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J8e2 5
V-, '■
Vv->
THE
WORKS
O F
Mr* George Farquhar,
VOL. II.
CONTAINING,
I. The INCONSTANT: Or,
T H 1 Wa y t O w I n II 1 m .
II. The T WlN-RIVALS.
HI. The RECRUITING-OFFICER.
IV. The BEAUX. STRATAGEM.
The TENTH EDlTrOl^I.
'> ■ . ' >■■'>' .■' 'i' ^^ \. . ' '. ' ; ' / •.
LONDON: V;/. • '
Printed for John Rivington, W. joHRsfok, S.Crow-
DBR, G. WOODFALL, T. CaSLON, T. LoWMDI««
W. N1COLL9 S» Blaoon, and R. Baldwin.
T a
RICHARD TIGHE, Efq;
SIR,
T^ Edications are the only Fajhiom in the World that are
^^ more dijliked for being umnterfal \ and the Reafon is^
that they very JeUom Jit the Perfons they nxere made
fir : But I hope to a'vold the common Obloquy in this Ad^
drefsj by laying afidt the Poet in emery Thing but the Dra-
matic Decorum of fuiting my Chara^tr to the Per/on.
From the Part o/* Mirabel in this Play^ and another Cha*
raQer in one of my former^ People are 'willing to compliment
my Performance in draining a gay, fplendid, generous^ eajy^
fine young Gentleman, My Genius^ I mufi confefjf has s
bent to that kind of Defa'iption ; and my Feneration for you^
Sir, may pafs for unquejlionable^ fince in all thefe happy
Accomplijhments you come Jo near to my darling CharaSer^
abating, his Inconjlancy.
What an unjpeakabk Rlejpng is Touth and Fortune , nvhen
a happy Underftanding comes in, to moderate the Dejires of
thejirjly and to refine tip.n the Advantages of the latter \
lAjhen a Gentleman is Mafler of all PUafures, but a Sla've to
none f ivho has travelled j not fr the Curiojity of the Sight,
but for* the Improvement of the Mind's Eye ; and voho returns
full of every Thiny but bimfef? — An Author might Jay a
great, deal more, but a Friend^ Sir, nay, an Enemy mufi al-
lonv you this.
I Jhall here. Sir, meet vuith tvuo Obfiacles^ your Modefiy,
and your Senje ; the firfi, as a Cenjor upon the ^ubjeSl, the
Jecond, as a Critic upon the Stile: But I am obfiivate in my
Purpoje, and vjill maintain ivhat 1 Jay to the lafi drop of niy
Pen ; vjhich I may the more boldly undertake, having all the
World on my Side ; nay, J have your very felf againfi you ;
for by declining to'hear your ovjn Merits jour F riendi art
authorized /^^ more to proclaim itn
A 3 ^ Your
6 The Epiftle Dedicatory.
2\ur Generttjjiy and Eafinefs of Temper ii net only olvioui'
in your c^jmrnon Affairs and Conver/atieny but more plainly
eiider.t in your darling Amufement^ that Opener and Vilater
of I be Mind, A ujic : — Fro^n your ^ffeiiion for tbis delight-
Jul ^tudyy rwe may deduce the pleajing Harmony that is ap'
parcit in all y cur ASiions ; and be ajjured^ Sir, that a Per-
Jon inujl he p'jfejfed of a lery diiiine Soul^ luho isfo much in
love *wiih the tntert aliment of j^ngels.
From your Encourage?nent of Mufc, if there be any Poetry
herey it has a Claim, by the Right of Kindred, to your Fa-
fvour end j^ffe^ion. 7\ u 'were pleafed to honour the Reprt-
J'entation oj this loy 'vcith your /,'ppeara^ce at fe<veral Times y
nxhich flatttred my Hcpcs that there might he fomething in it
^ihich yoi4r Good-natwe wight excufe. With the H^mur I'
here intend for myf elf , I likei^^nfe confult the inte>ejl of my
Nution^ by JheiKiing a Perjcn that is Jo much a Keputalion
and Credit to my Country* Bejides all rhist I ivas ivi/ling
to make a handjitn:e Compliment to the Place rf my Pupilage i
by info-ming the World that fo fine a Gentlemen bad the Seeds
of his Education in the fame Vniverfity^ and ct the fame '
Time ikith^
SIR,
Your nod Faithfal, and
Moil Humble Servant*
G. FARQ.UHAR,
PRB.
THE
INCONSTANT:
THE WAY TO WIN HIM.
A
COMEDY.
As it is Acted at the
T HEATRE-RO YAL
I N
COVENT GARDEN.
Jh no*vaftrt amtmus mmimtas dietn ftm^u-
Corpora ■■ ^ ■■ ' « . Qvid. l)et.
L O N D O Kx '. ; • •
Printed for Jo HM Rivikctom» W. JoH»jTflt^',.S:Ctow-
DHR, G. N^'OODFALL. T, Caslo^/'.T. L(»wirof<»
W. NicoLL, S. Blaoow, aad R. Baldwiv.
M,D€C4J»U1.
lH)4uU
•. « • • • •
* - • • •••* ■ ••
¥m<^>m^mmm^0mm
><4s<
PREFACE,
TO give you the Hillory of this Plav, would but
caufe the Reader and the Writer a Trouble to no
Purpofe ; I ihall only fay, that I took the Hint from
FUubirU Wild Goo/t Cb^t/e ; and to thofe who fay that I
have fpoiled the Original, 1 wi(h do other Injury but that
they would fay it again.
As to the Succefi of it, I think it is but a Kiad ofGr-
ai#»<i nufinefs. I have neither Loll, nor Won. I pufhird
fairly, but the French were prepolfeiTed, and the Charms
of GtilHc HeeU were too hard for an Enirlifi Brain ; but
1 am proud to own, that I have laid my Head at the
Ladies Feet. The Favour was unavoidable, for we are
a Nation fo wtxy fond of improving our Undtrdanding,
that the Inftru6ion of a Play does no good, when it comes
in Competition with the Moral of a Minuet. Pliny tells
ns in his Natnted Hiftwj^ of Ekpbunts that were taught
to dance on the Ropes ; if this could be made practicable
now, what a Number of Suh/criptiens might be hid to
biing the Great Mogul out of FUtt'-Jlreet, and make him
dance between the A£l> I
1 remember, that about two Years ago, I had a Gen-
tleman from France * that brought the Play-houfe fnmf
fifiy Audiences in five Months ; then why (hould I be
furprifed to find a French Lady do as much ? Jt is thf
prettieft Way in the World of dtrfpifing the French Yiiw^. to
let him fee that we can afford Money to bribe away his
Dancers, when he, poor Man, has exhaufted all his Stock,
in buying fome pitiful Towns and Principalities : Cum mu!"
tis aliis. What can be a greater Compliment to our gene-
rous Nation, than to have the Lady upon her Re-tour to
* Conftant Couple.
A4
? OTW»
8 PREFACE.
Parts J boaft of her fpleadid Entertainment in England, of
the Complaifance, Liberty, and Good-Hfiature of a People,
that throng'd her Houfe fo fulU that (he had not room ta
ftiCfe a Pin ; and left a poor Fellow, that had the Mif-
fortune of being one of tkemfelves, without one Farthing
for half a Year's Pains that he had taken for their Enter-
tain meq.t?
There were feme Gentlemen in the Pit the firft Nighty
that'took the Hint from the Prologue to damn the Play '^
but they made fuch a Noife in the Execution, that the
People took the Outcry for a Reprieve ; fo that the dar-
ling Mifchief was over-laid by their over-fondnefs of the
Changeling: *Tis fomewhathard, that Gentlemen (hould
debafe themfelves into a Fadtion of a Dozen, to tUb a
fingle Perfon, who never had the Refolution to face two
Men at a Time; if he hQ3 had the Misfortune of any
Mifunderflanding with a particular Per{bn, he has had ar
particalar Perfon to ahfwer it: But thefe Sparks would
be remarkable in their Refentment ; and if any Body fall
under their Difpleafure, they fcorn to call him to a parti'
cular Account, but will very honoi>rably burn hi« Houfe,
or pick his Pocket.
The Ntnxj'Houfk has perfedly made me a Convert
by their Civility oa my fixth Night : For to be Friends,
and revenged at the fame Time, I mull: give them a Play,.
that is, when I write another. For t^adlion runs fa
high, that I could wiih the Senate would fupprefs the
Houies, or put in force the A£t againli bribing Elef^ions ;
that Hoafe which has the moft Favours to beftow, win
certainly carryit,^ Ypight of all poetical J uHice that would
fupport t'other.
1" hav e heard (bmc Pfeoplc fa extravagantly angry at
this Play, that one would think they had no reafon to be
difpleafed at all ; whilfl: fome (otherwife Men of good
Senfe) have commended it fo much, that 1 was atraid
ihey ridiculed me ; fo that between both, I am abfolut~ly
ataLofswhat to think on't : For tho' the Caufe has
come on fix Days fucceflively, yet the Trial, I fancy, is
jiot determined. When our Devotion lo Lent^ and our
Lady, is over, the Buiinefs will be brought on again, and
thtn wc fliall huvc fair Play for our Money.
There
6 The Epiftle Dedicatory.
i'<>ur dnenfiiy aiid Eafinefs of Temper h net ouly elweni'
ifi jour r/mmofi Affkin and Converfatien^ but more flainfy
iiidert in your daiHng Jimufement^ that Opener and Vitaier
cj I he Mind, A yjic : — Frow your /fffediion for thii delight-
Jul ttudy^ *we may deduce the pleajing Harmony that is aP"
par CI t in all y cur AH ions ; and ie aj/uredf Sir, that a Per-
Jon muji be p'jjfijfed t>f a lery di*vine Sou/t ivho isfo much in
iove nvtth the tntertaiiment of Jngeis.
From your Encouragement of Mufc, if there he any Poftry
beret it has a Claim, by the Right of Kindred, to your Fa^
njour and Afff^iun. Tlu ixiere p leafed to honour the Refrt*
Jtntation oj this lay njcith your /.'ppeara^ce at federal Times ^
'whiihjlaittred my Hcfcs that there might he fomething in it
Hthich your Gocd-natwe might excufe. With the H^nmr I'
here intend for myf elf , I likei,K'ife coffult the inte'ff of my
l^ at ion, by Jhenxing a PerJ'cn that is Jo much a Keputalion
and Credit to my Country* Ltfides all this^ 1 *wos HviHing
to make a handjume Comp'iment to the Place rf mi Putilagt % '
by infetTning the World that fo fine a Gentlemen lad t%i Seeds
of his F.dueation in the fame Univerfty^ and «/ the fame '
Time wtk,
8IR,
Year noft Faithfal, and
Moft Humble Scrvanti.
G. FARQ.UHAR.
PRfit
PREFACE. 9
There is a Gentleman of the firft Underftanding, and
a very good Critic, who faid of Mr. IViiist that id thit
Part he ou:-aiie i himfeif, and all Men that he ever fav^.
I would not rob Wr. H'ilks^ by a woife Expreflion of
mine, of a Compliment th*t he io much deferves.
I had almod forgot to tell you, that the Turn of Plot
ia the laft A£t. is an Ao venture of Chevalier de CbaftiUom
at Baris^ and Matter of FaA ; but the Thing is fo uni*
verfally known, that 1 think this Advice might have been
[pared, as well as all the refl of the Preface, for any good
k will do either to me or the Play.
1?
A 5 THE
THE
PROLOGUE,
That was fpoken the firft Night, received fucb
Additions from Mr. , who fpoke it,
that they are beft if buried and forgot. But
the following Prologue is literally the fame-
that was intended for the Play, and wrixten
by Mr. Motteiix..
Y IKE hungry Gufjis^ a Jit ting Audience looh ;
•/-> Plays are like Suppers : Poets are the Cooks.
Ihe Founders You : The Table is this Place :
The Careers nii : The Prologue is the Grac€,
Each ASi, a Courfe ; each Scene a different Dijh :
Tho^ ive're in Lent. I douht yjai^refiillfor Flejh,
Satire* f the Sauce, higb/ea/on4* Jharp and rough ;
Kind Majks and Beaux i I hofeyou^re Pepper-proof,
Wit is the l^inei but Uis fo fcarce the true,
Poets, tike Vintners, b alder dajh and brenjo.
Tour furly Scenes, qjuhere Rant and Bloodjhedjoin^
Are Butcher"* s Meat, a Battlers a Sirloin :
Tour Scenes of Love, /ofoiving, foft and chafe,
Are Water-gruel, ^without Salt or Tafe,
Banndy*s fat Vcnifon, nvhich tho* ft ale, can pkafe :
Tour Rakes lo've Haui'-GcutSy like your damned Fi ench Checfe^
Tour Rarity for the fair Gueft to gape on.
Is yeiir nice Squeaker, or Italian Capon ;
Or your French Fir gin- Pullet, gnrnijh^d rounJ,
And drefs'dfwiib Sauce of fome — Four hundred Pounds
An Opera, like an Oglio, nicks the Age\
Farce // the Hofy P aiding of the Stage,
For
V;-, •■ ■ ■'
DRAMATIS PERSONS
1772.
MEN.
KAd MiraM, an aged Gent, of an"
odd Compound, between thci
Pcevifhnefs incident to his Years, ^ Mr. Sbutar,
and his Fatherly Fondnefs to*
wards his Son.
Captain Duretete^ an honeft good- '
natored Fellow, that thinks him- J- Mr. Woodv^ard.
felf a greater Fool than he
Young MiraheU Ms Son. Mr. ^mith. ^
od-1
im- S-
is, 3
Dugard, Brother to Oriana. MiT Gardner*
WOMEN.
€>riana, a Lady con traftcd to Mi-l
rahely who would bring him to > Mrs. Leffingham.
Reafon. j
Bi/arre^ a whimiical Lady, Friend \ %M-r lui u-
to Oriana, admired hybur. \ '^•^' ^'"^^"'-
Zo^orrr, a Woman of Contrivance. Mrs. Dyer.
Four Bravocs, two Gentlemen, and two Ladies*
Soldiers, Servants^ and Attendants.
THE
INCONSTANT:
O R,
THE WAY TO WIN HIM.
?ra?^w w w w WW wwww w w4 Aft w AlS?ift w w
A C T I.
SCENE, The Street.
Enter Dugard> and bit Man Peiit /Vr Riding Habits »
^i^^^^^ IR^ A H, What's a Clock ?
<FS:^^f Pif/. TurnM of Eleven,- Sir.
4^ S ^^? ^^' No more ! We have rid a fwinging
tf)!^ J^}* Pace from Nemours fince two this Morn-
*[Wl^^i^5^ ^**£' ''^'''^» '""'^ ^^ ^oujfeaus and befpcak
'^^^'^ar'^fr-' a Dinner at a Lewis d'Or a Head, to be
ready by One.
Pet. How many will there be of you. Sir ?
Dug. Let me fee Mirable one> Duretete two, myfelf
three
Pet, And I fpur.-
Dug. How now, Sir, at your old travelling Familiarity !
When abroftd, you had fome Fradom for want of better
Company ;
3
14 TH^e Inconftant : Or^^
jCompany ; but among my Friends at Parts^ pray remem-
ber your Diftance — Begone, Sir. [£W//. Petit.] Thk
Fellow's Wit was oeceiTary abroad, but he's too cufinia|;
for a Domedic ; I mull difbofe of him ibme way tlfe.—^
Who's here ? Old Mirabel^ and my Si^ 1 mV <^eft
Sifter!
Enter Old Mirabel and Oriana.
Ori. My Brother ! Welcome,
Dug, Monfieur Mirabel Ym heartily glad to fee yoUr
Old. Mir, Honeft Mr. Dugard, by the Blood of the
Mirabtlsy I'm your moft humble Servant.
Dug Why, Sir, you've* taft your Skitt fure, yonVe
briik and gay, lufty Health about you, no iign of Age
but your fi I ver Hairs.
Old, Mir, Silver Hairs ! Then they are Quick-filver
Hairs, Sir. Whilft I have goldea Pockeis, let my Hairs
be Silver an they will; Adfbtrd, Sir,- 1 cacf dance, and
iing, and drink, and no, I can't wench. But Mr. Dtt^
gardt no News of my Son Bob in all your Travels ?
Dug, Your Son's come home, Sir.
Old. Mir, Come home I Bob come home ! By the
Blood of the Mirabels, Mr. Du^ard, what fay ye?
Ori, Mr, Mirabel rcturn'd. Sir.
Dug. He's certainly come, and yoa may fee him wiih-^
in this Hour or two.
Old Mir. Swear it, Mr. Dugard^ prefently fwcar it.
Dug. Sir, he came to Town with me this Morning; I
left him at the Bagnieurs, being a little diforder'd. alter
riding, and 1 (hall fee him again prefently. .
Old Mir, What 1 And.he was afliam'd to a(k a Bleffing
with his Boots on. A nice Dog ! Well, and hoii^ fares
the young Rogue, ha ?
Dug. A fine Gentleman, Sir. He'll be his own MeiTengen
Old. Mir, A fine Gentleman \ Bat is the Rogue like me
fiill? '
Dug. Why, yes. Sir; he's very^ like his Mother, and
af like you as moft modem Sc^ns. are to- their Fathers.
Old Mir, Why, Sir, don't you think that I begat him ^
Dug, Why yes. Sir ; you Hiarried his Mother, and he
liberies your Eftate. He's very like you^ upon my Word».
Ori. And pray, Brciher, what's becomt* of bisrhoncfl
CompanioUf Duretcte ?
Tie Way to win htm. tg;'
T>mg, Who, the Captain ? The very fame, he went
abfO»d ; he*f the only Frenchman I ever knew that could '
rot change* Your Son, Mr. MirMbel^ is more obliged
to Nature for that Fellow's Compofition, than for his
own: fait he's more happy in Dureiet^s Folly than his
own Wit. In (hort^ they are as infeparable as innger and
Thumb ; bat the firft Inftance in the World, I believe»
of Ojppofiiion in Frien«^(hip.
Om, JMir, Very well ; will he be home to Dinner^
think ye ?
Vug. Sir, he has ordcr'd me to befpeak a Dinner for
us at RouJeau*8p at a Lewis d'Or a Head.
-Did Mir. A Lewis d'Or a Head ! Well fa5d, Boh ; by
the Blood of the Mirabels, Bobh improv'd. But Mr. Z)«-
gard, was it fo civil of Bob to vifjt Moniieur Ronjpau be-
lore his own natural Father ? Eh ! Heark'e Ori ma, wliat
think yoa,.aiow, of a Fellow that can eat and drink yc a
whole Lewis d'Or at a Sitting? He mud be as Ilrong as
Hercu'eSf Life and Spirit in abundance. Before Gad £
dod^'t wonder at thefc Men of Quality, that their own
Wives can^t ferve'cm. A Lewis d'Or a Head ! 'tis enough
to ftock the whole Nation with Baftards, 'tis Faith. Mr.
Dugard, I leave you with your Sifter. \^Exk,
hug. Well, Sifter, I need not aflc you how you do,
your Looks refolve me ; fair, fall, well-fhap'd ; you're
aln»oft grown out of my Remembrance. .
Ori. Why, truly Brother, 1 look pretty well, thank
Nature and my Toilet; I have 'fcap'd the Jaundice,
Green -ikkners, and the Small-pox ; I eat three Meals a
Day, am very merry when up, and deep foundly when-
I'lp down.
Dug. Bat, Sifter, you remember that upon my going;
abroad you would chofe this old Gentleman for your
Gerardian ; he's no more related to our Family, than
Frtfler Jobn, and I have no reafon to think you miftrufted-
zny Management of your Fortune : Therefore pray be fo-
kifid as to tell me, without Refervation, the true Caufe of
making fuch a Choice.
Ori. Look'e Brother, you were going a Rambling,
and^twas proper, left 1 Ihould go a Rambling too, that
fomebody ihould take care of me. Old Monfieur Mirabel
>s an hontft Gentleman, was our Father's FHend^ and
has
i5 ^be Inconftant : Or:,
has a youfig Lady in his Houfe, whofe Company I lilce,
and who has chofen him for her Guardian as well aa J«^
Vug. Who Madamoifelle Bi/am ?
Ori, The fame ; we live merrily together, without
Scandal or Reproach ; we make much of the old Gentle-,
man between us, and he takes care of us ; we eat what
We like, go to Bed when we pleafe, rife when we will,
all the Week we dance and fing, and upon Sundays go
firft to Church, and then to the Play. Now, Brother,
befides thefe Motives for chuiing this Geiitlemaa for my
Guardian, perhaps I had fome private Reafons.
Dug, Not io private as you imagine,. Sider ; your
Love to young MiraMs no Secret, 1 can afTure you, but
fo public that all your Friends are alham'd on*t.
Ori. O' my Word then, my Friends are very bafhful ;-
tho' Vm afraid. Sir, that thofe People are n«t alham'd
enough at their own Crimes, who have fo many BluiheS'.
to fpare for the Faults of their Neighbours^
Dug. Ay, but Sifter, the People fay
Ori. Pihaw, hang the People, they'll talk Treafon^
and profane their Maker ; muft we therefore infer, that
our king is a Tyrant, and Religion a Cheat ? Look*e,
Brother, their Court of Enquiry is a Tavern, and their
Informer, Claret : They think as they drink, and fwaU
low Reputations likeLoches ; a Lady's Health goes briik-
]y round with the Glafs, but her Honour is loft ih, the
Toaft.
^fg' Ay, but Sifter, there is ftill fomething—
Ori, If there be fomething;, Brother, 'tis none of the^
People's fomething ; Marriage is my Thing, and I'll
ftick to't.
Dug, Marriage ! Youngs Mirabel marry ! He'll build
Churchcb fboner. Take heed. Sifter, tho' your Honour
ftood proof to his home-bred AiTaults ; you muft keep a*
ftrifler Guard for the future : He has now got the foreign-
Air, and the Italian Softnefs ; his Wit's improved hyf
Converfe, his Behaviour finifhed by Obf rvation, and his
Afturances confirmed by Succe/s. SiHer, 1 can afture you
he has. made his Conauefts ; and 'tis a Plague upon your
Sek, to be the fooneft dcceiv'd by thofe very Men that
you know have been falfe to others.
Ori. Thca why will you tell me of his Con^uefts ? for
Ti€ IVay to win him. ly
I muft confefs there is no Title to a Woman's Favour fo
engaging as the Repute of a handfome Diffimulation ;,
tihere is Tomethiog^ of a Pride to fee a Fellow lie at oor
Feet* that has trianoph'd over fo many ; and then, I
den^t know, we fancy he mail have fomething extraor-
dinary aboat him to pleafe as, and that we have fome-
cbing engaging aboat us to iecure him -, fo we can*t be
quiet tiUwe put ourfelves upon the lay of being both
difappointed.
Du£. But then. Sifter, he's as fickle—
Org, For God*8 Sake, Brother, tell mc no more of his
Fauhs; for if you do, I (hall run mad for him : Say no
more. Sir, let me but get him in^o the Bands of Matri«
mony, ril fpoU his wandVing, 1 warrant hiro, 1*11 do hit
Btt/inefs that way, never fear.
Dug, Well, Sifttr, I won't pretend to underftand the
Engagements between you and your Lover ; I expe^^
when you have need of my Counfel or Aflillance, ^oo
will let me know more of your Affairs. Mirabtl is a
Gentleman, and as far as my Honour and Jntereft can
reach, you may command me to the Furtherance of your
Happitiefs : In the mean Time, Sider, I have a gceat
xnind to make you a PreCent of another humble Servant ;
a Fellow that I took up at Ljons, who has kt^^d, me ho«
neftly ever fince.
OrL Then why will you part with him ?
Dag He has gain'd (o infufferably on my good Hu«
snour, that he's grown too familiar ; but the FellowU
cunning, and may be ferviceable to you in your Affair
with Mirabd, Here he comes.
Enter Petit.
Well, Sir, have you beeo at RouJfeau\ ?
Pet. Yes, Sir, and who (hould I find there but Mr.
Mirabel Sind the Captain, hatching as warmly over a Tub
of Ice, as two Hen Pheaiants over a Brood — They
would not let me befpeak any things for they had dined
before I came.
Dug. Come, Sir, you (hall ferve my Sifter, I Ihalt ftill
continue kind to you ; and if your Lady recommends
your Diligence upon Trial, Til olc my Intcreft to advance
you ; you have Senfe enough to cxpcft Prcferinent. — -
Hcre^ Sirrah, here's tea Guineas for thee, get thyfelf a
Drugget
tf T[*hi Inconftant I Ofj
Dfugget Suit and a PufF-Wig, and fo ! dub thee Gen-
tleman Ulher.—- Sifter, I murt put xnyfelfin repair, you
may expert me in the Evening— —Wait on your Lady
borne, Ptfif. lExit. Dug.
Pet. A Chair, a Chair, a Chair !
Ori. No, no, ril walk home,'tis but next Door. [Exfuftf.
SCENE a ^Tofuenit difctfvering young Miraliel and
Duretete rifing from 'fable.
hUr. Welcome to Paris once more, my dear Captain^
we have eat heariily, drank roundly, paid plentifully, and
let it go for once. I lik'd every I'hing but our Women,
they lookM io lean and tawdry, poor Creatures \ 'Tis a
fare fign the Army fs not paid. — Give me the plamp
Venetian, briik and ranguiiie, that fmiles upon me like
the glowing Sun, and meets my Lips like fpark-
Kng Wine, her Perfbn fhining as the Glafs, and Spirit
like the foaming Liquor.
Dur. Ah, MiraBei, I/a{^ I' gr&At you; but for our
Women here in France^ thty arc fuch thin Brawn fall'ii
Jades, a Man may as well make a fied-fellow of a Cane
Chair.
Mir, France f A light vmTeafon'd Coantry, nothing
bm Feathers, Foppery, ^nd -Falhiiohs ; we're fine indeeo^
fo are our Coach-Horfes ; Men fay we're Courtiers, Men
abu/e us ; thac we are wi& and politic, non credo Seigneur :
That our Women have Wit ; FafrotSr mere Parrots, Af«
furance and a good Memory, fets them up :—— There's
nothing on this fide the JIps worth my humble Service
t'ye — Ha Roma la Santa ! Italy for my Money ; their
Cuftoms, Gardens, Buildings, Paintings, Mufic, Poli^
cies. Wine and Women ! the Pa'adife of the Worlds—
not pefler'd with a parcel of precife old gouty Fel-
lows, that would debar their Children every Pleafure that
they thcmfelves are paft the Sen fe of: commend me to
the Italian Familiarity : Here, Son, there's fifty Crowns,
go pay your Whore her Week's Allowance.
Dur, Ay, thefe are your Fathers for you, that onder-
ftand the Ncceffities of young Men ; not like our mufty
Dads, who becaufe they cannot fi(h themfelves, would
muddy the Water, and fpoil the Sport of them that can.
But
The Way t9 win him. 19
Put now you talk of the Plamp, what d'ye think of a
Dutch Woman ?
Mir. A Dutch Waman's too compadk; nay, every
Thing among *em is To ; a Duub Man is thick, a Ouub
Woman is fquab, a Dutch Horfe is round, a Duich Dog is
ihort, a Dutch Ship is broad- bottomed ; and, in Ihort, one
wou'd fwear the whole ProduA of the Country were caft
in- the fame Mould with their Cheefet.
Dur. Ay, but Mirabel, you have forgot the LngUflt
Ladies.
Mir. The Women c^^ England ^Ntxt excellent, did they .
not take fuch unfufferable Pains to ruin what Nature ha»
made fo incomparably well ; they would be delicate
Creatures indeed> couM they but thoroughly arrive at
the French Mien, or entirely let it alone ; for they onlj
fpoil a veiy good Air of their own, by an auk ward Imi*
tacion of ours ; their Parliaments and our Taylors give .
Laws fo their three Kingdoms. But come, DuretetCt let
us mind the fialinefs in hand ; MillrefTes we mull have,
and mud Uke up with the Manufacture of the Place, and
upon a competent Diligence we Iball find thofe in Ptaris.
maXi match the Italians from Top to Toe.
Dur. Ay, i)firA^//,vou will do well enough, but what
will become of your Friend ; you know I am fo pligoy
balhful. fo naturally an Afs upon thefe Occafions, that— ^
Mir. Pfliaw, you mud be bolder, Man : Travel three
Years, and bring home fuch a Baby as Baikfulnefs 1 A
great luftv Fellow I and a Soldier 1 fye upon it.
Dur* Look^e, Sir, I can vifit, and I can ogle a litt'e,.
—as thus, or thus naw. Then I can kifs abundantly,
and make a (hift to— but if they chance to give me a
forbidding Look, as fome Women, you know, have a
devilifli Caft with their E)jes — or if they cry — what d'ye
mean; what d'ye take me for? Fye, Sir, remember
who I am. Sir ^A Perfon of Quality to be us-'d at this
Kate ! I-gad Vm flruck as flat as a Frying-pan
Mir. Words o'courfe ! never mind 'em : Turn you
about upon your Heel with a jantee Air; hum out the
End of an old Song ; cut a crofs Caper, and at her again.
Dur. {imitates him,} No hang it, 'twill never do. —
Oons, what did my Father mean by flicking me up in an
Univerfitji or to think that I ihoa*d gain any thing by
my
20 The Inconftant : Or^
my Heady in a Nation whofe Genius lies all m tbeir
Heels ! Well, if ever I come to have Children of my
own, they (hall have the Education of the Country, they
ihaU learn to dance before they can walk, and be taught
. to iing befoie they cm fpeak.
Mr. Come, come, throw off that childifh Humour,
put on AiTurance, there's no avoiding it ; Hand all Ha*
zards, thou'rt a (lout Itrfly Fellow, ana haft a good Eftate,
look bluff, hedor, yon have a good Side-box Face, a
pretty impudent Face ; fo that's pretty well. — ^This Fel-
low went abroad like an Ox, and is returned like an Afs*
Dur, Let me fee now, how I look. [Pu/Is^ut a Pocket '^
Gla/s, andloiiks on't ] A Side-box Face> fay you I — ^Egad
I don't like it/ Mira^eL-^F ye. Sir, don't abafe your
Friends, I couM not wear fuch a Face for the bcft Coun*
tefs in Chriftendom.
Mir. V/hy can't you. Blockhead, as well as 1 ?
^ Dur* Why, thou ha(t Impudence to iet a good Face
upon any thing, I wou'd change half my Gold for half
thy Brafs, with all my Heart Who comes here ? Odfo, '
Wrabel, your Father't
£»/^rOA/ Mirabel.
OU Mrr. Where's Boh f dear Boh f
Mir. Your Blciling, Sir.
OUMir, MyBIeffingt Damn ye. ye young Rogue; why
did not you come to fee your Father firft, Sirrah ? M v
dear Boy, 1 am heartily glad to fee thee, my dear Chila,.
faith— Capt. Duretete, by the Blood of the Mirahcts, I'm
your's Well, my Lads, ye look bravely faith. — Bob^ haft
got any Money left r
Mir, Not a Farthing, Sir.
Old Mir^ Why, then I won'f gi' thee a Soufc.
Mir. I did but jeft, here's ten Pilloles.
Old Af/^, Why, then here's ten more ; I love to be
charitable to thofe that don't want it:— 'Well, and how
d*ye like Italy, my Boys ?
Mir. O the Garden of the World, Sir ; Romey Napks,
Venice^ Milan, and a thoufand others — all fine.
Old Mir. Ay, fay you fo ! And they fay, that Chiari
is very fine too.
Dur. Indifferent, Sir, very indifferent ; a very fcurvy
Air,
Tit IVay to win bim. %i
Air, the ni<^ unwholesome to a Frmcb ConAitution in
the Worlds
M>. Pfliaw* nothing on't^ theie rafcally Cazetn$rs
have mifinformM yon.
OU. Mir^ Mifinform'4 mei Ooas, Sir, were not we
beaten there ?
Idir. Bealen, Sir! the Frrvr^ beaten 1
OidMir. Why, how was it» pray fwcet Sir ?
Mir. Sir^ the Captain will tell yon.
Dur. liot SUf your Son will teU you*
MtTm The Captain wu in the Ai6iioo, Sir.
Hur. Your Son iaw more thaa 1» Sir, for he was
H Looker on.
Old Mir. Confound you both for a bface of Cowards :
here are no Germans to over-hear yon ; why don't ye tell
me how it was?'
Mir, Whv, then yon muft know, that we march'd op
a Body of tne fineft, braveft, well-drefsM Fellows in the
Univerfe ; our Commanders at the Head of us, all Lace
and Feather, like fo many Beaux at a Ball — I don*t believe
there was a Man of *em but cou'd dance a Charmer, Mor-
bleack
OA/ Mir. Dance ! very well, pretty Fellows, faith !
Mir. We caper'd up to their very Trenches, ard there
faw peeping over a parcel of Scare-crew, Olive-colour'd
Conpowder Fellows, as ugly as the Devil.
Dttr. I-gad, I fhall never forget the Looks of 'em,
"while 1 have Breath to fetch.
Mir. They were fo civil, indeed, as to welcome us
^'ith their Cannon ; but for the red, we found 'em fuch
unmannerly, rude, unibciable Dogs, that we grew tir'd
of their Company, and fo ive e'en danc'd back agaifi*
0/</. Mir. And did ye all come back ?
Mff No, two or three thouland of us ftay'd behind.
O/J Mir. Why, BoS, why ?
Mir. Pfiiaw — becaufe they cou'd not come that Night.
*-But come. Sir, we were talking of fomething elfe ; pray
. how does your lovely Charge, the fair Oriana ?
Old. Mir. Ripe, Sir, juft ripe ; you'll find it better
engaging with her than with the Germans^ let me tell you.
^nd what woa'd you fay, my young Mars, if I had a
Fenus for thee tool Come« BqI^ your i^partment is ready,
and
12 7be hconftani : Or^
u»6 pray let your Friend be my Gueft too, you fhall (
in^nd the Houfe between ye, and 1*11 be as merry a:
heik of you.
M/r. Bravely faid. Father.
Let Mifert bend their /^ge mth niggard Cares,
And (larve themfelves to pamper hungry Heirs ;
Who, livin?, (lint their Sons what Youth mray crari
And make em revel o*er a Father*s Grave,
The Stock on which I gr«i«v does diil diCpenCe
Its Genial Sap into thd blooming Brancn ;
The Fruir, ht knows, ^om his own Root it grown,
And theieforc footba thoft Pniion» once his own*
Th End pfthi fiffi ACT.
ACT II.
SCENE, Old Mirabel'j Houfe,
Oriana and Bifarre*
BiJ. AND yon love this young Rake, d'ye ?
f\ OrL Yes.
Bif. in fpight of all his ill Ufage.
Ori. i can't help it.
Bif. What's ihe Matter wi'yc f
O^i, P^aw!
Btf. Um !— before that any yoang, lying, (Wen
fUu«rkg, rakehelly Fellow (hould play fuch Tricks
me, 1 wou*d wear my Teeth to the Stumps with Lim
Chaflb — O, the Devil take all yoar Ca^andras and
fatros for me. — Prithee mind your Airs, Modes,
Fafliions \ your Stays, Gowns and Furbelows. Hark'<
Dear, have you got home your furbclow'd Smccks ;
Ori, Prithee be quiet, Bifarre ; you know I can
aiad as you when this MiraM is out of my Head.
B\f. Plhaw ! wou'd he were out, or in, or fom<
to miike yott eafy. — I warrant now, you'll play the
when he comcii and fay you love him ; eh f
^he Way ta win him. 23
Or/. Moft certainly"; — I can't diflemblc, Bi/srn :—
tbefidesj *tis pall that, weVe contraded.
Bif. Contracted ! alack- a-day, poor Thing. What you
have changM Rings, or broken an old Broad-piect be-
tween you ! Hea(k*e« Child, han't you broke fomething
clfe between ye ?
Ori, No, bo, I can aflure you.
Bif. Then, what d*ye whine for ? Whilft I kept that
in my Power, I wou'd make a Fool of an^ Fellow in
FrMwe. Well, I mail confefs, I do l*ve a little coqnet-
tins; with all my Heart ! my Biiiineis ihould be to break
Gold with my Lover one Hour, and crack my Fromife
the next; he ihoa*d find me one Day with a Prayer-book
Ih my Hand, and with a Flay-book another. JEie ihou'd
have my Confent to buy the Wedding-ring, and the next
Moment wouM I laugh in his Pace.
Ori. O my Dear, weJC there no greater Tye upon my
Heart, than there is upon my Confcieoce, I wou'd ibon
throw the Contra£t out o' Doors ; bCit the Miichicf on't
is, [ am fo fond of being ty'd that Tm forced to be ^u(^
'and the Strength of my Paihon keeps down the loeiiAatioa
of my Sex. ijut herc^s the old Gentleman.
Enter Old Mirabel.
Old. Mir, Where's my Wenches I where's my two lit-
tle Girls : Eh ! Have a care, look to yourfelves, faith,
they're a coming, the Travellers are a coming. Well !
''^ich t)f you two will be my Daughter-in-Law now?
Bifarre, Bi/arrey what fey you, Mad«-cap ? Mirahil is a
purp wild FeHow.
Bif. 1 like him the wprfc.
CftdMir. You lie, Huilcy, you like him the better, 10-
Aed yottifo :^What fay you, my t'other little Filbert ? he!
Qri. I fuppofe the Gentleman will chufe for himfelf. Sir.
- OU Mir. Why, that's difcreetly feid ; and fo he fhall.
Enter Mirabel uml Daretete, thtyjalute the Ladies. ->
Boh, Hevk'c, you ihall marry ©tre of thc/e Girls, Sirrah*
Mir. Sk, I'll aairy 'em both, if y«u pleafe.^ "^
Bif. [^*3 He'll find that o«e may ft*ve his turiy,- * \
OldMir, Both I Why, you young Dog, d'ye b^mttt
me? — Come, Sir, take ^ourCheice.-^Z^cffV/f/^, yorffhall
have yo4ic Choice too 1 omr Rotin (haH chafe feft., Ct^m<t«
Sir, DCgiD,
c 4 Thf ' Inconfiant : Or,
Mir. Well; I an't the firft Son that has made hh Fa-
ther's Dwelling a Baiivdy-hoofe— let me fee.
' Old. Mir. Well ! which d'ye like ?
Mir. Both.
. Old Mir. But which will you marry ?
iW/'r. Neither.
Old Mir. Neither— Don't make me angry now, Bch ;
^ray don't make me angry. — Look'e, Sirrah, if I don'-t
<lance at your Wedding to-morrow, I ihall be very glad
to cry at your Grave.
JW/r. That's a Bull> Father.
Old Mir. A Bulll Why, how now, ungrateful Sir,
<lid I make thee a Man, that thou (houldil make me a
£eafl ?
iifiV. Your Pardon, Sir. I only meant your ExprelCon.
Old Mir. Heark'e, Bob^ lv;i^n better Manners to your
Father before Strangers : I won't be angry this Time.— *
Bot Oons, if ever you do't again, you Rafcal, remembv
^hat I far.
Mir. PmaWy what docs the old Fellow mean by mew-
ing me up here with a Couple of greeo Girls ? Come,
Durtiete, wiH yon go ?
On'. I hope, Mr. Mirabel t you han't forgot.—
Mir. No, no. Madam, I han't forgot, I have brought
you a thoufand little Italian Curiofities ; I'll afTure yOH«
Madam, as far as a hundred Piftoles would reach, I han't
forgot the leaft Circumftance.
' On*. Sir, you mifunderftand me.
Mir. Odfo, the Relics, Madam, from Rome. I dO
remember now you made a Vow of Chaflity before my
Departure; a Vow of Cliaftity, or fomething like itj
was it not, Madam '
On. O Sir, I'm anfwcr*d at prcfent. ^ [Exit.
Mir. She was coming full Mouth upon me with her
Contra^— Would I might difpatch t'other.
JDirr. Miratil-'^^-^^hU Lady there, obferve her, (he's
wond'rous pretty faith, and foems to have but few
Words; I like her mainly; ^eak to her> Man, prithee
ipeak to her.
Mir. Madam, here's a Gentleman, who declares— « '
Dmr. Madam, don't believe him> I declare nothing— «
Wkat the Devil do you mean^ Man ?
Mir.
Tie Way U win him. 25
Mir. He fays, Madam» that 70a are as beautiful as aA
Angel.
Dur. He tells a damn'd Lve, Madam ; I fay no fuck
Thing : Are you mad, Mirsiel^ Why, I ihall drop dowa
with 6hame.
Mir. And {o, Madanif not doubting but your Lady*
fhip may like him as well as he does you» I think it pro-
per to leave you together. [Goin^, Duretete h^/dj Inm*
Dur. Hold, hqla—- — ^Why Mirabel t Friend» Aire you
won't be fo barbarous as to leave me alone. Prithee
fpeak to her for yourfeif, as it were. Lord, Lord, that
a Frenchman (hould want Impudence 1
Mir. You look mighty demure, Madam*-She*s deaC
Captain,
bur, I had much rather have her dumb.
Mir. The Gravity of your Air» Madam, promifes feme
extraordinary Fruits from your Study » which moves
us with Curiofity to enquire the Subjedof your Ladyihip's
Contemplation. Not a Word !
Dur. I hope in the Lord ihe's fpeechlefs ; if (he be,
(he*8 mine this Moment. — Mirahel, d'ye think a Woman'a
Silence can be natural ?—
Bif. But the Forms that Logicians introduce, and
which proceed from (imple Enumeration, are dubitable,
and proceed only upon Admittance—
Mir. Hoyty toyty ! what a* Plague have we here?
Plato in Petticoats.
Dur. Ay, ay, let her go on, Man ; fhe talks in m/
•own Mother-tongue.
Bif, 'Tis expoied to Invalidity from a contradidlory In-
ftance, looks only upon common Operations, and is in-
finite in its Termination.
Mir. Rare Pedantry.
D»r. Axioms I Axioms f Self evident Principles.
B{f. Then the Ideas wherewith the Mind is pre-occu*
pate. — O Gentlemen, I hope you'll pardon my Cogita-
tion i I was involv'd in a profound Point ^of Philofophy ;
but I (hall difcufs it fomewhere elfe, being fatisfy'd that
the Subjed'is not agreeable to your Sparks, that profefs
the Vanity of the Times, \^Exit.
Mir. Go thy way, good Wife Bias : Do you. hear,
J)ta^etet€? Do'ft hear this flarch'd piece of Aufterity ?
Vol II, B Dur.
26 TJbe Inconjlant : Orj-
Dur. She's mine, Man ; fhe's mine : My own Talent
to a T. ril match her in DialeAics, faith. I was Teven
Years at the Univerfity , Man, nurs'd up with Barbara^ Cela*
runtf Darii, Ferio^ Bara/ipton, Did you never know, Man,
that 'twas Metaphylics made me an Afs? It was, faith.
Had flie talkM a Word of Singing:, Dancing, Plays,
Fafhions, or the like, I had founder'd at the iix'Si Step;
but as ihe is — Mirabel, wilh me Joy.
Mir. You don't mean Marriage, I hope.
Dur, No, no, i am a Man of more Honour,
Mir. Bravely refolv'd, Captain, now for thy Credit,
warm me this frozen Snow- ball, 'twill be a Conqueft
above the j^lps.
Dur But will you promife to be always near me ?
Mir. Upon all Occafions, never fear.
Dur, U'hy then, vou fhall iee me in two Momqils
xnake an Indu^lion n-om my Love to her Hand, from
her Hand to her Mouth, from her Mouth to her Heart,
and fo concltide in her Bed, Categorematice,
Mir, Now the Game begins, and my Fool is enter'd.
—But here comes one to fpoil my Sport ; now fliall I
be teiz'd to death with this old fafhion'd Contraft. I
ihou'd love her too, if 1 might do it my own way, bat
fhc*ll do nothing without Witnefles forfooth. 1 wondtr.
Women can be fo immodeft.
Enter Oriana.
Well, Madam, why d'ye follow me ?
Ori, Well, Sir, why do you fliun me?
Mir. 'Tis my Humour, Madam, and I'm naturally
fway*d by Inclination.
Ori Have you forgot our Con'rafl, Sir ?
Mir, All I remember of that Contract is, t'lat it was
made fome three Years ago, and that's enough in Con-
fcieacc to forget the reft on't.
Ori 'Tis fufiicient, Sir, to recollefl the pafling of it ;
for in that Circumitance, I prefume, lies the Force of.
the Obligation.
Mir. Obligations, Madam, that are forc'd upon the
Will, are no tye upon the Confcience ; I was a Slave to
my Paffion when I pafs'd the Inftrument ; but the Reco-
very of my Freedom makes the Contrad void.
Or/. Sir, you can't make that a Compulfion which
war
The IVay to win bim. 27
KK^as your own Choice ; befides, Sir, a Sabje6Uon to your
3wn Defires has not the Virtue of a forcible Lonilraint :
And you will find. Sir, that to plead yoar Paflion for the
killing of a Man, will hardly exempt you from the
Juftice of the Puniftimentt
Mir. And (09 Madam, yon make the Sin of Murder
and the Crime of a ContraA the very fame, becaufe that
Hanging and Matrimony are fo much alike.
On. Come, Mr. Mirabel, thefe Expreflions I expeded
from the Raillery of your Humour, but I hope for very
^Hferent Sentiments from your Honour and Uenerofity.
Mir, Look'e, Madam, as for my Generofity, 'tis at
your Service, with all my Heart: I'll keep you a Coach
and ^x Horfes, if you pleafe, only permit me to keep
niy Honour to myfelf ; for 1 can afTure yon. Madam*
that the Thing called Honour is a Circumilance abfoiutely
unnecefTary in a natural Correfpondence between Male
and Female, and he's a Mad-man that lays it out, confi-
dering its Scarcity, upon any fuch trivial OccafionF/
There's Honour required of us by our Friends, and Ho-
nour due to our Enemies, and ihev return it to us again ; ^
but I never heard of a Man that left but an Inch k){ his
Honour in a Woman's keeping, that could ever get the
leaft Account on't. Confider, Madam, you have no
fuch Thing among ye, and *tis a main Point ot Policy to
keep no faith with Reprobates — thou art a pretty little
Reprobate, and fo get thee about thy Bufinels.
Ori. Well, Sir, even all this I will allow to the Gaiety
of your Temper ; your Travels have improved your Ta-
lent of Talking, but they are not tf Force, 1 hope, to
impair your Morals.
Mir. Morals ! Why there 'tis again now — I rell thee.
Child, there is not the lealt OccaSon for Morals in any
Bufinefs between you and I Don*t you know, that of
all Commerce in the World there is no fuch Cozenage
and Deceit as in the Traffic between Man and Woman ;
we ftudy all our Lives long how to put Tricks upon one
another — What is your Bufinefs now from the 1 ime you
throw away your artificial Babies, but how to get natu-
ral ones with the moft Advantage! — No Fowler lays
abroad more Nets for his Game, nor a Hunter for his
Prey, than you do I© catch poor innocent Men— Why do
JB 2 you
2 8 The IncQfiJlant : Or,
fit three or four Hours at your ToUet in z, Morniog)
only with a vilUmous Defign to make fomc popr fe]lo«v
a Fool before Night. What are your languilhing Lookf,
your ftadied Air and AfFe6tations» but fo many Salts and
Devices to delude Men out of their dear Liberty ao(l
Freedom ? — What d'ye ligh for ? Whai,t d'ye weep fo/ ?
What d'ye pray for ? Why, for a Hufband : That is, yoa
implore Providence to aflift you in the jud and piout
Defign of making the wifefl of his Creatures a Fool, ai^d
the Head of the Creation a Slave.
Ori. Sir, I am proud of iny Power, and am refolv'4
to ufe it.
Mir. Hold, hold, Madam, not fo f*!!— As yon h^c
Variety of Vanities to make Cox?ptpbs of us; {o «fc
have Vows, Oaths, and ProteHations of all Sort;s fnd
Sizes to make Fools of you. As you are very ilxange
and whimfical Creatures, fo we arc allow'd as ajnaccoant-'
able Ways of managing you. And this, in Aort, ray
dear Creature, is oar prefent Condition. 1 have Avora.
and ly*d briflcly to gain my Ends of you ; yp.ur Ladylhip
has patched and painted violently, to gain ypur Eads of
>je. — But, fince we are both difeppoiiited, kt us piake
a drawn Battle, and part clear on both Sides.
Ori, With all my Hearc, Sir j give me ujp njy Contra^ ;
and ril never fee your Face again.
Mir, Indeed 1 won't, Child.
Ori, What, Sir, neither do one nor t'other ?
Mir. No, you fhall die a Maid, unleG you p]eafi? t*
be othcrwife upon ray Terms.
Ori. What do you intend by this, Sir ?
Mir. Why, to ftarve you into Compliance ; k>ok'e« ,
you (hall never marry any Mau ; and you had as jrood
let me do you a Kindnefs as a Stranger.
'Ori. Sir, you're a
Mir\ What am I, Millrefs ?
Ori. A Villain, Sir?
Mr. I'm glad on't— I never knew an honeft Fellow in
my Life, but was a VDlain upon thefe Qccafions. . ' ■ "^
Ha'n't you drawn yourfelf now into a very pretty Pi- .
lemma ? Ha, ha, ha; the poor Lady has made a Vow of
Virginity, when fhe thought of making a Vow for tho .
contrary. Was ever poor Woman fo che^.ed into Vhaility f .
Ori.
fbe PTny to win blm. 29
(V/. Sir, my Portuhe is equal to yours, my Friends as
Sowierfu)> and both Ihall be put to the Telt» to do me
ttiHce.
Mir. What ! you'll force me to marry yoo, will ye ?
OH, Sir, the Law (hall.
Mir, But the Law catt't force me to do slny Thiag elfe,
can it?
Ori. Pfliaw, I dtfpife thee— Monfter.
Mir. Kifs and be Friends then—I^on't cry, Child, and
yoii ihall have your Sugar-plumb — Come, Madam, d'ye
chink I could be io unreafonable as to make you faft all
yoer Life long ? No, 1 did but jeft, you (hall have your
i^ibertyi here, take your Coniradl, and give me mine.
Ori. Nb^ I won't*
Mir. Eh ! What is the Girl a Fool ?
Ori. No, Fir, ]roa Ihall find ine cunnihg enough to do
inyf^lfjilllk^; and fitiee I mu(l not depend upon your Love,
rU be reyengM, and force you to marry me out of fpight.
Mir, Then Til beal thee out of (^ight; ahd make a
mod confbdiided Hufband.
Ori. t) Sir, 1 (hall match ye : A good Hufband makea
ft good WiA; ii anv Time.
Mr. ril rattlt aown your China abbut your Ears.
Ori. And 1*11 rattle about (he City to run yOu in Debt
for moik
Mir. Yout Face-mcndiilg Toilet (hall fly out of the
Window*
Ori» And your Face-mending Periwig (Hall dy after it,
Mir. I'll tear the Furbelow off vour Clothes, and
when you fwoon for Vexation, you (na'n*t have a Penny
to buy a Bottle of Harts horn.
Ori. And you, Sir, fhall have Harts-horn in abundance.
Mir. rU keep as many MiftrefTeS as I have Coach-
Horfes.
Ort, And 1*11 keep as many Gallants as you have Grooms.
Mir. V\\ lie with your Woman before your Face.
Ori. have a care of ydur Valet behind your Back.
Mir. But, fwett Madam, there is fuch a Thing as a
Divorce.
Ori. But, fwcet Sir, there is fuch a Thing a^ Ali-
in6ny# fo divorce on, and fparc hot. [Exit.
Mir. Ay, that feparate Maintenance ii the Devil ^
B 3 thfci^'s
3^ 7be Inconjlani : Qr^
there's their Refuge — o' my Confcicnce, one wouM take
Cuckoldom for a meritorious A^ion, becaufe the Wo-
men are fo handfomely rewarded for't. [Exit,
SCENE changes to a large Parlour in the/anu Houfe*
Enter Duretete and Petit. ,
Dur. And (he's mighty peevifli, you fay ?
Fet. O Sir, (he has a Tongue as long as my Leg* and
talks focrabbedly.you wou'd think flie always fpoke^/^.
Dur, That's an odd Language, me thinks, for her Phi-
lofophy.
?et. But fometimes (he will (it you half a Day witboHt
fpeaking a Word, and talk Oracles all the while by the
Wrinkles of her Forehead, and the Motions of her Eye-
brows.
Bur, Nay, I ihall match her in philofophical Ogles,
faith ; that's my Talent : i can talk beft, you muft knour,
when I fay nothing,
Pet. But d'ye ever laugh. Sir ?
Dur, Laugh ? Won't me endure laughing ?
Pet, Why (he's a Critic, Sir, fhe hates a Jeft, for fear
* it ihould pleafe her ; and nothing keeps her in Humour
but what gives her the Spleen. And then for LogiCi
and all that, you know
Dur. Ay, ay, I'm prepar'd, I have been j>radiiii»g
hard Words, and no Senfe, this Hour to entertain her.
Pet, Then place yourfelf behind this Screen, that you
may have a View of her Behaviour btrfore yoa begin.
Dur. I long to engage her, left I (hou'd forget my itciToa.
Pet. Here Ihe comes. Sir, I muft Ey.
{Exit Pet. and Dur. ft ands peeping behind tbi Curtam*
Enter Bifarre and Maid,
Bif, [With a Book'y P(haw, hang Books, they four our
Temper, fpoil our Eyes, and ruin our Complefiions.
[flhronjus away ths Bmi,
Dur. Eh I The Devil fuch a Word there is in all Arifiotlt.
Bif. Come, Wench, let's be free, call i^ the Fiddle,
there's no body near us.
Enter Jidier.
Dur. Wou'd to the Lord there was not,
Bi/. Here, Friend, a Minuet .'—quicker Time i, luh-^
wou'd we had a Man or two.
Dia\
T'le iray to win him. % i
T>ur, [Siea/hg away.'] Yoa (hall have th$ Devil foooer,
my dear dancing Philosopher.
Bty: Uda my Life!— Here's one.
[Runs to Dur. ««/ ha/ej him Back,
Dur, Is all my learn'd Preparation come to this ?
Bif. Come, Sir, don't be afham'd, thai's my good
Boy— you're very welcome, we wanted Aich a one
.Come, ftrike up — I know yoa dance ucll, Sir, you're
finely fhap'd for*t Come, come. Sir; quick, quick,
you mifs the Time elfe,
Dur, But, Madam, I come to talk with you.
Bif. kjy ay, talk as you dance» talk as yoa dance, come.
Dur. Bat we were talking of Dialectics.
Bi/. Hang Dialedics Mind the Time quicker.
Sirrah, [fTo the FMr^ Come — and how d'ye find youc-
felf now. Sir ?
Dur. In a fine breathing Sweat, Do£lor.
Brf. All the better, fa lent, all the better ^— — Come.
Sir, fing now, £ng, I know you fing well; I fee yon
have a finging Pace ; a heavy dull Sonato Face.
; jDjir. Wh«, I iing ?
Bif. O you're modeft. Sir — bat come, fit down, doftr,
clofer. ^Hcre, a Bottle of Wine Come, Sir, fa, la,
lay ; fing» Sir.
' Dur. Baty Madam, I came^o talk with you.
Bif. O Sir, you ihall drink iirft. Come, fill me a
Bamper — here. Sir, blefs the King.
Dur, Wba'd I were out of his Dominion6.— -By thif
Light, ihe'll make me drunk t«o.
Bi/^ O pardon me. Sir, you (hall do me right, fill it
higher Now, Sir, can you drink a Healih under
your Leg ?
Dur. Rare Philofophy that. Faith.
Bif, Come, off with it to the Bottom.— Now, how
d'ye like me. Sir ?
Dur. O, mighty well, Madam
Bif, You fee haw a Woman's Fancy varies, fometimes
fplenetic and heavy, then g^^y and frolicfome.— > And how
d'ye like the Humoar?
Dur, Good Madam,. let me fit down to anfwer you,
for ! am heartily tir'd.
Bif. Fye upon t; a young Man, and tir'd I up for
B 4 mamcy
32 The Inconfiant: Or^ \
Ihmne, and walk about, Adlion becomes us-^a little fafter,
Sir — What d'ye think now of my Lady La fah^ and
Lady Cof//f/, the Duke's fair Daughter ? Haf Are they
not brifk LafTes ? Then there is black Mrs. Btllair^ and
brown Mrs. BeVface.
Dur, They are all Strangers to me. Madam.
BiJ". But let me tell you, Sir, that brown is not always
defpicable— O Lard, Sir, if young Mrs. Bagatell had
kept herfelf fingle 'till this Time o°Day, what a Beauty
there had b^en ! And then, you know, the charming
Mrs. Monkeylcve, the fair Gem of St. Germains,
Dur. Upon my Soul, I don't.
Bif* And then you mud have heard of the Engitfi
Beau, Spleenamore, how unlike a Gentlc"man—
Dur. Hey— not a Syllable on't, as I hope to be faved»
Madam.
Bi/. No f Why then play me a Jig. . Come, Sir.
Dur. By this Light I cannot; faith. Madam, I have
ipratn'd my Leg.
Btf. Thea fit you down. Sir ; and now tell me what's
your Bufinefs with me? What's your Errand? Qgick,
ouickj'difpatch — Odfo, may be you are fbroc Gentleman's
Servant, that has brought me a Letter, or a Haurtch of
Vcnifon.
Dur. 'Sdeath, Madam, do I look like a Carrier?
Bi/. O ; cry you Mer^y, I faw you joft now, I m\^
took you, upon my Word : you arc one of the travelling
Gertlemen— and pray. Sir, how do all our impudent
Friends in Italy f
Dur'. Madam, I came to wait on yoa uith a more ft-
rious Intention than your Entertainment has anfwered.
Bi/, Sir, >our Intention of waiting on roe was the
greateft Affront imaginable, howe'er your £xpreiIio5S
may turn it to a Compliment : YourVifit, Sir, was in-
tended as a Prologue to a very fcurvy Play, of which
Mr. Mirabel and you fo handfomcly laid the Plot. — Af«r«
ry ! No, no, Vm a Man of more Honour, Where's your
Honour ? Where's your Courage now ? Ads my Life,
Sir, I have a great Mind to kick you,— Go, eo to your
fellow-Rake now, rail at my Sex and get drunk for
Vexation, and write a Lampoon — But I mull have you
to know. Sir, that my Reputauon is above the Scandal
©f
9%e fP'ay id win him. . 3 j
of a Libel, my Virtut is fuflicientlj approvM to tkofe
whofe Opinion is my Intereft : And for ihe reft, let Uien
talk what ibey will ; iot when I pleafe V\\ be what I
pleafe, in ^ight of you and all Mankind 1 and ib my
dear Mam rf R^momr^ if yon be tir*d, con over this Leflbn,
and fit there till [ opme to yoQ. [Runs fjf..
Dur. Turn ti dum. [^/ir^i] Ha, ha. ha, Ms w^
Lift ': I have a gnat Mind to kick /#» /— Oons and Coa-
fuiion ! [Starts uf\ Was e?er Man io abas'd l-^Ay, Mirrn^
bit iet me on.
Enttr Petit,
Pet. Well, Sir, how d'ye find yourfclf ?
Dur. You Son of a nine-cy'd Whore, d'ye come tO'
abufe me ? TU kick you with a Vengeance, you Doe.
[Petit runs off, and Dur. after him.
4^.4^ lft4ft.4^4^wwW wwft w www ww^w
ACT III.
& C ]^ N E continues.
Old Mirabel and the Toung..
Old Mir. 'b OB, come hither. Bob.
^ Mir. Your Pleafare, Sir ?
Old Mir.. Arc not you a great Rogae, Sirrah }
Mir, That^s a little out of my Comprehenfion, Sir,.
ibr Tve heard fay, that 1 refemblc my Father.
Old Mir. 'Your Father is your very humble Slave — I
tell thee what. Child, thou art a very pretty Fellow,
and I love thee heartily ; and a very great Viilain, and
I hate thee morully.
Mir. Villain, Sir! Then I muft be a very impudent
one, for I can/t recolledl any f^ffagt of my Life that I'm
afiiam'd of.
" Old Mir.. Come^ hither, my dear Friend ; do'ft fee thie
E£lure ? IShetws him a little Picture. .
Mir. Oriava'si Pfhaw f
Old Mir. What, Sir, won't you look upon't ?— ^*i,
dear Boi, jprithee come hither now— 'Do*ft want any Mo-
ney, Child?
Bs Mir.
2^4 ^i^ Inconjlant : Oft
Mir. No, Sir.
Old Mir, Why then here's fome for thee ; come fiere
now How can'ft thou be fo hard-hearted, ^n anna«
tural, unmannerly Rafcal (don't mix^ake me, Child* I
a'n't angry) as to abMfe this tender, lovely, good-natur'd
dear Rogue? Why, Ihe fighs for thee, and cries for
thee, pouts for thee, and fnubs for thee, the poor Httle
Heart of it is like to burfl Come, my dear Boy, be
good-natur'd like your own Father, be now— and then
fee herer read this the Effigies of the lovely Oriana,
with ten thoufand Pound to her Portion — ^ten thoufand
Pound you Dog; ten thoufand Pound you Rogue ; how
, dare yourefuft a Lady, with ten thoufand Pound, you im-
pudent Rafcal ?•
Mir. Will you hear me fpeak. Sir ^
OU Mir. Hear you fpeak, Sir! If you had ten^
thoufand Tongues, you cou'd. not out-talk ten thoufand
Pound, Sir..
Mir. Nay, Sir, if you won't hear me Til be go6e,.
Sir! I'll take Poft ioTjia'y^ this Moment.
Old Mir. Ah! the Fellow knows I won't part withi
him. Well, Sjr,. wha| have you to fayi»
Mir. The univerfal Reception, Sir, that Marriage:
lias had in the. World, is enough to fix it for a pub--
lie Good, and to draw tvtxy body into the common
Caufe ; but there are fome Conftitutions like fome Ih-
ftruments, fo peculiarly fmgular, that they make tole-
rat)Ie Mufic by themftlve^, but never do well in a.
Confort.
Old Mir, Why this is Reafon, I muft confefs, but yet
It is Nonfenfetco; for tho' you ihou'd reafon like an:
Angel, if you argue yourfelf out of a good Eftate, yoci:
talk like a Fool.
Mir. But, Sir, if you bribe, me into Bondage with,
the Riches of Cropfusy you leave me but a Beggar for
want of my Liberty.
Old Mir* Was ever fuch a perverfe. Fool heard ?
*Sdeathj Sih, why did I give you Education ? was it to
difpute me oat of my Senles ? Of what Colour now U
the Head of this Cane? Youll fay 'tis white, and ten
to one make rae ^e'ieve it too > 1 thought that young
Ufljlows iludicd to get Money.,
Mir*,
Tie Way to win Mm. $5
Mir. No, Sir, I have ftadyM to defpi/e it; my Read-*
fug was net to make me rich, but happy, ^ir.
OA/ Mir, There he has me agaia now,. But, Sir, did
not I mariy to oblige you ?
Mir, To oblige me, Sir, in what refpeA pray?
OU Mir. Why, to bring you into the World, Sir;
wasn't that an Obligation ? ^ ^
Mir. And becaule i wou'd have it flill an Obligation^.
I avoid Marriage.
Old Mir. How is that; Sir?
- Mir. Becaufe I wou'd not curfe the Hour I was born.
: Old Mir. Look'e, Friend, you may perfuade me out
of my Defigns, but Til command you out of )ours; and
tho' you may convince my Keafon that you are in the
right, yet there is an old Attendart of Sixty-three,
caird Pofitivenefs, which you nor all the Wits in Italy
ihall ever bo able to (hake: fo, Sir, you're a Wit, and
I'm a Father ; you may talk, but I'll be obey'd.
Mir. This it is to have the Son a finer Gentleman than
the Father; they firft give us Breeding that they don't
onderftand, then they turn us out of Doors 'caufe we are
wifer than themfelves. But I'm a little aforehand with
die old Gentleman, f^^.] Sir, you have been pleased
to fettle a thoufand Pound Sterling a Year upon me ; in
return of which, I have a very great Honour for you and
your Family, and fhall take care that your only and
beloved Son fhall do nothing to make him hate his Fa-
ther, or to hang himfelf. So, dear Sir, I'm your very
humble Servant [Runs off',
. O/dMir. Het€, Sirrah, Rogue, Boir, Villain!
i Enter Dugard.
Dug. Ah, Sir, 'tis but what he deferves.
Old Mir. 'Tis falfe, Sir, he don't deferve if: what
have you to fay againfl my Boy, Sir ?
Dug. I fhall only repeat your own Words.
Old Mir. What have you to do with my Words ? I
have fwallow'd my Words already, I have eaten them
up, and how can you come at 'em. Sir?
Dug. Very eafily, Sir: 'Tis but mentioning your
injur'd Ward, and you will throw them up again im-
fliediately.
OldMir^ Sir, youf Sifter wai a foolifti young Flirt (o
truil
3^
Vbe Jmonfian/ : Oti
trail any facb yooag, deceitfaU rakti-hcUy Rogtie^ Kke
iim. .
Di^. Cry you Mercy, old Geatkmtn, I thoagbt we
fiiou'd have the Wordji again.
Old Mir, And what then ? ^it the way with ycmng
Fellows to flight old Gentleman's Wordaf, yot never"
Qiind 'em when you ought. — I Tay^ that B9b*% an htfneft
Fellow, and who daf eft deny it ?
Enter Bifarre.
Bif. That dare I, Sir : — I fay, that your Son is a wild*
foppiih, whimfKral, impertinent Coxcomb; and were I
abus'd as this Gen^eman's Sifter id, I wou*d make it an
Italian Quarrel, and poifon the whole Family. '
/)Ǥ-. Come, Sir, 'cis no Time for triflings my Sifter
IS abus'd ; you are made feniibJe of the A^ont, and /our
honour is concern'd to, fee her redrefs'd.
Old Mir, Look*e, Mr. Dugard^ good Words go fat-
(heft. I will do your Sift^er Juftice, but it mv& be after
my own rate, no body muft abuie my Son bat myfelf.
For altho' Rtihin be a fad Dog, yet he's no body's Poppy
but my own.
Bif. Ay, that's my fwcet-natur'd; kind old Gentle-
man— ^[^i6#/i^/»j' him,'] We will be goodthen, if youll'f
jjoin with, us in the Plot.
Old Min» Ah, you coaxing young Baggage,. wJiat Plot-
can you have to wheedle a Fellow of Sixty-three ?.
Bif' A Plot that Sixty-three is only good £pt> to bring
other People togeth«r. Sir; a Spanifi Plot lefs dangerom
than that of Eighty-eightj and you muft aft the Spaniard:
'caufe your Son will leaft fufpe6t you ; and if he fhou'd,
your Authority proefts you from a Quarrel,, to-whict
OrJa?m h unwilling to expofe her Brother.
Old Mir. And what. Part, will you aQ ih.theBufinefs^
Madam ?
J5//; Myfelf, Sir; my Friend is. grown a perfect
Changeling : thefe fooliih Hearts of ours fpoil our Heads,
prefenily ; the Fellows no fooner turn Knaves, but we
turn Fools : But I am ftill myfelf, and he may expedl
the moft fevere Ufage from me, 'caufe 1 neither love himj^
nor hate him. [^Exiu
Old Mir, Well faid, Mrs. Paradox j but, Sir, who«
muft open the Matter to him ^
Vug.,
Tii Jf^ay to mn Urn. ^
Dtgk Pitlff Sir0 who b owr Engiaeei^^eiieral. Aad
l^cre he comes.
EtHer P^tit.
Pit. O Sk» more Difcoveries ^ ve til Friimda abeii^^
«i?
Dug. Ay, ay, fpcak fjreely-.
Pa^ Yovt muk know^ Sir,— ^-^od*! my Life, I*m oift
of Br«atb ; you maft know. Sir, — yon muft know—
OU Mir. What the Devil, mcft we know. Sir ?
Pet. That I ' have [PoMti and hlvwi\ brib'd, Sf,
Wib'd— >yMrr Sdn's Secretary ef State.
Old Mir. Secretary of State !— who*s that for Heiv'n*8
lake?
PH. Hi» Valet-de-Ghanbre, Sir? Ybu mod know^
Sir, ihat the Intngue lay folded np with his Mafter*a
Clothes, and when he went to duft the embroidered Suit,
the Seeret tew out of the right Pocket of his Coat, in 9^
whole fwanta of your Cramlx> Songs>, ihort-footed Odet,
and long*legg'd Pindarias^
Old Mir. impoffbie!
Pet. Ah« Sir, he has lov'd her all along; there was
Oriana in tyery Line, but he hates Marriage . Now, Sir,
tliis Plot will itir op his Jealoofy, and we fliall know by
the StFongth •f that how to proceed, farther.
Comr, Sir, lets about it with fpeed,
*Tis Expedition gives onr King the Sway^
For Expedition to the FreneB give way ;
Swift to attack, or fwift — to run away. [Exennt.
Enter Mirabel «n/ Bi^re, faffing earele/siy hy ene another..
Bif. [Jfide.'] I wonder what (he- can fee in this FcyiOw
to like him ?
Mir. [v^Jfe^.J I wonder what my Friend can i^e in this
Girl to admire her ?
Bif. [^Afide.'\ A wild, foppiih, extravagant Rakc-hcll.
Mir. l^de.} A light, whimfical, impertinent Mad-^-
Cap.
Bi/. Whom do you mcan^ Sir ?
Mir. Whom do you mean, Madam f
Bi/ A Fellow that has nothing left to re-eftablifh him
for a hum^ Creature, but a prudent Refolution to h^ng
himfelf.
jS ^bd Inconftant : Or^
Mr. There is a Way, Madam, to fbrce me to* that
Refolution.
J5//. ril do't with all my Heart.
Mr. Then you muft marry me.
Bi/, Look^e, Sir, don't think your ill Manners to me
fhall excufa your ill Ufage of my Friend ;. nor by fixing
a Quarrel here, to divert my Zeal for the abfent ; for Vm
refolv'd, nay, I come prepared to make you a Panegy^
ric, that fhalL mortify your Pride like an/ modern Dedi-
cation.
Mir, And t, Madam, like a true modern Patron, (hall
hardly give you thanks for y-our Trouble.
Bi/. Come, Sir, to let you fee what little Foundatioi
you have for your dear Sufficiency, I'll take you t#
pieces.
Mir. And what Piece will you-chuft ?
Bi/. Your Heart, to be fure; 'caufe I fhou'd get pre»»
fently rid on't;, your Courage I wou'd give to a Hedtor^
your Wit to a lewd Play-maker, your Honour to an AU
torney, your Body to the Phyficians, and your Soul to its
Mailer.
Mir. I had the oddefl Dream lad Night of the Dutcheis
of Burgundy ; methought the Furbelows of her Gown
were pinn*d up fo high behind,, that 1 cou'd not fee her
Head for her Tail.
Bi/. The Creature don't mind me ! do you think. Sir,,
that your humourous Impertinence can divert me ? No,.
Sir,. I'm above any Pleafure that you can give, but that
of feeiiTg you miferable. And mark me, Sir, my Friend,,
my injur'd Friend (hall yet be doubly happy, and yoE
fhall be a Hufband as much as the Rites of Marriage, and'
the Breach of 'em can make you.
[ Here Mirabel pul/j out a Virgil, and rtads to himfelf '
nxibVe Jhe fpeaks.'\
Mir, [Reading.] y^/ Regina do.os^ (quis falter e fofftt:
amaniem ?J
DtJJimulare etidm fptrafi^ fiffde ianlum [Very true.]
Pojfi nefas.
By your Favour, Friend VirgiU 'twas but a rafcally
Trick of your Hero to forfake poor Pug fo inhumanly^
Bif.'^l don't know what lo fay to him. The Devil— - '
ikhai*5 r/r^;7 to us, Sir ?
Mr. .
Tie fTajr to win him. ^g-
Mir. Very much. Madam, the mofl a^rpfts in the
World— for, what fhou'd I chop upon, but the very Place
where ihe perjur'd Rogue of a Lover and the forfaking
Lady are battling it Tooih and Nail. Come, Madam,
ff end your Spirits no longer, we'll take an cafier Me-
thod : ril ht\£niai now, and you fhall be Didtk^ and we'll
rail by Book. Now for you, Madam Dido»
Nee te nofier amor^ nee te data dexter a quondam^
Nee Moriiura tenet crudeli funere Dido
Ah, poor Dido ! \Looking at hen.
Bif, Rpdenefs, Affronts, Impatien<e f i coa'd almoll
flart out even to Manhood, and wane but a VVeapoi as
long as his to figlit him upon the Spot. What fiiall I
fay?
Mir* Now ft« rants.
^a qui bus anteferam ? /am jam nee Maxima Juntr,
Bif, A Man ! No, the Woman's Birth was . fpirited
away.
Mir, Right, right, Madam, the very Words.
Bif And feme pernicious Elf left in the Cradle with
buman Shape to palliate growing Mifchief.
[^Both /peak together i and raife their Foieet by Degrees.
Mir. Perfide, fed duris genuit te Cautihus borrens*
Caucafusy Hyreameque admorunt Ubera Tigres,
Bif Go, Sir, fly to your Midnight Revels. ■
Mir. [Excellent] I fquere Italiam vet^tis^ pete regna
per undas,
Spero equidem mediis, ft quid pi a Numina poffunt*
['Together again »
Bif Converfe with Imps of Darknefs of your Make,
your Nature ftarts at Juftice, and fliivers at the Touch
of Virtue. Now the Devil take his Impudence, he
vexes me fo, I don't know whether to cry or laugh at
him.
Mir. Bravely perform'd, my dcsLT Libyan; Til write
the Tragedy of Dido^ and you fhall afl the Part : But
you do nothing at all, unlefs you fret yourfelf into a Fit ;
for here the poor Lady is ftifled with Vapours, drops into
tbcArmsof her Maids; and th« crueV barbarous, de-
•titfui
40 rbelnconftant: Or^
teitfal Wimdefer, is in the verf next Line! cidlM Pious
JEneas. — There's Authority iot ye.
Sorry indeed jEneas ftood
To fee her i« a Pout ;
But Jove himfelf, who ne'er thought good
To ftay a fecond Bout,
Commands him off with all his Crew,
And leaves poor Dy^ as I leave you» [Runs of.
Bif, Go thy ways, for a dear, mad, deceitful, agree-
able fellow. O' my Confcience I muft excufe Otsdmm.
That Lover foon his angry Fair difarms,
'Whofe Slighting pkafes, and whofe Faults areCharms*
Enter Petir, runs about to e'very Door^ and knoch.
Pet, Mr. Mirabel/ Sir, where are you I no wliere. ta
be found ?
Enter Mirabel.
Mr. What's the Matter, Petit P
Pet. M oft critically met Ah, Sir,, that one who his
followed the Game fo long, and brought the poor Hare
juft under his Paws, (hoald let a Mungrel Cor chop xii|
and run away with the Pufs.
Mir. If your Worfhip can get ont of your Allegoiies^
be pleas'd to tell me in three Words what you mean.
Pet. Plain, plain. Sir. Your Miftreii and mind is
going to be marry'd.
Mir. I believe you lye, Sir.
Pet. Your humble Servant, Sir. [Goin^
Mir. Come hither, Petit. Marry'd, fay you?
Pet. No, Sir, 'tis no' Matter ; 1 only thought to da-
you a Service, but I fliall take Care how I coofcr my
favours for the future.
Mir. Sir, I beg ten thoufand Pardons. ^Bowing io«ur*.
Pet. 'Tis enough, Sir, — I come to tell you. Sir, that
Oriana is this Moment to be facriiiced ; marry'd paft Re^-
demotion.
Mir. I underftand her, ihc'll take a Hufband out of
Spight to me, and then out of Love to me fhe will make
him a Cuckold ; 'tis ordinary with Women to marry one
Perfon for the Sake of another, and to throw therofelvct-
into rhe Arms of one they hate, to fecure their Pleafure
with the Man they love. But who is the happy Man ?
Tie Way to win him. 41
Pet. A Lord, Sir.
Mir. I'm her Ladvfhip*8 moft hamble Senrant ; a Train
and a Title, hey ! Room for my Lady*s Coach, a Prbnt-
row in the Box for her Lady (hip ; Lights, Lights for her
Honour. — Now muft I be a conllabt Attender at my Lord*s
Levee, to work my Way to my Lady's Coachee a
Countefs; 1 prefume, Sir. »■■
i't/. A Sfangjh Count, Sir, that Mr. Dugard knew
abroad, is come to Paris, faw your Miftrefs Yellerday,
marries herTo*day, and whips her into 5/<uff To-morrow.
Mir. Ay, is it lo ? and mull 1 follow my Cuckold over
the Pyrtntti T Had (he marry'd within the Prccindls of a
BilleC'-douxy I would be the Mitn to lead her to Church ;
but As it happens^ I'll forbid the Banns. Where is thi«
sniehty Don \
Pet. Have a Care, Sir, he's a rough crofs-grained
Piece, and there's no tampering with him ; wou'd yoo
apply to Mr. Dutardt or the Lady herfelf, fomething
might be done, for it is in Defpight to you, that the
Biifinefs it carry'd (6 hafiily. ' Odfo, Sir, here he comes.
I muft be gone. \^ixi'%
Enter Old Mir. dreJJUdin a Spanifli Habit, leading Oriana*
Ori, Good my Lord, a nobler Choice had better fuited
your Lord(hip's Merit. My Ferfon, Rank, and Circum-
Aance. expoie me as the vublic Theme of Raillery, and
{ubje£l me (b to injurious Ufage, my L>ord, that I can lay
no v^laim to any Part of yourKejg;ard, except your Pity.
Old Mir, Breathes he vital Air, that dares prefume
With rude Behaviour to profane fuch Excellence ?
Shew me the Man r—
And you ihall fee how my fudden Revenge
Shall fall upon tbe Head of fuch Prefumption.
Is this Thing one? [Strutting up to Mirabel;
Mir. Sir!
Ori. Good my Lord.
id Mir. If he, or any he!
Ori, Pray, ray Lord, the Gentleman's a Stranger.
Old Mir, your Pardon, Sir,—- but if you had — re-
member. Sir, — the Lady now is mine, her Injuries are
mines therefore. Sir, you underftand me Come,
l^Adam. \_Leads Oriana to tbe Door, Jhe goes off, Mir.
runs to bis Father, and fulls him by- tbe-
^kevf, Mir.
4t ^he Inconjiam : Or^
Mir, E^duie^ Monjieur Le Count,
iDld Mir. Your Bufinefs, Sir ?
. Mir, Boh I
Old Mir, Boh! What Language is that. Sir?
Mir, Spani/h, my Lord.
Old Mir. What d*ye mean?
Mir. This, Sir. [Trips vp bU Heiff,
Old Mir, A very concife Quarrel, truly I'll bully
him.'— ITr/w/VatfV Seigneur^ give mc fa r PUy.
[Offering to rift.
Mir. By all Means, Sir, [Takes aiviy his 6<word] Now
Seigneur f w here's that bombaft Look, aod fuitian Face
your Councftup wore juft now ? [Sfrihs him
Old Mir. The Rogue quarrels wel{, very well,^ my
own Son righ<! — But hold, Sirrah^ no more Jeilxng;
I'm your Father, Sir, your Father !
Mir. My Father ! Then by this Light I could find
in my Heart to pay thee. [Ujide,"] Is the Fellow mad ^
Why fure, Sir,-I ha'n't frighted you out of your Senfes^
Old Mir. But you have. Sir,
Mir. Then TU beat them into you again.
[Offers to firike Unf.
Old Mir. Why, Rogue — Boh^ dear Eob^ don't yon
know me. Child?
M>. Ha, ha, ha, the Fellow's downright didraded:
Thou Miracle of Impudence \ wou'dfl thou make me
believe that fuch a grave Gentleman as my Father wou^
go a Mafqucrading thus ? That a Ferfon of Thrcefcore
and Three would run about in a Fool's Coat to difgrace
himfelf and Family ? ^^ hy, you impudent Villain, da
you think I will fuffer fuch an Affront to pafs upon my
honour'd Father, my worthy Father, my dear Father \
^Sdeath, Sir, mention my Father but once again, and 111
fend your Soul to thy Grandfather this Minute \
[Offering to fiab him.
Old Mir, Well, well, I jam not your Father..
Mir, Why then, Sir, you are the iaucy, he£loring
Spaniard, and 1*11 ufe you accordingly.
Old Mir, The Devil take the Spaniards^ Sir, we have
•all got nothing but Blows Htice we began to .take thtijr
Part.
Entep
the Way to win htm. 4j
Enter Dagard, Oriana, Maid, Petit. Dagard rum t9
Mirabel, the reft to the Old Gentleman,
Dug. Fye, fye, Mirabel, murder your Father !
Mir. My Father! What is the whole Family road?
Give me Way, Sir, I won't be held.
Old Mir, No ? nor 1 neither; let me be gone, pray.
[Offering to go*
Mir, My Father !
Old Mir, Ay, you Dog's Face! I am your Father,
for I have bore as much for thee, as your Mother ever
did. . s^.
Mir, O ho f then this was a Trick, it (eems a Defign,
a Contrivance, a Stratagem—Oh I how my Bones ach i
Old Mir-, Your Bones, Sirrah, why youri?
Mir, Why, Sir, han't I been beating my own FIe(h
and Blood all this while? O, Madam, [To Oriana.} I
wiih your Lad^^fliip Joy of your new Dignity. Here was
a Contrivance indeed.
• ^ Pet, The Contrivance was Well enough. Sir, for they
. imposed upon us all.
Mir, Well, my dear Dulcinea, did your Don ^mixofe
battle for you bravely ? My Father will anfwer for the
Force of my Love.
Ori, Pray, Sir, den't infult the Misfortunes of your
own creating.
Dug, My Prudence will be counted Cowardice, if I
(land tamely now. — [Comes up between Mirabel emd his
Sifer'] Well, Sir!
Mir, Well, Sir ! Do you take me for one of your
Tenants, Sir, that you puc on your Landlord face at me ?
Dug, Oh what Frelumption, Sir, dare you aflifme
thus f [Dratujs,
. Old Mir. What's that to you, Sir. ' [Draws.
Pet. Help! help! the Lady faints.
[Oriana /aflj into her Maid*s Arms.
Mir, Vapours! Vapours I (he'll come to t^rfclf : If it
be an angry Fit, a Dram of Jffa Fcetida — If Jealoufy,
Harts-horn in, Water— If the Mother, burnt Feathers—
• If Grief, RatiJia-^-^lf it be ftrait Srays, or Corns, there's
nothing like a Dram of plain Brandy.
Ori, Hold off, give me Air O my Brother, would
you prcferve my Life, endanger not your owo ; woulcj
yoa
44 7** Hmnfi^nt : Or^
you defWnd my Reputation, leave it to itfelf ; "tis a dwf
Vindication that's purchased by the Sword ; for the' our
Chanrpion proves vidorious, yet our Honour is wounded,
0/</ Mir, Ay, and your Lover may be wounded, that's
another Thing. But I think you are pretty briik agaifi»
my Child. ^
Ori, Ay, S r, my Indifpofition was only a Pretence
to divert the Quarrel ; the capricious Taile of your 6cx^
«xcufes this Artifice in ours^
Foy off en f luhen our chief PerfeSlhns fail^
Our chief Defeas ^ithfoolijh Mm prevail. [Exiu
Pet. Come. Mr. DugMrei, take Courage, there is a wif
Hill left to fetch him again.
0/J. Mir, SiTi V\l have no Plot that has any Relatioa
to Sfaim.
Dug, Ifcorn all Artifice whatfoever i ny Stvord lb<ll
do her Juftice.
Pet. Pretty Juftice„ truly ! Sappofe ydu Tim hlrii thro^
the Body ; you run her thro' the Heart at the fame Timt.
Old Mir, And me thro' the Head — rot your Sword,
Sir^ we'll have Plots } come» Petitt let's heir.
Pet, What if (he pretended to go into a Ntmnery, aid
fo bring him about to declare himfelf ?
Dug, That I muft confefs has a Face.
Oid Mir. A Fuce ! A Pace like an Angel, Sir. Ad*8 ray
Life» Sir, 'tis the moft beautiful Plot in Cbrifitnd»m.
We'll about it immediately. \Exmiit.
SCENE, Thi Street
Duretete attJ Mirabel.
Dur. [Fn a Paffion.'] And iho' I can't dance, nor fing,.
nor talk like you, yet I can light, yoa know I can, Sir.
Mif, I know thou can'ft, Man.
Dur. 'Sdeath, Sir, and I will : Let me fee the proudeft
Han alive make a Jei^ of me ?
Mir, But riy engage to make you amends.
Dur. Danc'd to Death f Baited like a Bear! RidiculMt
threaten'd to be kick'd 1 Confufion ! Sir, you fet me on,
and I will have Saltisfa6\ion ; all Mankind will point at me.
