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THE 



WORKS 



OF 



Dr. Jonathan Swift, 



Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin, 



VOLUME VII. 



LONDON, 
Printed for W. Bowyer, C. Bathurst, W. Owek» 

W. StRAHAN, J. RlVIKGTON, J. HlNTON, L. DaVIS 

and C. Reymirs, R. Baldwin, J Dodslby, 
S. Crowdbr and Co. and B. CouiNt. 

MDCCtXVIIL 



THKNE'.Y Yor:'i 
T'ULIC -LIBRA :,"■.; 

7.T*:';.::-.I-i 

IASTOR. Ltvx «-NLi 
,899 - i 



CONTENTS 

Of VOLUME VII. 

CT~ the Earl of Peterborough Page I 
-*" The Fable of Midas 3 

Dr. Sheridan to J, & D.D. D.S.P.D, 7 

The Anjwer 9 

The Faggot to 

The Author on Himfelf 13 

In Sieknefs it 

To the E. of Oxford in the Tower 19 
Ad Amicum eruditumThomam Sheridan 

20 
Apollo to the Dean 22 

Elegy on Demar the Ufurer 30 

The Run upon the Rc/nker s 32 

Defer iption of an Irifh Feaft 36 

French Epigram on Fafling 40 

Trdnjldtion ibid. 

An excellent new Song on a feditious Pam- 
phlet.. 41 
Carberiae Rupes 44 
Trdnjlaiion 46 
Upon the Plot difcovered by Harlequin 5 o 
Joan- cudgels Ned 5 3 
Stella I at Wood Park - .54 
A quibbling Elegy on Juge Boat 5 8 
Vol. VII. A Epitaph 



iv CONTENTS. 

Epitaph en the fame 59 

Receipt to rejlore Stella's Youth ibid. 

Judge Whitfhed's Motto on his Coach 63 
Sent by Dr. Delany to Dr. Swift 64 

The Atifwer ' 65 

A quiet Life and a good Name 6 7 

Riddles from 70 to 86 

Verfes on Judge Whitflied 86 

On the fame 87 

On the fame ibid. 

A Simile on the Want of Silver in Ireland 

88 
On Wood the Ironmonger 89 

Wood an InfeEi 91 

To Quilca 94 

Horace Booh I. Ode XVI. paraphrafed 95 
On reading Dr. Young's Satires ico 
The Dog and Thief 102 

Advice to the Grub-ftreet V erf e-wr iters 

103 
On Verfes upon the Windows of Inns 104 
Another 105 

Another ibid. 

Another 106 

A pafloral Dialogue, between Richmond- 
Lodge and Marble-Hill ibid. 
Defire and Poffeffton 112 

On 



CONTENTS. v 

On Cenfure 115 

Furniture of a Woman s Mind 116 

Clever Tom Clinch going to be hangd .1 1 9 
On cutting down the old Thorn at Market- 
Hill 121 
On the five Ladies at Sot's- Hole 125 
On burning a dull Poem 127 
A Libel on Dr. Deiany and Lord Carteret 

129 
To Janus on New-year *s~Day 138 

Draper's- Hill 139 

The grand ^uefiion debated 141 

An excellent new Ballad, &c. 155 

The Lady s Drejpng- Room 161 

The Power of Time 1 67 

The Revolution at Market-Hill ibid. 

Traulus 172 

The Second Part 177 

To Betty the Grizette 179 

Death and Daphne 181 

On Stephen Duck 185 

A Panegyrick on the Dean *86 

The Place of the Damnd 201 

A beautifulyoung Nymph going. to Bed 202 
Strephon and Chloe 205 

Apollo, or a Problem folved 219 

CalUnus and Peter 221 

A 2 Judas 



vi CONTENTS. 

Judas 226 

On Mr. P — y's being put out of the council 

228 
To Mr. Gay 230 

On the B — s of Ireland, from Fog's Jour- 
nal 240 
7*o Dr. Swift, with a Prefent of a Paper 
Book 245 
To the fame, with a Silver Standijh 247 
Verfes occajioned by the foregoing Prefent s 

248 
Hardfhip put on the Ladies ibid. 

Love Song in the modern Tafte 249 

OntheWords Brother- Proteftants,^. 251 
On Poetry, a Rhapfody 254 

Legion Club 275 

An Apology, etc. 285 

A new Simile for the Ladies. By Dr. 
Sheridan 292 

The Anfwer 297 

Tim and the Fables 304 

\ POSTHUMOUS PIECES. 

Ode to the Athenian Society 309 

Qde to Sir W. Temple 324 

On Dan Jackfon's Pi&ure cut in Paper 

334 
Another 



CONTENTS. ¥ ii 

Another 33* 

Another * 336 

On the foregoing Pi&ure 337 

Dan Jackfon's Anfwer 339 

An/wertoDzn. Jackfon,^ Mr.G.Roch- 

fort -341 

Anfwer by Dr, Delany 344 

Anfwer by Dr. Sheridan 346 

Dan Jackfon's Reply 348 

Another Reply in Dan Jackfon's Name 

Sheridan's SubmiJ/ion 352 

Tom Mullineux and Dick 353 

Dick, a Maggot 355 

Clad all in Brown 356 

Pick's Variety 358 

The Beajls Confejfton to the Priefl 360 
Advertifement^for the honour of Ireland 

370 
Part of Horace. Ode IX. Book IV. ad- 

dreJfedtoDr. King Archbijhop of ^ Dub- 
lin 372 
Verfes made for Women who cry Apples 

373 

• Afparagus — and Onions 374 

■ Oyjlers — «W Herrings 375 

— — — Oranges 376 

ft 



viii CONTENTS. 

To Love 377 

Verfes written upon a very old Glafs of Sir 

Arthur Achefon's with the Anfwer 

379 
Verfes cut upon a Pane of Glafs in one of 

the Deans Parlours ibid. 

On another Window 380 

Epitaph on Frederick Z)/*/feo/"Schomberg 

382 
A Ballad on the Game of Trajick 383 
Verfes J aid to be written on the Union 385 
Will Wood's Petition to the People of he- 
land, etc. 386 
An Epigram on Wood's Br afs- Money 388 

On the D e of C s 389 

An Epigram on Scolding ibid. 

Catullus de Lefbia ibid. 

In Englijh 390 

Mr. Jafon Hafard, a woollen-draper in 
Dublin, etc. ibid. 

The Author s Manner of Living 391 

To a Lady who defired the Author to write 
fome Verfes upon her in the heroic fly le 

ibid. 
The Difcovery 403 

The Problem^ etc* 4° 5 

A Love 



CONTENTS. ix 

A Love Poem from a Phyfician to his Mif- 

trefs 408 

On a Printer s being fent /^Newgate ^y— 

409 

On the Little Houfe by the Church-yard of 

Caftlenock 410 

Riddles from 41 3 to 424 

To DoBor Sheridan 424 

A Rebus written by a Lady on the Rev* 

Dean Swift 427 

The Anfwer 428 

JPritten by the Rev. Dotlor Swift, on his 

own Deaftiefs 430 

Riddles anfwered 43 1 

A Cantata 433 



POEMS 



V 







P O E MS 

•■' ON 

SEVEkAL OCCASIONS 

To the Earl of PETERBOROW, 
who commanded the Britijh forces in 
Spain, 

Written in the Year £706. 

MORDANT® fills the trump of fame, 
The christian world his deeds pro- 
claim, 
And prints are crowded with his name. 

In journeys he out-rides the port, 
Sits up till midnight with his hoft, 
Talks politicks, and gives the toaft. 

Knows ev'ry prince in Europe s face, 
Flies like a fquib from place to place, 
And travels not, but runs a race. 

From Paris gazette A-la-main y 
This day arriv'd without his train 
Mordanto in a week from Spain, 

Vol. VII. B A mef- 



2 TO THE EARL OF PETERBOROW. 

A meflenger comes all a-reek 
Mordanto at Madrid to feek : 
He left the town above a week. 

Next day the poft-boy winds his horn, 
And rides through Dover in the morn: 
Mordanto* landed from Leghorn* 

Mordanto gallops on alone, 
The roads are with his followers ftrown, 
This breaks a girth, and that a bone : 

His body a&ive as his mind, 
Returning found in limb and wind, 
Except fome leather loft behind. 

A fkeleton in outward figure, 
His meagre corps, though full of vigour, 
Would Halt behind him, were it bigger. 

So wonderful his expedition, 
When you have not the lead fufpicion, 
He's with you like an apparition. 

Shines in all climates like a ftar ; 
In fenates bold, and fierce in war, 
A land- commander, and a tar. 

Heroic 



FABLE OF MIDAS. 3 

tteroic a&ioris eatly bred in, 
Ne'er to be match'd in modern reading, 
But by his name- fake Charles of Sweden* 

The Fable of Midas/ 
Written in the Year 17 12* 

*\JtIDAS y we are in ftoiy told, 
IV A Turn'd ev'ry thing he touched to* 
gold: 



. * The dean, though he did the third or fourth. The firft, 
toot much change the natural fourth and eighth verfes are, 
order of words, was yet very among othere, examples of this 
exa& in his verification \ but rule, which will be illuftrated 
It may be remarked that verfes by changing the ftmclure fo 
of eight fyllables are never har- as to remove the accent from 
monious, if the accent be placed the firfi fy liable to iheftcond* 
on xhtfirft and not repeated till If inftead of, 

Glitter'd, like fpangles on the ground i 
the fourth verfe be read, 

Like fpangles glitter'd on the ground : 
the ear will eafiiy determine fecond, the meafure is not only 
which fhould be preferred : it harmonious, but acquires a 
is however true that when the peculiar force ; the eleventh 
accent is placed on t\ic firji verfe is of this kind, 
fyllable, and repeated at the 

Untouch'd it pafs'd between his grinders, 
Which would be greatly enfeebled by changing it to, 

Ic pafs'd untouch'd between his grinders, 
though the cadence would (till would fail on the fecond fyl* 
be poetical, as the firft accent lablc< 

B 2 He 



4 FABLE OF MIDAS. 

He chifd his bread ; the pieces round 
Glitter'd like fpangles on the ground t 
A codling, ere it went his lip in, 
Would ftrait become a golden pippin : 
He call'd for drink ; you faw him fup 
Potable gold in golden cup : 
His empty paunch that he might fill, 
He fuck'd his victuals through a quill : 
Untouch'd it pafs'd between his grinders, 
Or't had been happy for gold-Anders : 
He cock'd his hat, you would have faid 
Mambrinos helm adprn'd his head : 
W ene'er he chanc'd his hands to lay 
On magazines of corn or baj', 
Gold ready coin'd appear'd, inftead 
Of paultry provejider and bread : 
Hence by wife farmers we are told, 
Old hay is equal to old gold ; 
And hence a critick deep maintains, 
We learn to weigh our gold by grains. 

ThisyW had got a lucky hit ; 
And people fancy'd he had wit. 
Two gods their fkill in mufick try'd, 
And both chofe Midas to decide ; 
He again ft Photbus harp decreed, 
And gave it for Pans oaten reed : 

The 



FABLE OF MIDAS. 5 

The god of wit, to fhew his grudge, 
Ciapt ajfes ears upon the judge ; 
A goodly pair, ercd and wide, 
Which he could neither gild nor hide. " 

And now the virtue of his hands 
Was loft among PaBolus fands, 
Againft whofe torrent while he fwims 
The golden fcurf peels off his limbs : 
Fame fpreads the news, and people travel 
From far to gather goldin gravel ; 
Midas, expos'd to all the jeers, 
Had loft his art, and kept his ears. 

This tale inclines the gentle reader 
To think upon a certain leader ; 
To whom from Midas down defcends 
That virtue in the fingers ends. 
What elfe by perquifites are meant, 
By fenfions, bribes, and three per cent. 
By places and commijftons fold ; 
And turning dung itfelf to gold? 
By ftarving in the midft of ftore 
As {'other Midas did before ? 

None e'er did modern Midas chufie 
Subject or patron of his mufe, 

B 3 But 



6 FABLE OF MIDAS. 

But found him thus their merit (can, 
That Phoebus muft give place to Pan : 
He values not the poet's praife, 
Nor will exchange his plumbs for bays .: 
To Pan alone rich mifers call, 
And there's the jeft, for Pan xsAhlj* 
Here Englijb wits will be to fcek, 
Howe'er, 'tis alt one in the Greek* 

Befides it plainly now appears 
Our Midas too hath affes ears ; 
Where ev'ry fool his mouth applies, 
And whifpers in a thou (and lies, 
Such grofs delufions could not pafs 
Thro' any ears but of an afs. 

But gold defiles with frequent touch j 
There's nothing fouls the hand fo much j 
And fcholars give it for the caufe 
Of Britijh Midas dirty paws ; 
Which while the fenate ftrove to fcour, 
They wafh'd away the chemic. power. 

While he his utmoft ftrength apply *d> 
To fwim againft the poplar tide. 
The golden fpoils flew off apace ; 
Here fell a fenfian, there a place ; 

7 The 



SHERIDAN TO SWIFT. 7 

The torrent mercilefs imbibes 
CommiJfionS) perquifites, and bribes \ 
By their own weight funk to the bottom ; 
Much good may do 'em that have caught 'em. 
And Midas now neglected (lands 
With ajfes mr$ and dirty hands* 

The Reverend Dr^ SHERIDAN to 
. " J. S. D. D. D. S. P. D. 

Written in the Year 171a. 

DE A R.dean, fince in cruxes and puns 
you and I deal, 
Pray why is a woman a fie ve and a riddle? 
'Tis a thought that came into my noddle 

this morning, 
In bed as I lay, Sir, a toiling and turning. 
You'll find, if you read but a few of your 

hiftories, 
All women z&Eve^X women are my fteries. 
To find out this riddle I know you'll be ' 

eager, 
And make every one of the fex a Bel- 
. phegor. 

Jonathan Swift, doctor of divinity, dean of St. Patrick's^ 
Dublin. 

B 4 But 



8 SHERIDAN TO SWIFT. 

But that will not do, for I mean to com- 
mend 'em : 
I fwear without jeft I an honour intend cm, 
In a neve, Sir, their anrient extraction I 

quite tell, 
In a riddle I give you their power and their 

title. 
This I told you before, do you know what 

I mean, Sir ? 
f Not I) by my troth, Sir, — Then read it 

again, Sir. 
The reafon I fend you thefe lines of rhymes 

double 
Js purely through pity to fkve you the 

trouble 
Of thinking two hours for a rhyme as you 

did laft ; 
When your pegafus canter'd in triple, and 

ridfaft. 

As for my little nag, which I keep at 

Parnaffus, 
With Phoebus s leave, to run with his afles, 
Hegoesflowandfure, andhe neverisjaded, 
Y^hile your fiery (teed is whipp'd, fpurr'd, 

baftinaded. 

+ The Dcar/s anfwer, 

PW 



SWIFT TO SHERIDAN. 9 

Pean SWIFT's Anfwer to the Reverend 
Dr.SHERIDAN. 
SIR, 

IN reading your letter alone in my 
hackney, 
Your damnable riddle my poor brains did 

rack nigh. 
And when with much labour the matter I 

crackt, 
I found you miftaken in matter of facV 

A woman's no fieve (for with that you 

begin) 
Becaufe (he lets out more tfian e'er {he 

takes in, 
And that (he's a riddle, can never be right, 
For a riddle is dark, but a woman is light* 
But, grant her a fieye, I can fay fomething 

archer, 
Pray what is a man ? he's a fine linen 

Jearcher f 

Now tell me a thing that wants inter- 
pretation, 
What name for a * maid, was the firft 
man's damnation ? 

f fir Giti) Mmt-Traf, 

If 



to THE FAGGOT. 

If your worftup will pleafe to explain me 

this rebus, 
I fwear from henceforward you (hall be 
my Phoebus. 



From my hackney-coach, Sept. n, 
1 7 12, fajl 12 n noon. 



THE FAGGOT. 

Written in the Tear 1713, when the queen's miniflcrt 
were quarrelling among tbcmfclvcs. * 

OBSERVE the dying father fpeak : 
Try, lads, can you this bundle break; 
Then bids the youngeft of the fix, 
Take up a well-bound heap of (licks. 
They thought it was an old man's maggot ; 
And ftrove by turns to break the faggot : 
In vain: the complicated wands 
Were much too ftrong for all their hands. 
See, faid the fire, how foon 'tis done: 
Then took and broke them one by one. 
So ftrong you'll be, in friendfliip ty'd ; 
So quickly broke if you divide. 

* See more of the author's Vol. II. Letter ii. v. iU. 
endeavours to procure a re- Seealfo Free thoughts on the 

concilemem among them, in frefentjlatt of affairs, Vol. IV. 

Mr. Pope's Profc Works, of ibis collection. 

Keep 



THE FAGGOT. u 

Keep clofe then, boys, and never quarrel. 
Here ends the fable and the moral. 

This tale may be apply 'd in kw words 
To treafurers, comptrollers, ftewards, 
And others, who, in folemn fort, 
Appear with flender wands at court : 
Not firmly join'd to keep their ground, 
But laming one another round : 
While wife men think they ought to fight 
With quarter-frazz^ inftead of white \ 
Or conftable, with fiaff of peace, 
Should come and make the clatt'ring ceafej 
Which now difturbs the queen and court, 
And gives the wbigs and rabble fport. 

In hiftory we never found, 
The confuls fafces * were unbound ; 
ThofkRomam were too wife to think on'r, 
Except to la(h fome grand delinquent. 
How would they blum to hear it faid, 
The praetor broke the conful's head ! • 
Or conful, in his purple gown, 
Came up and knock'd the praetor down ? 

* Fafces, a bundle of rods Qr final] flicks carried before 
the confuls at Rem*. 

Come, 



12 THE FAGGOT. 

Come, courtiers : every man his flick : 
Lord-treafurer, * for once be quick. ; 
And, that they may the clofer cling, 
Take your blue ribbon for a firing. 
Come, trimming Harcourt f, bring your 

mace ; 
And fqueeze it in, or quit your place : 
Difpatch ; or elfe that rafcal Northey % 
Will undertake to do it for thee : 
And be aflur'd, the court will find him 
Prepared to leap oer flicks, or bind 'em. 

To make the bundle ftrong and fafe, 
Great Ormond, lend thy gen'ral's flaff t 
And, if the crofier could be cramm'd in, 
A fig for Lecbmere, King, and Hambden, 
You'll then defy the ftrongeft whig 
With both his hands to bend a twig. 
Though withunited ftrength they all pull, 
From«$0/**r/down to Craiggsand Walpole* 

* Robert Harltj t earl of f>rncy General, brought in 

Oxford. by lord Harcourt, yet very 

f Lord chancellor. dcfirous of the great feal, 
\ Sir Edward Northey, At- 



The 



THE AUTHOR ON HIMSELF. 13 
The AUTHOR upon himfelf. 

Written in the Year 1713. 

A few of thefirft lines were wanting in the copy fent 
us by a friend of the author's. 

♦ #♦ * * * * ♦ * 

* * * * * # #♦ # 
********* 
********* 

BY an old purfu d 
A crazy * prelate, anda royal J prude ; 
By dull divines, who look with envious eyes 
On ev'ry genius that attempts to rife ; 
And paufingo'er a pipe, withdoubtfulnod 
G ive hints, that poets ne'er believe in God ; 
So, clowns on fcholars as on wizards look. 
And take a folio for a conj'ring book§. 

Swift had the fin of wit, no venial crime ; 
Nay, 'tis affirmed, he fometimes dealt in 
rhime; 

• Dr. Sharp, archbifliop of fion; and the queen, upon 
York. fuch affurances, bad given 
% Her late majefty Q, A. away the bUhoprick contrary 
% Archbifhop Sharp, ac- trary to her majefty's firft in- 
cording to Dr. Swift's ac- tentions [which were in fa- 
count, had reprefenud him vour of Swift]. Orrery. 
to the queen as a pcrfon that See a Prophefy found at 
was not a Chrifttan ; a great Windfor^ in Vol. XIV. of 
lady had fupported the aiper- this coJleftion. 

Humour, 



14 THfi AUTHOR ON HIMSELF. 
Humour, and mirth, had place in all he 

writ; 
He reconcil'd divinity and wit : 
He mov'd and bow'd and talk'd with 

too much grace 5 
Nor fhew'd the parfon in his gait or face; 
Defpis'd luxurious wines, and coftly meat 3 
Yet frill was at the tables of the great ; 
Frequented lords \faw tbofe that J aw the 

queen ; 
At Child 's or 7r#^V*never once had been 5 
Where town and country vicars flock in 

tribe, 
Secur'd by numbers from the lay-mens 

gibes, 
And deal in vices of the graver fort, 
Tobacco, cenfure, coffee, pride, and port. 

But, after fage monitions from his 
friends, 
His talents to employ for nobler ends ; 
To better judgments willing to fubmit, 
He turns to politicks his dang'rous wit. 
And how, the public int'reft to fupport, 
By Harley Swift invited comes to court j 

1 

• A coffee-houfe and tavern near St. Pout's, at that time 
much frequented by the clergy. 

Id 



THE AUTHOR ON HIMSELF. t$ 
In favour grows with minifters of ftate j 
Admitted private, when fupcriors wait : 
AndHarIey,not afham'dhis choice toown, 
Takes him to Windfir in his coach alone. 
At Windfor Swift no fooner can appear, 
But*St.yobn comes and whifpersin his ear: 
The waiters ftand in ranks, the yeomen cry, 
Make room ; as if a duke were paffing by. 

Now Finch f alarms the lords : he hears 

for certain, 
This dang'rous prieft is got behind the 

curtain. 
Fincby fam'd for tedious elocution, proves 
That Swift oils many a fpring which 

Harley moves. 
Walpole and Aiflabie $, to clear the doubt, 
Inform the commons, that the fecret's out ; 
'* A certain do&or is obferv'd of late 
<c To haunt a certain minifter of ftate : 
" From whence, with half an eye, we 

" may difcover 
" The peace is made, and Per kin muft 

" come over." 

* Then fecretary of ftate, % They both fpoke againft 

afterwards lord Bolingbroke. the author in the houft of 

t The late earl of Netting- commons, although Aiflabit 

bam, who made a fpeech in the proftffcd much fricndfliip for 

boufe of lords againft Swift, him. 

Tork 



16 ?HE AUTHOR ON HIMSELF. 

York is from Lambeth fent, tp.Qxew the 

queen 
A dangerous treatife writ againft the 

fpleen |, 
Which, by the ftyle, the matter, and the 

drift, 
'Tis thought could be the work of none 

but Swift. 
Poor York I the harmlefs tool of others 

hate, 
He fues to pardon §, and repents too late; 

Now, her vengeance vows 

On Swift's reproaches for her : 

From her red locks her mouth with 

venom fills ; 
And thence into the royal ear inftils. 
The queen incens'd, his fervices forgot, 
Leaves him a vi&im to the vengeful Scot. 
Now thro' the realm a || proclamation. 

fpread, 
To fix a price on his devoted head. 

% TJe of a Tub. g The proclamation was ■• 

$ Hit grace was Tony for gainftthe author of a pamphlet 

what he had kid, and fent a called, 7/fc publick Spirit If tit 

meflTage to the author to it- JWrigi, againft which the Settt 

fire bis pardon. lord* complained. Seevol. IX. 

While 



THE AUTHOR 6ft HIMSELF. 17 
While innocent, he fcorns ignoble flight ; 
tlis watchful friends preferve him by a 
Height. 

By Harteys favour, once again he (nines ; 
Is how carefsM by candidate divines, 
Who change opinions with the changing 

fcehe : 
Lord ! how were they miftaken in the dean ; 
Now Delaware again * familiar grows ; 
And in 5w///'jearthr lifts half his pdvvder'd 

nofe. 
The Scottijh nation, whom he durft offend j 
Again apply that Swift would be their 
friend f. 

By faction tir'd* with grief he waits a while 
His great Contending friends to reconcile, 
Performs what friendship, juftice, truth 

require : 
What could he more, but decently retire J ? 

* Delaware, then lord trea- after the proclamation than 

furer of the houlhold, always before, except the duke of 

carefied the author at court : Argyle, who would never be 

but during the trial of the reconciled, 
printers before the houfe of % About ten weeks before 

.lords, and while the procla- the queen's death, I left the 

mation hung over the author, town, upon occafton of that 

his lordfhip would not fcetn ftcurable breach among the 

to know him. great men at court, and went 

t The Scotch lords treated down to Berkjhire. Mr. Pope's 

and vifued the author more Profe Works* Vol* "II. Let. V. 

C in 



18 IN SICKNESS. 

In SICKNESS. 

Written foon after the author's coming to live in 
Ireland upon the queens death, Odt. 1714. 

'/""■""MS true,-— then why (hould I repine, 

J[ To fee my life fo faft decline? 

But why obfcurely here alone, 

Where I am neither lov ? d nor known ? 

My ftate of health none care to learn ; 

My life is here no foul's concern : 

And thofe with whom I now converfe 

Without a tear will tend my hearfe. 

Remov'd from kind Arbuthnofs aid, 

Who knows his art, but not his trade, 

Preferring his regard for me 

Before his credit, or his fee. 

Some formal vifits, looks, and words, 

What mere humanity affords, 

I meet perhaps from three or four, 

From whom I once expected more ; 

Which thofe, who tend the tick for pay, 

Can ad as decently as they : 

But no obliging tender friend 

To help at my approaching end. 

My life is now a burden grown 

To otheis, ere it be my own. 

2 Ye 



TO THE EARL OF OXFORD. 19 

Ye formal weepers for the fick, 
In your laft offices be quick : 
And fpare my abfent friends the grief 
To hear, yet give me no relief; 
Expir'd to day, entomb'd to morrow, 
When known, will fave a double forrow. 

Tothe Earlof OXFORD, late lord 
treafurer. Sent to him when he was in 
the Tower, before his trial. 

Out of HORACE. 
Written in the Year 1716. 

HO W bleft is he, who for his country 
dies, 
Since death purfues the coward as he flies ! 
The youth in vain would fly from fate's 

attack, 
With trembling knees and terror at his back; 
Though fear fhould lend him pinions like 

the wind, 
Yet fwifter fate will feize him from behind. 

Virtue repuls'd, yet knows not to repine; 
But (hall with unattainted honour fhine ; 

C 2 Nor 



20 AD THOMA M SHERIDAN. 
Nor ftoops to take thejtaff, * nor lays it 

down, 
Juft as the rabble pleafe to fmile or frown. 

Virtue, to crown her fav'rites, loves to try 
Some new unbeaten paffage to the Sky ; 
Where jfove a feat among the gods will give 
To thofe who die for meriting to live. - 

Next, faithful filence hath a fure reward; 
Within our breaft be ev'ry fecret barr*d : 
He who betrays his friend, mall never be 
Under one roof, or in one (hip with me. 
For who with traitors would hisfafety truft, 
Left with the wicked, heaven involve the 

juft? 
And, tho' the villain Tcape awhile, he feels 
Slow vengeance like a blood-hound, at his 

heels. 

Ad Amicdm eruditum / 

THOMAM SHERIDAN. 
Scripfit 0&. Ann. Dom. 1717. 

DELICIjE Sheridan mufarum, dulcis 
amice, 
Sic tibi propitius Permeffi adflumen Apollo 

* A white/?<j^"i? the enfign of the lord trcafurer's office. 

Occurrat, 



AD THOMAM SHERIDAN. 21 

Occurrat, feu te mimum convivia rident, 
.ffiquivocofque fales fpargis, feu ludere ver fu 
Malles; die, Sheridan^ quifnam iuit ille 

deorum, 
Qua? melior natura orto tibi tradidit artem 
Rimandi genium puerorum, atque ima ce- 
rebri 
Scrutandi ? Tibi nafeentiad cunabula Pallas 
Aftitit; & dixit, mentis prsefaga futurae, 
Heu, puer infelix ! noftro fub fidere natus ; 
Nam tu pectus eris fine corpore, corporis 

umbra ; 
Sed levitate umbram fuperabis, voce cica- 

dam : 
Mufca femur, palmas tibi mus dedit, ardea 

crura. 
Corpore fed tenui tibi quod natura negavjr, 
Hoc animi dotes fupplebunt; teque docente, 
Ncc longum tempus, furget tibi do&a ju- 

ventus, 
Artibusegregiis animas inftrucla novellas, 
Grex hincPceonius venit,ecce,y2?/«^r orbi. 
Aft, illi caufasorant; his infula vifa eft 
Pivinam capiti nodo conftringere mitram. 

Nataliste horse non fallunt figna, fed ulque 
Confcius, expedias puero feu la?tus Apollo 

C 3 Nafcenti 



22 APOLLO TO THE DEAN. 

Nafcenti arrifit ; five ilium frigidus horror 
Saturni premit, aut feptem infkverc triones. 

Quin tu alte penitufque latentia {emira 

eernis, 
Quaeque diu obtundendo olimfub luminis 

auras 
Erumpent, promis ; quo ritu faepe" puella 
Sub cinere hefterno fopitos fufcitat igncs. 

Te dominum agnofcit quocunque fub 
aere natus ; 
Quos indulgentis nimium cuftodia matris 
Feffundat: nam faepe videsin ftipite matrem. 

Aureus at ramus, veneranda; dona Sibylla, 
iEneae fedes tantiim patefecit Avernus ; 
Saepe puer tua qucm tetigit femel aurea virga 
Ccelumque terrafque videt, no&emque pro* 
fundam. 

APOLLO to the DEAN. 

Written in the Year 1720. 

RIGHT trufty, and fo forth, — we let 
you to know 
We are very illus'dby you mortals below. 

For 



APOLLO TO THE DEAN. 23 
For firft, I have often by chemifts been told, 
Tho' I know nothing on't, it is I that make 

gold, 
Which when you have got, you (6 careful- 
ly hide it, 
That, fince I was born, I hardly have {py'dit. 
. Then it muft be allow'd, that whenever I 
fhine, 
I forward the grafs, and I ripen the vine; 
To me the good fellows apply for relief, 
Without whom they could get neither 

claret nor beef : 
Yet their wine and their victuals thefe cur- 
mudgeon* lubbards 
Lock up from my fight in cellars and cup- 
boards. 
That I have an ill eye they wickedly think, 
And taint all their meat, and four all their 

drink* 
But thirdly andlaftly, it muft be allow'd, 
I alone can infpire the poetical crowd : 
This is gratefully own'd by each boy in the 

college, 
Whom if I infpire, it is not to my knowledge. 

* Curmudgeon, a word here nal fenfe, of more extenfive 

ufed as an adjedive, now fig- import, being probably a cor- 

pifies a fordid niggardly fellow; ruption of coeur mtcbant, a 

but was, perhaps, in its origi- wicked heart. 

C 4 This 



24 APDLLO TO THE DEAN." 
This ev'ry pretender to rhime will admit, 
Without troubling his head about judg- 
ment or wit. 
Thefe gentlemen ufe me with kindnefs 

and freedom, 
And as for their works, when I pleafe I 

may read 'em : 
They lie open on purpofe on counters and 

ftalls, 
And the titles I view, when I (hine on thp 

walls. 
But a comrade ofy ours, that traitor Delany^ 
Whom I for your fake love better than any, 
And of my mere motion, and fpecial good grace^ 
Intended in time to fucceed in your place, 
On Tuefday the tenth feditioufly came 
Wiih a certain falfe traitrefs, one Stella by 

name, 
To the deanery houfe, and on the north glafs, 
Where for fear of the cold I never can pafs, 
Then and there, viet armis, with a certain, 

utenfil, 
Of value five millings, in Engtifh a pencil, 
DiHrnalicipufly, falfly,andtrait'roufly write, 
Whilft Stella aforefaid ftood by with a light*. 

* See V cries laid to be cut his parlours, among the poft- 
by two of the Dtan's friends humous pieces at the end of 
up oj» a p;im; of Jrjafs in one of this volume. 

6 My 



APOLLO TO THE DEAN, 25 

My fitter has lately depos'd upon oath, 
That (he ftopt in hercourfeto look at them 

both : 
That Stella was helping, abetting and 

aiding ; 
And ftill, as he writ, ftood failing and 

reading : 
^hat her eyes were as bright as myfelf at 

noon-day, 
But her graceful black locks were mingled 

with grey; 
And by the defcription I certainly know, 
? Tis the nymph that I courted fome ten 

years ago ; 
Whom when I with the bed of my talent* 

endu'd 
On her promife of yielding, me acted the 

prude : 
That fome verfes were writ with felonious 

intent, 
Direct to the norths where I never went : 
That the letters appear'd reverfe thro' the 

pane, 
But in Stellas bright eyes they were plac'd 

fight again; 

Wherein 



e6 APOLLO TO THE DEAN. 
Wherein (he diftinclly could read ev'ry line, 
And prefently guefs'd the fancy was mine*. 
Now you fee why his verfes fo feldom are 

{hewn; 
The reafon is plain, they're none of his 

own ; 
And obferve while you live, that no man is 

my 
To difcover the goods he came honeftly 

If I light on a thought, he'll certainly 
fteal it, 

And when he has got it, find ways to con- 
ceal it: 

Of all the fine things he keeps in the dark, 

There's fcarce one in ten but what has my 
mark ; 

And let them be feen by the world if he 
dare, 

I'll make it appear, they are all ftolen 
ware. 



* The mcchanifm of this ing, which appeared inverted 

poemis formed uponamiftake, thro' the pane : but, as the 

which a very flight confidera- writing was not inverted on 

tionof thelawsof vifion would that fide of the glafs at which 

have prevented. The whole Stella looked, it mud nccefla- 

depends upon Cynthia's read- rily be inverted in her eyes. 



jng in Stella's eyes the writ- 



But 



APOLLQ TO THE DEAN. a 7 
But as for the poem he writ on your fafli, 
J think I have now got him under my lafh; 
My fifter tranfcrib'd it laft night to his 

forrow, 
And the publick fhall fee't, if I live till to 

morrow. 
Thro' the zodiac around, it (hall quickly 

be fpread 
In all parts of the globe, where your lan- 
guage is read. 
He knows very well, I ne'er gave a refufal, 
When he afk'dformyaid in the forms that 

are ufual : 
But the fecret is this; I did lately intend 
To write a few verfeson you, as my friend : 
J ftudied a fortnight, before I could find, 
As I rode in my chariot, a thought to my 

mind, 
Andrefolv'd the next winter (for that is my 

time, 
When the days are at mortefl) to get it in 

rhime ; 
Till then it was lock'd in my box at Par- 

najfus : 
When that fubtle companion, in hopes to 

furpafs us, 

Conveys 



' 28 APOLLO TO THE DEAN. 
Conveys out my paper of hints by a trick, 
(Fori think in my conference he deals with 

old nick) 
And, from my own ftock provided with to- 

picks, 
He gets to a window beyond both the 

tropicks; 
There out of my fight, juft againft the 

north zone, 
Write* down my conceits, and calls them 

his own ; 
And you, like a cully, the bubble can 

fwallow : 
Now, who but Delany, that writes like 

Apollo f 
High treafon by ftatute ! but here you ob- 

jca, 

He only Hole hints, but the verfe is cor- 
rect; 

Tho' the thought be Apollo s, 'tis finely 
exprefs'd, 

So a thief fteals my horfe, and has him well 
drefs'd. 

Now whereas the faid criminal feems paft 
repentance. 

We Phoebus think fit to proceed to the fen- 
tence. 

Since 



APOLLO TO THE DEAN. 29 

Since Delany has dar'd, like Prometheus his 

fire, 
To climb to our region, and thence to fteal 

fire; 
We order a vulture, in fliape of the fpleen, 
To prey on his liver, but not to be feen. 
And we order our fubje&s of ev'ry degree 
To believe all his yerfes were written by me: 
And, under the pain of our higheft dif- 

pleafure, 
To call nothing his but the rhime and the 

meafure. 
And laftly, for Stella j u ft out of her prime, . 
I'm too much revenged already by time. 
In return to her fcorn, I fent her difeafes, 
But will now be her friend, whenever {he 

pleafes: 
And the gifts I beftow'd her will find her 

a lover, 
Tho' fhe lives to be grey as a badger all 

over. 



An 



30 AN ELEGY ON THE 

An Elegy on the much-lamented death 
of Mr. Demar, the famous rich ufurer % 
who died the Jixth of July 1720. 

Written in the Year 1720. 

Tf" NOW all men by thefe prefents> death 
•*~ *• the tamer 

B) 'mortgage hath fecur'd the corps olDetnar\ 
Nor canfeur hundred thoufandfler ling pound 
Redeem him from his prifon under grouqd. 
His heirs might well, of all his wealth 

poffeft, 
Beftow to bury him one iron cheft. 
PlutuSj the god of wealth, will joy to know 
His faithful ftewards in the fhades below. 
He walk'd the ftreets, and wore a thread- 
bare cloak; 
He din'd and fupp'd at charge of other 

folk; 
And by his looks, had he held out his palms, 
He might be thought an objedt fit for alms ; 
to, to the poor if he refus'd his pelf, 
He us'd them full as kindly as himfelf. 

Where'er he went, he never fawnish?//*™; 
Lords, knights and f quires, were all his 
humble debtors ; 

And 



DEATH OF Mr. DEMAll. 31 
And under band and feal the irijh nation 
Were forc'd to own to him their obligation. 

He that could once have half a king- 
dom bought, 
In half a minute is not worth a groat. 
His coffers from the coffin could not fave, 
Nor all his int' reft keep him from the grave. 
A golden monument would not be right, 
Becaufe we wifli the earth upon him light. 

Oh! London tavern*! thou haft loft a 

friend, 
Tho' in thy walls he ne'erdid farthing fpend: 
He touch d the fence when others touch d 

the pot ; 
The hand that fign'd the mortgage paid the 

fliot. 

Old as he was, no vulgar known difeale 
On him could ever boaftapow'r to feize; 
But, as his gold he weigh'd, grim death in 

fpight 
Caft in his dart, which made three moi- 

dores light ; 
And as he faw his darling money fail, 
Blew his laft breath to fink the lighter (bale. 

* A tavern in Dublin where Dtmar kept his office. 

He, 



32 THE RUN UPON BANfcEfcS. 
He, who fo long was current ', 'twould 

be ftrange 
If he fhou'd now be cryd down (ince his 

change. 

Thefexton (hall green fodson thee beftowi 
Alas, the fexton is thy banker now. 
A difmal banker muft that banker be, 
Who gives no bills but of mortality *i 

77je Run upon the Bankers. 
Written in the Year 1720. 

h 

TH E bold encroachers on the deep 
Gain by degrees huge trafts of land* 
Till Neptune^ with one general fweep, 
Turns all again to barren flrand. 

II. 

The multitude's capricious pranks 
Are faid to reprefent the feas ; 

Which, breaking bankers and the banks, 
Reftime their own whene'er they pleafe. 

♦.. 

* See an epitaph on this mifer, vol. VI. p. 222. 

III. 



THE RUN UPON BANKERS. 33 

III. 

Money, the life bteod of the nation, 
Corrupts and ftagnates in the veins, 

Unlefs a proper circulation 

Its motion and its heat maintains. 

IV. 

Becaufe 'tis lordly not to pay, 
Quakers and aldermen in ftate 

Like peers have levees ev'ry day 
Of duns attending at their gate. 

V. 

We want our money on the nail ; 

The banker's ruiri'd if he pays : 
They feem to ad an ancient tale ; 

The birds are met to ftrip the jays, 

VI. 

Riches, the wifeft monarch * fings, 
Make pinions for thetnf elves tofiy: 

They fly like bats on parchment wings, 
And geefe their fiver plumes fupply. 

* Solomon* 

Vol. VII. VII. 



I 



34 THE RUN UPON BANKERS. 

VIL 

No money left for fquandVing heirs ! 

Bills rurn the lenders into debtors : 
The vvifti of Nero now is theirs, 

That they had never known their letters*, 

VIII. 

Conceive the works of midnight hags, 
Tormenting fools behind their backs : 

Thus bankers o'er their bills and bags 
Sit fqueezing images of wax f. 

IX. 

Conceive the whole enchantment broke ; 

The witches left in open air, 
With pow'r no more than other folk, 

Expos'd with all their magic ware. 

X. 

So pow'rful are a- banker's bills, 

Where creditors demand their due ; 

They break up counters, doors, and tiHs, 
And leave the empty chefts in view. 

* It is faid of Nero 9 that r he wiffied he could not write, 

wnenhefirftcamctotheimpe- + Witches were fabled to 

rial dignity from the tutorage torment the abfentby roafting 

of Seneca, being afked tofign or otherwife ill-treating their 

a warrant for an execution, images in wax. 

XI. 



THE RUN UPON BANKERS. 35 

XI. 

Thus- when an earthquake lets in light 
Upon the god of gold and belly 

Unable to endure the fight, 

He hides within his darkeft cell. 

1 

XII. 

As when d conj'rer takes a leafe 
From Satan for a term of years, 

The tenant's in a difmal cafe, 

When e'er the bloody bond * appears* 

XIII. 

A baited banker thus defponds, 

From his own hand forefees his fall ; 

They have his foul, who have his bonds ; 
'Tis like the writing on the wall f. 

XIV. 

How will the caitiff wretch be fcar'd, 
When firft he finds himfelf awake 

At the laft trumpet unprepar'd, 

And all his grand account to make ? 

• Thefe contra£ts were always fuppofed to be figned with 
blood. \Ment mine tekel upbarfm. 

D 2 XV- 



36 THE DESCRIPTION OF 

XV. 

For in that univerfal call 

Few bankers will to heav'n be mounters 
They'll cry, Te fhops, upon us /a//, 

Conceal and cover us, ye counters : 

XVI. 
When other hands the fcales fhall hold, 

And they in men and angels fight 
Produc'd with all their bills and gold, 

.Weigftdin the balance, and found Ugh 

The Defcription of an Irifli Feafi, tranj 
lated altnojl literally out of the orhim 
Irifli. 

Tranflated in the Year 1720; 



r\ROURlCs noble fare 
^*~ Will ne'er be forgot, 
By thofe who were there, 
Or thofe who were not. 
His Fevels to keep, 
We fup and we dine 
On feven fcore fheep 
Fat bullocks and fwine, 
6 



tJfquebaugh 



AN. IRISH FEAST, 37 

Ufquebaugh to our feaft 
In pails was brought up, 
An hundred at lead, 
And a * madder our cup, 
O there is the fport ! 
We rife with the light 
Jn diforderly fort 
From fnoaring all night, 

how was I trick'd 1 
My pipe it was broke, 
My pocket was pick'd, 

1 loft my new cloak. 
I'm rifled, quoth Nell, 
Of mantle and § kercher t 
Why then fare them well, 
The de'el take the fearcher. 
Come, harper, ftrike up j 
But, flrft, by your favour, 
Jtoy, give us a cup : 

Ah! this has fbme favour. 
O Rourk's]o\\y boys 
Ne'er dreamt of the matter, 
Till, rous'd by thenoife 
And muucal clatter, 

# Wooden yeffel. § Handkerchief. 

P3 They 



38 THE DESCRIPTION Of 

They bounce from their neft, 

No longer will tarry. 

They rife ready dreft. 

Without one ave mary* 

They dance in around, 

Cutting capers and ramping ; 

A mercy the ground 

Did not burft with their ftamping. 

The floor is all wet 

With leaps and with jumps^ 

While the water and fweat 

Splifh iplafh in their pumps, 

Blefs you late and early, 

Laughl'm Enagin, 

By my * hand, you dance rare!y ? 

•f Margery Grinagin. 

Bring ftraw for our bed, 

Shake it down to the feet, 

Then over us fpread, 

The winnowing fhect : 

To (hew I don't flinch. 

Fill the bowl up again ; 

Then give us a pinch 

Qf your fneezing, % ayeatu 

* An Irijb oath. ■)• The name of an Irijb woman. 

% An It ijb word tor a woman. 

Good 



AN IRISH FEAST. $r 

Good lord, what a fight, 
After all their good cheer, 
For people to fight 
In the mid ft of their beer ! 
They rife from their feaft, 
And hot are their brains, / 
A cubit at leaft 
The length of their * fkeans. 
What ftabs and what cuts, 
What clatt'ring of flicks; 
What ftrokes on the guts, 
What baftings and kicks ! 
With cudgels of oak 
Well harden'd in flame 
An hundred heads broke, 
An hundred ftruck lame. 
You churl, I'll maintain 
My father built Lujk t 
The cattle of Slain, 
And Carrick Drumrujk. : 
The earl of Kildare 
And Moynaltciy his brother, 
As great as they are, 
I was nurftby their mother f. 

§ Daggers or fhort fwords. and their children fofter-bro- 

t It is the cuftom in Inland thers or fofter- fiftcrs ; and thu* 

to call nurfes fofter-mothers ; the pooreft claim kindred 

their hulbands foft«r- fathers; with thcrichcft. 

D 4 Afk 



4© AN IRISH FEA$T T 

Aflc that of old madam, 

She'll tell you who's who 

As far up as Adam, 

She knows it is 'true. J 

Come down with that beam. 

If cudgels are fcarce, 

A blow on the weam, 

Or a kick on the a--fe. 

A French gentleman dining with Jbme com- 
pany on a f aft-day, called for fome bacon 
and eggs. The reft were very angry y and 
reproved him for fo heinous a fin; where- 
upon he wrote the following lines extem- 
pore, which are here tran/lated. 

T)EUT on croire avec bonfens 
-*- Quun lardon le mit en colere. 
Ou, que manger un harang, 

Geft unfecret pour luy plaire f 
En fa gloire envelope, 

Songe-t-il bien de nosfoupes f 

In ENGLISH. 

VT7HOcan believe with common fenfe, 
* V j± bacon-flice gives God offence, 

Or, 



A SONG. 4^ 

(9r, how a herring hath a charm 
Almighty vengeance to dilarm? 
Wrapt up in majefty divine, 
Poes he regard on what we dine ? 

An, excellent new S O N G on a feditiou* 
pamphlet.* 

To the Tune of Packington's Pound. 
Written in the Year 1720. 

B ROC ADOS and damafks, and tab- 
bies, and gawfes, 
Are by Robert Balkntine lately brought 
over, 
With forty things more : now hear what 

the law fays, 
. Whoe'er will not wear them, is not the 
king's lover. 

Tho' a printer and dean 
Seditioufly mean 
Our true Irijb hearts from old England to 
wean j 

• Propofal for the unjverfal ufe of Irijb manufactures, for 
which Waters the printer was profecuted. See vol. X. 

We'll 



4* A SONG. 

We'll buy Englijh filks for our wives and 

our daughters, 
In lpite of his deanlhip and journeyman 

Waters, 

II. 

In England the dead in woollen are clad, 
The dean and his printer then let us cry 

fye on ; 
To be cloth'd like a carcafe would make 

a teague mad, 
Since a living dog better is than a dead lioq. 

Our wives they grow fullen 

At wearing of woollen, 
And all we poorfhopkeepersmuft our horns 

pull in. 
Then we'll buy Englijh filks for our wives 

and our daughters, 
In fpite of his deanmip and journeyman. 

Waters. 

III. 

Whoever our trading with England would 
hinder, 
To inflame both the nations do plainly 
confpire ; 
Becaufe Irifh linen will foon turn to tinder, 

And 



A S O N G. 4j 

^Vnd wool it is greafy, and quickly takes 
fire. 

Therefore I aflure ye, 
Our noble grand jury, 
When they faw the dean's book, they were 

jn a great fury ; . . 

They would buy Englijh filks for their 

wives and their daughters, 
Jn fpite of his deanftiip and journeyman 
Waters, 

IV. 

This wicked rogue Waters, who always is. 
finning, 
And before Corum nobus fo oft has been 
call'd, 
Jlenceforvvard (hall print neither pamphets 
nor linen, 
And, if fwearing can do't, fliall be 
fwingingly mawl'd : 
And as for the dean, 
You know whom I mean, 
If the printer wi}l peach him, he'll 
fcarce come off clean. 
Then well buy Englijh filks for our wives 

and our daughters, 
In fpite of his deanfhip and journeyman 
Waters, Carberia 



44 

CarherU Rapes in Comitate Cor- 
gagenfi apud Hybernicos. 

Scripfit Jun. Ann. Dom. 1723. 

ECCE ingens fragmen fcopuli, quod 
vertice fummo 
Defuper impendet, nullo fundaminenixum 
Decidit in fludtus: maria undique & un- 

dique faxa 
Horrifono ftridore tonant, & ad aethera 

murmur 
Erigitur; trepidatque (msNeptunus in undis. 
Nam, longa venti rabie, atquc afpergine 

crebra 
iEquorei laticis, fpecus ima rupe cavatur : 
Jam fultura ruit, jam fumma cacumina 

nutant ; 
Jam cadit in praeceps moles, & verberat 

undas. 
Attonitus credas, hinc dejecifle Tonantem 
•Montibusimpofitos montes, & PeliondXtum. 
In capita anguipedum ccelojaculaflegigan-* 
turn. 

Saepe ctiam (pelunca immam* aperitur 
hiatti 

Exefe 



. CARBERIiE RUPES. 45 

Exefae fcopuHs,&utrinqueforamina pandit, 
Hinc atque hinc a ponto ad pontum pervia 

Phoebo. 
Cautibus enormjk jundtis laquearia te&i 
Formantur; moles olim ruitura fupernc. 
Fornice fublimi nidos pofuere palumbes, 
Inque imo ftagni pofuere cubilia phoca;.- 

Sed, cum fjevit hiems, & vend, carcere 

rupto, 
Immenfos volvunt flu&us ad cuJmina 

montis. 
Non obfeffe arces, non fulmina vindice 

dextra 
Mifla Jovis, quoties inimicas faevit m urbes, 
Exaequant fonitum undarum, veniente pro- 

cella : 
Littora littoribus reboant ; vicinia lat£, 
Gens aflueta marl, & pedibus percurrers 

rupes, 
Terretur tamen, & long£ fugit, arva relin- 
quensw 

Gramina dum cafpunt pendentes rape i 
capelte, * * 

Vi falientis aquae de fummo praecipitantur, 
Et dulces animas imo Tub gurgite linquunt. 

Pifcator ^ 



46 CARBERIjE RUPES. 

Pifcator terra non audet vellere fune 
Sed latet in portu tremebundus, & a 

fudum 
Haud fperans, Nereum precibus votif< 
fatigat. 

tVe have added a tranjlation qftbepreced 
foetn for the benefit of our Englifli ret 
ers. It is done by Mr. W, Dunk 
M. A. for whom ourfuppofed author h, 
exprejfeda great regard on account of 
ingenious performances^ although urn 
quainted with him. 

Carboy rocks , in the county of Cork , I 

land. 

IO ! from the top of yonder cliffy tr 
jl fhrouds 
Its airy Bead amidft the azure clouds, 
Hangs a huge fragment; deftituteofpro 
Prone on the waves the rocky ruin drop 
With hoarfe rebuff the fwelling feas r 

bound, 
From fhore to (liore the rocks return tl 
found: 



Tl 



CARBtfRY ROCKS. 47 

The dreadful murmur heaven's high con- 
vex cleaves, 
And Neptune fhrinks beneath his fubjed 

waves : 
For, long the whirling winds and beating 

tides 
Had fcooped a vault into its nether fides. 
Now yields the bafe, the fummits nod, now 

urge 
Their headlong courfe, and lafh the found- 
ing furge. 
Not louder noife could {hake the guilty 

world, 
When yottfheap'd mountains upon moun- 
tains hurl'd ; 
Retorting Pelion from his dread abode, 
To crufh earth's rebel-fons beneath the 
load. 

