quoth he, how the world wags ; 
'Tis but an hour ago since it was nine ; 
And after one hour more 'twill be eleven, 
And so from hour to hour." 



A man in South Carolina recently found that 
drawing a chalk mark around a barrel of sugar 
made it impregnable to ants, and then got mad 
when the Patent Office refused to grant him a 
patent for the discovery. — N. Y. Graphic. 

When the ass wages war on the thistle it is to 
assuage his hunger. — Yonhers Gazette. 



n M CELEBRATED *" <l^ 




^ifrfRS 



To the needs of the tourist, 
commercial traveler and new 
settler, Hostetter's Stomach 
Bitters is peculiarly adapted, 
since it strengthens the di- 
gestive organs and braces the 
physical energies to unhealth- 
ful influences. It removes 
and prevents malarial fever, 
constipation, dyspepsia, 
healthfully stimulates the 
kidneys and bladder, and en- 
riches as well as purifies the 
blood. When overcome by 
fatigue, whether mental or 
physical, the weary and de- 
bilitated find it a reliable 
source of renewed strength 
and comfort. 

For sale by all Druggists 
and Dealers generally. 




HALL'S 

MLLUEH 

and Iodide of Potass. 

THE BEST BLOOD I*( EMI II i; AND TONIC ALTERA 

THE IX USE. 

It quickly cures all diseases originating- from a disordered state 
of the Blood and Liver ; it invigorates the Stomach, Liver and 
Bowels, relieving Dyspepsia, Indigestion and Constipation, re- 
stores the Appetite, and increases and haru«ns the Flesh. 

RlienniatlHiii. Neuralgia, Blotches, Boils, IMmples, 
Scrofula, Gout, Dropsy. Tumors, Malt Rueuin and 
Hcrcurlal Pains readily yield to its purifying properties. It 
leaves the Blood Pure, the Liver and Kidneys IScaltliy, 
the 4,'oniplexion Bright and Clear. 

FOR SALE BY ALL DRUGGISTS. 

J R. GATES & CO., Proprietors, 

417 Sansome St., cor. Commercial, San Francisco. 



30 DAYS' TRIAL 

f dr. f m . 

. lOYESlM i 

(BKFOKE.) (AFTER.) 

ELECTRO-VOLTAIC BELT and other Electric 
Appliances are sent on SO Days' Trial TO 
MEN ONLY, YOUNG OR OLD, who are suffer- 
ing from Nervous Debility, Lost Vitality, 
Wasting Weaknesses, and all those diseases of a 
Personal Nature, resulting from Abuses and 
Other Causes. Speedy relief and complete 
restoration to Health, Vigor and Manhood 
Guaranteed. Send at once for Illustrated 
Pamphlet free. Address 

Voltaic Belt Co., Marshall, Mich. 



30 BAYS' TRIAL. 

To loung, old, rich orpoor, 
both sexes,— stop drugging, 
;ind cure yourself with DR. 



IIORNE'S (New Improved) 
Electric Belt. Electricity is 

Life, and a lack of it la Dls- 
easeand Death. Thousands 
testify to its priceless value. 
"" 'KID cures reported in 1883, 





Whole family can wear same Belt- Cures without medi- 
cine. Pains in the Back. Hips, Head or Limbs, Nervous 
PenUIty, Lumbago. Central Debility. Ilhenmatism, Par- 
alysis, Neuralgia, Sciatica, Kit-ease of Kidneys, Spinal 
Diseases, Torpid Liver, Gout, Asthma, Heart Disease, 
Dyspepsia, Constipation, Erysipelas, Indigestion, Rup- 
ture. Catarrh, Plies, Kpilepsv. Al-pic, Phi betes. Send stamp 
tor Pamphlet. W. J. HOENE, 70S Market St., San Fran' 
Cisco, Cal. Inventor, Proprietor and Manufacturer. 



WEAK, UNDEVELOPED PARTS 

OP THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED, 



STRENGTHENED, Etc., 



rpaper. Inreply 



interesting advertisemen t 
willeay that 



there is do evidence of humbug about this. On the contrary, 



the advertise 
may get sealed c 



; very biphly indorsed. Interested persona 
i giving all particulars, by addressing 



., N. V.— Toledo Evening Bet 



AND NOT 

SWEAK OUT 



0^\l 1% by watchmakers. By mail 25c. Circulars 
OULUirce. J.S.£ieqh&Cq..8"~ 



THE WASP. 



15 



PACIFIC COAST 
STEAMSHIP COMPANY. 



Steamers of this Company will 
•."'.i from Broadway Wharf, San 
Francisco, forporttun California, 
"Oregon, Washington and Idaho 
territories, British Columbia and Alaska, as fol 
lows : 

Call Torn In Southern fon»t Route. - 

Steamers will sail about every sw»nd day a. m. 
(or the following ports (excepting San Diego, 
erery fifth day), viz: Santa Cruz, Monterey, 
Bah Simeon, Cayucos, Port Harford, San Luis 
Obispo, Oaviota, Santa Barbar , 'entura, Hue- 
ncmc, San Pedro Los Angeles asd San Diego. 

Bntlah Columbia and Wu«kii Route. 

— Steamship IDAHO, carrying U. S. Mails, sails 
from Portland, Oregon, on or about the 5th of 
each month, for Port Townscnd, W. T., Victoria, 
and Naoaimo, B. C., Fort Wrangol, Sitka and 
Hanisburg, Alaska, connecting at Port Town- 
lend with Victoria and Puget Sound. Steamer 
leaving Sao Francisco on or about the 1st of 
the same month. 

Victoria and Pn«et Sound Route.— 

The Steamers GEO. W. ELDER and MEX- 
ICO, carrying Her Britanic Majesty's and 
United States mails, sail from Broadway Wharf, 
San Francisco, at 10 A. h., on March 3d, 
11th, 19th, 27th, and every eighth day there- 
after for Victoria, B. C, Port Townsend, 
Seattle, Tacoma, SteLlacoom and Olympia, mak- 
ing close connection with steamboats, etc., for 
Skagit River and Cassiar Mines, Nanaimo, New 
Westminster, Yale, Sitka and all other impor- 
tant points. Returning, leave Seattle and Port 
Townsend on March 2d, 10th, 18th, 2lith, and 
every eighth day thereafter, and Victoria at 
12 m. on March 3d, 11th, 19th, 27th, and every 
eighth day thereafter. 

Portland, Oregon, Route.— The Oregon 
Railway and Navigation Company and the Pa- 
cific Coast Steamship Company dispatch from 
Spear Street Wharf one of the steamships 
STATE OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON or CO- 
LUMBIA, carrying the United States Mail. 
Sailing day§— March 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th, 
25th, 30th, April 4th, and every following fifth 
day for Portland ind Astoria, Oregon. 

Eureka and Dnmboldt Bay Route.— 

Steamer CITY OF CHESTER sails from San 
Francisco for Eureka, Areata, Hooktoo (Hum- 
bolt Bay) every Wednesday at 9 A. m. 

Point Arena and Mendocino Route.— 

8teamer YAQUINA sails from Broadway 
Wharf, San Francisco, at 3 p. m. every Monday 
for Point Arenas, Cuffey's Cove, Little River 
and Mendocino. 

TICKET OFFICE, 214 Montgomery St. 

(Opposite the Rues House) 

G00DALL, PERKINS & CO,, General Agents 
No. 10 Market St., San Francisco. 



The Great Burlington Route 

CHICAGO, BURLINGTON & 
QUINCY RAILROAD. 

EASTWARD. 



Is Thb Old Favorite and Pbinoipal 
Line From 

omaha, kansas city, atchison 

and ST. JOSEPH 

For CHICAGO, 

ST. LOUIS, 

MILWAUKEE, 

Detroit, Niagara Falls, 
NEW YORK, BOSTON, 

And all points East and Southeast. 

THE LINE COMPRISES nearly 4,000 
miles. Solid, Smooth Steel Track. All 
connections are made in UNION DE- 
POTS. It has a National Reputation as 
being THE GREAT THROUGH CAR- 
LINE and is universally conceded to be 
the FINEST EQUIPPED railroad in the 
World for all classes of travel. 

Try it, and you will find traveling a 
luxury instead of a discomfort. 

Through Tickets via this celebrated line 
for sale at all offices in the West. 

All information about Rates of Fare, 
Sleeping - Car Accommodations, Time 
Tables, etc., will be cheerfully given by 
applying to 

PERCEVAL LOWELL, 
Gen'l Passenger Agt., Chicago, IHsj 

T. J. POTTER, 

Gen'l Manager, Chicago. Ills. 



SOUTH PACIFIC COAST 
RAILROAD. 

Passenger Trains leave Station, foot of Market 
street, South Side at 

8 '1(1 A - M -' n^i'y. Alvarado, Newark, Cen- 
■ OU terville, Alvieo, Santa Clara, SAN 
JOSE, Los Oatos, Wrights, Glenwood, Felton, 
Big Trees, SANTA CRUZ and all Way Stations. 

2 .Qfl '' ^ (except Sunday), Express: Mt. 
,OU Eden, Alvarado, Newark, Centervillo, 
Alviso, Agnewa, Santa Clara, SAN JOSE, Los 
Oatos and all station to SANTA CRUZ. 

A'QIl P " M "! dai, y. forSAN JOSE, LosGatos 



HAYS 



d intermediate points. SATUR- 
d SUNDAYS to SANTA CRUZ. 



fl>r EXCURSIONS TO SANTA CRUZ AND 
<X>0 S2.50 to SAN JOSE, on SATURDAY'S 
ond SUNDAYS, to return until MONDAY, in. 
elusive. 

8 a nn A. M., every Sunday, excursion to 
.UU SAN JOSE, BIG TREES and SANTA 
CRUZ. 
mo to BIG TREES and SANTA CRUZ. ,:7I 

A ■ yc to SANTA CLARA and SAN JOSE. 

TO llikLAMl AND ALAMEDA. 

§0.00, 86.30, §7.00, 7.30, S.0O, 8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 
10.O0, 10.30, 11.00, 11.30 A. M. "112.00, 12.30, 
■|1 00 1.30, 112.00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 4 00, 4.30, 5.00 
6.30, 0.00, 0.30, 7.00, 7.30, 8.30, 10.45, 11.45 P.M. 

From Fourteenth and Webster streets, 
Oakland- 55.30, §0.00, §0.30, 7.00, 7.30.8.00, 
8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 10.00, 10.30, 111.00, 11.30 A. M. 
112.00, 12.30, 11.00, 1.30, 2.00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 
4.00, 4.30, 5.00, 6.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.0O, 7.30, 9.30, 
10.45, 11.45 P. M. 

From High street, Alameda— §5-16, §6.46, 
§6.16, 6.46, 7.16, 7.46, 8.16, 8.46. 9.16. 9.40, 
10.10, 110.40, 11.16, 111.46 A. M. 12 16, 112.46, 
1.16, 1.40, 2.16, 2.46, 3.16, 3.46, 4 16, 4.46, 6.10, 
6.46, 6.16, 6.46, 7.10, 9.10, 11.31 P. M. 

§ Sundays excepted. 

1 Saturdays and Sundays only. 

TICKET, Telegraph and Transfer offices 222 
Montgomery street, S. F. 

L. FILLMORE, R. M. GARRATT, 

Superintendent. G. F. & P. Act. 



The Cocoa Crop is Short. 

Look Out for Adulterations. 

By Using 

WALTER BAKER & CO'S 

Chocolate 

You will be Sure of Secur- 
ing the Best. 

WIH. T. COLEMAN * CO. 

Sole Agents" 



THOMAS HALL'S 



GREAT ENGLISH 
REMEDY 

Ie a certain cure for 
Nervous Debility, 
Loat Vitality, and 
all the evil effecte of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. 
DR. MINTIE.who 
a regular physi- 
cian, graduate <>i 
the University of 
Pennsylvania, will agree to forfeit Five Hun- 
dred Dollars for a case of the kind the VITAL 
RESTORATIVE (under his special advice and 
treatment) will not cure. Price $1.50 a bottle ; 
four times the quantity, 85. bent to any address, 
Confidentially, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D.,No. 
H Kearny street, S. F. Send for pamphlet. 

S&MPLE BOTTLE, FREE, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating symptoms, sex 
and age. Strict secrecy in all transactions. 




T D. McILAV, General Agent 

Hanibal and St. Joseph and 
Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroads, 
33 Montgomery Street. 



DR. ROWAS'S 

FAMOUS REMEDY 

FOR 

SEA SICKNESS. 





ABSOLUTELY PURE 

A delightful appetizer, giving tone ana strength 
to the stomach, and as a tonic beverage it has no 
equal; will euro Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Fever 
and Ague, Biliousness, General Debility and 
kindred diseases. 

ThiB tonic is most beneficial in its results ; it 
braces the system, creates an appetite, and de- 
stroys that wretched feeling of ennui which we 
constantly labor under in this enervating climate. 
The tonic for its medical qualities excelB any 
other ever offered to the public, having taken the 
first premium at the fairs of Sacramento, San 
Jobc, Stockton, Oakland and San Francisco for 
absolute purity, made from pure California Port 
Wine, Wine of Ptpsin and Elixir Calisaya. 

4a7"ForBale everywhere throughout the State. 
Depot at JAMES H. GATES'drugstore, cor.New 
Montgomery and Howard streets, San Francisco. 

DR. LIEBM,'g 

WONDERFUL 

GERMAN 
INVIGORATOR, 

The greater t remedy 
for the cure of NervouB 
and Physical Debility, 
Vital Exhaustion, 
Weakness, 1 oss of Vi- 
tality, and all the re- 
sults of in: discretions, etc. The German Treat- 
ment prevents permanently all unnatural losses 
from the system. 

The Doctor, a regular college physician from 
Europe, will agree to forfeit $1,000 for a case un- 
dertaken not cured. The reason thousands can 
not get cured of Weakness, Lost Vitality, and 
the above Diseases is owing to a complication 
called PROSTATORRHEA, with Hyperesthesia, 
which requires special treatment. 

DR. LIEBIG'S INVIGORATOR No. 2 is the 
only POSITIVE CURE for PROSTATORRHEA. 
Price of either Invigorator $2; case of six bot- 
tle, $10. 

DR. LIEBIG & CO., for the past seventeen 
years have made an exclusive specialty of Dis- 
eases of Men. Disease, however induced, speed - 
il , thoroughly and permanently cured, recent 
cases in a few days; inveterate caaeB skillfully 
treated; choiges moderate. 

If pimples appear on the face, if you become 
listless and despondent look out for the compli- 
cation with Vital Weakness and loss of Vitality 
known as Prostatorrhea. Hundreds of liveB 
have been lost for the want of proper treatment 
for this complication, and thousands have lost 
all their property and pleasure in life from its 
effects. A perfect and permanent cure will be 
guaranteed in any case undertaken, under our 
special advice and treatment. 

Call or address DR. LIEBIG & CO., 400 
Geary Street, San Francisco. Private en- 
trance, 406 Mason street, four blocks up 
Geary Btreet from Kearny. 
Most Powerful Electric Belts free to patients. 
M3T To prove the wonderful power of the LN- 
VIGORATORS a $2 bottle given free. 

Consultation, advice and examination free and 
private. 



BILLIARDS. 



J. D. SPRECKELS & BROS., 

Shipping and Commission 

!Mer c h. an ts. 

AGENTS FOR 

Sprockets' Line of Hawaiian PaeketB, 
S. S. Hepwortu's Centrifugal Ma- 
chines. Heed's Patent Pipe 
and Boiler Covering. 

No. 327 Market Street, 

Corner Fremont SAN FRANCISCO 



P. LIESENFELD, Manufacturer, 

ESTABLISHED 1859. 

SOLK AGBNTS KOR TUB ONLT OBNPINB 

Patent Steel Plate Cushion, 

Guaranteed for Ten YearB. 

The MokI Elegniit Slock or Billiard and 

Pool Tubles on (he Puclflc toast. 

9 4 5 Folsom Street, 

NEAR SIXTH. 

Prices SO per cent. Lower than any 

other tlouiie on the roast. 

£&■ SEND FOR A CATALOGUE. *«» 




t3F Cures wire 

UNPAILIHO B E- 
tainty Nervous 
and Physical De 
bility, Vital Ex- 
hauation, Weak- 
neB9, Lose of Vi- 
tality, and all the 
terrible rcsults'of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. It pre- 
vents permanent- 
y all weakening 
drains upon the 
the Bj'Htem. >brmanii.nt • ubeb Guaranteed. 
I rice $2.50 per bottle, or five bottles $10.00. 
To be had only of DR. C. D. SALFIELD, 216 
Kearny street, tan FranciBco. 

TRIAL BOTTLE FREE. 
Sufficient to show its merit, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating his symptoms and 
age.. Communications strictly confidential. 



WILLIAMS, DIMOND & CO. 

SHIPPING AND 

Commission Merchants, 

UNION BLOCK, 
Junction Market and Pine Streets. 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



AGENTS FOR PACIFIC MALI S. g. 
Co.; the Pacific Steam Navigation Co.; the 
Cunard Royal Mail S. S. Co.; the Hawaiian Line; 
the China Traders' Insurance Co. (Limited); the 
Marine Insurance Co. of London ; the Baldwin 
Locomotive Works ; the Glasgow Iron Co. ; Nich, 
Ashton & Son's Salt. 



Opera Glasses 

THE LATEST JUST BECEIVED. 

1863. ONLT PEBBLE ESTAB'MT. 1884, 




MULLER'S OPTICAL DEPOT. 

136 MONTGOMERY STREET, 

Near Basil. 

Orders by Mall or Express Promptly 
Attended to. 

Compound Astigmatic Lenses 

Mounted to order at wo bourn notice. 



THE WASP. 




SCHMIDT LABEL* UTHQ,CO.,SAN FRANCISCO. 



THE DEMOCRATIC OPHELIA 

"There's Rosecrana, that's for remembrance." — Hamlet, Act IV., Scene V. 



D. ¥. LAIRD, Saa Francisco Jewelry Manufactory, 27 POST STREET, 



'CO 



CO 



ESTABLISHED 1858. 

W. K.VANDERSLICE&CO. 

MAMFACTIRLW 

Jewelers and 
Silversmiths, 

136 SUTTER ST. 

Howard, "Waltham & Elgin 

"WATCHES. 

DIAMONDS. 

Order* l>y Mall will receive Prompt 

and <ur<-riil litem hm. Goods sent 

to any pari or the stale or 

TerrtlorlPM 



FIRE. 




Optical Institute, 427 Kearny 

$2, $2.50 AND $3 

Buys the Finest Spectacles in ex- 
istence; $1, 50c. and "'5c. those 
of lower grade. AWDSTBio'Spec- 

tacles to suit the various condi- 
tions of the sight a specialty. Nn ( 
other optician has o can get sucl 
facilities as are to be found at thi: 
establishment, because ihe in 
strument used for measuring; thf 
strength of the eye is my own invention and 
patent, and is the only one ever invented that 
will give the exact amount of imperfection in 
one's sight. Beware of impostors, who tell you 
or their long experience, that they make lenses, 
etc., as the Optical Institute is the only place 
on this coast where lenses are ground to order. 
L. A. BERTLING, Scientific Optician. 
427 Kearny St. (successor to BertlingA: Watry) 




Cut this Out and Keep It for Reference. 



« CO 
<D CL 




WE&RINGthe DUPLEX GALVANIC BELT 
The unparalleled success of this medical belt 
in the cure of Nervous Weakness and Prostra- 
tion, Impotency, Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Dys- 
pepsia, Constipation and all Liver and Kidney 
Diseases, is attested by thousand who have been 
cured by it. It is not the only Galvanic Belt in 
the market, but it is the only one that ever re- 
ceived a silver medal as a premium. It is uti- 
versally acknowledged to be the best in tub 
worm). It is adapted to self-treatment and cure 
at home. Full instructions go with every belt. 
Price of belt, complete, either male or female, 
$10. Sent prepaid to any address for CASH, 
or by express C.O.D. 

Address BTPLEY GALVANIC CO., 112 
Kearny St., San Francisco, Cal. 



MARINE. 



The Largest Pacific Coast Insurance Co. 

OF CALIFORNIA 

ASSETS, 9I.SOO.000 

Home Office : & W. cor. Cal. <fr Sansome. 

SAN' IKAXIMO, . OAl. 

D. J. Staples, Prea. Alpiirhh Bull, Vice-Prea. 
Wm. J. Dprrox, Sec. E.W. CARPBNTKB,At»'tSee. 



0. I. HtTOHlNSOli. H. B. MANN. 

Hutchinson & Mann, 

INSURANCE AGENCY, 

N. i . Cor. l ullfurnlii and Sunsunie Sis. 

OAHB ASSETS REPBK8ENTED. S23.613.618 
W. L. ctioltuere, Z. P. Clark, Bpeclal AKentfl 
aii-1 Adjusters, (.'apt. A. M. L-uriin, Marine 
Rnrmyny. 



THE UNIVERSAL 

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIA- 
TION of California for 
Unmarried Persons. 

OFFICE. 1038 MISSION ST. 



6-fc SEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUES and LISTS 



M 



ODEL 

OST 



MUSIC OTORE 
ARKED VUCCESS. 



HAZELTON PIANOS. 

Unequalled for Tone and Brilliancy. 

BENHAM PIANOS, HOME MANUFACTURE. 

First-Class and Medium Price. 



MARKET HE- .STELE 



aton 
am 



©STBEST EDITIONS SHEET MUSIC 10 CTS. A COPY. 



USE 
Dr. 

HENLEY'S 




BITTERS 



The Great Tonic of the Nineteenth Century. 



OVERLAND SHORT LINE 
<.. u.rnl Ticket omio, 2 MONTGOMERY ST., In 



'llliico Huli'l. 



CHICAGO & NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY 

NOT ONLY THE PIONEER LINE 

But Acknowledged to be the 

VERY BEST LINE ON THE CONTINENT. 
... II. KAVIES. Cciirrnl Agent. 



'■ THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST." 

Total Ikcrvasb ovkr Thirteen Millions. 

surplus above liabiutirs 0v8r ten millions. 

Buy your Insurance in the 

N. Y. LIFE INSURAECE CO. 

Total Assets, - $.".3.r>4'J,O0'i.73 

Total Increase, 813,6GI..1i>0.<iC 

Those fnahing a sale and secure Life Policy, at 
liberal terms, can apply to A. ii. HALVES, 
Manager fur Pacific Const, 2i!0 Sanbomb St., S.F. 




PHOTOGRAPHER., 

8 Montgomery Street, San Francisco. 



H. L. Dodge 
L H. Swcem 



J. R Buggies, 

F. \Y. Van Sicklen. 



DODGE, SWEENEY & CO., 

Wholesale Provision Dealers and 
Commission Merchants, 

114-116 MARKET & 11-13 CALIFORNIA, 

Sole Agents for "Libby, McNeill & Libby's 

Canned Sleats," "H. M. Dupee's Chicago Hams." 

P. O. Box 1249. 



W. T. COLEMAN & CO , 

Shipping and Commission 
Merchants, 

S. E. Cor. Market and Slain streets, 
SAM FRANCISCO. 



I CHI BAN 



SEE ADVEKTISEMENT ON DBAMATIC PACE. 



STEINWAY PIANOS. 

Exclusively used by PATH, GEISTER and DOTTI. 

MATTHIAS GRAY. Sole Agent, 206 POST ST., S. F. 



SELBY SMELTING AND LEAD COMPANY, 

416 Montgomery Street, San Francisco 

Gold and Silver Bennery and Assay Offlce. 
Highest Prices Paid for Gold, Silver and Lead Ores and Sulphurcts. Manufacturers of BLUE- 
STONE Also Lead Pine, Sheet Lead, Shot, etc. This Company has the best facilities on the 
Coast for working GOLD, SILVER and LEAD in ^SomTwa, ^^^ 



W. G. Badger, 

SOLE AGENTS KOK 

HALLET. DAVIS & CO'S 

CELEBRATED 

PIANOS. 

Geo. Woods & Co's Parlor and Vestry Organs, 

»o. i:i Snnsiinie Street, s. I. 

BEFORE BUYING YOUR 

SAFE 

Call and see our large stock. 
BooODd-haad Safes always 
on hand. Safes sold on the 
Installment Plan. 

Halls Safe and Lock Co., 

811 A 813 CAL1FOKM4 ST., S.F. 

CEORGE MORROW & CO-, 

Established 1854. 

Hay, Grain & Commission 

Merchants. 

SHIPPING tllr.lll.lts A SPECIALTY. 

39 Clay Street, San Francisco. 




A REVOLUTION 

IN THE 

TREATMENT OF DISEASE- 
MAGNETIC SHIELDS, 

The Great Curative Agent of 
oar Times. 

RHEUMATISM, NEURALGIA 
and DYSPEPSIA cannot 
exist whore these Shields are 
worn. Nothing in the history 
of our world equals the wonder- 
ful cures wrought by wearing 
our Magnetic Shields. A 
single pair of our 

FOOT BATTERIES 
will convince any skeptic of the 
truth of what we say. Try a 
pair. Price $1, by mail, to any 
address. Send forour new book, 
"A Plain Road to Health." Free 

Chicago & San Francisco 
Magnetic Shield Co. 
106 post street, 
San Francisco, Cal. 




Try Crittenden's 

DYSPEPSIA BITTERS. 

Office and Depot : 
1735 & 1737 MARKET ST. 

P. Dauscher & Co., Proprietors. 

E. H. Crittenden & Clias. P. Fulton, Managers. 

L. D. STONE & CO., 

(Successors to R. Stone,) 

MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF 

Harness, Saddles.Saddlery.Hard- 

ware, Collars, Whips, Ropes, 

Horse Blankets, 

And all kinds of Harnbss & Patent Leathers, 
422 A 424 Battery Street, 

Cor. Washington, San FranciBco. 

S. W. RAVELEY, 

Book and Job Printer, 

518 CLAY STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery & Sansome, San Francisco. 



BETTER THAN GOLD. 




J3U.ClW^GiS6F only at 1 llG J-dOllVTC, Phelan Block, cor. Dupont St. 



Agents 
for 



ARION 1«S PIANO. 



Tou can save 25 per 

cent, by buying 

your Piano of 



E. DUNN & CO. .MJSSf*.. 



a 



MQRAaHAN'SllQZEfQYSfERS, 75c. per Pan, 68 ft 69 California Market. 



Coal. •a fc Ji MACDONOUaH & CO., 41 MARKET STREET.-SH Coal 




Everybodys Plumber, 

(Established I860,) 

No. 505 KEARNY ST. 



DON'T BUY 
a DRIED-UP 

IMPORTED 

H a r n ess, 
when you can 
purchase are- 
liable home- 
ma£ehirne, c s 
for le^s muti- 
For a 
_ ' pood, cheay 
:,, Er^T7£tf'4 r -&'' : sv harness, ask 

Erice, $20 per set. Am now making of this niim- 
er 75 set per month. Our No. 20 is waved traces, 
scalloped lays, a reliable goud style business har- 
ness; price per set, $30. Now making of this Dum- 
ber 40 sets perm.mth. Don't buy until you exam- 
ine our line of work. Prices range from 810 to §90 
lor single, and $20 to $200 for double harness. 

"W. DAVIS, 410 Market street. 
SEND FOR CATALOGUE. 




ETJBEKA 
COTTON 

GARDEN HOSE 



Stronger three to one, and lighter two to one, 
than the best four-ply Rubber Hose ; and if left 
out in the sun and air continuously, or, if put 
away, put away dry, will stand the roughest 
kind of usage and will last for years. 

Also, RUBBER HOSE of extra quality and at 
ow price. 

W. T. V. SCHENCK, 
36 California St., Sail Francisco, Cal. 




Throat, 



Catarrh, 



IT WILL CURE 

CONSUMPTION.' 



P. O. Box, 1886. 
Address: 




Lungs, 



Fevers. 



S. J. LEVY, Proprietor 
D. J. LEVY, Cutter. 

Samples 



application. 



%.<&. 




To 
Order. 



Pants, - $5 

Dress Pants, 8 

Suits, - - - - 20 

Dress Suits, - - - 35 



TRADE MARK. 
Patented Feb 20, 18S3. 



For Coughs, Colds, 
Whooping Coughs and 
all Throat affections 



it has no equal. 




VALENTINE II4SS1IKK. 933 Washington St:, eor. Powell, S. F. 



JNO. LEVY & CO., 

Makers and Importers of Fine Jewelry, 

DIAMONDS, PRECIOUS STONES, WATCHES, 

SILVERWARE, CARRIAGE and MANTEL 

Clocks, Opera-glasses, Fans, Etc., 

118 SITTTER STREET San Franelseo, Cal. 



GIVE THY SON A LIBERAL EDUCATION. 1 



PACIFIC BUSINESS nOLLEGE 
LIFE MEMBERSHIP ^H SEND FOR I ■ 320 P i >ST 

ONLY £70 j^f CIRCULAR. ^0 *»^Vf ST. 



HIBERNIA BREWERY, 

Beer and Porter Wholesale. 



1229 HOWARD ST. 

MATTHEW NUNAN, Prop. 

(AMOUNT »Ol» IN 1883: 
30,000 Barrels. 



"The Wine of the Elite." 




UNEXCELLED FOR 
BOUQUET! 
DELICACY ! 
DRYNESS! 



ONLY PRODUCERS OF 

Natural Sparkling Wines 

ON THE PACIFIC COAST. 

530 WASHINGTON ST S.F. CAL. 
PRODUCED BY FERMENTATION IN THE BOTTLE. 



D 



R. ZEILE'S INSTITUTE 

(Established 1852.) 

Tbe Largest, Airiest and Best BATHS on (lie Pacilic Const. TURKISH, 
RUSSIAN, SlEAM, SULPHUR or MEDICATED BATHS for Ladies and Gentle- 
men. All on tbe Ground Floor (no basement. > 

5^2 and 528 PACIFTC STBEET. S. F. 



INDESTRUCTI- 



BLE EYE-GLASSES. 




WITH PATENT EASY 

NOSE-FIECE. 



KOHLER Jt CHASE, 137 to 139 Post St., 

Sole Agents for the Celebrated 

Decker Bro'sPiano 

AIbo for the 
FISCHEB, Ike I ; LI III and the BEIIN- 
ING PlanuM. 

Cash or installments. Largest Piano and Music 
House on the Coast. 




THE BOSS, 

FOR SALE BY 

Pacific Saw 

Manufacturing Company, 

Nos. 17 and 1» Fremont Street, S. F.N 

Complete with Pacific Saw Manufacturing 
Company's Extra Blade, Set and Filed ready for 
work, $1.50 sach. 

Charles R. Allen, 

Importer and Dealer in 
HOUSE, STEAM, FOUNDRY AND 

CUMBERLAND COAL. 

AGENT PITTSBURG COAL MINING CO. 
130 BEALE STREET. 




PAEAGE DYE WORKS. 



DYING. CLEANING, 

ARD RESTORING. 

Best and Cheapest 

In the City. 



Main Office, 633 MARKET ST., Palace Hotel. 

Oakland Ofliee. 1103 BROADWAY, cor. 13th. 
HOLMES, PROPRIETOR. 



Works, 310-212 RIDLEY ST. 
CHAS. J. 



Merchants' and Tourists' 
Headquarters, 



THE BALDWIN.. 1 



The Leading Hotel of San Francisco. 

H. H. PlERSON, PROPRIETOR. 

Harden nergh, Cblef Clk. M. A. Frencb, Cashier 



Buy FURNITURE of the INDIANAPOLIS CHAIR M'FG COMPANY, 

750 MISSION STREET, and Save 1 5 per cent. Largest Stock in the City. 



PtTPPirP'.Q FRENCH RESTAURANT, j 



Private Rooms for Families. 



■Bfl 



'* •"•"" 



1 19 fb \A OFARRELL ST. 

' r iW *LX Ft t* ncarJ&LarJrp.t And Thmrnit. 



t 



t 




VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 2. 



Price }- 



SAN FRANCISCO, SaTL'KDAY, JULY 12, 1884. 



-{ lO CENTS. 



The LARGEST HAT STORE on this COAST. 

Herrmann, The Hatter. 

( C. Herrmann k Co. ) 
332 to 336 Kearny Street, 

Between Blsh and Pine Sts. San Francisco. 

FINEST PHOTOS IN THE CITY 



IMPERIAL GALLERY, 

724 > 2 Market Street, 
the celebrated 

CHAMPAGNE WINES 

Of Messrs. Deutz & Gelderman, Ay, en Champagne. 

Cachet (Blanc, r™ s« . . \ E *%lJl?™<i%n C T"- 

Cabinet Gran Sent j 1 " Baskets.^Qnarts and 



zj^.u H/:„„ \ InCasesfromG M.Pabst- 

Hock Wines \ ^^ SohnF Mainz , 

CHARLES MEINECKE & CO., 

Importers and Sole Agents, 
314 SACRAMENTO STREET. SAN FRANCISCO. 

THE NEVADA BANK 

OF SAN FRANCISCO. 

CAPITAL PAID UP, - - - $3,<*»,°«>- 

Agency at New York 62 Wall Street. 

Agency at Virginia, Nevada. 
Buys and sells Exchange and Telegraphic Transfers. Issues 
Commercial and Travelers' Credits. 

CALIFORNIA 

SAFE DEPOSITITRUST CO. 

326 MONTGOMERY ST., SAN FRANCISCO. 

J. D. Fry, "Pres.; C. R. Thompson (late of Union Trust Co., 
N. V.) Treas.; Wm. Cunningham, Sec. 

CAPITAL PAID UP AND SURPLUS, - $925,000. 

Interest Allowed on Deposits, 

At 3 per cent, per annum for Deposits to remain 30 days or 
longer ; 2 per cent, on Deposits subject to check at sight. 
Loans made on Collateral Security. 

Vault Department : Safes, $2 to $20 per month, $15 to $200 
per year. Valuables of all kinds received on Special Deposit 
for safe keeping. Open 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., S. E. cor. Montgomery 
and California Streets. Gen'l W. L. Elliott, Vice-Pres. 

F. E. R. Whitney, Sup't and Chief of Patrol. 



CHARLES DIETLE, 
PRIZE BOOT MAKER, 

235 Bush St., San Francisco. 



SHIPPER & SCHWARTZ, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

733 Market Street, - Opposite Dupont, 

san francisco, cal. 

Sol. SHIPPER, formerly of San Jose, and late from 
Portland, Oregon. 



PRIZE- 



BOOT AND SHOE MAKER. 



JOHN LTSCHIG, 



326 Bush Street, 



San Francisco. 



BURR & FINK, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

620 Market Street, 
opposite palace hotel entrance. 

Great Blood Purifier. 

DRINK 

African Stomach Bitters. 

Most Agreeable Tonic ever Prepared. 

THE CALIFORNIA 

Savings and Loan Society, 

JUNCTION MARKET AND POWELL STS. 



Deposits received. Loans made on city and country property 
at low rates. 

SAN FRANCISCO WIRE WORKS. 

C. H. GRUENHAGEN, % 

MANUFACTURER OF 

ALL KINDS of WIRE WORK 

669 MISSION STREET, 
BET. THIRD AND NEW MONTGOMERY. 

Best Shirts, 

Underwear and Furnishing Goods. 

CARMANY, 

25 Kearny Street. 



E. MARTIN & CO., 

Importers *nd Wholesale Liquor Dealers. 

"ARGONAUT," "I. F. COTTER," and "MILLER'S EXTRA" 

Oil, Bourdon Whiskies, 
408 FRONT STREET. SAN FRANCISCO. 

gTUDEBAKER BROS.' 

CARRIAGES AND BUGGIES 

201-207 Market Street, San Francisco. 

"White House" Whiskies, 

Holland Gin, French Brandies, Port, Sherry, 

ETC., ETC. 

In Bond or Duty Paid. 

GEORGE STEVENS, 

318 FRONT STREET, Room 2, SAN FRANCISCO. 



"EXCELSIOR!" "EXCELSIOR!" 

C. ZINNS, 
FASHIONABLE TAILOR, 

5 Montgomery St. (Masonic Temple), 
SAN FRANCISCO. 

donald McMillan, 

Manufacturer and Dealer in 

SYRUPS, CORDIALS, BITTERS, EXTRACTS, 

CALIFORNIA WINES, ETC. 

No. 714 Front Street, San Francisco. 

P. O. Box 1443. Telephone No. 87. 

Drink Donald McMillan's Celery Tonic ! 



A. S. Hallidie, Pres. 



Henry L- Davis, Sec'y. 



California Wire Works, 

Manufacturers and Dealers in every description of Wire Goods, 
Brass, Copper and Iron Wire Cloth, Wire Work Railings, 
Guards, Screens, Sieves, Shade Cloth, Bird Cages, Battery 
Screens, etc. 

Office and Salesroom : 
No, 6 CALIFORNIA ST., S. F. 



LEMP'S 
ST. LOUIS BEER. 



OTTO NORMANN, 

Sole Agent Pacific Coast 

WM. J. LEMP'S WESTERN BREWERY, 

ST. LOUIS, MO. 

No, 411 Bush St., San Francisco. 

Large Slock of Beer in Bulk and Bottles always on hand. 
itSTQRDERS FROM DEALERS PROMPTLY ATTENDED TO-ISJl 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES. NEC ^ u o! H K l n A d R ^? N sS2 MERY 



WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY. 

COR. I'OI IET1I .1 BRYANT STS., S. F., 
Manufacturers of and Dealers in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A Large Assortment Constantly on 
■land and Made to Order. 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 

Guaranteed. 



Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon, 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, San Franciaco. 
Fresh Bread delivered every day and cakes 
made to Order. Sole agent for RUSSTAN 
CAVIAR and WESTPHALIA HAMS. Ger- 
man Sausages. A. REUSt'HE. 



KOHLER & VAN BERGEN. 

FINE 
Old Table^ 

wines, w 

/imam>i:i. 
clarets 

HOIKS, 
PORTS. 

SHERRIES, Ele 

VAULT? : 
417, 419 Mont'ery 

Branch : 

987 to 993 Market 

- UNDER GRAND V J ,7H 
CENTRAL MARKET. 

Growers and Dealers in 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 
PRINCIPAL OFFICE: 

AI7 AIQ Mon'gomery St, 

^1 I ■ *"TI*/ saN FRANCISCO. 




Veuve Clicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

QUARTS AND P1NTB. 

A. VIGNIERTsole Agent, 

429 .1 431 BATTERY ST., S. F. 

DR. HENLEY'S 



CELERY 



Tie Greatest 
Herrae 
Known, 



BEEF 

A3 

IRON 



CLieuig's Extract), 

tlie Wonderful NatritlYe 

and Invinorator. 



(PyroinGSBliate), 

Tonic tor tie Blood, and 

Food for tne Brain. 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERY, lately pre- 
pared and sold in Portland, Or., has been exten- 
sively used in that locality and performed many 
astonishing curea. As a NERVLNE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEF and IRON has shown to possess wonderful 
power to build up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to both mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in cases of GENERAL DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA, LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared and Sold by 

TUTHILL, COX & CO., 

637 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum § Anatomy 

751 Market St. 

GO AND LEARN HOW TO 
, avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
fully you are made. 
Private Office, 811 Geary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



JOHN WIELAND 

Proprietor, 
Second St.. nr. Folsom, S.F. 



QAN CRANCISCO 

Capital Stock, 



55200,000. 

OUR LAGER BEER IS 
BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAR 
RANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANY CLIMATE. 



QTOCK DREWERI, 




Corner of Powell 

AND 

Francisco Streets 

Telephone 9012. 

Ale and Porter 

IN BULK OR BOTTLE. 



"JESSE MOORE 

WHISKEY." 

Superior in 

QUALITY 




[MOORE, 

HUNT & CO., 

417 and 419 

^Market Street, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



C. Dcweese, Jr., 

San Francisco. 

C. II. Moore, 

F 

JESSE MOORE & Co 

Louisville, Ky. 

II. B. Hunt, 

San Francisco. 



J. GUNDLACH & CO. 





RIPE OLD WINES. 

(UNSURPASSED— DELICIOUS FLAVOR.) 

Wine Vaults: Market & Second. S.F, 



THE GENUINE 

KRUG 

Champagne 

FROM FRANCE, 




IN QUARTS y/jL. r^^y 



AND 

PINTS 



."0 

SOLD 

BY ALL 

DEALERS, 
JOBBERS 
And GROCERS. 



^Private Cuvee 

Shield-Premiere Qualite. 



Beware of Imitations. 




The Favorite of = Real Con- 
noisseurs. 




H. Clausen &. Son Brewing. Co. 
EXPORT CHAMPAGNE 

Lager* Beer! 

HOITt-KD by tub 
I*II4|-.M\ ROTTM.VK CO., NEW YORK. 

Pure, Bright and Sparkling, and RECOM- 
MENDED BY LEADING PHYSICIANS as Best 
Beer for Family Use. 

ALFRED GREENEBAUM&CO. 

Sole Agents Pacific Coast. 
123 CALIFORNIA STItKET, S. F. 

For Safe Everywhere. 



K" id GLOVE R 
T/V£- 




ALWAYS 
GIVE 
SATIS- 



FACTORY ; No. 110 IWroJVT STREET, 

Bet. Gear3 - mid Poat, San Francisco. 



PREBLE : S 

OREGON CIDER. 

(Is Cases and Barbels.) 
Warranted to Keep in any Climate. 

CAL. AND OREGON CIDER CO., 
318 DAVIS STREET, S. TV 




SOLD BY 
DRUGGISTS 

AND 

GROCERS 

EVERYWHERE. 

Every Bottle 
Guaranteed. 




STANDARD LEATHER BELTING. A - 



O. COOK & SON/ 

415 MARKET STREET, 8. V. 




SAM FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, JULY 12, 188. 



gra m . 




SCHMIDT LABEL* LtTHO C0.,8AN FRANCISCO 

PIXLEY SPEEDS THE PARTING QUEST. 



THE WASP. 



THE STATUE, 



A la Comic Song and Chorus. 



I'm a theater habitue*, 

I wait for the end of the play, 

To stand with the rowdies 

And gaze at the crowd is 

The height of my glory I say. 

The newspapers call me a fool 

For haunting the gay vestibule ; 

'Tis there my parade is, 

I smile at the ladies 

And laugh at their rude ridicule ! 

Chorus— Other dukes of sweldom 
Loiter in the street 
Making conquests seldom — 
Have to be discreet. 
Happy dudes who hover 
Round the matinee 
New sweethearts' discover 
Almost every day ! 

I'm a little nearsighted I know, 

My gaiters turn in at the toe ; 

My legs are mismated, 

My head is inflated, 

I'm like a society beau ! 

The men say I'm lacking in sense, 

But then my moustache is intense 

And that makes them jealous 

Of all of us fellahs 

Because we are simply immense ! 

Chorus— Other dukes, etc. 

I never go in at the door, 

I say the performance is poor 

And smile at the play-bill 

As if I were able 

To point out defects by the score ; 

The manager loveth me not, 

He scowls as he passes the spot ; 

He'd send me to Hades 

And that I'm afraid is 

A place inconveniently hot ! 

Chorus— Other dukes, etc. 



San Francisco, July, 1884. 



-Sheldon Borden. 



THEY WATERED THEIR bTOCK, 



The Dawn of Sacramento's Maritime Grandeur. 



When the hydraulic mines were enjoined the capital city of California 
began to loom up as a maritime port. The prospect of winter floods flowing 
clear and unslicked again from the rock-ribbed sides of the snowy Sierras, 
and ground-sluicing out the river-bed to its original level, shook up Sacra- 
mento to see the dawn of a deep-water day. The weather-worn wharves 
where once the fleet Chrysopolis, New World and Amador of the high-old 
goodlie, golden time, and the Antelope and Julia of a lower, younger, later 
period, swung to taut breast-lines, awoke from their long sleep. In antici- 
pation the Western and Orleans hotel runners took their stations in the 
vacant gangways and the gray-headed gambler tottered down to the river- 
bank to intercept the "dust " of the home-returning miner aa of the pioneer 
yore. The yellow stream, now amply navigable during the summer season 
to a four-foot sturgeon or a middle-sized mud hen, would once more swell 
to the swiah-swish of the Whipple-wheel or the triumphant tones of the 
ateam calliope. 

To carry her wheat, peaches and alfalfa-bales Friscoward, Sacramento 
would have a new river-marine— not builded of the skyey-pine that grows 
" where rolls the Oregon," but of iron, from over the Alleghanies. So 
while the spring freshets were washing out the slickens, the initiatory keel 
was hammered into fitness. A jaunty steam-yacht with thirty-five feet 
length and cleaving the tide with sis feet beam would the first craft be. A 
stock company was formed and the gallant warriors o' wind and waves 
plowed up and down the levee longing to battle with the unconquerable, 
restless sea. _ Every rivet that sank into those iron sides was one more inch 
nearer the time when they would muster on her quarterdeck and the propel- 
ler would churn them far over the western billows to Yolo county. Ah ! 

Their hopes triumphant o'er their fears (of a ducking) 
Were all with her— were all with her ! 

Last Saturday the pretty little steamer waB finished and trucked from 
the machine shops to the brink of her future native -element, the yachtmen 
and a great crowd convoying her home. A Marysville lady with mali- 
cious spirit unparalleled had inflicted the innocent craft with the fatal name 
of Azalea and to seal her doom securely the builder's sweetheart had 
worked the deadly appellation on the silk streamer that hung from her jack- 
staff. Under these unfavorable circumstances the affair could only end as it 
did. Champagne and cigars were spread out with lavish hand, in a neigh- 
boring yard for the invited club-guests and a brass band was spread out 
along the shore to blow a thrill of life along her keel. The vessel was 



placed, steam up and engineer aboard, on two timbers leading down at 
rather a steep incline into the river where the water deepened almost ab- 
ruptly to a six fathom depth. 

At the last exultant toot of the band the little daughter of one of the 
stockholders would break the traditional wine-bottle, all ropes would be cut 
and then the steamer was confidently expected to move swiftly down the 
ways to the water and frog-fashion jump in. On second thought, however, 
the father lifted the little girl out of the steamer, very wisely concluding 
not to incur the expense of a funeral in his family just then. 

At length all was ready and the band played " Sherman's March to the 
Sea." Captain Foster of the United States snag-boat took the honorary 
place at the helm and the engineer was directed to shake up his machinery. 
The supreme second has arrived ! Soon she will be thrown to the flood like 
the Egyptian virgin into the Nile ! 

" There she stands 
With her foot upon the sands 
Decked with flag and streamer gay, 
In honor of her marriage day." 

Then the master with a gesture of command yelled "Let her It. I. P. 1" 
She starts — she, etc. — she, etc. See Longfellow. 

" And spurning with her foot the ground, 
She rolled into the river's arms- 
like a pot ! 

The crew was pulled half drowned from the water and the yacht 
Azalea, the avant courier of Sacramento's maritime splendor, lies full 
fathom six in her cradle of slickens. Tom Gregory. 

Sacramento, July 1, 188J/,. 

GERMAN COMMENTS ON A BONANZA KING, 



There is an item now roving through the newspapers which states that 
at a feast given by Mr. Mackay in Paris, the guests were invited to carry 
home with them the gold tablets on which the bill of fare was engraved. 
This is of course the case, but it is nothing unusual at Mr. Mackay's enter- 
tainments, since it is the rule that everything shall be taken away from 
them. Mr. Mackay is accustomed never to use any article a second time. 
This extends to everything necessary at a banquet, from the soup to the 
table linen. The result of this is that at the close of Mr. Mackay's suppers 
nothing remains to show that a party took place. The servants have nothing 
to do but to take the chairs away from the table. With the soup, the stews 
and the wines that have been poured out this custom is somewhat burden- 
some to the guest. With the roasts, the knives, forks and spoons it is easier. 
To wrap up the cakes and tarts, drawings and water-colors by Meisonnier 
and other masters are handed round. The last guest has the duty of taking 
with him the table-aervice and the table-cloth and napkins. This is why 
Mr. Mackay's company remain so late into the night, because each one wishes 
to be the last. To rid himself of thia crowning discomfort of a party, Mr. 
Mackay now desires that at his next entertainment the tables and chairs 
shall be also -carried off. It need scarcely be mentioned that each guest re- 
ceives at the house-door from the girl who lights him down stairs a consid- 
erable sum of drink- money. — Berlin Kl adder •adatsck. 



AN UNLUCKY OLD MAN, 



" I hope that you will be easy with me, your Honor. I am an old man 
and in tough luck." 

" You look it, 1 ' said the Judge. 

' ' Yes, I am. You wouldn't believe it, but I have been struck by lightning 
a good many times." 

" Is it possible 1 I thought that lightning never struck twice in the same 
place. " 

*■' The kind of lightning that struck me does." 

" What kind is that?" 

t( Jersey lightning." — Exchange, 



Frank Helm, Treasurer of the Latonia Jockey Club, bought a horse 
which was represented as being speedy. After some weeks of practice he 
concluded that the best thing he could do with the horse was to sell him at 
auction. The bidding slowly ran up from ©2.40 to $50, and Frank appeared 
on the scene just aa the auctioneer was crying : 

" Going, going, go " 

" What's that, Mr. Auctioneer?" shouted Frank. 

(t I said he waa going, Mr. Helm, at " 

" Well, for heaven's sake, don't stop him. I had him aix months and 
couldn't make him go, and if you've got him started, keep him at it ! " 
The horse went. — Merchant Tvaveler. 



Of Lulie, Susie, Kannie I would read ; 

Of Nellie, Lillie, Minnie, and the games 
They play at composition ; much we need 

The sweet-girl graduates with baby names ? 

Do Mamie, Birdie, Sadie, write this year ? 

And Mattie, Lizzie, Jennie? Language lames 
In telling just how each of these appear — 

The sweet-girl graduates with baby names ! 

And what of Lottie, Hattie, Carrie, too ? 

And Maggie, Tillie, Lillie ? What so tames 
All savage men, and makes them good and true, 

As sweet-girl graduates with baby names? 

Rufus Choate once said, with a humorous solemnity: "Let me give 
you my dying advice : Never cross-examine a woman j it is no use. They 
cannot disintegrate the story they have once told — they cannot eliminate 
the part that is for you from that which is against you. They can neither 
combine nor evade nor qualify. They go for the whole thing, and the mo- 
ment you begin to cross-examine one of them, instead of being bitten by a 
single rattlesnake, you are bitten by a whole barrel full. I never, excepting 
in a case absolutely desperate, dare to cross-examine a woman." 



THE WASP. 



S 



THE PRESS ASSOCIATION, 



1 The Press Association "—that is fine— 
A name to conjure with ; along the line 
Of every railroad in the land 'tis known, 
And ticket agents hear it with a groan. 
The honest tramp who, though he doesn't pay, 
Yet on the brake-beam makes his modest way, 
Inspires less loathing -less exasperates 
Than banded beggars who demand half-rates, 
Beneath such rags as Lazarus ne'er had, 
Each man in black-mail formidably clad. 
The country Boniface beholds with fear 
Their hungry legions drawing darkly near 
To treat for terms, flies frightened to the street 
And breaks his neck by falling o'er his feet, 
Glad from the alternative to be dragooned — 
His larder gutted or himself lampooned. 
Men organize for many reasons some 
For sounding titles, hollow as a drum, 
For gorgeous raiment these ; those for some rite 
Obscure as that of cats at dead of night ; 
Still others to enjoy a pomp when dead 
That on their pauper lives will ne'er be shed ; 
This Press Association heads the cry. 
Its plan is simple but its purpose high ; 
Founded and organized in open day 
To " get its arms in " and to " beat its way ! " 



LITTLE JOHNNY. 



How Master Samuel Doppy toas surprised— Monstrous Teaching of the Clergy — 
Science and the Sailors ; or the Difference between a Lark and a Flying 
Fish — Melancholy Fate of the Buffalo Calf and how It became a superior 
Attraction — The American Menagerie in India, with some Account of Its 
many interesting Exhibits and the Ticket Takers generous Offer to a Com- 
patriot. 



One time wen Sammy Doppy was to our house, Billy he shode him a 
piece of dry Bpundge and Bed, Billy did : " I geas if a feller was hit in the 
face with that he wude be a atonish like he had ben kick by a mule." 

Then Sammy he tuke it in his hand and he aed, " I jeat leef be hit with 
sech a thing aa not, and Ide only jeat laughf." 

So Billy he aed, " Wei, you think you are a mighty good fighter, like 
Sulvan, I spoae, but if you jeat stand there and shot yure eys lie kanock 
you out in one round with that apundge." 

Sammy he shet hia eys up reel tite, cos he al ways plays fair, and Billy 
he dipped the apundge in a bucket of wotter and it sweld up big like yure 
hed, but Missus Doppy, wich ia Sammys mother, she haa got a red hed, an 
ole Gaffer Peterses haint got any hair on it. Then Billy he let fly with the 
apundge and hit Sammy in the face, splash, wich fel down and bellerd like 
he was a braa band. 

MiBter Pitchel, thata the preecher, he says a apundge iaent a vedgetible 
but a animel, but were is its legs, Ide like to kanow, and wot does it eat ? 
Uncle Ned he says them preecher fellers is mity hard pushed for lies when 
thay got to say that a spundge ia a animel, and prety aoon thay will be sayn 
that a wale iaent a fish, and taken up a election for to spred it. 

Jack Brily, wich U the whicked sailer, he says one time he waa on a 
Bhip and there was a ole feller wich waa a sientificle man. Once there was 
lots of flyin fishes and the ole man he aed, " I have all waya main taind that 
larks was a quatic in their habbita, but no body wude bleeve me. Now He 
ehow em." 

So he got his skoop net and cot one and put hia spettacles on and luked 
at it, and the sailers thay all atude a round, lookn real aolem, and dident say 
nothin. Bime by the scientificle ole man he took the flyin fiah in hiB hand 
and wacked it down onto the deck and stompt on it with one of his feets til 
it was nothin but only jest paste, and then he turned and looked at the Bail- 
era, black like he was a clowd, and said, " You gum dasted bacteria, wot do 
you kanow about sience wich have got yure educasion at the rope's end and 
no body 'the wiser for it ? " 

Then one of the aailera he tuched off hie hat and sed, the sailer did, 
" If you please, sir, me an my mateB knows we aint got much larnin, but we 
alows we can tel the differnce tween a flyin fiah and a lark. " 

The fewriouB ole man he sed wot waa the differnce, then, and the sailer 
he spoke up a other time and aaid, " A flyne fish is wot you have jest danced 
a horn pipe on to, but larka is a kind of hog." 

Hogs roots, but a caf it sucks, and wen it dont get anoughf it buta, and 
the ole cow she jeat lifts up her nine leg an seta it down in a other place, 
much as to say, " Hellup yure self to wot you Bee before you." 

One time there was a cow wich had a caf, an the caf was kep shet up in 
a vacant lot, and the cow wude come home at night for to let the caf sucker. 
One day wile the ole cow was gone the man, wich was funny, he sole the caf 
to the butcher and borrowed a buflo caf from Woodwerd'a Gardens, cos he 
knew Mister Woodwerd, and put the buflo caf in the lot. You never seen 
sech a hunchy lookn caf, and hair loDg like my sisters hair when she is a 
cobming it for to see her yung man. Hern is brown, but hisen is parted in 
the middle. 

Wen the ole cow she come home ahe luked thru the fence an aee the 
buflo caf, an she was a stonish. She luked a wile, and then she shuke her 
hed, and then she rubd her eys with her kanees, and then bime by ahe bellerd 
real low, but it dident sound very soshiable. Then the buflo caf it looked 
at her, sprised, out of its eys, much as to say, " Mity glad for to meet you, 
but I geaa you made a mistake." 

Then the ole cow she luked at the trees and the houses a wile, an bime 
by ahe wocked away to the corner and luked at the names of the streets on 



the lamp poaat. Then ahe ran back, bellering and switchin her tail, and put 
her head down, and tore the fence a way, and hooked that buflo caf ao 
fritefle that it took four men and thre doga and a pitch fork for to xplain 
the mis take to her, you never see sech a pick nick ! 

Wen it was all over, the calf waB took back to Woodwerd'a Garden in a 
whagon, an nex day it lay all bludy and bad hurt in its pen, and there was 
a sine bord, and the sine bord it aed like this, 

Buflo Caf 
(It foold with the Roil Bengali Tagger !) 

My uncle Ned, wich has been in Injy and evry were, he says one time 
there was a menaggery come to the town of Mulligachutney, where he was, 
and he give seven rupees for to git in. The show had been fetched from 
Amerca in a ship, and wen Uncle Ned got in, the fira thing wich he seen was 
a Bine bord, and the sine bord waa hung on a strong iem cage, and it said in 
Hindu, 

The Frooious Allibammy Man Eatee 
Bot for 5 Thousen Rupees from the Natifs, wich Cot it by Strattigem ! " 

And wen Uncle Ned luked in the cage it was a ole sheep, with the marks 
were it had wore a bel. The nex anmel was a Jerzy cow, wich waa chaned 
to four posts, and its Bine bord aaid in gold letters, 

Saored Cow of the Cbibtian Religion. 

Tended by the Artch Hi Preest, and Xibbited by othorty of the Amercan^King, for 

Money to Repair the Temple. 

/ / Dont poker 1 1 

The Artch Hi Preest was a nigger minstrel, and evry little wile he 
plade the bones, dancin all round the cow, and some timeB he got down on 
his kanees before her and tummed a banjo. Nex thing waa a bul frog, but 
it was calld " The Great Callifornia Wingless Bat," and then there was a 
jackua rabbit, and itB sine bord sed, 

ABinus Americanus — 

The Pigmy Jackus of the 

Boundless West ! 

(Wen in motion it resembels a parrilel of lattitude !) 

Bime by Uncle Ned he dident want to see no more, so he went to the 
dore keper, real fewrious, an sed, "You gum dasted theef, gimme back my 
7 rupees, Ive got enuf of yure swindlin sho ! " 

The dore keper he luked at Uncle Ned real hard, wich wore a turban 
and a night gown an was bear footed like the natif niggers, an bime by the 
dore keper he sed, " Yu speek mity good English, barrin the cuss words, 
where did you pick it up ? " 

Uncle Ned he rored out, " In Illinoy, gol darn yure hide ! " 

The dore keper he thot a wile, an then he aed, " Its agin the rules for 
to give any thing back, but I tel you wot you do. Go to the boaa, wich ia 
from Peory, an he wil give you a aeeaon ticket for haf price." 



CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS, 



In his speech to the notification committee, Mr. Blaine said that he was 
" impressed, and that he might also say that he waa oppressed " by the sense 
of, etc. A month or two later he will begin to be depressed, and at the close 
of the campaign he will find himself suppressed. — Exchange. 



Missing Political Lynx — Grant and Conkling. — N. Y. Life. 



If the Republican party can't get into the White House with a 
and a "Jack," it will be indeed time that it retire from politics. - 
Traveler. 



' Jimmie " 
-Merchant 



" How will my love come back to me ? " aaka a poeteas. Well, it's a mighty 
hard question to ask in these trying times of a Presidential campaign. He 
may come back all right, and then again he may not. You stand a good 
chance to win either way you bet. 



" In view of the fact that 10,000 of my photographs are to be distributed 
there next week, I do not really understand the alarm exhibited in Chicago 
at the approach of cholera." — Benjamin F. B. 



Mr. Flower thinks his boom isn't through blooming yet. 



James Gillespie Blaine has been nominated as the Republican candidate 
for the Presidency of the United States. We may say within the limits of 
strict impartiality that this result will please some people and disappoint 
others. — Paris Paper. 



A Pennsylvania paper auggeata helmet hats with white plumes for Blaine 
campaign cluba. Better conault economy and give order for crape at the 
aame time. — N. Y. Star. 



i( What did Blaine say when he received Arthur's dispatch of congratula- 
tion?" was lately asked of one who was with Blaine at the time. " What 

did he Bay, you ask ? Why, he said : ' Oh, ! ' That's all, and he 

meant just what he aaid." — Philadelphia Times. 



The Hon. Mr. Bunn has juat been toasted in Washington aa the new 
Governor of Idaho. Idaho may truly be aaid to take the cake. — N. Y. 

Life. 



The Blaine plume for the ladies this year should be made moatly of 
guinea-hen feathers. Theae are speckled and spotted and piebald enough 
to retain all the delicate tinta and taints of the original tattoo. — Chicago 
Evening Mail. 



Mr. Blaine will naturally be exposed to much abuse, but, as he ia not a 
baseball umpire, he will probably be let off comparatively eaay. — Chicago 
Times. s 



THE WASP. 



PARAPHRASES FROM HEINE, 



Left. 



The earth lay Btiff, bound with an icy ring ; 

Then May time came and made all Nature changeable. 
When everything rejoices in the spring, 

Why do I find that everything's detestable ? 

The flowers in blossom, and the ringing bells, 
The birds all talking, as in ^sop's fable, 

All these are nothing to me ; nought dispels 
My winter gloom : in fact, I'm miserable. 

My fellow man wearies me out and out, 
Even the friend who formerly was passable ; 

And this is how my blues have come about : 
She's married now, the girl I once thought lovable. 



A Love Letter. 
The letter that you have written 

Does not distress me, I fear. 
You mean to give me the mitten 

But your letter is long, my dear. 

Twelve pages ! I call that, for my part, 

A manuscript. Don't deny — 
You'd not be so prolix, sweetheart, 

If you meant to say good-bye. 

— Arranged by H. M. L. 

LITERARY NOTES, 



The novelist to take into the garden — Ouida. — Lowell Courier. The 
novelist who goes to the dogs — Howells. — Tlie Merchant Traveler. The 
novelist to tie to — Cable. — Hatchet. The novelist to turn off — Fawcett. 
The shady novelist — Hawthorne. No novelist to bank with — Grant. The 
footman novelist — James. The novelist who will beat — Harte. — Wasp. 

Sequel to " A Blue GrasB Penelope " — " A Sage Brush Ulysses." Sequel 
to "The King's Men"— "The Queen's Gillie." Sequel to "The Bread- 
winners" — "Nature's Cereal Story." Sequel to "A Eoman Singer" — "A 
Florence Wheeler and Wilson." 



THE "WASP'S" NOTE-BOOK. 



Sarah Bernhardt growing fat 1 Oh come, you know ; we're not going to 
stand that. We would rather — yes, we say it calmly and deliberately — we 
would rather give up the hungry girl calling on the impecunious young man 
for ice-cream and oysters, than renounce the dear old stand-by of Sarah's 
exiguity. We not only felt funny, but we felt jaunty and metropolitan 
when we jested about that good lady's boniness. Let her be informed of 
our ukase. She is not to grow fat. 



The Forth American expounds 
" The Future of the Negro," 

And fears on various kinds of grounds, 
He cannot grow where we grow. 

Peace, peace, disquieted Review I 
Pray leave, if it will suit your 

High sense of right, this matter to 
The Negro of the Future. 



The Tribune and Farmer, an agricultural weekly, has very properly 
moved to No. 20 Rose street, New York. It informs us per type-writer, 
with due editorial modesty, that it is the boss agricultural weekly. 



The New York Times resents the wild Western nickname of dude and 
Pharisee applied to political squeamers, and hits back with the nickname of 
galoot for the wild Western whooper-up. Sadly but firmly it ties the tin 
can of a name to the tail of the wild Western dog — prairie dog, as a man 
might say — and sends him forth with the bitter prophecy that his descend- 
ants will be even those dudes and Pharisees that he despises, mitigatiDg the 
dreadful sentence with the whisper that the ancestors of the present dudes 
and Pharisees were once galoots. 



While the average citizen is possessed of a firm belief in the peculiar 
advantages of cheap food, there comes an " unaverage " citizen to the fore 
with the announcement that cheap food has its still more peculiar disad- 
vantages. This unaverage, who, by the way, is connected with one of the 
charitable institutions of the city, is loud in his condemnation of the cheap 
coffee houses, and the cheaper, the louder, until at the five-cent bun racket 
his voice wails like the voice of a campaign orator. He calls them encourage- 
ments of idleness and breeders of crime. The naturally indolent youth, he 
says, who finds he can buy two meals a day for ten cents, has no incentive 
to work, for any youth, no matter how limited his mental resources, can 
beg, borrow or steal ten cents a day. Idleness increases just in the ratio 
that the difficulty in obtaining food decreases, and the hoodlum and his fe- 
male mate must be given o'er to cigarettes and the devil when a day's meals 
can be obtained for a dime. There is some wisdom in the fellow's speech. 



Bricks made of small discarded corks now constitute an industry of Ger- 
many, says a well-informed contemporary. Now see, only see — bricks of 
corks, bricks in hats, bricks in hats due to the discarding of those very corks, 
and yet where's the joke. 

I can tell a man's character from the way he handles money. If he is a miser he 
carries his ducats in a book wrapped with a Btring a yard long or in a purse that is tied 



up. If he is a gambler he is always handling it nervously. If he is timid and afraid, 
he puts it away down in one corner of his pocket, and keeps his hand on it. If he getB 
his ^5 gold pieces and pennies mixed up, and makes mistakes in changft, and buys with- 
out asking the price, he is liberal, and at the same time careless. In the same way I 
read men who smoke, by the way they do it. It is very simple. A man who is al- 
wayB wanting a light is absent-minded. A man who • smokes quickly is nervous and 
active. One who smokea deliberately is himself deliberate, and a man who lets Mb 
cigar burn up on the inside of the wrapper is careless and never prompt. — Chicago Even- 
ing Mail. 

A man who drops into a chair with a grunt and says he doesn't mean to 
stir again that day is tired. A man who runs violently up a steep hill is in 
a hurry. A man who holds a tooth-brush over his head when he goes out 
into the rain is absent-minded. A man who drinks water is very thirsty. 
A man who reels from side to side has a headache. A man who writes 
obvious rot is reprehensible. 



Mr. Pickering's achievements in obituary poetry were hardly greater in 
the past than they are in the present. It seemed, only the other day, that 
the fire of his genius had abated something of its heat and light, but it now 
glows as lambently and flamboyantly as before. In testimony to the justice 
of this praise, we submit here a quatrain from the death-hell-and-the-grave 
column of the Call. The specimen is hardly a week old : 

Our home will be loneBome and sad, 

Since Willie and Hennie are gone ; 
They made it too cheerful and glad, 

With their merry and tuneful laugh. 



' laugh " is of the most start- 



The intrepidity of rhyming "gone" with 
ling character. 

An authoritative statement of the affairs of Grant & Ward shows that 
the liabilities $16,792,647 — a goodish sum of money. The assets are, nom- 
inal, $27,139,099, actual, $67,174 Evidently, the debt must be paid out of 
the nominal ones. 



ASSISTED WIT, 



Assisted by the Scissors from the Columns of Our Contemporaries Into Ours. 



" The price on that," said a clerk, picking up a remnant of silk, " is quite 
de'collete'." "What ? " said the startled customer. " The price is quite de- 
collete', I said." "Young man, do you know what de'collete' means?" "Yes, 
madame, I do." " Well, I think you are mistaken." " Oh, no, I am not." 
" What does it mean?" "It means cut low, and that's what's the matter 
with the price on this piece of goods. Comprenez vous ? " 



He played " Sweet Violets" with zest 

Upon his red harmonica ; 
The breeze now waves above his breast 

Thelpurple-hued japonica. 



" Tickets, please," said the conductor, as the train pulled out of the Grand 
Central station last night. 

" Ah, owing to my delayed appearance at the deppo," said a young lady 
passenger, " caused by a most unfortunate chain of circumstances, unneces- 
sary to particularize, I found it impossible to purchase a ticket in time to 
catch the train. Would it be conformable with the rules of the company, 
sir, if I were to tender my fare to you ? " 

" Not — not entirely," gasped the frightened conductor. " Bu — but in 
this case I will make it bo. Your fare to Boston, madame, is $5." 



It was an unhappy flamingo, 

Who said : " They have shot me, by jingo ! 

I must pick up my bits 

As I gather my wits, 
And evolve — where the deuce did my wing go ? " 



A Dakota town has a full feathered militia, says an exchange. This 
will make it rather warm for them in summer, but in winter, when the beau- 
tiful snow covers the plains, and looks as though a counterpane of silver has 
been spread o'er the earth's surface, when the mercury has crawled away 
down into the bulb of the thermometer, to keep warm, and it is cold enough 
to freeze the daylights out of a cooking range, then these feathers will come 
in mighty handy to the weary Boldier, who is being dragged hither and 
thither in the teeth of a Dakota blizzard. Feathers may be very unbecom- 
ing to a man, but when he is obliged to tramp through real cold snow, way 
up to his chin, a few feathers scattered here and there over his body will 
help to keep out the cold, and he can consider himself in luck. 

Breathes there the man with soul so dead, 
Who never to himself hath Baid, 
" I'll go and paint the city red ? " 
And when the inky night had fled, 
Kose from his hard and painful bed 
And said : " Oh ! heavens, what a head." 



He is a member of the Dude Club, and there was a bad light in his eye 
as he came into the editorial lair. 

" I've got one for you," he chirruped. 

" Put it under a glass case," growled the sanctissimtis sanctorum ; " the air 
might hurt it." 

" What's the difference," he went on, " between the Goddess of Liberty 
and a detective 1 One is always on the dollar and the other always on the 
scent." So he died. 



While wave the banners in the sky 
That echo shout and shot, 

Bring forth the soothing arnica 
And grease the patriot. 



New York has anew play : The Pulse of New York. 
well where there are so many beats as in that city. 



It ought to take 



THE WASP. 



A REPORTER'S TALE. 



(BEFORE THE LIIiEU) 

I'm a reporter on a daily. I am fly. 
I am not inclined to squibble or to lie. 

I know all about the city ; 

I write truth, and never pity 
Any victim who comes under my bright eye. 

Oh ! sometimes I miss it — miss it very much. 
I write things the city editor won't touch, 

For he smells within the matter, 

If 'twere published, a wild clatter 
Of the fiendish lawyer, eager for to clutch. 

Yea, I got the paper into trouble once, 

Wrote an article which proved I was a dunce ; 

I gave the wrong man thunder 

(10.000 paid the blunder) 
And the City Editor aaid, sir, skip at once. 

(AFTER THE LIBEf..) 

C. E. relented, when I said I never would 
Write a thing that was not fully understood ; 

Now a man may kill his friend, 

I at once will condescend, 
An d swear he did, just as he orter should. 

Now, I like to 'port a sermon every day. 
And I stick my name in every time they pray. 

I am all the time a-prayin' 

And a-listening to the sayin' 
Of the preacher who is preaching for the pay. 

What a change it makes ! —a libel suit or ao. 
And your feelings, what a change they undergo ! 

Lord ! I can't say anybody 

Would not get drunk on toddy 
If I saw a libel suit in it, or no. 

— BUI Cloon of "Louisville Commercial.' 



A WOMAN'S JOURNAL. 



L. 

Thursday, July 3d. 

I am told that the Madison-square actresses think they are aesthetic, or 
their manager thinks they ought to be, or their audience wish them to be. 
At all events, aesthetic is in and Du Maurier are responsible for their slinki- 
ness. There was an hour when my eye and mind were educated up to 
slinkiness. I called it classic and natural. With the morbid excess of 
modern fancy, I even liked thin women in narrow skirts. I was accused in 
the public prints of an inhuman wish to reduce my sisters to the meagre 
outlines of a furled umbrella. My ideals have undergone expansion — the 
ample skirt and the distended crinoline have become necessary to my satis- 
faction, and I am not prepared to give them up or to see beauty in exiguity. 
Miss Marie Burroughs has a distinctly pretty head, but she has a length of 
limb which might be of admirable use in tramping over a plowed field, but 
which fills out that extremely clinging gray gown that she wears in The 
Rajah very ill. Besides, she has the inclination of most very tall women to 
stoop, and therefore stands all the more in need of flowing drapery to cor- 
rect the impression made upon the eye. I am told that she is willowy. The 
phrase was dear to me in my salad days, and I much admired long, lank 
females who walked as if they were trying to make the front breadth of 
their gown long enough to touch their instep. Mrs. Captain Costigan was 
such a one, and I remarked to a young Southerner one evening when we had 
the lady before our eyes, " How graceful and willowy she is ! " He looked 
at me with naive curiosity and then said : " It's very pretty for a willah, 
but scarcely for a woman. " 

Friday, Jjth. 

I was sufficiently amazed to hear Mrs. Langtry pronounce invalid in- 
valeed, with the accent on the last syllable, but more amazed to find that 
Worcester gives no other pronunciation. Webster accents the first syllable 
and prounces the lid Bhort, like the lid of a box. What shall the harvest 
te? 

Saturday, 5th. 

I pass the Cosmos Club building frequently on my wanderings and ven- 
ture to wonder whether the members of the club call themselves Cosmetics. 

Sunday, 6th. 

Sheldon Borden, who writes poems and paragraphs for the Wasp, 
and until recently has been signing Bysshe to his articles, has published 
a comic song, "Drum Minor," of which Mr. Forster has composed the 
music. It describes the sufferings of the listener to a small boy's infernal 
tattoo on his snare, and appeals to some of the tenderest feelings of our 
nature and voices some of the strongest. 

Monday, 7th. 

Frank, seeing me with shears in hand hovering above some silk whoBe 
devastation I contemplated, remarked lightly, " Hello! you're Jael and 
Scissora both, aren't you ? " 

Tuesday, Sth. 

I was given to-day a translation of the directions for making tea — di- 
rections originally composed by a poet Emperor of China three thousand 
years ago. The translation was given the Worldling by General Le Due, of 
agricultural memory, and was given him by the Chinese Minister at Wash- 



ington. It is rythmical, without an exact metre, like the Psalms and Walt 
Whitman : 

Would yon have a cup of delicious tea? . 

Bring forth the ancient tripod 

That bt-sjteaks a long antiquity : 

Fill it with water of melted snow. 

Let it seethe and boil until hot enough 

To redden a crab or whiten a fish. 

Then pour it up>m the leaves 

Taken from a selected tea tree 

Into a cup of the earth of Vua. 

Let the fragrant vapors that so freely rise 

Dissipate themselves into thin air 

And the surface become pellucid and clear. 

Then sip deliberately the delicious liquor, 

It will take away finally 

The five causes of disquietude 

That come to trouble us. 

You may feel and you may know 

But never can you express in word or song 

The sweet tranquility 

That follows the use of 

This delicious beverage. 

From this recipe this wisdom we derive : Do not cover your tea while 
it is steeping. But we are not told the five causes of disquietude. Ill- 
health, poverty, disappointed ambition and an unsympathetic life-partner 
are the four mo3t palpable causes of disquietude, but with a fifth my ex- 
perience and observation fail to supply me, nor can any one assist me to 
that missing fifth cause. It may have existed three thousand years ago and 
now exist no more. It may be peculiar to celestial society ; whatever it was 
or is, it is balm to know that it, too, is amenable to the keen oblivious anti- 
dote of theine. 

Wednesday, 9th. 
Somebody has struck the true solution of the vexed question of the 
use of the words lady and woman in saying that it is quite a matter of tact. 
A man cannot say, "I was traveling with some women" when he means 
there were ladies in the party, and a woman cannot say to her cook, " I ex- 
pect a man to dinner." Also, when my interlocutor says, "A woman told 
me," I get a very different impression from the one I should gain if " lady " 
were used ; ditto with the terms man and gentleman. But of course sales- 
lady is idiotic, and to call Becky Jones " the lady witness who refused to 
testify about the private affairs of the family where she was servant " is anni- 
hilating. 

An efficient cook of Mrs. Huron's was taken ill. When she had suffi- 
ciently recovered she was removed to a boarding-house which she indicated, 
and Mrs. Huron went frequently to visit her and see that she wanted for 
nothing. At last she was well enough to think of getting another situation 
as cook. 

" Shall I advertise for you, Leonora," asked Mrs. Huron. 

" Well, not from this house, ma'am. First-class people are not likely to 
pay attention to advertisements from this house, because several young 
ladies who were not really accomplished have advertised from here." 

Thursday, 10th. 
I have been talking with Riccardo, a truly great mind — a man who seizes 
the happy moment, like Gambetta, and improves upon theories like Frederick 
the Great. 

My heart was wrung by the impending plan to cut down the salaries of 
the school teachers which I have reason to know causes such bitter but voice- 
less and proudly endured misery among those not equipped with thews to 
endure privations one fraction of a degree more rigid than those to which 
they are exposed all the year round with their tiny salaries at their fattest. 

" Why don't you turn these wretched women out and have only men 
teachers — things with votes to secure?" said I to Riccardo, justly furious 
with the women for being threatened with misfortunes that tweaked my 
sympathies and made me uncomfortable. 

" We have thought of it, my dear Miss Dence," he replied, with a smile 
of unfathomable wisdom ; " we have thought of it, but the benefit accruing 
from those secured votes is more than balanced by the necessity we should 
then be under to pay the full amount of the salaries, whereas with a non- 
voting corpB of teachers we can cut down the salaries at any moment with 
perfect impunity, and in case of an unforeseen deficit we could — er — in 
fact, not pay any salaries at all." 

" Woman's sphere is undoubtedly the home," said I. 

<( Oh, undoubtedly," said Riccardo. Jael Dence. 



A very tall girl, wearing a Mother Hubbard dress, stepped on a platform 
scales at Coney Island and informed the proprietor that she wished to be 
weighed. 

He placed a 200-pound weight on the hook, and the suddenness with 
which it came down frightened him. Then he tried a 150-pound weight, 
with the same result. 

" Strange," he muttered, with- a perplexed look at the girl, t{ something 
must be wrong with the scales." 

Finally, after repeated attempts, he informed her, in a dubious tone of 
voice, that she weighed just eighty-nine pounds. 

" Thank you," she said, handing him the nickel, " I seem to be gaining," 
and she tripped away. 

Then the amazed scaleman looked after her and remarked : 
" Some young feller will get terribly fooled by that Mother Hubbard 
dress." — N. T. Sun. 

The story is told of Walter Davidge that in a Washington court-room 
he had hardly been able to restrain himself through two hours of a tedious 
speech by an opposing lawyer. At last the lawyer said : " Your Honor, I 
have an idea." "Your Honor," broke in Davidge, "give him a writ of 
habeas corpus to take it out of solitary confinement. — Waterbury American. 

Miss Minnie Palmer and Mr. John Rogers, her manager, are very much 
annoyed at having been reported to be man and wife. But only think how 
much greater the annoyance might be. — Hour. 



THE 




RE-OPENIM 






ASP. 




T H 



BALL 



SCHMIDT LABEL* UTHO.CO-, SAH FRANCISCO. 



io 



THE WASP. 



A MUGWUMP WAIL. 



Wha-at-Jim? 

Jim Blaine? 
Got him? 

Great Cain ? 

Jim Blaine, 

Of the State of Maine, 

Smartest cuss in out of the rain — 

Got him? 

Our Jim, 

Cheeky Jim, 

Full to the brim 
Of brass and sass and pluck and vim — 

Got Jim ? 

Why, he is the festive little pill 

That went through Catawampous Hill 

And made the chivalry ill ; 

He stole Ulysses's little squirt, 

And put on Morton's bloody shirt ; 

Hammered Conkling's bump of gumption, 

Walloped Hayes out of resumption, 

Whitened Butler's gory locks, 

And put a black eye on Sam Cox. 

Got him ? 
Our Jim — 

Jim Blaine, 

Of the State of Maine ; 

Will somebody please explain ? 

A SPECK OF DUST. 



-N. Y. Sun in 1S76. 



" Not a speck of dust. Not one ! " 

Intimate friends, usually ready to let fly barbed arrows of scandal, were 
unanimous in alluding in these terms, so flattering for a house-keeper, to 
thatstate of over-scrupulouscleanliness, desperate, fanatical, in which Madame 
Canigou kept her home. Some of her lady friends even went so far as to 
declare, with eyes moistened by their pride in their sex : " One could eat 
off her floors ! " So there was not a speck of dust in Madame Canigou's 
house, at least her friends vehemently asserted it and she believed it. 

It had taken ten years of incessant daily labor to arrive at this unex- 
pected, unheard-of result. Madame Canigou acknowledged it with modestly 
lowered eyes, regarding her breast as though she beheld a well merited 
recompense sparkling there, a cross of honor of cleanliness. 

She had had eleven great feather-dusters killed under her, and legions 
of dust-cloths were dead on the field of battle where she had struggled, 
sometimes vanquished, never discouraged, to the victorious end. 

Victorious ? Alas ! vanity of human certainty ! 

All the world would have affirmed, with hand in the flames, like Scsevola, 
that there was not a grain of dust in Madame Canigou's house. Very well, 
everyone was mistaken ! And Madame Canigou too. Really there was a 
speck of dust in the home which caused such general envy and whose ex- 
quisite nicety was cited as an example to all the young girls in the neighbor- 
hood. 

One day, Madame Canigou, who discreetly kept it to herself, discovered 
with horror the dreadful thing in her house. That speck, the last, the invisi- 
ble orphan of all that innumerable family annihilated by Madame Canigou, 
had kept itself concealed under a dried rose-leaf in the bottom of a vase. 

Sad, trembling, filled with bitter memories, it meditated on the fate of its 
elders, all killed by blows from a feather-duster and flung into space on the 
wings of a dust-cloth frantically shaken out of the window. It had seen a 
hundred million of its brothers perish. Although the sight of the death of 
millions of relatives might at last make you feel used to it and indifferent to 
death — for others, the speck of dust trembled every day under its dried rose- 
leaf and knew no peace. But it hoped to be forgotten and to live ! 

Vain hope ! Madame Canigou's piercing eye perceived it one fine morn- 
ing in the depths of the vase, and then commenced a tremenduous chase. 
Cast out of its retreat, the speck of dust placed itself exactly on the artifi- 
cial eye of a stuffed starling. It thought it was safe. Error ! Madame 
Canigou, the indefatigable, dislodged it — with precautions, but she ousted it. 
Then, the speck of dust which grew thinner hour by hour, darted hither 
and thither, cowered and took refuge in a file of bills. 

But Madame Canigou, whose eye would have given fifteen points to the 
eye of Jehovah, Madame Canigou, I say, discovered the speck of dust in its 
retreat, and in the most tragic manner gave it a blow with her duster ! But 
she missed it again. Ingenious as Proteus, that speck of dust hid in thou- 
sands of places, but was invariably pounced at and pursued. This lasted ten 
years ! Ten other long years ! And what a wretched life Madame Canigou 
led that poor speck ! 

Everything comes to an end in this world, specks of dust and their pur- 
suers also, and one night this speck received its death-blow on the under 
side of a bed-room table. That night the words of Madame Canigou's 
friends came true. There was no longer a speck of dust in the house ! 

O glory ! O triumph ! 

But the gods are vengeful. When Madame Canigou could no longer 
hunt that speck of dust which had absorbed ten years of her life, she felt a 
void in her heart unparalleled in the world. It was truly horrible ! 

To have assassinated the last speck of dust was to have her feet, hands 
and dusters left to inaction and melancholy. 

She drooped, she grew ill, she died. There was a fine funeral. 



Her husband could at last smoke his pipe in peace, and brush his poor 
feet on the rounds of the chairs. It was gay ! 

The moral of this story is memento quid pidvis es et in pulverem reverters, 
that is to say, rememb.T that thou art dust, aud leave other dust in peace — 
where there is not too much of it. 

— Translated from the French by E. F. Dawson. 



VIVISECTION. 



A recent Paris letter relates in a quiet way what if true is a story to 
excite the disgust and indignation of all who possess the slightest feeling of 
humanity. It is said that the painter Surand, whose new picture, the sub- 
ject of which is taken from Flaubert's " Salammbo," contains a striking rep- 
resentation of the lions crucified by the Carthagenian peasantry, being asked 
how he obtained the singularly life-like expression of fen 'city on the faces 
of the lions, showed in reply a number of crucified cats which he had used 
as models. According to the story, he went on to say that he got the idea 
from an old man in Paris who slaughtered cats and dogs to extract pepsin 
from their stomachs, and who, having adopted the plan of crucifying the 
animals in order to dissect them more conveniently, had incidentally ob- 
served that when subjected to this torture the ca's took on an expression of 
ferocity which made them look like lions. Upon this hint Surand is said to 
have acted. Having no lions to crucify, he crucified cats, thus employing 
vivisection in the service of art precisely as the ancient artist Parrhasius is 
reported to have done. 

Parrhasius, according to the tradition, tortured a human slave to catch 
the expression of agony. This was hardly going further than Surand, con- 
sidering the differing moral standards of the two eras, and it may be doubted 
whether the enthusiasm of art which rendered the modern painter insensible 
to the cruelty of his action would not have steeled him against the suffering 
of higher creatures than cats had it been open to him to repeat the experi- 
ment of the Greek artist. Between the old scoundrel who dissects live dogs 
and cats for their pepsin and the artist who cruelly crucifies cats for the sake 
of the expression of ferocity their agony gives them, there is indeed no room 
for choice. Both actions are execrable and abominable, and it is to be 
hoped that the sentiment which has denounced vivisection for scientific ends 
will not fail to visit a just condemnation upon these literally horrible cases 
of cold-blooded cruelty and inhumanity. — N. Y. Tribune. 



' I wish 



" That horrid Mrs. Sawyer," said Mrs. Jones, the other day. 
she would move out of the neighborhood." 

" Well, what do you run there all the time for 1 I told you how it would 
be," retorted Mr. Jones. 

This was not the kind of sympathy Mrs. Jones expected, and she be- 
came ominously silent. 

" What has she said about you now? " inquired Jones. 

" Oh, it's nothiDg about me," said Mrs. Jones indifferently. 

" What is it about ?" asked Jones with evident anxiety. 

" It's about you," resumed Mrs. J. " She says you're no more fit to run 
for office than a brindle cat, and that if Sawyer votes for you she'll never 
speak to him again ; she says " 

" Never mind," said Jones loftily. "I'm not the least interested in any- 
thing a feeble-mined, gossipy woman says." 

But the flatiron had struck home, and Jones left the table with a look 
on his face that boded no good. 

It was baking day at the Sawyers. 

If there was any thing Mrs. Sawyer prided herself upon, it was the ten- 
der, flaky quality of her paste. Jones knew this. 

Mrs. Sawyer was just rolling that tender pie-paste into great sheets of 
transparent dough, when there came a knock at the door. Mrs. Sawyer 
answered it, rolling-pin in hand. It was Willie Jones who had knocked. 

" Please, Mrs. Sawyer," said the innocent child, "pa would like a piece 
of your pie-crust." 

" Certainly, Willie," said Mrs. Jones, much flattered, " but it isn't fcaked 
yet." 

" He doesn't want it baked." 

" But he can't eat raw pie-crust." 

" He isn't going to eat it." 

" Then what is he going to do with it 1 " 

" He Baid he wanted to mend the harness and make hinges for the barn 

door with it, and " 

The rolling-pin hung fire, and the boy escaped, but the barrier between 
the houses of Jones and Sawyer can never be broken. It is tougher than the 
pie-crust. — Detroit Free Press. 

It was the race which Volcalic won at Sheepshead Bay. The finish be- 
tween him and Miss Brewster was a very close one, and from that part of 
the stand where the writer sat it looked very much as if the filly had won 
by a nose. Immediately behind the writer sat a middle-aged woman, of 
matronly proportions and demeanor. Her face was white with suppressed 
excitement. In fact she was so nervous that she did not truBt herself to 
look at the race. When Miss Brewster challenged Volcalic in the stretch 
she arose, however, and big beads of perspiration started on her forehead. 
As the horses shot past the post she clutched the writer's arm and hoarsely 
inquired: " What do you think won, sir?" "Miss Brewster, I believe," 
was the reply. " My God," she exclaimed, "don't tell me that ! I have 
backed the other one." A few minutes after, Volcalic's number went up. 
The woman almost cried with joy. " That saved me," she said, forgetting 
her reserve in her delight. "I was away out on the meeting, and to get 
even, I took fifty dollars, which my husband had laid aside to pay the inter- 
est on a loan. Twenty-five dollars went on the other races, and attracted 
by Volcalic's light weight, I determined to risk all that was left on him. 
Had Volcalic lost, I am afraid that I could not have faced my husband. 
Now, however, I win $150, which puts me nearly fifty dollars to the good 
on the meeting." 

Occurrences like this make even the most enthusiastic male plunger 
look rather queerly at his favorite amusement or mode of speculation. — Hour. 



THE WASP. 



11 



NOWADAYS. 



She is a nowaday 8 maiden, 
And he a moat commonplace swain ; 

She, with her heads and her buckles, 
He, with his bangs and his cane. 

She, a pretty New Yorker, 

He, a Columbia man ; 
Each struggling for social successes 

As only a New Yorker can. 

But they meet, and they love, and are wedded 

In a way just as true and as good 
As if they were Darby and Joan, 

And in old-time simplicity wooed. — F. C. 



"Life' 



A WESTERN ROMANCE, 



She was a beautiful Chicago girl. 

The use of the word " beautiful " in this connection is an exemplifica- 
tion of what poetic license can and will do when the halter is taken off and 
it is turned loose. 

She lived on a farm in the Far West, and her husband lived with her. 

Both of them being from Chicago, this statement sounds a little like a 
newspaper yarn, but when we explain that they had only been wedded three 
months it may be accepted as true. 

It was evening. 

It always is evening once a day in the Far West. 

He was returning from a neighboring village, where he had been to Bell 
a few pounds of butter his fair bride had only that morning made, in all her 
beauty and domesticity. 

If this was not a romance, she would probably have made it in a churn, 
but young brides think they know more than anybody else about household 
matters. 

She was waiting for him at the gate, and as she stood there she looked 
like a beauteous flower, transplanted from the conservatory of the city to 
bloom in the sweet simplicity of the country air. 

As he approached her heart beat high with hope, and she was in a flutter 
of excitement. 

She was also in a white dress and a big calico apron. 

He came nearer, and she saw upon his face a frown. 

She knew it was a frown, because she had seen the same look on the 
faces of people who had been married twenty years or more. 
*' Oh, Augustus ! what is it 1 " she faltered. 
" What is what 1 " he replied. 

You see, Augustus had never been very much at school, or he would 
have known that " what" was a copulative conjunction, in the imperative 
mood, and not asked such a question. 

" Why, darling, that look upon the face I love 1 " 
" Because, dear, I have bad news." 

11 What is it? — oh ! what is it ? Did you only get twenty-eight cents for 
the butter when Mrs. Blitfkins gets thirty-one and a half ? " 

Women are always envious of each other. 
(( Worse and more of it, mia carissima. 

That's Italian, but Augustus didn't know it. He thought it was Chicago 
French. 

" Tell me, then ; haste and tell your bride. She will be strong for your 
sake. Are some of the loved ones at home — are they — are — are — are they 
dead ? " 

He threw his strong arms about her, and as her head was pillowed on 
his manly check shirt front, he bent low over her, and in his gentlest tones, 
those she had known in the roseate hours of his loverhood, he whispered : 

'* Be strong, darliog, be strong. When I went into the grocery and. showed 
the man what your own fair hand had made, he didn't give me a chance to 
speak, but told me, harshly, that he didn't want any axle grease, and I'd 
have to take it somewhere else." 

In the freshness of the morning they were found in the dewy grasB and 
flowers by the gate side, locked in each other's arms, and the key lost. — 
Merchant Traveler. 



" Did you go to Sunday-school this morning ? " asked the boy with a 
shaven head. 

(< No," answered the urchin with his mouth full of wax. 

" Well, you ought to have gone," said the first boy. 

" What was the lesson about ? " asked the other. 

" About the six loaves and six fishes that fed a whole crowd and then 
there was enough left to feed 'em over again." 

" They had that over again, did they?" aBked the second boy. 

"Yes." 

(t Well, I should think they'd give us somethin' new. That's gettin' to 
be a pretty thin story. I notice that they always spring it just about this 
time of year, too. This is the picnic season, you know, and the scheme is 
to get the gang out to the woods. There's generally about six loaves or 
crackers in the crowd. These teachers think they can make people believe 
because that trick was played once it can be again. But I don't wear my 
waist buttoned to my pants any more. They can't stuff me." — Chicago 
Evening Mail. 

She had a sickle in her hand as she stood in the yard in front of a house 
on Second avenue. She looked up and down the street in a suspicious man- 
ner, rubbed her thumb along the edge of the sickle, and finally knelt down 
to attack the grass growing around a rosebush. She made three or four in- 
vestigating cuts, and then drew a long breath and whaled away with all her 
might. Two branches of the ros«bud went to grass. She stared at them in 
amazement for a moment and then, after a careful inspection of the point of 
the sickle, she made another cut, There was a sharp clang and exclamation, 



and she dropped the sickle and put her fingers in her mouth. There was a 
stone there somewhere. She hunted around until she discovered it, and 
when it had been dug up and flung aside she was ready for business again. 
She made five or six sweeping cutB and as many as two severed blades of 
grass lay bleeding before her. This was so encouraging that she struck out 
and brought down two more branches of the rosebush and broke an inch and 
a half off the end of the sickle. Then she Btopped to reflect. She had 
somewhere seen a picture of Ruth, the gleaner. Ruth was represented as 
grasping the grain, or grass, with the left hand and using the sickle in the 
right, and with the greatest success. She was every bit as smart as Ruth 
and had twice aB good clothes. She reached out and seized a handful of 
graBS, drew a long breath and made a beautiful half-circle with the sickle. 
She wasn't a bit grateful that the handle hit her hand instead of the blade, 
and that the sickle went flying against the fence instead of completing the 
circle and cutting her head off. She fell back on the grass with an "Oh- 
h-h-h ! " scrambled up with an exclamation that didn't sound a bit like 
'* Gosh hang it!" and when the man called " Strawberries— great big 
beauties ! " at her over the gate she replied only by a threatening motion of 
her fist and a slam of the door. — Detroit Free Press. 



The time was — the man got on a bust and lost his balance. 

The time is — the bank gets on a buBt and the man loses his balance. — 
Judge. 

The time shall be — the balance will get into the bank and the man will 
lose his bust. — Wasp. 

" I would die for you," she exclaimed, pillowing her head upon his 
shoulder. " Oh, you needn't darling," was the quick reply, "I like red 
hair." — Burlington Free Press. 

" Do you make any difference to clergymen ? " said a gentleman in dark 
cloth, balancing a coin at the entrance to Doc Ryan's Russian baths. " Oh, 
no," said the clerk, picking up the dollar. " we treat clergymen here aB well 
as anybody else. Walk right in." — N. Y. Tribune. 



A DI'.LTCIOUS BEVERAGE. 
One of the best, most palatable, and we may say supeiinr beers now in use in our 
city is the "Kaiser," "Salvatnr" and "' Fredericksburg" lager beer, brewed by the 
celebrated Fredericksburg Brewing ' Jooipany of San Jose. It has become a " house- 
hold word" with all lovers of a genuine glass of latjer. Try it. All orders will be 
promptly filled by applying at their general office, 539 California street. 



A REFRESHING DRINK. 
In all probability the sale of Preble's Oregon cider far exceeds that of any other 
importation on this coast. It is made from the Oregon russet apple, shipped in large 
quantities and thoroughly clarified, bottled and cased by the California and Oregon 
Cider Co., No. 218 Davis street. Mr. Chas. B. Preble, the first producer of this 
wholesome beverage, is an old time prominent business man of this city, and by Mb 
energy has built up a trade reaching to every portion of the Pacific coast. 



HARNESS, SADDLERY, ETC. 
The many thousand readers of the Wasp in want of goods appertaining to the 
horse should call on L. D. Stone & Co., manufacturers and importers of harness, sad- 
dles and all kinds of patent and harness leathers, 422 and 424 Battery street. Mr. 
Stone has one of the largest stocks on the Pacific coast. 



GREAT CURATIVE AGENT. 
Dr. D. H. Tucker, 106 Post street, is the sole agent for the Magnetic Shield Co. 
Rheumatism, neuralgia and dyspepsia are surely cured by magnetic appliances. A 
single pair of foot batteries cost only one dollar. Read the advertisement on cover of 
this week's Wasp. 

TOLENAS WATER. 

The name of this favorite natural mineral water is fast becoming a " household 
word " with every one. It is now being sold everywhere. It is excellent for liver and 
kidney diseases and indigestion. Messrs. Turner Bros. , 217 Commercial street, are the 
sole agents. 

VALUABLE DISCOVERY. 

The discovery of the ingredients composing the wonderful nutritive invigorator, 
Celery, Beef and Iron, is due to Dr. Henley, a physician well known on the Pacific 
coast. It is a trustworthy remedy for sleeplessness and builds up the system. Try it. 



NATURAL MINERAL WATER. 
The Tolenas Spring Soda, natural mineral water lately introduced here, is re- 
freshing, agreeable and effervescent, cures indigestion, aciiity of the stomach, etc. 
Turner Bros. & Co., 217 Commercial street, general agents Pacific coast. 



ALFRED GREENEBAUM & CO. 
This well-known firm, 123 California street, are the sole agents for George Goulet's 
celebrated Champagne and H. Clausen & Son Brewing Co.'s export champage Lager 
Beer. Both brands are Bold by all first-class hotels and BaloonB. 



A GOOD FIT. 

If you want a good hand-made suit of clothes at a reasonable price call on SoL 
Shipper of the firm of Shipper & Schwartz, merchant tailors, 733 Market street. 
Everybody in Oregon and San Jose knows "Sol." 



SUPERIOR IN QUALITY. 
The Jesse Moore Whisky is considered by all connoisseurs to be the best in the 
market. Messrs. Moore, Hunt & Co., 417 and 419 Market street, are the sole im- 
porters and agents for this celebrated brand. 



A FRESH ARRIVAL. 
Mr. Otto Normann, agent for Wm. J. Lemp's Western Brewery, St. Louis, Mo., 
has just received another car load of the celebrated Lemp's Beer at 411 Bush street, 
just above Kearny. 

A. O. COOK & SON. 
This firm, 415 Market street, are the sole manufacturers of the Standard Leather 
Belting. Factories, machinists and mining companies should make a note of this. 



12 



THE WASP. 



SHOW NOTES. 



There is nothing new under the dramatic sun. 

At the California Theater, James O'Neill finishes his fourth week of Monte Crista 
to-morrow evening. Mr. John Stetson is said to be so well pleased with the reception 
his company has received that he will favor us with something else shortly — even that 
he will tackle the Grand Opera House— noble, devoted man. Monte Gristo has a great 
many of the elements of a popular success in it. O'Neill, first of all, plays in a fiery, 
impulsive, irresistible fashion which is easy to understand and which distinguishes 
him as the hero — a prime necessity in a melodrama— in all scenes and under all circum- 
stances. He is very much in love, very much in despair or very revengeful at all 
times, and he is a handsome, ardent man. Ask half a dozen people at random what 
makes the success of Monte Crista and they will laugh andsay, " De Belleville." And 
while De Belleville sometimes seems to fastidious people a little vulgar in his 
methods, there is a robust vitality in his " Noirtier " which compels admiration, and 
his big, handsome body developing from his strange disguises, makes a palpably agree- 
able transformation. His punishment of "Villefort" is so severe in its torture that 
if " Villefort " were less cowardly one would be inclined to cry " Halt ! " 

Then there is Shannon's " Caderousse," a really wonderful piece of acting. There 
is no doubt that the elements that go to the making of the man who likes his cups often 
belong to an amiable character, and Shannon expresses this perplexing mixture of sot- 
tishness and honest kindliness and a certain probity, with an originality and individu- 
ality that take hold of one and make the man himself interesting aside from what he 
does. His description of the terrible death by starvation of " Dantes's " father is a 
surprising piece of realism cast away in the wild waste of exaggeration that is the 
essence of melodrama, and verily it has its reward in a quick burst of applause. It is 
said that Shannon is a German, in spite of his Irish name. 

For the attractions of the play itself, besides the great scenes in the Chateau d'lf, 
the murder scene in the inn is perhaps the one that lingers longest in the memory. 
Stereotyped material though it is of all murder and ghost stor'es, there is still some- 
thing about the lonely inn kept by a strange old man and woman, something about the 
ricketty staircase, the unavoidable storm and the regulation peddler who is to be mur- 
dered, that makes the desired cold chills run down your back the instant the curtain 
rises on the scene, and when the peddler hobbles upstairs to his room, that room whose 
details you know without seeing them, your eyes grow fixed. As the old woman creeps 
up the stairs with her brutally big axe you breathe hard. With the pistol-shot your 
nerves are shattered all to pieces, and you notice only vaguely that the old woman is 
killed and that " Monte Cristo " was conveniently at hand to fall upon "Villefort," 
the accomplice, and begin his little tally of vengeances. Monte Cristo, as this Stetson 
company played it, has been such a tremendous success, in spite of Langtry and of the 
summer exodus, that it tempts a close analysis to learn what it was that the people 
liked. Now it is quite easy to see what the New Yorkers liked in the Rajah ; they 
liked the exquisite daintiness and good breeding of it, the beautiful appointments, the 
correct Anglicism, the simplicity and the bewitching hero. These things compensated 
for the weaknesses of the play itself, and doubtless there was a circle in San Francisco 
which revelled in the Rajah and accepted without a tremor the amazing dislike of 
" Miss Wyncot " for her handsome guardian, founded on a letter containing a descrip- 
tion of the guardian calculated to thrill with joy any real girl who had ever read a 
novel or seen a man. 

I once knew a girl who was writing a novel without any particular plot that she 
had yet decided upon. She had her characters distinctly in her mind, however, and 
whenever a scene occurred to her she wrote it out without connection with anything al- 
ready written, and put the MS. in a brown paper bag. In time there were many paper 
bags and as many missing links. The Rajah seems to me a succession of scenes fished 
from paper bags— very pretty scenes, but "Whence come we and whither do we 
tend ? " as the young ladies write in their graduating compositions. 

Ah, well, we shall have something to suit everybody Monday night— Orpheus and 
Eurydicn. There never lived a man with soul so dead as not to be .pleased with bur- 
lesque, nor woman with ear too highly cultivated to enjoy Offenbach, and Offenbach 
at the Baldwin will be charming. 

That active extravaganza, The DeviVs Auction, has been drawing excellent houses 
to the Bush-street Theater. It should delight the children with its comic tumbling 
and the genuine too, its bright groups of color and that gutta percha gentleman, Mr. 
Martinetti Chaos. The clever company has come to stay, for Tlie Black Raven is an- 
nounced as in preparation. If it had been The White Raven, now I A. L. T. 

" Annie Pixley is another dear domestic little soul She makes all her own dresses, 
for the stage and all, and loves to get a vacation to spend with her two little boys in 
Canada. They are now about ten and seven years old. She isn't nearly as pretty off 
as on the stage, as she has a bad skin and no eyebrows to speak of ; just a good little 
soul, awfully in love with her husband. She walks five or six miles every day, swims 
when and where it is possible, and drinks Epsom salts every morning to prevent grow- 
ing fat, which is her horror. She studies the hardest ! No end of exercises in singing, 
and indeed she deserves success from every point of view. 

" Did you ever know Emma Abbott? Well, you ought to. You like affectionate 
people. I'll bet that before you knew her five minutes she would have her hands on 
your arm, and in ten they would be around your neck, and, what is more, you would 
believe that you were the only one so favored. Everybody believes that. She is 
neither pretty nor ugly, but has a very sweet mouth and pretty figure. She can't sing 
for shucks, though. 

" Know Lotta? Of course I do. She is just two years older than I — and I — ahem 
— well — I was born in 1843. She doesn't amount to much to talk of, any more than 
does any bright, sparkling little thing, but she has. borne up amazingly well, and, I 
dare say, won't look thirty when I do seventy." — Olive Harper in N. Y. Exchange. 

John McCullough, whose fine acting and charming manners have gained for him 
such a host of friends and admirers all over the United States, has a sad little romance 
connected with his life, the exact particulars of which not even his most intimate 
friends may know. To my knowledge came recently a brief, bare outline of the facts, 
as|given below ; Early in his artistic career, long ere the world stood ready to concede 



to him that gracious meed of praise which now is his, won by years of hard study, 
coupled with great talent, he met the actress Helen Tracy, then a young, high-spirited 
woman. The acquaintance speedily drifted into a more serious channel, and marriage 
naturally followed. Unfortunately the match proved a most unhappy one, and they 
soon separated, never to come together again. Helen Tracy, for such is the name Mc- 
Cullough's wife still bears, belonged to a New York 'family who at one time possessed 
great wealth. As a girl, growing up splendidly handsome and full of talent, she was 
devoted to charades, theatricals, and all such things, being ever the originator and 
prime mover of all entertainments while at school, where the praise showered upon her 
from all sides decided the girl, in opposition to the wishes of her parents, to adopt the 
stage as a profession. It is small wonder that the imperious, lovely woman should 
have captured the youthful imagination of John McCullough, or that later on he 
should have found impossible a life with the wayward, eccentric beauty, who never 
from her cradle had acknowledged restraint from parent or teacher. During the season 
just passed Helen Tracy was in Washington, having come here with the company who 
rendered the Silver King. Mr. Tracy, her father, whose death occurred some eighteen 
months since, had for three years previous to his death been a resident of this city, 
where in former years he was well known. — Capital. 



HER PLEASURE. 



Sitting by a closed window, en- 
gaged in reading or sewing, she 
always felt the cool draft that crept 
in beneath the sash, and it chilled 
her and gave her many a cold, till 
her thoughtful husband purchased 
a pretty little two-leaf screen for 
her which broke the draft and did 
not obscure the light — adding an- 
other to the pleasures he could 
afford her. 

Husbands 1 take the hint. Your 
wife or your children are liable to 
take colds from drafts that will 
make them ill and cause you ex- 
pense in bills for medicine. 

It is true that colds are caused 
by drafts, and screens break drafts. 

Ichi Ban, 20 — 22—24 Geary 
street. The finest store in America, 
has them ranging in price from $2.50 upwards 




FOUND AT LAST. 

A pure and wholesome preparation for dressing and promoting the growth of the 
hair, for allaying and preventing inflammation, alleviating and curing all ordinary 
diseases of the scalp and skin, August Koehncke's Hair Restorer ; a cure and pre- 
ventative of premature baldness. It is a purely botanical compound, and not a greasy, 
dirty mess. Totally unlike nearly all other preparations for the hair and skin. It 
contains neither mineral, chemical, animal nor vegetable poisons. J. J, Mack & Co., 
9 and 11 Front street, San Francisco, Sole Agent ; or. direct to A. Koehncke, manu- 
facturer, Watsonville, Cal. Sent to any address on receipt of SI ; Bix bottles, §5. 



A HEALTHY DRINK AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. 
It is important to families as well as first-class saloon men to know that H. L. St. 
John & Co., 14 Hayes street, are making the genuine old-fashioned Eastern Root Beer 
from selected roots and herbs. It is cooling, healthy and delicious, good for old and 
young. It is the cheapest and best drink in the city. One dozen pints only 70 cents, 
one dozen quarts only SI. 10, delivered free to your house. All bottles have patent 
stoppers. 1 ry the Root Beer. 



READ THIS. 

Mr. A. H. Baldwin (formerly McDowell & Baldwin) of the San Francisco Carpet 
Beating Machine, 1321 and 1323 Market street, has now new machinery throughout. 
Calls for carpets, renovates and relays them all in one day. Refitting carpets a 
specialty. Telephone 3036. Remember, 43Tno Chinamen employed at this establish ■ 
ment. 



PHILADELPHIA BREWERY. 

The Philadelphia Brewery has sold during the year 1882 64,188 barrels of beer, 
being twice as much as the next two leading breweries in this city. (See Official 
Report, U. S. Internal Revenue, January, 1883. ) The beer from this brewery has a 
Pacific Coast renown unequaled by any other on the Coast 



BURNHAM'S ABIETENE. 
W. W. Haney, 221 Sacramento St., San Francisco, says " Burnham's Abietene" 
cured him of Rheumatism and Kidney trouble after every other remedy failed. He 
used it both internally and externally. It is sold by druggists generally. 



MOST MARKED SUCCESS. 
Messrs. Benham & Eaton, 735 Market street, proprietors of the Model Music 
Store, are agents for the celebrated Hazelton pianos, also the Benham piano ; first- 
class and medium price. Give them a call. 



* FINE OLD TABLE WINES. 

Messrs. J. Gundlach & Co., vine growers, corner Market and Secon* streets, 
make a great specialty of 6ne old table wines, their own production from their own 
extensive vineyards in Sonoma county. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Who desire to keep the "WASP" on file, can now be again supplied with 
Covers. Price, Fifty Cents. 

38 Cough Mixture has no equal. While taking 38 Cough Mixture you can con- 
tinue your usual avocation. 38 Cough Mixture will cure your cold quicker than any 
other remedy ; other remedies are" good, but 38 Cough Mixture will cure any and all 
kinds of colds with less trouble than any other kind. For sale by all druggists. B. J. 
Rhodes & Co., manufacturers, San Jose, Cal. 



J. P. Tenthorey & Co., 558 Mission street, have always on hand for the trade the 
finest Maccaroni, Vermicelli, Farina and paste of all descriptions in French and Italian 
style. aSTNo retail in our factory. 



THE WASP. 



13 



A CURATIVE BATH. 
The ills that flesh is heir to can be cured, the system fully renovated, and germs 
of disease drtvea from the body by taking Dr. Zeile's plain or medicated baths. His 
institute i« the best, and the bath accommodations are the largest, cleanest and moat 
comfortable on the Pacific coast. There are no basement rooms ; all are on the ground 
floor, with plenty of air. We advise every one who has the blues or iB half sick, to try 
this popular bathing resort. Nos. 522 to 528 Pacific street. 



THE DUPLEX GALVANIC CO. 

This company has received the only silver medal as a premium for their medical 
belt. Its success is assured. It is acknowledged the best belt in use, and adapted to 
self- treatment. Address the Duplex Galvanic Belt Co., 112 Kearny street, San Fran- 
cisco, and receive full instructions. 



THE MAMMOTH GROVE HOTEL. 
One of the most delightful places to spend a few weeks' vacation, view the works 
of Nature and enjoy the mountain air, is at the Mammoth Grove Hotel, Calaveras 
Big Trees, kept by James L. Sperry, Esq., who knows how to keep a hotel and make 
you comfortable. 

A CALIFORNIA PRODUCTION. 

It is not generally known that one of the finest perfumes, superior to any imported, 
is made by the Western Perfumery Co. of this city. It is called the "Elite Bouquet." 
Ask your druggist for it and you will use no other. 



A FINE TONIC. 
Mr. Lewis Hess, 12 Montgomery avenue, is the sole manufacturer of the celebrated 
Damiana Bitters which have such a wide sale all over the Pacific coast. These bitters 
give one an appetite and cure dyspepsia. 



LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

Ob' MEAT. Finest and chenpeai Meat Fla- 
vouring Stook for SoupB, Made Diahea and 
Sauces. Annual Sule, U,000,000 jars. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

UF MEAT. An invaluable tonic. " Is a 
success and a boon for which nations 
should feel grateful." — See "Medical 
PresB," " Lancet," &o. 