Mir. [j^fiie.] 1 muft give this Thunderbolt fome Paf-
^8«»
Tki Way $0 win him. 45-
4age, or *twili break upon my own Head^-IjOok*e^ Dure'
tfte, what do thek Gentlemen laugh at i
Sutir i*w» Gtntimea.
Dur,kt me, to he fure^ Sir* wkat made you laugh at mv }
1 Gen, You*te auftakeo, Sir, if we were merry, we had
afiBTafteReafon.
2 Gen, Sir, we don't knovr- you.
Dur, Sir, Til malse you know me \ mark and obferve me,
2 won*t be nam'd ; it (han't bemention'd, hot even whif.
pfrM lu your Prayers ^t Churcii. ^Sdeath^ Sir, d>f ftsile f
I Gen, Not 1, upon my Word.
Dur, Why then, look p^rave as an Owl in a Bam, or
a Friar with his Crow.n 4 fliaying,
Mir, [Ajiie to the Gent.'] Don't be bully'd out of your
Humour, Gentlemfn \ the Fellow's mad^ U4g!\ 9( him,
and ril ftand by you.
I Gen. I gad and ib WC wil]«
B^tb. Ha, ha^ ha.
Dm. Very pretty. [Dra^ws.'] She' threatened to kick
me. Ay, then, you Dogs, I'll murder ye. [Fights^ and
btAts tbmi off^ Mir. runs oiuer to his Side*
Mir. Ha, ha, ba, bravely done, Duretete, there you had
him, mable Captain ; hey, they rvn, they run, Vi^oria,
Vifforia'-^VlAf ha, ha — how happy am I m an excellent
Friend ! Tell me of your Virtuofo's and Men of Senfe, a
parcel of four-fac'd Iplenctic Rogues — a Man of my thin
Conditution fhould never want a Fool in his Company :
I don't afie^ your fine Things that improve the Under-
ftanding, but hearty laughing to fatten my Carcafe : And
in my t onfcience, a Man of Senfe is as melancholy with-
out a Coxconib, as a Lion without a Jacka ) ; he hunts
for our Diveriion, Aarts Game for our Spleen, and per* ,
feiUy feeds us with Pleafure^ '
I hate the Man who rnake^ Ac^uaintanjce nice.
And ftill difcreetly plagues me with Advice j ♦
Who moves by Cation, and mature Delays^.
And muft giye jl^afons for whatever he faya.
The M4B< indefd» wbofe Converle i^ fo full.
Makes me attentive, but it makes me dull :
Give me the carel^is Rogue, who njevcr think^,^
That plays the Fool as freely as he drinks.
Not
4^ TIhe Inconftani : Or,
Not a BufFoon, who is Buffoon by Trade,
But one that Nature, not his Wants have made.
Who dill is merry, but does ne'er defign it ;
And ftill is ridicul'd, but ne'er can find it.
Who when he's moft in earnelt, is the bcA ;
And his moft grave Expreflion is a Jell, \^ExiU
7 be End of the Third ACT.
A C T IV.
SCENE, Old Mirabel' J Houfe.
Enter Old Mirabel and Dugard.
J)>ug> TT^ ^ ^ Lady Abbeis is my Relation^ and privy
JL to the Plot : Your Son has been there, but
had no Admittance beyond the Privilege of the Grate,
and there my Sifter refus'd to fee him. He went off
more nettled at his Repulfe, than I thought his Gafety
could admit.
,'QldMir, Ay, ay, this Nunnery will bring him about,
I warrant ye.
Enter Durctete.
. Dur. Here, where are ye all ?— Q ! Mr. Mirahely you
have done fine Things for your Pofterity — And you, Mr. .
Dugard, may come to anfwer this — I come to demand my
Ff iend at your Hands ; reftore him, Sir, or — [To Old Mir.
Old Mir. Reftorc him! What d'ye think I have got
kim in my Trunk, or my Pocket I
Dur, Sir, he's mad, and you're the Caufe on*t.
Old. Mir, That may be ; for I was as mad as he when
I begot him.
Dug. Mtd, Sir ! What d'ye mean ?
Dur. What do you mean, Sir, by (hutting up your
Sifter yonder to talk like a Parrot thro a Cage ? Or a De-
coy-duck, to draw others into the Snare ? Your Son, Sir,
becaufe (he kas defeited him, he has/brfaken the World?
and in three Words, has ■ »
OU
9lte Way to win him. 47.
OM Mr, Hang'd himfcif !
Dur. The very lame, turned Friar.
Old Mir. You Jye; Sir, 'tis ten times worfe. Boh tum'd
Friar ! — Why ihould the Fellow (have his foolilh Crown
when the fame Razor may cut his Throat ?
Dur. If vou have any Command, or you ary Intereft
over him, lo/e not a Minute : He has thrown himfelf
into the next Monaflery, and has ordered me to pay^oiF
his Servants* and difcharge his Equipage.
Old Mir. Let me alone to ferret him out ; Til facrifica
the Abbot, if he receives him ; I'll try whether the Spi-
ritual or the Natural Father has the mod Right to the
Child. But, dear Captain, what has he done with his
Eftate ?
Dur. Settled it upon the Church, Sir.
'. Old. Mir. The Church ! NaJ^, then the Devil won't
get him out of their Clutches Ten thoufaiid Livres a
Year upon the Church! M is downright Sacrilege — Come^
Gentlemen all Hands to work ; for half that Sum, one
oi thefe Monaftries (hall prcteft you a Traytor from the
Law, a Rebellious Wife from her Huiband, and a Di(^
obedient Son from his own Father. [Exit,
Dug. But will ye perfuade me tbat he^s gone to a Mo-
XiSL&cry ?
Dur. Is your Siller gone to the Filhs Repemies ? I tell
you. Sir, (he's not (it for the Society of repenting Maids.
Dug. Why fo. Sir ?
Dur. Bccanfe (he's neither one nor t'other ; (he*s too old
to be a Maid, and too young to repent.
\ixit \ Dug; after him.
SCENF, the Ififide of a Monaflery; Oriana in a NutCi
Hahit ; Bi(arre. ,
Ori. I hope, Bifarrey there is no harm in jelling with
this Religious Habit.
Bif. Tome, the greateft Jefl in the Habit, is taking it
in earneft : I dbn't>underftand this imprifoning People with
the Keys of Paradife^ nor the Merit of that. Virtue which
comes by Conftraint.— Befiides, we may own to one an-
other, that we are in the worft Company when among
ourfelvcs ; for our private Thoughts run us into thofe
De(ires> which our Pride refills from ;he Attack cf jhe
I World;
48 The Ineonfiant: Otj
World ; and, you may remember, the firft Woman inet
the Devil when (he retir'd from her Man.
Ori. But Vm reconciPd^ methinks, to the Mortificatioa
of a Nunnery ; becaufe 1 fancy the Habit becomes me.
Bi/. A well.contriv'd Mortification, truly, that makes
a Woman look ten times handfomer than (he did before !
•—Ay, my Dear, wer£ there any Religion in becoming
Drefs, our Sex's Devotion were rightly plac'd; for our
1 oilets would do the Work of the Altar; ^e (hoa*d att
be canonized.
OrL But don't you think there is a great deat of Me-
rit in dedicating a beautiful Face and Ferfon to the Ser-
vice of Religion ?
Bi/. Not half fo much as devoting 'em to a pretty Fel-
low : If our Feminality had no Bufinefs in this World,
why was it fent hither ? Let us dedicate our beautiful
Minds to the Service of Heaven. And for our handfome
Perfons ; they become a Box at the Play, as well as a
Pew in the Church»
Ori. But the Viciflitude of Fortune, the Inconilancy
of Man, with other Difappointments of Life, require (bmc
Place of Religion, for a Refuge from their Perfecution.
Bi/. Ha, ha, ha, and dp you think there is any Devo^
,tion in a Fellow's going to Church, when he takes it only
for a Sandtuary ? Don^t you know that Religion contfts
in Charity with all Mankind ; and that yon mould never
think of being Friends with Heaven, till you have quar-
relled with all the World. Come, come, mind your
Bufinefs, Mirahl loves you, 'tis now plain, and hold him
to't; give frefh Orders that he (han't fee you : We get
more by hiding our Faces fometimes, than by expouoji
them ; a very Mafk, you fee, whets Defire; bcit a Pair
of keen £yes thro' an Iron Grate fire double upon 'emt
with View and Difguife. But i muft be gone upon mf
^^airs, I have brought my Captain about again.
Ori, But why will you trouble yourfelf with that Cox-
comb ?
Bi/, Becaufe he is a Coxcomb ; had I not better have a
Lover like him, that I can make an Afs of, than a Lover
like yours, to make a Fool of me. [^Knocking helo^w^l A
Meffagc from Mtrabet. I'll lay my Life. [^Sht runs to thi
JOc«r. jCome hither, run, thou charming N un come hither.
I Ori.
The Way to win him. 49
OrL What's the News ? [Runs to bcr.
Bif. Don't you fee who's below ?
Ori. I fee nO body but a Friar.
Bi/, Ah I Thou poor blind Cupid! O' my Confcicncc,
thefe Hearts of ours fpoil our Heads inftantly ! the fellows'
no fooncr turn Knaves, than we turn Fools. A Friar I
Pon't you fee a villainous genteel Mien under that Clbak
of Hypocrify, the loofe carelefs Air oC a tall Rake-hclly
Fellow ?
Ori. As I live, Mirabel turn'd Friar ! I hope, in
Heaven, he's not in eameft.
Bi/. In earned : Ha, ha, ha, are you in earned ? Now's
your time ; this Difguife has he certainly taken for a PafT-
port, to get in and try your Refolutions ; fticic to your
Habit, to be fure ; treat him with Difdain, rather than
Anger ; for Pride becomes u<. more than Paffion : Remem-
ber what I fay, if you wou'd yield to advantage, ^nd hold
out the Attack ; to draw him on, keep him ofz to be fure.
The cunning Gam^ijiers ne'uer gain too f aft ^
But lofe at fir ft y to nvin the more at laft, [Exit.
don
wou
Ori. His condng puts me into fome Ambiguity, I
)n't know how ; I don't Tear him, but I miftruft myfelf;
^ou'd he were not come, yet I wou'd not ha«f him gone
neither ; Vm afraid to talk with him, but I love to fee
him tho*.
^ What aftrange Poujer has this f ant aft ic Tire^
That makes us dread even luhat nxje tnoft deftre !
Enter Mirabel in a Friar's Hahit,
Mir. Save you, Sifter — Your Brother, young Lady,
having a regard for your Soul's Health, has fent me to
prepare you for the facred Habit by Confeffion.
Or/.^ That's falfe, the cloven Fooc already. \Afede,'] My
Brother's Care I own ; and to you, facred Sir, I confefs,
that the great crying Sin which I have long indulg'd, and
now prepare to expiate, was Love. My Morning Thoughts,
my Evening Prayers, my Daily Mufings, Nightly Cares,
was Love ! My prefent Peace, my future Blifs, "the Joy of
Earth, and Hopes of Heaven ! I all contemn'd for Love !
Mir, She's downright ftai k mad in earneft ; Death and
X^onfufion, I have loft her! [/IJidei\ You confcfs your
VoL.H. C Fault,
so The Inconjlant : Or',
Fault, Madam, in fuch moving Terms, that I could al*
moil be in love with the_Sin.
Ori. Take care. Sir ; Crimes, like Virtues, are their
own Rewards ; my chief Delight became my only Grief;
he in whofe Breaft I thought my Heart (ecure, turned
Robber, and defpoil'd the Treafure that he kept.
Mir, Perhaps that Treafure he eftcems fo much, that
like the Mifer, tho' afraid to ufe ir, he referves it fafe.
Ori, No, holy Father : who can be a Mifer in another*8
Wealth, that's prodigal of his own ? His Heart was open,
Ihar'd to all he knew, and what, alas ! muft then become
of mine ! But the fame eyes that drew this Faffton in, fhall
fend it out in Tears, to which now hear my Vow. —
J^ir. [Di/co'vering bimfelf,'] No, my fair Angel, but let
me repent; here on my Knees behold the Criminal, that
vows Repentance his. Ha ! No Concern upon her !
Ori, This Turn is odd, and the Time has been, that
fuch a fudden Change wou'd have furprifi'd me into fome
Confufjon.
Mr. Reflore that happy Time, for T am now returned
to myfelf, for I want but Pardbn to deferve your Favour,
and here Di fix till you relent and give it.
Or$, Groveling, fordid Man ; why would you a6t a
Thing to make you kneel. Monarch in your Pleafures to
be Slave to your Faults ? Are all the Conquefts of your
wand'ring Sway, your Wit, your Humour, Fortune, all
reduc'd to the bafe cringing of a bended Knee ? Servile .
/and Poor J — Pray Heav'n this Change be real. \^^fide,
Mir, I come not here to juftify my Fault but my Sub-
miifion, for tho* there be a Meannefs in this humble Pof-
tare, 'tis nobler flill to bend when Jullice calls, than to
refill Convidion.
Ori, No more— — thy eft repeated violated Words re-
proach my weak Belief, 'tis the fevered Calumny to hear
thee {peak ; that humble Follure tvhich once cou'd raife,^
now mortifies my Pride ; how can'il thou hope for Pardon
from one that you affront by alking it ?
Mir. Rif€s,'\ In my own Caufe I'll plead no mere, but
give me leave to intercede for you againfl the hard Injunc-
tionsbf that Habit, whivh for my Fault you wear.
Ori, Surprifing Infolence ! My grratelt Fos pretends
HP give ZAe Cpunfel \ but 1 am too warm upon fo cool a
Sub*
Tibe Way to win him. 51
Sal jeA. My Refolutions, Sir, are fixM ! but as oor Hearts
were onited with the Ceremony of oar Eyes.fo I (hall fpare
iome Tears to the Separation. [^<?f/x.] That's all ; farcwel.
Mr. And muft 1 lofe her? No. \Jiuns and catches Jber.]
Since all my Prayers are vain, I'll ufe the nobler Argu-
ment of Man, and force you to the Juflice you refufe ;
yottVe mine by Pre-contraft : And where's the Vow fo
iacred to difannul another ? Til urge my Love, your
Oath, and plead my Caufe 'gainfl all Monadic Shifts
upon the Earth.
Ori. Unhand me, Baviiher! Wow'd voa prophanc thcfc
holy Walls with Violence ? Revenge for all my pail Dif.
grace now offers, thy Life (hou'd anfwer this, wou'd I
provoke the Law : Urge me no farther, but be gone.
Mir. Inexorable Woman, let me kneel again. ^Kneels.
Enter Old Mirabel.
Old Mir. Where, where's this counterfeit Nun ?
Ori, M«dnefs I Confufion f Tm ruin'd !
Mir. What do I hear ? [Puts on bis Hood} What did
you fay, Sir !
Old Mir. I fay (he's a Counterfeit, and you may be an-
other for ought I know, Sir ; 1 have loft my Child by
thefe Tricks, Sir.
Mir. What Tricks, Sir ?
Old. Mir. By a pretended Trick, Sir. A Contrivance
to bring my Son to Reafon, and it h^s made h m Hark
mad ; 1 have loil him and a thoufand Pound a Year.
Mir. ipifco^vering bimfelf.'] My dear Father, I'm your
moll humble Servant.
Old Mir. My dear Boy, {Runs and kiffes him.'] Welcome
ex luferiSf my dear Boy, 'tis all a Trick, Ihe's no more a
l\un chat I am.
Mi-. No !
Old Mir. The Devil a bit.
Mir. Then kifs me again, my dear Dad,* for the moft
happy News — And now moll venerable holy filler. [Kneels.
Tour Mercy and your Pardon I implore.
For the Offence of ajking it before.
Look'e, my dear counterfeiting Nun, take my Advice, be
a Nun in good Cirncfl; Women ma:e the beft Nuns al-
ways whc.i they can't do otherwife. /.h; my dear Father,
C 2 thei*«
52 The Inccftftann Or^
there is a Merit in your Son*s Behaviour that yoQ little
think ; the free Deportment of fuch Fellows as I, makes
more Ladies Religious, than all the Pulpits in Franct.
Ori. O ! Sir, how unhappily have you deftroy'd what
was fo near Perfection ! He is the Counterfeit that bat
deceived you.
Old, Mir. Ha! Look*e, Sir, I recant, fheisaNun.
Mir. Sir, your humble Servant, ihcn Tm a Friar this
Moment.
Old Mir, Was ever an old Fool fo banter'd by a Brace
o'youDg ones ; hang you both, you're both Counterfeits,
and my Plot's fpoiPd, that's all.
Or/. Shame and Confufion, Love, Anger, and Di(ap-
pointment, will work my Brain to Madnefs.
ITakes off her Habit. Exit'.
Mir, Ay, ay, throw by the Rags, they have ferv'd k
turn for us both, and thcyilialle^ngo off together.
[flakes off his HMbit.
Thus thefick Wretchy 'when tortured by his Pain,
And find i-ng all EJ] ays for life are 'vain ;
Wh'! the t*hyfician an no more defgn^
^hen ca'l the other DoSior, the Di<vine.
h 'hai I'oixjs to Hea-vent 'wou^d Heaven reftore his Health t
Vows all to Heaven, his Thought St his Actions ^ Wealth :
But if rejlord to Vigcur as before ^
His Health refufes 'what his Sicknefs fn.More.
The Body is no fooner Raised and tVelly
But the rjoeuk Houl relapfes into III ;
To all its former Sowing of Life /"f led^
And lea'ves its f^o'ws and Promifes in Bed,
[Exit, thro'wing a^way the Habit,
SCENE changes to Old Miraberj Houfe : Durctite fwith
a Letter,
Dur. {Reads "J
71^ T Rudenefs nvas on^y a Proof of your Humour ^ fwhicb I
'*'^ ha*ve found fo agrteab.ey that I o'wn myfelfpeniterjy and
iviliing to make any tteparation upon your firji Appearance /« .
B I S A R R E.
"Mirabel fwears flie loves me, and this confirms it ; then
farewclGallai.try, and welcome Rtvenge; *tlsmy turn now
to be upon the Sublime, Til t^ke her off, 1 warrant her.
Enttr
Tbt IVaj t$ win bim. 53
EnUf Bifarre.
Well, Mi(fre(s» do you love me ?
Bif, I hope, Sir, you will pardon the Modefty of—
Dur, Of what r of a dancing Deril I Do you love
me, I fay ?
Mi/. Perhaps I—
Dur. Wnat?
• Bif. Perhaps I do not.
Dur. Hal abusM aaain ! Death, Woman, Pll— —
Bif. Hold,- hold. Sir, I do, I do !
. Dur. Confirm it then by your Obedience, (land there;
and ogle me now, as if your Heart, Blood and Soul were
like to fly out st your Eyes FirO, ih-^ dired Surprilfe
(She looks ful! upon him ) Right; ntxt t\Q Deux y^ux par
ohii fue. (She ginjet him the fide Glance) Right ; now
depart, and languifll. (She turns from him an't-looks o*ver
her Shoulder,) Very well ; now figh. (ShefighsJ Now
drop your Fan on purpofe. (She drops her Fan, J Now take
it up again : Come now, confcfs your Faults ; arc not
you a proud — fay after me*
Bif. Proud. ^
Dur» Impertinent,
Bif. Imperiinenc'
Dur. Ridiculous.
Bif. Ridiculous,
Dur. Flirt.
Bifs Puppy.
Diir. Zoons ! Woowri, don*t provoke me, we tre alone,
-and you don't know but the Devil may tempt me to do
you a Mifchief ; afk my Pardon immediately.
Bif. I do, Sir, J only miiiook the Word.
Dur, Cry then, have you got e'er a Handkerchief?
Bif Yes, Sir.
i)«r. Ory then, handfomely; cry like a Queen in a Tra-
gedy. [She pretending to cry, hurfis out a laughing, and
enter tijoo Ladies laughing.
Bif Ha, ha, ha.
Ladies both. Ha, hn, ha.
Z>»r, Hell broke loofe upon me, and all the Furies flut-
tcr'd about my Ears ! Betray'd again ?
Bif That you arc upon my Word, my dear Captain ;
ha^ ha, ka. '
C 3 Dur.
54 ^^^ Inconftant : Or^
Dur, The Lord deliver me.
1 Lady, What I Is this the mighty Man with the BttH-
face that comes to frighten Ladies ^ Llong to iee him
angry ; come begin.
Dur. Ah, Madam, I'm the bed natur'd Fellow in the
World.
2 Lady, A Man ! We're miHaken, a Man has Manners;
the aukward Creature is fome Tinker's Trull in a Periwig*
~ Bi/l Come, Ladies, let*s examine him.
[T^ey lay ho*d on hinti
Dur, Examine ! the Devil you will !
Bif. ril lay my Life, fome great Dairy maid in Man's
Clothes. '
Dur. They will do't ; — look'c, dear Chrillian Women,
pray hear me.
Bif. Will you ever attempt a Lady's Honour again ?
Dur. \^ you pleafe to let me get away with my Ho-
noor, ril do apy thing in the World.
Bif, Will you perfuade your Friend to marry mine ?
Dur. O yes, to be fure.
Bif, And will you do the fame by me ?
Dur. Eurn me if I do, if the Coall be clear. [Rum cut,
Bif Ha, ha, ha, the Vifit, Ladies, was critical for oar
Diverfions, we'll go make an end of our Tea. [Exeuni.
Enter Mirabel and Old Mirabel.
Wir. Your Patience, Sir. 1 tell you I w on't marry ; and
tho' you fend all the Biihops in France to perfuade me, I
fhall never believe their Dodrine again ft their Pradicc.
Old Mir. But will you difgbey your Father, Sir ?
Mir. Wou'd my Father have his youthful Son lie laz-
ing here, bound to a Wi'e, chain'd like a Monkey to
make fpoit to a Woman, fubjedl to her Whims, Humours,
Longings, Vapours, and Caprices, to have her one day
plea$*d, to-morrow peevi(h, the next day mad, the fourth
rebellious ; and nothing but this Succtffion of Imperti-
nence for Ages together. Be merciful. Sir, to your own
Flefh and Blood.
Old Mir, But, Sir, did not I bear all this, why ihould
rot you ?
Mir. Then you think that Marriage, like Treafon,
ihould attai.^t the whcle Body j pray confider. Sir, is it
r^afoi:£ble bccauC' ycu throw yourfelf down from oi^e
The, Way to win him. 55
Story, that I muft caft tnyklf headlong from the Garret
Window ? You wou'd compel me to that State, which I
have heard yoa carie yourfeif, when mv Mother and you
have battled it for a whole Week together.
. Old Mir. Never bat once, yoj Rogue, and that was
when fhc long'd for fix Flanders Mares : Ay, Sir, then
(he was breeding of you, which ihew'd what an expcnfivc
Dog I (hould have of you.
EnUr Petit.
Well, Petite how does (he now ?
Pet. Mad, Sir, coh Pompos — Ay, Mr. Wtrahel, you'H
believe that I fpeak truth, now when I confefs that I have
* told you hitherto nothing but Lves ; our Jelling is come
to a lad Earned, ihe's downright dillraded.
Enter Biliwre.
Bif. Where is this mighty Vidor I The groat Ex-
ploit is done ; go triumph in the Glory of your Cor-
queil, inhuman, barbarous Man! O Sir, (To the old
Gentleman) your wretsjhed Ward has found a tender
Guardian of you, where her young Innocence expcAcd
Protedlion, here has (he found her Ruin.
Old Mir. Ay the Fault is mine, for I believe that
Kogue won't marry, for fear oPbegeiting fuch another
difobedient Son as his Fadver did. 1 have done all I can.
Madam, and now can do no more than run mad for O.m^
pany. \Crie^,
Efiier Dugard i^iitb his Suord dranvn.
Dug, Away 1 Revenge, Revenge.
Old Mir. Patience, Patience, Sir. [Old Mir, holdj hint.
Boh, draw. [^fide.
Dug. Patience ! The Coward's Virtue, and the brave
MaQ*s Failing, when thus provok'd — Villain !
Mir. Your Sifter's Frenzy (hall excufe your Madnefs;
and to (hew my Concern for what Ihe fufFers, I'll bear the
Villain from her Brother. — Put up your Anger with your
Sword I I have a Heart like yoni's, that fwells at an Af-
front received, but melts at an Injoiry given ; and if the
lovely Oriana^s Grief be fujcha moving Scene, 'twill find
a Part within this Breail, perhaps as tender as a Brother's.
Dug, To prove that foft Compaffion for ker Grief, en-
deavour to remove it.— There, there, behold an Objetl
Uiat's infisdlve ; 1 cannot view her> but I am as mad as
' C 4. ihev
56 ^bi Ineanflant :' Or^
fhe : [Enter Oruna, Md iy fwo Maids njobo put her in a
Chair.'] A Sifter that my dying Parents left, with thrif
laft Words and BlefTing to my Care. Sifter, deareft
Sifter. [Gees to her.
Old Mir, Ay, poor Child, poor Child, d*yc know me?
Ori, You ! you are Amadis de GauU Sir; — Oh !' oh my
Heart! Were you never in Love, fair Lady? And do
you never dream of Flowers and Gardens ?— I dream of
walking Fires, and tall Gigantic Sights. Take heed, it
comes now— What's that ? Pray ftand away : I have fcen
that Face fure. How light my Head is !
Mir» What piercing Charms has Beauty, ev*n in Mad-
nefs I thefe fudden Starts of undigeftcd Words ihoot thro'
my Soul, with more perfoafive Force than all theft-udted
Art of labourM Eloquence. — Come, Madam, try to rc-
pofe a little.
Qri. I cannot ; for I muft be up to go to Church, and
I muft drefs me, put on my new Gown, and be fo fine,
to meet my Love. Hey ho ! Will not you tell me
where my Heart lies buried ?
Mir, My very Soul is touch'd — -Your Hand, my Fair;
Ori. How foft and gentle you feel ? I'll tell you your
Fortune, Friend.
vlir. How fhe ftares upon me !
Or/. You have a flattering Face ; but *tis a fine one—
] warrant you have five hundred Mirtrefles — Ay, to Be
fure, a Miftrefs for every Guinea in his Pocket Will
you pray for me ? 1 fhall die to-morrow And will you
ring my Pafiing-bell ?
Mir, O Woman, WoTian, of Artifice created ! whofe
Nature, even dirtrn(f\ed, has a Cunning: fn vain let" Man
his Senfe, his Learning* boafl:, when Woman's Madneli
over-rules his Reafon. Do you know me injur'd Creature?
Ori, No, -bui you (hall be my intimate Acquaintance
-^in the Grave. [ff'eeps.
Mir, Oh Tears, I muft believe you ; fure there's a kind
of Sympathy in Madnefs ; for even 1, obddrate as I am,
do feel my Soul Co tofs'd with Siorms eF Paftion, that [
could cry for help as well as ftic, — [fFipes his Eyes*
Ori, What have you loft your Lover ? tio^ you mock
me ; I'll go home and pray.
Mir, Slay, my fair lunocencc> and hear mt own my
Love
5lfe ff^{y to tvin bim. 57
Love fo load, that I may call yoar Senfcs to their Place,
pcftore *eiti to their charming happy Fun^ions, and re-
inftate myrelfinto your Favour
Bif, Let her alone, Sir, 'tis all too late ; (he trembles,
kold her, her Fits grow ftronger by her talking ; don*t
trouble her, (he don't know you. Sir.
OU^ Mir. Not know him ! what then ? (he loves to
fee him for all that.
Enttr Duretete.
Dur. Where are you all? What the Devil I melancholy,
and I here J Are ye fad, and fuch a ridiculous Subjeft,
fuch a very good Jeft among you as I am ?
Mir, Away with this Impertinence ; this is no Place
fbrBagatel: I htve murder'd my Honour, dellroy'd a
Lady, and my Defire of Reparation is come at length
too late : See there.
Dur. What ails her ?
Mir, Alas ! (he's mad.
Dvr. Mad ! do'ft wonder at that ? By this Light, they're
all fo 5 they're cozening mad ; they're brawling mad ;
they're proucTmad ; I jull now came from a whole World
cf mad Women, that had almoft — What, is (he dead?
Mir, Dead ! Heav'ns forbid.
Dur» Heav'ns further it ; for 'till they be as cold as a
Key« there's no trufting them ; you're never fure that a
Woman*^B in earnelt, 'lill (he is naii'd in her Coihn. Shall
I talk to her? Are you mad, Miftrefs ?
Bif. Whit's that to you, Sir ?
Dur. Oons, Madan*, are you there ? [Runs off.
Mir, Away, theu wild Buffoon ; how poor and mcaa
this Humour now appears ? His Follies and my own I
heie difclaim i this Lady's Frenzy has reftor'd my Senfes,
and was (he perfedl now, as once (he was (before you all
-I fpeak i\) (h^ ftiould be mine ; and as (lie is, my Tear*
and Prayers (hall wed her.
Dug, How happy had this Declaration been fomc Hours
ago.
Bif, &ir, (he beckons to you, and waves us to go off;
come, come let's leave 'em [Ex, omnes^ but Mir. and Ori.
Ori, Oh. Sir.
ilf/>. speak my cbarming Angel, if yoor dear Sen(es
liave regain' d their Order j fpeak. Fair, and blefs ma
with the News. C 5 On*.
58 ^e Inconjlant: Or^ ^
Ori, Pirft, let me blefs the Cunning of my Sor, that
happy counterfeited Frenzy that has reftor'd ta my peof
labouring Breaft the deareft, beft belov'd of Men.
Mr. Tune all ye Spheres, your luftruments of Icy, and
carry round your fpacious Ofbs,. the happy Sound of Oti'
anas Health; her Soul, whofe Harmony was next to
yours^ is now in Tune again ; the counterfeiting Fair
hat piay'd the Fool.
She nvas fo mad to counterfeit for me\ 1
1 luas/o mad to paivn my Liberty : . >
But nonv ive hpth are 'well, and both art free, j
Ori. How, Sir, Free!
Mir. As Air, my dear Bedlamite ; what, marry a Lt-
aatic ! Look ye» my Dear, you have counterfeited Mad-
«efs fo very well this bout» that you'll be apt to play the
Fool all your Life long — Here, Gentlemen.
Ori. Monfter ! you won't difgrace me.
Mir. O' my Faith, but I will ; here, come in Gentle-
men.— A Miracle ! a Miracle ! the Woman's difpofle&M,.
the Devil's vaniih'd.
Enter Old. Mirabel and Dtigard^
Old Mir, Blefs us, was (he poflefs'd ?
Mir, With the worft of Dsemons,. Sir, a Marriage-de*
vil, a horrid Devil. Mr. Dugard^ don't be furpriz'S,
X promised my Endeavours to cure your Sifter ; ao mad
Bodor in Chriilendom could have done it more eFeduall)k
Take her into your Charge ; and have a care ihe don't
];elapfe ; if ihe fliould, employ me. not again, for I am no.
more infallible than others of the Faculty; 1 do cure
fometlmes..
Ori. Your Remedy, mod barbarous Man, will prove:
the greatell Poifon to ray Health ; for tho' my former
Phreozy was hut counterfeit, I now (hall run into a real
Madnefs. \Exit\ Old Mir. tf/}^.
Dug, This was a turn beyond my Knowledge j l*m fo
confus'd, 1 know not how to refent it. [£x/(.
Mir. What a dangerous Precipice have I 'fcap'd ?. Wat.
not I juft now upon, the Brink of Deftrtu^ion ?-
Enter Duretetc.
Oh, xsiy Friend, let me run. into thy Bolbmj no Lark,
cfttpM
T'Be Way to win bim. ^ gg
ffaip^'d from the devoaring Poances of a Hawk, qaakes
with more difmal Apprehenfioo.
Dur. The matter, Man-!
Dur. Marriage, Hanging ; I was juft at the Gallows-
fbot, the fanmng Noole aboot lov Neck, and the Cart
wheeling from me.— Oh — ^I (haa*i be myfcif this Month
again.
Dur. Did not I tell you fo ? They are all alike. Saints
or Devils : their counterfeiting can*t be reputed a Deceit
for 'tis the Nature of the Sex,, not their Conrivance.
Mir, Ay, ay : There's no living here with Security ;
this Honfe is & full of Stratagem and Defign, that I muft
abroad again.
Dur. With all my Heart, I'll bear thee Comjpany, my
Lad ; Fll meet you at the Play ; and we'll let out for
Italy to-morrow Morning.
Mir. A Match ; I'll go pay my Compliment of leave
to my Father prefently.
Dur* I'm afraid he*ll flop you.
Mir. What pretend a Command over me after his Set-
tlement of a thoufand Pound a Year upon me ! No, no,
he has pafs'd away his Authority with the Conveyance;
the Will of a living Father is chiefly obeyed for the Sake
of the dying one-.
What makes the World attend and croud the Great ?
■Hopes, Interel^, and Dependence, make their State :
Behold the Antr-chamber filfd with Beaux,
A Horfe's Levee throng'd with Courtly Crows.
Tho' grumbling SubjeSs make the Crown their Sport;
• Hopes of a Place will bring the Sparks to Court.
Dependencij, ev'n a Father's Sway fecures,
For tho' the Son rebels, the Heir is yours.
TU End of the fourth ACT-
ACT
6o The Inconfiant: Or^
A C T V.
SCENE, the Street before the Play-haufc;
Mirabd atid Duretete as coming from the Plaf.
Dur.TJOW d'ye like this Play?
Jx Mir, 1 lik'd the Company ; the Lady, the
rkh Beauty in the Front-box had my Attention : Thcfc
impudent Poets bring the Ladies together to fupport thetei
and to kill every Body elfe,
Fcr Deaths upon the Stage the Ladiu cry.
But ne*er mind us^ that in the Audience die :
The Poet's Hero Jhould not move their Pain^
But they Jhould <weepfor thofe their Eyes havtflun.
Bur. Hoyty, toyty ; did Pi&i///V infpire you with' all this?
Mir. Ten times more ; the PJay-houfc is the Element
of Poetry, bccaufe the Region of Beauty ; the Ladies^
methinks, have a more infpiring triumphant Air in the
Boxes than cny where elfe, they ut commanding on their
Thrones wich all their Subjeft flaves about them ; Their
beft Clothes, bell Looks, fhining Jewels, fparklingEyes,
the Treafure of the World in a Ring. Then th«re's fuchft
hurry ofPleafure to tranfportus; the Buftlc, Notfe» Gal-
lantry, Equipage, Garters, Feathers, Wigs, Bt)W8, Siiulef»
Ogles, Love, Muiic, and Applaufe: I could wifli that my
whole Life long were the iirft Night of a new Play.
Dug, The Fellow has quite forgot this Joiirne)^; Lave
you befpoke PoA horfes ?
^ A//>. Grant me but three Days, dear Captain, one to
difcover the Lady, one to unfold myfelf, and one to make
me happy ; and then Tm you:*s to the World's end.
Dur» Haft thou the Impudence to promife thyfelf a Lady
of her Figure and Qualiiy in fo (hort a time ?
A//>» Ye5, Sir — I have a confident Addrefs, no difagree-
ablc Perfon, and ^\^ hundred Le'wis d*Ors in my Pocket*
Dur, Five hundred Lc^wis d^Ors! You aVt mad)
Mir, I tell )ou, (he's worth five thoufandi one of
her black Brilliant Eyes is worth a Diamond as bie as her
The Wity to win bim. C i
Head. I conpar'd her Neckiwt witu ht* I.c^^s, »-.•.
the livinr Jewels out-fpsrkled iheacac fn.^ •;. i. M. i«r
Z)«r. Sttt you hftve own'd to Oi%cuajr kJii:-^; ^jftt^nv -.
Pretenfions to Marriage, youlov'c ntrr {i^oustvi:. « Ut^i.
ikow can yoa wander at thib rate r
A/fV. I long'd for a Panridee t Mxier Jjay vf ' -.^ Kt- ;
Pkie, but d*ye think» becaufe x coi^lx: i.o* Wr*^ it. I n. "
eat nothing.
Dmr. PniheCt MjraStl, be qDi<n ; yot may T-frf-tt. .«*•
what narrow 'fcapes yoo have iiac ai*ircrjMC b^ i^. low it.;-
Strangers ; you forget your Leap ou*. of itii- fAutifJafi\
Window at Bol^gmm^ to fare your faiMr l^ir ^ ttir;;'.
A//r, My Ring's a Trific, tiicf • i.'inn-?' v/» •,•/!?«?-
0001 parable to what we dcfiit w: f»i> of -^ i...-iy >/.:.•<■
fac*d in the Front- box witn a tti'.utahj h'jyni:. n. jrw«i.
about her Neck! For Aiame, nr. mwe.
Enter Oriana i« ifo^'j Cittihes nunh u Lntt*
On'. Is your Name* l^traJni^ hit '
hffir. Yes, Sir.
On. A Letter from your Uncle in fitmih-
Mir. [^if-^i.]
^HE Bearer is the Sam ef a Pr^r^/laftf f,rfttlrm**», -.'/*•
^/«f /«'■ ^" ReI:^io9i, lefi mr rhr Lhor^r ,.f th,* fuuth,
[a pretty Boy.] He's /ova of Jomr hamih^mr tr,uh, //.«/
MV tf^r^/ Aiar Opportunity If Iffiftt-urmmi ; >«*' ' '"• -/
himm,illMiie "'"'^
a Travcli^r in aflv ^
ilfrr. A hoptM I
into />#>^* aj my Va i
Dmr. I doTi*r tfa^ki
Mrrl too biiiidfam«|;
Ladiealc^cnc ^L
&z 7he Inconftant : Or^
ef Service I put upon you, is to follow that Lady*$ CoacBi
and bring me word where ihe lives. [?*« Onana.
Ori, 1 don't know the Town, Sir^ and am afraid of
loiing myfelF,
Mir. Pfhaw.
Lam. Page, what's become of all my People ?
Page, I can't tell, Madam, I can fee no iign of jrour
ILadyfhip's Coach.
Lam, That Fellow is got into his old Pranks , and
fairn drunk fo ni e where ; none of the Footmen there?
• Pog^' Not oncj-^adam.
Lam. Theie Servants are the Plague of our Liv«8|
what (hall I do 1^
Mir, By all my Hopes, Fortune pimps for me; now
Dure tea for a piece of Gallantry..
Dur. Why you won't»fure ^ '
Mtr. Won't, Brute 1 Let not your Servants NeglefV,.
Madam, put your Ladyihip to any Inconvenience, for
you can't be difappointed of an Equipage whilfl mine
waits below; and wou'd you honour the Mailer fo far,
he would be proud to pay. his Attendance.
Dur. Ay, to be fure. \^dfiile.
Lam, Sit ^ I won't prefume to be troubleibme, for my
Habitation is a great Way off-
Dur. Very true. Madam, and heVa little engag'd, be-
iides, Madam, a Hackney-coach will do as well. Madam.
Mir. Rude-Eeaft, be quiet! [^<? Duretete.] The far-
ther from home. Madam, the more Occafion ypa have
for a Guaid—pray, Madam—
J^m. Lard, Sir.— -[/fp feems toprefsf Jhe to decline it iti
dumb fie^w.
Dur. Ah \ The Devil's in- his Impudence ; now he
wheedles, (he fmiles.; he flatters, flieiinipers ; he fwean,
file believes ; he's a Rogue, and file's a W — in a Momenta
Mir. Without there! my Coach; Duretete^ wifli me
Joy. [Hands the Lady 9ut. '
Dur. Wifti you a- Surgeon! Here you little Pic^rd, go
follow your Matter,, and he'll lead you —
On. Whither, Sir ?
Dur, To the Academy, Child : 'tis the Fafliion ; with
Men of Quality to teach their Pages their Exercifes— go.
Qri..
The Way to voin him. 63
On*. Won't yoD go with him too. Sir ; that Woman
BUY do him A>me harm, I don't like her-
bur. Why, how now Mr. Pagi^ do you dart up to
give Laws of a fudden ; do you pretend to rife at Court,
and difiipprove the Pleafure of your Betters : Look*e,
' Sirrah, if ever you wou'd rife by a great Man, be fure to
be with him in his little Adions, and, as a Step to your
Advancement, follow your Mader immediately, and
make it your Hope that he goes to a Bawdy-houTe.
Ori. Heav'ns forbid. \Exit.
Dug. Now wou'd I fooner take a Cart in Company of
(he Hangman, than a Coach with that Woman : What a
firange Antipathy have I taken againft thefe Creatures ;
a Woman to me is Averfion upon Averfion, a Cheefe»
a Cat, a ^Breaft of Mutton, the fqualling of Children,
the grioding, of Knives, and the Snuff of a Candle.
SCENE, a hanifame Apat4menU
Enter Mirabel and Lamorce^
Lam. To convince me. Sir, that your Service was
ibmethinc; more than'good Bpeeding, plcafe to lay out an
Hour or your Company upon my Defire, as you have
already upon my Neceffi'y.
Mir. Your Defire, Madam, has only prevented my Rc-
^ueftfmy Hours! Make 'em yours. Madam, Eleven,
Twelve, One, Two, Three and all that belong to thofe
happy Minutes.
Lam. But I muft trouble you. Sir, to difmifs your Re--
linue, becaufe an Equipage at my Door, at this time of
Kight, will not be confiflent with my Reputation.
Mir I By all means, Madam, all but one little Boy— «
Here, Page, order my Coach and Servants home, and dO
you day ; 'tis a foolifh Country Boy, that knows nothing
Dot Innocence.
Lam. Innocence, Sir ? I (hould be forry if you made
any Hnifler Confbiudlions of my Freedom*
Mir. O Madam, I muit not.pretend to remark npon any
body's Freedom, having fo entirely forfeited my own.
Lam^ Well, Sir, 'twere convenient towards our cafy
Correfpondence, that we enter'd into a free Confidence of
each other, by a mutual Declaration of what we are, and
whatwc think of oneanother.-«>Now>>Siry what. are you?
,z. ' ' Mir.
64 Tie Inconfiani : Oi^y
Mir, In three Words, Madain»— I am a Gentlemaoi
I have five hundred Pounds in my Pockety and a dcaa
Shirt on.
Lam, And your Name is— —
Mtr, Muflaphu, Now, Madam, the Inventory of
your ForcuncB.
Lam, My Name is Lamoree\ my Birth noble; I was
married young, to a proud, rude. Allien, impetaons FeU
low ; the Hu^and fpoiled the Gentleman ; Crying rain*d
my Face, 'liil at laft I took Heart, leaped out of a Win-
dow, got away to my friends, fu'd my Tyrant, and re-
covered my fortune 1 livM from fifteen to fwenty to
pleafe a Hulband ; from twenty to forty Vm refolvM to
p^eafe myfelf, and from thence upwards Til hnmonr the
World.
Mir. The charming wild Notes of a Bird broke oat ef
its Cage.
Lam. I mark'd you at the Play, and fomething I (aw
of a well-furnifh'd, carelefe, agreeable Tour about yon.
Methoughc your Eyes made their mannerly Demands
with fuch an arch Modefty, that I don't know how— -
but I'm elop'd. Ha, ha, ha, Tm elop'd.
Mir, Ha, ha, ha, I rejoice ia your good Fortune with
all my Heart.
Lam. O, now I think on't, Mr. Muftapba^ yoa have
got the fineft Ring there, I cou'd fcarcely believe it right;
pray let me fee it.
Mir. Hum! Yes, Madam, 'tis, 'tis right—- but, but,
but, but, but, it was given mc by my Mother, an old
Family Ring, Madam, an old-fafhion'd Family-ring.
Lam, Ay, Sir — if you can entertain yourfelf with a
Song for a Moment, Til wait on you immediately ; come
in there.
Enter Singers.
Call what you pleafe. Sir.
Mir, The new Song Prithee^ Phillis,
SONG,
Certainly the Stars have been in a fl range intriguing Hu-
mour when I was born — Ay, this Night (liou'd 1 have
had a Bride in my Arms, and that I (bould like well
enough : But wha( ^u'd I have to-morrow Night ? The
fame*
Tie H^ay to mn him. (%
Tame. And what next Night ? The fiunc. And what
ncj« Night ? Thp very fame : Soup for Breakfaft, Soup
for Dinner, Soup for Suppir, and Soup for fireakfait
again — But here's Variety.
I/tnfe ibt Fair luho freely gi^es her Htmrt^
Jbat^s mine by Ties of Nature, f.ot of Art ;
JVbo boldly oijuns 'wbaie^er btr Thoughts indite^
And is too modeft for a Hypuritt,
[ £-amorce-tf//f^»'j at the Dour^ mi be runs forwards ber,
four Bravoes ftep in before ber. He fi arts back.
She comes, (he comes — Hum, hum—Bitch — Murder'd,
murder'd to be Aire ? The curfcd Strumpet! To make
mc ftnd away my Servants -^"Nobody near me ! Thefe
Cat-throats always make lure WorL. What fhall I do?
I have but ojie way*. Are thcfe Gendemen your Rela*
tions, Madam \
Lam, Yes, Sir.
Mir. Gentlemen your raoft humble Servant ; Sir, your
xnoft faithful, yours, Sir, with all my Heart ; your moft
obedient — come. Gentlemen, [W/r/f/ ^// r^«W] plcafe
to fit — no. Ceremony, next the Lady, pray Sir. '
£/i«f.-WfelI, Sir, and how d*yc like my Friends ?
\^rhey all fit.
Mfr, O, Madam, the mod finrfh^d Gentlemen ! I was
never more happy in good Company in my Life ; Ifup-
pnfe, Sir, you have travell'd ?
I BVa, Yes, Sir.
Mir. WMch way, may I prefamc ?
1 Bra. In-a Weftem Barge, Sir.
Mir. Ha, lia, ha, very pretty j facetious pretty Geti-
tleman!
Lam. Ha, ha, ha ; Sir, you have got the prettieft
Ring upon your Finger there
Mir. Ah ! Madam; *tis at your Service with all my
Heart. [OJiring tbe Ring.
Lam, By no Means, Sir, a Family-ring ! [Takes if.
Mir. No Matter, Madam'. Seven hundred Pound, by-
this Light. l^Jide.
2 Bra. Pray, Sir, what's o*Clock ?
Mir. Hum I Sir, 1 have left my Watch at home.
2 Srav. I thought I few the String of Jt juft now — *
Mir.
66 ^be Inconftant: Otj
Mir. Ods my Life, Sir, I beg your Pardon, here it k
—but it don't go. [futtifig it up.
Lam, O dear Sir, an Englijh Watch ! Tomfioji*s 1 pro
fame.
Mir. D'ye like it. Madam — no Ceremony 'ti^ at
your Service with all my Heart and Soul— Tlpw/zWs I
Hang ye. [4fi^'*
1 Bra. But, Sir, above all Things, I admire the
Fafliion and Make of your Sword-hilt. I
Mir, I'm mighty glad you like it. Sir. \
I Bra. Will you part with it, Sir ? |
Mir, Sir, f won't fell it. j
1 Bra. Not fell it, Sir ! |
Mir. No, Gentlemen,— —but Til bellow it with all .
my Heait. IPff'^^^^g '^'
I Bra. O, Sir, we (hall rob you.
Mir. That you do I'll be fworn. \^/^Jtde ] 1 have another
at home, pray, Sir, — Gentlemen you're too moded, have
I any thing elfe than you fancy ? — Sir, will you do xne
a Favour ? \To the iji Bravo] I am extremely in love with
that Wig which you wear, will you do me the Favour to
change with me f
I Bra. Look'e, Sir, this is a Family Wig, and I
wou'd not part with it, but if you like it
Mir, Sir your moft humble Servant. [They change JFigs.
1 Bra. Madam, your moft humble Slave.
'\Goes upfoppijhly to the Ladj^ falutes her,
2 Bra. The Fellow*s very liberal ; fhall we murder hinor?
I Bra, What ! Let him 'fcape to hang us all ! And I
to lofe my Wig ; no, no ! 1 want but a handfbme Pre-
tence to quarrel with him, fbr you know we muft aft
like Gentlemen. Here, fome Win3 — [ff^tne here.'] Sltt
your good Health. [PuIJs Mirabel iy the Neje.
Mir. Oh ! Sir, your moft humble Servant ; a pleaUnt
Frolic enou2h, to drink a Man's Health, and pull hiia
by the Nofe: ha, ha, ha, the pleafanteft pretty-hn*
mour'd Gentleman.
Lam. Help the Gentleman to a Glafs. [Mir. brinks,
I Bra. How d*ye like the Wine, Sir ?
Mir. Very good o' the kind, Sir : But I tell ye what i
I find we're all inclined to be frolicfome, and I'gad,
for my own part, I was never more difpofed to be merry ;.
fbe Way to win him. 6^
let*s make a Night on't, ha !— This Wine is pretty, but
I have fuch Bur^umh at home. — Look*e, Gentlemen, let
me fend for halt a dozen FJaiks of my Burgundy ^ I defy
France to match it; — *Twill make us all Life, all Air,
pray. Gentlemen.
% Bra, Eh ! Shall us have his Burgundy I
I Bra, Ves, faith, we'll have all we can ; here call up
the Gentleman's Servant— What think you, Lamorcef
Lam, Yes, yes,-; your Servant is a foolifh Country
Boy, Sir, he underflands nothing but Innocence.
Mir. Ay, ay, Madam. — Here, Page, lEn/er Oriana.!
take this Key, and go to my Butler, order him to fend
hal/ a dozen Flafks of the red Burgundy, mark*d a thou-
fand ; and be fure you make hade, 1 long to entertala
my Friends here, my very good Friends.
Omnes, Ah, dear, Sir !
1 Bra. Here, Child, take a Glafs of Wine— Your
MaAer and I have chang'd Wigs, Honey, in a Frolic. '
Where had you this pretty Boy, honeft Mujiapba f
Oru Mufiapha /
Mir, Out of Picardy — ^^-^-this is the firll Errand he has
made for me, and if he does it right. Til encourage him.
OrL The red Burgundy, ^\i,
Mir. The red, mark'd a thoufand, and be fare yots
make hafte.
Ori, I ihall. Sir. \^Exit.
I Bra,, Sir, you were pleasM to like my Wig, have
you any Fancy for my Coat ? — Look'e, Sir, it has ferv'd
a great many honeft Gentlemen very faithfully.
Mir, Not fo faithfully, for Tm afraid it has got a fcurvy
Trick of leaving all its Matters in Necelfity »— 1 he Info-
lencc of thefe Dogs is beyond their Cruelty. \^^fide^
Lam, You're melancholy, Sir.
Mir, Only concern'd, Madam, that I (hon'd have no
Servaiit here but this little Boy he'll make fome con-
founded Blunder, Til lay my Life on't, I wou'd not be
difappointed of my Wine for the Univerfe.
Lam, He'll do well enough, Sir j but Supper's ready,
will you pleafe to eat a Bit, Sir ?
Mir, O, Madam, I never had a better Stomach in my
Life.
Lam^ Come then, — we have nothing but a Plate of Soup.
Mr*
68" Yhe Incenftant : Or^
Mfr. Ah ! The Marriage-foup I coa'd difpcnfc w'A
now. [^^ie.] l^^'^- ^^f^^fii '^^ ^<»^-
2 Bra. That Wig won't fall to yoor Share.
1 Bra. No, no, we*ll fettle that after Sapper, in the
mean time the Gentleman, (hall wear it.
2 Bra. ShaH we difpatch him ?
5 Bra, To be fure. 1 think he knows, me.
1 Bra, Ay, ay, dead Men tell no Tales; I wonder at
the Impudence of the EngViJh Rogues, that will hazard the
Meeting a Man at the Bar whom} they have encoanter*d
upon the Road ! I ha'n't the Confidence to look a Man
in the Pace after I have done him an Injufy, therefbrt
wcM murder him. \Eximn^
SCENE changei to Old Mirabel'/ Hoi^e,
Enttr Durctete |
Vur, My Friend has forfaken me, 1 have abandoned mjr
Millrefs, my 1 ime lies he.ivy upon my Hands, and my
Money burns in my Pocket — But now 1 think on't, my
Myrmidons are upon Duty to-night; Til fairly ftrole
down to the Guard, and nod away, the Night with my
honeft Lieutcrrant over a Flafk of Wine, a Rakc-hclly
Story, and a Pipe of Tobaeco [Going oj-) hiLmettshim*
Br/. Who comes there ? lland !
Dur. Hcv day, now (he's turn'd Dragoon.
B:/, Looh'e, Sir, I'm lold you intend to travel agatp.
—■I t^eiign to wait on you as far as Italy.
D::r. rh:n I'll travel into JVales.
Bij\ IJ'.ries I What Coi-.ntry's that ?
Dut\ The Land of Mountains, Child, where yoo're
Yicvcr out of the way, 'caufe there's no fach thing as a
•Hi^h'joad.
////. Rather alwavs in a High-road, 'caufe yon travel all
upon Hills ; — but oe't as it will, I'll jog along wit j you.
Dur, But we intend to fail to the Kfijl-lndus.
Bif. Raft or Wefi^ 'tis all one to me ; Tm tight and
light, aiui the fitter for fii ing.
Dur, But fuppoie we take ihro' Germany^ and drink hard.
Bif.. Suppofcl take thro* Germany^ aud drink harder
than yoQ.
Dur. Suppofe I go to a Bawdy-houfe.
Bif. Suppofe 1 Ihcw you the Way.
Dm'.
Tti fFay to win bim. 69
Dur, 'Sdeath, Woman, will you go to the Guard with
me, and fmoak a Pipe }
Bi/. AlLmdofu!
Dur. 1 he Devil's in the Woiiun }—- —fuppofe I haog
myfelf.
Bi/. There Til leave you.
Dur. And a happy riddance, the Gallows is welconie.
£i/. Hold, hold. Sir {Catches him hj the Arm going]
one word before we part.
Dmr. Let me go. Madam, or I (hall think that
youVe a Man, and perhaps may exa^jine you*
Bi/. Stir if you dare ; 1 have ilill Spirits to attend me ;
and can raife fuch a mutter of Fairies as fliall punilh you
to death— -Come, Sir, dand there now and ogle me : [He
fro'ivns vpon her,"] Now a languifliing Sigh ! [Hegrcans.']
Now run and take my Fan, fafter. [lie runs and
takes it up,"] Now play with it handlbmely.
Dur, Ay, ay. \_He tears it all in pieces,
Bi/ Hold, hold, dear humourous Loxcomb j Captain,
foare my Fan, and I'll — Why, you rude, inhuman Mon-
ftcr, don't you exped to pay for this ?
Dur, Yes, Mad«^m, there's Twelve Pence ; for tlia-c is
the Price on't.
Bi/ Sir, it cofl a Guinea.
Dur^ Well, Madam, you fliall have the Sticks again.
[Jhro^vs them to her^ and Exit.
Bi/ Ha, ha, ha, ridiculous below my Concern. I
muft follow him however, to know if he can give me any
News of Or/^»^sr. [Exit.
SCENE changes to Laraorce'j Lodgings,
Enter Mirabel Solus,
Mir. Bloody Hell-hounds, I over-heard you : Was
not I two Hours ago the happy, gay, rejoicing Mira-
bel ? How did I plume ray Hopes in a fair coming frolpccl
of a long Scene of Years ? Life courted me wiih ail the
Charms of Vigour, Youth, and Fortune ; and lo be torn
away from all my promifed Joys is more than Death ; the
Manner too, by Villains. — O my Oriana, this \'try Mo-
met. t might have blefs'd me in thy Arms, and mypoorEoy f
the innocent Boy! — Confufion! — But hu(h, they come :
I muH difTemble ftill — No News of my Wine, Gentlemen ?
Lnttr
JO Hhe Inconfianl : Or^
Enter the four Bravoes.
1 Bra, No, Sir, I believe your Country-booby hai
himfelf, and we can wait no longer for't : True,
youVe a pleafant Gentleman, buc I fuppofe yea an
nand our Bufinefs.
Mir, Sir, I may go near to guefsat your Employmc
you. Sir, are a Lawyer, I prefume, you a Phyfician,
a Scrivener, and you a Stock-jobber. — All Cut thn
I.gad. , [.
4 Bra. Sir^ I am a broken Officer; I was cafliier
the Head of the Army for a Coward : So I took uf
Trade of Murder to retrieve the R eputation of my Coai
3 Bra, I am a Soldier too, and wou*d ferve my K
but I don't like the Qiiarrel, and I have more Ho
than to fight in a bad Caufe.
2 Bra, I was bred a Gentleman, and have no E(
but 1 muft have my Whore and my Bottle, thro' the
judice of Education.
1 Bra, I am a Ru|Han too, by the Prejudice of Ed
tion, 1 was bred a Butcher. In Ihort, Sir, if your V
had come, we might have trifled a little lonjrer. — C(
Sir, whicji Sword will you fall by? mine, Sir?
2 Bra, Or mine ? \dr
3 Bra, Or mine ? [</n
4 Bra, Or mine ? [</r.
Mir, I fcorn to beg my Life ; but to be butcher'd tl
O there's the Wine this Moment for (inock
my Life or Death.
Enter Qriana.
Loft, for ever loft !— Where's the Wine, Child ? [fat
Ori. Coming up, Sir. [^Stamps,']
Enter Doretete luith bis Sivord dra'wn, andjtx oj
grand Mu/qutteers nxith their Pieces frefented^
Ruffians drop their S'words, [Oriana gee.
Mir, The Wine, the Wine, the Wine. Youth, Pleai
Fortune, Days and Years, are now my own again.—
my dear Friends did not I tell you this Wine w
make me merry ? — Dear Captain, tnefe Gentlemen arc
bcft-natur'd, facetious, witty Creatures, that ever you ki
Enter Lamorcc.
Lam, Is the Wine come. Sir ?
Mir. O yes. Madam, the Wine is come— —fee «h<
7be Way to win him. 7 1
[Pointing to the SoUiers'] Your Lady fhip has got a very
fine King upon your Finger.
Lam, Sir, 'tis at your Service.
Mr. O ho ! is it io ? Thou dear Seven hundred Pound,
thou'rt welcome home again, with all my Heart — Ad's my
Life, Madam, you have got the fineil built Watch there !
Tomfion^s^ I prefanie.
I.arn^ Sir, you may wear It*
Mir. Of Madam, by no mean^, 'tis too much — Rob
you of a'l [^{Taking it from A/r] Good dear Time, thou'rt
a precious thing, I'm glad 1 have retrieved thee : '^Putting
it up] What, my Friends neglefted all this while I Gen-
tkmen, you'll pardon my Complaifance to the Lady.—
How now — is it civil to be fo out of Humour at my En.
terfainment, and I fo plcafed with yours ? Captain, youVe
ftirpriz'd at all this ! but we*re in our frolics, you muft
know. Some Wine here.
Enter Ser<vant ivitb Wire,
Come, Captain, this worthy Gentleman's Health.
\T'wep.ks the firji Bravo by the No/e ; be roars,
Itot now, where where's my dear Deliverer, my Boy,
my chaiming Boy I
J B>a. I hope fomc of our Crew below-ftairs have dif-
patch^d him,
Mir. Villain, what fay'il tbou? Difpatch'd ! FII have ye
all tortured, rackM, torn to Pieces alive, if you have
touch'd my Boy. — Here, Page! Page I Page! [Rwjsout,
Dur, Here, Gentlemen, be fureyou fecure thofe Fellows.
I Bra, Yes, Sir, we know you and your Guard will be
very civil to us.
Dur. Now for you. Madam ; He, he, he. — Vm fo
pleas'd to think that I {hail be reveng'd of one Woman
before I die— Well, MiJlrefs 5;/<7;>.Z)r^^o;?, which of ihefe
honourable Gcnilemen is Jo happy to call you Wife ?
I Bra, Sir, ihe fhould have been mine to-night, 'caule
Sampre here had her laft Night. Sir, (he's very true to us
all tour.
i?tfg-.Take*em to Juflice. [TbeGuard, carry of tbeBrzvocs,
Enter Old Mirabel, Dugard, Bifarre.
Old Afir. Robin, Robin^ where's Bob (' where's my Boy ?—
What, is ihis the Lady ? a pretty Whore, failh ?— Hcark'e,
Child,
72 ^he Inconftant : Or^
Child, becaufe my Son was fo civil as to oblige you witk
a Coach, Til treat you with a Cart, indeed I will.
Dug, P^Y^ Madam, -*and you (hall have a fwinging Bqai-
page, three or four thoufand Footmen at your Heels at XtaSi*
Dur, No lefs becomes her Quality.
Bif. Faugh ! the Monller !
Dtir, Monller! ay, you're all a little nonftrous, let
me tell you.
Enter Mirabel.
Old Mir, Ah, my dear Bob, art thou fafe, Man ?
Mir, No, no. Sir, I'm ruin'd, the Saver of my Life is loft.
OU Mir, Np, he came and brought us the News.
Mir. But where is he ? — [Enter Oriana,] Ha ! [Runs
aitd £?nhraces her,\ My dear Preferver, what (hall I do to
recom pence your Trull ? — Father, Friends, Gentlemen*
behold the Youth that has relieved me from the moft ig-
nominious Death, from the fcandalous Poniards of thefe
bloody Ruffians, where to have fall'n would have defam'd
my Memory with vile Reproach. — •'My Life, £ilate, mf
AH, is due to fuch a Favour Command me. Child.
before you all, before my late, fo kind indulgent Stars,
1 fwear to grant whatever you alk.
Ori, To the fame Stars indulgent now to mc, I will
appeal as to the Jull ce of my Chim ; 1 (hall demand but
what was mine before— —the jull Performance of year
Contracl to Oriana. [Oi/coofering her/tlf.
Om , Oriana I
Ori, In this Difguife I refolv'd to follow you abroad,
counterfeited that Letter that got me into your Service {
and (o, by this ftrunp^e Turn of Fate, 1 became the Jnllro-
mencof your Prcfcrvacion ; ftw common Servants wou'd
have had fuch Cunning ; my Love infpir'd me with the
meaning; of your M^iffage, 'caufe my Concern, for your
Safety made me fufpe^ht your Company.
Dur, M/r. yoLiVe caught.
M/r, Caught I I fcorn the thought of Impofition, the
Trickj and artful Cunning of the Sjx 1 have dcfpia'd, aod
broke thro' all Contrivance. Caught! No, 'tis my vo-
luntary Ad ; this was no human Stratagem, but by iny
provldcntijl Stars, defign'd to (hew the Dangers wand'riog
You'h incurs by the l^urfuit of an unlawful Love, to
plunge mc headlong in the Snares of Vice, and tbea to
1 free
i
;ti:
at
z
fhi Wdef to fvin him. 73
ftee ine by the Hands of Virtae : Here, on my Knees, I
humbly beg my faifPreferver's Pardoo ; my Thanks are
needlefi, for royfelf I owe. And now for ever do proteft
me yours.
Old Mir. Tall, all di dall. ^/»;/.; Kifs me. Daughter
w— no, yod (hall kifs me firft, fTo Lamorce] for you're the
Caufe on't. WeU, Bi/arrey what fay you lo the Captain ?
B^, I like the Beaft well enou^h» but I don't underdafid
bis Paces fo well as to venture him in a (Irange Rosd.
Old Mir^ But Marriage is fo beaten a Path that yoa
can't go wrong.
JJ/yT Ay, '^tis (b beaten that the Way is fpoil'd.
Dur. Ibere is but one thing (houM make me thy Hu^-
band-— I couM marry thee to>day for the Privilege of
beating thee to-morrow.
Oid Mir, Come, come, you may agree for all this,
Mt. Dugardf are not you pleas'd wiih this ?
Dug. So pleas'd, that it 1 thought it might fecure } our
Son's Affcdljon to my Sifter, 1 wou'd double her Fortune.
Mhr, Fortune 1 has (he not given me mine ? my Life,
Eftate, my All, and what is more, her virtuous felf.— -
Virtue, in ihis fo advantageous Life, has her own fpark-
' Jing Charms, more tempting far than glittering Goid or
Glory. Behold the Foil f Pointing io Lamorce) that fcts
this Brightnefs off! (To Oriana.) Here view the Pride
(To Oriana) and Scandal of the Sex. (To Lam.)
There {to Lam.) the falfe Meteor, whofc deluding Light
leads Mankind to Deftru£lion» Here /'^o Oriana) theb-ight
Ihining Star that guides to a Security of Happinefs, a Gar-
den and a fingle She {To Oriann) was our firft Father's
Blifs; the Tempter ^/"o Lam ) and to wander, was his Curfe.
What Liberty can be fo tempting there^ (To Lam.
As-afoft^ 'viriuoui^ amrous Bondage hen P (To Oriana,
V ne EnloftU Vifth A C T.
f
Vofc. IL D SO N O
74 l^t Inconftant : Or^tbeWay t$winbim.
SONG: By Mr. O u
Set by Mr. Danitl PurctlL
QINCE^ Coelia, V/i not in our Power
To tell ho^w long our Lives may laft^
Begin to love this very Hour^
Tou\e loji too much in ivbeu is paft, . .'
ir. . ; .
For Jtnce the Poiver ewe all ohey, . ^
Has in your Breafi my Heart conjin^d^
Let me my Body to it lay, - ' A
In vain you* d part luhat Nature join^d^ .\
EPI-
EPILOGUE.
Written by Nathaniel Rowe, Efq;
And fpoken by Mr. Wuks.
fROM Fletcher*/ great Original, today
Wi took the Hint 0/ this our Modern Flay :
HT Author, from bis Lines ^ has Jirove to paint
nm/ty^ ijuild, inconftamt^ free Gatlant :
1th a gay Soul, <with Sfnje, and Will to rove,
ah Language, and fwitb Softnefs framed to mo*ve^
1th little Truth, hut lAfith a Wmi of Lo^e.
ub Forms on Maids in Morning Slumbers *wait,
'hen Fancy firfi infiruQs their hearts to heat,
*benjirft they luijh, andfegbfor nuhat they know not yet,
"Otwn not, ye Fair, to think your Lowers may
rachyour cold Hearts hyfome unguarded Way ;
f Villeroy's Misfortune make you nvife,
here*s Danger ftill in Darknefs and ^urprife ;
W from his Rampart he defy*d the Foe,
rince Eugene found an AqueduQ hefofw.
1th eafy Freedom, and a gay Addrefs,
p^ejjinff Lo*verfeldom *wants Succefs :
"hilft the Refpeaful like the Greek, /// donun^
nd n»ajles a ten Years ^iege before one Town,
r her o^wnfake, let noforfaken Maid,
ur Wanderer, for nxjant of Love, upbraid \
nee '*tis a Secret, nonejhou^d e^er confefs,
bat they ha*ve loft the happy PoivV to pleafe,
^youfufpeB the Rogue inclined to break,
reakfirft, and fvuear you've turned him off a Week ;
/ Primes, ivhen they refiy State/men doubt ^
efort they com furrender, turn *em out*
Dz Wb0t*
7«
EPILOGUE.
Whatever you think^ granjt Vfis mm he madit
jind nufb evenfir^ Ineonft^i/uy befaUt*
Let the good Mi^fer Meuria^risei d^p^df
With findhus Care, and Diligence ofmind,
Turn over every Page of Womankind \
Mark every Sen/e^ and bov) the Readings vary.
Ami, vukii be kw9^ tbfg vupi^. on^U^^iu him marry^
^%
Tt:
THE
TWIN. RIVALS.
COMEDY.
As it i» Acted at the
THEATRE-ROYAL
I K
DRURY-LANE,
By Hi» MAJESTY'S Servants.
Sic *vo4 noH <vobii.
LONDON:
Printed for John Ri VI NGTON, W. Johnston, S. Crow-
DBR, G. WoODPALL, T. CaSLON, T. LoWNOfiS^
W-NixxoLL, S. Bladon, and R. Baldwih^
M,DCC,LXXII..
'^M^fm^mfmmM
THE
PREFACE.
THE Socceft and Countenance that Debauchery has
met w th M Plays, wat the moft Cevtre and rcafon-
able Charge againft their Authors in Mr. Collier* s Short
Virw ; and indeed this Gentlemen had done the Drama
confiderable Service, had he arraigned the Sta^e only to
ponifh its Mifdemeanors, and not to take away its Life ;
out there ia an Advanuge to be made fometimes of the
Advice of an Enemy, and the only Way to difappoint
his Deiigns, is to improve upon his Inve£tives, and to
make the Stage flourifh, by the Virtue of that Satire by
which he thought to fupprefs.ic.
I have therefore in this Piece endeavoured to (hew, that
an Englijk Comedy may anfwer the Stri£tnefs of Poetical
Juftice : but indeed the greater Share of the EngUJh Au-
dience, (I mean that part which is. no farther read than
in Plays of their own Language) have imbibed other
Principles, and (land up as vigoroufly for the old Poetic
Licence, as they do for the Liberty of the Subjc6>. They
take all Innovations for Grievances ; and let a Projeft be
never fo well laid for their Advantage, yet the I'iuIlt-
taker ii very likely to fufFer by'c. A Play without a Berji.
Cully, Cuckold, or Coquet, is as poor an F r.teit.:i'»
■ment to feme Palates, as their Sundays Dinnei \v j .i
be without litti and Puddirg. And this 1 lake t ■ r
one Reafon that the Galleries were fo thin during the
Run of this Play. I thought indeed to have footh'd the
{plenetic Zeal of the City, by making a Gentleman a
ICnave, and puni(hing their great Grievance — A l^hore-
mafter : but a certain Virtuofo of that Fratcrnitv has told
me fince, that the Citizens were never more difappointed
in any Entertainment ; for [/aid be) however pious we
O 4 may
4 PREFACE.
nav appeur to be at home, yet we never m to thift
end of the Town but with an lntent,^>n to Jbciewd*
TKcre was an Odium caft upoD thif Play, before it ap-
peared, by fome Perfons who thought it their Intereft to
Aave it fuppreis'd. The Ladies were fiiohtencd from (eeine;
St, by formidable Stories of ft Midwife, and were told»
no doubt, that thev mud expert no Ufs than a LmBput
upon the St;iffe ; out I hope the examiniirg lato that
Afperfion will be enough to wipe it off", fince the Cha-
ra^.ler of ihe Midwife is only fo far touch'd as is necedary
for carrying on the Plot, fhe being principally decy-
pher'd in her procuring Capacity i and 1 dare not affrant
the Ladies fo far, as to ixoagine they cou'd be offended
at the expofin^ of a Bawd.
Some Ciiucs tcomplain, that the Defiga if defeAine
for want ofCalia's Appearance in the Scene i Init 1 bad
rather they {bauld End this Fault, thaa 1 forfeit my Aa^
fard to the Fair, bj^ fliewiog a Lady of Figure iiiider a
lisfortune ; for which Reason 1 made faer only N^mioal
and chofc to cxpofe the Pcxfou that ii^r -d her : And if
the Ladies don't agree that i bave doae her Jafticc ia tbe
End, I'm very ferry for t.
Some PaofHc ace apA to fay, That tbe CbaraSer of
RitMrnv-i points at a particular Perfon ; tbo* I miift co»-
fcl'Sf I fee nothing but what is very general in his Ciia<«
racier, except hit in>rrylng his own Miftrefs ; ivhicb faf
the way be never did, ior he wai ao fooner off the Sun^
but he changed hit Miod, and the poor Lady it AilT ai
^titu ^M9: Bwt upon the whole Matter, 'tis Applkatiaa
Ofily makes the Afs ; ai>d Charaders in Plays arc ItJoo
Lon^'lane Clothes, not hung out for the Ufe of any par-
ticular People, but to be bought by ooly thofe ihcy hap-
pen to fit
The mod material Ohjeflion againd l^is Play is the
Importance of the Subjed, which neceHarily leads inea
Sentiments too great for Divcrfion, and fuppofes Vicea
too great for Comedy to puniOi* 'Tis faid, 1 maft own,
tli;it the Bufincfs of Comedy \h chiefly to ridicule Follyy
8ii(i that the Puniihmerit of Vice falls rather into the Pro*
vince of Trag/cdy ; but if there be a middle Sort of
Wicked nefs too high for the S$cJtB and too iow for the
Biifiin^ is there any Reafgo that ic flioo^d go uopuaiOi'd?
What
PREFACE. s
Whlf ftit UKIfe •BilttkWai to human Society, thtn the
VaUtdt ftpotM ih ihii hcjr, the Fntfds, t^lou and Con-
tfivanoes apon the Fortunei of Men, and the Vii tue of
Women f out the Perfonrare too mean for Heroic ; then
whntmaft we do with- them ? Why, the^ mnft of nt-
cCfflty ar6p iritd Com^^ : For it it unreaionable to ima-
gine that the Lawgivers in Poetry would tie themfclvei
up from exfttftin^ that Jufti^e which it the Foundation
of their Conftitution ; or to fay, that expofing Vice i& the
Bnfinefs of the Drama, and yet make Rules to fcreen it
from Perfecutiott.
^ Some have aflced the Qaeftion, V/hy the Elder JVoudhe^
in the Foorth AA> fliould counterfeit Madnefs in hi»
Confinement ? Don't miftake, there was no fuch thing
in his Head y and the Judlciodt could eafily perceive that
It was only a Surt of Homour put on to divert his Me-
lancholy, and when Gaiety is drained to cover Misfor-
tune, it may vtty naturally be overdone, and rife to a
Semblance of Madncfs, fufficient to impofe on the Con-
ftable, and pdrhaps on Tome of the Audience ; who tak-
ing everv thin? at Sight, impute that as a Kaiilt, which
\ am bold to ftand op for, ns one of the moft mallerly
Strokes of the whole Piece.
This I thinic fufficient to obviate what ObjcAions I
have heard made ; but there was no great Occafion for
4aking this Defence, having had the Opinion of fome
of the ereateft Perfons in England^ both for Quality and
Parts, that the Play has Merit enough to hide more Faults
than hav6 been roand i and I think their Approbation
filfficient to excufe fome Pride that may be incident to
tNe Author upon this Perform.incd.
I muft own myfelf obliged to Mr. L§nguf'oilh for fome
Lines in the Partof T'/ii/ir/, and fomethingof the Lawyer ;
but above all for his Hint of the Twins, upon which I
form'd my Plot: But having paid him all due Satisfac-
tion and Acknowledgment, I mull do tnyfelf the Juftice
to believe, that few of our modern Writers have been
lefs beholden to foreign Afliftance in their Plays, than I.
have been in the following Scenes.
D 5 PRO-
^g^^em^ stmm^A ^fl^AEBfe iCMflMfe tMmaBI^ jg|^^a|^ jflMrfife
'WW l^PP^Spr VCWflfr ^fRWgir ^VJVVPr 'WVVVr ^1B^^B»
PROLOGUE; By Mr. Mottiux.
Spoken by Mr. WILKS.
An ALARM founded^
Tf/'ITH Drums and Trumpets in this warring Agf,
A Martial ProUgui fl?9u!d alarm tbt Stagi.
New Plays ere Aaed^ a full Audience near^
Seem Tonvns invifted, nuben a Siege I bey /ear*
Pro 'agues are like a Fere'lorn Hope/ent eut
Before tbe Play^ iojkirmip and to fcout :
Our dreadful Foes, tbe Critics, nvben tbey ffy^
They cock, they charge, t bey fire then hack tbeyfy,
Tbe Siefre is laid tbeir gallant Chiefs abound^ ^
Here^Foes intrenched; tbere^^glittiring Troops around, V
Ahd the loud Batteries roar — from yonder rifissg Gvoustd, 3
Jnthe firft Aa, brijk Sallies (mifsorbit)
With follies of/mall Shot, or fnip-fnap Wit^
Attack, and gall the Trenches of the Pit*
Tbe next "^^ the Fire continues, but at lengtb
Crows lefs, and flachens like a BridegroonCs Strength*
Tbe third. Feints, Mines, and Countermines abound.
Tour Critic Engineers fafe under-ground.
Blow up our Work/, and all our art confound.
Tbe fourth — brings on moft Aaion, and *tis Jharpy
Frejh Foes croud on, at your Remijfnefs carp.
And de/p'rate^ tho* unJkiWd, infult our Counterfcarp^
Then comes tbe loft ; tbe general Storm is near^
Tbe Poet-governor now quakes for Fear;
Rum wildly up and down i forgets to huff.
And wou^d give all he's plunder d to get off
So — Don, and Monfieur — BlufF, before tbe Siege,
Were quickly tamld^-^at Vcnlo, and at Liege :
]
P R O L O G U E.
YWmtf ViTi Sptgnia ! Vive Prtnce \ Ufmrt ;
IVm;, Qparder: Monfiearl Qaartier! Ah I Senor!
But ^vobatyour Rifohuiom cam nuitbfimidT
Tou mafier all, find a«ufe the Sea and Land,
Jm IFaT'^our FjUour makes the Strong fuhmit i
Tour Judgment humbles all Attempts in IFit.
What Plajt tvbat Forty what Beauty can endure
Jill fierce Jffaidts^ and alivajs hefecure !
^ben grant ^em genro^s 7erms njtibo dare to *wnte.
Since non»—that feems as 4ejfrate as to fight :
Iftve muft yield^^et e*er the Day hefixt,
tit us bold out tbi Tbird-^and, if we may, the Sixtk%
DITA.
DRAMAXry FERSONiBl.
DRURY-LANE, 1^1^
U B. N.
Young fTcu'Me^
Mr. Mhii
Elder ^#»V*i^.
Mr. ReMJhi.
7r»r/9tf»i
Ur.Jfffer/nu,
Richmtn^
Mr P^rri/r.
Fair-hanki.
Mr. Hur/^
Suhtlemafip.
Mr. Baddile^
Alderman^
Mr. Fmr/onsm,
Balderdajh^
Mr. Ackmanm.
Steward^
Mf. Hartfy.
FoeU
Mr. HT. Ptf/iw#r^
ConftabUy
Mr. Wrigbieui
Tiaguis
Mr. Afi^M^^
t^antn
MiftPi^^/
mdnigbtt
Mrs. Bradfimml
Mra. Ckar^auQunti.
Mrs-. Zwr.
Jur(Ua%
Mrs. Ahingtw*
tCENE,. lONDOlf,
wmmmmtmmmik
U \Ml
THE
T WIN-^RIVALS^
ACT I.
S C E N E^ Lodgings.
fl^ Curtain draws up, ^ifeovtrs ycung WouMbt 4 drtf-
Jing, and bii VaUt buckiing^ bit Sbottt*
Bi.j».*ERE is foch a Plague every Morm»gr
with buckling Shoes, gartering, cbmbiifgi.
and powderinf;— *-^Pihaw ! ceafe thy Ittif^
perunence, I'll drefs nb more today
N-p^Were I an hoaeft Brute, that
?4^ rifes from his Liuer, ihakes himfelf^ and
h ia dreft, I cou'd bear it.
Entet Rrchroore.
Rkb. Nd farther yet, Wou'dbe! 'Tis almoft One.
y. W^ Then bhime the Clock-makers, they made it
fc ;— — Frithee, what have w^ to do with Time ? Can't
we let k alone as Nature made it ? Can't a Man eat when
Wabnngry, go to Bed when he's fleepy, rife when he
wakeiy drefs when he ploaifeay without the Confinement
•£ Hours t« enflave him ^
Rkb.
10 The Twin-Rivdls.
Rub. Pardon me^ Sir^ I underftand yonr 8t(ttc{fin<-»
You have loft your Money lad Night.
Y. W. No« no> Fortune took care of me the r e ■ ■■■!
had none to loTe.
Rich. Tis that gives you the Spleen.
. Y. tV. Yes, I have got the Spleen and (bmethipg eUc
^Hcark'e
Rich. How ! \JVbi/ffrt. ,
Y. W, Pofitively. The Lady's kind Reception wai
the moft fcvcre Ufage t ever met with — Sha'n't I break
her Windows, Richmore ?
Rich. A mighty Revenge truly : Let me tell ypilt
Friend, that breaking the Windows of fuch Houies are
no more thah writing over a Vintner's Door, as they do
in Holland— Vin te hoop* *Tis no more than a Buih to the
Tavern, a Decoy to the Trade, and to draw in CuA
tomers ; but upon the whole Matter, I think, a Gentle-
man fhou'd put up an AiFront got in fuch little Company i
for the Pleaiure, the Pain, and the Refentmenc are all
alike fcandalous.
Y. W, Have you forgot, Richmore^ how I found yon
one Morning with the flying Pofi in your Hand, hunt*
ing for Phyfical Adverdfements ?
Rich, 1 hat was in the Days of Dad^ my Friendt la
the Days of dirty Linen, Pit-mafks, Hedge- taveriis, and
Beef-fteaks : But now I fly at nobler Game, the Ringv
the Court, Paiulet's and the Park. I defpife all JVomen
that I apprehend any Danger from, ^lefs than the having
my Throat cut ;. ana fhould fcruple to converfe even witE
a Lady of Fortune, unlefs her Virtue were loudenoag^
to give me Pride in expofing it — Here's a Letter I re*
ceiv'd .thi» Morning ; you may read it. {jSintis a Lttttr-
Y. W. [Reads ]
JF there he Solemnity in Proteflations^ Juftice in Heawn^
'*• or Fidelity on Earthy 1 may ftill depend on tbo Fintb rf
niy Richmore Tho" Tmay conceal my Lo<ue^ I no Ungtr
canJfide the Effeas en*t from the World Be careful of mf
honour, remember your ^ew/, and fly to tbi Relief of tbt
difconfolate Clelii.
The fair, the courted, blooming Clelia t
Rich. The credulous, troublefome, fooliii CleHa. Did* .
Tie TwifhRivab^ i.i
jon ever read fach a fulibme Haranfirue-^Lord, Sir, [
am near my 'Hmet and want your Afiiftance— Does tha
filly Creatare imagine tbat anv Man wou*d come near
lier in thofe Ctrcamftances, uBlefs it were Dodor Cbam"
itrlaiit'^Yoa may keep the Letter.
Y. XPl But why wou*d you trnft it with me ? Yon
know I can't keep a Secret that has any Scandal in*t.
RM, For that reafon 1 communicate it. I know thou
art a perfed Gaztttty and will fpread the News all over
the Town : For you muft nnd«riland that f am now be-
fieging another ; and 1 would have the Fame of my
Conqneft upon the Wiog, that the Town may furrender
the foonar.
Y. W, But if the Report of your Ciuclty goes along
with that of vour Valour, you'll find no Garrilon of any
Strength will open their Gates to you.
. Rich. No, noj Women are Cowards, the Terror pre*
vails upon them more than Clemency : My heft Pretence
to my Siiccefs with the Fair, is my ufing 'em ill ;^ 'tis
taming their own Guns upon 'em, and I have always
found It the moft fuccefsful Battery to afTail one Repuu*
tion by facrificing another..
Y. fF. I eou'd love thee for thy Mifchief, did 1 not
envy diee for thy Succefs in't.
iicb. You never attempt a Woman of Figure;
Y. Wc How can I f This confounded Hump of mine
it ibch a Burden a^ my^ Back, that it prefies me down
here in the Dirt and Difeafes of Covent-Garden^ the low^
Snbarbs of Pleafure Curft Fortune I I am a younger
Brother, and yet cruelly depriv'd of my Birth-right, a
handfome Perfon; feven thoufand a Year in a direct
Line, wouM have ftraiten'd my Back to fome Purpofe—
Bnt I look, in my prefent Circum (lances, like a Branch
of another kind, grafted only upon the Stock, which
xnakes me grow fo crooked.
Rich. Come, come, *tis no Misfortune, your Father
is £> as well as you.
Y. fF, Then why (houM not I be a Lord as well as he?
Had I the fame Title to the Deformity, I cou'd bear it.
Rich. But how does my Lord bear the Abfence of
your Twin- brother ?
Y. W.. My Twin-brother ! Ay, 'twas his crouding me
that
Hut fpdilM my Shape, and kti coning half aa tloar h^
ibre me that ruin*d my Fortuoe^Nty Father tx|i«lifd Hit'
his Houfe feme two Vears ago, beCaufe- 1 .ffOfalA'lmlit'
perfuadecl him that my Twin4>rotlier was a Bftftard->-'>->«
He gave me my Portion^ which was aboat fiftatt lt\io-
dred Pound, and I have fpeat two thoa&nd of it dlreadyw
As for my Brother, he don't care a Farthing for mb^.
XhL Why fo, pray ?
V. PF. A rery odd Reafon— ^Becaafc I hate htni.
HicL How mould he know that ?
Y. ^. Becaufe he thinks it reafonable it ihoo'd be (b,
Ricb. But did your 'aflions ever exprefs any Maltde t^
him?
Y,lf^» Yes: Iwout^ fain have kept hint company i-
but being aware of my Kindnefs ; he went abrora : m
has travell'H thefe five Vears^ and I am told, it a glilre^
feber Fellow, and in danger of living a greal>wbile | dl
my hope is, that when he gets into his HooOar aid
Eliate, the Nobility will foon kill him by drinking him
up to his Dignity.— But come, Frami^ 1 have but tw^
£ye-fbres in the World, a Brother before me, and a Haajp
behind me, and thOu art ftill laying *em in rnifWty:
Let us aflume an Argument of Icfe Sevefity * iCaa't
thou lend me a Brace of hundred Pounds ?