Oft too with hideous yawn the caverns 
wide 
Prefent an orifice on either fide, 
A difmal orifice, from fea to fea 
Extended, pervious to the god of day : 
Uncouthly join'd the rocks ftupendous 

form 
An arch, the ruin of a future fiorm : 

High 



48 CARBERY ROCKS. 

High on the cliff their nefts the woodquejl 

make, 
And fea- calves (table in the oozy lake. 

But when bleak winter with his fuller 

train 
Awakes the winds to vex the watry plain; 
When o'er the craggy (teep without can- 

troul, 
Big with the blaft, the raging billows rowl; 
Not towns beleaguer'd, not the flaming 

brand, 
Darted from heav'n by Jowes avenging 

hand, 
Oft as on impious men his wrath he pours, 
Humbles their pride, and blafts their gilded 

tow'rs, 
Equal the tumult of this wild uproar : 
Waves rufh o'er waves, rebellows (hore tc 

(hore. 
The neigh'bring face, tho* wont to brav( 

the (hocks 
Of angry feas, and run along the rocks, 
Now pale with terror, while the ocear 

foams, 
Fly far and wide, nor trull their native 

homes. 

Th< 



CARSERt ROCKS. 49 

The goats, while pendent from the 

mountain-top ; 
The wither'd herb improvident they crop, 
Wafli'd down the precipice with fudden 

fweep 
Leave their fweet lives beneath th* unfa- 

thonVd deep. 
The frighted fiflierj With defponding eyes, 
Tho' fafe,yet trembling in the harbour lies, 
Nor hoping to behold the flcies ferene, 
Wearies with vows the monarch of th« 

main. 



Vol. VII. E UPON 



[ 5* ] 
U P O N T H E 

HORRID PLOT 

DISCOVERED BY 

H A RLEQUIN, 

The Bifhop of Rochester's French 

Dog *. 

In a Dialogue between a Whig and a Tory* 
Written in the Year 1723. 

IAfk'd a whig the other night, 
How came this wicked plot to light? 
He anfwer'd, that a dog of late 
Inform'd a minifter of ftate. 
Said I, from thence I nothing know ; 
For, are not all informers fo ? 
A villain, who his friend betrays, 
We ftyle him by no other phrafe ; 
And fo a per jur'd dog denotes 
Porter, and Prendergaft, and Oaies, 
And forty others I could name. 

Whig. But you muft know, this dog was 
lame. 

* See the proceedings in parliament a:»ainft Dr. /fttertttry 
the biHiop of P.odeJUi; iiaie 7'rL/s, Vol." VI. 

Tcrj. 



*THE fRENCH-DO G. 51 

Tory, A weighty argument indeed 1 
Your evidence was lame: — proceed : 
Gome, help your lame dog oer theftyle. 

Whig. Sir, you miftake meafl this while : 
I mean a dog (without a joke) 
Can howl, and bark, but never fpoke. 

Tory. I'm ftill to feek, which dog you 
mean ; 
Whether curr Plunkeit, or whelp She an y 
An Eng/i/b or an Ir/'Jh hound j 
Or t'other puppy that wasdrown'd, 
Or Mafon> that abandon'd bitch : 
Then pray be free, and tell me which : 
For ev'ry ftander-by was marking 
That all the noife they made was barking. 
You pay them well ; the dogs have got 
Their dogs-heads in a porridge pot : 
And 'twas but juft ; for wife men fay, 
That evry dog muji have his day. 
Dog Walpole laid a quart of nog on't, 
He'd either make a hog or dog orit ; 
And look'd, fince he has got his wifri, 
As if he had thrown down a dip. 
Yet this I dare foretel you from it, 
He'll foon return to his own vomit. 

Whig. BefideS) this horrid plot was found 
By Neynoi) after he was.drown'd. 

E 2 Tory, 



52 UPON THE 

Tory. Why then the proverb is not right! 
Since you can teach dead dogs to bite. 

Whig, I prov'd my propofition full : 
But Jacobites are ftrangely dull. 
Now let me tell you plainly, fir, 
Our witnefs is a real curr y 
A dog of fpirit for his years, 
Has twice two legs, two hanging ears ; 
His name is harlequin, I wot, 
And that's a name in ev'ry plot: 
Refolv'd to fave the Britijh nation, 
Though French by birth and education; 
His correfpondence plainly dated 
Was all decypher'd and tranjlated : 
His anfvvers were exceeding pretty 
Before the fecret wife committee : 
Confeft as plain as he could bark : 
Then with his fore-foot fet his mark. 

Tory. Then all this while have I been 
bubbled, 
I thought it was a dog in doublet: 
The matter now no longer flicks ; 
For ftatefmen never want dog-tricks. 
But fince it was a real curr, 
jAnd notaafoo-in metaphor, 
"I give you joy of the report, 
That he's to have a place at court. 

Whig. 



FRENCH DOG, 53 

Whig. Yes, and a place he will grow 
rich in; 
A turn-fpit in the royal kitchen. 
Sir, to be plain I tell you what, 
We had occafion for a plot : 
And, when we found the dog begin it, 
We guefs'd the bifliop's foot was in jt. 

Tory, I own it was a dang'rous project; 
And you have prov'd it by dog-logick. 
Sure fuch intelligence between 
A dog and bifhop ne'er was feeny 
Till you began to change the breed ; 
Your bifhops all are d— ~gs indeed. 

JOAN cudgels NED. 
Written in the Year 1723. 

fjCO AN cudgeh Ned, yet/VWs ability; 
^J Will cudgeh Befs, yet Wills a cully. 
Pie Ned and Befs ; give Will to Joan, 
She dares not lay her life's her own. 
Die Joan and Will; give Befs to Ned, 
And ev'ry day (he combs his head. 



E 3 Stella 



C 54 ] 

STELLA at Wood- park, 

s4 Houfe of Ch&rUsFord, Efa; eight ml 
from Dublin. 

- . Cuicumque nocere vole bat 
Vejiimenta dabat pretiofa. 

Written in the Year 1723. 

DON Carlos, in a merry fpight, 
Did Stella to his houfe invite : 
He entertain'd her half a year 
With gen'rous wines and coftly chear. 
Don Carlos made her chief director, 
That (he might o'er the fervants h,e<Sror. 
In half a week the dame grew nice, 
Got all things at the higheft price : 
Now at the table head (he fits, 
Prefented with the niceft bits : 
She look'd on partridges with fcorn^ 
Except they tailed of the corn : 
A haunch of ven'fon made her fweat,, 
Unlefs it had the right fumette. 
Don Carlos earneftly would beg ? 
Dear madam, try this pigeon's leg ; 
Was happy, when he could prevail 
To make her only touch a quail. 

Throug 



STELLA AT WOOD-PARK. 55 
Through candle light (he view'd the wine 
To fee that ev'ry glafs was fine. 
At laft, grown prouder than the devil 
With feeding high and treatment civil, 
Don Carlos now began to find 
His malice work as he defign'd. 
The winter- flcy began to frown, 
Poor Stella muft pack, off to town ; 
From purling dreams and fountains bub- 
bling. 
To * Liffys (linking tide at Dublin : 
From wholefome exercife and air, 
To foiling in an eafy chair : 
From ftomach fharp, and hearty feeding, 
To piddle like a lady breeding : 
From ruling there the houfliold fingly, 
To be directed here by + Dinghy : 
From ev'ry day a lordly banquet, 
To half a joint, and Ood be thanked: 
From ev'ry meal Pontack in plenty, 
To half a pint one day in twenty : 
From Ford attending at her call, 
To vifits of — — — 

From Ford, who thinks of nothing mean. 
To the poor doings of the dean : 

* The river that runs through Dublin. 

t A lady : The two ladies lodged togetheii 

E 4 From, 



5 6 STELLA AT WOOD-PARI, 

From growing richer with good chear, 
To running out by ftarving here. 

But now arrives the difrnal day ; 
She muft return to * Ormond Quay. 
The coachman ftopt \ (he look'd and fworp 
f he rafcal had miftook the door : 
At coming in you Taw her ftopp ; 
The entry brufli'd againft her hoop : 
JSach moment rifing in her airs, 
She curft the narrow winding flairs : 
Began a thoufand faults to fpy ; _ 
The ceiling hardly fix feet high ; 
The fmutty wainfcot full of cracks : 
And half the chairs with broken backs \ 
Her quarter's out at Lady-Day^ 
She vows fhe will qo longer ftay 
In lodgings like a poqr Gri%ette x 
While there are lodgings to be let f 

Howe'er, to keep her fpirits up, 
She fent for company to fup : 
When all the while you might remark, 
f>he ftrove in vain to ape fPood park. 
TTwo bottles call'd for (half her ftore, 
The cupboard could contain hut four:} 
A fupper worthy of herfeif, 
Five nothings in five plates of delf. 

* yn»?re the tyo ladies lodged. 



STELLA AT WOOD-PARK. j 7 
Thus for a week the farce went on 5 
When all her country-favings gone, 
She fell into her former fcene, 
Small beer, a herring, and the dean, 
Thus far irijeft; though now I fear, 
You think my jefting too fevere; 
-But poets, when a hint is new, 
Regard not whether falfe or true? 
Yet raillery gives no offence, 
Where truth has not the lead pretence j 
Nor can be more fecurely plac'd 
, Than on a nymph of Stellas tafte, 
I muft confefs, your vine and vittle; 
I was too hard upon a little : 
Your table neat, your linen fine 5 - 
And, though in miniature, you fhine: 
Yet when you figh to leave Wood-park^ 
The fcene, the welcome, and the fpark, 
To languim in this- odious town, 
And pujl your haughty ftomach down ; 
We think you quite miftake the cafe, 
The virtue lies not in the place: 
For though my raillery were true, 
A cottage is Wooq*-park with you. 



A<iHib- 



I'orfliipful 






hange thy 

Hce Boat. 
lgfcem'd 

>as furl'd, 
court, 
thej&or.r_l 
igeryfo 

s cntrcn- 



boats 



on 



?ncileit? 
*c a pilau 

I fcamcn lire. 
XXtiJL 




TasT 
Fo 



ELEGtf ON JUDGE BOAT. 59 

With ev'ry wind he fail V, and well could 

tack : 
. 'Had many pendents, butabhorr'd a * 'Jack. 
He's gone, although his friends began to 

hope, 
That he might yet be lifted by a rope. 

Behold the awful bench y on which he fat; 
He was as hdrdand ponderous wood as that: 
Yet, when his /and was out, we find at laft, 
That death has overfet him with a blafl. 
Our Boat is nowfaifd to the Stygian ferry, 
There to fupply old Charon s leaky wherry : 
Charon in him will ferry fouls to hell ; 
A trade oxirfBoat hath pradtis'd here fo 

welh 
And Cerberus hath ready in his paws 
. Both pitch and brimjlone to fill up his flaws. 
Yet fpite of death and fate, I here maintain 
We may place Boat in his old pofi again. 
The way is thus 3 and well deferves your. 

thanks : 
Take the three ftrongeftof hisbrokenplanks, 
Fix them on high, confpicuous to be feen, 
Form'd like the triple-tree near % Stephens 
greeny 

* A cant word for a facobite. f In hanging people as a 
judge. % Where the Dublin gallows (lands. 

And, 



60 RECEIPT FOR STELLA, 
And, when we view it thus with thief * 

end on't, 
We'll cry 5 look, here's our Boat, and therc'i 

the pendant. 

The EPITAPH. 

ZJERE lies judge Boat within a coffin ; 
^ ■* Pray^gentle-folksyforbearyourfcoffwg. 
A Boat a judge f yes ; where s the blunder} 
A wooden judge is nofuch wonder \ 
And in his robes, jou mufi agree. 
No Boat was better deckt than be. 
'Ttsneedlefs to defcribe him fuller \ 
In Jhorts he was an able * fculler. 

A Receipt to reftore Stella's Youth, 
Written in the Year 1724-5, 

THE Scottijh hinds, too poor to houfo 
In froity nights their flarving cows, 
While not a blade of grafs or hay 
Appears from Michaelmas to May, 
Muft let their cattle range in vain 
For food along the barren plain. 

* QwJx Whether the author meant fcholar, and wilfully 
miftook. 

Meagre 



RECEIPT FOR StEtLA. 6t 

Meagre and lank with failing grown, 
And nothing left but ikin and bone; 
Expos'd to want, and wind, and weather, 
They juft keep life and foul together, 
*Till fummer fhow'rs and evening's dew 
Again the verdant glebe renew; 
And as the vegetables rife, 
The famiOi'd cow her want fupplies : 
Without an ounce of laft year's flefti t 
Whate'er flie gains is young and frefli ; 
Grows plump and round, and full of mettle) 
As rifing from Medea s kettle, 
With youth and beauty to enchant . 
Europds counterfeit gallant *. 

Why, Ste/Ia, ftiouldyou knit your brow, 
If I compare you to the cow ? 
'Tis juft the cafe; for you have faded 
So long, till all your flefli is wafted, 
And muft againft the warmer days 
Be fent to + ^uilca down to graze ! 
Where mirth, and exercife, and air, 
Will foon your appetite repair : 
The nutriment will from within 
Round all your body plump your fkin ; ' 



* Jupiter is fabled to have ftolen Europa in the tt»peof<« 
bull. 

i Di 'Sheridan's houfe, feven or eight miles from Dublin. 

Will 



62 RECEIPT FOR STELLA. 
Will agitate the lazy flood, 
And fill your veins with fpHghtly blood : 
Nor flefh nor blood will be the fame, 
Nor ought of Stella but the name ; 
Fori what was ever underftood 
By human kind, but flefh and blood? 
And, if your flefli and blood be new, 
You'll be no more the former you\ 
But for a blooming nymph will pafs 
Juft fifteen, coming fummer's grafs, 
Your jetty locks with garlands crown'd : 
While all the fquires from nine miles round) 
Attended by a brace of curs, 
With jockey boots and filver fpurs, 
No lefs than juftices dquorum y 
Their cow-boys bearing cloaks before'em* 
Shall leave deciding broken pates 
To kifs your fteps at ^uilca gates. 
But, left you (hall my (kill difgrace, 
Come back before you're out of cafe: 
For if to Michaelmas you ftay, 
The new- born flefli will melt away *, 
The 'fquire in (corn will fly the houfe 
For better game, and look for groufe .* 
But here, before the froft can marr it, 
We'll make it firm with beef and claret. 

Whit- 



[ 63 j 

Whitshed's Motto on bis Coach 

LlBERTAS E T NATALE SOLUM. 

Liberty and my native country. 
Written in the Year 1724. 



T 1 BERT AS et natale folum : 
"*—* Fine words ! I wonder where you 

ftole 'em. 
Could nothing, but thy chief reproach, 
Serve for a motto on thy coach ? 
But let me now the words tranflate : 
Natale folum) my eftate ; 
My dear eftate, how well I love it 1 
My tenants, if you doubt, will prove it I 
They fwear lam (o kind and good, 
I hug them, till I fqueeze their blood. 

Libertas bears a large import : 
Firft, how to fwagger in a court ; 
And fecondly, to fliew my fury 
Againft an un-complying jury ; 
And thirdly, 'tis a new invention 
To favour WoodzxA keep my penfion; 

* The chief j^ftice who profecuted the Drifter. See his 
Letters. 

And 



64 DELANY TO SWIFT, 
And fourthly, 'tis to play an odd trick, 
Get the great feal, and turn out Srctfrici\ 
And fifthly (you know whom I mean) 
To humble that vexatious dean J 
And fixthly for my foul to barter it* 
For fifty times its worth to Carteret +. 

Now,fince your motto thusyou conftrue, 
I miift confefs you've fpoken once true. 
Libert as et natale folutrii 
You had good reafon, when you dole 'em. 

» 

Sent by Dr. DELANY to Dr. SWSFT, 

in order to be admitted to /peak to bim, 
*when he was deaf. 

Written in the Year \f±\. 

DEAR fir, I think 'tis doubly hanl, 
Your ears and doors fliould both \* 
barr'd. 
Can any thing be more unkind ? 
Muft I not fee, 'caufe you are blind ? 
Methinks a friend at night fnould cheer voty 
A friend, that loves to fee and hear you. 
Why am I robb'd of that delight, 
When you can be no lofer by't ? 

* (l. e.) Liberty to barter his foul, 
t Carteret, lord lieutenant of Ireland. 

•2 Nay, 



THE ANSWER. 65 

Nay, when 'tis plain (for what is plainer ?J 
That if you heard you'd be no gainer. 
For fure you are not yet to learn, 
That hearing is not your concern ; 
Then be your doors no longer barr'd : 
Your bufinefs, fir, is to be heard. 



The ANSWER. 



T 



H E wife pretend to make it clear, 
'Tis no great lofs to lofe an ear. 
Why are we then fo fond of two, 
When by experience one would do ? 

'Tis true, they fay, cut off the head, 
And there's an end ; the man is dead ; 
Becaufe, among all human race, 
None e'er was known to have a brace : 
But confidently they maintain, 
That where we find the members twain, 
The lofs of one is no fuch trouble, 
Since t'other will in ftrength be double. 
The limb furviving, you may fwear, 
Becomes his brother's lawful heir : 
Thus for a trial let me beg of 
Your rev'rence but to cut one leg off, 
And you (hall find, by this device 
The other will be ftronger twice ; 

Vol. VIL F For, 



66 THE ANSWER. 

For, ev'ry day you fhall be gaining 
New vigour to the leg remaining. 
So, when an eye has loft its brother, 
Y< >u fee the better with the other. 
Cut off your hand, and you may do 
With t'other hand the work of two : 
Becaufe the foul her power contracts, 
And on the brother limb re-a&s. 

But yet the point is not fo clear in 
Another cafe, the fenfeof hearing : 
For, though the place of either ear 
Be diftant, as one head can bear ; 
Yet Galen moft acutely (hews you, 
(Confult his book de partium nfu) 
That from each ear, as he obferves, 
There creep two auditory nerves, 
Not to be feen without a glafs, 
Which near the os petrofum pafs ; 
Thence to the neck ; and moving thoro\ 

there 
One goes to this, and one to t'other ear, 
Which made my grand-dame always ftufl 

her cars 
Both right and left, as fellow-fufferers. 
You fee my learning; but, to morten it 
When my left ear was deaf a fortnight, 

T( 



A QUIET LIFE. 67 

To t'other ear I felt it coming on : 
And thus I folve this hard phenomenon. 

'Tis true, a glafs will bring fupplies 
To weak, or old, or clouded eyes : 
Your arms, though both your eyes were loft, 
Would guard your nofe againft a poft : 
Without your legs two legs of wood 
Are ftronger and almoft as good : 
And as for hands, there have been thofe, 
Who wanting both have us'd their toes * j 
But no contrivance yet appears 
To furni/h artificial ears. 

A quiet LIFE and a good NAME; 

To a friend tobo married a Jhrew. 
Written in the Year 1724. 

~\ TE L L fcolded in fo loud a din, 
-^ ^ That^7//durft hardly venture in; 
He markt the conjugal difpute; 
Nell roar'd inceflant, Dick fat mute; 
But, when he faw his friend appear, 
Cry'd bravely, Patience, good my dear. 

* There was about this time a man {hewed, who wrote 



68 A QUIET LIFE AND 

At fight of 'Will, (he bawl'd no more, 
But hurry 'd out and clapt the door. 

Why Dick ! the devil's in thy Nell, 
(Quoth Wilt) thy houfe is worfe than hell : 
Why what a peal the jade has rung ! 
D — n her, why don't you dither tongue? 
For nothing elfe will make it ceafe. 
Dear Will, I fuffer this for peace : 
I never quarrel with my wife ; 
I bear it for a quiet life. 
Scripture you know exhorts us to it ; 
Bids us xofeek peace^ and enfue it, ■ 

Will went again to vifit Dick ; 
And ent'ring in the very nick, 
He faw virago Nell belabour, 
With Dick's own ftafT, his peaceful neigh- 
bour : 
Poor Will, who needs mull interpofe, 
Rcceiv'd a brace or two of blows. 

But now, to make my ftory fhort 
Will drew out Dick to take a quart. 
Why, Dicky thy wife has dev'lim whims; 
Ods-buds, why don't you break her limbs? 
If (he were mine, and had fuch tricks, 
Id teach her how to handle flicks : 

Z — ds, 



A GOOD NAME. 69 

•ds, I would fhip her to Jamaica ; 



Or truck the carrion for tobacco: 
I'd fend her far enough away 



Dear Will\ but what would people fay ? 
Lord I I fhould get fo ill a name, 
Theneighbours round would cry out fhame. 

Dick fuffer'd for his peace and credit ; 
But who believ'd him, when he faid it ? 
Can he, who makes himfelf a flavc, 
Confult his peace, or credit fave ? 
Dick found it by his ill fuccefs, 
His quiet fmall, his credit lefs. 
She ferv'd him at the ufual rate ; 
She ftunn'd and then fhe broke, his pate. 
And, what he thought the hardeft cafe, 
The parifh jeer'd him to his face j 
Thofe men, who wore the breeches leaft, 
Call'd him a cuckold, foul and heart. 
At home he was purfu'd with noifc ; 
Abroad was pefter'd by the boys : 
Within, his wife would break his bones j 
Without, they pelted him with ftones : 
The prentices procur'd a riding *, 
To a£t his patience, and her chiding. 

* A riding, a humorous ca- the horfc, and with a ladle 

valcade ftill practifed in fome chailiil's a man, who fits nn a 

parts of England to ridicule a pillion behind her with his 

fcolding wife and henpecked face to the horfe'» tail. 
huiband: a woman beftrides 

F 3 Falfe 



7 o ARIDDLE. 

Falfe patience and miftaken pride ! 
There are ten thoufand Dicks befide ; 
Slaves to their quiet and good name, 
Are us'd like Dick, and bear the blame. 

Some ingenious gentlemen, friends to the author, 
ufedto entertain themf elves with writing riddles, 
and fending them to him and their other acquain- 
tance \ copies of yvhich ran about, and fome of 
them were printed both in England and Ireland. 
The author at his leifure hours fell into the fame 
amufement ; although it befaid, that he thought 
them of no great t/ierit, entertainment, or ufe. 
However, by the advice of fome perfons,for 
whom the author had a great efieem, and who 
were f leafed to fend the copies, the few follow- 
lowing have been publijhed f which are allowed 
to be genuine J : becaufe we are informed that 
fever al good judges have a tajle far fucb kind of 
compojition$. 

A 

RIDDLE. 

Written in the Year 1724. 

I. 

TN youth exalted high in air, 
A Or bathing in the waters fair, 

Nature 



A RIDDLE. 71 

Nature to form me took delight, 
And clad my body all in white, 
My perfon tall, and (lender wafte, 
On either fide with fringes grac'd ; 
'Till me that tyrant man efpy'd, 
And dragg'd me from my mother's fide : 
No wonder now I look fo thin ; 
The tyrant ftript me to the fkin : 
My fkin he flay'd, my hair he cropt ; 
At head and foot my body lopt : 
And then, with heart more hard than ftone, . 
He pick'd my marrow from the bone. 
To vex me moire, he took a freak 
To flit my tongue and make me {peak : 
But that which wonderful appears, 
I (peak to eyes, and not to ears. 
He oft employs me in difguife, 
And makes me tell a thoufand lies : 
; To me he chiefly gives in truft 
To pleafe his malice or his luft. 
From me no fecret he can hide ; 
I fee his vanity and pride : 
And my delight is to exp'ofe 
His follies to his greateft foes. 

All languages I can command, 
Ve,t not a word I underitand. 

F 4. Without 



72 A RIDDLE. 

Without my aid, the beft divine 
In learning would not know a line : 
The lawyer mull: forget his pleading ; 
The fcholar could not (hew his reading. 

Nay ; man my mafter is my Have : 
I give command to kill or fave, 
Can grant ten thouland pounds a year, 
And make a beggar's brat a peer. 

But, while I thus my life relate, 
I only haften on my fate. 
My tongue is black, my mouth is furr'd, 
I hardly now can force a word. 
I die unpitied and forgot, 
And on fome dunghill left to rot. 

II. 

ANOTHER. 

AL L-ruling tyrant of the earth, 
To vileft flaves I owe my birth. 
How is the greateft monarch bleft, 
When in my gaudy liv'ry dreft ! 
No haughty nymph has pow'r to run 
From me ; or my embraces fhun. 
Stabb'd to the heart, condemn'd to flam^i 
My conitancy is ftill the feme. 

7 Tliff 



A R I D D L E. 73 

The fav'rke meflenger of Jove*, 
And Lemnian God *f-confulting ftrove 
To make me glorious to the fight 
Of mortals, and the Gods delight. 
Soon would their altars flame expire, 
If I refus'd to lend them fire. 

III. 
ANOTHER. 

BY fate exalted high in place, 
1 Lo, here I ftand with double face ; 
Superior none on earth I find ; 
But fee below meaN mankind. 
Yet, as it oft attends the great, 
I almofajtnk with my own weight. 
At every motion undertook, 
The vulgar all confult my look. 
I fometimes give advice in writing, 
But never of my own inditing. 

I am a courtier in my way ; 
For thofe who rots' d me, I betray ; 
And fome give out, that I entice 
To luft and luxury and dice : 
Who punishments on me inflict, 
ffecauie they find their pockets pickt. 

* Mercury, + Vulcan. 

By 



74 A , R I D D L E. 

By riding poft I lofe my health ; 
And only to get others wealth. 

IV. 
ANOTHER. 

BECAUSEIamby nature blind, 
I wifely chufe to walk behind '; 
However, to avoid difgrace, 
I let no creature fee my face. 
My words are few, but fpoke withjen/e : 
And yet my /peaking gives offence : 
Or, if to wbtfper I prefume, 
The company will fly the room. 
By all the world I am oppreftj 
And my opprefiion gives them reft. 

Through me, though fore againft my will, 
JnjlruEiors ev'ry art inftil. 
By thoufands I am Jold and bought, 
"Who neither get nor lofe a groat; 
For none, alas! by me can gain, 
But thofe who give me greateft pain. 
Shall man prefume to be mv matter, 
"Who's but my caterer and tafi erf 
Yet, though I always have my will, 
I'm but a meer defender flill : 

An 



A RIDDLE. 7 S 

An humble hanger-on at beft ; 
Of whom all people make ajefl. 

In me detractors feek to find 
Two vices of a diff'rent kind: 
I'm too profufe, fome cens'rers cry, 
And all I get, I let it fly : 
While others give me many a curfe, 
Becaufe too clofe I hold my purfe. 
But this I know, in either cafe 
They dare not charge me to my face* 
'Tis true indeed, fonietimes Ifave, 
Sometimes run out of all I have; 
But, when the year is at an end, 
Computing what I get, and fpend, 
My goings out, and comings in, 
I cannot find I lofe or win ; 
And therefore all that know me fay, 
I juftly keep the middle way. 
I'm always by my betters lead; 
WaSigetup, and firft #-£&/; 
Though, if I rife before my time, 
The learn'd in fcicnces fublime 
Confult the ftars, and thence foretel 
Good luck to thofe with whom I dwell. 



V. ANO- 



7 6 A R I D D L E. 

V. 

ANOTHER. 

'T* H E joy of man, the pride of brutes, 

Domeftic fubject for difputes, 
Of plenty thou the emblem fair, 
Adorn'd by nymphs with all their care ! 
I faw thee rais'd to high renown, 
Supporting half the Britifi crown ; 
And often have I feen thee grace 
The chafte Dianas infant face ; 
And whenfoe'er you pleafe to mine, 
Lefs ufeful is her light than thine : 
Thy num'rous fingers know their way, 
And oft in Celids trefles play. 

To place thee in another view, 
I'll mew the world ftrange things and true ^ 
What lords and dames of high degree 
May juftly claim their birth from thee. 
The foul of man with fpleen you vex : 
Of fpleen you cure the female fex. 
Thee for a gift the courtier fends 
With pleafure to his fpecial friends : 
He gives ; and with a gen'rous pride, 
Contrives all means the gift to hide : 

Nor 



A RIDDLE.. 77 

Nor oft can the receiver know, 

Whether he has the gift or no. 

On airy wings you take your flight, 

And fly unfeen both day and night ; 

Conceal your form with various tricks ; 

And few know how or where you fix. 

Yet fome, who ne'er beftow'd thee, boaft 

That they to others give thee moft. 

Mean time, the wife a queftion ftart, 

If thou a xeal being art ; 

Or, but a creature of the brain, 

That gives imaginary pain : 

But the fly giver better knows thee ; 

Who feels true joys when hebeftows thee. 

VI. 

ANOTHER. 

THOUGH I, alas! a pris'ner be, 

My trade is pris'ners to fet free. 
No flave his lord's commands obeys 
With fuch infinuating ways. 
My genius piercing, Jharp and bright l , 
Wherein the men of wit delight. 
The clergy keep me for their eafe, 
And turn and wind me as they pleafe. 

A new 



8o A RIDDLE, 

Here lie depofited the fpoils 
Of bury mortals endlefs toils : 
Here, with an eafy fearch we find 
The foul corruptions of mankind. 
The wretched purchafe here behold 
Of traitors, who their country fold. 

This gulph infatiable imbibes 
The lawyer's fees, the ftatefman's bribes. 
Here, in their proper fliape and mien, 
Fraud, perjury, and guilt are feen. 

Neceflity, the tyrant's law, 
All human race mult hither draw ; 
All prompted by the fame defire. 
The vig'rous youth, and aged fire. 
Behold, the coward and the brave, 
The haughty prince, the humble flave, 
Phyfician, lawyer, and divine, 
All make oblations at this fhrine. 
Some enter boldly, fome by Health, 
And leave behind their fruitlefs wealth. 
For while the bafhful fylvan maid, 
As half aftiam'd, and half afraid, 
Approaching finds it hard to part 
With that which dwelt fo near her heat^-t'i 

The 



A RIDDLE. 81 

The courtly dame, unmov'd by fear, 
Profufely pours her offerings here. 

A treafure here of learning lurks* 
Huge heaps of never-dying works ; 
Labours of many an antient fage, 
And millions of the prcfcnt age. 

In at this gulph all ofFrings pafs, 
And lie an undiftinguifh'd mafs. 
Deucalion^ to reftore mankind, 
Was bid to throw the ftones behind f ; 
So thofe, who here their gifts convey, 
Are forc'd to look another way ; 
For few, a chofen few, muft know 
The myfteries that lie below. 

Sad charnel-houfe ! a difmal dome, 
For which all mortals leave their home ; 
The young, the beautiful, and brave, 
Here bury'd in one common grave ; 
Where each fupply of dead renews 
XJnVvholefome damp?, off e? five deivs : 
And lo ! the writing on the walls 
Points out where each new vitiim fells; 
The food of worms, and beafts obfeene, 
Who round the vault luxuriant reign. 

Vol. VII. G See 



82 A RIDDLE. 

See where thofe mangled corpfes lie, 
Condemn'd by female hands to die ; 
A comely dame, once clad in white, 
Lies there confign'd to endlefs night ; 
By cruel hands her blood was fpilt, 
And yet her wealth was all her guilt. 

And here fix virgins in a tomb, 
All-beauteous offspring of one womb, 
Oft in the train of Venus feen, 
As fair and lovely as their queen : 
In royal garments each was dreft, 
Each with a gold and purple veft ; 
I faw them of their garments ftript, 
Their throats were cut, their bellies ript, 
'Twice were they bury'd, twice were born, 
Twice from their fepulchres were torn ; 
But now difmember'd here are caft, 
And find a refting-place at laft. 

Here oft the curious trav'ler finds 
The combat of oppojing winds : 
And feeks to learn the fecret caufe, 
Which alien feems from nature's laws; 
Why at this cave's tremendous mouthy 
He feels at once both North and South: 

. Whether 



A RIDDLE. 
Whether the winds, in caverns pent, 
Through clefts oppugnant force a vent: 
Or whether, owning all his flores> 
Fierce ALolus in tempeft roars. 

Yet, from this mingled mafs of things, 
[n time a new creation fprings. 
Thefe crude materials once (hall rile 
To fill the earth, and air, and fkies : 
En various forms appear again, 
Of vegetables, brutes, and men. 
3o Jove pronounc'd among the gods, 
Olympus trembling as he nods. 

VIII. 
ANOTHER. 

LOUISA to STREPHON. 

Tranflated in the Year 1724. 

H, Strepbotiy how can you defpife 
1 Her, who without thy pity dies? 
Strephon I have ftill been true, 
\ of as noble blood as you j 
iflue of the genial bed, 
rgin in thy bofom bred ; 
*ac'd thee clofer than a wife ; 
1 thee I leave, I leave my life. 

G 2 Why 



84 A RIDDLE. 

Why fliould my fhepherd take amifs, 
That oft I wake thee with a kifs ? 
Yet you of ev'ry kifs complain ; 
Ah, is not love a pleafing pain ? 
A pain which every happy night 
You cure with eafe and with delight ; 
With pleafure, as the poet fings, 
Too great for mortals lefs than kings. 

Cbloey when on thy breaft I lie, 
Obferves me with revengeful eye : 
If Chke o'er thy heart prevails, 
Shell tear me with her defp'rate nails; 
And with relentlefs hands deftroy 
The tender pledges of our joy. 
Nor have I bred a fpurious race ; 
They all were born from thy embrace. 

Confider, Strephon, what you do ; 

Fo r , (hall I die for love of you, 

I'll haunt thy dreams, a bloodlefs ghofr. ; 

An i ali my kin, a num'rous hoft, 
;V.' o ciov/ii direct our lineage bring 

r i m viclo: s o'er the Mempbian king ; 
'■"'■:-iovv::'d in fieges and campaigns, 
>. v no never fled the bloody plains, 

Who 



A RIDDLE. 85 

Who in tempeftuous Teas can fport, 
And fcorn the pleafures of a court ; 
From whom great Sylla found his doom ; 
Who fcourg'd to death that fcourge of Rome, 
Shall on thee take a vengeance dire ; 
Thou, like /ttcides, (halt expire, 
When his envenom'd fliirt he wore, 
And Ikin and flem in pieces tore. 
Nor left that fhirt, my rival's gift, 
Cut from the piece that made her mift, 
Shall in thy deareft blood be dy'd, 
And make thee tear thy tainted hide. 

IX. 

ANOTHER. 

Written in the Year 1735. 

DEPRIV'D of root, and branch, and 
rind, 
Yet flow'rs I bear of ev'ry kind ; 
And fuch is my prolific pow'r, 
They bloom in lefs than half an hour : 
Yet ftanders-by may plainly fee 
They get no nourimment from me. 
My head with giddinefs goes round ; 
And yet I firmly Hand my ground : 

G 3 All 



86 THE UPRIGHT JUDGE. 

All over naked I am feen, 

And painted like an Indian queen* 

No couple- beggar in the land, 

E'er join'd fuch numbers hand in hand; 

I join them fairly with a ring; 

Nor can our parfon blame the thing : 

And, tho' no marriage words are fpoke, 

They part not till the ring is broke, 

Yet hypocrite fanaticks cry, 

I'm but an idol rais'd on high : 

And once a weaver in our town, 

A damn aCromwellian, knocked medow r n. 

I lay a prisoner twenty years, 

And then the jovial cavaliers 

To their old pofl: reftor'd all three, 

I mean the church, the king, and me* 

VERSES o?i the upright yudge who con- 
detuned the Drapier's Printer. 

Written in the Year 1724. 

* I 'HE church I hate, and have good 
-*- reafon ; 

For there my grandfire cut his weazon : 
He cut his weazon at the altar; 
I keep my gullet for the halter. 

3 On 



THE UPRIGHT JUDGE. 87 

On the fame, 

IN church your grandfire cut his throat: 
To do the job too long he tarry 'd, 
He fliould have had my hearty vote, 
To cut his throat before he marry 'd. 

On the fame, 
(T%e Judge fpeaks.J 

I'M not the grandfon of that afs * §luin\ 
Nor can you prove it, Mr. Pafquin, 
My grand- dame had gallants by twenties, 
And bore my mother by a 'prentice. 
This when my grandfire knew, they tell 

us he 
In Chrift-church cut his throat for jealoufy. 
And, fincethe alderman was mad you fay, 
Then I muft be fo too, ex traduce, 

* An alderman. 



G4 A SI- 



[ 88 ] 

A SIMILE, on our Want of Silver, and 
the only Way to remedy it. 

Written in the Year 1725. 

AS when of old fome.forcVefs threw 
O'er the moon's face a fable hue, 
To drive unfeen her magic chair, 
At midnight through the darken'd air ; 
Wife people, who belicv'd with reafon 
That this eclipfe was out of feafon, 
Afiirni'd the moon was fick, and fell * 
To cure her by a counter-fpelL 
Ten thoufands cymbals now begin 
To rend the fkies with brazen din ; 
The cymbals rattling founds difpel 
The cloud, and drive the hag to hell : 
The moon, delivered from herpain, 
Difplays hzx Jilvtr face again. 
(Note here, that in the chemic ftyle, 
The moon isjuvcr all this while.) 

So (if my fimile you minded, 
Which I confefs is too long- winded) 
When late a feminine magician*, 
Juin'd wi:h a brazen politician, 

* A grca: :.;i!y is reported to have been bribed by JFooJ. 

Expos'cf* 



WOOD THE INSECT. 89 
:pos'd, to blind the nation's eyes, 
T parchment of prodigious fize ; 
>ncealed behind that ample fcreen, 
lere was no filver to be feen. 
it to this parchment let the Drapier 
Dpofe his counter-charm of paper, 
id ring Wood's copper in our ears 
loud 'till all the nation hears; 
fiat foundwill make the parchment fhrivel 
id drive the conj'rers to the devil : 
id when the fky is grown fcrene, 
jr filver will appear again. 

On WOOD the Iron-monger, 
Written in the Year 1725. 

^ALMONEUS, as the Grecian tale is, 

Was a mad copper-fmith of Elis ; 
p at his forge by morning peep, 
o creature in the lane could fleep. 
mong a crew of royft'ring fellows 
r ould fit whole ev'nings at the alehoufe : 
is wife and children wanted bread, 
/hile he went always drunk to bed. 

■f A patent to JViUiam Woody for coining half-pence. 

7 This 



9 o WOOD THE IRON-MONGER. 

This vap'ring fcab muft needs devife 
To ape the thunder of the fides : ' 

With brafs two fiery fteeds he fhod, 
To make a clatt'ring as they trod. 
Of polifh'd brafs his flaming car 
Like lightning dazzled from afar, 
And up he mounts into the box, 
And he muft thunder, with a pox. 
Then furious he begins his march, 
Drives rattling o'er a brazen arch : 
With iquibs and crackers arm'd, to throw 
Among the trembling croud below. 
All ran to prayers, both priefts and laity, 
To pacify this angry deity; 
When Jove, in pity to the town, 
With real thunder knock'd him down. 
Then what a huge delight were all in, 
To fee the wicked varlet fprawling ; 
They fearch'd his pockets on the place, 
And found his copper all was bafe ; 
They laugh'd at fuch an Irijh blunder, 
To take the noife of brafs for thunder. 

The moral of this tale is proper, 
Apply 'd to Wood's adulter'd copper: 
W 7 hich, as he fcatter'd, we like dolts 
Mifiookat firft for thunder- bolts; 

before 



WOOD AN INSECT. 9* 
;fore the Drapier {hot a letter, 
lor Jove himfelf could do it better) 
r hich, lighting on th' importer's crown, 
ike real thunder knock'd him down. 

WOOD an INSECT. 

Written in the Year 1725. 

3 Y long obfervation I have understood, 
-J That two little vermin are kin to 

Will Wood. 
he flrft is an infect they call a wood-loufc, 
hat folds up itfelf in itfelf for a houfe : 
s round as a ball, without head, without 

tail, 
lclos'd cap-a-pe in a ftrong coat of mail, 
nd thus William Wood to my fancy ap- 
pears 
1 fillets of brafs roll'd up to his ears : 
ndover thefe fillets he wifely has thrown, 

o keep out of danger,* a doublet of ftone, 

■«* i 

The loufe of the wood for a med'cine is 
us'd, 
)r fwallow'd alive, or fkilfully bruis'd. 

* He was in ja/I for debt. 

And 



9 2 WOOD AN INSECT. 

And let but our mother Hibemia contrive 
To fwallow Will Wood either bruis'd or 

alive, 
She need be no more with the jaundice pof- 

feft, 
Or fick of obftruElions, and pains in ber 

chejl. 
The next is an infect we call a wood-worm. 
That lies in old wood like a hare in her 

form ; 
With teeth or with claws it will bite or 

will fcratch, 
And chambermaids chriflen this worm a 

death-watch ; 
Becaufe like a watch it always cries click: 
Then woe be to thofe in the houfe who are 

fick: 
For, as fure as a gun, they will give up 

the ghoft, 
If the maggot cries click, when itfcratches 

the poft. 
But akettle of fcalding hot water injected 
Infallibly cures the timber affected : 
The omen is broken, the danger is over ; 
The maggot will die, and the lick will re- 



cover. 



Such 



WOOD AN INSECT. 93 

Such a worm was Will JVood, when he 

fcratch'd at the door 
Of a governing ftatefman or favourite 

whore : 
The death of our nation he feem'd to foretel, 
And the found of his brafs we took for our 

knell. 
But now, fince the Drapier hath heartily 

maul'd him, 
I think the beft thing we can do is to fcald 

him. 
For which operation there's nothing more 

proper 
Than the liquor he deals in, his own melt- 
ed copper ; 
Unlefs, like theDutch, you rather wouldboil 
This coiner off raps 'm. a cauldron of oil. 
Then chufe which you pleafe, and let each 

bring a faggot, 
For our fear's at an end with the death of 

the maggot. 

f A cant word in Ireland for a counterfeit half-penny. 



TO 



t 94 ] 
T O 

V I L G A, 

A Country- Houfe of Dr. Sheridan, 

In no very good Repair, 

Where t be fuppofed Author andfome of his Friends 
Jpent a Summer in the Tear 1725* 

LET me thy properties explain, ' 
A rotten cabbin dropping rain ; 
Chimnies with fcorn rejecting fmoak ; 
Stool, tables, chairs, and bedfteds broke* 
Here elements have loft their ufes, 
Air ripens not, nor earth produces ; 
In vain we make poor Sheelah * toil, 
Fire will not roaft, nor water boil. 
Through all the valleys, hills and plains. 
The goddefs Want in triumph reigns: 
And her chief officers of ftate, 
Slothy Dirty and 'Theft around her wait. 

"* An Irijh name. 



HORACE 



[ 95 ] 

HORACE, 

ODE XIV. BOOK I. . 

Paraphrafed, and infcribed to Ireland. 

Written in the Year 1725-6. 

THE INSCRIPTION. 

Poor floating i/le, toft on ill-fortune s waves. 
Ordain d by fate to be the land offtaves; 
Shall moving Delos now deep-rooted ft and: 
Thou, jixd of old, be now the moving land ? 
Although the metaphor be worn and ft ale f 
Betwixt a flat e, and veffel under fail ; 
Let me fuppofe thee for a ftnp a-whih\ 
And thus addrefs thee in the failors jlyle : 

• T TNH APPY {hip, thou art return d 
^J in vain : 

N$w waves fhall drive thee to the deep 
again. 

1. O naviSy referent in mare te novi 
F/uflus. 

Look 



96 HORACE. 

Look to thyfelf, and be no more the fport 

2. Of giddy winds, but make forne friendly 

port. 

3. Loft are thy oars, that us'd thy courfe to 

guide, 
Like faithful counfellors on either fide. 

4. Thy maft, which like fome aged patriot 

flood 
The fingle pillar for his country's good, 
To lead thee, as a ftafT directs the blind, 
Behold it cracks by yon rough eaftern 

wind. 

5. Your cables burft, and you muft quickly 

feel 
The waves impetuous enter at your 

keel. 
Thus, commonwealths receive a foreigr*. 

yoke, 
When the ftrong cords of union one « 

are broke. 



2. Fortiter occttpa 

Portum : 

3. Nudum rtmiglo lot us. 

4. Malut celeri J'auclus Africo. 

5. Acfinefunibut 

fix durare carina 

PcJJint imperioftus 

Aquor ? 

6. Torn, 



H O R A g E. 97 

> Tom, by a fuddcn temped is thy iail> 
Expanded to invite a milder gale. 

As when fbme writer in a public caufe, 
His pen, to,£ave, a finking nation draws, 
While aU is calm, his arguments prevail ; 
The people's voice expands his paper fail ; 
'Till pow'r,difcharging all her ftormy 

bags, 
Flutters the feeble pamphlet into rags. 
The nation fcar'd, the author doomd to 

death, 
. Whofondly put his truft in pop'lar breath. 

A larger facrifice in vain you vow ; 
'• There's notapowV above will- help you 
now : 
A nation thus, who oft heaven's call 

hegle&s, 
In vain from injur'd heaven relief expc&s. 

•' 'Twill not avail, when they ftrong (ides 
are broke, 
That thy defcent is from the Britijb oak ; 

6. Non tibi funt integra lintea. 

7. Non Dit\ quos iterum prejfa voces male. 

8. £>uamvis pontica pinuii 
Sylvafilia nobilis. 

Vol. VII. H Or, 



98 HORACE. 

Or, when your name, your family you 
boaft, 

From fleets triumphant per the Gallic 
coaft. 

Such was hrnis claim, as juft as thine, 

Her fons defcended from the Britijb line ; 

Her matchlefs fons, whofe valour ftiU 
remains 

On French records for twenty long cam- 
paigns : 

Yet from an emprefs now a captive 
grown, 

Shefav'd Britannia s rights, and loft her 
own. 

9. In mips decay 'd no mariner confides, 
Lur'd by the gilded ftern and painted 

fides ; 
Yet at a ball unthinking fools delight 
In the gay trappings of a birth-day 

nioht: 
They on the gold brocades and fattins 

rav'd, 
And quite forgot their country was en.—. 

flav'd. 



9. Nil piilis timidus navita pup^ihus, 

IO. 



HORACE. 99 

i o. Dear veflel, ftill be to thy fteeragejuft, 

Nor change thy courfe with evVy fud- 

den guft: 
Like fupple patriots of the modern fort, 
Who turn with ev'ry gale that blows 
from court. 

xz. Weary and fea-fick when in thee 

confin'd, 
Now for thy fafety cares diftrad my 

mind ; 
£s thole, who long have flood the ftorms 

of ftate, 
Retire, yet ftill bemoan their country's 

fete. 
Beware, and when you hear the furges 

roar, 
Avoid the rocks on Britain j angry fhore. 
They lie, alas ! too eafy to be found ; 
For thee alone they lie theifland round. 

IO, Fidit i tu t ntfi ventis 

Debts ludibrum, cave. 
II. Nuper filiation qua mihitadium. 

Nunc deJitUrium, curaque non levii, 

Interfufa nitentts 

Vitet tcquora Cycladas. 



H 2 On 



156914 



[ »oo ] 
On reading Dr. YOUNG's Satires called 
The Univerfal Paflion, by which he means 
Pride. 

Written in the Year 1726, 

TF there be truth in what you' fing, 
-■• Such god-like virtues in the king; 
A mitiiilef*{b fill'd with zeal 
And wifdom for the common- Weal: 
If he f who in the chair prefides" 
So fteadily the fenate guides : 
If others, whom you make your theme, 
Are feconds in this glorious fcheme : 
If ev'ry peer, whom you commend, 
To worth and learning, be a friend : 
If this be truth, as you atteft, 
What land was ever half Co bleft ? 
No falfliood now among the great, 
And tradefmen now no longer cheat ; 
Now on the bench fair Jufiice fhine's \ 
Her fcale to neither fide inclines : 
Now Pride and Cruelty are flown, 
And Mrcy here exalts her throne : 
For fuch is good-example's power. 
It does its office ev'ry hour, 

* Sir R. tFalpole, late earl t Compton, the fyeaker »' 
of Orford. that time. 

6 Where 



DR. YOUNG'S SATIRES, 101 

tf here governors are good and wife ; 
)r elfe the trueft maxim lyes : 
''or (b we find all ancient fages 
decree, that ad exemplum regis, 
Through all the realm his virtues run, 
tip'ning and kindling like the fun. 
f this be true, then how much more, 
Vhen you have nam'd at lead a fcore 
)f courtiers, each in their degcee, 
f poffible, as good as he ? 

Or take it in a difFrent view. 
'. afk (if what you fay be true) 
f you affirm the prefent age 
Deferves your fatire's keeneft rage : 
!f that fame univerfal fafjion 
vVith ev'iy vice hath filTd the nation : 
If virtue dares not venture down 
A (ingle ftep beneath the crown : 
If clergymen, to (hew their wit, • 
Praife clajjtcks more than holy writ : 
If bankrupts, when they are undone, 
Into the fenate-houfe can run, 
And fell their votes at fuch a rate, 
As will retrieve a loft eftate : 
If law be fuch a partial whore, 
To (pare the rich, and plague the poor: 
H 3 If 



iol THE DOG AND THIEF. 

If thefe be of all crimes the worft, 
What land was ever half fo curft ? 

The DOG and THIEF. 

Written in the Year 1726. , 

QUOTH the thief to the dog, let me 
into your door, 
And I'll give you thefe delicate bits. 
Quoth the dog, I fhall then be more vil- 
lain than you're, 
And befides muft be out of my wits. 

Your delicate bits will pot ferve me a meal, 
But my matter each day gives me bread; 

You'll fly, when you get what you came 
here tofteal, 
And I muft be hang'd in your ftead. 

The ftock-jobber thus from Change- Attef 

goes down, 
And tips you the freeman a wink; 
Let me have .but your vote to ferve for the 

town, 
And here is a guinea to drink. 

7 S» 



GRUB-STREET VERSE-WRITERS. ie$ . 
Said the freeman, your guinea to-night 
would be fpent 3 
Your offers of bribery ecafe : 
I'll vote for rriy landlord, to whom I pay 
rent, 
Or elfe I may forfeit my leafe. 

From London they come filly people to 

choufe, 

Their lands and their faces unknown ; 

Who'd vote a rogue into the parliament- 

houfe, 

That would turn a man out of his own? 

ADVICE to the GRUB-STREE? 
F erf e- Writer Si 

Written in the Year 1726. 

YE poets ragged and forlorn, 
Down from your garrets hafte 5 
Ye rhymers dead as foon as born, 
Not yet -confign'd to paftey 

I know a trick to make you thrive ; 

O, 'tis a quaint device : 
Your ftill-born poems mall revive, 

And fcorn to wrap up fpice. 

H 4 Get 



io4 ON VERSES IN WINDOWS. 
Get* all your verfes printed fait* 

Then let them well be dried ; 
And Curl inuft have a fpecial care 

To leave the margin wide. 

Lend thefe to paper-fparing -Pope ; 

And when he fits to write, 
No letter with an envelope * 

Could give him more delight. 