Genuiue only with the fac-Bimile of Baron 
Liebig's Signature in Blue Ink across the 
Label. Toe title" Baron Liebig"and photo- 
graph having been largely used by dealers 
with no connection with Boron Liebig, 
the puhlic are informed that the Liebig 
Company alone can offer the article with 
Baron Licbig'n guarantee of genuineness. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. To bo had of all Storekeepers, 
Grocers and Chemists. Sole Agents for the 
United States (wholesale only) 0. David & 
Co.,9,Fen church Avenue, London, England. 

Sold wholesale by It I CI I A It DS A 
IIAKK1SOV, San Francisco. 



CALIFORNIA 



SUGAR REFINERY 



OFFICE, 33J MiEKET ST. 
KEFINEKY, ... POTBEBO. 



CLAUS SPRECKELS President 

J. D. SPRECKELS Vice-President 

A. B. SPRECKELS Secretary 



DIVIDEND NOTICE. 

THE GERMAN SAVINGS AND 
LOAN SOCIETY. 

For the half year ending June 30, 1884, the 
Board of Directors of THE GERMAN SAVINGS 
AND LOAN SOCIETY has declared a dividend 
on Term Deposits at the rate of four and 
thirty-two one hundredths (4 32-100) per cent, 
per annum, and on ordinary Deposits at the 
rate of three and six-tenths (3 6-10) per cent, 
per annum, and payable on and after the 1st 
day of July, 1884 By order, 

GEO. LETTE, Secretary. 



THE 

MAMMOTH GROVE HOTEL 

Calaveras Big Trees, 

The most agreeable and healthy Summer Resi- 
dence on the Coast, is now open for the reception 
of guests. For particulars, apply to THOS. D. 
WALTON, 138 Montgomery Btreet. 

JAMES 1. SPKKRY, Proprietor. 



C MONEY! MONEY! 

There is money in my line of goods ; they will 
pas* in any community Agents can dispose of 
them in connection with other business. No 
Hsk, Goods first class. For particulars, ad- 
dress, with stamp, M. I» AKKS, Gold Hill, 
N. C. 



THE 



HAWAIIAN HOTEL 



Honolulu, H. I. 



This house has been entirely renovated and 
extended, and under the new management will 
be conducted with particular reference to the 

Comfort and Convenience 



TOURISTS. 

The Hotel is most delightfully situated, and 
the Cuisine is equal to that of the Leading 
Metropolitan Hotels of the United States. 



GEO. H. FAS SETT, 

manager. 

THE JEJU_ SPRINGS. 

To the highly curative proprieties of these 
waters and the charms of the place is added an 
elegant and capacious Swimming Bath. 

These waters purify the blood, refresh, renew 
and restore the whole system. 

They cure Rheumatism, Sciatica, Dyspepsia, 
Erysipelas, Kidney and Liver Dispases, Chronic 
Diarrhcea, Paralysis and Pulmonary Complaints 
in the early stages. 

These waters are a specific in cases of Malaria, 
Chill and Ague Fever. 

They afford magical relief in cases of Nervous- 
ness Sleeplessness and General Debility. 

Visitors leave San Francisco at 8 a. m. for St. 
Helena, thence by daily stage (Sundays ex- 
cepte-l>, avriving at the iEtnas at 6 p. M. 

For Pamphlet containing Analysis and Cures, 
address WH, BITKNELL, Sup't, or Will. 
H. LIlftKLL. Proprietor, Udell P. O., 
Napa ■ <>,, «'al. 



A PRIZE.- 



Send six cents for post- 
age, and receive free, a 
costly box of goods which 
will help all.of either sex, 
to more money right away than anything else in 
this world. Fortunes await the workers abso- 
lutely sure. At once address True & Co., Au- 
gusta, Maine. 



SAN-TINE LI 



Cures all recent and chronic urinary diseases. 
Dire 'toons in all languages. Sold by all Drug- 
gists at SI. 00 a bottle, or sent by express on 
receipt of price, secure from observation. Fair- 
mount Chemical Co., Cincinnati, Ohio, U. 
S.A. 




BEER 



DR. SPINNEY, 

No. II KEARNY ST., 
Treats all Chronic and Special Disease s 

YOUNG MEN. 

The following symptoms are frequently met 
with among young men : 

Loss of Memory and Energy, Eyes growin 
Weak, Eruptions on the Forehead, Unrefreshing 
Sleep, Bad Feeling on rising in the Morning, 
Loss of Appetite, Palpitation of the Heart, 
Despondency, Timidity, Brooding over the Past, 
Apprehensions for the Future, Aversion to So- 
ciety, an unnatural preference for Solitude, and 
many others. These are the results of youthful 
follies or indiscretions, and those suffering from 
any or all of them will do well to avail them- 
selves of this, the greatest boon ever laid at the 
altar of suffering humanity. DR. SPINNEY 
will guarantee to forfeit S500 for a case of any 
kind or character which he undertakes and fails 
to cure. 

AIT DOLE- AG ED MEN. 

There are many at the age of thirty to sixty 
who are trouble with diseases of Kidney and 
Bladder and a weakening of the system in a 
manner the patient cannot account for. Many 
men die of this difficulty, ignorant of the cause. 
Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure in all s uch 
cases, and a healthy restoration of the affected 
parts. 

Office Hours— 10 to 4 and 6 to 8. Sundays, 
from 10 to 11 a.m. Consultation free. Thorough 
examination and advice 35. Call or address, 
DR. SPINNEY & CO., 11 Kearny St., S. F. 



DR. ALLEN'S 

PRIVATE DISPENSARY, 

26J Kbarnt Street, San Francisco, Cal. 

Established for tbe Scientific and Speedy Cure of 

Chronic, Nervous and Special Diseases. 

THE EXPERT SPECIALIST, 

r. Allen, is a regular Physician from University 
of Michigan. He is acknowledged to be the most 
expert Surgeon in his specialty on the Pacific 
Coast. 

YOUNG MEN 
And MIDDLE-AGED MEN, who suffer from the 
effects of Youthful Indiscretions or Excesses in 
maturer years, Nervous and Physical Debility, 
loss of energy and memory, etc., remember I 
have a Vegetable Compound, the result of many 
years of special practice, which under my special 
advice has never failed of success in the cure of 
weakness, kidney and bladder diseases, etc. 

Hospital Experience, 
(Having been Surgeon in two leading hospitals) 
enables me to treat all private troubles with ex- 
cellent results. I wish it distinctly understood 
that I do not claim to perform impossibilities. 
I claim only to be a bkilful and sdcessful Phy- 
sician and Surgeon, thobougiily informed in my 
specialty — 

Diseases of Man. 

All will receive my honest opinion of their 
complaints — no experimenting. I will guarantee 
a positive cure in every case I undertake, or 
forfeit §1,000. Consultation in office or by letter 
free and strictly private. Charges moderate. 
Call or address DR. ALLEN, 

26 1-2 Kearny street, San Francisco, Cal. 



THE 



WHITE HOUSE, 

Honolulu, H. I. 



Guests visiting the Islands can secure com- 
fortable Rooms, with or without Board, at 
Reasonable Figures. 

MRS. JAMES T. WHITE, 
Proprietress. 



THE SOUTH BRITISH AND 

NATIONAL INS. CO. 
W. J. CALLINGHAM & CO., 

No. 218 SANBOME ST., BAH FBANOISCO 



Recommended by the Faculty' 

TAR RANT' S 

COMPOUND EXTRACTS 

— OF — 

Cubebs and Copaiba. 

This compound is 
superior to any pre- 
paration hitherto in- 
vented, combining in 
a very highly concen- 
trated state the med- 
ical properties of the 
Cubebs and Copaiba. 
One recommendation 
this preparation en- 
joys over all others 
is its neat, portable 
^m — form, put up in petsj 

the mode in which it may be taken is both 
pleasant and convenient, being in the 
form of a paste, tasteless and does not 
impair the digestion. Prepared only by 
TAPvRANT & CO., 
Druggist and Chemists, 278 and 280 
Greenwich street, New York. 

Fob Sale By All Dbuqgists, 




To the Unfortunate I 
Dr Gibbon's Dispensary. 

623 sn? 

Ban FranclBco— Es- 
tablished in 1854 for 
the treatment and 
cure of Special Dis- 
eases, nervous and 
physical Debility, or 
diseases wearing on 
body and mind, per- 
manently cured. 
The sick and afflict- 
^ ed should not fail 
jwjto call upon Mm. 
&£ The Doctor has tra- 
veled extensively fn" Europe, and inspected 
thoroughly the hospitals there, obtaining a 
great deal of valuable information, which he 
is competent to impart to those In need of 
his services. The Doctor cures when other 
fail. Try him. DR. GIBBON will make no 
charge unless he effects a cure. Persons at a 
distance may be CURED AT HUME. All 
communications strictly confidential. Charge 
resonable. Call or write. Address DR. J. 
F. GIBBON, Box 1957, San Francisco. Men- 
tion the WASP. 




OCEANIC STEAMSHIP CO. 

J. D. SPRECKELS & BRO'S, 
321 Market Street, 

ownebs or 

Spreckels' Line of Packets. 

Paekages and Freight to Honolulu. 



DEALERS IN FURS. 



Alaska Commercial Co., 
310 Sansome Street, 

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. 



Wholesale 



14 



THE WASP. 



THINGS THAT ARE NOT, 



{birds in last year's nest, 
izf « - - if 
points " " " pin. 

— N. Y. Morning Journal. 



There is no 



There is no 



f strength in last year's cheese, 
1 oil " " " greese ; 

i curl " " " hair, 

\fun " " (( " tear.'* 

— Chicago Sun. 

in last year's jokes, 
" " " "pokes"; 
" " " broom, 
" " " "boom." 

/ton Hatchet. 



There is no 



wit 
style 
sweep 
power 

/'cash 
J sense 
1 "flirt" 

V dearth 



in last year's "pools," 
" " " fools; 
" " " prudes, 
,( " " dudes. 

Sunday Star. 



There is no 



I fuddle 
J mash 
| pleasure 



There is no 



('news 
I truth 
j spray 
Upring 



Wilmington 
in last year'i 

— Qorham 
in last year' 



There is no 



mend 
peace 
style 
sense 



s drinks, 

winks ; 

hugs, 

jugs- 
Mountaineer. 

s cable, 

fable ; 

billow, 

pillow. 
-The Hatchet. 



in last year's coat, 
" " " goat; 
" " " hat, 
" " " "bat." 

— Wasp. 



"Lemonaare remarkably cheap this year," said 
the Sunday-school superintendent to the deacon, 
while they were making arrangements for the an- 
nual Sunday-school picnic. " So I hear," answered 
the deacon ; "but why do you mention it?" "I 
was thinking," said the superintendent, musingly, 
" seeing they're so cheap, that it wouldn't be a bad 
thing to make a new departure at the picnic this 
year and put some in the lemonade." — Somerville 
Journal. 



"The Great Untaxed' 
Vanderbilt.— N. Y. Star. 



is the latest name for 




(uticura 



POSITIVE CURE 

for every form of 

®SKIJV& BLOOD 
DISEASE. 

FBOM 

PIMPLES to SCROFULA 

TTCHING, Scaly, Pimply, Scrofulous, Inherited, Contagious and 
-*- Copper Colored Diseases nf the Blood, Skin and Scalp, with 
loss of H*ir, are positively cured by the Cuticora Remedies. 

Cuticura Resolvent, the new blood purifier, cleanses the blood 
and perspiration of impurities and poisonous elements, and re- 
moves the cause. 

Cuticura, the great Skin Cure, instantly allays Itching 1 and In- 
flammation, clears the Skin and Scalp, heals Ulcers and Sores, and 
restores the Hair. 

Cuticura Soap, an e-cquisite Skin Beautifier and Toilet Requi- 
site, prepared from Cuticora, is indispensable in treating; Skin 
Diseases, Baby Humors, Skin Blemishes, Chapped and Oily 
Skin. 

Cuticora Remedies are absolutely pure and the only infallible 
Blood Purifiers and Skin Beautifierg. 

Sold everywhere. Price — Cuticura, 50 cents; Soap, 25 cents; 
Resolvent, SI. Prepared by Potter Droq and Chemical Co., 
Boston, Mass. 

43J* Send for "How to Cure Skin Diseases." 



30 DAYS' TRIAL. 

To 3c oung, old, rich or poor, 
both sexes,— scop drugging, . 
and cure youraelf with DR. 
HORNE'S (New Improved) 
Klectric Belt. Electricityis 
Life, and a lack of It la Dis- 
ease and Death. Thousands 
testify to its priceless value. 
80,000 cures reported In 1883, 
Whole family can wear same Belt- Cures without medi- 
cine. Pains In the Back, Hips. Head or Limbs, Nervous 
Debility, Lumbago, General Debility, Rheumatism, Par- 
alysis, Neuralgia, Sciatica, Disease of Kidneys, Spinal 
Diseases, Torpid Liver, Gout, Asthma, Heart Disease, 
Dyspepsia, Constipation, Erysipelas, Indigestion. Rup- 
ture. Catarrh, Piles, Kpilrpsv. a true, Diabetes. Send stamp 

for Pamphlet. W. J. HOKHE, 702 Market St., Saa Fran- 
cisco, Cal. Inventor, Proprietor and Manufacturer- 





I inv BOCUTP can secure 
LADY AbEN IS permanent 

employment aud good salary 
selling Queen City Skirt and 
StockTnsSupportersetc. Sam- 
ple outfit free. Address Queen 
City Suspender Co. , Cincinnati, 0. 



THE NARROW GUAGE, 



Cuba is certainly preparing for annexation to the 
United States. Baseball is taking the place of 
bull fights on that much disturbed island. — Ex- 
change. 

The monk does not always cease to be a man. 
The members of an ornithological congress that 
was lately held at Vienna visited, with their wives, 
the wealthy Benedictine monastery at Melk, on 
the Donau. The spacious cloisters, rich dining 
hall, well-filled library, scientific collections, gar- 
dens, park, the lovely view and a generous collation 
raised their admiration to the utmost. As they 
left an enthusiastic lady said to one of the younger 
monks: "You are in heaven here." He was 
equal to the occasion. "We should be," here- 
plied, "but that we lack the angels." — Paris 
Letter. 



Achille Narcisse de Fontainebleau 
Broke off both great and little teau. 
( Mon dieu I " he cried, " I vill be bleaud ! 
I vonce vas man, but now tree-teaud." 



The cheeky Boston Globe heads the solicitation 
of a correspondent to divulge the name of Cain's 
wife, " We can but we won't." 



Half a pint of whisky will kill all the potato 
bugs in a ten-acre lot. — Chicago Sun. That is 
where a Chicago man has the bulge on the potato 
bug. — Wilmington Star. 



Mrs. Mackay's new dress, made by Worth, is 
said to be a " perfect poem." The poem probably 
begins in this way : 



wO^v^^. vOv .'S^v^vOv^vO 



-Bismarck Tribune. 



11 Well, John," aaid'old man Jordan to his young 
friend, "you have just been married, I hear 1 " 

" Yes, sir," he answered with a spring-morning 
smile, "just a month ago: and I want you to go 
up to dinner with me to-day." , 

" Have you got a cook ? " 

"No." 

' ' Well, my boy, B'pose we go to a restaurant this 
time. You must remember I had a young wife 
once myself. " — Merchant Traveler. 



While the Philadelphia cricketers were winning 
games abroad the New York papers referred to 
them as the "American Cricket Team." As soon 
as they lost a game they became the " Quaker 
City Team." — Norristoivn Herald. 



1 Pray, what's a bolter? " Johnny cried ; 

" I hear of bolters ev'ry day." 
' A bolter's one," the sire replied, 

" Who can't command and won't obey." 

— Somerville Journal. 



Keely of motor fame calls himself a natural 
genius. Well, N. G. would look very well after his 
name. — Hartford Telegraph. 



A woman killed a little girl in Nova Scotia the 
other day by striking her with a sea shell. Proba- 
bly she stooped to conch her. — Hatchet. 



" Yes, sir," he said, " I was on a jury once out in 
Indiana, and we were in the jury room ten days." 

" What was the case ? " 

"Murder." 

" What was the trouble ? Couldn't you agree 
on a verdict ? " 

" Naw, I wanted the man hung, and the others 
didn't. And do you know I argued with them 
'leven men ten straight days, and then I couldn't 
make 'em agree with me. Men who won't listen 
to reason ain't fit to serve on a jury." — N. Y. Sun. 

" Yes, sir," he said, much excited j "he's a liar, 
and I told him so." 

' ' That's rather a risky thing to do ; I wonder he 
didn't knock you down." 

" Oh, I told him through the telephone." 



" In India a witness can be hired for a dollar 
that will swear to any lie," says the Courier-Gazette. 
A dollar that will swear to a lie must be a trade 
dollar. — Boston Times. 



H U CELEBRATED ^ *1^ 




Sitters 



To the needs of the tourist, 
commercial traveler and new 
settler, Hostetter's Stomach 
Bitters is peculiarly adapted, 
since it strengthens the di- 
gestive organs and braces the 
physical energies to unhealth- 
ful influences. It removes 
and prevents malarial fever, 
constipat ion, dyspepsia, 
healthfully stimulates the 
kidneys and bladder, and en- 
riches as well as purifies the 
blood. When overcome by 
fatigue, whether mental or 
physical, the weary and de- 
bilitated find it a reliable 
source of renewed strength 
and comfort. 

For sale by all Druggists 
and Dealers generally. 




1,1E 

and Iodide of Potass. 

TIBi: BEST BLOOD jri'ltH'SI* BE AND TONIC ALTERA 

II VE IV USE. 

It quickly cures all diseases originating from a disordered state 
of the Blood and Liver ; it invigorates the Stomach, Liver and 
Bowels, relieving Dyspepsia, Indigestion and Constipation, re- 
stores the Appetite, and increases and harue>ns the Flesh. 

Rlienniiitlsm, Neuralgia, Blotches, Boils. Hlmplrs, 
Scrofula, Gout. Dropsy. Tumors. Halt Rlicniu and 
Mercurial l*alns readily yield to its purifying properties. It 
leaves the Blood Pure, the Liver and Kidneys lleallhy, 
the Complexion Bright and Clear. 

FOR SALE BY ALL DRUGGISTS. 

J R. GATES & CO., Proprietors, 

417 Sansome St., cor. Commercial, San. Francisco. 




3BC e* e KT o Equal: 

Strongest, Purest, Best and Most Econom- 
ical in the Market. 

Never Varies in QuaBity. 

Recommended to CONSUMERS by leading Physi- 
cians, Chemists and members of tho San 
Francisco Board of Health. 

PREPARED BY THE 

BOTHIN MANUFACTURING COMPANY, 

San Fbancisco and Sacramento. 



WEAK, UNDEVELOPED PARTS 

OF THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED, 

STRF.NriTHKNED. Etc., ia up Interesting advertisement 
long run i pour paper. In reply to inquiries, we will say that 
thereiB no evidence "f jiantbng abonttMai On the contrary. 



,lhe advertisers ;i 



i very highly Endorsed. Intm-sted persona 



may iri't m-iilcd circulars givinuT ill 1 p>j.rti.-ulnr.^, by aciilrr".^ 
fail! MKF>ir,tr, fV>.. jiiiiTftlo. N. Y.— Toledo Evening Bee. 



^Positively cured in 60 days by 
^l>r. Home's Elcetro-Miicnetle 
Belt-Trui*», combined. Guaran- 
teed the only one in the world 
"EoneivUinga continuous Electric £■ Mag- 
...'ic Current. Scientific, Powerful, Durable, 
Comfortable and Effective in curing Rup- 
ture. PrirvHodiiffii. fiOOeim-diiin:*. Scud for pamphlet 
ELECTKO-MAGTNETIC TRUSS t'tWiPAJSTY- 
70S Makset Sikuet, Ban FiiAHClsco. 



THE WASP. 



15 



PACIFIC COAST 
STEAMSHIP COMPANY. 



Steamers of this Company will 
mi from Broadway Wharf, Sai. 
Prandseo, for porta Ln California, 
* Oregon, Washington and Idaho 
I errltorles, British Columbia and Alaska, as fol 
Iowa : 

California Southern Con*! Route. 

Steamers will sail about oven -<■■ -mi day a. m. 
(or the following port** (6Xcu{ib ig San Diego, 
every fifth day), viz: Bantu nis, Monterey, 
San Simeon, Cayueos, Port Hiirford, San Luis 
Obispo, Gaviota, Santa Barber . entura, Hue- 
oeme, S n Pedro Lus Air.-ik- is.i .San L'k'go. 

BritfHb Coluuihln nu<l iiasku Route. 

— Steamship IDAHO, earrjin.- I'. S. Mails, sails 
from Portland, Oregon, in <r I'wut the 6th of 
each month, for Port TowoBend, W. T., Viet iria, 
»od Nanaimo, B. C, Fort Wraogel, Sitka and 
HarriBburg, vlaska, connecting at Port Town- 
aend with Victoria and Pugot ->nund. Steamer 
tearing San Francisco on or about the 1st of 
the same month. 

Victoria anil Paget Hound Route.— 

The steamers l>UEEN OF PACIFIC ind MEX- 
ICO, carrying Her Britanic Majesty's and 
United States mails, sail from Broadway Wharf, 
San Francisco, at 10 a. M., on July 2d, 10th, 
18th, 26th and Auk. 3d, and every eighth day 
there if tor for Victoria, 8. C, Port Townsend, 
Seattle, Tacoma, Steila oom and Olympia, mak- 
ing close ronneetion with iteambnats, etc., for 
Skagit River and Cassiar lines, Nanaimo, New 
Westminster, Yale, Sitka ind all other impor- 
tant points. Returning, >*ave Seattle and Port 
Townsend on July 2d, 10th, ISth, 27th, and 
every eighth day thereafter, and Victoria at 
12 m. on July 3d, 11th, 10th, 2Sth, and every 
eighth day thereafter. 

Portland, Oregon, Route.— The Oregon 
Railway and Navigation Company and the Pa- 
cific Coast Steamship Company dispatch from 
Spear Street Wharf one of the steamships 
8TATE OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON or CO- 
LUMBIA, carrying the I'nitcd States Mail. 
Balling days— July 3d, 8th, 13th, 18th, 23d, 
28th and August 2d, and every following fifth 
day for Portland *ud Astoria, Oregon. 

Eureka and Ilnmuoldt Bay Route — 

Steamer CITY OF CHESTER sails from San 
Francisco for Eureka, Areata, Hookton (Hum- 
bolt Bay) every Wednesday at 9 a. m. 

Point Arena and Mendocino Route.— 

Steamer YAQUINA sails from Broadway 
Wharf, San Francisco, at 3 p. M. every Monday 
for Point Arenas, Cuffey's Cove, Little River 
and Mendocino. 

TICKET OFFICE, 314 .Montgomery St. 

(Opposite the Russ House) 

G00DALL, PERKINS & CO., General Agenta 

No. 10 Market St., San Francisco. 



The G-reat Burlington Route 

CHICAGO, BURLINGTON & 
QUINCY RAILROAD. 

EASTWARD. 



Is The Old Favorite and Principal 
Line From 

OMAHA, KANSAS CITY, ATCHISON 
and ST. JOSEPH 

For CHICAGO, 

ST. LOUIS, 

MILWAUKEE, 

Detroit, Niagara Falls, 
NEW YORK, BOSTON, 

And all points East and Southeast. 

THE LINE COMPRISES nearly 4,000 
miles. Solid, Smooth Steel Track. All 
connections are made in UNION DE- 
POTS. It ha3 a National Reputation as 
being THE GREAT THROUGH CAR- 
LINE and is universally conceded to be 
the FINEST EQUIPPED railroad in the 
World for all classes of travel. 

Try it, and you will find traveling & 
luxury instead of a discomfort. 

Through TicketB via this celebrated line 
for sale at all offices in the West. 

All information about Rates of Fare, 
Sleeping - Car Accommodations, Time 
TableB, etc., will be cheerfully given by 
applying to 

PERCEYAL LOWELL, 
Genl Passenger Agt., Chicago, Illai 

T. J. POTTEH, 

Gen'I Manager, Chicago. Ills. 



T D. JIcKAl, General Agent 

Hanibal and St. Joseph and 
Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroads, 
32 Montgomery Street. 



SOUTH PACIFIC COAST 
RAILROAD. 

Passenger Tntins leave Station, foot of Market 
street, South Side at 

8»Ofl A* M., daily, Alvarado, Newark, Cen- 
,OU terville, Alvieo, Santa Clara, SAN 
JOSE, Los Oatos, Wrights, Glen wood, Felton, 
Bi;,' Troan, SANTA OEUZ and all Way Stations. 

2.0fl P. si. (except Sunday), Express: -Mt. 
•OU Eden, Alvarado, Newark, Centcrville, 
Alviso, Aguews, Santa Clara, SAN JOSE, Los 
Gatos and all station to SANTA CRUZ. 

4„Qfl P - M - daily, for SAN JOSE, Lo» Gatos 
■ OU and intermediate points. SATUR- 
DAYS and SUNDAYS to SANTA CRUZ. 

(UK EXCURSIONS TO SANTA CRUZ AND 
U)U JfW.GO to SAN JOSE, on SATURDAYS 
and SUNDAYS, to return until MONDAY, in- 
clusive. 

8iftfi A- ai -- every Sunday, excursion to 
• UU SAN JOSE, BIG TREES and SANTA 
ORUZ. 
JJJA to BIG TREES and SANTA CRUZ. 

to SANTA CLARA and SAN JOSE. 



81.75 



TO OAKLAND AND ALAMEDA. 

§0.00, §6.30, §7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 
mOO, 10.30, 11 00, 11.30 A. M. H12.00, 12.30, 
■i 1 IK), 1.80, "12. 00, 2.30, 3.00. 3.30, 4 00, 4.30, 5.00 
f>.jP, 13 00, H.30, 7.00, 7.30, 8.30, 10.4f,, 11. -Hi P.M. 

From Fourteenth mhI Webster streets, 

Onklnnd 5S.30, 80.00. S0-30, 7.00, 7.30 8.00, 
8.30. 9.00, 9.30, 10.00, 10.30, 1111.00, 11 30 A. M. 
1I12.0O, 12.30, U1.00, 1.30, 2 00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 
4.00, 4.30, 5.00, 6.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 9.30, 
10.45, 11.45 P. M. 

From High street, Alameda- §5.10, §6.46, 
66.16, 6.<6, 7.10, 7.46. 8.16, 8.46. 0.16. 9.40, 
10.16, H10.46, 11.16, U11.46 A. M. 12 10, 112.46, 
1.16, 1.46, 2.16, 2.46, 3.16, 3.46, 4 10, 4.46, 6.16, 
5.46, 6.16, 6.46, 7.16, 9.16, 11.31 P. M. 

§ Sundays excepted. 

il Saturdays and Sundays only. 

TICKET, Telegraph and Transfer offices 233 
Montgomery street, S. F. 



L. FILLMORE, 

Superintendent. 



R. M. GARRATT, 
Q. F. &, P. Aet. 



The Cocoa Crop is Short 



Look Out for Adulterations. 



By Using 

WALTER BAKER & GO'S 

Chocolate 

Yon will be Sure of Secur- 
ing the Best. 

TVM, T. COLEMAN A CO. 

Sole Agents* 



GREAT ENGLISH 
REMEDY 

Is a certain cure for 
Nervous Debility, 
Lost Vitality, and 
all the evil effects of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. 
DR. MINTIE.who 
a regular physi- 
cian, graduate ot 
the University of 
Pennsylvania, will agree to forfeit Five Hun- 
dred D0LLAP3 for a case of the kind the VITAL 
RESTORATIVE (under his special advice und 
treatment) will not cure. Price $1.50 a bottle ; 
four times the quantity, $5. fr-ent to any address, 
Confidentially, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D., No. 
11 Kearny street, S. F. Send for pamphlet. 

SAMPLE BOTTLE, FREE, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating Bymptoms, sex 
and age. Strict secrecy in all transactions. 




THE AMERICAN 

SUGAR REFINERY, 

San Francisco. 

Manufacturers of all classes of Bcnned 

gngars, Including Loaf Sugar 

for Export. 

C. ADOLPHE LOW & CO., 

Agents. 
Office, 308 California St. 



Pi THOMAS HALL'S 




ABSOLUTELY PURE 

A delightful appetizer, giving tone ana strength 
to the stomach, and as a tonic beverage it has no 
equal; will cure Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Fever 
and Ague, Biliousness, General Debility and 
kindred diseases. 

ThiB tonic is most beneficial in its results ; it 
braces the system, creates an appetite, and de- 
stroys that wretched feeling of ennui which we 
constantly labor under in this enervating climate. 
The tonic for its mcdicttl qualities excels any 
other ever offered to the public, having taken the 
first premium at the fairs of Sacramento, San 
Jose, Stockton, Oakland and San Francisco for 
absolute purity, mode from pure California Port 
Wine, Wine of P' pain and Elixir Calisaya. 

£3TForsa!e everywhere throughout the State. 
Depot at JAMES H. GATES' drug store, cor. New 
Montgomery and Howard streets. San Francisco. 




I»lt. LIEBIirS 

WONDERFUL 

GERMAN 
INVIGORATOR, 

The greate t remedy 
for the cure of Nervous 
and Physical Debility, 
Vital Exhaustion, 
Weakness, i oss of Vi- 
tality, and all the re- 
sults of udNcretions, etc. The German Treat- 
ment prevents permanently all unnatural losses 
from the system. 

The Doctor, a regular college physician from 
Europe, will agree to forfeit §1,000 for a case un- 
dertaken not cured. The reason thousands can 
not get cured of Weakness, Lost Vitality, and 
the above Diseases is owing to a complication 
called PROSTATORRHEA, with Hyperesthesia, 
which requires special treatment. 

DR. LIEBIG'S INVIGORATOR No. 2 is the 
only POSITIVE CURE for PROSTATORRHEA. 
Price of either Invigorator $2: case of six bot- 
tle, $10. 

DR. LIEBIG & CO., for the past seventeen 
years have made an exclusive specialty of Dis- 
eases of Men. DiBease, however induced, speed- 
il , thoroughly and permanently cured, recent 
cas'-s in a few days; inveterate cases skillfully 
treated; chajges moderate. 

If pimples appear on the face, if you become 
listless and despondent look out for the compli- 
cation with Vital Weakness and loss of Vitality 
known as Prostatorrhca. Hundreds of lives 
have been lost for the want of proper treatment 
for this complication, and thousands have lost 
all their property and pleasure in life from its 
effects. A perfect and permanent cure will be 
guaranteed in any case undertaken, under our 
special advice and treatment. 

Call or address DR. LIEBIG & CO., 400 
Geary Street, San Francisco. Private en- 
trance, 406 Mason street, four blocks up 
Geary street from Kearny. 
Most Powerful Electric Belts free to patients. 
£ST To prove the wonderful power of the IN- 
VIGORATORS a $2 bottle given free. 

Consultation, advice and examination free and 
private. 



J.D.SPRECKELS&BROS., 

Shipping and Commission 

JVI erchan ts. 



AGENTS FOR 

Sprccbels' Line of Hawaiian Paekets, 
S. S. Hepwortb/s Centrifugal Ma- 
chines, Reed's Patent Pipe 
and liollcr Covering. 

No. 327 Market Street, 

Comer Fremont SAN FRANCISCO 



BILLIARDS. 



P. LIESENFELD, Manufacturer. 

ESTABLISHED I8B9. 

SOLK AOBNTS FOR TUB ONLY OBNUINB 

Patent Steel Plate Cushion, 

Guaranteed for Ten Tears. 

The Ho si Elcgiinl Stock of Milliard and 

Pool rallies on (be Pacific roast. 

9 4 5 Folsom Street, 

NEAR SIXTH. 

Prlcctt 20 per cent. Lower than any 

other lloutte on the Coast* 

iS~ SEND FOR A CATALOGUE. ■» 




•HT Cdtirb with 

UNFAILING O K R- 
TAINTY NerVOU9 

and Physical De 
bility, Vital Ex- 
haustion, Weak- 
ness, Loss of Vi- 
tality, and all tha 
terrible reBUIts'of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. It pre- 
vents permanent- 
y all weakening 

drains upon the 

the system. 1-ERMANt.NT - raas Guarantbbd. 
1 rice S2.50 per b'ttle, or five bottles $10.00. 
To be had only of DR. C. D. SALFIELD, 216 
Kearny street, ^ an Francisco. 

TRIAL BOTTLE FREE, 
^ufflcit-nt to show its merit, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating his symptoms and 
age.. Communications strictly confidential. 



WILT IAMS,DIMOKD &CO. 

SHIPPING AND 

Commission Merchants, 

UNION BLOCK, 
.ltim-tii.il Market and Pine Streets.. 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



AGENTS POK PACIFIC MAIL S. S. 
Co.; the Pacific Steam Navigation Co.; the 
Cunard Royal Mail S. S. Co. ; the Hawaiian Line; 
the China Traders' Insurance Co. (Limited); the 
Marine Insurance Co. of London ; the Baldwin 
Locomotive Works; the Glasgow Iron Co.; Nich, 
Ashton & Son's Salt. 



Opera Glasses 

the litest just received. 

1863. ONLY PEBBLE ESTAB'MT. 1884 




MULLER'S OPTICAL DEPOT. 

136 MONTGOMERY STREET, 

Near Bush. 

Orders by Mall or Express Promptly 
A (tended to. 

Compound Astigmatic Lenses 
tlounted to order at wo honrs notice. 



U» "■ LMjujgJjajJft^^ 27 



POST ST. 

ii -l u:i l- isi.::.) 



ESTABLISHED 1858. 

W. K. VANOERSLIGE & CO. 

MAM IA<TI Ul\(. 

Jewelers and 
Silversmiths, 

136 SUTTER ST. 

Howard. W.iltham & Elgin 

WATCHES. 

DIAMONDS. 

Order* by flail "ill receive Prompt 
and 4'iiriTul Alleiilhin, tioodfl •< in 

to :nn p.n'i of Hie -i;m- or 
Terrll«rh'- 




Optical Institute, 427 Kearny 
$2, $2.50 and $3 

Buys the Finest Spectacles in ex- 
istence; $1, 50c. and 25r* those 
of lower grade. Adjusting Spec- f' 
tacles to »uit the various condi- ff t\s- 
ttons of the sight a specialty. T^ U S K JK", ■ 
other optician has o tan get su- -h"- A 
facilitiesas are to be found at this 
establishment, because ihe 
strument used for measuring the 
strength of the eye is my own invention and 
patent, nnd is the only one ever invented that 
will give the exact amount of imperfection in 
one's sight. Beware of impostors, who tell you 
or their long experience, that they make lenses, 
etc., as the Optical In-titi'te is the only place 
on this coast where lenses are ground to order. 
L. A. BERTLtNG, Scientific Optician, 
427 Kearny St. (successor to Bertling& Watry) 




Cut this Out and Keep It for Reference. 




WEARING the DUPLEX GALVANIC BELT 
The unparalleled success of this medical belt 
in the cure of Nervoud Weakness and Prostra- 
tion, lmpotenty, Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Dys- 
pepsia, Constipation and all Liver and Kidney 
Diseases, is attested by thousand who have been 
cured by it. It is not the only Galvanic Belt in 
the market, but it is the only one that ever re- 
ceived a silver medal as a premium. It is m i- 
versally acknowledged to be the best in tub 
world. It is adapted toself-treatinpnt and cure 
at home. Full instructions go with every belt. 
Pri'eof belt, complete, either male or female, 
$10. Sent prepaid to any address for CASH, 
or by exprfss C O.D. 

AridrcHM DUPLEX ii \ LVAMI CO., 113 
Kearny si., gun Francisco, C'al. 



FIRE. MARINE. 

The LArgcet Pfcclflc COMt Insurance Co. 

OF CALIFO^ISIIA. 

iSSETS, 8l.5O0.000 

Home Office: S. IK cor. Cat. <£ Sansomc. 
SAX IKAXIMO, . CAL. 



0. L HUTCHINSON. H. B. MANN. 

Hutchinson & Mann, 

U\S UHA NOB AGENC F, 

\. B. i ur. < ullfui uia .ni.l ftuiutouie 8U. 

OAXB AS8ET8 KEPKE8ENTED, $23,613,618 
W. L. CUalujerB, Z. P. Olark, special Agents 
»ud Adjuster!), Capt. A. M. Barns, Marine 
flnrvxyor. 



D. J. Stapliw, Prea. 
Wit. J. Dotton, Sec. 



ALPimrjs Bcll, Vice-Pree. 
E.W. Carpbntkr, Ass'tSec. 



THE UNIVERSAL 

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIA- 
TION of California for 
Unmarried Persons. 
OFFICE. 1038 MISSION ST. 



€-£• SEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUES and LISTS 




MUSIC OTORE 
ARKED VUCCESS. 



HAZELTON PIANOS. 

Unequalled for Tone and Brilliancy. 

BENHAM PIANOS, HOME MANUFACTURE. 

First-Class and Medium Price. 



MAEKET2 RE iJ< 



Chas. S. Eaton 
A. M. Benham 



&TBEST EDITIONS SHEET MUSIC 10 CTS. A COPY. 



USE 
Dr. 




BITTERS 



HENLEY'S 

The Great Tonic of the Nineteenth Century. 



OVERLAND SHORT LINE 
General Ticket OOlee, 2 NEW MONTGOMERY ST., In Palace Hotel, 

CHICAGO & NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY 

NOT ONLY THE PIONEER LINE 

But Acknowledged to be the 

VERY BEST LINE ON THE CONTINENT. 
.1. M. i»AVli:s. r.encral Agent. 



"THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST." 

Total Increase over Thip.tken Millions. 

Surplus arove Liauilitiks uvbk Tex Millions. 

Buy your Insurance in the 

N. Y. LIFE INSURAECE CO. 

Tola! Assets, • $55*543,903.72 

Total Increase, $13,661. 350. «»(» 

Those wishing a safe and secure Life Policy, at 

liberal termy, can apply to A. ii. II.ttWE!*, 

Manager for Pacific Coast, 220 Sansoiie St., S.F. 




PHOTOGRAPHER , 

8 Montgomery Street. San Francisco. 



H. L. Dodge, 
I. II. Sweeney 



.1. K. liugglc, 
F. W. Van Sickle] 



DODGE, SWEENEY & CO., 

Wholesale Provision Dealers and 
< oiiuuission Merchants, 

114-116 MARKET & 11-13 CALIFORNIA, 

Sole Agents for " Libby, McNeill ft Libby's 

Canned Meats," "H. M. Dupee's Chicago Hams." 

I". O. Itox l'->4'.'. 



W. T. COLEMAN & CO . 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants, 

S. E. Cor. Market and Main streets, 

SAN FRANCISCO. • 



I CHI BAN 



SEE ADVERTISEMENT <>\ III! A 11 I 111 1'K.I.. 



STEINWAY PIANOS. 

Exclusively used by PATTI, GEISTER and DOTTI. 
MATTHIAS GRAY, Sole Agent, 206 POST ST., S. F. 



SELBY SMELTING AND LEAD COMPANY, 
416 Montgomery Street, ------- San Francisco 

Gold anil Sliver Bcllncry anil Assay Ofllcc. 
Highest Prices Paid for Gol J, Silver and Lead Ores and Sulphurets. Manufacturers of BLUE- 
STONE. Also, Lead Pipe, Sheet Lead, Shot, etc. This Company has the best facilities on the 
Coast for workiDg GOLD, SILVER and LEAD in their various forms. 

PRENTISS SELBY, Superintendent. 



W. G. Badger, 

SOLE AGENTS FOB. 

HALLET\ DAVIS & CITS 

CELEBRATED 

PIANOS, 

G»o. Woods & Co's Parlor and Vestry Organs, 

*o. Ill Saiisimir Slreel. S. y. 



lEPOltE BUYING YOUR 




SAFE 



Call and see our large stock. 
Beoond-haod BaJM ahvavs 
on hand. Safes sold on the 
Installment Flan. 

Halls Safe and Lock Co., 

211 A BIS 4.4LIFOICM4 ST., S.F. 

GEORGE MORROW & CO , 

Established 1854. 

Hay, Grain & Commission 

Merchants. 

SUIPI'EVG OICIIEKS .1 SPECIALTY. 

39 Clay Street, San Franci sco. 

A REVOLUTION 

IN TIIK 

TREATMENT OF DISEASE. 

MAGNETIC SHIELDS, 

The Great Curative Agent of 
our Times. 

T> HEUMATISM, NEURALGIA 
AV and DYSPEPSIA cannot 
exist where these ShieldB are 
worn. Nothing in the history 
of our world equals the wonder- 
ful cures wrought by wearing 
our Mitotic 1 1<- Shields. A 
single pair of our 

FOOT BATTERIES 
will convince any skeptic of the 
truth of what wo say. Try a 
pair. Price $1, by mail, to any 
address. Send forour new book, 
"A Plain Road to Health." Free 

CMcago & San Francisco 
Magnet ic Shield Co. 

\JJ Kill POST STREET, 

San Francisco, Cul. 




Try Crittenden's 

DYSPEPSIA BITTERS. 

Office and Depot : 

1735 & 1737 MARKET ST. 

P. Dauscher & Co., Proprietors. 

E. H. Crittenden Sl Chas. P. Fulton, Managers. 



L. D. STONE & CO., 

(Successors to R. Stonb,) 

MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF 

Harness, Saddles.Saddlery.Hard- 

ware, Collars, Whips, Ropes, 

Horse Blankets, 

And all rinds of Harnbss & Patent Lbatukrs, 
(.".' A 4J1 Battery Street, 

Cor. Washington, San FranciBco. 

S. W. RAVELEY, 

Book and Job Printer, 

518 CLAY STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery & Sansome, San Francisco. 



BETTER THAN GOLD. 




Budweiser ° n „ W The Louvre, JUL AZ 22J E * oZrr- 



A tT ARION 



and other 
Reliable 
Makes of 



PIANO. 



You can save 25 per 

cent, by buying 

your Piano of 



E. DUNN & CO. kWJSS,!.. 



MORAGHAN'S FROZEN OYSTERS, 75c. per Can, 68 & "69 California Market. 



Coal. «&sr J. MACDONOUGH & CO., 41 MARKET STREET.-^ Coal 




W. IK. L^N"E, 

Everybody's Plumber, 

(Established I860,) 

No. 505 KEARNY ST. 



DON'T BUY 
a mued-up 

IMPORTED 

H a r n ess, 
when you can 
purchase are- 
jiabte home- 
ma'" ehnrnef s 
frr lc. sm.n- 
ty. For a 

. . _ * Rood, cbea > 

~''<^~r^-*~~Z? : ^- ^^~~77£^kfriU-- harness, ask 

price, §20 per set. Am now making of this num- 
ber 75 set par month. Our No. 20 is waved traces, 
sflalloped lays, a reliable good style business har- 
ness; price per tret, §30. Now making of this num- 
ber 40 sets perm jnth. Don't buy until you exam- 
ine our line of work. Prices range from S10 to $90 
for single, and §20 to $200 for double harness. 

W. DAVIS, 410 Market street. 

SEND FOR CATALOSUB. 




ETJBEEZA 
COTTON 

GARDEN HOSE 



Stronger three to one, and lighter two to one, 
than the beat four-plv Rubber Hose ; and if left 
out in the sun and air continuously, or, if put 
away, put away dry, will stand the roughest 
kind of usage and will last for years. 

Also, RUBBER HOSE of extra quality and at 
ow prie'e. 

W. T. ¥. SCHEKCK, 
36 California St., San Francisco, Cal. 



S. J. LEVY, Proprietor, 
D.J. LEVY, Cutter. 




To 

Order. 



Pants, - $5 

Dress Pants, 8 

Suits, - - - - 20 

Dress Fuits, - - - 35 




Throat, £mm^\ Lungs, 

Catarrh, ^^^m. Fevers. 

IT WILL CURE i J For Coughs, Colds, 

CONSUMPTION,^ Whooping Coughs and 

P. O. Box 1886. ■*''' "'' all Throat affections 



t,;a " k UAI ' h .it has no pqual. 



AddreSS: Patented Feb 20, 1883. 

V*LE\'TISR HASSIIER. 033 Washington SI:, cnr. Powell, S. F. 



JNO. LEVY & CO., 

Makers and Importers of Fine Jewelry, 

DIAMONDS, PRECIOUS STONES, WATCHES, 

SILVERWARE, CARRIAGE and MANTEL 

Clocks, Opera-glasses, Fans, Etc., 



1IH SPTTER STRF.KI 



, Son Franclse©, Cal. 



GIVE THY SON A LIBERAL EDUCATION." 

ACIFIC BUSINESS fjOLLEGE 

320 P & T 



P ACIFIC D 
LIFE MEMBERSHIP I [■ 
only S70 Ym 



SEND FOR 

CIRCULAR. 






1229 HOWARD ST. 

MATTHEW NUNAN, Prop. 
f , r-, . -iA.-,.. i ,,, . ... IAMOUNT »©ID IN 1S83: 

Beer and Porter Wholesale. \ 30,000 Barrels. 



HIBERNIA BREWERY, 



"The Wine of the Elite." 




UNEXCELLED FOR 
BOUQUET! 
DELICACY! 
DRYNESS! 



ONLY PRODUCERS OF 

Natural Sparkling Wines 

ON THE PACIFIC COAST. 



530 WASHINGTON ST S.F. CAL. 
PRODUCED BY FERMENTATION IS THE BOTTLE. 



D 



R ZEILE'S INSTITUTE 

(Established 1852.) 

The largest. Airiest and Best BATHS on the Pacllic Coast. TURKISH, 
RUSSIAN. SiEAIH, si |,|-||| ic or ill l>l< ill I> BATHS Tor Ladles and Gentle- 
men. All on the (.round Floor (no basenienl.) 

5 32 to 528 PACIFTC STBEET. P. F. 



INDESTRUCTIBLE 



EYE-GLASSES. 




WITH PATENT EASY 

NOSE-rLECE. 

OPTICIAN AND JEWELER. 



407 Kearny St.,\ 

Wear PINE. 

Send for Catalogue. 




ficllll I It <& CHASE, 13} to 139 Post St., 

Sole Agonts for the Celebrated 

Decker Bro'sPiauo 

Also for the 
FISCHER, the IE EH it and the ISLIIX- 
IMi PJanoH. 

Cash or installments. Largest Piano and Music 
House on the Coast. 



THE BOSS, 

FOR SALE BY 

Pacific Saw 

Manufacturing Company, 

Nos. 17 and 10 Fremont Street, S. F. 

Complete with Pacific Saw Manufacturing 
Company's Extra Blade, Set and Filed ready for 
work, $1.50 sach. 




Charles R. Allen, 

Importer and Dealer in 
HOUSE, STEAM, FOUNDRY AND 

CUMBERLAND COAL- 

Retail Trade a Specialty. 

180 REALE STREET. 




PALACE OYE WORKS. 



DYING. CLEANING, 
AMI RESTORING. 

Best and Cheapest 
In the City. 



Main Office, 633 MARKET ST., Palace Hotel. 

Works, 310-318 RIDLEY sT. Oakland Ollice, 1168 BROADWAY, cor. 13th. 

CHAS. J. HOLMES, PROPRIETOR. 



Merchants' and Tourists' 
Headquarters, 



THE BALDWIN. 



The Leading Hotel of San Francisco. 

H. H. PlERSON, PROPRIETOR. 
B. Hnrdenbergh, Chief Clk. HI. A. French, Cashier 



Buy FURNITURE of the INDIANAPOLIS CHAIR M'FG COMPANY, 

750 MISSION STREET, and Save 1 5 per cent. Largest Stock in the City. 



PFRRIFR'S FRENCH RESTAURANT. 

\ l_- \\ r • I ^— I » ^^ TELEPHONE 865. 



Private Rooms for Families. 
Banquet Hall. 



19 & \A O'FARRELL ST 

I «<— OC I i" near Market and Dupont. 



1 




VOLUME SHI. 



NUMBER 



Price y 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, JULY 19, 1884. 



-I lO CENTS. 



The LARGEST HAT STORE on this COAST. 



Herrmann, The Hatter. 

■ ( C. Herrmann & Co. ) • 
332 to 336 Kearny Street, 



SH AND PlNE STS. 



San Francisco. 



FINEST PHOTOS IN THE CITY 

AT THE 

IMPERIAL GALLERY, 

724^2 Market Street, 
the celebrated 

CHAMPAGNE WINES 

Of Messrs. Deutz & Gei.derman, Ay, en Champagne. 

Cachet (Blanc, r,-eS See . . ] E %l^/- a %^ s - 



Bordeaux Red ami While Wines Un Cases from Messrs. A. 

«** w&-« ■■.■„■■••! '"^SSiLSr- 

CHARLES MEINECKE & CO., 

Importers and Sole Agents, 
314 SACRAMENTO STREET. SAN FRANCISCO. 

THE NEVADA BANK 



OF SAN FRANCISCO. 
CAPITAL PAID UP ... 



$3,ooo,c 



Agency at New York 62 Wall Street. 

Agency at Virginia, Nevada. 
Buys and sells Exchange and Telegraphic Transfers. Issues 
Commercial and Travelers' Credits. 

CALIFORNIA 

SAFE DEPOSITilTRUST CO. 

3=6 MONTGOMERY ST., SAN FRANCISCO. 

J. D. Fkv, Prcs.; C. R.Thompson (late of Union Trust Co., 
N. Y.) Treas.; Wm. Cunningham, Sec. 

CAPITAL PAID UP AND SURPLUS, - $9=5,000. 

Interest Allowed on Deposits, 

At 3 per cent, per annum for Deposits to remain 30 days or 
longer; 2 per cent.- on Deposits subject to check at sight. 
Loans made on Collateral Security. 

Vault Department : Safes,- $2 to $20 per month, $15 to $200 
per year. Valuables of all kinds received on Special Deposit 
for safe keeping. Open 3 a.m. to 6 p.m., S. E. cor. Montgomery 
and California Streets. Gen'l W. L. Elliott, Vice-Pres. 

F, E. R. Whitney, Sup't and Chief of Patrol. 



CHARLES DIETLE, 
PRIZE BOOT MAKER, 

235 Bush St., San Francisco. 



SHIPPER & SCHWARTZ, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

733 Market Street, - Opposite Dupont 

san francisco, cal. 

Sol. ShU'PERj formerly of San Jose, and late from 
Portland, Oregon. 

PRIZE 



BOOT AND_SH0E MAKER. 
JOHN UTSCHIG, 



326 Bush Street, 



Sax Francisco. 



Deposit* received- Loans made on city and country property 
at low rales. 

SAN FRANCISCO WIRE WORKS. 

C. H. GRUENHAGEN, 

MANUFACTURER OF 

ALL KINDS of WIRE WORK 

669 MISSION STREET, 
BET. THIRD AND NEW MONTGOMERY. 

Best Shirts, 

Underwear and Furnishing Goods. 

CARMANY, 

25 Kearny Street. 



BURR & FINK, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

620 Market Street, 
opposite palace hotel entrance. 

Great Blood Purifier. 
DRINK 

African Stomach Bitters. 

Most Agreeable Tonic ever Prepared. 

THE CALIFORNIA 

Savings and Loan Society, 

JUNCTION MARKET AND POWELL STS. 



E. MARTIN & CO., 

Imi*orters and Wholesale Liquor Dealers. 

"ARGONAUT," "J, F. CUTTER," and "MILLER'S EXTRA' 

Old Boiruon Whiskies, 
40S FRONT STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 



gTUDEBAKER BROS.' 

CARRIAGES AND BUGGIES 

201-207 Market Street, San Francisco. 

"White House" Whiskies, 

Holland Gin, French Brandies, Port, Sherry, 

ETC., ETC. 

In Bond ok Duty Paid. 

GEORGE STEVENS, 

318 FRONT STREET, Room z, SAN FRANCISCO. 

"EXCELSIOR!" " EXCELSIOR ! " 

C. ZINNS, 
FASHIONABLE TAILOR, 

5 Montgomery St. (Masonic Temple), 

SAN FRANCISCO. 

donald McMillan, 

Manufacturer and Dealer in 

SYRUPS, CORDIALS, BITTERS, EXTRACTS, 

CALIFORNIA WINES, ETC. 

714 Front Street, San Francisco. 

P. O. Box 1443. Telephone No. 87. 

Drink Donald McMillan's Celery Tonic ! 



A. S. Hallidie, Pres. 



Henry L. Davis, Sec'y. 



California Wire Works, 

Manufacturers and Dealers in every de. cription of Wire Goods, 
Brass, Copper and Iron Wire Cloth, Wire Work Railings, 
Guards, Screens, Sieves, Shade Cloth, Eird Cages, Battery 
Screens, etc. 

Office and Salilskgom : 
. 6 CALIFORNIA ST., S. F. 



ST. 



LEMP'S 
LOUIS BEER. 



OTTO NORMANN, 

Sole Agent Pacific Coast 

WM. J. LEMP'S WESTERN BREWERY, 
st. louis, mo. 

411 Bush St., San Francisco, 

Large Stock of Beer in Bulk and Bottles always on hand. 
£3T orders from dealers promptly attended T0.*SS 



I 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES 



N.E. Cor. BUSH and MONTGOMERY 
and 404 KEARNY Street. 






WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY. 

COB. FOURTH A ItKV.VMT STS., S. F., 
Manufacturers of and Dealers in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A Large Assortment Constantly on 
Hand and Made to Order. 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 
Guaranteed. 



Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon, 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, San Francisco. 
Fresh Bread delivered every day and cakes 
made to Order- Sole agei.t for RUSSIAN 
CAVIAR and WESTPHALIA HAMS. Ger- 
man Sausages. A. RE1ISCIIE. 



KOHLER & VAN BERGEN. 

FINE 

Old Table 

WINES. 

ZIJfFANDEL, 

tllARErS, 
HOCKS, 
PORTS. 

SIIERRIES,Etc 

VAULTS: 
417, ■ 419 Mont'ery 

Branch: 
987 to 993 Market ■ '$■ 

UNDER GRAND .^M 
CENTRAL' MARKET. , 

Growers ana Dealers In 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 
PRINCIPAL llFFICE: 

AI7 AIQ Montgomery St , 

*TI l_J^ 7*'^ SAN FRANCISCO. 




Veuve Clicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

, . QUARTS AND PINTS. 

A. VIGNIER, Sole Agent, 

429 <£ 431 BATTERY ST., S. F. 



DR.! HENLEY'S 



CELERY 



He Greatest 
BenUe 
town. 



BEEF 
IRON 



(LiebiE's Extract), 

tne Wonderful Nutritive 

aid IrMEoratoi. 



• (Pyiopnospiiatfl), 

Tonic for tie Blood, and 

.Food tor the. Brain. 

- ■ |J 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERT, lately pre- 
pared and sold iii Portland, Or., haa "been exten- 
sively used in that locality and performed many 
astonishing- cures. As a NERVINE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEF and IRONhas shown to possess wonderful 
power to huild up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to Doth mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in" cases of GENERAL DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA, LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all. derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared and Sold hy 

TTJTHILL, COX & CO., 

B37 Clay Str eet, San Francisco. 

DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum s Anatomy 

781 Market St. 

GO AND LEARN HOW TO 
" avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
fully you are made. 
Private Office, 811 deary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



CAN CRANCISCO 

Capital Stock, 



$200,000. 

? F P ? ? P 



OUR LAGER BEER IS 
BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAR 
RANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANT CLIMATE. 




JOHN WIELAND 

Proprietor, 
Second St.. nr. Folsom. S.F . 

RE WERT, 

Corner of Powell 

AND 

Francisco Streets 
Telephone 9012. 

Ale and Porter 

IN BULK OR BOTTLE. 

Superior to any 

ON THE 

Pacific Coast. 
RUDOLPH MOHE, Secretary 



The Favorite of Real 
Connoisseurs. 




Fur Sale 

at all 



"JESSE MOORE 

WHISKEY." 

Superior in 

QUALITY 




H. Clausen & Son Brewing Co. 
EXPORT CHAMPAGNE 

Lag;er Beer! 

B01TLED BY THE 
I'HUCM.V BOTTLING CO., NEW YORK. 

Pure, Bright and Sparkling, and RECOM- 
MENDED BY LEADING PHYSICIANS as Best 
beer for Family U=e. 

ALFRED GREENEBAUM&CO. 

Sole Agents Pacific Coast. 

133 CALIFORNIA STREET, S. F. 

For Sale Everywhere. 




MOORE, 

HUNT & CO., 

417 and 419 

Market Street, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



C. DewccBe, Jr., 

San Francisco. 

C. II. .Moore, 

O F 

JESSE MOORE & Co 

Louisville, Ky. 

H. B. Hunt, 

San .Francisco. 



J. GUNDLACH & CO. 





RIPE OLD WINES. 

(UNSURPASSED— DELICIOUS FLAVOR.) 

Wine Vaults: Market & Second. S.F. 



* 



~o\ 



THE GENUINE 

KRUG 

Champagne y& 

FROM FRAME, ' /%&»#/ S0L x 

IN QUARTS S^^JY^^ 

pints, x^fy ° ealers 

V^U^cr / JOBBERS 
/*3r * &S And grocers. 



«* 



r*. 



^Private Cuvee 

Shield-Premiere Qualite. 



Beware of Imitations. 





T<~ 1 D CLOVE S 

-•-—-— ALWAYS 

GIVE 
SATIS- 
.£• FACTION 

FACTORY . No. 119 DUPONT STREET, 

- - Bet. Geary and Post. Wan Francisco.- 

PREBLE'S 

OREGON CIDER. 

(In Casks and Barbels.) 
Warranted to Keep In any Climate. 

CAL. AND OREGON. CIDER CO., 

218 DAVIS -STREET; S. F. - 




SOLD BY 
DRUGGISTS 

AND 

GROCERS 

EVERYWHERE. 

Every Bottle 
Guaranteed. 




STANDARD LEATHER BF.T.TTTJfi a. o. oqqk & son, 




SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, JULY 19 1 



884. 




DOUSING HIS GLIM. 



SCHMIDT LABEL* LITHO CO..SAN FRANCISCO- 






THE WASP. 



« MAUD MULLER'S » BROTHER. 



He ambled along down the stone-flecked lane, 

And out from hiB midst there frequent came 

A full-strength cuss word, deep and low, 

As he knocked a nail from a wanton toe ; 

And he wished he was dead'n Socrates, 

And the robins rang out a chime from the trees. 

And he wished — as he stepped on a business brier, 
Which made him reflect, "By gosh, Marier," 
That he was a hundred miles away 
From the farm and the meadow and making hay, 
And "Brindle" and "Bright' 1 and the kicking cows 
And the blackbirds sang in the alder boughs. 

Now a poet, who sat on a moss-hid stump, - 

With his face in a smile and his back in a hump, 

Had 1 ,eard the boy as he muttered away, 

And he called him hither and bid him say 

Whr.t life he'd choose if he had his pick, 

And the brown thrushes piped from a new-built rick. 

And the lad looked up with his eyes in mist, 
And, cutting a snack of "Virginia Twist," 
He paused for a moment, then, childlike, said, 
As he dropped on his bosom his old-gold head : 

' Pleaf e, Mister Sir, if it's all the same " 

And the thrill of a thrush from a hedgerow came. 

' Please, Mister Sir," the boy began, 

And the tears coursed down through the fuzz and tan- 
' 'S if's all the same, an' I had my pick, 

I could tell ye so suddink 'twould make ye sick — 

I'd be a cashier in a savings bank," 

And the poet fell over limp and lank. 

******* 

And this simple child, with his tender thought, 

From his sweet desire his wish has wrought ; 

And he rides in a chariot gilt and gay, 

And the poet is on the box, they say ; 

And the world hies hence with its jam and jerk, 

And the birds, as of old, get in their work. 



-5. E. McMaaus. 



THE STORY OF A BRUTE. 



Scene— A private parlor. Tlve husband reclines on tlie sofa in deep revery over 
his business affairs. The wife reads a newspaper, but the husband does not 
Jong rejoice in this tranquillity. 

Madame (dropping the paper) : All the papers coi.firm that interesting 
news. 

Monsieur : Interesting ! What is it ? 

Madame : Cashmere stuffs are growing cheaper. Madame Billoir told 
me so and I didn't believe it, but to-day, in passing a store, I amused myself 
by asking about a costume i f real Indian cashmere. You know I understand 
such things. I was told such a low price that I looked the man in the eye 
to see if he could be in earnest. Juat imagine, the same suit that last win- 
ter was marked six hundred francs, the vef-y same thing to-day for a hundrtd 
and nineteen francs ! And such waim stuff — uh ! how warm. I hear that 
Monsier Billoir, who is alwajs eager for great bargains, immediately bought 
two of those suits for his wife. She will be warmly clothed this season, I 
can tell you. ( With a sigh ) Ah, she never wants for anything, that 
woman ! 

Monsieur : To hear you, one would say that you lacked everything. 
If you needed a costume, and a warm one, as you call it, I should be the 
first to offer it to you ; but as you have no need of one 

Madame : No need ! Where did you get that idea ? 

Monsieur: Let us reason a little. You don't neid it now, in summer. 
In winter you might talk about it, but unleBS you could prove that there are 
more than twenty-four hours in a day I should tell you that you already have 
an eider-down quilt. 

Madame : How can an eider down quilt be compared to a 

Monsieur : Allow me to talk. Out of twenty-four hours you are in 
bed twelve. There is one half the time when a quilt is more useful than a 
suit — you cannot deny it. You worried me into having the house heated by 
a furnace, which nearly melts us. I have heard you say so a hundred times. 
You are too warm now in the ten hours you are about the house. With your 
heavy India costume you would suffocate— you could not wear it. The other 
two hours you are in a close carriage, with a bottle cf hot water at your feet ; 
if necessary, you could take your quilt. Theie is all your time taken. If 
the day had a twemy fifth hour you might talk ; yet I ought to ask how a 
woman who always says she never suffers except with cold feet can need so 
much warm clothing on her back. So it would be useless to squander my 
money. 

Madame (angrily) : Your money ! Who asks for your money. In 
, talking, I simply tell you that cashmeres are lower in price, and you imme- 
diately conclude that I am groveling at your feet to have a suit ! I don't 
need one. 

Monsieur : I know it, for last winter, when you made me buy three 
dresses, I was persuaded to that folly by your boast of the quality of the 
stuff, which you said would last ten years. Those dresses, according to you, 
having nine years yet before them, we can breathe before thinking seriously 
of a cashmere suit which has fallen in price. In five or six years the price 
would be still less — the occasion would be better yet. 

Madame (returning to her subject by a tar gent) : But since I tell you 



that I will not have any of your suits — oh ! no ; I am too proud to expose- 
myself to a refusal — even when your interest is in question. 

Monsieur : My interest ! How does it affect my interest ? 

Madame : Your commercial reputation, if you like that better. 

MorsiEUR : What are you talking about ? 

Madame : Nothing, nothing. 

Monsieur : But I want an explanation. 

Madame : Nothing, I tell you. Madame Billoir's gabble. " Your 
husband is economical," she said to me. " It is wrong. People think he is 
embarrassed in his business, and that injures his credit." 

Monsieur : Embarrassed ? I embarrassed ! 

Madame : Don't be annoyed. What is the use of fretting about gossip t 
What does it matter if fools say when- they see Madame Billoir always 
dressed in the latest style that her husband is at the head of the drug trade 
here. 

Monsieur (enraged): It is a lie ! Ah ! he heaped those costumes on 
his wife's back to sustain his commercial reputation. Didn't you say Bil- 
loir had given his wife two of those famous suits 1 

Madame : Yes ; two. 

Monsieur : I will give you four. 

Madame (aside) : Aha ! I've got them. It was not easy. 

(She still trembles with joy, when all at once lier husband strikes his forehead, 
crying :) 

" No, no ; I will not give them to you. A superb idea comes to me : 
It is a question, is it not, of throwing dust in the fool's eyes ? 

Madame (uneasily): Yes, in the interest of your commercial reputa- 
tion. 

Monsieur : Very well. Instead of giving you those suits I will give 
them to our cook, and I will order her to wear them through the business 
streets. People will say, "The fellow mu3t make money, Bince he buys the 
very best for his cook — the same suits that his rival, Billoir, gets for his wife. " 
Hey ! Don't you think that will shut the fools' mouths 1 

Madame : And 1 1 

Monsieur: You? You always say you suffer only from cold feet. 
You can easily put a little dry mustard in your stockings. 

— Translated from the French by E. F. Dawson. 



COMMENTS ON WHAVS WANTED. 



Some people want wondeiful things. Sometimes they get them— some- 
times they don't. 

For instance, a "Good refined show is wanted for a bijou theater; 
special consideration to bird, monkey, or other small animal performances." 

A refined monkey-show would, I should fancy, be a decided novelty. 

Then, again, there is wanted " a good Bearer, that thoroughly under- 
stands the acrobatic business. None but competent men need apply." 

A bearer, then, is, it seems, a man ; but the advertiser might as well 
have said " who," instead of "that." 

Look at this : ' ' Wanted, three responsible utility gentle men, who are 
thoroughly dependable in every respect." 

This evidently is fraught with such deep meaning, as I don't care to 
grapple uith it. 

" Wanted, ladies' wardrobe- keeper. One able to cut and fit on." 

Thai's not particularly mysterious ; but about the next there is some 
vagueness. 

" Wanted, a young lady or young man. One that can do the trapeze a 
little. Not too heavy. To work with a lady. " 

Here, observe, is " Wanted, to join immediately, good, dashing cham- 
bermaid ; thoroughly up in burlesque." 

This would appear to be a chance for a nice, quiet, ladylike girl. 

Finally — " Wanted, amateur ladies (vocalists) for first-class entertain- 
ment. No premium required or salary given. All traveling expenses paid." 
There's a future for the guiless girl. The advertiser adds : "A good oppor- 
tunity for gaining experience." 

I can imagine it would be. — Judy. 



He was only a boy. He had taken the softest seat in the room, hung 
his cap on the floor, and was buried six feet deep in a wild Indian noveline, 
when his mother's voice rung like a war-whoop through his hair. 

" J-o-h-n H-e-n-n-e-r-y ! " 
He was reading just then with all the sweet abandon of his years this 
thrilling passage : 

" Clad in a checked suit and a Colt's revolver, he climbed on the table, 
and in five minutes he cleaned out the entire ranch. The Indians were so 
thrilled and awe-struck by his youthful bearing that they allowed him to 
capture them on the spot, and he marched them all, single-handed, to the 
impromptu dungeon in the rear of the cow-shtd " 

" J-o hn H-e-n-n-e-r-y ! " 

" The Governor of the state heard of the brave boy's action, and sent 
him a letter of thanks containing a check for $100 and a silver-plated shield 

with " 

At this moment somethii g struck John Henry's ear, lifted him easily 
from his seat and transferred him bodily to the pantry, where he was con- 
fronted with a tin milk kettle. 

" You go over to the grocery, young man, and get me two quarts of milk, 
and if you ain't back in five minutes by the clock you'll think a hull band of 
Comanchy Injuns are after you." 

He went. His dream of a peaceful and beautiful border life was rudely 
shattered, but such is the wonderful elasticity of the raw boy that he had 
won a bet on a dog-fight in the alley and made an engagement to sail as first 
mate on a private river craft and was back on time with that milk. — Detroit 
Free Press. 

Joiner (to hoveling showman who is arranging for the erection of a 
wooden booth) : How large do you want it ? 

T. Showman : Oh, about large enough to hold as many as will comfort- 
ably fill it. 



THE WASP. 



3 



THE "WASP'S" NOTE-BOOK, 



" Athenia," in the IngUaidc^ had a long article, now going the rounds of 
the Eastern press, contrasting the girls of the East and the West. She 
rang eleven changes on the belles, but not one so marked as a diH'erence 
which has come under the Wasp's observation. A Western girl sends us the 
following lines, coolly rhymes upon a topic which it would horrify an Eastern 
girl to mention, which is unknown to most Eastern girls— a myBtery regarded 
by them as something vaguely black and awful like Wiggins dark moon : 

" When dark browed night her filmy curtain draws 

Around the world and pins it with a star," 
The very pulse of life then seems to pause, 

And silence dwells o'er all the earth afar. 
Tis then that thoughts in tumult fill my mind 

Like phantoms weird troop through my aching brain, 
I think of him, so cruel — so unkind. 

I like him not, and yet I strive in vain 
Against his presence— when I had my will 

I never bade him welcome but withdrew 
As from an adder, but he followed still 

And drank my life as sunshine drinks the dew. 
Oh, wretch most vile ! and yet I know 'tis true 

He's agile, quick, as busy lawyers are, 
And never caught asleep ; but if I knew 

We'd never meet again, cool as a star 
In ocean's breast reflected I could rest. 

But, oh ! if I could see him 'neath my feet, 
Then could I crush him with a joyous zeBt 

And feel no anguish, for revenge is sweet ; 
And on my pillow I could calmly turn 

And sleep, and feel that life would tranquil be 
If his small lamp of life had ceased to burn, 

This vile, this infamous, this vampire flea ! — Cactus. 



The great American poet is found. His name is Ben Youger. He lives 
in Carmikles, Pa. The Washington Hatchet gives several columns of verse, 
called forth by that paper's offer of a prize of five dollars for the best poem 
on the Fourth of July. Mr. Youger's vigorous effusion has the true " fit, 
died and bled " spirit, and won the prize : 

This is the day of dase 
The day we sellebrate 
Not even a day at tiladelfy 
With P. T. Barnims show 
Is half as grate. 

This is the day we let ourselves out 
A peg or too and figgertively bust 
The british lyon on his bludy snout 
Til he is black and blue. 

Tis the day our fordaddies met 

At independence haul 

And boldly thust thair gray guse quill 

Intu King George* gaul 

And sade England be damned. 



Scraps of conversation overheard : 

Scene — Corner of Market and Stockton streets. Time : At dusk — A 
small, slim man, in spectacles, who looks as if he would, if he dared, prefer 
the lurid glow with which the town might be painted to the pale rose-color 
of home. He stands looking up like a pouting child at a giantess, who 
sternly lookB down at him. 

She : Yes, you will go home, too ! 

(N. B.— He went.) 

Scene — A long flight of steps on Nob Hill. Two very small ragamuffins. 

First small boy (leaps down several steps at once) : See that ! 

Second small boy (looks very contemptuous and jumps up one step 
with both feet at a time) : It takes muscle to do that I 

We have received from A. Waldteufel the " Swing Song," number four 
of the " Songs of the Sunset Land." The words are by W. N. Lockington, 
the "scientist and poet," formerly of this city, now of Philadelphia. The 
music is by Carlos Troyer, the well-known musician here. The rhythm of 
both music and words bears a peculiar and admirable resemblance to the 
motion of a swing. Mothers who sing will delight in it for a lullaby. 



THEY COMPROMISED. 



A man about thirty-five years of age galloped down the stone steps lead- 
ing to the Western Union Telegraph office yesterday, and rushed at the re- 
ceiving clerk with the inquiry : 

" Can I express my feelings in a telegram ? " 

" Do you mean that you like profane language ? " 

" I do ! I want to use some of the tallest kind of it ! " 

" We can't send anything of that sort. There are no letters in the Morse 
alphabet to stand for swear words." 

" Well, then, I'll have to let it go, but I wanted to telegraph to my brother 
that I'd been robbed. I put my satchel down to fight with a hackman and 
some one Btole it." 

He went away growling and muttering,but in about an hour he returned 
in still hotter haste and exclaimed : 

11 Now I've been robbed of my coat and $20 in cash, and I've got to swear 
by telegraph or bust ! Hung my coat on a telegraph pole while I was trying 
to outjump a fellow and some one gobbled it ! " 

" As I told you before, we don't transmit any profane language," replied 
the clerk. "You can notify your brother that you have had bad luck." 

" And not express my feelings ! Never ! He wouldn't believe it was me. 
Make an exception for me, can't you? " 

The clerk couldn't, and the man said he would do his swearing by letter 
and make it heavy enough for double postage. It wasn't half an hour, how- 
ever, before he reappeared, and this time he couldn't stand still as he shouted 
out : 

" I've got to do it ! Hadn't been out of here ten minutes when a chap 



in a shooting gallery mopped me all over the floor 1 Robbed — licked — 
mopped ! Say, lemme swear by telegraph. I've got a dollar left, and I'll 
give it to you to send ten words to Bay City ! " 

11 You might get around the rule by sending a cipher dispatch," suggested 
the clerk. 

" Bully ! I tumble ! I'll fix it in a minute ! " 
And he wrote and handed in : 

" Kobbed ! * * * Licked ! I ! ! it ! it ! 

Send me $20 ! * * * ! ! ! 1 " 

" There she is," he said as he paid for it. " There's robbery, meanness, 
arson, stealing, pounding, sentiment, profanity and brotherly love all 
crowded into the one thing, and you bet your life Ben will catch on. I'll 
now go out and get in jail and wait for his answer." — Detroit Free Press. 



PASS HIM ALONG, 



The Assessor of Contra CoBta county should come to San Francisco, get 
acquainted with Mr. Christopher Buckley, pretend to be a consummate 
rascal and eventually obtain here the office that he holds there. We need 
him here. We want him to do for San Francisco what he has done for 
Contra Costa — raise the assessment on all property eighty per cent, above 
the figures fixed by the State Board of Equalization. All assessors are re- 
quired by the State Constitution to assess real and personal property at its 
actual value, but this chap is the first one that we have ever heard of who 
has not " violated his oath of office," as the saying (and custom) is, so fre- 
quently and regularly that he has lost all sense of the distinction between 
committing perjury and eating his dinner. Singularly enough, this man's 
conscience is of recent growth : his present valuation of the property in his 
county, though but eighty per cent, greater than that last made by the 
Board, is one hundred per cent, greater than that last made by himself; for 
he is the same old coon whose assessment the Board raised twenty per cent, 
two years ago. Nevertheless, we are disposed to let him polish off that 
" blot upon his escutcheon " and make his startling experiment in official 
honesty without molestation ; we merely regret that it has to be made upon 
a race of whom so little is known as the hill-tribes of Contra Costa. Au 
reste, we are as curiouB as he doubtless is himself to see what a body of Btate 
officials will do when confronted with the novel problem entailed by an 
honest assessment. We promise ourselves no small enjoyment of their con- 
sternation. 

A WAIL, 



Apropos of the cartoon in this paper, representing Mr. Pickering's news- 
paper graveyard, Master Harr Wagner writes that his journal, The Golden 
Era, has not died but been "translated." Into what, we do not know; it 
certainly never has been translated into English. 

We have known that extraordinary periodical, Tiie Golden Era, for about 
eighteen years. During that period it has changed hands at each visit of an 
epidemic, altered its publication day whenever there was an eclipse of the 
moon, appeared in a new shape every time a circuB came to town, got a new 
editor at each session of the Commissioners in Lunacy and tinkered its title 
every foggy morning. But always, through summer's sun and winter's snow, 
it has borne at its head the immemorial Indian standing on the extreme 
verge of the continent, shading his eyes with his hand, looking eastward at 
the rising (or westward at the setting) sun and comfortably unconscious of 
the misquotation from Bishop Berkeley that defaces the rock beneath his 
feet. 



Bowdoin College has conferred the degree of LL.D. on the Hon. James 
G. Blaine. Mr. Blaine thought it would strengthen him with the scholar 
element to enter the canvass as the peer of Parson Bartlett of the Bulletin. 

Tarpey the Delegate, more warm than nice, 
In Thurman saw "a glimpse of Paradise ! " 
His Eden is dispelled, and he, awake, 
No longer now aspires to be the snake. 

Five Hindoo merchants have arrived in New York for a year's travel in 
this country. They wear the costume peculiar to their caste and will no 
doubt be received everywhere with great respect, under the delusion that 
they belong to a circus. 

Poor Neilson, finding Sharon somewhat tougher 

Than he had thought, cries : " Hold ! I've had enougher ! " 

More than enough, no question ; but the roughest 

Deal yet remains, and then he'll have enoughest. 

James G. Blaine and John A. Logan will be the next President and Vice-Presi- 
dent of the United States. — Evening Post. 

When Weather Prophet Vennor went to glory 
His mantle fell on Jackson — that's the story — 
Who, for the garment was of fur and feather, 
Cared nothing thenceforth for the wind and weather, 
And so to Wiggins left their regulation, 
Himself instructing God about the nation. 
If next November cruelly should strip him, 
Pray you, good Wiggins, send a frost to nip him. 

A rather wild young man was in the habit of visiting the house of a 
strict member of the Methodist Church in Austin, in which family there 
was a pretty daughter. One day the gay young man invited her to take a 
ride with him, but she refused. On his asking for a reason she replied that 
her father had forbidden her doing so, because the young man was no gentle- 
man, to which the young man, who was from Yirginia, replied : 

" Miss Mary, if swearing a little, drinking a little and gambling a little 
don't constitute a gentleman, then your father don't know a gentleman 
when he sees one. — Texas Slftings. 

Red bathing suits will be much worn by ladies at Monterey this summer. 
The wearer will be able to blush in them without attracting the attention of 
the whole beach. 



4 



THE WASP. 



YhzWaxp 



VOL UME XIII. 



NUMBER S. 



WHOLE NUMBER, 416. 



SATURDAY, 



JULY 19, 1884. 



PUBLISHED EVEET SATURDAY, AT NOS. 540 AND 543 CALIFORNIA STREET BY 

E. C. MACFARLANE & CO., 

Proprietors and Publishers. 



Terms to Scbsobibebs : 

One copy, one year, or 52 nuribers $5 00 

One copy, six months, or 26 numbers 2 50 

One copy for thirteen weeks .---.---. 125 

Postage free . to all parts of the United States, Canada and British Columbia. 
To all other countries one dollar per year extra. The country trade supplied by the 
San Francisco News Company. All Postmasters are authorized to take subscrip- 
tions for the Wasp, payable invariably in advance. 



The following agents are authorized to receive subscriptions and advertisements 
for the Wasp : In Merced, Fresno, Tulare and Kern counties, Wm. E. McQurDDY. 
D. G. Waldbon, General Traveling Agent. 



Directions to discontinue the paper should be given in writing. 



[Entered at the Postoffice at San Francisco for transmission at second-class rates.] 



No questionable advertisements will be inserted in this journal on any terms. 

In selecting Messrs. Cleveland and Hendricks, the Democratic conven- 
tion have probably come nearer to harmonizing the various factions of its 
party and composing all family feuds than the Republican convention did 
to promoting sweet reasonableness in its own ; but it is regrettable — to 
Democrats who have not lost, through disuse, the power to regret anything 
but exclusion from the Federal offices — that this had to be effected in the 
immemorial way, namely, by setting aside its tried and trusted leaders in 
favor of an "available" man for the "head of the ticket." For after all, 
Mr; Cleveland is undeniably "recent." He has been the Mayor of a city 
and the Governor of a state, and in both positions appears to have j ustified 
such small hopes as our people still permit themselves to entertain of those 
whom they are compelled to entrust with opportunities to steal ; but in the 
higher and breezier altitudes of statesmanship his abilities are yet to be put 
to the proof. His nomination is therefore something of a disappointment 
to those who had hoped that the rfyime of "availables" was exhaust, and 
that long experience in high station was no more to be regarded as a dis- 
qualification for short service in the highest of all. Mr. Cleveland's "claims " 
to the office appear to be, first, a majority of 192,000 votes in a state elec- 
tion, and second, the brevity of his " record." In conferring high political 
preferment on a comparatively obscure man there is always a chance — good 
naturedly tolerated by the law of probabilities — that he will disappoint the 
high hopes of his enemies and turn out to be a very capable fellow. This 
was the case with Mr. Lincoln, and mutatis mutandis, with Mrs. Hayes, 
whose aptitude at filling herself with cold tea was a national surprise. 



In the candidacy of Mr. Hendricks the disadvantage of a long and some- 
what confused "record," alarmingly dog's-eared for ready reference, was 
thought to be counterbalanced by his conspicuous ability — as a candidate. 
The sharpest research can find nothing to urge against the manner in which 
he discharged the duties of that position in 1876. In other fields of use- 
fulness his performances have not been so satisfactory. He has in his time 
followed the disagreeable trade of shin-plastering, and we believe still em- 
braces the doctrine of the total depravity of both silver and gold — a bi- 
metallism But if this species of lunacy is still considered dangerous to any- 
body but the patient, we know of no better place for the repression of his 
activity than the Chair of the national Senate. Mr. Hendricks's " claim " 
to the Vice-Presidency, however, is a modest one — a previous conviction. 
Through an irregularity in the record, sentence was passed upon a person 
whose name we have not now the happiness to remember, but who, we hope; 
is now an altered man if living, and certainly is if dead. 



On the whole, the Democratic " standard bearers " compare favorably 
in point of character with those who "tote" the banner of the Repub- 
licans. Private vices enough they all have, doubtless, and those that they 



have not will be abundantly supplied to them by that cheerful creature, the 
partisan editor. Indeed, defamation's tooth has already sunk pretty deeply 
into the calves of them, particularly that of Mr. Cleveland, whose luckless 
position as an orphan and bachelor exposes him to peculir hardship and dis- 
aster. Even before his nomination it was cruelly averred that he was un- 
chaste, the author of the awful accusation escaping unshot. For preferring 
the success of either party over the other, the man who cares to be con- 
sidered intelligently patriotic will prepare himself with heavier arguments 
than any that it seems at present desirable to derive from the personal char- 
acters of its candidates. 



The "platform" which by some felicitous fatality exactly meets the 
views of these two gentlemen is distinctly an improvement on its immediate 
predecessor, the platform that met the views of Messrs. Blaine and Logan 
with so surprising a conformity. While affirming substantially the same 
principles, it enlarges and extends them by including in one comprehensive 
scheme of approval all those principles to which they are contradictory and 
with which they are incompatible. The Democratic party, with a true 
catholicity of conviction, is Bternly and strenuously bent upon believing in 
everything except the Republican party and its right to the offices. It be- 
lieves in honest money, a free ballot, equality before the law and many 
similarly startling doctrines, including the fourness of twice two and the 
wickedness of sin. Heretofore it has been the aim of political platforms to 
say nothing in as many words as possible ; the object of this one is to say 
everything — in a greater number of words. It reminds one of the business 
sign of the worthy shoe-seller who, seeing over the door of a competitor the 
motto " Mens conscia recti, " straightway outdid it by announcing over his 
own door, " Men's, women's and children's conscia recti." In brief, the 
Democratic platform is a creation of such original unworth, having a mean- 
inglessness of so unfamiliar and surprising kind, that it would be hardly too 
much to say that it " marks the dawn of a new era " in platform-making. 
Suffused with the red splendors of this young regime, we wait in hope for 
some great politico-literary luminary to lift his golden fire and confirm the day 
when a political platform shall be a compendium of all that remains inscru- 
table and inexpressible up to the date of its adoption. 



In the " tariff plank " we have what is at once the most idiotic and 
most significant utterance of recent American politics. We have repeatedly 
expressed a conviction that the question of Free Trade or Protection was 
incomparably more important than any that has lately arisen or is likely 
soon to arise. From the aggressive activity of Mr. Carlisle and his faction 
in the Democratic party we had permitted ourselves to hope that they were 
sufficiently formidable in point of numbers to force the whole party into 
their trail and bring the matter to a straight issue with the Republicans. 
The evolution and affirmation of this ridiculous utterance is incontestable 
proof that Free Trade sentiment in this country has not spread downward 
to the popular understanding, and cannot therefore be pushed to the point 
of effective organization. We must wait for years before it can become an 
important factor in American politics. If fifty millions of people are con- 
tent to endure the high cost of low living, in order that a few hundred capi- 
talists and a few thousand operatives may pursue useless industries, while 
inexhaustible resources are clamoring for money and muscle to develop 
them, we discern neither profit nor satisfaction in throwing feeble dams 
across the current of their charity, and so dismiss the matter from further 
serious consideration, with a last malediction upon the memory of the 
sainted miscreant who first bethought him to set up a custom house. May 
the wild ass come in the gloaming to stamp upon his grave. 



It is thought that the Central Pacific Railroad will chew crow and give 
a sullen acquiescence to the candidates already nominated for the Presi- 
dency, without getting up an independent People's party with Mr. Justice 
Field as its Stanford-bearer. Justice Field is, indeed, hardly in a condition 
to run : he suffers from a pain in the lap and wears his right eye in a sling. 
The doctors say it is an exquisitely beautiful case of blind staggers resulting 
from malpractice on the part of certain Chicago medicine men who recently 
treated him for megacephalus, or big-head. They cured him too quickly 
and the shock of his recovery produced effects similar to those experienced 
by one who has been thrown out of a second-story window. Through that 
illness he was tenderly cared for by Granny Johnson of the Alta and Happy 
Jack of the Oakland Times, but in his present affliction he is destitute of 
nursing and professional attendance. He hopes, however, to be able to die 
without medical assistance. If so we shall crave leave to inscribe these lines 
on his headstone : "Here lies all that is mortal of Stephen J. Field, who 
" lived by selling brains in the California market and died by being thrown 
' ' from a pedestal upon which he was personating a statue of himself, erected 
" by public subscription." 



THE WASP. 



P RATTLE, 



The theater reporter of a local weekly gravely discloses his conviction 
that the "Virginius" of Mr. Warde "throbs with masculinity." If the 
foolkiller is disengaged will he kindly prepare a suitable corpse for this per- 
son's funeral I 



Everywhere in civilized countries the earth's periphery is infested with 
broods of literary doves, and San Francisco is a vast columbarium. These 
harmless creatures are ambitious withal, and promise themselves no small 
fame in expounding the true principles of satire and illustrating the applica- 
tion in their work. Their faith is simple — they are opposed to "personal 
journalism." They do steadfastly believe that Juvenal and Pope and Swift 
and Junius, Voltaire and Byron, were in grievous error regarding the dis- 
tinction between "legitimate criticism" and "abuse." They cherish the 
pariormaidenly theory that sin may be right sturdily assailed, but the sinner 
should enjoy a peaceful immunity from censure. In short, their notions 
have the merit of close conformity with those of every fool and rascal under 
the sun, and their practice engages the admiration and applauBe of all whose 
vices and follies they hopefully denounce. 



They come and go, these amiable censors — whence and whither, who 
knows! Each takes his little hack at me, lamenting my blindness and pre- 
dicting my speedy suppression ; and then his gentle spirit, still intent upon 
the amenities, evanishes thence, and when I would ask if still he writes I 
have forgotten his name and all others his work. Troop after troop of these 
ambitious satirists have I seen "come like shadows, so depart," deplored by 
none but the savage rascalry above whose back they had cracked their whips 
in empty air. When by chance my own lash, idly falling on some naked 
scoundrel, draws blood, a previously unnoted chorus of these ephemeridie 
springs forward to assist in the yelling and sobbing. 



I am not rebuking these creatures ; if I were I should enliven this dis- 
course with such names of them as I chance to remember. Nay, I mention 
them only to embrace their literary faith for a brief Beason of instruction 
by example. To meet their objections and command their esteem I beg 
leave to submit the following specimens of the satire that is purely " imper- 
sonal " — that concerns itself only with actions, not men — that is ( ' criticism, " 
not " abuse. " In these examples the names appended are no part of the 
satire, and in practice would, of course, be studiously omitted ; they are 
merely those of great literary authorities who most earnestly approve " im- 
personal criticism." 

The moral liability of each member of a trinity of thieves is not limited 
to the amount of talent that he puts into the firm's business. — Leland Stan- 
ford, Charles Crocker, C. P. Huntington. 

Sycophancy of the poor to the rich is a natural folly, but sycophancy of 
the rich to the richer an unnatural vice. — Frank Pixley. 

It is safer to trust your interests in the hands of an enemy in power 
than your money in those of a friend willing to bribe him. — William W. 
Stow. 

He is a drowning man indeed who catches at a straw that is itself sink- 
ing. — James A. Johnson. 

A man is like a dog : he may lack a shirt collar and yet be not alto- 
gether collarless. — John P. Irish. 

Sindbad was not so heavily handicapped by the Old Man of the Sea as 
is a fool bestridden by a rogue. — Walter Ttirnbull. 

He who pleads before the Court of Heaven that the ethics of his pro- 
fession on earth permitted him to accept retainers from rogues will have to 
show that his profession was better than his practice. — Creed Baymond. 

A man who has spent a score of years demonstrating his unfitness to be 
a judge can hardly be said to have established his right to be a judge-maker. 
— Stephen J. Field. 

To a stricken intellect and blasted moral sense, a bird in the hand is 
worth a bird in the net, with added interest and penalties. — E. C. Mar- 
sliall. 



Eliminate the names from these quips, and any understanding preg- 
nable to the light will readily discern the retributive torment and deterrent 
terror of their general significance and universal point — no leBS intolerable 
to Patagonian or Cingalese offenders than to those whom we have the happi- 
ness to know in California ; about as dreadful as a cracking thunderstorm 
would be if lightning had been never known to strike. No doubt when 
Satan's thunder-blasted body fell flaming from the battlements of heaven, 
"in hideous ruin and combustionMown," he protested that it was an offen- 
sive personality and not legitimate criticism of his fault. 

Now mark you, rogues of all degrees and lettered fools with phosphor- 
ized teeth in mouths full of moonshine, I am among you to remain. While 
the public buys my rebuking at twice the price your sycophancy earns — 



while I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed 
by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments 
unsoured by animoBitieB — while it pleases me to write, there will be person- 
alities in journalism, personalities of condemnation as well as commenda- 
tion. The right to praise and flatter in the public prints implies and is co- 
terminous with the right — in the public prints and by name — to blame and 
ridicule, and I mean heartily to exercise it, calling a knave knave, but call- 
ing him also what he calls himself. Nothing can be fairer than that — the 
name he got by his christening and the name he gets by hiB deeds ; between 
them the public can make choice of evils and all may be suited. 



Let reformers spare themselves the disagreeable dampness of further 
lacrymation : there is absolutely no hope of extending from local journalism 
personalities offensive to offenders, but by my removal to another — and, in 
deference to the prejudices of my enemies let us say, a warmer — world, 
where, no doubt, I shall be a part of the apparatus. The thing is to be done 
di&ponendo, non mutando, me. 



I don't dislike you, Sandy Bell ; 

The reason why, I need not tell, 
For this you know, and know full well- 

You are not worth it, Sandy Bell. 



On Friday morning of last week — the day on which Mr. Cleveland 
achieved the unparalleled triumph of nomination by an overwhelming ma- 
jority on the second ballot — the Alta's Chicago correspondent telegraphed 
to that journal as follows : 

It is now conceded that Cleveland cannot muster even a majority vote and that 
his chances are all knocked into pi. 

And of the Alta's candidate, Mr. Justice Field, whose name was never 
even presented to the convention, this admirable prophet said, in the same 
dispatch : 

He has given them all a chance to develop their utmost strength ; and now when 
they find that neither of them can secure the prize, they will all be williDg to concen- 
trate on him. 

The initial letters of this precious idiot's name are R. D. B. ; will he 
have the goodness to come forward and prove his claim to them? 



In order, doubtless, to disprove my assertion that there is no such thing 
in America as a "dude," some well-meaning person sends me a slip cut from 
the Call, in which a reporter of a Chicago paper relates an interview with a 
stranger who describes, with minute particularity, a school in that city for 
the training of " dudes." The instructor, who eighteen months ago was "a 
drunken English hostler," has made himself rich by teaching young Chicago 
Anglomaniacs how to " live up " to his faulty ideal of an English gentleman. 
I congratulate my correspondent on his "power of faith"; a man who ac- 
cepts a story that is said to come from a stranger through an anonymous 
reporter writing in a daily newspaper is not, of course, destitute of the con- 
solations of religion and a hope in heaven — perhaps two. I should think 
such a man would be happy, even if deprived of his "dudes." I venture, 
therefore, to repeat that no one has ever seen a " dude." 



Right heartily I wish there were "dudes." If our young men with 
brains would emulate English gentlemen, and our young men without brains 
imitate Cockney eads, there would be a notable improvement in speech and 
manners all round. That order and degree of intelligence that is said to 
" ape the English " cannot be hurt by aping anything. One possessing it 
might profitably ape an ape. 



I had a dream. There passed before me, as I stood by the wayside, a 
procession of uniques and horribles — females all, but hardly women. They 
were fearfully and wonderfully hideous — so grotesquely and absurdly un- 
comely that I wished myself awake in order more intelligently to note their 
immatchable features and unthinkable expressions. Some were bald, some 
eyeless, many toothless, and most of them seamed and scarred by time, 
dusted with powder and daubed with paint. So uncanny a lot of hags the 
human imagination had not conceived. One was beautiful but she walked 
apart. Each bore under her arm a thick slab of newspapers, damp from the 
press. They passed on and I saw again the sun-gilded stone wall on the 
opposite side of the way, which their dreadful throng had obscured. Some 
moments later, moving along the face of thiB, came a troop of dark appari- 
tions whose misshapen outlines and villainous gait told me they were the 
shadows of the other lot. Unwell of such company they had abandoned it 
and were making their way alone. Sweeping slowly across the face of the 
wall, they too soon passed and I awoke. I had slept in my chair. In my 
lap lay last Sunday's Clwonicle. The forefinger of my right hand, uncon- 
sciously extended, rested its tip significantly on an article headed "A LiBt 
of Beauties," wherein was given a column of names of San Francisco ladies 
" as beautiful as Mrs. Langtry." I read it and I sleep no more. 



6 



THE WASP. 



THE NAKED TRUTH. 



Once, in the hot midsummer-tide, 

Together Truth and Falsehood strayed, 
They laid their draperies aside 

To bathe in pond in shady glade. 

With heaven's beauty Truth did show, 

No artist painted form so fair ! 
To see her visage was to know 

God's likeness with its halo there ! 

How homely Falsehood ! with what flaws ! 

How otherwise should she be known ? 
With great, long, withered hands like claws, 

A horrid thing of skin and bone ! 

The Evil One then tempted her, 

Told how to play on Truth a trick, 
And from the waters' foamy stir 

She, all unnoticed, stole out quick. 

She crept ashore, and, while she grinned, 

Truth's tunic donned with hand profane, 
It flapped around her in the wind 

Like sail that tempests twitch and strain. 

Disguised like this, with haughty mien, 

She daily enters in our homes, 
While shy, ashamed, and seldom seen, 

The naked Truth yet distant roams. 

— Translated from the German by E. P. Dawson. 



VARIATIONS, 



If Jael Dence will " overhaul " the Arabian Nights she will find " the 
five causes of disquietude " which she was curious about. ' ' Five things were 
at once heaped on him : Love and beggary and hunger and nakedness and 
toil ; and nevertheless he straightened his soul to endure." 



A new poet says : 

" How her violin- voice could quell us ! " 
By its gut-tural sound? 

Do the residents of Looking Glass, Oregon, "hold the mirror up to 
nature " and cast reflections on each other ? 



A recent English magazine has an article on ' ' The Emotional Language 
of Bees." That is all humbug. The emotional sound comes from the boy 
who finds he's stung (his tongue). 



The attraction of a perfectly regular profile and eyes of onyx. — (Hilda's 
" Frescoes. 11 

O eyes of onyx ! 'Tis the phrase 
For thine eyes shifting blues and grays, 
I study them — will shadows grow 
Like famed Gonzaga cameo, 
That antique profiles twain portrays — 

Or Tryphon's, that the modern's praise, 
A marvel' wrought in dim-guessed days, 
Where Cupid and where Psyche show — 
O eyes of onyx? 

Could I but see in blest amaze 
Myself there outlined with a glaze, 

A certain cheery glint and glow, 

As if by Cupid carven so — 
Stay ! thine can be but stony gaze 
O eyes of onyx ! 



A Kansas man, thirty-four years old, has thirty-two children — sixteen 
pairs of twins. This is too utterly two two ! 



The dude's favorite novelist : Madame Dudevant. 



President Arthur is said to possess seventy pairs of trousers. 
to dress well. 



He pants 



The new way to cure hydrophobia by a profuse sweat is calculated to get 
the drop on it, and is something to pore over. 



The Phrenological Journal says a love of truth is indicated by folds and 
wrinkles around the eyes. But if these lie there how can they be believed 1 

Major Key. 



PERSONAL, 



Edwin P. Whipple may know how to damage Matthew Arnold in a 
magazine article, but when it comes to a deadly thrust at him, commend us 
to the New York restaurant cook. He named a soup after him. — St. Louis 
qazine. 



Park Godwin's daughter is to marry a Turk. She does better than 
many an American young man has done who has married a Tartar, and who 
didn't find her on the other side of the ocean, either. — Providence Star. 

The artists of Paris are becoming bold and rich both when they dare 
caricature the rich customers who offend them. The last case is that of an 



artist who pictured Alexander Dumas on a large canvas as a " Jewish 
Merchant." If our American artists take up this scheme of revenge they 
will have an elegant chance at such figures as Vanderbilt and Gould. — N. Y. 
Star. 

Fanny Brigham Ward, once a Washington correspondent, has made the 
ascent of Popocatapetl, 18,000 feet above the level of the sea. The Wash- 
ington male correspondent resorts to a much cheaper and less laborious plan 
when he wants to get " high." — Norristown Herald. 

Bernhardt announces that she will play "Romeo," but her figure is 
better suited to the "Apothecary." — N. Y. Morning Journal. 

There is, perhaps, no man in any country who is a more successful 
hunter of hen's eggs than ex-President Hayes. A hen cannot deceive him. 
He seems to know instinctively when a hen has put up a job to " steal her 
nest," and he watches the hen. He does not follow directly, as some less 
astute man would do, and thus arouse suspicions, but seems to go off the " 
other way, though hia eye is upon that hen. It is said to be an interesting 
sight to see a hen wandering off down among the bushes, clucking and 
digging for worms, as though she had no thought of deceiving her benefac- 
tor, and Mr. Hayes walking the other way, whistling a popular air, and not 
appearing to notice the hen. Suddenly the hen disappears under a bush 
and lays an egg. Then Mr. Hayes gives play to the massive brain that he 
has constantly concealed about his person. He makes no memorandum, 
but keeps in his head the location of every such nest. Some men would go 
right to the hen, catch her in the act, and accuse her to her face of duplicity 
and double dealing ; but Mr. Hayes is not that kind of a man. When the 
hen comes back to the hen-house he does not show any signs of chagrin to 
the hen — does not look at her as much as to say, " I am onto your scheme, 
old lady" — but treats her just the same as any other hen, thus disarming 
suspicion. Next day, after the miserable hen has laid her second egg and 
gone away, the ex-President goes to the nest and takes one of the eggs, and 
so on each day — the hen, who is not good at mathematics, thinking she is 
laying up treasures where neither moth, nor rust, nor ex-President doth cor- 
rupt. After a hen has had a dozen or so eggs thus, and begins to think of 
Betting, she looks at the result of her labors, and decides that it is the work 
of an incendiary and gives up the job. — Sydney Bulletin. 



THE TRAVESTY OF WALT WHITMAN, 



The most amusing travesty of the day is that given by Richard White 
Grant in his Fate of Mansfield Humphreys. Mr. White has his Mr. Wash- 
ington Adams, who is posing at the Earl's residence as a typical American, 
draw this article out of his pocket as "one that Walt Whitman never pub- 
lished yet, and I kind of kerry it raound to read sorter b'tween whiles." 
Here is the travesty : 

I happily myself. 

I am considerable of a man. I am some. You also are some. We aU are consider- 
able ; all are some. 

Put all of you and all of me together, and agitate our particles by rubbing us up into 
eternal smash, and we should still be some. No more than some, but no less. 

Particularly some, some particularly ; some in general, generally some ; but always 
some, without mitigation distinctly some. 
********* 

eternal circles, O squares, O triangles, O hypothenuses, O centers, circumferences, 
diameters, radiuses, arcs, sines, co-sines, tangents, parallelograms and parallel- 
opipedons, O pipes that are not parallel, furnace pipes, sewer pipes, meerschaum 
pipes, brier-wood pipes, clay pipes, O matches, O fire and coal-scuttle, and shovel, 
and tongs, and fender, and ashes, and dust, and dirt ! everything J O nothing ! 

O myself ! O yourself ! 

my eye ! 

********* 

1 tell you the truth. Salut ! 

I am not to be bluffed off. No, sir ! 

I am large, hairy, earthy, smell of the soil, am big in the shoulders, narrow in the 

flank, strong in the knees, and of an inquiring and communicative disposition. 
Also instructive in my propensities; given to contemplation ; and able to lift anything 

that is not too heavy. 
Listen to me and I will do you good. 
Loaf with me and I will do you better. 

And if any man gets ahead of me, he will find me after him. 
Vale ! — Boston Traveler. 

REFRESHING RAIN, 



" I was mighty thankful for that rain we got yesterday." 

" Yes, it did the corn a world of good. How many acres have you got 
planted in corn ? " 

" I've got no corn planted this year at all. I wasn't thinking about 
crops." 

' ' Well, how then can the rain benefit you ? " 

" You see, I don't often get a decent dinner at home, aB my wife says she 
can't cook in hot weather, but yesterday there was to be a church picnic, and 
she fixed up a lunch basket for the preacher's table, but it rained so the 
picnic couldn't come off. To keep the preacher's lunch from spoiling we had 
it for dinner, and it was the best dinner I've had since we were married. 
There was no end of chicken and jellies and that sort of alleviations. I 
feel like a new man — just as if I was born again. Don't tell me that rain 
yesterday didn't do the country any good. It was the moBt refreshing 
shower we have had for years." — Texas Sif tings. 



The first man who tattooed Blaine is no other than Oliver Wendell 
Holmes, who wrote this stanza during the war : 

Now, then, nine cheers for the stay-at-home ranger I 
Blow the great fish-horn and beat the big pan ! 

First in the field that is furthest from danger, 

Take your white feather plume, sweet little man ! — Uiica Observer. 

If Mr. Blaine does not let up on attending college commencements he 

will be mistaken for " one of them d d literary fellers," in spite of his 

"history." — Detriot Times. 



THE WASP. 



A LAY OF LAWN TENNIS. 



Where the level lawn is greenest, and the sunlight glistens sheeneet, 

Lo ! she stands ; 
While the game is just beginning, there's the racket poised for winning, 

In her hands. 

She is daintily athletic, she is very energetic 

In the bet ; 
See, she's just returned a twister that was sent her by her sister, 

O'er the net. 

She is great at " Renshaw smashes," 'tis a stroke that rather rash is— 

All the same ; 
But her pretty little muscles are quite equal to the tussels 

Of the game. 

Happy he who stands beside her, and is privileged to guide her, 

As she plays ! 
I could do that pleas.uit duty to this Amazonian beauty 

All my days. 

As I watch her garments flutter there are words I fain would utter, 

But I'm dumb ; 
For she's tennis mad, and never from her racket seems to sever — 

When I come. 

I must take my chance while playing, there is danger in delaying ; 

I'll confide 
My devotion so unswerving to the lady when I'm serving 

By her side. 

Not all Atalanta's paces, when she ran her famous races, 

Were more fleet ; 
Like Milanion in olden days, I'd cast the apples golden 

At her feet ! —Loudon World. 



A WOMAN'S JOURNAL. 



LI. 



Thursday, July 10th. 

I overhear a lively brush between the Law Student and his sister. 

Law Student (ferociously) : Why did you destroy all that paper stamped 
" Superior Court " 1 It would have been very useful to me after I am ad- 
mitted. 

Sister; But, Tom, all that paper was dated 188—. It would have 
been no use to you. You won't want any till l'JOO. 

Friday, 11th. 

While the writers on women's fashions are commenting merrily, caus- 
tically or approvingly, as their temperament inspires them, upon the present 
craze among girls for a masculine appearance, I bethought me of my friend 
Agnes who, like Lewis Carroll's Jub-jub, was "ages ahead of the fashion," 
in that she always has bought her handkerchiefs, collars, cuffs, neckties, 
traveling bags, dressing cases and brushes at a man's furnishing house, and 
when her papa offered her a watch on her eighteenth birthday, she only 
deigned to accept a man's watch. Her answer to every remonstrance was, 
" If the necessaries of life are made solid, serviceable and lasting fur men 
and flimBy and tumble-to-pieces for women, I, for one, mean to buy men's 
things." I said weakly that I didn't think women's thiug8 were all tumble- 
to-pieces. "Now, let me give you an example," said Agnes. "Women 
wore buttoned boots for ages before men did and what were they given to 
button them with? A wretched little hook three inches long. To use it 
they had to curl up on the floor or break their corset-steels, if they were fat, 
both. When men began to wear buttoned boots they immediately contrived 
a hook a yard long that could be used standing up.- Trust me, my dear, 
whether it's in the gray matter of the brain or sjme other matter, men are 
ahead of us in simple comfort in dress and as I can't invent for myself, I'm 
going to sneak along in their wake and glean all of their little dandified 
notions in haberdashery and perfumery and turn them to account and be 
comfortable, and the critics must try to bear it. " 

Saturday, lMh. 

Scene — Piazza at the seaside. Weather as hot as a man who hasn't led 
a righteous life could po3Bibly desire as a preparation. Time, 10 o'clock, p.m. 

Jack : Dearest, why can't we call it an engagement ? 
Oh, we can't ; indeed we can't. 
Why not ? Don't you love me ? 

I don't know — yes — I think so. 
Then why not an engagement ? 

Mamie (artlessly): I'm too young to be engaged to anybody. 

Jack : Oh dash blank (ad libitum. Exit Mamie unengaged.) 

/Scene — San Francisco. Time 2:30 p. m. 

Jack (who always took young ladies driving at the East): Won't you go 
driving with me this afternoon," MiaB Mamie? 

Mamie : You must ask Mamie's mamma. 

Jack : Oh damn Mamie's mamma. 

Jack was a profane young man, and Mamie, though too young to be en- 
gaged to anybody, was still beautifully fnted by divine Providence even at 
her tender years for taking care of herself. These are stories for girls. 

Sunday, 13th. 
It warms the very middle of my heart to read how Patti has raised the 
same old furor in London this season, and has commanded the same old 
prices. Wayward, wayward Gersterites of this my city, influenced as to 
your ears by the youlh and consecrated domesticity of the excellent Etelka, 
just a little afraid that la Patti would not come to us unless she was on the 
wane, and determined to spot the wane, as one might say, how you will read 



Mamie : 
Jack : 
Mamie : 
Jack ; 



of these triumphs and calmly say, " Well, I didn't like her as well as Gerster, 
anyway " — for it is not the nature of the human being joined to its idols to 
re-consider its idolatry lightly. 

Monday, l^th. 
In the account of the preliminaries of the Democratic Convention of 
Chicago, one of the newspapers had the delicious misprint that Ben Butler 
" waived.' 1 his Panama hat to the crowd, he being attired in evening dress. 
The compositor's taste in dress surpassed Ben's ; he knew that in full dress 
a Panama hat should be waived, and willing to assist his candidate when it 
was in his power he accordingly put down the Panama hat as waived. 

Tuesday, 15th. 

Brutal personalities rarely have much wit in them, but when a man is 
attacked there is a human pleasure in hearing him hit back promptly in 
kind, like Burnaud's much-sought Repartee to an armorer and for an arm- 
orer, in that inimitable little book Happy Thoughts. 

The Cynic told me a French club story which struck me as very pat : 

Monsieur X suffers from a painful scrofulous affection of the knee 

joint which crooks his leg in walking. Monsieur Z lost one of his eyes 

in a fencing match and has the missing one supplied with a glass-eye which a 
stranger would be Blow in detecting. As he put on his eye-glasses at the 

club one day to read the paper, X wishing to be funny, called out: 

" Why do wear two eye-glasseB Z , when you've only one eye ? " 

" Why do you wear trousers like the rest of us?" said Z ; "you've 

only one leg." 

Wednesday, 16th. 

Priscilla is a charming girl, of a sort of charm that I imagined dead and 
buried and forgotten. I have loved two or three such girls in my boarding- 
school days, but I thought they were the only girls of the kind, and they are 
dead. I might as well say candidly what I know to be the fact, that the 
major part of her charm is due to the fact and the causes of the fact that 
she is an earnest little churchwoman. Without controversy great is the 
fascination of genuine godliness for me in young girls. Those who are not 
so given are not in the least to blame — no doubt in the world about that — 
but those who are, like "Nora Brady " in the song, 

" Good society 
And full of piety," 

fill me with an enthusiasm that pushes me down the broad road that leads 
to Gush. Imagine a young lady, tall, slight, with fine abundant black hair, 
large, soft, somewhat prominent blue eyes, fragile in general appearance, 
with a characteristic quaintness in her scrupulously neat dress, and a sort of 
hot-weather, languid drawl in her speech. Unaffected, frank, innocent and 
gay, delightfully loquacious with the garrulity of one whoBe fresh and eager 
young mind is taking in so many impressions in this strange world that she 
must needs talk or perish, she prattles away with the confidence of a happy 
child. It is with surprise that gradually adjusts itself to the logical proba- 
bility of the thing that I learn that she is the head and front of a great in- 
stitution in an exceedingly neighboring state. Efficiency and executive 
ability under a delicate exterior, wisdom in the world's affairs growing like 
an exotic in her absolute unworldliness. Matron, indeed ! Walk on in 
loveliness, child. 

It is as if I extended 

My great paws over your hair, 
Praying the gods to preserve you 

Always so pure and fair. 

Paraphrase from Heine — more paraphrase than Heine. 

Priscilla said, with her little drawl, in honest Episcopal merriment over 
dissenting demonstration : "Oh, it was so funny. Once we had three of 
them in two weeks, the Salvation Army, the Band of Hope and the Soldiers 
of Zion. They marhed through the town, you know, and made so much 
noise and were followed by the little boys just like a ceuh-cus." Priscilla 
was born a New Yorker. J via, Dence, 

NATURAL HISTORY. 



New Issue. 



Of all our ancient domestic animals, the cat (Felis caterwaulis) may be 
said to have been the most useful. This small quadruped is usually repre- 
sented in old plates in three postureB — 1 (caudes erectus), on the top of a 
wall, the back forming an arch, and tail erect, in the act of crying ; 2, (pre- 
Jlammatus), curled up in front of the fire ; or, 3 (rampant salwatis), Bitting 
on its hind legs, spitting. This small creature was at one time the object of 
worship of the anciens virqinisoi Great Britain, and several attempts to ren- 
der it the subject of taxation were indignantly repudiated by the commu- 
nity. It was universally revered. Its bowels were made into fiddle-strings ; 
its fieBh was supposed to have been made into sassingers ; its bones con- 
verted into phosphorus ; its skin lined the cloaks of the most wealthy ; its 
claws used to be mounted into brooches and earrings and Bet with precious 
stones ; and latterly, its head, stuffed, ornamented the headgear of ladies of 
fashion. Stones, old boots, corkscrews and bottles were .nocturnally dedi- 
cated to its worship out of the back windows, and "to be beloved as a 
cat " was a proverb among the people. Its young were consigned with ten- 
derness to the waterbutt. — Judy. 



"Doctor, I want to thank you for your great patent medicine." 
" It helped you, did it 1 " asked the doctor, very much pleased. 
" It helped me wonderfully." 

