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Full text of "The Works of the Late Ingenious Mr. George Farquhar: Containing All His Poems, Letters, Essays ..."

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J8e2 5 



V-, '■ 



Vv-> 



THE 

WORKS 

O F 

Mr* George Farquhar, 

VOL. II. 

CONTAINING, 

I. The INCONSTANT: Or, 

T H 1 Wa y t O w I n II 1 m . 

II. The T WlN-RIVALS. 
HI. The RECRUITING-OFFICER. 
IV. The BEAUX. STRATAGEM. 

The TENTH EDlTrOl^I. 

'> ■ . ' >■■'>' .■' 'i' ^^ \. . ' '. ' ; ' / •. 

LONDON: V;/. • ' 
Printed for John Rivington, W. joHRsfok, S.Crow- 

DBR, G. WOODFALL, T. CaSLON, T. LoWMDI«« 

W. N1COLL9 S» Blaoon, and R. Baldwin. 



T a 
RICHARD TIGHE, Efq; 

SIR, 

T^ Edications are the only Fajhiom in the World that are 
^^ more dijliked for being umnterfal \ and the Reafon is^ 
that they very JeUom Jit the Perfons they nxere made 
fir : But I hope to a'vold the common Obloquy in this Ad^ 
drefsj by laying afidt the Poet in emery Thing but the Dra- 
matic Decorum of fuiting my Chara^tr to the Per/on. 

From the Part o/* Mirabel in this Play^ and another Cha* 
raQer in one of my former^ People are 'willing to compliment 
my Performance in draining a gay, fplendid, generous^ eajy^ 
fine young Gentleman, My Genius^ I mufi confefjf has s 
bent to that kind of Defa'iption ; and my Feneration for you^ 
Sir, may pafs for unquejlionable^ fince in all thefe happy 
Accomplijhments you come Jo near to my darling CharaSer^ 
abating, his Inconjlancy. 

What an unjpeakabk Rlejpng is Touth and Fortune , nvhen 
a happy Underftanding comes in, to moderate the Dejires of 
thejirjly and to refine tip.n the Advantages of the latter \ 
lAjhen a Gentleman is Mafler of all PUafures, but a Sla've to 
none f ivho has travelled j not fr the Curiojity of the Sight, 
but for* the Improvement of the Mind's Eye ; and voho returns 
full of every Thiny but bimfef? — An Author might Jay a 
great, deal more, but a Friend^ Sir, nay, an Enemy mufi al- 
lonv you this. 

I Jhall here. Sir, meet vuith tvuo Obfiacles^ your Modefiy, 
and your Senje ; the firfi, as a Cenjor upon the ^ubjeSl, the 
Jecond, as a Critic upon the Stile: But I am obfiivate in my 
Purpoje, and vjill maintain ivhat 1 Jay to the lafi drop of niy 
Pen ; vjhich I may the more boldly undertake, having all the 
World on my Side ; nay, J have your very felf againfi you ; 
for by declining to'hear your ovjn Merits jour F riendi art 
authorized /^^ more to proclaim itn 

A 3 ^ Your 



6 The Epiftle Dedicatory. 

2\ur Generttjjiy and Eafinefs of Temper ii net only olvioui' 
in your c^jmrnon Affairs and Conver/atieny but more plainly 
eiider.t in your darling Amufement^ that Opener and Vilater 
of I be Mind, A ujic : — Fro^n your ^ffeiiion for tbis delight- 
Jul ^tudyy rwe may deduce the pleajing Harmony that is ap' 
parcit in all y cur ASiions ; and be ajjured^ Sir, that a Per- 
Jon inujl he p'jfejfed of a lery diiiine Soul^ luho isfo much in 
love *wiih the tntert aliment of j^ngels. 

From your Encourage?nent of Mufc, if there be any Poetry 
herey it has a Claim, by the Right of Kindred, to your Fa- 
fvour end j^ffe^ion. 7\ u 'were pleafed to honour the Reprt- 
J'entation oj this loy 'vcith your /,'ppeara^ce at fe<veral Times y 
nxhich flatttred my Hcpcs that there might he fomething in it 
^ihich yoi4r Good-natwe wight excufe. With the H^mur I' 
here intend for myf elf , I likei^^nfe confult the inte>ejl of my 
Nution^ by JheiKiing a Perjcn that is Jo much a Keputalion 
and Credit to my Country* Bejides all rhist I ivas ivi/ling 
to make a handjitn:e Compliment to the Place rf my Pupilage i 
by info-ming the World that fo fine a Gentlemen bad the Seeds 
of his Education in the fame Vniverfity^ and ct the fame ' 
Time ikith^ 



SIR, 
Your nod Faithfal, and 
Moil Humble Servant* 

G. FARQ.UHAR, 
PRB. 



THE 

INCONSTANT: 

THE WAY TO WIN HIM. 

A 

COMEDY. 

As it is Acted at the 

T HEATRE-RO YAL 

I N 

COVENT GARDEN. 



Jh no*vaftrt amtmus mmimtas dietn ftm^u- 
Corpora ■■ ^ ■■ ' « . Qvid. l)et. 



L O N D O Kx '. ; • • 
Printed for Jo HM Rivikctom» W. JoH»jTflt^',.S:Ctow- 
DHR, G. N^'OODFALL. T, Caslo^/'.T. L(»wirof<» 
W. NicoLL, S. Blaoow, aad R. Baldwiv. 



M,D€C4J»U1. 



lH)4uU 









•. « • • • • 
* - • • •••* ■ •• 



¥m<^>m^mmm^0mm 



><4s< 



PREFACE, 



TO give you the Hillory of this Plav, would but 
caufe the Reader and the Writer a Trouble to no 
Purpofe ; I ihall only fay, that I took the Hint from 
FUubirU Wild Goo/t Cb^t/e ; and to thofe who fay that I 
have fpoiled the Original, 1 wi(h do other Injury but that 
they would fay it again. 

As to the Succefi of it, I think it is but a Kiad ofGr- 
ai#»<i nufinefs. I have neither Loll, nor Won. I pufhird 
fairly, but the French were prepolfeiTed, and the Charms 
of GtilHc HeeU were too hard for an Enirlifi Brain ; but 
1 am proud to own, that I have laid my Head at the 
Ladies Feet. The Favour was unavoidable, for we are 
a Nation fo wtxy fond of improving our Undtrdanding, 
that the Inftru6ion of a Play does no good, when it comes 
in Competition with the Moral of a Minuet. Pliny tells 
ns in his Natnted Hiftwj^ of Ekpbunts that were taught 
to dance on the Ropes ; if this could be made practicable 
now, what a Number of Suh/criptiens might be hid to 
biing the Great Mogul out of FUtt'-Jlreet, and make him 
dance between the A£l> I 

1 remember, that about two Years ago, I had a Gen- 
tleman from France * that brought the Play-houfe fnmf 
fifiy Audiences in five Months ; then why (hould I be 
furprifed to find a French Lady do as much ? Jt is thf 
prettieft Way in the World of dtrfpifing the French Yiiw^. to 
let him fee that we can afford Money to bribe away his 
Dancers, when he, poor Man, has exhaufted all his Stock, 
in buying fome pitiful Towns and Principalities : Cum mu!" 
tis aliis. What can be a greater Compliment to our gene- 
rous Nation, than to have the Lady upon her Re-tour to 



* Conftant Couple. 

A4 



? OTW» 



8 PREFACE. 

Parts J boaft of her fpleadid Entertainment in England, of 
the Complaifance, Liberty, and Good-Hfiature of a People, 
that throng'd her Houfe fo fulU that (he had not room ta 
ftiCfe a Pin ; and left a poor Fellow, that had the Mif- 
fortune of being one of tkemfelves, without one Farthing 
for half a Year's Pains that he had taken for their Enter- 
tain meq.t? 

There were feme Gentlemen in the Pit the firft Nighty 
that'took the Hint from the Prologue to damn the Play '^ 
but they made fuch a Noife in the Execution, that the 
People took the Outcry for a Reprieve ; fo that the dar- 
ling Mifchief was over-laid by their over-fondnefs of the 
Changeling: *Tis fomewhathard, that Gentlemen (hould 
debafe themfelves into a Fadtion of a Dozen, to tUb a 
fingle Perfon, who never had the Refolution to face two 
Men at a Time; if he hQ3 had the Misfortune of any 
Mifunderflanding with a particular Per{bn, he has had ar 
particalar Perfon to ahfwer it: But thefe Sparks would 
be remarkable in their Refentment ; and if any Body fall 
under their Difpleafure, they fcorn to call him to a parti' 
cular Account, but will very honoi>rably burn hi« Houfe, 
or pick his Pocket. 

The Ntnxj'Houfk has perfedly made me a Convert 
by their Civility oa my fixth Night : For to be Friends, 
and revenged at the fame Time, I mull: give them a Play,. 

that is, when I write another. For t^adlion runs fa 

high, that I could wiih the Senate would fupprefs the 
Houies, or put in force the A£t againli bribing Elef^ions ; 
that Hoafe which has the moft Favours to beftow, win 
certainly carryit,^ Ypight of all poetical J uHice that would 
fupport t'other. 

1" hav e heard (bmc Pfeoplc fa extravagantly angry at 
this Play, that one would think they had no reafon to be 
difpleafed at all ; whilfl: fome (otherwife Men of good 
Senfe) have commended it fo much, that 1 was atraid 
ihey ridiculed me ; fo that between both, I am abfolut~ly 
ataLofswhat to think on't : For tho' the Caufe has 
come on fix Days fucceflively, yet the Trial, I fancy, is 
jiot determined. When our Devotion lo Lent^ and our 
Lady, is over, the Buiinefs will be brought on again, and 
thtn wc fliall huvc fair Play for our Money. 

There 



6 The Epiftle Dedicatory. 

i'<>ur dnenfiiy aiid Eafinefs of Temper h net ouly elweni' 
ifi jour r/mmofi Affkin and Converfatien^ but more flainfy 
iiidert in your daiHng Jimufement^ that Opener and Vitaier 
cj I he Mind, A yjic : — Frow your /fffediion for thii delight- 
Jul ttudy^ *we may deduce the pleajing Harmony that is aP" 
par CI t in all y cur AH ions ; and ie aj/uredf Sir, that a Per- 
Jon muji be p'jjfijfed t>f a lery di*vine Sou/t ivho isfo much in 
iove nvtth the tntertaiiment of Jngeis. 

From your Encouragement of Mufc, if there he any Poftry 
beret it has a Claim, by the Right of Kindred, to your Fa^ 
njour and Afff^iun. Tlu ixiere p leafed to honour the Refrt* 
Jtntation oj this lay njcith your /.'ppeara^ce at federal Times ^ 
'whiihjlaittred my Hcfcs that there might he fomething in it 
Hthich your Gocd-natwe might excufe. With the H^nmr I' 
here intend for myf elf , I likei,K'ife coffult the inte'ff of my 
l^ at ion, by Jhenxing a PerJ'cn that is Jo much a Keputalion 
and Credit to my Country* Ltfides all this^ 1 *wos HviHing 
to make a handjume Comp'iment to the Place rf mi Putilagt % ' 
by infetTning the World that fo fine a Gentlemen lad t%i Seeds 
of his F.dueation in the fame Univerfty^ and «/ the fame ' 
Time wtk, 

8IR, 

Year noft Faithfal, and 
Moft Humble Scrvanti. 

G. FARQ.UHAR. 
PRfit 



PREFACE. 9 

There is a Gentleman of the firft Underftanding, and 
a very good Critic, who faid of Mr. IViiist that id thit 
Part he ou:-aiie i himfeif, and all Men that he ever fav^. 
I would not rob Wr. H'ilks^ by a woife Expreflion of 
mine, of a Compliment th*t he io much deferves. 

I had almod forgot to tell you, that the Turn of Plot 
ia the laft A£t. is an Ao venture of Chevalier de CbaftiUom 
at Baris^ and Matter of FaA ; but the Thing is fo uni* 
verfally known, that 1 think this Advice might have been 
[pared, as well as all the refl of the Preface, for any good 
k will do either to me or the Play. 



1? 



A 5 THE 






THE 

PROLOGUE, 

That was fpoken the firft Night, received fucb 

Additions from Mr. , who fpoke it, 

that they are beft if buried and forgot. But 
the following Prologue is literally the fame- 
that was intended for the Play, and wrixten 
by Mr. Motteiix.. 

Y IKE hungry Gufjis^ a Jit ting Audience looh ; 
•/-> Plays are like Suppers : Poets are the Cooks. 

Ihe Founders You : The Table is this Place : 
The Careers nii : The Prologue is the Grac€, 
Each ASi, a Courfe ; each Scene a different Dijh : 
Tho^ ive're in Lent. I douht yjai^refiillfor Flejh, 
Satire* f the Sauce, higb/ea/on4* Jharp and rough ; 
Kind Majks and Beaux i I hofeyou^re Pepper-proof, 
Wit is the l^inei but Uis fo fcarce the true, 
Poets, tike Vintners, b alder dajh and brenjo. 
Tour furly Scenes, qjuhere Rant and Bloodjhedjoin^ 
Are Butcher"* s Meat, a Battlers a Sirloin : 
Tour Scenes of Love, /ofoiving, foft and chafe, 
Are Water-gruel, ^without Salt or Tafe, 
Banndy*s fat Vcnifon, nvhich tho* ft ale, can pkafe : 
Tour Rakes lo've Haui'-GcutSy like your damned Fi ench Checfe^ 
Tour Rarity for the fair Gueft to gape on. 
Is yeiir nice Squeaker, or Italian Capon ; 
Or your French Fir gin- Pullet, gnrnijh^d rounJ, 
And drefs'dfwiib Sauce of fome — Four hundred Pounds 
An Opera, like an Oglio, nicks the Age\ 
Farce // the Hofy P aiding of the Stage, 

For 



V;-, •■ ■ ■' 



DRAMATIS PERSONS 

1772. 

MEN. 

KAd MiraM, an aged Gent, of an" 
odd Compound, between thci 
Pcevifhnefs incident to his Years, ^ Mr. Sbutar, 
and his Fatherly Fondnefs to* 
wards his Son. 



Captain Duretete^ an honeft good- ' 

natored Fellow, that thinks him- J- Mr. Woodv^ard. 
felf a greater Fool than he 



Young MiraheU Ms Son. Mr. ^mith. ^ 

od-1 

im- S- 
is, 3 

Dugard, Brother to Oriana. MiT Gardner* 

WOMEN. 

€>riana, a Lady con traftcd to Mi-l 

rahely who would bring him to > Mrs. Leffingham. 
Reafon. j 

Bi/arre^ a whimiical Lady, Friend \ %M-r lui u- 
to Oriana, admired hybur. \ '^•^' ^'"^^"'- 

Zo^orrr, a Woman of Contrivance. Mrs. Dyer. 

Four Bravocs, two Gentlemen, and two Ladies* 

Soldiers, Servants^ and Attendants. 







THE 

INCONSTANT: 

O R, 

THE WAY TO WIN HIM. 

?ra?^w w w w WW wwww w w4 Aft w AlS?ift w w 

A C T I. 

SCENE, The Street. 

Enter Dugard> and bit Man Peiit /Vr Riding Habits » 

^i^^^^^ IR^ A H, What's a Clock ? 
<FS:^^f Pif/. TurnM of Eleven,- Sir. 
4^ S ^^? ^^' No more ! We have rid a fwinging 
tf)!^ J^}* Pace from Nemours fince two this Morn- 
*[Wl^^i^5^ ^**£' ''^'''^» '""'^ ^^ ^oujfeaus and befpcak 
'^^^'^ar'^fr-' a Dinner at a Lewis d'Or a Head, to be 
ready by One. 

Pet. How many will there be of you. Sir ? 

Dug. Let me fee Mirable one> Duretete two, myfelf 
three 

Pet, And I fpur.- 

Dug. How now, Sir, at your old travelling Familiarity ! 
When abroftd, you had fome Fradom for want of better 

Company ; 
3 



14 TH^e Inconftant : Or^^ 

jCompany ; but among my Friends at Parts^ pray remem- 
ber your Diftance — Begone, Sir. [£W//. Petit.] Thk 

Fellow's Wit was oeceiTary abroad, but he's too cufinia|; 
for a Domedic ; I mull difbofe of him ibme way tlfe.—^ 
Who's here ? Old Mirabel^ and my Si^ 1 mV <^eft 
Sifter! 

Enter Old Mirabel and Oriana. 

Ori. My Brother ! Welcome, 

Dug, Monfieur Mirabel Ym heartily glad to fee yoUr 

Old. Mir, Honeft Mr. Dugard, by the Blood of the 
Mirabtlsy I'm your moft humble Servant. 

Dug Why, Sir, you've* taft your Skitt fure, yonVe 
briik and gay, lufty Health about you, no iign of Age 
but your fi I ver Hairs. 

Old, Mir, Silver Hairs ! Then they are Quick-filver 
Hairs, Sir. Whilft I have goldea Pockeis, let my Hairs 
be Silver an they will; Adfbtrd, Sir,- 1 cacf dance, and 

iing, and drink, and no, I can't wench. But Mr. Dtt^ 

gardt no News of my Son Bob in all your Travels ? 

Dug, Your Son's come home, Sir. 

Old. Mir, Come home I Bob come home ! By the 
Blood of the Mirabels, Mr. Du^ard, what fay ye? 

Ori, Mr, Mirabel rcturn'd. Sir. 

Dug. He's certainly come, and yoa may fee him wiih-^ 
in this Hour or two. 

Old Mir. Swear it, Mr. Dugard^ prefently fwcar it. 

Dug. Sir, he came to Town with me this Morning; I 
left him at the Bagnieurs, being a little diforder'd. alter 
riding, and 1 (hall fee him again prefently. . 

Old Mir, What 1 And.he was afliam'd to a(k a Bleffing 
with his Boots on. A nice Dog ! Well, and hoii^ fares 
the young Rogue, ha ? 

Dug. A fine Gentleman, Sir. He'll be his own MeiTengen 

Old. Mir, A fine Gentleman \ Bat is the Rogue like me 
fiill? ' 

Dug. Why, yes. Sir; he's very^ like his Mother, and 
af like you as moft modem Sc^ns. are to- their Fathers. 

Old Mir, Why, Sir, don't you think that I begat him ^ 

Dug, Why yes. Sir ; you Hiarried his Mother, and he 
liberies your Eftate. He's very like you^ upon my Word». 

Ori. And pray, Brciher, what's becomt* of bisrhoncfl 
CompanioUf Duretcte ? 



Tie Way to win htm. tg;' 

T>mg, Who, the Captain ? The very fame, he went 
abfO»d ; he*f the only Frenchman I ever knew that could ' 
rot change* Your Son, Mr. MirMbel^ is more obliged 
to Nature for that Fellow's Compofition, than for his 
own: fait he's more happy in Dureiet^s Folly than his 
own Wit. In (hort^ they are as infeparable as innger and 
Thumb ; bat the firft Inftance in the World, I believe» 
of Ojppofiiion in Frien«^(hip. 

Om, JMir, Very well ; will he be home to Dinner^ 
think ye ? 

Vug. Sir, he has ordcr'd me to befpeak a Dinner for 
us at RouJeau*8p at a Lewis d'Or a Head. 

-Did Mir. A Lewis d'Or a Head ! Well fa5d, Boh ; by 
the Blood of the Mirabels, Bobh improv'd. But Mr. Z)«- 
gard, was it fo civil of Bob to vifjt Moniieur Ronjpau be- 
lore his own natural Father ? Eh ! Heark'e Ori ma, wliat 
think yoa,.aiow, of a Fellow that can eat and drink yc a 
whole Lewis d'Or at a Sitting? He mud be as Ilrong as 
Hercu'eSf Life and Spirit in abundance. Before Gad £ 
dod^'t wonder at thefc Men of Quality, that their own 
Wives can^t ferve'cm. A Lewis d'Or a Head ! 'tis enough 
to ftock the whole Nation with Baftards, 'tis Faith. Mr. 
Dugard, I leave you with your Sifter. \^Exk, 

hug. Well, Sifter, I need not aflc you how you do, 
your Looks refolve me ; fair, fall, well-fhap'd ; you're 
aln»oft grown out of my Remembrance. . 

Ori. Why, truly Brother, 1 look pretty well, thank 
Nature and my Toilet; I have 'fcap'd the Jaundice, 
Green -ikkners, and the Small-pox ; I eat three Meals a 
Day, am very merry when up, and deep foundly when- 
I'lp down. 

Dug. Bat, Sifter, you remember that upon my going; 
abroad you would chofe this old Gentleman for your 
Gerardian ; he's no more related to our Family, than 
Frtfler Jobn, and I have no reafon to think you miftrufted- 
zny Management of your Fortune : Therefore pray be fo- 
kifid as to tell me, without Refervation, the true Caufe of 
making fuch a Choice. 

Ori. Look'e Brother, you were going a Rambling, 
and^twas proper, left 1 Ihould go a Rambling too, that 
fomebody ihould take care of me. Old Monfieur Mirabel 
>s an hontft Gentleman, was our Father's FHend^ and 

has 



i5 ^be Inconftant : Or:, 

has a youfig Lady in his Houfe, whofe Company I lilce, 
and who has chofen him for her Guardian as well aa J«^ 

Vug. Who Madamoifelle Bi/am ? 

Ori, The fame ; we live merrily together, without 
Scandal or Reproach ; we make much of the old Gentle-, 
man between us, and he takes care of us ; we eat what 
We like, go to Bed when we pleafe, rife when we will, 
all the Week we dance and fing, and upon Sundays go 

firft to Church, and then to the Play. Now, Brother, 

befides thefe Motives for chuiing this Geiitlemaa for my 
Guardian, perhaps I had fome private Reafons. 

Dug, Not io private as you imagine,. Sider ; your 
Love to young MiraMs no Secret, 1 can afTure you, but 
fo public that all your Friends are alham'd on*t. 

Ori. O' my Word then, my Friends are very bafhful ;- 
tho' Vm afraid. Sir, that thofe People are n«t alham'd 
enough at their own Crimes, who have fo many BluiheS'. 
to fpare for the Faults of their Neighbours^ 

Dug. Ay, but Sifter, the People fay 

Ori. Pihaw, hang the People, they'll talk Treafon^ 
and profane their Maker ; muft we therefore infer, that 
our king is a Tyrant, and Religion a Cheat ? Look*e, 
Brother, their Court of Enquiry is a Tavern, and their 
Informer, Claret : They think as they drink, and fwaU 
low Reputations likeLoches ; a Lady's Health goes briik- 
]y round with the Glafs, but her Honour is loft ih, the 
Toaft. 

^fg' Ay, but Sifter, there is ftill fomething— 

Ori, If there be fomething;, Brother, 'tis none of the^ 
People's fomething ; Marriage is my Thing, and I'll 
ftick to't. 

Dug, Marriage ! Youngs Mirabel marry ! He'll build 
Churchcb fboner. Take heed. Sifter, tho' your Honour 
ftood proof to his home-bred AiTaults ; you muft keep a* 
ftrifler Guard for the future : He has now got the foreign- 
Air, and the Italian Softnefs ; his Wit's improved hyf 
Converfe, his Behaviour finifhed by Obf rvation, and his 
Afturances confirmed by Succe/s. SiHer, 1 can afture you 
he has. made his Conauefts ; and 'tis a Plague upon your 
Sek, to be the fooneft dcceiv'd by thofe very Men that 
you know have been falfe to others. 

Ori. Thca why will you tell me of his Con^uefts ? for 



Ti€ IVay to win him. ly 

I muft confefs there is no Title to a Woman's Favour fo 
engaging as the Repute of a handfome Diffimulation ;, 
tihere is Tomethiog^ of a Pride to fee a Fellow lie at oor 
Feet* that has trianoph'd over fo many ; and then, I 
den^t know, we fancy he mail have fomething extraor- 
dinary aboat him to pleafe as, and that we have fome- 
cbing engaging aboat us to iecure him -, fo we can*t be 
quiet tiUwe put ourfelves upon the lay of being both 
difappointed. 

Du£. But then. Sifter, he's as fickle— 
Org, For God*8 Sake, Brother, tell mc no more of his 
Fauhs; for if you do, I (hall run mad for him : Say no 
more. Sir, let me but get him in^o the Bands of Matri« 
mony, ril fpoU his wandVing, 1 warrant hiro, 1*11 do hit 
Btt/inefs that way, never fear. 

Dug, Well, Sifttr, I won't pretend to underftand the 
Engagements between you and your Lover ; I expe^^ 
when you have need of my Counfel or Aflillance, ^oo 
will let me know more of your Affairs. Mirabtl is a 
Gentleman, and as far as my Honour and Jntereft can 
reach, you may command me to the Furtherance of your 
Happitiefs : In the mean Time, Sider, I have a gceat 
xnind to make you a PreCent of another humble Servant ; 
a Fellow that I took up at Ljons, who has kt^^d, me ho« 
neftly ever fince. 

OrL Then why will you part with him ? 
Dag He has gain'd (o infufferably on my good Hu« 
snour, that he's grown too familiar ; but the FellowU 
cunning, and may be ferviceable to you in your Affair 
with Mirabd, Here he comes. 

Enter Petit. 
Well, Sir, have you beeo at RouJfeau\ ? 

Pet. Yes, Sir, and who (hould I find there but Mr. 
Mirabel Sind the Captain, hatching as warmly over a Tub 
of Ice, as two Hen Pheaiants over a Brood — They 
would not let me befpeak any things for they had dined 
before I came. 

Dug. Come, Sir, you (hall ferve my Sifter, I Ihalt ftill 
continue kind to you ; and if your Lady recommends 
your Diligence upon Trial, Til olc my Intcreft to advance 
you ; you have Senfe enough to cxpcft Prcferinent. — - 
Hcre^ Sirrah, here's tea Guineas for thee, get thyfelf a 

Drugget 



tf T[*hi Inconftant I Ofj 

Dfugget Suit and a PufF-Wig, and fo ! dub thee Gen- 
tleman Ulher.—- Sifter, I murt put xnyfelfin repair, you 
may expert me in the Evening— —Wait on your Lady 
borne, Ptfif. lExit. Dug. 

Pet. A Chair, a Chair, a Chair ! 

Ori. No, no, ril walk home,'tis but next Door. [Exfuftf. 

SCENE a ^Tofuenit difctfvering young Miraliel and 
Duretete rifing from 'fable. 

hUr. Welcome to Paris once more, my dear Captain^ 
we have eat heariily, drank roundly, paid plentifully, and 
let it go for once. I lik'd every I'hing but our Women, 
they lookM io lean and tawdry, poor Creatures \ 'Tis a 
fare fign the Army fs not paid. — Give me the plamp 
Venetian, briik and ranguiiie, that fmiles upon me like 
the glowing Sun, and meets my Lips like fpark- 
Kng Wine, her Perfbn fhining as the Glafs, and Spirit 
like the foaming Liquor. 

Dur. Ah, MiraBei, I/a{^ I' gr&At you; but for our 
Women here in France^ thty arc fuch thin Brawn fall'ii 
Jades, a Man may as well make a fied-fellow of a Cane 
Chair. 

Mir, France f A light vmTeafon'd Coantry, nothing 
bm Feathers, Foppery, ^nd -Falhiiohs ; we're fine indeeo^ 
fo are our Coach-Horfes ; Men fay we're Courtiers, Men 
abu/e us ; thac we are wi& and politic, non credo Seigneur : 
That our Women have Wit ; FafrotSr mere Parrots, Af« 
furance and a good Memory, fets them up :—— There's 
nothing on this fide the JIps worth my humble Service 
t'ye — Ha Roma la Santa ! Italy for my Money ; their 
Cuftoms, Gardens, Buildings, Paintings, Mufic, Poli^ 
cies. Wine and Women ! the Pa'adife of the Worlds— 
not pefler'd with a parcel of precife old gouty Fel- 
lows, that would debar their Children every Pleafure that 
they thcmfelves are paft the Sen fe of: commend me to 
the Italian Familiarity : Here, Son, there's fifty Crowns, 
go pay your Whore her Week's Allowance. 

Dur, Ay, thefe are your Fathers for you, that onder- 
ftand the Ncceffities of young Men ; not like our mufty 
Dads, who becaufe they cannot fi(h themfelves, would 
muddy the Water, and fpoil the Sport of them that can. 

But 



The Way t9 win him. 19 

Put now you talk of the Plamp, what d'ye think of a 
Dutch Woman ? 

Mir. A Dutch Waman's too compadk; nay, every 
Thing among *em is To ; a Duub Man is thick, a Ouub 
Woman is fquab, a Dutch Horfe is round, a Duich Dog is 
ihort, a Dutch Ship is broad- bottomed ; and, in Ihort, one 
wou'd fwear the whole ProduA of the Country were caft 
in- the fame Mould with their Cheefet. 

Dur. Ay, but Mirabel, you have forgot the LngUflt 
Ladies. 

Mir. The Women c^^ England ^Ntxt excellent, did they . 
not take fuch unfufferable Pains to ruin what Nature ha» 
made fo incomparably well ; they would be delicate 
Creatures indeed> couM they but thoroughly arrive at 
the French Mien, or entirely let it alone ; for they onlj 
fpoil a veiy good Air of their own, by an auk ward Imi* 
tacion of ours ; their Parliaments and our Taylors give . 
Laws fo their three Kingdoms. But come, DuretetCt let 
us mind the fialinefs in hand ; MillrefTes we mull have, 
and mud Uke up with the Manufacture of the Place, and 
upon a competent Diligence we Iball find thofe in Ptaris. 
maXi match the Italians from Top to Toe. 

Dur. Ay, i)firA^//,vou will do well enough, but what 
will become of your Friend ; you know I am fo pligoy 
balhful. fo naturally an Afs upon thefe Occafions, that— ^ 

Mir. Pfliaw, you mud be bolder, Man : Travel three 
Years, and bring home fuch a Baby as Baikfulnefs 1 A 
great luftv Fellow I and a Soldier 1 fye upon it. 

Dur* Look^e, Sir, I can vifit, and I can ogle a litt'e,. 
—as thus, or thus naw. Then I can kifs abundantly, 
and make a (hift to— but if they chance to give me a 
forbidding Look, as fome Women, you know, have a 
devilifli Caft with their E)jes — or if they cry — what d'ye 
mean; what d'ye take me for? Fye, Sir, remember 

who I am. Sir ^A Perfon of Quality to be us-'d at this 

Kate ! I-gad Vm flruck as flat as a Frying-pan 

Mir. Words o'courfe ! never mind 'em : Turn you 
about upon your Heel with a jantee Air; hum out the 
End of an old Song ; cut a crofs Caper, and at her again. 

Dur. {imitates him,} No hang it, 'twill never do. — 
Oons, what did my Father mean by flicking me up in an 
Univerfitji or to think that I ihoa*d gain any thing by 

my 



20 The Inconftant : Or^ 

my Heady in a Nation whofe Genius lies all m tbeir 

Heels ! Well, if ever I come to have Children of my 

own, they (hall have the Education of the Country, they 
ihaU learn to dance before they can walk, and be taught 
. to iing befoie they cm fpeak. 

Mr. Come, come, throw off that childifh Humour, 
put on AiTurance, there's no avoiding it ; Hand all Ha* 
zards, thou'rt a (lout Itrfly Fellow, ana haft a good Eftate, 
look bluff, hedor, yon have a good Side-box Face, a 
pretty impudent Face ; fo that's pretty well. — ^This Fel- 
low went abroad like an Ox, and is returned like an Afs* 

Dur, Let me fee now, how I look. [Pu/Is^ut a Pocket '^ 
Gla/s, andloiiks on't ] A Side-box Face> fay you I — ^Egad 
I don't like it/ Mira^eL-^F ye. Sir, don't abafe your 
Friends, I couM not wear fuch a Face for the bcft Coun* 
tefs in Chriftendom. 

Mir. V/hy can't you. Blockhead, as well as 1 ? 
^ Dur* Why, thou ha(t Impudence to iet a good Face 
upon any thing, I wou'd change half my Gold for half 
thy Brafs, with all my Heart Who comes here ? Odfo, ' 
Wrabel, your Father't 

£»/^rOA/ Mirabel. 
OU Mrr. Where's Boh f dear Boh f 
Mir. Your Blciling, Sir. 

OUMir, MyBIeffingt Damn ye. ye young Rogue; why 
did not you come to fee your Father firft, Sirrah ? M v 
dear Boy, 1 am heartily glad to fee thee, my dear Chila,. 
faith— Capt. Duretete, by the Blood of the Mirahcts, I'm 
your's Well, my Lads, ye look bravely faith. — Bob^ haft 
got any Money left r 

Mir, Not a Farthing, Sir. 
Old Mir^ Why, then I won'f gi' thee a Soufc. 
Mir. I did but jeft, here's ten Pilloles. 
Old Af/^, Why, then here's ten more ; I love to be 
charitable to thofe that don't want it:— 'Well, and how 
d*ye like Italy, my Boys ? 

Mir. O the Garden of the World, Sir ; Romey Napks, 
Venice^ Milan, and a thoufand others — all fine. 

Old Mir. Ay, fay you fo ! And they fay, that Chiari 
is very fine too. 
Dur. Indifferent, Sir, very indifferent ; a very fcurvy 

Air, 



Tit IVay to win bim. %i 

Air, the ni<^ unwholesome to a Frmcb ConAitution in 
the Worlds 

M>. Pfliaw* nothing on't^ theie rafcally Cazetn$rs 
have mifinformM yon. 

OU. Mir^ Mifinform'4 mei Ooas, Sir, were not we 
beaten there ? 

Idir. Bealen, Sir! the Frrvr^ beaten 1 
OidMir. Why, how was it» pray fwcet Sir ? 
Mir. Sir^ the Captain will tell yon. 
Dur. liot SUf your Son will teU you* 
MtTm The Captain wu in the Ai6iioo, Sir. 
Hur. Your Son iaw more thaa 1» Sir, for he was 
H Looker on. 

Old Mir. Confound you both for a bface of Cowards : 
here are no Germans to over-hear yon ; why don't ye tell 
me how it was?' 

Mir, Whv, then yon muft know, that we march'd op 
a Body of tne fineft, braveft, well-drefsM Fellows in the 
Univerfe ; our Commanders at the Head of us, all Lace 
and Feather, like fo many Beaux at a Ball — I don*t believe 
there was a Man of *em but cou'd dance a Charmer, Mor- 
bleack 

OA/ Mir. Dance ! very well, pretty Fellows, faith ! 
Mir. We caper'd up to their very Trenches, ard there 
faw peeping over a parcel of Scare-crew, Olive-colour'd 
Conpowder Fellows, as ugly as the Devil. 

Dttr. I-gad, I fhall never forget the Looks of 'em, 
"while 1 have Breath to fetch. 

Mir. They were fo civil, indeed, as to welcome us 
^'ith their Cannon ; but for the red, we found 'em fuch 
unmannerly, rude, unibciable Dogs, that we grew tir'd 
of their Company, and fo ive e'en danc'd back agaifi* 
0/</. Mir. And did ye all come back ? 
Mff No, two or three thouland of us ftay'd behind. 
O/J Mir. Why, BoS, why ? 

Mir. Pfiiaw — becaufe they cou'd not come that Night. 
*-But come. Sir, we were talking of fomething elfe ; pray 
. how does your lovely Charge, the fair Oriana ? 

Old. Mir. Ripe, Sir, juft ripe ; you'll find it better 
engaging with her than with the Germans^ let me tell you. 
^nd what woa'd you fay, my young Mars, if I had a 
Fenus for thee tool Come« BqI^ your i^partment is ready, 

and 



12 7be hconftani : Or^ 

u»6 pray let your Friend be my Gueft too, you fhall ( 
in^nd the Houfe between ye, and 1*11 be as merry a: 
heik of you. 

M/r. Bravely faid. Father. 
Let Mifert bend their /^ge mth niggard Cares, 
And (larve themfelves to pamper hungry Heirs ; 
Who, livin?, (lint their Sons what Youth mray crari 
And make em revel o*er a Father*s Grave, 
The Stock on which I gr«i«v does diil diCpenCe 
Its Genial Sap into thd blooming Brancn ; 
The Fruir, ht knows, ^om his own Root it grown, 
And theieforc footba thoft Pniion» once his own* 

Th End pfthi fiffi ACT. 

ACT II. 
SCENE, Old Mirabel'j Houfe, 

Oriana and Bifarre* 

BiJ. AND yon love this young Rake, d'ye ? 
f\ OrL Yes. 

Bif. in fpight of all his ill Ufage. 

Ori. i can't help it. 

Bif. What's ihe Matter wi'yc f 

O^i, P^aw! 

Btf. Um !— before that any yoang, lying, (Wen 
fUu«rkg, rakehelly Fellow (hould play fuch Tricks 
me, 1 wou*d wear my Teeth to the Stumps with Lim 
Chaflb — O, the Devil take all yoar Ca^andras and 
fatros for me. — Prithee mind your Airs, Modes, 
Fafliions \ your Stays, Gowns and Furbelows. Hark'< 
Dear, have you got home your furbclow'd Smccks ; 

Ori, Prithee be quiet, Bifarre ; you know I can 
aiad as you when this MiraM is out of my Head. 

B\f. Plhaw ! wou'd he were out, or in, or fom< 
to miike yott eafy. — I warrant now, you'll play the 
when he comcii and fay you love him ; eh f 



^he Way ta win him. 23 

Or/. Moft certainly"; — I can't diflemblc, Bi/srn :— 
tbefidesj *tis pall that, weVe contraded. 

Bif. Contracted ! alack- a-day, poor Thing. What you 
have changM Rings, or broken an old Broad-piect be- 
tween you ! Hea(k*e« Child, han't you broke fomething 
clfe between ye ? 

Ori, No, bo, I can aflure you. 

Bif. Then, what d*ye whine for ? Whilft I kept that 
in my Power, I wou'd make a Fool of an^ Fellow in 
FrMwe. Well, I mail confefs, I do l*ve a little coqnet- 
tins; with all my Heart ! my Biiiineis ihould be to break 
Gold with my Lover one Hour, and crack my Fromife 
the next; he ihoa*d find me one Day with a Prayer-book 
Ih my Hand, and with a Flay-book another. JEie ihou'd 
have my Confent to buy the Wedding-ring, and the next 
Moment wouM I laugh in his Pace. 

Ori. O my Dear, weJC there no greater Tye upon my 
Heart, than there is upon my Confcieoce, I wou'd ibon 
throw the Contra£t out o' Doors ; bCit the Miichicf on't 
is, [ am fo fond of being ty'd that Tm forced to be ^u(^ 
'and the Strength of my Paihon keeps down the loeiiAatioa 
of my Sex. ijut herc^s the old Gentleman. 
Enter Old Mirabel. 
Old. Mir, Where's my Wenches I where's my two lit- 
tle Girls : Eh ! Have a care, look to yourfelves, faith, 
they're a coming, the Travellers are a coming. Well ! 
''^ich t)f you two will be my Daughter-in-Law now? 
Bifarre, Bi/arrey what fey you, Mad«-cap ? Mirahil is a 
purp wild FeHow. 

Bif. 1 like him the wprfc. 

CftdMir. You lie, Huilcy, you like him the better, 10- 

Aed yottifo :^What fay you, my t'other little Filbert ? he! 

Qri. I fuppofe the Gentleman will chufe for himfelf. Sir. 

- OU Mir. Why, that's difcreetly feid ; and fo he fhall. 

Enter Mirabel uml Daretete, thtyjalute the Ladies. -> 

Boh, Hevk'c, you ihall marry ©tre of thc/e Girls, Sirrah* 

Mir. Sk, I'll aairy 'em both, if y«u pleafe.^ "^ 

Bif. [^*3 He'll find that o«e may ft*ve his turiy,- * \ 

OldMir, Both I Why, you young Dog, d'ye b^mttt 

me? — Come, Sir, take ^ourCheice.-^Z^cffV/f/^, yorffhall 

have yo4ic Choice too 1 omr Rotin (haH chafe feft., Ct^m<t« 

Sir, DCgiD, 



c 4 Thf ' Inconfiant : Or, 

Mir. Well; I an't the firft Son that has made hh Fa- 
ther's Dwelling a Baiivdy-hoofe— let me fee. 
' Old. Mir. Well ! which d'ye like ? 

Mir. Both. 
. Old Mir. But which will you marry ? 

iW/'r. Neither. 

Old Mir. Neither— Don't make me angry now, Bch ; 
^ray don't make me angry. — Look'e, Sirrah, if I don'-t 
<lance at your Wedding to-morrow, I ihall be very glad 
to cry at your Grave. 

JW/r. That's a Bull> Father. 

Old Mir. A Bulll Why, how now, ungrateful Sir, 
<lid I make thee a Man, that thou (houldil make me a 
£eafl ? 

iifiV. Your Pardon, Sir. I only meant your ExprelCon. 

Old Mir. Heark'e, Bob^ lv;i^n better Manners to your 
Father before Strangers : I won't be angry this Time.— * 
Bot Oons, if ever you do't again, you Rafcal, remembv 
^hat I far. 

Mir. PmaWy what docs the old Fellow mean by mew- 
ing me up here with a Couple of greeo Girls ? Come, 
Durtiete, wiH yon go ? 

On'. I hope, Mr. Mirabel t you han't forgot.— 

Mir. No, no. Madam, I han't forgot, I have brought 
you a thoufand little Italian Curiofities ; I'll afTure yOH« 
Madam, as far as a hundred Piftoles would reach, I han't 
forgot the leaft Circumftance. 
' On*. Sir, you mifunderftand me. 

Mir. Odfo, the Relics, Madam, from Rome. I dO 
remember now you made a Vow of Chaflity before my 
Departure; a Vow of Cliaftity, or fomething like itj 
was it not, Madam ' 

On. O Sir, I'm anfwcr*d at prcfent. ^ [Exit. 

Mir. She was coming full Mouth upon me with her 
Contra^— Would I might difpatch t'other. 

JDirr. Miratil-'^^-^^hU Lady there, obferve her, (he's 
wond'rous pretty faith, and foems to have but few 
Words; I like her mainly; ^eak to her> Man, prithee 
ipeak to her. 

Mir. Madam, here's a Gentleman, who declares— « ' 

Dmr. Madam, don't believe him> I declare nothing— « 
Wkat the Devil do you mean^ Man ? 

Mir. 



Tie Way U win him. 25 

Mir. He fays, Madam» that 70a are as beautiful as aA 
Angel. 

Dur. He tells a damn'd Lve, Madam ; I fay no fuck 
Thing : Are you mad, Mirsiel^ Why, I ihall drop dowa 
with 6hame. 

Mir. And {o, Madanif not doubting but your Lady* 
fhip may like him as well as he does you» I think it pro- 
per to leave you together. [Goin^, Duretete h^/dj Inm* 
Dur. Hold, hqla—- — ^Why Mirabel t Friend» Aire you 
won't be fo barbarous as to leave me alone. Prithee 
fpeak to her for yourfeif, as it were. Lord, Lord, that 
a Frenchman (hould want Impudence 1 

Mir. You look mighty demure, Madam*-She*s deaC 
Captain, 

bur, I had much rather have her dumb. 
Mir. The Gravity of your Air» Madam, promifes feme 
extraordinary Fruits from your Study » which moves 
us with Curiofity to enquire the Subjedof your Ladyihip's 
Contemplation. Not a Word ! 

Dur. I hope in the Lord ihe's fpeechlefs ; if (he be, 
(he*8 mine this Moment. — Mirahel, d'ye think a Woman'a 
Silence can be natural ?— 

Bif. But the Forms that Logicians introduce, and 
which proceed from (imple Enumeration, are dubitable, 
and proceed only upon Admittance— 

Mir. Hoyty toyty ! what a* Plague have we here? 
Plato in Petticoats. 

Dur. Ay, ay, let her go on, Man ; fhe talks in m/ 
•own Mother-tongue. 

Bif, 'Tis expoied to Invalidity from a contradidlory In- 
ftance, looks only upon common Operations, and is in- 
finite in its Termination. 
Mir. Rare Pedantry. 

D»r. Axioms I Axioms f Self evident Principles. 
B{f. Then the Ideas wherewith the Mind is pre-occu* 
pate. — O Gentlemen, I hope you'll pardon my Cogita- 
tion i I was involv'd in a profound Point ^of Philofophy ; 
but I (hall difcufs it fomewhere elfe, being fatisfy'd that 
the Subjed'is not agreeable to your Sparks, that profefs 
the Vanity of the Times, \^Exit. 

Mir. Go thy way, good Wife Bias : Do you. hear, 
J)ta^etet€? Do'ft hear this flarch'd piece of Aufterity ? 
Vol II, B Dur. 



26 TJbe Inconjlant : Orj- 

Dur. She's mine, Man ; fhe's mine : My own Talent 
to a T. ril match her in DialeAics, faith. I was Teven 
Years at the Univerfity , Man, nurs'd up with Barbara^ Cela* 
runtf Darii, Ferio^ Bara/ipton, Did you never know, Man, 
that 'twas Metaphylics made me an Afs? It was, faith. 
Had flie talkM a Word of Singing:, Dancing, Plays, 
Fafhions, or the like, I had founder'd at the iix'Si Step; 
but as ihe is — Mirabel, wilh me Joy. 

Mir. You don't mean Marriage, I hope. 

Dur, No, no, i am a Man of more Honour, 

Mir. Bravely refolv'd, Captain, now for thy Credit, 
warm me this frozen Snow- ball, 'twill be a Conqueft 
above the j^lps. 

Dur But will you promife to be always near me ? 

Mir. Upon all Occafions, never fear. 

Dur, U'hy then, vou fhall iee me in two Momqils 
xnake an Indu^lion n-om my Love to her Hand, from 
her Hand to her Mouth, from her Mouth to her Heart, 
and fo concltide in her Bed, Categorematice, 

Mir, Now the Game begins, and my Fool is enter'd. 
—But here comes one to fpoil my Sport ; now fliall I 
be teiz'd to death with this old fafhion'd Contraft. I 
ihou'd love her too, if 1 might do it my own way, bat 
fhc*ll do nothing without Witnefles forfooth. 1 wondtr. 
Women can be fo immodeft. 

Enter Oriana. 

Well, Madam, why d'ye follow me ? 

Ori, Well, Sir, why do you fliun me? 

Mir. 'Tis my Humour, Madam, and I'm naturally 
fway*d by Inclination. 

Ori Have you forgot our Con'rafl, Sir ? 

Mir, All I remember of that Contract is, t'lat it was 
made fome three Years ago, and that's enough in Con- 
fcieacc to forget the reft on't. 

Ori 'Tis fufiicient, Sir, to recollefl the pafling of it ; 
for in that Circumitance, I prefume, lies the Force of. 
the Obligation. 

Mir. Obligations, Madam, that are forc'd upon the 
Will, are no tye upon the Confcience ; I was a Slave to 
my Paffion when I pafs'd the Inftrument ; but the Reco- 
very of my Freedom makes the Contrad void. 

Or/. Sir, you can't make that a Compulfion which 

war 



The IVay to win bim. 27 

KK^as your own Choice ; befides, Sir, a Sabje6Uon to your 
3wn Defires has not the Virtue of a forcible Lonilraint : 
And you will find. Sir, that to plead yoar Paflion for the 
killing of a Man, will hardly exempt you from the 
Juftice of the Puniftimentt 

Mir. And (09 Madam, yon make the Sin of Murder 
and the Crime of a ContraA the very fame, becaufe that 
Hanging and Matrimony are fo much alike. 

On. Come, Mr. Mirabel, thefe Expreflions I expeded 
from the Raillery of your Humour, but I hope for very 
^Hferent Sentiments from your Honour and Uenerofity. 
Mir, Look'e, Madam, as for my Generofity, 'tis at 
your Service, with all my Heart: I'll keep you a Coach 
and ^x Horfes, if you pleafe, only permit me to keep 
niy Honour to myfelf ; for 1 can afTure yon. Madam* 
that the Thing called Honour is a Circumilance abfoiutely 
unnecefTary in a natural Correfpondence between Male 
and Female, and he's a Mad-man that lays it out, confi- 
dering its Scarcity, upon any fuch trivial OccafionF/ 
There's Honour required of us by our Friends, and Ho- 
nour due to our Enemies, and ihev return it to us again ; ^ 
but I never heard of a Man that left but an Inch k){ his 
Honour in a Woman's keeping, that could ever get the 

leaft Account on't. Confider, Madam, you have no 

fuch Thing among ye, and *tis a main Point ot Policy to 
keep no faith with Reprobates — thou art a pretty little 
Reprobate, and fo get thee about thy Bufinels. 

Ori. Well, Sir, even all this I will allow to the Gaiety 
of your Temper ; your Travels have improved your Ta- 
lent of Talking, but they are not tf Force, 1 hope, to 
impair your Morals. 

Mir. Morals ! Why there 'tis again now — I rell thee. 
Child, there is not the lealt OccaSon for Morals in any 

Bufinefs between you and I Don*t you know, that of 

all Commerce in the World there is no fuch Cozenage 
and Deceit as in the Traffic between Man and Woman ; 
we ftudy all our Lives long how to put Tricks upon one 
another — What is your Bufinefs now from the 1 ime you 
throw away your artificial Babies, but how to get natu- 
ral ones with the moft Advantage! — No Fowler lays 
abroad more Nets for his Game, nor a Hunter for his 
Prey, than you do I© catch poor innocent Men— Why do 
JB 2 you 



2 8 The IncQfiJlant : Or, 

fit three or four Hours at your ToUet in z, Morniog) 
only with a vilUmous Defign to make fomc popr fe]lo«v 
a Fool before Night. What are your languilhing Lookf, 
your ftadied Air and AfFe6tations» but fo many Salts and 
Devices to delude Men out of their dear Liberty ao(l 
Freedom ? — What d'ye ligh for ? Whai,t d'ye weep fo/ ? 
What d'ye pray for ? Why, for a Hufband : That is, yoa 
implore Providence to aflift you in the jud and piout 
Defign of making the wifefl of his Creatures a Fool, ai^d 
the Head of the Creation a Slave. 

Ori. Sir, I am proud of iny Power, and am refolv'4 
to ufe it. 

Mir. Hold, hold, Madam, not fo f*!!— As yon h^c 
Variety of Vanities to make Cox?ptpbs of us; {o «fc 
have Vows, Oaths, and ProteHations of all Sort;s fnd 
Sizes to make Fools of you. As you are very ilxange 
and whimfical Creatures, fo we arc allow'd as ajnaccoant-' 
able Ways of managing you. And this, in Aort, ray 
dear Creature, is oar prefent Condition. 1 have Avora. 
and ly*d briflcly to gain my Ends of you ; yp.ur Ladylhip 
has patched and painted violently, to gain ypur Eads of 
>je. — But, fince we are both difeppoiiited, kt us piake 
a drawn Battle, and part clear on both Sides. 

Ori, With all my Hearc, Sir j give me ujp njy Contra^ ; 
and ril never fee your Face again. 

Mir, Indeed 1 won't, Child. 

Ori, What, Sir, neither do one nor t'other ? 

Mir. No, you fhall die a Maid, unleG you p]eafi? t* 
be othcrwife upon ray Terms. 

Ori. What do you intend by this, Sir ? 

Mir. Why, to ftarve you into Compliance ; k>ok'e« , 
you (hall never marry any Mau ; and you had as jrood 
let me do you a Kindnefs as a Stranger. 

'Ori. Sir, you're a 

Mir\ What am I, Millrefs ? 

Ori. A Villain, Sir? 

Mr. I'm glad on't— I never knew an honeft Fellow in 
my Life, but was a VDlain upon thefe Qccafions. . ' ■ "^ 
Ha'n't you drawn yourfelf now into a very pretty Pi- . 
lemma ? Ha, ha, ha; the poor Lady has made a Vow of 
Virginity, when fhe thought of making a Vow for tho . 
contrary. Was ever poor Woman fo che^.ed into Vhaility f . 

Ori. 



fbe PTny to win blm. 29 

(V/. Sir, my Portuhe is equal to yours, my Friends as 

Sowierfu)> and both Ihall be put to the Telt» to do me 
ttiHce. 
Mir. What ! you'll force me to marry yoo, will ye ? 
OH, Sir, the Law (hall. 

Mir, But the Law catt't force me to do slny Thiag elfe, 
can it? 

Ori. Pfliaw, I dtfpife thee— Monfter. 
Mir. Kifs and be Friends then—I^on't cry, Child, and 
yoii ihall have your Sugar-plumb — Come, Madam, d'ye 
chink I could be io unreafonable as to make you faft all 
yoer Life long ? No, 1 did but jeft, you (hall have your 
i^ibertyi here, take your Coniradl, and give me mine. 
Ori. Nb^ I won't* 
Mir. Eh ! What is the Girl a Fool ? 
Ori. No, Fir, ]roa Ihall find ine cunnihg enough to do 
inyf^lfjilllk^; and fitiee I mu(l not depend upon your Love, 
rU be reyengM, and force you to marry me out of fpight. 
Mir, Then Til beal thee out of (^ight; ahd make a 
mod confbdiided Hufband. 

Ori. t) Sir, 1 (hall match ye : A good Hufband makea 
ft good WiA; ii anv Time. 

Mr. ril rattlt aown your China abbut your Ears. 
Ori. And 1*11 rattle about (he City to run yOu in Debt 
for moik 

Mir. Yout Face-mcndiilg Toilet (hall fly out of the 
Window* 

Ori» And your Face-mending Periwig (Hall dy after it, 

Mir. I'll tear the Furbelow off vour Clothes, and 

when you fwoon for Vexation, you (na'n*t have a Penny 

to buy a Bottle of Harts horn. 

Ori. And you, Sir, fhall have Harts-horn in abundance. 

Mir. rU keep as many MiftrefTeS as I have Coach- 

Horfes. 

Ort, And 1*11 keep as many Gallants as you have Grooms. 
Mir. V\\ lie with your Woman before your Face. 
Ori. have a care of ydur Valet behind your Back. 
Mir. But, fwett Madam, there is fuch a Thing as a 
Divorce. 

Ori. But, fwcet Sir, there is fuch a Thing a^ Ali- 
in6ny# fo divorce on, and fparc hot. [Exit. 

Mir. Ay, that feparate Maintenance ii the Devil ^ 

B 3 thfci^'s 



3^ 7be Inconjlani : Qr^ 

there's their Refuge — o' my Confcicnce, one wouM take 
Cuckoldom for a meritorious A^ion, becaufe the Wo- 
men are fo handfomely rewarded for't. [Exit, 

SCENE changes to a large Parlour in the/anu Houfe* 

Enter Duretete and Petit. , 

Dur. And (he's mighty peevifli, you fay ? 
Fet. O Sir, (he has a Tongue as long as my Leg* and 
talks focrabbedly.you wou'd think flie always fpoke^/^. 
Dur, That's an odd Language, me thinks, for her Phi- 
lofophy. 

?et. But fometimes (he will (it you half a Day witboHt 
fpeaking a Word, and talk Oracles all the while by the 
Wrinkles of her Forehead, and the Motions of her Eye- 
brows. 

Bur, Nay, I ihall match her in philofophical Ogles, 
faith ; that's my Talent : i can talk beft, you muft knour, 
when I fay nothing, 

Pet. But d'ye ever laugh. Sir ? 
Dur, Laugh ? Won't me endure laughing ? 
Pet, Why (he's a Critic, Sir, fhe hates a Jeft, for fear 
* it ihould pleafe her ; and nothing keeps her in Humour 
but what gives her the Spleen. And then for LogiCi 

and all that, you know 

Dur. Ay, ay, I'm prepar'd, I have been j>radiiii»g 
hard Words, and no Senfe, this Hour to entertain her. 

Pet, Then place yourfelf behind this Screen, that you 
may have a View of her Behaviour btrfore yoa begin. 
Dur. I long to engage her, left I (hou'd forget my itciToa. 
Pet. Here Ihe comes. Sir, I muft Ey. 
{Exit Pet. and Dur. ft ands peeping behind tbi Curtam* 
Enter Bifarre and Maid, 
Bif, [With a Book'y P(haw, hang Books, they four our 
Temper, fpoil our Eyes, and ruin our Complefiions. 

[flhronjus away ths Bmi, 
Dur. Eh I The Devil fuch a Word there is in all Arifiotlt. 
Bif. Come, Wench, let's be free, call i^ the Fiddle, 
there's no body near us. 

Enter Jidier. 
Dur. Wou'd to the Lord there was not, 
Bi/. Here, Friend, a Minuet .'—quicker Time i, luh-^ 
wou'd we had a Man or two. 

Dia\ 



T'le iray to win him. % i 

T>ur, [Siea/hg away.'] Yoa (hall have th$ Devil foooer, 
my dear dancing Philosopher. 

Bty: Uda my Life!— Here's one. 

[Runs to Dur. ««/ ha/ej him Back, 

Dur, Is all my learn'd Preparation come to this ? 

Bif. Come, Sir, don't be afham'd, thai's my good 

Boy— you're very welcome, we wanted Aich a one 

.Come, ftrike up — I know yoa dance ucll, Sir, you're 

finely fhap'd for*t Come, come. Sir; quick, quick, 

you mifs the Time elfe, 

Dur, But, Madam, I come to talk with you. 

Bif. kjy ay, talk as you dance» talk as yoa dance, come. 

Dur. Bat we were talking of Dialectics. 

Bi/. Hang Dialedics Mind the Time quicker. 

Sirrah, [fTo the FMr^ Come — and how d'ye find youc- 
felf now. Sir ? 

Dur. In a fine breathing Sweat, Do£lor. 

Brf. All the better, fa lent, all the better ^— — Come. 
Sir, fing now, £ng, I know you fing well; I fee yon 
have a finging Pace ; a heavy dull Sonato Face. 
; jDjir. Wh«, I iing ? 

Bif. O you're modeft. Sir — bat come, fit down, doftr, 

clofer. ^Hcre, a Bottle of Wine Come, Sir, fa, la, 

lay ; fing» Sir. 

' Dur. Baty Madam, I came^o talk with you. 

Bif. O Sir, you ihall drink iirft. Come, fill me a 
Bamper — here. Sir, blefs the King. 

Dur, Wba'd I were out of his Dominion6.— -By thif 
Light, ihe'll make me drunk t«o. 

Bi/^ O pardon me. Sir, you (hall do me right, fill it 

higher Now, Sir, can you drink a Healih under 

your Leg ? 

Dur. Rare Philofophy that. Faith. 

Bif, Come, off with it to the Bottom.— Now, how 
d'ye like me. Sir ? 

Dur. O, mighty well, Madam 

Bif, You fee haw a Woman's Fancy varies, fometimes 
fplenetic and heavy, then g^^y and frolicfome.— > And how 
d'ye like the Humoar? 

Dur, Good Madam,. let me fit down to anfwer you, 
for ! am heartily tir'd. 

Bif. Fye upon t; a young Man, and tir'd I up for 
B 4 mamcy 



32 The Inconfiant: Or^ \ 

Ihmne, and walk about, Adlion becomes us-^a little fafter, 
Sir — What d'ye think now of my Lady La fah^ and 
Lady Cof//f/, the Duke's fair Daughter ? Haf Are they 
not brifk LafTes ? Then there is black Mrs. Btllair^ and 
brown Mrs. BeVface. 

Dur, They are all Strangers to me. Madam. 
BiJ". But let me tell you, Sir, that brown is not always 
defpicable— O Lard, Sir, if young Mrs. Bagatell had 
kept herfelf fingle 'till this Time o°Day, what a Beauty 
there had b^en ! And then, you know, the charming 
Mrs. Monkeylcve, the fair Gem of St. Germains, 
Dur. Upon my Soul, I don't. 

Bif* And then you mud have heard of the Engitfi 
Beau, Spleenamore, how unlike a Gentlc"man— 

Dur. Hey— not a Syllable on't, as I hope to be faved» 
Madam. 

Bi/. No f Why then play me a Jig. . Come, Sir. 
Dur. By this Light I cannot; faith. Madam, I have 
ipratn'd my Leg. 

Btf. Thea fit you down. Sir ; and now tell me what's 
your Bufinefs with me? What's your Errand? Qgick, 
ouickj'difpatch — Odfo, may be you are fbroc Gentleman's 
Servant, that has brought me a Letter, or a Haurtch of 
Vcnifon. 

Dur. 'Sdeath, Madam, do I look like a Carrier? 
Bi/. O ; cry you Mer^y, I faw you joft now, I m\^ 
took you, upon my Word : you arc one of the travelling 
Gertlemen— and pray. Sir, how do all our impudent 
Friends in Italy f 

Dur'. Madam, I came to wait on yoa uith a more ft- 
rious Intention than your Entertainment has anfwered. 

Bi/, Sir, >our Intention of waiting on roe was the 
greateft Affront imaginable, howe'er your £xpreiIio5S 
may turn it to a Compliment : YourVifit, Sir, was in- 
tended as a Prologue to a very fcurvy Play, of which 
Mr. Mirabel and you fo handfomcly laid the Plot. — Af«r« 
ry ! No, no, Vm a Man of more Honour, Where's your 
Honour ? Where's your Courage now ? Ads my Life, 
Sir, I have a great Mind to kick you,— Go, eo to your 
fellow-Rake now, rail at my Sex and get drunk for 
Vexation, and write a Lampoon — But I mull have you 
to know. Sir, that my Reputauon is above the Scandal 

©f 



9%e fP'ay id win him. . 3 j 

of a Libel, my Virtut is fuflicientlj approvM to tkofe 
whofe Opinion is my Intereft : And for ihe reft, let Uien 
talk what ibey will ; iot when I pleafe V\\ be what I 
pleafe, in ^ight of you and all Mankind 1 and ib my 
dear Mam rf R^momr^ if yon be tir*d, con over this Leflbn, 
and fit there till [ opme to yoQ. [Runs fjf.. 

Dur. Turn ti dum. [^/ir^i] Ha, ha. ha, Ms w^ 
Lift ': I have a gnat Mind to kick /#» /— Oons and Coa- 
fuiion ! [Starts uf\ Was e?er Man io abas'd l-^Ay, Mirrn^ 
bit iet me on. 

Enttr Petit, 

Pet. Well, Sir, how d'ye find yourfclf ? 

Dur. You Son of a nine-cy'd Whore, d'ye come tO' 
abufe me ? TU kick you with a Vengeance, you Doe. 

[Petit runs off, and Dur. after him. 

4^.4^ lft4ft.4^4^wwW wwft w www ww^w 

ACT III. 

& C ]^ N E continues. 

Old Mirabel and the Toung.. 

Old Mir. 'b OB, come hither. Bob. 

^ Mir. Your Pleafare, Sir ? 

Old Mir.. Arc not you a great Rogae, Sirrah } 

Mir, That^s a little out of my Comprehenfion, Sir,. 
ibr Tve heard fay, that 1 refemblc my Father. 

Old Mir. 'Your Father is your very humble Slave — I 
tell thee what. Child, thou art a very pretty Fellow, 
and I love thee heartily ; and a very great Viilain, and 
I hate thee morully. 

Mir. Villain, Sir! Then I muft be a very impudent 
one, for I can/t recolledl any f^ffagt of my Life that I'm 
afiiam'd of. 

" Old Mir.. Come^ hither, my dear Friend ; do'ft fee thie 
E£lure ? IShetws him a little Picture. . 

Mir. Oriava'si Pfhaw f 

Old Mir. What, Sir, won't you look upon't ?— ^*i, 
dear Boi, jprithee come hither now— 'Do*ft want any Mo- 
ney, Child? 

Bs Mir. 



2^4 ^i^ Inconjlant : Oft 

Mir. No, Sir. 

Old Mir, Why then here's fome for thee ; come fiere 

now How can'ft thou be fo hard-hearted, ^n anna« 

tural, unmannerly Rafcal (don't mix^ake me, Child* I 
a'n't angry) as to abMfe this tender, lovely, good-natur'd 

dear Rogue? Why, Ihe fighs for thee, and cries for 

thee, pouts for thee, and fnubs for thee, the poor Httle 

Heart of it is like to burfl Come, my dear Boy, be 

good-natur'd like your own Father, be now— and then 

fee herer read this the Effigies of the lovely Oriana, 

with ten thoufand Pound to her Portion — ^ten thoufand 
Pound you Dog; ten thoufand Pound you Rogue ; how 
, dare yourefuft a Lady, with ten thoufand Pound, you im- 
pudent Rafcal ?• 

Mir. Will you hear me fpeak. Sir ^ 

OU Mir. Hear you fpeak, Sir! If you had ten^ 
thoufand Tongues, you cou'd. not out-talk ten thoufand 
Pound, Sir.. 

Mir. Nay, Sir, if you won't hear me Til be go6e,. 
Sir! I'll take Poft ioTjia'y^ this Moment. 

Old Mir. Ah! the Fellow knows I won't part withi 
him. Well, Sjr,. wha| have you to fayi» 

Mir. The univerfal Reception, Sir, that Marriage: 
lias had in the. World, is enough to fix it for a pub-- 
lie Good, and to draw tvtxy body into the common 
Caufe ; but there are fome Conftitutions like fome Ih- 
ftruments, fo peculiarly fmgular, that they make tole- 
rat)Ie Mufic by themftlve^, but never do well in a. 
Confort. 

Old Mir, Why this is Reafon, I muft confefs, but yet 
It is Nonfenfetco; for tho' you ihou'd reafon like an: 
Angel, if you argue yourfelf out of a good Eftate, yoci: 
talk like a Fool. 

Mir. But, Sir, if you bribe, me into Bondage with, 
the Riches of Cropfusy you leave me but a Beggar for 
want of my Liberty. 

Old Mir* Was ever fuch a perverfe. Fool heard ? 
*Sdeathj Sih, why did I give you Education ? was it to 
difpute me oat of my Senles ? Of what Colour now U 
the Head of this Cane? Youll fay 'tis white, and ten 

to one make rae ^e'ieve it too > 1 thought that young 

Ufljlows iludicd to get Money., 

Mir*, 



Tie Way to win Mm. $5 

Mir. No, Sir, I have ftadyM to defpi/e it; my Read-* 
fug was net to make me rich, but happy, ^ir. 

OA/ Mir, There he has me agaia now,. But, Sir, did 
not I mariy to oblige you ? 

Mir, To oblige me, Sir, in what refpeA pray? 

OU Mir. Why, to bring you into the World, Sir; 
wasn't that an Obligation ? ^ ^ 

Mir. And becaule i wou'd have it flill an Obligation^. 
I avoid Marriage. 

Old Mir. How is that; Sir? 
- Mir. Becaufe I wou'd not curfe the Hour I was born. 
: Old Mir. Look'e, Friend, you may perfuade me out 
of my Defigns, but Til command you out of )ours; and 
tho' you may convince my Keafon that you are in the 
right, yet there is an old Attendart of Sixty-three, 
caird Pofitivenefs, which you nor all the Wits in Italy 
ihall ever bo able to (hake: fo, Sir, you're a Wit, and 
I'm a Father ; you may talk, but I'll be obey'd. 

Mir. This it is to have the Son a finer Gentleman than 
the Father; they firft give us Breeding that they don't 
onderftand, then they turn us out of Doors 'caufe we are 
wifer than themfelves. But I'm a little aforehand with 
die old Gentleman, f^^.] Sir, you have been pleased 
to fettle a thoufand Pound Sterling a Year upon me ; in 
return of which, I have a very great Honour for you and 
your Family, and fhall take care that your only and 
beloved Son fhall do nothing to make him hate his Fa- 
ther, or to hang himfelf. So, dear Sir, I'm your very 
humble Servant [Runs off', 

. O/dMir. Het€, Sirrah, Rogue, Boir, Villain! 
i Enter Dugard. 

Dug. Ah, Sir, 'tis but what he deferves. 

Old Mir. 'Tis falfe, Sir, he don't deferve if: what 
have you to fay againfl my Boy, Sir ? 

Dug. I fhall only repeat your own Words. 

Old Mir. What have you to do with my Words ? I 
have fwallow'd my Words already, I have eaten them 
up, and how can you come at 'em. Sir? 

Dug. Very eafily, Sir: 'Tis but mentioning your 
injur'd Ward, and you will throw them up again im- 
fliediately. 

OldMir^ Sir, youf Sifter wai a foolifti young Flirt (o 

truil 



3^ 



Vbe Jmonfian/ : Oti 



trail any facb yooag, deceitfaU rakti-hcUy Rogtie^ Kke 
iim. . 

Di^. Cry you Mercy, old Geatkmtn, I thoagbt we 
fiiou'd have the Wordji again. 

Old Mir, And what then ? ^it the way with ycmng 
Fellows to flight old Gentleman's Wordaf, yot never" 
Qiind 'em when you ought. — I Tay^ that B9b*% an htfneft 
Fellow, and who daf eft deny it ? 

Enter Bifarre. 

Bif. That dare I, Sir : — I fay, that your Son is a wild* 
foppiih, whimfKral, impertinent Coxcomb; and were I 
abus'd as this Gen^eman's Sifter id, I wou*d make it an 
Italian Quarrel, and poifon the whole Family. ' 

/)Ǥ-. Come, Sir, 'cis no Time for triflings my Sifter 
IS abus'd ; you are made feniibJe of the A^ont, and /our 
honour is concern'd to, fee her redrefs'd. 

Old Mir, Look*e, Mr. Dugard^ good Words go fat- 
(heft. I will do your Sift^er Juftice, but it mv& be after 
my own rate, no body muft abuie my Son bat myfelf. 
For altho' Rtihin be a fad Dog, yet he's no body's Poppy 
but my own. 

Bif. Ay, that's my fwcet-natur'd; kind old Gentle- 
man— ^[^i6#/i^/»j' him,'] We will be goodthen, if youll'f 
jjoin with, us in the Plot. 

Old Min» Ah, you coaxing young Baggage,. wJiat Plot- 
can you have to wheedle a Fellow of Sixty-three ?. 

Bif' A Plot that Sixty-three is only good £pt> to bring 
other People togeth«r. Sir; a Spanifi Plot lefs dangerom 
than that of Eighty-eightj and you muft aft the Spaniard: 
'caufe your Son will leaft fufpe6t you ; and if he fhou'd, 
your Authority proefts you from a Quarrel,, to-whict 
OrJa?m h unwilling to expofe her Brother. 

Old Mir. And what. Part, will you aQ ih.theBufinefs^ 
Madam ? 

J5//; Myfelf, Sir; my Friend is. grown a perfect 
Changeling : thefe fooliih Hearts of ours fpoil our Heads, 
prefenily ; the Fellows no fooner turn Knaves, but we 
turn Fools : But I am ftill myfelf, and he may expedl 
the moft fevere Ufage from me, 'caufe 1 neither love himj^ 
nor hate him. [^Exiu 

Old Mir, Well faid, Mrs. Paradox j but, Sir, who« 
muft open the Matter to him ^ 

Vug., 



Tii Jf^ay to mn Urn. ^ 

Dtgk Pitlff Sir0 who b owr Engiaeei^^eiieral. Aad 
l^cre he comes. 

EtHer P^tit. 

Pit. O Sk» more Difcoveries ^ ve til Friimda abeii^^ 
«i? 

Dug. Ay, ay, fpcak fjreely-. 

Pa^ Yovt muk know^ Sir,— ^-^od*! my Life, I*m oift 
of Br«atb ; you maft know. Sir, — yon muft know— 

OU Mir. What the Devil, mcft we know. Sir ? 

Pet. That I ' have [PoMti and hlvwi\ brib'd, Sf, 
Wib'd— >yMrr Sdn's Secretary ef State. 

Old Mir. Secretary of State !— who*s that for Heiv'n*8 
lake? 

PH. Hi» Valet-de-Ghanbre, Sir? Ybu mod know^ 
Sir, ihat the Intngue lay folded np with his Mafter*a 
Clothes, and when he went to duft the embroidered Suit, 
the Seeret tew out of the right Pocket of his Coat, in 9^ 
whole fwanta of your Cramlx> Songs>, ihort-footed Odet, 
and long*legg'd Pindarias^ 

Old Mir. impoffbie! 

Pet. Ah« Sir, he has lov'd her all along; there was 
Oriana in tyery Line, but he hates Marriage . Now, Sir, 
tliis Plot will itir op his Jealoofy, and we fliall know by 
the StFongth •f that how to proceed, farther. 

Comr, Sir, lets about it with fpeed, 

*Tis Expedition gives onr King the Sway^ 

For Expedition to the FreneB give way ; 

Swift to attack, or fwift — to run away. [Exennt. 

Enter Mirabel «n/ Bi^re, faffing earele/siy hy ene another.. 

Bif. [Jfide.'] I wonder what (he- can fee in this FcyiOw 
to like him ? 

Mir. [v^Jfe^.J I wonder what my Friend can i^e in this 
Girl to admire her ? 

Bif. [^Afide.'\ A wild, foppiih, extravagant Rakc-hcll. 

Mir. l^de.} A light, whimfical, impertinent Mad-^- 
Cap. 

Bi/. Whom do you mcan^ Sir ? 

Mir. Whom do you mean, Madam f 

Bi/ A Fellow that has nothing left to re-eftablifh him 
for a hum^ Creature, but a prudent Refolution to h^ng 
himfelf. 



jS ^bd Inconftant : Or^ 

Mr. There is a Way, Madam, to fbrce me to* that 
Refolution. 

J5//. ril do't with all my Heart. 

Mr. Then you muft marry me. 

Bi/, Look^e, Sir, don't think your ill Manners to me 
fhall excufa your ill Ufage of my Friend ;. nor by fixing 
a Quarrel here, to divert my Zeal for the abfent ; for Vm 
refolv'd, nay, I come prepared to make you a Panegy^ 
ric, that fhalL mortify your Pride like an/ modern Dedi- 
cation. 

Mir, And t, Madam, like a true modern Patron, (hall 
hardly give you thanks for y-our Trouble. 

Bi/. Come, Sir, to let you fee what little Foundatioi 
you have for your dear Sufficiency, I'll take you t# 
pieces. 

Mir. And what Piece will you-chuft ? 

Bi/. Your Heart, to be fure; 'caufe I fhou'd get pre»» 
fently rid on't;, your Courage I wou'd give to a Hedtor^ 
your Wit to a lewd Play-maker, your Honour to an AU 
torney, your Body to the Phyficians, and your Soul to its 
Mailer. 

Mir. I had the oddefl Dream lad Night of the Dutcheis 
of Burgundy ; methought the Furbelows of her Gown 
were pinn*d up fo high behind,, that 1 cou'd not fee her 
Head for her Tail. 

Bi/. The Creature don't mind me ! do you think. Sir,, 
that your humourous Impertinence can divert me ? No,. 
Sir,. I'm above any Pleafure that you can give, but that 
of feeiiTg you miferable. And mark me, Sir, my Friend,, 
my injur'd Friend (hall yet be doubly happy, and yoE 
fhall be a Hufband as much as the Rites of Marriage, and' 
the Breach of 'em can make you. 

[ Here Mirabel pul/j out a Virgil, and rtads to himfelf ' 
nxibVe Jhe fpeaks.'\ 

Mir, [Reading.] y^/ Regina do.os^ (quis falter e fofftt: 
amaniem ?J 

DtJJimulare etidm fptrafi^ fiffde ianlum [Very true.] 

Pojfi nefas. 
By your Favour, Friend VirgiU 'twas but a rafcally 
Trick of your Hero to forfake poor Pug fo inhumanly^ 

Bif.'^l don't know what lo fay to him. The Devil— - ' 
ikhai*5 r/r^;7 to us, Sir ? 

Mr. . 



Tie fTajr to win him. ^g- 

Mir. Very much. Madam, the mofl a^rpfts in the 
World— for, what fhou'd I chop upon, but the very Place 
where ihe perjur'd Rogue of a Lover and the forfaking 
Lady are battling it Tooih and Nail. Come, Madam, 
ff end your Spirits no longer, we'll take an cafier Me- 
thod : ril ht\£niai now, and you fhall be Didtk^ and we'll 
rail by Book. Now for you, Madam Dido» 

Nee te nofier amor^ nee te data dexter a quondam^ 
Nee Moriiura tenet crudeli funere Dido 

Ah, poor Dido ! \Looking at hen. 

Bif, Rpdenefs, Affronts, Impatien<e f i coa'd almoll 
flart out even to Manhood, and wane but a VVeapoi as 
long as his to figlit him upon the Spot. What fiiall I 
fay? 

Mir* Now ft« rants. 

^a qui bus anteferam ? /am jam nee Maxima Juntr, 

Bif, A Man ! No, the Woman's Birth was . fpirited 
away. 

Mir, Right, right, Madam, the very Words. 

Bif And feme pernicious Elf left in the Cradle with 
buman Shape to palliate growing Mifchief. 

[^Both /peak together i and raife their Foieet by Degrees. 

Mir. Perfide, fed duris genuit te Cautihus borrens* 
Caucafusy Hyreameque admorunt Ubera Tigres, 

Bif Go, Sir, fly to your Midnight Revels. ■ 

Mir. [Excellent] I fquere Italiam vet^tis^ pete regna 
per undas, 

Spero equidem mediis, ft quid pi a Numina poffunt* 

['Together again » 

Bif Converfe with Imps of Darknefs of your Make, 
your Nature ftarts at Juftice, and fliivers at the Touch 
of Virtue. Now the Devil take his Impudence, he 
vexes me fo, I don't know whether to cry or laugh at 
him. 

Mir. Bravely perform'd, my dcsLT Libyan; Til write 
the Tragedy of Dido^ and you fhall afl the Part : But 
you do nothing at all, unlefs you fret yourfelf into a Fit ; 
for here the poor Lady is ftifled with Vapours, drops into 
tbcArmsof her Maids; and th« crueV barbarous, de- 

•titfui 



40 rbelnconftant: Or^ 

teitfal Wimdefer, is in the verf next Line! cidlM Pious 
JEneas. — There's Authority iot ye. 

Sorry indeed jEneas ftood 

To fee her i« a Pout ; 
But Jove himfelf, who ne'er thought good 

To ftay a fecond Bout, 
Commands him off with all his Crew, 

And leaves poor Dy^ as I leave you» [Runs of. 

Bif, Go thy ways, for a dear, mad, deceitful, agree- 
able fellow. O' my Confcience I muft excufe Otsdmm. 
That Lover foon his angry Fair difarms, 
'Whofe Slighting pkafes, and whofe Faults areCharms* 

Enter Petir, runs about to e'very Door^ and knoch. 

Pet, Mr. Mirabel/ Sir, where are you I no wliere. ta 
be found ? 

Enter Mirabel. 

Mr. What's the Matter, Petit P 

Pet. M oft critically met Ah, Sir,, that one who his 

followed the Game fo long, and brought the poor Hare 
juft under his Paws, (hoald let a Mungrel Cor chop xii| 
and run away with the Pufs. 

Mir. If your Worfhip can get ont of your Allegoiies^ 
be pleas'd to tell me in three Words what you mean. 

Pet. Plain, plain. Sir. Your Miftreii and mind is 
going to be marry'd. 

Mir. I believe you lye, Sir. 

Pet. Your humble Servant, Sir. [Goin^ 

Mir. Come hither, Petit. Marry'd, fay you? 

Pet. No, Sir, 'tis no' Matter ; 1 only thought to da- 
you a Service, but I fliall take Care how I coofcr my 
favours for the future. 

Mir. Sir, I beg ten thoufand Pardons. ^Bowing io«ur*. 

Pet. 'Tis enough, Sir, — I come to tell you. Sir, that 
Oriana is this Moment to be facriiiced ; marry'd paft Re^- 
demotion. 

Mir. I underftand her, ihc'll take a Hufband out of 
Spight to me, and then out of Love to me fhe will make 
him a Cuckold ; 'tis ordinary with Women to marry one 
Perfon for the Sake of another, and to throw therofelvct- 
into rhe Arms of one they hate, to fecure their Pleafure 
with the Man they love. But who is the happy Man ? 



Tie Way to win him. 41 

Pet. A Lord, Sir. 

Mir. I'm her Ladvfhip*8 moft hamble Senrant ; a Train 
and a Title, hey ! Room for my Lady*s Coach, a Prbnt- 
row in the Box for her Lady (hip ; Lights, Lights for her 
Honour. — Now muft I be a conllabt Attender at my Lord*s 

Levee, to work my Way to my Lady's Coachee a 

Countefs; 1 prefume, Sir. »■■ 

i't/. A Sfangjh Count, Sir, that Mr. Dugard knew 
abroad, is come to Paris, faw your Miftrefs Yellerday, 
marries herTo*day, and whips her into 5/<uff To-morrow. 

Mir. Ay, is it lo ? and mull 1 follow my Cuckold over 
the Pyrtntti T Had (he marry'd within the Prccindls of a 
BilleC'-douxy I would be the Mitn to lead her to Church ; 
but As it happens^ I'll forbid the Banns. Where is thi« 
sniehty Don \ 

Pet. Have a Care, Sir, he's a rough crofs-grained 
Piece, and there's no tampering with him ; wou'd yoo 
apply to Mr. Dutardt or the Lady herfelf, fomething 
might be done, for it is in Defpight to you, that the 
Biifinefs it carry'd (6 hafiily. ' Odfo, Sir, here he comes. 
I muft be gone. \^ixi'% 

Enter Old Mir. dreJJUdin a Spanifli Habit, leading Oriana* 

Ori, Good my Lord, a nobler Choice had better fuited 
your Lord(hip's Merit. My Ferfon, Rank, and Circum- 
Aance. expoie me as the vublic Theme of Raillery, and 
{ubje£l me (b to injurious Ufage, my L>ord, that I can lay 
no v^laim to any Part of yourKejg;ard, except your Pity. 

Old Mir, Breathes he vital Air, that dares prefume 
With rude Behaviour to profane fuch Excellence ? 

Shew me the Man r— 

And you ihall fee how my fudden Revenge 

Shall fall upon tbe Head of fuch Prefumption. 

Is this Thing one? [Strutting up to Mirabel; 

Mir. Sir! 

Ori. Good my Lord. 

id Mir. If he, or any he! 

Ori, Pray, ray Lord, the Gentleman's a Stranger. 

Old Mir, your Pardon, Sir,—- but if you had — re- 
member. Sir, — the Lady now is mine, her Injuries are 

mines therefore. Sir, you underftand me Come, 

l^Adam. \_Leads Oriana to tbe Door, Jhe goes off, Mir. 
runs to bis Father, and fulls him by- tbe- 
^kevf, Mir. 



4t ^he Inconjiam : Or^ 

Mir, E^duie^ Monjieur Le Count, 

iDld Mir. Your Bufinefs, Sir ? 
. Mir, Boh I 

Old Mir, Boh! What Language is that. Sir? 

Mir, Spani/h, my Lord. 

Old Mir. What d*ye mean? 

Mir. This, Sir. [Trips vp bU Heiff, 

Old Mir, A very concife Quarrel, truly I'll bully 

him.'— ITr/w/VatfV Seigneur^ give mc fa r PUy. 

[Offering to rift. 

Mir. By all Means, Sir, [Takes aiviy his 6<word] Now 
Seigneur f w here's that bombaft Look, aod fuitian Face 
your Councftup wore juft now ? [Sfrihs him 

Old Mir. The Rogue quarrels wel{, very well,^ my 
own Son righ<! — But hold, Sirrah^ no more Jeilxng; 
I'm your Father, Sir, your Father ! 

Mir. My Father ! Then by this Light I could find 
in my Heart to pay thee. [Ujide,"] Is the Fellow mad ^ 
Why fure, Sir,-I ha'n't frighted you out of your Senfes^ 

Old Mir. But you have. Sir, 

Mir. Then TU beat them into you again. 

[Offers to firike Unf. 

Old Mir. Why, Rogue — Boh^ dear Eob^ don't yon 
know me. Child? 

M>. Ha, ha, ha, the Fellow's downright didraded: 
Thou Miracle of Impudence \ wou'dfl thou make me 
believe that fuch a grave Gentleman as my Father wou^ 
go a Mafqucrading thus ? That a Ferfon of Thrcefcore 
and Three would run about in a Fool's Coat to difgrace 
himfelf and Family ? ^^ hy, you impudent Villain, da 
you think I will fuffer fuch an Affront to pafs upon my 
honour'd Father, my worthy Father, my dear Father \ 
^Sdeath, Sir, mention my Father but once again, and 111 
fend your Soul to thy Grandfather this Minute \ 

[Offering to fiab him. 

Old Mir, Well, well, I jam not your Father.. 

Mir, Why then, Sir, you are the iaucy, he£loring 
Spaniard, and 1*11 ufe you accordingly. 

Old Mir, The Devil take the Spaniards^ Sir, we have 
•all got nothing but Blows Htice we began to .take thtijr 
Part. 

Entep 



the Way to win htm. 4j 

Enter Dagard, Oriana, Maid, Petit. Dagard rum t9 
Mirabel, the reft to the Old Gentleman, 

Dug. Fye, fye, Mirabel, murder your Father ! 

Mir. My Father! What is the whole Family road? 
Give me Way, Sir, I won't be held. 

Old Mir, No ? nor 1 neither; let me be gone, pray. 

[Offering to go* 

Mir, My Father ! 

Old Mir, Ay, you Dog's Face! I am your Father, 
for I have bore as much for thee, as your Mother ever 
did. . s^. 

Mir, O ho f then this was a Trick, it (eems a Defign, 
a Contrivance, a Stratagem—Oh I how my Bones ach i 

Old Mir-, Your Bones, Sirrah, why youri? 

Mir, Why, Sir, han't I been beating my own FIe(h 
and Blood all this while? O, Madam, [To Oriana.} I 
wiih your Lad^^fliip Joy of your new Dignity. Here was 
a Contrivance indeed. 

• ^ Pet, The Contrivance was Well enough. Sir, for they 
. imposed upon us all. 

Mir, Well, my dear Dulcinea, did your Don ^mixofe 
battle for you bravely ? My Father will anfwer for the 
Force of my Love. 

Ori, Pray, Sir, den't infult the Misfortunes of your 
own creating. 

Dug, My Prudence will be counted Cowardice, if I 
(land tamely now. — [Comes up between Mirabel emd his 
Sifer'] Well, Sir! 

Mir, Well, Sir ! Do you take me for one of your 
Tenants, Sir, that you puc on your Landlord face at me ? 

Dug, Oh what Frelumption, Sir, dare you aflifme 

thus f [Dratujs, 

. Old Mir. What's that to you, Sir. ' [Draws. 

Pet. Help! help! the Lady faints. 

[Oriana /aflj into her Maid*s Arms. 

Mir, Vapours! Vapours I (he'll come to t^rfclf : If it 
be an angry Fit, a Dram of Jffa Fcetida — If Jealoufy, 
Harts-horn in, Water— If the Mother, burnt Feathers— 

• If Grief, RatiJia-^-^lf it be ftrait Srays, or Corns, there's 
nothing like a Dram of plain Brandy. 

Ori, Hold off, give me Air O my Brother, would 

you prcferve my Life, endanger not your owo ; woulcj 

yoa 



44 7** Hmnfi^nt : Or^ 

you defWnd my Reputation, leave it to itfelf ; "tis a dwf 
Vindication that's purchased by the Sword ; for the' our 
Chanrpion proves vidorious, yet our Honour is wounded, 

0/</ Mir, Ay, and your Lover may be wounded, that's 
another Thing. But I think you are pretty briik agaifi» 
my Child. ^ 

Ori, Ay, S r, my Indifpofition was only a Pretence 
to divert the Quarrel ; the capricious Taile of your 6cx^ 
«xcufes this Artifice in ours^ 

Foy off en f luhen our chief PerfeSlhns fail^ 

Our chief Defeas ^ithfoolijh Mm prevail. [Exiu 

Pet. Come. Mr. DugMrei, take Courage, there is a wif 
Hill left to fetch him again. 

0/J. Mir, SiTi V\l have no Plot that has any Relatioa 
to Sfaim. 

Dug, Ifcorn all Artifice whatfoever i ny Stvord lb<ll 
do her Juftice. 

Pet. Pretty Juftice„ truly ! Sappofe ydu Tim hlrii thro^ 
the Body ; you run her thro' the Heart at the fame Timt. 

Old Mir, And me thro' the Head — rot your Sword, 
Sir^ we'll have Plots } come» Petitt let's heir. 

Pet, What if (he pretended to go into a Ntmnery, aid 
fo bring him about to declare himfelf ? 

Dug, That I muft confefs has a Face. 

Oid Mir. A Fuce ! A Pace like an Angel, Sir. Ad*8 ray 
Life» Sir, 'tis the moft beautiful Plot in Cbrifitnd»m. 
We'll about it immediately. \Exmiit. 

SCENE, Thi Street 
Duretete attJ Mirabel. 

Dur. [Fn a Paffion.'] And iho' I can't dance, nor fing,. 
nor talk like you, yet I can light, yoa know I can, Sir. 

Mif, I know thou can'ft, Man. 

Dur. 'Sdeath, Sir, and I will : Let me fee the proudeft 
Han alive make a Jei^ of me ? 

Mir, But riy engage to make you amends. 

Dur. Danc'd to Death f Baited like a Bear! RidiculMt 
threaten'd to be kick'd 1 Confufion ! Sir, you fet me on, 
and I will have Saltisfa6\ion ; all Mankind will point at me. 