JRich What wou'd you do with 'em?
Y. ^. Do with *em ! There's a Qgeftiofi indo<di
i-— Do you think I woQ*d cat 'cm ?
Rich. Yes, o' my troth «^ou*d you, and drlAk *ctoi Mi
gethcr. Look'e, Mr. IVou^dbt^ whilft ydu kept wdl
with your Father, I cou'd have ventor'd to have lentyo^
£ve Guineas. — But as the Cafe ftan'ds, lean afiiire yo«j t
have lately paid off my Siilers Fortunes, an d ■■ ■
Y.W. Sir, this Put-oJF looks like an Affront, wha»
you know I don't ufe to take fuch Things. '
Rich, Sir, your Demand is rather an Affront, wkeik
you know I don't ufe to give fuch Thiogt*
Y. W, Sir, ril pawn my Honour..
Rich. That's mortgaged already for more than it H
worth ; you had better pawn your Sword there, 'Cvill
bring you forty Shillings.
Y, W. 'Sde^b, ^it'^l7akt$bisS'mrdcftb4r0U€.. '
^h. Ho1d» Mfr. fi^Vifr,->-^ia|ip^ I pot an end »
ourMitforCuMBitll'ac oo€€.
Y.;^. How, Sir?
Rich. Wtijf igo to a Magiftrate, and fwarr 70a woa'd
lave robb*d me of Two hnndi^ Pound 8-^Lo<Hc'e» 8if»
"ou htLV€ been often told, that your ExtraTagance wau'd
Qtae Time or other be the roin of yoo ; and it wHi go -a
;reat way ia yoar Indidment, to nav« tarn'd the p0d
pon your Friend.
y. ^. This Ufage is the height of Ingratitude ftom
ou, in whoTe Company 1 have fpent my Fortune.
Ri<&. Vtn therefore a Witneft, that it was very ill
jent— — Why woa*d you keep Comjyany* beat«qual
^Kpenoes with me that have fifty times yonr filiate?
(<^hat was Gallantry iti me, was Pfodigality in yoo :
line was my tiealth, bocaufe I couM pay for it ; yeura
Difeafe, btcaafe yoa coa^d not.
y. ^. And is this all I muft txpt^ from oof Fritnd-
*p?
Hich, Friendfliij) ! Sir, there can bt no fadi ^ing
^»JbMt an EqaaHity.
Y« -^^ That is, tliere can be no ftich thityg whetb
lieie is oocafioA for^t.
iRicib. Right. Sir,— ^oirr Friendihip was over a Bottle
nly ; :a«id whilA you can pay your Club of Ftiendfliip,
*m that way your humble Servant ; but when once you
oQie boirrowrnjy Ptn this way-^^^^your humble Servant.
Y. tl^. Rich, bi|r, proud, arrogant Villai'n ! i have
een twice hi? Second, thrice iick of the famt Love, and
nfiqe cuf^'d by the fame Phyfiic, and now he drops tnt
Dr a Trifle— That an honeft Fellow in his Cups, ftiouM
c foch a Rogue when he's fober ! — The narrow -hearted
Lafcal has been drinking CofRse this Morning. Well,
Iwu dear foljrary Half-crown, adieu! Here, Jac^^
Enter Servant.] take this, pay for a bottle of Wine,
nd bid Bayerdajh bring it himfelf. [Exit, Servant.],
low melancholy are ray poor Breeches ; not one
Jhi^fe !- Thoe art a villainoos Hand, for thou haft{
ick'd my Pocket, This Vintner now has all the
larks of an honet Fellow, abroad Face, a copipusLook,
ftrutdftg Belly, and a jolly Mien* i have, brought him,
a^bova:
14 Sri&tf Twm*RivaIs.
above three Pound a Night for thefe two Years Aiccef-
fivel)r. The Rogue has Money, I'm furc, if he will but
lend it.
Enter Balderdafh nvith a Bottle and Glaft. .
Oh, Mr. Balderdaftff good Morrow.
Bald, Noble Mr. Woudbt^ Tm your mod humble Ser-
vant — I have brought you a Whetting-glafe, the h^QU
Bock in Europe \ 1 know 'tis your Drink in a Morning.
Y. W. I'll pledge you/ Mr. Balderdiijb.
Bald. Your Health, Sir. [Drinks.
Y. W. Pray, Mr. Balderdajh, tell me one Thing, but
firil iit down : Now tell me plainly what you think of me.
Bald, Think of you. Sir ! 1 think that yon are the ho-
nedeft, nobleft Gentleman, that ever drank aGlafs of Winej
and the bed Cuftomer that ever came into my Houfe.
Y. W, And you really think as you fpeak.
Bald, May this Wine be my Poifon, Sir, if I don't
fpeak from the bottom Qf my Heart. [Drinki*
Y. W. And how much Money diO yon think I have
■fpent in your Houie ?
Bald. Why, truly. Sir, by a moderate Corapatatioii
I do believe, that I have handled of your Money the bed
Part of Five hundred Pounds within thefe two Years,
Y. W. Very well! And do you think that you lie on-
der any Obligation for the Trade I have promoted tfl
your Advantage ? .
Bald. Yes, Sir ; and if I can ferve you in any reljpefi;
pray command me to the utmoil of my Ability.
Y. W. Well ! thanks to my Stars, diere xs ftill fomc
honefty in Wine. Mr. Balderdajh^ I embrace you aoc
your Kinduefs : I am at prefent a little low in CaOi, and
mud beg you to lend me a hundred Pieces.
Bold. Why truly, Mr. IVcu^dhe, 1 was afraid it wook
come to this ; 1 have had it in my Head feveral timet tc
caution you upon your Expences : But you were fo vei)
genteel in my Houfe, and your Liberality became yoo
lo very well, that 1 was unwilling to fay any thing thai
might check your Difpofition ; but truly, Sir, I can for-
bear no longer to tell you, that you have been a littk
too extravagant,
Y. ^. But ii nee you reap'd the Benefit of my Extra"
vagance, you will, 1 h^jpe, confider my Neceflity.
MJdi
!tte Twin-Rivals. ig
Sold. ConfideryonrNecelEtjpl I do with all my Heart,
and moft tell yoa, moreover, that 1 will be no looser ac-
cefTary to it: I defire you. Sir, to freqaent my Hoa(e
no more.
Y. fF. How, Sir !
BaU, I (ay; Sir, that I have an Honour for mf gpod
Lord your Father, and will not fuflfer his Son to run into
any Inconvenience : Sir, 1 fliall order my Drawers not to
ferve you with a drop of Wine. Wou'd you have mc
connive at a Gentleman*s DeflrndUon ?
Y. ^. But methinks, Sir, that a Perfon of your nice
Confdence fhould have cautionM me before.
BaJii. Alas ! Sir, it was none of my Buiinefs: WouM
you l^ave me be fancy to a Gentleman that was my beft
Cnftomer? Lackaday, Sir, had you Money to hold it out
. ftill, I had been hang'd rather than be rude to vou— -
Bat truly, Sir, when a Man is ruin'd^ *tis but tne Duty
of a Chriilian to tell him of it.
y. IT. Will you lend me Money, Sir ?
Bald. Will vou pay me this Bill, Sir ?
Y. W. Lend me the Hundred Pound, and Til pay the
Bill
Bald. Pay me the Bill, and I will — not lend you the
Hundred Pound, Sir. — But pray coniider with yourfcif,
now. Sir; wou*d not you think me an errant Coxcomb,
to truft a Perfon with Money that has always been fo ex«
traragant under my Eye ? whofe Profufenefs I have feen,
I have felt, I have handled? Have not I known you, Sir,
throw away ten Pound of a Night upon a Covey of Pit-
Partridges, and a Setting-Dog ' Sir, you have made my
Honie an ill Houfe : My very Chairs will bear you no
longer.— In (hort, Sir, I defij:e you to frequent the
Crown no 'more. Sir.
Y. PF. 1 hou fophifticated Tun of Iniquity ; have I
fattened your'Carcafs, and fwell'd your Bags with my vital
Blood ? Have 1 made you my Companion to be thus fancy
to me ? But now I will keep you at your due Diilance.
[Kich him.
Sir. Welcome. Sir!
Y. fr. Well faid. Jack. [Kuh him again.
Ser. Very welcome, Sir f I hope we (hall have your
Company another Time. Welcome, Sir. [ He's kick' d off.
i8 Th Vkvhhklvab.
Y. Tf^. ?ny, Wait 6n hitSk down 3t)iirs, ud Me lutf
a Welcome at the Doot toa C^xi/ Servant.
This is the Panifhinciit of Hell ; the very DciAl that
tempted me to Sin, now upbraids me with the Crime.— «
I have villainoudy murdered my Fortune, and iiow its
Ghoft, in the lank Shape Of Poverty, haunts me : Is theie
no Chal-m to conjure down the Fitnd f
ke-enter Servant.
Sir. Oh, Sir ! here's fad Newt.
Y. IV. Then keep it to thyfelf, I have enoogli of diaC
already.
Ser. Sir, you will hear it too foon«
y. m What! is Bread htXo^}
Ser. No, no^ Sir; better twenty fuch a« he %itA
hang'd. Sir, your Father's dead.
Y. tV. My Father! — Good night, my Lord: lias kf
kft me any thing ?
Ser. I heard nothing of that. Sir.
Y. IV. Then I believe you heard all tWre was of it.
Let me fee»— My Father dead ! and mV elder brother
abroad ! — If Neceflity be the Mother or Invention. §»
was never more pregnant than with mre. {Pau/is»^ .Here*
Sirrah, run to Mrs. Midnight ^ and bid her tome hither
torefently. [Exit Servant?) That >^om.an was my
Mother's Midwife when I was born, and has been mf
Bawd thefe ten Years. I have had her Endeavours ta
corrupt my Brother's Miflrefs; ahd tiow ker ^A^Kftaaoe
will be neceffary to cheat him of his Eftate ; J^r flie*e
famous for underftanding the right- fide af a Wcman*.
^d the wrong- fide of the Law. \fiM%
SCENE changtt tb MidnightV iiou/t.
Midnight and Maid,
Mid. Who's there?
Maid, Madam.
Mid. Has any Meflige been left for me To-day ?T
Maid. Yes, Madam ; httt has been one from m^ Lady-
StilBpm, that defir'd you not to be out of the Way) for
file expeded to cry out every Minute.
Mtd, How ! tvery Minute !— Let me fee — \Ta^s out
h£r PocUt'laok,^ Siilh^rti-^Ay^-'the reckons with het
Qulbandfrom the firft of ^j^r/V ; and with Sir ^amist
ifomi
frote the firft of Marcjf, Ay, (bc'« silwayt a Mosth
before hfit time. [Knocking «/ the Dfivr.} GO; fee who's
f^ the ]>oor» n ■ ■
jti^/>^ Yes^ Ma4am. [i!>y/ Maid*
D^iy. Well f certainly therQ is noft a Wooian in the
World fo willing to oblige Vf ankiad as myielf ; anAreallji
t have been (bi ever fince tb^ Age of Twdvei as I caa
TcmimhpT. — ^I have delivered a^ many Wonsen of great
Bellies^ and, helped as. many lo 'em. as any Peribo in^srg'-
&«//; but my Watching %.qd Carcs have;brpkegi me ^ouc^
I ^n. not the iame Woman I w^ forty Years, ago.
£nter Richmo/e«.
Oh^ Mu RkJlfmrt^J yoq're a fad Man. a bj»r bairns Man^
fo }pu ^re I . What, wilt becpnae of poor C/e/iat Mr •
iticb^orif Th^ {>OQr Crej^ture is b, big with her Misfor-
tunes, that they are aot to be.b.QrAe. \}Veeps^
Rich. Yoo, Mrs. Migntgbt, are.thefitreftPcribn.in the
World to cafe her.of 'em.
iiffV. And. woD^ yon.viarry her* Hbr* Richmtrtf
Riti, My Confcieinc^ wpnH allow it; for I havefwom
:£oce to mprhy aqojhirr.
4///. And willypp break your Vows to Cleliaf
Rich. Why not,, when /he has broke hers to me ?
Mid. Mow's that, Sirf
Rich,. Why, ihe fwore a hjindred Times never to grant
ane the Favour, and yet, you know^ fhe broke her Word.
ifijd. 9u( fhe. lov'd Mj*. RicJbfnore, and th^t was the
Rea^n,(he forgot her Oath.
Jkich. And flove Mt.Ricbmn, and that is the Rcafon
I.fprgOilt ^ine.— Why ihou'd Ihe be angry that I follow.
Iier own Bxainplcj by doing the very fame Thing from
ihe very fame Motive ?
Mid.^ Well, well ! take my Word, you'll never thrive—
I* wonder how you can have the Face to come near me,
4that a9i the Wiincfs of your horrid Oaths and Impre>^
cations.! Ane not you afraid that the guilty Chamber
above- fiairs ihovUd fall down upon your Head ?•— Yes, yes,.
I was acceiTary , I was fo ! btft if ever you involve my.
Honour in fiich a Villainy the fecond Time, — Ah, popr
CleliaJ I lov'd her as 1 did my own Daughter— you fed u-
cing Man. ■ [ Weeps.
Bicb, Hey, hoi my jiurelitu
Mid,
i8 The Twin-Rivals.
Mid* Hey, ho! ihe's very pretty.
Rich, Doit thou know her, my dear Midnight ?
Mid* Hey, ho ! (he's very pretty. — Ah, you*re a fad
Man. — ?oor Clelia was handfome, bat indeed, breeding,
puking, and longing, has broken her much.-— TTisa
nard Cafe, Mr. Richmore, for a voung Lady^ to' fee a
thoufand Things, and long for a thoufand Thinjgs, and,
yet not dare to own that (he longs for one.— She had like
to have mifcarried t'other Day for the Pith of a Loin o£
VeaL — Ah, you barbarous Man I
Rich. But, my Aurelia / confirm me that you know
her, and Fll adore thee.
Mid, You wou'd fling five hundred Guineas at my
Head, that you knew as much of her as 1 do ; Why» Sir*
I brought her into the World ; I have had her ijprawling.
in my Lap. Ah! fhe was plump as a Puffin, Sir.
Rich. I think (he has no great Portion to value JieHUf
upon ; her Reputation on^ will keep up the Market.
We muft firil make that cheap, by crying it down^ and
then (he'll part with it at an eafy rate.
Mid. But won*t you provide for poor Clelia f
Rich. Provide ! Why han't I taught her a Trade? Let
her fet up when (he will, PlI engage her Cuftomers enoughi
becaufe J can anfwer for the Goodnefs of her Ware.
Mid. Nay, but you ought to fet her up with Credit^
and take a Shop ; that is, get her a Hufband.— -Have yet
no pretty Gentleman your Relation now, that wants a
young virtuous Lady with a handfome Fortune? Noyoong
lemfiar that has fpent his Eftate in the Study of the \jk91%
and (larves by the Practice ? No (pruce Officer that wants'
a handfome Wife to make Court for him among theMaJQih
Generals? Have you none of thefe. Sir?
Rich. Pho, pho. Madam — you have tired me upon that
Subjed. Do you think a Lady that gave me fb mack
trouble before Po(reflion, (hall ever give me any after it?
No, no, had (he been more oblieing to me when I was
in her Power, I (hou'd be more civil to her now flie's in
mine : My Affiduity before-hand was an over-price ; had
(he made a Merit of the Matter, (he fhould have yielded
fooner.
Mid, Nay, nay, Sir; tho* you have no regard to her
Honour, yet you (hall prote^ mine : How d°ye think I
have
The Twin- Rivals. 1 9
ivc fccur*d my Reputation fo long among the People of
e bcft Figure, but by keeping all Mouths ftopi ? Sir,
1 liave no Clamours at me. — Heavens help me, I have
amoars enough at my Door early atid late in my t'other
ipacifiy : Jn ihort. Sir, a Hufband for CUUm ; or I
miili you my Prefence for ever.
Ri<b. Thou art a ncceflary Devil, and I can*c want
ee. [ ^Jide.
Mid, Look'e, Sir, 'tis your own Advantage ; 'tis only
aking over your £ftate into the Hands of a Truilee ;
id tiio' you don't abfolutely command the Premi^Ies, yet'
>a may exad enough out of 'eja for Neceflaries, when
>a will.
Rieb. Patience a littles Madam!-: J have a young
ephew that is a Captain of Horfe : He mortgag'd the
ft Morfel of hisEftate to me, to make up his Equipage
T tbe laA Campaign. Perhaps you know him ; he's a
riik Fellow, much about Court, Captain Trueman,
Mid. Trueman ! Adfmylife, he's one of my Babies ;^^
can tell you^the y^ry Minute he was born— precifely at
^hrcc o'clock next St. G^erg^s Day, Trueman will be two
nd twenty ; a Stripling, the prettieft good natur'd Child,
nd your Nephew! He mud be the Man ; and (hall be
le Man; I have a Kindnefs for him^
Rich, But we muft have a Care; the Fellow wants
either Senfe nor Courage.
Mid. Phu, phu, never fear her Part, fhc (han't want
iRrudions; and then for her Lying-in a little abruptly,
is my fiufinefs to reconcile Matters there, a Fright or a
allezcufes that: Lard^ Sir, I do thefe Things every Day.
Rich, *Tis pity then to pat you out of your Road ; and
lelia (hall have a Hufband.
Mid. Spo'^e like a Man of Honour. — And now Til
rrvc you again. This Aurelia, you fay
RtcfK^ 4he diftrafts me! her Beauty, Family, and
Irtuife makelier a noble Pleafure
Mid. And you have a Mind, for that reaibn, to get her
Hu(baiid.
Ricff. Yes, faith : I have another youne Relation at
Mmbrtdgt^ he's ju<t going into Orders ; and I think fuch
fine Woman, with Fifteen Hundred Pound, is a better
refentation than any Living in my Gift ; and why fhou'd
l^e
ao Tie Twin-Rhdsi
he like the Qure the wor ie, that an Incnmbcnr was thm
before ?
Mid* Thou art a pretry Fellow.— At the faiae Moment
you wou'd perfuade me that you love- a Woman to Mad*
nefs, you are contriving how to part with her ?
Rich. If I Iov*d her not to Madnefs, I ihou?d not ntt
into thejfe Ccntradidions Here, my dear Mother,
Jurelias the Word — • lOjeri^g her Mvatj^
Mid, Pardon me. Sir; [^Refufittg the MottejrJ Did yoa
ever know me mercenary ?- — No, no. Sir ; Virtue b io
own Reward.
Rieh. Nay, but Madam, I owe you foi the Teeth* ,
Powder you fcnt me.
Midt O, that^s another Matter^ Sir; [Takes tbeMuitf]
I hope you like it. Sir ?
Rich. £xtremelys Madam. But it was fbmewhat deie
of twenty Guineas. [JJiA.
Enter Servant.
Set. Madam, Irere is Mr. Witu^dhe\ Footman below
with a Meflage from hisMafter*
Mid. I come to him preiently : Do you know that
Wou'dbe loves JnreliiC^ Coufm and Companion, Mn.
Csnftancej with ihe great Fortune, and that I (bUdt
for him ?
Riih. Why, lhc*s engag'd to hb elder Bbrothcr : Defides,
young Woudhe has no Money to profecute an Affair of
iiich Confequence.— You can have no Hopes of Succcft
there, Tm fure.
MU. Truly, I have no great Hopes ; but an indcrftiioM
Body, you know, wou'd do any thing rather tlian be
idle : The /^onc is vtxy near her Time, and 1 have ac-
cefs to the Family when I pleaie.
Rifthm Now I think on't; Prithee, get the Letter from
Wou^dbe that I gave him juil now ; it wou'd be proper
to our Defigns upon 7ruemaw, that it (hou'd not be
exposM.
Mid. And you fliew'd CU^ia's Letter to PfWdhe ?
Rich. Yes.
Mid. Eh, you barbarous Man— Who the DeviLwoa'4
oblige you — What Picafure can you take in expoiing the
poor Creature ? Dear little Child, 'lis pi y, indeed it it.
Kick*
The Twin-Rivnls. ti
Rrcb, Madam, the MelTenger waits below ; fo V\l
take my Leave. [Sxit,
Mia. Ah, you^re a fad Man. [£;r/V.
Tire Emi of the Firfi ACT.
A C T IL
SCENE, The Park.
Conilance an^ A^relia,
Ar, "pRiihee, Coufin Conftance^ be chearful ; let the
« X dead Lord deep in Peace, and look up to the
(Living ; take Fen, Ink and Paper, and wrice inimediatcly
lo your Lover, that he is now a £aron of England^ and
you long to be a Baronefs.
Con. Nay, Junelia^ there is fome regard due to the
Memory of the Father, for the Refpe^ 1 bear the Son ;
i^efides, I don't know how I could wifh my young Lord
were at home in this Jundlure : This Brother or his—
Some Mifchief will nappen 1 had a very ugly Dream
Jkft Night ^In ihoit, I am eaten up with the Spleen, my
Dear.
Jur, Come, Come, walk about and divert it ; the
Alt will do you good ; think of other People's AiFairs a
little— When did you fee Clelia?
. Con. I'm glad you mentioned her; don't you obferve
ker Gaiety to be much more forc'd than formerly, her
Humour don't fit To eafy upon her.
Aur, No, nor her Stays neither, I cap aflure you.
Con, Did you obferve how fhe devoured the l:*omeg'ra-
nates yefterday ?
Jur, She talks of vlfiting a Relation in Lekefterjhirt,
Con, She fainted away in the Country-dance t'other
Night.
Jfur. Rkbmore (hunn'd her in the Walk laft Week.
^Cen, And his Footman laugh'd.
Vol. lU E ^«r.
aS Tie Twin- Rivals.
But, my Dear, I'm fo much afraid of my young LcrcTs
coming home : he's a cunning clofe Man, they fay, and
will examine my Accounts very narrowly.
If^ffe. Ay, my Dear, would you had the younger Bro-
ther to deal with ; you mijght manage him as you pleas'd
*— 1 fee him coming. Let us weep, let us weep.
[7i&/)> ful/ out their Handkerchiefs, andjeem to mourn, •
Enter Young Wou'dbe,
Stew. Ah, Sir, we have all loll a Father, a Friendi
and a Supporter.
Y. IV, Ay, Mr. Steward, we muft fubmit to Fat?, as
he has done. And it is no fmall Addition to my Grief,
honeft Mr. Clear-account , that it is not in my Power to
fopply my Father's Place to you and yours— Your Sin-
cerity and Juftice to the Dead mciits the grealcft Regard
from thofe that furvive him— —Had I but my Brothcf^i
Ability, or he my Inclinations, — —I'll alTure yoa, Mrs.
Clear. a(counti you ihould not have fuch Caufe to moiini|
fVife. Ah, good noble Sir !
Ste-w, Your Brother, Sir, I hear is a \try ievere
Man.
Y. W. He is what the World calls a prudent Man,
' Mr. Steward: I have often heard him very Ievere «pon
Men of your Bufinefs ; and has declared. That for Form*8
take indeed he would keep a Steward, but that he JM^ould
iniped into all his Accounts himfelf.
Pf^tfe. Aye, Mr. Woudbe^ you have more Senfe than
to do tliefe Things ; you have more Honour than to
trouble your Head with your own Affairs— -—Would to
Heavens we were to ferve you.
Y. W. Wou d I cou'd ferve you, Madam,-— • without
Injuftice to my Brother.
'Enter a Servant.
Ser, A Letter for my Lord Wou^dle.
Sttnv. It comes too late, alas ! for his Pcrufal; let me
fee it. (Open', and reads,
Frankfort, 06lob. lo, N§w Stjie,
Frankfort / Where's Frankfort, Sir !
Y. /^. in Gtrmany : This Letter mull be from my Bro-
ther ! I fuppofe he's coming home.
SieiAj, 'Tis none of his Hand. Let me fee. (Rends,
The ikvtn-Rivah. 23
Tm rcffolvM tgaioft a Man that difappears all the Summer
like a Woodcock.
[i6 tbefi 9Fords an fp^lten^ IVaeman inters behind tbem^
m» fmffing over the Stage.
True, Taat's for mc, whoever fpoke it. Aurelia!
{fnrprifeJ,J ^ [The Ladies tarn aSomt.
Con, Whait Captain, you're afraid of every thing but
the Enemy !
Tme, 1 have Reafooy. Ladies, to be mod appre hen five
where there is moft Danger : The Enemy is fatisfied with
a Leg or an Arm^ bat here Vm in hazard of loiing my
Heart.
Jar. None in the World, Sir, Nobody here defigns to
attack it.
True, But fuppofe it be aflanlted, and taken ^eady.
Madam f
Jmr. Then we*ll return it without Ranfom.
True. But fuppofe, Madam, the Prifoner chufe to (lay
where it is.
jfur. That were to turn Deferter; and you know.
Captain, what fach deferve.
True. The Piinilhment it undergoes this Moment——
Shot to Death
Con. Nay, then, *d$ Time for me to put in— — P'ay,
5ir, have you heard the News of my Lord JVoudhc"* I/eath ?
^rue People mind not the Death of others, Madam,
that arc expiring thcmfelvcs. { lo Conrtance.) Do you
confider. Madam, the Penalty of wounding a Man in the
Park ? [To Aurcl.
Jur. Hey day ! Why, Captain, d'ye intend to make a
^Vigo Bufinefi of it, antl break the Boom at once ? Sir, if
you only rally, pray let my L'oufin have her Share ; or if
you wou'd be particular, pray be more refpeflful i n
inuch upon the Declaration, I befeech you. Sir.
True. I have been, fair Creature, a perfed C<
my PafiioD ; I have had hard Strugglings with rov
before I -^nrft engage, and now perhaps behave
^e(jperatety.
Jher* Sir, I am very forry you have faid
I moft punifh you for't, tho' it be contrarji
nation. — Come, Confin, will you walk ?
Can. Servant, Sir. [J
£ 2
24- 3">&^ Twin-Rivals.
True. Charming Creature ! Imufl punt fl? you fw'^t^
M it be contrary to my Inclination — Hope and Dcrfpair in
a Breath, But I'll think the bell. [Exit.
i) C E N E changes to Young Wou'dbeV Lodgings.
Young Wou'dbe and Midnight meeting.
y. W. Thou Life and Soul of fecret Dealings, welcome.
Mid. My dear Child, blefs thee— Who would haveima-
in'd that 1 bro ight this great Rogue into the World ?
'e makes me an old Woman, I protcil But ad(b, my
i
Child, I forget; I'm forry for the Lo fa of vour Father,
forry at my Heart, poor Man. [fVeeps,"] Mr. PTou^die,
have you got a Drop of Brandy in your Clofet ; I an't
very well to-day.
Y. /^. That you (han't want : bat be pleas'd to fit, my
dear Mother — Here, Jaci, the Brandy-bottle— Now,
Madam— I have occafion to ufe you in dreiling up a hand-*
fomc Cheat for me.
Mid. I defy any Chamber-maid in England to do it
better-— I have drcfs'd up a hundred and fifty Cheats in
my 1 ime. [Enter Jack wif/j the Brandj'iottJe.]
Here, Boy, this Glafs is too big, carry it away, I'll take
a Sup out of the Bottle.
y. /^. Righf, Madam And my Bufmeff being
very urgent— In three Words, 'tis this —
Mid. flold, Sir, till I lake Advice of my Council.
[Drinks.] There is nothing more comfortable to a poor
Creature, and fitter to revive wafting Spirits, than a lit-
tle plain Brandy ; I an't for your hot Spirits, your Ro/s
Soli.^f your Ratlfias^ your Orange-waters, and the like —
A moderate Gla!'s of cool l^ants is the beft Thing.
Y. W. But to our Bufinefs, Madam My Father is
dead, and 1 have a mind to inherit his Eitate,
Mid. You put the Cafe very well.
Y. W. One of two Things I muft chufe— Either to be a
Lord or a Beggar.
Mid. Be a Lord to chufe— ^~Tho' I have known fome
that have chofcn b'oth.
Y. IV. I have a Brother that 1 love very well ; but fince
one of us mud want, I had rather he fliould (larve than 1.
Mid Upon my Confcicnce, dear Heart, you're in the
right on't.
Tie Twin- Rivals. 15
Y. W. Now your Advice upon thcfc Heads.
A//V/. They be Matters of W eight, and 1 muH coniidcr^
(Drinks.) h there a Will in the Cafe ?
Y. XT, There is ; which excludes me from every Foof
of the Eftate.
Mid, That*8 bad Where's your Brother ?
Y. IV. He's now in Germany^ in his way to EngUnd^
and is expelled very (bon.
Mid How foon ?
Y. If, In a Month, or lefs.
Mid. O ho! A Month is a great while! '^ur Biifinefs
muft be done in an Hour or two— We mull fuppofc your
Brother to be dead; nay, he (hall be aviualy dead^-«nod
my Lord, my humble Service t'ye— (Drinkt.
Y. W, O Madam. Tm your Ladylhip'a moil devoted
—Make your Words good, and ril—
Mid. SiLy no more. Sir ; you fhall have it, you fliall
have it.
y. If, Ay, but how, dear Mrs. Midnight f
Mid. Mrs. Midnight ! Is that all ?— VV hy not Mother,
Aunt, Grandmother ? Sir, I have done more for you thij
Moment, than all the Relations you have in the WorlJ.
Y. W. Let me hear it.
Mid. By the Strength of this potent Tnfpiration, I have
made yon a ?ctr o( Eng/and, with fcven thoufand Poundt
a Year.— My Lord, I wi(h you Joy. (Diinks."
Y. IV. The Woman's maJ, I believe.
Mid. Quick, quick, my Lord ! counterfeit a Letter ^
prefentlylrom Germany^ that your brother is kilPd in a
Duel : Let it be dire£led to your Father, and fall into
the Hands of the Steward when you are by.^ What fort
•f Fellow is the Steward ?
Y. IV. Why, a timorous half-honeft Man, that a little
Perfuafion will make a whole Knave— He wants Courage
to be thoroughly jull, or entirely a Villain but ^ood
backing, will make him eitiier.
Mid. And he fhan*t want th:.t f I tell you the Letter
muft come into his Hands when you are by ; upon this
you muft take immediate PoflcfTion, and fu you have the
beft part'of the Law of your fide.
Y.fF. But fuppofc my Brother comes in the mean T imc?
Mid, This mud be done this very Moment : Let him
E 3 comr
26 Tbt Twm Rivals.
come when you're in Pofleffion* I'll warrant we'll find a
way to keep him ouc— «
Y. fy. But howy my dear Contriver ?
Mid, By your Fathes's Will^ Man, your Father's Will
—-That is, one that your Father might have made, and
which we will make for him— -ril fend yon a Nephew
of my own, a Lawyer> that ihali do the fiufinefs ; £0»
get into PofTelCon, PofTeflion^ 1 fay ; let us have but the
EHate to back the Suit, and you'll find the Law t.o
flrong for Juftlce, I warrant you.
Y. ^. My Oracle f How fiiall we revel in Delight
when this great Predi£lion is accomplKhedo-^^-^Bnt one
ihing yet remains, my Brother's Miftrefs, the charming
Conftance — Let her hie mine-
Mid' Pho, phoy {he's vour's o'courfe ; ihe's contrafled
to you ; for (he's engajg'a to marry no Man but my I,.orJ
UWdbis Son and Heir; now yon being the Perfooa^he's
recoverable by Law.
Y. Af". Marry her t No. no, (he's contrafied to him»
'twere In}uflice to rob a Brother of his Wife, an eafier
Favour will fatiffy me.
Mid, Why, truly, as you fay, that Favour is fo eafy,
that I wonder they make fuch a Buftle about it — But get
you gone and mind your Affairs, I mull about mine^— •
Oh^X had foreot—^ Where's that foolvfli Letter yoa had
this MorniDg: from Ricbmore P
y. py I have polled it up in the Cbocolate-hcufe,
Mid. Yaw, (Shrieks) I fhall fall into Fits; hold me—
Y PV. No, no, I did but jeft ; here it is — But be af-
fur*d, Madam, I wanted only Time to have exposed it.
Mid, Ah ! you barbarous Man, why fo ?
Y. 14^\ Becaufe when Knaves of our Sex, and Fools of
yours meet, they make the bell Jell in the World.
Mid. bir, the World Iws better (hare in the Jeft when
we are the Knaves, and you the Fools — But louk'e. Sir,
if ever ynu open your Mouth about this Trick— I'll dis-
cover all your 1 ricks 1 therefore Silence and Safety on
boih Sides.
Y. ^V. Madam, you need not doubt my Silence at
preftnt, becaufe my own Affairs uill employ me fuffi-
ciciuly ; fo there's your Letter. \Qi:Vfi4 the Letter. 1 And
liow to write my own,.
Mid.
ttnt. Adieu, My Lord-*Letme fee? [Optns the Let"
ier sM4f r^aeis.'} If there be Solemnity in Proteftatiom^^-^
That's foolifh, very foolifh-T-Whylhou'd- (he expc^l So-
Icmnicy ifi Prcteftations ? Um, um, urn, I may ftdl dete^d
«r the Faith of my Kichmore-^Ah, poor CJciia /-— -Uni,
urn, urn, / can no longer hide th§ Effe&s on^tfireim the WorU.
——The Effeas on*t ! How moJcftly is that cxpTcfs'd ?
Well, 'tis a pretty Letter, and I'll keep it.
\Pnti the Letter in her Focket^ and Exit,
SCENE, Urdy^o\x'iiU\Houfe.
Enter Ste'ivard and hi$ Wife,
Wife, You are lo blame, yod arc much to blame, Hiif-
band, in being fo fcrupulous.
Utnv. 'Tis irue : Tnis foolilh Gi nfcicnce of mine ha^
been the greated Bar to my Fortune.
^ Wife, And will evtr be fo. Tell me- but one that
drives, and Til (hew you a hundred thitflarve by it —
Do you think 'tis fourfcore Pound a Year makes my I ord
^onty% Steward's Wife live at ihc Rate of four huiidrcd ?
Upon my Word, my Dear, I'm as good a Gentlewom.in
as Ihe, and I expert to be maintain d according y : * I is
Confdence, I warrant, that buys her the Pcint-hcjds,
and Diamond Necklace ? Was it Confcicnce that
bought her the^oe Houfe in Jermain-ftreet f is it Con-
fcience that enables the Steward to buy, when the Lord'
is forced to fell ?
Sunu. But what wou'd you htve me do ?
Wife. Do ! Now's your Time ; that fmall Morfel of
an Eftate your Lord bought lately, a thing not worth
mentioning ; take it towards your Daughter Molly i For*
tion — What's two hundred a Year ? 'twil never be mifs'd.
Strw, 'Tis but a fmall Matter, I mull confefs ; and as
a Reward for my paft faithful Service, 1 think it but rea-
fonable 1 (hould cneat a little now.
Wife. Reafonablc! All the Reafon that can be; if the
ungraceful World won't reward an honeft Man, why let
an lionell Man reward himfe'f There's five hundred
Etninds you received but two Days ago, lay them afide—
you may eafily fink it in the Charge of the Funeral — —
Do my Dear row, kifs me, ard do it.
^//•w. Well, you- have fuch a winning way with '
E+.
TBs TwiH-RJvals. 29
JKfy LcrJf
T Am troubled at ihis unhappy Occafiou &f finding t9 y^ur
Lordjbip ; Jfiur bra<vt 5fl«, and my dear Fritmd, ivas
Tifterday unfortunately kilTd in a Duil by a GernuQ
Count
I (ball love a German Coont as long as I live.— -My
Lord, my Lord« now 1 may call you To, fiucc your el4er
Brother's — dead*
Y. fV. and ffife. How !
Ste-Tu. Read there. {Gives /be Lefter, Vlo^^dhc perujes it.
■ Y. H^» Oh, my Fate ! a Fatner and a Brother in one
Day ! Heavens! 'lis too much— —Where is the fatal
Meflenger ?
Ser, A Gentleman. Sir, who faid he came Poll on
purpofe. He was afraid the Contents of tne Letter wou^d
unqualify my Lod for Company, fo he would take an-
other Time to wait on him.
Y. fF, Nay, then *iis true; and there is Truth in
Dreams. Laft Night 1 dreamt
tf^ife^ Nay, my Lord, I dreamt too; I dreamt 1 faw
your Brother drefs'd in a long Miniller*s Gown, (Lord
blefs us I) with a Book in hib Hand, walking before a
dead Body to the Gra\e.
Y. IV, Well, Mr. Cear-accounty get Mourning reedy.
SteiA), Will your Lordfhip have the old Coach covered,
or a new one made ?
Y. IV, A new one The old Coach, with the Grey
Horfes, I give to Mrs, Clcar-accjutu here; 'tis not fit (he
fhould walk the Streets.
IVifi Heavens blefs the G^nvxaw. Count, I fay, — Eut
my Lord —
Y. IV, No Reply, Madam, you fhall have it, — And
receive it but as the Earnell of my Favours — Mr. Clear^
accounts I double your Salary, and all the Servants Wages, ,
t^ moderate their Grief for our great Lofles Fray,. Sir,
take order a bout thefe AlFairs.
SteiAj, 1 (hall, my Lord. \^Ex€unt Stew, and Wife.
Y. ^. So! 1 have got Pofleffion of the Caftle. and if
I had a little Law to fortify me now, I believe we might
hold it out a great while. Oh ! here comes my Attorney.
—Mr. Subtleman, yourlservant.—
E 5 Enur
3^0 The TxpifhRhali..
Enter Subtleman.
Sub. My Lord, 1 wifli you Joy.; my AYint- A/iV/i^.'
bas fent me to receive your Commands.
Y. W. Has fhe told you- any thing>of the Affair ?
Sub* Not a Word,, my Lord.
Y. ^. Why then come nearer.^*— Can yo«u make a
Man right Heir to an Efhte during the Life of an Eldct
Brother ?
Sub, I thought you bad been the-ddeft.
Y. IV, That we are not yetagrccdupon ;.fi)r you mod:
know, there is an impertinent Fellow that takes a^fancy.
to difpute the Seniority with me— —For look'e. Sir, ay
Mother has unluckily fowM Difcord in the Family, by
bringing forth Twins : My Brother, *tis trut, was Firft-
born ; but I believe, Jrom the bottom of my Heart, I was
the firil begotten.
Sub, I underitand— *— «you are come to an Eftateand
Dignity, that by J u (lice, indeed is your own, bttti>y Law
it falls to your Brother.
Y. JV, I had rather, Mr. SMbtleman^ if were his by-
Juftice, and mine by Law : . for I woa'd have, the firongCR.
Title, Tf poflible.
Sub, 1 am very ferry th^e (hould happen any Breach*
between Brethren :t — So I think it wou*d be buta Chrif-
tian and Charitable A£l to take away all farther Difpates,
by makiBg yon true Heir to the Bftate by the laft Will o£
your Father.-^Lool^'e I'll divide Stakes — you flull yields
the Eiderfhip and Honour to him> and he (hall quit hii
Eftate toyou
Y. W, Why, as you fay, I don't much care if I do
frant him the Eldeft, -half an Hour is but a Tqfle : fiuts
owfhall we do about his Will?' Who (hall we getta
prove it ?•
Sub. Never trouble yourfelf for that: I exjpefl a Car-
goe of WitneiSMand Urquebaugh by the firft fair Wind.
Y. Pr. But we can't flay for tnem ;,it mud be done iiQ^
mediately.
Sub* Well, well ; we'll find fome body> I warrant jon^.
to make Oath of his laft Words.
y^«r. That's impoffible; for my Father died of- an
Apoplexy, and did not fpeak at alL
Sui*
^ TSt Twln-Kivali. ji*
Suh. That'a nothing, Sir : He*s not the firll dead Man
that I have made to fpeak.
Y. fV. You're a great Matter of Speech, I don*t ^nef-
tion. Sir; and I can afTureyou there will be ten Guineas
for every Word you extort from him in my Favour.
Sub. O, Sir, that's enough to make your Great Grand*
father fpealc.
Y. M^. Come then, I'll carry you to my Steward ; he
Ihall give you the Names ot the Manors, and the true
Titles and Denominations of the Eftate, and then you
ikall go to Work. lExeunt.
SCENE ebanits to the Pork.
Richmore und Trueman meetifrf.
Riib, O brave Cuz ! you're \tty happy with the Fair,
rftfid. Pray, which of thefe two Ladies you encountered
juft now has your Adoration ?
TrM. She that commands by forbidding it: And (ince
L'had Courage to dechre to herfelf, 1 dare now own it to
the World,, ^ureHa^ Sir, js mjr AngcK
Rich. Ha \\^A long Fau/e,] Sir, 1 find you're of every
Body's Religion ; but methinks you make a bold Flight
at firft : Do you think your Captain's Pay will ftake againft
fo high a Garaeflerf
True, Whatdo you mean ?
i?/Vir. Mean! Blefs me. Sir, mean !— You're a Man of
mighty Honour, we all know But I'll tell you a Se-
cret.— *^— The Thing is public already.
True. I fliou'd be proud that all Mankind were ac*
quainted with it 4 I (hould defpife the Paffioa that could
make me either afbamed, or afraid to own it.
Rtcb, Ha, ha, ha I Prithee, dearCaptaia, no more of
thefe Rhcdomontados ; you may as foon put a Standing*
army upon us. — I'll tell you another Secret— Five hun-
drea Pound is the lead P^nny.
True Nay, to my Knowledge, Ihe has fifteen hundreds
Rich. Nay, to my Knowledge, (he took five.
True. Took five 1 How ! Where ?
Kich. In her Lap, in her Lap, Captain ; where ihou'd
it be?
True. I'm amaz'd !
J^tch. So am I, that ihe coa'dbcfo unrcafonable — -
Fifteen
^2i The Twin-Rivah.
Fifteen hundred Pound ! 'Sdeath I had fte that Price
from you ?
True, 'Sdeath, I meant her Portion.
Rich. Why, what have you to do with her Portion ?•
7nu. I lov'd her up to Marriage,, by this Light.
Ric/f. Marriage ! Ha, ha,, ha; I love the Gipfy for
her Cunning — A young, eafy, amorous, credulous Fel-
low of two and twenty, was juft the Game (lie wanted;;
I find (heprefently ilngled you our from the Herd.
Trui, You cillrafl me !
RicL A Soldier too, that mud follow the War& ahroadi
and leave her to Engagements at home.
True, Death and Furies ! I'll be reveng'd;
Rich. Why ?. What can you.do ? You'll, challenge her,,
will you ^
True, Her Reputation was^ fpotlefs when I went oven
Rich, So was the Reputation of Marefchal Bouffiers ; bot
d'ye think, that, while you were beating the French^
abroad, that we were idle at home ? — No,, no, we ha?e
had our Sieges, our Capitulations, and Surrenders, asd^
all that. ■ We have cut ourfelvcs out good Winter-
Quarters, as- well as you.
Truei And are you billietted there ?
Rich, Look'e, Trueman^ you ought, to be very trufty
to a Secret, that has fav'd you from Deftrudiion.- lo
plain terms^, I have buried Five hundred Pounds ip that
fiitle Spot^ and Ifhould think it ytx-^ hard, if you took,
it over my Headi
True^ Not by a Leafe for Life, I can alTure you : fiati
rihall
Rich, What ! you Ra'n't £tye hundred Pounds to give..
Look'e,. fince you can make no Sport, fpoil none. -In a.
Year or two (he dwindles to a perfeft Baffet.bank ; every
body may play at it that pleafes, and then, you may pott
in for a Piece or twoa
True, Dear Sir, I cou'd worfhip you for thisv
Rich. Not for. this,. Nephew ! for I did not intend itj
but I came to feek you upon another Affair.— Were- not
you at Court laft Night ?
True, I was.
Rich. Did you not talk to CUlia^ my Lady Tafti^t^
Niece \
Trut.
^be Twin-Rivali. gj.
True. A fine Woman f
Hicb, Well; I met her upon the Stairs; and hand*
ing her to her Coach, (he afked me, if yoa were not my
Nephew ?- And (aid two or three warm things, that per-
fuade me (he likes you : Her Relations have Interell at
Coarty and (he has Money in her Pocket,
True, But— this Devil Aurelia ftill ftlcks with me.
Rich, What then I The Way to love in one Place with
with Succefs, is to marry in another with Convenience.
Cle/ia ha» Four thoufard Pound ; this applied to your
reigning Ambition, whether Love or Advancement, will
go a creat way : And for her Virtue, and Condud, be
-aiTur^d that. nobody, can give a better Account of it than
myfelf.
Trtte* I am willing tp believe from this late Accident,
tbat you confult my Honour and Interefl in what you
propofe; and therefore I am fatisfied to be governed.
Rich, I fee the very Lady in the Walk. — We'll about it;
True, •! wait.on you. [^Exeunt.
SCENE changes tlTLord Wou'dbe's Houfe.
2^. Wou'dbe, Subtleman, and Steward.
Y. W. Well,. Mr. Suhtleman, you are fure the Will is
firm and good in Law.
Sui, 1 warrant you, my Lord : And for the laft Words
to prove it, here they are. — Look'e Mr. Ctear'account-^
Yes— that is an Anfwer to the Queftion that was put to
him, (you know) by thofe about him when he was a
dy'ng — Yes, or No, he muft have faid ; fo we have
choien Yes- ■ ? >/, / bavf made my JVill^ as // may he
found in ibe Cujlody of Mr, Clear-account my Ste'wardi
and 1 defer e it may ft and as my Laft Will and Teftament.-^^
I>id you ever hear a dying Man's Words n\ore to the
Purpofe ? An Apoplexy ! I tell you,, my Lord had Inte)r-
valsto thelaff,.
Stew. Ay, but how fliall thefe Words, be proy'd ?
Suh My Lord fhall fpeak 'em now.
Y.jy, Shall he, faith!
Sub, Ay, now if the Corps ben't bury'd— Look'e,
Sir, the{e Words muH be put into his Mouth, and drawn
out again before us all : And if they won't be his laft
W>Qrd5 then— —I'll be perjur'd..
34^ Tbe Twin-Rivals..
Y. W. What ! violate the Dead I it mnft not be Mr.
SuhtlenuM.
Sub. With all my Heart, Sir ! But I think yon bad
better violate the Dead of a Tooth or fo, than violate.
the Living of feven Thouiand Pound a Year.
Y. fV. But is there no other way ?
Sub. No, Sir: Why, d'ye think Mr. C/iar'Secommt bere
will hazard Soul and Bodv to fwear they are his laft
Words, unlefs they be made his laft Words ? For my
Part, Sir, 1*11 fwear to nothing but what.I fee with ray.
Eyes come out of a Man's Mouth.
Y. fF, But it looks fo unnatural.
Sub. What 1 to open a Man*s Mouth, atid pat in • bit
of Paper !•— this Is all. .
Y. ^. But the Body is cold, and his Teeth cnn*t b«
got afunder.
Sub. But what Oecafion has your Father for Teeth
now ? I tell you what; 1 knew a Gentleman, three
Days buried, taken out of his Grave, and his dead Hand
fet to his Lafl Will, (unlefs fomebody made bim fien
another afterwards) and 1 know the Eflate to be held by
that Tenure to this Day : And a firm Tenure it is ; for
a dead Hand holds fafteft; and let. me tell yon, dead
Teeth will faften as hard.
Y. IT. Well, well, nfe your Pleafure, you underftand
the Law bed.- — [Exit. Subtleman anJ Steward ]»
What a mighty Confuiion ih brought in Families by fud-
den Death ? Men fhould do well to fettle their Affairs
in Time — Had my Father done this before he was takeo.
ill, what a trouble had he fav*d us ? But. he was taken'
fuddenly, poor Man !
Re-enter Subtleman.
Sub. Your Father ftill bears you tht old Grudge, I'
find ! it was with much (Iruggling he confented ; I nertr-
knew a Man fo loth to fpeak in my Life.
Y. fF. He was always a Man of few Words.
Sub. Now I may fafely bear Witnefs mvfelf, as the
Scrivener there prefent- v ■■ i love to do Things with •<
dear Confcience. ISiib/cribit.,
Y. W But the Law requires three Witnefles.
Suh, Q I 1 (hall pick a Couple more, that perhaps mwf
tifrmy Word for't :*-— »Biu is sot Mr. CUMr^^c^uia in.
your lotereft ?
y. IT. I hope To*
SuL Then he fliall be one; a Witoefs in die Pamily
goes a great ivav^l Be&des^ thefe foreign £?ideocci are
Hen confoundedlx fmce the Wars. Ihope» if mine efcape
the Privateers, to make an hundred PaaDd an Ear of
Kvexy Head of 'em — But the Steward is an-honaft Man,
and ihall iave you the Charges. \Exit4
Y. W. So/us.], The Pride of Birth, the IFeats of Ap-
netite* and Fear of Want, are (Irong Temptations (o In-
jufficc.— -But why InjuBice ?^The World hath broke all
Civilities with me, and left me in the cldeft State of Na-
ture, Wild, where Force, or Cunning firft created Right;.
1 cannot fay I ever knew a Father : 'Tis true, I was
begotten in his Life- time, but I was pofthumous bom,.
and liv'd not till he died — My Hours, indeed, I numbered, ,
fetut ne'er enjoy 'd 'em, 'liH this Moment. — My Brother!
what is Brother ? We are all fo ; and the firft two were
Eaemies.— > — He ftands before me in the Road of Life to •
rob me of my Peafures. — My Senfes, form'd by Nature .
for Delight, are all alarm'd. My Sight, my Hearing,
Tafle and Touch, call loudly on me h)r their Objedb,..
and they ihall be fatisfied. Exi^»
7 he End of the fecond ACT.
ACT III.
SCENE, a Levee.
Xumg Wott'dbe drejjing^ and /e<veral Gentlemen mobi/fef'
ing^ him hy, turns*
Y. ^.QUrel^ thfe greateft Ornament of Quality is a;
^ clean and a numerous Levee ; fuch a Croud of
Attendants for the cheap Reward of Words and Promifes,
diflingniihes the. Nobility from, thofe that pay Wiiges to
their Servants. [A Gentleman nvhi/pers.
Sr, I fhall {peak to the Commiffioners, and nfe all my
Imereftt I caaaifare you, Sir« [An9ther whi/pers.,
Sir..
36 The Twin-Rivats.
Sir, I (hall meet ibme of your Board this Evening ; let mr
fee you to-morrow. [/4 Third fwhi/pers^
Sir, ril confider of it. That Fellow's Breath (links of
Tobacco. \^^Jide,\ O, Mr. Comick, your Servant.
Com. My Lord, I wi(h you Joy; I have fomeihingto
Ihew your Lord(hip.
y. W. What is it, pray, Sir?
Com, I have an Elejgy u,pon the dead Lord, and a Pa-
negyric upon the living one; In utrumque paratus^ tSkj
Lord.
Y. W. Ha, ha, very pretty, Mr. Cc«/r^.— But, prayi
Mr. Coftiick^ why don't you write Plays ? it wou'd give
one an Opportunity of fervin^ you. '
Com, My Lord, I have writ one.
Y. W. Was iteveraacd?
, Com, No, My Lord; but it has been a rehear(ing
thefe three Years and a half.
Y. PF, A long Time. There muft be a great deal of
Bufinefs in it furely.
Com, No, my Lo'd, none at all — T have another Play
juft finifh'd, but that I want a Plot for't,^
Y. IF, A Plot ! you (hould read the liaJian and S^pawp
Plays, Mr. Comtek. — 1 like your Verfes here mightily—
Here, Mr. Clear-account.
Com, Now for five Guineas at leaft. [ 4fide.
Y. IV. Here, give Mr. Comtek^ give him give him
the Spattfjh Play that lies in the Clofet Window.———
Captain, can 1 do you any Service ?
Cap. Pray, my Lord, ufe your Intereft with the Gencr
ral for that vacant CommifTion : I hope, my Lord, the
Blood I have alrealy loH, may intitle me to (pill the Re-
mainder in my Country's Cauf^.
Y. W, All the reafon in the World— Captain,, yoo may
depend upon me for all the Service I can.
Gen, I hope your Lord (hip won't forget to (peak to the
General about that vacant Commiffion : altW I have
never made a Campaign ; yet, my Lord, my Intereft in
the Country can raife me Men, which, I think, (hould
prefer me to that Gentleman, ^hofe bloody Dii^ofition
frightens the poor People from lifting.
Y. IV, All the reafon in the World, Sir ; you may de-
pend upon me for all the Service in my Power.— Captain,
L'U.
The TwinRivalf. 37
1*11 do your Bufinefs foryoa — Sir, I'll fpeale to the Gene-
ral, I (hall fee him at the Houfe^ [To the GentUmett,
Enter a Citizen.
Oh, Mr. jfUfrman^-^^^yoJOiT Servant Gcntlenu-n all,
I beg YOur pardon. [ ftxeunt Levee.
Mr. /iliiirmanf have you any Service- to conim'ind roc ?
J/d. Your Lordlhip's humble Servant. 1 have a Fa-
vour to beg : You muft know, I have a gracelefs Son, a
Fellow that drinks and fwears eternally, keeps a Whore
in every corner of the Town ; in Ihort. he*s fit for no
kind of thing but a Soldier — I'm fo tirM of him, that I
intend to throw him into the Army, let the Fellow be
ruin'd, if he will.
Y. IF. I commend your paternal Care, Sir ? — can I do
yott any Service in this A flair i
Ad, Yes, my Lord : There is a vacant Company in
Cofonel What d'yecah'm^s Regiment, and if your Lord-
ihip would but fpeak to the General
y . IV. Has your Son ever fcrv'd ?
Aid. ServM ! yes, my Lord, he's an Enlign in the
Train-bands now.
Y. W. Has he ever fignaliz'd his Courage ?
Aid. Often, often, my Lord ; but one Day particular,
you muft know, his Captain was fo bufy fhippine ofFa»
Cargo of Cheefe, that he left my Son to command in his
Place — ^Would you believe it, my Lord, he charg'd up
Cbeapfide in the Front of the Buff Coats, with fuch Bravery
and Courage, that I could not forbear wilhing in the
Lo)^lty ofmy Heart, for ten thoufand fuch Officers upon
the Rhine, — Ah ! my Lord, we muft employ fuch Fel-
lows as he, or we (hall never humble the French King-
Now, my Lord, if you cou'd find a convenient Time to •
h*nt thcfe Things to the General
Y. fF. All the reafon in the World, Mr. Alderman. I'll
do you all the Service I can
Afd, You may tell hitn, he's a Man of Courage, fit
for the Service; and then he loves Hardftiip — He flecps
every other Night in the Round-hou/e,
Y. fV, 1*11 do you all the Service I can.
Aid, Then, my Lord, he falutes with his Pike (6 very
handfomely, it went to his Miftrefs's Heart t'other Day
«-and he beats a Drum like an Angel.
X.W.
3^ Itik TwifhjRJmls.
y. IT. I'll do you all the Service I can-
[Nat takinjf the leaft Notice of the Alderman «// /^^
nubile f put drejjing him/elf in the Gla/s,
AIL But^ my Lord, the harry of yonr Lordfbip'^
AfFairs may put my Suianefs out of your Head ; thereforf/
my Lordy Til prefume to leave you fome Memoraudum^
Y. iV. I'll do you all the Service 1 can-
[Not mivdtng hint*
AU* Pray, my Lord, [Pulling him^ by the Sle(n)e!\ ^it
me leave for a Memorandum / my Glove, I fuppofe, will
do : Here, my Lord, pray remember me.— —
[Lays his Glove upon the Tahle, and Exit*
Y. PT\ ril do you all the Service I can— What, iifci
gone ? *Tis the moft jrudc familiar Fellow — Fauch, what
a greafy Gauntlet is here — [A Pur/e drofs ouT c/theGf9ve.[
Oh I No, the Glove is a clean well-made Glove, anc
the Owner of it the moft refpedful Perfon I have fttt
this Morning, he knows what Diilance [Chinking th
Pur/e] is due to a Man of Quality, — but what muft 1 d<
■for this ? Fri/ure [TcMs Valet y} ^o you remember whi
the Aldermen faid to me ?
Prif. No, my Lord, I thought your Lord (hip had.
Y. iF, This Blockhead thinks a Man of Qpality ca
mind what People >2ijr— when they do fomething, *i
another cafe. Here, call him back. [Exiu Frilare.
he tilk'd fomething of the General, and his Son» an
Trida*bands, 1 know not what Stuff.
Re-enter Aid. and Frifure.
Oh, Mr. Alderman, I have put your Meaiorandtm in n
Pocket.
Aldi O, my Lord, you do me too much Honour.
Y../^, But, Mr- Alderman, the Buiinefs you we
talking of, it fhall be done ; but if yon gave a (nort No
of it to my Secretary, it would not be amifs — but, M
Alderman, hadn't you the Fellow to this Glove, it i
me mighty well, [Putting on the Glo*vt.'\ it looks fo lil
a Challenge to give a Man an odd Glove— and I woo
have nothing that looks like Enmity between you and
Mr. AldermaUk
Aid. Truly my Lord, I intended the other Glove 1
a Memorandum to the Colonel, but fmce your Lordih
has a Mind to't [Gives the GIo^
Y.i
Tie Tufifu Rivals. 39
^« W, Here, Fri/mrf, hud this Gentleman to my Se*
UCU7^ and bid him take a Noieof hi^ Budnefs.
^^d But, my Lord» 4^«'/ do me all the Stgrvice yoa
can DOW.
Y. IF. ^ Well, I woM^t do you all the Service I can— —
tk6 Citizens have a Grange Capacity of foliciting fome-*
times. lEjeit. Aid.
£«//r Steward.
S/tm;. My Lord, here are your Taylor, your Vintner,
year Book feller, and half a dozen more with their Bills
It the Door, and they defire their Money.
Y.fF, TclPem, Mr. Clear accounts that when I was
a private Gentleman, I had nothing eife to do but to
van in Debt, and now that I have got into a higher
Rank, Tm fo very bufy I can't piv it as for th<>t
dampnrous Rogue of a Taylor, (peak him fair, till he
has made up my Liveries ^thea about a Year and a
Half hence I Hull be at leifure to pat him off for a Year
and a Half longer.
Ste<w. My Lord, there's a Gentleman below calls him-
felf Mr. Baffei^ he fays ihat your Lordihip owes him
fifty Guineas that be won of yon at Cards.
Y. IV, Look'e, Sir the Gentleman's Money is a
Debt of Honour, and muft be paid immedtately.
&#u*. Your Father thought otherwife, my Lord, he al-
ways took care to have the poor Tradefmen fatisfied,
whofe only Subfiftence lay in the ufe of their Money, and.
was ufed to fay, That nothing was honourable but what
was hon«ft.
Y. IV. My Father might fay what be pleas'd, he was a
Nob'eoiaA of very finguUr Humours — but in my Notion,
there are not two things in Nature more different than Ho-
nour and Honelly — now yourHooedy is a little Mechanic
Quail' y, well enough among Citizxi.s, People that do no-
thing but pitiful mean Adions according to Law but.
your Honour flies a much higher Pitchy and will do any
thing that's free and fpontaneous» but fcorns.to level itr
bXi to what is on'y jud.
Stiijo. But 1 think it is a little hard to have thefe poor
people ftaive for want of their Money, and yet pay this
iharping Rafcal fifty Guineas.
Y. W. Sharping Rafcal! What a Barhariftn that is?
Why
40 The Twin^Rivals.
Why he wears as good Wigs, as fine Linen, and
as good Company as any at fVhiteh ; and betweei
and I, Sir, this fharping Rafcai, as you are plcai
call him, fhall make more Intereil among the N(
with his Cards and Counters, than a Soldier fhall
hb Sword and Piftol. Pray let him have fifty G
immediately.
SCENE the Street ; Eider Wou'dbe <writiftg in a 1
Book, in a Riding- Habit.
E. W. Monday />&<' xi^th of December, 1772,
ri*ved/afe in London, and/a concluding my Tra^veh^
[^Putting up his
Now welcome Country, Father, Friends,
My Brother too, (if Brothers can be Friends :)
But above all, mv charming Fair, my Confianct.
Through all the Mazes of my wand'ring Steps,
Through all the various Climes that I have run ;
Her Love has been the Loadilone of my Courfe»
Her Eyes the Stars that pointed me the NVay.
Had net her Charmk my Heart entire poiTe/s'd,
Who knows what Circe* h artful Voice and Look
Might have enfnar'd my travelling Youth,
And fixt me to Enchantment ?
Enttr Tcaguc with a Port-Manteau, He throws it
and Jits on ii.
Here com^s my Fdilow Traveller, What makes )
upon the Port-Man teau, Teague! you'll rumple the T
Ti. Be me Sboule, Maiihter, I did carry the
Mantel till it tir'd me ; and now the Port-Mante
carry me till I tire him.
E /f^. And how dy*e like London ^ Toague, zfu
Travels ?
TV. Fct, dear Joy, 'tis the braved P'aafe I have
in my Peregrinations, exihepting my own brave Sh
Carick ytrgus^^-^Vfy uf, dere iih a very fVaerant S
hereab($uts — Mai(hter, (hall 1 run tothatPaimtery-<
for fliix Pennyworths of boiPd Eeeff
E. fr. 7 ho' this Fellow travell'd the World ove
would never lofe his Brogue nor his Stomach.— Wh]
Cormorant ! (a hungry and (6 early I
7
The Twin- Rivals. 41
^^^ kJ 7/. Early ! Deel tauke me Maifliter, 'tifli a great deal
^1 fiorethan almofi pafht Twelve o'clock.
^^f:# £.^. Thou art never happ/ unlefs thy Guts be ftuft
joisjp^to thy Eyes.
ft. Cm Maifliter, dere ifli a dam way of Dillance,
led (Be deel a bit betweea.
iMtiT'TcMng WouMbe in « Cb/iir^ luitb four or Jive Foot*
men before />//», and pnjfes over tbe St' ge,
E.fT. Heyday? — who comes here ? With one, two,
ikte, foor, five Footmen ! Some young Fellow jult
rafting the fweet Vanity of Fortune.— Run, Teagu\ in-
quire »ho tbatis.
fV. Yes, Maifh'er. [Runs to dm of tbe Footmen,^ Sir,
willyoa give my humble Shervice to your Maiftiter, and
tdl him to fend me Word fat Naam iQi upon him ?
foot. You wou'd know fat Naam ifli upon him ?
Te. Yelh, fet wou'd f.
Foot. Why, what are you, Sir?
7>. Be me Shoul, I am a Shentleman bred and born,
and dere ifh my Maiihter.
Ft>ot. Then your Mailer would know it ?
7>. Arab, you Fool, iPnt that not the faam ting ?
Foot. Then telhourMaftei *tis the young Lord //'6«Vi%
^ jofl come to his E^ate by (he Death of his Father and
elder Brother. [Exit Footman.
E. W. What do I hear ?
Te, You hear that you are dead, Maifliter ; fere vil you
pleafe to be buried ?
E. ^. But art thou fure it was my Brother ?
7>, Be me Shoul it was him nown kU *^ I know'd him
very well, after his Man told me.
E. IV, The Bufinefs requires that I be convinc'd with
ay own Eyes ; Til follow him, and know the Bottom
on't Stay here till I return.
Te, Dear Maifliter, have a care upon your flielf : Now
th^ know you are dead, by my flioul they may kill you.
E. W, Don't fear; none of his Servants know me,
and ril take care to keep my Face from his Sight. It
concerns me to conceal myfelf, till I know the Engines
of this Contrivance. — Be fure you flay till I come to you ;
and let nobody know whom you belong to. [ Exit,
2 Te.
i
44 518^^ Tivin- Rivals.
Te, Oh, ho, hon, poor Teagut is left alone.
[6"/// on the Pori-Manii
Enter Subtlcman and Steward.
Sub. And you won*t fweiar to the Will.
Strw^ My Confcience tells me I dare not <lo it \
Safety.
Suit But if we make it lawful, what fhould we ft
We now think nothing againd Confcience, 'till the C
be thrown put of Court.
Stenv, In you, Sir, 'tis no Sin, becaufe 'tis the P
ciple of your Profeflion : But in me. Sir, 'tis downr
Perjury indeed. — You can't want Witnefles enough, i
Money won't be wanting — and you muft lofe no Ti
for T heard juit now, that the true Lord Woi^dbe was
in Town, or his Ghoft.
Sub, It was his Gho(^, to be fure^ for a Noble
without an Eftate is but the Shadow of a Lord— >^
take no Care : Leave me to myfelf ; I'm near the Fr
and ten to one thall pick up an Evidence.
Stenu, Speed you well. Sir. [i
Sub, There's a Fellow that has Hunger and the '
lows pi£lurM in his Face, and looks like one for my
pofe. How now, honeil Friend, what have yo«
iinder you there ?
^e. Noting, dear Joy.
Suh, Nothing! Is it not a Fort^Manteau ?
ir^. 1 hat is noting to you.
Sub. The Fellow's a Wir.
TV. Fat am II My Grandfather was an Irifij Pc
He dii write a great Book of Verfes concerning the
laetween St. Fotrick and the Wolf-Dogs.
Sub. Then thou art poor, I'm afraid ?
7>. Be me Shoul, my fole Generation ifli fo— I
noting but thifh Port Manteau, and dat it Ihelf ifl
my own.
S^b. Why, who does it belong to ?
TV. To my Maifhter, dear Joy.
Sub, Then you have a M after ?
^e. Fait I have, but he's dead. *
Sub. Right ! — And how do you intend to livi ?
TV. By eating, dear Jov, fen I can get it, and by f
ing fen lean get noae^'Tiih the Fafluon of Irtlam
ne Twin-Rivals. 43
Siii> What was your Mailer's Name, pray ?
Te. [JjUi.] I will tell a Lee now; bdt it (hnll be a
ttvfiOoe.'^Mac/aJin, dear Joy, was his Num. He vent
«rcr vith King Jam^fi into Frtfsrf^— He was my Maifliter
<&ice>— Deere ilh de true Lee; noo. [JJuif.
SiA. What Employment had he?
Ti, Jtnt/^aypas,
Sub, What, can you fpeak French ?
Ti, Ouy^ Monfieur^ — I did travel France and Sfmn^ and
JS^^jjp,— Dear Joy, I did kifli the Pope's Toe, and that
will excufe me all the Sins of my Life ^ and fen I am
4cd, St. Patrick will excufe the reft.
Smb. A rare Fellow for my Purpofe. i^/uli.'] Thou
look'ft like an honeft Fellow ; and if 3rou*ll go with me
to the next Tavern, Vll give thee a Dinner and a Glafs
of Wine.
TV. Be me Shoul 'tis dat I wanted, dear Joy ; come
along, I will follow you.
\Run$ out before Subtleman *witb the Port-Manteau on hie
Back, Exit Subtleman.
Enttr EUer Wou'dbe.
%.W. My Father dead? my Birthright loft! How
have my drowfy Stars flept over my Fortune? Ha!
\Lopking abeut"] My Servant gone ! The fimple, poor,
ungrateful Wretch has Iclt me — I took him up from Po-
veity and Want; and now he leaves me juft as I found
liim. — My Cloaths and Money too ? — But why ftiould I
repine? Let Man but view the Dangers he Jias paft, and
few will fear what Hazards are to come. That Provi-
dence that hasiecurM my Life from Robbers, Shipwreclcy
and from Sicknefs, is ftiil the fame; ftill kind whilft I am
juft«-~My Death, I find, is firmly believ'd ; but how it
gained fo univerfal Credit, I fain would learn Who
comes here ?— honeft Mr. Fairhank I My Father's Gold-
fmith, a Man of Subftance and Integrity. The Altera-
tion of five Years Abfence, with the Report of m)r Death,
may ihade me from his Knowledge, till I enquire fome
News. (Enter Fairbank.) Sir, your humble Servant.
Fair. Sir, I don't know you. [Shunning him,
E.fT. 1 intend vou no Harm, Sirs but feeing you
come from my Lord Weu^dbeh Houfe, I would aik you a
Queftion or two— *«-Pray what Piftemper did my Lord
die of? F-a/>«
44 ^^^ ^win-Rivals.
Fair, I am told it was an Apoplexy,
E W, And pray, Sir, what does the World fay? J^
Ins Death lamented I
Fair, Lamented! My Eyes that Qucftion ihould r^-
folve : Friend. Thou knew 'ft him not; elfe thy ov^it
Heart had anfvver'd thee.
E W. His Grief, methinks, chides my Defe6l of
Filial Duty. (y^Jide.) But I hope, Sir^ his Lofs is part*!
recompensed in the Merits of his Succeffor.
Fair. It might have been; but his eldeft Son, Heir to
his Virtue and his Honour, was lately and unfortunately
killed in Gefmsnv.
E. py. How unfortunately, Sir?
F'air, Unfortunately for him, and us.-^I do remember
him — He was the mildeft, humbleft, fweetcft Youth.
E. W. Happy indeed had been my Part in Life, if I
had left this human Stage, whilft this (6 fpotlefs, and fo
fair Applaufe, had crown'd my going off. (AJide,) Well,
Sir.
Fair, But thofe that faw him in his Travels, told fuch
Wonders of his Improvement, that the Report recalPd
his Father's Years ; and with the Joy to hear his Hermi
prais'd, he oft would break the Chains of Gout and Age ;
and leaping up with Strength oi" greeneft Youth, cry,
My Hermes is my/elf: Methinks I li^ve my fprigbiJy Dayt
again y and J am young in him.
E. W„ Spite of all Modefty, a Man muft own a Plea-
fure in the hearing of his Praife. \^^Jiili»
Fair. You're thoughtful, Sir — Had you any Relation
to the Family we talk of?
E. fV, None, Sir, beyond my private Concern in the
public Lofs — But pray. Sir, what Charadler does the
prefent I ord bear ?
Fair, Your Pardon, Sir. As for the Dead, their Me-
mories are left unregarded, and Tongues may touch them
freely : But for the Living, they have provided for the
Safety of their Names by a llrong Incloiure of ihe Law.
1'here's a Thing calPd Scandalum Magnatum^ Sir.
E. PP", I commend your Caution, Sir; but be aflcir'd
I intend not to entrap you— I am a poor Gentleman, and
having heard much of the Charity of the old Lord
H'cu^dbe^ I had a Mind to apply to his Son, and there*
fore enquired his Chaia£ter« Fwr.
The Twin-Rivals. 4^
/■«>, Alas! Sir, Things arc chang'd : That Houfc
«'«oncc what Poverty might go a Pilgrimage to fcek,
and Bave its Pains rewarded-^l'he noble Lord, the truly
noble Lord, held his Kilace, his Honoar, and his Houfe^
«aif they were only lent upon the Intcrell of doing good
toothers. He kept a Porter, not to exclude, but fcrve
the Poor. No Creditor was feen to guard his going out,
or watch his coming in : No craving fiyes, but Looks of
imfiine Gratitude. — But now, that Family, which, like
a Garden fairly kept, invited every Stranger to its Fruit
liid Shade, is now run o'er with Weeds: — Nothing but
Wine and Revelling within, a Croud of iioily Creditors
without, a Train of Servants infolently prc;.i— -Wou'd
you believe it. Sir, as I ofFer'd to go in juil now, the rude
Porter pufli'd me back with his StaiF— 1 am at tnis prefent
(thanks to Providence and my Indullry) worth twenty
thoufand Pounds. I pay the fifth Part of this to main-
tain the Liberty of the Nation ; and yet this Slave, this
impudent 5<ii;^ Slave, ofFer'd to flrikc mc.
E. IV, 'Twas hard, Sir, very hard : — And if they ufcd
a Man of your Subilance fo roughly, hew wiil they
manage me, that am not worth a Groat?
Fair. I wouM not willingly defraud your Hopes of
what may happen.— —If you can drink ana /wear,
perhaps
E. /^. I ihall not pay that Price - for hi;, LorJfnip's
Bounty, wou'd it extend to half ht*6 worth. — Sir, 1 give
you thanks for your Caution, and fhali i^.ccr anotixr
Courfe.
Fair, Sir, you look like an honeft, modell Gentleman.
Come home with me ; I am as able to give you a Dinner
if my Lord; and you Hiall be very welcome to eat at my
Table every Day, till you are better provided.
E. iV. Good Man. [A/tdi.'] Sir, 1 muft beg you to cx-
cufe me To-day ; but 1 fhall find a Time to accept of
your Favours, or at leafl to thank you for 'em.
Fmr. Sir, you fhall be very welcome whenever you
pleafe. \Exit,
E. fV, Gramercy, Citizen ! Surely, if Judice were an
Herald, fhe would give this Tradefman a nobler Coat of
Arms than my Brother.~But I delay : (Jong to vindicate
the Honour of my Station, and to difplace this bold
Vox.. 11. F Ufur^cr:
46 2l&tf Twin- Rivals.
Ufurper: — But one Concern, methinks, is nearer f^ll^
my Conftance! Should (he upon the Rumour of my Death
have fix'd her Heart elfe where— then I were dead indeed j
but if (he dill prove true, — Brother, (it faft :
TUJhake your Strength^ all Obflades remo'Vi^
Sujlaind by Jvftice^ and hifpir^d by Love* [ExiU
SCENE, an apartment, Conftance, Aurelia*
Con, For Heav'n's fake, Cou(in, cea(e your imperti-.
nent Confolations : It but makes me angry, and rai(es
two Pa(rions in me inftead of one. You fee I commit no
Extravagance, my Grief is filent enough ; my Tears
make no Noife todillurb any body. I de(ire no Compa-
nion in my Sorrows; leave me to myfelf, and you com-
fort me.
Jur, But, Coufin, have you no regard to your Repu-
tation ? this immoderate Concern for a young Fellow.
What will the World fay ? You lament him like a Huf-
band.— — -
Con. No ; you miftake : I have no Rule nor Method
for my Gri. f ; no Pomp of black and darkened Rooms }
no formal Month for Vifits on my Red. I am content
with 'the (light Mourning of a broken Heart ; and all
my Form is Tears.
Enter Midnight.
J^UJ, Madam Aurclia, Madam, don't difturb her.~
Every thing mull have its vent. 'Tis a hard Cafe to be
crofi'd in one's firrt Love. — But you (hould confider, Ma-
dam, (To Conftance.) that we are all born to die, feme
young, foHfie old.
Con. Better we all died young, than to be plagu'd
with Age, as I am. I (ind other Folks Years are as
trcublefome to us as our own.
Mid, You have Rcafon, you have Caufe to mourn.
He was the handfomeft Man, and the fweeteft Babe,
that 1 know ; the' I mull confefs too, that Ben had much
the finer Completion when he was born : But then Herme:^
yes Hermes y had the Shape, that he had But of all the
infants that I ever beheld with my Eyes, I think Bin had
the (ineft Ear, Wax- work, perfedl Wax-work ; and thea
he did fo fputter at the Breaft ! — His Nurfe was a hale,
,3 well-
I
/
Tte Twln-Rivzls. 47
well-cofflpleAioned, rprigbt!y Uis, as crer I u.v : bu:
herMiJk was a little too iU!e, tho* it ihc lime time
'(was as blue and clear as a Cambrick.
^ Jur, Do you intend all tr.if, Maiisi, for a Ccnfola-
tion to my Loofin :
Mid, No, no, Madari, that's to come. 1 tell
yoo, fair Lady, yoa have onlr Icil the M^n ; the E:Ute
aod Title are I'till your own; ari zhis very Mozient I
wou'd falute you Lady //VaV.-r, ir" von pleas *d.
C#jr. Dear Madam, your Propofil is very icmptirjr,
let me butconfider till to morrou*, and 1 11 ^ive \ou an
Anhrtt.
MU. 1 knew it, I knew it ; I faiJ, when you were
born, you wou'd be a Lady ; I knew it. To-morrow,
you (ay. My Lord (hall knou i: immeJiatciy. [*.v;/.
^ur. What d'ye intci J lo cio, Couf::! ?
Cg». To go into the Coun:ry this Aiomc-t^ to be troe
from the Impertinence of Cond >Iencc, !\c :'v::";?ci::iv">n of
that Monilcr of a Man, ar.d th;.t Devi! .-rf .i W c:v.-p. —
O, Aurelia^ 1 long to be aloric, 1 sim . ;. :r.;" u 1 .m of
Grief, that I would fly where I ini.i.i. c: j 'v it all, and
have no Interrupti n in my darling ^c^i•"^v.
EnUr Elan' Wou'dbc uf/er:: ■ -J,
E. W, In Tears! perhaps for mc ! T.. . :v
[ Drops a FL'.^h re, ti K.i ^0:S t\. :.': ; . ; .\' £ ,;. ■ . ; : i\*,
/iftJ ti/itKS.
Aur. If there be au^'.u in Giicf (.lirijohMul, o'oa'c
grudge me a fliaie.
Con, No, my dcir Au^cUa. Til engross it all. I IcvM
bim fo, mcthinks I fhould be jealous if any mourned his
Death befides myfelf. What's here I [^'takcs up tbe I'ic-
/nrf.] Ha I fee Coufinl — 'he very Face and Features of
the Man ! Sure fcne ofllclous Angel has brought mc this
for a Companion in my So'.itude — Now I'm fitted out for
Sorrow. With this I'll figh, with this convcrlc, gaze on
his Image till I grow blind with weeping.
Aur. I'm amaz'd ! hc5w came it here ?
Con. Whether by iVJiracic or human Chance, 'tis all
alike ; I have it here : Nor fliall it ever feparatc from my
Breaft — ^ii's the only Thing could give mc Joy, bccaufc it
wiU encreafe my Grief.
F. 2 Ii. /r.
48 7be Twin-Hhals.
E. W. [Entering.] Mod glorious Woman ! now I at
fond of Life.
Mr, Ha ! What's this ? Your Bufincfs, pray. Sir?
£. fF. With this Lady. [Goes to Conftance, taJtes ht
Hand, and kneels."^ Here let me worfhip that Perfedioi
whofe Virtue might attrafl the lift'ning Angels, an
make 'em fmile to fee fuch Purity, fo like themfelves, i
human Shape.
Con. Hermes I
£. W, Your living Hermes , who (hall die yours too.
Con. Now Pailion, powerful Pa£ion, would bear n
like a Whirlwind to his Arms — But my Sex has Bonne
— *Tis wondrous, Sir I
£• W. Moft wondrous are the Works of Fate for Mai
and mod clofely laid is the Serpentine Line that guid<
him into Happinefs.!— that hidden Power which did p^i
mit thofe Arts to cheat me of my Birthright, had tb;
Surprife of Happinefs in flore, well knowing that Gri<
is the beft Preparative for Joy,
Con, I never found the true Sweets of Love til! th
romantic Turn, dead and alive ! my Stars are poetica
For Heaven's Sake, Sir, unriddle your Fortune.
£. tV. That my dear Brother mud do ; for he made th
Enigma.
Jur. Methinks I (land here like a Fool all this while
Wou'd I had foroebody or other to fay a fine thing c
two to me.
£. W. Madam, I beg ten thoufand Pardons : I hav
my Excufe in my Hand.
Aur. Wy Lord, I wifh vou Joy.
E. W* Pmy, Madam, don't trouble me with a Titl
till I am better equipt for it. My Peerage wou^d loo
a little ihabby in thefe Robes.
Con. You have got a good Excufe, my Lord ; yon ca
wear better when you pTeafe.
E. ff". 1 have a better Excufe, Madam.-«»"The(e ai
the beft I have.
Con. How, my Lord >
E. ff^. Very true, Madam, I am at prefent, I believe
the pooreft Peer in ^ff^/(0ff^.««-»Hark*e, Aurelid, prithe
lend me a Piece or t^o.
^9r. HsL, hzt hsL, a poor Peer indeed I he wants a
Guinea.
Con, Vm glad on't with all my Heart.
I, IV. Whyfo, Madam?
Com. Because I can furnifh you with £ve thoofand.
E. ^. Generous Woman.
Enitr Trueman^
Ha, my Friend too !
True. I am glad to find you here, my Lord : Here's a
cnrreot Reporc about Town that you were kiird. J wa<
afiraid it might reach this Family, fo I come to dif|;rovc
llic Story, by your Letter to me by the lail Poll.
Jur. I'm glad he's come ; now it will be my Turn,
Xoufin.
True^ Now, my Lord, I wifh yon Joy ; and I exped
Okt fame from you.
£• fT. With all my Heart;, but upon what Score ?
True. The old Score, Mairiage.
E. fr. To whom !
Trus. To a Neighbour Lady here [Looking at Aurelia.
j^ur. Impudence! ^JJiiie.] The Lady mayn't be fo
near as you imagine. Sir.
True, The Lady mayn't be fo near as you imagine^
Madam.
j^ur. Don't miflake me. Sir : I did not care if the
Lady were in Mexico.
True. Nor I neither. Madam.
jiur. You're very fhort. Sir.
True^. The fhorteft Pleafures are the fweeteft, you know.
Aur. Sir, you appear very different to me from what
you were lately.
Trui. Madam, you appear very different to me to whit
yoo were lately.
Jur. Strange f
[This *-Mhile Cpnftance and Wou'dbe entertain ont
amtber in dumb Sheiv.
True. Miraculous!
Aur, I could never have believ'd it.
True, Nor I, as I hope to be fav'd.
Aur. Ill Manners I
Tru$. Worfe.
Attr. How have I deferv'd it, Sirh
E j> Trv,i
fo The Twin-Rivals.
True, How have I deferv'd it, Madam ?
Jur. What?
True. You.
Jur, Riddles!
True. Women!— -—My Lord, you'll hear of mi
White'^. Farewel. IRuns
E.^. What, Trueman gone!
Aur, Yes. [Walks ahout in DiforA
Con. Biefs me ; what's the Matter, Coufin ?
Jur, Nothing.
Con, Why arc you uncafy ?
Aur. Nothing.
Con. What ails you then ?
/f«r. Nothing : — I don't love the Fellow,— yet to
affronted — I can't bear it. [^BurJIs out a crying^ and runs
Con. Your Friend, my Lord, has affronted Aurelia,
E W, Jmpoffible! His regard to me were fuffici
Security for his good Behaviour here, the' it were in
Nature to be rude elfewhere. She has certainly v
him ill.
Con. Too well rather.
E. IV, Too well ! have a care, Madam ! that, v
fome Men, is the greateft Provocation to-a Slight.
Con. Don't miftake, my Lord, her Ufage never w
farther than mine to you \ and I fliould take it very il
be sbus'd for it.
E. W, I'll follow him, and know the Caufeof it.
Con, No, my Lord, I'll follow her, and know it :
fides, yQ.ur»own Affairs with your Brother require yoi
prefent. \Ext\
n
A C T IV.
SCENE, Lord Wou'dbeV Houfe.
Young Wou'dbe and Subtleman.
^.WrrS Etarn'df Who faw him? Who fpoke «
J||\^ him ? He can't be return'd.
^uh. My Lord, he's below at the Gate parlying w
the Porter, who has private Orders from me to adnk
be
The Twin Rivals. 51
bojy till you fend him word, that we may have the more
time to fettle our AiFairs.
Y. ;r. *Ti8 a hard Cafe, Mr. Suhtleman, that a Man
can't enjoy his Right without all this Trouble.
hh, Ah, my Lord, you fee the Benefit of Law row,
what an Advantage ic is to the Public for ftxiir'i 5 of Pro-
perty. — Had you not the Law o* your Side, wi.o knows
wiat Devices might have been pradis*d to defraud you of
your Right— But 1 have fecur'd all—'l he Will is in true
Form I and you have two Witnefies already 10 fvvear to
the lail Words of your Father.
y. JV, Then you have got snothcr.
Sub. Yes, yes, a right one ; — and 1 (hall pick up an-
other time enough before the Term : — And 1 have (>!a< t-
ed three or four Conftables in the next Room, to take
care of your Brother if he (houM be boiiierous.
y. W. 7 hen you think we are fecure.
Sub. Ay, ay, let him come now when he pleafes :—
ni go down, and give Orders for his Admittance.
Y. ff^. Unkind Brother ! to difturb me thus, juft in
the fwing and flretch of my full Fortune ! Where is the
Tie of Blood and Nature, when Brothers will do this ?
Had he bot ftaid till Conftance had been mine, his Pre-
fence or his Abfence, had been then indifferent.
Enter Midnight.
Mid. Well, my Lord, {Pants as out cf Breat^ you'll
ne*cr be fatisfied till you have broke my poor Heart. I
have had fuch ado yonder about you with Madam Con^
JUtnce — but ihe's your own.
y.i^.How.'my own I A h ,[my d ear Helpm ate, Pm afraid
wc are routed in that Quarter : My Brother's come home.
Mid, Your Brother come home j then Til go travel.
\Going,
Y. W. Hold, hold, Madam, we are all f cure ; u-
have provided for his Reception ; your ^ ephtw Sultlc-
man has ftopt up all PalTages to the Ellai \
Mid. Ay, Sultleman is a pretty thriving ingcnivou': '^'•■y.
Little do you think who is the Father ot liim. Til tell
you ; Mr. Moabite the rich Jenju in Lombai d-JIrcet.
