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PORTRAIT   FROM    A   DAGUERREOTYPE   IN  THE 
POSSESSION    OF   THOMAS   J.    McKEF 


THE  WORKS 

OF 

EDGAR  ALLAN  POE 


NEWLY  COLLECTED   AND    EDITED,  WITH  A 

MEMOIR,   CRITICAL     INTRODUCTIONS,   AND 

NOTES,   BY    EDMUND    CLARENCE    STEDMAN 

AND   GEORGE   EDWARD    WOODBERRY 


THE  ILLUSTRATIONS  BY 
ALBERT  EDWARD  STERNER 


IN  TEN  VOLUMES 
VOLUME   IV 


CHICAGO 
STONE   ^   KIMBALL 

MDCCCXCV 


COPYRIGHT,    1894, 
BY   STONE   &    KIMBALL 


Contents  of  the  Fourth  Volume 

EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

PAGE 

THE   DUG    DE   L'OxMELETTE  3 

LIONIZING  9 

A   TALE   OF   JERUSALEM  l6 

BON-BON  22 

THE   MAN    THAT   WAS    USED    UP  44 

KING    PEST  58 

LOSS   OF    BREATH  75 

FOUR   BEASTS    IN    ONE  92 

THE   DEVIL    IN    THE   BELFRY  IO3 

THREE    SUNDAYS    IN    A    WEEK  II 5 

NEVER    BET   THE    DEVIL  YOUR    HEAD  1 24 

WHY   THE     LITTLE     FRENCHMAN    WEARS     HIS  HAND 

IN    A    SLING  137 

THE    ANGEL   OF   THE    ODD  I45 

THE   BUSINESS    MAN  1 58 

THE    LITERARY   LIFE   OF  THINGUM    BOB,    ESQ.  I7I 

HOW   TO    WRITE   A    BLACKWOOD   ARTICLE  I98 

ARTICLE    FOR   BLACKWOOD:    A    PREDICAMENT  212 

X-ING   A    PARAGRAB  225 

DIDDLING     CONSIDERED     AS     ONE     OF     THE  EXACT 

SCIENCES  234 

VON    KEMPELEN    AND   HIS    DISCOVERY  249 

MELLONTA   TAUTA  259 

NOTES  281 


Illustrations  to  the  Fourth  Volume 

PORTRAIT   FROM   A   DAGUERREOTYPE   IN   THE 

POSSESSION   OF  THOMAS  J.  MC  KEE  Frontispiece 


PICTURES 

to  face  page 

KING    PEST    I 

64 

II 

73 

ARTICLE    FOR    BLACKWOOD 

220 

EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 


VOL.  IV. 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 


K] 


THE    DUG    DE    L'OMELETTE 


And  stepped  at  once  into  a  cooler  clime. 

COWPER. 


.EATS  fell  by  a  criticism.  Who  was  it  died  of 
n Androjnaque ? '^  Ignoble  souls! — -De  L'Omelette 
perished  of  an  ortolan.  Lhistoire  en  est  breve.  Assist 
me,  Spirit  of  Apicius  ! 

A  golden  cage  bore  the  little  winged  wanderer, 
enamoured,  melting,  indolent,  to  the  Chans  see  d'Antin^ 
from  its  home  in  far  Peru.  From  its  queenly  pos- 
sessor. La  Bellissima,  to  the  Due  De  L'Omelette,  six 
peers  of  the  empire  conveyed  the  happy  bird. 

That  night  the  Due  was  to  sup  alone.  In  the 
privacy  of  his  bureau  he  reclined  languidly  on  that 
ottoman  for  which  he  sacrificed  his  loyalty  in  outbid- 
ding his  king,  —  the  notorious  ottoman  of  Cadet. 

He  buries  his  face  in  the  pillow.  The  clock  strikes! 
Unable  to  restrain  his  feelings,  his  Grace  swallows  an 
olive.     At  this  moment  the  door  gently  opens  to  the 

1  Montfleury.  The  author  of  the  Parnasse  Reforme  makes 
him  thus  speak  in  Hades :  —  "  Lhomnie  done  qui  voudrait  savoir 
ce  dofit  je  suis  mort,  qtiil  ne  demande  pas  si  ce  ftit  de  lafievre  ou 
de  la  podagre  ou  d^ autre  chose,  inais  quHl  entende  que  ce  put  de 
'•  D  Andromaque.^ " 

3 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

sound  of  soft  music,  and  lo,  the  most  delicate  of  birds 
is  before  the  most  enamoured  of  men  !  But  what  in- 
expressible dismay  now  overshadows  the  countenance 

of  the  Due  ? "  Horreur  /  —  chien  !  —  Baptiste  I  — 

Poiseau  /  ah^  bon  Dieu  !  cet  oiseau  jnodeste  que  tu  as 
deshabille  de  ses  piuines^  et  que  tu  as  servi  sans 
papier!'^  It  is  superfluous  to  say  more: — the  Due 
expired  in  a  paroxysm  of  disgust. 

"  Ha !  ha !  ha ! "  said  his  Grace  on  the  third  day 
after  his  decease. 

"  He  !  he  !  he  ! "  replied  the  Devil,  faintly,  drawing 
himself  up  with  an  air  of  hauteur. 

"Why,  surely  you  are  not  serious,"  retorted  De 
L'Omelette.  "  I  have  sinned  —  c'est  vrai  —  but,  my 
good  sir,  consider !  —  you  have  no  actual  intention 
of  putting  such  —  such  —  barbarous  threats  into 
execution," 

"No  whatf''  said  his  Majesty — "come,  sir,  strip!" 

"  Strip,  indeed !  —  very  pretty,  i'  faith  !  —  no,  sir,  I 
shall  not  strip.  Who  are  you,  pray,  that  I,  Due 
De  L'Omelette,  Prince  de  Foie-Gras,  just  come  of 
age,  author  of  the  '  Mazurkiad,'  and  Member  of  the 
Academy,  should  divest  myself  at  your  bidding  of 
the  sweetest  pantaloons  ever  made  by  Bourdon,  the 
daintiest  7'obe-de-chambre  ever  put  together  by  Rom- 
bert  —  to  say  nothing  of  the  taking  my  hair  out  of 
paper  —  not  to  mention  the  trouble  I  should  have  in 
drawing  off  my  gloves  ?  " 

"  Who  am  I  ?  —  ah,  true  !  I  am  Baal-Zebub,  Prince 
of  the  Fly.  I  took  thee,  just  now,  from  a  rosewood 
coffin  inlaid  with  ivory.  Thou  wast  curiously  scented, 
and  labelled  as  per  invoice.  Belial  sent  thee,  —  my 
Inspector  of  Cemeteries.  The  pantaloons,  which  thou 
4 


THE   DUG  DE   L'OMELETTE 

sayest  were  made  by  Bourdon,  are  an  excellent  pair 
of  linen  drawers,  and  thy  robe-de-chainbre  is  a  shroud 
of  no  scanty  dimensions." 

"Sir!"  replied  the  Due,  "I  am  not  to  be  insulted 
with  impunity  !  —  Sir !  I  shall  take  the  earliest  oppor- 
tunity of  avenging  this  insult !  —  Sir !  you  shall  hear 
from  me  !  In  the  mean  time,  att  revoirf'  —  and  the 
Due  was  bowing  himself  out  of  the  Satanic  presence, 
when  he  was  interrupted  and  brought  back  by  a  gen- 
tleman in  waiting.  Hereupon  his  Grace  rubbed  his 
eyes,  yawned,  shrugged  his  shoulders,  reflected.  Hav- 
ing become  satisfied  of  his  identity,  he  took  a  bird's 
eye  view  of  his  whereabouts. 

The  apartment  was  superb.  Even  De  L'Omelette 
pronounced  it  bien  comtne  il  faut.  It  was  not  its 
length  nor  its  breadth,  but  its  height  —  ah,  that  was 
appalling  !  There  was  no  ceiling  —  certainly  none  — 
but  a  dense  whirling  mass  of  fiery-colored  clouds. 
His  Grace's  brain  reeled  as  he  glanced  upwards. 
From  above,  hung  a  chain  of  an  unknown  blood-red 
metal  —  its  upper  end  lost,  like  the  city  of  Boston, 
par7ni  les  nues.  From  its  nether  extremity  swung  a 
large  cresset.  The  Due  knew  it  to  be  a  ruby;  but 
from  it  there  poured  a  light  so  intense,  so  still,  so 
terrible,  Persia  never  worshipped  such  —  Gheber 
never  imagined  such  —  Mussulman  never  dreamed 
of  such  when,  drugged  with  opium,  he  has  tottered 
to  a  bed  of  poppies,  his  back  to  the  flowers,  and 
his  face  to  the  god  Apollo.  The  Due  muttered  a 
slight  oath,  decidedly  approbatory. 

The  corners  of  the  room  were  rounded  into  niches. 
Three  of  these  were  filled  with  statues  of  gigantic 
proportions.  Their  beauty  was  Grecian,  their  de- 
formity  Egyptian,   their  tout  ensemble   French.     In 

5 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

the  fourth  niche  the  statue  was  veiled;  it  v/as  not 
colossal.  But  then  there  was  a  taper  ankle,  a  san- 
dalled foot.  De  L'Omelette  pressed  his  hand  upon 
his  heart,  closed  his  eyes,  raised  them,  and  caught 
his  Satanic  Majesty  —  in  a  blush. 

But  the  paintings  !  —  Kupris !  Astarte  !  Astoreth !  — 
a  thousand  and  the  same !  And  Rafaello  has  beheld 
them !     Yes,  Rafaello  has  been  here ;  for  did  he  not 

paint  the ?  and  was  he  not  consequently  damned  ? 

The  paintings  —  the  paintings  !  O  luxury  !  O  love  ! 
Who,  gazing  on  those  forbidden  beauties,  shall  have 
eyes  for  the  dainty  devices  of  the  golden  frames  that 
besprinkled,  like  stars,  the  hyacinth  and  the  porphyry 
walls? 

But  the  Due's  heart  is  fainting  within  him.  He  is 
not,  however,  as  you  suppose,  dizzy  with  magnificence, 
nor  drunk  with  the  ecstatic  breath  of  those  innumer- 
able censers.  11  est  vrai  que  a  toutes  ces  choses  il  a 
pense  beaiicoicp  — inais  I  The  Due  De  L'Omelette  is 
terror-stricken;  for,  through  the  lurid  vista  which  a 
single  uncurtained  window  is  affording,  lo !  gleams 
the  most  ghastly  of  all  fires ! 

Le  pativj'-e  Due  !  He  could  not  help  imagining  that 
the  glorious,  the  voluptuous,  the  never-dying  melodies 
which  pervaded  that  hall,  as  they  passed  filtered  and 
transmuted  through  the  alchemy  of  the  enchanted 
window-panes,  were  the  wailings  and  the  bowlings 
of  the  hopeless  and  the  damned  !  And  there,  too  !  — 
there  !  —  upon  that  ottoman  !  —  who  could  he  be  ?  — 
he,  the  petit-7naitre  —  no,  the  Deity  —  who  sat  as  if 
carved  in  marble,  et  qui  sourit^  with  his  pale  counte- 
nance, si  amerement? 

Mais  il  faut  agir,  —  that  is  to  say,  a  Frenchman 
never  faints  outright.  Besides,  his  Grace  hated  a 
6 


THE   DUC    DE    L'OMELETTE 

scene;  De  L'Omelette  is  himself  again.  There  were 
some  foils  upon  a  table  —  some  points  also.    The  Due 

had  studied  under  B ;  il  avail  tue  ses  six  hommes. 

Now,  then,  il  peul  s'echapper.  He  measures  two 
points,  and,  with  a  grace  inimitable,  offers  His  Majesty 
the  choice.     Horrettr !  His  Majesty  does  not  fence! 

Mais  il joue !  —  how  happy  a  thought!  —  but  his 
Grace  had  always  an  excellent  memory.  He  had 
dipped  in  the  Viable  of  the  Abbe  Gualtier.  Therein 
it  is  said  '' qtce  le  Viable  n'ose  pas  refuser  tui  jeu 
dec  arte.'' 

But  the  chances  —  the  chances  !  True  —  desperate  ; 
but  scarcely  more  desperate  than  the  Due.  Besides, 
was  he  not  in  the  secret  ?  —  had  he  not  skimmed  over 
Pierre  Le  Brun.'*  —  was  he  not  a  member  of  the  Club 
Vingt-et-un  ?  "  Si  je  perds''  said  he,  "yV  serai  deux 
fois  perdu  —  I  shall  be  doubly  damned  —  voila  tout  /  " 
(Here  his  Grace  shrugged  his  shoulders.)  "  Si  je  gagne, 
je  reviendrai  a  ines  ortolajis  —  q^le  les  cartes  soient 
preparees  /  " 

His  Grace  was  all  care,  all  attention  —  His  Majesty 
all  confidence.  A  spectator  would  have  thought  of 
Francis  and  Charles.  His  Grace  thought  of  his  game. 
His  Majesty  did  not  think ;  he  shuffled.     The  Due  cut. 

The  cards  are  dealt.  The  trump  is  turned  —  it  is 
—  it  is  —  the  king  !  No  —  it  was  the  queen.  His 
Majesty  cursed  her  masculine  habiliments.  De 
L'Omelette  placed  his  hand  upon  his  heart. 

They  play.  The  Due  counts.  The  hand  is  out. 
His  Majesty  counts  heavily,  smiles,  and  is  taking 
wine.     The  Due  slips  a  card. 

"  Cest  a  V071S  a  faire^'''  said  His  Majesty,  cutting. 
His  Grace  bowed,  dealt,  and  arose  from  the  table  en 
presentant  le  Roi. 

7 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND   CAPRICE 

His  Majesty  looked  chagrined. 

Had  Alexander  not  been  Alexander,  he  would  have 
been  Diogenes ;  and  the  Due  assured  his  antagonist 
in  taking  leave,  "  que  sHl  tCeftt  pas  ete  De  L  Omelette  il 
tC aur ait  point  eu  d' objection  a  etre  le  Diable.'" 


LIONIZING 

...  all  people  went 
Upon  their  ten  toes  in  wild  wonderment. 

Bishop  Hall  :  Satires. 

1  AM — that  is  to  say,  I  was  —  a  great  man;  but  I 
am  neither  the  author  of  Junius  nor  the  man  in  the 
mask ;  for  my  name,  I  believe,  is  Robert  Jones,  and 
I  was  born  somewhere  in  the  city  of  Fum-Fudge. 

The  first  action  of  my  hfe  was  the  taking  hold  of 
my  nose  with  both  hands.  My  mother  saw  this  and 
called  me  a  genius ;  my  father  wept  for  joy  and  pre- 
sented me  with  a  treatise  on  Nosology.  This  I 
mastered  before  I  was  breeched. 

I  now  began  to  feel  my  way  in  the  science,  and 
soon  came  to  understand  that,  provided  a  man  had  a 
nose  sufficiently  conspicuous,  he  might,  by  merely 
following  it,  arrive  at  a  Lionship.  But  my  attention 
was  not  confined  to  theories  alone.  Every  morning 
I  gave  my  proboscis  a  couple  of  pulls  and  swallowed 
a  half  dozen  of  drams. 

When  I  came  of  age  my  father  asked  me,  one  day, 
if  I  would  step  with  him  into  his  study. 

"  My  son,"  said  he,  when  we  were  seated,  "  what  is 
the  chief  end  of  your  existence  ?  " 

"My  father,"  I  answered,  "it  is  the  study  of 
Nosology." 

"  And  what,  Robert,"  he  inquired,  "  is  Nosology  ?  " 
9 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

"  Sir,"  I  said,  "  it  is  the  Science  of  Noses." 
"  And  can  you  tell  me,"  he  demanded,  "  what  is  the 
meaning  of  a  nose  ?  " 

"  A  nose,  my  father,"  I  replied,  greatly  softened, 
"has  been  variously  defined  by  about  a  thousand 
different  authors."  (Here  I  pulled  out  my  watch.) 
"  It  is  now  noon  or  thereabouts  —  we  shall  have  time 
enough  to  get  through  with  them  all  before  midnight. 
To  commence  then  :  —  the  nose,  according  to  Bar- 
tholinus,  is  that  protuberance  —  that  bump  —  that 
excrescence  —  that  —  " 

"  Will  do,  Robert,"  interrupted  the  good  old  gen- 
tleman. "  I  am  thunderstruck  at  the  extent  of 
your  information  —  I  am  positively  —  upon  my  soul." 
(Here  he  closed  his  eyes  and  placed  his  hand  upon 
his  heart.)  "  Come  here  !  "  (Here  he  took  me  by  the 
arm.)  "  Your  education  may  now  be  considered  as 
finished  —  it  is  high  time  you  should  scuffle  for  your- 
self —  and  you  cannot  do  a  better  thing  than  merely 
follow  your  nose  —  so  —  so  —  so  —  "  (here  he  kicked 
me  downstairs  and  out  of  the  door)  —  "  so  get  out  of 
my  house,  and  God  bless  you !  " 

As  I  felt  within  me  the  divine  afflatus^  I  consid- 
ered this  accident  rather  fortunate  than  otherwise.  I 
resolved  to  be  guided  by  the  paternal  advice.  I  deter- 
mined to  follow  my  nose.  I  gave  it  a  pull  or  two 
upon  the  spot,  and  wrote  a  pamphlet  on  Nosology 
forthwith. 