Mir. [j^fiie.] 1 muft give this Thunderbolt fome Paf- 

^8«» 



Tki Way $0 win him. 45- 

4age, or *twili break upon my own Head^-IjOok*e^ Dure' 
tfte, what do thek Gentlemen laugh at i 
Sutir i*w» Gtntimea. 
Dur,kt me, to he fure^ Sir* wkat made you laugh at mv } 

1 Gen, You*te auftakeo, Sir, if we were merry, we had 
afiBTafteReafon. 

2 Gen, Sir, we don't knovr- you. 

Dur, Sir, Til malse you know me \ mark and obferve me, 
2 won*t be nam'd ; it (han't bemention'd, hot even whif. 
pfrM lu your Prayers ^t Churcii. ^Sdeath^ Sir, d>f ftsile f 

I Gen, Not 1, upon my Word. 

Dur, Why then, look p^rave as an Owl in a Bam, or 
a Friar with his Crow.n 4 fliaying, 

Mir, [Ajiie to the Gent.'] Don't be bully'd out of your 
Humour, Gentlemfn \ the Fellow's mad^ U4g!\ 9( him, 
and ril ftand by you. 

I Gen. I gad and ib WC wil]« 

B^tb. Ha, ha^ ha. 

Dm. Very pretty. [Dra^ws.'] She' threatened to kick 

me. Ay, then, you Dogs, I'll murder ye. [Fights^ and 

btAts tbmi off^ Mir. runs oiuer to his Side* 

Mir. Ha, ha, ba, bravely done, Duretete, there you had 
him, mable Captain ; hey, they rvn, they run, Vi^oria, 
Vifforia'-^VlAf ha, ha — how happy am I m an excellent 
Friend ! Tell me of your Virtuofo's and Men of Senfe, a 
parcel of four-fac'd Iplenctic Rogues — a Man of my thin 
Conditution fhould never want a Fool in his Company : 
I don't afie^ your fine Things that improve the Under- 
ftanding, but hearty laughing to fatten my Carcafe : And 
in my t onfcience, a Man of Senfe is as melancholy with- 
out a Coxconib, as a Lion without a Jacka ) ; he hunts 
for our Diveriion, Aarts Game for our Spleen, and per* , 
feiUy feeds us with Pleafure^ ' 

I hate the Man who rnake^ Ac^uaintanjce nice. 
And ftill difcreetly plagues me with Advice j ♦ 
Who moves by Cation, and mature Delays^. 
And muft giye jl^afons for whatever he faya. 
The M4B< indefd» wbofe Converle i^ fo full. 
Makes me attentive, but it makes me dull : 
Give me the carel^is Rogue, who njevcr think^,^ 
That plays the Fool as freely as he drinks. 

Not 



4^ TIhe Inconftani : Or, 

Not a BufFoon, who is Buffoon by Trade, 

But one that Nature, not his Wants have made. 

Who dill is merry, but does ne'er defign it ; 

And ftill is ridicul'd, but ne'er can find it. 

Who when he's moft in earnelt, is the bcA ; 

And his moft grave Expreflion is a Jell, \^ExiU 

7 be End of the Third ACT. 

A C T IV. 
SCENE, Old Mirabel' J Houfe. 

Enter Old Mirabel and Dugard. 

J)>ug> TT^ ^ ^ Lady Abbeis is my Relation^ and privy 
JL to the Plot : Your Son has been there, but 
had no Admittance beyond the Privilege of the Grate, 
and there my Sifter refus'd to fee him. He went off 
more nettled at his Repulfe, than I thought his Gafety 
could admit. 

,'QldMir, Ay, ay, this Nunnery will bring him about, 
I warrant ye. 

Enter Durctete. 
. Dur. Here, where are ye all ?— Q ! Mr. Mirahely you 
have done fine Things for your Pofterity — And you, Mr. . 
Dugard, may come to anfwer this — I come to demand my 
Ff iend at your Hands ; reftore him, Sir, or — [To Old Mir. 

Old Mir. Reftorc him! What d'ye think I have got 
kim in my Trunk, or my Pocket I 

Dur, Sir, he's mad, and you're the Caufe on*t. 

Old. Mir, That may be ; for I was as mad as he when 
I begot him. 

Dug. Mtd, Sir ! What d'ye mean ? 

Dur. What do you mean, Sir, by (hutting up your 
Sifter yonder to talk like a Parrot thro a Cage ? Or a De- 
coy-duck, to draw others into the Snare ? Your Son, Sir, 
becaufe (he kas defeited him, he has/brfaken the World? 
and in three Words, has ■ » 

OU 



9lte Way to win him. 47. 

OM Mr, Hang'd himfcif ! 

Dur. The very lame, turned Friar. 

Old Mir. You Jye; Sir, 'tis ten times worfe. Boh tum'd 
Friar ! — Why ihould the Fellow (have his foolilh Crown 
when the fame Razor may cut his Throat ? 

Dur. If vou have any Command, or you ary Intereft 
over him, lo/e not a Minute : He has thrown himfelf 
into the next Monaflery, and has ordered me to pay^oiF 
his Servants* and difcharge his Equipage. 

Old Mir. Let me alone to ferret him out ; Til facrifica 
the Abbot, if he receives him ; I'll try whether the Spi- 
ritual or the Natural Father has the mod Right to the 

Child. But, dear Captain, what has he done with his 

Eftate ? 

Dur. Settled it upon the Church, Sir. 
'. Old. Mir. The Church ! NaJ^, then the Devil won't 

get him out of their Clutches Ten thoufaiid Livres a 

Year upon the Church! M is downright Sacrilege — Come^ 
Gentlemen all Hands to work ; for half that Sum, one 
oi thefe Monaftries (hall prcteft you a Traytor from the 
Law, a Rebellious Wife from her Huiband, and a Di(^ 
obedient Son from his own Father. [Exit, 

Dug. But will ye perfuade me tbat he^s gone to a Mo- 
XiSL&cry ? 

Dur. Is your Siller gone to the Filhs Repemies ? I tell 
you. Sir, (he's not (it for the Society of repenting Maids. 

Dug. Why fo. Sir ? 

Dur. Bccanfe (he's neither one nor t'other ; (he*s too old 
to be a Maid, and too young to repent. 

\ixit \ Dug; after him. 

SCENF, the Ififide of a Monaflery; Oriana in a NutCi 
Hahit ; Bi(arre. , 

Ori. I hope, Bifarrey there is no harm in jelling with 
this Religious Habit. 

Bif. Tome, the greateft Jefl in the Habit, is taking it 
in earneft : I dbn't>underftand this imprifoning People with 
the Keys of Paradife^ nor the Merit of that. Virtue which 
comes by Conftraint.— Befiides, we may own to one an- 
other, that we are in the worft Company when among 
ourfelvcs ; for our private Thoughts run us into thofe 
De(ires> which our Pride refills from ;he Attack cf jhe 
I World; 



48 The Ineonfiant: Otj 

World ; and, you may remember, the firft Woman inet 
the Devil when (he retir'd from her Man. 

Ori. But Vm reconciPd^ methinks, to the Mortificatioa 
of a Nunnery ; becaufe 1 fancy the Habit becomes me. 

Bi/. A well.contriv'd Mortification, truly, that makes 
a Woman look ten times handfomer than (he did before ! 
•—Ay, my Dear, wer£ there any Religion in becoming 
Drefs, our Sex's Devotion were rightly plac'd; for our 
1 oilets would do the Work of the Altar; ^e (hoa*d att 
be canonized. 

OrL But don't you think there is a great deat of Me- 
rit in dedicating a beautiful Face and Ferfon to the Ser- 
vice of Religion ? 

Bi/. Not half fo much as devoting 'em to a pretty Fel- 
low : If our Feminality had no Bufinefs in this World, 
why was it fent hither ? Let us dedicate our beautiful 
Minds to the Service of Heaven. And for our handfome 
Perfons ; they become a Box at the Play, as well as a 
Pew in the Church» 

Ori. But the Viciflitude of Fortune, the Inconilancy 
of Man, with other Difappointments of Life, require (bmc 
Place of Religion, for a Refuge from their Perfecution. 

Bi/. Ha, ha, ha, and dp you think there is any Devo^ 
,tion in a Fellow's going to Church, when he takes it only 
for a Sandtuary ? Don^t you know that Religion contfts 
in Charity with all Mankind ; and that yon mould never 
think of being Friends with Heaven, till you have quar- 
relled with all the World. Come, come, mind your 
Bufinefs, Mirahl loves you, 'tis now plain, and hold him 
to't; give frefh Orders that he (han't fee you : We get 
more by hiding our Faces fometimes, than by expouoji 
them ; a very Mafk, you fee, whets Defire; bcit a Pair 
of keen £yes thro' an Iron Grate fire double upon 'emt 
with View and Difguife. But i muft be gone upon mf 
^^airs, I have brought my Captain about again. 

Ori, But why will you trouble yourfelf with that Cox- 
comb ? 

Bi/, Becaufe he is a Coxcomb ; had I not better have a 
Lover like him, that I can make an Afs of, than a Lover 
like yours, to make a Fool of me. [^Knocking helo^w^l A 
Meffagc from Mtrabet. I'll lay my Life. [^Sht runs to thi 
JOc«r. jCome hither, run, thou charming N un come hither. 
I Ori. 



The Way to win him. 49 

OrL What's the News ? [Runs to bcr. 

Bif. Don't you fee who's below ? 
Ori. I fee nO body but a Friar. 

Bi/, Ah I Thou poor blind Cupid! O' my Confcicncc, 
thefe Hearts of ours fpoil our Heads inftantly ! the fellows' 
no fooncr turn Knaves, than we turn Fools. A Friar I 
Pon't you fee a villainous genteel Mien under that Clbak 
of Hypocrify, the loofe carelefs Air oC a tall Rake-hclly 
Fellow ? 

Ori. As I live, Mirabel turn'd Friar ! I hope, in 
Heaven, he's not in eameft. 

Bi/. In earned : Ha, ha, ha, are you in earned ? Now's 
your time ; this Difguife has he certainly taken for a PafT- 
port, to get in and try your Refolutions ; fticic to your 
Habit, to be fure ; treat him with Difdain, rather than 
Anger ; for Pride becomes u<. more than Paffion : Remem- 
ber what I fay, if you wou'd yield to advantage, ^nd hold 
out the Attack ; to draw him on, keep him ofz to be fure. 

The cunning Gam^ijiers ne'uer gain too f aft ^ 

But lofe at fir ft y to nvin the more at laft, [Exit. 



don 
wou 



Ori. His condng puts me into fome Ambiguity, I 
)n't know how ; I don't Tear him, but I miftruft myfelf; 
^ou'd he were not come, yet I wou'd not ha«f him gone 
neither ; Vm afraid to talk with him, but I love to fee 
him tho*. 

^ What aftrange Poujer has this f ant aft ic Tire^ 
That makes us dread even luhat nxje tnoft deftre ! 

Enter Mirabel in a Friar's Hahit, 
Mir. Save you, Sifter — Your Brother, young Lady, 
having a regard for your Soul's Health, has fent me to 
prepare you for the facred Habit by Confeffion. 

Or/.^ That's falfe, the cloven Fooc already. \Afede,'] My 
Brother's Care I own ; and to you, facred Sir, I confefs, 
that the great crying Sin which I have long indulg'd, and 
now prepare to expiate, was Love. My Morning Thoughts, 
my Evening Prayers, my Daily Mufings, Nightly Cares, 
was Love ! My prefent Peace, my future Blifs, "the Joy of 
Earth, and Hopes of Heaven ! I all contemn'd for Love ! 
Mir, She's downright ftai k mad in earneft ; Death and 
X^onfufion, I have loft her! [/IJidei\ You confcfs your 
VoL.H. C Fault, 



so The Inconjlant : Or', 

Fault, Madam, in fuch moving Terms, that I could al* 
moil be in love with the_Sin. 

Ori. Take care. Sir ; Crimes, like Virtues, are their 
own Rewards ; my chief Delight became my only Grief; 
he in whofe Breaft I thought my Heart (ecure, turned 
Robber, and defpoil'd the Treafure that he kept. 

Mir, Perhaps that Treafure he eftcems fo much, that 
like the Mifer, tho' afraid to ufe ir, he referves it fafe. 

Ori, No, holy Father : who can be a Mifer in another*8 
Wealth, that's prodigal of his own ? His Heart was open, 
Ihar'd to all he knew, and what, alas ! muft then become 
of mine ! But the fame eyes that drew this Faffton in, fhall 
fend it out in Tears, to which now hear my Vow. — 

J^ir. [Di/co'vering bimfelf,'] No, my fair Angel, but let 
me repent; here on my Knees behold the Criminal, that 
vows Repentance his. Ha ! No Concern upon her ! 

Ori, This Turn is odd, and the Time has been, that 
fuch a fudden Change wou'd have furprifi'd me into fome 
Confufjon. 

Mr. Reflore that happy Time, for T am now returned 
to myfelf, for I want but Pardbn to deferve your Favour, 
and here Di fix till you relent and give it. 

Or$, Groveling, fordid Man ; why would you a6t a 
Thing to make you kneel. Monarch in your Pleafures to 
be Slave to your Faults ? Are all the Conquefts of your 
wand'ring Sway, your Wit, your Humour, Fortune, all 
reduc'd to the bafe cringing of a bended Knee ? Servile . 

/and Poor J — Pray Heav'n this Change be real. \^^fide, 
Mir, I come not here to juftify my Fault but my Sub- 
miifion, for tho* there be a Meannefs in this humble Pof- 
tare, 'tis nobler flill to bend when Jullice calls, than to 
refill Convidion. 

Ori, No more— — thy eft repeated violated Words re- 
proach my weak Belief, 'tis the fevered Calumny to hear 
thee {peak ; that humble Follure tvhich once cou'd raife,^ 
now mortifies my Pride ; how can'il thou hope for Pardon 
from one that you affront by alking it ? 

Mir. Rif€s,'\ In my own Caufe I'll plead no mere, but 
give me leave to intercede for you againfl the hard Injunc- 
tionsbf that Habit, whivh for my Fault you wear. 

Ori, Surprifing Infolence ! My grratelt Fos pretends 
HP give ZAe Cpunfel \ but 1 am too warm upon fo cool a 

Sub* 



Tibe Way to win him. 51 

Sal jeA. My Refolutions, Sir, are fixM ! but as oor Hearts 
were onited with the Ceremony of oar Eyes.fo I (hall fpare 
iome Tears to the Separation. [^<?f/x.] That's all ; farcwel. 

Mr. And muft 1 lofe her? No. \Jiuns and catches Jber.] 
Since all my Prayers are vain, I'll ufe the nobler Argu- 
ment of Man, and force you to the Juflice you refufe ; 
yottVe mine by Pre-contraft : And where's the Vow fo 
iacred to difannul another ? Til urge my Love, your 
Oath, and plead my Caufe 'gainfl all Monadic Shifts 
upon the Earth. 

Ori. Unhand me, Baviiher! Wow'd voa prophanc thcfc 
holy Walls with Violence ? Revenge for all my pail Dif. 
grace now offers, thy Life (hou'd anfwer this, wou'd I 
provoke the Law : Urge me no farther, but be gone. 

Mir. Inexorable Woman, let me kneel again. ^Kneels. 
Enter Old Mirabel. 

Old Mir. Where, where's this counterfeit Nun ? 

Ori, M«dnefs I Confufion f Tm ruin'd ! 

Mir. What do I hear ? [Puts on bis Hood} What did 
you fay, Sir ! 

Old Mir. I fay (he's a Counterfeit, and you may be an- 
other for ought I know, Sir ; 1 have loft my Child by 
thefe Tricks, Sir. 

Mir. What Tricks, Sir ? 

Old. Mir. By a pretended Trick, Sir. A Contrivance 
to bring my Son to Reafon, and it h^s made h m Hark 
mad ; 1 have loil him and a thoufand Pound a Year. 

Mir. ipifco^vering bimfelf.'] My dear Father, I'm your 
moll humble Servant. 

Old Mir. My dear Boy, {Runs and kiffes him.'] Welcome 
ex luferiSf my dear Boy, 'tis all a Trick, Ihe's no more a 
l\un chat I am. 

Mi-. No ! 

Old Mir. The Devil a bit. 

Mir. Then kifs me again, my dear Dad,* for the moft 
happy News — And now moll venerable holy filler. [Kneels. 

Tour Mercy and your Pardon I implore. 
For the Offence of ajking it before. 

Look'e, my dear counterfeiting Nun, take my Advice, be 
a Nun in good Cirncfl; Women ma:e the beft Nuns al- 
ways whc.i they can't do otherwife. /.h; my dear Father, 
C 2 thei*« 



52 The Inccftftann Or^ 

there is a Merit in your Son*s Behaviour that yoQ little 
think ; the free Deportment of fuch Fellows as I, makes 
more Ladies Religious, than all the Pulpits in Franct. 

Ori. O ! Sir, how unhappily have you deftroy'd what 
was fo near Perfection ! He is the Counterfeit that bat 
deceived you. 

Old, Mir. Ha! Look*e, Sir, I recant, fheisaNun. 

Mir. Sir, your humble Servant, ihcn Tm a Friar this 
Moment. 

Old Mir, Was ever an old Fool fo banter'd by a Brace 
o'youDg ones ; hang you both, you're both Counterfeits, 
and my Plot's fpoiPd, that's all. 

Or/. Shame and Confufion, Love, Anger, and Di(ap- 
pointment, will work my Brain to Madnefs. 

ITakes off her Habit. Exit'. 

Mir, Ay, ay, throw by the Rags, they have ferv'd k 
turn for us both, and thcyilialle^ngo off together. 

[flakes off his HMbit. 

Thus thefick Wretchy 'when tortured by his Pain, 

And find i-ng all EJ] ays for life are 'vain ; 

Wh'! the t*hyfician an no more defgn^ 

^hen ca'l the other DoSior, the Di<vine. 

h 'hai I'oixjs to Hea-vent 'wou^d Heaven reftore his Health t 

Vows all to Heaven, his Thought St his Actions ^ Wealth : 

But if rejlord to Vigcur as before ^ 

His Health refufes 'what his Sicknefs fn.More. 

The Body is no fooner Raised and tVelly 

But the rjoeuk Houl relapfes into III ; 

To all its former Sowing of Life /"f led^ 

And lea'ves its f^o'ws and Promifes in Bed, 

[Exit, thro'wing a^way the Habit, 

SCENE changes to Old Miraberj Houfe : Durctite fwith 
a Letter, 
Dur. {Reads "J 
71^ T Rudenefs nvas on^y a Proof of your Humour ^ fwhicb I 
'*'^ ha*ve found fo agrteab.ey that I o'wn myfelfpeniterjy and 
iviliing to make any tteparation upon your firji Appearance /« . 

B I S A R R E. 
"Mirabel fwears flie loves me, and this confirms it ; then 
farewclGallai.try, and welcome Rtvenge; *tlsmy turn now 
to be upon the Sublime, Til t^ke her off, 1 warrant her. 

Enttr 



Tbt IVaj t$ win bim. 53 

EnUf Bifarre. 

Well, Mi(fre(s» do you love me ? 

Bif, I hope, Sir, you will pardon the Modefty of— 

Dur, Of what r of a dancing Deril I Do you love 

me, I fay ? 

Mi/. Perhaps I— 

Dur. Wnat? 
• Bif. Perhaps I do not. 

Dur. Hal abusM aaain ! Death, Woman, Pll— — 

Bif. Hold,- hold. Sir, I do, I do ! 
. Dur. Confirm it then by your Obedience, (land there; 
and ogle me now, as if your Heart, Blood and Soul were 

like to fly out st your Eyes FirO, ih-^ dired Surprilfe 

(She looks ful! upon him ) Right; ntxt t\Q Deux y^ux par 
ohii fue. (She ginjet him the fide Glance) Right ; now 
depart, and languifll. (She turns from him an't-looks o*ver 
her Shoulder,) Very well ; now figh. (ShefighsJ Now 
drop your Fan on purpofe. (She drops her Fan, J Now take 
it up again : Come now, confcfs your Faults ; arc not 
you a proud — fay after me* 

Bif. Proud. ^ 

Dur» Impertinent, 

Bif. Imperiinenc' 

Dur. Ridiculous. 

Bif. Ridiculous, 

Dur. Flirt. 

Bifs Puppy. 

Diir. Zoons ! Woowri, don*t provoke me, we tre alone, 
-and you don't know but the Devil may tempt me to do 
you a Mifchief ; afk my Pardon immediately. 

Bif. I do, Sir, J only miiiook the Word. 

Dur, Cry then, have you got e'er a Handkerchief? 

Bif Yes, Sir. 

i)«r. Ory then, handfomely; cry like a Queen in a Tra- 
gedy. [She pretending to cry, hurfis out a laughing, and 

enter tijoo Ladies laughing. 

Bif Ha, ha, ha. 

Ladies both. Ha, hn, ha. 

Z>»r, Hell broke loofe upon me, and all the Furies flut- 
tcr'd about my Ears ! Betray'd again ? 

Bif That you arc upon my Word, my dear Captain ; 
ha^ ha, ka. ' 

C 3 Dur. 



54 ^^^ Inconftant : Or^ 

Dur, The Lord deliver me. 

1 Lady, What I Is this the mighty Man with the BttH- 
face that comes to frighten Ladies ^ Llong to iee him 
angry ; come begin. 

Dur. Ah, Madam, I'm the bed natur'd Fellow in the 
World. 

2 Lady, A Man ! We're miHaken, a Man has Manners; 
the aukward Creature is fome Tinker's Trull in a Periwig* 

~ Bi/l Come, Ladies, let*s examine him. 

[T^ey lay ho*d on hinti 

Dur, Examine ! the Devil you will ! 

Bif. ril lay my Life, fome great Dairy maid in Man's 
Clothes. ' 

Dur. They will do't ; — look'c, dear Chrillian Women, 
pray hear me. 

Bif. Will you ever attempt a Lady's Honour again ? 

Dur. \^ you pleafe to let me get away with my Ho- 
noor, ril do apy thing in the World. 

Bif, Will you perfuade your Friend to marry mine ? 

Dur. O yes, to be fure. 

Bif, And will you do the fame by me ? 

Dur. Eurn me if I do, if the Coall be clear. [Rum cut, 

Bif Ha, ha, ha, the Vifit, Ladies, was critical for oar 
Diverfions, we'll go make an end of our Tea. [Exeuni. 
Enter Mirabel and Old Mirabel. 

Wir. Your Patience, Sir. 1 tell you I w on't marry ; and 
tho' you fend all the Biihops in France to perfuade me, I 
fhall never believe their Dodrine again ft their Pradicc. 

Old Mir. But will you difgbey your Father, Sir ? 

Mir. Wou'd my Father have his youthful Son lie laz- 
ing here, bound to a Wi'e, chain'd like a Monkey to 
make fpoit to a Woman, fubjedl to her Whims, Humours, 
Longings, Vapours, and Caprices, to have her one day 
plea$*d, to-morrow peevi(h, the next day mad, the fourth 
rebellious ; and nothing but this Succtffion of Imperti- 
nence for Ages together. Be merciful. Sir, to your own 
Flefh and Blood. 

Old Mir, But, Sir, did not I bear all this, why ihould 
rot you ? 

Mir. Then you think that Marriage, like Treafon, 
ihould attai.^t the whcle Body j pray confider. Sir, is it 
r^afoi:£ble bccauC' ycu throw yourfelf down from oi^e 



The, Way to win him. 55 

Story, that I muft caft tnyklf headlong from the Garret 
Window ? You wou'd compel me to that State, which I 
have heard yoa carie yourfeif, when mv Mother and you 
have battled it for a whole Week together. 
. Old Mir. Never bat once, yoj Rogue, and that was 
when fhc long'd for fix Flanders Mares : Ay, Sir, then 
(he was breeding of you, which ihew'd what an expcnfivc 
Dog I (hould have of you. 

EnUr Petit. 
Well, Petite how does (he now ? 

Pet. Mad, Sir, coh Pompos — Ay, Mr. Wtrahel, you'H 
believe that I fpeak truth, now when I confefs that I have 
* told you hitherto nothing but Lves ; our Jelling is come 
to a lad Earned, ihe's downright dillraded. 
Enter Biliwre. 

Bif. Where is this mighty Vidor I The groat Ex- 
ploit is done ; go triumph in the Glory of your Cor- 
queil, inhuman, barbarous Man! O Sir, (To the old 
Gentleman) your wretsjhed Ward has found a tender 
Guardian of you, where her young Innocence expcAcd 
Protedlion, here has (he found her Ruin. 

Old Mir. Ay the Fault is mine, for I believe that 
Kogue won't marry, for fear oPbegeiting fuch another 
difobedient Son as his Fadver did. 1 have done all I can. 
Madam, and now can do no more than run mad for O.m^ 
pany. \Crie^, 

Efiier Dugard i^iitb his Suord dranvn. 

Dug, Away 1 Revenge, Revenge. 

Old Mir. Patience, Patience, Sir. [Old Mir, holdj hint. 
Boh, draw. [^fide. 

Dug. Patience ! The Coward's Virtue, and the brave 
MaQ*s Failing, when thus provok'd — Villain ! 

Mir. Your Sifter's Frenzy (hall excufe your Madnefs; 
and to (hew my Concern for what Ihe fufFers, I'll bear the 
Villain from her Brother. — Put up your Anger with your 
Sword I I have a Heart like yoni's, that fwells at an Af- 
front received, but melts at an Injoiry given ; and if the 
lovely Oriana^s Grief be fujcha moving Scene, 'twill find 
a Part within this Breail, perhaps as tender as a Brother's. 

Dug, To prove that foft Compaffion for ker Grief, en- 
deavour to remove it.— There, there, behold an Objetl 
Uiat's infisdlve ; 1 cannot view her> but I am as mad as 
' C 4. ihev 



56 ^bi Ineanflant :' Or^ 

fhe : [Enter Oruna, Md iy fwo Maids njobo put her in a 
Chair.'] A Sifter that my dying Parents left, with thrif 
laft Words and BlefTing to my Care. Sifter, deareft 
Sifter. [Gees to her. 

Old Mir, Ay, poor Child, poor Child, d*yc know me? 
Ori, You ! you are Amadis de GauU Sir; — Oh !' oh my 
Heart! Were you never in Love, fair Lady? And do 
you never dream of Flowers and Gardens ?— I dream of 
walking Fires, and tall Gigantic Sights. Take heed, it 
comes now— What's that ? Pray ftand away : I have fcen 
that Face fure. How light my Head is ! 

Mir» What piercing Charms has Beauty, ev*n in Mad- 
nefs I thefe fudden Starts of undigeftcd Words ihoot thro' 
my Soul, with more perfoafive Force than all theft-udted 
Art of labourM Eloquence. — Come, Madam, try to rc- 
pofe a little. 

Qri. I cannot ; for I muft be up to go to Church, and 
I muft drefs me, put on my new Gown, and be fo fine, 

to meet my Love. Hey ho ! Will not you tell me 

where my Heart lies buried ? 

Mir, My very Soul is touch'd — -Your Hand, my Fair; 

Ori. How foft and gentle you feel ? I'll tell you your 
Fortune, Friend. 

vlir. How fhe ftares upon me ! 

Or/. You have a flattering Face ; but *tis a fine one— 
] warrant you have five hundred Mirtrefles — Ay, to Be 

fure, a Miftrefs for every Guinea in his Pocket Will 

you pray for me ? 1 fhall die to-morrow And will you 

ring my Pafiing-bell ? 

Mir, O Woman, WoTian, of Artifice created ! whofe 
Nature, even dirtrn(f\ed, has a Cunning: fn vain let" Man 
his Senfe, his Learning* boafl:, when Woman's Madneli 
over-rules his Reafon. Do you know me injur'd Creature? 

Ori, No, -bui you (hall be my intimate Acquaintance 
-^in the Grave. [ff'eeps. 

Mir, Oh Tears, I muft believe you ; fure there's a kind 
of Sympathy in Madnefs ; for even 1, obddrate as I am, 
do feel my Soul Co tofs'd with Siorms eF Paftion, that [ 
could cry for help as well as ftic, — [fFipes his Eyes* 

Ori, What have you loft your Lover ? tio^ you mock 
me ; I'll go home and pray. 

Mir, Slay, my fair lunocencc> and hear mt own my 

Love 



5lfe ff^{y to tvin bim. 57 

Love fo load, that I may call yoar Senfcs to their Place, 
pcftore *eiti to their charming happy Fun^ions, and re- 
inftate myrelfinto your Favour 

Bif, Let her alone, Sir, 'tis all too late ; (he trembles, 
kold her, her Fits grow ftronger by her talking ; don*t 
trouble her, (he don't know you. Sir. 

OU^ Mir. Not know him ! what then ? (he loves to 
fee him for all that. 

Enttr Duretete. 

Dur. Where are you all? What the Devil I melancholy, 
and I here J Are ye fad, and fuch a ridiculous Subjeft, 
fuch a very good Jeft among you as I am ? 

Mir, Away with this Impertinence ; this is no Place 
fbrBagatel: I htve murder'd my Honour, dellroy'd a 
Lady, and my Defire of Reparation is come at length 
too late : See there. 

Dur. What ails her ? 

Mir, Alas ! (he's mad. 

Dvr. Mad ! do'ft wonder at that ? By this Light, they're 
all fo 5 they're cozening mad ; they're brawling mad ; 
they're proucTmad ; I jull now came from a whole World 
cf mad Women, that had almoft — What, is (he dead? 

Mir, Dead ! Heav'ns forbid. 

Dur» Heav'ns further it ; for 'till they be as cold as a 
Key« there's no trufting them ; you're never fure that a 
Woman*^B in earnelt, 'lill (he is naii'd in her Coihn. Shall 
I talk to her? Are you mad, Miftrefs ? 

Bif. Whit's that to you, Sir ? 

Dur. Oons, Madan*, are you there ? [Runs off. 

Mir, Away, theu wild Buffoon ; how poor and mcaa 
this Humour now appears ? His Follies and my own I 
heie difclaim i this Lady's Frenzy has reftor'd my Senfes, 
and was (he perfedl now, as once (he was (before you all 
-I fpeak i\) (h^ ftiould be mine ; and as (lie is, my Tear* 
and Prayers (hall wed her. 

Dug, How happy had this Declaration been fomc Hours 
ago. 

Bif, &ir, (he beckons to you, and waves us to go off; 
come, come let's leave 'em [Ex, omnes^ but Mir. and Ori. 

Ori, Oh. Sir. 

ilf/>. speak my cbarming Angel, if yoor dear Sen(es 
liave regain' d their Order j fpeak. Fair, and blefs ma 
with the News. C 5 On*. 



58 ^e Inconjlant: Or^ ^ 

Ori, Pirft, let me blefs the Cunning of my Sor, that 
happy counterfeited Frenzy that has reftor'd ta my peof 
labouring Breaft the deareft, beft belov'd of Men. 

Mr. Tune all ye Spheres, your luftruments of Icy, and 
carry round your fpacious Ofbs,. the happy Sound of Oti' 
anas Health; her Soul, whofe Harmony was next to 
yours^ is now in Tune again ; the counterfeiting Fair 
hat piay'd the Fool. 

She nvas fo mad to counterfeit for me\ 1 

1 luas/o mad to paivn my Liberty : . > 

But nonv ive hpth are 'well, and both art free, j 

Ori. How, Sir, Free! 

Mir. As Air, my dear Bedlamite ; what, marry a Lt- 
aatic ! Look ye» my Dear, you have counterfeited Mad- 
«efs fo very well this bout» that you'll be apt to play the 
Fool all your Life long — Here, Gentlemen. 

Ori. Monfter ! you won't difgrace me. 

Mir. O' my Faith, but I will ; here, come in Gentle- 
men.— A Miracle ! a Miracle ! the Woman's difpofle&M,. 
the Devil's vaniih'd. 

Enter Old. Mirabel and Dtigard^ 

Old Mir, Blefs us, was (he poflefs'd ? 

Mir, With the worft of Dsemons,. Sir, a Marriage-de* 
vil, a horrid Devil. Mr. Dugard^ don't be furpriz'S, 
X promised my Endeavours to cure your Sifter ; ao mad 
Bodor in Chriilendom could have done it more eFeduall)k 
Take her into your Charge ; and have a care ihe don't 
];elapfe ; if ihe fliould, employ me. not again, for I am no. 
more infallible than others of the Faculty; 1 do cure 
fometlmes.. 

Ori. Your Remedy, mod barbarous Man, will prove: 
the greatell Poifon to ray Health ; for tho' my former 
Phreozy was hut counterfeit, I now (hall run into a real 
Madnefs. \Exit\ Old Mir. tf/}^. 

Dug, This was a turn beyond my Knowledge j l*m fo 
confus'd, 1 know not how to refent it. [£x/(. 

Mir. What a dangerous Precipice have I 'fcap'd ?. Wat. 
not I juft now upon, the Brink of Deftrtu^ion ?- 

Enter Duretetc. 
Oh, xsiy Friend, let me run. into thy Bolbmj no Lark, 

cfttpM 



T'Be Way to win bim. ^ gg 

ffaip^'d from the devoaring Poances of a Hawk, qaakes 
with more difmal Apprehenfioo. 

Dur. The matter, Man-! 

Dur. Marriage, Hanging ; I was juft at the Gallows- 
fbot, the fanmng Noole aboot lov Neck, and the Cart 
wheeling from me.— Oh — ^I (haa*i be myfcif this Month 
again. 

Dur. Did not I tell you fo ? They are all alike. Saints 
or Devils : their counterfeiting can*t be reputed a Deceit 
for 'tis the Nature of the Sex,, not their Conrivance. 

Mir, Ay, ay : There's no living here with Security ; 
this Honfe is & full of Stratagem and Defign, that I muft 
abroad again. 

Dur. With all my Heart, I'll bear thee Comjpany, my 
Lad ; Fll meet you at the Play ; and we'll let out for 
Italy to-morrow Morning. 

Mir. A Match ; I'll go pay my Compliment of leave 
to my Father prefently. 

Dur* I'm afraid he*ll flop you. 

Mir. What pretend a Command over me after his Set- 
tlement of a thoufand Pound a Year upon me ! No, no, 
he has pafs'd away his Authority with the Conveyance; 
the Will of a living Father is chiefly obeyed for the Sake 
of the dying one-. 

What makes the World attend and croud the Great ? 
■Hopes, Interel^, and Dependence, make their State : 
Behold the Antr-chamber filfd with Beaux, 
A Horfe's Levee throng'd with Courtly Crows. 
Tho' grumbling SubjeSs make the Crown their Sport; 
• Hopes of a Place will bring the Sparks to Court. 
Dependencij, ev'n a Father's Sway fecures, 
For tho' the Son rebels, the Heir is yours. 

TU End of the fourth ACT- 



ACT 



6o The Inconfiant: Or^ 



A C T V. 

SCENE, the Street before the Play-haufc; 
Mirabd atid Duretete as coming from the Plaf. 

Dur.TJOW d'ye like this Play? 

Jx Mir, 1 lik'd the Company ; the Lady, the 
rkh Beauty in the Front-box had my Attention : Thcfc 
impudent Poets bring the Ladies together to fupport thetei 
and to kill every Body elfe, 

Fcr Deaths upon the Stage the Ladiu cry. 
But ne*er mind us^ that in the Audience die : 
The Poet's Hero Jhould not move their Pain^ 
But they Jhould <weepfor thofe their Eyes havtflun. 

Bur. Hoyty, toyty ; did Pi&i///V infpire you with' all this? 

Mir. Ten times more ; the PJay-houfc is the Element 
of Poetry, bccaufe the Region of Beauty ; the Ladies^ 
methinks, have a more infpiring triumphant Air in the 
Boxes than cny where elfe, they ut commanding on their 
Thrones wich all their Subjeft flaves about them ; Their 
beft Clothes, bell Looks, fhining Jewels, fparklingEyes, 
the Treafure of the World in a Ring. Then th«re's fuchft 
hurry ofPleafure to tranfportus; the Buftlc, Notfe» Gal- 
lantry, Equipage, Garters, Feathers, Wigs, Bt)W8, Siiulef» 
Ogles, Love, Muiic, and Applaufe: I could wifli that my 
whole Life long were the iirft Night of a new Play. 

Dug, The Fellow has quite forgot this Joiirne)^; Lave 
you befpoke PoA horfes ? 

^ A//>. Grant me but three Days, dear Captain, one to 
difcover the Lady, one to unfold myfelf, and one to make 
me happy ; and then Tm you:*s to the World's end. 

Dur» Haft thou the Impudence to promife thyfelf a Lady 
of her Figure and Qualiiy in fo (hort a time ? 

A//>» Ye5, Sir — I have a confident Addrefs, no difagree- 
ablc Perfon, and ^\^ hundred Le'wis d*Ors in my Pocket* 

Dur, Five hundred Lc^wis d^Ors! You aVt mad) 

Mir, I tell )ou, (he's worth five thoufandi one of 
her black Brilliant Eyes is worth a Diamond as bie as her 



The Wity to win bim. C i 

Head. I conpar'd her Neckiwt witu ht* I.c^^s, »-.•. 
the livinr Jewels out-fpsrkled iheacac fn.^ •;. i. M. i«r 

Z)«r. Sttt you hftve own'd to Oi%cuajr kJii:-^; ^jftt^nv -. 
Pretenfions to Marriage, youlov'c ntrr {i^oustvi:. « Ut^i. 
ikow can yoa wander at thib rate r 

A/fV. I long'd for a Panridee t Mxier Jjay vf ' -.^ Kt- ; 
Pkie, but d*ye think» becaufe x coi^lx: i.o* Wr*^ it. I n. " 
eat nothing. 

Dmr. PniheCt MjraStl, be qDi<n ; yot may T-frf-tt. .«*• 
what narrow 'fcapes yoo have iiac ai*ircrjMC b^ i^. low it.;- 
Strangers ; you forget your Leap ou*. of itii- fAutifJafi\ 
Window at Bol^gmm^ to fare your faiMr l^ir ^ ttir;;'. 

A//r, My Ring's a Trific, tiicf • i.'inn-?' v/» •,•/!?«?- 
0001 parable to what we dcfiit w: f»i> of -^ i...-iy >/.:.•<■ 
fac*d in the Front- box witn a tti'.utahj h'jyni:. n. jrw«i. 
about her Neck! For Aiame, nr. mwe. 

Enter Oriana i« ifo^'j Cittihes nunh u Lntt* 

On'. Is your Name* l^traJni^ hit ' 

hffir. Yes, Sir. 

On. A Letter from your Uncle in fitmih- 

Mir. [^if-^i.] 
^HE Bearer is the Sam ef a Pr^r^/laftf f,rfttlrm**», -.'/*• 

^/«f /«'■ ^" ReI:^io9i, lefi mr rhr Lhor^r ,.f th,* fuuth, 
[a pretty Boy.] He's /ova of Jomr hamih^mr tr,uh, //.«/ 
MV tf^r^/ Aiar Opportunity If Iffiftt-urmmi ; >«*' ' '"• -/ 
himm,illMiie "'"'^ 

a Travcli^r in aflv ^ 

ilfrr. A hoptM I 
into />#>^* aj my Va i 

Dmr. I doTi*r tfa^ki 
Mrrl too biiiidfam«|; 
Ladiealc^cnc ^L 




&z 7he Inconftant : Or^ 

ef Service I put upon you, is to follow that Lady*$ CoacBi 
and bring me word where ihe lives. [?*« Onana. 

Ori, 1 don't know the Town, Sir^ and am afraid of 
loiing myfelF, 

Mir. Pfhaw. 

Lam. Page, what's become of all my People ? 

Page, I can't tell, Madam, I can fee no iign of jrour 
ILadyfhip's Coach. 

Lam, That Fellow is got into his old Pranks , and 
fairn drunk fo ni e where ; none of the Footmen there? 
• Pog^' Not oncj-^adam. 

Lam. Theie Servants are the Plague of our Liv«8| 
what (hall I do 1^ 

Mir, By all my Hopes, Fortune pimps for me; now 
Dure tea for a piece of Gallantry.. 

Dur. Why you won't»fure ^ ' 

Mtr. Won't, Brute 1 Let not your Servants NeglefV,. 
Madam, put your Ladyihip to any Inconvenience, for 
you can't be difappointed of an Equipage whilfl mine 
waits below; and wou'd you honour the Mailer fo far, 
he would be proud to pay. his Attendance. 

Dur. Ay, to be fure. \^dfiile. 

Lam, Sit ^ I won't prefume to be troubleibme, for my 
Habitation is a great Way off- 

Dur. Very true. Madam, and heVa little engag'd, be- 
iides, Madam, a Hackney-coach will do as well. Madam. 

Mir. Rude-Eeaft, be quiet! [^<? Duretete.] The far- 
ther from home. Madam, the more Occafion ypa have 
for a Guaid—pray, Madam— 

J^m. Lard, Sir.— -[/fp feems toprefsf Jhe to decline it iti 

dumb fie^w. 

Dur. Ah \ The Devil's in- his Impudence ; now he 
wheedles, (he fmiles.; he flatters, flieiinipers ; he fwean, 
file believes ; he's a Rogue, and file's a W — in a Momenta 

Mir. Without there! my Coach; Duretete^ wifli me 
Joy. [Hands the Lady 9ut. ' 

Dur. Wifti you a- Surgeon! Here you little Pic^rd, go 
follow your Matter,, and he'll lead you — 

On. Whither, Sir ? 

Dur, To the Academy, Child : 'tis the Fafliion ; with 
Men of Quality to teach their Pages their Exercifes— go. 

Qri.. 



The Way to voin him. 63 

On*. Won't yoD go with him too. Sir ; that Woman 
BUY do him A>me harm, I don't like her- 

bur. Why, how now Mr. Pagi^ do you dart up to 
give Laws of a fudden ; do you pretend to rife at Court, 
and difiipprove the Pleafure of your Betters : Look*e, 
' Sirrah, if ever you wou'd rife by a great Man, be fure to 
be with him in his little Adions, and, as a Step to your 
Advancement, follow your Mader immediately, and 
make it your Hope that he goes to a Bawdy-houTe. 

Ori. Heav'ns forbid. \Exit. 

Dug. Now wou'd I fooner take a Cart in Company of 
(he Hangman, than a Coach with that Woman : What a 
firange Antipathy have I taken againft thefe Creatures ; 
a Woman to me is Averfion upon Averfion, a Cheefe» 
a Cat, a ^Breaft of Mutton, the fqualling of Children, 
the grioding, of Knives, and the Snuff of a Candle. 

SCENE, a hanifame Apat4menU 

Enter Mirabel and Lamorce^ 

Lam. To convince me. Sir, that your Service was 
ibmethinc; more than'good Bpeeding, plcafe to lay out an 
Hour or your Company upon my Defire, as you have 
already upon my Neceffi'y. 

Mir. Your Defire, Madam, has only prevented my Rc- 
^ueftfmy Hours! Make 'em yours. Madam, Eleven, 
Twelve, One, Two, Three and all that belong to thofe 
happy Minutes. 

Lam. But I muft trouble you. Sir, to difmifs your Re-- 
linue, becaufe an Equipage at my Door, at this time of 
Kight, will not be confiflent with my Reputation. 

Mir I By all means, Madam, all but one little Boy— « 
Here, Page, order my Coach and Servants home, and dO 
you day ; 'tis a foolifh Country Boy, that knows nothing 
Dot Innocence. 

Lam. Innocence, Sir ? I (hould be forry if you made 
any Hnifler Confbiudlions of my Freedom* 

Mir. O Madam, I muit not.pretend to remark npon any 
body's Freedom, having fo entirely forfeited my own. 

Lam^ Well, Sir, 'twere convenient towards our cafy 

Correfpondence, that we enter'd into a free Confidence of 

each other, by a mutual Declaration of what we are, and 

whatwc think of oneanother.-«>Now>>Siry what. are you? 

,z. ' ' Mir. 



64 Tie Inconfiani : Oi^y 

Mir, In three Words, Madain»— I am a Gentlemaoi 
I have five hundred Pounds in my Pockety and a dcaa 
Shirt on. 

Lam, And your Name is— — 

Mtr, Muflaphu, Now, Madam, the Inventory of 

your ForcuncB. 

Lam, My Name is Lamoree\ my Birth noble; I was 
married young, to a proud, rude. Allien, impetaons FeU 
low ; the Hu^and fpoiled the Gentleman ; Crying rain*d 
my Face, 'liil at laft I took Heart, leaped out of a Win- 
dow, got away to my friends, fu'd my Tyrant, and re- 
covered my fortune 1 livM from fifteen to fwenty to 

pleafe a Hulband ; from twenty to forty Vm refolvM to 
p^eafe myfelf, and from thence upwards Til hnmonr the 
World. 

Mir. The charming wild Notes of a Bird broke oat ef 
its Cage. 

Lam. I mark'd you at the Play, and fomething I (aw 
of a well-furnifh'd, carelefe, agreeable Tour about yon. 
Methoughc your Eyes made their mannerly Demands 
with fuch an arch Modefty, that I don't know how— - 
but I'm elop'd. Ha, ha, ha, Tm elop'd. 

Mir, Ha, ha, ha, I rejoice ia your good Fortune with 
all my Heart. 

Lam. O, now I think on't, Mr. Muftapba^ yoa have 
got the fineft Ring there, I cou'd fcarcely believe it right; 
pray let me fee it. 

Mir. Hum! Yes, Madam, 'tis, 'tis right—- but, but, 
but, but, but, it was given mc by my Mother, an old 
Family Ring, Madam, an old-fafhion'd Family-ring. 

Lam, Ay, Sir — if you can entertain yourfelf with a 
Song for a Moment, Til wait on you immediately ; come 
in there. 

Enter Singers. 
Call what you pleafe. Sir. 

Mir, The new Song Prithee^ Phillis, 

SONG, 

Certainly the Stars have been in a fl range intriguing Hu- 
mour when I was born — Ay, this Night (liou'd 1 have 
had a Bride in my Arms, and that I (bould like well 
enough : But wha( ^u'd I have to-morrow Night ? The 

fame* 



Tie H^ay to mn him. (% 

Tame. And what next Night ? The fiunc. And what 
ncj« Night ? Thp very fame : Soup for Breakfaft, Soup 
for Dinner, Soup for Suppir, and Soup for fireakfait 
again — But here's Variety. 

I/tnfe ibt Fair luho freely gi^es her Htmrt^ 
Jbat^s mine by Ties of Nature, f.ot of Art ; 
JVbo boldly oijuns 'wbaie^er btr Thoughts indite^ 
And is too modeft for a Hypuritt, 

[ £-amorce-tf//f^»'j at the Dour^ mi be runs forwards ber, 
four Bravoes ftep in before ber. He fi arts back. 
She comes, (he comes — Hum, hum—Bitch — Murder'd, 
murder'd to be Aire ? The curfcd Strumpet! To make 
mc ftnd away my Servants -^"Nobody near me ! Thefe 
Cat-throats always make lure WorL. What fhall I do? 
I have but ojie way*. Are thcfe Gendemen your Rela* 
tions, Madam \ 

Lam, Yes, Sir. 

Mir. Gentlemen your raoft humble Servant ; Sir, your 
xnoft faithful, yours, Sir, with all my Heart ; your moft 
obedient — come. Gentlemen, [W/r/f/ ^// r^«W] plcafe 
to fit — no. Ceremony, next the Lady, pray Sir. ' 

£/i«f.-WfelI, Sir, and how d*yc like my Friends ? 

\^rhey all fit. 

Mfr, O, Madam, the mod finrfh^d Gentlemen ! I was 
never more happy in good Company in my Life ; Ifup- 
pnfe, Sir, you have travell'd ? 

I BVa, Yes, Sir. 

Mir. WMch way, may I prefamc ? 

1 Bra. In-a Weftem Barge, Sir. 

Mir. Ha, lia, ha, very pretty j facetious pretty Geti- 
tleman! 

Lam. Ha, ha, ha ; Sir, you have got the prettieft 
Ring upon your Finger there 

Mir. Ah ! Madam; *tis at your Service with all my 
Heart. [OJiring tbe Ring. 

Lam, By no Means, Sir, a Family-ring ! [Takes if. 

Mir. No Matter, Madam'. Seven hundred Pound, by- 
this Light. l^Jide. 

2 Bra. Pray, Sir, what's o*Clock ? 

Mir. Hum I Sir, 1 have left my Watch at home. 
2 Srav. I thought I few the String of Jt juft now — * 

Mir. 



66 ^be Inconftant: Otj 

Mir. Ods my Life, Sir, I beg your Pardon, here it k 
—but it don't go. [futtifig it up. 

Lam, O dear Sir, an Englijh Watch ! Tomfioji*s 1 pro 
fame. 

Mir. D'ye like it. Madam — no Ceremony 'ti^ at 

your Service with all my Heart and Soul— Tlpw/zWs I 
Hang ye. [4fi^'* 

1 Bra. But, Sir, above all Things, I admire the 
Fafliion and Make of your Sword-hilt. I 

Mir, I'm mighty glad you like it. Sir. \ 

I Bra. Will you part with it, Sir ? | 

Mir, Sir, f won't fell it. j 

1 Bra. Not fell it, Sir ! | 

Mir. No, Gentlemen,— —but Til bellow it with all . 
my Heait. IPff'^^^^g '^' 

I Bra. O, Sir, we (hall rob you. 

Mir. That you do I'll be fworn. \^/^Jtde ] 1 have another 
at home, pray, Sir, — Gentlemen you're too moded, have 
I any thing elfe than you fancy ? — Sir, will you do xne 
a Favour ? \To the iji Bravo] I am extremely in love with 
that Wig which you wear, will you do me the Favour to 
change with me f 

I Bra. Look'e, Sir, this is a Family Wig, and I 
wou'd not part with it, but if you like it 

Mir, Sir your moft humble Servant. [They change JFigs. 

1 Bra. Madam, your moft humble Slave. 

'\Goes upfoppijhly to the Ladj^ falutes her, 

2 Bra. The Fellow*s very liberal ; fhall we murder hinor? 
I Bra, What ! Let him 'fcape to hang us all ! And I 

to lofe my Wig ; no, no ! 1 want but a handfbme Pre- 
tence to quarrel with him, fbr you know we muft aft 
like Gentlemen. Here, fome Win3 — [ff^tne here.'] Sltt 
your good Health. [PuIJs Mirabel iy the Neje. 

Mir. Oh ! Sir, your moft humble Servant ; a pleaUnt 
Frolic enou2h, to drink a Man's Health, and pull hiia 
by the Nofe: ha, ha, ha, the pleafanteft pretty-hn* 
mour'd Gentleman. 

Lam. Help the Gentleman to a Glafs. [Mir. brinks, 

I Bra. How d*ye like the Wine, Sir ? 

Mir. Very good o' the kind, Sir : But I tell ye what i 
I find we're all inclined to be frolicfome, and I'gad, 
for my own part, I was never more difpofed to be merry ;. 



fbe Way to win him. 6^ 

let*s make a Night on't, ha !— This Wine is pretty, but 
I have fuch Bur^umh at home. — Look*e, Gentlemen, let 
me fend for halt a dozen FJaiks of my Burgundy ^ I defy 
France to match it; — *Twill make us all Life, all Air, 
pray. Gentlemen. 

% Bra, Eh ! Shall us have his Burgundy I 

I Bra, Ves, faith, we'll have all we can ; here call up 
the Gentleman's Servant— What think you, Lamorcef 

Lam, Yes, yes,-; your Servant is a foolifh Country 

Boy, Sir, he underflands nothing but Innocence. 

Mir. Ay, ay, Madam. — Here, Page, lEn/er Oriana.! 
take this Key, and go to my Butler, order him to fend 
hal/ a dozen Flafks of the red Burgundy, mark*d a thou- 
fand ; and be fure you make hade, 1 long to entertala 
my Friends here, my very good Friends. 

Omnes, Ah, dear, Sir ! 

1 Bra. Here, Child, take a Glafs of Wine— Your 
MaAer and I have chang'd Wigs, Honey, in a Frolic. ' 
Where had you this pretty Boy, honeft Mujiapba f 

Oru Mufiapha / 

Mir, Out of Picardy — ^^-^-this is the firll Errand he has 
made for me, and if he does it right. Til encourage him. 

OrL The red Burgundy, ^\i, 

Mir. The red, mark'd a thoufand, and be fare yots 
make hafte. 

Ori, I ihall. Sir. \^Exit. 

I Bra,, Sir, you were pleasM to like my Wig, have 
you any Fancy for my Coat ? — Look'e, Sir, it has ferv'd 
a great many honeft Gentlemen very faithfully. 

Mir, Not fo faithfully, for Tm afraid it has got a fcurvy 
Trick of leaving all its Matters in Necelfity »— 1 he Info- 
lencc of thefe Dogs is beyond their Cruelty. \^^fide^ 

Lam, You're melancholy, Sir. 

Mir, Only concern'd, Madam, that I (hon'd have no 
Servaiit here but this little Boy he'll make fome con- 
founded Blunder, Til lay my Life on't, I wou'd not be 
difappointed of my Wine for the Univerfe. 

Lam, He'll do well enough, Sir j but Supper's ready, 
will you pleafe to eat a Bit, Sir ? 

Mir, O, Madam, I never had a better Stomach in my 
Life. 

Lam^ Come then, — we have nothing but a Plate of Soup. 

Mr* 



68" Yhe Incenftant : Or^ 

Mfr. Ah ! The Marriage-foup I coa'd difpcnfc w'A 
now. [^^ie.] l^^'^- ^^f^^fii '^^ ^<»^- 

2 Bra. That Wig won't fall to yoor Share. 

1 Bra. No, no, we*ll fettle that after Sapper, in the 
mean time the Gentleman, (hall wear it. 

2 Bra. ShaH we difpatch him ? 

5 Bra, To be fure. 1 think he knows, me. 

1 Bra, Ay, ay, dead Men tell no Tales; I wonder at 
the Impudence of the EngViJh Rogues, that will hazard the 
Meeting a Man at the Bar whom} they have encoanter*d 
upon the Road ! I ha'n't the Confidence to look a Man 
in the Pace after I have done him an Injufy, therefbrt 
wcM murder him. \Eximn^ 

SCENE changei to Old Mirabel'/ Hoi^e, 

Enttr Durctete | 

Vur, My Friend has forfaken me, 1 have abandoned mjr 
Millrefs, my 1 ime lies he.ivy upon my Hands, and my 
Money burns in my Pocket — But now 1 think on't, my 
Myrmidons are upon Duty to-night; Til fairly ftrole 
down to the Guard, and nod away, the Night with my 
honeft Lieutcrrant over a Flafk of Wine, a Rakc-hclly 
Story, and a Pipe of Tobaeco [Going oj-) hiLmettshim* 

Br/. Who comes there ? lland ! 

Dur. Hcv day, now (he's turn'd Dragoon. 

B:/, Looh'e, Sir, I'm lold you intend to travel agatp. 
—■I t^eiign to wait on you as far as Italy. 

D::r. rh:n I'll travel into JVales. 

Bij\ IJ'.ries I What Coi-.ntry's that ? 

Dut\ The Land of Mountains, Child, where yoo're 
Yicvcr out of the way, 'caufe there's no fach thing as a 
•Hi^h'joad. 

////. Rather alwavs in a High-road, 'caufe yon travel all 
upon Hills ; — but oe't as it will, I'll jog along wit j you. 

Dur, But we intend to fail to the Kfijl-lndus. 

Bif. Raft or Wefi^ 'tis all one to me ; Tm tight and 
light, aiui the fitter for fii ing. 

Dur, But fuppoie we take ihro' Germany^ and drink hard. 

Bif.. Suppofcl take thro* Germany^ aud drink harder 
than yoQ. 

Dur. Suppofe I go to a Bawdy-houfe. 

Bif. Suppofe 1 Ihcw you the Way. 

Dm'. 



Tti fFay to win bim. 69 

Dur, 'Sdeath, Woman, will you go to the Guard with 
me, and fmoak a Pipe } 
Bi/. AlLmdofu! 

Dur. 1 he Devil's in the Woiiun }—- —fuppofe I haog 
myfelf. 

Bi/. There Til leave you. 

Dur. And a happy riddance, the Gallows is welconie. 
£i/. Hold, hold. Sir {Catches him hj the Arm going] 
one word before we part. 

Dmr. Let me go. Madam, or I (hall think that 

youVe a Man, and perhaps may exa^jine you* 

Bi/. Stir if you dare ; 1 have ilill Spirits to attend me ; 
and can raife fuch a mutter of Fairies as fliall punilh you 
to death— -Come, Sir, dand there now and ogle me : [He 
fro'ivns vpon her,"] Now a languifliing Sigh ! [Hegrcans.'] 

Now run and take my Fan, fafter. [lie runs and 

takes it up,"] Now play with it handlbmely. 

Dur, Ay, ay. \_He tears it all in pieces, 

Bi/ Hold, hold, dear humourous Loxcomb j Captain, 
foare my Fan, and I'll — Why, you rude, inhuman Mon- 
ftcr, don't you exped to pay for this ? 

Dur, Yes, Mad«^m, there's Twelve Pence ; for tlia-c is 
the Price on't. 
Bi/ Sir, it cofl a Guinea. 
Dur^ Well, Madam, you fliall have the Sticks again. 

[Jhro^vs them to her^ and Exit. 

Bi/ Ha, ha, ha, ridiculous below my Concern. I 

muft follow him however, to know if he can give me any 

News of Or/^»^sr. [Exit. 

SCENE changes to Laraorce'j Lodgings, 
Enter Mirabel Solus, 

Mir. Bloody Hell-hounds, I over-heard you : Was 

not I two Hours ago the happy, gay, rejoicing Mira- 
bel ? How did I plume ray Hopes in a fair coming frolpccl 
of a long Scene of Years ? Life courted me wiih ail the 
Charms of Vigour, Youth, and Fortune ; and lo be torn 
away from all my promifed Joys is more than Death ; the 
Manner too, by Villains. — O my Oriana, this \'try Mo- 
met. t might have blefs'd me in thy Arms, and mypoorEoy f 
the innocent Boy! — Confufion! — But hu(h, they come : 
I muH difTemble ftill — No News of my Wine, Gentlemen ? 

Lnttr 



JO Hhe Inconfianl : Or^ 

Enter the four Bravoes. 

1 Bra, No, Sir, I believe your Country-booby hai 

himfelf, and we can wait no longer for't : True, 

youVe a pleafant Gentleman, buc I fuppofe yea an 
nand our Bufinefs. 

Mir, Sir, I may go near to guefsat your Employmc 
you. Sir, are a Lawyer, I prefume, you a Phyfician, 
a Scrivener, and you a Stock-jobber. — All Cut thn 
I.gad. , [. 

4 Bra. Sir^ I am a broken Officer; I was cafliier 
the Head of the Army for a Coward : So I took uf 
Trade of Murder to retrieve the R eputation of my Coai 

3 Bra, I am a Soldier too, and wou*d ferve my K 
but I don't like the Qiiarrel, and I have more Ho 
than to fight in a bad Caufe. 

2 Bra, I was bred a Gentleman, and have no E( 
but 1 muft have my Whore and my Bottle, thro' the 
judice of Education. 

1 Bra, I am a Ru|Han too, by the Prejudice of Ed 
tion, 1 was bred a Butcher. In Ihort, Sir, if your V 
had come, we might have trifled a little lonjrer. — C( 
Sir, whicji Sword will you fall by? mine, Sir? 

2 Bra, Or mine ? \dr 

3 Bra, Or mine ? [</n 

4 Bra, Or mine ? [</r. 
Mir, I fcorn to beg my Life ; but to be butcher'd tl 

O there's the Wine this Moment for (inock 

my Life or Death. 

Enter Qriana. 
Loft, for ever loft !— Where's the Wine, Child ? [fat 
Ori. Coming up, Sir. [^Stamps,'] 
Enter Doretete luith bis Sivord dra'wn, andjtx oj 
grand Mu/qutteers nxith their Pieces frefented^ 
Ruffians drop their S'words, [Oriana gee. 

Mir, The Wine, the Wine, the Wine. Youth, Pleai 
Fortune, Days and Years, are now my own again.— 
my dear Friends did not I tell you this Wine w 
make me merry ? — Dear Captain, tnefe Gentlemen arc 
bcft-natur'd, facetious, witty Creatures, that ever you ki 
Enter Lamorcc. 
Lam, Is the Wine come. Sir ? 
Mir. O yes. Madam, the Wine is come— —fee «h< 



7be Way to win him. 7 1 

[Pointing to the SoUiers'] Your Lady fhip has got a very 
fine King upon your Finger. 

Lam, Sir, 'tis at your Service. 

Mr. O ho ! is it io ? Thou dear Seven hundred Pound, 
thou'rt welcome home again, with all my Heart — Ad's my 
Life, Madam, you have got the fineil built Watch there ! 
Tomfion^s^ I prefanie. 

I.arn^ Sir, you may wear It* 

Mir. Of Madam, by no mean^, 'tis too much — Rob 
you of a'l [^{Taking it from A/r] Good dear Time, thou'rt 
a precious thing, I'm glad 1 have retrieved thee : '^Putting 
it up] What, my Friends neglefted all this while I Gen- 
tkmen, you'll pardon my Complaifance to the Lady.— 
How now — is it civil to be fo out of Humour at my En. 
terfainment, and I fo plcafed with yours ? Captain, youVe 
ftirpriz'd at all this ! but we*re in our frolics, you muft 

know. Some Wine here. 

Enter Ser<vant ivitb Wire, 
Come, Captain, this worthy Gentleman's Health. 

\T'wep.ks the firji Bravo by the No/e ; be roars, 

Itot now, where where's my dear Deliverer, my Boy, 

my chaiming Boy I 

J B>a. I hope fomc of our Crew below-ftairs have dif- 
patch^d him, 

Mir. Villain, what fay'il tbou? Difpatch'd ! FII have ye 
all tortured, rackM, torn to Pieces alive, if you have 
touch'd my Boy. — Here, Page! Page I Page! [Rwjsout, 

Dur, Here, Gentlemen, be fureyou fecure thofe Fellows. 

I Bra, Yes, Sir, we know you and your Guard will be 
very civil to us. 

Dur. Now for you. Madam ; He, he, he. — Vm fo 

pleas'd to think that I {hail be reveng'd of one Woman 
before I die— Well, MiJlrefs 5;/<7;>.Z)r^^o;?, which of ihefe 
honourable Gcnilemen is Jo happy to call you Wife ? 

I Bra, Sir, ihe fhould have been mine to-night, 'caule 
Sampre here had her laft Night. Sir, (he's very true to us 
all tour. 

i?tfg-.Take*em to Juflice. [TbeGuard, carry of tbeBrzvocs, 
Enter Old Mirabel, Dugard, Bifarre. 

Old Afir. Robin, Robin^ where's Bob (' where's my Boy ?— 
What, is ihis the Lady ? a pretty Whore, failh ?— Hcark'e, 

Child, 



72 ^he Inconftant : Or^ 

Child, becaufe my Son was fo civil as to oblige you witk 
a Coach, Til treat you with a Cart, indeed I will. 

Dug, P^Y^ Madam, -*and you (hall have a fwinging Bqai- 
page, three or four thoufand Footmen at your Heels at XtaSi* 

Dur, No lefs becomes her Quality. 

Bif. Faugh ! the Monller ! 

Dtir, Monller! ay, you're all a little nonftrous, let 
me tell you. 

Enter Mirabel. 

Old Mir, Ah, my dear Bob, art thou fafe, Man ? 

Mir, No, no. Sir, I'm ruin'd, the Saver of my Life is loft. 

OU Mir, Np, he came and brought us the News. 

Mir. But where is he ? — [Enter Oriana,] Ha ! [Runs 
aitd £?nhraces her,\ My dear Preferver, what (hall I do to 
recom pence your Trull ? — Father, Friends, Gentlemen* 
behold the Youth that has relieved me from the moft ig- 
nominious Death, from the fcandalous Poniards of thefe 
bloody Ruffians, where to have fall'n would have defam'd 
my Memory with vile Reproach. — •'My Life, £ilate, mf 

AH, is due to fuch a Favour Command me. Child. 

before you all, before my late, fo kind indulgent Stars, 
1 fwear to grant whatever you alk. 

Ori, To the fame Stars indulgent now to mc, I will 
appeal as to the Jull ce of my Chim ; 1 (hall demand but 
what was mine before— —the jull Performance of year 
Contracl to Oriana. [Oi/coofering her/tlf. 

Om , Oriana I 

Ori, In this Difguife I refolv'd to follow you abroad, 
counterfeited that Letter that got me into your Service { 
and (o, by this ftrunp^e Turn of Fate, 1 became the Jnllro- 
mencof your Prcfcrvacion ; ftw common Servants wou'd 
have had fuch Cunning ; my Love infpir'd me with the 
meaning; of your M^iffage, 'caufe my Concern, for your 
Safety made me fufpe^ht your Company. 
Dur, M/r. yoLiVe caught. 

M/r, Caught I I fcorn the thought of Impofition, the 
Trickj and artful Cunning of the Sjx 1 have dcfpia'd, aod 
broke thro' all Contrivance. Caught! No, 'tis my vo- 
luntary Ad ; this was no human Stratagem, but by iny 
provldcntijl Stars, defign'd to (hew the Dangers wand'riog 
You'h incurs by the l^urfuit of an unlawful Love, to 
plunge mc headlong in the Snares of Vice, and tbea to 
1 free 



i 



;ti: 

at 
z 



fhi Wdef to fvin him. 73 

ftee ine by the Hands of Virtae : Here, on my Knees, I 
humbly beg my faifPreferver's Pardoo ; my Thanks are 
needlefi, for royfelf I owe. And now for ever do proteft 
me yours. 

Old Mir. Tall, all di dall. ^/»;/.; Kifs me. Daughter 

w— no, yod (hall kifs me firft, fTo Lamorce] for you're the 

Caufe on't. WeU, Bi/arrey what fay you lo the Captain ? 

B^, I like the Beaft well enou^h» but I don't underdafid 

bis Paces fo well as to venture him in a (Irange Rosd. 

Old Mir^ But Marriage is fo beaten a Path that yoa 
can't go wrong. 

JJ/yT Ay, '^tis (b beaten that the Way is fpoil'd. 
Dur. Ibere is but one thing (houM make me thy Hu^- 
band-— I couM marry thee to>day for the Privilege of 
beating thee to-morrow. 

Oid Mir, Come, come, you may agree for all this, 
Mt. Dugardf are not you pleas'd wiih this ? 

Dug. So pleas'd, that it 1 thought it might fecure } our 
Son's Affcdljon to my Sifter, 1 wou'd double her Fortune. 
Mhr, Fortune 1 has (he not given me mine ? my Life, 
Eftate, my All, and what is more, her virtuous felf.— - 
Virtue, in ihis fo advantageous Life, has her own fpark- 
' Jing Charms, more tempting far than glittering Goid or 
Glory. Behold the Foil f Pointing io Lamorce) that fcts 
this Brightnefs off! (To Oriana.) Here view the Pride 
(To Oriana) and Scandal of the Sex. (To Lam.) 
There {to Lam.) the falfe Meteor, whofc deluding Light 
leads Mankind to Deftru£lion» Here /'^o Oriana) theb-ight 
Ihining Star that guides to a Security of Happinefs, a Gar- 
den and a fingle She {To Oriann) was our firft Father's 
Blifs; the Tempter ^/"o Lam ) and to wander, was his Curfe. 

What Liberty can be fo tempting there^ (To Lam. 

As-afoft^ 'viriuoui^ amrous Bondage hen P (To Oriana, 



V ne EnloftU Vifth A C T. 



f 



Vofc. IL D SO N O 



74 l^t Inconftant : Or^tbeWay t$winbim. 

SONG: By Mr. O u 

Set by Mr. Danitl PurctlL 



QINCE^ Coelia, V/i not in our Power 
To tell ho^w long our Lives may laft^ 
Begin to love this very Hour^ 

Tou\e loji too much in ivbeu is paft, . .' 

ir. . ; . 

For Jtnce the Poiver ewe all ohey, . ^ 

Has in your Breafi my Heart conjin^d^ 

Let me my Body to it lay, - ' A 

In vain you* d part luhat Nature join^d^ .\ 




EPI- 



EPILOGUE. 

Written by Nathaniel Rowe, Efq; 

And fpoken by Mr. Wuks. 

fROM Fletcher*/ great Original, today 

Wi took the Hint 0/ this our Modern Flay : 
HT Author, from bis Lines ^ has Jirove to paint 
nm/ty^ ijuild, inconftamt^ free Gatlant : 
1th a gay Soul, <with Sfnje, and Will to rove, 
ah Language, and fwitb Softnefs framed to mo*ve^ 
1th little Truth, hut lAfith a Wmi of Lo^e. 
ub Forms on Maids in Morning Slumbers *wait, 
'hen Fancy firfi infiruQs their hearts to heat, 
*benjirft they luijh, andfegbfor nuhat they know not yet, 
"Otwn not, ye Fair, to think your Lowers may 
rachyour cold Hearts hyfome unguarded Way ; 
f Villeroy's Misfortune make you nvife, 
here*s Danger ftill in Darknefs and ^urprife ; 
W from his Rampart he defy*d the Foe, 
rince Eugene found an AqueduQ hefofw. 
1th eafy Freedom, and a gay Addrefs, 
p^ejjinff Lo*verfeldom *wants Succefs : 
"hilft the Refpeaful like the Greek, /// donun^ 
nd n»ajles a ten Years ^iege before one Town, 
r her o^wnfake, let noforfaken Maid, 
ur Wanderer, for nxjant of Love, upbraid \ 
nee '*tis a Secret, nonejhou^d e^er confefs, 
bat they ha*ve loft the happy PoivV to pleafe, 
^youfufpeB the Rogue inclined to break, 
reakfirft, and fvuear you've turned him off a Week ; 
/ Primes, ivhen they refiy State/men doubt ^ 
efort they com furrender, turn *em out* 

Dz Wb0t* 



7« 



EPILOGUE. 



Whatever you think^ granjt Vfis mm he madit 

jind nufb evenfir^ Ineonft^i/uy befaUt* 

Let the good Mi^fer Meuria^risei d^p^df 

With findhus Care, and Diligence ofmind, 

Turn over every Page of Womankind \ 

Mark every Sen/e^ and bov) the Readings vary. 

Ami, vukii be kw9^ tbfg vupi^. on^U^^iu him marry^ 



^% 




Tt: 



THE 

TWIN. RIVALS. 
COMEDY. 

As it i» Acted at the 
THEATRE-ROYAL 

I K 

DRURY-LANE, 

By Hi» MAJESTY'S Servants. 

Sic *vo4 noH <vobii. 

LONDON: 
Printed for John Ri VI NGTON, W. Johnston, S. Crow- 

DBR, G. WoODPALL, T. CaSLON, T. LoWNOfiS^ 

W-NixxoLL, S. Bladon, and R. Baldwih^ 
M,DCC,LXXII.. 



'^M^fm^mfmmM 






THE 



PREFACE. 



THE Socceft and Countenance that Debauchery has 
met w th M Plays, wat the moft Cevtre and rcafon- 
able Charge againft their Authors in Mr. Collier* s Short 
Virw ; and indeed this Gentlemen had done the Drama 
confiderable Service, had he arraigned the Sta^e only to 
ponifh its Mifdemeanors, and not to take away its Life ; 
out there ia an Advanuge to be made fometimes of the 
Advice of an Enemy, and the only Way to difappoint 
his Deiigns, is to improve upon his Inve£tives, and to 
make the Stage flourifh, by the Virtue of that Satire by 
which he thought to fupprefs.ic. 

I have therefore in this Piece endeavoured to (hew, that 
an Englijk Comedy may anfwer the Stri£tnefs of Poetical 
Juftice : but indeed the greater Share of the EngUJh Au- 
dience, (I mean that part which is. no farther read than 
in Plays of their own Language) have imbibed other 
Principles, and (land up as vigoroufly for the old Poetic 
Licence, as they do for the Liberty of the Subjc6>. They 
take all Innovations for Grievances ; and let a Projeft be 
never fo well laid for their Advantage, yet the I'iuIlt- 
taker ii very likely to fufFer by'c. A Play without a Berji. 
Cully, Cuckold, or Coquet, is as poor an F r.teit.:i'» 
■ment to feme Palates, as their Sundays Dinnei \v j .i 
be without litti and Puddirg. And this 1 lake t ■ r 
one Reafon that the Galleries were fo thin during the 
Run of this Play. I thought indeed to have footh'd the 
{plenetic Zeal of the City, by making a Gentleman a 
ICnave, and puni(hing their great Grievance — A l^hore- 
mafter : but a certain Virtuofo of that Fratcrnitv has told 
me fince, that the Citizens were never more difappointed 
in any Entertainment ; for [/aid be) however pious we 
O 4 may 



4 PREFACE. 

nav appeur to be at home, yet we never m to thift 
end of the Town but with an lntent,^>n to Jbciewd* 

TKcre was an Odium caft upoD thif Play, before it ap- 
peared, by fome Perfons who thought it their Intereft to 
Aave it fuppreis'd. The Ladies were fiiohtencd from (eeine; 
St, by formidable Stories of ft Midwife, and were told» 
no doubt, that thev mud expert no Ufs than a LmBput 
upon the St;iffe ; out I hope the examiniirg lato that 
Afperfion will be enough to wipe it off", fince the Cha- 
ra^.ler of ihe Midwife is only fo far touch'd as is necedary 
for carrying on the Plot, fhe being principally decy- 
pher'd in her procuring Capacity i and 1 dare not affrant 
the Ladies fo far, as to ixoagine they cou'd be offended 
at the expofin^ of a Bawd. 

Some Ciiucs tcomplain, that the Defiga if defeAine 
for want ofCalia's Appearance in the Scene i Init 1 bad 
rather they {bauld End this Fault, thaa 1 forfeit my Aa^ 

fard to the Fair, bj^ fliewiog a Lady of Figure iiiider a 
lisfortune ; for which Reason 1 made faer only N^mioal 
and chofc to cxpofe the Pcxfou that ii^r -d her : And if 
the Ladies don't agree that i bave doae her Jafticc ia tbe 
End, I'm very ferry for t. 

Some PaofHc ace apA to fay, That tbe CbaraSer of 
RitMrnv-i points at a particular Perfon ; tbo* I miift co»- 
fcl'Sf I fee nothing but what is very general in his Ciia<« 
racier, except hit in>rrylng his own Miftrefs ; ivhicb faf 
the way be never did, ior he wai ao fooner off the Sun^ 
but he changed hit Miod, and the poor Lady it AilT ai 
^titu ^M9: Bwt upon the whole Matter, 'tis Applkatiaa 
Ofily makes the Afs ; ai>d Charaders in Plays arc ItJoo 
Lon^'lane Clothes, not hung out for the Ufe of any par- 
ticular People, but to be bought by ooly thofe ihcy hap- 
pen to fit 

The mod material Ohjeflion againd l^is Play is the 
Importance of the Subjed, which neceHarily leads inea 
Sentiments too great for Divcrfion, and fuppofes Vicea 
too great for Comedy to puniOi* 'Tis faid, 1 maft own, 
tli;it the Bufincfs of Comedy \h chiefly to ridicule Follyy 
8ii(i that the Puniihmerit of Vice falls rather into the Pro* 
vince of Trag/cdy ; but if there be a middle Sort of 
Wicked nefs too high for the S$cJtB and too iow for the 
Biifiin^ is there any Reafgo that ic flioo^d go uopuaiOi'd? 

What 



PREFACE. s 

Whlf ftit UKIfe •BilttkWai to human Society, thtn the 
VaUtdt ftpotM ih ihii hcjr, the Fntfds, t^lou and Con- 
tfivanoes apon the Fortunei of Men, and the Vii tue of 
Women f out the Perfonrare too mean for Heroic ; then 
whntmaft we do with- them ? Why, the^ mnft of nt- 
cCfflty ar6p iritd Com^^ : For it it unreaionable to ima- 
gine that the Lawgivers in Poetry would tie themfclvei 
up from exfttftin^ that Jufti^e which it the Foundation 
of their Conftitution ; or to fay, that expofing Vice i& the 
Bnfinefs of the Drama, and yet make Rules to fcreen it 
from Perfecutiott. 

^ Some have aflced the Qaeftion, V/hy the Elder JVoudhe^ 
in the Foorth AA> fliould counterfeit Madnefs in hi» 
Confinement ? Don't miftake, there was no fuch thing 
in his Head y and the Judlciodt could eafily perceive that 
It was only a Surt of Homour put on to divert his Me- 
lancholy, and when Gaiety is drained to cover Misfor- 
tune, it may vtty naturally be overdone, and rife to a 
Semblance of Madncfs, fufficient to impofe on the Con- 
ftable, and pdrhaps on Tome of the Audience ; who tak- 
ing everv thin? at Sight, impute that as a Kaiilt, which 
\ am bold to ftand op for, ns one of the moft mallerly 
Strokes of the whole Piece. 

This I thinic fufficient to obviate what ObjcAions I 
have heard made ; but there was no great Occafion for 
4aking this Defence, having had the Opinion of fome 
of the ereateft Perfons in England^ both for Quality and 
Parts, that the Play has Merit enough to hide more Faults 
than hav6 been roand i and I think their Approbation 
filfficient to excufe fome Pride that may be incident to 
tNe Author upon this Perform.incd. 

I muft own myfelf obliged to Mr. L§nguf'oilh for fome 
Lines in the Partof T'/ii/ir/, and fomethingof the Lawyer ; 
but above all for his Hint of the Twins, upon which I 
form'd my Plot: But having paid him all due Satisfac- 
tion and Acknowledgment, I mull do tnyfelf the Juftice 
to believe, that few of our modern Writers have been 
lefs beholden to foreign Afliftance in their Plays, than I. 
have been in the following Scenes. 



D 5 PRO- 



^g^^em^ stmm^A ^fl^AEBfe iCMflMfe tMmaBI^ jg|^^a|^ jflMrfife 

'WW l^PP^Spr VCWflfr ^fRWgir ^VJVVPr 'WVVVr ^1B^^B» 

PROLOGUE; By Mr. Mottiux. 
Spoken by Mr. WILKS. 

An ALARM founded^ 

Tf/'ITH Drums and Trumpets in this warring Agf, 
A Martial ProUgui fl?9u!d alarm tbt Stagi. 

New Plays ere Aaed^ a full Audience near^ 

Seem Tonvns invifted, nuben a Siege I bey /ear* 
Pro 'agues are like a Fere'lorn Hope/ent eut 
Before tbe Play^ iojkirmip and to fcout : 
Our dreadful Foes, tbe Critics, nvben tbey ffy^ 

They cock, they charge, t bey fire then hack tbeyfy, 

Tbe Siefre is laid tbeir gallant Chiefs abound^ ^ 

Here^Foes intrenched; tbere^^glittiring Troops around, V 

Ahd the loud Batteries roar — from yonder rifissg Gvoustd, 3 

Jnthe firft Aa, brijk Sallies (mifsorbit) 

With follies of/mall Shot, or fnip-fnap Wit^ 

Attack, and gall the Trenches of the Pit* 

Tbe next "^^ the Fire continues, but at lengtb 

Crows lefs, and flachens like a BridegroonCs Strength* 

Tbe third. Feints, Mines, and Countermines abound. 

Tour Critic Engineers fafe under-ground. 

Blow up our Work/, and all our art confound. 

Tbe fourth — brings on moft Aaion, and *tis Jharpy 

Frejh Foes croud on, at your Remijfnefs carp. 

And de/p'rate^ tho* unJkiWd, infult our Counterfcarp^ 

Then comes tbe loft ; tbe general Storm is near^ 

Tbe Poet-governor now quakes for Fear; 

Rum wildly up and down i forgets to huff. 

And wou^d give all he's plunder d to get off 

So — Don, and Monfieur — BlufF, before tbe Siege, 
Were quickly tamld^-^at Vcnlo, and at Liege : 



] 



P R O L O G U E. 

YWmtf ViTi Sptgnia ! Vive Prtnce \ Ufmrt ; 

IVm;, Qparder: Monfiearl Qaartier! Ah I Senor! 

But ^vobatyour Rifohuiom cam nuitbfimidT 

Tou mafier all, find a«ufe the Sea and Land, 

Jm IFaT'^our FjUour makes the Strong fuhmit i 

Tour Judgment humbles all Attempts in IFit. 

What Plajt tvbat Forty what Beauty can endure 

Jill fierce Jffaidts^ and alivajs hefecure ! 

^ben grant ^em genro^s 7erms njtibo dare to *wnte. 

Since non»—that feems as 4ejfrate as to fight : 

Iftve muft yield^^et e*er the Day hefixt, 

tit us bold out tbi Tbird-^and, if we may, the Sixtk% 




DITA. 



DRAMAXry FERSONiBl. 
DRURY-LANE, 1^1^ 



U B. N. 



Young fTcu'Me^ 


Mr. Mhii 


Elder ^#»V*i^. 


Mr. ReMJhi. 


7r»r/9tf»i 


Ur.Jfffer/nu, 


Richmtn^ 


Mr P^rri/r. 


Fair-hanki. 


Mr. Hur/^ 


Suhtlemafip. 


Mr. Baddile^ 


Alderman^ 


Mr. Fmr/onsm, 


Balderdajh^ 


Mr. Ackmanm. 


Steward^ 


Mf. Hartfy. 


FoeU 


Mr. HT. Ptf/iw#r^ 


ConftabUy 


Mr. Wrigbieui 


Tiaguis 


Mr. Afi^M^^ 






t^antn 


MiftPi^^/ 


mdnigbtt 


Mrs. Bradfimml 


Mra. Ckar^auQunti. 


Mrs-. Zwr. 


Jur(Ua% 


Mrs. Ahingtw* 



tCENE,. lONDOlf, 




wmmmmtmmmik 



U \Ml 




THE 



T WIN-^RIVALS^ 



ACT I. 

S C E N E^ Lodgings. 

fl^ Curtain draws up, ^ifeovtrs ycung WouMbt 4 drtf- 
Jing, and bii VaUt buckiing^ bit Sbottt* 

Bi.j».*ERE is foch a Plague every Morm»gr 
with buckling Shoes, gartering, cbmbiifgi. 
and powderinf;— *-^Pihaw ! ceafe thy Ittif^ 
perunence, I'll drefs nb more today 

N-p^Were I an hoaeft Brute, that 

?4^ rifes from his Liuer, ihakes himfelf^ and 
h ia dreft, I cou'd bear it. 

Entet Rrchroore. 
Rkb. Nd farther yet, Wou'dbe! 'Tis almoft One. 
y. W^ Then bhime the Clock-makers, they made it 
fc ;— — Frithee, what have w^ to do with Time ? Can't 
we let k alone as Nature made it ? Can't a Man eat when 
Wabnngry, go to Bed when he's fleepy, rife when he 
wakeiy drefs when he ploaifeay without the Confinement 
•£ Hours t« enflave him ^ 

Rkb. 




10 The Twin-Rivdls. 

Rub. Pardon me^ Sir^ I underftand yonr 8t(ttc{fin<-» 
You have loft your Money lad Night. 

Y. W. No« no> Fortune took care of me the r e ■ ■■■! 
had none to loTe. 

Rich. Tis that gives you the Spleen. 
. Y. tV. Yes, I have got the Spleen and (bmethipg eUc 
^Hcark'e 

Rich. How ! \JVbi/ffrt. , 

Y. W, Pofitively. The Lady's kind Reception wai 
the moft fcvcre Ufage t ever met with — Sha'n't I break 
her Windows, Richmore ? 

Rich. A mighty Revenge truly : Let me tell ypilt 
Friend, that breaking the Windows of fuch Houies are 
no more thah writing over a Vintner's Door, as they do 
in Holland— Vin te hoop* *Tis no more than a Buih to the 
Tavern, a Decoy to the Trade, and to draw in CuA 
tomers ; but upon the whole Matter, I think, a Gentle- 
man fhou'd put up an AiFront got in fuch little Company i 
for the Pleaiure, the Pain, and the Refentmenc are all 
alike fcandalous. 

Y. W, Have you forgot, Richmore^ how I found yon 
one Morning with the flying Pofi in your Hand, hunt* 
ing for Phyfical Adverdfements ? 

Rich, 1 hat was in the Days of Dad^ my Friendt la 
the Days of dirty Linen, Pit-mafks, Hedge- taveriis, and 
Beef-fteaks : But now I fly at nobler Game, the Ringv 
the Court, Paiulet's and the Park. I defpife all JVomen 
that I apprehend any Danger from, ^lefs than the having 
my Throat cut ;. ana fhould fcruple to converfe even witE 
a Lady of Fortune, unlefs her Virtue were loudenoag^ 
to give me Pride in expofing it — Here's a Letter I re* 
ceiv'd .thi» Morning ; you may read it. {jSintis a Lttttr- 

Y. W. [Reads ] 
JF there he Solemnity in Proteflations^ Juftice in Heawn^ 
'*• or Fidelity on Earthy 1 may ftill depend on tbo Fintb rf 

niy Richmore Tho" Tmay conceal my Lo<ue^ I no Ungtr 

canJfide the Effeas en*t from the World Be careful of mf 

honour, remember your ^ew/, and fly to tbi Relief of tbt 
difconfolate Clelii. 

The fair, the courted, blooming Clelia t 
Rich. The credulous, troublefome, fooliii CleHa. Did* . 



Tie TwifhRivab^ i.i 

jon ever read fach a fulibme Haranfirue-^Lord, Sir, [ 
am near my 'Hmet and want your Afiiftance— Does tha 
filly Creatare imagine tbat anv Man wou*d come near 
lier in thofe Ctrcamftances, uBlefs it were Dodor Cbam" 
itrlaiit'^Yoa may keep the Letter. 

Y. XPl But why wou*d you trnft it with me ? Yon 
know I can't keep a Secret that has any Scandal in*t. 

RM, For that reafon 1 communicate it. I know thou 
art a perfed Gaztttty and will fpread the News all over 
the Town : For you muft nnd«riland that f am now be- 
fieging another ; and 1 would have the Fame of my 
Conqneft upon the Wiog, that the Town may furrender 
the foonar. 

Y. W, But if the Report of your Ciuclty goes along 
with that of vour Valour, you'll find no Garrilon of any 
Strength will open their Gates to you. 
. Rich. No, noj Women are Cowards, the Terror pre* 
vails upon them more than Clemency : My heft Pretence 
to my Siiccefs with the Fair, is my ufing 'em ill ;^ 'tis 
taming their own Guns upon 'em, and I have always 
found It the moft fuccefsful Battery to afTail one Repuu* 
tion by facrificing another.. 

Y. fF. I eou'd love thee for thy Mifchief, did 1 not 
envy diee for thy Succefs in't. 

iicb. You never attempt a Woman of Figure; 

Y. Wc How can I f This confounded Hump of mine 
it ibch a Burden a^ my^ Back, that it prefies me down 
here in the Dirt and Difeafes of Covent-Garden^ the low^ 

Snbarbs of Pleafure Curft Fortune I I am a younger 

Brother, and yet cruelly depriv'd of my Birth-right, a 
handfome Perfon; feven thoufand a Year in a direct 
Line, wouM have ftraiten'd my Back to fome Purpofe— 
Bnt I look, in my prefent Circum (lances, like a Branch 
of another kind, grafted only upon the Stock, which 
xnakes me grow fo crooked. 

Rich. Come, come, *tis no Misfortune, your Father 
is £> as well as you. 

Y. fF, Then why (houM not I be a Lord as well as he? 
Had I the fame Title to the Deformity, I cou'd bear it. 

Rich. But how does my Lord bear the Abfence of 
your Twin- brother ? 

Y. W.. My Twin-brother ! Ay, 'twas his crouding me 

that 



Hut fpdilM my Shape, and kti coning half aa tloar h^ 
ibre me that ruin*d my Fortuoe^Nty Father tx|i«lifd Hit' 
his Houfe feme two Vears ago, beCaufe- 1 .ffOfalA'lmlit' 
perfuadecl him that my Twin4>rotlier was a Bftftard->-'>->« 
He gave me my Portion^ which was aboat fiftatt lt\io- 
dred Pound, and I have fpeat two thoa&nd of it dlreadyw 
As for my Brother, he don't care a Farthing for mb^. 

XhL Why fo, pray ? 

V. PF. A rery odd Reafon— ^Becaafc I hate htni. 

HicL How mould he know that ? 

Y. ^. Becaufe he thinks it reafonable it ihoo'd be (b, 

Ricb. But did your 'aflions ever exprefs any Maltde t^ 
him? 

Y,lf^» Yes: Iwout^ fain have kept hint company i- 
but being aware of my Kindnefs ; he went abrora : m 
has travell'H thefe five Vears^ and I am told, it a glilre^ 
feber Fellow, and in danger of living a greal>wbile | dl 
my hope is, that when he gets into his HooOar aid 
Eliate, the Nobility will foon kill him by drinking him 
up to his Dignity.— But come, Frami^ 1 have but tw^ 
£ye-fbres in the World, a Brother before me, and a Haajp 
behind me, and thOu art ftill laying *em in rnifWty: 
Let us aflume an Argument of Icfe Sevefity * iCaa't 
thou lend me a Brace of hundred Pounds ? 