Y. W, Moabite the Je^ /
Mid, You Ihall hear, my Lord: — One Evening, as I
waa very grave in my own Houfe, reading the — l^'eek/y
F 4 Pre'
J 2 The Twin-Rivals:
Preparation .•——Ay, it was the Weekly Preparation, I do^ "
xemember particularly well. — ^What hears me I— but pat^H
pat, very ibftly at the Door. Come in, cries I, an^aK
prefently enters Mr. Mcahite, foUow'd by a fnug Chair j^
the Windows clofe drawn, and in it was a fine youngr
Virgin juft upon the point of being delivered. W^
were all in a great hurly-burly for a while to be fure /
but our Produftion was a line Boy — I had fifty Guineas
for my trouble, the Lady was wrapt up very wamii
placM in her Chair, and recoovey'd to the place flic
came from. Who Ihe was, or what (he was, I cou'd
never learn, tho' my Maid faid that the Chair went thro*
the Park — but the Child was left with me — The Father
wou*d have made a Jeiv on't prefently, but 1 fwore, if
he committed fuch ^ Barbarity on the Infant, that I
would difcover all So 1 had him brought up a good
Chriftian, and bound 'Prentice to an Attorney,
y. W. Very well.
Mid. Ah, my Lord, there's many a pretty Fellow in
London that knows as little of their true Father and Mo-
iher as he does : I have had feveral fuch Jobbs in my
Time ; there was one Scotch Nobleman that brought
me ibur in half a Year.
Y. W. Four ! and how were they all provided for ?
Mid. Very handfomely indeed ; they were two Sons
and two Daughters, the eldeft Son rides in the firft Troop
of Guards, and the other is a very pretty Fellow, and his
Father's Valet de Chambre.
Y. W, And what is become of the Daughters, pray?
Mid. Why, one of 'em is a Mantua-maker, and the
youngefl has got into the Play-houfe. — Ay, ay, my Lord,
let Subtieman alone, I'll warrant he'll manage your Bro-
ther. Adfmylifci here's fomebody coming, I wou*d not
be feen.
Y. IV. 'Tis my Brother, and he'll meet you upon the
Stairs! 'adfo, get into this Clofet till he be gone.
[Shuts her into the Clo/et.
Enter E. Wou'dbe and Subtieman.
My Brother I deareft Brother, welcome I
[Runs and embraces him.
E. W I can't difTemblea Sir, clfe I WQu'd return your
falfe Embrace.
Y. W".
Wif Twih-RivalL 53
7. W. Ftlfe Embrace ! ftill forpicioos of ine ! I thoaght
^at five Years Abfence might have cool*d the unmanly
^eats of oor childiih Days ; that I am over-joy*d at yoar
Ketiirn» let this teftify, this Moment 1 refi^n all Right
Ind Title to yoar Honour^ and falote yoa. Lord.
E. W, 1 want not your Permiflion to enjoy my Right ;
kere I am Lord and Mader without your Reugnation ;
ind the firft ufe I make of my Authority is, to difcard
that rode, boll-fac'd Fellow at the Door. Where is my
Steward? [^Enur Clear- account] Mr. Cle ar- account ^ let
that pamperM Centinel below this Minute be difcharg'd.
—Brother, I wonder you cou'd feed fuch a fmarm of
Jasy, idle Drones about you, and leave the poor induf--
trions Bees, that fed you from their Hives, to ftarve for
want — Steward, look to't ! if I have not Difcharges for
tMerf Farthing of my Father's Debts upon my Toilet to-
morrow Morning, you ihall follow the TipftafF, I can
aflnre you.
y. W^. Hold, hold, my Lord, you ufurp too large a
Power, methinks, o'er my Family.
E. yP. Your Family !
^ Y. W. Yes, my Family ; you have no Title to Lord it
here. — lAr.. Clear -account^ you know your Mailer.
E, W. How! a Combination againllme! Brother,
take heed how you deal with one that, cautious ot your
Falihood, comes prepar'd to meet your Arts, and can
retort your Cunning to your Infamy : Your black, un-
natural Defigns againd my Life, before I went abroad.
my Charity can pardon ; but my Prudence mull remem-
ber to guard me from your Malice for the future.
Y. IV. Oar Father's weak and fond Surmife! which
he upon his Death-bed own'd ; and to recompencs me for
that injurious, unnatural Sufpicion, hcleft me folc Heir
to his Eftate — Now, my Lord, my Houfe and Servants
are— at your Service.
E W. Villainy beyond Example ! have 1 not Letters
from my Father, of fcarce a Fortnight's Date, where
he repeats his Fears for my Return, left it (hould again
expole me to your Hatred ?
Sub. Well, well, thefe are no Proofs, my Lord ; they
won't pa fs in Court againft pofitive Evidence : lleieis
your Father's Will, Jignatum \£ Jigillatum,. befidcs his.
F 5 laft.
£4 7^^ Twin^RivaU.
Words to confirm it, to which I can take my. pofiti
bath in any Court of Wefiminfttr.
E. W. What are you, Sir ?
Suh. Of Ciifford*s Inn, my Lord» I belong to the La'
E. IV. Thou art the Worm and Maggot of the La'
bred in the bruis'd and rotten Parts» and now are noarif
©d on the fame Corruption that produced thee. T
Englijh Law, as planted lirft, was like the EngUJb Oa
ihooting its fpreading Arms around, to fhelter all tli
dwelt beneath its Shade : Rut now whole Swarms
Caterpillars, like you, hang in fuch Cluflers upon eye
Branch, that the once thriving Tree now Iheds mfedio
Vermin on our Heads.
Y.W. My Lord, I have fome Company above;
your Lordfhip will drink a Glafs of Wine, we (hall
proud of the Honour ? if not, 1 fhall attend you at a
Court of Judicature, whenever you pleafe to fummon n
. E. W, Hold, Sir.— Perhaps my Father's dying Wea
nefs was impos'd on, and he has left him Heir; if'l
his Will fhall freely be obey'd [.^i^.] —Brother, y
fay you have a Will.
Sub. Here it is. \Shevi:inga?archme\
E. W. Let me fee it.
Suh, There's no Precedent for that, my Lord.
E. IV. Upon my Honour, Pll reftore it.
Y. W. Upon my Honour, but you /han't.—
\l^Akts it from Sub. and puts it in bis Pod
E. W. This Over-caution, Brother, is fufpicious.
Y. fV. Seven thoufand Pound a Year is ^orth looki
after.
E. IV, I'hcrefore you can't take it ill that I am lit
inquifitrve about it Have you Witneflcs to pre
my Father's dying Words ?
Y. IV. A Couple in the Hojufe.
E.IV. Who are they.?
Suh,. Witne/Tes, my Lord!—— 'Tis unwarrantable
enquire into the Merits of the Caufe out of Court; — i
Client (hall anfwer no more Qucftions.
K. IV. Perhaps, Sir, upon a fatisfadlory Account
his Title, I intend to leave your Client to the quiet E
joymcnt of his Right, without troubling any Court wi
t
The Tioin-Riva/s. 53
fiuficefs ; I therefore defire to know what.kinJ ofPerfons
are thefe Witnefles.
5ai. Oho, he's a coming about, [^v^r.] I told your
Lordihip alresdy, that 1 am one, another ii in the Muuic,
one of my Lord's Footmen.
E. //'.Where is this Footman ?
Y. ff\ Forth-coming.
E. If. Produce him.
Sm^. That I Ihall prefcntiy. The Day*s our own,
Sir ; [To Y, //'.] but you (hall engage fiill to afk him no
crofs Qoellions. [/f.v//. Sub.
E. JF, I am not (kill'd in foch : But, prny Brother,
did my Father quite forget me? left me nothing ?
Y. ff\ Truly, my Lord, nothing :— ~Hc Tpoke but
little, left no Legacies.
E, /f . 'Tis ftrange ; he was extremely juft, and lovM
mc too i — but perhaps — [ii///fr Snbilcman lui/b Tcaguc.
Sui>. Mv Lord, here's another Evidence.
E. Jr, Tergue!
y. //". My Brother's Servant !
[Tbey all f cur fare upon cne another.
Sub. His Servant \
Tin. Maifliter! fee here Mai fhter, I did get all difh
[Chinks Monty] for being an Evidenfli, dear Joy j an be
me (houle, I will give the hull of it to you, if you will
give me your Permiflion to make fwear ac^ainll you.
E. ff\ My Wonder is divided hetwccn^he Villainy of
the Faft, and the Amazement of ihc Oifcovcry! "Jeaguc!
my very Servant ! furc 1 dream.
Tea. Fet. dere i(h no dreaming in the Cafh ; Tin furc
the Croon Pieccifh are awake, for I have been taking,
with dem difh half hour.
Y. W> Ignorance, unlucky Man, thou haft ruin'd me ;
why had I not a iight of him before ?
Sub. 1 thought the Fellow had been too Ignorant ct>
be a Knave.
Tea, Be me Shoule, you lee, dear Joy. 1 can h: a
Knave as well as you, fen I think it convenicncy.
E. H\ Now, Brother! Spccchlefs I Your CVacIr i» >
filenc'd ! Is all your boarted Fonune funk to the -; .'^.
EJufhing for a Crime ? But I fcorn to infuit.---., ■
S6
TJ^e TwinRhats^
appointmfltit be your Puniihment : But for your Lawyer
there, — Teagae, lay hold of him. *
Sui. Let none dare to attach me without a legal War*
rant.
Tea. Attach ! no, dear Joy, 1 cannot attach you — but
I can catch you by the Troat, after the Fafhion of /r/-
land. \Tahs Subtleman ^ the Throat,
Sub. An Aflault ! an Affault !
Tea. No, no, Uifh noting but choaking, noting but
choaking.
E. W. Hold him faft, 7V^^«^-Now, Sir, [To Y. If. J
becaufe I was your Brother, you wouM have betray'd me ;
and becaufe I am your Brother,. I forgive it ; difpofe ;
yourfelf as you think fit I'll order Mr. CUar-account
to give you a thoufand Pounds. Go take it, and pay me
by your Abfence.
Y. W^ I fcorn your beggarly Benevolence : Had my
Deflgns fucceeded^ I wou'd not have allow'd you the
Weight of a Wafer, and therefore will accept none. — As
for that Lawyer, he deferves to be pilloried, not for hi»
Cunning in deceiving you, but for his Ignorance in be*
traying me. ^The villain has defrauded me of Seven
l^oufand Pound a Year. Farewd. \Going*
Enter Midnight out of the Clofet^ run* to Toung Wou*dbff>
and kneels.
Mid. My Lord, my dear Lord fVoi^dbif I beg you tejd
thoufand Pardons.
Y. W^ What Offence haft thou done to me ?
Mid. An Offence the moft injurious 1 have hitherto
conceal'd a Secret in my Breafl, to the Offence of Juftice*
and the defrauding your Lordihip of your true Riffht and
Tide. You, Benjamin Woudhe^ with the crooked Back,
are the eldeft born, and true Heir to the Eilate and Dig*
nity.
, 0«, How f
Tea. A rah, how \
M'd. None, my Lord, can tell better than T, who
brought you both into the World. My deceased Lord,
upon the fight of your Deformity, engaged me, by a con-
fiderable Reward, to fay you were the lad born, that the
beautiful Twin„ likely to be the greater Ornament to the
FaBuly,
fh Twin- Rivals. 57
Family, might fucceed him in his Honour.— This Secret
tny Confcience has lon^ (Iruggled with. — Upon the News
that you were left Heir to the Eftate, I thought Jufticc
was latisiied, and I was refolv'd to keep it a Secret flill j
but by ftrange Chance, over- hearing what pafsM juil now,
my poor Confcience was rack*d, and 1 was foic'd to de-
clare the Truth.
Y. fF. By all my former Hopes I could have fworn it :
I found the Spirit of Elderfhip in my Blood ; my Pulfes
beat, and fwell'd for Seniority.— —Mr. Htrmes Wou^dhti^^
Ym your mod humble Servant. \FoppiJhly,
E. W. Hermes is my Name, my Chriftian Name ; of
which I am prouder than of all Titles that Honour gives^
or Flattery beftows. But thou, vain Bubble, puft up
with the empty Breath of that more empty Woman ; to
let thee fee how I defpife thy Pride, I'll call thee Lord,
drefs thee up in Titles like a King at Arms ; you ihali
be blazon'd round, like any Church in Holland; t\iy
Pageantry (hall exceed the Lord- Mayor's ; and yet Ihia
Hermes, plain Hermes, (hall defpife thee.
Sui. Well, well, this is nothing to the Porpo f e
Miftrefs, will you make an Affidavit of what you have
faid, before a Matter in Chancery f
Mid. That I can, tho' I were to die the next Minute
after it.
^ea. Den, dear Joy, you wou'd be dam the next Mi*
Bute after dat.
E. TV. AIL this is trifling : I muft purge my Houfe of
this Neft of Villainy at once. Here, Teague^ [JVbi/pers
Teague] go, make haile.
Tea, Dat I can. — [Js be runs out, T, W. ftops him»
Y. fV. Where are you going. Sir ?
Tea. Only for a Pot of Ale, dear Joy, for you and my
MaiChter, to drink Friends.
Y. ^. You lie. Sirrah. [Pujhes him hack.
Tea. Fet, I do To.
E. ^. What, Violence to my Servant I Nay, then Til
force him a Paflage.
Suh. An Aflault, an AiTault upon the Body of a Peer,
Within there !
Enter
5i< The Twin-Rivals*
Enter three or four Conftabks^ one of Vw nmtb a hlaek
Patch on his. Eye. They difarm Elder Wou'dbe, and
fecure Teague.
E. W. This Plot was laid for my Reception. Unhand
me, Conftable.
Y. IV. Have a care, Mr. Conftable, the Man is mad ;
he's pofTefs'd with an odd Frenzy, that he's my Brother,
and my elder too ; 8^0, becaufe I wou'd not very willingly,
refign my Houfe and Eftate, he attempted tomorderme.
Sub, Gentlemen, take care of that Fellow : He made
an Affault upon m^ Body ^i & armis.
Tea. Arab, fatis dzt <zvy at armijh?
Sub. No matter, Sirrah j I fhall have you hang'd.
Tea, Hang'd 1 dat is nothing, dear Joy ; — We arc us'd
to't.
E. W. Unhand me, Villains, or by all — —
Tea. Have a caar, dear Maifliter, don't fwear ; we
Ihall be had in the Croon-Offiih ; You know dere ifli
Sharpers about us. [Looking about on them that hold him,
Y. fV. Mr. Conilable, you know your Diredlions;.
away with 'em.
E. W. Hold
Conft, No, no, force him away. — —
\They all hurry him ojff\ mancnt T. W. tf»</ Midnight.
Y. JV. Now, my dear Prophetefs, my Sybil ; bv all
my dear Defires and Ambitions, I do believe you have
fjpoken the Truth.— I am the Elder.
Mid, No, no. Sir, the Devil a word on't is true— —I-
wou'd not wrong my Confcience neither : For, faith and
troth, as I am an honeft Woman, you were born above
three Quarters of an Hour after him ; — but I don't much
care if 1 do fwear that you are the eldeft. — What a Blef-
fing it was that I was in the Clofet at that pinch f Had f
not come out that Moment, you wou'd have fneakt off;
your-Brother had been in Pofleffion, and then we had loft
all ; but now you are eftabliOi'd, PofTeflion gets you Mo-
ney, that gets you Law, and Law you know— — Dowa
on your Knees* Sirrah,, and aflc me Blcfling.
Y. fV, No, my dear Mother, I'll give thee a Blefling,
a Rent-charge of Five hundred Pound a Year, upon what
p^rt of the Eftate you will> during your Life*
Mid*
The Ttoin-RivaTs. g^
Mid, Thank vou, my Lord : That fist Hundred a
Year wiU afford me a leifurely Life, and a handfome Re-
tirement in the Country, where I mean to repent me of
sny Sins, acd die a good Chriftian : For Heaven knows,
I am old, and ought to bethink me of another I ife.— .
Have yoQ none of the Cordial left that we had in the
Morning ?
Y, /f'. Yes, yes>.wc-ll go to the Fountain-head. \^Exiunt*
S C E N E, T^ Street.
Enter Teague.
Tea. Deel tauke me but diffi ifli a moll (hwcet Bufinefs
indeed ^ MaiQiters play the Pool, and Shervants mud
Ihaffer for it. I am Prilhoner in the ConftablcS Houfe,
be me Shoule, and fhent abrode to fetch fonie Bail for my
Mailhter ; but foo Aiall bail poor Teague agra ?
Enter Conflance.
Oh, dere i(h my Maifhter's old Love. Indeed, I fear
diih Bifhnefs will fpoil his Fortune.
Con, Who'»heref Teague? [He turns from her •
Ttfa.Deel tauke her, 1 did tought (he cou'd not know
me agen now I am a Priihoner. [Conllance ^0^/ about to
look him in the Face, He turns from ber.'] Difh ilh not
Ihivil, be me Shoule, to know a Shentfeman fither he
will or 00.
Con. Why this, Teague P What's the Matter? Are
.you afham'd of nie, or yourfelf, Teague?-
Tea. Of bote, be me Shoule.
Con, How does your MaHer, Sir ?
Tea. Very well, dear Joy, and in Priflion.
Con. In Prifon \ how .' where ?
Tea, Why, in the little Bajhtile yonder, at the End
of the Street.
Con, Shew me the Way immediately.
Tea, Fet, I can ihew you the Houfe yonder; Shce
youder ; be me Shoule I ihee hts Face yonder peeping
troo the Iron Glafs Window.
Con» rU fee him, tho' a Dungeon were his Confine-
ment. [ Runs off.
Tea. Ah auld kindnefh, be me (lioule, cannot be
forgotten. Now, if my Maifhtcr had but C^rafh enough
to get her wit Child, her Word wou'd go for two ; and
flic, wottld bail him and I bote. \ P'Xit.
SCENIL
€o The Twin-Rivals.
SCENE, A Room mifirablyfurmjhedt E. W. y&//«^ W*
njoriting.
E. Wi The Tenner confines the Great,.
The Spunging'houfe the Poor ;
Thus there are Degrees of State
That tv*n the Wretched muft endure.
Virgil, th(^ cherijhed in Courts,.
Relates hut a fplenetic Tale,
Cervantes Revels and Sports,
Althi^ he torit in a JaiL
Then hang Reflexions, [Starts up,] Pll go write a Co^
medy. Ho, within there : Tell the- Lieutenant of tiir
Tower that I would fpeak with him.
Enter Conflablci
Con^* Ay, ay, the Man is mad : Lientenant o^th*"
Tower ! ha, ha, ha ; wouM you cou'd make your Words
good, M after.
E. W. Why, am not I a Prifoner here ? I know it by
the (lately Apartments.— What is that, pray, that hangs-
ftreaming do\^n upon 6ie Wall yonder ^
Confi. Yonder ! 'tis Cobweb, Sir.
E. W. 'Tis f alfe. Sir : 'Tis as fine Tapcfhy as any iiti
Europe,
Conjl. The Devil it is r
E. fV. Then >our Damafk Bed, here; the Flowers are
fo bold, I took 'em for Embroidery ; and then the Head-
work, ? oint de FenicCf I protect' !
Confi. As good Kidderminjier SiS SLnym England, Imuft^
confeis : and iho* the Sheets be a little foil'd, yet I can
aflure you. Sir, that many an honeil Gentleman has lain
in them.
E. W. Pray, Sir, what did thofe two India Pieces coft^
that are fixM up in the Corner of the Room ?
Confi. Indian Pieces 1 What the Devil, Sir, they ire
my old Jack-boots, my Militia Boots.
'E. W, 1 took them for two China Jars, upon my
Word : But hark'e, Friend, art thou content that theft
Things ftiou'd be as they are f
Conji. Content I ay, Sir.
E. fF. Why then ihould Tcomplain ? [Om calls mtithin.
Ifnthln.l
Tie Twin-Rivals. 6i
\}yitbin.'\ Mr. Conftable, here's a Woman will force
her Way open us : We can*tftop her.
Cenft. Knock her down then, knock her down ; let no
Woman come ap» the Man's mad enough already.
Enter Conftance.
Con. Who dares oppofc me ?
[Tbronvs him a handful tf M^ney,
C§nft, Not I truly, Madam. [Gathers up the Money.
E. ff^. My Conftance ! m^^ Guardian -angel here ! Thea
nought can hurt me.
Conft. Hark'e, Sir, you may (iippofe the Bed to be a
Damafk Bed for Half an Hour, if you pleafe, —
Con. No, no, Sir, your Prifoner muft along with me.
. Conft. Ay \ faith, the Woman's madder than the Man.
Enter Trueman and Tcague.
E. JV, Ha ! Trueman too f I'm proud to think that
many a Prince has not fo many true Friends in his Pa-
lace, as I have here in Prifon ; — two fuch
Tern. Tree, be me Shoule.
Treu. My Lord, juft as I heard of your Confinement, I
Ivas going to make myfelf a Prifoner. Behold the Fet*
tcrs ; I had juft bought the Wedding-ring.
Con. I hope they are golden Fetters, Captain ?
True. They weigh four thoufand Pounds, Madam, be-
fide the Purfe, which is worth a Million. — My Lord, this
very Evening was I to be married ; but the News of your
Misfortune has ilopt me : I would not gather Rofes in a
"wet Hour.
E. H^. Come, the Weather (hall be clear ; the thoughts
of your good Fortune will make me eafy, more than my
own can do, if purchafed by your Difappointment.
True. Do you think, my Lord, that 1 can go to the
Bed of Pleafure, whilft you lie in a Hovel ? Here,
where is this Conftable ? How dare you do this, infolent
Rafcal ?
Confl." Infolent Rafcal ! do you know who you fpeak
to. Sir ?
Trui. Yes, Sirrah ; don't I call you by your proper
Name ? How dare you confine a Peer of the Realm ?
Cenft. Peer of ihe Realm! you may give good Words
tho* I hope.
£• IF. Ay, ay, Mr. Conftable is in the right, he did
but
62 The Twin-Rivals.
but his duty ; I fuppofe he had twenty Guineas for his '
Pains.
Co»fl, No, I had but ten.
E. /^. Hark'e, Trueman, this Fellow mufl: be footh'd,
he'll be of Ufe to us ; I muft employ you too in this Affair
with my Brother.
True, Say no more, my Lord, I'll cut his Throat, 'tis
but flying the Kingdom.
E. W. No, no, 'twill be more Revenge to word him
at his own Weapons. Cou'd I but force him out of his
Garrifon, that I might get into PolTeflion, his Claim
wou'd vanidi immediately. — Does my Brother know you?
True, Very little, if at all.
E ^. Hark'e. [TFhI/pers.
True, It ftiall be done ; Look'e, Conftable, you're
drawn into a wrong Caufe, and it may prove your Dc»-
ilrudlion, if you don't change Sides immediately : — Wc
defire no Favour, but the Ufe of your Coat, Wig, and
Staff for Half an Hour.
Conft, Why truly, Sir, I underftand now, by- this Gen.-
llcwoman, that I know to be our Neighbour,, that he is
a Lord, and I heartily beg his Worfhip's Pardon, and
if I can do your Honour any Service, your Grace may
command me.
E. W. I'll reward you, but you mull have the black
Patch for the Eye too.
Tea, I can give ^our Lordfliip wan ; here fet, 'tis a
Plaiftiter for a fore Finger, and I have worn it but twice.
Con, —But pray. Captain, what was your Quarrel at
Aurdia to-day ?
True. With your Permiffion, Madam, we'll mind my
Lord's Bufinefs at prefent ; when that's done, we'll mind
the Lady's— My Lord, I (hall make an excellent Con-
liable; I never had the Honour of a civil Employment
before : We'll equip ourfelves in another Place Here,
you Prince of Darkne/s^ have you ne'er a better Room in
your Houfe, thcfe Iron Grates frighten the Lady.
Conft. I have a handfome, neat Parlour below, Sir.
True, Come along then, you mull condutl us. - ■ — We
don't intend to be out of your Sight, that you may'nt be
out of ours, \^AJid(.^ [Exeunt.
SCENE
The Twin-Rivals. 63
SCENE changes to an Jpartment.
Enter Aurclia in a PaJJton^ Rhhrn or e /olloiving,
Aur. Follow me not ;-^ — Age and Deformity, with
Quiet, were preferable to this vexatious Perfecution ; for
Heaven's fake, Mr. Richmore, what have I ever (hewn to
vindicate this Prefumption of yours ?
Rich. You Ihevv it now, Madam, your Face, your
Wit, your Shape, are all Tcmptat'ons to undergo even
•the Rigour of your DifJain, lor the bewitching Pleafure
of your Company.
Jur. Then be ;ifliur'd. Sir, you (hall reap no othtfr
Benefit by my Company ; and if you think it a Pleafure
to be conftantly flighted, ridicul'd, and a/Fronted, you
(hall have Admittance to fuch Entertainment whenever
you wilL
Rich, I take you at your Word, Madam ; I am arm'd
•with Submiffion againft all the Attacks of your Severity,
and your Lady (hip ihall find, that my Refignatioa can
bea^much longer than your Rigour can.inflift.
Jur. That ts, in plain Terms, your Sufficiency will
•prefuifie much longer than my Honour can refift. — Sir,
-you might have fpar'd the unmannerly Declaration to my
Face, having already taken care to let me know your
Opinion of my Virtue, by your impudent Settlement
proposed by Mrs. Midnight,
Rich. By thofe fair Eyes, I'll double the Propofal ; this
foft, this white, this powerful Hand [Talus her Hand']
ihall write its own Conditions.
Jur, Then it (hall write this — [Strikes him], and if you
like the Terms, you (hall have more another Time. [Exit.
Rich. Death and Madnefs f a Blow — Twenty tjioufand
Pound Sterling for one Night's Revenge upon her dear^
proud, difd^inful Perfon '. Am not 1 rich as many a
Sovereign Prince, wallow in Wealth, yet can't command
my Pleafure ? — Woman ! — If there be Power in Gold, 1
yet ihall triumph o'er thy Pride.^
E^aer Midnight.
J^iJ. O' my troth, and fo you (hall, if I can help it.
Rich. Madam, Madam, here, here, here's Money,
Go'd, Silver, take, take, all, all, my Rings loo ; all
ihall be yours, make me but happy in this prefumptuous
Beauty^
^4 y*^ ^win-Rxvals.
Beauty, Y\\ make thee rich as Avarice can crave ; if not^
I'll murder thee and myfelf too.
Mid* Your Bounty is too large, too large indeed. Sir.
Rich, Too large ! no, 'tis Beggary without her.^
Lordfhips, Manors, Acres^ Rents, Tithes, and Trees^
all, all fliall fly for my dear fweet Revenge.
Mid. Say no more, this Night I'll put you in a Way,
Rich. Thi^ Night ?
Mid. TheXady's Aunt is very near her Time— — fhe
goes abroad this Evening a vifiting ; in the mean time V\\
lend to your Miflrefs, that her Aunt is fallen in Labour
at my Houfe : She comes in a hurry, and then^—
Rich. Shall I be there to meet her ?
Mid, Perhaps.
Rich. In a private Room ?
Mid, Mum.
Rich. No Creature to difturb us ?
Mid. Mum, I iay» but >you muft give me your Word
not to ravifli her ; nay, I can tell you, ihe won*t be ra«
vilh^d.
Rich. Ravifli ! Let me fee, Vm worth five thoafand
Found a Year, twenty thoufand Guineas in my Pocket,
and may not I force a Toy that's fcarce worth fineen hun«
drcd Pound ? I'll do't.
Her Beauty fets my Heart on fire, befide
Th' iujurious Blow has fet on fire my Pride;
The bare Fruition were not worth my Pain,
The Joy will be to humble her Difdain ;
Beyond Enjoyment will the Tranfport laft
Ia Triumph, when the Extafy is paft.
Jbi End of the Fourth ACT.
ACT
The Twin^RivaU. €g
A C T V.
^ S C E N E, Lord WouMbe'j Houfe.
Young Wou'dbe Solus.
Y. U^. QHcw me that proud Stoic that can bear Suc-
i3 cefs and Champaign ; Philofophy can fupporc
lu in hard Fortune, but who can have Patience in Pro-
{ptnxy ? The Learned may talk what they will of hu-
man Bodies, but I am fure there is not one Atom in mine
bot what is truly Epicurean. Mv Brother is fecurM, £
guard with my Friends, my lewd and honeft Midnight
Friends.— Holla, who waits there ?
Euter Str*vanf,
Str, My Lord !
Y. W. A freih Battalion of Bottles to re-inforce the
Gftern. Are the Ladies come ?
Str, Half an Hour ago, my Lord : They're below in
the Bathing Chamber.
Y. W. Where did you light on 'em ?
Ser. One in the Pa&ge at the old Play-houfe, my Lord
—I found another very melancholy paring her Nails by
R9famond'% Pond, — and a Couple 1 got at the Checquer
Alehoufe in Holhorn ; the two laft came to Town Yeiier*
day in a Weft Country Waggon.
Y. W. Very well, order Baconface to hallen Supper —
and d'ye hear ? Bid the Siuifs admit no Stranger, without
acquainting me— [^x/V Ser*vanf.] Now Fortune I defy
thee, this Night's my own at leall, [Re-enter Servant.
Sen My Lord, here's the Conftable below with the
black Eye, and he wants to fpeak with your Lord (hip in
aUhaile.
Y. ^ Ha [ the Conftable ! Shou'd Fortune jilt me
now ?— Bid him come up, I fear fome curfed Chance to
thwart me.
Enter Trueman in the Cotiftable*s Cloaths*
True. Ah ! My Lord, here is fad News— your Brother
Y. W. Got away, made his Efcape, I warrant you.
Jinrr. Worfe> worfe, my Lord.
Y.fF.
66 The Twin-Rivals.
Y. TV. Worfe, worfe ? What can be worfe ?
True, I dare not fpeak it.
Y. PP^, Death and Hell, Fellow don't diftraft me.
True. He's diad.
Y. /r. Dead.
True, Pofi lively.
Y. /F. Coup ds Grace t del Gramercy,
True, Villain, I underftand you. [-4^^^
Y. iV. But how, how, Mr. Conftable ? Speak it aloud, '
kill me with the Relation.
True, I don't know how, the poor Gentleman was very
melancholy upon this Confinement, and fo he defir'd me
to fend for a Gentlewoman that lives hard by here, may-
hap your Worihip may know her.
Y. IV, At the gilt balcony in the Square ?
True. The very fame, a fmart Woman truly— I went
for her myfelf, but flie was othervvays engaged ; not (he
truly, (he vvou'd not come Wou'd you believe it, my
Lord, at the hearing of this the poor Man was like to
drop down dead.
Y. W, Then he was but likely to drop down dead ?
True. Wou'd it were no more. Then I left him, and
coming about two Hours after, I found him hang'd in his
Sword-belt.
Y. W. Hanp'd !
True. Dangling.
Y. IV. Lc coup ^d' eclat I Done like the nobleft Roman of
*em all ; but a-^e you fure he's pall all Recovery ? Did
you fend for no Surgeon to bleed him !
True. No, my Lord, I forgot that — but I'll fend im-
mediately.
Y. IV, No, no, Mr. Conftable, 'tis too late now, too
late — and the Lady would not come, you fay ?
True. Not a ftep wou'd flie ftir.
Y. PV^ Inhuman! barbarous! — dear, delicious Wo«
man, thou now art mine — Where is the Body, Mr, Con-
ftable ? I muft fee it.
True, By all means, my Lord, it lies in my Parlour ;
there's a power of Company come in, and among the reft
•ne, one, one Trueman, I think they call him, a devilifli
hot Fellow, he had lik'd to have nuU'd the Houfe down
about our Ears, and fwears— *! tola h!m he Ihould pay for
fwearing
The Twin- Rivals. 67
fwearing — he gave me a flap in the Face, faid he was in
the Army, and had a ^.ommi{^o^ for't.
Y. W. Captain Trueman? A bluftering kind of Rake-
helly Officer.
^rue. Ay, my Lord, one of ihofe Scoundrels that we
pay Wages to for being knock'd o' ih'head for us.
y. fV, Ay, ay, one of thofe Fools that have only
Brains to be knocked out.
True, Son of a Whore. \_^Jide.'\ He's a plaguy impu-
dent Fellow, my Lord ; he fwore that you were the
greateft Villain upon the Earth.
y. W. Ay, ay, but he durft not fay that to my Face,
Mr. Conftable.
True, No, no, hang him, he faid it brhind your Back
to be fure — and he fwore moreover Have a care, my
Lord, he fwore that he would cut your Throat when-
ever he met you.
Y. W. Will you fwear that you heard him fay fo?
True. Heard him ! Ay, as plainly as you hear me : He
ipoke the v^ry Words that I fpeak lo your Lordlhip
y. fF, Well, well, ril manage him — But now I think
on*r, I won't go to fee the Body ; it will but encreafe ray
Grief.— — Mr. Conllable, do you fend for the Coroner :
They muft find him Non Compos, He was mad before,
you know. Here — fomtthing for your Trouble.
[Grufs Money,
True, Thank your Honour. — But pray, my Lord, have
a care of \}ii2XTrueman ; he fwears that he'll cut your
Throat, and he will do't, my Lord, he will do't.
Y. W. Never fear, never fear.
True. But he fwore it, my Lord, and he will certainly
do't. Pray have a Care. {Exit,
Y. W. Well, well, fo, — the Devil's in't if 1 ben't
the eldeft now. What a Pack of civil Relations have I
had here ? My Father takes a Fit of the Apoplexy, makes
a Face and goes off one way ; my Brother takes a Fit of
the Spleen, makes a Face and goes off t'other way. — Well,
I muft owo he* has found the way to mollify me, and I
do love him now with all my Heart ; lince he was fo
?ery civil to juftle into the World before me, I think he
did very civilly to juftle out of it before me.— ~But now
my
68 The "twin^Rivah.
jtny Joys ! Without there — ^hollo— take ofF the Inquifidon
of the Gate ; the Heir may now enter urifufpe^ed.
^he Wolf is deady the Shepherds may go play :
Ea/e folloiMs Care, fo rowls the World away.
'Tis a Queilion whether Adveriity or Profperity makea
the mod Poets.
Enter a Servant* -
Ser, My Lord, a Footman brought this Letter, and
waits for an Anfwer.
Y. W. Nothing from the Elyfian Fields 1 hope. {Opeth
tng the Letter.^ What do I fee, CONSTANCEF Spdlf
and Magic in every Lett^ of the Name — ^Now for the •
fweet Contents.
]\/fy Lord, I am pleased to hear of your happy Change ef
Fortune, and Jhall be glad to Jie your Lordjbip this
E'vening to ivijhyou Joy. CONSTANCE.
Now the Devil's in this Midnight ; (he told me this After-
noon that the Wind was chopping about, and has it ffit
into the warm Corner already ? Here, my Coach and fix
to the Door : I'll vifit my Sultana in State. As for the
Seraglio below Stairs, you, my Bajhanjus, may pofTefs them.
SCENE, The Street, Tcague ^ith a Lanthorm, True-
man in the Confable^s Habit following.
^rue. Blockhead, thou had led us out of the way i we
have certainly paft the Conftable's Houfe.
Tea, Be me Shoule, dear Joy, I am never out of my
ways ; for poor league has been a Vanderer ever iince he
was horned.
True. Hold up the Lanthom : What is that ? The St.
Alhan\ Tavern I Why, you blundering Fool, you have
led me diredtly to St, Jameses Square, ^hen you (hoold
have gone towards Soho \Shriehing m3ithinJ\ Hark !
What Noife is that over the way ? A Woman's Cry !
Tea, Fet is it (home Daumfel in Diftrefs, I brieve*
that has no mind to be relieved.
True, ril ufe the Privilege of my Office to know what
tht Matter is.
Tim.
Th Twin-Rivals. 6^
7'ea. Hold, hold» MaUkter Capuin, be me fet, dat
ifh not the way home^
frzthin]—Hc\p, help, Murder? Help.
True, Ha! Here muft be Mifchief Within ihere,
open the Door in the King's Name^ or I'll force it
open.-^Here, ^^jm> b.eak open the Door.
[Tclgue takes the Staffs thumps at the Door.
Tea, Deel taake him, I have knock fo long as lam
fible. Arah, Mailhtcr, get a great long Ladder to get
Jo the Window of the nrfht Room, and (ho open the
JDoor, and let in your (helf.
WUbin.l Help, help, help.
True. Knock harder, let's raifc the Mob*
Tea, O Maiihter, I have tink juft now of a brave In-
vention to make dcm come out ; and be St. Patrick^ dat
very Bufhinefs did maake my nown fhelf and my Fader
Tuo like the Devil out of my nown Hoofe in my Coun*
try :— Be me Shoule, fet the Hoofe a- fire*
Enter the Mob,
Moh. What's the Matter, Mailer Conftable ?
True. Gentlemen, I command yo jr Affillance in the
King's Name, to "break into the Houfe : There is Mur-
der cried within.
Moh. Ay, ay, break open the Door.
[Midnight at the Balcony.
Mid. What Noife is that below ?
Tea. Arah, vat Noife is dat above ?
Mid. Only a poor Gentlwoman in Labour; — 'twill be
oyer prefently. — Here, Mr. Conftable^ there's fome thing
• for you to drink. {Thro^vj doivn a Purje, Teague takes it up.
Tea. Come, Maifhter we have no more to (hay, be me
ihoale, [G««^.] Arah, if you will play the Conilable
right now, fet you will come away.
True, No, no ; there muft be Villainy by this Bribe.
Who lives in this Houfe ?
M^h, A Midwife, a Midwife : 'Tis none of our Bufi-
nefs ; let us be gooe. [ Aurelia at the Windo'w.
Aur. Gentlemen, dear Gentlemen, help ! a Rape, a
Rape, Villainy !
7r«f. Ha ! That Voice I know — Give me the Staff;
ril make a Breach, I warrant you.
\Breaks open the Door, and all go in.
Vol. II. G SChNa
70 The Twin- Rivals.
SCENE changes to the Infide of the Hou/e.
Re-enter Trueman and Mob.
7rue. GentlerocDx fearch all about the Honfe ; let not
d Soul efcape.
Enter Aurelia, running with her Hair about her Ears, and
out of Breath.
Aur. Dear Mr. Conftable, — bad yoa — (laid but a Mo-
ment longer* 1 had been ruined.
^rue, Aurelia ! Are you fafe, Madam ?
Aur. Yes, yes j I am fafe — I think — but with enough
to do : He's a devililh ftrong Fellow.
^rue. Where is the Villain that attempted it ?
Aur. Pfliaw — never mind the Villain ; — look out the
Woman of the Houfe, the Devil, the Moniter, that de-
coy'd me hither.
Enter Teague, hauling in Midnight h^ the Hair.
Tea, Be me Shoule* I have taaken my fhaar of the
Plunder. Let me fhee, fat I have gotten, [flakes her t§
the light.'] Ububboo, a Witch, Witch ; the very faaoi
Witch dat would fwaar my Maifhter was the youngeft.
True How! Midnight/ This was the luckieft Dilguifc
I Come, my dear Froferfine, I'll take care of you.
Mid Pray, Sir, let me fpeak to you.
True, No, no ; Vll talk with you before a Magiftrate
—A Cart, Bridewell; — you underftand tne^^—Teagmi^
Jet her be your Prifoner, Til wait on this Lady.
Aur, Mr. Conftable, Til reward you.
Tea, It ifli convenient noo by the Law of Armfti, that
I fearch my Prifhoner, for fear (he may have fome Pocket-
Piihtols : Dere is a Joak for you. [Searches her Pocktt*
Mid. Ah ! don't ule an old Woman fo barbaroufly.
Tea, Dear Joy, den fy vere you an old Woman 1 Dat
is your Fait, not mine, Joy I Uboo, here ilh noting but
fcribble fcrabble Papers, 1 tink,
[Pu^ls out a handful of Letters.
True, Let me fee 'em ; they may be of life [Looks
o^jer the letters,'] Fcr Mr. Rich more — ^h 1 Poea he traf-
fic hereabout? ?
Aur^ That is the Villain that .would have abu(ed me.
True. Ha ! Then he has abus'd you ; Villain indeed \
The TtviH'Rivals. 71
w.\Vas his Name Ricbmorif Miftrefs ? t lufty handforae
Man?
jfur. Ay, ay, the very fame ; a lufty, ugly Fellow.
True» Let me fee— whofe Scrawl is this ? \Opeis the
Letter. '\ Death and Confufion to my Sight; CUlia ! My
Bride! — His Whore.— —I've paft a Precipice unfeen,
which to look back upon, (hi vers me with Terror. — This
Night, this very Moment, had not my Friend been in
Con6nement, had not I worn this Dre(s, had not Aurtli^
been in Danger, had not Teagus found this Letter, had
the leaft minuted Lircumflance been omitted, what a
Mon0er had I been ! Miftrefs, is the fame RUbmore in
the Houfe ftill, thinks ?
jiur. 'Tis very probable he may.— —
True, Very well. Teague^ take thefe Ladies over
to the Tavern, and (lay there x.\\ I come to you.
Madam, [To Aurelia) fear no Injury— your Friends are
near you.
. jiur. What does he mean >
Tea. Come, dear Joy, I vil give yon a Pot of Wine,
out of your own Briberies here.
£ Hauls out Midnight. Exit Aurelia and Mob,
Manet Trueman.
inter Richmore«
^eb. Since my Money won't prevail on this crofs Fel-
low, ril try what my Authority can do— "—What's the
meaning of this Riot, Condable ? I have the Commif-
fion of the Peace, and can command you. Go about
your Buduefs, and leave your Prifoners with me.
Trtu. No, Sir ; the Prifoners (hall go about their Bu-
finefs, and I'll be left with you— — Look'e, Mafter, we
don't ufc to make up thefe Matters before Company : So
you and I mud be in private a little. — You fay. Sir, that
you arc a J u dice of Peace.
Ricb. Yes, Sir ; I have my CommilHon in my Pocket.
Trne. I believe it. — Now, Sir, one good Turn dcferves
another: And if you will promife to do mc a Kindnefs,
why, you (hall have as good as you bring.
Rjcb. What is it?
True, You mud know. Sir, there is a Neighbour's
Daughter that I had a woundy Kindnefs for : She had a
very good Repute all over the Paridi^ and might have
G z married
7^ TJbe Twin-EJvak.
married very handfomely, that I muft fay; bnt I don\
know how, we came together after a very kindly natural
manner, and I fwore, that I mud fay, 1 did fwear con-
foundedly, that I would marry her : But, 1 don't knovr
how, I never car'd for marrying of her fince.
Rfci. How fo ?
True. Why, becaufe I did my Bufinefe without it:
That was the bcft way, I thought — The Truth is, fre
has fome foolifb Reafons to fay (he's with Child, and
threatens mainly to have me taken up with a Warrant*
and brought before a Juftice of Peace. Now, Sir, I intend
to come before you, and I hope your Worlhip will bring
me off.
Rich, Look'c, Sir, if the Woman prove witKChild*
and you fwore to marry her, you muft do't.
True. Ay, Mafter; but 1 am for Liberty and Pro-
perty. I vote for Parliament-men ; 1 pay Taxes, and
truly I don't think Matrimony confident with the Liberty
of the Subjedt.
Rich. But in this Cafe, Sir, both Law and Juftice will
oblige you.
True. Why, if it be the Law of the Land—I found a
Letter here — I think it is for your Worlhip.
Rich, Ay, Sir, how came you by it ?
True. By a very ftrange Accident truly — Clelga^-"^'^
Ihe fays here you fwore to marry her. Eh ! — Now, Sir,
I fuppofe that what is Law for a Petty Conftable, may
be Law for a Juftice of Peace.
Rich. This is the oddeft Fellow
True. Here was the t*other Lady that cried out fo — I
warrant now, if I were brought before you for ravifhing
a Woman— the Gallows wou'd raviih me for't.
Rich. But I did not ravifh her.
True. That Tm glad to hear : I wanted to be fore -of
that. lAjSify.
Rich. I don*t like this Fellow. Come, Sir, give me
my Letter, and go about your Bufinefs ; I have no more
to fay to you.
True. But I have fomething to fay to you.
TComitiF up t9 biMn
Rich. What!
True. Dog, \Strihs him.
Rich.
^Be Tmn- Rivals. 73
Rith. Ha! firock by a Peafant ! [Dr^'ws.] S*ave, thy
Death is certain. [Runs at Trueman.
True. O brave Don ^ohn^ Rape and Murder in one
Night! [Di/arms him.
Rkb. Rafcat, return my Sword, and acquit your Pri-
soners, elfe will 1 profecute thee to Beggary. I'll givfe
ibme Petty-fogger a thoufand Pound to Itarve thee and
thy Family according to Law.
True, rJl lay you a thoufand Pounds yoa won't.
[Di/co*vering him/elf.
Rich, Ghofts and Apparitions ! Trucmon !
True, Words are needlefs to upbraid you ; my very
Looks are fufficient ; and if you have the leaf) Senfe of
Shame, tliis Sword wou'd be Mi painful in your Hearty
than my Appearance is in your Eye.
RUb. Truth, by Heavens.
True. Think on the Contents of this [Jhs^ing a Letter']
think next on roe ; refled upon your Villainy to Jureiia,
then view thyfelf.
Rseh, Trueman, canft thou forgive me ?
True. Forgive thee ! [J long Pau/e,'] Do one thing, and
I will.
Jticb, Any thing : — Ml beg thy Pardon.
True. The Blow cxeufes that.
Mich, ril give thee half my Eftate.
True. Mercenary.
Micb. ni make thee my fole Heir.
True. I defpife it,
Rtcb. What Ihall I do ?
True, You (hall marry delta.
Rich. How ! that's too hard.
True. Too hard I Why was it then impos'd on me ? If
you marry her yourfelf, I (hall believe you int;inded me
no Injury : fo your Behaviour will be juftified, my Re-
icntment appeased, and the Lady's Honour repaired,
Rkb. *Tis infamous.
True. No, by Heavens, 'tis Juftice, atid what is juft
is honoorable : If Promifes from Man to Man have
' Force, why not from Man to Woman ? Their very
Weaknefs is the Charter of their Power, and they ftiould
not be injur'cl, becanfe they can't return it.
Rifh* Return my Sword.
G 3, True^
^...».
74 ^if^ Twin-Rwah.
True. In my Hand 'tis the Sword of Jafiice, and f
ibould not part with it.
Rich. Then (heath it here, Til die before I Confent Co
bafely.
True, Confider, Sir, the Sword is worn for a diftin^
guiftiing Mark of Honour — Promife me one, and receive
toother.
Rich, ril promife nothing, till I have that in my
Power.
True. Take it. [Throws him his SnuortL
Rich. 1 fcorn to be compcll'd even to Juftice; and now^
that I may refill, I yield. — Trueman^ I have injur'd thee,,
ind CUlia I have feverely wronged.
True. Wrong'd indeed^ Sir; — and to aggravate the
Crime, ^he fair A^idled loves you. Marked you with*
what Confufion (he received me ? She wept, the injured
Innocence wept, and with a ftranee Rel usance gave
confent ; her moving Softnefs pierc'd my Heart, tho* I*
miftook the Caufe.
Rich. Your youthful Virtue warms my Bread, and
melts it into Tendernefs.
True. Indulge it, Sir ; Juftice is noble in any Form ;;
think of the Joys and Raptures will poffefs her, when
ihe finds you inftead of me : You, the dear DilTembler^
the Man (he loves, the Man. ihe gave for loft, to find him
true, returned, and in her Arms.
Rich. No new Pofleflion can give equal joy : — It (hill
be done, the Pried that waits for you (hall tie the Knot
this Moment; in the Morning ill expedt you'll give me
Joy. [£xi>;
True. So, is not this better now than cutting of
Throats I i have got my Revenge, and the Lady will
have hers without Bloodihed. [Sxiti.
SCENE changa to an Jpartment ; Conftance ani.
6ervant»
^er» He*s juft a coming up. Madam.
Cc«, My Livility to this Man will be as gr«ata Con-
ftraint upon me,^ as Rudenefs would be to his Brother;.,
but I mud bear it a littJt, becaufe our De(igns require it ;.
Lfnter Y. Wou'dbe.] his Appearance diocks me : — Myt.
ord, 1 Vf idi you Joy.
Tire Twin^Ri^ah, 7^
Y. H^, Madam, 'tis only in your Power to give it ;
Ind wou'd vou honour me with a Title to be really proud
of, ii'fhouid be that of your hamblefl Servant.
Con, I never admitted any body to the Tit'e of an
irafflble ServanC, that I did not intend (hould command
me ; if your Lordfhip will bear with the Slavery* yoa
ihall begin when you pleafe, provided you take upon you
the Authority when I have a mind.
Y. JV, Our Sex, M§dam, make much better Lovers
than Hufbands ; and I think it highly unreafonable, that
you fhou'd put yourfelf in my Power, when you can fo
abf. lutely keep me in yours.
Con. No, my Lord, we never truly command till we
have given our Promife to obey ; and we are never in
more danger of being made Slaves, than when we have
*cm ac our Feet.
"f . W. True, Madam, the greateft Empires are in moil
danger of falling : but it is better to be abfolute there,
than to a£t by a Prerogative that is confinM.
Con. Well, well, my Lord, I like the Conftitution we
live under; Fm for a limited Power, or none ac all.
y. }V, You have fo much the Heart of the Subjefl,
Madam, that you may rule as you pleafe ; but you have
weak Pretences to a limited Sway, where your Eyes
have already play'd the Tyrant. -I think one Pri-
vilege of the People is to kifs their Sovereign's Hand.
\Takin^ her Hand.
Con, Not till they have taken the Oaths, my Lord ;
and he that refufes them in the Form the Law prefcribes,
is, I think, no better than a Rebel.
Y. IV. By Shrines and Altars, [Kn/ilin^] by all that
yon think Juft, and J hold good, by this, [Taking her
Hand'\ the faireft, and the deareft Vow — [Kijpng her Hand.
Con. Fie, my Lord. [Seemingly yielding.
¥• fF. Your Eyes are mine, they bring me Tidings
from your Heart, that this Ni^ht I fhall be happy.
Ccn, Would not you defpife a Conqueil fo eaiily
gain*d ?
V Y. ^. Yours will be the Conqueft, and I fhall defpife
all the World but you.
Con. But will you promife to make no Attempts upon
jny Honour?
G 4 Y.PF.
y6 ^be Twin- Rival's.
Y. W. That's foolifh. l^fi^e.} Not Angels font on
MefTages to Earth, fhall viiic with more Innocence.
Qfi. Ay, ay, to be fure.— [^^/(f] My Lord, V\\ fend
one to condufl you. [Exit,
Y. fV.'Hai, ha, ha {—no Attempts upon her Honour?
When I can find the Place where it lies. Til tcU her
more of my JMind. — Now do [ feel tea thoufand Cupids.
tickling me all over with the Points of their Arrowb.—
"Where's my Deformity now ? I have read fomewhere
the(e Lines :
Tho* Nature cafi me in a rugged Mouldy
Since Fate has changed the Bullion into Goldy
Cupid returns, breaks all his Shafts of Lead^
And tips each Arrowo nvith a Golden Head*
Feathered tuith Title, the gay lordly Dart
Flies frcudly on, njuhUJl e'very Virgin* s Heart
SwM HAjith Ambition to receive the Smart,
\
Enter Elder WouMbc behind him.
E. W. Thus to adorn Dramatic Sto^,
, Stage Hero fir uts in borronjS'd Glory ,
Fraud and Auguft as e*Ver Manfa*Wf
And ends his tmpire in a Stan%a,
[Slaps him on die Shoulder.
'y,W. Ha! my Brother!
E. W. No, perfidious Man ; all Kindred ind Rela-
tion I difown : The poor Attempts upon my Fortune I
cou'd pardon, but thy bafe Defigns upon my Love, I
can never forgive ; — my Honour, Birthright, Riches, All
J could more freely fpare, than the leaft Thought of thy
prevailing here.
Y. W. How ! my Hopes deceived ; cnrs^d be the fair
Delufiona of her Sex ; whilft only Man oppos'd my Cun-
ning, J flood fecure ; but foon as Woman inttrpos'd^
Luck changM Hands, and the Devil was immediately on'
her fide.— ^ell. Sir, much good may do you with your
I^illrefs» and may you lovfe and live, and llarve together.
\Going.
E. W. Hold, Sir, T was lately your Prifoner, now yoa
are mine ; when the J^^^^C^ment is e;cecuti:d, you ftuH be
4t Liberty,
Tie Twin-Rivds. 77
Y. W. Eeaincnt !
E. W, "Scs, Sir, by this time, I hope, my Friends
have purged my Father's Hoafe of that debauch'd' and .
i-iotQus Swarm that yoir had hiv'd together.
Y. W^ ConAifion^ Sir, let me pals ; I am the Elder,
and will be qbey'd. [Draws^
E. ^. Dar'ft thou difpute the Elderfhip fo nobly ?
Y. IV. I d^e, and will, to the lafi Drop or my inve«
teraie Blood. \Theyfgbt.
Enter Trueman and Tcague. Trueman Jirtkes down their
Siuords,
True. Hold, hold f my Lord, I have brought thofc
flurll foon decide the Controverfy.
Y. ff. IF I miHake not^ this is the Villain that decoy 'd
me abroad.
[Runs at Trueman, Teague catchei his Arm behind^
and takes a'OJCty bis Sivord,
Tea. Ay» be me Shoule, thifh ifli the be(ht Guard
upon the Rules of Fighting, to catch a Man behind his
Back.
Trui. My Lord, a Word : [Wbi/pers E, Wou'dbe.]
Now, Gentlemen, pleafe to hear this venerable Lady.
[Goes to the Doer and brings in Midnight.
E. W. Midnight in Cuftody !
Tees, In my Cuflitody, fet..
TrM$» Now, Madam, you know what Panifhment is
^ftiffiM for the Injury offered ta Aurelia, if you don't im*
mediately confefs the Truth.
Msd^Thtu I muft own, (Heaven forgive me) [f^eefing^
Itan&oWUt ihsLtHermeSf as he was itill efteem'd, fo he
is Ch« Firft-born.
Tea. A very honeft Woman, be me Shoule.
Y. J^. That Confeilion is extorted by Fear, and there-
fore of 00 Force.
Tnn^ Ay, Sir, but here is your Letter to her, with
the Ink fcarce dry, where you repeat your Offer of Five
IKitfdred Pound a Year to (wear in your Behalf.
'Toeu Dat was Teague*s Ending out, and I believe St.
Psurkkf^ it in my Thoughts to pick her Pocl'wts.
G 1; Enter
71^ T&e Tivin-Rivalii
Enter Conftance and Aurelia.
Con, I hope, Mr« Woud'be^ you will make no Attempts^
upon my Perfon.
¥• W. Damn your Perfon.
E. W. But pray. Madam, where haive yoa been all:
this Evening ? [Ttf.Aurelia.
Jur, Very bufy^ I can afTure you, Sir; here's an ho-
»efl Conflable that I could find in my Heart to marry ».
Jhad the greafy Rogue but one Drop of- genteel Blood in^
his Veins; what's become of him ?- {hooking about ^,
Con, Blefs me,, Coufin, marry a Condable !:
Jur, Why truly^ Madam, if that Conftablc had not.
oome in a very critical Minute, by thii Time I had been;
glad to marrr any Body.
Trui,.l take you at your Word, Madam, you fhaU:
marry him this Moment; and if you don't fay that L
have genteel Blood in my Veins by to-morrowMorning-^
Jur, And was it you. Sir ?
True. Look'e, Madam, don*t be afham'd; I found'
you a little in dijhabillt^ that's the. truth oa't, but yoa?
made a brave Defence.
Jur. I am oblig'd to you ; and tho* you were a Ihtlc
whimfical to-day, this late Adventure has taught me ho W'
dangerous it is to provoke a Gentleman by ill Ufage;
therefore, if my Lord and this Lady will (hew us agood^
Example, I think we mu^ follow our Leaders^ , Captain,.
^7rui, As boldly as when Honour trails*
Con. My Lord, there was taken apong your Brother's
jovial Crew, his Friend SubtUman^ whom we have takeiif
care to fecure^
E. ^. Forhim the tillory; forjonj Mad&m*—
\T9 Midtiighl..
5r#tf. Be me Shoale, (he /hall be mariieid to Maiftto^
lulUr,
£. W, For you, Brother!'—
y. W, Poverty and Contempt
Ttf fwhich lyie'das to a mitdtr Fate^^
Tban Obligations from the Man I batt^ [Exit.
E. W. Then take thy Wiih And now, I hope, all
Parties have receiv'^ their doc Rewards and Paniihmenti.
Jta. But what will you do for poor Teagm, Maiihter ?
The Twin-Rivals. 79
E. jr. What (hall I do for thee ?
Tia. Arah, maak me a Jaftice of Pealh, dear Joy.
£. JiT.. Jaftice of Peace I thou art not qualified* Man;
Tml Yttt, fet am I— ~I can take the Oats* and write
njr Mark— r can be an. honefht Man myOielf* and keep
a great Rogue for my Clerk.
£. IF. Well, well, you (hall be taken Care of; and
now. Captain, we/et out for Happmcfs. ■ 1 ■
Let none defpair; lobate^er their Fortunes he^
Fortune muft yields tjuou^d Men hut aQ like me.
Chufe a brave Friend as Part'ner ofyour Breaftf
Be a£live when your Right is in Contefi ;
£e true to Love, and Fate will do the refi^
\
BPI-
f . «<» J
E p I L o Gf tr E.
Spofccnr by A ur r e l i A.
f)UR Poet opened nvitb a loud tunrlike Blajlf
^ But notw nueak Woman is hisfafeft Cafi,
To bring him off with Quarter at the loft :
Not that he^j vain to think, that I can Jay,
Of he can nx^ritefine Things to help the Play,
The fvariout Scenes have drained his Strength and Art ;.
And h you kno^-w^ had a hard Jfrug^ling PxLrt :
But then he brought me offnuith Life and Limb \-
Ah ! Wou^d that t cou*d do as much for him^-'-^
Stay, let me think — yvttr' Fonfom's to^ excite,
Iftill mufi aa the Parf^ If^^d ier^nigbt*
For ^whatJeeW may heyoutjiy^ Pretence 9
Yau like tbofe beft tBaf mah tie Ikft Defence :
But this is needlefs^^^Tiiin^^ain to crave itf
Jfyou have damned the Play, no Power can favi it »•
ifot ail the Wits ^Athens, and of Rome ;
Not Shakefpcare, Johnfon, cou*d revoke its Doom :■
Nay, vohai is more if once your Anger roufet^ .
Not all the courted Beauties of hot h Houfes,
He vooiCd hoFve ended hert,'^but I thought matf
To tell him there vtas left onefafe Retreat,
froteHionfaered at the Ladies Feet.
To that he anfiwer*d in Jubmffsve Strom,
He paid ail Homage to this Female Reign,
Akttherefere turn' d his Satyr ^gainft the Mew.
From your great ^een, this fovereign Right yi draw,
To keep the With *^ A '-^^ IVorld, in Avttn
E p r L o .G u e:
r ifigbt Sceptre, your bright Eyei thej iow ;.
0W3fml Splendor Jits on e*very Broto^
tatuUUon the Sex oufrr Treajon now.
^Uff can tell with lubai poetic Caret
honied to redrefs the injured Fair,
\fjou tuon^t proteB, the Man nuilldamn him there.
fave the Mufi that flies to you for Aid\
2ps my poor Requefi may fomt per/uade,
ife it it thefirft I ever made^
THE
T H E;
Recruiting Officer r
C O M E D Y.
As it is Acted at th«
THE A T R E.R O Y A.L
eOTENT garden;.
• Captique dolts, donifque coaBi,
Vir. Lib. II. i£neid.
I O N D O N:
IiintcdforT. Caslon, and T. Lowndbk
M«DCC,LXXII.
[ 3 ]
TO ALL
Friends round the Tf^rekin.
My Lords and Gentlmtnt
INflcad of the mercenary ExpeAationi that attend Ad-
, drefles of thii Nature, I hiunbly beg that this may be
fcceived as an Acknowledgment for the Favours yoi*
have already conferred ; I have tranf^eiTed the Rules
of Dedication, in offering you any thing in that Stile^
without ?ir^ aflcing your Leave : But the Entertainmenl
I found in Shropfi>irei commands me to be grateful, and
that's all I intend.
It wa»my good Fortune to be ordered fome time ago
into the Place which is made the Scene of this Comedy;
I was apcrfeA Stranger to every thing mSalopy but its
C^ra^er of Loyalty, the Number of its Inhabitants, the
Aiacrity of the Gentlemen in Recruiting the Army, with
their generous and hofpitable Reception of Strangers.
^ This Charadter I found fo amply verified in every Par-
UCttlap, that you made Recruiting, which is the greateil
Faitigiie upon £af th to others, to be the greated Pleafur e.
ifit the World f me.
TjNf Kingdom cannot fhew^ better Bodies of Men^ . be t-^
icr IncUiiattona for the Service, more Generofity, more-
good Underilanding, nor more Politeneisj than is to. be
S>tnid- at the Foot of the Wrekin,
SoHie little Turns of Humour that I metwi^ almolt
within the Shade of that famous Hill, gave the Rife to
ihia Cogiedy ; and People wei-e apprehenfive that, by the
Examgle.-
4 ^he Epiftle Dedicatory/
Example of fome others, I would make the Town mtrtf
at the Expence of the Country-gentlemen : But they for**
got that I was co write a Comedy, not a Libel ; and that
whim 1 held to Nature, no Perfon of any Character i»
your Couiitry could fufFcr by being expos'd. I have
drawn the J u (lice and the Clown in (heir Puris Natura-^
libtts ; the one an apprehenfive, fturdy, brave B4ockhead;
and the other a worthy, honeft, generous Gentleman,
hearty in his Country's Caufe, and of as good an Under-
ilanding as I could give him, which I rouft confefs is far
ihon of his owft.
I humbly beg leave to interline a Word or two of the
Adventures of the Recrwtin^ Officer up n ihe Ftage. Mr.
Rich, who commands the Comj^any for which thofe Re-
cruits were raifed, has defired me to acquit him before
the World of a Charge which he thinks lies heavy upon
him, for aftingthis Play on Mt. Durfeyh third Night.
Be it knonjoM untv all Men, iv thefe Pre/ents, That it ivas
my jIS and Deed^ or rather Mn Durfef% ; for he 'would
play his third Night againft the firll of mine. He brought
down a huge Flirht of frightful Birds upon me ; when
(Heaven knows) J had not a feather'd Fowl ia my Play,
except one fingle ICtte : But I prefendy made Piume b
Bird, becaufe of his Name, and Bras^n another, becaufe
of the Feather in his Hat ; and with thefe three I engaged
his whole Empire, which I think was as great a frondfr
as any in the Sun.
But to anfwer his Complaints more gravely, the Seafon
was far advanced ; the Officers that made the ^reateft
Figures in my Play were all commanded to their Pofti
abroad, and waited only for a Wind, which might pof-
fibly turn in lefs than a Day: And I know none df Mr.
Durftys Birds that had Potts abroad bnt his fFo^dcocks^
and their Seafon is over ; fo that he might put off a Day
with lefs Prejudice than the Recruitittg Officer could ; who
has this farther tafay for himfelf, thatJie was pofted be-
fore the other fpoke^ and could not with credit recede
from his Station.
Thefe and fome other Rubs this Comedy met with
before it appeared. But on the other hand, it had
powerful Helps to fet it forward : The Duke o£ Ormcnd
encouraged the Aiuhor^. and. the Earl of Orretj approved
the
Tie Epifile Dedicatory. 5
ly. My RicruitJ were rtvirwed by my General and
(uul^ and could not fail to pa/s Mufter ; and ftili
to my Saccdsy they were raifed amoa^ roy Friends
'irWrekin.
B Health has the Advantage over oar other cele-
Toads, never to grow worfe for the Wearing :
lafling Beauty, old without Age, and common
It Scandal. That you may live long to fet it
illy round, and to enjoy the abundant Pleafure*
r/air and plentiful Country^ is the hearty WiQi oC
My Lords and Gentlemertf
Tour moft Oiltgid,
And mofl ciedfifU ServoMtf
G. FARQ.UHAR,.
T H B
i^i
C 6 1
THE
PROLOGUE.
JN anttint Timef nvhtn Hellen*^9 fatal Cbarmr
Rouz^d the contending Um*verfe to Armt^
7Jbe Graecian Council happily deputes
7 be Jly UlyfTcs forth to raife Recruits.
Tbe artful Captain, founds ^without Dilqy^^
Where Great Achilles, a Deferter^ lay.
Him Fate had nuarttd to Jhun the Trojan Blo'ws :■
Him Greece required againft their Trojan Foeu
All their recruiting Arts ijoere needful here^
To raife this greats this tijrCrous Volunteer.
Ulyffes lAjell could talk — be firs, he nxarms
The nvarlike Youths-He lift ens to the Charms
Of Plunders^ fine lac*d Coats ^ and glitf ring Arms.
ITlyfles caught the young afpiring Boy^
And lifted him miho 'wrought the Fate of Troy.
Thus by Recruiting ivas bold Hc^or fain:
Recruiting thus fair Hellen did regain.
If for one Hellen fuch prodigious Things
iVere aBed^ thai they even l^ed Kings |
If for one Hellen's artful, <uicious Charms,
half the tranf ported TVorld <was found in Arms ;
What for fo many Hellens may we dare,
tVhofe Minds as well as Faces are fo fair V
PROLOGUE.
xf Hellen's Eyes, OU Greece cot^d find
imerfir^dto 'write , ev*n Homer blind i
ritoos fure beyond compare may ixjrite^
vi9^/o mofy Hellens e-vty Night.
D R A-
DRAMATIS PERSONJE.
^C OVEN T.GARDEN, J772.
MEN.
Captain Plume,
Mr. Smith.
Worthy,
Mr. Du-Billamy.
juftice Bal lance ^
Mr. Hull.
Buliock,
Mn DunfialL
Captain Brazen,
Mr. Wood<ward,
Kite,
Mr. Morris^
WOMEN,
Mdinda,
Mrs. Baker.
Sji*via,
Mrs. Lejpngham.
Lucy,
Mrs. ?itt.
Rtfe,
Mrs, Kni'veton,
Conftable, Recruits, Mob$ Servwts and AttendanU.
5CENE, SHREfFSBURr.
w y» .i»iM^<>^fc > <gN t>
v^ ^\ ^^ ••% ^\ ^^ ^^ i^i /^ ^s ^^
THE \
Recruiting Officer.
ACT I.
SCENE, The Markef -Place. Drumbeats
the Granadier-march.
Enter Serjtant Kite, folJonv*/^ by Thomas AppIe-TrCfi,
Coltar Pear-main, and the Mob.
Kite«f<7<f/»f *^i<^'^c£'^F any Gentlemen Soldiers, or
A Speech. 4r* 5t^^^ others, have a mind to ferve
4ft^ J ^3* her Majefty, and pull down
^W\ )fe3* ^^^ French King : If any
*0k.^^ ^r 'P^^'^^^ces have fevere Matters,
^S^SarSjf'Sftf'* any Children have undutiful
Parents : If any Servants have too little Wages, or any
Halband too much Wife : Let them repair to the noble
Serjeant Kite, at the Sign of the Ranjin, in this good
Town of SbrenjL'Jhury, and they fhall receive prefent Re-
lief and Entertiinment. Gentlemen, I don't beat
my Drums here to infnare or inveigle any Man, for yoa
muft know, Gtntlemen, that I am a Man of Honour :
Beiides, I doa't beat up for ccumon Soldiers; no^ I lift
2 only
10 The RtcruUing Offiar.
t)nly Granadiers, Granadiers« Gcntlcmen-^Pray, Gtn*
tlemen, obferve this Cap— i his is the Cap of UoDoar,
it dubs a Man a Gentleman in the drawingof a.Trickef i
«nd he that has the good Fortune to be born fix Foot
iiigh, was born to be a grtfat Man— -Sir, will you give
me leave to try this Cap upon your Head?
Coft. Is there no harm in't ? Won'^t the Cap lift me ?
Kite, No, no, no more than I can— -Come, let mc
^ee how it becomes you,
Cofi, Are you fure there be no Conjuration in it ? No
Gunpowder Plot upon me ?
Kite. No, no. Friend ; don't fear, Man.
Coft. My Mind mifgives me plaguUy — Let me fee it
^Going to put rt on"] It fmells woundily of Sweat and .
Brimftone. SmeWTummaf^
Tho. Ay, wauns does it.
Coft, Pray, berjeant, what Writing is. thi« upbc the
Face of it ?
Kite. The Crown, or the Bed of Honour.
Cofl, Pray row, what may be that fame Bed of Ho»
nour ?
Kiie. O ! a mighty large Bed ! bigger by half than the
• great Bed at ^^ir^i— '— ten thoufand People may lie in it
together, and never feel one another.
Coft, My Wife and 1 would do well to lie in't, for wc
tibn't care for feeling one another.— —«fiut do Folk ileep
found in this fame Bed of Honour.
Kite-. Sound > Ay, fo found that they never Vake*
Coft. Wauns. I I wilh again that my Wife lay there.
Kite, Say you fo! Then, I. find, Brother —
Coft, Brother ! Hold there Friend ; I am no Kindred
to you that I know of yet Look*e» Serjeant, no
• Coaxing, no Wheedling, d'ye fee— If I have a ipind to
lift, why fo If not, why *tis not fo—— therefore take
.your Cap and your BrotherOiip back again, for I am
not difpofed at this prefent Writing No Coaxing, no
jBrorhering me. Faith.
Kite. I coax ! I wheedle ! I'm above it ! Sir, I have
feiv'd twenty Campa:;^^ii5 — But, Sir, you talk well, and
J mull own ;! .^t yn; are a Man every Inch of yen, a
pretry youn;; :f rij''..;', Kellow 1 love a Fellow with a
Sp.rit; hvrl'i ic^:.. t:> coax, 'lis bale: Tho' 1 xnuil fay,
^ that
Tie Recruiting Officer. 1 1
%Mt never in my Life had T feen « Man belter built !
iow firm and ftrong he treads ! He ftept like a CalUe ;
bat I fcom to wheodle any Man^Come Jioneft Lad, will
yon take Share of a Pot-? .
Coji. Nay, for that Matter, 1*11 fpend my Penny with
the bed he that wears a Head, that is, begging your
Pardon, Sir, and in a fair Way.
Kite. Give me your Hand then ; and now Gentlemen,
I have no snore to fay, but this— Hate's a Purfe of Gold,
and there is a Tub of -humming Ale at my Quarters'——
'Tis the Queen's Money, and the Queeo'a Drink — She's
a generous Qucea, and loves her Subjeds 1 hope.
Gentlemen, you won't rcfufe the Queen's Health ?
M M»t. No, no, no.
Kite, Huzza then ! huzza for the Queen, and the Ho-
nour of Shrofjbire,
Ml MoL Huzza !
" Kite. Beat Drum. [Exeunt Shoutings Drum ifeating ef
Grenadier^ s March,
Enter Plume in a Riding Bahit.
Plume, By the Grenadier March that (hou'd be my
Dmm ; and by that Shout, it ihou'd beat with Succefs
—Let me fee — Four o'Clock— -[Ziotfi/«^ en hit Watch ]
At Ten Yciierday Morning 1 left London A hun-
dred and twenty Miles in thirty Hours is pretty fmart
Riding, but. nothing to the Fatigue of Recruiiiog.
Enter Kite.
Kite^ Welcome to Shre^fiury^ noble Captain : From the
Banks of the Danube to the Severn Side, noble Captain,
you're welcome.
Pluau. A very elegant Reception indeed, Mr« Kite.
I ^nd you are fairly enter'd into your Recruiting Strain :
-r^rayjwhtt.Saccels ?
Kite, 1 have been here a Week, and I have recruited
live!
Plnmi. Five ! Pray what are they ?
Kite. I have lifted the firong Man of Kentt the King
of the GjpfieSi a Scotch Pedlar, a Scoundrel Attorney,
and a Welch Parfon.
Plume. An Attorney ! Wert thou mad? Lift a Lawyer !
Difcharge him, difcharge him this Minute.
Kite. Why, Sir \
Vol. 11, H Plume.
12 Tie Rfcruhing Officer.
Plume. Bccaufe I will have Nobody in. n^ Company
that can write ; a Fellow that can write> can draw-Peti*
tions — I fay this Nflinute difcharge him.
Kite. And what (hall I do with the Parfon ^
Plum. Can he write i
Kite. Hum f He plays rarely npon thePidcHe.
Plume. Keep him by all means Bat how ftands the
Country afFeded i Were the People pleas'd with the
News of my coming to Town ?
Kite. Sir, the Mob are fo pleasM with your Honour,
and the Jullices and better Sort of People are £o delight-
ed with me, that we ihall feon do your Bufinefs ~^«
But, Sir» you have goi; a Recruit here that you little
chink of.
Plume. Who?
Kite. One that yon beat «p for th;e lad time you fitn
an the Country : You remember your old Friend Millj at
the Cattle?
Plume. She's not with Child, I hope.
Kite. No, no. Sir— fhe was brought to bed Yefterday*
Plume. Kite, you muft father the Child.
Kite. And fo her Friends will oblige me to marry the
Mother.
Plume. If th^y fhouM, w^^ll take her with us ; (he cam
waih you know, and make a Bed upon occafion.
Kite. Ay, or unmake it upon occafioa. But your
Honour knows that I am married alfeady.
Plume. To how many I
Kite. I can't tell readily— i hare iet them down here
upon the back of the Mufler-roU. [Draws it out."] Let
me (tt-^ Imprimis^ Mrs. Sbely Snikerejes^ (he fells Potatoes
upon Ormond Key in DutUn — Peggy Guzxle, the Brandy
Woman, at the Horfe-Guards at IVlniehall-^Doffj ^etg*
gon^ the Carrier's Daughter at ^«//~— Mtdamoifefle
ran-hottom-flat at the Bufs — ^1 hen Jenny Oakbam^ die
Ship Carpenter's Widow, at Portfmoutb \ but I, don't
reckon upon her, for (he was marned at the fame Time
to two Lieutenants of Marines, anfl a Man of War's
Bo&tfwain.
Plume. A full Company-^ You have nam'd five— —
Come, ma;c 'em half a dozen {^-iT/Vi^— is the Child a
Boy or a Girl ?
KU$.
ftbe Recruiting Officer. i^
Kifi. A Cheeping Boy.
Ptmau. Then let the Mother down in yoar Lift, and
the Boy in mine : Enter him a Grenadier by the Name
of Francis Kite, abfent opon Furlow I'll allow you a
Man's Pay for his Subd^nce, and now go comfort the
Wench in the Straw.
Kite. 1 fliall. Sir.
Plume. But ho1d» have you iriade any u(e of your Cer^
matt Dodor^s Habit fince you arrived ?
Kite. Yes, yes, Sir, and my Fame^s all about the
Country for the moil faithful Fortune-teller that ever told
« Lie. — I was obliged to let. my Lai^dlord into the Secret^
for the Convenience of keeping it fo ; but he's an honeil
Fellow, and will be faithful to any Roguery that is
trnfted to him. I'his Device, Sir, will get you Men»
and me Money, which, I think,' is all we want at pre*
fcnt — But yonder comes your Friend, Mr. If^ertbf, ■ ■
Has your Honour any farther Commands ?
Plume. None at prefent. {Exit Kite.] 'Tis indeed the
FiAure of Worthy^ but the Life*s departed.
Enter Worthy.
What, Arms a-crofs, Worth! Methinks you (hould hold
Vm open, when a FriendV io near — Tne Man has got
the Vapours in his Ears, Lbelieve : I muft expel this
iDclancholy Spirit,
Spleen^ thou wrft ef Fiend§ htle*i»^
tly^ I cenjure thee^ hj this Magi< Blono.
^ : [Slaps Worthy w the Shealder.
Wer.Phmtl my dear Captain* welcome. Safe and
fimndretoiyi'dl
JP/mm. 1 'ic4>'d fafe from Germany, and Ibund, I hope^
from LenJen ;' you fee I have loft neither Leg, Arm, nor
Nofe : Then for my Iniide, 'tis neither troubled with
Sympathies jior Antipatkiet l and f have an excellent
j^tomach.' for Road^Beef.
War. Thoa art a happ]^ Fellow, once I was fo.
Plsmc What ails thee, Man? No Inundations nor
&aithquakc;s in Wales, 1 hope ? Has your Father rofe
fiom uie l)ead, and re-aifum'd his Mate I
W^. No.
Pkm. Then you are married furely,
H 2 IVftt.
14 Xhe Recruiting Officer.
Wor. No.
Plumi, Then yoa are mad, or turning Quaker*
Wor, Come» I muft out with it — — Your once gay*
joving Friend, is dwindled into an obfequious, thoughc*
ful, romantic, conf(ant Coxcomb.
Plume. And pray what is all this for?
Wcr, For a Woman.
Tiume. Give me thy Hand : If thou go to that, behold
me as obfequious, as thoughtful, and as confUnt a Cox-
comb as your Worfliip.
If^or. For whom ?
Plume, For a Regiment -But for a Woman ! -*Sdcath!
I have been conilaat to fifteen at a time, but never me-
lancholy for one, and can the Love of one brinj? you into
this Condition ? Pray, who is this wonderful Hghen !
Wer. A Hellen indeed* not <o Jbe won under a tea Yean
Sieee, as great a Beauty and as grea^t a Jilt.
Plume. A Jilt ! Pho I Is {he as gr^ai m Whore ?
Wcr. No, no.
Flume. 'Tis ten thoafand pities : Bat who is (he ? l)o
I know her?
Wor. Very well.
Plum. That's impofliblc— I know no Wom*n tbot will
liold out a ten Year*s Siege.
fVer. What think ye of MelMa f
Plume. IfUlinda I Why fhe began to Capitulate this
time Twelve-month, ana offered to Surrender upon ho«
nourable Terms ; and I advis'd you to propofe a Settle*
ment x>f five hundred Pouads t-Year to her, beforo I
went laft abroad.
Wor. I did, and (he hearken'd to it, defiring only one
Week to. confider When, beyond her Hopes, the
Town was re}iev'd> and \ forc'd to turn my Siegr into »
blockade.
plume. Explain, explain.
Wor. My Lady Richly^ her Aont in f Umpire dies, and
leaves hf^y at this critical Time, twenty thon(and Poanda,
Plume. Oh the Devil I What a delicate Woman was
there fpoil'd! 3ut by the Rules of War nowr-IP*r/ify,
Blockade was (boli(h<- After fuch a Convoy of Provifions
Avns enter'd the Place, yoa could have no thought of
/educing it by famine ; you ihould have redooblcd your
Acuck^
The RecruUing Officer. $•
Attacks, taken the Town, by Storai» or Iiave died upor.
the Breach.
. ff^or». I did make one general AiTiult, and piifh*d it
with all my Forces ^ but I was To vigoroudy repuU'd,
that defpairing of ever gaining hrr for a Miftrefs, 1 havft
altered my Condudr given my Addrcffct the obrcquiouf
and diilant Turn, andcourt her now for a Wife.
Plume. So as you grew Obfequious^ (he grew Haugli-
ty; and becaufe you approach*a her as a (uoddefs, (he
us*d you like a Dog.
ff'or. Exaaiy.
* Plume, 'lis the way of 'era all.— —Come, JVo't^w
yoar obfequious and diilanc Airs will never brin^ you
together ; you mu(b not think to furmojiU her Pride by
your trumility : VVou'd you bring her t > better Thouzhu
of you, (he mnft be reduced to a meaner Opinion of her-
ielt. Let me fee, the very firil thing that I would do,
' (hould be to lie with her Chamber-maid, and hire ttiiee
or four Wenches in the Neighbourhood to report that I
had got them with Lhild— — Suppoie we L^mpoon'd all
the pretty Women in Town, and left her out ; or, what
if W0 made a Ball, and forgot to invite Iler with one or
two of the Uglielb.
Wor. Thefe wou'd be Mortifications, I mud confer:
but we live in fuch a precife, dull Place, that we can
have no Balls, no Lampoons, no
Plume. What ! no Baftards ! and fo many Recruiting
Officers' in Town ! ] thought *twas a Maxim amnu^
them, to leave as many Recruits in the Country as they
carried out.
iVor. Nobody doubts yoor good Will, noble Captain,
in ferving your Country with your bell Blood, witnefs
ear Friend Jlitf/i^ at iheCaftle; there have .been Tears
in Town about that Bu/inefs, Captain.
Plume. 1 hope Sybvid has not heard of it.
,W§r. O, Sir, have you thought of her ? 1 began to
fimcy yon had forgot poor Sylvia.
Plums. Your Affairs had quite put mine out of my^
Head. *Tis true, Sjlvia and I had once agreed to go
to Bed together, could we have adjulUd Preliminaries;
but (he wou'd have the Wedding before Confumma-
doo, as I was for Confummation before the Wedding ;
H 3 we
1 6 fi^e Recruiting O^cer.
we cou'd not agree. She was a pert, obftinate Foc^^
and wQtt'd lofe her Maidenhead her-own way, fo (he m^jr
kceo it for Plume.
iror-s But do yoa intend to marry upon no other Coji-
ditions ?
Plume. Your Pardon, Sir, Til maryy upon no Condi-
tion at all.-— — If I fhould, I am refolv'd nevpr to bind
myfelf to a Woman for my whole Life, till I know whe-
ther I ihall like her Company for half an Hour. Sup--
pofe I married a Woman that wanted a Leg fuch a
thing might be, unlefs I examined the Goods before-
hand— — if People would but try one anothci's Confl^a-
tions before they engag'd» it would prevent all tbefe
Elopements, Divorces, and the Devil knows what.
Wor. l^SLjj for that matter, the Town did not Hick X9
^Yf that —
P/tmf. I hate Country-towns for that Reafon ■■ if
yottr Town has a dilhonourable Thought of Sylvia^ it
deferves to be burnt to the Ground. J lovft Sylwa, I
admire her frank, generous Difpofition— There's fome-
thing in that Girl more than Wom)»n, her Sex is but (a
Foil to her. The Ingratitude, DiflimulatAn, Envy,
Pride, Avarice, and Vanity of her Sifter Females, do
but iet off their Contraries in her — In (hort, were I onco
a General, I would marry her.
ITer. Faith, you have Reaibn-—i^for were you but a
Corporal, (he wou'd niarry you— —But my Meiimla co-
quets it with every Fellow (he fees — 1*11 lay Fifty Poan4s
flie makes I.dve to you.
P/ume, ril lay you a Hundred that I return it» if (he
does— — Look'e, IVcrthy^ TU Win her, and ^ve her to
you afterwards.
Wor, If you win her, you ftall wear ker, Faith ;
I would not value the Conquefl, without the Credit of
the Victory.
Entir Kite.
Kite. Captain, Captain, a W^ord in your Car.
Plume. You may /peak out, here are none but Friends.
Kite, You know. Sir, that you fenl me to' comfort the
f{ od Woman in the Siraw, Mrs. Molly — my Wife, Mr.
Worthy.
Wor. O ho! very well, I wifliyou Joy^ Mr^ Bu.
tit^^crmting Officer. ity
; Y<Mir Worlbip very well mty-^— -fcr I have got
. Wife and Child in half an Hour— <^But as I was
—You fcnt me to comfort Mrs. JW!»/^r— my Wife I
-'But what d'ye thuak>. Sir ^ 8he was better corn-
before I cams.
M9, As how I
. Why, Sir, a Footman' in" a blbc livery had
lit her ten Guineas to buy her Baby Clothes.
ne. Who, in the Name of Wonder could fend
^ Nay^ Sir, I muft whifper that— Mm. Syl<Dia.
min Syhim / Generous Creaturel
^. Sylwa^ lm^o&ki6\
u Here are the Goincae, Sir.-— I tooft the' Gold as'
if my Wifc*8 Portiouv Nay, farther. Sir, (he fent
the Child (honld be taken all imaginable Care of,
lat (he intended to Hand God*mptfaer. The fame
ian,.its I was coming to you «rith this News, caird
ne, and told me, that his Lady would fpeak with
[ went, and upon hearing that you were come to
4 mt gate me half a Guinea for the News ; and
d me to tell you, that Juftice Ballanctt her Father*
» juft come cot of the Country, would be glad to
wtf. There's a GirT for youj Worthy^ — Is there any
of 'Woman in this? No, 'tis noble, generous,
' Friend (hip j ihew me another Woman that would
Q Inch of her" Prerogative that way, without Tears,
and Reproaches. The common Jealou fy of her
which is nothing but their Avarice of Pleafure, (he
es ; and can part with the Lover, tho' (he dies for
laii— — -Come, ^i^r/^;-— Where's the beft Wine ?
liere I'll, quarter.
r. Horton has a fre(h Pipe of choice Barcelona^
1 1 would not let him pierce before, becaufe i re-
the Maidenhead of it for yonr Welcome to Town.
im§. Let's away then — Mr» Kite, go to the Lady
my humble Service, and tell her, I (hall only
h a little, and wait upon her.