"How many bottles did you find it necessary to take ? " 
" Oh, I didn't take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his 
sole heir." — N. Y. Sun. 



It is said that when Blaine goes up Salt river he will take the star 
route. 

A terrible rumor is afloat that Miss Terry will not return to America 
with Irving. Irving without Terry would be like an apple- dumpling with no 
apple in it. 



SP. 




A L ENTRY 



SCHMIDT LABELS LITHO CO.,SAN FRANCISIO. 



10 



THE WASP. 



A FEW REMARKS 



About Old Maids and the Fair Sex Generally. 



Old maids are said by men to be the essence of acidity, 
And others grasp the same idea with eagerest rapidity ; 
But I myself have always had my doubts of its validity, 
In which perhaps you think I show the greatest of stupidity, 

But I don't. 

Of course there are some ancient maids filled full of gall and bitterness, 
But that they are not all the same I sit here as a wit-a-ness (!) 
They're rather queer, I own, and charged with what the Yanks call " critter-ness,' 

But that's all. 

A woman really should not be accused of eccentricity 
Because she thinks a single state will bring the most felicity ; 
A man imagines if she won't get spliced, she's sure to miss it— he 

Is an ass. 

There's every chance that she will find a man a superfluity, 
Although a man cannot be brought in this same light to view it ; he 
Appears to think that such a thing is quite an incongruity ; — 

Poor fellah ! 

Why, a man's the vainest thing on earth, far worse than femininity; 
He laughs at it for being vain in his proud mas-culinity, — 
Thus showing that he really is the height of asininity ; — 

Be hanged to him ! 

A man imagines he's the thing a female must be dying for, 
And that his lovely self is all that ev'ry woman's sighing for ; 
And that "a man ! a man ! a man ! " is what each girl is crying for. 

Heavings ! 

Bah ! if girls could get their pop and cream and bonnets without paying for 'em, 
They'd say, " Why ! what's the use of men ? it isn't worth while trying for 'em." 
I know they would, and they'll acknowledge all that I am saying for 'em, 

Won't you, pets ? 

So, in conclusion, I beg to remark that 
Old maids are sensible indeed ; acknowledge the propriety 
Of this when next you see a man in state of inebriety, 
And say if, of that creature you would shortly have satiety 

Or not. 

Old maids have no such things as men who're fond of lush to trouble 'em, 
And, if they've troubles of their own, such men would only double 'em, 
(And here I cannot find a rhyme to double 'em and trouble 'em, 

So let her go.) 

And now my little song I've sung in vein of jocularity ; 
Some folks will say that my ideas are tinged with singularity, — 
But I have quite forgotten one, just one, peculiarity, 
And thaVs why some old maids are so— because their hair is carroty. 

Good-bye. 
m — J. W. Bern 

ASSISTED WIT, 



Assisted by the Scissors from the Columns of Our Contemporaries Into Oars, 

You invite a man to dinner because you are acquainted with his grand- 
father, or it is proper you should ; but you invite a man to breakfast because 
you want to see him. 



r- Left Bower, eh ? What did she leave Bower for ? 
,pent and at least write Bower ? 



And won't she re- 



While you are minding your 
your oweB. 



P's and Q's " it is a good idea to mind 



on5?s Mrs/Malaprop says that the shad is the summum bonem of the fish 
kingdom. 



(< Whr, what is the matter, my darling? " 
He asked, as her hand he did grip, 

" Oh, Smithy ! " she sobbed, "a musketeer 
Has bitten me right on the lip." 

" Oh ! what can I do for you, sweetest ? " 

He cried out in perplexitee ; 
" Just press your lips close to mine, Smithy, 

And draw out the poison for me." 



William Black, the novelist, has for a dinner-bell a cow-bell from the 
Roman CampHgua, and Justin McCarthy claims that he has trumped that 
trick with a camel-bell from Jerusalem. 



f& " Where in the world have you been 1 " demanded a wife of her husband. 
"It's nearly three o'clock in the morning." 

<( I know (hie) it is, my dear. But I cannot tell a lie. I've been working 
at the (hie) office." 

" Well, lean tell a lie," she replied sharply, "the moment I hear it, 

and " 

Then the fur flew. 



The Evening Journal informs the public that Mr. Joseph Medill " has 
left in a new white hat for Colorado." If the hat does not burst its boiler, 
crash through a bridge, jump the track or collide with another piece of head- 



gear, the distinguished editor of the Tribune will reach Denver in safety. 
We sincerely hupe there will be no brisk breezes in the West during the next 
few days. The hat might blow away. 

" What's the matter with your voice ? " asked a passenger on a London 
train of the conductor, who couldn't speak above a whisper. 

** I 'ave to call the stations so loud hit makeB me 'oarse." 

" Why don't you call them softer ? " 

" Hi cawn't wake them hup, sir, hunless hi yell." 

" Wake them up ? How can they go to sleep when they are only on the 
train ten or fifteen minutes 1 " 

" Go to Bleep, sir? Why, they hall buys Punvh hand the hother papers 
hat the station, hand " 

" Oh, yes, I see. Excuse my stupidity." 



This is the time of year when the pretty picnic girl with the trim ankle 
and peat boots calls out " Snake ! " 



To "Constant Reader," " Old Subscriber," " Veritas," " An Admirer 
of the Press," and others too everlastingly numerous to mention : "We've 
got tired explaining how Blaine came to be called the " Plumed Knight." 
If you want to find out, write to Colonel Robert G. Ingeraoll, Washington, 
D. C, and enclose a stamp. If he won't tell you he'll do the next best 
thing — he will keep the stamp. 



When you now salute a New York man with "Good morning," he re- 
plies in frightened tones : " It may be a good morning and it may not ; I 
am in the hands of my counsel and can say nothing." 



An enterprising seaside landlord advertises that the bathing suits worn 
at his resort this season are far more shocking than at any other place on 
the coast, and that no advance in rates will take place. 



" That woman was enough to enrage a saint," said a St. Louis man, who 
no longer lived with his wife. 

' ' How so 1 " asked a friend. 

" Why, she expected me to do all kinds of housework. After we had been 
married only a month she asked me one morning to get up and dust ! ' 

" And what did you do l " 

" I got up and dusted, and I never returned to her." 



A Far^o young lady named Rouse caught a glimpse of a poor little 
rriouBe, and the scream that she scrome shattered heaven's blue dome and 
bulged out the walls of the house. 



She was in humble circumstances, but she was a Boston girl for all that. 
" Yes, papa is a unicyclist,'' she remarked to the railroad reporter whom 
she met on an excursion train. 

" Indeed?" responded the young gentleman addressed, very much con- 
cerned to know what a unicyclist might be, but very much afraid of expos- 
ing his Western rawness by asking. 

From a Boston young man on the train it was lerned that " papa " im- 
parted the desired impetus to a wheelbarrow UBed in connection with city 
improvements. 



The center of gravity — An English joke. 



ON AND OFF THE BENCH. 



Two residents of Springwells had a difficulty over a game of cards the 
other day, and the result was the arrest of one for assault and battery. 
When the case was called yesterday the complainant took the stand to ex- 
plain how it happened. 

" You see, Judge," he began, "we were three points up." 

" What's a point ? " blandly inquired the court. 

" Why, we were playing five-point euchre. We each had three. A point 
counts one, your Honor. " 

" Ah!" 

" He dealt, and it was my lead." 

11 Deal — lead ! Please explain." 

" Why, he shuffled the cards and dealt the hand, and it was my first 
play." 

" Well, go on ; perhaps I can understand." 

" I led the ace of diamonds, and he trumped it with a club. That is, he 
refused suit." 

" Dj you mean he refused to be sued 1 " 

" No, sir. I'd like to explain this thing to you, because it was about the 
suit we had our fuss. 

" I see — go on. You say you put a diamond down on the table. Did he 
grab it ? " 

" He trumped it with a club." 

" Ah ! Did you see him carrying this club around before you sat down 
to play ? " 

" Your Honor, I'd like to take a pack of cards and explain to you." 

11 No use — no use. I : ve heard some of the aldermen speak about the right 
and left bowers, and I've heard of j.icks and kings and aces, but it would be 
lost time to try to show me. You don't seem to have any case." 

" But that's because you don't understand me. When I charged him with 
refusing suit he struck me in the mouth." 

" Did, eh ? Well, there isn't any case to speak of. The prisoner is dis- 
charged, and you'd better whack up on the costs." 

t( And to think ! " groaned the counsel for the plaintiff as he reached the 
sidewalk, " that only the evening before this same innocent old j. p. beat 
me out of seven glasses of beer at that very game of euchre, and I'll take 
my solemn amdavy that he stocked the oardB on me at least every other 
hand." — Detroit Free Press. 



THE WASP. 



11 



A BANG-UP PERFORMANCE, 



Last week we went up to the Coliseum at Minneapolis to hear Theodore 
Thomas's orchestra, the Wagner trio and Christine Nilsson. The Coliseum 
is a large rink just out of Minneapolis, on the road between that city and 
St. Paul. It can seat 4,000 people comfortably, but the management like to 
wedge 4,500 people in there on a warm day and watch the perspiration 
trickle out through the clapboards on the outside. On the closing after- 
noon, during the matinee performance, the building was struck by lightning 
and a hole knocked out of the Corinthian duplex that surmounts the oblique 
portcullis on the off side. The reader will see at once the location of the 
bolt. The lightning struck the flagstaff, ran down the leg of a man who was 
repairing the electric light, took a chew of his tobacco, turned his boot 
wrong Bide out and induced him to change his sock, toyed with a chilblain, 
wrenched out a soft corn and roguishly put it in his ear, then ran down the 
electric light wire, a part of it tilling an engagement in the Coliseum and 
the balance following the wire to the depot, where it made a double-pointed 
toothpick of a pole fifty feet high. All this was done very briefly. Those 
who have seen lightning toy with a cottonwood tree know that this fluid 
makes a specialty of it at once and in a brief manner. The lightning in 
this case broke the glass in the skylight and deposited the broken fragments 
on a half dozen parquet chairs that were empty because the speculators who 
owned them couldn't get but $50 apiece, and were waiting for a man to 
mortgage his residence and sell a team. He couldn't make the transfer in 
time for the matinee, so the seats were vacant when the lightning struck. 
The immediate and previous fluid then shot athwart the auditorium in the 
direction of the platform, where it nearly frightened to death a large chorus 
of children. Women fainted, ticket speculators fell §2 on desirable seats, 
and Btrong men coughed up a clove. The scene beggared description. I in- 
tended to have said that before but forgot it. Theodore Thomas drew a full 
breath and Christine Nilsson drew her salary. Two thousand strong men 
thought of their wasted lives, and two thousand women felt for their back 
hair to see if it was still there. I say, therefore, without successful contra- 
diction, that the scene beggared description. 

In the evening several people sang, "The Creation." Nilsson was 
" Gabriel." " Gabriel " has a beautiful voice, cut low in the neck, and sings 
like a joyous bobolink in the dew-saturated mead. How's that? Nilsson 
is proud and haughty in her demeanor, and I had a good notion to send a 
note up to her Btating that she needn't feel so lofty, and if she could sit up 
in the peanut gallery where I was and look at herself with her dress kind of 
sawed off at the top, she would not be so vain. She wore a diamond neck- 
lace and silk skirt. The skirt was cut princess, I think, to harmonize with 
her Balary. As an old neighbor of mine said when he painted the top board 
of his fence green, he wanted it " to kind of corroborate with his blinds." 
He's the same man who went to Washington about the time of the Guiteau 
trial and said he was present at the " post-mortise " examination. But the 
funniest thing of all, he said, was to see Dr. Mary Walker riding one of 
these "Philosophers" around on the streets. 

But I am wandering. We were speaking of the festival. Theodore 
Thomas is certainly a great leader. What a pity he is out of politics. He 
pounded the air all up flne there Thursday. I think he had twenty- five 
small-sized fiddles, ten medium size, and five of those big fat ones that a 
bald-headed man generally annoys. Then there was a lot of wind instru- 
ments, drums, etc. There were 600 performers on the stage, counting the 
chorus, with 4,500 people in the house and 3,000 outside yelling at the ticket 
office — also at the top of their voices — and swearing because they couldn't 
mortgage their immortal souls and hear Nilsson's coin-silver notes. It was 
frightful. The building settled twelve inches in those two hours and a half, 
the electric lights went out nine times for refreshments, and on the whole 
the entertainment was a grand success. The first time the lights adjourned 
an usher came in on the stage through a side entrance with a kerosene lamp. 
I guesB he would have stood there and held it for Nilsson to sing by if 4,500 
people hadn't with one voice laughed him out into the starless night. You 
might as well have tried to light benighted Africa with a white bean. I 
shall never forget how proud and buoyant he looked as he sailed in with that 
kerosene lamp with a Boiled chimney on it, and how hurt and grieved he 
seemed when he took it and groped his way out, while the Coliseum 
trembled with " ill-concealed merriment " with permission of the proprie- 
tors, for this season only. — Bill Nye. 



CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS, 



A prominent politician states that the Republican party is on its last 
legs, and very weak in the knees. 

Knees ? Why, what can — oh, yes. Hm ! ah ha, we catch. Nominees. 
— Life. 

In nominating a candidate for the Vice-Presidency the Democrats must 
consider his euchre-playing qualities. They want a man that can turn 
Jack. — Cincinnati Times-Star. 



If some enterprising college does not make Black Jack an LL.D. it will 
be too shabby. General John can swear, it is said, in fifteen different 
languages. — Kingston (N. Y.) Leader. 

Newspaper writers should remember that it is Blaine and not Gail 
Hamilton that is the Pvepublican candidate., She may be the power behind 
the throne, but the votes will be cast for her friend James G. Blaine. — 
Buffalo Times. 



They had a "Fourth of July" celebration in New Guinea. It com- 
menced with fire-crackers and torpedoes at sunrise, after which an oration 
was delivered in the St. John the Baptist Methodist Church by Mr. Andrew 
Martin Van Buren Mulberry, and in the evening the festivities closed by a 
supper and cake-walk. Admission 10 cents a head, for the benefit of the 
New Guinea Blaine and Logan Campaign Club. Mr. Mulberry " discoased 



on do state ob de country for more dan two hours, dooring which yer could 
hev heerd a gum drop, an when he ended his interrogotion, wid de following 
emcomium : ' From de farthest souf, whar mercury freezes, de name ob 
James G. Blaine will vivanderate up an troo de lab'rinths ob time into de 
convex ob eternal oblivion,' de enthoosiasm ob do populace knew no bounds 
an de air war heavy wid de shouts ob de Blaine men." 



Mr. Lyman Bays General Logan is illiterate. It's a Lie, man ! 
< 'utirin - . 



-Lowell 



" Speaking of factions," remarked a politician, " there is one faction to 
which nobody objects." 

" What faction is that ? " asked a man in the crowd. 
" Satisfaction," was the reply. 



In the heat of thiB political strife, somebody halts to inquire, " Why 
does the President wear a white hat?" In any other than a Presidential 
year the public would be satisfied with the explanation that he wears a white 
hat to protect his head. —Harpers Weekly. 



BEECHER ON ADVERTISING, 



* * * "I am glad that the doctor cured him. I am glad that doctor 
put in the paper that he could cure him. And if any doctor is certain he 
can cure such diseases and don't put it in the paper I am sorry. What a pity 
it would have been had this doctor come to town with his wealth of science 
and experience and gone away leaving him uncured. What a pity it would 
have been if he had been bo prejudiced against advertising as to read the re- 
sponsible certificates of the doctor and given him the go-by as a quack. 
What are the newspapers for, if not to circulate information ? What more 
valuable information can a newspaper give than to tell a sick man where he 
can be cured ? If a man has devoted his life and labor to the study of a 
special class of diseases, the necessity of his saying so becomes all the more 
pressing. His duty to advertise becomes imperious. A really able man, 
whatever be his gifts, makes a great mistake if he fails to use those gifts 
through want of advertising." 

The above extract from an able arli^le by the Rev. Mr. Beecher em- 
bodies a sound view of the subject of advertising. Suppose Dr. Darrin, now 
located at 113 Stockton street, had come totht- city and not advertised, who 
would know of his presence? Who would know of the following almost 
miraculous cure he performed in 1872 had not Mr. Dibble put it in the 
paper? — 

Mr. Editor — In 1872 my daughter was taken with the membraneous 
croup, and upon her recovery was left totally deaf. I called on two eminent 
physicians, who said they could do nothing for her. As a last resort I took 
her to Dr. Darrin, who cured her, and she has never been troubled with 
deafness since. I consider it one of the greatest cures of magnetic treat- 
ment on record, and with great satisfaction give this testimonial. I reside 
in Berkeley, Alameda county, and will take great pleasure in answering 
any inquiries concerning this most remarkable cure. Yours, respectfully, 

William S. Dibble. 
How a Paralyzed Hand was Cured. 

To the Public : Unseen forces are more powerful than seen ones. 
Magnetism performs cures silently, but surely. To this hundreds can testify 
who have been cured by Dr. Darrin, at 113 Stockton street. I do not pro- 
fess to understand this unseen power, but gladly accept the great boon of 
health which this treatment has wrought on me. For nearly a year past my 
hands (particularly the right) have been partially paralyzed so as to render 
them useless. After receiving the magnetic or vital cure as administered 
by Dr. Darrin, I consider them nearly or quite restored to their normal con- 
dition. I gladly give my testimony in favor of Dr. Damn's mode of treat- 
ment for all similarly afflioted. D. L. McDonald, 

1800 Laguna street, San Francisco. 



" Johnny," cried a mother to her boy, who was yelling with the peculiar 
intensity of a small boy with the throttle wide open, " 0, Johnny ! " 
" Yes, ma'am." 

" For Heaven's sake, what are you yelling at, that way ? " 
" Ma'am?" 

" I said, what are you yelling at 1 " 
" I'm yellin' at the top of my voice. I thought you knowed." 

Two Rockland citizens were toddling up street the other day, and the 
close and earnest manner in which they were seen to be in conversation 
clearly betokened that they were exchanging their experiences with dyspep- 
sia. "And did you ever try the hot water cure?" asked the thin man, as 
they paused at the melancholy man's gate. "Did I?' 5 repeated the mel- 
ancholy man, in a tone of sarcasm ; ™ well, I should say I did ; I — why, I've 
been married fourteen years." — Rockland Courier. 



A GEM FOR THE BREAKFAST-TABLE. 
One of the most nourishing articles of diet, and something undoubtedly unrivaled 
as a cereal food, ha3 lately been introduced among the retail grocers. It is made of 
Sonora wheat of the best selection, and is called Pettijohn's "Breakfast Gem." By 
a neat process it is hulled, removing the gross impurity of the outer husk covering, 
taking away entirely the indigestible portion generally found in cracked wheat and 
other preparations, making it pure, healthy and most palatable. It is strongly recom- 
mended by our physicians for invalids, and, in fact, we know it will come into general 
use. It is put up in 24 large packages, in a case. Sold very reasonably by all grocers. 
"We learn that Messrs. Castle Brothers, wholesale grocers, 213 Front street, of this city, 
are having a great demand for this new nutritious food. 



CALIFORNIA WINES AND BRANDIES. 
It is worth while to visit Messrs. Kohler & Van Bergen's wine vaults, 417 and 419 
Montgomery street, and their branch vaults, 987 to 993 Market street, and see the im- 
mense product of rich native wine stored there ; it amounts to millions of gallons. 
This firm are extensive growers and dealers, and command a very large trade. Their 
zinfandel, clarets, hocks, ports and sherries are of superior_quality. 



12 



THE WASP. 



SHOW NOTES, 



!' They neglected their business, they gave themselves airs, 

Read the poets in Greek, sipped their wine, took their rest, 
Never troubling their beautiful heads with affairs, 
And as for their morals— the least said the best." 

That is Offenbach's idea of the old heathen deities. A picture of such a state of 
things would be dear to the French mind. There are times when it is dear to any 
mind — when one has need of a brilliant, senseless revel. It can have more " features " 
if we see it given by trained minds than if we participated more or less awkwardly. 
We want " something light," and we have come to such a pass that Offenbach himself 
is too heavy. In order to get up a really popular spectacle to-day, Max Freeman had 
to take an opera called bouffe already and turn it into a burlesque. 

The gods and goddesses of Offenbach are modern Parisian imperial society, going 
the pace to Offenbach's music ; the gods and goddesses of the American burlesque of 
Offenbach are fast American society that has been a good deal to the minstrels. That 
is the difference between the opera bouffe OrpMc aux Enfcrs and the burlesque on it, 
Orpheus and Eurydice. 

My brothers, what went we out to the Baldwin to see? A shapely leg shaken in 
the wings ? 

But what went we out for to see ? A woman clothed in all her raiment ? Behold ! 
they that wear unabridged clothing are in unaccepted tragedies. 

But what went we out for to see ? A burlesque ? Yea, and nothing more than a 
burlesque, which means some well-made women, very scantily clad, but the one essen- 
tial garment new, rich and glittering. The Bijou Company treated us squarely. 
Marie Vanoni is as cold as a steel spring, but she is as bounding and inexhaustible. 
She is fairly impish in her agility and suggestiveness — a sort of corrupted will-o'-the- 
wisp. She is so ugly that she is picturesque, and she never leaves you in doubt whether 
she or the naughtiness of your heart is responsible for the impression made. She is to 
blame every time. 

" Styx '■ sings one excellent drunken burlesque song and then is consistently revolt- 
ing. Apollo and the Muses lack their trademarks among the deities who make up 
background, but "Time" and "Morphpus" were both capital figures, especially 
" Morpheus," with his poppies. When he tossed little Cupid bravely upright on his 
shoulders I thought the two were a mi'iu aental burlesque on the soft chiming of 
Sleep and Love in pre-Raphaelite verse. 

At Emerson's Theater, Lew Johnson's Original Tennessee Jubilee Singers have 
been giving an enjoyable entertainment. The first part of the programme is especially 
characteristic, and the sweet, untrained voices sing the peculiar negro songs in a touch- 
ing and appropriate fashion. A. L. T. 

PROFITABLE TOOTH CARPENTRY, 

Several of our esteemed contemporaries have recently made a prodigious 
fuss over a bill of $7,000, which was presented by a prominent local dentist 
to a Venezuelan general for four days' work upon the teeth of the latter's 
wife. It is very evident that our esteemed contemporaries have but little 
idea of the expense involved in gold mining in Venezuelan back teeth, and 
as a simple act of justice we publish the following items. It will be borne in 
mind that the rules are those fixed by the College of Odontological Ethics, 
and are in vogue throughout the United States and Canada : 

To inquiring patient's name $5 00 

To trying to recollect same 2 50 

To appointing hour for visit 19 00 

To recording sanie 2 00 

To keeping appointment with patient 25 00 

Asking patient what's the matter 10 00 

Requesting patient to wait a few minutes, at §2 a minute 70 00 

Screwing up chair, S2. 50 a turn 17 50 

Telling patient to open mouth 10 00 

Punching tooth with crowbar to see if it is sensitive, at §5 a punch. . 25 00 

Finding out it is sensitive 6 00 

Examining tooth without mirror 20 00 

Examining tooth with " 20 00 

Use of cuspidor 50 00 

Laughing gas, at $50 a snicker 250 00 

Stuffing mouth full of cotton, at S50 a bale 150 00 

Looking over box of instruments 18 00 

Selecting instrument 300 00 

Rolling up sleeves 50 00 

Getting to work on tooth 950 00 

Pulling out wrong molar 500 00 

Use of cuspidor 50 00 

Blasting and dredging 450 00 

Six bales extra cotton, at $50 300 00 

Ascertaining which is right molar 700 00 

Jerking same 1 00 

Use of cuspidor. 99 00 

Showing tooth to patient. 50 00 

Asking her how she feels 150 00 

Asking her if she'd like to have the tooth wrapped up in a nice white 

paper to take home 150 00 

Being told "no" 50 00 

Charging items in book 500 00 

Use of cuspidor 50 00 

Incidentals 950 00 

Interest on account rendered 600 00 

Wear and tear on nervous system 250 00 

S6,850 00 
Profit 150 00 

$7,000 00 

— Life. 



" What should we do if your sister got to be such an old maid that her 
matrimonial credit was all gone and we couldn't get anybody to take her?" 
asks Mr. Bumpsey of Johnny. Johnny (who has been reading up on the 
Colton trial) : " Appoint a receiver, pa.' 1 



BOON TO MUSICIANS. 

Our angular rooms, with their 
alcoves, bay windows and corners 
are ill adapted for music rooms 
The Japanese Folding Screen can 
so concentrate the sound as to 
make a music room of any. 

This is only one of the dozens 
of uses to which screens can be 
put; and it is sure to happen 
that, by-and-by, in the course of 
a few years, they will be consid- 
ered the most useful piece of fur- 
niture in the house, and certainly 
the least expensive and most orna- 
mental. 

Ichi Ban, 20—22—24 Geary 
street. The most beautiful store 
in America, has a great stock of 
them, ranging in price from $2.50 
upwards. 




FOUND AT LAST. 

A pure and wholesome preparation for dressing and promoting the growth of the 
hair, for allaying and preventing inflammation, alleviating and curing (all ordinary 
diseases of the scalp and skin, August Koehncke's Hair Restorer ; a cure and pre- 
ventative of premature baldness. It is a purely botanical compound, and not a greasy, 
dirty mess. Totally unlike nearly all other preparations for the hair and skin. It 
contains neither mineral, chemical, animal nor vegetable poisons. J. J. Mack & Co., 
9 and 11 Front street, San Francisco, Sole Agent ; or, direct to A. Koehncke, manu- 
facturer, Watsonville, Cal. Sent to any address on receipt of $1 ; six bottles, $5. 



A HEALTHY DRINK AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. 

It is important to families as well as first-class saloon men to know that H. L. St. 
John & Co., 14 Hayes street, are making the genuine old-fashioned Eastern Root Beer 
from selected roots and herbs. It is cooling, healthy and delicious, good for old and 
young. It is the cheapest and best drink in the city. One dozen pints only 70 cents, 
one dozen quarts only $1.10, delivered free to your house. All bottles have patent 
stoppers. Try the Root Beer. 

A RELIABLE WINE FIRM. 
The finest quality of old imported champagne wines of Messrs. Deutz & Gelder- 
man, " Cachet Blanc," extra dry, in cases, quarts and pints ; the " Cabinet Green 
Seal," in baskets, quarts and pints ; also, Bordeaux red and white wines, in cases, 
from Messrs. A. de Luze & Fils ; fine hock from G. M. Pabstmann Shon, Mainz. Can 
be obtained from Charles Meinecke & Co., the old reliable importing firm, 314 Sacra- 
mento street. 



A DELICIOUS BEVERAGE. 

One of the best, most palatable, and we may say supeiior beers now in use in our 
city is the "Kaiser," "Salvator" and "Fredericksburg" lager beer, brewed by the 
celebrated Fredericksburg Brewing Company of San Jose. It has become a "house- 
hold word" with all lovers of a genuine glass of lager. Try it. All orders will be 
promptly filled by applying at their general office, 539 California street. 



READ THIS. 

Mr. A. H. Baldwin (formerly McDowell & Baldwin) of the San Francisco Carpet 
Beating Machine, 1321 and 1323 Market street, has now new machinery throughout. 
Calls for carpets, renovates and relays them all in one day. Refitting carpets a 
specialty. Telephone 3036. Remember, it3Tno Chinamen employed at this establish - 
ment. 



PHILADELPHIA BREWERY. 

The Philadelphia Brewery has sold during the year 1882 64,188 barrels of beer, 
being twice as much as the next two leading breweries in this city. (See Official 
Report, U. S. Internal Revenue, January, 1883.) The beer from this brewery has a 
Pacific Coast renown unequaled by any other on the Coast 



NATURAL MINERAL WATER. 
The Tolenas Spring Soda, natural mineral water lately introduced here, is re- 
freshing, agreeable and effervescent, cures indigestion, acidity of the stomach, etc. 
Turner Bros. & Co., 217 Commercial street, general agents Pacific coast. 



BURNHAM'S ABIETENE. 

W. W. Haney, 221 Sacramento St., San Francisco, says " Burnham's Abietene " 
cured him of^ Rheumatism and Kidney trouble after every other remedy failed. He 
used it both internally and externally. It is sold by druggists generally. 



MOST MARKED SUCCESS. 
Messrs. Benham & Eaton, 735 Market street, proprietors of the Model Music 
Store, are agents for the celebrated Hazelton pianos, also the Benham piano ; first- 
class and medium price. Give them a call. 



FINE OLD TABLE WINES. 
Messrs. J. Gundlach & Co., vine growers, corner Market and Second Btreets, 
make a great specialty of fine old table wines, their own production from their own 
extensive vineyards in Sonoma county. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Who desire to keep the "WASP" on file, can now be again supplied with 
Covers. Price, Fifty Cents. 

38 Cough Mixture^ has no equal. While taking 38 Cough Mixture you can con- 
tinue your usual avocation. 38 Cough Mixture will cure your cold quicker than any 
other remedy ; other remedies are good, but 38 Cough Mixture will cure any and all 
kinds of colds with less trouble than any other kind. For Bale by all druggists. B. J. 
Rhodes & Co., manufacturers, San Jose, Cal. 



J. P. Tenthorey & Co., 558 Mission street, have always on hand for the trade the 
finest Maccaroni, "Vermicelli, Farina and paste of all descriptions in French and Italian 
style. fl2TNo retail in our factory. 



THE WASP. 



13 



A SAIL IN A CAT-BOAT. 



I Bhall have a nice trip. 
Of the sea air I'll sip. 
(What makes the thing tip?) 

In this sweet little boat, 
On the billows afloat, 
(Where is my rubber coat?) 

I could sail for a year 
Without any fear. 
(I'm feeling so queer !) 



O'er the ocean I'll roam ; 
I will skim o'er the foam, 
(I wish I were home !) 

While the winds moan and sigh 
And the waters dash high, 
(I'm afraid I shall die.) 

» * J * * # / \ * 9 • . 

?!!!!!! i i i 

Oh, my ! 

— L. D. in "Life: 



Nineteenth 

INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION 

MECHANICS' FAIR 

M\ I It l\< IM (>, 1884, 

OPENS AUGUST 5tu; CLOSES SEPTEMBER 
8th. MECHANICAL PROGRESS, IN- 
VENTION, ART and NATURAL PRODUCTS 
will be represented by the beat obtainable ex- 
hibits on this coast. Ah 

INSTRUMENTAL CONCERT 

by an efficient orchestra each afternoon and 
evening-. 

PREMIUMS. 

Medals of gold, silver and bronze, diplomas 
and cash will be awarded as premiums to 
meritorious exhibits. 

ADMISSION. 

Double season tickets, $5 ; Bingle season, S3 ; 
apprentice season, S1.60; child's, $1.60; adult 
single admission, 50 cents; child's, 25 cents; 
SEASON TICKETS TO MEMBERS OF THE 
INSTITUTE AT HALF-RATES. 

Any desired information given or sent on ap- 
plication to the SECRETARY, 31 Post Street. 
P. B. CORNWALL, President. 

J. H. Culver, Secretary. 



Pettijohn's 

BREAKFAST CEM 



Healthiest & Most Palatable 

Of any Cereal Food in the World. 
MADE FROM THE CHOICEST 

SONORA WHEAT. 

It Is Unrivaled in Excellence and 

Purity. It Is Nutritious and 

Easily Digested. It Is Free 

froni all Impurities. 

This Excellent BREAKFAST GEM is put up 
in 24 Packages in each case. 

ALL RETAIL GROCERS KEEP IT. 



CALIFORNIA 

SUGAR REFINERY 

OFFICE, 327 MARKET ST. 
REFINERY, ■ ■ ■ POTRERO, 



CLAUS SPKECKELS President 

J. D. SPRECKELS Vice-President 

A. B. SPRECKELS Secretary 



DIVIDEND NOTICE. 

THE GERMAN SAVINGS AND 
LOAN SOCIETY. 

For the half year ending June 30, 1884, the 
Board of Directors of THE GERMAN SAVINGS 
AND LOAN SOCIETY has declared a dividend 
on Term Deposits at the rate of four and 
thirty-two one hundredths (4 32-100) per cent, 
per annum, and on Ordinary Deposits at the 
rate of three and six-tenths (3 6-10) per cent, 
per annum, and payable on and after the 1st 
day of July, 1884. By order, 

GEO. LETTE, Secretary 



THE 



HAWAIIAN HOTEL 



Honolulu, H. I. 



This house has been entirely renovated and 
extended, and under the new management will 
be conducted with particular reference to the 

Comfort and Convenience 



TOURISTS. 

The Hotel is most delightfully situated, and 
the Cuisine is equal to that of the Leading 
Metropolitan Hotels of the United States. 



GEO. H. 



FAS SETT, 

Manager. 



THE /ETNA SPRINGS. 

To the highly curative proprieties of these 
waters and the charms of the place is added an 
elegant and capacious Swimming; Bath. 

These waters purify the blood, refresh, renew 
and restore the whole system. 

They cure Rheumatism, Sciatica, Dyspepsia, 
Erysipelas, Kidney and Liver Diseases, Chronic 
Diarrhoea, Paralysis and Pulmonary Complaints 
in the early stages. 

These waters are a specific in cases of Malaria, 
Chill and Ague Fever. 

They afford magical relief in cases of Nervous- 
ness, Sleeplessness and General Debility. 

Visitors leave San Francisco at 8 a. M. for St. 
Helena, thence by daily stage (Sundays ex- 
cepted), arriving at the jEtnas at 5 p. m. 

For Pamphlet containing Analysis and Cures, 
address WAI. BURNELL, Sup*t, or U11. 
II. I IIH I I , Proprietor, Lidcll P. O., 
Napa Co., Cal. 



ni ft I II f" Agents wanted for authen- 
Ul A I Kl L tic edition of his life Pub- 

|| I £1 I IV | lished at Augusta,his home. 

■J l*n Illii Largest, handsomest, cheap- 
est, best. By the renowned historian and biog- 
rapher, Col. Conwell, whose life of Garfield, 
published by us, outsold the twenty others by 
60,000. Outsells every book ever published in 
this world ; many agents are selling fifty daily. 
Agents are making fortunes. All new beginners 
successful ; grand chance for them ; $43.50 
made by a lady agent the first day. Terms most 
liberal. Particulars free. Better send 25 cents 
for postage, etc., on free outfit, now ready, in- 
cluding large prospectus book, and save valu- 
able time. 

ALLEN' A CO., Augusta, Maine. 



WALL PAPERS, 

FRESCOING, 

INTERIOR DECORATING, 

WINDOW SHADES, 

G. W. CLARK & OO. 

646 and 64T MARKET ST. 



DR. SPINNEY, 

\0. 1 1 KEARNY ST., 

Treat* all Chronic and Special Diseases 

IOIWC MEN. 

The following symptoms are frequently met 
with among young men : 

Loss of Memory and Energy, Eyes growin 
Weak, Eruptions on the Forehead, Unrefreshing 
Sleep, Bad Feeling on rising in the Morning, 
Loss of Appetite, Palpitation of the Heart, 
Despondency, Timidity, Brooding over the Past, 
Apprehensions for the Future, Aversion to So- 
ciety, an unnatural preference for Solitude, and 
many others. These are the results of youthful 
follies or indiscretions, and those suffering from 
any or all of them will do well to avail them- 
selves of this, the greatest boon over laid at the 
altar of suffering humanity. DR. SPINNEY 
will guarantee to forfeit 3500 for a case of any 
kind or character which ho undertakes and fails 
to cure. 

MIDDLE- AO ED MEN. 

There are many at the age of thirty to sixty 
who are trouble with diseases of Kidney and 
Bladder and a weakening of the system in a 
manner the patient cannot account for. Many 
men die of this difficulty, ignorant of the cause. 
Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure in all s uch 
cases, and a healthy restoration of the affected 
parts. 

Office Hours— 10 to 4 and to S. Sundays, 
from 10 to 11 a.m. Consultation free. Thorough 
examination and advice $5. Call or address, 
DR. SPINNEY & CO., 11 Kearny St., S. F. 



DR. ALLEN'S 

PRIVATE DISPENSARY, 

26J Kbarnt Street, San Francisco, Cai,. 

Established for the Scientific and Speedy Cure of 

Chronic, Nervous and Special Diseases. 

THE EXPERT SPECIALIST, 

r. Allen, is a regular Physician from University 
of Michigan. He is acknowledged to be the most 
expert Surgeon in his specialty on the Pacific 
Coast. 

vol \<; MEN 
And MIDDLE-AGED MEN, who suffer from the 
effects of Youthful Indiscretions or Excesses in 
maturer years, Nervous and Physical Debility, 
loss of energy and memory, etc., remember I 
have a Vegetable Compound, the resultof many 
years of special practice, which under my special 
advice has never failed of success in the cure of 
weakness, kidney and bladder diseases, etc. 

Hospital Experience, 
(Having been Surgeon in two leading hospitals) 
enables me to treat all private troubles with ex- 
cellent results. I wish it distinctly understood 
that I do not claim to perform impossibilities. 
I claim only to be a skilful and sucessful Phy- 
sician and Surgeon, thoroughly informed in my 
specialty — 

Diseases of Man. 

All will receive my nonest opinion of their 
complaints— no experimenting. I will guarantee 
a positive cure in every case I undertake, or 
forfeit SI, 000. Consultation in office or by letter 
free and strictly private. Charges moderate. 
Call or address DR. ALLEN, 

26 1-2 Kearny street, San Francisco, Cal. 



To the Unfortunate I 

Dr Gibbon's Dispensary. 

/300 KEAR- 

O^O NY St 

San Francisco— Es- 
tablished In 1854 for 
the treatment and 
cure of Special Dis- 
eases, nervous and 
physical Debility, or 
diseases wearing on 
body and mind, per- 
manently CURED, 
The sick and afflict- 
r«l should not fail 
SSjto call upon him. 
53The Doctor has tra- 
veled extensively in"Europe, and Inspected 
thoroughly the hospitals there, obtaining a 
great deal of valuable information, which he 
is competent to Impart to those in need of 
hia services. The Doctor cures when other 
fail. Try him. DR. GIBBON will make no 
charge unless be effects a cure. Persons at a 
distance may be OTJRED AT HOME. All 
communications strictly confidential. Oharge 
resonable. Call or write. Address DR. J. 
F. GIBBON, Box 1957, San Francisco. Men- 
tion the WASP. 




THE 



WHITE HOUSE, 

Honolulu, H. I. 



Guests visiting the Islands can secure com- 
fortable Rooms, with or without Board, at 
Reasonable Figures. 



MRS. JAMES T. WHITE, 
Proprietress. 



Recommended by the Faculty' 

TARRANT'S 

COMPOUND EXTRACTS 

— op — 

Cubebs and Copaiba. 

This compound is 
superior to any pre- 
paration hitherto in- 
vented, combining in 
a very highly concen- 
trated state the med- 
ical properties of the 
Cubebs and Copaiba, 
One recommendation 
this preparation en- 
joys over all others 
is its neat, portable 
form, put up in pets; 
the mode in which it may be taken is both 
pleasant and convenient, being in the 
form ^ of a paste, tasteless and does not 
impair the digestion. Prepared only by 
TAKRANT & CO., 
Druggist and Chemists, 278 and 280 
Greenwich street, New York. 

For Sale By All Druggists. 




LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

ut MEAT. I-meut and oueapisat Meat Fla- 
vouring Stock for Soupa, Made DiBbea and 
Sauces. Annual Sale, 8,000,000 jars. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. An invaluable tonic. " la a 
success and a boon for which nations 
should feel grateful." — See "Medical 
Press, " " Lancet," &o. 

Genuine only with the fao-simile of Baron 
Liebig'a Signature in Blue Ink acrosB the 
Label. The title" Baron Liebig" and photo- 
graph having been largely u8ed by dealers 
with no connection with Baron Liebig, 
the public are informed that the Liebig 
Company alone enn offer the article with 
Baron Liebig'a guarantee of genuineness. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. To be had of all Storekeepers, 
GrocerB and ChemistB. Sole Agenta for the 
United States (wholesale only) 0. David & 
Oo.,9,Fenchurch Avenue, London, England. 

Sold wholesale by RICHARDS A 
HARRISON, Sun Francisco. 



OCEANIC STEAMSHIP CO. 

J. D. SPRECKELS & BBO'S, 
S3J Market Street, 

OWNERS OF 

Spreckels' Line of Packets. 

Paebages and Freight to Honolulu. 



DEALERS IN FURS. 

Alaska Commercial Co., 

310 Sansome Street, 

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. 



Wholesale 



THE SOUTH BRITISH AND 

NATIONAL INS. CO. 

W. J. CALLINGHAM & CO., 

No. 318 SANSOME ST.. SAN FRANOISQO 



A PRIZE.: 



Send six cents for post- 
age, and receive free, a 
costly box of goods which 
will help all.of either sex, 
to more money right away than anything else in 
this world. Fortunes await the workers abso- 
lutely sure. At once address True & Co., Au- 
gusta, Maine. 



SAN TIME LI 



Cures all recent and chronic urinary diseases. 
Directions in all languages. Sold by all Drug- 
gists at §1.00 a bottle, or sent by express on 
receipt of price, secure from observation. Fair- 
mount Chemical Co., Cincinnati, Ohio, U, 
S. A. 



14 



THE WASP. 



THE ABSENT LOVER. 



He says gond-bye to Matilda, 

And promises that she 
Shall light his every vision 

Beside the rolling sea. 

He promises a letter 

Shall reach her every night, 
Then down the road he wanders, 

And passes out of sight. 

He soon is at the ocean, 

And there meets many girls 
With brown and lilac optics, 

And black and golden curls. 

He takes them out a-riding, 

He takes them to the hops, 
And often in their honor 

Visits the candy-shops. 

With them he goes a-bathing 

Upon the shining strand, 
And then they sit and gossip 
* Upon the shelly sand. 

He takes them to the races, 

And on the horses bets, 
And writing not a letter, 

Matilda he forgets. 

And furious is Matilda, 

That paragon and pearl, 
To find that George comes homeward 

Engaged to another girl. — Puck. 



A very tender-hearted man in this city was about 
taking the temperance pledge, when some one 
whispered to him that if every one followed his 
example thousands of bar-keepers would be thrown 
out of employment. This was a picture of misery 
that he could not stand, and he dropped the pen 
and winked at the saloon-keeper. 



An Irish magistrate asked a prisoner if he was 
married. "No," replied the man. "Then," re- 
plied his worship, "it is a good thing for your 
wife. " 

Modjeska, it is said, will sit at a window and 
sketch clouds for hours. If Modjeska wants a big 
job in this line she ought to sit right down and 
sketch the political situation in this country. 

The man who said that "figures don't lie" didn't 
have a very good understanding of the resources 
and ability of the modern dressmaker. 

Young Allan Arthur sails under the nick-name 
of " Precious Thing " at Princton, all because his 
presidential father, in a speech at the college, said 
that he had shown how much he thought of Prince- 
ton " by leaving his son — the most precious thing 
he had in life — there. " 




" I owe my 

Restoration 

to Health 

and 'Beaut") 

r J$A io the 
S^D CUTICURA 
^REMEDIES." 



Testimonial of « 
Boston ludy. 



T)ISFIGURING Humors, Humiliating Eruptions, Itching Tort- 
-^ urea, Scrofula, Salt Rheum and Infantile Humors cured by 
the Cuticura Remedies. 

Cuticura Resolvent, the new blood purifier, cleanses the blood 
and perspiration of impurities and poisonous elements, and thus 
removes the Cause. 

Cuticura, the great Skin Cure, instantly allays Itching and In- 
flammation, clears the Skin and Scalp, heals Ulcers and Sores, and 
restores the Hair. 

Cuticura Soap, an etquisite Skin Beautifler and Toilet Requi- 
site, prepared from Cuticura, is indispensable in treating Skin 
Diseases, Baby Humors, Skin Blemishes, Chapped and Oily 
Skin. 

Cuticura Remedies are absolutely pure and the only infallible 
Blood Purifiers and Skin Beautifiers. 

Sold everywhere. Price— Cuticura, 50 cents ; Soap, 25 cents ; 
Resolvent, §1. Prepared by Potter Drug and Chemical Co., 
Boston, Mass. 



THE NARROW GUAGE, 



The daughters of Longfellow, while the guests of 
Mrs. Ole Bull in Norway this summer, will take a 
trip to see the midnight sun. What a strange 
place Norway must be ! In this country the girls 
do not have to take any trip to see the midnight 
son. The midnight son generally takes the trip to 
see them. — Yonkers Statesman. 



Jones : I have just found out something that is 
of decided importance to your peace of mind. 

Smith : Go on ; tell me the worst. 

Jones : You know that young man next door 
to you, who plays the accordion ? 

Smith : I should say so ; the 

Jones : Well, a musical friend of mine told me 
that that fellow had actually contracted with a 
hack-worm composer to arrange some Wagner se- 
lections for the accordion, and the things are 
nearly ready. 

Smith : Thank fortune for that. Oh ! how 
grateful I feel. 

Jones: Grateful? Great St. Beethoven ! What 
are you grateful about ? 

Smith : It will burst the accordion. — Philadel 
phia Call. 



There is only a slight difference between a swell 
thief and a saucy artist. One is a dude robber and 
the other a rude dauber. — Fall River Advance. 



"There is this difference between us," said the 
needy tramp, looking the editor full in the eye : 
" You fill a long felt want, and I want a long-felt 
fill." 

The editor wept, and, with many a muffled blow, 
hewed off a fragment of a wedding cake that had 
been sent in with the notice and handed it to the 
wanderer. " Fill up on that," he said, " and you 
will feel it long after all trivial fond records have 
been wiped away from the subtraction table of 
your memory." — Burlington Hawkeye. 



Two creatures sat in front of me on a street-car 
and giggled and pushed each other in the sides 
until I began to wonder what portion of ray ap- 
parel I had left off, for a fool can worry anybody 
who has sense. These chaps kept this up until I 
was on the eve of leaving the car, when I at last 
discovered what it was that delighted them. One 
of them had just read an item in the paper about 
a girl who had been poisoned by eating ice-cream. 
From a further conversation overheard I learned 
that they had engagements with two young ladies 
to take them to an ice-cream festival, and they 
were en route to their affinities expecting to deter 
them from going by the news in the item which 
had so delighted them. — Chicago Evening Mail. 



In a Paris counting-room. 

Employer : You wanted to speak to me ? 

Clerk : Yes, sir. 

Employer : What is it 1 

Clerk : I wish to submit to your sense of jus- 
tice a claim that I am sure you cannot help but 
recognize. 

Employer : Go on ; I listen. 

Clerk : Nothing is more obvious. I perform 

exactly the same duties as Z and I receive 

thirty francs less than he does. Is this just ? 

Employer : No, my dear fellow, it is not. You 

are right. From this day Z 'b salary shall be 

cut down thirty francs. 



The fast young men of Paris are enjoying them- 
selves at a new game, the invention of that amia- 
ble genius, the Duke de Morny. The Duke, it will 
be remembered, invented the modest and ladylike 
male ballet troupe ; but this last effort shows that 
his invention had not then reached its zenith. 
The sport in question is a stolen supper. The host 
invites his friend to a swell restaurant, where a 
private supper room, lights, waiters and all but the 
food is provided — that must be stolen by the guests 
on their way to the rendezvous. Of course the 
supply of the table is obtained at the cost of thrill- 
ing experiences, which afford the topics of the 
evening. Thus far the suppers have been a com- 
plete success. The Duke de Morny seems to be 
doing a really valuable thing in providing his 
friends with an education that will stand them in 
good stead when they have run through their 
money. — N. Y. Star. 



JfW CEUBRATEO n^ 







To the needs of the tourist, 
commercial traveler and new 
settler, Hostetter's Stomach 
Bitters is peculiarly adapted, 
since it strengthens the di- 
gestive organs and braces the 
physical energies to unhealth- 
ful influences. It removes 
and prevents malarial fever, 
constipation, dyspepsia, 
healthfully stimulates the 
kidneys and bladder, and en- 
riches as well as purifies the 
blood. When overcome by 
fatigue, whether mental or 
physical, the weary and de- 
bilitated find it a reliable 
source of renewed strength 
and comfort. 

For sale by all Druggists 
and Dealers generally. 




Strongest, Purest, Best and Most Econom- 
ical in the Market. 

Never Varies in Quality. 

Recommended to CONSUMERS by leading: Physi- 
cians, Chemists and members of the San 
Francisco Board of Health. 

FREPARED BY THE 

BOTHIN MANUFACTURING COMPANY, 

San Francisco and Sacramento. 



30 DAYS' TRIAL 

m f dr. f m t 

|% IDYE'SIM 

(BEFORE.) (AFTER.) 

ELECTRO-VOLTAIC BELT and other Electric 
Appliances are sent on 30 Days' Trial TO 
MEN ONLY, YOUNG OR OLD, who are suffer- 
ing from Nervous Debility, Lost Vitality, 
Wasting Weakni^ssfs, and all those diseases of a 
Personal Nature, resulting from Abuses and 
Other Causes. Speedy relief and complete 
restoration to Health. Vigor and Manhood 
Guaranteed. Send at once for Illustrated 
Pamphlet free. Address 

Voltaic Belt Co., Marshall, Mich, 



30 DAYS TRIAL. 






'■>\ r Tv^ 



To Young, old, rich or poor, 
both sexes,— stop drugging, 
and cure yourself with DR. 
HORNE'S (New Improved) 
Electric Belt. Electricity Is 
Life, and a lack of it Is DiB- 
easeand Death. Thousands 
testify to Its priceless -value. 
f 80.000 cures reported In 1883, 
Whole family can wear same Belt. Cures without medi- 
cine. Pains in the Back, Hips, Head or Limbs, Nervous 
Debility, Lumbago, General Debility, Khenmatism, Par- 
alysis, Neuralgia, Sciatica, Disease of Kidneys, Spinal 
Diseases, Torpid Liver, Gout, Asthma, Heart Disease, 
Dyspepsia, Constipation, Erysipelas, Indigestion, Rup- 
tiire. Catarrh, Piles. Kptb-psv. Anne, Diabetes. Send stamp 

for Pamphlet, w. J. HOKwE, 702 Market St., San Fran- 
cisco, Cal, Inventor, Proprietor and Manufacturer. 



WEAK, UNDEVELOPED PARTS 


OF THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED, 


STRENGTHENED, Etc., ia an intereotiDR advertiseniCDt 


luriR run in our paper. In reply to inquiries, wc will aay that 


there is no evi&encfl rifhumbuc about this. On the contrary. 


the advertisers are very highly indorsed. Interested persona 


rijuv ;>.;t ei-al-.l <-ir"i]l.ira civi np, all r>an i>' u 1 nrs , t.v addressing 


Krir MRDICAL Ro., Buffalo, N. Y.— Toledo Evening Bee. 






-itively cured in 60 days by 
, '. .Jlornc'it Eleclro-Muiriietie 
BuIt-TrupH, combined. Guaran- 
teed the only one in the world 
ff£C* generating a continuous Elrctricdt Mag- 
' netic Current. Scientific, Powerful, Durable, 
Comfortable and Effective in curing Rup. 
ture. Price liedtiet'.l. ".(lOoure.din ISH. Send for pumphlet 

ei*ectj:o-ma<;nktic truss < OiHpaot. 

70SS Makkkt Street, Sxn Ekancisco. 



WEAR OUT 



QS^l ^\ h y watchmakers. By mail 25c. Circulars 
OULU iree, J. s, Biboh & Co.. as Dey St.. N. X 



THE WASP. 



15 



PACIFIC COAST 
STEAMSHIP COMPANY. 



Steamers of this Company will 
wi from Broadway Whnrf, San 
'Francisco, forportain California, 
'Oregon, Washington and Idaho 
territories, British Columbia and Alaska, as fol 
lows : 

California Southern C'onHt Bontr. 
8loamers will sail about every secend day A. M. 
for the following port-) (excepting San Diego, 
every fifth day), viz: Santa Cruz, Monterey, 
San Simeon, Cayuros, Port Harford, San Luis 
Obispo, Qaviota, Santa Bar'nr , en turn, Hue- 
neme, S n Pedro Los Angeles a\d San Diego. 

British 4 olumlilii and iti-Ka Route. 
— Steamship IDAHO, carrying I". S. Mails, Bailh 
from Portland, Oregon, in or shout the Sth of 
each month, for Port Townsend. W, T., Vict iria. 
and Nanaimo, B. C, Fort Wnngel, Sitka and 
Harrisburg, \laska, connectini: \t Port Town- 
send with Victoria and Paget md. Steamer 
tearing San Francisco on or about tbo 1st of 
the some month. 

Victoria and Puget Sound iconic 
The jteamers QUEEN OF PACIFIC md MEX- 
ICO, carrying Her Britanic Majesty's and 
United States mails, sail from Broadway Wharf, 
Son Francisco, at 10 a. m., on July -id, 10th, 
18th, 2bth and Aug. 3d, and every eighth day 
there if tcr for Victoria, B. C, Port Townsend, 
Seattle, Tacoma, Steila :oom and Olympia, mak- 
ing close ;onnection with tteamboats, etc., for 
8kagit River and Cassiar Mines, Nanaimo, New 
Westminster, Yale, Sitka and all other impor- 
tant points. Returning, leave Seattle and Port 
Townsend on July '2d, 10th, ISth, 27th, and 
every ei.'hth day thereafter, and Victoria at 
12 M. on July 3d, 11th, 19th, 28th, and every 
eighth day thereafter. 

Portland, Oregon, Route.— The Oregon 
Railway and Navigation Company and the Pa- 
cific Coast Steamship Company dispatch from 
Spear Street Wharf one of the steamships 
STATE OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON or CO- 
LUMBIA, carrying the United States Mail. 
Sailing days— July 3d, tf'.h, 13th, 18th, 23d, 
28th and Au-ti^t 2d, and every following fifth 
day for Portland ind Astoria, Oregon. 

Eureka and Humboldt Bay Route.— 

Steamer CITY OF CHESTER sails from San 
Francisco for Eureka, Areata, Hookton (Hum- 
bolt Bay) every Wednesday at 8 a. m. 

Point Arena and Mendocino Route.— 

Steamer YAQUINA sails from Broadway 
Wharf, San Francisco, at 3 P. M. every Mondaj 
for Point Arenas, Cuffey's Cove, Little River 
and Mendocino. 

TICKET OFFICE, 914 Montgomery St. 

(Opposite the Russ House) 

G00DALL, PERKINS & CO,, General Agents 
No. 10 Market St., San Francisco. 



The Great Burlington Route 

CHICAGO, BURLINGTON & 
QUINCY RAILROAD. 

EASTWARD. 



Is Thh Old Favorite and Principal 
Line From 

omaha, kansas city, atchison 

and ST. JOSEPH 

For CHICAGO, 

ST. LOUIS, 

MILWAUKEE, 

Detroit, Niagara Falls, 

NEW YORK, BOSTON, 

And all points East and Southeast. 

THE LINE COMPKISES nearly 4,000 
miles. Solid, Smooth Steel Track. All 
connections are made in UNION DE- 
POTS. It has a National Reputation as 
being THE GREAT THROUGH CAR- 
LINE and is universally conceded to be 
the FINEST EQUIPPED railroad in the 
World for all classes of traveL 

Try it, and you will find traveling a 
luxury instead of a discomfort. 

Through Tickets via this celebrated line 
for sale at all offices in the West. 

All information about Rates of Fare, 
Sleeping - Car Accommodations, Time 
Tables, etc., will be cheerfully given by 
applying to 

PERCEVAL LOWELL, 
Gen'l Passenger Agt., Chicago, Illa> 

T. J. POTTER, 

Gen'l Manager, Chicago. Ills. 



8iQfl A. M., daily, Alvarado, Newark, 
■ OU terrttle, Alviso, Santa Clara, 



He, 



SOUTH PACIFIC COAST 
RAILROAD. 

Passenger Trains lofty* Station, fcot of Market 
Street, South SiJl- at 

Cen- 
SAN 
JOSE, Los Oatos, Wrights, Glenwood, Felton, 
Big Treen, SANTA CRUZ and all Way Stations. 

2,Qfl P. M. (except Sunday), Express: 1 
■ OU Eden, Alvarado, Newark, Centervi 
Alviso, Agnews, Santa Clara, SAN JOSE, i 
Gatos and all station to SANTA CIU'Z. 

4 § Of| P- M-, daily, for SAN JOSE, Los Gatos 
■ OU and intermediate points. SATUR- 
DAYS and SUNDAYS to SANTA CRUZ. 

dJC EXCURSIONS TO SANTA CRUZ AND 
U>U JH'i.50 to SAN JOSE, on SATURDAYS 
and SUNDAYS, to return until MONDAY, in- 
clusive. 

8, Art A. M., every Sunday, excursion to 
• UU-SAN JOSE, BIG TREES and SANTA 
CRUZ. 

(TJQ to BIG TREES and SANTA CRI Z. 

to SANTA CLARA and SAN JOSE. 



81.75 



TO OAKLAND AND ALAMEDA. 

86.00, §6.30, §7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 
10.00, 10.30, 11 00, 11.30 A. M. 1:12.00, 12.30, 
^11 00, 1.30, "12.00, 2.80, 3.00, 8.30, 4 00, 4.30, 5.00 
6.30, 00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 8.30, 10.45, 11.45 P.M. 

From Fonrti*en(ti nml Webster streets. 
Oakland- $5.30, §0.00. §6.30, 7.00, 7.30,8.00, 
8.30. 9.00, 9.30, 10.00, 10.30, tH-00, 11 30 A. M. 
112.00, 12.30, *]1.0o, 1.30, 2 00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 
4.00, 4.3", 5.00, 5.30, 0.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 9.30, 
10.45, 11.45 P. M. 

From IIIkIi »treel, Alniucdn- §5.10, §6.46, 
fcO.10, 6'6, 7.16, 7.46, 8.10, 8.46. 9 16. 9.46, 
10.10. 1110.46, 11.16, 1111.40 A. M. 12 16, 112.46, 
1.16, 1 46, 2.16, 2.46, 3.16, 3,46, 4 16, 4.40, 6.10, 
6.40, 6.16, 6.40, 7 16, 9.16, 11.31 P M. 

§ Sundays excepted. 

1 Saturdays aud Sundays only. 

TICKET, Telegraph and Transfer offices 223 
Montgomery street, S. F. 



FILLMORE, 

Superintendent. 



M. OARRATT, 
G. F. & P. Art. 



T D. licit A V, General Agent 

Hanibal and St. Joseph and 

Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroads, 

32 Montgomery Street. ' 



The Cocoa Crop is Short. 



Look Out for Adulterations. 



By Using 

WALTER BAKER & GO'S 

Chocolate 

You will be Sure of Secur- 
ing the Best. 

U.U, T. COLEMAN it CO. 

Sole Agents' 




GREAT ENGLISH 
REMEDY 

Is a certain cure for 
Nervous Debility, 
Lost Vitality, and 
all the evil effects of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. 
DR. MINTIE.who 
a regular physi- 
cian, graduate ol 
the University of 
Pennsylvania, will agree to forfeit Fivb Hun- 
dred Dollaps for a case of the kind the VITAL 
RESTORATIVE (under his special advice «nd 
treatment) will not cure. Price §1.50 a bottle ; 
four times the quantity, $5 > ent to any address, 
Confidentially, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D., No. 
11 Kearny street, S. F. Send for pamphlet. 

S MPLE BOTTLE, FREE, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating symptoms, sex 
and age, Strict secrecy in all transactions. 



THE AMERICAN 

SUGAR REFINERY, 

San Francisco. 

Manufacturers or nil classes of Refined 

Sugars. Including Loaf Sugar 

for Export. 

C. ADOLPHE LOW & CO., 

AGENT8. 
Ofilce, 308 California St. 



D^HOMASHALUS BILLIARDS. 







ABSOLUTELY PURE 

A delightful appetizer, giving tone and strength 
to the stomach, and as a tonic beverage it has no 
equal; will cure Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Fever 
and Ague, Biliousness, General Debility and 
kindred diseases. 

This tonic is most beneficial in its results ; it 
braces the system, creates an appetite, and de- 
stroys that wretched feeling of ennui which we 
constantly labor under in this enervating climate. 
The tonic for its medieul qualities excels anv 
other ever offered to the public, having taken the 
first premium at the fairs of Sacramento, San 
Jobs, Stockton, Oakland and San Francisco for 
absolute purity, made from pure California Port 
Wine, Wine of P psin and Elixir Calisaya. 

£3TForsale everywhere throughout the State. 
Depot at J AMES H. GATES' drug store, cor. New 
Montgomery and Howard streets. San Franciscn. 




inc. I II i:i*. v 

WONDERFUL 

GERMAN 
INVIGORATOR, 

The greafce t remedy 
for the cure of Nervous 
and Physical Debility, 
Vital Exhaustion, 
Weakness, l oss of Vi- 
tality, and all the re- 
sults of i discretions, etc. The German Treat- 
ment prevents permaneUIy all unnatural losses 
from the system. 

The Doctor, a regular college physician from 
Europe, will agree to forfeit SI, 000 for a case un- 
dertaken not cured. The reason thousands can 
not get cured of Weakness, Lost Vitality, and 
the above Diseases is owing to a completion 
called PROSTATORRHEA, with Hyperesthesia 
which requires Bpecial treatment. 

DR. LIEBIG'S INVIGORATOR No. 2 is the 
only POSITIVE CURE for PROSrATORKIIEA 
Price of either Invigorator 82; case of six bot- 
tle, 810. 

DR. LIEBIG & CO., for the past seventeen 
years have made an exclusive specialty of Dis- 
eases of Men. Disease, however induced, speed- 
ily, thoroughly and permanently cured, recent 
cases in a few days; inveterate cases skillfully 
treated; chajges moderate. 

If pimples appear on the face, if you become 
listless and despondent look out for the compli- 
cation with Vital Weakness and loss of Vitality 
known as Prostatorrhea. Hundreds of lives 
have been lost for the want of proper treatment 
for this complication, and thousands have lost 
all their property and pleasure in life irom its 
effects. A perfect and permanent care will be 
guaranteed in any case undertaken, under our 
special advice and treatment. 

Call or address DR. LIEBIG & CO., 400 
Geary street, San Francisco. Private en- 
trance, 406 Mason street, four biocke up 
Geary street from Kearny. 
Most Powerful Electric Belts free to patients. 
t3T To prove the wonderful power of the IN- 
VIGORATORS a 82 bottle given free. 

Consultation, advice and examination free and 
private. 



J. D. SPREGKELS & BROS., 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants. 



AGENTS FOR 

Spreckels' Line of Hawaiian Packets. 
S. S. Hepwortu's Centrifugal Ma- 
chines, Deed's Patent Pipe 
and ..oiler Covering. 

No. 327 Market Street, 

Corner Fremont SAN FRANCISCO 



P. LIESENFELD. Manufacturer, 

ESTABLISHED 1859. 

SOLS AOR.VTS FOR T11H ONLY GK.VI'INR 

Patent Steel Plate Cushion, 

Guaranteed for Ten Tears. 

The Most Elegant Stock or Billiard and 

Pool Tables on the Pacific Coast. 

945 Folsom Street, 

NEAR SIXTH. 

Prices 20 per cent. Lower than any 
oilier llouse on the Coast. 

*3T SEND FOR A CATALOGUE, "ffi* 




1ST Curbs with 

UNFAILING OlE* 

taintt Nprvoua 
and Physical De 
bility, Vital Ex- 
haustion, Weak* 
ness, Loss of Vi- 
tality, and all the 
X\^UF''Ji3' Tjin terrible resuItB of 

y^mmWM =r?t. ln p d ri: 
H LilijvE rMlUII rS'SESE* 

drains upon the 

the system. J- bum \.u m mans Guaranteed. 

I rice S2.50 per b< ttle, or five bottles 810.00. 

To be had only of DR. C. D. SALFIELD, 316 

Kearny street, r an Francisco. 

TRIAL BOTTLE FREE, 
Pufficimt to show its merit, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating his symptoms and 
age.. Communications strictly confidential. 



WILT IAMS, DIMOK D & CO, 

SHIPPING AND 

Commission Merchants, 

UNION BLOCK, 
Junction Market and Pine Streets, 

SAN FRANCISCO, 



AGENTS FOR PACIFIC MAIX 9, g.- 
Co.; the Pacific Steam Navigation Co.; the* 
Cunard Royal Mail S. S. Co.; the Hawaiian Line; 
the China Traders' Insurance Co. (Limited); the 
Marine Insurance Co. of London ; the Baldwin 
Locomotive Works; the Glasgow Iron Co. ; Nich, 
Ashton & Son's Salt. 



Opera Glasses 

THE LATEST JUST RECEIVED. 



Only Pebble Estab'm't. 




Orders by Mall or Express Promptly 
Attended to. 

Compound Astigmatic Lenses 

Mounted to order at wo hours notice. 

The Moat Complicated Caes of Defective Vision 
thoroughly Diagnosed FREE OF CHARGE. 



^ .I, 




D. W. LAIRD, San Francisco Jewelry Manufactory, 27 



POST ST. 

MM Hill- 1803.) 



ESTABLISHED 1858. 

W. K.VANDERSLICE&CO. 

iiuhuiikim: 

Jewelers and 
Silversmiths, 

136 SUTTER ST. 

Howard, "Waltham & Elgin 

WATCHES. 

DIAMONDS. 

Ordent by Mull will receive Prompt 

and Careful Attention, < I> neul 

lo any pari or Hie Mate or 
Territories 




Optical Institute, 427 Kearny 

$2, S2.50 AND S3 

Buys the Finest Spectacles in ex- 
istence; $1, 50c. and 25c. those 
of lower grade. ADJUsnxo'Spec- 
tacles to suit the various condi- 
tion - of the sight a specialty. No, 
other optician has o can get such 
facilitiesas are to be foundat thi: 
ustalilishuient, because ihe in 
strument used for measuring tht 
strength of the eye is my own invention and 
patent, and is the only one ever invented that 
will give the exact amount of imperfection in 
one'B sight. Beware of impostors, who tell you 
or their long experience, that they make lenses, 
etc., as the Optical Inotitctk is the only place 
on this coast where lenses arc ground to order. 
L. A. BERTLING, Scientific Optician. 
427 Kearny St. (successor to Bertling& Watry) 




Cut this Out and Keep It for Ref< 




WEARING the DUPLEX GALVANIC BELT 
The unparalleled success of this medical belt 
in the cure of Nervous Weakness and Prostra- 
tion, lmpotency. Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Dys- 
pepsia, Constipation and all Liver and Kidney 
Diseases, is attested by thousand who have been 
cured by it. It is not the only Galvanic Belt in 
the market, but it is the only one that ever re- 
ceived a silver medal as a premium. It is uni- 
versally acknowledged to be tub best m tub 
world. It is adapted to self-treatment and cure 
at home. Full instructions go with every belt. 
Pri<eof belt, complete, either male or female, 
$10. Sent prepaid to any address for CASH, 
or by express CO. D. 

Address DUPLEX (.UVAM( CO., 113 
Kcnrny St., San Francisco, Cal. 



FIRE. MARINE. 

The Largest Pacific Coast Insurance Co. 



OF CALIFORNIA^ 

198ETS »1, 500,000 

Home Office : S. W. cor. Cal. i- Sansome. 
8A\ FRANCISCO, . CAE» 

D. J. Staplks, Proa. Alpubcb Bull, Vice-Pros. 

Wu. J. DUTTON, SoC. E.W. CARPHNTBR.Ami'tSeC. 



0. L HUTCHINSON. H. B. MANN. 

Hutchinson & Mann, 

INSUHANCB AGENCY, 
V I . lur. California and Miusmar Sis. 

UASB ASSETS REPRESENTED. (23,613,618 
W. L. coalmen, Z. P. Clark, Bpeclal Agents 
aud Adjusters, Oapt. A. M. burna, Marine 
^nrveyor. 



THE UNIVERSAL 

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIA- 
TION of California for 
Unmarried Persons. 

OFFICE, 1038 MISSION ST. 



t^~SEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUES and LISTS 



MODEL MUSIC QTORE 
dst IwIarked Success. 



HAZELTON PIANOS. 

Unequalled for Tone and Brilliancy. 

BENHAM PIANOS, HOME MANUFACTURE. 

First-Class and Medium Price. 



MARKET s i" l S: 



Chas. 
A. M. 



S. Eaton 
Benham 



ife BEST EDITIONS SHEET MUSIC 10 CTS. A COPY. 



USE 
Dr. 




BITTERS 



HENLEY'S 

The Creat Tonic of the Nineteenth Century. 



OVERLAND SHORT LINE 

General Ticket OlUee, 2 NEW MONTGOMERY ST., in Palace Hotel, 

CHICAGO & NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY 

NOT ONLY THE PIONEER LINE 

But Acknowledged to be the 
VERY BEST LINE ON THE CONTINENT. 

■I. «■ DA VIES. General Agent. 



" THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST." 

Total Ikobbase ovkr Thirteen Millions. 

sl'rrlos ah0vk ll aiulitikb over ten millions. 

Bui your Insurance in the 

N. Y. LIFE INSURAECE CO. 

Total Assets, - $35, 54?, 902.73 
Total Increase, $i3 > 4H.l...r,<».<Hi 

Those wishing a safe and secure Life Policy, at 
liberal terms, can apply to A. <i. IIAM'I'X, 
Manager for Pacific Coast, 220 Sansome St., S.F. 




PHOTOGRAPHER . 

8 Montgomery Street, San Francisco* 



J. E. Kuggles, 

F. W. Van Sicklen. 



H. L. Dodge, 
L H. Sweeney, 

DODGE, SWEENEY & CO., 

Wholesale Provision Dealers and 
< oiiiniission Merchants, 

114-116 MARKET & 11-13 CALIFORNIA, 

Sole Agents for "Libby, McNeill & Libby'9 

Canned Meats," "H. M. Dupec's Chicago Hams." 

1*. O. Box 18*8. 

W. T. COLEMAN & CO , 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants, 

S. E. Cor. Market and Main streets, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



I C H I BAN 



SEE ADVERTISEMENT ON DRAMATIC PAGE. 



STEINWAY PIA.ISTOS. 

Exclusively used by PATH, GEISTER and DOTTI. 
MATTHIAS GRAT. Sole Agent, 206 POST ST., S. F. 



SELBY SMELTING AND LEAD COMPANY, 

416 Montgomery Street, - - - - - - - San Francisco 

Goltl and Silver Refinery and Assay Olllec. 
Highest Prices Paid for Gold, Silver and Lead Ores and Sulphurets. Manufacturers of BLUE- 
STONE. Also, Lead Pipe, Sheet Lead, Shot, etc. This Company has the best facilities on the 
Coast for working GOLD, SILVER and LEAD in their various forms. 

PRENTISS SELBY, Superintendent. 



W. G. Badger, 

SOLE AGENTS FOR" 

HALLET, DAVIS & CO'S 

CELEBRATED 

pi^istos, 

Geo. Woods & Co's Parlor and Vestry Organs, 

No. l:t SnliHiime Sir-eel. I*. F. 

BEFORE BUYING YOUR 

SAFE 

Call and see our large stock. 
Second-hand Safes always 
on hand. Safea »old on the 
Installment Plan. 

Halls Safe and Lock Co., 

'.'II A 813 4 II IMtlCM V ST., S.F. 




GEORGE MORROW & CO-, 

Established 1864. 

Hay, Grain & Commission 

Merchants. 

SDIPPING ORDERS A SPECIALTY. 

39 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

A REVOLUTION 

IN THE 

TREATMENT OF DISEASE. 

MAGNETIC SHIELDS, 

The Great Curative Agent of 

our Times. 

RHEUMATISM, NEURALGIA 
and DYSPEPSIA cannot 
exist where these Shields are 
worn. Nothing in the history 
of our world equals the wonder- 
ful cures wrought by wearing 
our Ylngrjicttc Shield-. A 
single pair of our 

FOOT BATTERIES 
will convince any skeptic of the 
truth of what \va say. Try a 
pair. Price $1, by mail, to any 
address. Send forour new book, 
"A Plain Road to Health." Free 

Chicago & San Francisco 

Magnetic Shield Co. 

106 post street, 

San Francisco, Cal. 




Try Crittenden's 

DYSPEPSIA BITTERS. 

Ofpice and Depot : 
1735 & 1737 MARKET ST. 

P. Dauschcr & Co., Proprietors. 

E. H. Crittenden & Chas. P. Fulton, Managers. 



L. D. STONE & CO., 

(Successors to R. Stone,) 

MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF 

Harness, Saddles.Saddlery.Hard- 

ware, Collars, Whips, Ropes, 

Horse Blankets, 

And all kinds of Harness & Patent Leathers, 
433 A 431 Battery Street, 

Cor. Washington, San Francisco. 



S. W. RAVELEY, 

Book and Job Printer, 

518 CLAY STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery & Sansome, San Francisco. 

BETTER THAN GOLD. 




r&j. 



Budweiser ° n oW The Louvre, 



JULIUS GRUEN, Proprietor, 
Phelan Block, cor. Dupont St. 



Ag fo n r ,s ARION 



and other 
Reliable 
Makes of 



PIANO. 



You can save 25 per 

cent, by buying 

your Piano of 



E. DUNN & CO. ^artrs.. 



MORAftHAW',^ ERQZEbI OYSTERS. 75c. Der Can. 68 & 69 California Market 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES. K - E - c SSd B 2?KB?SS liE,nr 



WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY, 

COS. FOURTH •£ KIEV I XT STS., S. F., 
Manufacturers of and Dealers in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A Large Assortment Constantly on 
lland and Made to Order. 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 
Guaranteed. 



Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon, 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, San Francisco. 
Fresli Bread delivered every day and cakes 
made to Order. Sole agent for RUSSIAN 
OAVIAE and "WESTPHALIA HAMS. Ger- 
man Sausages. A. REUSCHE. 



KOHLER & VAN BERGEN. 

FINE 

Old Table, 

WINES. 

SCINFANDEL, 

CLARETS, 
HOCUS. 
PORTS. 

SIlEIEKIES.EIr 

VAULTS : 
417, .419 Mont'ery 

Branch : "V 

987 to 993 Market "V 

UNDER GRAND , A J M H H 
CENTRAL MARKET. 

Growers and Dealers in 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 
PRINCIPAL OFFICE: 

AI7 AIQ Montgomery St , 

"■ ■ J ^IW SAN FRANCISCO. 




Veuve Clicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

QUARTS AND PINTB. 

A. VIGNIErVSole Agent, 

439 .1 431 1EATTE1ET ST., S. F. 

DR. HENLEY'S 



CELERY 



He drearest 
Herrine 

fiiowa. 



BEEF 

■a.3 

IRON 



(LleDlg's Extract), 

tie Wonaerfal Nutritive 

anl umuoratM. 



■ (PyroiuosjlatB), 

Ionic loi tie Blood, and 

Food lor tie Brain. 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERY, lately pre- 
pared and sold in Portland, Or., has been exten- 
sively used in that loealitv and performed many 
astonishing cures. As a NERVINE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEF and IRON has shown to possess wonderful 
power to build. up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to both mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in cases of GENERAL- DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA", LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared anil Sold by 

TUTHILL, COX & CO., 

637 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum 8 Anatomy 

751 Market St. 

GO AND LEARN HOW TO 
; avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
fully you are made. 
Private Office, 211 Geary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



JOHN WIELAND, 

Proprietor, 

Second St., nr. Folsom, S.F. 



CAN FRANCISCO 

Capital Stock, 



>200,000. 



OUR LAGER BEER IS 
BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAR 
RANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANY CLIMATE. 




REWERY, 

Corner of Powell 

AND — 

Francisco Streets 

Tele phone 9012. 

Ale and Porter 

IN BULK OR BOTTLE. 

Superior to any 

ON THE 

Pacific Coast. 

RUDOLPH MOHE, Secretary 



"JESSE MOORE 

WHISKEY." 

Superior in 

QUALITY 




II. Moore, 

O F 

JESSE MOORE 4 Co 
Louisville, Ky. 

H. IE. Hull), 

San Francisco. 



J. GUNDLACH & CO. 




RIPE OLD WINES. 

(UNSURPASSED— DELICIOUS FLAVOR.) 

"Wine Vaults: Market & Second,. S.F. 




THE GENUINE 

KRUG 



FROM FRANCE, 

' /^>Vv/ SOLD 
IN QUARTS /^^^Xbyall 

y A ^ / DEALERS, 
JOBBERS 
«J? """■" < 10 GROCERS. 



AND 

PINTS, 



The Favorite of Real 
Connoisseurs. 




For Sale 

al all 



H. Clausen & Son Brewing Co. 
EXPORT CHAMPAGNE 

Lager Beer! 

BOTTLED BY THE 
FIHENIY BOTTLING CO., NEW YORK. 

Pure, Bright and Sparkling, and RECOM-, 
MENDED BY LEADING PHYSICIANS as Best 
Beer for Family Use. 

ALFRED GREENEBAUM&CO. 

Sole Alien is Pacific Coast. 
123 CALIFORNIA STREET, S. F. 

For Sale Everywhere. 



-FC" I D GLOVE R 

AL WAY'S 
__ .. GIVE 

v t SATIS- 
T^jC" FACTION 

FACTORY .' No. 119 1HIPONT STREET, 

Bet. Geary and Post, San Francisco. 




PREBLE'S 

OREGON CIDER. 

(In Cases and Barbels.) 
Warranted to Keep in any Climate. 

CAL. AND OREGON CIDER CO., 
21S DAVIS STREET, S. F. 




SOLD BY 
DRUGGISTS 

AND 

GROCERS 

EVERYWHERE. 

Every Bottle 
Guaranteed. 




TRADE 



QT A ATT. APT. T T? A TUPD "DIPT TTTvTrL A. O. nnnif ja ron 




SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, JULY 26, 1884. 




ON THE WAR-PATH. 



SCHMIDT LABELS LITHD.CO, SAN FRANCISCO. 



THE WASP. 



PLAYING CHESS. 



We sat last night a long while vis-a-vis, 

We idly played a game of chess. 
Her thoughts were absent, it was' plain to see, 

Nor did her lips one word expresB. 

Her timid glance no longer my eyes sought, 

While still she smiled, so sweet, so sweet ! 
And I — I rashly moved my men about, 

Nor recked of triumph or defeat. 

And I — I would have played there yet, I would ! 

My interest could not abate, 
But suddenly, where late my bishop stood, 

Sat Cupid crying out : " Check-mate ! " 

— Translated from tlie German by E. F. Dawson. 



SOCIETY NOTES, 



The engagement is announced of Miss Antiquie Wallflower to Cadet 
Pownie Phluff, of the Eleventy-Twoth Foot Cavalry. Miss Wallflower has 
had a great many suitors, many of whom are still living. 

The past week has been signalized by unusual gaiety : four weddings in 
high life, a reception by the Amalgamated Association of Undertakers, the 
funeral of old Gumdoozle — who left his entire property to an orphan asylum 
to which his daughters have since been admitted — and several murders. 

Colonel and Mrs. Colonel Impycu have been compelled by the pressure 
of social engagements to abandon their design of making the tour of the 
world, and will go to Alameda. 

An effort is making to abolish Sunday burials, but no really genteel per- 
son will give it support. Sunday is the only day that the lower classes have 
for recreation. Consideration for the poor is not inconsistent with good 
breeding. 

Miss Althea Hill is summering in Judge Sullivan's court. 

Mrs. Judge of the Superior Court, Department Thirteen, Smith is reg- 
istered at the International Hotel. 

Our eminent townsman, Snatchgobble Grabb, Esquire, is mentioned in 
the dispatches as being prominently spoken of in New York for Mayor of 
Oakland. No more fit choice could have been made : Mrs. Grabb's dia- 
monds have long been the envy and despair of every burglar in the land, 
and she is not too proud to wear them at breakfast. Such condescension 
will win her distinguished husband many votes among the working classes. 

It is whispered that Mr. Charles Augustus Montmorenci de Howard 
Higgins, now in England, has found among the archives of the Tower of 
London documents of great antiquity, proving him to be a lineal descendant 
of William the Conqueror. If William could only have known this it would 
have soothed his last moments like everything. 

The Degoolys have shut up their house and gone into the kitchen cellar. 
They will return home on the first of September. 

On Wednesday evening next there will be a meeting of the Snob Hill 
Literary Circle at the residence of Mrs. Goldwash. The principal subject 
for discussion will be the relative merits of Dickens and Thackeray. Lord 
George Clanroyal, an intimate friend of the fair hostess, has kindly con- 
sented to be present and report it for the London Times. 

It is not now fashionable to clean the nails when going into a room fur- 
nished in ebony or any very dark wood. Everything should correspond. 

An unmanly attack on San Francisco Bociety, which appeared in the cor- 
respondence of an Eastern newspaper, has caused a great deal of indigna- 
tion, and the husband of one of the ladies impertinently criticised says that 
all he wants is to find out who is the writer. He is easily satisfied. 

The ship Glory of the Ocean arrived last Tuesday from Boston with a 
'cargo of chaperones. Some of them died in rounding the Horn, but most of 
those remaining are in prime condition and apparently remarkably vigi- 
lant. 

The fashion in poodles has not much altered since our last report : they 
are commonly worn clean-shaven, at the end of a silken cord so colored as 
to match the wearer's costume at one end and the dog's at the other. Some 
beautiful designs in cats have lately attracted attention in the show-window 
of a fashionable Kearny-street cattery — the lop-ear, the bench-leg, the early 
amorous, the night-blooming and the sweet prolific being the most admired 
breeds. In poll-parrots there is nothing new to report. Thin young men 
with drooping moustaches are still preferred. 

In looking over some letters belonging to her husband, the other day, 
Mrs. Gideon Marrowfat found that one was different from the others in a 
marked degree. 

We deeply regret the departure for Europe of the wife and three daugh- 
ters of our esteemed fellow citizen, Mr. Gideon Marrowfat. It is expected 
they will be absent for some years, as it is the lady's intention to put her 
daughters in a convent. Mr. Marrowfat is greatly altered. 

Teeth are going out of fashion now in our best families ; the ladies put 
out their chewing. 

At the burial, last Monday, of Mrs. Rev. Dr. Biblewhacke, the clothes 
that the corpse had worn in church during the public ceremonies were re- 
moved at the grave and a plain shroud substituted, that kind of costume 
being, by its simplicity, better suited to the privacy of the grave. The ser- 
mon was preached by the bereaved husband, who wore the usual evening 



dreSB and a look of holy resignation. He requests us to state that he is not 
prepared to marry again at present. 

The custom of making gifts to the unhappy couple committing matri- 
mony is now considered outre and ausgespielt. Sums of money are sent in- 
stead. It is customary to accompany them with some polite excuse, such as 
that you have heard that the groom is in straitened circumstances, or that 
you have not had the time to select a suitable present. If you send a large 
sum a small excuse will do. 

A RECEIPT THAT IS SOMETHING LIKE, 



Jackass Hill, July S, IS84. 
Mr. Editor — Longer'n you know, I've been promoting the diffusion 
of wealth by slinging small sums of money round the country through Wells, 
Fargo & Co., and it's no more than square to say it's made the riffle every 
whack, and no back talk. The other day I read the receipt I got, and it's 
the sense of this meeting that the racket it gives a fellow is mighty tough. 
The fellow that sends the money hasn't got the ghost of a show. To put 
him on a better footing with the Company, and give him a square deal, I 
propose the following form of receipt, as being about the fair thing between 
man and man ; but if you're a bloated stockholder in the outfit you can toot 
the other instrument and boss the dance yourself : 

Received from John Doe a Coin Package valued at $20, addressed Sallie Doe, 
Nigger Flat, which we undertake to forward to some point most agreeable to this 
Company on these conditions, namely, to wit : That Wells, Fargo & Co. shall pot be 
held liable for loss or damage, except as disinterested spectators only, within their own 
lines of communication ; nor for any loss or damage by fire or casualties of navigation 
and inland transportation (unless specially insured by payment of a premium equal to 
itself in value and so noted herein) ; nor for such as can be referred to the carelessness, 
incompetence or malevolence of God, the unkindness of Government, riot, insurrection, 
piracy, small-pox, exposure to weather, or the hazards of peace ; nor for any default, 
neglect, mishap or avaiice on the part of any connecting or intermediate line (indi- 
vidual, corporation or association of road-agents) to whom said property may^ be trans- 
ferred or surrendered for further transmission toward the place where it will do the 
most good ; nor for any sum exceeding one-tenth part of any shipment, under any 
circumstances ; nor for any amount on goods not packed according to our secret system 
of packing and addressed with absolute accuracy in the matter of dotting every i and 
crossing every t ; on fragile or perishable goods ; nor on articles consisting of, or con- 
tained in, glass, wood, leather, tin, iron or steel. That in respect of C. O. D. goods, if 
delivery is not made in 60 days after consignment the Company may at its option re- 
turn the same to consignor, who shall pay transportation thereon both ways and many 
other ways, or keep it for its honesty. And it is further stipulated that Wells, Fargo 
& Co. shall not be liable under this contract for any claim whatsoever, except upon 
the judgment of a court of competent jurisdiction and of last resort ; and that these 
provisions shall extend to, and inure to the benefit of, each individual, corporation or 
association to whom the above specified property may seem a desirable possession or a 
convenient plaything. In short, it is understood and hereby agreed that this Company 
is not bound to perform any kind of service for the money paid it. 

The person accepting this receipt hereby agrees to its conditions and to any and 
all that the Company may hereafter be pleased to impose. 

Now that's a receipt as is a receipt ; it gives the consignor some rights 
and enables him to retain his self-respect. It doesn't make him feel like he 
was a dumb, driven cattle, as Hector Stuart says in " A Slam of Life," but 
treats him white. A galoot with that receipt in his pocket knows he has 
something concealed about his cadaver that no road-agent will fasten onto 
and make him an orphan in a minute. You hear me shout ! 

Billy Biddanoed. 

WORSE THAN DYNAMITE, 



" These dynamite explosions over in England," said the sleeping-car con- 
ductor, "remind me of an old woman and her jug of yeast. She got on at 
a small station out beyond Steubenville, carrying a gallon jug in her hand, 
which she told me contained a fine quality of home-made yeast. It was 
well-corked and tied, and the old lady carried it to her berth with her, tak- 
ing as much care of it as if it had been a baby. An hour or so later, when 
everybody was asleep, there was the most tremendous explosion ever heard 
in a sleeping-car, and all the neighbors of the woman had a shcuyer bath of 
the frothy stuff from the shattered jug. It was dark and they thought they 
were covered with their own blood. Such screaming you never heard, and 
the old woman herself was the most frightened of the lot. The shaking of 
the car had made the yeast livelier than dynamite, and an extra heavy lurch 
had set it off. The bed-clothes of four sections had to be changed." 



CREME DE LA CREME, 



" Yes, my darling," said George, talking to his girl about the Columbia 
Boat Club excursion, " it was splendid. Sorry you could not go." (She 
had not known that her father's razor was so sharp when she pared them.) 
" The very best of the creme de la creme was there." 

" Was it strawberry or vanilla," she asked, as a delicious languor stole over 
her ; "I wish I had some now. " 

It cost him 75 cents, that remark of his did. People who will not stick 
to their native vernacular know not to where an avenging fate is rushing 
them. 



" Father," said a young man who had charge of the paragraph depart- 
ment of a college magazine, " Falstaff was a very fat man, wasn't he 1 " 

" Yes." 

" He waB what you might call corpulent, wasn't he 1 " 

" Yes, he was corpulent." 

" Corpulence sounds big, but it can be spelled with four letters, can't 
it?" 

" No, it can't. Have you lost all your senses ? " 

" Oh, yes, it can. What's the matter with o b c t ? " 
The father will bring suit against the college for dwarfing his son's mind. 
— Arhansaw Traveler. 

A Cambridge girl meeting a diminutive and very dudish freshman in 
the street, rejoicing in the tallest of tall shirt collars, said pathetically : 
" What a hermit life you must lead inside that collar ! " — Boston Globe. 



THE WASP. 



3 



THE "WASP'S" NOTE-BOOK, 



The Bad Lands Blizzard reprints a circular issued at Chamberlain : 

„m L j . "Julv 4,1884. 

Ihe grandest attraction ever offered to the people of Southern Dakota." After the 
exercises of the day close, and at 7:30 P. m. six notorious horse thieves will he sus- 
pended by the neck from elm trees in the prove opposite the city of < Ifa&mberJain, 1 >.i- 
kota. Let every man who wants to see a horse thief hang, come ; come one, come all. 
By order of vigilantes." 

Evidently a quarter where business and pleasure go neck and neck. 

In Miss Maud Howe's San Rosario Banch, she loftily compares news- 
paper reporters to "Chinamen, babies and other unfortunate works of 
God." Probably Miss Howe was born fourteen years old, as a certain small 
boy said his children should be. 



Literary crookedness. The following poem, under the title of " Profit 
and Loss," is floating through the Eastern papers, credited to Temple Bar: 

Philis, much more wise than fond, 

Thinking no gain comes amiss 
One day extracts from Philimonde 

Thirty sheep for just one kiss. 

But the next day comes a change — 

He will win his will more cheap, 
And he now extracts from her 

Thirty kisses for one sheep. 

Next day, Philis, gTown more kind, 

Anxious is her love to keep, 
So she, with contented mind, 

For one kiss gives all the sheep. 

Next day, Philis, wise in vain, 

Would give sheep and dogs as well 
For the kiss the 6ckle swain 

Gives for nothing to Arbelle. 

This is an almost literal translation of a poem to be found, under differ- 
ent names, in Masson's " Lyre Fraacaise,'' and Le Gai's " Million de Plai- 
santeries." It was written by Dufresny in 1798. 



Overheard scraps of conversation : Two airy young men on Kearny 
Btreet passing a quietly dressed woman. 

First Young Max : Is that Miss ? 

Second Young Man : Yes. She's literary as thunder. 



Cook (whose ill-tempered master has a jit of amiability) : He's too sweet 
to be wholesome. 



Two small boys looking in a taxidermist's window on Market street. 

First Boy : What is a naturalist 1 

Second Boy : Why — a man that catches gnats. 



BOOK NOTICE, 



" Miss Ihrie — An Effect in Chrome Yellow." Translated into French from the 
Modern G-reek of A. N. /limits, by Pseud, de Plume. 



The anticipations raised by the attractive title of this work are not dis- 
appointed by its contents. The elements of the story are simple and pa- 
thetic. It is a tale of domestic life in the decayed Greek village of Abscissa 
during the infamous Agaship of Bukbeck Bey. The period embraces the 
year preceding the signing of the treaty of Galeongee. As an eye-witness 
of the stirring scenes described, the author enables us vividly to realize the 
calamitous effects of English diplomacy and French fashions on the morals 
and manners of that interesting people. Miss Ihrie is a governess of Euro- 
pean extraction, who has accepted a situation in the family of a Bedouin 
Nullah, who has retreated from his native (konic) section, to study the effects 
of chrome yellow in Abscissa. The only daughter of the learned Arabian, 
whose name, Fatygal — meaning "Gazelle of the Desert" — falls strangely 
on our ears, is under the tuition of Miss Ihrie for instruction in the modern 
accomplishments. At the opening of the Btory the hair of this unsophisti- 
cated Gazelle of the Desert is changing from ils native driven black to 
chrome yellow. The Sheyk, her father, notices the transformation, but 
dissimulates his emotion ; he maintains an ominous silence, under which his 
daughter's hair grows chromier if not yellower. A young and dashing 
attacks of the British legation at Constantinople, Sir Jones, has been 
dispatched in the guise of a tarboosh or footman to take service with the 
strangers and report his observations to Downing street. France, equally on 
the alert, imports a sharp-witted Parisian lady'B maid, Fifine, who is also in- 
troduced into the unsuspecting family circle by the wife of the Tunisian 
Consul, a crafty Italian woman — thus averting suspicion. An extremely in- 
teresting plot is developed in the efforts of these two diplomatic agents to 
counterwork each other. The clue to its complications is, however, easily re- 
tained by the reader who bears in mind that the Tunisian CodbuI is in love 
with Miss Ihrie, who turns out to be Fatygal's long-lost lover. The triumph 
of British diplomacy is brought about by young Sir Jones's skill in dressing 
hair, which is turned by Fatygal to her own advantage ; while in the climax 
we learn that the fanatical Bedouin is no other than the author, the learned 
Professor Onimus himself. We have not left ourselves room to speak of the 
minor characters, who are numerous and important. The book, as we re- 
gret to learn from the publisher's announcement, is not for sale. 

HE TAKES HIS MEDICINE, 



On Wednesday of last week a man named Hutchings murdered his mis- 
tress. On Monday last he was tried for the offense, the trial lasting ten 
minuteB, and found guilty. On Thursday he was sentenced and will indu- 
bitably hang. Let those who complain that justice cannot be done in this 



city forever hold their peace : it can if the criminal is willing. Mr. Hutch- 
ings, it may be explained, not only surrendered himself confessed his crime, 
pleaded guilty when arraigned and refused to employ counsel, but expressed 
the liveliest desire to be hanged forthwith. These are significant facts ; 
they point out a simple and practical way to judicial reform — apparently the 
only way : that is to secure the consent and cooperation of the accused. 
Mr. Hutchings's removal will be accepted with deep and genuine delight by 
all — by the public because he committed murder, by the bench and bar be- 
cause he would pay nothing to the lawyers. Since that ancient day when 
the late Mr. Wheeler perpetrated the former offense, and by avoiding the 
latter prolonged his existence into modern times, there has been a distinct 
advance in the administration of justice. To secure the full fruitage of the 
movement we have only to establish anct maintain that cordial and sympa- 
thetic relation between court and criminal which will make them work to- 
gether for conviction. As the difference between them is rather accidental 
than moral, they ought to experience but little difficulty in reaching a good 
understanding. 

ABSENT-MINDED WOMEN. 

"But speaking of absent-minded people," said a West Sider, "women 
beat the nation at that. There is my wife, one of the most careful and most 
level-headed women in the world. But one night last winter we went to a 
large party, and we both, for special reasons, were more than anxious to ap- 
pear well. My wife was greatly concerned about me, as I am the absent- 
minded member of the family, and looked me over critically and carefully 
after I left the coat-room and before we went down stairs. She was herself 
all right, of course, and was superbly dressed. We went down in high 
feather and had passed through the parlors and had spent a delightful half 
hour on parade duty, as it were, when my wife suddenly turned pale in what 
I thought was a fainting fit. I hurried her from the room, and was about to 
turn the house upside down in search of restoratives, when she clutched my 
sleeve and pointed to her feet. She had before leaving home drawn over her 
Bhoes a pair of my socka and had forgotten to remove them. The thought 
that she had been parading before three hundred people with those socks on 
was too much for her." 

A South Sider who had listened to this said after indulging in a con- 
tented little chuckle : " My wife tells almost as good a story as that on her- 
self. She is, as everybody knows who knows her at all, very particular 
about her dress, and she grieves over a spot on my coat or a lack of polish 
on my shoes with a grief that will not be comforted. She went down street 
shopping on one occasion this spring, and in trying on bonnets became a 
little disturbed over the fact that none of the new shapes suited her face. 
She therefore picked up her parasol, walked out of the store, called on a 
very aristocratic acquaintance, and then came home. A glance in the hall 
glass showed that she had no bonnet on. She had taken it off to try on the 
new ones, and as she expressed it, had been parading along the streets with 
nothing on her head but a small veil across her forehead. She didn't scold 
me about the spots on my coat for a week." 

" I have a better story than that," said a superintendent of one of the 
departments at Field's. " Not long ago a fashionably-dressed lady came in 
early, and in the course of her bargaining put her parasol on the counter 
near a large feather duster which one of the clerks had been using. After 
making some purchases the lady caught up the duster instead of her parasol 
and went out hurriedly. As soon as I discovered the mistake I sent a boy 
after her with the parasol, but he did not overtake her until she had made 
quite a journey. 

" In fact, she flourished that feather duster along the street — flourished it 
about as she went into another store and put it down on the counter, still 
under the impression that it was a parasol. When her purchases in the sec- 
ond store were made she turned to pick up her parasol, and seeing the 
feather duster, asked for her parasol. The clerk explained that she had not 
brought any parasol in, but had come in carrying that duster. She was su- 
premely indignant at such an intimation, and was delivering the clerk a 
sharp lecture on the subject when in came our boy with her parasol and an 
explanation. She was so overcome that she had to be sent home in a car- 
riage." — Chicago Tribune. 

PERSONAL, 



" At what age," asks a metaphysician, " does a man cease to grow men- 
tally ? " Some men stop early, but others continue to learn. There is Gen 
eral Grant, for instance. He knows more than he did last year. 

Mme. Adam is the publisher of a paper in Paris. She is not the widow 
of Adam of biblical fame. That distinguished lady is dead. 

" Put me down as against Blaine in letters two feet long," says Rev. Mr. 
Beecher. Some years ago Mr. Beecher was "put down" in letters about 
that long — letters that he wrote to the wife of one of the members of his 
church. One "putting down" in letters of such proportions ought to laBt 
a man a lifetime. 

Emily Faithful has just celebrated her forty-eighth birthday. It looks 
as if Emily were going to obey the divine injunction : " Be ye faithful unto 
the end." 

At breakfast we had among other things pie. This article at breakfast 
was one of Mr. Emerson's weaknesses. A pie stood before him now. He 
offered to help somebody from it, who declined ; and then one or two others, 

who also declined; and then Mr. ; he, too, declined. "But, Mr. 

V Mr. Emerson remonstrated, with humorous emphasis, thrusting his 

knife under a piece of the pie, and putting the entire weight of his charac- 
ter into his manner, " but, Mr. , what is pie for? " — A Western Jour- 
ney. 



A West "V '.rginia ship carpenter has not slept more than ten hours in 
all, Bince the fi. st of January last. This planely augurs ill for his health. 
He should brace up a bit, or he wiU certainly pass in his chips. 



THE WASP. 



YhzWasp 



VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 4. 



IVBOLE NUMBER, 417. 



SATURDAY, 



JULY 26, 1884. 



PUBLISHED EVERT SATURDAY, AT NOS. 510 AND 542 CALIFORNIA STREET ET 

E. 0. MACFARLANE & CO., 



Proprietors and PubliBhern. 



Teems to Subscribers : 

One copy, one year, or 5L numbers $5 00 

One copy, six months, or 26 numbess 2 50 

One copy for thirteen wpeks 1 25 

Postage free to all parts of the United States, Canada and British Columbia. 
To all other countries one dollar per year extra. The country trade supplied by the 
San Francisco News Company. All Postmasters are authorized to take subscrip- 
tions for the Wasp, payable invariably in advance. 

The following agents are authorized to receive subscriptions and advertisements 
for the Wasp : In Merced, Fresno, Tulare and Kern counties, Tfl. E. MoQdiddt. 
D. G. Waldron, General Traveling Agent. 

Directions to discontinue the paper should be given in writing. 

[Entered at the Postoffice at San Francisco for transmission at second-class rates.] 

No questionable advertisements will be inserted in this journal on any terms. 

Tf the Republicans are to win thiB election they must pretty soon give 
up boasting and settle down to work. They have a hard fight before them, 
and it is touchingly unwise for them to rely upon the ineffective methods of 
the idiot, to the neglect of the time-honored tactics of the rascal. We hear 
altogether too much prediction of victory and not enough defamation of 
eharacter — too frequently that Blaine will be the next President and too 
rarely that Cleveland is a thief. Later in the canvass, doubtless, the two 
methods will be combined in something like their immemorial and tradi- 
tional proportion (indeed a holy-minded preacher has already "denounced " 
the Democratic candidate as a professional seducer in large practice), but 
time is precious and the stirrup of opportunity will not always invite the 
foot of sloth. An effective "campaign lie" is not readily contrived; its 
design and erection are matters of profound study, requiring time ; whereas 
it is of the highest importance that every sovereign elector place himself 
early upon the record as that particular kind of blockhead whose wish is 
father to his thought. But sufficient time has now elapsed since Mr. Blaine's 
nomination for every one of his supporters to have draped himself with the 
mantle of prophecy and admired himself in that picturesque attire. That 
sacred duty to himself being accomplished, it is time to do something for his 
candidate, for all this boasting — as offensive in public affairs as in private 
life— is injurious to trhat person's chances of election. Forecasting the 
future is not argument ; it makes no votes. On the contrary, it begets a 
misguiding confidence which on election day persuades many a voter to go 
fishing. What is needed now to insure Republican success is dissemination 
of good, practical campaign lies, superior in quality and of wider diffusion 
than those consecrated to the advancement of Democratic principles. If, 
also, it can be shown that the election of Blaine, in addition to being certain 
would be beneficial to the country, that would help, too, though not much. 



We drop this friendly intimation into the ears of Republicans because 
they appear to need it rather more than their opponents. To those Cali- 
fornians who derive their political knowledge from the local press it appears, 
no doubt — it must appear — that this is a one-sided contest. The Alta's and 
MiMminer's clientele are altogether sure that Cleveland will win ; readers of 
the Chronicle and Post are inaccessible to a doubt of Blaine's success. There 
is not a newspaper in this state that gives its readers uncolored news of the 
situation. The Associated Press dispatches from the East, originally biased 
to suit the market, are still further sophisticated by each journal receiving 
them, in conformity to its partisan necessities or tastes. Editorially and in 
every other way, all the Republican journals are belittling the magnitude 
and significance of the defection from the ranks of their party ; the Demo- 
cratic sheets as industriously exaggerate it. It is only by a patient and 
comprehensive survey of the situation as shown in Eastern journals that 
one can determine the real importance of this defection — though much might 
be guessed from the frantic volubility of abuse heaped on the heads of its 
leaders by those local sheets which most stoutly aver — in column on column 
■ — its entirely trivial character. It is really a most important movement. 
It is made by a hard crowd to fight — by thoBe men and their descendants 
who began by being reviled and persecuted as "abolitionist")" and ended 
by forcing their views upon the whole country. Their opinio as in early life 



were pelted through the columns of the newspapers and kicked down the 
steps of town halls ; in maturity they blazed and thundered from the na- 
tional capitol and armies surrendered at the sound. The men who have 
bolted the Republican nominations are the men and their political heirs who 
founded the Republican party. They represent public opinion in the only 
sections of this country where there is a political conscience. Their New 
York contingent broke the Republican " machine " in that state in 1882 ; 
they will probably break it in 1884. Their leaders are the ablest and most 
trusted men in politics ; their journals have a combined influence that is 
formidable out of all proportion even to their great circulation, for it is the 
influence of conscience and brains. 



We are not saying that these men and journals are right, but that they 
are honest and powerful. It is not, in our judgment, either wise or respect- 
able to belittle the obstacles in the way of success to a party whose past 
history and present associations command our sympathies and ask our allegi- 
ance. We have a trick of endeavoring to see things aB they are, not as we 
might wish to have them. Let fools consult the oracle of their preferences 
and believe the augury of their wish ; we are for the truth and the facts. 
The facts are as we state them : unless through some even more than usually 
ingenious blundering on the part of the Democrats, New York will probably 
be lost to Blaine and Logan, moat of the New England states going with 
New York. The Independents are, we repeat, a hard crowd to fight. 



Two elements of uncertainty have been omitted from consideration, 
either or both of which may profoundly affect the result of the canvass — the 
Labor and the Prohibition parties. It is too soon to estimate their import- 
ance, for their designs are not fully disclosed. So far as it has evolved itself 
to date, the " situation " east of the Rocky Mountains is, to a judgment 
taking no counsel of sympathies, clearly and even conspicuously adverse to 
Republican success. In California we shall find the case not very different 
except as to the nature of the causes concerned in producing a like effect. 
These are neither many nor complex nor obscure, but we have not space re- 
maining for their adequate presentment. Next week we hope to set forth 
certain sufficient reasons for the conviction that only by the most strenuous 
efforts, intelligently made and diligently continued, can the Republicans 
hope to carry this state ; and in succeeding issues we may possibly point out 
how the Democrats, without sacrifice of principle or violence to conscience, 
may better merit the success they appear to be on the point of achieving 
than for many years they have taken the trouble to do. There is, after all, 
a certain rough justice in the apportionment of political power to political 
parties ; and if Republicans think that Mr. Blaine's personal popularity on 
the Pacific Coast — where alone he is popular — is a profitable substitute for 
honesty and capacity in the treatment of local interests they are in a fair way 
of having that error grubbed out of their wild understandings by the logic 
of ungentle events. 



The Lieutenant Greely incident is the most interesting of the year, so far. 
It is nonsense to clamor for the repression of arctic exploration while its mo- 
tives inhere in the very constitution of human nature. It is not a question 
of science or practical advantage ; so far as we know there are no important 
scientific problems that can be solved only at the extreme of the world's 
axis, and all material discoveries there are but valueless contributions to 
sentimental geography. It can benefit no one to know the configuration of 
a portion of the globe where the land is not habitable nor the water naviga- 
ble. Nevertheless, in their enthusiasm for arctic discovery ; in the breath- 
less interest with which in fancy they follow the fortunes of their intrepid 
emissaries in the region of horrors ; in the honors that they bestow upon the 
survivors, and in the sorrow that they feel for the dead, men are wiser than 
they know. In this warfare with the malevolent energies of nature it prof- 
its nothing to count the cold noses of the slain. It is true of this as of other 
wars and "perilous trades," that it entails no loss of life. Everybody who 
commits the indiscretion of being born must sometime incur the penalty of 
death. If a man do not die in one way he will in another ; if he do not go 
up north and perish of indigestion from eating sealskin boots, or from the 
pruning of his extremities by John Frost, he will break his neck falling 
down the cellar stairs, or the doctors will kill him in his bed. Nothing can 
effect an increase of " mortality " but an increase of births ; as war and dan- 
gerous vocations tend to diminish these, they are to that extent sanitary 
and advantageous. They consolidate the weeping and make it impressively 
audible, but they do not increase the sum of sorrow. The " horrors of war " 
have received adequate attention and admirable literary statement; let 
some one write an appalling catalogue of the horrors of peace. Like war 
arctic exploration is of incalculable indirect advantage in its examples of 
heroism, endurance, patience, obedience and devotion. It is by the occa- 
sional outflash of such radiant virtues as these that pessimists like ourselves 
are blinded and overthrown, as Saul was unhorsed and put into a more 
amiable frame of mind. Fiat lux — let there be another arctic expedition 
forthwith ; the Wasp wishes to respect mankind. 



THE WASP. 



IDLE DREAMS. 



We do the thing better now. The keeping of human animals in a state 
of domestic slavery was a clumsy device unworthy the practical American 
intellect. It tied up and placed at risk the large amount of capital invested 
in their persona ; it got out of them only sullen and indifferent returns. 
The creature does his work to far more purpose in the state of freedom — 
subtly so called. Our problem, then, is that of taking from him a percent- 
age only of his augmented gains, and it should go hard but we would con- 
trive to make better business this way than the other. In point of fact we 
are doing so. The whole art of finance is merely that of raising this per- 
centage to the highest point ; the whole art of polities is that of making the 
free nigger (white and black, but mostly white) stand it. We begin by 
clapping on a public debt, by means of which we take out of every man-Jack 
of him, say $30 a year. This would be fair as a stroke of amateur finance 
but is too crude for master minds. We thoughtfully point out to our 
"nigger" that what he wants is protection, and directly he hands us over 
three times the sum we took out of him first. The real greatness of this 
stroke lies in its simplicity. Next we begin to refine a little. Let us build 
transportation-ways, and water-ways, and docks and all kinds of games, 
and with them try a touch of higher finance. If we ask it aright, this free 
"nigger" will give ub a bonus for working the job and then mortgage him- 
self and all his belongings to pay it. We try him. We offer him the work, 
merely pointing out that we shall have to mortgage it rather heavily in order 
to raise the funds. Sure enough, he tells us to mortgage and be blanked. 
So we clap on another public debt equal to the first, and it in turn hands 
over to us, noiselessly and without friction, another $30 a year of our 
"niggerV wages. This is not doing so badly, and here we may pause, 
merely remarking that we get another good $30 a year out of him by " com- 
bination." We find ourselves thus in receipt of a net $150 a year out of 
every wage-earning "buck" in the country. He hands it over placidly of 
his own good act and deed. He is a sovereign, he is ; a sovereign of the freest 
nation on earth — and the fool feels good. Is not this better, wiser, neater, 
more creditable every way than to have invested $1,500 to $2,000 in the 
animal's flesh and blood, obliged to feed it, and with the risk of its turning 
to fish-bait on our hands? Rather. This, at least, is Mr. Crocker's senti- 
ment, and there is reason to believe that it commands the sympathy of Mr. 
Gould. 



There was confusion and turmoil in the community. The question at 
stake involved its well-being, if not its existence. The potato-bugs hobbled 
around with tears in their eyes, asking if the importation of tubers stung by 
pauper-bugs should be allowed to imperil the production of the domestic 
fruit which formed the staple of their own diet. The bees were bitter on 
Item 7, Schedule B — "combs" — which the horn-beetles demanded should 
be placed on the free-list. It was in vain that the Courier sweat beads of 
ink explaining that the combs in question were manufactured of horn, while 
the Gazette lost its voice pointing out that the horn used was not the kind to 
the production of which the beetles devoted their energies. The partisan 
passions that had been aroused were not to be allayed till after election. The 
water-beetles, who were strong on the navigation laws, pooled their issues 
with the Hymenoptera ; while the wasps (on the paper-pulp issue) went over 
in a body to the Coleoptera ; the hornets, under sagacious leadership, took 
up an independent and advantageous position. The ants, renowned for 
their organization which had won many a doubtful field and, to their lead- 
ers, double shares of spoil, showed the demoralization of relaxed discipline, 
and whole bodies skirmished off under the lead of aspiring pismires. These 
were denounced by the stalwarts as traitors, but they hurled back the ac- 
cusation with so much scorn that numbers of young emmets were led to 
neglect business and gather around old doorkeepers, granary guards and 
other officials who talked themselves weak, clinging phrenetically to their 
posts. At length the election passed, all the vital issues were settled at 
once, and very happily (as it appears to us) the community continued to ex- 
ist under the new order of things. The water-beetleB navigated their own 
element with wonted nimbleness and dexterity ; the hornets, who were 
understood to have traded their chieftain into a good place, resumed work 
for themselves ; the bees and the horn-beetles formally buried the hatchet ; 
the potato-bugs got in fervid work at their own peculiar husbandry ; and an 
era of peace, prosperity and progress was seen to have dawned. Who had 
triumphed? The Doorkeepers. But of which faction? Of the Doorkeeper 
faction. Was that the name of the faction 1 No, dear ; it called itself the 
Party of Civil Service Reform. 