JRich What wou'd you do with 'em? 

Y. ^. Do with *em ! There's a Qgeftiofi indo<di 

i-— Do you think I woQ*d cat 'cm ? 

Rich. Yes, o' my troth «^ou*d you, and drlAk *ctoi Mi 

gethcr. Look'e, Mr. IVou^dbt^ whilft ydu kept wdl 

with your Father, I cou'd have ventor'd to have lentyo^ 
£ve Guineas. — But as the Cafe ftan'ds, lean afiiire yo«j t 
have lately paid off my Siilers Fortunes, an d ■■ ■ 

Y.W. Sir, this Put-oJF looks like an Affront, wha» 
you know I don't ufe to take fuch Things. ' 

Rich, Sir, your Demand is rather an Affront, wkeik 
you know I don't ufe to give fuch Thiogt* 

Y. W, Sir, ril pawn my Honour.. 

Rich. That's mortgaged already for more than it H 
worth ; you had better pawn your Sword there, 'Cvill 
bring you forty Shillings. 

Y, W. 'Sde^b, ^it'^l7akt$bisS'mrdcftb4r0U€.. ' 



^h. Ho1d» Mfr. fi^Vifr,->-^ia|ip^ I pot an end » 
ourMitforCuMBitll'ac oo€€. 

Y.;^. How, Sir? 

Rich. Wtijf igo to a Magiftrate, and fwarr 70a woa'd 
lave robb*d me of Two hnndi^ Pound 8-^Lo<Hc'e» 8if» 
"ou htLV€ been often told, that your ExtraTagance wau'd 
Qtae Time or other be the roin of yoo ; and it wHi go -a 
;reat way ia yoar Indidment, to nav« tarn'd the p0d 
pon your Friend. 

y. ^. This Ufage is the height of Ingratitude ftom 
ou, in whoTe Company 1 have fpent my Fortune. 

Ri<&. Vtn therefore a Witneft, that it was very ill 
jent— — Why woa*d you keep Comjyany* beat«qual 
^Kpenoes with me that have fifty times yonr filiate? 
(<^hat was Gallantry iti me, was Pfodigality in yoo : 
line was my tiealth, bocaufe I couM pay for it ; yeura 
Difeafe, btcaafe yoa coa^d not. 

y. ^. And is this all I muft txpt^ from oof Fritnd- 
*p? 

Hich, Friendfliij) ! Sir, there can bt no fadi ^ing 
^»JbMt an EqaaHity. 

Y« -^^ That is, tliere can be no ftich thityg whetb 
lieie is oocafioA for^t. 

iRicib. Right. Sir,— ^oirr Friendihip was over a Bottle 
nly ; :a«id whilA you can pay your Club of Ftiendfliip, 
*m that way your humble Servant ; but when once you 
oQie boirrowrnjy Ptn this way-^^^^your humble Servant. 

Y. tl^. Rich, bi|r, proud, arrogant Villai'n ! i have 
een twice hi? Second, thrice iick of the famt Love, and 
nfiqe cuf^'d by the fame Phyfiic, and now he drops tnt 
Dr a Trifle— That an honeft Fellow in his Cups, ftiouM 
c foch a Rogue when he's fober ! — The narrow -hearted 
Lafcal has been drinking CofRse this Morning. Well, 

Iwu dear foljrary Half-crown, adieu! Here, Jac^^ 

Enter Servant.] take this, pay for a bottle of Wine, 
nd bid Bayerdajh bring it himfelf. [Exit, Servant.], 
low melancholy are ray poor Breeches ; not one 

Jhi^fe !- Thoe art a villainoos Hand, for thou haft{ 

ick'd my Pocket, This Vintner now has all the 

larks of an honet Fellow, abroad Face, a copipusLook, 

ftrutdftg Belly, and a jolly Mien* i have, brought him, 

a^bova: 



14 Sri&tf Twm*RivaIs. 

above three Pound a Night for thefe two Years Aiccef- 
fivel)r. The Rogue has Money, I'm furc, if he will but 
lend it. 

Enter Balderdafh nvith a Bottle and Glaft. . 
Oh, Mr. Balderdaftff good Morrow. 

Bald, Noble Mr. Woudbt^ Tm your mod humble Ser- 
vant — I have brought you a Whetting-glafe, the h^QU 
Bock in Europe \ 1 know 'tis your Drink in a Morning. 

Y. W. I'll pledge you/ Mr. Balderdiijb. 

Bald. Your Health, Sir. [Drinks. 

Y. W. Pray, Mr. Balderdajh, tell me one Thing, but 
firil iit down : Now tell me plainly what you think of me. 

Bald, Think of you. Sir ! 1 think that yon are the ho- 
nedeft, nobleft Gentleman, that ever drank aGlafs of Winej 
and the bed Cuftomer that ever came into my Houfe. 

Y. W, And you really think as you fpeak. 

Bald, May this Wine be my Poifon, Sir, if I don't 
fpeak from the bottom Qf my Heart. [Drinki* 

Y. W. And how much Money diO yon think I have 
■fpent in your Houie ? 

Bald. Why, truly. Sir, by a moderate Corapatatioii 
I do believe, that I have handled of your Money the bed 
Part of Five hundred Pounds within thefe two Years, 

Y. W. Very well! And do you think that you lie on- 
der any Obligation for the Trade I have promoted tfl 
your Advantage ? . 

Bald. Yes, Sir ; and if I can ferve you in any reljpefi; 
pray command me to the utmoil of my Ability. 

Y. W. Well ! thanks to my Stars, diere xs ftill fomc 
honefty in Wine. Mr. Balderdajh^ I embrace you aoc 
your Kinduefs : I am at prefent a little low in CaOi, and 
mud beg you to lend me a hundred Pieces. 

Bold. Why truly, Mr. IVcu^dhe, 1 was afraid it wook 
come to this ; 1 have had it in my Head feveral timet tc 
caution you upon your Expences : But you were fo vei) 
genteel in my Houfe, and your Liberality became yoo 
lo very well, that 1 was unwilling to fay any thing thai 
might check your Difpofition ; but truly, Sir, I can for- 
bear no longer to tell you, that you have been a littk 
too extravagant, 

Y. ^. But ii nee you reap'd the Benefit of my Extra" 
vagance, you will, 1 h^jpe, confider my Neceflity. 

MJdi 



!tte Twin-Rivals. ig 

Sold. ConfideryonrNecelEtjpl I do with all my Heart, 
and moft tell yoa, moreover, that 1 will be no looser ac- 
cefTary to it: I defire you. Sir, to freqaent my Hoa(e 
no more. 

Y. fF. How, Sir ! 

BaU, I (ay; Sir, that I have an Honour for mf gpod 
Lord your Father, and will not fuflfer his Son to run into 
any Inconvenience : Sir, 1 fliall order my Drawers not to 

ferve you with a drop of Wine. Wou'd you have mc 

connive at a Gentleman*s DeflrndUon ? 

Y. ^. But methinks, Sir, that a Perfon of your nice 
Confdence fhould have cautionM me before. 

BaJii. Alas ! Sir, it was none of my Buiinefs: WouM 
you l^ave me be fancy to a Gentleman that was my beft 
Cnftomer? Lackaday, Sir, had you Money to hold it out 
. ftill, I had been hang'd rather than be rude to vou— - 
Bat truly, Sir, when a Man is ruin'd^ *tis but tne Duty 
of a Chriilian to tell him of it. 

y. IT. Will you lend me Money, Sir ? 

Bald. Will vou pay me this Bill, Sir ? 

Y. W. Lend me the Hundred Pound, and Til pay the 
Bill 

Bald. Pay me the Bill, and I will — not lend you the 
Hundred Pound, Sir. — But pray coniider with yourfcif, 
now. Sir; wou*d not you think me an errant Coxcomb, 
to truft a Perfon with Money that has always been fo ex« 
traragant under my Eye ? whofe Profufenefs I have feen, 
I have felt, I have handled? Have not I known you, Sir, 
throw away ten Pound of a Night upon a Covey of Pit- 
Partridges, and a Setting-Dog ' Sir, you have made my 
Honie an ill Houfe : My very Chairs will bear you no 
longer.— In (hort, Sir, I defij:e you to frequent the 
Crown no 'more. Sir. 

Y. PF. 1 hou fophifticated Tun of Iniquity ; have I 
fattened your'Carcafs, and fwell'd your Bags with my vital 
Blood ? Have 1 made you my Companion to be thus fancy 
to me ? But now I will keep you at your due Diilance. 

[Kich him. 

Sir. Welcome. Sir! 

Y. fr. Well faid. Jack. [Kuh him again. 

Ser. Very welcome, Sir f I hope we (hall have your 
Company another Time. Welcome, Sir. [ He's kick' d off. 



i8 Th Vkvhhklvab. 

Y. Tf^. ?ny, Wait 6n hitSk down 3t)iirs, ud Me lutf 
a Welcome at the Doot toa C^xi/ Servant. 

This is the Panifhinciit of Hell ; the very DciAl that 
tempted me to Sin, now upbraids me with the Crime.— « 
I have villainoudy murdered my Fortune, and iiow its 
Ghoft, in the lank Shape Of Poverty, haunts me : Is theie 
no Chal-m to conjure down the Fitnd f 
ke-enter Servant. 
Sir. Oh, Sir ! here's fad Newt. 
Y. IV. Then keep it to thyfelf, I have enoogli of diaC 
already. 

Ser. Sir, you will hear it too foon« 
y. m What! is Bread htXo^} 

Ser. No, no^ Sir; better twenty fuch a« he %itA 
hang'd. Sir, your Father's dead. 

Y. tV. My Father! — Good night, my Lord: lias kf 
kft me any thing ? 

Ser. I heard nothing of that. Sir. 
Y. IV. Then I believe you heard all tWre was of it. 
Let me fee»— My Father dead ! and mV elder brother 
abroad ! — If Neceflity be the Mother or Invention. §» 
was never more pregnant than with mre. {Pau/is»^ .Here* 
Sirrah, run to Mrs. Midnight ^ and bid her tome hither 
torefently. [Exit Servant?) That >^om.an was my 
Mother's Midwife when I was born, and has been mf 
Bawd thefe ten Years. I have had her Endeavours ta 
corrupt my Brother's Miflrefs; ahd tiow ker ^A^Kftaaoe 
will be neceffary to cheat him of his Eftate ; J^r flie*e 
famous for underftanding the right- fide af a Wcman*. 
^d the wrong- fide of the Law. \fiM% 

SCENE changtt tb MidnightV iiou/t. 

Midnight and Maid, 

Mid. Who's there? 

Maid, Madam. 

Mid. Has any Meflige been left for me To-day ?T 

Maid. Yes, Madam ; httt has been one from m^ Lady- 
StilBpm, that defir'd you not to be out of the Way) for 
file expeded to cry out every Minute. 

Mtd, How ! tvery Minute !— Let me fee — \Ta^s out 
h£r PocUt'laok,^ Siilh^rti-^Ay^-'the reckons with het 
Qulbandfrom the firft of ^j^r/V ; and with Sir ^amist 

ifomi 



frote the firft of Marcjf, Ay, (bc'« silwayt a Mosth 

before hfit time. [Knocking «/ the Dfivr.} GO; fee who's 
f^ the ]>oor» n ■ ■ 
jti^/>^ Yes^ Ma4am. [i!>y/ Maid* 

D^iy. Well f certainly therQ is noft a Wooian in the 
World fo willing to oblige Vf ankiad as myielf ; anAreallji 
t have been (bi ever fince tb^ Age of Twdvei as I caa 
TcmimhpT. — ^I have delivered a^ many Wonsen of great 
Bellies^ and, helped as. many lo 'em. as any Peribo in^srg'- 
&«//; but my Watching %.qd Carcs have;brpkegi me ^ouc^ 
I ^n. not the iame Woman I w^ forty Years, ago. 

£nter Richmo/e«. 
Oh^ Mu RkJlfmrt^J yoq're a fad Man. a bj»r bairns Man^ 
fo }pu ^re I . What, wilt becpnae of poor C/e/iat Mr • 
iticb^orif Th^ {>OQr Crej^ture is b, big with her Misfor- 
tunes, that they are aot to be.b.QrAe. \}Veeps^ 

Rich. Yoo, Mrs. Migntgbt, are.thefitreftPcribn.in the 
World to cafe her.of 'em. 

iiffV. And. woD^ yon.viarry her* Hbr* Richmtrtf 
Riti, My Confcieinc^ wpnH allow it; for I havefwom 
:£oce to mprhy aqojhirr. 

4///. And willypp break your Vows to Cleliaf 
Rich. Why not,, when /he has broke hers to me ? 
Mid. Mow's that, Sirf 

Rich,. Why, ihe fwore a hjindred Times never to grant 
ane the Favour, and yet, you know^ fhe broke her Word. 

ifijd. 9u( fhe. lov'd Mj*. RicJbfnore, and th^t was the 
Rea^n,(he forgot her Oath. 

Jkich. And flove Mt.Ricbmn, and that is the Rcafon 
I.fprgOilt ^ine.— Why ihou'd Ihe be angry that I follow. 
Iier own Bxainplcj by doing the very fame Thing from 
ihe very fame Motive ? 

Mid.^ Well, well ! take my Word, you'll never thrive— 
I* wonder how you can have the Face to come near me, 
4that a9i the Wiincfs of your horrid Oaths and Impre>^ 
cations.! Ane not you afraid that the guilty Chamber 
above- fiairs ihovUd fall down upon your Head ?•— Yes, yes,. 
I was acceiTary , I was fo ! btft if ever you involve my. 
Honour in fiich a Villainy the fecond Time, — Ah, popr 
CleliaJ I lov'd her as 1 did my own Daughter— you fed u- 
cing Man. ■ [ Weeps. 

Bicb, Hey, hoi my jiurelitu 

Mid, 



i8 The Twin-Rivals. 

Mid* Hey, ho! ihe's very pretty. 

Rich, Doit thou know her, my dear Midnight ? 

Mid* Hey, ho ! (he's very pretty. — Ah, you*re a fad 
Man. — ?oor Clelia was handfome, bat indeed, breeding, 
puking, and longing, has broken her much.-— TTisa 
nard Cafe, Mr. Richmore, for a voung Lady^ to' fee a 
thoufand Things, and long for a thoufand Thinjgs, and, 
yet not dare to own that (he longs for one.— She had like 
to have mifcarried t'other Day for the Pith of a Loin o£ 
VeaL — Ah, you barbarous Man I 

Rich. But, my Aurelia / confirm me that you know 
her, and Fll adore thee. 

Mid, You wou'd fling five hundred Guineas at my 
Head, that you knew as much of her as 1 do ; Why» Sir* 
I brought her into the World ; I have had her ijprawling. 
in my Lap. Ah! fhe was plump as a Puffin, Sir. 

Rich. I think (he has no great Portion to value JieHUf 
upon ; her Reputation on^ will keep up the Market. 
We muft firil make that cheap, by crying it down^ and 
then (he'll part with it at an eafy rate. 

Mid. But won*t you provide for poor Clelia f 

Rich. Provide ! Why han't I taught her a Trade? Let 
her fet up when (he will, PlI engage her Cuftomers enoughi 
becaufe J can anfwer for the Goodnefs of her Ware. 

Mid. Nay, but you ought to fet her up with Credit^ 
and take a Shop ; that is, get her a Hufband.— -Have yet 
no pretty Gentleman your Relation now, that wants a 
young virtuous Lady with a handfome Fortune? Noyoong 
lemfiar that has fpent his Eftate in the Study of the \jk91% 
and (larves by the Practice ? No (pruce Officer that wants' 
a handfome Wife to make Court for him among theMaJQih 
Generals? Have you none of thefe. Sir? 

Rich. Pho, pho. Madam — you have tired me upon that 
Subjed. Do you think a Lady that gave me fb mack 
trouble before Po(reflion, (hall ever give me any after it? 
No, no, had (he been more oblieing to me when I was 
in her Power, I (hou'd be more civil to her now flie's in 
mine : My Affiduity before-hand was an over-price ; had 
(he made a Merit of the Matter, (he fhould have yielded 
fooner. 

Mid, Nay, nay, Sir; tho* you have no regard to her 
Honour, yet you (hall prote^ mine : How d°ye think I 

have 



The Twin- Rivals. 1 9 

ivc fccur*d my Reputation fo long among the People of 
e bcft Figure, but by keeping all Mouths ftopi ? Sir, 
1 liave no Clamours at me. — Heavens help me, I have 
amoars enough at my Door early atid late in my t'other 
ipacifiy : Jn ihort. Sir, a Hufband for CUUm ; or I 
miili you my Prefence for ever. 
Ri<b. Thou art a ncceflary Devil, and I can*c want 
ee. [ ^Jide. 

Mid, Look'e, Sir, 'tis your own Advantage ; 'tis only 
aking over your £ftate into the Hands of a Truilee ; 
id tiio' you don't abfolutely command the Premi^Ies, yet' 
>a may exad enough out of 'eja for Neceflaries, when 
>a will. 

Rieb. Patience a littles Madam!-: J have a young 

ephew that is a Captain of Horfe : He mortgag'd the 
ft Morfel of hisEftate to me, to make up his Equipage 
T tbe laA Campaign. Perhaps you know him ; he's a 
riik Fellow, much about Court, Captain Trueman, 

Mid. Trueman ! Adfmylife, he's one of my Babies ;^^ 
can tell you^the y^ry Minute he was born— precifely at 
^hrcc o'clock next St. G^erg^s Day, Trueman will be two 
nd twenty ; a Stripling, the prettieft good natur'd Child, 
nd your Nephew! He mud be the Man ; and (hall be 
le Man; I have a Kindnefs for him^ 

Rich, But we muft have a Care; the Fellow wants 
either Senfe nor Courage. 

Mid. Phu, phu, never fear her Part, fhc (han't want 
iRrudions; and then for her Lying-in a little abruptly, 
is my fiufinefs to reconcile Matters there, a Fright or a 
allezcufes that: Lard^ Sir, I do thefe Things every Day. 

Rich, *Tis pity then to pat you out of your Road ; and 
lelia (hall have a Hufband. 

Mid. Spo'^e like a Man of Honour. — And now Til 
rrvc you again. This Aurelia, you fay 

RtcfK^ 4he diftrafts me! her Beauty, Family, and 
Irtuife makelier a noble Pleafure 

Mid. And you have a Mind, for that reaibn, to get her 

Hu(baiid. 

Ricff. Yes, faith : I have another youne Relation at 
Mmbrtdgt^ he's ju<t going into Orders ; and I think fuch 

fine Woman, with Fifteen Hundred Pound, is a better 
refentation than any Living in my Gift ; and why fhou'd 

l^e 



ao Tie Twin-Rhdsi 

he like the Qure the wor ie, that an Incnmbcnr was thm 
before ? 

Mid* Thou art a pretry Fellow.— At the faiae Moment 
you wou'd perfuade me that you love- a Woman to Mad* 
nefs, you are contriving how to part with her ? 

Rich. If I Iov*d her not to Madnefs, I ihou?d not ntt 

into thejfe Ccntradidions Here, my dear Mother, 

Jurelias the Word — • lOjeri^g her Mvatj^ 

Mid, Pardon me. Sir; [^Refufittg the MottejrJ Did yoa 
ever know me mercenary ?- — No, no. Sir ; Virtue b io 
own Reward. 

Rieh. Nay, but Madam, I owe you foi the Teeth* , 
Powder you fcnt me. 

Midt O, that^s another Matter^ Sir; [Takes tbeMuitf] 
I hope you like it. Sir ? 

Rich. £xtremelys Madam. But it was fbmewhat deie 
of twenty Guineas. [JJiA. 

Enter Servant. 
Set. Madam, Irere is Mr. Witu^dhe\ Footman below 
with a Meflage from hisMafter* 

Mid. I come to him preiently : Do you know that 
Wou'dbe loves JnreliiC^ Coufm and Companion, Mn. 
Csnftancej with ihe great Fortune, and that I (bUdt 
for him ? 

Riih. Why, lhc*s engag'd to hb elder Bbrothcr : Defides, 
young Woudhe has no Money to profecute an Affair of 
iiich Confequence.— You can have no Hopes of Succcft 
there, Tm fure. 

MU. Truly, I have no great Hopes ; but an indcrftiioM 
Body, you know, wou'd do any thing rather tlian be 
idle : The /^onc is vtxy near her Time, and 1 have ac- 
cefs to the Family when I pleaie. 

Rifthm Now I think on't; Prithee, get the Letter from 
Wou^dbe that I gave him juil now ; it wou'd be proper 
to our Defigns upon 7ruemaw, that it (hou'd not be 
exposM. 
Mid. And you fliew'd CU^ia's Letter to PfWdhe ? 
Rich. Yes. 

Mid. Eh, you barbarous Man— Who the DeviLwoa'4 
oblige you — What Picafure can you take in expoiing the 
poor Creature ? Dear little Child, 'lis pi y, indeed it it. 

Kick* 



The Twin-Rivnls. ti 

Rrcb, Madam, the MelTenger waits below ; fo V\l 

take my Leave. [Sxit, 

Mia. Ah, you^re a fad Man. [£;r/V. 

Tire Emi of the Firfi ACT. 

A C T IL 
SCENE, The Park. 

Conilance an^ A^relia, 

Ar, "pRiihee, Coufin Conftance^ be chearful ; let the 

« X dead Lord deep in Peace, and look up to the 
(Living ; take Fen, Ink and Paper, and wrice inimediatcly 
lo your Lover, that he is now a £aron of England^ and 
you long to be a Baronefs. 

Con. Nay, Junelia^ there is fome regard due to the 
Memory of the Father, for the Refpe^ 1 bear the Son ; 
i^efides, I don't know how I could wifh my young Lord 
were at home in this Jundlure : This Brother or his— 

Some Mifchief will nappen 1 had a very ugly Dream 

Jkft Night ^In ihoit, I am eaten up with the Spleen, my 
Dear. 

Jur, Come, Come, walk about and divert it ; the 
Alt will do you good ; think of other People's AiFairs a 
little— When did you fee Clelia? 
. Con. I'm glad you mentioned her; don't you obferve 
ker Gaiety to be much more forc'd than formerly, her 
Humour don't fit To eafy upon her. 

Aur, No, nor her Stays neither, I cap aflure you. 

Con, Did you obferve how fhe devoured the l:*omeg'ra- 
nates yefterday ? 

Jur, She talks of vlfiting a Relation in Lekefterjhirt, 

Con, She fainted away in the Country-dance t'other 
Night. 

Jfur. Rkbmore (hunn'd her in the Walk laft Week. 
^Cen, And his Footman laugh'd. 

Vol. lU E ^«r. 



aS Tie Twin- Rivals. 

But, my Dear, I'm fo much afraid of my young LcrcTs 
coming home : he's a cunning clofe Man, they fay, and 
will examine my Accounts very narrowly. 

If^ffe. Ay, my Dear, would you had the younger Bro- 
ther to deal with ; you mijght manage him as you pleas'd 
*— 1 fee him coming. Let us weep, let us weep. 

[7i&/)> ful/ out their Handkerchiefs, andjeem to mourn, • 
Enter Young Wou'dbe, 

Stew. Ah, Sir, we have all loll a Father, a Friendi 
and a Supporter. 

Y. IV, Ay, Mr. Steward, we muft fubmit to Fat?, as 
he has done. And it is no fmall Addition to my Grief, 
honeft Mr. Clear-account , that it is not in my Power to 
fopply my Father's Place to you and yours— Your Sin- 
cerity and Juftice to the Dead mciits the grealcft Regard 
from thofe that furvive him— —Had I but my Brothcf^i 
Ability, or he my Inclinations, — —I'll alTure yoa, Mrs. 
Clear. a(counti you ihould not have fuch Caufe to moiini| 

fVife. Ah, good noble Sir ! 

Ste-w, Your Brother, Sir, I hear is a \try ievere 
Man. 

Y. W. He is what the World calls a prudent Man, 

' Mr. Steward: I have often heard him very Ievere «pon 

Men of your Bufinefs ; and has declared. That for Form*8 

take indeed he would keep a Steward, but that he JM^ould 

iniped into all his Accounts himfelf. 

Pf^tfe. Aye, Mr. Woudbe^ you have more Senfe than 
to do tliefe Things ; you have more Honour than to 
trouble your Head with your own Affairs— -—Would to 
Heavens we were to ferve you. 

Y. W. Wou d I cou'd ferve you, Madam,-— • without 
Injuftice to my Brother. 

'Enter a Servant. 

Ser, A Letter for my Lord Wou^dle. 

Sttnv. It comes too late, alas ! for his Pcrufal; let me 

fee it. (Open', and reads, 

Frankfort, 06lob. lo, N§w Stjie, 

Frankfort / Where's Frankfort, Sir ! 

Y. /^. in Gtrmany : This Letter mull be from my Bro- 
ther ! I fuppofe he's coming home. 

SieiAj, 'Tis none of his Hand. Let me fee. (Rends, 



The ikvtn-Rivah. 23 

Tm rcffolvM tgaioft a Man that difappears all the Summer 
like a Woodcock. 

[i6 tbefi 9Fords an fp^lten^ IVaeman inters behind tbem^ 

m» fmffing over the Stage. 
True, Taat's for mc, whoever fpoke it. Aurelia! 
{fnrprifeJ,J ^ [The Ladies tarn aSomt. 

Con, Whait Captain, you're afraid of every thing but 
the Enemy ! 

Tme, 1 have Reafooy. Ladies, to be mod appre hen five 
where there is moft Danger : The Enemy is fatisfied with 
a Leg or an Arm^ bat here Vm in hazard of loiing my 
Heart. 

Jar. None in the World, Sir, Nobody here defigns to 
attack it. 

True, But fuppofe it be aflanlted, and taken ^eady. 
Madam f 

Jmr. Then we*ll return it without Ranfom. 
True. But fuppofe, Madam, the Prifoner chufe to (lay 
where it is. 

jfur. That were to turn Deferter; and you know. 
Captain, what fach deferve. 

True. The Piinilhment it undergoes this Moment—— 

Shot to Death 

Con. Nay, then, *d$ Time for me to put in— — P'ay, 
5ir, have you heard the News of my Lord JVoudhc"* I/eath ? 
^rue People mind not the Death of others, Madam, 
that arc expiring thcmfelvcs. { lo Conrtance.) Do you 
confider. Madam, the Penalty of wounding a Man in the 
Park ? [To Aurcl. 

Jur. Hey day ! Why, Captain, d'ye intend to make a 
^Vigo Bufinefi of it, antl break the Boom at once ? Sir, if 
you only rally, pray let my L'oufin have her Share ; or if 
you wou'd be particular, pray be more refpeflful i n 
inuch upon the Declaration, I befeech you. Sir. 
True. I have been, fair Creature, a perfed C< 
my PafiioD ; I have had hard Strugglings with rov 
before I -^nrft engage, and now perhaps behave 
^e(jperatety. 

Jher* Sir, I am very forry you have faid 
I moft punifh you for't, tho' it be contrarji 
nation. — Come, Confin, will you walk ? 
Can. Servant, Sir. [J 

£ 2 



24- 3">&^ Twin-Rivals. 

True. Charming Creature ! Imufl punt fl? you fw'^t^ 

M it be contrary to my Inclination — Hope and Dcrfpair in 
a Breath, But I'll think the bell. [Exit. 

i) C E N E changes to Young Wou'dbeV Lodgings. 

Young Wou'dbe and Midnight meeting. 

y. W. Thou Life and Soul of fecret Dealings, welcome. 

Mid. My dear Child, blefs thee— Who would haveima- 

in'd that 1 bro ight this great Rogue into the World ? 

'e makes me an old Woman, I protcil But ad(b, my 



i 



Child, I forget; I'm forry for the Lo fa of vour Father, 
forry at my Heart, poor Man. [fVeeps,"] Mr. PTou^die, 
have you got a Drop of Brandy in your Clofet ; I an't 
very well to-day. 

Y. /^. That you (han't want : bat be pleas'd to fit, my 
dear Mother — Here, Jaci, the Brandy-bottle— Now, 
Madam— I have occafion to ufe you in dreiling up a hand-* 
fomc Cheat for me. 

Mid. I defy any Chamber-maid in England to do it 
better-— I have drcfs'd up a hundred and fifty Cheats in 
my 1 ime. [Enter Jack wif/j the Brandj'iottJe.] 

Here, Boy, this Glafs is too big, carry it away, I'll take 
a Sup out of the Bottle. 

y. /^. Righf, Madam And my Bufmeff being 

very urgent— In three Words, 'tis this — 

Mid. flold, Sir, till I lake Advice of my Council. 
[Drinks.] There is nothing more comfortable to a poor 
Creature, and fitter to revive wafting Spirits, than a lit- 
tle plain Brandy ; I an't for your hot Spirits, your Ro/s 
Soli.^f your Ratlfias^ your Orange-waters, and the like — 
A moderate Gla!'s of cool l^ants is the beft Thing. 

Y. W. But to our Bufinefs, Madam My Father is 

dead, and 1 have a mind to inherit his Eitate, 

Mid. You put the Cafe very well. 

Y. W. One of two Things I muft chufe— Either to be a 
Lord or a Beggar. 

Mid. Be a Lord to chufe— ^~Tho' I have known fome 
that have chofcn b'oth. 

Y. IV. I have a Brother that 1 love very well ; but fince 
one of us mud want, I had rather he fliould (larve than 1. 

Mid Upon my Confcicnce, dear Heart, you're in the 
right on't. 



Tie Twin- Rivals. 15 

Y. W. Now your Advice upon thcfc Heads. 

A//V/. They be Matters of W eight, and 1 muH coniidcr^ 
(Drinks.) h there a Will in the Cafe ? 

Y. XT, There is ; which excludes me from every Foof 
of the Eftate. 

Mid, That*8 bad Where's your Brother ? 

Y. IV. He's now in Germany^ in his way to EngUnd^ 
and is expelled very (bon. 

Mid How foon ? 

Y. If, In a Month, or lefs. 

Mid. O ho! A Month is a great while! '^ur Biifinefs 
muft be done in an Hour or two— We mull fuppofc your 
Brother to be dead; nay, he (hall be aviualy dead^-«nod 
my Lord, my humble Service t'ye— (Drinkt. 

Y. W, O Madam. Tm your Ladylhip'a moil devoted 
—Make your Words good, and ril— 

Mid. SiLy no more. Sir ; you fhall have it, you fliall 
have it. 

y. If, Ay, but how, dear Mrs. Midnight f 

Mid. Mrs. Midnight ! Is that all ?— VV hy not Mother, 
Aunt, Grandmother ? Sir, I have done more for you thij 
Moment, than all the Relations you have in the WorlJ. 

Y. W. Let me hear it. 

Mid. By the Strength of this potent Tnfpiration, I have 
made yon a ?ctr o( Eng/and, with fcven thoufand Poundt 
a Year.— My Lord, I wi(h you Joy. (Diinks." 

Y. IV. The Woman's maJ, I believe. 

Mid. Quick, quick, my Lord ! counterfeit a Letter ^ 
prefentlylrom Germany^ that your brother is kilPd in a 
Duel : Let it be dire£led to your Father, and fall into 
the Hands of the Steward when you are by.^ What fort 
•f Fellow is the Steward ? 

Y. IV. Why, a timorous half-honeft Man, that a little 
Perfuafion will make a whole Knave— He wants Courage 

to be thoroughly jull, or entirely a Villain but ^ood 

backing, will make him eitiier. 

Mid. And he fhan*t want th:.t f I tell you the Letter 
muft come into his Hands when you are by ; upon this 
you muft take immediate PoflcfTion, and fu you have the 
beft part'of the Law of your fide. 

Y.fF. But fuppofc my Brother comes in the mean T imc? 

Mid, This mud be done this very Moment : Let him 
E 3 comr 



26 Tbt Twm Rivals. 

come when you're in Pofleffion* I'll warrant we'll find a 
way to keep him ouc— « 

Y. fy. But howy my dear Contriver ? 

Mid, By your Fathes's Will^ Man, your Father's Will 
—-That is, one that your Father might have made, and 
which we will make for him— -ril fend yon a Nephew 
of my own, a Lawyer> that ihali do the fiufinefs ; £0» 
get into PofTelCon, PofTeflion^ 1 fay ; let us have but the 
EHate to back the Suit, and you'll find the Law t.o 
flrong for Juftlce, I warrant you. 

Y. ^. My Oracle f How fiiall we revel in Delight 
when this great Predi£lion is accomplKhedo-^^-^Bnt one 
ihing yet remains, my Brother's Miftrefs, the charming 
Conftance — Let her hie mine- 



Mid' Pho, phoy {he's vour's o'courfe ; ihe's contrafled 
to you ; for (he's engajg'a to marry no Man but my I,.orJ 
UWdbis Son and Heir; now yon being the Perfooa^he's 
recoverable by Law. 

Y. Af". Marry her t No. no, (he's contrafied to him» 
'twere In}uflice to rob a Brother of his Wife, an eafier 
Favour will fatiffy me. 

Mid, Why, truly, as you fay, that Favour is fo eafy, 
that I wonder they make fuch a Buftle about it — But get 
you gone and mind your Affairs, I mull about mine^— • 
Oh^X had foreot—^ Where's that foolvfli Letter yoa had 
this MorniDg: from Ricbmore P 

y. py I have polled it up in the Cbocolate-hcufe, 

Mid. Yaw, (Shrieks) I fhall fall into Fits; hold me— 

Y PV. No, no, I did but jeft ; here it is — But be af- 
fur*d, Madam, I wanted only Time to have exposed it. 

Mid, Ah ! you barbarous Man, why fo ? 

Y. 14^\ Becaufe when Knaves of our Sex, and Fools of 
yours meet, they make the bell Jell in the World. 

Mid. bir, the World Iws better (hare in the Jeft when 
we are the Knaves, and you the Fools — But louk'e. Sir, 
if ever ynu open your Mouth about this Trick— I'll dis- 
cover all your 1 ricks 1 therefore Silence and Safety on 
boih Sides. 

Y. ^V. Madam, you need not doubt my Silence at 
preftnt, becaufe my own Affairs uill employ me fuffi- 
ciciuly ; fo there's your Letter. \Qi:Vfi4 the Letter. 1 And 
liow to write my own,. 

Mid. 



ttnt. Adieu, My Lord-*Letme fee? [Optns the Let" 
ier sM4f r^aeis.'} If there be Solemnity in Proteftatiom^^-^ 
That's foolifh, very foolifh-T-Whylhou'd- (he expc^l So- 
Icmnicy ifi Prcteftations ? Um, um, urn, I may ftdl dete^d 
«r the Faith of my Kichmore-^Ah, poor CJciia /-— -Uni, 
urn, urn, / can no longer hide th§ Effe&s on^tfireim the WorU. 
——The Effeas on*t ! How moJcftly is that cxpTcfs'd ? 

Well, 'tis a pretty Letter, and I'll keep it. 

\Pnti the Letter in her Focket^ and Exit, 

SCENE, Urdy^o\x'iiU\Houfe. 
Enter Ste'ivard and hi$ Wife, 

Wife, You are lo blame, yod arc much to blame, Hiif- 
band, in being fo fcrupulous. 

Utnv. 'Tis irue : Tnis foolilh Gi nfcicnce of mine ha^ 
been the greated Bar to my Fortune. 
^ Wife, And will evtr be fo. Tell me- but one that 
drives, and Til (hew you a hundred thitflarve by it — 
Do you think 'tis fourfcore Pound a Year makes my I ord 
^onty% Steward's Wife live at ihc Rate of four huiidrcd ? 
Upon my Word, my Dear, I'm as good a Gentlewom.in 
as Ihe, and I expert to be maintain d according y : * I is 
Confdence, I warrant, that buys her the Pcint-hcjds, 

and Diamond Necklace ? Was it Confcicnce that 

bought her the^oe Houfe in Jermain-ftreet f is it Con- 
fcience that enables the Steward to buy, when the Lord' 
is forced to fell ? 

Sunu. But what wou'd you htve me do ? 

Wife. Do ! Now's your Time ; that fmall Morfel of 
an Eftate your Lord bought lately, a thing not worth 
mentioning ; take it towards your Daughter Molly i For* 
tion — What's two hundred a Year ? 'twil never be mifs'd. 

Strw, 'Tis but a fmall Matter, I mull confefs ; and as 
a Reward for my paft faithful Service, 1 think it but rea- 
fonable 1 (hould cneat a little now. 

Wife. Reafonablc! All the Reafon that can be; if the 
ungraceful World won't reward an honeft Man, why let 

an lionell Man reward himfe'f There's five hundred 

Etninds you received but two Days ago, lay them afide— 
you may eafily fink it in the Charge of the Funeral — — 
Do my Dear row, kifs me, ard do it. 

^//•w. Well, you- have fuch a winning way with ' 
E+. 



TBs TwiH-RJvals. 29 

JKfy LcrJf 
T Am troubled at ihis unhappy Occafiou &f finding t9 y^ur 

Lordjbip ; Jfiur bra<vt 5fl«, and my dear Fritmd, ivas 
Tifterday unfortunately kilTd in a Duil by a GernuQ 
Count 

I (ball love a German Coont as long as I live.— -My 
Lord, my Lord« now 1 may call you To, fiucc your el4er 
Brother's — dead* 

Y. fV. and ffife. How ! 

Ste-Tu. Read there. {Gives /be Lefter, Vlo^^dhc perujes it. 
■ Y. H^» Oh, my Fate ! a Fatner and a Brother in one 
Day ! Heavens! 'lis too much— —Where is the fatal 
Meflenger ? 

Ser, A Gentleman. Sir, who faid he came Poll on 
purpofe. He was afraid the Contents of tne Letter wou^d 
unqualify my Lod for Company, fo he would take an- 
other Time to wait on him. 

Y. fF, Nay, then *iis true; and there is Truth in 
Dreams. Laft Night 1 dreamt 

tf^ife^ Nay, my Lord, I dreamt too; I dreamt 1 faw 
your Brother drefs'd in a long Miniller*s Gown, (Lord 
blefs us I) with a Book in hib Hand, walking before a 
dead Body to the Gra\e. 

Y. IV, Well, Mr. Cear-accounty get Mourning reedy. 

SteiA), Will your Lordfhip have the old Coach covered, 
or a new one made ? 

Y. IV, A new one The old Coach, with the Grey 

Horfes, I give to Mrs, Clcar-accjutu here; 'tis not fit (he 
fhould walk the Streets. 

IVifi Heavens blefs the G^nvxaw. Count, I fay, — Eut 
my Lord — 

Y. IV, No Reply, Madam, you fhall have it, — And 
receive it but as the Earnell of my Favours — Mr. Clear^ 
accounts I double your Salary, and all the Servants Wages, , 

t^ moderate their Grief for our great Lofles Fray,. Sir, 

take order a bout thefe AlFairs. 

SteiAj, 1 (hall, my Lord. \^Ex€unt Stew, and Wife. 

Y. ^. So! 1 have got Pofleffion of the Caftle. and if 
I had a little Law to fortify me now, I believe we might 
hold it out a great while. Oh ! here comes my Attorney. 
—Mr. Subtleman, yourlservant.— 

E 5 Enur 



3^0 The TxpifhRhali.. 

Enter Subtleman. 

Sub. My Lord, 1 wifli you Joy.; my AYint- A/iV/i^.' 
bas fent me to receive your Commands. 

Y. W. Has fhe told you- any thing>of the Affair ? 

Sub* Not a Word,, my Lord. 

Y. ^. Why then come nearer.^*— Can yo«u make a 

Man right Heir to an Efhte during the Life of an Eldct 
Brother ? 

Sub, I thought you bad been the-ddeft. 

Y. IV, That we are not yetagrccdupon ;.fi)r you mod: 
know, there is an impertinent Fellow that takes a^fancy. 
to difpute the Seniority with me— —For look'e. Sir, ay 
Mother has unluckily fowM Difcord in the Family, by 
bringing forth Twins : My Brother, *tis trut, was Firft- 
born ; but I believe, Jrom the bottom of my Heart, I was 
the firil begotten. 

Sub, I underitand— *— «you are come to an Eftateand 
Dignity, that by J u (lice, indeed is your own, bttti>y Law 
it falls to your Brother. 

Y. JV, I had rather, Mr. SMbtleman^ if were his by- 
Juftice, and mine by Law : . for I woa'd have, the firongCR. 
Title, Tf poflible. 

Sub, 1 am very ferry th^e (hould happen any Breach* 
between Brethren :t — So I think it wou*d be buta Chrif- 
tian and Charitable A£l to take away all farther Difpates, 
by makiBg yon true Heir to the Bftate by the laft Will o£ 
your Father.-^Lool^'e I'll divide Stakes — you flull yields 
the Eiderfhip and Honour to him> and he (hall quit hii 
Eftate toyou 



Y. W, Why, as you fay, I don't much care if I do 

frant him the Eldeft, -half an Hour is but a Tqfle : fiuts 
owfhall we do about his Will?' Who (hall we getta 



prove it ?• 

Sub. Never trouble yourfelf for that: I exjpefl a Car- 
goe of WitneiSMand Urquebaugh by the firft fair Wind. 

Y. Pr. But we can't flay for tnem ;,it mud be done iiQ^ 
mediately. 

Sub* Well, well ; we'll find fome body> I warrant jon^. 
to make Oath of his laft Words. 

y^«r. That's impoffible; for my Father died of- an 
Apoplexy, and did not fpeak at alL 

Sui* 



^ TSt Twln-Kivali. ji* 

Suh. That'a nothing, Sir : He*s not the firll dead Man 
that I have made to fpeak. 

Y. fV. You're a great Matter of Speech, I don*t ^nef- 
tion. Sir; and I can afTureyou there will be ten Guineas 
for every Word you extort from him in my Favour. 

Sub. O, Sir, that's enough to make your Great Grand* 
father fpealc. 

Y. M^. Come then, I'll carry you to my Steward ; he 
Ihall give you the Names ot the Manors, and the true 
Titles and Denominations of the Eftate, and then you 
ikall go to Work. lExeunt. 

SCENE ebanits to the Pork. 
Richmore und Trueman meetifrf. 

Riib, O brave Cuz ! you're \tty happy with the Fair, 
rftfid. Pray, which of thefe two Ladies you encountered 
juft now has your Adoration ? 

TrM. She that commands by forbidding it: And (ince 
L'had Courage to dechre to herfelf, 1 dare now own it to 
the World,, ^ureHa^ Sir, js mjr AngcK 

Rich. Ha \\^A long Fau/e,] Sir, 1 find you're of every 
Body's Religion ; but methinks you make a bold Flight 
at firft : Do you think your Captain's Pay will ftake againft 
fo high a Garaeflerf 

True, Whatdo you mean ? 

i?/Vir. Mean! Blefs me. Sir, mean !— You're a Man of 
mighty Honour, we all know But I'll tell you a Se- 
cret.— *^— The Thing is public already. 

True. I fliou'd be proud that all Mankind were ac* 
quainted with it 4 I (hould defpife the Paffioa that could 
make me either afbamed, or afraid to own it. 

Rtcb, Ha, ha, ha I Prithee, dearCaptaia, no more of 
thefe Rhcdomontados ; you may as foon put a Standing* 
army upon us. — I'll tell you another Secret— Five hun- 
drea Pound is the lead P^nny. 

True Nay, to my Knowledge, Ihe has fifteen hundreds 

Rich. Nay, to my Knowledge, (he took five. 

True. Took five 1 How ! Where ? 

Kich. In her Lap, in her Lap, Captain ; where ihou'd 
it be? 

True. I'm amaz'd ! 

J^tch. So am I, that ihe coa'dbcfo unrcafonable — - 

Fifteen 



^2i The Twin-Rivah. 

Fifteen hundred Pound ! 'Sdeath I had fte that Price 
from you ? 

True, 'Sdeath, I meant her Portion. 

Rich. Why, what have you to do with her Portion ?• 

7nu. I lov'd her up to Marriage,, by this Light. 

Ric/f. Marriage ! Ha, ha,, ha; I love the Gipfy for 
her Cunning — A young, eafy, amorous, credulous Fel- 
low of two and twenty, was juft the Game (lie wanted;; 
I find (heprefently ilngled you our from the Herd. 

Trui, You cillrafl me ! 

RicL A Soldier too, that mud follow the War& ahroadi 
and leave her to Engagements at home. 

True, Death and Furies ! I'll be reveng'd; 

Rich. Why ?. What can you.do ? You'll, challenge her,, 
will you ^ 

True, Her Reputation was^ fpotlefs when I went oven 

Rich, So was the Reputation of Marefchal Bouffiers ; bot 
d'ye think, that, while you were beating the French^ 
abroad, that we were idle at home ? — No,, no, we ha?e 
had our Sieges, our Capitulations, and Surrenders, asd^ 
all that. ■ We have cut ourfelvcs out good Winter- 

Quarters, as- well as you. 

Truei And are you billietted there ? 

Rich, Look'e, Trueman^ you ought, to be very trufty 

to a Secret, that has fav'd you from Deftrudiion.- lo 

plain terms^, I have buried Five hundred Pounds ip that 
fiitle Spot^ and Ifhould think it ytx-^ hard, if you took, 
it over my Headi 

True^ Not by a Leafe for Life, I can alTure you : fiati 
rihall 

Rich, What ! you Ra'n't £tye hundred Pounds to give.. 
Look'e,. fince you can make no Sport, fpoil none. -In a. 
Year or two (he dwindles to a perfeft Baffet.bank ; every 
body may play at it that pleafes, and then, you may pott 
in for a Piece or twoa 

True, Dear Sir, I cou'd worfhip you for thisv 

Rich. Not for. this,. Nephew ! for I did not intend itj 
but I came to feek you upon another Affair.— Were- not 
you at Court laft Night ? 

True, I was. 

Rich. Did you not talk to CUlia^ my Lady Tafti^t^ 
Niece \ 

Trut. 



^be Twin-Rivali. gj. 

True. A fine Woman f 

Hicb, Well; I met her upon the Stairs; and hand* 
ing her to her Coach, (he afked me, if yoa were not my 
Nephew ?- And (aid two or three warm things, that per- 
fuade me (he likes you : Her Relations have Interell at 
Coarty and (he has Money in her Pocket, 

True, But— this Devil Aurelia ftill ftlcks with me. 

Rich, What then I The Way to love in one Place with 
with Succefs, is to marry in another with Convenience. 
Cle/ia ha» Four thoufard Pound ; this applied to your 
reigning Ambition, whether Love or Advancement, will 
go a creat way : And for her Virtue, and Condud, be 
-aiTur^d that. nobody, can give a better Account of it than 
myfelf. 

Trtte* I am willing tp believe from this late Accident, 
tbat you confult my Honour and Interefl in what you 
propofe; and therefore I am fatisfied to be governed. 

Rich, I fee the very Lady in the Walk. — We'll about it; 

True, •! wait.on you. [^Exeunt. 

SCENE changes tlTLord Wou'dbe's Houfe. 
2^. Wou'dbe, Subtleman, and Steward. 

Y. W. Well,. Mr. Suhtleman, you are fure the Will is 
firm and good in Law. 

Sui, 1 warrant you, my Lord : And for the laft Words 
to prove it, here they are. — Look'e Mr. Ctear'account-^ 
Yes— that is an Anfwer to the Queftion that was put to 
him, (you know) by thofe about him when he was a 
dy'ng — Yes, or No, he muft have faid ; fo we have 
choien Yes- ■ ? >/, / bavf made my JVill^ as // may he 
found in ibe Cujlody of Mr, Clear-account my Ste'wardi 
and 1 defer e it may ft and as my Laft Will and Teftament.-^^ 
I>id you ever hear a dying Man's Words n\ore to the 
Purpofe ? An Apoplexy ! I tell you,, my Lord had Inte)r- 
valsto thelaff,. 

Stew. Ay, but how fliall thefe Words, be proy'd ? 

Suh My Lord fhall fpeak 'em now. 

Y.jy, Shall he, faith! 

Sub, Ay, now if the Corps ben't bury'd— Look'e, 

Sir, the{e Words muH be put into his Mouth, and drawn 
out again before us all : And if they won't be his laft 
W>Qrd5 then— —I'll be perjur'd.. 



34^ Tbe Twin-Rivals.. 

Y. W. What ! violate the Dead I it mnft not be Mr. 
SuhtlenuM. 

Sub. With all my Heart, Sir ! But I think yon bad 
better violate the Dead of a Tooth or fo, than violate. 
the Living of feven Thouiand Pound a Year. 

Y. fV. But is there no other way ? 

Sub. No, Sir: Why, d'ye think Mr. C/iar'Secommt bere 
will hazard Soul and Bodv to fwear they are his laft 
Words, unlefs they be made his laft Words ? For my 
Part, Sir, 1*11 fwear to nothing but what.I fee with ray. 
Eyes come out of a Man's Mouth. 

Y. fF, But it looks fo unnatural. 

Sub. What 1 to open a Man*s Mouth, atid pat in • bit 
of Paper !•— this Is all. . 

Y. ^. But the Body is cold, and his Teeth cnn*t b« 
got afunder. 

Sub. But what Oecafion has your Father for Teeth 

now ? I tell you what; 1 knew a Gentleman, three 

Days buried, taken out of his Grave, and his dead Hand 
fet to his Lafl Will, (unlefs fomebody made bim fien 
another afterwards) and 1 know the Eflate to be held by 
that Tenure to this Day : And a firm Tenure it is ; for 
a dead Hand holds fafteft; and let. me tell yon, dead 
Teeth will faften as hard. 

Y. IT. Well, well, nfe your Pleafure, you underftand 
the Law bed.- — [Exit. Subtleman anJ Steward ]» 

What a mighty Confuiion ih brought in Families by fud- 
den Death ? Men fhould do well to fettle their Affairs 
in Time — Had my Father done this before he was takeo. 
ill, what a trouble had he fav*d us ? But. he was taken' 
fuddenly, poor Man ! 

Re-enter Subtleman. 

Sub. Your Father ftill bears you tht old Grudge, I' 
find ! it was with much (Iruggling he confented ; I nertr- 
knew a Man fo loth to fpeak in my Life. 

Y. fF. He was always a Man of few Words. 

Sub. Now I may fafely bear Witnefs mvfelf, as the 
Scrivener there prefent- v ■■ i love to do Things with •< 
dear Confcience. ISiib/cribit., 

Y. W But the Law requires three Witnefles. 

Suh, Q I 1 (hall pick a Couple more, that perhaps mwf 



tifrmy Word for't :*-— »Biu is sot Mr. CUMr^^c^uia in. 
your lotereft ? 

y. IT. I hope To* 

SuL Then he fliall be one; a Witoefs in die Pamily 
goes a great ivav^l Be&des^ thefe foreign £?ideocci are 
Hen confoundedlx fmce the Wars. Ihope» if mine efcape 
the Privateers, to make an hundred PaaDd an Ear of 
Kvexy Head of 'em — But the Steward is an-honaft Man, 
and ihall iave you the Charges. \Exit4 

Y. W. So/us.], The Pride of Birth, the IFeats of Ap- 
netite* and Fear of Want, are (Irong Temptations (o In- 
jufficc.— -But why InjuBice ?^The World hath broke all 
Civilities with me, and left me in the cldeft State of Na- 
ture, Wild, where Force, or Cunning firft created Right;. 

1 cannot fay I ever knew a Father : 'Tis true, I was 

begotten in his Life- time, but I was pofthumous bom,. 
and liv'd not till he died — My Hours, indeed, I numbered, , 
fetut ne'er enjoy 'd 'em, 'liH this Moment. — My Brother! 
what is Brother ? We are all fo ; and the firft two were 
Eaemies.— > — He ftands before me in the Road of Life to • 
rob me of my Peafures. — My Senfes, form'd by Nature . 

for Delight, are all alarm'd. My Sight, my Hearing, 

Tafle and Touch, call loudly on me h)r their Objedb,.. 
and they ihall be fatisfied. Exi^» 

7 he End of the fecond ACT. 



ACT III. 
SCENE, a Levee. 

Xumg Wott'dbe drejjing^ and /e<veral Gentlemen mobi/fef' 
ing^ him hy, turns* 

Y. ^.QUrel^ thfe greateft Ornament of Quality is a; 
^ clean and a numerous Levee ; fuch a Croud of 
Attendants for the cheap Reward of Words and Promifes, 
diflingniihes the. Nobility from, thofe that pay Wiiges to 
their Servants. [A Gentleman nvhi/pers. 

Sr, I fhall {peak to the Commiffioners, and nfe all my 
Imereftt I caaaifare you, Sir« [An9ther whi/pers., 

Sir.. 



36 The Twin-Rivats. 

Sir, I (hall meet ibme of your Board this Evening ; let mr 
fee you to-morrow. [/4 Third fwhi/pers^ 

Sir, ril confider of it. That Fellow's Breath (links of 

Tobacco. \^^Jide,\ O, Mr. Comick, your Servant. 

Com. My Lord, I wi(h you Joy; I have fomeihingto 
Ihew your Lord(hip. 

y. W. What is it, pray, Sir? 

Com, I have an Elejgy u,pon the dead Lord, and a Pa- 
negyric upon the living one; In utrumque paratus^ tSkj 
Lord. 

Y. W. Ha, ha, very pretty, Mr. Cc«/r^.— But, prayi 
Mr. Coftiick^ why don't you write Plays ? it wou'd give 
one an Opportunity of fervin^ you. ' 

Com, My Lord, I have writ one. 

Y. W. Was iteveraacd? 
, Com, No, My Lord; but it has been a rehear(ing 
thefe three Years and a half. 

Y. PF, A long Time. There muft be a great deal of 
Bufinefs in it furely. 

Com, No, my Lo'd, none at all — T have another Play 
juft finifh'd, but that I want a Plot for't,^ 

Y. IF, A Plot ! you (hould read the liaJian and S^pawp 
Plays, Mr. Comtek. — 1 like your Verfes here mightily— 
Here, Mr. Clear-account. 

Com, Now for five Guineas at leaft. [ 4fide. 

Y. IV. Here, give Mr. Comtek^ give him give him 

the Spattfjh Play that lies in the Clofet Window.——— 
Captain, can 1 do you any Service ? 

Cap. Pray, my Lord, ufe your Intereft with the Gencr 
ral for that vacant CommifTion : I hope, my Lord, the 
Blood I have alrealy loH, may intitle me to (pill the Re- 
mainder in my Country's Cauf^. 

Y. W, All the reafon in the World— Captain,, yoo may 
depend upon me for all the Service I can. 

Gen, I hope your Lord (hip won't forget to (peak to the 
General about that vacant Commiffion : altW I have 
never made a Campaign ; yet, my Lord, my Intereft in 
the Country can raife me Men, which, I think, (hould 
prefer me to that Gentleman, ^hofe bloody Dii^ofition 
frightens the poor People from lifting. 

Y. IV, All the reafon in the World, Sir ; you may de- 
pend upon me for all the Service in my Power.— Captain, 

L'U. 



The TwinRivalf. 37 

1*11 do your Bufinefs foryoa — Sir, I'll fpeale to the Gene- 
ral, I (hall fee him at the Houfe^ [To the GentUmett, 
Enter a Citizen. 

Oh, Mr. jfUfrman^-^^^yoJOiT Servant Gcntlenu-n all, 

I beg YOur pardon. [ ftxeunt Levee. 

Mr. /iliiirmanf have you any Service- to conim'ind roc ? 

J/d. Your Lordlhip's humble Servant. 1 have a Fa- 
vour to beg : You muft know, I have a gracelefs Son, a 
Fellow that drinks and fwears eternally, keeps a Whore 
in every corner of the Town ; in Ihort. he*s fit for no 
kind of thing but a Soldier — I'm fo tirM of him, that I 
intend to throw him into the Army, let the Fellow be 
ruin'd, if he will. 

Y. IF. I commend your paternal Care, Sir ? — can I do 
yott any Service in this A flair i 

Ad, Yes, my Lord : There is a vacant Company in 
Cofonel What d'yecah'm^s Regiment, and if your Lord- 
ihip would but fpeak to the General 

y . IV. Has your Son ever fcrv'd ? 

Aid. ServM ! yes, my Lord, he's an Enlign in the 
Train-bands now. 

Y. W. Has he ever fignaliz'd his Courage ? 

Aid. Often, often, my Lord ; but one Day particular, 
you muft know, his Captain was fo bufy fhippine ofFa» 
Cargo of Cheefe, that he left my Son to command in his 
Place — ^Would you believe it, my Lord, he charg'd up 
Cbeapfide in the Front of the Buff Coats, with fuch Bravery 
and Courage, that I could not forbear wilhing in the 
Lo)^lty ofmy Heart, for ten thoufand fuch Officers upon 
the Rhine, — Ah ! my Lord, we muft employ fuch Fel- 
lows as he, or we (hall never humble the French King- 
Now, my Lord, if you cou'd find a convenient Time to • 
h*nt thcfe Things to the General 

Y. fF. All the reafon in the World, Mr. Alderman. I'll 
do you all the Service I can 

Afd, You may tell hitn, he's a Man of Courage, fit 
for the Service; and then he loves Hardftiip — He flecps 
every other Night in the Round-hou/e, 

Y. fV, 1*11 do you all the Service I can. 

Aid, Then, my Lord, he falutes with his Pike (6 very 
handfomely, it went to his Miftrefs's Heart t'other Day 
«-and he beats a Drum like an Angel. 

X.W. 



3^ Itik TwifhjRJmls. 

y. IT. I'll do you all the Service I can- 



[Nat takinjf the leaft Notice of the Alderman «// /^^ 
nubile f put drejjing him/elf in the Gla/s, 
AIL But^ my Lord, the harry of yonr Lordfbip'^ 
AfFairs may put my Suianefs out of your Head ; thereforf/ 
my Lordy Til prefume to leave you fome Memoraudum^ 



Y. iV. I'll do you all the Service 1 can- 

[Not mivdtng hint* 
AU* Pray, my Lord, [Pulling him^ by the Sle(n)e!\ ^it 
me leave for a Memorandum / my Glove, I fuppofe, will 
do : Here, my Lord, pray remember me.— — 

[Lays his Glove upon the Tahle, and Exit* 
Y. PT\ ril do you all the Service I can— What, iifci 
gone ? *Tis the moft jrudc familiar Fellow — Fauch, what 
a greafy Gauntlet is here — [A Pur/e drofs ouT c/theGf9ve.[ 
Oh I No, the Glove is a clean well-made Glove, anc 
the Owner of it the moft refpedful Perfon I have fttt 
this Morning, he knows what Diilance [Chinking th 
Pur/e] is due to a Man of Quality, — but what muft 1 d< 
■for this ? Fri/ure [TcMs Valet y} ^o you remember whi 
the Aldermen faid to me ? 

Prif. No, my Lord, I thought your Lord (hip had. 
Y. iF, This Blockhead thinks a Man of Qpality ca 
mind what People >2ijr— when they do fomething, *i 
another cafe. Here, call him back. [Exiu Frilare. 
he tilk'd fomething of the General, and his Son» an 
Trida*bands, 1 know not what Stuff. 

Re-enter Aid. and Frifure. 
Oh, Mr. Alderman, I have put your Meaiorandtm in n 
Pocket. 

Aldi O, my Lord, you do me too much Honour. 
Y../^, But, Mr- Alderman, the Buiinefs you we 
talking of, it fhall be done ; but if yon gave a (nort No 
of it to my Secretary, it would not be amifs — but, M 
Alderman, hadn't you the Fellow to this Glove, it i 
me mighty well, [Putting on the Glo*vt.'\ it looks fo lil 
a Challenge to give a Man an odd Glove— and I woo 
have nothing that looks like Enmity between you and 
Mr. AldermaUk 

Aid. Truly my Lord, I intended the other Glove 1 
a Memorandum to the Colonel, but fmce your Lordih 
has a Mind to't [Gives the GIo^ 

Y.i 



Tie Tufifu Rivals. 39 

^« W, Here, Fri/mrf, hud this Gentleman to my Se* 

UCU7^ and bid him take a Noieof hi^ Budnefs. 
^^d But, my Lord» 4^«'/ do me all the Stgrvice yoa 

can DOW. 
Y. IF. ^ Well, I woM^t do you all the Service I can— — 

tk6 Citizens have a Grange Capacity of foliciting fome-* 

times. lEjeit. Aid. 

£«//r Steward. 
S/tm;. My Lord, here are your Taylor, your Vintner, 
year Book feller, and half a dozen more with their Bills 
It the Door, and they defire their Money. 

Y.fF, TclPem, Mr. Clear accounts that when I was 
a private Gentleman, I had nothing eife to do but to 
van in Debt, and now that I have got into a higher 

Rank, Tm fo very bufy I can't piv it as for th<>t 

dampnrous Rogue of a Taylor, (peak him fair, till he 

has made up my Liveries ^thea about a Year and a 

Half hence I Hull be at leifure to pat him off for a Year 
and a Half longer. 

Ste<w. My Lord, there's a Gentleman below calls him- 
felf Mr. Baffei^ he fays ihat your Lordihip owes him 
fifty Guineas that be won of yon at Cards. 

Y. IV, Look'e, Sir the Gentleman's Money is a 

Debt of Honour, and muft be paid immedtately. 

&#u*. Your Father thought otherwife, my Lord, he al- 
ways took care to have the poor Tradefmen fatisfied, 
whofe only Subfiftence lay in the ufe of their Money, and. 
was ufed to fay, That nothing was honourable but what 
was hon«ft. 

Y. IV. My Father might fay what be pleas'd, he was a 
Nob'eoiaA of very finguUr Humours — but in my Notion, 
there are not two things in Nature more different than Ho- 
nour and Honelly — now yourHooedy is a little Mechanic 
Quail' y, well enough among Citizxi.s, People that do no- 
thing but pitiful mean Adions according to Law but. 

your Honour flies a much higher Pitchy and will do any 
thing that's free and fpontaneous» but fcorns.to level itr 
bXi to what is on'y jud. 

Stiijo. But 1 think it is a little hard to have thefe poor 
people ftaive for want of their Money, and yet pay this 
iharping Rafcal fifty Guineas. 

Y. W. Sharping Rafcal! What a Barhariftn that is? 

Why 



40 The Twin^Rivals. 

Why he wears as good Wigs, as fine Linen, and 
as good Company as any at fVhiteh ; and betweei 
and I, Sir, this fharping Rafcai, as you are plcai 
call him, fhall make more Intereil among the N( 
with his Cards and Counters, than a Soldier fhall 
hb Sword and Piftol. Pray let him have fifty G 
immediately. 

SCENE the Street ; Eider Wou'dbe <writiftg in a 1 
Book, in a Riding- Habit. 
E. W. Monday />&<' xi^th of December, 1772, 
ri*ved/afe in London, and/a concluding my Tra^veh^ 

[^Putting up his 
Now welcome Country, Father, Friends, 
My Brother too, (if Brothers can be Friends :) 
But above all, mv charming Fair, my Confianct. 
Through all the Mazes of my wand'ring Steps, 
Through all the various Climes that I have run ; 
Her Love has been the Loadilone of my Courfe» 
Her Eyes the Stars that pointed me the NVay. 
Had net her Charmk my Heart entire poiTe/s'd, 
Who knows what Circe* h artful Voice and Look 
Might have enfnar'd my travelling Youth, 
And fixt me to Enchantment ? 

Enttr Tcaguc with a Port-Manteau, He throws it 
and Jits on ii. 

Here com^s my Fdilow Traveller, What makes ) 
upon the Port-Man teau, Teague! you'll rumple the T 

Ti. Be me Sboule, Maiihter, I did carry the 
Mantel till it tir'd me ; and now the Port-Mante 
carry me till I tire him. 

E /f^. And how dy*e like London ^ Toague, zfu 
Travels ? 

TV. Fct, dear Joy, 'tis the braved P'aafe I have 
in my Peregrinations, exihepting my own brave Sh 
Carick ytrgus^^-^Vfy uf, dere iih a very fVaerant S 
hereab($uts — Mai(hter, (hall 1 run tothatPaimtery-< 
for fliix Pennyworths of boiPd Eeeff 

E. fr. 7 ho' this Fellow travell'd the World ove 
would never lofe his Brogue nor his Stomach.— Wh] 
Cormorant ! (a hungry and (6 early I 



7 



The Twin- Rivals. 41 

^^^ kJ 7/. Early ! Deel tauke me Maifliter, 'tifli a great deal 
^1 fiorethan almofi pafht Twelve o'clock. 
^^f:# £.^. Thou art never happ/ unlefs thy Guts be ftuft 
joisjp^to thy Eyes. 

ft. Cm Maifliter, dere ifli a dam way of Dillance, 
led (Be deel a bit betweea. 

iMtiT'TcMng WouMbe in « Cb/iir^ luitb four or Jive Foot* 
men before />//», and pnjfes over tbe St' ge, 

E.fT. Heyday? — who comes here ? With one, two, 
ikte, foor, five Footmen ! Some young Fellow jult 
rafting the fweet Vanity of Fortune.— Run, Teagu\ in- 
quire »ho tbatis. 

fV. Yes, Maifh'er. [Runs to dm of tbe Footmen,^ Sir, 
willyoa give my humble Shervice to your Maiftiter, and 
tdl him to fend me Word fat Naam iQi upon him ? 

foot. You wou'd know fat Naam ifli upon him ? 

Te. Yelh, fet wou'd f. 

Foot. Why, what are you, Sir? 

7>. Be me Shoul, I am a Shentleman bred and born, 
and dere ifh my Maiihter. 

Ft>ot. Then your Mailer would know it ? 

7>. Arab, you Fool, iPnt that not the faam ting ? 

Foot. Then telhourMaftei *tis the young Lord //'6«Vi% 
^ jofl come to his E^ate by (he Death of his Father and 
elder Brother. [Exit Footman. 

E. W. What do I hear ? 

Te, You hear that you are dead, Maifliter ; fere vil you 
pleafe to be buried ? 

E. ^. But art thou fure it was my Brother ? 

7>, Be me Shoul it was him nown kU *^ I know'd him 
very well, after his Man told me. 

E. IV, The Bufinefs requires that I be convinc'd with 
ay own Eyes ; Til follow him, and know the Bottom 
on't Stay here till I return. 

Te, Dear Maifliter, have a care upon your flielf : Now 
th^ know you are dead, by my flioul they may kill you. 

E. W, Don't fear; none of his Servants know me, 
and ril take care to keep my Face from his Sight. It 
concerns me to conceal myfelf, till I know the Engines 
of this Contrivance. — Be fure you flay till I come to you ; 
and let nobody know whom you belong to. [ Exit, 

2 Te. 



i 



44 518^^ Tivin- Rivals. 

Te, Oh, ho, hon, poor Teagut is left alone. 

[6"/// on the Pori-Manii 
Enter Subtlcman and Steward. 
Sub. And you won*t fweiar to the Will. 

Strw^ My Confcience tells me I dare not <lo it \ 
Safety. 

Suit But if we make it lawful, what fhould we ft 
We now think nothing againd Confcience, 'till the C 
be thrown put of Court. 

Stenv, In you, Sir, 'tis no Sin, becaufe 'tis the P 
ciple of your Profeflion : But in me. Sir, 'tis downr 
Perjury indeed. — You can't want Witnefles enough, i 
Money won't be wanting — and you muft lofe no Ti 
for T heard juit now, that the true Lord Woi^dbe was 
in Town, or his Ghoft. 

Sub, It was his Gho(^, to be fure^ for a Noble 
without an Eftate is but the Shadow of a Lord— >^ 
take no Care : Leave me to myfelf ; I'm near the Fr 
and ten to one thall pick up an Evidence. 

Stenu, Speed you well. Sir. [i 

Sub, There's a Fellow that has Hunger and the ' 
lows pi£lurM in his Face, and looks like one for my 

pofe. How now, honeil Friend, what have yo« 

iinder you there ? 

^e. Noting, dear Joy. 

Suh, Nothing! Is it not a Fort^Manteau ? 

ir^. 1 hat is noting to you. 

Sub. The Fellow's a Wir. 

TV. Fat am II My Grandfather was an Irifij Pc 
He dii write a great Book of Verfes concerning the 
laetween St. Fotrick and the Wolf-Dogs. 

Sub. Then thou art poor, I'm afraid ? 

7>. Be me Shoul, my fole Generation ifli fo— I 
noting but thifh Port Manteau, and dat it Ihelf ifl 
my own. 

S^b. Why, who does it belong to ? 

TV. To my Maifhter, dear Joy. 

Sub, Then you have a M after ? 

^e. Fait I have, but he's dead. * 

Sub. Right ! — And how do you intend to livi ? 

TV. By eating, dear Jov, fen I can get it, and by f 
ing fen lean get noae^'Tiih the Fafluon of Irtlam 



ne Twin-Rivals. 43 

Siii> What was your Mailer's Name, pray ? 
Te. [JjUi.] I will tell a Lee now; bdt it (hnll be a 
ttvfiOoe.'^Mac/aJin, dear Joy, was his Num. He vent 
«rcr vith King Jam^fi into Frtfsrf^— He was my Maifliter 
<&ice>— Deere ilh de true Lee; noo. [JJuif. 

SiA. What Employment had he? 
Ti, Jtnt/^aypas, 

Sub, What, can you fpeak French ? 
Ti, Ouy^ Monfieur^ — I did travel France and Sfmn^ and 
JS^^jjp,— Dear Joy, I did kifli the Pope's Toe, and that 
will excufe me all the Sins of my Life ^ and fen I am 
4cd, St. Patrick will excufe the reft. 

Smb. A rare Fellow for my Purpofe. i^/uli.'] Thou 
look'ft like an honeft Fellow ; and if 3rou*ll go with me 
to the next Tavern, Vll give thee a Dinner and a Glafs 
of Wine. 

TV. Be me Shoul 'tis dat I wanted, dear Joy ; come 
along, I will follow you. 

\Run$ out before Subtleman *witb the Port-Manteau on hie 
Back, Exit Subtleman. 
Enttr EUer Wou'dbe. 
%.W. My Father dead? my Birthright loft! How 
have my drowfy Stars flept over my Fortune? Ha! 
\Lopking abeut"] My Servant gone ! The fimple, poor, 
ungrateful Wretch has Iclt me — I took him up from Po- 
veity and Want; and now he leaves me juft as I found 
liim. — My Cloaths and Money too ? — But why ftiould I 
repine? Let Man but view the Dangers he Jias paft, and 
few will fear what Hazards are to come. That Provi- 
dence that hasiecurM my Life from Robbers, Shipwreclcy 
and from Sicknefs, is ftiil the fame; ftill kind whilft I am 
juft«-~My Death, I find, is firmly believ'd ; but how it 

gained fo univerfal Credit, I fain would learn Who 

comes here ?— honeft Mr. Fairhank I My Father's Gold- 
fmith, a Man of Subftance and Integrity. The Altera- 
tion of five Years Abfence, with the Report of m)r Death, 
may ihade me from his Knowledge, till I enquire fome 
News. (Enter Fairbank.) Sir, your humble Servant. 
Fair. Sir, I don't know you. [Shunning him, 

E.fT. 1 intend vou no Harm, Sirs but feeing you 
come from my Lord Weu^dbeh Houfe, I would aik you a 
Queftion or two— *«-Pray what Piftemper did my Lord 
die of? F-a/>« 



44 ^^^ ^win-Rivals. 

Fair, I am told it was an Apoplexy, 

E W, And pray, Sir, what does the World fay? J^ 
Ins Death lamented I 

Fair, Lamented! My Eyes that Qucftion ihould r^- 

folve : Friend. Thou knew 'ft him not; elfe thy ov^it 

Heart had anfvver'd thee. 

E W. His Grief, methinks, chides my Defe6l of 
Filial Duty. (y^Jide.) But I hope, Sir^ his Lofs is part*! 
recompensed in the Merits of his Succeffor. 

Fair. It might have been; but his eldeft Son, Heir to 
his Virtue and his Honour, was lately and unfortunately 
killed in Gefmsnv. 

E. py. How unfortunately, Sir? 

F'air, Unfortunately for him, and us.-^I do remember 
him — He was the mildeft, humbleft, fweetcft Youth. 

E. W. Happy indeed had been my Part in Life, if I 
had left this human Stage, whilft this (6 fpotlefs, and fo 
fair Applaufe, had crown'd my going off. (AJide,) Well, 
Sir. 

Fair, But thofe that faw him in his Travels, told fuch 
Wonders of his Improvement, that the Report recalPd 
his Father's Years ; and with the Joy to hear his Hermi 
prais'd, he oft would break the Chains of Gout and Age ; 
and leaping up with Strength oi" greeneft Youth, cry, 
My Hermes is my/elf: Methinks I li^ve my fprigbiJy Dayt 
again y and J am young in him. 

E. W„ Spite of all Modefty, a Man muft own a Plea- 
fure in the hearing of his Praife. \^^Jiili» 

Fair. You're thoughtful, Sir — Had you any Relation 
to the Family we talk of? 

E. fV, None, Sir, beyond my private Concern in the 
public Lofs — But pray. Sir, what Charadler does the 
prefent I ord bear ? 

Fair, Your Pardon, Sir. As for the Dead, their Me- 
mories are left unregarded, and Tongues may touch them 
freely : But for the Living, they have provided for the 
Safety of their Names by a llrong Incloiure of ihe Law. 
1'here's a Thing calPd Scandalum Magnatum^ Sir. 

E. PP", I commend your Caution, Sir; but be aflcir'd 
I intend not to entrap you— I am a poor Gentleman, and 
having heard much of the Charity of the old Lord 
H'cu^dbe^ I had a Mind to apply to his Son, and there* 
fore enquired his Chaia£ter« Fwr. 



The Twin-Rivals. 4^ 

/■«>, Alas! Sir, Things arc chang'd : That Houfc 

«'«oncc what Poverty might go a Pilgrimage to fcek, 

and Bave its Pains rewarded-^l'he noble Lord, the truly 

noble Lord, held his Kilace, his Honoar, and his Houfe^ 

«aif they were only lent upon the Intcrell of doing good 

toothers. He kept a Porter, not to exclude, but fcrve 

the Poor. No Creditor was feen to guard his going out, 

or watch his coming in : No craving fiyes, but Looks of 

imfiine Gratitude. — But now, that Family, which, like 

a Garden fairly kept, invited every Stranger to its Fruit 

liid Shade, is now run o'er with Weeds: — Nothing but 

Wine and Revelling within, a Croud of iioily Creditors 

without, a Train of Servants infolently prc;.i— -Wou'd 

you believe it. Sir, as I ofFer'd to go in juil now, the rude 

Porter pufli'd me back with his StaiF— 1 am at tnis prefent 

(thanks to Providence and my Indullry) worth twenty 

thoufand Pounds. I pay the fifth Part of this to main- 

tain the Liberty of the Nation ; and yet this Slave, this 

impudent 5<ii;^ Slave, ofFer'd to flrikc mc. 

E. IV, 'Twas hard, Sir, very hard : — And if they ufcd 
a Man of your Subilance fo roughly, hew wiil they 
manage me, that am not worth a Groat? 

Fair. I wouM not willingly defraud your Hopes of 
what may happen.— —If you can drink ana /wear, 
perhaps 

E. /^. I ihall not pay that Price - for hi;, LorJfnip's 
Bounty, wou'd it extend to half ht*6 worth. — Sir, 1 give 
you thanks for your Caution, and fhali i^.ccr anotixr 
Courfe. 

Fair, Sir, you look like an honeft, modell Gentleman. 
Come home with me ; I am as able to give you a Dinner 
if my Lord; and you Hiall be very welcome to eat at my 
Table every Day, till you are better provided. 

E. iV. Good Man. [A/tdi.'] Sir, 1 muft beg you to cx- 
cufe me To-day ; but 1 fhall find a Time to accept of 
your Favours, or at leafl to thank you for 'em. 

Fmr. Sir, you fhall be very welcome whenever you 
pleafe. \Exit, 

E. fV, Gramercy, Citizen ! Surely, if Judice were an 
Herald, fhe would give this Tradefman a nobler Coat of 
Arms than my Brother.~But I delay : (Jong to vindicate 
the Honour of my Station, and to difplace this bold 
Vox.. 11. F Ufur^cr: 



46 2l&tf Twin- Rivals. 

Ufurper: — But one Concern, methinks, is nearer f^ll^ 
my Conftance! Should (he upon the Rumour of my Death 
have fix'd her Heart elfe where— then I were dead indeed j 
but if (he dill prove true, — Brother, (it faft : 

TUJhake your Strength^ all Obflades remo'Vi^ 

Sujlaind by Jvftice^ and hifpir^d by Love* [ExiU 

SCENE, an apartment, Conftance, Aurelia* 

Con, For Heav'n's fake, Cou(in, cea(e your imperti-. 
nent Confolations : It but makes me angry, and rai(es 
two Pa(rions in me inftead of one. You fee I commit no 
Extravagance, my Grief is filent enough ; my Tears 
make no Noife todillurb any body. I de(ire no Compa- 
nion in my Sorrows; leave me to myfelf, and you com- 
fort me. 

Jur, But, Coufin, have you no regard to your Repu- 
tation ? this immoderate Concern for a young Fellow. 
What will the World fay ? You lament him like a Huf- 
band.— — - 

Con. No ; you miftake : I have no Rule nor Method 
for my Gri. f ; no Pomp of black and darkened Rooms } 
no formal Month for Vifits on my Red. I am content 
with 'the (light Mourning of a broken Heart ; and all 
my Form is Tears. 

Enter Midnight. 

J^UJ, Madam Aurclia, Madam, don't difturb her.~ 
Every thing mull have its vent. 'Tis a hard Cafe to be 
crofi'd in one's firrt Love. — But you (hould confider, Ma- 
dam, (To Conftance.) that we are all born to die, feme 
young, foHfie old. 

Con. Better we all died young, than to be plagu'd 
with Age, as I am. I (ind other Folks Years are as 
trcublefome to us as our own. 

Mid, You have Rcafon, you have Caufe to mourn. 
He was the handfomeft Man, and the fweeteft Babe, 
that 1 know ; the' I mull confefs too, that Ben had much 
the finer Completion when he was born : But then Herme:^ 

yes Hermes y had the Shape, that he had But of all the 

infants that I ever beheld with my Eyes, I think Bin had 

the (ineft Ear, Wax- work, perfedl Wax-work ; and thea 

he did fo fputter at the Breaft ! — His Nurfe was a hale, 

,3 well- 



I 



/ 



Tte Twln-Rivzls. 47 

well-cofflpleAioned, rprigbt!y Uis, as crer I u.v : bu: 
herMiJk was a little too iU!e, tho* it ihc lime time 
'(was as blue and clear as a Cambrick. 
^ Jur, Do you intend all tr.if, Maiisi, for a Ccnfola- 
tion to my Loofin : 

Mid, No, no, Madari, that's to come. 1 tell 

yoo, fair Lady, yoa have onlr Icil the M^n ; the E:Ute 
aod Title are I'till your own; ari zhis very Mozient I 
wou'd falute you Lady //VaV.-r, ir" von pleas *d. 

C#jr. Dear Madam, your Propofil is very icmptirjr, 
let me butconfider till to morrou*, and 1 11 ^ive \ou an 
Anhrtt. 

MU. 1 knew it, I knew it ; I faiJ, when you were 
born, you wou'd be a Lady ; I knew it. To-morrow, 
you (ay. My Lord (hall knou i: immeJiatciy. [*.v;/. 
^ur. What d'ye intci J lo cio, Couf::! ? 
Cg». To go into the Coun:ry this Aiomc-t^ to be troe 
from the Impertinence of Cond >Iencc, !\c :'v::";?ci::iv">n of 
that Monilcr of a Man, ar.d th;.t Devi! .-rf .i W c:v.-p. — 
O, Aurelia^ 1 long to be aloric, 1 sim . ;. :r.;" u 1 .m of 
Grief, that I would fly where I ini.i.i. c: j 'v it all, and 
have no Interrupti n in my darling ^c^i•"^v. 
EnUr Elan' Wou'dbc uf/er:: ■ -J, 
E. W, In Tears! perhaps for mc ! T.. . :v 

[ Drops a FL'.^h re, ti K.i ^0:S t\. :.': ; . ; .\' £ ,;. ■ . ; : i\*, 
/iftJ ti/itKS. 
Aur. If there be au^'.u in Giicf (.lirijohMul, o'oa'c 
grudge me a fliaie. 

Con, No, my dcir Au^cUa. Til engross it all. I IcvM 
bim fo, mcthinks I fhould be jealous if any mourned his 
Death befides myfelf. What's here I [^'takcs up tbe I'ic- 
/nrf.] Ha I fee Coufinl — 'he very Face and Features of 
the Man ! Sure fcne ofllclous Angel has brought mc this 
for a Companion in my So'.itude — Now I'm fitted out for 
Sorrow. With this I'll figh, with this convcrlc, gaze on 
his Image till I grow blind with weeping. 
Aur. I'm amaz'd ! hc5w came it here ? 
Con. Whether by iVJiracic or human Chance, 'tis all 
alike ; I have it here : Nor fliall it ever feparatc from my 
Breaft — ^ii's the only Thing could give mc Joy, bccaufc it 
wiU encreafe my Grief. 

F. 2 Ii. /r. 



48 7be Twin-Hhals. 

E. W. [Entering.] Mod glorious Woman ! now I at 
fond of Life. 

Mr, Ha ! What's this ? Your Bufincfs, pray. Sir? 

£. fF. With this Lady. [Goes to Conftance, taJtes ht 
Hand, and kneels."^ Here let me worfhip that Perfedioi 
whofe Virtue might attrafl the lift'ning Angels, an 
make 'em fmile to fee fuch Purity, fo like themfelves, i 
human Shape. 

Con. Hermes I 

£. W, Your living Hermes , who (hall die yours too. 

Con. Now Pailion, powerful Pa£ion, would bear n 
like a Whirlwind to his Arms — But my Sex has Bonne 
— *Tis wondrous, Sir I 

£• W. Moft wondrous are the Works of Fate for Mai 
and mod clofely laid is the Serpentine Line that guid< 
him into Happinefs.!— that hidden Power which did p^i 
mit thofe Arts to cheat me of my Birthright, had tb; 
Surprife of Happinefs in flore, well knowing that Gri< 
is the beft Preparative for Joy, 

Con, I never found the true Sweets of Love til! th 
romantic Turn, dead and alive ! my Stars are poetica 
For Heaven's Sake, Sir, unriddle your Fortune. 

£. tV. That my dear Brother mud do ; for he made th 
Enigma. 

Jur. Methinks I (land here like a Fool all this while 
Wou'd I had foroebody or other to fay a fine thing c 
two to me. 

£. W. Madam, I beg ten thoufand Pardons : I hav 
my Excufe in my Hand. 

Aur. Wy Lord, I wifh vou Joy. 

E. W* Pmy, Madam, don't trouble me with a Titl 
till I am better equipt for it. My Peerage wou^d loo 
a little ihabby in thefe Robes. 

Con. You have got a good Excufe, my Lord ; yon ca 
wear better when you pTeafe. 

E. ff". 1 have a better Excufe, Madam.-«»"The(e ai 
the beft I have. 

Con. How, my Lord > 

E. ff^. Very true, Madam, I am at prefent, I believe 
the pooreft Peer in ^ff^/(0ff^.««-»Hark*e, Aurelid, prithe 
lend me a Piece or t^o. 



^9r. HsL, hzt hsL, a poor Peer indeed I he wants a 
Guinea. 
Con, Vm glad on't with all my Heart. 
I, IV. Whyfo, Madam? 

Com. Because I can furnifh you with £ve thoofand. 
E. ^. Generous Woman. 

Enitr Trueman^ 
Ha, my Friend too ! 

True. I am glad to find you here, my Lord : Here's a 

cnrreot Reporc about Town that you were kiird. J wa< 

afiraid it might reach this Family, fo I come to dif|;rovc 

llic Story, by your Letter to me by the lail Poll. 

Jur. I'm glad he's come ; now it will be my Turn, 

Xoufin. 

True^ Now, my Lord, I wifh yon Joy ; and I exped 
Okt fame from you. 
£• fT. With all my Heart;, but upon what Score ? 
True. The old Score, Mairiage. 
E. fr. To whom ! 

Trus. To a Neighbour Lady here [Looking at Aurelia. 
j^ur. Impudence! ^JJiiie.] The Lady mayn't be fo 
near as you imagine. Sir. 

True, The Lady mayn't be fo near as you imagine^ 
Madam. 

j^ur. Don't miflake me. Sir : I did not care if the 
Lady were in Mexico. 
True. Nor I neither. Madam. 
jiur. You're very fhort. Sir. 

True^. The fhorteft Pleafures are the fweeteft, you know. 
Aur. Sir, you appear very different to me from what 
you were lately. 

Trui. Madam, you appear very different to me to whit 
yoo were lately. 
Jur. Strange f 

[This *-Mhile Cpnftance and Wou'dbe entertain ont 
amtber in dumb Sheiv. 
True. Miraculous! 
Aur, I could never have believ'd it. 
True, Nor I, as I hope to be fav'd. 
Aur. Ill Manners I 
Tru$. Worfe. 
Attr. How have I deferv'd it, Sirh 

E j> Trv,i 



fo The Twin-Rivals. 

True, How have I deferv'd it, Madam ? 

Jur. What? 

True. You. 

Jur, Riddles! 

True. Women!— -—My Lord, you'll hear of mi 
White'^. Farewel. IRuns 

E.^. What, Trueman gone! 

Aur, Yes. [Walks ahout in DiforA 

Con. Biefs me ; what's the Matter, Coufin ? 

Jur, Nothing. 

Con, Why arc you uncafy ? 

Aur. Nothing. 

Con. What ails you then ? 

/f«r. Nothing : — I don't love the Fellow,— yet to 
affronted — I can't bear it. [^BurJIs out a crying^ and runs 

Con. Your Friend, my Lord, has affronted Aurelia, 

E W, Jmpoffible! His regard to me were fuffici 
Security for his good Behaviour here, the' it were in 

Nature to be rude elfewhere. She has certainly v 

him ill. 

Con. Too well rather. 

E. IV, Too well ! have a care, Madam ! that, v 

fome Men, is the greateft Provocation to-a Slight. 

Con. Don't miftake, my Lord, her Ufage never w 
farther than mine to you \ and I fliould take it very il 
be sbus'd for it. 

E. W, I'll follow him, and know the Caufeof it. 

Con, No, my Lord, I'll follow her, and know it : 
fides, yQ.ur»own Affairs with your Brother require yoi 
prefent. \Ext\ 



n 



A C T IV. 
SCENE, Lord Wou'dbeV Houfe. 

Young Wou'dbe and Subtleman. 
^.WrrS Etarn'df Who faw him? Who fpoke « 
J||\^ him ? He can't be return'd. 
^uh. My Lord, he's below at the Gate parlying w 
the Porter, who has private Orders from me to adnk 

be 



The Twin Rivals. 51 

bojy till you fend him word, that we may have the more 

time to fettle our AiFairs. 
Y. ;r. *Ti8 a hard Cafe, Mr. Suhtleman, that a Man 

can't enjoy his Right without all this Trouble. 
hh, Ah, my Lord, you fee the Benefit of Law row, 

what an Advantage ic is to the Public for ftxiir'i 5 of Pro- 
perty. — Had you not the Law o* your Side, wi.o knows 

wiat Devices might have been pradis*d to defraud you of 

your Right— But 1 have fecur'd all—'l he Will is in true 
Form I and you have two Witnefies already 10 fvvear to 
the lail Words of your Father. 

y. JV, Then you have got snothcr. 

Sub. Yes, yes, a right one ; — and 1 (hall pick up an- 
other time enough before the Term : — And 1 have (>!a< t- 
ed three or four Conftables in the next Room, to take 
care of your Brother if he (houM be boiiierous. 

y. W. 7 hen you think we are fecure. 

Sub. Ay, ay, let him come now when he pleafes :— 
ni go down, and give Orders for his Admittance. 

Y. ff^. Unkind Brother ! to difturb me thus, juft in 
the fwing and flretch of my full Fortune ! Where is the 
Tie of Blood and Nature, when Brothers will do this ? 
Had he bot ftaid till Conftance had been mine, his Pre- 
fence or his Abfence, had been then indifferent. 
Enter Midnight. 

Mid. Well, my Lord, {Pants as out cf Breat^ you'll 
ne*cr be fatisfied till you have broke my poor Heart. I 
have had fuch ado yonder about you with Madam Con^ 
JUtnce — but ihe's your own. 

y.i^.How.'my own I A h ,[my d ear Helpm ate, Pm afraid 
wc are routed in that Quarter : My Brother's come home. 

Mid, Your Brother come home j then Til go travel. 

\Going, 

Y. W. Hold, hold, Madam, we are all f cure ; u- 
have provided for his Reception ; your ^ ephtw Sultlc- 
man has ftopt up all PalTages to the Ellai \ 

Mid. Ay, Sultleman is a pretty thriving ingcnivou': '^'•■y. 
Little do you think who is the Father ot liim. Til tell 
you ; Mr. Moabite the rich Jenju in Lombai d-JIrcet. 