All  Fum-Fudge  was  in  an  uproar. 

"  Wonderful  genius  !  "  said  the  "  Quarterly." 

"  Superb  physiologist !  "  said  the  "  Westminster." 

"  Clever  fellow  !  "  said  the  "  Foreign." 

"  Fine  writer  !  "  said  the  "  Edinburgh." 

"  Profound  thinker  !  "  said  the  "  Dublin." 

10 


LIONIZING 

"  Great  man  !  "  said  Bentley. 

"  Divine  sonl !  "  said  Fraser. 

"  One  of  us  !  "  said  Blackwood. 

"  Who  can  he  be  ?  "  said  Mrs.  Bas-Bleu. 

"  What  can  he  be  ?  "  said  big  Miss  Bas-Bleu. 

"  Where  can  he  be  ?  "  said  little  Miss  Bas-Bleu. 
—  But  I  paid  these  people  no  attention  whatever  —  I 
just  stepped  into  the  shop  of  an  artist. 

The  Duchess  of  Bless-my-Soul  was  sitting  for  her 
portrait ;  the  Marquis  of  So-and-So  was  holding  the 
Duchess's  poodle;  the  Earl  of  This-and-That  was 
flirting  with  her  salts ;  and  His  Royal  Highness  of 
Touch-me-Not  was  leaning  upon  the  back  of  her  chair. 

I  approached  the  artist  and  turned  up  my  nose. 

"  Oh,  beautiful !  "  sighed  her  Grace. 

"  Oh  my  !  "  lisped  the  Marquis. 

"  Oh,  shocking  !  "  groaned  the  Earl. 

"  Oh,  abominable  !  "  growled  His  Royal  Highness. 

"  What  will  you  take  for  it  ? "  asked  the  artist. 

"  For  his  nose  /  "'  shouted  her  Grace. 

"  A  thousand  pounds,"  said  I,  sitting  down. 

"A  thousand  pounds  ?  "  inquired  the  artist,  musingly. 

"  A  thousand  pounds,"  said  I. 

"  Beautiful !  "  said  he,  entranced. 

"A  thousand  pounds,"  said  I. 

"  Do  you  warrant  it  ?  "  he  asked,  turning  the  nose  to 
the  light. 

"  I  do,"  said  I,  blowing  it  well. 

"  Is  it  gui^e  original?  "  he  inquired,  touching  it  with 
reverence. 

"  Humph  !  "  said  I,  twisting  it  to  one  side. 

"  Has  no  copy  been  taken  ?  "  he  demanded,  survey- 
ing it  through  a  microscope. 

"  None,"  said  I,  turning  it  up. 
II 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

^^  Admirable  r''  he  ejaculated,  thrown  quite  o£E  his 
guard  by  the  beauty  of  the  mancEuvre. 

"  A  thousand  pounds,"  said  I. 

"  A  thousand  pounds  ?  "  said  he. 

"Precisely,"  said  I. 

"  A  thousand  pounds  ?  "  said  he. 

"  Just  so,"  said  I. 

"  You  shall  have  them,"  said  he.  "  What  a  piece 
of  virtti'  /  "  So  he  drew  me  a  check  upon  the  spot, 
and  took  a  sketch  of  my  nose.  I  engaged  rooms  in 
Jermyn  Street,  and  sent  Her  Majesty  the  ninety-ninth 
edition  of  the  "  Nosology,"  with  a  portrait  of  the 
proboscis. 

That  sad  little  rake,  the  Prince  of  Wales,  invited 
me  to  dinner. 

We  were  all  lions  and  recherches. 

There  was  a  modern  Platonist.  He  quoted  Por- 
phyry, lamblicus,  Plotinus,  Proclus,  Hierocles,  Maxi- 
mus  Tyrius,  and  Syrianus. 

There  was  a  human-perfectibility  man.  He  quoted 
Turgot,  Price,  Priestley,  Condorcet,  De  Stael,  and  the 
"  Ambitious  Student  in  111  Health." 

There  was  Sir  Positive  Paradox.  He  observed  that 
all  fools  were  philosophers,  and  that  all  philosophers 
were  fools. 

There  was  yEstheticus  Ethix.  He  spoke  of  fire, 
unity,  and  atoms  ;  bi-part  and  pre-existent  soul ;  affinity 
and  discord ;  primitive  intelligence  and  homoomeria. 

There  was  Theologos  Theology.  He  talked  of 
Eusebius  and  Arius ;  heresy  and  the  Council  of  Nice ; 
Puseyism  and  consubstantialism ;  Homoousion  and 
Homooiousion. 

There  was  Fricassee  from  the  Rocher  de  Cancale. 
He  mentioned  Muriton  of  red  tongue;  cauliflowers  with 

12 


LIONIZING 

velouti  sauce ;  veal  ci  la  St.  Menehoultj  marinade  cL 
la  St.  Florentinj  and  orange  jellies  en  mosaique. 

There  was  Bibulus  O'Bumper.  He  touched  upon 
Latour  and  Marcobriinnen ;  upon  Mousseux  and 
Chambertin;  upon  Richebourg  and  St.  George;  upon 
Haubrion,  L^oville,  and  Mddoc ;  upon  Barac  and 
Preignac  ;  upon  Graves,  upon  Sauterne,  upon  Lafitte, 
and  upon  St.  Peray.  He  shook  his  head  at  Clos  de 
Vougeot,  and  told,  with  his  eyes  shut,  the  difference 
between  Sherry  and  Amontillado. 

There  was  Signor  Tintontintino  from  Florence.  He 
discoursed  of  Cimabue,  Arpino,  Carpaccio,  and  Agos- 
tino  —  of  the  gloom  of  Caravaggio,  of  the  amenity  of 
Albani,  of  the  colors  of  Titian,  of  the  vrouws  of 
Rubens,  and  of  the  waggeries  of  Jan  Steen. 

There  was  the  President  of  the  Fum-Fudge  Univer- 
sity. He  was  of  opinion  that  the  moon  was  called 
Bendis  in  Thrace,  Bubastis  in  Egypt,  Dian  in  Rome, 
and  Artemis  in  Greece. 

There  was  a  Grand  Turk  from  Stamboul.  He  could 
not  help  thinking  that  the  angels  were  horses,  cocks, 
and  bulls;  that  somebody  in  the  sixth  heaven  had 
seventy  thousand  heads  ;  and  that  the  earth  was  sup- 
ported by  a  sky-blue  cow  with  an  incalculable  number 
of  green  horns. 

There  was  Delphinus  Polyglott.  He  told  us  what 
had  become  of  the  eighty-three  lost  tragedies  of 
^schylus ;  of  the  fifty-four  orations  of  Isaeus ;  of  the 
three  hundred  and  ninety-one  speeches  of  Lysias ;  of 
the  hundred  and  eighty  treatises  of  Theophrastus ; 
of  the  eighth  book  of  the  conic  sections  of  ApoUonius  ; 
of  Pindar's  hymns  and  dithyrambics ;  and  of  the  five 
and  forty  tragedies  of  Homer  Junior. 

There  was  Ferdinand  Fitz-Fossillus  Feldspar.  He 
13 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

informed  us  all  about  internal  fires  and  tertiary  forma- 
tions ;  about  aeriforms,  fluidforms,  and  solidiforms ; 
about  quartz  and  marl ;  about  schist  and  schorl ;  about 
gypsum  and  trap ;  about  talc  and  calc ;  about  blende 
and  hornblende  ;  about  mica-slate  and  pudding-stone ; 
about  cyanite  and  lepidolite ;  about  haematite  and 
tremolite ;  about  antimony  and  chalcedony ;  about 
manganese  and  whatever  you  please. 

There  was  myself.  I  spoke  of  myself ;  —  of  myself, 
of  myself,  of  myself ;  —  of  Nosology,  of  my  pamphlet, 
and  of  myself.  I  turned  up  my  nose,  and  spoke  of 
myself. 

"  Marvellous  clever  man  !  "  said  the  Prince. 

"  Superb  !  "  said  his  guests  ;  and  next  morning  her 
Grace  of  Bless-my-Soul  paid  me  a  visit. 

"  Will  you  go  to  Almack's,  pretty  creature  ? "  she 
said,  tapping  me  under  the  chin. 

"  Upon  honor,"  said  I. 

"  Nose  and  all  ?  "  she  asked. 

"As  I  live,"  I  replied. 

"  Here  then  is  a  card,  my  life.  Shall  I  say  you  ivi/i 
be  there?" 

"  Dear  Duchess,  with  all  my  heart." 

"  Pshaw,  no  !  —  but  with  all  your  nose  ?  " 

"  Every  bit  of  it,  my  love,"  said  I ;  so  I  gave  it  a 
twist  or  two,  and  found  myself  at  Almack's. 

The  rooms  were  crowded  to  suffocation. 

"  He  is  coming  !  "  said  somebody  on  the  staircase. 

"  He  is  coming  !  "  said  somebody  farther  up. 

"  He  is  coming  !  "  said  somebody  farther  still. 

"  He  is  come  !  "  exclaimed  the  Duchess.  "  He  is 
come,  the  little  love  ! "  —  and,  seizing  me  firmly  by 
both  hands,  she  kissed  me  thrice  upon  the  nose. 

A  marked  sensation  immediately  ensued. 
14 


LIONIZING 

"  Diavolo  !  "  cried  Count  Capricornutti. 

"  Dios guarda  /  "  muttered  Don  Stiletto. 

"  Mille  tonnerres  I  "  ejaculated  the  Prince  de 
Grenouille. 

'•^  Tausend  TeufelT^  growled  the  Elector  of  Blud- 
dennuff. 

It  was  not  to  be  borne.  I  grew  angry.  I  turned 
short  upon  Bluddennuff. 

"  Sir !  "  said  I  to  him,  "  you  are  a  baboon." 

"  Sir,"  he  replied,  after  a  pause,  "  Donner  und 
Blitzen  /  " 

This  was  all  that  could  be  desired.  We  exchanged 
cards.  At  Chalk-Farm,  the  next  morning,  I  shot  off 
his  nose  —  and  then  called  upon  my  friends. 

"  Bete  I "  said  the  first. 

"  Fool !  "  said  the  second. 

"  Dolt !  "  said  the  third. 

"  Ass  !  "  said  the  fourth. 

«  Ninny !  "  said  the  fifth. 

«  Noodle  !  "  said  the  sixth. 

"  Be  off !  "  said  the  seventh. 

At  all  this  I  felt  mortified,  and  so  called  upon  my 
father. 

"  Father,"  I  asked,  "  what  is  the  chief  end  of  my 
existence  ? " 

"  My  son,"  he  rephed,  "  it  is  still  the  study  of  Nosol- 
ogy ;  but  in  hitting  the  Elector  upon  the  nose  you  have 
overshot  your  mark.  You  have  a  fine  nose,  it  is  true  ; 
but  then  Bluddennuff  has  none.  You  are  damned, 
and  he  has  become  the  hero  of  the  day.  I  grant  you 
that  in  Fum-Fudge  the  greatness  of  a  lion  is  in  pro- 
portion to  the  size  of  his  proboscis  —  but,  good 
heavens !  there  is  no  competing  with  a  lion  who  has 
no  proboscis  at  all." 

15 


A    TALE    OF    JERUSALEM 


Intonsos  rigidam  in  frontem  descendere  canos 
Passus  erat. 

Luc  AN  :  Pharsalia^  ii.  375-6. 

...  a  bristly  bore. 

Translation. 


L] 


^ET  us  hurry  to  the  walls,"  said  Abel-Phittim  to 
Buzi-Ben-Levi  and  Simeon  the  Pharisee,  on  the  tenth 
day  of  the  month  Thammuz,  in  the  year  of  the  world 
three  thousand  nine  hundred  and  forty-one  —  "  let  us 
hasten  to  the  ramparts  adjoining  the  gates  of  Benja- 
min, which  is  in  the  city  of  David,  and  overlooking 
the  camp  of  the  uncircumcised  ;  for  it  is  the  last  hour 
of  the  fourth  watch,  being  sunrise ;  and  the  idolaters, 
in  fulfilment  of  the  promise  of  Pompey,  should  be 
awaiting  us  with  the  lambs  for  the  sacrifices." 

Simeon,  Abel-Phittim,  and  Buzi-Ben-Levi,  were  the 
Gizbarim,  or  sub-collectors  of  the  offering,  in  the  holy 
city  of  Jerusalem. 

"  Verily,"  replied  the  Pharisee,  "  let  us  hasten,  for 
this  generosity  in  the  heathen  is  unwonted ;  and  fickle- 
mindedness  has  ever  been  an  attribute  of  the  worship- 
pers of  Baal." 

"  That  they  are  fickle-minded  and  treacherous  is  as 
true  as  the  Pentateuch,"  said  Buzi-Ben-Levi,  "but 
that  is  only  towards  the  people  of  Adonai.  When 
was  it  ever  known  that  the  Ammonites  proved  want- 
ing to  their  own  interests  ?  Methinks  it  is  no  great 
16 


A   TALE   OF   JERUSALEM 

Stretch  of  generosity  to  allow  us  lambs  for  the  altar  of 
the  Lord,  receiving  in  lieu  thereof  thirty  silver  shekels 
per  head ! " 

"  Thou  forgettest,  however,  Ben-Levi,"  replied  Abel- 
Phittim,  "that  the  Roman  Pompey,  who  is  now 
impiously  besieging  the  city  of  the  Most  High,  has  no 
assurity  that  we  apply  not  the  lambs  thus  purchased 
for  the  altar  to  the  sustenance  of  the  body  rather 
than  of  the  spirit." 

"  Now,  by  the  five  corners  of  my  beard,"  shouted 
the  Pharisee,  who  belonged  to  the  sect  called  "  The 
Dashers  "  (that  little  knot  of  saints  whose  manner  of 
dashing  and  lacerating  the  feet  against  the  pavement 
was  long  a  thorn  and  a  reproach  to  less  zealous 
devotees  —  a  stumbling-block  to  less  gifted  perambu- 
lators) —  "  by  the  five  corners  of  that  beard  which  as 
a  priest  I  am  forbidden  to  shave! — have  we  hved  to 
see  the  day  when  a  blaspheming  and  idolatrous 
upstart  of  Rome  shall  accuse  us  of  appropriating  to 
the  appetites  of  the  flesh  the  most  holy  and  conse- 
crated elements  ?  Have  we  lived  to  see  the  day 
when  —  " 

"  Let  us  not  question  the  motives  of  the  Philistine," 
interrupted  Abel-Phittim,  "  for  to-day  we  profit  for  the 
first  time  by  his  avarice  or  by  his  generosity;  but 
rather  let  us  hurry  to  the  ramparts,  lest  offerings 
should  be  wanting  for  that  altar  whose  fire  the  rains 
of  heaven  cannot  extinguish,  and  whose  pillars  of 
smoke  no  tempest  can  turn  aside." 

That  part  of  the  city  to  which  our  worthy  Gizbarim 
now  hastened,  and  which  bore  the  name  of  its  architect 
King  David,  was  esteemed  the  most  strongly  fortified 
district  of  Jerusalem,  being  situated  upon  the  steep 
and  lofty  hill  of  Zion.  Here  a  broad,  deep  circum- 
voL.  IV. —  2  17 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

vallatory  trench,  hewn  from  the  solid  rock,  was  de- 
fended by  a  wall  of  great  strength  erected  upon  its  inner 
edge.  This  wall  was  adorned,  at  regular  interspaces, 
by  square  towers  of  white  marble  ;  the  lowest  sixty,  and 
the  highest  one  hundred  ?.nd  twenty  cubits  in  height. 
But,  in  the  vicinity  of  the  gate  of  Benjamin,  the  wall 
arose  by  no  means  from  the  margin  of  the  fosse.  On 
the  contrary,  between  the  level  of  the  ditch  and  the 
basement  of  the  rampart,  sprang  up  a  perpendicular 
cliff  of  two  hundred  and  fifty  cubits,  forming  part  of 
the  precipitous  IMount  Moriah.  So  that  when  Simeon 
and  his  associates  arrived  on  the  summit  of  the  tower 
called  Adoni-Bezek  —  the  loftiest  of  all  the  turrets 
around  about  Jerusalem,  and  the  usual  place  of  con- 
ference with  the  besieging  army  —  they  looked  down 
upon  the  camp  of  the  enemy  from  an  eminence  excel- 
ling, by  many  feet,  that  of  the  Pyramid  of  Cheops, 
and,  by  several,  that  of  the  temple  of  Belus. 

"  Verily,"  sighed  the  Pharisee,  as  he  peered  dizzily 
over  the  precipice,  "the  uncircumcised  are  as  the 
sands  by  the  sea-shore  —  as  the  locusts  in  the  wilder- 
ness !  The  valley  of  The  King  hath  become  the 
valley  of  Adommin." 