Of the manifold vices to which humanity is prey, there are five that 
infuse it with a baleful glare, as lurid as it has been unquenchable. 
Namely : temperance, veracity, prudence, frugality and valor. Through 
deliberate, conscious and systematic indulgence of these passions amongst 
us, we behold the rich growing richer, while the poor, yielding to the im- 



pulses of unsophisticated nature and addicted to the simple ancestral virtues 
of Drinking and Waste, grow visibly poorer. Daily the profound rogue in 
the domain of finance makes his thousands of dupes through a single crafty 
truth well told and boldly stuck to. Your usurer, even when unbent over 
a social game at cards, will take without a blush whatever advantages pre- 
meditated abstinence may give him over less temperate companions. The 
plodding child of traffic with steadfast gaze bent upon the wealth that he 
discerns afar, will practice in his own pecson, and impose on the wife of his 
bosom and their innocent offspring, a frugality not merely subversive, but 
destructive, of the natural instinct. The trained soldier and (occasionally) 
the reckless frontiersman, in positions of peril, will contemn the safety that 
lieB in flight, and carry the banners of conquest or of extermination amid 
the happy homes of bandits and assassins. How many men, toiling along 
the middle walks of life and who, by a single happy speculation might be 
eased of half their sordid cares, grimly reject the opportunities offered them 
by the Stock Exchange, enslaved by the monster — Prudence. And bo the 
sum of wealth goes on ever increasing in few hands, while the masses — 
basking in the blameless pleasures of indulgence, or generously reckless of 
the morrow — either fail to lay by the provision essential to middle-age, or 
else, misreading its signs, launch their ventures upon the stock market and 
are stripped of their little all ! And so the sum of human misery grows ever 
higher and its contemplation more amusing. 



I had always looked on my friend Lushington's notion of metempsy- 
chosis as a harmless brain-crack, and had even gone the length of maintain- 
ing in argument that the thing could not be. The other day, however, he 
expounded his views to me at Buch length that, to satisfy the amiable crea- 
ture, I promised him I would try it. Accordingly, I provided for the tem- 
porary sequestration of my person and entered into the body of a swine. I 
found the physical equipment and environment of this animal by no means 
uncongenial ; my sty was commodious, with an ample wallow in one corner, 
and there were only three other occupants. These were taciturn fellows, of 
full habit and placid dispositions. I awoke, I remember, conscious of creep- 
ing things, rose and availed myself of a refreshing wallow. As the mud 
caked upon my person, imprisoning the creeping things, I realized that my 
sensations were those of an Italian lazzarone, and I accordingly lay down in 
a sunny place and went to sleep. I had previously observed the acuteness 
of our Bense of smell, and it had recalled to my mind that quaint fancy of 
Dr. Mayo's in " Kaloolah," of a symphony of odors played on him out 
of a sort of scent organ. This idea was present to my mind on rouBing 
from my nap, and I lay quietly sniffing for quite a while, until I recalled 
Walt Whitman's pure enjoyment of the aroma of his armpits, and perceived 
that my sensations were now those of a great American poet. Here another 
fine fat beast with a vast abdomen crossed the sty and lay down in contact 
with me, and we grunted together amicably till I perceived he was for insin- 
uating himself into my place ; at the same moment I recognized him as an 
inveterate office-holder, whom I had known as deputy sheriff* in 1853. I 
then bit him severely ; he squealed, but added directly that he bore no 
malice, said it was a principle with him to make sacrifices for harmony in 
the party, and we were both to feed now from the same trough ; that he had 
only tried to oust me through inveterate habit, and so on. I felt myself a 
politician all over and forgave the honest fellow, and doubt not we should 
have contrived to rub along together ; but at this moment the hired man 
came to us with the swill, and there came over me all the old familiar glow 
with which I had so often led the charge at a ball supper. I was a dude 
again and homesick. Over the ensuing proceedings I draw a veil. I came 
out of the body of the hog and resumed possession of my own ; I feared my 
family might miss me and be anxious. I found Lushington's theory quite 
correct : The immortal part of the swine had occupied my body during my 
absence. My family, however, had not missed me. 



" Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day" is Folly's own 
motto, and productive of more foolishness than any other aphorism that has 
been palmed on the unwary children of men. "Never do to-day what you 
can put off till to-morrow " is Wisdom's reading. Aphorisms are edged 
tools — indifferent playthings for children. There are things that cannot 
without loss be postponed to the morrow ; there are also things imperative 
to be done, which can be done in one only way, and which, therefore, were 
best done with and got out of the way. But where an option really offers, 
where the decision or the act can be postponed, then, "Never do to-day 
what you can put off till to-morrow/' and he that hath ears to hear let him 
hear. 



French Joke. Editor to office boy : Go tell Monsieur X. to send me 
something to fill out my inside with. Exit boy and returns with package of 
dried prunes. Editor: Idiot; tell Monsieur X. I want something to distend 
my paper, not my entrails. Exit boy and returns with this present MS. 

Now had this been palmed on an American paper Monsieur X. would 
have been killed. We do these things better than in France. 



a 



THE WASP. 



VARIATIONS. 



It is not generally known that two of the saints are connected with San 
Francisco weeklies. This is seen in Mrs. Jameson's legendary lore : 

Saint Ambrose is described as "the statesmanlike, practical and some- 
what despotic Ambrose." In pictures he is represented with a beehive. The 
bee and the wasp belong to the same order Symenoptera and the same sec- 
tion Aculeata. He denounced and excommunicated. He nourishes a triple 
scourge knotted with three thongs. 

Saint Jerome took up the profession of law, vowed himself to perpetual 
celibacy and had a passion for solitude. He says : "I sat alone for I was 
full of bitterness." He had a great love for learning, studied languages and 
made translations. His beard was long and flowing. He appears in an old 
Italian print reading in spectacles. In Riberas's picture he is mending a 
pen. "He was particularly remarkable for his influence over the Roman 
women, we find them subdued or excited by his eloquent exhortations." 



ONE OF THE MAKVFiS OF THE AGE. 

The Western papers tell the tale : 
A youth of eighteen springs, no more, 

Eloped with married woman frail 
Whose winters numbered full three-score. 

Why hoot and jeer? why thus assault? 

It is well-known that Cupid's tricksy. 
The man's was but a minor fault, 

Though she, I own, behaved "like sixty"! 



Mrs. Gore of Vallejo has, in three years, given birth to ten children — 
two pairs of twins and two sets of triplets. This is what dressmakers would 
call a gore with a double and triple bias. 



A Southern paper gives an account of a funeral where the minister 
made a prayer for the undertaker. Why not ? He is a man of grave re- 
sponsibilities. 

The colossal statue of Liberty just erected in New York harbor contain- 
ing halls, elevators, and space for forty people in the head, is but a hollow 
tribute to our goddess. 



The circular advertising a certain patent medicine contains this delight- 
ful advice : "A bottle of these pills should always grace the table and be 
served at the conclusion of each meal. " If this did not aid digestion it 
would at least pilfer one's appetite. 



A Philadelphia merchant advertises that " any lady will be wiser for 
seeing an ivory-white satin that we have at $7 a yard ; it is an education to 
see and touch it." This is speaking feelingly of dry-goods. 



The word "rum" in Hebrew means "exalted." 
cated man is called ' ' elevated " ? 



Is this why an intoxi- 



There is a story going the rounds wherein a father asks his daughter if 
she has "any aim in life," and she replies, "I have a beau." This leaves 
an arrow chance for a joke. Majok Key. 



CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS. 



Georgie Curtis and Tommy Nast 

Each have forgiven all the past. 

Says Georgie to Tommy : " This is the riddle, 

To part the party, like my hair, in the middle. " 



There is considerable difference between a sacred white elephant and a 
political dark horse. It is principally in the "sacredness." 

" De men wot zay I vos maag a tern vool ov myzelluf more troot ez boetry 
sbeags, ain'd id. " — Carl Schurz. 



". Why do these common people call me a mugwump ? 
good to eat ? " — George William Curtis. 



Is it something 



I am Gawge the Dude, and, don't-cher know, 
They wanted to march me all in a row 
With the stanch and true five millions or so, 
Of the great Republican army. 

But I teach the cultured how to bolt, 
How to bolt, how to bolt, 
I teach the cultured how to bolt, 
jTrom the ranks of the grand old army. 
Eor I'm Gawge the Dude, yaas, yaas, indeed, 
A little political dude Half breed ; 
I'll drawlingly crawling alone proceed, 

Eor I've kicked myself out of the army. 

They cawn't expect of Gawge the Dude — 

The strike-you-so-featherly, nevah rude — 

That, to pawty pwinciples nawstily glued, 

He'd stick to the choice of the army. 

Rawther he'd teach 'em how to bolt, 
How to bolt, how to bolt ; 
To softly, sweetly, harmlessly bolt, 
Themselves right out of the army. 
He is Gawge the Dude, deah boy, ta-ta ! 
A little, political lah-de-dah, 
Who feels real hurt by your coarse " Ha-ha " 
When he kicks himself out of the army. 



Of all de mean and contemptible things about de American nashun as a 
race, am a presidenshul campaign. We lie, deceive, bribe, flatter, oppress, 
an' if all dis succeeds we swing our hats an' hurrah an' call de attenshun of 
de world to our grand system of guv'ment. From de nominashun of a eon- 



stable to de countin' of de electoral wote fur president, we indulge in all dat 
am mean an' low-lived, an' yit we slant our hats ober our ears an' talk about 
freedom of de ballot, an' a republican form of guv'ment dat outshines de 
hull world ! 

Sir Isaac Walpole, if you am gwine to take an active part in de comin' 
campaign, prepar' yerself now by thro win' to de winds all yer religun ! 

Pickle Smith, resolve to become a liar ! Judge Cadaver, git yer tongue 
limbered up to talk slander ! Giveadam Jones, see if you cannot fit yerself 
to be a fust-class bulldozer ! Trustee Pullback, I look to you to bribe sich 
men as can't be frightened ! Lord Nelson Slabs, stand forth and tell me 
dat ye am prepar'd to writ' abusive newspaper articles fur so much money 
par rod ! Waydown Bebee, you are detailed to hire freeborn patriots to 
carry torches an' hurrah for liberty at so much a torch ! Dat's all. Let us 
proceed to bizness. 

"SENSELESS PHILLIS, SNUFFLING AT NOSE," 



Waiting for my street-car the other evening, my attention was attracted 
by a young couple who sauntered by me very slowly and of whose low- 
breathed communings I heard one-and-a-half or two words. To a man, the 
period of whose own youth was protracted, one-and-a-half or two words over- 
heard with the ear of flesh may suffice to render a whole train of conversa- 
tion audible in the spirit. The night was one of those balmy ones so com- 
mon during the San Francisco summer when nature's breath congeals the 
marrow in her children's bones. Time has been when I too have strolled 
after moon-rise on the surface of this peninsula, and I wondered now whether 
the soft, low tones of that elder date would have fallen on unimpassioned 
ears as these now fell on mine. For these tones were such as follow : 

Augustus : Ah, Bary Al', your heart and soul are dot, like bile, fixed 
ol wul oly object. I have set by sub of happiless ol this cast, al lot to suc- 
ceed dow were bisery. 0, Bary Al', whel delicate and feelig souls are 
sepalated there is dot al aspi-pi-Ha-tzic ! Hah-ah-tshew ! — dot al aspila-la- 
Ha-tzic ! — dot al aspilation, I say, of the bleeze, but hilts sub cause for a 
lover's apprehelshul. 

Makyann : Bad bal ! I see it is dot id youl lature to be colfidelt id 
love. I will lever be yours. Let us coltilue freds, for I do dot doubt the 
strelth or holesty of your attachbelt. 

Augustus : Ulkyld Bary Al' ; hear be wul bobelt. Hobe 1 You wait 
to go hobe this heavelly bool-light light 1 I will swear, like Robeo id the 
play, by that sabe Bool — tzic ! tzic ! ah-sh-shoo-oo-oo ! 

Maeyann (with vivid reminiscence of the play) : It is lot yet lear day. 
It was the lightilgale, al lot the lark, that pierced the fearful hollow of thile 
ear. Te-he ! It says so il the play : I dolt bead your ears have fearful big 
hollows id theb ! 

And thus Love's young dream was all broken up. But I am not mean- 
ing to call attention so much to the catastrophe of this love dialogue as to 
the striking orthoepic forms assumed by all dialogue carried on in San 
Francisco in the open-air after sundown. 

A TRUE STORY. 



A Colorado farmer having been to a revival meeting, felt very religious, 
and as they were entertaining some city friends he thought the proper thing 
to do would be to have morning prayers. 

So the household were assembled, and he began by reading a chapter in 
the Bible, then he requested them to kneel while he made a prayer. 

He commenced. Ten minutes passed, twenty, half an hour ; then an 
hour wore its weary length along ; the listeners began to grow restless, but 
still he prayed with unabated vigor, with no signs of a termination, until it 
was high noon. 

His wife was in despair, all the farm work had yet to be done, beside 
the housework ; and she felt sure the kitchen fire would be out, and their 
chance of a dinner slim, indeed. She was perfectly in accordance with his 
wish for morning prayers, but to have them continued all day and far into ' 
the night seemed literally too much of a good thing. At length unable to 
endure it longer, she leaned over and whispered to him : 
" John, don't you think you have prayed long enough 1 " 
" Yes, but I don't know how to wind the damn thing up ! " 

BASHFUL, 



Robert, a bashful young student of Cupid, recently summoned up 
enough courage to escort a young lady home. At the breakfast table next 
morning his father said : 

" Well, my son, did you go home with any of the girls last night ? " 

" Yes," said Bob. 

" Who was she 1 " 
Robert hesitated, but finally blurted out : 

" I thought it was Annie Warren, but when we got to the turn of the 
road she went into Ella Ham's house." 

" But I should think you might have told by the sound of her voice," said 
his father. 

" Neither of us said a word," said Bob, blushing and stammering. 



Uncle 'Zeke had a sad look upon his rugged face yesterday, and we 
paused for an explanation. 

" Well, yer see, b'yes," he said sorrowfully, "I've jest hearn o' a trick ter 
bus' my happy fireside all to flinders. " 

" What is it ? " we gasped. 

" I drapped onter a plan o' Melindy an' that are Jenkin boy ter 'lope an' 
leave me in the lurch, " and he cried. 

" Why don't you stop 'em ? " we asked. 

" Easy thar, b'yes ; don'cher go and spile ennything ; I'm so goldarned 
scared that they won't skip out that I won't go home — 'feared I'll be in 
their way." 

The immortal saying, " There's always room at the top," was invented 
by a hotel clerk. 



THE WASP. 



FORTY MILES OF LYING, 



The skipper hailed Jamaica from, 

And with round oaths he swore, 
In sailing from that land of rum, 

Nine million sharks he saw— 

Or more — 

Swimming round behind, before, 

Sharks a-hungering for gore. 

The landsmen could not laugh him down, 

This skipper of the main. 
He called hifl crew the tale to crown ; 

To them the sight was plain — 

In vain 

The landsmen called the count again — 

The record thus doth still remain. 

"When lubbers laugh, the skipper bold 

His tale anew prepares. 
He calls all hands up ; young and old 

Each to the yarn he swears — 

Declares 

All he knows of such affairs 

The skipper's tale discounts, he swears. 

And now comes Young, a skipper, too — 

A schooner smart he sails — 
And gives the yarn an aspect new 

By changing sharks to whales — 

Nor fails 

To give us one of those old tales 

Before which every other pales. 

When next there comes in from the sea 

A skipper bold and true, 
A school of serpents probably 

He'll add this tale unto ; 

And who 

Will dare dispute when told the crew 

Were with their ship all lying to / 

A WOMAN'S JOURNAL. 



Ml. 



Thursday, July 17th. 
I was told that very little Balzac had been translated into English. I 
have never seen this little screed from " The Nucingen House " translated, 
and I think it deserves an English-speaking public. It is a French cynic's 
views on what he calls " the great law of the Improper which regulates Eng- 
land." 

"In England," he says, "you become extremely chummy with a lady 
some evening, at a ball or elsewhere ; you meet her next day in the street 
and appear to recognize her i improper ! At a dinner you discover under the 
dress-coat of your left-hand neighbor a delightful man, with wit and without 
arrogance, with ease and without anglicisms ; following the gracious and 
admirable laws of French society, you speak to him : improper ! You accost 
a pretty woman at a ball in order to ask her to dance : improper ! You 
warm up, you discuss, you laugh, you pour out your soul, you talk when you 
talk and eat when you eat : improper, improper, im^proper ! Stendhal char- 
acterized the improper in saying that there was a certain lord in Great 
Britain, who, when he was quite alone, dared not cross his legs as he sat 
before his fire for fear of being improper. An English lady, even if she be- 
longed to the intense sect of saints (double-distilled protestants who would 
let their whole family die of hunger if the family was improper), would not 
herself be improper if she turned double somersaults in her bedroom, and 
would consider herself lost if she received a friend in the same room. 
Thanks to the improper, some day the inhabitants of London will all be 
found petrified. Walter Scott dared not draw women as they are for fear 
of being improper and repented of 'Enie Deans' in the Heart of Midlothian. 

" If you wish an infallible rule how not to be imjyroper in England, go to 
the Tuileries and study the marble fireman labeled Themistocles and form 
yourself on him, you will never be improper. 

ti An English lord had a tiger only three feet high who could drive a two- 
wheeled vehicle with two horses tandem, riding on the leader with his legs 
not reaching the traces. An English journalist insisted that this little 
angel was too pretty for a tiger and hinted that he was a tame tigress. The 
description threatened to spread and become improper. The superlative of 
the improper leads to the gallows. My lord discharged his tiger and was 
much praised by my lady for his circumspection." 

Priday, 18th. 
Mrs. General McDowell is a very bright woman and reserves herself the 
right, which many San Francisco ladies arrogate, to cut her friends and 
acquaintances on the street or anywhere else when she feels like it. She 
sometimes excuses herself by saying that she is very near-sighted. Lately 
she has been recognizing people with distinguished consideration. One of 
her friends said to her, " How is this? You never used to bow to me. Are 
you less near-sighted or more cordial ? " 

"Oh," said Madame La Ge'ne'rale, "I have become grandmamma to a 
newspaper. I see everybody now." 

Saturday, 19th. 
A delicious child, four years old, was brought to the Protection and 
Relief Society as an irreclaimable little runaway. Hardly believing it pos- 
sible the matron still took the precaution of hiding his clothes when she put 
him to bed. In the morning no four-year-old. He had stolen the clothes of 



a boy twice his size and made off. After two or three days' hunt the police 
found him, a perfect little object, selling papers in the lower part of the 
city. The vocation he chose showed that he was unfit for liberty. He waa 
brought back and standing before the matron, looking very funny in his 
roomy garments, he stealthily showed her the silver gleam of half a dollar 
held so tight that a ring was pressed into his hot little palm, and whispered 
hoarsely, " Don't yer lick me this time and I'll go halvers with you." 

Sunday, 20th. 
I asked Frank what medical treatment an invalid friend of his waa 
using. "Electric bat — from a battery," he responded succinctly. 

Monday, 21st. 
President Lincoln appointed Stephen J. Field Justice of the Supreme 
Court and Delos Lake United StateB District Attorney at about the same 
time. The two met shortly afterward, and Judge Field triumphantly re- 
marked that Mr. Lake's office was only for four years while his own was for 
life or during good behavior. 

" It looks as if I should keep mine the longest," said Lake. 
That same season at a reception in Washington a friend introduced Mr, 
Lake as the Attorney-General to some English lord Tomnoddy who was be- 
ing lionized. Judge Lake expostulated in an undertone, saying that he was 
only District Attorney from California. 

41 Never you mind," said the zealous friend. " You're Attorney- General 
to-night, we're not going to be outranked by any Englishmen." 

Tuesday, 22d. 
The appeal of the Chinese Government to its subjects here for money 
brings up a delightful picture of the Chinese holding a fair out at the 
Pavilion, as the French did in 1870. The feature of that fair was a tombola 
— a sort of raffie, where every one draws a prize. Mr. F. L. A. Pioche and 
the Weill brothers were the prime movers in the French fair. Mr. Pioche 
denuded himself of pictures, walking-sticks, and his smooth old brandy of 
'93, in order to stock the fair. That brandy sold for $10 a bottle, and Mr. 
Pioche would use every means of persuasion in his power to lure a friend 
into buying a bottle for France ; then he would send the buyer a dozen 
bottles next day from his own cellar en prince. 

The Chinese tombola would present a rare assortment of curios — snaps 
and snails and puppy-dogs' tails, back-scratchers, pickled mice, tiger-claw 
jewelry, bean cheese and bottles of Sam Shu of antidiluvian vintage would 
sell for fabulous prices ; nor would the buyers all be Mongolians. 

That same F. L. A. Pioche was an interesting person, aside from his 
connection with tombolas. He had some Monte Cristo in him. Feeling 
himself indebted to the extent of a Christmas present to several slight ac- 
quaintances, he bought fifty or a hundred carved ivory-backed prayer-books, 
and bestowed one wherever he thought etiquette required. George Butler, 
the artist, did a pen-and-ink sketch of him as a rag-picker in a silk hat 
discovering art in San Francisco — symbolized by an armless statue being 
pried out of a heap of dSbris. He was a patron of Mezzara, who made a 
very good bust of him, wherever it iB. He was a great man. When will 
the sun arise on such another ? 

Wednesday, 2Sd. 
I am perfectly delighted with the Lambert family, an all-accomplished 
lot — so individual and so mutually admiring that it would seem as if they 
lived in the plenitude of satisfied ambition. This is not wholly thus. Miss 
Angelina, who sings ballads charmingly, yearns to accompany herself upon 
the piano. Miss Jemima, who as a player leaveB Rive'-King far behind, 
only lives to play without her notes. As long as Miss Angelina sings to her 
sister's accompanyment she has taste, expression and roundness of tone ; 
when she insists upon accompanying herself, not only is the accompaniment 
a dismal baas-less fabric 'of false notes played out of time, but the exertion 
and anxiety of the instrumental effort clouds, weakens and robs of all ex- 
pression the young lady's voice. 

As long as Miss Jemima keeps her notes before her Bhe is a brilliant 
pianist, whose performance is a pleasure to every listener ; the moment she 
endeavors to play from memory she pounds, makes mistakes, repeats phrases 
innumerably and mangles lamentably, yet the dearest wish of each young 
lady is to do exactly that which renders her accomplishment unendurable to 
every one but herself. The greatest fun is to see Angelina wait until 
Jemima leaves the piano-stool and then joyfully take possession and begin 
on some song where the accompaniment exactly follows the air, and inaccu- 
racies are unpardonable. 

" I'll play for you," says Jemima, masking her agony with this cheerful 
stratagem for speedy deliverance. 

" Oh, I won't trouble you," says Angelina, politely ; (( I like to play for 
myself." 

Jemima escapes from the room noiselessly. Anon Bhe returns and takes 
possession of the now released piano. She determines to make a trial of 
her memory. She selects something bold and brilliant in a quick tempo. 
Oh, woe ! Disjecta membra of a theme float, sink and re-appear upon a 
thunderous sea of sound. 

11 Let me find your music for you," says Angelina, hoping to shorten the 
struggle and re-adjust the sad differences between her sister and the com- 
poser. 

" Oh, I know the piece," says Jemima ; 
remember it." 



1 I'm only trying to see if I can 
Jael Dence. 



" Cholera !" exclaimed an old farmer. "Great Caesar ! man, don't tell 
me that this country is threatened with cholera agin." 

" Yes, it's got into France, and without proper precautions may reach 
America." 

" It's terrible," he groaned. "Why, last year I lost four of the finest 
hogs you ever see with the cholera ! " 

" But this is not hog cholera, it's Asiatic cholera." 

1( Oh ! " said the farmer, looking much relieved, " I was afraid it was hog 
cholera. " 

I ain' got much faith in de frownin' man. In de black cloud dar's more 
win' den rain. 




READY f 



|fi\SP. 




SCHMIDT LABELS LITHO.C0-, SAN FRANCISCO. 



THE FRAY 



10 



THE WASP. 



HIS REFLECTIONS. 



When de new year comes, I'se a gwine ter do better, 

Abraham, rocky my soul ! 
I'se a gwine ter knock off old Satan's fetter, 

Abraham, rocky my soul ! 
I'se serbed him now fur a mighty long time, 

Abraham, rocky my Boul ! 
Hab stained my garment in de dew ob crime, 

Abraham, rocky my soul ! 

De rooster whut I stole I'se gwine ter take home, 

Abraham, rocky my soul ! 
Fur he's sot in de fros' till he's done los' his comb, 

Abraham, rocky my soul ! 
I'se gwine ter git a 'vorce from one ob my wives, 

Abraham, rocky my soul ! 
An' tell de udders to refo'm dar lives, 



Abraham, rocky my soul ! 



A CHRIST TO ORDER. 



-Arkansas Traveler. 



Two sailors, returning from a long and perilous voyage, went to their 
village priest and told him that during an awful storm they vowed to offer a 
gift to the church. 

" What shall it be ? " they asked. 

" The church lacks pictures. I would like to have a Christ," the priest 
hurriedly answered, for the train was about to leave for Paris. 

The sailors left without learning how he wanted his Christ painted. 
Upon reaching the artist's studio in Paris, the elder of the two, who carried 
the money, placed a handful of gold pieces on the table. 

" Take that, my boy," said he, " and give us a fine Christ." 

" Yes," said the other, " a grand Christ." 

' ' How will you have him 1 " asked the painter. Seeing that the sailors 
did not understand him, he added : " Do you want him dead or liv- 
ing?" _ 

" Living," said the old man. 

" I should like him better dead, " said the young man. 

" Dead ! Pshaw ! " cried the other, with a grimace of disgust. 

" Why will you not have him dead ? " 

" It is not gay enough. And then, dead, after three days one would not 
feel that he was in the church." 

" Then, let us make him living," proposed the painter. "I will put him 
in the Garden of Olives for you." 

" Olives 1 Pshaw ! At Marseilles one sees nothing but olives," said the 
old sailor. " We are disgusted with olives. Our comrades will say we were 
afraid of expense. I would rather have him walking in a garden of aspar- 
agus, but asparagus with stalks bigger than my wrist — such asparagus as 
they Berve on the Admiral's table." 

But the other one, untempted by the asparagus, shook his head and 
said, " I prefer to have a donkey, like what we saw in a picture in a Valpar- 
aiso church." 

" A donkey ! " said the artist. "I ask nothing better; but it will be 
more work and increase the cost. " ♦ 

At this remark the sailors concluded to count their money on the table. 
The sum was 800 francs. 

Then the old man cried, " You cannot give us a Christ and a donkey 
for that money ? What are donkeys worth, then, in Paris ? Come to Mar- 
seilles ; I will get all you want at 250 francs. Take 550 francs for the 
Christ." 

The painter hesitated. 

The young sailor exclaimed : "550 francs! Why, at Marseilles, when 
a soldier wants a substitute you can buy a man for 500 francs — and your 
choice, too — among the biggest and best forms in the port." He felt in his 
pocket. " Here are 50 francs more ; give us your Christ and our donkey." 
But the old man, seeing the additional money, hastened to say, " Then, 
for that price I don't want a donkey. " 

" What do you ask — an elephant ? " 

" No, I want a Magdalen — a fine girl, very plump — a lovely creature for 
the fellows toadmirewhen they come to see our picture — a pretty brunette." 

" But Magdalen was blonde," the artist objected. 

" You can put on a bonnet to hide her blonde hair." 

" But with her hair concealed no one will know that she is a brunette," 
said the painter. He reflected a moment. " As she is to wear a bonnet, 
you may as well have a Magdalen without any hair. Thanks to the bonnet, 
no one will suspect it. I will make a reduction of 18 francs for the 
hair." 

" Good ! " said the young man. " Then you must represent her as rolling 
at Christ's feet." 

" Yes, but she will crush your asparagus," said the artist, "and in rolling 
she will risk losing her bonnet. Everybody would see her head was bare as 
a billiard ball. It is unfortunate that you do not want a dead Christ. I 
could have made you a Christ at the tomb — a very plain tomb — good 
maBonry. Say — three metres of stone at 3 francs a metre, 9 francs ; a slab 
at 30 francs ; total, 39 francs." 

The sailors were at once tempted by this modest total. But the old 
man, who had made many voyages and learned to reflect, asked after some 
thought : 

" Yes, but the Christ ? " 
" What ! The Christ ? " 

" How much will he cost us 1 " 

" Nothing — because he will be in the tomb and the tomb will be closed — 
nobody can see him." 

" But the priest wants a Christ — we must have a Christ." 

" Then take a Christ on the cross. Next to the closed tomb that will be 



the most economical — 50 francs for the wood and 2 francs for the nails — 52 
francs. Let us put the Christ at 300 francs ; total, 352 francs." 

" Why, just now it was 550 francs ! " cried the young man. 

" On the cross he is nude," said the artist. " I make a deduction for the 
drapery." 

" That is honest," said the old man, touched by thiB probity. " But I 
will not have him dead — it is too sad. I must have him living." 

The artist, remembering a canvas one of his friends had kept in his 
studio for twenty years, hastened to say, " Then take him in the Garden of 
Olives." 

" No ! no ! " the sailors cried in concert ; " »li Marseilles would jeer at 
us about our olives." 

" Oh, no ! you know Christ is always represented in lhe Garden by moon- 
light. In the night the olives could pass for other trees. Well, to please 
you, I will take away the moonlight, only you must pay me 3 francs for the 
cloud that I put over the moon for you — it will make it complete night." 

" And what will that cost us ? " 

" Four hundred francs and 3 francs for the cloud." 
At this price the old sailor, whose many voyages had developed his 
reasoning powers, made this proposition : 

"But then, if it is entirely dark, nothing hinders your leaving him nude ; 
the drapery then could be deducted. " 

In brief, they paid a hundred crowns. Next day the artist sent them 
the Christ painted by his friend, who was made ill by the surprise of selling 
his work. 

The canvas was rolled and placed with the baggage when the sailors took 
their train, but upon reaching their journey's end there was no canvas. Lost 
or stolen, it had disappeared from the baggage-car. 

While the old sailor lamented, the young one cried : " It is your fault 1 
I wanted him dead — you would have him living. He has gone back to the 
man who sold him. I bought a dog once that served me the same way." 
— Translated from the French by E. F. Dawsow. 



ASSISTED WIT, 



Assisted by the Scissors from the Columns of Our Contemporaries Into Ours. 



A long face is generally a sign of a short purse. 



At a fashionable ball, Miss Gattlyfry, who is rather careless in express- 
ing herself, approaches Mr. McPeal, and says : ' ' Supper is ready. Why 
don't you take a lady to eat ? " 

"Be — be — because," replies the stuttering McPeal, "I ner — ner — never 
e — e — eat la — la — ladies. " Smart man but he ought to be killed. 



His Reverence (pointing to a braying donkey): Pat, d'ye hear yer 
mother calling to ye ? 

Pat : Shure an' I do— Father. 



Men who hate long sentences — Criminals. 



" Oh, de rain am come at las', 
An' de long drouf time am pas' 
An' de weeds am growing fas' 

In de showah ; 
An' de huckleberry briar 
An' de jimson's growin' higher 

Every hour. 

" I tell you, sho's yer bawn, 
Ole Marster's early hawn 
Will call you in dat cawn 

Wid de plow ; 
Fur de pussley am a growin', 
An' trouble am a growin', 

Tell you now ! " 



" Hard workers are never troubled with insomnia," says a physician. 
Very true ; look at the hard-worked policeman. 



Some of the Eastern city churches are closing for the summer. . The 
devil being accustomed to the heat will not shut down. 

A man out in Cincinnati is named Tacks, We would like to see any 
person sit down on him. 

The " pony " of beer is the " dark horse " of intemperance. 



' Good air, fine fishing, milk and fruit, 
Croquet, lawn tennis, boating, riding, 
Mosquitoes none, no flies, rooms single or in suit"- 
All this the honest farmer's advertising — 
" Summer boarders taken in." 

Alas, the day ! when city folks confiding, 
Peruse this legend and the tale believe in ! 

Too soon they'll ascertain the truth in hiding, 
That they, like many, many others, have been 
" Summer boarders taken in ! " 



The door of fashionable society cannot be entered until it is pride open. 
Waist-paper — A bustle. Daily papers — Bills. A side-show — A profile. 



Now they have taken to making candy from petroleum, which is evi- 
dently what Mr. Arnold had in view when he uttered his famous dictum 
concerning Sweetness and Light. 



Irish matters — Potatoes and whisky. A stage-coach — The prompter. 



President Arthur has a retiring disposition. 



THE WASP. 



11 



OUR BITTER HALVES, 



" Sweet Sixteen" asks : "Do we believe in High School education for 
our girls?" Well, you better believe we do. How could any man so far 
forget his self-respect as to partake of a plate of dry hash or a " toad-in-the- 
hole" which had been cooked by a woman who never heard of the Differen- 
tial Calculus, and who couldn't tell whether Pom Aainorum was a branch of 
the Presbyterian Synod or a new style of insect powder '? Or, how could he 
ever become so degraded as to wear a pair of striped socks that had been 
darned by a wife who didn't know any more about rEschylus and Sophocles 
than a dirty swamp frog does about the retreat of Xerxes. "Sweet Sixteen" 
reminds us that Juvenal once sang 

" Oh never may the partner of my bed. 
With subleties of knowledge fill her head ; 
Enough for me if common things she know, 
And boasts the little learning schools bestow." 

But why, in thuuder, should we take that old Pagan mule's opinion on the 
subject ? Think a man wants to be talking all his life to his wife about 
baby's boils, and why the hen with the yellow ears and the pulled tail has 
knocked off laying, and all other "common things" like these? Not a bit 
of it. The nineteenth-century man wants to discuss the agnostic theory 
and to hear all about Joe Cook and the Silurian period ; and if his own 
legally-ordained wife can't hold up her end of the stick when arguing about 
these things, the nineteenth-century man is going to skip round and chum in 
with somebody else's wife who can. — Sydney Bulletin, 

A flying thought is scooting by, 

Here goes to pin it ; 
Perchance it's like a vacant eye — 

There's nothing in it. 

But in this corner down it goes 

At your desire, 
'Tis this, that underneath the rose 

There's oft a briar. 

The lovely woman is the rose 

That gulls the sigher ; 
The hoop that round her finger goes — 

Well, that's the briar. 



The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that can't stone a hen with 
any success. 



"Don't put in no musketeer net tin' for me," said Aunt Hannah. "I 
don't want to breathe no strained air." 



When are you and the wife of your bosom like two useful articles of 
wearing apparel 1 Why, when you are foolish enough to become a muff and 
she is obliged to be your comforter. — Judy. 



" Telemachus, don't let me hear you laughing at a woman again because 
she can't sharpen a pencil. When you want something in that line to laugh 
at. do you just contemplate a man cutting out a paper pattern with a pair 
of scissors, by the united efforts of his right hand, lower jaw and two-thirds 
of his tongue." 



They were disputing about something or other, when Mrs. Fogg impa- 
tiently exclaimed : " Oh, well, have your own way \ You always were an 
off-horse." "Yes, my dear," replied Fogg, "and an off-horse, you know, 
13 always on the right side." 

Says jocose Cousin Jack, " You are two clever girls, 
And Dame Knowledge may claim you for stars j 
So inform me, I pray, what you learned folk mean 
When you prattle about ' The three It's ' ? " 

Then Mattie and Clara smile sweetly and say, 
" We are those who can give you reply : 
You are a noodle, you smart Cousin Jack ; 
They are donkeys who cannot see why. 

" And there is your answer as plain as can be, 
Though Dame Knowledge can't claim us a3 stars ; 
But we E, and you K, and they R, dear Jack. 
Are, of course you'll allow, ' the three It's ! ' " — Judy. 

" My dear," said a jocose farmer to hiB wife, "why iB your deceased 
grandmother like my threshing-machine ? " 

" I don't know ; why 1 " 

" Because she is no more, and my threshing-machine is no mower." 

" That is a good one," said the lady, "and I must go and see if Mrs. Pi- 
krustcan tell." 

When Bhe saw Mrs. Pikrust the lady said : 

" John has just told me such a good conundrum, It is this : ' Why is 
my grandmother like a threshing-machine ' ? " 
Mrs. Pikrust did not know. 

" Because my grandmother is dead and you can't mow with a threshing- 
machine," was the triumphant reply. 



Absent-minded parson to disconsolate widower (whose wife he had 
buried only the week before) : " Well, Mr. Brown, how does your wife 
stand the heat 1 " 



THE MONKEY BARBER'S CARELESS SPEECH. 



" Der longer you can lif the more you shall find, py grashus, owid," said 
the German barber yesterday. He could hardly contain himself or keep his 
face straight. He was shaving a stranger, but was itching to get the re- 
porter in his chair. Presently his chance came. 

" Der monkey parber has got von licking alretty," said he, " und de cam- 



baign has only choost gommenst. Heffen can say vot a lod of lickings he 
shall git uf he ton'd shut uf he ton'd shut up his mout up." 

Then the German barber went on to say that his playful assistant thinks 
himself a thorough politican, and will not learn to keep his views to himself 
in business hours. An Irishman with a face like Tom Nast's pictures of 
John Kelly came in and dropped into the assistant's chair. The young 
barber, supposing he was perfectly safe, began to talk about Blaine's nom- 
ination. 

" He galled Plaine ' der dattooed man,' " said the barber, " und sayt dot 
der Rebublican bardy vos shoost like a Connecticut parrel of abbles. Ven 
der parrel is obened der dop abbles peen pully, put der farder down you 
vent der vorser got der abbles, undil py lasd week nodings vos left in der 
Rebublican parrel put some rodden Sdar route und land-crabbing, offis- 
zeeking abbles, with such a sbeckled ding like Chim Plaine der mittle der 
heap. At last der monkey veller sayB righd owd, 'Nopody but dieves und 
loavers vill vote such a dicket.' 

" Dot durned owid to peen a defhl uf an Irishman. He chumped der 
chair owid, und he sayt : ' I can lick all der Tutchmen vich can be backed 
in Chones's Voots. I am der pouncer from der bublic adores in Voshington 
sdreet, und I fight sooner as I ead.' 

" ' Olt man,' says der monkey parber, 'chump owid und get yourselluf a 
boliceman.' 

" ' Tutchy,' sayt dot vi ightful Irishman, ' ton'd you moof a steb from your- 
selluf, else I shall kill you. I am a Rebublican for Plaine.' 

" ' Kill der poy, ' I sayt ; 'I vond moof in six veeks unless you trop in 
before dot und dell me I shall go. I am der farder of a vife and children.' 

"Yell, sir, dot vrightful Irishman crabbed der monkey parber py der 
droat und mate him ead der whole uf a cupfull uf lather. * Ate it, ye furrin 
nagur,' he said, 'or Oi'll mash yez to mincemate and make yer boss ate yez 
up fur Frankfurter sassidge.' 

" Veil, to make shortness owid uf a long story, dez monkey parber ate der 
soapsuds und bromised to wode mit Blaine, der same dime. Dot's vot 
makes me say, ' Der longer you can lif 3er more you shall find, py grashus, 
owid.' " 

" What did your assistant say when the man went away ? " 

" He sayt, 'Der Rebublican barty ton'd neet Sammy Dilden to kill it. 
Der Irish vill prake it un nrwfrlr o^nrrh now ^pmhaf got der inside uf it in.' " 

HE "SQUZ" HER. 



The Washington Hatchet tells of a grocery which employs a colored 
man on the delivery-wagon. From carrying "bags of flour in and out so fre- 
quently he looks like a "rusty, dusty miller." He lately delivered some 
goods in a kitchen, where was a good-looking colored servant. In a few 
minutes she brought the bill upstairs: "De groceries hab come, and de 
man is waitin' fur his money." 

The master of the house inquired : 

" What's the matter with you, Maria i " 

" Dere ain't nuffin de matter dat I knows on," said she, trying to look 
very innocent. 

" Yes, there is. What have you been doing 1 " 

" 'Deed I ain't been doin' nuffin." 

" Maria," said he, rather sternly, " you'd better own up. How came that 
flour all over the front of your dress ? And your face looks as if it had been 
inside a flour bag. Own up." 

She shifted her weight nervously from one foot to the other, looked 
down upon the whitened front of her dress and finally said : 

" I alius tells de truf, sah. Dat niggah done caught me and squz me, but 
I couldn't help it sah, 'deed I couldn't ! " 

As she went down the gentleman stepped to the head of the Btairs, and 
heard her say : 

' ' De boss done foun' you out, he seed de flour on my dress. Now you'll 
cotch it ! " 

" Lor' bless you soul, honey, you did'n' tell him, did you ? " he said in a 
hoarse whisper. 

" 'Deed I didn't," answered she. "I nevah tells nobody nuffin, I don't." 

" Doan' you do it, now. Doan' you tell him. Kase if you does I'll lose 
my place, shuah." 

And he put the money in his pocket without counting it, and crept out 
so noiselessly that the cat watching a sparrow beside the doorstep never 
ceased to glare upon her prey. 

A VERY BROAD DISTINCTION, 



" Yo' better hide, Uncle Ben," said " Chuck " De Frost to Ben Mundy, 
laying down a jug of molasses, to rest his arm, and leaning against the 
fence. " I shouldn't wonder if the ole lady seen yo' wid dat coat yo' lugged 
off last nite." 

" G'way dar," said Uncle Ben, looking up with the whites of his eyes 
from the onion bed. " S'posin' I did lug off a coat, niggah; dat ain't no 
wuss'n wot yo' done ; " and he nervously chewed an onion top and began to 
weed very fast. "P'raps dey wa'n't no flutterin' ob fedders last nite I — oh, 
no. P'raps yo' didn't tote off a hen ? Oh, no, sutten'ly ; ob course not ! " 

" Sho ! now, Uncle Ben," said " Chuck," looking cautiously around him, 
"I— I — I might have lifted a hen or two off de perch, jes' for 'musement. 
But yo' took a coat ; dat's stealin' ! " 



Laureate Tennyson called Adam that " grand old gardener." A little 
different from witty Mary Montague, who thought him a miserable creature, 
" eating the apple like a sot, then turning informer like a scoundrel." 



Speculative bank presidents must go. 
or later. 



They do go — go to ruin sooner 



Can anybody think why it is dangerous to indulge in "just forty 
winks " when taking a railway journey 1 Can it be because the train runs 
over sleepersj 



12 



THE WASP. 



SHOW NOTES. 



I was more enthusiastic over Bandmann's " Hamlet " than over any performance 
of that much-abused character that I ever saw. He made the sarcasm more biting 
and the rage and anguish more passionate than most actors are capable of doing. Let 
him verge ever so perilously on rant, he never gets so much as a toe over the line. 
"Narcisse" suits him better than "Hamlet," by giving him scope for the qualities 
that make his " Hamlet" interesting. Narcisse, the play, has suggestions of Hamlet 
and Ad; iennc Lccouvreur. A play is devised to touch the conscience of Pompadour, 
like the scheme in Hamlet to catch the conscience of the King, and " Narcisse " enters 
as feverishly into the speech that portrays his own feelings as " Adrienne " into the 
recitation from Phedre. The difference is that Pompadour never even hears the 
tragedy prepared to stun her, the first sound of her injured husband's voice being 
enough to turn the play-acting into earnest, and " Narcisse " makes his great tragic 
effect with the written speech uoon " Doris," the bright little actress, and " Choiseul," 
who is preparing the plot, and not upon the Pompadour, for whom it is prepared. 

The French revolution is the most fascinating epoch in history. Humanity gen- 
erally loses its head so discreetly and covers its tracks so neatly that the immensity of 
the spectacle is lost, but during the revolution the whole nation openly went on the 
rampage. Next in interest are the reigns of those two profligate Louis, XIV. and 
XV., who sowed the wind, leaving poor little Louis XVI. to reap the whirlwind. Be- 
cause it deals with the familiar names and plots of the reign of Louis XV, the play of 
Narcisse gets an added interest. 

Louise Beaudet, adorable as the little duchess of the " Little Duke," and charming 
as the boarding school girl in The Soul of an Actress, was as pretty as ever as the 
comedienne " Doris Quinault," which she played with a certain exuberance not mis- 
placed, considering the character, though she shouted a trifle when she was carried 
away by noble sentiments. 

Miss Vera Vernay, who played. " Pompadour," had a certain likeness to Miss 
Beaudet, was a foreigner, and acted very well. The whole company had the pronun- 
ciation of the French names and words in their lines down to a rigid exactitude that 
was beautiful. It is a pity they are to stay but this week, for they have talent enough 
to make even the Grand Opera House warm again. A. L. T. 

The people of San Francisco know a go -d thing when they hear it, and it has sel- 
dom fallen to the lot of theater-goers in this city to enjoy a more complete performance 
than the Cambeggio-Sieni Opera troupe, now at the California, gave them in Atda. 
The opera itself is of the most exacting nature, as it is written decidedly under the in- 
fluence of Wagner, and is dramatic and declamatory rather than lyric. The sudden 
transitions and fine effects of instrumentation show what Verdi can do in the way of 
good writing, although he has been content to give so much lazily-done work to the 
world. ' The enthusiasm of the public, the crowded houses whenever it is given — and 
it has been frequently put on both by the Kellogg and the Marie-Roze troupe — show 
that there is something which appeals to every one in clear, honest musical phrases, 
unadorned with the vocal embroideries which certain opera-goers insist on calling the 
only enjoyable style of opera. 

The tenor, Signor Francisco Giannini, has a treasure in his throat. His voice is 
strong, pure and sweet, his style perfect, his notes never forced. He seems as fresh 
and untired at the end of his fatiguing role as when he sends out the first soft notes of 
" Celeste A'ida," for which he accepts an encore without pausing to take breath, and 
gives his pianissimos as faultlessly as the first time. Few of those who heard him in 
the heart-breaking duet in the last act will ever forget the impression. The soprano, 
Signora Damerini, was always a little nervous on entering, but gathered courage as she 
went on, and her rendering of " O Cieli Azzuri " was a treat. The audience prevented 
her giving the last three notes of the air by an outburst of applause, but as they are 
difficult intervals and she is suffering from a cold, she probably did not regret the en- 
forced omission. Signora Trinidad Mestres did her best singing and acting in the last 
act, which gives her a fine opportunity. Signor Vilmant as '' Amanasro " showed 
that he has a fine baritone and much dramatic talent. Indeed, one great pleasure in 
the performance of this troupe is the perfect understanding all the principals seem to 
have of the spirit of the composition. 

A great deal of attention has been paid to costumes and all the spectacular por- 
tion, and while none of the singers except the tenor reach the high-water mark of Patti, 
Gerster and Galassi, altogether we may congratulate ourselves on having a more uni- 
formly excellent operatic company than has probably ever been in the city before. The 
thundering applause and ecstatic recalls by the audience are no exaggerated tribute to 
the talents of this unheralded company, who came among us quietly, and knowing 
their own strength, simply said : " Let us show you what we can do." 

At the Baldwin Orpheus and Eurydicc will be run for another week, brightened by 
the introduction of new specialties and popular airs. The next attraction is In the 
Ranks, a play by George R. Sims and Henry Pettitt. The company who produced it 
come from New York and are all well thought of, ditto the scenery and properties. 



A lady in Ashtabula, Ohio, who had a mania for shopping, but who 
seldom bought anything, recently bought a spool of thread after spend- 
ing two hours in looking over the finest goods in the shop. She 
ordered it sent home, and this is how it was sent, according to a local 
chronicler: "A heavy dray drawn by four horses was procured and four 
stalwart laborers with bare arms were placed upon it to hold the spool. 
When the team drove up to her door everybody stared and no one could 
make out the purpose. After a deal of whip cracking and other impressive 
ceremonies, the car was backed against the curb. There, reposing calmly, 
end up, in the center of the cart, was the spool. With the aid of a plank it 
was rolled, barrel fashion, safely to the sidewalk, and after a struggle it 
was 'up-ended' on the purchaser's doorstep." 



A DELICIOUS BEVERAGE. 
One of the best, most palatable, and we may say supeiior beers now in use in our 
city is the "Kaiser," "Salvator" and "Fredericksburg" lager beer, brewed by the 
celebrated Fredericksburg Brewing Company of San Jose. It has become a "house- 
hold word" with all lovers of a genuine glass of lager. Try it. All orders will be 
promptly filled by applying at their general office, 539 California street. 



HER PLEASURE. 

Sitting by a closed window, en- 
gaged in reading or sewing, she 
always felt the cool draft that crept 
in beneath the sash, and it chilled 
her and gave her many a cold, till 
her thoughtful husband purchased 
a pretty little two-leaf screen for 
her which broke the draft and did 
not obscure the light — adding an- 
other to the pleasures he could 
afford her. 

Husbands ! take the hint. Your 
wife or your children are liable to 
take colds from drafts that will 
make them ill and cause you ex- 
pense in bills for medicine. 

It is true that colds are caused 
by drafts, and screens break drafts. 

Ichi Ban, 20—22—24 Geary 
street. The finest store in America, 
has them ranging in price from $2. 50 upwards. 




FOUND AT LAST. 

A pure and wholesome preparation for dressing and promoting the growth of the 
hair, for allaying and preventing inflammation, alleviating and curing ,all ordinary 
diseases of the scalp and skin, August Koehncke's Hair Restorer ; a cure and pre- 
ventative of premature baldness. It is a purely botanical compound, and not a greasy, 
dirty mess. Totally unlike nearly all other preparations for the hair and skin. It 
contains neither mineral, chemical, animal nor vegetable poisons. J. J. Mack & Co., 
9 and 11 Front street, San Francisco, Sole Agent ; or, direct to A. Koehncke, manu- 
facturer, Watsonville, Cal. Sent to any address on receipt of SI ; six bottles, $5. 



YOUNG MEN!— READ THIS. 
The Voltaic Belt Co., of Marshall, Mich., offer to send their celebrated Electro- 
Voltaic Belt and other Electric Appliances on trial for thirty days, to men (young or 
old) afflicted with nervous debility, loss of vitality and manhood, and all kindred 
troubles. Also for rheumatism, neuralgia, paralysis, and many other diseases. Com- 
plete restoration to health, vigor and manhood guaranteed. No risk is incurred as 
thirty days trial is allowed. Write them at once for illustrated pamphlet free. 



A HEALTHY DRINK AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. 
It is important to families as well as first-class saloon men to know that H. L. St. 
John & Co., 14 Hayes street, are making the genuine old-fashioned Eastern Root Beer 
from selected roots and herbs. It is cooling, healthy and delicious, good for old and 
young. It is the cheapest and best drink in the city. One dozen pints only 70 cents, 
one dozen quarts only SI. 10, delivered free to your house. AH bottles have patent 
stoppers. Try the Root Beer. 

READ THIS. 

Mr. A. H. Baldwin {formerly McDowell & Baldwin) of the San Francisco Carpet 
Beating Machine, 1321 and 1323 Market street, has now new machinery throughout. 
Calls for carpets, renovates and relays them all in one day. Refitting carpets a 
specialty. Telephone 3036. Remember, dSTno Chinamen employed at this establish 
ment. 

PHILADELPHIA BREWERY. 

The Philadelphia Brewery has sold during the year 1882 64,188 barrels of beer, 
being twice as much as the next two leading breweries in this city. (See Official 
Report, U. S. Internal Revenue, January, 1883.) The beer from this brewery has a 
Pacific Coast renown unequaled by any other on the Coast 



NATURAL MINERAL WATER. 
The Tolenas Spring Soda, natural mineral water lately introduced here, is re- 
freshing, agreeable and effervescent, cures indigestion, acidity of the stomach, etc. 
Turner Bros. & Co., 217 Commercial street, general agents Pacific coast. 



BURNHAM'S ABIETENE. 
W. W. Haney, 221 Sacramento St., San Francisco, says " Burnham's Abietene " 
cured him of Rheumatism and Kidney trouble after every other remedy failed. He 
used it both internally and externally. It is sold by druggists generally. 



MOST MARKED SUCCESS. 
Messrs. Benham & Eaton, 735 Market street, proprietors of the Model Music 
Store, are agents for the celebrated Hazelton pianos, also the Benham piano ; first- 
class and medium price. Give them a call. 



FINE OLD TABLE WINES. 
Messrs. J. Gundlach & Co., vine growers, corner Market and Second streets, 
make a great specialty of fine old table wines, their own production from their own 
extensive vineyards in Sonoma county. 



HAVE YOUR JEWELRY, FANS, WATCHES, ETC. REPAIRED. 

If you want your jewelry, watches, clocks, fans, etc. neatly repaired and made as 
good as new, go to S. J. Pembrooke, watchmaker and jeweler, 212 O'Farrell street, 
near Powell. 



Who desire to keep the 
Covers. Price, Fifty Cents. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
' WASP " on file, can now be 



again supplied with 



38 Cough Mixture has no equal. While taking 38 Cough Mixture you can con- 
tinue your usual avocation. 38 Cough Mixture will cure your cold quicker than any 
other remedy ; other remedies are good, but 38 Cough Mixture will cure any and all 
kinds of colds with less trouble than any other kind. For sale by all druggists. B. J. 
Rhodes & Co., manufacturers, San Jose, Cal. 



J. P. Tenthorey & Co., 55S Mission street, have always on hand for the trade the 
finest Maccaroni, Vermicelli, Farina and paste of all descriptions in French and Italian 
style. 43TNo retail in our factory. 



THE WASP. 



13 



A CRUEL SHOCK, 



Dressed for church, she stood before the mirror admiring herself, and 
mentally observed that she never had appeared more lovely. Thecandid 
critic, however, would have declared that her figure was not in just propor- 
tion, for she was very tall and thin, and her height seemed greater than it 
actually was, in consequence of a bunch of ostrich plumes that floated in 
snowy masses over her hat. 

(< Yes, I know I am handsome," she said, "but I can't help it" ; and, 
turning to go out, caught sight of her little brother standing in the door- 
way. 

" What are you doing there, Bob ? " she asked, sharply. 

" Looking at you, Fanny," returned the artless child. 

" What do you want to be staring at me for i " 

" 'Cause you look just like a feather duster." 
And sitting all alone in church that morning, she wondered how ahe 
would feel if Bob got the measles- and died. 



A pretty Boston schoolma'am and a youth of mien sedate were parting 
in the evening beside the garden gate. His hand and heart he offered in a 
grave and sober way, and she, with a quiet dignity, had named the happy 
day. Ho lingered at the gate with her, arid-said in accents low : " T-h-there 
is a little favor I would ask before I go — a favor never asked before ; sweet 
maiden, it is this : A lover's privilege — that is all — a sweet betrothal kiss." 
"If you'll wait," the maiden whispered, with her color rising high, " till I 
remove my spectacles, I'll willingly comply. — SomerviUe Journal. 



Nineteenth 

INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION 

MECHANICS' FAIR 

SAN FRANCISCO, 18S4, 

OPENS AUGUST 5TC ; CLOSES SEPTEMBER 
liTll. MECHANICAL PROGRESS, IN- 
VENTION, ART and NATURAL PRODUCTS 
will be represented by the best obtainable ex- 
hibits on this eoast. Art 

INSTRUMENTAL CONCERT 

by an efficient orchestra each afternoon and 
evening-. 

PREMIUMS. 

Medals of gold, silver and bronze, diplomas 
and cash will be awarded as premiums to 
meritorious exhibits. 

ADMISSION. 

Double season tickets, S5; single season, §3; 
apprentice season, S1.60; child's, $1.50; adult 
single admission, 50 cents ; child's, 25 cents ; 
SEASON TICKETS To MEMBERS OF THE 
INSTITUTE AT HALF-RATES. 

Any desired information given or sent on ap- 
plication to the SECRETARY, 31 Post Street. 
P. B. CORNWALL, President. 

J. H. Culver, Secretary. 



CALIFORNIA 

SUCARREFINERY 

OFFICE, 327 MAKKFT ST. 
REFINERY, ... POTRERO. 



CLAUS SPKECKELS President 

J. D. SPRECKELS Vice-President 

A. B. SPRECKELS Secretary 



THE 



WALL PAPERS, 

FRESCOING, 

INTERIOR DECORATING, 

WINDOW SHADES, 

G. W. CLARK & CO. 

C45 and 617 MARKET ST. 



DIVIDEND NOTICE. 

THE GERMAN SAVINGS AND 
LOAN SOCIETY. 

For the half year ending June 30, 1884, the 
Board of Directors of THE GERMAN SAVINGS 
AND LOAN SOCIETY has declared a dividend 
on Term Deposits at the rate of four and 
thirty-two one hundredths (4 32-100) per cent. 
per annum, and on Ordinary Deposits at the 
rate of three and six-tenths (3 6-10) per cent, 
per annum, and payable on and after the let 
day of July. 1884 By order, 

GEO. LETTE, Secretary 



HAWAIIAN HOTEL 



Honolulu, H. I. 



This house has been entirely renovated and 
extended, and under the new management will 
be conducted with particular reference to the 

Comfort and Convenience 

—OF— 

TOURISTS. 

The Hotel is most delightfully situated, and 
the Cuisine is equal to that of the Leading 
Metropolitan Hotels of the United States. 



GEO. H. FASSETT, 

Manager. 

THE £TNAJPRINCS. 

To the highly curative proprieties of these 
waters and the charms of the place is added an 
elegant and capacious Swimming Bath. 

These waters purify the blood, refresh, renew 
and restore the whole system. 

They cure Rheumatism, Sciatica, Dyspepsia, 
Erysipelas, Kidney and Liver Diseases, Chronic 
Diarrhoea, Paralysis and Pulmonary Complaints 
in the early stages. 

These waters are a specific in cases of Malaria, 
Chill and Ague Fever. 

They afford magical relief in cases of Nervous- 
ness, Sleeplessness and GeneFal Debility. 

Visitors leave San Francisco at 8 A. M. for St. 
Helena, thence by daily stage (Sundays ex- 
ception, arriving at the /Etnas at 5 p. M. 

For Pamphlet containing Analysis and Cures, 
address Wffl. BUKNEIX, Sup't, or WM. 
El. LI DULL, Proprietor, Udell 1*. O., 
Napa « <►., Cal. 



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ALLi;\ »V CO., Augusta, Maine. 



DR. SPINNEY, 

NO. 1 1 hi t KM ST., 
Trent h ull Chronic and Special Dl»eases 

YOUNG HEN. 

The following symptoms are frequently met 
with among young men : 

Loss of Memory and Energy, Eyes growin 
Weak, Eruptions on the Forehead, Unrcf resiling 
Sleep, Bad Feeling on rising in the Morning, 
Loss of Appetite, Palpitation of the Heart, 
Despondency, Timidity, Brooding over the Past, 
Apprehensions for the Future, Aversion to So- 
ciety, an unnatural preference for Solitude, and 
many others. These are the results of youthful 
follies or indiscretions, and those suffering from 
any or all of them will do well to avail them- 
selves of this, the greatest boon ever laid at the 
altar of suffering humanity. DR. SPINNEY 
will guarantee to forfeit $500 for a case of any 
kind or character which he undertakes and fails 
to cure. 

MIDDLE-AGED MEN. 

There are many at the age of thirty to sixty 
who are trouble with diseases of Kidney and 
Bladder and a weakening of the system in a 
manner the patient cannot account for. Many 
men die of this difficulty, ignorant of the cause. 
Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure in all a uch 
cases, and a healthy restoration of the affected 
parts. 

Office Hours— 10 to 4 and 6 to 8. Sundays, 
from 10 to 11 a.m. Consultation free. Thorough 
examination and advice $5. Call or address, 
DR. SPINNEY & CO., 11 Kearny St., S. F. 



DR. ALLEN'S 

PRIVATE DISPENSARY, 

26J Kearnt Strbkt, San Francisco, Cal. 

Established for theScientific and Speedy Cure of 

Chronic, Nervous and Special Diseases. 

THE EXPERT SPECIALIST, 

r. Allen, is a regular Physician from University 
of Michigan. He is acknowledged to be the most 
expert Surgeon in his specialty on the Pacific 
Coast. 

YOUNG MEN 
And MIDDLE-AGED MEN, who suffer from the 
effects of Youthful Indiscretions or Excesses in 
maturer years, Nervous and Physical Debility, 
loss of energy and memory, etc., remember I 
have a Vegetable Compound, the result of many 
years of special practice, which under my special 
advice has never failed of success in the cure of 
weakness, kidney and bladder diseases, etc. 

Hospital Experience, 
(Having been Surgeon in two leading hospitals) 
enables me to treat all private troubles with ex- 
cellent results. I wish it distinctly understood 
that I do not claim to perform impossibilities. 
I claim only to be a skilful and sucessful Phy- 
sician and Surgeon, thobouquly informed in my 
specialty — 

Diseases of Man. 

All will receive my nonest opinion of their 
complaints — no experimenting. I will guarantee 
a positive cure in every case I undertake, or 
forfeit SI, 000. Consultation in office or by letter 
free and strictly private. Charges moderate. 
Call or address DR. ALLEN, 

26 1-2 Kearny street, San Francisco, Cal. 



To the Unfortunate I 
Dr Gibbon's Dispensary. 

D*0 NY St 
San Francisco— Es- 
tablished in 1854 for 
the treatment and 
cure of Special Dis- 
eases, nervous and 
physical Debility, or 
diseases wearing on 
body and mind, per- 
manently CURED. 
The sick and afflict- 
ed should not fall 
>. to call upon him. 
„,_Jg§SpjThe Doctor has tra- 
veled extensively"?!! Europe, and inspected 
thoroughly the hospitals there, obtaining a 
great deal of valuable information, which he 
is competent to impart to those in need of 
his services. The Doctor cures when other 
fail. Try him. DR. GIBBON will make no 
charge unless he effects a cure. Persons at a 
distance may be CURED AT HOME. All 
communications strictly confidential. Charge 
resonable. Oall or write. Address DR. J. 
F. GIBBON, Box 1957, San Francisco. Men- 
tion the WASP. 




THE 



WHITE HOUSE, 



Honolulu, H. I. 



Guests visiting the Islands can secure com- 
fortable Rooms, with or without Board, at 
Reasonable FigureB. 

MRS. JAMES T. WHITE, 
Proprietress. 




Recommended by the Faculty- 

TAR RANT' S 

COMPOUND EXTRACTS 

— OF — 

Cubebs and Copaiba. 

This compound is 
superior to any pre- 
paration hitherto in- 
\ vented, combining in 
& very highly concen- 
trated state the med- 
ical properties of the 
Cubebs and Copaiba. 
One recommendation 
this preparation en- 
joys over all others 
is its neat, portable 
form, put up in pets; 
the mode in which it may be taken is both 
pleasant and convenient, being in the 
form of a paste, tasteless and does not 
impair the digestion. Prepared only by 
TABFvANT & CO.. 
Druggist and Chemists, 278 and 280 
Greenwich street, New York. 

Foe Sale By All Dbtjogists. 



LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

01' MEAT. Finest and cheapest Meat Fla- 
vouring Stock for Seupa, Made Dishes and 
Sauces. Annual Sule, 8,000,000 jarB. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. An invaluable tonic. " Ib a 
Buccess and a boon for which natione 
Bhould feel grateful." ■ — See " Medical 
PreBS," " Lancet," &o. 

Genuine only with the fao-simile of Baron 
Liebig's Signature in Blue Ink acroBs the 
Label. The title" Baron Liobig" and photo- 
graph having been largely UBed by dealers 
with no connection with Baron Liebig, 
the public are informed that the Liebig 
Company alone can offer the article with 
Baron Liebig's guarantee of genuineness. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. To be had of all Storekeepers, 
Grocers and ChemiBts. Sole Agents for the 
United StateB I wholesale only) C. David & 
Oo.,9,Fenchurch Avenue, London, England. 

Sold wholesale by UICIIAKDS A 
HARRISON, San ft'riilicisco. 



OCEANIC STEAMSHIP CO. 

J. D. SPRECKELS & BBO'S, 
327 Market Street, 

OWNEHB OF 

Spreckels' Line of Packets. 

Paekages and Freight to Honolulu. 



DEALERS IN FURS. 

Alaska Commercial Co., 
310 Sansome Street, 

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. 



Wholesale 



THE SOUTH BKITISH AND 

NATIONAL INS. CO. 
W. J. CALLINGHAM & CO., 

Ho. 218 SANSOME ST.. HAN PRANOISOO 

Send six cents for post- 
age, and receive free, a 
costl ? box of goods which 
will help all.of either sex, 
to more money right away than anything else in 
this world. Fortunes await the workers abso- 
lutely sure. At once address True & Co., Au- 
gusta, Maine. 



A PRIZE.; 



SANT1NELI 



Cures all recent and chronic urinary diseases. 
Directions in all languages. Sold by all Drug- 
gists at S1.00 a bottle, or sent by express on 
receipt of price, secure from observation. I'air- 
iiiouui CUeiulcal Co., Cincinnati, Ohio, U. 
S.A. 



14 



THE WASP. 



THE KITCHEN CLOCK, 



Knitting is the maid of the kitchen, Milly, 
Doing nothing sits the chore-boy, Billy ; 
;< Seconds reckoned, 
Seconds reckoned ; 
Every minute, 
Sixty in it. 
Milly, Billy, 
Billy, Milly, 
Tick-tock, tock-tick. 
Nick-knock, knock-nick, 
Knockety-nick, nickety-knock " — 
Goes the kitchen clock. 

Closer to the fire is rosy Milly, 
Every whit as close and cosy, Billy ; 
' Time's a flying, 
Worth your trying ; 
Pretty Milly— 
Kiss her, Billy ! 
Milly, Billy, 
Billy, Milly. 
Tick-tock, tock-tick, 
Now — now, quick, quick ! 
Knockety-nick, nickety-nock "— 
Goes the kitchen clock. 

Something's happened ; very red is Milly ; 
Billy boy is looking very silly ; 
' Pretty misses, 
Plenty kisses ; 
Make it twenty, 
Take a plenty. 
Billy, Milly, 
Milly, Billy, 
Right-left, left-right. 
That's right, all right, 
Skippety-nick, rippety-knock " — 
Jumps the kitchen clock. 

— B. V. Cheney. 




" See What Cuticura Does for Me ! " 
JNFANTILE and Birth Humors, Milk Crust, Scaled 
Head, Eczemas, and every form of Itching, Scaly, 
Pimply, Scrofuluous and Inherited Diseases of the Blood, 
Skin and Scalp, with Loss of Hair, cured by the Cuti- 
OURA Remedies. Absolutely pure and safe. Cuticura, the 
great Skin Cure, 50 cents ; Cuticura Soap, an exquisite 
Skin Beautifier and only Medicinal Baby Soap, 25 cents, 
and Cuticura Resolvent, the new Blood Purifier, SI, are 
sold by druggists. Potter Drug and Chemical Co., Bos- 
ton. Send for " How to Cure Skin Diseases." 




ECa & 3XT o IE c£*u. a, 1 ! 

Strongest, Purest, Best mid Most Econom- 
ical in the Market. 

Never Varies in Quality. 

Recommended to CONSUMERS by leading Physi- 
cians, Chemists and members of the San 
Francisco Board of Health. 

PREPARED BY THE 

BOTHIN MANUFACTURING COMPANY, 

San I EANCI8CO and Sacramento. 



THE NARROW GUAGE. 



Letters of credit — c-r-e-d-i-t. 



On one of the Southern railroads there is a sta- 
tion called "Sawyer." Lately a newly-married 
couple boarded the train and were very loving in- 
deed. The brakeman noticed the gushing groom 
kiss the bride about two hundred times, but main- 
tained a serene quiet. Finally the station in ques- 
tion was reached, and just after the whistle 
sounded the groom gave the bride a rousing smack 
on the lip, and the brakeman opened the door and 
shouted : 

" Sawyer ! Sawyer ! " 

" What's that 1 " responded the groom, looking 
over his shoulder at the brakeman. 

" Sawyer," replied the brakeman. 

" Well, I don't care a d — n if you did ; she's my 
wife. " 



Two easy chairs, a veranda wide, 
A corner hid from the light inside ; 
Rare roses around — 

* ■*■ # * 

And he holds her hand ; 

With perfumed zephyrs her cheeks are fanned. 

All honeyed words are the words she hears. 
' Will he, to-night?" and she hopes and fears. 

Then all is still, and old Time is fleet ; 

All that she hears is her own heart beat. 

As the lights go out in deserted halls, 

Gently a head on a shoulder falls, 

Gently an arm steals around a waist, 

A lock and a ringlet are misplaced. 
' He'll surely speak, oh, that little word ! " 

Her willing soul with a thrill is stirred. 
( Are you fond of codfish balls ?" said he, 
' I never attended one," said she. 



Venerable Lady (who has been looking on the 
wine when it was red) to her image in advertising 
mirror; Ci What d'ye mane, ye durty ould oma- 
dhaun, shakiu' yer fisht at a dacent woman ? G'laDg 
wid yez, or I'll scratch the ugly eyes out av the 
dhrunken face av ye ! " (Combat.) 



Will Havens serenaded his girl last night, and 
when he got through singing the first song a female 
Irish voice was heard at a front upper story window, 
as to wit : 

"Is that you, Billy?" 

c< Yes ; where's Mamie 1 " 

"Faith an' she hain't got home from the ice- 
cranie saloon yit wid Mr. Archer. Give us another 
song, Bill ; the ould folks are out, too. Give us 
' Swate Violets. ' " 



The spirit of the times — Alcohol. 



NOTABLE MEMBERS OF CONGRESS. 



First Old Gentleman : Who is that handsome 
young man standing there 1 

Second Old Gentleman : That's my daughter's 
husband ; very brilliant young man — he made a for- 
tune through the law. 

First : Indeed ! 

Second : Yea : the law made me his father. 



You kissed me at the gate last night, 
And mother heard the smack ; 

She says, " It's naughty to do so," 
So please to take it back. 

I said " You did not ask my leave," 
She said, " Oh, fie, for shame ! " 

So please to take it back to-night, 
Or I must bear the blame. 

I would not have you think it's me ; 

No, I don't care a mite, 
But mother's so particular — 

So take it back to-night. 



c ' I feel like a morning star," said a cheerful hus- 
band, as he chucked his wife under the chin. 

"Yes," she replied, "you look as though you 
had been out all night." 



What is this ? 

This, darling, is a financier. 
What does a financier do for a living ? 
He finances. 
What is it he finances 1 
Finance. 

Finance ! oh, that is very funny, isn't it 1 
Very. 

But what is really his business 1 
Managing other people's money. 
But does he never manage his own ? 
Oh, yes. 
When ? 

When he has got through managing other people's. 
-Life. 



The rarest flower in the House — Rosecrans. 

The drollest row — Muldrow. 

The strangest wood— Ellwood. 

The oldest tree — Ochiltree. 

The queerest fish — Ermentrout. 

The oldest landmark — Eld-ridge. 

The healthiest member — Hardy. 

The hardest member — Harpeman. 

The dressiest member — Lacey. 

The shadiest member — Cosgrove. 

The starchiest members — Rice, Murphy. 

The firiest members — Hopburn, Washburne 
Blackburne. 

The most patient member — Wait. 

The most promising — Budd. 

The most innocent — Lamb. 

The most autocratic — Holmes. 

The most hospitable — Graves. 

The most unutterable — Hoblitzell. 

The most aristocratic — Blount, Talbot. 

The best society man — Converse. 

The best boatman — Rowell. 

Best man at the wheel— Potter. 

The best gymnasts — Turner, Springer. 

The greatest historian — Robertson. 

The greatest sea-captain — Nelson. 

The greatest poet — Burns. 

Greatest orator — Tulley. 

The most notorious novelist and most brilliant 
bandit — James. 

Most belies his name — Lyman. 

Most applauded in debate — Hitt. 

Most frequently thrown in debate — Stone. 

Best man for a bushwhacking argument — Mor- 
gan. 

Best man to hunt the eggs — Find-lay. 

Best man for the garden — Dibble. — The Judge. 




To the needs of the tourist, 
commercial traveler and new 
settler, Hostetter's Stomach 
Bitters is peculiarly adapted, 
since it strengthens the di- 
gestive organs and braces the 
physical energies to unhealth- 
ful influences. It removes 
and prevents malarial fever, 
constipation, dyspepsia, 
healthfully stimulates the 
kidneys and bladder, and en- 
riches as well as purifies the 
blood. When overcome by 
fatigue, whether mental or 
physical, the weary and de- 
bilitated find it a reliable 
source of renewed strength 
and comfort. 

For sale by all Druggists 
and Dealers generally. 



30 DAYS TRIAL. 

To Voiin^, old, rich or poor, 
both sexes— stop drugging, 
and cure yourself with" OR. 
HORNE'S (New Improved) 
ElectricEelt. Electricity 1b 
Lift*, and a lack of it Is ]Sla- 
easeand Death, Thousands 
testify to its priceless value. 
80,000 cures reported in 1B83, 
'Whole family can wear Jsame Belt- Cures without medi- 
cine. Pains in the Back, Hips, Head or Limbs, Nervous 
Debility, Lumbago, General Debility, Ilheimiatfam, Par- 
alysis, Neuralgia, Seialica, Disease of Kidneys. Spinal 
Diseases, Torpid Liver, Gout, Asthma, Heart Disease, 
Dyspepsia, Constipation, Erysipelas, Indigestion, Rup- 
ture. Catarrh, Piles, Kpileps v. Apue, Diabetes. Send stamp 

lor Pamphlet. W. J. HOEKE, 702 Market St., San Fran- 
cisco, Cal. Inventor, Proprietor and Manufacturer. 




WEAK, UNDEVELOPED PARTS 


OF THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED, 


STRBNC5THKNED, Etc., is an i nicest in R advertisement 


long run in our paper. Inreplrtoinquiries.wawiHsaytnat 


there is no evidence of humbug about this. On the contrary, 


the advertisers arc very highly indorsed. Interested persona 


dj^iy eel sealed circulars fiivJncall |iarr i i,\ir . bv addressing 


Erik MKDirjAtCo., Buffalo, W. V.— Toledo Evmlnp Bee. 





•fi% RUPTURE 

V\,V ///^^gPositively cured in 60 days by 
^^"•L^f&r/Jiii: Jlome'n Elect rii-Mucnctie 
HcIt-TrusM, combined. Guaran- 
teed the only one in the world 
r.- -^"generating 1 ;i eoni in nuns Elt-ctricdb Mag- 
%J/Mf iu-li>- Cifi-tiit. Scientific, Powerful, Durable, 
* "^ Comfortable and Effective In curing Rup. 
ture. Price Reduced. 5<>Ocnredin ^'A. Send I'm- pamphlet 
ELECTKO-flLVGKKTK! THINS COMPA5ri\ 

703 JlAllKJiT JiTIU'-ET, KAN PltANCtSCO. 




LADY AGENTS; 



can secure 
. _ permanent 
employment and good salary 
selling Queen City Sliirtand 
StockingSiipportereetc Sam- 
ple outntfree. Address Queen 
City Suspender Co., Cincinnati, 0. 



THE WASP. 



15 



PACIFIC COAST 
STEAMSHIP COMPANY. 



Steamers of this Company will 
boat (rem Broadway Wharf, San 
Francisco, forporta in California, 
^Oregon, Washington and Idaho 
territories, British Columbia and Alaska, as fol 
lows : 

California Southern Const Rome. 
Steamers will sail about ever)- second day a. m. 
for the following ports (excepting San Diego, 
every fifth dav). "*: Santa Cruz, Monterey, 
Ban Simeon, Cayucos, Port Harford, San Luis 
Obispo, Gaviota, Santa Barhar>, Ventura, Hue- 
Bome, Smn Pedro Los An _■ ..■!._■- asd San Diego. 

British Columbia and Alaska Bonte. 

—Steamship IDAHO, carrying 0. S. Miyils, sails 
from Portland, Oregon, id >r about the fith of 
each month, for Port Townsend, W. T., Vict >ria, 
and Nanaimo, B. C, Fort Wrangel, Sitka and 
Harrlsburg, Alaska, connecting at Port Town- 
•end with Victoria and Putrt-t -ound. Steamer 
tearing San Francisco on or about the 1st of 
the same month. 

Victoria and Pnget Sound Bonte.— 

The Steamers QUEEN OF PACIFIC and MEX- 
ICO, carrying Her Britanic Majesty's and 
United States mails, sail from Broadway Wharf, 
San Francisco, at 10 a. m., on July 2d, 10th, 
18th, 26th and Aug. 3d, and every- eighth dav 
thereifter for Victoria, B. C, Port Townsend, 
Seattle, Tacoma, Steilajoom and Olympia, mak- 
ing close connection with steamboats, etc. , for 
Skagit River and Cassiar Mines, Nanaimo, New 
Westminster, Yale, Sitka and all other impor- 
tant points. Returning, leave Seattle and Port 
Townsend on July 2d, 10th, 18th, 27th, and 
every eighth day thereafter, and Victoria at 
12 m. on July 3d, 11th, 10th, 28th, and every 
eighth day thereafter. 

Portland. Oregon, Route.— The Oregon 
Railway and Navigation Company and the Pa- 
cific Coast Steamship Company dispatch from 
Spear Street Wharf one of the steamships 
STATE OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON or CO- 
LUMBIA, carrying the United States Mail. 
Sailing days— July 3d, 8th, 13th, 18th, 23d, 
28th and August 2d, and every following fifth 
day for Portland »nd Astoria, Oregon. 

Eureka and Humboldt Bay Route.— 

Steamer CITY OF CHESTER sails from San 
Francisco for Eureka, Areata, Hookton (Hum- 
bolt Ray) every Wednesday at 9 A. M. 

Point Arena and Mendocino Ronte.— 

Steamer YAQUINA sails from Broadway 
Wharf, San Francisco, at 8 p. m. every Monday 
for Point Arenas, 011116/8 Cove, Little River 
and Mendocino. 

TICKET OFFICE, 214 Montgomery St. 

(Opposite the Russ House) 

G00DALL, PERKINS & CO,, General Agents 
No. 10 Market St., San Francisco. 



The Great Burlington Route 

CHICAGO, BURLINGTON & 
QUINCY RAILROAD. 

EASTWARD. 



Is The Old Favorite and Phinoipal 

Line Feom 

omaha, kansas city, atchison 

and ST. JOSEPH 

For CHICAGO, 

ST. LOUIS, 

MILWAUKEE, 

Detroit, Niagara Falls, 
NEW YORK, BOSTON, 

And all points East and Southeast. 

THE LINE COMPRISES nearly 4,000 
mileB. Solid, Smooth Steel Track. All 
connections are made in UNION DE- 
POTS. It has a National Reputation as 
being THE GREAT THROUGH CAR- 
LINE and iB universally conceded to be 
the FINEST EQUIPPED railroad in the 
World for all classes of travel. 

Try it, and you will find traveling a 
luxury instead of a discomfort. 

Through Tickets via this celebrated line, 
for sale at all offices in the West. 

All information about Rates of Fare, 
Sleeping - Car Accommodations, Time 
Tablea, etc., will be cheerfully given by 
applying to 

PERCEVAL LOWELL, 
Gen'l Passenger Agt., Chicago, IIls^ 

T. J. POTTEB, 

Gen'l Manager, Chicago. Ills. 

T D. McKAY, General Agent 

Hanibal and St. Joseph and 
Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroads, 
33 Montgomery Street. 



SOUTH PACIFIC COAST 
RAILROAD. 

Passenger Trains leave Station, foot of Market 
street, South Side at 

8 .Qil A - M., daily, Alvarado, Newark, Cen- 
lOU terville, Alvieo, Santa Clara, SAN 
JOSE, Los Gatos, Wrights, Glcnwood, Felton, 
Big Tree?, SANTA CRUZ and all Way Stations. 

2 .On '"■ M (except 8unday), Express: Mt. 
■ Oil Eden, Alvarado, Newark, Centervillc, 
Alviso, Agnews, Santa Clara, SAN JOSE, Los 
Oatosand all Btation to SANTA CRUZ. 

4, lift P. M., daily, for SAN JOSE, Los Gatos 
• OU and intermediate points. SATUR- 
DAYS and SUNDAYS to SANTA CRUZ. 

tf»C EXCURSIONS TO SANTA CRUZ AND 
00 sVi.50 to SAN JOSE, on SATURDAYS 
and SUNDAYS, to return until MONDAY, In- 
elusive. 

8rtA A. M., every Sunday, excursion to 
■ UU SAN JOSE, BIG TREES and SANTA 
CRUZ. 

(JJO to BIG TREES and SANTA CRUZ. 
mi -TE to SANTA CLARA and SAX JOSE. 

TO OAKLAND AND ALAMEDA. 

§6.00, §6.30, 57.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 
10.00, 10.30, 11.00, 11.30 A. M. H12.00, 12.30, 
"II 00, L30, «|2.00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 4 00, 4.30, 5.00 
6.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 8.30, 10.45, 11.45 P.M. 

From Fourteenth and Webster streets. 
Oakland- 55.30, 40.00, 56.30, 7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 
8.30, 9.00, 130, 10.00, 10.30, "111.00, 11.30 A. M. 
•112.00, 12.30, HI. 00, 1.30, 2.00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 
4.00, 4.30, 5.00, 5.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 9.30, 
10.45, 11.45 P. M. 

From High street, Alameda— 85.16, §6.46, 
56.16, 6.46, 7.16, 7.46, 8.16, 8.46. 9.16. 9.46, 
10.16, "110.46, 11.16. f 11.46 A. M. 12.16, 112.46, 
1.16, 1.46, 2.16. 2.46, 3.16, 3.46, 4 16,4.46, 5.16, 
5.46, 6.16, 6.46, 7.16, 9.10, 11.31 P. M. 

§ Sundays excepted. 

1 Saturdays and SundayB only. 

TICKET, Telegraph and Transfer offlceB 222 
Montgomery street, S. F. 

L. FILLMORE, R. M. GARRATT, 

.Superintendent G. F. & P. Agt. 



The Cocoa Crop is Short 



Look Out for Adulterations. 



By Using 

WALTER BAKER & CD'S 

Chocolate 

You will be Sure of Secur- 
ing the Best. 

WH, T. COLEMAN A CO. 

Sole Agents" 




GREAT ENGLISH 
REMEDY 

Is a certain cure (or 
Nervous Debility, 
Lost Vitality, and 
all the evil effects of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. 
DR. MINTIE.who 
a regular physi- 
cian, graduate oi 
the University of 
Pennsylvania, will agree to forfeit Five Hun- 
bred DoLLAPa for a case of the kind the VITAL 
RESTORATIVE (under his special advice and 
treatment) will not cure. Price 81.60 a bottle ; 
four times the quantity, $5. Sent to any address, 
Confidentially, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D., No. 
II Kearny street, S. F. Send for pamphlet. 

SiMPLE BOTTLE, FREE, will be sent to any 
one applj-ing by letter, stating symptoms, Bex 
and age. Strict secrecy in all transactions. 



THE AMERICAN 

SUGAR REFINERY, 

San Francisco. 

Manufacturers of all classes of Refined 

Sugars, Including Loaf Sugar 

for Export. 

C. ADOLPHE LOW & CO., 

AGENT8. 
Office, 208 California St. 



D= THOMAS HALL'S 




ABSOLUTELY PURE 

A delightful appetizer, giving tone and strength 
to the stomach, and as a tonic beverage it has no 
equal; will cure Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Fever 
and Ague, Biliousness, General Debility and 
kindred diseases. 

This tonic is most beneficial in its results; it 
braces the system, creates an appetite, and de- 
stroys that wretched feeling of ennui which we 
constantly labor under in this enervating climate. 
The tonic for its mqdicul qualities excelB anv 
other ever offered to the public, having taken the 
first premium at the fairs of Sacramento, San 
Jose, Stockton, Oakland and San Francisco for 
absolute purity, made from pure California Port 
Wine, Wine of Pt-psin and Elixir Calisaya. 

laTFor sale everywhere throughout the State. 
Depot at J AMES H. GATES' drug store, cor. New 
Montgomery and Howard streets. San FranciBCO. 




DB. LIKRHi'S 

WONDERFUL 

GERMAN 
INVIGORATOR, 

The greatest remedy 
for the cure of Nervous 
and Physical Debility, 
Vital Exhaustion, 
Weakness, Loss of Vi- 
tality, and all the re- 
sults of isdiscretionB, etc. The German Treat- 
ment prevents permanently all unnatural losses 
from the system. 

The Doctor, a regular college physician from 
Europe, will agree to forfeit S1.000 for a case un- 
dertaken not cured. The reason thousands can- 
not get cured of Weakness, Lost Vitality, and 
the above Diseases is owing to a complication 
called PROSTATORRHEA, with Hyperesthesia, 
which requires special treatment. 

DR. LIEBIG'S INVIGORATOR No. 2 is the 
only POSITIVE CURE for PROSTATORRHEA. 
Price of either Invigorator $2; case of six bot- 
tle, 810. 

DR LIEBIG & CO., for the past seventeen 
years have made an exclusive specialty of Dis- 
eases of Men. Disease, however induced, speed- 
ily, thoroughly and permanently cured, recent 
cases in a few days; inveterate cases skillfully 
treated; chajges moderate. 

If pimples appear on the face, if you become 
listless and despondent loot out for the compli- 
cation with Vital Weakness and loss of Vitality 
known aa Proatatorrhea. Hundreds of lives 
have been lost for the want of proper treatment 
for this complication, and thousands have lost 
all their property and pleasure in life trom its 
effects. A perfect and permanent cure will be 
guaranteed in any case undertaken, under our 
special advice and treatment. 

Call or address DR. LIEBIG & CO., 400 
Geary street, San Francisco. Private en- 
trance, 405 Mason street, four blocks up 
Geary street from Kearny, 

Moat Powerful Electric Belts free to patients. 

£3T To prove the wonderful power of the IN- 
VIGORATORS a 82 bottle given free. 

Consultation, advice and examination free and 
private. ■ 



J. D.SPRECKELS & BROS., 

Shipping and Commission 

M!e rchants. 



AGENTS FOR 

sprockets' Line of Hawaiian Packets, 
8. S. Hepworlh's Centrifugal Ma- 
chines, Reed's Patent Pipe 
and Boiler Covering. 

No. 327 Market Street, 

Corner Fremont SAN FRANCISCJ 



BILLIARDS. 



P. LLESENFELD, Manufacture. 

ESTABLISHED 1859. 

SOLS AGKKT8 POH TUX ONLY OBNtHKB 

Patent Steel Plate Cushion, 

Guaranteed for Ten Years. 

The Most Elegant Stock of Billiard and 

Pool Tables on tbe Pacific Coast. 

9 4 5 Folsom Street, 

NEAR SIXTH. 



Prices 20 per cent. Lower than any 
other lloiute on the Coast. 

£&■ SEND FOR A CATALOGUE. *« 




tW CUB.18 WITH 
UNFAILING OBB* 
tainty Nervous 
and Physical De 
bility. Vital Ex- 
hauBtion, Weak- 
ness, Loas of Vi- 
tality, and all the 
terrible results'ol 
excesses and Indis- 
cretions. It pre- 
vents permanent- 
y all weakening 
drains upon the 
the system. Permanent uures Guaranteed. 
I rice $2.50 per bottle, or five bottles $10.00. 
To be had only of DR. C. D. SALPIELD, 316 
Kearny street, tan Francisco. 

TRIAL BOTTLE FREE, 
Sufficient to show its merit, will be sent to any 
one applying; by letter, stating his symptoms and 
age.. Communications strictly confidential. 



WILLIAMS, DIMOND & CO, 

SHIPPING AND 

Commission Merchants, 

UNION B LOG K, 
Junction Market and Pine Streets, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



AGENTS FOB PACIFIC MAIL S. 8, 
Co.; the Pacific Steam Navigation Co.; the' 
Cunard Royal Mail S. S. Co. ; the Hawaiian Line;, 
the China Traders' Insurance Co. <Limited); the 
Marine Insurance Co. of London; the Baldwin 
Locomotive Works; the Glasgow Iron Co.; Nich, 
Ashton & Son's Salt. 



Opera Glasses 

THE LATEST JUST RECEIVED. 



I863. 0ni y Pebble Estab'm't. 1884. 




MULLER'S OPTICAL DEPOT. 




135 MONTGOMERY STREET, 
Near Bash. 

Orders by Mail or Express Promptly 
Attended (o. 

Compound Astigmatic Lenses 

Mounted to order at wo hoars notice. 

The Most Complicated Cafes of Defective Vision 
thoroughly Diagnosed FREE OF CHARGE. 



THE WASP. 




SCHMIDT LABELS LITHO CO..SAN FRANCISCO. 



IRISH TAFFY. 



D. W. LAIRD, Slag Francisco Jewelry Manufactory, 27 ^QgSL, ,g T - 



ESTABLISHED 1868. 

W. K.VANDERSLICE&CO. 

1IIJI FAt'TI'BIXG 

Jewelers and 
Silversmiths, 

136 SUTTER ST. 

Howard, Waltham & Elgin 

WATCHES. 

DIAMONDS. 

Orders by Mali "ill rrrclve Prompt 

and Careful Attention, Koods Kent 

to uuy part of the Mate or 

Territories 



FIRE. 




Optical Institute, 427 Kearny 

$2, $2.50 AND * 

Buys the Finest Spectacles in ex- 
istence; $1, 50c. and 25c those 
of lower grade. ADJUBTiNc£Spec- 
taclea to Buit the various condl- 
tions of the sight a specialty. No ( 
other optician has o can get such 
faeilitiesas are to be found at this 
establishment, because the in- 
strument used for measuring the 
strength of the eye is my own invention and 
patent, and is the only one ever invented that 
will give the exact amount of imperfection in 
one's sight. Beware of impostors, who tell you 
or their long experience, chat they make lenses, 
etc., as the Optical Institute is the only place 
on this coast where h-nses are ground to order. 
L. A. BERTLING, Scientific Optician, 
427 Kearny St. (successor to Bertling-s: Watry) 




Cut this Out and Keep It for Reference. 




WEARING the DUPLEX GALVANIC BELT 
The unparalleled success of this medical belt 
in the cure of Nervous Weakness and Prostra- 
tion, Impotency, Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Dys- 
pepsia, Constipation and all Liver and Kidney 
Diseases, is attested by thousand who have been 
cured by it. It is not the only Galvanic Belt in 
the market, but it is the only one that ever re- 
ceived a silver medal as a premium. It is uii- 
versally acknowledged to be the best in tub 
world. It is adapted to self-treatment and cure 
at home. Full instructions go with every belt. 
Pri<e Of belt, complete, either male or female, 
$10. Sent prepaid to any address for CASH, 
or by express CO. D. 

Address DITPAEX 41 ILVAN1C CO., 112 
Kearny St., San Frniiolseo, Cal. 



MARINE. 



The Largest Pacific Coast Iniurancc Co. 



OF CALIFORNIA. 

ASSETS •1,000,000 

Home Office : S. W. cor. Cat. 6- Saiuome. 

8AS FRANCISCO, - CAL. 



0. I. HUTCHINSON. H. B. MANN. 

Hutchinson & Mann, 

IXSURANCE AGENCY, 

S. E. Cor. California and haUHonie Slit. 

OASB ASSETS REPRESENTED, $23,613,618 

W. h. Chalmers, Z. P. Clark, Upeclsl Agents 

sod Adjusters, Oapt. A. M. Burns, Marine 

Rnrveyor, 



0. J. Staplks, Prea. 
Wm. J. Duttos, Sec. 



Amir.ru Bull, Vice-Pros. 

B.W. CARPltNTKR,As»'tSeC. 



THE UNIVERSAL 

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIA- 
TION of California for 
Unmarried Persons. 

OFFICE. I03S MISSION ST. 



ǤTSEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUES and LISTS 



M 



ODEL 

OST 



MUSIC OTORE 
ARKED VUCCESS. 



HAZELTON PIANOS. 

Unequalled for Tone and Brilliancy. 

BENHAM PIANOS, HOME MANUFACTURE. 

First-Class and Medium Price. 



MARKET STREET ' ' Chas " s 



s. f. I A. M. Benham 



«i< BEST EDITIONS SHEET MUSIC 10 CTS. A COPY. 



USE 
Dr. 




BITTERS 



HENLEY'S 

The Creat Tonic of the Nineteenth Century. 



OVERLAND SHORT LINE 
General Ticket Offlcc, 2 NEW MONTGOMERY ST., In Palace Hotel, 

CHICAGO & NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY 

NOT ONLY THE PIONEER LINE 

But Acknowledged to be the 

VERY BEST LINE ON THE CONTINENT. 

J. M. DA VIES, fienei-al Agent. 



" THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST." 

Total I.wrkahk over Thirteen Millions. 

Surplus ahovk Liaiiilitirh uvek Tex Millions. 

Buy your Insurance in the 

N. Y. LIFE INSURAECE CO. 

ToOil Assets, - $55,512,003.7!! 
Total Increase, $13;Gfii;350.GG 

Those wishing a safe and secure Life Policy, at 
liberal terms, can apply to A. <i. HAWKS, 
Manager for I'aci0c Coast, 220 Sassomk St., S.F. 




PHOTOGRAPHER, 

Montgomery Street, San Francesco. 



H. L. 
L. H. S 



Dodge, 
cenev, 



.T. E. Haggles, 

F. \V. Van Sicklen. 



DODGE, SWEENEY & CO., 

Wholesale Provision Dealers and 
Commission Merchants, 

114-116 MARKET & 11-13 CALIFORNIi, 

Sole Agents for " Libhy, McNeill & Libby's 

Canned Meats," "II. M. Dupee's Chicago Hams." 

P. O. Box 12*8. 



W. T. COLEMAN & CO , 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants, 

S. E. Cor. Market and Main streets, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



I CHI BAN 



SEE ADVERTISEMENT ON DRAMATIC PAKE. 



STEINWAY PIANOS. 

Exclusively used toy PATH, GEISTER and DOTTI. 
MATTHIAS GRAY, Sole Agent, 206 POST ST., S. F. 



SELBY SMELTING AND LEAD COMPANY, 

416 Montgomery Street, San Francisco 

Gold and Silver Refinery and Assay Ofllec. 
Highest. Prices Paid for Gol J, Silver and Lead Ores and Sulphurets. Manufactul'era of BLUE- 
STONE. Also. Lead Pipe, Sheet Lead, Shot, etc. This Company has the best facilities on the 
Coast for working CIOLD, SILVER and LEAD in their various fonns. 

^ ° PRENTISS SELBY, Superintendent. 



W. G. Badger, 

SOLE AGENTS FOB 

HALLET, DAVIS & CO'S 

CELEBRATED 

PIANOS, 

Geo. Woods & Co's Parlor and Vestry Organs, 

No. i:t Sannonte St reel. S. F. 



KEFOKE BUYING YOUR 

SAFE 

Call and sec our largo stock. 
Second -hand Safes always 
on hand. Safes sold on the 
Installment Plan. 

Halls Safe and Lock Co., 

II A 113 «■ VI M okm I ST., S.F. 




GEORCE MORROW & CO-, 

Established 1854. 
Hay, Grain & Commission 

Merchants. 
miiitim: orders a specialty. 

39 Clay Street, San Francisco. 



A REVOLUTION 

IN TFIK 

TREATMENT OF DISEASE. 

MAGNETIC SHIELDS, 

The Great Curative Agent of 
our Times. 

RHEUMATISM, NEURALGIA 
and DYSPEPSIA cannot 
•■\ Ul where these Shields ore 
worn. Nothing in the history 
of our world equals the wonder- 
ful cures wrought by wearing 
our Magnetic- Shields. A 
single pair of our 

FOOT BATTERIES 
will convince any skeptic of the 
trutli of what we say. Try a 
pair. Price jjtl, by mail, to any. 
address. Send forour now book, 
"A Plain Road to Health." Free 

Chicago & San Francisco 
Magnetic Shield Co. 

I0t* POST SI Itll.T, 
San Francisco, €ul. 




Try Crittenden's 

DYSPEPSIA BITTERS. 

Okkice and Depot : 
1735 & 1737 MARKET ST. 

P. Dauscher & Co., Proprietors. 

E. H. Crittenden & Chas. P. Fulton, Managers. 

L. D. STONE &. CO., 

(Successors to R. Stone,) 

MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF 

Harness, Saddles.Saddlery.Hard- 

ware, Collars, Whips, Ropes, 

Horse Blankets, 

AMD ALL KINDS OP HARNESS & PATENT LEATHERS, 

422 «S 424 Battery Street, 

Cor. Washington, San FranciBco. 

S. W. RAVELEY, 

Book and Job Printer, 

518 CLAY STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery Sl Sansonie, San Francisco. 



BETTER THAN &OLD. 




Budweiser 



On Draught 
only at 



The Louvre, 



JULIUS GRUEN, Proprietor, 
Phelan Block, cor. Dupont St. 



Ag fo" ,s ARION 



and other 
.Reliable 
Makes of 



PIANO. 



You can save 25 per 

cent, by buying 

your Piano of 



E. 



&f\(\ Music Store, 
UU. 1210 Market St. 



"& 



Coal. ftcS-J. MACDONOUGH & CO., 41 MARKET STREET.igss Coal 




Everybodys Plumber, 

(Established i860,) 

No. 505 KEARNY ST. 



Pettijohn's 

BREAKFAST GEM 



Healthiest & Most Palatable 

Of aii3' Cereal Food in the World. 

MADE FROM THE CHOICEST 

SONORA WHEAT. 

It is 1'n.rivaled in Excellence and 

Purity. It is Nutritions and 

Easily Digested. It is Free 

from all Impurities. 

This Excellent BREAKFAST GEM is put up 
in 24 Packages in each case. 

ALL RETAIL GROCERS KEEP IT. 



DONT BUY 

a DRIED-DP 
IMPORTED 

H a r n ess, 
when you can 
purchase are- 
liable home- 
mac' ehirnefs 
for le.-B mon- 
ey. For a 
cood, cbea i 
harneBS, ask 
for No. 15; 
price, $20 per set. Am now making of this num- 
ber 75 set per month. Our No. 20 is waved traces, 
scalloped lays, a reliable good style bnsiness har- 
ness; price per set, §30. Now making of this num- 
ber40setspermjnth. Don't buy until you exam- 
jneourlineof work. Pricesrange fromSlOto §90 
for single, and §20 to §200 for double harness. 

"W. DAVIS, 410 Market street. 
SEND FOR CATALOGUE. 




S. J. LEVY, Proprietor 
D. J. LEVY, Cutter. 



%&L 




TO 
Order. 



. «fcfi 

Dress Pants, ta 

Suits, - - - - 20 

Dress Suits, - - - 35 



^.sk 



^.sk 




Throat, 



Catarrh 



IT WILL CURE 
CONSUMPTION 

P. O. Box, 1886. 




Lungs, 



Fevers. 



For Coughs, Colds, 
Whooping Coughs and 
all Throat afiections 



Address: Pa ^ Febl£V it has no equal . 

VALENTINE II ASSM KR. 933 Washington St:, cor. PoweU, S. F. 



JNO. LEVY & CO., 

Makers and Importers of Fine Jewelry, 

DIAMONDS, PRECIOUS STONES, WATCHES, 
SILVERWARE, CARRIAGE and MANTEL 

Clocks, Opera-glasses, Fans, Etc., 

118 SUTTER 8TEEET, San Francisco, ml. 



P 



GIVE THY SON A LIBERAL EDUCATION." 

ACIFIC BUSINESS ftOLLEGE 



R 

LIFE MEMBERSHIP I |«SEND FOR 



ONLY £70. 



CIRCULAR 



y 320 P J¥! T 



HIBERNIA BREWERY, 



1229 HOWARD ST. 

MATTHEW NUNAN, Prop. 



D„„- .,,.,4 D„-l.« - \I7U„1^,-.,1„ I AMOUNT SOLD IN 1883: 

Beer and Porter Wholesale. \ 30,000 Barrels. 



"The Wine of the Elite.' 




UNEXCELLED FOR 
BOUQUET ! 
DELICACY ! 
DRYNESS! 



ONLY PRODUCERS OF 

Sparkling Wines 

ON THE PACIFIC COAST. 



530 WASHINGTON ST S.F. CAL. 
PRODUCED BY FERMENTATION IN THE BOTTLE. 



D 



R. ZEILE'S INSTITUTE 

(Established 1852.) 

The Largest, Airiest and Best IS mis on l lie Partite Coast. TI'KKISH. 
BIIS»IAN, SIEAM, MLI'llli: or MEDICATED BATHS Tor Ladies and Gentle- 
men. All on tue Ground Floor <no basenienl.) 

5 32 to 528 PACIFIC STREET. S. F. ■ 



INDESTRUCTIBLE 



EYE-GLASSES. 




WITH PATENT EASY 

lNOfeE-rlECE. 

OPTICIAN AND JEWELER. 



407 Kearny St., 

Near PINE. 

Send for Catalogue. 




KODXEB at CHASE, 137 to 139 Post St., 

Sole Agents lor the Celebrated 

Decker Bro'sPiano 

Also for the 
FISCBIEE, the REHK and the BE UN- 
i\<; Pianos. 

Cash or installments. Largest Piano and Music 
House on the Coast. 



THE BOSS, 

FOR SALE BY 

Pacific Saw 

Manufacturing Company, 

Nob. i; and 19 Fremont Street, S. 

Complete with Pacific Saw Manufacturing 
Company's Extra Blade, Set and Filed ready for 
work, $1.50 sach. 




Charles R. Allen, 

Importer and Dealer in 
nOrSE, gTEAJH, lWMHtY AND 

CUMBERLAND COAL- 

Retail Trade a Specialty. 

130 BEALE STREET. 




PALACE 



nVC U/flDI/C Wre^K Main Office, 633 MARKET ST., Palace Hotel. 

II I r* VVSiniAU Best and 5 neaDe8t Works. •.'lo-;i-> KIDLEY sT. Oakland OIIice L 1163_BKOADWAY, cor. 13ln. 



in the City. 



CHAS. J. HOLMES, PROPRIETOR. 



Merchants' and Tourists' 
Headquarters, 



THE BALDWIN. 



The Leading Hotel of San Francisco. 

H. H. PlERSON, PROPRIETOR. 

B. Hardenncrgh, Chief t Ik. M. A. French, cashier 



Buy FURNITURE of the INDIANAPOLIS CHAIR M'F'G COMPANY, 

750 MISSION STREET, and Save 15 per cent. Largest Stock in the City. 



CUTDDIITD'Q FRENCH RESTAURANT, {Private Booms for Families.} | Q Jg # |/[_ Q'FARRELL ST. 



t 




VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 5. 



Price }■ 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 1884. 



-! lO CENTS. 



The LARGEST HAT STORE ox this COAST. 



Herrmann, The Hatter. 

( C. Herrmann & Co. ) 
332 to 336 Kearny Street, 

Between Bush and Pine Sts. San Francisco. 

FINEST PHOTOS IN THE CITY 



IMPERIAL GALLERY, 

724J? Market Street. 

THE CELEBRATED 

CHAMPAGNE WINES 

Of Messrs. Deutz & Gelderman, Ay, en Champagne. 

Cachet (Blanc, t™ s*. . j^a&Vd h-ST""' 



Hock Wines, 



*T 



j Inf.'asesfromG.M.Pabst- 
J maun Sohn, Mainz. 

CHARLES ME1NECKE & CO., 

IMPORTERS AND SOLE AGENTS, 

314 SACRAMENTO STREET. SAN FRANCISCO. 

THE NEVADA BANK 

OF SAN FRANCISCO. 

CAPITAL PAID UP $3,000,000. 

Agency at New York 62 Wall Street. 

Agency at Virginia, Nevada. 
Buys and sells Exchange and Telegraphic Transfers. Issues 
Commercial and Travelers' Credits. 

CALIFORNIA 

SAFE DEPOSITITRUST CO. 

326 MONTGOMERY ST., SAN FRANCISCO. 

J. D. Fry, Prcs.; C. R. Thompson Gate of Union Trust Co., 
N. Y.) Treas.; Wm. Cunningham, Sec. 

CAPITAL PAID UP AND SURPLUS, - $925,000. 

Interest Allowed on Deposits, 

At 3 per cent, per annum for Deposits to remain 30 days or 
longer; 2 per cent, on Deposits subject to check at sight. 
Loans made on Collateral Security. 

Vault Department: Safes, $2 to $20 per month, $15 to $200 
per year. Valuables of all kinds received on Special Deposit 
for safe keeping. Open 8 A.M. to 6 p.m., S. E. cor. Montgomery 
and California Streets. Gen'l W. L. Elliott, Vice-Pres. 

F. E. R. Whitney, Sup't and Chief of Patrol. 



CHARLES DIETLE, 
PRIZE BOOT MAKER, 

235 Bush St., San Francisco. 



SHIPPER & SCHWARTZ, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

733 Market Street, - Opposite Dupont, 

san francisco, cal. 

Sol. Shipper, formerly of San Jose, and late from 
Portland, Oregon. 



BOOT AND SHOE MAKER. 



JOHN UTSCHIG, 



326 Bush Street, 



San Francisco. 



BURR & FINK, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

620 Market Street, 
opposite palace hotel entrance. 

Great Blood Purifier. 

DRINK 

African Stomach Bitters. 

Most Agreeable Tonic ever Prepared. 

THE CALIFORNIA 

Savings and Loan Society, 

JUNCTION MARKET AND POWELL STS. 



DeposiLs received. Loans made on city and country property 
at low rates. 

SAN FRANCISCO WIRE WORKS. 

C. H. GRUENHAGEN, 

MANUFACTURER OF 

ALL KINDS of WIRE WORK 

669 MISSION STREET, 
BET. THIRD AND NEW MONTGOMERY. 

Best Shirts, 

Underwear and Furnishing Goods. 

CARMANY, 

25 Kearny Street. 



E. MARTIN & CO., 

Importers and Wholesale Liquor Dealers. 

"ARGONAUT," "I, F. COTTER," and "MILLER'S EXTRA' 

Old Bourbon Whiskies, 
408 FRONT STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 

gTUDEBAKER BROS.' 

CARRIAGES AND BUGGIES 

201-207 Market Street, San Francisco. 

"White House" Whiskies, 

Holland Gin, French Brandies, Port, Sherry, 

ETC., ETC. 

In Bond or Duty Paid, 

GEORGE STEVENS, 

31S FRONT STREET, Room 2, SAN FRANCISCO. 

"EXCELSIOR!" "EXCELSIOR!" 

C. ZINNS, 
FASHIONABLE TAILOR, 

5 Montgomery St. (Masonic Temple), 
SAN FRANCISCO. 

donald McMillan, 

Manufacturer and Dealer in 

SYRUPS, CORDIALS, BITTERS, EXTRACTS, 

CALIFORNIA WINES, ETC. 

714 Front Street, San Francisco. 

P. O- Box 1443. Telephone No. 87. 

Drink Donald McMillan's Celery Tonic ! 



A. S. Hallidie, Pres. 



Henry L. Davis, Sec'y. 



California Wire Works, 

Manufacturers and Dealers in every de cription of Wire Goods, 
Brass, Copper and Iron Wire Clot|p, Wire Work Railings, 
Guards, Screens, Sieves, Shade Cloth, Bird Cages, Battery 
Screens, etc. 

Office and Salesroom : 
6 CALIFORNIA ST., S. F. 



LEMP'S 
ST. LOUIS BEER. 



OTTO NORMANN, 

Sole Acent Pacific Coast 

WM. J. LEMP'S WESTERN BREWERY, 
st. louis, mo. 

411 Bush St., San Francisco. 

Large Stock of Beer in Bulk and Bottles always on hand. 
SST orders from dealers promptly attended to."^SJ 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES. NEC ^ 4 s ^A d R^? N sS2 MERY 



WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY. 

COB. FOURTH * RRYAXT STS., S. P., 
Manufacturers of and Dealers in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A Large Assortment Constantly on 
Hand and Made to Order. 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 

Guaranteed. 



Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon, 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, San FranciBco. 
Freeh Bread delivered every day and cakes 
made to Order. Sole agent for RUSSIAN 
OAVIAR and WESTPHALIA HAMS. Ger- 
man Sausages. A. REIISCIIE. 



KOHLER & VAN BERGEN. 

FINE 

Old Table, 

WINES. 




.rT 



ZI.YFANDEL, 

CLARETS, 
HOCKS, 
PORTS, 

SHERRIES. Eli- 

VAULTS: 
417, 419 Mont'ery 

Branch : %. 

987 to 993 Market "1 

UNDER GRAND .^M 
CENTRAL MARKET. 

Growers and Dealers in 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 
PRINCIPAL OFFICE : 

AI7 AIQ Montgomery St , 

*T I I J m Tt\J SAN FRANCISCO. 

Veuve Clicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

QUARTS AND PIKTB. 

A. VIGNIER~Sole Agent, 

429 A 431 BATTERY ST., S. F. 

DR. HENLEY'S 



CELERY 



Tie B-reatest 
lentie 
town. 



BEEF 

ii ii ! ■ .a: 

IRON 



(LleMj's Extract), 

tie wouerni MitiYe 

aon invuoMoi, 



CPyropHospHata) , 

Tonic loi tic Blood., ail 

Food lor tie Brain. 

' 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERT, lately pre- 
pared and sold in Portland, Or., has been exten- 
sively used in that locality and performed many 
astonishing cures. As a NERVINE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEF and IRON has shown to possess wonderful 
power to build up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to both mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in cases of GENERAL DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA, LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared and Sold by 

TUTHILL, COS & CO., 
537 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum % Anatomy 

751 Market St. 

GO AND LEARN HOW TO 
k avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
ful^ you are made. 
Private Office, 211 Geary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



The Favorite of Real 
Connoisseurs. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



JOHN WIELAND 

Proprietor, 
Second St., nr. Folsom, S.F. 



QAN f RANCISCO 

Capital Stock, 
$200,000. 



OUR LAGER BEER 
BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAR 
RANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANY OLIMATE. 




a^ TRADE 



^ STANDARD LEATHER BELTING. A - °- COOK & SON - 



415 MARKET STREET, S. F. 



SAN FRANCISCO,' SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 188*. 







HMID^TBEI^UTHO^a^ftr^RANC I S C 



A POLITICAL APPLICATION OP AN OLD FABLE 



THE WASP. 



A FOREIGNER'S LOVE AFFAIR, 



(A la Fonseca's " English as She is Spoke.") 



I don't had any greate9t treat 

As sit him in a gay parterre, 
And sniff ones up the perfume sweet 

Of much red roses buttoning there. 

But who it want my friendly miss 
Which make to blush the self -red rose ; 

Oh ! than I was the flower what kiss 
The end's tip of her splendid nose. 

Who I have envy of to be 

Which herb 'neath her pantoffle push, 
Ah ! too much happy seemeth me 

The margaret which her vestige crush. 

The sing-bird gurgles on the bough : 
Them put out a superior note : 

But she is a agreablest row 
What bubble from my miss's throat. 

The heaven space it seemed me blue, 
(I anciently approved the skies !) 

It want to be the robbed her hue 
At charmant miss's cobalt eyes. 

But I will meet her nose at nose, 
And take occasion for the hairs, 

And make a statement all my woes 
That she in fine agree my prayers. 

Wilt thou, she quothed, love me alone 
And cease of ever more to roam ? 

But, yes ! I tell her, for the stone 
What roll not heap up any foam. 

THE ENVOY. 

I don't know any greatest treat 
As set him in one gay parterre, 

With madame which is too more sweet 
As every roses buttoning there. 

li THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER," 



-E. B. Palmer. 