Y. W, Moabite the Je^ / 

Mid, You Ihall hear, my Lord: — One Evening, as I 

waa very grave in my own Houfe, reading the — l^'eek/y 

F 4 Pre' 



J 2 The Twin-Rivals: 

Preparation .•——Ay, it was the Weekly Preparation, I do^ " 
xemember particularly well. — ^What hears me I— but pat^H 
pat, very ibftly at the Door. Come in, cries I, an^aK 
prefently enters Mr. Mcahite, foUow'd by a fnug Chair j^ 
the Windows clofe drawn, and in it was a fine youngr 

Virgin juft upon the point of being delivered. W^ 

were all in a great hurly-burly for a while to be fure / 
but our Produftion was a line Boy — I had fifty Guineas 
for my trouble, the Lady was wrapt up very wamii 
placM in her Chair, and recoovey'd to the place flic 
came from. Who Ihe was, or what (he was, I cou'd 
never learn, tho' my Maid faid that the Chair went thro* 
the Park — but the Child was left with me — The Father 
wou*d have made a Jeiv on't prefently, but 1 fwore, if 
he committed fuch ^ Barbarity on the Infant, that I 

would difcover all So 1 had him brought up a good 

Chriftian, and bound 'Prentice to an Attorney, 

y. W. Very well. 

Mid. Ah, my Lord, there's many a pretty Fellow in 
London that knows as little of their true Father and Mo- 
iher as he does : I have had feveral fuch Jobbs in my 

Time ; there was one Scotch Nobleman that brought 

me ibur in half a Year. 

Y. W. Four ! and how were they all provided for ? 

Mid. Very handfomely indeed ; they were two Sons 
and two Daughters, the eldeft Son rides in the firft Troop 
of Guards, and the other is a very pretty Fellow, and his 
Father's Valet de Chambre. 

Y. W, And what is become of the Daughters, pray? 

Mid. Why, one of 'em is a Mantua-maker, and the 
youngefl has got into the Play-houfe. — Ay, ay, my Lord, 
let Subtieman alone, I'll warrant he'll manage your Bro- 
ther. Adfmylifci here's fomebody coming, I wou*d not 
be feen. 

Y. IV. 'Tis my Brother, and he'll meet you upon the 
Stairs! 'adfo, get into this Clofet till he be gone. 

[Shuts her into the Clo/et. 
Enter E. Wou'dbe and Subtieman. 
My Brother I deareft Brother, welcome I 

[Runs and embraces him. 

E. W I can't difTemblea Sir, clfe I WQu'd return your 
falfe Embrace. 

Y. W". 



Wif Twih-RivalL 53 

7. W. Ftlfe Embrace ! ftill forpicioos of ine ! I thoaght 

^at five Years Abfence might have cool*d the unmanly 

^eats of oor childiih Days ; that I am over-joy*d at yoar 

Ketiirn» let this teftify, this Moment 1 refi^n all Right 

Ind Title to yoar Honour^ and falote yoa. Lord. 

E. W, 1 want not your Permiflion to enjoy my Right ; 
kere I am Lord and Mader without your Reugnation ; 
ind the firft ufe I make of my Authority is, to difcard 
that rode, boll-fac'd Fellow at the Door. Where is my 
Steward? [^Enur Clear- account] Mr. Cle ar- account ^ let 
that pamperM Centinel below this Minute be difcharg'd. 
—Brother, I wonder you cou'd feed fuch a fmarm of 
Jasy, idle Drones about you, and leave the poor induf-- 
trions Bees, that fed you from their Hives, to ftarve for 
want — Steward, look to't ! if I have not Difcharges for 
tMerf Farthing of my Father's Debts upon my Toilet to- 
morrow Morning, you ihall follow the TipftafF, I can 
aflnre you. 

y. W^. Hold, hold, my Lord, you ufurp too large a 
Power, methinks, o'er my Family. 

E. yP. Your Family ! 
^ Y. W. Yes, my Family ; you have no Title to Lord it 
here. — lAr.. Clear -account^ you know your Mailer. 

E, W. How! a Combination againllme! Brother, 

take heed how you deal with one that, cautious ot your 
Falihood, comes prepar'd to meet your Arts, and can 
retort your Cunning to your Infamy : Your black, un- 
natural Defigns againd my Life, before I went abroad. 
my Charity can pardon ; but my Prudence mull remem- 
ber to guard me from your Malice for the future. 

Y. IV. Oar Father's weak and fond Surmife! which 
he upon his Death-bed own'd ; and to recompencs me for 
that injurious, unnatural Sufpicion, hcleft me folc Heir 
to his Eftate — Now, my Lord, my Houfe and Servants 
are— at your Service. 

E W. Villainy beyond Example ! have 1 not Letters 
from my Father, of fcarce a Fortnight's Date, where 
he repeats his Fears for my Return, left it (hould again 
expole me to your Hatred ? 

Sub. Well, well, thefe are no Proofs, my Lord ; they 

won't pa fs in Court againft pofitive Evidence : lleieis 

your Father's Will, Jignatum \£ Jigillatum,. befidcs his. 

F 5 laft. 



£4 7^^ Twin^RivaU. 

Words to confirm it, to which I can take my. pofiti 
bath in any Court of Wefiminfttr. 

E. W. What are you, Sir ? 

Suh. Of Ciifford*s Inn, my Lord» I belong to the La' 

E. IV. Thou art the Worm and Maggot of the La' 
bred in the bruis'd and rotten Parts» and now are noarif 

©d on the fame Corruption that produced thee. T 

Englijh Law, as planted lirft, was like the EngUJb Oa 
ihooting its fpreading Arms around, to fhelter all tli 

dwelt beneath its Shade : Rut now whole Swarms 

Caterpillars, like you, hang in fuch Cluflers upon eye 
Branch, that the once thriving Tree now Iheds mfedio 
Vermin on our Heads. 

Y.W. My Lord, I have fome Company above; 
your Lordfhip will drink a Glafs of Wine, we (hall 
proud of the Honour ? if not, 1 fhall attend you at a 
Court of Judicature, whenever you pleafe to fummon n 
. E. W, Hold, Sir.— Perhaps my Father's dying Wea 
nefs was impos'd on, and he has left him Heir; if'l 
his Will fhall freely be obey'd [.^i^.] —Brother, y 
fay you have a Will. 

Sub. Here it is. \Shevi:inga?archme\ 

E. W. Let me fee it. 

Suh, There's no Precedent for that, my Lord. 

E. IV. Upon my Honour, Pll reftore it. 

Y. W. Upon my Honour, but you /han't.— 

\l^Akts it from Sub. and puts it in bis Pod 

E. W. This Over-caution, Brother, is fufpicious. 

Y. fV. Seven thoufand Pound a Year is ^orth looki 
after. 

E. IV, I'hcrefore you can't take it ill that I am lit 

inquifitrve about it Have you Witneflcs to pre 

my Father's dying Words ? 

Y. IV. A Couple in the Hojufe. 

E.IV. Who are they.? 

Suh,. Witne/Tes, my Lord!—— 'Tis unwarrantable 
enquire into the Merits of the Caufe out of Court; — i 
Client (hall anfwer no more Qucftions. 

K. IV. Perhaps, Sir, upon a fatisfadlory Account 
his Title, I intend to leave your Client to the quiet E 
joymcnt of his Right, without troubling any Court wi 

t 



The Tioin-Riva/s. 53 

fiuficefs ; I therefore defire to know what.kinJ ofPerfons 
are thefe Witnefles. 

5ai. Oho, he's a coming about, [^v^r.] I told your 
Lordihip alresdy, that 1 am one, another ii in the Muuic, 
one of my Lord's Footmen. 

E. //'.Where is this Footman ? 

Y. ff\ Forth-coming. 

E. If. Produce him. 

Sm^. That I Ihall prefcntiy. The Day*s our own, 

Sir ; [To Y, //'.] but you (hall engage fiill to afk him no 
crofs Qoellions. [/f.v//. Sub. 

E. JF, I am not (kill'd in foch : But, prny Brother, 
did my Father quite forget me? left me nothing ? 

Y. ff\ Truly, my Lord, nothing :— ~Hc Tpoke but 
little, left no Legacies. 

E, /f . 'Tis ftrange ; he was extremely juft, and lovM 
mc too i — but perhaps — [ii///fr Snbilcman lui/b Tcaguc. 

Sui>. Mv Lord, here's another Evidence. 

E. Jr, Tergue! 

y. //". My Brother's Servant ! 

[Tbey all f cur fare upon cne another. 

Sub. His Servant \ 

Tin. Maifliter! fee here Mai fhter, I did get all difh 
[Chinks Monty] for being an Evidenfli, dear Joy j an be 
me (houle, I will give the hull of it to you, if you will 
give me your Permiflion to make fwear ac^ainll you. 

E. ff\ My Wonder is divided hetwccn^he Villainy of 
the Faft, and the Amazement of ihc Oifcovcry! "Jeaguc! 
my very Servant ! furc 1 dream. 

Tea. Fet. dere i(h no dreaming in the Cafh ; Tin furc 
the Croon Pieccifh are awake, for I have been taking, 
with dem difh half hour. 

Y. W> Ignorance, unlucky Man, thou haft ruin'd me ; 
why had I not a iight of him before ? 

Sub. 1 thought the Fellow had been too Ignorant ct> 
be a Knave. 

Tea, Be me Shoule, you lee, dear Joy. 1 can h: a 

Knave as well as you, fen I think it convenicncy. 

E. H\ Now, Brother! Spccchlefs I Your CVacIr i» > 
filenc'd ! Is all your boarted Fonune funk to the -; .'^. 
EJufhing for a Crime ? But I fcorn to infuit.---., ■ 



S6 



TJ^e TwinRhats^ 



appointmfltit be your Puniihment : But for your Lawyer 
there, — Teagae, lay hold of him. * 

Sui. Let none dare to attach me without a legal War* 
rant. 

Tea. Attach ! no, dear Joy, 1 cannot attach you — but 
I can catch you by the Troat, after the Fafhion of /r/- 
land. \Tahs Subtleman ^ the Throat, 

Sub. An Aflault ! an Affault ! 

Tea. No, no, Uifh noting but choaking, noting but 
choaking. 

E. W. Hold him faft, 7V^^«^-Now, Sir, [To Y. If. J 
becaufe I was your Brother, you wouM have betray'd me ; 
and becaufe I am your Brother,. I forgive it ; difpofe ; 

yourfelf as you think fit I'll order Mr. CUar-account 

to give you a thoufand Pounds. Go take it, and pay me 
by your Abfence. 

Y. W^ I fcorn your beggarly Benevolence : Had my 
Deflgns fucceeded^ I wou'd not have allow'd you the 
Weight of a Wafer, and therefore will accept none. — As 
for that Lawyer, he deferves to be pilloried, not for hi» 
Cunning in deceiving you, but for his Ignorance in be* 

traying me. ^The villain has defrauded me of Seven 

l^oufand Pound a Year. Farewd. \Going* 

Enter Midnight out of the Clofet^ run* to Toung Wou*dbff> 
and kneels. 

Mid. My Lord, my dear Lord fVoi^dbif I beg you tejd 
thoufand Pardons. 

Y. W^ What Offence haft thou done to me ? 

Mid. An Offence the moft injurious 1 have hitherto 

conceal'd a Secret in my Breafl, to the Offence of Juftice* 
and the defrauding your Lordihip of your true Riffht and 
Tide. You, Benjamin Woudhe^ with the crooked Back, 
are the eldeft born, and true Heir to the Eilate and Dig* 
nity. 
, 0«, How f 

Tea. A rah, how \ 

M'd. None, my Lord, can tell better than T, who 

brought you both into the World. My deceased Lord, 

upon the fight of your Deformity, engaged me, by a con- 
fiderable Reward, to fay you were the lad born, that the 
beautiful Twin„ likely to be the greater Ornament to the 

FaBuly, 



fh Twin- Rivals. 57 

Family, might fucceed him in his Honour.— This Secret 
tny Confcience has lon^ (Iruggled with. — Upon the News 
that you were left Heir to the Eftate, I thought Jufticc 
was latisiied, and I was refolv'd to keep it a Secret flill j 
but by ftrange Chance, over- hearing what pafsM juil now, 
my poor Confcience was rack*d, and 1 was foic'd to de- 
clare the Truth. 

Y. fF. By all my former Hopes I could have fworn it : 
I found the Spirit of Elderfhip in my Blood ; my Pulfes 
beat, and fwell'd for Seniority.— —Mr. Htrmes Wou^dhti^^ 
Ym your mod humble Servant. \FoppiJhly, 

E. W. Hermes is my Name, my Chriftian Name ; of 
which I am prouder than of all Titles that Honour gives^ 

or Flattery beftows. But thou, vain Bubble, puft up 

with the empty Breath of that more empty Woman ; to 
let thee fee how I defpife thy Pride, I'll call thee Lord, 
drefs thee up in Titles like a King at Arms ; you ihali 
be blazon'd round, like any Church in Holland; t\iy 
Pageantry (hall exceed the Lord- Mayor's ; and yet Ihia 
Hermes, plain Hermes, (hall defpife thee. 

Sui. Well, well, this is nothing to the Porpo f e 
Miftrefs, will you make an Affidavit of what you have 
faid, before a Matter in Chancery f 

Mid. That I can, tho' I were to die the next Minute 
after it. 

^ea. Den, dear Joy, you wou'd be dam the next Mi* 
Bute after dat. 

E. TV. AIL this is trifling : I muft purge my Houfe of 

this Neft of Villainy at once. Here, Teague^ [JVbi/pers 

Teague] go, make haile. 

Tea, Dat I can. — [Js be runs out, T, W. ftops him» 

Y. fV. Where are you going. Sir ? 

Tea. Only for a Pot of Ale, dear Joy, for you and my 
MaiChter, to drink Friends. 

Y. ^. You lie. Sirrah. [Pujhes him hack. 

Tea. Fet, I do To. 

E. ^. What, Violence to my Servant I Nay, then Til 
force him a Paflage. 

Suh. An Aflault, an AiTault upon the Body of a Peer, 
Within there ! 

Enter 



5i< The Twin-Rivals* 

Enter three or four Conftabks^ one of Vw nmtb a hlaek 

Patch on his. Eye. They difarm Elder Wou'dbe, and 

fecure Teague. 

E. W. This Plot was laid for my Reception. Unhand 
me, Conftable. 

Y. IV. Have a care, Mr. Conftable, the Man is mad ; 
he's pofTefs'd with an odd Frenzy, that he's my Brother, 
and my elder too ; 8^0, becaufe I wou'd not very willingly, 
refign my Houfe and Eftate, he attempted tomorderme. 

Sub, Gentlemen, take care of that Fellow : He made 
an Affault upon m^ Body ^i & armis. 

Tea. Arab, fatis dzt <zvy at armijh? 

Sub. No matter, Sirrah j I fhall have you hang'd. 

Tea, Hang'd 1 dat is nothing, dear Joy ; — We arc us'd 
to't. 

E. W. Unhand me, Villains, or by all — — 

Tea. Have a caar, dear Maifliter, don't fwear ; we 
Ihall be had in the Croon-Offiih ; You know dere ifli 
Sharpers about us. [Looking about on them that hold him, 

Y. fV. Mr. Conilable, you know your Diredlions;. 
away with 'em. 

E. W. Hold 

Conft, No, no, force him away. — — 
\They all hurry him ojff\ mancnt T. W. tf»</ Midnight. 

Y. JV. Now, my dear Prophetefs, my Sybil ; bv all 
my dear Defires and Ambitions, I do believe you have 
fjpoken the Truth.— I am the Elder. 

Mid, No, no. Sir, the Devil a word on't is true— —I- 
wou'd not wrong my Confcience neither : For, faith and 
troth, as I am an honeft Woman, you were born above 
three Quarters of an Hour after him ; — but I don't much 
care if 1 do fwear that you are the eldeft. — What a Blef- 
fing it was that I was in the Clofet at that pinch f Had f 
not come out that Moment, you wou'd have fneakt off; 
your-Brother had been in Pofleffion, and then we had loft 
all ; but now you are eftabliOi'd, PofTeflion gets you Mo- 
ney, that gets you Law, and Law you know— — Dowa 
on your Knees* Sirrah,, and aflc me Blcfling. 

Y. fV, No, my dear Mother, I'll give thee a Blefling, 
a Rent-charge of Five hundred Pound a Year, upon what 
p^rt of the Eftate you will> during your Life* 

Mid* 



The Ttoin-RivaTs. g^ 

Mid, Thank vou, my Lord : That fist Hundred a 
Year wiU afford me a leifurely Life, and a handfome Re- 
tirement in the Country, where I mean to repent me of 
sny Sins, acd die a good Chriftian : For Heaven knows, 
I am old, and ought to bethink me of another I ife.— . 
Have yoQ none of the Cordial left that we had in the 
Morning ? 

Y, /f'. Yes, yes>.wc-ll go to the Fountain-head. \^Exiunt* 

S C E N E, T^ Street. 

Enter Teague. 
Tea. Deel tauke me but diffi ifli a moll (hwcet Bufinefs 
indeed ^ MaiQiters play the Pool, and Shervants mud 
Ihaffer for it. I am Prilhoner in the ConftablcS Houfe, 
be me Shoule, and fhent abrode to fetch fonie Bail for my 
Mailhter ; but foo Aiall bail poor Teague agra ? 

Enter Conflance. 
Oh, dere i(h my Maifhter's old Love. Indeed, I fear 
diih Bifhnefs will fpoil his Fortune. 

Con, Who'»heref Teague? [He turns from her • 

Ttfa.Deel tauke her, 1 did tought (he cou'd not know 
me agen now I am a Priihoner. [Conllance ^0^/ about to 
look him in the Face, He turns from ber.'] Difh ilh not 
Ihivil, be me Shoule, to know a Shentfeman fither he 
will or 00. 

Con. Why this, Teague P What's the Matter? Are 
.you afham'd of nie, or yourfelf, Teague?- 
Tea. Of bote, be me Shoule. 
Con, How does your MaHer, Sir ? 
Tea. Very well, dear Joy, and in Priflion. 
Con. In Prifon \ how .' where ? 

Tea, Why, in the little Bajhtile yonder, at the End 
of the Street. 

Con, Shew me the Way immediately. 
Tea, Fet, I can ihew you the Houfe yonder; Shce 
youder ; be me Shoule I ihee hts Face yonder peeping 
troo the Iron Glafs Window. 

Con» rU fee him, tho' a Dungeon were his Confine- 
ment. [ Runs off. 

Tea. Ah auld kindnefh, be me (lioule, cannot be 

forgotten. Now, if my Maifhtcr had but C^rafh enough 
to get her wit Child, her Word wou'd go for two ; and 
flic, wottld bail him and I bote. \ P'Xit. 

SCENIL 



€o The Twin-Rivals. 

SCENE, A Room mifirablyfurmjhedt E. W. y&//«^ W* 
njoriting. 

E. Wi The Tenner confines the Great,. 
The Spunging'houfe the Poor ; 

Thus there are Degrees of State 
That tv*n the Wretched muft endure. 

Virgil, th(^ cherijhed in Courts,. 
Relates hut a fplenetic Tale, 

Cervantes Revels and Sports, 
Althi^ he torit in a JaiL 

Then hang Reflexions, [Starts up,] Pll go write a Co^ 
medy. Ho, within there : Tell the- Lieutenant of tiir 
Tower that I would fpeak with him. 
Enter Conflablci 

Con^* Ay, ay, the Man is mad : Lientenant o^th*" 
Tower ! ha, ha, ha ; wouM you cou'd make your Words 
good, M after. 

E. W. Why, am not I a Prifoner here ? I know it by 
the (lately Apartments.— What is that, pray, that hangs- 
ftreaming do\^n upon 6ie Wall yonder ^ 

Confi. Yonder ! 'tis Cobweb, Sir. 

E. W. 'Tis f alfe. Sir : 'Tis as fine Tapcfhy as any iiti 
Europe, 

Conjl. The Devil it is r 

E. fV. Then >our Damafk Bed, here; the Flowers are 
fo bold, I took 'em for Embroidery ; and then the Head- 
work, ? oint de FenicCf I protect' ! 

Confi. As good Kidderminjier SiS SLnym England, Imuft^ 
confeis : and iho* the Sheets be a little foil'd, yet I can 
aflure you. Sir, that many an honeil Gentleman has lain 
in them. 

E. W. Pray, Sir, what did thofe two India Pieces coft^ 
that are fixM up in the Corner of the Room ? 

Confi. Indian Pieces 1 What the Devil, Sir, they ire 
my old Jack-boots, my Militia Boots. 

'E. W, 1 took them for two China Jars, upon my 
Word : But hark'e, Friend, art thou content that theft 
Things ftiou'd be as they are f 

Conji. Content I ay, Sir. 

E. fF. Why then ihould Tcomplain ? [Om calls mtithin. 

Ifnthln.l 



Tie Twin-Rivals. 6i 

\}yitbin.'\ Mr. Conftable, here's a Woman will force 
her Way open us : We can*tftop her. 

Cenft. Knock her down then, knock her down ; let no 
Woman come ap» the Man's mad enough already. 
Enter Conftance. 
Con. Who dares oppofc me ? 

[Tbronvs him a handful tf M^ney, 
C§nft, Not I truly, Madam. [Gathers up the Money. 
E. ff^. My Conftance ! m^^ Guardian -angel here ! Thea 
nought can hurt me. 

Conft. Hark'e, Sir, you may (iippofe the Bed to be a 
Damafk Bed for Half an Hour, if you pleafe, — 

Con. No, no, Sir, your Prifoner muft along with me. 
. Conft. Ay \ faith, the Woman's madder than the Man. 
Enter Trueman and Tcague. 
E. JV, Ha ! Trueman too f I'm proud to think that 
many a Prince has not fo many true Friends in his Pa- 
lace, as I have here in Prifon ; — two fuch 
Tern. Tree, be me Shoule. 

Treu. My Lord, juft as I heard of your Confinement, I 
Ivas going to make myfelf a Prifoner. Behold the Fet* 
tcrs ; I had juft bought the Wedding-ring. 
Con. I hope they are golden Fetters, Captain ? 
True. They weigh four thoufand Pounds, Madam, be- 
fide the Purfe, which is worth a Million. — My Lord, this 
very Evening was I to be married ; but the News of your 
Misfortune has ilopt me : I would not gather Rofes in a 
"wet Hour. 

E. H^. Come, the Weather (hall be clear ; the thoughts 
of your good Fortune will make me eafy, more than my 
own can do, if purchafed by your Difappointment. 
True. Do you think, my Lord, that 1 can go to the 

Bed of Pleafure, whilft you lie in a Hovel ? Here, 

where is this Conftable ? How dare you do this, infolent 
Rafcal ? 

Confl." Infolent Rafcal ! do you know who you fpeak 
to. Sir ? 

Trui. Yes, Sirrah ; don't I call you by your proper 
Name ? How dare you confine a Peer of the Realm ? 

Cenft. Peer of ihe Realm! you may give good Words 
tho* I hope. 

£• IF. Ay, ay, Mr. Conftable is in the right, he did 

but 



62 The Twin-Rivals. 

but his duty ; I fuppofe he had twenty Guineas for his ' 
Pains. 

Co»fl, No, I had but ten. 

E. /^. Hark'e, Trueman, this Fellow mufl: be footh'd, 
he'll be of Ufe to us ; I muft employ you too in this Affair 
with my Brother. 

True, Say no more, my Lord, I'll cut his Throat, 'tis 
but flying the Kingdom. 

E. W. No, no, 'twill be more Revenge to word him 
at his own Weapons. Cou'd I but force him out of his 
Garrifon, that I might get into PolTeflion, his Claim 
wou'd vanidi immediately. — Does my Brother know you? 

True, Very little, if at all. 

E ^. Hark'e. [TFhI/pers. 

True, It ftiall be done ; Look'e, Conftable, you're 

drawn into a wrong Caufe, and it may prove your Dc»- 
ilrudlion, if you don't change Sides immediately : — Wc 
defire no Favour, but the Ufe of your Coat, Wig, and 
Staff for Half an Hour. 

Conft, Why truly, Sir, I underftand now, by- this Gen.- 
llcwoman, that I know to be our Neighbour,, that he is 
a Lord, and I heartily beg his Worfhip's Pardon, and 
if I can do your Honour any Service, your Grace may 
command me. 

E. W. I'll reward you, but you mull have the black 
Patch for the Eye too. 

Tea, I can give ^our Lordfliip wan ; here fet, 'tis a 
Plaiftiter for a fore Finger, and I have worn it but twice. 

Con, —But pray. Captain, what was your Quarrel at 
Aurdia to-day ? 

True. With your Permiffion, Madam, we'll mind my 
Lord's Bufinefs at prefent ; when that's done, we'll mind 
the Lady's— My Lord, I (hall make an excellent Con- 
liable; I never had the Honour of a civil Employment 
before : We'll equip ourfelves in another Place Here, 
you Prince of Darkne/s^ have you ne'er a better Room in 
your Houfe, thcfe Iron Grates frighten the Lady. 

Conft. I have a handfome, neat Parlour below, Sir. 

True, Come along then, you mull condutl us. - ■ — We 
don't intend to be out of your Sight, that you may'nt be 
out of ours, \^AJid(.^ [Exeunt. 

SCENE 



The Twin-Rivals. 63 

SCENE changes to an Jpartment. 

Enter Aurclia in a PaJJton^ Rhhrn or e /olloiving, 

Aur. Follow me not ;-^ — Age and Deformity, with 
Quiet, were preferable to this vexatious Perfecution ; for 
Heaven's fake, Mr. Richmore, what have I ever (hewn to 
vindicate this Prefumption of yours ? 

Rich. You Ihevv it now, Madam, your Face, your 
Wit, your Shape, are all Tcmptat'ons to undergo even 
•the Rigour of your DifJain, lor the bewitching Pleafure 
of your Company. 

Jur. Then be ;ifliur'd. Sir, you (hall reap no othtfr 
Benefit by my Company ; and if you think it a Pleafure 
to be conftantly flighted, ridicul'd, and a/Fronted, you 
(hall have Admittance to fuch Entertainment whenever 
you wilL 

Rich, I take you at your Word, Madam ; I am arm'd 
•with Submiffion againft all the Attacks of your Severity, 
and your Lady (hip ihall find, that my Refignatioa can 
bea^much longer than your Rigour can.inflift. 

Jur. That ts, in plain Terms, your Sufficiency will 

•prefuifie much longer than my Honour can refift. — Sir, 

-you might have fpar'd the unmannerly Declaration to my 

Face, having already taken care to let me know your 

Opinion of my Virtue, by your impudent Settlement 

proposed by Mrs. Midnight, 

Rich. By thofe fair Eyes, I'll double the Propofal ; this 
foft, this white, this powerful Hand [Talus her Hand'] 
ihall write its own Conditions. 

Jur, Then it (hall write this — [Strikes him], and if you 
like the Terms, you (hall have more another Time. [Exit. 

Rich. Death and Madnefs f a Blow — Twenty tjioufand 
Pound Sterling for one Night's Revenge upon her dear^ 

proud, difd^inful Perfon '. Am not 1 rich as many a 

Sovereign Prince, wallow in Wealth, yet can't command 
my Pleafure ? — Woman ! — If there be Power in Gold, 1 
yet ihall triumph o'er thy Pride.^ 

E^aer Midnight. 

J^iJ. O' my troth, and fo you (hall, if I can help it. 

Rich. Madam, Madam, here, here, here's Money, 
Go'd, Silver, take, take, all, all, my Rings loo ; all 
ihall be yours, make me but happy in this prefumptuous 

Beauty^ 



^4 y*^ ^win-Rxvals. 

Beauty, Y\\ make thee rich as Avarice can crave ; if not^ 
I'll murder thee and myfelf too. 

Mid* Your Bounty is too large, too large indeed. Sir. 

Rich, Too large ! no, 'tis Beggary without her.^ 

Lordfhips, Manors, Acres^ Rents, Tithes, and Trees^ 
all, all fliall fly for my dear fweet Revenge. 

Mid. Say no more, this Night I'll put you in a Way, 

Rich. Thi^ Night ? 

Mid. TheXady's Aunt is very near her Time— — fhe 
goes abroad this Evening a vifiting ; in the mean time V\\ 
lend to your Miflrefs, that her Aunt is fallen in Labour 
at my Houfe : She comes in a hurry, and then^— 

Rich. Shall I be there to meet her ? 

Mid, Perhaps. 

Rich. In a private Room ? 

Mid, Mum. 

Rich. No Creature to difturb us ? 

Mid. Mum, I iay» but >you muft give me your Word 
not to ravifli her ; nay, I can tell you, ihe won*t be ra« 
vilh^d. 

Rich. Ravifli ! Let me fee, Vm worth five thoafand 
Found a Year, twenty thoufand Guineas in my Pocket, 
and may not I force a Toy that's fcarce worth fineen hun« 
drcd Pound ? I'll do't. 

Her Beauty fets my Heart on fire, befide 
Th' iujurious Blow has fet on fire my Pride; 
The bare Fruition were not worth my Pain, 
The Joy will be to humble her Difdain ; 
Beyond Enjoyment will the Tranfport laft 
Ia Triumph, when the Extafy is paft. 

Jbi End of the Fourth ACT. 



ACT 



The Twin^RivaU. €g 

A C T V. 

^ S C E N E, Lord WouMbe'j Houfe. 

Young Wou'dbe Solus. 
Y. U^. QHcw me that proud Stoic that can bear Suc- 
i3 cefs and Champaign ; Philofophy can fupporc 
lu in hard Fortune, but who can have Patience in Pro- 
{ptnxy ? The Learned may talk what they will of hu- 
man Bodies, but I am fure there is not one Atom in mine 
bot what is truly Epicurean. Mv Brother is fecurM, £ 
guard with my Friends, my lewd and honeft Midnight 
Friends.— Holla, who waits there ? 
Euter Str*vanf, 

Str, My Lord ! 

Y. W. A freih Battalion of Bottles to re-inforce the 
Gftern. Are the Ladies come ? 

Str, Half an Hour ago, my Lord : They're below in 
the Bathing Chamber. 

Y. W. Where did you light on 'em ? 

Ser. One in the Pa&ge at the old Play-houfe, my Lord 
—I found another very melancholy paring her Nails by 
R9famond'% Pond, — and a Couple 1 got at the Checquer 
Alehoufe in Holhorn ; the two laft came to Town Yeiier* 
day in a Weft Country Waggon. 

Y. W. Very well, order Baconface to hallen Supper — 
and d'ye hear ? Bid the Siuifs admit no Stranger, without 
acquainting me— [^x/V Ser*vanf.] Now Fortune I defy 
thee, this Night's my own at leall, [Re-enter Servant. 

Sen My Lord, here's the Conftable below with the 
black Eye, and he wants to fpeak with your Lord (hip in 
aUhaile. 

Y. ^ Ha [ the Conftable ! Shou'd Fortune jilt me 
now ?— Bid him come up, I fear fome curfed Chance to 
thwart me. 

Enter Trueman in the Cotiftable*s Cloaths* 

True. Ah ! My Lord, here is fad News— your Brother 



Y. W. Got away, made his Efcape, I warrant you. 
Jinrr. Worfe> worfe, my Lord. 

Y.fF. 



66 The Twin-Rivals. 

Y. TV. Worfe, worfe ? What can be worfe ? 

True, I dare not fpeak it. 

Y. PP^, Death and Hell, Fellow don't diftraft me. 

True. He's diad. 

Y. /r. Dead. 

True, Pofi lively. 

Y. /F. Coup ds Grace t del Gramercy, 

True, Villain, I underftand you. [-4^^^ 

Y. iV. But how, how, Mr. Conftable ? Speak it aloud, ' 
kill me with the Relation. 

True, I don't know how, the poor Gentleman was very 
melancholy upon this Confinement, and fo he defir'd me 
to fend for a Gentlewoman that lives hard by here, may- 
hap your Worihip may know her. 

Y. IV, At the gilt balcony in the Square ? 

True. The very fame, a fmart Woman truly— I went 
for her myfelf, but flie was othervvays engaged ; not (he 

truly, (he vvou'd not come Wou'd you believe it, my 

Lord, at the hearing of this the poor Man was like to 
drop down dead. 

Y. W, Then he was but likely to drop down dead ? 

True. Wou'd it were no more. Then I left him, and 
coming about two Hours after, I found him hang'd in his 
Sword-belt. 

Y. W. Hanp'd ! 
True. Dangling. 

Y. IV. Lc coup ^d' eclat I Done like the nobleft Roman of 
*em all ; but a-^e you fure he's pall all Recovery ? Did 
you fend for no Surgeon to bleed him ! 

True. No, my Lord, I forgot that — but I'll fend im- 
mediately. 

Y. IV, No, no, Mr. Conftable, 'tis too late now, too 
late — and the Lady would not come, you fay ? 

True. Not a ftep wou'd flie ftir. 

Y. PV^ Inhuman! barbarous! — dear, delicious Wo« 
man, thou now art mine — Where is the Body, Mr, Con- 
ftable ? I muft fee it. 

True, By all means, my Lord, it lies in my Parlour ; 
there's a power of Company come in, and among the reft 
•ne, one, one Trueman, I think they call him, a devilifli 
hot Fellow, he had lik'd to have nuU'd the Houfe down 
about our Ears, and fwears— *! tola h!m he Ihould pay for 

fwearing 



The Twin- Rivals. 67 

fwearing — he gave me a flap in the Face, faid he was in 
the Army, and had a ^.ommi{^o^ for't. 

Y. W. Captain Trueman? A bluftering kind of Rake- 
helly Officer. 

^rue. Ay, my Lord, one of ihofe Scoundrels that we 
pay Wages to for being knock'd o' ih'head for us. 

y. fV, Ay, ay, one of thofe Fools that have only 
Brains to be knocked out. 

True, Son of a Whore. \_^Jide.'\ He's a plaguy impu- 
dent Fellow, my Lord ; he fwore that you were the 
greateft Villain upon the Earth. 

y. W. Ay, ay, but he durft not fay that to my Face, 
Mr. Conftable. 

True, No, no, hang him, he faid it brhind your Back 

to be fure — and he fwore moreover Have a care, my 

Lord, he fwore that he would cut your Throat when- 
ever he met you. 

Y. W. Will you fwear that you heard him fay fo? 
True. Heard him ! Ay, as plainly as you hear me : He 
ipoke the v^ry Words that I fpeak lo your Lordlhip 

y. fF, Well, well, ril manage him — But now I think 
on*r, I won't go to fee the Body ; it will but encreafe ray 
Grief.— — Mr. Conllable, do you fend for the Coroner : 
They muft find him Non Compos, He was mad before, 
you know. Here — fomtthing for your Trouble. 

[Grufs Money, 
True, Thank your Honour. — But pray, my Lord, have 
a care of \}ii2XTrueman ; he fwears that he'll cut your 
Throat, and he will do't, my Lord, he will do't. 
Y. W. Never fear, never fear. 

True. But he fwore it, my Lord, and he will certainly 
do't. Pray have a Care. {Exit, 

Y. W. Well, well, fo, — the Devil's in't if 1 ben't 

the eldeft now. What a Pack of civil Relations have I 
had here ? My Father takes a Fit of the Apoplexy, makes 
a Face and goes off one way ; my Brother takes a Fit of 
the Spleen, makes a Face and goes off t'other way. — Well, 
I muft owo he* has found the way to mollify me, and I 
do love him now with all my Heart ; lince he was fo 
?ery civil to juftle into the World before me, I think he 
did very civilly to juftle out of it before me.— ~But now 

my 



68 The "twin^Rivah. 

jtny Joys ! Without there — ^hollo— take ofF the Inquifidon 
of the Gate ; the Heir may now enter urifufpe^ed. 

^he Wolf is deady the Shepherds may go play : 
Ea/e folloiMs Care, fo rowls the World away. 

'Tis a Queilion whether Adveriity or Profperity makea 
the mod Poets. 

Enter a Servant* - 

Ser, My Lord, a Footman brought this Letter, and 
waits for an Anfwer. 

Y. W. Nothing from the Elyfian Fields 1 hope. {Opeth 
tng the Letter.^ What do I fee, CONSTANCEF Spdlf 
and Magic in every Lett^ of the Name — ^Now for the • 
fweet Contents. 

]\/fy Lord, I am pleased to hear of your happy Change ef 

Fortune, and Jhall be glad to Jie your Lordjbip this 

E'vening to ivijhyou Joy. CONSTANCE. 

Now the Devil's in this Midnight ; (he told me this After- 
noon that the Wind was chopping about, and has it ffit 
into the warm Corner already ? Here, my Coach and fix 
to the Door : I'll vifit my Sultana in State. As for the 
Seraglio below Stairs, you, my Bajhanjus, may pofTefs them. 

SCENE, The Street, Tcague ^ith a Lanthorm, True- 
man in the Confable^s Habit following. 

^rue. Blockhead, thou had led us out of the way i we 
have certainly paft the Conftable's Houfe. 

Tea, Be me Shoule, dear Joy, I am never out of my 
ways ; for poor league has been a Vanderer ever iince he 
was horned. 

True. Hold up the Lanthom : What is that ? The St. 
Alhan\ Tavern I Why, you blundering Fool, you have 
led me diredtly to St, Jameses Square, ^hen you (hoold 
have gone towards Soho \Shriehing m3ithinJ\ Hark ! 
What Noife is that over the way ? A Woman's Cry ! 

Tea, Fet is it (home Daumfel in Diftrefs, I brieve* 

that has no mind to be relieved. 

True, ril ufe the Privilege of my Office to know what 
tht Matter is. 

Tim. 



Th Twin-Rivals. 6^ 

7'ea. Hold, hold» MaUkter Capuin, be me fet, dat 
ifh not the way home^ 

frzthin]—Hc\p, help, Murder? Help. 

True, Ha! Here muft be Mifchief Within ihere, 

open the Door in the King's Name^ or I'll force it 
open.-^Here, ^^jm> b.eak open the Door. 

[Tclgue takes the Staffs thumps at the Door. 
Tea, Deel taake him, I have knock fo long as lam 
fible. Arah, Mailhtcr, get a great long Ladder to get 
Jo the Window of the nrfht Room, and (ho open the 
JDoor, and let in your (helf. 
WUbin.l Help, help, help. 
True. Knock harder, let's raifc the Mob* 
Tea, O Maiihter, I have tink juft now of a brave In- 
vention to make dcm come out ; and be St. Patrick^ dat 
very Bufhinefs did maake my nown fhelf and my Fader 
Tuo like the Devil out of my nown Hoofe in my Coun* 
try :— Be me Shoule, fet the Hoofe a- fire* 
Enter the Mob, 
Moh. What's the Matter, Mailer Conftable ? 
True. Gentlemen, I command yo jr Affillance in the 
King's Name, to "break into the Houfe : There is Mur- 
der cried within. 

Moh. Ay, ay, break open the Door. 

[Midnight at the Balcony. 
Mid. What Noife is that below ? 
Tea. Arah, vat Noife is dat above ? 
Mid. Only a poor Gentlwoman in Labour; — 'twill be 
oyer prefently. — Here, Mr. Conftable^ there's fome thing 
• for you to drink. {Thro^vj doivn a Purje, Teague takes it up. 
Tea. Come, Maifhter we have no more to (hay, be me 
ihoale, [G««^.] Arah, if you will play the Conilable 
right now, fet you will come away. 

True, No, no ; there muft be Villainy by this Bribe. 
Who lives in this Houfe ? 

M^h, A Midwife, a Midwife : 'Tis none of our Bufi- 
nefs ; let us be gooe. [ Aurelia at the Windo'w. 

Aur. Gentlemen, dear Gentlemen, help ! a Rape, a 
Rape, Villainy ! 

7r«f. Ha ! That Voice I know — Give me the Staff; 
ril make a Breach, I warrant you. 

\Breaks open the Door, and all go in. 
Vol. II. G SChNa 



70 The Twin- Rivals. 

SCENE changes to the Infide of the Hou/e. 
Re-enter Trueman and Mob. 
7rue. GentlerocDx fearch all about the Honfe ; let not 
d Soul efcape. 

Enter Aurelia, running with her Hair about her Ears, and 
out of Breath. 

Aur. Dear Mr. Conftable, — bad yoa — (laid but a Mo- 
ment longer* 1 had been ruined. 

^rue, Aurelia ! Are you fafe, Madam ? 

Aur. Yes, yes j I am fafe — I think — but with enough 
to do : He's a devililh ftrong Fellow. 

^rue. Where is the Villain that attempted it ? 

Aur. Pfliaw — never mind the Villain ; — look out the 
Woman of the Houfe, the Devil, the Moniter, that de- 
coy'd me hither. 

Enter Teague, hauling in Midnight h^ the Hair. 

Tea, Be me Shoule* I have taaken my fhaar of the 
Plunder. Let me fhee, fat I have gotten, [flakes her t§ 
the light.'] Ububboo, a Witch, Witch ; the very faaoi 
Witch dat would fwaar my Maifhter was the youngeft. 

True How! Midnight/ This was the luckieft Dilguifc 
I Come, my dear Froferfine, I'll take care of you. 

Mid Pray, Sir, let me fpeak to you. 

True, No, no ; Vll talk with you before a Magiftrate 
—A Cart, Bridewell; — you underftand tne^^—Teagmi^ 
Jet her be your Prifoner, Til wait on this Lady. 

Aur, Mr. Conftable, Til reward you. 

Tea, It ifli convenient noo by the Law of Armfti, that 
I fearch my Prifhoner, for fear (he may have fome Pocket- 
Piihtols : Dere is a Joak for you. [Searches her Pocktt* 

Mid. Ah ! don't ule an old Woman fo barbaroufly. 

Tea, Dear Joy, den fy vere you an old Woman 1 Dat 
is your Fait, not mine, Joy I Uboo, here ilh noting but 
fcribble fcrabble Papers, 1 tink, 

[Pu^ls out a handful of Letters. 

True, Let me fee 'em ; they may be of life [Looks 

o^jer the letters,'] Fcr Mr. Rich more — ^h 1 Poea he traf- 
fic hereabout? ? 

Aur^ That is the Villain that .would have abu(ed me. 

True. Ha ! Then he has abus'd you ; Villain indeed \ 



The TtviH'Rivals. 71 

w.\Vas his Name Ricbmorif Miftrefs ? t lufty handforae 
Man? 

jfur. Ay, ay, the very fame ; a lufty, ugly Fellow. 
True» Let me fee— whofe Scrawl is this ? \Opeis the 
Letter. '\ Death and Confufion to my Sight; CUlia ! My 
Bride! — His Whore.— —I've paft a Precipice unfeen, 
which to look back upon, (hi vers me with Terror. — This 
Night, this very Moment, had not my Friend been in 
Con6nement, had not I worn this Dre(s, had not Aurtli^ 
been in Danger, had not Teagus found this Letter, had 
the leaft minuted Lircumflance been omitted, what a 
Mon0er had I been ! Miftrefs, is the fame RUbmore in 
the Houfe ftill, thinks ? 

jiur. 'Tis very probable he may.— — 
True, Very well. Teague^ take thefe Ladies over 

to the Tavern, and (lay there x.\\ I come to you. 
Madam, [To Aurelia) fear no Injury— your Friends are 
near you. 
. jiur. What does he mean > 

Tea. Come, dear Joy, I vil give yon a Pot of Wine, 
out of your own Briberies here. 

£ Hauls out Midnight. Exit Aurelia and Mob, 

Manet Trueman. 
inter Richmore« 
^eb. Since my Money won't prevail on this crofs Fel- 
low, ril try what my Authority can do— "—What's the 
meaning of this Riot, Condable ? I have the Commif- 
fion of the Peace, and can command you. Go about 
your Buduefs, and leave your Prifoners with me. 

Trtu. No, Sir ; the Prifoners (hall go about their Bu- 
finefs, and I'll be left with you— — Look'e, Mafter, we 
don't ufc to make up thefe Matters before Company : So 
you and I mud be in private a little. — You fay. Sir, that 
you arc a J u dice of Peace. 

Ricb. Yes, Sir ; I have my CommilHon in my Pocket. 
Trne. I believe it. — Now, Sir, one good Turn dcferves 
another: And if you will promife to do mc a Kindnefs, 
why, you (hall have as good as you bring. 
Rjcb. What is it? 

True, You mud know. Sir, there is a Neighbour's 

Daughter that I had a woundy Kindnefs for : She had a 

very good Repute all over the Paridi^ and might have 

G z married 



7^ TJbe Twin-EJvak. 

married very handfomely, that I muft fay; bnt I don\ 
know how, we came together after a very kindly natural 
manner, and I fwore, that I mud fay, 1 did fwear con- 
foundedly, that I would marry her : But, 1 don't knovr 
how, I never car'd for marrying of her fince. 

Rfci. How fo ? 

True. Why, becaufe I did my Bufinefe without it: 
That was the bcft way, I thought — The Truth is, fre 
has fome foolifb Reafons to fay (he's with Child, and 
threatens mainly to have me taken up with a Warrant* 
and brought before a Juftice of Peace. Now, Sir, I intend 
to come before you, and I hope your Worlhip will bring 
me off. 

Rich, Look'c, Sir, if the Woman prove witKChild* 
and you fwore to marry her, you muft do't. 

True. Ay, Mafter; but 1 am for Liberty and Pro- 
perty. I vote for Parliament-men ; 1 pay Taxes, and 
truly I don't think Matrimony confident with the Liberty 
of the Subjedt. 

Rich. But in this Cafe, Sir, both Law and Juftice will 
oblige you. 

True. Why, if it be the Law of the Land—I found a 
Letter here — I think it is for your Worlhip. 

Rich, Ay, Sir, how came you by it ? 

True. By a very ftrange Accident truly — Clelga^-"^'^ 
Ihe fays here you fwore to marry her. Eh ! — Now, Sir, 
I fuppofe that what is Law for a Petty Conftable, may 
be Law for a Juftice of Peace. 

Rich. This is the oddeft Fellow 

True. Here was the t*other Lady that cried out fo — I 
warrant now, if I were brought before you for ravifhing 
a Woman— the Gallows wou'd raviih me for't. 

Rich. But I did not ravifh her. 

True. That Tm glad to hear : I wanted to be fore -of 
that. lAjSify. 

Rich. I don*t like this Fellow. Come, Sir, give me 
my Letter, and go about your Bufinefs ; I have no more 
to fay to you. 

True. But I have fomething to fay to you. 

TComitiF up t9 biMn 

Rich. What! 

True. Dog, \Strihs him. 

Rich. 



^Be Tmn- Rivals. 73 

Rith. Ha! firock by a Peafant ! [Dr^'ws.] S*ave, thy 
Death is certain. [Runs at Trueman. 

True. O brave Don ^ohn^ Rape and Murder in one 
Night! [Di/arms him. 

Rkb. Rafcat, return my Sword, and acquit your Pri- 
soners, elfe will 1 profecute thee to Beggary. I'll givfe 
ibme Petty-fogger a thoufand Pound to Itarve thee and 
thy Family according to Law. 

True, rJl lay you a thoufand Pounds yoa won't. 

[Di/co*vering him/elf. 

Rich, Ghofts and Apparitions ! Trucmon ! 

True, Words are needlefs to upbraid you ; my very 
Looks are fufficient ; and if you have the leaf) Senfe of 
Shame, tliis Sword wou'd be Mi painful in your Hearty 
than my Appearance is in your Eye. 

RUb. Truth, by Heavens. 

True. Think on the Contents of this [Jhs^ing a Letter'] 
think next on roe ; refled upon your Villainy to Jureiia, 
then view thyfelf. 

Rseh, Trueman, canft thou forgive me ? 

True. Forgive thee ! [J long Pau/e,'] Do one thing, and 
I will. 

Jticb, Any thing : — Ml beg thy Pardon. 

True. The Blow cxeufes that. 

Mich, ril give thee half my Eftate. 

True. Mercenary. 

Micb. ni make thee my fole Heir. 

True. I defpife it, 

Rtcb. What Ihall I do ? 

True, You (hall marry delta. 

Rich. How ! that's too hard. 

True. Too hard I Why was it then impos'd on me ? If 
you marry her yourfelf, I (hall believe you int;inded me 
no Injury : fo your Behaviour will be juftified, my Re- 
icntment appeased, and the Lady's Honour repaired, 

Rkb. *Tis infamous. 

True. No, by Heavens, 'tis Juftice, atid what is juft 
is honoorable : If Promifes from Man to Man have 

' Force, why not from Man to Woman ? Their very 

Weaknefs is the Charter of their Power, and they ftiould 
not be injur'cl, becanfe they can't return it. 

Rifh* Return my Sword. 

G 3, True^ 



^...». 



74 ^if^ Twin-Rwah. 

True. In my Hand 'tis the Sword of Jafiice, and f 
ibould not part with it. 

Rich. Then (heath it here, Til die before I Confent Co 
bafely. 

True, Confider, Sir, the Sword is worn for a diftin^ 
guiftiing Mark of Honour — Promife me one, and receive 
toother. 

Rich, ril promife nothing, till I have that in my 
Power. 

True. Take it. [Throws him his SnuortL 

Rich. 1 fcorn to be compcll'd even to Juftice; and now^ 
that I may refill, I yield. — Trueman^ I have injur'd thee,, 
ind CUlia I have feverely wronged. 

True. Wrong'd indeed^ Sir; — and to aggravate the 
Crime, ^he fair A^idled loves you. Marked you with* 
what Confufion (he received me ? She wept, the injured 
Innocence wept, and with a ftranee Rel usance gave 
confent ; her moving Softnefs pierc'd my Heart, tho* I* 
miftook the Caufe. 

Rich. Your youthful Virtue warms my Bread, and 
melts it into Tendernefs. 

True. Indulge it, Sir ; Juftice is noble in any Form ;; 
think of the Joys and Raptures will poffefs her, when 
ihe finds you inftead of me : You, the dear DilTembler^ 
the Man (he loves, the Man. ihe gave for loft, to find him 
true, returned, and in her Arms. 

Rich. No new Pofleflion can give equal joy : — It (hill 
be done, the Pried that waits for you (hall tie the Knot 
this Moment; in the Morning ill expedt you'll give me 
Joy. [£xi>; 

True. So, is not this better now than cutting of 
Throats I i have got my Revenge, and the Lady will 
have hers without Bloodihed. [Sxiti. 

SCENE changa to an Jpartment ; Conftance ani. 
6ervant» 

^er» He*s juft a coming up. Madam. 

Cc«, My Livility to this Man will be as gr«ata Con- 
ftraint upon me,^ as Rudenefs would be to his Brother;., 
but I mud bear it a littJt, becaufe our De(igns require it ;. 

Lfnter Y. Wou'dbe.] his Appearance diocks me : — Myt. 
ord, 1 Vf idi you Joy. 



Tire Twin^Ri^ah, 7^ 

Y. H^, Madam, 'tis only in your Power to give it ; 

Ind wou'd vou honour me with a Title to be really proud 

of, ii'fhouid be that of your hamblefl Servant. 

Con, I never admitted any body to the Tit'e of an 
irafflble ServanC, that I did not intend (hould command 
me ; if your Lordfhip will bear with the Slavery* yoa 
ihall begin when you pleafe, provided you take upon you 
the Authority when I have a mind. 

Y. JV, Our Sex, M§dam, make much better Lovers 
than Hufbands ; and I think it highly unreafonable, that 
you fhou'd put yourfelf in my Power, when you can fo 
abf. lutely keep me in yours. 

Con. No, my Lord, we never truly command till we 
have given our Promife to obey ; and we are never in 
more danger of being made Slaves, than when we have 
*cm ac our Feet. 

"f . W. True, Madam, the greateft Empires are in moil 
danger of falling : but it is better to be abfolute there, 
than to a£t by a Prerogative that is confinM. 

Con. Well, well, my Lord, I like the Conftitution we 
live under; Fm for a limited Power, or none ac all. 

y. }V, You have fo much the Heart of the Subjefl, 
Madam, that you may rule as you pleafe ; but you have 
weak Pretences to a limited Sway, where your Eyes 
have already play'd the Tyrant. -I think one Pri- 
vilege of the People is to kifs their Sovereign's Hand. 

\Takin^ her Hand. 

Con, Not till they have taken the Oaths, my Lord ; 
and he that refufes them in the Form the Law prefcribes, 
is, I think, no better than a Rebel. 

Y. IV. By Shrines and Altars, [Kn/ilin^] by all that 
yon think Juft, and J hold good, by this, [Taking her 
Hand'\ the faireft, and the deareft Vow — [Kijpng her Hand. 

Con. Fie, my Lord. [Seemingly yielding. 

¥• fF. Your Eyes are mine, they bring me Tidings 
from your Heart, that this Ni^ht I fhall be happy. 

Ccn, Would not you defpife a Conqueil fo eaiily 
gain*d ? 

V Y. ^. Yours will be the Conqueft, and I fhall defpife 
all the World but you. 

Con. But will you promife to make no Attempts upon 
jny Honour? 

G 4 Y.PF. 



y6 ^be Twin- Rival's. 

Y. W. That's foolifh. l^fi^e.} Not Angels font on 
MefTages to Earth, fhall viiic with more Innocence. 

Qfi. Ay, ay, to be fure.— [^^/(f] My Lord, V\\ fend 
one to condufl you. [Exit, 

Y. fV.'Hai, ha, ha {—no Attempts upon her Honour? 
When I can find the Place where it lies. Til tcU her 
more of my JMind. — Now do [ feel tea thoufand Cupids. 
tickling me all over with the Points of their Arrowb.— 
"Where's my Deformity now ? I have read fomewhere 
the(e Lines : 

Tho* Nature cafi me in a rugged Mouldy 
Since Fate has changed the Bullion into Goldy 
Cupid returns, breaks all his Shafts of Lead^ 
And tips each Arrowo nvith a Golden Head* 
Feathered tuith Title, the gay lordly Dart 
Flies frcudly on, njuhUJl e'very Virgin* s Heart 
SwM HAjith Ambition to receive the Smart, 



\ 



Enter Elder WouMbc behind him. 
E. W. Thus to adorn Dramatic Sto^, 
, Stage Hero fir uts in borronjS'd Glory , 
Fraud and Auguft as e*Ver Manfa*Wf 
And ends his tmpire in a Stan%a, 

[Slaps him on die Shoulder. 

'y,W. Ha! my Brother! 

E. W. No, perfidious Man ; all Kindred ind Rela- 
tion I difown : The poor Attempts upon my Fortune I 
cou'd pardon, but thy bafe Defigns upon my Love, I 
can never forgive ; — my Honour, Birthright, Riches, All 
J could more freely fpare, than the leaft Thought of thy 
prevailing here. 

Y. W. How ! my Hopes deceived ; cnrs^d be the fair 
Delufiona of her Sex ; whilft only Man oppos'd my Cun- 
ning, J flood fecure ; but foon as Woman inttrpos'd^ 
Luck changM Hands, and the Devil was immediately on' 
her fide.— ^ell. Sir, much good may do you with your 
I^illrefs» and may you lovfe and live, and llarve together. 

\Going. 

E. W. Hold, Sir, T was lately your Prifoner, now yoa 
are mine ; when the J^^^^C^ment is e;cecuti:d, you ftuH be 
4t Liberty, 



Tie Twin-Rivds. 77 

Y. W. Eeaincnt ! 

E. W, "Scs, Sir, by this time, I hope, my Friends 
have purged my Father's Hoafe of that debauch'd' and . 
i-iotQus Swarm that yoir had hiv'd together. 

Y. W^ ConAifion^ Sir, let me pals ; I am the Elder, 
and will be qbey'd. [Draws^ 

E. ^. Dar'ft thou difpute the Elderfhip fo nobly ? 

Y. IV. I d^e, and will, to the lafi Drop or my inve« 
teraie Blood. \Theyfgbt. 

Enter Trueman and Tcague. Trueman Jirtkes down their 
Siuords, 

True. Hold, hold f my Lord, I have brought thofc 
flurll foon decide the Controverfy. 

Y. ff. IF I miHake not^ this is the Villain that decoy 'd 
me abroad. 

[Runs at Trueman, Teague catchei his Arm behind^ 
and takes a'OJCty bis Sivord, 

Tea. Ay» be me Shoule, thifh ifli the be(ht Guard 
upon the Rules of Fighting, to catch a Man behind his 
Back. 

Trui. My Lord, a Word : [Wbi/pers E, Wou'dbe.] 
Now, Gentlemen, pleafe to hear this venerable Lady. 

[Goes to the Doer and brings in Midnight. 

E. W. Midnight in Cuftody ! 

Tees, In my Cuflitody, fet.. 

TrM$» Now, Madam, you know what Panifhment is 
^ftiffiM for the Injury offered ta Aurelia, if you don't im* 
mediately confefs the Truth. 

Msd^Thtu I muft own, (Heaven forgive me) [f^eefing^ 
Itan&oWUt ihsLtHermeSf as he was itill efteem'd, fo he 
is Ch« Firft-born. 

Tea. A very honeft Woman, be me Shoule. 

Y. J^. That Confeilion is extorted by Fear, and there- 
fore of 00 Force. 

Tnn^ Ay, Sir, but here is your Letter to her, with 
the Ink fcarce dry, where you repeat your Offer of Five 
IKitfdred Pound a Year to (wear in your Behalf. 

'Toeu Dat was Teague*s Ending out, and I believe St. 
Psurkkf^ it in my Thoughts to pick her Pocl'wts. 

G 1; Enter 



71^ T&e Tivin-Rivalii 

Enter Conftance and Aurelia. 

Con, I hope, Mr« Woud'be^ you will make no Attempts^ 
upon my Perfon. 

¥• W. Damn your Perfon. 

E. W. But pray. Madam, where haive yoa been all: 
this Evening ? [Ttf.Aurelia. 

Jur, Very bufy^ I can afTure you, Sir; here's an ho- 
»efl Conflable that I could find in my Heart to marry ». 
Jhad the greafy Rogue but one Drop of- genteel Blood in^ 
his Veins; what's become of him ?- {hooking about ^, 

Con, Blefs me,, Coufin, marry a Condable !: 

Jur, Why truly^ Madam, if that Conftablc had not. 
oome in a very critical Minute, by thii Time I had been; 
glad to marrr any Body. 

Trui,.l take you at your Word, Madam, you fhaU: 
marry him this Moment; and if you don't fay that L 
have genteel Blood in my Veins by to-morrowMorning-^ 

Jur, And was it you. Sir ? 

True. Look'e, Madam, don*t be afham'd; I found' 
you a little in dijhabillt^ that's the. truth oa't, but yoa? 
made a brave Defence. 

Jur. I am oblig'd to you ; and tho* you were a Ihtlc 
whimfical to-day, this late Adventure has taught me ho W' 
dangerous it is to provoke a Gentleman by ill Ufage; 
therefore, if my Lord and this Lady will (hew us agood^ 
Example, I think we mu^ follow our Leaders^ , Captain,. 
^7rui, As boldly as when Honour trails* 

Con. My Lord, there was taken apong your Brother's 
jovial Crew, his Friend SubtUman^ whom we have takeiif 
care to fecure^ 

E. ^. Forhim the tillory; forjonj Mad&m*— 

\T9 Midtiighl.. 

5r#tf. Be me Shoale, (he /hall be mariieid to Maiftto^ 
lulUr, 

£. W, For you, Brother!'— 

y. W, Poverty and Contempt 

Ttf fwhich lyie'das to a mitdtr Fate^^ 

Tban Obligations from the Man I batt^ [Exit. 

E. W. Then take thy Wiih And now, I hope, all 

Parties have receiv'^ their doc Rewards and Paniihmenti. 
Jta. But what will you do for poor Teagm, Maiihter ? 



The Twin-Rivals. 79 

E. jr. What (hall I do for thee ? 

Tia. Arah, maak me a Jaftice of Pealh, dear Joy. 

£. JiT.. Jaftice of Peace I thou art not qualified* Man; 

Tml Yttt, fet am I— ~I can take the Oats* and write 
njr Mark— r can be an. honefht Man myOielf* and keep 
a great Rogue for my Clerk. 

£. IF. Well, well, you (hall be taken Care of; and 
now. Captain, we/et out for Happmcfs. ■ 1 ■ 



Let none defpair; lobate^er their Fortunes he^ 
Fortune muft yields tjuou^d Men hut aQ like me. 
Chufe a brave Friend as Part'ner ofyour Breaftf 
Be a£live when your Right is in Contefi ; 
£e true to Love, and Fate will do the refi^ 



\ 




BPI- 



f . «<» J 




E p I L o Gf tr E. 

Spofccnr by A ur r e l i A. 



f)UR Poet opened nvitb a loud tunrlike Blajlf 

^ But notw nueak Woman is hisfafeft Cafi, 

To bring him off with Quarter at the loft : 

Not that he^j vain to think, that I can Jay, 

Of he can nx^ritefine Things to help the Play, 

The fvariout Scenes have drained his Strength and Art ;. 

And h you kno^-w^ had a hard Jfrug^ling PxLrt : 

But then he brought me offnuith Life and Limb \- 

Ah ! Wou^d that t cou*d do as much for him^-'-^ 

Stay, let me think — yvttr' Fonfom's to^ excite, 

Iftill mufi aa the Parf^ If^^d ier^nigbt* 

For ^whatJeeW may heyoutjiy^ Pretence 9 

Yau like tbofe beft tBaf mah tie Ikft Defence : 

But this is needlefs^^^Tiiin^^ain to crave itf 

Jfyou have damned the Play, no Power can favi it »• 

ifot ail the Wits ^Athens, and of Rome ; 

Not Shakefpcare, Johnfon, cou*d revoke its Doom :■ 

Nay, vohai is more if once your Anger roufet^ . 

Not all the courted Beauties of hot h Houfes, 

He vooiCd hoFve ended hert,'^but I thought matf 

To tell him there vtas left onefafe Retreat, 

froteHionfaered at the Ladies Feet. 

To that he anfiwer*d in Jubmffsve Strom, 

He paid ail Homage to this Female Reign, 

Akttherefere turn' d his Satyr ^gainft the Mew. 

From your great ^een, this fovereign Right yi draw, 

To keep the With *^ A '-^^ IVorld, in Avttn 



E p r L o .G u e: 

r ifigbt Sceptre, your bright Eyei thej iow ;. 

0W3fml Splendor Jits on e*very Broto^ 

tatuUUon the Sex oufrr Treajon now. 

^Uff can tell with lubai poetic Caret 

honied to redrefs the injured Fair, 

\fjou tuon^t proteB, the Man nuilldamn him there. 

fave the Mufi that flies to you for Aid\ 

2ps my poor Requefi may fomt per/uade, 

ife it it thefirft I ever made^ 




THE 



T H E; 



Recruiting Officer r 

C O M E D Y. 

As it is Acted at th« 

THE A T R E.R O Y A.L 

eOTENT garden;. 



• Captique dolts, donifque coaBi, 

Vir. Lib. II. i£neid. 



I O N D O N: 

IiintcdforT. Caslon, and T. Lowndbk 



M«DCC,LXXII. 



[ 3 ] 



TO ALL 

Friends round the Tf^rekin. 



My Lords and Gentlmtnt 

INflcad of the mercenary ExpeAationi that attend Ad- 
, drefles of thii Nature, I hiunbly beg that this may be 
fcceived as an Acknowledgment for the Favours yoi* 
have already conferred ; I have tranf^eiTed the Rules 
of Dedication, in offering you any thing in that Stile^ 
without ?ir^ aflcing your Leave : But the Entertainmenl 
I found in Shropfi>irei commands me to be grateful, and 
that's all I intend. 

It wa»my good Fortune to be ordered fome time ago 
into the Place which is made the Scene of this Comedy; 
I was apcrfeA Stranger to every thing mSalopy but its 
C^ra^er of Loyalty, the Number of its Inhabitants, the 
Aiacrity of the Gentlemen in Recruiting the Army, with 
their generous and hofpitable Reception of Strangers. 
^ This Charadter I found fo amply verified in every Par- 
UCttlap, that you made Recruiting, which is the greateil 
Faitigiie upon £af th to others, to be the greated Pleafur e. 
ifit the World f me. 

TjNf Kingdom cannot fhew^ better Bodies of Men^ . be t-^ 
icr IncUiiattona for the Service, more Generofity, more- 
good Underilanding, nor more Politeneisj than is to. be 
S>tnid- at the Foot of the Wrekin, 

SoHie little Turns of Humour that I metwi^ almolt 
within the Shade of that famous Hill, gave the Rife to 
ihia Cogiedy ; and People wei-e apprehenfive that, by the 

Examgle.- 



4 ^he Epiftle Dedicatory/ 

Example of fome others, I would make the Town mtrtf 
at the Expence of the Country-gentlemen : But they for** 
got that I was co write a Comedy, not a Libel ; and that 
whim 1 held to Nature, no Perfon of any Character i» 
your Couiitry could fufFcr by being expos'd. I have 
drawn the J u (lice and the Clown in (heir Puris Natura-^ 
libtts ; the one an apprehenfive, fturdy, brave B4ockhead; 
and the other a worthy, honeft, generous Gentleman, 
hearty in his Country's Caufe, and of as good an Under- 
ilanding as I could give him, which I rouft confefs is far 
ihon of his owft. 

I humbly beg leave to interline a Word or two of the 
Adventures of the Recrwtin^ Officer up n ihe Ftage. Mr. 
Rich, who commands the Comj^any for which thofe Re- 
cruits were raifed, has defired me to acquit him before 
the World of a Charge which he thinks lies heavy upon 
him, for aftingthis Play on Mt. Durfeyh third Night. 

Be it knonjoM untv all Men, iv thefe Pre/ents, That it ivas 
my jIS and Deed^ or rather Mn Durfef% ; for he 'would 
play his third Night againft the firll of mine. He brought 
down a huge Flirht of frightful Birds upon me ; when 
(Heaven knows) J had not a feather'd Fowl ia my Play, 
except one fingle ICtte : But I prefendy made Piume b 
Bird, becaufe of his Name, and Bras^n another, becaufe 
of the Feather in his Hat ; and with thefe three I engaged 
his whole Empire, which I think was as great a frondfr 
as any in the Sun. 

But to anfwer his Complaints more gravely, the Seafon 
was far advanced ; the Officers that made the ^reateft 
Figures in my Play were all commanded to their Pofti 
abroad, and waited only for a Wind, which might pof- 
fibly turn in lefs than a Day: And I know none df Mr. 
Durftys Birds that had Potts abroad bnt his fFo^dcocks^ 
and their Seafon is over ; fo that he might put off a Day 
with lefs Prejudice than the Recruitittg Officer could ; who 
has this farther tafay for himfelf, thatJie was pofted be- 
fore the other fpoke^ and could not with credit recede 
from his Station. 

Thefe and fome other Rubs this Comedy met with 
before it appeared. But on the other hand, it had 
powerful Helps to fet it forward : The Duke o£ Ormcnd 
encouraged the Aiuhor^. and. the Earl of Orretj approved 

the 



Tie Epifile Dedicatory. 5 

ly. My RicruitJ were rtvirwed by my General and 
(uul^ and could not fail to pa/s Mufter ; and ftili 
to my Saccdsy they were raifed amoa^ roy Friends 
'irWrekin. 

B Health has the Advantage over oar other cele- 
Toads, never to grow worfe for the Wearing : 
lafling Beauty, old without Age, and common 
It Scandal. That you may live long to fet it 
illy round, and to enjoy the abundant Pleafure* 
r/air and plentiful Country^ is the hearty WiQi oC 

My Lords and Gentlemertf 

Tour moft Oiltgid, 

And mofl ciedfifU ServoMtf 



G. FARQ.UHAR,. 



T H B 



i^i 



C 6 1 



THE 



PROLOGUE. 



JN anttint Timef nvhtn Hellen*^9 fatal Cbarmr 

Rouz^d the contending Um*verfe to Armt^ 
7Jbe Graecian Council happily deputes 

7 be Jly UlyfTcs forth to raife Recruits. 

Tbe artful Captain, founds ^without Dilqy^^ 

Where Great Achilles, a Deferter^ lay. 

Him Fate had nuarttd to Jhun the Trojan Blo'ws :■ 

Him Greece required againft their Trojan Foeu 

All their recruiting Arts ijoere needful here^ 

To raife this greats this tijrCrous Volunteer. 

Ulyffes lAjell could talk — be firs, he nxarms 

The nvarlike Youths-He lift ens to the Charms 

Of Plunders^ fine lac*d Coats ^ and glitf ring Arms. 

ITlyfles caught the young afpiring Boy^ 

And lifted him miho 'wrought the Fate of Troy. 

Thus by Recruiting ivas bold Hc^or fain: 

Recruiting thus fair Hellen did regain. 

If for one Hellen fuch prodigious Things 

iVere aBed^ thai they even l^ed Kings | 

If for one Hellen's artful, <uicious Charms, 

half the tranf ported TVorld <was found in Arms ; 

What for fo many Hellens may we dare, 

tVhofe Minds as well as Faces are fo fair V 



PROLOGUE. 

xf Hellen's Eyes, OU Greece cot^d find 
imerfir^dto 'write , ev*n Homer blind i 
ritoos fure beyond compare may ixjrite^ 
vi9^/o mofy Hellens e-vty Night. 




D R A- 



DRAMATIS PERSONJE. 

^C OVEN T.GARDEN, J772. 

MEN. 



Captain Plume, 


Mr. Smith. 


Worthy, 


Mr. Du-Billamy. 


juftice Bal lance ^ 


Mr. Hull. 


Buliock, 


Mn DunfialL 


Captain Brazen, 


Mr. Wood<ward, 


Kite, 


Mr. Morris^ 




WOMEN, 


Mdinda, 


Mrs. Baker. 


Sji*via, 


Mrs. Lejpngham. 


Lucy, 


Mrs. ?itt. 


Rtfe, 


Mrs, Kni'veton, 



Conftable, Recruits, Mob$ Servwts and AttendanU. 



5CENE, SHREfFSBURr. 



w y» .i»iM^<>^fc > <gN t> 

v^ ^\ ^^ ••% ^\ ^^ ^^ i^i /^ ^s ^^ 



THE \ 



Recruiting Officer. 



ACT I. 

SCENE, The Markef -Place. Drumbeats 

the Granadier-march. 

Enter Serjtant Kite, folJonv*/^ by Thomas AppIe-TrCfi, 
Coltar Pear-main, and the Mob. 

Kite«f<7<f/»f *^i<^'^c£'^F any Gentlemen Soldiers, or 
A Speech. 4r* 5t^^^ others, have a mind to ferve 
4ft^ J ^3* her Majefty, and pull down 
^W\ )fe3* ^^^ French King : If any 
*0k.^^ ^r 'P^^'^^^ces have fevere Matters, 
^S^SarSjf'Sftf'* any Children have undutiful 
Parents : If any Servants have too little Wages, or any 
Halband too much Wife : Let them repair to the noble 
Serjeant Kite, at the Sign of the Ranjin, in this good 
Town of SbrenjL'Jhury, and they fhall receive prefent Re- 
lief and Entertiinment. Gentlemen, I don't beat 

my Drums here to infnare or inveigle any Man, for yoa 

muft know, Gtntlemen, that I am a Man of Honour : 

Beiides, I doa't beat up for ccumon Soldiers; no^ I lift 

2 only 



10 The RtcruUing Offiar. 

t)nly Granadiers, Granadiers« Gcntlcmen-^Pray, Gtn* 
tlemen, obferve this Cap— i his is the Cap of UoDoar, 
it dubs a Man a Gentleman in the drawingof a.Trickef i 
«nd he that has the good Fortune to be born fix Foot 
iiigh, was born to be a grtfat Man— -Sir, will you give 
me leave to try this Cap upon your Head? 

Coft. Is there no harm in't ? Won'^t the Cap lift me ? 

Kite, No, no, no more than I can— -Come, let mc 
^ee how it becomes you, 

Cofi, Are you fure there be no Conjuration in it ? No 
Gunpowder Plot upon me ? 

Kite. No, no. Friend ; don't fear, Man. 

Coft. My Mind mifgives me plaguUy — Let me fee it 
^Going to put rt on"] It fmells woundily of Sweat and . 
Brimftone. SmeWTummaf^ 

Tho. Ay, wauns does it. 

Coft, Pray, berjeant, what Writing is. thi« upbc the 
Face of it ? 

Kite. The Crown, or the Bed of Honour. 

Cofl, Pray row, what may be that fame Bed of Ho» 
nour ? 

Kiie. O ! a mighty large Bed ! bigger by half than the 

• great Bed at ^^ir^i— '— ten thoufand People may lie in it 
together, and never feel one another. 

Coft, My Wife and 1 would do well to lie in't, for wc 
tibn't care for feeling one another.— —«fiut do Folk ileep 
found in this fame Bed of Honour. 

Kite-. Sound > Ay, fo found that they never Vake* 
Coft. Wauns. I I wilh again that my Wife lay there. 

Kite, Say you fo! Then, I. find, Brother — 

Coft, Brother ! Hold there Friend ; I am no Kindred 
to you that I know of yet Look*e» Serjeant, no 

• Coaxing, no Wheedling, d'ye fee— If I have a ipind to 

lift, why fo If not, why *tis not fo—— therefore take 

.your Cap and your BrotherOiip back again, for I am 

not difpofed at this prefent Writing No Coaxing, no 

jBrorhering me. Faith. 

Kite. I coax ! I wheedle ! I'm above it ! Sir, I have 
feiv'd twenty Campa:;^^ii5 — But, Sir, you talk well, and 
J mull own ;! .^t yn; are a Man every Inch of yen, a 

pretry youn;; :f rij''..;', Kellow 1 love a Fellow with a 

Sp.rit; hvrl'i ic^:.. t:> coax, 'lis bale: Tho' 1 xnuil fay, 
^ that 



Tie Recruiting Officer. 1 1 

%Mt never in my Life had T feen « Man belter built ! 
iow firm and ftrong he treads ! He ftept like a CalUe ; 
bat I fcom to wheodle any Man^Come Jioneft Lad, will 
yon take Share of a Pot-? . 

Coji. Nay, for that Matter, 1*11 fpend my Penny with 
the bed he that wears a Head, that is, begging your 
Pardon, Sir, and in a fair Way. 

Kite. Give me your Hand then ; and now Gentlemen, 
I have no snore to fay, but this— Hate's a Purfe of Gold, 
and there is a Tub of -humming Ale at my Quarters'—— 
'Tis the Queen's Money, and the Queeo'a Drink — She's 

a generous Qucea, and loves her Subjeds 1 hope. 

Gentlemen, you won't rcfufe the Queen's Health ? 
M M»t. No, no, no. 

Kite, Huzza then ! huzza for the Queen, and the Ho- 
nour of Shrofjbire, 

Ml MoL Huzza ! 
" Kite. Beat Drum. [Exeunt Shoutings Drum ifeating ef 
Grenadier^ s March, 

Enter Plume in a Riding Bahit. 
Plume, By the Grenadier March that (hou'd be my 
Dmm ; and by that Shout, it ihou'd beat with Succefs 
—Let me fee — Four o'Clock— -[Ziotfi/«^ en hit Watch ] 
At Ten Yciierday Morning 1 left London A hun- 

dred and twenty Miles in thirty Hours is pretty fmart 
Riding, but. nothing to the Fatigue of Recruiiiog. 
Enter Kite. 
Kite^ Welcome to Shre^fiury^ noble Captain : From the 
Banks of the Danube to the Severn Side, noble Captain, 
you're welcome. 

Pluau. A very elegant Reception indeed, Mr« Kite. 
I ^nd you are fairly enter'd into your Recruiting Strain : 
-r^rayjwhtt.Saccels ? 

Kite, 1 have been here a Week, and I have recruited 
live! 

Plnmi. Five ! Pray what are they ? 
Kite. I have lifted the firong Man of Kentt the King 
of the GjpfieSi a Scotch Pedlar, a Scoundrel Attorney, 
and a Welch Parfon. 

Plume. An Attorney ! Wert thou mad? Lift a Lawyer ! 
Difcharge him, difcharge him this Minute. 
Kite. Why, Sir \ 
Vol. 11, H Plume. 



12 Tie Rfcruhing Officer. 

Plume. Bccaufe I will have Nobody in. n^ Company 
that can write ; a Fellow that can write> can draw-Peti* 
tions — I fay this Nflinute difcharge him. 

Kite. And what (hall I do with the Parfon ^ 

Plum. Can he write i 

Kite. Hum f He plays rarely npon thePidcHe. 

Plume. Keep him by all means Bat how ftands the 

Country afFeded i Were the People pleas'd with the 
News of my coming to Town ? 

Kite. Sir, the Mob are fo pleasM with your Honour, 
and the Jullices and better Sort of People are £o delight- 
ed with me, that we ihall feon do your Bufinefs ~^« 

But, Sir» you have goi; a Recruit here that you little 
chink of. 

Plume. Who? 

Kite. One that yon beat «p for th;e lad time you fitn 
an the Country : You remember your old Friend Millj at 
the Cattle? 

Plume. She's not with Child, I hope. 

Kite. No, no. Sir— fhe was brought to bed Yefterday* 

Plume. Kite, you muft father the Child. 

Kite. And fo her Friends will oblige me to marry the 
Mother. 

Plume. If th^y fhouM, w^^ll take her with us ; (he cam 
waih you know, and make a Bed upon occafion. 

Kite. Ay, or unmake it upon occafioa. But your 
Honour knows that I am married alfeady. 

Plume. To how many I 

Kite. I can't tell readily— i hare iet them down here 
upon the back of the Mufler-roU. [Draws it out."] Let 
me (tt-^ Imprimis^ Mrs. Sbely Snikerejes^ (he fells Potatoes 
upon Ormond Key in DutUn — Peggy Guzxle, the Brandy 
Woman, at the Horfe-Guards at IVlniehall-^Doffj ^etg* 
gon^ the Carrier's Daughter at ^«//~— Mtdamoifefle 
ran-hottom-flat at the Bufs — ^1 hen Jenny Oakbam^ die 
Ship Carpenter's Widow, at Portfmoutb \ but I, don't 
reckon upon her, for (he was marned at the fame Time 
to two Lieutenants of Marines, anfl a Man of War's 
Bo&tfwain. 

Plume. A full Company-^ You have nam'd five— — 
Come, ma;c 'em half a dozen {^-iT/Vi^— is the Child a 
Boy or a Girl ? 

KU$. 



ftbe Recruiting Officer. i^ 

Kifi. A Cheeping Boy. 

Ptmau. Then let the Mother down in yoar Lift, and 
the Boy in mine : Enter him a Grenadier by the Name 

of Francis Kite, abfent opon Furlow I'll allow you a 

Man's Pay for his Subd^nce, and now go comfort the 
Wench in the Straw. 

Kite. 1 fliall. Sir. 

Plume. But ho1d» have you iriade any u(e of your Cer^ 
matt Dodor^s Habit fince you arrived ? 

Kite. Yes, yes, Sir, and my Fame^s all about the 
Country for the moil faithful Fortune-teller that ever told 
« Lie. — I was obliged to let. my Lai^dlord into the Secret^ 
for the Convenience of keeping it fo ; but he's an honeil 
Fellow, and will be faithful to any Roguery that is 
trnfted to him. I'his Device, Sir, will get you Men» 
and me Money, which, I think,' is all we want at pre* 
fcnt — But yonder comes your Friend, Mr. If^ertbf, ■ ■ 
Has your Honour any farther Commands ? 

Plume. None at prefent. {Exit Kite.] 'Tis indeed the 
FiAure of Worthy^ but the Life*s departed. 

Enter Worthy. 
What, Arms a-crofs, Worth! Methinks you (hould hold 
Vm open, when a FriendV io near — Tne Man has got 
the Vapours in his Ears, Lbelieve : I muft expel this 
iDclancholy Spirit, 

Spleen^ thou wrft ef Fiend§ htle*i»^ 
tly^ I cenjure thee^ hj this Magi< Blono. 

^ : [Slaps Worthy w the Shealder. 

Wer.Phmtl my dear Captain* welcome. Safe and 
fimndretoiyi'dl 

JP/mm. 1 'ic4>'d fafe from Germany, and Ibund, I hope^ 
from LenJen ;' you fee I have loft neither Leg, Arm, nor 
Nofe : Then for my Iniide, 'tis neither troubled with 
Sympathies jior Antipatkiet l and f have an excellent 
j^tomach.' for Road^Beef. 

War. Thoa art a happ]^ Fellow, once I was fo. 

Plsmc What ails thee, Man? No Inundations nor 
&aithquakc;s in Wales, 1 hope ? Has your Father rofe 
fiom uie l)ead, and re-aifum'd his Mate I 

W^. No. 

Pkm. Then you are married furely, 

H 2 IVftt. 



14 Xhe Recruiting Officer. 

Wor. No. 

Plumi, Then yoa are mad, or turning Quaker* 

Wor, Come» I muft out with it — — Your once gay* 
joving Friend, is dwindled into an obfequious, thoughc* 
ful, romantic, conf(ant Coxcomb. 

Plume. And pray what is all this for? 

Wcr, For a Woman. 

Tiume. Give me thy Hand : If thou go to that, behold 
me as obfequious, as thoughtful, and as confUnt a Cox- 
comb as your Worfliip. 

If^or. For whom ? 

Plume, For a Regiment -But for a Woman ! -*Sdcath! 
I have been conilaat to fifteen at a time, but never me- 
lancholy for one, and can the Love of one brinj? you into 
this Condition ? Pray, who is this wonderful Hghen ! 

Wer. A Hellen indeed* not <o Jbe won under a tea Yean 
Sieee, as great a Beauty and as grea^t a Jilt. 

Plume. A Jilt ! Pho I Is {he as gr^ai m Whore ? 

Wcr. No, no. 

Flume. 'Tis ten thoafand pities : Bat who is (he ? l)o 
I know her? 

Wor. Very well. 

Plum. That's impofliblc— I know no Wom*n tbot will 
liold out a ten Year*s Siege. 

fVer. What think ye of MelMa f 

Plume. IfUlinda I Why fhe began to Capitulate this 
time Twelve-month, ana offered to Surrender upon ho« 
nourable Terms ; and I advis'd you to propofe a Settle* 
ment x>f five hundred Pouads t-Year to her, beforo I 
went laft abroad. 

Wor. I did, and (he hearken'd to it, defiring only one 
Week to. confider When, beyond her Hopes, the 

Town was re}iev'd> and \ forc'd to turn my Siegr into » 
blockade. 

plume. Explain, explain. 

Wor. My Lady Richly^ her Aont in f Umpire dies, and 
leaves hf^y at this critical Time, twenty thon(and Poanda, 

Plume. Oh the Devil I What a delicate Woman was 
there fpoil'd! 3ut by the Rules of War nowr-IP*r/ify, 
Blockade was (boli(h<- After fuch a Convoy of Provifions 
Avns enter'd the Place, yoa could have no thought of 
/educing it by famine ; you ihould have redooblcd your 

Acuck^ 



The RecruUing Officer. $• 

Attacks, taken the Town, by Storai» or Iiave died upor. 
the Breach. 

. ff^or». I did make one general AiTiult, and piifh*d it 
with all my Forces ^ but I was To vigoroudy repuU'd, 
that defpairing of ever gaining hrr for a Miftrefs, 1 havft 
altered my Condudr given my Addrcffct the obrcquiouf 
and diilant Turn, andcourt her now for a Wife. 

Plume. So as you grew Obfequious^ (he grew Haugli- 
ty; and becaufe you approach*a her as a (uoddefs, (he 
us*d you like a Dog. 

ff'or. Exaaiy. 

* Plume, 'lis the way of 'era all.— —Come, JVo't^w 
yoar obfequious and diilanc Airs will never brin^ you 
together ; you mu(b not think to furmojiU her Pride by 
your trumility : VVou'd you bring her t > better Thouzhu 
of you, (he mnft be reduced to a meaner Opinion of her- 
ielt. Let me fee, the very firil thing that I would do, 
' (hould be to lie with her Chamber-maid, and hire ttiiee 
or four Wenches in the Neighbourhood to report that I 
had got them with Lhild— — Suppoie we L^mpoon'd all 
the pretty Women in Town, and left her out ; or, what 
if W0 made a Ball, and forgot to invite Iler with one or 
two of the Uglielb. 

Wor. Thefe wou'd be Mortifications, I mud confer: 
but we live in fuch a precife, dull Place, that we can 
have no Balls, no Lampoons, no 

Plume. What ! no Baftards ! and fo many Recruiting 
Officers' in Town ! ] thought *twas a Maxim amnu^ 
them, to leave as many Recruits in the Country as they 
carried out. 

iVor. Nobody doubts yoor good Will, noble Captain, 
in ferving your Country with your bell Blood, witnefs 
ear Friend Jlitf/i^ at iheCaftle; there have .been Tears 
in Town about that Bu/inefs, Captain. 

Plume. 1 hope Sybvid has not heard of it. 
,W§r. O, Sir, have you thought of her ? 1 began to 
fimcy yon had forgot poor Sylvia. 

Plums. Your Affairs had quite put mine out of my^ 
Head. *Tis true, Sjlvia and I had once agreed to go 
to Bed together, could we have adjulUd Preliminaries; 
but (he wou'd have the Wedding before Confumma- 
doo, as I was for Confummation before the Wedding ; 
H 3 we 



1 6 fi^e Recruiting O^cer. 

we cou'd not agree. She was a pert, obftinate Foc^^ 
and wQtt'd lofe her Maidenhead her-own way, fo (he m^jr 
kceo it for Plume. 

iror-s But do yoa intend to marry upon no other Coji- 
ditions ? 

Plume. Your Pardon, Sir, Til maryy upon no Condi- 
tion at all.-— — If I fhould, I am refolv'd nevpr to bind 
myfelf to a Woman for my whole Life, till I know whe- 
ther I ihall like her Company for half an Hour. Sup-- 

pofe I married a Woman that wanted a Leg fuch a 

thing might be, unlefs I examined the Goods before- 
hand— — if People would but try one anothci's Confl^a- 
tions before they engag'd» it would prevent all tbefe 
Elopements, Divorces, and the Devil knows what. 

Wor. l^SLjj for that matter, the Town did not Hick X9 
^Yf that — 

P/tmf. I hate Country-towns for that Reafon ■■ if 
yottr Town has a dilhonourable Thought of Sylvia^ it 

deferves to be burnt to the Ground. J lovft Sylwa, I 

admire her frank, generous Difpofition— There's fome- 
thing in that Girl more than Wom)»n, her Sex is but (a 
Foil to her. The Ingratitude, DiflimulatAn, Envy, 
Pride, Avarice, and Vanity of her Sifter Females, do 
but iet off their Contraries in her — In (hort, were I onco 
a General, I would marry her. 

ITer. Faith, you have Reaibn-—i^for were you but a 
Corporal, (he wou'd niarry you— —But my Meiimla co- 
quets it with every Fellow (he fees — 1*11 lay Fifty Poan4s 
flie makes I.dve to you. 

P/ume, ril lay you a Hundred that I return it» if (he 
does— — Look'e, IVcrthy^ TU Win her, and ^ve her to 
you afterwards. 

Wor, If you win her, you ftall wear ker, Faith ; 
I would not value the Conquefl, without the Credit of 
the Victory. 

Entir Kite. 

Kite. Captain, Captain, a W^ord in your Car. 

Plume. You may /peak out, here are none but Friends. 

Kite, You know. Sir, that you fenl me to' comfort the 
f{ od Woman in the Siraw, Mrs. Molly — my Wife, Mr. 
Worthy. 

Wor. O ho! very well, I wifliyou Joy^ Mr^ Bu. 



tit^^crmting Officer. ity 

; Y<Mir Worlbip very well mty-^— -fcr I have got 
. Wife and Child in half an Hour— <^But as I was 
—You fcnt me to comfort Mrs. JW!»/^r— my Wife I 
-'But what d'ye thuak>. Sir ^ 8he was better corn- 
before I cams. 
M9, As how I 

. Why, Sir, a Footman' in" a blbc livery had 
lit her ten Guineas to buy her Baby Clothes. 
ne. Who, in the Name of Wonder could fend 

^ Nay^ Sir, I muft whifper that— Mm. Syl<Dia. 

min Syhim / Generous Creaturel 
^. Sylwa^ lm^o&ki6\ 

u Here are the Goincae, Sir.-— I tooft the' Gold as' 
if my Wifc*8 Portiouv Nay, farther. Sir, (he fent 
the Child (honld be taken all imaginable Care of, 
lat (he intended to Hand God*mptfaer. The fame 
ian,.its I was coming to you «rith this News, caird 
ne, and told me, that his Lady would fpeak with 
[ went, and upon hearing that you were come to 
4 mt gate me half a Guinea for the News ; and 
d me to tell you, that Juftice Ballanctt her Father* 
» juft come cot of the Country, would be glad to 

wtf. There's a GirT for youj Worthy^ — Is there any 

of 'Woman in this? No, 'tis noble, generous, 
' Friend (hip j ihew me another Woman that would 
Q Inch of her" Prerogative that way, without Tears, 

and Reproaches. The common Jealou fy of her 
which is nothing but their Avarice of Pleafure, (he 
es ; and can part with the Lover, tho' (he dies for 
laii— — -Come, ^i^r/^;-— Where's the beft Wine ? 
liere I'll, quarter. 

r. Horton has a fre(h Pipe of choice Barcelona^ 
1 1 would not let him pierce before, becaufe i re- 

the Maidenhead of it for yonr Welcome to Town. 
im§. Let's away then — Mr» Kite, go to the Lady 

my humble Service, and tell her, I (hall only 
h a little, and wait upon her. 
»r. Hold, iT/Vf,— have you fccn the other Recruit^ 
:aptain ? 