When Pope has filPd the margins round, 

Why then recall jour loan ; 
Sell them to Curl for fifty pound, 
And fwear they are your own. 

i, 
On feeing verfes written upon Windows 
in Inns. • 

Written in the Year 1726. 
I. 

' I l HE fage, who (aid he fhould be proud 
•*• Of windows in his bread, 
Becaufe he ne'er one thought allow'd 
That might not be confeft ; 

* A blank cover. 

Hiss 



ON VERSES IN WINDOWS. 105 
His window fcrawl'd by ev'ry rake, 

His bread again would cover ; 
And fairly bid the devil take 

The diamond and the lo,ver. 

II. 
ANOTHER. 

BY Satan taught, all conjurers know 
Your miftrefs in a glafs to fhow, 
And you can do as much : 

In this the devil and you agree : 
None e'er made verfes worfe than he, 
And thine I fwear are fuch. 

III. 
ANOTHER. 

THAT love is the devil, I'll prove 
when requir'd ; 
Thofe rhymers abundantly fhow it : 
f, They fwear that they all by love are infpir'd, 
\ And the devil's a damnable poet. 



IV. A NO- 



io6 A PASTORAL DIALOGUE. 

IV. 
ANOTHER. 

TH E church and clergy here, no doubt, 
Are very near a-kin ; 
Both weather-beaten are without ; 
- And empty both within* 

A 
PASTORAL DIALOGUE 

BETWEEN 

Richmond-Lodge and Marble-Hill. 

Written June 1727, juft after the news ofth« 
late king's death, to which time this note muft 
alfo be referred. 

RICHMOND-LODGE is ahoufe&itb 
afmallpart belonging to the crown : 
it was ufually granted by the crown for a 
leafe of years ; the duke of Ormond was the 
laji who had it '. After his exik y it was giver* 
to the prince of Wales by the king, Tbeprince 
and princefs ufually pajfed their fummes 
there. It is within a mile of Richmond. 

MARBLE,- 



A PASTORAL DIALOGUE. 107 
MARBLE-HILL isahoufebuiltbyMrs. 
Howard, then of the bed-chamber, now coun- 
ters of Suffolk, and groom oftheflok to the 
queen. It' is on the Middlefexyfok, near 
Twickenham, where Mr. Pope lives, and 
about two miles from Richmond-lodge. Mr. 
Pope was the contriver of the gardens, lord 
Herbert the architect, and the dean of St. 
Patrick's chief butler, and keeper of the ice- 
houfe. Upon king George's death, theft two 
boufes met, and bad the following dialogue.. 

*TN fpight of Pope, in fpight of Gay, 
-*• And all that he or they can fay ; 
. Sing on I muft, and fing I will 
Of Richmond-lodge, and Marble-hill, 

Laft Friday night, as neighbours ufe, 
This couple met to talk of news : 
For by old proverbs it appears, 
That walls have tongues, and hedges ears. 

MARBL E-H I L L. 

. Quqth Marble-hill, right well I ween, 
Your miftrefs now is grown a queen ; 

* fiis peem mas tarried te aurt, and read to the king and 

You'll 



"io& A PASTORAL DIALOGUE. 
You'll find itibon by woeful proof, 
She'll come no more beneath your roof- 

K I C H MO N O-L O D C.E. 

The kingly prophet well evinces 
That we fhould ,put no truft in princes : 
My royal mafter promis'd me 
To raife me to a high degree ; 
But now he's grown a king, God wot, 
I fear I fhall be foon forgot. 
You fee, when folks have .got their ends, 
How quickly they neglecl: their friends ; 
Yet I may fay, 'twixt me and you, 
Pray God, they now may find as true. 

MARBLE-HILL. 

My houfe was built but for a mow, 
My lady's empty pockets know ; 
And now fhe will not have a milling 
To raife the ftairs, or build the deling 1 ; 
For all the- courtly madams round 
Now pay four fhillings in the pound : 
'Tis come to what 'I always thought : 
My dame is hardly worth a groat. 
Had you and I been courtiers born, 
We fnould not thus have lain forlorn : 

For 



A PASTORAL DIALOGUE. 109 
For thofe we dext'rous courtiers call, 
Can rife upon their matters' fall. 
But we, unlucky and unwife, 
Muftyi*//becaufe our matters rife. 

RICHMOND-LODGE. 

My matter, fcarce a fortnight fince, 
Was grown as wealthy as a prince ; 
But now it will be no fuch thing, 
For he'll be poor as any king : 
And by his crown will nothing get ; 
But like a king to run in debt. 

MARBL'E-HILL. 

No more the dean, that grave divine, 
Shall keep the key of my no — wine ; 
My. ice-houfe rob, as heretofore, 
And fteal my artichokes no more ; 
Poor Patty Blount no more be feen 
Bedraggled in my walks fo green : 
Plump Johnny Gay will now elope ; 
And here no more will dangle Pope. 

RICHMOND-LODGE. 

Here wont theafetf*, when he's to feek^ 
To fpunge a breakfaft once a week; 



iio A PASTORAL DIALOGUE. 
To cry the bread was ftale, and mutter 
Complaints againfl the xoyal butter. 
But now I fear it will be faid, 
No butter (ticks upon his dread. 
We foon fhall find him full of fpleen, 
For want of tattling to the queen ; 
Stunning her royal ears with talking ; 
His r&urence and her highnefs walking : 
Whilft *lady Charlotte, like a ftroller, 
Sits mounted on the garden roller. 
A goodly fight to fee her ride 
With ancient + Mirmont at her fide. 
In velvet cap his head lies warm ; 
Mis hat for (how beneath his arm. 

MARBLE-HILL. 

Some Soutk-fea broker from the city 
Will purchafe me, the more's the pity; 
Lay all my fine plantations wade 
To fit them to his vulgar tafte ; 
Chang'd for the worfe in ev'ry part, 
My mailer Pope will break his heart. • 

RICHMOND-LODGE. 
In my own Thames may I be drownded^ 
If e'er I ftoop beneath a crown'd head: 

* Lady Charlotte de Rouffy, f Marquis de Mirmont, ^ 
a French lady. French man of quality. 

Except 



A PASTORAL DIALOGUE. iif 
Except her majefty prevails 
To place me with the prince of Waks'y 
And then I fhall be free from fears, 
for he'll be prince thcfe fifty years. 
I then will turn a courtier too, 
And ferve the times, as others do f 
Plain loyalty, not built on hope, 
I leave to your contriver, Pope : 
None loves his king and country better, 
Yet none was ever lefs their debtor. 

MARBLE-HILL. 

Then let him come and take a nap 
In futnmer on my verdant lap : 
Prefer our villas, where the Thames is, 
To KenJmgton y or hot St. James $ \ 
Nor (hall I dull in filence fit ; 
For 'tis to me owes his wit ; 
My groves, my echoes, and my birds 
Have taught him his poetic words. 
"We gardens, and you wilderneffes, 
Affift all poets in diftrefles. 
Him twice a week I here expe£r, 
To rattle* Moody for neglect ; 
An idle rogue, who fpends his quartridge 
In tipling at the Dog and partridge ; 

* The gardener. 

And 



in DESIRE AND POSSESSION. 
And I can hardly gee |iim dawn • 
Three times a week to brufli my gown. 

RICHMOND-LODGE. 

I pity you, dear Marble-hill ; 
But hope to fee you flourifh ftill. 
All happinefs— — and fo adieu. 

MARBL E-H I L L. 
Kind Richmond-lodge^ the lame to you. 

DESIRE and POSSESSION. 

Written in the Year 1727. 

TI S ftrange, what diff 'rent thoughts 
infpire 
In men, Poffejfion and Defire ! 
Think what they wi(h fo great a bleiling; 
So disappointed when pofieffing \ 

A moralift profoundly fage, 
I know not in what book or page, 
Or whether o'er a pot of ale, 
Related thus the following tale. 

Poffejfion and Dejire> his brother, 
But ftill at variance with each other, 

Wer^s 



DESIRE AND POSSESSION. 113 

Were feert contending in a race; 
And kept at firft an equal pace : 
*Tisfaid, their courfe continued long; 
For this was active, that was ftrong: 
Till envy ? flander, floth, and doubfj 
Mifled them many a league about. 
Seduc'd by fome deceiving light, 
They take the wrong way for the right ; 
Through flipp'ry by-roads dark and deep, 
They often climb, and often creep. 

Defire, the fwifter of the two, 
Along the plain like lightning flewl 
Till entering on a broad high-way, 
Where power and titles fcatter'd lay* 
&e ftrove to pick up all he found, 
And by excursions loft his ground : 
No fooner got, than withdifdain 
He threw them on the ground again ; 
And hafted forward to purfue 
Frefli objects fairer to his view ; 
In hope to fpring fome nobler gnme ; 
•But all he took was juft the fame : 
Too fcornful now to flop his pace, 
He fpurn'd them in his rival's face. 

Po/feJ/ion kept the beaten road ; 
And gather 'd all his brother ftrow'd ; 
'Vol, VII. I But 



U4 DESIRE AND POSSESSION. 
But overcharg'd, and out of wind, 
Though ftrong in limbs, he lagg'd behind. 

Defife bad now the goal in fight : 
It was a tow'r of monftrous height; 
Where on the fummit Fortune ftands, 
A crown and fceptre in her hands y 
Beneath a chaffn as deep as hell, 
Where many a bold advent'rer fell. 
Defire y in rapture gaz'd a while, 
And faw the treach'rous goddefs fmile; 
But, as he climb'd to grafp the crown, 
She knock'd him with the fceptre down. 
He tu mbled in the gulph profound \ 
There doom'd to whirl an endlefs round. 

Pojfejfioris load was grown fo great, 
He funk beneath the cumb'rous weight: 
And as he now expiring lay, 
Flocks ev'ry ominous bird of prey ; 
The raven, vulture, owl, and kite, 
At once upon his carcafe light, 
And (trip his hide, and pick his bones, 
Regardlefs of his dying groans. 



Oflj 



I "5 ] 
On CENSURE. 

Written in the Year 1727. 

YE wife, inftru£t me to endure 
An evil, which admits no cure: 
Or, how this evil can be born, 
Which breeds at once both hate and fcdrn. 
Bare innocence is no fupport, 
When you are try'd in fcandal's court. 
Stand high in honour, wealth, or wit : 
All others who inferior fit, 
Conceive themfelves in confcience bound" 
To join and drag you to the ground. 
Your altitude offends the eyes 
Of thofe who want the pow'r to rife. 
The world, a willing ftander-by, 
Inclines to aid a fpecious lye : 
Alas! they would not do you wrong, 
But all appearances are ftrong. 

Yet whence proceeds this weight we lay 
On what detracting people fay ; 
For let mankind difcharge their tongues 
In venom, till they burft their lungs, 
Their utmoft malice cannot make 
Your head, or tooth, or finger ake: 

I 2 Not 



n6 THE FURNITURE OF 
Nor fpoil your fhape, diftort your face, 
Or put one feature out of place ; 
Nor will you find your fortune fink 
By what they fpeak or what they think ; 
Nor can ten hundred thoufand lyes 
Make you lefs virtuous, learn'd, or wife. 

The moft effectual way to baulk 
Their malice, is to let them talk. 

The Furniture of a JVGtnans M IN D. 
Written in the Year 1727. 

\ Set of phrafes learnt by rote; 
-*-^~ A paflion for a fcarlet-coat ; 
When at a play to laugh, or cry, 
Yet cannot tell the reafon why ; 
Never to hold her tongue a minute, 
While all fhe prates has nothing in it; 
Whole hours can with a coxcomb fit, 
And take his nonfenfe all for wit ; 
Her learning mounts to read afong,. 
But half the words pronouncing wrong; 
Hath every repartee in ftore, 
She fpoke ten thoufand times before; 

7 Cao 



A WOMAN'S MIND. 117 
San ready compliments fupply 
On all occafions, cut and dry; 
Juch hatred to a parfon's gown, 
The fight will put her in a fwoon; 
For converfation well endu'd, 
She calls it witty to be rude; 
A.nd placing raillery in railing, 
Will tell aloud your greateft failing; 
Nor make a- fcruple to expofe 
¥our bandy leg, or crooked nofe; 
Can at her morning tea run o'er 
The fcandal of the day before ; 
Improving hourly in her (kill, 
To cheat and wrangle at quadrille. 

In chufing lace a critick nice, 
Knows to a groat the lowed price; 
Can in her female clubs difpute, 
What linen beft the filk will fuit, * 
What colours each, complexion match, 
And where with art to place a patch. 

If chance a moufe creeps in her fight, 
Can finely counterfeit a fright ; 
So fweetly (creams, if it comes near her, 
She ravimes all hearts to hear her. 
Can dext'roufly her hufband teafe, 
By taking fits whene'er (he pleafe; 

I 3 By 



il8 A WOMAN'S MIND. 

By frequent pra&ice learns the trick 

At proper feafons to be fick; 

Thinks nothing gives one airs Co pretty, 

At once creating love and pity ; 

If Molly happens to be carelefs, 

And but neglects to warm her hair-lace. 

She gets a cold as fijre as death, 

And vowsfhe fcarcecan fetch her breath $ 

Admires how modeft women caq 

Be fo robufiiouS) like a man. 

In party, furious to her pow'rj 
A bitter whig, or tory four j 
Her arguments directly tend 
Againft the fide (he would defend; 
Will prove herfelf a tory plain, 
From principles the whigs maintain j 
And to defend the whiggifh caufe 
Her topicks from the tories draws. 

O yes ! * if any man can find 
More virtues in a woman's mind, 
Let them be fent to Mrs. + Harding \ 
She'll pay the charges to a farthing ; 
Take notice, me has my cpmmiflioq 
To add them in the next edition ; 
They may out- fell a better thing; 
So, holla, boys ; God fave the king. , 

* Oyts: a coiruption of oyez, hearyc, a word ufcd \>f i 
Cryers. " t A' printer. J 

Clever I 



f ,19 1 

voer TQM CLINCH going to be 
banged. 

Written in the Year 1727. 

V S clever Tom Clinch, while tberabbk 

•*■ was bawling, 

>de (lately through Holbourn to die in 

his calling,' 
i ftopt at Ithe George for a bottle of (ack, 
id promis -d to pay for. it when he came 

back 
is waiftcoat and ftockings, and breeches 

were white; 
is cap had a new cherry ribband to tye'c. 
he maids to the doors and the balconies 

ran, 
ndfaid, Lack T a day ! he'saprpper young 

man. 
it, as from thewindowsthe ladie6 he fpy 'd, 
kea beau in the box, he bow'dlow pn 

each fide; 
nd, when his laft fpeech the loud hawkers 

did cry, 
e fwore from his cart, it was all adamn'4 

lye. 

1 4 Th* 



120 CLEVER TOM CLINCH. 

The hangman for pardon fell down.on his 

knee ; 
Tom gave him a kick in the guts for his fee: 
Then faid , I mud fpeak to the people a little, 
But I'll fee yon all damn'd before I will 



* 



•WtJi. 



hittk. 



My honeft friend ^Wild fnay he long hold 

his place, 
He lengthen'd my life with a whole year 

pf grace. 
Take courage, dear comrades, and be not 

afraid, 
Nor flip this occafion to follow your trade; 
My confeience is clear, and my fpirits arp 

calm, 
And thus I go off without pray'r-book 

or plalm ; 
Then follow the practice of clever Tom 

(jlinchy 
Who hung pke a hero, and never would 

flinch. 

* A cant word for con- undcr-kecper of Newgatt, 
fefiina; at the gallows. who was h ringed for receiving, 

f Theiioted thief-catcher, ftolei) goods. 



On 



On cutting dawn the old THORN at 
MARKET-HILL*. 

Written in the Year 1727. 

AT Market-hill, as well appears 
By chronicle of ancient date, 
There ftood for many hundred years 
. A fpaeious thorn before the gate. 

Hither came ev'ry village- maid, 

And on. the boughs her garland hung, 

And here, beneath the fpreading (hade, 
Secure from fatyrs fat and fung. 

f Sir Archibald that val'rous knight, 
Then lord of all the fruitful plain, 

Would come to liften with delight, 
For he was fond of rural ftrain. 

(Sir Archibald, whofe fav'rite name 

Shall ftand for ages on record, 
By Scottijb bards- of highcft fame, 
, % Wife Hawthornden and Stirling jlord). 

* A village near the feat of % Drummend of Hawthorn- 

Sir Arthur /fche/on, where the dev> and Sir William Alexander 

dean fometimcs made a long carl of Sfrr//^, who were both 

Vint. friends to Sir Archibald^ and 

tSir Archibald Achefon^ fe- famous for their poetry. 
cxetary of ftatc for Scotland. 

But 



122 MARKET-HILL THORN, 

But time with iron teeth I ween, 
Has canker'd all its branches round ; 

No fruit or bloflbm to be fecn, 

Its head reclining towards the grpupd. 

This aged, fickly, faplefs thorn, 
Which muft alas np longer ftand, 

Beholfl the cruel (dean in fcorn 
Cuts down with facrilegious hand. 

Dame Nature, when.fhe faw the blow, 
Aftonifh'd gave a dreadful fhriek j . 

And mother Tellus trembled fo, 
She fcarce recover'd in a week. 

The Jy Ivan pow'rs with fear perplex'd, 
In prudence and companion fent 

(For none could tell whofe turn was next) 
Sad omens of the dire event, 

The magpye, lighting on the flock, 
Stood chatt'ring with inceflant din ; 

And with her beak gave many a knock, 
To rouze and warn the nymph within t 

The owl forefaw, in penfive mood, 
The ruin of her ancient feat; 

And fled in hafte with all her broo4 
To feelj. a more fecure retreat. 



MARKET-HILL THORN. 123 

Laft trotted forth the gentle fwine, 
To eafe her itch againft the ftump ? 

And difmaljy was heard to whine, 
All as fhe fcrubb'd her meazly rump. 

The nymph, who dwells in ev'ry tree 
(If all be true that poets chant), 

Condemn'd by fate's fupreme decree^ 
Muft die with her expiring plant* 

Thus when the gentle Spina found 
The thorn committed to. her care. 

Received its laft and deadly wound, 
She fled and vanifh'd into air. 

But from the root a difmal groan . 

Firft ifTuing ftruck the murd'rer's ears j 
And in a flirill revengeful tone 

This prophecy he trembling hears. 

l f Thou chief contriver of my fall ? 

" Relentiefs dean, to mifchief born ; 
c f My kindred pft thine hide (hall gall, 

c< Thy gown and caflbck oft be torn. 

f c And thy confed'rate dame, who brags 
*' That (he condemn'd me to the fire, 

P Shall rent her petticoats to rags, 
f * And wound her legs with ev'ry briar. 

"Nor 



124 MARKET-HILL THORN. 

" Nor thou, lord* Arthur ^ (halt efcape: 
" To tbee I often call'd in vain, 

" Againft that aflaflin in crape; 

" Yet thou could'ft tamely fee me flain. 

" Nor when I felt the dreadful blow, 
" Or chid the dean, or pinch'd thy 
." fpoufe; 

" Since you could fee me treated fo 
" (An old retainer to your houfe), 

" May that fell dean, by whofe command 
" Wasform'd this Machiavellian plot, 

" Not leave a thiftle on thy land ; 

" Then who will own thee for a Scot? 

" Pigs and fanaticks, cows and teagues, 
tft Through all thy empire I forefee, 

" To tear thy hedges, join in leagues; 
" Sworn to revenge my thorn and me. 

" And thou the wretch ordain'd by fate, 
" NealGagahan, Hibernian clown x 

" With hatchet blunter than thy pate, 
" To hack my hallow'd timber down^ 

* Sir Arthur Acbefon> 

" When 



•LADIES AT SOT'S-HOLE. 12$ 

l< When thou, fufpended high in air, 
'* Dy'ft on a more ignoble tree 



€t 



(For thou (halt fteal thy landlord's mare), 
" Then, bloody caitiff think on me." 



On the jive Ladies at * SotVHole, with 
the DoSior -f- at their head. 

N. B. 1 'be Ladies treated the DoSior. 

Sent as from an Officer in the drm\\ 

Written in the Year 1728. 

FAIR ladies, number five, 
Who, in your merry freaks, 
With little Tom contrive 
To feaft on ale and (leaks. 

While he fits by a -grinning, 
To fee you fafe in Sofs-hole^ 

Set up with greafy linen, 

And neither mugs nor pots whole. 



I 



* An alehoufe in Dublin f Dr. Thomas Sheridan. 
fiupous for beef- fteaks. 



Alas! 



1 



i&6 LADIES AT SOT'S-HOLB. 

Alas ! I never thought, 

A pried would pleafeyour palate ; 
Befides, Til hold a groat, 

He'll put you in a ballad; 

Where I (hall fee your faces 
On paper daub'd fo foul, 

They'll be no more like graces, 
Than Venus like an owl, 

And we (hall take you rather 
To be a midnight pack 

Of witches met together 
With Beelzebub in black. 

It fills my heart with woe 
To think, fuch ladies fine 

% hould be reduc'd fo low 
To treat a dull divine. 

Be by a parfon cheated ! 

Had you been cunning (lagers, 
You might yourfelves be treated 

By captains and by majors. 

See how corruption grows 

While-mothers, daughters, aunts, 
Inftead of powder'd beaus, 

From pulpits chufe gallants. 



ON SURNIttG A DULL POEM. 1 27 
F we, who wear our wigs 

With fan-tail and with fnake, 
Ire bubbled thus by prigs ; 

Z " ds, who would be a rake ? 

lad I a heart to fight, 

I'd knock the do&or down ; * 
)r could I read or write, 

Egad I'd wear a gown. 

Phen leave him to his birch*, 

And at The Rofe on Sunday < f 
The parfon fafe at church, 

I'll treat you with burgundy. 



On burning a Dull POEM. 
Written in the Year 1729. 

A N afs's hoof alone can hold 

•^ That pois'nous juice, which kills by 

cold, 
f ethought, when I this poem read, 
f o veflel but an afs's head 
Uch frigid fuftian could contain ; 
mean the head without the brain* 

* He kept a fchool, 

1 The 



1 28 ON BURNING A DULL POEM. 
The cold conceits, the chilling thought? 
Went clown like ftupifying draughts: 
I found my head began to fwim, 
A numbnefs crept thro' ev'ry limb. 
In hade, with imprecations dire, 
I threw the volume in the fire : 
When (who could think?) tho' cdid as \c£ m 
It burnt to aflies in a trice. 

How could I more enhance its fame 1 
Tho' born in fnow, it dy'd in flame. 



ALI, 



[ 12 9 ] 

1 

A LIBEL 

O N 

The Reverend Dr. DELANY, 

And His Excellency 

JOHN Lord CARTERET. 

% £)r. Delany, occafionedby his Epiftleto 
his Excellency John Lord Carteret* 

Written in the Year 1729. 

DELUDED mortals, whom the^ras* 
Chufe for companions teteatete\ 
Who at their dinners, en families 
Get leave to fit whene'er you will ; 
Then boafting tell us where you din'd, 
And, how his lord/hip was fo kind ; 
How many pleafant things he fpoke, 
And, how you laugh" d ax. w xy joke- : 
\ Swear he's a moft facetious man ; 
i 'That -you and he are cup and ca?m ; 
You travel with a heavy load, 
And quite mifiake preferment's road, . 
Vol. VII. K Suppofe 



130 A LIBEL ON DR. DELANY. 

Suppofe my lord and you alone, 
Hint the leaft int'reft of your own ; 
His vifage drops, he knits his brow, 
He cannot talk of bus'nefs now : 
Or mention but a vacant pofl y 
He'll turn it off with, name your toqft : 
Nor could the niceft artift paint 
A countenance with more conftraint. 

For, as their appetites to quench 
Lords keep a pimp to bring a wench ; 
So men of wit are but a kind 
Of pandars to a vicious mind ; 
Who proper objects muft provide 
To gratify their luft of pride, 
When, weary 'd with intrigues of ftate, 
They find an idle hour to prate. 
Then mall you dare to afk a place. 
You forfeit all your patrons grace, 
And difappoint the fole defign, 
For which he fummon'd you to dine. 

Thus Congreve fpent in writing plays, 
And one poor office, half his days : 
While Montague f who claim'd the ftation 
To be Meceenas of the nation, 

• * Earl of Halifax. 

For 



A LIBEL ON DR. DEL ANY. 131 

For poets open table kept, 
But ne'er confider'd where they flept : 
Himfelf as rich as fifty yews, 
' Was eafy, though they wanted (hoes ; 
And crazy Congreve fcarce could fpare 
A (hilling to difcharge his chair : 
'Till prudence taught him to appeal 
From Paeans fire to party zeal j 
Not owing to his happy vein 
The fortunes of his later fcene, 
Took proper principles to thrive ; 
And lb might ev'ry dunce alive. 

Thus Steele, who own'd what others writ, 
And flourifli'd by imputed wit, 
From perils of a hundred jails 
Withdrew to ftarve, and die in Wales. 

Thus Gay t thet&are with many friend?, 
Twice feven long years the court attends : 
Who under talcs conveying truth, 
To virtue form'd a princely § youth : 
Who paid his courtfhip with the croud 
As far as medefi pride allow'd; 



% See his fables. duke of CumbcrkrJ, fc=onJ 

f His royal highnefs IVilliam foil of George II. 

K 2 Rejects 



1 3 2 A LIBEL ON DR. DEL ANY. 

Rejeds a fervile ujhers place, 
And leaves St. James's in difgrace** 

Thus Addifo?t y by lords careftj 
Was left in foreign lands diftreft ; 
Forgot at home, became for hire 
A traveling tutor to a '[quire : 
But wifely left the mufes hill, 
To bus'nefs fhap'd the poet's quill i 
Let all his barren laurels fade, 
look up himfelf the courtier s trade, 
And, grown a minifter of fiate, 
kiv poets at his levee wait. 

I Tail, happy Pope ! whofe generous mind 
Dttciling all the ftatefman kind, 
Contemning courts, at courts unfeen, 
Re :i\\sd the vifits of a queen, 
A foul with ev'ry virtue fraught, 
By fages, priejisy or poets taught ; 
V/hcfe filial piety excels 
Whatever Grecian ftory tells; 
A genius for all ftations fit, 
Whofe meanejl talent is his wit ; 

. * r or force account of this, ter XXVI. See alfo verfes to 
fre FcpSs work* pub! iflxn! hy Mr. Gay in the fubfequent 
Mr. /; 'jrlu/tcn, Vcl. II. Ltt- ^art of this volume. 

7 His 



A LIBEL ON DR. DELANY. 133 
s heart too great, though fortune little, 

lick a rafcal ftatefman V fpittle ; 
pealing to the nation's tafte, 
K)ve the reach of want is plac'd : 
Homer dead was taught to thrive, 
rich Homer never could alive ; 
d fits aloft on Pindus" head, 
fpifing^zm that cringe for bread. 

True politicians only pay 
r folid work, but not for play ; 
r ever chufe to work with tools 
rg'd up in colleges zndfchools. 
nfider how much more is due 
all their journey-men than you : 
table you can Horace quote ; 
ey at a pinch can bribe a vote : 
u fhew your (kill in Grecian iiory ; 
t they can manage whig and tGrj : 
u, as a critick, are fo curious 
find a verfe in Virgil fpurious ; 
t they can fmoke the deep deli^n*, 
ben Bolingbroke with Pulincy dines. 

Befides, your patron may upbraid yc, 
lat you have got a place ahead v ; 

K 3 * An 



1 54 A LIBEL ON DR. DELANY. 

An office for your talents fit, 

To flatter, crave, and {hew your wit ; 

To fnufr the lights and ftir the fire, 

And get a dinner for your hire. 

What claim have you to place or penfionf 

He overpays in condefcenfion. 

But, rev'rcnd dcElor^ you we know 
Could never condefcend fo low; 
The vkc-roy, whom you now attend, 
Wou'd, if he durft, be more your friend; 
Nor will inycu thofe gifts defpife, 
By v\hich himfclf was taught to rife: 
When lie has virtue to retire, 
•He'll grieve he did not raife you higher, 
And place you in a better ftation, 
Although it might have pleas'd the nation. 

This may be true — fubmitting ftill 
To Walpoles more than royal will ; 
And what condition can be worfe ? 
He comes to drain a beggar s purfe ; 
He comes to tie our- chains on fafter, 
And fhew us, England is our matter : 
Careffing knaves, and dunces wooing, 
To make them work their own undoings 

What 



A LIBEL ON DR. DELANY. i 3 s 
Vhat has he elfe to bait his traps, 
)r bring his vermine in, but Jcraps f 
The oflals of a church diftreft ; 
V. hungry vicarage at befl ; 
)r fome remote inferior poft 
Vith forty pounds a year at mod ? 

But here again you interpofe ; 
four favourite lord is none of tliofe 
Vlio owe their virtues to their ftations, 
Lad characters to dedications : 
? or keep him in, or turn him out, 
lis learning none will call in doubt ; 
lis learnings though a poet faid it 
lefore a play, would lofe no credit ; 
Tor Pope would dare deny him wit, 
although to praife it Philips writ. 

own, he hates an action bafe, 
lis virtues battling with his place ; 
4or wants a nice difcerning fpirit 
letwixt a true and fpurious merit ; 
3an fonletimes drop a voters claim, 
Vnd give up party to his fame. 

do the mod: that friendjhip can ; 
. hate the vice-roy y love the man. 

But you who, till your fortune's made, 
be ajweet'ner by your trade, 

K 4 Should 



136 A LIBEL ON DR. DELANY. 

Should fwear he never meant us ill ; 
We fuffer fore againft his will ; 
That if we could but fee his heart, 
He would have chofe a milder part : 
We rather mould lament his cafe, 
Who muft obey or lofe his place. 

Since this reflexion flipt your pen, 
Infert it when you write again : 
And, to illuftrate it, produce 
This fimik for his excufe ; 

" So to deftroy a guilty land 
An *angel fent by heavris command, 
While he obeys almighty will, 
Perhaps may feel compajftcn ftill ; 
And wim the tafk had been affign'd 
To fpirits of lefs gentle kind." 



(C 

cc 

(C 
(C 

<( 



But I, in politicks grown old, 
Whofe thoughts are of a difFrent mould, 
Who from ray foul fincerely hate 
Both k — s and minifters oijlate, 
Who look on courts with ftricter eyes 
To fee the feeds of vice arife, 

* So when an angel by divine command. 

Addison's Campaign 

a 



A LIBEL ON QR, DELANY. 137 

Can lend you an allufion jitter, 
Though flattering knaves may call it bitter J 
Which, if you durft but give it place, 
Would (hew you many zftatefmaris face : 
Frefh from the tripod of Apollo 
I hap! it in the words that follow 
(Take notice, to avoid offence, 
I here except his excellence), 

" So, to effedt his monarch's ends, 
c< From hell a vice-roy devil afcends ; 
" His budget with corruptions cramm'd, 
" The contributions of the damrid\ 
" Which with unfparing hand he ftrows 
? c Through courts and Jenates as he goes ; 
" And then at Beelzebub's black ball, 

Complains his budget was too fmall." 



C( 



Your Jimile may better fhine 
In verfe ; but there is truth in mine. 
For no imaginable things 

Can differ more than gods and k 

And flatefmen by ten thoufandodds 
Are angels juft as k — s are gods. 



T O 



[ *38 ] 

TO 

Janus, on NEW-YEAR's-DAY. 

Written in the Year 1729. 

TWO-fac'd Janus, god of time ! 
Be my Pbcebus while I rhyme ; 
To oblige your crony Swift, 
Bring our. dame a new-year's-gift : 
She nas got but half a face j 
Janus, fince thou haft a brace, 
To my lady once be kind ; 
Give her half thy face behind. 

God of time, if you be wife, 
Look not with your future eyes : 
What imports thy forward fight ? 
Well, if you could lofe it quite. 
Can you take delight in viewing 
r I his poor ifle's* approaching ruin, 
When thy retrofpe&ion vaft 
Sees the glorious ages paft ? 

Happy nation ! were we blind, 
Or had only eyes behind. 

* Ireland. 

Drowfl 



D R A P I E R's H I L L. 139 

^owo your morals, madam cries, 
VI have none but forward eyes 5 
^tudes decay 'd about may tack, 
Strain their necks with looking back ; 
Give me time when coming on : 
Who regards him when he's gone ? 
3y the dean though gravely told, 
*Iew years help to make me old ; 
fet I find a new year's lace 
Surnifhes an old year's face : 
3ive me velvet and quadrille, 
.'11 have youth and beauty ftill. 

DRAPIER's HILL.* 

Written in the Year 173c 

WE give the world to underftand, 
Our thriving dean has purchased 
land ; 
L purchafe, which will bring him clear 
Vbove his rent four pounds a year ; 
^ovided, to improve the ground 
ie will but add two hundred pound, 

* The d?an gave this name, tween that and Market-bill* 

> a farm called Drumlack, and intended to build an houfe 

hichhe took of Sir Arthur upon it, but afterwards chang- 

cbefon, whofe feat lay be- ed his mind. 

And 



l 4 o DRAPIER'sHI LL. 

And from bis endlefs hoarded ftore 
To build a houfe five hundred more, 
Sir Arthur too fhall have his will, 
And call the manfion Drapiers hill : 
That when a nation, long enflav'd, 
Forgets by whom it once was fav'd ; 
When none theDRAPiER's praife (hall fingj 
His figns aloft no longer fwing; 
His medals and his prints forgotten, 
And all his* handkerchiefs are rotten ; 
His famous Letters made wafte paper; 
This hill may keep the name of Drapier ; 
In fpight of envy, flourifh ftill, 
And Drapier's vie with Cooper's hill. 



* Medals were caft, many honour of the author, under 
figns hung up, and hand leer- the name of M. B. Drafter, 
chiefs made with devices, in 



The 



[ Hi ] 
*Tbe Grand ^ueftion debated. 



WHETHER 



milton's *BawnJhou/d he turned into a 
Barrack or a Malt-Houfe.. 

Written in the Year 1729. 

"^HUS fpoke to my lady the knight $ 
full of care, 

me have your advice in a weighty 

affair. 
Is + Hamilton's bawn, whilft it flicks 

on my hand, 
ofe by the houfe what I get by the 

land; 

how to difpofe of it to the beft bid- 
der, 

a § barrack or malt-houfe> we now 

muft confider. 

i JStfwn was a place near f A large old houfe, two 

oufe, inclofed with mud miles from Sir Arthur Achefotts 

one walls to keep the feat. 

from being ftolen in the § The army in Ireland is 

. They are now little lodged in ftrong buildings 
over the whole kingdom, 

iir Arthur Achefon, at called Barracks. 
■ feat it was wiitten. 

Firft 



142 THE GRAND QUESTION. 
Firft, let me fuppofe I make it a malt- 
houfe> 

Here I have computed the profit will fall 
t'us ; 

There's nine hundred pounds for labour 
and grain, 

I increafe it to twelve, fo three hundred 
remain ; 

A handfome addition for wine and good 
chear, 

Three dimes a day, and three hogfheads a • 
year : 

With a dozen large veffels my vault {hall 
be ftor'd ; 

No little fcrub joint (hall come on my board : 

And you and the dean no more {hall com- 
bine 

To ftint me at night to one bottle of wine: 

Nor mall I, for his humour, permit you to 
purloin 

A ftone and a quarter of beef from my fir- 
loin. 

If I make it a barrack^ the crown is mj 
tenant ; 

My dear, I have ponder'd again and again 
on't: 



In 



THE GRAND QUESTION. 143 

In poundage and drawbacks Ilofe half my 

rent, 
Whatever they give me, 1 muft be content, 
Or join with the court in ev'ry debate ; 
And rather than that I would lofe my 

eftate. 

Thus ended the knight : thus began his 

meek wife ; 
It tnuftt and it pall be a barrack, my life. 
Tip grown a meer tnopus\ no company 

comes, 
But a rabble of tenants, and rufty dull 

*Rums. 
With parfons what lady can keep herfelf 

clean ? 
I'm all over daub'd when I fit by the dean. 
But if you will give us a barrack, my dear, 
The captain, I'm fure, will always come 

here; 
I then fliall not value his deanfhip a ftraw, 
For the captain, I warrant, will keep him 

in awe ; 
Or mould he pretend to be brifk and alert, 
Will tell him that chaplains mould not be 

fo pert ; 

* A cant word in Inland for a poor country clergyman. 

That 



i42 THE GRAND QUESTION. 

That men of his coat fhould be minding 

their pray'rs, 
And not among ladies to give themfelve's 

airs. 

Thusargu'd my lady, but argii'd in vain; 
The knight his opinion refolv'd to maintain. 

But f Hannah, who liften'd to all that 

was pall, 
And could n6t endure fo vulgar a tafte^ 
As foon as her ladyfhip call'd to be dreft, 
Cry'd, madam, why furely my matter's po£ 

feft. 
Sir Arthur the maltfter ; how fine it will 

found ! 
I'd rather the bawn were funk under ground. 
But madam, I guefs'd there would never 

come good, 
When I faw him fo often with * Darby and 

Wood. 
And now my dream's out ; for I was a- 

dream'd 
That I faw a huge rat, O dear, how £ 

fcream'd ! 



t My lady's waitingwo- * Two of Sir Arthur u 
man. nagcrs. , 

An^ 



THE GRAND QUESTION. 145 
And after, methought, I had loft my new 

fhoes; 
And Molly, (hefaid, I mould hear Tome ill 

news. 

Dear madam, had you but the fpirit to 

teaze, 
You might have a barrack whenever you 

pleafe: 
And, madam, I always believ'dyou foftour, 
That for twenty denials you would not 

give out. 
If I had a hufband like him, \ purtefl, 
'Till he gave me my will, I would give 

him no reft ; 
And rather than come in the fame pair of 

meets 
With fuch a crofs man, I would lie in the 

ftreetss 
But, madam, I beg you contrive and invent, 
And worry him out, 'till he gives his con- 

fent. 

Dear madam, whene'er of a barrack I 
think, 
An I were to be hang'd I can't fleep a 
wink : 
Vol. VII. L For 



146 THE GRAND QUESTION. 

For if anew crotchet comes into my brain, 

I can't get it out, tho' I'd never fo fain. 

I fancy already a barrack contriv d 

At Hamilton's bawn, and the troop is 

arriv'd; 
Of this to be fure Sir Arthur has warning, 
And waits on the captain betimes the next 

morning. 

Now fee when they meet how their 

honours behave ; 
Noble captain your fervant — Sir Arthur 

your flave ; 
You honour me much — the honour is 

mine,- : — 
'Twas a fad rainy night — but the' morn- 
ing is fine — 
Pray how does my lady? — my wife's at" 

your fervice. — 
I think I have feen her picture byyervts.-r- 
Goodvmorrow, good captain > — 1*11 wait 

on you down — 
You fha'n't ftir a foot — you'll think me 

a clown — 
For all the world, captain , not half an inch 

farther — 
You muft be obey'd — your fervant, Sir 

Arthur $ My 



THE GRAND QUESTION. 147 
[y humble refpects to my lady unknown.— 
hope you will ufe my houfe as your own. 

" Go bring me my fmock, and leave 

" off your prate, 
Thou haft certainly gotten a cup in thy 

" pate." 
'ray madam be quiet ; what was it I 

kid?— 
fou had like to have put it quite out of 

my head. 

Next day, to be fure, the captain will 

come 
it the head of his troops, with trumpet 

and drum : 
Tow, madam, obferve how he marches in 

ftate: 
*he man with the kettle-drum enters the 

gate: 
Jub, dub, adub y dub* The trumpeters 

. follow, 
Tantara, tantara, while all the boys hol- 
low. 
See now comes the captain all daub'd with 

gold lace: 
Olawl the fweet gentleman! look in his 

face; L 2 And 



148 THE GRAND QUESTION. 
And fee how he rides like a lord of the lan< 
With the fine flaming fword that he hok 

in his hand ; 
And his horfe, the dear creter, it pranct 

and rears; 
With ribbons in knots at its tail and i 

ears: 
At laft comes the troop, by the word o 

command, 
Drawn up in our court; when the captain 

cries, Stand. 
Your ladyjhip lifts up the fafli to be leen 
(For fure 1 had dizenclyou out like a queen) ; 
The captain, to (hew he is proud of tie 

favour, 
Looks up to your window, and cocks up 

his beaver 
(His beaver is cock'd; pray, madam, mark 

that, 
For a captain of horfe never takes off his 

hat; 
Becaufe he has never a hand that is idle J 
For the right holds the fword, and the lefi 

holds the bridle). 
Then flourishes thrice his fword in the air 
As a compliment due to a lady fo fair; 

i (Hov 



THE GRAND QUESTION. 149 

How I tremble to think of the blood it 
hath fpilt!) 

rh.en he low 'rs down the point, andkifles 
the hilt. 

¥our lady/hip fmiles, and thus you begin; 

Pray, captain, be pleas'd to alight and 
walk in.: 

The captain falutes you with congee pro- 
found, 

And your ladyjhip curtijes halfway to the 
ground, 

Jf/>, run to your mailer, and bid him 

come to us. 
I m fure he'll be proud of the honour you 

do us: 
A>nd, captain, you'll do us the favour to 

g And take a fhort dinner here with us to- 
day: 
You're heartily welcome : but as for good 

chear, 
You come in the very worft time of the 

year; 
If I had expected fo worthy a guefl: 
[J-ord I madam ! your ladyfiiip fure is in 
jell; 

L 3 ' You 



150 THE GRAND QUESTION. 

You banter me, madam, the kingdo 

muft grant 

You officers, captain, are fo complai&ni 

" Hift, huffy, Tthink I hear fome bo 

" coming " 

No, madam j tis only Sr Arthur a hur 
ming. 

To fhorten my tale (for I hate a loi 

ftory) 
The captain at dinner appears in his glory 
The dean and the * doclor have humble 

their pride. 
For the captains entreated to fit by you 

fide 5 
And, becaufe he's their betters, you carv 

for him firft ; 
The parfons for envy are ready to burft: 
The feryants amaz'd are fcarce ever able 
To keep off their eyes, as they wait at th 

table j 
And Molly and I have thruft in our nol 
To peep at the captain in all his fin 

does : 

* Do&QtJtnny, a clergyman in the neighbourhood. 

Dea 



THE GRAND QUESTION. 1 5 1 
£>ear madam, be fure he's a fine-fpoken 

man, 
J^o but hear on the clergy how glib his 

tongue ran; 
** And, madam, fays he, if fuch dinners 

<c y ou g* ve > 

u 'S^bu'll never want par/bns as long as you 

Jive; 
" I . ne'er knew a par/on wi thout a good nofe, 
" ^3ut the devil's as welcome wherever he 

* c goes: 
* c C3 — d — me, they bid us reform and re.- 

" pent, 
ft X3ut, z — s, by their looks they never 

<? keep lent: 
M Nlifter curate^ for all your grave looks, 

H Vm afraid 
(< ^fou caft a (heep's eye on her ladyfhip's 

" maid, 
* f X wiQi me wou'd lend you her pretty 

* c white hand 
" In mending your caflbck, and fmooth- 
" ing your band 
1 ft (For the dean wasfofhabby, and look\J 
1 " like a ninny, 

I *' That the captain fuppofs'd he was. cut 
I fate to Jenny). 

I • L+ « When 



1 52 THE GRAND QUESTION. 
"Whenever you fee a caflbck and gown, 
u A hundred to one but it covers a clown j 
« Obferve how zparfon comes into a room j 
«< G— *d— me,- he hobbles as bad as my 

" groom ; 
" hfcholard, when juft from his college 

* " broke loofe, 
" Can hardly tell how to cry bo toagoofej 
" Yom*Noveds i andBtuturcks } andOtnuri 

"and fluff, 
«' By G — they don't fignify this pinch of 

"muff. 
" To give a young gentleman right edur 

" cation, 
" The army's the only good fchopl in the- 

" nation; 
" My fchool-mafter call'd me a dunce and 

"a fool, : 

!' But at cuffs I was always the cock of 

f* the fchool; 
" I never could take to my book for th^5 

" blood o'me, 
?' And the puppy cpnfefs'd he expected nC3 

" good o'me. 

* Ovids, Pltttarcbs, Homers See Eflay on Modern Ed«-» 
cation, ' 



a 



THE GRAND QUESTION. 153 

f* He caught me one morning coquetting 

*' his wife, 
f* But he maul'd me, I ne'er was fo maul'cf 

*. c in my life: 
.*' So I took to the road, and what's, very 

-"odd, 
5* The firft man I robb'd was a parfon, by 

« G— . 
f* Now, madam, you'll think it a ftrange 

" thing to fay, 
H But the light of a book makes me fick 

f l to this day." 

Never fince I was born did I hear fq 

much wit, 
And, madam, I laugh'd till I thought I 

flipuld fplit. 
80 then you look'd fcornful, and fnift at 

the dean, 
As who (hou'd fay, now, am I *Jkinny and 

lean? 
But he durft not fo much as once open his 

lips, 
And the doSior was plaguily down in the 

hips. 

* Nick-names for my ladjr. 

Thus 



j 54 THE GRAND QUESTION. 

Thus mercilefs Hannah ran on in her 
talk, 
Till (he heard the dean call, isoillyour lady- 

Jhipwalkf 
HeTlaqyJbip anfwers, Tmjuft commgdamn^ 
Then turning to Hannah, and forcing a 

frown, 
Although it was plain in her heart fhe was 

glad, 
Cry'd, huffy, why fure the wench is gone 

mad : 
How could thefe chimera $ get into your 

brains? 

Come hither, and take this old gown for 

your pains, 
But the dean, if this (beret fliou,d come 

to his ears, 
Will never have done with his gibes and 

his jeers : 
For your life not a word of the matter, I 

charge ye : 
Give me but a barrack, a fig for the clerg% 



Ari 



C *ss 3 

An Excellent New BALLAD; or the true 
pnglifh Dean * to be hang d for a rcipe. 

Written in the Year 1730. 

I. 

/^\UR brethren of England, who love 
*^ us fo dear, 

yA.n4 in all they 4° for us fo kindly do 

mean, 
A blefling upon them ! have fent us this year 
* For the good of our church, a true Eng- 

UJh dean. 
A holier prieft ne'er was wrapt up in crape, 
The worft you can fay, he committed a rape. 

II. 

Jn his journey to Dublin he lighted at 
Chefier, 
And there he grew fond of another 
man's wife ; 
Purft into her chamber, and would have 
carefs'd her ; 
But (he valu'd her honour much more 
than her life. 



£ Saxvbridge t dean of Femes* 

She 



i 5 6 A BALLAD. 

She buftled and ftruggled, and made her 

efcape 
To a room full of guefts, for fear of a rape, 

III. 
The dean he purfued, to recover his game; 
And now to attack her again he prepares ; 
put the company flood in defence of the 
dame, 
They cudgel'd, and cuft him, and kick'd 
him down flairs. 
His deanfhip was now in a damnable (crape. 
And this was no time for committing a rape, 

JV, 

To Dublin he comes, to the ^^•we he goes, 
And orders the landlord to bring hinj 

a whore; 
No fcruple came on him his gown to ex* 

pofe, 
'Twas what all his life he had pra&is'cj 

before. 
He had made himfelf drunk with the juice 

of the grape, 
And got a good clap y but committed no 

rape. 

V. The 



A B A 1 L A D. 157 

V. 

The dean and his landlord, a jolly comrade, 
Refolv'd for a fortnight to fwim in de- 
light; 
For why, they had both been brought up 
to the trade 
Of drinking all day, and of whoring all 
night. 
His landlord was ready his deanfliip to ape 
In ev'ry debauch, but committing a rape. 

VI. 

This protejlant zealot, this Englijh divine, 

In church and in ftate was of principles 

found; 

Was truer than Steele to the Hanover line K 

And griev'd that a Tory fhould live 

above ground. 

Shall a fubjeft fo loyal be hang'd by the 

nape 
For no other crime, but committing a rape ? 



VII. By 



158 A BALLAD. 

VII. 
By old popijh canons, as wife men have 
penn'd 'em, 
Each prieft had zconcuhmz, jure ecclejta; 
Who'd be, dean of Femes without a com" 
mendamf 
And precedents we can produce, if it 
pleafe ye : 
Then why fhould the dean, when whores 

are fo cheap, 
Be put to the peril and toil of a rape r* 

VIII. 

If fortune fhould pleafe but to take fucha 

crotchet 
(To thee I apply, great Smedleys fuc- 

ceflbr) 
To give thee lawn Jleeves, a mitre and 

rochet^ 
Whom wouldfl thou refemble? I leave 

theeaguefler; 
But I only behold thee in * Athertoris 

fhape, 
For fodomy hang'd, as thou for a rape. 



* A bifhop of JPaterford* fent from England a hundred^^ 
years ago. 

IX. Ah i 



X 
A B A L L A D. 159 

IX. 

Ah ! doft thou not envy the brave col'nel 

ChartreSy 
Condemned for thy crime at threefcore 

and ten ? 
To hang him all England would lend hm 

their garters; 
Yet he lives, and is ready to ravifh again. 
Then throttle thy felf with an ell of ftrong 

tape, 
For thou haft not a groat to atone for a 

rape. 

X. 

The dean he was vex'd that his whores 
werefo willing: 
Helong'd for a girl that would ftruggle 
and fquall ; 
He ravifh'd her fairly, and fav'd a good 
fhilling; 
But here was to pay the devil and all. 
His trouble and forrows now come in a 
heap, 

F -And hang'd he muft be for committing a 
- jape. 

XI. If 



i6o A BALtAD. 

XI. 

If maidens are favifh'd, it is their owrt 
choice : 
Why are they fo wilful to ftruggle with 
men! 
If they would but lie quiet, and ftifle their 1 
voice, 
No devil nor dean could raviuYem then. 
Nor would there be need of a ftrong hemp-' 

en cape 
Ty'd round the dean's neck for commit* 
ing a rape. 

XII. 

Our church and our ftate dear England 
maintains, 
For which all true proteftant hearts 
fhould be glad : 
She fends us our bifhops and judges and 
deans; 
And better would give us, if better (he 
had. 
But, lord, how the rabble will flare and 

*will gape, 
When the good Englijh dean is hang'd up 
for a rape I 

Tie 



[ I6i ] 

the LADY's Drejmg-Room.* 

Written in the Year 1730. 

[ V E hours, (and who can do it lefs in ?) 
By haughty delta fpent in drefling; 
goddefs from her chamber iflues, 
y'd in lace, brocades and tuTues. 
'don, who found the room was void, 
Betty otherwife employ'd, 
s in, and took a illicit furvey 
11 the litter as it lay : 
:reof, to make the matter clear, 
wventory follows here. 

i.nd firft, a dirty fmock appear'd, 
ath the arm-pits well befmear'd ; 
bhon> the rogue, difplay'd it wide, 
turn it round onev'ry fide: 

charge has been more ans to cure a lethargy have 

ntly brought againft the recourfe to a blifter; and 

>r indeed mo/e generally though it may reafonably be 

ed, than that of coarfe fuppofed, that few Englijh 

acy, of which this po- ladies leave fuch a drafting- 

al ways produced as an room as Calia's, yet many may 

:e : here then it is but have given fufficicnt caufe for 

to remark, that when- reminding them that, very 

e offends againft deli- foon after defire has been 

le teaches it ; he ftimu- gratified, the utmoft delicacy 

:he mind to fenfibility, becomes neceflary to prevent 
reft the faults of habi- ' diigult. See a defence of this 

egligence ; as phyfici- poem in Vol. XII. 