Can a man's Christian name influence his destiny ? Othello Barrigoul 
possessed every form of self-love and all varieties of egotism. He was 
jealous in the most stupid, fiercest and most dangerous way. His parents, 
thoroughly imbued with the cheerful literature of the early part of the cent- 
ury, had taught him the false doctrine that all women were deceitful. 

When he married Brigitte Minot, a charming girl of eighteen years, his 
first care was to leave the town, and shut himself up with his bride on an 
estate in the country, which he had bought under a false name, with the 
firm intention of allowing there no bachelor that lived. 

Judge then of his disappointment when after eight weeks of this Char- 
treuse for two, he received the following letter from his old comrade Porphyre 
Xiedoux : 

My "Unkind Friend : I have at last discovered you ! Orestes, what has your 
Pylades done to you ? To-morrow is your birthday and I cannot keep away. I shall 
come to-night. You can put me out of the door if you will but I am coming. Your 
faithful Porphyre. 

" The devil take him ! " thought Othello. Then he had a moment of 
tenderness. That dear old friend ! He was unmarried, it was true, but he 
belonged to an inoffensive variety of man : a scientist, member of the So- 
ciety of Meteorological Science, correspondent of this institute, officer of 
that academy, spending a small fortune in ingenious experiments. He had 
gained a medal by his great paper on Certain effects of thunder and especially 
the nature of its noise in the hypothesis that the moon may be inltabited. 

" That man is not dangerous," thought Othello. " He is so ugly." He 
added, affectionately, contemplating himself in the glass: "And then, I 
will watch them. And woe to them if ! " 

Poor Brigitte inwardly jumped with joy (a very difficult exercise which 
1 recommend to acrobats) to hear of company coming. Innocent creature ] 
She did not understand her husband's sullenness and morbid desire for 
loneliness. So Bhe promised herself that she would be very agreeable to the 
visitor in order to keep him as long as possible. Her first smile upon him 
was so frank and cordial that Othello was alarmed. 

Porphyre had a package under his arm which his host closely scrutinized 
without divining what it was, but it made a bad impression on him. A 
Dictionary of Declarations, perhaps ! Another bad sign : M. Ledoux, who 
usually looked as if his clothes had been thrown at him, had evidently 
dressed with care. The knot of his cravat — rare thing ! — was in front. His 
pantaloons covered the tops of his boots instead of^ being covered. Height 
of dandyism : he wore braces ! Stupid Brummel ! He was perfumed with 
something like orange-flower ! 

At table Barrigoul surprised little signs of intelligence between his wife 
and his friend ! Prom the corner of his eye he followed that audacious tele- 
graphing. At dessert the two miserable sinners took little pains to dissim- 
ulate. 

Porphyre plainly signaled : " Why not now 1 " 

Brigitte responded by another sign which said clearly : ' ' Not yet ! " 

Then the questioning glance of M. Ledoux evidently signified: "Where?" 

To which Madame Barrigoul's fore-finger answered by pointing out a 



window, that of a lower room shaded by vines, the coolest one in the house 
during the summer. 

Othello made a singular compound sneer and groan. 

" What is the matter 1 " asked Porphyre. 

" A desire to sneeze." 

" It is the approach of a storm. I have of ten remarked that effect. Thus, 
in the hypothesis, which I am willing to accept, that the nose of the inhabit- 
ants of the planet Jupiter is seventeen million times larger than ours, it 
may be that the noise of thunder is simply the echo, through celestial space, 
of their influenzas. That theory would be more flattering than the one 
which attributes it to heedless expressions of the moon." 

Barrigoul decided to hasten matters. Under pretext of shooting he had 
gone down in the garden, his gun under his arm, and taken his post of ob- 
servation behind a tree. He watched the melancholy window wreathed by 
blossoms closed for the night, the one so imprudently pointed out by his 
wife's finger. It was starlight. An hour for vengeance ! as they say in 
melodramas. Suddenly the blinds softly opened and Othello's eyes searched 
the obscurity within. He saw distinctly, close to the window-sill, a head, 
apparently bowed. It was crowned by leaves. Madame had put flowers in 
her hair ! It rose above something white. Madame wore a fashionably 
large collar. The head was motionless, in an attitude of revery, but another 
shadow appeared — Porphyre — it was very plain — with a swift and passionate 
gesture, he took her head between his hands and brought it lovingly toward 
his own, without her making the least resistance to that familiarity. 
Bang ! bang ! — two shots. 

And M. Barrigoul's gun was still smoking when he abruptly shouldered 
it and rushed into the house, trembling all over and with blood-shot eyes. 
He ran first to his wife's room. She was there, perfectly tranquil, prepar- 
ing to undress. 

" It is Porphyre that I have killed," he thought, "but what admirable 
self-possession in his accomplice ! Oh ! the women ! " 

With mute indignation, but not without enjoyment, he saw the beauti- 
ful culprit let her fine blonde hair fall over her shoulders while her lover 
was doubtless at the last gasp, his chest riddled by balls. 

" Your friend was tired from traveling," Brigitte said, very naturally, 
" and asked me to make his excuses for not waiting to see you before retir- 
ing." 

" Where did you put him 1 " 

" In the large room down stairs. But don't go ! You will disturb him." 

" No, madame ! He is in a sleep from which one never wakes ! " answered 
Othello in a solemn voice. 

And, curious about his crime, he strode away. When he entered the 
room of M. Ledoux he was not a little astonished to find that learned man 
seated peacefully at Mb table, writing in haste and having before him an 
enormous melon. 

" Ah ! my poor Othello ! " said Porphyre. 
Absolutely dumfounded, M. Barrigoul kept silence. 

" Just think ! " continued the gentle scientist, " I remembered your liking 
for melons. I brought one which I had myself selected. It was a surprise. 
I wanted to have it eaten to-night, but your wife was unwilling. She pre- 
tended it would be riper to-morrow. It would have been better to have fol- 
lowed my idea. For its better preservation it was put in the cooleBt room 
in the house, and before going to bed I wanted to be sure it was safe. I 
went just now, when one of the most curious phenomena of my life occurred 
before me. At the very moment when, having opened the window, I lifted 
the fruit to my nose there came two flashes of light, two thunderclaps, and 
the melon fell from my hands. Here it is. Look at it. 

Barrigoul approached and beheld the melon with two round, blackened 
holes. 

" I was frightened. I felt of myself, "continued Porphyre. " I felt nothing 
wrong. I lighted a candle. No disorder in the room, but the lightning 
struck there — the traces are palpable. What a discovery, my friend ! " 

' ' What discovery ? " asked Othello, completely stunned. 

" The power of that fruit to turn away the effect of lightning, or, rather, 
to absorb the danger. No more lightning-rods, my friend. A simple melon 
on the head. This is progress which will benefit all humanity." And the 
good scientist danced for joy like a boy. 

Othello was touched by this innocent gayety. He thought, too, what 
if he had unjustly killed the good fellow. He embraced him. 

The Academy of Science has a paper by Porphyre Ledoux on the veget- 
able conductor, — Translated from the French by E. F. Dawson. 

PROPHECIES OF SCRIPTURE. 



A Cincinnati man challenges " Colonel Bob" Ingersoll to disprove the 
inspiration of a Bible which so accurately prophecies the appearance and 
operation of railroads thousands of years before they were invented. " The 
chariots shall rage in the streets," says the prophet Nahum, which means 
the chariots had some propelling force other than that of animals; "they 
shall jostle one against another in the broad ways," meaning the aide tracks 
in railroad yards, the freight trains backing up, etc. ; " they shall seem like 
torches," meaning the head lights of the locomotives at night ; " they shall 
run like lightning," referring to the " lightniDg express." A Bible which 
can hit it off like that, says the Cincinnati man, can withstand the assaults 
of an Ingersoll. — Detroit Free Press. 



A white squall caught a party of tourists moving across a lake and 
threatened to capsize the boat. When it seemed that the crisis had really 
come the largest and physically the strongest in the party, in a state of in- 
tense fear, said, " Let us pray ! " " No, no, my man," shouted the bluff old 
boatman ; "let the little man pray — you take the oar." 



One of the professors of the University of Texas was engaged in explain- 
ing the Darwinian theory to his class, when he observed that they were not 
paying proper attention. "Gentlemen," said the professor, "when I am 
endeavoring to explain to you the peculiarities of the monkey I wish you 
would look right at me." 



THE WASP. 



8 



LITTLE JOHNNY. 



A political Argument between the Father and the Uncle of our Young Con- 
tributor— Mr. Brily on the King of BcaeU—FabU of the Mule and the 
Lion— Hitherto unpublished Account by Mr, i'iipph- <f an Inc'ul nt of th>- 
great Deluge — The young Man appertaining to the Sister of our Contrihur 
tor 'liacourses with blandUoqueat Frofon.ii* m Rotation m Office. 

I ast Uncle Ned was it tru that Mister Clevland used to be a hanger, 
and Uncle Xed he thot a wile, an then he spoke up and Bed, *' Yes, Johnny, 
as a ole line Demcrat I am forbid the privihdge of telln a lie, an shal have 
to own up that sech was his persute, but the number of Repubcans wich he 
hung has ben much exagerited for pliticle eneck." 

Jest then my father, wich is a Repubcan his own self, he come in and 
he sed, " I never see a Demcrat yet wich cude speak a decent word about 
his pliticle ponents ; every Demcrat wich I kanow is a gum dasted fool." 

Then Uncle Ned he spoke up a other time and said, " Robert," cob thats 
my fatherseB name, "if it wasent for that gentle niileuess wich so strikenly 
distingwishes you from a apoonfle of toast water a feller wich haaent never 
ben to a circuaa mite mistake you for a bone-crackin tagger." 

Then my father he aaid, " Wei, I rather be that than for to be a aafe- 
crackin Demcrat," but if me and Billy was a tagger we wude rather be a 
zebry, wich is the king of beasts. 

One day I ast Mr. Brily, the butcher, wot was the king of beasts, and 
he said, Mr. Brily did, " I aint pertickler wel posted bout aech things, but 
theres a chap out to the Blotter house wich has akuu twelve aheepa in fifteen 
minita, and I shoud think he was mity nigh to the throne." 

Mister Gipple he aaya one time a lion was met by a mule, and the mule 
he aed, " I am the king of beasts." . 

The lion he luked at him a wile out of hia eya and then he spoke up 
and aed, "Wel, Ime mity glad that it isent a hereditry monarky, any how." 

Mister Gipple he says that the saying " as cheeky aB a mule" is as old 
as the flood. He aaya one day Noey he come into the ark and took off his 
rubber coat and hung it on the hat rack and stood his umbrelly in the 
apitoon and set down by the stove and aed he bedam. Then Missus Noey 
she aaid wot was the matter, and did he think it waa manly for to uae aech 
langwidge fore the anmels, and hadent he better be layin in some more cand 
tomattusses, sted of settin there wurrying bout his whicked lady f rends 
wich was about to get wot thay deserfed, and it wude serv em right if the 
rain wude spile all their close. 

Then Noey he aaid, " Dont be a fool, my dear, I was only jest thinkin 
that the cheek of some folks beats blazes ! Jest now wile I was takin on 
some taggera and rattle snakes, and had sent Shem out to ruBtle round for a 
pair of akunx, a gum dasted big mule come a marchin up the gang plank and 
give me a shuv to one aide and walked in like he was a lord ; and the son of 
a gun is up there in the bridal chamber this minnit, a slickin his self up." 

But wot all that rigmy role is a bout is wot flores me, an Billy he says 
"wots it got to do with who is a going for to be Presdent, any how. 

I tole my sister's yung man, wich ia a Repubcan, jeat like my father, 
hadent Mister Arther ben a good Presdent, and he sed yea he had, dident 
the platform say so? Then I said wy was thay goin for to turn him out. 
My sister's yung man he Bed, "Johnny, you dont sabby politicks much bet- 
ter than a Chinaman. Youtolk like you waa a editing the Examner. Dont 
you kanow that if a feller is Presdent for very long to a time it spiles him 
and makes him sick, and he loozes his teeths and hia to naleB cums out? 
Now, Mister Arther is all right, and will be wel an harty up to 12 o'clock on 
the forth of nex March, but if he was to stay President one minit longer it 
mite be fatle. " 

Then I sed cudent thay give him sum rubarb, and he said, " Its prety 
expensif, Johnny, its prety expensif, and some how rubarb never seems to 
take hold like kickin out does. No, I dont think much of rubarb. Ita tol- 
able good when you got a head ake in the atummuck of yure belly, and it 
wil cetch onto a snake bite and shake all the democracy out of it like a tar- 
rier in a rat pit, but when you come to compare it with rotashion in office 
you are shakin a mity looBe chin." 

Then my sister she spoke up and ast him wot was rotashion in office, 
and he aaid wude I wait there wile he tuke her out in the garden and showed 
her some a growin on the vine and moat ripe. I said I wude if thay wude 
bring me in some, but I gess thay took it over to ole Gaffer Peterses and 
give it to Missus Doppy's little baby, which has got werms. 



HE HAD "RUN INTO SOMETHINV 



A New York Central locomotive stood close to the Main-street crossing 
in Buffalo. The fireman waa busy cleaning some blood and pieces of meat 
off the cow-catcher. "Don't shudder," he said, " nothin' but beef — a fool 
cow got on the track back here by Looneyville. Killed a man once at the 
same crossing. It's an unlucky spot, I gueaa. Do we have many such acci- 
dents 1 Yes, a few. Did you ever hear of old Jerry Drew ; lives up near 
Rochester ? No 1 Well, we had a scrimmage with him one day. He gets 
drunk every time he goes to town, and that day he was drunker than ever. 
He alius seemed to get to the track 'bout time we got to the road, an' I've 
aeen him whip-up his horses and whoop and yell and try to get there the 
aame minute we did many a time. He aeemed to delight in it. Once he 
stopped right on the track, and when we came up slow with the brakes on 
he dared us to come any closer, and said he'd run over ua. Had to whistle 
and scare his horses in order to get him off. The time I started out to tell 
you about, though, Jerry had had too much and was sound asleep in his 
wagon. The horses went on the track right in front of us, and the whole 
institution was busted all to pieces. We stopped as quick as we could, an' 
run back. Both horses was killed and the wagon all cut up to kindlin' wood 
an' scrap iron. Over by the fence was old Jerry. I saw he wasn't dead 
right away. The shock had woke him up, an' he was tryin' to drink out of 
a bottle, the neck being all there was left of it. 

" ' What's the matter here ? ' I shouted. He looked up, opened his eyeB 
a little, an' gazed around him. 

" ' I guess — hie,' he said, 'I gueaa I must o' — hie — run into somethinV " 



VARIATIONS, 



Why don't they build that New England cat hospital at Kittery ? — N. 
Y. Tribune. 

People who dislike animals might auggeat some apot in the Catskill 
mountains. 



The author of a new Boston novel seema fond of red. One of the young 
men in the book has "a red-tanned face and amber hair " ; another character 
ia a college prof easor who " had Mb celebrity under a reddish beard ; a third 
has a complexion naturally crimson, and a fourth in "riding by leaves an 
impression of a long scarlet moustache." — Philadelphia Call. 

It only remains for the book to be read. 



THE RETURN OF THE SURVIVORS. 

Look! to our world of mirth and light emotion, 
Come seven pilgrims, wan and weak with woe, 

Forth from the drifting floe, 
Ice-peak and peril of the Polar Ocean, 
Drear shore of snow and rock, of solitude 

And silence awe imbued. 

In that vast, lonely, frozen realm imprisoned, 

And watched for months by Day, for months by Night, 

Clutched by grim Hunger 's might, 
For weird, new comrades menaced them nor listened, 
Delirium and Death embraced their prey, 

Hope turned her face away. 

Despair, Starvation, bitter Melancholy, 
Were fought with courage by these heroes rare. 

What love like brothers there ! 
Chivalric annals since Crusaders' folly 
Tell no more touching tale of faithful souls 

Than their return unrolls ! 

Behold! the nation thrilled and sympathetic, 
Forgets its politics, its business-craze. 

And for a brief hour strays 
To higher level, losing thought splenetic, 
As, learning of these men's self-sacri6ce, 

Tears dim the sternest eyes. 

Thus Harlequin, who turns from jest and leaping, 
Peers from the tent into the purple dark, 

May, for a moment, mark 
(The music and the riders onward sweeping) 
The marvelous, immeasurable heights, 

The heavens' starry lights, 

Those stately squadrons there forever wheeling, 
The undulating clouds that intervene, 

The winds that pass unseen. 
That instant yields a mystical revealing, 
He feels how grand the Universe may be — 

Touches Eternity ! 



A man who has kept account of the number of kisBes exchanged with 
his wife since their union consents to its publication, as follows : First year, 
36,500; second year, 16,000; third year, 3,650; fourth year, 120; fifth 
year, 2. — Eastern paper. 

Kis-met ! Major Key. 



THE FAIR BALL0TEER. 



" The trouble with our female suffrage aa you call it," said the practical 
politician from Cheyenne, "is that some of these new voters give the elec- 
tion officers no end of trouble by coming back and wanting to have another 
look at the ticket to see whether the address is all right, or whether it 
doesn't require another stamp. They have queer tastes too, in tickets, that 
the unfair sex could never understand, About all the bearded voter carea 
to know is whether his ticket is straight ; for I don't think he minds much 
how dirty it is or whether it is printed on straw paper ; but I don't believe 
one of this other kind of fellow citizens ever troubles herself about the in- 
side of her ticket, so it looks just lovely. Why they say that down in 
Washakie the saloon men got the whole woman vote cast in favor of free 
whisky and open on Sunday, by printing their tickets on gilt edge paper 
and putting them up in fancy envelopes. But the worst of it is it's a gen- 
eration of balloteers that no practical politician can tie to. You think you 
have a nice set up and a beautiful slrue and all that, till these light heads 
break away like a lot of untamed colts, and when it comes to the count up, 
you generally find all your calculations smashed. — The Judge. 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



One Who Was Thehe.— Please call at this office and substantiate your information. 
H. J. H. — Yes. We are always pleased to receive suggestions for Cartoons. 



Mother : What did you mean by introducing me to Mr. Brown as 
your aunt? 

Daughter : Forgive me, mother, but Mr. Brown appears to be on the 
point of proposing and it wouldn't do to run any risk just now, you know. 
He has a strong prejudice against mothers-in-lsw. 



A new game, similar to hide and seek, ia becoming very popular in this 
country. It is played as follows : "A cashier in a bank takes the money 
of the institution and disappears. Then the detectives try to find him. If 
they succeed, he comeB home and has to pay forfeit. 



" Can you tell me, Bir," asked a young lady at the bookstore, "in what 
order Thackeray wrote his books ?" '*No v lady," replied the gentlemanly 
aaleagentleman, "-but don't yer know, I guess it was in order to make 
money." 



THE WASP. 



YhzWasp 



VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 5. 



tVBOLE NUMBER, 418. 



SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 1884. 

PUBLISHED EVERY SATURDAY, AT NOS. 5-10 AND 542 CALIFORNIA STREET BY 

E. 0. MACFARLANE & CO., 
Proprietors and Publishers. 

Tebms to Subscribers : 

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Postage free to all parts of the United States, Canada and British Columbia. 
To all other countries one dollar per year extra. The country trade supplied by the 
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tions for the Wabp, payable invariably in advance. 

Directions to discontinue the paper should be given in writing. 

[Entered at the Postoffice at San Francisco for transmission at second-class rates.] 

Republican enthusiasts who are betting hats that they will carry thi8 
state at the November election have a tolerably safe thing of it, for although 
they will probably get no hats, yet, having lost their heads, they will need 
none. Indeed, the pallid tiles wherewith they all are now topped might ad- 
vantageously be renounced and charitably sold to the poor. The situation 
is unstable and mutable, but the near outlook is distinctly bleak for Repub- 
licans in this state. The action of their party in the past two years has been 
uniformly disingenuous, selfish, idiotic ; justifying the distrust which drove 
across the party line enough of them to elect the men of San Jose. We may 
remark here, parenthetically, that we consider this a handsome confession, 
for we were among the dupes who relied upon the good faith of the famous 
anti-railroad platform of 1882, supported Estee and had the mischance to 
get calamitously " left," as we richly deserved. The leaders of the party, it 
instantly appeared, were anti-monopoly with a condition — if they were per- 
mitted to keep the offices ; as soon as they were turned out and their dun- 
nage thrown after them, they experienced a change of heart, and from then 
to now have been in close and open alliance with the Railroad. Their con- 
ventions are packed in the Railroad interest ; their principal newspapers are 
conducted in that behalf ; their Legislators, with exceptions insignificant in 
point of numbers, have actively, bitterly and successfully contested every 
measure intended for the betterment of Railroad manners. In this last re- 
spect their conduct has disclosed a moral turpitude that words cannot ade- 
quately denote. Seven of the eight Republican members of the Btate 
Senate, under the leadership of the notorious Vrooman, by combination 
with a small Democratic minority of disreputables turned the extra session 
into a dismal failure. What gives their action greater significance than that 
of their Democratic accomplices is not alone the fact of their constituting 
seven-eighths of their party representation, but the amazing circumstance 
that they were supported and encouraged by nearly the entire body of the 
Republican press, and the added circumstance that by no authoritative ut- 
terance of the party have they ever been rebuked. In the light of these 
performances the Sacramento platform of '82 may be read with an instructed 
mind by those who, like ourselves, had the folly to believe it. 

Who to-day are the most active leaders of the Republican party in 
California ? What three men have the greatest influence in determining its 
principles and policy 1 Henry Vrooman, David McClure and Creed Hay- 
mond. The mention of their names is enough ; everybody whose knowledge 
of public affairs is superior to that of an oyBter knows these men have been 
for years, and probably for years will be, in the pay of the Railroad. Two 
of them were the principal malefactors in the conspiracy of seven state 
senators already mentioned — leaders and directors of that knavish band 
whose never-failing negation thwarted the will of an entire people. The 
other is avowedly the Railroad's attorney and general utility man. In that 
character his existence provokes no dissent ; as a manager of a self-styled 
anti-monopoly political party, he imports into the situation a humor that is 
frosty enough to be distasteful. The masses of the people, Republicans as 
well as Democrats, are as bitterly hostile to the Railroad as they were in 
1882. With whatever of internal dissension, however sharp the conflict of 
individual ambitions, the leaders of the Democratic party in this state have 
honestly enough endeavored to give effect to this sentiment. Some thous- 
ands of Republican voters (enough to turn the scale) believed that they 
would do so and that their own leaders would not. Events have confirmed 
their judgment, and now we are told they will return to their allegiance. 
If they do they will meet a goodly company on the way. 



It is true that local interests are not seriously involved in the presiden- 



tial canvass, but any hope that is grounded on that fact makes, we venture 
to think, too small account of human unreason. The mass of voters has so 
few and infrequent opportunities to express itself with regard to those griev- 
ances most nearly touching it that it is not overmuch given to nice discrim- 
ination. It strikes blindly how it can — is more concerned to hurt whom it 
hates, near at hand, than help whom it admires, at a distance. We fear the 
average California Republican promises himself a more blessed satisfaction 
in balking the ambition of Dave McClure than in serving that of James 
Blaine. Our own view of the matter is that he ought to subordinate his 
feelings to his judgment, and, since he believes — upon whatever grounds — 
that the accession of a Democratic national Administration is undesirable 
and there is no present fear of the accession of a Republican state Adminis- 
tration, vote his party ticket at the November election, awaiting another 
opportunity to humble his local leaders ; observation, however, does not 
warrant the hope that he will. In stating that whatever he may deem it 
expedient to do to the names of presidential electors on his ballot he will 
most utterly and consummately Bcratch that of the gentleman who aspires 
to represent him in Congress, we step from the bogs and quicksands of con- 
jecture to the firm ground of assured truth. In this way he will devastate 
the feelings of many estimable citizens, but, on the other hand, he will 
somewhat tranquilize the turbulence of his own. 



Mr. Estee, who remains true to the anti-monopoly principles of '82, is 
no longer a power in his party ; he has been forced into a back seat. It is 
true he was granted the barren honor of the Chairmanship at the recent 
state convention ; but it is true also that he did not find the Chair a couch 
of roses. For this thing occurred : Senator Dave McClure had adroitly 
wedged himself in as a member of the Committee on Platform, with, we be- 
lieve, a number of prepared platforms in his pocket differing only in respect 
of the anti-monopoly plank which is Btill deemed a necessary part of a Re- 
publican platform. Mr. McClure's prepared platforms, identical in other 
particulars, had anti-monopoly planks of different strength, adapted to all 
capacities — he did not know who his fellow members would be. The one he 
ventured to produce was duly adopted, the anti-monopoly resolution declar" 
ing in the first sentence that " the Republican party of California has a con- 
sistent record in its unswerving devotion to the interests of the people in 
opposition to monopolies. " After this noble example of mendacity, it is as- 
serted that unjust discrimination in railroad matters is unjust, that charges 
should be limited to what the service is worth and that the Railroad Com- 
missioners should do their duty. The remainder of the resolution we in- 
terpret (perhaps incorrectly) to mean that abracadabra is an alamagoozlum. 
And this abominable and detested political adventurer — this professional 
mercenary — this traitor to every public trust, the very hairs of whose beard 
are outnumbered by his political infidelities — this man whose ribs are clothed 
in fat that belongs to the Central Pacific Railroad Company — this purifier 
of corporation cuspidores and Aquarius of corporation slops — this he-Danae 
making an insatiable lap for Crocker's golden shower — this associate of 
William W. Stow had the unthinkable hardihood to stand before M. M. 
Estee, read his platform with its anti- monopoly resolution and ask the favor 
of its adoption — which was unanimously granted. If there has been a dis- 
play of polar cheek excelling this ; in the procession of the centuries and 
the history of human ambitions if any blushless and bloodless moral idiot 
has ever before bestridden the topmost attainable ridge of effrontery with 
so simple an unconsciousness of shame, the record is lost and the tradition 
has perished out of memory. If the Republican party of California thinks 
itself strong enough to endure the pranks of such tomfools as this McClure 
person it is the happy possessor of a conceit that is invincible to reason and 
indocible to the suasion of experience. If it is too early to thrust all this 
railroad rascalry out of its counsels, it is too late to hope that the thousands 
whose reluctant defection two years ago taught it how unteachable it is can 
be torchlighted and brass banded into a renewal of their allegiance. 



By instinct, by sympathy, by habit, by all the usual considerations and 
circumstances that determine men's political alliances, we are Republican. 
That party never obtains a success in which we do not feel a satisfaction — 
openly or secretly according to the attitude that our higher loyalty to con- 
science and common sense has compelled us to assume with regard to the 
matter at issue. It never suffered a reverse — even one that we could not 
but wish that it might incur — without our having some share in the mortifi- 
cation of defeat. With none of the feebleness of a partisan advocate and 
none of the treason of a right-or-wrong apologist, but serving always, in our 
ungentle way, the interests that we deemed it truly Republican to serve, we 
have uniformly sought, and commonly found, sufficient scope for independence 
within the general trend and prolongation of the lateral lines bounding the 
Republican party's advance. It is our hope so to continue ; but assuredly 
if the platform upon which the party leaders prefer to stand is the platform 
of the Central Pacific Railroad's pay car we shall place upon the track such 
obstructions as may seem most likely to perform the needful service of de- 
railment. 



THE WASP. 



PRATTLE, 



An association is in process of evolution, having for its aim the aboli- 
tion of gas-fixtures, a multitude of feeble-minded persons having recently 
been unable to fight off the temptation of hanging themselves by the neck 
to these beckoning opportunities. The association will be called " The Anti- 
Gas-Fixture Prohibition League," and will vote in a body for Mr. John P. 
St. John, the presidential candidate whose principles most nearly resemble 
their own. Dr. R. H. McDonald, inventor and proprietor of the celebrated 
Excelsior Suspension Hook, is to be President of the league. 



Some of the precautions against contagion in the cholera districts of 
Europe are worth remembering in case the disagreeable epidemic should be 
substituted for local politics. In Aries the carpenters have had the fore- 
thought to refuse to make coffins for those who have died of it ; and when it 
threatened a Spanish town the inhabitants prudently retired to the other 
side of the boundary line between Spain and Portugal. 



A Republican political association in this city has obtained from the 
state of Maine a number of pine cones wherewith to decorate the livery of 
its idiots. It was this kind of thing that caused Zeno, the founder of the 
Stoics, to beat his breast and exclaim in a voice broken by sobs : " I'll be 
neverlastingly skunked to Blazes ! " It is believed that he eventually was. 



It begins to look more and more as if he ought to be called the white- 
plumed Never. 

The moon was gildiDg all the vale 

And Colonel Jackson praying ; 
His little night shirt wagged its tail ; 

This seemed what he was saying : 

" Lord, if ever I neglect 
One Democrat to slander, 
Or miss one term of disrespect — 
* Sneak,' ' libertine,' or ' pandar ' ; 

'■' If e'er with insufficient zeal 
I say that one's a purse thief, 
Yet do not make his mother feel 
That she's a vastly worse thief ; 

" If any lie I've overlooked, 
Or coarse calumniation 
A foeman's goose that might have cooked 
On coals of defamation ; 

" If e'er I've failed through feeble hate 
To pour a stream of mud out 
On * the opposing candidate ' — 
Or let the villain's blood out, 

" Forgive me mine imperfect art 

Where'er my work is slack, Lord : 
For though my liver's white, my heart — 
Thou knowest it is black, Lord." 



If the clerks and salesmen who are hopefully agitating for early closing 
of retail shops are wise they will dignify their association by calling it an 
<( ancient and honorable order." I do not know how old it is, but I remem- 
ber that it was exceedingly energetic and enthusiastic in 1868. Let others 
be cast down by temporary reverses, but a member of the Dry-Goods Clerks' 
Early Closing Association knows that the eternal years of God are his'n, 
and he is their'n. 



Choose ye this day whom ye will be served up for. Brethren, you are 
invited to take sides, making selection of masters and spoilers. Go get 
yourselves into similar habiliments and draw the length of your perspiring 
line through all manner of streets, larding the cobbles with the unpleasant 
utterance of your pores. Tickle your tympans with braying brass and hee- 
haw hurrahs. Darken the sunBhine with ascending flights of greasy head- 
gear, and by night kindle a lumination of reekiDg oils and transparencies 
that make unwell. Drink whisky. Incur contagions in hired halls by 
breathing the riddances of one another's lungs while brainless orators be- 
spatter you with spittle. Make of yourselves asses of superior asininity — 
asses for Cleveland or asses for Blaine ; it is all one — the important thing is 
to be an ass. 



Do you know, Johnny Voter, that you are a dupe 1 Does it penetrate 
your poor understanding that every time you throw off the top of your 
head to give tongue for the man of another man's choice the worthy persons 
who keep the table in the little game of politics are affected with merriment 
in the cuffs of them ? Have you ever a dawnlight of suspicion that in the 
service of their purpose your wage is their derision, your pension their silent 



contempt J 0, you will uphold a principle, will you, my hearty — you will 
stand in to avert the quadrennial peril to the country. You will assist in 
repelling the treasonable attempt of one half its inhabitants whose interest 
(obviously) lies in its destruction. You will be a "Republican" — or a 
11 Democrat " ; you will be it diligently, loudly and like the devil. Pray do ; 
and when you have processioned your feet sore and your teeth loose, and 
been a spectacular extravaganza to the tilling of your ambition's belly, may 
it comfort you to know that you have been a Tool. Fine friend, I am mor- 
tally indisposed of you ; for the love of heaven, take yourself out of my 
thoughts ! 



A local newspaper reports a combination among druggists to put up the 
prices of patent medicines. Mr. Undertaker will not have as many funerals 
to be solemn at as he had before, but he will be all the solemner for that. 
The more his solemnity is confined the more intensely it burns. I love to 
picture to myself the funeral of the Last Man, conducted by the world's 
undertakers ; no mourners, no friends of the family, no parson — nothing but 
a shoreless sea of undertakers, solemning as hard as ever they can, for they 
will never solemn again — sadding with all their might and dejecting infest- 
ively over the ultimate remain. This, by the way, is the only corpse I ever 
evolve from my fancy without mitigating the dismal effect upon my feelings 
by fitting it with the features of some personal enemy. 



It appears desirable to enrich the language with a new word — one that 
will mean the kind of twattle-and-fudge that is now commonly talked in 
parlors about painting and paintings. The primary requisite of the word 
is such a nice adjustment of sound to sense that when spoken with intelli- 
gent apprehension of its capabilities it may seem a symptom of some in- 
ternal malady. Indeed, it should deliver itself to the ear sickwise, as if 
itself suffering from vowel complaint. These conditions appear to be satisfied 
with reasonable fulness by the word which I have the honor to introduce to 
the reader's favor. It is " canvasation." 



Brother Mortificationofthenesh J. Mucker, who shoves the editorial 
quill of the Pacific Methodist, is of the opinion that the new policy of edu- 
cating Methodists is, on the whole, advantageous. This is liberality of a 
high order, coming as it does from one who owes so much to the opposite 
system. 

THE SOCIETY LADY'S LAMENT. 



A WoeM Ballad. 



Come, sisters, weep !— our Baron dear, 

Alas ! has run away. 
If always we had kept him here 

He had not gone astray. 

Painter and grainer it were vain 

To say he was, before ; 
And if he were, yet ne'er again 

He'll darken here a door. 

We mourn each matrimonial plan — 
E'en tradesmen join the cry, 

He was so promising a man 
Whenever he did buy. 

He was a fascinating lad, 

Deny it all who may; 
Even moneyed men confess he had 

A very taking way. 

So from our tables he is gone — 
Our tears descend in showers ; 

We loved the very fat upon 
His kidneys— for 'twas ours. 

Let low-born men distinction seek 

By hiring guests galore ; 
He'd dine a hundred in a week 

And never pay a score. 

To women he was all respect, 

To duns as cold as ice; 
No lady could his suit reject, 

No tailor get its price. 

We thought — before his call he got 
To go and join " Sir George " — ■ 

He'd strike the iron whene'er 'twas hot, 
But not that he would forge. 

He raised our hope above the sky ; 

Alas ! alack ! and ! 
That one who worked it up so high 

Should play it down so low. 



6 



THE WASP. 



THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY, 



Fatigue, n. The condition of a philosopher after having considered human 
wisdom and virtue. 

Fault, n. One of my offenses, as distinguished from one of yours, the latter 
being crimes. 

Faun, n. In Latin mythology, a kind of rural deity. The godhood of the 
Fauns was pretty nearly a sinecure, their duties consisting mainly in 
having pointed ears and liaisons with the nymphs. There were lady 
fauns (faunce) and these fawned on the satyrs. 

Fauna, n. A general name for the various beasts infesting any locality ex- 
clusive of domestic animals, traveling menageries and Democratic poli- 
ticians. 

Fear, n. A sense of the total depravity of the immediate future. 

He either fears his fate too much, 

Or his deserts are small, 
Who dares not put it to the touch — 

Who'd rather pass than call. — Sari of Montrose. 

Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration signalized by gluttony and 
drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished by 
abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are "movable " 
and " immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until 
they are full. In their earliest development these entertainments took 
the form of feaBta for the dead ; such were held by the Greeks, under 
the name of Nemeseia, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times 
they are popular with the Chinese ; though it is believed that the ancient 
dead, like the modern, were light eaters. Feasts on the dead are cele- 
brated with great Gelatin Fiji. Among the many feasts of the Romans 
was the Novendiale, which was held, according to Livy, whenever stones 
fell from heaven. Of all the feast days of the various Christian churches 
none have any sanction in the Gospel. Men make gods of their bellies, 
and then these gods ordain festivals. 

Felon", n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embrac- 
ing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. 

Female, n. One of the opposing, or unfair sex. 

The Maker, at Creation's birth, 
With living things had stocked the earth ; 
From elephants to bats and snails, 
They all were good, for all were males. 
Rut when the Devil came and saw 
He said : " By Thine eternal law 
Of growth, maturity, decay, 
These all must quickly pass away 
And leave untenanted the earth 
Unless Thou dost establish birth " — 
Then tucked his head beneath his wing 
To laugh — he had no sleeve — the thing 
With deviltry did so accord, 
That he'd suggested to the Lord. 
The Master pondered this advice. 
Then shook and threw the fateful dice 
Wherewith all matters here below 
Are ordered, and observed the throw ; 
Then bent His head in awful state, 
Confirming the decree of Fate. 
From every part of earth anew 
The conscious dust consenting flew, 
While rivers from their courses rolled 
To make it plastic for the mould. 
Enough collected (but no more, 
For niggard Nature hoards her store) 
He kneaded it to flexile clay, 
While Nick unseen threw some away. 
And then the various forms He cast, 
Gross organs first and fine the last ; 
No one at once evolved, but all 
By even touches grew and small 
Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, 
To match all living things, He'd made 
Females, complete in all their parts 
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. 
" No matter," Satan cried ; " with speed 
I'll fetch the very hearts they need" — 
So flew to Hell and soon brought back 
The number needed, in a sack. 
That night earth rang with sounds of strife — 
Ten million males had each a wife ; 
That night sweet peace her pinions spread 
O'er Hell — ten million devils dead ! 



CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS, 



If Maine's magnetic son can induce Georgia's electric daughter to lend 
a hand in pushing along his boom, it will be a great year for the lightning- 
rod agents. — N. Y. Star. 



Now the circus-goer's mission 

Is in tents ; 
And the plotting politician, 
Who is filled with wild ambition, 

Climbs the fence. 

He believes his chance of office 

Is immense ; 
While in scheming he's no novice, 
Yet his strength, tho' others scoff, is 

Innocence. 



-Cambridge Tribune. 



The Democratic papers in the West say that Ben Butler is posing, while 



those in the South say that he is imposing. The truth seems to be just now 
hat he is reposing. — N. Y. Tribune. 

Senator Conger sat near the newspaper racks in the Grand Pacific, en- 
joying his cigar and a chat with his friend Roswell G. Horr. 

" Can I see you a moment, Senator ? " asked a strange young man. 
" Certainly,' 1 said the Senator, rising. 
The young man led him away across the large room, and seemed to 
have something very important to impart to him, and to him alone. Clear 
down close to the corner the young man spoke right in the Senator's ear. 

" I guess you don't know me. I'm the editor of the burg Enterprise. 

I want you to tell me just the situation here." 

The Senator looked a little puzzled at first, then said : " Come with 
me." And, leading the way, he walked through the reading-room, down 
the office steps, up the ladies' parlor stairs, through the long entre sol to the 
dining-room, and, drawing him close into the corner behind a hat-rack, 
said : " I don't know anything about it." — N. Y. Star. 



" Husband, darling, tell me true, 

What mean the papers by tattoo ? " 
" It is an army call," he said, 
" That packs the soldiers off to bed ; 
Then comes the ' taps,' out goes the light, 
And all are settled for the night." 

" Husband, dear, what's that to do 

With Mr. Blaine and his tattoo ? " 
" A good deal, dear. A case like this 

Is a call played on his epidermis ; 

The ' taps ' are given in the fall ; 

We'll ' play him out,' and that is alL" 

" Husband, darling, after 'taps' 
The tattooed man will sleep perhaps?" 

" Sleep ain't the word; he'll hibernate; 
No reveille can him awake. 
This mottoed man of blue and red 
Won't care to stir from out his bed." 



-Baltimore Day. 



Carl Schurz continues to flock all by himself. He is excellent company 
for himself this warm weather. Both he and himself are on such good terms' 
with Schurz. — Philadelphia Press. 



When the nomination of Cleveland was announced on the Herald 
bulletin, an excited man on the sidewalk turned to a man standing in St. 
Paul's grave-yard, and said : 

" Why don't you call the dead up to join in the racket ? " 
" Because the corpse is on the other ticket," was the calm rejoinder. — 
Puck. 



Go to work, ye varlets all, 

Gather up your tale of sticks, 

Gather great and gather small, 

Big must be the blaze next fall 

To cook the broth of politics. 

Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, 

Set the tmldron on ! 
Heap the faggots double, double, 
Till the broth is done. 



SAVED HIMSELF WITH TAFFY, 



He was late, and he was not altogether as he ought to have been. He 
saw by the light of the window that she was waiting for him, and he trem- 
bled, well knowing that he merited severe rebuke. As he entered the room 
she began : 

11 This is a nice time of " 

" My dear," he interrupted, "you can't tell what I was — hie — thinking 
of just now. Rather what you reminded me of as I came in. The lamp on 
the table and you sitting close to it. You and the lamp remind me of the 
philosophy of which Matthew Arnold is the 'postle — you and the lamp — 
see 1 " 

" No, I don't see. This is a nice " 

" Well — hie — I'll show you. Matthew Arnold is the 'postle of sweetness 
and light. You and the lamp fill the bill — sweetness and light. The lamp 
is the light and you are the sweetness. " 

"You foolish fellow," said she, with a smile ; "what are you standing 
there for? Let me help you off with your coat." 



ECONOMIZING SPACE, 



Clara Belle writes to the Cincinnati Enquirer: "Unless you have seen 
them you can have no idea of the smallness of the suits of rooms which New 
York families of considerable pretension to style are willing to habitate. 
Not a square foot of space is wasted. The parlors are bed-rooms in size, and 
the bed-rooms are mere closets. The state-room of a steamship is commodi- 
ous compared with some boxes in which human beings sleep in this city. 

" ' Aren't you laced rather tight ? ' I said to an acquaintance on whom I 
called in the morning at an hour when women usually relax the bonds of 
cossage. She wore a tight-fitting pointed bodice, of a kind which although 
in itself calculated to make the waist look smaller than it is, was in this in- 
stance drawn down to the meagerest possible girth. ( Yes, I'm nigh cut in 
two,' she replied, frankly ; ' but the fact is that our rooms are so small that 
I feel I must economize space. I wore a blouse bodice yesterday, do you 
know, and it just seemed as though I filled the parlor chock up.' " 



The Judge got home rather late the other evening and found a young 
fellow sitting on the sofa with the "sole daughter of his house and heart." 
"Well, sir," said the judicial gentleman; "what are you doing here?" 
"I have come into court, Your Honor, for the defendant, " was the ready 
reply. 



THE WASP. 



CITY MILK. 



When at the dairy-farm, in rows 

The cows are milked, behind barn-doors 
The farmer regularly goes 

And in the milk some water pours. 

The farmer's wife might this divine, 

She knows his business, counts his scores, 
But acts like landlord with his wine, 

And in the milk some water pours. 

The milkman, crafty man is he, 

He knows the custom nor deplores, 
He will not an exception be. 

And in the milk some water pours. 

The cook — »ly pubs!— gives flowing bowl 

To thirsty beau who drink implores, 
She must replace the half he stole, 

And in the milk some water pours. 

The frugal hi -use wife, sharp in look, 

Is versed in tricks to keep her stores, 
She goes behind her busy cook 

And in the milk some water pours. 

The eldest daughter, fresh from school, 

The kitchen earnestly explores, 
Means to observe each thrifty rule, 

And in the milk some water pours. 

But as the father coffee sips 
He has no notion what they do. 
" YeB, now-a-days" — his scornful lips — 
" Cows are infernal humbugs too ! " 

— Translated from tfie German by E. F. Dawson. 



A WOMAN'S JOURNAL, 



Lm. 



Thursday, July 24th. 

I have now been publishing this journal for a year. When I think that 
I have made three hundred and sixty-five notes comparatively free from the 
cheap sentiment supposed to characterize a woman's journal, I give myself 
three cheers. I have been quoted by the Eastern press, and my provincial 
heart waB stirred. I proceed to make another year's record for myself. 

This evening's Bulletin editorial on the coming home of tourists turned 
back from a journey to Europe by the cholera, is equal in acumen to any of 
Dr. Bartlett's renowned weather-strips. 

In the same ten lines it says that there is an opportunity for these 
would-be tourists to learn something about their own country, that they 
may learn something about their own country, and that they are ignorant 
of anything of interest in their own country. This subtly leads up to a later 
intimation that for those who cannot spend the summer abroad, there is still 
something to be seen at home, and an advertisement for Yosemite and the 
Yellowstone Park is run with a covert ingenuity calculated to baffle the 
most discerning. 

Own country. 

Friday, 25th. 

I was delighted with Herr Bandmann'a speech before the raising of the 
curtain at the Grand Opera House Monday night. He said that he appeared 
in the shape of an apology to explain what prevented the delay. The tragic 
effect of his stride was heightened by the melancholy daDgling of his bretelles 
between the skirts of the ulster in which he had hastily encased his manly 
form. 

Saturday, 26th. 

The English laugh at us for our study of the dictionary, but I know of 
nothing more haunting than the discovery that you and your neighbors and 
the great of the earth have all been misusing some word whose true signifi- 
cance you discover during some of your incursions into the "Water-bug " as 
the flippant mis-call Worterbuch, which is in fact the German for dictionary. 

For a long time, being wholly Worcester guided, I thought I had the 
discovery of the age as to the meaning of the word lymphatic. AH speakers 
and many writers made it synonymous with phlegmatic, meaning heavy and 
dull. Worcester, after carefully deriving it from nymph, and making the 
muses the same as nymphs, and incidentally remarking that among the 
ancients any one in a state of rapture, poet or madman, was said to have 
been caught by the nymphs, defined lymphatic as enthusiastic, raving, in- 
sane — quite the opposite of dull, one would say. I was prepared to spring 
this upon a dazzled world, when a glance into the American's own Webster 
stayed my fell purpose. After displaying as much lore as Worcester, Noah 
proceeded to remark that nymph or lymph really meant water — that lymph 
stood in medicine for a watery humor of the body, and that where this 
humor predominated the temperament was dull ; hence, as applied to tem- 
perament : 

Lymphatic, a. 1. Heavy, dull. 2. Enthusiastic ; raving. [06s.] 

I voted myself an old fogy and turned my attention to avocation. Here is 
a real treasure trove. The average idiot uses this word interchangeably with 
vocation, and does not know that he is committing a deadly sin. An avoca- 
tion calls away from a vocation. A woman's vocation is darning stockings ; 
her avocation paying visits. A man's vocation is poker ; his avocation rea- 
soning with duns. The smaller affairs of life, or occasional calls which sum- 
mon a person to leave his ordinary or principal business ; this is the mean- 



ing of the word avocation, and "the use of this word for vocation is very 
improper," says Noah. 

Sunday, 27th. 
I am pleased to hear Frank call our great chess champion Dr. Sugar- 
tongs, and Ouida's latest novel " Princess Next beat thing." 

Monday, 28th, 

I am very fond of the charity that calls itself the Boys' and Girls' Aid. 
I have visited the headquarters out on Clementina street once or twice, and 
the idea strikes me as a good one. There is no gush about it. Little hood- 
lums are fished out of the mire and surrounded with cleanliness, physical 
and mental, and put out to service in country homes. While the homes are 
being found and examined into the youngsters are boarded at the Aid. A 
cynic would feel very badly over the large percentage of these embryo 
criminals that turns out well. After all, it takes a good deal of dirt to bury 
the self-respect in a young thing. Children are better than grown-ups, 
through very inexperience, no matter how knowing they may be. Hilda 
calls the place the Lemonade and the children the Lemons. One of the 
Lemons was playing with marbles during school hourB one day, when Hilda 
promptly confiscated the marbles. At receBS the chum of the erring marble- 
player came to Hilda and aaid, " Oh, won't you give him back his marbles ? " 
" No," said Hilda, "I don't think I will. You see the only pleasure there 
is for him in playing with marbles in school is the chance that I will take 
them away from him. I have taken them away from him — his curiosity was 
satisfied on that point. Now he wonders whether I will give them back. 
That gives him something to think about. I feel that I am giving him all 
the emotions that properly belong to his game of marbles. If I gave them 
back to him it would be comparatively tame." The interceding Lemon did 
not regard this reasoning as a joke at all. He reflected seriously a while. 
" I think he enjoyB the marbles themselves," he said at last, " because he 
can't go out and buy more. You could, you know. You don't care for 
marbles, because you could buy all you want, but these are all he's got. Do 
you hear that sound ? That's water running into our swimming tank ; it's 
been running in all day. You've seen it dry, but you never saw the water 
in it. Now, if you'll give him back his marbles I'll show you the tank. 
There ain't much I can do, you know." 

His allusions to his comrade's limited enjoyments and his own limited 
resources in the way of barter or bribery touched Hilda, as the young repro- 
bate probably meant they should. She weakly confessed that Bhe had always 
intended to give back the marbles after school hours, but as a matter of 
principle put off seeing the swimming tank until next week. 

Bless the children, clean or dirty, there's a good deal of imp in them, 
but there's a good deal of angel. Strange that the growing tall process 
should turn them into these queer animals we call men and women — un- 
couth, unlovely, unkind, untruthful, unspeakable — so little is the child 
father to the man, Mr. Wordsworth. 

I love dogs and every little child — that's what Jean Paul meant to say. 

Jael Dence. 

MRS. MICKSON'S ROBBER, 



The clock struck "3," two of the children awoke with "squalls" and 
Mrs. Mickson, turning over with a flounce, called to her husband, who was 
lying in an adjoining room : 

" Peter ! " 

" Well." 

" I believe that there is a man in this house." 

" Yes, I'm here." 

" I don't mean you. I smell a cigar." 

" Where did you get it ? " 

" I haven't got it, you greenhorn. I mean that I smell cigar smoke. I 
know that somebody has slipped into this houBe, and you needn't say there 
hasn't," and she arose and looked under the bed. 

" Who do you think it is ? " asked her husband. 

(( It's a robber, that's who." 

" Do you think a robber would come around a man's house and smoke 
cigars ? " 

" It makes no difference. I smell cigar smoke," opening the closet door. 

* ( I smell cigar smoke, too," said the husband. "I have been smelling it 
for some time." 

" Get up and help me look for it." 

" What, the smoke?" 

" No ; the man." 

" Come on, and I think we can find him." 
Mrs. Mickson entered her husband's room and found that gentleman 
lying on the bed smoking a cigar. 

" I don't believe you have good sense !" indignantly exclaimed the wife. 
" Why didn't you tell me that you were lying here smoking like a fool ? " 

" Because I am not smoking like a fool." 

" Oh, you think you are smart," and the lady went back and tumbled 
into bed. 

THRIFT. 



An eccentric character living in Western Massachusetts had the misfor- 
tune to lose his wife, and all arrangements were made for interring the 
worthy lady's remains with fitting solemnity. When the hour for the cere- 
mony arrived, however, the bereaved husband was nowhere to be found, and 
consternation fell upon the funeral guests as the minutes passed without his 
appearing. Just as the suspense was becoming unbearable the widower 
came striding in from the back yard, puffing as if from violent exertion, his 
clothes covered with mud and his shirt sleeves rolled to the elbow. " Well, 
now ! " he exclaimed in a loud tone as he came upon the silent company 
awaiting him ; "is everything all ready ? I thought as it was a kind of a 
broken day I'd take time by the forelock and clean out the well. I won't 
be more'n two jiffies fixin' up, and then, if you hurry things a, little, parson, 
we shall get to the grave full as quick'B if I'd been sittin' here wastin' half 
a day." 



IO 



THE WASP. 



OUR BITTER HALVES. 



Who is that little woman there, 
With laughing eyes and dark-brown hair, 
And physiognomy so fair ? 
My wife. 

Who's not as meek as she appears, 
And doesn't believe one-half she hears, 
And toward me entertains no fears ? 
My consort. 

Who wakes me up on every morning, 
About the time the day is dawning, 
My protestations calmly scorning ? 
My spouse. 

Who runs this house both night and day, 
And over all exerts her sway ; 
Who's boss o' this shanty, anyway? 
My better half. 



A certain gentleman, whose fortune has been made in railroad stocks, 
d who has a Bhowy establishment not ten miles from Boston, took unto 
nself a second wife, one of Chicago's fair daughters. A lady called upon 
3 bride, and in a lapse of- the rather dragging conversation made some 
sua! remark upon an oil painting of a female head hanging upon the parlor 
11. " Is it a portrait of one of\ your husband's family 1 " she asked ; " I 
»m to see a faint likeness." ""Well, not exactly one of his family," the 
atess replied ; "it was a picture of his first wife once, but it wasn't a very 
od likeness, so we had the eyes changed and a feather put in the hair, and 
ep it for a fancy head." 



A Walla Walla Chinaman enlightened his mistress on the market value 
wives in the flowery kingdom : " Flee hund-dolla, dam good gal, heap 
tty ; two hund-Bixee dolla not much plitty ; two hund dolla, no good — allee 
ne monkey. 

Miss Maud Howe, in her latest alleged novel, announces as the present 
itform for women that they ". are neither angels who stand immeasurably 
ove man, nor inferior beings whose place is at their feet, but human, like 
emselves, full of good and faulty instincts, and, with all their imperfec- 
>ns, the God-given helpmates of man." It is well. — N. T. World. 



joinder, " What did you do ? " " I — I asked him if he would please excuse 
my landing a little prematurely." 



RONDEAU A LA NEW YOKE. 

A pot of gold ! O mistress fair, 
With eyeB of brown that pass compare. 
Ere I on bended knee express 
The love which you already guess, 
I fain would ask a small affair. 

Hast thou, my dear, an ample share 
Of this world's goods ? Wilt thy papa 
Disgorge to guild our blessedness 

A pot of gold ? 

Some swains for mental graces care ; 
Some fall a prey to golden hair ; 

I am not blind, I will confess. 

To intellect or comeliness ; 
Still let these go beside, ma chere, 

A pot of gold. 



First School Girl (with sudden interest) : Oh, I forgot to tell you that 
was engaged 1 
"Really?" 

" Oh, yes ; and I am so happy I don't know what to do." 
" That's just the way I felt ; but after you have been engaged thirteen or 
urteen times you won't give it a second thought. Indeed, you'll have to 
>p to think of his name. " 

The seats in a Western church are set on pivots, like those in a dry goods 
ore. This enables the fair worshiper, who sits pretty well up front, to 
rn around and count the number of new bonnets in the house without 
rewing her head off almost and going home with a stiff neck. 



" So you think your son smokes, Mrs. .Tones ? " 

" I'm sure of it, Mrs. Brown. I've found pieces of tobacco in his 

)ckets." 

" Dear me, dear me 1 I'm sorry. My son has no bad habits. I never 

id anything in his pockets but cloves and coffee beans." 

PRIVATE THEATRICALS. 

You were a naughty beauty, Polly, 

(That was in the play,) 
I was the lover, melancholy ; 

(That was in the play,) 
And when your fan and you receded, 
And all my passion lay unheeded, 
If still with tender words I pleaded — 

That was in the play ! 

I met my rival at the gateway, 

(That was in the play,) 
And so we fought a duel straightway ; 

(That was in the play. ) 
But when Jack hurt my arm unduly, 
And you rushed over, softened newly, 
To kiss me, Polly ! Truly, truly, 

Was that in the play ? 

— Louise Imogen Chtiney, 

" O mamma, if you will believe it ! " laughed a pretty girl on her return 
om the picnic, " the boat jolted as we touched the wharf and threw me 
ght'into the lap of a young gentleman ! " " Why ! " was the horrifid re- 



It is not proper for young ladies to send many telegrams, because they 
would be guilty of " flash " language. 



A "horrid" bachelor once remarked that while sitting in church he 
could tell the relative positions of the ladies by the waving of their fans : 
' ' Young girls fanned themselves rapidly, as if to say, ( I'll catch him, I'll 
catch him, I'll catch him ' ; while matrons are morn calm about it and teach 
their fans to softly murmur, 'I've — got — him. I've— got — him, I've — got 
— him'; while fans in the hands of widows tell ill- »ad story as plain as 
possible, 'I'-v-e — 1-o-s-t — h-i-m, I'-v-e — 1-o-s-t — u i-.u, I'-v-e — 1-o-s-t — - 
h-i-m.' " 



" May is said to be an unlucky month for marriages." An old bachelor 
says that, according to the testimony of his friends whn have slipped their 
heads into the matrimonial noose, the other unlucky iimnths for marriages 
are June, July, August, September, October, November, December, Janu- 
ary, February, March and April. 



A charitable lady— Jenny-rosity. 



" That Husband of Mine " was lying upon the lap of a young married 
woman on the train the other day when a baseball dude and would-be masher 
leaned over the seat, read the title of the book, and then, looking around in 
monkey pantomime, simpered out : "Ah! where is he?" "Minding his 
own business, I hope," was the crushing reply. 



REVENGE IS SWEET. 



Gallagher is satisfied. The facts are these : Gallagher waB the Presi- 
dent of a dramatic club, and wrote a piece for them. It called for nine per- 
sons, and everybody in the cast except Gallagher considered that he or she 
had the worst part, and that it was so on purpose. At first they didn't pro- 
pose to play, but finally decided to do so, and concocted a plan to punish 
Gallagher. He played the hero, and in the first act said farewell to his 
mother and went off to sea, and when she parted with him she contriyed to 
wrench his head and scratch his nose on a pin fixed in the shoulder of her 
dress for that purpose. That eased her mind and disturbed his ; but he sub- 
mitted. 

In the next act he appeared on shipboard and had to be knocked down 
by the cruel captain, who hit him so earnestly with a belaying-pin that it 
nearly killed him. And then when he headed the mutiny and cried to the 
mutineers, " Follow me ! " somebody opened a trap, and he ignominiously 
fell through it and got terribly guyed by the audience. He was awfully mad, 
but determined to conquer in spite of the disaster, and so came up and went 
on with the play. 

In the third act he was to have a terrible combat with the villain of the 
play and whip him. Mr. Hencoop Smythe played the part. He was satis- 
fied that he had the worst part in the piece, and that Gallagher made it so 
to spite him. ■ Gallagher, as he clinched him, cried: "Villain, I'll beat 
your life out in two seconds. " But he didn't. The villain was the stronger 
man, and the way he lathered Gallagher about the stage was awful. When 
it came to that point where the villain was to cry : "Let me up ! I'm 
crushed ! " he had Gallagher under the table and was beating him with a 
chair leg, and of course his speech and Gallagher's reply : "I will not spare 
your life !" sounded absurd. Before the villain consented to be overcome, 
he had got the audience shrieking with laughter, and had beaten Gallagher 
black and blue all over. 

Gallagher went home terribly enraged, and the rest of the company were 
delighted. The piece was to be played next night, and Gallagher reported 
himself too ill to appear. But he sent a substitute. That substitute was a 
prize-fighter under an assumed name. He hugged the mother so in the part- 
ing scene that he nearly killed her, and pulled her false hair off accidentally. 
He threw the cruel captain down the trap. He hurt all the other actors, and, 
in the fight with the villain, mopped the whole stage with him and hurled 
him clear through the back flat. The company and scenery were completely 
wrecked, confusion reigned, and Gallagher sat in front and laughed till he 
nearly died. Revenge is sweet. 



COULD NOT CALL HIM THAT. 



A phrenologist visited Indianapolis to give a series of lectures. He was 
greeted the first evening by a large audience. He called for voluntary sub- 
jects for examination. 

A farmer ventured forth and ascended the stage. The scientist felt his 
subject's cranium, dwelt for some time on the individual traits manifested 
by the developments of the skull, and then turning to the audience he re- 
marked, pointing at the farmer in the chair : 

' ' This gentleman is naturally an idiosyncratic hypochondriac. " 

Something was knocked like a streak of greased lightning through the 
left wing. 

" He could feel them air bumps all he minded ter," said the farmer, who 
felt that he owed the audience an explanation, " but he couldn't call me no 
sich name as thet. " 

The remainder of the lecture and the rest of the series were postponed 
indefinitely. 

" No," said a far-sighted father, "I don't want a dog to keep the young 
men away, but I shall get one by and by. " 
" Whenl " asked the dog dealer. 
" After my daughters get married." 
" But what will you want of a dog then 1 " 
" To keep them and their husbands from coming back here to live." 



THE WASP. 



11 



THE "WASP'S" NOTE-BOOK. 



Literary crookedness : In the French Library here there may be seen 
a profusely illustrated volume, entitled La Lettn Rouge. The title-page 
gives the author's name as Eugene Nus, and bears the amusing legend : 
" All reproduction is interdicted.'' It is Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter. 

An extraordinary action for libel was tried recently at Lincoln, Eng- 
land. Captain Charles Brook, losing his wife, had these lines inscribed on 
a black-edged memorial card for circulation among his friends : 

" Farewell, dear husband and baby dear ; 
I loved you faithful to the last ; 
Cruel ray mother has been to me, 
Which caused my days so short with thee. 
May the Lord have mercy on her soul, 
And change her wicked heart ! " 

The lines are from an ancient ballad, to be found either in Walter Scott's 
Border Minstrelsy or Percy's collection. The captain was sentenced to pay 
£"25 and costs. He was " death on " his mother-in-law. 



The Loudon Truth speaks of a doctor, the Hon. Alan Herbert, brother 
of the Earl of Carnarvon, who "may be confident of a large female dienft '. , 
because he has teeth as even as peas in a well-grown pod and white and 
transparent." We once heard a lady say of a stranger : " He is a perfect 
gentleman— he has splendid teeth ! " After hearing such absurd speeches we 
cannot deny the vexatious truth of the way John Hay makes two women 
talk in his Casiilian Days. Speaking of the Library in the Escorial, he 
mentions a Koran said to be the one captured by Don Juan at Lepanto. 
"Mr. Ford says it is spurious ; Mr. Madoz says it is genuine. The ladies 
with whom I had the happiness to visit the Library inclined to the latter 
opinion, for two very good reasons : the book is a very pretty one, and Mr. 
Madoz's head is much balder than Mr. Ford's." 



The Detroit Free Press tells about a shower of chalk at Wangoshance 
Lighthouse, the roof and pier in an instant covered inch-deep and all Lake 
Michigan within view white with it. The account ends with these words : 
" It smells Btrongly of lye." We thought we scented this, but we spell it 
differently. 

PERSONAL, 



Dr. Mary Walker's motto is " flora Soit Qui Mai y Pants." 

Tabor has a half interest in a baby. 

Mrs. Logan expects to be Vice-President. 

Thebaw, King of Burmah, recently killed his wife, in order to marry 
her sister. We always knew his was Thebaws style of settling domestic 
problems. 

Josh Billings has gone to the Adirondacks for the summer. It is ex- 
pected that there will be a bad spell of weather up there this season. 

Mark Twain's house in Hartford is said to resemble a crazy quilt made 
out of brick. 

" Mr. Blaine has been an almighty lucky man all his life, and I believe he 
will be elected," remarked an Easterner the other night. 

" I never heard that he had had any great luck," said his companion. 

" Never did, eh ? Well, let me tell you of one streak, just one. When 
he was a young man he courted two girls who were cousins. One of them 
was lovely in disposition and the other was rather peppery, but smarter than 
lightning. He thought the most of the latter for a while, but he finally 
concluded to tie up to the other one, and, as she was willing, they were 
married, and a very happy match it has been." 

" Well, I don't see any unusual luck in that. Thousands of men are hap- 
pily married." 

" True, true ; but thousands of men don't just escape proposing to Gail 
Hamilton, by thunder, and that's what he did." 

One day during a noted Kentucky campaign, and while the Confederate 

army was passing through Allen county, General Breckenridge, approaching 

General Hindman, said : 

" We are only a short distance now from Bear Waller and are not very far 

from Jimtown." 

The solemnity of his manner attracted Hindman's serious attention, 

and, regarding Breckenridge with a long look of inquiry, he asked : 
" But, General, why does our nearness to those places concern you ? " 
" Well, you see," Breckenridge replied, "I fear it will be my fate to be 

killed in an action at Jimtown or Bear Waller. Bear Waller ! " he repeated. 

" The thought of being killed at a place with such a name makes me sick." 

TAFFY AMONG THE GREAT, 



It is a dinner of literary men. M. Arsene Houssaye proposes Victor 
Hugo's health, thus : " Victor Hugo gloriously continues the Reign of the 
Sovereign of Thought. Victor Hugo succeeds Voltaire as Voltaire succeeds 
Moliere, as Moliere succeeds Shakespeare, as Shakespeare succeeds Dante, 
as Dante succeeds Virgil, as Virgil succeeds Homer. I drink to Homer- 
Hugo.'' Then the " Master " graciously responds. "You ask," he says, re- 
ferring to another passage in M. Houssaye's speech, "if you are a prose 
writer or a poet. You are a man ; you are a genius. I recognize in you a 
contemporary whose memory will live. I feel that you and I will meet again 
to continue our work in the Pleiades, those immortal lights which speak the 
invigorating language of truth in the splendor of the beautiful. "— JV. Y. 
Tribune. 

A man whose knowledge is based on actual experience says that, when 
calling on their sweethearts, young men should carry affection in their 
hearts,"perfection in their manners and confection in their pockets. 



ASSISTED WIT, 



Assisted by the Scissors from the Columns of Oar Contemporaries Into Oars. 



Odd, is it not, that, when a singer finds his voice thick, and strains it, 
a good result does not necessarily follow. 

Though you may turn your horse into a field it does not follow that he 
will become landed property. 



Owner: What, McPhearson, grumbling again,! Ain't the yacht's 
provisions good enough for you ? 

Sailing Mastek : Yes; they're good enough what there is of 'em. 

< Iwkeb : Well, isn't there enough of 'em ? 

Sailing Master : Yes ; there's enough of 'em for what they are. 



Parsons are alwayB well versed in the amenities' of life. 



The lot of moBt sorts of fish is — well, very " fishy," but that of an oyster 
is worse than any, because his case is always a hard one. 

" Did you write up this local for Snooks the grocer 1 " asked the city 
editor of a co-temporary of his assistant. 

" Yes, Bir." 

" Well, do you consider it juBt the thing to announce that his fresh eggs 
can't be beat ; his cheese goes off of its own accord, and his butter occupies 
a stroug place in the regard of the public I " 



"Time's money," growled the disappointed creditor. "Well," replied 
the persecuted debtor, "haven't I always said I'd pay you in time?" 

A noiseless roller skate has been invented, but the bumps on the floor 
sound as loud as ever. 



Can you speak of a young lady as being brow-beaten when she has her 
hair banged. 



We congratulated a friend on his marriage, remarking, cheerfully: "If 
you get the right one, there's nothing on earth like it." With a dubious 
look, he replied : " Ah ! and if you don't get the right one, there's nothing 
on earth like it." 



Tom : Putting on your overcoat, old man ? A case of meander, I sup- 
pose ? 

Fked : Yes. A case of me-and-her. Ta-ta. 



A dispatch says that two of London's distinguished authors are writing 
a joint book. A work on anatomy, doubtless. 



Why is it that a man, whenever he passes a broom lying in the front 
hallway, always stands stock still and shouts until he is black in the face 
for the chambermaid to come and pick it up, instead of picking it up and 
placing it where it belongs ? But, then, some men have good reason to be 
afraid of a broomstick, however fallen its condition. 



A Zulu belle is like the proverbial prophet. She has not much on'er in 
her own country. 



The vice which never sticks to young people, though they are more ex- 
posed to it than any other — Advice. 



" Vy I didn't buy dot ring off Silbermann, eh? Veil, Silbermann vas 
goin' to marry my vife vunce, un' he didn't. Ven a man vas schmarter as I, 
I don' do no pizzness mit him, ain't it? " 



What is my opinion of education ? It is intellect run into a mold. 

Palming off last year's ice on the community has been started by some 
of the ice dealers. 



The Church Fair — The soprano. A Great Bender — The Immature 
Peach. 



DISCOVERY. 

We went out to dinner the other night, and tasted some most delioious soup. I 
perpetrated a fearful piece of rudeness, and asked our hostess for the recipe. Would 
you believe it. she told me it was made from Liebig's extract ? — of course made up with 
vegetables. I have been obliged to give up soups this weather, I find it so difficult to 
keep the stock ; but now that I know how to make stock each day from Liebig, I shall 
surprise Tom with an amount of new soups. The flavor is excellent, and one would 
imagine that it was the most expensive stock — not humble, inexpensive Liebig. — 
Lady * * * # in "Life." 

HAVE YOUR JEWELRY, FANS, WATCHES, ETC. REPAIRED. 

If you want your jewelry, watches, clocks, fanB, etc. neatly repaired and made as 
good as new, go to S. J. Pembrooke, watchmaker and jeweler, 212 O'Farrell street, 
near Powell. 



SUBSCRIBERS 
Who desire to keep the "WASP" on file, can now be again supplied with 
Covers. Price, Fifty Cents. 

Library of the Ligue Nationals Franchise, 120 Sutter street, first story, open daily, 
except Sundays, from noon to 6 p.m., and from 7:30 to 10 o'clock, P. M. Terms of ad- 
mission : One dollar entrance fee, and fifty cents per month. 



J. P. Tenthorey & Co., 558 Mission street, have always on band for the trade the 
finest Maccaroni, Vermicelli, Farina and paste of all descriptions in French and Italian 
style. £3TNo retail in our factory. 



12 



THE WASP- 



show NOTES, 



The C. S. L. company said, "We will show you what we can do." They have 
shown us. They can sing Alda well. It is their opera — apparently their only one — 
for they have given it five times since they opened, have postponed two other adver- 
tised operas, Norma and Buy Bias, and their Trovatore was in many ways a disap- 
pointment, though in some respects it was better than usual. The part of " Ferrando," 
for instance, was taken by Signor Serbolini, who gave the opening air, " Abbietta 
Zingara," better than it has ever been sung in the city — in fact, it has never before been 
given to so competent a singer. The florid music of the air is difficult for a basso, but 
Signor Serbolini rolled off the notes with delightful smoothness. His low notes are 
weak, which is surprising in a voice of that character, but this seems to be a defect 
common to all the members of the troupe except the tenor, whose full tones, no matter 
how soft, throb through the orchestral accompaniment like the notes of a solo violin in 
a concerto. Signora Peri as " Leonora " was pleasing, but rather slight in voice and 
dramatic power — indeed, all the feminine members of the troupe are conventional 
merely. This is noticeable in none more painfully than in Signora Mestres, who as- 
sumed the r61e of "Azucena." Her voice is badly worn, the upper notes so broken 
that it must have been a matter of speculation among those who do not know the score 
well, if any such there be, whether she was trying to sustain a note or trill it. She 
forces her chest tones too high and fails of the effect she wishes, and her change from 
head or middle register to chest is very bad. The opera is threadbare, and to those 
who found fresh interest given it by the dramatic fervor and originality of Miss Cary's 
voice and acting and perfect method in singing, Signora Mestres was almost distress- 
ing. Her taste in dress, too, is peculiar. Miss Cary did not scruple to stain her milk. 
white arms and fair skin and don a black mane of hair, against which the coins of her 
head-dress gleamed barbaric, but this "Azucena" is more blonde than the usually 
blonde " Leonora " ; and while her dress may be realistic, it is not that of the operatic 
gypsy, and in Trovatore one prefers the operatic. Signor Giannini seemed to be suf- 
fering from the effects of our delightful climate, for his upper notes, particularly in his 
opening serenade behind the scenes, and in his great air, " Di quella Pira," were husky 
and veiled. The effort to keep his voice clear was the probable reason why his sing- 
ing behind the scenes both times was too loud and forced. Signor Vilmant, as the 
" Count de Luna," displayed even more talent than in his " Amonasro," except in 
the place where he should have been most inspired : in the flowing air, "II Balen," 
which was rough and jerky. He seemed to have lost control of himself, and in his 
nervousness his breath came short and was frequently renewed in the middle of words. 

Signor Logheder seemed to be laboring under unusual excitement, and took the 
opera in such rapid tempo that he and the orchestra were often about a beat and a half 
ahead of the chorus and sometimes of the principals in the concerted parts. "The 
" Miserere " was galloped through in a way that took all the churchliness and funeral 
solemnity out of it. Italian chorals have not the distinct ecclesiastical character of 
German chorals, and therefore require more careful treatment. The scenery and cos- 
tumes were excellent. It is long since " de Luna's" men have been permitted a uni- 
form, and the effect was refreshing. The audience was enthusiastic as ever, and their 
vigorous applause and recalls are grateful and encouraging to the singers, but the ten- 
dency to applaud any and every high note, no matter where it occurs, is a little em- 
barrassing at times, though with unusual good nature they subside at the half-angry 
" Hush ! " of a few connoisseurs, to break out more obstreperously at the close. 

H. M. L. 

There is a good deal of talent in the Leon & Cushman Minstrel Company, who 
have possession at the Bush-street Theater, and a good deal of shrewdness. They 
know that the life of such a nondescript affair as what they are giving us is to " keep 
the train a-moving," and they accordingly whoop things up with exceeding rapidity 
and variety. If the audience doesn't laugh at this it will clap that, so we get the or- 
chestra at its loudest and fastest all the time, a beautifully-drilled chorus of waiters 
the first thing upon the rising of the curtain, which sets us in a grinning good humor 
at the outset. Then begins the unearthly farce of Sarah Barnum's Dilemma. " Sarah 
Barnum" has nothing whatever to do with Sarah Bernhardt ; it is the name of the fe- 
male character of the farce assumed by " The Only Leon." The only Leon must have 
observed women with rather a cynical eye and must have studied them long and pa- 
tiently. He plays this female character with a black face and woolly hair, but with 
those appliances all attempt at race portrayal ceases. What the man really acts is the 
half-bred, would-be elegant, good-naturedly insolent Western girl — as distinct a type 
as any in the United States. The spoken part of Leon's song, "The Gay Dudette," 
is as great a triumph of art as the character of "Maud Matchin " in the immortal 
Breadwinners. I wonder whether, when the history of these states has become ancient 
history, whether any record of such performances as Sarah Barnum? s Dilemma will sur- 
vive, and whether the Leons of the burnt-cork brotherhood will rise to the legitimate 
Btage and be the " Ophelias " and " Fe'doras " and " Kate Hardcastles " in the not 
very far future. Cushman's rendering of " Loris's " speech, telling the perfidy of his 
wife, in the travesty of Fidora, was hardly a caricature of the quivering and quaking 
and gasping and table-snatching of the French emotional drama, so familiar as to 
amuse an audience that had never seen the particular play of Fedora itself. 

To any one who has seen one of the League baseball games, the concluding bur- 
lesque on " our national game " will be inexpressibly amusing. A. L. T. 

Mr, Hayman of the Baldwin goes East to secure features for the fall and winter 
Beason of his theater, beginning August ISth. He will endeavor to bring Henry Irving 
and Bernhardt to this city, 

A DELICIOUS BEVERAGE. 
One of the best, most palatable, and we may say superior beers now in use in our 
city is the "Kaiser," "Salvator" and "Fredericksburg" lager beer, brewed by the 
celebrated Fredericksburg Brewing Company of San Jose. It has become a "house- 
hold word" with all lovers of a genuine glass of lager. Try it. All orders will be 
promptly filled by applying at their general office, 539 California street. 



38 Cough Mixture has no equal. While taking 38 Cough Mixture you can con- 
tinue your usual avocation. 38 Cough Mixture will cure your cold quicker than any 
other remedy ; other remedies are good, but 38 Cough Mixture will cure any and all 
kinds of colds with less trouble than any other kind. For sale by all druggists. B. J. 
Rhodes & Co., manufacturers, San Jose, Cal. 



A BOON TO MUSICIANS. 



Our angular rooms, with their 
alcoves, bay windows and corners 
are ill adapted for music rooms 
The Japanese Folding Screen can 
so concentrate the sound as to 
make a music room of any. 

This is only one of the dozens 
of uses to which screens can be 
put ; and it is sure to happen 
that, by-and-by, in the course of 
a few years, they will be consid- 
ered the most useful piece of fur- 
niture in the house, and certainly 
the least expensive and most orna- 
mental. 

Ichi Ban, 20—22—24 Geary 
street. The most beautiful store 
in America, has a great stock of 
them, ranging in price from $2. 50 
upwards. 



OUR MECHANICS' FAIR. 
The President, Directors, and especially J. H. Culver, the efficient Secretary* 
have been untiring in the efforts to make the coming Industrial Exhibition superior to 
any that has preceded it. It opens Tuesday next at the Pavilion. The great fountain 
will be of a new and original design. The floral attractions will be unusually fine, the 
art-gallery will be well filled, and there will be grand instrumental concerts every 
afternoon and evening. All progress in industrial arts and mechanics will be Bhown. 
The natural products of the Coast will be represented. Double tickets for the season 
of four weeks are only S5 ; aingle tickets for the season, 83 ; single admission, 50 cents, 
children, 25 cents. See advertisement in to-day's Wasp. 




FOUND AT LAST. 

A pure and wholesome preparation for dressing and promoting the growth of the 
hair, for allaying and preventing inflammation, alleviating and curing all ordinary 
diseases of the scalp and skin, August Koehncke's Hair Restorer ; a cure and pre- 
ventative of premature baldness. It is a purely botanical compound, and not a greasy, 
dirty mess. ^ Totally unlike nearly all other preparations for the hair and skin. It 
contains neither mineral, chemical, animal nor vegetable poisons. J. J. Mack & Co., 
9 and 11 Front street, San Francisco, Sole Agent ; or, direct to A. Koehncke, manu- 
facturer, Watsonville, Cal. Sent to any address on receipt of $1 ; six bottles, $5. 

A HEALTHY DRINK AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. 
It is important to families as well as first-class saloon men to know that H. L. St. 
John & Co., 14 Hayes street, are making the genuine old-fashioned Eastern Root Beer 
from selected roots and herbs. It iB cooling, healthy and delicious, good for old and 
young. It is the cheapest and best drink in the city. One dozen pints only 70 cents, 
one dozen quarts only $1.10, delivered free to your house. All bottles have patent 
stoppers. Iry the Root Beer. 

ARTIFICIAL LIMBS. 
It should be generally known that the best improved Artificial Limbs in the 
world are manufactured by Mr. Menzo Spring, 9 Geary street. Circular and measure 
blanks combined for legs and arms sent free to any address on application. Mr. 
Spring has a commission from the United States to furnish limbs on Government 
orders. 

READ THIS. 

Mr. A. H. Baldwin (formerly McDowell & Baldwin) of the San Francisco Carpet 
Beating Machine, 1321 and 1323 Market street, has now new machinery throughout. 
Calls for carpets, renovates and relays them all in one day. Refitting carpets a 
specialty. Telephone 3036. Remember, jtSTno Chinamen employed at this establish i 
ment. 



PHILADELPHIA BREWERY. 

The Philadelphia Brewery has sold during the year 1882 64,188 barrels of beer, 
being twice as much as the next two leading breweries in this city. (See Official 
Report, U. S. Internal Revenue, January, 1883.) The beer from this brewery has a 
Pacific Coast renown unequaled by any other on the Coast 



NATURAL MINERAL WATER, 
The Tolenas Spring Soda, natural mineral water lately introduced here, is re- 
freshing, agreeable and effervescent, cures indigestion, acidity of the stomach, etc. 
Turner Bros. & Co., 217 Commercial street, general agents Pacific coast. 



BURNHAM'S ABIETENE. 

W. "W. Haney, 221 Sacramento St., San Francisco, says " Burnham's Abietene " 
cured him of Rheumatism and Kidney trouble after every other remedy failed. He 
used it both internally and externally. It is sold by druggists generally. 



MOST MARKED SUCCESS. 
Messrs. Benham & Eaton, 735 Market street, proprietors of the Model Music 
Store, are agents for the celebrated Hazelton pianos, also the Benham piano ; 
class and medium price. Give them a call. 



first- 



FINE OLD TABLE WINES. 
Messrs. J. Gundlach & Co., vine growers, corner Market and Second streets, 
make a great specialty of fine old table wines, their own production from their own 
extensive vineyards in Sonoma county. 



Regular Republican Nom- 
inee for Congress, 

2d CONGBESSIONAI, DISTRICT, 

JAS. A. LOUTTIT, 

OF STOCKTON. 



DEALERS IN FURS. 



Alaska Commercial Co., 

310 Sansome Street, 

SAN FKANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. 



Wholesale 



THE WASP. 



13 



NOW IS THE TIME 

TO SUBSCRIBE FOR 

" T IHI IE ^AT^_ S IP." 



IT IS THE ONL1 

Cartoon Paper Published West of the Rocky Mountains, 

Anil during the Campaign* no Expciite will be snared to make It the mont 
Inferential and popular publication of the day. 

ITS CARTOONS WILL BE A PROMINENT FEATURE: 

IlluMtratlng all that Ih Eventful and Topical In National and Local Politics. 
The Letterpress will be up to IIm UMual high standard. 



TERMS OF SLJlSCnil'TIONS 



I . 



Payable in Advance : 



( 3 Mont) 
1 C " 
I a " 



S Montlis SI 25 

2 50 

5 00 



Bomll by Postal Order or Check. 



Nineteenth 

INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION 

AND 

MECHANICS' FAIR 

SAN FRANCISCO, 1XM, 

OPENS AUGUST otd; CLOSES SEPTEMBER 
6TU. MECHANICAL PROGRESS, IN- 
VENTION, ART and NATURAL PRODUCTS 
will be represented by the beat obtainable ex- 
hibits on tills coast. Ah 

INSTRUMENTAL CONCERT 

by an efficient orchestra each afternoon and 
evening. 

PREMIUMS. 

Medals of gold, silver and bronze, diplomas 
and cash will be awarded as premiums to 
meritorious exhibits. 

ADMISSION. 

Double season tickets, $5 ; single season, $3 ; 
apprentice season, SI. 60; child's, $1.50; adult 
single admission, 50 cents ; child's, 25 cents ; 
SEASON TICKETS TO MEMBERS OF THE 
INSTITUTE AT HALF-RATES. 

An}- desired information given or sent on ap- 
plication to the SECRETARY, 31 Post Street. 
P. B. CORNWALL, President. 

J. H. Culver, Secretary. 



CALIFORNIA 

SUGAR REFINERY 



THE 



OFFICE, S27 HABKET ST. 
REFINERY, - - - POTBERO. 



CLAUS SPRECKELS President 

J. D. SPRECKELS Vice-President 

A. E. SPRECKELS Secretary 



WALL PAPERS, 

FRESCOING, 

INTERIOR DECORATING, 

WINDOW SHADES, 
G. W. CLARK & CO. 

ii I", and 647 MARKET ST. 



E. C. HUGHES, 

IFIRHsTTIEIR 

511 SANSOME ST., 

SAN FRANCISCO. 

Country Orders Solicited. 



HAWAIIAN HOTEL 



Honolulu, H. I. 



This house has been entirely renovated and 
extended, and under the new management will 
be conducted with particular reference to the 

Comfort and Convenience 



TOURISTS. 

The Hotel is most delightfully situated, and 
the Cuisine is equal to that of the Leading 
Metropolitan Hotels of the United States. 



GEO. H. FASSETT, 

Manager. 

THE £TNAJPRINCS. 

To the highly curative proprieties of these 
waters and the charms of the place is added an 
elegant and capacious Swimming Bath. 

These waters purify the blood, refresh, renew 
and restore the whole system. 

They cure Rheumatism, Sciatica, Dyspepsia, 
Erysipelas, Kidney and Liver Diseases, Chronic 
Diarrhoea, Paralysis and Pulmonary Complaints 
in the early stages. 

These waters are a specific in cases of Malaria, 
Chill and Ague Fever. 

They afford magical relief in cases of Nervous- 
ness, Sleeplessness and QcncFal Debility. 

Visitors leave San Francisco at S A. m. for St. 
Helena, thence by daily Btage (Sundays ex- 
cepted), arriving at the -Etnas at 5 p. m, 

For Pamphlet containing Analysis and Cures, 
address WH. BUHNELJL, Sup't, or WM. 
II. LIDELL, Proprietor, Ltdell P. O., 
Napa « o., t'ul. 



F\ | | 111 F Agents wanted for authen- 
Nl ft I M L tic edition of his life Pub- 
J| I 11 I I ■ | lishedatAugusta.hishome. 
%J til lilt Largcst,handsomest,cheap- 
est, best. By the renowned historian and biog- 
rapher, Col. Conwell, whose life of Garfield, 
published by us, outsold the twenty others by 
60,000. Outsells every book ever published in 
this world ; many agents are selling fifty daily. 
Agents are making fortunes. All new beginners 
successful ; grand chance for them ; $43.50 
made by a lady agent the first day. Terms most 
liberal. Particulars free. Better send 25 cents 
for postage, etc., on free outfit, now ready, in- 
cluding large prospectus book, and save valu- 
able time. 

ALLEN A CO., Augusta, Maine. 



DR. SPINNEY, 

No. 1 1 KEARNY ST., 
Treats all chronic and Special Diseases 

VOL'NIi MEN. 

The following eymptonie arc frequently met 
with among young men : 

Loss of Memory and Energy, Eyes growl n 
Weak, EruptionH on the Forehead, Unrcfreshing 
Sleep, Bad Feeling on rising in the Morning, 
Lomh of Appetite, Palpitation of the Heart, 
Despondency, Timidity, Brooding over the Past, 
Apprehonsions for the Future, Aversion to So- 
ciety, an unnatural preference for Solitude, and 
many others. These are the results of youthful 
follies or indiscretions, and those suffering from 
any or all of them will do well to avail them- 
selves of this, the greatest boon ever laid at the 
altar of suffering humanity. DR. SPINNEY 
will guarantee to forfeit $500 for a case of any 
kind or character which heuudertakea and fails 
to cure. 

MIDDLE-AGED MEN. 

There are many at the age of thirty to sixty 
who are trouble with diseases of Kidney and 
Bladder and a weakening of the system in a 
manner the patient cannot account for. Many 
men die of this difficulty, ignorant of the cause. 
Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure in all a uch 
cases, and a healthy restoration of the affected 
parts. 

Office Hours— 10 to 4 and C to S. Sundays, 
from 10 to 11 a.m. Consultation free. Thorough 
examination and advice 35. Call or address, 
DR, SPINNEY & CO., 11 Kearny St., S. F. 



DR. ALLEN'S 

PRIVATE DISPENSARY, 

20J Kearny Street, San Francisco, Cal. 

Established for the Scientific and Speedy Cure of 

Chronic, Nervous and Special Diseases. 

THE EXPERT SPECIALIST, 

r. Allen, is a regular Physician from University 
of Michigan. He is acknowledged to be the most 
expert Surgeon in his specialty on the Pacific 
Coast. 

YOUNG MEN 
And MIDDLE-AGED MEN, who suffer from the 
effects of Youthful Indiscretions or Excesses in 
maturer years, Nervous and Physical Debility, 
loss of energy and memory, etc., remember I 
have a Vegetable Compound, the result of many 
years of special practice, which under my special 
advice has never failed of success in the cure of 
weakness, kidney and bladder diseases, etc. 

Hospital Experience, 
(Having been Surgeon in two leading hospitals) 
enables me to treat all private troubles with ex- 
cellent results. I wish it distinctly understood 
that I do not claim to perform impossibilities. 
I claim only to be a skilful and sucessfcm. Phy- 
sician and Surgeon, thoroughly informed in my 
specialty — 

Diseased of Man. 

All will receive my bonest opinion of their 
complaints — no experimenting. I will guars ntee 
a positive cure in every case I undertake, or 
forfeit 81,000. Consultation in office or by letter 
free and strictly private. Charges moderate. 
Call or address DR. ALLEN, 

26 1-2 Kearny street, San Fraooisco, Cal. 



To the Unfortunate I 
Dr Gibbon's Dispensary. 

0/*WO NTSt 
San Francisco— Es- 
tablished In 1864 for 
the treatment and 
cure of Special Dis- 
eases, nervous and 
physical Debility, or 
diseases-wearing on 
body and mind, per- 
manently CURED. 
The sick and afflict- 
ed should not fall 
to call upon him. 
The Doctor has tra- 
veled extensively in" Europe, and Inspected 
thoroughly the hospitals there, obtaining a 
great deal of valuable information, which he 
Is competent to Impart to those In need o" 
his services. The Doctor cures when other 
fail. Try him. DR. GIBBON will make no 
charge unless ho effects a cure. Persons at a 
distance may be CUBED AT HUME, AH 
communications strictly confidential. Charge 
resonable. Gall or write. Address DE. J. 
F. GIBBON, Box 1957, San Francisco. Men- 
tion the WASP. 




THE 



WHITE HOUSE, 

Honolulu, H. I. 



Guests visiting the Islands can secure com- 
fortable Rooms, with or without Board, at 
Reasonable Figures. 

MRS. JAMES T. WHITE, 
Proprietress. 



Recommended by the Faculty- 

TAR RANT' S 

COMPOUND EXTRACTS 

— OF — 

Cubebs and Copaiba. 

This compound is 
superior to any pre- 
paration hitherto in- 
vented, combining in 
p- very highly concen- 
trated state the med- 
ical properties of the 
Cubebs and Copaiba. 
One recommendation 
this preparation en- 
joya over all others 
ia its neat, portable 
form, put up in pots; 
the mode in which it may be taken is Doth 
pleasant and convenient, being in the 
form of a paste, tasteless and does not 
impair the digestion. Prepared only by 
TAHRANT & CO.. 
Druggist and Chemists, 278 and 280 
Greenwich street, New York. 

Foe Sale By All Dbdogistb. 




LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. Finest anil cheapest Meat Fla- 
vouring Stock for Soups, Made Dishes and 
Sauces. Annual Bole, 8,000,000 jars. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

Or ...i i ■. I . An invaluable tonic. " Is a 
buccobb and a boon for which nations 
Bbould feel grateful." — See "Medical 
PreBB," " Lancet," &o. 

Genuine only with the fao-simile of Baron 
Liebig's Signature in Blue Ink bctobb the 
Label. The title" Baron Liebig"and photo- 
graph having been largely used by dealers 
with no connection with Baron Licbig, 
the public are informed that the Liebig 
Company alone con offer the article with 
Baron Liebig'a guarantee of genuineness. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. To bo had of all Storekeepers, 
Grocers and Chemists. Sole Agents for the 
United States (wholesale only) 0. David & 
Co., 9, Fen church Avenue, London, England. 

Sold wholesale by RICHARDS A 
HARRISON, San Francisco. 



OCEANIC STEAMSHIP CO. 

J. 1). SPRECKELS & BKO'S, 
327 Market Street, 

OWNEB8 OF 

Spreckels' Line of Packets. 

Packages and Freight to Honolulu. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Who desire to keep 

"The Wasr>" 

On File can now be again supplied with covers. 
PRICE 60 CENTS 



THE SOUTH BRITISH AND 

NATIONAL INS. CO. 

W. J. CALLINGHAM & CO., 

No. 218 SANflOME ST.. SAN FRANOISOO 



A PRIZE.! 



Send six centsfor post- 
age, and receive free, a 
costly box of goods which 
will help all,of either sex, 
to more money right away than anything else in 
this world. Fortunes await the workers abso- 
lutely sure. At once address True & Co. , Au- 
gusta, Maine. 



SAIMTINELI 



Cures all recent and chronic urinary diseases. 
Directions in all languages. Sold by all Drug- 
gists at $1.00 a bottle, or sent by express on 
receipt of price, secure from observation. Fair- 
monnt Chemical Co., Cincinnati, Ohio, U, 
3. A. 



14 



THE WASP. 



THE BAGGAGE-SMASHER, 



" I'm a baggage-smasher gay, 
On the road, on the road, 
And of trunks I bust each day, 

A car-load, a car-load ; 
With a hop, a skip and jump, 
How I pounce upon and thump 
Satchels in a shapeless lump, 
On the road. 

" I'm more solid than Muldoon, 

On the road, on the road, 

And I make the ladies swoon 

With my mode, with my mode, 
When I grab a bonnet-box, 
And with sturdy bangs and knocks 
Quick destroy it with my shocks, 
On the road. 

" I'm the slugger of the train, 
On the road, on the road, 
And the dude conductor vain, 
Discommode, discommode — 
If at country station, he 
Tries to take a ' mash ' from me, 
Then I ' knock him out ' in glee, 
On the road. 

" I've no use for seedy ' grips,' 
On the road, on the road, 
Now just watch while this one rips" — 
(Boom ! explode ! — Fune-ral ode ! — 
He is blown clear out of sight, 
For he's struck some dynamite, 
And no more will baggage smite, 

On the road. —The Judge. 



When a young lady encourages a fellow for two 
or three years and then suddenly turns around and 
tells him she can never be more than a sister to him, 
he can for the first time see freckles on her nose. 




(uticura 



POSITIVE CURE 

for every form of 

skin & BLOOD 
DISEASE. 

FBOM 

PIMPLES to SCROFULA 

ITCHING, Scaly, Pimply, Scrofulous, Inherited, Contagious and 
Copper Colored Diseases of the Blood, Skin and Scalp, with 
loss of Hair, are positively cured by the Coticura Remedies. 

Cuticura Resolvent, the new blood purifier, cleanses the blood 
and perspiration of impurities and poisonous elements, aud re- 
moves the cause. 

Cuticora, the great Skin Cure, instantly allays Itching and In- 
flammation, clears the Skin and Scalp, heals Ulcers and Sores, and 
restores the Hair. 

Cdticura Soap, an exquisite Skin Beautifier and Toilet Requi- 
site, prepared from Cuticura, is indispensable in treating Skin 
Diseases, Baby Humors, Skin Blemishes, Chapped and Oily 
Skin. 

Cuticura Remedies are absolutely pure and the only infallible 
Blood Purifiers and Skin Beautifiers. 

Sold everywhere. Price— Cutioura, 50 cents; Soap, 25 cents; 
Resolvent, $1. Prepared by Potter Drug and Chemical Cq., 
Boston, Mass. 

83T Send for "How to Cure Skin Diseases." 




THE NARROW GUAGE, 



s&s TXTo Equalt 

Strongest, Purest, Best mid Most Econom- 

icalin the Market. 

Never Varies in Quality. 

Recommended to CONSUMERS by leading Physi- 
cians, Chemists and members of the San 
Francisco Board of Health. 
prepared bt the 

BOTHIN MANUFACTURING COMPANY, 

San Francisco and Sacramento. 



"Well, Pat," was asked of a recently-arrived 
emigrant, "and how do you like America I " 
"It's a foine counthry, sor ! " "Have you suc- 
ceeded in getting work, yet ? " " No, sor, but I 
have a irind in Washinton who is afther gettin' me 
a pinsion.' 1 

vot is all dis earthly bliss, 

And vot is man's sooccess ? 
And vot is various oder dings, 

And what is habbiness ? 



Why should you never take the word of a late 
riser ? That man must be a dreadful liar who lies 
a- bed. 



Too thin — Before the dentist gets hold of it. 



A great financier is a thief who succeeds. A thief 
is a great financier who fails. 



Storekeeper : Stockings, miss 1 Yes, miss. 
What number, miss, do you " 

Matter-of-fact young Lady : Why, two, of 
course ! Do you think I've got a wooden leg 1 



"Well, now," exclaimed an old waterman at 
Atlantic City, "if that ain't the funniest way to 
spell 'fish' I ever seen," pointing to the name 
" Psyche " on the stern of a pretty little yacht. 



" Smith, I hear, is lying at death's door." 
" That fellow would lie anywhere." 



" You Americans have so much better accent in 
speakingour language than the English have," said 
an Italian lady. " I suppose it is because an Italian 
discovered you." 



A long-haired, long-legged gentleman, wearing a 
duster, a tall hat,. and gold-bowed spectacles, re- 
cently approached the ticket window of an East- 
ern depot, when the following dialogue took place : 
" Is this the ticket office ? " 
" Yes, sir." 

11 Do you sell tickets to Poolville 1 " 
" Yes, sir." 

"What is the price of a ticket to Poolville ? " 
" One dollar and seventy-five cents." 
" H'm (pause). Do you have tickets for clergy- 
men ? " 

" Yes, sir." 

" H'm. What is the price of those ? " 
" One dollar and seventy-five cents." 
The long-haired stranger glanced sternly at the 
irreverent railroad man over his spectacles, pur- 
chased a ticket and departed. 



" Ba Jove, yaas," replied the other, " and don't 
chew know, when I went out this mowning, I — ah 
— didn't know it was so beastly cold, and I took my 
summer cane and caught a howid cold, yer know. " 



At St. Peter's, Eaton square, on Sunday week, 
the morning service was rendered lively by a lady 
who, while the officiating clergyman was reading in 
a slow voice, jumped up from her seat, and, waving 
her parasol about in an excited manner, exclaimed 
in an agitated voice, "Go a little faster; lean 
read as well as that. " — London Vanity Fair. 



A beautiful girl looked out of her window one 
day and saw her rude brother on the pavement 
walking about on his hands, with his feet up in the 
air. "Tom," she said, reproachingly ; "don't 
Tom. I would not do that, Tom ; indeed I 
wouldn't." "Wouldn't?" replied the rude boy, 
looking up and speaking with marked emphasis — 
"wouldn't? By Jacks, you couldn't." 



The man who doesn't own a yacht calls it a yat 
the man who does calls it a yaht ; the old salt who 
sails it calls it a yot. — Rochester Democrat. 



A writer in the East says of a camel : " It 
travels at a slow, lounging pace, beyond which it is 
dangerous, with nine camels out of ten, to urge 
them, or else, as Asiatics say, they ' break their 
hearts' and die ' literally 'on the spot." The dis 
trict messenger bny seems to have much the same 
nature. — Boston Post. 



SWIMMIN'-TIME, 



The fashionable dressing for ladies' hair this 
Bummer is to be 300 years old. The hair will be, 
of course, modern, and of the best quality. 



Yarop so loud's to split yer th'oat — 

Swimmin'-time ! 
Jes' you hear thet music float 
Sweeter than the mockbird's note — 
Makes my heart flip like a goat 

Into rhyme. 
Like a derned old goat thet knocks 
Slivers off suburban rocks. 

H'ist your hands above your tip — 

Swimmin'-time ! 
Poise, jest hunger-in' fer the dip- 
Hear the water slap an' slip — 
Ain't it coolin' ! 

Let her rip ! 

And sublime 
As a comet, sailin 1 go 
Down cool deeps of Long Ago ! 



" Do you know the Jacksons ? " asked a lady of 
a young man who lived in their neighborhood. 
"No, I'm not personally acquainted with all the 
members of the family," he replied, "but I always 
speak to the dog at the front gate as I go past." 



A good brother down east, who was eloquent in 
social meetings, but whose education was rather 
limited, desired the Lord to " shower down on the 
waiting congregation the ile of Patmos," suppos- 
ing, no doubt, that the said " ile" was some unc- 
tuous fluid which would have a good effect upon 
moral diseases. 



H " CUEBRATEO ^ H^ 




The feeble grow strong 
when Hostetter's Stomach 
Bitters is used to promote as- 
similation of the food and en- 
rich the blood. Indigestion, 
the chief obstacle to an ac- 
quisition of strength by the 
weak, is an ailment which 
infallibly succumbs to the ac- 
tion of this peerless correct- 
ive. Loss of flesh and appe- 
tite, failure to sleep, and 
growing evidence of prema- 
ture decay, are speedily 
counteracted by the great in- 
vigorant, which braces up the 
physical energies and fortifies 
the constitution against dis- 
ease. For sale by all Drug- 
gists and Dealers generally. 



30 DAY S TRIAL. 

^ s s To \ oung, old, rich or poor, 

both sexes,— scop dragging, 
and cure yourself with DR. 
HORNE'S (New Improved) 
M.-ctricBelt. Electricity is 
Life, and a fuck of it Ib Dis- 
ease and Death. Thousands 
testify to Its priceless value. 
SO.tKK) cures reported in 1883, 
Whole family can wear same Belt. Cures without medi- 
cine. Pains in the Back, Hips, Head or Limbs, Nervous 
Debility, Lumbago, General Debility, Rheumatism, Par- 
alysis, Neuralgia, Sciatica, Disease of Kidneys, Spinal 
Diseases, Torpid Liver, Gout, Asthma, Heart Disease, 
Dvspepsla, Constipation. Erysipelas, Indigestion, Rup- 
ture. Catarrh, Piles, Eplh'psv. Ague, Diabetes. Send stamp 

tor Pamphlet. V7. J. HOME, 702 Market St., San Fran- 
cisco, Cal. Inventor, Proprietor aud Manutacturer. 




WEAK, UNDEVELOPED PARTS 

OF THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED, 



STRENGTHENED, Etc 



■eatipR advcrttacrnc n t 



lung run in our paper. Inn.-;j|y tn i ii.iniri-::. w".vi ilany that 
there is do evidence of humbug abgntthJB. On the contrary. 



c very highly in-lur ■■'■d. Interested persona 



may get scaled circulars gJTJngallp 



by addressing 



mr.ilo, N. V— T.ilrilo Evrnine Bi-<-. 




RUPTURE 



^Positively cured in 60 days by 
Jl>r. Ifortio's Elect ro-Mnjrnetla 
ItcIt-TruHMt combined. Guaran- 
teed the only one in the world 
~ generating a continuous EU-ctriad; Mag- 
' nelic Current. Scientific, Powerful, Durable, 
Comfortable and Ell'ective in curing Hup- 
ture. Price Ilcdneed. ">< n> cured in s:s. Semi Tor pumnlilet 
ELECTJUO-MAGNKTIC TRUSS COJVLPA34Y. 
702 Market Street, Sau Francisco. 



AND NOT 

iWEAB OUT 

.j ^iail25c. Circulara 
9 free, J. S. Bntoa & Co., £8 Dcy at., w . Y 



THE WASP. 



15 



PACIFIC COAST 
STEAMSHIP COMPANY. 



Steamers of this Company will 
sat from Broadway Wharf, San 
"Francisco, for ports In California, 
^ Oregon, Washington and Idaho 
Territories, British Columbia and Alaska, as fol 
lows : 

California Southern Const Koulc- 

B learn ore will sail about every aecond day a. h. 
for the following ports (excepting San Diego, 
every fifth day), ni: Santa Cruz, Monterey, 
San Simeon, Cayucos, Port Harford, San Luis 
Obispo, Gaviota, Santa Bar'mr*, Ventura, Hue- 
neme, S«n Pedro Los Angul^n asd San Diego. 

British Colanibla Bud llaska Route. 

— Steamship IDAHO, carr> lag U. S. Mails, sails 
from Portland, Oregon, r about the 5th of 

each month, for Port Town^nd, W. T., Victoria, 
and Nanaimo, B. C, Fort t*rangel, Sitka and 
Harris burg, \loska, coniic-uiig at Port Town- 
send with Victoria and Pujfet -<ound. Steamer 
leaving San Francisco on or about the 1st of 
the same month. 

Victoria and Paget Sound Koute.— 

The Steamers QUEEN OF PACIFIC and MEX- 
ICO , carrying Her Britanic Majesty's and 
United States mails, sail from Broadway Wharf, 
Ban Francisco, at 10 a. m., on July '2d, 10th, 
18th, 26th and Aug. 3d, and every eighth day 
thereafter for Victoria, B. C, Port Townaend, 
Seattle, Tacoma, Steilaroom and Olympia, mak- 
ing close connection with steamboats, etc. , for 
Skagit River and Caasiar Mines, Nanaimo, New 
Westminster, Yale, Sitka and all other Impor- 
tant points. Returning, leave Seattle and Port 
Townscnd on July 2d, 10th, ISth, 27th, and 
every eighth day thereafter, and Victoria at 
12 m. on July 3d, 11th, 16th, 28th, and every 
eighth day thereafter. 

Portland, Oregon, Boute.— The Oregon 
Railway and Navigation Company and the Pa- 
cific Coast Steamship Company dispatch from 
Spear Streot Wharf one of the steamships 
STATE OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON or CO- 
LUMBIA, carrying the United States Mail. 
Sailing days— July 3d, 8th, 13th, 18th, 23d, 
28th and August 2d, and every following fifth 
day for Portland ind Astoria, Oregon. 

Eureka and Humboldt Bay Route— 

Steamer CITY OF CHESTER sails from San 
Francisco for Eureka, Areata, Hookton (Hum- 
bolt Bay) every Wednesday at 9 a. m. 

Point Arena and Mendocino Route.— 

Steamer YAQUINA eaila from Broadway 
Wharf, San Francisco, at 3 p. m. every Monday 
for Point Arenas, Cuffey'B Cove, Little River 
and Mendocino. 

TICKET OFFICE, 314 Montgomery St. 

(Opposite the Rubs House) 

G0ODALL, PERKINS & CO,, General Agents 

No. 10 Market St., San Francisco. 



The Great Burlington Route 

CHICAGO, BURLINGTON & 
QUINCY RAILROAD. 

EASTWARD. 



Is The Old Favorite and Principal 
Line From 

omaha, kansas city, atchison 

and ST. JOSEPH 

For CHICAGO, 

ST. LOUIS, 

MILWAUKEE, 

Detroit, Niagara Falls, 
NEW YORK, BOSTON, 

And all points East and Southeast. 

THE LINE COMPRISES nearly 4,000 
miles. Solid, Smooth Steel Track. All 
connections are made in UNION DE- 
POTS. It has a National Reputation as 
being THE GREAT THROUGH CAR- 
LINE and is universally conceded to be 
the FINEST EQUIPPED railroad in the 
World for all classes of travel. 

Try it, and you will find traveling a 
luxury instead of a discomfort. 

Through Tickets via this celebrated line 
for sale at all offices in the West. 

All information about Rates of Fare, 
Sleeping - Car Accommodations, Time 
Tables, etc., will be cheerfully given by 
applying to 

PERCEVAL LOWELL, 
Gen'l Passenger Agt, Chicago, Ills 

T. J. POTTER, 

Gen'l Manager, Chicago. Ills. 

T D. HcKAT, General Agent 

Hanlbal and St. Joseph and 
Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroads, 
S3 Montgomery Street. 



SOUTH PACIFIC COAST 
RAILROAD. 

Pamengcr Trains leave Station, foot of Market 
-t r- . i , South Side at 

8-Ofl A. U., daily, Alvarado, Newark, Cen- 
.OU turville, AlvlM, Santa Clara, SAN 
JOSE, Lob Oatot, Wrights, Glenwood, Felton, 
Big Tree*, SANTA CRUZ and all Way Stations. 

2, Qf> P. M. (except Sunday), Express: Mt 
■ OU Eden, Alvarado, Newark, Centcrville, 
Alviso, Agnews, Santa Clara, SAN JOSE, Los 
Gatos and all station to SANTA CRUZ. 

4«Ofl p - M., daily, for SAN JOSE, Los Gatos 
■OU and intermediate points. SATUR- 
DAYS and SUNDAYS to SANTA CRUZ. 

<t>C EXCURSIONS TO SANTA CRUZ AND 
U)0 »i.50 to SAN JOSE, on SATURDAYS 
and SUNDAYS, to return until MONDAY, In- 
clusive. 

8Afl A. M., every Sunday, excursion to 
■ UU SAN JOSE, BIG TREES and SANTA 



S3 
$1.75 



to BIG TREES and SANTA CRUZ. 



to SANTA CLARA and SAN JOSE. 



TO OAKLAND AM> ALAJIEDA. 

§0.00, §6.30, §7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 
10.00, 10.30, 11.00, 11.80 A. M. H12.00, 12.30, 
^11.00, 1.80, 112.00,2.80,3.00, 8.30, 4 00,4.30, 6.00 
6.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.80, 8.30, 10.45, 11.45 P.M. 

From Fourteenth imd Webster HtreetH, 
Oukllind ", W.OO, §6.30, §7.00, 7.80, 8.00, 

8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 10.00, 10.30, Ifll.OO, 11.30 A. M. 
■112.O0, 12.30, 11.00, 1.30, 2.00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 
4.00, 4.30, 5.00, 5.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 9.30, 
10.45, 11.45 P. M. 

From High street, Alameda— §6.16, §5.46, 
66.16, 6.46, 7.16, 7.46, 8.16, 8.46. 9.16. 9.46, 
10.16, "110.46, 11.16, H11.46 A. M. 12.16, U12.46, 
1.10, 1.46, 2.16, 2.46, 3.16, 3.46, 4 16, 4.46, 6.16, 
6.46, 6.16, 6.46, 7.16, 9.16, 11.31 P. M. 

§ Sundays excepted. 

•fl Saturdays and Sundays only. 

TICKET, Telegraph and Transfer offices 232 
Montgomery street, S. F. 

R. M. OARRATT, 
G. F. S P. Art, 



L. FILLMORE, 

Superintendent. 



The Cocoa Crop is Short 



Look Out for Adulterations. 



By Using 

WALTER BAKER & CO'S 

Chocolate 

You will be Sure of Secur- 
ing the Best. 

WM. T. <'OLE.1I AN A. CO. 

Sole Agents" 



GREAT ENGLISH 

REMEDY 

Is a certain cure for 
Nervous Debility, 
Lost Vitality, and 
all the evil effects of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. 
DR. MINTIE.who 
a regular physi- 
cian, graduate ot 
the University of 
Pennsylvania, will agree to forfeit Ftvb Hun- 
dred Dollars for a case of the kind the VITAL 
RESTORATIVE (under his special advice and 
treatment) will not cure. Price 81.60 a bottle ; 
four times the quantity, 85. Sent to any address, 
Confidbntially, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D., No. 
11 Kearny street, S. F. Send for pamphlet. 

SAMPLE BOTTLE, FREE, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating symptoms, sex 
and age. Strict secrecy in all transactions. 




THE AMERICAN 

SUGAR REFINERY, 

San Francisco. 

Manufacturers of all classes of Beflned 

Sngars, Including Loaf Sugar 

for Export. 

C. ADOLPHE LOW & CO., 

AGENT8. 
Office, 208 California St. 



D? THOMAS HALL'S 




ABSOLUTELY PURE 

A delightful appetizer, giving tone and strength 
to the stomach, and as a tonic beverage it has no 
equal; will cure Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Fever 
and Ague, Biliousness, General Debility and 
kindred diseases. 

This tonic Is most beneficial in its results ; It 
braces the system, creates an appetite, and de- 
stroys that wretched feeling of ennui which we 
constantly labor under in this enervating climate. 
The tonic for its medical qualities excels anv 
other ever offered to the public, having taken the 
first premium at the fairs of Sacramento, San 
JoBe, Stockton, Oakland and San Francisco for 
absolute purity, made from pure California Port 
Wine, Wine of Pepsin and Elixir Calisaya. 

iSTForsale everywhere throughout the State. 
Depot at JAMES H. GATES' drug store, cor. New 
Montgomery and Howard streets. San Francisco. 




DR. LIEKItt'S 

WONDERFUL 

GERMAN 
INVIGORATOR, 

The greatebt remedy 
for the cure of Nervous 
and Physical Debility, 
Vital Exhaustion, 
Weakness, Loss of Vi- 
tality, and all the re- 
sults of 1b discretions, etc. The German Treat- 
ment prevents permanently all unnatural losses 
from the system. 

The Doctor, a regular coDege physician from 
Europe, will agree to forfeit 31,000 for a case un- 
dertaken not cured. The reason thousands can- 
not get cured of Weakness, Lost Vitality, and 
the above Diseases is owing to a complication 
called PROSTATORRHEA, with Hyperesthesia, 
which requires special treatment. 

DR. LIEBIG'S INVIGORATOR No. 2 is the 
only POSITIVE CURE for PROSTATORRHEA. 
Price of either Invigorator $2; case of six bot- 
tle, 810. 