H 4 Kitt. 



1 8 The Recruiting Officer. 

Kile N9, Sir, I'd have yon to know I don't keep facu3 
Company, 
' Phme. Another \ Who is he ?. 

If'or^ My Rival in the firft place» and the moft unac- 
countable Fellow but rU tell you more at we go. ' 

[^Exeunt, 

SCENE, An JpartmtnK 
Melinda and Sylvia nuttii^. 

Mel. Welcome to Town, Cooiin Syl<via^ [Safute,']\ 
tnvy'd you your Retreat in the Country t far Slnw^'^jf 
methinks, and all your Heads of Shir^s> are the moft 
irregular Places for living ; here we have Smbak, Noife, 
Scandal, AfFeftation, and Pretenfion ; in ihort, every 
thing to give the Spleen— -and nothing to divert it-* then 
the Air is intolerable. 

SjJ. O Madam! I have heai?d the Town commended 
for its Air. 

Mtir But you don't confider, Sjhia, how long I have 
lived' in*c ! for 1 can affure you, that to a Lady, tbe leaft 
nice in her Conftitution — n6 Air can be good^bove half 
a Year. Change of Air, I take to be the mofiPagreeable 
of any Variety ui Life. 

Sj/. A9 you fay, Couiin M^indm, there are feveral 
foit of Airi. 

Met i'lhaw 1 I talk only of the Air we breathe, or 

more properly of that we talle Have not you, Sjivia, 

found a vaft difference in the Tafle of Airs ? . ' 

SyL Fray, Couiln, are not Vapours a fort of Air ? 
ti^e Air! you might as well tell me, f may feed upon 
Air: But prithee, my dear Melinda, don't put on iuch 
an Air to- me. Your Education and mine were juft the 
fame ; and I remember the time \\hen we never troubled 
our Heads about Air, but when the (harp Air from the 
If^e/cJb Mountains made our Fingers ake in a cold Morn- 
ing ?t the Boarding-fcooi. 

Mel. Our Education, Coufin, was the fame, but ou* 
Temperaments had nothing alike; you have the Confli^ 
tution of an Horie. 

Syi. So far as to be troubled with neither Spleen, 
Cholic. nor \ apours ; I need no-Salts for my Stomach, 
ftio ijart!>-horn for my Head, nor Waih for my Com- 

ple^oa 



ne RjBcruUing Officer. 19 

p!eKon. I can gallop all the MorDing after the Hunt« 
mg-horn. and alTclie Evening after a Fiddle. In fliort,' 
1 can do every thing with my Father^ but drink> and 
(hoot flying ; and Vm fure I can do every thing my Mo- 
ther coa'd, were 1 put to the Trial. 

MtL you are in a fair way of being put to*c ; for I am 
tbld^your Captain is come to Town. 
r Sj/U Ay, Milinda, he is come, and Til take Care he- 
fliaVt go without a Companion. 

M!r/. Yon are certainly mad, Coufm. 

Sjl. • ■ Jfiif then^s a Pieafure Jure 

In bting tnad^ *wbich none hni Madmen kno<w. 

, Mef, Thou .poor Romantic ^xote ! Haft thou the 

vanity to imagine, that a young fprightly. Oificer, that 
rambles o*er half the Globe in half a Year, can confioe' 
his Thoughts to the little Daughter of a Country Juilice, 
in an obicure Part of the World ? 

SjL P(ha ! what care I for his Thoughts ; I fhould not 
.like a Man with confinM Thoughts, it (hews a narrow- 
nefs of Sou). Conffancy. is but a dull ileepy Quality at. 
-l^y they will 'hardly- admit it among the manly Virtues; 
nor d9l think it.deferves a. Place with Bravery, Know- 
"ledge. Policy,' Juftice, and Tome other Qualities that arc 
proper to. that noble Sex. In (hort, Melinday J think a 
Petticoat a mighty fimple Tilings and I am heariiiy tir'd 
QfmySfXi. 

• -iWifA Tlwfis.yon are tir'd ofaW Appendix to our 
Sexy.th^t ]^ou can't fp haodfomely get rid of in Pett'u 
coaby' as xf you were in Breeches,— ^--O' my Confcienrje, 
^yMap. hadft thou been a Man, thou hadll been the 
greateftHaike io Chriftendom. . 

SjfL 1: fhould.h^vc-endeavonr'd to know the World, 
which . a Man can never do thoroughly^ without half a 
-}i«ndred<FriehdIhip$>^.and as many Amours ; but now! 
think,on't,^how ft&nds your Affair witkMr. JVorthji? 

• il^fif/ H^s'iny' Aver^^ 
Bfii V-apours!' 

MeL What do you 6y,. Madam ? 

^/.. ITayi that you (hbuld not ufe that honeft Fellow 

forinhiiillMtDty)'. He's a Gentleman of Parts and Fortune ; 

andibefidea. that, .he's my Piume\ Friend, and by all 

H 5- . inur'5 



20 The Ricrniting Ojjiicer. 

that*t facred, if yon don't afe hiiabetter^ I (hall expe< 
SatiBfa^ioiu 

Mil. Satisfa^ion! you beg^n; to fancy yoarldf in 
Breeches in good-eameft — ^jBut to be plain wiULyou,"! 
like Worthy uie worfe for being io intimate witn yow 
Captain^ for I take hiuk to be a loofe, idle, unmannerly 
Coxcomb. 

SjU O, Madam ! you never (aw him, perhaps, iince 
you were Millre(s of twenty thoufand Pounds ; you only 
knew him when you were capitulating with Worthy for 
a Settlement, which perhaps might encourage him to be 
a little loofe, and unmannerly with you, 

Md, What do you meanj .Madam ? 

SyL My Meaning needs no Interpretation, Madam. 

MeL Better it had,. Madam s fon methinks yjou ar( 
loo plain. 

8yL If you mean the Plainnefs of my Perfon, I thinl 
your Ladyfhip's as plain as me to the full. 

MeL Were I fure of that, I would be glad, to take v\ 
with a Rakehelly Officer as you do^ 

Syl. Again ! Look'e, Madam,.. yQa!rc in yoar qwi 
Houfe. 

MeL And if you< had kept in your*8,. I (honld; luiTt 
excusM you. 

SyL Don't be troubled, Madam^ I (ha&?t defilfe to btfi 
my Vifit retum'd.. 

MeL The fooner thereibre you make an.End of. this 
the better. 

^yL I am eafily perfuaded to follow my.Iadinationi 
and fo, Madam, your humble Servant. \t»i 

MeL Saucy thing ( 

Enter Lucy. 

i/«f> What's the Matter, Madam ? 

MeL Did you not fcie the proud Nodiing,.Itowib 
fweird upon the Arrival o' her Fellow* . . 

Lucn Her Fellow has not been .long eaoiieh . arH^M ^ 
occaiion any great Swellings Madamj L wstl beljev( 
(he has feen him yet. 

MeL Nor fhan't if I can helt> it— Let n>e fee-Hl h«^ 

it Bring me Eca and Inb-Wd, VM go-wutt. in nj 

Clofct, 

u 



The Raruiiing Officer, 21 

Inc. An Anfwer jto this Letter^ I hope, Madam f 

\Prefinti a Leiier. 

Mil. Who fcnt It ? 

Luc. Your Captain, Madam. 

MJ, He's 1 Fool, and rm tir*d of him, fend it back 
' nnopen^d. 

Luc. The Me(!enger*s gone, Madam, 

MiL Then how ihoold 1 lend an Anfwet ? Call him. 
back immediately, while I go write. [^Exiuut,. 

^ Ui End of the FArft ACT. 

A C T 11. 
SCENE, An ApartmenU, 

Enter JuJlice"B2\\9XiCt aud Plume. 

Jial. T Qok'e, Captiin, give us . but filood for our 
Xjj Money, and you ihan't want Men. 1 remem^ 
ber thati for foxne Years of the laH War, we had no 
Bloodi no Wounds, but in the Officers Mouths; nothing 
fiu-our Millions but News-Papers not worth a Readimgr 
—Our Army did nothing but play at Prifon-bafe, and 
bide and fe^k. with the Epemy ; but now ye have brought 
US Colours, and Standards, and Prifoncrs ■ Ad's my 
Life, Captain* get us bat another Marihal of Francis 
and I'll go uxyMf for a Soldier-^— 

Plnmi. Pfay, Mr. Ballance^ how does your fair 
Paughter?. . 

JW. Ah, Captain ? what is my Daughter to a Mar- 
ihal of ftanci ! We're upon a nobler Su bje£l, I want to 
have a particuUr Defcription of the Battle of Hochfiet- 

Pbmu. The Battle, Sir, was a very pretty Battle aa 
any, osje^ (hould df fire to fee, but we were all fo intent 
upon Victory, that we never minded the Brittle : All 
.^tiknowof the Matter, is, our General commanded 
us to beat the French^ and we did fo ; and if he pleafes 
. Jittt to lay the Word, we'll do it again. But pray, Sir, 
'll^-does Mrs. f^/<v/«:^ 

Sal. 



i2 ^th£ Reerutting Officer. 

Bal Still upon Sylvia / For ftiame, Captain, yoo i 
cngagM already, wedded to the War ; Viaory is your 
Miilrefs, and hi% below a Soldier to thipk of any otheV. 

Plume, As aMiftrefs, 1 confefs ; but as a Friend^ Mr. 
Ballance'^'-^ 

BaU Come» come. Captain, never mince the MaUer»^ 
would not you debauch my Daughter, if yoa coold ? 

Plume. How, Sir ! I hope (he*s not to be djebauch'd. 

BaL Faith, but (he is. Sir ; and any WdmaBcia jE^— 
land of her Age and Comple£lion, by a Man of your. 
Youth and Vigour. Look*e, Captain^ oncft I was young, . 
and once an Officer as you are ^ and Tcaa gueis at{yourr 
Thoughts now, by what mine were then ;. and I remem- 
ber very well, that! would have.- given. one of: my- Legs, 
to have deluded the Daughter of an old Country Gentle-- 
man, as like me as J was thea like you? 

Plumei But, Sir^ was that: Country. Gentlemaa your 
Friend and Benefaiftor ? 

BaL Not much of that? 

Plume, There the Compaiiron breaks :^ the^FavoorSf, 
Sir, that* 

BaL 1^0,. pho^ I hate- fet. Speeches; if I' hare done 
you any Service, Captain^ 'twas to pleale myfelf ; . I love 
thee, and if I could pact with ^my Girl,- you (hould iiave 
Yitx as foon as any. young Fellow I know : But- 1 hope - 
you have more Honour than to quit the Service, and ine 
more P/udence than to follow the Camp,; but ^€t at her. 
own Difpofai, ihe has fifteea hundred •roamib ia her Poc- 
ket, Sihd Co^-^Syivia^ Syhia^, [CaUsm:. 
Jen/zr Sylvia. . 

SyL There are feme Letters, Sir, come by the Poftr 
from Ltndtfiy I left them upon theTable.in your Clofet. 

BaL And here is a Gentleman from G/rM^n»f^ \Prtftmt. 
Plume /i0 i^AT.] Captain yoa*ll excufetme, 1*11 gp and readc' 
my Letters and wait On you.. [£';r^« 

SyL Sir, you are welcome to jS*^«^. 

Plume 4 Yoq are indebted to me a Weliiomef Madam» 
fince the Hopes of receiving itvfrom> thia^r.Hand, was . 
the principal Caufe of my feetn? England^- 

SyL I have often heard, that Soldiers were fiilcere, . 
(hall i venture to believe public Report ? 

Pli/me, Yx)u.D[uy> when 't^ back'd by- private In^U*. 

rapcci. 



7T^£ Recruiting CJ^ir^r. 13 

rtnce ; for I fwear. Madam, bv ihc Honour of my Pro- 
fieflion, that'R'hatcver Dtfirfr» i urrt upon, ic «^d> uich 
the Hope of making myfelf mere worthy of* > cur F.ilecm ; 
and if ev^,1 had '1 noughts of prd'rrviog my Lirc» *c\vai 
for the Pleafure of dying at your Feet. 

Sjl Well, well, >vu fiiall die at my Fcei, cr whfre 
you will ; bat you know« Sir, there is a ccruin Will aitd 
Teflament to be made bcfbre-hand. 

P/ame. My Will. Madam, is made already, and there 
hit; and if yoi> pleafe to Ofen the Parchment, vbhkh 
wai drawn the Eveniog before the fiat tic of i».V«rr./fr, 
you will find whom I left my Heir. 

IVaII,. Captain, this is a handtbme and & iubiUntial Com- 
pliment ; but I caa afiiire you» I am much better plejfed 
with the bare Knowledge of your Ic:.c:ion. ihark I 
fliould have been ia the PolTelEoa of your Legacy : iSjt 
methinks. Sir, you (hould hate IcU fomethisg ia yojr 
little Boy at the C'/V. 

Pimm, That's home, [-fi/r-] My Hale Toy • Lack a- 
day, Madana, that a!one may con« iace yo j *iwa4 core 
of mine ; why The Girl. Madam, is my Serjeani's Wife» 
and (b the poor Creature gave out that I «ai Father, in 
hopes that my Friends might fupport her in Cafe of NV- 
cellity. — That was all, Nladam — My Boyi No, no, ao^ 
Emtr a Stnujit, 

Str, Madam» my Mafler has rcceiv'.d fome x!! Ne*s 
from £««/9«, and dedres to fpeak with you imoAu *it\y9 
and he begs the Captain's Pardon* that he cac'i nait on 
him as he promised. 

P/nme. Ill News ! Heavens aiert It, soth-aj co^ld 
touch me nearer than to fee that generojs worthy Gen- 
tleman aAiAed : I'll leave you to comfort h m» ar.d b« 
aflur'd, that if my lAfe and Fonune can be ary way (er- 
viceable to the Father of my SjIwm^ he flull uecly com- 
mand boih. 

Sjl. The NeceSity muft be vciy prefling, that weald 
engage me to endanger either. [Exconi Ji'UifUj. 

SCENi^ 



2*4 ^ts Recruiting Officer, 

SCENE, Jnotber Jpmrm$ni4 

Enter Ballance and Sylvit, 

Syl, Whilft there if Life, there ia Hope, Sir? perhaps 
my Brother may recover. 

Bal. We have but little Reafon to expeft it ; Doaor 
Killman tcquaints me here, that before this comes co ay 
Hands, he fears I fliall have no Son-^«Poor O^wen /-r— - 
But the Decree is juft, I was pleafed with the Death of 
Ttif F^'thrr, becaufe he left me an Eft'ate, and now 1 am 
punifliM i^ith the Lofs of an Heir to inherit mine 1 1 
mull now look upon you as the only Hopes of my Fa- 
mily, and L exped that the Augmentation of your Por- 
mne will give you frclh Thoughts, and new ProfpeAs^ 

Sji. My Defire of hieing punctual in my Obedience re- 
quires thrt you would be plain in vour Commands, Sir. 

Bal. The Death of your Brother makes you fole 
Heirei's to my Eftate which you know is about twelve 
hundred Pounds a Year : .- his i-'ortune gives you a fair 
Claim to Quality, and a Title ; you mi\lt fct a juH Value 
upon yourfelf, and in plain Terma, think no more o£ 
Captain Plume, 

SyL You have often commmended the Gentleman, Sir. 

Isal. And J do fo llill. he s a veiy pretty Fellow ; but 
tho' I likM him well en.^ugh for a oare Son-in*Iaw, I 
don't approve of him for an. Heir to my Rl^ate and Fa- 
mily ; fifteen hundred Pounds indeed I might trull in his 
Hands, and it might do the you.g Fi'How a Kindnefs» 
but— odds my Life, twelve hundred Pounds a- Year would 
r4iin him, quite turn his Rrain : A Captain of Foot 
worth twelve hundred Pounds a-Year! 'lis a Prodigy in: 
N«ture : Bcfides this, I have five or fix thpufand Pounds 
in Woods upon my Eftate, Oh ! that would make him 
ilark n^ad : For yoa muft know, ihat all Captains have a. 
mighty A*'c*rfi*)n to Timber, they can't endure to fee 
Trees ftanoing : I'hen I fliould have i'ome Rogue of a. 
■ Builder, by the help. of 'hi^ damn'd m.igic Art, transfofm' 
my noble-Oak^ and Etms into v. orniihcs, Portals^ Sa(he> 
Bii ds, Bc.ifts, and Devils, to adorn fome magotty, new- 
faihionM Bauble upon the Thames \ and then J (hould 
have a Dog of a Gardener bring a habeas Corpus for my 

T^erra 



. TH Ricruising Vffiar:. > 15 

TiHfM J^rmSf. remove ic to CM/gm,. 01 Tnpftintamt and: 
dap it into Gsais-rplats and Gravel-walks* 

S€r. Sir^.^^e't one with a Letter below for your Wor* 
Bp^p but he will dlcliver it into no hands but your ownn 

£mL Come» ihew me the Mellenger. 

[Exii vaidf' Servant: 

Sjl. Mkke the Difpute between Love and Duty, and 
I am Prince Frutjmtm e^adly.— If my Brother dies, ah, 

a Brother f' If he lives, ah, poor Sifter 1- *Tis bad 
Ways ; Til try it again— Follow my own Ihclina* 
tsosiv and break my Father's Heart ; or obey his Com- 
mands, and break my own ;. worfe and worfe. SuppoTe 
I take it ^y^th A moderate Fortune, a pretty Feilmv 
mnd a Fad i or a fine Bftate, a Coach and Six, and )in. 
Afa-— That lyill never do neither. 

Efitir Juftici Ballance and aServauii. 
Bai. Put four Horfes to the Coach. [T# « Servant <iu4#/ 
gHs outJ] Hoi Sylvia*. 



Sfl. Sir.. 



How old were you when your Mother died T > 

5;/. So young, that i don't remember L ever had one i 
•ndyou: have l^en (b careful, fo indulgent to me £nce, 
that. indeed I nevier wanted one.. 

Bal Have I ever denied you any thing you aikM of me t 

Sf4. Never that I rei^ember.. 

£ai* Then^ Sylvia, 1 muft beg that once in your Life 
jou would grant me*a favour.. 

SwL Why ftio^dd yon ^uellion it,i^r; . ■ 

£aL I don't,, but 1 would rather oouafel.than cool^*^ 
nand ; I don't prcipofe this wiith the Authority of a.Pa- 
ieat» bet as the Advice of your Vriend i that you would 
lake the Coach this. Moment, and go into the Country* 

SjL Does this Advice, Sir, proceed from the Contents 
.f f W» fc^tter ypu, receivM joft jnow } 

Bal. No matter, I will be with you in three or four 
Days, and then give you my ReaJbns.— Butibcfore you 
ffif \ expc^ you will make me one fulemn Piomife. 
. SjL Propofe the Thiog, -Sir. 

' SaL That you will never difpofe of yourfdf to any 
Maa^ without my Confent* 

i>jL 1 promife. 



t6i TBe Ricmiiing Cffidr. 

Bal. Very wdl. and to be even with yoQ» T prdmife I 
never will difpofe of vou wichooc your own Conienty and 
ib, Sylwaf the Coach is ready; fareweU [Leads htrt§ i 
the U9or; and r$tttms.'\ Now (he's gone» 1*11 examiiKe the } 
Comefluof this Letter a licde nearer. ' [Ruii. | 

SIR. I 

1\aT InfimMty with Mr, Worthy ias drawn m Secret frm 
•^^^^ bim, tbst be bmd /rem Af> Fritmd Captmm Plnoiai 
and my Friendflnp and Relathn t§ yonr Family % obiiie m 
to ghte yeu'timely Notice bf it : Tbe Certain bas dijbenwr- 
able Defignt upon my Coufin Sylvia, E'uiii if tbis Nntmt 
are more t^fify prrye^ited tban amended^ and tbat yvu wonii 
immediateiy find my Confin into tbe Country^ is tbe Advia 
ojj. Sir, ypnr linoble Servant, 

MB'LJNDJ. 

Why the DeviKs in the yonng Fellows of this Age, they 
are ten Time!» worfe than they were in ny Tiffle;^ had 
he made my Daughter a Whore» and forfwore'it Ukei 
Gentleman, J could have alknoft pthrdon'd it ; bat tio 
tell Tales before-hand it monftroiMi— — Hang it, I caa 
fetch down a Woodcock or a Snipe^ and why not a Hit 
and Feather ? I have a Cafe of good Piilols, and bave-ai 
good mind to try. 

Enter Wwthy.. 
Wortby I yoar Servant* 

IVor. I'm forry. Sir, to beihe Mii&hgerof ilt'NeWi.. 

Bal. 1 apprehend it, Siry yoo haVe* heard . that nyt 
Son, Owekf it pail Recovery^' 

l^or. My Lettert ikj he>8 deady Sifi . 

BaK He^t happy, and I*m fatisfied : The StN>ket bf 
Heaven I ca» bear 4 bnt lajuriet Irom Meii>^ Mr. fTortbf^, 
are not (o eafijy fupported. 

^V. I hope, Sir, yottVe under aa ApprelKNifiDii.'tf 
wrong from any Body. - 

BaL You know 1 ought to be.- - • "■ 

ff'or. You. wrong my Honour, J» believing rcottId> 
know any thing to your.Brejadice> without refentiog iti 
at mucli ar you Should. . 

Bal. T'-is Letter, Sir, wiiich.I teariii Pieceato'con^ 

.ceal; 



The Recruiting Officer. 27 

teal the Per(bn that fcnt it, informs me that PItmf has 
a Dtfiign apon >jr via, and that you are privy io*t. 

IP'gr, Nay then, Sir, 1 muft do myldf Juliice, and 
endeavour to find out the Author, [fairs uf a Bif."] Sir, 
I know the Handi and if you refufe to difcovcr the 
Contents, yelinda fhall tell me. \Gcit!g, 

' Bal. Hold, Sir, the Contents I have told you already, 
only wih this Circumftance, that her Intimacy with Mi. 
UJortly had drawn the Secret from him. 

l/0r. Her Intimacy with me! Dear Sir, let tlie pick 
op the Pieces of this Letter ; 'twill give me fuch a hank 
upon her Pride, to have her own an Inu'macy under her 
JHand : This was the luckicil Accident ! [Gntherhg. up 
ihi Letter] The Afpcrfion, Sir, was norhing but Malice, 
the EffcAof aiittleQiiarrel betvvern her and Mn-Sj/via. 

JSa/^ Are you fureofthar, Sir? 

WV. Her Maid gave me the Hiftory of part of the 
Battle, jufl now, as Ihe over-heard it. But I hope. Sir, 
your Daughter has fufFcr'd nothing upon the account. 

BaL No, no, poor GitJ, Ihc's fo afflicted with the 
News of her Hrothcr*8 Death, that to avoid Company, 
Ihe begged leave to be gone into the Country. 

i#V. And is Ihc gone? 

Bel, I could not rcfufe her, (he was fo prefllng ; the 
Coach went from the Door the Minute before you came. 

I#V. So prefling to be gone. Sir! — I find her Fortune 
will give her the fame Airs with il///iWa, and then P/ume 
anJ r may laugh at one another. 

BmL Like enough, Women are as fubje£t to Pride as 
Mea are ; and wry mayn't great Women, as well as 
great Men, forget their old .'Acquaintance ?•— But come, 
there's this young Kdlow ? I love him fo well, it would 

break the Heart of me to think him a Rafcal I'm 

giad my Daughter's gone fairly off tho". [Jjii/e*] Where 
doeii the Captain quarter ? 

//«r. At Hsrfsn s; I am to meet liim there two Hours 
hence, and wc Ihould be glad of your Company. 

Ea\ Your Pardon, dear If'orthw Tmuft allv)w a Day 
or two to the De.ith of my Son : The l)v.corum of 
Mourning is what wc o • r the World, lu'caufc they pay 
it CO us. After>\ards, I'm yours over a fiotiic, or how 
you will. 



a 8 Shi BjcruiUug OJker^ 

Wvr. Sir, Tm yooi humble Servant. [Bxeunt^v^afj^;. j 

SCENE, thiStreit. i 

Enter Kite, nAJub Codar Pear-main f« em Htmi^ nil \ 

Thomas Apple-tree m the tbtrt drunk, | 

Kite/.^/. 
Oirr ^Pnmtiei Tom maj mow reftfi j 

^0 luipe his Scomnitii Mafitr's Sba44 ^ 
For noiv he* J free tefi-g and play ^ • 

O'ver tbi hiuj and far anvay — Oow, &c*. 

[The Mob fing the Chonn* 

Wijhall had n^w^i bafff LifViSf 
By getting rid of Bratt and ff^iviti 
"ihat/coid and irawl bitb Nigbt and Dof^ 
Over tbe HiJ/i, and far a^ay-^Oafirg^ &c«. 

Kite. Hey Boys f Thus we Soldiers live ! drink, fejv 
dance, play : We live, as one (honld fay — we live— — ^ 
*^cis Impofliblc to tell how we live — We are all Princes- 
Why — why, you are a King— You are an Emperor^ aod 
I'm a Piincc — now — a'n't we — 

Tbo, No, Serjeant, Til be no Emperoc 

Kite. No I 

7bo. No, Pll be a Juftice of Peace; 

Kite. A Juflice of Peace, Man I 

Tbo. Ay, wauns will 1 ; for fince this Preflxhg-aft 
they are greater than any Emperor under the Sun. 

Kite, Done: Youare a Julliceof Peace, and you are 
a King, and I am a Duke, and a rum Duke^. a*n!t LI 

Co/l Ay. but ril be no King, 

Kite. What then? 

Cofi. ril be a Queen*. 

Kite. A Queen I 

Ce^: Ay, Queen of England^ that*i greater than anf 
King of *cm alli 

Kite* Bravely faid, faith ; Hazza for the Queen. * 
Wu:iza J] But heark'e, you, Mr. Juftice,' and you, Mr,. 
Queen, did you never fee the Queen's Pidure ?. 

Both. No, no, no. 

Kite. I wonder at that ; I have two of "^n ftt in Gold, 
and as like her MajeHy, God blefs the Mark. See here,. 

they 



7ie Recruiting Officer. 2^ 

they are fet in Goldk [Takes two Broad-pieces out of bis 
' Pockety gives one to each, 

^hc. The wonderful Works of Nature ! [f.ooii/ig at it, 

Coft, What's this written about ? Here's a- Poly, 1 bc- 
likevc^ Carro-dus — What's that, Serjeant? 

Kite, O ! Carolus /'-^Why, Curolus is Latin for Queen. 
jin%e ; that's all. 

CoJ}. *Tis a fine thing to be a Scollard — Serjeant, will 
you part with this ? iTl buy it on you, if it come within 
the Compafsof a Crown. 

Kite. A Crown ! never talk of baying ; 'tis the fame 
thing among Friends, you know ; Til prefent them to 
ye lK)th: you (hall give me as good a thin;;. Put 'cm 
up, and remember your old Friend, when i am over the 
Hi;i8, and far away. \^hey Jingy and put up the Money. 

Enter tlMiae Jtnging. 
Plume*' Over the Hills, and over the Main^ 
7o Flanders, Portugal, or Spain : 
.7 he Sl^een commands , and ive*Il obey^ 
Over the Hi/is, and far away. 

Come on my \fen of Mirth, away with it, I'll make on# 
• imong ye : Who are thefe hearty Lads ? 

Kite. Off with your Hats ; O'unds off with your Hats : 
This is the Captain, the Captain. 

Th§. We have feen Captains afore now. Mun. 

Cofi, Ay, and Lieutenant Captains too; s'fleih, I'll 
keep on my Nab. 

The. And I'fe fcarcely d'oiF mine for any Captain iji 
England: 'My Vether's a Freeholder. 

Piume. Who are thefe jolly Lads, Serjeant ? 

Kiie, A coaple ofhoneft brave Fellows that are willing' 
to ferve the Queen : I have entertain 'd 'em jud now, as 
Volunteers, under your Honour's Command. 

Plume. And good Entertainment they (hall have : Vo- 
lanteers are the Men I want, thofe are the Men fit ta 
make Soldiers, Captains, Generals. 

7ho. Wounds, Tummas^ what's this f are you lided ? 

Cofl. Flcfh ! not I : Arc yon Cofiar? 

Tho. Wounds, not 1. 

Kite, What! not lifted! ha> ha, ha; a very good 
Jefii, rfidth. 

Caj9. 



go The RecruUing Officer: 

Co/L Come, lummat^ we'll go home. " 1 

^'bo. Ay, ay, come. | 

Kite, Home ! for (hame, Gentlemen, behave year* 
felves better before your Obtain : Dear Tummat^ hooeft •' 
Cuftar. 

Tho No, no, we'll be gone. 

Kite, Nay, theo, 1 commaod you to flay : I place 
you both Centinels in this Place, for two HourSt lo 
watch the Motion of St. Mary\ Clock, you ; and yoa 
the Mption of St. Chad &i And he, that dares ftir from 
his Poll, till he be relieved, (liall have my'Sword ioJui 
Guts the next Minute* 

Plume. What's the matter; Serjeant? I*in afraid ^ou 
are too rough with thefe Gentlemen. 

Kite, I'm 100 mild, Sir! They difobey Commftodi 
Sir, and one of *em iliou'd be (hot for an Example to tka 
other. 

Coft. Shot, Tummas ? 

Flume, Come, Gentlemen. what*8 the matter ? 

^ho. We don't know ! the noble Serjeant \i pleasM to 
bein a Paffion, Sir — but — 

Kite. They difobey Command, they deny h eir being 
liiled. 

^ho. Nay, Serjeant, we don't downright dtny it nei- 
ther ; that we dare not do, for fear of being (hot; But 
we humbly conceive, in a civil way, and begging your 
Worfhip's Pardon, that we may go home. 

Plume, That's eafily known ; have either of yoa re- 
ceiv'd any of the Queen's Money ^ 

Coft. Not a Brafs Farthing, Sip. , 

Kite, Sir, they have each of them receiv'd three-and* 
twenty Shillings and Six-pence, and 'tis now in their 
Pockets. 

Coft. Wounds, if I have a Penny in my Pocket bot a 
bent Six- pence, I'll be content to be lifted, and (hot into- 
the Bargain. 

Tho, And I : took ye here. Sir. 

Coji, Nothing but the Queen's Figure, that the Ser- 
jeant gave me j jft now. 

Kite, See there, a Broad pieces tliree-and-twenty 
Shillings and Six pence ; t'other has the Fellow on't 

Flume, The Cafe is plain, Gentlemen, tne Goods are 

found 



Tie Recruiting Offkcen 3 1 

>and apon yoa : Thofe Pieces of Goid are worth three- 
id-cwentjr and Six- pence each. 

Cofi, So it feems, that Carolus is chree-anJ-twenty and 
ix-pence in Latin. 
Tbo, Tts the iame thing in Greeks for we are lifted. 

Coff» Flefh! bat we aVt, Tummas: .1 defire to be 
arried before the Mayor, Captain. 

[Captain and Serjeant nMbifper the ivbi.'e. 

Finmt. 'Till never do, Kitt'-^y our daron'd Tricks will 
rain me at Jafl«— I won*t lofe the Fellows rho*. if i can 
help it — Well, Gentlemen, there mull be Tome Trick in 
ills; my Serjeant o/Fcrs to take his Oath that you are 
»irl V lifted. 

9l§. Why, Captain, we know that you Soldiers have 
more Liberty of Confcience than other Folks ; but for 
BBC^ or Nei^hbuur Cefiar here, to take fuch an 0.nth, 
'twould be downright Perjuration. 

P/umi. Look*e, Rafcal, you Villain, If I find that yoa 
haveimpos'd upon thefe two honeft hellows, FIl trample 
fon to Death, you Dog-«— Come, how was't ? 

TJ^. Nay then, we'll fpeak ; your Serjeant, as yoa 
fry, 18 a Regoe, an*t like your Vvorihip, begging your 
Worfliip's Hardon and— • 

C^^ Nay, Tnmmasj let me fpeak ; you know I can 
re^d— And fo," Sir, he gave us thofe two Pieces of Mo- 
ney for Figures of the C^l^cn. hy way of a Prefcnt. 

PJwmg. How / by way of a rrefent ! The Son of a 
Whore I Til teach him to abufe honeft Fellows, like 
foo 1 Sconndre], Rogue, Villain f 

[Beats off the Serjeant^ €md followi* 

Matb. O b^ve Captdn ! Huzza ! a brave Captain, 
•filth. 

C^, Now TnmmaSf Carolus is Latin for a Beating: 
This is the braveft Captain I ever faw'— Wounds I have 
a Month's Mind to go with him. 
Enter Plume. 

Plumi* A Dog, to abufe two fuch honeft Fellows at 
yoa— — Look'e, Gentlemen, I love a pretty Fellow, I 
come among you as an Officer to lift Soldiers, not as a 
Kidnapper, to fteal Slaves. 

Coft. Mind that, Tummas. 

Pbum. I defire no Man to go with me, but as 2 weoc 

my- 



jl ^ T'he RecruUing Officer. 

myfelf: I went a-Yolunteer, as you, or you, may do | 
for a little time carried a Muflcety and now I comsuutd 
a Company. . ' ^ 

Tho. Mind that, Coftar : A fweet Gentkroaa. 

P/ume. 'Tis true. Gentlemen, Imigbt take an Adran* 
<tage of you; the Queen's Money, Avas in your Pockets, 
my Serjeant was ready to take his Oath you were lifted s 
buc I fcorn to da.a baic thin^, you are both -of yoa at 
your Liberty, 

Ctf^. Thank you, noble Captain — I-<:od, I can't find 
in my Hear^ to leave him, he talks fo finely^ 

T6o. Ay, Cqftar, wou'd he always hold in this l^nd. 

Piuwe. Come, my Lads, one thmg more .1*11 telLjycMi: 
You're boih voung tight Fellows, and the Arny u thji 
Place to make you Men forever ? Every Man had his 
Lot, and you have yours : What think you now of a 
Purfe aifrmth Gold out oi a Monfieur^s. Pocket, after 
:you have dalhed out his Brains with' the But-end of 
your Firelock ? ehl 

Coft, Waunsi ril have it. Captain— -—give nie t 
Shilling, rU foHow you to the end of the World. 

7hQ, Nay, dear Coftar^ do'na ; be advis'd. 

Plume, Here, m^ Hero, here are two Guineas for the^ 
418 Earcefl of wbat Fll do farther for thee. 

^ho. Do'natake it, do*na,. dear Ofiar* 

{Cr/V/, end fulls hack bis Afm% 

CoJL I wull*— — I wnll — Waunds, my Mind giycS|iii9 
%hat 1 (hall be a Captain myfelf-—^! take your Momsyi , 
Sir, and now I am a Gentleman. * j 

Piume. Give roe thy Hand, and no\y y^u and I will' 
travel the World o'er, and command it wherever IRt 
tread— firing your Friend with yon if you can. [j^idt* 

Coft, Well, Tummas, muft we part f 

7ho, No Coftar^ I canno leave thee— ->Come, Captaii^ 
I'll e'en go along too; and if you have two honefter fim- 
l>ler Lads in your Company, than we two have beep. Til 
fay no more. 

Plume, Here, my Lad, {Gimts him M$jtif.] Now yoic 
Name? 

Tho, Tummas Jfpletree. 

plume, Aqd yours ? 

Coft. Cofiar PearmMM. 



The Recrmtmg Officer. 33 

Thtmi, Well faid, Coflar I Born where > 
Tho, Both in Hirtfwrdjhire. 

Plume^ Very well ; Courage, my Ladi— Now we'll 
ingi 0*vir the HiUs, and far aiv^'j* 

Ccurage^ Boys, *tii on$ f 7 en 
But vji riturn all Gentlemen ; 
If^/Zr Confuirhg Cclours we di/plqy, 
Offir the Wlls and far away. 

Kite, take care of *ein. 

Enttr Kite. 

iTf/tf. A'n^t yoo a Coaple of pretty Fellows now 1 Here 

you have complained to the Captain, 1 am to be turned 

ODt. and one of you will be Serjeant. Bat in the mean 

tiflitf, march you Soni of Whorei. [Beafj \m off. 

TheEndof the fecond ACT. 

ACT IIL 
SCENE, The Market-place. 

Enter Plume and Worthy. 
ir«r«T Cannot forbear admiring the Eauality of our two 

/ X Fortunes : We lov'd two Ladies, they met ut 
lalf way, and juil as we were upon ihe point of leaping 
into their Arms, Fortune drops into their Laps, Pridc^ 
poffisfles their Hearts, a Maggot fiJls their Heads, Mad~ 
Heft takes *em by the Tails ; they fnort^ kick up their 
Heels, and away they run. 

Pinna. And leave us here to mourn upon the Shore— 

A couple of poor melancholy Monftera* What ihall 

we do? 

fFor. I have a trick for mine ; the Letter, you know^ 
and the Fortune-teller. 

Plnme. And 1 have a trick for mine. 

JFor. What is't f 

plume, I'll never think of her agun. 

W»r. No! 

Plmne* No ; I think my felf above adminiflering to the 

Pride of any Woman, were ihe worth Twelve thoufand 

/ a- Year \ 



34 ^^^ Recrutiing Officer. 

a-Ycar; and I ha'n't the Vanity to believe I ft all ever 

gain a Lady worth Twelve htuulred The gcntious 

good-natur'd Sylvia^ in her Smock, I admire ; but the 
haughty, fcornful SyMa^ with her Fortune, I de(pife— • 
What, i'neak out of Town, and not (b much as a Word. 
a Line, a Compliment.-— 'ideath ! how far off does flie 
live ? IMl go and break her Windows. 

^V. Ha, ha, iia f ay, and the Window-bars too, to 
come at her — Come, come, Friendt no more of your 
rough military Airs. 

Enter Kite. 

Kite, Captain, Captain, Sir? look yonder, (he's a com- 
ing this way: *Tis the prettieft« cieanei^ little Tit I 

Flume. NoAV, Worthy ^ to fhew you how much I am in 

love ; here (he comes : But Kite^ what is that great 

Country- fellow with heri 

Kite^ I can't tell, Sir. 

Enter Rofe, followed by her Brothr Bullock, with Chic*- 
JteMs on her Arm in a Bajket. 

Rofe, Buy Chickens, young and tender Chickens/ 
^oung and tender Chickens. 

Piume. Htrtf you Chickens I 

Rofe, Who calls? 

Plume. Come hither, pretty Maid. 

Pofe, Will you pleafe to buy. Sir ? 

IVor. Yes, Child we'll both buy. 

P/ume. Nay, JVorthy^ that's not fair, marbet for your* 
ifejf — Come, Child, Til buy all you have. 

Jlafe. Then all I have is at your Service. [Court^JUi 

f^or. Then muft I (hift for myfclf, I find." [Bxtt. 

P/ttmi, Let me fee ; young and tender, yon fay. 

[Chucks her under tbi Chin* 

Jtefe, As ever you taftcd in your Life, Sir. 

Plume. Come, I muil examine yoor-fiafket to the bot- 
ibm, my Dear. 

Rnfe, Nay, for that matter, put in your Hand ; feel. 
Sir ; i warrant my Ware as good as any in the Market. 

Plume, And I'll buy it all, Child, were it ten times more.- 

Rofe. Sir, 1 can furnifh you. 

flumi. Come then, we won't quarrel abpat the Price, 

they're 



Tbe Recmiiing Officer. 35 

hey 're fine Birds — Pray what's your Name, pretty Cre»- 
ure? 

Rcfe. Ro/e^ Sir: M^r Father is a Farmer within three 
hort Miles o' the -Town. i we iceep this Market; I fell 
thickens, Eggs, and Butter, and my Brother DuJlock 
:here fells Corn. 
BuL Come, Sifter, hade^ we /hall be late hoame. 

\WhiJllts about the Stage. 

flume. Kite ! [Tips him the. Wink, he returns //.] Pretty 

Mrs. Ro/e — you have*— let me Tee — how many ? 

Ro/e, A dozen. Sir, and they are richly worth a Crown. 

Bui. Come, Ruo/e, I fcjld fifty Strakc of Barley lo-day 

in half this time ; but you will higgle and higgle for a 

Penny, more than tKe Commodity is worxh. 

Roje. What's that to you, Oaf! I can make as much 
out of a Groat, as you can out of Four-pence, I'm fure 

The Gentleman bids fair, and when I meet with a 

Chapman, J know how to make the bed of him >- And 
fo. Sir, I fay, for a Crown Piece the Bargain's yours. 
Plume. Here's a Guinea, my Dear. 
Ro/e. I can't change your Money, Sir. 
Plume, indeed, indeed, but you can — my Lodging is 
hard by. Chicken, and we'll make change ihere. 

[Goes off, jbe follonxjs him. 
Kite.' So, Sir, as I was telling you, i have feen one 
of thefe Hujfars eat np a Ravelin for his Breakfad, and 
afterwards pick'd his Teeth wiih a Palifado 

BuU ky^ you Soldiers fee very ftrange Things ; but, 
pray. Sir, what is a Rabelin ? 

kite. Why, *tis like a modern minc'd Pye, but the 
Croft is confounded har^, and the Plumbs are ibme« 
what hard of Digeft^on 

BuL Then your Palifado, pray what may he be ? 
Come, Ruofe, pray ha' done. 

Kite. Your Palifado is ai pretty fort of Bodkin, about 
the Thicknefs of my lJt%. 

BuL That's a Fib, I believe, yjide.^ Eh! where's 
Ruofe! Ruofe! Ruofe i s'flefli where's Ruoje gone?' 
AV/r. She's gone with the Captain. 
Bui. The Captain ! Wauns, there's no prcffing of 
Women, fure. 
Kite. But there is^ fure. 
VOL.U. I BuK 



3^ The RecruUing Offiar. 

Bui. If the Captain (hould preft Ruo/e^ I (hould lot 
ruin'd — Which way went 0ie f O ! the Devil take yoar 
Kabllns and Palifadoes. _ lExit, 

Kite, You fhall be better acquainted With them, honeft 
Bullock, or I fhall mifs of my Aim. 
Enter Worthy. 

Wor, Why thou art the moft ufeful Fellow In Nature 
to your Captain ; admirable in your way, I find. 

Kite. Yes, Sir, I underfland my Biifinefs, I will (ay it. 

Wor. How came you fo qualified ? 

Kite. You mud know. Sir, I was born a Gipiy, and 
bred among that Crew till I was ten Years old, there I 
learnM Canting and Lying ; I was bought from my 
Mother, Cleopatra^ by a certaih Nobleman for three 
PiAoles; who liking my Bejuty, made me hfs Page; 
there I learn*d Impudence and Pimping. I was tarn*d 
ofi^ for wearing my Lord's Linen, and drinking my 
Lady's Ratafia, and turned Bailiff *s Follower ; there I 
learn'd Bullying and S%v earing. I at lad got into the 
Army, and there I learn'd Whoring and Drinking — So 
that if your Worlhip pleafes to cad up the whole Sura, 
iji%. Canting, Lying, Impndence, Pimping, Bullying, 
Swearing. Whoring, Drinking, and a Halbert, you 
will find the Sum Total amount to a Recruiting Serjeants 

Wor, And pray what induc'd you to turn Soldier I 

Kiu, Hunger and Ambition : The Fears of Starving* 
ard the Hopes of a Truncheon, led me along to a Gentle- 
roan, with a fair Tongue, and fair Periwig, who loaded 
me with Promifes ; but Vad it was the lighted Load 

that ever I felt in my Life He promised to advanoe 

me, and indeed he did fo— to a Garret in the Sa*vof* 1 
afked him why he put me in Prifon; he call'd me lying 
Dog, and faid 1 was in Garrifon ; and indeed, *tis t 
Garrifon hat. may hold out till Doomfday before ^ fliouM 
defire to take it again. Butl)ere comes Judice Bailamct. 
Entir Ballance and Bullock. 

BuL Here, you Serjeant, wherc's your Captain i 
Here's a poor fooliih Fellow comes clamouring to me 
with a Complaint, that your Captain has prefs'd nis SK- 
ter ; do you know any thing of this mat:er, H^ortby ? 

ilW, Ha, ha, ha! I know his Srderis gone with Plumt 
to his Lodging, to fell him fome Lhickcas. 

4 BsL 



The kecruiiing Officer. 37 

Ai/. Is that all? the Fellow's a Fool. ^ 

BhI. I know that, an't like your Worfhip*; but if your 
WTorfliip pleafes to gram me a Warrant to bring her be- 
fore your Wor(hip, for fear of the worft» 

Bal. Thou'rt mad, Fellow, thy Siller's fafe enough. 
. Kite. I hope fo too. [^Jide. 

Wor^ Hall thou no more Senfe, Fellow,^ than to be- 
lieve that the Captain can lift women. 

BaL I know not whether they lift them, or what they 
do with them, but 1 am Aire, they carry as many Wo- 
men as Men with them out of the Country. 

Bal. But how came you not to go along with your 
SiHer? 

BuL Lordy Sir, I thought no more of her going than 
I do of the Day I (hall die ; but thisi Gentleman here, 
not fnfpedin|^ any hurt neither^ I believe— you thought 
no harm. Friend, did you ? 

JCf//, Lackaday, Sir, not I— —only that, I believe, I 
(ball marry her to-morrow. [^Afide. 

Bai, I begin to fmell Powder. Well, Friend, but 
{what did that Gentleman with you ? 

Bui. Why, Sir, he entertain'd me with a fine Story of 
A great Sea-fight between the Hungarians^ 1 think it 
was, and the Wild-Irijh, 

Kiti. And fo. Sir, white we were in the Heat of 
Battle-^the Captain carried ofF the Baggage. 

Bal. Serjeant, go along with this Fellow^ to your 
Cap^Oi give him my humble Service, and defire him to 
difcbarge the Wench, tho' he has lifted her. 

BtU. Ay, and if (he ben^t free for that, heihall have an- 
other Man in her place. 

Kiti. Come, honeft Friend, you (hall go to my Quar- 
ters inftead of the Captain's. [ AJide^^ 

{Exeunt Kite and Bullock. 

Bui. We miift get this mad Captain his Complement 
of Men, and fend him packing, elfe he'll over-run the 
Country. 

Wor. You fee, Sir, how little he values your Daugh- 
ter's Difdain. 

rl\MaL I Ukeliim the better; I was juft fuch another 
Fellow at his Age ; I never fet my Heart upon any Wo- 

'^ b much as to inake myfelf un^afy at the IKiap- 
1 2 point- 



3 8 ^he Recruiting Officer. 

pointmcnt ; but what ,was very furprifin^ both to. myfc* 
and Friends, I changed, o* th' fuddcn, from the mol 
iickU Lover, to the moft con/lant Hafband in the World 
But how goes your Affair with Metinda? 

IVor, ^cry ilowly! Cvpid had fprmcjrly Wings, but J 
think, in'ihis Age, he goes upon Crutches; or.l fanq 
Vtnui had been dallying with her Cripple Vulcan whei 
my Amour commenced, which has made it go on fc 
lamely ; my Midrefs has got a Captain too> but fuch s 
Captain ! As I live, yonder he comes. 

Bal. Who ? that bluiF Fellow in the Saih ! I don% 
know him. 

Wor. But I engage he knows you, and every Body a) 
lirfl fight ; his Impudence were a Prodigy, were not hi: 
Ignorance proportionable ; he has the moft univerfal Ao 
quaintance of any Man living, for he won't be alone, am 
Wobody wUl keep him company twice ; then he's a C* 
far among\he Women, l^eni^ Fidi^ Vki^ Hiatus all. I 
he has but talk'd with the Maid, he fwears he has laii 
with the Millrefs.; but the mod furprifing part of hi 
CKarafler is his Memory, which is the tm^ prodigious 
and the moil trifling in the World. 

Bttl I have met with fuch Men, and I take this g(XH 
for-nothing Memory to proceed from a certain Contex 
ture of the Brain, which is purely adapted lo Imperti 
Aencies, and there they lodge fecure, the Owner havinj 
no Thoughts of his own to didurb them. 'I have knowi 
a Man as perfcfl as a Chronologer, as to the .Day ani 
1 Year of moH important Tranfadtions, bat be altogethc 

ignorant in the Caufes, or Confeqyences of any. od 
Thing of moment; I have known another acquire i 
much by Travel, as to tell you the Names of molt Plaa 
in Europe^ \^ith their DiHances of Miles, Leagues, c 
Hours, as pundlually as a PoiUboy ; bu^ for any thin 
elfe, as ignorant as the Horfe that carries the Mail. 

Wor. This is your Man, Sir, add but the Traveller' 
Privilege of Lying, and even that he abufes \ this is th 
Pi!;\ure, behold the Life. , ".' 

Enter Brazen. 

Bra%. Mr. Worthy^ I am youT Servant, and fo /M 
«— Haik*e, my Dear. "^^ 

s ifai 



7bt RecruUing djicer. 59 

Vor, Whifpering, Sir, before Company rs not Man- 
ners, and when Nobody's by, 'tis fboliih. 

Brax. Company ! Mvrt ie ma vU ! 1 beg the Gcntlc- 
nan*a Pardon ; who is he I 

H^or. Aflc him. 

Brax. So I will. M/ Dear, I am your Servant, and 
b forth ;— your Name, my Dear ? 
" Ball. Very Laeonkk, Sfr. 

BroK. Lac9ntck I A vttj gr>od Name truly ; I havd 
Jl^nown feveral of the (acomcks abroad : Poor Jack Laco- 
nick f He wai kiH'd at the Battle of Lahden. I remem- 
ber that he had a Uue Ribbon in his Hat that very I^ay, 
atid after he /ell, we found a piece of Neat's I ongue in 
his Pocket. 

Bal. Przy^ Sir, did the Frgfich attack us, or. we them, 
ftt Landen r* 

Brmc. J he Frwf;& attack us ! Oons, Sir, are you a Jacobite ? 

Bal Why that Quellio'n ? 

Br4iK Becaui'e none bat a J&cobite could think that 
the Frtncb durft attack U6 — Nt), Sir, we attack'd them 
on the — I have reafon to rcmemembcr the Time, for ^ 
had two-and-twenty Horfes kill'd under me that Day. 

Wor. Then, Sir, you mull have rid mighty hard. 
*• Bal. Or perhaps, iHr, like my Countiyman, you rid 
Bppn half a dozen Horfes ar once. 

Brax. What do ye mean, Gentlemen ? I tell you they 
were killed, all torn to pieces by Cannon-fhot,^ except 
^I ftak*d to Death upon the Enemies Cbe^vaux de Fri/i^ 
. BaL Noble Captain, may I crave your Name ?. 
^ Braz, Brazen, at your Servite. 
' Bal. Oh, Brazeuy a very good Nanjje ; I have known 
feveral of the J?rfl2^/»i abroad, 

^r. Do you know one Captain Piume\, Sir ? 

Braz* Is he any thing related to Frank Plume in Kor^ 

thamptonfi)tre f Honeft Fr^«i / many,, many a dry 

Bottle have we crack'd Fland to Fift'; you muft have 
known his Brother CharUi that was concerned in the /«- 
47/1. Company, he married the Daughter of old Tongue-pad, 
the Malter in Chancery^ a very pretty Woman, only 
lifunited a little ; (he died in Childf-bed of her fird Child^ 
but the Child furviv'd, 'twas a Daughter, but whether 
*tvrajl called Margaret or Margery, uipon my Soul, I 
1,3^ Caxi't 



40 Tie Recruiting Ojfiar. 

can't remember, {Looking on his Watch ] But, Gentle* 
men, 1 mufl meet a Lady, a twenty thoufand Founder* 
prefently, upon the Walk by the Water--— ^i^^r/i^l 
your Servant, Laconic yours 1 [Exiu 

Bal. If you can have fo mean an Opinion o^ Midindat 
as to be jealous of this Fellows, I think ihe ought to give 
you cauie to be fo. 
' IVor, I don't think (he encourages him ^ much for 
gair^ing Jierfelf a Lover, as to fet me up a Rival % were 
there any Credit to be given to his Words, I (houM 
btlieve Melinda had made him this Aflignation ; I mo8 
go fee ; Sir, you'll pardon me. [£xcr« 

Bal, Ay, ay. Sir, you're a Man of Builnefs— — Ba( 
what have we got here ? 

Enter Rofc Jtnging. ^ ^ 

Ro/e. And I fliall be a Lady, a Captain's Lady, and 
ride iingle upon a white Horfe with a Star, upon a Vel« 
vet Side-faddle ; and I ihall go to London^ and fee the 
Tombs, and the Lions, and the Queen. Sir^ an pleafe 
your Worfhip, I have often feen your Worihip'ride 
through our Groun<is a hunting, begging your Worfliip^'i 
l^ardon-^-^r-Pray what may this Lace be worth a Yard f . 

[SheiAjing feme Lmci^ 

BaL Right Mechlin^ by this Light i Where did yoi 
get this Lace, Child ? 

Bofe, No matter for that, Sir, I came honeflly by it 

Bal, J .quelHon it much. [AfiJe* 

Bofe, And fee here, Sir, & fine Turkcy-ftiell Sn ^ 
box, and fine Mangerc, fee here, [Takes fnuff affe^ei' 
7he Captain learned me how to take it v^ith an AirJ 

BaL Oho \ the Captain ! Now the Murder's out/tn4 
fo the Captain taught you to take it with an Air. i 

Rofe, Yes, and give it with an Air too— -^Will yoir 
Worfl>ip pleafe to tafte my SnufF ? [Ofen the Box affeSedlf^ 

BaL You are a very apt Scholar, pretty Maid. Awt 
pray, what did yoti give the Captain for thefe fine thingsi 

i^efe. He's to have my Brother for a Soldier, and t«f 
or three Sweet- hearts that I have in the Country, thef 
fliall all go with the Captain : O he's the fineil Man, toii 
the humbled withal ; would you believe it, S]r»'kil| 
carried me up with him to his own Chamber, withli|^ 
much Fam-mam-mill-yararality, as if 1 had been tT 
\)QSt Lady in the J^and. B^ 



The Recruiiing Officer: 4r 

P/r/. Oh ! he's a mighty familiar Gentleman, ai* 
«an be* 

E/tter "Plume Jf'fg-Mg, 
Plume. But it is not /a 

JVitb thofi that gOi 

7J^ro* Frcft and Sjtow^ 

hitift apropo. 

My Maid fwitb thi Milking^paiL 

ITakii bold cf ^ohl'. 
How* the Juftice L ihea I'lh arraign*d» coademn'd, and. 
OQiecuted. 
Bal. 0„ my noble. Captain ! 
Mofi. And my noble Captain toe, Sir. 
Plume, 'Sdeath,. Child, are. you mad ?— Mr. J?^/«»f/, 
r,am fo fall of Bufinefs about my Recruits, that 1 ha'n'tn 
a-Moroent*s time to — 1 have juft notv three or four Pco* 
j^irto— ^ 

Bal. Nay, Captain, I mu(l fpeak to you-^ 

i^j/^. And fo mud 1 too, Captain. 

Ffumt. Any other time. Sir, ^T cannot for my Life^. 

BaI. Fray, Sir 

Piumin Tweoty thoufind Things— 1 would— but-— — 
liowy Sir, pray— Devil take me*— I cannot — I muH— • 

\Buitki aauay^ 
Baf. Nay, Til follow you. \E9cit. 

Ro/t. And I too. \B^iti 

SCENE; Tbe Walks hytbi Severn Sidi. 

Eff/fr Melinda, and ber Maid Lucv. 

*JHf/. And, pray, waa it a Ring, or Buckle, or Pen* 
dants, or Knots? or id what Shape was the almighty 
Gold transform'd, that has brib*d you fo much in hu 
Ilvour? 

' Inr... Indeed, Mad^m, the UH Bribe I had from the 
GaptilijB, wa« only, a fmail piece of Flanders Edging for 
PJnoerSk 

MtL Ay^ f landers Lace is as condant a Prefent from* 
Ofiicers to their Women, as fomething elfe is from their 
Women to them, . They every Year bring over a Cargo . 
of Lace, to cheat the Queen of her Duty, and iier Sab<» 
jcOiB 4>r their HoQ^fty* 
'^ I 4: i»r. 



42 ^be Recruiting Officer. 

Lwc. They only barter one Sort of prohibited Goods 
for another, Madam. 

Mei. Has any of 'em been bartering with you, Mrs. 
Petty that you talk fo like a Trader ? 

Luc. Madam, yoa talk as peevifhly to me« as if it 
were my Fault ; the Crime is none of mine, tho' I pre- 
tend to excufe it : Though he Ihould not fee you this 
Week, can I help it? But as I was faying. Madam — — 
his Friend, Captain Plume^ has fo taken him up thefe 
two Days 

Mel. P(ha ! would his Friend, the Captain, were lied 
upon his Back ; I warrant, he has never been fober fmce 
that confounded Captain came to Town : The Deyil 
take all Officers, I fay — they do the Nation more harm 
by debauching us at home, than they do good by defend- 
ing us abroad : No fooner a Captain comes to Town» 
but all the young Fellows flock about him, and we 
can't keep a Man to ourfelves. 

Luc, One would imagine. Madam, by your Concern 
for Worthy s Abfence, (hat you (hould ufe him becier 
when he*s with you. 

MeL Who told you, pray, that I was conccrn'd for 
his Abfence? I'm only vexed that I've had nothing faid 
to me thefe two Days : One may like the Love, and de- 
(pife the Lover, 1 hope ; as one ni?y love the Treafon, 
and hate the Traitor. O ! here comes another Captain^ 
and a Rogue that has the Confidence to make Love to 
- me ; but, indeed, I don't wonder at that, when he has 
the Affurance to fancy himfelf a fine Gentleman, 

luc. If he (hould fpeak o'th' Aflignation, 1 (hould be 
ruin'd. [JJUe. 

Enter Brazen. 

Brax. True to the Touch, 'faith ! {/fjide 1 Madam, I 
am yovir humble Servant, and all that, Madam ? A fine 
River this lame Severn — Do you love Filhir.g, Madam ? 

Mel. ' ris a pretty melancholy Amufement for Lovers. 

Brax. I'll go buy Hooks and Lines prefently ; for you 
muft know. Madam, that 1 have ferv'd in Ffattders 
again U ihe French^ in Hungary againft the Turkic and in 
^ utigier agwinik the MBoru and 1 was never fo n\uch in 
Love before i and fplit me. Madam, in all the Cam- 
paigns 



paigns T evtt mad^ I ha7e not feen fo fine a Womao as 
your Ladyihip 

Mel. And from all thie Mjcn I ever faw, I never had* 
fo fine a Compliment*: But* you. Soldiers are the beft 
bred Men, that we maft allow. 

Bra%. Some of as, Mstdam But tbeire are Brutes 

among as too, very. fad'Brutes; for my own pirt, I have 
always had the good Luck to prov/e agrceaole— T have 
had very confideraWc Offers^ Madam— —.1 might have 
married a German Princefs, worth fihy thoufand Crowns 
a-Year,. but her Stove difgufted me. The Daughter of 
ttYurklJh Bajhanu fell in Love with me too, when 1 was 
Prifoner amojlig the Infidels ; ftie offered to rob her Fa- 
ther -of his Treafore, and make' her Efcape with me : 
But I don^ know how; my time was not come ; Hanging 
and Marriage, .you knpw., go by Dettiny. Fate ha? re- 
fev'd mc iOT 3,Shropfl)ire h?iAy worth tweilty thodfand 
Poi^nds — Do. you know any fuch Peribn» Mrdam ? 

Mel: Extravagant Coxcomb I [^tf^/f.] To be fure, a 
great*'many Ladies of that Fortune would be proud of the 
Nairie of Mrs Braz,en, 

Braz. Nay, for that: matter. Madam, there arc Wo- 
men of very good Quality of the Name of Brazen. 
1 E*'ter Worthy. 

MeL O! are you there. Gentleman? — Come, Cap. 
tain; we'll walk this Way, give me your Hand. 
. Mraz, My Hand, Heart's Blood and Guts ar^ at your 
S^ice — Mr. Worthy, your Servant, my Dear, 

[^Exit lea/Jtng ISJelinda. 

FFori Death and Fire ? this is not to be borac. 

£«/£/■ Plume, . ' 

Plume, No more it is, faith, 

U^or. Whap; 

Plume. The Mardf Beer at ihe }^atven\ I have been 
doubly ferving the Queen — raifi'ng Men, and raifing the 
Excife — Recrniring and Elections are rare Friends to the 

»r£^^, 'Yon aVt drunk. ' \ .. \ 

Plume, liOf HO, whittifical onlyj I could be migKty^ 

foblilh, and fancy. myCelf mighty witty. Reafon ftili. 

keeps its Throne, bat it nods a little, that's |U. 
fF9r. Then you're juft fit for a Frolic, 

* - I ; 



48 7ie Recruiting Officer. 

Braz^, How dare yoa contend for any thing, and not* 
daf e to draw youii^Sword I But you are a young Fellow^ 
and have not been much abroad ; 1 excufe that ; but: 
prithee refign the Msm, prithee do j you are a very ho- 
ned Fellow. 

Plume. You lye ; and you are a Son of a Whore. 

[Draivs, and maAes up to Brazen. 

Bra%, Hold, hold, did not you refufe to fight for 
the Lady ? [Rairing. 

Plume. I always do-^But for a man Til fight Knee^ 
deep ; (eryovt lye again. [Plome^ff^ Enztn^gbt a Tra- 
tverje or Two afiout the Stage ; Sylvia ifraws^ ivbo is held 
iy Kite,- woho- founds to Armi nuith his Mouth \ takes Sylvia 
in bis Arms , and earriei her off the Stage. 

Braz. Hold, where's the Mah ? 

Plume. Gone. 

Braz. Then what do we £ght for ? [Puts MpS\ No^ 
let*8 embrace, my Dear. 

Plume: With all my Heart, my Dcar^ [^Putting upj] t 
fuppofd KitehtLS lifted him. by this time. [Emhraces; 

Kite hfiks in andjin^s^ 

B¥a%, You are a brave Fellow,, I always fight with a 
Man before I make him my. Friend ; and if 'once 1 find 
he will fight, I never quarrel with hyaa afterwards. 

— T^i And now Til telt you a Secret,^ my dear Friend, 

that Lady we frighted out of the Walk iiift now, I found 
in bed this Morning — So beautiful, to inviting— -I pre- 
fently lockM the Door-^But I am a Man of Honour — — 
Bu< I believe I (hall marry her neverchelefs— Her twentjr 
thoufand Pounds, you know, will be pretty Conveniency 
•*— I had an ^fiignation with her here, but your coming 
^oird my Sport. Curfe you, my D^ar, but don't do m 
again-* 

Plume* N0| no, my Dear, Men are my Bofinefs at. 

7ieEndoftbi:nitJAQT. 



ACT^ 



TBe RicruUifgg Ogicir. 45 

Thhu Petrlt/s Princtfi e^tfafepitnV PUim^ 

StoK. Oons, Sir> not £gHt for her t ' 
Fkm. Prithee be qaiet— I fhall be out^-^ 

BiUUf .ho*w hnmhfy dm thi Severn gj^^^' 
79 greet tJkie, Princ(/} eftbe Severn SiVr- 

Braz* Don't mind him,. Madani'-^— — If he were DOtib ' 
well dcefsM* I (hould take him for a Poet— But I'll (hew 
you the Difference prefently— Come, Madam,— we'll ^ 

elace you between ua^ and now. the longed Sword carries \ 
ST. \Pr0iViiu^ 

Mel \ZhrU\lniY 

Enter Worthy; 
Oh ! Mr* Worthy^ fav« me from thefe Madmen* 

[Exittwith Worthy. . 
P/ume. Ha, ha, ha! why don't you foUow, Sir f and ^ 
fight the bold Ravilher. 

Sraz, No, Sir, you aremy Man< 
Plume- I don'tJixe the Wages, I won't i)e yourMan^. 
JBraz. Then you're not wortn my Sword. 
Piume. No ! Pray what did it cod? 
Braz* It coft me twenty Pilloles in France^ and my ^ 
Enemies thoufands of Lives in Flanderf. . 
Plume. Then they had a dear Bargain. 

Enter Syhisii ft. Man*4 ^ff^reU^ 
SyL SaVeye^ fave^^e, Gentlemen. 
fretz. My Dear ! I'm. yours, 
P/ume, Do you know the Gentleman J 
^r«a;..No, but 1 will prefently—— Your Name, tayr 
dear? 

SvL Wilful i Jack Wilful, at your Service. 

-Sr^as* What, the Kintijk WUfulf^ or ihofc of ^M^cr<^- 

Sjl. B6th, Sir both ; Tm related ta all the Wti/ah ijiw. 
Sj^*pit and l*m Head of the Family at prefent* 

Ptumi» Do you live in this Country,. Sir ? 

Sjl, Yes, Sir, I live. where 1 Hand; I have neither. 
Hone, Houfe, nor Habitation^ beyond thia Spct oi 
prottiid. 
. JEEci««. What arc yoa. Six I 



46 The Ricmiing Offiar. 

Sjl. A Rake.' 

Flum. In the Army, I prefunae. 

$jl. No, but I intend to lift immediately-— ^Look'e, 
Gentlemen, he that bids the faireil» has me. 

Braz, Sir, I'll prefer you> ril make you a Corporal 
thiv Minute. • 

P/umi. Corporal I Til make you my Companion, yoo* 
fliall eat with mo. 

Braz You (hall drink with me. 

P/timi. You (hall lie with me, yot^ young Rogue. 

BraK, You Aall receive your Pay, and do no Duty. 

Sti. Then you mull make me a Field Officer. 

Flumi^ Pho^ pho, pho! I'll do more than all this; 
I'll make you a Corpora^ and give you a Brevet for Ser* 
jeant. ^ 

BrdK Can you read and write, Sir ? 

Sfl. Yes. 

BraK Then your Bufinefs is done— ——1*11 make yoo: 
Chaplain to the Rrgimeiyt, 

SjK Your Promifes are (a equal, that Tm tt a lofs to 
chufe ; there is one Plume, that I hear much commended-. 
hi Town ; pray which of you is Captain Plumf* 

Plume, lam Captain P/«/»/. 

Brax. No, no, 1 am Captain Plumtj 

Syi. Hey day f * 

Plume, Captain Plume/ I'm your Servant, my Dears 

Bra. Captain Braxeni I am yours — the Fellow dares 
not fight, ., [Ajidi* 

Enter Kite. 

Kite, Sir, if you pleafe— [Goes to nvhifper Flume. 

Plume. No, no, there's your Captain. Capt. Plume^ 
yoor Serjeant has got fo drunk, he miftakes me for you. 

Braie,, He's an^incorri^^ible Sot. — Here, my Hedtor of 
Holborn, here's forty Shillings for you. 

Plume. \ forbid tne Banns.— Look'e Friend,, you^fhall: 
lift with Captain Brazen. 

Sfl. I will fte Captain Brazen hang'd fivik ; I will lift 
wiih Captain Plume^ I am a Free-born En^ijhman, and 

will be a Slave my own Way Look*e, wr, will yoii 

ftand by me ! [f(? Brazen*. 

BraTf^ 1 warrant you^ my Lad« ' 

Syll 



The Recamiing Offiar. 49 

^^7. Then I will tell you, Capuia BraKfn^ [f# Plumel 
that you are an ignorant, pretCAding* impiMleac Cox- 
comb. 

Bra%, Ay» ay, a fad Dog. 

^yL A very fad Dog ; give me the Money, nobUCap^ 
tain Plume. 

Ptunu. 1 hen you won*tli(l with Captain Braxtnl 
SyL I won't. 

/iraz. Never mind him. Child, V\\ end the Difpute 
prcfcnily— Hcark*e. my Dear. 

[^Tahs Plume fo oks Si^g 9/ tbi Stage^ m/ui iMtirimitt 
him 14 Jumb Shonv, 
Kiu. Sir, he in the plain Coat is Captain P/mmi^ I am 
his Scrjv-^ant, and will take my Oath on't. 
yyl. What! you are Serjeant A'//#. 
kite. At your Service. 

iSV Then I would not take your Oath for a Farthing. 
kite. A very underftanding Youth of ht< Age ! i'ray. 
Sir. let me look full in your Face ? 

Syi, Wtill, Sir, what have you to f^y to my Face? 
kite. The very Image of my Brother ; two Bullets of 
the fame Caliver were never io like : S^te it nuA be 
Charles , Csharles 
SyL What d'ye mean by Chmrles f 
kite. The Voice too, only a little Variation in Ejm 
utflat: My dear Brother, for I mall call you fo, if you 
fhould have the Fortune to enter into the moft DoUe 
Society of the Sword, I befpeak you for a Comrade. 

SjL No, Sir, I'll be the Captain's Comrade* if any 
Body's. 

Kite. Ambition there again f 'Tis a noble Paffion for 
a Soldier ; by thit 1 gain'd this glorious Halberi. Am* 
()iiion ! I fee a Commiflion in his Face already ; Praj, 
noble Captain^ give me leave to faluie you, 

[pffirs H Ofi ifr, 
SyL What, Men kifs one another. 
Kite. We Officers do ; *tis our way ; we live together 
like Man snd Wife, always either kifling or Aghting :-« 
But I fee a Storm coming. 

SyL Now, Serjeant, I (hall fee who is your Captain by 
your knocking down the other. 
Kiti* My. Captain fcorns AMance, Sir. 

Br«au 



48 7ie Rtcrultini Officer. 

Braxy How dare yoo contend for any thingf and not* 
dare to draw your/tfword ? But you are a youn? Fellow, 
and have not been much abroad ; I excufe that ; but: 
prithee refign the Man, prithee do ; yoo are a very ho« 
SRft Fellow. 

P/um4. You lye ; and vou are a ^n of a Whore. 

f Draws, and moAes up to Brazen. 

Srax, Hold, hold, did not you refuie to fight for 
the Lady f [Rairing, 

Piume, I always do-*But for a man Til light Knee^ 
deep ; foyou lye again. [Plomc ^v^ Brazen^^^r a Tra* 
<verfe or Two afiout tbt Stage ; Sylvia draws^ wbo is held 
iy Kite^ wbojounds to Arms with bis Moutk ; takes Sylvia 
in bis Arms , and earries ber off tbe Stage, 

Braz. Hold, where's the Man ? 

Plume, Gone. 

Braz. Then what do we fight for? [Puts up, 1 Novf 
let*8 embrace, my Dear. 

Pkfne With all my Heart, my Dear.. {Putting up.'] f 
fuppofe KifehM lifted him. by this time. [^Embraces i 

Kite hjiks in andjin^t% 

B^ax, You are a brave Fellow^ I always figh-t with a 
Man before I make him my Friend ; and if once 1 find 
he will fight, I never quarrel with him afterwards. 
And now Til tell you a Secret, my dear Friend, 
that Lady we frighted out oftlie Walk j.uft now, I found 
in bed tnis Morning — So beautiful, to inviting— -I pre- 
fently locked the Door— But I am a Man of Honour — — 
Bu< I believe I (hall marry her neverchelefs— Her twentjr 
thoufand Pounds, you know, will be pretty Cooveniency 
•^I had an ^fiignation with her here, but your coming 
fpoird my Sport. Curfe you, my Dear, but don't do iS 
again** 

Plume. N0| no, my Dear, Men are my Bufinefs at : 
prefeni* \fixeuMt^ 

neZndoftbefrbitdhQrC. 



AC'^' 



Tbi Rearuiiing Offitit. ^^ 

ACT IV. 
SCENE, Tti fTali coHiimiCs. 

Emter Rofe m'nd Bollock, meetimg. 
\ 7 Here kave yoa been, you great Booby ? 709 
are always out of the way id the cime of 



Piefcnneiic* 

BmL Preferment ! who fliould prefer me ? 

Rwfo. I would prefer you ! wno fhoutd prefer a Man 
but A Womao ? Come* throw away that ereat Club, 
hold up your Head, cock your Hat, and Iook big. 

Bmi* A\k Pit^Jit R^}/tf i fear fbmc body will look h\g 
(boner than Folk think of: This genteel Breeding never 
cornea into the Country without a l*rain of Folkiwer?.— 
Here has been Qmrtwl^ti your Sweetheart, what will be-* 
come of him ? 

Ibffi. Look*e, I'm a ereat Woman, and will provide 

for mv Relations : «i told the Captain how finely ho 

play*a upon the Tabor and Pipe, fo he has let him dowa 
lor Orum*major. 

But. Nay, SiAer, why did not you keep that Place for 
ine f you know J have always lov^d to be a drumming, 
if it were but on a Table, or on a Quart Pot. 
Enter Sylvia. 

SyL Had I but a Commifiion in my Pocket, I fancjr 
my Breeches would become ne as well as any ranting 
Follow of *em all $ for I uke a bold Step, a rakifli Tofs, 
a froart Cock, and an impudent Air, to be the principal 
Ingredients in the Comoofition of a Captain-^-*- What's 
liere? Rc/t i my Nurfe^s Daughter ! Pll go and pra^ife 
— Come, C hild, kifs me at once, \^Kiffet Rofe] and her 
Brother tool ■■Well, honeft Dunj^fork^ do you know 
the difference between a Horfe and Cart, and a Cart 
Morfe, eh } 

Buf* I prefume that your Woribip is a Captain, by 
your Cloatns and your Courage. 

Sji. Suppofe 1 were, would you be contented to Ii(l« 
Friend I 

Rffi% NOi ttO| tHough your Worilup be a baodfome 

1A^t$ 



Man, there be others ai fine asyou). my Brother is eD» 

gaged to Captain Piumi, 

Syl. Plumt I Do you know Cti^taki Flumt ? 

Ro/e. Yes, I do, and be knowi mn— He took the Rib* 
bands out of hiif Shirt S1cev«9| ani put 'effi-in(o my 
Shoes — See there^I can aiTure yQv tbac I can do any 
thing with the Captain. 

Bid. Thit 11. ID a niodeA way. Sir.^-— Hate'a care 
ivh^tyoufay* Rut^t don't diaoie yfMir.Par«ntafe» 

ko/t N&y, for that niatter* I amnotfo finpleatto. 
fay that 1 can do any thing wicb tha Captaior but what I 
may do with any body die, 

SjfL 80 !■■ ■ And pray what do yoo expert from this 
Captain, Child f . 

Rc/i, lexped:, Sir 1-— Faxpe£l-«»Bathe Qrdcr^d me to 
tell Nobody*— 'But foppofe that he flioald propofe to 
marry me ? 

. Sy^, You (hoald hare a care, my* Dear» Med will p'o« 
mife any thing before-hand. 

R»/e, I know chat, bat he promiie'd to marry me af« 
terwards. • • 

BhL Wouns,. ^Kii/i, what have yoBi feid ? 

Syl. Aftcrw;rdb: After what ? 

Ro/i» After i had loid my Chickens.— -I hope theve's 
1^ harm in that. 

Enttr- Phi me. 

P/ume, What, Mr. fy'tJ/ul, fo clofe with my Market* 
Woman ! 

Sri. ni try if he lotres her. [J/dt.} Clofe^ Sir^ ayi 
and clofer yet, Sir-<-Comei my piecry Maid, youondl 
will withdraw a little/ 

Plumt. No, i)o. Friend, I ha*nt done with her yet. 

SyL Nqt have I begun with her, fo 1 have as gQo4* 
Right as you have. 

Plume. Thou art a bloody impudent PeHow, 

^/ . Sir, .1 would qualify m^^ielf for the Service. 

flume. Had thou really a mind to the Service. 

SyU Yes, ^'vt : So let her go. 

Rofe, Pray, Gentlemen, don't be fo violent. 

Piume Co0e# leave it to the Girl's own Choice . ■ ■ ■■ 
Will you belong 10 me, or to that Gentleman ? 

Refi^ Lccmeconiider» you're hoih very haiidfome; 

tlfunt. 



Tbi Recruiting Officer. 51 

mi» Now the natural Inconftaocx of her Sex begins 

rk. 

/. Pray. Sir, what will you give me ? 

. Dunna be angrv. Sir; that my Siller (hould be 

:nerary, for (he'i b\it young. 

Give thee. Child !— (Ml iti thee above Scandal ; 
kail have a Coach, with fix before and fix behind ; 
luipage to make Vice fa(hionable, and put Virtue 
\ countenance, 

me, Pho, that'f eafily done ; I'll do more for thee, 
« I'll buy you a Furbeloe- Scarf, and give .you a 
It to fee a Play. 

I. A Play 1 Wajins, Ru^t, take the Ticket, and 
ire the Shovir. 

Look*e, Captain I if you won't refigni Pll go lift 
Captain Bnnun this Minute. 
me. Will you lift with me if I give up my Title } 
, 1 will. 

mt. Take hefj Til change a Woman for a Man at 
me. 

It I have heard before, indeed, th^t you Captains 
a fcLl your Men. 
I Pray, Captain, do not fend Rut/t to the Wifttrn 

me. Ha, ha, ha, WifiJndiu!' No, no, my honeft 
give me thy Hand ; nor you, nor (he, (hall move 

farther than I do This Gentleman is one of us, 

'ill be kind to you, Mrs. Ro/e. 

7. Dut will you be fo kind to me. Sir, as the Cap- 

/ould? 

. I can't be altogether fo kind to you, my CHrcum- ' 

;s are not fo good as the Captain's; but l*Jl take 

of you, u^on my Wed. 

f/w«. Ay, ay, we'll all take Care of her ; (he (hall 

ike a Princcfs, and her Brother here (hall be 

: would you be? 

'. O ! Sir 1 If you had not promis*d the Place of 

I major— 

tmt. Ay, that is promised*— But whar think you of 

ck mailer ? Vou are a Perlbn of Underilanding, 

lai rack-mailer you (hall be. - But what's become of 

amc Cart-wbiel you told mc of, my Dear ? 

Rofi. 



52 Tie Recruiiing Officer. 

R^fi, We'll go fetch him. — Come, Brother Barrack^ 
mailer— We (hall find you at home, noble Caprain ? 

\Ex€unt Rofe and Bullock. 

Plumt^ Ye», yes ^ and now^ Sir, here are your fortjj, 
Shi lings. 

6y. Captain ?hmt^ I defpife yoor liflitig money ; if I 
doferve, 'tis purely for Love *-^ of that WekTch, i rocan> 
— ^-i-or yon mull know, that among my other Sallies, 
1 have fpent the bed part of my i*ortane in fearch of a' 
Maid, and could never find one hitherto ; ib you may be 
alTurM rd not fell my Freedom auder a.lefs Purcbafe 
than ] did my £Hate-*So before 1 lift, 1 mnii be ceriified 
thai this Girl is a Virgin. 

Flumi, Mr. WilfuU i can't tell you how yoa can he- 
certified in that Point till you try % but upon my Hononr 
ihe may be a Veftal for oaght that 1 know to the con*^ 
trary.^— I ^ain*d her Heart iiideed by fiime trifling Prefents. 
and Promifes, and knowing that the beft Secuntv for a 
Woman's H<^t is her Perfon» I would have made m^'^ 
fejf Mailer of that too» had not the Jealoiify of my im*> 
pertinent. Landlady, interpos-d* 

^yl. So you only want an Opportumty for acGomplifli«>' 
i9g your Defigns upon heix 

Plume. Not at all ; I have^ already gained my Endi^ 
which were only the drawing in one or two of her Fol* 
lowers. The Women, you know, are the Loadflones 
t^tty where ; gain the Wives, and you arc carefs'd by 
the Hu/bands ; pieafe the Miftrefs, and you are vahied- 
hy the Gallants ; fecure an Intereft with the fineft Wo-, 
men at Court, and you procure the Favour of the great* 
ell Men-«-So kifs the prettied -Country-wenches, and you 
are fure of lifting the luftieft Fellows. Some people may 
call this Artifice, but I term it Straugem, fince it is fo 

main a part of the Service Befides, the Fatigue of 

Recruiting is fo intolerable, that unlefs we CQuld make 
ourfelveslome pleafure amidft the Pain, no mortal Maa. 
would be able to bear it. 

SyL Well, Sir, I am fatisfied as to the Point in Debate i- 
but now let me beg you to lay afide your Recruitings 
Airs; put on the Man of Honour, and tell me plainly^ 
what Ufage I muft expe£l when; I am under your Com« 
nu^nd I 



^i Recruiting Officer. 3 j 

PJmmt» Yoa muft.know, in the fird place, rhcn, that 
I hate to have Gentlemen in my Company ; for they are 
always troublefome and expenfive, fjniotinies dangerous ; 
and 'tis a conllant Maxim amongft us, that thole who 
know the lealV, obey the bell. Notwithlhnding all 
this« I find fomething (b agreeable about you, that en- 
pgea me to couit your Company; and 1 can't tell how 
It is, but I fliould be unea(y to fee you under the Com-< 
mand of any body elle— Your Ufage will chiefly depend 
opon your Behaviour ; only lliis you mull cxped, that it* 
yott commit a fmali Fault. I will excuse it; if a great 
one, iMl difcharge you ; for fomething telli me« 1 (hall 
not be able to punilh you. 

SjL And fomething tells me, that if you do difcharga 
me, 'twill be the greateft Puniihment. you can inflidt ; ^r 
were we this Moment to go upon the greateft Dangers in 
your Profeflion, they would be lefs terrible to me, than 
to ftay behind you— And now your Hand, this lilU me-— 
And now you are my Captain. 

Pimm. Your Friend, [Kijjiei her.'] 'Sdeath ! There's 
Ibmething in this Fellow that charms me. 

Sji, One Favour I mall beg-<— I'his Affair will make 
ibme noi(e, and 1 have foroe Friends that would cenfure 
my Cgnduvtl. if 1 threw my I'elf into the Circumilance of 
a private Centinel of my own Head-—! mud therefore 
take care to be impiell by the Ad of Parliament, you 
ihall leave that to me. 

PiuM$, What you pleafe as t ) that ■ ■ Will yoo- 

lodge at my Quarters in the mean time } You Ihall have 
part of my Red. 

SyL O fyt I Lie with a common Soldier ! Would not 
you rather lie with a common Woman ? 

Piumt. No, faith. Tin not that Rake that the World 
imagines ; I have got an Air of Freedom, which People 
millake for Lewdnefs in mc, as they miilake Formality 
in others for Religion->«The World is all a Cheat ; only 
I take mine, which is undcfignM, to be more excufaMo 
than cheirs, which is hypocritical. J hurt Nobody but 
myself, and they abufe all Mankindo-^Will you lie wiili 
me? 

SjL No, no, Captain, you. forget Roji ; Ihe's to be 
suy Jicdfdlow, you know. 



54 7'^^ RearuUing Cffiiit: 

Plum. I had forgot ; ptky be kind to her. 

{Extant fiviratijf^ 
Entir Melinda mmI Lacy. 

Mel. 'Tis the greateft Mitrortane in Natnre fi>r'a Wo- - 
man to want a CooMent : We are To weark, that we caa 
do nothing without AffilUnce, and then a Secret racki • 

ui worfe than the Cholic ) am at thii Minute to lick 

of a fecret. that Vm ready to £unt away— Help oie, Luc^. 

Luc. Blefs mft, Madam ! what'i the Matter f 

Mil. Vapours only, I i^egin lo recover^— '-—Tf ^Aota 
were in Town, 1 could heartily forgive her Faolct for the 
l^afe of difcovering my own. 

Luc. You're thoughtful^ Madam I am not 1 worthy 
to know the Caufe ? 

Mil, You are a. Servant^ and & Secmt may make yo« 
fcacy. 

. Luc. Not unle&yoa fhouldfind fadcwithoota Caafe^. 
Madam. 

MiL Caufe or not Caufe, I mu0 not ]of» rhe Pleaforr 
of chiding when I pleafe ;. Women nuift difcharge theif 
Vapours fomewhere. and before we get Hufbandf oar 
Servantf mud expedt to bear with *em« 

Luc. Then, Madam, you had better raife me to a De« 
greeabovea Servant: Yoa ki^ow my Family, and that 
500 /. would fet me upon the foot of a Gentlewoman, 
auid make me worthy the Confidence of any Lady in the 
Land ; befides. Madam, 'twill extremely encourage me 
isi the great Defign I now have in hand. 

MeL 1 don't find that your Deiign can be of any great 
Advantage to you : * Twill pleaie me, indeed, in the 
Humour I have of being revengM 00 the Fool for his Va- 
nity of making Love to men \o I don't much care if £ 
do promife you five, hundred Pounds upon my Day of 
Marriage. 

Luc, This is the way, Madam, to make me diligent 
in ihe Vocation of a Confident, which I think is gene- 
rally to bring Per.ple together. 

MeL O Lucy ! I can hold my Secret no Tonger : Vout 
muil know, that, hearing of the famous Fortune-teller in 
Town, I went difguifed to fatisfy a Curiofity, which hal 
cok me dcdr :. TJiat Fellow is. certainly the Devil, or one 

of 



Tie Recruiting Officer^ gg 

' t>t fai9:^Bo0in4kvoafit€», he Has told me the moft fari'rif. 
ing Things of my paft Life ? — 

Luc, l'.hing« patt, Madam, can hardly be reckdn'd 
furprifing, becauffc we know them already. Did he cell 
yoo any thing furpf iiiiig that was to -come ? 
. M/. One thin«» ^try furprifir^ ; he faid I fliould die a 

Atf4Ud! 

Luc. Die a Maid ! Come into the World for nothing 
^^DtW' Mad^Hn, if yoa (hould believe him, it might 
come to pafs ; for the bare thought on't might kill one 
in four-and- twenty Hx>ur9— And did you aik him any 
Qceftions alx>ut me ? 

MeL Yon! Why, I pafs'd fi}r yoo. 

Luc. So *tis I that am to'die a Maid-~Butthe Dbvil 
'Waa a Liar from the beginning, he can't make me die a 
Maid — I have put it out of his Power already. \,^JtJf» 

Mil, 1 do but jeft, i would have pafs'd for you, and 
caird mvfelf Lucy ; but he prefently told me my Name, 
my Quality, my Fortune, ai d gave me the whole Hif- 
tory of my Life-^-*He told me of a Lover I had in this 
Coumqp, and dcfcribed ^vrt/jy exadlly, but in nothing 
• fo well as in his prefect Indifference. — I fled to him for 
Refoge here to-day, he never fo much as encouraged me 
in my fright, but coldly told me, that he was forry for 
the Accident,' becaufe it might give the Town caufe to 
cenfiire my Condud, excused his not waiting on mc 
home, made me a carelefs Bow, and wdlk'd o^; 'SdeathI 
J could have (labb'd him, or myfelf, 'twas the fame thing 
•—Yonder he comes — I will fo ufe him ! 

Luc, Don't exafperate him, confider what the Fortune- 
teller told you : Men are fcarce, and as Times go, it is 
not impoflible for a Woman to die a Maid. 
Enter Worthy. 

MeL No matter. 

fTor. I find fhe's warm'd, I mull ftrike while the Iron 
is hot— ^— You have a great deal of Courage, Madam* to 
venture into the Walks where you were fo lately 
frightened.. 

AfiL And you have a quantity of Impudence to ap^ 
pear before me, that you have fo lately affronted. 

Wir. I had no dcfign to affront you, nor appear before 
yoo ctther. Madam; 1 left yoa here, beCaufe i had Buii- 

neia 



•^6 ^FbiRicruking Oficef: 

nefs in another Place, and came hither thinking to m 
another Perfon, 

Mel. Since you find yourfelf difappointed, I ho 
you'll withdraw to another part of (he Walk. 
, If^or. The Walk is broad enough for us both. [f< 
tiuaU hy out another ^ hi with his Bat eock'dt fie fretti 
'and tearing her Fan,"] Will you plcafe to take Snuff, N5 
dam I {He offers her his Bex, fieftrikes it out of his Han 
MAihiJe he is gathering it up^ Brazen takes her round 
Waift^ cuffs him. 

Enter Brazen. 

Bfax, What, here before roe, my Dear! 

MeL What means this infolence ? 

Luc. Are you mad ! Don'^ you fee Mr* Worthy ? 

[To Brazi 

Braz. No, no, I'm ftruck blind——^<7r/^ / od 
well turn'd — My Miftrefs has Wit ather Fingers ends- 
l^adam, 1 afk your Pardon, 'tis our way abroad^— ^ 
Worthy i you are the happy Man. 

Wor. i don't envy your happinefs very much, if 1 
Lady caii afford np other fojrt of Favours but what i 
has beftow'd upon ypu. 

Mel I am forry the Favour mifcarried, for it was < 
fign'd for you, Mr. Worthy ; and be aiTur'd 'tis the 1 
and only Favour you muft expert at my Hands. -^Ci 
tain, I afk your Pardon—— [Exit with Lu( 

Braz. I grant it- — You fee Mr. Worthy ^ 'twas onl; 
Random-fhot, it might have taken off your Head as «! 
as mine ; Courage, my Dear, 'lis the Fortune of Wi 
but the Enemy has thought fit to withdraw, I think. 