"  And  yet,"  added  Ben-Levi,  "  thou  canst  not  point 
me  out  a  Philistine  —  no,  not  one  —  from  Aleph  to 
Tau  —  from  the  wilderness  to  the  battlements  —  who 
seemeth  any  bigger  than  the  letter  Jod  !  " 

"  Lower  away  the  basket  with  the  shekels  of  silver !  " 
here  shouted  a  Roman  soldier  in  a  hoarse,  rough  voice, 
which  appeared  to  issue  from  the  regions  of  Pluto  — 
"lower  away  the  basket  with  the  accursed  coin  which 
it  has  broken  the  jaw  of  a  noble  Roman  to  pronounce ! 
Is  it  thus  you  evince  your  gratitude  to  our  master 
Pompeius,  who,  in  his  condescension,  has  thought  fit 
i8 


A   TALE   OF   JERUSALEM 

to  listen  to  your  idolatrous  importunities  ?  The  god 
Phoebus,  who  is  a  true  god,  has  been  charioted  for  an 
hour  —  and  were  you  not  to  be  on  the  ramparts  by 
sunrise  ?  y^depol !  do  you  think  that  we,  the  con- 
querors of  the  world,  have  nothing  better  to  do  than 
stand  waiting  by  the  walls  of  every  kennel,  to  traffic 
with  the  dogs  of  the  earth  ?  Lower  away !  I  say  — 
and  see  that  your  trumpery  be  bright  in  color,  and 
just  in  weight !  " 

"  El  Elohim  !  "  ejaculated  the  Pharisee,  as  the  dis- 
cordant tones  of  the  centurion  rattled  up  the  crags 
of  the  precipice,  and  fainted  away  against  the  temple 

—  "  El  Elohim  !  who  is  the  god  Phoebus  ?  whom 
doth  the  blasphemer  invoke  ?  Thou,  Buzi-Ben-Levi, 
who  art  read  in  the  laws  of  the  Gentiles,  and  hast 
sojourned  among  them  who  dabble  with  the  Teraphim  ! 

—  is  it  Nergal  of  whom  the  idolater  speaketh  ?  —  or 
Ashimah  ?  —  or  Nibhaz  ?  —  or  Tartak  ?  —  or  Adrama- 
lech  ?  —  or  Anamalech  ?  —  or  Succoth-Benith  ?  —  or 
Dagon?  —  or  Belial?  —  or  Baal-Perith?  —  or  Baal- 
Peor  ?  —  or  Baal-Zebub  ? " 

"  Verily  it  is  neither  —  but  beware  how  thou  lettest 
the  rope  slip  too  rapidly  through  thy  fingers ;  for, 
should  the  wicker-work  chance  to  hang  on  the  pro- 
jection of  yonder  crag,  there  will  be  a  woful  out- 
pouring of  the  holy  things  of  the  sanctuary." 

By  the  assistance  of  some  rudely  constructed 
machinery,  the  heavily  laden  basket  was  now  carefully 
lowered  down  among  the  multitude  ;  and,  from  the 
giddy  pinnacle,  the  Romans  were  seen  gathering  con- 
fusedly round  it ;  but,  owing  to  the  vast  height  and 
the  prevalence  of  a  fog,  no  distinct  view  of  their 
operations  could  be  obtained. 

Half  an  hour  had  already  elapsed. 
19 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

"  We  shall  be  too  late,"  sighed  the  Pharisee,  as  at 
the  expiration  of  this  period,  he  looked  over  into  the 
abyss  —  "  we  shall  be  too  late  !  we  shall  be  turned 
out  of  office  by  the  Katholim." 

"  No  more,"  responded  Abel-Phittim,  "  no  more 
shall  we  feast  upon  the  fat  of  the  land;  no  longer 
shall  our  beards  be  odorous  with  frankincense  —  our 
loins  girded  up  with  fine  linen  from  the  Temple." 

"  Raca ! "  swore  Ben-Levi,  "  Raca !  do  they  mean  to 
defraud  us  of  the  purchase-money  ?  or,  Holy  Moses ! 
are  they  weighing  the  shekels  of  the  tabernacle  ?  " 

"  They  have  given  the  signal  at  last,"  cried  the 
Pharisee,  "  they  have  given  the  signal  at  last  —  pull 
away,  Abel-Phittim  !  —  and  thou,  Buzi-Ben-Levi,  pull 
away  !  —  for  verily  the  Philistines  have  either  still 
hold  upon  the  basket,  or  the  Lord  hath  softened  their 
hearts  to  place  therein  a  beast  of  good  weight ! "  And 
the  Gizbarim  pulled  away,  while  their  burden  swung 
heavily  upwards  through  the  still  increasing  mist. 

"  Booshoh  he  !  "  —  as,  at  the  conclusion  of  an  hour, 
some  object  at  the  extremity  of  the  rope  became  in- 
distinctly visible  —  "  Booshoh  he  !  "  was  the  excla- 
mation which  burst  from  the  lips  of  Ben-Levi. 

"  Booshoh  he  !  —  for  shame  !  —  it  is  a  ram  from  the 
thickets  of  Engedi,  and  as  rugged  as  the  valley  of 
Jehoshaphat ! " 

"  It  is  a  firstling  of  the  flock,"  said  Abel-Phittim, 
"  I  know  him  by  the  bleating  of  his  lips,  and  the  in- 
nocent folding  of  his  limbs.  His  eyes  are  more  beau- 
tiful than  the  jewels  of  the  Pectoral,  and  his  flesh  is 
like  the  honey  of  Hebron." 

"  It  is  a  fatted  calf  from  the  pastures  of  Bashan," 
said  the  Pharisee,  "  the  heathen  have  dealt  wonder- 
20 


A   TALE   OF   JERUSALEM 

fully  with  US  !  let  us  raise  up  our  voices  in  a  psalm ! 
let  us  give  thanks  on  the  shawm  and  on  the  psaltery 
—  on  the  harp  and  on  the  huggab  —  on  the  cythern 
and  on  the  sackbut !  " 

It  was  not  until  the  basket  had  arrived  within  a 
few  feet  of  the  Gizbarim,  that  a  low  grunt  betrayed 
to  their  perception  a  hog  of  no  common  size. 

"  Now  El  Emanu ! "  slowly,  and  with  upturned 
eyes,  ejaculated  the  trio,  as,  letting  go  their  hold,  the 
emancipated  porker  tumbled  headlong  among  the 
Philistines,  "  El  Emanu  !  —  God  be  with  us  —  it  is 
the  unutterable  Jiesh  /  " 


21 


BON-BON 

Quand  un  bon  vin  meuble  mon  estomac, 

Je  suis  plus  savant  que  Balzac  — 

Plus  sage  que  Pibrac  ; 

Mon  bras  seul  faisant  I'attaque 

De  la  nation  cossaque, 

La  mettroit  au  sac  ; 

De  Charon  je  passerois  le  lac 

En  dormant  dans  son  bac  ; 

J'irois  au  fier  Eac, 

Sans  que  mon  ccEur  fit  tic  ni  tac, 

Presenter  du  tabac. 

French  Vaudeville. 

JL  HAT  Pierre  Bon-Bon  was  a  restaurateur  of   un- 
common qualifications,  no  man  who,  during  the  reign 

of  ,  frequented   the  little   cafe  in  the  cul-de-sac 

Le  Febvre  at  Rouen,  will,  I  imagine,  feel  himself  at 
liberty  to  dispute.  That  Pierre  Bon-Bon  was,  in  an 
equal  degree,  skilled  in  the  philosophy  of  that  period 
is,  I  presume,  still  more  especially  undeniable.  His 
pates  a  la  fois  were  beyond  doubt  immaculate ;  but 
what  pen  can  do  justice  to  his  essays  sur  la  nattire  — 
his  thoughts  sur  Vdme  —  his  observations  sur  V esprit  f 
If  his  07nelettes  —  if  hisfricafideattx  were  inestimable, 
what  litterateur  of  that  day  would  not  have  given 
twice  as  much  for  an  "  Idee  de  Bon-Bon  "  as  for  all  the 
trash  of  all  the  ^^ /dees'"  of  all  the  rest  of  the  savants? 
Bon-Bon  had  ransacked  libraries  which  no  other  man 


BON-BON 

had  ransacked,  had  read  more  than  any  other  would 
have  entertained  a  notion  of  reading,  had  understood 
more  than  any  other  would  have  conceived  the  possi- 
bility of  understanding ;  and  although,  while  he  flour- 
ished, there  were  not  wanting  some  authors  at  Rouen 
to  assert  that  "  his  dicta  evinced  neither  the  purity 
of  the  Academy,  nor  the  depth  of  the  Lyceum  "  — 
although,  mark  me,  his  doctrines  were  by  no  means 
very  generally  comprehended,  still  it  did  not  foUov/ 
that  they  were  difficult  of  comprehension.  It  was,  I 
think,  on  account  of  their  self-evidency  that  many 
persons  were  led  to  consider  them  abstruse.  It  is  to 
Bon-Bon  —  but  let  this  go  no  farther  —  it  is  to  Bon- 
Bon  that  Kant  himself  is  mainly  indebted  for  his 
metaphysics.  The  former  was  indeed  not  a  Platonist, 
nor  strictly  speaking  an  Aristotelian  ;  nor  did  he,  Uke 
the  modern  Leibnitz,  waste  those  precious  hours  v/hich 
might  be  employed  in  the  invention  of  2.  fricassee,  or, 
facili  g?'adu,  the  analysis  of  a  sensation,  in  frivolous 
attempts  at  reconciling  the  obstinate  oils  and  waters 
of  ethical  discussion.    Not  at  all.    Bon-Bon  was  Ionic 

—  Bon-Bon  was  equally  Italic.     He  reasoned  a  priori 

—  he  reasoned  also  a  posteriori.  His  ideas  were 
innate  —  or  otherwise.  He  believed  in  George  of 
Trebizond  —  he  believed  in  Bossarion.  Bon-Bon 
was  emphatically  a  —  Bon-Bonist. 

I  have  spoken  of  the  philosopher  in  his  capacity 
of  restaurateur.  I  would  not,  however,  have  any 
friend  of  mine  imagine  that,  in  fulfilling  his  hereditary 
duties  in  that  line,  our  hero  wanted  a  proper  estima- 
tion of  their  dignity  and  importance.  Far  from  it. 
It  was  impossible  to  say  in  which  branch  of  liis  pro- 
fession he  took  the  greater  pride.  In  his  opinion 
the  pov/ers  of  the  intellect  held  intimate  connection 
23 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

with  the  capabilities  of  the  stomach.  I  am  not  sure, 
indeed,  that  he  greatly  disagreed  with  the  Chinese, 
who  hold  that  the  soul  lies  in  the  abdomen.  The 
Greeks  at  all  events  were  right,  he  thought,  who 
employed  the  same  word  for  the  mind  and  the  dia- 
phragm.i  By  this  I  do  not  mean  to  insinuate  a 
charge  of  gluttony,  or  indeed  any  other  serious  charge 
to  the  prejudice  of  the  metaphysician.  If  Pierre 
Bon-Bon  had  his  failings  —  and  what  great  man  has 
not  a  thousand  ?  —  if  Pierre  Bon-Bon,  I  say,  had  his 
failings,  they  were  failings  of  very  little  importance : 
faults  indeed  which,  in  other  tempers,  have  often 
been  looked  upon  rather  in  the  light  of  virtues.  As 
regards  one  of  these  foibles,  I  should  not  even  have 
mentioned  it  in  this  history  but  for  the  remarkable 
prominency,  the  extreme  alto  relievo^  in  which  it 
jutted  out  from  the  plane  of  his  general  disposition. 
He  could  never  let  slip  an  opportunity  of  making  a 
bargain. 

Not  that  he  was  avaricious  —  no.  It  was  by  no 
means  necessary  to  the  satisfaction  of  the  philosopher 
that  the  bargain  should  be  to  his  own  proper  advan. 
tage.  Provided  a  trade  could  be  effected  —  a  trade  of 
any  kind,  upon  any  terms,  or  under  any  circumstances 
—  a  triumphant  smile  was  seen  for  many  days 
thereafter  to  enlighten  his  countenance,  and  a  know- 
ing wink  of  the  eye  to  give  evidence  of  his  sagacity. 

At  any  epoch  it  would  not  be  very  wonderful  if 
a  humor,  so  peculiar  as  the  one  I  have  just  mentioned, 
should  elicit  attention  and  remark.  At  the  epoch  of 
our  narrative,  had  this  peculiarity  7iot  attracted  ob- 
servation, there  would  have  been  room  for  wonder 
indeed.     It  was  soon  reported   that,  upon   all  occa- 

1  (ppeves. 
24 


BON-BON 

sions  of  the  kind,  the  smile  of  Bon-Bon  was  wont 
to  differ  widely  from  the  downright  grin  with  which 
he  would  laugh  at  his  own  jokes  or  welcome  an 
acquaintance.  Hints  were  thrown  out  of  an  exciting 
nature ;  stories  were  told  of  perilous  bargains  made 
in  a  hurry  and  repented  of  at  leisure ;  and  instances 
were  adduced  of  unaccountable  capacities,  vague 
longings,  and  unnatural  incHnations  implanted  by 
the  author  of  all  evil  for  wise  purposes  of  his  own. 

The  philosopher  had  other  weaknesses  —  but  they 
are  scarcely  worthy  our  serious  examination.  For 
example,  there  are  few  men  of  extraordinary  pro- 
fundity who  are  found  wanting  in  an  inclination  for 
the  bottle.  Whether  this  inclination  be  an  exciting 
cause,  or  rather  a  valid  proof,  of  such  profundity, 
it  is  a  nice  thing  to  say.  Bon-Bon,  as  far  as  I  can 
learn,  did  not  think  the  subject  adapted  to  minute 
investigation;  —  nor  do  I.  Yet  in  the  indulgence 
of  a  propensity  so  truly  classical,  it  is  not  to  be  sup- 
posed that  the  7'estam'ate7ir  would  lose  sight  of  that 
intuitive  discrimination  which  was  wont  to  character- 
ize, at  one  and  the  same  time,  his  ess'  is  and  his 
omelettes.  In  his  seclusions  the  Vin  de  Bourgogne 
had  its  allotted  hour,  and  there  were  appropriate 
moments  for  the  Cotes  du  Rhone.  With  him  Sauterne 
was  to  Medoc  what  Catullus  was  to  Homer.  He 
would  sport  with  a  syllogism  in  sipping  St.  Peray, 
but  unravel  an  argument  over  Clos  de  Vougeot,  and 
upset  a  theory  in  a  torrent  of  Chambertin.  Well 
had  it  been  if  the  same  quick  sense  of  propriety  had 
attended  him  in  the  peddling  propensity  to  which 
I  have  formerly  alluded ;  but  this  was  by  no  means 
the  case.  Indeed,  to  say  the  truth,  that  trait  of 
mind  in  the  philosophic  Bon-Bon  did  begin  at  length 
25 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

to  assume  a  character  of  strange  intensity  and  mysti- 
cism, and  appeared  deeply  tinctured  with  the  diablerie 
of  his  favorite  German  studies. 

To  enter  the  little  cafe  in  the  cul-de-sac  Le  Febvre 
was,  at  the  period  of  our  tale,  to  enter  the  sanctiwz 
of  a  man  of  genius.  Bon-Bon  was  a  man  of  genius. 
There  was  not  a  sous-cuisitiier  in  Rouen  who  could 
not  have  told  you  that  Bon-Bon  was  a  man  of  genius. 
His  very  cat  knew  it,  and  forbore  to  whisk  her  tail 
in  the  presence  of  the  man  of  genius.  His  large 
water-dog  was  acquainted  with  the  fact,  and,  upon 
the  approach  of  his  master,  betrayed  his  sense  of 
inferiority  by  a  sanctity  of  deportment,  a  debasement 
of  the  ears,  and  a  dropping  of  the  lower  jaw,  not 
altogether  unworthy  of  a  dog.  It  is,  however,  true 
that  much  of  this  habitual  respect  might  have  been 
attributed  to  the  personal  appearance  of  the  meta- 
physician. A  distinguished  exterior  will,  I  am  con- 
strained to  say,  have  its  weight  even  with  a  beast; 
and  I  am  willing  to  allow  much  in  the  outward  man 
of  the  restaiD'ateur  calculated  to  impress  the  imagina- 
tion of  the  quadruped.  There  is  a  peculiar  majesty 
about  the  atmosphere  of  the  Httle  great  —  if  I  may 
be  permitted  so  equivocal  an  expression  —  which 
mere  physical  bulk  alone  will  be  found  at  all  times 
inefficient  in  creating.  If,  however,  Bon-Bon  was 
barely  three  feet  in  height,  and  if  his  head  was 
diminutively  small,  still  it  was  impossible  to  behold 
the  rotundity  of  his  stomach  without  a  sense  of 
magnificence  nearly  bordering  upon  the  sublime.  In 
its  size  both  dogs  and  men  must  have  seen  a  type 
of  his  acquirements  ;  in  its  immensity  a  fitting  habi- 
tation for  his  immortal  soul. 