»r. Hold, iT/Vf,— have you fccn the other Recruit^
:aptain ?
H 4 Kitt.
1 8 The Recruiting Officer.
Kile N9, Sir, I'd have yon to know I don't keep facu3
Company,
' Phme. Another \ Who is he ?.
If'or^ My Rival in the firft place» and the moft unac-
countable Fellow but rU tell you more at we go. '
[^Exeunt,
SCENE, An JpartmtnK
Melinda and Sylvia nuttii^.
Mel. Welcome to Town, Cooiin Syl<via^ [Safute,']\
tnvy'd you your Retreat in the Country t far Slnw^'^jf
methinks, and all your Heads of Shir^s> are the moft
irregular Places for living ; here we have Smbak, Noife,
Scandal, AfFeftation, and Pretenfion ; in ihort, every
thing to give the Spleen— -and nothing to divert it-* then
the Air is intolerable.
SjJ. O Madam! I have heai?d the Town commended
for its Air.
Mtir But you don't confider, Sjhia, how long I have
lived' in*c ! for 1 can affure you, that to a Lady, tbe leaft
nice in her Conftitution — n6 Air can be good^bove half
a Year. Change of Air, I take to be the mofiPagreeable
of any Variety ui Life.
Sj/. A9 you fay, Couiin M^indm, there are feveral
foit of Airi.
Met i'lhaw 1 I talk only of the Air we breathe, or
more properly of that we talle Have not you, Sjivia,
found a vaft difference in the Tafle of Airs ? . '
SyL Fray, Couiln, are not Vapours a fort of Air ?
ti^e Air! you might as well tell me, f may feed upon
Air: But prithee, my dear Melinda, don't put on iuch
an Air to- me. Your Education and mine were juft the
fame ; and I remember the time \\hen we never troubled
our Heads about Air, but when the (harp Air from the
If^e/cJb Mountains made our Fingers ake in a cold Morn-
ing ?t the Boarding-fcooi.
Mel. Our Education, Coufin, was the fame, but ou*
Temperaments had nothing alike; you have the Confli^
tution of an Horie.
Syi. So far as to be troubled with neither Spleen,
Cholic. nor \ apours ; I need no-Salts for my Stomach,
ftio ijart!>-horn for my Head, nor Waih for my Com-
ple^oa
ne RjBcruUing Officer. 19
p!eKon. I can gallop all the MorDing after the Hunt«
mg-horn. and alTclie Evening after a Fiddle. In fliort,'
1 can do every thing with my Father^ but drink> and
(hoot flying ; and Vm fure I can do every thing my Mo-
ther coa'd, were 1 put to the Trial.
MtL you are in a fair way of being put to*c ; for I am
tbld^your Captain is come to Town.
r Sj/U Ay, Milinda, he is come, and Til take Care he-
fliaVt go without a Companion.
M!r/. Yon are certainly mad, Coufm.
Sjl. • ■ Jfiif then^s a Pieafure Jure
In bting tnad^ *wbich none hni Madmen kno<w.
, Mef, Thou .poor Romantic ^xote ! Haft thou the
vanity to imagine, that a young fprightly. Oificer, that
rambles o*er half the Globe in half a Year, can confioe'
his Thoughts to the little Daughter of a Country Juilice,
in an obicure Part of the World ?
SjL P(ha ! what care I for his Thoughts ; I fhould not
.like a Man with confinM Thoughts, it (hews a narrow-
nefs of Sou). Conffancy. is but a dull ileepy Quality at.
-l^y they will 'hardly- admit it among the manly Virtues;
nor d9l think it.deferves a. Place with Bravery, Know-
"ledge. Policy,' Juftice, and Tome other Qualities that arc
proper to. that noble Sex. In (hort, Melinday J think a
Petticoat a mighty fimple Tilings and I am heariiiy tir'd
QfmySfXi.
• -iWifA Tlwfis.yon are tir'd ofaW Appendix to our
Sexy.th^t ]^ou can't fp haodfomely get rid of in Pett'u
coaby' as xf you were in Breeches,— ^--O' my Confcienrje,
^yMap. hadft thou been a Man, thou hadll been the
greateftHaike io Chriftendom. .
SjfL 1: fhould.h^vc-endeavonr'd to know the World,
which . a Man can never do thoroughly^ without half a
-}i«ndred<FriehdIhip$>^.and as many Amours ; but now!
think,on't,^how ft&nds your Affair witkMr. JVorthji?
• il^fif/ H^s'iny' Aver^^
Bfii V-apours!'
MeL What do you 6y,. Madam ?
^/.. ITayi that you (hbuld not ufe that honeft Fellow
forinhiiillMtDty)'. He's a Gentleman of Parts and Fortune ;
andibefidea. that, .he's my Piume\ Friend, and by all
H 5- . inur'5
20 The Ricrniting Ojjiicer.
that*t facred, if yon don't afe hiiabetter^ I (hall expe<
SatiBfa^ioiu
Mil. Satisfa^ion! you beg^n; to fancy yoarldf in
Breeches in good-eameft — ^jBut to be plain wiULyou,"!
like Worthy uie worfe for being io intimate witn yow
Captain^ for I take hiuk to be a loofe, idle, unmannerly
Coxcomb.
SjU O, Madam ! you never (aw him, perhaps, iince
you were Millre(s of twenty thoufand Pounds ; you only
knew him when you were capitulating with Worthy for
a Settlement, which perhaps might encourage him to be
a little loofe, and unmannerly with you,
Md, What do you meanj .Madam ?
SyL My Meaning needs no Interpretation, Madam.
MeL Better it had,. Madam s fon methinks yjou ar(
loo plain.
8yL If you mean the Plainnefs of my Perfon, I thinl
your Ladyfhip's as plain as me to the full.
MeL Were I fure of that, I would be glad, to take v\
with a Rakehelly Officer as you do^
Syl. Again ! Look'e, Madam,.. yQa!rc in yoar qwi
Houfe.
MeL And if you< had kept in your*8,. I (honld; luiTt
excusM you.
SyL Don't be troubled, Madam^ I (ha&?t defilfe to btfi
my Vifit retum'd..
MeL The fooner thereibre you make an.End of. this
the better.
^yL I am eafily perfuaded to follow my.Iadinationi
and fo, Madam, your humble Servant. \t»i
MeL Saucy thing (
Enter Lucy.
i/«f> What's the Matter, Madam ?
MeL Did you not fcie the proud Nodiing,.Itowib
fweird upon the Arrival o' her Fellow* . .
Lucn Her Fellow has not been .long eaoiieh . arH^M ^
occaiion any great Swellings Madamj L wstl beljev(
(he has feen him yet.
MeL Nor fhan't if I can helt> it— Let n>e fee-Hl h«^
it Bring me Eca and Inb-Wd, VM go-wutt. in nj
Clofct,
u
The Raruiiing Officer, 21
Inc. An Anfwer jto this Letter^ I hope, Madam f
\Prefinti a Leiier.
Mil. Who fcnt It ?
Luc. Your Captain, Madam.
MJ, He's 1 Fool, and rm tir*d of him, fend it back
' nnopen^d.
Luc. The Me(!enger*s gone, Madam,
MiL Then how ihoold 1 lend an Anfwet ? Call him.
back immediately, while I go write. [^Exiuut,.
^ Ui End of the FArft ACT.
A C T 11.
SCENE, An ApartmenU,
Enter JuJlice"B2\\9XiCt aud Plume.
Jial. T Qok'e, Captiin, give us . but filood for our
Xjj Money, and you ihan't want Men. 1 remem^
ber thati for foxne Years of the laH War, we had no
Bloodi no Wounds, but in the Officers Mouths; nothing
fiu-our Millions but News-Papers not worth a Readimgr
—Our Army did nothing but play at Prifon-bafe, and
bide and fe^k. with the Epemy ; but now ye have brought
US Colours, and Standards, and Prifoncrs ■ Ad's my
Life, Captain* get us bat another Marihal of Francis
and I'll go uxyMf for a Soldier-^—
Plnmi. Pfay, Mr. Ballance^ how does your fair
Paughter?. .
JW. Ah, Captain ? what is my Daughter to a Mar-
ihal of ftanci ! We're upon a nobler Su bje£l, I want to
have a particuUr Defcription of the Battle of Hochfiet-
Pbmu. The Battle, Sir, was a very pretty Battle aa
any, osje^ (hould df fire to fee, but we were all fo intent
upon Victory, that we never minded the Brittle : All
.^tiknowof the Matter, is, our General commanded
us to beat the French^ and we did fo ; and if he pleafes
. Jittt to lay the Word, we'll do it again. But pray, Sir,
'll^-does Mrs. f^/<v/«:^
Sal.
i2 ^th£ Reerutting Officer.
Bal Still upon Sylvia / For ftiame, Captain, yoo i
cngagM already, wedded to the War ; Viaory is your
Miilrefs, and hi% below a Soldier to thipk of any otheV.
Plume, As aMiftrefs, 1 confefs ; but as a Friend^ Mr.
Ballance'^'-^
BaU Come» come. Captain, never mince the MaUer»^
would not you debauch my Daughter, if yoa coold ?
Plume. How, Sir ! I hope (he*s not to be djebauch'd.
BaL Faith, but (he is. Sir ; and any WdmaBcia jE^—
land of her Age and Comple£lion, by a Man of your.
Youth and Vigour. Look*e, Captain^ oncft I was young, .
and once an Officer as you are ^ and Tcaa gueis at{yourr
Thoughts now, by what mine were then ;. and I remem-
ber very well, that! would have.- given. one of: my- Legs,
to have deluded the Daughter of an old Country Gentle--
man, as like me as J was thea like you?
Plumei But, Sir^ was that: Country. Gentlemaa your
Friend and Benefaiftor ?
BaL Not much of that?
Plume, There the Compaiiron breaks :^ the^FavoorSf,
Sir, that*
BaL 1^0,. pho^ I hate- fet. Speeches; if I' hare done
you any Service, Captain^ 'twas to pleale myfelf ; . I love
thee, and if I could pact with ^my Girl,- you (hould iiave
Yitx as foon as any. young Fellow I know : But- 1 hope -
you have more Honour than to quit the Service, and ine
more P/udence than to follow the Camp,; but ^€t at her.
own Difpofai, ihe has fifteea hundred •roamib ia her Poc-
ket, Sihd Co^-^Syivia^ Syhia^, [CaUsm:.
Jen/zr Sylvia. .
SyL There are feme Letters, Sir, come by the Poftr
from Ltndtfiy I left them upon theTable.in your Clofet.
BaL And here is a Gentleman from G/rM^n»f^ \Prtftmt.
Plume /i0 i^AT.] Captain yoa*ll excufetme, 1*11 gp and readc'
my Letters and wait On you.. [£';r^«
SyL Sir, you are welcome to jS*^«^.
Plume 4 Yoq are indebted to me a Weliiomef Madam»
fince the Hopes of receiving itvfrom> thia^r.Hand, was .
the principal Caufe of my feetn? England^-
SyL I have often heard, that Soldiers were fiilcere, .
(hall i venture to believe public Report ?
Pli/me, Yx)u.D[uy> when 't^ back'd by- private In^U*.
rapcci.
7T^£ Recruiting CJ^ir^r. 13
rtnce ; for I fwear. Madam, bv ihc Honour of my Pro-
fieflion, that'R'hatcver Dtfirfr» i urrt upon, ic «^d> uich
the Hope of making myfelf mere worthy of* > cur F.ilecm ;
and if ev^,1 had '1 noughts of prd'rrviog my Lirc» *c\vai
for the Pleafure of dying at your Feet.
Sjl Well, well, >vu fiiall die at my Fcei, cr whfre
you will ; bat you know« Sir, there is a ccruin Will aitd
Teflament to be made bcfbre-hand.
P/ame. My Will. Madam, is made already, and there
hit; and if yoi> pleafe to Ofen the Parchment, vbhkh
wai drawn the Eveniog before the fiat tic of i».V«rr./fr,
you will find whom I left my Heir.
IVaII,. Captain, this is a handtbme and & iubiUntial Com-
pliment ; but I caa afiiire you» I am much better plejfed
with the bare Knowledge of your Ic:.c:ion. ihark I
fliould have been ia the PolTelEoa of your Legacy : iSjt
methinks. Sir, you (hould hate IcU fomethisg ia yojr
little Boy at the C'/V.
Pimm, That's home, [-fi/r-] My Hale Toy • Lack a-
day, Madana, that a!one may con« iace yo j *iwa4 core
of mine ; why The Girl. Madam, is my Serjeani's Wife»
and (b the poor Creature gave out that I «ai Father, in
hopes that my Friends might fupport her in Cafe of NV-
cellity. — That was all, Nladam — My Boyi No, no, ao^
Emtr a Stnujit,
Str, Madam» my Mafler has rcceiv'.d fome x!! Ne*s
from £««/9«, and dedres to fpeak with you imoAu *it\y9
and he begs the Captain's Pardon* that he cac'i nait on
him as he promised.
P/nme. Ill News ! Heavens aiert It, soth-aj co^ld
touch me nearer than to fee that generojs worthy Gen-
tleman aAiAed : I'll leave you to comfort h m» ar.d b«
aflur'd, that if my lAfe and Fonune can be ary way (er-
viceable to the Father of my SjIwm^ he flull uecly com-
mand boih.
Sjl. The NeceSity muft be vciy prefling, that weald
engage me to endanger either. [Exconi Ji'UifUj.
SCENi^
2*4 ^ts Recruiting Officer,
SCENE, Jnotber Jpmrm$ni4
Enter Ballance and Sylvit,
Syl, Whilft there if Life, there ia Hope, Sir? perhaps
my Brother may recover.
Bal. We have but little Reafon to expeft it ; Doaor
Killman tcquaints me here, that before this comes co ay
Hands, he fears I fliall have no Son-^«Poor O^wen /-r— -
But the Decree is juft, I was pleafed with the Death of
Ttif F^'thrr, becaufe he left me an Eft'ate, and now 1 am
punifliM i^ith the Lofs of an Heir to inherit mine 1 1
mull now look upon you as the only Hopes of my Fa-
mily, and L exped that the Augmentation of your Por-
mne will give you frclh Thoughts, and new ProfpeAs^
Sji. My Defire of hieing punctual in my Obedience re-
quires thrt you would be plain in vour Commands, Sir.
Bal. The Death of your Brother makes you fole
Heirei's to my Eftate which you know is about twelve
hundred Pounds a Year : .- his i-'ortune gives you a fair
Claim to Quality, and a Title ; you mi\lt fct a juH Value
upon yourfelf, and in plain Terma, think no more o£
Captain Plume,
SyL You have often commmended the Gentleman, Sir.
Isal. And J do fo llill. he s a veiy pretty Fellow ; but
tho' I likM him well en.^ugh for a oare Son-in*Iaw, I
don't approve of him for an. Heir to my Rl^ate and Fa-
mily ; fifteen hundred Pounds indeed I might trull in his
Hands, and it might do the you.g Fi'How a Kindnefs»
but— odds my Life, twelve hundred Pounds a- Year would
r4iin him, quite turn his Rrain : A Captain of Foot
worth twelve hundred Pounds a-Year! 'lis a Prodigy in:
N«ture : Bcfides this, I have five or fix thpufand Pounds
in Woods upon my Eftate, Oh ! that would make him
ilark n^ad : For yoa muft know, ihat all Captains have a.
mighty A*'c*rfi*)n to Timber, they can't endure to fee
Trees ftanoing : I'hen I fliould have i'ome Rogue of a.
■ Builder, by the help. of 'hi^ damn'd m.igic Art, transfofm'
my noble-Oak^ and Etms into v. orniihcs, Portals^ Sa(he>
Bii ds, Bc.ifts, and Devils, to adorn fome magotty, new-
faihionM Bauble upon the Thames \ and then J (hould
have a Dog of a Gardener bring a habeas Corpus for my
T^erra
. TH Ricruising Vffiar:. > 15
TiHfM J^rmSf. remove ic to CM/gm,. 01 Tnpftintamt and:
dap it into Gsais-rplats and Gravel-walks*
S€r. Sir^.^^e't one with a Letter below for your Wor*
Bp^p but he will dlcliver it into no hands but your ownn
£mL Come» ihew me the Mellenger.
[Exii vaidf' Servant:
Sjl. Mkke the Difpute between Love and Duty, and
I am Prince Frutjmtm e^adly.— If my Brother dies, ah,
a Brother f' If he lives, ah, poor Sifter 1- *Tis bad
Ways ; Til try it again— Follow my own Ihclina*
tsosiv and break my Father's Heart ; or obey his Com-
mands, and break my own ;. worfe and worfe. SuppoTe
I take it ^y^th A moderate Fortune, a pretty Feilmv
mnd a Fad i or a fine Bftate, a Coach and Six, and )in.
Afa-— That lyill never do neither.
Efitir Juftici Ballance and aServauii.
Bai. Put four Horfes to the Coach. [T# « Servant <iu4#/
gHs outJ] Hoi Sylvia*.
Sfl. Sir..
How old were you when your Mother died T >
5;/. So young, that i don't remember L ever had one i
•ndyou: have l^en (b careful, fo indulgent to me £nce,
that. indeed I nevier wanted one..
Bal Have I ever denied you any thing you aikM of me t
Sf4. Never that I rei^ember..
£ai* Then^ Sylvia, 1 muft beg that once in your Life
jou would grant me*a favour..
SwL Why ftio^dd yon ^uellion it,i^r; . ■
£aL I don't,, but 1 would rather oouafel.than cool^*^
nand ; I don't prcipofe this wiith the Authority of a.Pa-
ieat» bet as the Advice of your Vriend i that you would
lake the Coach this. Moment, and go into the Country*
SjL Does this Advice, Sir, proceed from the Contents
.f f W» fc^tter ypu, receivM joft jnow }
Bal. No matter, I will be with you in three or four
Days, and then give you my ReaJbns.— Butibcfore you
ffif \ expc^ you will make me one fulemn Piomife.
. SjL Propofe the Thiog, -Sir.
' SaL That you will never difpofe of yourfdf to any
Maa^ without my Confent*
i>jL 1 promife.
t6i TBe Ricmiiing Cffidr.
Bal. Very wdl. and to be even with yoQ» T prdmife I
never will difpofe of vou wichooc your own Conienty and
ib, Sylwaf the Coach is ready; fareweU [Leads htrt§ i
the U9or; and r$tttms.'\ Now (he's gone» 1*11 examiiKe the }
Comefluof this Letter a licde nearer. ' [Ruii. |
SIR. I
1\aT InfimMty with Mr, Worthy ias drawn m Secret frm
•^^^^ bim, tbst be bmd /rem Af> Fritmd Captmm Plnoiai
and my Friendflnp and Relathn t§ yonr Family % obiiie m
to ghte yeu'timely Notice bf it : Tbe Certain bas dijbenwr-
able Defignt upon my Coufin Sylvia, E'uiii if tbis Nntmt
are more t^fify prrye^ited tban amended^ and tbat yvu wonii
immediateiy find my Confin into tbe Country^ is tbe Advia
ojj. Sir, ypnr linoble Servant,
MB'LJNDJ.
Why the DeviKs in the yonng Fellows of this Age, they
are ten Time!» worfe than they were in ny Tiffle;^ had
he made my Daughter a Whore» and forfwore'it Ukei
Gentleman, J could have alknoft pthrdon'd it ; bat tio
tell Tales before-hand it monftroiMi— — Hang it, I caa
fetch down a Woodcock or a Snipe^ and why not a Hit
and Feather ? I have a Cafe of good Piilols, and bave-ai
good mind to try.
Enter Wwthy..
Wortby I yoar Servant*
IVor. I'm forry. Sir, to beihe Mii&hgerof ilt'NeWi..
Bal. 1 apprehend it, Siry yoo haVe* heard . that nyt
Son, Owekf it pail Recovery^'
l^or. My Lettert ikj he>8 deady Sifi .
BaK He^t happy, and I*m fatisfied : The StN>ket bf
Heaven I ca» bear 4 bnt lajuriet Irom Meii>^ Mr. fTortbf^,
are not (o eafijy fupported.
^V. I hope, Sir, yottVe under aa ApprelKNifiDii.'tf
wrong from any Body. -
BaL You know 1 ought to be.- - • "■
ff'or. You. wrong my Honour, J» believing rcottId>
know any thing to your.Brejadice> without refentiog iti
at mucli ar you Should. .
Bal. T'-is Letter, Sir, wiiich.I teariii Pieceato'con^
.ceal;
The Recruiting Officer. 27
teal the Per(bn that fcnt it, informs me that PItmf has
a Dtfiign apon >jr via, and that you are privy io*t.
IP'gr, Nay then, Sir, 1 muft do myldf Juliice, and
endeavour to find out the Author, [fairs uf a Bif."] Sir,
I know the Handi and if you refufe to difcovcr the
Contents, yelinda fhall tell me. \Gcit!g,
' Bal. Hold, Sir, the Contents I have told you already,
only wih this Circumftance, that her Intimacy with Mi.
UJortly had drawn the Secret from him.
l/0r. Her Intimacy with me! Dear Sir, let tlie pick
op the Pieces of this Letter ; 'twill give me fuch a hank
upon her Pride, to have her own an Inu'macy under her
JHand : This was the luckicil Accident ! [Gntherhg. up
ihi Letter] The Afpcrfion, Sir, was norhing but Malice,
the EffcAof aiittleQiiarrel betvvern her and Mn-Sj/via.
JSa/^ Are you fureofthar, Sir?
WV. Her Maid gave me the Hiftory of part of the
Battle, jufl now, as Ihe over-heard it. But I hope. Sir,
your Daughter has fufFcr'd nothing upon the account.
BaL No, no, poor GitJ, Ihc's fo afflicted with the
News of her Hrothcr*8 Death, that to avoid Company,
Ihe begged leave to be gone into the Country.
i#V. And is Ihc gone?
Bel, I could not rcfufe her, (he was fo prefllng ; the
Coach went from the Door the Minute before you came.
I#V. So prefling to be gone. Sir! — I find her Fortune
will give her the fame Airs with il///iWa, and then P/ume
anJ r may laugh at one another.
BmL Like enough, Women are as fubje£t to Pride as
Mea are ; and wry mayn't great Women, as well as
great Men, forget their old .'Acquaintance ?•— But come,
there's this young Kdlow ? I love him fo well, it would
break the Heart of me to think him a Rafcal I'm
giad my Daughter's gone fairly off tho". [Jjii/e*] Where
doeii the Captain quarter ?
//«r. At Hsrfsn s; I am to meet liim there two Hours
hence, and wc Ihould be glad of your Company.
Ea\ Your Pardon, dear If'orthw Tmuft allv)w a Day
or two to the De.ith of my Son : The l)v.corum of
Mourning is what wc o • r the World, lu'caufc they pay
it CO us. After>\ards, I'm yours over a fiotiic, or how
you will.
a 8 Shi BjcruiUug OJker^
Wvr. Sir, Tm yooi humble Servant. [Bxeunt^v^afj^;. j
SCENE, thiStreit. i
Enter Kite, nAJub Codar Pear-main f« em Htmi^ nil \
Thomas Apple-tree m the tbtrt drunk, |
Kite/.^/.
Oirr ^Pnmtiei Tom maj mow reftfi j
^0 luipe his Scomnitii Mafitr's Sba44 ^
For noiv he* J free tefi-g and play ^ •
O'ver tbi hiuj and far anvay — Oow, &c*.
[The Mob fing the Chonn*
Wijhall had n^w^i bafff LifViSf
By getting rid of Bratt and ff^iviti
"ihat/coid and irawl bitb Nigbt and Dof^
Over tbe HiJ/i, and far a^ay-^Oafirg^ &c«.
Kite. Hey Boys f Thus we Soldiers live ! drink, fejv
dance, play : We live, as one (honld fay — we live— — ^
*^cis Impofliblc to tell how we live — We are all Princes-
Why — why, you are a King— You are an Emperor^ aod
I'm a Piincc — now — a'n't we —
Tbo, No, Serjeant, Til be no Emperoc
Kite. No I
7bo. No, Pll be a Juftice of Peace;
Kite. A Juflice of Peace, Man I
Tbo. Ay, wauns will 1 ; for fince this Preflxhg-aft
they are greater than any Emperor under the Sun.
Kite, Done: Youare a Julliceof Peace, and you are
a King, and I am a Duke, and a rum Duke^. a*n!t LI
Co/l Ay. but ril be no King,
Kite. What then?
Cofi. ril be a Queen*.
Kite. A Queen I
Ce^: Ay, Queen of England^ that*i greater than anf
King of *cm alli
Kite* Bravely faid, faith ; Hazza for the Queen. *
Wu:iza J] But heark'e, you, Mr. Juftice,' and you, Mr,.
Queen, did you never fee the Queen's Pidure ?.
Both. No, no, no.
Kite. I wonder at that ; I have two of "^n ftt in Gold,
and as like her MajeHy, God blefs the Mark. See here,.
they
7ie Recruiting Officer. 2^
they are fet in Goldk [Takes two Broad-pieces out of bis
' Pockety gives one to each,
^hc. The wonderful Works of Nature ! [f.ooii/ig at it,
Coft, What's this written about ? Here's a- Poly, 1 bc-
likevc^ Carro-dus — What's that, Serjeant?
Kite, O ! Carolus /'-^Why, Curolus is Latin for Queen.
jin%e ; that's all.
CoJ}. *Tis a fine thing to be a Scollard — Serjeant, will
you part with this ? iTl buy it on you, if it come within
the Compafsof a Crown.
Kite. A Crown ! never talk of baying ; 'tis the fame
thing among Friends, you know ; Til prefent them to
ye lK)th: you (hall give me as good a thin;;. Put 'cm
up, and remember your old Friend, when i am over the
Hi;i8, and far away. \^hey Jingy and put up the Money.
Enter tlMiae Jtnging.
Plume*' Over the Hills, and over the Main^
7o Flanders, Portugal, or Spain :
.7 he Sl^een commands , and ive*Il obey^
Over the Hi/is, and far away.
Come on my \fen of Mirth, away with it, I'll make on#
• imong ye : Who are thefe hearty Lads ?
Kite. Off with your Hats ; O'unds off with your Hats :
This is the Captain, the Captain.
Th§. We have feen Captains afore now. Mun.
Cofi, Ay, and Lieutenant Captains too; s'fleih, I'll
keep on my Nab.
The. And I'fe fcarcely d'oiF mine for any Captain iji
England: 'My Vether's a Freeholder.
Piume. Who are thefe jolly Lads, Serjeant ?
Kiie, A coaple ofhoneft brave Fellows that are willing'
to ferve the Queen : I have entertain 'd 'em jud now, as
Volunteers, under your Honour's Command.
Plume. And good Entertainment they (hall have : Vo-
lanteers are the Men I want, thofe are the Men fit ta
make Soldiers, Captains, Generals.
7ho. Wounds, Tummas^ what's this f are you lided ?
Cofl. Flcfh ! not I : Arc yon Cofiar?
Tho. Wounds, not 1.
Kite, What! not lifted! ha> ha, ha; a very good
Jefii, rfidth.
Caj9.
go The RecruUing Officer:
Co/L Come, lummat^ we'll go home. " 1
^'bo. Ay, ay, come. |
Kite, Home ! for (hame, Gentlemen, behave year*
felves better before your Obtain : Dear Tummat^ hooeft •'
Cuftar.
Tho No, no, we'll be gone.
Kite, Nay, theo, 1 commaod you to flay : I place
you both Centinels in this Place, for two HourSt lo
watch the Motion of St. Mary\ Clock, you ; and yoa
the Mption of St. Chad &i And he, that dares ftir from
his Poll, till he be relieved, (liall have my'Sword ioJui
Guts the next Minute*
Plume. What's the matter; Serjeant? I*in afraid ^ou
are too rough with thefe Gentlemen.
Kite, I'm 100 mild, Sir! They difobey Commftodi
Sir, and one of *em iliou'd be (hot for an Example to tka
other.
Coft. Shot, Tummas ?
Flume, Come, Gentlemen. what*8 the matter ?
^ho. We don't know ! the noble Serjeant \i pleasM to
bein a Paffion, Sir — but —
Kite. They difobey Command, they deny h eir being
liiled.
^ho. Nay, Serjeant, we don't downright dtny it nei-
ther ; that we dare not do, for fear of being (hot; But
we humbly conceive, in a civil way, and begging your
Worfhip's Pardon, that we may go home.
Plume, That's eafily known ; have either of yoa re-
ceiv'd any of the Queen's Money ^
Coft. Not a Brafs Farthing, Sip. ,
Kite, Sir, they have each of them receiv'd three-and*
twenty Shillings and Six-pence, and 'tis now in their
Pockets.
Coft. Wounds, if I have a Penny in my Pocket bot a
bent Six- pence, I'll be content to be lifted, and (hot into-
the Bargain.
Tho, And I : took ye here. Sir.
Coji, Nothing but the Queen's Figure, that the Ser-
jeant gave me j jft now.
Kite, See there, a Broad pieces tliree-and-twenty
Shillings and Six pence ; t'other has the Fellow on't
Flume, The Cafe is plain, Gentlemen, tne Goods are
found
Tie Recruiting Offkcen 3 1
>and apon yoa : Thofe Pieces of Goid are worth three-
id-cwentjr and Six- pence each.
Cofi, So it feems, that Carolus is chree-anJ-twenty and
ix-pence in Latin.
Tbo, Tts the iame thing in Greeks for we are lifted.
Coff» Flefh! bat we aVt, Tummas: .1 defire to be
arried before the Mayor, Captain.
[Captain and Serjeant nMbifper the ivbi.'e.
Finmt. 'Till never do, Kitt'-^y our daron'd Tricks will
rain me at Jafl«— I won*t lofe the Fellows rho*. if i can
help it — Well, Gentlemen, there mull be Tome Trick in
ills; my Serjeant o/Fcrs to take his Oath that you are
»irl V lifted.
9l§. Why, Captain, we know that you Soldiers have
more Liberty of Confcience than other Folks ; but for
BBC^ or Nei^hbuur Cefiar here, to take fuch an 0.nth,
'twould be downright Perjuration.
P/umi. Look*e, Rafcal, you Villain, If I find that yoa
haveimpos'd upon thefe two honeft hellows, FIl trample
fon to Death, you Dog-«— Come, how was't ?
TJ^. Nay then, we'll fpeak ; your Serjeant, as yoa
fry, 18 a Regoe, an*t like your Vvorihip, begging your
Worfliip's Hardon and— •
C^^ Nay, Tnmmasj let me fpeak ; you know I can
re^d— And fo," Sir, he gave us thofe two Pieces of Mo-
ney for Figures of the C^l^cn. hy way of a Prefcnt.
PJwmg. How / by way of a rrefent ! The Son of a
Whore I Til teach him to abufe honeft Fellows, like
foo 1 Sconndre], Rogue, Villain f
[Beats off the Serjeant^ €md followi*
Matb. O b^ve Captdn ! Huzza ! a brave Captain,
•filth.
C^, Now TnmmaSf Carolus is Latin for a Beating:
This is the braveft Captain I ever faw'— Wounds I have
a Month's Mind to go with him.
Enter Plume.
Plumi* A Dog, to abufe two fuch honeft Fellows at
yoa— — Look'e, Gentlemen, I love a pretty Fellow, I
come among you as an Officer to lift Soldiers, not as a
Kidnapper, to fteal Slaves.
Coft. Mind that, Tummas.
Pbum. I defire no Man to go with me, but as 2 weoc
my-
jl ^ T'he RecruUing Officer.
myfelf: I went a-Yolunteer, as you, or you, may do |
for a little time carried a Muflcety and now I comsuutd
a Company. . ' ^
Tho. Mind that, Coftar : A fweet Gentkroaa.
P/ume. 'Tis true. Gentlemen, Imigbt take an Adran*
<tage of you; the Queen's Money, Avas in your Pockets,
my Serjeant was ready to take his Oath you were lifted s
buc I fcorn to da.a baic thin^, you are both -of yoa at
your Liberty,
Ctf^. Thank you, noble Captain — I-<:od, I can't find
in my Hear^ to leave him, he talks fo finely^
T6o. Ay, Cqftar, wou'd he always hold in this l^nd.
Piuwe. Come, my Lads, one thmg more .1*11 telLjycMi:
You're boih voung tight Fellows, and the Arny u thji
Place to make you Men forever ? Every Man had his
Lot, and you have yours : What think you now of a
Purfe aifrmth Gold out oi a Monfieur^s. Pocket, after
:you have dalhed out his Brains with' the But-end of
your Firelock ? ehl
Coft, Waunsi ril have it. Captain— -—give nie t
Shilling, rU foHow you to the end of the World.
7hQ, Nay, dear Coftar^ do'na ; be advis'd.
Plume, Here, m^ Hero, here are two Guineas for the^
418 Earcefl of wbat Fll do farther for thee.
^ho. Do'natake it, do*na,. dear Ofiar*
{Cr/V/, end fulls hack bis Afm%
CoJL I wull*— — I wnll — Waunds, my Mind giycS|iii9
%hat 1 (hall be a Captain myfelf-—^! take your Momsyi ,
Sir, and now I am a Gentleman. * j
Piume. Give roe thy Hand, and no\y y^u and I will'
travel the World o'er, and command it wherever IRt
tread— firing your Friend with yon if you can. [j^idt*
Coft, Well, Tummas, muft we part f
7ho, No Coftar^ I canno leave thee— ->Come, Captaii^
I'll e'en go along too; and if you have two honefter fim-
l>ler Lads in your Company, than we two have beep. Til
fay no more.
Plume, Here, my Lad, {Gimts him M$jtif.] Now yoic
Name?
Tho, Tummas Jfpletree.
plume, Aqd yours ?
Coft. Cofiar PearmMM.
The Recrmtmg Officer. 33
Thtmi, Well faid, Coflar I Born where >
Tho, Both in Hirtfwrdjhire.
Plume^ Very well ; Courage, my Ladi— Now we'll
ingi 0*vir the HiUs, and far aiv^'j*
Ccurage^ Boys, *tii on$ f 7 en
But vji riturn all Gentlemen ;
If^/Zr Confuirhg Cclours we di/plqy,
Offir the Wlls and far away.
Kite, take care of *ein.
Enttr Kite.
iTf/tf. A'n^t yoo a Coaple of pretty Fellows now 1 Here
you have complained to the Captain, 1 am to be turned
ODt. and one of you will be Serjeant. Bat in the mean
tiflitf, march you Soni of Whorei. [Beafj \m off.
TheEndof the fecond ACT.
ACT IIL
SCENE, The Market-place.
Enter Plume and Worthy.
ir«r«T Cannot forbear admiring the Eauality of our two
/ X Fortunes : We lov'd two Ladies, they met ut
lalf way, and juil as we were upon ihe point of leaping
into their Arms, Fortune drops into their Laps, Pridc^
poffisfles their Hearts, a Maggot fiJls their Heads, Mad~
Heft takes *em by the Tails ; they fnort^ kick up their
Heels, and away they run.
Pinna. And leave us here to mourn upon the Shore—
A couple of poor melancholy Monftera* What ihall
we do?
fFor. I have a trick for mine ; the Letter, you know^
and the Fortune-teller.
Plnme. And 1 have a trick for mine.
JFor. What is't f
plume, I'll never think of her agun.
W»r. No!
Plmne* No ; I think my felf above adminiflering to the
Pride of any Woman, were ihe worth Twelve thoufand
/ a- Year \
34 ^^^ Recrutiing Officer.
a-Ycar; and I ha'n't the Vanity to believe I ft all ever
gain a Lady worth Twelve htuulred The gcntious
good-natur'd Sylvia^ in her Smock, I admire ; but the
haughty, fcornful SyMa^ with her Fortune, I de(pife— •
What, i'neak out of Town, and not (b much as a Word.
a Line, a Compliment.-— 'ideath ! how far off does flie
live ? IMl go and break her Windows.
^V. Ha, ha, iia f ay, and the Window-bars too, to
come at her — Come, come, Friendt no more of your
rough military Airs.
Enter Kite.
Kite, Captain, Captain, Sir? look yonder, (he's a com-
ing this way: *Tis the prettieft« cieanei^ little Tit I
Flume. NoAV, Worthy ^ to fhew you how much I am in
love ; here (he comes : But Kite^ what is that great
Country- fellow with heri
Kite^ I can't tell, Sir.
Enter Rofe, followed by her Brothr Bullock, with Chic*-
JteMs on her Arm in a Bajket.
Rofe, Buy Chickens, young and tender Chickens/
^oung and tender Chickens.
Piume. Htrtf you Chickens I
Rofe, Who calls?
Plume. Come hither, pretty Maid.
Pofe, Will you pleafe to buy. Sir ?
IVor. Yes, Child we'll both buy.
P/ume. Nay, JVorthy^ that's not fair, marbet for your*
ifejf — Come, Child, Til buy all you have.
Jlafe. Then all I have is at your Service. [Court^JUi
f^or. Then muft I (hift for myfclf, I find." [Bxtt.
P/ttmi, Let me fee ; young and tender, yon fay.
[Chucks her under tbi Chin*
Jtefe, As ever you taftcd in your Life, Sir.
Plume. Come, I muil examine yoor-fiafket to the bot-
ibm, my Dear.
Rnfe, Nay, for that matter, put in your Hand ; feel.
Sir ; i warrant my Ware as good as any in the Market.
Plume, And I'll buy it all, Child, were it ten times more.-
Rofe. Sir, 1 can furnifh you.
flumi. Come then, we won't quarrel abpat the Price,
they're
Tbe Recmiiing Officer. 35
hey 're fine Birds — Pray what's your Name, pretty Cre»-
ure?
Rcfe. Ro/e^ Sir: M^r Father is a Farmer within three
hort Miles o' the -Town. i we iceep this Market; I fell
thickens, Eggs, and Butter, and my Brother DuJlock
:here fells Corn.
BuL Come, Sifter, hade^ we /hall be late hoame.
\WhiJllts about the Stage.
flume. Kite ! [Tips him the. Wink, he returns //.] Pretty
Mrs. Ro/e — you have*— let me Tee — how many ?
Ro/e, A dozen. Sir, and they are richly worth a Crown.
Bui. Come, Ruo/e, I fcjld fifty Strakc of Barley lo-day
in half this time ; but you will higgle and higgle for a
Penny, more than tKe Commodity is worxh.
Roje. What's that to you, Oaf! I can make as much
out of a Groat, as you can out of Four-pence, I'm fure
The Gentleman bids fair, and when I meet with a
Chapman, J know how to make the bed of him >- And
fo. Sir, I fay, for a Crown Piece the Bargain's yours.
Plume. Here's a Guinea, my Dear.
Ro/e. I can't change your Money, Sir.
Plume, indeed, indeed, but you can — my Lodging is
hard by. Chicken, and we'll make change ihere.
[Goes off, jbe follonxjs him.
Kite.' So, Sir, as I was telling you, i have feen one
of thefe Hujfars eat np a Ravelin for his Breakfad, and
afterwards pick'd his Teeth wiih a Palifado
BuU ky^ you Soldiers fee very ftrange Things ; but,
pray. Sir, what is a Rabelin ?
kite. Why, *tis like a modern minc'd Pye, but the
Croft is confounded har^, and the Plumbs are ibme«
what hard of Digeft^on
BuL Then your Palifado, pray what may he be ?
Come, Ruofe, pray ha' done.
Kite. Your Palifado is ai pretty fort of Bodkin, about
the Thicknefs of my lJt%.
BuL That's a Fib, I believe, yjide.^ Eh! where's
Ruofe! Ruofe! Ruofe i s'flefli where's Ruoje gone?'
AV/r. She's gone with the Captain.
Bui. The Captain ! Wauns, there's no prcffing of
Women, fure.
Kite. But there is^ fure.
VOL.U. I BuK
3^ The RecruUing Offiar.
Bui. If the Captain (hould preft Ruo/e^ I (hould lot
ruin'd — Which way went 0ie f O ! the Devil take yoar
Kabllns and Palifadoes. _ lExit,
Kite, You fhall be better acquainted With them, honeft
Bullock, or I fhall mifs of my Aim.
Enter Worthy.
Wor, Why thou art the moft ufeful Fellow In Nature
to your Captain ; admirable in your way, I find.
Kite. Yes, Sir, I underfland my Biifinefs, I will (ay it.
Wor. How came you fo qualified ?
Kite. You mud know. Sir, I was born a Gipiy, and
bred among that Crew till I was ten Years old, there I
learnM Canting and Lying ; I was bought from my
Mother, Cleopatra^ by a certaih Nobleman for three
PiAoles; who liking my Bejuty, made me hfs Page;
there I learn*d Impudence and Pimping. I was tarn*d
ofi^ for wearing my Lord's Linen, and drinking my
Lady's Ratafia, and turned Bailiff *s Follower ; there I
learn'd Bullying and S%v earing. I at lad got into the
Army, and there I learn'd Whoring and Drinking — So
that if your Worlhip pleafes to cad up the whole Sura,
iji%. Canting, Lying, Impndence, Pimping, Bullying,
Swearing. Whoring, Drinking, and a Halbert, you
will find the Sum Total amount to a Recruiting Serjeants
Wor, And pray what induc'd you to turn Soldier I
Kiu, Hunger and Ambition : The Fears of Starving*
ard the Hopes of a Truncheon, led me along to a Gentle-
roan, with a fair Tongue, and fair Periwig, who loaded
me with Promifes ; but Vad it was the lighted Load
that ever I felt in my Life He promised to advanoe
me, and indeed he did fo— to a Garret in the Sa*vof* 1
afked him why he put me in Prifon; he call'd me lying
Dog, and faid 1 was in Garrifon ; and indeed, *tis t
Garrifon hat. may hold out till Doomfday before ^ fliouM
defire to take it again. Butl)ere comes Judice Bailamct.
Entir Ballance and Bullock.
BuL Here, you Serjeant, wherc's your Captain i
Here's a poor fooliih Fellow comes clamouring to me
with a Complaint, that your Captain has prefs'd nis SK-
ter ; do you know any thing of this mat:er, H^ortby ?
ilW, Ha, ha, ha! I know his Srderis gone with Plumt
to his Lodging, to fell him fome Lhickcas.
4 BsL
The kecruiiing Officer. 37
Ai/. Is that all? the Fellow's a Fool. ^
BhI. I know that, an't like your Worfhip*; but if your
WTorfliip pleafes to gram me a Warrant to bring her be-
fore your Wor(hip, for fear of the worft»
Bal. Thou'rt mad, Fellow, thy Siller's fafe enough.
. Kite. I hope fo too. [^Jide.
Wor^ Hall thou no more Senfe, Fellow,^ than to be-
lieve that the Captain can lift women.
BaL I know not whether they lift them, or what they
do with them, but 1 am Aire, they carry as many Wo-
men as Men with them out of the Country.
Bal. But how came you not to go along with your
SiHer?
BuL Lordy Sir, I thought no more of her going than
I do of the Day I (hall die ; but thisi Gentleman here,
not fnfpedin|^ any hurt neither^ I believe— you thought
no harm. Friend, did you ?
JCf//, Lackaday, Sir, not I— —only that, I believe, I
(ball marry her to-morrow. [^Afide.
Bai, I begin to fmell Powder. Well, Friend, but
{what did that Gentleman with you ?
Bui. Why, Sir, he entertain'd me with a fine Story of
A great Sea-fight between the Hungarians^ 1 think it
was, and the Wild-Irijh,
Kiti. And fo. Sir, white we were in the Heat of
Battle-^the Captain carried ofF the Baggage.
Bal. Serjeant, go along with this Fellow^ to your
Cap^Oi give him my humble Service, and defire him to
difcbarge the Wench, tho' he has lifted her.
BtU. Ay, and if (he ben^t free for that, heihall have an-
other Man in her place.
Kiti. Come, honeft Friend, you (hall go to my Quar-
ters inftead of the Captain's. [ AJide^^
{Exeunt Kite and Bullock.
Bui. We miift get this mad Captain his Complement
of Men, and fend him packing, elfe he'll over-run the
Country.
Wor. You fee, Sir, how little he values your Daugh-
ter's Difdain.
rl\MaL I Ukeliim the better; I was juft fuch another
Fellow at his Age ; I never fet my Heart upon any Wo-
'^ b much as to inake myfelf un^afy at the IKiap-
1 2 point-
3 8 ^he Recruiting Officer.
pointmcnt ; but what ,was very furprifin^ both to. myfc*
and Friends, I changed, o* th' fuddcn, from the mol
iickU Lover, to the moft con/lant Hafband in the World
But how goes your Affair with Metinda?
IVor, ^cry ilowly! Cvpid had fprmcjrly Wings, but J
think, in'ihis Age, he goes upon Crutches; or.l fanq
Vtnui had been dallying with her Cripple Vulcan whei
my Amour commenced, which has made it go on fc
lamely ; my Midrefs has got a Captain too> but fuch s
Captain ! As I live, yonder he comes.
Bal. Who ? that bluiF Fellow in the Saih ! I don%
know him.
Wor. But I engage he knows you, and every Body a)
lirfl fight ; his Impudence were a Prodigy, were not hi:
Ignorance proportionable ; he has the moft univerfal Ao
quaintance of any Man living, for he won't be alone, am
Wobody wUl keep him company twice ; then he's a C*
far among\he Women, l^eni^ Fidi^ Vki^ Hiatus all. I
he has but talk'd with the Maid, he fwears he has laii
with the Millrefs.; but the mod furprifing part of hi
CKarafler is his Memory, which is the tm^ prodigious
and the moil trifling in the World.
Bttl I have met with fuch Men, and I take this g(XH
for-nothing Memory to proceed from a certain Contex
ture of the Brain, which is purely adapted lo Imperti
Aencies, and there they lodge fecure, the Owner havinj
no Thoughts of his own to didurb them. 'I have knowi
a Man as perfcfl as a Chronologer, as to the .Day ani
1 Year of moH important Tranfadtions, bat be altogethc
ignorant in the Caufes, or Confeqyences of any. od
Thing of moment; I have known another acquire i
much by Travel, as to tell you the Names of molt Plaa
in Europe^ \^ith their DiHances of Miles, Leagues, c
Hours, as pundlually as a PoiUboy ; bu^ for any thin
elfe, as ignorant as the Horfe that carries the Mail.
Wor. This is your Man, Sir, add but the Traveller'
Privilege of Lying, and even that he abufes \ this is th
Pi!;\ure, behold the Life. , ".'
Enter Brazen.
Bra%. Mr. Worthy^ I am youT Servant, and fo /M
«— Haik*e, my Dear. "^^
s ifai
7bt RecruUing djicer. 59
Vor, Whifpering, Sir, before Company rs not Man-
ners, and when Nobody's by, 'tis fboliih.
Brax. Company ! Mvrt ie ma vU ! 1 beg the Gcntlc-
nan*a Pardon ; who is he I
H^or. Aflc him.
Brax. So I will. M/ Dear, I am your Servant, and
b forth ;— your Name, my Dear ?
" Ball. Very Laeonkk, Sfr.
BroK. Lac9ntck I A vttj gr>od Name truly ; I havd
Jl^nown feveral of the (acomcks abroad : Poor Jack Laco-
nick f He wai kiH'd at the Battle of Lahden. I remem-
ber that he had a Uue Ribbon in his Hat that very I^ay,
atid after he /ell, we found a piece of Neat's I ongue in
his Pocket.
Bal. Przy^ Sir, did the Frgfich attack us, or. we them,
ftt Landen r*
Brmc. J he Frwf;& attack us ! Oons, Sir, are you a Jacobite ?
Bal Why that Quellio'n ?
Br4iK Becaui'e none bat a J&cobite could think that
the Frtncb durft attack U6 — Nt), Sir, we attack'd them
on the — I have reafon to rcmemembcr the Time, for ^
had two-and-twenty Horfes kill'd under me that Day.
Wor. Then, Sir, you mull have rid mighty hard.
*• Bal. Or perhaps, iHr, like my Countiyman, you rid
Bppn half a dozen Horfes ar once.
Brax. What do ye mean, Gentlemen ? I tell you they
were killed, all torn to pieces by Cannon-fhot,^ except
^I ftak*d to Death upon the Enemies Cbe^vaux de Fri/i^
. BaL Noble Captain, may I crave your Name ?.
^ Braz, Brazen, at your Servite.
' Bal. Oh, Brazeuy a very good Nanjje ; I have known
feveral of the J?rfl2^/»i abroad,
^r. Do you know one Captain Piume\, Sir ?
Braz* Is he any thing related to Frank Plume in Kor^
thamptonfi)tre f Honeft Fr^«i / many,, many a dry
Bottle have we crack'd Fland to Fift'; you muft have
known his Brother CharUi that was concerned in the /«-
47/1. Company, he married the Daughter of old Tongue-pad,
the Malter in Chancery^ a very pretty Woman, only
lifunited a little ; (he died in Childf-bed of her fird Child^
but the Child furviv'd, 'twas a Daughter, but whether
*tvrajl called Margaret or Margery, uipon my Soul, I
1,3^ Caxi't
40 Tie Recruiting Ojfiar.
can't remember, {Looking on his Watch ] But, Gentle*
men, 1 mufl meet a Lady, a twenty thoufand Founder*
prefently, upon the Walk by the Water--— ^i^^r/i^l
your Servant, Laconic yours 1 [Exiu
Bal. If you can have fo mean an Opinion o^ Midindat
as to be jealous of this Fellows, I think ihe ought to give
you cauie to be fo.
' IVor, I don't think (he encourages him ^ much for
gair^ing Jierfelf a Lover, as to fet me up a Rival % were
there any Credit to be given to his Words, I (houM
btlieve Melinda had made him this Aflignation ; I mo8
go fee ; Sir, you'll pardon me. [£xcr«
Bal, Ay, ay. Sir, you're a Man of Builnefs— — Ba(
what have we got here ?
Enter Rofc Jtnging. ^ ^
Ro/e. And I fliall be a Lady, a Captain's Lady, and
ride iingle upon a white Horfe with a Star, upon a Vel«
vet Side-faddle ; and I ihall go to London^ and fee the
Tombs, and the Lions, and the Queen. Sir^ an pleafe
your Worfhip, I have often feen your Worihip'ride
through our Groun<is a hunting, begging your Worfliip^'i
l^ardon-^-^r-Pray what may this Lace be worth a Yard f .
[SheiAjing feme Lmci^
BaL Right Mechlin^ by this Light i Where did yoi
get this Lace, Child ?
Bofe, No matter for that, Sir, I came honeflly by it
Bal, J .quelHon it much. [AfiJe*
Bofe, And fee here, Sir, & fine Turkcy-ftiell Sn ^
box, and fine Mangerc, fee here, [Takes fnuff affe^ei'
7he Captain learned me how to take it v^ith an AirJ
BaL Oho \ the Captain ! Now the Murder's out/tn4
fo the Captain taught you to take it with an Air. i
Rofe, Yes, and give it with an Air too— -^Will yoir
Worfl>ip pleafe to tafte my SnufF ? [Ofen the Box affeSedlf^
BaL You are a very apt Scholar, pretty Maid. Awt
pray, what did yoti give the Captain for thefe fine thingsi
i^efe. He's to have my Brother for a Soldier, and t«f
or three Sweet- hearts that I have in the Country, thef
fliall all go with the Captain : O he's the fineil Man, toii
the humbled withal ; would you believe it, S]r»'kil|
carried me up with him to his own Chamber, withli|^
much Fam-mam-mill-yararality, as if 1 had been tT
\)QSt Lady in the J^and. B^
The Recruiiing Officer: 4r
P/r/. Oh ! he's a mighty familiar Gentleman, ai*
«an be*
E/tter "Plume Jf'fg-Mg,
Plume. But it is not /a
JVitb thofi that gOi
7J^ro* Frcft and Sjtow^
hitift apropo.
My Maid fwitb thi Milking^paiL
ITakii bold cf ^ohl'.
How* the Juftice L ihea I'lh arraign*d» coademn'd, and.
OQiecuted.
Bal. 0„ my noble. Captain !
Mofi. And my noble Captain toe, Sir.
Plume, 'Sdeath,. Child, are. you mad ?— Mr. J?^/«»f/,
r,am fo fall of Bufinefs about my Recruits, that 1 ha'n'tn
a-Moroent*s time to — 1 have juft notv three or four Pco*
j^irto— ^
Bal. Nay, Captain, I mu(l fpeak to you-^
i^j/^. And fo mud 1 too, Captain.
Ffumt. Any other time. Sir, ^T cannot for my Life^.
BaI. Fray, Sir
Piumin Tweoty thoufind Things— 1 would— but-— —
liowy Sir, pray— Devil take me*— I cannot — I muH— •
\Buitki aauay^
Baf. Nay, Til follow you. \E9cit.
Ro/t. And I too. \B^iti
SCENE; Tbe Walks hytbi Severn Sidi.
Eff/fr Melinda, and ber Maid Lucv.
*JHf/. And, pray, waa it a Ring, or Buckle, or Pen*
dants, or Knots? or id what Shape was the almighty
Gold transform'd, that has brib*d you fo much in hu
Ilvour?
' Inr... Indeed, Mad^m, the UH Bribe I had from the
GaptilijB, wa« only, a fmail piece of Flanders Edging for
PJnoerSk
MtL Ay^ f landers Lace is as condant a Prefent from*
Ofiicers to their Women, as fomething elfe is from their
Women to them, . They every Year bring over a Cargo .
of Lace, to cheat the Queen of her Duty, and iier Sab<»
jcOiB 4>r their HoQ^fty*
'^ I 4: i»r.
42 ^be Recruiting Officer.
Lwc. They only barter one Sort of prohibited Goods
for another, Madam.
Mei. Has any of 'em been bartering with you, Mrs.
Petty that you talk fo like a Trader ?
Luc. Madam, yoa talk as peevifhly to me« as if it
were my Fault ; the Crime is none of mine, tho' I pre-
tend to excufe it : Though he Ihould not fee you this
Week, can I help it? But as I was faying. Madam — —
his Friend, Captain Plume^ has fo taken him up thefe
two Days
Mel. P(ha ! would his Friend, the Captain, were lied
upon his Back ; I warrant, he has never been fober fmce
that confounded Captain came to Town : The Deyil
take all Officers, I fay — they do the Nation more harm
by debauching us at home, than they do good by defend-
ing us abroad : No fooner a Captain comes to Town»
but all the young Fellows flock about him, and we
can't keep a Man to ourfelves.
Luc, One would imagine. Madam, by your Concern
for Worthy s Abfence, (hat you (hould ufe him becier
when he*s with you.
MeL Who told you, pray, that I was conccrn'd for
his Abfence? I'm only vexed that I've had nothing faid
to me thefe two Days : One may like the Love, and de-
(pife the Lover, 1 hope ; as one ni?y love the Treafon,
and hate the Traitor. O ! here comes another Captain^
and a Rogue that has the Confidence to make Love to
- me ; but, indeed, I don't wonder at that, when he has
the Affurance to fancy himfelf a fine Gentleman,
luc. If he (hould fpeak o'th' Aflignation, 1 (hould be
ruin'd. [JJUe.
Enter Brazen.
Brax. True to the Touch, 'faith ! {/fjide 1 Madam, I
am yovir humble Servant, and all that, Madam ? A fine
River this lame Severn — Do you love Filhir.g, Madam ?
Mel. ' ris a pretty melancholy Amufement for Lovers.
Brax. I'll go buy Hooks and Lines prefently ; for you
muft know. Madam, that 1 have ferv'd in Ffattders
again U ihe French^ in Hungary againft the Turkic and in
^ utigier agwinik the MBoru and 1 was never fo n\uch in
Love before i and fplit me. Madam, in all the Cam-
paigns
paigns T evtt mad^ I ha7e not feen fo fine a Womao as
your Ladyihip
Mel. And from all thie Mjcn I ever faw, I never had*
fo fine a Compliment*: But* you. Soldiers are the beft
bred Men, that we maft allow.
Bra%. Some of as, Mstdam But tbeire are Brutes
among as too, very. fad'Brutes; for my own pirt, I have
always had the good Luck to prov/e agrceaole— T have
had very confideraWc Offers^ Madam— —.1 might have
married a German Princefs, worth fihy thoufand Crowns
a-Year,. but her Stove difgufted me. The Daughter of
ttYurklJh Bajhanu fell in Love with me too, when 1 was
Prifoner amojlig the Infidels ; ftie offered to rob her Fa-
ther -of his Treafore, and make' her Efcape with me :
But I don^ know how; my time was not come ; Hanging
and Marriage, .you knpw., go by Dettiny. Fate ha? re-
fev'd mc iOT 3,Shropfl)ire h?iAy worth tweilty thodfand
Poi^nds — Do. you know any fuch Peribn» Mrdam ?
Mel: Extravagant Coxcomb I [^tf^/f.] To be fure, a
great*'many Ladies of that Fortune would be proud of the
Nairie of Mrs Braz,en,
Braz. Nay, for that: matter. Madam, there arc Wo-
men of very good Quality of the Name of Brazen.
1 E*'ter Worthy.
MeL O! are you there. Gentleman? — Come, Cap.
tain; we'll walk this Way, give me your Hand.
. Mraz, My Hand, Heart's Blood and Guts ar^ at your
S^ice — Mr. Worthy, your Servant, my Dear,
[^Exit lea/Jtng ISJelinda.
FFori Death and Fire ? this is not to be borac.
£«/£/■ Plume, . '
Plume, No more it is, faith,
U^or. Whap;
Plume. The Mardf Beer at ihe }^atven\ I have been
doubly ferving the Queen — raifi'ng Men, and raifing the
Excife — Recrniring and Elections are rare Friends to the
»r£^^, 'Yon aVt drunk. ' \ .. \
Plume, liOf HO, whittifical onlyj I could be migKty^
foblilh, and fancy. myCelf mighty witty. Reafon ftili.
keeps its Throne, bat it nods a little, that's |U.
fF9r. Then you're juft fit for a Frolic,
* - I ;
48 7ie Recruiting Officer.
Braz^, How dare yoa contend for any thing, and not*
daf e to draw youii^Sword I But you are a young Fellow^
and have not been much abroad ; 1 excufe that ; but:
prithee refign the Msm, prithee do j you are a very ho-
ned Fellow.
Plume. You lye ; and you are a Son of a Whore.
[Draivs, and maAes up to Brazen.
Bra%, Hold, hold, did not you refufe to fight for
the Lady ? [Rairing.
Plume. I always do-^But for a man Til fight Knee^
deep ; (eryovt lye again. [Plome^ff^ Enztn^gbt a Tra-
tverje or Two afiout the Stage ; Sylvia ifraws^ ivbo is held
iy Kite,- woho- founds to Armi nuith his Mouth \ takes Sylvia
in bis Arms , and earriei her off the Stage.
Braz. Hold, where's the Mah ?
Plume. Gone.
Braz. Then what do we £ght for ? [Puts MpS\ No^
let*8 embrace, my Dear.
Plume: With all my Heart, my Dcar^ [^Putting upj] t
fuppofd KitehtLS lifted him. by this time. [Emhraces;
Kite hfiks in andjin^s^
B¥a%, You are a brave Fellow,, I always fight with a
Man before I make him my. Friend ; and if 'once 1 find
he will fight, I never quarrel with hyaa afterwards.
— T^i And now Til telt you a Secret,^ my dear Friend,
that Lady we frighted out of the Walk iiift now, I found
in bed this Morning — So beautiful, to inviting— -I pre-
fently lockM the Door-^But I am a Man of Honour — —
Bu< I believe I (hall marry her neverchelefs— Her twentjr
thoufand Pounds, you know, will be pretty Conveniency
•*— I had an ^fiignation with her here, but your coming
^oird my Sport. Curfe you, my D^ar, but don't do m
again-*
Plume* N0| no, my Dear, Men are my Bofinefs at.
7ieEndoftbi:nitJAQT.
ACT^
TBe RicruUifgg Ogicir. 45
Thhu Petrlt/s Princtfi e^tfafepitnV PUim^
StoK. Oons, Sir> not £gHt for her t '
Fkm. Prithee be qaiet— I fhall be out^-^
BiUUf .ho*w hnmhfy dm thi Severn gj^^^'
79 greet tJkie, Princ(/} eftbe Severn SiVr-
Braz* Don't mind him,. Madani'-^— — If he were DOtib '
well dcefsM* I (hould take him for a Poet— But I'll (hew
you the Difference prefently— Come, Madam,— we'll ^
elace you between ua^ and now. the longed Sword carries \
ST. \Pr0iViiu^
Mel \ZhrU\lniY
Enter Worthy;
Oh ! Mr* Worthy^ fav« me from thefe Madmen*
[Exittwith Worthy. .
P/ume. Ha, ha, ha! why don't you foUow, Sir f and ^
fight the bold Ravilher.
Sraz, No, Sir, you aremy Man<
Plume- I don'tJixe the Wages, I won't i)e yourMan^.
JBraz. Then you're not wortn my Sword.
Piume. No ! Pray what did it cod?
Braz* It coft me twenty Pilloles in France^ and my ^
Enemies thoufands of Lives in Flanderf. .
Plume. Then they had a dear Bargain.
Enter Syhisii ft. Man*4 ^ff^reU^
SyL SaVeye^ fave^^e, Gentlemen.
fretz. My Dear ! I'm. yours,
P/ume, Do you know the Gentleman J
^r«a;..No, but 1 will prefently—— Your Name, tayr
dear?
SvL Wilful i Jack Wilful, at your Service.
-Sr^as* What, the Kintijk WUfulf^ or ihofc of ^M^cr<^-
Sjl. B6th, Sir both ; Tm related ta all the Wti/ah ijiw.
Sj^*pit and l*m Head of the Family at prefent*
Ptumi» Do you live in this Country,. Sir ?
Sjl, Yes, Sir, I live. where 1 Hand; I have neither.
Hone, Houfe, nor Habitation^ beyond thia Spct oi
prottiid.
. JEEci««. What arc yoa. Six I
46 The Ricmiing Offiar.
Sjl. A Rake.'
Flum. In the Army, I prefunae.
$jl. No, but I intend to lift immediately-— ^Look'e,
Gentlemen, he that bids the faireil» has me.
Braz, Sir, I'll prefer you> ril make you a Corporal
thiv Minute. •
P/umi. Corporal I Til make you my Companion, yoo*
fliall eat with mo.
Braz You (hall drink with me.
P/timi. You (hall lie with me, yot^ young Rogue.
BraK, You Aall receive your Pay, and do no Duty.
Sti. Then you mull make me a Field Officer.
Flumi^ Pho^ pho, pho! I'll do more than all this;
I'll make you a Corpora^ and give you a Brevet for Ser*
jeant. ^
BrdK Can you read and write, Sir ?
Sfl. Yes.
BraK Then your Bufinefs is done— ——1*11 make yoo:
Chaplain to the Rrgimeiyt,
SjK Your Promifes are (a equal, that Tm tt a lofs to
chufe ; there is one Plume, that I hear much commended-.
hi Town ; pray which of you is Captain Plumf*
Plume, lam Captain P/«/»/.
Brax. No, no, 1 am Captain Plumtj
Syi. Hey day f *
Plume, Captain Plume/ I'm your Servant, my Dears
Bra. Captain Braxeni I am yours — the Fellow dares
not fight, ., [Ajidi*
Enter Kite.
Kite, Sir, if you pleafe— [Goes to nvhifper Flume.
Plume. No, no, there's your Captain. Capt. Plume^
yoor Serjeant has got fo drunk, he miftakes me for you.
Braie,, He's an^incorri^^ible Sot. — Here, my Hedtor of
Holborn, here's forty Shillings for you.
Plume. \ forbid tne Banns.— Look'e Friend,, you^fhall:
lift with Captain Brazen.
Sfl. I will fte Captain Brazen hang'd fivik ; I will lift
wiih Captain Plume^ I am a Free-born En^ijhman, and
will be a Slave my own Way Look*e, wr, will yoii
ftand by me ! [f(? Brazen*.
BraTf^ 1 warrant you^ my Lad« '
Syll
The Recamiing Offiar. 49
^^7. Then I will tell you, Capuia BraKfn^ [f# Plumel
that you are an ignorant, pretCAding* impiMleac Cox-
comb.
Bra%, Ay» ay, a fad Dog.
^yL A very fad Dog ; give me the Money, nobUCap^
tain Plume.
Ptunu. 1 hen you won*tli(l with Captain Braxtnl
SyL I won't.
/iraz. Never mind him. Child, V\\ end the Difpute
prcfcnily— Hcark*e. my Dear.
[^Tahs Plume fo oks Si^g 9/ tbi Stage^ m/ui iMtirimitt
him 14 Jumb Shonv,
Kiu. Sir, he in the plain Coat is Captain P/mmi^ I am
his Scrjv-^ant, and will take my Oath on't.
yyl. What! you are Serjeant A'//#.
kite. At your Service.
iSV Then I would not take your Oath for a Farthing.
kite. A very underftanding Youth of ht< Age ! i'ray.
Sir. let me look full in your Face ?
Syi, Wtill, Sir, what have you to f^y to my Face?
kite. The very Image of my Brother ; two Bullets of
the fame Caliver were never io like : S^te it nuA be
Charles , Csharles
SyL What d'ye mean by Chmrles f
kite. The Voice too, only a little Variation in Ejm
utflat: My dear Brother, for I mall call you fo, if you
fhould have the Fortune to enter into the moft DoUe
Society of the Sword, I befpeak you for a Comrade.
SjL No, Sir, I'll be the Captain's Comrade* if any
Body's.
Kite. Ambition there again f 'Tis a noble Paffion for
a Soldier ; by thit 1 gain'd this glorious Halberi. Am*
()iiion ! I fee a Commiflion in his Face already ; Praj,
noble Captain^ give me leave to faluie you,
[pffirs H Ofi ifr,
SyL What, Men kifs one another.
Kite. We Officers do ; *tis our way ; we live together
like Man snd Wife, always either kifling or Aghting :-«
But I fee a Storm coming.
SyL Now, Serjeant, I (hall fee who is your Captain by
your knocking down the other.
Kiti* My. Captain fcorns AMance, Sir.
Br«au
48 7ie Rtcrultini Officer.
Braxy How dare yoo contend for any thingf and not*
dare to draw your/tfword ? But you are a youn? Fellow,
and have not been much abroad ; I excufe that ; but:
prithee refign the Man, prithee do ; yoo are a very ho«
SRft Fellow.
P/um4. You lye ; and vou are a ^n of a Whore.
f Draws, and moAes up to Brazen.
Srax, Hold, hold, did not you refuie to fight for
the Lady f [Rairing,
Piume, I always do-*But for a man Til light Knee^
deep ; foyou lye again. [Plomc ^v^ Brazen^^^r a Tra*
<verfe or Two afiout tbt Stage ; Sylvia draws^ wbo is held
iy Kite^ wbojounds to Arms with bis Moutk ; takes Sylvia
in bis Arms , and earries ber off tbe Stage,
Braz. Hold, where's the Man ?
Plume, Gone.
Braz. Then what do we fight for? [Puts up, 1 Novf
let*8 embrace, my Dear.
Pkfne With all my Heart, my Dear.. {Putting up.'] f
fuppofe KifehM lifted him. by this time. [^Embraces i
Kite hjiks in andjin^t%
B^ax, You are a brave Fellow^ I always figh-t with a
Man before I make him my Friend ; and if once 1 find
he will fight, I never quarrel with him afterwards.
And now Til tell you a Secret, my dear Friend,
that Lady we frighted out oftlie Walk j.uft now, I found
in bed tnis Morning — So beautiful, to inviting— -I pre-
fently locked the Door— But I am a Man of Honour — —
Bu< I believe I (hall marry her neverchelefs— Her twentjr
thoufand Pounds, you know, will be pretty Cooveniency
•^I had an ^fiignation with her here, but your coming
fpoird my Sport. Curfe you, my Dear, but don't do iS
again**
Plume. N0| no, my Dear, Men are my Bufinefs at :
prefeni* \fixeuMt^
neZndoftbefrbitdhQrC.
AC'^'
Tbi Rearuiiing Offitit. ^^
ACT IV.
SCENE, Tti fTali coHiimiCs.
Emter Rofe m'nd Bollock, meetimg.
\ 7 Here kave yoa been, you great Booby ? 709
are always out of the way id the cime of
Piefcnneiic*
BmL Preferment ! who fliould prefer me ?
Rwfo. I would prefer you ! wno fhoutd prefer a Man
but A Womao ? Come* throw away that ereat Club,
hold up your Head, cock your Hat, and Iook big.
Bmi* A\k Pit^Jit R^}/tf i fear fbmc body will look h\g
(boner than Folk think of: This genteel Breeding never
cornea into the Country without a l*rain of Folkiwer?.—
Here has been Qmrtwl^ti your Sweetheart, what will be-*
come of him ?
Ibffi. Look*e, I'm a ereat Woman, and will provide
for mv Relations : «i told the Captain how finely ho
play*a upon the Tabor and Pipe, fo he has let him dowa
lor Orum*major.
But. Nay, SiAer, why did not you keep that Place for
ine f you know J have always lov^d to be a drumming,
if it were but on a Table, or on a Quart Pot.
Enter Sylvia.
SyL Had I but a Commifiion in my Pocket, I fancjr
my Breeches would become ne as well as any ranting
Follow of *em all $ for I uke a bold Step, a rakifli Tofs,
a froart Cock, and an impudent Air, to be the principal
Ingredients in the Comoofition of a Captain-^-*- What's
liere? Rc/t i my Nurfe^s Daughter ! Pll go and pra^ife
— Come, C hild, kifs me at once, \^Kiffet Rofe] and her
Brother tool ■■Well, honeft Dunj^fork^ do you know
the difference between a Horfe and Cart, and a Cart
Morfe, eh }
Buf* I prefume that your Woribip is a Captain, by
your Cloatns and your Courage.
Sji. Suppofe 1 were, would you be contented to Ii(l«
Friend I
Rffi% NOi ttO| tHough your Worilup be a baodfome
1A^t$
Man, there be others ai fine asyou). my Brother is eD»
gaged to Captain Piumi,
Syl. Plumt I Do you know Cti^taki Flumt ?
Ro/e. Yes, I do, and be knowi mn— He took the Rib*
bands out of hiif Shirt S1cev«9| ani put 'effi-in(o my
Shoes — See there^I can aiTure yQv tbac I can do any
thing with the Captain.
Bid. Thit 11. ID a niodeA way. Sir.^-— Hate'a care
ivh^tyoufay* Rut^t don't diaoie yfMir.Par«ntafe»
ko/t N&y, for that niatter* I amnotfo finpleatto.
fay that 1 can do any thing wicb tha Captaior but what I
may do with any body die,
SjfL 80 !■■ ■ And pray what do yoo expert from this
Captain, Child f .
Rc/i, lexped:, Sir 1-— Faxpe£l-«»Bathe Qrdcr^d me to
tell Nobody*— 'But foppofe that he flioald propofe to
marry me ?
. Sy^, You (hoald hare a care, my* Dear» Med will p'o«
mife any thing before-hand.
R»/e, I know chat, bat he promiie'd to marry me af«
terwards. • •
BhL Wouns,. ^Kii/i, what have yoBi feid ?
Syl. Aftcrw;rdb: After what ?
Ro/i» After i had loid my Chickens.— -I hope theve's
1^ harm in that.
Enttr- Phi me.
P/ume, What, Mr. fy'tJ/ul, fo clofe with my Market*
Woman !
Sri. ni try if he lotres her. [J/dt.} Clofe^ Sir^ ayi
and clofer yet, Sir-<-Comei my piecry Maid, youondl
will withdraw a little/
Plumt. No, i)o. Friend, I ha*nt done with her yet.
SyL Nqt have I begun with her, fo 1 have as gQo4*
Right as you have.
Plume. Thou art a bloody impudent PeHow,
^/ . Sir, .1 would qualify m^^ielf for the Service.
flume. Had thou really a mind to the Service.
SyU Yes, ^'vt : So let her go.
Rofe, Pray, Gentlemen, don't be fo violent.
Piume Co0e# leave it to the Girl's own Choice . ■ ■ ■■
Will you belong 10 me, or to that Gentleman ?
Refi^ Lccmeconiider» you're hoih very haiidfome;
tlfunt.
Tbi Recruiting Officer. 51
mi» Now the natural Inconftaocx of her Sex begins
rk.
/. Pray. Sir, what will you give me ?
. Dunna be angrv. Sir; that my Siller (hould be
:nerary, for (he'i b\it young.
Give thee. Child !— (Ml iti thee above Scandal ;
kail have a Coach, with fix before and fix behind ;
luipage to make Vice fa(hionable, and put Virtue
\ countenance,
me, Pho, that'f eafily done ; I'll do more for thee,
« I'll buy you a Furbeloe- Scarf, and give .you a
It to fee a Play.
I. A Play 1 Wajins, Ru^t, take the Ticket, and
ire the Shovir.
Look*e, Captain I if you won't refigni Pll go lift
Captain Bnnun this Minute.
me. Will you lift with me if I give up my Title }
, 1 will.
mt. Take hefj Til change a Woman for a Man at
me.
It I have heard before, indeed, th^t you Captains
a fcLl your Men.
I Pray, Captain, do not fend Rut/t to the Wifttrn
me. Ha, ha, ha, WifiJndiu!' No, no, my honeft
give me thy Hand ; nor you, nor (he, (hall move
farther than I do This Gentleman is one of us,
'ill be kind to you, Mrs. Ro/e.
7. Dut will you be fo kind to me. Sir, as the Cap-
/ould?
. I can't be altogether fo kind to you, my CHrcum- '
;s are not fo good as the Captain's; but l*Jl take
of you, u^on my Wed.
f/w«. Ay, ay, we'll all take Care of her ; (he (hall
ike a Princcfs, and her Brother here (hall be
: would you be?
'. O ! Sir 1 If you had not promis*d the Place of
I major—
tmt. Ay, that is promised*— But whar think you of
ck mailer ? Vou are a Perlbn of Underilanding,
lai rack-mailer you (hall be. - But what's become of
amc Cart-wbiel you told mc of, my Dear ?
Rofi.
52 Tie Recruiiing Officer.
R^fi, We'll go fetch him. — Come, Brother Barrack^
mailer— We (hall find you at home, noble Caprain ?
\Ex€unt Rofe and Bullock.
Plumt^ Ye», yes ^ and now^ Sir, here are your fortjj,
Shi lings.
6y. Captain ?hmt^ I defpife yoor liflitig money ; if I
doferve, 'tis purely for Love *-^ of that WekTch, i rocan>
— ^-i-or yon mull know, that among my other Sallies,
1 have fpent the bed part of my i*ortane in fearch of a'
Maid, and could never find one hitherto ; ib you may be
alTurM rd not fell my Freedom auder a.lefs Purcbafe
than ] did my £Hate-*So before 1 lift, 1 mnii be ceriified
thai this Girl is a Virgin.
Flumi, Mr. WilfuU i can't tell you how yoa can he-
certified in that Point till you try % but upon my Hononr
ihe may be a Veftal for oaght that 1 know to the con*^
trary.^— I ^ain*d her Heart iiideed by fiime trifling Prefents.
and Promifes, and knowing that the beft Secuntv for a
Woman's H<^t is her Perfon» I would have made m^'^
fejf Mailer of that too» had not the Jealoiify of my im*>
pertinent. Landlady, interpos-d*
^yl. So you only want an Opportumty for acGomplifli«>'
i9g your Defigns upon heix
Plume. Not at all ; I have^ already gained my Endi^
which were only the drawing in one or two of her Fol*
lowers. The Women, you know, are the Loadflones
t^tty where ; gain the Wives, and you arc carefs'd by
the Hu/bands ; pieafe the Miftrefs, and you are vahied-
hy the Gallants ; fecure an Intereft with the fineft Wo-,
men at Court, and you procure the Favour of the great*
ell Men-«-So kifs the prettied -Country-wenches, and you
are fure of lifting the luftieft Fellows. Some people may
call this Artifice, but I term it Straugem, fince it is fo
main a part of the Service Befides, the Fatigue of
Recruiting is fo intolerable, that unlefs we CQuld make
ourfelveslome pleafure amidft the Pain, no mortal Maa.
would be able to bear it.
SyL Well, Sir, I am fatisfied as to the Point in Debate i-
but now let me beg you to lay afide your Recruitings
Airs; put on the Man of Honour, and tell me plainly^
what Ufage I muft expe£l when; I am under your Com«
nu^nd I
^i Recruiting Officer. 3 j
PJmmt» Yoa muft.know, in the fird place, rhcn, that
I hate to have Gentlemen in my Company ; for they are
always troublefome and expenfive, fjniotinies dangerous ;
and 'tis a conllant Maxim amongft us, that thole who
know the lealV, obey the bell. Notwithlhnding all
this« I find fomething (b agreeable about you, that en-
pgea me to couit your Company; and 1 can't tell how
It is, but I fliould be unea(y to fee you under the Com-<
mand of any body elle— Your Ufage will chiefly depend
opon your Behaviour ; only lliis you mull cxped, that it*
yott commit a fmali Fault. I will excuse it; if a great
one, iMl difcharge you ; for fomething telli me« 1 (hall
not be able to punilh you.
SjL And fomething tells me, that if you do difcharga
me, 'twill be the greateft Puniihment. you can inflidt ; ^r
were we this Moment to go upon the greateft Dangers in
your Profeflion, they would be lefs terrible to me, than
to ftay behind you— And now your Hand, this lilU me-—
And now you are my Captain.
Pimm. Your Friend, [Kijjiei her.'] 'Sdeath ! There's
Ibmething in this Fellow that charms me.
Sji, One Favour I mall beg-<— I'his Affair will make
ibme noi(e, and 1 have foroe Friends that would cenfure
my Cgnduvtl. if 1 threw my I'elf into the Circumilance of
a private Centinel of my own Head-—! mud therefore
take care to be impiell by the Ad of Parliament, you
ihall leave that to me.
PiuM$, What you pleafe as t ) that ■ ■ Will yoo-
lodge at my Quarters in the mean time } You Ihall have
part of my Red.
SyL O fyt I Lie with a common Soldier ! Would not
you rather lie with a common Woman ?
Piumt. No, faith. Tin not that Rake that the World
imagines ; I have got an Air of Freedom, which People
millake for Lewdnefs in mc, as they miilake Formality
in others for Religion->«The World is all a Cheat ; only
I take mine, which is undcfignM, to be more excufaMo
than cheirs, which is hypocritical. J hurt Nobody but
myself, and they abufe all Mankindo-^Will you lie wiili
me?
SjL No, no, Captain, you. forget Roji ; Ihe's to be
suy Jicdfdlow, you know.
54 7'^^ RearuUing Cffiiit:
Plum. I had forgot ; ptky be kind to her.
{Extant fiviratijf^
Entir Melinda mmI Lacy.
Mel. 'Tis the greateft Mitrortane in Natnre fi>r'a Wo- -
man to want a CooMent : We are To weark, that we caa
do nothing without AffilUnce, and then a Secret racki •
ui worfe than the Cholic ) am at thii Minute to lick
of a fecret. that Vm ready to £unt away— Help oie, Luc^.
Luc. Blefs mft, Madam ! what'i the Matter f
Mil. Vapours only, I i^egin lo recover^— '-—Tf ^Aota
were in Town, 1 could heartily forgive her Faolct for the
l^afe of difcovering my own.
Luc. You're thoughtful^ Madam I am not 1 worthy
to know the Caufe ?
Mil, You are a. Servant^ and & Secmt may make yo«
fcacy.
. Luc. Not unle&yoa fhouldfind fadcwithoota Caafe^.
Madam.
MiL Caufe or not Caufe, I mu0 not ]of» rhe Pleaforr
of chiding when I pleafe ;. Women nuift difcharge theif
Vapours fomewhere. and before we get Hufbandf oar
Servantf mud expedt to bear with *em«
Luc. Then, Madam, you had better raife me to a De«
greeabovea Servant: Yoa ki^ow my Family, and that
500 /. would fet me upon the foot of a Gentlewoman,
auid make me worthy the Confidence of any Lady in the
Land ; befides. Madam, 'twill extremely encourage me
isi the great Defign I now have in hand.
MeL 1 don't find that your Deiign can be of any great
Advantage to you : * Twill pleaie me, indeed, in the
Humour I have of being revengM 00 the Fool for his Va-
nity of making Love to men \o I don't much care if £
do promife you five, hundred Pounds upon my Day of
Marriage.
Luc, This is the way, Madam, to make me diligent
in ihe Vocation of a Confident, which I think is gene-
rally to bring Per.ple together.
MeL O Lucy ! I can hold my Secret no Tonger : Vout
muil know, that, hearing of the famous Fortune-teller in
Town, I went difguifed to fatisfy a Curiofity, which hal
cok me dcdr :. TJiat Fellow is. certainly the Devil, or one
of
Tie Recruiting Officer^ gg
' t>t fai9:^Bo0in4kvoafit€», he Has told me the moft fari'rif.
ing Things of my paft Life ? —
Luc, l'.hing« patt, Madam, can hardly be reckdn'd
furprifing, becauffc we know them already. Did he cell
yoo any thing furpf iiiiig that was to -come ?
. M/. One thin«» ^try furprifir^ ; he faid I fliould die a
Atf4Ud!
Luc. Die a Maid ! Come into the World for nothing
^^DtW' Mad^Hn, if yoa (hould believe him, it might
come to pafs ; for the bare thought on't might kill one
in four-and- twenty Hx>ur9— And did you aik him any
Qceftions alx>ut me ?
MeL Yon! Why, I pafs'd fi}r yoo.
Luc. So *tis I that am to'die a Maid-~Butthe Dbvil
'Waa a Liar from the beginning, he can't make me die a
Maid — I have put it out of his Power already. \,^JtJf»
Mil, 1 do but jeft, i would have pafs'd for you, and
caird mvfelf Lucy ; but he prefently told me my Name,
my Quality, my Fortune, ai d gave me the whole Hif-
tory of my Life-^-*He told me of a Lover I had in this
Coumqp, and dcfcribed ^vrt/jy exadlly, but in nothing
• fo well as in his prefect Indifference. — I fled to him for
Refoge here to-day, he never fo much as encouraged me
in my fright, but coldly told me, that he was forry for
the Accident,' becaufe it might give the Town caufe to
cenfiire my Condud, excused his not waiting on mc
home, made me a carelefs Bow, and wdlk'd o^; 'SdeathI
J could have (labb'd him, or myfelf, 'twas the fame thing
•—Yonder he comes — I will fo ufe him !
Luc, Don't exafperate him, confider what the Fortune-
teller told you : Men are fcarce, and as Times go, it is
not impoflible for a Woman to die a Maid.
Enter Worthy.
MeL No matter.
fTor. I find fhe's warm'd, I mull ftrike while the Iron
is hot— ^— You have a great deal of Courage, Madam* to
venture into the Walks where you were fo lately
frightened..
AfiL And you have a quantity of Impudence to ap^
pear before me, that you have fo lately affronted.
Wir. I had no dcfign to affront you, nor appear before
yoo ctther. Madam; 1 left yoa here, beCaufe i had Buii-
neia
•^6 ^FbiRicruking Oficef:
nefs in another Place, and came hither thinking to m
another Perfon,
Mel. Since you find yourfelf difappointed, I ho
you'll withdraw to another part of (he Walk.
, If^or. The Walk is broad enough for us both. [f<
tiuaU hy out another ^ hi with his Bat eock'dt fie fretti
'and tearing her Fan,"] Will you plcafe to take Snuff, N5
dam I {He offers her his Bex, fieftrikes it out of his Han
MAihiJe he is gathering it up^ Brazen takes her round
Waift^ cuffs him.
Enter Brazen.
Bfax, What, here before roe, my Dear!
MeL What means this infolence ?
Luc. Are you mad ! Don'^ you fee Mr* Worthy ?
[To Brazi
Braz. No, no, I'm ftruck blind——^<7r/^ / od
well turn'd — My Miftrefs has Wit ather Fingers ends-
l^adam, 1 afk your Pardon, 'tis our way abroad^— ^
Worthy i you are the happy Man.
Wor. i don't envy your happinefs very much, if 1
Lady caii afford np other fojrt of Favours but what i
has beftow'd upon ypu.
Mel I am forry the Favour mifcarried, for it was <
fign'd for you, Mr. Worthy ; and be aiTur'd 'tis the 1
and only Favour you muft expert at my Hands. -^Ci
tain, I afk your Pardon—— [Exit with Lu(
Braz. I grant it- — You fee Mr. Worthy ^ 'twas onl;
Random-fhot, it might have taken off your Head as «!
as mine ; Courage, my Dear, 'lis the Fortune of Wi
but the Enemy has thought fit to withdraw, I think.