'ol. VII. M In 



162 LADY'S DRESSING-ROOM. 
In fuch a cafe few words are beft, 
And Strephon bids us guefs the reft; 
But fwears, how damnably the men lie 
In calling Ccelia fweet and cleanly. 

Now liften, while he next produces 
The various combs for various ufes; 
Fill'd up with dirt fo clofely fixt, 
No brum cou'd force a way betwixt; 
A parte of composition rare, 
Swear, dandriff, powder, lead, and hair. 
A forehead-cloth with oil upon't 
To fmooth the wrinkles on her front: 
Here allum-flower, to ftop the (teams 
Exhal'.d from four unfav'ry ftreams ; 
There night- gloves made of Tripfeys hide, 
Bequeath'd by Tripfey when me died ; 
With puppy water, beauty's help, 
Diftill'd from Tripfey s darling whelp. 
Here galley-pots and vials plac'd, 
Some fill'd with wames, fome with pafte; 
Some with pomatums, paints, and flops, 
And ointments good for fcabby chops. 
Hard by a filthy bafon {lands, 
Foul'd with the fcowring of her hands; 
The bafon takes whatever comes, 
The fcrapings from her teeth and gums, 

A m&f 



LADY'S DRESSING-ROOM. 163 
nafty compound of all hues, 
r here (he fpits, and here fheipues. 

3utoh ! ittum'd poor Strephori 's bowels, 
den he beheld and fmelt the towels, 
sjumm'd, bematter'd, and beflim'd, 
it h dirt, and fweat, and ear-wax grim'd, 
) object Strephori s eye efcapes ; 
rre petticoats in frowzy heaps; 
>r be the handkerchiefs forgot, 
1 varnifli'd o'er with fnuff and fnot. 
le (lockings why lLould I expofe, 
lin'd with the moifture of her toes ; 
' greafy coifs, or pinners reeking, 
hich Ccelia flept at leaft a week in ? 
pair of tweezers next he found, 
) pluck her brows in arches round; 
- hairs that fink the forehead low, 
• on her chin like briftles grow. 

The virtues we muft not let pafs 
F Cafias magnifying glafs ; 
hen frighted Strephon caft his eye on't, 
(hew'd the vifage of a giant: 
glafs that can to fight difclofe 
he fmalleft worm in Calids nofe, 
nd faithfully direct her nail 
o fqueeze it out from head to tail ; 

M 2 For, 



1 64 LADY'S DRESSINQ-ROOM. 
For, catch it nicely by the head, 
It muft come out, alivq or dead. 

Why, Strephon, will you tell the reft? 
And muft you needs defcribe the cheft ? 
That carelefs wench! no creature warn her 
To move it out of yonder corner ! 
But leave it ftanding full in fight, 
For you to exercife your fpite? 
In vain the workman fhew'd his wit, 
With rings and hinges counterfeit, 
To make it feem in this difguife 
A cabinet to vulgar eyes, 
Which Strepbon ventur'd to look in, 
Refolv'd to go through thick and thin. 
He lifts the lid: there needs no more, 
He fmelt it all the time before. 

As, from within Pandoras box, 
When Epimetheus op'd the locks, 
A fudden univerfal crew 
Of human evils upward flew; 
He ft ill was comforted to find 
That hope at laft remain'd behind. 
So Strephon lifting up the lid, 
To view what in the cheft was hid, 
The vapours flew from out the vent; 
But Strepbon y cautious, never meant 

-Tkss 



LADY'S DRESSING-ROOM. 16 

« 

The bottom of the pan to grope, 
And foul his hands in fearch of hope. 

O ! ne'er may fuch a vile machine 
Be once in Calias chamber feen I 
O f may (he better learn to keep 
Thofe Jecrets of the hoary deep * / 

As mutton- cutlets, + prime of meat, 
Which, though with art you fait and beat, 
As laws of cookery require, 
And roaft them at the cleared fire; 
If from X adown the hopeful chops, 
The fat upon a cinder drops, 
To {linking fmoke it turns the flame, 
Pois'ning the flefli from whence it came, 
And up exhales a greafy flench, ' 
For which you curie the carelefs wench: 

So things which muft not be expreft, 

When plumpt into the reeking cheft, 

Send up an excremental fmell 

To taint the parts from whence they fell; 

r /ie petticoats and gown perfume, 

nd waft a ftink round ev'ry room. 

Thus finishing his grand furvey, 
3»e fwain difgutted flunk away ; 

Aftlttn. t Vid.D— — nZ> 'i 

Primj vbsrum. Works and N. P — ft. 

M 3 Repeating 



166 LADY'S DRESSING-ROOM. 

Repeating in bis am'rous fits, 

" Oh I Calia, Gelia, Gelia fh — " 

But vengeance, goddefs never deeping, 

Soon punifiY d Strepbon for his peeping : 

His foul imagination links 

Each dame he fees with all her (links j 

And, if unfav'ry odours fly, 

Conceives a lady ftanding by. 

All women his defcription fits, 

And both ideas jump like wits; 

By vicious fancy coupled faft, 

And ftill appearing in contraft* 

I pity wretched Strepbon, blind 
To all the charms of woman-kind. 
Should I the queen of love refufe, 
Becaufe fhe rofe from ftinking ooze? 
To him that looks behind the fcenc, 
Statira\ but fome pocky quean. 

When Calia all her glory fhows, 
If Strepbon would but flop his note, 
Who now fo impioufly blafphemes 
Her ointments, daubs, and paints, and 

creams, 
Her waflies, flops, and every clout, 
With which he makes fo foul a rout : 

i He 



REVOLUTION AT MARKET-HILL. 167 

He foon would learn to think like me, 
And blefs his ravifh'd eyes to fee 
Such order from confufion fprung, 
Such gaudy tulips rais'd from dung. 

He Power e/TIME*. 

1 

Written in the Year 1730. 

IP neither brafs nor marble can withstand 
The mortal force of Times deftru&ive 
hand 5 
If mountains fink to vales, if cities die, 
And lefs'ning rivers mourn their fountains 

dry : 
When my old caflbck (faid a JVelfD divine) 
Js out at elbows ; why (hould 1 repine? 

THE 
REVOLUTION at MARKET-HILL. 

Written in the Year 1730. 

FROM diftant regions Fortune fends 
An odd triumvirate of friends ; 
"Where Phoebus pays a fcanty ftipend, 
Where never yet a codling ripen'd : 

* $cqrren hath written a larger poem on the fame fubjeft. 

» ' ' ' ' M 4. Hither 



1 68 REVOLUTION AT MARKET-HIJLL. 

Hither the frantic goddefs draws 
.Three fuff'rers in a ruin'd caufe: 
By faction banifiYd here unite, 
* A dean, a + Spaniard, arid a knight J ; 
Unite, both on conditions cruel j 
The dean and Spaniard find it too well : 
Condemn'd to live in fervice hard ; 
On either fide his honour's guard, 
The dean, to guard his honour's back, 
Muft build a cattle at § Drumlack : 
The Spaniard, fore again ft his will, 
Muft raife a fort at Market-hill. 
And thus the pair of humble gentry 
At north and fouth are polled centry j 
While in his lordly caftle fixt 
The knight triumphant reigns betwixt: 
And, what the wretches moil refent, 
To be his flaves muft pay him rentj 
Attend him daily as their chief, 
Decant his wine, and carve his beef. 
Oh, fortune 1 'tis a fcandal for thee 
To fmile on thofewho are leaft worthy: 
Weigh but the merits of the three, 
Mis ilaves have ten times more than he. 

* The author. % Sir Arthur Athtfim. ■ 

t Col Harry LeJJie, who § See the poem called 

f:r/dandliv'<Uong in >pain. Draper's Hill. ' 

4 Prouc* 



REVOLUTION AT MARKET-HILL. 169 

Proud baronet of Nova Scotia! 
The dean and Spaniard mud reproach ye : 
Of their two fames the world enough rings ; 
Where are thy fervices andfufFrings? 
What if for nothing once you kift, 
Againft the grain, a monarch's fift? 
What if, among the courtly tribe, 
You loft a place, and fav'd a bribe ? 
And then in furly mood came here 
To fifteen hundrd pounds a year, 
And fierce againft the whigs harangu'd ? 
You never ventur'd to be hang'd. 
How dare you treat your betters thus P 
Are you to be compared with us ? 

Come, Spaniard, let us from our farms 
Call forth our cottagers to arms ; 
Our forces let us both unite, 
Attack the foe at left and right; 
From Market-bill's exalted head, 
Full northward let your troops be led ; 
While I from Drapier h-mount defcend, 
And to the fouth my fquadrons bend. 
New-river-walk with friendly {hade 
Shall keep my hoft in ambufcade ; 
While you, from where the bafpn ftands, 
Shall fcale the rampart with your bands. 
r Nor 



i ;o REVOLUTION AT MARKET-HILL. 

Nor need we doubt the fort to win; 

I hold intelligence within. 

True, lady Anne no danger fears, 

Brave as the Upton fan (he wears ; 

Then, left upon our firft attack 

Her valiant arm fhould force us back, 

And we of all our hopes deprived > 

I have a itratagem contriv'd. 

By thefe embrojder'd high-heel'd (hoes 

She (hall be caught as in a noofe; 

So well contriv'd her toes to pinch, 

She'll not have power to ftir an inch; 

Thefe gaudy (hoes muft * Hannah place 

Dired before her lady's face; 

The (hoes put pn, our faithful portrefs 

Admits us in to ftorm the fortrefs; 

While tortur'd madam bound remains. 

Like Montezuma, in golden chains, 

Or like a cat with "walnuts {hod, 

Stumbling at every ftep {he trod. 

Sly hunters thus, in Borneo's ifle, 

To catch a monkey by a wile, 

The mimic animal amufe ; ' 

They place before him gloves and (hoesj 

Which when the brute puts aukwardooj 

All his agility is gone : 

* My lady's waiting-maid. 

In 



REVOLUTION AT MARKET-HILL. i 7? 
In vain to frifk or climb he tries; 
The huntfmen feize the grinning prize. 

But let us on our firft aflault 
Secure, the larder and the vault : 
The valiant *' Dennis you muft fix on, 
And I'll engage with f Peggy Dixon: 
Then, if we once can feize the key 
And cheft, that keeps my lady's tea, 
They muft furrender at difcretion, 
And foon as we have gain'd pofiefiion, 
We'll a<9: as other conqu'rors do, 
Divide the realm between us two: 
Then (let me fee) we'll make the knight 
Our clerk, for he can read and write; 
But muft not think, I tell him that, 
(Like | Larimer to wear his hat ; 
Vet. when We dine without a friend, 
We 11 place bim at the lower end. 
Nfadam, whofe {kill does all in drefs lie, 
May ferve to wait on Mrs. Lejlie ; 
But, Jeft it might not be fo proper 
That her own maid fliould over-top her \ 
To mortify the creature more, 
: "yVe'll take her heels five inches low'r. 

* The butler. % The agent. 

jf The houfe-keeper. 

For 



i7 2 TRAULUS. 

For Hannah^ when we have no need of 
- her, 
'Twill be our int'reft to get rid of her = 
And when we execute our plot, 
'Tis beft to hang her on the fpot ; 
As all your politicians wife 
Difpatch the rogues by whom they rife. 

TRAULUS. 

A Dialogue between TOM and ROBIN. 

The Firft PART, 

Written in the Year 1730. 

Tom.Q* AY, Robin, what can Traulus mean 

^ By bell' wing thus againft the clean? , 
Why does he call him paltry fcribbler, 
Papijl, and jacobite, and UVlerf 
Yet cannot prove a (ingle fa£t ? 

Robin. Forgive him, Torn, his head is 
crackt. 

Tom. What mifchief can the dean\asi 

done him, i^ 1 <" 

That Traulus calls for vengeance on him? 

Why 



TRAULUS. ift 

Why muft he fputter, fpawl, and flaver it 
In vain againft the people's fav'rite? 
Revile that natiori-faving paper, 
Which gave the dean the name olDrapier f 

Robin. Why, Tom, I think the cafe is plain, 
Party and fpleen have tnrn'd his brain. 

Tom. Such friend&ip never man profeft, 
The dean was never fo careft; 
Fee Trau/us long his rancour nurs'd, 
'Till, God knows why, at laft it burft. 
That clumfy outfide of a porter, 
How could it thus conceal a courtier ? 

Robin, I own, appearances are bad ; 
Yet ftill infill the man is mad. 

7om,Yet many a wretch in Bedlam knows 
How to diftinguifh friends from foes; 
And, though perhaps among the rout, 
He wildly flings his filth about ; 
He ftill has gratitude and fap'ence, 
To Jpare the folks that give him ha'pence j 
Nor in their eyes at random pifles, 
But turns afide like mad Ulyjfes: 
While Trau/us all his ordure fcatters 
Toifoul the man he chiefly flatters. 

■»"' Whence 



i?4 TRAULUS. 

Whence come thefe inconfiftent fits ? 

Robin. Why, Tom, the man has loft bis 
• wits. 

Tom. Agreed : and yet when TcwzerCtwps 
At people's heels with frothy chaps ; 
Hangs down his head, and drops his tail, 
To lay he's mad will not avail : 
The neighbours all cry, Jhoot him dead, 
Hang, drown, or knock him on the head* 
So Trauius when he firft harangu'd, 
I wonder why he was not hang'd ; 
For of the two, without difpute, 
Towzers the lefs ofTenfive brute. 

Robin. Tom, you miftake the matter quite; 
Your barking curs will feldom bite ; 
And though you hear him ftut-tut-tut-ter, 
He barks as fait as he can utter. 
He prates in fpite of all impediment, ; 
While none believes, that what he faid he 
meant; * 

Puts in his finger and his thumb 
To grope for words, and out they come. 
He calls you rogue; there's nothing in it> 
He fawns upon you in a minute: 



T RAUL US. 175 

leave to rail, but d n bis blood \ 

dy meant it for your good: 
"iendjhipwas exaBly tinid, 
ot before your foes were primd. 
s contrivance, Mr. Dean ; 
— — Til bring you off as clea n * 
let turn ufe you e'er fi> rough, 
all for love, and that's enough, 
hough he fputter through a leflion, 
rer makes the lead imprcffion : 
e'er he fpeaks for oiadneis goes, 
no effect on friends or foes. 

w. The fcrubbieft cur in all the pack 
et the maftiff on your back, 
i, hismadnefs is ajeft, 
it were all. But he's poueft, 
nate with a thoiifand imps, 
'orkwhofe ends his madnefs pimps; 
o'er each fixing and wire prefide, 
?*ry pipe, each motion guide ; 
ling ev'ry vice we find 
ipture to the devil allign'd ; 
from the dark infernal region, 
b they lodge, -and make him legion. 

his is the ufual excufe of Traului, when be abufcsyou 
rs without provocation. 

Of 



176 TRAULUS, 

Of brethren he's a falfe accufer ; 
A fland'rer, traitor, and feducer; 
A fawning, bafe, trepanning liar ; 
The marks peculiar of his fire. 
Or, grant him but a drone at bed ; 
A drone can raife a hornet's neft. 
The dean hath felt their flings before ; 
And muft their malice ne'er give o'er ? 
Still fwarm and buzz about /his nofe? 
But Ireland's friends ne'er wanted foes. 
A patriot is a dang'rous poft, 
When wanted by his country mod; . 
Perverfely comes in evil times, 
Where virtues afe imputed crimes. 
His guilt is- clear, the proofs are pregnant; 
A traitor to the vices regnant. 

What fpirit, fince the world began, 
Could always bear tofirrve with man? 
Which God pronounc'd, he never wou'd, 
And foon convinc'd them by a flood. 
Yet ft ill the dean on freedom raves ; 
His lpirit always ftrives with flaves. 
'Tis time. at laft to fpare his ink, 
And let them rot, or hang, or fink. 



TRAULUS. 



i 177 ] 
R A u t u s: 

The Second PART. 
Written in the- Year 1730. 

RAUL ZfS, of amphibious breed, 

Motley fruit of mungril feed ; 
le dam from lordlings fprung, 
\zfire exhal'd from dung: 
k on every vice in both, 
: on him and fee their growth. 

iew him on the mother's fide, 

I with falfliood, fpleen, and pride ; 

ive and over-bearing, 

iging ftill, and ftill adhering ; 

ltful, peevifh, rude, untoward, 

e in tongue, in heart a coward ; 

ft his friends he mod is hard on, 

ring comes to beg their pardon ; 

itationever tearing, 

deareft friendfhip fvvearing ; 

ment weak and paflion flxong, 

ys various, always wrong : 

jcation never waits, 

re he love's, or where he hates ; 

jl. VII. N ■. Talks 



178 TRAULUS. 

Talks whate'er comes in his head; 
Wifhes ft were all unfaid. 

Let me now the vices trace, 
From the fathers fcoundrel race, 
"Who could give the looby fuch airs? 
Were they tnafons^ were they butchers? 
Herald, lend the Mufe an anfwer 
From his atavus and grandfire : 
This was dextrous at his trowel, 
That was bred to kill a cow well : 
Hence the greafy clumfy mien 
In his drefs and figure feen; 
Hence the mean and fordid foul, 
Like his body rank and foul ; 
Hence that wild fufpicious peep, 
Like a rogue that fteals a fheep ; 
Hence he learnt the butcher's guile, 
How to cut your throat and fmile ; 
Like a butcher doom'd for life 
In his mouth to wear his knife : 
Hence he draws his daily food 
From his tenants vital blood. 

Laftly, let his gifts be try'd 
BorrowM from the mafon's fide : 
Some perhaps may think him able 
In the ftate to build a Babel > 

* Co* 



BETTY THE GRIZETTE. 179 

>>uld we place him in a ftation 
To deftroy the old foundation. 
True indeed, I fliould be gladder, 
Ik>uld he learn to mount a ladder, 
Aay he at his latter end 
Aount alive, and dead defcend 1 

In him tell me which prevail, 
7 emale vices moft, or male ? 
iVhat produc'd him, can you tell ? 
iuman race, or imps of hell? 

To BETTYS Grizette. 
Written in the Year 1730. 

""AUEEN of wit and beauty, Betty / 

^3 Never may the Mufe forget ye t 

Cow thy face charms ev'ry fhepherd, 

potted over like a leopard; 

^nd, thy freckled neck difplay'd, 

■ nvy breeds in ev'ry maid, 

-ike a fly- blown' cake of tallow, , 

*r on parchment ink turn'd yellow, 

*r a tawny fpeckled pippin 

hrivel'd with a winter's keeping. 

N 2 And, 



l8o BETTY THE GRIZETTE. 

And, thy beauty thus difpatch'd, 
Let me praife thy wit unmatched* 

Sets of phrafes, cut and dry, 
Evermore thy tongue fupply. 
And thy memory is loaded 
With old fcraps from plays exploded : 
Stockt with repartees and jokes, 
Suited to all Chriftian folks : 
Shreds of wit, and fenfelefs rhymes, 
Blunder'd out a thoufand times. 
Nor wilt thou of gifts be fparing, 
Which can ne'er be worfe for wearing, 
Picking wit among collegians, 
In the play-houfe upper regions ; 
Where, in eighteen-penny gallery, 
Irijb nymphs learn Jrijh raillery : 
But thy merit is thy failing, 
And thy raillery is railing. 

Thus with talents well endu'd 
To be fcurrilous and rude ; 
When you pertly raife your fnout, 
Fleer, and gibe, and laugh, and flout; 
This among Hibernian afles 
For flieer wit and humour pafles. 
Thus indulgent Chloe bit 
Swears you have a world of wit. 

DEATH 



[ ,8, ] 

DEATH and DAPHNE. 

? an agreeable young Lady p , but extremely 
lean. 

Written in the Year 1730. 

~*\E ATH went upon a folemn day 

J At Pluto s hall his court to pay : 

he phantom, having humbly kift 

is grifly monarch's footy fift, 

efented him the weekly bills 

f doctors, fevers, plagues, and pills. 

luto y obferying fince the peace 

he burial article decreafe, 

nd'vext to fee affairs milcarry, 

eclar'd in council, death muft marry : . 

aw'd he no longer could fupport 

Id batchelors about his court .* 

he intereft of his realm had need 

hat death fhould get a numerous breed ; 

aung deathlings % who, by practice made 

oficient in their father's trade, 

r ith colonies might flock around 

is large dominions under ground. 

A confult of coquets below 
r as called to rig him out a beau : 

N 3" From 



182 DEATH AND DAPHNE. 

From her own head Megtzra takes 
A periwig of twifted fnakes ; 
Which in the niceft fafhion curl'd 
(Like * toupets of this upper world), 
With flour of fulphur powder'd well, 
That graceful on his (houlders fell, 
An adder of the fable kind 
In line diredfc hung down behind. 
The owl, the raven, and the bat, 
Club'd for a feather to his hat ; 
His coat, an us'rer's velvet pall, 
Bequeath'd to P/uto, corpfe and all. 
But, loth his perfon to expofe 
Bare, like a carcafe pickt by crows, 
A lawyer o'er his hands and face 
Stuck artfully a parchment cafe. 
No new-fluxt rake fhew'd fairer ikinj 
Nor Pljyllh after lying in. 
With fnuff was fill'd his ebon bo$ 
Of ihin-bones rotted by the pox. 
Nine fpirits of blafpheming fops 
With aconite anoint his chops ; 
And give him words of dreadful founds, 
G— d d- n his blood, and b— d and w--<l 

* The periwigs ntnf in faihion are fo called. 



DEATH AND DAPHNE. 183 

Thus furnifli'd out, he fent his train 
'o take a houfe in Warwick-lane : 
'he faculty >, his humble friends, 
. complimental meflage fends : 
'heir prefident in fcarlet gown 
[arangu'd, and vvelcom'd him to town. 

But death had bus'nefs to difpatch ; 
[is mind was running on his match. 
nd, hearing much of Daphnes fame, 
'is majefly of terrors came, 
ine as a col'nel of the guards, 
o vilit where {lie fat at cards : 
le, as he came into the room, 
'nought him Adonis in his bloom, 
nd now her heart with pleafure jumps j 
le fcarce remembers what is trumps j 
or fuch a ihape of {kin and bone 
fas never feen except her own : 
harm'd with his eyes and chin and fnout, 
er pocket-glafs drew {lily out ; 
nd grew enamourd with her phiz, 
s juft the counterpart of his. 
ie darted many a private glance, 
nd freely made the firft advance, 
r as of her beauty grown fo vain, 
ie doubted not to win the foam, 

$i 4 Nothing 



184 DEATH AND DAPHNE. 

Nothing (he thought could fooner gain him, 
Than with her wit to entertain him; 
She afk'd about her friends below ; 
This meagre fop, that batter'd beau ; 
Whether fome late departed toafts 
Had got gallants among the ghofts ? 
If Chloe were a (harper ftill, 
As great as ever at quadrille 
(The ladies there muft needs be rooks, 
For cards, we know, are Pluto's books)? 
If Florimel had found her love, 
For whom fhe hang'd herfelf above ? 
How oft a week was kept a ball 
By Proferpine at Pluto s hall ? 
She fancied thofe Elyfian fhades 
The fweeteft place for mafquerades : 
How pleafant on the banks of Styx, 
To troll it in a coach and fix ! 

What pride a female heart inflames ! 
How endlefs are ambition's aims 1 
Ceafe, haughty nymph ; the fates decree 
Death muft not be a fpoufe for thee : 
For when by chance the meagre (hade 
Upon thy hand his finger laid, 
Thy hand as dry and cold as lead, 
His matrimonial fpirit fled ; 



ON STEPHEN DUCK. 185 

: felt about his heart a damp, 
iat quite extinguifh'd Guptas lamp : 
yay the frighted fpectre feuds, 
id leaves my lady in the fuds. 

STEPHEN DUCK, 

the 'threfher and favourite 'Poet, 

^U I B B L IN G EPIGRAM. 

Written in the Year 1730. 

p*HE threflier Duck cou d o'er the 
L queen prevail, 

le proverb fays, no fence againfl a flail. 
)m tbrejhing corn he turns to threfh his 

brains ; 
r which her majefly allows him grains. 
lough 'tis confeft, that thofe who ever faw 
s poems, think them all not worth a, 

ftraw I 
Thrice happy Duck, employ'din threfli- 

mgflubble ! 
lytoil isleflen'd, and thy profits double. 



He 



[ i86 ] 
A PANEGYRIC K 

O N 

THE QEAN, 

in the Perfonof a Lady in the North*. 

"Written in the Year 1730. 

RESOLV'D my gratitude to fhow, 
Thrice rev'rend dean, for all I owe, 
Too long I have my thanks delay'd ; 
Your favours left too long unpaid $ 
But now in all bur fex's name 
My artlefs Mufe {hall ring your fame. 

Indulgent you to female kind, 
To all their weaker fides are blind ; 
Nine more fuch champions as the dean 
Would foon reftore our ancient reign. 
How well, to win the ladies hearts, 
You celebrate their wit and parts ! 
How have I felt my fpirits rais'd, 
By you Co oft, fo highly prais'd! 

* The lady of Sir Arthur Acbefin. 

Trans- 



APANEGYRICK. 187 

rransform'd by your convincing tppgue 
To witty, beautiful, and young, 
[ hope to quit that aukward fhame 
AJfe&ed by each vulgar dame, 
To modefty a weak pretence ; 
A.nd foon grow pert on menoffenfe; 
To (hew my face with fcornful air ; 
Let others match it, if they dare. 

Impatient to be out of debt, 
D, may I never once forget 
The bard, who humbly deigns to chufe 
Me for the fubje<ft of his Mufe. 
Behind my back, before my nofe, 
He founds my praife in verfe and profe. 

My heart with emulation burns 
To make you fuitable returns : 
tfy gratitude the world fhall know : 
Liid fee, the printer's boy below ; 
o hawkers all, your voices lift ; 

-A panegyrick on dean Swift /" 
rid then, to mend the matter ftill, 

By lady Anne of Market-bill" 

I thus begin : my grateful Mufe 
flutes the dean in different views j 

Dean, 



i88 APANEGYRICK. 

Dean, butler, ufher, jefter, tutor j 
* Robert and Darby s coadjutor : 
And as you in commiffion fit, 
To rule the dairy next to + Kit. 

In each capacity I mean 
To fing your praife. And firft as dean : 
Envy muft own, you understand your 
Precedence, and fupport your grandeur : 
Nor of your rank will bate an ace, 
Except to give dean- Daniel place. 
In you fuch dignity appears ; 
So fuited to your (rate and years ! 
-With ladies what a ftricT: decorum 1 
With what devotion you adore 'em 1 
Treat me with fo much complaifance, 
As fits a princefs in romance ! 
By your example and afliflance, 
The fellows learn to know their di fiance. 
Sir Arthur^ fince you fet the pattern, 
No longer calls m&fnipe and Jlattern ; 
Nor dares he, though he were a duke, 
Offend me with the leaft rebuke. 

Proceed we to your % preaching next j 
How nice you fplit the hardeft text 1 

* The names of two over- % The author preached -buCS- 
feers. once while he was there, 

t My lady's footman. 

How 



APANEGYRIOK. 189 

How your fuperior learning (hines 
Above our neighboring dull divines! 
At Beggars Opera not fb full pit 
Is feen, as when you mount, our pulpit. 

Confider now your converfation: 
Regardful of your age and ftation, 
You ne'er was known, by paflion ftir'd, 
To give the leaft ofTenfive word : 
But ftill, whene'er you filence break, 
Watch ev'ry fyllable you (peak : 
Your ftile fo clear, and fo concife, 
We never afk to hear you twice. 
But then, a parfon fo genteel, 
So nicely clad from head to heel ; 
So fine a gown, a band fo clean, 
As well become St. Patrick's dean, 
Such reverential awe exprefs, 
That cow-boys know you by your drefs! 
Then, if ourneigb'ring friends come here, 
How proud are we when you appear, 
With fuch addrefs and graceful port, 
As clearly (hews you bred at court ! 

Now raife your fprits, Mr. Dean, 
I lead you to a nobler fcene ; 

When 



i 9 o APANfidYRlCK, 
When to the Vault you walk in ftate, 
In quality of* butler s mate ; 
You next to -f Dennis bear the fways 
To you we often truft the key : 
Nor can he judge with all his art 
So well, what bottle holds a quart : 
What pints may beft for bottles pafs, 
Juft to give every man his glafs : 
When proper to produce the beft } 
And what may ferve a common gueft- 
With Dennis you did ne'er combine, 
Not you, to fteal your matter's wine ; 
Except a bottle now and then, 
To welcome brother ferving men ; 
But that is with a good defign, 
To drink Sir Arthurs health and mine ; 
Your matter's honour to maintain ; 
And get the like returns again. 

Your % uflier'spoft mutt next be handled : 
How blefs'd am I by fuch a man led ! 
Under whofe wife and careful guardfliip 
I now defpife fatigue and hard (hip : 
Familiar grown to dirt and wet, 
Though daggled round, I fcorn to fret : 

* Hefometimes ufed tddi- % He Ibrnetime* ufcd *• 
tefl the butler. walk with the lady, 

t The butler. 



A PANEGYRICS. ! 9 i 

31 you my chamber-damfels learn 
broken hofe to patch and darn. 

Tow as a jefter I accoft you ; 
ch never yet one friend has loft you. 
judge fo nicely to a hair, 
r far to go, and when to (pare* 
ong experience grown fo wife, 
very tafte to know the fize* 
re's none fo ignorant or weak 
o take offence at what you (peak. 
:ne'er you joke, 'tis all a cafe 
;ther with Dermot, or bis grace ; 
It Teague 0' Murphey y or an earl, 
utchefs or a kitchen girl. 
h fuch dexterity you fit 
ir feveral talents with your wit, 
t Moll the chamber-maid can fmoke, 
Gaghagan % take ev'ry joke. 

now become your humble fuitor 
et me praife you as my § tutor. 
* I, a favage bred and born, 
, r ou inftrudted ev'ry morn, 

"he neighbouring la- Hill. See the poem. 

rcre no great under- J In bad weather the au- 

rs of raillery. thor ufed to direft my lady in, 

he clown that cut down her reading. 

Id thorn at Marktt~ 

Already 



xgz APANEGYRICK. 
Already have have improv'd fo well, 
That I have alraoft learnt to fpell : 
The neighbours, who come here to dine, 
Admire to hear me fpeak (ofine. 
How envioufly the ladies look, 
When they furprife me at my book ! 
And fure as they're alive at night 
As foon. as gone will fhow their fpight : 
Good lord ! what can my lady mean, 

. Converting with that rufty dean ! 

• She's grown fo nice, and fo *penurious % 
With Socrates and Epicurius. - 
How could (he fit the live-long day,. 
Yet never afk us once to play ? 

But I admire your patience moft ; 
: That when I'm duller than a poft, 
Nor can the plaineft word pronounce, 
You neither fume, nor fret, nor flounce ; 
Are fo indulgent, and lb mild, 
As if I were a darling child. 
So gentle is your whole proceeding, 
That I could fpend my life in reading. 

You merit new employments daily : 
Our thatcher, ditcher, gard'ner, baily. 

* Ignorant ladies often miftake the word penurious formtt 
and dainty. 

,3 And 



APANEGYRICK. ! 5 j: 

id to a genius lb extenfive 
> work is grievous or offenfive ; 
bether your fruitful fancy lies 
' make for pigs convenient ftyes ; 
ponder long with anxious thought 
banifh rats that haunt our vault : 
r have you grumbled, rev'rend dean, 
keep our poultry fweet and clean ; 
fweepthemanfion-houfe tbey dwell in; 
d cure the rank unfav'ry fmelling. 

Now enter as the dairy hand- maid : 

:h charming * butter never man made. 

t others with fanatic face 

Ik of their milk for babes of grace ; 

>m tubs their muffling nonfenfe utter v 

y milk (hall make us tubs of butter. 

e bifhop with his foot may burn it +, 

: with his hand the dean can churn it. 

w are the fervants overjoy 'd- 

fee thy deanfhip thus emplpy'd ! 

Away of making butter his foot in it, the devil haying , 

ftakfaft, by filling abot- been called . bifhop of hell ; 

ith. cream and fluking it fee a fatireon the lrijb bifhops 

lie butter comes. near, the end of this volume, 

It is a common faying, faid to have been fir ft printed 

1 the milk burns to, that in JFog's Jaurnal. 
levil or the bifhop has fet 

Vol. VII. O Inftead 



104 A PANEGYRICS 

Inftead of poring on a book, 
Providing butter for the cook ! 
Three morning-hours you tofs and fhakc 
The bottle till your fingers ake : 
Hard is the toil, nor fmall the art, 
The butter from the whey to part j 
Behold a frothy fubftance rife ; 
Be cautious, or your bottle flies. 
The butter comes, our fears are ceas'dj 
And out you fqueeze an ounce at leaft. 

Your rev'rence thus, with like fuccefs 
(Nor is your fkill or labour lefs), 
When bent upon fome fmart lampoon, 
Will tofs and turn your brain till noon j 
Which, in its jumblings round the fkull, • 
Dilates and makes the veflel full : 
While nothing comes but froth at flrft, 
You think your giddy head will burft : 
But fqueezing out four lines in rhime, 
Are largely paid for all your time. 

But you have rais'd your generous mind 
To works of more exalted kind. 
Palladio was not half fo fkill'd in 
The grandeur or the art of building. 
Two temples of magnific fize 
Attract the curious traveler's eyes, 

6 The 



APAtfEGYRICK. 195 

"hat might be envy'd by the Greeks 5 
ais'd up by you in twenty weeks : 
[ere gentle goddefs Cloacine 
eceives all offerings at her fhrjne. 
t fep'rate cells the he's and (he's 
[ere pay their vows with bended knees : 
or 'tis profane when fexes mingle, 
nd ev'ry nymph muft enter fingle, 
nd when fhe feels an inward motion, 
ome fill'd with reverence and devotion, 
he bafhful maid, to hide our Mum, 
lall creep no more behind a bum ; 
!ere unobferv'd fhe boldly goes, 
is who mould fay, to pluck a rofe. 

Ye, .who frequent this hallow'd fcene, 
i not ungrateful to the dean ; 
Jt duly, ere you leave your ftation, 
ffer to him a pure libation 
r of his own, or * Smedleys lay, 
r billet-doux, or lock of hay : 
nd, O ! may all who hither come, 
eturn with unpolluted thumb. 

Yet, when your lofty domes I praife, 
Ggh to think of ancient days. 

* S«e thechara&erhereafw. 

O 2 Permit 



196 A PANEGYRICK. 

Permit me then to raife my ftyle, 
And fweetly moralize a while. 

Thee, bounteous goddefs Cbacine, 
To temples why do we confine ? 
Forbid in open air to breath ; 
Why are thine altars fixt beneath ? 

When Saturn rul'd the fides alone 
(That golden age to gold unknown), 
This earthly globe to thee affign'd 
Receiv'd the gifts of all mankind. 
Ten thoufand alters Jmoakmg round 
Were built to thee with off'rings croWd: 
And here thy daily vot'ries plac'd 
Their facrifice with zeal and hafte : 
The margin of a purling ftream 
Sent up to thee a grateful fteam 
(Though fometimes thou wert pleas'd t£ 

wink, 
If Naiads fwept them from the brink). 
Or where appointing lovers rove, 
The flicker of a friady grove ; 
Or offer'd in feme flow'ry vale, 
Were wafted by a gentle gale. 
There many a flow'r abfterfive grew, 
Thy fav'rite flowers of yellow hue ; 



A PANEGYRICK. 197 

ie crocus and the daffodil, 

le cowflip fofr, and fweet jonquil. 

But when at laft ufurping Jove 
d Saturn from his empire drove ; . 
len gluttony with greafy paws 
t napkin pinn'd up to her jaws, 
th watry chaps, and wagging chin, 
ic'd like a drum her oily fkin ; 
;dg'd in a fpacious elbow-chair, 
d on her plate a treble mare, 
if (he ne'er could have enough, 
tught harmlefs man to cram and ftuff. 
s fent her prieft in wooden (hoes 
om haughty Gaul to make ragoos ; 
ftead of wholfome bread and cheefe, 
) drefs their foops and fricaflees ; 
id, for our home-bred Br/ttjb cheer, 
targo, catfup, and caveer. 
This bloated harpy fprung from hell 
rifin'd thee, goddefs, to a cell : 
rung from her womb that impious line, 
ntemners of thy rites divine, 
■ft, lolling Jloth in woollen cap 
king her after-dinner nap : 
le dropjy with a fallow face, 
;r belly burtt, and flqw her pace : 

O 3 And 



i 9 8 A PANEGYRICK. 

And lordly gout, wrapt up in furr : 
And wheezing ajlhma> loth to ftir. 
Voluptuous eafe y the child of wealthy 
Jnfe&ing thus our hearts by Health ; 
None fcek thee now in open air, 
To thee no verdant altars rear ; 
But in their cells and vaults obfcene 
Prefent a facrifice unclean ; 
From whence unfav'ry vapours rofe, 
Offeniive to thy nicer nofe. 
Ah 1 who, in our degenerate days, 
As nature prompts his offering pays ? 
Here nature never difference made 
Between the fceptre and the fpade. 

Ye great ones, why will ye difdain 
To pay your tribute on the plain ? 
Why will you place in lazy pride 
Your altars near your couches fide ? 
* When from the homelieft earthen waJ 
Are fent up offerings more fincere, 
Than where the haughty dutchefs locks 
Her filver vafe in cedar- box. 

Yet fome devotion ftill remains 
Among our harmlefs northern fwains f 9 

* Vide Vtrgil and Lucretius. f The north of Irda 

Whoi 



A PANEGYRICK. 199 

VhoCc offerings, plac'd in golden ranks, 
idora our cryftal river's banks ; 
Tor feldom grace the flowery downs, 
/ith fpiral tops and copple-crownsj 
»r gilding in a funny morn 
'he humble branches of a thorn. 
>, poets fing, with % golden bough 
he Trojan hero paid his vow. 

Hither, by lucklefs error led, 
'he crude confiftence oft I tread ; 
iere when my (hoes are out of cafe, 
nweeting gild the tarnifh'd lace ; 
[ere by the facred bramble ting'd, 
[y petticoat is doubly fring*d. 

Be witnefs for me, nymph divine, 
never robb'd thee with defign : 
for will the zealous Hannah * pout 
o wafli thy injur'd offering out. 

But flop, ambitious Mufe, in time, 
^r dwell on fubje&s too fublime. 

vain on lofty heels I tread, 
iTpiring to exalt my head ; 
ith hoop expanded wide and light, 

vain I 'tempt too high a flight. 

$ Yirg. lib. 6. * My lady's woman. 

O 4 Mc 



too A PANEGYRICK. 

Me* Phoebus in a f midnight dream 
Accoiting laid, % Go pah your cream. 
Be humbly minded, know your poft ; 
Sweeten your tea, and watch your toalt. 
Thee heft befits a lowly ftyle : 
Teach Dennis how to ftir the %guih: 
With |] Peggy Dixon thoughtful fit, 
Contriving for the pot and fpit. 
Take down thy proudly fwelling fails, 
And rub thy teeth, and pare thy nails: 
At nicely carving (hew thy wit ; 
But ne'er prefume to eat a bit : 
Turn evVy way thy watchful eye j 
And ev'ry gucft be fure to ply : 
Let never at your board be known 
An empty plate except your own. 
}+ Be thefe thy arts ; nor higher aim 
Than what befits a rural dame. 

But Cloacina> goddefs bright, 

Sleek claims her as his right: 

Andf Smed/ey, flower of all divines, 
Shall fing the dean in Smedleys lines. 



* 



* Cynthhiiauremvcr.it. Hor. keeper. 

t Curt: femnia vera. Idem. %f H<ct>hi truntarUtXtil 

X 'n the bottle to make *| A very flupid, infolen' 

buttfr ; factious, deformed, cpneeite 

§ Guile, the quantity of ale parfon, a vile pretender to poe 

or beer brewed at one time. try, preferred by the dukeC 

It Airs. Dixcn, the bcufc- Gwftm for his wit. 

7'h 



[ 201 ] 

'The Place -of the Damn'd.. 

Written in the Year 1731. 

LL folks, who pretend to religion 
*- and grace, 
yw there's a Hell, but diipute of the 

place: 
if Hell may by logical rules be defined 
e place of the damrid I'll tell you 

my mind. 
iVherever the damn'd do chiefly abound,' 
ft certainly there is Hell to be found r 
im'd foets, damn'd criticks, damn'd 

blockheads, damn'd knaves, 
VQtoA Jatators brib'd, damn'd proftitute 

Jlaves ; 
mn'd lawyers and judges, damn'd lords 

and d&mrCdf quires ; 
mridfpies and informers, damn' 'd friends 

and damn'd lyars ; 
mn'd villains, corrupted in every Jlation ; 
mn'd time-ferving priejls all over the 

nation. 
id into the bargain I'll readily give you 
mn'd ignorant prelates,, and coun/ellorf 

privy. 

Theru 



202 A NYMPH GOING TO BED. 
Then let us no longer hyparjbns be flamm'd* 
For we know by thefe marks the place of 

the damn'd : 
And Hell to be fure is at Paris or Rome. 
How happy for us> that it is not at borne! 

A beautiful young Nymph going to 
Bed* 

Written for the Honour of the Fair Sex, in 173 1, 

f^ORINNA pride of Drury-lane, 
^ For whom no fhepherd fighs in vain, 
Never did Covent- garden boaft 
So bright a batter'd ftroling toaft 1 
No drunken rake to pick her up, 
No cellar, where on tick to fup 5 
Returning at the midnight hour, 
Four ftories climbing to her bower ; 
Then feated on a three leg'4 chair. 
Takes off her artificial hair. 
Now, picking out a cryftal eye, 
She wipes it clean, and lays it by, 

* This poem, for which the young from the rift ° 

feme have thought no apology health and life by picking «*£ 

could be offered, deferves on a proftitute, than the fine*, 

vthecontrary great commenda- declamation on the fprdWnP* 

tion, as itmuch more forcibly of the appetite. 



retrains the thoughtlefs and 



He: 



A NYMPH GOING TO BED, 203 
Her eye-brows from a moufe's hide 
Stuck on with, art on either fide, 
Pulls off with care, and firft difplays 'em, 
Then in a play-book fmoothly lays 'em. 
Now dext'roufly her plumpers draws, 
That ferve to fill her hollow jaws. 
Untwifts a wire, and from her gums 
A let of teeth completely comes. 
Fulls out the rags contriv'd to prop 
Her flabby dugs, and down they drop. 
Proceeding on, the lovely goddefs 
Unlaces next her fteel-rib'd bodice, 
Which, by the operator's fkill, 
Prefs down the lumps, the hollows fill. 
Up goes her hand, and off fhe flips 
The bolfters that fupply her hips. 
With gentleft touch (he next explores 
Her fhancres, iffues, running fores j 
Effects of many a fad difafter, 
And then to each applies a plafter : 
But muft, before fhe goes to bed, 
Rub off the daubs of white and red, 
And fmooth the furrows in her front 
With greafy paper ftuck upon't. 
She takes a bolus ere fhe fleeps ; 
And then between two blankets creeps. 

With 



204 A NYMPH GOING TO BED. 
With pains of love tormented Jics ; 
Or if (he chance to clofe her eyes, 
Of Bridewell and the Compter dreams, 
And feels the lsfh, and faintly fcreamsj 
Or, by a f&ithlefs bully drawn, 
At (bme hedge-tavern iies in p awn ; 
Or, to Jamaica feems tranfported 
* Alone, and by no planter courted ; 
Or, near Fleet- ditcJjs oozy brinks. 
Surrounded with a hundred ftinks, 
Bc-latcd, feems on watch to lie, 
And fnap fome cully pafling by ; 
Or, {truck with fear, her fancy runs 
On watchmen, ccnftables, and duns, 
From whom fhe meets with frequent rubs* 
But never from religious clubs ; 
Wholir favour flie is fure to find, 
Bccaufc ilic pays them all in kind. 

% Conmra wakes. A dreadful fiaht ! 
Behold the ruins of the night 1 
A wicked rat her plafter ftole, 
Half eat, and draesfd it to his hole* 
The cryfial eye, alas ! was mifsM ; 
And pufs had on her plumpers p — fs*c 

** Et Lr.gcviincomhatavtitUtr 




STREPtf ON AND CHLOE. 205 
rigeon pick'd her iffue peas : 
d Shock her Jrefles fill'd with fleas. 

The nymph, though in this mangled 

plight, 
ft ev'ry morn her limbs unite, 
how (hall I defcribe her arts 
recollect the fcatter'd parts ? 
{hew the anguifh, toil, and pain, 
gath'ring up herfelf again ? 
2 bafliful mufe will never bear 
Tuch a fcene to interfere. 
mna in the morning dizen'd, 
10 fees will fpew j" who fmells be poifbn'd. 

TREPHON and CHLOE. 



) 



Written in the Year 1731. 

F Chloe all the town has rung, 
By evTy iize of poets fung : 



This poem has among 
•s been cen fared for indc- 
y, but with no better rea- 
han a medicine would be 
ted for its ill tafte. By 
ding to the marriage of 
hon and Cbloe^ the reader 
rcdarily led to confider the 
t of that grofs familiarity 
hich it is to be feared 
f married pcrfons think 



they have a right to indulge 
themfelves : he who is dif- 
gufted at the pifture feels the 
force of the precept, not to 
difguft another by his prac- 
tice; and let it never be for- 
gotten, that nothing quench- 
es defue like indelicacy, and 
that when defirehas been thus 
quenched, kindnefs will ine- 
vitably grow cold. 

So 



2o6 STREPHON AND CHLOE. 
So beautiful a nymph appears 
But once in twenty thoufand years ; 
By nature form'd with nieeft care, 
And faultlefs to a fingle hair. 
Her graceful mien, her (hape, and face, 
Confefs'd her of no mortal race : 
And then fo nice, and fo genteel ; 
Such cleanlinefs from head to heel : 
No humours grofs, or frowzy fleams, 
No noifbme whiffs, or fweaty ftreamsj 
Before, behind, above, below, 
Could from her taintlefs body flow i 
Would fo difcreetly things difpofe, 
None ever faw her pluck a rofe. 
Her deareft comrades never caught her. 
Squat on her hams to make maids water 
You'd fwear that fo divine a creature 
Felt no neceflities of nature. 
In fummer, had fhe walk'd the town, 
Her arm -pits would not ftain her gown ^ 
At country-dances not a nofe 
Could in the dog-days fmell her toes. 
Her milk-white hand, both palms and backs^ 
Like iv'ry dry, and foft as wax. 
Her hands, the fofteft ever felt, 
* Though cold would burn, though dry*" 
would melt. 

* Though deep, yet clear, ttc. Djckham. 

Dear 



!i 






STREPHON AND CHLOE. 207 
jar FenuSy hide this wond'rous maid, 
et her loofe to fpoil your trade, 
e fhe engroffes ey'ry fwain, 
but o'er half the world can reign. 
k what a cafe all men are now in, 

ogling, fighing, toafting, vowing ! 
: powder'd wigs ! what flames and 
darts ! 

hampers full of bleeding hearts ! 

fword- knots 1 what poetic drains! 

billet-doux, and clouded canes I 

t Strephon figh'd fo loud and ftrong, 
ew a fettlement along : 
Dravely drove his rivals down 
coach and fix, and houfe in town, 
aftiful nymph no more withftands, 
fe her dear papa commands, 
harming couple now unites : 
id we to the marriage- rites. 

primis, at the temple- porch 
Hymen with a flaming torch : 
miling Cyprian goddefs brings 
ifant loves with purple wings ; 
>igeons billing, fparrows treading, 
mblems of a fruitful wedding. 

The 



*c8 STREPHON AND CHLOE. 
The mufes next ip order follow, 
Condu&ed by their fquire, Apollo : 
Then Mercury, with filver tongue, 
And Hebe, goddefs ever young. 
Behold the bridegroom and his bride 
Walk hand in hand, and fide by fide; 
She by the tender Graces dreft, 
But he by Mars, in fcarlet veft. 
The nymph was .cover'd with her * flam- 

meum t 
And Phoebus fung th '-f- ep'ithalamium* 
And laft, to make the matter fure, 
Dame Juno brought a prieft demure. 
% Luna was abfent, on pretence 
Her time was not till nine months hence. 

The rites perform'd, the parlbn paid, 
In ftate return'd the grand parade ; 
With loud huzza's from all the boys, 
That now the pair muft crown their joys. 

But ftill the hardeft part remains. 
Strephon had long perplex'd his brains, 
•How with fo high a nymph he might 
Demean himfelf the wedding-night : 

* A veil which the Reman t A maniage fong. 

brides cover'd themfelves % Diana, goddefs of mid- 

with when they were going wives, 
tu be married. 

For^ 



STREPHON AND CHLOE. 209 

?or as he view'd his perfon round, 
Mere mortal flefh was all he found : 
rlts hand, his neck, his mouth, and feet 
Were duly wafh'd to keep them fweet 
With other parts that fhall be namelefs, 
The ladies elfe might think mefhamelefs). 
The weather and his love were hot ; 
\nd mould he ftruggle I know what — 
Why let it go, if I mull tell it — ' 
rle'll Iweat, and then the nymph may 

fmell it. 
While me, a goddefs dy'd in grain, 
Was unfufceptible of ftain ; 
Ind, Penus-like, her fragrant fkin 
£xhal'd ambrofia from within. 
2an fuch a deity endure 
L mortal human touch impure ? 
low did the humbled fwain deteft 
lis prickly beard, and hairy breait I 
lis night- cap border'd round with lace 
"ould give no foftnefs to his face. 

Yet if the goddefs could be kind, 
r hsit endlefs raptures muft he find ! 
**d goddeffes have now and th?n 
^me down to vifit mortal men : 

Vol. VII. P To 



*i*o STREPHON AND CHLOfe. 

To vifit and to court them too : 
A certain goddefs, God knows who 
(As in a book he heard it read), 
Took cornel Peleus to her bed. 
But what if he fhould lofe his life 
By venturing on his heavenly wife ? 
For Strefhon could remember well, 
That once he heard a fchool-boy tell, 
How Setnele of mortal race 
By thunder died in Jove's embrace: 
And what if daring Strephon dies 
By lightning mot from Chloes eyes ? 

While thefe reflexions filFd his head, 
The bride was put in form to bed : 
He follow'd, ftript, and in he crept, 
But awfully his diitance kept. 

Now ponder well, ye parents dear] 
Forbid your daughters guzzling beer; 
And make them every afternoon 
Forbear their tea, or drink it foori: 
That ere to bed they venture up, 
They may difcharge it ev'ry fup : 
If not, they muft in evil plight 
Be often forced to rife at night. 
Keep them to wholefome food confin d, 
Nor let them tafte what caufes wind 

i ('Tii 



STREPHON AND CHLQE *u 

{'Tis this* the fage of Samos means, 
Forbidding his difciples beans). 
O ! think what evils muft enfue ; 
Mifs Moll the jade will burn it bine ; . 
And when £he once has got the art, 
She cannot help it for her heart ; 
But out it Hies, ev'n when flie meets 
Her bridegroom in the wedding-meets, 
■f- Carminative and % diuretic 
Will damp all paffion fympathetic : 
And love fuch nicety requires, 
One blaft will put out all his fires. 
Since hufbands get behind the fcene, 
The wife mould ftudy to be clean ; 
Nor give the fmalleft room toguefs 
The time when wants of nature prefs ; 
But after marriage pra&ife more 
Decorum than me did before ; 
To keep her fpoufe deluded ftifl, 
And make him fancy what fhe will. 