DR. LIEBIG & CO., for the past seventeen 
years have made an exclusive specialty of Dis- 
eases of Men. Disease, however induced, speed- 
ily, thoroughly and permanently cured, recent 
cases in a few days; inveterate cases skillfully 
treated; chajges moderate. 

If pimples appear on the face, if you become 
listless and despondent look out for the compli- 
cation with Vital Weakness and loss of Vitality 
known as Prostatorrhea. Hundreds of lives 
have been lost for the want of proper treatment 
for this complication, and thousands have lost 
all their property and pleasure in life from its 
effects. A perfect and permanent cure will be 
guaranteed in any case undertaken, under our 
special advice and treatment. 

Call or address DR. LIEBIG & CO., 400 
Geary street, San Francisco. Private en- 
trance, 405 Mason street, four blocks up 
Geary street from Kearny. 

Most Powerful Electric Belts free to patients. 

t3T To prove the wonderful power of the IN- 
VIGORATORS a $2 bottle given free. 

Consultation, advice and examination free and 
private. 



J.D.SPRECKELS&BROS., 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants. 

AGENTS FOB 

gpreckels' Line of Hawaiian Packets, 
S. S. Hepwortu's Centrifugal Ma- 
chines, need's Patent Pipe 
and Boiler Covering. 

No. 327 Market Street, 

Corner Fremont SAN FRANCISCO 



BILLIARDS. 

P. LIESENFELiD, Manufacturer. 

ESTABLISHED 1SS9. 

SOLA AOK.MS FOR TIIK ONLY OHND1NB 

Patent Steel Plate Cushion, 

Guaranteed for Ten Tears. 

The Mont Elegant Stock of Billiard and 

Foul Tablet* on the Pacific Coast. 

9 4 5 Folsom Street, 

NEAR SIXTH. 

Priced 30 per cent. Lower than any 

other Mouse on the Coast. 

t& SEND FOR A CATALOGUE. *» 




tST Curbs with 
un fail cno 1 a- 
tainty Nervoue 
and Physical De 
bility, Vital Ex- 
ha ust i on, Weak- 
ness, Loss of Vi- 
tality, and all tho 
terrible resultsTof 
excesses and Indis- 
cretions. It pre- 
vents permanent- 
y all weakening 

drains upon the 

the system. I-brmanemt utjrbs Gcaranthbd. 
1 rice 82.50 per bottle, or Ave bottles $10.00. 
To be had only of DR. C. D. SALFIELD, 318 
Kearny Btreet, tan Francisco. 

TRIAL BOTTLE FREE. 
Sufficient to show its merit, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating his symptoms and 
age.. Communications strictly confidential. 



WILLIAMS ,DIMOND &CO. 

SHIPPING AND 

Commission Merchants, 

UNION B LOC K, 
Junction Market and Pine Streets* 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



A CENTS FOR PACIFIC HAUL S, 8. 
Co.; the Pacific Steam Navigation Co.; the 
Cunard Royal Mail S. S. Co. ; the Hawaiian Line; 
the China Traders' Insurance Co. (Limited); the- 
Marine Insurance Co. of London ; the Baldwin- 
Locomotive Works; the Glasgow Iron Co. ; Nich, 
Ash ton & Son's Salt. 



Opera Glasses 

THE LITEST JUST RECEIVED. 

1863. 0nl y Pebble Estab'm't. 1884. 




13S MONTGOMERY STREET, 
Near Bush. 

Orders by Mall or Express Promptly 
Attended to. 

Compound Astigmatic Lenses 
Mounted to order at wo hours notice. 

The Most Complicated Cases of Defective Vision 
thoroughly Diagnosed FREE OF CHARGE. 




H 
I 
m 

> 









D. W. LAIRD, San Francisco Jewelry Manufactory, 27 p QgL F- 



ESTABLISHED 1858. 

W. K.VANDERSLICE&CO. 

MAM rttTIKIXi 

Jewelers and 
Silversmiths, 

136 SUTTER ST. 

Howard, Waltham & Elgin 

WATCHES. 

DIAMONDS. 

Orders by Mail will receive Fruiupt 

and 4'areful .mention, tiood* sent 

to an) part or iii«- Man or 

Territories. 





Optical Institute, 427 Kearny 
$2, S2.50 and $3 

Buys the Finest Spectacles in ex- 
istence; $1, 50c. and 35c. those 
of lower grade. Adjusting Spec- 
tacles to suit the various condi- 
tions of the sight a specialty. No ( 
other optician has o can get sucr 
facilities as are to be found at thi; 
establishment, because ihe in- 1 /^/^srKV 
strument used for measuring the *- tV**! - *'* 
strength of the eye is my own invention and 
patent, and is the only one ever invented that 
will give the exact amount of imperfection in 
one's sight. Beware of impostors, who tell you 
or their long experience, that they make lenses, 
etc., as the Optical Institute is the only place 
on this coast where lenses are ground to order. 
L. A. BERTELTNG, Scientific Optician. 
427 Kearny St. (successor to Bertling« Watry) 

Cut this Out and Keep It for Reference. 




WEARING the DUPLEX GALVANIC BELT 
The unparalleled success of this medical belt 
in the cure of Nervous Weakness and Prostra- 
tion, Impotency, Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Dys- 
pepsia, Constipation and all Liver and Kidney 
Diseases, is attested by thousand who have been 
cured by it. It is not the only Galvanic Belt in 
the market, hut it is the only one that ever re- 
ceived a silver medal as a premium. It is uni- 
versally acknowledged to be the bust in tub 
world It iB adapted to self-treatment and cure 
at home. Full instructions go with every belt. 
Prireof belt, complete, either male or female, 
$10. Sent prepaid to any address for CASH, 
or by express C O.D. 

Address DUPLEX <■ 4 LV VMI CO., 113 
Kearny St., San Francisco, Cal, 



FIRE. MARINE. 

The Largest Pacific Coast Insurance Co. 

OF CALIFORNIA, 

ASSETS 81,50(1,000 

Home Office : S. W. cor. Cal. ■£• Sansome. 

SAX FRANCISCO, . CAL. 

D. J. Staplks. Proa. Ai.iiiri* BtTLL, Vice-Pros. 
Wm. J. Dctto.n, Sec E.W. CARPB.NTBH,Afl8'tSec 



0. L HUT0HIN8ON. H. B. HANN. 

Hutchinson &. Mann, 

INSURANCE AGENCY, 
N. E. Cor. Califorolu aud Kansonie Ala. 

CASH ASSETS REPRESENTED. $23,613,618 
W. L. cbalniera, Z. P. Clark, special Ageot. 
aod Adjusters, O.pt. A. M. Lump. Marine 
Snrveyor. 



THE UNIVERSAL 

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIA- 
TION of California for 
Unmarried Persons. 

OFFICE. 1038 MISSION ST. 



i&y SEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUES and LISTS 



MODEL M USIC CTORE 
DST 111 ARK ED WUCCESS. 



HAZELTON PIANOS. 

Unequalled for Tone and Brilliancy. 

BENHAM PIANOS, HOME MANUFACTURE. 

Pirst-Class and Medium Price. 



MARKET s ™jl' 



Chas. S. Eaton 
A. M. Benham 



fgTBEST EDITIONS SHEET MUSIC 10 CTS. A COPY. 



USE 
Dr. 




BITTERS 



HENLEY'S 

The Creat Tonic of the Nineteenth Century. 



OVERLAND SHORT LINE 

General Ticket Dili. . . 2 NEW MONTGOMERY ST., In Palace Hotel, 

CHICAGO «&. NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY 

NOT ONLY THE PIONEER LINE 

But Acknowledged to be the 

VERY BEST LINE ON THE CONTINENT. 

J. M. DA VIES. General Agent. 



" THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST." 

Total Inorkasr ovkfi Thirteen Mill-ons. 

Surplus above Liahilitirs over Tex Millions. 

Buy your Insurance in the 

N. Y. LIFE INSURAECE CO. 

Total Assets, - $55,M2,ft02.J2 
Total Increase, 91S,GGI.350.tiG 

Those wishing a safe nnd secure Life Policy, at 
liberal terms, can apply to A. G. IIAM'K**, 
Manager for Pacific Coast, 220 Sansome St., S.F. 




PHOTOGRAPHER , 

Montgomery Street, San Francisco. 



H. L. Dodge, 
L H. Sweeney, 



.1. R Kuggles, 

F. W. Van Sicklen. 



DODGE, SWEENEY & CO., 

Wholesale Provision Dealers and 

i urn mission Merchants, 

114-116 MARKET & 11-13 CALIFORNIA, 

Sole Agents for " Libby, McNeill & Libby's 

Canned Meats," "H, M. Dupec's Chicago Hams." 

1>. O. Box 1242 



"W. T. COLEMAN & CO , 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants, 

s. E. Cor. Market and Alain streets, 
SAN FRANCISCO. 



I CHI B AN 



she iihi:iuisi;mi;vi on dramatic page. 



STEINWAY PI^^sTOS. 

Exclusively used by PATH, GEISTER and DOTTI. 
MATTHIAS GRAY", Sole Agent, 206 POST ST., S. F. 



SELBY SMELTING AND LEAD COMPANY, 
416 Montgomery Street, ------- San Francisco 

Gold and Silver Refinery and Assay Otlicc 
Highest Prices Paid for Gol I, Silver and Lead Ores and Sulphurets. Manufacturers of BLUE- 
STONE. Also, Lead Pipe, Sheet Lead, Shot, etc. This Company has the best facilities on the 
Coast for working GOLD, SILVER and LEAD in their various forms. 

PRENTISS SELBY, Superintendent. 



W. G. Badger, 

SOLE AGENTS FOB 

HALLET, DAVIS & CO'S 

CELEB BATED 

PIANOS, 

Geo. Woods & Co's Parlor and Vestry Organs, 

So. i:t Silicon. i- Street. S. F. 

BEFORE BUYING YOUR 

SAFE 

Call and see our large stock. 
Second-hand Safes always 
on hand. Safes sold on the 
Installment Plan. 

Halls Safe and Lock Co., 

211 .V 213 CALIFORNIA ST., S.F. 




GEORGE MORROW & CO-, 

Established 1854. 

Hay, Grain & Commission 

Merchants. 

SHIPPING ORDERS A SPECIALTY. 

39 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

A REVOLUTION 

IN THR 

TREATMENT OF DISEASE- 
MAGNETIC SHIELDS, 

The Great Curative Agent of 
our Times. 

RHEUMATISM, NEURALGIA 
and DYSPEPSIA cannot 
exist where these Shields are 
worn. Nothing in the history 
of our world equals the wonder- 
ful eures wrought by wearing 
our lIiiRnetlc Skidds. A 
single pair of our 

FOOT BATTERIES 
will convince any skeptic of the 
truth of what wo say. Try a 
l>air. Price $1, by mail, to any 
address. Send forour new book, 
"A Plain Road to Health." Free 

Chicago & San Francisco 
Magnetic Shield Co. 
iog post street, 
San Francisco, Cal. 




Try Crittenden's 

DYSPEPSIA BITTERS. 

Offiob and Depot : 
1735 & 1737 MARKET ST. 

P. Dauscher & Co., Proprietors. 

E. H. Crittenden & Clias. P. Fulton, Managers. 

L. D. STONE & CO., 

(Successors to R. Stone,) 

MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF 

Harness, Saddles.Saddlery.Hard- 

ware, Collars, Whips, Ropes, 

Horse Blankets, 

And all rinds of Harness & Patsnt Leathers, 

422 & 421 Buttery Street. 

Cor. Washington, San Francisco. 

S. W. RAVE LEY, 

Book and Job Printer, 

518 CLAY STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery & Sansome, Snn Francisco. 



BETTER THAN GOLD. 




Budweiser 



On Draught 
only at 



The Louvre, 



JULIUS GRUEN, Proprietor, 
Phelan Block, cor. Dupont St. 



Ag f rr ,s ARION 



and other 
Reliable 
Makes of 



PIANO. 



You can save 25 per 

cent, by buying 

your Piano of 



E. DUNN & GO. 



Music Store, 
1210 Market St 



o 



ert- 



MORAGrHAN'S FROZEN OYSTERS, 75c. per Can, 68 & 69 Oaliforaia Market. 



Coal. «*3r j. MACDONOUG.H & CO., 41 MARKET STREET.-^ Coal 




Ask 



Ask 




Throat, 



Catarrh, 



W. ITC. LANE, 

E verybodys P lumber, 

(Established 1S60,) 

No. 505 KEARNY ST. 



Pettijohn's 

BREAKFAST GEM 



Healthiest & Most Palatable 

Of any Cereal Food in the World. 

MADE FROM TUE CHOICEST 

SONORA WHEAT. 

It Is Unrivaled in Excellence and 

Pnrlly. It is Nutritions and 

Easily Digested. It is Free 

from all Impurities. 

This Excellent BREAKFAST GEM is put up 
in 24 Packages in each case. 

ALL RETAIL GROCERS KEEP IT. 



IT WILL CURE 
CONSUMPTION 

P. 0. Box, 1886. 
Address: 




Lungs, 



Fevers. 



For Coughs, Colds, 
Whooping Coughs and 
all Throat affections 
it has no equal. 



Ilinnvt ii ("ill u:. 933 Wa»hln£ton St:, cor. Powell, S. P. 



JNO. LEVY & CO., 

Makers and Importers of Fine Jewelry, 

DIAMONDS, PRECIOUS STONES, WATCHES, 

SILVERWARE, CARRIAGE and MANTEL 

Clocks, Opera-glasses, Fans, Etc., 

118 M'TTKR HTREKT H»n Franclseo, Cal. 



DON'T BUY 

a DRIED- UP 
IMPORTED 
H a r n ess, 
when you can 
purchase are- 
na! >le home- 
mat ehirners 
fur ld.sm.n- 
ey. For a 
good, cheai 

E rice, $20 per set. Am now making of this num- 
er 75 set per month. Our No. 20 is waved traces, 
scalloped lays, a reliable good style business har- 
ness; pi ice per set, $30. Now making of this num- 
ber 40 sets permonth. Don't buy until you exam- 
ine our line of work. Prices range from -S10 to §90 
for single, and §20 to §200 for double harness. 

"W. DAVIS, 410 Market street. 
SEND FOE CATALOGUE. 




S. J. LEVY, Proprietor, 
D.J. LEVY, Cutter. 




- <fc5 

Dress Pants, _ 
Suits, - - - - 20 

Dress Suits, - - - 35 



GIVE THY SON A LIBERAL EDUCATION." 

ACIFIC BUSINESS fjOLLEGE 



P acific n 
LIFE MEMBERSHIP I [■ 
ONLY £70. 2JP 



LIFE MEMBERSHIP I IBSEND FOR 

| ONLY £70. UP CIRCULAR. 



y 320 P s q rT 




KOHLER A CHASE, 137 to 139 Post St., 

Sole Agents for the Celebrated 

Decker Bro'sPiano 

Also for the 
FISCHER, the ici-HK and the DEUX- 

1X« Piano*. 

Cash or installments. Largest Piano and Music 
House on the Coast. 



THE BOSS, 




FOR SALE BY 

Pacific Saw 

Manufacturing Company, 

Nos. 17 and Iff Freniont Street, S. F.N 

Complete with Pacific Saw Manufacturing 
Company's Extra Blade, Set and Filed ready for 
work, ©1,50 sach. 



HIBERNIA BREWERY, 

Beer and Porter Wholesale. 



1229 HOWARD ST. 

MATTHEW NUNAN, Prop. 

(AMOUNT SOLD IN 1883: 
30,000 Barrels. 



"The Wine of the Elite." 




UNEXCELLED FOR 
BOUQUET! 
DELICACY! 
DRYNESS! 



ONLY PRODUCERS OF 

Natural Sparkling Wines 

ON THE PACIFIC COAST. 



S30 WASHINGTON SI S.F. CAL. 
PRODUCED BY FERMENTATION IN THE BOTTLE. 



D 



R ZEILE'S INSTITUTE 

(Established 1852.) 

The largest. Airiest and Best It tills on Hie Pacific Coast. TURKISH, 
RUSSIAN, SIEAM, SULPHUR or MEDICATED BATHS for Eadics and Gentle- 
men. All on tlie Ground Floor <no basement.) 

5?2 to 528 PACIFIC STREET. P. F. 



INDESTRUCTIBLE 



EYE-GLASSES. 




WITH PATENT EAST 

NOSE-PIECE. 

OPTICIAN AND JEWELER. 



407 Kearny 

Sear PINE. 

Send for Catalogue. 



Charles R. Allen, 

Importer and Dealer in 
HOUSE, STEAM, FOUNDRY AND 

CUMBERLAND COAL- 

Retail Trade a Specialty. 

120 BEALE STREET. 




PALACE BYE WORKS. 



DYING. CLEANING, 

AftD RESTORING. 

Best and Cheapest 

in the City. 



Main Office, 633 MARKET ST., Palace Hotel. 

Works, 210-313 RIDLEY sT. Oakland Office. 1163 BROADWAY, cor, 13th. 

CHAS. J. HOLMES, PROPRIETOR. 



Merchants' and Tourists' 
Headquarters, 



THE BALDWIN. 



The Leading Hotel of San Francisco. 

H. H. PlERSON, PROPRIETOR. 
B. Harden beriili, Chief Clk. M. A. French, Cashier 



Buy FURNITURE of the INDIANAPOLIS CHAIR M'F'G COMPANY, 

750 MISSION STREET, and Save 15 per cent. Largest Stock in the City. 



PFRRIFR'R FRENCH RESTAURANT. { 

L_ I I I I I IL— I 1 \J TELEPHONE 80S. *■ 



Private Rooms for Families. 
Banquet Hall. 



19 & IZL OFARRELL ST 

I fai OC I n" near Market and Dnpont. 



1+ 




VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 6. 



Price y 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, AUGUST 9, 1884. 



-! lO CENTS. 



The LARGEST HAT STORE on this COAST. 



Herrmann, The Hatter. 

( C. Herrmann & Co. ) 
332 to 336 Kearny Street, 



Between Bush and Pine Sts. 



San Francisco. 



FINEST PHOTOS IN THE CITY 

AT THE 

IMPERIAL GALLERY, 

724J4 Market Street. 

THE CELEBRATED 

CHAMPAGNE WINES 

Of Messrs. Deiitz S: Gelderman, Ay, en Champagne. 

Cachet Q3lanc, TrfsSar.. i^^nVpirST 8 ' 



Bordeaux Red and White Wines j 1 " ^i""/!?'' 



CHARLES MEINECKE & CO., 

Importers and Sole Agents, 
314 SACRAMENTO STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 

THE NEVADA BANK 



OF SAN FRANCISCO. 



CAPITAL PAID UP 



$3,000,000. 



Agency at New York 62 Wall Street. 

Agency at Virginia, Nevada. 
Buys and sells Exchange and Telegraphic Transfers. Issues 
Commercial and Travelers' Credits. 



CALIFORNIA 

SAFE DEPOSITSTRUST CO. 

326 MONTGOMERY ST., SAN FRANCISCO. 

J. D. Fry, Pres.; C. R.Thompson (late of Union Trust Co., 
N. Y.) Treas.; Wm. Cunningham, Sec. 

CAPITAL PAID UP AND SURPLUS, - $925,000. 

Interest Allowed on Deposits, 

At 3 per cent, per annum for Deposits to remain 30 days or 
longer ; 2 per cent, on Deposits subject to check at sight. 
Loans made on Collateral Security. 

Vault Department: Safes, $2 to $20 per month, $15 to $200 
per year. Valuables of all kinds received on Special Deposit 
for safe keeping. Open 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., S. E. cor. Montgomery 
and California Streets. Gen'l W. L. Elliott, Vice-Pres. 

F. E. R. Whitney, Sup't and Chief of Patrol. 



CHARLES DIETLE, 
PRIZE BOOT MAKER, 

235 Bush St., San Francisco. 



SHIPPER & SCHWARTZ, 
MERCHANT TAILORS, 

733 Market Strekt, - Oitosite Dupont, 

SAN FRANCISCO, CAL. 

Sol. Shii'I'ER, formerly of San Jose, and late from 

Portland, Oregon. 



PRIZE- 



BOOT AND_SH0E MAKER. 
IOHN UTSCHIG, 



326 Busk Street, 



San Francisco. 



BURR & FINK, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

620 Market Street, 
opposite palace hotel entrance. 

Great Blood Purifier. 
DRINK 

African Stomach Bitters. 

Most Agreeable Tonic ever Prepared. 

THE CALIFORNIA 

Savings and Loan Society, 

JUNCTION MARKET AMD POWELL STS. 



Deposits received. Loans made on city and country property 
at low rates. 

SAN FRANCISCO WIRE WORKS. 

C. H. GRUENHAGEN, 

MANUFACTURER OF 

ALL KINDS of WIRE WORK 

669 MISSION STREET, 
BET. THIRD AND NEW MONTGOMERY. 

Best Shirts, 

Underwear and Furnishing Goods. 

CARMANY, 

25 Kearny Street. 



E. MARTIN & CO., 

Importers and Wholesale Liquor Dealers. 

"ARGONAUT," "J, F. CUTTER," and "MILLER'S EXTRA' 

Old Bo^riion Whiskies, 
408 FRONT STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 

gTUDEBAKER BROS.' 

CARRIAGES AND BUGGIES 

201-207 Market Street, San Francisco. 

"White House" Whiskies, 

Holland Gin, French Brandies, Port, Sherry, 

ETC., ETC. 

In Bond or Duty Paid. 

GEORGE STEVENS, 

3 t8 FRONT STREET, Room 2, SAN FRANCISCO. 

"EXCELSIOR!" "EXCELSIOR!" 

C. ZINNS, 
FASHIONABLE TAILOR, 

5 Montgomery St. (Masonic Temple), 
SAN FRANCISCO. 

donald McMillan, 

Manufacturer and Dealer in 

SYRUPS, CORDIALS, BITTERS, EXTRACTS, 

CALIFORNIA WINES, ETC. 

714 Front Street, San Francisco. 

P. O. Box 1443. Telephone No. 87. 

Drink Donald McMillan's Celery Tontc ! 



A. S. Hallioie, Pres. 



Henry L. Davis, Sec'y. 



California Wire Works, 

Manufacturers and Dealers in every de crip t ion of Wire Goods, 
Brass, Copper and Iron Wire Cloth, Wire Work Railings, 
Guards, Screens, Sieves, Shade Cloth, Bird Cages, Battery 
Screens, etc. 

Office and Salesroom : 
6 CALIFORNIA ST., S. F. 



ST. 



LEMP'S 
LOUIS BEER. 



OTTO NORMANN, 

Sole Agent Pacific Coast 

WM. J. LEMP'S WESTERN BREWERY, 

ST. LOUIS, MO. 

411 Bush St., San Francisco, 

Large Stock of Beer in Bulk and Bottles always on hand. 

83T ORDERS from dealers promptly ATTENDED TO.*^Sfi 



I 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES. "^^T^SSS?^^™ 



WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY. 

COB. FOI'KTU A ItRYAVT STS., S. P., 
Manufacturers of and Dealt rs in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A Large Assortment Constantly on 
Hand and Hade to Order. 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 
Guaranteed. 

Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon. 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, San Francisio. 
Fresh Bread delivered every day and cafces 
made to Order. Sole agent for RUSSIAN 
CAVIAR and WESTPHALIA HAMS. Ger- 
man Saneages. A. REUSCHE. 

KOHLER & VAN BERGEN. 

FINE 

Old Table 

WINES. 

ZI.VFA.XUEI.. 

CI.AKF.rS, 
HOCKS 
PORTS, 

SUERRIES,Ete 

VAULTS; '- 

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Branch : %p\4 
987 to 993 Market *>< 

UNDER GRAND ,£ft 
CENTRAL MARKET. 

Growers and Dealers in 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 
PRINCIPAL HFFICE: 

AI7 AIQ Montgomery St, 

*TBIj ^U SAN FRANCISCO. 

Veuve Glicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

QUARTS AND P1NTH. 

A. VIGNIERTSole Agent, 

439 A 431 BATTERY ST., S. F. 

DR. HENLEY'S 





CELERY 



Tie ereatest 
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town. 



BEEF 

A3 

IRON 



(LinMi's Extract), 

tie Wondertal Nutritive 

and Mnorator, 



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Food lor tie Brain. 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERY, lately pre- 
pared and sold in Portland, Or., has been exten- 
sively used in that locality and performed many 
astonishing cures. As a NERVINE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEP and IRON has shown to possess wonderful 
power to build up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to both mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in cases of GENERAL DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA, LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared nnd Sold by 

TTJTHIL.L, COX & CO., 

537 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum 8 Anatomy 

751 market St. 

00 AND LEARN HOW TO 
" avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
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Private Office, 211 Geary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



JOHN WIELAND 

Proprietor, 
Second St., nr. Folsom. S.F. 



CAN f RANCISCO 

Capital Stock, 
$200,000. 

?????? ? 

ODR LAGER BEER IS 
BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAR 
RANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANY CLIMATE. 




REWERI, 



Corner of Powell 

AND 

Francisco Streets 

Telephone 9012. 

Ale and Porter 

IN BULK OR BOTTLE. 

Superior to any 

ON THE 

Pacific Coast. 



"JESSE MOORE 

WHISKEY." 

Superior in 

QUALITY 




C. a. Moore, 

F 

JESSE MOORE & Co 
Louisville, Ky. 

II. R. Ilniif, 

San Francisco. 




J. GUUDLAGH ft CO. 




RIPE OLD WINES. 

(UNSURPASSED— DELICIOUS FLAVOR.) 

"Wine Vaults: Market & Second. S.F. 



The FavoTiie of Real 
L onnoiRseuis 




THE GENUINE 

KRUG 

Champagne x& 

FROM FRANCE, >wS8w*« 

IN QUARTS X*. V^ 



AND 

PINTS. 




For Sale 

at all 



H. Clausen & Son Brewing Co. 
IXPJRT CHAMPAGNE 

Lager Beer! 

BOITi.SD BY TUB 
I'JIU M\ BOTTLING CO., NEW YORK. 

Pure, Bright and Sparkling, and RECOM- 
MENDED BY LEADING PHYSICIANS as Best 
Beer for Family Use. 

ALFRED GREENEBAUM&CO. 

Sole Agents I'acific Coast. 

133 CALIFORNIA STREET, S. F. 

For Sale Everywhere. 




•R~ l D GLOVE R 

ALWAYS 
GIVE 
P SATIS- 
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FACTORY . No. 119 DIIPONT STREET, 

Bet. Geary and Post, Man Francisco. 

PREBLE'S 

OREGON CIDER. 

(In Cases and BARhELS.) 
Warranted to Keep in any Climate. 

CAL. and OREGON CIDER CO., 
218 »AVIS STREET, S. F. 




SOLD BY 
DRUGGISTS 

AND 

GROCERS 

EVERYWHERE. 



gH Every Bottle 
Guaranteed. 




STANDARD LEATHER BELTING. 



A. O. COOK & SON, 

416 MARKET STREET, S. F. 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, AUGUST 9, 1884. 




LITTLE BUTTERCUP IN JUDGE SULLIVAN'S OOUR 1 

" When I wan young and cdjKsnirig, I jreacfesed baby Xarsning." 



THE WASP. 



THE GIRL GRADUATE, 



She has hair of flaxen yellow, she has eyes of sapphire blue, 
She has cheeks the softest, daintiest, like velvet to the touch ; 

She knows more than I or twenty others like me, ever knew — 
The trouble is, she knows a lot too much. 

She has graduated cleverly, has taken her degree ; 

She can talk in seven languages and read a dozen more ; 
But how would she comport herself if taken on my knee — 

How act, if she were kissed behind the door ? 

Can botany, zoology, astronomy and such 

Add grace to what dame Nature took such pains to make so well ? 
I wish I knew a little more, or she not quite so much — 

My favorite flower was never a Blue-BelL 

I've only got a single hope to pin my faith unto — 
One hope, as faint and visionary as a morning dream — 

Perhaps she'll drop her classics for a good old-fashioned woo, 
And be won from mathemati s by ice-cream. 

Perhaps the day I kiss her, she may coyly kiss me back, 
Like a girl whose only language is her graceful mother-tongue ; 

Perhaps but only fancy, if I haven't got the knack 

Of wooing, as they wooed the Greeks among. 

No matter — sink conchology (except her sea-shell ear), 

Sink botany (except the flaxen glories of her hair), 
Sink languages (except enough to tell her she is dear) — 

I'll study for the ordeal and dare. 

******* 

I've written my proposal, and I have her sweet reply, 
I've won her and I'll wear her, for indeed I love her well ; 

But how vain were all my doubtings ; she's as ignorant as I — 
She accepts me, and she cannot even spell ! 

- G. H. Jessop in "The Judge. 



THE YELLOW DOG, 



It was in a public garden, where I took a seat on a bench beside a very 
old lady. She wore a queer black bonnet, so black that blackness, of heart 
could not compare with it. 

The poor creature exhaled an odor like that of a dog-kennel. There 
was a great brute, a lank yellow dog who went idling about before us, 
stopping all of his own race, sniffing at them with an air of aBSurance tinged 
with irony, and lifting his ears. 

I watched the big, ugly dog. The old lady looked at me. I smiled. 
She smiled, a smile full of kindness wherein I found a vague reflection of 
the vanished smiles of parents who spoiled me in old times. 

" Does that great yellow dog belong to you, madam ? " 

" He is mine, sir. He is very fine, isn't he 1 " 
I bowed in polite assent. What was the good of breaking her heart ? 

" An Englishman offered me five hundred francs for him." 

" I should have guessed it, madam. Any smaller sum would have sur- 
prised me." 

" Only he runs away. Bless me ! I cannot run as I did when twenty 
years old. He got away from me and I never saw him for three years. 
Then he had a friend with him. She was yellow like him. She had no- 
where to go. I adopted her. They have some little ones now, all yellow 
like father and mother ! " 

" As much care for you as children." 

" Oh no. I have thirty-four. " 

" For mercy's sake ! " 

" But all yellow, sir, all of them, like father and mother." 

" In your room ? " 

"Yes. But I take them out." 

" Poor woman ! " 

" Only, you see, sir, the janitor does not like dogs. If he knew that I 
had thirty-four, there would be an end to the world. Fortunately they are 
all yellow. So I take them out, one after the other, all day long, and the 
janitor thinks that it is always the same dog." 

— Translated from the French by E. F. D. 



CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS. 



A Kick met a worn out and weary Boom going to the depot, with a 
valise in its hand, a duster over its shoulder and a look of joy in its eye. 

" Hello ! " said the Kick, " where are you going, Boom, so gaily this 
morning ? " 

" Ah ! " replied the Boom, " I'm off for the seashore. My work is over 
for the campaign, and I shall spend my vacation by the sad sea waves." 

" Alas !" sighed the Kick, feeling its muscles, " and my work has only 
just commenced. " — Denver Opinion. 

" Push things "- 
Public. — Puck. 



-Tribune. "All right; stand from under" — General 



George Washington, it is said, never told a lie. As he was twice elected 
to the Presidency, he evidently had some able falsifier manage his campaign 
for him. — N. Y. Graphic. 



Macaulay's New Zealander will have a hard time if, after standing on 
Westminster bridge and gazing at the ruins of London, he should visit Amer- 
ica and get hold of some of our current political terms. What, for instance, 
could be made of this sentence, applied to Senator Voorhees : ' ' The tall 



sycamore of the Wabash gave a specimen last evening at the Democratic* 
stand in the Court House yard, of how crows are eaten." — Bambler. 

A Mugwump met a Cress-eyed Thing with a Knowing Squint and a 
Don't- You-Forget-It Leer. 

" I'll bet you can't Guess who I am," exclaimed the Thing. 

After guessing that it might be the Soul of a Tom Cat or Jay Gould's 
Conscience, the Mugwump gave it up. 

With conscious pride, the Thing then Btated that it was the Profundity 
of a Political Prophet. — Hatchet. 

The World, in claiming immunity of both the Democratic candidates 
from rhymsters, is at least assailable in regard to Hendricks, who eight years 
ago was only known as 

" Thomas A. Hendricks, 
Sam. Tilden's appendix." — Life. 



The Blaine plume for the ladies this year should be made mostly of 
guinea-hen feathers. These are speckled and spotted and piebald enough to 
retain all the delicate tints and taints of the original tattoo. — Chicago Even- 
ing Mail. 



Missing political lynx — Grant and Conkling. — Life. 

An Honest Vote was going along the straight road in its shirt-sleeves, 
when it Perceived an individual wrapped up in an Ulster and retired behind 
a haystack. 

" And who may you be 1 " inquired the Honest Yote. 

"I," returned the Semi-congealed stranger, "am an Aggressive Cam- 
paign." 

"Ho, ho!" exclaimed the Honest Vote, "then you are the Party who 
was going to Lick me out of my Boots. If so, why do not you Proceed to 
Lick?" 

" I would," responded the Aggressive Campaign, "but will you kindly 
observe the Temperature ? " 

" I find it very comfortable," said the Honest Vote. 

" It may be for you," remarked the other, as it drew its Ulster about its 
Emaciated Form, " but it is a Cold Day for Me." 

The Moral of this fable teaches us that M rality is not quite played out 
yet. — Puck. 

FRITZ'S BOY AND THE ROGUE, 



" I leaf my son Shake in der shtore while I come down town," he began, 
as he halted a patrolman, " und booty queek a man vhalks in und looks all 
aroundt und says : 

" ' Boy, I has got some badt news for you.' 

" ' How vos dat ? ' asks Shake. 

" ' Veil, your fadder falls down on der shtreet und breaks his leg, und I 
vhas htre to get a dollar to bay for a hack to bring him home mit.' 

" Veel, dot makes my poy Shake feel like a load of hay fall on him, but 
he doan go quite grazy. He tinks it all oafer, und asks : 

" * So my fadder proke his leg 1 ' 

"'Yes.' 

" ' Vhich leg vhas it ? ' 

" 'Der left leg.' 

" ' Are you sure ? ' 

" ' Of course ; I help to carry him into der City Hall.' 

" Den my poy Shake he laughs all oafer — just so — and chuckles down in 
his poots — like dis — und den he plows bolice vhistle mit all his might, und 
dot schwindler runs avay." 

"Why?" 

" Veel, you look here a few times." 
He reached down and pulled up the left trousers leg, and the officer 
saw a neat and handy wooden limb. 

" You don't fool my poy Shake on wooden legs, und don't you forgot 
him," chuckled the old man, as he waved his hand for a street-car. 

NO MYSTERY ABOUT THIS GEORGIA GIRL, 



Georgetown Ga 6 W-Slf. 
My Dear Honey : I have just laid aside my work and have taken my 
pen in hand to show you that I do think about you in fact the trouble is to 
keep from thinking of you all the time this afternoon just before commenc- 
ing dinner I felt so lonely that I didn't know what to do now as I never had 
such feelings before I met you I cannot help but think I must be in love 
well if I am in love with you I am sure I have no need to be ashamed of it 
you see when I got the potatoes and was about to have them for dinner I 
just thought how nice it would be if I was just doing that for your dinner 
and mine only in our snug little house when are you going to get your li- 
cense I think you are so long about it I aint in a hurry but then I would 
like to get married if we are going to do it at all and not be fooling away all 
these short summer evenings as ever your Darling. 



In the same line of business. A banana skin lay on the grocer's floor. 
" What are you doing there ? " asked the Scales, peeping over the counter. 
" Oh, I am laying in wait for the grocer." 
"Pshaw!" said the Scales ; "I've been doing that for years."— Chicago 

News. 

The big, luscious-looking strawberry seemed very much confused. 

" What's the matter ? " asked a little one lying near. 

" I don't know. I seem to have lost myself. Everything looks so strange 
and unfamiliar here." 

' ' Don't know where you are, eh 1 " 

" No, I am quite sure I never was here before. What place do you call 
this ? " 

" This ? Why, this is the bottom of the box. "—Ghkago News. 



THE WASP. 



3 



LITTLE JOHNNY. 



The personal Fortunes and political Views of an American wrecked on the 
Island of Madagascar— He expounds the theory of Government to which he 
has been accustomed— With his Recognition of a Compatriot, the Story 
abruptly ends- Brief Narrative of the Camel and the Politician— The 
Charges of Immorality against Governor Cleveland exhaustively explained' 
by our young Contributor's Uncle Edward— The Facts frankly admitted, 
but a Plea made of mitigating Circumstances. 



My Uncle Ned, wich has been in Injuy and evry were, he says one time 
there was a feller from the Unitid State wich was a ship rweck onto the 
Hand of Madgigasker, and all the other men in the ship thay was drownded. 
So the wite feller he sed to his self, "I gess there aint no sho for me to get 
a way, so He jest go into the middle of the iland and take up a hunderd an 
sixty akers of land." 

So he traveled four weeks, and then he come to a big town, and he seen 
a big house in the middle, and he sed, " I spose thats the land once. He go 
in and fix the boss clerk ; " but wen he got in the town the natif niggers 
collerd him an took him to the big house their own selfs, cos it was their 
king's pallous, and the spokesman he said to the king, " We have fetched 
you one of them gods wich is some times woshed a shore long the coast." 

The king he looked at the wite feller a wile, and then he sed to the 
Prime Minster, "Take him out and lick him til he promises to give us good 
wether and a big weat harvist. " 

Then the wite feller he spoke up an sed, "I aint one of them kind of 
gods, the one wich cude have done that for you was et by a shark wile he 
was in the wotter. Ime the duck wich confers the blessings of good guv- 
ment." 

Then the king he sed, "If that's so we haint got no use for you, cos we 
are mity wel fixed that way." 

But one of the peoples he shuke his head and sed, " I dont kno bout 
that, I gess we better lick him for luck and hear wot he has got for to say." 

Then the wite feller he sed, " Never mine bout the lickin, He jest wave 
ol cerrimony and promise you the blessins of good guvment any how if you 
wil do as I say, jest sech a guvment as I have bestode onto my whershipers 
in the United States. Wot kind of a king is this chap 1 " 

Then the people's spokeman he said he was a mity good one, wich kanew 
the bisness, cos he had ben kingin all his life. 

" Then turn him out at once," the wite feller sed, " an put in a man wich 
one haf of you bleeves to be a gum daBted rascle. " 

The natif niggers thay was a stonish, and thay sed there wasent no sech 
man in the country, cos wen ever sech a man shode hissef in the streets he 
was all ways took immedate an skun a live. The wite feller he thot a wile, 
an bime by he Bpoke up an sed, "Got any of them skins?" and thay sed 
yes, the last one had ben kep in the roge's gallery, and the wite man he sed, 
"Stuf it and lect it Presdent for four years, and then you wil have lib- 
berty." 

The spokeman he sed, "We have got libberty now — wot is a Presdent?" 

Jest then a nigger wich carried a grip sack come in, and he spoke up an 
sed, "In my country we have got a Presdent — wot is libberty ? ', 

Then the wite feller he wolked over and shook the nigger wich last 
spoke's hand and sed, " Ime dog on glad for to see you, ole man, how was 
things going wen you lef New York ? " 

And now He tel you a little story bout a cammle wich was a sho. One 
time a man wich hadent never see one he came in and seen the cammle, and 
the man was a pollytition, but a pollywog is a other thing. The man he 
luked at the cammle a long time, cos he was a stonish, an then he foun the 
keeper and he said, " Wel, the campain has ohpend mity lifely, I see the 
hunch backs has orgnized and lected their cheerman." 

Cammles is some times calld the ship of the dezert, but Jack Brily, wich 
is the wicked sailer, he says their upper deck is the uppest wich he ever 
seen, and their figger heds is on the end of the jib boom. 

Billy he tole me that the news paper had some offle things in it a bout 
Mister Cleevland, and I ast him wot they was. Billy he sed, " Wel, 
Johnny, I red it, but there was a good many words wich I cudent under 
stand, but thay cant fool me, and I kanow that he has ben kissin the girls." 

Then I sed, "Wot a whicked man," an Billy he sed, " Yes, in deed, less 
thay was his sisters." 

Bime by Uncle Ned he come in, and I said would he let me have the 
paper, cos I wanted to read bout Mister Cleevland kissin the girls. Uncle 
Ned he sed, "To be shure, Johnny, to be shure, news papers is for to im- 
proof the yuthful mind. I only jest laid that paper down this minnit, but I 
cant exackly remember where I put it, I'll hunt it up for you rite a way, cos 
yure father, wich is a Repubcan, wude be mity sorry if his childern dident 
git the ful benfit of the nice famly readin wich his party thotfly pvides for 
beginners." 

So Uncle Ned he luked under the sofy, and then he luked behine all 
the picters on the wall, and then he put his hed in the grate and luked up 
the chimny, and evry were, but he cudent fine the paper. Then he thot a 
wile, Uncle did, and then he luked at Bildad, thats the new dog, wich was 
a sleep on the rug, and bime by Uncle Ned he sed, " Come to think, 
Johnny, Bildad was sick this morning and wasent able to throw it up, so I 
seen he needed a dose of Repubcan literture, and jest gave him that newB 
paper. He seems real releefed now, and wil pretty soon wake up mity 
hungry, I gess. 

Then Billy he sed, " Did Bildad shure enughf eat it, Uncle Ned ? " 

Uncle Ned he said, " Eat it, Bdly, eat it ? Wel, no, not exackly that. 
He jest took it sames you wude take cod liver oil if you had a sore to." 

Then I Bed would he tel us evry thing wich the paper had sed bout 
Mister Cleevland kissin the girls, and he sed, " yes, with grate plesher, 
cos its only rite for a boy wich has the good fortune to have a Repubcan for 
a father to lern as much as he can wile he is little, cos he wont kanow any 
thing at all wen he grows up if he is like his father. You see Guvner Cleev- 
land he was goin to school one day wen he was a boy, and he over took 3 
gerls wich was ofBe prety, an thay sassed him. Yes, Johnny, its sad to re- 
late, but as a Demcrat Ime bound for to tel the truth if I di for it, them 



gerls calld him a milk sop an sed he was a frade of a petty cote on a close 
line. That made his blud jest boil with wrage, you never seen sech a fewri- 
ous feller as he was ! So he threw his bookB and his lunch bucket in a fence 
corner and tuke after them gerls as hard as ever he cude hojk it, and he cot 
em too, one to a time, and held em and kissed em a long time, jest like he 
was a workin by the day." 

Then I spoke up an sed, " Wot a mizzable scowndril for to be Pres- 
dent ! " 

Uncle Ned he sed, " Yes, my boy, it was a dastedly and infmous thing 
for to do, but there was one mitigatin circus tent, and thats jest wot the 
gum daBted Repubcan news paper left out." 

Then Billy he spoke up an sed wot was it, and Uncle Ned he said, 
" ^y> y ou aee them gerls was the dotters of a good Demcrat, and thay 
liked it." 

But if I was gerls Ide rather be a zebry, wich is the swiftest anmel wich 
scowers the planes. 

VARIATIONS, 



A French artist who has recently settled in Boston, speaking about a 
certain lady to a friend of his, said : " I am not her admire at all ; ' too 
cftic-er-fresh,' you say it. She — m — m — what you call it ? — squeeze her eye 
at me." 

She is what a cockney would describe as an 'igh-flyer. 



An Englishman has raced to the front with a solemn treatise on yawn- 
ing. We can beat him on the home stretch. A woman here lately dislo- 
located her jaw while cooking her husband's too early breakfast. Jawful 
warning ! 



A Paris correspondent of London Truth, telling of precautions used in 
a southern town against cholera, mentions " a gentleman who by anointing 
his moustache with carbolic acid, propagated this ridiculouB precaution to 
such an extent that some boys put on false whiskers, while a lady in her 
evening walks in her garden had a sanitary moustache." 

This is a new name for him. 



PAPER BAGS. 



Old play-bills ! Thrilling scenes draw near — 

Quaint transposition of my fear, 

My joy, my woe ! Their good or sin 
Touch height and depth I feel within. 

Their glitter, hue and glamor veer 

As if the Past still hovered here, 
A bubble yet in atmosphere. 

I hear a vague orchestral din — 

Stay, old play-bills ! 

His shoulder-cloak, her train, appear, 
Hie plume, her fan, their tinsel gear, 

I hear the murmur weird and thin 

Of "Enter villain!" violin, 
View Love and Hate pass, disappear — 
Go, old play-bills ! 



The New York Tribune says : Miss Ellen Chase announces that there will 
be three women to one man in heaven, but she doesn't tell where the rest of 
the men will go. 

Three women, because, as the Germans and Chinese both have a prov- 
erb, "all good things go in threes." The other men will go Hell-ter- 
skelter. 



The scheme of the National Prohibition party to raise a campaign fund 
is novel. Shares are issued for the fund at $10 par value, and on their face 
they state that the dividends will be payable in heaven. New fundamentals 
of the Christian faith. 



It is now stated that " Sir Lepel Griffin was principally famous in India 
for the cut of his trousers." He is principally famous in America for the 
cut of his pen. 



'Heaven lies about our infancy." Our neighbors 

Major Key. 



Wordsworth says : 
lie about our adult-ery. 

The San Francisco Merchant, a commercial weekly of good standing, 
has pasBed into the hands — clean ones — of Mr. Charles R. Buckland, a 
gentleman of energy, talent, experience and character. The paper was es- 
tablished some half dozen years ago by Mr. A. D. Bell, who until within a 
few weeks has managed and edited it with good ability and without resort 
to any of the semi-piratical devices so common in the domain of trade jour- 
nalism. Under the new control this paper will doubtless be distinguished 
by the same qualities and methods which have hitherto commended it to the 
favor of the mercantile classes, and will, we believe, take on a new individ- 
uality and accomplish a new success. 



Mr. George Hearst, whom the Grass Valley Union describes as "a 
prominent candidate for the U. S. Senate," made a speech up at Nevada 
City the other day, "advancing," according to the same journal, "sound 
and practical views." The practical viewB are a recent addition to this 
statesman's harangues ; he has hitherto contented himself with advancing 
sound. 

It is safe to predict for Mr. Blaine's book a pretty large sale in Nevada 
county, this state. They don't want it, up there, for they are pretty well 
outfitted with Baxter's Saint's Rest and Ayer's Medical Almanacs ; but when 
Laura D. ensues with a subscription paper in one hand and the other thrust 
with a kind of soft significance into her hip pocket the patient entertains her 
proposition with a sociable hospitality that is beautiful to discern. 



THE WASP. 



YhzWasp 



VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 6. 



WEOLE NUMBER, 419. 



SATURDAY, 



AUGUST 9, 1884. 



PUBLISHED EVERT SATURDAY, AT NOS. 540 AND 543 CALIFORNIA STREET BY 

E. 0. MACFAKLANE & CO., 

Proprietors and Publishers. 

Teems to Subscribers : 

One copy, one year, or 52 numbers $5 00 

One copy, six months, or 26 numbers 2 50 

One copy for thirteen weeks 1 25 

Postage free to all parts of the United States, Canada and British Columbia, 
To all other councries one dollar per year extra. The country trade supplied by the 
San Francisco News Company. All Postmasters are authorized to take subscrip- 
tions for the "Wasp, payable invariably in advance. 

Directions to discontinue the paper should be given in writing. 

[Entered at the Postoffice at San Francisco for transmission at second-class rates.] 



THE FIRE. 



The "Wasp" appears this week in an imperfect state owing to (he qreat 
fire mi Tuesday which totally destroyed our whole edition, stones and presses. 
To issue the paper on the usual day involved the most arduous exertion. The 
cartoons had to be re-drawn and could he given this time only in black. The 
next number will appear as usual in colors. 

It is stated with iteration that the meaningless anti-monopoly resolution 
in the platform of the Republican state convention was not, as we intimated 
last week, drawn by Senator McClure of the Railroad, but by Mr. Estee. 
One Republican journal is not ashamed to confess that it was drawn with 
a special purpose to secure the Railroad support in the coming elections. 
We should like to see an authoritative denial of this disagreeable talk. We 
should feel a surer confidence in the doctrine of general depravity (as dis- 
tinguished from total) if we knew that, although embittered, naturally, by 
the defeat of his worthy ambition, this distinguished man had not stolen 
away from the bedside of his wounded honor to consort with political swine. 
In the canvass of 1882 Mr. Eatee, by reason of his personal character and 
stainless record, the unbroken sequence of his services to the interest of the 
people against the corporations, had from us such support as our humble 
abilities and influence enabled us to give him. His defeat is by some at- 
tributed to our favor (an explanation which appears to be lacking in the 
quality of kindness), by some to hostility of the menaced monopolies and by 
some to a grown distrust and matured suspicion of his party associates, on 
the part of the people. Whatever its cause, he, at least, has not been held 
responsible ; those who abandoned him did so with reluctance ; those who 
walked with him into the valley of the shadow abated nothing of their con- 
fidence and trust. But if Morris M. Estee has reached across the dead-line 
of an immemorial feud and clasped the dirty hand of Charles Crocker ; if he 
would prefer that in the approaching election his party should incur a dis- 
creditable success rather than achieve an honorable defeat ; if he wants to 
go to the United States Senate harder than he wants to go to Heaven, we 
have done with him. If he is not the author of that resolution we hope he 
will have the kindness to disclaim it. Should his conception of party loyalty 
forbid him to do so publicly, we engage that only from our future attitude 
toward him shall it be possible to infer the nature of whatever communica- 
tion on the subject he may esteem us worthy to receive. 



It is not to be supposed that a liar keeps a conscience, nor that a hired 
advocate is too tenderly concerned about possible results of his services to 
those who have not had the forethought to secure them ; yet one who is 
willing to do the devil's work for gain may sometimes be grateful for a pious 
pretext to shirk it. It can therefore do no harm to point out the injury 
that, by a faithful performance of their contract, such knaves may do to 
persons whom they have not been paid to hurt. These remarks have special 
reference to dishonest reportB of trials at law, in the newspapers. Taking 
the famous Colton case at Santa Rosa as a convenient illustration, and begging 
two of our esteemed contemporaries to assist in the pointing of our moral 
by acting as frightful examples, we proceed to elucidate. For some months 
this tiresome litigation has been dragging along before Judge Temple, who, 
as a rule, has kept himself awake with conscientious devotion to duty. The 
lawyers, too, generally speaking (they generally are speaking) have lied to 
the Court, and cheated one another in argument, and sophisticated the facts, 
with commendable fidelity to the interests they have in charge. During the 
whole time two San Francisco newspapers have persistently misreported the 
trial in opposite interests — the Chronicle in obedience to its general intent of 



blackmailing the Railroad, and the Alta because the Railroad owns it. To 
say that these two journals have persistently, selfishly and maliciously 
presented their readers with a daily falsification of the testimony and of 
counsels' arguments would be so inadequate a statement of their motives 
and practices that they might reasonably suspect us of a neighborly atten- 
tion, with an ultimate design of asking a small loan. Of course neither of 
these delectable sheets can affect the result of the trial ; the Judge has 
probably not had the happiness to see a line that they have published ; and, 
anyhow, so bad is the reputation of the Chronicle and so small the circula- 
tion of the Alia that the former can deceive only by telling the truth, while 
publication by the latter is a method of suppression. The harm they ac- 
complish is of another kind. It is evident that if the Daily Convicted Liar 
can persuade its readers that in any case on trial all the facts and the law 
are one way, and then the Judge decides the other way, His Honor will by 
that journal's dupes be held thereafter in lively disesteem as a fool or rogue. 
They will not read the grounds of his decision — they have no tooth for that 
kind of sweets — and the journal may heroically deny itself the gratification 
of editorial comment ; but the mischief is done and is irreparable. We ask 
judicial attention to this rascality in the hope that some judge who knows 
that he has already lost his chance of renomination may exert his legal 
power and chuck some of these hardy malefactors into jail, with a view to 
the healing of their manners. 



Precisely what advantage our politicans, editors and engineers promise 
themselves as the outcome of their infantile opposition to the Panama canal, 
we are unable to say. The crazy aud dishonest " American " project of a 
waterway through Nicaraugua is not only as dead as Queen Anne, but its 
chances of resuscitation are considerably less. Our people undertake noth- 
ing of that kind unless there is a "steal " in it ; in this the steal was so un- 
commonly large that, like the deck-load of an empty vessel, it capsized the 
scheme. The national rapacity, stimulated by the talk of hundreds of mill- 
ions, displayed a reach and scope of exaction beyond the dreams of its own 
ambition. Not an adult male in either public or private life (we state the 
matter with studious moderation) would lift a finger in aid of the enterprise 
unless propitiated with cold cash enough to break the back of a camel. 
After satisfying the President and his cabinet, both houses of Congress, the 
Supreme Court and the two political parties, the balance on hand of the 
appropriation originally asked for would have been insufficient for further 
division. Captain Eads's canal-on-wheels had a captivating idiocy about it 
that appealed powerfully to patriotic sentiment and roused the people to an 
active interest in it, that Mr. Barnum's white elephant eventually proved 
the stronger attraction, and that scheme too is now Bheeted for the grave. 
Having assisted at the failure of two projects of their own, our people nat- 
urally resent the success of one that is directed by foreign brains and exe- 
cuted by foreign capital. There is, we believe, no objection to our shrilling; 
the work is going on all right and will without doubt be completed within, 
or nearly within, the estimated time and expense despite officious reports of 
self-appointed experts, spread-eagle Monroeing of garrulous candidates and 
the dull scolding of dismal editors imperfectly acquainted with the difference 
between a canal and the binomial theorem. Two years ago they said it 
would never be begun ; now, that it will never be finished ; when finished, . 
— but we trust that before that time they will be, all dead and comfortably 
damned. 



Our health authorities are manifesting an apparently genuine interest 
in the matter of cholera. It is to be hoped that all departments of the 
municipal government will abate their bickering and evolve a sweet reason- 
ableness, working together without combustion for exclusion of what, if 
things be otherwise ordered, the newspapers will call " the unwelcome visit- 
ant," or " the black demon of the Ganges " — a possibility of which the con- 
templation is itself an affliction. In this business it is important to suppress 
the merry, merry quack — medical, literary or domestic. All sorts of kinds 
of "preventives" and "cures" maybe confidently expected. The news- 
papers will be horrible with sanitary nonsense — private theories of disinfec- 
tion, diet and the father of mischief knows what. You shall not extrude 
your head from a window but you will have a new and startling idiocy shot 
into your ear. Between the time of masticating a green cucumber and the 
time of its lodgment in your stomach some blockhead will bestow advice as 
to general habit. Let all this be discouraged, in order that gripy patients 
may disseminate their spores in peace and the late lamented utter them- 
selves along the channels of infection unvexed. Drainage ; cleanliness ; 
ventilation ; a customary diet ; ungentleness to cranks ; chloride of lime ; 
an intelligent eye upon the disposal of garbage and slops, and another on 
the wife, for the restraint of her murderous mind in dosing the children with 
something recommended by the fool next door ; a willingness to depart this 
life ; a daily destruction of patent medicines — the wife's investment ; a tough 
conscience, a hard heart and plenty of good wine — these are the preventives 
recommended by reason and approved by experience. If you die despite 
them try decomposition. 



THE WASP. 



P RATTLE. 



11 My brother," said the good parson, approaching the bedside of the dying 
politician, "do you believe inlmmanueU" The moribund statesman 
was affected with a dark disturbance of his immortal part : from the turmoil 
of the spirit was evolved a cloud of doubt. " What ticket ia he runnin' 
on?" inquired that simple soul. 

" There is a fountain tilled with blood." 
Sin» 



A man appeared before the county Board of Equalization the other day, 
demanding a reduction of the assessment of $2,500 on his house, which he 
admitted cost him last year §4,500 to build, and which was insured for that 
sum. Under the law it is the Assessor's duty to assess all property at its 
actual cash value. The reduction was denied, and it is feared the desperate 
man will take summary vengeance on the austere official who has wronged 
him. If so, let a monument be erected to the memory of that faithful pub- 
lic servant, that American youth may be encouraged to grow up and perform 
fifty-five per cent, of their sworn duty, like Mr. Holtz. 



" No," said Lieutenant Greely, as Secretary Chandler advanced upon him 
with open arms, " I don't mind an ice-nip, nor the cordial embrace of a polar 
bear, but this, I believe, is not one of the discomforts that I undertook to 
face." Then, observing the look of pain that was saddening the great man's 
visage, he added, with a winning smile : " Would you like to see me eat a 
pair of sealskin boots 7 " 



' I did not seek this honor, 'pon my word," 

Says Logan, "lest my bidding might divide you." 
No, you did not ; but heav'n and earth you stirred, 
To seize the greater one that we denied you. 

When candidates for "unsought " honors strive, 
From all suspicion if they'd have us free 'em, 

The tooth aad nail with which they did not strive 
They should pull out and show in some museum. 



Speaking of Mr. H. H. Bancroft's last volume, the lickspittle critic of 
the Bulletin draws the flat of his lithe tongue across another rich deposit of 
the great literary impostor's salivary riddance, and duly edified by the taste, 
utters his hired judgment as follows : 

This volume is marked by the same enormous industry and collection of material 
as are those preceding. 

The circumstance that Mr. Bancroft was running about in Mexico dur- 
ing the whole time of its preparation does not appear seriously to have in- 
terrupted the " enormous industry " of the literary Toms, Dicks and Harrys 
out of whose skulls this lying tradesman drinks the sweet wine of a fool's 
praise. 



Ex-Secretary Boutwell, the littlest leech that ever formed a serious at- 
tachment to the United States treasury, has written a book entitled, Why I 
Am a Republican. He is unduly sensitive : the Republican party has long 
ceased to require rogues and blockheads to justify their membership. All 
are welcome — even Democrats, if penitent. 



I should like to say to Mr. Hornblower, counsel for the murderer 
Hutchings, that "the pernicious doctrines of Ingersoll" do not anywhere 
teach that in the defense of rogues known to be guilty it is honorable to lie 
and cheat. It is true the expounder of the Ingersoll faith habitually does 
these things, whereby justice may be defeated and himself enriched, quite 
the same as Mr. Hornblower and all other lawyers do ; but the " doctrines " 
(by which Mr. Hornblower can mean nothing but the spirit of Colonel Inger- 
soll's anti-biblical teaching) do not command, and do forbid, the practice of 
untruth. Their morality is therefore superior to that of Mr. Hornblower, 
and if they are pernicious he is pernicious. Having proved his pernicious- 
ne3s, I leave him ; the task of showing a lawyer that perniciousness involves 
any moral delinquency is one that I do not care to undertake. 



Judge Belford of Colorado may justly boast himself the hardiest prophet 
who has challenged the future since the opening of the campaign. This in- 
spired simpleton, his lips touched with a live coal from the Republican altar, 
declares that the election of Blaine and Logan " is as certain a fact as that 
God loves virtue and manliness." God will please observe that if He permit 
the defeat of these candidates He will expose His character to grave suspi- 
cion on the part of Judge Belford. 



The illustrious Dr. O'Donnell is competing in the East with our local 
newspapers in disseminating that awful disease, the fear of leprosy. It is 
observed that he is bitterly abused, however, by his rivals in the business, 
which declare that he has no lepers ; whereas each of them is known to have 



an editor and an owner. Herein the newspaper hath upon the medico that 
manner and degree of advantage which they who utter themselves coarsely 
the pull." 



caU ' 



If the patient please, we will name the subjoined rhyme "The Two 
Metaphors : a Dramatical Emprise for Their Extinction." 

Pool: 
O I am " the filthy Pool 

Of politics "—great is the jam 
To dabble in me. I'm a fool 
If I know where the devil I am I 

Pot: 
I'm " the political Pot," 

And I'm boiling fiercely again ; 
But what is inside me I've not 

Been able to ascertain. 

Pool: 
All writers regard me as very sublime. 
Pot: 
To my charms they also succumb. 
Chorus of Readers : 
May they all be drowned in that feculent slime, 
And boiled in that walloping scum! 



Judge Field has protruded his eyeless, mouldy and horrible head from 
his political tomb, stirred with some difficulty his shrunken tongue and ex- 
pressed his confidence in Cleveland's election. Peace, peace, thou melan- 
choly remain ; why shouldst thou wish to be heard ? Is it not enough that 
thou art smelled ? 



The Chinatown at Bakersfield 

Was blazing bright and high ; 
The flames to water would not yield, 

Though torrents drenched the sky 
And drowned the ground for miles around — 

The houses were so dry. 

Then rose an aged preacher man 

Whom all did much admire, 
Who said : " To force on you my plan 

Of fighting flames I tire, 
But streams, it seems, might quench these beams 

If turned upon the fire." 

The fireman said : " This hoary wight 

His folly dares to thrust 
On us I 'Twere well he felt our might — 

Nay he shall feel our must." 
With jet of wet and small regret 

They laid that old man's dust. 



Sunday, says the Folsom Telegraph, is devoted to athletic sports at the 
penitentiary there — quoiting, running, leaping and similar acts of worship. 
It is clear at last why John McComb was selected as Warden : as a distin- 
guished and zealous member of the Olympic Club, he is conspicuously fitted 
to be master of these revels, instructing the nimble felon by precept and 
firing him by example : though his qualifications would be more apparent if 
the exercises included sitting, and the institution under his charge more 
truly reformatory if the contagion of his example affected only the muscles 
of his stripy pupils, and their morals were inaccessible to it. 

Among the multitude of "important factors" in the "political prob- 
lem " which next November has kindly undertaken to " Bolve " for each man 
according to his declared sympathies, the personal preference of Mr. E. J. 
Baldwin of this city should not be lightly overlooked. This eminent states- 
man and patriot, who can trace the illustrious line of his public services 
backward to a livery stable and forward to the penitentiary, has thought- 
fully "defined his position " and uttered the appropriate prophecy of success. 
For President, Mr. Baldwin favors Jay-Eye-See, and for Vice-President 
Maud S. When it was pointed out to him that the latter was imperfectly 
sexed for that office, he explained that it had once been held by Schuyler 
Colfax, who was a Daughter of Rebecca. Mr. Baldwin's preference for .Tay- 
Eye-See is apparently based upon his reverence for the Monroe doctrine, 
which he understands to be that no horse's time shall be a matter of official 
record unless there is money on the race. It is with deep regret that I 
differ in political opinion from one whose views on public questions are so 
happily blended with the practice of his private virtues that when in his 
presence it is difficult to determine whether one is being charmed with a 
discourse on constitutional government or instructed with a cock-fight in a 
rat-pit ; nevertheless, I hold, as heretofore, that Marcus D. Boruck would 
make a better President in some respects than any horse on the American 
turf. 



6 



THE WASP. 



BUZZINGS, 



How will the Democratic party repeat, next September, its action at 
the convention ? 

It will give up the Field. 



" O Poll ! say that you are a Democrat 
And I will give you a nice cracker." 
" Get out ! get out ! go home you little Pat 
And ask your ma if she will mend your hat, 
All know that I'm a true Grreenbacker." 

N. B. — This parrot waB evidently a pollytician. 



Puff ! puff ! puff ! This is what Cleveland does from morning till night. 
This one word describes the man. His eyes gleam at you from cushions of 
puff; his nose is tanked by precipices of the same ; his stomach looks as if 
a young planet were forming in it. The more I look at Cleveland's picture 
the more I say of it, " What a front ! what a front ! " It would make an 
excellent base drum for a Democratic parade. Ah ! Eepublican though I 
am, I have been " puffing " Cleveland ! 



A rural individual, seeking an interview with Colonel Jackson, enters 
the sanctum of the Evening Post and takes a seat. Seeing a toothpick near 
by, he proceeds to pick his teeth, whereupon the toothpick commences kick- 
ing and struggling so energetically that the granger, in blank astonishment, 
lets it drop to the floor. 

' ' Incomparable rudeness ! — insolent fellow ! — how dare you ? Why ! who 
and what are you, anyway? " exclaims the horrified r. i., opening his mouth 
as wide as a hungry clam. 

" Who am I ? who am I ? " the toothpick mockingly replies, with a sneer 
from top to bottom." " Unenlightened idiot ! not to know John P. Jack- 
son, sole proprietor of the Evening Post." 

The rural individual, without waiting to mention the object of his visit, 
jumps out of the sanctum and over the office-counter as quickly as possible, 
for fear the indignant toothpick, which is darting around rather violently, 
may plunge into his eye. 

hoolehan's wake. 

" Is it the health ye're askin' for ? If O'ive any left afther toastin' it 
away all night at Hoolehan's wake O'im lucky. 

'.' The widdy tuk Hoolehan's death very much to heart an' kept bellowin' 
an' screechin' louder than Mickarty's prize pig at Balleyvarney fair, from 
mornin' till night. We detarmined to quiet her some way, an' Mike Mc- 
GinniBS goes up to her and sez he, ' Don't mind, Winny — excuse me, I 
mane Mrs. Hoolehan — but don't fret afther Dinnis any more, for whin the 
twelve months is over O'ill marry yiz mesilf.' 

" Oh, the purty craythur, but how she changed all av a suddint ! She 
had a loife-soize picther av Hoolehan down to the showlder, weepin' over it, 
but risin' and droppin' it from her lap onto the sofy, she wiped her eyes wid 
the corner av her apron, an' sez she, ( Will ye have hot wather in yure 
whisky, Misther McGinniss, or take it in its nachural state V 

" Misther McGinniss preferred havin' the hot wather, an' while Mrs. 
Hoolehan was in the kitchen' gettin' it we med arrangemints to keep her in 
good humor, for her carryins on before tuk all the life and spirit out av us. 

" The flure was cleared, an' by the time she kem back we were ready for 
a brake-down, but Winny clapped the punch on the table and threw up her 
hands in holy horror. 

" ' Meelya murther ! ' sez she ; ' is this the way ye riverince the mimory 
av me poor dead husband ? ' 

" Och ! we all thought she was goin' to bawl out agin, whin Mike Mc- 
Ginni-s whispered a few words in her ear and pinched her on the arrum, 
an' afther takin' her into the dinin'-room an' givin' her some blarney she 
kem out willin' an' smilin'. So we sint little Jimmy Roach off for the 
fiddle. He's always up to some plaguey thrick. It tuk him so loDg that we 
all wint to supper. He didn't go away, but watched us outside the windy, 
an' whin we wint to supper he stole in an' got under the same shate with the 
corpse. We thought it was one av Jimmy's ould thricks to fool us out av 
our dance, an' we detarmined not to let him have the best av us, so Mc- 
Ginniss an' meself got upon the flure an' oomminced dancin' away while all 
the min prisint kept whistlin' ' The wind that shakes the barley,' whin, be- 
hold you I the shate begun risin' an' kipt risin' higher an' higher till Dinny, 
as we thought, sat bolt upright under it, an' in a voice ixactly like his own, 
said, as mad as could be, ' How dare yiz insult my mimory ? How dare 
yiz ?' 

" What did we do ? Well, Oi've a faint remimbrance av McGinniss's hair 
standin' on ind, his eyes startin' from their sockets and his mouth big enough 
to jump down into, but beyant that an' Mrs. Hoolehan hollerin' out, ' In- 
dade, Dinnis, McGinniss won't have me, an' I won't marry any one but you,' 
we all stood like statues, an' not wan av us had the courage to move till the 
wind blew open the dure an' put out the light. 

" Thin was the scramblin' an' shufflin'. Jimmy, av coorse, jumped down 
and grabbed fust wan an' thin another, an' bein' a verystrong bye, his 
pinches were no small matter. 

" Now, O'im a very gallant man to the leddies, an' always willin to sacri- 
fice meself for their purty sakes whin any nachural danger presints itself, 
but whin it comes to the supernachural Oi till ye what, me bye, I look out 
for my own skin. 

" What was the ind av it? Well, the ind for me was this : Whin the 
light was put out, an' Oi, like all the rest, thought Dinnis was at me heels, 
I put for home wid a spade which ud shame the aigles av the air. Me fate 
hardly seemed to touch the ground as Oi wint over cobblestones an' ditches 
more loike a bird than a man. Two pelicemen gev chase to me an' fired two 
shots at me, but thay couldn't catch up. Me sowl was bint on runnin', an', 
to tell the truth, Oi don't belave Oi could av stopped if Oi'd tried. Oi ought 
to mintion here that Oi had on white corduroy breeches, an' as Oi tuk aff me 
coat before beginnin' to dance wid McGinniss, Oi presinted quite a quare 



spectacle. To giv ye an instance av the flight wid which Oi flew, let me tell 
ye that the San Jose freight train was comin' in, an' me path for two blocks 
lay alongside av the track, but Oi kept pace with the ingine all along, an' 
from the pale, scared face av the engineer, I think he must have tuk me for 
a ghost mesilf." Bumble Bee. 

SOME PREACHER CHAPS. 



Last Sunday was a field day for the parsons. They felt good ; their 
hearts held high jubilee and their souls soared joyous through breezy alti- 
tudes of serene bosh. They projected themselves along lines of spiritual 
flight, whither the eye of faith alone could follow ; then tumbled downlong 
with breathless abruption and lit on their feet every time. We know not 
what it was that caused their elation and the levity of their immortal parts ; 
their ways are not as men's ways, and it is blasphemy and the seven un- 
pardonable sins to inquire into the sacred mystery of their moods. The 
facts are as we have stated them : the parsons felt good — that is all that the 
sinful understanding is permitted to know, and that we know only through 
observation of their intellectual gamboling ; for it is by cutting capers and 
the execution of monkey-shines that the good clergy disclose their emotions. 
These are the outward and visible signs of their inward ebullition. 

Distinguished among these sportsmen was the Rev. Charles H. Fowler, 
Resident Bishop in this city, of the Methody Church. We cannot give him 
much space, but among the more notable of his givings forth was the fol- 
lowing : 

I am a firm believer in the dignity and authority of human reason when acting in 
its own appropriate sphere. Were I to-day in a desert, bereft of my Bible and my 
Christ, I would fashion for myself a deity, would endow him with my ideal of all that 
is grand — a perfect perception, well poised judgment, intellect, kindness — and would 
place him on a throne before which I would prostrate myself and worship him. These 
are the strongest words I feel that I can utter in favor of human reason keen-cut, 
sharp and intellectual. 

Then, my hearty, you would do well to give it up and go into some kind 
of business. If you can say nothing better for human reason than that it is 
a lively imagination, even the pulpit — which Heaven knows has little 
enough use for it — could afford to bid you a long farewell. Let us suppose 
that in your desert you have created your God and calloused your knees 
awhile in His worship. Having conducted these religious services in a 
manner to win your own applause, and being ambitious withal, you then 
" fashion for yourself " a call to another and richer church — say that at 
Jackass Gap, this state. But how are you to get there ? Easiest thing in 
the world— like the famous German philosopher, you evolve a camel out of 
your inner consciousness and ride it gaily forth. 

What ! you could not create a camel? and could create a camel's Creator? 
You could only conceive an ideal camel ? and your ideal God is not a con- 
ception, but a real being, with virtues and powers worthy of worship ? Sir, 
you are a fool : you tear away the foundation of your own fortune ; you 
discredit the means by which you live ; you reverse the doctrine of Crea- 
tion, showing that the Deity whom you would have us worship is not Creator 
but creature. For if you could evolve a God whom you deem worthy of 
worship, it is highly probable that the God whom you do worship was evolved 
by other men. Come, tell us — Has He, or has He not, an existence apart 
from the human imagination, or reason, as you are pleased to misname it ? 
If you believe it are you not a blockhead to make others doubt it, showing 
how every man may be his own Godmaker by a process strictly identical 
with the one in which disbelievers affirm that they see the key to this whole 
business of religion ? Now get you to your prayer cushion, my beautiful — 
and no back talk. 

Enter the Rev. C. D. Barrows, smiling. This person has for many 
months been in the thrifty habit of sending synopses of hia Sunday sermons 
to the Monday newspapers. Doubtless he will tell you that he is bidden by 
the Master to spread the Gospel, and that is his way of reaching the sinners 
who do not attend church. This is profitable zeal : it makes him ' ' promi- 
nent " ; it gives the thoughtless a notion that he is a great man, and he has 
come to think so himself. Not only are his sermons good naturedly printed 
in the secular journals, but he gets all his movements recorded in the same 
way — "sends in " little notes of them, not too long for publication but long 
enough to tickle his vanity and serve his interest. 

It is not surprising that with the gratitude so admirably described by 
Rochefoucault this forehanded child of light should preach upon " The Press 
and Other Literature," nor that he should, as he did, play sycophant to 
journalism and journalists in a manner that a Talmage would have blushed 
to be caught at. Albeit, he knows nothing of journalism and nothing of 
literature. 

He is a prudent man. He knows the newspapers have made him, 
and can unmake him. What he does not know is this — that every journalist 
in town knows him ; knows why he preached that sermon ; knows that jour- 
nalism is nothing so good as he says, and knows that Dr. Barrows knows it 
is not when he says it is. Newspaper men are not the wisest men in the 
world but they are among the sharpest ; there is no trick to gain their favor 
but they are familiar with, and when a man flatters himself that he has 
hit upon a new and ingenious one he errs — it is as old as the hills, and 
sooner or later (for the newspaper folks are a malicious lot) he will have 
reason to regret that he tried it. The editors who obligingly printed Dr. 
Barrows's absurd flattery of them and their profession will trip him up some 
day. 

It is the opinion of the Rev. T. K. Noble that a woman ought to know 
how to make bread. This view has been advanced before ; if Mr. Noble 
will confine his intellectual activity to its dissemination he will not need to 
discourse of God, nor we of him. Three of us will feel better. 



Henry Ward Beecher says that Mr. Blaine "is not good enough for him." 
Now I should like to hear Mr. Blaine's estimate of the Plymouth divine's 
' ' goodness. " — Bambler. 

A number of Pennsylvania speculators, having a taste for high art, have 
been done in oil. 



THE WASP. 



THE BALLAD OF THE BABY. 



Bald of head and red in the face, 
I'm only a baby, weak and small ; 

A bundle of flannel and bib and lace ; 
But don't, I beg, into error fall, 
For there's not a thing on this earthly ball, 

Or big or little, or old or new, 
That holds the world in completer thrall ; 

Come, list to the deeds that I can do. 

I can shriek a shriek to rend all space, 
Can choke myself with my broidered shawl ; 

Can Bend my nurse on a frantic chase 
For pins that never were there at alL 
I can make my pa, so brave and tall, 

Say curious words, just one or two, 

As he walks the floor to hush my squall j 

Come, list to the deeds that I can do. 

I can coo and coo with tender grace, 

And bring my subjects at beck and call, 
With cunning smile and a soft embrace, 

While into mischief I straightway crawl ; 

My mamma's anger I can forestall, 
I can patty-cake and can peek-a-boo, 

I can charm, enslave, delude, appall ; 
Come, list to the deeds that I can do. 

Envoy. 
With my tiny hands I can build life's wall 

As true and strong as the skies are blue ; 
I am the monarch of hut and hall ; 

Come, list to the deeds that I can do. 



-Carlotta Perry. 



A WOMAN'S JOURNAL. 



LIV. 



Thursday, July 31st. 
Every one has bis say about thiB Hutchings murder trial, whose wind- 
ings seem to prove that the proverbial law's delay is so much an appendage 
of the law that when there comes, once in a hundred years, an opportunity 
to transact a trial without dawdling, everybody hangs back and invents ob- 
stacles for prolonging proceedings. Young Mr. Mitchell, who has been 
married but a year, was trying to explain how ridiculous it would be to 
bring forward the insanity plea in the case of Hutchings. " The man's not 
insane," he cried wildly ; " the deed was committed in cold blood. Now, 
if I were to strangle my wife there's not a jury in the United States that 
would convict me." The poor fellow was going to add, " because such an 
act on my part would be the highest evidence of insanity," but just the way 
he said it was too suggestive to everybody of the very opposite construction, 
and young Mr. Mitchell's further utterances were hopelessly extinguished 
by roars of laughter. 

Friday, August 1st. 
My friend Phoebe scribbles occasionally, and I watch the doughty deeds 
of her gray goose-quill with sisterly interest. The other day I ventured to 
say to her, " Phoebe, why do you translate so much 1 Why don't you work 
your imagination more and give us something original 1 " The young wo- 
man sapiently observed that if a translation was rejected by an editor the 
unabashed contributor was able to say, " Oh, very well, if he has not the 
sense to appreciate what was good enough for the Revue des deux Mondcs or 
Ueber Land und Meer it is his peculiar loss." On the other hand, if a trans- 
lation is accepted the modest contributor says, ' ' That was rather a stupid 
little story of About's, but I was able to put some salt into it as I translated. " 
A rejected original contribution is pain and grief, pure and simple. No 
precedent judgment stamps it with approval. Of accepted original contri- 
butions there is nothing to say. There are none. 

Saturday, 2d. 
Frank, studying diligently over the advertised list of singers in the 
opera troupe at the California Theater, found some of them defined as 
tenors and sopranos and some as " comprimarias." 

" It means they're compromised, I guess," he said in a worldly, off-hand 
manner, " but I don't think it's fair to print it about them when nothing 
was said about Patti and Langtry. " 

Sunday, 3d. 

On a ses jours — those golden days 

That come unsought on life's highways, 

Unheralded, yet bringing all 

We dreamed or longed for, great or small — 

Love, luck and letters, balm and bays. 

No matter what the cynic says, 
Nor how the trusted hope betrays ; 
Missed in the spring, then in the fall 
On a ses jours. 

Time sweeps along, remembrance stays, 
Oh ! memories of Junes and Mays, 
I hear your spirit voices call 
Down avenues of pine trees tall 

" Cn a ses jours." 

Monday, 4th. 
I am credibly informed that on a certain day Crit Thornton, being in a 
dentist's parlors, did then and there, with malice aforethought, burst into 
song and deliberately sang " Spirto gentil " from end to end, when a gentle- 
man, swathed in an oilcloth apron and with a sheet of rubber and silver 
clamps making his utterance inarticulate, rushed from the next room cry- 



ing : " Doctor ! doctor ! I did not come here to have my teeth and my ears 
operated upon at the same time." 

Tuesday, 5th. 

From twelve to one. It is the hour, 

The children from the school-house pour, 

Laughing and chattering — oh yes, 

It is the hour they call recess. 

And now she comes — the crown, the flower. 

He stands at gaze and lacks the power 
To turn— do anything but glower 
Upon her pretty face and dress 

From twelve to one. 

If that sweet face is all her dower, 
If he pays court in golden shower, 
Fair Danae, could I impress 
Your fond papa with what I guess, 
He'd put you in a brazen tower 

From twelve to one. 

Jael Dence. 



HE WANTED A BIRD. 



Colonel Clockwell is very proud of his little son, and never loses an op- 
portunity to exhibit his precocity. Several nights ago the Colonel had com- 
pany. George, the bright youngster, entered the room. 

11 Don't you see the ladies and gentlemen, George?" 

"Yes." 

" WeU, why don't you speak ? " 

" 'Cause I don't want to." 

" You must not talk that way. What have you learned at the kinder- 
garten 1 " 

" Ain't learned nothin'." 

11 Oh, yes, you have. Who is the President of the United States ? " 

" Arthur." 

" That's right." 

" Say," said the boy, looking up with an air of sudden interest, "I want 
you to get me a bird." 

" What do you want with a bird ? " 

" Ride on it." 

" You can't ride on a bird, son. You are too heavy." 

" No, I ain't, 'cause mamma said you went on a lark." 
The examination was brought to a precipitous close. — N. Y. Star. 

FAST TIME, 



We were going west on the Great Western Division of the Grand Trunk 
and the night was chilly. 

"Hi! porter," said the commercial man in the bunk overhead ; "can't 
you give us another blanket 1 It's deuced cold to-night." 

" Ain't got another blanket, boss." 

" Well, just see what you can do for a fellow," said the c. m,, putting his 
hand out through the curtains with a quarter in it. 

" Dunno, boss, but I'll do what I kin." 
There was scarcely a perceptible pause in the porter's measured tread as 
he passed our section fifteen minutes later, but the curtains parted and a 
blanket went through the opening as if it had been shot out of a cannon. 

" Thought I felt somebody carrying off part of my bedclothes last night," 
said a passenger in the further end of the car, as he worked himself into his 
boots in the morning. 

" Dunno, boss ; went mighty fas' las' night, making up time ; probably 
run from under 'um." — Detroit Free Press. 



SWEARING AFTER A PRAYER, 



An elderly lady with delicate features and refined manners entered the 
custom house with timid steps. She seemed bewildered by the whirl, bustle 
and clatter. The doorkeeper directed her to the desk where she could trans- 
act her business. 

" You'll have to swear to this, madam," said the deputy collector to the 
old lady. Her pious countenance became very thoughtful and troubled. 
She said nothing, but anxiously watched the deputy collector make out her 
papers. This done he said : 

" Do you swear to this, madam ? " 
The old lady had clearly made up her mind that it was necessary, with 
a sweet but hesitating voice, she replied : 

" God have mercy on me — Damn it ! " — N. Y. World. 

WHAT THE BAD BOY GOT, 



" Once upon a time," began the teacher, "two brothers started to Sun- 
day school on Sabbath morning. Their way led past a fine orchard, where 
the trees were hanging over with ripe, luscious peaches. One of the brothers 
proposed going into the orchard and getting some fruit, but the other sped 
away, leaving his companion greedily devouring the peaches. Now it hap- 
pened the owner of the orchard saw them, and rewarded the good boy, who 
refused to steal his peaches, by giving him 50 cents. He got a prize for his 
honesty, and what do you suppose the other boy got for his dishonesty ? " 

" He got the peaches ! " yelled every member of the class. 

BUSINESS YS, PLEASURE* 



Young Dr. Medica is a practical sort of a fellow, but at the same time 

quite a ladies' man. Not long since he took his girl to an icecreamatory, 

and they luxuriated in a dish apiece. 

" Have another 1 " said the doctor, when the spoons began to rattle on the 

bottom of the plates. 

" No, I'm ever so much obliged, but too much coldness is not good." 

" That's nothing. Go ahead and eat. I'm a doctor, and I'll give you a 

prescription that will make you all right, and it shan't cost you a cent." 



THE ^ 




HERE WE ! 



SP. 



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E AGAIN. 



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THE WASP. 



IN THE GARDEN. 



I knock upon her gate, 
My love comes, fair and gay, 
' Of fragrant blossoms there 
Come bind me a bouquet. 

1 The dainty yellow jonquils 
With purple lilacs meet, 
Blue violets, and tulips, 
And jasmine strongly sweet. 

1 Pluck all except the roses, 
My reason's good, I'll take 
That which thy cheek exposes, 
The one thy red lips make." 

— Translated from the German by E. F. Dawson. 



CREriT NOT GOOD, 



" I suppose," remarked the tramp, as he helped himself to a pickle at the 
lunch-table; "I suppose if President Arthur came in here and said, 
1 Johnny, let's have a glass of beer and hang it on the slate, like a good fel- 
low,' you would let him have the stuff, wouldn't you 1 " 

" Of course I would," replied the bar-keeper, with a wide smile. " Why 
wouldn't 1 1 " 

" And yet President Arthur is nearly two thousand million dollars in 
debt," continued the tramp ; " at least the Government is, and you would 
have to wait until that was paid before you could get your nickel." 
" Is that so ? " asked the bar-keeper, rather staggered by the figures. 
" You bet ! And I suppose if Queen Victoria walked in and said, * Ho, 
Johnny, let's us 'ave a glass o' 'arf-an'-arf, hand Hi'll tell me Lud o' the 
Buttonbag to settle when 'e gets the spuds,' you'd spunk the wine up with 
your own fair hand, wouldn't you ? " 

11 1 surely would," returned the bar-keeper. 

" And yet Queen Victoria is in debt nearly three thousand million, or her 
Government is, and you would get that five cents about the middle of the 
next century." 

" As much as that? " demanded the barkeeper, in astonishment. 
"Then the Emperor of Germany, if he should alight from his special 
horse-car in front of your door and say, ' Mein Gott, Chonny, give me a 
echoppen of schnapps, und I viU bay for dot when I sold mein dog,' you 
wouldn't hesitate a moment, would you ? " 

lt I suppose not," said the bar-keeper, rather startled by the information 
concerning the other potentates. 

"And yet the same Emperor is in debt over one hundred and ten 
million," continued the tramp, solemnly. 

(< I don't believe it ! " exclaimed the bar-keeper. 

" It's a fact," persisted the tramp ; " and the Czar of Russia, suppose he 
should come limping in with some friends and say, ' Hi, Johnovitch, put the 
monjik on ice and let the bill stand over till Christovitchmas,' you wouldn't 
wait to come around from behind, but would waltz right over the bar, 
wouldn't you? " 

" I don't know," replied the bar-keeper, cautiously. 
" He owes^two thousand millions," answered the tramp. 
" Do them people owe it for bar bills ? " inquired the bar-keeper, with a 
shudder. 

" Most of it," responded the tramp ; " but I don't owe any man on earth 
a cent, and yet I don't suppose you would trust me for a glass of beer to save 
my life, would you ? " 

" No, sir ! " shouted the bar-keeper ; " I wouldn't trust you for another 
free pickle. We liquor dealers are already out seven thousand millions on 
the crowned heads, and I ain't going to give five cents more on a man that 
hasn't got even a brim to his hat. Put that pickle back in the bowl or I'll 
stop up the rat holes with you ! " 

And the tramp went off to work the racket somewhere else, while the 
bar-keeper figured up his share of the losses on the crowned heads and tacked 
something to the bills of his knowing to the paying debtorB. 



ASSISTED WIT, 



Assisted by the Scissors from the Columns of Oar Contemporaries Into Onrs. 



THE PUNSTER GOES BUGGY-HIDING. 

" Suppose," he said, in accents soft, 
" A felloe just like me 
Should axle little girl to wed — 
What would the answer be ? " 

The maiden drops her liquid eyes — 
Her smiles with blushts mingle — 
" Why seek the bridal halter when 
You may live on, sur, cingle ? " 

And then he spoke : " Oh, be my bride, 
, I ask you once again ; 

You are the empress of my heart, 
And there shall ever rein ! 

" I'll never tire of kindly deeds 
To win your gentle heart, 
And saddle be the shaft that rends 
Our happy lives apart ! " 

Upon her cheeks the maiden felt 
The mantling blushes glow — 

She took him for her faithful hub, 
To share his wheel or whoa ! 



thing?" queried Mr. Wigelesworth, facetiously, aB the door closed. " Why 
not 1 " returned his wife, for once coming to time ; "she is a Biddy." And 
Mr. Wiggles worth said " H'm ! " and went out to see if his sweet peas were 
coming up, and found that with the assistance of the neighbors' hens they 
were. 



Would it be out of place to remark that the habitual drunkard is a 
saloonatic. 



An Inn Dependent— The hotel waiter. A Parental Plant— The poppy. 

The sting of a bee always carries stern conviction with it. It makes a 
man a bee-leaver almost instantly. 

It seems to be a historical fact that the Kilkenny cats played at cross 
purr — pusses. 

Scores of young wives, who can't tot up the butcher's bill at home, can 
" figure " like anything in society. 

In the midst of life we are in debt. 



A young lady named Miriam Fullstop was married in Baltimore last 
week. She must have been a girl of the period. 



( Let us rest awhile," she softly said, 
Drooping her curly, old-gold head, 
To the lover bold, whose eager eyes 
Looked up in hers with glad surprise, 
As within the shadows of the wood, 
Green and o'ershadowing, they stood, 
While near the sound of voices rang 
Through leafy aisles with merry clang. 
So, 'neath the maple's ample shade, 
Where shafts of sunlight softly played, 
They sat and talked as lovers do 
When life is young and love is new. 
But suddenly his face grows grim 
With agony, his eye-balls swim ; 
No longer can her sweetest smile 
His lips to speak of love beguile. 
A tear comes in his bright blue eye 
And he heaveth thickly sigh on sigh — 
He is sitting on a custard pie ! 



Flirting on pleasure yachts is a marry-time custom. 

Man-Out- of-the-Boat : I say — you, there — throw me that rope — I'm 
sinking — quick — now. 

■ Tramp : Yes, an' after I t'rowed de rope to yer, its jus' like enough 
you'd want me to haul you in. 



A DYNAMITE COMBAT. 



" It is an ill wind that blows nobody good;" and dynamite explosions 
have been utilized by ingenious advertisers, according to a story going the 
round of the Continental press : Captain Crakson and Engineer Metrokins 
were to fight a duel. The latter having the choice of arms, decided on a 
dynamite combat. At the set hour the combatants arrived, each carrying 
five cartridges ; the seconds mounted on the highest trees, and the duel 
commenced. The two first cartridges were without effect ; at the third there 
was a fearful explosion. The seconds fell from their lofty perches and found 
Captain Crakson literally torn to pieces. Metrokins had altogether disap- 
peared. Only the boots of the adversaries were found, which on examina- 
tion were found to come from the well-known shoe shop of Messrs. X. & Co. 
In France they call this a piece of "American puffiam." 



THE COLORED WAITER. 



He never confesses to ignorance. A gentleman visiting Florida took his 
seat at the hotel table and called for a " plain omelet." 

"A what, sah?" inquired the Ethiop who attended him, obsequiously 
bending his ear. 

" I said a plain omelet," returned the guest. 

" Oh, yes, sah," said the serving man. "I see, sah ; berry sorry, sah, 
but, sah " — this in a tone of deep contempt at the Northern man's igno- 
rance — " dem fruit am not in de season at dis time of the y'ar, sah." 



" Bridget," said Mrs. Wigglesworth to the new kitchen lady from Messina, 
: you may lay the table." " Is thy servant a hen that she should do this 



" I would like to ask you to take some ice-cream, dear,' 1 he said, looking 
hesitatingly in the windows of a saloon, "but I am afraid to," and he made 
an attempt to forge ahead. 

" Why is that, George?" she asked, holding him back with both hands. 

lt Why, over 150 people were poisoned from a single freezer." 

t( It must have been terrible. Still, George, dear, there is a possibility of 
our escaping with our lives, and if we do die " — here the heroic girl gave 
him a look of love unutterable — " we will die together." 



At a hotel recently a man and wife of Milesian extraction took seats at 
the dinner table. Directly afterwards a young couple seated themselves 
opposite, and the young man took a stalk of celery from the glass in the 
center of the table and commenced eating it. The Irish woman opposite 
looked at him a moment with an air of disgust, and then nudged her husband 
and said in a stage whisper, "Phelim, dear, d'ye mind the blackguard 
eatin' the bokay 1 " 

I am positive that the art of photography is upon the eve of a grand 
stride toward perfection. Those who have never seen anything on the eve 
of a grand stride will find little of interest in what I am about to say ; but 
the day is not far distant when no sane man will have his photograph 
pulled without the administration of an ana3sthetic. — Bill Nye. 



THE WASP. 



11 



THE "WASP'S" NOTE-BOOK, 



Literary crookedness : In Short Studies of American Authors, page 17, 
Colonel Thomas Wentworth Higginson makes a statement as highly colored as 
the regiment he commanded in the war. He says : " But in comparing Poe 
with Hawthorne, we see that the genius of the latter has hands and feet as 
well as wings, so that all his work is as solid as masonry, while Poe's is broken 
and disfigured by all sorts of inequalities and imitations, he not disdaining, 
for want of true integrity, to disguise and falsify, to claim knowledge that 
he did not possess, to invent quotations and references. I remember the 
chagrin with which I looked through Tieck, in my student days, to find the 
Journey into the Blue Distance, to which Poe refers in the Bouse of Usher, 
and how one of the poet's intimates laughed me to scorn for being deceived 
by any of Poe's citations, saying that he hardly knew a word of German." 
In Tieck's collected tales, published by George Reimer, in Berlin, in 1853, 
can be found lias Alte Buch und die Reise ins Blaue hinein. This is not only 
the name given by Poe, but the following passage shows the character of the 
story would especially please him. Athelstan and Fritz wander through the 
blue distance of Fairyland, the purple mountains of Romance : " Athelstan 
or Oberon afterward met the great Dante. Petrarch, Boccaccio and Ariosto 
also told later of a singular man whom they had greeted and embraced. In 
the solitude of Warwickshire, in the lovely woods, Athelstan greeted many 
youths, at lea&t embraced that William whom our new poetry leans upon and 
borrows from. He had already recognized Chaucer, as well as the charming 
Spencer, and as he roved through England, Italy and Spain to greet Cerv- 
antes, Camoens, Lope de Vega and Calderon, he seemed to long forget our 
Germany. The singer of the Messiah tells of a strange old man who pressed 
his hand and then lifted a warning finger. Our Schiller thought such Billy 
personages unnecessary when one's own power sufficed to evolve something 
great, but though he disowned Oberon, he had still known him well and had 
passed confidential hours with him." Colonel Higginson : 

" A hawk flew down und der fish dook in, 

(It vas beddher mine friends, you don'd feel too big !) 

Und der hawk he dick not der shmardest vin 

Ven he shtuck his claws in dot fish's skin, 
(Id vas beddher, mine friends, you don'd feel too big !) " 



The Tasmania Mail says: "The Salvation Army announced that at 
their meeting on Monday there would be shown ' a boy with hair like 
heaven.' This was sufficient to attract an immense crowd, and after they 
had remained on the qui rive two hours, the ' feature ' was at length ex- 
hibited. The surmises that the lad would be a lily white youth of seven or 
eight summers, with hair of flaxen hue, proved incorrect, as, upon the Big- 
nal, a well-grown son of Ham stepped forth. 'Now,' said the Captain, 
' we will proceed with our promise. You would hardly imagine that this 
youth has hair like heaven ? But he has. In that head above a face as 
black as your hat you cannot distinguish a parting — hence the similarity.' 
Amid the laughter of the on-lookers the army struck up ' There'll be no 
parting there. ' " 

The Salvation Army which would descend to this irreverent and stupid 
device to draw a crowd must be composed of " Stigginses" with " moral pocket- 
handkerchiefs," " Melchisedec Howlers" and "Verity Hawkyards " with 
" their prolix addresses, their inordinate conceit, their daring ignorance, 
their investment of the Supreme Ruler of heaven and earth with their own 
miserable meannesses and littlenesses," and their Bwaggering boast : "I 
am a servant of the Lord, and I have been a good servant to him, I have ; 
the Lord has had a good servant in me, and He knows it." 



WOMAN S EIGHTS. 

Oh, for womanly suffrage what man wouldn't go, 
That the wrongs of the darlings might all be redressed ? 

And what are these wrongs ? When you're married you'll know ; 
They relate to one Worth, the man I detest. — The Judge. 

To put the woman suffrage question on a dressmaking basis is making it 
a mere matter of form. 



An exchange says : " An ignorant man or woman is readily recognized 
by the cut of their jaw, by their dress and by their gait. We can tell a 
Jew peddler by taking a rear view of his shoulders, which are usually — if he 
has peddled a few years — either rounded or lop-sided. An Irish hod-carrier 
invariably has one shoulder sticking out, as though he had a chip on it and 
dared any one to knock it off." Carlyle, speaking of some one whose char- 
acter he had interpreted unfavorably, said : " I knew it by the twist of the 
hip of him." We heard a Boston woman gravely say of a man she disliked, 
who was passing her window as she spoke : " He has no magnanimity in 
his gait." 

PERSONAL. 



John Ruskin declares that Professor Tyndall's overwhelming vanity 
makes him a sinner against science, and then to demonstrate that he him- 
self is totally devoid of vanity, he announces that he intends to start a 
school of arts which will render the Royal Academy useless. 

It is rumored that Sarah Bernhardt has threatened to commit suicide. 
She might secure a great deal of free advertising by resorting to such a 
scheme ; but, really, we don't see how it would benefit her ' ' first appear- 
ance " in the next world. 

General Sherman went to a presidential reception where an old lady 
ambled up to him and asked in a most complacent way/: "Are you the 
General Sherman who was in the army during the war ? " Old Tecumseh 
was never so much demoralized in his life. If a battery of artillery had 
opened upon him he wouldn't have been more astonished. He looked at 
the woman for a moment, and seeing that she was innocent of any attempt 
at impertinence, responded : " Read history, madam, read history." 

Samuel H. Clemens, "Mark Twain," is a member of Rev. Mr. Twitchell's 
ohuroh in Hartford, and so was the late ex-Governor Marshall Jewell. But 



the ex-Governor was " higher up" in the church, as the humorist expressed 
it, and used to pass around the plate. One day Mark Twain said to the ex- 
Governor : "See here, Governor, they let you collect the donations, but 
they would never let me do it." "Oh, yes, they would," said the ex- 
Governor, adding, " that is, with a bell punch." 



FRENCH GOLD AND GERMAN SILVER, 



French. 

Old Male Monkey (evidently a tramp and beggar, passing a party of fine- 
lady monkeys playing croquet): If I had to-day only a pint of the nuts which 
the women-monkeys have filched from me ! 



Sportsman (unaware of a bird which has lighted on his hat) : What is 
that imbecile setter stopping and staring at me that way for ? 



Lady : Unfortunately a photograph alters in the course of time, does 
it not, sir? 

Photographer : Not so quickly as the sitter. 



X. always said that to eat a good chicken two things were necessary : 
himself and the chicken. 



Strangers at the races — 

First Frenchman : Doulliou espiquengliche 1 

Second Frenchman : Parbleu ! 



German. 



Lady (handing an apple to a little boy) : Give the apple to the one of us 
three that you think is the prettiest. 

The boy stares at the ladies awhile, takes the apple; and eats it. 



In Court — 

Lawyer : Is he a countryman of yours 1 

Witness : No, sir ; I am not married, but he waB born where I was. 



Lady (to her departing caller in full dress) : Only see, Amelia, how dil- 
apidated this house is ! Our landlord makes no repairs. I should be really 
ashamed if I had a visitor of any importance. 



Officer: When I give the order, "Prayer!" each of you is to put 
his hand up to his helmet, count up to thirty-seven and then lower his hand. 

—Translated by E. F. D. 



TWO VIEWS, 



Colonel Clepmore, editor of the Daily Blue Wing, went fishing one Sun- 
day and broke his leg. The Rev. Mr. Gidfelt heard of the accident, and in 
his Sunday evening sermon said : 

" Here we have a striking example of the retribution following the viola- 
tion of the Sabbath. If Colonel Clepmore had been at church he would not 
have broken his leg." 

The following Sunday, as the Rev. Mr. Gidfelt was ascending the steps 
of the pulpit, he stepped on a piece of orange peel dropped by a child of the 
Sunday-school, slipped, fell and broke his leg. The next issue of the Blue 
Wing contained the following : 

" Here we have a striking example of the retribution following self- 
appointed censorship. If the Rev. Mr. Gidfelt had been fishing he would 
not have broken his leg." — Arkansaw Traveler. 



STRICTLY A CALIFORNIA PRODUCTION. 
The production of the best Lager Beer in the world, as prouounced by all connois- 
seurs, is that brewed by the Fredericksburg Brewing Company of San Jose. Try the 
Fredericksburg, Salvator and Kaiser Beers and convince yourself. It is for sale at all 
firstclass saloons. General Office, 539 California street. 



BURNHAM'S ABIETENE. 
W. W. Haney, 221 Sacramento St., San Francisco, says " Burnham's Abietene" 
cured him of Rheumatism and Kidney trouble after every other remedy failed. He 
used it both internally and externally. It is sold by druggists generally. 



MOST MARKED SUCCESS. 
Messrs. Benham & Eaton, 735 Market street, proprietors of the Model Music 
Store, are agents for the celebrated Hazelton pianos, also the Benham piano ; first- 
class and medium price. Give them a call. 

FINE OLD TABLE WINES. 
Messrs. J. Gundlach & Co. , vine growers, corner Market and Second streets, 
make a great specialty of fine old table wines, their own production from their own 
extensive vineyards in Sonoma county. 

HAVE YOUR JEWELRY, FANS, WATCHES, ETC. REPAIRED. 

If you want your jewelry, watches, clocks, fans, etc. neatly repaired and made as 
good as new, go to S. J. Pembrooke, watchmaker and jeweler, 212 O'Farrell street, 
near Powell. 

SUBSCRIBERS 
Who desire to keep the " WASP " on file, can now be again supplied with 
Covers. Price, Fifty Cents. ^^_ 

38 Cough Mixture has no equal. While taking 38 Cough Mixture you can con- 
tinue your usual avocation. 38 Cough Mixture will cure your cold quicker than any 
other remedy ; other remedies are good, but 38 Cough Mixture will cure any and all 
kinds of colds.with less trouble than any other kind. For sale by all druggists. B. J. 
Rhodes & Co. , manufacturers, San Jose, Cal. 

J. P. Tenthorey & Co., 558 Mission street, have always on hand 'for' the trade the 
finest Maccaroni, Vermicelli, Farina and paste of all descriptions in French and Italian 
style. SSTNo retail in our factory. 



12 



THE WASP. 



SHOW NOTES, 



The opera company at the California is admired and patronized with unabated 
fervor, Signora Damerini recovered sufficiently to appear in the long-promised Norma, 
and filled her rdle admirably. Her voice is too heavy for the florid "Casta Diva" 
and the "Ah, Bello a Me Ritorna " ; but Norma, aside from this, calls for a heavy 
dramatic soprano, and Signora Damerini meets the requirements so well that one con- 
dones her inflexibility, especially as she gave the difficult execution with perfect 
smoothness, without aspirating or slurring her notes. In the trio, where her jealousy 
is roused by discovering that "Pollione" is " Adalgisa's " lover, she was superb. The 
art of portraying this passion seems distinctly Italian, for Giannini's " Manrico " 
lacked fire except in the last act, where he suspects "Leonora" of having saved his 
life by the transfer of her hand to his rival. If any one had been in doubt as to la 
Damerini's native land he had only to see her handle that wicked-looking dagger to be 
convinced at once that an Italian ai.d no other could use it with such a natural and ac- 
customed air. The Italian's dagger is like the American's pistol. Signora Orlandi 
made her first appearance before a San Francisco audience as "Adalgisa." She is 
young and fine-looking, with a good voice, and in the concerted music with " Norma" 
she sang with delightful precision, but in solo parts she is frequently off key, and she 
lacks what for want of a better word people call magnetism. Signor G-iannini showed 
unusual courage in grappling with the difficult and ungrateful part of " Pollione." His 
voice had scarcely a trace of the hoarseness perceptible in his " Manrico," and he did 
particularly well in the last act, where "Pollione's " love for "Norma" is brought 
back by her confession and sacrifice of herself— an exquisitely delicate piece of sing- 
ing and acting on Signora Damerini's part, by the way, as she just breathes "Son io," 
and gently takes the silver wreath from her hair with an unusually beautiful hand, 
Signor Serbolini would have sung "Orovego" well had it not been for his beloved 
vibrato, which was more pronounced than usual. The costuming of the chorus was 
fresh and rich, but why, Mr. Stage- Manager, a Roman fasces-bearer at a Druid sac- 
rifice ? 

On Monday evening Marchetti's Buy Bias was given to a full house. "Victor 
Hugo's dramas were the casus belli in the renowned struggle between the classicists 
and romanticists, when the latter carried the day and reformed the French stage. 
Lucrece Borgia, Bernani and Le Boi s'amuse, the latter under the name of Bigolttto, 
were seized upon long ago by the opera librettists, and Marchetti has taken a fourth 
play of France's great poet, novelist, historian and political reformer, and written 
music to it which deserves to rank above the others, with the exception, perhaps, of 
Bigoletto, It is written with care and dignity, and some of the harmonies are very 
fine, noticeably in the treatment of the unaccompanied quintette in the second act. 
Signora Peri sang the " Queen," and deepened the favorable impression made by her 
" Leonora." There is something very winning in her manner, and while her voice is 
light, it is pure, flexible and well trained. She was admirably suited to the part, and 
the frantic enthusiasm of the audience over the love duet in the third act was ap- 
parently just what she needed to bring out her full powers. She seemed to vibrate and 
expand with excitement and pleasure, and the added sweetness and resonance of her 
voice and the abandon of her acting during the rest of the opera showed that she had 
felt the lack of sympathy manifested by the Trovatore audience. 

Giannini as " Kuy Bias" outdid himself. In his other roles he has been content 
to let his voice do all the work for him, a task to which it is fully equal, but Monday 
night he showed himself an actor as well. His voice was in perfect order, and while 
strong and full as ever, displayed an unaffected tenderness and touching sweetness that, 
added to the other qualities we knew it possessed, makes it phenomenal. He has done 
no such singing since he came here as in the first act, where he stands lost in ecstacy 
before the Queen's picture. His share in the duet with the harp accompaniment in 
the third act was faultlessly carried through, and his solo opening the fourth act was a 
magnificent piece of singing. 

Signor Vilmant, when his lack of years has been remedied by time, will be one of 
the great baritones. His "Don Sallustio " was even better than his " Amonasro." 
His clear, smooth voice, which, like the tenor, he never forces, was heard to excellent 
advantage, and, for so young a man, he handled the character with skill and a firm 
grasp. Signor Serbolini did very well as " Don Guritano," and Signora Orlandi made 
a good " Casilda," giving her characteristic ballad in the second act with great effect 
and winning a hearty recall. The chorus, as usual, was well costumed and the stage 
setting beautiful. It is a pity that where all is so good the orchestra should be so poor. 
It is not under good control ; Signor Logheder's baton is only too often painfully aud- 
ible against his desk, and a disaffected 'cello occasionally give3 a lone wail falser than 
all fancy fathoms. He came as near as possible to spoiling one of Giannini's finest 
effects, if anything could spoil Giannini's efforts. 

One charming peculiarity of the troupe is the apparent kindly feeling among the 
members. The congratulatory handshake they give each other after one of their un- 
qualified successes, where the delighted audience rises and roars at them, is very pleas- 
ant to see, and the " bis, bis ! " that comes from the foreigners in the gallery is piquant 
to our American ears. H. M. L. 

It is not fair to pass a final judgment on the Black Crook, with only the tedious 
disconnection of Wednesday night in evidence. There is the material for a very good 
spectacle in the " Gal Gil Gar " combination, and when they have rehearsed more and 
cut and trimmed and adapted, the Black Crook will be as taking if not as new as the 
DeviVs Auction. A good spectacle is always sure of a good audience. The horrors 
of the Serpents' Glen are not as gruesome as Freischiltz has led us to expect, but, on the 
other hand, the pink ballet of young persons waving golden boughs was more new and 
fresh and bright than the Gil Gal Gar had led us to expect they had in their wallet. 
The double Irish Jig is " immense," even if the dancers show more spirit than rythm, 
and the march of Amazons down the terrace staircase will evidently be drilled into 
something as popular as the drill in one of Lillie Post's operas. The real triumphs of 
t\vQ Black Crook are to come. A, L. T. 

The Baldwin is closed for renovation. Great preparations are being made for 
bringing out In the Banks in great form on the 18th. The play is an English home 
life drama with true love, villainy properly crushed at the last, movement and ad- 
venture, returned convicts, jails and courts of justice, another woodland glade with 



real water, d. la Bajah, a mechanical revolving of prison walls, a la Shaughraun, and 
all this with an advertised record of 150 performances in London and 200 in America. 
The box-office at the Baldwin opens for the sale of reserved seatB Thursday, 
August 14th. The company will arrive next Monday or Tuesday. 



HER PLEASURE. 



Sitting by a closed window, en- 
gaged in reading or sewing, she 
always felt the cool draft that crept 
in beneath the sash, and it chilled 
her and gave her many a cold, till 
her thoughtful husband purchased 
a pretty little two-leaf screen for 
her which broke the draft and did 
not obscure the light — adding an- 
other to the pleasures he could 
afford her. 

Husbands ! take the hint. Your 
wife or your children are liable to 
take colds from drafts that will 
make them ill and cause you ex- 
pense in bills for medicine. 

It is true that colds are caused 
by drafts, and screens break drafts. 

Ichi Ban, 20—22—24 Geary 
street. The finest store in America, 
has them ranging in price from $2.50 upwards. 




FOUND AT LAST. 
A pure and wholesome preparation for dressing and promoting the growth of the 
hair, for allaying and preventing inflammation, alleviating and curing all ordinary 
diseases of the scalp and skin, August Koehncke's Hair Restorer; a cure and pre- 
ventative of premature baldness. It is a purely botanical compound, and not a greasy, 
dirty mess. Totally unlike nearly all other preparations for the hair and skin. It 
contains neither mineral, chemical, animal nor vegetable poisons. J. J. Mack & Co., 
9 and 11 Front street, San Francisco, Sole Agent ; or, direct to A. Koehncke, manu- 
facturer, Watsonville, Cal. Sent to any address on receipt of $1 j six bottles, $5. 



YOUNG MENJ^READ THIS. 
The Voltaic Belt Co., of Marshall, Mich., offer to send their celebrated Electro- 
Voltaic Belt and other Electric Appliances on trial for thirty days, to men (young or 
old) afflicted with nervous debility, loss of vitality and manhood, and all kindred 
troubles. Also for rheumatism, neuralgia, paralysis, and many other diseases. Com- 
plete restoration to health, vigor and manhood guaranteed. No risk is incurred as 
thirty days trial is allowed. Write them at once for illustrated pamphlet free. 



A HEALTHY DRINK AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. 
It is important to families as well as first-class saloon men to know that H. L. St. 
John & Co., 14 Hayes street, are making the genuine old-fashioned Eastern Root Beer 
from selected roots and herbs. It is cooling, healthy and delicious, good for old and 
young. It is the cheapest and best drink in the city. One dozen pints only 70 cents, 
one dozen quarts only SI. 10, delivered free to your house. All bottles have.patent 
stoppers. Try the Root Beer. 



ARTIFICIAL LIMBS. 
It should be generally known that the best improved Artificial Limbs in the 
world are manufactured by Mr. Menzo Spring, 9 Geary street. Circular and measure 
blanks combined for legs and arms sent free to any address on application. Mr. 
Spring has a commission from the United States to furnish limbs on Government 
orders. 

READ THIS. 
Mr. A. H. Baldwin (formerly McDowell & Baldwin) of the San Francisco Carpet 
Beating Machine, 1321 and 1323 Market street, has now new machinery throughout. 
Calls for carpets, renovates and relays them all in one day. Refitting carpets a 
specialty. Telephone 3036. Remember, flSTno Chinamen employed at this establish i 
ment. 



PHILADELPHIA BREWERY. 

The Philadelphia Brewery has sold during the year 1882 64,188 barrels of beer, 
being twice as much as the next two leading breweries in this city. (See Official 
Report, U. S. Internal Revenue, January, 1883.) The beer from this brewery has a 
Pacific Coast renown unequaled by any other on the Coast 



NATURAL MINERAL WATER. 
The Tolenas Spring Soda, natural mineral water lately introduced here, is re- 
freshing, agreeable and effervescent, cures indigestion, acHity of the stomach, etc. 
Turner Bros. & Co., 217 Commercial street, general agents Pacific coast. 



Regular Republican Nom- 
inee for Congress, 

2d CONGRESSIOXAX DISTRICT, 

JAS. A. LOUTTIT, 

OF STOCKTON. 
HAVE YOU TRIED 

STAFFORD'S 
COMMERCIAL INK? 

CALL FOE A BOTTLE. 

CDNSINGHAM, CUBTISS & WELCH 

327 to 331 Saasome Street, S. F. 