I  might  here,  if  it  so  pleased  me,  dilate  upon  the 
26 


BON-BON 

matter  of  habiliment,  and  other  mere  circumstances 
of  the  external  metaphysician.  I  might  hint  that 
the  hair  of  our  hero  was  worn  short,  combed  smoothly 
over  his  forehead,  and  surmounted  by  a  conical- 
shaped  white  flannel  cap  and  tassels;  that  his  pea- 
green  jerkin  was  not  after  the  fashion  of  those  worn 
by  the  common  class  of  restaurateurs  at  that  day ; 
that  the  sleeves  v/ere  something  fuller  than  the  reign- 
ing costume  permitted ;  that  the  cuffs  were  turned 
up,  not,  as  usual  in  that  barbarous  period,  with  cloth 
of  the  same  quahty  and  color  as  the  garment,  but 
faced  in  a  more  fanciful  manner  with  the  party-colored 
velvet  of  Genoa;  that  his  shppers  were  of  a  bright 
purple,  curiously  filigreed,  and  might  have  been 
manufactured  in  Japan,  but  for  the  exquisite  pointing 
of  the  toes,  and  the  brilliant  tints  of  the  binding  and 
embroidery ;  that  his  breeches  were  of  the  yellow 
satin-like  material  called  aimable ;  that  his  sky- 
blue  cloak,  resembling  in  form  a  dressing-wrapper, 
and  richly  bestudded  all  over  with  crimson  devices, 
floated  cavalierly  upon  his  shoulders  hke  a  mist  of 
the  morning ;  and  that  his  tout  ensemble  gave  rise 
to  the  remarkable  words  of  Benevenuta,  the  impro- 
visatrice  of  Florence,  that  "it  was  difficult  to  say 
whether  Pierre  Bon-Bon  was  indeed  a  bird  of  Para- 
dise, or  the  rather  a  very  Paradise  of  perfection."  — 
I  might,  I  say,  expatiate  upon  all  these  points  if  I 
pleased ;  but  I  forbear :  —  merely  personal  details 
may  be  left  to  historical  novehsts ;  they  are  beneath 
the  moral  dignity  of  matter-of-fact. 

I  have  said  that  "  to  enter  the  cafd  in  the  cul-de- 
sac  Le  Febvre  was  to  enter  the  sanctu?n  of  a  man  of 
genius "  — but  then  it  was  only  the   man   of  genius 
who  could  duly  estimate  the  merits  of  the  sa?ictu7n. 
27 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

A  sign,  consisting  of  a  vast  folio,  swung  before  the 
entrance.  On  one  side  of  the  volume  was  painted  a 
bottle  ;  on  the  reverse  a  pate.  On  the  back  were  visi- 
ble in  large  letters  CEuvres  de  Bo7i-Bon.  Thus  was 
delicately  shadowed  forth  the  twofold  occupation  of 
the  proprietor. 

Upon  stepping  over  the  threshold,  the  whole  inte- 
rior of  the  building  presented  itself  to  view.  A  long, 
low-pitched  room,  of  antique  construction,  was  indeed 
all  the  accommodation  afforded  by  the  cafe.  In  a  cor- 
ner of  the  apartment  stood  the  bed  of  the  metaphysi- 
cian. An  array  of  curtains,  together  with  a  canopy  a 
la  Grecque^  gave  it  an  air  at  once  classic  and  comfort- 
able. In  the  corner  diagonally  opposite,  appeared, 
in  direct  family  communion,  the  properties  of  the 
kitchen  and  the  bibliotheque.  A  dish  of  polemics 
stood  peacefully  upon  the  dresser.  Here  lay  an  oven- 
ful  of  the  latest  ethics  —  there  a  kettle  of  duodecimo 
7}ielanges.  Volumes  of  German  morality  were  hand 
and  glove  with  the  gridiron  ;  a  toasting-fork  might  be 
discovered  by  the  side  of  Eusebius ;  Plato  recHned  at 
his  ease  in  the  frying-pan ;  and  contemporary  manu- 
scripts were  filed  away  upon  the  spit. 

In  other  respects  the  Cafe  de  Bon-Bon  might  be 
said  to  differ  little  from  the  usual  restaurants  of  the 
period.  A  large  fireplace  yawned  opposite  the  door. 
On  the  right  of  the  fireplace  an  open  cupboard  dis- 
played a  formidable  array  of  labelled  bottles. 

It  was  here,  about  twelve  o'clock  one  night,  during 

the  severe  winter  of ,  that  Pierre  Bon-Bon,  after 

having  listened  for  some  time  to  the  comments  of  his 
neighbors  upon  his  singular  propensity  —  that  Pierre 
Bon-Bon,  I  say,  having  turned  them  all  out  of  his 
house,  locked  the  door  upon  them  with  an  oath,  and 
28 


BON-BON 

betook  himself  in  no  very  pacific  mood  to  the  com- 
forts of  a  leather-bottomed  arm-chair,  and  a  fire  of 
blazing  fagots. 

It  was  one  of  those  terrific  nights  which  are  only 
met  with  once  or  twice  during  a  century.  It  snowed 
fiercely,  and  the  house  tottered  to  its  centre  with  the 
floods  of  wind  that,  rushing  through  the  crannies  in 
the  wall,  and  pouring  impetuously  down  the  chimney, 
shook  awfully  the  curtains  of  the  philosopher's  bed, 
and  disorganized  the  economy  of  his  /«//-pans  and 
papers.  The  huge  folio  sign  that  swung  without, 
exposed  to  the  fury  of  the  tempest,  creaked  ominously, 
and  gave  out  a  moaning  sound  from  its  stanchions  of 
solid  oak. 

It  was  in  no  placid  temper,  I  say,  that  the  metaphy- 
sician drew  up  his  chair  to  its  customary  station  by 
the  hearth.  Many  circumstances  of  a  perplexing 
nature  had  occurred  during  the  day,  to  disturb  the 
serenity  of  his  meditations.  In  attempting  des  ccnfs 
d  la  Princesse,  he  had  unfortunately  perpetrated  an 
omelette  a  la  Reine j  the  discovery  of  a  principle  in 
ethics  had  been  frustrated  by  the  overturning  of  a 
stew ;  and  last,  not  least,  he  had  been  thwarted  in  one 
of  those  admirable  bargains  which  he  at  all  times 
took  such  especial  delight  in  bringing  to  a  successful 
termination.  But  in  the  chafing  of  his  mind  at  these 
unaccountable  vicissitudes  there  did  not  fail  to  be 
mingled  some  degree  of  that  nervous  anxiety  which 
the  fury  of  a  boisterous  night  is  so  well  calculated  to 
produce.  Whistling  to  his  more  immediate  vicinity 
the  large  black  water-dog  we  have  spoken  of  before, 
and  settling  himself  uneasily  in  his  chair,  he  could  not 
help  casting  a  wary  and  unquiet  eye  towards  those 
distant  recesses  of  the  apartment  whose  inexorable 
29 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

shadows  not  even  the  red  firehght  itself  could  more 
than  partially  succeed  in  overcoming.  Having  com- 
pleted a  scrutiny  whose  exact  purpose  was  perhaps 
unintelligible  to  himself,  he  drew  close  to  his  seat  a 
small  table  covered  with  books  and  papers,  and  soon 
became  absorbed  in  the  task  of  retouching  a  volumi- 
nous manuscript,  intended  for  publication  on  the 
morrow. 

He  had  been  thus  occupied  for  some  minutes,  when 
•'  I  am  in  no  hurry,  Monsieur  Bon-Bon,"  suddenly 
whispered  a  whining  voice  in  the  apartment. 

"  The  devil ! "  ejaculated  our  hero,  starting  to  his 
feet,  overturning  the  table  at  his  side,  and  staring 
around  him  in  astonishment. 

"  Very  true,"  calmly  replied  the  voice. 

"  Very  true  !  —  what  is  very  true  ?  —  how  came  you 
here?"  vociferated  the  metaphysician,  as  his  eye  fell 
upon  something  which  lay  stretched  at  full  length 
upon  the  bed. 

"  I  was  saying,"  said  the  intruder,  without  attend- 
ing to  the  interrogatories,  "  I  was  saying,  that  I  am 
not  at  all  pushed  for  time  —  that  the  business  upon 
which  I  took  the  liberty  of  calling  is  of  no  pressing 
importance  —  in  short,  that  I  can  very  well  wait  until 
you  have  finished  your  '  Exposition.' " 

"My  'Exposition!'  —  there  now!  —  how  do  you 
know  ?  —  how  came  yo?i  to  understand  that  I  was 
writing  an  '  Exposition  '  —  good  God  I  " 

"  Hush  !  "  replied  the  figure,  in  a  shrill  under-tone  ; 
and,  arising  quickly  from  the  bed,  he  made  a  single 
step  towards  our  hero,  while  an  iron  lamp  that  de- 
pended overhead  swung  convulsively  back  from  his 
approach. 

The  philosopher's   amazement  did   not  prevent   a 
30 


BON-BON 

narrow  scrutiny  of  the  stranger's  dress  and  appear- 
ance. The  outlines  of  his  figure,  exceedingly  lean, 
but  much  above  the  common  height,  were  rendered 
minutely  distinct  by  means  of  a  faded  suit  of  black 
cloth  which  fitted  tight  to  the  skin,  but  was  otherwise 
cut  very  much  in  the  style  of  a  century  ago.  These 
garments  had  evidently  been  intended  for  a  much 
shorter  person  than  their  present  owner.  His  ankles 
and  wrists  were  left  naked  for  several  inches.  In  his 
shoes,  however,  a  pair  of  very  brilliant  buckles  gave 
the  lie  to  the  extreme  poverty  implied  by  the  other 
portions  of  his  dress.  His  head  was  bare,  and  entirely 
bald,  with  the  exception  of  the  hinder  part,  from 
which  depended  a  queue  of  considerable  length.  A 
pair  of  green  spectacles,  with  side  glasses,  protected 
his  eyes  from  the  influence  of  the  light,  and  at  the 
same  time  prevented  our  hero  from  ascertaining  either 
their  color  or  their  conformation.  About  the  entire 
person  there  was  no  evidence  of  a  shirt ;  but  a  white 
cravat,  of  filthy  appearance,  was  tied  with  extreme 
precision  around  the  throat,  and  the  ends,  hanging 
down  formally  side  by  side,  gave  (although  I  dare  say 
unintentionally)  the  idea  of  an  ecclesiastic.  Indeed, 
many  other  points  both  in  his  appearance  and 
demeanor  might  have  very  well  sustained  a  concep- 
tion of  that  nature.  Over  his  left  ear,  he  carried,  after 
the  fashion  of  a  modern  clerk,  an  instrument  resem- 
bling the  sty  his  of  the  ancients.  In  a  breast-pocket 
of  his  coat  appeared  conspicuously  a  small  black 
volume  fastened  with  clasps  of  steel.  This  book, 
whether  accidentally  or  not,  was  so  turned  outwardly 
from  the  person  as  to  discover  the  words  '•'■  Rituel 
Catholique'"  in  white  letters  upon  the  back.  His 
entire  physiognomy  was  interestingly  saturnine  — 
31 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

even  cadaverously  pale.  The  forehead  was  lofty,  and 
deeply  furrowed  with  the  ridges  of  contemplation. 
The  corners  of  the  mouth  were  drawn  down  into  an 
expression  of  the  most  submissive  humility.  There 
was  also  a  clasping  of  the  hands,  as  he  stepped  towards 
our  hero  —  a  deep  sigh  —  and  altogether  a  look  of 
such  utter  sanctity  as  could  not  have  failed  to  be 
unequivocally  prepossessing.  Every  shadow  of  anger 
faded  from  the  countenance  of  the  metaphysician,  as, 
having  completed  a  satisfactory  survey  of  his  visitor's 
person,  he  shook  him  cordially  by  the  hand,  and  con- 
ducted him  to  a  seat. 

There  would  however  be  a  radical  error  in  attribut- 
ing this  instantaneous  transition  of  feeling  in  the 
philosopher  to  any  one  of  those  causes  which  might 
naturally  be  supposed  to  have  had  an  influence.  In- 
deed, Pierre  Bon-Bon,  from  what  I  have  been  able  to 
understand  of  his  disposition,  was  of  all  men  the  least 
likely  to  be  imposed  upon  by  any  speciousness  of 
exterior  deportment.  It  was  impossible  that  so  accu- 
rate an  observer  of  men  and  things  should  have  failed 
to  discover,  upon  the  moment,  the  real  character  of 
the  personage  who  had  thus  intruded  upon  his  hospi- 
tality. To  say  no  more,  the  conformation  of  his 
visitor's  feet  was  sufficiently  remarkable  ;  he  main- 
tained lightly  upon  his  head  an  inordmately  tall  hat ; 
there  was  a  tremulous  swelling  about  the  hinder  part 
of  his  breeches,  and  the  vibration  of  his  coat  tail  was  a 
palpable  fact.  Judge,  then,  with  what  feelings  of 
satisfaction  our  hero  found  himself  thrown  thus  at 
once  into  the  society  of  a  person  for  whom  he  had  at 
all  times  entertained  the  most  unqualified  respect. 
He  was,  however,  too  much  of  the  diplomatist  to  let 
escape  him  any  intimation  of  his  suspicions  in  regard 
32 


BON-BON 

to  the  true  state  of  affairs.  It  was  not  his  cue  to 
appear  at  all  conscious  of  the  high  honor  he  thus  un- 
expectedly enjoyed ;  but,  by  leading  his  guest  into 
conversation,  to  elicit  some  important  ethical  ideas, 
which  might,  in  obtaining  a  place  in  his  contemplated 
publication,  enlighten  the  human  race,  and  at  the 
same  time  immortalize  himself  —  ideas  which,  I  should 
have  added,  his  visitor's  great  age,  and  well-known 
proficiency  in  the  science  of  morals,  might  very  well 
have  enabled  him  to  afford. 

Actuated  by  these  enlightened  views,  our  hero  bade 
the  gentleman  sit  down,  while  he  himself  took  occa- 
sion to  throw  some  fagots  upon  the  fire  and  place 
upon  the  now  re-established  table  some  bottles  of 
Mousseux.  Having  quickly  completed  these  opera- 
tions, he  drew  his  chair  vis-a-vis  to  his  companion's, 
and  waited  until  the  latter  should  open  the  conversa- 
tion. But  plans  even  the  most  skilfully  matured  are 
often  thwarted  in  the  outset  of  their  application  —  and 
the  restaurateur  found  himself  nonplussed  by  the  very 
first  words  of  his  visitor's  speech. 

"  I  see  you  know  me,  Bon-Bon,"  said  he  :  "  ha  !  ha  ! 
ha  !  —  he  !  he  !  he  !  —  hi  !  hi !  hi !  —  ho  !  ho  !  ho  !  —  hu  ! 
hu  !  hu  ! "  —  and  the  devil,  dropping  at  once  the 
sanctity  of  his  demeanor,  opened  to  its  fullest  extent  a 
mouth  from  ear  to  ear,  so  as  to  display  a  set  of  jagged 
and  fang-like  teeth,  and,  throwing  back  his  head, 
laughed  long,  loudly,  wickedly,  and  uproariously,  while 
the  black  dog,  crouching  down  upon  his  haunches, 
joined  lustily  in  the  chorus,  and  the  tabby  cat,  flying 
off  at  a  tangent,  stood  up  on  end,  and  shrieked  in  the 
farthest  corner  of  the  apartment. 

Not  so  the  philosopher :  he  was  too  much  a  man  of 
the  world  either  to  laugh  like  the  dog,  or  by  shrieks  to 
VOL.   IV.  —  3  33 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

betray  the  indecorous  trepidation  of  the  cat.  It  must 
be  confessed,  he  felt  a  little  astonishment  to  see  the 
white  letters,  which  formed  the  words  "  Rituel  Catho- 
lique  "  on  the  book  in  his  guest's  pocket,  momently 
changing  both  their  color  and  their  import,  and  in  a 
few  seconds,  in  place  of  the  original  title,  the  words 
"  Regitre  des  Cojidamfies  "  blaze  forth  in  characters  of 
red.  This  startling  circumstance,  when  Bon-Bon 
replied  to  his  visitor's  remark,  imparted  to  his  manner 
an  air  of  embarrassment  which  probably  might  not 
otherwise  have  been  observed. 

"  Why,  sir,"  said  the  philosopher,  "  why,  sir,  to 
speak  sincerely  —  I  believe  you  are  —  upon  my  word 

—  the     d dest  —  that     is    to    say,     I    think  —  I 

imagine  —  I  have  some  faint — some  very  faint  idea 

—  of  the  remarkable  honor  —  " 

"  Oh  !  —  ah  !  —  yes  !  —  very  well !  "  interrupted  His 
Majesty;  "say  no  more — I  see  how  it  is."  And 
hereupon,  taking  off  his  green  spectacles,  he  wiped 
the  glasses  carefully  with  the  sleeve  of  his  coat,  and 
deposited  them  in  his  pocket. 

If  Bon-Bon  had  been  astonished  at  the  incident  of  the 
book,  his  amazement  was  now  much  increased  by  the 
spectacle  which  here  presented  itself  to  view.  In  rais- 
ing his  eyes,  with  a  strong  feeling  of  curiosity  to  ascer- 
tain the  color  of  his  guest's,  he  found  them  by  no 
means  black,  as  he  had  anticipated  —  nor  gray,  as  might 
have  been  imagined  —  nor  yet  hazel  nor  blue  —  nor 
indeed  yellow  nor  red  —  nor  purple  —  nor  white  —  nor 
green  —  nor  any  other  color  in  the  heavens  above,  or 
in  the  earth  beneath,  or  in  the  waters  under  the  earth. 
In  short,  Pierre  Bon-Bon  not  only  saw  plainly  that  His 
Majesty  had  no  eyes  whatsoever,  but  could  discover 
no  indications  of  their  having  existed  at  any  previous 
34 


BON-BON 

period  —  for  the  space  where  eyes  should  naturally 
have  been  was,  I  am  constrained  to  say,  simply  a 
dead  level  of  flesh. 

It  was  not  in  the  nature  of  the  metaphysician  to 
forbear  making  some  inquiry  into  the  sources  of  so 
strange  a  phenomenon;  and  the  reply  of  His  Majesty 
was  at  once  prompt,  dignified,  and  satisfactory. 