Wor. Withdraw 1 Oons, Sir I what d'ye mean
withdraw ?
Brax. I'll fhew you.
Wor, She's loft, irrecoverably lofl, and Plume's Adv
ha^ ruin'd me : 'Sdeath ! why ihould *I, that knew J
haughty Spirit, be rul'd by a Man that^s a Stranger
her Pride?
Enter Plume.
Plume. Ha, ha, ha, a Battle Royal : Don't frown
. Aflan, (he's your own, I tell you : I faw the Fury of 1
Love in the Extremity of her Paffion : The Wildoefi
her Anger is a certain Sign that Ihe lovea yoii to M;
Hi
TOr Recruiting Officer. j^y
mtts. That Rogue Kiti began the Battle with abundance
of ConduA, and will bring you off" vidorious, mv Life
on*c ; he plays his part admirably, ihe*s to be with hitn
jigain prefently.
fV^r. Bat what could be the Meaning of Brazett*t
■Familiarity with her ?
Plkmi. You are no Logician, if you pretend to draw
"Confeqaencf 8 from the Anions of Fools : l'here*8 no
arguing by the Rule of Reafon upon a Science without
Principles, and fuch is their Condudt-*-— Whim, unac-
codnuble Whim, hurries *em on like a Man drunk with
Brandy before ten o'Clock in the Morning — But we lofe
our Spoit— — iT/Vf has open'd above an hour ago, let's
-away* lExeumi^
SCENE, J Cbamher ; a Table nuitb Books Md Ghheu
Kite difguis'd in a firange Habit ^ fitting at a Table.
Kite. [Rifing."] By the Pofuion of the Heavens, gain'd
from my Oblcrvauon upon thefe Celedial Globes, I
find that Luna was a Tide-waiter, S§1 a Surveyor, Mer-
cury a Thief, Fenus a Whore, Saturn an Alderman, Ju'
jfiier a Rake, and Mars a Serjeant of Grenadiers ; ans^
this is the Syftem of Kite the Conjuror.
Etfter Plume and Worthy,
Plusne. Well, what Succefs ?
Kite, I have ient away a Shoemaker and a Taylor al*
ready ; one's to be a Capt lin of Marines, and the other
^ft-Major of Dragoons — 1 am to manage them at Night—
Have you feen the Lady, Mr. Worthy ?
Wor. Ay, but it won't do — Have you (hew'd her her
'Name, that I tore off from the bottom of the Letter ? .
Kite. No, Sir, I referve that for the lafl Stroke.
Plume, What Letter?
Wor* One that I would not let you fee, for fear that
you (hould br^ak Windows in good earned. Here, Cap-
tain, put it into your Pocket-book, .and have it ready
-upon Occafion [KnocUng at the Door.
Kite. Officers to your Pofts. Tyeho minH ihe Door.
\ExeuntY\\imt and Worthy. Servant opens the Door,
Enter a Smith.
Smith, Well. Mafter, are you the Cunning-man ?
JSate, I am the learned Copernicus^
Smithy
58 tbi Rieruitiiig tffictr.
Smith. Welly Mufteft Vm but a poor Man, and 1
can*( ktf'ord above a Shilling for my fortune.
. Kin* I'erhaps that is more than *tta worth.
Smith. Loi K>, DoAor, lee me have foiDethin|[ that's
good for my Shilling, or Til have m^ Money team.
Kiti, If there be Faith in. the Stan, you Aall havt
your SKilline forty-fold Your Hand, Couotrynlau,
you're by 1 rade a Smith.
Smith How the Devil Oiould yon know t^at ?
Kite. Becaufe the Devil and you are Brother-tradef-
men—- You were born under Fortefs.
Smith. Forceps ! what* that !
Kiti. One of the Sigiis : There's Lett Sagittarius^ T^f*
<9f$^ Furnet^ Dixmu^it Namur, BrnJJih^ Charieroy, and
fo forth — Twelve of 'em — Let me fee— —Did you ever
make any Bombi or Cannon-ballets }
Smith, Not r.
Kite. Yoo either have or will — ^The Stars have decreed,
that you (hati be ■ I rouft have more Money, Sir—
Your Fortune*8 great.
Smith. Faith, DoAor, I have no more. |
Ki/e. O Sir, Til trufi you, and take it out of yoor
Arrears.
Smitl\ Arrears ! what Arrears ?
Kitf. The five hundred Pounds that's owing to yoo
from the Government.
^mith. Owing me I
Kite. Owinp you. Sir— Let me fee your t'other Hand
•—I beg your Pardon, it will be owine to you : And the
Rogue of an Agent will demand Fifty per Cent, for a
Forinij>hi'8 Advance.
Smith. Vm in the Clouds, Do61or, all this while*
Kite. Sir, 1 am above 'em, among the Stars — In two
Years, three Months, and t«»o Hours, you will be made
Captain of the Forges to the Grand Train of Artillery,
and will have ten Shillings a Day, and two Servant s-r—
'Tis the Decree of the Stars, and of the fixed Stars, that
are as immoveable as your Anvil — Strike, Sir, while ttie
Iron is hot — Fly, Sir, be gone.
Smith. What ! what would vou have me do, Doflor? I
wi^ the Stars would put me in a way for this fine Place.
JOte. 1 he Stiu-s do— •let me fee^ay^ about an Honr
hence
^e kecmting Officer. 59
iitnte wtlk'careltrsly into the Market-place, and you'll
lee a tall, flender Gentleman, baying a Pennyworth of
Apples, with a Cane hanging upon his Button — —This
Xjentleman will aflc you what's a Clock He's your
Man, «nd the Maker of your Fortune Follow
him, follow him -And now go home, and take
leave of yonr Wife and Children ; an Hoar hence exactly
is your Time.
Smi/L A tall flender Gentleman, you fay, with a
Cane I Pray, what fort of Head has the Cane ?
Kite. An Amber Head with a black Ribbom
Smith, And pray of what Employment is the Gentle*
nan ?
Kiti. Let me fee, he's either a CoUeflor of the Excifc,
or a Plenipotentiary, or a Captain of Grenadiers ■ I
can't tell exaflly which— but he*ll call you honeil— your
Name is
Smith. Tbomai,
Kitt. He'll call you honeft Toin.
Smith. But how the Devil (hould he know my Name f
Kite. O there are fevcral forts o^Toms-^Tom of Lincoln ^
Tom tit, Tom TellTruth, Tom o* bedlam, and Tom Feol-^^
begone-i-An Hour hence pracifcly. [Knackirg at the Door.
Smith. You fay, hs'll aflc me what's o^Clock ?
Kite. Moft certainly And you'll anfwer you don't
know— And be fure you look at St. Mary's Dial ; for the
Sun won't (hine, and if it Ihould, you won't be able to
tell the Figures,
Smith, fwill, I will. [Exit.
P/ume. Well done. Conjurer, go on and profper.
[Behind*
Enter a Butcher.
. Kite. What, my old Friend ?luck the Butcher! 1
bfitrM the furly BulI*dog five Guineas this Morning, and
and he refus'd it. \,^Jtde.
But, So, Mr. Conjurer, here's Half a Crown — And
now you mufl underftand —
Kite. Hold, Friend, 1 kndw your Bufinefs before-
hand
But. You're ddviiifh cunning then, for I don't well
know it myfelf.
Kite. 1 know more than you, Friend-*— You haVc ft
Vol. II. ' K fooUtti
6o The Recruiiiffg Officer.
foolifli Saving, that fuch a one knowi do more than tlie
Man in the Moon : I tell you, the Man in the Mooo
knows more han all the Men under the Sun : Don *c the
Moon fee all the World /
But. All the World fee the Moon, I muft confeff.
Kite. Then Hie mufl fee all the World that's certain-*
Give me your Hand^Vou^ie by Trader cither a tiitcher
or a Surgeon,
But. I'rue, I am a Butcher.
^ Kite. And a i^urgeon you will be, the Employment!
difler only in the Name.— —He that can cut up an Ox^
may diifcfl a Man ; and the fame Dexterity that crackf
a MarrowbiHie. will cut off a Leg or an Arm.
Bui. What d'ye mean, Do£lor, what d*ye mean ?
Kite. Patience, Patience, Mr. Surggon-geueral i the
Stars are great B(;dics, and move Auwly.
But, But what d'^e mean by Surgfen-generalt Doflor I
Kite. Nay, Sir, i^" your Worftip won't have Patience,
I mull beg the Favour of your Worfhip's Ab(ence.
But. My Worfbip f my Worfiiip \ but why my Wor-
/hip?..
Kite. f^Ay then, I have done.
But. Pray, Dodlor
Kite. Fire and Fury, Sir ! [/?//// in a Pnjffion ] Do you
think the Stars will be hurried : Do the Stars owe yoo
anv Money, Sir, ihat you dare to dun their LordAiips at
this Rate f— Sir, Cm Porter to ^he Stars, and I am or-
dered to let no Dun como near their Doo^s.
But. Dear Do£tor, I never had any dealing with the
Sars, they don't owe me a Penny But fince you are
their Port.r, pleafe t^i ..cccpt of this Half-crown to drink
ihtir Healths, and don't be angrv.
Kite. Let me lee your Hand tnen once more— -^Here
has been Gold — Five Guimas, my Friend, in this very
Hand this Morning.
But. Nay, then he is the Devil — Pray, Doctor were
you born of a Woman ? or, did you come into the
World of your own Head ?
Kiie. That's a Secret— This Gold was offered yon by
a proper handibme Man, calPd Hawk, or Buxzw, or—
But, Kite you mean.
Kite. Ay, Ay, Kite*
7^ Recrmiing Officer. 6i
But. As arrant a Rogue as ever carried a Halberd.
The impudent Rafcal woqld ha?e decoy *d me for i Sol-
dier.
KU$. A Soldier ! a Man of your Sobtlance for a SoI«
dier t Your Mother has a hundred Pounds in hard Mo-
KKy^ lyuig at this Minute in the Hands of a Mercer^ not
forty Yards from this Place.
Bitt, Oons ! and fo ike has» but very few know fo
much.
* JCiii. I know it, and that Rogue, what's his Name,
Kite, knew it, and offcr'd you five Guineas to lift, be-
cauie he knew your poor Mother would ^ive the Hun«>
dred for voar Difcbarge.
But. There's a Dog now s'flefh, Doaor, Til
^ive yoa toother Half-crown, and tell me that this fame
Ki'/i will be hang'd.
Kite. He's in as much danger as any Man in the
County of Sa.hffi.
But, There's your Fee— but you have forgot x\t Sur-
geon-general all this while.
Kite, You put the Stars in a Paflion. [Lojh on hit
Books.l Bat now they arc pacified again-— -L:t mc fee,
did you never cut off a Man's Leg :
But. No.
Kite. Recoiled,, pray.
But. I fay, no.
Kite. That's ftrange, won:?crfal ftrange; but nothing
Is ftrange to me, fuch wonderful Ohin^cs have I fcen
—The Second, or Third, ay, the 1 liird Campaign that
,rou make in Flankers, the Leg of a great OfHcer will be
hatter'd by a great Shot, you will be there accidentaUy,
md with your Cleaver chop off the Limb at a Blow! in
hort, the Operation will be performed with fo much
Dexterity, that with general Applaufe you will be made
>urgeon-general of the whole Army.
But. Nay, for the matter of cuiting off a Limb. PH
Ig*t, Pll do't with any Surgeon in Europe ; but I have
\o Thoughts of making a Campaign.
Kite, You have no Thoughts I what's matter for your
Thoughts, the Stars have decreed it, and you moft go.
But. The Stars decree it ! OonS| Sir, the julHccs
:a*nt prefs me.
K 2 Kik.
'62 The Recruiting Officer.
Kile. Nay, Friend, "tis none .of my Bunnefs* I h«ve
done ; only mind this, you'll know more an Hour and
halfherice, that's all, farewcl.
:Buf, Hold, hold, Do6tor. Sorgeon-generali What
is the Place worth, pray ?
Kite. Five hundred Pounds a«Year, beitdes Guineas
for Claps.
But. Five hundred Pounds a Year !—^ An Hour and
Half-hcnce, you fay.
Kitf. Prithee, Friend, be quret, don't be troableibme,
here's fuch a Work to make a Booby Butcher accept of
Five hundred Founds a- Year — But if you mufl: hear it—"
ril tell you in (hort, youMl be Handing in your Stidl an
Hour and an Half hence, and a Gentleman will come by
with a SnufF-box in his Hand, and the Tip of his^Hand«
kerchief hanging out of his right Pocket ; he'll aflc yott
the Price of a Loin of Veal, and at the fame Time ftroak
your great Dog upon the Head, and call him Chopf§r.
But. Mercy on us ! Chopper is the Dog's Name.
Kite. Look'e there — What I fay is true— Things that
are to come, mufl come to pafs — Get you home, fell off
your Stock, don t mind the Whining and the Snivelling
of your Mother and your Sifter — 'Women always
hinder Preferment — —make what Money you can, and
follow that Gentleman, his Name begins with a P,
mind that — There will be the Barber's Daughter too,
that you promisM Marriage to — ihe will be pulling and
hauling you to pieces.
But. What! knosn Sally tool He's the Devil, and he
muft needs go that the Devil drives. \Going.^ The Tip
of his Handkerchief out of his left Pocket.
Kite. No, no, his right Pocket ; if ii be the left, 'tis
none of the Man.
But. Well, well, I'll mind him. [Exit.
Plume, The right Pocket, you fay.
[^Behind nvith b's Pocket'bo9i.
Kite. I hear the ruftling ot Silks. IKnotking,'] Fly, Sir,"
'tis Madam Meltnda,
Enter Melinda and Lucy,
Kite. Tychof Chairs for the Ladies.
Mel. Don't trouble yourfelf, we (ha'n't ilay^ Do6lof.
Kite
T6e Recruifi'/ig Officer. 63
fDte\ Your Ladyftiip is to (lay much longer than you
imagine.
Mel, For what ?
Ktte. For a Hu(band— — For your part, Midaai »
you won't for a Hafband. [To Lucy.
Lu£, PrSLy, Dodtor, do you convcrfe with ihc ^tars, or
the Devil ?
JOii, With both ; when I have the DeftVnies of Men
in fearch, I coiifult the Sars ; when the Affairs of Wo*
men come under my Hund'^ 1 advife with my t'other
Friend.
Mel, And have you rais'd the Devil upon my account ?
Kite, Yes, Madam, and he's now under the 1 able,
Luc: Oh Heavens proted us! Dear Madam, let's be
gone.^
'Ki4e, If you be afraid of him, why do you come to
confult him ?
Mel, Don't fear, Pool ; do you think, Sir, that be-
caufe I am a Woman, I'm to be f ol'd out of my Reafon,
or frightened out of my Stnfes ? Come, (hew me this
Pcvin
Kite, He*s a little bufy at prefent ; but when he hal
done, lie (Hairwaiton you.
Mel, What is he doing i
Kite. Writing your Name in his Pocket-book.
MeL Hi, ha I my Name 1 Pray what have you or he
to do with my Name ?
Kite tpok'e, fair Lady— the Devil is a very modeft
Perfon, he feeks Nobody, unlefs they fcek him firft ; he's
chain'd up like a MallifF, and can't Dir, unlefs he be let
loofe — You come to me to have your Fortune told-r-Do
you think, Madam, ihat I can anfwer you of my own
;ilead? No, Madam, the AiFairs of Women are fo irre-
gular, that nothing lefs than the Devil can give any Ac-
count of 'em. Now to convince you of your Incredulity,
I'll (hew you a Trial of my Skill — Here, you Cacademo
del Plumo exert your Power, draw me this Lady's
"Tj"ame, the Word Melinday in proper Letters and Cha-
rad^ers of her own Hand -writing — do it at three Motions
— one — two— three— 'tis done— Now, Madam, will you
pleafe to fend your M^id to fetch it ?
Luc, I fetch it \ the Devil fetch me if I do.
K 3 Mel.
64 l^he RecruHing Officer.
MeL My Name in my own Hand- writing ! that woolJ
be convincing indeed.
Kite, Seeing *s believing. [Goes to the Table, lifts up the
Carpst,] Here, Tre, Tre, poor 7><?, give me the Bone,
Sirrah. There's your Name upon that fquare piece of
of Paper, behold
Mel, 'Tis wonderful, my very Letters to a tittle,
Luc, 'Tis like your Hand, Madam, but not {a like
your Hand neither ; and now 1 look nearer, 'tis not like
your Hand at all.
Kite, Here's a Chamber-maid now will out-lic the De-
vil !,
Luc, I ook'e, Madam, they (ha'n't impofe upon us;
People can't remember their Hands, no more than, they
can their Faces — Come, Madam, let us be cejtain, write-
your, Name upon this Paper; then we'll compare ^tm,
[Takes cut a Paptr and folds it*
Kite, Any th.ing for your Satisfaction,. Madam— here's
Ptn and Ink. [Melinda ivrius, Lucy ho/ds the Pafe/,
Luc. Let me fee it. Madam: 'tis the fame— the very
fame- Eut I'll fccure one Copy for my own Affairs.
... . . . , lAjfde.
Mel, This is Demondration,
Kite, 'Tis fo, Madam The Word Demonftration
comes from D/tmon the Father of Lies.
Mel, WelU Dodlor, 1 am convinced ; and now, ptay,
what Account can you give of my future Fortune ?
Kite. Before the Sun ha§ made one Courfe round this
earthly Globe, your Fortune will be fix'd for Happineia j
or Mifery. |
MeL What fo near the Crifis of my Fate! |
Kite, Let me fee — About the Hour of Ten to-raorrow I
horning you will faluted by a Gentleman, who will |
come to take his Leave of you, being defigned for Travel; '
his Intention of going abroad is fudden, and the Occa-
fion a Woman. Your Foj tune and his are like the Bol-
Xti and the Barrel, one runs plump into the other—
In fhort, if the Gentleman travels, he will die abroad";
and if he does, you will die before he comes home.
MeL What fort of a Man is he ?
Kite. Madam, he's a fine Gentleman, and a Lover ;
Ibat is, a Man of very good Senfe, and a very great FooK
MM.
^he Recruiiing Officer. 6g
MeL How is that poffible, Do6lor >
Kite. Becanfe, Madam btcaufe it is fo A Wo-
«ian's Reafon is the beft for a Man's being a Fool.
Mel, Ten o'Clock, you fay I
Kite. Tcn-^about the Hour of Tea-drinking through-
out the Kingdom.
MeL Here, Do^lor. \pives Money. ^ ^ucy^ have you
any qucftions to a(k ?
Luc. Oh, Madam ! a thnufand.
Kife.'l muft beg your Patience till another Time ; for
I expefl more Company this Minute ; bcfides, 1 mull
difcharge the Gentleman under the Table.
Luc. O pray, Sir, difcharge us firft !
Kite, Tjcho, wait pn the Ladies down Stairs.
[5jr^«/?/ Melinda fi^.i/Lucy.
Enter Worthy ^nd Flume. ^
Kite* Mr. IFonl^y, you were pleas'd to wi/h me Joy
to- day, I hope to be able to return the Compliment lo*
morrow.
Wor. I'll make it the beft Compliment to yon that
ever I made in my Life, if you Jo ; but I muft be a Tra-
veller, you fay ?
Kite. No farther than the Chops of the Channel, X
prefume, Sir.
Plume. That tve have concerted already. [Knocking
ietrei,] Hey day f you don't profefs Midwifry, Dodlor ?
• Kite* Away to your Ambnfc^de.
[Exeunt Plume and Worthy.
Enter Brazen.
Sraz. Your Servant, Servant, my Dear.
Kite. Stand off, 1 have my Familiar already.
Braz. Are you bewitched, my Dear ?
Kite, Yes, my Dear : but mine is a peaceable Spirit,
and hates Gunpowder. Thus I fortify myfelf; [Draws
a Circle round him ] and now, Captain, have a care how
you force my Lines.
Braz. Lines ! What doft talk of Lines ! You have
fomething like a Fifliing-rod there, indeed ; but I come
to be acquainted with you, Man, — What's your Name,
my Dear ?
Kite. Conundrum,
K 4. Braz.
66 fbe Recruiting 0§ccr^
Brax. Conundrum ! Rat ine» I knew a famous Do£to»
ill London of your Name — Where were-you born ?
Kite, 1 was born in Algehra.
Braz, Ahehra ! 'Tis no Country ia Qhrifiendomt I'm
fare, unleis it be iom^ Place in the Highlands of
Scotland,
Kite. Right — I told you I was bewitch'd.
Bra%, So am I, my Dear ; I am going to be married
—I have had two Letters from a Lady of Fortune that
Joves me to Madnefs, Fits, Cholick, Spleen, and Va-
pours— ihall 1 m2itxy her in four-and-twenty Hours, ay,
or no ?
Kite. Certainly.
Bra%. I fhall !
Kite. Certainly : Ay, or no. But I muft have the
Year and the Day of the Month when thefe Letters were
^ated.
Braz. Whv, you old Bitch, did you ever hear of
Love-letters dated with the Year and Day of the J^onth;?
Do yott think »BiIlet-4eisx ate: like Bfink-bills ?
Kile. They are not fo^goodn my Deir biK \£\hef
bear no Date, I muft examine the Contents,
Braz. Contents! That you (halH old goy^ here dey
be both.
Kite, Only the laft you tcc^ivM, if yojj pleafe. [Tftket
tie Letter,] Now, Sir, if you pje^fe tp let pe cpnfult mf
Books for a Minute, TH fend this I^etter ioclo5'4 to you
with the Deterniipation of the Stars upon it to your
Lodgings.
Braz. With all my Heart-^I muA give him \_Pufs his
Hands in his Pocket,'] Algebra I J fancy, Do6lor, 'tis hard
to calculate the Place of your Nativity-r-Here : — [Giwi
him Money,] And if I fucceed. Til kiild a Watch-tower
on the lop of the higbeft Mountain in Wales for th^
Study of Ailrology* and the Benefit of the QMundrums,
lExii.
Enter Plume and Worthy*
Wor. O Dodlor I That Letter's worth a Million, let
me fee it ; and now 1 have it, Tm afraid to open it.
Plume. Pho ! let me fee it; {Opening the Letter.] If
ihe be a Jilt— Damn her, Ihe is one— There's her Name
at the Bottom on't«
Tie Recrmting Offictr. *€y
Wot. How ! Then I'll travel in good carneft
By all my Hopes, 'tis Lfuy\ Hand.
Plume, Lucys !
Wor. Certainly — 'tis no more like Mtlinia% Chara£ler
than black is to white.
Plume! Then 'tis certainly Lucy^t Contrivance to draw
in Brazen for a Hufbpd But are you fare 'tis not
MeUndd% Hand ?
Wor. You (hall fee; where!s the bit of Paper I gave,
you juft now that the Devil writ Melinda upon ? .
Kite. Here, Sir.
Plume, Tis plain they're not the fame ; and is this the
laalicious Name that was fubfcribed to the Letter, which'
made Mr* Ballance fend his Daughter into the Country ?
Wor^, The very fame, the other Fragment? I (hew'd .
you jufl now. I once intended it for another Ufe, but Ii
think I have turn'd it now to a better Advantage. .
Plume* But 'twas barbarous to conceal this fo long^ an^
to continue me fo many Hours in the pernicious Here^
of believing that ^Angelic . Creature., could change : Poor
Sykjia I'
Wor 4 Rich Syl*via you mean> and poor Captain, ha,
ha, ha! Come, come, Friend, iWif//Wtf is true, and
ihall be* mine ; Syhia is conflant, and may be yours.
Plume. No, (he's above my Hopes— But for her fake
PJl jrecant my Opinion of her Sex. .
Py fome the Sex is hlamd lioithout Defign,
Light harmlefi Cenfure^ fuch as yQur'*s and mine^
Sallies of Wit, and Vapours of our Wine,
Others the Ju/iice of the Sex condemn^
jfnd ^wanting Merit to create E^eent,
Wodd hide their own DsfeSls by censoring them*
Mvt they fecure in their, all conquering Charms ^
Laugh at the *vain Efforts of falfe Alarms ;
lie magnifies their Conquefts <who complains,
F/OTJiiute njoould ftruggle tuere they not /» C^^ff/. [Exeunt«:.
7be End of the Fourth. ACT.
AttTi
6i The: Recruiting Officer.
A C T V.
SCENE, Jujlice Ballance'j Hcufe.
Enter Ballance a/ti/ Scale.
Stali,T Say, 'tis not to be borne, Mr. Ballance*
X BaJ, Look'e, Mr. Sca/e, for my own part, F.
ftall be very tender in what regards the Ofilccw of the
Army ; they expofe their Lives to fd many Dangers for
us abroad, that wc may give them fome Grains of Al-
lowance at home
Sca/i. Allowance ! This poor Girl's Father is my Te-
nant ; anc} if I miilake not,, her Mother nurs'd a Chifd
for yoa — Shall they debauch our Daughters to our Faces ?-
JJaL Confider, Mr. Sca/e^ that were it not for the
JBravcryof thc.fe Officers, v/9 (hould have Fnftch Dra-
goons among us, thftt. would leave us neither Liberty,
Property, Wivcs> nor Daughters — Come, Mr. Sca/e, the
Gentlemen ar< vigorous and warm, and may they con-
tinue fo; the fame,Heat that (lirs them up to Lpve, (pars
them on to Battle. You never knew a great General k
your. Life; that, did not love a Whore. This I only
fpeak in Refprence to Captain Plume-, —for the other
Spark I know nothing of.
Scale. Nor can 1 hear of any body that does— OK, ^
here they come.^
Z^gr Sylvia, . BuUock, Rofe, Pri%nen ; ConfiahU and
Mob.
Conft. May it pleafe your Worfliips, we took them ia*
the very Aft," re infe^a. Sir. The Gentleman, indeed,
behav'd himfelf like a Gentleman ; for he drew -his
Sword and f>yQre, and afterwards laid it down and ikid
nothing.
Bal. Give the, Gentleman his Sword >again-^»— Wait
]JQU without, \^Exeunt Conjiable and Watch ] Tm forry.
Sir, \To S>lvia.] to know aXJentleman upon fuch Terms,
thatt the Dec ifion of our meeting (hould prevent the Sa« .
tipfaction pf an Acquaintance.
^: Sir,.yog^ need make no Apology for your Warrant,
AQif
I
The Rjgiruitittg Officer. 69
no more tban I (hall do for my Behaviour— My Innoceoce
is upon an equal Footing with your Au hority.
Scale. Innoceoce 1 Have not you feducd that ypung
Maid ?
SyL No, Mr. Goofecap. (he feduc'd me.
Bui. So fhe did, 1*11 fwear for flie proposed Mar-
riage firll.
Bai. What, then you are married, Child ! [/^ Rofe. •
Rdfe. Yes, Sir, to my Sorrow.
BuL WhowasWimefs? .
Bui That was I— I danc*d, threw the Stocking, and
ipoke Jokes by their Bedfide, I'm fure.
BaL Who was the Miniller ?
BuL Miniiler! We are Soldiers, and want no Mini-
fter They were married by the Articles of War.
BaL Hold thy prating, fool — Your Appearance, Sir, .
promifes feme underftanding ; pray what does this Fel-
low mean ? .
SyL He means Marriage, I think— but that you know
is lo odd a thing, that, hardly any two People under the
Sail agree in the Ceremony ; fonie make it a Sacrament,
others a Convenience, and others make it a JeA ; but
among Soldiers 'tis moft facred — Our Sword, you know,
is our Honour, that »*e lay down— The Hero jumps over
it firft, and the Amazon after Leap Rogue, follow
Whore — The Drum beats a Ruff, and lo to bed ; that's
all ; the Ceremony is concife.
BuL Atidi the prettiell Ceremony, fo full of Paftime-
and Prodigality-r-
BaL whsLt ! Are you a Soldier ?
Bu/* Ayi that I am — ^Will your Worfhip lend me your *
Cane, and Pll (hew you how I can exercile.:
Bal. Take it. [Strihi him §n;er the. biad."] Pray, Sir, .
what Commiflibn may ydu bear ? \To Sylvia. .
SyL I am callld Captain, Sir^ by all the Coffee-men,
Drawers, Whores, and Groom-porters in London \ for ^
I wear a red Coat, a Sword, a Hat bien troujfet^ a Mar-
tial Twin in my Cravat, a fierce Knot in my Periwig, a «
Case upon my Button, Piquet in my Head, and Dice io^i
my Pocket. . .
Static Your Name, pray Sir ? .
Sjh .Captain Pinch : . 1 cock iny Hat with a Pinch ; I
yo *The Recruiffyg Offifer.
take SmifF with a Pinch, pay my Whores with a Pinch*
in fhort, I can do any thing at a Pinch» but fight and fill
my Belly.
Bali. And pray. Sir, what brought you into Sbnf^
Jhire ?
Syl. A Pinch, Sir: I knew yoa Country Gentiemcn
want Wit, and you know that Ve Town Gentlem^a
want M.oney» and fp— -
BaL 1 undcrftand you. Sir— Here, Conftable
Enter Cen/fatUx
Take this Gentleman intp Cuflody t;]! farther Orders.
Ra/e. Pray,^ your Wor(hip don't be uncivil to hio^
for he did me no hurt ; he^s the moftharmlefs Man in ^t:
World, for all he talks fo..
Sca/f, ComCi comci Child^ I'll take care of you.
Syl, What, Gentlemen, rob me of my Freedom and<
my Wife at once ! Tis the. firftv time they eyer. went to-,
gcther,.
Ba/. Heark'e,' Conftable. - [ff'hi/pen him^
Confi, It (hall be donftj Sir,r-C0me along,, Sirl
[^;r^Mff/ Conftable, Bullock, ^v^ Sylvia
Bal, Come, Mr. ^CA/f,we!U manage the Spark prr--
Y«itl». X^XtUMf*.
SCENE^ MelindaV ^/>ir/«»«a/,
Knter. Meliftda and Worthy..
MeL So fkr Ihe Prediaion is right, — 'tis ttrt tXkdXf..
Qi^^f.], And pray, Sir, how Jong naye ypu.beenin thia.
travelling Humour?'
IVor. 'Tis natural. Madam, for us to avoid what dif--
tnrbs our Quiet;
MeL Rather the Love of Change,' which is more na«
tfiral,^ may b& the occafton of it.
Wor.T^ be fure, Mada», there muft be Charms yi
Vsancty,, elfe neither you nor \ fhould be ib fond of it-
Met, You miftakcv Mr..AK>r/^p,..I an^ not.fo fond of-
Variety as.to travel for't, nor do f think it Prudence in i
you to rua vourfclf into a certain Expence and. Danger,
in hopes ox- precarious Pleafure, which at.beft never an--
fwers Expeftation ; as 'tis, evident from the Example of
moft Travellers, that long more to return to their own
Country, than they did to go abroad*.
7i^ Recruiiing Offiar. yt
Wcr^ What Pkafures I may receive abroad are indeed
uncertain t but this I am fore of, I ihali meet with lefs
Cruelty amonjr the mod barbarous of NatLoDs, than I
have found atliome.
MeL Corae S\r, you and I havebceir jangling a great
whiles I fancy if we made up o^^f Accounts, welhould-
the ieoner come to an Agreement.
fFor^ Sure^ MadaQi, yon won't diiputr your being in
wy Debt— My Fears, Cighs, Vows, Promifes, A<B-
duities. Anxieties, Jealouiiev, have ran on- for a whole
Year without any Payment.
Af#/^ A Year I Oh,, Mr. »^r/^ / What yo« owe to v
me ia not to iM paid.under a . (even Years Servitude :
How. did yott.ufe.me.the Year before? when taking the
Advantage of. my. Innocence and Neceiirty, you would,
have made me your Miftrels, that is your Slave— ——Re-
member the. wicked, laiQauadon 5^. artful Baits, deceitful
Arguments, cunning • Pretences ; then your impudent
Behaviour, loofe ExpreiHons,- familiar Letters, rude Vi<t
fijts ; remember thofe, t^ofe, Mr. Worthy,.,
Wfi I .do remember, and am lorry 1 made no better •
ufe of.'eou l^AJid^,^ But you. may remember, Madam»,
tkati— -
MtL Sir, I*tt remember nothing— Ti« your Intsrefl^
that i (hould forget : .You have been barbarous to me, J^
have been cruel to you; put that and that together,- and -
let one balance the other- — Now if you will begin^tipon •
a new Score, lay afide your adventuring Airsr and . be-
have yourfclf handfomely till £m# be over $ here\s my
Hand, ni ufe you as a Gentleman flbould be«- .
' War. And if 1 don't ufe you as a.G en tlewomanr (hould ;
bip, .may this be my Poifon.. \J^^M^gh^ Hand: ,
Enter a S truant.'
S&. Madam, the Coach is at the Door^-.
Met* I am going to Mr. . Ballance's Country-hbufe to •
£et^my Cpufin Syiwa $ , I ^ave. done her .-am Injury, and i
can't be eafy till I have a(k'd her Pardon...
H^or. I dare not hope for the . Honour of waiting on \
you.
MeL My Coach is full ; but if you will be fo gallant
as xa mo^nt your own Horfea and follow U9> we £all be
7 2 The Recruiting Officer I
glad to be overtaken ; and if you bring Captain Plum'r
with you, we Ihan't have the worfe Reception.
f^or, 1*11 endeavour it. [Exit, leading Melinda*
•Nw SCENE, The Market'placi.
£«/fr Plume «»/ Kite.
Plume, A Baker, sl Taj/or, a Smithy Butcher, Carpen-
ters^y and Journeyman Sheemakers^ in all Thirty-nine — I
believe the fir It Colony planted in Virginia haa not more
Trades in their Company than I have in mine.
Kite. The 'Butcher , Sir, will have his Hands foil ; for
we have two Shecp-ftealers among us^— I hear of a fellow
too committed juft now for fiealing of Horfes. .
Plume. We'll difjiofe of him among the Dragoons—-
Have we never a Poulterer among us ? '
Kite. Yes, Sir, the King of tne Gipfies is a very good
one, he has an excellent Hand at a Goofe or a Turkey<r-
Here's Captain j^r^is^^iir. Sir; 1 muft golook after the
Men« [^xxV.
£;!r/fr Brazen, reading d Letter,
Braz^ XJm, utm um, the Canonical Hourw-Um, .urn,
very well — My dear Plume/ Give me -a Bufs.
Pi'ume, Half a fcore, if you will, my Dear : .What haft
got in thy Hand, Child ?
Braz, 'Tis a Projeet for laying out a thoufand Pound.
PJume, Were it not requifite ta projcft firft how to get
it in ^
Braz. Yovi can't imagine,- my -Dear, that I want
twenty thoufand Pounds ; I have fpent twenty times a&
much in the Service— Now, my Dear, pray advife me,
my Head runs much upon .Architedture,. fliall 1 build a
Privateer or a Play-houfe ? r
P/ume An odd Queftion— a Privateer or a. Play-houfe • *
Twill require fome Confideration — Faith, I'm tor a Pri-
vatecTi"
Braz., I'm^notof your Opinion,- .my. De^-^for in the.
firft Place a Privateer may be ill built. '
P/ume*^ And (o may a Play-houfe.
Braz* But a Privateer may be ill-manji'd ?
Plunie. And fo may a Play-houfe.
Braz, But a Privateer may run upon the Shallows.
Piume. Not lo often as a Play-houfi;,^
The Recruiting Officer: 73
JBraz. But yoa know a Privateer may fprin^ a Leak.
P/ume. And 1 know a Play-hou(e may fpring a great
many.
Bra«. But foppofe the Privateer come home with a
Vich Booty,, we diould .never agree about oar Shares.
Illume. 'Tis ju(l (b in a Play-hr ufe— — So, by my Ad-
vlce^ yott (hall Bx apon a Privateer.
Bra», Agreed But if this twenty thousand Pounds
fhould not DC in Specie —
P/ume, What twenty tiiBurand?
Brax. Hearfcjc. [Whifpen.
Plume. Married!'
Braz. Preiently, weVe to meet about half a Mile out
of Town at the Water- fide— and fo forth— [^f^i^V.] Ftr
fear T Jbould be kno*um by any ©/* Worthy' j Friends^ you
muft gi'ue me leave to lA/ear my.MaJk till after the Ceremony^
. mibich tuill make me forever yours -—^ — Look'e there, my •
dear Dog. [Sheius the bottom of the Letter to Plume.
Plume^ MelmdaL And by this Light, her own Hand!
Once more, if you pleafe, my Dear— Her Hand exadlly .*
Jofl. now, youiay?
Bra%* This Minute ImuH be gone.
Plume. ^ Have a 4ittle Patience, and I'll go with yoa.
Braz* No, no, I fee a Gentleman coming this way,
that may be inquiiitive ; 'tis Worthy^ do you know him ?
, Plume. By fight only.
ifraa^i.Have a care, the very Eyes difcovcr Secrets.
{Exit.
Enter Worthy.
,W9r. To Boot and Saddle, Captain; you muft mounn
Plume. Whip and Spur y.fVorthyy or you won't mount.
ff^or. But I (hall : Melinda and I are agreed ; ihe's
gpne to vifit Sylvia^ we are to mourtand follow ; and
coald we carry a Parfon with us, who knows what might
be^done for us bath }
Plume,. Do«'t trouble your.Hes^d, Melinda has fecur'd
a Parfon already.
If^or. Already ! Dq ypu know more. than \ ?
Plume. Yes, I faw it under her Hand— 5r^2«^» and ihe
are to meet half a Mile hence at the Water-fide, there to
take Boat, I fuppofe to be ferried over to the Eyfian
Y\f^i if there be any fu(;h Thing ia Msktrimony.
74 ^*« RecruMfig Officer.
IV w, I parted with Melinda jaft now, (he afliii'd me
ihe hated Braxeity and that (he rer<^T*d to difcard Lwj
for daring to write Letters to him in her Name. ji5
Piume. Nay, na/, there's nothing of Lucy in* this— I
tell ye, I faw Mt^Z/W^'sHandy as furely as thic is mine.
fp^of^. ButltdlyOQ fhe's.gone.diis Minuie. to Jullicc
BallaHcis Country-houfe.
P/tHite* But I tell yoi»> fhe^ ^^'^ this Mlnate to the.
Water- fide*.
Enter Servant:
Ser, Madam Melinda has fent word» that-you need not
trouble yourfelf to follow her, becaufe her Journey to
}\^^\Q^ Bailance^s is put off, ^ and fhe*s gone to take the
Air another way, \To Worthy*.
f^or. How! her Journey put offi'
P/««^. That isy her Journey was a put^ofF to you,
Wfit. *Tis plain^ plain— But how, where, when is fhc:
to mcet^^r<?%f«^
Pfume. Juil now, I telj you^ half a -Mile hence, at the.
Water-fide*. *
Mt^or. Up or down the Water?:
Pium, That I don^'t know.
Wx^. I'm. glad my Horfes are ready^-^^^^ get /em:
OUti:
PluiMo Shall I go with you ? ;
Wor. Not an Inch— I (hall return prefently. [JLnf.
Plume. You'll fkid me at the Hall; the Julticet arc
fitting by this time, and I mufl attend them»
&,CEN£^ A Court ofjufiice.: Ballancc, Stale, €mdJ
^Qixx^lt upcn tbt Benck : QoTi^zbXt^ Kite, Mob.
Kite and Conftable ad'vanee formiard,^
Kite, Pray, who are thofe.honourable Gentlemen upon.
the Bench ?
Conft, He in the middle is Ji^&ice Ballance, he on the-
right IS Juftice Sea/e, and he on the left is Jullice Scruff, .
and [ am Mr. Conflabie; four very honefl Gentlemen.
Kitf. O, dear Sir I 1 am your moft obedient Servant c :
[Saluting the Conftable.] I fancy, Sir, that your Employ-
ment and mine are much the fame ; for my Bufinefs is to
keep People in order, and if they difobey, to knock 'eoii'
down ; and then we are. both* Staff-officers. .
Qmjt.
Wt RicrmiiWf Officer. 75
€mi/f» Niy, Tin a Serjeant myfelf— of the Militia--*
Come, Brother, you Oull Cec me excrcife s fuppofe this
aMulket: No«v 1 am (hoalder*d
[/*«/! ^M Stiffen his right Shoulder ^
Kite* Ay, voa are Qioulder'd pretty well for a conihi*
ble's Staff ; Dt>t for a Mufket; you mud put it on the
#ther Shoulder, my Dear.
Confi Adfol that's true-^Come, now give the Word
of Command.
Kite. Silence.
Ox/. Ay, ay. To we will— W<; (hall be fiknt.
Kit§. Silence you Dog;, Silence 1
. [Strikts him o^er his Hta4 i^ffth his HaJierd,
Cm^.. That's the wa^ to iilence a Man with a wicocfs
—What d'ye mean. Friend ?
Kite, Only to exercife you. Sir.
Conft. Your Exercife differs io much from our», that
we (hall ne'er agree about ic ; if my own Captain had
given me fuch a.Kap, I had taken the Law of him«
Enter Plurrve,
Bai* Captain, you^re welcome.
Plume, 'Geotlemen, I thank you.
• Sermp. Come, honeft Captain, fit- by me. [Plume
ftfce^Afi and Jits upon the Bench, "] Now produce your Pri-
^ers--:Hcre, that Fellow there— fet him up. Mr.
-C^^fi^^Uj what have, you to fay againit this Man ?
Con^, I have nothing to fay againfl him, an pleafe you.
BaL No f what made you bring him hither ?
. Conft, J don't know, an pleafe your Worfliip.
Scale. Did nOfc the Contents cui your Warrant direft
]U>u what (oTX of Men to take up ?
Conft, I can*t rell, an pleafe ye ; I can't read,
Scru, A very petty Conftable truly 1 find we have
JBO fiufinefs here.
Kite, May it pleafe the Worfliipful Bench, I defire
to be heard in this Cafe, as being Counfel for Che
Queen.
Bal, Come, Serjeant, you fhall be heard, fince no
Body'elfe wllj fpeak ; we won't come here for nothing.
Kite, This Man is but one Man, the Country may
fpare him, and the Army wants. him; beiides, he's cut
out by Nature for a Grenadier ; hc*s five Foot ten Inches
• ". high;
y6 The Recruftifig OfficeY:
high ; he (hall box, wreftle, or dance the Cbejhlre Roun<
with any Man in the Country ; he gets drank every Sab
bath-day, and he beats his Wife.
Wife. You lie, Sirrah, you He; an pleafe your Wor
•fhip, he's the btil natur'd, pains- taking'ft ^jan in th(
Parifli, witoeis fny 'five poor (children.
6Vr«. A Wife ! and five Children ! You Conftablc,
you Rogi>e» how'duril you imprefs a Man that has a
Wife and five Children ?
^caU. Difcharge him, difchargc him.
Bal. Hold-, Gentlemen-:— -Heark'e, Friend, how do
you maintain your Wife and* five Children ?
Flume, They live upOn WiW-fowI and Venifon, Sir;
the Hufband k^ps a Gun, and kills all the. Hares and
Partridges within fiye Miles round.
Bal, A Gun ! nay, if he be fo good at Gunning, he
fhall have enough on't. He mav be of ufe againU the
French, for he (hoots flying to be lure.
Scru. But bis Wife and Children, Mr. BaVance !
Wife, Ay, ay, that's the Reaibn you would fend him
away, you know I have a Child every Year, and yoo
are afraid they fhould come upon the Parifli at laft.
Plume, Look'e there, Gentlerinen, the honed Woman
has fpoke it at once, the Pariih had better maintain ^it
Children this Year, than {vx. or feven the next : That
Fellow, upon this high Feeding, may get yoa two or
three Beggars at a Birth.
Wife, Look'e, Mr. Captain, the Pariih fhall get no-
thing by iending him away, for I won't lofe my Teeuh*
ing-time, if there be a Man left in the Parifh.
BaU Send that Woman to the Honfe of Corre6Uon«-«
And the Man
Kite* rU take care of him, if you pleafe.
\Take5 him donuni
Scale. Here you Conftable, the next Set up that
black- fac'd Fellow, he.has a Gun-powder Look ; what
can you fay againd this. Man, Conflable ?
Conft, Nothing, but that he is a very honelt Man.
Plume. Pray, Gentlemen, let me have one honeft Ma<
in my Company, for the Novelty's fake.
Bal, What are you. Friend }
Mvi. A Collier, I work in the Cole-pits^
Tbe Recruitifig Officer. 77
Situ, Look'e, Gentlemen, this Fellow has a Trade,
and the Aft of Parliament here exprcfres, that we are to
imprefs no Man that has any viilbie iVleans of a Liveli-
hood.
Kiie, May it pleafe your Worfliips, this PJan has no
viiible Means of a Livelihood, for he worlds .junder
Ground.
Flume. Well fajd, Kite ; befidcs the Army wants Miners.
BaL Right, and had we an Order of Government
for*t, we could raife you in this aud the neighbouring
County oi Stafford, five hundred Colliers that would run
you under-ground like Moles, and do more Service in a
5icge than all the Miners in the Army.
Scru. Well, Friend, what have you to fay for yourfclf J
M'ib, Vm married.
A//^. Lick-a-day, {bam I.
Mob^ Here's my Wife, poor Woman.
BaL Are you married, good Woman ?
IVom, Vm married in Confcience.
Kite, May it pleafe your Worfhip, fhe^s with Child in
Confcience.
Sca'e. Who married yoa, Miftrefs ?
JVom. My Hofband — we agreed that I (honld call him
Hufband, to avoid pading for a Whore ; and that he
fliould call me Wife, to fhun going for a Soldier.
Scru, A very pretty Couple ! pray. Captain, will you
take 'em both ?
Flyme. What fay you, Mr. Kite^ will you take care of
the Woman ?
Kite. Yesi Sir, ihe fhall go with us to the Sea-fide,
and there, if fhe has a Mind to drown herfelf, we'll take
Cire that Nobody fhall hinder her.
Bat. Here. Conllable, bring in my Man. [Exit.
Conflable.] Now, Captain, Til fit you with a Man, fuch
as you ne'er lifted in your Life. [Enter Conftable and
Sylvia.] O I my Friend Pinchy Vm very glad to fee yon.
SyL Well, Sir, and what then ?
Scale, yjh^t then ! Is that your Refpeft to the Bench ?
Syl. Sir, I don't care a Farthing for you nor your Bench
neither*
Scru. Look'e, Gentlemen, that's enough, he's a very
ftopudent Fellow, and fie for a Soldier.
Scale,
7 5 ^be Recruiting Officer.
Scale. A notorious Rogue^ I fay, and very fit for »
Soldier.
CoTifi. A Whore-mafter, I fay, and therefore fit to go,
BaL What think you, Captain F
Plume. I think he's a very pretty Fellow^ and there-
fore 'fit'^to fcrve.
Syl. Me for a Soldier ! fend your own lazy, lubberly
Sons at home ; Fellows thac hazard their Necks every
Day in the Purfuit of a Fox, yet dare not peep abroad to
look an Enemy in the Face.
Co?ifi» May it pleafe your Worfhips,. I have a Woman
at the Door to fwear a Rape againft this Rogue.
Sj/L Is it your Wife, or Daughter, Booby ? 1 ravi(h*d
•em both yellerday. »
BaL Pray, Captain, read the Articles of War, well
ke him liHed immediately.
P/u7ne, [Reacis.'l Articles of War againft Mutiny anl
Defertion— £fff.
Sjil, Hpld, Sir — Once more, Gentlemen, have a care
what yott do, for you (hall fe'verely fmart for any Vio-
lence you offer to me ; and you, Mr. Ballancef 1 fpeak
to yoii pitrticularly, you (ha I heartily repent iu
Plume. Look'e, young Sparki fky but one Worf
more, and Til build a Horfe for you as high' as the Ciel-
ing, and make you ride the moll tirefome Journey that
ever you made in your Life.
Syt. You have made a fine Speech, good Captaia
Huffcap ; but you had better be quiet, I fhall find a Wsy
to cool your Courage.
Plume, Pray, Gentlemen, don't mind him, he's dif*
traflcd.
SyL 'Tis falfe 1 am defcended of as good a Famiry
as any in your County ; my Father is as good a Man as
any upon your Bench, and I am Heir to twelve Hundred
Pounds a- Year.
Bal. He's certainly mad — Pray, Captain, read the Ar-
ticles of War.
Sjl. Hold once more — Pray, Mr. Ballance, to you I
fpeak, fuppofe I were your Child, would you uie me
at this rare ?
BaL No, Taiih^ were you mine, I would fend you to
Bedlam^ firtt, and into the Army afterwards.
Sjl.
Tie RecruUing OffiaK 79
fyi» BoC confider my Father Sir, he's as goo'd^ as ge»
tierouj» as brave, as juil a Man as ever ferv'd his Coun*
try; Vm his only Child, perhaps the Lofs of me may
break his Heart.
Bid. He's a very great Fool if it docs; Crptain, if
70a don't Kit him this Minute, Til Uave the Court.
Plume, Kite^ do yoa dillribute the Levy-money to the
Men while 1 read.
£jti. Ay, Sir Silence, Gentlemen.
{Plume r4ads the Articles of War,
Bal. Very well ) now, Coptain, let mc beg the Fa-
^OBrofyoQ, not to difcharge this Fellow upon any ac*
coant wnatfoever. Biing in the reil
Comfit There arc nu more, an't plca'e your Worfhip.
BaL No mofe ! there were five two Hours ago.
5y/. *Tts tmc, Sir, but this Rogue of a CoiiAable let
the reft efcape for a bribt of eleven Shillings a Man, be*
caafe» be faid« the Aft allowed him but ten, fb the odd
Shilling was clear Gains.
Mljuf. How!
ftp/. Gentlemen, he offered to let me go away for two
.Guineas^ but I had not ib much about me ; this is Truth,
and I'm ready to fwear it.
Kkt- And ril fwear it ; give me the Book, 'tis for the
good of the Service^
Meh^ May it pleafe your Wor/hip^ I gave him half ^
Crown to (ay that 2 was an honeil Man } but now, fincC
that your Worfhips have made me a Rogue, I hope I
fliall have my Money again.
BaL *Tis my Opinioni that this Conftable be pot into
the Captain's Hands, and if his Friends don't bring four
good Men for his Ranfom by To-morrow Night,— Cap*
: tain, yoj (hall carry him \o Flanders.
^ Scmii. Scruple. Agreed, agreed !
I, Plume. Mr. KJte^ take the Conftable into Cuftody.
Kite. Ay> ay,— :.ir, [Jo the Conftable.] will you pleafe
to have your Office taken from you ? Or will you hand-
; fomely lay down your Staff, as your Betters have done
i before you t fConftable drops his Staff,
\ BaL Come^ Gentlemen, there needs no great Cere-
' Okonyin adjourning this Court-*—— Captain, you fhall
^e with me*
I kite.
go Tbi Recruiting Officii^.
Kite, Come, Mr. Militia Serjeant, I fhall filence yiott
now> I believe^ without your taking the Law of me.
[Exeunt otnuis^
SCENE, The Fields.
Enter Brazen, leading in Lucy majk^d.
JSra», The Boat is jull below here.
Enter Worthy with a Cafe of Piftols jtnder his Arm*
Wor^ Here, Sir, take your Choice.
[Going between Vjw, and offering thtm*
Brax* What ! Piftols ! are they charg'd, my Dear ?
Wor, With a Brace of Bullets each.
Braz, But I'm a Foot Officer, my Dear, and never
life Piftols, the Sword is my Way— and I won't be pot
out of my Road to pleafe any iVIan.
fFor. Nor I nether ; fo have at you. iCods one Pifol
Braz. Look'e, my Dear, I don't care for Piftols—
Pray, oblige me, 4ind let us have a Bout at Sharps ; ^att
it, there's no parrying thefe Bullets.
IFor. Sir, if you ha'n't your Belly-full of thcfc, the
Swords fhall come in for fecond Courfe.
Braz. Why then, Fire and Fury I I have eaten Smoak
from the Mouth of a Cannon, Sir; don't think I iSstr
Powder, for I live upon't. Let me fee : [Taies om,]
And now. Sir, how many Paces diftant ftiall we fire ?
fFor, Fire you when you pleafe, I'll rcferve my Shot
tiUI am fure of you.
Braz» Come, where's your Cloak ?
Ji^or. Cloak ! what d'ye mean ?
Braz, 1 o fight upon ; I always fight upon a Clotl^
*tis our way abroad. 1
Lttc. Come, Gentlemen, I'll end the Strife. lUnmsJbJ
Wor, Lucy ! take her.
Braz, The Devil take me if I do— Huzza! \ Fires ik
PifoJ.'] D'ye hear, d'ye hear, you plaguy Harradan, hoH
thofe Bullets whiille; fuppofe they had beea lodg'dil
my Gizzard now I \
Luc, Pray, Sir, pardon me. ^
Braz. I can't tell. Child, 'till I know whether W^
Money be fafe. [Searching his Pocket^ Yes, ye», 1 01
pardon you, but if I had you in Rofe Tavern, Co'uent'
Garden, with three or four hearty Rakes, and three or
four
The Recruiting Officer. 8i
bur fmart Napkins, I would tell you another Story, my
>ear. [£*#/•
' MVr. And was MeUnia privy to this ?
Luc. No, Sir, (he wrote her Name upon a piece of '
•iper at the Fortune-teller's lall Night, which 1 put in
3y Pocket, and fo writ above it to the Captain.
Wtr, And how came Melinda^s Journey put off?
Luc. At the Town*8-end flie met Mr. Ballanct^%
teward, who told her, that Mrs. Sylvia was gone from
er Father's, and Nobody could tell whither.
iVor. Syhia gone from her Father's ! This will be
fe«s to Plume, Go home, and tell your Lady how near
was being fliot for her. [Exeunt,
)ntir Ballance nxiitb a Napkin in his Hand^ as rijen from
Dinner^ and Steward.
Stew, We did not mifs her till the Evening, Sir ; and
kn fearching for her in the Chamber that was my
oung Maftcr*s, we found her Cloaths there ; but the
W that your Son left in the Prefs, when he went to
4mdony was gone.
BaL The White trimm'd with Silver ? — .
' f /fu). The fame.
Bal, You ha'n't told that Circumilance to any body.
Stev), To none but your Worfhip.
Bal, And be fure you don't ; go into the Dining-
torn, and tell Captain Plume that 1 beg to fpeak with
^tenjj. I (hall [Exit,
BaL Was ever Man fo impos'd upon ? I had her Pro-
(Bfe, indeed, that (he would never difpofe of herfelf
Iridioat my Confent. I have confented with a Whnefs,
p'ren her away as my AA and Deed — And this, 1 war-
lot* the Captain thinks will pafs ; no, I fhall never
lirdon him the Villainy, firft of robbing me of my
^ghter, and then the mean Opinion he mull have of
se, td think that I could be fo wretchedly impos'd upon;
ftr JBXtravagant Faffion might encourage her in the At-
llipty bat the Contrivance mufl be his—— Pll know the
rath prcfehtly.— —
Entef
Enter Plume;
Pl-ay; Captam what have you done with your youttg
Gentleman Soldier ?
P)ume. He's at my Quarters I fiippofe, with the reft
t>f tny Men,
Bal, Does' "he keep Company with the common Sol-
ndiers ?
Flume. No, he's genefally with me >
Bal. He lies with you, I prefume.
Plume. No, 'faith, I ofFer'd him a part of my Bed— ^
"but the young Rogue fell itt Love ivith Ro/e, and his
lain with her, I think, fince fhe came to Town.
B'aL So that between you both, Rojk has been finely
xnanag'd*
Plume. Upon my Honlnir, Sir, fhe had no harm from
toe. ,
Bal. All's fafe, I find Now, Captain, you muft.
•know, that the young Fellow's Impudence in Court was
Vs'tW grounded ; he faid I fhould heartily repent his being
lifted, and fo I do from my Soul*
Plume. Ay ! for what Reafon ?
Bal. Becaufe he is no lefs than what he faid he wasv
horn of as good a Family as any in this Country, and he
is Heir to twelve hundred Founds a- Year.
Plume, I'm very glad to hear it Foi- I want butt
Man of that Quulity to make my Company a perfeft Re»
prefentative nf the whole Commdns of England,
Bal. Won't you difcharge him ?
Plume. Not under a hundred Pounds Sterling. \
. Bal. You fhall have it, fOr his Father is my intifflttti
friend, j
Plume. Then you fhall have him for nothing. J
Bal. Nay, Sir, you fhall have your Price. ^ . f
Plume. Not a Penny, Sir; 2 value an Obligatioii b
you much above an hundred Pounds.
Ba'. Perhaps, Sir, you fha'n't repent your GeneroClf^
Will you pleaie to write his Dilchargein my Poclcc^i
book ? [Gi'ves bis Book J] In the mean time^ we'll tak\
for the Gentleman. Who waits there?
Enter a Servant.
Go to tho Captain's Lodging, and enquire for ^t. U^
/ml, tell him his Captain wants him here immediately.
y
The Rifcmi/ing Officer: ^j
Srr. Sir, the Gcnileman's below at the Door, cnquir*
i&g. for the Captain.
F/ume. Bid him come «p— Here's the Difchargc, Sir.
BaL Sir, I thaak you ' Fis plaia he had no hand
in't. [Jfide.
Enter Sylvia.
SyL I think. Captain, you might have usM me better
than to leave me yonder among your fweariug. drunken
Crew ; and you, Mr. Juflicc^ might have been fo civil as
to Have invited me to Dinner, for I have eaten with as
good a Man as your Worfhip.
Plume, Sir, you mud charge our want of Refpeft upon
our Ignorance of your Quality — hut now you are at
Liberiy— I have difcharg'd you.
Syh Difcharg'd me I
iaL Yes, Sir, and you mud once more go home to
your Father.
' SyL My father ! Then I am difcovcr'd Oh, Sir,
^KftedHfig,] I expeft noPardon.
Bal, Pardon ! No, no. Child, your Crime <hall be
your Punifliment^ here, Captain, I deliver her over to
the Conjugal Power for her Chaftifement : Since fhe will
be a Wife, be you a Hufl)and, a very Hulband — whea
fhe tells you of her Love, upbraid her with her Folly $
be modimly ungrateful, becaufe (he has been unfaOiion-
ably kihd,^ and ufe her worfe than you would any Body
«lfe, becaufe you can't ufe her fo well as flie deferves.
P/ume^ And are you Sylvia in good earned ?
SyL Earned ! I have gone too far to make it a Jedy
.^ir?—
P/ume^ And do you give her to me in good earned^
BaL If you pleafe to take her, Sir.
Flumi, Why then I have fav'd my Legs and Arms, and
loft my Liberty 5 fecure from Wounds, 1 am prepared
tot the Gout ; farewel Subfiftence, and welcome Taxes—
Sir» my Liberty, and hopes of being a General, are much
dearer to me than your twelve hundred Pounds a-Year-^
Bat to your Love, Madam, 1 refign my Freedom^ and
to your Beauty my Ambition — <— greater in obeying at
your Feet« than commanding at the Head of an Army.
y«L, 11; h Bnte^
84. ^be Recruiting Officer.
Enur Worthy.
Wor, 1 am forry to hear, Mr. Ballanct, that yoaf
Daughter is loll.
BaL So am not I, Sir, fTnce an honeft Gentleman has
found her.
Enter Melihda.
Mel. Pray, Mr. Ballance^ what's become of my Coofin
SyMa t
BaL Your Coufin ^yl'via is talking yonder with your
Coufin Plume
Mel. and fTor. How !
SyL Do you think it ilrange, Coufjn, that a Woman
fhould change ; but, I hope, you'll excafe a Change that
has proceedtrd from Conflancy ; I alter'd my outfide, be*
caufe I was the fame within ; and only laid by the Wo-
man to make fure of my Man ; that's my Hiftory.
MeL Your Hidory is a little Romantic, Coufin ; but
(ince Succefs has crown'd your Adventures, you will have
the World o* your Side, ' and 1 fhall be willing to go
with the Tide, provided you'll pardon an Injury 1 offered
you in the Letter to your Father.
Plume ^ That Injury, Madam, was done to me. and
the Reparation I expert fhall be made to my Friend ;
make Mr. IVortbj happv, and 1 (hall be fatisfied.
Mel, A good £xample. Sir, will go a great way--^—
when my Coufin is pleas d to furrender, 'tis probable I
iha'n't hold out much longer.
Enter Brazen.
Brax. Gentlemen, I am yours Madam, I am not
yours.
MeL I'm glad on't. Sir.
Braxn So am 1— — You have got a pretty Houie here,
Mr. Laconic.
BaL Tis time to right all Midakes.— My Name, Sir,
IS Ballanee,
Braz, Ballance ! Sir, I am your moft obedient.— I
know your whole Generation had not you an Uncle
that was Governor of the Leeward iflands fome Years
ago ?
BaL Did yOM know him ?
Braz. Intimately, Sir He play'd at Billiards to i
MiracIe«-Yoa had a Brother too that was a Captain of
^ tFirc^
Tie Recttiting Officer. 59
^ Fireftip— — poor Dici-^he Had the moft engtgbjS way
with him — of making Pnnch. — And then his Cabbin was
fo neat—- butHs poor Boy, Jackt was fliev moft comical
Baftard— Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I a pickled Dog, I Audi
never fojgct him.
.fbtmi.y^tW, Captain^ arc you fix'i k> your Projoa
yet ? Arc you ft ill for the Privateer ?
Bra%. No, no, I had enough of a Privateer juft now ;
J had like to have been pick'd up by a Cruifer under falfe
Colours, and a FrtMcb Pickaroon for ought 1 know.
Plume. But have you got your Recruits, my Dear f
Bra%. Not a Stick, my Dear.
Flume, Probably, I fliall furniih you.
Enttr Rofe and Bullock.
'Rofe. Captain, Captain, 1 have got loofe once more,
tnd have perfuaded my Sweetheart, Carfwbeeiy to ^o
with us ; but you muH promife not to part with me again
Syi I find, Mrs. Rofi has not' been pleased with her
Bedfellow.
Ro/e. Bedfellow ! I don't know whether I had a Bed-
fellow or not.
Rofe. Don't be in a Paffion, Child, I was as little
|)leas'd with your Company, as you could be with mine,
BuL VrsLy, Sir, donna b>c offended at my Sifter, (he's
fomething under bred, but if you pleafe, I'll lie with
yoQ in her (lead.
Plume. I have promis'd. Madam, to provide for this
Girl ; now will you be pleafed to let her wait upon you ?
or (hall 1 take care of her ?
Syl. She fliall be my Charge, Sir; you may find it
Bofinefs enough to take care of me.
BuL Ay, and of me. Captain ; forwauns! if ever you
lift your Hand againft me, 1*11 defert.
Plume. Captain ^r^s^/i fhall take cate o'that: My
Dear, inftead of the twenty thoufand Pounds you talk'd
of, you ihall have the twenty brave Recruits that I have
rais*d at the rate tliey coll me. -My Commiffion 1 lay
down, to be taken up by fome braver Fellow, that has
mpre Merit, and lefs good Fortune — whilft I endeiivOur,
W tie Example of this worthy Gentleman^ to ferve ihy
Qgeen and Couatry at home.
L 2 With
^iih fmi Rtpa I fvit th sl/i-vt FUld^
Mtii fifd Hitwmif^g -Ira^i^^ *wttk atH tit *ffitim
0/ tftiil^i t^itigui^ Fti/igiti, and imSf/i PAin^
ifimdiy ftttt, ^ith my/air Sp^t^t iti ftay^
[&i«iilti
^1^^ if |V ^«h
n
1
f «7 J
^l<^*^«MP»^^^^^^
EPILOGUE.
AL L Ladies and Gentlemen, that are willing to fee
the Comedy, caH'd the Rtcruiting Officer^ let then*
ncpair To-morrow Night, by fix o'clock, to the Sign of
the Tbeatve-Rffji^aJf in Dntfy-Lam^ and they ihall be kitid*
]y entertain'd.
Wefc^rn the mulgar Ways to hi i you comt%
WboU Europe nvw obeys tbt Call of Drum*
Tbe Soldier, not tbe Pott, bere appears.
And heats up for a Corps of Volunteers :
Befnds that Mufie cbiefy does delight yf^
And therefore ebufes Mufic to invite ye.
Beat the Grenadier March — Row, row, row, —
Gentlemen, this Piece of MuAg> call'd, An 0*verture to.
a Battle, was composed by a famous Italian Mailer, and
was performed with wonderfe^l •Succefs, at the great
Operas of Vigo, Schellenbergb -and Blenheim ; it came ofF
with the Applaufe of all Sttitope, excepting France ; the
French found it a little too rough for their Delicatejfe.
Some that have aSled on tho/e glorious Stages^
Are bere to «witnefs to fucceeding Ages,
^bat no Mujic like the Grenadier's engages^
\
Ladies, we mufl own that this Mufic of ours is not al-
together fo foft as BononcmVs ; yet we dare affirm, that it
has laid more People afleep than all the ^Camillas in the
World 5 and you'll condelcend to own, that it keeps one
jpraif^ey beter than any Opera that ever was aded.
L 3 The
t9 E P r L;0 U E.
Tbe Grenadier March feems to be a Compoftfre ex-
cellently adapted to the Genitu of the Englijbt for no Mo-
iic waa ever follow'd (d itxhy ut> nor with ib much Al^
crity ; and with all Deference to the prefent Sobfcriptioil,
' We muft /ay» that the Grenadier March has been lob-
fcribM for by the whole Grand Alliance: And we ore-
fame to inform the Ladies, that it always has the Pre*
eminence abroad, and is conHantly heard bv the talleft^
handfomeft Men in the whole Army. In ihort, tom-
tify the prefent Tafle, our Author is now adapting fome
Words to the Grenadier March, which he intends to
have performed to morrow, if the Lady« who is to iing
it, ihould not happen to be iick.
^bis be coHcMis /• be tie furefi nuay 1
7o drttw you kitber ; fir ynfU alfobif >
Sf/i fiiMfic'f CalJ, tb9^j9ufi9uU damn hu P/e^. }
i^ik ff I i^M
THl
THE
Beaux Stratagem :
COMEDY.
An it is Acted at th&
THEATRE-ROYAL
I N
D R U R Y.L A N E,
By His MAJESTY'S Servants.
I O N D O fT:
Priated fer T. Caslon, and T. LownSBt.
M|D€C,LXXII.
***#****?»*^********««*«ft««a^
Advertifement.
'npHE Reader may find fomt Faults m
•*^ this PLAY, which my Illnefs prevent*
ed vthe ameilding of s but thefe a great
Amends made in the Reprefentation^ which
cannot be matched, no more than the friendly
and indefatigable Care of Mr. fFilkSy to whom
I chiefly owe the Succd« of the Pky^
G. FarqjiharJ
it^iSiiitib^ib^^iitik^iSittitititib^^^ii^^iSti^iti^
C 3 J
PROLOGUE.
Spoken by Mr. WILKS.
JZrfiMff Strifltdifinrisf or Sloth corrrupt an Ager>
^'^ H^ Sflfirf'ii the Bufine/s of the Stage.
When /i6< Plain Dealer nvrit, btlaflidthpfi CrimeL
Wbidf iiiM infiftti moft the modijh limes :
But noi^ nufkm FmBion Jleeps^ and Sloth isfled^
And alI.out Touth in a^ive Fields are bfed y
When thrd^ GREAT BRITAIN*/ fair extenffvt Roufidi.
The Trumps: ^f Fame, the Notes of UmO^ found ;
When A^NNA'i Sapt re points the Lanvs their Courfe,,
And her Example gi'vesher Preupts Force ;
Thertfcarce is rmmfot Satine.; ^all our Lays
Muft hef tr Songs of Triumph, or of Prafe-
But as jfi'Qsftems4t.Uft culti'vated, tares
And Poppies rife am^g the Golden Ears ;
€>ur Preduafiy fit for the Field or School^
Muft mix, with Nature* s Favourite Plant a Fo^
A Weed that has to tnuenty Summers ran^
Shoots up iie Stalk-, and Vegetates to Man*
Simpling our Author goes from Field to Field ;
Ahd ctdlsfufh l^pols as may Diwrfion yield f
And, thanks to Nature, there^ no ivant of thofei
For Rain or Shine^ the thriving Coxcomb gro^ivs^.
Follies to^nigbtijoe Jhenv ne'' er laft?* d before ,
Xet fuch as Nature ft2e*ws you evry. Hour i
Nor can the Figures give ajufi Offence,
Folr Fook ari^ made for J efts to Men of Senfe^
L c D R A*
DRAMATIS PERSONifc.
DRURY-LANE, 1775U
MEN;
'Archer^
Mr. GurricJU
Ainvwett^
Mr. Pacier.
SMn,
Mr. BunMfiet^.
Bomfaci^
Mr. AchmmH4
Foi^ardt
IRx.U^j,
Gibbet f
Mr. Bramjbf*
Sir darbf tmmi^
ykt.J.Jiickin.
Scrubs
Mr. ^^«jv.
WOMEN.
Dcrindat
Ut%.ltiJdifi^^
Lady BQuntifui^
MiTsCf^A
Cbirrjt^
Mrs. /v.
Mr9. Sul/et^
Mrj. f 0nr|h
SCINE, tlfCaFlSllK
THE
Beaux-Str at a g e m.
t^t'tttt*ttt+ttttt+ttttt1ttt+ttntt1t
ACT I.
SCENE, An hn.
Enter Boaiface rmnmng.
[Hamberlain, Maid, Chirfy^ Daughtel'
j|y('^^U{ Cbirry %. all aflcep ? all dead I
« S« iF»/^ Cherry running,
falPf jj Ci&^r Here, here. Why d>e bawl fo^
"^**'-** Father? D'ye think we have no Ears?
Bon, You deierve to have none, you young Minx :— —
The Company of the Warrington Coach has liood in the
JUall this Hour, and Nobody to (hew them to thtir
Chambers.
Chtr, And let *em wait. Father; there's neither Red-
coat in the Coach, nor Footman behind it.
Bon, But they tlrreaten to go to another Tnn to*aight.
Cher. That they dare not, for fear the Coachinaa
(hould overturn them to-morrow.^—— Comings coming :
Jiere'ilhe Zrtfff4'(?« Coach arriv'd.
& 7 Be Beaux Siratagtmi
Mnfer fevtral Pi^pk 'with Trunks y Band-hoxes^ <wtiB oth0-
Luggage, and crofs the Stage,
Boh. Welcome, Ladies.
Ch^. Very welcome, Gentlemen — Chamberlauiy iheftr
l^e Lion and the Ro/i. ££xit wM the Compawf^
Un$€P AimwcU in u Riding Haiit, Arcker «/ Footmnn^
carrying a Portmanteau^
Bon, This way, this way. Gentlemen^
jlim^ Set down the Things } go lo the Stable> and fie
my Horfes well rubbM.
Jrch. I (hall, Sir. [Exit^
Jim, You're my Landlord, I fuppofe ?
Bon. Yes, Sir, Tm old Will. Btmifau^ pf^Cj well;
known apon ^is Road, as the Saying is.
Aim. O ! Mr. Boniface y your Servant,
Bon. 0\ Sir — What, will your Honour pleafe to drink^
as the Saying is ?
Aim. 1 have heard your Town of Litchfield m^Qh. fam^di
for Ale, I think ; I'll tafte that.
Bon. S'r, I have now in my Cellar ten Ton of the befk
Ale in Stafford/hire ; 'tis fmOc«h as oil, fweet as Millc>,
clear as Amber, and (Irong as Brandy, and will be juft
fourteen Years eld the fifth Day of next March, Old;
Stile.
Aim, You're very t±i% I find, in the- Age of you^
Ale. k-
Bon» As pundual, Sir, as I am in the Age of my Chil<v.
dren : Til mew you fuch Ale— —Here, Tapfter, oroacE?
Number 1706, as the Saying is ;r— Sir, you iliall tafte
my Anno Domini 1 have liv'd in Litchfield^ Man and^
Boy, above eight and- fifty Years, and,^ 1 believe, Kave*
not con fum'd eight and fifty Ounces of Meat. .
Aim. At a< Meal, you mean, if one may gneis yooJN-
Senfe by your Bulk.
J?o«.. Not in my Life, Sir : I have fed purely upon.
Ale ; I have ea^ my Ale^ drank my Ale, and 1 alvvaya
deep upon Ale.
Enter Tapfter njnith a Bottle and Glafs.
Mow,, Sir, you Ihall fee \FMng it out,"] Your Worfliip'l
, Healths.
The Beaux Sfrafagm. f
Health: Haf delicious, deliciout—— fancy it Burgundy^
mtk\sf fancy xt> and Hit worth ten Shillings a Quart.
Ainu [Drinks*] 'Tis confoiwded flrong.
Boh. Strong I it maft be ib» or kow would we be ftrong
ihatdrbkit?
Am. And have you lir'd fi> iMg upon this Ale, Land-
lord f /
Bon, Eight and fifty Years, upon my Credit, Sir ; h^
it kiird my Wile, poor Woman, as the Saying isi
Jim* How came that to pafs ? .
Bon» I doa*t know how. Sir ; (he would not let the
Ale take its natural Courfe, Sir ; ihe was for qualifying
k every now and then with a Dram, as the Saying is ;
and an honed Gendeman that came this way from Iri*
iand^ made her a Prefent of a doaen fiottles of Ufquo*
bangh-r- — the poor Woman was never well after : But^.
Jlowe'er, I was obligM to the Gentleman, you know.
Aim, Why, was it the Ufqaebaugh that kiird her ?
Bon. My Lady Bountiful wid fo She, good Lady,
did what could be done ; flie cur*d her of three Tympa-
aies, but the fourth carried her oSy butibe's happy, and
itm contented, as the Saying is.
Aim. Who's that Lady Bountiful^ you mention*d ?
- Bon^. 'Odds iny Life, Sir, we'll drink her Health*
IPrinkt.'l niy Lady Bountiful is one of the beft of Wo«
aien : Her laft Hulband, Sir Charles Bountiful left her
worth a t^oufaad Pounds a- Year ; and, I believe, ihe lays
out one half oo't in charitable tffes for the good of her
Mdghfayoors ; ike cures Rheumatifms, Ruptures, and
kroken Shins ki; Men ; Green-£cknefs, Obftrudions,
and Fits of the Mother in Women ■ Tlie Krng's
Evil, Chin-cough, and Chilblains in Children : In iliort,
Jhe kas cured more People in and about Litchfield within
ten Years, than the Dolors have kiird in* twenty, and .
tbat*8 a bold Word.
Aim. Has the Lady been any otlier way ufeful in her.
Generation ?
Bon. Yes, Sir, (he has a Daoghtw by Sir Charles, the
fineft Woman in all our Country, and the grcateft For-
tune: She has a Son too^ by her firfl Hufband, *Squire
Sullen^ who married a fine Lady from London toother
JQay I if you pleafe. Sir, we'll drink kis Health*
S Tie Beaux Siraiagem.
jCm. What fort of a Man is he ?
Bom. Why, Sir» the Man*8 well enoogb; (ays litde^
thinks lefs, and does — ^nothing at all, 'faith i But he's a
■J^an of great Eftate, aad values Nobody.
j^im, A SportfmaDy I fuppofe ?
Bm. Yes, Sir^ he's a Msin of Pleafnre ; he plays at
Whi(k, and fmoaks his Pipe eight and forty Hoors toge-
ther feme times.
jfim. A fine Sportfaan, truly ! And married, you fay ^
Bou, Ay, and to a curious Woman, Sir— But he*s a—
He wants it here. Sir. [PBtnting to bis Forehead,
Aim. He has it there,, you mean.
Bon, That's none of my Bufinefs ; he's my Landlord,
and fo a Man, you know, would not — But I-cod, he's
no better than — Sir^my humble Service to you. [Dr/ffix.]
Tho' I value not a Farthing what he can do to me ; 1
pay him hi» Rent at Quarter-day ; I have a good Run*
ing-trade ;. I have but one Daughter, and 1 can give
her — But no matter for that.
Aim. You're very happy, Mr. Bonifaa ; pray, what
other Company have you in Town }
Bon, A power of fine Ladies ; and then We have the
French Officers,
Jim. O' that's ^ht^ you have a good many of thofr
Gentlemen • Pray,- hiw do you like their Companjr ^
Ben. So well, as th6 Saying is, that I could wtih we
had ai many more of ''tsn ; they're full of Money, and
pay double (ot every'^ng they have ; they know, Sir^
that we paid good> r6ifnd Taxes for the taking of *em,.
and fo they are willing to reimburfe ns a little : One of
'em lodges in my Hoiife»
Enter Archer,
Arch. Landlord, there are fome Fnuch Gentlemen be»
low, that aik for yon.
Bon. rU wait on 'em^Does your Maflcr flay lone in
Town, as the Saying is*. \Jo Aicher^
^cb. I can't tell, as the Saying is*
Bon. Come from London f
Arch. No!
Bon. Going to Lendwi may hap !:
Ardb*,^o\
3 B^n^.
. VbiBiamt Stratagem. 9:
Bm. An odd Felkw this: I beg your Worflup's Par^
,' doa, ril wait on yon in half a Minate. [ ExU.^
Jim. The Coaft't clour, I fee— Noitf» my dear Arcb$r^
welcome to LiicbfitU.
Arch. I thank thee, my dear Brother m Iniquity.
Mm. InifMtjf ! prithee, leave Canting ;. yoa need not
change yonr Stile with youf Drefs,
Arch. Don't miiUke me, AimwUt for ^tii flill my
Maxim, diat thereV no Scandal like Rags, nor any Crime
fi> ibamefnl as Poverty.
Aiwi. The "World confeflei it every Day iff its PraAice,
though Men won't own it for their Opinion : Who did
diat worthy Lord, mv Brother, ilngle out of the Side-box
to fnp with him t'other Night ?
Arch. jMck HmtUcraft^ a handfome, well-drefs'd,.
nannerly, Sharping Rogue, who keeps the belL Company
in Town.
Aim* Right; and pray who married my Lady Matt'-
Jlaughur t'other Day, the great Fortune ?
Arch, Why, Nick Marraiom, a profefs'd Pick -pockety,
and a eood Rowler ;. but he makes a handfome Figure ;.
and rides in his Coach that he formerly ufed to ride be-
hind.
Aim. But did you obferve poor %mk Gcmr^tu in the
;ftuitlaftWe*l
Arch. Yes, with his AntaiMial Pernvig, (hading hb
jnelancholy Fa(ce^ his Coat oliet than any thing but its
Faihion, with one Hand idle iftMs Pocket, and with the
other picking his ufeleiaTaedbaMMi tho' the Mall was
crondM with Company,, yet was poor Jack as iingle and
Iblitary as a Lion in a D^art.
Aim. And as much avoided, &r no Crime upon Eartk
bntthe want of Money..
' Arch. And that's enough ;. Men muft not be poor ;.
.Xdlenefs is the Root of all Evil ; the World's wide
cnongh, let 'em buftle : Fortune has taken the Weak
under her Prote^on, but Men of Senfe are left to their
Induftry.
Aim, Upon which Topic we proceed, and, I think,
luckily hiherto. Would not any Man fwear now that I
am a Man of Quality, and you m/ Servant,, when.if our
lAtrinfic Value were knowur— -
Auk*
to The BedUi^SirMogem:
Arch, Come, come, we are the Men of inftrinfic Valo^
i^ho can ftrike our Forttines out of otirielves, whofe
l^orth IS independeat of Acckteiitt in Life, or Revolu*
tions in Government : We have Heads to get Mone^,
and Hearts to fpend it.
Aim. As to our Hearts, Igrantye, they^ are a» willing
Tits as any within twenty Degrees ; bat I can have n&
treat Opinion of our Heads from the Service they have
one us hitherto, nnlefs it be that they brought us from-
Londw hither to Litchfield^ made me a Lord^ atid you my
SeiVant.
Arch. That's more than you could ex^e£b already«^
Bnt what Money have we left ?
Aiml Bat two hundred Pound.
Arch. And our Horfes, Cloaths, Rings, fefr. why, we
Bave very good Fortunes now for moderate People ; and
let me tell you, that this two hundred Pounds^ with the
Experience that we are now Mafiers of, is a better
Eftate than the ten tttoufand we have fpent— Our Friend<t
indeed, began to fufpefl that our Pockets were low, but
we came off with flying Colours^ ihewM no figns of
Want either in Word or Deed.
Aim, Ay, and o^r going to BruJfeU was a good pre^
tence enough for ^r Ridden difappearing; and, 1 war*
lant you, our Friends imagine, that we are gone a VdL.
lunteering. "^
Areb. Why, 'faith ST^Ws Projeft fails, it muft c*ep
«ome to that, I am fof^rejitiiring one of the Hiindreds, n
you will, (ipon thir^^Bimght Errantry; but in cafe it
ihould failj we'll Yekxvt the other td carry us to fom^
Counterfcarp, where we may die as we livM, in a Bhiz6.
Aim. With all my fteart, and we havt liv'd jnftly- .
Archer \ we can't fay that we have Ipent our Fortune!^ •
'but that we hare enjoy'd 'era.
Arch. Right; fo much Plcafnre for fo much Money;.
wehav« had our Penny-worths ; and had I Millions,'!
would go to- the ikme Market again^ O London^ London t
well, we have had our Share, and let us be thankful :
Paft Pleafur<'8, for ought 1 know, are beft, fuch we aro-
iure of ; thofe to eonoe may difappoint us.
Aim, It has often gricv*d the Heart of me, to (ee how
(bme inhuman Wrecghe» murder their kind Fortunes ;
thofe*
Ti€ Biau9c Stratagem^ 1 1
kkoie that by facrificinff all to one Appetite, (hall (Urve
all the reft — You fhallhave fome that live only in their
Pabtes, and in their Senfe of Tading (hall drown the
other Four : Others are only Epicures in Appeirances,
fuch who (hall flarve their Nights to make a Fignre a
Days, and famifli their own, to feed the Eyes of others :
A contrary fort confine their Pleafures to the liark, and
contract their fpacious Acres to the Circuit of a Muff*
ftring.
Arch. Right ; but they find the InMes in that Spo^
where they confume *eni, and, I think, your kind Keepers
have much the beft on't ; for they indulge the mod
Senfes by one Expence, there's the Seeing, Hearing, and
Feeling, amply gratified; and fome Philofophers will
tell you, that from fuch a Commerce, there ariies a
fixth Senfe, that gives infinitely more Pleafure than the
other five put together.
Aim, And to pafs to the other Extremity, of all Keep-
trs, 1 think thofe the word that keep their Money.
Arch, Thofe are the moft miferable Wights in Being :
they deftroy the Rights of Nature, and Jirappoint the
Bleflinga of Providence : Give me a Man that keeps his
Tive Senfes keen and bright as his Sword, that has 'ena
always drawn out in their juft Order and Strength, with
his Beafon, as Commander at the Head of 'em, that de*
laches 'cm by turns upon whatever Party of Pleafure
agreeably offeri, ^A commands *em to retreat upon the
leaft Appearance "or Difadvantage, or Danger: For
my part, I can (lick to my Bottle, while my Wine, my
Company, and my Reafon, holds good ; I can be charm'd
V'ilh Sappho's Singing, without falling in Love with her
Face: 1 love Hunting, but would not, like A^^eon^ bo
eaten up by my own Dogs ; I love a fine Houlie, but let
another keep it; and ju5 fo J love a fine Woman.
Aim. Jn that laft Parpcular you have the better of me..
Arch. Ay. you're f\ich aa amorous Puppy, that Tm
afraid yo'u'u fpoil our Sport 3 you can't counterfeit the
Pafiion witM)ut feeling it.
Aim. Tho'the whining part be out bf Doors in Town,
Ms lUll in force with the Country Ladies : — And let me
tell you, Frank, the Fool in ^t PaiEon ftiall outJo the
Knave at any time.
. Arc*
It The Beaux Stratagem.
Arch. Well, I won't diipute it now ; yoa commani
for the Day, and fo I fubmit: At Nottingbam^ yoa
know, I am to be Mailer.
Jim. And at Lincoln, I again.
jfrcb. Then, at Normrich I mount, which, I think,
Ihall be our lad Stagq; for, if w^ fail there, we'll em-
bark for Holland, bid adieu to Venus, and welcome Mars,
Jim, A Match ! [Enter Boniface.] Monu
Boft. What will your Wo/lhip plea6 to have for Sup-
per ?
Jim, What have yott got ?
Bon, Sir, we have t delicate piece of Beef in the For,
and a Pig at the Fire.
Jim. Good Supper-meat, I muft confefi— — I can't
eat Beef, Landlord.
Jrcb. And I hate Pig.
Jim. Hold your pratiog^ Sirrah ! Do you know who
you are ? l^ke^
Bon, Pleafe to befpeak (bmethiog elfe ; I have every
thing in the Houfe.
Jim, Have you any Veal ?
Bon. Veal ! Sir, we had a delicate Loin of Veal o%
Wedne/daj lalt
Jim, Have you got any Fifti, or Wild-fowl ?