Wor. Withdraw 1 Oons, Sir I what d'ye mean 
withdraw ? 

Brax. I'll fhew you. 

Wor, She's loft, irrecoverably lofl, and Plume's Adv 
ha^ ruin'd me : 'Sdeath ! why ihould *I, that knew J 
haughty Spirit, be rul'd by a Man that^s a Stranger 
her Pride? 

Enter Plume. 

Plume. Ha, ha, ha, a Battle Royal : Don't frown 

. Aflan, (he's your own, I tell you : I faw the Fury of 1 

Love in the Extremity of her Paffion : The Wildoefi 

her Anger is a certain Sign that Ihe lovea yoii to M; 

Hi 



TOr Recruiting Officer. j^y 

mtts. That Rogue Kiti began the Battle with abundance 
of ConduA, and will bring you off" vidorious, mv Life 
on*c ; he plays his part admirably, ihe*s to be with hitn 
jigain prefently. 

fV^r. Bat what could be the Meaning of Brazett*t 
■Familiarity with her ? 

Plkmi. You are no Logician, if you pretend to draw 
"Confeqaencf 8 from the Anions of Fools : l'here*8 no 
arguing by the Rule of Reafon upon a Science without 
Principles, and fuch is their Condudt-*-— Whim, unac- 
codnuble Whim, hurries *em on like a Man drunk with 
Brandy before ten o'Clock in the Morning — But we lofe 
our Spoit— — iT/Vf has open'd above an hour ago, let's 
-away* lExeumi^ 

SCENE, J Cbamher ; a Table nuitb Books Md Ghheu 

Kite difguis'd in a firange Habit ^ fitting at a Table. 

Kite. [Rifing."] By the Pofuion of the Heavens, gain'd 
from my Oblcrvauon upon thefe Celedial Globes, I 
find that Luna was a Tide-waiter, S§1 a Surveyor, Mer- 
cury a Thief, Fenus a Whore, Saturn an Alderman, Ju' 
jfiier a Rake, and Mars a Serjeant of Grenadiers ; ans^ 
this is the Syftem of Kite the Conjuror. 
Etfter Plume and Worthy, 

Plusne. Well, what Succefs ? 

Kite, I have ient away a Shoemaker and a Taylor al* 
ready ; one's to be a Capt lin of Marines, and the other 
^ft-Major of Dragoons — 1 am to manage them at Night— 
Have you feen the Lady, Mr. Worthy ? 

Wor. Ay, but it won't do — Have you (hew'd her her 
'Name, that I tore off from the bottom of the Letter ? . 

Kite. No, Sir, I referve that for the lafl Stroke. 

Plume, What Letter? 

Wor* One that I would not let you fee, for fear that 
you (hould br^ak Windows in good earned. Here, Cap- 
tain, put it into your Pocket-book, .and have it ready 
-upon Occafion [KnocUng at the Door. 

Kite. Officers to your Pofts. Tyeho minH ihe Door. 
\ExeuntY\\imt and Worthy. Servant opens the Door, 
Enter a Smith. 

Smith, Well. Mafter, are you the Cunning-man ? 

JSate, I am the learned Copernicus^ 

Smithy 



58 tbi Rieruitiiig tffictr. 

Smith. Welly Mufteft Vm but a poor Man, and 1 
can*( ktf'ord above a Shilling for my fortune. 
. Kin* I'erhaps that is more than *tta worth. 

Smith. Loi K>, DoAor, lee me have foiDethin|[ that's 
good for my Shilling, or Til have m^ Money team. 

Kiti, If there be Faith in. the Stan, you Aall havt 
your SKilline forty-fold Your Hand, Couotrynlau, 

you're by 1 rade a Smith. 

Smith How the Devil Oiould yon know t^at ? 
Kite. Becaufe the Devil and you are Brother-tradef- 
men—- You were born under Fortefs. 
Smith. Forceps ! what* that ! 

Kiti. One of the Sigiis : There's Lett Sagittarius^ T^f* 
<9f$^ Furnet^ Dixmu^it Namur, BrnJJih^ Charieroy, and 
fo forth — Twelve of 'em — Let me fee— —Did you ever 
make any Bombi or Cannon-ballets } 
Smith, Not r. 

Kite. Yoo either have or will — ^The Stars have decreed, 
that you (hati be ■ I rouft have more Money, Sir— 

Your Fortune*8 great. 
Smith. Faith, DoAor, I have no more. | 

Ki/e. O Sir, Til trufi you, and take it out of yoor 
Arrears. 

Smitl\ Arrears ! what Arrears ? 
Kitf. The five hundred Pounds that's owing to yoo 
from the Government. 
^mith. Owing me I 

Kite. Owinp you. Sir— Let me fee your t'other Hand 
•—I beg your Pardon, it will be owine to you : And the 
Rogue of an Agent will demand Fifty per Cent, for a 
Forinij>hi'8 Advance. 
Smith. Vm in the Clouds, Do61or, all this while* 
Kite. Sir, 1 am above 'em, among the Stars — In two 
Years, three Months, and t«»o Hours, you will be made 
Captain of the Forges to the Grand Train of Artillery, 
and will have ten Shillings a Day, and two Servant s-r— 
'Tis the Decree of the Stars, and of the fixed Stars, that 
are as immoveable as your Anvil — Strike, Sir, while ttie 
Iron is hot — Fly, Sir, be gone. 

Smith. What ! what would vou have me do, Doflor? I 

wi^ the Stars would put me in a way for this fine Place. 

JOte. 1 he Stiu-s do— •let me fee^ay^ about an Honr 

hence 



^e kecmting Officer. 59 

iitnte wtlk'careltrsly into the Market-place, and you'll 
lee a tall, flender Gentleman, baying a Pennyworth of 
Apples, with a Cane hanging upon his Button — —This 

Xjentleman will aflc you what's a Clock He's your 

Man, «nd the Maker of your Fortune Follow 

him, follow him -And now go home, and take 

leave of yonr Wife and Children ; an Hoar hence exactly 
is your Time. 

Smi/L A tall flender Gentleman, you fay, with a 
Cane I Pray, what fort of Head has the Cane ? 
Kite. An Amber Head with a black Ribbom 
Smith, And pray of what Employment is the Gentle* 
nan ? 

Kiti. Let me fee, he's either a CoUeflor of the Excifc, 
or a Plenipotentiary, or a Captain of Grenadiers ■ I 
can't tell exaflly which— but he*ll call you honeil— your 
Name is 

Smith. Tbomai, 

Kitt. He'll call you honeft Toin. 
Smith. But how the Devil (hould he know my Name f 
Kite. O there are fevcral forts o^Toms-^Tom of Lincoln ^ 
Tom tit, Tom TellTruth, Tom o* bedlam, and Tom Feol-^^ 
begone-i-An Hour hence pracifcly. [Knackirg at the Door. 
Smith. You fay, hs'll aflc me what's o^Clock ? 

Kite. Moft certainly And you'll anfwer you don't 

know— And be fure you look at St. Mary's Dial ; for the 
Sun won't (hine, and if it Ihould, you won't be able to 
tell the Figures, 

Smith, fwill, I will. [Exit. 

P/ume. Well done. Conjurer, go on and profper. 

[Behind* 
Enter a Butcher. 

. Kite. What, my old Friend ?luck the Butcher! 1 

bfitrM the furly BulI*dog five Guineas this Morning, and 
and he refus'd it. \,^Jtde. 

But, So, Mr. Conjurer, here's Half a Crown — And 
now you mufl underftand — 

Kite. Hold, Friend, 1 kndw your Bufinefs before- 
hand 

But. You're ddviiifh cunning then, for I don't well 
know it myfelf. 
Kite. 1 know more than you, Friend-*— You haVc ft 
Vol. II. ' K fooUtti 



6o The Recruiiiffg Officer. 

foolifli Saving, that fuch a one knowi do more than tlie 
Man in the Moon : I tell you, the Man in the Mooo 
knows more han all the Men under the Sun : Don *c the 
Moon fee all the World / 

But. All the World fee the Moon, I muft confeff. 

Kite. Then Hie mufl fee all the World that's certain-* 
Give me your Hand^Vou^ie by Trader cither a tiitcher 
or a Surgeon, 

But. I'rue, I am a Butcher. 

^ Kite. And a i^urgeon you will be, the Employment! 
difler only in the Name.— —He that can cut up an Ox^ 
may diifcfl a Man ; and the fame Dexterity that crackf 
a MarrowbiHie. will cut off a Leg or an Arm. 

Bui. What d'ye mean, Do£lor, what d*ye mean ? 

Kite. Patience, Patience, Mr. Surggon-geueral i the 
Stars are great B(;dics, and move Auwly. 

But, But what d'^e mean by Surgfen-generalt Doflor I 

Kite. Nay, Sir, i^" your Worftip won't have Patience, 
I mull beg the Favour of your Worfhip's Ab(ence. 

But. My Worfbip f my Worfiiip \ but why my Wor- 
/hip?.. 

Kite. f^Ay then, I have done. 

But. Pray, Dodlor 

Kite. Fire and Fury, Sir ! [/?//// in a Pnjffion ] Do you 
think the Stars will be hurried : Do the Stars owe yoo 
anv Money, Sir, ihat you dare to dun their LordAiips at 
this Rate f— Sir, Cm Porter to ^he Stars, and I am or- 
dered to let no Dun como near their Doo^s. 

But. Dear Do£tor, I never had any dealing with the 

Sars, they don't owe me a Penny But fince you are 

their Port.r, pleafe t^i ..cccpt of this Half-crown to drink 
ihtir Healths, and don't be angrv. 

Kite. Let me lee your Hand tnen once more— -^Here 
has been Gold — Five Guimas, my Friend, in this very 
Hand this Morning. 

But. Nay, then he is the Devil — Pray, Doctor were 
you born of a Woman ? or, did you come into the 
World of your own Head ? 

Kiie. That's a Secret— This Gold was offered yon by 
a proper handibme Man, calPd Hawk, or Buxzw, or— 

But, Kite you mean. 

Kite. Ay, Ay, Kite* 



7^ Recrmiing Officer. 6i 

But. As arrant a Rogue as ever carried a Halberd. 
The impudent Rafcal woqld ha?e decoy *d me for i Sol- 
dier. 

KU$. A Soldier ! a Man of your Sobtlance for a SoI« 
dier t Your Mother has a hundred Pounds in hard Mo- 
KKy^ lyuig at this Minute in the Hands of a Mercer^ not 
forty Yards from this Place. 

Bitt, Oons ! and fo ike has» but very few know fo 
much. 

* JCiii. I know it, and that Rogue, what's his Name, 
Kite, knew it, and offcr'd you five Guineas to lift, be- 
cauie he knew your poor Mother would ^ive the Hun«> 
dred for voar Difcbarge. 

But. There's a Dog now s'flefh, Doaor, Til 

^ive yoa toother Half-crown, and tell me that this fame 
Ki'/i will be hang'd. 

Kite. He's in as much danger as any Man in the 
County of Sa.hffi. 

But, There's your Fee— but you have forgot x\t Sur- 
geon-general all this while. 

Kite, You put the Stars in a Paflion. [Lojh on hit 
Books.l Bat now they arc pacified again-— -L:t mc fee, 
did you never cut off a Man's Leg : 

But. No. 

Kite. Recoiled,, pray. 

But. I fay, no. 

Kite. That's ftrange, won:?crfal ftrange; but nothing 
Is ftrange to me, fuch wonderful Ohin^cs have I fcen 
—The Second, or Third, ay, the 1 liird Campaign that 
,rou make in Flankers, the Leg of a great OfHcer will be 
hatter'd by a great Shot, you will be there accidentaUy, 
md with your Cleaver chop off the Limb at a Blow! in 
hort, the Operation will be performed with fo much 
Dexterity, that with general Applaufe you will be made 
>urgeon-general of the whole Army. 

But. Nay, for the matter of cuiting off a Limb. PH 
Ig*t, Pll do't with any Surgeon in Europe ; but I have 
\o Thoughts of making a Campaign. 

Kite, You have no Thoughts I what's matter for your 
Thoughts, the Stars have decreed it, and you moft go. 

But. The Stars decree it ! OonS| Sir, the julHccs 
:a*nt prefs me. 

K 2 Kik. 



'62 The Recruiting Officer. 

Kile. Nay, Friend, "tis none .of my Bunnefs* I h«ve 
done ; only mind this, you'll know more an Hour and 
halfherice, that's all, farewcl. 

:Buf, Hold, hold, Do6tor. Sorgeon-generali What 
is the Place worth, pray ? 

Kite. Five hundred Pounds a«Year, beitdes Guineas 
for Claps. 

But. Five hundred Pounds a Year !—^ An Hour and 
Half-hcnce, you fay. 

Kitf. Prithee, Friend, be quret, don't be troableibme, 
here's fuch a Work to make a Booby Butcher accept of 
Five hundred Founds a- Year — But if you mufl: hear it—" 
ril tell you in (hort, youMl be Handing in your Stidl an 
Hour and an Half hence, and a Gentleman will come by 
with a SnufF-box in his Hand, and the Tip of his^Hand« 
kerchief hanging out of his right Pocket ; he'll aflc yott 
the Price of a Loin of Veal, and at the fame Time ftroak 
your great Dog upon the Head, and call him Chopf§r. 

But. Mercy on us ! Chopper is the Dog's Name. 

Kite. Look'e there — What I fay is true— Things that 
are to come, mufl come to pafs — Get you home, fell off 
your Stock, don t mind the Whining and the Snivelling 

of your Mother and your Sifter — 'Women always 

hinder Preferment — —make what Money you can, and 
follow that Gentleman, his Name begins with a P, 
mind that — There will be the Barber's Daughter too, 
that you promisM Marriage to — ihe will be pulling and 
hauling you to pieces. 

But. What! knosn Sally tool He's the Devil, and he 
muft needs go that the Devil drives. \Going.^ The Tip 
of his Handkerchief out of his left Pocket. 

Kite. No, no, his right Pocket ; if ii be the left, 'tis 
none of the Man. 

But. Well, well, I'll mind him. [Exit. 

Plume, The right Pocket, you fay. 

[^Behind nvith b's Pocket'bo9i. 

Kite. I hear the ruftling ot Silks. IKnotking,'] Fly, Sir," 
'tis Madam Meltnda, 

Enter Melinda and Lucy, 

Kite. Tychof Chairs for the Ladies. 

Mel. Don't trouble yourfelf, we (ha'n't ilay^ Do6lof. 

Kite 



T6e Recruifi'/ig Officer. 63 

fDte\ Your Ladyftiip is to (lay much longer than you 
imagine. 

Mel, For what ? 

Ktte. For a Hu(band— — For your part, Midaai » 
you won't for a Hafband. [To Lucy. 

Lu£, PrSLy, Dodtor, do you convcrfe with ihc ^tars, or 
the Devil ? 

JOii, With both ; when I have the DeftVnies of Men 
in fearch, I coiifult the Sars ; when the Affairs of Wo* 
men come under my Hund'^ 1 advife with my t'other 
Friend. 

Mel, And have you rais'd the Devil upon my account ? 

Kite, Yes, Madam, and he's now under the 1 able, 

Luc: Oh Heavens proted us! Dear Madam, let's be 
gone.^ 

'Ki4e, If you be afraid of him, why do you come to 
confult him ? 

Mel, Don't fear, Pool ; do you think, Sir, that be- 
caufe I am a Woman, I'm to be f ol'd out of my Reafon, 
or frightened out of my Stnfes ? Come, (hew me this 

Pcvin 

Kite, He*s a little bufy at prefent ; but when he hal 
done, lie (Hairwaiton you. 

Mel, What is he doing i 

Kite. Writing your Name in his Pocket-book. 

MeL Hi, ha I my Name 1 Pray what have you or he 
to do with my Name ? 

Kite tpok'e, fair Lady— the Devil is a very modeft 
Perfon, he feeks Nobody, unlefs they fcek him firft ; he's 
chain'd up like a MallifF, and can't Dir, unlefs he be let 
loofe — You come to me to have your Fortune told-r-Do 
you think, Madam, ihat I can anfwer you of my own 
;ilead? No, Madam, the AiFairs of Women are fo irre- 
gular, that nothing lefs than the Devil can give any Ac- 
count of 'em. Now to convince you of your Incredulity, 
I'll (hew you a Trial of my Skill — Here, you Cacademo 

del Plumo exert your Power, draw me this Lady's 

"Tj"ame, the Word Melinday in proper Letters and Cha- 
rad^ers of her own Hand -writing — do it at three Motions 
— one — two— three— 'tis done— Now, Madam, will you 
pleafe to fend your M^id to fetch it ? 

Luc, I fetch it \ the Devil fetch me if I do. 

K 3 Mel. 



64 l^he RecruHing Officer. 

MeL My Name in my own Hand- writing ! that woolJ 
be convincing indeed. 

Kite, Seeing *s believing. [Goes to the Table, lifts up the 
Carpst,] Here, Tre, Tre, poor 7><?, give me the Bone, 
Sirrah. There's your Name upon that fquare piece of 
of Paper, behold 

Mel, 'Tis wonderful, my very Letters to a tittle, 

Luc, 'Tis like your Hand, Madam, but not {a like 
your Hand neither ; and now 1 look nearer, 'tis not like 
your Hand at all. 

Kite, Here's a Chamber-maid now will out-lic the De- 
vil !, 

Luc, I ook'e, Madam, they (ha'n't impofe upon us; 
People can't remember their Hands, no more than, they 
can their Faces — Come, Madam, let us be cejtain, write- 
your, Name upon this Paper; then we'll compare ^tm, 

[Takes cut a Paptr and folds it* 

Kite, Any th.ing for your Satisfaction,. Madam— here's 
Ptn and Ink. [Melinda ivrius, Lucy ho/ds the Pafe/, 

Luc. Let me fee it. Madam: 'tis the fame— the very 

fame- Eut I'll fccure one Copy for my own Affairs. 

... . . . , lAjfde. 

Mel, This is Demondration, 

Kite, 'Tis fo, Madam The Word Demonftration 

comes from D/tmon the Father of Lies. 

Mel, WelU Dodlor, 1 am convinced ; and now, ptay, 
what Account can you give of my future Fortune ? 

Kite. Before the Sun ha§ made one Courfe round this 
earthly Globe, your Fortune will be fix'd for Happineia j 
or Mifery. | 

MeL What fo near the Crifis of my Fate! | 

Kite, Let me fee — About the Hour of Ten to-raorrow I 
horning you will faluted by a Gentleman, who will | 
come to take his Leave of you, being defigned for Travel; ' 
his Intention of going abroad is fudden, and the Occa- 
fion a Woman. Your Foj tune and his are like the Bol- 
Xti and the Barrel, one runs plump into the other— 
In fhort, if the Gentleman travels, he will die abroad"; 
and if he does, you will die before he comes home. 

MeL What fort of a Man is he ? 

Kite. Madam, he's a fine Gentleman, and a Lover ; 
Ibat is, a Man of very good Senfe, and a very great FooK 

MM. 



^he Recruiiing Officer. 6g 

MeL How is that poffible, Do6lor > 

Kite. Becanfe, Madam btcaufe it is fo A Wo- 

«ian's Reafon is the beft for a Man's being a Fool. 

Mel, Ten o'Clock, you fay I 

Kite. Tcn-^about the Hour of Tea-drinking through- 
out the Kingdom. 

MeL Here, Do^lor. \pives Money. ^ ^ucy^ have you 
any qucftions to a(k ? 

Luc. Oh, Madam ! a thnufand. 

Kife.'l muft beg your Patience till another Time ; for 
I expefl more Company this Minute ; bcfides, 1 mull 
difcharge the Gentleman under the Table. 

Luc. O pray, Sir, difcharge us firft ! 

Kite, Tjcho, wait pn the Ladies down Stairs. 

[5jr^«/?/ Melinda fi^.i/Lucy. 
Enter Worthy ^nd Flume. ^ 

Kite* Mr. IFonl^y, you were pleas'd to wi/h me Joy 
to- day, I hope to be able to return the Compliment lo* 
morrow. 

Wor. I'll make it the beft Compliment to yon that 
ever I made in my Life, if you Jo ; but I muft be a Tra- 
veller, you fay ? 

Kite. No farther than the Chops of the Channel, X 
prefume, Sir. 

Plume. That tve have concerted already. [Knocking 
ietrei,] Hey day f you don't profefs Midwifry, Dodlor ? 
• Kite* Away to your Ambnfc^de. 

[Exeunt Plume and Worthy. 
Enter Brazen. 

Sraz. Your Servant, Servant, my Dear. 

Kite. Stand off, 1 have my Familiar already. 

Braz. Are you bewitched, my Dear ? 

Kite, Yes, my Dear : but mine is a peaceable Spirit, 
and hates Gunpowder. Thus I fortify myfelf; [Draws 
a Circle round him ] and now, Captain, have a care how 
you force my Lines. 

Braz. Lines ! What doft talk of Lines ! You have 
fomething like a Fifliing-rod there, indeed ; but I come 
to be acquainted with you, Man, — What's your Name, 
my Dear ? 

Kite. Conundrum, 

K 4. Braz. 



66 fbe Recruiting 0§ccr^ 

Brax. Conundrum ! Rat ine» I knew a famous Do£to» 
ill London of your Name — Where were-you born ? 

Kite, 1 was born in Algehra. 

Braz, Ahehra ! 'Tis no Country ia Qhrifiendomt I'm 
fare, unleis it be iom^ Place in the Highlands of 
Scotland, 

Kite. Right — I told you I was bewitch'd. 

Bra%, So am I, my Dear ; I am going to be married 
—I have had two Letters from a Lady of Fortune that 
Joves me to Madnefs, Fits, Cholick, Spleen, and Va- 
pours— ihall 1 m2itxy her in four-and-twenty Hours, ay, 
or no ? 

Kite. Certainly. 

Bra%. I fhall ! 

Kite. Certainly : Ay, or no. But I muft have the 
Year and the Day of the Month when thefe Letters were 
^ated. 

Braz. Whv, you old Bitch, did you ever hear of 
Love-letters dated with the Year and Day of the J^onth;? 
Do yott think »BiIlet-4eisx ate: like Bfink-bills ? 

Kile. They are not fo^goodn my Deir biK \£\hef 

bear no Date, I muft examine the Contents, 

Braz. Contents! That you (halH old goy^ here dey 
be both. 

Kite, Only the laft you tcc^ivM, if yojj pleafe. [Tftket 
tie Letter,] Now, Sir, if you pje^fe tp let pe cpnfult mf 
Books for a Minute, TH fend this I^etter ioclo5'4 to you 
with the Deterniipation of the Stars upon it to your 
Lodgings. 

Braz. With all my Heart-^I muA give him \_Pufs his 
Hands in his Pocket,'] Algebra I J fancy, Do6lor, 'tis hard 
to calculate the Place of your Nativity-r-Here : — [Giwi 
him Money,] And if I fucceed. Til kiild a Watch-tower 
on the lop of the higbeft Mountain in Wales for th^ 
Study of Ailrology* and the Benefit of the QMundrums, 

lExii. 
Enter Plume and Worthy* 

Wor. O Dodlor I That Letter's worth a Million, let 
me fee it ; and now 1 have it, Tm afraid to open it. 

Plume. Pho ! let me fee it; {Opening the Letter.] If 
ihe be a Jilt— Damn her, Ihe is one— There's her Name 
at the Bottom on't« 



Tie Recrmting Offictr. *€y 



Wot. How ! Then I'll travel in good carneft 
By all my Hopes, 'tis Lfuy\ Hand. 

Plume, Lucys ! 

Wor. Certainly — 'tis no more like Mtlinia% Chara£ler 
than black is to white. 

Plume! Then 'tis certainly Lucy^t Contrivance to draw 

in Brazen for a Hufbpd But are you fare 'tis not 

MeUndd% Hand ? 

Wor. You (hall fee; where!s the bit of Paper I gave, 
you juft now that the Devil writ Melinda upon ? . 

Kite. Here, Sir. 

Plume, Tis plain they're not the fame ; and is this the 
laalicious Name that was fubfcribed to the Letter, which' 
made Mr* Ballance fend his Daughter into the Country ? 

Wor^, The very fame, the other Fragment? I (hew'd . 
you jufl now. I once intended it for another Ufe, but Ii 
think I have turn'd it now to a better Advantage. . 

Plume* But 'twas barbarous to conceal this fo long^ an^ 
to continue me fo many Hours in the pernicious Here^ 
of believing that ^Angelic . Creature., could change : Poor 
Sykjia I' 

Wor 4 Rich Syl*via you mean> and poor Captain, ha, 

ha, ha! Come, come, Friend, iWif//Wtf is true, and 

ihall be* mine ; Syhia is conflant, and may be yours. 

Plume. No, (he's above my Hopes— But for her fake 
PJl jrecant my Opinion of her Sex. . 

Py fome the Sex is hlamd lioithout Defign, 
Light harmlefi Cenfure^ fuch as yQur'*s and mine^ 
Sallies of Wit, and Vapours of our Wine, 
Others the Ju/iice of the Sex condemn^ 
jfnd ^wanting Merit to create E^eent, 
Wodd hide their own DsfeSls by censoring them* 
Mvt they fecure in their, all conquering Charms ^ 
Laugh at the *vain Efforts of falfe Alarms ; 
lie magnifies their Conquefts <who complains, 
F/OTJiiute njoould ftruggle tuere they not /» C^^ff/. [Exeunt«:. 

7be End of the Fourth. ACT. 



AttTi 



6i The: Recruiting Officer. 

A C T V. 
SCENE, Jujlice Ballance'j Hcufe. 

Enter Ballance a/ti/ Scale. 
Stali,T Say, 'tis not to be borne, Mr. Ballance* 

X BaJ, Look'e, Mr. Sca/e, for my own part, F. 
ftall be very tender in what regards the Ofilccw of the 
Army ; they expofe their Lives to fd many Dangers for 
us abroad, that wc may give them fome Grains of Al- 
lowance at home 

Sca/i. Allowance ! This poor Girl's Father is my Te- 
nant ; anc} if I miilake not,, her Mother nurs'd a Chifd 
for yoa — Shall they debauch our Daughters to our Faces ?- 

JJaL Confider, Mr. Sca/e^ that were it not for the 
JBravcryof thc.fe Officers, v/9 (hould have Fnftch Dra- 
goons among us, thftt. would leave us neither Liberty, 
Property, Wivcs> nor Daughters — Come, Mr. Sca/e, the 
Gentlemen ar< vigorous and warm, and may they con- 
tinue fo; the fame,Heat that (lirs them up to Lpve, (pars 
them on to Battle. You never knew a great General k 
your. Life; that, did not love a Whore. This I only 

fpeak in Refprence to Captain Plume-, —for the other 

Spark I know nothing of. 

Scale. Nor can 1 hear of any body that does— OK, ^ 
here they come.^ 

Z^gr Sylvia, . BuUock, Rofe, Pri%nen ; ConfiahU and 
Mob. 

Conft. May it pleafe your Worfliips, we took them ia* 

the very Aft," re infe^a. Sir. The Gentleman, indeed, 

behav'd himfelf like a Gentleman ; for he drew -his 
Sword and f>yQre, and afterwards laid it down and ikid 
nothing. 

Bal. Give the, Gentleman his Sword >again-^»— Wait 
]JQU without, \^Exeunt Conjiable and Watch ] Tm forry. 
Sir, \To S>lvia.] to know aXJentleman upon fuch Terms, 
thatt the Dec ifion of our meeting (hould prevent the Sa« . 
tipfaction pf an Acquaintance. 

^: Sir,.yog^ need make no Apology for your Warrant, 

AQif 
I 



The Rjgiruitittg Officer. 69 

no more tban I (hall do for my Behaviour— My Innoceoce 
is upon an equal Footing with your Au hority. 

Scale. Innoceoce 1 Have not you feducd that ypung 
Maid ? 

SyL No, Mr. Goofecap. (he feduc'd me. 

Bui. So fhe did, 1*11 fwear for flie proposed Mar- 
riage firll. 

Bai. What, then you are married, Child ! [/^ Rofe. • 

Rdfe. Yes, Sir, to my Sorrow. 

BuL WhowasWimefs? . 

Bui That was I— I danc*d, threw the Stocking, and 
ipoke Jokes by their Bedfide, I'm fure. 

BaL Who was the Miniller ? 

BuL Miniiler! We are Soldiers, and want no Mini- 
fter They were married by the Articles of War. 

BaL Hold thy prating, fool — Your Appearance, Sir, . 
promifes feme underftanding ; pray what does this Fel- 
low mean ? . 

SyL He means Marriage, I think— but that you know 
is lo odd a thing, that, hardly any two People under the 
Sail agree in the Ceremony ; fonie make it a Sacrament, 
others a Convenience, and others make it a JeA ; but 
among Soldiers 'tis moft facred — Our Sword, you know, 
is our Honour, that »*e lay down— The Hero jumps over 

it firft, and the Amazon after Leap Rogue, follow 

Whore — The Drum beats a Ruff, and lo to bed ; that's 
all ; the Ceremony is concife. 

BuL Atidi the prettiell Ceremony, fo full of Paftime- 
and Prodigality-r- 

BaL whsLt ! Are you a Soldier ? 

Bu/* Ayi that I am — ^Will your Worfhip lend me your * 
Cane, and Pll (hew you how I can exercile.: 

Bal. Take it. [Strihi him §n;er the. biad."] Pray, Sir, . 
what Commiflibn may ydu bear ? \To Sylvia. . 

SyL I am callld Captain, Sir^ by all the Coffee-men, 
Drawers, Whores, and Groom-porters in London \ for ^ 
I wear a red Coat, a Sword, a Hat bien troujfet^ a Mar- 
tial Twin in my Cravat, a fierce Knot in my Periwig, a « 
Case upon my Button, Piquet in my Head, and Dice io^i 
my Pocket. . . 

Static Your Name, pray Sir ? . 

Sjh .Captain Pinch : . 1 cock iny Hat with a Pinch ; I 



yo *The Recruiffyg Offifer. 

take SmifF with a Pinch, pay my Whores with a Pinch* 
in fhort, I can do any thing at a Pinch» but fight and fill 
my Belly. 

Bali. And pray. Sir, what brought you into Sbnf^ 
Jhire ? 

Syl. A Pinch, Sir: I knew yoa Country Gentiemcn 
want Wit, and you know that Ve Town Gentlem^a 
want M.oney» and fp— - 

BaL 1 undcrftand you. Sir— Here, Conftable 
Enter Cen/fatUx 
Take this Gentleman intp Cuflody t;]! farther Orders. 

Ra/e. Pray,^ your Wor(hip don't be uncivil to hio^ 
for he did me no hurt ; he^s the moftharmlefs Man in ^t: 
World, for all he talks fo.. 

Sca/f, ComCi comci Child^ I'll take care of you. 

Syl, What, Gentlemen, rob me of my Freedom and< 
my Wife at once ! Tis the. firftv time they eyer. went to-, 
gcther,. 

Ba/. Heark'e,' Conftable. - [ff'hi/pen him^ 

Confi, It (hall be donftj Sir,r-C0me along,, Sirl 

[^;r^Mff/ Conftable, Bullock, ^v^ Sylvia 

Bal, Come, Mr. ^CA/f,we!U manage the Spark prr-- 
Y«itl». X^XtUMf*. 

SCENE^ MelindaV ^/>ir/«»«a/, 
Knter. Meliftda and Worthy.. 

MeL So fkr Ihe Prediaion is right, — 'tis ttrt tXkdXf.. 
Qi^^f.], And pray, Sir, how Jong naye ypu.beenin thia. 
travelling Humour?' 

IVor. 'Tis natural. Madam, for us to avoid what dif-- 
tnrbs our Quiet; 

MeL Rather the Love of Change,' which is more na« 
tfiral,^ may b& the occafton of it. 

Wor.T^ be fure, Mada», there muft be Charms yi 
Vsancty,, elfe neither you nor \ fhould be ib fond of it- 

Met, You miftakcv Mr..AK>r/^p,..I an^ not.fo fond of- 
Variety as.to travel for't, nor do f think it Prudence in i 
you to rua vourfclf into a certain Expence and. Danger, 
in hopes ox- precarious Pleafure, which at.beft never an-- 
fwers Expeftation ; as 'tis, evident from the Example of 
moft Travellers, that long more to return to their own 
Country, than they did to go abroad*. 



7i^ Recruiiing Offiar. yt 

Wcr^ What Pkafures I may receive abroad are indeed 
uncertain t but this I am fore of, I ihali meet with lefs 
Cruelty amonjr the mod barbarous of NatLoDs, than I 
have found atliome. 

MeL Corae S\r, you and I havebceir jangling a great 
whiles I fancy if we made up o^^f Accounts, welhould- 
the ieoner come to an Agreement. 

fFor^ Sure^ MadaQi, yon won't diiputr your being in 
wy Debt— My Fears, Cighs, Vows, Promifes, A<B- 
duities. Anxieties, Jealouiiev, have ran on- for a whole 
Year without any Payment. 

Af#/^ A Year I Oh,, Mr. »^r/^ / What yo« owe to v 
me ia not to iM paid.under a . (even Years Servitude : 
How. did yott.ufe.me.the Year before? when taking the 
Advantage of. my. Innocence and Neceiirty, you would, 
have made me your Miftrels, that is your Slave— ——Re- 
member the. wicked, laiQauadon 5^. artful Baits, deceitful 
Arguments, cunning • Pretences ; then your impudent 
Behaviour, loofe ExpreiHons,- familiar Letters, rude Vi<t 
fijts ; remember thofe, t^ofe, Mr. Worthy,., 

Wfi I .do remember, and am lorry 1 made no better • 
ufe of.'eou l^AJid^,^ But you. may remember, Madam», 
tkati— - 

MtL Sir, I*tt remember nothing— Ti« your Intsrefl^ 
that i (hould forget : .You have been barbarous to me, J^ 
have been cruel to you; put that and that together,- and - 
let one balance the other- — Now if you will begin^tipon • 
a new Score, lay afide your adventuring Airsr and . be- 
have yourfclf handfomely till £m# be over $ here\s my 
Hand, ni ufe you as a Gentleman flbould be«- . 
' War. And if 1 don't ufe you as a.G en tlewomanr (hould ; 
bip, .may this be my Poifon.. \J^^M^gh^ Hand: , 

Enter a S truant.' 

S&. Madam, the Coach is at the Door^-. 

Met* I am going to Mr. . Ballance's Country-hbufe to • 
£et^my Cpufin Syiwa $ , I ^ave. done her .-am Injury, and i 
can't be eafy till I have a(k'd her Pardon... 

H^or. I dare not hope for the . Honour of waiting on \ 
you. 

MeL My Coach is full ; but if you will be fo gallant 
as xa mo^nt your own Horfea and follow U9> we £all be 



7 2 The Recruiting Officer I 

glad to be overtaken ; and if you bring Captain Plum'r 
with you, we Ihan't have the worfe Reception. 

f^or, 1*11 endeavour it. [Exit, leading Melinda* 

•Nw SCENE, The Market'placi. 

£«/fr Plume «»/ Kite. 

Plume, A Baker, sl Taj/or, a Smithy Butcher, Carpen- 
ters^y and Journeyman Sheemakers^ in all Thirty-nine — I 
believe the fir It Colony planted in Virginia haa not more 
Trades in their Company than I have in mine. 

Kite. The 'Butcher , Sir, will have his Hands foil ; for 
we have two Shecp-ftealers among us^— I hear of a fellow 
too committed juft now for fiealing of Horfes. . 

Plume. We'll difjiofe of him among the Dragoons—- 
Have we never a Poulterer among us ? ' 

Kite. Yes, Sir, the King of tne Gipfies is a very good 

one, he has an excellent Hand at a Goofe or a Turkey<r- 

Here's Captain j^r^is^^iir. Sir; 1 muft golook after the 

Men« [^xxV. 

£;!r/fr Brazen, reading d Letter, 

Braz^ XJm, utm um, the Canonical Hourw-Um, .urn, 
very well — My dear Plume/ Give me -a Bufs. 

Pi'ume, Half a fcore, if you will, my Dear : .What haft 
got in thy Hand, Child ? 

Braz, 'Tis a Projeet for laying out a thoufand Pound. 

PJume, Were it not requifite ta projcft firft how to get 
it in ^ 

Braz. Yovi can't imagine,- my -Dear, that I want 
twenty thoufand Pounds ; I have fpent twenty times a& 
much in the Service— Now, my Dear, pray advife me, 
my Head runs much upon .Architedture,. fliall 1 build a 
Privateer or a Play-houfe ? r 

P/ume An odd Queftion— a Privateer or a. Play-houfe • * 
Twill require fome Confideration — Faith, I'm tor a Pri- 
vatecTi" 

Braz., I'm^notof your Opinion,- .my. De^-^for in the. 
firft Place a Privateer may be ill built. ' 

P/ume*^ And (o may a Play-houfe. 

Braz* But a Privateer may be ill-manji'd ? 

Plunie. And fo may a Play-houfe. 

Braz, But a Privateer may run upon the Shallows. 

Piume. Not lo often as a Play-houfi;,^ 



The Recruiting Officer: 73 

JBraz. But yoa know a Privateer may fprin^ a Leak. 

P/ume. And 1 know a Play-hou(e may fpring a great 
many. 

Bra«. But foppofe the Privateer come home with a 
Vich Booty,, we diould .never agree about oar Shares. 

Illume. 'Tis ju(l (b in a Play-hr ufe— — So, by my Ad- 
vlce^ yott (hall Bx apon a Privateer. 

Bra», Agreed But if this twenty thousand Pounds 

fhould not DC in Specie — 

P/ume, What twenty tiiBurand? 

Brax. Hearfcjc. [Whifpen. 

Plume. Married!' 

Braz. Preiently, weVe to meet about half a Mile out 
of Town at the Water- fide— and fo forth— [^f^i^V.] Ftr 
fear T Jbould be kno*um by any ©/* Worthy' j Friends^ you 
muft gi'ue me leave to lA/ear my.MaJk till after the Ceremony^ 
. mibich tuill make me forever yours -—^ — Look'e there, my • 
dear Dog. [Sheius the bottom of the Letter to Plume. 

Plume^ MelmdaL And by this Light, her own Hand! 
Once more, if you pleafe, my Dear— Her Hand exadlly .* 
Jofl. now, youiay? 

Bra%* This Minute ImuH be gone. 

Plume. ^ Have a 4ittle Patience, and I'll go with yoa. 

Braz* No, no, I fee a Gentleman coming this way, 
that may be inquiiitive ; 'tis Worthy^ do you know him ? 
, Plume. By fight only. 

ifraa^i.Have a care, the very Eyes difcovcr Secrets. 

{Exit. 
Enter Worthy. 

,W9r. To Boot and Saddle, Captain; you muft mounn 

Plume. Whip and Spur y.fVorthyy or you won't mount. 

ff^or. But I (hall : Melinda and I are agreed ; ihe's 
gpne to vifit Sylvia^ we are to mourtand follow ; and 
coald we carry a Parfon with us, who knows what might 
be^done for us bath } 

Plume,. Do«'t trouble your.Hes^d, Melinda has fecur'd 
a Parfon already. 

If^or. Already ! Dq ypu know more. than \ ? 

Plume. Yes, I faw it under her Hand— 5r^2«^» and ihe 
are to meet half a Mile hence at the Water-fide, there to 
take Boat, I fuppofe to be ferried over to the Eyfian 
Y\f^i if there be any fu(;h Thing ia Msktrimony. 



74 ^*« RecruMfig Officer. 

IV w, I parted with Melinda jaft now, (he afliii'd me 
ihe hated Braxeity and that (he rer<^T*d to difcard Lwj 
for daring to write Letters to him in her Name. ji5 

Piume. Nay, na/, there's nothing of Lucy in* this— I 
tell ye, I faw Mt^Z/W^'sHandy as furely as thic is mine. 

fp^of^. ButltdlyOQ fhe's.gone.diis Minuie. to Jullicc 
BallaHcis Country-houfe. 

P/tHite* But I tell yoi»> fhe^ ^^'^ this Mlnate to the. 
Water- fide*. 

Enter Servant: 

Ser, Madam Melinda has fent word» that-you need not 
trouble yourfelf to follow her, becaufe her Journey to 
}\^^\Q^ Bailance^s is put off, ^ and fhe*s gone to take the 
Air another way, \To Worthy*. 

f^or. How! her Journey put offi' 

P/««^. That isy her Journey was a put^ofF to you, 

Wfit. *Tis plain^ plain— But how, where, when is fhc: 
to mcet^^r<?%f«^ 

Pfume. Juil now, I telj you^ half a -Mile hence, at the. 
Water-fide*. * 

Mt^or. Up or down the Water?: 

Pium, That I don^'t know. 

Wx^. I'm. glad my Horfes are ready^-^^^^ get /em: 
OUti: 

PluiMo Shall I go with you ? ; 

Wor. Not an Inch— I (hall return prefently. [JLnf. 

Plume. You'll fkid me at the Hall; the Julticet arc 
fitting by this time, and I mufl attend them» 

&,CEN£^ A Court ofjufiice.: Ballancc, Stale, €mdJ 
^Qixx^lt upcn tbt Benck : QoTi^zbXt^ Kite, Mob. 

Kite and Conftable ad'vanee formiard,^ 
Kite, Pray, who are thofe.honourable Gentlemen upon. 

the Bench ? 

Conft, He in the middle is Ji^&ice Ballance, he on the- 

right IS Juftice Sea/e, and he on the left is Jullice Scruff, . 

and [ am Mr. Conflabie; four very honefl Gentlemen. 
Kitf. O, dear Sir I 1 am your moft obedient Servant c : 

[Saluting the Conftable.] I fancy, Sir, that your Employ- 

ment and mine are much the fame ; for my Bufinefs is to 

keep People in order, and if they difobey, to knock 'eoii' 

down ; and then we are. both* Staff-officers. . 

Qmjt. 



Wt RicrmiiWf Officer. 75 

€mi/f» Niy, Tin a Serjeant myfelf— of the Militia--* 
Come, Brother, you Oull Cec me excrcife s fuppofe this 
aMulket: No«v 1 am (hoalder*d 

[/*«/! ^M Stiffen his right Shoulder ^ 

Kite* Ay, voa are Qioulder'd pretty well for a conihi* 
ble's Staff ; Dt>t for a Mufket; you mud put it on the 
#ther Shoulder, my Dear. 

Confi Adfol that's true-^Come, now give the Word 
of Command. 

Kite. Silence. 

Ox/. Ay, ay. To we will— W<; (hall be fiknt. 

Kit§. Silence you Dog;, Silence 1 

. [Strikts him o^er his Hta4 i^ffth his HaJierd, 

Cm^.. That's the wa^ to iilence a Man with a wicocfs 
—What d'ye mean. Friend ? 

Kite, Only to exercife you. Sir. 

Conft. Your Exercife differs io much from our», that 
we (hall ne'er agree about ic ; if my own Captain had 
given me fuch a.Kap, I had taken the Law of him« 
Enter Plurrve, 

Bai* Captain, you^re welcome. 

Plume, 'Geotlemen, I thank you. 

• Sermp. Come, honeft Captain, fit- by me. [Plume 
ftfce^Afi and Jits upon the Bench, "] Now produce your Pri- 

^ers--:Hcre, that Fellow there— fet him up. Mr. 

-C^^fi^^Uj what have, you to fay againit this Man ? 

Con^, I have nothing to fay againfl him, an pleafe you. 

BaL No f what made you bring him hither ? 
. Conft, J don't know, an pleafe your Worfliip. 

Scale. Did nOfc the Contents cui your Warrant direft 
]U>u what (oTX of Men to take up ? 

Conft, I can*t rell, an pleafe ye ; I can't read, 

Scru, A very petty Conftable truly 1 find we have 

JBO fiufinefs here. 

Kite, May it pleafe the Worfliipful Bench, I defire 
to be heard in this Cafe, as being Counfel for Che 
Queen. 

Bal, Come, Serjeant, you fhall be heard, fince no 
Body'elfe wllj fpeak ; we won't come here for nothing. 

Kite, This Man is but one Man, the Country may 
fpare him, and the Army wants. him; beiides, he's cut 
out by Nature for a Grenadier ; hc*s five Foot ten Inches 

• ". high; 



y6 The Recruftifig OfficeY: 

high ; he (hall box, wreftle, or dance the Cbejhlre Roun< 
with any Man in the Country ; he gets drank every Sab 
bath-day, and he beats his Wife. 

Wife. You lie, Sirrah, you He; an pleafe your Wor 
•fhip, he's the btil natur'd, pains- taking'ft ^jan in th( 
Parifli, witoeis fny 'five poor (children. 

6Vr«. A Wife ! and five Children ! You Conftablc, 
you Rogi>e» how'duril you imprefs a Man that has a 
Wife and five Children ? 

^caU. Difcharge him, difchargc him. 

Bal. Hold-, Gentlemen-:— -Heark'e, Friend, how do 
you maintain your Wife and* five Children ? 

Flume, They live upOn WiW-fowI and Venifon, Sir; 
the Hufband k^ps a Gun, and kills all the. Hares and 
Partridges within fiye Miles round. 

Bal, A Gun ! nay, if he be fo good at Gunning, he 

fhall have enough on't. He mav be of ufe againU the 

French, for he (hoots flying to be lure. 

Scru. But bis Wife and Children, Mr. BaVance ! 

Wife, Ay, ay, that's the Reaibn you would fend him 
away, you know I have a Child every Year, and yoo 
are afraid they fhould come upon the Parifli at laft. 

Plume, Look'e there, Gentlerinen, the honed Woman 
has fpoke it at once, the Pariih had better maintain ^it 
Children this Year, than {vx. or feven the next : That 
Fellow, upon this high Feeding, may get yoa two or 
three Beggars at a Birth. 

Wife, Look'e, Mr. Captain, the Pariih fhall get no- 
thing by iending him away, for I won't lofe my Teeuh* 
ing-time, if there be a Man left in the Parifh. 

BaU Send that Woman to the Honfe of Corre6Uon«-« 
And the Man 

Kite* rU take care of him, if you pleafe. 

\Take5 him donuni 

Scale. Here you Conftable, the next Set up that 

black- fac'd Fellow, he.has a Gun-powder Look ; what 
can you fay againd this. Man, Conflable ? 

Conft, Nothing, but that he is a very honelt Man. 

Plume. Pray, Gentlemen, let me have one honeft Ma< 
in my Company, for the Novelty's fake. 

Bal, What are you. Friend } 

Mvi. A Collier, I work in the Cole-pits^ 



Tbe Recruitifig Officer. 77 

Situ, Look'e, Gentlemen, this Fellow has a Trade, 
and the Aft of Parliament here exprcfres, that we are to 
imprefs no Man that has any viilbie iVleans of a Liveli- 
hood. 

Kiie, May it pleafe your Worfliips, this PJan has no 
viiible Means of a Livelihood, for he worlds .junder 
Ground. 

Flume. Well fajd, Kite ; befidcs the Army wants Miners. 

BaL Right, and had we an Order of Government 
for*t, we could raife you in this aud the neighbouring 
County oi Stafford, five hundred Colliers that would run 
you under-ground like Moles, and do more Service in a 
5icge than all the Miners in the Army. 

Scru. Well, Friend, what have you to fay for yourfclf J 

M'ib, Vm married. 

A//^. Lick-a-day, {bam I. 

Mob^ Here's my Wife, poor Woman. 

BaL Are you married, good Woman ? 

IVom, Vm married in Confcience. 

Kite, May it pleafe your Worfhip, fhe^s with Child in 
Confcience. 

Sca'e. Who married yoa, Miftrefs ? 

JVom. My Hofband — we agreed that I (honld call him 
Hufband, to avoid pading for a Whore ; and that he 
fliould call me Wife, to fhun going for a Soldier. 

Scru, A very pretty Couple ! pray. Captain, will you 
take 'em both ? 

Flyme. What fay you, Mr. Kite^ will you take care of 
the Woman ? 

Kite. Yesi Sir, ihe fhall go with us to the Sea-fide, 
and there, if fhe has a Mind to drown herfelf, we'll take 
Cire that Nobody fhall hinder her. 

Bat. Here. Conllable, bring in my Man. [Exit. 
Conflable.] Now, Captain, Til fit you with a Man, fuch 
as you ne'er lifted in your Life. [Enter Conftable and 
Sylvia.] O I my Friend Pinchy Vm very glad to fee yon. 

SyL Well, Sir, and what then ? 

Scale, yjh^t then ! Is that your Refpeft to the Bench ? 

Syl. Sir, I don't care a Farthing for you nor your Bench 
neither* 

Scru. Look'e, Gentlemen, that's enough, he's a very 
ftopudent Fellow, and fie for a Soldier. 

Scale, 



7 5 ^be Recruiting Officer. 

Scale. A notorious Rogue^ I fay, and very fit for » 
Soldier. 

CoTifi. A Whore-mafter, I fay, and therefore fit to go, 

BaL What think you, Captain F 

Plume. I think he's a very pretty Fellow^ and there- 
fore 'fit'^to fcrve. 

Syl. Me for a Soldier ! fend your own lazy, lubberly 
Sons at home ; Fellows thac hazard their Necks every 
Day in the Purfuit of a Fox, yet dare not peep abroad to 
look an Enemy in the Face. 

Co?ifi» May it pleafe your Worfhips,. I have a Woman 
at the Door to fwear a Rape againft this Rogue. 

Sj/L Is it your Wife, or Daughter, Booby ? 1 ravi(h*d 
•em both yellerday. » 

BaL Pray, Captain, read the Articles of War, well 
ke him liHed immediately. 

P/u7ne, [Reacis.'l Articles of War againft Mutiny anl 
Defertion— £fff. 

Sjil, Hpld, Sir — Once more, Gentlemen, have a care 
what yott do, for you (hall fe'verely fmart for any Vio- 
lence you offer to me ; and you, Mr. Ballancef 1 fpeak 
to yoii pitrticularly, you (ha I heartily repent iu 

Plume. Look'e, young Sparki fky but one Worf 
more, and Til build a Horfe for you as high' as the Ciel- 
ing, and make you ride the moll tirefome Journey that 
ever you made in your Life. 

Syt. You have made a fine Speech, good Captaia 
Huffcap ; but you had better be quiet, I fhall find a Wsy 
to cool your Courage. 

Plume, Pray, Gentlemen, don't mind him, he's dif* 
traflcd. 

SyL 'Tis falfe 1 am defcended of as good a Famiry 

as any in your County ; my Father is as good a Man as 
any upon your Bench, and I am Heir to twelve Hundred 
Pounds a- Year. 

Bal. He's certainly mad — Pray, Captain, read the Ar- 
ticles of War. 

Sjl. Hold once more — Pray, Mr. Ballance, to you I 
fpeak, fuppofe I were your Child, would you uie me 
at this rare ? 

BaL No, Taiih^ were you mine, I would fend you to 
Bedlam^ firtt, and into the Army afterwards. 

Sjl. 



Tie RecruUing OffiaK 79 

fyi» BoC confider my Father Sir, he's as goo'd^ as ge» 
tierouj» as brave, as juil a Man as ever ferv'd his Coun* 
try; Vm his only Child, perhaps the Lofs of me may 
break his Heart. 

Bid. He's a very great Fool if it docs; Crptain, if 
70a don't Kit him this Minute, Til Uave the Court. 

Plume, Kite^ do yoa dillribute the Levy-money to the 
Men while 1 read. 

£jti. Ay, Sir Silence, Gentlemen. 

{Plume r4ads the Articles of War, 

Bal. Very well ) now, Coptain, let mc beg the Fa- 
^OBrofyoQ, not to difcharge this Fellow upon any ac* 
coant wnatfoever. Biing in the reil 

Comfit There arc nu more, an't plca'e your Worfhip. 

BaL No mofe ! there were five two Hours ago. 

5y/. *Tts tmc, Sir, but this Rogue of a CoiiAable let 
the reft efcape for a bribt of eleven Shillings a Man, be* 
caafe» be faid« the Aft allowed him but ten, fb the odd 
Shilling was clear Gains. 

Mljuf. How! 

ftp/. Gentlemen, he offered to let me go away for two 
.Guineas^ but I had not ib much about me ; this is Truth, 
and I'm ready to fwear it. 

Kkt- And ril fwear it ; give me the Book, 'tis for the 
good of the Service^ 

Meh^ May it pleafe your Wor/hip^ I gave him half ^ 
Crown to (ay that 2 was an honeil Man } but now, fincC 
that your Worfhips have made me a Rogue, I hope I 
fliall have my Money again. 

BaL *Tis my Opinioni that this Conftable be pot into 
the Captain's Hands, and if his Friends don't bring four 
good Men for his Ranfom by To-morrow Night,— Cap* 
: tain, yoj (hall carry him \o Flanders. 
^ Scmii. Scruple. Agreed, agreed ! 

I, Plume. Mr. KJte^ take the Conftable into Cuftody. 
Kite. Ay> ay,— :.ir, [Jo the Conftable.] will you pleafe 
to have your Office taken from you ? Or will you hand- 
; fomely lay down your Staff, as your Betters have done 
i before you t fConftable drops his Staff, 

\ BaL Come^ Gentlemen, there needs no great Cere- 
' Okonyin adjourning this Court-*—— Captain, you fhall 
^e with me* 

I kite. 



go Tbi Recruiting Officii^. 

Kite, Come, Mr. Militia Serjeant, I fhall filence yiott 
now> I believe^ without your taking the Law of me. 

[Exeunt otnuis^ 

SCENE, The Fields. 
Enter Brazen, leading in Lucy majk^d. 

JSra», The Boat is jull below here. 

Enter Worthy with a Cafe of Piftols jtnder his Arm* 

Wor^ Here, Sir, take your Choice. 

[Going between Vjw, and offering thtm* 

Brax* What ! Piftols ! are they charg'd, my Dear ? 

Wor, With a Brace of Bullets each. 

Braz, But I'm a Foot Officer, my Dear, and never 
life Piftols, the Sword is my Way— and I won't be pot 
out of my Road to pleafe any iVIan. 

fFor. Nor I nether ; fo have at you. iCods one Pifol 

Braz. Look'e, my Dear, I don't care for Piftols— 
Pray, oblige me, 4ind let us have a Bout at Sharps ; ^att 
it, there's no parrying thefe Bullets. 

IFor. Sir, if you ha'n't your Belly-full of thcfc, the 
Swords fhall come in for fecond Courfe. 

Braz. Why then, Fire and Fury I I have eaten Smoak 
from the Mouth of a Cannon, Sir; don't think I iSstr 
Powder, for I live upon't. Let me fee : [Taies om,] 
And now. Sir, how many Paces diftant ftiall we fire ? 

fFor, Fire you when you pleafe, I'll rcferve my Shot 
tiUI am fure of you. 

Braz» Come, where's your Cloak ? 

Ji^or. Cloak ! what d'ye mean ? 

Braz, 1 o fight upon ; I always fight upon a Clotl^ 
*tis our way abroad. 1 

Lttc. Come, Gentlemen, I'll end the Strife. lUnmsJbJ 

Wor, Lucy ! take her. 

Braz, The Devil take me if I do— Huzza! \ Fires ik 
PifoJ.'] D'ye hear, d'ye hear, you plaguy Harradan, hoH 
thofe Bullets whiille; fuppofe they had beea lodg'dil 
my Gizzard now I \ 

Luc, Pray, Sir, pardon me. ^ 

Braz. I can't tell. Child, 'till I know whether W^ 
Money be fafe. [Searching his Pocket^ Yes, ye», 1 01 
pardon you, but if I had you in Rofe Tavern, Co'uent' 
Garden, with three or four hearty Rakes, and three or 

four 



The Recruiting Officer. 8i 

bur fmart Napkins, I would tell you another Story, my 
>ear. [£*#/• 

' MVr. And was MeUnia privy to this ? 

Luc. No, Sir, (he wrote her Name upon a piece of ' 
•iper at the Fortune-teller's lall Night, which 1 put in 
3y Pocket, and fo writ above it to the Captain. 

Wtr, And how came Melinda^s Journey put off? 

Luc. At the Town*8-end flie met Mr. Ballanct^% 
teward, who told her, that Mrs. Sylvia was gone from 
er Father's, and Nobody could tell whither. 

iVor. Syhia gone from her Father's ! This will be 
fe«s to Plume, Go home, and tell your Lady how near 
was being fliot for her. [Exeunt, 

)ntir Ballance nxiitb a Napkin in his Hand^ as rijen from 
Dinner^ and Steward. 

Stew, We did not mifs her till the Evening, Sir ; and 
kn fearching for her in the Chamber that was my 
oung Maftcr*s, we found her Cloaths there ; but the 
W that your Son left in the Prefs, when he went to 
4mdony was gone. 

BaL The White trimm'd with Silver ? — . 
' f /fu). The fame. 

Bal, You ha'n't told that Circumilance to any body. 

Stev), To none but your Worfhip. 

Bal, And be fure you don't ; go into the Dining- 
torn, and tell Captain Plume that 1 beg to fpeak with 

^tenjj. I (hall [Exit, 

BaL Was ever Man fo impos'd upon ? I had her Pro- 
(Bfe, indeed, that (he would never difpofe of herfelf 
Iridioat my Confent. I have confented with a Whnefs, 
p'ren her away as my AA and Deed — And this, 1 war- 
lot* the Captain thinks will pafs ; no, I fhall never 
lirdon him the Villainy, firft of robbing me of my 
^ghter, and then the mean Opinion he mull have of 
se, td think that I could be fo wretchedly impos'd upon; 
ftr JBXtravagant Faffion might encourage her in the At- 
llipty bat the Contrivance mufl be his—— Pll know the 
rath prcfehtly.— — 

Entef 



Enter Plume; 
Pl-ay; Captam what have you done with your youttg 
Gentleman Soldier ? 

P)ume. He's at my Quarters I fiippofe, with the reft 
t>f tny Men, 

Bal, Does' "he keep Company with the common Sol- 
ndiers ? 

Flume. No, he's genefally with me > 

Bal. He lies with you, I prefume. 

Plume. No, 'faith, I ofFer'd him a part of my Bed— ^ 
"but the young Rogue fell itt Love ivith Ro/e, and his 
lain with her, I think, fince fhe came to Town. 

B'aL So that between you both, Rojk has been finely 
xnanag'd* 

Plume. Upon my Honlnir, Sir, fhe had no harm from 
toe. , 

Bal. All's fafe, I find Now, Captain, you muft. 

•know, that the young Fellow's Impudence in Court was 
Vs'tW grounded ; he faid I fhould heartily repent his being 
lifted, and fo I do from my Soul* 

Plume. Ay ! for what Reafon ? 

Bal. Becaufe he is no lefs than what he faid he wasv 
horn of as good a Family as any in this Country, and he 
is Heir to twelve hundred Founds a- Year. 

Plume, I'm very glad to hear it Foi- I want butt 

Man of that Quulity to make my Company a perfeft Re» 
prefentative nf the whole Commdns of England, 

Bal. Won't you difcharge him ? 

Plume. Not under a hundred Pounds Sterling. \ 

. Bal. You fhall have it, fOr his Father is my intifflttti 

friend, j 

Plume. Then you fhall have him for nothing. J 

Bal. Nay, Sir, you fhall have your Price. ^ . f 

Plume. Not a Penny, Sir; 2 value an Obligatioii b 
you much above an hundred Pounds. 

Ba'. Perhaps, Sir, you fha'n't repent your GeneroClf^ 

Will you pleaie to write his Dilchargein my Poclcc^i 

book ? [Gi'ves bis Book J] In the mean time^ we'll tak\ 
for the Gentleman. Who waits there? 

Enter a Servant. 
Go to tho Captain's Lodging, and enquire for ^t. U^ 
/ml, tell him his Captain wants him here immediately. 



y 



The Rifcmi/ing Officer: ^j 

Srr. Sir, the Gcnileman's below at the Door, cnquir* 
i&g. for the Captain. 

F/ume. Bid him come «p— Here's the Difchargc, Sir. 

BaL Sir, I thaak you ' Fis plaia he had no hand 

in't. [Jfide. 

Enter Sylvia. 
SyL I think. Captain, you might have usM me better 
than to leave me yonder among your fweariug. drunken 
Crew ; and you, Mr. Juflicc^ might have been fo civil as 
to Have invited me to Dinner, for I have eaten with as 
good a Man as your Worfhip. 

Plume, Sir, you mud charge our want of Refpeft upon 
our Ignorance of your Quality — hut now you are at 
Liberiy— I have difcharg'd you. 
Syh Difcharg'd me I 

iaL Yes, Sir, and you mud once more go home to 
your Father. 

' SyL My father ! Then I am difcovcr'd Oh, Sir, 

^KftedHfig,] I expeft noPardon. 

Bal, Pardon ! No, no. Child, your Crime <hall be 
your Punifliment^ here, Captain, I deliver her over to 
the Conjugal Power for her Chaftifement : Since fhe will 
be a Wife, be you a Hufl)and, a very Hulband — whea 
fhe tells you of her Love, upbraid her with her Folly $ 
be modimly ungrateful, becaufe (he has been unfaOiion- 
ably kihd,^ and ufe her worfe than you would any Body 
«lfe, becaufe you can't ufe her fo well as flie deferves. 
P/ume^ And are you Sylvia in good earned ? 
SyL Earned ! I have gone too far to make it a Jedy 
.^ir?— 

P/ume^ And do you give her to me in good earned^ 
BaL If you pleafe to take her, Sir. 
Flumi, Why then I have fav'd my Legs and Arms, and 
loft my Liberty 5 fecure from Wounds, 1 am prepared 
tot the Gout ; farewel Subfiftence, and welcome Taxes— 
Sir» my Liberty, and hopes of being a General, are much 
dearer to me than your twelve hundred Pounds a-Year-^ 
Bat to your Love, Madam, 1 refign my Freedom^ and 
to your Beauty my Ambition — <— greater in obeying at 
your Feet« than commanding at the Head of an Army. 

y«L, 11; h Bnte^ 



84. ^be Recruiting Officer. 

Enur Worthy. 

Wor, 1 am forry to hear, Mr. Ballanct, that yoaf 
Daughter is loll. 

BaL So am not I, Sir, fTnce an honeft Gentleman has 
found her. 

Enter Melihda. 

Mel. Pray, Mr. Ballance^ what's become of my Coofin 
SyMa t 

BaL Your Coufin ^yl'via is talking yonder with your 
Coufin Plume 

Mel. and fTor. How ! 

SyL Do you think it ilrange, Coufjn, that a Woman 
fhould change ; but, I hope, you'll excafe a Change that 
has proceedtrd from Conflancy ; I alter'd my outfide, be* 
caufe I was the fame within ; and only laid by the Wo- 
man to make fure of my Man ; that's my Hiftory. 

MeL Your Hidory is a little Romantic, Coufin ; but 
(ince Succefs has crown'd your Adventures, you will have 
the World o* your Side, ' and 1 fhall be willing to go 
with the Tide, provided you'll pardon an Injury 1 offered 
you in the Letter to your Father. 

Plume ^ That Injury, Madam, was done to me. and 
the Reparation I expert fhall be made to my Friend ; 
make Mr. IVortbj happv, and 1 (hall be fatisfied. 

Mel, A good £xample. Sir, will go a great way--^— 
when my Coufin is pleas d to furrender, 'tis probable I 
iha'n't hold out much longer. 

Enter Brazen. 

Brax. Gentlemen, I am yours Madam, I am not 

yours. 

MeL I'm glad on't. Sir. 

Braxn So am 1— — You have got a pretty Houie here, 
Mr. Laconic. 

BaL Tis time to right all Midakes.— My Name, Sir, 
IS Ballanee, 

Braz, Ballance ! Sir, I am your moft obedient.— I 

know your whole Generation had not you an Uncle 

that was Governor of the Leeward iflands fome Years 
ago ? 

BaL Did yOM know him ? 

Braz. Intimately, Sir He play'd at Billiards to i 

MiracIe«-Yoa had a Brother too that was a Captain of 

^ tFirc^ 



Tie Recttiting Officer. 59 

^ Fireftip— — poor Dici-^he Had the moft engtgbjS way 
with him — of making Pnnch. — And then his Cabbin was 
fo neat—- butHs poor Boy, Jackt was fliev moft comical 
Baftard— Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I a pickled Dog, I Audi 
never fojgct him. 

.fbtmi.y^tW, Captain^ arc you fix'i k> your Projoa 
yet ? Arc you ft ill for the Privateer ? 

Bra%. No, no, I had enough of a Privateer juft now ; 
J had like to have been pick'd up by a Cruifer under falfe 
Colours, and a FrtMcb Pickaroon for ought 1 know. 

Plume. But have you got your Recruits, my Dear f 

Bra%. Not a Stick, my Dear. 

Flume, Probably, I fliall furniih you. 
Enttr Rofe and Bullock. 

'Rofe. Captain, Captain, 1 have got loofe once more, 
tnd have perfuaded my Sweetheart, Carfwbeeiy to ^o 
with us ; but you muH promife not to part with me again 

Syi I find, Mrs. Rofi has not' been pleased with her 
Bedfellow. 

Ro/e. Bedfellow ! I don't know whether I had a Bed- 
fellow or not. 

Rofe. Don't be in a Paffion, Child, I was as little 
|)leas'd with your Company, as you could be with mine, 

BuL VrsLy, Sir, donna b>c offended at my Sifter, (he's 
fomething under bred, but if you pleafe, I'll lie with 
yoQ in her (lead. 

Plume. I have promis'd. Madam, to provide for this 
Girl ; now will you be pleafed to let her wait upon you ? 
or (hall 1 take care of her ? 

Syl. She fliall be my Charge, Sir; you may find it 
Bofinefs enough to take care of me. 

BuL Ay, and of me. Captain ; forwauns! if ever you 
lift your Hand againft me, 1*11 defert. 

Plume. Captain ^r^s^/i fhall take cate o'that: My 
Dear, inftead of the twenty thoufand Pounds you talk'd 
of, you ihall have the twenty brave Recruits that I have 

rais*d at the rate tliey coll me. -My Commiffion 1 lay 

down, to be taken up by fome braver Fellow, that has 
mpre Merit, and lefs good Fortune — whilft I endeiivOur, 
W tie Example of this worthy Gentleman^ to ferve ihy 
Qgeen and Couatry at home. 

L 2 With 



^iih fmi Rtpa I fvit th sl/i-vt FUld^ 

Mtii fifd Hitwmif^g -Ira^i^^ *wttk atH tit *ffitim 
0/ tftiil^i t^itigui^ Fti/igiti, and imSf/i PAin^ 
ifimdiy ftttt, ^ith my/air Sp^t^t iti ftay^ 



[&i«iilti 



^1^^ if |V ^«h 



n 



1 




f «7 J 



^l<^*^«MP»^^^^^^ 



EPILOGUE. 



AL L Ladies and Gentlemen, that are willing to fee 
the Comedy, caH'd the Rtcruiting Officer^ let then* 
ncpair To-morrow Night, by fix o'clock, to the Sign of 
the Tbeatve-Rffji^aJf in Dntfy-Lam^ and they ihall be kitid* 
]y entertain'd. 

Wefc^rn the mulgar Ways to hi i you comt% 
WboU Europe nvw obeys tbt Call of Drum* 
Tbe Soldier, not tbe Pott, bere appears. 
And heats up for a Corps of Volunteers : 
Befnds that Mufie cbiefy does delight yf^ 
And therefore ebufes Mufic to invite ye. 

Beat the Grenadier March — Row, row, row, — 
Gentlemen, this Piece of MuAg> call'd, An 0*verture to. 
a Battle, was composed by a famous Italian Mailer, and 
was performed with wonderfe^l •Succefs, at the great 
Operas of Vigo, Schellenbergb -and Blenheim ; it came ofF 
with the Applaufe of all Sttitope, excepting France ; the 
French found it a little too rough for their Delicatejfe. 



Some that have aSled on tho/e glorious Stages^ 
Are bere to «witnefs to fucceeding Ages, 
^bat no Mujic like the Grenadier's engages^ 



\ 



Ladies, we mufl own that this Mufic of ours is not al- 
together fo foft as BononcmVs ; yet we dare affirm, that it 
has laid more People afleep than all the ^Camillas in the 
World 5 and you'll condelcend to own, that it keeps one 
jpraif^ey beter than any Opera that ever was aded. 

L 3 The 



t9 E P r L;0 U E. 

Tbe Grenadier March feems to be a Compoftfre ex- 
cellently adapted to the Genitu of the Englijbt for no Mo- 
iic waa ever follow'd (d itxhy ut> nor with ib much Al^ 
crity ; and with all Deference to the prefent Sobfcriptioil, 
' We muft /ay» that the Grenadier March has been lob- 
fcribM for by the whole Grand Alliance: And we ore- 
fame to inform the Ladies, that it always has the Pre* 
eminence abroad, and is conHantly heard bv the talleft^ 
handfomeft Men in the whole Army. In ihort, tom- 
tify the prefent Tafle, our Author is now adapting fome 
Words to the Grenadier March, which he intends to 
have performed to morrow, if the Lady« who is to iing 
it, ihould not happen to be iick. 

^bis be coHcMis /• be tie furefi nuay 1 

7o drttw you kitber ; fir ynfU alfobif > 

Sf/i fiiMfic'f CalJ, tb9^j9ufi9uU damn hu P/e^. } 



i^ik ff I i^M 



THl 



THE 



Beaux Stratagem : 



COMEDY. 

An it is Acted at th& 

THEATRE-ROYAL 

I N 

D R U R Y.L A N E, 

By His MAJESTY'S Servants. 



I O N D O fT: 
Priated fer T. Caslon, and T. LownSBt. 



M|D€C,LXXII. 



***#****?»*^********««*«ft««a^ 



Advertifement. 

'npHE Reader may find fomt Faults m 
•*^ this PLAY, which my Illnefs prevent* 
ed vthe ameilding of s but thefe a great 
Amends made in the Reprefentation^ which 
cannot be matched, no more than the friendly 
and indefatigable Care of Mr. fFilkSy to whom 
I chiefly owe the Succd« of the Pky^ 

G. FarqjiharJ 



it^iSiiitib^ib^^iitik^iSittitititib^^^ii^^iSti^iti^ 



C 3 J 






PROLOGUE. 



Spoken by Mr. WILKS. 

JZrfiMff Strifltdifinrisf or Sloth corrrupt an Ager> 
^'^ H^ Sflfirf'ii the Bufine/s of the Stage. 
When /i6< Plain Dealer nvrit, btlaflidthpfi CrimeL 

Wbidf iiiM infiftti moft the modijh limes : 

But noi^ nufkm FmBion Jleeps^ and Sloth isfled^ 

And alI.out Touth in a^ive Fields are bfed y 

When thrd^ GREAT BRITAIN*/ fair extenffvt Roufidi. 

The Trumps: ^f Fame, the Notes of UmO^ found ; 

When A^NNA'i Sapt re points the Lanvs their Courfe,, 

And her Example gi'vesher Preupts Force ; 

Thertfcarce is rmmfot Satine.; ^all our Lays 

Muft hef tr Songs of Triumph, or of Prafe- 

But as jfi'Qsftems4t.Uft culti'vated, tares 

And Poppies rife am^g the Golden Ears ; 

€>ur Preduafiy fit for the Field or School^ 

Muft mix, with Nature* s Favourite Plant a Fo^ 

A Weed that has to tnuenty Summers ran^ 
Shoots up iie Stalk-, and Vegetates to Man* 
Simpling our Author goes from Field to Field ; 
Ahd ctdlsfufh l^pols as may Diwrfion yield f 
And, thanks to Nature, there^ no ivant of thofei 
For Rain or Shine^ the thriving Coxcomb gro^ivs^. 
Follies to^nigbtijoe Jhenv ne'' er laft?* d before , 
Xet fuch as Nature ft2e*ws you evry. Hour i 
Nor can the Figures give ajufi Offence, 
Folr Fook ari^ made for J efts to Men of Senfe^ 

L c D R A* 



DRAMATIS PERSONifc. 
DRURY-LANE, 1775U 



MEN; 



'Archer^ 


Mr. GurricJU 


Ainvwett^ 


Mr. Pacier. 


SMn, 


Mr. BunMfiet^. 


Bomfaci^ 


Mr. AchmmH4 


Foi^ardt 


IRx.U^j, 


Gibbet f 


Mr. Bramjbf* 


Sir darbf tmmi^ 


ykt.J.Jiickin. 


Scrubs 


Mr. ^^«jv. 




WOMEN. 


Dcrindat 


Ut%.ltiJdifi^^ 


Lady BQuntifui^ 


MiTsCf^A 


Cbirrjt^ 


Mrs. /v. 


Mr9. Sul/et^ 


Mrj. f 0nr|h 



SCINE, tlfCaFlSllK 




THE 

Beaux-Str at a g e m. 

t^t'tttt*ttt+ttttt+ttttt1ttt+ttntt1t 



ACT I. 

SCENE, An hn. 

Enter Boaiface rmnmng. 

[Hamberlain, Maid, Chirfy^ Daughtel' 
j|y('^^U{ Cbirry %. all aflcep ? all dead I 
« S« iF»/^ Cherry running, 

falPf jj Ci&^r Here, here. Why d>e bawl fo^ 
"^**'-** Father? D'ye think we have no Ears? 
Bon, You deierve to have none, you young Minx :— — 
The Company of the Warrington Coach has liood in the 
JUall this Hour, and Nobody to (hew them to thtir 
Chambers. 

Chtr, And let *em wait. Father; there's neither Red- 
coat in the Coach, nor Footman behind it. 

Bon, But they tlrreaten to go to another Tnn to*aight. 
Cher. That they dare not, for fear the Coachinaa 
(hould overturn them to-morrow.^—— Comings coming : 
Jiere'ilhe Zrtfff4'(?« Coach arriv'd. 




& 7 Be Beaux Siratagtmi 

Mnfer fevtral Pi^pk 'with Trunks y Band-hoxes^ <wtiB oth0- 
Luggage, and crofs the Stage, 

Boh. Welcome, Ladies. 

Ch^. Very welcome, Gentlemen — Chamberlauiy iheftr 
l^e Lion and the Ro/i. ££xit wM the Compawf^ 

Un$€P AimwcU in u Riding Haiit, Arcker «/ Footmnn^ 
carrying a Portmanteau^ 

Bon, This way, this way. Gentlemen^ 

jlim^ Set down the Things } go lo the Stable> and fie 
my Horfes well rubbM. 

Jrch. I (hall, Sir. [Exit^ 

Jim, You're my Landlord, I fuppofe ? 

Bon. Yes, Sir, Tm old Will. Btmifau^ pf^Cj well; 
known apon ^is Road, as the Saying is. 

Aim. O ! Mr. Boniface y your Servant, 

Bon. 0\ Sir — What, will your Honour pleafe to drink^ 
as the Saying is ? 

Aim. 1 have heard your Town of Litchfield m^Qh. fam^di 
for Ale, I think ; I'll tafte that. 

Bon. S'r, I have now in my Cellar ten Ton of the befk 
Ale in Stafford/hire ; 'tis fmOc«h as oil, fweet as Millc>, 
clear as Amber, and (Irong as Brandy, and will be juft 
fourteen Years eld the fifth Day of next March, Old; 
Stile. 

Aim, You're very t±i% I find, in the- Age of you^ 
Ale. k- 

Bon» As pundual, Sir, as I am in the Age of my Chil<v. 
dren : Til mew you fuch Ale— —Here, Tapfter, oroacE? 
Number 1706, as the Saying is ;r— Sir, you iliall tafte 

my Anno Domini 1 have liv'd in Litchfield^ Man and^ 

Boy, above eight and- fifty Years, and,^ 1 believe, Kave* 
not con fum'd eight and fifty Ounces of Meat. . 

Aim. At a< Meal, you mean, if one may gneis yooJN- 
Senfe by your Bulk. 

J?o«.. Not in my Life, Sir : I have fed purely upon. 
Ale ; I have ea^ my Ale^ drank my Ale, and 1 alvvaya 
deep upon Ale. 

Enter Tapfter njnith a Bottle and Glafs. 
Mow,, Sir, you Ihall fee \FMng it out,"] Your Worfliip'l 
, Healths. 



The Beaux Sfrafagm. f 

Health: Haf delicious, deliciout—— fancy it Burgundy^ 
mtk\sf fancy xt> and Hit worth ten Shillings a Quart. 

Ainu [Drinks*] 'Tis confoiwded flrong. 

Boh. Strong I it maft be ib» or kow would we be ftrong 
ihatdrbkit? 

Am. And have you lir'd fi> iMg upon this Ale, Land- 
lord f / 

Bon, Eight and fifty Years, upon my Credit, Sir ; h^ 
it kiird my Wile, poor Woman, as the Saying isi 

Jim* How came that to pafs ? . 

Bon» I doa*t know how. Sir ; (he would not let the 
Ale take its natural Courfe, Sir ; ihe was for qualifying 
k every now and then with a Dram, as the Saying is ; 
and an honed Gendeman that came this way from Iri* 
iand^ made her a Prefent of a doaen fiottles of Ufquo* 
bangh-r- — the poor Woman was never well after : But^. 
Jlowe'er, I was obligM to the Gentleman, you know. 

Aim, Why, was it the Ufqaebaugh that kiird her ? 

Bon. My Lady Bountiful wid fo She, good Lady, 

did what could be done ; flie cur*d her of three Tympa- 
aies, but the fourth carried her oSy butibe's happy, and 
itm contented, as the Saying is. 

Aim. Who's that Lady Bountiful^ you mention*d ? 
- Bon^. 'Odds iny Life, Sir, we'll drink her Health* 
IPrinkt.'l niy Lady Bountiful is one of the beft of Wo« 
aien : Her laft Hulband, Sir Charles Bountiful left her 
worth a t^oufaad Pounds a- Year ; and, I believe, ihe lays 
out one half oo't in charitable tffes for the good of her 
Mdghfayoors ; ike cures Rheumatifms, Ruptures, and 
kroken Shins ki; Men ; Green-£cknefs, Obftrudions, 
and Fits of the Mother in Women ■ Tlie Krng's 

Evil, Chin-cough, and Chilblains in Children : In iliort, 
Jhe kas cured more People in and about Litchfield within 
ten Years, than the Dolors have kiird in* twenty, and . 
tbat*8 a bold Word. 

Aim. Has the Lady been any otlier way ufeful in her. 
Generation ? 

Bon. Yes, Sir, (he has a Daoghtw by Sir Charles, the 
fineft Woman in all our Country, and the grcateft For- 
tune: She has a Son too^ by her firfl Hufband, *Squire 
Sullen^ who married a fine Lady from London toother 
JQay I if you pleafe. Sir, we'll drink kis Health* 



S Tie Beaux Siraiagem. 

jCm. What fort of a Man is he ? 

Bom. Why, Sir» the Man*8 well enoogb; (ays litde^ 
thinks lefs, and does — ^nothing at all, 'faith i But he's a 
■J^an of great Eftate, aad values Nobody. 

j^im, A SportfmaDy I fuppofe ? 

Bm. Yes, Sir^ he's a Msin of Pleafnre ; he plays at 
Whi(k, and fmoaks his Pipe eight and forty Hoors toge- 
ther feme times. 

jfim. A fine Sportfaan, truly ! And married, you fay ^ 

Bou, Ay, and to a curious Woman, Sir— But he*s a— 
He wants it here. Sir. [PBtnting to bis Forehead, 

Aim. He has it there,, you mean. 

Bon, That's none of my Bufinefs ; he's my Landlord, 
and fo a Man, you know, would not — But I-cod, he's 
no better than — Sir^my humble Service to you. [Dr/ffix.] 
Tho' I value not a Farthing what he can do to me ; 1 
pay him hi» Rent at Quarter-day ; I have a good Run* 
ing-trade ;. I have but one Daughter, and 1 can give 
her — But no matter for that. 

Aim. You're very happy, Mr. Bonifaa ; pray, what 
other Company have you in Town } 

Bon, A power of fine Ladies ; and then We have the 
French Officers, 

Jim. O' that's ^ht^ you have a good many of thofr 
Gentlemen • Pray,- hiw do you like their Companjr ^ 

Ben. So well, as th6 Saying is, that I could wtih we 
had ai many more of ''tsn ; they're full of Money, and 
pay double (ot every'^ng they have ; they know, Sir^ 
that we paid good> r6ifnd Taxes for the taking of *em,. 
and fo they are willing to reimburfe ns a little : One of 
'em lodges in my Hoiife» 

Enter Archer, 

Arch. Landlord, there are fome Fnuch Gentlemen be» 
low, that aik for yon. 

Bon. rU wait on 'em^Does your Maflcr flay lone in 
Town, as the Saying is*. \Jo Aicher^ 

^cb. I can't tell, as the Saying is* 

Bon. Come from London f 

Arch. No! 

Bon. Going to Lendwi may hap !: 

Ardb*,^o\ 

3 B^n^. 



. VbiBiamt Stratagem. 9: 

Bm. An odd Felkw this: I beg your Worflup's Par^ 
,' doa, ril wait on yon in half a Minate. [ ExU.^ 

Jim. The Coaft't clour, I fee— Noitf» my dear Arcb$r^ 
welcome to LiicbfitU. 

Arch. I thank thee, my dear Brother m Iniquity. 

Mm. InifMtjf ! prithee, leave Canting ;. yoa need not 
change yonr Stile with youf Drefs, 

Arch. Don't miiUke me, AimwUt for ^tii flill my 
Maxim, diat thereV no Scandal like Rags, nor any Crime 
fi> ibamefnl as Poverty. 

Aiwi. The "World confeflei it every Day iff its PraAice, 
though Men won't own it for their Opinion : Who did 
diat worthy Lord, mv Brother, ilngle out of the Side-box 
to fnp with him t'other Night ? 

Arch. jMck HmtUcraft^ a handfome, well-drefs'd,. 
nannerly, Sharping Rogue, who keeps the belL Company 
in Town. 

Aim* Right; and pray who married my Lady Matt'- 
Jlaughur t'other Day, the great Fortune ? 

Arch, Why, Nick Marraiom, a profefs'd Pick -pockety, 
and a eood Rowler ;. but he makes a handfome Figure ;. 
and rides in his Coach that he formerly ufed to ride be- 
hind. 

Aim. But did you obferve poor %mk Gcmr^tu in the 
;ftuitlaftWe*l 

Arch. Yes, with his AntaiMial Pernvig, (hading hb 
jnelancholy Fa(ce^ his Coat oliet than any thing but its 
Faihion, with one Hand idle iftMs Pocket, and with the 
other picking his ufeleiaTaedbaMMi tho' the Mall was 
crondM with Company,, yet was poor Jack as iingle and 
Iblitary as a Lion in a D^art. 

Aim. And as much avoided, &r no Crime upon Eartk 
bntthe want of Money.. 

' Arch. And that's enough ;. Men muft not be poor ;. 
.Xdlenefs is the Root of all Evil ; the World's wide 
cnongh, let 'em buftle : Fortune has taken the Weak 
under her Prote^on, but Men of Senfe are left to their 
Induftry. 

Aim, Upon which Topic we proceed, and, I think, 
luckily hiherto. Would not any Man fwear now that I 
am a Man of Quality, and you m/ Servant,, when.if our 
lAtrinfic Value were knowur— - 

Auk* 



to The BedUi^SirMogem: 

Arch, Come, come, we are the Men of inftrinfic Valo^ 
i^ho can ftrike our Forttines out of otirielves, whofe 
l^orth IS independeat of Acckteiitt in Life, or Revolu* 
tions in Government : We have Heads to get Mone^, 
and Hearts to fpend it. 

Aim. As to our Hearts, Igrantye, they^ are a» willing 
Tits as any within twenty Degrees ; bat I can have n& 

treat Opinion of our Heads from the Service they have 
one us hitherto, nnlefs it be that they brought us from- 
Londw hither to Litchfield^ made me a Lord^ atid you my 
SeiVant. 

Arch. That's more than you could ex^e£b already«^ 
Bnt what Money have we left ? 

Aiml Bat two hundred Pound. 

Arch. And our Horfes, Cloaths, Rings, fefr. why, we 
Bave very good Fortunes now for moderate People ; and 
let me tell you, that this two hundred Pounds^ with the 
Experience that we are now Mafiers of, is a better 
Eftate than the ten tttoufand we have fpent— Our Friend<t 
indeed, began to fufpefl that our Pockets were low, but 
we came off with flying Colours^ ihewM no figns of 
Want either in Word or Deed. 

Aim, Ay, and o^r going to BruJfeU was a good pre^ 
tence enough for ^r Ridden difappearing; and, 1 war* 
lant you, our Friends imagine, that we are gone a VdL. 
lunteering. "^ 

Areb. Why, 'faith ST^Ws Projeft fails, it muft c*ep 
«ome to that, I am fof^rejitiiring one of the Hiindreds, n 
you will, (ipon thir^^Bimght Errantry; but in cafe it 
ihould failj we'll Yekxvt the other td carry us to fom^ 
Counterfcarp, where we may die as we livM, in a Bhiz6. 

Aim. With all my fteart, and we havt liv'd jnftly- . 
Archer \ we can't fay that we have Ipent our Fortune!^ • 
'but that we hare enjoy'd 'era. 

Arch. Right; fo much Plcafnre for fo much Money;. 
wehav« had our Penny-worths ; and had I Millions,'! 
would go to- the ikme Market again^ O London^ London t 
well, we have had our Share, and let us be thankful : 
Paft Pleafur<'8, for ought 1 know, are beft, fuch we aro- 
iure of ; thofe to eonoe may difappoint us. 

Aim, It has often gricv*d the Heart of me, to (ee how 
(bme inhuman Wrecghe» murder their kind Fortunes ; 

thofe* 



Ti€ Biau9c Stratagem^ 1 1 

kkoie that by facrificinff all to one Appetite, (hall (Urve 
all the reft — You fhallhave fome that live only in their 
Pabtes, and in their Senfe of Tading (hall drown the 
other Four : Others are only Epicures in Appeirances, 
fuch who (hall flarve their Nights to make a Fignre a 
Days, and famifli their own, to feed the Eyes of others : 
A contrary fort confine their Pleafures to the liark, and 
contract their fpacious Acres to the Circuit of a Muff* 
ftring. 

Arch. Right ; but they find the InMes in that Spo^ 
where they confume *eni, and, I think, your kind Keepers 
have much the beft on't ; for they indulge the mod 
Senfes by one Expence, there's the Seeing, Hearing, and 
Feeling, amply gratified; and fome Philofophers will 
tell you, that from fuch a Commerce, there ariies a 
fixth Senfe, that gives infinitely more Pleafure than the 
other five put together. 

Aim, And to pafs to the other Extremity, of all Keep- 
trs, 1 think thofe the word that keep their Money. 

Arch, Thofe are the moft miferable Wights in Being : 
they deftroy the Rights of Nature, and Jirappoint the 
Bleflinga of Providence : Give me a Man that keeps his 
Tive Senfes keen and bright as his Sword, that has 'ena 
always drawn out in their juft Order and Strength, with 
his Beafon, as Commander at the Head of 'em, that de* 
laches 'cm by turns upon whatever Party of Pleafure 
agreeably offeri, ^A commands *em to retreat upon the 

leaft Appearance "or Difadvantage, or Danger: For 

my part, I can (lick to my Bottle, while my Wine, my 
Company, and my Reafon, holds good ; I can be charm'd 
V'ilh Sappho's Singing, without falling in Love with her 
Face: 1 love Hunting, but would not, like A^^eon^ bo 
eaten up by my own Dogs ; I love a fine Houlie, but let 
another keep it; and ju5 fo J love a fine Woman. 

Aim. Jn that laft Parpcular you have the better of me.. 

Arch. Ay. you're f\ich aa amorous Puppy, that Tm 
afraid yo'u'u fpoil our Sport 3 you can't counterfeit the 
Pafiion witM)ut feeling it. 

Aim. Tho'the whining part be out bf Doors in Town, 
Ms lUll in force with the Country Ladies : — And let me 
tell you, Frank, the Fool in ^t PaiEon ftiall outJo the 
Knave at any time. 

. Arc* 



It The Beaux Stratagem. 

Arch. Well, I won't diipute it now ; yoa commani 
for the Day, and fo I fubmit: At Nottingbam^ yoa 
know, I am to be Mailer. 

Jim. And at Lincoln, I again. 

jfrcb. Then, at Normrich I mount, which, I think, 
Ihall be our lad Stagq; for, if w^ fail there, we'll em- 
bark for Holland, bid adieu to Venus, and welcome Mars, 

Jim, A Match ! [Enter Boniface.] Monu 

Boft. What will your Wo/lhip plea6 to have for Sup- 
per ? 

Jim, What have yott got ? 

Bon, Sir, we have t delicate piece of Beef in the For, 
and a Pig at the Fire. 

Jim. Good Supper-meat, I muft confefi— — I can't 
eat Beef, Landlord. 

Jrcb. And I hate Pig. 

Jim. Hold your pratiog^ Sirrah ! Do you know who 
you are ? l^ke^ 

Bon, Pleafe to befpeak (bmethiog elfe ; I have every 
thing in the Houfe. 

Jim, Have you any Veal ? 