In bed we left the married pair : 
'Tis time to (hew how things went there. 



* A well known precept of tain Come allegorical meanings 

Pythagoras, not to eat beans ; + Medicines to break wind. 

whicn has beenvarioufly inter- % Medicines to provoke 

jreted,and is fuppofedeccon- urine. 



P 2 Strepbon, 



212 STREPHON AND CHLOE. 

Strephon, who had been often told 
That .Fortune ftill affifts the bold, 
Refolv'd to make the firft attack ; 
But Chloe drove him fiercely back. 
How could a nymph fo chafte as Cbloe, 
With conftitution cold and fnowy, 
Permit a brutifh man to touch her ? 
Ev'n lambs by inftind fly the butcher, 
Refiftance on the wedding-night 
Is what our maidens claim by right : 
And Chloi 'tis by all agreed, 
Was maid in thought, and word, and deed. 
Yet fome aflign a different reafon ; 
That Strephqn chofe no proper feafon. 

Say, fair ones, muft I make a paufe, 1 
Or freely tell the fecret caufe ? 

Twelve cups of tea (with grief I lpeaf^ 
Had now conftrain'd the nymph to leaS*' 
This point muft needs be fettled firft ^ 
The bride muft either void or burft. 
Then fee the dire effed of peafe, 
Think what can give the colick eale. 
The nymph oppreft before, behind, 
As iliips are tofs'd by waves and wind^ * 
Steals out her hand, by nature led, 
And brings a vefiel into bed : ' 



STREPHON AND GHLOE. 213 

Fair utenfil, as fmooth and white 
As Cbloe.s {kin, almoft as bright. 

Strephon, who heard the fuming rill 
As from a mofly cliff diftil, 
Cry v d out, Ye Gods I what found is this ? 
Can Chloe^ heavenly Chloe, — ? 
But when he fmelt a noifome fleam, 
Which oft attends that luke-warm ftrearn 
(Salerno § both together joins 
As tov reign med'cines for the loins) ; 
And though contriv'd, we may fuppofe, 
To flip his ears, yet ftruck his nofe : 
He found her while the fcent increased 
As mortal as himfelf at leaft. 
But foon with like occafions preft, 
He boldly fent his hand in quefl 
[Xnfpir'd with courage from his bride) 
To reach the pot on t'other fide : 
And, as he fill'd the reeking vafe, 
Let fly a roufer in her face. 

The little Cupids hovering rounid 
A.s pictures prove),with garlands crown'd, 

*%p& Seb$l. Solent. Rules of health, written by the fcbool 
Afingere aim bumbis ret efifaluberrlma lumbis. 

P 3 « Abafh'd 



ci4 StREPHON AND CHLOE. 

Abafti'd at what they faw and heard, 
Flew off, nor ever more appeat'd. 

Adieu to ravifhing delights, 
, High raptures and romantic flights ; 
To goddefles fo heavenly ilweet, 
Expiring Ihepherds at their feet ; 
To (liver meads and mady bowers, 
Dreft up with amaranthine flowers. 

■ 

How great a change 1 how quickly 
made 1 
They learn to call a fpad« a fpade. 
They foon from all conftraint are freed ; 
Can fee each other do their need. 
On box of cedar lit6the wife, 
And makes it warm for dearefi life ; 
And, by the beaftly way of thinking, 
Find great fociety in (linking. 
Now Strephon daily entertains 
Kis Chloe in the homelieft drains j 
And Chloe, more experiene'd grown, 
Wgh int'reft pays him back his own, 
No maid at court is lefs afham'd, 
Hovve'er for felling bargains fam'd, 
Than (he, to name her parts behind, 
Or when a bed to let out wind. 

Fair 



STREPHON AND CHLOE 215 

Fair decency^ celeftial maid, 
Defcend from heaven to beauty's aid ; 
Though beauty may beget defire, 
Tis thou muft fan the lover's fire ; 
For beauty, like fupreme dominion, 
[s beft fupported by opinion : 
[f decency bring.no fupplies, 
Opinion falls, and beauty dies. 

To fee fome radiant nymph appear 
n all her glittering birth-day g^ar, 
fou think fome goddefs from the iky 
Defcended, ready cut and dry : 
3ut, ere you fell yourfelf to laughter, " 
^onfider well what may come atter ; 
•"or fine ideas vanifh faft, 
Vhile all the grofs and filthy laft. 

O Sirephon, e'er that fatal day 
iVhen Chloe ftole your heart away, 
lad you but through a cranny fpy'd 
)n houie of eafe your future bride, 
n all the poftures of her face, 
Which nature gives in fuch a cafe^ 1 
!)iftortions, groanings, {trainings, 

heavings, 
Twere better you had lickt her leavings, 

P 4. Than 



2i6 STREPHON AND CHLOE. 
Then from experience find too late 
Your goddefs growii a filthy mate. 
Your fancy then had always dwelt 
On what you faw, and what you fmelt ; 
Would ftill tlie fame ideas give ye, 
As when you fpy'd her on the privy. 
'And, Tpight of Chloe charms divine. 
Your heart had been as whole as mine. 

Authorities, both old and recent, 
Direct that women mufl be decent ; 
Arid from the fpoufe each blemifK hide 
More than from all the world behde*. 

Unjuftly all our nymphs complain 
Their empire holds fo fhort a reign : ' 
Is after marriage loft fo fodh, ."- 
It hardly holds the honey-moon : 
For if they keep not what they caught, 
It is entirely their own fault. • 
jfhey take poffeffion of the crown, 
And then throw all their weapons down t 
* 

* If virtue, as fome writers dierce to a law, as the nupri»j 

tretend, be that which pro- taws enjoin both parties to a- 

c uces happinefs, it muft be void oftence.decency will W 

} rapted, that to p a&ife dt- be duty, and the breach of it 

< ency is a moral obligation ; will incur fome degree of 

jnd if virtue confifts in obe- guilt. 

4 Though 



STREPHON AND GHLOE. « i 

Fhough by the politicians fcheme. 
Whoe'er arrives at pow'r fupreme, 
Thofe arts by which at firft they gain it 
They ftill muft praftife to maintain it. 

What various ways our females take 
To pafs for wits before a rake ! 
And in the fruitlefs fearch purfue 
All other methods but the true. 

Some try to learn polite behaviour • 
By reading books againft their Saviour : 
Some call it witty to reflect 
On ev-ry natural defect s 
Some fljew they never want explaining 
To comprehend a double meaning. 
But fure a tell-tale out of fchool 
Is of all wits the gteateft fool : 
Whpfe rank imagination fills 
Her heart, and from her lips diftils ; : 
You'd think ihe utter'd from behind, 
Or at her mouth was breaking wind. 

Why is a handfqme wife adord 
By every coxcomb but her lord } 
From yonder puppet- man inquire, 
Who wifely hides his wood and wire ; 



218 STREPHON AND CHLOE. 

Shews Shebas queen completely dreft, 
And Solomon in royal veft ; 
But view them litter'd on the floor, 
Or ftrung on pegs behind the door ; 
Punch is exa&ly of a piece 
With Lorrains duke, and prince of 7 
Greece*, 



I 



A prudent builder mould forecaft 
How long the fluff is like to laft ; 
And carefully obferve the ground 
To build on fome foundation found : 
What houfe,when its materials crumble, 
Muft not inevitably tumble ? 
What edifice can long endure 
Rais'd on a bafis uniecure ? 
Ram mortals, ere you take a wife, 
Contrive your pile to laft for life : 
Since beauty fcarce endures a day, * 
And youth fo fwiftly glides away ; 
Why will you make yourfelf a bubble* 
To build on fand with hay and ftubbte ? 

On fenfe and wit your paflion foun^» 
By decency cemented round ; 

* For the fame reafon many better knows her intereftt **^ 
an handfome wife is negledted coniiders love as her trade* 
for an homely miftrcfg, who . 

L^ 1 



APOLLOfe OR A PROBLEM. « 9 

Let prudence with good-nature drive 
To keep efteem and love alive. 
Then come old age whene'er it will, 
Your friendfhip mall continue ftill ; 
A.nd thus a mutual gentle fire 
Shall never but with life expire. 

APOLLO; 

o & 
A PROBLEM folved. 

Written in the Tear 173 1» 

jAPOLLO, God of light and wit, 
■** Could verfe inlpire, but feldom 

writ; 
jRefin'd all metals with his looks, 
f As well as chemifts by their books : 
As handfome as my lady's page ; 
Sweet five and twenty was his age. 
"is wig was made of funny rays, 
«e crown'd his youthful head with bays: 
^Vst all the court of heaven could mew 
So nice and fo complete a beau. 
^cd heir upon his firft appearance, 
▼^"ith twenty thoufand pounds a yearrents, 

E'er 



«o APOLLO; OR A PROBLEM. 

E'er drove, before he fold his land, 
So fine a coach along the Strand - 9 
The {pokes, we are by Ovid told, 
Were filver, and the axle gold 
(I own, 'twas but a coach and four, 
For Jupiter allows no more), 

Yet with his beauty, wealth and parts, 
Enough to win ten thoufand hearts, 
No vulgar deity above 
Was io unfortunate in love. 

Three weighty caufes were affign'd, 
That mov'd the nymphs to be unkind. 
Nine Mufes always waiting round him. 
He left them virgins as he found 'em, 
His ringing was another fault ; 
For he could reach to B in alt ; 
And by the fentiments of Pliny, 
Such fingers are like Nicolini*. 
At laft the point was fully clear'd 5 
In lhort, Apollo had no beard. 

* An Italian, * 



CASSINVS 



[ 221 ] 

ASSINUS AND PETER. 
A Tragical ELEGY. 
Written in the Year 173 1. 

f*WO college fophs of Cambridge 
>- growth, 

th fpecial wits, and lovers both, 
nferring as they us'd to meet 
1 love, and books, in rapture Tweet 
life, find me names to fit my metre, 
fjinus this, and t'other Peter) \ 
end Peter to Cajfmus goes, 
• chat a while and warm his nofe : 
t fuch a fight was never feen, 
ie lad lay fwallow'd up in fpleen. 
\ feem'd as juft crept out of bed ; 
ie greafy flocking round his head, 
ie other he fat down to darn 
ith threads of difTerent-colour'd yarnj 
s breeches torn expofing wide 
ragged fhirt and tawny hide, 
xch'd were his fhins, his legs were bare, 
it well embrown'd with dirt and hair* 
nig was o'er his moulders thrown ; 
rug ; for night-gown he had none. 

His 



22z CASSINUS AND PETER. 

His Jordan flood in manner fitting 
Between his legs to fpew and fpit in, 
His ancient pipe/n fable dy'd, 
And half unfmok'd lay by his fide. 

Him thus accoutred Peter found, 
With eyes in fmokeand weeping drown'd: 
The leavings of his laft night's pot 
On embers plac'd to drink it hot. 

Why, Cajjy y thou wilt doze thy pate: 
What makes thee lie a-bed fo late ? 
The finch, the linnet, and the thruflj, 
Their mattins chant in every bufh : 
And I have heard thee oft falute 
Aurora with thy early flute. 
Heaven fend thou haft not got the hyps' 
How! not a word come from thy 



Then gave him fome familiar thumps; 
A college joke to cure the dumps. 

The fwain at laft with grief oppreft 
Cry'd, Celia! thrice, andfigh'dthe 
reft. 

Dear Caffy^ though to afk I dread, 
Yet afk I muft. Is Catlia dead ? 

Ho* 



CAS9INUS AND PETER. m 3 

How happy I, were that the worft ? 
»ut I was fated to be curft. 

Come, tellus, has (he play 'd the whore? 

Oh, Peter, would it were no more J 

Why, plague confound her fahdy locks : 
Jay, has the fmall or greater pox 
Sunk down her nofe, or feam'd her fece? 
le eafy, 'tis a common cafe. 

Oh, Peter ! beauty's but a varnifh, 
fi/Jiich time and accidents will tarniih : 
kit delta has contrived to blaft 
Thofe beauties, that might ever laft. 
^or can imagination guefs, 
tf or eloquence divine exprefs, 
3ow that ungrateful charming maid 
Ay pureft paflion has betray M. 
Conceive the moft invenom'd dart 
To pierce an injur'd lover's heart. 

Why hang her ; though (he feem fo coy, 

[ know fhe loves the barber's boy. 

Friend Peter, this I could excufe ; 
?ox every nymph has leave to chufe ; 

Nor 



224 CASSINUS AND PETER* 

Nor have I reafon to complain, 
She loves a more deferving fwain. 
But oh ! how ill haft thou divin'd 
A crime, that mocks all human kind ; 
A deed unknown to female race, 
At which the fun mould hide his face ; 
Advice in vain you would apply — 
Then leave me to defpair and die. 
Ye kind Arcadians y on my urn 
Thefe elegies and fbnnets burn; 
And on the marble grave thefe rhimes, 
A monument to after- times : 
Here Cajjy lies, by Ceelia flainj 
And dying never told his pain." 



« 
cc 



Vain empty world, farewel. But hark, 
The loud Cerberian triple bark. 
And there — behold AleEio ftand, 
A whip of fcorpions in her hand. 
Lo, Charon from his leaky wherry 
Beck'ning to waft me o'er the ferry. 
I come, I come, — Medufa I fee, 
Her ferpents hifs direct at me. 
Begone; unhand me, helliOi fry: 
* Avaunt — ye cannot fay 'tis I. 

* Sec Macbeth. 



CASSINUS AND PETER. 



22$ 



)ear Cajfy x thou muft purge and bleeds 
ar thou wilt be mad indeed, 
now by friendfhip's facred laws, 
re conjure thee, tell the caufe 5 
Cabas horrid fad relate : 
friend would gladly (hare thy fate. 

b force it out, my heart muft rend j 
when conjur'd by fuch a friend — 
ik, Peter, how my foul is rackt J 
(e eyes, thefeeyes, beheld the fact* 
r bend thine ear, fince out it muft; 
when thou feeft me laid in duft, 
fecret thou malt ne'er impart, 
to the nymph that keeps thy heart 
v would her virgin foul bemoan 
ime to all her fex unknown !) 
whifper to the tattling reeds 
black eft of all female deeds ; 
blab it on the lonely rocks, 
re Echo fits, and liftening mocks ; 
let the Zephyrs' treacherous gale 
•ugh Cambridge waft the direful tale; 
:o the chattering feather 'd race 
>ver Catlids foul difgrace. 
f you fail, my fpeclre dread 
iding nightly round your bed : 
>l. VII. Q^ And 



126 JUDAS. 

And yet I dare confide in you : 
So take my fecret, and adieu. 

Nor wonder how I loft my wits : 
Oh ! Clia , Calia, Calia to— -*. 

J U DAS. 

Written !h the Year 1731. 

BY the juft vengeance of iricenied ikies 
Poor biftuyp Juda s late repenting dies, 
The^kawengag'd him withapal try bribe, 
Amounting hardly to a crown a tribe ; 
Which though his confeience fore'd him 

to reft ore 
(And parfons tell us, no man can do more), 
Y$t through defpair, of God and man 

accurft, 

Helofthisbifhoprick,and hang'd orburft. 
Thofe former ages differ'il much from this; 
Judas betray'd his mailer with a kifs : 
Butfome have kifs'd the gofpcl fifty times, 
Whofe perjury's the lean of all their 
crimes : 

* See the lady's dreffing-room. 

Some 



J'UDA S„ 227 

Some who can perjure through a two inch 

board, 
Yet keep their bujiopricks, and 'fcapethe 

cord. 
Like hemp, which, by a flcilful lpinfter 

drawn 
To flender threads, may fomctimes pa(s 

for kwn. 

As ancient 'Judas by trangrefjion felly 
And burfi a/under ere he went to hell ; 
80 could we fee a fett of new I/cariots 
Come headlong tumbling from their 

mitred chariots ; 
Each modern Judas perifh like the firft; 
Drop from the tree with all his bowels 

burft ; ■ 
Who could forbear, that viewed each 

guilty face, 
l^o cry ; Lo y Judas gone to his own place : 
His habitation let all men forfake> 
^4nd let his bijhoprick another take P 



• * 



Q_2 On 



E ««] 

On Mr. PULTENEY's being put out 
of the council. 

Written in the Year 1731. 

SIR Robert* ', weary M byWitlPu/teneys 
teazings, 
Who interrupted him in all his leafings, 
Refolv'd that Will and he mould meet no 

more : 
Full in his fact Bob {huts the council door; 
Nor lets him fit as juftice on the bench 
To punhli thieves, or lafh a fuburb wencti. 
Yet ftill St. Stephens chapel open lies 
For Will to enter — what mail I advife? 
E'en quit the House, for thou too long 

haft fat in't, 
Produce at laft thy dormant ducal patent; 
There, near thy ma ft er's throne in fhelter 

plac'd, 
Let Will unheard by thee his thundet 

wafte. 
Yet ftill I fear your work is done but half: 
Forwhile he keeps hispen,yourare not fafe^ 

Hear an old fable, and a dull one too 
It bears a moral, when apply 'd to you. 

• Sir Robert Jf r a^ole 1 then prime minifter. 

6 • Ahar- 



ON Mr. PULTENEY, a2$> 

A hare had long efeap'd purfuing hounds 
By often (hifting into diitant grounds ; ' 
Till finding all his artifices vain, 
To fave his life he leap'd into the main. 
But there, alas ! he could no fafety find, 
A pack of dog-fijh had him in the wind. 
He fcours away ; and to avoid the foe, 
Defcends for flielter to the {hades below, 
There Cerberus lay watching in his den 
(He had not feen a hare the lord knows 

when); 
Out bounc dthe maftiffofthe triple head; 
Away the hare with double fwiftnefs fled ; 
Hunted from earth, and fea, and hell, he 

flies 

(Fear lent him wings) for fafety to the fkies. 
How was the fearful animal diftreft 1 
Behold a foe more fierce than all the reft : 
Sirius t the fwifteft of the heavenly pack, 
Fail'd but an inch to feize him by the back. 
He fled to earth, but firft itcoft him dear ; 
He left his fcut behind, and half an ear. 

Thus was the hare purfu'd, though 
free from guilt j 
Thus,5^,lhalt thoubemaul'd, fly where 
thou Wilt ; 

Q 3 Then 



-ajo TO Mr. GAY. 

Then,honeft Robin, of thy corpfe beware; 
Thou art not half fo nimble as a hare : 
Too pond'rous is thy bulk to mount the 

&y; ' 
Not can you go to bell, before you die. 
So keen thy hunters, and thy /cent fp 

ftrong, 
The turns and doublings cannot fave thee 

long*. 

The author having been told by an intimate 
friendytbat the duke ofQjxeas0KTrybed 
employed Mr. Gay to infpeel the account 
and management of bis graces receivers 
andjiewards (which however proved af- 
terwards to be a mijlake), writ to Aff. 
Gay the fallowing poem, 

In the Year 1731, 

HO W could you, Gay, $fgracethe 
Mufes train, 
To ferve a taftelefs court twelve years fa 
vainf I 

* This -hunting ended in and Witt was/ no longer hJ* 

thepramotiotitx>thof# i'//and opponent, I but earl of Bid)- . 
Bob. bob was no longer fir ft f See the Libel on Dodo' 

muiifUr, bui earl of Orftrf, DeJany and Lord Carter*. 

• • '• ! ' " Faip 



TO Mh GAY. 231 

Fain would I think our female friend f 

fincere, 
Till Bpby the poet's foe, poffeft her ear. 
Did female virtue e'er fo high afcend, 
To lofe an inch of favour for a friend ? 
Say, had the court no better place to 
chufe 

For thee, than make a dry ^nurfe of thy 

Mufe? 
How cheaply had thy liberty been fol.d, 
To % 'fquire a royal girl of two years old > 
In leading-ftrings her infant fteps toguide, 
Pir with her go-cart amble fide by fide I 

♦ 

But princely Douglas § and his glorious 

dame 
Advanc'd thy fortune, and prefer v'd thy 

feme. 
Nor will your nobler gifts be mifapply'4, 
When o'eryour patron s treafur^ you pre* 

fide: 
The world fhall own his choice was wif§ 

and juft, 
For fons of /^Mw* never break theirtruft. 

iMn.Howwdybactcoun- this iubject, in Mr. Ptff 
tefi of Suff»tk. Work$, Vol. II. Let. a6. 

X See Mr. Gaft Letter on § The duke of $ucti\jbarr) f 

<3L+ ' Not. 



.J 



a- z T O Mr. GAY. 

Kot love of beauty lefs the heart inflames 
Of guardian eunuchs to xheSulta n jdames ; 
Their paflions not more impotent and 

cold, / 

Than thofe of poets to the luft of gold. 
With Paeans pureft fire his favVites glow, 
The dregs will ferve to ripen ore below; 
His meaneft work : for had he thought it 

fit, 
That wealth mould be the appennage of 

wity 
The God of light could ne'er have been 

fo blind 
To deal it to the worft of human-kind. 

But let me now, for I can do it' well, 
Your conduct in this new employ foretel. 

And firft : to make my obfervation right, 
, I place zftatefman full before my fight, 
A bloated miriifter in all bis geer, 
With fhamelefsvifage, and perfidious leer: 
Two rowsofteeth arm each devouringjaw, 

And, oft rich-like, his all-digefting maw. 
My fancy drags this tnonfler to my view 
Tp fhew the world his chief re verfe in you. 
Of loud unmeaning founds a rapid flood 
Rolls from his mouth in plenteous ftrearfl* 
of mud : Witt 



TO Mr. G AY. 233 

h thefe the court and fenate-houfehe 

plies, .-.•• '*■ ' 

le up of noife, and impudence, and lies. 

Tow let me fliew how Bob and you 
agree, 

1 fervea* potent prince^ as wellas he. 

j ducal coffers, trufted to your charge; 
ir honeft care may fill ; perhaps enlarge. 
vafTals eafy, and the owner bleft, 
ey pay a trifle, and enjoy the reft; 
: fo a nation's revenues are paid: 
; Fervant's faults are on the matter laid. 

2 people with afightheir taxes bring; 
d, curfingZ?03, forget to blefs the king. 
it hearken, Gay, to what thy charge 

requires /....; 

th fervants, tenants, and the neigh- 
boring ''/quires. >•--■••, 
: all domefticks feel your gentle fway : 
r bribe, infult, nor flatter, nor betray. 
: due reward to merit be allow'd ; • 
r with your KINDRED half the 
palace crowd, - 

* A title given to dukes by the heralds. 

, Nor 



234 TO -tyr.G AY. 

Nor think youifelffeoure in doing wrong 
By telling nofes with a party firong, 

, Be rich ; but of your wealth make no 
parade ; 
At leaft, beforeyour majlers debts are paid, 
Hot pt.ap^lace^uib wi,tb chargewtmcnfc, 
Prefwne to treat bim at bis own expence. 
pach farmer in $e neighbourhood can 

count, 
To what your lawful perquiiites amount. 
The tenantspoor^ehardnefs of the times, 
Are jltecufes for a fervant's crimes. 
With intereft,and a premium paid befjde,. 
yhe matter's pjeiling. wants muft \>t fup- 

With hafty #eal behold the ilewarp 1 come 

y his own credit to advance {he fum j 

Who, while tF unrigbtfQffs mammon is 

lu> friend, ' x 

.Afcywell conclude hispowVwill never end 
A faithful treas'rer ! what could he do 

more? 
He lends my lord, what was spy hrf* before- 

The law foftri$ly guajpds the monarch'^ 
healthy 
That no phyfician dares preicribe bj*i 
ftealth : Th^ 



TO Mr. Q AY. * 3 j 

?hc council fit; approvethe do&or's flrill} 
^.nd give advice, before he gives the pi|l f 
Jut thejlafe emp'ric a&s a fafer part j 
Indwhile he poifons y wins the royal heart, 

But how can I defcrjbe the ray'nou* 
breed? 
rjien let me now by negatives proceed, 

Suppofe your lord a trufty fervant fend 
!)n weighty buVnefsto fome neighboring 

friend ; 
Prefume no£,(7gy, unlefsyou ferve a drone, 
Fp cpun|ermanc)his orders by your own. 

Should fome imperious neighbour fink 

the boats, 
\nd drain the fifi-ponds^ while your mafter. 

doats ; 
jhall he upon the ducal rights intrench^ 
Secaufe he brib'd you with a brace of 

tench? 

£Jpr from your lord his bad conditio^ 
hide 
vfo feed liis luxury, or fbothe his : pride. 
Nor at an under rate his timber fell, 
^Vnd with an oath aflfure him; all if well. 

? 9? 



236 T O Mr. G A Y. 

Or/wear it rotten*; and with humble airs 
Requeft it of him to compleatyour Jiairs. 
Nor when a mortgage lies on half h is lands, 
Come with a purfe of guineas in your 
hands. 
Have Peter Waters always in your mind; 
That rogue of genuine myfterial kind 
Can half the peerage by his arts bewitch; 
Starve twenty lords to make one fcoundrel 

rich: 
And when he gravely has undone afcore, 
Is humbly pray 'd to ruin twenty moref. 
A dexterous fteward, when his trick? 

are found, 
Hujh-money fends to all the neighbours 

round ; 
His mafter, unfulpicious of his pranks. 
Pays all the coft, and gives the villain 

thanks. 
And fhpuld a friend attempt to fet hin» 

right, 
His lordfhip would impute it all tofpight^ 
Would love his fav'rite better than before^ 
And truft his honefty juft fo much more- - 

* Thefe lines are thpught wainfcots, ftairs, door-cafe* - 

to allude to fome ft6ry eon- etc. 

cerning a great quantity of -f-Hehadpra£tifed thistra<£ ' 

mahogany declared rotien.and for many years with fuccef*. 
•■ -n applied by fomebody to 

ThW* 



T O Mr. GAY. 237 

Thus families like realms with equal, fate 
Are funk by premier mhtijiers offtate. 

Some, when an heirfucceeds, go boldly 

on, 
And, as they robb'd the fat her, robb'd 

the fon. 
A knave, who deep embroils his lord's 

affairs, 
Will foon grow neceflary to his heirs. 
^His policy confifts in Jetting traps, 
In finding ways and means, ano! flopping 

gaps: 
He knows a thoufand tricks whene'erhe 

pleafe, 
Though not to cure, yet palliate each 

difeafe. 
In either cafe an equal chance is run; 
For keep, or turn him out my lord's un- 
done. 
You want a hand to clear a filthy fink; 
No cleanly workman can endure the ftink. 
A ftrong dilemma in a defperate cafe I 
To a& with infamy, or quit the place. 

A bungler thus, who fcarce the nail 
can hit, 
With driving wrong will make thepannel 
fplit : Nor 



238 tO Mr. G AY. 

Nor dates an abler workmail undertake 
To drive a 1 fecond, left the whole fhould 
break. 

In ev'ry court the parallel wrU hold ; 
And kings, like private folks, were bought 

and fold. 
'The ruling rogue, who dreads to he 

calhier'd, 
Contrives, as he is hated, ttf be fear 'dt 
Confounds accounts, perplexes all affairs) 
For vengeance more embroils^ than Jtitl 

repaifs* 
So robbers (and their ends afejuft the fame) 
To 'fcapc enquiries /*<*«* /;6*£m^ inflame, 

I knew a brazen minifter of ftate. 
Who bore for twice ten years the public 

hate. 
In every mouth thequeftionmoftin vogue 
Was, when will they turn out this odioiiS" 

rogue? 
A juncture happened in his higheft prided 
While he went robbing OTx,oldmaJler died - 
We thought there now remain'd no roonc3 

to doubt ; 
His work is done, the minifter mufl out. 
The court invited more than one or two $ 
Will you,Sir Spencer? or, willow, oryour* 

Bum 



TO Kfr. O A Y. 239 

t not a foul his office dirfft accept ; 
e fubtle knave had all the plunder 

fwept : 
id fuch was then the temper of the 

times, 
: ow'd his prelervatiorf to his crime*. 
ee candidates obfervM rnVdiriy pawg, 
>r found it difficult to gue» the caufei 
t when they frhelt fuch foul corruptions 

round him, 
ray they fled, and left him as they 

found him. 

Thus, when a greedy floren once ha* 

thrown 
'\sfnot into the me/s ; 'tis vllhii nm< 



He 



(240] 

Thefollowtngpoem was fir ft printed 'in Fog's 

journal of the 17th of Sept. 1733. 2Z* 

fubjetl of it is now over ; £#/ 0»r author's 

known zeal againfi that project made it 

be generally fuppofed to be his. It was 

occaftoned by the bifhops of Ireland . en* 

deavouring to get an aEt to divide the 

, church livings ; which bill was rejected 

by the Irifh houfe of commons *. • 

Written in the Year 1^31. 

OLD Latimer preaching did fairly 
defcribe 
A bifhop, who'rul'dall the reft of his tribe; 
And who is this bifhop ? and where does 

; he dwell? 
Why truly 'tis Satan, arch-bifhop of hell. 
And HE was a primate, and HE wore a 

mitre 
Surrounded with jewels of fulphur anc^ 

nitre. 
How nearly this bifhop our bifhops re— 

fembles ! 
But he has the odds, who believes ane& 
who trembles, 

* See confideration* on this bill in Vol. X. 

Coulee 



FROM FOG's JOURNAL. 241 

Duld you fee his grim grace, for a pound 
to a penny, 

ou'd fwear it muft be the baboon of K~y : 

x>r Satan will think the companion 
odious: 

wifli I could find him out one more 
commodious. 

it this I am fure, the mofi rev rend old 
dragon 

as got on the bench many bifliops fuf- 
fragan; 

nd all men believe he refides there in- 
cog. 

> give them by turns an invifible jog. 

Our bifhops, puft up with wealth and 
with pride, 

> hell on the backs of the clergy would 

ride, 
ley mounted and labour'd with whip 

and with fpur 
vain— for the devil a parfon would flir. 
the commons unhors'd them, and this 

was their doom, 
1 their crofiers to ride, like a witch on 

a broom. 
Vol. VII. R Though 



242 FROM FOG's JOURNAL. 

'I hough they gallop'd fo faft on the read 

you may find 'em, 
And have left us but three out of twenty 

behind 'em, 

Lord Bcltoris good grace, lord Car, and 
lord Howard*, 

In fpight of the devil, would ftill be unto- 
ward. 

They came of good kindred, and couM 
r.ot endure 

Their former companions ihould beg at 
their door. 

When CHRIST was betray M to Pi- 
late the prater, 
Of a dozen apoftles but one prov'd a trai- 
tor : 
One traitor alone, and faithful eleven ; 
But we can afford you fix traitors in feven. 

What a clutter with clippings, dividing* 

and cleavings ! 
And the clergy forfooth muft take up 

with their leavings. 
If making divifions was all their intent, 
They've done it, we thank 'em, but not 

as they meant ; 

• * ArchUlhop of CaJbtU t fctfhopa of KHUte and Elfhin. 

And 



FftOM FOG's JOURNAL. 243 

wl fomay fuch bifhops for ever divide i 
at no honeft heathen would be on 

their, fide. 
w mould we rejoice, if, like Judas the 

rlrft, 
ok lplitters of parfons in funder mould 

burft? 

tfow hear an allufion : — A mitre you 

know 
livided above, but united below, 
his you confider, our emblem is right; 
b bilhops divide, but the clergy unite. 
>uld the bottom be fplit, our bifhops 

would dread 
it the mitre would never flick faft on 

their head, 
1 yet they have learnt the chief art of 

a fov'reign, 
Machiavel taught 'em ; divide and ye 

govern, 
courage, my lords ; though it cannot 

be faid 
it one cloven tongue ever fat on your 

head ; 

R 2 I'll 



244 FROM FOG's JOURNAL: 

1 11 hold you a groat, and I wifh I could 

fee't, 
If your ftockings were off, you could 

mew cloven feet. 

But hold, cry the bifhops ; and give 

us fair play ; 
Before you condemn us, hear what we 

can fay. 
What truer affections could ever be fliewn 
Than faving your fouls by damning our 

own? 
And have we not pradris'd all methods to 

gain you ; 
With the tithe of the tithe of the tithe to 

maintain you ; 
Provided a fund for building you fpittals? 
You are only to live four years without 

victuals. 
Content, my good 1 — ds ;1>ut let us change 

hands ; 
Firft take you our tithes, and give us 

your lands. 
So God blefs the church, and three of our 

mitres ; 
And God blefs the Commons for biting 

the biters. 

To 



C hs 3 

To the Reverend 

Dr. SWIFT, D. S. P. D. 

Hb aprefent of a paper-book finely bound 
i bis birth' day, November 30, 1732*. 

\y the Right Hon. John Earl of Orrery. 

""'O thee, dear Swift, thefe ipotlefs 

leaves I fend ; 
allistheprefent, butfincerethe friend. 
ink not fo poor a book below thy care ; 
10 knows the price that thou canft 

make it bear ? 
wigh tawdry now, and, like Tyrillas 

face, 
1 fpecious front fhines out with bbr- 

row'd grace ; 
>ugh pafte-boards, glitt'ring like a 

tinfel'd coat, 
a/a tabula within denote : 
if a venal and corrupted age, 
1 modern vices fhould provoke thy 

rage 5 

t was occasioned by an of making him a prefent on 

il'cuftom, which I found his birth-day, 

id among, his friends, Orrery. 

R 3 » 



246 TO.DR. SWIFT. 

If wajn'donce more by their impending 

fete, 
A finking country and an injur'd ftate 
Thy great affiftance mould again demand 
Ai^; call forth reafon to defend the land, 
Then mail we view thefe meets with glad 

furprize 
Infpir'd with thought, and fpeaking to 

our eyes : 
pach vacant fpace (hall then, enrich'd, 

difpenfe 
True force of eloquence, and nervous fenfe; 
Inform the judgement, animate the heart, 
And facred rules of policy impart. 
The fpangled cov'ring, bright withfplen- 

did ore, 
Shall cheat the fight with empty {how 

no more : 
But lead us inward to thofe golden mines, 
Where all thy foul in native hiftre mines. 
So when the eye furveys fome lovely 

fair, 
With bloom of beauty grac'd, with ihapc 

and air, 
Haw is the rapture heighjten'd when 

find 
Her form excell'd by te celeftial mifld 

74 



[ 2 47 ] 

Verfes left with a fiver fianJiJk on the 
dean of St. Patrick's chjk on his birth- 
day, by Dr. Delany. 

HITHER from Mexico I came 
To ferve a proud Iernian dame : 
Was long fubmitted to her will ; 
At length me loft me at quadrille. 
Through various fhapes I often pafs'd, 
Still hoping to have reft at laft : 
And ftill ambitious to obtain 
Admittance to the patriot dean ; 
And fometimes got within his door, 
* But loon turn'd out to ferve the poor ; 
Not ftroling idlenefs to aid, 
But honeft induftry decay 'd. 
At length an artift purchas'd me, 
And wrought me to the (hape you fe z. 

This dope, to Hermes, I apply '4: 
" O Hermes, gratify my pride ; 
" Be it my fate to ferve a fage, 
u The greateft genius of his age j 
" That matchlefs pen let me lupply 
" Whofe living lines will never die 



i 

it 



* Alluding to 500/. a year lent by the Pean f without 
■ JQtqreft, to poor tradefinen. 

R 4 I grant 



a4« VERSES BY DR. SWIFT. 

I grant your fuit, the God reply'd, 
And here he left me to refide. 

Verfes written by Dr. SWIFT, occafiomd 
by the foregoing prefents. 

AP A PER book is fent by Boyle, 
Too neatly gilt for me to foil. 
Delany fends a filver ftandifh, 
When I no more a pen can brandifh. 
Let both around my tomb be plac'd : 
As trophies of a Mufe deceased : 
And let the friendly lines they writ 
In praife of long departed wit 
Be grav'd on either fide in columns, 
More to my praife than all my volumes; 
To burft with envy, fpite, and rage, 
The Vandals of the prefent age. 

THE 

Hard/hip upon the LADIES. 

Written in the Year 1733. 

P>00 R ladies ! though their bus' 

■*■ ' be to play, 

"lis hard they muft be bufy night and 

day: • • . • '. 

Why 



AtOVE SONG. 2# 

hy mould they want the prvilege of 

men, 
for take fome fmall diversions now and 

then ? 
ad women been the makers of our laws 
bid why they were not I can fee no 

caufe) ; 
he men mould Have at cards from morn 

to night ; 
nd female pleafures be to read and write. 

ALOVE SONG 

In the Modern Tafte. 

Written in the Year 1733. 

I. 

r^Luttering Ipread thy purple pinions, 
L Gentle Cupid, o'er my heart j 
a flave in thy dominions; 
Nature muft give way to art. 

n. 

Ai\d Arcadians j ever blooming, 
Nightly nodding o'er your flocks, 

See my weary days confuming 
All beneath yon flow'ry rocks. 

III. Thus 



250 A LOVE 60NG. 

III. 

Thus the Cyprian goddefs weeping 
Mourn'd Adonis, darling youth ; 

Him the boar in filence creeping, 
Gor'd with unrelenting tooth. 

IV. 

Cynthia, tune harmonious numbers ; 

Fair Difcretion, firing the lyre ; 
Soothe my ever- waking (lumbers ; 

Bright Apollo lend thy choir. 

V. 

Gloomy Pluto, king of terrors, 
Arm'd in adamantine chains, 

^.ead me to the cryftal mirrors, 
Wat'rjng foft Elyfian plains. 

VI. 

Mournful cyprefs, verdant willow, 
Gilding my Aurelids brows, 

fidorpbeus hov'ring o'er my pillow, 
Hear me pay my dying vows. 



VII. Mela 



BROTHER-PROTESTANTS. ?jt 

yn. 

Melancholy faiooth Meander, 

Swiftly purling in a round, 
On thy margin lovers wander, 

With thy flow'ry chaplets crown'd, 

yuj. 

Thus when Philomela drooping 
Softly feeks her filent mate, 

See the bird of jfuno ftooping ; 
Melody refighs to fate. 

On the words Brother-Proteftants, and 
Fellow-Chriftians, fo familiarly ufed 
hy the advocates for the repeal of the 
Teft-A^ in Ireland/ 

Written in the Year 1733. 

AN inundation, fays the fable, 
O'erflow'd a farmer s barn andftable; 
Whole ricks of hay and ftacks of corn 
Were down the fudden current born $ 
While things of heterogeneous kind 
Together float with tide and wind. 
The generous wheat forgot its pride, 
And (ail'd with litter fide by fide ; 



252 BROTHER-PROTESTANTS 

Uniting all to fhew their amity, 
As in a general calamity. 
A ball of new-dropt horfe's dung, 
Mingling with apples in the throng, 
Said to the pippin plump and prim, 
See, brother, how we apples fwim. 

Thus Lamb, renown'd for cutting 

corns, 
An offer'd fee from Radcliff {corns : 
Not for the world- — we doElors, brother, 
Muft take no fees of one another. 
Thus to a dean fome curate floven 
Subfcribes, dear Sir, your brother loving. 
Thus all the footmen, fhoe-boys, porters, 
About St. James s, cry, We courtiers. 
Thus H — e in the houfe will prate, 
Sir, we the miniflers of fate. 
Thus at the bar the blockhead Bettef- 

worth, 
Though half a crown o'erpays his fweat's 

worth, 
Who knows in law nor text nor margent, 
Calls Ringleton his brother ferjeant. 
And thus fanatic faints, though neither in 
Doctrine nor difcipline our brethren, 

fa 



AND FELLOW-CHRISTIANS. 2 53 

Are brother ProtefianU and Cbriftiam, 
As much as Hebrews and Pbilifiines : 
But in no other fenfe, than nature 
Has made a rat our fellow-creature. 
Lice from your body fuck their food ; 
But is a loufe your flefh and blood ? 
Though born of human filth and fweat, it 
May as well be faid man did beget it. 
But maggots in your nofe and chin 
As well may claim you for their kin. 

Yet criticks may objeft, why not ? 
Since lice are brethren to a Scot : 
Which made ourfwarm of fefts determine 
Employments for their brother vermin. 
But be they Englijh, Irijb y ScotiJb> 
What proteftant can be fo fottifh, 
While o'er the church thefe clouds are 

gath'ring, 
To call a fwarm of lice his brethren ? 

Aa Mo/is, by divine advice, 
In Egypt turn'd the duft to lice ; 
And as our feels, by all defcriptions, 
Have hearts more harden'd than Egytians^ 
As from the trodden duft they fpring, 
And, turn'd to lice, infeft the king : 
4 For 



2j4 ON POETRY. 

For pity's fake it would be juft, 

A rod mould turn them back to dufi. 

Let folks in high or holy ftations 
fie proud of owning fuch relations } 
Let courtiers hug them in their bofom, 
As if they were afraid to lofe 'em : 
While I, with humble Job, had rather 

Say to corruption tbourt my father. 

For he that has fo little wit 
To nourifh vermin may be bit, 

ON 

P O E T R Y< 

A RHAPSODY, 

ALL human race would rain be wits, 
And millions mifs for one that hits. 
Youngs univerfal paffion, pride, 
Was never known to fpread £o wide. 
Say Britain, could you ever boaft 
Three poets in an age at moft ? 
Our chilling climate hardly bears 
AJprig of bays in fifty years : 

.While 



ON POETRY. *5£ 

bile ev'ry fool his claim alledges> 
if it grew in common hedges* . 
hat reafon can there be aflign'd 
r this perverfenefs in the mirid ? 
utes find out where their talents lie : 
bear will not attempt to fly ; 
founder' d horfe will oft debate 
fore he tries a five-barr'd gate : 
dog by inftind turns afide, 
ho fees the ditch too deep and wide, 
ut man we find the only creature 
f ho, led byfolfyf combats nature 5 
fho, wh.tnjhe loudly cries forbear, 
f ith obftinacy fixes there ; 
nd where his genius lead inclines, 
.bfurdly bends his whole defigns. 

Not empire to the rifing fun 
y valour, conduit, fortune won ; 
lot higheft wifdom in* debates 
rom framing laws to govern ftates j 
Jot (kill in fciences profound 
large to grafp the circle round ; 
uch heav'nly influence require, . . 
V.s how to flrike the Mufes lyre. 

Not beggar's brat on bulk begot ; 
^ot baftard of a pedlar Scot 5 

1 Not 



a 5 6 ON POETRY. 

Not boy brought up to cleaning (hoes, 
The fpawn of Bridewell, or the ftews ; 
Not infants dropt, the fpurious pledges 
Oigypfies litt'ring under hedges, ' 
Are fo difqualify d by fate 
To rife in churchy or law, or ft ate, 
As he, whom Pbosbus in his ire 
Hath blafted with poetic fire. 

. * 

What hope of cuftom in the^wr, 
While not a foul demands your ware ? 
Where you have nothing to produce 
For private life, or public ufe? 
Court, city, country want you not : 
You cannot bribe, betray, or plot. 
For poets law makes no provision : 
The wealthy have you in derifion ; 
Of ftate affairs you cannot fmatter ; 
Are aukward, when you try to flatter; 
Your portion, taking Britain round, 
* Wasjuft one annual hundred pound; 
Now not fo much as in remainder, 
Since Cibber brought in an attainder ; 
For ever fixt by right divine 
(A monarch's right) on Grubftreet line. 

* Paid to the poet laureat, which place was given to Mb 
CtUtj Cibber, a player. 

Poor 



ON POETRY. 257 

Poor ftarv'ling bard, how fmall thy 
gains I 
How unpfopoftion'd to thy pains 1 
And here ijimi/e comes pat in : 
Though chickens take a month to fatten* 
The guefts in lefs than half an hour 
Will more than half a fcore devour. 
So, after toiling twenty days 
To earn a ftock of pence and praife, 
Thy labours, grown the critick's prey, 
Are fwallow'd o'er a dim of tea ; 
Gone to be never heard of more, 
Gone where the chickens went before. 

How fliall a new attempter learn 
Of different fpirits to difcern, 
And howdimnguim which is which, 
The poet's vein, or fcrtbbling itch ? 
Then hear an old experiene'd (inner, 
Inftru&isg thus a young beginner. 

Confuk yourfelf, and if you find 
A powerful impulfe urge your mind, 
Impartial judge within your 1>reaft 
"What fubjed you can manage belt ; 
Whether your genius moft inclines 
To latire, praife, or hunVrous lines, 

Vet. VII. S To 



258 ON POETRY... 

To ekgjes in mournful tone, . 

Or prologue fent from hand unknown. 

Then rifing with Aurora s light, 

The Mufe invok'd, fit down to write; 

Blot out, correcT:, infert,. refine, , 

Enlarge, diminiih, interline ; 

Be mindful, when invention fails, 

To lcratchyour head, and bite your nails. , 

Your poem finiuYd, next your caye 
Is needful to tranfcribe it fair. 
In modern wit, all printed trafh is 
Set ofFwith numerous breaks— and dafhes.— 

To ftatefmen would you give a wipe, 
You print it in Italic type. 
When letters are in vulgar mapes,. , , 
'Tis ten to one the wit efcapes ; 
But when in capitals expreft, 
The dulleit reader fmoaks the jeft ; 
Or elfe perhaps he may invent 
A better than the poet meant ; 
As learned commentators view 
In Homer more than Homer knew. 

Your poem in its modifli drefs, 
Correctly fitted for the prefs, t 

. ' ' i.' Convey 



ON POETRY. »S9 

Donvey by penny-poft to Lintot y 
Jut let no friend alive look into't. 
f Lintot thinks 'twill quit the coft, 
fou need not fear your labour loft \ . 
Vnd how agreeably furpriz'd 
^re you to fee it advertis'd ! 
The hawker fhews you one in print* 
Vs frefh as farthings from the mint : 
The product of your toil and fweating j 
V. baftard of your own begetting. 

Be fure at Wilts the following day 
,ie fnug, and hear what criticks fay. 
ind, if you find the gen'ral vogue 
'renounces you a ftupid rogue, 
>amns all your thoughts as low and little^; 
It ftill, and fwallow down your fpittle. 
e filent as a politician, 
or talking may beget fufpicion : 
>r praife the judgment of the town, 
aid help yourfelf to run it down. 
tfve up your fond paternal pride, 
Tor argue on the weaker fide ; 
'or poems read without a name 
Ve juftly praife, or juftly blame ; 
told criticks have no partial view^, ; 
Except thev know whom they abufe : 

S 2 And 



a6o ON POETRY. 

And fince you ne'er provok'd their fpight, 
Depend upon't their judgment's right. 
But, if you blab, you are undone , 
Confider what a rifle you run : 



You lofe your credit all at once ; 
The town will mark vou for a dunce; 
The vileft doggrel Grubfireet fends 
Will pafs for yours with foes and friends; 
And you muft bear the whole difgrace, 
Till fome freih blockhead takes your place. 

Your fecret kept, your poem funk, 
And fent in quires to line a trunk, 
If ftill you be difpos'd to rhyme, 
Go try your hand a fecond time. 
Again you fail ; yet fafe's the word j 
Take courage, and attempt a third. 
But firft with care employ your thoughts, 
Where criticks mark'd your former faults.^ 
The trivial turns, the borrow'd wit, 
Th&faniles that nothing fit; 
The cant which ev'ry fool repeats, 
Town-jefts, and coffee-houfe conceits ; 
Defcriptions tedious, flat and dry, 
And introdue'd the lord knows why \ 
Or where we find your fury fet 
Againft the harmkfs alphabet i ' 

On 



ON POETRY. 261 

)n a's and b's your malice vent, 
iVhile readers wonder whom you meant; 

V public or a private robber f 
\ftatefman, or a fouth-feay^&r $ 

V prelate who no God believes ; 
X. parliament, or den of thieves ; 
^ pick-purfe at the bar or bench, 
k duchefs, or a fuburb wench : 
)roft, when epithets you link 

n gaping lines to fill a chink, 
«,ike ftepping-ftones, to faye a ftride, 
n ftreets where kennels are too wide j 
)r, like a heel-piece, to fupport 
t cripple with one foot too fhort ; 
)r like a bridge, that joins a marifh 
To moorlands of a different parifh. 
o have I feen ill-coupled hounds 
)rag diffrent ways in miry gronnds. 
o geographers in Afric maps 
Vith favage pictures fill their gaps, 
tad o'er unhabitable downs, 
*lace elephants for want of towns. 

But, though you mifs your third eflay, 
5fou need not throw your pen away. 
Lay now afide all thoughts of fame, 
To fprkig more profitable game. 

S3 From 



*6a ON POETRY. 

From party-merit feek fuppor t; 
The vileftyerfe thrives beft at court, 
A pamphlet in Sir Bob's defence . . 
Will never fail to bring in pence : 
Nor be concerned about the fale, 
He pays his workmen on the nail. 

A prjnce, the moment he is crown'd, 
Inherits every virtue round, 
As emblems of the fovereign power, 
Like other bawbles in the Tower : 
Is generous, valiant, juft, and wife, 
And fo continues till he dies : 
His humble fenate this profefies 
In all their Jpeeches, votes, addrejfes : 
But once you fix him in a tomb, 
His virtues fade, his vices bloom ; 
And each perfection wrong imputed, 
Is fully at his death confuted. 
The loads of poems in his praife 
Afccnding make one funeral-blaze : 
As foon as you can hear his knell, 
This God on earth turns d — / in hell : 
And lo ! his minifters of rlate, 
Transform'd to imps, his levee wait j 
Where, in thefcenes of endlefs woe, , 
They ply their former arts below j 

S And, 



ON POETRY. 26j 

And, as they fail in Charon s boat, 
Contrive to bribe the judge's vote ; 
To Cerberus they give a fop 
His-triple^barkingmouth tO ftop ; ' 
Or in the iv'ry gate * of dreams 
Project elkcife and Soufh-fea fchemes; 
Or hire their party-pamphleteers 
To fet Elyfium by the ears. 

Then poet, if you mean to thrive^ 
Employ your Mufe on kings alive ; 
Vv^ith prudence gathering up a clufter 
Of all the virtues you can mufter, 
Which, form'd into a garland fweet, 
Lay humbly at your monarch's feet ; 
Who, as the odours reach his throne, . 
Will fmile, and think 'em all his own ; 
For law and go/pel both determine 
All virtues lodge in royal ermine 
I mean the oracles of both, 
Who mail depofe it upon oath). 
Your garland in the following reign, 
Change but the names, will do again* 

But, if you think this trade too bafe 
(Which feldom is the dunce's cafe), 

* Sunt gtmlna fimnl part*, etc. 
Mora candenti perftela nit em tlchkmlt. 