Boh. As for Fifh, truly. Sir, we are an inland Town^
and indifferently provided with FsAft* that's tke truth
on*t ; but then for Wild-fowl !— — W# have » delkata
Couple of Rabbets.
Jim, Get me the Rabbets fricaileed.
Bon. FricafTeed ! Lard, Sir, they eal modi letter
fmother'd with Onions.
Jrcb. Plhaw ! Rot your Onions,
Jim, Again, Sirrah !— Well, Landlofltf, what yoo
pleafe ; but hold, I have a fmall Charge of Money, and
your Houfe is fo full of Strangers, that I believe it may
DC fafer in your Cuftody than mine ; for when this Fel*
low of mine gets drunk, he minds nothing— —Here,
Sirrah, reach me the ftron^ Box.
Jrcb, Yes^ Sir,— this will give us Reputation.
[^Jide, BriniTf tbe Box.
Jim. Here, Landlord, the Locks are feaied down both
far your Security and mine ; it holds ibmawhat above
Two
7 hi Beaux Stratagem. ij
^wohmdred Pounds ; if yoo doubt it» Til count it to
von tf er Supper : Bat be Aire you lay it where I may
have it at a N^nute's warning ; for my Affairs are a little
dubious at prtitnt; perhaps I may begone in half an
Hour, perhaps I may be yt>ur Gueft till the bed part of
that be fpent ; and pray order your Oilier to keep my
Horfes ready faddlea: But one thing above the reft I
mufl beg, that you would let this Fellow have none of
^our JfiHo Domini, as you call it ; for he*s (he moft
mfufferable Sot Here, Sirrah, light me to my Cham-
ber.
jfrti. Yes, Sir ! [Exit, iigh/ed hj Archer.
Bon. Cherry t Daughter C^^rry.
Enter Cherry.
Cher. D'ye call. Father ?
Bon. Aji Child, you muft lay by this Bot for tht
Gentleman, 'tis full of Money.
Ckor. Money ! all that Money ! why fure, Father, the
Gentlemaa comes to be chofen Parliament-man. Who
is he?
Bon. r don't know what to make of him ; he talks of
JkeepiB^ hit Horfes ready faddled, and of going perhaps
lit a Minute's warning, or of ftaying perhaps tiU the beft
part of this be fpent.
Cher. Ay\ ten to one. Father, he's a Highway-man.
Bon. A Iii|;hwaxdP^n ! upon my Life, Girl, you have
iiit it, and this BgolKjis fome new-purcha(ed Booty. ■ ■
Now, could we find him out, the Money were ours,
Cher. He don't belong to our Gang.
Bon. What Horfes have they ?
Cher. The Mader rides upon a Black.
' Bon. A Black ! ten to one the Man upon the black
Mare ; and fince he don't belong to our Fraternity, we
may betray him with a fafe Conlcience : I don't think it
lawful to harbour any Rogues but my own. Look'e,
Child; as the Saying is, we mufl go cunningly to work;
Proofs we muft have; the Gentleman's Servant loves
Drink, I'll ply him that way, and ten to one he loves
a Wench ; you mull work him t'other way.
Cher. Father, would you have me give my Secret for
his ?
Bon. Confider, Child, there's Two hundred Poundii
1 4 ^be Seaux^ Siratagim^
to boot. [^Ri^tgif^ *utitbQut,'\ Comiii^, cdming.— >Cluld|
mind your Buitners.
Chir. What a Rogae is my Father ! my Father ! I deny
it, ■ My Mother was a good, generous, free-hearted
Woman, and I can't tell how far her Good-nature might
hav6 extended for the good of her Children. This Land-
lord of mine, for I think I can call him no more, woukl
betray his Gue((, and debauch his Dauglrter into tho
Bargain, — by a Footman too f
Enter Archer.
Jrch, What Footman, pray, Miftrefs, is fo happy a|
to be the Subject of yonr Contemplation }
Cher. Whoever he is. Friend, he'll be but little the
better for*t.
Arch, I hope (Of for, Vm furc^, you did not tbifik of
me.
Cher, Soppofe I had ?
Jrcb, Why then you're bat even with tac ; fiMr the*.
Minute I came in, I was coafid^rix^ ifk what jH^aiUMr t
ihould make Love to you.
Cker^ Love to me, Fciend I
Jrcb. Yes, Child.
Cb^r. Child ! MaiuieFs ; if you kept a little moM iiSi
tance, Friend, it would become you i^noh better.
jircb* Diftance 1 good Night, Sa^icebox. [^^^gi
Cher. A pretty Fellow; 1 like his Pride*— Sir, vray;
Sir, you fee. Sir, [Archer return/] I have the Credit to
be intruAed with your Mader^s Fortune here^ which fat
me a degree above his Footman ; I hope. Sir, yoa a*n't
affronted.
Arch, Let me look you full in the Face, and Til tell '
you whether you can affront me or no. — 'Sdeath, ChUd,
you have a pair of delicate Fyes, and you don't knoif
what to do with 'em.
Cher^ Why, Sir, clon't I iee every Body ? *
Jrch, Ay, but if fomp Women had 'em, they woohl
kill every Body. — — ^Prithee, inftruft me, 1 would fiaia
inake Love to you, bfit J do.n't know i^hat to (ay.
Cher. Why, did you never make havt to asy Bodjr
before? ".
Arch. Never to a Perfon of your Figure, I can aflaro
you. Madam, my Adflre^es have bieeo always confined to
Peoplo
"Tii Biafi9i Stratagem. 15
People within my own Sphere^ I never afpir'd To high
^fore. [Archcr^»^«
Bui you look fo Bright, ^
Jind art irtfs*d fo tight.
That a Man nnou^dJnAjear you*rt Right,
Jh Arm nuasier. laid, o'vtr.
SMchanAir
Tou fruty ^ear
7o en/nor t,
^As makes each Gutft m Lover f
Since then, my Dear, Pmydur Guefi,^
Prithee give me iif tb€ Beft . . ' 'V; s
Ofwohat is ready Dreft :
Since then, my D4ar, SfC. .
Cher. What can I think of this Man ? [Afide.) Wilt
yf n give me «hat*Soii^, Sir I .t'
Arch. Ay, my Dear, take it while it is warm. \^KiJfe$
h€r,'\ Death and Fire ! her Lips* are Honey-combs.
Cher. And I wiih there had been a Sv^m of Bees too,
to have ftungyou for your Impudence.
Arch. There's a Swarm o^Cupids, my little >V^> *^^^ '
lias done the Bu/inefs much better.
Cher. ThisPcllewismilbcgottert'as wellasl. {Afide.^
What^ youf Name, Sir ?
Arch. Name! I gad 1 have forgot it. [^AJideJ] Oh?
Martin.
Cher, Where were you horn ?
Arch, fn »t. Martin's Parilh.
Cher. What was your Father ?
Ar€h. Of-f-of — fSt. Martin*s Parifh,
'€Aer. Then, Friend, good-night*
Atch. I WBipe' not.
Cher, You^may depend upon' t,
jtrch. Upon what?.
Cher. Th^t yopke very impudent.
Arch. Tnat you're \ery h^ndfQ^jet
Cher, That youj-e^a Footjnan.
Arch, That you're* an hrijjel.
Cbtr. I (hall be rud^.
ditch. So fhall r.
Chtr.
j6 The BesM Siratagem. '
Che^ Let go my Hand. '
jirch* Give me a Kifs.
[Kifes her. Boniface caHs without Cherry, Cherry,
Cher. I'm — My Father calls ; you plaguy Devil, hoxr
duril you (lop my Breath (b ? — — -OiFer to follow me one
ftep, if you dare.
jfrch. A fair Challenge, by this Light ; this is a
pretty fair Opening of an Adventure ; but wc are Kuight-
errants, and fo Fortune be our Guide. {Exit^
The EM of the Firft ACT.
ACT 11.
SCENE, A Gallery in Lady Bountifur/
Houfe.
Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda meeting.
P4ir. TV ^ Orrow, my^ dear Sifter ; are you for Church
XVJL ^his Morning ?
Mrs. W. Anywhere to pray; for Heaven alone can
help me : But I think, Dorinda^ there's no Form of
Prayer in the Liturgy againft bad Hufbands.
Dor. But there's a Form of Law at Do&ors Commons t
and 1 Avear, Sifter Sullen^ rather than fee you thus con-
tinually difcontented, I would advife^you to apply to
tha: : For bcfides the part that I bear in your vexatioui
Broils, as being Sifter to the HuA>and, and Friend to the
"Wife, your Examples give me fuch an ImpreiSon of Ma-
trimony, that 1 ftiall be apt to condemn my Perfon to a
long Vacation all its Life—- But fuppoiing, .Madam, that
you brought it to a Cafe of Separation, what can you
\}Tgt agamft your Huftsand? My Brother is, firft, the
mo'l conftant Man alive. "* •
Mrs. SuL The moft conftant Hulband^ I grant ye. .
Dor, He never ileeps from you. %
Mrs. Sul. No, he always deeps with me.
Tie Bsaux Siratagml ij
Dor. He allows you a Maiatenance fuiuble to year
Quality.
Mrs. Sul, A Maintenance ! do you take me. Madam,
for an Hoijpital Child, that I mu(^ fit down, and blefs my
Benefadors, for Meat, Drink, and Clothes ? As 1 take
it. Madam, I brought your Brother Ten thoufand Pounds,
out of which 1 might exped fome pretty Things, call d
Pleafures.
Dor* You ihare in all the fleafures that the Country
affords.
Mrs. SmL Country Pleafures ! Racks and Torments f
Doft think. Child, th t my Limbs were made for leaping
of Ditches, and clambrirg over Stiles; or that my Pa-
rents wifely forefeeing my future Happinefs in Country
Pleafures,' had early in flrudied me in the rural AccompliOi-
ments of drinking fat Ale. playing at Whill, and fmoak-
iog Tobacco with my Hufband ; or of fpreading of Plaif.
ters, brewing of Diet-drinks, and diflilling Rofemary«
water, with the good old Gentlewoman my Mother-in->
law?
Dor. Fm forry. Madam, that it is not more in ou^
Power to diyert you ; I could wifh, indeed, that our En-
tertainments were a little more polite, or your Tafle a
iittcle le(s refined ; But pray, Madam, how came the
¥6ets and Philofophers, thatlabourM fo much in hunt<«
ing after PleaAire, to place it at lad in a Country-life ?
Mrs. Sul, Becauie they wanted Money, Child, to find
out the Pleafures of the Town : Did you ever hear oi a
doctor Philofophcr worth Ten thoufand Pounds ? If you
^n (hew me fuch a Man, I'll lay you fifty Pounds, you'U
£nd him fomewhere within the weekly Bills. Not that I
difapprove rural Pleafures, as the Poets have painted
them in their Lanfcapes ; tvtry Fhylis hasr her Corydon^
every murmuring Stream, and every flow'ry Mead gives
frclh Alarms to Love Befides, you'll find that their
Couples were never married : — Bat yonder, I fee my Co-
rjden, and a fweet Swain it is, Heaven knows-*Come,
Verinda, don't be angry, he's my Hufband, and yoiur
Brother, and between both, is he not a fad Brute ?
Dor, I have nothing to fay to your part of him, yoo'r^r
the bell Judge.
Mrs. Sui* O Sifter, Sifter ! if ever you marry, beware
2 of
1 8 The Beaux Strafageml
ef a futkn, (iknt Sot, one that's always mufing, bat tt^
vcr thinCs. — 1 here's fome IJivetfion in a talking Block«>
liead ; and Ance a Woman mull wear Chains, i woold
have the Pleaiure of hearing 'em rattle a little.— Now,
you (hall fee ; but take this by the way, he came Home
this Morniob; at his ufu^l Hour of Four, waken'd me oat
of a fwcet iJream of fbmcthing elfe, by tumbling over
the Tea- table, which he broke all to Pieces; after hit
Man and he had rowFd about the Room like fick Paflen-
fers in a Scorm, he comes flounce into Bed, dead as a
alnion into a Filhmonger's Bafket ; his Feet cold as Ice,
his Breath hot as a Furnace, and his Hands and his Face
as greafy as his Flannel Night-cap Oh Matrimony !
Matrimony ! ■ He toflcs up the Clothes with a bar-
barous fwing over his Shoulders, diforders the whole
Oeconomy of my Bed, leaves me half naked, and my
whole Night's Comfort is the tuneable Serenade of that
wakeful Nightingale, his Nofe ■■. — O the Pleafurc of
counting the melancholy Clock by a fnoring Huiband !
•*— But now. Siller, you ihall fee how handfomel}^, being
» well-bred Man, he will beg my Pardon.
Enter Sullen.
Stil, My Head akes confumedly.
Mrs; Su/. Will you be plcafed, my Dear, to drink T«t
with us this Morning f it may do your Head good.
SmI. No.
Dar. Coffee, Brother F
Su/. Pihaw!
Mts. Sui. Will you pleafe to dre&, ax>d go to Churdlt
with me ? the Air may nelp you.
6m/. Scrub /
' Enter Scrub;
S<ruL Sir!
SuI. What Day o'th* Week is this ?
Scrui. Sunday ^ a'n't pleafe your Worfliip.
SuL Sunday / bring me a Dram ; and d'ye hear, fet
out the Vehifonpafty, and a Tankard of flrong Beer
vpon the Hiidl-table, J '11 go to Breakfaft. \Owng.
Dor. Stay, ftay. Brother, you iha'n't get off fo ; you
^ere very naught kft Night, and muft make your Wife
Reparatioh ; Come, come, Srother woq*( you alk Par*
clon } '
Sufi
The Beaux Siratagem. 19
Sul, For what ?
Dor. Potbeing drunk lad Night.
SuL I call aiFord it, can't I ?
Mrs. Sui. But I can't. Sir.
Sui. Then you may let it alone.
Mrs. SuL But I muft tell you, Sir» that this is not to
be borne.
Sui. I'm gkd on't.
Mrs. 5/i/. what is the Reafon, Sir, that you ufc me
thus inhumanly i
Sul. Scrub!
Scrub, Sir!
SttL Get things ready to (have my Head. [TTa-//.
Mrs. Sul, Have a care of coming near his Temples,
^crub, for fear you meet fomething there that may turn
the Edge of your Razor [Exit, Scrub.] Inveterate Stupi-
dity ! Did you ever know fo hard, fo obftinate a Spleen
as his ? O SirteV. Sifter ! 1 (hall never ha* good of the
Beaft till I get him to Town ; London, dear LotuioH Is the
Place for managing and breaking a Hufband.
Dor, And has not a Hu(band the fame Opportunities
there for humbling a Wife ?
Mrs. Sul. No, no, Child, 'tis a ftanding Maxim in
Conjugal Difcipline that when a Man would enflave his
Wife, ne hurries her into the Country ; and when a Lady
would be arbitrary with her Hufband, (he wheedles her
Booby up to Town— A Man dare not play the Tyrant
in London, becaufe there are fo many Examples to encou-
rage the Snbjefl to rebel. O Dorinda, Dorinda ! a fine
Woman may do any thing in London : f)' my Confcience,
file may raife ah Army of Forty thoufand Men.
Dor, I fancy. Sifter, you have a mind to be trying
your Power that way here in Litchfield ; you have drawn
the French Count to your Colours already,
Mrs, Sul, The Frtncb are a People that can't live with-
out their Gallantries.
Dor. And fome Englijh that 1 know, Sifler, are not
av«rfe to fuch Amufements.
Mrs. Sul. Well, Sifter, fince the Truth muft out, it
may do as well now as hereafter ; I think, one way to
roufi? my lethargic, fottiih Hufband,, is to give him a
Rival ; Security begets Negligence in all People^ and
Vot.II. M Men
20 The Beaux Stratagem.
Men mull be alarm'd to make 'em alert in their Duty:
Women are like Pidures/ of no value in the Hands of a
Fool, till he hears Men of Senfe bid high for the Pur-
chafe.
Dor, This might do. Siller, if my Brother's Under-
{landing were to be convinc'd into a Paffion for you ; but,
I believe, there's a natural Averfion of his Side, and I
fancy. Sifter, that you don't come much behind him, if
you dealt fairly.
Mrs. SuL I own "it; we are -united Contradidions,
Fire and Water. But I could be contented with a great
many other Wives, to humour the cenforious Vulgar,
and give the World an Appearance of living well with
my Hu/band, could I bring him but to difTemble a little
Kindnefs to keep me in Countenance.
Dor, But how do you know, Sifter, but that inftead of
rpufing your Hufl)and by this Artifice to a counterfeit
Kindnefs, he fhould awake in a real Fury ?
Mrs. 8ul. Let him : If I can't entice him to the
one, 1 would provoke him to the other.
Dor, But how muft J behave myfelf between ye ?
'Mrs. Sul, You muft'aflift me.
Dor. What ! againll my own Brother ?
Mrs Suh He is but half a Brother, and, I'm your en-
tire Friend: If I go a Step beyond the Bounds of Ho-
nour, leave me ; till then, 1 expeil you fhould go along
with me in every thing ; while 1 truft my Honour in your
Hands, you may truft your Brother's in mine— — r-Thc
Count is to dine here to-day.
Dor, 'lis a ftrange thing, Sifter, that I can't like that
.: , Mrs. SuL You like nothing, your Time is not come ;
•;Ij(jve and Death have their Natalities, and ftrike home
^6ne time or other ;— You'll pay for all one Day, I war-
rant ye But come, my Lady's Tea is ready, and 'tis
almoft Church-time. lExeuftt.
SCENE, Thg Inn.
Enter Aimwell dre/s*d, and Archer,
Jtm. And was fhfe the Daughter of the Houfe ?
Jifcb, The Landlord is fo blind as to think fo ; but I
. dj^fwcar ibe iias abetter Blood in her Veins.
#■
The Benux Stratagem. ti
jtim. Why doft think fo ?
Arch, Becaufe the Baggage has a pert Jene-ffaUqwy^
/he reads Plays^ keeps a. Monkey, and is troabled with
Vapours.
Aim, By vrhich difcoveries, I gucfs that you know
more of her.
Arch. Not yet, 'faith ; the Lady gives hcrfelf Airs,
forfooth, nothing under a Gentleman.
Aim. Let. me take her in hand.
Arch. Say one Word more o'that, and Til declare my-
fclf, fpoil your Sport there, and every where elfe ; look
ye, Aim'WfU, every Man in his own Sphere. *"
Aim. Right, and therefore you mufl pimp for your
Mafter.
Arch. In the uf^il^P3ilns, good Sir, after I have ^trv'^
myfelf — But to bpr fiufinefs You arc fo well drefs'd,
^cm^ and make (o handfome a Figure, that I fancy you
may do Execution in a Country Church ; the exterior
Part flrikes firft, and you're in the right to make that
Impreflion favourable.
Aim. There's fomething in that which may turn to
Advantage : The Appearance of a flranger in a Country
Church, draws as many Gazers as a Blazing Star ; no
fooner he ^comes into the Cathedral, but a Train of
Whifpers runs buzzing round the Congregation in a Mo-
ment : — Who is he ? Whence comes he ? Do you know
him — Then, I, Sir, tips me the Verger Half a Crown ;
he pockets the Simony, and indudls me into the beft Pew
in the Church, 1 pull out my SnufF-box, turn myfelf
round, bow to the Bifhop, or the Dean, if he be the
commanding Officer ; fingle out a Beauty, rivet both
my Eyes to nerr, fet my Nofe a bleeding by the Strength
of Imagination, and Ihew the whole Church my Concern,
by my endeavouring to hide it : After the Sermon, the
whole Town gives me to her for a Lover, and by per-
fuading the Lady that I am a dying for her, the Tables
are turn'd, and (he in good earned falls in Love with me.
Arch. There's nothing in this, Tonii without a Prece-
dent ; but inftead of riveting your Eyes to a Beauty, try
' to ^)L 'em upon a Fortune ; that's our Bufinefs at prefenr.
Aim, Pihaw, no Woman can be a Beauty without a
Fortune.— Let me alone for a Mark's^man,
M 2 Arch.
22 fbe Beaux Stratagm.
Arch, Tom !
Aim. Ay !.
Arch. When were you at Church before, pray ?
Aim, Um-— I was there at the Coronation.
Arch, And how can you expedt a Blefliug by going to
Church now ?
Aim, Blelfing ? nay. Frank, I a(k but for a Wife ! [Exit.
Arch. 1 ruly, ihe Man is not very unreafonable m his
Demands. [Exit at the oppojue Door.
Enter Boniface and Cherry.
Bon, Well, Daughter, as the Saying is, have yott
brought Martin to confefs ?
Cher, Pray, Father, don't put me upon getting any
thing out of a Man ; I'm but young, you know. Father,
and don't underHand Wheedling. ' .
Bon, Young ! why you Jade, as the Saying is, can any
Woman wheedle that is not young? Your Mother was
ufelefs at five and twenty 1 Would you make ^our Mo*
ther a Whore, and me a Cuckold, as the Saying is ? i
tell you, his Silence confeiTes it, and his Mailer fpends
his Money fb freely, and is fo much a Gentleman evpry
Manner of Way, that he mud be a Highway^man.
Entfr Gibbet in a Cloak,
Gib, Landlord, Landlord, is the Coafl clear ?
Bon. O, Mr, Gibbet, what's the News?
Gib. No matter, jillc no Quellions, all fair and ho*
nourable j here, my dear Cherry, [Gi'ves her a Bag,\
Two hundred Sterling Pounds, as good as ever hang'd
or /av*d a Rogue ; lay 'em by with the reft, and here
Three Wedding-— —or Mourning Rings, 'tis much
the fame you know Here, two Silver-hilted
Swords ; I took thofe from Fellows that never flicw any
Part of their Swords but the Hilts ; Here is a Diamood
Necklace which the Lady hid in the privateft Place ii|
the Coach, but I found it out : This Gold Waich I
took from a Pawnbroker's Wife, it was left in her
Hands by Per [on of Qfiality, there's the Arms upoji tbo
Cafe.
Cher^ But who had you the Money from ?
- Gib. Ah I poor Woman ! I pitied her ;— From a poof
Lady juft eloped from her Hufband, Ihe had made up her
Cargo, and was bound for Ireland, as hard as ihe coul4
drive I .
The Beaux Stratagem. ij
drive ; (he told me of her Hufband's barbarous Ufage^
and fo Faith I left her Half a Crown. Bat I had almoft
forgot, my dear Cherry, 1 have a PrefeDt for you.
Cher. What is't ?
Gih. A Pot of Cerufe, my Child, that I took out of a
Lady's under Petticoat Pocket.
Cher. What, Mr. Giihet, do you think that I paint f
Gih. Why, you Jade, your Betters do; Tm fure the
Lady that 1 took it from nad a Coronet upon her Hand-
kerchief Here, take my Cloak, and go, fecure the
^ Premiffcs.
i Cher, 1 will fecure 'em. [Exiu
Bon. But heark'e, where*^ Hounjtov) zni Bagjhotf
Gib. They'll be here to-night.
Bon. D*ye know of any ot&r Gentlemen o* the Pad on
this Road ?
Gib. No.
Bon. 1 fancy that I have two that lodge in the Houle
jttft now.
Gib. The Devil ! how d'ye fmoak 'em f
Bon. Why, the one is gone to Church.
Gib. To Church ! That's fufpicious, I muft confefs.
Bon. And the other is now in his Mafter's Chamber v
he pretends to be ar Servant to the other, we'll call him
oat and pump him a little.
Gib. With all my Heart.
Bon. Mr. Martin! Mr. Martin f
Enter Archer combing a Peri^ig^ and fingin^.
Gib* The Roads are confumed deep, I'm as dirty as
\ Old Brentford at Chriftmas-^A good pretty Fdlow that ;
who's Servant are you. Friend ?
i~ Arch. My Matter's.
^ Gib Really?
4" ^rch. Really.
t Gtb That's much— The Fellow has been at the Bar
if by his Evafions : — But, pray Sir, what is your Mailer's
^ Name ?
Arch. Tall, all, dall ; [Sings and combs the Perinvig."]
i This is the rooft obftinate Curl ■ ■ ■
^ Gib. I aik you his Name ?
[ M 3 Arch.
24 ^ 5"^^ Beamc Stratagem.
Arcb, Name, Sir — Tall, all, dall— I never a(kM bim
his Name in my Life. Tall, all, dall.
Bon, What diink you now ?
Gib, Plain, plain, he ulks now as if he were before a
Judge: But pray. Friend, which Way does your Maficr
travel ?
Arch. A Hoffeback. .
Gib. Very well again, an old Offender, right — Bat,
I mean,, does he go upwards or downwards ?
Arch, Downwards, I fear. Sir! Tall, all.
Gib, I'm afraid thy Fate will be a contrary way.
Bon. Ha, ha> ha I Mr, Martin^ you're very arch— -
This Gentleman is only trarelling towards Chtfter^ and
would be glad of your Company, that's all— — — Cofne,
Captain, you'll ftay to-night, I fuppoie ; V\\ ihew yea
a Chamber — Come, Captain.
Gibs Farewel, Friend [Exit,
-4rfA. • Captain, your Servant— —Captain ! a pretty'
Fellow ! 'odeath, I wonder that the Officers of the Army
don't confpire to beat all Scoundrels in Red but thcar
own.
Enter Cherry.
Cher, Gone, and Martin here! I hope he did not
liHen ; I would have the Merit of the Difcovery all nw'
own, becaufc I would oblige him t;o love me. lA/ide^
Mr. Marti/tf who was that Man with my Father ?
Arch, Some Recruiting Serjeant, or whipp'd out
Trooper, Ifuppofe.
Chn- Airs ftfe, I find. [jffije^
Arch. Come, my Dear, have you conn'd ovqr the Ca-
• tcchife I taught you laft Night ?
C hir Come, queftion me.
Arch. What is Love ?
Cher, Love is I know no; what, it comes I know not
how, and goes I know not when.
Arch. Very well, an apt Scholar. \Chuch ber uniit
the Chin."] Where does Love enter ?
Cher, into tie Eyes.
Arch, And where go out?
Cher, I won't tell you.
Arch. VVhat are the Objeas of that Paflion?
Chetp Yuuth, Beauty, and clean Linen.
AKct»
Tie Beaux Stratagem. 25
Jrch. The Reafon ?
Cber, The two firft are fafhionable in Natnre, and the
third at Court.
Jrch, That's my Dear: What are the Signs and
Tokens of that Pa£ion ?
CJber. A flealing Look, a ftammering Tongue, Words
improbable, Deiigns impoIBble, and Adlions impradtl*
cable.
JrcB. That's my good Child, kifi me. — What muft a
L'^ver do to obtain his Miftrefs ?
CJbsr. He muft adore the Peribn that difdains him, he
muft bribe the Chambermaid that betrays him, and
court the Footman that laughs at him I He muft, he
muft
jfrch. Nay, Child, I muft whip you if yon don't
mind your LefTon ; he muft treat his
C^.. O ! ay. He muft treat his Enemies with Refpedt,
his Friends with Indifference, and all the World with
Contempt ; he muft fuffer much, and fear more ; he mnft
defire much, and hope little ; in ihort, he muft embrace
his Ruin, and throw him fclf away.
Arch. Had ever Man fo hopeful a Pupil as rtiine f ^—
Come, my Dear, why is Love call'd a Riddle ?
Cher, fiecaufe being blind, he leads thofe th7t fee ;
jind tho' a Child, he governs a Man.
j^nh. Mighty well And why is Love pidtur'd
blind ?
Cher. Becaafe the Painters out of their Weaknefs, or
Privilege of their Art, chofe to hide thofe Eyes they
could not draw.
jfrch. Thai's my dear little Scholar, kifs me again.-—
And why fhould Love, that's a Child, govern a Man ?
Cher, Becaufe that a Child is the End of Love.
Jrch, And {o ends Love's Catechifm — And now, my
Dear, we'll go in and make my Matter's Bed.
Cher, Hold, hold, Mr. Martin -You have taken a
^reat deal of Pains to inftrutl me, and what d'ye think £
nave learn'd by it ?
jfrcb. What ? ^
Cher, That your Difcourfe and your Habit are Con-
tradictions, and it would be Nonfenfe in me to believe
you a Footman any longer.
^ , M 4 jfrch.
2ff The Beattx Stratagem.
Mrs. Sul So— (he's breeding already — come. Child",
up with it — hem a little — fo now tell me, don't you
Hke the Gentleman that we faw at Church juft now ?
Der, The Man's well enough.
Mrs. SuL Well enough ! Is he not a Demi-god, a
NqrcfJJus, a Star, the Man i' the Moon ?
Dor, O Sifter, Pm extremely ill.
Mrs. Stt/, Shall I fend to your Mother, Child, for a
little of her Cephalic Plaifter to put to the. Soles of your
Feet ? or fhall I fend to the Gentleman for fomething for
you. Come, unlace your Stays, unbofom yourfelt—
the Man is perfectly a pretty Fellow, I faw him when he
iirft came into Church.
Dor. I faw him too, Sifter, and with an Air that (hone,
methought, like Rays about his Perfon.
Mrs. SuL Well faid, up with it.
Dcr, No forward Coquet Behaviour, no Airs to fet
him off, no ftudicd Looks, nor artful foftu re, but
Nature did it all-
Mrs. SuL Better and better— One Touch more ■ ■
come ^
Der, But then his Looks did you obferve his Eyes ?
Mrs. Sul, Yes, yes, I did his Eyes ; well, what
of his Eyes ?
Dor. Sprightly, but not wandering; they feem'd ta
view, but never gaz'd on any Thing but me and thctt
his Looks fo humble were, and yet fo noble, that they
aimM to tell me that he could with Pride die at my Feet,
tho' he fcorn'd Slavery any where elfe.
Mrs. SuJ. The Phyfic works purely How d'ye find
yourfelf now, my Dear ?
^ Dor Hem I much better, my Dear O here come* ■
our Mercury/ [^«/^r Scrub.]. Well, Scru^, what New»
pf the Gentleman ?
I ^^^i' Madam, I have brought you a whole Packet
; 7>?j|fcl^ptn it quickly, come.
ScruH, Jn the ftrft Place I enquired who the Gentleman
was ? They told mfi he was a $<raneer. Secondij^ I aflc'd
what tKe Gcntlemaa was ? They anlwcr'd and Jaid, That
they never faw him before, thirdly ^ I enquired what
^QUf tr^man he was? They replied, *cwas more than they
i *• ' knew.
5
^be Beaux Slratdgem. 27
be they what they will— —In the mean while be fitisfied
that no Difcovery 1 make (hall ever hurt you, but beware
of my Father — [E^it.
Ar<h, 80— we're like to have as many Adventures
in our Inn» as Don !Puixofi had in his— Let me fee^two
ahoufand Pounds I If the Wench would promife to die
when the Money were fpent, I-gad, one would marry
hers but the Fortune may go oft in a Vear or two, and
the Wife may live Lord knows how long! Then
an Inn-keeper's Daughter j ay, that's the Devil— there
tny Pride brings mc off.
For twhatfoitr the Saga chargi on ?ride^
Ibt Angels FaU^ and twenty tanlts hefidi^
On Earth, Vmfure, *mong us of mortal Cailingf
Pridi fa<ves Man oftt aud IVoman too from failing.
[Exit.
Ue End tftbi Second kQT. •
ACT III.
SCENE, Lady BountifulV Houfe.
Enter Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda»
Mrs.^w/.TT A, ha. ha, my dear Sifter, let me embrace
Xi thee, now we are Friends indeed ; for I
ihall have a Secret of yours, as a Pledge for nnne— now
you'll be good for fomeihing, I (h^ll have you convcrfa-
ble \i\ the Subjcds of the Srx.
Dor, But do you think that I am fo weak as to fall in
Love with a Fellow at firft Sight ?
Mrs. 5W. Plhaw! now you fpoil all, why fhould ik
we be as free in our Friendfhips as the Men ? I warr
you the Gentleman has got to his Confident already* 1
avo»^ed his Paflion, loaHcd your Health, call'd you ten
thoufand Angels, has run over your Lips, E;jfesj '
Shape, Air, and every Thing, in a Dcfcrij
warms their Mirth to a fecond Enjoyment.
Dor, Your Hand, Sifter, I a'n't well.
M 5.
29 The Beaux Stratagem.
Mrs. SuL So—ihe's breeding already^^ome, Chll^r
up wirh it — hem a lictle^o— — now tell me, don't you
like the Gentleman that we faw at Church juft now ?
X)»r. The Man's well enough.
Mrs. SuL Well enough ! Is he not a Demi-god, a
Narcijfus, a Star, the Man i' the Moon ?
Dor. O Sifter, I'm extremely ill.
Mrs. Sui, Shall I fend to your Mother, Child, for a
little of her Cephalic Plaifter to put to the Soles of your
Feet ? or (hall I fend to the Gentleman for fomethin^ for
you.— Come, unlace your Stays, unbo/om jrourfelt—
the Man is perfedly a pretty Fellow» I faw him when he
^T^ came into Church.
Dor. I (aw him too. Sifter, and with an Air that fhone,
methought, like Rays about his Perfon.
Mrs. Sul, Well faid, up with it.
Dur. No forward Coquet Behaviour, no Airs to fet
him off, no fludied Looks, nor artful foUnre,' but
Nature did it all-—
Mrs. Sui, Better and better— One Touch more- ■ i
come-
Dor. But then his Looks— did you obfcrve his Eyes f
Mrs. Sul, Yes, yes, 1 did his Eyes ; well, what
of his Eyes ?
Dor, Sprightly, but not wandering; they fecm'd to
view, but never gaz'd on any Thing but me and then
his Looks fo humble were, and yet fo noble, that they
aim'd to tell me that he could with Pride die at my Feet,
tho' he fcorn'd Slavery any where elfe.
Mrs. Su/, The Phylic works purely — —How d*yc find
youri'clf now, my Dear ?
Dor Hem f much better, my Dear O here comes
our Mercury ! [Enter Scrub.] Well, Scruht what New*
r^ pf the Gentleman ?
' *• 3 %7'i* Madam, I have brought you a whole Packet
', Z>?j{Pr,Open it quickly, come.
Scrub. In the ftrll J'lace I enquired who the Gentleman
was ? They told me he was a $tranger. Secondly^ I aflc'd
what the Gentleman was ? They anTwcr'd and iaid, That
they never faw him before. Thirdly^ I enquir'd what
Coufitryaian he was? They replied^ 'cwas more than they
I knew.
The Beaux Stratagem: 29
knew. Fourthly^ I demanded whence he came ? Their
i^nfwcr was, they could not tell. An^ Jiftbly, I aik'd
whither he went? And they replied, they knew nothing
of the Matter.— And this is all 1 could learn.
Mrs. Stti. But what do the People fay? Can*t they
guefs ?
Scrub. Why fome think he*^ a Spy, fome gaefs be*^ a
Mountebank, fome fay one Thing, feme another*; but
for my own part, I believe he's a Jefuit?
Dor. A Jefuit I Why a Jefuit ?
Sirub, Becaafe he keeps his Horfes always ready fad-
died, and his Footman talks Frr^r/^.
Mrs. Sul, His Footman !
Scrub, Ay, he and the Count's Footman were gabber-
ing French like two intriguing Ducks in a Mill-pond ;
and I believe they talk'd of me, for they laugh'd
confumedly.
Dor. What fort of Livery has the Footman ?
Scrub, Livery ! Lord, Madam, I took him for a Cap-
tain, he's fo bedizen'd with Lace, and then he has Tops
to his Shoes, up to his mid Leg, a filver-headed Cane
dangling at his Knuckles— -^he carries his Hands in his
Pockets, and walks juft fo — [Walks in a Frtucb Air,"] and
has a fine long Periwig tied up in a Bag— Lord, Madam,
he's clear another fort of Man than I.
Mrs. SuL That may eafily be but what (hall we ^o
now, Sifter?
Dor. 1 have it This Fellow has a World of Sim-
plicity, and (bme Cunning, the firft hides the latter by
abundance— Scrub.
Scrub. Madam.
Dor. We have a great Mind to know who this Gentle-
man is, only for our Satisfa£lion. ' ••**-
Scrub. Yes, Madam, it would be a Satisfa^Uoil, nO
doubt.
Dor. Yon muft go and get
man, and invite him hither to <
becaufe you're Butler to-day.
Scrub, Yes, Madam, I am i
Mrs. Sul. O brave Sifter !
derftand the Mathematics air
the World ; your Mother,
imBoll^
o* i^L
30 The Beaux Stratagem.
Charch, my Spoufe uill be got to the Ale-houfe wi:h his
ScoandieU, and the Houfe will be our own— fo we drop
in by accident, and a(k the Fellow feme Queflions our-
felves. In the Country, you know, any Stranger is
Company, and we're glad to take up with the Butler in
a Country-dance, and nappy if heMt do us the Favour.
Scrub. Oh ! Madam, you wrong me; 1 never refus'd
your Ladyfliip the Favour in my 'Life.
Enter Gipfy.
Gip Ladies, Dinner's upon Table.
Dor. Scrubs we'll excufe your Waiting—Go where
we order'd yon.
Scrub. I ihall.
SCENE, changes to the Inn.
Enter Aimwell and Archer.
Jrch, Well, Tom, 1 find you're a Markfman.
Jim, A Markfman ! who fo blind could bras not dif*
cern a Swan among the Ravens ?
Jrcb Well, but heark'e, Aimwell,
Aim, Aimnuell ! call me Oroondates^ Ce/arioy Amadis^
all that Romance can in a Lover paint, and then Til an«
fwer. O Archery I read her thoufands in her Looks, (he
looked like Ceres in her Harveft, Corn, Wine and Oil,
Milk and Honey, Gardens, Groves ^d purling Streams,
play'd on her plenteous Face.
Arch, Her Face I her Pocket, you mean : the Com,
Wine and Oil, lies there. In (hort, ihe has ten thoufaud
Pound, that's the EngHJh on't..
Aim. Her Eyes ■
Arch. Are Demi- cannons, to be fure;. fo I won't ftand
their Battery. [Going.
Aim. Pray excufe me,, my Paflion muft have vent.
Arch. Paflion ! what a plague, d'ye think thefe Ro-
mantic Airs will do our Buiinefs ? Were my Temper as.
extravagant as yours, my Adventures have fomething.
more romantic by half*
Jim, Your AaventuresJ
Arcl. Yes,
pit
Tie Beaux Siralagem. 3 r
The Njmfb, {bat wth bir fwice ten hundred^ Vounh^
With brmzm Engine At/, and ^uoif clear fiarcb^d^-
Can fire tbe G'neft in voarming of the Be d
There'* »Tottch of fablime Mdton for yoo, and the Sub-
' ytdi bat an Inn-keeper's Daughter : 1 can pla;^ with a
Girl as an Angler doei with his Fi(h ; he keeps it at the
end of his Line, rans it up the Stream, and down the
Stream, till at laH, he brings it to hand, tickles the
Trout, and ib whips it int) his Bafket.
Enter Boniface.
Bon, Mr. Martin^ as tbe faying is — yonder's an horjcft
Fellow below, my Lady BountifuTs Butler, who begs the
Honour that you. would go home wiih him and fee his
Cellar.
Arcb. Do my Bat/emains to the Gentleman, and tell
him I win do myfel^the Honour to wait on him imme--
dia^ely, as the faying is.
Bott, I (hall do your Worship's Commands, as the fav-
l^g is. [Exiff boiuing oh/equiou^^.
Aim. What do I bear ? foft Orpheus piay» and fair
Teftido fine?
\Areb. Pmaw ! Damn your Raptures ; I tell you here's
a Pump l^oing to be put into the VeiTel, and the Ship
will get- mto Harbour, my Life on't. You fay, there's
another Lady very handfome there..
jfim* Yes, faith.
jfrcb. I'm in Love with her already.
Aim. Can't you give me a Bill, upon Cherry in the mean
time.
Arcb. No, no, Friend, all her Corn, Wine, and Oil,
i$ ingrofs'd in my Market -A«d once more I warn
you, to keep your Anchorage clear of mine ; for if you
fall foul on me, by this Light, you (hall go to the bot-
tom.-—; — What f make Prize of my little Frigate, while
J am upon the Cruife for you. [^Exit*
Enter Boniface.
Aim. Well, well, I won't-— Landlord ; hav^ you any
tolerable Company in the Houfe ? I don*t care for dining
alon^.
Bon, Yes, Sir, there's a Captain below,, as the faying
% that arrived about an.Hour ago,
m4i
J 2 '^he Beaux Stratagem.
Aim, Gentlemen of his Coat are welcome every
where ; will you make him a Compliment from me, and
tell him I fhould be glad of his Company ?
Bon. Who fhall I tell him, Sir^ would
Jim^ Ha t that Stroke was well thrown in — I'm only
a Traveller, like himielf, and would be glad of his
Company, that's alL
Bon, 1 obey your Commands, as the faying is. [Exit.
Enter Archer.
Arch. 'Sdeath \ I had forgot ; what Title will you give
yourfelf ?
Aim. My Brother's, to be fure : he would never give
me any thing t'S^^ fo I'll make bold with his Honour
this bout you know the reft of your Cue.
Arch. Ay, ay. [Exit.
Enter Gibbet.
Gih. Sir, Tm yours.
Aim. 'Tis more than I deferve. Sir, for I don't know
you.
Gib. I don't wonder at that, Sir, for you never faw me
before 1 hope, [Afide.
Aim, And pray. Sir, how came I by the Honour of
feeing you now I
Gih. Sir, I fcorn to intrude upon any Gentleman——^
but my Landlord — i
Aim. Or Sir, I afk you're pardon, you're the Captaia
he told me of.
Gih. At your Service, Sir.
Aim, What Regiment ? may I be fo bold ?
Gih. A marching Regiment, Sir, an old Corpi.
Aim. Very old,, if your Coat be Regimental. [AJide.\
You have ferv'd abroad, Sir ?
Gib. Yes, Sir, in the Plantations,, 'was my Lot to be
fent into, the worft Service ; I would have quitted it in-
deed, but a Man of Honour, you know— — Bcfides,
twas for the good of my Country that 1 fhould be abroad
—Any thing for the good of one's Country— I'm a
Roman for that.
Aim. One of fhe firft, I'll lajr my Life \AJiiie.'\ Voa
found the Wefi'-Inditi very hot, Sir,
Gib. Ay, Sir, too hot for me.
Jim.
The S^aux S^trafagm. 3^3
J!m: Fray, Sir, ha'n't I feen ^our Face at PTilN QoU
fee-hoafe ?
Gi6, Yes, Sir, and at WhUeh too.
Jim, And where is your Company now. Captain I.
Gib. They a'n'tcome yet.
jiim. Why, d'ye expeft 'cm here ?
Gib. They'll b^ here to-night. Sir.
Jim, Which way do they march ?
Gib, A-crofs the Country — The Devil's in't, if I hant
feid enough to encourage him to declare — but I'm afraid
he's not right, I mud tack about. \j4Jide.
Jim, Is your Company to Quarter at LitchfiiU?
Gib, In this Houfe, Sir.
Jim. What! all?
Gib, My Company's but thin, ha, ha, ha, we are but
three, ha, ha,, ha.
Jim, You're merry ,^ Sir.
Gib, Ay, Sir, you muft excufe me, Sir, I underfland
t^e World, efpecially the Art of Travelling : I don't
care. Sir, for anfwering Queftions dircdlly upon the Roa^
—for I generally ride with a Charge about me.
Jim, Three or four, I believe. [Jfi^e,.
Gib, I am credibly inform'd that there are Highway-
meti upon this Quarter ; not, Sir, that I could fufpeft a^
Gentlemen of your Figure- — But truly. Sir, I have got
fuch a way of Evafion upon the Road, that I don't care
for fpcaking Truth to any Man.
Jim,. Your Caution may be ncceffary— Then I prefumfr
yonVe no Captain^
6ib, Not I, Sir ; Captain is a* good travelling Name,.
and fo I take it ; it flops a great many fooliih Inquiries-
that are generally made about Gentlemen that travel;
it gives a Man^ an Air of fomeihing^ and makes the
Drawers obedientT-And thus far I am a Captain, and no-
iarther.
Jim. And pray. Sir, what is your true Profeffion ?
Gib. O, Sir, you muft excufe me— upon my Word^
Sir, I don't think it fafe to tell ye.
Jim, Ha, ha, ha^ upon my word, I commend you.
Etuer Boniface.
WeU, Mr. *J?fl»/^iCf, what's the News ?
&n» ThereV anoiher Gendentaa bA(m, as the faying
' is*
^ fh Reaux Stratagem.
is, that hearing you were but two, would be glad to
make the third Man, if you*d give him leave.
Jim, What is he ?
Bon* A Clergyman, as the Saying is.
Jim A Clergyman ! is he really a Clergyman ? or is
it only his travelling Name, as my. Friend the Captain
has it ?
Bon, O, Sir, he^s a Pried, and Chaplain to the French
Officers in Town.
Jim 1 s he a Frenchman ?
Bon, Yes, Sir, born at EruJJels,
Gib, A Frenchman, and a Prieft ! I won't be fcen in
his Company, Sir ; 1 have a Value for my Reputation,
Sr.—
Aim. Nay, but Captain, fince we are by ourfelves—
Can he fpeak EngU/B^ Landlord ?"
Bon, Very well. Sir ; you may know him, as the Say-
ing is, to be a Foreigner by his Accent, and that*s all.
Jim* Then he has been in England before ?
Ban^ Never, Sir; but he's a Matter of Languages, as
the Saying is ; he talks Latin^ it does me good to hear
bim talk Latin,
Jim, Then you.underftand Latin. Mr. Boniface,
Bon, Not I, Sir,, as the Saying is ; bjut. he talks it fi)
very faft, that Tm fure it mull be good.
Jim. Pray, deiire him to walk up.
Bon, Here he is, as the Spying is.
Enter Foigard.
Foig. Save you, Gentlemens bote.
- Jim, A Frenchman ! Sir, your mod humble Servant.
Foig, Och, dear Joy,, I am your moft faithful Shcr-
vant, and yours alfho.
Gib, Doflor, yon talk very goodEf^IiJi, but you have
a mighty Twang of the Foreigner.
Foig, My Englijb is very well for the vords, but we
Foreigners, you know, cannot bring our Tongues about
(}ie Pronunciation fo.foon.
Jim, A Foreigner I a downright Teague, by thii
Light. {^Ajideil ^ ere you born in France^ Doilor ?
Foig* I was educated in France, but I was borned t
Brufels : I am a Subjeft of the King of Sfain^ ioy\
Gfb. What Kinj^ of Sfaifg, Sir ? ijpeak..
Fcig,.
Tbs Beaux Stratageml 35
Foig. Upon my Ghool, Joy, ! cannot tell you as yet.
^im. Nay, Captain, that was too hard apon the Doc-
tor, he's a Straneer.
Fogg. O let him alone, dear Joy, I am of a Nation
>.that is not eaitly pat out of Countenance.
jfJm. Come, Gentlemen, I'll end the Difputc— — —
iiere. Landlord, is Dinner ready ?
£om. Upon the Table, as the Saying is.
jft'm. Gentlemen— pray — that Door, ■
Foig. No, no, fait, the Captain mull lead.
jiim. No, Dodlor, the Church is our Guide.
Gih Ay, ay, fo it is ■
[Exit/oremofi, they follow.
^ C £ N £ changes to a Gallery in Lady Bountiful'/ Hou/e.
Enter Archer and Scrub Jinging^ and hugging one another ;
Scrub <witb a tankard in his Hand^ Gipfey lijfning at
a diftance,
S<ruh, Tal, all, Dall— Come, my dear Boy— —let us
have that Song once more.
Jrch. No, no, we (hall difturb the Family : — But will
yoja be fure to keep the Secret ?
: Scrub, Pho ! upon my Honour, as I'm a Gentleman.
jlrch, Tis enough— —You muft know then, that my
Mailer is the Lord Vifcount Aimwell ; he fought a Duel
t'other Day in London^ wounded his Man fo dangeroufly,
that he thinks fit to withdraw till he hears whether the
Gentleman's Wounds be mortal or not : He never was in
this part of England before, fo he chofe to retire to this
I'lace, that's all.
Gip, And that's enough for me. [Exit.
Scrub. And where were you when your M^fler fought I
Jrcb, We never know of our Mailers Quarrels.
^crub. No! if our Mailers in the Country here receive
a Challenge, the iiril Thing they do, is to tell their
Wives ; tne Wife tells the Servants, the Servants alarm
the Tenants, and in half an Hour, you (hall have the
whole Country up in Arms.
Jrch, To hinder t^o Men from doing what they have
no mind for — But if you (hould chance to talk now of
this Bufin'efs ?
S^rub. Talk ! ah, Sir, had I no( learn'd the knack c^
- hoIding^
$6 ^be Beaux Strasagim.
holding my Tongue, I had never Iiv*d fo long in a great
Family.
JrcL Ay, ay, to be fure, there are Secrets in all Fa-
milies, "t
Scvu6. Secrets, O Lad I but I'll (ay no more — -
Come, fit down, we'll make an end of our Tankard :
Here
JrcL With all my Heart ; who knbws but you and I
may come to be better acquainted, eh Here's
your Ladies Health ; you have three, I think, and to be
liire there mull be Secrets among 'em.
Scrui;, Secrets ! Ah I Friend, Friend, I wift I had a
Friend.
Jrcb, Am not I your Friend? ComCi you and I wilt
be fworn Brothers.
Scru^. Shall we ?
JrcJi>, From this Minute — ^Give me a Kifs — And now.
Brother Scrul^*
Scruif, And now. Brother Margin, I will tell you a Se-
cret that wiil make your Hair iland an end : — Yoo nuft
know^ that I am confunied4y in Love.
Jrch. That's a terrible Secret, that's the truth on't» ^
Scrubs That Jade, Gip/ty^ that was »ith asjuil now in
the Cellar, is the arranteft Whore that ever wore a Petti-
coat, and I'm dying for Love of her.
Jrtb^, Ha, ha, ha-^— Are yoa in Love with her Perfon,
or her Virtue, Brother Scrub ?
Scrub, I (hould like Virtue bed, ^becanfe it is more
odarable than Beauty ; for Virtue holds good with fome
Women long, and many a Day after they have loft it. .
Jrch. In the Country, I grant ye, where no Woman*^8
Virtue is 16(1, till a Baftard be found.
Scrub. Ay, could I bring her to a Baftard, I (hould
have her all tomyfelf ; but I dare not put it upon that
Lay, for fear of being lent for a Soldier — Pray, Brother,
kow do you Gentlemen in London like that fame Preiling-
Jrch. Very ill. Brother 5cr»3: *Tis the worft that
ever was made for us : — Formerly I remember the good
Days when we could dun our Matters for our Wagef,
and if they refufed to pay us, we could have a Warrant
to carry 'cm before a Jullice ,* bat now if we talk of eat-
The Beaux Stratagem, 37
Hig, they have a Warrant for as, and carry us before
three Juftices.
Scrub, And to be fare we go^ if we talk of eating ; for
the Juflices won't give their own Servants a bad Exam-
ple. Now this ift my Misfortune 1 dare not fpeak in
the Hoafe, while that Jade> Gip/ey, dings about like a
Fury — Once I had the better end of the Staff.
jtrcb. And how comes the Change now ?
Scrub. Why, the Mother of all this Mlfchief is a
Pricll.
Jrcb. A Prieft !
&crttb. A]^f a damn'd Son of a Whore of BaMon^ that
came over hither to fay Grace to the French Officers, and
eat up our Provifions There*s not a day goes over bis
jHead witboat a Dinner or Suj>per in this Houfe.
Arch. How came he fo familiar in the Family ?
Scrub. Becaufe he fpeak s Englijb as if he had Hv'd
here all his Life, and tells Lies as if he had been a Tra-
veller from his Cradle.
Jrcb^ And this Prieft, Tm afraid, has converted the
Affedlions of your Giffty.
Scrub, Converted I av, and perverted, my dear Friend
—For, Pm afraid, he has made her a Whore and a Pa-
. pift— —But this is not all ; there's the French Count and
Mrs. Sullen^ they're in the Confederacy, and for fome
private Ends of their own too, to be fare.
Jircb, A very hopeful Family yours. Brother Scrub ;.
I fnppofe the Maiden Lady has her Lover too.
Scrub. Not that I know — She's the, bell on 'em, that's
the Truth on't : But they take care to prevent my Curio-
fity, by giving me fo much Bufmefs,. that Tm a perfeft
Slave-— What d'ye think is my Place in this Family ?
Jrch. Butler, I fuppofe.
Scru^. Ah, Lord help you— .Fll tell you — Of a Mon-^
day I drive the Coach, of a Tuefday. 1 drive the Plough,
on H^edne/day 1 follow the Hounds, a Tburjday I dun the
Tenants, on Friday I go to Market, on Saturday 1 draw
Warrants, and a Sunday I draw Beer.
Jrcb. Ha, ha, ha 1 if Variety be a Pleafure in Life,
you have enough on*t, my dear Brother — But what Ladies
are thofe ?
Scrui. Ours, ours ) that upon the Right-hand is Mrs.
^ Sulkn^.
38 The Beaux Sirafagem.
Sttlkfty and the other Mrs. Dori/iiia''''-^Don*t miijd 'cm,
fuftill, Man
Enter Mrs, Sullen and Dorinda.
Mrs. SuL I have heard my Brother talk of *my Lord
jfimwell, but they fay that his Brother is the finer Gts^
tleman.
Dor, That's impoffible, Sifter,
Mrs, SuL He's vaftly rich, and very clofe they fay.
Dor, No matter tor that ; if I can creep into hi
Heart, I'll open his Bread, I warrant him : 1 have heard
fay, that. People may be guefs'd at by the Behaviour oi
their Servants ; I could wiih we might talk to that Pel
low.
Mrs. SuL So do r ; for I think he*s a very pretty Fef-
low : Come this Way, I'll throw out a Lure for hiir
prefently.
\Tbey ixjalk a Turn towards the oppofite Sideioftbe Stage
Stagt. Mrs^ Sullen drops her Fan, Archer runs, take
it upt and gi<ves it to Jber.'}
jfrch. Corn, Wmc, and Oil, indeed — But, I think
the Wife has the greateft Plenty of Flefh and Blood ; fh
ihould be my Choice— Ay, ay, fay you fo — Madam
Yoor Ladyfhip's Fan.
Mrs. SuL O Sir, I thank you— —What a haiidfom
Bow the Fellow made !
Dcr, Bow ! Why I have known feveral Footmen com
down from London fet up here for Dancing- maders, an
carnr off the beft Fortunes in the Country.
Arck [/^Jide.'} That Projeft, for ought I know, ba
been better than ours—Brother Scrui, why don't yo
introduce me ?
Scrub. Ladies, this is the ftrange Gentleman's Sei
vant that you faw at Church to-day ; 1 underftood h
came from London, and fo I invited him to the Cellai
that he might (hew me the newefl Flourifh in whettin;
my Knives.
Dor, And I hope you have made much of him ?
Jrcb, O yes. Madam, but the Strength of your Lady
ihip's Liquor is a little too po.enc for the Conftitotion c
your humble Servant.
Mrs. SuL What, then you don't ufually drink Ale.
^rcb. No, Madam, my conftant Drink is Tea, or
Htt]
7i^ Beauie Siratagem. 3^
Ittic Wine and Water; 'tis prefcribed rac by the Thyfu
Jan for a Remedy againil the Spleen.
Scrub,, Of la ! O, la !— A Footman have the Spleen-
Mrs. SuL I thought that Diiiemper had been only pro-
ler tp People of Quality.
Jrcb. Madam, like all other Fafliions it wears out,
nd fo defcends to their Servants ; tho' in a great many
f us» 1 believe, it proceeds from fome melancholy Par-
icles in the Blood, occaiioned by the Stagnation of
Vages.
Dor. How affededly the Fellow talks— How long, pray,
ave you ferv'd your prefent Mailer ?
jirch^ Not long ; my Lifie has been moftlv fpent in the
lervice of the Ladies.
JMrs. SuL And pray, which Service do you like bed ?
Jrcb, Madam, the Ladies pay beft; the Honour of
erving them is fufficieot Wages ; there is a Charm in
heir Looks that delivers a Pleafure with their Commands,
nd gives our Duty the VVings of Inclination.
Mrs. Sul. That Flight' was above the Pitch of a Li-
ery ; and, Sir, would not you be fatisfied to ferve a
^ady again ?
Arch, As Groom of the Chambers, Madam, but not
is a Footman. ,
Mrs. Sui, I fuppofe you ferv'd-as a Footman before ?
jfrcb. For that Reafon 1 would not ferve in that Poft
igain ; for my Memory is too weai: for the Load of Mef.
^ges that the Ladies lay upon their Servants in London :
My Lady Honufye, the hit Millrcfs I ferv'd, callM me
op one Morning, and told me, Martin^ go to my Lad^
dihijgbt with my humble Service ; tell her I was to wait
on her Lad^fhip yellerday, and ieft Word with Mrs. R(*
Wca^ that fhe Preliminaries of the Affair fhe knows of,
ire ilopt *till we know the Concurrence of the Perfon
hat I know of, for which there are Circumftances want-
ng which we fhall accomm 'date at the old Place; but
hat in the mean time there is a Perfon about her Lady-
hip, thajfrom feveral Hints and Surmifes, was acceffary
t a certain Time to the Difappointtnents that naturally
ttend Things, that to her Knowledge are of no mora
mpertance ■ _«
. Mrs.
40 ^e Beauit Stralagm.
r. // , I pj^^ ^^^ where are you ^oing, Sir?
Arch. Why, I ha'n't half done. ^The whole How-
d'ye was about Half-an-houf long ; fo happen'd to mif-
place two Syllables, and was turn'd off, and rendered in-
capable
Dor, The pleafanteft Fellow, Sifter, I ever fa w. —
But, Friend, if yoor Matter be married— —I prefume
you ftill ferve a Lady.
Jrch, No, Madam, I take care never to come into a
married Family ; the Commands of the Mafter and Mif-
trefs are always fo contrary, that 'tis impoffible to plcafc
both.
Dor. There's a main Point gain'd.— — My Lord is not
married, 1 find. [Afide*
Mrs. SuL But I wonder, Friend, that in fo man/
good Services, you had not a better Provifion made for
you.
Jrch, I don't know how, Madam.— I had a Lieute-
nancy offered me three or four times ; but that is not
Bread, Madam — I live much better as I do. I
Scrub. Madam, he fings rarely— I was thought todo^
pretty well here in the Country till he came ; but, alack-'
a-day, Fm nothing to my Brother Martin, I
Dor, Does he I Pray, Sir, will you oblige us with a '
Song ?
Jrch. Are you for Paflion or Humour ?
Scrub, O, la I He has the pureft BallaSi about a
Trifle
Mrs. Su/. A Trifle ! Pray, Sir, let's have it.
jfrcb, I'm afham'd to offer you a Trifle, Madam : But
iince you command me
[Shgs to the Tune of Sir SimOn the Kingi^
A Trifling Song you Jball hear^
Begun ivith a Trtfie and ended ^ &c.
Mrs. SuL Very well, Sir, we're obligM to you — — ^
Something for a Pair of Gloves. [Pff^^^^g ^i^ Monejl
Arch. 1 humbly beg leave to be excufed : My MafteiVj
Madam, pays me ; nor dare I take Money from anf
Other Hand, without injuring his Honouri and difobey-
liis Commands* [Exiu
D^r.
Tbi Beaux Stralagem. 41 .
tr. This is furpriiing : Did you ever fee (b pretty a
bred Fellow ?
rs^ SuL The Devil take him for wearing that Li-
»r. I fancy. Sifter, he may be feme Gentlemao, a
id of my Lord*s, that his Lordihip has pitched upon
lis Courage, Fidelity, and Discretion, to bear him
pany in this Drefs, and, who, ten to one was his Se-
rs. Sul. It is fo, it moft be fo, and it ihall be fo— -^
[ like him.
?r. What ! belter than the Count ?
rs. SttL The Count happen'd to be the moft agree-
Man upon the Place; and fo I chofe him to lerve
a my De(ign upon my Hufband — But 1 ihould like
Fellow better in a Defign upon myfelf.
9r. But now, Sifter, for an Interview with this Lord»
this Gentleman ; how (hall we bring that about ?
rs. SuL Patience ! you Country Ladies give . no
ter, if once you be enter'd Would you prevent
Deftres, and give the Je' lows no wilhing time.
c'e, Dorittda, u my Lord Aimnjuell loves you or de-
s you, he'il find a Way to fee you, and there we
leave ic. — My fi*jfine& comes now upon the Tapis
ave you prepared your Brother ?
7r. Yes, yes.
rs. Sul, And how did he relifli it ?
7r. He faid little, mumbled fomething to himfelf,
promis'd to be guided by me : But here he comes.--*
Enter Sullen.
tL What finging was that I heard juft now ?
rs. ShL The Singing in your Head, my Dear, yott
5lain'd of it all Day.
'/. Vou*re impertinent,
rs^ SuL I was ever fo, fince 1 became one FIcfli with
/. One Flefh 1 rather two CarcafTes join*d unnatu-
together.
rs. SuL Or rather a living Soul coupled to a dead
?r. So, this is fine Encouragement for mef
/. Yes, my Wife ihews you what you mull do !
Mrs*
4^ 7be Beaux Stratagem.
Mrs. SuL And my Hu/band (hews you what yoa i
foffer.
Sul. 'Sdeath, why can't yoa be filcnt ?
Mrs. SuL 'Sdeath, why can't you talk >
SuJ, Do you talk to any purpoie f
Mrs. SuL Do you think to any purpoie ?
SuL Sifter, heark'e— [^-^//j^/r/.J 1 (han't be home
it be late,
Mrs. Sul, What did he whifper to ye ?
Dor. That he would go round the back-way, cc
into the Clofet, and lillen as I diredled him. Bui
me beg once more, dear Sifter, to drop this Projed ;
as I told you before, inftead of awaking him to Kindn
yott may provoke him to Rage ; an^ then who km
how far his Brutality may carry him ?
Mrs. Sul. I'm provided to receive him, I warrant y
But here comes the Count, vanifti. [Exit Doriii
* Enter Count BeJlair,
Den^tyoM'wonder, Monfieur le Count, that I was no
Church this /fterMon ?
Count. J more nuonder^ Madam, that you go den at
or how you dare lift tho/e Eyes to Hea*ven thai are gi
of fo much killing.
Mrs. Sul. If Heavetf Sir. Bas ^*ven t§ my Eyes, i
the Power of kil ing^ the Vir. u$ •/ making a Cure, 1 t
the one may a Hone for the other.
Count. O largely y Madam^ ivould your Ladyjhip h
ready to apply the Remedy^ at to gi*ve the Wound^Con/i
Madam, 1 am doubly a Prifoner ; firft to the Arms of j
General, then to your more conquering Eyes ; my firft Chi
are eajy, there a Ranfom may redeem me, but from your 2
ters I never Jhall get free,
Mrs. Sul. Alasy Sir! Why Jhould you complain torn
your Capii'vity, nxiho am in Chains my/elf? Tou knotjj, >
that I am hound, nay, muft he tied up in that Partia
• This Scene printed in Italic, with the entire ^ar
the Count, was cut out by the Author after the firft Nig
Reprefentation ; and where he ftiould enter in the
Scene of the fifth A^, it is added to the Part of Foigm
Tlbe Beaux Stratagem. 43
that might give you Enfe : I am like jqu, a Pri/omr ef
Wor—^ — of Ht'ar^ indeed-^l ba*ve ginj u tny Harole of Ho-
ncur ; ivouldyau break yokr*s to g^iu your Liberty ?
Count. Mefl certainly I iv'ju!dy iverf la Pri/j/rcr amons^
the Tu/ks,; eUi is your Cafe^ you re a S.aiy, il/^fiW^, ^/ave
to the nvorfi o^ Turks ; a tiufhand*
Mrs, ^\x\. Tbe¥t Un my icib/e, I ccnfr/s ; nt^ Fortifra-'
tions^ no Courage^ Conduit non Vigiiu'Cy^ can jieteinl la
Jefend a Place^ ijubire the Crue'ty of the O^v^'tior faticcs //.'•?
Garrifon to Mutiny.
Count, Jnd'Vihere de Fefeger is rz/i V<^ to die before <iV
Place Here nfoill I fix \ [tvpaels.j n^'ilh Tears^ /oti/,
and Prayers y affau t y ur He^rtt <uid >f^vcr tife till yen j'u}-
render ; or if Tmufi Jlorm^-l^ove ^»d St, MSclyAcl-r- /^d J'i
I begin the Attack
Mn. Sul Stand off ^'^Bune he hears mt not — And 1 c(,uld
nlmofi 'wijh'—he did not — the Fellcnju mcUes l.oue %:c>y pt^s-
tily. [Afide.] ^a/.. Sir^ <why Jhould yaa put Ju^ch a t'uluc
-upon my Per/on^ ^hen ym fee it d^ps^d by one that kno ivs
itfo much better ?
Count. He knows it npt^ tho he poffeffhs it i if he hut
hteiM) the Value of the Jenvel he is mafler of^ he iA:ould al^
tvays nAjear it next his Hearty andfleep <with it in his Jrws,
mrs^ Sul. But Jtnce he throws me unregarded from
him, ■
^ Count. And one that knowos your Valm isfell, comes by
etnd takes you uf, is it not Jujiice?
\ [Goes to lay hold of her.
r Enter Sullen with his Sword drawn.
Sul. Hold, Villain, hold.
\ Mrs. 5ul. [Preienting a Pillol] Do you hold?
i ; Sul. What ! Murder your Hyfbqnd, to defndydur Bully?
.; Mrs, Sul. Bully ! For Jhame, Mr Sullen, BuUies --wear
t\ Jong Snvords, the Gentleman has none ; ht^s a Fr'ifiner^ yc^
''• knotu — I <was aiuare of your Outrage , and prep^r'*d this to
, 1 recei'Ve yaur Violence ; and, if Od afton 'ware, to pr,efer^e
\ myfelf again ft the Forxe of this at her Gentleman
f . Coune. Madam, your Eyes be better Fire-arms than
s ycur Pifiol, they never mifs.
ft Sul. PVhat ! court my H'ife to my Face!
Mrs. Sul. Prcff^ Mr. Suliei?, fut ut%^/t^pen4 your Furji
for a Minute.
VoL.IL N S'
44 7^^ Beaux Stratagem.
Sul. To gi<ve time to invent an Excufe.
Mrs,S\x\, 1 need none,
Sul. A^o, for I heard every Syllable of your Difcourfe.
Count. Ah ! And begar^ I tink de Dialogue was vtrj
pretty,
Mrs. Sul. Then, I/uppo/e, Sir, you beard fomething of
your oivn Barbarity ?
Sul. Barbarity / Oonj ivhat does the Woman call Barba-
rity ? Do I ever meddle ivith ycu ^
Mrs. Sul. No,
Sul. Ai for you^ Sir, 1 Jhall take another time.
Count. Ahj hegar, fo mufi /.
Sul. Look!e, Madam ^ don't think that my Anger proceeds
from any Concern I have for your Honour, hut for my onvn ;
and if you can contrive any vuay of being a Whore voithout
making me a Cuckold, do it and voelcome.
Mrs. Sul. Sir, 1 thank you kindly, you nvould allovu me
the Sin, but rob me of the Pleafure — No, nof Pm refolv*d
nevir to venture upon the Crime, vuithout the SatisfaQion of
feeing you funijh'd for't,
Sul. Then vuill you grant me this, my Dear ? Let attf
Body elfe do you the Favour but that Frenchman, for I mor^
tally hate his vohote Generation, [Exit.
Count. Ah, Sir^jhat be urgrateful, for, begar, I love
f(;fme of yours ; Madam*-^ [Approaching her.
Mrs, Sul. No, Sir
Count, No, Sir! Garxoon, Madam, I dm not your
H'jjband,
Mrs. Sul. 'T/j time to undeceive you. Sir ; 7 helie*v*d
your Addreffes to me nuere no more than an Amufement, and
I hope you vjill think the fame of my Complaifance ; and to
convince you that you ought, you mufi knovj, that I brought
you hither only to make you infirumtntal in fetting me right
vjith my Hujhand, for he nvas planted to liJIoM by my /tp»
pointment.
Count. By your Appointment f
Mrs. Sul. Certainly !
Count. And fo, Madam^ nvhile I ivae telling twenty
Stories to part you from yotir Hujband, begat ^ 1 vaat bring"
ingyou togetheY all the vuhile
Mrs. Sul. / rf/k your Pardon, Sir, but f hope this will
give you a Tafle of the Virtue of the Englifh LiMes. "
1 Count.
Tbe Beaux Stratagem. 4 5
Count. Begar, Madam, your Virtue ie vera great, hut
Carzeofif jour HoneJIj be nfera little^
£Dter Dorinda,
Mrs, Sal. Nty, nonvyoure angry. Sir,
* Count, jin^ry / Fair Dorinda [Sings Fair Dorinda the
Opera Tune, and addrefTes to Dorinda.'] Madam, ivhen
four Lady/hip fwants a Fool, /end fir «/, *' Fair Dorinda
Revenge^', ^c. [Exit.
Mrs. Sul. Tifere goes the true Humour of his 'Nation,
Refentment ivitb good Manners, and tbe height of Anger in
a Song fVetl, Sifitr, you muft he Judge, for you ha*ve
beard the Trial.
Dor. And I bring in my Brother guilty.
Mrs. Sul. But 1 muft bear the Punijbmcnt — 'TV/ hard^
Sifer.
Dor. I own it^butyou muft have Patience.
Mrs, Sul. PMence I The Cant of Cuflom-^Providence
fends no Evil vcithout a Remedy ' J hmld I lie groaning
under a Take I can fljake off, I voere acctffary to my Ruin,
and my -Patience nvete no better than Sef-murder,
Dor. But how can you Jhake off the Toke Tiur
Dtvifions dont come vjitbin the Reach of the Lavt, for a Di*
vorce.
Mrs. Sul. Law ! What Latv can fearch into the remote
Abyfs of Nature, nvhat Evidence can prove the unaccount^
able DifaffeSlions of Wedlock P-^an a Jury fum up the end-
lefs Aver/ions that are rooted in our Souls, or can a Bench
give Judgment upon Antipathies ?
Dor. 'I hey never pretended. Sifter ; they never meddle,
hut in cafe of XJncleaunefs.
Mrs. Sul. Uncleannefs / O Sifter ! Cafual Violation is a
tranfient Injury, and may pojjibh be repaired, but can radi-
cal Hatreds be ever reconcird? — No, no. Sifter, Nature is
the firft Lavjgiver^ and vjhen Jhe has fet Tempers ifpofite,
not all the goUen Links of Wedlock-, nor Iron Manacies of
Law can keep 'emfafi.
Wedlock we own ordain'd by Heaven's Decree,
But fttch as Heaven ordain'd ii firfi: to be.;
Concnrring Tempers in the Man and Wifet
As mutual H«lps to draw the* Load of Life.
N a ■ View
jfi Tbi Beaux Strdtagtm.
View all the Work6 of Providence above^
The Stars with Harmony and Concord mOve ;
View all the Works of Providence below,
The Fire, the Water, Earth and Air we know,
. ^11 in one Plant agree eo make it grow.
MuR Man, the chieftil Work pf Ajt Divine,.
Bo doom'd in endlefs Difcord to repine ?
No, we fhouid injure Heaven by that Siiriflife,
Omnipotence is jail, were Man but wife.
th€ End of the Uird A C t.
ACT IV.
SCENE continues.
Enter Mrs, Sullen.
'Mrs.Sul.ytTEKE I born an humbJc TVrri, y
W Women have no Soul nor PrO]
there I muA fit contented'^ — £ut in. E/tgJatid^ a Co
whofe Women are its Glory, mull Women be ab
Where Women rule, muik Women be enflav'd f
cheated into Slavery ? mock'd by a Promife of con
iU>le Society into a Wildernefs of SoHinde ?— I dai
keep the Thought about me-«-0 ! here comes iOmc
to divert me
£ntfr a Cmentry W-omAn*
Worn, I come, a'nt pleafe your Ladyih\p— jou'x
lunA^ B^nrifu\ aVt y€?
lAxu SuL Well, good Woman, goon.
^om. I come feveateen long Miks w hzfc a Cti:
my Hii(band's fore Legk
Mrs SuL YourUuflHrndi Whkt, iVbman, cure
jEiufband 1
fFom. Ay, poor Man, for his fore Leg won^t le
llir from Home.
Mrs. Suf, There, I conJfeA, you lune ^^iren me a
fon. — Well, ^ood Woman, V\i tsU foa vriat you
ao Yoa muft Jay ytiarHa^hnd^^iJag^^OffOA a T
and wi(h a Chopping-knife yoa mull lay it opea as I
tbt Beattif Stratagem. 47
is you can« then yoa muft take oat tke Bone, and beat
the Flcfli foundly with a Rowling-pin, then take Salt,
• Pepper, Cloves^ Mace, and Q'nger, foiyie Sjveet herbs,
and feafon it very well, then ro 1 it up like Brawn, and
^tit it into the Oven for two Hours.
IVom. Heaven reward your Ladyihip— I have two lit-
tle Babies too that are pitious bad with the Graips, a'n'c
pleiTfc ye.
Mrs. .W. Put a little Peppjy and Salt in their BeJlies,
good Woman [Enftr Lady Bountiful ] f bejg your 1 aHy-
ihip^s Pardon for taking yourBufinef> out ofyour Hands,
1 have been a tampering here a Hltle with one of your
Patients.
L. Boun, Come, good Woman, don't mind this mid^
Creature ; I am the Perfbn that you want, I fuppofe' —
What would you have, Woman ?
Mrs^ ^uL She wants (bmethjin? for her ftufband's fore
ICff.
X liw9. Wbat*s tht matter with his Leg, Goofiy ?
W9m* 'h come firil, as orw might Yay, wkh a ibjit ©f
Wnrinefs in Ms i^oot, then he 4iati n Kind of Lazint^
In his Joints, and then his Le^ broke out. and then it
fwelPcC and then it clofed again, and then it broke ou t
a«nn^ und then it fefter^d, and then it grew better, and
ffSen it grew worfe again.
'Mrs. 5»/. Ha, ha, ha.
L. Boun, How can you be merry with the Misfortunes
of other People?
Mrs. ^uL Becaufe my own make me fad. Madam.
L, Boun, The worfl Reafon in the World, Daughter ;
your own Misfortunes fhould teach vou to pity others.
Mrs. ^ul. But the Woman's Misrortuncs and mine are"
nothing alike i her Hufband is Tick, and mine, alas 1 is
io Health.
L. Boun, What ! would you wijh your Hufband fick ?
Mrs. SuU Not of a fore I eg of all Things
L- Boun. Welt, good Woman, go to the Pantry, get
yotir ^dly full of \ iftuals, then T*ll give you a Receipt
of Diet-drink f^r your Hufband — Bnt d'ye hear, Goody,
yota muft not let your Hufband move too much.
Worn* No, no. Madam, the i;ojr Man's inclinable
enough to He ilill. [i^Arr/.
N 3 L. Boun.
48 The Beaux Stratagem.
L. Boufi, Well, Daughter Sullen, tho* you laugh, I
have done Miracles about the Country here with my Re-
ceipts.
Mrs, SuL Miracles indeed, if they have cur'd any
Body ; but I believe, Madam, the Patient's Faiih goes
farther towards the Miracle than your Prefcripiion,
L. Boun. Fancy helps in fome Cafes ; but there's your
Hufband, who has as litt'e Fancy as any Body, I brought
him from Death's Door.
Mrs Sul I Tuppofe, Madam, you made him drink
plentifully of Afs's Milk.
Enter Dorinda, runs to Mrs. Sullen*
Dor. News, dear Sifler, News, News.
Enter Archer running.
Arch, Where, ^ where is m^ Lady Bguutiful P * Pray,
which is the old Lady of you three ?
L. Bautt.l am.
Arch. C Madam, the Fame of your Lad)'fliip'8 Cha-
rity ,^ <joodn efs. Benevolence, Skill and Ability, have
dra^n me hither 10 implore your Ladyftiip's Help in be-
kalr of my unfortunate Mailer, who is this Momeat
Dreathing his laft.
L, Boun, Your Matter I where is he?
Arch, At your Gate, Madam, drawn by the Appear*
ance <Jf your handfome Houfe to view it nearer, an4
walking up the Avenue within five Paces of the Court*
yard, he was taken ill of a fudden with a fort of I know
not what ; but down he fell, and there he lies.
L. Boun. Here Scruby Gip/ey, all run, get my Eafy-
chair down Stairs, put the Gentleman in it, and bring
him in quickly, quickly.
Arch, Heaven will reward your Ladyfhip for this chat-
ritable Aft.
L Boun. Is your Mailer us'd to thefe Fits ?
Arch. O yes. Madam, frequently--] have known him
have five or fix of a Night.
L. Boun, What's his Name?
Arch. Lord, Madam, he's a dying ; a Minute's Gate
or Neglcd may fave or deftroy his Life.
h.Eoun, Ah, poor Gentleman ! Come,^ Friend, ihew
me the way ; I'll fee him brought in myfelf,
[Exit luith Archer.
" Dor.
fBe Beaux Stratagem. 49
Dcr. O, Sifter, my' Heart flutters about ftrangelj, I
can hardly forbear running to his Abidance.
Mrs. Sul, And I'll lay my Life he defcrves your Af-
fiflance more than he wants it : Did not I tell you that
my Lord would find a way to come at you ? Love's hit
Didemper, and you m\ift be the Phyfician ; put on all
your Charms, fummon all your Fire into your Eyes*
plant the whole Artillery of your Looks againft his
^reaft, and down with him.
Dor. O, SiHer, I'm but a young Gunner, I fhall b«
afraid to (hoot, for fear ihe Piece ihould recoil, and hurt
myfclf.
Mrs. SmI Never fear, you fliall fee me (hoot before
you, if you will.
Derr No, no, dear Sifter, you have mifs'd your Mark
fo unfortunately, that I ihan^t care for being inftrufled
by you.
£Mt£r Aimwell in a Cbair^ carried hy Archer and Scrub,
Lady Bountiful, Gipfey: Aimwell counurfeitiug aSnAjoon.
L. BouH. Here, here, let's fee the Hartlhorn Drops—
Gipfey t a Glafs of fair Water, his Fit's very ftrong.—
Blefs me, how his Hands are clinch'd.
Jrcb. For fliame, Ladies, what d'ye do ? why don't
you help us r— Pray, Madam, [To Dorinda.] take his
Handi and open it, if you can, whilft I hold his Head.
[Dorinda takes bis Handm
Dor. Poor Gentleman Oh ^he has got my Hand
within hrs, and fqueezes it unmercifully
L. Boun. 'Tis the Violence of his Convulfion, Child.
Jrch. C\ Madam, he's perfectly poflefs'd in thefci
Cafes — he'll bite you if you don't have a care.
Dor, Oh, my Hand ! my Hand I
L. Boun, What's the matter with the foolifh Girl ? I
have got this Hand open you fee with a great deal of
Eaf^.
Jrcb. Ay, but, Madam, your Daughter's Hand U
fomewhat warmer than your Ladylhip's, and the Heat of
it draws the Force of ihe Spirits that Way.
Mrs. SuL 1 find, Friend, you're very learnedin thefe
fort of Fits.
N 4 Jrcb.
^ 7ie Beaux Stratagem.
Arch, 'Tis no wonder. Madam, for Tiri iyftei) trooH^J
with them m^feif; I find myfelf extremely ill at tl.is
Minute. \^Ltokinghard at %lrs. Sullen.
^rs.^*/. \;^Jide.'\ I Fancy 1 could find a Way to core
L. ioun. His Prt holds him vti"^ ^ong>
^f;&. Longer than ufual. Madam,— Pray, yoing
Lady, .opeti'his Bre.ift and cjve him Air.
L J^tftfxr. Where did his Illnefs take him iix^^ pray ?
Arch. Jo- day at Churchy Madam.
L. Boun, In what manner was he taken ?
/ifcij. Very ftrangely, my Lady* He was of a fuddeo
toach'd wi h foinetbing in his Eyes, which at the frit he
only ftlt, but could not tell whether 'twas Pain or Flea-
fur e.
L. Bonn, Wind, nothing but Wind.
j^rth. By foft Degrees it grew and mounted to hi4
Brain, there hJs Fancy caught it ; there form'd it fo
be^utiful^ aiHi 4i^&Ui it ^f in f^c^ ^oy;, 4ilef^«^ Cok>iinw
ihat his U9f^i^iKii4^ ^fjj>p|it$ fj^«esi ^f Vff ddloa* and
ftraijjhjt <ppyf|y*^ i^ j^ Jij^s ^caftt. "JYtX HqfpvtaWc S«at
of Life fefit afl iu /anj^nc Spirits fqrtji to iRf et \\^ aiv4
opened all its Huicy Gat^is to iaJke the Sttian^er io.
L. ^nK^r. Y.Q^ur |y(lafber AiPuld n^v^r ^o wichp^t a Settle
Jp'fmeil -tp.— rr-^Oi f~be ra(;Qy4irs j, ., jtifae JU?
V^d^ \f^t^Tr-r^{^mi JFea,tji^r^ .to biiin g^wJ^r i" ^'pft
^ — Hungry-tw^tcr to /<ttb his Temples— — ^O, he cOmes
to himieTf. Hen;i a li'tlc. Sir, hem-*^?//^, brinjg ;ihc
Cordiai-water. f Aimwell /ami tp awake in avasci.
Dor. Hovv do you, !oir ?
Jim Where am I ? \J^iJt»g»
Sure 1 have pafs'd the Gulph of £leiit Death,
And now am landed on the Elyfian Shore——
Behold the Goddefs of thofe happv Plains, ^
Fair Froferpine — let me adore thy bright Divinity.
[Kfiee/j to Dorinda, and kijfes her Hand.
Mrs. Sul. §o, fo, fo, I knew where the Mt w.ould end.
4im. Euryflicf perhaps ■■
inow could thy Orpheus keep hi6 Word,
And not look back upon thee ;
No Treafure but thyVelf could fure have brib'd him
To look one Minute oiF thee.
L. Boun^
fhe Beaux Siratagefn. 5 1
L. Bou^. Delirious, poor Gentlemaz).
Jncb* ytry delirious, Madam, «cry delirious.
Jim. Martiu'% Voice, 1 ihink.
Jrch. Ycfp my Lord— How does your Lordfliip ?
L. Boun Lord f did you mind that, Girls ?
Aim Where am. I ?
Arch, Id very good Hands, Sir — You were takfn juft
now with one of your old Fits, unier the Trees, juft by
this good La'iy*! Hou'e ; hrfr LadyGiip bad you taken in,
and nas niiaculoufly brought you to yourieir, as you
fee
Aim. I am fo confounded with Sha.re. Madam, that
I can now only beg Pardon And lefcr my Acknow-
ledgments for your Ladyihip's Care^.tU an Opportunity
offers of making foroc amends 1 dare be no longer
troabkfome-^Af/ir/is, give two Guineas to the Servants,
[Goin^
Dor. Sir, you may catch CoW by going (o foon into
the Air 1 you don't look, Sir, as if you were f eifedly
recover *d.
[Hire hy^tx talks to Lady Bountiful in diwib Jheiv.
Airtu That 1 i^all never be, Madam ; my prefent III-
a0fs is (b rootedy- that I muil cxped to carry it to my
Grave.
'Mrs.^W. DOD*t defpaxr, Sir; I have known ieveral in
your Diftemper (hake it off, with a Fortnight's Phyfic.
L- Boun. Come, Sir, your Servant ha» been tellin? me
that you*rc apt to reltpfc, if you go into the Air— Your
good Manners (han't get the better of ours — You (hall fit
dawn again. Sir:— ^Come, Sir, we don't mind Ce-
remonies in the Country — Here, Sir, my Service t'ye—-
Vou ihall taQe toy Water ; 'tis a Cordial I can affure
fou, and of my own making —-Drink it off, Sir :
Aimweli </r/«i/.] And how d'ye (ind yourfelf now. Sir?.
Aint' Somewhat better— tho* very faint (lill.
L. ioutt. Ay, ay. People are alivays faint af:er thefe-
Fits. Come, Girls, vou fliall (heyv the Gentleman the
Houfe } '(isbut an old Familyrbuilding, Sir ; but you
had better walk about^ and cool by decrees, than venture
immedia:«ly into the Air You'll nod fomo tolcjabrc
Pi^urfis-*.DflnW/i, (hew the Gentlemaa the Way. {B^xii^
1 maft £9 to the poor Womaa below.
52 TJbe Beaux Siraiagem.
Dcr. This Way, Sir.
^V/;/. Ladies, (hall J beg leave for my Servant to wait
on you, for he underftands Pictures very well.
Mrs .^«/. Sir, we underftand Originals, as well as lie
does Pidures, fo he may come along.
[Ex, Dor. Mn, Sull. Aim. Arch. Aim. leads Dor.
Enter Foigard and Scrub, meeting.