Bon. Veal ! Sir, we had a delicate Loin of Veal o% 
Wedne/daj lalt 

Jim, Have you got any Fifti, or Wild-fowl ? 

Boh. As for Fifh, truly. Sir, we are an inland Town^ 
and indifferently provided with FsAft* that's tke truth 
on*t ; but then for Wild-fowl !— — W# have » delkata 
Couple of Rabbets. 

Jim, Get me the Rabbets fricaileed. 

Bon. FricafTeed ! Lard, Sir, they eal modi letter 
fmother'd with Onions. 

Jrcb. Plhaw ! Rot your Onions, 

Jim, Again, Sirrah !— Well, Landlofltf, what yoo 
pleafe ; but hold, I have a fmall Charge of Money, and 
your Houfe is fo full of Strangers, that I believe it may 
DC fafer in your Cuftody than mine ; for when this Fel* 
low of mine gets drunk, he minds nothing— —Here, 
Sirrah, reach me the ftron^ Box. 

Jrcb, Yes^ Sir,— this will give us Reputation. 

[^Jide, BriniTf tbe Box. 

Jim. Here, Landlord, the Locks are feaied down both 
far your Security and mine ; it holds ibmawhat above 

Two 



7 hi Beaux Stratagem. ij 

^wohmdred Pounds ; if yoo doubt it» Til count it to 
von tf er Supper : Bat be Aire you lay it where I may 
have it at a N^nute's warning ; for my Affairs are a little 
dubious at prtitnt; perhaps I may begone in half an 
Hour, perhaps I may be yt>ur Gueft till the bed part of 
that be fpent ; and pray order your Oilier to keep my 
Horfes ready faddlea: But one thing above the reft I 
mufl beg, that you would let this Fellow have none of 

^our JfiHo Domini, as you call it ; for he*s (he moft 

mfufferable Sot Here, Sirrah, light me to my Cham- 
ber. 

jfrti. Yes, Sir ! [Exit, iigh/ed hj Archer. 

Bon. Cherry t Daughter C^^rry. 

Enter Cherry. 
Cher. D'ye call. Father ? 

Bon. Aji Child, you muft lay by this Bot for tht 
Gentleman, 'tis full of Money. 

Ckor. Money ! all that Money ! why fure, Father, the 
Gentlemaa comes to be chofen Parliament-man. Who 
is he? 

Bon. r don't know what to make of him ; he talks of 
JkeepiB^ hit Horfes ready faddled, and of going perhaps 
lit a Minute's warning, or of ftaying perhaps tiU the beft 
part of this be fpent. 

Cher. Ay\ ten to one. Father, he's a Highway-man. 
Bon. A Iii|;hwaxdP^n ! upon my Life, Girl, you have 
iiit it, and this BgolKjis fome new-purcha(ed Booty. ■ ■ 
Now, could we find him out, the Money were ours, 
Cher. He don't belong to our Gang. 
Bon. What Horfes have they ? 
Cher. The Mader rides upon a Black. 
' Bon. A Black ! ten to one the Man upon the black 
Mare ; and fince he don't belong to our Fraternity, we 
may betray him with a fafe Conlcience : I don't think it 
lawful to harbour any Rogues but my own. Look'e, 
Child; as the Saying is, we mufl go cunningly to work; 
Proofs we muft have; the Gentleman's Servant loves 
Drink, I'll ply him that way, and ten to one he loves 
a Wench ; you mull work him t'other way. 

Cher. Father, would you have me give my Secret for 
his ? 

Bon. Confider, Child, there's Two hundred Poundii 



1 4 ^be Seaux^ Siratagim^ 

to boot. [^Ri^tgif^ *utitbQut,'\ Comiii^, cdming.— >Cluld| 
mind your Buitners. 

Chir. What a Rogae is my Father ! my Father ! I deny 
it, ■ My Mother was a good, generous, free-hearted 
Woman, and I can't tell how far her Good-nature might 
hav6 extended for the good of her Children. This Land- 
lord of mine, for I think I can call him no more, woukl 
betray his Gue((, and debauch his Dauglrter into tho 
Bargain, — by a Footman too f 

Enter Archer. 

Jrch, What Footman, pray, Miftrefs, is fo happy a| 
to be the Subject of yonr Contemplation } 

Cher. Whoever he is. Friend, he'll be but little the 
better for*t. 

Arch, I hope (Of for, Vm furc^, you did not tbifik of 
me. 

Cher, Soppofe I had ? 

Jrcb, Why then you're bat even with tac ; fiMr the*. 
Minute I came in, I was coafid^rix^ ifk what jH^aiUMr t 
ihould make Love to you. 

Cker^ Love to me, Fciend I 

Jrcb. Yes, Child. 

Cb^r. Child ! MaiuieFs ; if you kept a little moM iiSi 
tance, Friend, it would become you i^noh better. 

jircb* Diftance 1 good Night, Sa^icebox. [^^^gi 

Cher. A pretty Fellow; 1 like his Pride*— Sir, vray; 
Sir, you fee. Sir, [Archer return/] I have the Credit to 
be intruAed with your Mader^s Fortune here^ which fat 
me a degree above his Footman ; I hope. Sir, yoa a*n't 
affronted. 

Arch, Let me look you full in the Face, and Til tell ' 
you whether you can affront me or no. — 'Sdeath, ChUd, 
you have a pair of delicate Fyes, and you don't knoif 
what to do with 'em. 

Cher^ Why, Sir, clon't I iee every Body ? * 

Jrch, Ay, but if fomp Women had 'em, they woohl 
kill every Body. — — ^Prithee, inftruft me, 1 would fiaia 
inake Love to you, bfit J do.n't know i^hat to (ay. 

Cher. Why, did you never make havt to asy Bodjr 
before? ". 

Arch. Never to a Perfon of your Figure, I can aflaro 
you. Madam, my Adflre^es have bieeo always confined to 

Peoplo 



"Tii Biafi9i Stratagem. 15 

People within my own Sphere^ I never afpir'd To high 
^fore. [Archcr^»^« 

Bui you look fo Bright, ^ 

Jind art irtfs*d fo tight. 

That a Man nnou^dJnAjear you*rt Right, 
Jh Arm nuasier. laid, o'vtr. 

SMchanAir 
Tou fruty ^ear 
7o en/nor t, 
^As makes each Gutft m Lover f 

Since then, my Dear, Pmydur Guefi,^ 

Prithee give me iif tb€ Beft . . ' 'V; s 

Ofwohat is ready Dreft : 
Since then, my D4ar, SfC. . 

Cher. What can I think of this Man ? [Afide.) Wilt 
yf n give me «hat*Soii^, Sir I .t' 

Arch. Ay, my Dear, take it while it is warm. \^KiJfe$ 
h€r,'\ Death and Fire ! her Lips* are Honey-combs. 

Cher. And I wiih there had been a Sv^m of Bees too, 
to have ftungyou for your Impudence. 

Arch. There's a Swarm o^Cupids, my little >V^> *^^^ ' 
lias done the Bu/inefs much better. 

Cher. ThisPcllewismilbcgottert'as wellasl. {Afide.^ 
What^ youf Name, Sir ? 

Arch. Name! I gad 1 have forgot it. [^AJideJ] Oh? 
Martin. 

Cher, Where were you horn ? 

Arch, fn »t. Martin's Parilh. 

Cher. What was your Father ? 

Ar€h. Of-f-of — fSt. Martin*s Parifh, 
'€Aer. Then, Friend, good-night* 

Atch. I WBipe' not. 

Cher, You^may depend upon' t, 

jtrch. Upon what?. 

Cher. Th^t yopke very impudent. 

Arch. Tnat you're \ery h^ndfQ^jet 

Cher, That youj-e^a Footjnan. 

Arch, That you're* an hrijjel. 

Cbtr. I (hall be rud^. 

ditch. So fhall r. 

Chtr. 



j6 The BesM Siratagem. ' 

Che^ Let go my Hand. ' 

jirch* Give me a Kifs. 

[Kifes her. Boniface caHs without Cherry, Cherry, 

Cher. I'm — My Father calls ; you plaguy Devil, hoxr 
duril you (lop my Breath (b ? — — -OiFer to follow me one 
ftep, if you dare. 

jfrch. A fair Challenge, by this Light ; this is a 
pretty fair Opening of an Adventure ; but wc are Kuight- 
errants, and fo Fortune be our Guide. {Exit^ 

The EM of the Firft ACT. 

ACT 11. 

SCENE, A Gallery in Lady Bountifur/ 
Houfe. 

Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda meeting. 
P4ir. TV ^ Orrow, my^ dear Sifter ; are you for Church 
XVJL ^his Morning ? 

Mrs. W. Anywhere to pray; for Heaven alone can 
help me : But I think, Dorinda^ there's no Form of 
Prayer in the Liturgy againft bad Hufbands. 

Dor. But there's a Form of Law at Do&ors Commons t 
and 1 Avear, Sifter Sullen^ rather than fee you thus con- 
tinually difcontented, I would advife^you to apply to 
tha: : For bcfides the part that I bear in your vexatioui 
Broils, as being Sifter to the HuA>and, and Friend to the 
"Wife, your Examples give me fuch an ImpreiSon of Ma- 
trimony, that 1 ftiall be apt to condemn my Perfon to a 
long Vacation all its Life—- But fuppoiing, .Madam, that 
you brought it to a Cafe of Separation, what can you 
\}Tgt agamft your Huftsand? My Brother is, firft, the 
mo'l conftant Man alive. "* • 

Mrs. SuL The moft conftant Hulband^ I grant ye. . 

Dor, He never ileeps from you. % 

Mrs. Sul. No, he always deeps with me. 



Tie Bsaux Siratagml ij 

Dor. He allows you a Maiatenance fuiuble to year 
Quality. 

Mrs. Sul, A Maintenance ! do you take me. Madam, 
for an Hoijpital Child, that I mu(^ fit down, and blefs my 
Benefadors, for Meat, Drink, and Clothes ? As 1 take 
it. Madam, I brought your Brother Ten thoufand Pounds, 
out of which 1 might exped fome pretty Things, call d 
Pleafures. 

Dor* You ihare in all the fleafures that the Country 
affords. 

Mrs. SmL Country Pleafures ! Racks and Torments f 
Doft think. Child, th t my Limbs were made for leaping 
of Ditches, and clambrirg over Stiles; or that my Pa- 
rents wifely forefeeing my future Happinefs in Country 
Pleafures,' had early in flrudied me in the rural AccompliOi- 
ments of drinking fat Ale. playing at Whill, and fmoak- 
iog Tobacco with my Hufband ; or of fpreading of Plaif. 
ters, brewing of Diet-drinks, and diflilling Rofemary« 
water, with the good old Gentlewoman my Mother-in-> 
law? 

Dor. Fm forry. Madam, that it is not more in ou^ 
Power to diyert you ; I could wifh, indeed, that our En- 
tertainments were a little more polite, or your Tafle a 
iittcle le(s refined ; But pray, Madam, how came the 
¥6ets and Philofophers, thatlabourM fo much in hunt<« 
ing after PleaAire, to place it at lad in a Country-life ? 

Mrs. Sul, Becauie they wanted Money, Child, to find 
out the Pleafures of the Town : Did you ever hear oi a 
doctor Philofophcr worth Ten thoufand Pounds ? If you 
^n (hew me fuch a Man, I'll lay you fifty Pounds, you'U 
£nd him fomewhere within the weekly Bills. Not that I 
difapprove rural Pleafures, as the Poets have painted 
them in their Lanfcapes ; tvtry Fhylis hasr her Corydon^ 
every murmuring Stream, and every flow'ry Mead gives 

frclh Alarms to Love Befides, you'll find that their 

Couples were never married : — Bat yonder, I fee my Co- 
rjden, and a fweet Swain it is, Heaven knows-*Come, 
Verinda, don't be angry, he's my Hufband, and yoiur 
Brother, and between both, is he not a fad Brute ? 

Dor, I have nothing to fay to your part of him, yoo'r^r 
the bell Judge. 

Mrs. Sui* O Sifter, Sifter ! if ever you marry, beware 

2 of 



1 8 The Beaux Strafageml 

ef a futkn, (iknt Sot, one that's always mufing, bat tt^ 
vcr thinCs. — 1 here's fome IJivetfion in a talking Block«> 
liead ; and Ance a Woman mull wear Chains, i woold 
have the Pleaiure of hearing 'em rattle a little.— Now, 
you (hall fee ; but take this by the way, he came Home 
this Morniob; at his ufu^l Hour of Four, waken'd me oat 
of a fwcet iJream of fbmcthing elfe, by tumbling over 
the Tea- table, which he broke all to Pieces; after hit 
Man and he had rowFd about the Room like fick Paflen- 

fers in a Scorm, he comes flounce into Bed, dead as a 
alnion into a Filhmonger's Bafket ; his Feet cold as Ice, 
his Breath hot as a Furnace, and his Hands and his Face 

as greafy as his Flannel Night-cap Oh Matrimony ! 

Matrimony ! ■ He toflcs up the Clothes with a bar- 
barous fwing over his Shoulders, diforders the whole 
Oeconomy of my Bed, leaves me half naked, and my 
whole Night's Comfort is the tuneable Serenade of that 
wakeful Nightingale, his Nofe ■■. — O the Pleafurc of 
counting the melancholy Clock by a fnoring Huiband ! 
•*— But now. Siller, you ihall fee how handfomel}^, being 
» well-bred Man, he will beg my Pardon. 
Enter Sullen. 

Stil, My Head akes confumedly. 

Mrs; Su/. Will you be plcafed, my Dear, to drink T«t 
with us this Morning f it may do your Head good. 

SmI. No. 

Dar. Coffee, Brother F 

Su/. Pihaw! 

Mts. Sui. Will you pleafe to dre&, ax>d go to Churdlt 
with me ? the Air may nelp you. 

6m/. Scrub / 

' Enter Scrub; 

S<ruL Sir! 

SuI. What Day o'th* Week is this ? 

Scrui. Sunday ^ a'n't pleafe your Worfliip. 

SuL Sunday / bring me a Dram ; and d'ye hear, fet 
out the Vehifonpafty, and a Tankard of flrong Beer 
vpon the Hiidl-table, J '11 go to Breakfaft. \Owng. 

Dor. Stay, ftay. Brother, you iha'n't get off fo ; you 
^ere very naught kft Night, and muft make your Wife 
Reparatioh ; Come, come, Srother woq*( you alk Par* 
clon } ' 

Sufi 



The Beaux Siratagem. 19 

Sul, For what ? 

Dor. Potbeing drunk lad Night. 

SuL I call aiFord it, can't I ? 

Mrs. Sui. But I can't. Sir. 

Sui. Then you may let it alone. 

Mrs. SuL But I muft tell you, Sir» that this is not to 
be borne. 

Sui. I'm gkd on't. 

Mrs. 5/i/. what is the Reafon, Sir, that you ufc me 
thus inhumanly i 

Sul. Scrub! 

Scrub, Sir! 

SttL Get things ready to (have my Head. [TTa-//. 

Mrs. Sul, Have a care of coming near his Temples, 
^crub, for fear you meet fomething there that may turn 
the Edge of your Razor [Exit, Scrub.] Inveterate Stupi- 
dity ! Did you ever know fo hard, fo obftinate a Spleen 
as his ? O SirteV. Sifter ! 1 (hall never ha* good of the 
Beaft till I get him to Town ; London, dear LotuioH Is the 
Place for managing and breaking a Hufband. 

Dor, And has not a Hu(band the fame Opportunities 
there for humbling a Wife ? 

Mrs. Sul. No, no, Child, 'tis a ftanding Maxim in 
Conjugal Difcipline that when a Man would enflave his 
Wife, ne hurries her into the Country ; and when a Lady 
would be arbitrary with her Hufband, (he wheedles her 
Booby up to Town— A Man dare not play the Tyrant 
in London, becaufe there are fo many Examples to encou- 
rage the Snbjefl to rebel. O Dorinda, Dorinda ! a fine 
Woman may do any thing in London : f)' my Confcience, 
file may raife ah Army of Forty thoufand Men. 

Dor, I fancy. Sifter, you have a mind to be trying 
your Power that way here in Litchfield ; you have drawn 
the French Count to your Colours already, 

Mrs, Sul, The Frtncb are a People that can't live with- 
out their Gallantries. 

Dor. And fome Englijh that 1 know, Sifler, are not 
av«rfe to fuch Amufements. 

Mrs. Sul. Well, Sifter, fince the Truth muft out, it 

may do as well now as hereafter ; I think, one way to 

roufi? my lethargic, fottiih Hufband,, is to give him a 

Rival ; Security begets Negligence in all People^ and 

Vot.II. M Men 



20 The Beaux Stratagem. 

Men mull be alarm'd to make 'em alert in their Duty: 
Women are like Pidures/ of no value in the Hands of a 
Fool, till he hears Men of Senfe bid high for the Pur- 
chafe. 

Dor, This might do. Siller, if my Brother's Under- 
{landing were to be convinc'd into a Paffion for you ; but, 
I believe, there's a natural Averfion of his Side, and I 
fancy. Sifter, that you don't come much behind him, if 
you dealt fairly. 

Mrs. SuL I own "it; we are -united Contradidions, 
Fire and Water. But I could be contented with a great 
many other Wives, to humour the cenforious Vulgar, 
and give the World an Appearance of living well with 
my Hu/band, could I bring him but to difTemble a little 
Kindnefs to keep me in Countenance. 

Dor, But how do you know, Sifter, but that inftead of 
rpufing your Hufl)and by this Artifice to a counterfeit 
Kindnefs, he fhould awake in a real Fury ? 

Mrs. 8ul. Let him : If I can't entice him to the 

one, 1 would provoke him to the other. 

Dor, But how muft J behave myfelf between ye ? 
'Mrs. Sul, You muft'aflift me. 

Dor. What ! againll my own Brother ? 

Mrs Suh He is but half a Brother, and, I'm your en- 
tire Friend: If I go a Step beyond the Bounds of Ho- 
nour, leave me ; till then, 1 expeil you fhould go along 
with me in every thing ; while 1 truft my Honour in your 
Hands, you may truft your Brother's in mine— — r-Thc 
Count is to dine here to-day. 

Dor, 'lis a ftrange thing, Sifter, that I can't like that 

.: , Mrs. SuL You like nothing, your Time is not come ; 
•;Ij(jve and Death have their Natalities, and ftrike home 
^6ne time or other ;— You'll pay for all one Day, I war- 
rant ye But come, my Lady's Tea is ready, and 'tis 

almoft Church-time. lExeuftt. 

SCENE, Thg Inn. 
Enter Aimwell dre/s*d, and Archer, 
Jtm. And was fhfe the Daughter of the Houfe ? 
Jifcb, The Landlord is fo blind as to think fo ; but I 
. dj^fwcar ibe iias abetter Blood in her Veins. 



#■ 



The Benux Stratagem. ti 

jtim. Why doft think fo ? 

Arch, Becaufe the Baggage has a pert Jene-ffaUqwy^ 
/he reads Plays^ keeps a. Monkey, and is troabled with 
Vapours. 

Aim, By vrhich difcoveries, I gucfs that you know 
more of her. 

Arch. Not yet, 'faith ; the Lady gives hcrfelf Airs, 
forfooth, nothing under a Gentleman. 

Aim. Let. me take her in hand. 

Arch. Say one Word more o'that, and Til declare my- 
fclf, fpoil your Sport there, and every where elfe ; look 
ye, Aim'WfU, every Man in his own Sphere. *" 

Aim. Right, and therefore you mufl pimp for your 
Mafter. 

Arch. In the uf^il^P3ilns, good Sir, after I have ^trv'^ 

myfelf — But to bpr fiufinefs You arc fo well drefs'd, 

^cm^ and make (o handfome a Figure, that I fancy you 
may do Execution in a Country Church ; the exterior 
Part flrikes firft, and you're in the right to make that 
Impreflion favourable. 

Aim. There's fomething in that which may turn to 
Advantage : The Appearance of a flranger in a Country 
Church, draws as many Gazers as a Blazing Star ; no 
fooner he ^comes into the Cathedral, but a Train of 
Whifpers runs buzzing round the Congregation in a Mo- 
ment : — Who is he ? Whence comes he ? Do you know 
him — Then, I, Sir, tips me the Verger Half a Crown ; 
he pockets the Simony, and indudls me into the beft Pew 
in the Church, 1 pull out my SnufF-box, turn myfelf 
round, bow to the Bifhop, or the Dean, if he be the 
commanding Officer ; fingle out a Beauty, rivet both 
my Eyes to nerr, fet my Nofe a bleeding by the Strength 
of Imagination, and Ihew the whole Church my Concern, 
by my endeavouring to hide it : After the Sermon, the 
whole Town gives me to her for a Lover, and by per- 
fuading the Lady that I am a dying for her, the Tables 
are turn'd, and (he in good earned falls in Love with me. 
Arch. There's nothing in this, Tonii without a Prece- 
dent ; but inftead of riveting your Eyes to a Beauty, try 
' to ^)L 'em upon a Fortune ; that's our Bufinefs at prefenr. 
Aim, Pihaw, no Woman can be a Beauty without a 
Fortune.— Let me alone for a Mark's^man, 

M 2 Arch. 



22 fbe Beaux Stratagm. 

Arch, Tom ! 

Aim. Ay !. 

Arch. When were you at Church before, pray ? 

Aim, Um-— I was there at the Coronation. 

Arch, And how can you expedt a Blefliug by going to 
Church now ? 

Aim, Blelfing ? nay. Frank, I a(k but for a Wife ! [Exit. 

Arch. 1 ruly, ihe Man is not very unreafonable m his 
Demands. [Exit at the oppojue Door. 

Enter Boniface and Cherry. 

Bon, Well, Daughter, as the Saying is, have yott 
brought Martin to confefs ? 

Cher, Pray, Father, don't put me upon getting any 
thing out of a Man ; I'm but young, you know. Father, 
and don't underHand Wheedling. ' . 

Bon, Young ! why you Jade, as the Saying is, can any 
Woman wheedle that is not young? Your Mother was 
ufelefs at five and twenty 1 Would you make ^our Mo* 
ther a Whore, and me a Cuckold, as the Saying is ? i 
tell you, his Silence confeiTes it, and his Mailer fpends 
his Money fb freely, and is fo much a Gentleman evpry 
Manner of Way, that he mud be a Highway^man. 
Entfr Gibbet in a Cloak, 

Gib, Landlord, Landlord, is the Coafl clear ? 

Bon. O, Mr, Gibbet, what's the News? 

Gib. No matter, jillc no Quellions, all fair and ho* 

nourable j here, my dear Cherry, [Gi'ves her a Bag,\ 

Two hundred Sterling Pounds, as good as ever hang'd 

or /av*d a Rogue ; lay 'em by with the reft, and here 

Three Wedding-— —or Mourning Rings, 'tis much 

the fame you know Here, two Silver-hilted 

Swords ; I took thofe from Fellows that never flicw any 
Part of their Swords but the Hilts ; Here is a Diamood 
Necklace which the Lady hid in the privateft Place ii| 
the Coach, but I found it out : This Gold Waich I 
took from a Pawnbroker's Wife, it was left in her 
Hands by Per [on of Qfiality, there's the Arms upoji tbo 
Cafe. 

Cher^ But who had you the Money from ? 
- Gib. Ah I poor Woman ! I pitied her ;— From a poof 
Lady juft eloped from her Hufband, Ihe had made up her 
Cargo, and was bound for Ireland, as hard as ihe coul4 

drive I . 



The Beaux Stratagem. ij 

drive ; (he told me of her Hufband's barbarous Ufage^ 
and fo Faith I left her Half a Crown. Bat I had almoft 
forgot, my dear Cherry, 1 have a PrefeDt for you. 

Cher. What is't ? 

Gih. A Pot of Cerufe, my Child, that I took out of a 
Lady's under Petticoat Pocket. 

Cher. What, Mr. Giihet, do you think that I paint f 

Gih. Why, you Jade, your Betters do; Tm fure the 
Lady that 1 took it from nad a Coronet upon her Hand- 
kerchief Here, take my Cloak, and go, fecure the 

^ Premiffcs. 

i Cher, 1 will fecure 'em. [Exiu 

Bon. But heark'e, where*^ Hounjtov) zni Bagjhotf 

Gib. They'll be here to-night. 

Bon. D*ye know of any ot&r Gentlemen o* the Pad on 
this Road ? 

Gib. No. 

Bon. 1 fancy that I have two that lodge in the Houle 
jttft now. 

Gib. The Devil ! how d'ye fmoak 'em f 

Bon. Why, the one is gone to Church. 

Gib. To Church ! That's fufpicious, I muft confefs. 

Bon. And the other is now in his Mafter's Chamber v 
he pretends to be ar Servant to the other, we'll call him 
oat and pump him a little. 

Gib. With all my Heart. 

Bon. Mr. Martin! Mr. Martin f 

Enter Archer combing a Peri^ig^ and fingin^. 
Gib* The Roads are confumed deep, I'm as dirty as 
\ Old Brentford at Chriftmas-^A good pretty Fdlow that ; 

who's Servant are you. Friend ? 
i~ Arch. My Matter's. 
^ Gib Really? 

4" ^rch. Really. 

t Gtb That's much— The Fellow has been at the Bar 
if by his Evafions : — But, pray Sir, what is your Mailer's 
^ Name ? 

Arch. Tall, all, dall ; [Sings and combs the Perinvig."] 
i This is the rooft obftinate Curl ■ ■ ■ 
^ Gib. I aik you his Name ? 
[ M 3 Arch. 



24 ^ 5"^^ Beamc Stratagem. 

Arcb, Name, Sir — Tall, all, dall— I never a(kM bim 
his Name in my Life. Tall, all, dall. 

Bon, What diink you now ? 

Gib, Plain, plain, he ulks now as if he were before a 
Judge: But pray. Friend, which Way does your Maficr 
travel ? 

Arch. A Hoffeback. . 

Gib. Very well again, an old Offender, right — Bat, 
I mean,, does he go upwards or downwards ? 

Arch, Downwards, I fear. Sir! Tall, all. 

Gib, I'm afraid thy Fate will be a contrary way. 

Bon. Ha, ha> ha I Mr, Martin^ you're very arch— - 
This Gentleman is only trarelling towards Chtfter^ and 
would be glad of your Company, that's all— — — Cofne, 
Captain, you'll ftay to-night, I fuppoie ; V\\ ihew yea 
a Chamber — Come, Captain. 

Gibs Farewel, Friend [Exit, 

-4rfA. • Captain, your Servant— —Captain ! a pretty' 
Fellow ! 'odeath, I wonder that the Officers of the Army 
don't confpire to beat all Scoundrels in Red but thcar 
own. 

Enter Cherry. 

Cher, Gone, and Martin here! I hope he did not 
liHen ; I would have the Merit of the Difcovery all nw' 
own, becaufc I would oblige him t;o love me. lA/ide^ 
Mr. Marti/tf who was that Man with my Father ? 

Arch, Some Recruiting Serjeant, or whipp'd out 
Trooper, Ifuppofe. 

Chn- Airs ftfe, I find. [jffije^ 

Arch. Come, my Dear, have you conn'd ovqr the Ca- 
• tcchife I taught you laft Night ? 

C hir Come, queftion me. 

Arch. What is Love ? 

Cher, Love is I know no; what, it comes I know not 
how, and goes I know not when. 

Arch. Very well, an apt Scholar. \Chuch ber uniit 
the Chin."] Where does Love enter ? 

Cher, into tie Eyes. 

Arch, And where go out? 

Cher, I won't tell you. 

Arch. VVhat are the Objeas of that Paflion? 

Chetp Yuuth, Beauty, and clean Linen. 

AKct» 



Tie Beaux Stratagem. 25 

Jrch. The Reafon ? 

Cber, The two firft are fafhionable in Natnre, and the 
third at Court. 

Jrch, That's my Dear: What are the Signs and 
Tokens of that Pa£ion ? 

CJber. A flealing Look, a ftammering Tongue, Words 
improbable, Deiigns impoIBble, and Adlions impradtl* 
cable. 

JrcB. That's my good Child, kifi me. — What muft a 
L'^ver do to obtain his Miftrefs ? 

CJbsr. He muft adore the Peribn that difdains him, he 
muft bribe the Chambermaid that betrays him, and 
court the Footman that laughs at him I He muft, he 

muft 

jfrch. Nay, Child, I muft whip you if yon don't 
mind your LefTon ; he muft treat his 

C^.. O ! ay. He muft treat his Enemies with Refpedt, 
his Friends with Indifference, and all the World with 
Contempt ; he muft fuffer much, and fear more ; he mnft 
defire much, and hope little ; in ihort, he muft embrace 
his Ruin, and throw him fclf away. 

Arch. Had ever Man fo hopeful a Pupil as rtiine f ^— 
Come, my Dear, why is Love call'd a Riddle ? 

Cher, fiecaufe being blind, he leads thofe th7t fee ; 
jind tho' a Child, he governs a Man. 

j^nh. Mighty well And why is Love pidtur'd 

blind ? 

Cher. Becaafe the Painters out of their Weaknefs, or 
Privilege of their Art, chofe to hide thofe Eyes they 
could not draw. 

jfrch. Thai's my dear little Scholar, kifs me again.-— 
And why fhould Love, that's a Child, govern a Man ? 

Cher, Becaufe that a Child is the End of Love. 

Jrch, And {o ends Love's Catechifm — And now, my 
Dear, we'll go in and make my Matter's Bed. 

Cher, Hold, hold, Mr. Martin -You have taken a 

^reat deal of Pains to inftrutl me, and what d'ye think £ 
nave learn'd by it ? 

jfrcb. What ? ^ 

Cher, That your Difcourfe and your Habit are Con- 
tradictions, and it would be Nonfenfe in me to believe 
you a Footman any longer. 
^ , M 4 jfrch. 



2ff The Beattx Stratagem. 

Mrs. Sul So— (he's breeding already — come. Child", 

up with it — hem a little — fo now tell me, don't you 

Hke the Gentleman that we faw at Church juft now ? 

Der, The Man's well enough. 

Mrs. SuL Well enough ! Is he not a Demi-god, a 
NqrcfJJus, a Star, the Man i' the Moon ? 

Dor, O Sifter, Pm extremely ill. 

Mrs. Stt/, Shall I fend to your Mother, Child, for a 
little of her Cephalic Plaifter to put to the. Soles of your 
Feet ? or fhall I fend to the Gentleman for fomething for 

you. Come, unlace your Stays, unbofom yourfelt— 

the Man is perfectly a pretty Fellow, I faw him when he 
iirft came into Church. 

Dor. I faw him too, Sifter, and with an Air that (hone, 
methought, like Rays about his Perfon. 

Mrs. SuL Well faid, up with it. 

Dcr, No forward Coquet Behaviour, no Airs to fet 

him off, no ftudicd Looks, nor artful foftu re, but 

Nature did it all- 
Mrs. SuL Better and better— One Touch more ■ ■ 
come ^ 

Der, But then his Looks did you obferve his Eyes ? 

Mrs. Sul, Yes, yes, I did his Eyes ; well, what 

of his Eyes ? 

Dor. Sprightly, but not wandering; they feem'd ta 

view, but never gaz'd on any Thing but me and thctt 

his Looks fo humble were, and yet fo noble, that they 
aimM to tell me that he could with Pride die at my Feet, 
tho' he fcorn'd Slavery any where elfe. 

Mrs. SuJ. The Phyfic works purely How d'ye find 

yourfelf now, my Dear ? 

^ Dor Hem I much better, my Dear O here come* ■ 

our Mercury/ [^«/^r Scrub.]. Well, Scru^, what New» 

pf the Gentleman ? 

I ^^^i' Madam, I have brought you a whole Packet 

; 7>?j|fcl^ptn it quickly, come. 

ScruH, Jn the ftrft Place I enquired who the Gentleman 
was ? They told mfi he was a $<raneer. Secondij^ I aflc'd 
what tKe Gcntlemaa was ? They anlwcr'd and Jaid, That 
they never faw him before, thirdly ^ I enquired what 
^QUf tr^man he was? They replied, *cwas more than they 
i *• ' knew. 



5 



^be Beaux Slratdgem. 27 

be they what they will— —In the mean while be fitisfied 
that no Difcovery 1 make (hall ever hurt you, but beware 
of my Father — [E^it. 

Ar<h, 80— we're like to have as many Adventures 
in our Inn» as Don !Puixofi had in his— Let me fee^two 
ahoufand Pounds I If the Wench would promife to die 
when the Money were fpent, I-gad, one would marry 
hers but the Fortune may go oft in a Vear or two, and 

the Wife may live Lord knows how long! Then 

an Inn-keeper's Daughter j ay, that's the Devil— there 
tny Pride brings mc off. 

For twhatfoitr the Saga chargi on ?ride^ 
Ibt Angels FaU^ and twenty tanlts hefidi^ 
On Earth, Vmfure, *mong us of mortal Cailingf 
Pridi fa<ves Man oftt aud IVoman too from failing. 

[Exit. 
Ue End tftbi Second kQT. • 

ACT III. 
SCENE, Lady BountifulV Houfe. 

Enter Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda» 
Mrs.^w/.TT A, ha. ha, my dear Sifter, let me embrace 
Xi thee, now we are Friends indeed ; for I 
ihall have a Secret of yours, as a Pledge for nnne— now 
you'll be good for fomeihing, I (h^ll have you convcrfa- 
ble \i\ the Subjcds of the Srx. 

Dor, But do you think that I am fo weak as to fall in 
Love with a Fellow at firft Sight ? 

Mrs. 5W. Plhaw! now you fpoil all, why fhould ik 
we be as free in our Friendfhips as the Men ? I warr 
you the Gentleman has got to his Confident already* 1 
avo»^ed his Paflion, loaHcd your Health, call'd you ten 
thoufand Angels, has run over your Lips, E;jfesj ' 
Shape, Air, and every Thing, in a Dcfcrij 
warms their Mirth to a fecond Enjoyment. 

Dor, Your Hand, Sifter, I a'n't well. 
M 5. 



29 The Beaux Stratagem. 

Mrs. SuL So—ihe's breeding already^^ome, Chll^r 
up wirh it — hem a lictle^o— — now tell me, don't you 
like the Gentleman that we faw at Church juft now ? 

X)»r. The Man's well enough. 

Mrs. SuL Well enough ! Is he not a Demi-god, a 
Narcijfus, a Star, the Man i' the Moon ? 

Dor. O Sifter, I'm extremely ill. 

Mrs. Sui, Shall I fend to your Mother, Child, for a 
little of her Cephalic Plaifter to put to the Soles of your 
Feet ? or (hall I fend to the Gentleman for fomethin^ for 
you.— Come, unlace your Stays, unbo/om jrourfelt— 
the Man is perfedly a pretty Fellow» I faw him when he 
^T^ came into Church. 

Dor. I (aw him too. Sifter, and with an Air that fhone, 
methought, like Rays about his Perfon. 

Mrs. Sul, Well faid, up with it. 

Dur. No forward Coquet Behaviour, no Airs to fet 
him off, no fludied Looks, nor artful foUnre,' but 
Nature did it all-— 

Mrs. Sui, Better and better— One Touch more- ■ i 



come- 



Dor. But then his Looks— did you obfcrve his Eyes f 

Mrs. Sul, Yes, yes, 1 did his Eyes ; well, what 

of his Eyes ? 

Dor, Sprightly, but not wandering; they fecm'd to 

view, but never gaz'd on any Thing but me and then 

his Looks fo humble were, and yet fo noble, that they 
aim'd to tell me that he could with Pride die at my Feet, 
tho' he fcorn'd Slavery any where elfe. 

Mrs. Su/, The Phylic works purely — —How d*yc find 
youri'clf now, my Dear ? 

Dor Hem f much better, my Dear O here comes 

our Mercury ! [Enter Scrub.] Well, Scruht what New* 
r^ pf the Gentleman ? 

' *• 3 %7'i* Madam, I have brought you a whole Packet 

', Z>?j{Pr,Open it quickly, come. 

Scrub. In the ftrll J'lace I enquired who the Gentleman 
was ? They told me he was a $tranger. Secondly^ I aflc'd 
what the Gentleman was ? They anTwcr'd and iaid, That 
they never faw him before. Thirdly^ I enquir'd what 
Coufitryaian he was? They replied^ 'cwas more than they 
I knew. 



The Beaux Stratagem: 29 

knew. Fourthly^ I demanded whence he came ? Their 
i^nfwcr was, they could not tell. An^ Jiftbly, I aik'd 
whither he went? And they replied, they knew nothing 
of the Matter.— And this is all 1 could learn. 

Mrs. Stti. But what do the People fay? Can*t they 
guefs ? 

Scrub. Why fome think he*^ a Spy, fome gaefs be*^ a 
Mountebank, fome fay one Thing, feme another*; but 
for my own part, I believe he's a Jefuit? 

Dor. A Jefuit I Why a Jefuit ? 

Sirub, Becaafe he keeps his Horfes always ready fad- 
died, and his Footman talks Frr^r/^. 

Mrs. Sul, His Footman ! 

Scrub, Ay, he and the Count's Footman were gabber- 
ing French like two intriguing Ducks in a Mill-pond ; 

and I believe they talk'd of me, for they laugh'd 

confumedly. 

Dor. What fort of Livery has the Footman ? 

Scrub, Livery ! Lord, Madam, I took him for a Cap- 
tain, he's fo bedizen'd with Lace, and then he has Tops 
to his Shoes, up to his mid Leg, a filver-headed Cane 
dangling at his Knuckles— -^he carries his Hands in his 
Pockets, and walks juft fo — [Walks in a Frtucb Air,"] and 
has a fine long Periwig tied up in a Bag— Lord, Madam, 
he's clear another fort of Man than I. 

Mrs. SuL That may eafily be but what (hall we ^o 

now, Sifter? 

Dor. 1 have it This Fellow has a World of Sim- 
plicity, and (bme Cunning, the firft hides the latter by 
abundance— Scrub. 

Scrub. Madam. 

Dor. We have a great Mind to know who this Gentle- 
man is, only for our Satisfa£lion. ' ••**- 

Scrub. Yes, Madam, it would be a Satisfa^Uoil, nO 
doubt. 

Dor. Yon muft go and get 
man, and invite him hither to < 
becaufe you're Butler to-day. 

Scrub, Yes, Madam, I am i 

Mrs. Sul. O brave Sifter ! 
derftand the Mathematics air 
the World ; your Mother, 




imBoll^ 
o* i^L 



30 The Beaux Stratagem. 

Charch, my Spoufe uill be got to the Ale-houfe wi:h his 
ScoandieU, and the Houfe will be our own— fo we drop 
in by accident, and a(k the Fellow feme Queflions our- 
felves. In the Country, you know, any Stranger is 
Company, and we're glad to take up with the Butler in 
a Country-dance, and nappy if heMt do us the Favour. 

Scrub. Oh ! Madam, you wrong me; 1 never refus'd 
your Ladyfliip the Favour in my 'Life. 
Enter Gipfy. 

Gip Ladies, Dinner's upon Table. 

Dor. Scrubs we'll excufe your Waiting—Go where 
we order'd yon. 

Scrub. I ihall. 

SCENE, changes to the Inn. 

Enter Aimwell and Archer. 

Jrch, Well, Tom, 1 find you're a Markfman. 

Jim, A Markfman ! who fo blind could bras not dif* 
cern a Swan among the Ravens ? 

Jrcb Well, but heark'e, Aimwell, 

Aim, Aimnuell ! call me Oroondates^ Ce/arioy Amadis^ 
all that Romance can in a Lover paint, and then Til an« 
fwer. O Archery I read her thoufands in her Looks, (he 
looked like Ceres in her Harveft, Corn, Wine and Oil, 
Milk and Honey, Gardens, Groves ^d purling Streams, 
play'd on her plenteous Face. 

Arch, Her Face I her Pocket, you mean : the Com, 
Wine and Oil, lies there. In (hort, ihe has ten thoufaud 
Pound, that's the EngHJh on't.. 

Aim. Her Eyes ■ 

Arch. Are Demi- cannons, to be fure;. fo I won't ftand 
their Battery. [Going. 

Aim. Pray excufe me,, my Paflion muft have vent. 

Arch. Paflion ! what a plague, d'ye think thefe Ro- 
mantic Airs will do our Buiinefs ? Were my Temper as. 
extravagant as yours, my Adventures have fomething. 
more romantic by half* 

Jim, Your AaventuresJ 

Arcl. Yes, 

pit 



Tie Beaux Siralagem. 3 r 

The Njmfb, {bat wth bir fwice ten hundred^ Vounh^ 
With brmzm Engine At/, and ^uoif clear fiarcb^d^- 
Can fire tbe G'neft in voarming of the Be d 

There'* »Tottch of fablime Mdton for yoo, and the Sub- 
' ytdi bat an Inn-keeper's Daughter : 1 can pla;^ with a 
Girl as an Angler doei with his Fi(h ; he keeps it at the 
end of his Line, rans it up the Stream, and down the 
Stream, till at laH, he brings it to hand, tickles the 
Trout, and ib whips it int) his Bafket. 
Enter Boniface. 

Bon, Mr. Martin^ as tbe faying is — yonder's an horjcft 
Fellow below, my Lady BountifuTs Butler, who begs the 
Honour that you. would go home wiih him and fee his 
Cellar. 

Arcb. Do my Bat/emains to the Gentleman, and tell 
him I win do myfel^the Honour to wait on him imme-- 
dia^ely, as the faying is. 

Bott, I (hall do your Worship's Commands, as the fav- 
l^g is. [Exiff boiuing oh/equiou^^. 

Aim. What do I bear ? foft Orpheus piay» and fair 
Teftido fine? 

\Areb. Pmaw ! Damn your Raptures ; I tell you here's 
a Pump l^oing to be put into the VeiTel, and the Ship 
will get- mto Harbour, my Life on't. You fay, there's 
another Lady very handfome there.. 

jfim* Yes, faith. 

jfrcb. I'm in Love with her already. 

Aim. Can't you give me a Bill, upon Cherry in the mean 
time. 

Arcb. No, no, Friend, all her Corn, Wine, and Oil, 

i$ ingrofs'd in my Market -A«d once more I warn 

you, to keep your Anchorage clear of mine ; for if you 
fall foul on me, by this Light, you (hall go to the bot- 
tom.-—; — What f make Prize of my little Frigate, while 
J am upon the Cruife for you. [^Exit* 

Enter Boniface. 

Aim. Well, well, I won't-— Landlord ; hav^ you any 
tolerable Company in the Houfe ? I don*t care for dining 
alon^. 

Bon, Yes, Sir, there's a Captain below,, as the faying 
% that arrived about an.Hour ago, 

m4i 



J 2 '^he Beaux Stratagem. 

Aim, Gentlemen of his Coat are welcome every 
where ; will you make him a Compliment from me, and 
tell him I fhould be glad of his Company ? 

Bon. Who fhall I tell him, Sir^ would 

Jim^ Ha t that Stroke was well thrown in — I'm only 
a Traveller, like himielf, and would be glad of his 
Company, that's alL 

Bon, 1 obey your Commands, as the faying is. [Exit. 
Enter Archer. 

Arch. 'Sdeath \ I had forgot ; what Title will you give 
yourfelf ? 

Aim. My Brother's, to be fure : he would never give 
me any thing t'S^^ fo I'll make bold with his Honour 
this bout you know the reft of your Cue. 

Arch. Ay, ay. [Exit. 

Enter Gibbet. 

Gih. Sir, Tm yours. 

Aim. 'Tis more than I deferve. Sir, for I don't know 
you. 

Gib. I don't wonder at that, Sir, for you never faw me 
before 1 hope, [Afide. 

Aim, And pray. Sir, how came I by the Honour of 
feeing you now I 

Gih. Sir, I fcorn to intrude upon any Gentleman——^ 
but my Landlord — i 

Aim. Or Sir, I afk you're pardon, you're the Captaia 
he told me of. 

Gih. At your Service, Sir. 

Aim, What Regiment ? may I be fo bold ? 

Gih. A marching Regiment, Sir, an old Corpi. 

Aim. Very old,, if your Coat be Regimental. [AJide.\ 
You have ferv'd abroad, Sir ? 

Gib. Yes, Sir, in the Plantations,, 'was my Lot to be 
fent into, the worft Service ; I would have quitted it in- 
deed, but a Man of Honour, you know— — Bcfides, 
twas for the good of my Country that 1 fhould be abroad 

—Any thing for the good of one's Country— I'm a 

Roman for that. 

Aim. One of fhe firft, I'll lajr my Life \AJiiie.'\ Voa 
found the Wefi'-Inditi very hot, Sir, 

Gib. Ay, Sir, too hot for me. 

Jim. 



The S^aux S^trafagm. 3^3 

J!m: Fray, Sir, ha'n't I feen ^our Face at PTilN QoU 
fee-hoafe ? 

Gi6, Yes, Sir, and at WhUeh too. 

Jim, And where is your Company now. Captain I. 

Gib. They a'n'tcome yet. 

jiim. Why, d'ye expeft 'cm here ? 

Gib. They'll b^ here to-night. Sir. 

Jim, Which way do they march ? 

Gib, A-crofs the Country — The Devil's in't, if I hant 
feid enough to encourage him to declare — but I'm afraid 
he's not right, I mud tack about. \j4Jide. 

Jim, Is your Company to Quarter at LitchfiiU? 

Gib, In this Houfe, Sir. 

Jim. What! all? 

Gib, My Company's but thin, ha, ha, ha, we are but 
three, ha, ha,, ha. 

Jim, You're merry ,^ Sir. 

Gib, Ay, Sir, you muft excufe me, Sir, I underfland 
t^e World, efpecially the Art of Travelling : I don't 
care. Sir, for anfwering Queftions dircdlly upon the Roa^ 
—for I generally ride with a Charge about me. 

Jim, Three or four, I believe. [Jfi^e,. 

Gib, I am credibly inform'd that there are Highway- 
meti upon this Quarter ; not, Sir, that I could fufpeft a^ 
Gentlemen of your Figure- — But truly. Sir, I have got 
fuch a way of Evafion upon the Road, that I don't care 
for fpcaking Truth to any Man. 

Jim,. Your Caution may be ncceffary— Then I prefumfr 
yonVe no Captain^ 

6ib, Not I, Sir ; Captain is a* good travelling Name,. 
and fo I take it ; it flops a great many fooliih Inquiries- 
that are generally made about Gentlemen that travel; 
it gives a Man^ an Air of fomeihing^ and makes the 
Drawers obedientT-And thus far I am a Captain, and no- 
iarther. 

Jim. And pray. Sir, what is your true Profeffion ? 

Gib. O, Sir, you muft excufe me— upon my Word^ 
Sir, I don't think it fafe to tell ye. 

Jim, Ha, ha, ha^ upon my word, I commend you. 
Etuer Boniface. 
WeU, Mr. *J?fl»/^iCf, what's the News ? 

&n» ThereV anoiher Gendentaa bA(m, as the faying 
' is* 



^ fh Reaux Stratagem. 

is, that hearing you were but two, would be glad to 
make the third Man, if you*d give him leave. 

Jim, What is he ? 

Bon* A Clergyman, as the Saying is. 

Jim A Clergyman ! is he really a Clergyman ? or is 
it only his travelling Name, as my. Friend the Captain 
has it ? 

Bon, O, Sir, he^s a Pried, and Chaplain to the French 
Officers in Town. 

Jim 1 s he a Frenchman ? 

Bon, Yes, Sir, born at EruJJels, 

Gib, A Frenchman, and a Prieft ! I won't be fcen in 
his Company, Sir ; 1 have a Value for my Reputation, 
Sr.— 

Aim. Nay, but Captain, fince we are by ourfelves— 
Can he fpeak EngU/B^ Landlord ?" 

Bon, Very well. Sir ; you may know him, as the Say- 
ing is, to be a Foreigner by his Accent, and that*s all. 

Jim* Then he has been in England before ? 

Ban^ Never, Sir; but he's a Matter of Languages, as 
the Saying is ; he talks Latin^ it does me good to hear 
bim talk Latin, 

Jim, Then you.underftand Latin. Mr. Boniface, 

Bon, Not I, Sir,, as the Saying is ; bjut. he talks it fi) 
very faft, that Tm fure it mull be good. 

Jim. Pray, deiire him to walk up. 

Bon, Here he is, as the Spying is. 
Enter Foigard. 

Foig. Save you, Gentlemens bote. 
- Jim, A Frenchman ! Sir, your mod humble Servant. 

Foig, Och, dear Joy,, I am your moft faithful Shcr- 
vant, and yours alfho. 

Gib, Doflor, yon talk very goodEf^IiJi, but you have 
a mighty Twang of the Foreigner. 

Foig, My Englijb is very well for the vords, but we 
Foreigners, you know, cannot bring our Tongues about 
(}ie Pronunciation fo.foon. 

Jim, A Foreigner I a downright Teague, by thii 
Light. {^Ajideil ^ ere you born in France^ Doilor ? 

Foig* I was educated in France, but I was borned t 
Brufels : I am a Subjeft of the King of Sfain^ ioy\ 

Gfb. What Kinj^ of Sfaifg, Sir ? ijpeak.. 

Fcig,. 



Tbs Beaux Stratageml 35 

Foig. Upon my Ghool, Joy, ! cannot tell you as yet. 

^im. Nay, Captain, that was too hard apon the Doc- 
tor, he's a Straneer. 

Fogg. O let him alone, dear Joy, I am of a Nation 
>.that is not eaitly pat out of Countenance. 

jfJm. Come, Gentlemen, I'll end the Difputc— — — 
iiere. Landlord, is Dinner ready ? 

£om. Upon the Table, as the Saying is. 

jft'm. Gentlemen— pray — that Door, ■ 

Foig. No, no, fait, the Captain mull lead. 

jiim. No, Dodlor, the Church is our Guide. 

Gih Ay, ay, fo it is ■ 

[Exit/oremofi, they follow. 

^ C £ N £ changes to a Gallery in Lady Bountiful'/ Hou/e. 
Enter Archer and Scrub Jinging^ and hugging one another ; 

Scrub <witb a tankard in his Hand^ Gipfey lijfning at 

a diftance, 

S<ruh, Tal, all, Dall— Come, my dear Boy— —let us 
have that Song once more. 

Jrch. No, no, we (hall difturb the Family : — But will 
yoja be fure to keep the Secret ? 
: Scrub, Pho ! upon my Honour, as I'm a Gentleman. 

jlrch, Tis enough— —You muft know then, that my 
Mailer is the Lord Vifcount Aimwell ; he fought a Duel 
t'other Day in London^ wounded his Man fo dangeroufly, 
that he thinks fit to withdraw till he hears whether the 
Gentleman's Wounds be mortal or not : He never was in 
this part of England before, fo he chofe to retire to this 
I'lace, that's all. 

Gip, And that's enough for me. [Exit. 

Scrub. And where were you when your M^fler fought I 

Jrcb, We never know of our Mailers Quarrels. 

^crub. No! if our Mailers in the Country here receive 
a Challenge, the iiril Thing they do, is to tell their 
Wives ; tne Wife tells the Servants, the Servants alarm 
the Tenants, and in half an Hour, you (hall have the 
whole Country up in Arms. 

Jrch, To hinder t^o Men from doing what they have 
no mind for — But if you (hould chance to talk now of 
this Bufin'efs ? 

S^rub. Talk ! ah, Sir, had I no( learn'd the knack c^ 

- hoIding^ 



$6 ^be Beaux Strasagim. 

holding my Tongue, I had never Iiv*d fo long in a great 
Family. 

JrcL Ay, ay, to be fure, there are Secrets in all Fa- 
milies, "t 

Scvu6. Secrets, O Lad I but I'll (ay no more — - 

Come, fit down, we'll make an end of our Tankard : 
Here 

JrcL With all my Heart ; who knbws but you and I 

may come to be better acquainted, eh Here's 

your Ladies Health ; you have three, I think, and to be 
liire there mull be Secrets among 'em. 

Scrui;, Secrets ! Ah I Friend, Friend, I wift I had a 
Friend. 

Jrcb, Am not I your Friend? ComCi you and I wilt 
be fworn Brothers. 

Scru^. Shall we ? 

JrcJi>, From this Minute — ^Give me a Kifs — And now. 
Brother Scrul^* 

Scruif, And now. Brother Margin, I will tell you a Se- 
cret that wiil make your Hair iland an end : — Yoo nuft 
know^ that I am confunied4y in Love. 

Jrch. That's a terrible Secret, that's the truth on't» ^ 

Scrubs That Jade, Gip/ty^ that was »ith asjuil now in 
the Cellar, is the arranteft Whore that ever wore a Petti- 
coat, and I'm dying for Love of her. 

Jrtb^, Ha, ha, ha-^— Are yoa in Love with her Perfon, 
or her Virtue, Brother Scrub ? 

Scrub, I (hould like Virtue bed, ^becanfe it is more 
odarable than Beauty ; for Virtue holds good with fome 
Women long, and many a Day after they have loft it. . 

Jrch. In the Country, I grant ye, where no Woman*^8 
Virtue is 16(1, till a Baftard be found. 

Scrub. Ay, could I bring her to a Baftard, I (hould 
have her all tomyfelf ; but I dare not put it upon that 
Lay, for fear of being lent for a Soldier — Pray, Brother, 
kow do you Gentlemen in London like that fame Preiling- 

Jrch. Very ill. Brother 5cr»3: *Tis the worft that 

ever was made for us : — Formerly I remember the good 
Days when we could dun our Matters for our Wagef, 
and if they refufed to pay us, we could have a Warrant 
to carry 'cm before a Jullice ,* bat now if we talk of eat- 



The Beaux Stratagem, 37 

Hig, they have a Warrant for as, and carry us before 
three Juftices. 

Scrub, And to be fare we go^ if we talk of eating ; for 
the Juflices won't give their own Servants a bad Exam- 
ple. Now this ift my Misfortune 1 dare not fpeak in 

the Hoafe, while that Jade> Gip/ey, dings about like a 
Fury — Once I had the better end of the Staff. 

jtrcb. And how comes the Change now ? 

Scrub. Why, the Mother of all this Mlfchief is a 
Pricll. 

Jrcb. A Prieft ! 

&crttb. A]^f a damn'd Son of a Whore of BaMon^ that 
came over hither to fay Grace to the French Officers, and 

eat up our Provifions There*s not a day goes over bis 

jHead witboat a Dinner or Suj>per in this Houfe. 

Arch. How came he fo familiar in the Family ? 

Scrub. Becaufe he fpeak s Englijb as if he had Hv'd 
here all his Life, and tells Lies as if he had been a Tra- 
veller from his Cradle. 

Jrcb^ And this Prieft, Tm afraid, has converted the 
Affedlions of your Giffty. 

Scrub, Converted I av, and perverted, my dear Friend 
—For, Pm afraid, he has made her a Whore and a Pa- 
. pift— —But this is not all ; there's the French Count and 
Mrs. Sullen^ they're in the Confederacy, and for fome 
private Ends of their own too, to be fare. 

Jircb, A very hopeful Family yours. Brother Scrub ;. 
I fnppofe the Maiden Lady has her Lover too. 

Scrub. Not that I know — She's the, bell on 'em, that's 
the Truth on't : But they take care to prevent my Curio- 
fity, by giving me fo much Bufmefs,. that Tm a perfeft 
Slave-— What d'ye think is my Place in this Family ? 

Jrch. Butler, I fuppofe. 

Scru^. Ah, Lord help you— .Fll tell you — Of a Mon-^ 
day I drive the Coach, of a Tuefday. 1 drive the Plough, 
on H^edne/day 1 follow the Hounds, a Tburjday I dun the 
Tenants, on Friday I go to Market, on Saturday 1 draw 
Warrants, and a Sunday I draw Beer. 

Jrcb. Ha, ha, ha 1 if Variety be a Pleafure in Life, 
you have enough on*t, my dear Brother — But what Ladies 
are thofe ? 

Scrui. Ours, ours ) that upon the Right-hand is Mrs. 
^ Sulkn^. 



38 The Beaux Sirafagem. 

Sttlkfty and the other Mrs. Dori/iiia''''-^Don*t miijd 'cm, 

fuftill, Man 

Enter Mrs, Sullen and Dorinda. 

Mrs. SuL I have heard my Brother talk of *my Lord 
jfimwell, but they fay that his Brother is the finer Gts^ 
tleman. 

Dor, That's impoffible, Sifter, 

Mrs, SuL He's vaftly rich, and very clofe they fay. 

Dor, No matter tor that ; if I can creep into hi 
Heart, I'll open his Bread, I warrant him : 1 have heard 
fay, that. People may be guefs'd at by the Behaviour oi 
their Servants ; I could wiih we might talk to that Pel 
low. 

Mrs. SuL So do r ; for I think he*s a very pretty Fef- 

low : Come this Way, I'll throw out a Lure for hiir 

prefently. 

\Tbey ixjalk a Turn towards the oppofite Sideioftbe Stage 
Stagt. Mrs^ Sullen drops her Fan, Archer runs, take 
it upt and gi<ves it to Jber.'} 

jfrch. Corn, Wmc, and Oil, indeed — But, I think 
the Wife has the greateft Plenty of Flefh and Blood ; fh 

ihould be my Choice— Ay, ay, fay you fo — Madam 

Yoor Ladyfhip's Fan. 

Mrs. SuL O Sir, I thank you— —What a haiidfom 
Bow the Fellow made ! 

Dcr, Bow ! Why I have known feveral Footmen com 
down from London fet up here for Dancing- maders, an 
carnr off the beft Fortunes in the Country. 

Arck [/^Jide.'} That Projeft, for ought I know, ba 
been better than ours—Brother Scrui, why don't yo 
introduce me ? 

Scrub. Ladies, this is the ftrange Gentleman's Sei 
vant that you faw at Church to-day ; 1 underftood h 
came from London, and fo I invited him to the Cellai 
that he might (hew me the newefl Flourifh in whettin; 
my Knives. 

Dor, And I hope you have made much of him ? 

Jrcb, O yes. Madam, but the Strength of your Lady 
ihip's Liquor is a little too po.enc for the Conftitotion c 
your humble Servant. 

Mrs. SuL What, then you don't ufually drink Ale. 

^rcb. No, Madam, my conftant Drink is Tea, or 

Htt] 



7i^ Beauie Siratagem. 3^ 

Ittic Wine and Water; 'tis prefcribed rac by the Thyfu 
Jan for a Remedy againil the Spleen. 

Scrub,, Of la ! O, la !— A Footman have the Spleen- 
Mrs. SuL I thought that Diiiemper had been only pro- 
ler tp People of Quality. 

Jrcb. Madam, like all other Fafliions it wears out, 
nd fo defcends to their Servants ; tho' in a great many 
f us» 1 believe, it proceeds from fome melancholy Par- 
icles in the Blood, occaiioned by the Stagnation of 
Vages. 

Dor. How affededly the Fellow talks— How long, pray, 
ave you ferv'd your prefent Mailer ? 

jirch^ Not long ; my Lifie has been moftlv fpent in the 
lervice of the Ladies. 

JMrs. SuL And pray, which Service do you like bed ? 

Jrcb, Madam, the Ladies pay beft; the Honour of 
erving them is fufficieot Wages ; there is a Charm in 
heir Looks that delivers a Pleafure with their Commands, 
nd gives our Duty the VVings of Inclination. 

Mrs. Sul. That Flight' was above the Pitch of a Li- 
ery ; and, Sir, would not you be fatisfied to ferve a 
^ady again ? 

Arch, As Groom of the Chambers, Madam, but not 
is a Footman. , 

Mrs. Sui, I fuppofe you ferv'd-as a Footman before ? 

jfrcb. For that Reafon 1 would not ferve in that Poft 
igain ; for my Memory is too weai: for the Load of Mef. 
^ges that the Ladies lay upon their Servants in London : 
My Lady Honufye, the hit Millrcfs I ferv'd, callM me 
op one Morning, and told me, Martin^ go to my Lad^ 
dihijgbt with my humble Service ; tell her I was to wait 
on her Lad^fhip yellerday, and ieft Word with Mrs. R(* 
Wca^ that fhe Preliminaries of the Affair fhe knows of, 
ire ilopt *till we know the Concurrence of the Perfon 
hat I know of, for which there are Circumftances want- 
ng which we fhall accomm 'date at the old Place; but 
hat in the mean time there is a Perfon about her Lady- 
hip, thajfrom feveral Hints and Surmifes, was acceffary 
t a certain Time to the Difappointtnents that naturally 
ttend Things, that to her Knowledge are of no mora 
mpertance ■ _« 

. Mrs. 



40 ^e Beauit Stralagm. 

r. // , I pj^^ ^^^ where are you ^oing, Sir? 

Arch. Why, I ha'n't half done. ^The whole How- 

d'ye was about Half-an-houf long ; fo happen'd to mif- 
place two Syllables, and was turn'd off, and rendered in- 
capable 

Dor, The pleafanteft Fellow, Sifter, I ever fa w. — 

But, Friend, if yoor Matter be married— —I prefume 
you ftill ferve a Lady. 

Jrch, No, Madam, I take care never to come into a 
married Family ; the Commands of the Mafter and Mif- 
trefs are always fo contrary, that 'tis impoffible to plcafc 
both. 

Dor. There's a main Point gain'd.— — My Lord is not 
married, 1 find. [Afide* 

Mrs. SuL But I wonder, Friend, that in fo man/ 
good Services, you had not a better Provifion made for 
you. 

Jrch, I don't know how, Madam.— I had a Lieute- 
nancy offered me three or four times ; but that is not 
Bread, Madam — I live much better as I do. I 

Scrub. Madam, he fings rarely— I was thought todo^ 
pretty well here in the Country till he came ; but, alack-' 
a-day, Fm nothing to my Brother Martin, I 

Dor, Does he I Pray, Sir, will you oblige us with a ' 
Song ? 

Jrch. Are you for Paflion or Humour ? 

Scrub, O, la I He has the pureft BallaSi about a 
Trifle 

Mrs. Su/. A Trifle ! Pray, Sir, let's have it. 

jfrcb, I'm afham'd to offer you a Trifle, Madam : But 

iince you command me 

[Shgs to the Tune of Sir SimOn the Kingi^ 

A Trifling Song you Jball hear^ 
Begun ivith a Trtfie and ended ^ &c. 

Mrs. SuL Very well, Sir, we're obligM to you — — ^ 
Something for a Pair of Gloves. [Pff^^^^g ^i^ Monejl 

Arch. 1 humbly beg leave to be excufed : My MafteiVj 
Madam, pays me ; nor dare I take Money from anf 
Other Hand, without injuring his Honouri and difobey- 
liis Commands* [Exiu 

D^r. 



Tbi Beaux Stralagem. 41 . 

tr. This is furpriiing : Did you ever fee (b pretty a 

bred Fellow ? 

rs^ SuL The Devil take him for wearing that Li- 

»r. I fancy. Sifter, he may be feme Gentlemao, a 
id of my Lord*s, that his Lordihip has pitched upon 
lis Courage, Fidelity, and Discretion, to bear him 
pany in this Drefs, and, who, ten to one was his Se- 

rs. Sul. It is fo, it moft be fo, and it ihall be fo— -^ 

[ like him. 

?r. What ! belter than the Count ? 

rs. SttL The Count happen'd to be the moft agree- 

Man upon the Place; and fo I chofe him to lerve 

a my De(ign upon my Hufband — But 1 ihould like 

Fellow better in a Defign upon myfelf. 

9r. But now, Sifter, for an Interview with this Lord» 

this Gentleman ; how (hall we bring that about ? 

rs. SuL Patience ! you Country Ladies give . no 

ter, if once you be enter'd Would you prevent 

Deftres, and give the Je' lows no wilhing time. 

c'e, Dorittda, u my Lord Aimnjuell loves you or de- 
s you, he'il find a Way to fee you, and there we 

leave ic. — My fi*jfine& comes now upon the Tapis 
ave you prepared your Brother ? 
7r. Yes, yes. 

rs. Sul, And how did he relifli it ? 
7r. He faid little, mumbled fomething to himfelf, 
promis'd to be guided by me : But here he comes.--* 

Enter Sullen. 
tL What finging was that I heard juft now ? 
rs. ShL The Singing in your Head, my Dear, yott 
5lain'd of it all Day. 
'/. Vou*re impertinent, 
rs^ SuL I was ever fo, fince 1 became one FIcfli with 

/. One Flefh 1 rather two CarcafTes join*d unnatu- 

together. 

rs. SuL Or rather a living Soul coupled to a dead 

?r. So, this is fine Encouragement for mef 
/. Yes, my Wife ihews you what you mull do ! 

Mrs* 



4^ 7be Beaux Stratagem. 

Mrs. SuL And my Hu/band (hews you what yoa i 
foffer. 

Sul. 'Sdeath, why can't yoa be filcnt ? 

Mrs. SuL 'Sdeath, why can't you talk > 

SuJ, Do you talk to any purpoie f 

Mrs. SuL Do you think to any purpoie ? 

SuL Sifter, heark'e— [^-^//j^/r/.J 1 (han't be home 
it be late, 

Mrs. Sul, What did he whifper to ye ? 

Dor. That he would go round the back-way, cc 

into the Clofet, and lillen as I diredled him. Bui 

me beg once more, dear Sifter, to drop this Projed ; 
as I told you before, inftead of awaking him to Kindn 
yott may provoke him to Rage ; an^ then who km 
how far his Brutality may carry him ? 

Mrs. Sul. I'm provided to receive him, I warrant y 
But here comes the Count, vanifti. [Exit Doriii 

* Enter Count BeJlair, 
Den^tyoM'wonder, Monfieur le Count, that I was no 
Church this /fterMon ? 

Count. J more nuonder^ Madam, that you go den at 
or how you dare lift tho/e Eyes to Hea*ven thai are gi 
of fo much killing. 

Mrs. Sul. If Heavetf Sir. Bas ^*ven t§ my Eyes, i 
the Power of kil ing^ the Vir. u$ •/ making a Cure, 1 t 
the one may a Hone for the other. 

Count. O largely y Madam^ ivould your Ladyjhip h 
ready to apply the Remedy^ at to gi*ve the Wound^Con/i 
Madam, 1 am doubly a Prifoner ; firft to the Arms of j 
General, then to your more conquering Eyes ; my firft Chi 
are eajy, there a Ranfom may redeem me, but from your 2 
ters I never Jhall get free, 

Mrs. Sul. Alasy Sir! Why Jhould you complain torn 
your Capii'vity, nxiho am in Chains my/elf? Tou knotjj, > 
that I am hound, nay, muft he tied up in that Partia 



• This Scene printed in Italic, with the entire ^ar 
the Count, was cut out by the Author after the firft Nig 
Reprefentation ; and where he ftiould enter in the 
Scene of the fifth A^, it is added to the Part of Foigm 



Tlbe Beaux Stratagem. 43 

that might give you Enfe : I am like jqu, a Pri/omr ef 
Wor—^ — of Ht'ar^ indeed-^l ba*ve ginj u tny Harole of Ho- 
ncur ; ivouldyau break yokr*s to g^iu your Liberty ? 

Count. Mefl certainly I iv'ju!dy iverf la Pri/j/rcr amons^ 
the Tu/ks,; eUi is your Cafe^ you re a S.aiy, il/^fiW^, ^/ave 
to the nvorfi o^ Turks ; a tiufhand* 

Mrs, ^\x\. Tbe¥t Un my icib/e, I ccnfr/s ; nt^ Fortifra-' 
tions^ no Courage^ Conduit non Vigiiu'Cy^ can jieteinl la 
Jefend a Place^ ijubire the Crue'ty of the O^v^'tior faticcs //.'•? 
Garrifon to Mutiny. 

Count, Jnd'Vihere de Fefeger is rz/i V<^ to die before <iV 

Place Here nfoill I fix \ [tvpaels.j n^'ilh Tears^ /oti/, 

and Prayers y affau t y ur He^rtt <uid >f^vcr tife till yen j'u}- 
render ; or if Tmufi Jlorm^-l^ove ^»d St, MSclyAcl-r- /^d J'i 

I begin the Attack 

Mn. Sul Stand off ^'^Bune he hears mt not — And 1 c(,uld 
nlmofi 'wijh'—he did not — the Fellcnju mcUes l.oue %:c>y pt^s- 
tily. [Afide.] ^a/.. Sir^ <why Jhould yaa put Ju^ch a t'uluc 
-upon my Per/on^ ^hen ym fee it d^ps^d by one that kno ivs 
itfo much better ? 

Count. He knows it npt^ tho he poffeffhs it i if he hut 

hteiM) the Value of the Jenvel he is mafler of^ he iA:ould al^ 

tvays nAjear it next his Hearty andfleep <with it in his Jrws, 

mrs^ Sul. But Jtnce he throws me unregarded from 

him, ■ 

^ Count. And one that knowos your Valm isfell, comes by 

etnd takes you uf, is it not Jujiice? 
\ [Goes to lay hold of her. 

r Enter Sullen with his Sword drawn. 

Sul. Hold, Villain, hold. 
\ Mrs. 5ul. [Preienting a Pillol] Do you hold? 

i ; Sul. What ! Murder your Hyfbqnd, to defndydur Bully? 
.; Mrs, Sul. Bully ! For Jhame, Mr Sullen, BuUies --wear 

t\ Jong Snvords, the Gentleman has none ; ht^s a Fr'ifiner^ yc^ 
''• knotu — I <was aiuare of your Outrage , and prep^r'*d this to 
, 1 recei'Ve yaur Violence ; and, if Od afton 'ware, to pr,efer^e 

\ myfelf again ft the Forxe of this at her Gentleman 
f . Coune. Madam, your Eyes be better Fire-arms than 

s ycur Pifiol, they never mifs. 
ft Sul. PVhat ! court my H'ife to my Face! 

Mrs. Sul. Prcff^ Mr. Suliei?, fut ut%^/t^pen4 your Furji 
for a Minute. 

VoL.IL N S' 



44 7^^ Beaux Stratagem. 

Sul. To gi<ve time to invent an Excufe. 

Mrs,S\x\, 1 need none, 

Sul. A^o, for I heard every Syllable of your Difcourfe. 

Count. Ah ! And begar^ I tink de Dialogue was vtrj 
pretty, 

Mrs. Sul. Then, I/uppo/e, Sir, you beard fomething of 
your oivn Barbarity ? 

Sul. Barbarity / Oonj ivhat does the Woman call Barba- 
rity ? Do I ever meddle ivith ycu ^ 

Mrs. Sul. No, 

Sul. Ai for you^ Sir, 1 Jhall take another time. 

Count. Ahj hegar, fo mufi /. 

Sul. Look!e, Madam ^ don't think that my Anger proceeds 
from any Concern I have for your Honour, hut for my onvn ; 
and if you can contrive any vuay of being a Whore voithout 
making me a Cuckold, do it and voelcome. 

Mrs. Sul. Sir, 1 thank you kindly, you nvould allovu me 
the Sin, but rob me of the Pleafure — No, nof Pm refolv*d 
nevir to venture upon the Crime, vuithout the SatisfaQion of 
feeing you funijh'd for't, 

Sul. Then vuill you grant me this, my Dear ? Let attf 
Body elfe do you the Favour but that Frenchman, for I mor^ 
tally hate his vohote Generation, [Exit. 

Count. Ah, Sir^jhat be urgrateful, for, begar, I love 
f(;fme of yours ; Madam*-^ [Approaching her. 

Mrs, Sul. No, Sir 

Count, No, Sir! Garxoon, Madam, I dm not your 

H'jjband, 

Mrs. Sul. 'T/j time to undeceive you. Sir ; 7 helie*v*d 

your Addreffes to me nuere no more than an Amufement, and 
I hope you vjill think the fame of my Complaifance ; and to 
convince you that you ought, you mufi knovj, that I brought 
you hither only to make you infirumtntal in fetting me right 
vjith my Hujhand, for he nvas planted to liJIoM by my /tp» 
pointment. 

Count. By your Appointment f 
Mrs. Sul. Certainly ! 

Count. And fo, Madam^ nvhile I ivae telling twenty 
Stories to part you from yotir Hujband, begat ^ 1 vaat bring" 
ingyou togetheY all the vuhile 

Mrs. Sul. / rf/k your Pardon, Sir, but f hope this will 
give you a Tafle of the Virtue of the Englifh LiMes. " 

1 Count. 



Tbe Beaux Stratagem. 4 5 

Count. Begar, Madam, your Virtue ie vera great, hut 
Carzeofif jour HoneJIj be nfera little^ 
£Dter Dorinda, 

Mrs, Sal. Nty, nonvyoure angry. Sir, 
* Count, jin^ry / Fair Dorinda [Sings Fair Dorinda the 
Opera Tune, and addrefTes to Dorinda.'] Madam, ivhen 
four Lady/hip fwants a Fool, /end fir «/, *' Fair Dorinda 
Revenge^', ^c. [Exit. 

Mrs. Sul. Tifere goes the true Humour of his 'Nation, 
Refentment ivitb good Manners, and tbe height of Anger in 

a Song fVetl, Sifitr, you muft he Judge, for you ha*ve 

beard the Trial. 

Dor. And I bring in my Brother guilty. 

Mrs. Sul. But 1 muft bear the Punijbmcnt — 'TV/ hard^ 
Sifer. 

Dor. I own it^butyou muft have Patience. 

Mrs, Sul. PMence I The Cant of Cuflom-^Providence 
fends no Evil vcithout a Remedy ' J hmld I lie groaning 

under a Take I can fljake off, I voere acctffary to my Ruin, 
and my -Patience nvete no better than Sef-murder, 

Dor. But how can you Jhake off the Toke Tiur 

Dtvifions dont come vjitbin the Reach of the Lavt, for a Di* 
vorce. 

Mrs. Sul. Law ! What Latv can fearch into the remote 
Abyfs of Nature, nvhat Evidence can prove the unaccount^ 
able DifaffeSlions of Wedlock P-^an a Jury fum up the end- 
lefs Aver/ions that are rooted in our Souls, or can a Bench 
give Judgment upon Antipathies ? 

Dor. 'I hey never pretended. Sifter ; they never meddle, 
hut in cafe of XJncleaunefs. 

Mrs. Sul. Uncleannefs / O Sifter ! Cafual Violation is a 
tranfient Injury, and may pojjibh be repaired, but can radi- 
cal Hatreds be ever reconcird? — No, no. Sifter, Nature is 
the firft Lavjgiver^ and vjhen Jhe has fet Tempers ifpofite, 
not all the goUen Links of Wedlock-, nor Iron Manacies of 
Law can keep 'emfafi. 

Wedlock we own ordain'd by Heaven's Decree, 
But fttch as Heaven ordain'd ii firfi: to be.; 
Concnrring Tempers in the Man and Wifet 
As mutual H«lps to draw the* Load of Life. 

N a ■ View 



jfi Tbi Beaux Strdtagtm. 

View all the Work6 of Providence above^ 
The Stars with Harmony and Concord mOve ; 
View all the Works of Providence below, 
The Fire, the Water, Earth and Air we know, 
. ^11 in one Plant agree eo make it grow. 
MuR Man, the chieftil Work pf Ajt Divine,. 
Bo doom'd in endlefs Difcord to repine ? 
No, we fhouid injure Heaven by that Siiriflife, 
Omnipotence is jail, were Man but wife. 

th€ End of the Uird A C t. 

ACT IV. 
SCENE continues. 

Enter Mrs, Sullen. 
'Mrs.Sul.ytTEKE I born an humbJc TVrri, y 
W Women have no Soul nor PrO] 
there I muA fit contented'^ — £ut in. E/tgJatid^ a Co 
whofe Women are its Glory, mull Women be ab 
Where Women rule, muik Women be enflav'd f 
cheated into Slavery ? mock'd by a Promife of con 
iU>le Society into a Wildernefs of SoHinde ?— I dai 
keep the Thought about me-«-0 ! here comes iOmc 
to divert me 

£ntfr a Cmentry W-omAn* 

Worn, I come, a'nt pleafe your Ladyih\p— jou'x 
lunA^ B^nrifu\ aVt y€? 

lAxu SuL Well, good Woman, goon. 

^om. I come feveateen long Miks w hzfc a Cti: 
my Hii(band's fore Legk 

Mrs SuL YourUuflHrndi Whkt, iVbman, cure 
jEiufband 1 

fFom. Ay, poor Man, for his fore Leg won^t le 
llir from Home. 

Mrs. Suf, There, I conJfeA, you lune ^^iren me a 
fon. — Well, ^ood Woman, V\i tsU foa vriat you 

ao Yoa muft Jay ytiarHa^hnd^^iJag^^OffOA a T 

and wi(h a Chopping-knife yoa mull lay it opea as I 



tbt Beattif Stratagem. 47 

is you can« then yoa muft take oat tke Bone, and beat 
the Flcfli foundly with a Rowling-pin, then take Salt, 
• Pepper, Cloves^ Mace, and Q'nger, foiyie Sjveet herbs, 
and feafon it very well, then ro 1 it up like Brawn, and 
^tit it into the Oven for two Hours. 

IVom. Heaven reward your Ladyihip— I have two lit- 
tle Babies too that are pitious bad with the Graips, a'n'c 
pleiTfc ye. 

Mrs. .W. Put a little Peppjy and Salt in their BeJlies, 
good Woman [Enftr Lady Bountiful ] f bejg your 1 aHy- 
ihip^s Pardon for taking yourBufinef> out ofyour Hands, 
1 have been a tampering here a Hltle with one of your 
Patients. 

L. Boun, Come, good Woman, don't mind this mid^ 
Creature ; I am the Perfbn that you want, I fuppofe' — 
What would you have, Woman ? 

Mrs^ ^uL She wants (bmethjin? for her ftufband's fore 

ICff. 

X liw9. Wbat*s tht matter with his Leg, Goofiy ? 

W9m* 'h come firil, as orw might Yay, wkh a ibjit ©f 
Wnrinefs in Ms i^oot, then he 4iati n Kind of Lazint^ 
In his Joints, and then his Le^ broke out. and then it 
fwelPcC and then it clofed again, and then it broke ou t 
a«nn^ und then it fefter^d, and then it grew better, and 
ffSen it grew worfe again. 

'Mrs. 5»/. Ha, ha, ha. 

L. Boun, How can you be merry with the Misfortunes 
of other People? 

Mrs. ^uL Becaufe my own make me fad. Madam. 

L, Boun, The worfl Reafon in the World, Daughter ; 
your own Misfortunes fhould teach vou to pity others. 

Mrs. ^ul. But the Woman's Misrortuncs and mine are" 
nothing alike i her Hufband is Tick, and mine, alas 1 is 
io Health. 

L. Boun, What ! would you wijh your Hufband fick ? 

Mrs. SuU Not of a fore I eg of all Things 

L- Boun. Welt, good Woman, go to the Pantry, get 
yotir ^dly full of \ iftuals, then T*ll give you a Receipt 
of Diet-drink f^r your Hufband — Bnt d'ye hear, Goody, 
yota muft not let your Hufband move too much. 

Worn* No, no. Madam, the i;ojr Man's inclinable 

enough to He ilill. [i^Arr/. 

N 3 L. Boun. 



48 The Beaux Stratagem. 

L. Boufi, Well, Daughter Sullen, tho* you laugh, I 
have done Miracles about the Country here with my Re- 
ceipts. 

Mrs, SuL Miracles indeed, if they have cur'd any 
Body ; but I believe, Madam, the Patient's Faiih goes 
farther towards the Miracle than your Prefcripiion, 

L. Boun. Fancy helps in fome Cafes ; but there's your 
Hufband, who has as litt'e Fancy as any Body, I brought 
him from Death's Door. 

Mrs Sul I Tuppofe, Madam, you made him drink 
plentifully of Afs's Milk. 

Enter Dorinda, runs to Mrs. Sullen* 

Dor. News, dear Sifler, News, News. 
Enter Archer running. 

Arch, Where, ^ where is m^ Lady Bguutiful P * Pray, 
which is the old Lady of you three ? 

L. Bautt.l am. 

Arch. C Madam, the Fame of your Lad)'fliip'8 Cha- 
rity ,^ <joodn efs. Benevolence, Skill and Ability, have 
dra^n me hither 10 implore your Ladyftiip's Help in be- 
kalr of my unfortunate Mailer, who is this Momeat 
Dreathing his laft. 

L, Boun, Your Matter I where is he? 

Arch, At your Gate, Madam, drawn by the Appear* 
ance <Jf your handfome Houfe to view it nearer, an4 
walking up the Avenue within five Paces of the Court* 
yard, he was taken ill of a fudden with a fort of I know 
not what ; but down he fell, and there he lies. 

L. Boun. Here Scruby Gip/ey, all run, get my Eafy- 
chair down Stairs, put the Gentleman in it, and bring 
him in quickly, quickly. 

Arch, Heaven will reward your Ladyfhip for this chat- 
ritable Aft. 

L Boun. Is your Mailer us'd to thefe Fits ? 

Arch. O yes. Madam, frequently--] have known him 
have five or fix of a Night. 

L. Boun, What's his Name? 

Arch. Lord, Madam, he's a dying ; a Minute's Gate 
or Neglcd may fave or deftroy his Life. 

h.Eoun, Ah, poor Gentleman ! Come,^ Friend, ihew 
me the way ; I'll fee him brought in myfelf, 

[Exit luith Archer. 
" Dor. 



fBe Beaux Stratagem. 49 

Dcr. O, Sifter, my' Heart flutters about ftrangelj, I 
can hardly forbear running to his Abidance. 

Mrs. Sul, And I'll lay my Life he defcrves your Af- 
fiflance more than he wants it : Did not I tell you that 
my Lord would find a way to come at you ? Love's hit 
Didemper, and you m\ift be the Phyfician ; put on all 
your Charms, fummon all your Fire into your Eyes* 
plant the whole Artillery of your Looks againft his 
^reaft, and down with him. 

Dor. O, SiHer, I'm but a young Gunner, I fhall b« 
afraid to (hoot, for fear ihe Piece ihould recoil, and hurt 
myfclf. 

Mrs. SmI Never fear, you fliall fee me (hoot before 
you, if you will. 

Derr No, no, dear Sifter, you have mifs'd your Mark 
fo unfortunately, that I ihan^t care for being inftrufled 
by you. 

£Mt£r Aimwell in a Cbair^ carried hy Archer and Scrub, 
Lady Bountiful, Gipfey: Aimwell counurfeitiug aSnAjoon. 

L. BouH. Here, here, let's fee the Hartlhorn Drops— 
Gipfey t a Glafs of fair Water, his Fit's very ftrong.— 
Blefs me, how his Hands are clinch'd. 

Jrcb. For fliame, Ladies, what d'ye do ? why don't 
you help us r— Pray, Madam, [To Dorinda.] take his 
Handi and open it, if you can, whilft I hold his Head. 

[Dorinda takes bis Handm 

Dor. Poor Gentleman Oh ^he has got my Hand 

within hrs, and fqueezes it unmercifully 

L. Boun. 'Tis the Violence of his Convulfion, Child. 

Jrch. C\ Madam, he's perfectly poflefs'd in thefci 
Cafes — he'll bite you if you don't have a care. 

Dor, Oh, my Hand ! my Hand I 

L. Boun, What's the matter with the foolifh Girl ? I 
have got this Hand open you fee with a great deal of 
Eaf^. 

Jrcb. Ay, but, Madam, your Daughter's Hand U 
fomewhat warmer than your Ladylhip's, and the Heat of 
it draws the Force of ihe Spirits that Way. 

Mrs. SuL 1 find, Friend, you're very learnedin thefe 
fort of Fits. 

N 4 Jrcb. 



^ 7ie Beaux Stratagem. 

Arch, 'Tis no wonder. Madam, for Tiri iyftei) trooH^J 
with them m^feif; I find myfelf extremely ill at tl.is 
Minute. \^Ltokinghard at %lrs. Sullen. 

^rs.^*/. \;^Jide.'\ I Fancy 1 could find a Way to core 

L. ioun. His Prt holds him vti"^ ^ong> 
^f;&. Longer than ufual. Madam,— Pray, yoing 
Lady, .opeti'his Bre.ift and cjve him Air. 

L J^tftfxr. Where did his Illnefs take him iix^^ pray ? 
Arch. Jo- day at Churchy Madam. 
L. Boun, In what manner was he taken ? 
/ifcij. Very ftrangely, my Lady* He was of a fuddeo 
toach'd wi h foinetbing in his Eyes, which at the frit he 
only ftlt, but could not tell whether 'twas Pain or Flea- 
fur e. 

L. Bonn, Wind, nothing but Wind. 
j^rth. By foft Degrees it grew and mounted to hi4 
Brain, there hJs Fancy caught it ; there form'd it fo 
be^utiful^ aiHi 4i^&Ui it ^f in f^c^ ^oy;, 4ilef^«^ Cok>iinw 
ihat his U9f^i^iKii4^ ^fjj>p|it$ fj^«esi ^f Vff ddloa* and 
ftraijjhjt <ppyf|y*^ i^ j^ Jij^s ^caftt. "JYtX HqfpvtaWc S«at 
of Life fefit afl iu /anj^nc Spirits fqrtji to iRf et \\^ aiv4 
opened all its Huicy Gat^is to iaJke the Sttian^er io. 

L. ^nK^r. Y.Q^ur |y(lafber AiPuld n^v^r ^o wichp^t a Settle 
Jp'fmeil -tp.— rr-^Oi f~be ra(;Qy4irs j, ., jtifae JU? 
V^d^ \f^t^Tr-r^{^mi JFea,tji^r^ .to biiin g^wJ^r i" ^'pft 
^ — Hungry-tw^tcr to /<ttb his Temples— — ^O, he cOmes 
to himieTf. Hen;i a li'tlc. Sir, hem-*^?//^, brinjg ;ihc 
Cordiai-water. f Aimwell /ami tp awake in avasci. 

Dor. Hovv do you, !oir ? 

Jim Where am I ? \J^iJt»g» 

Sure 1 have pafs'd the Gulph of £leiit Death, 
And now am landed on the Elyfian Shore—— 
Behold the Goddefs of thofe happv Plains, ^ 
Fair Froferpine — let me adore thy bright Divinity. 
[Kfiee/j to Dorinda, and kijfes her Hand. 
Mrs. Sul. §o, fo, fo, I knew where the Mt w.ould end. 
4im. Euryflicf perhaps ■■ 

inow could thy Orpheus keep hi6 Word, 

And not look back upon thee ; 

No Treafure but thyVelf could fure have brib'd him 

To look one Minute oiF thee. 

L. Boun^ 



fhe Beaux Siratagefn. 5 1 

L. Bou^. Delirious, poor Gentlemaz). 

Jncb* ytry delirious, Madam, «cry delirious. 

Jim. Martiu'% Voice, 1 ihink. 

Jrch. Ycfp my Lord— How does your Lordfliip ? 

L. Boun Lord f did you mind that, Girls ? 

Aim Where am. I ? 

Arch, Id very good Hands, Sir — You were takfn juft 
now with one of your old Fits, unier the Trees, juft by 
this good La'iy*! Hou'e ; hrfr LadyGiip bad you taken in, 
and nas niiaculoufly brought you to yourieir, as you 
fee 

Aim. I am fo confounded with Sha.re. Madam, that 
I can now only beg Pardon And lefcr my Acknow- 
ledgments for your Ladyihip's Care^.tU an Opportunity 

offers of making foroc amends 1 dare be no longer 

troabkfome-^Af/ir/is, give two Guineas to the Servants, 

[Goin^ 

Dor. Sir, you may catch CoW by going (o foon into 
the Air 1 you don't look, Sir, as if you were f eifedly 
recover *d. 

[Hire hy^tx talks to Lady Bountiful in diwib Jheiv. 

Airtu That 1 i^all never be, Madam ; my prefent III- 
a0fs is (b rootedy- that I muil cxped to carry it to my 
Grave. 

'Mrs.^W. DOD*t defpaxr, Sir; I have known ieveral in 
your Diftemper (hake it off, with a Fortnight's Phyfic. 

L- Boun. Come, Sir, your Servant ha» been tellin? me 
that you*rc apt to reltpfc, if you go into the Air— Your 
good Manners (han't get the better of ours — You (hall fit 
dawn again. Sir:— ^Come, Sir, we don't mind Ce- 
remonies in the Country — Here, Sir, my Service t'ye—- 
Vou ihall taQe toy Water ; 'tis a Cordial I can affure 

fou, and of my own making —-Drink it off, Sir : 
Aimweli </r/«i/.] And how d'ye (ind yourfelf now. Sir?. 
Aint' Somewhat better— tho* very faint (lill. 
L. ioutt. Ay, ay. People are alivays faint af:er thefe- 
Fits. Come, Girls, vou fliall (heyv the Gentleman the 
Houfe } '(isbut an old Familyrbuilding, Sir ; but you 
had better walk about^ and cool by decrees, than venture 

immedia:«ly into the Air You'll nod fomo tolcjabrc 

Pi^urfis-*.DflnW/i, (hew the Gentlemaa the Way. {B^xii^ 
1 maft £9 to the poor Womaa below. 



52 TJbe Beaux Siraiagem. 

Dcr. This Way, Sir. 

^V/;/. Ladies, (hall J beg leave for my Servant to wait 
on you, for he underftands Pictures very well. 