"  Eyes  !  my  dear  Bon-Bon  —  eyes  !  did  you  say  ?  — 
oh  !  —  ah  !  —  I  perceive  !  The  ridiculous  prints,  eh, 
which  are  in  circulation,  have  given  you  a  false  idea 
of  my  personal  appearance  ?  Eyes  !  —  true.  Eyes, 
Pierre  Bon-Bon,  are  very  well  in  their  proper  place  — 
that^  you  would  say,  is  the  head  ?  —  right  —  the  head 
of  a  worm.  To  you  likewise  these  optics  are  indis- 
pensable —  yet  I  will  convince  you  that  my  vision  is 
more  penetrating  than  your  own.  There  is  a  cat  I  see 
in  the  corner  —  a  pretty  cat  —  look  at  her  —  observe 
her  well.  Now,  Bon-Bon,  do  you  behold  the  thoughts 
—  the  thoughts,  I  say  —  the  ideas  —  the  reflections  — 
which  are  being  engendered  in  her  pericranium? 
There  it  is,  now  — you  do  not!  She  is  thinking  we 
admire  the  length  of  her  tail  and  the  profundity  of  her 
mind.  She  has  just  concluded  that  I  am  the  most 
distinguished  of  ecclesiastics,  and  that  you  are  the 
most  superficial  of  metaphysicians.  Thus  you  see  I 
am  not  altogether  blind ;  but  to  one  of  my  profession 
the  eyes  you  speak  of  would  be  merely  an  encum- 
brance, Hable  at  any  time  to  be  put  out  by  a  toasting- 
iron  or  a  pitchfork.  To  you,  I  allow,  these  optical 
affairs  are  indispensable.  Endeavor,  Bon-Bon,  to  use 
them  well ;  —  my  vision  is  the  soul." 

Hereupon  the  guest  helped  himself  to  the  wine  upon 
the  table,  and,  pouring  out  a  bumper  for  Bon-Bon,  re- 
35 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

quested  him  to  drink  it  without  scruple,  and  make 
himself  perfectly  at  home. 

"  A  clever  book  that  of  yours,  Pierre,"  resumed  His 
Majesty,  tapping  our  friend  knowingly  upon  the 
shoulder,  as  the  latter  put  down  his  glass  after  a 
thorough  compliance  with  his  visitor's  injunction. 
"A  clever  book  that  of  yours,  upon  my  honor.  It's 
a  work  after  my  own  heart.  Your  arrangement  of  the 
matter,  I  think,  however,  might  be  improved,  and 
many  of  your  notions  remind  me  of  Aristotle.  That 
philosopher  was  one  of  my  most  intimate  acquain- 
tances. I  liked  him  as  much  for  his  terrible  ill  tem- 
per, as  for  his  happy  knack  at  making  a  blunder. 
There  is  only  one  soHd  truth  in  all  that  he  has  written, 
and  for  that  I  gave  him  the  hint  out  of  pure  compas- 
sion for  his  absurdity.  I  suppose,  Pierre  Bon-Bon, 
you  very  well  know  to  what  divine  moral  truth  I  am 
alluding  ?  " 

"  Cannot  say  that  I  —  " 

"  Indeed  !  —  why  it  was  I  who  told  Aristotle  that, 
by  sneezing,  men  expelled  superfluous  ideas  through 
the  proboscis." 

"  Which  is  —  hiccup  !  —  undoubtedly  the  case," 
said  the  metaphysician,  while  he  poured  out  for  him- 
self another  bumper  of  Mousseux,  and  offered  his 
snuff-box  to  the  fingers  of  his  visitor. 

"  There  was  Plato,  too,"  continued  His  Majesty, 
modestly  decHning  the  snuff-box  and  the  compliment 
it  implied  —  "  there  was  Plato,  too,  for  whom  I,  at  one 
time,  felt  all  the  affection  of  a  friend.  You  knew 
Plato,  Bon-Bon  ?  —  ah,  no,  I  beg  a  thousand  pardons. 
He  met  me  at  Athens,  one  day,  in  the  Parthenon,  and 
told  me  he  was  distressed  for  an  idea.  I  bade  him 
write  down  that  '  6  vovs  ea-rtv  avXos.^  He  said  that  he 
36 


BON-BON 

would  do  so,  and  went  home,  while  I  stepped  over  to 
the  pyramids.  But  my  conscience  smote  me  for  hav- 
ing uttered  a  truth,  even  to  aid  a  friend,  and,  hasten- 
ing back  to  Athens,  I  arrived  behind  the  philosopher's 
chair  as  he  was  inditing  the  '  avkos.^  Giving  the  lambda 
a  fillip  with  my  finger,  I  turned  it  upside  down.  So 
the  sentence  now  reads  '  6  vovs  eanv  avyos,''  and  is, 
you  perceive,  the  fundamental  doctrine  in  his  meta- 
physics." 

"  Were  you  ever  at  Rome  ?  "  asked  the  restatirateur^ 
as  he  finished  his  second  bottle  of  Mousseux,  and  drew 
from  the  closet  a  larger  supply  of  Chambertin. 

"  But  once.  Monsieur  Bon-Bon,  but  once.  There 
was  a  time,"  said  the  devil,  as  if  reciting  some  passage 
from  a  book  —  "there  was  a  time  when  occurred  an 
anarchy  of  five  years,  during  which  the  republic,  bereft 
of  all  its  officers,  had  no  magistracy  besides  the  trib- 
unes of  the  people,  and  these  were  not  legally  vested 
with  any  degree  of  executive  power;  at  that  time, 
Monsieur  Bon-Bon  —  at  that  time  otily  I  was  in  Rome, 
and  I  have  no  earthly  acquaintance,  consequently,  with 
any  of  its  philosophy."  ^ 

"  What  do  you  think  of  —  what  do  you  think  of  — 
hiccup  !  —  Epicurus  ?  " 

"  What  do  I  think  of  whom  f "  said  the  devil,  in 
astonishment ;  "  you  cannot  surely  mean  to  find  any 
fault  with  Epicurus  !  What  do  I  think  of  Epicurus  ! 
Do  you  mean  me,  sir?  —  /  am  Epicurus!  I  am  the 
same  philosopher  who  wrote  each  of  the  three  hun- 
dred treatises  commemorated  by  Diogenes  Laertes." 

"  That 's  a  lie  !  "  said  the  metaphysician,  for  the 
wine  had  gotten  a  little  into  his  head. 

1  "  lis  ecrivaient  sur  la  philosophie  {Cicero,  Lucretius,  Seneca), 
mais  c'etait  la  philosophie  grecque."  —  Condorcet. 

37 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

"  Very  well !  —  very  well,  sir  !  —  very  well,  indeed, 
sir  ! "  said  His  Majesty,  apparently  much  flattered. 

"  That 's  a  lie  !  "  repeated  the  restaurateur^  dogmati- 
cally, "  that 's  a  —  hiccup  !  —  a  He  !  " 

"  Well,  well,  have  it  your  own  way  ! "  said  the  devil, 
pacifically;  and  Bon-Bon,  having  beaten  His  Majesty 
at  an  argument,  thought  it  his  duty  to  conclude  a 
second  bottle  of  Chambertin. 

"  As  I  was  saying,"  resumed  the  visitor,  "  as  I  was 
observing  a  little  while  ago,  there  are  some  very  oiitre 
notions  in  that  book  of  yours,  Monsieur  Bon-Bon. 
What,  for  instance,  do  you  mean  by  all  that  humbug 
about  the  soul  ?     Pray,  sir,  what  is  the  soul  ?  " 

"  The  —  hiccup  !  —  soul,"  replied  the  metaphysician, 
referring  to  his  MS.,  "  is  undoubtedly  —  " 

"  No,  sir  !  " 

"Indubitably  —  " 

"No,  sir!" 

"Indisputably  —  " 

«  No,  sir  !  " 

"  Evidently  —  " 

"  No,  sir  !  " 

"  Incontrovertibly  —  " 

"  No,  sir !  " 

"Hiccup!—" 

"No,  sir!" 

"  And  beyond  all  question,  a  —  " 

"  No,  sir,  the  soul  is  no  such  thing !  "  (Here  the 
philosopher,  looking  daggers,  took  occasion  to  make 
an  end,  upon  the  spot,  of  his  third  bottle  of 
Chambertin.) 

"  Then  —  hiccup  !  —  pray,  sir  —  what  —  what  is  it  ?  " 

"  That  is  neither  here  nor  there.  Monsieur  Bon- 
Bon,"  repUed  His  Majesty,  musingly.  "  I  have  tasted 
38 


BON-BON 

—  that  is  to  say,  I  have  known  some  very  bad  souls, 
and  some  too  —  pretty  good  ones."  Here  he  smacked 
his  lips,  and,  having  unconsciously  let  fall  his  hand 
upon  the  volume  in  his  pocket,  was  seized  with  a  vio- 
lent fit  of  sneezing. 

He  continued :  — 

"  There  was  the  soul  of  Cratinus  —  passable  :  Aris- 
tophanes —  racy :  Plato  —  exquisite  —  not  your  Plato, 
but  Plato  the  comic  poet :  your  Plato  would  have 
turned  the  stomach  of  Cerberus  —  faugh  !  Then  let  me 
see  !  there  were  Naevius,  and  Andronicus,  and  Plautus, 
and  Terentius.  Then  there  were  Lucilius,  and  Catul- 
lus, and  Naso,  and  Quintus  Flaccus,  —  dear  Quinty  !  as 
I  called  him  when  he  sung  a  seculare  for  my  amusement, 
while  I  toasted  him,  in  pure  good-humor,  on  a  fork. 
But  they  y^TccX flavor^  these  Romans.  One  fat  Greek  is 
worth  a  dozen  of  them,  and  besides  will  keep,  which  can- 
not be  said  of  a  Quirite.  —  Let  us  taste  your  Sauterne." 

Bon-Bon  had  by  this  time  made  up  his  mind  to  the 
nil  admirari,  and  endeavored  to  hand  down  the  bottles 
in  question.  He  was,  however,  conscious  of  a  strange 
sound  in  the  room  like  the  wagging  of  a  tail.  Of  this, 
although  extremely  indecent  in  His  Majesty,  the  phi- 
losopher took  no  notice  ;  —  simply  kicking  the  dog,  and 
requesting  him  to  be  quiet.     The  visitor  continued  : 

"  I  found  that  Horace  tasted  very  much  like  Aris- 
totle ;  —  you  know  I  am  fond  of  variety.  Terentius  I 
could  not  have  told  from  Menander.  Naso,  to  my 
astonishment,  was  Nicander  in  disguise.  Virgilius 
had  a  strong  twang  of  Theocritus.  Martial  put  me 
much  in  mind  of  Archilochus  —  and  Titus  Livius  was 
positively  Polybius  and  none  other." 

"  Hiccup !  "  here  replied  Bon-Bon,  and  His  Majesty 
proceeded :  — 

39 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

"  But  if  I  have  a  penchant^  Monsieur  Bon-Bon  — 
if  I  have  a  penchant,  it  is  for  a  philosopher.  Yet,  let 
me  tell  you,  sir,  it  is  not  every  dev  —  I  mean  it  is  not 
every  gentleman,  who  knows  how  to  choose  a  philoso- 
pher. Long  ones  are  not  good ;  and  the  best,  if  not 
carefully  shelled,  are  apt  to  be  a  Httle  rancid  on 
account  of  the  gall." 

"  Shelled  I !  " 

"  I  mean,  taken  out  of  the  carcass.  " 

"  What  do  you  think  of  a  —  hiccup  !  —  physician  ?  " 

"  Don't  mention  them  !  —  ugh  !  ugh  !  "  (Here  His 
Majesty  retched  violently.)  "  I  never  tasted  but  one 
—  that  rascal  Hippocrates!  —  smelt  of  asafoetida  — 
ugh  !  ugh  !  ugh  !  —  caught  a  wretched  cold  washing 
him  in  the  Styx  —  and  after  all  he  gave  me  the  cholera 
morbus." 

"  The  — hiccup  !  —  wretch  !  "  ejaculated  Bon-Bon, 
"  the  —  hiccup  !  —  abortion  of  a  pill-box  !  "  —  and  the 
philosopher  dropped  a  tear. 

"After  all,"  continued  the  visitor,  "after  all,  if  a 
dev — if  a  gentleman  wishes  to  live,  he  must  have 
more  talents  than  one  or  two ;  and  with  us  a  fat  face 
is  an  evidence  of  diplomacy." 

"  How  so  ?  " 

"Why,  we  are  sometimes  exceedingly  pushed  for 
provisions.  You  must  know  that,  in  a  climate  so 
sultry  as  mine,  it  is  frequently  impossible  to  keep  a 
spirit  alive  for  more  than  two  or  three  hours  t  and 
after  death,  unless  pickled  immediately  (and  a  pickled 
spirit  is  iwt  good)  they  will  —  smell  —  you  understand, 
eh  ?  Putrefaction  is  always  to  be  apprehended  when 
the  souls  are  consigned  to  us  in  the  usual  way." 

"  Hiccup  !  —  hiccup  !  —  good  God  !  how  do  you 
manage  ?  " 

40 


BON-BON 

Here  the  iron  lamp  commenced  swinging  with  re- 
doubled violence,  and  the  devil  half  started  from  his 
seat  :  —  however,  with  a  slight  sigh,  he  recovered  his 
composure,  merely  saying  to  our  hero  in  a  low  tone, 
"  I  tell  you  what,  Pierre  Bon-Bon,  we  imist  have  no 
more  swearing." 

The  host  swallowed  another  bumper,  by  way  of 
denoting  thorough  comprehension  and  acquiescence, 
and  the  visitor  continued  :  — 

"  Why,  there  are  several  ways  of  managing.  The 
most  of  us  starve :  some  put  up  with  the  pickle  :  for 
my  part  I  purchase  my  spirits  vivente  corpore,  in 
which  case  I  find  they  keep  very  well." 

"  But  the  body  ! —  hiccup  !  —  the  body  ! " 

"  The  body,  the  body  —  well,  what  of  the  body  ?  — 
oh  !  ah  !  I  perceive.  Why,  sir,  the  body  is  not  at  all 
affected  by  the  transaction.  I  have  made  innumer- 
able purchases  of  the  kind  in  my  day,  and  the  parties 
never  experienced  any  inconvenience.  There  were 
Cain  and  Nimrod,  and  Nero,  and  Caligula,  and  Diony- 
sius,  and  Pisistratus,  and  —  and  a  thousand  others, 
who  never  knew  what  it  was  to  have  a  soul  during  the 
latter  part  of  their  lives ;  yet,  sir,  these  men  adorned 

society.     Why   is  n't  there   A ,  now,  whom   you 

know  as  well  as  I  ?  Is  he  not  in  possession  of  all 
his  faculties,  mental  and  corporeal  ?  Who  writes  a 
keener  epigram  ?  Who  reasons  more  wittily .''  Who 
—  but,  stay !  I  have  his  agreement  in  my  pocket- 
book." 

Thus  saying,  he  produced  a  red  leather  wallet,  and 
took  from  it  a  number  of  papers.  Upon  some  of  these 
Bon-Bon  caught  a  glimpse  of  the  letters  Machi  — 
Maza  —  Robesp  —  with  the  words  Caligula^  George, 
Elizabeth.  His  Majesty  selected  a  narrow  slip  of 
41 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

parchment,  and  from  it  read  aloud  the  following 
words :  — 

"  In  consideration  of  certain  mental  endowments 
which  it  is  unnecessary  to  specify,  and  in  farther  con- 
sideration of  one  thousand  louis  d'or,  I,  being  aged 
one  year  and  one  month,  do  hereby  make  over  to  the 
bearer  of  this  agreement  all  my  right,  title,  and  ap- 
purtenance in  the  shadow  called  my  soul."      (Signed) 

A ^     (Here  His  Majesty  repeated  a  name  which 

I  do  not  feel  myself  justified  in  indicating  more 
unequivocally.) 

"  A  clever  fellow  that,"  resumed  he  ;  "  but  like  you, 
Monsieur  Bon-Bon,  he  was  mistaken  about  the  soul. 
The  soul  a  shadow,  truly  !  The  soul  a  shadow  !  Ha ! 
ha  !  ha  !  —  he  !  he  !  he  !  —  hu  !  hu  !  hu !  Only  think  of 
2l  fricasseed  shadow  !  " 

"  Only  think  —  hiccup  !  —  of  2i  fricasseed  shadow  !  " 
exclaimed  our  hero,  whose  faculties  were  becoming 
much  illuminated  by  the  profundity  of  His  Majesty's 
discourse. 

"  Only  think  of  a  —  hiccup  !  — fricasseed  shadow  ! ! 
Now,  damme  !  —  hiccup  —  humph  !  If  /  would  have 
been  such  a  —  hiccup  !  —  nincompoop.  My  soul,  Mr. 
—  humph !  " 

'■'■Your  soul.  Monsieur  Bon-Bon  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir  —  hiccup  !  —  my  soul  is  —  " 

"  What,  sir  ?  " 

"  No  shadow,  damme  !  " 

"  Did  not  mean  to  say  —  " 

"  Yes,  sir,  viy  soul  is  —  hiccup  !  —  humph !  —  yes, 
sir." 

"  Did  not  intend  to  assert  —  " 

i  Query  —  Arouet  ? 
42 


BON-BON 

"  My  soul  is  —  hiccup  !  —  peculiarly  qualified  for 
—  hiccup  !  —  a  —  " 

"What,  sir?" 