Regular Republican Nom- 
inee for Congress, 

3d CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT, 

JOSEPH McKENNA, 

OF SUISUN, SOLANO COUNTY. 



DEALERS IN FURS. 

Alaska Commercial Co., 
310 Sansome Street, 

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. 



Wholesale 



THE WASP. 



13 



NOW IS THE TIME 

TO SUBSCRIBE FOR 

" T ZHI IE "\*^.A. S IP." 



IT IS Till. ONLY 

Cartoon Paper Published West of the Rocky Mountains, 

And during the Campaign no Expense will be spared to make It the most 
Interesting and popular publleatlon or tue day. 

ITS CARTOONS WILL BE A PROMINENT FEATURE: 

Illustrating all that Is Eventful and Topical in .Vatlonal and Local Politics. 
The Letterpress will be up to its usual high standard. 



TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTIONS ) ( 3 Months SI 25 

J. - - - < 6 " 2 50 

Payable in Advance : J ( 12 " 5 00 

Remit by Postal Order or Check. 



Nineteenth 

INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION 

MECHANICS' FAIR 

SAN FRANCISCO, 1884, 

OPENS AUGUST 6th ; CLOSES SEPTEMBER 
6TU. MECHANICAL PROGRESS, IN- 
VENTION, ART and NATURAL PRODUCTS 
will be represented by the beat obtainable ex- 
hibits on this coast. An 

INSTRUMENTAL CONCERT 

by an efficient orchestra each afternoon and 
evening. 

PREMIUMS. 

Medals of gold, silver and bronze, diplomas 
and cash will be awarded as premiums to 
meritorious exhibits. 

ADMISSION. 

Double season tickets, $5 ; single season, S3 ; 
apprentice season, 81.60; child's, $1.50; adult 
single admission, 50 cents ; child's, 25 cents ; 
SEASON TICKETS TO MEMBERS OF THE 
INSTITUTE AT HALF-RATES. 

Any desired information given or sent on ap- 
plication to the SECRETARY, 31 Post Street. 
P. B. CORNWALL, President. 

J. H. Culver, Secretary. 



CALIFORNIA 

SUGAR REFINERY 



OFFICE, 337 MAEKET ST. 



GLAUS SPKECKELS President 

J. D. SPRECKELS Vice-President 

A. E. SPRECKELS Secretary 



WALL PAPERS, 

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Honolulu, H. I. 



This house has been entirely renovated and 
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TOURISTS. 

The Hotel ia most delightfully situated, and 
the Cuisine Is equal to that of the Leading 
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GEO. H. FASSETT, 

Manager. 



THE £TNA_SPRINGS. 

To the highly curative proprieties of these 
waters and the charms of the place is added an 
elegant and capacious Swimming Bath. 

These waters purify the blood, refresh, renew 
and restore the whole system. 

They cure Rheumatism, Sciatica, Dyspepsia, 
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These waters are a specific in cases of Malaria, 
Chill and Ague Fever. 

They afford magical relief in cases of Nervous- 
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Visitors leave San Francisco at 8 a. M. for St. 
Helena, thence by daily stage (Sundays ex- 
cepted), arriving at the /Etnas at 5 r. m. 

For Pamphlet containing Analysis and Cures, 
address WM. RITRNELL, Sup't, or >V!M. 
II. c Din J l , Proprietor, Litfell P. O., 
Napa 10., Cal. 



BLAINE! 



Agents wanted for authen- 
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Large st.handsomest, cheap- 
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published by us, outsold the twenty others by 
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ALIEN A CO., Angnsta, Maine. 



DR. SPINNEY, 

No. 11 Ivl \lt\V ST., 
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iiuvi; MEN. 

The following symptoms are frequently met 
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Loss of Memory and Energy, Eyes growin 
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Apprehensions for the Future, Aversion to So- 
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many others. These are the results of youthful 
follies or indiscretions, and those suffering from 
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altar of suffering humanity. DR. SPINNEY 
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to cure. 

MIDDLE-AGED MEN. 

There are many at the age of thirty to sixty 
who are trouble with diseases of Kidney and 
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manner the patient cannot account for. Many 
men die of this dilticulty, ignorant of the cause. 
Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure in all s uch 
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Office Hours— 10 to 4 and 6 to 8. Sundays, 
from 10 to 11 a.m. Consultation free. Thorough 
examination and advice S5. Call or address, 
DR. SPINNEY & CO., 11 Kearny St., S. F. 



DR. ALLEN'S 

PRIVATE DISPENSARY, 

26J Kearny Street, San Francisco, Cal. 

Established for the Scientific and Speedy Cure of 

Chronic, Nervous and Special Diseases. 

THE EXPERT SPECIALIST, 

r. Allen, is a regular Physician from University 
of Michigan. He is acknowledged to be the most 
expert Surgeon in his specialty on the Pacific 
Coast. 

yorxti men ' 

And MIDDLE-AGED MEN, who suffer from the 
effects of Youthful Indiscretions or Excesses in 
maturer years, Nervous and Physical Debility, 
loss of energy and memory, etc., remember I 
have a Vesrtable Compound, the result of many 
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Hospital Experience, 
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cellent results. I wish it distinctly understood 
that I do not claim to perforin impossibilities. 
I claim only to be a skilful and sucesskul Phy- 
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specialty — 

Diseases of Man. 
All will receive my Honest opinion of their 
complaints — no experimenting. I will guara ntee 
a positive cure in every case I undertake, or 
forfeit 31,000. Consultation in office or by letter 
free and strictly private. Charges moderate. 
Call or address DR. ALLEN, 

26 1-2 Kearny street, San Francisco, Cal. 



To the Unfortunate I 
Dr Gibbon's Dispensary. 

623 snt 

San Francisco— Es- 
tablished in 1854 for 
the treatment and 
cure of Special Dis- 
eases, nervous and 
physical Debility, or 
diseases wearing on 
body and mind, per- 
manently cured. 
The sick and afflict- 
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j|to call upon him. 
^^JH The Doctor has tra- 
veled extensively in* Europe, and inspected 
thoroughly the hospitals there, obtaining a 
great deal of valuable information, which he 
is competent to impart to those in need of 
his services. The Doctor cures when other 
fail. Try him. DR. GIBBON will make no 
charge unleBB he effects a cure. Persons at a 
distance may be CURED AT HOME. All 
communications strictly confidential. Charge 
resonahle. Call or write. Address DR. J. 
F. GIBBON, Box 1957, San Francisco. Men- 
tion the WASP. 




THE 

WHITE HOUSE, 

Honolulu, H. I. 



Guests visiting the Islands can secure com- 
fortable Rooms, with or without Board, at 
Reasonable Figures. 

MRS. JAMES T. WHITE, 
Proprietress. 



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is its neat, portable 
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the mode in which it may be taken is Doth 
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Genuine only with the fae-simile of Baron 
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the public are informed that the Liebig 
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Baron Liebig's guarantee of genuineness. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

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OCEANIC STEAMSHIP CO. 



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14 



THE WASP. 



SUMMER PLEASURES. 



Oh, the happy summer 
At the merry seaside ! 
Oh, the crab that nips the 

Bather on the shin ! 
Oh, the laughing children, 
Playing in the billows ! 
Hear the nursey-nursey 

Splosh the baby in. 

Hear the little baby, 
Hear the pretty baby, 
Kicking like a steerlet, 

Raising shrieks on high ; 
Till the merry water, 
Till the gurgling water 
Gets into his mouthlet 

And he cannot cry. 

See the pretty maiden 
"Venture in the water, 
In an azure tunic 

And striated hoae — 
And a little later 
See that pretty maiden 
Dabbing lots of powder 

On her sunburned nose. 

See the mighty ocean, 
See the great attractions, 
See the proud hotel-clerk — 

But remember, pray, 
It will cost four dollars, 
And ahalf-a-dollar, 
If you want to see him 

For a single day. — Puck. 
♦ ^ ♦ 

However people dislike to be alone, they very 
seldom object to get a loan. 



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yp REMEDIES.'' 

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reatores the Hair. 

Cuticura Soap, an exquisite Skin Eeautifier and Toilet Requi- 
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Skin. 

Cuticura Remedies are absolutely pure and the only infallible 
Blood Purifiers and Skin Beautiflers. 

Sold everywhere. Price — Cuticura, 50 cents ; Soap, 25 cents ; 
Resolvent, |l. Prepared by Potter Drug and Chemical Co., 
Boston, Mass. 





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Just as the Fulton ferryboat was leaving the 
Brooklyn slip, says the Sun, a young woman, cling- 
ing to the arm of her companion, leaned backward 
till she could see the top of the bridge tower and 
remarked : " Oh, how high ! " "I have been 
more than three times as high as that," said the 
man. "I know you have." "It was when they 
had the Captive balloon down at Coney Island." 
"Oh," said the young woman, thoughtfully, "I 
thought it was that night you came home from the 
picnic. " 



" Phwat wud Oi want wid a bicikle ? " said the 
ancient Irishman to the boys who had been chaff- 
ing him. " Bedad, Oi'd as soon walk afoot as ride 
afoot ! " 



A patent-medicine manufacturer advertises for 
bald men who are willing to have advertisements 
painted on the tops of their heads, "for a high 
pecuniary recompense." — Chicago Times. 



A young doctor once asked Dr. O. W. Holmes 
for a suitable motto. " Small fevers gratefully re- 
ceived," he quickly responded. 



A baseball umpire was killed by lightning a few 
days ago, and it took half a day to convince the 
kicking nine that it wasn't one of his own decisions 
that caused his death. 



A colored domestic, who had been using his em- 
ployer's blacking, said : 

" Boss, our blackin' am done out." 

" What do you mean? " growled the sordid em- 
ployer ; " everything belongs to me. I want you to 
understand that nothing belongs to you." 

The terrified darky promised to comply with the 
request. On the following Sunday the boss hap- 
pened to meet the colored menial, accompanied by 
a chocolate-colored female pushing a baby-car- 
riage. 

"Was that your baby in that carriage?" he 
asked next day, quite a number of his friends being 
present. 

" No, boss,dat's not my chile ; dat is yure chile. 
I'se nebber gwine ter say nuffin belongs to me no 
moah." 



As Pat and Tim one wintry day 

Stood by the river side. 
A box came floating on the stream, 

Which Pat at once espied. 
Says he to Tim, " Ye see that box? 

What would ye take — come, say- 
To leap in there and bring it out 

Upon this freezing day ? " 

Just then an icy blast struck Tim 

That set him all a shake. 
He fixed his eyes upon the stream, 

And unto Pat he spake : 
' What wud I take to lape in there, 

An' wid these hands lay howld 
Upon that box an' bring it out ? 

Be jab.ers, I'd take cowld ! " 



A gentleman recently met an old acquaintance 
and remarked : 

" Ah, Jones, I'm sorry to see you with that limp ; 
hurt your foot ? " 

" Ko ; there's nothing the matter with it. I'm 
booked for a Sunday-school picnic to-day, and I 
suppose they've an idea they'll use me for a mule, 
to pack wood and carry water and put up swings, 
like they did last year, but they'll get left. I'm 
lame. Cut my foot half off. Had a railroad train 
run over it. Got it caught under a trip-hammer. 
I'm going to sit in the shade and have 'em bring 
me strawberries and cream." 



A telegraph messenger boy in Chicago has been 
sent to an insane asylum. Several times when on 
an errand he has been seen to run. 



" De fool niggah w'at bites his fumb at me is 
flingin' graveyard dirt on heesself, for a fac'." 

" Have you ever been in Algebra ? " " Oh, yes," 
said the boaster, " I passed through there on the 
top of a stage coach about a year ago." 



" Why don't you get up as early as you used to 
a few months ago ? " angrily asked a wife of her 
lazy husband. " Because, my dear, it's sleep year" 
— turned over for another snooze. 



SING DEM PRAISES. 



'Mong de po' white folks dar alius is er b'lief, 

Oh, sing dem praises, David ; 
Dat de ole-time nigger is er powerful thief, 

Oh, sing dem praises, David. 
But er white man'll steal. Ef you blebe my tale, 
Oh, sing dem praises, David ; 
Oh, sing dem praises while yer kin. 
Hucher, chucher, hucher, chucher, ham fat 
man ; 
Sing dem all, den sing ergin, 
Hucher, chucher, hucher, chucher, ham in 
de Ian'. 

Er man what prays ain' ap' fur ter steal, 

Oh, sing dem praises, David ; 
'Cept when his body sorter hon'ry does feel, 

Oh, sing dem praises, David ; 
He wouldn' steal er coat nur he wouldn' steal er pants, 

Oh, sing dem praises, David ; 
Ef somebody watched an' he didn't hab er chance, 

Oh, sing dem praises, David. 

Oh, sing dem praises while yer kin, etc. 



A marked man — the fellow who sits down on a 
newly-painted stoop. 

" The live man is always to be found in front " — 
is not intended to apply to a funeral procession. 



The United States Navy is a terror at home and 
abroad. — Midge Avenue Advocate. 



WW CELEBRATED ^1^ 




|^ fc STOMACH^ ^ 

bitters 



The feeble grow strong 
when Hostetter's Stomach 
Bitters is used to promote as- 
similation of the food and en- 
rich the blood. Indigestion, 
the chief obstacle to an ac- 
quisition of strength by the 
weak, is an ailment which 
infallibly succumbs to the ac- 
tion of this peerless correct- 
ive. Loss of flesh and appe- 
tite, failure to sleep, and 
growing evidence of prema- 
ture decay, are speedily 
counteracted by the great in- 
vigorant, which braces up the 
physical energies and fortifies 
the constitution against dis- 
ease. For sale by all Drug- 
gists and Dealers generally. 



30 DAYS TRIAL. 

To Toung, old, rich or poor, 
both sexes,— stop drugging, 
and cure yourself with DR. 
HORNE'S (New Improved) 
Electric Belt. Electricity is 
Life, and a lack of it 1b Dis- 
ease and Death. Thousands 
testify to its priceless value. 
80,000 cures reported In 1883, 
Whole family can wear same Belt- Cures without medi- 
cine. Pains in the Buck, Hips, Head or Linihs. Nervous 
Debility, Lumbago, Genera) Debility, Rheumatism, Par- 
alysis, Neuralgia, Sciatica, Disease of Kidneys, Spinal 
Diseases, Torpid Liver, Gout, Asthma, Heart Disease, 
Dyspepsia, Cfmslipatlmi, Erysipelas, Indigestion, Rup- 
ture. Catarrh. Piles, Kpilepsv. Ague, Diabetes. .Send stamp 

for Pamphlet. W. J. HOENE, 702 Market St., Saa Fran- 
cisco, Cal. Inventor, Proprietor and Manulacturer- 




WEAK, UNDEVELOPED PARTS 

OF THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED. 

STRENGTHENED. Etc., is ao interesting advertisement 



long run in our paper. In reply toinquir: 
there is no evidence " r hnmbqg about thi9 



s, we willflnyth.it 
On the contrary. 



tho advertisers are very highly ind^rsrd. Interested persona 
may gctaealed circulars gtyingaHpartionlarajby aiHrcsaing 
Y.v.ik Miintcw, Co., Buffalo, N. Y.— Toledo Evening Bee. 




E.UPTURE 



HPositively cured in 60 days by 
Sl>r. Home 'h Eiectro-AIiijrnetifl 
' Bclt-TriiMH, combined. Guaran- 
teed the only one in the world 
«V>C" generating a continuous El?ctrio& Mag- 
'netic Oavretit. Scientific, Powerful, Durable, 
Comfortable and Effective in curing Rup- 
ture. Price Reduced. r>un cured in s:i. Send for pamphlet 
ELECTKO-MAGNETIC TRUSS COIVLPASSTy. 
70a JLakkht sthkkt, Bak Francisco. 



LADY AGENTS permanent 
employment and good salary 
■£■' selling Queen CitySbirtand 
BtocktugSuuportersetc* Sum- 
pie outfltfree. Address Queen 
City Suspender Co. , Cincinnati, o. 




THE WASP. 



15 



PACIFIC COAST 
STEAMSHIP COMPANY. 



Steamers of this Company will 
fasai from Broadway Wharf, San 
Francisco, for ports in California, 
^ Oregon, Washington and Idaho 
territories, British Columbia and Alaska, as fol 
lows : 

California Southern Coast limit. ■. 
Steamers will Bail about every second day A. M. 
lor the following ports (excepting San Diego, 
■very fifth day), viz: Santa Unix, Monterey, 
Ban Simeon, Cayucos, Port Harford, San Luis 
Obispo, Gaviota, Santa Barhar ., Centura, Hue- 
neme, San Pedro Los Angeles, asd San Diego. 

British Colombia nuil llnskn Route. 

—Steamship IDAHO, carrying L'. S. MailB, sails 
trom Portland, Oregon, m ir about the 6th of 
each month, for Port Townaend, W. T., Victoria, 
and Nanaimo, B. C, Fort U'rangol, Sitka and 
HarrlBburg, Alaska, connecting at Port Town- 
send with Victoria and Puget Hound. Steamer 
leaving San Francisco on or about the 1st of 
the same month. 

Victoria and Pugct Sound Route.— 

The Steamers GEO. W. ELDER and MEX- 
ICO, carrying Hor Britanic Majesty's and 
United States mails, sail from Broadway Wharf, 
Ban Francisco, at 10 a. M., on Au<u*t 3d, 11th, 
19th, 27th and Sept. •ith, and every eighth day 
thore\fter for Victoria, 6. C, Port Pownsend, 
Seattle, Tacoma, Steila oom and Olympin, mak- 
ing close connection with steamboats, etc. , for 
8kagit River and Cassiar -lines, Nanaimo, New 
Westminster, Yale, Sitka and all other imp-ir- 
tant points. Returning, leave Seattle and Port 
Townsend on August 3d, 11th, 19th, 27th, and 
every eighth day thereafter, and Victoria at 
12 u. on August 4th, 12th, 20th, 28th, and every 
eighth day thereafter. 

Portland, Oregon, Route.— The Oregon 
Railway and Navigation Company and the Pa- 
cific Coast Steamship Company dispatch from 
Spear Street Wharf one of the steamships 
8TATE OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON or CO- 
LUMBIA, carrying the United States Mail. 
Sailing days— August 2d, 7th, 12th, J7th, 
22d, :7th and Sept. 1st, ind every following fiftn 
day for Portland tDd Astoria, Oregon. 

Eureka and lluniboldt Ray Route.— 

Steamer CITY OF CHESTER Bails from San 
Francisco for Eureka, Areata, Hookton (Hum- 
bolt Bay) every Wednesday at 9 a. m. 

Potnt Arena and Mendocino Route.— 

Bteamer YAQUTNA sails from Broadway 
Wharf, San Francisco, at 3 p. M. every Monday 
lor Point Arenas, Cuffey's Cove, Little River 
and Mendocino. 

TICKET OFFICE, 214 Montgomery St. 

(Opposite the Russ House) 

G00DALL, PERKINS & CO,, General Agents 
No. 10 Market St., San Francisco. 



The Great Burlington Route 

CHICAGO, BURLINGTON & 
QUINCY RAILROAD. 



EASTWARD 



Is The Old Favohite and Principal 
Line Feom 

OMAHA, KANSAS CITY, ATCHISON 
and ST. JOSEPH 

For CHICAGO, 

ST. LOUIS, 

MILWAUKEE, 

Detroit, Niagara Falls, 
NEW YORK, BOSTON, 

And all points Eaat and Southeast. 

THE LINE COMPRISES nearly 4,000 
miles. Solid, Smooth Steel Track. All 
connections are made in UNION DE- 
POTS. It has a National Reputation as 
being THE GREAT THROUGH CAR- 
LINE and is universally conceded to be 
the FINEST EQUIPPED railroad in the 
World for all classes of travel. 

Try it, and you will find traveling a 
luxury instead of a discomfort. 

Through Tickets via this celebrated line 
for sale at all offices in the West. 

All information about Rates of Fare, 
Sleeping - Car Accommodations, Time 
Tables, etc., will be cheerfully given by 
applying to 

PERCEVAL LOWELL, 
Gen'l Passenger Agt., Chicago, 111b 

T. J. POTTER, 

Gen'l Manager, Chicago. Ills. 



SOUTH PACIFIC COAST 
RAILROAD. 

Passenger Trains leave Station, foot of Market 
street, South Side at 

8,011 A.M., daily, Alvarado, New-ark, Ccn- 
■ OU ton-Mo, Alvieo, Santa Clara, SAN 
JOSK, Los Oatos, Wrights, Glen wood, Felton, 
Big Tree*-, SANTA CRUZ and all Way Stations. 

2 .Qfl P. M. (except Sunday), Express: Mt 
■ OU Eden, Alvarado, Newark, Centerviilo, 
Alvieo, Agnews, Santa Clara, SAN JOSE, Los 
GatOBand all station to SANTA CRUZ. 

4 "Qfl P " M 'l daily, for SAN JOSE, Los Gatos 
•OU and intermediate points. SATUR- 
DAYS and SUNDAYS to SANTA CRUZ. 

<tjr EXCURSIONS TO SANTA CRUZ AND 
U>0 9Y.50 to SAN JOSE, on SATURDAYS 
and SUNDAYS, to return until MONDAY, in- 
clusive. 

8,flfl A. M-. every Sunday, excursion to 
• UU SAN JOSE, Bit; TREES and SANTA 
CRUZ. 

fljrt to BIG TREES and SANTA CRUZ. 
mi yr to SANTA CLARA and SAN J09E. 

TO OAKLAND AND AXA91EDA. 

§6.00, §6.30, $7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.80, 9.00, 9.30, 
10.00, 10.30, 11.00, 11.30 A. M. 1)12.00, 12.30, 
•fl 00, 1.S0, "12.00, -2.30, 3.00, 8.30, 4 00, 4.30, 5.00 
fi.30, 00, H.80, 7.00, 7.30, 8.30, 10.45, 11.45 P.M. 

From i Mtiri pen i h ;i ml Webster streets, 
Oakland- §5.30, §«.00, $6.30, §7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 
8.30. 9.00, 9.30. 10.00, 10.30, HH-00, 11 30 A. M, 
112.00, 12.30,«f|l.0n, 1.30, 2 00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 
4.00, 4.30, 5.00, 5.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 9.30, 
10.45, 11.46 P. M. 

From High Hired, Alameda— §5.16, §5.46, 
66.16, 6 i6, 7.16, 7.46. 8.16, 8.46. 9.10. 9.46, 
10.16, ^[10.46, 11.16, 111.46 A. M. 12 16, 112.40, 
1.16, 1 46, 2.16, 2.46, 3.16, 3.40, 4 16, 4.46, 6.16, 
6.40, 6.16, 6.46, 7.10, 9.16, 11.31 P. M. 

§ Sundays excepted. 

1 Saturdays and Sundays only. 

TICKET, Telegraph and Transfer offices 228 
Montgomery street, S. F. 



L. FILLMORE, 

Superintendent. 



R. M. GARRATT, 
G. F. & P. Agt. 



T D. McH. AY General Agent 

Hanibal and St. Joseph and 
Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroads, 
32 Montgomery Street. 



The Cocoa Crop is Short. 



Look Out for Adulterations. 



By Using 

WALTER BAKER & GO'S 

Chocolate 

You will be Sure of Secur- 
ing the Best. 

WH. T. COLEMAN *fc CO. 

Sole Agents' 



GREAT ENGLISH 
REMEDY 

Is a certain cure for 
Nervous Debility, 
LoBt Vitality, and 
all the evil effects of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. 
DR. JalNTIE.who 
a regular physi- 
cian, graduate ol 
the University of 
Pennsylvania, will agree to forfeit Five Hun- 
dred Dollabs for a case of the kind the VITAL 
RESTORATIVE (under his special advice and 
treatment) will not cure. Price SI. 50 a bottle ; 
four times the quantity, §5 . I- ent to any address. 
Confidentially, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D., No. 
11 Kearny street, S. F. Send for pamphlet. 

S \MPLE BOTTLE, FREE, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating symptoms, sex 
and age Strict secrecy in all transactions. 




THE AMERICAN 

SUGAR REFINERY, 

San Francisco. 

Manufacturers of nil classes of Refined 

Sugars, Including Loaf Sugar 

for Export. 

C. ADOLPHE LOW & CO., 

Agents 
Office, 308 California St. 



D? THOMAS HALL'S 




ABSOLUTELY PURE 

A delightful appetizer, giving tone and strengtn 
to the stomach, and as a tonic beverage it has no 
equal; will cure Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Fever 
and Ague, Biliousness, General Debilitv and 
kindred diseases. 

This tonic is most beneficial in its results ; it 
braces the system, creates an appetite, and de- 
stroys that wretched feeling of ennui which we 
constantly labor under in this enervating climate. 
The tonic for its medicnl qualities excels anv 
other ever offered to the public,' having taken the 
first premium at the fairs of Sacramento, San 
Jose, Stockton, Oakland and San Francisco for 
absolute purity, made from pure California Port 
Wine, Wine of P> psin and Elixir Calisaya. 

42TFor sale everywhere throughout the State. 
Depot at J AMES H. GATES' drug store, cor. New 
Montgomery and Howard streets. San Francisco. 




IHt. I II UK. - 

WONDERFUL 

GERMAN 
INVIGORATOR, 

The greate t remedy 
for the cure of Nervous 
and Physical Debility, 
Vital Exhaustion, 
Weakness, l oss of Vi- 
tality, and all the re- 
sults of it discretions, etc. The German Treat- 
ment prevents permanently all unnatural losses 
from the Bystem. 

The Doctor, a regular college physician from 
Europe, will agree to forfeit Si, 000 for a case un- 
dertaken not cured. The reason thousands can 
not get cured of Weakness, Lost Vitality, and 
the above Diseases is owing to a complication 
called PROSTATORRHEA, with Hyperesthesia, 
which requires special treatment. 

DR. LIEBIG'S INVIGORATOR No. 2 is the 
only POSITIVE CURE for PROSTATORRHEA. 
Price of either Invigorator $2; case of six bot- 
tle, $10. 

DR. LIEBIG & CO., for the past seventeen 
years have made an exclusive specialty of Dis- 
eases of Men. Disease, however induced, speed- 
ilr, thoroughly and permanently cured, recent 
cases in a few days; inveterate cases skillfully 
treated; charges moderate. 

If pimples appear on the face, if you become 
listless and despondent look out for the compli- 
cation with Vital Weakness and loss of Vitality 
known as Prostatorrhea. Hundreds of lives 
have been lost for the want of proaer treatment 
for this complication, and thousands have lost 
all their property and pleasure in life irom its 
effects. A perfect and permanent cure will be 
guaranteed in any case undertaken, under our 
special advice and treatment. 

Call or addrefs DR. LIEBIG & CO., 400 
Geary street, San Francisco. Private en- 
trance, 405 Mason street, four blocks up 
Geary street from Kearny. 
Most Powerful Electric Belts free to patients. 
jOT To prove the wonderful power of the IN- 
VIGORATORS a 82 bottle given free. 

Consultation, advice and examination free and 
private. 



J. D.SPRECKELS & BROS., 

Shipping and Commission 

M!e re h. an ts. 



AGENTS FOE 

Bpreckels* Line of Hawaiian Paehets, 

S. s. Hepwortu's Centrifugal Ma- 

chlncH, Heed's. Patent Pipe 

and Boiler Corerlng. 

No. 327 Market Street, 

Corner Fremont, SAN FRANCISC i 



BILLIARDS. 



P. LIESENFELD, Manufacturer. 

ESTABLISHED 1859. 

BOLK AQKKT8 FOR TUK "M.Y QBNPINH 

Patent Steel Plate Cushion, 

Guaranteed for Ten Years. 

Tbe Mont Elegant Stock or Billiard and 

Poul Tables on I In- Pacific Coast. 

945 Folsom Street, 

NEAR SIXTH. 

Prices 20 per cent. Lower lima any 

other House on the Coast. 

£&■ SEND FOR A CATALOGUE. "W. 



im*s i Stpncan *3r corks with 

I It HggggP^ *Cl I I \ TAINTY N«r\Oil8 

llEiW^^P^\SI>l and Physical De 

y^m- ;1\V^VU bility > Vital Ex ' 

haustion, Weak- 
ness, Loss of Vi- 
tality, and all the 
\^^F i 'W2$'/fflJ^ FVn terrible results'ol 
\ww'.'K% tK/M^ mi\X\ excesses and india- 

iKV^WWwIlli cretiona - lt p re - 

INuvehaIUII 7aVrs 4 g 

^^■■DMDmiMHBn drains the 

the system. Prrmanknt tjrks Guaranteed. 
1 rice 82.50 per battle, or five bottles §10.00.. 
To be had only of DR. C. D. SALFIELD, 2Itt 
Kearny street, (■ an Francisco. 

TRIAL BOTTLE FREE, 
^uffici^nt to show its merit, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating his symptoms and 
age.. Communications strictly confidential. 



WILT IAMS, DIMOND & CO. 

SHIPPING AND 

Commission Merchants, 

UNION B LOC K, 
Junction market and Pine Streets^ 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



AGEXTS FOR PACIFIC MAIX 8. g„ 
Co.; the Pacific Steam Navigation Co.; the 
Cunard Royal Mail S. S. Co. ; the Hawaiian Line; 
the China Traders' Insurance Co. (Limited); the 
Marine Insurance Co. of London ; the Baldwin 
Locomotive Works; the Glasgow Iron Co.; Nich, 
Ash ton & Son's Salt. 



Opera Glasses 

the utest just received. 

1863. Only Pebble Estab'm't. 1884. 

ft 




135 MONTGOMERY STREET, 
Near Bush. 

Orders by Hall or Express Promptly 
Attended to. 

Compound Astigmatic Lenses 

Mounted to order at wo hours notice. 

The Most Complicated Ca [ cs of Defective Vision 
thoroughly Diagnosed FREE OF CHARGE. 



THE WASP. 




THE TWO ORPHAN 



D. W, LAIRD, Sao. Franc isco Jewelry Manufactory, 27 



POST 

<l .- I tit l hill It 18U3.) 



ST. 



03 



ESTABLISHED 1858. 

W. K.VANDERSLICE&CO. 

MAM I t< I I III\). 

Jewelers and 
Silversmiths, 

136 SUTTER ST. 

Howard. W.iltham & Elgin 

WATCHES. 

DIAMONDS. 

OrtlerH by Mall will receive Prompt 

ami 4'ureful Attention, i.iioUn sent 

to any part uT the Mute or 

Territories 



FIRE. MARINE. : , ?■ L hotohimbon. h.b mann. 

Hutchinson & Mann, 

The Largest Ptcfflc Coast Insurance Co. ISSUHANCM AGENCY, 

\. E. t ur. t'ullforuln and SuiiHomr fcta. 

0A8B \S8ET8 REPRESENTED, $23,613,618 
w. L. Chalmers, Z. P. Ulnrk, spool*! Agents 
»ud s.ljuKti rs, Oapt, A. U. i unih, Marine 
■1'irvftynr, 




Optical Institute, 427 Kearny 

$2, $2.50 AND $3 

Euj'8 the Finest Spectacles in ex- -#% 
istence; $1, 50c. and 25c those 
of lower grade. Adjusting Spee- I 
tacles to suit the various condi- <f £_ 
tions of the sight a speeialty. NOdflLgtfS 
other optician has o can eet surh v^w."". 
facilitiesas are to be found at thi; 
establishment, because ihe in- 
strument used for measuring the 
strength of the eye is my own invention and 
patent, and is the only one ever invented that 
will give the exact amount of imperfection in 
one's sight. Beware of impostors, who tell you 
or their long experience, that they make lenses, 
etc., as the Optical Institute is the only place 
on this coast where lenses are ground to order. 
L. A. BERTELING, Scientific Optician. 
427 Kearny St. (successor to Bertlingto Watry) 



* a \ 



- ," M H t Cut this Out and Keep It for Reference. 




WEARING the DUPLEX GALVANIC BELT 
The unparalleled success of this medical belt 
in the cure of Nervous Weakness and Prostra- 
tion, Impotency, Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Dys- 
pepsia, Constipation and all Liver and Kidney 
Diseases, is attested by thousand who have been 
cured by it. It is not the only Galvanic Belt in 
the market, but it is the only one that ever re- 
ceived a silver medal as a premium. It is ur i- 
versally acknowledged to be the best in tub 
world. It is adapted to self -treatment and cure 
at home. Full instructions go with every belt. 
Prke of belt, complete, either male or female, 
$10. Sent prepaid to any address for CASH, 
or by express C-O.D. 

Address DUPLE Y « * LVANIC CO., 113 
Kearny St., San Francisco, Cal. 



OF C ALIFORM IA, 

AS8KTS 8I.SU0.U00 

Home Ofkioe: S. W. cor. Cat. £■ Samome. 

SAN MttMIMO, ■ CAL. 

D. J. Staple*. Prea. Alpfibub Btru,, Vlce-Pree. 
VV'm. J. Dtmo.N, Sec. E.W. CARPKNTBR.Ass'tSec 



THE UNIVERSAL 

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIA- 
TION of California for 
Unmarried Persons. 

OFFICE. 1038 MISSION ST. 



UgrSEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUES and LISTS 



MODEL MUSIC QTORE 
S T I Wl ARKED WUCCESS. 



HAZELTON PIANOS. 

Unequalled for Tone and Brilliancy. 

BENHAM PIANOS, HOME MANUFACTURE. 

First-Class and Medium Price. 



MARKET BBS ISSt US 



6STBEST EDITIONS SHEET MUSIC 10 CTS. A COPY. 



USE 
Dr. 




BITTERS 



HENLEY'S 

The Great Tonic of the Nineteenth Century. 



OVERLAND SHORT LINE 
General Ticket ofllre, 2 NEW MONTGOMERY ST., in Palace Hotel, 

CHICAGO & NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY 

NOT ONLY THE PIONEER LINE 

But Acknowledged to be the 

VERY BEST LINE ON THE CONTINENT. 

.1. II. PAYIES, fieneral Agent. 



" THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST." 

Total Iscrbasb over Thirteen Mill ons. 

Surplus above Liaisilitirs over Ten Millions. 

Buy your Insurance in the 

N. Y. LIFE INSURAECE CO. 

Total Assets, - $55.542 ,1)02. 72 

Total Increase, $l:f,CGI.350.4>G 

Those wishing a safe and secure Life Policy, at 

liberal terms, can apply to A. ii. HAWErt, 

Manager for Pacific Coast, 223 SAH60ME St., S.F. 



PHOTOGRAPHER. 

w Montgomery Street* Han FranclBCO. 



If. L. Dodge 
L H. Sweem 



.1. R. Kuggles, 

F. \V. Van Sicklen. 



DODGE, SWEENEY & CO., 

Wholesale Provision Dealers and 
< omniission Merchants, 

114-116 MARKET & 11-13 CALIFORNIA, 

Sole Agents for " Libby, McNeill & Libby'8 

Canned Meats," "H. M. Uiipee's Chicago Hams." 

I'. O. Box VU2. 



W. T. COLEMAN & CO . 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants, 

S. E. Cor. Market and main streets, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



I CHI BAN 



SEE ADVERTISEMENT ON DRAMATIC I'AUE. 



STEINWAY PIANOS. 

Exclusively used by PATTI, GEISTER and DOTTI. 
MATTHIAS GRAY, Sole Agent, 206 POST ST., S. F. 



SELBY SMELTING AND LEAD COMPANY, 

416 Montgomery Street, San Francisco 

Cnl.l anil Sliver Rennery and Assay Ofllec. 
Highest Prices Paid for Gol 1, Silver and Lead Ores and Sulphuretg. Manufacturers of BLUE- 
STONE. Also, Lead Pipe, Sheet Lead, Shot, etc. This Company has the best facilities on the 
Coast for working GOLD, SILVER and LEAD in their various forms. 

PRENTISS SELBY, Superintendent. 



W. G. Badger, 

SOLE AGENTS FOK 

HALLET, DAVI-i & CO'S 



CELEHHATEfi 



PIANOS. 

Geo. Woods & Co's Parlor and Vestry Organs, 
No. 13 Siinsomc Street. S. F. 




BEFORE BUYING YOUR 

SAFE 

Call and sec our largo stock. 
Second-hand Safes always 
on hand. Safes sold on the 
Installment Plan. 



Halls Safe and Lock Co., 

ail A BI3 < ALIlOltMA ST., S.F. 



GEORGE MORROW & CO-, 

Established 1854. 

Hay, Grain & Commission 

Merchants. 

SHIPPING ORDERS A SPECIALTY. 

39 Clay Street, San Francisco. 



A REVOLUTION 

IN TUB 

TREATMENT OF DISEASE 

MAGNETIC SHIELDS. 

The Great Curative Agent of 

our Times. 

RHEUMATISM, NEURALGIA 
and DYSPEPSIA cannot 
exist where these Shields are 
worn. Nothing 1 in the history 
of our world eijualsthe wonder- 
ful cures wrought by wearing 
our Mngmclle Shields. A 
single pair of our 

FOOT BATTERIES 
will convince any skeptic of the 
truth of what wo say. Try a 
pair. Price $1, by mail, to any 
addresB. Send forour new book, 
"A Plain Road to Health." Free 

Chicago & San Francisco 
Magnetic Shield Co. 
100 post stkeet, 
Han Francisco, Cal. 




Try Crittenden's 

DYSPEPSIA BITTERS. 

Office and Depot : 
1735 & 1737 MARKET ST. 

P. Dauscher & Co., Proprietors. 

E. H. Crittenden & Chas. P. Fulton, Managers. 

L. D. STONE & CO., 

(Successors to R. Stone,) 

MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF 

Harness, Saddles.Saddlery.Hard- 

ware, Collars, Whips, Ropes, 

Horse Blankets, 

And all kinds op Harness & Patent Leathers, 
422 A 42ft Battery Street, 

Cor. Washington, San Francisco. 

S. W. RAVE LEY, 

Book and Job Printer, 

518 CLAY STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery & Sanaonie, San Francisco. 



BETTER THAN GOLD. 




Budweiser 



On Draught 
only at 



The Louvre, 



JULIUS GRUEN, Proprietor, 
Phelan Block, cor. Dupont St. 



Agents 
for 



ARION 



and other 
Reliable 
Makes of 



PIANO. 



You can save 25 per 

cent, by buying 

your Piano of 



E. 



&(\(\ Music Store, 
UU. 1210 Market St 



r— ■- 



MORAGHAN'S FROZEN OYSTERS, 75c. per Can, 68 & 69 California Mar¥et. 



Coal. 



J. MACDONOUaH & CO., 41 MARKET STREET. 



Coal 




^LSk 



^.sk 



Everybodys Plumber, 

(Established I860,) 

No. 505 KEARNY ST. 



Pettijohn's 

BREAKFAST GEM 



Healthiest & Most Palatable 

Of any Cereal Food ia the World. 

MADS FROM THE CHOICEST 

SONORA WHEAT. 

It is Unrivaled In Excellence and 

Purity. It is Nutrition* an«I 

Easily Digested. It is Free 

from all Impurities. 

This Excellent BREAKFAST GEM is put up 
in 24 Packages in eauh caae. 

ALL RETAIL GROCERS KEEP IT. 




IT WILL CURE I jtiftOt j For Coughs, Colds, 
CONSUMPTION.\^^M/ WhoopingCoughsand 

P. O. Box, 1886. ^i ■ ' all Throat affections 
Address: PaSSSa Pebtwb* it has no equal . 

VALENTINE HltSIIEE. 03;! Washington SI:, cor. Vim oil, S. F. 



JNO. LEVY & CO., 

Makers and Importers of Fine Jewelry, 

DIAMONDS, PRECIOUS STONES, WATCHES, 

SILVERWARE, CARRIAGE and MANTEL 

Clocks, Opera-glasses, Pans. Ktc. , 

118 *rTTER hTEKF,'. v.n Frnnc.NfO, fal. 



GIVE THY bUN A LIBcLh'^l- LUUCaIION." 



DON'T BUT 
a DKIED-UP 
IMPORTED 

Ham ess, 
when you cau 
purchase are- 
liable home- 
ma'"ehtrneia 
for le s m.n- 

- -~T--:~^ J' - .<£ ." " = - y^^g^r**^^ cond, chea 

'^^^-a^^^^^v-^--'- ■- for Ko 15; 
price, $20 per set. Am now making of this num- 
ber 75 set psr month. Our No. 20 is waved traces, 
scalloped lays, a reliable good style business har- 
ness; price per set, $30. Now making of this num- 
ber 40sets pernunth. Don't buy until you exam- 
ine our line of work. Prices range from $10 to §90 
for single, and $20 to $200 for doul >le harness. 

W. DAVIS, 410 Market street. 
SBND FOR CATALOGUE. 




S. J. LEVY, Proprietor 
D. J. LEVY, Cutter. 



Samples 
on 
application. 




- -R5 

Dress Pants, .. 
Suits, - - - . 20 

Dress Suits, - - - 35 



1 LIFE MEMBERSHIP I j HSEND FOR 

I ONLY S70. UF CIRC 



AC IUSII ESS ft OLLEGE 

320 p i^ T 




SuEi 



In 




■flogU 



KOIILER .t CHASE, 137 to 139 Post St., 

Sole Agonts for the Celebrated 

Decker Bro'sPiauo 

Aleo for the 
FISCHEB, the BE1IEE and the 1SEIIX- 
INC Piano*. 

Cash or installments. Largest Piano and Music 
House on the Coast. 



THE BOSS, 

FOR SALE BY 

Pacific Saw 

Manufacturing Company, 
No*. 17 and 1!) Fremont Street, S. F/ 

Complete with Pacific Saw Manufacturing 
Company's Extra Blade, Set and Filed ready for 
work, $1.50 sach. 




HIBERNIA BREWERY, 



1229 HOWARD ST. 

MATIHEW NDNAN, Prop. 

HOLM' SOLD IX 

30,000 Barrels. 



"The Wine of the Elite." 




UNEXCELLED FOR 
BOUQUET! 
DELICACY! 
DRYNESS! 



ONLY PRODUCERS OF 

Natural Sparkling Wines 

ON THE PACIFIC COAST, 

530 WASHINGTON ST S.F. CAL. 
PRODUCED BY FERMENTATION IN THE BOTTLE. 



D 



R ZEI_LK'S INSTITUTE 



(Established 1852.) 



Tbc Largest, Airiest and Best 1; \ ' IIS on the Pacific Const. TURKISH, 
RUSSIAN, md.ui. Ml fill ic „r niliMiilli KATIIs tor Ladies and Gentle- 
men. All on the (.round Floor (no basement.) 

5 32 to 528 PACIFIC STREET. P. F 



INDESTRUCTIBLE 



EYE-CLASSES. 




WITII PATEliT EASY 

NOSE-PIECE. 

OPTICIAN AND JEWELER 



407 Kearny St.,\| 

Near PINE. 

Send for Catalogue. 



Charles R. Allen, 

Importer and Dealer in 
IIOI'SF. MEAH. FOIMftlCV ABTD 

CUMBERLAND COAL 

Retail Trade a Specialty. 

ISO III. \ II' STREET. 




PALACE BYE WORKS. 



HYING. CLEANING, 

AMI RESTORING. 

Best and Cheapest 

In the City. 



Main Office, 633 MARKET ST., Palace Hotel. 

Works, 310-213 RIDLEY ST. Oakland Office. 1162 IIKOIini.il, cor. 13lh. 

CHAS. J. HOLMES, PROPRIETOR. 



Merchants' and Tourists' 
Headquarters, 



THE BALDWIN.: 



The Leading Hotel of San Francisco. 

H. H. PiERSON, PROPRIETOR. 
Hnrdenbergh, Chief Clk. M. A. French, (ashler 



Buy FURNITURE of the INDIANAPOLIS CHAIR MTG COMPANY, 

750 MISSION STREET, and Save 15 per cent. Largest Stock in the City. 



2 
CD 






PFRRIFR'S FRENCH Restaurant. 



Private Booms for Families. | 
"Bancmet Hall. > 



19 & \A. O'FARRELL ST. 

I ^— OC I near Market and Dnnont.^__ 




VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 7. 



Price }■ 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, AUGUST 16, 1884. 



-! lO CENTS. 



The LARGEST HAT STOKE on this COAST. 



Herrmann, The Hatter. 

{ C. Herrmann & Co. ) 
332 to 336 Kearny Street, 

Between Bush and Pine Sts. San Francisco. 

FINEST PHOTOS IN THE CITY 

IMPERIAL GALLERY, 

72454 Market Street, 
the celebrated 

CHAMPAGNE WINES 

Of Messrs. Deutz & Gelderman, Ay, en Champagne. 

Cachet (Blanc, 7V« s*. . r^J&^&Sr* 

Cabinet Green Seal. f " Baskets. Qnorts and 

Bordeaux Red and While Wines j 1 " C 'a°"Lw™&h°'""' A " 



CHARLES MFINFCKE & CO., 

Importers and S<jle Agents, 
314 SACRAMENTO STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 

THE NEVADA BANK 

OF SAN FRANCISCO. 

CAPITAL PAID UP $3,000,000. 

Agency at New York 62 Wall Street. 

Agency at Virginia, Nevada. 
Buys and sells Exchange and Telegraphic Transfers. Issues 
Commercial and Travelers' Credits. 

CALIFORNIA 

SAFE DEPOSITITRUST CO. 

326 MONTGOMERY ST.. SAN FRANCISCO. 

J. D. Fry, Pres.; C. R. Thompson (late of Union Trust Co., 
N. Y.) Treas.; Wm. Cunningham, Sec. 

CAPITAL PAID UP AND SURPLUS, - $925,000. 

Interest Allowed on Deposits, 

At 3 per cent, per annum for Deposits to remain 30 days or 
longer ; 2 per cent, on Deposits subject to check at sight. 
Loans made on Collateral Security. 

Vault Department : Safes, $2 to $20 per month, $15 to $200 
per year. Valuables of all kinds received on Special Deposit 
for safe keeping. Open 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., S. E. cor. Montgomery 
and California Streets. Gen'l W. L. Elliott, Vice-Pres. 

F. E. R. Whitney, Sup't and Chief of Patrol. 



CHARLES DIETLE, 
PRIZE BOOT MAKER, 

235 Bush St., San Francisco. 



SHIPPER & SCHWARTZ, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

733 Market Street, - Opposite Dupont, 

san francisco, cal. 

Sol. Shipper, formerly of San Jose, and late from 
Portland, Oregon. 

PIUZE 



BOOT AND_SH0E MAKER. 
JOHN UTSCHIG, 



326 Bush Street, 



San Francisco. 



BURR & FINK, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

620 Market Street, 
opposite palace hotel entrance. 

Great Blood Purifier. 

DRINK 

African Stomach Bitters, 

Most Agreeable Tonic ever Prepared. 

THE CALIFORNIA 

Savings and Loan Society, 

JUNCTION MARKET AND POWELL STS. 



Deposits received. Loans made on city and country property 
at low rates. 

SAN FRANCISCO WIRE WORKS. 

C. H. GRUENHAGEN, 

MANUFACTURER OF 

ALL KINDS of WIRE WORK 

669 MISSION STREET, 

BET. THIRD AND NEW MONTGOMERY. 

Best Shirts, 

Underwear and Furnishing Goods. 

CARMANY, 

25 Kearny StreetI ' 



E. MARTIN & CO., 

Imtorters and Wholesale Liquor Dealers. 

"ARGONAUT," "I. F. CUTTER," and "MILLER'S EXTRA" 

Oi.i> Bolirhon Whiskies, 
408 FRONT STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 

gTUDEBAKER BROS.' 

CARRIAGES AND BUGGIES 

201-207 Market Street, San Francisco. 

"White House" Whiskies, 

Holland Gin, French Brandies, Port, Sherry, 

ETC., ETC. 

In Eonu or Duty Paid. 

GEORGE STEVENS, 

318 FRONT STREET, Room 2, SAN FRANCISCO. 

"EXCELSIOR!" " EXCELSIOR ! " 

C. ZINNS, 
FASHIONABLE TAILOR, 

5 Montgomery St. (Masonic Temple), 

SAN FRANCISCO. 

donald McMillan, 

Manufacturer and Dealer in 

SYRUPS, CORDIALS, BITTERS, EXTRACTS, 

CALIFORNIA WINES, ETC. 

714 Front Street, San Francisco. 

P. O. Box 1443. Telephone No. 87. 

Drink Donald McMillan's Celery Tonic ! 



A. S. Hallidie, Pres. 



Henry L. Davis, Sec'y. 



California Wire Works, 

Manufacturers and Dealers in every de: cription of Wire Goods, 
Brass, Copper and Iron Wire Cloth, Wire Work Railings, 
Guards, Screens, Sieves, Shade Cloth, Bird Cages, Battery 
Screens, etc. 

Office and Salesroom: 
6 CALIFORNIA ST., S. F. 



ST. 



LEMP'S 
LOUIS BEER. 



OTTO NORMANN, 

Sole Agent Pacific Coast 

WM. J. LEMP'S WESTERN BREWERY, 
st. louis, mo. 

411 Bush St., San Francisco. 

Large Stock of Eeer in Bulk and Bottles always on hand. 

&5T ORDERS FROM DEALERS PROMPTLY ATTENDED T0."t£3l 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES. ^^dTKSSSSS 11 ™ 



WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY. 

COR. I Ol KTII A BRTAVT STS., S. F., 

Manufacturers of and Dealers in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A Large A Hsortmcnt Coustn lit I v on 
Hand ami Made to Order. 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 
Guaranteed. 



Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon, 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, Han Francisco. 
Fresh Bread delivered every day and cakes 
made to Order. Sole agent for RUSSIAN 
OAVIAR and WESTPHALIA HAMS. Ger- 
man Sansagea. A. KEUSCUE. 



KOHLER & VAN BERGEN. 

FINE 
Old Table^ 
WINES. % 

ZIMMMtl'.l.. 

< i wt i: i's. 

HOCKS. 

PORTS, 

SHKRRIES.EIfalA ' '. 4'\'"?\^SQi 

— „ *j ■ ; , ■ ■ 

VAULTS: ^/ <$$£*% 
417, 419 Monfery L\ji 




Branch. : 
r to 993 Mart 

UNDER GRAND ..^M 
CENTRAL MARKET. 




^ r 



Growers aud Dealers in 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 
PRINCIPAL OFFICE: 

AI7 AIQ Montgomery St , 

•Tlf J TU SAN FRANCISCO. 



Veuve Clicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

QUARTS AND PINTS. 

A. VIGNIERTSole Agent, 

439 * 431 BATTERY ST., S. F. 



DR. HENLET'S 



CELERY 



Tie Sreatest 
lenUu 
town. 



BEEF 
IRON 



(Ileum's -Extract), 

lie woiierm Hutmive 

ail Mpratoi, 



(PTiopaiispliati), 

Tonic foi tie Blood, and 

Fool lor tie Brain.' 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERY, lately pre- 
pared and sold in Portland, Or., has been exten- 
sively used in that locality and performed many 
astonishine cures. As a NERVINE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEF and IRON has shown to possess wonderful 
power to build up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to both mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in cases of GENERAL DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA, LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared aud Sold by 

TTJTHILL, COX & CO., 

637 Clay Street, San Francisco. 



DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum § Anatomy 

751 Market St. 

GO AND LEARN HOW TO 
, avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
fully you are made. 
Private Office, 211 deary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



JOHN WIELAND. 

Proprietor, 
Second St.. nr. Folsom. S.F. 



QANCRANCISCOQTOCK DREWERT, 

Capital Stock, 



► 200,000 



OUK LAGER BEER IS 
BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAR 
RANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANY CLIMATE. 




Corner of Powell 

AND 

Francisco Streets 

Telephone 9012. 

Ale and Porter 



" JESSE MOORE 

WHISKEY." 

Superior in 

QUALITY 




The Favoiiie of Real 
Connoisseurs. 



ifloore, 

F 

JESSE MOORE & Co 
Louisville, Ky. 



B. Hum, 

San Francisco. 



J. GUNDLACH & CO. 





RIPE OLD WINES. 

(UNSURPASSED— DELICIOUS FLAVOR.) 

"Wine Vaults: Market & Second. S.F. 




THE GENUINE 

KRUG 

Champagne 

FROM FRANCE, 

IN QUARTS 



AND 

PINTS. 




For Sale 

ut all 



H. Clausen & Son Brewing Co. 
EXPORT CHAMPAGNE 

Lager Beer! 

BO.Ti.KD BY THE 

rim \i\ botil[\<; co„ new york. 

Pure, Bright and Sparkling;, and RECOM- 
MENDED BY LEADING PHYSICIANS as Best 
beer for Family Use. 

ALFRED GREENEBAUM&CO. 

Sole Agents Pacillc Coast. 

123 CALIFORNIA STREET, S. !■. 

For Sale Everywhere. 



T<" 1 D GLOVE R 




ALWAYS 
GIVE 
y SATIS- 
FACTION 



PACTOBY . No. 110 IHJPONT STBEET, 
Bet, Geary and Post, San Francisco. 



PREBL,E"S 

OREGON CIDER. 

(In Cases and Bariiels.) 
Warranted to Keep in any Cliinate- 

CAL. AND OREGON CIDER CO., 
21S DAVIS STBEET, S. F. 




SOLD BY 
DRUGGISTS 

AND 

GROCERS 

EVERYWHERE. 

Every Rottle 
Guaranteed. 



ssr_ 



TRADE 



-^STANDARD LEATHER BELTING. *■ ?■ °2°!L*" ,N - 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, AUGUST 1C, 1884. 




VK 



MRS. GAMP AND THE LITTLE PARTY. 



THE WASP. 



APRILS, 

'Twas passing sweet to cut out Brown, 
And Johnston's blank, disgusted frown 

Was comical extremely. 
Then Smith grew pale and couldn't speak 
Such undisguised emotion's weak, 

Unmanly and unseemly. 

'Tis true our picnic's queen preferred 
The poet to the common herd, 

And showed her liking plainly. 
But even slighted men should quell 
Their jealous rage — not strut and swell 

And scowl and sneer insanely. 

And yet — and yet, sweet Ethel's face, 
Her witching smile, her dainty grace, 

Her eyes — she can employ them ! 
Might madden all the men that are. 
Did I with Ethel go too far 

In striving to annoy them ? 

A triumph 'twas, I can't deny, 
To bear her off, 'neath ev'ry eye 

And row her up the river. 
So far, no doubt, 'twas very well ; 
But, oh ! what tales this rose could tell 

Of what I gave the giver ! 

There's danger in the setting sun, 
When hearts are beating but as one ; 

And, when the moon is rising, 
That summer scents and song of birds 
Should render needless spoken words 

Is really not surprising. 

When round a lissome waist has strayed 
An arm that half repulsed has stayed, 

Then silence sure is golden. 
What need of eloquence to tell 
The sweet old tale that's known so well, 

So fresh, although so olden? 

'Twere sweet forever ! "Really, Jack, 
I think it's time we started back ; 

Mamma will feel uneasy ! " 
Oh, what a nuisance parents are ! 
And — well, now, have I gone too far? 

The night's grown chill and breezy. 

MIRTHFUL MEMORIES, 



-Judy. 



Ages ago, it now appears to me, I met, at a watering place in Maine, a 
veritable flesh and blood Mrs. Partington. She was a Mrs. Godso, according 
to her spelling of her name, probably a corruption of Godchaux. Mrs. G. 
volunteered the information that the reason her husband was not with her, 
he had digestion of the lungs, and worse than that he was rupted ! (had a 
rupture?) Possibly I stared, for she went on "Yer doan un'erstan' me, I 
see. Wall, I can't talk very plain with this horrid temperate set of teeth 
which the dentist told me to wear till he got mine done. " 



One summer I was boarding at the Burnet House in Cincinnati. One 
day there came into the dining-room and sat down opposite me, a lady young 
and beautiful, whose decollete dress attracted all eyes— outstripped that of 
Mrs. Lome when she shocked the staid motherly Cauadians. I was looking 
with all my eyes, like the rest of the curious, when a gentleman approached 
her side who had with him a tot of a boy. As he lifted the child into the 
dining-chair the "broth of a bye" took the opportunity to pat, most tend- 
erly, the young lady's bare shoulders, at which she, of course, jumped. 

" Robby ! " said papa, in a low, reproving voice, "you know better than 
that. " 

" Yeth, yeth," lisped Robby, whimpering, "but, papa" (looking bravely 
into his father's eyes), "I do love low-necked girls ! " 

The ruling passion strong in infancy as in death. Then every one 
seemed to smilingly enjoy their dinner. 



On my way home at twilight one night lately I was overtaken by one of 
my neighbor's children, a mite of an old-young woman-child. As I gave her 
a bow she looked up at me and said, solemnly and slowly : " Everybody is 
having babies now. First, there is my mother, she has just had one ; then 
there is the woman who lives next door to you, she has just had one." And, 
in reproving tones, she added : " She thinks you ought to have called to 
see her before this time. Now her baby is three weekB old." 

" God bless your soul, child ! I was not aware the woman had a baby; 
tell her so, will you ? " 

" Yes. Then there is my aunt, on Folsom street, she has got another 
baby ; she brought it to our house to-day. They're all having babies ! " 

She wended her way home. Poor little sad-eyed, old-young woman- 
child, her "dolls are all filled with sawdust" but she Btnells a mouse of a 
* ( meat-baby" a mile off. 



Once upon a time, in Bloomington, Illinois, I saw an instance of marital 
supremacy in a woman which was extremely ludicrous. At the hotel where 



I boarded, there was a railroad conductor whom his wife called " Willie. J ' 
He had lately married a Kentucky girl. Her conceit was colossal. I have 
often heard her boast about "the farm paw bought for Willie." She was 
not tall, about five feet, I think, but she made it up in weight, and her 
breadth was appalling. She was not "a fine figure of a woman" to dance, 
but her husband was fond of the exercise. At the fortnightly "hops" she 
would plead with him to dance near where she was sitting, often he would 
promise to do so, but once he thought he eluded her jealous eyes. He 
skipped joyously to the end of the hall, as far from his ducky's watchful, 
irate eyes as possible. When " heigh, presto, change," Mrs. Willie slowly, 
but surely, made her way in and out between the couples on the floor, and 
coming to her ducky put her grip on his disengaged arm, saying loudly, 
screechingly : 

" Willie ! I told you not to dance with that woman, and you shan't I " 
Like a lamb to the slaughter he went with her — she waddled off with 
her ducky. 



Roving from state to state in almost Arctic weather, I stopped at a 
small hotel in Aurora, Indiana. The reception-room was cold as Green- 
land. I ordered "Fire, more fire, immediately ! " In answer to the request 
came a slight, frail-looking female with her arms full of wood. She piled it 
near the stove and began to put in all she could possibly get to go in. 
Having difficulty in getting the last stick into the now well-filled stove, Bhe 
tugged and strained, and finally burst out with : 
" Dog on it ! " 

Then she exclaimed : " There ! I promised my husband I wouldn't 
say that again," Still kneeling by the stove, she continued : "My husband 
said he would give me a gold bracelet if I would newer say that again. But " 
(poutingly) "he says ' Gee whillikens ! ' and I don't see why I can't say 
'Dog on ic ! ' " 



One summer, moving about leisurely, I missed the connection of the 
trains at Cairo, Illinois. Walking up and down the platform I came upon 
two ladies and a dude (though that was not the name such persons were 
called in those days ) He was covered from head to foot with Conceit, one 
could not fail to see Conceit, even a glance at his meaningless, smirking face 
and vegetable nose told the story. As I passed the trio I heard the elder 
lady thankiug him for attention to their wants during a short journey they 
had made in his company. 

11 Oh — ha-ha !" he replied grinning, showing all his Carker-like teeth to 
the young lady. " If you think me agreeable now, I don't know what you 
would think if you knew me better ! " 

Lifting his hat, he entered the car which bore him away. The ladies 
giggled and hugged each other all the way to the reception-room. 



One day, rambling about, enjoying the blessed air and sunshine, I found 
myself gazing into a garden where there were large syringa shrubs so fully 
covered with white flowers one could fancy they were mantled with snow. 
A woman, apparently the owner of the fine establishment, was " puttering 
about " in the rear garden. She saw my looks of admiration, came forward 
and said : 

" Would you like to have a branch from my swingler-bushes ? " 

Continuing my walk I saw, in a front yard, a woman who was picking 
the dead leaves from her plants. By her side, never leaving her for an 
instant, was a most beautiful large dog whose eyes actually looked human. 
I stopped and, speaking first to the animal, I said to the woman : " You 
have an exceptionally fine creature there, I never have seen a handsomer 
dog." 

She replied: "An entirely respectable dog — never had puppies but 
once ! " Anol. 



TOOK IT FOR A BUSTLE. 



A very pretty, modest young woman came shyly into " Hawley's " yes- 
terday. Approaching Henry, she pointed to a baseball catcher's mask in 
the show-window, and with a demi-blush timidly said : "Please let me ex- . 
amine that." *'C! " a "'- 

" Certainly," beamed the gallant Henry. Then he extricated the mask 
from among the other baseball good, while he whispered to a Cincinnati 
Commercial Gazette reporter : " One of the female nine, sure as I'm a sinner. 
Didn't know they were in town." 

The young lady turned the mask around gingerly in her daintly-gloved 
hands, examined it critically and asked with a pert, upward glance : "Isn't 
it rather short ? " 

" Oh, no — they come in that size always," smiled the blonde chief clerk. 

"I never saw one made exactly like this before — new invention, I sup- 
pose ? " ventured she. 

" Oh, my, no ; been in use three years, at least," said Henry. 

" Indeed ! How strange. Do you think they are better than th>>se made 
of whalebone ? " 

" Undoubtedly," was the ready reply, though he mentally asked, " who 
ever heard of a whalebone mask ? " 

" And the strings i " said she, turning it around. 

" Strings?" echoed Henry in perplexity. 

" That is, the straps — the fasteners — how does one keep them on?" 

" Let me show you," said Henry, reaching for it. 

" Oh, don't trouble yourself," cried she, with a half scream, and then she 
turned pale as death while Henry took the mask into his hands. 

As he stood loosening the straps preparatory to adjusting the affair, the 
customer seemed paralyzed with deep emotion, and on the verge of a dead 
faint. But when Henry pulled the mask over his face the color returned. 
She gasped for breath, opened wide her eyes, and panted : 

" Why, what in the world is it?" 

" Why, a baseball mask, to be sure; didn't you know?" smiled Henry 
through the wires. 

" I — no — that is— I thought it was a — oh, dear ! " 
Her prostrate form was laid upon the counter. — Commercial Gazette. 



THE WASP. 



8 



LITTLE JOHNNY. 



More Politics— A military Demonstration ends with the Death of a great and 
good Soldier—The Slander about Mr. Blaine's Substitute refuted by cold 

Recital of the Facts— The military Record of Govt r ■ ' "< ia land during the 

civil War— How General Logan cleaned out the South while Grant was 
spending his Time bussing around- Our young Contributor's Uncle having 
inadvertently blown »p , ( domestic Storm allays it with some oftlie current 
Literature of the CSampaicpn. 



One day me and Billy an little Sammy Doppy, the wooman wich has 
got the red head's boy, wo was a playn aoljers, and Billy he drod his wuden 
sord and sed, " Ime Napolen Bonypart, wich licked the Frenchmens an put 
em all to deth in 1842, bully for me ! " 

Then Sammy he made bleeve for to shoot of his gun, an hollerd " bang " 
and sed, "Ime Genel Wolter Tumble, wich srounded the Rootions an took 
em all prizners an made em give him all the candy up wich thay had." 

Then I wacked off the top of a weed, reel fritefle, an sed, " Ime Generel 
Blaiu, wich give the Southers their belly's ful of filing and slew Jef David 
with his own hand and set the Repubcans free." 

Then Billy he sed, " That aint so, cos he wasent a fiter, and wen he 
waB drafted as a volenteer he got a substute." 

Wen Billy sed it I was real fewrious, like 1 was a dog lite, and I spoke 
up an sed, "Then Ime the Bubstute, hooray ! " and jobbed my sticker in to 
Genel Tumble, wich fel down reel ded and said he dide for the Demcratic 
party. 

Wen we had got home I ast my father was it tru bout Mister Blain not 
Hting in the wor, an did he git a substute for to repsent him, wile he staid 
to home 1 

My father he sed, "Thats jest some of your uncle Edard's gum dasted 
Demcraticle non sense. Course it aint so, not a werd of it. You see, MiBter 
Blain he was holding a importent ofice at the time, and he cudent go to the 
wor for to lite the Demcrats leBs he rezined. So he hired a other feller to 
run the sojer bisness, wile he stuck to hia duty like a man, and puld the 
country thru. No, Johnny, dont you take no stock in that substute yarn ; 
its jest got up for pliticle effeck." 

Then I-sed wich aide did Mister Cleevland tite on in the wor, an my 
father he stomped one of his feets and sed, " Fite be blode, there aint any 
tite in him. Wile Mister Blain's hired man was galantly chargin an maken 
the whelkin wring with the rockits red glare this Cleevland chap was jest 
loafing round Buflo, a showin his self off fore the sojers whifes, an kissin all 
the girls wich wude let him, an studyin The Pirates Own Book by the light 
of a taller candle wich he stole from the skool house. Fite nothin ! Dem- 
crats dont fite less thay are cornerd, and then thay wil try for to tair down 
the corner first." 

Then I sed, "I thot thay fot Mister Blain's hired man and Genel 
Grant," and he thot a wile, my father did, and then he aed, " Wei, yes, 
thay did make a kind of a show of resistence wen thay had set up a Guvment 
in wich thay held all the offices, an our boys tride for to break it up. Yes, 
thats a fack, give Demcrats plenty of ofices and plenty of wisky an thay wil 
fite wen you try for to take a way the otices and tax the wiBky. No set of 
men is bo base as not to have no manly quollitieB at all. But, Johnny, you 
was mistook in one thing; you spoke of them fiting Genel Grant. Thats jest 
like the Demcrats their ownselfs tolks, but thay kanow mity wel it was 
Genel Logan wich thay fot, and thats wy thay got so gum dasted licked. 
Grant he dident do hardly any thing only but jest boss round." 

After a wile Uncle Ned he came in an sed, " Wot was the subject of the 
few feeble remarks with wich you ben eddifyiu the congation, Robert 1 " 

My father he sed, " I gesa a man has got a rite for to xpound the prin- 
cipples of conatutional libberty in hia own houBe to his own son, aint he ( " 

Uncle Ned he spoke up an sed, " Some says he has, an some says he 
hasent ; its a mity mixt quesion. For my part, Ime no extreemist : I take 
a middle opinion — I think he has if he is a Demcrat, but if he is a Repubcan 
he hasent; cos you know when impropper sentments is implanted erly thay 
are the devil for to get out." 

My father he was reel mad and after he had kicked Bildad, thats the 
new dog, he sed, "Edard I ben a good brother to you, an ever since you 
come back from Injy my hous and my perse has ben to yure diaposle. You 
havent had any thing to pay for pew rent, and wen yure margings on stockx 
has run lo Ive put up the mud for to back yure judgment agin my own. 
Ime free to say yure sistem law an the childern dotes on you> and you got a 
mity arausin way of tellin a fish story, but, Edard, if you dont stop Dem- 
crating round this house in the hearin of my boys I bedam if I dont bounce 
you 1 " 

Uncle Ned he had pick up a news paper an dident hear wot father was 
a sayn, but Billy he was wite like a sheet, and Moae, wich ia the cat, snook 
under the sofy, but I was reel brave, an only cried a little teeny bit. Bime 
by Uncle Ned he be gun for to read in the paper out loud : 

" Posy County, Injiany, Augst 4, 1884 : Early yestday morning a ded 
boddy, sposed to be that of a Demcrat, was found in a ole wel on the premsea 
of our ateemd towns man, John Gole, chair man of the Repubcan county 
comitty. Bleeved to have ben the werk of an incenjary. 

" Later : The body haa ben dentified by its teeths aa that of Mr. Henry 
Gole, father to our distinkwished towns man. The elder Gole will be re- 
memberd aa a diaputaahions Demcrat. The throte was cut from year to 
year, the skul split and the hart ia atil missing. He doeth all things wel. 

"" Letherhead, Arkensaw, Augst 2, 1884: A soot for divorce was begun 
yestday in Jedge Drakes court by Mrs. Nory Mowl, on the grownd that her 
husben ia a Repubcan of the meanest kind. The Jedge, wich is one of our 
noblest Demcrats of the ole sckool, saya he wil make out the decree to nite 
and hear the-evdence wen he geta back from the convenshion at Little Rock. 
" Bulbing, Mishgan, Augst 5, 1884 : In a fit of anger, the other day, a 
rascly Demcrat named Ofaherty dashed his baby's brains out aganst a stone 
wol cos some good man had tot it to say hooray for Blain. That may have 
gratifide Miater Ofaherty'a feel, but we submit that it ia no argment. 

" Mudlarkvil, Calforny, Augst 7, 1884 : An ole man wich has long ben 
spected of bein a cousin of Tom Henricks, the Demcraticle candate for Vice 



Presdent, was on Tuesday nottifide for to skip, but he had the miss fortune 
to treat the warn with silent contempt. Storms may houl and the daisy 
may raise Ned — pollitice may rage an war lift his offle frunt — but the silench 
of that feller's contempt wil never be broke. He sleeps in JefferBon. 

" Deadman'a, Calfornia, Augst 7, 1884 : Joe Doman, wich cleand out the 
Repubcan county convenson las week with a pick handle and too revolfers, 
was to day nomnated by the Demcrats for Bherritf with a unannimousness 
wich lef nuthing to be desired. He has bot Abe Joneses shot gun, an wil 
be gin his canvass immejit. 

" The pliticle pot is boiling with considdable vigger, party apirrit runs hi, 
an all the sines indcate a stirrin campane in wich the persnel merits of can- 
dates wil be sunk out of site an lost in the brodder iBhewa of national in- 
trpsts — quesiona wich wil be discust with intelgence an proffit around every 
harth stone in this vast empire of states. Now is the time for to get nate- 
ralized an have yure names put on to the grate redgister. Forwerd, freamen, 
an may God defend the right ! Subscripshion price for one year, one dollar 
an fifty cents — down with dooda ! " 

Fore Uncle Ned had stop, my father he was laughfin like his hart was 
broke, and Billy was red agin, an Moae, wich is the cat, it had come out 
from under the sofy and lay down on the rug. 
Cats cetchea mice, but Repubcans is the boas. 



THE TRAGEDY AT SAUCELITO, 



The awful facts in this matter are as follows : 

In the daily newspapers of Monday laBt appeared a long telegram from 
London, giving what purported to be the pith of an article in Lloyd's 
Weekly, Bupposed to have been inspired by the Prince of Wales. Lloyd's 
Weekly, by the way, is a workingman's paper, with the enormous circulation 
of something like a half million copies, and is edited by that scholar and 
gentleman, Mr. Blanchard Jerrold, son of the famous wit, and himself an 
author of celebrity. In England workingmen's papers are not conducted by 
workingmen. 

In the course of the article "the inspired writer" evidently quotes 
Pope'a famouB linea in the " Essay on Man " : 

" For forms of government let fools contest, 
Whate'er is best administered is best." 

Now, what did the learned night editors of our morning papers do with 
this as it came off the wires. We shall see : 

The Call : "Respecting the forms of government, he accepts the Pope's dic- 
tion that what is best administered is the best. A constitutional monarchy is the most 
economical," etc. 

The Examiner: "Respecting the form of government, he accepts the Pope's 
dictum that a constitutional monarchy is the most economical," etc. 

The Chronicle: " Respecting forms of government, he accepts the Pope's dic- 
tum that what is best administered is a constitutional monarchy, and that it ia the 
most economical," etc. 

We do not know how the other papers had it ; we have not had the 
heart to look. Let us hasten to the close of the dreadful record. 

At sunrise on the morning of Tuesday, August 12, 1884, in a little 
natural park near Saucelito, shut in on all sides by trees, three men with 
bandaged eyes knelt upon three coffins. In front of them a platoon of 
soldiers stood in a line, with leveled rifles, glancing along the barrels. The 
muzzles of theae rifles pointed to the breasts of the three men. A little 
apart at one side stood three other men, whose air and attire showed them 
to be proprietors of newspapers. Their looks were stern and pitiless. They 
did not apeak. A pair of doctors, with cases of inatrumenta, aat upon the 
grass near by. They did not look aa if they expected their aervices to be 
required, but rather as if they had been promised subjects for dissection. 
They displayed aa much frivolity as was consistent with their dismal pur- 
pose. The captain of the firing squad had already given the commands 
"Ready" and "Aim." He now turned to one of the doctors and said: 
" A night editor once called me a corporal ; my task ia not onerous." Re- 
venge and Duty when mixed do not effervesce ; the captain was impassibly 
tranquil. He now nodded and exclaimed " Fire ! " 

Each soldier drew the trigger of hia rifle ; the powder was ignited and 
burned quickly. The bullets left the muzzlea of the pieces and began their 
journey through the air. 

BASTIAR A LA BAS, 



Mr. Irving M. Scott of the Union Iron Works has unbosomed himself 
to a Chronicle reporter anent the tariff, and thinks if the tax waa removed 
the California Iron and Steel Company, and one or two more similar works, 
would be ruined. Mr. Scott Beems to have wholly forgotten another inter- 
eat, that of a numerous claas, let us hope, who buy engines, boilers and 
other such work from his establishment. Why these people should be 
mulcted in $6. 75 a ton for all they purchase he does not explain. If the tariff 
is a condition of the California Iron and Steel Works' contriving, it would 
be much better for the people of the Pacific coast to pension them off at 
treble their present wages, owners and all, and thus save a million each 
year. 

The statements respecting wages in Europe can be passed with the re- 
mark that if Mr. Scott will furnish to the Wasp a true copy of hia pay roll, 
the writer will see what can be done matching it with one from the pauper 
district abroad. 

The proposition that wages are governed by the amount of work to be 
done and the scarcity of labor, was dangerous ground for Mr. Scott's eco- 
nomics — he saw it would not do, and immediately concluded "the taking 
off the tariff will restrict demand for manufactured articles and laborers 
everywhere would be out of work." That last is a "settler." Demand or 
consumption falling off because prices are reduced ! Of such are all theBe 
protection arguments. Oh, Lord, 'how long ! Major Domo. 



Old Bibulous generally calls a pony beer an Alderney, because it is a 
short horn. 



THE WASP. 



YhzWaSp 



VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 



WHOLE NUMBER, 



SATURDAY, 



AUGUST 16, 1884. 



PUBLISHED EVEEY SATURDAY, AT NOS. 540 AND 542 CALIFORNIA STREET BY 
E. C. MACFARLANE & CO., 

Proprietors and Publishers. 

Teems to Subsobibebs : 
One copy, one year, or 52 numbers -------- $5 00 

One copy, six months, or 26 numbers - -260 

One copy for thirteen weeks 125 

Postage free to all parts of the United States, Canada and British Columbia. 
To all other countries one dollar per year extra. The country trade supplied by the 
San Francisco News Company. All Postmasters are authorized to take subscrip- 
tions for the Wasp, payable invariably in advance. 

The following agents are authorized to receive subscriptions and advertisements 
for the Wasp : In Merced, Fresno, Tulare and Kern counties, Wm. R. MoQdiddt. 
D. G. Waldbon, General Traveling Agent. 

Directions to discontinue the paper should be given in writing. 

[Entered at the Postoffice at San Francisco for transmission at second-class rates.] 

No questionable advertisements will be inserted in this journal on any terms. 

That the political ambition of Ben Butler could ever seriously affect the 
destiny of this country is a proposition that two decades ago would have 
been thought monstrously and undebatably absurd. North and South the 
man was detested with a lively sincerity that would have embittered the life 
and disposition of a rattlesnake ; the very soldiers who had followed his 
brutal blundering to unspeakable defeat — traditionally tender tie ! — abhorred 
him. Abroad, his name, like that of a certain obscene demon in Oriental 
mythology, was ignored with a deep and reverent abomination* : he was 
mentioned as The Beast. He had made his country infamous and dimmed 
the splendor of a success that was achieved despite his assistance. Openly, 
day after day, men stood up in public place and called him thief and worse 
than thief. He was an incarnate bad odor from which every honest nose 
averted itself with such a sense of terror as noses are permitted to experi- 
ence. To-day this horrible man's ambition to be President is a disturbing 
energy in national politics and may have a determining importance in the 
present canvass. This year it may elect Blaine, four years hence, himself. 
The rising of Ben Butler to power has been accurately synchronous and cor- 
respondent with the sinking of national morals. The people of this coun- 
try are as much worse to-day than they were twenty years ago as Ben Butler 
is now nearer the Presidency than he was then. It is not that a new gen- 
eration has grown up that does not know him for the rascal that he is, but 
that both the old generation and the new regard rascality as a political 
virtue, their graded esteem of all rascality tending to make all successful. 
Of the hundreds of intelligent and educated men who to-day op°nly or 
covertly support Butler's candidacy ; of the hundreds of thousands of voters 
who will cast their ballots for him next November, not a dozen believe that 
he cares a tinker's imprecation for any principle or policy that has not a self- 
ish end ; that he has a conviction which he would not readily recant at the 
bidding of his ambition ; that he has the interest of the working men at all 
at heart ; that he would hesitate to confuse the counsels of his country, aug- 
ment its ills, debauch its conscience and whelm it in anarchy if so he could 
better pillage its coffers to fill his own, gratify his impish vanity, or wreak 
upon men of birth, worth and cultivation the vengeance of a peasant soul. 



For some years a cremation society has dragged along a hopeless kind 
of existence in this city, doing nothing to justify its name and permitting 
itself to be baffled by a state law that requires all dead bodies to be buried 
a stated number of feet under ground. This law, we believe, it has made 
some sickly attempt to get repealed ; but in all things, so far as we have ob- 
served its work, it has itself been a most proper object for cremation. It is 
now announced that Dr. Holland, not having the fear of the law and the 
parsons before his spectacles, is actively engaged in importing a crematory 
that will efface a dead body in an hour, leaving only a few ounces of ashes. 
No doubt he will encounter the customary opposition that is always hot to 
bestride the path of reform. A yappeting and yelling pack of sentimental- 
ists will endeavor to test the quality of his calves and abate the free play of 
his tendon Achilles. There are people who are affected with a sense of some 
intimate and necessary connection between the decay of the body and the 
immortality of the soul, and feel that they will never " see God in the 
flesh " unless the flesh shall have been purified in the digestive apparatus of 
worms and beetles. A still smaller but noisier class openly boasts the con- 
viction that Omnipotence, bent upon the resurrection of the body, will 



.find it a more difficult task to collate particles that have been dispersed by 
heat than to get together those scattered by the form of decomposition that 
custom has endeared to the human heart. Indeed, a certain Catholic priest 
of this city has bitterly denounced cremation as a sacrilegious attempt to 
thwart the divine will. Dr. Holland must expect this entire foolage to be 
down upon him like an army with banners. It is possible that he does not 
mind. 



The Federal courts in this state have become an immitigable nuisance. 
We do not know what it is in the atmosphere of Federal judicial authority 
that makes its possessor a fool, but there appears to be something. As the 
horse — most useful and beautiful of animals as he is — gives off some subtle, 
immoral emanation that debases the character of men who are too much 
about him, causing them to wear audible apparel and carry lady's-leg canes, 
so the United States Bench, we are convinced, exhales some invisible energy 
that pervades the person and destroys the mind. The latest decision of 
Judge Sawyer (in the Chinese habeas corpus case) is only one of a long line 
of illustrations that might be cited. For a single example, take Judge 
Hoffman's decision that in the Chinese restriction act the word "merchant" 
does not signify merchant, but one who intends to become a merchant. 
Less baldly and nakedly idiotic, but more intrepidly outrageous, is this pres- 
ent decision of Judge Sawyer, that a Chinaman has the right to come here 
on parole evidence that he formerly resided here but left after the treaty 
with the Chinese Emperor wa3 signed, and before the signing of the first 
restriction act. Of course there is no warrant in the amended act for any- 
thing of this kind-; by its provisions a returning Chinaman can be admitted 
only on a certificate issued by the Customs authorities and given him at the 
time of his departure. There is nowhere in the law any recognition of 
parole evidence — nowhere any recognition of the right of a Chinese laborer 
to return without a certificate. In order to make the contrary appear, Judge 
Sawyer had to take clauses from the first act and clauses from the second act 
and ingeniously fit them together, leaving out such words as did not suit his 
purpose. This he did with a cunning hardly inferior to that of an ordinary 
lunatic engaged in convincing the Virgin Mary in the opposite cell that twice 
two are a Gothic pig with a scarlet bowsprit. We speak of this remarkable 
performance as Judge Sawyer's decision because it was delivered by him, 
but it represented the combined wisdom of himself and Judge Hoffman. It 
requires two Federal judges to find grounds for a decision like that — one to 
throw the dice and another to miscount the spots. 



Republicans have been waiting with some impatience for their National 
Central Committee to perfect the evidence in the matter of Mr. Blaine's 
private immorality. For weeks Mr. Cleveland's popularity with the sovereign 
electors (and their sovereign electrices) has been steadily augmenting under 
the charges of unchastity that his supporters had the forethought to bribe 
God's people to disseminate through the religious press. A strong popular 
pressure has been brought to bear upon the Republican managers to give 
their candidate the advantage of a similar recommendation, but until a few 
days ago Mr. Blaine, in deference to his wife's invincible prejudices, refused 
to put them in possession of any facts upon which to found a scandal worthy 
of the man and the hour. In the meantime, his Democratic opponents, 
justly proud of their own "standard bearer" as a sad- dog, and exulting in 
the prospect of his triumphant election on " the old Adam " issue, were piti- 
lessly pelting the " plumed knight " with such galling epithets as "saint," 
"vestal virgin," "Joseph," and similar terms of opprobrium and contempt. 
The outlook was black for Republican success. At last Mrs. Blaine with- 
drew her opposition on condition that her husband's peccadilloes should be 
alleged to have occurred at a date not later than thirty-five years ago — sev- 
eral years before their marriage. The managers urged that this was delib- 
erately throwing away all the advantage of having a married candidate, but 
it was the best they could do and they accepted the terms, and were supplied 
by Mr. Blaine with the name and postoffice address of a young woman whom 
he had kissed several times in his youth. With these materials they set to 
work and the result is before the country. It is not as good a scandal as 
that in which Mr. Cleveland rejoices, but by ingeniously inducing several 
ostensibly Democratic papers to promise further developments, its authors 
have for the present stayed the formidable " bolt " that was thinning the 
Republican ranks. But the women are for Cleveland, to a man. 

Some of our esteemed though Democratic contemporaries appear to be 
unduly concerned to clear the character of Governor Cleveland with refer- 
ence to the two men whom, in the exercise of his duty as sheriff, he hanged. 
It is hardly necessary for our contemporaries aforesaid to say anything in 
disparagement of the men whose thrapples Mr. Cleveland constricted ; hia 
best vindication lies in the death warrant directing him in regular form to 
hang the men. Had they been as pure as the angels he could hardly have 
been expected to spare them. That one of them had killed his mother, and 
that the other was a notorious Republican — these circumstances though re- 
volting are irrelevant and immaterial. 



THE WASP. 



P RATTL E . 



The New York Tribune and other Republican journals are reproducing 
from old issues of Harper's Weekly its cartoons in ridicule of Lincoln. 
Young man, do you get on to it? It proves that Mr. Blaine would make a 
better President than Mr. Cleveland. 



' Old soldiers' reunions" for weeks 

Have afflicted the North and South ; 
And the "orator" commonly speaks 
For hours with his mouth. 

O what are these gatherings fur ? 

And when will this amity cease ? 
For what are the horrors of war 

To the horrors of peace ? 

To the cannon's mouth, when it sends 
Forth its flame, I can saunter and sing ; 

But the orator's mouth— ah ! my friends, 
'Tis a different thing. 



If the reporters can not, or will not, stop saying that injuries from ac- 
cidents are "sustained" they might at least limit the misuse of the word to 
instances that are not fatal. " He sustained injuries of which he died " is a 
locution that is idiotical altogetherly, meriting a rare and nialiloquent dis- 
esteem. 



A fearless journal of straight forth speech is better than an apple and 
more charming than a red wagon, and the Alia is that way. In the cold 
and austere judgment of that sheet, the "bosses" of sailor boarding-houses 
along the water front " do not, as a class — whether justly or not — rank very 
high." A newspaper affected by considerations of prudence would have 
commended the poisoned chalice to their lips with a more amiable civility. 



It is gratifying to know that the explanation of Governor Cleveland's 
" immoralities" is acceptable to Mr. Beecher. Mr. Cleveland has now only 
to satisfy the devil and his vindication may be considered complete. 



An editor man in his office chair 

Had peace in hia heart and ink in his hair. 

The printer man's devil appeared — "Ho-ho ! 
A visitor man is in waiting below." 

" Show him up," the great man said with a drawl ; 
The devil evanished him into the hall. 

Then up from his chair, with a spirited bound, 
The editor sprang and spun it around 

(For it turned on a screw — you could raise it or low'r, 
Up to the ceiling, or down to the floor) — 

Spun it and spun it with might and main 
Till it wearied his arm and dazed his brain — 

Until he'd exalted it several feet, 
And made it a truly commanding seat. 

Then another chair for his guest he set 

And turned it down, down, as low as 'twould get — 

Tugged at it, jerked and whirled it more, 
Till it stuck, and he sweated at every pore. 

" Ha-ha ! Mr. man, I have got you ! See that/ 
Who wrote it?" — ferociously. " Sit, please." He sat- 

Yes, the scene to prolong ere his triumph, that chap 
On humility's stool made a V of his lap. 

While the editor, throned with majestical pose, 
Looked tranquilly down from each side of his nose, 

Which rose in the middle, dividing the look, 
As a rock parts the flow of a stately brook. 

There's little to tell, for the visitor felt 
His spirit forsake him, his confidence melt. 

In the talk that ensued he had, from the start, 
No stomach for anger, for battle no heart, 

And soon, ere he knew it, he'd stammered and grinned 
A thousand beg-pardons for having been skinned. 

Then that editor said, as his chairs he unspun : 
" Twill beat any top-lofty son of a gun." 



It is submitted that the political course of the New York Sun commands 
undue attention. In point of neither ability nor circulation is the Sun in 
any way remarkable among daily newspapers. Mr. Dana is not a very good 
writer, nor in respect of character is he distinguished above his contempora- 
ries. What, then, is the secret of this consuming anxiety as to what he 
means to do 1 It is very simple — no one knows what he means to do until 



he does it, nor how long he will continue to do it when he has begun. By 
surrounding himself with a fog he magnifies himself many diameters. A 
man in the dark is of infinitely livelier interest and more formidable import- 
ance than a man in the light. He may sit, but we fancy we hear his foot- 
falls ; we louk behind us ; we invoke imagination's aid to the disclosure of 
his personality and purpose. Every glimpse of him startles, and his vanish- 
ing disquiets more than his apparition. We may not expect what he says 
to be wise, nor what he does to be great, but if we at all care to hear and 
observo we must be alertly attentive. So long as Mr. Dana thinks it worth 
while to be a mystery fools will think it worth while to unveil him. 



The workmen all were out in force — 
Their foreman was to leave them ; 

Loving that worthy man, of course 
The parting could but grieve them. 

Long years his mild, benignant reign 
Their welfare had promoted : 

To him they had a watch and chain 
Unanimously voted. 

While these to tender was the aim 
And object of their massing, 

Their foreman's young successor came, 
And sourly scowled in passing. 

Then rose an aged workman who 
For baldness was respected, 

And whom — for he was toothless, too — 
As spokesman they'd selected. 

He said : " My mates, I've got a plan 
For to propoge — I think its 

More wiser onto that young man 
For to confer them trinkets." 



The anonymous author of A California Pilgrimage is "cracked up" by 
the Chronicle as one who handles " the English hexameter " with ease, and 
"shows unusual resources in the way of invention and technical skill to 
preserve his work from monotony. " Now, in the first place, there is no such 
thing as "English hexameter"; even Longfellow's "Evangeline" being in 
no just sense hexametrical, with the exception of rare and not very pleasing 
lines, too few to give character to the performance. In the volume under 
consideration there is not one line that is a hexameter. Take the specimen 
presented by the Clvronicle to justify its praise, break the lines as they break 
themselves, and we have this : 

To Lone Mountain's height ascending, 

Stood the Spaniards in amaze 
At the fair Campina spreading 

God's good picture to their gaze : 
At their feet the rippled sand dunes — 

Billowy waves far up the shore, 
Piled by tireless winds that drive their 

Ocean brothers ever more ; 
Toward them swept the boundless ocean, 

Tawny 'neath autumnal glow ; 
Calm its waves as when Balboa 
Named it El Pacifico. 
If these commonplace trochaics become hexameters by running eight of 
their feet into a single line, there has been a new deal in prosody since Cali- 
fornia poets began to illustrate its principles by violating them. 

You ask me why this bard obscure 

And critic base I'm scoring. 
Observe and you'll agree, I'm Bure, 

That neither's worth ignoring. 



The new ambition of the Call's theater reporter to cut his name in the 
bark of a bay-tree on " Fame's eternal camping ground " by writing metrical 
epigrams is commendable and pleasing. I welcome him to illustrious com- 
pany. I take him by the hand and lead him into the Happy Valley, where 
Hector Stuart doubles himself above hiB paper and makes copious protrusion 
of tongue ; where Theresa Corlett counts disobedient syllables on her fingers 
and toes ; where Mr. Pickering walks moodily apart, muttering imperfectly 
evolved Thou -art-gone -to- the-graves, and lesser bards abrade their tender 
fingers on the lyre. Enter, bright spirit, and be one of us. Mr. Dam, will 
you kindly chuck one of those Post-poets into the River of Song, and make 
room for this gentleman on the bank ? 

The Caledonian wit who writes 

The Chronicle's " Undertones " 
No surgical operations invites, 

Yet a headful of jokes he owns. 

But while their recital makes him grin 

Their meaning is still in doubt : 
The knife that was needless to get them in 

Is needed to get them out. 



6 



THE WASP. 



VARIATIONS, 



The Philadelphia Press says : "An incident which points to a startling 
deterioration in the value of girls comes from Berks county, where, by the 
latest estimate, a girl seventeen years old is only worth ten dollars. The 
Poor Directors offered this reward for the return of one who escaped from 
the Alms-House. This should not be the case, and all such attempts to 
cheapen our girls should be frowned down." 

The Press need not be alarmed. In most places girls are still held 
dear. 



A New York letter states that women no longer 
that " the reign of artificial color is over." 
Yes, all over the country. 



-ouge and powder- 



WHAT SHE SAW AT THE FAIR. 

Waltz ; Over Land and Sea. Gungl. 
* Far, far away, where Fusiyama's snow-crowned top uprears." 

At th' Fair, with its din as of harvest cicadas, 
A bubble full-blown, all agleam and aglow, 

I watch the high tide of the blithe promenaders, 
Or spray of the fountain pulsating below. 

"Society" passes, repasses, "exhibited," 

For there goes the cynic, here comes the fool, 
Here beauty, there money, with thousands not " ticketed,' 
And, as in Time's whirligig, change is the rule. 

With farmers and priests mingle soldiers of " Ours," 
Grave dandies, gay diplomates— all sorts combined, 

Soon lost in the circling crowd, faces, like flowers 
Once passed in a wildwood, bloom on in my mind. 

The color and glitter, strange eyes glances hurling, 
The wonders of science and treasures of art, 

The breezes of perfume, the throng idly whirling, 
Can only chaotic impressions impart. 

Ah ! Gungl's weird waltzes ! Upwaf ted I'm flitting 
To realm of enchantment on melody's wing ; 

I leave but my shape in the balcony sitting 
And flee like an arrow from loosened bow-string. 

/ soar and I soar aver leagues of wide ocean 

To bay full of pyramids green, that uplift 
Strange, ancient, white temples that feel the cloud-motion^ 

O'er columns of lava far inland I drift. 

Thin vapors ascend from the mountains on picket, 
Through forest to sea their long water-falls gleam ; 

A verdant savanna the dense bamboo thicket, 

Where o'er bed of porphyry flows milk-white stream. 

I breathe the rich scent of colossal magnolias, 
Each luminous chalice like moonlight made real; 

Behold the cool blossoms of lofty camellias 
That soulless, like Undine, await touch ideal. 



In this sylvan scene comes my quest to blest t 

Where leafy trail winds through a warm twilight dim, 

A solitaire horseman his slow way is wending 
With visions of one who is dreaming of him. 

A subtle, svjeet sense of her earnest remembrance 

Pervades tlie girVs picture concealed in his breast, 
Invoked by the spell of his gaze on that semblance, 

My spirit discerns my own image caressed 1 
# * * * * 

The music is finished. Above the confusion 

The cynic I hear as he carelessly leaves — 
1 Yes, all things must end. By its very conclusion 

The Fair is made charming, perfection achieves." 

Ah, no ! When " this world's fleeting show " is past noting, 

In harmony blent still our spirits shall be ; 
Together arise, into Paradise floating, 

Through space and through time, Over Land Over Sea! 



Somebody writes to the Stockton Mail to inquire if, upon sitting down 
in company, it is a breach of etiquette to pull up the trowsers to prevent 
their bagging at the knees. It is a double breach — in fact, more breeches 
than etiquette. Major Key. 

POLITICAL NOTES. 



A life-like photograph of John A. Logan is in circulation as a Democratic 
campaign document. No political organization has yet taken the name of 
"Cleveland and Hendricks Detestables. " The implement hitherto known 
as a "jimmy " is now called by Republican burglars a " trover." The grand 
old party — Tilden. It is not denied that when Sheriff Cleveland hanged 
his man he made a good job of it ; the knot remained where it would do 
the most good. When Blaine was drafted he furnished a substitute so 
promptly that he was rewarded with the title of "Colonel." Hendricks 
belonged, during the war, to a military company of Home Guards, whose 
constitution provided that in the event of an invasion by the enemy they 
should disband. A woman in Ohio declares she will not wash her face till 
Cleveland is elected. She has not washed it since Lincoln was elected. The 
gospel according to St. John — Prohibition. Secretary Folger is confident 
that Cleveland cannot carry New York. Receivers of stolen goods in Wash- 
ington are unanimous for Butler. 



Two instantaneous cures of paralysis are reported in one day's dispatches 
— one by lightning and one by prayer. We may expect something like this : 
Physicians of the Future (writing): "R. Three deacons every half 
hour. If no relief in twenty-four hours, expose patient to a cracking thun- 
der storm with his feet in a tub of water and a lightning-rod in his hands 
held against his stomach. Repeat." 



A VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS. 



Mr. J. Richards, the President of the San Francisco Tool Company, has 
published a pamphlet entitled Practical Views on Protection. In his prefa- 
tory remarks, Mr. Richards explains that he is now, and for twenty years 
has been, "directly interested in manufacturing, here and in England — 
under a tariff [protection] and under free trade " ; that he has been "an 
exporter from America and an introducer of American manufactures in 
Europe," and has sent goods " into the leading markets of the world from 
both countries." Certainly he ought to know something about the practical 
effect of protection — that is to say, the effect upon manufacturing industries 
and the exchange of commodities, as distinguished from the effect upon the 
understandings of politicians and closet "thinkers." With the advantage 
derived from the nature and scope of his business, this author is able to 
write like a man who knows exactly what he is talking about. We have not 
the space to review his work at length, but in the interest of common sense 
we cannot forbear to append a few of his postulates, referring the reader to 
the pamphlet itself for their justification, and assuring him that he will 
there find it abundantly set forth : 

" A tariff on imports is a method of taxation by which the burden falls on consump- 
tion instead of wealth or property." 

" This protection is not against foreign imports, but against other untaxed industry 
at home ; the import tax is not paid by the foreign shipper, but by the consumer 
here." 

" The Government not being itself a producer of commodities, and without power 
to change commercial values, can ' protect ' one industry only by taking from another 
industry." 

" The enhanced values caused by a tariff appear mainly in material and expense, 
scarcely affecting wages ; hence the main burden of taxation falls on the poor." 

" A tariff does not protect from foreign importation; if it did there would be no 
revenue." 

" There are in this country 700,000 people working at 'protected ' industries, 2,000,000 
at unprotected industries, and 7,500,000 engaged in unprotected agricultural pursuits. 
Thus the whole benefit of ' protection,' granting all its advocates claim for it, is con- 
fined to one person in thirteen. Thirteen persons pay away a fourth of all they ex- 
pend to provide employment for one." 

(( The honesty and fairness of such a tax is not believed in by any one " — too strong 
a statement, we think. " Travelers by the transatlantic lines know the common senti- 
ment among American passengers respecting smuggling No people have 

ever regarded import duties as an honest method of taxation." 

" There is not at this time living any man of eminence as an economist that does 
not condemn protection as a fallacy, defeating the very ends for which it is adopted." 

We have nothing but commendation for this work ; it embodies most of 
the views that this paper has been urging for years. It is well printed, by 
Frank Eastman & Co. , 509 Clay street, San Francisco. 



AN EXCITED INSECT. 



We have received the following ebullition of ill-feeling from a bee which 
General Barnes may sometime have brushed away in his path through life. 

A speech which I dreamed I had the audacity to deliver before that 
potentate of lawyerdom, W. H. L. Barnes : 

" August pomposity ! I bow before you. With the shades of Webster, 
Clay, Sheridan, and even the immortal Daniel O'Connell, I bend. Indeed, 
you are great, wonderful, and, in your military uniform, magnificent. I 
confess that your grandiose eloquence stupefies me, and your big house on 
Sutter street fills me with admiration. Nevertheless, W. H. L., frown not 
upon me if, like the slave behind the chariot of the Roman Emperor, I ad- 
dress a few words of warning to you amidst the blaze of your splendor. All 
earthly glory, however extensive and surpassing, must come to an end. 
Babylon, Carthage and imperial Rome — each in turn came to an end ; and 
you, William H. L. Barnes, will one day be carried out through the front 
door, feet foremost. Even the ladies — ah ! my boy, I am very well aware 
that it is not only in the halls of Justice that you are accomplished at court- 
ing — even the ladies, who now look on you so admiringly, should they come 
into too close contact with you on this occasion, would pinch their offended 
nostrils with their delicate fingers and exclaim, 'Phew ! ' 

" After all, there have been others who were really greater than you. 
You have not yet conquered the world, like Alexander, Caesar or Napoleon, 
and it is only too likely that the steam engine and telegraph would never 
have evolved from your brain. 

" A flying machine is patiently waiting to be invented, but I am pretty 
sure you will never bring it to light. The North Pole still points its icy 
finger at you in cold derision, and to crown all, you have not even yet been 
President of our own United States. Therefore, W. H. Ell, reflect. Re- 
flect on the time, 3000 years hence, when, perhaps, a party of geologists, 
making excavations on Lone Mountain, will come across your conglomerated 
remains and bear them in triumph to the Academy of Sciences, to deter- 
mine what sort of a fossil you were." Bumble Bee. 



The Peace Conference which has been sitting at Berne has risen. The 
result of its deliberations would probably have been the abolition of war, 
but unfortunately a distinguished member made a disagreeable allusion to 
the illustrious chairman, and that person replied with an ink-pot. There 
are no spittoons in Europe, but for a moment the air of the hall was counter- 
vexed with cross-purpose flights of unassorted portables, impinging rudely 
on peace-loving pows. The nations will "learn war," as usual. 

Down in San Bernardino, the other day, a man named Peck — a sociable 
cuss — met an ailing friend and by way of accentuating his kindly regard for 
him struck him on the chest quite cordially, uttering a hearty salutation in 
the manner of his kind. The friend responded with a gush of blood from 
the lips, but didn't say anything, much — "my God," or some light remark 
of that kind — and at last accounts was engaged in dying, stonily regardless 
of the wishes of Mr. Peck, whom may the Lord call for right away, together 
with the whole idiotry of sociable cussqs, hearty greeters and good fellows 
generally. 

The small boy who hangs around the parlor and makes faces at his 
sister's beau should be punished for contempt of court. 



THE WASP. 



THE UNAPPRECIATED ARTIST. 



All great musicians must succumb 
To him who plays the kettle-drum ! 

No bigger man the best bands know 
Than he whose drum-sticks jig-like go. 

First to the key-note's anxious hum 
He tunes the kettle— turn? turn? turn? 

Then pounds away in greatest heat, 
His gaze fixed on the leader's beat. 

Through bars of re3t he folds his arms 
With conscious dignity that charms. 

But when great armies marching come, 
How wildly bangs his bum ! bum ! ! bum ! ! ! 

The monster drum, and cymbals too, 
Have, in some places, work to do. 

Another time — how soft and sweet ! 
We hear hiin on triangle beat. 

From tambourine and Castanet 
The baflct toes their timing get. 

What vim ! what verve ! he must be spry 
Nor let the chime of bells go by. 

Yet all unknown this genius stays, 
Wins no applause and wears no bays ! 

— Translated from the German hy E. F. Dawson. 



A WOMAN'S JOURNAL, 



LV. 



Thursday, August 7th. 
" Fire in the Wasp office, I hear," said the Cynic, late and incorrect in his 
information, as usual. " I suppose it caught from the Prattler's productions 
and was put out with yours." 

Saturday, 9th. 
I wonder if Blaine thought how he was committing himself on the tariff 
question when he said in his speech to the Grand Army of the Republic that 
"North and South, Ea3t and Wt*st would find protection under the flag." 

Sunday, 10th. 
He was not good, 

She felt and knew it in her wiser mood ; 
And others said his life was soiled and wild, 
But purest heaven dawned on her when he smiled. 

She was not wise, 

He might have read her whole heart in her eyes ; 
But just because his love was otherwhere 
He entertained an angel unaware. 

She was not kind. 

Though she was thankful that he was so blind, 

Since he cared nothing, so she often said 

Keen, mocking words at which her own heart bled. 

When he was dead. 

His soul made free, risen from the grave's dark bed, 
Saw, haply, all her waywardness made plain — 
Saw her grown stronger by love given in vain. 

Monday, 11th. 
I called on young Mrs. Poivrier to-day. She is a lady with views and a 
temper. I ventured to apologize for not having returned her pleasant visit 
sooner, when her black eyes brightened and she harangued me in this way : 

" Now, please don't make excuses, and, above all, don't tell me how often 
you've tried to come and have been prevented, for it's simply the most aggra- 
vating thing you can Bay. I like my friends ; I like to call on them and I 
like to have them call on me— the ofiener the better ; but if they only come 
once a year, .why, I infer that good and sufficient reasons kept them away, 
and since there they are I know it was no lack of cordiality. Only, mind 
you, I have lived quite long enough in the world to know that what a per- 
son wants to do very much she is very likely to accomplish, and the aggra- 
vation lies in rubbing it in that calling on me was the thing that was easy 
to put off for the things that you really wished to do. I don't expect to be 
the first interest of all my friends, but I don't want to be told that I'm not. 
Neither do I want my friends to consider calling on me one of those grind- 
ing necessities which must be complied with at the sacrifice of pleasanter 
things. I and my door-bell and my parlor are permanencies, and at the dis- 
posal of my friends when they wish to make use of them, and often or sel- 
dom. Do you catch my meaning?" 

" I think I do,"' said I, " but I also think you are unju3t. You might in- 
vite a woman to dinner, and the next week, when etiquette requires her call, 
her husband might fall down stairs and break his nose and require mustard 
plasters every fifteen minutes for a month at her wifely hands. When she 
finally appeared you might never have heard of her lord's disaster and you 
might think her underbred, when she was only unavoidably detained. I 
think ahe should excuse herself and that you should receive her excuses." 

" Not at all," bounced Poivrier ; "I know what women on my visiting 
list are underbred, and they would be so if they returned their dinner calls 
the next day. This suppositii us guest might say in the course of conversa- 
tion, l Have you heard of my husband's accident?' and go on to describe 



and date it and leave my great mind to make the connection between his ill- 
ness and her social dereliction." 

When anybody says supposititious, just as if she had toyed with it in her 
nursery, it always leaveB my saile of conversation flapping limp and wind- 
lesB. I feebly changed the Bubject to the mezembryanthemum and odonto- 
glossum. 

Tuesday, 12th. 
Of all the hideous pictures 

That hang on memory's wall, 
My present breakfasts and dinners 
Surely surpass them all. 

There once was a Chinese steward, 

With eyes that were dark and deep, 
And he saved me a splendid breakfast 

While I had my morning sleep. 

With innocent heart and confiding, 

To dinner I always was late, 
Well knowing he thought of my comfort — 

Iced the water and heated the plate. 

Too soon did he flit and evanish, 

My hours I can't possibly change, 
But the way his successor neglects me 

Would an anchorite's stomach derange. 

So of all the horrible pictures 

On memory's wall in a bunch, 
The worst are my breakfasts and dinners, 

Only save and excepting my lunch. 



Jael Dence. 



PICKED UP ON THE CAMPUS, 



Bob Burdette Attends Several Commencements. 



To-day ! We stand on the threshold ! We stand there ! Waiting ! 
To be asked in. Life ! Is a river ! We meet it boldly ! Hope, courage, 
and high purpose thrill our hearts ! We cannot tear aside the veil that hides 
the future from our view. The future ! Is before us. The past ! Is be- 
hind us. The present, however, stays right by us. We do not fear it. We 
press bravely on. Onward and upward ! The hour strikes the noontide of 
the world. With resolute hands we grasp the shadows on the dial. Behind 
us, is the school. A long ways behind us, the most of it. Before us lies 
the world. We accept it. Grave are the responsibilities of the trust ; espe- 
cially the trust fund. But we accept them. Life long will be the labor of 
reform. We have put our hands to the plow, and we will never look back, 
until we get to Canada, whence we may look back in safety, and become lions 
and ornaments in Canadian society. 

As the years roll on, which they will probably do, we will never forget 
our Alma Mater, but we will shake things up on the street ourselves, and if 
there iB any re-hypothecating to be done, inquire within. Hoc tempore, the 
world is in bad form. Vice rules the world. Banos vivos take back seats in 
the convention. Lupus sits in the high places and judges of the people in 
the gates, while Agnus ekes out a precarious existence in the wool business. 
Our rulers wallow in vice. The temples of commerce are as dens of thieves. 
Mistrust, guilt and suspicions stalk through the land, nudus membra. All 
this has come to pass while we are at college. But we will reform all this 
sort of thing now. Not this week, because this week the gods look down 
from high Olympus to see the boat race. Next week the world holds its 
breath while our baseball match is played, and week after that the sun 
stands still upon the Gibeon and the moon in the valley of Ajalon, while we 
play the closing game of lawn tennis for the championship. But after that 
we will mount our bicycles and go forth conquering and to conquer. 

Life is an ocean ! Let us, then, cleanse its Augean stables of this blight- 
ing leprosy and beard this lion in the bud, and, in the gathering gloom which 
marks the footprints of decay, throttle it in its cradle, ere yet its black 
wings shall strike its f*ngs deep into the soil of American freedom and with 
a Judas kiss betray our fondest hopes and brightest dreams into the sand- 
swept waste of this sirocco- stricken maelstrom that yawns at your feet, 
waiting for some self-sacrificing Curtius to lay the axe at the root of this 
deadly upas tree that shadows all the land with the lurid light of its basilisk 
eye, which, siren like, charms with its delusive song, only to chill into pulse- 
less" stone with the Gorgon horror of its icy blast. 

A CRUEL JOKE. 



Ned Buckley, the actor, is chock full of conceit, and he is never happier 
than when he is letting people know that he is the leading man of a Union- 
square company. Once he was traveling with the company on an Eastern 
railway, and Charlie Frohman and Dive Belasco happened to be with the 
party. Miss Maud Stuart was reading a little book of poems, and called 
Mr. Buckley's attention to the peculiar beauty of certain verses. " Stop ! " 
cried Buckley, " you are not reading those verses correctly ; let me show 
you." And with that he took the book from Miss Stuart, stood up in the 
aisle of the car and commenced reading in a loud and impressive tone. Of 
course he attracted the attention of every passenger present. A hurried 
whispering between Frohman and Belasco resulted in the latter's approach- 
ing Buckley and mysteriously whispering in his ear : " For heaven's sake 
sit down ! You're making a holy Bhow of yourself. There's an awful rip 
in your pants ! " Poor Buckley turned the seven colors of the rainbow, 
broke out into a cold sweat and dropped limp and helpless into a seat, from 
which no inducement could tempt him, until several hours later, Frohman 
explained that it was all a joke, and that his apparel was in a sound condi- 
tion. But the little incident served to keep Buckley in a state of unusual 
and gratifying reserve for a whole week. — CJdcago Daily News. 



11 He is the Great American Artist." 
" Indeed ? 1 never knew he used the pencil at all." 
" Oh, yes, he's fine. Come down some day and see him draw his salary. 
It's the best thing he does." — Boston Budget. 



1= 



ASP 



ZyfA 







10 



THE WASP. 



THE HORSES OF THE ANTIPODES, 



One night I was in a little red and gold parlor after a dinner with inti- 
mate friends. The night was mild, and through the half-open door came the 
perfume of flowers in the little garden— perfume which on entering the room 
mingled with the curling smoke of the Turkish cigarettes we were smoking. 
Around the card-table the calm profiles of the whist players were darkly de- 
fined against the light of the lamps helmeted with their green shades. 

While the cards noiselessly circulated over the green cloth, where the 
silver markers rang discreetly, we chatted, the mistress of that little para- 
dise and your servant, seated opposite each other in comfortable corners 
of a sofa. 

The lady — a pretty woman, rather pensive (digestion ? heart-ache 1 who 
knows ! — who will ever know !) — told me in a low voice her remembrances of 
boarding-school. 

" When one is small," said she, " one has very singular ideas. Can you 
understand that I really hop?d to make pencils grow by planting them on 
end, first carefully fastening some of my hair to the part going into the 
ground, to begin the roots. You cannot understand that 1 " 

" Bless me ! no." 

" Nevertheless, I have tried that kind of horticulture more than a hundred 
times. It never yielded good results ; but perhaps I had not enough pa- 
tience?" 

" Perhaps!" 

u And the Antipodes ! In the class-room they frequently talked to us of 
those famous Antipodes, who walked with feet diametrically opposed to ours. 
This greatly interested us. We imagined them hanging head down, and we 
asked each other what they did not to lose their hats off at once." 

" The problem remains unsolved, madame V 

" Yes, still we constantly endeavored to extricate the unknown sufferers. 
At recess there were always two or three of us who got sticks and dug in the 
garden about the size of a tea-napkin, which they allowed us for agriculture. 

" We thought by digging in this way we could one day see at the bottom 
of the hole the soles of the Antipodes. 

" We dug — we dug with sticks and with our hands until they were blis- 
tered, and when we judged the hole sufficiently deep we flung our noses to 
the ground to peer anxiously down. 

"Very often it happened that the poor diggers sprang up with fright and 
a terrible cry, for instead of the soles they so ardently desired to see, what 
they too frequently perceived at the bottom of the hole was an awful earth- 
worm, frightful beyond expression, with its mute dilatation of its purple 
skin. 