S 4 Put 



264 ON POETRY, 

Put on the pritick's brow, and fit 
At WilVi $he puny judge of wit, . . 
A nod, a flirjug, a fcoj-nfql finite, 
With caution us'd, may ierve a , while* 
Proceed no further in your part, 
Before you learn the terms of art ; 
For you can never be too far gone ... 
In all our modern criticks jargon : 
Then talk with more authentic face. 
Of unities in time and place ; 
Get fcraps of Horace from your, friends* 
And have them at your fingers end* \ . 
Learn Arifiotles rules by rote, 
And at all hazards boldly quote $ 
Judicious Rymer oft review* 
Wife Dennis, and profound Boffu. 
Read all the prefaces of Dryden, 
For thefe our criticks much confide-in 
(Though merely writ at firft for filling 
To raii'e the volume's price a flailing)* 

A forward critick often dupes us ; 
With (ham quotations * peri bupfox^si z . 
And, if we have not read Longinus, ,, • 
"Will magifterially out-mine us,. ,.,. \-, .; 



* A famous trcatife ot Lmgitufr* 

Then, 



V 



ON POX TRY. a65 

Phcn, left with Greek he over-run ye, 
'rocure the book for love or money, 
franflated from Boileaus translation** 
Ind quote quotation on quotation. 

At WilVt you hear a poem read, 
Vhere Bottut from the table-head, 
Leclining on his elbow-chair, 
Jives judgment with decifive air ; 
7o whom the tribe of circling wits 
U to an oracle fubmits. 
le gives directions to the town 
|V» cry it up* or run it down ; 
.ike courtkrs % when they fend a note, 
aftrufting members how to vote, 
[e fets the ftamp of bad and good, 
"hough apt 3 word be understood, 
our Te&u learnt, you'll be fecure 
\> get the name of connoiffeur : 
aid, when your merits once are known, 
rocure difciples of your own. 
or poet* (you can never want 'em) 
pread through + Augufia Trinobantum, 
bmpviting by thetr pecks of coals, 
imount to juft sine thou&nd fouls : 

* B/ Mr. tPifhi. f The ancient name oliUmdon. 

Thefe 



z66 ON POETRY. 

Thefe o ? er their proper diftri&s govern, 
Of wit and humour judges fov'reign. 
In ev'ry ftreet a city-bard 
Rules, like an alderman, his ward ; 
His indifputed rights extend 
Through all the lane, from end to end; 
The neighbours round admire \nsjbnwd' 

nefs 
For fongs of loyalty and lewdnefs ; 
Out-done by none in rhyming well, 
Although he never learnt to fpell. 

Two bordering wits contend for glory; 
And one is whig, and one is tory : 
And this for epicks claims the bays, 
And that for elegiac lays : 
Some fam'd for numbers foft and fmooth,- 
By lovers fpoke in Punch's booth : 
And fome as juftly fame extols 
For lofty lines in Smithfield drolls. 
Bavins in Trapping gains renown, 
And Meevius reigns o'er Kentijh-town : 
Tigellius plac'd in Phoebus car 
From Ludgate fliines to Temple-bar : 
Harmonious Cibber entertains - 
The court with annual birth- day (trains; 

Whence 



ON POETRY. 267 

V hence Gd^was banifh'd in difgrace, 
Vhere Pope will never (how his face ; 
Vhere Young muft torture his invention, 
To flatter kngves^ or lofe his penfeon. 

But thefe are not a thoufandth part 
)f jobbers in the poet's art, 
Attending each his proper ftation, 
ind all in due fubordination ; 
Through every alley to be found, 
n garrets high or under ground : 
Ind when they join their pericranies^ 
)ut {kips a hook of mifcellantes. 
r -Jobbes clearly proves, that ev'ry creature 
„ives in a ftate of war by nature. 
The greater for the fmalleft watch, 
Jut meddle feldom with their match. 
k. whale of moderate fize will draw 
V. fhoal of herrings down his maw. 
^ fox with geefe his belly crams, 
Jl wolf deftroys a thou fand lambs. 
Jut fearch among the rhyming race, 
The brave are worried by the bafe. 
f on Parnaffus 1 top you fit, 
fou rarely bite, are always bit, 
£ach poet of inferior iize 
3n you fhall rail and criticife.; 

And 



268 ON POETRY. 

And ftrivetotear you limb from limb, 
While others do as much for him* 

The vermin only teafe and pinch 
Their foes fuperior by an inch. 
So nat'ralifts obferve, a flea 
Hath fmaller fleas that on him prey, 
And thefe have fmaller ftill to bite 'em) 
And fo proceed ad infinitum. 
Thus ev*ry poet in his kind 
Is bit by him that comes behind : 
Who, though too little to be feen. 
Can teaze, and gall, and give the fpleenj 
Call dunces fools, and fons of whores, 
Lay Grubjtreet at each other's doors \ 
Extol the Greek and Roman matters, . 
And curie our modern poetaftert. 
Complain, as many an ancient bard did, 
How genius is no more rewarded ; 
How wrong a tafte prevails among us j 
How much our ancestors out-fung us \ . 
Can perfonate an auk ward {corn 
For tnofe who are not poets born j 
And all their brother dunces lain, 
Who croud the prefs with hourly trafhr 

O Grubftreet / how do I bemoan thee* 

Whofe gracelefs children fcorn to own thai 

• • 4 Theij 



ON POETRY. agy 

rheir filial piety forgot, 
Deny their country like a Scot ; 
Though by their idiom and grimace 
They foon betray their native place :. 
if et thou haft greater caufe to be 
Aiham'd of them, than they of thee, 
Degenerate from their ancient brood, 
Since firft the court allow'd them food. 

Remains a difficulty dill, 
Tq purchafe fame by writing ill. 
Prom Flecktioe down to Howards time, 
How few havereach'd the lowfuhlimet 
For when our high-born Howard died, 
Blackmore alone his place fupplied : 
And, left a chafm mould intervene, 
When death had foniWdBlackmore's reign, 
The leaden crown devolv'd to thee, 
Great # poet of the hollow-free. 
But ah I how unfecure thy throne ! 
A thousand bards thy right difown : 
They plot to turn, in factious zeal, 
Duncenta to a common-weal ; 
And with rebellious arms pretend 
Alt equal priv'lege to defcend, 

: * Lord Crimflen t author of a play called Lore in an Hollow 
Tree, '" • • ' 

In 



a 7 d ON' POETRY. 

In bulk there are not more degree* 
From elephants to mites in cheefe, 
Than what .a curious eye may trace 
In creatures of the rhyming race. 
From bad to worfe, and worfe they fall J 
But .who can reach the worft of all ? 
For though in nature depth and height 
Are equally held infinite, 
In poetry the height we know ; 
'Tis only infinite below. 
For inftance : when you rafhly think, 
No rhymer can like Weljiedf fink, 
His merits balanc'd, you fhall find, 
The laureat % leaves him far behind. 
Concannen, more afpiring bard, 
Soars downwards deeper by a yard. 
Smart Jemmy Moor with vigour drops, 
The reft purfue as thick as hops. 
With heads to points the gulph they enter, 
Link'd perpendicular to the center j 
And as their heels elated rife, 
Their heads attempt the nether Aries* 

O, what indignity and fhame, 
To proftitute the Mufe's name ! 

+ Vidt Thetreatife on the inferted Mr. Fielding; (<* 

Profoundyini Mt.Pope'sDun- whofc ingenious writings th* 

dad. fuppofed author hath maniteft" 

X In Tome editions, infread ed a great cfteem. 
•f the laureat, was malicioufly 8^ 



ON.POETRY. 2 ?i 



/ 



tyflatt'ring whom heav'n defigri d * 

^he plagues and fcourges of mankind ; 
Ired up in ignorance and {loth, ■ . 
^jid ev'ry vice that nurfes both. 

Fair Britain in thy monarch Weft, . . 
RThofe virtues bear theftri&eftteft; . 
iVhdm never faSiion could befpatter, : . 
Star tninijler nor poet flatter. 
What juftice in rewarding merit ! 
What magnanimity of fpirit J 
What lineaments divine we trace 
Through all his figure, mien, and face ! 
Though peace with olive bind his hands, 
Confeft the conquering hero ftands. 
* Hydafpes, Indus, and the Ganges, 
Dread from his hand impending changes^ 
From him the Tartar, andCbine/e, 
•J- Short by the knees, intreat for piece. .. 
The confort of his throne and bed, . 
A perfect goddefs born and bred. 
Appointed fovereign judge to fit 
On learning, eloquence, and wit. 

, * ■ ■ . ' Supir et Garamantas et Indct 
* Proferet imperium, etc. 

——Jam nunc et Cafpia regna . 
Refptnfu horrent Dlv&m, eft. 
+ -■ Genii us minor > etc. 



PJ 



Our 



2 7 * OW POETRY. 

Our eldeft hope, divine Iiifvr, 
(Late, very late, O, may he rule till) 
What early manhood has he fliown, 
Before his downy beard was grown I 
Then think what wonders will be done 
By going on as he begun, 
An heir for Britain to fecure 
As long as fun and moon endure. 

The remnant of the royal blood, 
Comes pouring on me like a flood* 
Bright godde&s, in number ttVe \ 
Duke William, iweeteft prince alive. 

Now fing the m'mifter of fiate f 
Who mines alone without a mate. 
Obferve with what majeftic port 
This Atlas ftands to prop the court : 
Intent the pubiick debts to pay 
Like prudent * Fabius by delay. 
Thou great vicegerent of the king*. 
Thy praifes ev'ry Mufe maU ling \ 
In all affairs thou iblc director, 
Of wit and learning chief protector; 
Though fmall the time thou had to (pare, 
The church is thy peculiar • 



* Unui btm ndh cvaAando re/littitrtm, 

00 



ON POETRY. 273 

pious prelates what a ftock 
1 chufe to rule the fable >flock? 
iraife the honour of thepeerage, 
ud to attend you at the fteerage. 
1 dignify the noble race, 
itentyourfelfwith humbler place. 
w learning, valour, virtue, fenfe, 
titles give the fole pretence. 
George beheld thee with delight 
ichfafe to be an azure knight, 
en on thy breaft and fides Herculean 
fixt the ftar and firing cerulean. , 

ay, poet, in what other nation 

ne ever fuch a conftellation J 

srid, ye Popes, and Youngs, and Gays, 

1 tune your harps, and ftrewyour bays : 

tr panegyricks here provide : 

1 cannot err on flatt'ry's fide, 

>ve the ftars exalt your flyle, 

1 ftill are low ten thoufand mile. 

Lewis all his bards beftow'd 

incenfe many a thoufand load ; 

Europe mortified his pride, 
1 fwore the fawning rafcals ly'd. 

what the world refus'd to Lewis 
:>lied to George exactly true is. 
/ol. VII. T Exaalv 



274 ON POETRY. 

Exa&ly true ! invidious poet f 
Tis fiftv thouiand times below it. 

Tranflate me now fome lines, if you can, 
From Virgil, Martial, Ovid, Luc an. 
They could all power in heaven divide, 
And do no wrong to either fide : 
They teach you how to Iplit a hair, 
*Give — and Jove an equal {hare. 
Yet, why, mould we be lae'd fo ftraight? 
1*11 give my — butter-weight. 
And reafon good ; for many a year 
y;-zv never intermeddled here : 
Nor, though his priefts be duly paid, 
Did ever we defirc his aid ? 
We now can better do without him, 
Since JFoolflon gave us arms to rout him. 
***** Cetera defiderantur. * • * ** 

• Dk-ifmm inpfr:wn cum Joyc Caelar baleU 



/n 



ACHA- 



C H, A R A C T E R, 
-PANEOfRICK* 

AND 

DESCRIPTION 

OF THE 

LEGION CLUB.* 

AS I flrole the city, oft I 
See a building large and lofty, 
Not a bow- mot from the college, 
Half the globe from fenfeand knowledge; 
By the prudent architect 
Plac'd againft the church direct, 
Making good my grandame's jeft, 
f Near the church — you know the reft, 

• I have written a very were added, and in Letter 38 

■latterly poem on the Legion that there were 50 different 

club— it is 240 lines. copies ; but this con lifts of 

Swift' 't Letters, Letter 36. juft 240 lines, and has every 

other mark of genuine copy. 

Thedetn complains in Let- t The nearer the church 

rer 37 that other characters the farther from God* 

T i Tell 



276 DESCRIPTION OF 

Tell us,, what the pile contains ? 
Many a head that holds no brains. 
Thefe demoniacks let me dub 
With the name of Legion club ; 
Such aflemblies, you might fwear, 
Meet when butchers bait a bear ; 
Such a nofe, and fuch haranguing, 
When a brother thief is hanging : 
Such a rout and fuch a rabble 
Run to hear jack-pudden gabble ; 
Such a crowd their ordure throws 
On a far lefs villain's nofe. 

Could I from the building's top 
Hear the rattling thunder drop, 
While the devil upon the roof 
(If-the devil be thunder-proof) 
Should, with poker fiery red, 
Crack the ftones and melt the lead ; 
Drive them down on ev'ry feu 11, 
While the den of thieves is full ; 
Quite deftroy the harpeis neft, 
How might then our ifle be bleft ! 
For divines allow, that God 
Sometimes makes the devil his rod, 
And the gofpel will inform us 
He can punifli fins enormous. 

Ye 



THE LEGION CLUB. 277 

Yet fhould Swift endow the fchools 
For his lunaticks and fools 
With a rood or two of land, 
I allow the pile may ftand : 
You perhaps will afk me, why fo ? 
But it is with this provifo, 
Since the houfe is like to laft, 
Let the royal grant be pafs'd, 
That the club have right to dwell 
Each within his proper cell, 
With a paflage left to creep in, 
And a hole above for peeping. 

Let them, when they once get in, 
Sell the nation for a pin ; 
While they fit a picking ftraws, , 
Let them rave at making laws ; 
vVhile they never hold their tongue, 
Let them dabble in their dung ; 
Let them form a grand committee, 
-low to plague and ftarve the city ; 
Let them, ftare, and ftorm, and frown, 
*Vhen they fee a clergy gown ; 
^et them, ere they crack a^ loufe, 
3all for th'orders of the houfe ; 
Let them with their gofling quills 
Jcribble fenfeiefs heads of bills. 
1 T 3 We 



a;8 DESCRIPTION OF 

We may, while they, ftrain their throats, 
Wipe our a — s with their votes. . . 

Let * Sir Tom, that rampant afs> .,. 
Stuff his guts with flax and grafs ; 
But, before the prieft he fleeces, 
Tear the Bible all to pieces i 
At. the parfons, Tom, halloo, boy, 
Worthy offspring of a fhoe-boy, 
Footman, traitor, vile feducer, 
Perjur'd rebel, brib'd accufer ; 
Lay thy paultry privilege afide, 
Sprung from papifts, and a regicide j 
Fall a working like a mole, 
Rajfe the dirt about your hole, 

Come, aflift me, Mufe obedient, 
Let us try fome new expedient, 
Shift the fcene for half an hour, 
Time and place are jn thy pow'r. 
Thither, gentle Mufe, conduct me ; 
I £.ajl afk, and you inftrud me, ' 



ee, the Mufe unbars the gate ! 



Hark, the monkeys, how they prate 1 

* Sir Thomas P— — /?, a and fen to the inform*' • 
Piiyj-tounfollor ot lrikud t that name, 

A*' 



THE LEGION CLUB.- 279 

-f- All ye Gods, who rule the foul, 
Styx, through hell whofe waters roll ! 
Let me be allow'd to tell 
What I heard in yonder hell. 

$ Near the door -an entrance gapes, 
Crouded round widi antic ihapes, 
Poverty, and grief, and c are, 
Caufelefs joy, and true defpair, 
Difcord periwig 1 d with makes, 
See the dreadful ftrides fhe takes. 

By this odious crew befet, 
I began to rage and fret, 
§ And refolv'd to break their pates, 
E're we enter'd at the gates ; 
Had not Clio in the nick. 
Whifper'd me, Lay dtywnyotir Jiick. 
What, faid I, is this the mad-houfe ? 
Thefe, me anfwer'd, are but fhadows, 
Phantoms bodilefs and vain, 
Empty virions of the brain. 

•f- Di quibusimperium rjl animarum, etc. 

Bit mihi fas audita loqui. Virg. JEn. Lib. VI. 

% Veflibulum ante ipfum, etc. Ibid. 

$ tft ni dofta comes, ct:, Ibid. 

T a. In 



280 DESCRIPTION OF 

* In the porch Briareus Hands, 
Shews a bribe in ail his hands, 
Briareus the fecretary, 
Put we mortals call him C — — -j. - 
When the rogues their country fleece, 
They may hope for pence a-piece, 

Clio, who had been fo wife 
To put ch a fool's difguife 
To befpeak fome approbation, 
And be thought a near relation, 
When fhe law three hundred brutes 
All involv'd in wild difputes, 
Roaring 'till their lungs were fpent 
Privilege of Parliament, 
Now a nqw misfortune feels, 
Dreading to be laid by th' heels. 
Never durft a Mufe before 
Enter that infernal door; 
Clio, ftifled with the fmell, 
Into fpleen and vapours fell, 
Ey the Stygian fleams that fltw 
From the dire infectious crew. 
Not the flench of lake Avernus 
Could have more offended her nofe j 

• Et untuwgen.inui Briar cm, etc. Virg, Lib. VI 

Hac 



THE LEGION CLUB. 281 

.d ftie flown but o'er the top, 
2 had felt her pinions drop, 
A, by exhalations dire, 
Lough a goddefs, muft expire, 
a fright {he crept away ; 
avely I refolv'd to ftay. 

When I faw the keeper frown, 
pping him with half a crown, 
3vv, faid I, we are alone, 
ime your heroes one by one. . 

Who is that hell-featur'd brawler, 

it Satan t no 'tis W r. 

what figure can a bard drefs 
tck the grandfon of Sir H s f 
Dneft keeper drive him further, 
his looks are hell and murther. 
e the fcowling vifage drop, 
ft as when he murther'd T- p. 

Keeper, mew me where to fix 

1 the puppy pair of Dicks ; 

t their lanthorn jaws and leathern, 

3u might fwear they both are brethren; 

ick Fitz Baker, Dick the player, 

Id acquaintance, are you there ? 

3 Dear 



a$2 DESCRIPTION OF 

Dear companions, hug and kifs, 
Toaft old glorious in your pifs. 
Tie'em, keeper, in a tether ; 
Let 'em ftarve and ftink together ; 
Both are apt to be unruly, 
Lafli 'em daily, lafh 'em duly ; 
Though 'tis hopelefs to reclaim them, 
Scorpion rods perhaps may tame them. 

Keeper, yon old dotard fmoak, 
Sweetly fhoring in his cloak. 
Who is he ? r Tis humdrum /sP" — nt 
Half encompafs'd by his kin : 
There obferve the tribe of B — h — m, 
For he never fails to bring 'em-; 
While he fleeps the whole debate, 
They fubmiflive round him wait ; 
Yet would gladly fee the hunks 
In his grave, and fearch his trunks. 
See, they gently twitch his coat, 
Juit to yawn and give his vote, 
Always iirm in his vocation, 
For the C , againft the N •. 

Thofe arey£ — s Jack and Bob, 
Firft in every wicked job, 
Son and brother to a queer 
Brain-fick 'brute, they call a peer, 

-■'•■ • 5 



W( 



THE LEGION CLUB. 283 

e muft give them better quarter, 
or tlieir anceftor trod mortar, 
kJxd at H — th to boaft his fame, 
*n a chimney cut his name. 

There fit C—nts, D~ks, and H— n, 
low they fwagger from their garrifon ! 
uch a triplet could you tell 
Phere to find on this fide hell ? 

I — «, and D — ks, and C -nts, . 

Leeper, fee they have their payments, ' 
.very mifchiefs in their hearts ; 
f they fail, 'tis want of parts. 

Blefs us, M—n / art thou there man? 
Jlefs mine eyes ! art thou the chairman? 
chairman to your damn'd committee ? 
fet I look on thee with pity. 
Dreadful fight ! what ! learned M~~«n 
tfetamorphos'd to a Gorgon ! 
7 or thy horrid looks, I own, 
3alf convert me to a ftone : 
Saft thou been fo long at fchool 
tfbw to turn a factious tool? 
Alma mater was thy mother, 
Ev'ry young divine thy brother. 
Thou, a difobedient varlet, 
Treat thy mother like a harlot ? 

Thou 



284 DESCRIPTION OF 

Thou ungrateful to thy teachers, 
Who are all grown rev'rend preachers ! 
M — , would it not furprize one ? ' 
Turn thy nouriftiment to poifon ! 
When you walk among your books, 
They reproach you with their looks ; 
Bind them fail, or from their Ihelves 
They will come, and right themfelves: 
Homer, Plutarch, Virgil, Flaccus, 
All in arms prepare to back us : 
Soon repent, or put to flaughter 
Every Greek and Roman author. 
Will you in your factions phrafe 
Send the clergy all to graze ; 
And, to make your project pafs, 
Leave them not a blade of grafs ? 

How I want thee, hum'rous Hogarth I 
Thou, I hear, a pleafant rogue art ; 
Were but you and I acquainted, 
Ev'ry monfter mould be painted : - 
You mould try your graving tools 
On this odious group of fools; 
Draw the beafts as I defcribe them - 
From their features, while I gibe theni ; 
Draw them like, for I aflure ye, 
You willteeed no cafc&tura\. 

Draw 



THE LEGION CLUB. zt$ 

>raw them fo, that we may trace 
ill the foul in ev'ry face. 

Keeper, T muift now retire, 
r ou have done what I defire : 
Jut I feel my fpirits fpent 
Vith the noife, the' fight, the fcent. 
7 ray be patient, jou jhall find 
'?[alf the beft are ftill behind :. 
r ou have hardly feen a /core, 
r canjbew two hundred more, 
weeper, I have feen enough. 
Taking then a pinch of fnuff, 
concluded, looking round 'em, 
Way their God, the d — /, confound'' em. 



♦AN- 
APOLOGY, etc. 

A LADY wife as well as fair, 
Whofe confcience always was her care, 
Thoughtful upon a point of moment, 
Would have the text as well as comment: 
>o hearing of a grave divine, 
>he fent to bid him come and dine. 

But 



ft86 AN APOLOGY. 

But you muft know he was not quite 

So grave as to be impolite ; 

Thought human learning would not leflb 

The dignity of his profeffion ; 

And, if you'd heard the man difcourfe, 

Or preach, you'd like him fcarcetheworfe, 

He long had bid the court farewel, 

Retreating filent to his cell; 

Sufpe&ed for the love he bore 

To one who fway'd fome time before; 

Which made it more furprifmg how 

He fliould be fent for thither now. 

The meflage told, he gapes, and flares, 
And fcarce believes his eyes or ears. 
Could not conceive what it fhould meani 
And fain would hear it told again. 
But then the Yquire fo trim and nice, 
'Twere rude to make him tell it twice | 
So bow'd, was thankful for the honour! 
And would not fail to wait upon her. 
His beaver brunYd, his ihoes and gown, 
Away he trudges into town ; 
Panes the lower caftle yard, 
And now advancing to the guard. 
He trembles at the thoughts of ftate ; 
For, confeious of his fheepilh gait, 



AN APOLOGY. 287 

iis fpirits of a fudden fail'd him, 

■Je ftop*d,and could not tell what ail'd him. 

"What was the meflage I receiv'd ? 
Why certainly the captain rav'd : 
To dine with her ! and come at three I 
[mpoflible ! it can't be me. 
Dr may be I miftook the word ; 
Vly lady ! — it mull be my lord ! 

My lord's abroad ; my lady too : 
What muft th' unhappy doctor do ? 
Ts * captain Crach'rode here pray f — no. 
Way then 'tis time for me to go. 
Am I awake, or do I dream ? 
t*m fure. he call'd me by my name ; 
Nam'd me as plain as he could fpeak, 
And yet there muft be fome millake. 
Why, what a jell fhou'd I have been 
Flad now my lady been within ? 
What could I've faid ? I'm mighty glad 
She went abroad— fhe'd thought me mad. 
The hour of dining now is paft ; 
Well then I'll e'en go home and fall ; 
And,fince I 'fcap'd being made a feoff, 
I think I'm very fairly off. 

* The gentleman who brought the meflage. 

\ - My 



2 88 ANAPOLOGY 

My lady now returning home 

Calls, CracKrode, is the doSlor come f 

He had not heard of him — pray fee, 

*Tis now a quarter after three. 

The captain walks about, and fearches 

Through all the rooms, and courts, and 

arches ; 
Examines all the fervants round, 
In vain — no do&or's to be found, 
My lady could not chufe but wonder,: 
Captain, I fearyouve tnadefome blunder : 

But, pray, to-morrow go at ten, 
Til try his manners once again , 
If rudenefsbe tl> effeEl of knowledge, 
Myfon /hall never fee a college. 

The captain was a man of reading, 
And much good fenfe as well as breeding, 
Who, loth to blame, or to incenfe, 
Said little in his own defence : 
Next day another meiTage brought ; 
The, doctor frighten'd at his fault, 
Is drefs'd, and Healing through the crowd, 
Now pale as death, then blufh'd and bo w'd, 
Panting, andfaultring,humm'd and ha'd. 
Her ladyjhip was gone abroad', 

Tie 



AN APOLOGY. 289 

Ihe taptain too~he dtdmt know 
Vbether he ought to flay or go. 
teg'd (he'd forgive him. In conclufion 
fly lady, pitying his confufiofy 
!ul'd her good nature to relieve him ; 
"old him fhe thought (he might believe 

him; 
Lnd would not only grant his fuit, 
!ut vifit him and eat fome fruit ; 
*rovided, at a proper time, 
Ic told the real truth in rhyme. 
Twas to no purpofe to oppofe, 
he'd hear of no excufe in profe. 
n he do&or flood not to debate, 
tlad to compound at any rate ; 
bowing, feemingly complyM ; 
"hough if he durlt "he had deny'd. 
tat firft refolv'd to mew his tafte 
Pas too refin'd to give a f eaft : 
[e'd treat with nothing that was rare, 
iut winding walks and purer ait ; 
v*buld entertain without expence, 
>r pride, or vain magnificence ; 
or well he knew to fuch a gueft 
*he plainer! meals murV be the beft. 
*o ftomachs clog'd with coftly fare 
implicity alone is rare ; 
Vql. VII. U Whilft 



: 9 o AN APOLOGY. 

Whilft high, and ni"ce, and curious meats, 
Are really but vulgar treats : 
Inflead of fpoils of Perfian looms, 
The coftly boafts of regal rooms, . 
Thought it more courtly and difcreet, _ 
To fcatter rofes at her feet ; 
Rofes of richeft dye, that fhone 
With native luftre, like her own : 
Beauty, that needs no aid of art 
Through every fenfe to reach the heart. 
The gracious dame, though well fhe knew 
All this was much beneath her due, 
Lik'd every thing — at leaft thought fit 
To praife it par maniere cf acquit. 
Yet fhe, though feeming pleas'd, can't bear 
The fcorching fun, or chilling air, 
Difturb'd alike at both extremes, 
Whether he ihews or hides his beams : 
Though feeming pleas'd at all fhe fees 
Starts at the ruffling of the trees; 
And fcarce can fpeak, for want of breath, 
In half a walk fatigu'd to death. 
The doclor takes his hint from hence, 
T'apologize his late oftence : 
" Madam, the mighty pow'r of ufe 
" Now ftrangely pleads in my excufe. 

"If \ 



an apology.; 2 9 t 

u Jf you, unus*d, have* fcarcely ft rength 
" To gain this walk's untoward length ; 
M If, frighten'd at a fcene (o rude, 
" Through long difufeof folitude ; 
u Ifj long confin'd to fires and fcreens, 
" You dread the waving of thefe greens ; 
u If you, who long have breath'd the fumes 
u Of city fogs and crowded rooms, 
u Do now folicitoufly fhun 
K The cooler air, and dazzling fun ; 
" If his majeftic eye you flee, 
u Learn hence t'excufe and pity me. 
" Confider what it is to bear 
u The powder'd courtier's witty fheer \ 
e< To fee' trfimporknt man of drefs 
" Scoffing my college aukwardnefs, 
tt To be the ftrutting cornet's fport ; 
u To run; the gauntlet of the court, . 
B Winning my way by flow approaches, 

* Through crouds of coxcombs and of 

" coaches, 

* From the firft fierce cockaded centry, 

c Quite through the tribe of waiting 

" gentry ; 
1 To pafs fo many crowded ftages, 
And ftand the flaring of your pages ; 
- U 2 " And, 



292 A NEW SIMILE FOR 

" And, after all, to crown my fpleen, 
;" Be told — -.you are not to befeen* 
" Or, if you are, be forc'd to beat 
" The awe of your majeftic air. 
". And can I then be faulty found 
" In dreading this vexatious round? 
" Can it be ftrange, if I efchew 
" A fcene fo glorious and fo new ? 
" Or is he criminal that flies 
" The living luftre of your eyes ?" 



NEW SIMILE 

F O R T H E 

L A D I E S. 

By Dr. SHERIDAN. 

Written in the Year 173 1. 

T often try'd in vain to find 
-*- AJimile for woman-kind, 
AJimile I mean to fit 'em, 
, In every circumftance to hit *em. 

Through 



THE LADIES. z 93 

Through every beaft and bird I went, 
T ranlatik'd ev'ry element, 
Ajid, after peeping through all nature 
lb find fo whuftiical a creature, 
A. c loud prefettted to my view, 
A.nd jfcait this parallel I drew : 

Clouds turn with ev'ry wind about, 
They keep us in fufpence and doubt, 
ifet oft perverfe, like woman-kind,. 
\reieen to feud againft the wind ; 
And are not women juft the fame ? 
?or, who can tell at what they aim ? 

Clouds keep the ftouteft mortals under, 
iVhen bellowing they difcharge their 

thunder ; 
So when th* alarum-bell is rung, 
W * Xantis everlafting tongue, 

• v The;. 

• Xanti,* nick-nanse for , thofe of the prefent age, who. 
[AffTim, that (cold ok glo- are poflefs'd of the like lauda- 
Ous memory, who never let bie talents : for I will confefs, 
tor Socrates have one mo* that I know three in the city 
feat's peace of mind, yet with of Dublin, no way inferior to 
neiatnpled patience he bore Xantippe, but that they have 
fir peftilential tongue..! (hall not as great men to work upon, 
tg the ladiespardon, if I in- When a friend aflced So- 
rt a few paflages concerning crates, how he could bear 
:rj and at the fame time I the fcoldingof his wife Xan- 
lure thetftj it is not to leflcn tippe, he retorted, and aflced 

U 3 him, 



j 9 4 A NEW SIMILE.FQR 

The huiband dreads its loudnefe.njbre 
Than lightning's flaih, or thuoderY ipa^. 

Clouds weep, as they do, without pain, 
And what are tears but womens. jain ? 

The clouds about the welkin roam, 
And ladies never ftay at home, . 

The clouds build caftfes iji the air, . 
A thing peculiar to the fair j 
For all the fchemes of their forecafting 
Are not more folid, nor morelaftirig. 



him how be could bear the 
gaggling of his geefe. Ay, but 
my geefe lay eggs for me, re- 
ply'd his friend. So doth my 
wife bear children, faid So- 
crates. Diog s LaerU 

Being afked another time by 
m friend, how he could bear 
her tongue, he faid, {he was 
of this ufe 10 him, that {he 
faught him to bear the imper- 
tinences of others with more 
eafe when he went abroad. 
Plut de capiend. exhojl. utilit. 
Socrates invited hisfriend 

EUTHYDEMUS to fuppcr 5 

Xantifpe in great rage 
went in to them, and ova let 
the table; Euthydemus ri- 
fip;: in a p.ifiion to go off, My 
dour Iriend fLiy, faid Socra* 



TES ; did not a hen do the 
fame thing at your houie the 
other day, and did I (hew 
any refentment ? Plut: de in 
cobtbendai 

I could give many more in- 
fiances of her termagancy^tnd 
his philofophy, if fuch a pro- 
ceeding might not look as if I 
were glad of an opportunity to 
expofe the fair fex * but, to 
(hew I have no fuch defign, 1 
declare,that 1 had much wort 
ftories to tell of her behaviour 
to her hufband, which I rather 
paffed over, on account of the 
great efteem which I bear the 
ladies, efpecially thofe in the 
honourable ftation of n&atti- 
mony. 

A cloud 



THE LADIES. 295 

A cloud is light by turns, and dark, 
Such is a lady with her Ipark \ 
Now with a fudden pouting gloom 
Shefeem to darken all the room ; 
Again (he's pleas'd, his fears beguil'd. , 
And all is clear when fhe has fmil'd. 
In this they're wondroufly alike 
(I hope thefanile will ftrike), 
Though in thedarkeftdumps you view'em, 
Stay but a moment you'll fee through 'em. 

The clouds are apt to make reflection, 
And frequently produce infe&ioh ; 
So C<elia y with fmall provocation, 
Blafts ev'ry neighbour's reputation. 

The clouds delight in gaudy mow, 
For they, like ladies, have their beau ; 
The graveft matron will confefs, 
That fhe herfelf is fond ofdrefs. 

.• Obferve the clouds in pomp array 'd, 
What various colours are difplay'd, 
^The pink, the rofe, the vi'let's dye, 
' |}i that great drawing-room the fky ; 
How do thefe differ from our graces. 
In garden-filks, brocades, and laces ? 

U 4 Ar« 



a 9 6 A NEW SIMILE FOR 

Are they not fuch another fight, 
When met upon a birth-day night ? 

The clouds delight to change their 
fafhion : 
Dear ladies, be not in a pafilon, 
Nor let this whim to you feem ffcrange, 
Who ev'ry hour delight in change. 

In them and you alike are (een 
The fullen fymptoms of the fpleen ; i 
The moment that your vapours rife, 
We fee them dropping from your eyes. ' 

In ev'ning fair you may behold 
The clouds are fring'd with borrowed gpldi 
And this is many a lady's cafe, 
Who flaunts about in * borrow'd lace. 

Grave matrons are like <:/W&of faow, 
Their words fall thick, and foft and flow, 
While brifk coquets, like rattling hail, 
Our ears on ev'ry fide afiail. 

Clouds, when they intercept our fight, 
Deprive us of celeftial light.: 

i 

* Not FlaruUrs lace, but to pay, as many of them Hi 
gold and filter lace. By bor- for Frtnch filver lace againt 
rowed, is meant fuch as run % the laft birth-day. Vil A* 
in honeft tradefmen's debts * Jlnpkitptrs hoiks % 



for what they were not able 



So 



THE LADIES. 297 

Jo when my Cbloe I purfue, . 
So heaven befides I have in view. 

Thus, on companion, you fee, 
[n ev'ry inftance they agree, 
So like, fo very much the fame, 
That one may go by Mother's name. 
Let me proclaim it then aloud, 
That cv'ry woman is a cloud. 

THE 

ANSWER. 

PRefumptuous bard I how could you 
dare 
A woman with a cloud compare ? 
Strange pride and infolence you mow, 
Inferior mortals there below. 
And is our thunder in your ears 
So frequent or fb loud as theirs ? 
Alas ! our thunder foon goes out ; 
Anid only makes you more devout. 
Then is not female clatter worfe, 
That drives you not to pray, but curfe f 

We hardly thunder thrice a year ; 
The bolt difcharg'd, the {ky grows clear: 

But 



29 8 THE ANSWER. 

But ev'ry fubluriary dowdy, 

The more (he fcblds, the more (he's cloudy. 

Some critick may object, perhaps, 
, That clouds are blam'd for giving claps ; 
But what, alas \ are claps aethereal, 
Compar*d for mifchief to venereal ? 
Can clouds give bubo's, ulcers, blotches, 
Or from your nofes dig out notches ? 
We leave the body fweet and found ; 
We kill, 'tis true, but never wound. 

' You know a cloudy fky befpeaks 
Fair weather when the morning breaks; 
But women in a cloudy plight 
Foretell a ftorm to laft. till night. 

A cloud 'in proper feafons pours 
His bleflings down in fruitful fhow'rs ; 
But woman was by rate defign'd 
To pour down curfes on mankind. 

When * Sirius o'er the welkin rages, 
Our kindly help his fire aflwages ; 
But woman is a curft inflamer, 
No pariih ducking-itool can tame her : 

• Thedog-ftar. 

To 



THE ANSWER. 299 

> kindle ft rife dame nature < taught her; 
ke fire-works fhe can hum in water. 

Forficklenefs how durft you blame us, 
r ho for our conftancy are famous ? 
3u'U fee a cloud, in gentle weather 
2ep the fame face an hour together ; 
hile women, if it could be reckon'd, 
lange ev'ry feature ev'ry fecond. 

Obferve our figure in a morning, 
f foul or fair we give you warning ; 
ut can you guefs from woman's air 
ne minute, whether foul or fair ? 

Go read in ancient books enrolled 
fhat honours we poflefs'd of old. 

To difappoint Ixioris rape 
f OVE dreft a cloud in Junos fliape ; 
f hich when he had enjoy'd, he fwore, 
To goddefs could havepleas'd him more; 
\o difference could he find between 
lis cloud and Joves imperial queen : 
lis cloud produc'd a race of centaurs 
am'd for a thoufand bold adventures ; 
'rom us defcended ab origine^ 
\y learned authors call'd nubigenne y 

But 



3 oo THE ANSWER. ' 

Bu t fay, what earthly nymph do you know, 
So beautiful to pafs for Juno f 

Before JEneas durft afpire 
To court her majefty of Tyre, 
His mother beg a of us to drefs him, 
That Dido might the more carefs him : 
A coat we gave him, dy'd in grain, 
& flaxen wig and clouded cane 
(The wig was powder'd round with fleet, 
Which fell in clouds beneath his feet), 
With which he made a tearing {how ; 
And Dido quickly fmoaKdthe beau* 

Among your females make enquiries, 
What nymph on earth fo fair as Iris f 
With heav nly beauty Co endow'd ? 
And yet her father is a cloud. 
We drefs'd her in a gold brocade, 
Befitting Juno's fav'rite maid. 

'Tis known, that Socrates the Wife 
Ador'd us clouds as deities ; 
To us he made his daily prayers, 
As Ariftophanes declares ; 
From Jupiter took all dominion, 
And dy'd defending his opinion. 

By 



THE ANSWER. ,301 

ly his authority 'tis. plain 
fou worfhip other gods in vain, ' 
Vnd from your own experience know 
We govern all things there below. • '.: 
fou follow where we pleafe to guide, * 
)'er all your paffions we prefide, 
Dan raife them up, or fink them down, 
\s we think fit to faille or frown : 
Vnd, jqft as we difpofe your brain, 
\re witty, dull, rejoice, complain. 

Compare us then to female race ! 
We, to whom all the gods give place : 
Who better challenge your allegiance, 
Becauie we dwell in higher regions : 
fou find the gods., in Homer dwell 
[n feas and dreams or low as hell : 
£v'n Jove, and Mercury his pimp, 
No higher climb than mount Olymp 
Who makes you think the clouds he 

pierces ? 
fie pierce the clouds / he kils their a — es). 
While we, o'er Teneriffa plac'd, 
A.re loftier by a mile at leaft: 
And when Apollo ftruts on Pindus, 
We fee him from our. kitchen windows; 

Or 



332 THE ANSWER. 

Or to Parnaffus, looking down, 

Can pifs upon his laurel crown. 

... ■* r , i. 

Fate never form'd the gods to. fly ; 
In vehicles they mount the fky : 
When JOVE would fomeriair . nymph 

inveigle, 
Pie comes full gallop on his eagle. 
Though Venus be as light as air, ' 
She muft have doves to draw her chair. . 
Apollo ftirs not out of door 
Without his lacker'd coach and four; 
And jealous Juno, ever fnarling, . 
Is drawn by peacocks in her berlin : 
But we can fly where'er we pleafe, 
O'er cities, rivers, hills, and feas : 
From eaft to weft the world we roam,, 
And in all climates are at home ; . 
With care provide you as we go 
With fun- mine, rain, and hail, or fnow. 
You, when it rains, like fools believe 
JOVE pifles on you through a fieve : 
An idle tale, 'tis no fuch matter ; 
We only dip a fpunge in water ; 
Then fqueeze itclofe between our thumbs, 
And make it well, and down it comes. 

As. 



THEANSWER. 303 

is you fhall to you r forrow know ; 
Ve'll watch your fleps where'er you go: 
bid, fince we find you walk a-fbot, 
Ve'll foundry fouce your frize furtout. 

"Tis but by our peculiar grace, 
^hat Phoebus ever fliews his face : 
or when we pleafe we open wide 
)ur curtains blue from fide to fide : 
bid then how Jaucily he mews 
lis brazen face, and fiery nofe ; 
Lnd gives himfelf a haughty air, 
lis if he made the weather fair ! 

'Tis rung, wherever Ccelia treads, 
The vi'lets ope their purple heads ; 
The rofes blow, the cowflip fprings ; 
Tis fung ; but we know better things. 
Tis true, a woman on her mettle 
Vill often pifs upon a nettle ; 
kit, though we own fhe makes it wetter, 
The nettle never thrives the better ; 
Vhile we, by foft prolific fhow'rs, 
'an ev'ry fpring produce you flow'rs. 

Your poets, Chloes beauty heightning, 
Compare her radiant eyes to lightning ; 

And 



3<h TIM AND THE FABLES. 

And yet I hope 'twill be allow'd, 
That lightning comes but from a cloud. 

But gods like us have too much ferie 
At poets flights to take offence : 
Nor can hyperboles demean us $ 
Each drab has been compar'd to Venus. 

We own your verfes are melodious ; 
But fuch companions are odious. 

TIM and /^FABLES. 
From the Tenth Intelligencer, 

Ti/fT meaning will be befi unrcwetd, 
J-V1~ Wbenl premife that Tim has tr* 

veld. 
In Lucas's by chance there lay 
The fables writ by Mr. Gay, 
Tim fet the volume on a table, 
Read over here and there a fable ; 
And found, as he the pages twirl'd, 
The monkey who had feen the world 
(For Ton/on had, to help the fide, 
Prefixt a cut to evYy tale). 

5 The 



TIM AND THE FABLES. 305 

The monkey was completely dreft, 

The beau in all his airs expreft. 

7tm, with furprize and pleafure daring, 

Ran to the glafs ; and then, comparing 

His own fweet figure with the print, 

Diftinguilh'd ev'ry feature in't, 

The twift, the fqueeze, the rump, the 

fidge and all, 
Juft as they lookt in the original. 

By , fays Tim, (and let a f ) 

This graver underftood his art. 
Tis a true copy, I'll fay that for't ; 
! well remember when I fat for't. 
Ay very face, as firft I knew it ; 
Tuft in this drefs the painter drew it. 
r?w, with his likenefs deeply fmitten, 
Vou'd read what underneath was writ- 
ten, 
The merry tale with moral grave. 
Se now began to ftorm and rave ; 
s The curfed villain ! now I fee 
: This was a libel meant at me ; 
: Thofe fcriblers grow fo bold of late 
: Againft us minifters of ftate, 
Such Jacobites as he deferve, — 
Damme, I fay, they ought to ftarve. 

Vol. VII. X Dear 



3 o6 TIM AND THE FABLES. 

Dear Tim, no morefuch angry fpeechts % 
Unbutton and let down your breeches^ 

Tear out the tale and wipe your a , 

/ knowyou love to a£t a farce*. 

* Of the Xth [Intellig.] I ly lines. Letters to andftm 
writ only the verfes, and of Dr. Swift. LXL 
thole, not the four laft floven- 



posthu- 



POSTHUMOUS 



I E C E S 



IN VERSE. 



X 2 



IE 
Jr 

fa 

If-'! 
4" '* 

' 'i. 



1 



t 3°9 ] 

JDE to the Athenian Society. 

Moor-Piirk, Feb. 14, 169ft 

t S when the deluge firft began to fall, 
That mighty ^bb never to flow again 
"hen this huge body's moifture was fo great, 
t quite o'ercame the vital heat), 
at mountain, which was higheft firft of ally 
jear'd above the univerfal main, 
blefs the primitive Tailor's weary fight J 
d 'twas perhaps Parnaffus, if in height 
t be as great as 'tis ift fame, 
bid nigh to heaven as is its name : 
after th' inundation of war, 
len learning's little houfhold did embark 
th her world's fruitful fyftem in her facred 

ark, 
it the firft ebb of noife and fears, 
lofophy's exalted head appears ; 
I the dove-mufe will now no longer ftay, 
plumes her filver wings, and flies away; 
,nd now a laurel wreath fhe brings from far* 
V> crown the happy eonqueror, 

(hew the flood begins to ceafe, 

1 brings the dear reward of vi&ory and 

peace. 

X 3 II. The 



i 



310 ODE TO THE 

II. 

The eager mufc took wing upon the waves de- 
cline, 
When war her cloudy afpe&juft withdrew, 
When the bright fun of peace began to fliine, 
And for a while in heav nly contemplation fat 

On the high top of peaceful Ararat ; 
And pluckM a laurel branch (for laurel was the 

firft that grew, 
The firft of plants after the thunder, ftorm and 
rain), 
And thence, with joyful, nimble wing, 
Flew dutifully back again, 
And made an humble * chaplet for the king. 

And the dove-mufe is fled once more 
(Glad of the viftory, yet frighted at the war), 
And now difcovers from afar 
A peaceful and a flourifhing fhore : 
No fooner did (he land 
On the delightful ftrand, 
Than ftraight (he fees the country all around, 
Where fatal Neptune ruPd erewhile, 
Scattered with flow'ry vales, with fruitful 
crown'd, 
And many a pleafant wood ! 

* The Ode I writ to the king in Ireland* 

S A» 



ATHENIAN SOCIETY 3 n 

As if the uniyerfal Nile 
Had rather water'd it than drown'd : 
It feems fome floating piece of paradife, 
Preferv'd by wonder from the flood, 
Long wand'ring through the deep, as we are 
told 
FamMD^didofold, 
And the tranfported mufe imagined it 
To be a fitter birth-place for the God of wit, 
Or the much-talk'd oracular grove ; 
When with amazing joy fhe hears 
An unknown mufick all around 
Charming her greedy ears 
With many a heavenly fong 
3f nature and of art, of deep philofbphy and 

love, 
fcVhilil angels tune the voice, and God infpires 
the tongue. 
In vain fhe catches at the empty found, 
n vain purfues the mufick with her longing 
eye, 
And courts the wanton echoes as they fly. 

III. 

'ardon, ye great unknown, and far-exalted men, 
"he wild excurfions of a youthful pen ; 

Forgive a young and (almoft) virgin-mufe, 

Whom blind and eager curiofity 

X 4 (Yet 



3 i2 ODE TO THE 

(Yet curiofity, they lay, 
Is in he r fex a crime needs no excufe) 

Has forcM to grope her uncouth way 
After a mighty light that leads her wand'ring 

eye. 

No wonder then (he quits the narrow pathof 
fenfe 
For a dear ramble through impertinence ; 
Impertinence, the fcurvy of mankind. 
And all we fools, who are the greater part of it, 
Though we be of two different fa&ions ftilli 

Both the good-natur'd and the ill, 
Yet wherefoe'er you look, you'll always find 
We join like flies, and waff s, in buzzing about 
wit. 
In me, who am of the firft feft of thefe, 
All merit, that tranfeends the humble rules 
Of my own dazzled fcanty fenfe, 
Begets a kinder folly and impertinence 

Of admiration and of praife. 
And our good brethren of the furly feft 

Mnft e'en all herd us with their kindred fools: 
For though, poflefs'd of prefent vogue, they've 
made 
Railing a rule of wit, and obloquy a trade ; 
Yet the fame want of brains produces each 
effeft. 



And 



ATHENIAN SOCIETY. 3 tj 

And you whom Pluto's helm does wifely 
ihroud 
From us the blind and thoughtlefs croud, 
Like the fam'd hero in his mothers cloud, 
Who both our follies and impertinencics fee, 
Do laugh perhaps at theirs, and pity mine and 
me. 

IV. 

But cenfure's to be underftood 
Th' authentic mark of the eleft, 
The public ftamp heav'n fets on all that's great 
and good 
Our (hallow fearch and judgment to diredt 
The war methinks has made 
Our wit and learning narrow as our trade ; 
[nitead of boldly failing far to buy 
A. flock of wifdom and philofophy, 

We fondly ftay at home, in fear 
Of ev'ry cenfuring privateer ; 
Forcing a wretched trade by beating down the 
fale, 
And felling bafely by retail. 
The wits, I mean the athcifts of the age, 
Who fain would rule the pulpit as they do the 
ftage ; 
Wond'rous refiners of philofophy, 
Of morals and divinity. 

By 



3 i4 ODE TO THE 

By the new modifh fyftcm of reducing all to 
fenfe, 
Againft all logick and concluding laws, 
Do own th' cffefts of Providence, 
And yet deny the caufe. 

This hopeful fe&, now it begins to fee 
How little, very little do prevail 

Their firft and chiefeft force 
To cenfure, to cry down, and rail, 
Not knowing what, or where, or who you be f 
Will quickly take another courfe : 

And, by their never-failing ways 

Of folving all appearances they pleafe, 

We foon (hall fee them to their ancient methods 

fall, 
And ftraight deny you to be men, or any thing 
at all. 
I laugh at the grave anfwer they will make, 
Which they have always ready, general and cheap: 
'Tis but to fay, that what we daily meet, 
And by a fond miftake 
Perhaps imagine to be wond'rous wit, 
And think, alas ! to be by mortals writ, 
Is but a croud of atoms juftling in a heap, 

Which from eternal feeds begun, 
Juftling fome thoufand years till ripen'd by the 
fun; 

Thc/rc 



ATHENIAN SOCIETY. 3 i S 

They're now, juft now, as naturally born, 
As from the womb of earth a field of corn. 

VI. 

But as for poor contented me, 
iVho muft my weaknefs and my ignorance con* 

fcfs, 
That I believe in much I ne'er can hope to fee ; 
Methinks I'm fatisfy'd to guefs, 
That this new, noble and delightful fcene 
[s wonderfully mov'd by fome exalted men, 

Who have well ftudied in the world's difeafe 
[That epidemic error and depravity, 
Or in our judgment or our eye), 
That what furprizes us can only pleafe. 
We often fearch contentedly the whole world 
round 
To make fome great difcovery, 
And fcorn it when 'tis found. 
Juft fo the mighty Nile has fuffer'd in its fame, 

Becaufe 'tis faid (and perhaps only faid) 
We've found a little inconfiderable head, 

That feeds the huge unequal ftream. 
Coniider human folly, and you'll quickly own, 

That all the praifes it can give, 
By which fome fondly boaft they (hall for ever 
live, 

Won't 



3 \6 ODE TO THE 

Won't pay th' impertinence of being known : 
Elfe why fhould the fam'd Lydian king, 
Whom all the charms of an ufurped wife and 

ftate, 
With all that power unfelt, courts mankind to 
be great, 
Did with new unexperieric'd glories wait,? 
Still wear, ftill doat on his invifible ring ? 