"  Stew." 

"  Ha  !  " 

"  Soitffleer 

"  Eh  ? " 

'•''Fricassee.^'' 

"Indeed!" 

"  Ragout  and  fricandeau  —  and  see  here,  my  good 
fellow  !  I  '11  let  you  have  it  —  hiccup  !  —  a  bargain." 
Here  the  philosopher  slapped  His  Majesty  upon  the 
back. 

"Couldn't  think  of  such  a  thing,"  said  the  latter, 
calmly,  at  the  same  time  rising  from  his  seat.  The 
metaphysician  stared. 

"  Am  supplied  at  present,"  said  His  Majesty. 

"  Hic-cup  !  —  e-h  ?  "  said  the  philosopher. 

"  Have  no  funds  on  hand." 

"  What  ?  " 

"  Besides,  very  unhandsome  in  me  —  " 

"  Sir ! " 

"  To  take  advantage  of  —  " 

"  Hic-cup ! " 

"  Your  present  disgusting  and  ungentlemanly  situa- 
tion." 

Here  the  visitor  bowed  and  withdrew  —  in  what 
manner  could  not  precisely  be  ascertained  —  but,  in 
a  well-concerted  effort  to  discharge  a  bottle  at  "  the 
villain,"  the  slender  chain  was  severed  that  depended 
from  the  ceiling,  and  the  metaphysician  prostrated  by 
the  downfall  of  the  lamp. 


43 


THE    MAN   THAT   WAS   USED    UP 

A   TALE   OF   THE   LATE   BUGABOO   AND   KICKAPOO 
CAMPAIGN 

Pleurez,  pleurez,  mes  yeux,  et  fondez-vous  en  eau  ! 
La  moitie  de  ma  vie  a  mis  Pautre  au  tombeau. 

CoRNEiLLE  :   Le  Cid,  III.  iii. 

i  CANNOT  just  now  remember  when  or  where  I 
first  made  the  acquaintance  of  that  truly  fine-looking 
fellow,  Brevet  Brigadier-General  John  A.  B.  C.  Smith. 
Some  one  did  introduce  me  to  the  gentleman,  I  am 
sure,  —  at  some  public  meeting,  I  know  very  well  — 
held  about  something  of  great  importance,  no  doubt 
—  at  some  place  or  other,  I  feel  convinced  —  whose 
name  I  have  unaccountably  forgotten.  The  truth  is 
that  the  introduction  was  attended,  upon  my  part, 
with  a  degree  of  anxious  embarrassment  which  oper- 
ated to  prevent  any  definite  impressions  of  either  time 
or  place.  I  am  constitutionally  nervous ;  this,  with 
me,  is  a  family  failing,  and  I  can't  help  it.  In  espe- 
cial, the  slightest  appearance  of  mystery  —  of  any 
point  I  cannot  exactly  comprehend  —  puts  me  at  once 
into  a  pitiable  state  of  agitation. 

There  was  something,  as  it  were,  remarkable — yes, 
rejnarkable.,   although   this   is   but   a  feeble   term  to 
express  my  full  meaning  —  about  the  entire  individual- 
ity of  the  personage  in  question.      He  was,  perhaps, 
44 


THE   MAN   THAT   WAS   USED    UP 

six  feet  in  height  and  of  a  presence  singularly  com- 
manding- There  was  an  air  distingue  pervading  the 
whole  man,  which  spoke  of  high  breeding,  and  hinted 
at  high  birth.  Upon  this  topic,  the  topic  of  Smith's 
personal  appearance,  I  have  a  kind  of  melancholy  sat- 
isfaction in  being  minute.  His  head  of  hair  would 
have  done  honor  to  a  Brutus ;  nothing  could  be  more 
richly  flowing,  or  possess  a  brighter  gloss.  It  was 
of  a  jetty  black ;  which  was  also  the  color,  or  more 
properly,  the  no  color,  of  his  unimaginable  whiskers. 
You  perceive  I  cannot  speak  of  these  latter  without 
enthusiasm;  it  is  not  too  much  to  say  that  they  were 
the  handsomest  pair  of  whiskers  under  the  sun.  At 
all  events,  they  encircled,  and  at  times  partially  over- 
shadowed, a  mouth  utterly  unequalled.  Here  were 
the  most  entirely  even  and  the  most  brilliantly  white 
of  all  conceivable  teeth.  From  between  them,  upon 
every  proper  occasion,  issued  a  voice  of  surpassing 
clearness,  melody,  and  strength.  In  the  ^matter  of 
eyes,  also,  my  acquaintance  was  preeminently  en- 
dowed. Either  one  of  such  a  pair  was  worth  a  couple 
of  the  ordinary  ocular  organs.  They  were  of  a  deep 
hazel,  exceedingly  large  and  lustrous;  and  there 
was  perceptible  about  them,  ever  and  anon,  just  that 
amount  of  interesting  obliquity  which  gives  pregnancy 
to  expression. 

The  bust  of  the  General  was  unquestionably  the 
finest  bust  I  ever  saw.  For  your  life  you  could  not 
have  found  a  fault  with  its  wonderful  proportion. 
This  rare  peculiarity  set  off  to  great  advantage  a  pair 
of  shoulders  which  would  have  called  up  a  blush  of 
conscious  inferiority  into  the  countenance  of  the  mar- 
ble Apollo.  I  have  a  passion  for  fine  shoulders,  and 
may  say  that  I  never  beheld  them  in  perfection  before. 
45 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

The  arms  altogether  were  admirably  modelled.  Nor 
were  the  lower  limbs  less  superb.  These  were,  indeed, 
the  ne  phis  ultra  of  good  legs.  Every  connoisseur  in 
such  matters  admitted  the  legs  to  be  good.  There 
was  neither  too  much  flesh  nor  too  little,  —  neither 
rudeness  nor  fragility.  I  could  not  imagine  a  more 
graceful  curve  than  that  of  the  os  femoris^  and  there 
was  just  that  due  gentle  prominence  in  the  rear  of  the 
fibula  which  goes  to  the  conformation  of  a  properly 
proportioned  calf.  I  wish  to  God  my  young  and 
talented  friend,  Chiponchipino,  the  sculptor,  had  but 
seen  the  legs  of  Brevet  Brigadier-General  John  A.  B. 
C.  Smith. 

But  although  men  so  absolutely  fine-looking  are 
neither  as  plenty  as  reasons  or  blackberries,  still  I 
could  not  bring  myself  to  believe  that  the  remarkable 
something  to  which  I  alluded  just  now,  —  that  the  odd 
air  of  je  ne  sais  quoi  which  hung  about  my  new 
acquaintance,  —  lay  altogether,  or  indeed  at  all,  in  the 
supreme  excellence  of  his  bodily  endowments.  Per- 
haps it  might  be  traced  to  the  tnanner j  yet  here 
again  I  could  not  pretend  to  be  positive.  There  was 
a  primness,  not  to  say  stiffness,  in  his  carriage;  a 
degree  of  measured,  and,  if  I  may  so  express  it,  of 
rectangular  precision,  attending  his  every  movement, 
which,  observed  in  a  more  diminutive  figure,  would 
have  had  the  least  little  savor  in  the  world  of  affecta- 
tion, pomposity,  or  constraint,  but  which,  noticed  in  a 
gentleman  of  his  undoubted  dimensions,  was  readily 
placed  to  the  account  of  reserve,  hauteur  —  of  a  com- 
mendable sense,  in  short,  of  what  is  due  to  the  dignity 
of  colossal  proportion. 

The  kind  friend  who  presented  me  to  General  Smith 
whispered  in  my  ear  some  few  words  of  comment 
46 


THE   MAN   THAT   WAS   USED   UP 

Upon  the  man.  He  was  a  remarkable  man  —  a  very 
remarkable  man  —  indeed  one  of  the  most  remarkable 
men  of  the  age.  He  was  an  especial  favorite,  too, 
with  the  ladies,  chiefly  on  account  of  his  high  reputa- 
tion for  courage. 

"  In  that  point  he  is  unrivalled ;  indeed,  he  is  a 
perfect  desperado  —  a  downright  fire-eater,  and  no 
mistake,"  said  my  friend,  here  dropping  his  voice 
excessively  low,  and  thrilling  me  with  the  mystery  of 
his  tone. 

"  A  downright  fire-eater,  and  no  mistake.  Showed 
that^  I  should  say,  to  some  purpose,  in  the  late  tremen- 
dous swamp-fight  away  down  South,  with  the  Bugaboo 
and  Kickapoo  Indians."  (Here  my  friend  opened  his 
eyes  to  some  extent.)  "  Bless  my  soul !  —  blood  and 
thunder,  and  all  that! — prodigies  of  valor!  —  heard 
of  him  of  course  ?  —  you  know  he  's  the  man  —  " 

"Man  alive,  how  do  you  do?  why,  how  are  ye? 
very  glad  to  see  ye,  indeed  ! "  here  interrupted  the 
General  himself,  seizing  my  companion  by  the  hand 
as  he  drew  near,  and  bowing  stiffly  but  profoundly, 
as  I  was  presented.  I  then  thought  (and  I  think  so 
still)  that  I  never  heard  a  clearer  nor  a  stronger  voice 
nor  beheld  a  finer  set  of  teeth ;  but  I  must  say  that  I 
was  sorry  for  the  interruption  just  at  that  moment,  as, 
owing  to  the  whispers  and  insinuations  aforesaid,  my 
interest  had  been  greatly  excited  in  the  hero  of  the 
Bugaboo  and  Kickapoo  campaign. 

However,  the  delightfully  luminous  conversation  of 
Brevet  Brigadier-General  John  A.  B.  C  Smith  soon 
completely  dissipated  this  chagrin.  My  friend  leaving 
us  immediately,  we  had  quite  a  long  tete-a-tete^  and  I 
was  not  only  pleased  but  really  —  instructed.  I  never 
heard  a  more  fluent  talker,  or  a  man  of  greater  general 
47 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

information.  With  becoming  modesty,  he  forbore, 
nevertheless,  to  touch  upon  the  theme  I  had  just  then 
most  at  heart :  I  mean  the  mysterious  circumstances 
attending  the  Bugaboo  War;  and,  on  my  own  part, 
what  I  conceive  to  be  a  proper  sense  of  delicacy  for- 
bade me  to  broach  the  subject ;  although,  in  truth,  I 
was  exceedingly  tempted  to  do  so.  I  perceived,  too, 
that  the  gallant  soldier  preferred  topics  of  philosophi- 
cal interest,  and  that  he  dehghted  especially  in  com- 
menting upon  the  rapid  march  of  mechanical  invention. 
Indeed,  lead  him  where  I  would,  this  was  a  point  to 
which  he  invariably  came  back. 

"  There  is  nothing  at  all  like  it,"  he  would  say ;  "  we 
are  a  wonderful  people,  and  live  in  a  wonderful  age. 
Parachutes  and  railroads  —  man-traps  and  spring- 
guns  !  Our  steamboats  are  upon  every  sea,  and  the 
Nassau  balloon  packet  is  about  to  run  regular  trips 
(fare  either  way  only  twenty  pounds  sterling)  between 
London  and  Timbuctoo.  And  who  shall  calculate  the 
immense  influence  upon  social  life  —  upon  arts  — 
upon  commerce  —  upon  literature  —  which  will  be 
the  immediate  result  of  the  great  principles  of 
electro-magnetics  !  Nor  is  this  all,  let  me  assure  you  ! 
There  is  really  no  end  to  the  march  of  invention. 
The  most  wonderful  —  the  most  ingenious — and  let 
me  add,  Mr.  —  Mr.  —  Thompson,  I  believe,  is  your 
name  —  let  me  add,  I  say,  the  most  useful  —  the  most 
truly  useful  mechanical  contrivances  are  daily  spring- 
ing up  hke  mushrooms,  if  I  may  so  express  myself, 
or,  more  figuratively,  like  —  ah  —  grasshoppers  —  like 
grasshoppers,  Mr.  Thompson  —  about  us  and  ah  —  ah 
—  ah  —  around  us  !  " 

Thompson,  to  be  sure,  is  not  my  name  ;  but  it  is 
needless  to  say  that  I  left  General  Smith  with  a 
48 


THE   MAN   THAT   WAS    USED    UP 

heightened  interest  in  the  man,  with  an  exalted  opin- 
ion of  his  conversational  powers,  and  a  deep  sense 
of  the  valuable  privileges  we  enjoy  in  living  in  this 
age  of  mechanical  invention.  My  curiosity,  however, 
had  not  been  altogether  satisfied,  and  I  resolved  to 
prosecute  immediate  inquiry  among  my  acquaintances 
touching  the  Brevet  Brigadier  General  himself,  and 
particularly  respecting  the  tremendous  events  quoi'Ufn 
pars  magna  fuit,  during  the  Bugaboo  and  Kickapoo 
campaign. 

The  first  opportunity  which  presented  itself,  and 
which  {Jiorresco  refer  ens)  I  did  not  in  the  least  scruple 
to  seize,  occurred  at  the  Church  of  the  Reverend 
Doctor  Drummummupp,  where  I  found  myself  es- 
tablished, one  Sunday,  just  at  sermon  time,  not  only 
in  the  pew,  but  by  the  side,  of  that  worthy  and  com- 
municative little  friend  of  mine,  Miss  Tabitha  T. 
Thus  seated,  I  congratulated  myself,  and  with  much 
reason,  upon  the  very  flattering  state  of  affairs.  If 
any  person  knew  anything  about  Brevet  Brigadier- 
General  John  A.  B.  C.  Smith,  that  person,  it  was 
clear  to  me,  was  Miss  Tabitha  T.  We  telegraphed 
a  few  signals,  and  then  commenced,  sotto  voce,  a  brisk 
tete-a-tete. 

"  Smith  !  "  said  she,  in  reply  to  my  very  earnest 
inquiry;  "  Smith!  —  why,  not  General  John  A.  B.  C.  t 
Bless  me,  I  thought  you  knew  all  about  him  /  This 
is  a  wonderfully  inventive  age  !  Horrid  affair  that !  — 
a  bloody  set  of  wretches,  those  Kickapoos  !  —  fought 
like  a  hero  —  prodigies  of  valor  —  immortal  renown. 
Smith  !  —  Brevet  Brigadier-General  John  A.  B.  C. ! 
—  why,  you  know  he  's  the  man  —  " 

"  Man,"  here  broke  in  Dr.  Drummummupp,  at  the 
top  of  his  voice,  and  with  a  thump  that  came  near 
VOL.  IV.  —  4  49 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

knocking  the  pulpit  about  our  ears ;  "  man  that  is 
born  of  a  woman  hath  but  a  short  time  to  live ;  he 
Cometh  up  and  is  cut  down  like  a  flower  !  "  I  started 
to  the  extremity  of  the  pew,  and  perceived  by  the  ani- 
mated looks  of  the  divine  that  the  wrath  which  had 
nearly  proved  fatal  to  the  pulpit  had  been  excited  by 
the  whispers  of  the  lady  and  myself.  There  was  no 
help  for  it ;  so  I  submitted  with  a  good  grace,  and 
listened,  in  all  the  martyrdom  of  dignified  silence,  to 
the  balance  of  that  very  capital   discourse. 

Next  evening  found  me  a  somewhat  late  visitor  at 
the  Rantipole  theatre,  where  I  felt  sure  of  satisfying 
my  curiosity  at  once,  by  merely  stepping  into  the  box 
of  those  exquisite  specimens  of  affability  and  omni- 
science, the  Misses  Arabella  and  Miranda  Cognos- 
centi. That  fine  tragedian,  Climax,  was  doing  I  ago 
to  a  very  crowded  house,  and  I  experienced  some  little 
difficulty  in  making  my  wishes  understood  ;  especially 
as  our  box  was  next  the  slips,  and  completely  over- 
looked the  stage. 

"  Smith  ? "  said  Miss  Arabella,  as  she  at  length 
comprehended  the  purport  of  my  query;  "Smith.?  — 
why,  not  General  John  A.  B.  C?" 

"Smith?"  inquired  Miranda,  musingly.  "God 
bless  me,  did  you  ever  behold  a  finer  figure  ? " 

"  Never,  madam,  but  do  tell  me  —  " 

"  Or  so  inimitable  grace  ?  " 

"  Never,  upon  my  word  !  —  but  pray  inform  me  —  " 

"  Or  so  just  an  appreciation  of  stage  effect  ?  " 

"  Madam ! " 

"  Or  a  more  delicate  sense  of  the  true  beauties 
of  Shakespeare  ?  Be  so  good  as  to  look  at  that 
leg!" 

"  The  devil !  "  and  I  turned  again  to  her  sister. 
50 


THE   MAN   THAT   WAS    USED   UP 

"  Smith  ?  "  said  she,  "  why,  not  General  John  A.  B. 
C.  ?  Horrid  affair  that,  was  n't  it?  —  great  wretches, 
those  Bugaboos  —  savage  and  so  on  —  but  we  Hve 
in  a  wonderfully  inventive  age  !  —  Smith  !  —  Oh,  yes  ! 
great  man! — perfect  desperado  —  immortal  renown 
—  prodigies  of  valor!  Never  heard!''  (This  was 
given  in  a  scream.)  "  Bless  my  soul !  —  why,  he  's  the 
man  "  — 

"...  mandragora 
Nor  all  the  drowsy  syrups  of  the  world 
Shall  ever  medicine  thee  to  that  sweet  sleep 
Which  thou  owedst  yesterday  !  " 

here  roared  out  Climax  just  in  my  ear,  and  shaking  his 
fist  in  my  face  all  the  time,  in  a  way  that  I  couldn't 
stand,  and  I  wouldn't.  I  left  the  Misses  Cognoscenti 
immediately,  went  behind  the  scenes  forthwith,  and 
gave  the  beggarly  scoundrel  such  a  thrashing  as  I 
trust  he  will  remember  to  the  day  of  his  death. 