" Sometimes a girl would carefully lift her head, after long applying her 
ear to the opening of the hole, and would say to the friend she preferred : 

" ' Stoop over, my dear j I really believe that I hear the gallop of the 
horses of the Antipodes. 1 

" The friend would in turn prostrate herself, listen intently and gravely 
answer : 

" ' Yes ! yes ! I hear them at last. It is the gallop of the horses of the 
Antipodes. Let us dig some more ! ' 

(< All the time I remained in the boarding school I believed I heard that 
distant noibe, and this confirmed me in the idea that if we did not see the 
Antipodes themselves it was because we did not dig the hole deep enough 
to put us in communication with those mysterious and, doubtless, charming 
beings ! 

" We have all left the school. We are nearly all of us married — there 
are even widows among us, but we have not forgotten the Antipodes. We 
still often think of those unknown— those strange personages — of those in- 
dividuals whose lives have nothing in common with ours, and, in spirit, we 
dig the hole at the end of which we shall one day see them. 

" Only — do not mention it — the Antipodes take to-day a different form 
from those we then imagined. 

" Our Antipodes now are perhaps — it is for you to divine — they are our 
unfulfilled hopes — our secret desires unsatisfied — our vague dreams of love. 

" And when you perceive in a parlor women whose eyes wander in the 
mist of their inner thought, who are inattentive, isolate themselves from the 
general conversation, and ia the corner of a sofa hold their ears to some im- 
perceptible sound, say to yourself that those women think they hear the 
gallop of their Antipodes — of their Antipodes whom they adore with tender- 
ness uncommon in their homes — whom they summon with all their hearts 
and whom they never see." 

— Translated from the French by E. F. Dawson. 



OUR BITTER HALVES. 



■ TEN LINES ON TENNIS. 

My heart it is a tennis ball, 
And gaily do you whack it ; 

I strike— rebound ; I fly, I fall — 
I tumble to your racket. 

O lady of the vernal court ! 

My heart is sore entagled 
In Cupid's net, whereto in sport 

Your fair arm silver-bangled — 
Hath struck it (a poor tennis ball) 
To play another at its fall ! 



—Life. 



" Charley," said mamma, "you have been a very naughty boy ; you have 
been playing marbles, and you know that I told you that you mustn't, for it 
is gambling, and gambling is very wicked. Now, I hope you will never 
gamble again." Charley promised he wouldn't and his mamma was so de- 
lighted that she took him to the church fair and gave him the money to take 
chances in almost everything there. 



Overset from the Omnibus : A man looked in a Vienna cafe, two card- 
players from six o'clock p. m. until the next morning at four, with the great- 
est attention and with expression of the highest satisfaction too. Finally 



fell these over a doubtful case in a lively quarrel. " My sir," turned him- 
self the one of the players to him, " have you the kindness to decide who of 
us both right has. " "Yes, my sir, with pleasure, if I but the game you 
play understood." "How, to the devil! you know the play not at all? 
Why have you then ten hours here sat I " "My sir, I am married ! " 

Prospective Bride : How long ought a honeymoon to last, ma ? 
Ma : They usually last only a few weeks, but I knew one to last three 
months. 

How delightful. Who was the bride ? 



Prospective Bride 
Ma : I was. 
Prospective Bride 
Ma : I fear not. 



Perhaps mine will, too. 
The country is not troubled with sectional issues 



now. 



Prospective Bride : Why, what difference does that make 1 
Ma : I was married to your father the day before he went off with the 
three-months' volunteers. 



She twanked a tune on her light guitar, 
A low, sweet jangle of tangled sounds, 
As blurred as the voices of fairieB are, 
Dancing in noonday dales and downs ; 

And the tinkling dip of the strange refrain 
Ran over the rim of my soul like rain. 

The great blonde moon in the midnight skies 

Paused and poised o'er the trellis eaves, 
And the stars in the light of her upturned eyes 
Sifted their love through the rifted leaves — 
Glinted and splintered in crystal mist 
Down the glittering string that her finger kissed. 

Oh, the melody mad ! Oh, the tinkle and thrill ! 

Oh, the ecstasy of the exquisite thing ! 
The red rose dropped from the window-sill 
And lay in a long swoon quftering ; 
While the dying notes of the strain divine 
Kippled in glee up my spellbound spine. 



" I never lend books out of my keeping," said a bright woman the other 
day, when being asked the loan of a volume ; *' for no one ever returns 
them. As a proof, look at that row up there. All books, my dear, and all 
borrowed." 



" Oh yes," said a young lady of one of the capital cities, " we used to sing 
the Moody hymns a great deal when we were at my aunt's in the country. 
I like the one called ( Hold the Fork.' They used to sing it very spiritedly 
there in the Sunday-school." 



Although all men are created free and equal, they do not all remain so, 
for some marry and lose their high estate. 



the widow. 



Her smiles are tempered by her sighs ; 

Her garb scarce veils her glory ; 
The tender glamour of her eyes 

Enshrines her and her story ! 

No greenling girl, nor spinster tart, 
She's all things that become her ; 

Her life, her beauty, and her heart, 
Are in their Indian summer ! 



Speaking of the three Pennsylvania judges who could find no special 
provision for admitting women to the bar, the Butte Record says neither is 
there to admit them to heaven. 



In one of the new girls' schools the inspector arrives to make an ex- 
amination. " I wish to have the best informed young lady come to the 
blackboard," he says, solemnly. No one moves. "Then," says he, grace- 
fully, " I should like the prettiest one to come." They all stand up. 



A WOMAN NOT WANTED, 



A Legal Construction walked into a court-room : " Did you send for 
me, Judge ? " 

" Yes. Do you want a good, easy position 1 " 

" Of course I do." 

" Well, then, go and stand by the outer door, and when a woman with a 
bandage about her eyes and a set of scales in her hands comes about, tell her 
she can't come in." 

"Is that all?" 

" That's all. It's a pretty soft job. I don't think she will venture to 
come around here, but if she should, I'd like to have you handy to shoo her 
away." 

" Who is she, anyway, Judge ? What's her name 1 " 

"Well, it's so long since I've heard it, blamed if it hasn't Blipped my 
memory." 

BROKE HER PIPE. 



" I wancher to be pow'ful 'tickler wid dat pipe," warned Aunt Q to 

Uncle Sykes, as the latter picked up her clay pipe and limped arouna<i.u his 
favorite place against the chimney. 

He had been gone only a few minutes when Aunt Gincy heard a terrible 
rumbling on the outside, followed by a negro woman running in and crying 
mournfully : 

" Oh, Aunt Gincy, de dumbly done fall an' kill ole Uncle Sykes ! " 
With pain-distorted countenance and terror blended in her gaze, Aunt 
Gincy looked passionately up and moaned : 

" Dar, now, bress de Land ! an' I bets a dollah dat hit done broke my 
pipe all to pieces ! " 



THE WASP. 



11 



CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS, 



" Other parties sometimes make mistakes — the DimocriBy hez a weekniB 
for crime. It perpetooally wants tu commit murder without any reason for 
it. It is the one party that never wuz rite. One wood suppose it mite oc- 
casionally blunder into doin the proper thins, but it doesn't. It hez the 
whisky intiooence at its back, and it wood court Mormonism ef Utah hed a 
electoral vote. Ther ain't any sin wich it dueBn't take to with a relish, none 
wich its adherence won't stumick. The Dimekratic Btumick is wuss nor au 
ostrich's ; the ostrich kin digest Bimple stones— Dimocrisy waxes strong on 
actooal pizen. It can't feed on grass, and sweet-corn wood turns its stumick. 
It wants still slops with stricknin into it. The Dimekratic party is like a 
retreetin army— it alluz hez to look out for its reer. Its biggest enemy is its 
past. It hez to spend its entire time explainin how it hezn't been reely to 
blame fur bein a d d fool. It's ." — Nadnj. 



thus 



Before the war there was a popular political refrain in Virginia that ran 

John (Sherman's a devil, 

John Letcher's a saint ; 
John Letcher's a Democrat, 

John Sherman — ain't. 

For just such doggerel reasons the Higgmson-Codman-Curtia bolters leave 
the house of their fathers, singing : 

Jim Blaine is a devil, 

And Cleveland's a saint, 
Mr. Cleveland's a Democrat, 

And Jimmy Blaine — ain't. — Sac. Record-Union. 



Chester A. Arthur : I tell you Jim Blaine's chances are slim. Don't 
mention it to anybody, but I have the most positive information that J. B. 
has only twelve pairs of pants ! Think of it, Robert, a man running for 
President of a country like this with only twelve pants ! — Courier-Journal. 

" Begorra, I've always been a Dimmycrat, but I'll vote for Logan this 
toime," exclaimed an enthusiastic Irishman. "When asked his reason he re- 
plied : " Shure an' the papers sez he murders the English, an' be the powers 
Oi'm down on the English ! " 



Says the Captain to Pat, 
" Come, I'll have none o' that ! " 
As Paddy of whisky was drinking his fill. 

With a satisfied sigh, 

As he finished the rye, 
Says Paddy, " Be jabers, I don't think ye will." 

And thus stand the two great parties in regard to the offices. — St. 
Critic. 



Louis 



Henry Ward Beecher reads the prayers "for those at sea " with special 
emphasis now. It is supposed that he is referring to the Democrats. — 
Judge. 



If Blaine is nominated, we suppose the curs-ed hirelings of the press 
will dog his footsteps and hound him with questions whose purp-ort will be, 
" Did you ever hear Peruvian bark ? " — Life. 



Joseph Cook calls himself a pandenominationalist. 
ler man. — Hartford Post. 



He must be a But- 



Mrs. Hendricks urged him to accept. She has confidence in the ticket. 
Mrs. Joseph E. McDonald : Hurrah for Cleveland. Hurrah for Cleve- 
land \—N. Y. Herald. 



It will take just thirteen alibis to prove Grover Cleveland's good moral 
character. — St. Louis Globe- Democrat. 



Gwine ter stuff de tickets wid er mighty reckless han' sab, 

Gwine ter grab de votes o' de Irish an' de Dutch ; 
Da's howlin' at de nigger fur ter get him de han', sah, 

Bus'ness am so crippled till she almos' needs er crutch. 

Gwine ter stuff 'em in de box wid er mighty haw, haw ; 

Gwine ter put 'em in wid de shobel an' de spade. 
Wants ter ketch de yaller nigger right behind de jaw, jaw — 

Somebody's gwine ter be laid out inter de shade. 

— Ai-kansas Traveler. 



If you can't be President first time, buy, buy again. — Puck. 

"Madame, may I kiss these beautiful children?" inquired Uncle Dick 
Oglesby, as he leaned over the front gate. 

" Certainly, sir; there is no possible objection." 

" They are lovely darlings," said Uncle Dick, after he had finished the 
eleventh. " I have seldom seen more beautiful babes. Are they all yours, 
marm ? " 

The lady blushed deeply. 

" 0^ course they are — the sweet little treasures ? From whom else marm, 
could i have inherited these limpid eyes, these rosy cheeks, these profuse 
curls, L.^ese comely figures and these musical voices 1 " 
The lady continued blushing. 

" By the way, marm," said Uncle Dick, " may I bother you to tell your 
estimable husband that Richard J. Oglesby, Republican candidate for Gov- 
ernor, called upon him this evening." 

" Alas, good sir," quoth the lady, "I have no husband ! " 

" But these children, madame — you surely are not a widow 1 " 

" I feared you were mistaken, sir, when you first came up. These are not 
my children. This is an orphan asylum ! " — Chicago News. 

" Now, let me see if I understand this Presidential election at Chicago/' 



said a blushing bride at Niagara to her spouse, as they gazed at the Niagara 

Falls, after they had enriched the hackman for life. 

' ' Blaine and Cleveland were chosen, were they not, my dear pet ? " 

" They were nominated at Chicago, my sweety sweet — not elected." 

" When will they be elected, my angel love ? " 

" Only one of them will be elected, dove," 

" Then why were they both nominated at Chicago, my pretty pet? " 

" You see, my dear, one is a Democrat and the other a Republican." 

" Then what is the use of having two men nominated at Chicago, if they 

can't both be elected ? I know there are always two men on the ticket. 

There were Tilden and Hendricks, and Hayes and Wheeler. Pa told me 

80." 

" Yes, but you must understand that there is a Vice-President." 

41 Oh, my darling of darlings !" exclaimed the bride, reproaching herself 

for her doubts; " I see it all now. Cleveland iB to be President and Mr. 

Blaine Vice-President." 

Then the huBband mortgaged a farm of his and took his bride for a 

drive to Whirlpool Rapids in a hack. — Puck. 



The National game — Politics. — Boston Transcrifri. 



PERSONAL 



" Greely found!" said he, as he heard two gentlemen discussing the 
rescue. "YeB, sir; found in the Arctic ocean." "The h — 1 you say ! I 
thought he was dead long ago." Then, after a pause : "I voted for him 
onc't but d — d ef they git me to do it agin." 

The death of Mr. Pillot, Madame Janauschek's husband, recalls how, 
when Madame Janauschek arrived in Philadelphia from Europe in 1881, a 
manager called and she asked about a leading man who supported her two 
years before, and heard that he was dead. A few minutes lator she inquired 
after another acquaintance, and learned that he had died. With a despond- 
ent shake of the head, the great tragedienne remarked : " Everybody dies 
but Pillot." 

Anthony Comstock will, it is feared, lose his reason. He has just made 
the horrifying discovery that he himself came into the world without any 
clothes on. 



BUZZINGS. 



The press describe Madam Mandelbaum as "the biggest fence in 
America." How about Charles Crocker's fence, whose height makes even 
the little birds dizzy and before which the tomcats lash their tails and howl 
in despair ? Fencing is undoubtedly a high art with Mr. Crocker. May we 
conclude that he would make an expert dueliBt ? 



A woman who strenuously insisted that there was not a drop of Irish 
blood in her family was summarily silenced on being reminded that her 
grandfather had a cork leg. 

How is a carpenter closely allied to a cook in his occupation ? Because 
he is always employed in boarding houses. Bumble Bee. 



In Abyssinia every man fears and suspects his neighbor and dreads the 
king. His name is literally one to conjure by. To swear or command in 
the name of Johannes is unanswerable and final. One continually hears 
the following oaths: "By the backbone of John!" "By the God of 
John ! " or " By the God of the horse of John ! " — London Standard. 

A clergyman taught an old man in his parish to read. After his lessons 
were finished he was not able to call for some time, and when he did only 
found the wife at home. "How is John?" said he. "How does he get 
on with his reading? " "Oh, nicely, sir." " Ah, I suppose he'll read his 
Bible very comfortably now ? " " Bible, sir ! Bless you, he was out of the 
Bible and into the newspapers long ago." 



STRICTLY A CALIFORNIA PRODUCTION. 
The production of the best Lager Beer in the world, as pronounced by all connois* 
seurs, is that brewed by the Fredericksburg Brewing Company of San Jose. Try the 
Fredericksburg, Salvator and Kaiser Beers and convince yourself. It is for sale at all 
firstclass saloons. General Office, 539 California street. 



BURNHAM'S ABIETENE. 

W. W. Haney, 221 Sacramento St., San Francisco, says '* Burnham's Abietene " 
cured him of Rheumatism and Kidney trouble after every other remedy failed. He 
used it both internally and externally. It is sold by druggists generally. 

MOST MARKED SUCCESS. 
Messrs. Benham & Eaton, 735 Market street, proprietors of the Model Music 
Store, are agents for the celebrated Hazelton pianos, also the Benham piano ; first- 
class and medium price. Give them a call. 

SUBSCRIBERS 

Who desire to keep the "WASP" on file, can now be again supplied with 
Covers. Price, Fifty Cents. ^___ 

38 Cough Mixture has no equal. While taking 38 Cough Mixture you can con- 
tinue your usual avocation. 38 Cough Mixture will cure your cold quicker than any 
other remedy ; other remedies are good, but 38 Cough Mixture will cure any and all 
kinds of colds.with less trouble than any other kind. For sale by all druggists. B. J. 
Rhodes & Co.^ manufacturers, San Jose, Cal. 

J. P. Tenthorey & Co., 558 Mission street, have always on hand for the trade the 
finest Maccaroni, Vermicelli, Farina and paste of all descriptions in French and Italian 
style. Jt©"No retail in our factory. 

Messrs. Arpad Harazthy & Co. are the only producers of natural champagne by 
fermentation in the bottle, like all French champagnes. See their advertisement on 
last page of cover. 



12 



THE WASP. 



SHOW NOTES, 



Ernani was one of the successes of the C. S. L. Italian Opera company. The 
audience was large and sympathetic, if not in the hurrahing mood with which it 
greeted Aida and Trovatore. Can any one whose wretched fortune landed him, luck- 
less, at the Grand Opera House last New Year's night, forget the dull, dreary per- 
formance of Ernanz hy the troupe which Baldanza chiefly ornamented. It is hardly 
comprehensible that this performance at the California could be the same opera, trans- 
formed by warmth, romance, good acting and singing. 

Nothing could well be more romantic than Ernani, the play in which young Victor 
Hugo threw down the gauntlet to the classic school, and at whose first production 
The'ophile Gautier and his clique rushed down to the theater at 2 o'clock p. m. and held 
the fort, as it were. The romanticists won the day. The spectacle of a man killing 
himself on his wedding day because of a promise to a generous enemy was likely to 
please the French, whose notions of honor are as quixotic in some instances as they are 
slantindicular — to the Say on eye — in others. The blast of the Silva's horn never 
thrills me as much as I expect, but the whole drama has been set to music, and one 
horn solo more or less is not so impressive as if the emotions had been declaimed. 

Ernani is a great opera for the chorus, and the chorus did better than usual. 
Dressed well they always are. Nicolini showed "armor as was armor" when he sang 
" Manrico," but Signor Vilmant did extremely well as the armed " Charles V." 

It was a pity that "Elvira's" grand air, "Ernani, fly with me," comes imme- 
diately upon her first entrance, for Signora Peri is nervous when she first comes out, 
and only gradually gains self-controL She was a very pleasant figure as the much- 
beloved "Elvira," and sang delightfully in the second act with Giannini, where "de 
Silva," surprising them together, discovered that they were receiving an encore, dis- 
creetly retired up and in time — not quite in time — surprised them again. 

Giannini has precedents among the great for rolling out his pure, effortless phrases 
without supplementing the passion of his song by more action than he would use on 
the concert stage. His voice entirely satisfies. Aida on Sunday was all that was ex- 
pected and more. It remains the C. S. L.'s best as it is their most elaborate produc- 
tion. ( 

La Travmta at the California was not an unqualified success. The orchestra had 
little to do. The singers all seemed at a disadvantage. The chorus was spiritless, the 
tenor and soprano constrained. Signora Damerini was out of her line as " Violetta." 
She worked faithfully ; these people are conscientious, but the execution requisite for 
the first act is beyond her. Giannini and Signora Damerini gave the duet in the last 
act. "Parigi, O Cara," with artistic feeling. Dam(Brini sang " Addio del Passato " 
extremely well. The only singer thoroughly at ease was Vilmant as " Germont pere.' 1 
He was in splendid voice, aa always. " Di Provenza il May " gained an enthusiastic 
encore. Vilmant is a fine actor. 

The company may count Rigolctto among their successes. From the opening notes 
of Wednesday it was plain that every one was in his best mood. Giannini was mag- 
nificent as the " Duke." His singing of " Questa o Quella " roused instant enthusiasm 
and a chorus of " Bravo ! " His greatest triumphs were won by the ever popular quar- 
tette and the " Donna e Mobile," the latter creating a veritable furor. Giannini's 
superb method and inexhaustible lungs are a constant wonder and delight. 

Vilmant as "Rigoletto" was powerful in singing and acting, as usual. Peri 
shared the honors with Vilmant. Signora Mestres, who was not in the printed cast, 
sang " Maddalena " with her usual amazing chest voice and eccentric costume. Serbo- 
lini's manner towards her as " Sparafucile," her brother, was unnecessarily brutal. 
The opera was given almost entire. A pleasing feature was the bringing out of 
Gilda's body wrapped in her mantle, instead of the ungainly sack, and the closing duet 
between "Rigoletto" and his dying daughter — unblushingly omitted by Mapleson's 
troupe, was beautifully rendered, though the climax made by Vilmant's repeating the 
fainting fit of the second act, and at some distance from Peri, is not as impressive as 
his tearing his hair over his dead child. 

Beginning with Dreams and The Tourists, or further back, with Fun in a Fog, the 
lunatico-musical farce has circled down through Hobbies, Skipped by the Light of the 
Moon and A Bunch of Keys to Fizz! Bang I Boom ! now being given at the Bush- 
street Theater by Gale & Spader's Bohemians, in which a young woman goes to pick 
gooseberries by moonlight in a ball dress, and expresses the intensity of assent by "I 
should waggle my ear," and such venerable figures of speech. There is a shadow dance 
reminiscent of Fanclwn, a song "Oh, my! what a dreadful thing!" reminiscent of 
Kate Castleton's famous " For Goodness Sake," a serious recitation in a German ac- 
cent about the boy who helped an old lady across the street, on the entirely unfounded 
presumption that he is somebody's mother, and a perfect bore of a recitation from 
Richard III. Little Miss Kate Foley dances well. The way her small blue satin 
boots twinkle in the three or four steps of the sailor hornpipe she dances is very tell- 
ing. Elle a du Jlic-Jlac. Fizz! Bang! Boom! has a friendly gallery, whatever the 
dress-circle may think. A. L. T. 

"JULEPS, THE DRINK OF IMMORTALS." 

We have received from the enterprising firm of Naber, Alfs & Brune, at 413 Front 
street, an unusually handsome Catalogue and Bar-tender's Guide: "How to Mix 
Drinks." This elegant pamphlet is profusely and finely illustrated. It contains por- 
traits of the three members of the firm ; directions for compounding seventy different 
kinds of drinks ; a price-list, in colors, of wines and liquors, occupying fourteen pages; 
a full list of groceries required to open a first-class store, six pictures representing 
scenes in Chinatown ; several pages of comic stories in English and German, and a 
large map showing summer resorts and surroundings of San Francisco. 



PHILADELPHIA BREWERY. 

The Philadelphia Brewery has sold during the year -1882 64,188 barrels of beer, 
being twice as much as the next two leading breweries in this city. (See Official 
Report, U. S. Internal Revenue, January, 1883.) The beer from this brewery has a 
Pacific Coast renown unequaled by any other on the Coast 




A BOON TO MUSICIANS. 

Our angular rooms, with their 
alcoves, bay windows and corners 
are ill adapted for music rooms 
The Japanese Folding Screen can 
so concentrate the sound as to 
make a music room of any. 

This is only one of the dozens 
of uses to which screens can be 
put ; and it is sure to happen 
that, by-and-by, in the course of 
a few years, they will be consid- 
ered the most useful piece of fur- 
niture in the house, and certainly 
the least expensive and most orna- 
mental. 

Ichi Ban, 20—22—24 Geary 
street. The most beautiful store 
in America, has a great stock of 
them, ranging in price from $2. 50 
upwards. 



FOUND AT LAST. 
A pure and wholesome preparation for dressing and promoting the growth of the 
hair, for allaying and preventing inflammation, alleviating and curing, all ordinary 
diseases of the scalp and skin, August Koehncke's Hair Restorer ; a cure and pre- 
ventative of premature baldness. It is a purely botanical compound, and not a greasy, 
dirty mess. Totally unlike nearly all other preparations for the hair and skin. It 
contains neither mineral, chemical, animal nor vegetable poisons. J. J. Mack & Co., 
9 and 11 Front street, San Francisco, Sole Agent ; or, direct to A. Koehncke, manu- 
facturer, Watsonville, Cal. Sent to any address on receipt of $1 ; six bottles, $5. 



A HEALTHY DRINK AND REFRESHING BEVERAGE. 
It is important to families as well as first-class saloon men to know that H. L. St. 
John & Co., 14 Hayes street, are making the genuine old-fashioned Eastern Root Beer 
from selected roots and herbs. It is cooling, healthy and delicious, good for old and 
young. It is the cheapest and best drink in the city. One dozen pints only 70 cents, 
one dozen quarts only §1. 10, delivered free to your house. All bottles have patent 
stoppers. Try the Root Beer. 

ARTIFICIAL LIMBS. 
It should be generally known that the best improved Artificial Limbs in the 
world are manufactured by Mr. Menzo Spring, 9 Geary street. Circular and measure 
blanks combined for legs and arms sent free to any address on application. Mr. 
Spring has a commission from the United States to furnish limbs on Government 
orders. 

READ THIS. 

Mr. A. H. Baldwin (formerly McDowell & Baldwin) of the San Francisco Carpet 
Beating Machine, 1321 and 1323 Market street, has now new machinery throughout. 
Calls for carpets, renovates and relays them all in one day. Refitting carpets a 
specialty. Telephone 3036. Remember, iSTno Chinamen employed at this establish i 
ment. 



HAVE YOUR JEWELRY, FANS, WATCHES, ETC. REPAIRED. 

If you want your jewelry, watches, clocks, fans, etc. neatly repaired and made as 
good as new, go to S. J. Pembrooke, watchmaker and jeweler, 212 O'Farrell street, 
near Powell. 



NATURAL MINERAL WATER. 
The TolenaB Spring Soda, natural mineral water lately introduced here, is re- 
freshing, agreeable and effervescent, cures indigestion, aciiity of the stomach, etc. 
Turner Bros. & Co., 217 Commercial street, general agents Pacific coast. 

SACHS, PRUDEN & OO'S 

FAMOUS GIN0ER ALE. 



The Great Family Beveragre. 



FINE OLD TABLE WINES. 
Messrs. J. Gundlach & Co., vine growers, corner Market and Second streets, 
make a great specialty of fine old table wines, their own production from their own 
extensive vineyards in Sonoma county. 



Especially recommended as a Healthy Table Drink, as it contains no Alcohol, or any Intoxi- 
cating Ingredients. It iB recommended for Ladies and Children as a pleasant and stimulatine 
beverage. Exhilarates without Intoxicating. Invigorates without Reaction as with alcohol. 
Assures Healthful Sleep to the Worried and Anxious, Repairs Lost Strength, and Imparts Renewed 
Vigor. Clears and Refreshes the Brain of the Business Man. Renders the Thoughtful Man more 
Subtile and Reasoning, and Dispels Lassitude and Fatigue. 

Put up in Quart Bottles. When bottles are opened and entire contents are not used, they can 
be re-corked with Gum Cork, and it will keep until used. Sold by Grocers, Druggists, Hotels 
Restaurants and Bars. 

For Sale by 

LEBENRAFJI, GOLDBERG A UrtWKX, CLUFF BKOS., 

C. J. IIAWn;\ A CO., QITADE A SI It VI T. 

Trade Supplied by JOHN T CUTTING & CO., Sole Agts. 

116 FRONT STREET. 



Regular Republican Nom- 
inee for Congress, 

2d CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT, 

J AS. A. LOUTTIT, 

OF STOCKTON. 



Regular Republican Nom- 
inee for Congress, 

3d CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT, 

JOSEPH McKENNA, 

OF SUISUN, SOLANO COUNTY. 



THE WASP. 



13 



NOW IS THE TIME 



TO SUBSCRIBE FOR 



T JE3I IE "W.A. S IP. 



IT IS THE ONLY 

Cartoon Paper Published West of the Rocky Mountains, 

And during r in Cumpul^u no Expense will be spared lo ninkc It (lie most 
Interesting and popular publication of tlic day. 

ITS CARTOONS WILL BE A PROMINENT FEATURE: 

Illustrating all tbat Is Evcntrul and Topical In National and Local Polities. 
I in- Letterpress will be up to Ha usual lilgU standard. 



TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTIONS 
Payable in Advance ; 

Rcnill by Postal Order or Check 



}-■■{ 



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6 " 2 50 

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Nineteenth 

INDUSTRIAL EXHIBITION 

MECHANICS' FAIR 

SAN IKIMIMII, 1884, 

OPENS AUGUST 5tu; CLOSES SEPTEMBER 
Otii. MECHANICAL PROGRESS, IN- 
VENTION, ART and NATURAL PRODUCTS 
will be represented by the best obtainable ex- 
hibits on this coast. An 

INSTRUMENTAL CONCERT 

by an efficient orche3tra each afternoon and 
evening. 

PREMIUMS. 

Medals of gold, silver and bronze, diplomas 
and cash will be awarded aa premiums to 
meritorious exhibits. 

ADMISSION. 

Double season tickets, $5 ; single season, S3 ; 
apprentice season, $1.50; child's, §1,50; adult 
single admission, 50 cents; child's, 25 cents; 
SEASON TICKETS TO MEMBERS OF THE 
INSTITUTE AT HALF-RATES. 

Any desired information given or sent on ap- 
plication to the SECRETARY, 31 Post Strbet. 
P. B. CORNWALL, President. 

J. H. Ci'lver, Secretary. 



CALIFORNIA 

SUGAR REFINERY 

OFFICE, 337 MABKET ST. 
REFINERY, • ■ ■ POTRERO. 



CLAUS SPRECKELS President 

J. D. SPRECKELS Vice-President 

A. B. SPRECKELS Secretary 



WALL PAPERS, 

FRESCOING, 

INTERIOR DECORATING, 

WINDOW SHADES, 
G. W. CLARK & CO. 

645 and II 13 MARKET ST. 



E. C. HUGHES, 

DPIRHsTTIEIR, 

511 SANSOME ST., 

SAN FRANCISCO. 
Country O ders S lclted. 



THE 

HAWAIIAN HOTEL 

Honolulu, H. I. 

This house has been entirely renovated and 
extended, and under the new management will 
be conducted with particular reference to the 

Comfort and Convenience 

— OF— 

TOURISTS. 

The Hotel is most delightfully situated, and 
the Cuisine is equal to that of the Leading 
Metropolitan Hotels of the United States. 

GEO. H. FASSETT, 

Manager. 

DEALERS IN FURS. 

Alaska Commercial Co., 

310 Sansome Street, 
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. 



Wholesale 



HAVE YOU TRIED 

STAFFORD'S 
COMMERCIAL INK? 

CALL FOK A BOTTLE. 
CUNNINGHAM, CCRTISS & WELCH 

327 to 331 Sansome Street, S. F. 



COMPLETE VOLUMES 

OF THE 

"THE WASP," 

(Bound and Unbound,) 

For Sale at this Office. 



DR. SPINNEY, 

NO. II Kl VKN. ST., 
Treats all Chronic aad Special Diseases 

YOUNG MEN. 

The following symptoms are frequently met 
with among young men : 

Loss of Memory and Energy, Eyes growin 
Weak, Eruptions on the Forehead, Unrcfreshing 
Sleep, Bad Feeling on rising in the Morning, 
Loss of Appetite, Palpitation of the Heart, 
Despondency, Timidity, Brooding over the Past, 
Apprehensions for the Future, Aversion to So- 
ciety, an unnatural preference for Solitude, and 
many others. These are the results of youthful 
follies or indiscretions, and those suffering from 
any or all of them will do well to avail them- 
selves of this, the greatest boon ever laid at the 
altar of suffering humanity. DR. SPINNEY 

ill guarantee to forfeit $500 for a case of any 
kind or character which ho undertakes and fails 
to cure. 

MIDDLE-AGED MEN. 

There are many at the age of thirty to sixty 
who are trouble with diseases of Kidney and 
Bladder and a weakening of the -;. -tern in a 
manner the patient cannot account for. Many 
men die of thiB difficulty, ignorant of the cause. 
Dr. S. will guarantee a perfect cure in all such 
cases, and a healthy restoration of the affected 
parts. 

Office Hours— 10 to 4 and 6 to 8. Sundays, 
from 10 to 11 a.m. Consultation free. Thorough 
examination and advice 35. Call or address, 
DR. SPINNEY & CO., 11 Kearny St., S. F. 



DR. ALLEN'S 

PRIVATE DISPENSARY, 

26i Kkarny Strkbt, San Francisco, Cal. 

Established for the Scientific and Speedy Cure of 

Chronic, Nervous and Special Diseases. 

THE EXPERT SPECIALIST, 

r. Allen, is a regular Physician from University 
of Michigan. He is acknowledged to be the most 
expert Surgeon in his specialty on the Pacific 
Coast. 

YOUNG MEN 
And MIDDLE-AGED MEN, who suffer from the 
effects of Youthful Indiscretions or Excesses in 
maturer years, Nervous and Physical Debility, 
loss of energy and memory, etc., remember I 
have a Veobtable Compound, the result of many 
yeara of special practice, which under my special 
advice has never failed of success in the cure of 
weakness, kidney and bladder diseases, etc. 

Hospital Experience, 
(Having been Surgeon in two leading hospitals) 
enables me to treat all private troubles with ex- 
cellent results. I wish it distinctly understood 
that I do not claim to perform impossibilities. 
I claim only to be a skilful and sockssful Phy- 
sician and Surgeon, thoroughly informed in my 
specialty — 

Diseases of Man. 

All will receive my Honest opinion of their 
complaints — no experimenting. I will guara ntee 
a positive cure in every case I undertake, or 
forfeit §1,000. Consultation in office or by letter 
free and strictly private. Charges moderate. 
Call or address DR. ALLEN, 

26 1-2 Kearny street, San Francisco, Cal. 



To the Unfortunate I 
Dr Gibbon's Dispensary. 

/"»00 KEAR- 
O/OO NYSt 
San Francisco— Es- 
tablished In 1854 for 
the treatment and 
cure of Special Die- 
eases, nervous and 
physical Debility, or 
diseases wearing on 
body and mind, per- 
manently CURED. 
Tbe sick and afflict- 
ed should not fail 
to call upon him. 
>. ^ ,w - lV --The Doctor has tra- 
veled extensively In Europe, and Inspected 
thoroughly the hospitals there, obtaining a 
great deal of valuable Information, which he 
is competent to impart to those in need of 
hia services. The Doctor cures when other 
fail. Try him. DR. GIBBON will make no 
charge unless ho effectB a cure. Persons at a 
distance may be OURED AT HOME. All 
communications strictly confidential. Charge 
resonable. Gall or write. Address DR. J. 
F. GIBBON, Box 1967, San Francisco. Men- 
tion the WASP. 




THE /ETNA SPRINGS. 



To the highly curative proprieties of these 
waters and the charms of the place is added an 
elegant and capacious Swimming Bath. 

These waters purify the blood, refresh, renew 
and restore the whole system. 

They cure Rheumatism, Sciatica, Dyspepsia, 
Erysipelas, Kidney and Liver Diseases, Chronic 
Diarrhcea, Paralysis and Pulmonary Complaints 
in the early stages. 

These waters are a specific in cases of Malaria, 
Chill and Ague Fever. 

They afford magical relief in cases of Nervous- 
ness, Sleeplessness and General Debility. 

Visitors leave San Francisco at 8 a, m. for St. 
Helena, thence by daily stage (Sundays ex- 
cepted), arriving at the jEtnas at 5 p. m. 

For Pamphlet containing Analysis and Cures, 
address Wll. ItlUMIl, Snp't, or YfM. 
II. LIDELL, Proprietor, Lldell P, O., 
Napa Co., Cal. 




Recommended by the Faculty* 

TAR RANT'S 

COMPOUND EXTRACTS 

— op — 

Cubebs and Copaiba. 

This compound is 
Buperior to any pre- 
paration hitherto in- 
vented, combining in 
a very highly concen- 
trated state the med- 
ical properties of the 
Cubebs and Copaiba. 
One recommendation 
this preparation en- 
joys over all others 
is its neat, portable 
.^v — form, put up in pots; 

the mode in which it may be taken is both 
pleasant and convenient, being in the 
form of a paste, tasteless and does not 
impair the digestion. Prepared only by 
TABRANT & CO., ' 
Druggist and Chemists, 278 and 280 
Greenwich street, New York. 

Fob Sale Bt All Druggists. 



LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. Finest and cheapest Meat Fla- 
vouring Stock for Soaps, Made Dishes and 
Sauces. Annual Sale, 8,000,000 jars. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. An invaluable tonic. " Is a 
success and a boon for which nations 
Bhould feel grateful." — See "Medical 
Press," " Lancet," &c. 

Genuine only with the fac-simile of Boron 
Liebig's Signature in Blue Ink across the 
Label. Thetitle" Baron Liebig" and photo- 
graph having been largely nsed by dealers 
with no connection with Baron Liebig, 
the public are informed that the Liebig 
Company alone con offer the article with 
Baron Liebig's guarantee of genuineness. 

LIEBIG COMPANY'S EXTRACT 

OF MEAT. To be had of all Storekeepers, 
Grocers and Chemists. Sole Agents for the 
United States (wholesale only) 0. David & 
Oo M 9,Fencharch Avenue, London, England. 

Sold wholesale by RICHARDS A 

HARRISON, San Francisco. 



OCEANIC STEAMSHIP CO. 

J. D. SPRECKELS & BRO'S, 
321 Market Street, 

OWNEBB OF 

Spreckels' Line of Packets. 

Paekages and Freight to Honolulu. 



SUBSCRIBERS 

Who desire to keep 

"The Wasr>" 

On File can now be again supplied with covera. 
PKICE 60 CENTS 



THE SOUTH BRITISH AND 

NATIONAL INS. CO. 
W. J. CALLINGHAM & CO., 

No. 218 SANSOME ST.. BAN FBANOISOO 



A PRIZE.: 



Send six cents for post- 
age, and receive free, a 
coBtly boxof goods which 
will help all.of either sex, 
to more money right away than anything else in 
this world. Fortunes await the workers abso- 
lutely sure. At once address Trob & Co., Au- 
gusta, Maine, 



SA NT IN EM 



Cures all recent and chronic urinary diseases. 
Directions in all languages. Sold by all Drug- 
gists at 31.00 a bottle, or sent by express on 
receipt of price, secure from observation. Fair- 
mount Chemical Co« t Cincinnati, Ohio, U. 
S.A. 



14 



THE WASP. 



ME AND MARY. 



All my feelin's in the spring, 

Gits so blame contrary, 
I can't think of anything 
Only me and Mary ! 
" Me and Maiy ! " all the time, 
" Me and Mary ! " like a rhyme, 
Keeps a-dingin', on till I'm 
Sick of "Me and Mary!" 

" Me and Mary. Ef us two 

Only was together, 
Playin' like we used to do 

In the April weather ! " 
All the night and all the day 
I keep wishin' thataway, 
Till I'm gittin' old and gray 

Jest on " Me and Mary ! " 

Muddy yit along the pike 

Sence the winter's freezin', 
And the orchard's back'ard-like 

Bloomin' out this season ; 
Only heerd one bluebird yit — 
Nary robin nor tomtit ; 
What's the.how and why of it ? 

S'pect its ," Me and Mary ! " 

Me and Mary liked the birds — 

That is, Mary sorto' 
Liked 'em first, and afterwards 

W'y I thought I orto. 
And them birds — ef Mary stood 
Right here with me like she should — 
They'd be singin', them birds would, 

All for me and Mary. 

Birds or not, I'm hopin' some 

I can git to ploughin' ! 
Ef the sun'll only come 

And the Lord allowin', 
Guess to-morry I'll turn in 
And git down to work agin ; 
This here loaferin' wont win — 

Not for me and Mary ! 

For a man that loves like me 

And's afeard to name it, 
Till some other feller he 

Gits the girl — dad-shame-it ! 
Wet or dry, or clouds, or sun, 
Winter gone or jest begun, 
Outdoor work forme or none — 

No more me and Mary ! 

— James W. Riley. 




" See What Cutlcura Does for Me ! " 
JNFANTILE and Birth Humors, Milk Crust, Scaled 
Head, Eczemas, and every form of Itching, Scaly, 
Pimply, Scrofuluous and Inherited Diseases of the Blood, 
Skin and Scalp, with Loss of Hair, cured by the Cdti- 
oura Remedies. Absolutely pure and safe. Cuticura, the 
great Skin Cure, 50 cents; Cuticura Soap, an exquisite 
Skin Beautifier and only Medicinal Baby Soap, 25 cents, 
and Cuticura Resolvent, the new Blood Purifier, §1, are 
sold by druggists. Potter Drug and Chemical Co., Bos- 
ton. Send for " How to Cure Skin Diseases." 



^Positively cured in 60 days by 
y'l»r. Home's Klectro-Mucnetlfl 
ImH-J in--, combined. Guaran- 
teed the only one in the world 
J" generating a continuous Electric & Mag- 
"netic Ourrent, Scientific, Powerful, Durable, 
Comfortable and Effective in curing Rup- 
ture. Price Reduced. 500 cured in H3. Send for pamphlet 
ELECTRO-MAGNETIC TRUSS COAlFAOT. 
702 Habket Street, San Fbamcisco. 



THE NARROW GUAGE. 



"Benefits forgot " : Old gentleman (he had been 
chased across the field by the infuriated animal and 
only just scrambled over the gate in time, gasping 
for breath) — " You in — fernal, un— gra'ful beast ! 
An' me — been veg'tarian all m'life ! " 



Some girls at a school examination were asked 
the meaning of scandal. The reply of an eager 
pupil, whose family had evidently suffered from the 
tongue of envy, hatred and malice, was " Nobody 
does nothing, and everybody goes on telling of it 
everywhere." 



" The mind cure may be all right," said Peajay, 
" but do you suppose that if I made up my mind 
that I had $b0 in my pocket I would find it there ? " 
— Boston Post. 



" Ah, Mr. Hebbleton, I hear that you have been 
called to the ministry." 

" Well, I can hardly term it a call. They only 
offer me five hundred a year. Sort of a whisper, 
you understand." 



(( Do you know every rock on this coast ? " asked 
a gentleman. " Yiz, sorr," the pilot replied; 
" there ain't a rock for moiles around here that I 
don't know — (just at that moment the vessel struck 
heavily) — and, bedad, sorr, that's one av thim ! " 



A countryman went into a saloon for a lunch the 
other day, and while he was swallowing the feed he 
heard the telephone bell ring, the bar-tender went 
to the telephone and began to converse with some- 
body in a loud voice in the German language. The 
countryman opened his mouth wide, then turned 
to a city gentleman at the same table and said : 
" That's the first Dutch telephone I ever heard." 
The city man said he had one at his house that a 
Chinaman could talk through, and the countryman 
was paralyzed. 

A recent advertisement reads as follows : " If 
the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red 
head will return the umbrella of a young lady with 
whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the slate- 
roofed grocer's shop he will hear of something to 
his advantage, as the same is the gift of a deceased 
mother now no more with the name engraved on 
it." 



Young Lawyer (much excited) : Mr. Coke, 
congratulate me. You know I told you I had a 
case. Well, sir, I've won it. Yes, sir — won my 
first case. 

Coke (an old lawyer) : You're excusable under 
the circumstances, but with a little experience you 
may yet do honor to your profession. 

Young Lawyer : Excusable under the circum- 
stances ! I don't understand your meaning, Mr. 
Coke. 

Coke : Don't understand ! Listen : If you 
had been a lawyer of experience you would have 
lost that case ; then you would advise your client 
to appeal ; and if skilfully managed it might have 
been made to last for years, or at least as long as 
he had any money. But you have won, and that's 
the end of it. Let it be a lesson to you in the 
future. 



Rural hospitality : " Do take some more of the 
vegetables, Mr. Blood, for they go to the pigs any- 
way. 



Jones : Hello ! Where were you all last 
week? 

Smith : Down to the seashore. 

Joites : Did you have a comfortable time 1 

Smith : Oh, yes ; I made friends with the 
cook and she let me sit by the stove. 



Yo' kin nebber cl'ar de fores wid a common carbin' knife, 
Nor expec' to make a liben courtin* ob yo' nabor'a wife. 

Dar's no shorter road to heaben dan to do de bes' we kin, 
Dar's no surer way ob fallin' dan to nebber try agin. 

Yo' cayn't do a squar' day's cartin' if yo' stop yo' mule to 

wait 
Fur de Lawd to sen' an angel jea' to open up de gate. 

Nebber try to w'ar de slippers cut out fur yo* marster's 

feet, 
Nor to keep yo'sel' fum starbin' watchin' ob yo' nabor's 

eat. 



They were talking about ice cream. She led the 



conversation, while George sustained his part in a 
monosyllabic eort of way. 

"No," she continued brightly ; "poor icecream is 
better than none at all." 

"Very true," assented George. 

"I wouldn't eat ice cream unless I could get the 
best. " 

"Nor I." 

" Yes, I must have the best or none at all. Do 
you know, George, where the best ice cream is 
made ? " 

"Oh, yea," he said. 

"Where?" 

"Europe." 



There was a heated discussion in a Third Ward 
hotel the other night. " I tell you, sir," said one 
of the disputants, " I tell you, sir, there is no law 
made but what the people can change." "Yea, 
there is," said a newcomer. "There is one law 
that no man — no people can change." "What is 
that ? " " Mother-in-law." 




The feeble grow strong 
when Hostetter's Stomach 
Bitters is used to promote as- 
similation of the food and en- 
rich the blood. Indigestion, 
the chief obstacle to an ac- 
quisition of strength by the 
weak, is an ailment which 
infallibly succumbs to the ac- 
tion of this peerless correct- 
ive. Loss of flesh and appe- 
tite, failure to sleep, and 
growing evidence of prema- 
ture decay, are speedily 
counteracted by the great in- 
vigorant, which braces up the 
physical energies and fortifies 
the constitution against dis- 
ease. For sale by all Drug- 
gists and Dealers generally. 




POWDER 



JS a s BT o Equal! 

strongest, Purest, Best and Most Econom- 
ical in the Market. 

Never Varies in Quality. 

Recommended to CONSUMERS by leading Physi- 
cians, Chemists and members of the San 
Francisco Board of Health. 

PREPARED BY THE 

BOTHIN MANUFACTURING COMPANY, 

hAS JJ BANCISCO AND SACRAMENTO. 



30 BAYS' TRIAL. 

To \ oung, old. rich or poor, 
both sexes,— stop drugging, 
and cure yourself with DR. 
HORNE'S (New Improved) 
KlectricBelt. Electricity la 
Life, and a lack of it is Dis- 
ease and Death. Thousands 
testify to its priceless value. 

. SO.iXW cures reported in 1883, 

Whole family can wear same Belt. Cures without medi- 
cine. Pains In the Back, Hips, Head or Limbs, NervouB 
Debility, Lumbago, General Debility, Rheumatism, Par- 
alysis, Neuralgia, Sciatica. Disease of Kidneys. Spinal 
Diseases, Torpid Liver, Gout, Asthma, Heart Disease, 
Dyspepsia, Constipation, Erysipelas, Indigestion, Rup- 
ture. Catarrh, Piles, Kpilepsv. Ague, niubetes. Sendstamp 

tor Pamphlet. W. J. HOME, 702 Market St., San Pratt" 
Cisco, Cal. Inventor, Proprietor and Manufacturer- 




WEAK, UNDEVELOPED PARTS 

OF THE HUMAN BODY ENLARGED, DEVELOPED, 
STRENGTHENED. Etc., i9 an interesting advertisement 



r paper. Inrci 



l>'y_t 



inquiries, wo will aav that 



there is no evidence of humbug about this. Oa the contrary, 
Ibe advertisers .ire very highly indorsed. Interested persona 
may gotaealed oircnlarfl civilian particulars, by addressing 
KniH HkpicaiCo^ Buffalo, N. Y.— Toledo Evening Bcc. 



C/^l f% by watchmakers. By mail 25c. 



AND NOT 

WEAB OUT 

._. Circulars 
DeySU.H.Y, 



THE WASP. 



15 



PACIFIC COAST 
STEAMSHIP COMPANY. 



Steamers of this Company will 
ai from Broadway Wharf, San 
'Francisco, for ports in California, 
■Oregon, Washington and Idaho 
Territories, British Columbia and Alaska, as fol 
Iowa : 

California Southern Count Itoulc 

Steamers will sail about every sex-end day a. m. 
lor the following ports (excepting San Diego, 
every fifth day), viz: Santa Cruz, Monterey, 
San Simeon, Cayucos, Purl Harford, San Luia 
Obispo, Gaviota, Santa Bar'"ir>, Centura. Hue- 
oeme, Son Pedro Los Angeles avd San Diego. 

BritlHb Columbia and Uaskn Route. 

— Steamship IDAHO, carrying U. S. Mails, sails 
from Portland, Oregon, r about the 6th of 

each month, for Port Town-nd, W. T., Victoria, 
and Nanaimo, B. C, Fort Wrangel, Sitka and 
Harrisburg, Uaska, connecting at Port Town- 
aeod with Victoria and Puget Sound. Steamer 
leaving San Francisco on or about the 1st of 
the same month. 

Victoria and Paget Sound Boute.— 

The Steamers GEO. W. ELDEK and MEX- 
ICO, carrying Her Britanic Majesty's and 
United States mails, sail from Broadway Wharf, 
San Francisco, at 10 a. m., on August 8d, nth, 
19th, 27th and Sept. 4th, and every eighth day 
there liter for Victoria, B. C, Port Townsend, 
Seattle, Taeoma, Steila oom and Olympia, mak- 
ing close connection with steamboats, etc., for 
Skagit River and Cassiar Klines, Nanaimo, New 
Westminster, Yale, Sitka and all other impor- 
tant points. Returning, leave Seattle and Port 
Townsend on August 3d, 11th, lflth, 27th, and 
every eighth day thereafter, and Victoria at 
12 m. on August 4th, 12th, 20th, 28th, and every 
eighth day thereafter. 

Portland, Oregon, Koute.— The Oregon 
Railway and Navigation Company and the Pa- 
cific Coast Steamship Company dispatch from 
Spear Street Wharf one of the steamships 
STATE OF CALIFORNIA, OREGON or CO- 
LUMBIA, carrying the United States Mail. 
Sailing days— August 2d, 7th, 12th, 17th, 
22d, ;7tn and Sept. 1st, ind every following fifth 
day for Portland *nd Astoria, Oregon. 

Eureka and lluniboldt Bay Route.— 

Steamer CITY OF CHESTER sails from Son 
Francisco for Eureka, Areata, Hookton (Hum- 
bolt Bay) every Wednesday it 9 a. a. 

Point Arena and Slendocino Route.— 

Steamer YAQULNA sails from Broadway 
Wharf, San Francisco, at 3 p. M. every Monday 
for Point Arenas, Cufley's Cove, Little River 
and Mendocino. 

TICKET OFFICE, 314 Montgomery St. 

(Opposite the Ruaa House) 

GOODALL, PERKINS & CO., General Agents 
No. 10 Market St., San Francisco. 



The Great Burlington Route 

CHICAGO, BURLINGTON & 
QUINCY RAILROAD. 

EASTWARD. 



Is The Old Favorite and Principal 
Line Fbom 

omaha, kansas city, atchison 

and ST. JOSEPH 

For CHICAGO, 

ST. LOUIS, 

MILWAUKEE, 

Detroit, Niagara Falls, 
NEW YORK, BOSTON, 

And all points East and Southeast. 

THE LINE COMPRISES nearly 4,000 
miles. Solid, Smooth Steel Track. All 
connections are made in UNION DE- 
POTS. It has a National Reputation aB 
being THE GREAT THROUGH CAR- 
LINE and is universally conceded to be 
the FINEST EQUIPPED railroad in the 
World for all classes of travel. 

Try it, and you will find traveling a 
luxury instead of a discomfort. 

Through Tickets via this celebrated line 
£or sale at all offices in the West. 

All information about Rates of Fare, 
Sleeping - Car Accommodations, Time 
Tables, etc., will be cheerfully given by 
applying to 

PERCEVAL LOWELL, 
Gen'l Passenger Agt., Chicago, Ills 

T. J. POTTER, 

Gen'l Manager, Chicago. Ills. 



T D. He KAY, General Agent 

Hanihal and St. Joseph and 
Chicago, Burlington and Quincy Railroads, 
33 Montgomery Street. 



SOUTH PACIFIC COAST 
RAILROAD. 

Passenger Trains leave Station, foot of Market 
street, South Side at 

8, Oft A. M., daily, Alvarado, Newark, Cen- 
■ OU tervillc, Alvieo, Santa Clara, SAN 
JOSE, Los Gatos, Wrights, Olcnwood, Felton, 
Big Trcec, SANTA CRUZ and all Way Stations. 

2,ftft P. M. (except Sunday), Express: Mt 
■OU Eden, Alvarado, Newark, Centerville, 
Alviso, Agnews, Santa Clara, SAN JOSE, Loe 
GatoB and all station to SANTA CRL'Z. 

4 .Art P. M., daily, for SAN JOSE, Los Gatos 
•OU and intermediate points. SATCR- 
DAY8 and SUNDAYS to SANTA CRUZ. 

mc EXCURSIONS TO SANTA CRUZ AND 
q>0 fttt.SO to SAN JOSE, on SATURDAYS 
and SUNDAYS, to return until MONDAY, in- 
clusive. 

n.ftft A. M., every Sunday, excursionjio 



SAN JOSE, BIG TREES and SANTA 



$3 
$1.75 



to BIG TREES and SANTA CRUZ. 



to SANTA CLARA and SAN JOSE. 



TO OAKLAND AND ALAMEDA. 

£6.00, §6.30, S7.00, 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 9.00, 9.30, 
10.00, 10.30, 11.00, 11.30 A. M. 1)12.00, 12.30, 
11 00, 1.30, 12.00. 2.30, 3.00. 3.30, 4 00, 4.30, 5.00 
6.30, 6 00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 8.30, 10.45, 11.45 P.M. 

Prom Fourteenth ami Webster street's 
Oakland - §5.30, 80.00. S6.30. §7.00, 7.30 8.00, 
8.30. 9.00, 9.30, 10.00, 10.30, 111.00, 11.30 A. M. 
112.0O, 12.30, 11.00, 1.30, 2 00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30, 
4.00, 4.30, 5.00, 5.30, 6.00, 6.30, 7.00, 7.30, 9.30, 
10.46, 11.45 P. M. 

(•Voni lltgli street, Alameda— §5.10, §5.40, 
66.16, 6.46, 7.16, 7.46. 8.16, 8.46. 9.16. 9.46, 
10.16, 110.46, 11.16, 111.46 A. M. 12 16, 112.46, 
1.16, 1.46, 2.16, 2.40, 3.16, 3.40, 4 16, 4.46, 6.16, 
6.46, 6.16, 6.46, 7.16, 9.16, 11.31 P. M. 

§ Sundays excepted. 

1 Saturdays and Sundays only. 

TICKET, Telegraph and Transfer offices 223 
Montgomery street, S. F. 

L. FILLMORE, R. M. QARRATT, 

Superintendent. Q. F. & P. Art. 



The Cocoa Crop is Short. 



Look Out for Adulterations. 



By Using 

WALTER BAKER & CO'S 

Chocolate 

You will be Sure of Secur- 
ing the Best. 

» II. T. COLEMAN A CO. 

Sole Agents' 



GREAT ENGLISH 
REMEDY 

Is a certain cure lor 
Nervous Debility, 
Loat Vitality, and 
all the evil effects of 
excesses and indis- 
cretions. 
DR. MINTIE.who 
a regular physi- 
cian, graduate 01 
the University of 
Pem-sylvania, will agree to forfeit Fivb Hun- 
dred Dollars for a case of the kind the VITAL 
RESTORATIVE (under his special advice and 
treatment) will not cure. Price 81,50 a bottle ; 
four times the quantity, §5. t-ent to any address, 
Conpidbntiallt, by A. E. MINTIE, M. D., No. 
11 Kearny street, S. F. Send for pamphlet. 

S AMPLE BOTTLE, FREE, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, stating Bymptoms, sex 
and age. Strict secrecy in all transactions. 




THE AMERICAN 

SUGAR REFINERY, 

San Francisco. 

Manufacturers of all classes of Refined 

Sugars, including Loaf Sugar 

for Export. 

C. ADOLPHE LOW & CO., 

Agents 
Office, 208 California St. 



D = THOMAS HALL 





ABSOLUTELY PURE 

A delightful appetizer, giving tone and strength 
to the stomach, and as a tonic beverage it han no 
equal; will cure Dyspepsia or Indigestion, Fever 
and Ague, Biliousness, General Debility and 
kindred diseases. 

This tonic is most beneficial in its results ; it 
braces the system, creates an appetite, and de- 
stroys that wretched feeling of ennui which we 
constantly labor under in this enervating climate. 
The tonic for its medicul qualities excels any 
other ever offered to the public, having taken the 
first premium at the fairs of Sacramento, San 
Jose, Stockton, Oakland and San Francisco for 
absolute purity, made from pure California Port 
Wine, Wine of Pi pshi and Elixir Calisaya. 

£2rFor sale everywhere throughout the State. 
Depot at J AMES H. GATES'drug store, cor. New 
Montgomery and Howard streets, San Francisco. 

inc. MhKH-.s 

WONDERFUL 
GERMAN 

INVIGORATOR, 
^7 The greate t remedy 
** for the cure of Nervous 
and Physical Debility, 
Vital Exhaustion, 
Weakness, i oss of Vi- 
tality, and all the re- 
sults of ij. discretions, etc. The German Treat- 
ment prevents permanently all unnatural losses 
from the system. 

The Doctor, a regular college physician from 
Europe, will agree to forfeit 81,000 for a case un- 
dertaken not cured. The reason thousands can 
not get cured of Weakness, Lost Vitality, and 
the above Diseases is owing to a complication 
called PROSTATORRHEA, with Hyperesthesia, 
which requires special treatment. 

DK. LIEBIG'S INVIGORATOR No. 2 is the 
only POSITIVE CURE for PROSTATORRHEA. 
Price of either Invigorator 82; case of six bot- 
tle, $10. 

DR. LIEBIG & CO., for the past seventeen 
years have made an exclusive specialty of Dis- 
eases of Men. Disease, however induced, speed- 
ily, thoroughly and permanently cured, recent 
cases in a few days; inveterate eases skillfully 
treated; chajges moderate. 

If pimples appear on the face, if you become 
listless and despondent look out for the compli- 
cation with Vital Weakness and loss of Vitality 
known a9 Prostatorrhea. Hundreds of lives 
have been lost for the want of prooer treatment 
for this complication, and thousands have lost 
all their property and pleasure in life irom its 
effects. A perfect and permanent cure will be 
guaranteed in any case undertaken, under our 
special advice and treatment. 

Call or address DR. LIEBIG & CO., 400 
Geary Street, San Francisco. Private en- 
trance, 405 Mason street, four blocks up 
Geary street from Kearny. 

Most Powerful Electric Belts free to patients. 

tsar To prove the wonderful power of the IN- 
"VTGORATORS a $2 bottle given free. 

Consultation, advice and examination free and 
private. 



J.D.SPRECKELS&BROS., 

Shipping and Commission 

JS/L erchants. 

AGENTS FOR 

Sprcckels" Line of Hawaiian Packets, 
S. S. Hepworth's Centrifugal Ma- 
chine.*. Keed's Patent Pipe 
and jioilcr Covering. 

No. 327 Market Street, 

Corner Fremont, SAN FRANCISCO 



BILLIARDS. 



P. LIESENFELD, Manufacturer. 

ESTABLISHED 1859. 

BOLB AGBNT8 FOR TUB ONLY G8NU1NB 

Patent Steel Plate Cushion, 

Guaranteed for Ten Years. 

The Most Elegant Stock of Billiard and 

Pool Tablet* on Hie Pacific Coast. 

9 45 Folsom Street, 

NEAR SIXTH. 

PrlceH 20 per cent. Lower than any 

other House on the Coast. 

tS~ SEND FOR A CATALOGUE. "B* 




IST Corks with 

UNFAILING C B R- 

TAiNTY Nervous 
and Physical De 
bility, Vital Ex- 
haustion, Weak- 
ness, Loss of VI- 
tality, and all the 
ni'V / 'i? WaT% terrible results'of 

IIMr Itfafc/MMWtlXK excesses and indis- 
Kk ^■"(IPPS'lIf! cretion e- ^ pre- 

nNuvEflAiun 7a t !. p ss t g 

drains upon the 

the system. j-krmani-nt ureb Guaranteed. 

J rice 82.50 per b- ttle, or five bottles 810.00. 

To be had only of DR. C. D. SALFIELD, 216 

Kearny street, [ an FranciBco. 

TKIAL BOTTLE FREE. 
^ufficiont to show its merit, will be sent to any 
one applying by letter, Btating his symptoms and 
age.. Communications strictly confidential. 



WILT LAMS, DIMOK D & CO. 

SHIPPING AND 

Commission Merchants, 

UNION BLOCK. 
Junction Market and Pine Street*,, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



AGENTS FOR PACIFIC HAIL S. S.- 
Co. ; the Pacific Steam Navigation Co.; the 
Cunard Royal Mail S. S. Co.; the Hawaiian Line; 
the China Traders' Insurance Co. (Limited); the 
Marine Insurance Co. of London ; the Baldwin 
Locomotive Works; the Glasgow Iron Co.; Nicb, 
Ashton & Son's Salt. 



Opera Glasses 

THE LATEST JUST RECEIVED. 



1863. 0nl y peDDl e EBtab'm't. 1884, 




135 MONTGOMERY STREET. 
Near Rush. 

Orders by Mail or Express Promptly 
Attended to- 

Compound Astigmatic Lenses 

Mounted to order at wo hours notice. 

The Most Complicated Ca--es of Defective Vision 
thoroughly Diagnosed FREE OF CHARGE. 



— ^^^^— 




a 
n 

> 

CO 



D. W. LAIRD, Sag Francis co Jewelry Manufactory, 27 



POST 

(ESTABLISHED 1803.) 



ST. 



ESTABLISHED 1858. 

W. K.VANDERSLICE & CO. 

MA\IKA«TI Hl\«i 

Jewelers and 
Silversmiths, 

136 SUTJER ST. 

Howard, Waltham & Elgin 

"WATCHES. 

DIAMONDS. 

Order* by Wall Mill receive Prompt 

itnii Careful Ailcuiloii, tioodn sent 

to any pnrt of tlie Mate or 

Terrllorh"- 



FIRE. MARINE. . ?■ L hittohimsok. h. b mans. 

Hutchinson & Mann, 

Tho Largest Pwrlflc Coast Insurance Co. INSU&ANCE AGENCY, 

s. r.. lor. t'alirornla and Sun bo me Hta. 

OASB ASSETS REPRESENTED. $23,613,618 
W. L, CbsJmen, Z. P. Clark, special Agents 
md Adjuster*, Capt. A. H. Barns, Marine 
^nrveyor. 




Optical Institute, 427 Kearny 

$2, $2.50 AND $3 

Buys the Finest Spectacles in ex 
istencc; $1, 50c. and '.'.".<-. those 
of lower grade. Adjusting Spec- 
tacles to suit the various condi- 
tions of the sight a specialty. No, 
other optician has o can get such 
fauilitiesas are to be found at thi; 
establishment, because ihe in- 
strument used for measuring the 
Btrength of the eye is my own invention and 
patent, and is the only one ever invented that 
will give the exact amount of imperfection in 
one'B sight. Beware of impostors, who tell you 
or their long experience, that they make lenses, 
etc., as the Optical InoTITcte is the only place 
on this coast where lenses .ire ground to order. 
L. A. BERTELING, Scientific Optician, 
427 Kearny St.- (successor to Bertling& Watry) 

-mm) Cut this Out and Keep It for Reference. 





WEARING the DUPLEX GALVANIC BELT 
The unparalleled success of this medical belt 
in the cure of Nervous Weakness and Prostra- 
tion, Impotency, Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Dy8- 
pepsia, Constipation and all Liver and Kidney 
Diseases, is attested by thousand who have been 
cured by it. It is not the only Galvanic Belt in 
the market, but it is the only one that ever re- 
ceived a silver medal as a premium. It is uni- 
versally acknowledged to be the best in tub 
wor.Ii!> It is adapted to self-treatment and cure 
at home. Full instructions go with every belt. 
Prite of belt, complete, either male or female, 
$10. Sent prepaid to any address for CASH, 
or by express C.O.D. 

Address DUPLEX (.VLVIVK CO., 113 
Kearny St., Snn Francisco, Cal. 



OF CALIFORNIA, 

ASSETS, 81,500,000 

Home Office : S. W. cor. Cal. <£■ Santvme. 
BAH FBAJTCISCO, - CAL. 



D. J. Staplm, Pres. 
VVm. J. DrrroN, Sec. 



Alpiibds Bull, Vico-Prea. 

E.W. CAR.PRSTKR.ABfl'tSeC. 



THE UNIVERSAL 

BENEVOLENT ASSOCIA- 
TION of California for 
Unmarried Persons. 

OFFICE, 1038 MISSION ST. 



US^SEND FOR DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUES and LISTS 



M 



ODEL 

OST 



MUSIC CTORE 
ARKED VUCCESS. 



HAZELTON PIANOS. 

Unequalled for Tone and Brilliancy. 

BENHAM PIANOS, HOME MANUFACTURE. 

First-Class and Medium Price. 



MARKET 



STREET, J Chas.S. Eaton 
s- r. I A. M. Benham 



££; BEST EDITIONS SHEET MUSIC 10 CTS. A COPY. 



USE 
Dr. 




BITTERS 



HENLEY'S 

The Great Tonic of the Nineteenth Century. 



OVERLAND SHORT LINE 
General Ticket Office, 2 NEW MONTGOMERY ST., in Palace Hotel, 

CHICAGO & NORTHWESTERN RAILWAY 

NOT ONLY THE PIONEER LINE 

But Acknowledged to be the 

VERY BEST LINE ON THE CONTINENT. 

.1. M. D.1VIES. General Agent. 



" THE BEST IS THE CHEAPEST." 

Total Increase over Thirteen Mm.L'ONS. 

surplus above llabilitirfl over ten millions. 

Buy your Insurance in the 

N. Y. LIFE INSURAECE CO. 

Total Assets, - *. r »5,543,!>03.J3 
Total Increase, $13,01*1. 3.>0.U0 

Those widhiny a safe and secure Life Policy, at 
liberal terms, can apply to A. C. IIATVES, 

Manager for Pacific Coast, 220 Saxsome St., S.F. 



PHOTOGRAPHER . 

; Montgomery Street, San Francisco. 



H. L. Dodge. J. E. Kuggles, 

L H. Sweeney, F. W. Van Sicklen. 

DODGE, SWEENEY & CO., 

Wholesale Provision Dealers and 
< omuiission Merchants, 

114-116 MARKET & 11-13 CALIFORNIA, 

Sole Agents for " Libby, McNeill & Libby's 

Canned Meats," "H. M. Dupee's Chicago Hams." 

P. O. Box 1243. 



"W. T. COLEMAN & CO . 

Shipping and Commission 

Merchants, 

S. E. Cor. Market and Main streets, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



I CHI BAN 



SEE ADVERTISEMENT ON DRAMATIC PA«E. 



STEINWAY PIANOS. 

Exclusively used by PATTI. GEISTER and DOTTI. 
MATTHIAS GRAY, Sole Agent, 206 POST ST., S. F. 



SELBY SMELTING AND LEAD COMPANY, 

416 Montgomery Street, San Francisco 

Gold and Silver Refinery and Assay Olllcc. 

Highest Prices Paid for Gold, Silver and Lead Ores and Sulphurets. Manufacturers of BLUE- 
STONE. Also, Lead Pipe, Sheet Lead, Shot, etc. This Company has the best facilities on the 
Coast for working GOLD, SILVER and LEAD in their various forms. 

PRENTISS SELBY, Superintendent. 



W. G. Badger, 

SOLE AGENTS in. 

HALLET, DAVIS & CO'S 

CELEBRATED 

PIANOS. 

Geo. Woods & Co's Parlor and Vestry Organs, 
Wo. 13 Sapsonir streel. s. F. 




BEFOKE BUYING YOUR 

SAFE 

Call and sec our large stock. 
Second-hand Safes always 
on hand. Safes sold on the 
Installment Plan. 



Hall s Safe and Lock Co., 

VII A 813 l U.IMUIM i ST., S.F. 



GEORCE MORROW & CO-, 

Established 1854. 
Hay, Grain & Commission 

Merchants. 
shipping orders a specialty. 

39 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

A REVOLUTION 

IN INK 

TREATMENT OF DISEASE. 

MAGNETIC SHIELDS, 

The Great Curative Agent of 
oar Times. 

RHEUMATISM, NEURALGIA 
and DYSPEPSIA c-uimot 
exist where these Shields are 
worn. Nothing in the history 
of our world equals the wonder- 
ful cures wrought by waariug 
our Magnetic Shields. A 
single pair of our 

FOOT BATTERIES 

\\ will convince any skeptic of the 

■' truth of what wo say. Try a 

pair. Price $1, by mail, to an> 

addvess. Send forour new book, 

"A Plain Road to Health." Free 

Chicago & San Francisco 

Magnetic Shield Co. 

10g post street, 

Sun Francisco, Cnl. 




Try Crittenden's 

DYSPEPSIA BITTERS. 

Office and Depot : 
1735 & 1737 MARKET ST. 

P. Dauscher & Co., Proprietors. 

E. H. Crittenden & Clias. P. Fulton, Managers. 

L. D. STONE & CO., 

(Successors to R. Stone,) 

MANUFACTURERS AND IMPORTERS OF 

Harness, Saddles.Saddlery.Hard- 

ware, Collars, Whips, Ropes, 

Horse Blankets, 

And all- kinds of Harness Sl Patent Lbatiiers, 

433 A 431 Battery Street, 

Cor. Washington, San Francisco. 

S. W. RAVELEY, 

Book and Job Printer, 

518 CLAY STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery & Sansome, San Francisco. 



BETTER THAN GOLD. 




Budweiser ^XT 1 The Louvre, 



JULIUS GRUEN, Proprietor, 

Phelan Block, cor. Dupont St. 



Agents 
for 



ARION » PIANO. 



You can save 25 per 

cent, by buying 

your Piano of 



E. DUNN & CO. iKSeTIt 



MORAftHAN'ri FROZEN OY.STF.RS. 7fto. ner Can. 68 & 69 California Market. 



Coal. 



J. MACDONOUGH & CO., 41 MARKET STREET. 



Coal 





Throat, 



Catarrh, Jjjj 



Lungs, 



Fevers. 



Everybodys Plumber, 

(Established I860,) 

No. 505 KEARNY ST. 



Pettijohn's 

BREAKFAST GEM 



Healthiest & Most Palatable 

Of any Cereal Food in the World. 



WADS FROM THE CHOICEST 

SONORA WHEAT. 

It is Unrivaled in Excellence and 

Parity. It is Nutritious and 

Easily Digested. It is Free 

front all Impurities. 



This Excellent BREAKFAST GEM is put up 

in 24 Packages in ea'-h ease. 



ALL RETAIL GROCERS KEEP IT- 



DOFT BUY 

a DRIED-UP 
IJU OK TED 

Ham ess, 
when you can 
purchase a re- 
liable home- 
ma "ehirnefS 
i\r le s m in- 
<y. For a 
cooo\ chea;i 



for Ko. 15; 
price, $20 per set. Am now making of thi-3 num- 
ber 75 set p^r montb. Our No. 20 is waved (races, 
Bcallored lays, a reliable good style business har- 
ness; price per set, §30. Now making of this Dum- 
ber 40 sets per month. Don't buy untilyou exam- 
ine our line of work. Prices range from $10 to $90 
for single, and §20 to $200 for double harness. 

■ W. DAVIS, 410 Market street. 

SBKD FOR CATALOQUB. 




S. J. LEVY, Proprietor, 
D.J. LEVY, Cutter. 




- $5 

Dress Pants, ^ 

Suits, - - - . 20 

Dress Suits, - - .- 35 



IT WILL CURE 
CONSUMPTION. 

P. O. Box, 1886. 




For Coughs, Colds, 
Whooping Coughs and 
all Throat affections 



Address: 

\ \IENTINE H4MSMER, 933 Washington St:, cor. Powell, S. F. 



TRADEMARK. ,+ h^H Tin pmial 
Patented Feb 20, 1883. lL Ud,B UO tsqudj.. 



JNO. LEVY & CO., 

lakers and Importers of Fine Jewelry, 
DIAMONDS, PRECIOUS STONES, WATCHES, 
SILVERWARE, CARRIAGE and MANTEL 
Clocks, Opera-glasses, Pans. Etc., 

IIS SITTER STREET San I ranriseo, < al. 



GIVE THY &UN A L1BEH~L tUUGAl ION." 

ACIFIC BUSSNESS fiOLLEGE 



P ACIFIC n 
LIFE MEMBERSHIP j |H 
ONLY S70. %jP 



SEND FOR 

CIRCULAR 



y 320^ 



ST. 



iBEnNlA BREWERY, MATrHEW NUNAN, Prop. ' 



Beer and Porter Wholesale. 



> inotvr Mini in IS83: 
30,000 Barrels. 



" The Wine of the Elite." 

UNEXCELLED FOR 
BOUQUET! 
DELICACY! 
DRYNESS \^g^ \ -^ ^° NLY PR0DUCERS ° F 

Sparkling Wines 

ON THE PACIFIC COAST. 

S30 WASHINGTON ST S.R CAL. 
PRODUCED BY FERMENTATION IN THE BOTTLE. 




D 



R ZEILE'S IDS"STITTJTfC 

(Established 1852.) 

The largest. Airiest and Best 1! n IIS on the Paeifle toast. TIRKISH, 
BUSMAN. siEAM, Mt I'll I it or illfcDIC 1TKD KATIIs ror l.a.lits and Geutle- 
men. All on the Ground Floor luo basement.) 

532 to 528 PACIFIC STREET. S. F 



INDESTRUCTIBLE 



EYE-CLASSES. 




WITH PATENT EASY 

NOSE-PIECE. 

OPTICIAN AND JEWELER. 



4Q7 Kearny St., 

Near PINE. 

Send for Catalogue. 




hlltl tl K <fc CHASE, 137 to 139 Post St., 

Sole Agents for the Celebrated 

Decker Bro'sPiauo 

• AIbo for the 
FISCHER, the ICEIIK and the ISEHN- 
iXfi PlanuH. 

Cash or iDstallmeDta. Largest Piano and Music 
House on the Coast. 



THE BOSS, 

FOR SALE BY 

Pacific Saw 

Manufacturing Company, 

Nos. 17 and 19 Fremont Street, S. F.1 

Complete with Pacific Saw Manufacturing 
Company's Extra Blade, Set and Filed ready for 
work, $1.50 sach. 




Charles R. Allen, 

Importer and Dealer in 
HOiSE. STEAM. FOUNDRY AND 

CUMBERLAND COAL- 

Retail Trade a Specialty. 

1911 KF.1I.E STREET. 




PALACE DYE WORKS. 



DYING. CLEANING, 

HO RESTORING. 

Best and Cheapest 

in the City. 



Main Office, 633 MARKET ST., Palace Hotel. 

Works, 310-212 RIDLEY ST. Oakland Ofllce, 1KH BROADWAY, cor. 13lh. 

CHAS. J. HOLMES, PROPRIETOR. 



Merchants' and Tourists' 
Headquarters, 



THE BALDWIN. 



The Leading Hotel of San Francisco. 

H. H. PiERSON, PROPRIETOR. 

B. Harden hcrgh. Chief Clk. M. A. French, Cashier 



Buy FURNITURE of the INDIANAPOLIS CHAIR MT'G COMPANY 

750 MISSION STREET, and Save 15 per cent. Largest Stock in the City. 



PFRRIFR'S FRENCH Restaurant 



""-. 



\ Private Rooms for Families.) 

■Ran mi fit. rTa.ll. 



19 Jh ML O'FARRELL ST 

\ £m Od It* near Mar]«t_anAJ)nnonfc 



t 




VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBER 8. 



Price \ 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, AUGUST 23, 1884. 



-i lO CENTS. 



The LARGEST HAT STORE on this COAST. 



Herrmann, The Hatter. 

( C. Herrmann & Co. ) 
332 to 336 Kearny Street, 

Between Bush and Pine Sts. San Francisco. 

FINEST PHOTOS IN THE CITY 

IMPERIAL GALLERY, 

724 1 / Market Street, 
the celebrated 

CHAMPAGNE WINES 

Of Messrs. Dei'TZ & Gelderman, Ay, en Champagne. 

Cachet (Blanc, Trite.. \*%l£7 a 7JhS£ B *' 

Cabinet Greeit Seal. S In Baskets. Quarts and 

* Pints. 

Bordeaux Red 1 



CHARLES MEINECKE & CO., 

Importers and Sole Agents, 
314 SACRAMENTO STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 

THE NEVADA BANK 



OF SAN FRANCISCO. 



CAPITAL PAID UP 



$3,000,000. 



Agency at New York 62 Wall Street- 
Agency at Virginia, Nevada. 
Buys and sells Exchange and Telegraphic Transfers. Issues 
Commercial and Travelers' Credits. 

CALIFORNIA 

SAFE DEPOSITITRUST CO. 

326 MONTGOMERY ST., SAN FRANCISCO. 

J. D. Fry, Prcs.; C. R. Thompson (late of Union Trust Co., 
N. Y.JTreas.; Wm. Cunningham, Sec. 

CAPITAL PAID UP AND SURPLUS, ■ $9=5,000. 

Interest Allowed on Deposits, 

At 3 per cent, per annum for Deposits to remain 30 days or 
longer; 2 per cent, on Deposits subject to check at sight. 
Loans made on Collateral Security. 

Vault Department : Safes, $2 to $20 per month, $15 to $200 
per year. Valuables of all kinds received on Special Deposit 
for safe keeping. Open 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., S. E. cor. Montgomery 
and California Streets. Gen'l \V. L. Elliott, Vice-Pres. 

F. E. R. Whitney, Sup't and Chief of Patrol. 



CHARLES DIETLE, 
PRIZE BOOT MAKER, 

235 Bush St., San Francisco. 



SHIPPER & SCHWARTZ, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

733 Market Street, - Opposite Dupont, 
san francisco, cal. 

Sol. Shipper, formerly of San Jose, and late from 
Portland, Oregon. 

PRIZE 



BOOT AND J5HOE MAKER. 
JOHN UTSCHIG, 



326 Bush Street, 



San Francisco. 



BURR & FINK, 

MERCHANT TAILORS, 

620 Market Street, 
opposite palace hotel entrance. 

Great Blood Purifier. 

DRINK 

African Stomach Bitters. 

Most Agreeable Tonic ever Prepared. 

THE CALIFORNIA 

Savings and Loan Society, 

JUNCTION MARKET AND POWELL STS. 



Deposits received. Loans made on city and country property 
at low rates. 

SAN FRANCISCO WIRE WORKS. 

C. H. GRUENHAGEN, 

MANUFACTURER OF 

ALL KINDS of WIRE WORK 

669 MISSION STREET, 
BET. THIRD AND NEW MONTGOMERY. 

Best Shirts, 

Underwear and Furnishing Goods. 

CARMANY, 

25 Kearny Street. 



E. MARTIN & CO., 

Importers and Wholesale Liquor Dealers. 

"ARGONAUT," "I. F. CUTTER," and "MILLER'S EXTRA'' 

Old Bot'RivoN Whiskies, 
408 FRONT STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 



gTUDEBAKER BROS.' 

CARRIAGES AND BUGGIES 

201-207 Market Street, San Francisco. 

"White House" Whiskies, 

Holland Gin, French Brandies, Port, Sherry, 

ETC, ETC. 

In Bond or Duty Paid. 

GEORGE STEVENS, 

318 FRONT STREET, Room i, SAN .FRANCISCO. 

" EXCELSIOR ! " " EXCELSIOR ! " 

C. ZINNS, 
FASHIONABLE TAILOR, 

5 Montgomery St. (Masonic Temple), 
SAN FRANCISCO. 

donald McMillan, 

Manufacturer and Dealer in 

SYRUPS, CORDIALS, BITTERS, EXTRACTS, 

CALIFORNIA WINES, ETC. 

714 Front Street, San Francisco. 

P. O. Box 1443. Telephone No. S7. 

Drink Donald McMillan's Celery Tonic ! 

A. S. Hallioie, Pres. Henrv L. Davis, Sec'y. 

California Wire Works, 

Manufacturers and Dealers in every de cription of Wire Goods, 
Brass, Copper and Iron Wire Cloth, Wire Work Railings, 
Guards, Screens, Sieves, Shade Cluih, Bird'Cages, Battery 
Screens, etc. 

Office and Salesroom: 
6 CALIFORNIA ST., S. F. 



ST. 



LEMP'S 
LOUIS BEER. 



OTTO NORMAISiN, 

Sole Agent Pacific Coast 

WM. J. LEMP'S WESTERN BREWERY, 
st. louis, mo. 

411 Bush St., San Francisco. 

Large Stock of Beer in Bulk and Bottles always on hand. 

jtST ORDERS FROM DEALERS PROMPTLY ATTENDED TO."tJ3l 



J 



M. MEUSSDORFFER'S HATS ARE "THE" STYLES. NEC ^ u o^l n A ^? N s? r ?2 MERY 



WEST COAST FURNITURE 

COMPANY, 

COR. MM Rl II A liHV «\T STS., S. F., 

Manufacturers of and Dealers in 

Furniture, Bedding, 
and Upholstery, 

Wooden Mantels and Hardwood 
House Finish a Specialty. 

A Large Assortment Constantly on 
Hand and Made to Order- 

Every Article Warranted and Satisfaction 

Guaranteed. 



Saulmann's 

Restaurant and Coffee Saloon, 

German Bakery and Confectionery, 

520 CALIFORNIA STREET, 

Bet. Montgomery and Kearny, San Francisco. 
Fresh Bread delivere i every day and cakes 
made to Order- Sole agent for BUSSTAN 
OAVIAB and WESTPHALIA HAMS. Ger- 
man Sausages. A. REUSCIIE. 



KOHLER & VAN BERGEN. 

FINE 

Old Table<| 

WINES. 

ZIM IMH'.I. 

CL tut: is. 
HOCKS, 
PORTS. 
sherries.eu 

VAULTS: 

117, 419 Mont'ery 

Branch : 

987 to 993 Market ■ '<f. 

UNDER GRAND a J ^M 
CENTRAL MARKET. 

Growers and Dealers in 
CALIFORNIA 

Wines and Brandies. 

Winery and Distillery at Sacramento. 

PRINCIPAL OFFICE: 

AI7 AIQ Montgomery St , 

"Til J m Ti%f SAN FRANCISCO. 




Veuve Clicquot 

(YELLOW LABEL) 

CHAM PAGNE. 

QUARTS AND PINTS. 

A. VIGNIERTSole Agent, 

439 A 431 BATTERY ST., S. F. 



DR. HENLEY'S 



CELERY 



Tie Sreaiesi 
Serrae 
blown. 



BEEF 
IRON 



(LteUlg's Extract), 

tie WoDiernu satrltlve 

ail iOTltoiatoi, 



(Pyroiaosptiati), 

Tout tor tie Blool, ail 

Fool lor tie Brail. 



THIS VALUABLE DISCOVERY, lately pre- 
pared and sold in Portland, Or., has been exten- 
sively used in that locality and performed many 
astonishins cures. As a NERVINE and TONIC 
it is unsurpassed. The combination of CELERY, 
BEEF and IRON has shown to posseBS wonderful 
power to build up broken down constitutions 
and restore vigor to both mind and body. It is 
an efficient remedy in cases of GENERAL DE- 
BILITY, NERVOUS EXHAUSTION, SLEEP- 
LESSNESS, NEURALGIA, DYSPEPSIA, LOSS 
of PHYSICAL and MENTAL POWERS, and in 
all derangements of health where an efficient and 
agreeable Tonic and Nervine is required. 

Prepared and Sold by 

TUTHILL, COX & CO., 

537 Clay Street, San Francisco. 

DR. JORDAN'S 

Museum S Anatomy 

751 Market St, 

GO AND LEARN HOW TO 
, avoid Diseases and how wonder- 
fully you are made. 
Private Office, 811 Geary Street. Consul- 
tations on lost Vitality and all Diseases of Men. 





THE LARGEST 

BREWERY 

West of St. Louis. 



Beer Shipped Daily to all 
parts of the Pacific Coast. 



JOHN WIELAND 

Proprietor, 
Second St., nr. Folsom. S.F. 



CAN f RANCISCO 

Capital Stock, 
$200,000 

P P ¥ ¥ Y ? 

OUR LAGER BEEB IS 
BREWED BY THE NEW 
METHOD AND WAB 
BANTED TO KEEP IN 
ANY CLIMATE. 



QTOCK DREWERY, 




Corner of Powell 

AND 

Francisco Streets 

Telephone 9012. 

Ale and Porter 

IN BULK OB BOTTLE. 

Superior to any 

ON THE 

Pacific Coast. 

RUDOLPH MO HE, Secretary 



•'JESSE MOORE 

WHISKEY." 

Superior in 

QUALITY 




[MOORE, 

HUNT & CO., 

417 and 419 

jMarket Street, 

SAN FRANCISCO. 



C. Deweese, Jr., 

San Francisco. 



1. Moore, 

F 

JESSE MOORE & Co 
Louisville, Ky. 

H. B. Hunt, 

San Francisco. 



J. aUNDLACH & CO. 





RIPE OLD WINES. 

(UNSURPASSED— DELICIOUS FLAVOR.) 

"Wine "Vaults: Market & Second. S.F. 




THE GENUINE 

KRUG 

Champagne x& 

FROM FRANCE, -/MSSw*^ 

IN QUARTS J\* *^«* ■* S 
and -/Q 



The Favorite of Real 
Connoisseurs. 




For Sale 

at all 



H. Clausen & Son Brewing Co. 
EXPORT CHAMPAGNE 

Laser Beer! 

B01TLBD BY THE 

l'IMESIX HOTrilN'i. («., NEW YORK. 

Pure, Bright and t-parkliog, and RECOM- 
MENDED BY LEADING PHYSICIANS as Beat 
Beer for Family Use, 

ALFRED GREENEBAUM&CO. 

Sole Agents Pacifie Coast. 
123 CALIFORNIA STREET, S. F. 

For Sale EvcrywJiere. 



K" I D GLOVE S 
T/Y£- 



SSfc 






FACTORY ; No. 119 MJPOXT STREET, 

Bet. Geary and Post, San Francisco. 



PREBLE'S 

OREGON CIDER. 

(In Casbs akd Barbels.) 
Warranted to Keep in any Climate. 

CAL. AND OREGON CIDER CO., 
318 DAVIS STREET, S. F. 




SOLD BY 
DRUGGISTS 

AND 

GROCERS 

EVERYWHERE. 

Every Bottle 
Guaranteed. 




"^ TRADE 



->~ STANDARD LEATHER BELTING. A - °- COOK & SON > 



415 MARKET STREET, S. 1. 



SAN FRANCISCO, SATURDAY, AUGUST 23, 1884. 




IN HER GREAT ACT. 

Ring-master : Well, Mr. Beeoher, what will the lady have nextl 
Clown : She says she will have the balloon. 



THE WASP. 



TO "LYDIA LANGUISH." 



II me faut des emotions. — Blanche Amoet. 



You ask me, Lydia, "whether I 
If you refuse my suit, shall die," 

(Now, pray don't let this hurt you) ; 
Although the time be out of joint, 
I should not think a bodkin's point 

The sole resource of virtue ; 
Nor shall I, though your mood endure, 
Attempt a final water-cure 

Except against my wishes ; 
For I respectfully decline 
To dignify the Serpentine, 

And make hors-d'ceuvres for fishes ; 
But, if you ask me whether I 

Composedly can go, 
Without a look, without a sigh, 

Why, then I answer — No. 

" You are assured," you sadly say 
(If in this most considerate way 

To treat my suit your will is), 
That I shall " quickly" find as fair 
Some new Neaera's tangled hair — 

Some easier Amaryllis." 
I cannot promise to be cold 
If smiles are kind as yours of old 

On lips of later beauties ; 
Nor can I hope to quite forget 
The homage that is Nature's debt, 

While man has social duties ; 
But, if you ask shall I prefer 

To you I honor so, 
A somewhat visionary Her, 

I answer truly— No. 

You fear, you frankly add, " to find 
In me too late the altered mind 

That altering Time estranges " ; 
To this I make response that we 
(As physiologists agree), 

Must have septennial changes; 
This is a thing beyond control, 
And it were best upon the whole 

To try and find out whether 
We could not by some means arrange 
This not-to-be-avoided change 

So as to change together ; 
But, had you asked me to allow 

That you could ever grow 
Less amiable than you are now — 

Emphatically — No. 

But — to be serious— if you care 
To know how I shall really bear 

This much-discussed rejection, 
I answer you. As feeling men 
Behave, in best romances, when 

You outrage their affection ; 
With that gesticulatory woe, 
By which, as melodramas show, 

Despair is indicated ; 
Enforced by all the liquid grief 
Which hugest pocket-handkerchief 

Has ever simulated ; 
And when, arrived so far, you say 

In tragic accents, " Go," 
Then, Lydia, then— I still shall stay, 

And firmly answer no. 

MIRTHFUL MEMORIES, 



— Austin Dobson. 



One evening I visited the refined, intelligent and very beautiful wife of 
one of California's millionaires. We were having a pleasant time together 
when the husband came in and remained. By way of saying something to 
especially please him, I spoke admiringly of his horses and his skill in driv- 
ing them tandem or four-in-hand. He replied complacently : 
" Yea, it is the effluvium that goes from me to my horses ! " 

On account of pity for his wife I forced myself to say. " I think it is 
strength and skill. " 

He added, "And silk." 

I did not dare to look her way, for I felt she muBt wish the earth would 
open and swallow all three of us. 



I used to know very well two women in Massachusetts. One was a deli- 
cate, cadaverous-looking creature, who seemed to be near death. She was 
a widow, had some money and married a second time— a good man, I be- 
lieve— a very good-looking man, I am sure. She used to say, " When I die 
I must be buried near Joseph (her first husband) ; F. S. can be buried 
wherever he likes— by his first wife, if he chooses." Mrs. S. invariably men- 



tioned her second by the first letters of his name. She had a Hfe-size por- 
trait of her first husband made (from one she always wore in a locket) to 
present to her second on a birthday. I asked her if Mr. F. S. was pleased 
with his present. She replied, " He said ' Humph,' and put it down face to 
the wall." Mrs. S. resembled a vampire, and, strange to say, was wild to 
go to every funeral there was in the place. If she was out of town at the 
time she required Mr. F. S. to send her a telegram. This appears to be fic- 
tion, but is every word true as Gospel. Her husband knew what must be 
done to keep peace ; he did it. Mrs. S. first came to the town on a visit to 
an intimate friend — a Mrs. V. She was then a widow. In a case of photo- 
graphs on exhibition in the waiting-room she singled out one for her "next 
husband," as she sportively said to Mrs. V., who met her there. Mrs. V. 
introduced the original of the picture. The widow went skating with him. 
She had no mittens. He " held her hands to keep them warm," he said. 
They were married ; but Mrs. V. had previously enjoyed flirting with the 
good-looking widower and the women grew cold toward each other. Mrs. 
V. was tall, stout, healthy — was always on hand to prepare a corpse 
for burial. She was in great request on that account. She could be made 
useful, although ignorant as a Hindoo. One day she came to me fwe were 
all boarding at the same hotel), saying : 

"If you know what is the matter with Mrs. S., do tell me; I have 
nothing against her." She went on plaintively : " If she should die to- 
morrow I would lay her out with pleasure I " 

Many years ago I was making my way very slowly through one of the 
Western States. At one of the way stations three very pretty girls came 
into the car, who had such looks as plainly said they had been on a frolic at 
a picnic, or quilting, or something of the kind. They were all plump as 
partridges and pink as peaches, looking good enough to eat. They came 
noisily in, thrust themselves all three into one seat — laughing, pushing, 
squeezing each other. Naturally everybody stared at them. In less than 
two minutes the beauty in the center, with violent efforts to extricate her- 
self from the uthers, squealed out : il O, I am scrouged ! " 



At the Buinet House in Cincinnati I saw a very funny thing. At din- 
ner one day there came in with other tranbient guests a very large middle- 
aged woman, with a small young man who seemed to be her son. After 
having eaten her dinner she arose from her chair, which the servant imme- 
diately removed. The lady fancied she must drink some water, and intend- 
ing to sit down in her chair again for a moment, sat down with a fearful 
thud on the floor. The young man took her by the arm to help her up and 
did not let go until he had led her from the dining- hall. Some of the gueBts 
tittered at the poor woman's mishap. One who wns especially guilty in that 
respect received his pay instantly. A waiter, trying to see what caused so 
many smiles, stumbled with a dish of hot peas and they were poured on 
this gentleman's head and neck, much to his astonishment and vexation. 



Another day, at the same hotel, I saw a rustic who had ordered cham- 
pagne, open it, and, in his amazement at the fizz, try to stop it by putting the 
palm of his hand over the bottle. It was of no use. The wine went in every 
direction over him and all who sat near him, instead of into the glasses. 



I used to meet ; 
worth " — who said : 
abused." 



very tall man in Chicago — tall as " Long John Went- 
"In an emergency my legs will never see my body 



An old railroad contractor, who had recently married a young wife, com- 
mitted a. faux pas at the dinner-table one day at a hotel in Haverill, Mass. 
His wife immediately reprimanded him, precisely as she might have cor- 
rected a child. After dinner a friend said to him : 

" I think your wife should keep such things to say to you in private." 

The old man said : " She did just right. Do you suppose I want all 
those people to think we are both fools 1 " 



A female acquaintance once said with a malicious grin : 
(( My husband said to me this morning your daughter had a soul-face (what- 
ever that is), and must be a very talented girl. I told him he was a fool, 
and what he said justBhowed how easy it was for Mm to be mistaken." The 
woman herself was the fool. She was taking lessons in penmanship from a 
man whom I knew, and he told me she often came for a lesson bedecked fore 
and aft with diamonds. 



Charles P , an Eastern man, a laborer employed by me, used to 

amuse by his funny way of saying thingB. One day, telling me the under- 
gardener was untruthful, he said : 

<( Beegumsirhewillliesirwhenthetruthwoulddosir !" 

One day, talking of two friends of his, he said : 
" John has the best wife by half, but Louisy has the best husband by 
whole." 

Of his boarding-house keeper, a very dark, elderly woman, when he saw 
her wearing a new bonnet, he said : 

(t She looks like a black sheep under a new shed." Anol. 



PARSON PEPPER'S VERDICT, 



In Montana a local vigilance committee one day had occasion to sepa- 
rate a man's feet from the ground to cure him of a mania for negotiating 
from travelers at the muzzle of a pistol. The foreman of the coroner's jury 
was a minister known as " Parson Pepper," The parBon made out the ver- 
dict, which was duly signed by the jurors, and when it was opened by the 
proper authorities it was found to read : 

" We find that the deceased came to his death through his inability to 
touch the ground through six feet of space with a pair of three-foot legs. 
There is rest in heaven." 



Long-winded preachers may not be very musical, but they are great 
composers. 



THE WASP. 



3 



PROSTRATED. 



O Porter Ashe, I think it quaint and queer 
That you who've had such wild and weird escapes 
And vanquished danger in so many Bhapes — 

To whom a smash-up in a train is dear 

And rescued ladies are not things to fear — 
Who overcome in jungles giant apes 
And strangle polar bears on lonely capes, 

Should so ignobly end your bright career. 

O irony of Fate ! The warrior bold 
Survives a hundred battles ; at the Last 
He yields his spirit to a donkey-stroke ! 

A bottle knocks out Sullivan ! Behold 
Muldoon by a banana peeling grassed, 
And you, my hero, downed by poison oak ! 



SOCIETY A LA MODE. 



M. le Baron Bonnemains has assured his large circle of devoted creditors 
that he will return to San Francisco and renew the festivities of fashionable 
life as soon as he gets ready. M. le Baron, however, was always rather 
tardy. 

Mrs. the Hon. Zhock Songculot has taken the residence formerly oc- 
cupied by the Stuccups, and will give a series of brilliant deceptions, com- 
mencing next Wednesday evening. It has been aptly remarked that to 
attend one of this charming lady's entertainments is as good as a circus. 

Among the overland passengers on Monday last was the Rev. Dr. 
Chasuble Genuflex, who comes among us in obedience to a call from the 
church of the Holy Temptation. He is one of the most eloquent exponents 
of sin in America and mostly unmarried. Sixteen fashionable young ladies 
belonging to our best families have already been converted by looking at his 
photograph, and will be confirmed as soon as the likeness is. 

The camping party chaperoned by Mrs. Voluptua Celerity has returned 
after an absence of only two days. The gentlemen of the party appear to 
have been singularly inattentive to the young ladies. 

Old man Kermudge complains bitterly in the columns of our esteemed 
contemporary, The Social Detestable, of the treatment he receives at the 
hands of his wife and daughters. He avers that whenever he says anything 
in the presence of their fashionable friends the wife of his bosom looks down 
at her toes and all the girls smile feebly but nobody replies. This is the 
first time that we have ever known the downcast looks and feeble smiles of 
ladies to be deemed a grievance of sufficient importance to justify an appeal 
to the public press. Perhaps the fault is in Mr. Kermudge's private system 
of grammar. 

The engagement is announced of Mr. Porcqueur Munniglut to Miss 
Sappie Hifii. Both parties are well known in San Francisco society and it 
is hoped the wedding presents will be numerous and costly. A gold medal 
will be awarded to the giver of the most expensive, and a premium of ten 
dollars for the most artistic. The ceremony will be performed by Justice 
Field, of the United States Supreme Court, the fair bride being determined 
that the holy bonds shall be as strong and authoritative as they can be 
made. 

The festivities at the wake of Miss Bridget O'Faherty were marked by 
the utmost good humor and delicate decorum, and all would have been en 
regie but for the presence of a reporter for a suciety journal, who insisted on 
examining the hose of the corpse. He explained that it was necessary for 
the public to know if they were of the new and popular shade known as 
"dried mud"; but a large male relative of the remains misunderstood him 
with a fire-poker and the police shortly graced the occasion with their pres- 
ence. 

At a recent fashionable wedding at Grace Church, as the unhappy 
couple passed up the aisle to take their medicine, the organist had the in- 
discretion to play "The Girl I Left Behind Me." The groom, being locally 
famous for the number of times he had broken off former betrothals, was 
naturally disconcerted and was seen to swoon several times. 

A clever mot is attributed to Miss Tartle Sharp. She said the other 
evening that when she was ready to marry she meant to find some man who 
did not suspect her intention, and take him right away from his business 
and marry him alive. " When I invite a man to the altar," she added, '* I 
don't wish to give him a chance to plead a previous engagement." 

The society editor of the Chronicle was a king in his own country. 

The Haybunker and Sunbummer families have composed the differences 
that have for so long a time separated them. It will be remembered by the 
select circle of the elite that has had the advantage of enjoying their hospi- 
tality and feuds that the original cause of dispute was the assertion, made 
by Miss Sunbummer, that Miss Excrusia Haybunker took soup from the 
point of her spoon. Miss Excrusia retorted that Miss Sunbummer had been 
seen to tear the meat from a chicken-bone with her teeth. In the course of 
the coolness that naturally ensued between these distinguished families of 
the haut ton several of the male members of each were shot and the Sun- 
bummer pug was irreparably ham-stringed. It is hoped that the reconcilia- 
tion which has now been effected through the friendly intervention of the 
Chief of Police will last as much as a week. 

When visiting cards are left in person all the corners are now turned 
down and fastened with wax. To turn down but one corner suggests haste, 
which is not genteel. It is unnecessary to state that the wax must be im- 
pressed with a seal. 

The society editor of the Argonaut has ordered a new suit of clothes. 



This was rendered necessary by the sociable familiarity of the crows, which, 
whenever he took a strull in the country, settled upon him thickly, fighting 
for the choice seats about his person, by way of showing their contempt for 
the shallow devices of the husbandman. 

Mammy Pleasance's last tea was very select — no one invited but Mr. 
George W. Tyler and Mrs. Sarah Althea Sharon. The evening was passed 
delightfully in discussion of Mr. Sharon's resurrected Bhirt-flap, concerning 
which Mrs. Sharon composed the following elegy, Mr. Tyler afterward sing- 
ing it, with solemn and touching effect, to the tune that threw Muldoon : 

Though early cut off, yet we will not deplore thee, 

Deficient habiliment, remnant divine ! 
For Barnes to the light at the last shall restore thee 

To flutter forever on memory's line. 

The society editor of the Examiner is the author of a novel and effective 
plan to put our Nob Hill people at their ease in one another's company and 
make their entertainments truly enjoyable. When the guestB are all as- 
sembled the hostess is to say something like this : " My friends, real gentle- 
men and ladies need no artificial restraints to hamper and worry them in 
their social intercourse. The rules of good breeding will now be suspended 
while you remain under this roof." The advantage of laying off one's man- 
ners with one's wraps is obvious ; we regard this innovation as the first step 
toward the abolition of company manners altogether. 

(< Her Finger-nails in Mourning " is the title of a new ballad now very 
popular in our drawing-rooms. The piano accompaniment is commonly 
played in character. 

The Misses Lardidar, attended by their mother, will September in 
Milpitas. 

The Mechanics' Fair at the Pavilion is the attraction that is keeping 
everybody in town ; the summer resorts are now frequented only by people 
who have not the half dollar that is exacted for admittance to this Elysium 
of the elite. 

Mrs. Publicia Blazitabrod has removed from No. 197, Little Kneedeep 
street, to No. 195. 

Mr. Abraham Isaacs has gone East to buy goods. 

John Smith is very low. 

School Directors Grabbit and Snatchup are rusticating in Oakland. 

The family of the Hon. Pulwire Muffe, the eminent statesman of Jack- 
ass Gap, had a magnificent omelette souffle' for dinner one day last week. 
It was got up at the Leper-street Restaurant and reflected great credit on 
that elegant eaterie. 

Mrs. Proliffe and her sixteen (16) daughters are variously conspicuous. 

Mrs. Inspector of Brickwork for the New City Hall Robinson is at the 
Palace. 



VARIATIONS. 



A Sunday paper states that " the real secret of woman's aversion to 
exercise in the country is the fact that she does not care for scenery, or the 
woods, or the sea, as a man careB for all these. There niuBt be a man 
mixed with these things, or she fails to appreciate them." 

Indeed ! Why does a man in personifying Nature, or Night, or Soli- 
tude invariably say of either one "she" and "her"? and always allude 
to his Bhip, or his gun, or his wagon in the same way ? 

A United Presbyterian church in Xenia, Ohio, has voted to withhold 
contributions to the Missionary Boards so long as they give aid to "congre- 
gations using instruments of music in the worship of God." 

Fiddle "D. D." ! 



TKA-TIME. 



" The tea-kettle ! Nothing cheerier ; it will sing for you just the same 
the world over, whether you banish it to the kitchen or bring it to your 
familiar hearth and weave over it thoughts as deep and mysterious as 
Medea's. It will sing for a gypsy if it is hung on two sticks in the wilder- 
nesB, or for the fine lady making tea at a dainty breakfast-table. The tea- 
kettle sings for all but is itself unsung." 

The kettle sings a sweet and ancient rune, 
Gives gurgling feint of not recalling tune, 

Tries diverse keys, to then ere long begin 

A hum like giant top in dizzy spin, 
Not sad like cricket's fife, or wind's bassoon — 

Or what the fire may roaring importune 
Of mine and forest till it fall a-swoon — 
Our cares float from us in its vapor thin, 

The kettle sings— 

With arm akimbo, cap awry, buffoon 

Of merry hornpipe mien, and jolly croon, 

No hint of room outside the pane, wherein 

Move mockingly our mystic shadow-kin, 
But home and mother's smile, this blessed boon 
The kettle sings. 



A novelty in courtship has been introduced in France. The Parisian 
"masher," having little opportunity to meet his beloved, except in the 
presence of her parents or duenna, now consoles himself by carrying her 
portrait on his thumb-nail, fixed by chemicals so that it will not wash off. 

A perpetual game of " Simon says : ' thumbs up ! ' " 

It is well that the " Old Ladies' Home," projected by one of our dead 
millionaires, should at last be given some attention. It has too long had 
nothing but a Lick and a promise. Major Key. 



THE WASP. 



YhzWasp 



VOLUME XIII. 



NUMBMR 8. 



WHOLE NUMBER, tSl. 



SATURDAY, 



AUGUST 23, 1884. 



PUBLISHED EVEBT SATURDAY, AT N0S. 540 AND 542 CALIFORNIA STREET BY 
E. C. MACFARLANE & CO., 

Proprietors and Publishers. 



Teems to StiBsoBiBERs : 
One copy, one year, or r .2 numbers -------- $5 00 

One copy, six months, or 26 numbers - - - 2 50 

One copy for thirteen weeks 125 

Postage free to all parts of the United States, Canada and British Columbia. 
To all other countries one dollar per year extra. The country trade supplied by the 
San Francisco News Company. All Postmasters are authorized to take subscrip- 
tions for the Wasp, payable invariably in advance. 



The following agents are authorized to receive subscriptions and advertisements 
for the Wasp : In Merced, Fresno, Tulare and Kern counties, Wm. R. McQuiddy. 
D. G. Waldbon, General Traveling Agent. 



Directions to discontinue the paper should be given in writing. 



[Entered at the Postoffice at San Francisco for transmission at second-class rates.] 



No questionable advertisements will be inserted in this journal on any terms. 

We have had the advantage of reading in The San Francisco Merchant a 
part of the report of a convention of vine growers in Fresno. The subject 
of most engaging interest to these people was the proposed protective duty 
on raisins which should enable them to compete in the New York market 
with foreign raisin makers. Opinion as to the amount of this duty was 
divided, but five to five-and-a-half cents a pound appeared to be the favorite 
figure. What sum the convention eventually agreed on we have not the 
happiness to know : to us the significant thing was the cause that made the 
duty desirable. It appears that it costs thirty-nine cents to transport a 
twenty-pound box of raisins to New York, and a considerable indignation 
was rather mutely expressed at this outrageous charge by the railroad — 
mutely because Mr. Arpad Haraszthy, the wine merchant, who acted as 
chairman, choked it off as much as possible with the avowed object of secur- 
ing the friendly alliance of the railroad in demanding of Congress the pro- 
tective duty. This is humor itself — rare, fruity, crusty and very superior 
old. The railroad bleeds these people until they cannot place their wares in 
competition with foreign producers unless every man, woman and child in 
the country will put hand in pocket and give them alms. But the railroad 
must not be asked to abate its exactions. It must be kept good humored so 
that it will stand in and assist them to make up from others the losses that 
its own rapacity has inflicted on them — which we should think it could 
hardly have the heart to refuse to do. The plain meaning of all this is that 
foreign raisins are to be made expensive in order that that young and prom- 
ising home industry, the railroad, may take all the profit of the business. 
It is not surprising that a member of the convention said: "I think it 
" pertinent to the subject to ask ; If we get this protective tariff where we 
" want it what guarantee will we have that it will remain with us 1 We are 
' ' paying a tribute to corporations now of 36 cents a box. Their rule is to 
" tax the freight what it will bear. Now if the present rate of freight is 36 
" cents, and we increase our tariff by 40 cents a box of 20 pounds, will not 
"the railroads increase their freight rates by that amount, and so keep us 
" where we are now?" Another gentleman defined his position feelingly 
as follows : " I shall always feel like seceding if Congress will not do some- 
" thing to alleviate our condition and aid our endeavors to build up our in- 
' ' dustry. " We hope this person will not secede, but if he does the expense 
of the war for his subjugation ought to be borne by the corporation that has 
made all the profit out of his grievance. 



The Yahoos appear to be about equally divided between the two polit- 
ical parties. For some time it looked as if Cleveland alone would suffer 
from their unpleasant missiles, but at last the defiling storm has broken 
upon Blaine and makes him compress the nose of him with a mighty loath- 
ing. We do not know that he is deserving of much sympathy in this matter. 
For weeks his supporters were working upon the pelt of Cleveland, covering 
him fathoms deep with the filthy riddances of their imaginations unrebuked 
by their chief. Mr. Blaine cannot plead that he had not the power to stop 
it ; a word of deprecation from him would at any time have called off his 
dogs. It is no secret that he is personally directing his canvass ; his ener- 



getic hand is everywhere felt in any contention that concerns him. By de- 
claring his disbelief in the ribald accusations against his opponent, or affirm- 
ing their unfairness and irrelevancy, he could have silenced the unmanly 
clamor or deprived it tff all effect. At the same time he would have done 
much to elevate the discussion of political expediency to a higher plane of 
decency ; and this would not only have won the admiration of all decent 
men but secured immunity for himself from similar villification. He did 
not speak the word and the inevitable consequence has ensued : he is him- 
self assailed in retaliation and suffers for the sins of his followers. His 
characteristic promptness in his own defense is worthy of commendation ; 
no man of clean intelligence but wishes that the rascally libeler may be made 
to disgorge abundant shekels and be pushed into prison ; and if in his peni- 
tential retirement his solitude might be intensified and debased by the so- 
ciety of every scurril parson and every brutal editor who has assisted to 
spread the Cleveland gossip the world outside would be the sweeter and 
better for it. The course of the press has been even unusually infamous in 
this matter. There is probably not a newspaper in the land that has not 
over and over uttered shrill pipings of editorial deprecation against partisan 
calumny and personal detraction. All the same, nine in ten of them have 
eagerly seized the opportunity to foul their news columns with the horrible 
literature that they hypocritically condemn. They could give points to the 
author of Sudibras — they do not compound for sins they are inclined to by 
damning those they have no mind to, for such have not been invented, but 
by damning the very ones that they are in process of committing. 



The man who next November shall cast his vote for the Prohibition 
candidates for President and Vice-President may justly boast him a shining 
light in the constellation of fools. To vote is either a privilege or a duty — 
people to whom God has denied reason commonly affirm, with some heat, 
that it is both. If it is a privilege one should make the most of it ; if a duty 
it should not be misperformed. To vote for Prohibition is to vote without 
effect. Messrs. St. John and Daniels are no doubt worthy men ; proof of 
the purity of their private lives is found in the fact that no one has thought 
it worth while to charge them with immorality. This ought to be accepted 
as conclusive ; men of so conspicuous and overtopping insignificance could 
hardly afford to ask the suffrage of their fellow citizens if anything in their 
"records" would imperil their obscurity. Let us, then, frankly concede 
the fitness of Mr. St. John to give temperance dinners in the White House, 
and of Mr. Daniels to fondle a glass of cold water as presiding elder of the 
Senate. Nevertheless, either Mr. Cleveland or Mr. Blaine is going to be 
elected President, along with the Vice-President appertaining to his ticket. 
One of these men is better fitted for the office, represents better principles 
and is supported by a better party, than the other. Which of them it is 
every Prohibitionist in whom the spark of intellect is not wholly extinct 
thinks he knows. If his interest in good government is of the lively sort 
implied by his hopeless zeal in the cranky crusade that has enlisted his pas- 
sion, patriotism and common sense alike require that he vote for that man. 
If he will not he is altogether fool and partly knave. The cause he has at 
heart, like all the interests with which it is inseparably connected will be 
injured by election of a bad President, and to that disadvantage the waste 
of his ballot exposes it. But he will show his strength, the good abstainer — 
he will appall the rum-fiend with a tally of cold noses that shall paralyze the 
traditional man-in-th