VIL 

Were I to form a regular thought of fame, 
Which is perhaps as hard t'imagine right 
As to paint echo to the fight ; 
I would not draw th' idea from an empty name} 
Becaufe, alas ! when we all die, 
Carelefs and ignorant pofterity, 
Although they praife the learning and the wit* 

And though the title fecms to fhow 
The name and man by whom the book was 
writ, 
Yet how fhall they be brought to know, 
Whether that very name was he, or you, or I? 
Lefs fhould I daub it o'er with tranfitory praife, 

And water-colours of thefe days : 
Thefe days ! where e'en th' extravagance of poe- 
try 
Is at a lofs for figures to exprefs 
Mens folly, whimfies, and inconffancy, 

c And 



ATHENIAN SOCIETY, 317 

And by a faint defcription makes them lefs. 
Then tell us, what is fame, where (hall we fearch 

for it? 
Look where exalted virtue and religion fit 
Enthron'd with heav'nly wit, 
Look where you fee 
The greateft fcorn of learned vanity 
(And then how much a nothing is mankind ! 
Whofe reafon is weigh' d down by popular air, 
Who by that, vainly talks of baffling death ; 
And hopes to lengthen life by a transfufion of 
breath, 
Which yet whoe'er examines right will find 
To be an art as vain as bottling up of wind) : 
And when you find out thefe, believe true fame 
15 there, 
Far above all reward, yet to which all is due ; 
Asd this, ye great unknown, is only known iq 
you. 

VIII. 

The juggling fea-god, when by chance tre- 
pan'd 
By fome inftrufted querift fleeping on the fand, 

Impatient of all anfwers, ftrait became 
' A ftealing brook, and ftrove to creep away 
Into his native fca, 

Vcxt 



3 i8 ODE TO THE 

Vextat their follies, murmurM in his dream J 
But, difappointed of his fond defire , 
Would vanifh in a pyramid of fire. 
This furly flipp'ry God, when he defign'4 

To furnifli his efcapes, 
Ne'er borrow'd more variety of fhapes 
Than you to pleafe and fatisfy mankind, 
And feem (almoft) transformed to water, flame, 
and air, 
So well you anfwer all phenomena's there: 
Though madmen and the wits, philofophers and 

fools, 
With all that faftious or enthuliaftic dotards 

dream, 
And all the incoherent jargon of the fchools ; 
Though all the fumes of fear, hope, love, and 
fhame, 
Contrive to fhock your minds with many a fenfe- 

lefs doubt ; 
Doubts where the Delphic God would grope in 
ignorance and night, 
The God of learning and of light 
Would want a God * himfelf to help him 
out. 



IX. Phi- 



- ATHENIAN SOCIETY. 319 

IX. 

Philofophy, as it before us lies, 

ans to have borrowed fome ungrateful tafte 

Of doubts, impertinence, and niceties, 

From every age through which it pafs'd, 
t always with a ftronger relifh of the laft. 
This beauteous queen, byheav'n defign'd 
To be the great original 
r man to drefs and polifli his uncourtly mind, 
what mock habits have they put her fince the 

" Vail! 
More oft in fools and madmens hands than 
fages, 

She feems a medley of all ages, 
ith a huge fardingale to fwell her fuftian fluff, 
A new commode, a top-knot and a ruff, 
Her face patch'd o'er with modern pedantry, 

With a long fweeping train 
comments and difputes, ridiculous and vain, 

All of old cut with a new dye: 

How foon have you reftor'd her charms 
&nd rid her of her lumber and her books, 

Dreft her again genteel and neat, 
And rather tight than great ! 
>w fond we are to court her to our arms ! 
How much of heav'n is in her naked looks I 

X.Thus 



3 zo ODE TO THE . 

Thus the deluding mufe oft blinds mc to her 
ways, 
And ev'n my very thoughts transfers 
And changes all to beauty, and the praife 
Of that proud tyrant fex of hers. 
The rebel mufe, alas ! takes part 
But with my own rebellious heart, 
And you with fatal and immortal wit confpire 
To fan th f unhappy fire. 
Cruel unknown I what is it you intend ? 
Ah! could you, could you hope a poet for your 
friend ! 
Rather forgive wjiat my firft tranfport (aid: 
May all the blood, which (hall by woman's fcorn 
be (hed, 
Lie upon you and on your childrens head ; 
For you (ah ! did I think I e'er (hould live to 
fee 
The fatal time when that could be !) 
Have e'en increas'd their pride and cruelty* 
Woman feems now above all vanity grown, 
Still boafting of her great unknown 
Platonic champions, gained without one female 
wile, ■ 
Or the vaft charges of a (mile ; 

Which 



ATHENIAN SOCIETY. 321 

Which 'tis a fhame how much of late 
YouVe taught the cov'tous wretches to o'er- 
rate, 
And which they've now the confeiences to weigh 
In the lame balance with our tears, 
And with fuch fcanty wages pay 
The bondage and the flavery of years. 
Let the vain fex dream on, their empire comes 
from us, 
And had they common generofity 
They would not ufe us thus, 

Well though you've rais'd her to this 

high degree, 

Ourfelves are rais'd as well as fhe ; 
And fpight of all that they or you can do, 
'Tis pride and happinefs enough to me 
Still to be of the fame exalted fex with you. 



XL 



Alas, how fleeting and how vain, 
If even the nobler man, our learning and our 
wit! 

I figh whene'er I think of it : 
As at the clofing of an unhappy fcene 
Of fome great king and conqu'ror's 
death, 
When the fad melancholy mufe 
Stays but to catch his utmoft breath. 
Vol. VII. Y I grieve, 



3 2i ODE TO TB£ 

1 grieve, this nobler work moft happily be- 
gun* 
So quickly andfo wonderfully carry'd on, 

May fall at laft to iatereft, folly and abuie. 
There is a noon-tide in our lives, 
Which ftill the fooncr it arrives, 
Although we boaft our winter-fun looks bright 
And fooliflily are glad to fee it at its height, 
Yet fo much fooner comes the long and gloomy 
night. 
No conquefl: ever yet begun, 
And by one mighty hero carried to its height, 
E'er flourifh'd under a fupccflbr or a fon ; 
It loft fome mighty pieces through all hands it 

paft, 
And vanifhM to an empty title inthe laft. 
For when the animating mind is fled, 
(Which nature never can retain, 
Nor e'er call back again) 
The body, though gigantic, lies all cold and dead. 

XII. 

And thus undoubtedly 'twill fere, 
With what unhappy men fhall dare 
To be fucceflbrs to thefe great unknown, 
On learning's high-eftablifli'd throne. • 
Cenfurc, and pedantry, and pride, 
Numberlefs nations, ftretching far and wide, 



ATHENIAN SOCIETY. 323 

Bkail (1 forefee it) foon with Gothic fwarms come 
forth 
From ignorance's univerfal north, 
And with blind rage break all this peaceful go- 
vernment : 
Yfet (hall thefe traces of your wit remain. 
Like a juft map, to tell the vaft extent 
Of conqueft in your fhort and happy reign ; 
And to all future mankind ihew 
How ftrange a paradox is true, 
That men who livM and dy'd without a name, 
Are the chief heroes in the facred lift of fame. 



Y z ODE 



1 3*4 ] 
*0 D E 

To the Hon. Sir. WILLIAM TEMPLE. 

Written at Moor-park, June 1689. 

VIRTUE, the greateft of all monarchies, 
Till its firft emperor rebellious man 
Depos'd from off his feat 
It fell, and broke with its own weight 
Into fmall ftates and principalities, 

By many a petty lord poflefsM, 
But ne'er fince feated in one fingle breaft. 

'Tis you who muft this land fubdue, 
The mighty conqueft's left for you, 
The conqueft and difcovery too ; 
Search out this Utopian ground, 
Virtue's Terra incognita, 
Where none ever led the way, 
Nor ever fince but in defcriptions found, 

Like the philofopher's ftone, 
With rules to fearch it, yet obtain' d by none. 

* When the author's poft- in Inland, this and the fore- 
burnous pieces were reprinted going ode were omitted, 

U.We 



ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE, 325 

II. 

We have too long been led aftray, 
00 long have our mifguided fouls been taught 
With rules from mufty morals brought, 
*Tis you muft put in the way ; 
Let us (for fhame) no more be fed 
With antique reliques of the dead, 
The gleanings of philofbphy> 
Philofophy, the lumber of the fchools, 
The roguery of alchy my ; 
And we the. bubbled fools 
>end all our pref^nt life in hopes of golden rules. 

III. 

nt what does our proud ignorance learning 
call? 
We odly Plato s paradox make good, 
ur knowledge is but mere remembrance all y 

Remembrance is our treafure and our food; 
ature's fair table-book, our tender fouls, 
f e fcrawl all o'er with old and empty rules, 
Stale memorandums of the fchools : 
For learning's mighty treafures look 
In that deep grave a book,. 
Think that (he there does'all her treafures hide,, 
nd that her troubled ghoft ftill haunts there 
fince (he dy'd. 

Y 3 Confine 



326 ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. 

Confine her walks to colleges and fchools, 

Her priefts/her train and followers flipw 
As if they all were fpe&res tpo, 
They purchafe knowledge at the cxpcnce 
Of common breeding, common fenfe, 
And at once grow fcholars and fools ; 
Affeft ill-manner ? d pedantry, 

Rudenefs, ill-nature, incivility, 

And fick with dregs of knowledge grown. 
Which greedily they fwallow down, 

Still call it up and nanfeate company. 

IV. 

Curft be the wretch, nay doubly curftj 

(If it may lawful be 
To curfe our grpat enemy) 
Who learnt himfelf that herefy firft 
(Which fince has feiz'd on all the reft) 
That knowledge forfeits all humanity j 
Taught us, like Spaniards, to be proud and 
poor, 
And fling our fcraps before our door. 
Thrice happy you have 'fcapt this general peft ; 
Thofe mighty epithets, lcarn'd, good, andgreat^ 
Which we ne'er join'd before, but in romance^ 
meet, 



\yc 



ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. py 

Vc find in you at laft % united grown. 

You cannot be compar'd to one, 
I muft, like hinj that pointed Vev&? &ce, 
Borrow from every one a grace ; 
rgil and Epicurus will not do, 

Their courting a retreat like you, 
alefs I put in Cafar's learning too, 

Your happy frame at once controlls 
yhis great triumvirate of fouls. 

•v. 

* not old Rome boaft Fabiu? fate, 

He fav'd his country by delays, • 
But you by peace. 

You bought it at a cheaper ;rate ; 
>r has it left the ufual bloody fear, 

To (hew it cofl: its price in war, 
ar ! that mad game the world fo loves to play, 

And for it does fo dearly pay ; 
r though with lofs or viftory a while 

Fortune the gamefters does beguile, 
t at the laftthe box fweeps all away. 



V * VI, Only 



328 ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. 

VI. 

Only the laurel got by peace 
No thunder e'er can blaft, 
Th f artillery of the fkies 

Shoots to the earth and dies; 
Nor ever green and flourishing 'twill laft, 
Nor dipt in blood, nor widows tears nor or- 
phans cries* 
About the head crown'd with thefe bays, 
Like lambent fire the lightning plays ; 
Nor, its triumphal cavalcade to grace, 

Make up its folemn train with death ; 
It melts the fword of war, yet keeps it in the 
fheath. 

VII. 

The wily fhifts of ftate, thofe jugglers tricks 
Which we call deep defigns and politicks 
(As in a theatre the ignorant fry, 

Becaufe the cords efcape their eye, 
Wonder to fee the motions fly) ; 
Methinks, when you expofe the fcene, 
Down the ill-organM engines fall ; 
Offflv the vizards and difcover all : 

How plain I fee through the deceit ! 
How (hallow ! and how grofs the cheat ! 

Look 



ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. 329. 

Look where % the pully's ty*d above ! 
Great God ! (faid I) what have I feen ! 

On what poor engines move 
he thoughts of monarchs, and deligns of 

ftates ! 
What petty motives rule their fates ! 
!ow the moufe makes the mighty mountain 

(hake ! 
'he mighty mountain labours with its birth, 
Away the frighted peafants fly, 
Scar'd at th* unheard-of prodigy, 
xpeft fome great gigantic fon of earth ; 
Lo ! it appears ! 
See how they tremble ! how they quake ! 
>ut ftarts the little beaft, and mocks their idle 
fears. 

VIII. 

Then tell (dear favYite mufe) 

What ferpent's that which ftill reforts, 

Still lurks in palaces and courts ? 

Take thy unwonted flight, 

And on the terrace light. 
See where (he lies ! 

See how (he rears her head, 

And rolls about her dreadful eyes, 
To drive all virtue out, or look it dead ! 

1 'Twas 



33o ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. 

'Twas fure this hafilifk fent temple tjjence, 
And though as fcpne ('tis laid) for thdf de* 
fence 

Have worn a cafe#ien]t/o % er- their fkin, 
So he wore his within, 
Made up of virtue and tranfparent innocence ; 

And though he oft xenew'd the figltf, 
And almoft got priority of fight, 

He ne'er could overcome her quite, 
{In pieces cut, the viper ffcll did reunite) 

Till at laft, tir'd with lofs of time and cafe, 
RefolvM to give himfelf, as well as county 

peace. 

U f 

Sing (belovM mufe) the pleafures of retreat, 
And in fome untouched virgin ftrain 
Shew the delights thy lifter nature yields, 
Sing of thy vales, ling of thy woods ; fing of thy 
fields ; 
Go publjfh o ? er the plain 
How mighty a prpfelyte you gain ! 
How noble a reprifal on the great ! 

How is tne mufe luxuriant grown ! 
Whene'er Ihe takes this flight 
She foars clear out of fight. 
Thefearethe paradifes of her own; 



. ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. 331 

(The pcgafus, like an unruly horfe. 
Though ne'er fi> gently led 
To the lov'd pafture where he us'd to feed. 
Runs violently o'er his ufual courfe). 
Wake from thy wantpn dreams, 

Come from thy dear-lov'd ftreams, 
The crooked paths of wandering lbames 7 
Fain the fair nymph would ftay, 
Oft (he looks back in vain, 
Oft 'gainft her fountain does complain, 

'Aijd foftly fteals in many winding? 

down, 
As loth to fee the hated court an4 
town, 
And murmurs as flie glides away. 

X, 

In this new happy fcene 
Are nobler fubjedts for your learned pen ; 
Here we exped from you 
More than your predeceflbr, Adam> knew ; 
Whatever moves our wonder, or our 

fport, 
Whatever ferves for innocent emblems 
of the court; 
How that which we a kernel fee, 
(Whofe well-compafted forms efcape the light, 
Unpierc'd by the blunt rays of fight) 
Shall ere long grow into a tree,* 

Whence 



33 z ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. 

Whence takes it its increafe, and whence its birtft^ 
Qr from the fun, or from the air* or from the; 
earth, 

Where all the fruitful atoms lie* 
How fome go downward to the root, 
Some more ambitioufly upwards fly, 
And form the leaves, the branches, and the 

fruit. 
You ftrove to cultivate a barren court in vain,. 
Your garden's better worth your noble pain, 
Here mankind fell, and hence muft rife again. 

XL 

Shall I believe a fpirit fo divine 

Was caft in the fame mold with mine ?• 
Why then does nature fo unjuftly ihare 
Among her elder fons the whole eftate, 

And all her jewels and her plate ? 
Poor we, cadets of heav'n, not worth her care, 
Take up atbeft with lumber and the leavings of 
a fare : 

Some (he binds 'prentice to the fpade, 
Some to the drudgery of a trade, 
Some fhe does to Egyptian bondage draw, 
Bids us make bricks, yet fends us to look out for 
ftraw : 
Some fhe condemns for life to try 
To dig the leaden mines of deep philofophy : 

Afc 



ODE TO SIR W. TEMPLE. ^ 
Me (he has to the mufe's gallies tied, 
hi vain I ftrive to crofs this fpacious main, 
In vain I tug and pull the oar, 
And when I almoft reach the more. 
Straight the mufe turns the helm, and I launch 
/ out again : 

And yet, to feed my pride, 
Whene'er I mourn, flops my complaining 

breath, 
With promife of a mad reverfion after death. 

XII.' 

Then (Sir) accept this worthlefs verfe, 
The tribute of an humble mufe* 
Pis all the portion of my niggard ftars ; 
Mature the hidden fpark did at my birth in* 

fiife, 
Lnd kindled firft with indolence and eafe ; 

And fince too oft debauch'd by praife, 
ris now grown an incurable difeafe : 
a vain to quench this foolifh fire I try 
In wifdom and philofophy ; 
In vain all wholefome herbs I fow, 

Where nought but weeds will grow. 
Vhate'er I plant (like corn on barren earth) 
By an equivocal birth 
Seeds and runs up to poetry. 

On 



f 334 j 

On f)AN JACKSON's PiSlure cut 
in Paper* 

TO fair lady Betty Dan fat for his 
pi&ure, 
And defy'd her to draw him fo oft as he 

fiqud her : 
He knew fhe'd no pencil or colouring 

by her, 
And therefore he thought he might fefe- 

ly defy her. 
Come fit, fays my lady, then whips up 

her fciflar, 
And cuts out his coxcomb in (ilk in a 

trice, Sir. 
Dan fat with attention, and few with 

furprize 
How ihe lengthen'd his chin, how die 

hollow'd his eyes, 
But flatter'd himfelf with a fecret conceit, 
That his thin leathern jaws all her art 

wou'd defeat. 
Lady Betty obferv'd it, then pulls out a pin, 
And varies the grain of the ftuffto his grin; 
And to make roafled filk to refemblehb 

raw- bone, 
She rais'd up a thread to the jett of his 

jaw- bone 5 Till 



ON DAN J ACfcSOtf. 335 
Till at length in exa&eft proportion he rofe, 
From the crown of his head to the arch of 

his nofe. 
And if lady Betty had drawn him with wig 

and all, 
'Tis certain the copy had out-done the 

original. 
Well, that's but my out- fide, fays Dan 

with a vapour. 
Say you fo? fays my lady; I've lin*d it 

with paper. 

P D- fculpfit. 

Another. 

CLARISSA draws her fcuTars from 
the cafe 
To draw the lines of poor Dan Jackforis 

face. 
Oneflopingcut made forehead, nofe, and ] 
cnin, I 

A nick produced a mouth and made himy 

grin> 1 

. Such as in taylor's meafure you have feen. J 
But ftill were wanting his grimalkin eyes, 
For which grey worfted-ftocking paint 
fupplies. 

Th* 



336 ON DAN JACKSON. 

Th' unravel'd thread thro' needle's eye 
convey VI 

Transferr'd itfelf into his pafte-board head. 

How came the fcuTars to be thus out-done? 

The needle had an eye, and they had none. 

O wond'rous force of art! now look at 
Dan — 

You'd fwear the pafte-board was the bet- 
ter man. 

The dev'l, fays he, the head is not fo full — 

Indeed it is, behold the paper fkull. 

Tho. S nfculp, 

Another, 

DAN y s evil genius in a trice 
Had ftripp'd him of his coin at dice ; 
Chloe, obferving this difgrace, 
On pam cut out his rueful face: 
By G — , fays Dan, 'tis very hard, 
Cut out at dice, cut out at card! 

G. R r/cttlp. 



On 



L 337 J ' 
Oh the foregoing Picture, 

WHILST you three merry poets 
traffic 
To give us a defcription graphic 
Of Dans large nofe in modern Sapphic, 

i'fperrd my time in making fefmons, 
Or writing libels on the Germans, 
Or murmuring at whigs preferments* 

But when I would find rhyme for Rochfoft f 
And look in Englip, French, and Scotch 

for't, 
At laft I'm fairly fore d to botch for't. 

Bid lady Betty recoiled* her, 

And tell, who was it could direct her 

To draw the. face of fuch a fpectre. 

I mull: confefs, that as to me, Sirs, 
Though I ne'er faw her hold the fciflars, 
I now could fafely fwearit is hers. 

'Tis true, no nofe could come in better ; 
'Tis a vaft fubjeft ftufFd with matter, 
Which all may handle, none can flatter. 
Vol. VII. Z Take 



338 ON DAN JACKSON. 

Take courage, Dan ; this plainly (hows, 
That not the wifeft mortal knows, 
What fortune may befall his nofe. 

Shew me the brighteft Irifb toafi:, 
"Who from her lover e'er could boaft 
Above a fong or two at moft; 

For thee three poets now are drudging all 
To praife the cheeks, chin, nofe, the bridge 

and all, 
Both of the picture and original. 

Thy nofe's length and fame extend 
So far, dear Dan, that ev'ry friend 
Tries, who mall have it by the end. 

And future poets, as they rife, 
Shall read with envy and furprizc 
Thy nofe ourihining Ctelias eyes. 



DAN 



L 339 J 
DAN JACKSON's Anfwer. 

My verfe Utile better yoitllfind than my face is, 
A word to the wife, ut piftura poefis. 

THREE merry lads with envy Hung, 
Becaufe Dans face is better hung, 
Combin'd in verfe to rhyme it down,, 
And in its place fet up their own ; 
As if they'd run it down much better 
By number of their feet in metre, 
Or that its red did caufe their fpite, 
Which made them draw inblack and white. 
Be that as 'twill, this is moil true, 
They were infpir'd by what they drew, 
Let then fuch criticks know, my face 
Gives them their comelinefs and grace : 
Whilft ev'ry line of face does bring 
A line of grace to what they ling. 
But yet, methinks, though with difgrace 
Both to the picture and the face, 
I fhould name them who do rehearfe 
The ftory of the picture-farce ; 
"The 'fquire in French as hard as ftone, 
Or ftrong as rock, that's all as one, 

Z 2 On 



i 



340 DAN JACKSON's ANSWER. 

On face on cards is very brifk, Sirs, 
Becaufe en them you play at whifk,Sirs. 
But much I wonder, why my crany 
Shou'd envy'd be by De-el-any: 
And yet much more, that half-name lake 
Shou'd join a party in the freak. 
Fpr fure I am it was not fafe 
Thus to abufe his better half, 
As I mail prove you, Dan> to be, 
Divifim and conjunctively. 
For if Dan love not Sherry, can 
Sherry be any thing to Dan? 
This is the cafe whene'er you fee 
Dan makes nothing of Sherry ; 
Or mou'd Dan be by Sherry o'ertaen, 
Then Dan would be poor Sherridant \ 
*Tis hard then he mould be decry'd 
By Dan with Sherry by his fide. 
But if the cafe mult be ib. hard, 
That faces fufFcr by a card, 
. Let criticks cenfure, what care I ? . 
Back-biters only we defy, 
Faces are free from injury. 



jihfttf 



t 34* J 

Anfwer to DAN JACKSONj by 
Mr. GEORGE ROCHFORT., 

YOU fay your face is better hung 
Than ours — -by what ? by nofe or 
tongue ? 
In not explaining, you are wrong 

to us, Sir. 

Becaufe we thus muft ftate the cafe, 
That you have got a hanging face, 
Th' untimely end's a damn'd difgrace 

of noofe, Sir. 

But yet be riot caft down, I fee 

A weaver will your hangman be ; . ' 

You'll only hang in tapeftry 

with many. • 

And then the ladies, I fuppofe, 
Will praife your longitude of nofe, . 
For latent charms within your cloaths, 

dear Danny. 

Thus will the fair of evry age 

From all parts make their pilgrimage, 

JVorfhip thy nofe with pious rage 

of love, Sir. 
Z 3 All 



3 4* ANSWER TO DAN JACKSON. 

All their religion will be fpent 
About thy woven monument, 
And not one orifon be fent 

to Jove x Sir. 

You the fam'd idol will become, 
As gardens grac'd in ancient Rome, 
• By matrons worfhip'd in the gloom 

of night. 

O happy Dan ! thrice happy fure ! 
Thy fame for ever mail endure, 
Who after death can love fecure 

at fight. 

So far I thought it was my duty 
To dwell upon thy boafted beauty ; 
Now I'll proceed a word or two tye, 

inanfwer 

To that part where you carry on 
This paradox, that rock of ftone, 
In your opinion are all one. 

How can, Sir> 

A man of reas'ning fo profound 

So ftupidly be run aground, 

As things fo different to confound 

t' our fenfes ? 

' Except 



ANSWER TO DAN JACKSON. 343 

Except you judg'd'em by the knock 
Of near an equal hardy block : 
Such an experimental ftroak 

convinces. 

Then might you be, by dint of reafon, 
A proper judge on this occafion ; 
'Qainft feeling there's no disputation, 

is granted.. 

Therefore to thy fuperior wit, 
Who made the trial, we fubmit %. 
Thy head to prove the truth of it 

we wanted. 

jn one afiertion you're to blame, 
Where Dan and Sherry & made the fame, 
Endeavouring to have your name 

refin'd, Sir. 

You'll fee mod grofsly you miftook, 
If you confult your ipelling-book, 
[The better half you fay you took) 

you'll find, Sir, 

3, H, E, fie — and R, I, r/, 

Both put together make Sherry i 

P, A, N, Dan — makes up the three 

fyjlables. 
Z 4- Dan 

i 



3 44 ANSWER BY DR. DELANY. 
Dan is but one, and Sberri two, 
Then, Sir, your choice will never dp ; 
Therefore I'ye turn'd, my friend, on yw 

the tables. 

Anfxer by Dr. DELANY. 

ASSIST me, my mufe, whilft I labour 
to limn him, 
Credite, P if ones, ijii tabula perfimihm. 
You look and you write with fo different 

a grace, 
That I envy your verfe, though I didn't 

your face. 
And to him that thinks rightly, there's 

reafon enough, 
'Cau feone is as fmoqth as theother is rough. 

Bu t much I'm amaz'd you fhould 

think my defign 
Was to rhyme down your npfe, or your 

harlequin grin, 
Which you yourfelf wonder the de'el 

fhou'd malign. 
And if 'tis fo itrange, that your monfterr 

fhip's crany 
Shou.'d be envy'd by him, much lefs by 

Delany* Though 



ANWE3H BY DR.' DELANY. ^ 

tough I own to yani) 'when 1 cxfn$f$ef 

it ftri&er^ 
ivy the painter,akhough not the pidure, 
idjuflly flies enyy'd,Snceafiendbfhell 
as never drawn right hut by her' and 

RaphelL 

Ne#, as to the charge, which you tel} 

us is true, 
lat we were infpir d by. the fabjecT: we 

drew. 
Tpired we were, and well, Sir,youkaew it, 
t not by your nofe, but the fair one 

that drew it ; 
id your nofe been tjie Mufe, we had 

'ne'er been infpir'd, 
lough perhaps it might juftly've been 

faid we were fir'd. 

As to the division of words in your- 

ftaves, 
ke my countryman's horn-comb, into 

three halves, 
neddle not with't, but pre fume to make 

merry, 
)u called Dan one half, and t'other half 



Now 



3*6 ANSWER BY DR. SHERIDAN. 

Now if Dan's a half, as you calFt o'er and 

o'er, 
Then it can't be deny'd that S&erry$ two 

, more. 
For pray give me leave to fay, Sir, for all 

you, 
That Sherry 's at leaft of double the value. 
But perhaps, Sir, you did it to fill up the 

verfe, 

So crouds in a concert (like adors in farce) \ 
Play two parts in one, when fcrapersare 

fcarce. 
But be that as 'twill, you'll know rnore 

anon, Sir, 
When Sberidanfendsto merry Dan anf? 

wer. 

^r^yDr. SHERIDAN. 

THREE merry lads you own we are; 
'Tis very true, and free from care, 
But envious we cannot bear, 

believe, Sir. 

For, were all forms of beauty thine, 
Were you like Nireus, foft and fine, 
We mould not in the leaft repine, 

or grieve, Sir. 
Then 



ANSWER BY DR. SHERIDAN. 347 

Then know from us, moft beauteous Dan> 
That roughnefs beft becomes a man j 
'Tis women would be pale and wan, 

and taper. 
And all your trifling beaux and fops, 
*Wl}0 comb their brows and fleek fheir 

chops, 
/Vre but the offspring of toy-mops, 

meer vapour. 

We know your morning hours you pafs 

To cull and gather out a face ; 

Is this the way you take your glafs ? 

forbear it. 

Thofe loads of paint upon your toilet, , . 
Will never mend your face, but fpoil it, 
It looks as if you did par-boil it, 

Drink claret. 

Your cheeks, by fleeking, are fo lean, 
That they're like Cynthia in the wane, 
.Or hreaft of goofe when 'tis pick'd clean, 

or pullet. 

See what by drinking you have done, 
You've made your phiz a fkeleton, 
From the long diftance of your crown, 

t'your gullet ? 
DAN 



(34*1 
DAN JACKSON's Reply. 

jfVritten by the Dean in the name of Dan Jacksok, 

WEaried with faying grace and pray r, 
Ihaften'd down to country air, 
To read your anfwer, and prepare 

reply to't. 

But your fair lines fo grofsly flatter, 
Pray do they praife me or befpatter ? 
I muft fulpeft you mean the latter, 

ah ! fly-booti 

It muft be ! fo ! what elfe, alas 
Can mean my culling of a face, 
And all that fluff of toilet j glafc, 

And box- comb? 

But be't as 'twill, this you muft grant, 
That you're a dawb, whilft I but paint \ 
Then which of us two is the quaint- 
er coxcomb ? 

I value not your jokes of noofe, 
Your gibes and all your foul abufe, 
More than the dirt beneath my (hoes, 

nor fear it 

. Yet 



PAN. JACKSON'S REPLY. 34^ 
t one- thing vexes me, I own, 
ou fqrry fpare-crow of fkin an4 bone, 
. be call'd lean by a, ikeleton, 

who'd bear it ? 

s true indeed, to carry friends, / 
u feem,tQ praife to make amends, 
id yet,, before your ftanza ends, 

youfloutme, 

put. latent' charms, beneath, my ojoatfes $ 
•r every one that knows me, knows 
lat I have nothing like, my nqfe 

about me. 

ja/s now. where you fleer and laugh, 
aufe I call Dan my better hajjfl 
\x there yon think. you have me fafe.k 

but hold Sir, 

not a penny often found 
be much greater than. a pound? 
f your good leave,, my moft profound' 

and boldShv 

*an\ noble mettle, Sherry bafe ; 
) Dans the better, though the lefs, 
:n ounce of gold's worth ten of brafs, 

dull pedant. 
As 



3jd DAN JACKSON'S SECOND REPLY. . 

As to your fpelling, let me fee, 

If SHE makes /her, and RI makes ry, 

Good fpelling- mafter, your crany 

has lead on't. 

Another Reply by the Deah «i DAN 

jackson's Name. 

THREE days fot anfwer I have waited, 
I thought an ace you'd ne'er have 
bated, 
And art thou forc'd to yield, ill-fated 

poetafter ? 

Henceforth acknowledge, that a nofe 
Of thy dimenfion's fit for profe, 
But ev'ry one that knows Dan, knows 

thy mailer. 

Blum for ill-fpelling, for ill-lines, 
And fly with hurry to ramines ; 
Thy fame, thy genius now declines, 

proud boafter. 



I hear 



^NJACKSON'sSECOND REPLY. 351 

ar with fome concern you roar, 
1 flying think to quit the fcore 
:lapping billets on your door 

and polls, Sir. 

r ruin, Tom, I never meant, 
griev'd to hear your banifhment, 
pleas'd to find you do relent 

and cry on. 

auFd you, when you look'd fo blufF, 
: now I'll fecret keep your ftuff ; 
know, proft ration is enough 

to th' lion* 



SHERI- 



' (35*] 

SttERIDAN's SUBMISSION 
Written by the Deal*. 

Cedojam, mifera cognofcens pram'ta rixa, 
Si r'tfca eji, ubi tu fu{pu ego vapulo tantttm. 

Poor S6erry, inglorious, 
*Vi>Bf*n the vi&orious; - 
Pfefents, as 'tis fitting, 
Petition and greeting. 

TO you, victorious and txrayc, 
You* now fubdu'd and ibppliffit 
ilave 
Moft humbly fues for pardon. 
Who when I fought ftill cut me down* 
And when I vanifh'd fled the town* 
Purfu'd and laid me hard on* 

Now towly crouch'd I cly peccavi, 
And proftrate, fupplicate pour ma vie, 

Your mercy I rely on. 
For you, my conqu'ror and my king f 
In pard'ning, as in puni filing, 

Will mew yourfelf a lion, 

Alas ! Sir, I had no defign, 
But wa* unwarily drawn in 5 

1 For 



TOM MULLINEX AND DIGK, 353 

For fpite I ne'er had any. 
'Twas the damn'd 'fquirc with the hard 

name ; 
The de'el too that ow'd me a fliame, 

The devil and Delany ; 

They tempted me t'attack ydur highnefs, 
And then, with wonted wile andflynefs, 

They left me in the lurch, 
Unhappy wretch! for noW, I weeri, 
I've nothing left to vent my fpleen 

But ferula and birch ; * 

And they, alas ! yield fmall relief, 
Seem rather to .renew my grief, 

My wounds bleed all anew : 
For ev'ry ftroke goes to my heart, 
And at each la(h 1 feel the fmart 

Of lafh laid on by you. 

TOM MULLINEX and DICJ& 

CT" Mand Dick had equal fame, 
*■*• And both had equal knowledge ; 
Tom could write and fpell his name, 

But Dick had feen the college. 

Vol. VII. A a Dick 



35+ TOM MULLINEX AND DICK. 

Dick a coxcomb, Tom was mad, 
And both alike diverting, 

Tom was held the merrier lad, 
But Dick the bell at farting. 

Dick would cock his nofein fcorn, 
But Tom was kind and loving ; 
Tom a foot-boy bred and born, 
> But Dick was from an oven. 

Dick could neatly dance a jig, 

But Tom was beft at borees ; 
Tom would pray for ev'ry whig, 
• And Dick curfe all the tories. 

Dick would make a woeful noife, 
And fcold at an election ; 

Tom huzza'd the black-guard boys, 
And held them in fubjection. 

Tom could move with lordly grace, 
Dick nimbly fkip the gutter ; 

Tom could talk with folemn face, 
But Dick could better fputter. 

Dick was come to high renown 
Since he commenc'd phyfician ; 

Tom was held by all the town 
The deeper politician. 



Ton 



DICK, A. MAGGOT .355 

om had the genteeler fwing, 

His hat could nicely put on ; 
h'ck knew better how to fwing 

His cane upon a button. 

h'ck for repartee was fit, 
And Tom for deep difcerning ; 

ick was thought the brighter wit, 
But Tom had better learning. 

Hck with zealous no's and ay's 
Could roar as loud as Stentor, 
the houfe 'tis all he fays ; 
But Tom is eloquenter. 

D I C K, A Maggot. 

\ S when from rooting in a bin* 
^ All powder'd o'er from tail to chin* 
lively maggot {allies out, 
ou know him by his hazel fnout ; 
> when thegrandfon of his grandfire 
>rth iflues wriggling, Dick Dra'wcanfir^ 
r ith powder'd rump, and back and fide, 
3U cannot blanch his tawny hide ; 
>r 'tis beyond the pow'r of meal 
fie gypfey vifage to conceal : 

A a z For* 



356 CLAD ALL IN BROWN. 

For, as he makes his wainfcot chops, 
Down ev'ry mealy atom drops, 
And leaves the tartar phiz, in (how 
Like a frefh t — d juft dropt on fiiow. 



Clad all in Brown* 

Imitated from COWLEY. 
To DICK. 

FOULESTbrute that ftinks below. 
Why in this brown doft thou ap- 
pear? 
For, would'llthou make a fouler (how, 
Thou muft go naked all the year. 
Frefh from the mud a wallowing fow 
Would then be not fo brown as thou. 

'Tis not the coat that looks fo dun, 

His hide emits a foulnefs out, 
Not one jot better looks the fun 
Seen from behind a dirty clout: 
So t — ds within a glafs inclofe, 
The glafs will feem as brown as thofe. 

Thou 



CLAD ALL IN BROWN. 35 7 

Thou now one heapoffoulnefs art, 

All outward and within is foul ; 
Condemned filth in ev'ry part, 

Thy body's cloathed like thy foul ; 
Thy foul, which, through thy hide of buffi 
carce glimmers like a dying fnuff. 

Old carted bawds fuch garments wear, 
When pelted all with dirt they fhine ; 
Such their exalted bodies are, 
As flirivel'd and as black as thine. 

f thou wert in a cart, I fear 

Thou would' ftbe peltedworfe than they're. 

Yet, when we fee thee thus array'd, 

The neighbours think, it is but juft, 
That thou fhould'ft take anhoneft trade, 
And weekly carry out the duft. 
)f cleanly houfes who will doubt, 
Vhen Dick cries, duft to carry out f 



Aa 3 r)ICK's 



[ 358 ] 
DICK's Variety. 

DULL uniformity in fools, 
I hate, who gape and fneerby rules. 
You, MuliineX) and flobb'ring C — , 
Who ev'ry day and hour the lame are; I 
That vulgar talent I defpife , 

Of pilling in the rabble's eyes. 
And when I liften to the noife 
Of ideots roaring to the boys ; 
To betterjudgments ftill fubmitting, 
I own I fee but little wit in : 
Such paftinles, when our tafte is nice, 
Can pleafe at moft but once or twice. 

But then confider Dick y you'll find 
His genius of fuperior kind ; 
He never muddles in the dirt, 
Nor fcou'rs the ltreets without a fhirt ; 
Though Dicky I dare prefume to fay, 
Could do fuch feats as well as thev. 
Dick I could venture every where, 
Let the boys pelt him if they dare \ 
He'd have 'em try'd at the aflizes 
For priefrsarid jefuits in difguifes ; 
Swear they v/ere with the Swedes at Bender ', 
And lifting troops for {he pretender. 

But 



DICK's VARIETY. 359 

But Dick can fart, and dance, and friflc, 
No other monkey half fo briflc ; 
Now has the rpeaker by the ears, 
Next moment in the houfe of peers, 
Now fcolding at my lady Euftace ; 
Or thrafhing Babby in her new flays. 
Prefloy begone ; with t'other hop 
He's powd'ring in a barber's (hop; 
Now at the anti-chamber thrufting 
His nofe to get the circle juft in, 
And damns his blood, that in the rear 
He fees one (ingle tory there : 
Then woe be to my lord lieutenant, 
Again he'll tell him, and again on't. 



A a 4 THE 



360 THE BEASTS CONFESSION 

THE 
PASTS CONFESSION 

T O T H E 

PRIEST, 

On ohferving bow moft men mtftake their 
own talents. 

Written in the Year I73? t 

\\J HEN beafts could fpeak (the l canh 

* * ed fay, 

They ftill can do fo every day), 
It feems, they had religio tnhen, 
As much as now we find in men. 
It happen'd, when a plauge broke out 
(Which therefore madethem more devout), 
The king of brutes (to make it plain. 
Of quadrupeds I only mean) 
By proclamation gave command, 
That cv'ry fubje& in the land 
Should to the prieft confefs their fins; 
And thus the pipus wolf begins ; 

Good 



TO THE PRIEST. 361 

Good father, I muft own with fhame, 
That often I have been to blame : 
I muft confefs, on Friday laft, 
Wretch that I was ! I broke my faft ; 
But I defy the bafeft tongue 
To prove I did my neighbour wrong; 
Or ever went to feek my food 
By rapine, theft, or thirft of blood. 

The afs, approaching next,confefs'd, 
That in his heart he lov'd a jeft : 
A wag he was he needs mull own, 
And could not let a dunce alone : 
Sometimes his friend he would not fpare, 
And might perhaps be too fevere: 
But yet, the worft that could be faid, 
He was a wit both born and bred; 
And, if it be a fin or fhame, 
Nature alone muft bear the blame : 
One fault he hath, is forry for't, 
His ears are half a foot too fhort ; 
Which could he to the ftandard bring, 
He'd fhew his face before the king : 
Then for his voice, there's none difputes 
That he's the nightingale of brutes. 

The fwinewith contrite heart allow'd, 
His fhape and beauty made him proud : 

In 



362 THE BEASTS CONFESSION 

In diet was perhaps too nice, 
But gluttony was ne'er his vice : 
In ev'ry turn of life content, 
And meekly took what fortune fent : 
Enquire through all the parifh round, 
A better neighbour ne'er was found : 
His vigilance might fome difpleafe ; 
'Tis true he hated floth like peafe. 

The mimic ape began his chatter, 
How evil tongues his life befpatter ; 
Much of the cens'ring world complain'd, 
Who faid, his gravity was feign'd : 
ndeed the ftri&nefs of his morals 
Engag'd him in an hundred quarrels ; 
He faw, and he was griev'd to fee't, 
His zeal was fometimes indiicreet : 
He found his virtues too fevere 
For our corrupted times to bear : 
Yet, fuch a lewd licentious age 
Might well excufe a Stoic's rage. 

The goat advane'd with decent pace ; 
And firit excus'd his youthful face ; 
Forgivenefs begg'd that he appear 'd 
('Twas nature's fault) without a beard. 
'Tis true, he was not much inclin'd 
To fondnefs for the female kind ; 

3 Not, 



TO THE PRIEST,). 363 

Not, as his enemies object, 

From chance, or natural defe&j 

Not by his frigid conftitution, 

But through a pious refolution 5 

For he had made a holy vow 

Qf chaftity as monks do now ; 

Which he refolv'd to keep for ever hence, 

As ftri&ly too, as doth his * reverence. 

Apply the tale, and you fhall find, 
Howjult it fuits with human-kind. 
Some faults we own : but, can you guefs ? 
— Why, virtues carried to excefs, 
Wherewith our vanity endows us, 
Though neither foe nor friend allows us. 

The lawyer fwears, you may rely on't, 
He never fqueez'd a needy client ; 
And this he makes his conftant rule 5 
For which his brethren call him fool : 
His confidence always was fo nice, 
He freely gave the poor advice; 
By which he loft, he may affirm, 
A hundred fees laft Eajier term. 
While others of the learned robe 
Would break the patience of a Job 5 

* The prieft bis confeffor. 

No 



364 THE BEASTS CONFESSION 

No pleader at the bar could match 
His diligence and quick difpatch ; 
Ne'er kept a caufe, he well may boaft, 
Above a term or two at moft. 

Thecringingknave, who feeks a place 
Without fuccefs, thus tells his cafe : 
Why mould he longer mince the matter? 
He fail'd, becaufe he could not flatter ; 
He had not learn'd to turn. his coat, 
Nor for a party give his vote : 
His crime he quickly under flood ; 
Too zealous for the nation's good : 
He found the minifters refent'it, 
Yet could not for his heart repent it. 

The chaplain vows he cannot fawn, 
Though it would raife him to the- lawn: 
He pafs'd his hour,s among his books ; 
You find it in his meagre looks : 
He might, if he were worldly wife, 
Preferment get and fpare his. eyes : 
But own'd, he had a ftubborn fpirit, 
That made him truft alone to merit : 
. Would rife by merit to promotion ; 
Alas 1 a mere chimeric notion. 

The 



TO THE PRIEST. 365 

The doctor, if you will believe him, 
Tonfefs'd a fin ; and God forgive him ! 
UalPd up at midnight, ran to fave 
\ blind old beggar from the grave : 
But fee how Satan fpreads his fnares ; 
He quite forgot to fay his prayers. 
He cannot help it for his heart 
Sometimes to ad the parfon's part : 
Quotes from the bible many a fen te nee, 
That moves his patients to repentance : 
And, when his med'eines do no good, 
Supports their minds with heav'nly food,. 
At which, however well intended, 
He hears the clergy are offended ; 
And grown fo bold behind his back, 
To call him hypocrite and quack. 
In his own church he keeps a feat ; 
Says grace before and after meat ; 
And calls, without affeding airs, 
His houfehold twice a day to pray'rs. 
He fhuns apothecaries fhops ; 
And hates to cram the fick with flops : 
He fcorns to make his art a trade ; 
Nor bribes my lady's fav'rite maid. 
Old nurfe-keepers would never hire 
To recommend him to the fquire ; 

Which 



366 THE BEASTS CONFESSION ' 

Which others, whom he will not name, 
Have often practis'd to their fharne. 

The ftatefman tells you with ^fmer, 
His fault is to be too Jincere ; 
And, having no firiifter ends-, 
Is apt to difoblige his friends. 
The nation's good, his matter's glory* 
Without regard to whig or tory± 
Were all the fchemes he had in view ; 
Yet he was feeonded by few : 
Though fome hadfpread a thoufand lyes, 
'Twas he defeated the Excise. 
'Twas known, though he had borneafper- 

fion, 
Thaxjianding troops were his averfion : 
His practice was, in ev'ry ftation, 
To ferve the king, and pleafe the nation. 
Though hard to find in ev'ry cafe 
The fitteft man to fill a place : 
His promifes he ne'er forgot, 
But took memorials on the fpot : 
His enemies, for want of charity, 
Said, he affe&ed popularity : 
'Tis true, the people understood, 
That all he did was for their good ; 

Their 



TO THE PRIEST. 367 

Their kind affections he has try'd ; 
No love is left on either fide. 
rle came to court with fortune clear, 
Which now he runs but ev'ry year : 
VTuft, at the rate that he goes on, 
[nevitably be undone : 
Oh ! if his majefty would pleafe 
To give him but a writ of eafe, 
Would grant him licence to retire, 
As it hath long been his defire, 
By fair accounts it would be found, 
He's poorer by ten thoufand pound. 
He owns, and hopes it is no lin, 
He ne'er was partial to his kin ; 
He thought it bale for men in ftations 
To crowd the court with their relations ; 
His country was his deareft mother, 
And ev'ry virtuous man his brother ; 
Through modetty or aukward fhame 
(For which he owns himfelf to blame), 
He found the wifeft man he cou'd, 
Without refpect to friends, or blood j 
Nor ever a<Sb on private views, 
When he hath liberty to chufc. 

The (harper fwore he hated play, 
Except to pafs an hour away : 

And 



368 THE BEASTS CONFESSION 

And well he might ; for, to his coft, 
By want of flail he always loft ; 
He heard there was a club of cheats, 
Who had contriv'd a thoufand feats 5 
Could change the flock, or cog a dye, 
And thus deceive the fharpeft eye : 
Nor wonder how his fortune funk, 
His brothers fleece him when he's drunk* 

I own the moral not exa£ ; 
Befides, the tale is falfe in fad ; 
And fo abfurd, that could I raife up 
From fields Elyfian fabling AZfop ; 
I would accufe him to his face 
For libelling the four-foot race. 
Creatures of ev'ry kind but ours 
Well comprehend their natural pow'rs ; 
While we, whom reafon ought to fway, 
Miftake our talents ev'ry day. 
The afs was never known fo ftupid 
To act the part of Tray or Cuptd ; 
Nor leaps upon his matter's lap, 
There to be ftroak'd, and fed with pap, 
As &fop would the world perfuade j 
He better underftands his trade : 
Nor comes, whene'er his lady whittles ; . 
But carries loads, and feeds on thiftles. 
3 Our 



TO THE PRIEST. 369 

ir author's meaning, I premme, is 
creature * bipes et implumis 5 
herein the moralift defign'd 
compliment on human-kind : 
r here he owns, that now and then 
ails may degenerate into men. 

* A definition of man difapprov'dby all logicians : 
Homo eft animal bipes, implumc, ere&o vultu. 



Vol.VIL ft.b ' ADVER- 



' [ 37° ] 

ADVERTISEMENT. 

For the Honour of the Kingdom of I 
IRELAND. 

TH IS is to inform the publick, that a gentle- 
man of long ftudy, obfervatiqn, and expe- 
rience, hath employed himfelf for fe veral years in 
making collections of fafts, relating to the conduft 
of divines, pbyjicians, lawyers, foldiers, merchants, 
traders and /quires, containing an hlftorical ac- 
count of the moft remarkable corruptions, frauds, 
oppreffions, knaveries, and perjuries ; wherein the 
names of all the perfons concerned fhall be in- 
ferted at fnll length, with fome account of their 
families and ftations. 

But whereas the faid gentleman cannot com*' 
plete his hiftory without fome affiftance from the 
publick, he humbly defires, that all perfons, who 
have any memoirs, or accounts, relating to them* 
fehes, their families, their friends or acquaintance, 
which are well attefted, and fit to enrich the work, 
will pteafc to fend them to the printer of this ad- 
vertifement : and if any of the faid perfons, who 
are difpofed to. fend materials, happen to live in 
the country, it is defired their letters may be ei- 
ther franked, or the poft paid. 
. "This colle&ion is to commence with the year 
1700, and be continued to theprefent vear 1 738. 

The 



ADVERTISEMENT. 371 

The work is to be intituled, The author's critical 
biftory of bis own times. 

It is intended to be printed by fubfeription, in 
a large oftavo ; each volume to contain five hun- 
dred fa&s, and to be fold for a Britifh crown ; th* 
author propofeth that the whole work (whic i 
will take in the period of thirty-eight years) fh 1 ! . 
be contained in eighteen volumes. 

Whoever fhall fend the author any accounts of 
perfons, who have performed any afts of jujtice, 
charity, public fpirit, gratitude, fidelity, or the 
like, attefted by indubitable witneffcs within the 
fame period ; the faid fafts (hall be printed by way 
of appendix at the end of each volume, and no 
addition to the price of the work demanded. But, 
left fuch perfons may apprehend that the relating 
of thefe fafts may be injurious to their reputations, 
their names (hall rtot be fet down without parti- 
cular direftion. 

N. B. There will be a fmall number printed on 
royal paper for the curious, at only two Britifh 
crowns. There will alfo be the effigies of the 
moft eminent perfons mentioned in this work, 
prefixed to each volume, curioufly engraved by 
Mr. Hogarth. 

Subscriptions are taken in by the printer 
hereof, and by the bookfcllers of London and 
Dublin. 

B b 2 Part 



1372} 

Part of the IXth ODE of the Fourth 
BOOK of HORACE, addrejfed to 
Do&or WILLIAM KING, late 
Lord Jrchbijkop of Dublin. 

Paulum fepult<2y etc. 

VIRTUE conceal'd within our breaft 
Is inactivity at beft : 
But never fhall the Mufe endure 
To let your virtues lie obfcure, 
Cr fufter et;vy to conceal 
Your labours for the public weal. 
Within your breaft all wifdom lies, 
Either to govern or advife ; 
Your fteddy foul preferves her frame 
In good and evil times the fame. 
Pale Avarice and lurking Fraud 
Stand in your facred prefence aw'd ; 
Your hand alone from gold abftains, 
Which drags the flavifh world in chains. 

Him for a happy man I own, 
Whofe fortune is not overgrown ; 
And happy he, who wifely knows 
To ufe the gifts, that heav'n beftpws ; . 

Or, 



APPLES. 373 

Or, if it pleafe the powYs divine, 
Can fuffer want, and not repine, 
The man, who infamy tofhun 
Into the arms of death would run, 
That man is ready to defend 
With life his country, or his fiicnd. 

VERSES tnade for Women ub) iry 
Apples^ etc. 

COME buy my fine wares, 
Plumbs, apples, and pears^ • 
A hundred a penny, 
In confcience too many : 
Come, will you have any ? 
My children are feven, 
I wifli them in heaven, 
My hufband a fot, 
With his pipe and his pot, 
Not a farthing will gain 'em, 
/Vnd I muft maintain 'em. 



B b 3 ASPA^ 



[ 374 ] 
ASPARAGUS. 

RIPE 'fparagrafs, 
Fit for lad or lafs, 
To make their water pafs : 
G, 'tis pretty picking 
With a tender chicken. 

O N Y O N S. 