At  the  soiree  of  the  lovely  widow,  Mrs.  Kathleen 
O 'Trump,  I  was  confident  that  I  should  meet  with 
no  similar  disappointment.  Accordingly,  I  was  no 
sooner  seated  at  the  card-table,  with  my  pretty  hostess 
for  a  vis-a-vis^  than  I  propounded  those  questions 
the  solution  of  which  had  become  a  matter  so  essen- 
tial to  my  peace. 

"Smith?''  said  my  partner,  "why,  not  General 
John  A.  B.  C.  ?  Horrid  affair  that,  wasn't  it?  — 
diamonds,  did  you  say  ?  —  terrible  wretches  those 
Kickapoos  I  —  we  are  playing  whist,  if  you  please, 
Mr.  Tattle  —  however,  this  is  the  age  of  invention, 
most  certainly  the  age,  one  may  say  —  the  age  par 
excellence  —  speak  French  ?  —  oh,  quite  a  hero  —  per- 
fect desperado  !  —  no  hea^'ts,  Mr.  Tattle  ?  I  don't 
believe  it !  —  immortal  renown  and  all  that  —  prodi- 
51 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

gies  of  valor  !  Never  heard//  —  why,  bless  me,  he  's 
the  man  —  " 

"  Mann  ?  —  Captain  Mann  ?  "  here  screamed  some 
little  feminine  interloper  from  the  farthest  corner  of 
the  room.  "  Are  you  talking  about  Captain  Mann 
and  the  duel  ?  —  oh,  I  7nust  hear  —  do  tell  —  go  on, 
Mrs.  O'Trump  !  — do  now  go  on  !  "  And  go  on  Mrs. 
O'Trump  did — all  about  a  certain  Captain  Mann, 
who  was  either  shot  or  hung,  or  should  have  been 
both  shot  and  hung.  Yes!  Mrs.  O'Trump,  she  went 
on,  and  I  —  I  went  off.  There  was  no  chance  of 
hearing  anything  farther  that  evening  in  regard  to 
Brevet  Brigadier-General  John  A.   B.  C.   Smith. 

Still  I  consoled  myself  with  the  reflection  that  the 
tide  of  ill  luck  would  not  run  against  me  forever,  and 
so  determined  to  make  a  bold  push  for  information 
at  the  rout  of  that  bewitching  little  angel,  the  graceful 
Mrs.  Pirouette. 

"  Smith  ?  "  said  Mrs.  P ,  as  we  twirled   about 

together  in  a  pas  de  zephyr^  "Smith?  —  why,  not 
General  John  A.  B.  C.  ?  Dreadful  business  that  of 
the  Bugaboos,  was  n't  it  ?  —  terrible  creatures,  those 
Indians  !  do  turn  out  your  toes  !  I  really  am  ashamed 
of  you  —  man  of  great  courage,  poor  fellow!  —  but 
this  is  a  wonderful  age  for  invention  —  oh,  dear  me, 
I  'm  out  of  breath  —  quite  a  desperado  —  prodigies  of 
valor  —  never  heard//  —  can't  believe  it — I  shall 
have  to  sit  down  and  enlighten  you — Smith!  why, 
he 's  the  man  —  " 

"  Man-Fr^^,  I  tell  you  ! "  here  bawled  out  Miss 
Bas-Bleu,  as  I  led  Mrs.  Pirouette  to  a  seat.  "  Did 
ever  anybody  hear  the  like  ?  It 's  lAzxi-Fred^  I  say, 
and  not  at  all  by  any  means  lATiVi-Fridayy  Here 
Miss  Bas-Bleu  beckoned  to  me  in  a  very  peremptory 
52 


THE   MAN   THAT   WAS   USED   UP 

manner;  and  I  was  obliged,  will  I  nill  I,  to  leave  Mrs. 

P for  the  purpose  of  deciding  a  dispute  touching 

the  title  of  a  certain  poetical  drama  of  Lord  Byron's. 
Although  I  pronounced,  with  great  promptness,  that 
the  true  title  was  ^lz.n-F7-iday,  and  not  by  any  means 
Man-/^^•<?^,  yet  when  I  returned  to  seek  Mrs.  Pirouette 
she  was  not  to  be  discovered,  and  I  made  my  retreat 
from  the  house  in  a  very  bitter  spirit  of  animosity 
against  the  whole  race  of   the  Bas-Bleus. 

Matters  had  now  assumed  a  really  serious  aspect, 
and  I  resolved  to  call  at  once  upon  my  particular 
friend,  Mr.  Theodore  Sinivate  ;  for  I  knew  that  here  at 
least  I  should  get  something  like  definite  information. 

"  Smith  }  "  said  he,  in  his  well-known  peculiar  way 
of  drawling  out  his  syllables ;  "  Smith  ?  —  why,  not 
General  John  A.  B.  C.  ?  Savage  affair  that  with  the 
Kickapo-o-o-os,  was  n't  it  ?  Say  !  don't  you  think 
so? — perfect  despera-a-ado  —  great  pity,  'pon  my 
honor !  —  wonderfully  inventive  age  !  —  pro-o-odigies  of 
valor !  By  the  bye,  did  you  ever  hear  about  Captain 
Ma-a-a-a-n  ?  " 

"Captain   Mann  be  d d!"  said  I,  "please  to 

go  on  with  your  story." 

"Hem! — oh  well!  —  quite  la  7}iime  cho-o-ose,  as 
we  say  in   France.      Smith,    eh  ?     Brigadier-General 

John  A  —  B  —  C.  ?    I  say  "  —  (here  Mr.  S thought 

proper  to  put  his  finger  to  the  side  of  his  nose)  —  "I 
say,  you  don't  mean  to  insinuate  now,  really  and 
truly,  and  conscientiously,  that  you  don't  know  all 
about  that  affair  of  Smith's,  as  well  as  I  do,  eh? 
Smith?  John  A  — B  — C?  Why,  bless  me,  he's 
the  ma-a-an  —  " 

^^  Mr.  Sinivate,"  said  I,  imploringly,  "/j-  he  the  man 
in  the  mask?" 

53 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

"  No-0-0  !  "  said  he,  looking  wise,  '•  nor  the  man  in 
the  mo-o-on." 

This  reply  I  considered  a  pointed  and  positive 
insult,  and  so  left  the  house  at  once  in  high  dudgeon, 
with  a  firm  resolve  to  call  my  friend,  Mr.  Sinivate,  to 
a  speedy  account  for  his  ungentlemanly  conduct  and 
ill-breeding. 

In  the  mean  time,  however,  I  had  no  notion  of 
being  thwarted  touching  the  information  I  desired. 
There  was  one  resource  left  me  yet.  I  would  go  to 
the  fountain-head.  I  would  call  forthwith  upon  the 
General  himself,  and  demand,  in  explicit  terms,  a 
solution  of  this  abominable  piece  of  mystery.  Here, 
at  least,  there  should  be  no  chance  for  equivocation. 
I  would  be  plain,  positive,  peremptory  —  as  short  as 
pie-crust  —  as  concise  as  Tacitus  or  Montesquieu. 

It  was  early  when  I  called,  and  the  General  was 
dressing;  but  I  pleaded  urgent  business,  and  was 
shown  at  once  into  his  bedroom  by  an  old  negro 
valet,  who  remained  in  attendance  during  my  visit. 
As  I  entered  the  chamber,  I  looked  about,  of  course, 
for  the  occupant,  but  did  not  immediately  perceive 
him.  There  was  a  large  and  exceedingly  odd-looking 
bundle  of  something  which  lay  close  by  my  feet  on 
the' floor,  and,  as  I  was  not  in  the  best  humor  in  the 
world,  I  gave  it  a  kick  out  of  the  way. 

"  Hem  !  ahem !  rather  civil  that,  I  should  say  !  " 
said  the  bundle,  in  one  of  the  smallest,  and  altogether 
the  funniest  little  voices,  between  a  squeak  and  a 
whistle,  that  I  ever  heard  in  all  the  days  of  my 
existence. 

"Ahem!  rather  civil  that,  I  should  observe." 

I    fairly   shouted  with   terror,  and   made   off,  at   a 
tangent,  into  the  farthest  extremity  of  the  room. 
54 


THE   MAN    THAT    WAS   USED    UP 

"  God  bless  me  !  my  dear  fellow,"  here  again  whistled 
the  bundle,  "  what  —  what  —  what  —  why,  what  is  the 
matter?     I  really  believe  you  don't  know  me  at  all." 

What  could  I  say  to  all  this  —  what  could  I  ?  I 
staggered  into  an  arm-chair,  and,  with  staring  eyes 
and  open  mouth,  awaited  the  solution  of  the  wonder. 

"  Strange  you  should  n't  know  me  though,  is  n't 
it?"  presently  re-squeaked  the  nondescript,  which  I 
now  perceived  was  performing,  upon  the  floor,  some 
inexplicable  evolution,  very  analogous  to  the  drawing 
on  of  a  stocking.  There  was  only  a  single  leg,  how- 
ever, apparent. 

"Strange  you  shouldn't  know  me,  though,  isn't 
it  ?  Pompey,  bring  me  that  leg !  "  Here  Pompey 
handed  the  bundle  a  very  capital  cork  leg,  already 
dressed,  which  it  screwed  on  in  a  trice ;  and  then  it 
stood  up  before  my  eyes. 

"And  a  bloody  action  it  was^'"'  continued  the  thing, 
as  if  in  a  soliloquy  ;  "  but  then  one  must  n't  fight  with 
the  Bugaboos  and  Kickapoos,  and  think  of  coming 
off  with  a  mere  scratch.  Pompey,  I  '11  thank  you 
now  for  that  arm.  Thomas  "  (turning  to  me)  "  is 
decidedly  the  best  hand  at  a  cork  leg;  but  if  you 
should  ever  want  an  arm,  my  dear  fellow,  you  must 
really  let  me  recommend  you  to  Bishop."  Here 
Pompey  screwed  on   an  arm. 

"We  had  rather  hot  work  of  it,  that  you  may  say. 
Now,  you  dog,  slip  on  my  shoulders  and  bosom ! 
Pettitt  makes  the  best  shoulders,  but  for  a  bosom 
you  will  have  to  go  to  Ducrow." 

"  Bosom  !  "  said  I. 

"  Pompey,  will  you  7iever  be  ready  with  that  wig  ? 
Scalping  is  a  rough  process  after  all ;  but  then  you 
can  procure  such  a  capital  scratch  at  De  L'Orme's." 
SS 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

"  Scratch !  " 

"Now,  you  nigger,  my  teeth!  For  a  good  set  of 
these  you  had  better  go  to  Parmly's  at  once ;  high 
prices,  but  excellent  work.  I  swallowed  some  very 
capital  articles,  though,  when  the  big  Bugaboo 
rammed  me  down  with  the  but-end  of  his  rifle." 

"  But-end  !  ram  down  ! !  my  eye  ! !  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  by  the  bye,  my  eye  —  here,  Pompey,  you 
scamp,  screw  it  in  !  Those  Kickapoos  are  not  so  very 
slow  at  a  gouge ;  but  he  's  a  belied  man,  that  Dr. 
Williams,  after  all ;  you  can't  imagine  how  well  I  see 
with  the  eyes  of  his  make." 

I  now  began  very  clearly  to  perceive  that  the  object 
before  me  was  nothing  more  nor  less  than  my  new 
acquaintance.  Brevet  Brigadier-General  John  A.  B. 
C.  Smith.  The  m.anipulations  of  Pompey  had  made, 
I  must  confess,  a  very  striking  difference  in  the 
appearance  of  the  personal  man.  The  voice,  how- 
ever, still  puzzled  me  no  little ;  but  even  this  appar- 
ent mystery  was  speedily  cleared  up. 

"  Pompey,  you  black  rascal,"  squeaked  the  General, 
"  I  reully  do  believe  you  would  let  me  go  out  without 
my  palate." 

Hereupon  the  negro,  grumbling  out  an  apology, 
went  up  to  his  master,  opened  his  mouth  with  the 
knowing  air  of  a  horse-jockey,  and  adjusted  therein 
a  somewhat  singular-looking  machine,  in  a  very 
dexterous  manner,  that  I  could  not  altogether  com- 
prehend. The  alteration,  however,  in  the  entire 
expression  of  the  General's  countenance  was  instan- 
taneous and  surprising.  When  he  again  spoke,  his 
voice  had  resumed  all  that  rich  melody  and  strength 
which  I  had  noticed  upon  our  original  introduction. 

"  D — n  the  vagabonds  ! "  said  he,  in  so  clear  a 
56 


\ 

THE   MAN   THAT   WAS    USED   UP 

tone  that  I  positively  started  at  the  change,  "  D — n 
the  vagabonds !  they  not  only  knocked  in  the  roof  of 
my  mouth,  but  took  the  trouble  to  cut  off  at  least 
seven-eighths  of  my  tongue.  There  is  n't  Bonfanti's 
equal,  however,  in  America,  for  really  good  articles  of 
this  description.  I  can  recommend  you  to  him  with 
confidence  "  (here  the  General  bowed),  "  and  assure 
you  that  I  have  the  greatest  pleasure  in  so  doing." 

I  acknowledged  his  kindness  in  my  best  manner, 
and  took  leave  of  him  at  once,  with  a  perfect  under- 
standing of  the  true  state  of  affairs  —  with  a  full 
comprehension  of  the  mystery  which  had  troubled 
me  so  long.  It  was  evident.  It  was  a  clear  case. 
Brevet  Brigadier-General  John  A.  B.  C.  Smith  was 
the  man  —  was  the  man  that  was  used  up. 


57 


KING    PEST 

A   TALE   CONTAINING   AN    ALLEGORY 

The  goddes  do  beare  and  well  allow  in  kinges 
The  thinges  that  they  abhorre  in  rascall  routes. 

Buckhurst:  Ferrex  and  Porrex,  II.  i. 

About  twelve  o'clock,  one  niglit  in  the  month  of 
October,  and  during  the  chivalrous  reign  of  the  third 
Edward,  two  seamen  belonging  to  the  crew  of  the 
"  Free  and  Easy,"  a  trading  schooner  plying  between 
Sluys  and  the  Thames,  and  then  at  anchor  in  that 
river,  were  much  astonished  to  find  themselves  seated 
in  the  tap-room  of  an  ale-house  in  the  parish  of  St. 
Andrews,  London  —  which  ale-house  bore  for  sign  the 
portraiture  of  a  "  Jolly  Tar." 

The  room,  although  ill-contrived,  smoke-blackened, 
low-pitched,  and  in  every  other  respect  agreeing  with 
the  general  character  of  such  places  at  the  period,  was, 
nevertheless,  in  the  opinion  of  the  grotesque  groups 
scattered  here  and  there  within  it,  sufficiently  well 
adapted  to  its  purpose. 

Of  these  groups  our  two  seamen  formed,  I  think, 
the  most  interesting,  if  not  the  most  conspicuous. 

The  one  who  appeared  to  be  the  elder,  and  whom 
his  companion  addressed  by  the  characteristic  appel- 
lation of  "  Legs,"  was  at  the  same  time  much  the 
taller  of  the  two.  He  might  have  measured  six  feet 
58 


KING  PEST 

and  a  half,  and  an  habitual  stoop  in  the  shoulders 
seemed  to  have  been  the  necessary  consequence  of 
an  altitude  so  enormous.  Superfluities  in  height  were, 
however,  more  than  accounted  for  by  deficiencies  in 
other  respects.  He  was  exceedingly  thin;  and  might, 
as  his  associates  asserted,  have  answered,  when  drunk, 
for  a  pennant  at  the  mast  head,  or,  when  sober,  have 
served  for  a  jib-boom.  But  these  jests,  and  others  of 
a  similar  nature,  had  evidently  produced,  at  no  time, 
any  effect  upon  the  cachinnatory  muscles  of  the  tar. 
With  high  cheek-bones,  a  large  hawk-nose,  retreating 
chin,  fallen  under-jaw,  and  huge  protruding  white 
eyes,  the  expression  of  his  countenance,  although 
tinged  with  a  species  of  dogged  indifference  to  mat- 
ters and  things  in  general,  was  not  the  less  utterly 
solemn  and  serious  beyond  all  attempts  at  imitation 
or  description. 