Mrs .^«/. Sir, we underftand Originals, as well as lie 
does Pidures, fo he may come along. 

[Ex, Dor. Mn, Sull. Aim. Arch. Aim. leads Dor. 
Enter Foigard and Scrub, meeting. 
Foig, Save you, Mafter Scru6, 

Scrub. Sir, I won't be fav'd your Way 1 hate a 

Prieft, 1 abhor the French^ and I defy the Devil— ^Sir, 
I'm a bold Briton^ and will (pill the lall Drop of my 
Blood to keep, out Popery and Slavery. 

Feig. Mailer Scrub, you would put me down in PoliticJ, 
and fo I would be (jpeaking with Mrs. Gipfey, 

Scrub, Good Mr. Prieff; you can't fpeak with her ; 
(he's fick, Sir ; (he's gone abroad. Sir;, ihe's — dead two 
Months ago. Sir. 

_ Enter Gipfey^ 
Gip, How now. Impudence \ How dare you talk (b 
faucily to the Dodlor ? Pray, Sir, don't take it ill ; for 
the common People of England are. not fo civil to Stran- 
gers, as — — 

Si,rub. Ybtt lie, you IJe ; 'tis the common People, 

fuch as you are, that are civilefl to Strangers. 

Gip. Sirrah, I have a good mind to ^ Get you oat» I 
fay ! • 

Scrub. T won't!' 

Gip, You won't, Sauce box — Pray, D*o£lor, what is 
the Captain's Name that came to your Jnn laft Night ? 

Scrub, The Captain I ah, the Devil, there (he ham- 
pers me again;— the Captain has me on one Side, and 
the Prieft on t'o her :~So between thyb Gown and Sword,. 
I hive a fine time on't—But, Cedc^ntiArmaTog^, [Going, 

Gip What^ Sirrah, won't you march ? • 
. Scrub. No, my dear, [ won't march— but PU walk :: 
'-^;\nd I'll make bold toliften a little too. 

]fioes behind the Side-fcene, mnJlftgns^ 
Gip, Indeed,' D Sor, the Count has been barbaroufly 
treated, that's the. Truth on't; 

Foig Ah,/^-rs. Gip/ey, upon my Shoal, now Gra, 
his Complainings would moilify the Marrpw in your 
Bones, and move the Bowels of your Commiferation ; he 

vccpi. 



, Tbi Beaux Stratagem. 53 

veepSj and he dances, and he fifties, and he Avfars, and 
he laughs, and he fings : In Conclufion, Joy, he*s a/Hidl- 
ed, a la Pranfois, and a Stranger would not know whider 
to cry^ or to laugh with him. 

Gip, What would you have me do, Dodor ? 

Foig. Noting. Joy, but only hide the Count in Mn.- 
SuIiiHB Clofet, when it is dark. 

Gif. Nothing! Is that nothing? It would be both a 
Sin and a Shame,. DoAor. 

Fojg. Herei: twenty Lewis d'Ors, Joy, for jrour Shame } 
and I will give yon an Abfolution for the Shin. 

Gif\ But won't that Money look like a Bribe ? 

Fo.g. Dat is according as you (hall tauk i: — If yon 
receive the Money before hj^nd, *twiil be Lg^ict^ a Bribe ; • 
but if you :'ay till afterwards, 'twill be only a Gratifica- 
tion. 

G/>. Well, Doflor, I'll take it loiic} But what 

inuA 1 do with my Confcience, Sir? 

Fotg. Leave dat wid me, Joy ; I am your Prieft, Grai 
And your Conlcicnce is under my Hands. 

Grp. Buc fhouid I pit the Count into the Clofet 

Foig, Veil, is derc any Shin for a Man's being in a 
Cloftiet ? one may go to Prayers in a Cloihet. 

Gijf But if the Lady (hould come into her Chamber 
and go to Bed ? 

Foig Vel. aid is dere any Shin in going to Bed, Joy ? 

G/p Ay, but if the Parties (hou.d meet. Dodlor ? 

Foig, Vel den — the Parties muft be reiponfible.^— •-— _ 
Do you be gone after putting the Count in the Cloiet ; 

and leave the Shins wid themielves 1 will come with 

the Count o inA u6l you in your Chamber. 

Gip. Well, Dodor, your R lieirjn is fo pure — — Nifc- 
think^ i*m fo eaiy after an Ai^folution and can (in afreih 
with fo much Security, that Pm refolv'a to die a Martyr 

to'c-*- Here's the Key of the Gai den- door ; come in 

'the Back-way, when 'tis late I'll be ready to receive 

you ; but don't fo muc'i as whilper, only take hold of 

xny hand ; TU lead you, and do you lead the Count, and 

follow me. lEx€unt. 

Evter Scrub. 

Seruh What Witchcr ft now have thefc two Imps of 
the Devil been a hatching here ?— There's twenty Lewis 

d'Ors; 



54 Tk Be;iH^ Str.^a^* 

d'Ors ; I hca;-(J that^ ;|i^d f2^w the Purfe :»-But I m\iit 
giyje rQOm to my Eelters. 

dumb She<iv — Mrs, &tiXU ami Arcker. 

^/Trs. SuL Pray, S}r, \To Archer.] how d'y^ like that 
Piece? 

jirch. O, 'tis LeJa" rVou find, Mi^am, hp)v Jypittr 

came difguis'd to make Love — 

My%. SuL B^t what think you there oi 4lexander\ fiat- 
ties ? ■ "^ 

J^rch, Wc want onjy a i^^ J?r«», Madam, to (}''aw 
gre^tijer Battles, a.nd a greater General of our p;vn— 
The Danube^ Madam, would mafee a greater Figure in a 
Pi61ure than the Grannies ; and we have our KamfHes jfo 
match their Arbela. 

Mrs. SuL Pr^y, Sir, what Jiead is thiit j^ tl^e Cpmer. 
there? 

4jck* O, Madam, 'tis ppor GwV in his £xi}e, 

Mrs. 5a7. Whajt was he baniJh'd for ? 

Arch* ^^ ambitious Love, Mada^n, ^Bonulpg,^ Hf». 
Misforjtune torches me. 

Mis. tuU Was he Aiccefsful in his Amours ? 

Arch, There ke has left us in th^ dafk-rt — i|c was toos 
ipiich a Gentleman to tdl. 

AJrs, SfiL If he were fecret^ I pity h{m^ 

Arch^ And if he were fuccefsfjui, J envy him* 

Mrs. SuL How d'ye like that Veou^ over the ^himi^ey ?■ 

Arch. Venues! I projcft, Madam^ I< took; it. for your. 
Pidure ; but now I look again, 'tis not hAndipme enough. 

Mrs. 8ul. Oh, wh^i: a Charm is Flattery!*^ If yqa, 

would fee my Piflure, tjiere it i$, oyer: that pabinet— . 
Sow A^yt like it ? 

Afcir. I muft admire any thi^ig. Madam, that ha^ the . 
leaft Refemblance of you — But metbinks, Madam,-T>-^. 

SHe Ms at ibe Figure and Mrs. Sullen ibrie orf^ur.timeft^^ 
^j^ turjfj\yPrtiys Mad an), who drew it f- , • •• • 

Mrs. S^f, Ah^ions Hand, Sir. 

[Here Aimwell a»d Dorind? go ^^ 

Arcbi A famous Hai^dj Mad^ i^— YourEyes^ indeed, 

arc feajur'd therp ; but where's the fpgrkliiwr Moidure, ' 

^inipg Tliiid, in whicb they fw|m ?. TJiq. ri^Hr«. ^V 

' deed,. 



iftd, h^$ joar Pioppjes ; bot .whcre'a the Swaim of kil« 
)ing Cupids ib^t (bould diBbaib cbere ? The Lips too are 
fire figur'd oat: But where's the C.arna ion Dew, the 
ppupAg Rk)ea^rs that tempts ^ke T^ in the Original f 

win, Suf \Hd. it been my XiOt to h^ve ina:cb*4 ^ich 
%h a M41) ! [^#>. 

jfrfh, Vppr Brea(l$ too.; prefumptupu^ Man ! whai !- 
pairt Heaven! ^fjvpfii. Madam, in the vcjy next Pic- 
]t44rf is Salmoneuj^ ^bat was ftruclc dead y^'nh Lightning, 
for offering tp im'it^te y»vf]% Thunder; 1 hope ypu fcrv'd 
the Painter {q. M^daiQ. 

Mrs. Sul, tldd jwy Sycs the Power of Thunder, they 
fi]ipuld employ their Ligbtniog bct(er. 

Jrch. There's the fineft Bed in that GU>oin| Madam ; 
I fappor^i *ti5 ypui {i^y/hip*s Bed-chamber ? 

Mrs.'5«/.A«d what then, Sir? 

/frchf I tl|iqk the (;^ijt is the richeft that I ever faw— 
I can't a^ ;b}s Piftance. S^ad^m^ diflinguiib the Figures 
of the Embrddery : Will you eive me leave. Madam ? 

Mfs Suf, Th* Devil i^ke his Impud«nce-^Sore, if I 
ga^ye bin) ap Opppjtunity, he dorft not o^r i^ — 1 have- 

a greaj? J»}nd to try. ^Gsiag. Returns] 'Sdcarh I what 

^m I doing? — And alone too ! Sifter, Siller. 

Jrfi. ril follow bfif dofq 

For 'wh$t«^ A Pffenchraan Jurfi attimpt to/hftn^ 

A Britooy Jurti ntay <u;ei/ the Work per/orpg,. [Ooifig* 

£^terSQf\^h. 

Sfrui, Martin. Broker Martiu, 

Arch, O, Brother Scrubs I beg your Pardon, I was not 
a going : Here's a Guinea my Ma^er orderM you. 

Scrub, A Guinea; hi, hi» W« a Guinea! eh— : by 

t]ii$ Light it is a GuiQ^a : but I fuppof^ you expe£l one- 
and'twenty Shillingrin change. 

Arch, Not ^t all ; I have another for Gip/if. 

Scrjffi, A Guinea for her! Fire and faggot for the 
"Witcb.--— Sijf, give mP that Guinea, and J '11 difcover a 
Plot. 

Aircb. A Plot?: 

ScruB. Ay, Sir, a Plot, ah^rridPlot — -Firft, itmuft 
"be a Plot, becaiile there's a Wgm^n in*t : Secondly, it 
ia.\ift be a Flot^ b^caufe there's ^ Prieft ia't ; Thkdly, it 

ami. 



5 6 The Beaux Stratagem. 

muft Be a Plof, becaufe there's French Gold in't : And i 
Fourthly, it mull be a Plot, becaufe I don't ktipw what 
to make on't. 

Jnh. Nor anybody elfe, I'm afraid, Biother Scrub; 

Scrub. Truly I'm afraid fo too; for where there's a 
Pried and a Woman, there's alwa^'s a Myftery and a 
Riddle — 1 his, \ know, that here has been the Doctor 
with a Temptation in one Hand, and an Abiblution in 
the other, and (^ipjey has fold herfelf to the Devil ; I faw 
the Price paid down, my Eyes (hall take their Oath on't. 

^rch. And is all this Buftle about Gip/ey F 

Scrub. That's not all ; I could hear but a Word here 
and there; but I remember they mentioned a Count, a 
Clofet, a Back-door, and a Key. 

Jrcif. The Count ! Did you hear nothing of Mrs." S«/- 
lin? ■ • 1 

Scrul', I did hear fom^ Word that founded that way; 
but whether it was Sullen or Dorinda^ 1 could not difliD- 
guifli. 

Jrcb. You have told this Matter to Nobody, Brother ? 

Scrub: To\di ! No, Sir. I thank you for that; I'ra rc- 
folv'd never to fpeak one Word, pro nor con till we have 
a t^eace, 

jirch. You're i'th* right, Brother Scrub ; here's a 
Treaty a^foot between the Count and the Lady. — —The ^ 
Brieft and the Chamber-maid aie Pknipotentiat ies-r — =— It 
fhairgohard, but Til. find a Way'to be included in the 
Treaty. Where's the Dodlor, now ?..,.. 

Scrub, He and Gfpfey are this Moment devoQring^ my 
Lady's Marmalade in the Clofet. 

jiim, [From 'without.'] Mar tint Martin / 

jirch, i come. Sir, I come. 

Scrubs But you forget the other Guinea, Brother 
Martin. 

Arch. Here T give it with all my Hea't. 

Scrub. And I take it with a'l my Soul. \T.iceunt fenji* 
ralfy.'} I* cod, VW fpoil your plotting, Mrs: GipZ-y ? and 
if you (hould fet the Captain upon me, thefe two Guineas < 
will buy me ofF. [Exit. 

Enter Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda, muting* 

Mrs. SuL Well, Sider. 

Don And welU SiAer. 

Mrs. 



Thi, Beaux Stratagem. 57 

Mrs. S'uL Whaf s become of my Lord ^ 

Dcr, What's become of his Servant ? 

Mrs. SuL Servant !' He's a prettier Fellow, afld a finer 
Gentleman, by fifty Degrees than his Mafler. 

Dor. O* my Confcience, 1 fancy you could beg that 
Fellow at the Gallows font. 

Mrs. SuL O* my Confcience I could', provided I cQtiM 
put a Friend of yours in his room. 

Dor. You defir'd me, Sifler, to leave you, when you 
tranfgrefs'd the Bounds of Honour. 

Mrs. Sul. Thou dear cenforious Country Girl — What 
doll mean ? You can't think of the Man without the Bed« 
lelloiv, I find. 

Dor, I don't find any Thing unnatural in that Thought^ 
while the Mind is converfant wilh Flefh and Blood', it 
nuft conform to the Humours of the Company. 

Mrs Sttl. How a little Love and Converfarion im- 
•prove a Woman ? Why, Child, you begin to live — yon 
, never fpoke before. 

Dor, Becaufe I was never fpokc to before': My Lord 
has told me, that I have more Wit and Beauty than any 
of my Sex; 'and truly I begin to think^ the Man is fin- 
'cere. 

Mrs. Sui. You're in the right, DorMa; Pride is the 

Life of 9 Woman, and Flattery is our daily Bread ; and 

(he's a Fool that won't believe a Man there, as much as 

•Ihe that believes him in any Ting clfe — But Til lay you a 

'Guinea that I had finer Things faid to me than you had. 

Dor. Done— What did your Fellow fay to ye ? 
' Mrs. SuL My Fellow tcok the Pidure of Fenus for 
mine.— 

Dor, But my Lover took me for Fem/s herfelf 

Mrs. SuL Common Cant ! Had my Spark call'd me a 
^enus diredlly, I (hould have believM him a Footman in 
good Earncft; 

Dor. But my Loverwas upon his Knees to me. 

Mrs. SuL And mine was upon his Tiptoes to me. 

Dor. Mine vow'd to die for me. 

Mrs. SuL Mine fwore to die with me. 

Dor, Mine fpoke the fofteft moving Things. 

Mrs. SuL Ay, ay, mine had his moving Things too.- 

Dor*. Mine kifsM my Hand ten thou(knd Times. 

Mn#. 



^8 Th^ Beam Strmiagim. 

Mrs. Sul. MiDC hfis 9\\ ^t Pleafii^ t9 com^. 

Z>«r. Mine oiFcr'd Marriage, ' . ^ 

Mrs. Sul' O Lard ! D*ye call that a moving Thi 

Dor, The iharpeft Arrow in his Quiver, my dear i 
^r-Why^ my ten thpufa^d Poup^ds may lie bropdin 
this feven Years, and, hatch nothing at ]aft but foi 
i;kaw'4 CJ^wxj like yourf :*-^— Whereas, if 1 mar 
Lord ///wxy^//, there will be Title, Place, and 
dence, the Park, the Play, and th« Drawing-room, 
dor, Eauipage, Noife, and FJawbeaqa^.-^H^y* my 
Jim^fiP.s S^ervanis th<?rc-r-U^hts^ Juighti to the Si 
My Lady /f/Vwiv^//'^ Coach, put forward'— ^ Stan 

make room for her Ladyfliip Are not (h^ff 1 

moving ? What-l mej^ncholy of a fnddca ? 

AJfuSuJ, iriappy. happy 9iftwl Your Angel ha 
watchful for your Happmm, wbilil ibId^ na3 fl< 
gardLfft of hi? Charge— ^Long finiiing Y^ars of c 
Joys fpr vp'^i, but npt pne Ho^r for i^e I [ 

Dor, Come, my Dear, we'll talk of foih^tlung < 

Mr$. Sui. O l}orimla, I own myielf % Wgman, 
my 5ex, a gentle, generous Soul,— ^wfy and yi 
tp foft Deiires, a ^acipn^ Heart, whef^ Love and 
Train might lodge : And muft the fair Apartment 
Bre^ bp made a Suble for a Brut^ to He in ? 

Dor. Meaning your Hulband, 1 fuppofe ? 

Mrs. Sul, Hn/band I No^^.-r^Evcn tiuflwmd i» t 
a N^me for him,— ^Biitcom?> I e^pe^ my Brotlsui 
Tot night or To-morrow ; be wfu abroad wh^n my 
married me; perhaps K^'l) find a Way to make m 

Dqv, Will ypn promffe not tQ make ypurfelf ( 
the mean time with my Lord's Friend ? 

Mrs. ^W. You miftake me^ Sift«r-^It happens v 
as amoog the Men, the greateft Talkers are the | 
Cowards : and there's a llieafon for it | thofe Spin 
porate in Prattle, which might do more Mifchief 
took another Courfe— -*-^-^Tho*, tg confeis the Ti 
do love thfit Fellow ;»«— «rp-*«An4 if I met bim drel 
fhould be, and I undreft 44 I ibovld be^^Look'e^ 
I have no fupernatnral Ciftj )■ ■ >■ .1 can't fwe*r ] 
refift the TemptatioP|-^-^though I can iafdly proj 
ayoid.ii I itiid that's ai mn^ iu U^ b«ft ^f U9 can 



Tie BeAU)c Stratagem. S9 

Ei/Ur ^Aimwtli and Archer laughing. 

Arch, And the awkward Kindnefs of \£s, goixl motherly 
old Gentlewoipan ■ 

Aim, And the coming EaAnefs of the young one;--^» 
'Sdeath, 'tis pity to deceive her. 

Arch, Nay, if you adhere to thofe PrincipIeSf (lop 
where you are. 

Jim, I can't llop ; for I love her to Diftrafiion. 

Arch. 'Sdeath, if you love bcr a Hair's breadth beyond 
Difcretion, you muft go no farther. 

Aim, Well, well, any thing to deliver us from faun- 
tering away our idle Evenings at IVhiteh, Tom'^s^ or WilP%t 
and be ilinted to bare looking ac our old Acquaintance, 
ihe Ci^rds, becaufe our impotent Pockets can't afford us 
1 Guinea for the mercenary Drabs. 

Arch. Or be obliged to feme Purfe- proud Coxcomb 
for a fcandalous Bottle^ where we muft no( pretend to 
3ur flare of ihe Difcourfe, becaufe we can't pay our 

l^lub o'tb' Reckoning : IJ^mn it, I had rather fouiigc 

upon Marris, and fup upoa a Diih of Bohea fcoo-^d bo- 
tiipi) the Poor. 

Aim And there cxpofe our want of Sfttfe by tali^ii^ 
>4^fn9$, as wpi^\4d pur waiK of JMo»ey by raAif^g 
It the Goi^nmei^. 

jfrch. Or t>e<>bli^'d to fnoak mtpi^ ^ide-box* sasA 
between both Houfes fteal two Adts of ^ Piay; :i»d b^ 
:#afe we haVt MQoey 19 ifee ^he rOtber thre^^ w.e<3Gme 
w^y difeofliitfint^dj skui 4any? tbe wholp iky^. 

Aim And ten thoufand fuch rafcally Tricks— had w^ 

>ut-tiv'^ 0(>r FortMBM among our Acquaintance. Sut 

lOW— — • 

Arch. Ay, now Ib the time tp prevent all this — Strike 
vhile the Iron is hot — This Prieft is the luckieft part of 
»ur Adventure; he ihall marry you, and pimp for me. 

Aim, But I fhould not like a Woman that ca<i be fo 
bnd of a Frenchman. 

Arch, Alas, Sir, Ncceffity has no Law ; thiC Lady may 
)e in Diilrefs ; perhaps fhe has a confounded Hufband, 
Mid her Revenge qiay carry her farther than her Love.— • 
^gad, I have fo good ^ Opinipn of her, and of Qiyiel^ 
hat I begin ^o fa^cy (Irange Things 1 and we aau^ Cay 
his for the Honour of our Women, and indeed of oar- 

fclves. 



€o The Beaux Stratagem. 

felves, that" they do Hick to their Men, as they do 

their Magna Charta, If the Plot lies as I fufpeft 

muft put on the Gentleman — But here comes the Dofloi 
1 fliall be ready, [^Exk 

Enter Foigard, 

Foig Saave yoo, noble Friend. 

Aim. O Sir, your Servant : Pray, Do6lor, may I era 
your Name ? , 

Foig Fat Naam is upon me ? My Naam is Foigar 
Joy 

j^im Foigard! A very good Name for a Clergymaj 
Fray, Dodor Eoigard, were you ever in Iretand ^ 

Foig. Ireland f No, Joy ; — Fat fort of a Plaace is d 
faam Ireland ? J^ty fay de People are catcb'd dere wh( 
dey are young, 

Mm. And ibme of 'em here when they are old ; — 
as for Example — [ ^akes Foigard hy the Shoulder'] Sir, 
arreft you as a Traitor againlt the Government j you're 
Subjedl of England, and this Morning (hew'd me a Cot 
million by which you fcrv'd as Chaplain in the Fnn 
Army : This is Death by our Law> and your Reveren 
jnud hang for't, 

F»fg Upon my Shoul, noble Friend, iiis is ftran] 
News you tell me. Fader Foigard a Subjefl of Englawa 
dc Son of 2i Burgo-majter of BruJJfeh a Subjedl of EHg'am 
Ubooboo 

Aim. The Son of a Bog-trotter in Ireland i Sir, yo 
Tongue will condemn you before any Bench in the Kin 
dom. 

Foig, And is my Tongue all your Evidenfh, Joy ? 

Aim. Thai's enough. 

Foig, No, no, Joy, for I will never fpake Engi'fi \ 
more. 

Aim, Sir, T have other Evidence— Here, Martin, y< 
know this Fellow. 

Erttcr Archer. 

Artb. [In a Brogue"] Saave you my dear Cuflcn, he 
does your Health ? 

Foig, Ah! Upon my Shoul dere is my Countryma 
and his Br gue will hang mine, [^fide.] Mynbere^ 1 
ijuet neat waft bey zacht^ Ick Univerjhn ewi ntatt /acr> 
went. 

Ai 



Tbe Beaux Siraiagem. ^ 61 

• Aim* Alrefing your Language won't do, Sir» this Fel- 
low kaows your Perron, and will fwear to your Pace. 

pBig, Faalh ! Fty, is dere Brogue upon my Faafb too ? 

Arcb. Upon my Soolvation dere ilh Joy -———But, 
Cuiien Mactjbam^ vil you not put a Remecnbrance upon 
me ? 

Foig, Machjhane ! By St. Patriik^ dat is my Naame 
fhure enough. \^.'ffidt. 

Aim, I fancy Arch&r you have it. 

Foig. The Devil hang you, Joy. — By fat Acquaintance 
are you my Cuflcn ? 

Arch, O, de Devil hang yourlhelf, joy ; you know 
we were little Boys togeJer upon de School, and your 
Foder- moderns Son was married upon my Nurfe'ft Chiller, 
Joy, and fo we are Irijh Catlens. 

Faig De Devil Uakc de Relation ! Vel, Joy, and fat 
School was it ? 

Jrch^ I think it vas — Aay — 'twas Tlfperaty* 

F»ig* Now, upon my Shoul, Joy, it was AiliiitMj* 

Aim, That's enough for us Self-confeffion ■ 

Gome, Sir, we mult deliver you into the Hands of the 
aext Magillrate. 

Areh. He fends you to Giol, youVe tried next Affixes, 
and away you go fwin^ into Purgatory. 

Foig. And is it fo wid you, Cuflen } 

Arch. It will be fho wid you, Cuiien, if you don't im- 
mediately confefs the Secret between you and Mrs. Gi/^ 
. '>5y— Look'e, Sir, the Gallows or the Secret, take your 
Choice. 

• Fo/'g. The G^lows ! Upon my Shoul I hate that fliame 
Gallows, for it 13 a Difeaih dat is fatal to our, f Mttily* — 

• Vel, den, ihcre is nothing, Shenilemens, but ^ 
left would fp^ak wid the Count in her Chambo^^ 

M Bight, and dere is no harm,. Joy, for I 
the Count to the Plafli myfelf. 

Arch. As I giicfs'd. Have you comm| 

If Matter to the Count?' 

Foig. I have not fhecn him fincc.. 

n Arch, Right agen ; why then, Doflorf 

V. duft me to the Lady in (lead of the Cour 

J Foig. Fat my CufTen to the Lady I 
gra, dat's too much upon the Brogue*. 




62 The Beaux Stratag^m^ 

Arch^ Come, come, Dodlor ? confider we have got a 
Rope about our Neck, and if you ofFer to fqueak, well 
Hop yoar Wind-pipe, moll certainly ; we (hall hare an- 
other Job ^r you in a Day or two, I hope. 

Aim, Here*fi Company coming this Way, }et*6 Into fliy 
Chamber, and there concert our Affairs farther. 

Arch. Come, my d^ar Cuflen, x:ome along. lExtMnt. 

Fot^, Arra the Devil taake our Belafhioa. 

jE»ur Boniface, Hounflowt aW 6ag0iot 4/ o/u Dpor$ 

Gibbet ai the oppoJtte» 

Gih, Well, Gentlemen, 'tis a fine Night for our Enter- 
prize. 

Hottnf, Dark as Hell. 

Bag, And Blows like the Devil ; our Landlord, here, 
lias A^wM us the Window wbe?e we m«ift break in, and 
tells us the Plate Hands in the Wainfcot Cupboard m 
the Parlowi . 

B^n Ay, ay, Mr. Bag^het^ 9i% the Saying 15, Knnxa 
«tid Forks, Cufs and Cans, Tmnbl^s «nd fankarda^— 
There's one Tankard, a^ thcSaymg is, that'i iwar apoA 
as big as me ; it was a Prefent to the ^ftHre from hk 
^^o^mother and (bells of Natmeg ,and Toaft, like an 
Eafi'India Ship, 

Uounf, Then yon fay we mufl divide at thc^t air- head. 

Bon, Yes, Mr. ihtenflo^, .as the ^yiflg is— At one 
"Rnd of the Gallery lie« my Lady Bountiful and her 
Daughter, aiKl at the other, Mrs. Su,Un-^—K% for the 
*Squire 

Gib. He's fafe enough, I hav« faiily enter*d him, and 
ke*8 more than half Seas over already — But fuch a Parcel 
of Scoundrels are got about him there, that, i-gad, I 
was aOiam'd to be k:en in their Company. 

Bqh, *Tis now Twelve, as the Saying is—- Gentlemen, . 
you mull fet out at One. 

Gih, Hounjhw, do you and Bagfiot fee our Arms fix'd, 
and I'll come to you prefently. 

Hounf. and Bag, We will. [ Fxeuni. 

Gib, Well, my dear Bomy, you aflurc me that Scrub U 
a Coward. 

J5*ff, A Chicken, as theSaying is— — Yon'll have no 
Creature to deal with but the Ladies, 

GH. 



The Beaux SJra/agem. 6 j 

Gii. And I can afTure you» Friend, there's a great deal 
'^f Addrefs and good Manners in robbing a Lady; I am 
the moft a Gentleman that Way that ever travelled the 
^oad— 'But, my dear Bonny, this Prize will be a Galleon, 
a ^i^tf Buijnefs^I warrant you we (hall bring off three Qt 
four thouland Pounds. 

_ B9M^ la Plate, Jewels, and Money, as the Saying is, 
you may. . 

Gib. Why then, Tyhtirn, I defy thee ; I'll get up to 
Town, fell off my Hor(e and Arms, huy myfelf feme 

Eretty Employment in the Law, and be as fnug and as' 
oneft as e'er a long Gown of 'em all. 
B^n, And what think you then o/my Daughter Cktrry 
IforaWife? . 

Gib, Look'e, my dear Bonny — Cherry is the GoJde/s I 
adore^ as the Song goes ; but k is a Majcim, that Man and 
Wifeihould never have it in their Power to hang one an- 
other ; for if they (hould, the Lord have Mexcy upon 
*«m both. lExtuttf, 

Ue End of the Fourth ACT. 

A C T V. 

Enter Mrs, Sullen and Dorlnda. 

SCENE continues. Knocking without. 

Enter Boniface. 

Bon. /^Oming, coming-' A Coach and fix foaming 

V> Horfes at this time o' Night! Some great Man, 
as the baying is, for he fcorns to travel with other Peo-- 
pie. 

Enter Sir Charles Freeman. 
Sif Ch. What, Fellow ! A Public-houfc, and a-bed 
^h«n other People flcep ? 

Bon. Sir, I an't a-bed, as the Saying is* 
Str Ch. I fee that, a« dke Saying is 1 U Mr. Sullen" % 
fasiify^edi think'e? 
« 2 Bon* 



64 ^ifs Beaux Slratagem. 

Bon. All but the 'Squire himfelf. Sir, as the Saying ifj 
he's in the Houle. 

Sir Ch What Company has he ? 

B(.n, Why, Sir, there's the Conllable, Mr. Gagt the 
Excilemar^, the hunch- back'd Barber, and two or three 
othtr Gtnilenien. 

Sir Ch. I find roy Sifter's Letters gave me the true Pic- 
ture of her Spoufe. 

' Enter Sullen drunk. 

Bon, Sir, here's the 'Squire. 

SuL The Puppies left me afleep — Sir. 

Sir Ch. Well Sir. 

SuL Sir, I am an unfortunate Man— I have three thoo- 
fand Pound a- Year, and I can't get a Man to drink a Cop 
of Ale with me. 

SirCh. That's very hard. 

Sul. Ay, Sir — And unlefs you have piry upon me, and 
fmoke one Pipe with me, I muft e'en go home torn/ 
Wife, and I had rather go to the Devi! by half. 

^\xCb. But I prefume. Sir, you won't fee your Wife 
to-night, fhe'll be gone ta bed — you don't ufe to lie with 
your Wife in that Pickle ? 

. Sul. What! not lie with my Wife ! Why, Sir, do you 
take me for an Atheill, or a Rake ? 

Sir Ch, If you hate her. Sir, I think you had better 
lie from her. 

S'uL I think fo too. Friend But I am a Juflice of 

Peace, and muft do nothing againft the Law. 

Sir Ch. Law ! As I take it, Mr. Juttice, Nobody ob- 
ferves Law for Law's fake, only for the good of thofe for 
whom it was made, 

SuL But if the Law orders me to fend you to Gaol,. 
you muft lie there, my Friend. 

Sir Ch Not unlefs I commit a Crime to deferve it, 

Sui. A Crime 1 Oons, a'n't I married ? 

Sir Ch. Nay, Sir, if you call Marriage a Crime, you 
muft difown it for a Law. 

SuL Eh ! 1 muft be acquainted with you, Sir— — 

But, Sir, I fliould be very glad to know the Truth ^f 
this Matter. 

Sir Ch. Truth, Sir, h a profound Sea, and few there 
be that dare wade deep enough to find oat the Bottom 

on't. 



Tie Beaux Stratagem. 65 

tui't. Beficles, Sir, Tin afraid the Line of your Under- 
fianding roayn*t be long enough. 

Smt. Look'e, Sir, 1 have nothing to fay to your Sea of 
Truth— — but if a good Parcel of Land can entitle a 
Man to a litde Truth, 1 h^ve as much as any He in the 
County. 

Bon. I never heard your Worfhip, as the Saying is, 
talk fo much before. 

Sui. fiecaufe 1 never met with a Man chat I lik*d be- 
fore. 

Baift. Pray, Sir, as the Saying is, let me aflc you one 
Qaeilion : Are not Man and Wife one Flefh ? 

Sir C.h. You and your Wife, Mr. Guts, may be one 

Pleih, becaufe you are nothing elfe Bat rational Cfea» 

tores h^ve Minds that muil be united. 

Sul. Minds! 

Sir. Of. Ay, Minds, Sir ; don't you think that the 
Mind takes place of the Body ? 

Su/, In fome People. 

Sir Cb, Then the Intereft of the Maftcr mud be con- 
falted before that of his Servant. 

SuL Ciir, you (hall dine with me To-morrow — Oons, I 
always thought that we were naturally one. 

Sir Cb, Sir, I know that my two Hands are naturally 
one, bscaufe they love one another, kifs one another, 
help.one another in all the Adions of Life i but 1 could 
not fay fo much if they were always at Cuffs. 
. SuL Then 'tis plain that we are two. 

Sir Cb, Why don't you part with her. Sir ? 

Sul. Will you take her, Sir ? 

S'lrCb. Withal! my Heart. 

^ul. You Ihall have her To- morrow Morning, and a 
Vcnifon pafty into the Bargain. 

SirCi. YouMl let me have her Fortune too ? 

Su/. Fortune I why, Sir, I havtf no Quarrel with her For- 
tune— —I only hate the Woman, ^ir, and none but the 
Woman fhall go .v ' 

_ Sir Cb. But her Fortune, Sir — - 
-r Sui. Can you play at Whilk; Sir ? 
" Sir Cb. No, truly. Sir, 

5«/. Nor at All-fours? • 

Sir Cb. Neither. 
r Su/. 



'or 
3l, 



HI 



/ 



66 ^t Beaux Stratagem. 

Su/. Oons! where was this Man bred> i^J^^^I 
me Sir, I can't go home, 'Tis^but two. o'Clock. 

SirC)&. For Ha'f an Hour, ^ii^ if you pleafe 

you mull conficfcr 'lis late. 

Sui. Latei that's the Reafon I can*t go to Bed — 
Come, bir— — J^Ex 

Xfitir Cherry, runs acrafs the Stage , and inocksi at i 
weir J Chambar i9(tr. Eni9r ciimw^Uf in bis Nigh 

and Goivn 

• Aim. What^s the Matter ? Yon tremble Child, y< 
frighrtd ! 

' Cher, No wonder, Sir ^^But i» (hort. Sir, this 

Mihiite a Gang of Rogues are gone ta rob my 
Bountiful' % Houle. 

Jim. How ! 

Cher, \ dogg'd Hm to the i^ry Door, and left 
breaking in. 

Jim, Have you alarm'd any Body elfe with the N 
- Ch&, No, no, Sir, I wanted to have di(cover'< 
whole Plot, and twenty other Things, to your 
Martin ; but I have featrch'd the whole Houie, and 
find him ; where is he ? 

" Aim. No matter. Child ; will you guide me imi 
ately to the Houfe? 

Cher, With all my Heart, Sir; my Lady Bountij 
my Godmother, and I love Mrs. Dorinda {o well — 

Aim, Dorinda ! The Name infpires me, the Glor 
the Danger (hall be all my own— —Come, m^^ Lifl 
me but get my Sword. [£": 

SCENE changes to the Bed-chtmhtr in Lae^ Bouni 

Houfi. 

> Ent^ Mrs. Sullen, and Dorinda, unJre/s'di a Tab 

Lights. 

Dor, 'Tis very late. Sifter, no News of your S 
yet ? 

Mrs. SuL No, I'm coodeinnM to be alone till toi 
Pour, and then perhaps I may be execated with his 
pany. 



The Btaux Stratugtm: 67 

t>^r. Well, mjr Dear, 1*11 leave you to your Rellj 
you'li go dire^ly to Bed, I fuppofe. 
' Mrs. Suh I don't know what to do ; hey-ho ! 

Dor. That's a defi ring Sigh, Sifter. 
« MfS' -SuL This is a languifhing Hour, Sifter. 

Dor, And might prove a critical Minute if the pretty 
Fdiow were here. 

"Mn^SuL Here? what in my Bed-chamber, at two 
o'clock i'th'-Moming, I undrefs'd, the Family afleep, my 
hated huft>and abroad, and my lovely fellow at my Feet 
■ « ■■ O gird, Siller. 

' D-r. Thoughts are free, Sifter, and them I allow > on 
•i — So, my Dear, good Night. [Exit, 

', Mrs. Su/. A good Reft lo my dear />(?r/Wrt— Thoughts 
fr9ef\ arc they 10? Why then fuppofe him here, drels'd 
lik« a youthful, gay, and burn ng Bridegroom, [tiere 
Archer fiea^s out of the C/o/et] with Tongue enchanting. 
Byes bewitching, Knees imploring. [Tur?is a little on ontt 
fide^ ahJ /ees Arche<^ in the Pojiure Jhe de/cribes.'] Ah?* 
\^>hrieks, and runs to the other fide of the Staged Have my 

Thoughts rais'd a Spirit? What are you. Sir, a Man 

. or a Devil ? 

■ y^rck A Man, a Man, Madam. .[^ifftg, 

Mrs. SuL How ftialt I be fure of it ? ^ ^ 

Jrch, Midam, Til give you Demonftration this Minote. 

" [Tahs her Hand. 
Mrs. Sui, What, Sir f do yoa intend to be rude ? 
Jrch. Yes, Madam, if you pleaic. 
Mrs. Sul. In the Name of Wonder, whence came ye ? 
j^rch. From the Skies, Madam^I'm a Jupittr in Love, 
and you (hall be my Alcmena. 
Mrs. Sul. How came you in ? 

Arcb I flew in at the Window, Madam ; your Coufin 
Cupid leat roe his Wings, and your Sifter Fenus has opened 
the Cafement. 

Mrs. Sul. I'm ftruck dumb with Admiration. 
■ Arcb. And I with .Wonder. [Looks pajflonately at her* 
MtSi Sul,. What will become of me ? 

Arch. How beautiful (he looks I the teeming jolly 

Sprin|; fmiles in her blooming Face, and when (he was 

•conceivM, her Mother fmelt to Rofes> lookM on Lillies — 

Vol. II, • O liilit- 



68 ^'he B^aux Straiagnn^ 

Lilliii unfoJd their IVbitCj their fragraui^ CbHtms^ 

When the 'warm Sun thui darts into their Arms* 

XJRmta to her. 

Urs.SuL Ah! [Shrieh.] 

Arch. Oons> Madam, what do you mean ? You*ll raife 
the Houfe. 

Mrs. 5tt/. Sir, Til wake the Dead before I bear thxt— 
What ! Approach me with the Freedoms of 41 Keeper!— 
Pro glad on't, your Impudence has cur'd me. 

Arcb^ If this be Impudence, [Knee/s] I leave to yoor* 
partial felf ; no panting Pilgrim, after a tediou^, painfol 
Voyage, e'er bow'd before hig Saint with more I>evotioB* ' 

Mrs. Sul» Now, now, I'm ruin'd if he kneels. [AJideJ] 
Rife thou profirate Engineer, not all th^ undermmiiig 
Skill (faall reach my Heart. Riiei and kaow-I am»a. Wa#* 
man without my Sex ; I can love to all the Tendefneft 
of Wilhes. Sighs, and Tears — But go no ^farther— Still 
to convince you that Vm zi^ore-^than V/otnahy I can ipMc 
my Frailty, coofefs niy Wcakuefs even for you^^But-;-^ 

Arch, box me \ '[Qshgto^hyhoU^ikr*. 

Mrs. Sul Hold, Sir, build not Upon thai— *-^for rojr. 
mod mortal haired follows, if you difobcy ^wliarlcoDi-^- 
mand you now— leave iiiethis Minute— -—*■ If he denies, 
I'm loiL :• . '-> ^ .. > \/-.ij .: . ;* [id^&, 

Arcb, Then you'll promife— •..»..■ 

Mrs Sa/, Any thing' another time, ' " ac '. 

y/r<3&. When Ihall I come ^ ■ ' ."' i '.' 

Mrs, SuL To-morrow, when you u»jI]. >. .;:. >.' 

Arch, Vour Lips rauft feal the Promife. 

Mrs. 5«/. Pfhaw ? . •• ' -.^ :/< • ' -^^. .• ^..••.. 

Arch. They mull, they muft^ IfCifls .herJ] "-Raft^i 
and Paradife^! And why not now, niy An^^: ^fiie k^iaic, 
the Place, Silence and Secrecy; 'all co<frp&r6-^^'Aiidvdie 
now confcioua Stare .have 'pte-<irdain'd this Moment lor 
my Happinefs. . S • \T'uk$s hm id kis^Armut* 

Mrs. SuL You will not, cannot, lure. .. -^.^.l . ;. 

Arch. If the Sun rides fall, ' and di/appoibts^iot'Mor* 
tals of To-morrow's Dawn, thifr Niglit 41iaU >crowv^'^y 
joys. . • .- .-.'t;.- j\j\ .;a :.■*-,'./. ..-. -:• . » .■ f 

Mrs. 5i//. My 5«^V^d«:ain(t*iei '> ;;vV -a^S . isfij^ 

Arch My Sex'j Sttrengihi-'heild'ri^lLvf ic:"i •: :'wC v^iOir 

Ut:. Sui\ Vou Ihall kill OMi^iitiL 

Arch. 



Tie Beaux Stratagem. 69 

jthrcb. I!U^ie wkh you. [Carrying her 9ff% ' 

Mrs. 5ii/.- Thieves, Thieves, Murder 

. * , E-nttri Scrub in his Breeches j and one Shoe. 
Scrub, Thieves, Thieves, Murder, Popery ! 
M/rTi&rUaJ the very timorous Stag will Kill in Ruttinfir. 
time. [Draivs and offers to ft ah Scrub. 

^€fmi.\^neeling.'\ O pray, Sir, (pare all I have, and 
take s>]|dbife« 

Mrs. Sul [Holding ArcherV Hand.^ What does the 
Fcttsfvoneatti 

iSkimh ,0> Madam, down upon your Knees, yoor 
Maaeaw»-b^oe6-^— he's one of them. 
[iA«]&. Of whom? 

^arut* One of the Rogues— I beg your Pardon, one «f 
the'lioceft Gentlemen that juft now are broke into the 
Khiiie» 
M/v-t. How! 
,>JMrs. Sul, 1 hope ^ou did not come to rob me ? 

jircb. Indeed i did, Madame but I wou'd have taken 
nothing but what you might very well ha* fpar'd ; but 
year crying Thieves, has wak*d this dreaming Fool, and 
fo he takes 'em for granted. 

Scruh. Granted I 'tis granted, Sir; take all we have. 
Mrs. Suf. The Fellow looks as if lie were broke out 
ci Bedlam. 

Scrub, Oons, Madam, they're broke into the Hoofe 
with Fire and Sword $ I faw them, heard them, they'll 
be here this Minute* 
Jrcb. What, Thieves ! 
^rr«^. Under Favour, Sir, I think fo* 
Mn. Suln What (hall we do. Sir ? 
^ri^.-Madaqa, I wi(h your Lady(hip-a good Night, 
lAn^Sul, Will you leav^ me ? 

ijrekk. Leave you ! Lord» Madam, ^id net yon com* 
mand me to be gone juft now, upon pain of your immor- 
tal Hatred. 

Mxs.Sul. Nay, but pray. Sir— [Taiejiboldo/him, 

dtrthf :Ha> ha, h9» now comes my turn to be ravifh'd 

You fee now. Madam, you muft ofe Men one way o» 

other; but uke this l>y the way, ^ood Madam, that 



aone but a Fool wilkgive you the Benefit of his Courage, 

Ox ^m 



^o 7$i Beaux Stratagem. 

.nnlefs you'll take his Love along with it-r— How are they 
arm'd. Friend? 

Scruh. With Sword and Piftol, Sir. 
^ jfrcJIf, Hufh ! — I fee a dark Lanthorn coming, tbro* the 
(Gallery — Madam, be afliir^d I will protedt yo^, or lofe 
'ffliy Life. 

Mrs SmL Your Life ! no. Sir, they can rob me of No- 
thing that 1 value half fo much^ thenefore now^ Sir, let 
me ihtreat you to be gone. 

jfrcJIf, No, Madam, Til confult my own Safety, for 
the Sake of yours ; TU work by Stratagem : Have yon 
sCourage enough to ftand the Appearance of 'em. 

Mrs. Su/* Yes, yes, fince 1 have 'fcap'd your Hands^ 
I'Can face any thing. 

Jrch, Come hither, Btother Strut ; don^t you know 
xnfi f 

Scrub, Eh I my dear Brother, let me kifs thee. 

l&J/es Archer. 
. jfrch. This way — Here- 

[Archer and Scr«b J^ide bthind tbi BitL 

Enter Gibbet, voiith a dark Lanthorn in one Hand^ etnd 
a Piftol in t'other. 

Gib. Ay, ay, this is the Chamber, and the Lady alone. 

Mrs. SuL Who a^e you. Sir i W^at wou'd you have ? 
3>'yc tome to rob me ? 

GUu Rob you ( alack-a-day, Madam, I'm only a 
younger Brother^ Madam.; and fo, Madam, if you make 
A Noife, 1 11 (hoot you through the Head J But don't be 
iifraid. Madam, [^Layimg his Lanthorn and Tifiol upon tha 
^a^e"] Ihefe Rings, Madam; don't be concerned, Ma- 
ddam ; I have a profound Refpedi for you. Madam, your 
Keys, Ma Jam ; don't be frighted, Madam, I'm the 
mA\ of a Gentleman; [Searching her PockeiiJ] This 
Necklace, Madam ; I never was rude <tj any Lady ! I 
1' ve a V eneration— for this Necklace — — f Ar# Archer 
'.{•■jing c::me rounds and fdvCd the Piftol^ /n!^/ Gibbet i^ 
', ..>./•, ir ps up his Hitts, 4uui clufs the Pijiol to his 

\\M prophane Villain, and take the Reward 

.; /.mV, i^ir, don't kill me i I an't prepared. 
2 Jrch. 



The Seaupc Stratagem. f% 

Arch\ How many is there of 'em, ^cruh f 

Strmh\ Five-^and-fortv^ Sir. 

Arcb. Then I mull kill the Villain, to have him out 
ef the way. 

^Ih. Hold f hold ! Sir ; we are but three, upon my 
Honour. 

Jircb, Seruh^ will you undertake to fecure htm \ 

Scrub. Not I, Sir ; kill him, kill him. 

Arch. Run to Gip/ej^s Chamber, there you'll find the 
JDodor ; bring him iucher prefently. 

\^Exit Scrub, running. 
Gome, Rogue, if you have a ihort Prayer, fay it. 

Gib. Sir, I have no Prayer at all ; the Government? 
kas provided a Chaplain to fay Prayers for ns on thefe 
Ocoaiionst 

Mrs, SuL Pray, Sir, don't kill him i-—- You frighc 
me as much as him. 

Arcb. The Dog fhall die. Madam, for being the Oc« 
cafion of my Difappointmentf—- — Sirrah, this Mometttia^ 
your lafi:* 

Gib. Sir, I'll give you Two hundred Founds to Ipar^ 
say Life. 

Arcb, Have you no more, Rafcal ? 

Gib. Yes, Sir, I can command Four hundred ; but I 
ttuft relerve two of 'em to fave my Life at the Seifions. 
Enttr Scrub and Foigard. 

Ar<b. Here, Dodor: I fuppofe Scrub and you, be- 
tween you, may manage him, — Lay hold of him. 

[Foigard lays hold of G ibbpt. 

Gib. What I tum*d over to the Prieft already— I— 
JLook'e, Dodor, you come before your time ; 1 a'n't 
condemned yet, I thank ye, 

Foig^ Come, my dear Joy, I vil fecure your Body and 
your Shoul too; I will make you a good Catholic, and 
give you an Abfolution. 

Gib, Abfolution ! Can you procure me a Pardon, 
Doaor ? 

Foig, No, joy 

Git. Then you and your Abfolution may gp to the 
I>fivil. 

Arcb. Convey him into the Cellar, there bind him.:— 
Take the Pifto],aad if he offers to refill, Ih^ot him thjo' 

tha 



«• 



ji2 The Seatti^' Sfratagem. 

the Heady aad come biack to as with all the Speed youcto* 

Seruk Ay, ay; come, Doflor/ do ^ou hold him hJk, 
and I'll guard him. - ; 

Mrs. SuL But how came the Do^or ? 

JHJ^. In (hort. Madam— ^*— — [Shrieking without,'} 
'Sdeach ! the Rogues are at work' with the other Ladies : 
— i;m vex'd I parted with the Pillol ; *but 1 niuft fly ta 
their AffiAance — Will you ftay here. Madam, or venture 
yoorftlfwith me? 

Mrs, SuL Oh, with yon, dear Sir, With yoa. 

' ' " [TaAes him by the Arm^ and Exeunt. 

SCENE changes ^0 a»oiher Ap^ttment in the fi{me Houfe. 

Emer Hounflow dragging in Lady. Bountifal, «ffi/\Bag(hot 
''^ hauling /> Dbrihda j| the Rogues with S words dranum. 
; Bqs{n» Cbm^ dcrtfte, your Jewels, Millrefs. 
,, ; ^4^.; Xour Keys^'yburJfCeys, old Gentlewoman. 
. i*/ Enter Aitewctl and Cherry; ' " 

^r«J'i^urn'this*\6ay,'yill^ms ; I durft Engage an Army 
ijiji; fucli^aCadre: ; ' ' [He e^gdges *em Both. 

'•X>Qrr'''cytV^dLAim. hatfi buta SvVordtb help the brave 
MahT'^ ■■•■•" • ''■ -■^' - ■•■ ■■ __ • , ^ •-- 

L.Boun, There^s three or four hahgiWg dp in the 
Halli but they Wflii'tdraw>^^FU-ga;f etch one however. 

■ ■' ' ; •=■■ •■"■ -"■■ '- - ' -^ '■ ^ ■■ ■■■ -v T :^^^f^ 
Entii^ Arc^ittand Mfs. Sullen. 

Arch. Hold, hold, my Lord ; every Man his Bird, 
pray. [Tbfy engage Man to Man ; tSk Rogues are thro^Kn 
do^vn and dijarm*d: 

Cher. What ! thie Rogues taken ! then they'll impeach 
my Father ! 1 muft give him timely Notice; /[/?»« ottt. 

Arch. Shall we kill the Rogues.^ 

Arch, No, rio; well bind them. 

Arch, Ay, ay ; here, Madam, lend me- your Garter. 
\To Mrs. Sullen, who ftands by him. 

Mrs. SuL The DeviPs in this Fellow ; he fights, loves^, 
and banters all in a Breath : Here's a Cora that the 
Rogues brought with 'em, I fuppofe. 

Arch, Right, right, the Rogue's Deftiny, a Rope to 

hang himfelf-j— Come, my.Lord,*-r-<bi^ ** ^"* a fcan- 

dalous fort of an Office, [Binding Hhe RogniitopttherJ] if 

our Adventures ''ftonld'end iilthb fort* of flkitgtoAn- 

> jyork ) 



Tie Beaux Stratagem. 7 j 

W6rk; But r hope there is fomething in profpefl thaj— 
[Ehtir Scrub.] Well, Scrub, have you fecurd yo\irTarfdr ? 

icruh. Yes, Sir» I left the Prieil and him difputing 
about Religion. 

Jim. And pray carry thefe Gentlemen to reap the Be- 
nefit of the Controverfy, \J)eUvers the Prifintrs to Scrub, 
fwbo k&di 'tm out, 

Mrs. Sal, i'ray, Siuer, how came my Lord here / 

Dor, And pray, how came the Gentleman here?. 

Mrs, tul. rjl tell you the greateft piece of Villainy— 

\1 hiy talk in dumb She^. 

Jim. I fancy, Arthtr, you have been more fuccefsfol 
it your Adventbres than the Houfe-breakers, 

Jr^b. No matter for my Adventure, yours is the prin« 
cipal.— Prefs her this Minute to marry you^ — now vylii'e 
(he's hurried between the Palpitation of her Fear, and 
the Joy of her Deliverance, now while the Tide of htr 

^ Spirits are at'Hlgh-flbod ; thirow yourfcif at her Feet, 

ipeak fome romantic Nonfenfe or others ^a4drera her, 

'lik» 'Jlexkndir^ in the height of his Viftory, confound 
her Senfes, bear down her Keaibn, and away with hert 
—The Pried is now in the Cellar, and dare not refufe 
to do the Work;^ . , ^ 

J?ff/^r £tf^ Bountiful. 

jtimi But 'hxro^ ftiall t get off'mthout being obfcrvM ? 

Jrcb. You a Lover! sgid not £nd.a waytogeroff— 
Let me fee. ^ . " • , ■ ^ 

Jim. YoM^^tdLJrehir. 

Jrcb. 'Sdcath, i*m g'ad on't ; this Wound will do the 
Bufineis — ^ Til amufe the old Lady and Mrs, Sullen about 
dreffing my Wound, while you carry off Dorinda. 

L. Boun, Gentlemen, cou'd we underftand how yoa 
wou'd be gratified for the Services-—— 

Jrcb, Come, come, my Lady, this is no time for Com- 
pliments ; I'm. wounded. Madam. 

L.-Boun, and Mrs. SuL How I wounded I 

Dar. I hope, Sir, you have received no hurt ? 

Jim, None but what you may cure 

. . ^ . , [Mabes Le*ve in dumb Shew. 

L. Boun. LjCt me fee your Arm, Sir — -1 moft have fome 
Pa^der^fugar to flop the Bl^d •— «-* O mci an ugly Gafh 
upon my wbrd^ Sir, yon muft gointo Bedi 

O4 Arcb. 



74 31^ B^aux Stratagem. 

Jub. Ay, my Lady, a Bed wou'd do very well 

Madaflit [loMtj. Sullen] will' you do me the Favour to 
conduct me to a Chamber? 

L. Sornn. Do, do, Daughter,— —while t get the Lint, 
and the Probe, and Plaifter ready. 

IRutts cui one way, Aim well carries off" Dorinda another. 

Arch. Come, Madam, why don't you obey your Mo- 
ther's Commands ? 

Mrs. ^uL How can you, after what is paft, haye the 
confidence to afk me? . . 

Arch, And if you eci to that, how can you/ after what 
is paft, have the Confidence tp denv me ?-— ^ Was not this 
Blood fhed in your Defence, and my Life expos'd for 
. your prote£lion ?— Look'e,A Madam, Tm none of your 
. TOfl^antic fools, that fight Giants and Mongers for No- 
ting ; my Valour |s aownright ^<u;(/} ; I, am a Soldier 
. of I^rtune, and mvft be paid. 

Mra.^f/. ^is ungenerous in ybui Sif, to upbraid at 
witi your Services. ^ ; . 

^ch,, n^is .ungenerous in you. Madam,* juot to re* 
waird 'em. 

Mrs. ZiiL How ! at the Bxpence of my Honour. 

Arch. Honour! Can Honour cdnfift with 'Ingratitude ? 
if yon would deal like a Woman of Honour, do like a 
Man of Honflyor : .P'y« itiink I wouI4 deny yeu in fuch 
aCafe? ; ■ 

Euter a Str*uant, 

Ser. Madam, my Lady ordered me to tell you, that 
your Brother is below at the Gate. 

Mrs Sul. My Brotoer ! Heavens be prais*d — Sir, he 
ihall thank vou for your Services ; he has. it in his Power, 

Arch. Who is your Brother, Madam ? 

Mrs. Sul. Sir Ch. Freeman! You'll cxcofe me. Sir; 

I muil go and receive him« 

Arch. Sir Charles Freeman i *Sdeathand Hell! My 

old Acquaintance. Now, unlefs Am^meli has made good 
ufe of Ills Time, all.our fair Machine goes fouze into the 
Sea, like an £^//?0irf . [Exit* 

SCENE changes to the Gallery in the fame Houfe. 

Enter Aimwell and Dpri^ida; 
Dcr. Wefl, vyeUi my Loid» }ou I^avs conquefV; 

youp 



Tbi Seitux Sirafagm. ^3 

^ur Itle generous Adb'on will. I hope, plead for my 
eafy yielding; tho' I muft own, your Lord(hip hM ft 
Friend in the Fort before • 

Jim, The Sweets of Hyi/a dwell upon her .Tongue— 

Here, Do^or *■ 

Enter Foiffard tviti^ m B9ck, 

/c/^. Are you prepared boat? 

DoK Fm ready: But firft, my Lord, one-Word— — I' 
have a frightful Example of a hafly Marriage in my 
ow^Famify; when I refleft upon*c, ii (kockv me. Pray^ 
my Lord, confider a little . 

Jim, Confiderl Do you doubt my Hononr» or my Liove ? 

Dcr, Neither : I do believe you equally Juil as Brave 
—And were your whole Sex drawn out for me to chufe, !• 
ihculd not caft a Look upon the Multitude if you were 
abfent— But» my Lord, I'm a Woman ; Colours, Con* 
cealments may hiJe a thoufand Faults in me— Therefore 
Icnow me better firii ; 1 hardly dare aiHrm I knew myr 
fclf in any thing except my Love. 

Aim% Such Goodoefs who c^uld injure ! I find m^felfun- 
equal to the Talk of Villain ; flie has gained my Soul« and 
made it honed like herown'^I canoot hurt her [^^i^.] 
Do£\or, retire. [E;fcit, Foigard.] Madam, behold your 
Lover and your Profelyte, &nd judge of my PaiCon i>y 
my Conveifion I'm all a Lie, nor dare 1 give a. Fic- 
tion to your Arms; I'm all a Counterfeit, except my 
Paflion. 

Dor. Forbid it. Heaven? A Counterfeit! 

Aim. I am tiO LX)rd, but a poor needy Ma;n, come 
with a mean, a fcandalous Deiign to prey npon your 

Fortune : But the Beauties of your Mind and Perfon 

have fo won me from myfelf, that, like a truily Servant, 
I prefer the Intcreft of my Miftrefs to my own; 

Dor. Sure, I have had the Dream of feme poor Mari- 
per, a flceping Image of ^, welcome Port, and wake in- 
volv'd in Storms. — ^Pray, Sir, who are you ? . 

Aim. Brother to the Man whofe Title I ufurp'd, but " 
Stranger to his Honour or his Fortune. • 

Dor, Matchlefs Honefty 1 — Once 1 was proud,- Sir, of 
your Wealth and Title, but now am proudi?r that you 
want it: Now I can ihew, my love was juftly levelled, 
and had na Aim but Love. Dodlor, coa>e in. 

O 5 ; Mnier 



%$ the Beaux Stratagem. 

Enter Foigard ^ one Doori Gipfcy at atiotiir, ^ha nnifif' 
^yv;. ^^sJOldrinda* ;. - 

Your Pardon, Sir ; .we iha'n't want you now. Sic— 
Yott mtift excufe me— 1*11 wait on you prefe^Uy. 

Fw^. Upon my Sljtoul; now,.di8irfi)Oli(h. [ExU* 
Aim. Gone S: and.Uidthe Prkftjacpart'— It has an omi» 
nous Look. - .-^-X 

. :■ ;•• ' .• • • ;X\ \. I'l^tet ta^ti . \ ..-- ; 1 .-■'.. 
Arch. GouragCi Toot—— Shall' I wilh jtotti|iiy»i:i;: 
AimJlfiKi. .<.■■■'■' '•••':^ /-; .-'■; .:.-'' 

Arch. Oons I Manf> what haT^yoftb^i^^ ^ / : 
Aim. Oh, AtchiTt my Hoficfty, 1 ffiii-> :1mu ruia'd me. 

■ ^ffit*:: Ho^ t' . V : .". - i ;■ .,■.■'.;•■■'•:...'. iT . "■ ; 
Aim. I have difcover*d myfelf:! — ^. — ; 

Arch. Difcover'd^r .And withoattfyCkattfiatti-Whatf 
Have 1 embarked my fmall Remains in -thedfim^ B^ittom 
with yours, and you difpofe of'^l rwitbont :iAy^ Fanner- 

///«» 0;.Arftir, I'owi^.niy^Faolt. ; 

' Arf^> cAfter Convi<h*onr?^*Ti« tl^eh too late f6r PardbB- 
>— r — yoo.ijiay rem^hibcrgrlffr* Jimweit, that yop t>ro*- 
. MsM tlus Folly-T-Afiyott begun, ro;eod it^t-itehccuMth 
. 1^11 hnntimy FprtiM%f'7u)g?er-r— Sq Arew:el.\.or . iou.; . 
^0i> Stay, my'^j^i/rriir,- Jii^aMm^ a:: .'; 

^ ^ ^ry*.,.§tey,|r>WiMrt, ,toj ;,te defpiVd* «;xpOi'd. and 

laiigh'd ^t! No! I^v^ouklibpiner change^rC^nditidns 

r tyi^VtJM^prft^of .4he]^ogvics:..w(9 jod n<iw*hQ0TKi»^aa> 
bear one fcornful Smile from the. proud Knight that oiyce 
treated as my Bqua). . 
Aim. What Knight \: 

JifcK.S[r^^i^ar/efgrefma9i,'Btoth9f: to^the Lady that li 
had alm'^ft^^jii: ncrmii|tter,fbr |h(9.i^ >^tis a curfed Night's 
Work, atod/ot leave you to make the |^ cin*t. . . 

yAim^ iVff«f«»/**«,— One Word, -Archer., StiJl I have 

Hopes ; niediLoaght (he receiv'dmy Confeffion with plda- 
•■fare* '.,•;. 

^rr^. 'Sdeath^ who doubts it ? 
Aim. She confented after to the Match; and ftill I dare 
hslieVe (be will be juflu 
-. ■ Arch 



The Beaux Stratagem. 77 

. ^ch. To herfelf, I warrant her, as yoa (hould have 
been. 

Jim. By all my Hooes (he comes, and finilling comes. 
Entir Dorinda mi^htjgaj. 

D§r. Come, my dear Lord-— —I fly with Impauence 
to your Arms.— I'he Minutes of my Abfence was a tedi« 
OQS Year. Where*i this Priefl ? 

Enttr Foigard. 

Arth, Oons, A brave Girl ! 

D9r, I fuppofe* my Lord, this Gentleman is privy to 
ourAflfairs? - 

Jrcb. Yes, yes. Madam, I'm to be your Father. 

D§r. Come, Prieft, do yoor Office. 

Arth. Make hafte, make hafte 1 couple *em any way, 
\Takis Aim well*/ HaM4l.'\ Come, Madam, Vm to give 
yot t ■ ■ ■ 

Dor. Uy Mind'l altered ; I won't. 
. Anh. £ii^44-^ 

Aim. Tm confonnded. 

Foig. Upon my Shoul, and fo is myihelf. 

Arch. What^s the Matter now, Madam, 

D^. LookV, Sir, one generous A^on deferves an- 
other.— -——This Gentleman^s Honour obliged him to 
Iksde nothing from me; my Jeftice engages me to 
conceal oothmg fEOmiJbim: In fliort. Sir, you are the 
Ferfi>».that you thon^ht;yoa counterfeited ; you are the 
- Lord Vifconnt w^//iiacW/,vind'I wlfkyoor Lordihip Joy^. 
Now, Prieil, you mav be^ene ; if my Lord is now 
«ka^^d with the Match, let thielonUhip marry me in the 
Face of the World. 

Aiyn, Archer^ What does (he mean?. 

Dor. Here's a Witncfs for my Truths 

inttr. Sir Charles tmJ Mrt. Sniten. 

Sir Cb. My dear Lord Aianmtli I wifityoa Jby. 

Aim. X)f what } 

Sir. Ch, Of your Honour and ERate. Yonr Brother 
'6ied the Day before I left London % and all your Priends 
have writ after 'you to Bru£el$ ; among the reft i did my- 
felf the Honour. 
■■■ vfrfA. HearkV, Sir Knight, don't you banter now ? 

Sir Qk. 'Tis Truth, upon my Honour. 



yt The Beaux Siratagem. 

Jim» Tbanki to the pregnant Stars that form'dthii 
Accident. 

jtrtb. Thanks to the Womb of Time that Iroaght it 
forth ; away with it. . 

jiim. Thanks to my Gaardian Angel that led me to 
the Prize— [Taking DoriodaV Hani, 

Arch. And doable Thanks to the nobk Sir Cbarlts 
Freeman, My liOrd, I wtih you Joy. My Lady, i wifh 
you Joy.-—— — I gad, Sir Fneman^ youVe the honoileit 
Fellow living -— 'Sdeath, Tm gw^rn flraBgely 4iiiy <apon 

this Matter My Lord, how d'ye ?— A iWdrd. my 

Lord : Don't you remember romething of a previous 
Agreemen;, that entitles me to the Moiety of this Lady's 
Fortune, which, I think, will amount to fiv^ thonfand 
Pounds ? 

Aim, Not a Penny, Archer: You would iia*^iit my 
Throat jull now, becaofel would iaot deceive this Lady. 

Arch. Ay, and I'll cut your Throat ftill|~ff|yoti fhould 
deceive her now, ^. ; ; . . .'•. 

Aim. That's what I exped ; and' to end the Dilpnte,^ 
the Lady's Fortune is Ten thoafand Pounds^ we'll. di«- 
▼ide Stakes i take the Ten thoufand Pounds, or the 
Lady. 

D§r, How ! is your Lordfhip fo indifFertot ? 

Arch. No, no, no,. Madam, iiieiiiordihip. knows vesy. 
well, that 111 uke thie Money^;iiTieave you to hiSiLord- 
•ihip, fo we'^e both pvovideil.ilbr. . / . 

£«/ie^oigard« 

Foigi Afahfait^>do People do fay you.be all. rohb'di. 

Aim. The Ladies have been in fome Danger, Sir, as 
you faw. 
Foig, Upon my Shoul our Inn be rob too.. 
^/>«. Oar ina ! By whom-? 

^Foig. Upon my Shalwation, our Landlbrd Jias robb*d. 
'Jiimfeir, and run away wid da Money. 

w^rri&. .RobVd himfelf! . 

Foig, A fait ! and me too of a hundred Pound8«r 
Arcft. Robb'd you of a hundred Pounds ! 
Foig, Yes fait Honey, that I did owe to him». 
Aim. Our Money's gone, FranU 

Jrch 



The Be/tux Stratagem . 7f . 

Jixh. Rot the Money, mv Wench ii gone^^Mna^ 
ca'um vous quefqui cbofi it madamoifilU Cheriy ? 
EntiT a Fellow with mfir9Ug Bii$ ami m Ufttr^ 

FiL Is th;re one i(/ar/f»here ? 

^rch. Ay, ay,— who wants him f 

fi/. I have a Box here and n Letcer for him. 

Wrc/f. [Tah'fit the Box.'] Ha, ha, ha, what^s here? 
ererdemamJ By this Lights my Lord, our Money again 
* Burets Pinfolds the Riddle.- [O/^n/ff^ thi iHter^ rra//.1 

Ium» hu8i».havi O, ^is lor the puhlic <Sood, tnd 

luftbe cmnmunicattd to the CoiAjp^any. 

Mr. Martia^. 
I^lv Fatbir-bihgaftutJ of am Imptachmtfit Ij thi lUgtm 
thai an ukin /•-»i>l/, is gone off\ hut if you cun- 
rocure iim'ja Fardom^ bili make great U{Jc9veries that may 
t vfeful to ibi Qountiry : . CouU I have met you infiead of 
7ur Mafier tif-nigbt, I iioould have ded*ver d myjelf into 
our Hands, *witb a,Sufli that much exceeds that in your 
rong Boxt *wbicb I have fent you^ wtb an ^Jfuranu to 
ty dear Mattin*,^^/ IJhaH ever be his mofi faithful Friend 
ill Death, Cherry Boniface* 

"here's a Billet-doux for you— As for the Father, I think 

e ought to be encouraged, and for the Daughter 

'jray, my Lord, perfuade your firide to take her into her 
ervice mftead of Gipfey. 

Jim. I oAn -fitbiTe you, Madam, your Deliverance was . 
wing to her Difcovcry. 

Dor.' Your Command, my Lord, will^ do without the.- 
)bligation. I'll take care of her. 

Sir Cb. This good Company meets opportunely in fa- 
our of a De(ign I have in behalf of my unfortunate 
ifter: 1 intend to part her from her Hufband— Gentle 
Lemen, will you a0iil me ? 

Jrcb. Affift you ! 'Sdeatb, who would not }- 

Mmg^jAy, upon my Shoul, we'll all alhift. 
Enter Sullen. 

SuL What's 4111 this? They tell me, Sponfe, that 

m'fand like t) have been robb'd. 

Mrs. Swi. Truly, Spoufe, I was pretty near it-^«-Had 
tOt thefe two Gentlemen interposM. 

Sml. How came thefe Gentlemen here ? 
Z Mrs. Sul. 



So J^te Beaux Stratagem: 

Mrs. SmL Tbafs hir way of returning Tbcnki« yoa 
mod know. 

Fo^. Ay, but upon my Confhience de Qneftion be 
apropo for all dat. 

SirCi^. You promis*dlail Night, Sir, that you woold 
deliver your Laidy t> me this Morning. 

ok/. Humph. 

Jrcb. Humph 1 What do^ you mean by Humph ?— -« 
Sir, you Hull deliver oer :^Iq (hort, Sir, web^vc favM 
YOU and your Family ; and if voa arc not civiU we*U ua« 
bind the Rogues, join with em, and fct Fire to yow 
Houfe-— Whatd es the Man mean? Not part with his Wife! 

fo$g,.Araih, not part wid your Wife! Uj^on my Shool 
de Man dofh not underhand common Shivihty. 

Mn, Sul. Hold, Gen lemen, a-l' Things here muft 
move by Confcnt; Compulfioa would fpoil ua : Let nj 
Dear and I talk the Matter over, and you (hall judge it 
between us- 

Sul. Let me know firft who aie to be on/ Jiidgct :^^^ 
Pray, Sir, who are you ? 

SirC^. I am Sir Cbaries Frummm come toiakrawij 
your Wife. : 

Sul. And you, pood Sir? 

Jlim, CharUs \ ifcount Aimnueilf come to take, awty 
your Sirtcr. 

Sui. And you, pray Sir ?" I 

^rch, Francis Archer, Efq; come'i' ■■ j 

^uL To take away my Mother, I hope — Gentlemei, 
you arc heartily welcome : I never met with three more 
obliging People fince I w.is born— And now, my Deal, 
ii you plcafe, you (hall have the firll Word. 

Arch. And the lad, for five Pounds. \;Ajik 

Mrs. Sul. Spoufe. 

^uU Rib. 

Mrs. SuL How long have you been married? 

Sul. By the Almanack, fourteen Months ;-«*bnt by'ttf 
Account, fourteen Years. 

Mrs. Sul. ' ris thereabout by my Reckoning' 

Fc-g. Ui.on my Conlhience dcre Accounts vil agrCVri 

Mr-s. 6W. Pray, Spoufe, what did you marry foii- 

<V«/. To get an Heir to my £ftate. 

biiCI?, And have you fucccedffd /. 

M 



The Beaux Stratagem. 77 

. Atcb. To herfelf, I warrant her, as jroa (hould have 
been. 
Jim. By all my Hooes (he comes, and ftnilling comes. 
Entiruoriii^Si mighty ^aj» 

Dmr. Come, mv dear Lord 1 ny with Impauence 

to your Arms.— 1 he Minutes of my Abfence was a tedi- 
OQsYear. Where*i this PrieA? 

Entir Foigard. 
drch^ OonSy A brave Girl ! 
Dor.. I fuppofc, my Lord, this Gentleman is. privy to 

our .Afiifs I 

Jrcb, Yes, yes» Madam, Vm to be your Father. 
Dor. Cone, Prieft^- do your Office. 

- Jdftb. .Make.hafte, make hade 9 couple *em any way, 
\Takis Aim well*/ Hanil.'\ Come, Madam» Tm to give 
yott " ■ > ■ 

/ />or; My MiftdY altered $. I won'u 

- Aim. Vm confounded.' 

f|pi(f « Upon my Shoul, and fo is myihelC 
Jrch. What^s the Matter now. Madam, 
.to'; Dor. Look*e, Sir, one generous A^off defetves an« 
Other . ' ■ ' i '—This Gentleman^s Honour obliged him to 
^^sde nothing froA me; my Juftice ehgage^ me to 
conceal ootluo^ fcbmiJhim : In ihott. Sir, you are the 
I^eribniithat you thon^^yoa «aun«^icited ; you are the 
• Lx3rd Vifconnt JimweJi,^.4Kii^Al wifli your Lordihipjoy^^ 
^ Now^> Pried, you may. ber^^^ime ; if my Lord is now 
tWl^si^'d with the Match^ letihit LohUhip marry me in the . 
Face of the World. . 

Jiin. Archer^ What does (he mean ?. 
Dor. Here's a Witnefs for my TruthU 

. itw^n^ir tharleS'tfiiViJlff^,3iilkii. 
Sir Off. My de&r Lord AimvM^l nd&yoii ^^\ . 
I' Aim.<iMiv9hit^''' '-I'' -:.-'\:,->- " '/; 
^^ Sir. Ck Of your Hibatror -and ERate.* Yonr Brbthtff 
'died the Dxy before 1 left lofidott^ and fA^yonrl^riends 
have wrh after fyoii xa'BruJ/ehi amongtht-xeft I did my'? 
fclf the Honour. ' '."''.. 

virf4.'^HearkV; Sir Knight,:* donHyoti banter Aow ? 
Six Ch. *Tis Truih, nponmyHOnoor.*^ "' ' 



7? 5f*^ Seaux Siratagem. 

AkHi 'thzxik^ to tkcf pregiKant Starfi^that formM^this 
Accident. 

Jreb, T.hanka to tlic Wonib of T5me that Irooght it 
forth ; away with it. . ^ ' 

Mm. Thanks to myiiaardiha An^l that led vt^ to 
the Prize— — [Taking "Dom^^ s Ha»^. 

Arch. And doable Thanks to- th& noble Siv CbmU$ 
Freeman. My Lord, I wifh you J^y. My Lady, 1 wifh 

you Joy.*; 1 gad, Sir Fruntan^ you're the Jbosbllell 

Ifelloi^ livilkg — -^d«ath» Tav girt>^rn draiis^Jy iaijyHlpon 

this Matter^ My Lord, how d'ye ?— A i.Wdrd» i«jr 

Lord : Don't you retnember (bmething 4)f <a .ppeVious 
Agreeniei\^» that entitles me totkeftdbiecy^of'this.'Lttdy'a 
Fortune, which, I think, will amouiit to &ik tkottfand 
'pounds ? ; ■ •'• M. . ■ V- » 

Aim. Not a Penny, Archer: You would W«€«t niy. 
Throat jud now, becanfet would indt'tiedrivf lchi9d^dy. 

Arch. Ay, and I'll cut your Throat Ai^£f{)ro^^.iliould- 
deceive her now. . : . f . ..licj u^' -. . - W 

Aim. That's W]|at lexped ; and.lo. cnd^^hi IM(pkite»^ 
the Lady's Fortane is Ten tj^afiwd j^nds^ we'U.di*. 
^de Stakes I take the Tea thoufand Pounds, -or th« 
'Lady. '■■■<■ ...- -.•'. — . . 

lUr. How! is your jLor^fhip^ To i«iUflren}atf: . 

Ar€h. No, no, iio^.Madaai,d^iiri4ioniflup'iciiQiiiaS)Areiy. 
•well^ that I'll takcttrisMoiie^Jd^eaye you.tO'iiiai<Lflrd- 
•ihip> 'fo^^lre botti )^i()e4ip[^n^ :\. ;:w.;;' /I ^ 

l%ir>r •Arak.faiijfide Beipltf 3o;iay ■;otf.bc:fdl fobfa'-^i^ 
Joy., : / -i 

^i>v. TheLaditshttvcihsen in fooie Dangcr> Six, aa. 
youfawr .. . .\ .... 

/*0(f. Upn.in^SBiiui4M]rJniiberobtoo«. 

Foig. tJpon xnyShalwatioHy our LaniUbcJiUi r0bb*d. 
^Masm^'' m»i r\m:akiy^vitid ^u Mioiicmi - X^ ^ 

jrfr^;::itatflfti3riaifclfl. ; ( . v. L« • j :. 

f!^^* A Autf^andme tooof abvQdced^Pboadi*^^ . 1 
j^rr^*. Robb'd you of ajiundred Pounds ! 
Foig. Yes fiit H^ty, thzt 1 did owe to Jiim*. : 
w^/>fi. OurMoney*sft;onff| fy««jU. 



The Beam Stratagem . jnf; 

^ jfixJ^^'Rot the Money, my Wcnchis gobe^MMM^ 
Scavex 'vous qttelque cbo/t kg MadamoifilU Cherry ? - 
Entvr a Fellow with m flr^^g B^iH and m Uttfr* 
Fil. Is th^re one ikfar/f»heref ' 

Jrch, Ay, ay,— who wants him f 
pel, I h^ve a Box here and a Lietcer for him. 
^rch, [Taking the Box."} Ha, ha, ha, whaOs here? 
* Le^erdennainJ By this Light-, my Lord, our Money agaio ^ 
.i-^Bott^ts^irtrolds the Riddle.. fO/zif/ff^ thi Later, V^ads.^ 
•Hudi,^huiB»:lHnn — ^O; ^9 for the pHsblk Qoodj, -ihiii . 
intift.be unnmunicaied to^ the CoiAjwy. ^ - ^ 

. Jlri'Martw*. ••,.., 

^^/f^' ^^^h^^^'^^^S'^fi^^^ ^f ^^ Imp€achmept,lj the li§gtatf: 
tbfii are taken tt-ni^t, is gone off% tut if yon cafti 
fxocure him a Pardon^ bdil make great Uijeoviries that, mw^ 
teu/efultg $hfQQUittrj :. CouU I have met you infiead of 
''jou¥ Mafier to night i I *would have deliver* d, myjelf inlp 
j<>ur. Handle viitb a ^Snfn. that much exceeds that in your 
Jrong Box\ *which'I have fent you, with an j^Juran^tto 
. my dear Majjtio^^iv/. ,/^«tf evee hi. his. moft faithful Friend ■ 
till Deaths' ^ Cherry Bomiface* 

There's a Billet-doux for you— A* for the Father, I think . 

*iie ought' to be encouraged, and- for the Daughter ^■ 

Fxsiy» mv Lord, perAiade your firide to take her into her 
Service mftead of Gipfeyi 

Aim. I oto-a&re yott^ M^^'^'i)' y^f Deliverance wat> 
.•wing-aober Difcovcry^ 

:• i>0r.)iVimr Command^ my Lord,: wil^ do without thie> 
,Oblig^tionc 1*11 take care of her. 

SirCi&. This good Companv meets opportunely in* fa- 
vour .of a De(ign I have in behalf of my unfortunate 
Sifter: 1 intend to part her from her Hufband— -Gentle^ - 
tlemen, will you afliil me ? 

Arch. ^Affift-yeu ! 'Sdeatb, who would not r- 
•^ r. fflirgfu Ay^ Q|»iii my Shoul; we'll all aihift.. 
£«/^ Sullen rf 
^li/. Vi?|i8t?8 ill- ^hisi^-^They tell me, Spooii^ thafc 
jmaif^ilike t) have been robbed. 

Mrs. fiwfc Ttulyj Spoufe^ I was prettynear it^— -Had . 
not thefe two Gentlemen interposed. 

SuL How came thtfrrGantfemcn^ Jhere \ 
,\..l Mrt, ^ul. . 

^" i * ■» « r \ .' ^■. 



[ 84 J 



SONG of a Trifle- . 
Sung by Archer in the Third A^. 



A Trifling fong yoa Jhmll bimi^^ 
Begun with a Trtjk mmi imiii^ 
All Tripng Ffple dra*w marr 
AnilJballhiuMyMtndid. 

Wire it not for Trifles^ a fivSf 
That lately ha ve come into P/aj^'t 

Tie Mn 'wouUtnvaiktJiikMbiiit to io4 ' 
And the Women ^want fimetiing tofaf* 

What makes Men trijffU in 1>»*effingf 
Becaufe the Ladies (they knfwj 

Admire, hy often Pojfftffing^ 
That eminent Trifle a Bean* 

When the Lover his Moments has trifled^ 
The Trip of Trifles to gain : 

No focner the Fir gin it rifled^ 

But a Triflle frail fart *em again. 

What mortal Man nvotJd he able 
At White's Haf an Hour to fit? 

Or ivho could bear a Teatabh, 

IVithout talking of Trifles for Wit F 

The Court is from Trifles fecuret 
Cold Keys ate no '1 rifles, 'iKe fee : 

White Rods are no Trifles^ 1 mfun^ 
Whatever their Bearers may be* 



H 



^he Biaui$ Strdtagm. - * f f 

Sid. No. 

Arch,^ The Condition ^Is of bis Side— Pay^ Madam^ 
what did yoo many for ? 

Mrs. 5»/. To fupport the Weaknefs of my Sex by the 
.Stteasth of lus» and to<^joy. the Pleafores of: an agree^ 
able Society, 

Sir Cb. Axe yonr Expedatioas ai^wer*d ? 

M«. 4W. No. 
' Fing^ Ankiy. Hone)^^ a ckarC4ale» a deai^Caafq ! * 
r. SirG&« Whatarr^tbe Aui to your mutual CootenU 
imentii •• .. • 

Mrs. SuL I» tiie firft places I caaY drink. Ale «ab 
fcim. 

^uL Nor caa I drtak.Tea with ber» 
.. cMrs. ^«/. . I can't hunir with you. 
: 5W. Nor caa \ dance with. yon. . . ;.. 

^Mcs. W. IlnteCockiog aad.Racingi!': . ^s '/. 

tjd* And I abhor. Ombre and Picquet; <.. j v;.^? . 

MiSi 5a/. Your Sikncc ia intolerable. ^?. 

^a/. YoarPrating^is worfe.. 
> Mrs. Sul. Hava wr jr>^ beea a atrpetoal OSence to 
each other— A enawing Vulture at the Heart \ ;; 

SuU A frightful Gobling to^tht Si^ht. 
■ryMt9^ Sul. APoccupine^o tteFeeling. . 

SuL Perpetual Wormwood to the Tafte. 

Mrs. SitL h there on Earth a Thing we can agjreaia ? 

Sui. Yes- ■ to jNPfc 
. T Mrs.^^ic;. With all my Hearts 
. &/v YourHand^ 
; Mrr.^a/. Herei - x. 

Su/. Thefe Hadds jainU as^ thefe fkall f^n t »■ ■>■ 
A<t8 y , ■i.ucjr. ./- . -. * 

Mrs. 5«/. North. i (.; ^ ./: 

SuL South. 

Mrs. 5«/. JBarifc*.. . " 
^ ^. Waft ; . far ai^the PolH afimder. 
/^^^. Upon my Shoul, . a very.pvetty Sheremony^. 

Sir Ci&: Now; Mriiv//air/ there wants only mySifler'i 
FoftQVie.tQ make us ex£Y^ 

SuL Bii^Charkti yon Jose your Siflerj and I love' her 
Toitune ; every one taihis Fancy. . 

jinh. Thcnyou^won'^iiefood^'' ' 



'^ J2:^ The Beaux Stratngim 

Sttl. Not a Sliver. 

jfrcb. What ia her Portion ? 

Sir Ch, Tea thoufand Poonds, Sin 

j^^'Tnm h :;fiiy tbrd, 1 thank him, has enable*' 
nt, andV the Lady j^eal^ Ihe (haH go home with me. 
This Night'3 Adventure has prov'd ftrangely lacky tO m 
all — For Captain Gihhtt in his Walk, has made bold, 
Mr. Sullen^ with your Study aud Efcri'tore, and has taken 
-out all the Writings of your Eflate, all the Articles of 
Marriage with your Lady, Bills, Bonds, Leafes, Re- 
ceipts, to an infinite Value; 1 took *em frgo^ him, and' 
I ddifcr thera to Sir Cj^ir/w.. 

[Gives him a Pareei of Papers and P.arehtneMsa 

SitL Howj my Writings ! my Head akes confumedly. 
—Well, Gentlemen, you fhallhave her Foitunc, but I 
can't talk. If you have a mind,^ Sir Cbarles\ to be merry, 
and celebrate my Sifter's Wedding and my Divorce; you 
may command my Honfe ! but my Head akes confum- 
edly t—5rrK^, bring me a Dram. 

Arch. Madam \fo Mrs, S.uU ] there-s a Country-dance 
ao the Trifle that I fung to-day ; yoor Hand, and we'Il^ 
>lead it up, ' 

Here a Ddnei. . 

Arch. *TwoqM be hard.to guefi which of thefe Parties' 
is the better pleas'd, the Coap]« joinVi, or the Coupl»^ 
parted^ the one rejoicing iti hopes of an untafted Happi*- 
n'efs, and the. other in their Deiirerancefeom an ^pe-^ 
lienc'dMifery. 

Both happi in their fefveral States^ nnefind: 
^hofe.partid hf Con/ent, and tbrfo^ conjoin* d^' 
Con/ent, t/mufual, /ofves the Lawyer s Fee y. 
Con/ent is La*w enough to/etjouftig. 

IhiEndofthe.TiftbkQ'V. , 



AN 



t ^3 3 



A N 

EPILOGUE. 

Defign'd to be fpoke ih the Beaux Stratagm^ 



JF to our Play jour'JmifftiM taJtiihm^ 

•* Lot its expiring ji^thor Pity foul.: 

Survey its mourt^ul Cafe njoitb melting Eyet^ 

Uor let the Bard hi damned hifbro hi diou 

Fot bear you Pair^ on bis'laft Stone tofr9<wnf 

But bis true Exit ivitb a Plaudit crv'Oon \ 

^beujhall the dying Poet eeaftH>femr > 

Tif dreadful KmU^ nubile your affUmfe he bears*. 

Jt LtVLdxzfo the Conquering Theban ^V, 

Claimed bis Friends Praifes, hut their fears detrfdz 

Pleas' din the Pangs of Deaths he greatly thought 

Conquefl m)itb Loji of Lift hut cheapfy bought. 

The Difference this, the Greek njuas one luou'dfght. 

As brave, tho* not fo fay, ds Serjeant Kite : 

Te Sens of Will'/, ivbat^s that to tbofe nvbo isjrite I 

To Thebes alone the Grecian ova* d his BAys^ 

Tou may the Bard above the Hero raife^ 

Since yours is greater than Athisnian Praiji^ 



S ON Q, 




SONG of /a Trifle. :.. 
Sung by Archer in 'the Tbiri ASt^ 

A Trifling Softg yoM JJMlh&mu \ 
Begun with a TnJU mfidindid^ 
Ml Trifling People draw near^^ . ' 

And Ifl^dl hi nobly atUndid. 

\-\-: »v « • . .1 / . ■ 

Were It not for Trifles, a fn»i 

That lately have come into Plaj% 
The Mrn nvoul^nvtlktfliheth'iii^ to Hoi * 

Jnd the If omen want fmething tofuf*' 

IFhat makes Men, irijffUi»f>reffing^ 
Becau/e the JLadiis (they kn^wy : •* 

Admire, hy often Pofltffingi •' T . . -^ :*»*'v- v - 

That eminent Trifle a Seatt* . -, 

' '. . ■ • ■ ■. ".^ * ■ ' "* ' 

When the Lover hii^M^ments bat trifled, . v . 

The Trifle of Trrjei JO gain: 
No focner the Firgin ii rifled ^ 

But a Triflle pall fart ^tm agedn. 

What mortal Man would be able . ' ' 

At White's Half an Hour to fit P 
Or who could bear a Tea-t^tbfe, 

Without talking of Trifles for Wit? 

The Court is from Trifles fecure. 

Gold Keys at e no 'Trifles^ fj^e fee .• 
White Rods are no Trifles^ I mfun^ 

WhaUver their Bearers may be. 



9^ 



C 85 3 

But if you vtnllgo to the P/aci, 
When friftes almndaialj hntdt 

Th€ Levee voili Jhovo you hU Gretee 
Makes Promf/es Trifles indeed. 

A Coaeh iviihjtx Footmen behind^ 

I count ntitber Trifle mr Sin ; 
£ut, ye Gods ! bouu oft do n»e find 

Jfcundalous Trifle nvkbite^ 

A Flajk ofChfOHpaign^ People think it 
A 7'r//?V, or fomethiug at Mi 

But if you" il eantrinte hofwt^dtM it^ 
Yoifllfind it no Trifle tgeuU 

AParfin's aTriflleatSia^ 
A Widow* s a Trifle im Sorrovt : 

A Peace is a Trifle to-^day^ 

Who knows what utaj hefpett U^Morrovi^ 

A Black Coat a Trifli meg ctoah^ 

Or to hide it t the Red may endeaytftur z 

But if once the Army is tr^kir^. ... 
H'e fijall have more Trifles thaet 4 ver^ 

The Stage is a Trifle^ they fayl " 

The Reafouy pray carry ulong^ 
Becaufe at e^v^ry new PUy^ 

The Hcufe they wi4h Trifles fo tirpstg. 

But with People^ s Malice to Trifle^ 

And to fet us all on a Foot : 
The Author of this is . a Trifle, \ 

And his Song is a Trifle to ioot^ 



I N I Sb. 



<wS" 



■; ■/ ''•*' . ':nr. 't 



s/, 



. ■■ ■•/ ' / 



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