COME, follow me by the fmell, 
Here's delicate onyons to fell, 
I promife to ufe you well. 
They make the blood warmer ; 
You'll feed like a farmer : 
For this is ev'ry cook's opinion, 
No fav'ry difli without an onyon ; 
But, left your killing fhould be fpoil'd 
Your onyons muft be th' roughly boil'd; 

Or elfe you may fpare 

Your miftrefs a (hare, 
The fecret will never be known ; 

She cannot difcover 
- The breath of her lover, 
But think it as fweet 3s her own. 



OYSTERS. 



C 375 ] 

OYSTERS. 

CHARMING oyfters I cry, 
My mailers come buy, 
So plump and fo. frefh, 
So fweet is their flefh, 
. No Colchejier oyfter 
Is fweeter and moifter ; 
Your ftomach they fettle, 
And roufe up your mettle ; 
They'll make you a dad 
Of a lafs or a lad; 
And madam your wife 
They'll pleafe to the life \ 
Be (lie barren, be me old, 
Be Ihe flut, or be me fcold, 
Eat my oyfters, and lye near her, 
She'll be fruitful, never fear her. 

HERRINGS. 

BE not fparing, 
Leave off fwearing. 
Buy my herring 

B b 4 Fiefh 



376 O R A N G E S. 

Frefh from * Malahide t 
Bet ter ne'er was try'd. 
Come, eat 'em with pure frefli butter and 

muftard, 
Their bellies are (oft, and as white as a 

cuftard. 
Come, fix-pence a dozen to get me fome 

bread, 
Or, like my own herrings, I ibon fliaU be 

dead. 

ORANGES. 

COME buy my fine oranges, iauce for 
your veal, 
And charming when fqu^ezM in a pot qf 

brown ale. 
Well roafted, with fugar and wine in a 

cup, 
They'll makeafweet bifhopwhen gentle- 
folks fup. 

* Malahide, about five miles from Dublin, famoipibi 

oyftcii. 



TQ 



t 377 ] « . 

T O 

L O V E. 

IN all I wifh how happy fhould I be, 
Thou grand deluder, were it not for the ? 
So weak thou art, that fools thy pow'r de- 

lpife f 
And yet fo ftrong, thou triumph'ft o'er the 

wife, 
Thy traps are laid with fqch peculiar art, 
They catch the cautious; let the rafli de- 
part. 
Moft nets are filPd by want of thought and 

. fare, 
But too much thinking brings us to thy fnare. 
Where held by thee in flavery we ftay, 
And throw the pleafing part of life away. 
But what does moft my indignation move, 
Difcretiortj thou wer f t ne'er a friend to Love ! 
Thy chief delight is to defeat thofe arts, 
By which he kindles mutual flames in hearts ; 
While the blind loit'ring God is at his play, 
T|* ou fteal'ft his golden-pointed darts away ; 

Thofc 



37 8 T O L O V E. 

Thofe darts which never fail; and in their 

ftead 
Convey'ft malignant arrows tipt with lead : 
The heedlefs God, fufpedting no deceits, 
Shoots on, and thinks he has done wond'rous 

feats ; 
But the poor nymph, who feels her vitals burn, 
And from her (hepherd can find no return, 
Laments and rages at the power divine, 
When, curs'd Difcretion ! all the fault was 

thine. 
Cupid and Hymen thou haft fet at odds, 
And bred fuclr feuds betwixt thofe kindred 

gods, 
That Venus cannot reconcile her fons ; 
When one appears, away the other runs. 
The former fcales, wherein he us'd to poife 
Love againft love, and equal joys with joys, 
Are now/fiird up with avarice and pride, 
Where titles, power, and riches ftill fubfide. 
Then, gentle Venus, to thy father run, 
And tell him how thy children are undone ; 
Prepare his bolts to give one fatal blow, 
And ftrike Difcretion to the (hades befow. 



I 379} * 

7%e following lines were wrote upon a very 
old glafs of Sir Arthur Achefon's. 

FRAIL glafs, thou mortal art as well 
as I, 
Though none can tell, which of us firft 
{hall die. 

Anfwerd extempore by Dr. SWIFT. 

We both are mortal ; but thou, frailer 

creature, 
May'ft die, like me, by chance, but not 

by nature. 

VERSES cut by two of the Dean's * 

friends, upon a pane of glafs in one of 
his parlours. 

A B A R D, on whom Phoebus his fpirit 

beftow'd, 
Refolving t'acknowledge the bounty he 
ow'd, 



* Thefe were written by vcrfes intituled yfpolk to the 
Dr.. Delany in conjun&ion Dean, which are printed 
with Steila, and produced the above, p. 22. 

Found 



3 8o VERSES ON WINDOWS. 

found out a new method at once of con- 

fcffing, 
And making the moft of fo mighty a bkf- 

To the God he'd be gratefyl, but mortals 

he'd choufe 
By making his patron prefide in his houfe. 
And wifely forefaw this advantage from 

thence, 
That the God would in honour bear moft 

of th' expence : 
So, the bard he finds drink, and leaves 

Phoebus to treat 
With the thoughts he infpires, regardlefs of 

meat. 
Hence they, that come hither expeding 

dine, 
Are always fobb'd off with fheer wita&4 

fheer wine. 

On another Window* 

ARE the guefts of this houfe full 

doom'd to be cheated ? 
Sure the fates have decreed they by halves 
fhould be treated? 



verses on windows. 3 8t 

the days of good * John, if you came 

here to dine, 
)u had choice of good meat, no choke 

of good wine. 
Jonathans reign, if you come here to 

eat, 
du have choice of good wine, no choice 

of good meat, 
h Jove ! then how fully might all fides 

bebleft, 
r ould*ft thou but agree to this humble fcf- 

queft? 
at both deans in one ; or, if that's too 

much trouble, 
lftead of the deans, make the deanry 

double. 



* Dc.John Stearnty late PatrUk's, and waa always dlf- 

rdbifliopof Clogber y who tinguilhiod for his great hofpi* 

id been the predecefibr of tality," 
r. Swift in the deanry of St, 



An 



An EPIT APH fy Dr. SWIFT totb* 
memory of FREDERICK duke of 
SCHOMBERG, who was unhappily 
killed in croj/ing the river Boyne on the 
ift of July 1690, and was buried in 
St. Patrick's cathedral^ where the dean 
andchapter erected a fmall monument to 
his honour at their own expence. 

Hie infra fitum eft corpus 
FREDERICI DUCIS DE SCHOMBERG, 

ad BUDINDAM occifi, A. D. 1690. 

DECANUS et CAPITULUM maximopere 

etiam atquc etiam petierunt, 

Ut HEREDES DUCIS monumentum 

In tnemoriam PARENTIS erigendum curarent: 

Sed poftquam per epiftolas, per araicos, 

diu ac fepe orando nil profecSre ; 

Hunc demum lapidein ipfi ftatuerunt, 

* Saltern ut fcias, hofpes, 

Ubinam terrarum SCONBERGENSES dnero 

delitefcunt. 

Plus potult fama virtutis apuda!ienos % 
Quarn fanguinis proximitas apud fuos. 
A. D. 1731. 

* The words that Dr. at viator indignabundui^ fwfi 
Swift firft concluded the epi- in ccllula iznti ductorh iimra 
taph with, were Saltern utjci- MitejcunU 

4. A BAL- 



[ 3»3'] 
♦A BALLAD 

ON 

The Game of Traffic k. 

r . 

Written at the cafile of Dublin, in th 
time of the earJofBetkltys government. 

MY f lord, to find out who muftdea! 
Delivers cards about, 
But the firft knave does feldora fail 
To find the doSior but. 

But then his honour, ciy'd, godzopks I 
And feern'd to' knit his brow'; 

for on a knave he never looks 
But h'thinks upon Jack How. 

My lady, though fhe is no player, 
Some bungling partner takes, 

And, wedg'd in corner of a chair, 
Takes fnuff, and holds the ftakes. 



* This ballad occafioned purfe. Sec Vol. VI. p. 76" 
another to the tune of the cut- f 1'he earl of Berkley. 



Dame 



A BALLAD. 

Dame Floyd * looks out in grave fufpencd 
For pair-royals and fequents ; 

But wifely cautious of her pence, 
The caftle feldoms frequents. 

Quoth Hern'esy fairly putting cafes, 

Td won it on my word* 
If I had but a pair of aces, 

And could pick up a third* 

But Wefion has a new-caft gown 

On Sundays to be fine in, 
And, if flie can but win a crown, 

'Twill juft new dye the lining. 

" With thefe is parfon Swift, 

" Not knowing how to fpend his time, 
" Does make a wretched fhift, 

" To deafen them with puns and 
« rhime." 

■* Biddy Floyd. See letter to col. Hunttr, vol. XII. 



VERSES 



t3«5l 

VERSES /aid to be 'written on the 
UNION. 

THE * queen has lately loft a part 
Of her entirely-Engtijh heart, 
For want of which, by way df botch* 
She piee'd it up again with Scotch. • 
Bleft revolution, which creates 
Divided hearts, united ftates ! 
See how the double nation lies ; 
Like a rich coat with fkirts of frize : 
As if a man, in making pofies, 
Should bundle thirties up with rofes; 
Who ever yet a union faw 
Of kingdoms without faith or law ? 
Henceforward let no ftatefmen dare 
A kingdom to a fhip compare ; 
Left he fhould call our commonweal 
A veflel with a double keel : 
Which,juft like ours,new rigg'd andman'd, 
And got about a league from land, 
By change of wind to leeward fide, 
The pilot knew not how to guide. 
So toffing fadion will overwhelm 
Our crazy double-bottom'd realm* 

* Amu. 

Vol. VII. Cc WILL 



I 3*« J 
WILL W OOD's Petition to the People 
^/IRELAND, . 

Being an excellent New8ong, 

» • 

Suppofedto be made andfung in ibeftreet o/* Dub- 
lin, by William Wood, iron-monger 4ttd half- 
penny-monger, 1 725.1 

MY dear Irijb folks, 
Come leave off your jokes, 
And buy up my half- pence fo fine j 
So fair and fo bright, 
They'll give you delight ; 
Obferve how they gliften and mine. 

They'll fell, to my grief, 

As cheap as neck-beef, 
For counters at cards to your wife ; 

And every day 

Your children may play 
Span-farthihg or tofe on the knife. 

• " ■ 

Come hither, and try ; 

I'll teach you to buy 
A pot of good ale for a farthing: 

Come ; three-pence a fcorey - ' 

I afk you no more, 
And a fig for the Drapierand* Hard'mi 

* The Drapier's printer. * - - '* 

* When 



AftEWSONG. 387 

When tradefihen have gold$ 

The thief will be bold* 
6y day and by night for to rob Mm : 

My copper is fuch, 

No robber will touch, 
And fo you may daintily bob htm> 

The little black-guard, 

"Who gets very hard 
fais half-pence for cleaning your {hoes : 

When his pockets are cramm'd 

With mine and be d 'd, 

He may fwear he has nothing to lofe. 

Here's half-pence in plenty* 
for dhe you'll have twenty, 

Though thoufandsare not worth a pudden. 
Your neighbours will think, 
AVhen your pocket cries chink, 

You are grown plaguy rich on a fudden. 

You will be my thankers, 

I'll make you my bankers, 
As good as * Ben Burton or Fade : 

For nothing /hall pais 

JJut my pretty brafs, 
And then you'll be all of a trade. 

■ >- * Two famous bankers. 

Cc2 I'm 



3*8 AN EPIGRAM.. • 

I'm a fon of a whore 

If I have a word more 
To fay in this wretched condition. 

If my coin will not pafs, 

I muft die like an afs ; 
And (o I conclude my petition. 

AN 

EPIGRAM 

ON 
WOOD'S BRASS-MONEY. 

CART* RET was welcomed to the 
more 
Firft with the brazen cannons roar, 
To meet him next the foldier comes, 
With brazen trumps and brazen drums. 
Approaching near the town, he hears 
The brazen bells falute his ears : . 
But when Wood's brafs began to found) 
Guns, trumpets, drums, and bells were 
drown'd. 



AKO- 



i 389 J 

ANOTHER. 
On the D—eofC s. 

7— s B — s was the dean's familiar friend: 
James grows a duke ; their fnendfhip 
here muftend. 
Surely the dean deferves a fore rebuke, 
From knowing James, to fay, he knows 
a duke. 

ANOTHER. 
On Scolding. 

GREAT folks are of a finer mold ; " 
Lord ! how politely they can fcold ; 
While a coarfe Englijb tongue will itch 
For whore and rogue, and dbg and bitch. 

CATULLUS^ LESB I A. 

LESBIAmi dicitfemper male; nee 
tacet unquam 
De me. Lejbiame y difpeream>?iifiamat. 
§$uo figno f quiafunt totidem mea : depre- 

cor illam 
AJftdue \ verum, dj/peream, nifi amo, 

C c 3 In 



t 39° ] 
In ENOU S'H. 

LESBIA for ever on me ratls,' 
To talk of me me never fails, 
Now hang me- but, for all her art, '•'-' 
J find that I'haye gairi'd her heart. •'• 
My proof is thus : I plainly fee, 
T»he cafe is juft the lame with me ; 
1 eurfe her ev'ry, hour fmcerely, '■ 

Yet, hang me but I love her dearly. 

Mr. JASON HASARD, a woolen 
di apier in Dublin, put up theftgn of 
tie Golden Fleece, and deftred a mot" 
to in verfe. 

yASONy the valiant prince of Greece, 
From Colchos brought the golden 
fleece ; 
We comb the wool, refine the fluff ji' 
For modern Jafons that's enough. 
Oh Icould'we tame yon watchful* dragon, 
Pld Jafon would have lefs to brag on, 



3* England. 



lit 



C 99* ] 
The AUT.HOR's Maimer of Living. 

ON .rainy days alone I dins 
Upon a chick, and pint of wine. 
(Qh rainy days I dine alone, 
And pick my chicken to the bone c 
Bat this my forvants much enrages, 
No fcraps Teraaj&j to (ave board-wages. 
In weather line I nothing fpend, 
But often fpunge upon a friend : 
Yet where he's not fo rich as I ; 
I pay my club, and fo good b'y*-— > 

3* u h AD Y, who dejired. the author to 
write fome verfes upon her in the heroic 
flyle. 

Written at London, in the Year 1726. 

AFTER venting all my fpight, 
Tell me, what have I to write ; 
Ev'ry error I could find 
Through the mazes of vour mind, 
Jfatfe-my buly mufe employ' d, 
Till the company is cloy'd. 
Are you positive and fretful, 
Heedlefs, ignorant, forgetful ? 
at Cc4 Thefe 



392 VERSES ON A LADY. 

Thefe and twenty follies more 
I have often told before. 

Hearken what my lady fays ; 
Have I nothing then to praife ? 
Ill it fits you to be witty, 
Where a fault mould move your pity, 
If you think me too conceited, 
Or to pafiiqn quickly heated ;• 
If my wandering head be lefs 
Set on reading than on drefs ; 
If I always feem fo dull t ye ; 
I can folve the diffi-culty. 

You would teach me to be wife 5 
Truth and honour how to prize ; 
How to fhine in converfation, 
And with credit fill my ftation j 
How to relifh notions high ; 
How to live, and how to die. 

But it was decreed by fate, 
Mr. Dearly you come too late ; 
Well I know you can difcern, 
I am now too old to learn : 
Follies from my youth inftrll'd 
IJaye my foul entirely fill'd : 



In 



VERSES ON A LADY. 393 

In my head and heart they center, 
Nor will let your leffons enter. 

Bred a fondling and an heirefs ; 
Drefs'd like any lady-may 'refs ; 
Cocker d by the fervants round, 
Was too good to touch the ground, 
Thought th§ life ofev'ry lady 
Should be one continual play-day, 
Balls, and maiquerades, and (hows; 
Vifits, plays and powderd beaux. 

Thus you have my cafe at large ; 
And may now perform your charge. 
Thofe materials I have furnifh'd, 
When by you refin'd and burnifh'd, 
Muft, that all the world may know'em, 
Be reduc'd into a poem. 
But I beg, fulpend a while 
That fame paultry burlefque ftyle ; 
Drop for once your conftant rule, 
Turning all to ridicule ; 
Teaching others how to ape ye ; 
Court nor parliament can *fcape ye$ 
Treat the publick and your friends 
Both alike, while neither mends, 

Sing 



M 4 VERSES ON A LADY, 

, Singmypraifein ftrain fublime; 
"Treat not me with doggrel rhyme. 
*Tis but juft, you (hould produce < 
With each fauk each fault's excufe : 
Not to publifhtfvery trifle, . - 
And my few perfections ftifle. 
With Come gifts at kali endow me, 
Which my very foe« allow me. . 
Am I fpightful, proud, unjuft f 
Did I ever break my truft ? 
Which of all your modern dames 
Cenfures lefs, or lefs defames ? 
In good-manners am I faulty ? 
Can you call me r«4e or haughty t , . 
Did I e'er my mite withhold 
From the impotent and old ? * 
When did ever % omit 
Due regard for men of wit ? , 
When have I efteera jexprefs'cj 
For a coxcomb gaily drefs'd ?. 
Do I,, like the female tribe, 
Think it wit to fleer and gibe ? l . 

Who with lefs-defigning ends, 
Kindlier entertains their friends ? 
Withgoodwordsandcount nance fprightty 
Strive to treat them all politely. .... ,:r 

Think 



VP&SES'Piy-A LADY, 395 

Think not cards my chief divcrfionj 
*T js a wrong unjuft afperfion : 
Never knew I any good in 'em, 
But to doze my head like lodanum. 
We by play, as men by drinking, 
Pafs our nights to drive out thinking. 
From my ailments giye me leifure, 
I (hall read and think with pleafure, 
Conversation learn to reliCh, 
And with books my mmd irabellUh, 

Now, methinks, I hear you cry j .. 
Mr. Dean, you muft reply. 

Madam, I allow 'tis true : 
All thefe praif^s are your due, 
You, like fome acute philofopher, 
Ev'ry fault have drawn a glofc overf r 
Placing in the flrongeft light 
,A11 your virtues to my fight, 

Though you lead a blamelefs lifej 
Live an humble, prudent wife ? 
Anfwer all domeftic ends, 
What is this to us your friends ? 
Though your children by a nod 
§tanp!in awe without the rod : 

7 l " Tkwgh 



396 VERSES ON A LADY. 

Though, by your obliging fway, 
Servants love you, and obey ; 
Though you treat us with a fmile, 
Clear your looks, and finooth your ftyle; 
Load our plates from ev'ry di(h ; 
This is hot the thing we wifli ; 

Col'nel may be your debtor ; 

We expe<ft employment better ; 
You muft learn, if you would gain us, 
With good fenfe to entertain us. 

Scholars, when good lenfe defcribing, 
Call it tafting and imbibing ; 
Metaphoric meat and drink 
Is to underftand and think : 
We may carve for others thus ; 
And let others carve for us ; 
To difcourfe and to attend, 
Is to help yourfelf and friend. 
Converfation is but carving ; 
Carve for all, yourfelf is ftarving ; 
Give no more to ev'ry gueft 
Than he's able to digeft : 
Give him always of the prime ; 
And but a little at a time. 
Carve to all but juil enough ; 
Let them neither ftarve, nor (lurT: 

And, 



VERSES ON A LADY. 397 

And, that you may have your due, 
Let your neighbours carve for you. 
This comparifon will hold, 
Could it well in rhyme be told, 
How converting, lift'ning, thinking, 
Juftly may refemble drinking ; 
For a friend a glafs you fill, 
What is this but to inftill ? 

To conclude this long eflay : 
Pardon if I difobey ; 
Nor, againft my nat'rai vein, 
Treat you in heroic ftrain. 
I, as all the pari£h knows, 
Hardly can be grave in prole : 
Still to lafh and laming fmile, 
111 befits a lofty ftyle. 
From the planet of my birth, 
I encounter vice with mirth. 
Wicked minifters of ftate 
lean eafier fcorn than hate: 
And I find it anfwers right ; 
Scorn torments them more than fpight. 
All the vices of a court 
Do but ferve to make me lpprt. 
Were I in fome foreign realm. 
Which all vices overwhelm ; 



#>S V&RS&S ON A LADY. 

4******** 

* * »' # * *' 4 » * ' . ...;"■ J 

• **#•***'»*. 'j V^' 

'•"f 

****.**■*•* '' 

Wnert my mme officious ventures 1 ! 
On the nations reprefenters : 
Teaching by what golded rules 
Into knaves they turn their fools : 
How the helm is rul*d \syWalpole y " '. . 
At whofe oars, like Haves, they all pull,: 
Let the veffel fplit on {helves ; 
With the freight enrich themfelves : 
Safe within my little wherry, 
All their madnefs makes me merry : 
Like the waterman ofTZames, 
I row by, and call them names. 
Like the ever-laughing fage, 
In a jeft I fpend my rage. 
(Though it muft be underftood, 
I would hang them if I cou'd) 
If I can but fill my nitch, 
I attempt no higher pitch, 
Leave to UAnvers and his mate 
Maxims wife to rule the ftate« ; 

PuVne) 



VE KStS ON A LAE>Yl $9$ 
PuUney deep, aceomplifh'd St. Jobns y • 
Scourge the villains with a vengeance : : 
Let me, though the fmell be noifbttiy 
Strip their bums ; let * Caleb horfe 7 emv 
Then apply AleEios whip, 
Till they wriggle, howl, and flap. 

Deuce is in you, Mr. Dean : 
What can all this paffion mean i 
Mention courts, you'll ne'er be quiet 5 
On corruptions running riot. 
End, as it befits your ftation : 
Come to ufe ana application : 
Nor with fenates keep a fufs f 
I fubmit and anfwer thus: 

If the machinations brewing 
To compleat the public ruin 
Never once could have the pdwY 
To affect me half an hour; 
(Sooner would I write in bufkins, 
Mournful elegies on f Blujkins) 
If I laugh at whig and tory\ 
I conclude afortiori^ 

* Caleb D'jfnven, the fa- and Mr. Pulttney, create dearl 

mous writer of 'the paper of Bath. 

called the Graft/man. Thefe f A famous thief, who wu 

papers arc fuppofed to be writ- bang'd fome years fince. . 



ten bf the lord 'Btlhfb^tk* 



AJi 



400 VERGES ON A LADY. 

All your eloquence will fcarce 
Drive me from my fav'rite farce. 
This I muft infift on. For, as 
It is well obferv'd by * Horace, 
Ridicule has greater power 
To reform the world, than four. 
Horfes thus, let jockies judge elfe,- 
Switches better guide than cudgels, 
Baftings heavy, dry, obtufe, 
Only dulnefs can produce; 
[ While a little gentle jerking 
Sets the {pints all a working. 

Thus, I find it by experiment, 
Scolding moves you lefs than merriment 
I may ftorm and rage in vain ; 
It but ftupifles your brain. 
But with raillery to nettle, 
Sets your thoughts upon their mettle : 
Gives imagination fcope ; 
Never lets your mind elope ; 
Drives out brangling and contention* 
Brings in reafon and invention. ' 
For your fake as well as mine, 
I the lofty ityle decline. 



* Ridiculutu acri 
Fortius tt melius, etc. 



I, who 



VERSES ON A LADY. 4©r 

I, who love to have a fling 
Both at S — n -^~e-h — fe and K— ; 



That they might fome better way tread 
To avoid the public hatred ; 
Thought no method more commodious, 
Than to fhow their vices odious ; 
Which I chofe to make appear, 
Not by anger but by fneer : 
As my method of reforming 
Is by laughing not by ftorming 
( For my friends have always thought 
Tendernefs my greateft fault). 
Would you have me change my ftyle j 
On your faults no longer fmile, 
But, to patch up all your quarrels, 
Quote you texts from Plutarch 's morals; 
Or from Solomon produce 
Maxims teaching wifdom's ufe ? 

If I treat you like a c — d h — d, 
You have cheap enough compounded. 
Can you put in higher claims 
Than the owners of St. J — •— s t 
You are not fo great a grievance 
As the hirelings of St. Stephens, 
You are of a lower clafs 
Than my friend Sir Robert Brafs. 

Vol. VII. D d None 



402 : VERSES ON A LADY, 

None of thefe have merey found, 

I have laugh'd and lafh'd them round. 

Have yoti feen a rocket fly ? 
You could fwear it pierc'd tjie fky : 
It but reach'd the middle air, 
Burfting into pieces there : 
Thoufand fparkles falling down 
Light on many a coxcomb's crown : 
See what mirth the foort creates ; 
Singes hair, but breaks no pates. 
Thus, mould I attempt to climb, 
Treat you in a ftyle fublime, 
Such a rocket is my mufe ; 
Should I lofty numbers chufe, 
E're I reach'd Pamajfus top, 
I mould bum, and burfting drop. 
All my fire would fall in fcraps ; 
Give your head fome gentle raps ; 
Only make itfmarta while j 
Then could I forbear to fmilc, 
When I found the tingling pain, 
Entering warm your frigid brain : 
Make you able upon fight 
To decide of wrong and right j 
Talk with fenfe whate'er you pleafe on J 
Learn to relifh truth and reafon. 
. . i Thus 



THE DISCOVERY. 403 

Thus we both fhould gain our prize : 
t to laugh, and you grdw wife. 

THE 

DISCOVERY. 

J tl7HEN wife lord t teMey £rft 
** came here/ 

Statefmen and mob expected wonders, 
K or thought to find fo great a peer, 

Efe a week paft Committing blunders. 
Till, on a day eut out by fate, 

When folks came thick to mafce their 
court, 
Out dipt a myftery of ftate 

To give the town and country (port. 
Nbw enters * Bujb with new ftate airs, 

His lordfliip's premier minifter 5 
And who in all profound affairs 

Is held as needful as his f clyfter. 

X When the earl cXBerkt- ing infinuated that the place 

ley went over to Inland as one of fecretary was not proper 

of the lords jufticev, the au- for a clergyman, found means 

thor, in compliance with his foon after they arrived at D»*- 

invitation, went over with tin to obtain it for himfelf. 
him as chaplain and private * My lord's wife fecretary. 
fecretary ; but Bujb, another f Always taken before my 

of the carl's attendants* ha- lord went to council. 

Oda With 



4 o4 THE DISCOVERY. 

With head reclining on his fhoulder, 

He deals and hears myfterious chat, 
While every ignorant beholder 

Afks of his neighbour, who is that ? 
With this he put up to my lord, 

The courtiers kept their diftance due, 
He twiteh'd his flee ve, and ftole a word; 

Then to a corner both withdrew. 
Imagine now, ray lord and Bujb 

Whifp'ring in junto moft profound, 
Like r good king * Ptyz, and good king 
Ufi, 

While all the reft flood gaping round. 
At length a fpark, not too well bred, 

Of forward face and ear acute, 
Adranc'd* on tiptoe, lean'd his head, 

To over-hear the grand difpute ; 
To learn what northern kings defign, 

Or from Whitehall fome new exprefs, 
Papifts difarm'd, or fall of coin : 

For fure (thought he) it can't be lefs. 
My lord, faid Bu/b 9 a friend and I 

Difguis'dm two old thread-bare coats, 
Ere morning's dawn ftole out to fpy 

How markets went for hay and oats: 

* Vide the Rebtorfal. 

1 - -* With 



THE PROBLEM. 405 

With that he draws two handfuls out, 

The one was oats, the other hay ; 
Puts this to's excellency's fnout^ 

And begs he would the other weigh. 
My lord feems pleas'd, but ftill direds 
. By all means to bring down the rates ; 
Then, with a congee circumflex, 

Bujh y fmiling round on all, retreats. 
Our lift'ner flood a while confus'd. , 

But gathering fpirits wifely ran for't, 
Enrag'd to fee the world abus'd 

By two fuch whifp 'ring kings of Brent- 
ford. 

lie PROBLEM. 

That my lord B— \ty ftinks^ when he's 
in love. 

DID ever problem thus perplex, 
Or more employ the female fex ? 
So fweet a paffion, who would think, 
Jvoe ever form'd to make a ftink ? 
The ladies vow and fwear they'll try, 
Whether it be a truth or lye. 

D d 3 Love's 



4c6 THE PROBLEM. 

Love's fire, it feems, like inward heat, 
Works in my lord hy {tool and fweat, 
Which brings aftink from every pore, 
And from behind and from before ; 
Yet, what is wonderful to tell it, 
None but the fav'rite nymph can fmell it, 
But now to folve the nat'ral caufe 
By fober philofophic laws : 
Whether all pamons, when in ferment, , 
Work out as anger does in vermin ; 
So, when a weazel you torment, 
You find his paflion by his fcent. 
We read of kings, who, in a fright. 
Though on a throne, would fall to fh — 
Befide all this, deep fchplars know, 
That the main firing of Cupids bow 
Qnce on a time was an a— gut. 
Now to a nobler office put, ' 
By favour or defert preferr'd 

From giving pailage to a t 

But ftill, tho fix'd among the ftars 
Does fympathife with human a-r- 



Thus when you feel an hard-bound breech, 
Conclude love's bow- firing at full ftretch, 
Till the kind loofenefs comes, and then 
Conclude the bow relax 'd again. 

And 



THE PROBLEM. *©* 

And now, the ladies all are bent 
To try the great Experiment, 
Ambitious of a regent's heart, 
Spread all their charms to catch a f — ■ j 
Watching the fjrft unfav'ry wind, 
Some ply before and fome behind! 
My lord, on fire amidft the dames, 
F— rts like a laurel in the flames. 
The fair approach the fpeaking part 
To try the hack-way to his heart. 
For, as when we a gun difcharge, 
Although the bore be ne'er fo large. 
Before the flame from muzzle burft, 
Juft at the breech it flaflies fir ft: 
Bo from my lord his paflion broke, 
He f — d firft, and then, he fpoke. 

The ladies, vanifh. in the {mother 
To confer notes with one another j 
And now they all agreed to name 
Whom each one thought the hajppy dame. 
Quoth Nealy whate'erthe, reft may think, 
I'm fure 'twas I, that (melt the ftink. 
You fmell the ftiqk l by G-=- you lye, 
Quoth Rofo % for I'U be (worn 'twas I, 
Ladies, quoth Levens, pray forbear, 
J-.et's not fall out, we all had ftiare, 

Pd4 An4 



46* A LOV£ POEM. 

And by the moft I can difcoyer, 
My lord's anuniver&l lever. 

A LOVE POEM 

FROM 

A PHYSICIAN to his MISTRESS. 

v* Written ait London in the Year 1738. 

BY poets we are well affur'd 
That love, alas ! can ne'er be cttrd\ 
A complicated heap of ills y 
Defpifing bolufes and pills. 
Ah ! Chloe^ this I find is true, 
Since firft I gave my heart to you. 
Now, by your cruelty hard-bound 
I ftrain my guts, my colon wound : 
Kowj jealoufy my grumbling tripes 
AfTaults with grating, grinding gripes: 
When pity in thofe eyes I view, 
My bowels wambling make mtfpew : 
When I an am'rous kifs defign*d, 
I belch'd a hurricane oitiind. 
Once you a gentle iigh let fall, 
Remember how IfucKd it all ; 

* Dean Swift was not in louden after tfee year 1 727. 

What 



A LOVE POEM. 409 

Vhat colic pangs from thence I felt 
lad you but known* your heart Would 

melt, 
Jke ruffling winds in caverns pent, 
Till nature pointed out a vent, 
■low have you torn my heart to pieces 
With maggots, humours, and caprices 1 
3y which I got the hemorrhoids^ 
\nd loathfome worms my anus voids. 
Whene'er I heat a rival nam'd, 
[ feel my body all inflam'd, 
Which, breaking out in foils and b lanes, 
With yellow filth my linen ftains. 
Or, parch'd with unextinguifh'd thirfi^ 
Small beer % guzzle'ttW 1 burft : 
And then I drag a bloated corpus 
Swell'd with a dropjy like a porpus \ 
When, if I cannot purge or fiale y 
I muft be tapped to fill a pail. 

On a PRIKTER's being fent to New- 
gate, 3/——-. 

BETTER we all were in our graves 
Than live in flavery to ilaves, 
Worfe than the anarchy at fea, 
Where fifhies on each other prey ; 

Where 



41© THE LITTLE HOUSE 

Where ev'ry trout can make as high rants 
O'er his inferiors as our tyrants ; 
And fwagger while the cpaft is clear ; 
But fhouk} a lordly pike appear, 
Away you fee the varlet fcudj 
Or hide his coward fnout in mud. 
Thus if a gudgeon meet a roach, 
He dare not venture to approach ; 
Yet {till has impudence to rife, 
And, like. Domitian, leap at flies. 

On the Little Houfe by the Church-yard 
of Caftlenock? 

WHOE VER pleafeth to enquire, 
Why yonder fteeple wants % 
fpire, 
The grey old fellow poet * Joe 
The philofophjc caufe will mow, 
Once on a time a weftern blaft 
At leaft twelve inches overcaft. 
Reckoning roof, weathercock and all, 
Which came with a prodigious fall \ 
And tumbling topty-turvy round 
Light with its bottom on the ground, 

* Mr. Btmmnt of Trim* 

For, 



AT CASTLENOC& + n 

For, by the laws of gravitation, 
It fell iatg its proper ftation, 

This is the little ftrutting pile, 
You fee juil by (he church-yard ftile j 
The walls in tumbling gave a {uiock $ 
iVnd thus the fteeple gave a mock J 
From whence the neighbouring farmer 

calls 
The fteeple, Knock ; the vicar, f Walk, 

The vicar once a week creeps in, 
Sits with his knees up to his chin ; 
Here conns his notes, and takes a whet, 
Till the frnall ragged flock is met. 

A traveller, who by did pafs, 
Obferv'd the roof behind the grafs ; 
On tiptoe flood and rear'd his fnout, . 
And faw the parfon creeping out \ 
Was much furpriz'd to fee a crow 
Venture to build his neft fo low. 

A fchool-boy ran unto't, and thought, 
The crib was down, the blackbird caught. 
A third, who loft his way by night, 
\Yas forc'd for fafety to alight, 

f Rev. Archdeacon Wall, 

And 



4i* THE LITTLE HOUSE 

And ftepping o'er the fabric-roof, 
His horfe had like to fpoil his hoof. 

War&ttrtan took k in his noddle, 
This building was defign'd a model 
Or of a pigeon-houfe, or oven, 
To bake one loaf, and keep one dove in. 

Then Mrs. jfobnfon gave her. verdid, 
And every one was pleas d that heard it: 
All that you make this ftir about, 
Is but a tf ill which wants a fpout. 
The rev'rend Dr.* Reymond guefs'd 
More probably than all the reft ; 
He laid, but that it wanted room, 
It might have been a pigmy's tomb. 

The doctor's family came by, 
And little mifs began to cry ; 
Give me that houfe in my own hand : 
Then madam bade the chariot ftand, 
Call'd to the clerk, in manner mild, 
Pray, reach that thing here to the child : 
That thing, I mean among the kale ; 
And here's to buy a pot of ale. 

* Minifter of Trim. 

The 



ATCASTLENOCK. 413 

The clerk faid to her in a heat, 
What 1 fell my mailer's country feat, 
Where he comes evYy week from town ? 
He would not fell it for a crown. 
Poh ! fellow, keep not (itch a pother ; 
In half an hour thoul't make another. 

Says * Nancy , I can make for mifs 
A finer houfe ten times than this, 
The dean will give me willow-flicks, 
Ami. Joe my apron-full of bricks. 

* The waiting- woman. 



fht 



• 

tthe author and his friends ufed to divert 
them) "elves for amufement in. making 
riddles ) fome of which have been print- 
ed y and were well received^ * as we hope 
the following will be, although we can- 
not tell the authors of each, 

R I D D L £ X. 

I With borrowed filver ihine 1 , 
What you fee is hone of mine"; 
Firft I fhew you but a quarter, 
Like the bow that guards the Tartar 5 
Then the half, and then the whole} 
Ever dancing round the pole. 
And what will raife your admiration, 
I am not one of God's creation, 
But (prong (and I this truth maintain) 
Like Pallas from my father's brain. 
And, after all, I chiefly owe 
My beauty to the (hades below. 
Moft wondrous forms you fee me wear* 
A man, a woman, lion, bear* 
A fifti, a fowl, a cloud, a field, 
All figures heavn or earth can yield 5 

* Nine of thefe arc printed at the beginning of th'it 
Volume. 

Like 



A RIDDLE. 41$ 

Like Daphne fometimes in a tree : 
Yet am not one of all you fee. 

XL ANOTHER. 

BEgotten, and born, and dying with 
noife, 

The terror of women, and pleafure of 
boys, 

Like the fiction of poets concerning the 
Wind, 

rmchieflyunrtilywhenftfongeftconfin'd. 

For filver and gold I don' t trouble my head, 

But all I delight in is pieces of lead; 

Except when I trade with a {hip ora town, 

Why then I make pieces of iron go down. 

One property more I would have you re- 
mark, 

No lady was ever more fond of a {park ; 

The moment I get one my foul's all a-fire, 

And I roar out my joy, and in tranfport 
expire. 

XII. ANOTHER. 

TH £ R £ is a gate, we know full well, 
That flands 'twixt heaven, and earth, 
and hell, 

Where 



4 i6 A RIDDLE. 

Where many for a paflage venture, 
Yet very few are fond to enter; 
Although 'tis open night and day, 
They for that reafon fhun this way : 
Both dukes and lords abhor it's wood, 
They can't come near it for their blood. 
What other way they take to go, 
Another time I'll let you know. 
Yet commoners with greateft eafe 
Can find an entrance when they pleafe. 
The pooreft hither march in ftate 
(Or tney can never pafs the gate), 
Like Roman generals triumphant, 
And then they take a turn and jump on't. 
If graveft paribus here advance, 
They cannot pafs before they dance ; 
There's not a foul that does refort here, 
But ftrips himfelf to pay the porter . 

XIII. ANOTHER. 

FROM heav'n I fall, though from 
earth I begin, 
No lady alive can fhew fuch a (kin. 
I'm bright as an angel, and light, as $• 

feather, 
But heavy and dark, when you fqueeze 
me together. 
5 Though 



A HID D L E. 4 r 7 

though candour and truth in my afpecl: 

I bear, 
Yet many poor creatures I help to enfnare. 
Though fo much of heaven appears in my 

make, 
The fouleft impfeflions I eafily take. 
My parent and I produce one another, 
The mother the daughter, the daughter 

the mother. 

XIV. ANOTHER. 

I'M up and down, and round about, 
Yet all the world can't find me out, 
Though hundreds have employed their 

leifure, 
They never yet could find my meafure. 
I'm found almofr. in ev'ry garderi, 
fray in the compafs of a farthing. 
There's neither chariot, coach, nor mill, 
Can move an inch except I will. 

XV. A N O T HER. 

I AM jet-black, as you may fee, 
The fori of pitch, arid gloomy night: 
Yet all that know me will agree, 
I'm dead except I live in »light t 
Vol. VII. E e Some- 



4 i8 A RIDDLE. 

Sometimes in panegyrick high 
Like lofty Pindar I can (bar, 

And raife a virgin to the iky, 
Or fink her to a pocky whore. 

My blood this day is very fweet, 
To-morrow of a bitter juice, 

Like milk 'tis cry'd about the ftreet, 
And fo apply 'd to different ufe. 

Moft wond'rous is my magic power : 
For with one colour I can paint ; 

I'll make the devil a faint this hour, 
Next make a devil of a faint. 

Through diftant regions I can fly, 
Provide me but with paper wings, 

And fairly mew a reafon, why 

There mould be quarrels among kings. 

And after all you'll think it odd, 
When learned doclors will difpute, 

That I mould point the word of God, 
And mew where they can beft confute. 

Let lawyers bawl 'and ftrain their throats, 

'Tis I that muft the lands convey, 
"And ftrip the clients to their coats ; 
r Nay, give their very fouls away.. 

A NO- 



A RIDDLE. 41$ 

XVI. ANOTHER* 

L^VER eating, never cloying, 
.•*-', All devouring, all deftroying, 
Never rinding full repair., 
Till I eat the world at laft. 

XVII. ANOTHER* 

"ITTE are little airy creatures, 

» ▼ All of difFrerit voice and features^ 
One of us in glafs is fet, 
One of us you'll find in jet, 
T'other you may fee' in tin, 
And the fourth a box within, 
If the fifth you mould purfue, 
It can never fly from you. 

XVIII. ANOTHER. 

ALL of us in one you'll find, 
Brethren of a wond'rous kind, 
Yet among; us all no brother 
Knows one tittle of the other ; 
We in frequent councils are, 
And our marks of things declare, • 
Where, to us unknown, a clerk 
Sits, and takes them in the dark. 

Ee 2 He'* 



420 A R I D D L E. 

He's the regifter of all 
In our ken, both great and fmall ; 
By us forms his laws, and rules, 
He's our mailer, we his tools ; 
Yet we can with greateft eafe 
Turn and wind him where we pleafe. 

One of us alone can fleep, 
Yet no watch the reft will keep, 
But the moment that he clofes, 
Ev'ry brother elfe repofes. 

If wine's bought, or victuals dreft, 
One enjoys them for the reft. 

Pierce us all with wounding fteel, 
One for all of us will feel. 

Though ten thoufand cannons roar, 
Add to them ten thoufand more, 
Yet but one of us is found 
Who regards the dreadful found. 

Do what is not fit to tell, 
There's but one of us can fmell. 



ANO- 



A RIDDLE. 421 

XIX. ANOTHER. 

FONTINELLA/oFLORINDA. 

TX7 H E N on my bofom thy bright eyes, 
* * Florinda^ dart their heav'nly beams, 
I feel not the leaft love-furprize, 

Yet endlefs tears flow down in ftreams ; 
There's nought fo beautiful in thee, 
But you may find the fame in me. 

The lilies of thy fkin compare ; 

In me you fee them full as white, 
The rofes of your cheeks, I dare 

Affirm, can't glow to more delight. 
Then, fince I fhew as fine a face, 
Can you refufe a foft embrace ? 

Ah ! lovely nymph, thou'rt in thy prime ! 

And fo am I whilft thou art here ; 
But foon will come the fatal time, 

When all we fee fhall difappear. 
'Tis mine to make a juft reflexion, 
And your's to follow my direction. 

Then catch admirers while you may ; 

Treat not your lovers with difdain 5 
For time with beauty flies away, 

And there is no return again, 

Ee 3 To 



422 A RIDDLE, 

To you the fad account I bring, 
fife's autumn has no fecond ipring. 

XX. AN O T H E R. 

NEVER fpeaking, ftill awake, 
Pleafing moft when moft I fpeak, 
The delight of old and young, 
Though 1 fpeak without a tongue. 
Nought but one thing can confound me. 
Many voices joining round me; 
Then I fret, and rave, and gabble, 
Like the labourers of Babel. 
Now I am a dog, or cow, 
I can bark, or I can low, 
I can bleat, or I can fing, 
Like the warblers ofthefpring. 
Let the love-fick bard complain, 
And I mourn the cruel painj 
Let the happy fwain rejoice, 
And I join my helping voice ; 
Both are welcome, grief or joy, 
I with either fport and toy. 
Though a lady, I am ftoiit, 
Drums and trumpets bring me out $ 
Then I clafh and roar and rattle, 
Join in all the din of battle. 



A RIDDLE. 423 

jfove, with all his loudeft thunder, 
, When I'm vext, can't keep me under ; 
Yet fo tender is my ear, 
That the loweft voice I fear ; 
Much I dread the courtier's fate, 
When his merit's out of date, 
For I hate a filent breath, 
And a whifper is my death. 

XXI. ANOTHER. 

MOST things by me do rife and fall, 
And as I pleafe they're great and 
fmall ; 
Invading foes, without refiftance, 
With eafe I make to keep their diftance ; 
Again, as I'm difpos'd, the foe 
Will come, though not a foot they go. 
Both mountains, woods, and hills, and 

rocks, 
And gaming goats, and fleecy flocks, 
And lowing herds, and piping fwains, 
Come dancing to me o'er the plains. 
The greateft whale that fvvims the fea, 
Does inftantly my pow'r obey. 
In vain from me the failor flies, 
The quickeft fhip I can furprize, 

E e 4 And 



424 A RIDDLE. 

And turn it as I have a mind, . 
Andvmove it againft tide and wind. 
Nay, bring me here the tailed man, 
I'll fqueeze him to a little fpan, 
Or bring a tender child and pliant, 
You'll fee me ftretch him to a giant; 
Nor mail they in the leaft complain, 
Becaufe my magick gives no pain. 

XXII. ANOTHER. 

VIT E are little brethren-twain, 
y Arbiters of lofs and gain, 
Many to our counters run, 
Some are made, and fome undone. 
But men find it to their coft, 
Few are made, but numbers loft. 
Though we play them tricks for ever> 
Yet they always hope our favour. 

To Dr. SHERIDAN. 

DEAR Sheridan ! a gentle pair 
Of Gallftown lads (for fuch they 
are) 
Befides a brace of grave divines 
Adore the finoothnefs of thy lines ; 

Smooth 



TO DR. SHERIDAN. 425 

Smooth as our bafon's filver flood, 
Ere George had robb'd it of it's mud ; 
Smoother than Pegafus old fhoe, 
Ere Vulcan eomes to make him new. 
The board on which we fet our a — s 
Is not fo fmooth as are thy verfes, 
Compar'd with which (and that's enough) 
A fmoothing-ir'n itfelf is rough. 
Nor praife I lefs that circumcifion, 
By modern poets call'd elifion, 
With which, in proper ftation plac'd, 
Thy polifh'd lines are firmly brac'd. 
Thus a wife taylor is not pinching, 
But turns at ev'ry feam an inch in, 
Orelfe, be fure, your broad-cloth breeches 
Will ne'er be fmooth, nor hold their 

ftitches. 
Thy verfe, like bricks, defy the weather, 
When fmooth'd by rubbing them together. 
Thy words fo clofely wedg'd, and fhort are 
Like walls, more lafting without mortar; 
By leaving out the needlefs vowels. 
You fave the charge of lime and trowels. 
One letter ftill another locks, 
Each groov'd,and dove-tail'd like a box; 
Thy mufe is tuckt up and fuccinct ; 
In chains thy fyllables are linkt. 

6 Thy 



426 TO DR. SHERIDAN. 

Thy words together ty'd in fmall hanks, 
Clofe as the Macedonian phalanx ; 
Or like the umbo of the Romans, 
Which fierceft foes could break by no 

means. 
The critick to his grief will find, 
How firmly thefe indentures bind : 
So, in the kindred painter's art 
The fhortening is the niceil part. 

Philologers of future ages, 
How will they pore upon thy pages I 
Nor will they dare to break the joints, 
But help thee to be read with points : 
Or elfe, to fhew their, learned labour, you 
May backward be perus'd like Hebrew, 
Where they need not lofe a bit 
Or of thy harmony or wit. 
To make a work compleatly fine 
Number and weight and meafure join ; 
Then all muft grant your lines are weighty, 
Where thirty weigh as much as eighty. 
All muft allow your numbers more, 
Where twenty lines exceed fourfcore ; 
Nor can we think your meafure fhort, 
Where lefs than forty fill a quart, 
With Alexandrian in the clofe, 
Long, long, long, long, like Dan s long 
nofe. A RE- 



L 4*7 J 



A REBUS, written fy a* L ADY, on 
the Rev. Dean SWIFT. With his 
ANSWER. 

CUT the name of the Man) Jo-feph. 
who his Mijlrefs denyd, 
And let xhzfirjl of it be only 

apply 'd 
To join with the prophet who Nathan. 

David did chide, ' 

Then fay what a horfe is that runs very 

And that which deferves to be firfl pift 

the/*/; 
Spell all then, an§ put them together, to 

find 
The Name and the Virtues of him I 

defign'd. 
Like the Patriarch in Egypt, he's vers'd 

in th.ejiate\ 
Like the Prophet in Jewry, he's free with 

the great ; 
Like a racer he flies tofuccourwith (peed, 
When his friends want his aid, or defert is 

in need. 



Mrs. Fanhmrigh, 



The 



[ 423 ] 

^ ANSWER, 

THE nymph, who wrote this in an 
amorous fit, 
I cannot but envy the pride of her wit y 
Which thus fhe will venture profufely to 

throw 
On fo mean adejign, anda. fubje& (o low. 
For mean's her deflgn, and her fubjec7 as 

mean, 
The jirji but a Rebus, the laft but a 

Dean. 
A deans but a par/on, and what is a rebus ? 
A thing never known to the Mufes or 

Phoebus. 
The corruption of verf? ; for, when all is 

done, 
It is but a paraphrafe made on a pun ; 
But a genius like her's no fubject can ftifle, 
It fhews and difcovers itfelf through a 

trifle. 
By reading this trifle^ I quickly began 
To find her a great wit 9 but the dean a 

fmall man. 
Rich ladies will furnim their garrets with 

fluff, 
Which others for mantuas would think 

fine enough : 



THE ANSWER. 429 

So the wit that is lavifhly. thrown away 

here, 
Might furnifh a fecond-rate poet a year. 
Thus much for the verfe 9 wc proceed to 

the next, 
Where the Nymph has entirely forfaken 

her text : 
Her fine panegyricks are quite out of feafon, 
And what Jhe defcribes to be merit is 

treafon ; 
The changes, which fa&ion has made in 

the ftate, 
Have put the deans politicks quite out of 

date : 
Now no one regards what he utters with 

freedom, 
And mould he write pamphlets^ no great 

man would read 'em j 
And fhould want or defert (land in need 

of his aid, 
This racer would prove but a dull-found- 
eid jade* 



Written 



Written by the Rev. T>oElor SWIFT, 
on his own Deafhefs *. 

T/Ertiginofus, inops,Jurdus, male gratus 

amicis ; 
Non camp ana fonanS) tonttrunon ah Jove 

mijum, 
£$uod mage mirandum, faltem ft credere 

fas eft, 
Non clamofa meas mulier jam percutit 

aures. 

In ENGLISH. 

DEAF, giddy, helplefs, left alone, 
To all my friends a burthen grown j 
No more I hear my church's bell, 
Than if it rang out for my knell : 
At thunder now no more I ftart 
Than at the rumbling of a cart : 
Nay, what's incredible, alack ! 
I hardly hear a woman's clack. 



* See an Anfwer to thcfc verfes in vol. XVIII. of thi* 
collection. 



An 



[43i ] 



An Anfwer to Riddles I, II, VI, and VII, 

in the Beginning of this Volume. 

"TWIDDLES! fuch trump ry we 

AV defpife ! 
(An over-curious Critick cries) 
" 'Tis childifh, trifling Stuff at beft! 
<c Baubles in antic garments drefs'd !" 

"Hold I (faid the Laughter-loving 
Mufe) 
" Thefe Bagatelles I ne'er refufe — 
" My darling Swift y with matchlefs (kill, 
" Can forms aerial raife at will ; 
" Make 7 Cloacinds Temple pleafe, 
" Paint * Cork-fcrews with poetic eafe ; 
" Myfterious themes unfold in rhyme, 
" And change the meaneft to fublime ; 
" Warm from his ' Pen, the happy thought 

To charm admiring worlds is brought; 

Like pureft * Gold we feize the prize, 
" And catch th'ideas as they rife." 






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REFERENCE DEPARTMENT 


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