Foig, Save you, Mafter Scru6,
Scrub. Sir, I won't be fav'd your Way 1 hate a
Prieft, 1 abhor the French^ and I defy the Devil— ^Sir,
I'm a bold Briton^ and will (pill the lall Drop of my
Blood to keep, out Popery and Slavery.
Feig. Mailer Scrub, you would put me down in PoliticJ,
and fo I would be (jpeaking with Mrs. Gipfey,
Scrub, Good Mr. Prieff; you can't fpeak with her ;
(he's fick, Sir ; (he's gone abroad. Sir;, ihe's — dead two
Months ago. Sir.
_ Enter Gipfey^
Gip, How now. Impudence \ How dare you talk (b
faucily to the Dodlor ? Pray, Sir, don't take it ill ; for
the common People of England are. not fo civil to Stran-
gers, as — —
Si,rub. Ybtt lie, you IJe ; 'tis the common People,
fuch as you are, that are civilefl to Strangers.
Gip. Sirrah, I have a good mind to ^ Get you oat» I
fay ! •
Scrub. T won't!'
Gip, You won't, Sauce box — Pray, D*o£lor, what is
the Captain's Name that came to your Jnn laft Night ?
Scrub, The Captain I ah, the Devil, there (he ham-
pers me again;— the Captain has me on one Side, and
the Prieft on t'o her :~So between thyb Gown and Sword,.
I hive a fine time on't—But, Cedc^ntiArmaTog^, [Going,
Gip What^ Sirrah, won't you march ? •
. Scrub. No, my dear, [ won't march— but PU walk ::
'-^;\nd I'll make bold toliften a little too.
]fioes behind the Side-fcene, mnJlftgns^
Gip, Indeed,' D Sor, the Count has been barbaroufly
treated, that's the. Truth on't;
Foig Ah,/^-rs. Gip/ey, upon my Shoal, now Gra,
his Complainings would moilify the Marrpw in your
Bones, and move the Bowels of your Commiferation ; he
vccpi.
, Tbi Beaux Stratagem. 53
veepSj and he dances, and he fifties, and he Avfars, and
he laughs, and he fings : In Conclufion, Joy, he*s a/Hidl-
ed, a la Pranfois, and a Stranger would not know whider
to cry^ or to laugh with him.
Gip, What would you have me do, Dodor ?
Foig. Noting. Joy, but only hide the Count in Mn.-
SuIiiHB Clofet, when it is dark.
Gif. Nothing! Is that nothing? It would be both a
Sin and a Shame,. DoAor.
Fojg. Herei: twenty Lewis d'Ors, Joy, for jrour Shame }
and I will give yon an Abfolution for the Shin.
Gif\ But won't that Money look like a Bribe ?
Fo.g. Dat is according as you (hall tauk i: — If yon
receive the Money before hj^nd, *twiil be Lg^ict^ a Bribe ; •
but if you :'ay till afterwards, 'twill be only a Gratifica-
tion.
G/>. Well, Doflor, I'll take it loiic} But what
inuA 1 do with my Confcience, Sir?
Fotg. Leave dat wid me, Joy ; I am your Prieft, Grai
And your Conlcicnce is under my Hands.
Grp. Buc fhouid I pit the Count into the Clofet
Foig, Veil, is derc any Shin for a Man's being in a
Cloftiet ? one may go to Prayers in a Cloihet.
Gijf But if the Lady (hould come into her Chamber
and go to Bed ?
Foig Vel. aid is dere any Shin in going to Bed, Joy ?
G/p Ay, but if the Parties (hou.d meet. Dodlor ?
Foig, Vel den — the Parties muft be reiponfible.^— •-— _
Do you be gone after putting the Count in the Cloiet ;
and leave the Shins wid themielves 1 will come with
the Count o inA u6l you in your Chamber.
Gip. Well, Dodor, your R lieirjn is fo pure — — Nifc-
think^ i*m fo eaiy after an Ai^folution and can (in afreih
with fo much Security, that Pm refolv'a to die a Martyr
to'c-*- Here's the Key of the Gai den- door ; come in
'the Back-way, when 'tis late I'll be ready to receive
you ; but don't fo muc'i as whilper, only take hold of
xny hand ; TU lead you, and do you lead the Count, and
follow me. lEx€unt.
Evter Scrub.
Seruh What Witchcr ft now have thefc two Imps of
the Devil been a hatching here ?— There's twenty Lewis
d'Ors;
54 Tk Be;iH^ Str.^a^*
d'Ors ; I hca;-(J that^ ;|i^d f2^w the Purfe :»-But I m\iit
giyje rQOm to my Eelters.
dumb She<iv — Mrs, &tiXU ami Arcker.
^/Trs. SuL Pray, S}r, \To Archer.] how d'y^ like that
Piece?
jirch. O, 'tis LeJa" rVou find, Mi^am, hp)v Jypittr
came difguis'd to make Love —
My%. SuL B^t what think you there oi 4lexander\ fiat-
ties ? ■ "^
J^rch, Wc want onjy a i^^ J?r«», Madam, to (}''aw
gre^tijer Battles, a.nd a greater General of our p;vn—
The Danube^ Madam, would mafee a greater Figure in a
Pi61ure than the Grannies ; and we have our KamfHes jfo
match their Arbela.
Mrs. SuL Pr^y, Sir, what Jiead is thiit j^ tl^e Cpmer.
there?
4jck* O, Madam, 'tis ppor GwV in his £xi}e,
Mrs. 5a7. Whajt was he baniJh'd for ?
Arch* ^^ ambitious Love, Mada^n, ^Bonulpg,^ Hf».
Misforjtune torches me.
Mis. tuU Was he Aiccefsful in his Amours ?
Arch, There ke has left us in th^ dafk-rt — i|c was toos
ipiich a Gentleman to tdl.
AJrs, SfiL If he were fecret^ I pity h{m^
Arch^ And if he were fuccefsfjui, J envy him*
Mrs. SuL How d'ye like that Veou^ over the ^himi^ey ?■
Arch. Venues! I projcft, Madam^ I< took; it. for your.
Pidure ; but now I look again, 'tis not hAndipme enough.
Mrs. 8ul. Oh, wh^i: a Charm is Flattery!*^ If yqa,
would fee my Piflure, tjiere it i$, oyer: that pabinet— .
Sow A^yt like it ?
Afcir. I muft admire any thi^ig. Madam, that ha^ the .
leaft Refemblance of you — But metbinks, Madam,-T>-^.
SHe Ms at ibe Figure and Mrs. Sullen ibrie orf^ur.timeft^^
^j^ turjfj\yPrtiys Mad an), who drew it f- , • •• •
Mrs. S^f, Ah^ions Hand, Sir.
[Here Aimwell a»d Dorind? go ^^
Arcbi A famous Hai^dj Mad^ i^— YourEyes^ indeed,
arc feajur'd therp ; but where's the fpgrkliiwr Moidure, '
^inipg Tliiid, in whicb they fw|m ?. TJiq. ri^Hr«. ^V
' deed,.
iftd, h^$ joar Pioppjes ; bot .whcre'a the Swaim of kil«
)ing Cupids ib^t (bould diBbaib cbere ? The Lips too are
fire figur'd oat: But where's the C.arna ion Dew, the
ppupAg Rk)ea^rs that tempts ^ke T^ in the Original f
win, Suf \Hd. it been my XiOt to h^ve ina:cb*4 ^ich
%h a M41) ! [^#>.
jfrfh, Vppr Brea(l$ too.; prefumptupu^ Man ! whai !-
pairt Heaven! ^fjvpfii. Madam, in the vcjy next Pic-
]t44rf is Salmoneuj^ ^bat was ftruclc dead y^'nh Lightning,
for offering tp im'it^te y»vf]% Thunder; 1 hope ypu fcrv'd
the Painter {q. M^daiQ.
Mrs. Sul, tldd jwy Sycs the Power of Thunder, they
fi]ipuld employ their Ligbtniog bct(er.
Jrch. There's the fineft Bed in that GU>oin| Madam ;
I fappor^i *ti5 ypui {i^y/hip*s Bed-chamber ?
Mrs.'5«/.A«d what then, Sir?
/frchf I tl|iqk the (;^ijt is the richeft that I ever faw—
I can't a^ ;b}s Piftance. S^ad^m^ diflinguiib the Figures
of the Embrddery : Will you eive me leave. Madam ?
Mfs Suf, Th* Devil i^ke his Impud«nce-^Sore, if I
ga^ye bin) ap Opppjtunity, he dorft not o^r i^ — 1 have-
a greaj? J»}nd to try. ^Gsiag. Returns] 'Sdcarh I what
^m I doing? — And alone too ! Sifter, Siller.
Jrfi. ril follow bfif dofq
For 'wh$t«^ A Pffenchraan Jurfi attimpt to/hftn^
A Britooy Jurti ntay <u;ei/ the Work per/orpg,. [Ooifig*
£^terSQf\^h.
Sfrui, Martin. Broker Martiu,
Arch, O, Brother Scrubs I beg your Pardon, I was not
a going : Here's a Guinea my Ma^er orderM you.
Scrub, A Guinea; hi, hi» W« a Guinea! eh— : by
t]ii$ Light it is a GuiQ^a : but I fuppof^ you expe£l one-
and'twenty Shillingrin change.
Arch, Not ^t all ; I have another for Gip/if.
Scrjffi, A Guinea for her! Fire and faggot for the
"Witcb.--— Sijf, give mP that Guinea, and J '11 difcover a
Plot.
Aircb. A Plot?:
ScruB. Ay, Sir, a Plot, ah^rridPlot — -Firft, itmuft
"be a Plot, becaiile there's a Wgm^n in*t : Secondly, it
ia.\ift be a Flot^ b^caufe there's ^ Prieft ia't ; Thkdly, it
ami.
5 6 The Beaux Stratagem.
muft Be a Plof, becaufe there's French Gold in't : And i
Fourthly, it mull be a Plot, becaufe I don't ktipw what
to make on't.
Jnh. Nor anybody elfe, I'm afraid, Biother Scrub;
Scrub. Truly I'm afraid fo too; for where there's a
Pried and a Woman, there's alwa^'s a Myftery and a
Riddle — 1 his, \ know, that here has been the Doctor
with a Temptation in one Hand, and an Abiblution in
the other, and (^ipjey has fold herfelf to the Devil ; I faw
the Price paid down, my Eyes (hall take their Oath on't.
^rch. And is all this Buftle about Gip/ey F
Scrub. That's not all ; I could hear but a Word here
and there; but I remember they mentioned a Count, a
Clofet, a Back-door, and a Key.
Jrcif. The Count ! Did you hear nothing of Mrs." S«/-
lin? ■ • 1
Scrul', I did hear fom^ Word that founded that way;
but whether it was Sullen or Dorinda^ 1 could not difliD-
guifli.
Jrcb. You have told this Matter to Nobody, Brother ?
Scrub: To\di ! No, Sir. I thank you for that; I'ra rc-
folv'd never to fpeak one Word, pro nor con till we have
a t^eace,
jirch. You're i'th* right, Brother Scrub ; here's a
Treaty a^foot between the Count and the Lady. — —The ^
Brieft and the Chamber-maid aie Pknipotentiat ies-r — =— It
fhairgohard, but Til. find a Way'to be included in the
Treaty. Where's the Dodlor, now ?..,..
Scrub, He and Gfpfey are this Moment devoQring^ my
Lady's Marmalade in the Clofet.
jiim, [From 'without.'] Mar tint Martin /
jirch, i come. Sir, I come.
Scrubs But you forget the other Guinea, Brother
Martin.
Arch. Here T give it with all my Hea't.
Scrub. And I take it with a'l my Soul. \T.iceunt fenji*
ralfy.'} I* cod, VW fpoil your plotting, Mrs: GipZ-y ? and
if you (hould fet the Captain upon me, thefe two Guineas <
will buy me ofF. [Exit.
Enter Mrs. Sullen and Dorinda, muting*
Mrs. SuL Well, Sider.
Don And welU SiAer.
Mrs.
Thi, Beaux Stratagem. 57
Mrs. S'uL Whaf s become of my Lord ^
Dcr, What's become of his Servant ?
Mrs. SuL Servant !' He's a prettier Fellow, afld a finer
Gentleman, by fifty Degrees than his Mafler.
Dor. O* my Confcience, 1 fancy you could beg that
Fellow at the Gallows font.
Mrs. SuL O* my Confcience I could', provided I cQtiM
put a Friend of yours in his room.
Dor. You defir'd me, Sifler, to leave you, when you
tranfgrefs'd the Bounds of Honour.
Mrs. Sul. Thou dear cenforious Country Girl — What
doll mean ? You can't think of the Man without the Bed«
lelloiv, I find.
Dor, I don't find any Thing unnatural in that Thought^
while the Mind is converfant wilh Flefh and Blood', it
nuft conform to the Humours of the Company.
Mrs Sttl. How a little Love and Converfarion im-
•prove a Woman ? Why, Child, you begin to live — yon
, never fpoke before.
Dor, Becaufe I was never fpokc to before': My Lord
has told me, that I have more Wit and Beauty than any
of my Sex; 'and truly I begin to think^ the Man is fin-
'cere.
Mrs. Sui. You're in the right, DorMa; Pride is the
Life of 9 Woman, and Flattery is our daily Bread ; and
(he's a Fool that won't believe a Man there, as much as
•Ihe that believes him in any Ting clfe — But Til lay you a
'Guinea that I had finer Things faid to me than you had.
Dor. Done— What did your Fellow fay to ye ?
' Mrs. SuL My Fellow tcok the Pidure of Fenus for
mine.—
Dor, But my Lover took me for Fem/s herfelf
Mrs. SuL Common Cant ! Had my Spark call'd me a
^enus diredlly, I (hould have believM him a Footman in
good Earncft;
Dor. But my Loverwas upon his Knees to me.
Mrs. SuL And mine was upon his Tiptoes to me.
Dor. Mine vow'd to die for me.
Mrs. SuL Mine fwore to die with me.
Dor, Mine fpoke the fofteft moving Things.
Mrs. SuL Ay, ay, mine had his moving Things too.-
Dor*. Mine kifsM my Hand ten thou(knd Times.
Mn#.
^8 Th^ Beam Strmiagim.
Mrs. Sul. MiDC hfis 9\\ ^t Pleafii^ t9 com^.
Z>«r. Mine oiFcr'd Marriage, ' . ^
Mrs. Sul' O Lard ! D*ye call that a moving Thi
Dor, The iharpeft Arrow in his Quiver, my dear i
^r-Why^ my ten thpufa^d Poup^ds may lie bropdin
this feven Years, and, hatch nothing at ]aft but foi
i;kaw'4 CJ^wxj like yourf :*-^— Whereas, if 1 mar
Lord ///wxy^//, there will be Title, Place, and
dence, the Park, the Play, and th« Drawing-room,
dor, Eauipage, Noife, and FJawbeaqa^.-^H^y* my
Jim^fiP.s S^ervanis th<?rc-r-U^hts^ Juighti to the Si
My Lady /f/Vwiv^//'^ Coach, put forward'— ^ Stan
make room for her Ladyfliip Are not (h^ff 1
moving ? What-l mej^ncholy of a fnddca ?
AJfuSuJ, iriappy. happy 9iftwl Your Angel ha
watchful for your Happmm, wbilil ibId^ na3 fl<
gardLfft of hi? Charge— ^Long finiiing Y^ars of c
Joys fpr vp'^i, but npt pne Ho^r for i^e I [
Dor, Come, my Dear, we'll talk of foih^tlung <
Mr$. Sui. O l}orimla, I own myielf % Wgman,
my 5ex, a gentle, generous Soul,— ^wfy and yi
tp foft Deiires, a ^acipn^ Heart, whef^ Love and
Train might lodge : And muft the fair Apartment
Bre^ bp made a Suble for a Brut^ to He in ?
Dor. Meaning your Hulband, 1 fuppofe ?
Mrs. Sul, Hn/band I No^^.-r^Evcn tiuflwmd i» t
a N^me for him,— ^Biitcom?> I e^pe^ my Brotlsui
Tot night or To-morrow ; be wfu abroad wh^n my
married me; perhaps K^'l) find a Way to make m
Dqv, Will ypn promffe not tQ make ypurfelf (
the mean time with my Lord's Friend ?
Mrs. ^W. You miftake me^ Sift«r-^It happens v
as amoog the Men, the greateft Talkers are the |
Cowards : and there's a llieafon for it | thofe Spin
porate in Prattle, which might do more Mifchief
took another Courfe— -*-^-^Tho*, tg confeis the Ti
do love thfit Fellow ;»«— «rp-*«An4 if I met bim drel
fhould be, and I undreft 44 I ibovld be^^Look'e^
I have no fupernatnral Ciftj )■ ■ >■ .1 can't fwe*r ]
refift the TemptatioP|-^-^though I can iafdly proj
ayoid.ii I itiid that's ai mn^ iu U^ b«ft ^f U9 can
Tie BeAU)c Stratagem. S9
Ei/Ur ^Aimwtli and Archer laughing.
Arch, And the awkward Kindnefs of \£s, goixl motherly
old Gentlewoipan ■
Aim, And the coming EaAnefs of the young one;--^»
'Sdeath, 'tis pity to deceive her.
Arch, Nay, if you adhere to thofe PrincipIeSf (lop
where you are.
Jim, I can't llop ; for I love her to Diftrafiion.
Arch. 'Sdeath, if you love bcr a Hair's breadth beyond
Difcretion, you muft go no farther.
Aim, Well, well, any thing to deliver us from faun-
tering away our idle Evenings at IVhiteh, Tom'^s^ or WilP%t
and be ilinted to bare looking ac our old Acquaintance,
ihe Ci^rds, becaufe our impotent Pockets can't afford us
1 Guinea for the mercenary Drabs.
Arch. Or be obliged to feme Purfe- proud Coxcomb
for a fcandalous Bottle^ where we muft no( pretend to
3ur flare of ihe Difcourfe, becaufe we can't pay our
l^lub o'tb' Reckoning : IJ^mn it, I had rather fouiigc
upon Marris, and fup upoa a Diih of Bohea fcoo-^d bo-
tiipi) the Poor.
Aim And there cxpofe our want of Sfttfe by tali^ii^
>4^fn9$, as wpi^\4d pur waiK of JMo»ey by raAif^g
It the Goi^nmei^.
jfrch. Or t>e<>bli^'d to fnoak mtpi^ ^ide-box* sasA
between both Houfes fteal two Adts of ^ Piay; :i»d b^
:#afe we haVt MQoey 19 ifee ^he rOtber thre^^ w.e<3Gme
w^y difeofliitfint^dj skui 4any? tbe wholp iky^.
Aim And ten thoufand fuch rafcally Tricks— had w^
>ut-tiv'^ 0(>r FortMBM among our Acquaintance. Sut
lOW— — •
Arch. Ay, now Ib the time tp prevent all this — Strike
vhile the Iron is hot — This Prieft is the luckieft part of
»ur Adventure; he ihall marry you, and pimp for me.
Aim, But I fhould not like a Woman that ca<i be fo
bnd of a Frenchman.
Arch, Alas, Sir, Ncceffity has no Law ; thiC Lady may
)e in Diilrefs ; perhaps fhe has a confounded Hufband,
Mid her Revenge qiay carry her farther than her Love.— •
^gad, I have fo good ^ Opinipn of her, and of Qiyiel^
hat I begin ^o fa^cy (Irange Things 1 and we aau^ Cay
his for the Honour of our Women, and indeed of oar-
fclves.
€o The Beaux Stratagem.
felves, that" they do Hick to their Men, as they do
their Magna Charta, If the Plot lies as I fufpeft
muft put on the Gentleman — But here comes the Dofloi
1 fliall be ready, [^Exk
Enter Foigard,
Foig Saave yoo, noble Friend.
Aim. O Sir, your Servant : Pray, Do6lor, may I era
your Name ? ,
Foig Fat Naam is upon me ? My Naam is Foigar
Joy
j^im Foigard! A very good Name for a Clergymaj
Fray, Dodor Eoigard, were you ever in Iretand ^
Foig. Ireland f No, Joy ; — Fat fort of a Plaace is d
faam Ireland ? J^ty fay de People are catcb'd dere wh(
dey are young,
Mm. And ibme of 'em here when they are old ; —
as for Example — [ ^akes Foigard hy the Shoulder'] Sir,
arreft you as a Traitor againlt the Government j you're
Subjedl of England, and this Morning (hew'd me a Cot
million by which you fcrv'd as Chaplain in the Fnn
Army : This is Death by our Law> and your Reveren
jnud hang for't,
F»fg Upon my Shoul, noble Friend, iiis is ftran]
News you tell me. Fader Foigard a Subjefl of Englawa
dc Son of 2i Burgo-majter of BruJJfeh a Subjedl of EHg'am
Ubooboo
Aim. The Son of a Bog-trotter in Ireland i Sir, yo
Tongue will condemn you before any Bench in the Kin
dom.
Foig, And is my Tongue all your Evidenfh, Joy ?
Aim. Thai's enough.
Foig, No, no, Joy, for I will never fpake Engi'fi \
more.
Aim, Sir, T have other Evidence— Here, Martin, y<
know this Fellow.
Erttcr Archer.
Artb. [In a Brogue"] Saave you my dear Cuflcn, he
does your Health ?
Foig, Ah! Upon my Shoul dere is my Countryma
and his Br gue will hang mine, [^fide.] Mynbere^ 1
ijuet neat waft bey zacht^ Ick Univerjhn ewi ntatt /acr>
went.
Ai
Tbe Beaux Siraiagem. ^ 61
• Aim* Alrefing your Language won't do, Sir» this Fel-
low kaows your Perron, and will fwear to your Pace.
pBig, Faalh ! Fty, is dere Brogue upon my Faafb too ?
Arcb. Upon my Soolvation dere ilh Joy -———But,
Cuiien Mactjbam^ vil you not put a Remecnbrance upon
me ?
Foig, Machjhane ! By St. Patriik^ dat is my Naame
fhure enough. \^.'ffidt.
Aim, I fancy Arch&r you have it.
Foig. The Devil hang you, Joy. — By fat Acquaintance
are you my Cuflcn ?
Arch, O, de Devil hang yourlhelf, joy ; you know
we were little Boys togeJer upon de School, and your
Foder- moderns Son was married upon my Nurfe'ft Chiller,
Joy, and fo we are Irijh Catlens.
Faig De Devil Uakc de Relation ! Vel, Joy, and fat
School was it ?
Jrch^ I think it vas — Aay — 'twas Tlfperaty*
F»ig* Now, upon my Shoul, Joy, it was AiliiitMj*
Aim, That's enough for us Self-confeffion ■
Gome, Sir, we mult deliver you into the Hands of the
aext Magillrate.
Areh. He fends you to Giol, youVe tried next Affixes,
and away you go fwin^ into Purgatory.
Foig. And is it fo wid you, Cuflen }
Arch. It will be fho wid you, Cuiien, if you don't im-
mediately confefs the Secret between you and Mrs. Gi/^
. '>5y— Look'e, Sir, the Gallows or the Secret, take your
Choice.
• Fo/'g. The G^lows ! Upon my Shoul I hate that fliame
Gallows, for it 13 a Difeaih dat is fatal to our, f Mttily* —
• Vel, den, ihcre is nothing, Shenilemens, but ^
left would fp^ak wid the Count in her Chambo^^
M Bight, and dere is no harm,. Joy, for I
the Count to the Plafli myfelf.
Arch. As I giicfs'd. Have you comm|
If Matter to the Count?'
Foig. I have not fhecn him fincc..
n Arch, Right agen ; why then, Doflorf
V. duft me to the Lady in (lead of the Cour
J Foig. Fat my CufTen to the Lady I
gra, dat's too much upon the Brogue*.
62 The Beaux Stratag^m^
Arch^ Come, come, Dodlor ? confider we have got a
Rope about our Neck, and if you ofFer to fqueak, well
Hop yoar Wind-pipe, moll certainly ; we (hall hare an-
other Job ^r you in a Day or two, I hope.
Aim, Here*fi Company coming this Way, }et*6 Into fliy
Chamber, and there concert our Affairs farther.
Arch. Come, my d^ar Cuflen, x:ome along. lExtMnt.
Fot^, Arra the Devil taake our Belafhioa.
jE»ur Boniface, Hounflowt aW 6ag0iot 4/ o/u Dpor$
Gibbet ai the oppoJtte»
Gih, Well, Gentlemen, 'tis a fine Night for our Enter-
prize.
Hottnf, Dark as Hell.
Bag, And Blows like the Devil ; our Landlord, here,
lias A^wM us the Window wbe?e we m«ift break in, and
tells us the Plate Hands in the Wainfcot Cupboard m
the Parlowi .
B^n Ay, ay, Mr. Bag^het^ 9i% the Saying 15, Knnxa
«tid Forks, Cufs and Cans, Tmnbl^s «nd fankarda^—
There's one Tankard, a^ thcSaymg is, that'i iwar apoA
as big as me ; it was a Prefent to the ^ftHre from hk
^^o^mother and (bells of Natmeg ,and Toaft, like an
Eafi'India Ship,
Uounf, Then yon fay we mufl divide at thc^t air- head.
Bon, Yes, Mr. ihtenflo^, .as the ^yiflg is— At one
"Rnd of the Gallery lie« my Lady Bountiful and her
Daughter, aiKl at the other, Mrs. Su,Un-^—K% for the
*Squire
Gib. He's fafe enough, I hav« faiily enter*d him, and
ke*8 more than half Seas over already — But fuch a Parcel
of Scoundrels are got about him there, that, i-gad, I
was aOiam'd to be k:en in their Company.
Bqh, *Tis now Twelve, as the Saying is—- Gentlemen, .
you mull fet out at One.
Gih, Hounjhw, do you and Bagfiot fee our Arms fix'd,
and I'll come to you prefently.
Hounf. and Bag, We will. [ Fxeuni.
Gib, Well, my dear Bomy, you aflurc me that Scrub U
a Coward.
J5*ff, A Chicken, as theSaying is— — Yon'll have no
Creature to deal with but the Ladies,
GH.
The Beaux SJra/agem. 6 j
Gii. And I can afTure you» Friend, there's a great deal
'^f Addrefs and good Manners in robbing a Lady; I am
the moft a Gentleman that Way that ever travelled the
^oad— 'But, my dear Bonny, this Prize will be a Galleon,
a ^i^tf Buijnefs^I warrant you we (hall bring off three Qt
four thouland Pounds.
_ B9M^ la Plate, Jewels, and Money, as the Saying is,
you may. .
Gib. Why then, Tyhtirn, I defy thee ; I'll get up to
Town, fell off my Hor(e and Arms, huy myfelf feme
Eretty Employment in the Law, and be as fnug and as'
oneft as e'er a long Gown of 'em all.
B^n, And what think you then o/my Daughter Cktrry
IforaWife? .
Gib, Look'e, my dear Bonny — Cherry is the GoJde/s I
adore^ as the Song goes ; but k is a Majcim, that Man and
Wifeihould never have it in their Power to hang one an-
other ; for if they (hould, the Lord have Mexcy upon
*«m both. lExtuttf,
Ue End of the Fourth ACT.
A C T V.
Enter Mrs, Sullen and Dorlnda.
SCENE continues. Knocking without.
Enter Boniface.
Bon. /^Oming, coming-' A Coach and fix foaming
V> Horfes at this time o' Night! Some great Man,
as the baying is, for he fcorns to travel with other Peo--
pie.
Enter Sir Charles Freeman.
Sif Ch. What, Fellow ! A Public-houfc, and a-bed
^h«n other People flcep ?
Bon. Sir, I an't a-bed, as the Saying is*
Str Ch. I fee that, a« dke Saying is 1 U Mr. Sullen" %
fasiify^edi think'e?
« 2 Bon*
64 ^ifs Beaux Slratagem.
Bon. All but the 'Squire himfelf. Sir, as the Saying ifj
he's in the Houle.
Sir Ch What Company has he ?
B(.n, Why, Sir, there's the Conllable, Mr. Gagt the
Excilemar^, the hunch- back'd Barber, and two or three
othtr Gtnilenien.
Sir Ch. I find roy Sifter's Letters gave me the true Pic-
ture of her Spoufe.
' Enter Sullen drunk.
Bon, Sir, here's the 'Squire.
SuL The Puppies left me afleep — Sir.
Sir Ch. Well Sir.
SuL Sir, I am an unfortunate Man— I have three thoo-
fand Pound a- Year, and I can't get a Man to drink a Cop
of Ale with me.
SirCh. That's very hard.
Sul. Ay, Sir — And unlefs you have piry upon me, and
fmoke one Pipe with me, I muft e'en go home torn/
Wife, and I had rather go to the Devi! by half.
^\xCb. But I prefume. Sir, you won't fee your Wife
to-night, fhe'll be gone ta bed — you don't ufe to lie with
your Wife in that Pickle ?
. Sul. What! not lie with my Wife ! Why, Sir, do you
take me for an Atheill, or a Rake ?
Sir Ch, If you hate her. Sir, I think you had better
lie from her.
S'uL I think fo too. Friend But I am a Juflice of
Peace, and muft do nothing againft the Law.
Sir Ch. Law ! As I take it, Mr. Juttice, Nobody ob-
ferves Law for Law's fake, only for the good of thofe for
whom it was made,
SuL But if the Law orders me to fend you to Gaol,.
you muft lie there, my Friend.
Sir Ch Not unlefs I commit a Crime to deferve it,
Sui. A Crime 1 Oons, a'n't I married ?
Sir Ch. Nay, Sir, if you call Marriage a Crime, you
muft difown it for a Law.
SuL Eh ! 1 muft be acquainted with you, Sir— —
But, Sir, I fliould be very glad to know the Truth ^f
this Matter.
Sir Ch. Truth, Sir, h a profound Sea, and few there
be that dare wade deep enough to find oat the Bottom
on't.
Tie Beaux Stratagem. 65
tui't. Beficles, Sir, Tin afraid the Line of your Under-
fianding roayn*t be long enough.
Smt. Look'e, Sir, 1 have nothing to fay to your Sea of
Truth— — but if a good Parcel of Land can entitle a
Man to a litde Truth, 1 h^ve as much as any He in the
County.
Bon. I never heard your Worfhip, as the Saying is,
talk fo much before.
Sui. fiecaufe 1 never met with a Man chat I lik*d be-
fore.
Baift. Pray, Sir, as the Saying is, let me aflc you one
Qaeilion : Are not Man and Wife one Flefh ?
Sir C.h. You and your Wife, Mr. Guts, may be one
Pleih, becaufe you are nothing elfe Bat rational Cfea»
tores h^ve Minds that muil be united.
Sul. Minds!
Sir. Of. Ay, Minds, Sir ; don't you think that the
Mind takes place of the Body ?
Su/, In fome People.
Sir Cb, Then the Intereft of the Maftcr mud be con-
falted before that of his Servant.
SuL Ciir, you (hall dine with me To-morrow — Oons, I
always thought that we were naturally one.
Sir Cb, Sir, I know that my two Hands are naturally
one, bscaufe they love one another, kifs one another,
help.one another in all the Adions of Life i but 1 could
not fay fo much if they were always at Cuffs.
. SuL Then 'tis plain that we are two.
Sir Cb, Why don't you part with her. Sir ?
Sul. Will you take her, Sir ?
S'lrCb. Withal! my Heart.
^ul. You Ihall have her To- morrow Morning, and a
Vcnifon pafty into the Bargain.
SirCi. YouMl let me have her Fortune too ?
Su/. Fortune I why, Sir, I havtf no Quarrel with her For-
tune— —I only hate the Woman, ^ir, and none but the
Woman fhall go .v '
_ Sir Cb. But her Fortune, Sir — -
-r Sui. Can you play at Whilk; Sir ?
" Sir Cb. No, truly. Sir,
5«/. Nor at All-fours? •
Sir Cb. Neither.
r Su/.
'or
3l,
HI
/
66 ^t Beaux Stratagem.
Su/. Oons! where was this Man bred> i^J^^^I
me Sir, I can't go home, 'Tis^but two. o'Clock.
SirC)&. For Ha'f an Hour, ^ii^ if you pleafe
you mull conficfcr 'lis late.
Sui. Latei that's the Reafon I can*t go to Bed —
Come, bir— — J^Ex
Xfitir Cherry, runs acrafs the Stage , and inocksi at i
weir J Chambar i9(tr. Eni9r ciimw^Uf in bis Nigh
and Goivn
• Aim. What^s the Matter ? Yon tremble Child, y<
frighrtd !
' Cher, No wonder, Sir ^^But i» (hort. Sir, this
Mihiite a Gang of Rogues are gone ta rob my
Bountiful' % Houle.
Jim. How !
Cher, \ dogg'd Hm to the i^ry Door, and left
breaking in.
Jim, Have you alarm'd any Body elfe with the N
- Ch&, No, no, Sir, I wanted to have di(cover'<
whole Plot, and twenty other Things, to your
Martin ; but I have featrch'd the whole Houie, and
find him ; where is he ?
" Aim. No matter. Child ; will you guide me imi
ately to the Houfe?
Cher, With all my Heart, Sir; my Lady Bountij
my Godmother, and I love Mrs. Dorinda {o well —
Aim, Dorinda ! The Name infpires me, the Glor
the Danger (hall be all my own— —Come, m^^ Lifl
me but get my Sword. [£":
SCENE changes to the Bed-chtmhtr in Lae^ Bouni
Houfi.
> Ent^ Mrs. Sullen, and Dorinda, unJre/s'di a Tab
Lights.
Dor, 'Tis very late. Sifter, no News of your S
yet ?
Mrs. SuL No, I'm coodeinnM to be alone till toi
Pour, and then perhaps I may be execated with his
pany.
The Btaux Stratugtm: 67
t>^r. Well, mjr Dear, 1*11 leave you to your Rellj
you'li go dire^ly to Bed, I fuppofe.
' Mrs. Suh I don't know what to do ; hey-ho !
Dor. That's a defi ring Sigh, Sifter.
« MfS' -SuL This is a languifhing Hour, Sifter.
Dor, And might prove a critical Minute if the pretty
Fdiow were here.
"Mn^SuL Here? what in my Bed-chamber, at two
o'clock i'th'-Moming, I undrefs'd, the Family afleep, my
hated huft>and abroad, and my lovely fellow at my Feet
■ « ■■ O gird, Siller.
' D-r. Thoughts are free, Sifter, and them I allow > on
•i — So, my Dear, good Night. [Exit,
', Mrs. Su/. A good Reft lo my dear />(?r/Wrt— Thoughts
fr9ef\ arc they 10? Why then fuppofe him here, drels'd
lik« a youthful, gay, and burn ng Bridegroom, [tiere
Archer fiea^s out of the C/o/et] with Tongue enchanting.
Byes bewitching, Knees imploring. [Tur?is a little on ontt
fide^ ahJ /ees Arche<^ in the Pojiure Jhe de/cribes.'] Ah?*
\^>hrieks, and runs to the other fide of the Staged Have my
Thoughts rais'd a Spirit? What are you. Sir, a Man
. or a Devil ?
■ y^rck A Man, a Man, Madam. .[^ifftg,
Mrs. SuL How ftialt I be fure of it ? ^ ^
Jrch, Midam, Til give you Demonftration this Minote.
" [Tahs her Hand.
Mrs. Sui, What, Sir f do yoa intend to be rude ?
Jrch. Yes, Madam, if you pleaic.
Mrs. Sul. In the Name of Wonder, whence came ye ?
j^rch. From the Skies, Madam^I'm a Jupittr in Love,
and you (hall be my Alcmena.
Mrs. Sul. How came you in ?
Arcb I flew in at the Window, Madam ; your Coufin
Cupid leat roe his Wings, and your Sifter Fenus has opened
the Cafement.
Mrs. Sul. I'm ftruck dumb with Admiration.
■ Arcb. And I with .Wonder. [Looks pajflonately at her*
MtSi Sul,. What will become of me ?
Arch. How beautiful (he looks I the teeming jolly
Sprin|; fmiles in her blooming Face, and when (he was
•conceivM, her Mother fmelt to Rofes> lookM on Lillies —
Vol. II, • O liilit-
68 ^'he B^aux Straiagnn^
Lilliii unfoJd their IVbitCj their fragraui^ CbHtms^
When the 'warm Sun thui darts into their Arms*
XJRmta to her.
Urs.SuL Ah! [Shrieh.]
Arch. Oons> Madam, what do you mean ? You*ll raife
the Houfe.
Mrs. 5tt/. Sir, Til wake the Dead before I bear thxt—
What ! Approach me with the Freedoms of 41 Keeper!—
Pro glad on't, your Impudence has cur'd me.
Arcb^ If this be Impudence, [Knee/s] I leave to yoor*
partial felf ; no panting Pilgrim, after a tediou^, painfol
Voyage, e'er bow'd before hig Saint with more I>evotioB* '
Mrs. Sul» Now, now, I'm ruin'd if he kneels. [AJideJ]
Rife thou profirate Engineer, not all th^ undermmiiig
Skill (faall reach my Heart. Riiei and kaow-I am»a. Wa#*
man without my Sex ; I can love to all the Tendefneft
of Wilhes. Sighs, and Tears — But go no ^farther— Still
to convince you that Vm zi^ore-^than V/otnahy I can ipMc
my Frailty, coofefs niy Wcakuefs even for you^^But-;-^
Arch, box me \ '[Qshgto^hyhoU^ikr*.
Mrs. Sul Hold, Sir, build not Upon thai— *-^for rojr.
mod mortal haired follows, if you difobcy ^wliarlcoDi-^-
mand you now— leave iiiethis Minute— -—*■ If he denies,
I'm loiL :• . '-> ^ .. > \/-.ij .: . ;* [id^&,
Arcb, Then you'll promife— •..»..■
Mrs Sa/, Any thing' another time, ' " ac '.
y/r<3&. When Ihall I come ^ ■ ' ."' i '.'
Mrs, SuL To-morrow, when you u»jI]. >. .;:. >.'
Arch, Vour Lips rauft feal the Promife.
Mrs. 5«/. Pfhaw ? . •• ' -.^ :/< • ' -^^. .• ^..••..
Arch. They mull, they muft^ IfCifls .herJ] "-Raft^i
and Paradife^! And why not now, niy An^^: ^fiie k^iaic,
the Place, Silence and Secrecy; 'all co<frp&r6-^^'Aiidvdie
now confcioua Stare .have 'pte-<irdain'd this Moment lor
my Happinefs. . S • \T'uk$s hm id kis^Armut*
Mrs. SuL You will not, cannot, lure. .. -^.^.l . ;.
Arch. If the Sun rides fall, ' and di/appoibts^iot'Mor*
tals of To-morrow's Dawn, thifr Niglit 41iaU >crowv^'^y
joys. . • .- .-.'t;.- j\j\ .;a :.■*-,'./. ..-. -:• . » .■ f
Mrs. 5i//. My 5«^V^d«:ain(t*iei '> ;;vV -a^S . isfij^
Arch My Sex'j Sttrengihi-'heild'ri^lLvf ic:"i •: :'wC v^iOir
Ut:. Sui\ Vou Ihall kill OMi^iitiL
Arch.
Tie Beaux Stratagem. 69
jthrcb. I!U^ie wkh you. [Carrying her 9ff% '
Mrs. 5ii/.- Thieves, Thieves, Murder
. * , E-nttri Scrub in his Breeches j and one Shoe.
Scrub, Thieves, Thieves, Murder, Popery !
M/rTi&rUaJ the very timorous Stag will Kill in Ruttinfir.
time. [Draivs and offers to ft ah Scrub.
^€fmi.\^neeling.'\ O pray, Sir, (pare all I have, and
take s>]|dbife«
Mrs. Sul [Holding ArcherV Hand.^ What does the
Fcttsfvoneatti
iSkimh ,0> Madam, down upon your Knees, yoor
Maaeaw»-b^oe6-^— he's one of them.
[iA«]&. Of whom?
^arut* One of the Rogues— I beg your Pardon, one «f
the'lioceft Gentlemen that juft now are broke into the
Khiiie»
M/v-t. How!
,>JMrs. Sul, 1 hope ^ou did not come to rob me ?
jircb. Indeed i did, Madame but I wou'd have taken
nothing but what you might very well ha* fpar'd ; but
year crying Thieves, has wak*d this dreaming Fool, and
fo he takes 'em for granted.
Scruh. Granted I 'tis granted, Sir; take all we have.
Mrs. Suf. The Fellow looks as if lie were broke out
ci Bedlam.
Scrub, Oons, Madam, they're broke into the Hoofe
with Fire and Sword $ I faw them, heard them, they'll
be here this Minute*
Jrcb. What, Thieves !
^rr«^. Under Favour, Sir, I think fo*
Mn. Suln What (hall we do. Sir ?
^ri^.-Madaqa, I wi(h your Lady(hip-a good Night,
lAn^Sul, Will you leav^ me ?
ijrekk. Leave you ! Lord» Madam, ^id net yon com*
mand me to be gone juft now, upon pain of your immor-
tal Hatred.
Mxs.Sul. Nay, but pray. Sir— [Taiejiboldo/him,
dtrthf :Ha> ha, h9» now comes my turn to be ravifh'd
You fee now. Madam, you muft ofe Men one way o»
other; but uke this l>y the way, ^ood Madam, that
aone but a Fool wilkgive you the Benefit of his Courage,
Ox ^m
^o 7$i Beaux Stratagem.
.nnlefs you'll take his Love along with it-r— How are they
arm'd. Friend?
Scruh. With Sword and Piftol, Sir.
^ jfrcJIf, Hufh ! — I fee a dark Lanthorn coming, tbro* the
(Gallery — Madam, be afliir^d I will protedt yo^, or lofe
'ffliy Life.
Mrs SmL Your Life ! no. Sir, they can rob me of No-
thing that 1 value half fo much^ thenefore now^ Sir, let
me ihtreat you to be gone.
jfrcJIf, No, Madam, Til confult my own Safety, for
the Sake of yours ; TU work by Stratagem : Have yon
sCourage enough to ftand the Appearance of 'em.
Mrs. Su/* Yes, yes, fince 1 have 'fcap'd your Hands^
I'Can face any thing.
Jrch, Come hither, Btother Strut ; don^t you know
xnfi f
Scrub, Eh I my dear Brother, let me kifs thee.
l&J/es Archer.
. jfrch. This way — Here-
[Archer and Scr«b J^ide bthind tbi BitL
Enter Gibbet, voiith a dark Lanthorn in one Hand^ etnd
a Piftol in t'other.
Gib. Ay, ay, this is the Chamber, and the Lady alone.
Mrs. SuL Who a^e you. Sir i W^at wou'd you have ?
3>'yc tome to rob me ?
GUu Rob you ( alack-a-day, Madam, I'm only a
younger Brother^ Madam.; and fo, Madam, if you make
A Noife, 1 11 (hoot you through the Head J But don't be
iifraid. Madam, [^Layimg his Lanthorn and Tifiol upon tha
^a^e"] Ihefe Rings, Madam; don't be concerned, Ma-
ddam ; I have a profound Refpedi for you. Madam, your
Keys, Ma Jam ; don't be frighted, Madam, I'm the
mA\ of a Gentleman; [Searching her PockeiiJ] This
Necklace, Madam ; I never was rude <tj any Lady ! I
1' ve a V eneration— for this Necklace — — f Ar# Archer
'.{•■jing c::me rounds and fdvCd the Piftol^ /n!^/ Gibbet i^
', ..>./•, ir ps up his Hitts, 4uui clufs the Pijiol to his
\\M prophane Villain, and take the Reward
.; /.mV, i^ir, don't kill me i I an't prepared.
2 Jrch.
The Seaupc Stratagem. f%
Arch\ How many is there of 'em, ^cruh f
Strmh\ Five-^and-fortv^ Sir.
Arcb. Then I mull kill the Villain, to have him out
ef the way.
^Ih. Hold f hold ! Sir ; we are but three, upon my
Honour.
Jircb, Seruh^ will you undertake to fecure htm \
Scrub. Not I, Sir ; kill him, kill him.
Arch. Run to Gip/ej^s Chamber, there you'll find the
JDodor ; bring him iucher prefently.
\^Exit Scrub, running.
Gome, Rogue, if you have a ihort Prayer, fay it.
Gib. Sir, I have no Prayer at all ; the Government?
kas provided a Chaplain to fay Prayers for ns on thefe
Ocoaiionst
Mrs, SuL Pray, Sir, don't kill him i-—- You frighc
me as much as him.
Arcb. The Dog fhall die. Madam, for being the Oc«
cafion of my Difappointmentf—- — Sirrah, this Mometttia^
your lafi:*
Gib. Sir, I'll give you Two hundred Founds to Ipar^
say Life.
Arcb, Have you no more, Rafcal ?
Gib. Yes, Sir, I can command Four hundred ; but I
ttuft relerve two of 'em to fave my Life at the Seifions.
Enttr Scrub and Foigard.
Ar<b. Here, Dodor: I fuppofe Scrub and you, be-
tween you, may manage him, — Lay hold of him.
[Foigard lays hold of G ibbpt.
Gib. What I tum*d over to the Prieft already— I—
JLook'e, Dodor, you come before your time ; 1 a'n't
condemned yet, I thank ye,
Foig^ Come, my dear Joy, I vil fecure your Body and
your Shoul too; I will make you a good Catholic, and
give you an Abfolution.
Gib, Abfolution ! Can you procure me a Pardon,
Doaor ?
Foig, No, joy
Git. Then you and your Abfolution may gp to the
I>fivil.
Arcb. Convey him into the Cellar, there bind him.:—
Take the Pifto],aad if he offers to refill, Ih^ot him thjo'
tha
«•
ji2 The Seatti^' Sfratagem.
the Heady aad come biack to as with all the Speed youcto*
Seruk Ay, ay; come, Doflor/ do ^ou hold him hJk,
and I'll guard him. - ;
Mrs. SuL But how came the Do^or ?
JHJ^. In (hort. Madam— ^*— — [Shrieking without,'}
'Sdeach ! the Rogues are at work' with the other Ladies :
— i;m vex'd I parted with the Pillol ; *but 1 niuft fly ta
their AffiAance — Will you ftay here. Madam, or venture
yoorftlfwith me?
Mrs, SuL Oh, with yon, dear Sir, With yoa.
' ' " [TaAes him by the Arm^ and Exeunt.
SCENE changes ^0 a»oiher Ap^ttment in the fi{me Houfe.
Emer Hounflow dragging in Lady. Bountifal, «ffi/\Bag(hot
''^ hauling /> Dbrihda j| the Rogues with S words dranum.
; Bqs{n» Cbm^ dcrtfte, your Jewels, Millrefs.
,, ; ^4^.; Xour Keys^'yburJfCeys, old Gentlewoman.
. i*/ Enter Aitewctl and Cherry; ' "
^r«J'i^urn'this*\6ay,'yill^ms ; I durft Engage an Army
ijiji; fucli^aCadre: ; ' ' [He e^gdges *em Both.
'•X>Qrr'''cytV^dLAim. hatfi buta SvVordtb help the brave
MahT'^ ■■•■•" • ''■ -■^' - ■•■ ■■ __ • , ^ •--
L.Boun, There^s three or four hahgiWg dp in the
Halli but they Wflii'tdraw>^^FU-ga;f etch one however.
■ ■' ' ; •=■■ •■"■ -"■■ '- - ' -^ '■ ^ ■■ ■■■ -v T :^^^f^
Entii^ Arc^ittand Mfs. Sullen.
Arch. Hold, hold, my Lord ; every Man his Bird,
pray. [Tbfy engage Man to Man ; tSk Rogues are thro^Kn
do^vn and dijarm*d:
Cher. What ! thie Rogues taken ! then they'll impeach
my Father ! 1 muft give him timely Notice; /[/?»« ottt.
Arch. Shall we kill the Rogues.^
Arch, No, rio; well bind them.
Arch, Ay, ay ; here, Madam, lend me- your Garter.
\To Mrs. Sullen, who ftands by him.
Mrs. SuL The DeviPs in this Fellow ; he fights, loves^,
and banters all in a Breath : Here's a Cora that the
Rogues brought with 'em, I fuppofe.
Arch, Right, right, the Rogue's Deftiny, a Rope to
hang himfelf-j— Come, my.Lord,*-r-<bi^ ** ^"* a fcan-
dalous fort of an Office, [Binding Hhe RogniitopttherJ] if
our Adventures ''ftonld'end iilthb fort* of flkitgtoAn-
> jyork )
Tie Beaux Stratagem. 7 j
W6rk; But r hope there is fomething in profpefl thaj—
[Ehtir Scrub.] Well, Scrub, have you fecurd yo\irTarfdr ?
icruh. Yes, Sir» I left the Prieil and him difputing
about Religion.
Jim. And pray carry thefe Gentlemen to reap the Be-
nefit of the Controverfy, \J)eUvers the Prifintrs to Scrub,
fwbo k&di 'tm out,
Mrs. Sal, i'ray, Siuer, how came my Lord here /
Dor, And pray, how came the Gentleman here?.
Mrs, tul. rjl tell you the greateft piece of Villainy—
\1 hiy talk in dumb She^.
Jim. I fancy, Arthtr, you have been more fuccefsfol
it your Adventbres than the Houfe-breakers,
Jr^b. No matter for my Adventure, yours is the prin«
cipal.— Prefs her this Minute to marry you^ — now vylii'e
(he's hurried between the Palpitation of her Fear, and
the Joy of her Deliverance, now while the Tide of htr
^ Spirits are at'Hlgh-flbod ; thirow yourfcif at her Feet,
ipeak fome romantic Nonfenfe or others ^a4drera her,
'lik» 'Jlexkndir^ in the height of his Viftory, confound
her Senfes, bear down her Keaibn, and away with hert
—The Pried is now in the Cellar, and dare not refufe
to do the Work;^ . , ^
J?ff/^r £tf^ Bountiful.
jtimi But 'hxro^ ftiall t get off'mthout being obfcrvM ?
Jrcb. You a Lover! sgid not £nd.a waytogeroff—
Let me fee. ^ . " • , ■ ^
Jim. YoM^^tdLJrehir.
Jrcb. 'Sdcath, i*m g'ad on't ; this Wound will do the
Bufineis — ^ Til amufe the old Lady and Mrs, Sullen about
dreffing my Wound, while you carry off Dorinda.
L. Boun, Gentlemen, cou'd we underftand how yoa
wou'd be gratified for the Services-——
Jrcb, Come, come, my Lady, this is no time for Com-
pliments ; I'm. wounded. Madam.
L.-Boun, and Mrs. SuL How I wounded I
Dar. I hope, Sir, you have received no hurt ?
Jim, None but what you may cure
. . ^ . , [Mabes Le*ve in dumb Shew.
L. Boun. LjCt me fee your Arm, Sir — -1 moft have fome
Pa^der^fugar to flop the Bl^d •— «-* O mci an ugly Gafh
upon my wbrd^ Sir, yon muft gointo Bedi
O4 Arcb.
74 31^ B^aux Stratagem.
Jub. Ay, my Lady, a Bed wou'd do very well
Madaflit [loMtj. Sullen] will' you do me the Favour to
conduct me to a Chamber?
L. Sornn. Do, do, Daughter,— —while t get the Lint,
and the Probe, and Plaifter ready.
IRutts cui one way, Aim well carries off" Dorinda another.
Arch. Come, Madam, why don't you obey your Mo-
ther's Commands ?
Mrs. ^uL How can you, after what is paft, haye the
confidence to afk me? . .
Arch, And if you eci to that, how can you/ after what
is paft, have the Confidence tp denv me ?-— ^ Was not this
Blood fhed in your Defence, and my Life expos'd for
. your prote£lion ?— Look'e,A Madam, Tm none of your
. TOfl^antic fools, that fight Giants and Mongers for No-
ting ; my Valour |s aownright ^<u;(/} ; I, am a Soldier
. of I^rtune, and mvft be paid.
Mra.^f/. ^is ungenerous in ybui Sif, to upbraid at
witi your Services. ^ ; .
^ch,, n^is .ungenerous in you. Madam,* juot to re*
waird 'em.
Mrs. ZiiL How ! at the Bxpence of my Honour.
Arch. Honour! Can Honour cdnfift with 'Ingratitude ?
if yon would deal like a Woman of Honour, do like a
Man of Honflyor : .P'y« itiink I wouI4 deny yeu in fuch
aCafe? ; ■
Euter a Str*uant,
Ser. Madam, my Lady ordered me to tell you, that
your Brother is below at the Gate.
Mrs Sul. My Brotoer ! Heavens be prais*d — Sir, he
ihall thank vou for your Services ; he has. it in his Power,
Arch. Who is your Brother, Madam ?
Mrs. Sul. Sir Ch. Freeman! You'll cxcofe me. Sir;
I muil go and receive him«
Arch. Sir Charles Freeman i *Sdeathand Hell! My
old Acquaintance. Now, unlefs Am^meli has made good
ufe of Ills Time, all.our fair Machine goes fouze into the
Sea, like an £^//?0irf . [Exit*
SCENE changes to the Gallery in the fame Houfe.
Enter Aimwell and Dpri^ida;
Dcr. Wefl, vyeUi my Loid» }ou I^avs conquefV;
youp
Tbi Seitux Sirafagm. ^3
^ur Itle generous Adb'on will. I hope, plead for my
eafy yielding; tho' I muft own, your Lord(hip hM ft
Friend in the Fort before •
Jim, The Sweets of Hyi/a dwell upon her .Tongue—
Here, Do^or *■
Enter Foiffard tviti^ m B9ck,
/c/^. Are you prepared boat?
DoK Fm ready: But firft, my Lord, one-Word— — I'
have a frightful Example of a hafly Marriage in my
ow^Famify; when I refleft upon*c, ii (kockv me. Pray^
my Lord, confider a little .
Jim, Confiderl Do you doubt my Hononr» or my Liove ?
Dcr, Neither : I do believe you equally Juil as Brave
—And were your whole Sex drawn out for me to chufe, !•
ihculd not caft a Look upon the Multitude if you were
abfent— But» my Lord, I'm a Woman ; Colours, Con*
cealments may hiJe a thoufand Faults in me— Therefore
Icnow me better firii ; 1 hardly dare aiHrm I knew myr
fclf in any thing except my Love.
Aim% Such Goodoefs who c^uld injure ! I find m^felfun-
equal to the Talk of Villain ; flie has gained my Soul« and
made it honed like herown'^I canoot hurt her [^^i^.]
Do£\or, retire. [E;fcit, Foigard.] Madam, behold your
Lover and your Profelyte, &nd judge of my PaiCon i>y
my Conveifion I'm all a Lie, nor dare 1 give a. Fic-
tion to your Arms; I'm all a Counterfeit, except my
Paflion.
Dor. Forbid it. Heaven? A Counterfeit!
Aim. I am tiO LX)rd, but a poor needy Ma;n, come
with a mean, a fcandalous Deiign to prey npon your
Fortune : But the Beauties of your Mind and Perfon
have fo won me from myfelf, that, like a truily Servant,
I prefer the Intcreft of my Miftrefs to my own;
Dor. Sure, I have had the Dream of feme poor Mari-
per, a flceping Image of ^, welcome Port, and wake in-
volv'd in Storms. — ^Pray, Sir, who are you ? .
Aim. Brother to the Man whofe Title I ufurp'd, but "
Stranger to his Honour or his Fortune. •
Dor, Matchlefs Honefty 1 — Once 1 was proud,- Sir, of
your Wealth and Title, but now am proudi?r that you
want it: Now I can ihew, my love was juftly levelled,
and had na Aim but Love. Dodlor, coa>e in.
O 5 ; Mnier
%$ the Beaux Stratagem.
Enter Foigard ^ one Doori Gipfcy at atiotiir, ^ha nnifif'
^yv;. ^^sJOldrinda* ;. -
Your Pardon, Sir ; .we iha'n't want you now. Sic—
Yott mtift excufe me— 1*11 wait on you prefe^Uy.
Fw^. Upon my Sljtoul; now,.di8irfi)Oli(h. [ExU*
Aim. Gone S: and.Uidthe Prkftjacpart'— It has an omi»
nous Look. - .-^-X
. :■ ;•• ' .• • • ;X\ \. I'l^tet ta^ti . \ ..-- ; 1 .-■'..
Arch. GouragCi Toot—— Shall' I wilh jtotti|iiy»i:i;:
AimJlfiKi. .<.■■■'■' '•••':^ /-; .-'■; .:.-''
Arch. Oons I Manf> what haT^yoftb^i^^ ^ / :
Aim. Oh, AtchiTt my Hoficfty, 1 ffiii-> :1mu ruia'd me.
■ ^ffit*:: Ho^ t' . V : .". - i ;■ .,■.■'.;•■■'•:...'. iT . "■ ;
Aim. I have difcover*d myfelf:! — ^. — ;
Arch. Difcover'd^r .And withoattfyCkattfiatti-Whatf
Have 1 embarked my fmall Remains in -thedfim^ B^ittom
with yours, and you difpofe of'^l rwitbont :iAy^ Fanner-
///«» 0;.Arftir, I'owi^.niy^Faolt. ;
' Arf^> cAfter Convi<h*onr?^*Ti« tl^eh too late f6r PardbB-
>— r — yoo.ijiay rem^hibcrgrlffr* Jimweit, that yop t>ro*-
. MsM tlus Folly-T-Afiyott begun, ro;eod it^t-itehccuMth
. 1^11 hnntimy FprtiM%f'7u)g?er-r— Sq Arew:el.\.or . iou.; .
^0i> Stay, my'^j^i/rriir,- Jii^aMm^ a:: .';
^ ^ ^ry*.,.§tey,|r>WiMrt, ,toj ;,te defpiVd* «;xpOi'd. and
laiigh'd ^t! No! I^v^ouklibpiner change^rC^nditidns
r tyi^VtJM^prft^of .4he]^ogvics:..w(9 jod n<iw*hQ0TKi»^aa>
bear one fcornful Smile from the. proud Knight that oiyce
treated as my Bqua). .
Aim. What Knight \:
JifcK.S[r^^i^ar/efgrefma9i,'Btoth9f: to^the Lady that li
had alm'^ft^^jii: ncrmii|tter,fbr |h(9.i^ >^tis a curfed Night's
Work, atod/ot leave you to make the |^ cin*t. . .
yAim^ iVff«f«»/**«,— One Word, -Archer., StiJl I have
Hopes ; niediLoaght (he receiv'dmy Confeffion with plda-
•■fare* '.,•;.
^rr^. 'Sdeath^ who doubts it ?
Aim. She confented after to the Match; and ftill I dare
hslieVe (be will be juflu
-. ■ Arch
The Beaux Stratagem. 77
. ^ch. To herfelf, I warrant her, as yoa (hould have
been.
Jim. By all my Hooes (he comes, and finilling comes.
Entir Dorinda mi^htjgaj.
D§r. Come, my dear Lord-— —I fly with Impauence
to your Arms.— I'he Minutes of my Abfence was a tedi«
OQS Year. Where*i this Priefl ?
Enttr Foigard.
Arth, Oons, A brave Girl !
D9r, I fuppofe* my Lord, this Gentleman is privy to
ourAflfairs? -
Jrcb. Yes, yes. Madam, I'm to be your Father.
D§r. Come, Prieft, do yoor Office.
Arth. Make hafte, make hafte 1 couple *em any way,
\Takis Aim well*/ HaM4l.'\ Come, Madam, Vm to give
yot t ■ ■ ■
Dor. Uy Mind'l altered ; I won't.
. Anh. £ii^44-^
Aim. Tm confonnded.
Foig. Upon my Shoul, and fo is myihelf.
Arch. What^s the Matter now, Madam,
D^. LookV, Sir, one generous A^on deferves an-
other.— -——This Gentleman^s Honour obliged him to
Iksde nothing from me; my Jeftice engages me to
conceal oothmg fEOmiJbim: In fliort. Sir, you are the
Ferfi>».that you thon^ht;yoa counterfeited ; you are the
- Lord Vifconnt w^//iiacW/,vind'I wlfkyoor Lordihip Joy^.
Now, Prieil, you mav be^ene ; if my Lord is now
«ka^^d with the Match, let thielonUhip marry me in the
Face of the World.
Aiyn, Archer^ What does (he mean?.
Dor. Here's a Witncfs for my Truths
inttr. Sir Charles tmJ Mrt. Sniten.
Sir Cb. My dear Lord Aianmtli I wifityoa Jby.
Aim. X)f what }
Sir. Ch, Of your Honour and ERate. Yonr Brother
'6ied the Day before I left London % and all your Priends
have writ after 'you to Bru£el$ ; among the reft i did my-
felf the Honour.
■■■ vfrfA. HearkV, Sir Knight, don't you banter now ?
Sir Qk. 'Tis Truth, upon my Honour.
yt The Beaux Siratagem.
Jim» Tbanki to the pregnant Stars that form'dthii
Accident.
jtrtb. Thanks to the Womb of Time that Iroaght it
forth ; away with it. .
jiim. Thanks to my Gaardian Angel that led me to
the Prize— [Taking DoriodaV Hani,
Arch. And doable Thanks to the nobk Sir Cbarlts
Freeman, My liOrd, I wtih you Joy. My Lady, i wifh
you Joy.-—— — I gad, Sir Fneman^ youVe the honoileit
Fellow living -— 'Sdeath, Tm gw^rn flraBgely 4iiiy <apon
this Matter My Lord, how d'ye ?— A iWdrd. my
Lord : Don't you remember romething of a previous
Agreemen;, that entitles me to the Moiety of this Lady's
Fortune, which, I think, will amount to fiv^ thonfand
Pounds ?
Aim, Not a Penny, Archer: You would iia*^iit my
Throat jull now, becaofel would iaot deceive this Lady.
Arch. Ay, and I'll cut your Throat ftill|~ff|yoti fhould
deceive her now, ^. ; ; . . .'•.
Aim. That's what I exped ; and' to end the Dilpnte,^
the Lady's Fortune is Ten thoafand Pounds^ we'll. di«-
▼ide Stakes i take the Ten thoufand Pounds, or the
Lady.
D§r, How ! is your Lordfhip fo indifFertot ?
Arch. No, no, no,. Madam, iiieiiiordihip. knows vesy.
well, that 111 uke thie Money^;iiTieave you to hiSiLord-
•ihip, fo we'^e both pvovideil.ilbr. . / .
£«/ie^oigard«
Foigi Afahfait^>do People do fay you.be all. rohb'di.
Aim. The Ladies have been in fome Danger, Sir, as
you faw.
Foig, Upon my Shoul our Inn be rob too..
^/>«. Oar ina ! By whom-?
^Foig. Upon my Shalwation, our Landlbrd Jias robb*d.
'Jiimfeir, and run away wid da Money.
w^rri&. .RobVd himfelf! .
Foig, A fait ! and me too of a hundred Pound8«r
Arcft. Robb'd you of a hundred Pounds !
Foig, Yes fait Honey, that I did owe to him».
Aim. Our Money's gone, FranU
Jrch
The Be/tux Stratagem . 7f .
Jixh. Rot the Money, mv Wench ii gone^^Mna^
ca'um vous quefqui cbofi it madamoifilU Cheriy ?
EntiT a Fellow with mfir9Ug Bii$ ami m Ufttr^
FiL Is th;re one i(/ar/f»here ?
^rch. Ay, ay,— who wants him f
fi/. I have a Box here and n Letcer for him.
Wrc/f. [Tah'fit the Box.'] Ha, ha, ha, what^s here?
ererdemamJ By this Lights my Lord, our Money again
* Burets Pinfolds the Riddle.- [O/^n/ff^ thi iHter^ rra//.1
Ium» hu8i».havi O, ^is lor the puhlic <Sood, tnd
luftbe cmnmunicattd to the CoiAjp^any.
Mr. Martia^.
I^lv Fatbir-bihgaftutJ of am Imptachmtfit Ij thi lUgtm
thai an ukin /•-»i>l/, is gone off\ hut if you cun-
rocure iim'ja Fardom^ bili make great U{Jc9veries that may
t vfeful to ibi Qountiry : . CouU I have met you infiead of
7ur Mafier tif-nigbt, I iioould have ded*ver d myjelf into
our Hands, *witb a,Sufli that much exceeds that in your
rong Boxt *wbicb I have fent you^ wtb an ^Jfuranu to
ty dear Mattin*,^^/ IJhaH ever be his mofi faithful Friend
ill Death, Cherry Boniface*
"here's a Billet-doux for you— As for the Father, I think
e ought to be encouraged, and for the Daughter
'jray, my Lord, perfuade your firide to take her into her
ervice mftead of Gipfey.
Jim. I oAn -fitbiTe you, Madam, your Deliverance was .
wing to her Difcovcry.
Dor.' Your Command, my Lord, will^ do without the.-
)bligation. I'll take care of her.
Sir Cb. This good Company meets opportunely in fa-
our of a De(ign I have in behalf of my unfortunate
ifter: 1 intend to part her from her Hufband— Gentle
Lemen, will you a0iil me ?
Jrcb. Affift you ! 'Sdeatb, who would not }-
Mmg^jAy, upon my Shoul, we'll all alhift.
Enter Sullen.
SuL What's 4111 this? They tell me, Sponfe, that
m'fand like t) have been robb'd.
Mrs. Swi. Truly, Spoufe, I was pretty near it-^«-Had
tOt thefe two Gentlemen interposM.
Sml. How came thefe Gentlemen here ?
Z Mrs. Sul.
So J^te Beaux Stratagem:
Mrs. SmL Tbafs hir way of returning Tbcnki« yoa
mod know.
Fo^. Ay, but upon my Confhience de Qneftion be
apropo for all dat.
SirCi^. You promis*dlail Night, Sir, that you woold
deliver your Laidy t> me this Morning.
ok/. Humph.
Jrcb. Humph 1 What do^ you mean by Humph ?— -«
Sir, you Hull deliver oer :^Iq (hort, Sir, web^vc favM
YOU and your Family ; and if voa arc not civiU we*U ua«
bind the Rogues, join with em, and fct Fire to yow
Houfe-— Whatd es the Man mean? Not part with his Wife!
fo$g,.Araih, not part wid your Wife! Uj^on my Shool
de Man dofh not underhand common Shivihty.
Mn, Sul. Hold, Gen lemen, a-l' Things here muft
move by Confcnt; Compulfioa would fpoil ua : Let nj
Dear and I talk the Matter over, and you (hall judge it
between us-
Sul. Let me know firft who aie to be on/ Jiidgct :^^^
Pray, Sir, who are you ?
SirC^. I am Sir Cbaries Frummm come toiakrawij
your Wife. :
Sul. And you, pood Sir?
Jlim, CharUs \ ifcount Aimnueilf come to take, awty
your Sirtcr.
Sui. And you, pray Sir ?" I
^rch, Francis Archer, Efq; come'i' ■■ j
^uL To take away my Mother, I hope — Gentlemei,
you arc heartily welcome : I never met with three more
obliging People fince I w.is born— And now, my Deal,
ii you plcafe, you (hall have the firll Word.
Arch. And the lad, for five Pounds. \;Ajik
Mrs. Sul. Spoufe.
^uU Rib.
Mrs. SuL How long have you been married?
Sul. By the Almanack, fourteen Months ;-«*bnt by'ttf
Account, fourteen Years.
Mrs. Sul. ' ris thereabout by my Reckoning'
Fc-g. Ui.on my Conlhience dcre Accounts vil agrCVri
Mr-s. 6W. Pray, Spoufe, what did you marry foii-
<V«/. To get an Heir to my £ftate.
biiCI?, And have you fucccedffd /.
M
The Beaux Stratagem. 77
. Atcb. To herfelf, I warrant her, as jroa (hould have
been.
Jim. By all my Hooes (he comes, and ftnilling comes.
Entiruoriii^Si mighty ^aj»
Dmr. Come, mv dear Lord 1 ny with Impauence
to your Arms.— 1 he Minutes of my Abfence was a tedi-
OQsYear. Where*i this PrieA?
Entir Foigard.
drch^ OonSy A brave Girl !
Dor.. I fuppofc, my Lord, this Gentleman is. privy to
our .Afiifs I
Jrcb, Yes, yes» Madam, Vm to be your Father.
Dor. Cone, Prieft^- do your Office.
- Jdftb. .Make.hafte, make hade 9 couple *em any way,
\Takis Aim well*/ Hanil.'\ Come, Madam» Tm to give
yott " ■ > ■
/ />or; My MiftdY altered $. I won'u
- Aim. Vm confounded.'
f|pi(f « Upon my Shoul, and fo is myihelC
Jrch. What^s the Matter now. Madam,
.to'; Dor. Look*e, Sir, one generous A^off defetves an«
Other . ' ■ ' i '—This Gentleman^s Honour obliged him to
^^sde nothing froA me; my Juftice ehgage^ me to
conceal ootluo^ fcbmiJhim : In ihott. Sir, you are the
I^eribniithat you thon^^yoa «aun«^icited ; you are the
• Lx3rd Vifconnt JimweJi,^.4Kii^Al wifli your Lordihipjoy^^
^ Now^> Pried, you may. ber^^^ime ; if my Lord is now
tWl^si^'d with the Match^ letihit LohUhip marry me in the .
Face of the World. .
Jiin. Archer^ What does (he mean ?.
Dor. Here's a Witnefs for my TruthU
. itw^n^ir tharleS'tfiiViJlff^,3iilkii.
Sir Off. My de&r Lord AimvM^l nd&yoii ^^\ .
I' Aim.<iMiv9hit^''' '-I'' -:.-'\:,->- " '/;
^^ Sir. Ck Of your Hibatror -and ERate.* Yonr Brbthtff
'died the Dxy before 1 left lofidott^ and fA^yonrl^riends
have wrh after fyoii xa'BruJ/ehi amongtht-xeft I did my'?
fclf the Honour. ' '."''..
virf4.'^HearkV; Sir Knight,:* donHyoti banter Aow ?
Six Ch. *Tis Truih, nponmyHOnoor.*^ "' '
7? 5f*^ Seaux Siratagem.
AkHi 'thzxik^ to tkcf pregiKant Starfi^that formM^this
Accident.
Jreb, T.hanka to tlic Wonib of T5me that Irooght it
forth ; away with it. . ^ '
Mm. Thanks to myiiaardiha An^l that led vt^ to
the Prize— — [Taking "Dom^^ s Ha»^.
Arch. And doable Thanks to- th& noble Siv CbmU$
Freeman. My Lord, I wifh you J^y. My Lady, 1 wifh
you Joy.*; 1 gad, Sir Fruntan^ you're the Jbosbllell
Ifelloi^ livilkg — -^d«ath» Tav girt>^rn draiis^Jy iaijyHlpon
this Matter^ My Lord, how d'ye ?— A i.Wdrd» i«jr
Lord : Don't you retnember (bmething 4)f <a .ppeVious
Agreeniei\^» that entitles me totkeftdbiecy^of'this.'Lttdy'a
Fortune, which, I think, will amouiit to &ik tkottfand
'pounds ? ; ■ •'• M. . ■ V- »
Aim. Not a Penny, Archer: You would W«€«t niy.
Throat jud now, becanfet would indt'tiedrivf lchi9d^dy.
Arch. Ay, and I'll cut your Throat Ai^£f{)ro^^.iliould-
deceive her now. . : . f . ..licj u^' -. . - W
Aim. That's W]|at lexped ; and.lo. cnd^^hi IM(pkite»^
the Lady's Fortane is Ten tj^afiwd j^nds^ we'U.di*.
^de Stakes I take the Tea thoufand Pounds, -or th«
'Lady. '■■■<■ ...- -.•'. — . .
lUr. How! is your jLor^fhip^ To i«iUflren}atf: .
Ar€h. No, no, iio^.Madaai,d^iiri4ioniflup'iciiQiiiaS)Areiy.
•well^ that I'll takcttrisMoiie^Jd^eaye you.tO'iiiai<Lflrd-
•ihip> 'fo^^lre botti )^i()e4ip[^n^ :\. ;:w.;;' /I ^
l%ir>r •Arak.faiijfide Beipltf 3o;iay ■;otf.bc:fdl fobfa'-^i^
Joy., : / -i
^i>v. TheLaditshttvcihsen in fooie Dangcr> Six, aa.
youfawr .. . .\ ....
/*0(f. Upn.in^SBiiui4M]rJniiberobtoo«.
Foig. tJpon xnyShalwatioHy our LaniUbcJiUi r0bb*d.
^Masm^'' m»i r\m:akiy^vitid ^u Mioiicmi - X^ ^
jrfr^;::itatflfti3riaifclfl. ; ( . v. L« • j :.
f!^^* A Autf^andme tooof abvQdced^Pboadi*^^ . 1
j^rr^*. Robb'd you of ajiundred Pounds !
Foig. Yes fiit H^ty, thzt 1 did owe to Jiim*. :
w^/>fi. OurMoney*sft;onff| fy««jU.
The Beam Stratagem . jnf;
^ jfixJ^^'Rot the Money, my Wcnchis gobe^MMM^
Scavex 'vous qttelque cbo/t kg MadamoifilU Cherry ? -
Entvr a Fellow with m flr^^g B^iH and m Uttfr*
Fil. Is th^re one ikfar/f»heref '
Jrch, Ay, ay,— who wants him f
pel, I h^ve a Box here and a Lietcer for him.
^rch, [Taking the Box."} Ha, ha, ha, whaOs here?
* Le^erdennainJ By this Light-, my Lord, our Money agaio ^
.i-^Bott^ts^irtrolds the Riddle.. fO/zif/ff^ thi Later, V^ads.^
•Hudi,^huiB»:lHnn — ^O; ^9 for the pHsblk Qoodj, -ihiii .
intift.be unnmunicaied to^ the CoiAjwy. ^ - ^
. Jlri'Martw*. ••,..,
^^/f^' ^^^h^^^'^^^S'^fi^^^ ^f ^^ Imp€achmept,lj the li§gtatf:
tbfii are taken tt-ni^t, is gone off% tut if yon cafti
fxocure him a Pardon^ bdil make great Uijeoviries that, mw^
teu/efultg $hfQQUittrj :. CouU I have met you infiead of
''jou¥ Mafier to night i I *would have deliver* d, myjelf inlp
j<>ur. Handle viitb a ^Snfn. that much exceeds that in your
Jrong Box\ *which'I have fent you, with an j^Juran^tto
. my dear Majjtio^^iv/. ,/^«tf evee hi. his. moft faithful Friend ■
till Deaths' ^ Cherry Bomiface*
There's a Billet-doux for you— A* for the Father, I think .
*iie ought' to be encouraged, and- for the Daughter ^■
Fxsiy» mv Lord, perAiade your firide to take her into her
Service mftead of Gipfeyi
Aim. I oto-a&re yott^ M^^'^'i)' y^f Deliverance wat>
.•wing-aober Difcovcry^
:• i>0r.)iVimr Command^ my Lord,: wil^ do without thie>
,Oblig^tionc 1*11 take care of her.
SirCi&. This good Companv meets opportunely in* fa-
vour .of a De(ign I have in behalf of my unfortunate
Sifter: 1 intend to part her from her Hufband— -Gentle^ -
tlemen, will you afliil me ?
Arch. ^Affift-yeu ! 'Sdeatb, who would not r-
•^ r. fflirgfu Ay^ Q|»iii my Shoul; we'll all aihift..
£«/^ Sullen rf
^li/. Vi?|i8t?8 ill- ^hisi^-^They tell me, Spooii^ thafc
jmaif^ilike t) have been robbed.
Mrs. fiwfc Ttulyj Spoufe^ I was prettynear it^— -Had .
not thefe two Gentlemen interposed.
SuL How came thtfrrGantfemcn^ Jhere \
,\..l Mrt, ^ul. .
^" i * ■» « r \ .' ^■.
[ 84 J
SONG of a Trifle- .
Sung by Archer in the Third A^.
A Trifling fong yoa Jhmll bimi^^
Begun with a Trtjk mmi imiii^
All Tripng Ffple dra*w marr
AnilJballhiuMyMtndid.
Wire it not for Trifles^ a fivSf
That lately ha ve come into P/aj^'t
Tie Mn 'wouUtnvaiktJiikMbiiit to io4 '
And the Women ^want fimetiing tofaf*
What makes Men trijffU in 1>»*effingf
Becaufe the Ladies (they knfwj
Admire, hy often Pojfftffing^
That eminent Trifle a Bean*
When the Lover his Moments has trifled^
The Trip of Trifles to gain :
No focner the Fir gin it rifled^
But a Triflle frail fart *em again.
What mortal Man nvotJd he able
At White's Haf an Hour to fit?
Or ivho could bear a Teatabh,
IVithout talking of Trifles for Wit F
The Court is from Trifles fecuret
Cold Keys ate no '1 rifles, 'iKe fee :
White Rods are no Trifles^ 1 mfun^
Whatever their Bearers may be*
H
^he Biaui$ Strdtagm. - * f f
Sid. No.
Arch,^ The Condition ^Is of bis Side— Pay^ Madam^
what did yoo many for ?
Mrs. 5»/. To fupport the Weaknefs of my Sex by the
.Stteasth of lus» and to<^joy. the Pleafores of: an agree^
able Society,
Sir Cb. Axe yonr Expedatioas ai^wer*d ?
M«. 4W. No.
' Fing^ Ankiy. Hone)^^ a ckarC4ale» a deai^Caafq ! *
r. SirG&« Whatarr^tbe Aui to your mutual CootenU
imentii •• .. •
Mrs. SuL I» tiie firft places I caaY drink. Ale «ab
fcim.
^uL Nor caa I drtak.Tea with ber»
.. cMrs. ^«/. . I can't hunir with you.
: 5W. Nor caa \ dance with. yon. . . ;..
^Mcs. W. IlnteCockiog aad.Racingi!': . ^s '/.
tjd* And I abhor. Ombre and Picquet; <.. j v;.^? .
MiSi 5a/. Your Sikncc ia intolerable. ^?.
^a/. YoarPrating^is worfe..
> Mrs. Sul. Hava wr jr>^ beea a atrpetoal OSence to
each other— A enawing Vulture at the Heart \ ;;
SuU A frightful Gobling to^tht Si^ht.
■ryMt9^ Sul. APoccupine^o tteFeeling. .
SuL Perpetual Wormwood to the Tafte.
Mrs. SitL h there on Earth a Thing we can agjreaia ?
Sui. Yes- ■ to jNPfc
. T Mrs.^^ic;. With all my Hearts
. &/v YourHand^
; Mrr.^a/. Herei - x.
Su/. Thefe Hadds jainU as^ thefe fkall f^n t »■ ■>■
A<t8 y , ■i.ucjr. ./- . -. *
Mrs. 5«/. North. i (.; ^ ./:
SuL South.
Mrs. 5«/. JBarifc*.. . "
^ ^. Waft ; . far ai^the PolH afimder.
/^^^. Upon my Shoul, . a very.pvetty Sheremony^.
Sir Ci&: Now; Mriiv//air/ there wants only mySifler'i
FoftQVie.tQ make us ex£Y^
SuL Bii^Charkti yon Jose your Siflerj and I love' her
Toitune ; every one taihis Fancy. .
jinh. Thcnyou^won'^iiefood^'' '
'^ J2:^ The Beaux Stratngim
Sttl. Not a Sliver.
jfrcb. What ia her Portion ?
Sir Ch, Tea thoufand Poonds, Sin
j^^'Tnm h :;fiiy tbrd, 1 thank him, has enable*'
nt, andV the Lady j^eal^ Ihe (haH go home with me.
This Night'3 Adventure has prov'd ftrangely lacky tO m
all — For Captain Gihhtt in his Walk, has made bold,
Mr. Sullen^ with your Study aud Efcri'tore, and has taken
-out all the Writings of your Eflate, all the Articles of
Marriage with your Lady, Bills, Bonds, Leafes, Re-
ceipts, to an infinite Value; 1 took *em frgo^ him, and'
I ddifcr thera to Sir Cj^ir/w..
[Gives him a Pareei of Papers and P.arehtneMsa
SitL Howj my Writings ! my Head akes confumedly.
—Well, Gentlemen, you fhallhave her Foitunc, but I
can't talk. If you have a mind,^ Sir Cbarles\ to be merry,
and celebrate my Sifter's Wedding and my Divorce; you
may command my Honfe ! but my Head akes confum-
edly t—5rrK^, bring me a Dram.
Arch. Madam \fo Mrs, S.uU ] there-s a Country-dance
ao the Trifle that I fung to-day ; yoor Hand, and we'Il^
>lead it up, '
Here a Ddnei. .
Arch. *TwoqM be hard.to guefi which of thefe Parties'
is the better pleas'd, the Coap]« joinVi, or the Coupl»^
parted^ the one rejoicing iti hopes of an untafted Happi*-
n'efs, and the. other in their Deiirerancefeom an ^pe-^
lienc'dMifery.
Both happi in their fefveral States^ nnefind:
^hofe.partid hf Con/ent, and tbrfo^ conjoin* d^'
Con/ent, t/mufual, /ofves the Lawyer s Fee y.
Con/ent is La*w enough to/etjouftig.
IhiEndofthe.TiftbkQ'V. ,
AN
t ^3 3
A N
EPILOGUE.
Defign'd to be fpoke ih the Beaux Stratagm^
JF to our Play jour'JmifftiM taJtiihm^
•* Lot its expiring ji^thor Pity foul.:
Survey its mourt^ul Cafe njoitb melting Eyet^
Uor let the Bard hi damned hifbro hi diou
Fot bear you Pair^ on bis'laft Stone tofr9<wnf
But bis true Exit ivitb a Plaudit crv'Oon \
^beujhall the dying Poet eeaftH>femr >
Tif dreadful KmU^ nubile your affUmfe he bears*.
Jt LtVLdxzfo the Conquering Theban ^V,
Claimed bis Friends Praifes, hut their fears detrfdz
Pleas' din the Pangs of Deaths he greatly thought
Conquefl m)itb Loji of Lift hut cheapfy bought.
The Difference this, the Greek njuas one luou'dfght.
As brave, tho* not fo fay, ds Serjeant Kite :
Te Sens of Will'/, ivbat^s that to tbofe nvbo isjrite I
To Thebes alone the Grecian ova* d his BAys^
Tou may the Bard above the Hero raife^
Since yours is greater than Athisnian Praiji^
S ON Q,
SONG of /a Trifle. :..
Sung by Archer in 'the Tbiri ASt^
A Trifling Softg yoM JJMlh&mu \
Begun with a TnJU mfidindid^
Ml Trifling People draw near^^ . '
And Ifl^dl hi nobly atUndid.
\-\-: »v « • . .1 / . ■
Were It not for Trifles, a fn»i
That lately have come into Plaj%
The Mrn nvoul^nvtlktfliheth'iii^ to Hoi *
Jnd the If omen want fmething tofuf*'
IFhat makes Men, irijffUi»f>reffing^
Becau/e the JLadiis (they kn^wy : •*
Admire, hy often Pofltffingi •' T . . -^ :*»*'v- v -
That eminent Trifle a Seatt* . -,
' '. . ■ • ■ ■. ".^ * ■ ' "* '
When the Lover hii^M^ments bat trifled, . v .
The Trifle of Trrjei JO gain:
No focner the Firgin ii rifled ^
But a Triflle pall fart ^tm agedn.
What mortal Man would be able . ' '
At White's Half an Hour to fit P
Or who could bear a Tea-t^tbfe,
Without talking of Trifles for Wit?
The Court is from Trifles fecure.
Gold Keys at e no 'Trifles^ fj^e fee .•
White Rods are no Trifles^ I mfun^
WhaUver their Bearers may be.
9^
C 85 3
But if you vtnllgo to the P/aci,
When friftes almndaialj hntdt
Th€ Levee voili Jhovo you hU Gretee
Makes Promf/es Trifles indeed.
A Coaeh iviihjtx Footmen behind^
I count ntitber Trifle mr Sin ;
£ut, ye Gods ! bouu oft do n»e find
Jfcundalous Trifle nvkbite^
A Flajk ofChfOHpaign^ People think it
A 7'r//?V, or fomethiug at Mi
But if you" il eantrinte hofwt^dtM it^
Yoifllfind it no Trifle tgeuU
AParfin's aTriflleatSia^
A Widow* s a Trifle im Sorrovt :
A Peace is a Trifle to-^day^
Who knows what utaj hefpett U^Morrovi^
A Black Coat a Trifli meg ctoah^
Or to hide it t the Red may endeaytftur z
But if once the Army is tr^kir^. ...
H'e fijall have more Trifles thaet 4 ver^
The Stage is a Trifle^ they fayl "
The Reafouy pray carry ulong^
Becaufe at e^v^ry new PUy^
The Hcufe they wi4h Trifles fo tirpstg.
But with People^ s Malice to Trifle^
And to fet us all on a Foot :
The Author of this is . a Trifle, \
And his Song is a Trifle to ioot^
I N I Sb.
<wS"
■; ■/ ''•*' . ':nr. 't
s/,
. ■■ ■•/ ' /
{ I )
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