The  younger  seaman  was,  in  all  outward  appear- 
ance, the  converse  of  his  companion.  His  stature 
could  not  have  exceeded  four  feet.  A  pair  of  stumpy 
bow-legs  supported  his  squat,  unwieldy  figure,  while 
his  unusually  short  and  thick  arms,  with  no  ordinary 
fists  at  their  extremities,  swung  off  danghng  from  his 
sides  Hke  the  fins  of  a  sea-turtle.  Small  eyes,  of  no 
particular  color,  twinkled  far  back  in  his  head.  His 
nose  remained  buried  in  the  mass  of  flesh  which  en- 
veloped his  round,  full,  and  purple  face ;  and  his 
thick  upper  hp  rested  upon  the  still  thicker  one  be- 
neath with  an  air  of  complacent  self-satisfaction, 
much  heightened  by  the  owner's  habit  of  licking 
them  at  intervals.  He  evidently  regarded  his  tall 
shipmate  with  a  feeling  half-wondrous,  half-quizzical ; 
and  stared  up  occasionally  in  his  face  as  the  red  set- 
ting sun  stares  up  at  the  crags  of  Ben  Nevis. 
59 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

Various  and  eventful,  however,  had  been  the  pere- 
grinations of  the  worthy  couple  in  and  about  the 
different  tap-houses  of  the  neighborhood  during  the 
earlier  hours  of  the  night.  Funds  even  the  most 
ample  are  not  always  everlasting ;  and  it  was  with 
empty  pockets  our  friends  had  ventured  upon  the 
present  hostelry. 

At  the  precise  period,  then,  when  this  history 
properly  commences,  Legs,  and  his  fellow,  Hugh 
Tarpaulin,  sat,  each  with  both  elbows  resting  upon 
the  large  oaken  table  in  the  middle  of  the  floor,  and 
with  a  hand  upon  either  cheek.  They  were  eying, 
from  behind  a  huge  flagon  of  unpaid-for  "  humming- 
stuff,"  the  portentous  words,  "  No  Chalk,"  which  to 
their  indignation  and  astonishment  were  scored  over 
the  doorway  by  means  of  that  very  mineral  v/hose 
presence  they  purported  to  deny.  Not  that  the  gift 
of  deciphering  written  characters  —  a  gift  among  the 
commonalty  of  that  day  considered  little  less  cabalis- 
tical  than  the  art  of  inditing  —  could,  in  strict  justice, 
have  been  laid  to  the  charge  of  either  disciple  of 
the  sea ;  but  there  was,  to  say  the  truth,  a  certain 
twist  in  the  formation  of  the  letters,  an  indescribable 
lee-lurch  about  the  whole,  which  foreboded  in  the 
opinion  of  both  seamen  a  long  run  of  dirty  weather ; 
and  determined  them  at  once,  in  the  allegorical  words 
of  Legs  himself,  to  "  pump  ship,  clew  up  all  sail,  and 
scud  before  the  wind." 

Having  accordingly  disposed  of  what  remained  of 
the  ale,  and  looped  up  the  points  of  their  short 
doublets,  they  finally  made  a  bolt  for  the  street.  Al- 
though Tarpaulin  rolled  twice  into  the  fireplace,  mis- 
taking it  for  the  door,  yet  their  escape  was  at  length 
happily  effected ;  and  half  after  twelve  o'clock  found 
60 


KING   PEST 

our  heroes  ripe  for  mischief,  and  running  for  life 
down  a  dark  alley  in  the  direction  of  St.  Andrew's 
Stair,  hotly  pursued  by  the  landlady  of  the  "Jolly  Tar." 

At  the  epoch  of  this  eventful  tale,  and  periodically 
for  many  years  before  and  after,  all  England,  but 
more  especially  the  metropolis,  resounded  with  the 
fearful  cry  of  "  Plague  ! "  The  city  was  in  a  great 
measure  depopulated ;  and  in  those  horrible  regions, 
in  the  vicinity  of  the  Thames,  where  amid  the  dark, 
narrow,  and  filthy  lanes  and  alleys  the  Demon  of 
Disease  was  supposed  to  have  had  his  nativity.  Awe, 
Terror,  and  Superstition  were  alone  to  be  found  stalk- 
ing abroad. 

By  authority  of  the  king  such  districts  were  placed 
under  ban,  and  all  persons  forbidden,  under  pain  of 
death,  to  intrude  upon  their  dismal  solitude.  Yet 
neither  the  mandate  of  the  monarch,  nor  the  huge 
barriers  erected  at  the  entrances  of  the  streets,  nor 
the  prospect  of  that  loathsome  death  which,  with 
almost  absolute  certainty,  overwhelmed  the  wretch 
whom  no  peril  could  deter  from  the  adventure,  pre- 
vented the  unfurnished  and  untenanted  dwellings 
from  being  stripped,  by  the  hand  of  nightly  rapine,  of 
every  article,  such  as  iron,  brass,  or  lead-work,  which 
could  in  any  manner  be  turned  to  a  profitable  account. 

Above  all,  it  was  usually  found,  upon  the  annual 
winter  opening  of  the  barriers,  that  locks,  bolts,  and 
secret  cellars  had  proved  but  slender  protection  to 
those  rich  stores  of  wines  and  liquors  which,  in  con- 
sideration of  the  risk  and  trouble  of  removal,  many 
of  the  numerous  dealers  having  shops  in  the  neigh- 
borhood had  consented  to  trust,  during  the  period  of 
exile,  to  so  insufficient  a  security. 

But  there  were  very  few  of  the  terror-stricken  people 
6i 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

who  attributed  these  doings  to  the  agency  of  human 
hands.  Pest-spirits,  plague-goblins,  and  fever-demons 
were  the  popular  imps  of  mischief;  and  tales  so  blood- 
chilling  were  hourly  told  that  the  whole  mass  of 
forbidden  buildings  was,  at  length,  enveloped  in  terror 
as  in  a  shroud,  and  the  plunderer  himself  was  often 
scared  away  by  the  horrors  his  own  depredations  had 
created ;  leaving  the  entire  vast  circuit  of  prohibited 
district  to  gloom,  silence,  pestilence,  and  death. 

It  was  by  one  of  the  terrific  barriers  already  men- 
tioned, and  which  indicated  the  region  beyond  to  be 
under  the  Pest-ban,  that,  in  scrambling  down  an  alley, 
Legs  and  the  worthy  Hugh  Tarpaulin  found  their 
progress  suddenly  impeded.  To  return  was  out  of  the 
question,  and  no  time  was  to  be  lost,  as  their  pursuers 
were  close  upon  their  heels.  With  thorough-bred 
seamen,  to  clamber  up  the  roughly  fashioned  plank- 
work  was  a  trifle;  and,  maddened  with  the  twofold 
excitement  of  exercise  and  liquor,  they  leaped  unhesi- 
tatingly down  within  the  enclosure,  and,  holding  on 
their  drunken  course  with  shouts  and  yellings,  were 
soon  bewildered  in  its  noisome  and  intricate  recesses. 

Had  they  not,  indeed,  been  intoxicated  beyond 
moral  sense,  their  reeling  footsteps  must  have  been 
palsied  by  the  horrors  of  their  situation.  The  air 
was  cold  and  misty.  The  paving-stones,  loosened 
from  their  beds,  lay  in  wild  disorder  amid  the  tall, 
rank  grass,  which  sprang  up  around  the  feet  and 
ankles.  Fallen  houses  choked  up  the  streets.  The 
most  fetid  and  poisonous  smells  everywhere  prevailed ; 
and  by  the  aid  of  that  ghastly  light  which,  even  at 
midnight,  never  fails  to  emanate  from  a  vapory  and 
pestilential  atmosphere,  might  be  discerned  lying  in 
the  by-paths  and  alleys,  or  rotting  in  the  windowless 
62 


KING   PEST 

habitations,  the  carcass  of  many  a  nocturnal  plunderer 
arrested  by  the  hand  of  the  plague  in  the  very- 
perpetration  of  his  robbery. 

But  it  lay  not  in  the  power  of  images,  or  sensations, 
or  impediments  such  as  these,  to  stay  the  course  of 
men  who,  naturally  brave,  and,  at  that  time  especially, 
brimful  of  courage  and  of  "  humming  stuff,  "  would 
have  reeled,  as  straight  as  their  condition  might  have 
permitted,  undauntedly  into  the  very  jaws  of  Death. 
Onward  —  still  onward  stalked  the  grim  Legs,  making 
the  desolate  solemnity  echo  and  re-echo  with  yells  like 
the  terrific  war-whoop  of  the  Indian;  and  onward,  still 
onward  rolled  the  dumpy  Tarpaulin,  hanging  on  to 
the  doublet  of  his  more  active  companion,  and  far 
surpassing  the  latter's  most  strenuous  exertions  in  the 
way  of  vocal  music,  by  bull-roarings  iji  basso,  from 
the  profundity  of  his  stentorian  lungs. 

They  had  now  evidently  reached  the  stronghold  of 
the  pestilence.  Their  way  at  every  step  or  plunge 
grew  more  noisome  and  more  horrible  —  the  paths 
more  narrow  and  more  intricate.  Huge  stones  and 
beams,  falling  momently  from  the  decaying  roofs 
above  them,  gave  evidence,  by  their  sullen  and  heavy 
descent,  of  the  vast  height  of  the  surrounding  houses; 
and  v/hile  actual  exertion  became  necessary  to  force  a 
passage  through  frequent  heaps  of  rubbish,  it  was  by 
no  means  seldom  that  the  hand  fell  upon  a  skeleton 
or  rested  upon  a  more  fleshy  corpse. 

Suddenly,  as  the  seamen  stumbled  against  the 
entrance  of  a  tall  and  ghastly-looking  building,  a  yell 
more  than  usually  shrill  from  the  throat  of  the  excited 
Legs  was  replied  to  from  within,  in  a  rapid  succession 
of  w^ild,  laughter-like,  and  fiendish  shrieks.  Nothing 
daunted  at  sounds  which,  of  such  a  nature,  at  such  a 
63 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

time,  and  in  such  a  place,  might  have  curdled  the  very 
blood  in  hearts  less  irrevocably  on  fire,  the  drunken 
couple  rushed  headlong  against  the  door,  burst  it  open, 
and  staggered  into  the  midst  of  things  with  a  volley 
of  curses. 

The  room  within  which  they  found  themselves 
proved  to  be  the  shop  of  an  undertaker ;  but  an  open 
trap-door,  in  a  corner  of  the  floor  near  the  entrance, 
looked  down  upon  a  long  range  of  wine-cellars,  whose 
depths  the  occasional  sound  of  bursting  bottles  pro- 
claimed to  be  well  stored  with  their  appropriate  con- 
tents. In  the  middle  of  the  room  stood  a  table,  in  the 
centre  of  which,  again,  arose  a  huge  tub  of  what 
appeared  to  be  punch.  Bottles  of  various  wines  and 
cordials,  together  with  jugs,  pitchens,  and  flagons  of 
every  shape  and  quality,  were  scattered  profusely  upon 
the  board.  Around  it,  upon  coffin-tressels,  was  seated 
a  company  of  six.  This  company  I  will  endeavor  to 
delineate,  one  by  one. 

Fronting  the  entrance,  and  elevated  a  little  above 
his  companions,  sat  a  personage  who  appeared  to  be 
the  president  of  the  table.  His  stature  was  gaunt 
and  tall,  and  Legs  was  confounded  to  behold  in  him  a 
figure  more  emaciated  than  himself.  His  face  was  as 
yellow  as  saffron  —  but  no  feature,  excepting  one 
alone,  was  sufficiently  marked  to  merit  a  particular 
description.  This  one  consisted  in  a  forehead  so 
unusually  and  hideously  lofty  as  to  have  the  appear- 
ance of  a  bonnet  or  crown  of  flesh  superadded  upon 
the  natural  head.  His  mouth  was  puckered  and 
dimpled  into  an  expression  of  ghastly  affabilit}'',  and 
his  eyes,  as  indeed  the  eyes  of  all  at  table,  were  glazed 
over  with  the  fumes  of  intoxication.  This  gentleman 
was  clothed  from  head  to  foot  in  a  richly  embroidered 
64 


KING   PEST    I 


J 


KING   PEST 

black  silk-velvet  pall,  wrapped  negligently  around  his 
form  after  the  fashion  of  a  Spanish  cloak.  His  head 
was  stuck  full  of  sable  hearse-plumes,  which  he  nodded 
to  and  fro  with  a  jaunty  and  knowing  air ;  and  in  his 
right  hand  he  held  a  huge  human  thigh-bone,  with 
which  he  appeared  to  have  been  just  knocking  down 
some  member  of  the  company  for  a  song. 

Opposite  him,  and  with  her  back  to  the  door,  was 
a  lady  of  no  whit  the  less  extraordinary  character. 
Although  quite  as  tall  as  the  person  just  described, 
she  had  no  right  to  complain  of  his  unnatural  emacia- 
tion. She  was  evidently  in  the  last  stage  of  a  dropsy ; 
and  her  figure  resembled  nearly  that  of  the  huge 
puncheon  of  October  beer  which  stood,  with  the  head 
driven  in,  close  by  her  side  in  a  corner  of  the 
chamber.  Her  face  was  exceedingly  round,  red,  and 
full ;  and  the  same  peculiarity,  or  rather  want  of  pecu- 
liarity, attached  itself  to  her  countenance,  which  I 
before  mentioned  in  the  case  of  the  president  —  that 
is  to  say,  only  one  feature  of  her  face  was  sufficiently 
distinguished  to  need  a  separate  characterization; 
indeed,  the  acute  Tarpaulin  immediately  observed  that 
the  same  remark  might  have  applied  to  each  individual 
person  of  the  party,  every  one  of  whom  seemed  to 
possess  a  monopoly  of  some  particular  portion  of 
physiognomy.  With  the  lady  in  question  this  portion 
proved  to  be  the  mouth.  Commencing  at  the  right 
ear,  it  swept  with  a  terrific  chasm  to  the  left  —  the 
short  pendants  which  she  wore  in  either  auricle 
continually  bobbing  into  the  aperture.  She  made, 
however,  every  exertion  to  keep  her  mouth  closed  and 
look  dignified,  in  a  dress  consisting  of  a  newly  starched 
and  ironed  shroud  coming  up  close  under  her  chin, 
with  a  crimpled  rufile  of  cambric  muslin. 
VOL.  IV.  —  5  65 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

At  her  right  hand  sat  a  diminutive  young  lady 
whom  she  appeared  to  patronize.  This  dehcate  httle 
creature,  in  the  trembHng  of  her  wasted  fingers,  in  the 
livid  hue  of  her  lips,  and  in  the  slight  hectic  spot 
which  tinged  her  otherwise  leaden  complexion,  gave 
evident  indications  of  a  galloping  consumption.  An 
air  of  extreme  haut  ton,  however,  pervaded  her  whole 
appearance ;  she  wore  in  a  graceful  and  degage  man- 
ner a  large  and  beautiful  winding-sheet  of  the  finest 
India  lawn;  her  hair  hung  in  ringlets  over  her  neck; 
a  soft  smile  played  about  her  mouth ;  but  her  nose, 
extremely  long,  thin,  sinuous,  flexible,  and  pimpled, 
hung  down  far  below  her  under  lip,  and  in  spite  of 
the  delicate  manner  in  which  she  now  and  then  moved 
it  to  one  side  or  the  other  with  her  tongue,  gave  to 
her  countenance  a  somewhat  equivocal  expression. 

Over  against  her,  and  upon  the  left  of  the  dropsical 
lady,  was  seated  a  little  puffy,  wheezing,  and  gouty 
old  man,  whose  cheeks  reposed  upon  the  shoulders  of 
their  owner,  like  two  huge  bladders  of  Oporto  wine. 
With  his  arms  folded,  and  with  one  bandaged  leg 
deposited  upon  the  table,  he  seemed  to  think  himself 
entitled  to  some  consideration.  He  evidently  prided 
himself  much  upon  every  inch  of  his  personal  appear- 
ance, but  took  more  especial  delight  in  calling  atten- 
tion to  his  gaudy-colored  surtout.  This,  to  say  the 
truth,  must  have  cost  him  no  little  money,  and  was 
made  to  fit  him  exceedingly  well  —  being  fashioned 
from  one  of  the  curiously  embroidered  silken  covers 
appertaining  to  those  glorious  escutcheons  which,  in 
England  and  elsewhere,  are  customarily  hung  up,  in 
some  conspicuous  place,  upon  the  dweUings  of  de- 
parted aristocracy. 

Next  to  him,  and  at  the  right  hand  of  the  president, 
66 


KING   PEST 

was  a  gentleman  in  long  white  hose  and  cotton  drawers. 
His  frame  shook,  in  a  ridiculous  manner,  with  a  fit  of 
what  Tarpaulin  called  "the  horrors."  His  jaws, 
which  had  been  newly  shaved,  were  tightly  tied  up  by 
a  bandage  of  muslin ;  and  his  arms,  being  fastened  in 
a  similar  way  at  the  wrists,  prevented  him  from  help- 
ing himself  too  freely  to  the  liquors  upon  the  table ;  a 
precaution  rendered  necessary,  in  the  opinion  of  Legs, 
by  the  peculiarly  sottish  and  wine-bibbing  cast  of  his 
visage.  A  pair  of  prodigious  ears,  nevertheless, 
which  it  was  no  doubt  found  impossible  to  confine, 
towered  away  into  the  atmosphere  of  the  apartment, 
and  were  occasionally  pricked  up  in  a  spasm,  at  the 
sound  of  the  drawing  of  a  cork. 

Fronting  him,  sixthly  and  lastly,  was  situated  a 
singularly  stiff-looking  personage,  who,  being  afflicted 
with  paralysis,  must,  to  speak  seriously,  have  felt  very  ill 
at  ease  in  his  unaccommodating  habiliments.  He  was 
habited,  somewhat  uniquely,  in  a  new  and  handsome 
mahogany  coffin.  Its  top  or  head-piece  pressed  upon 
the  skull  of  the  wearer,  and  extended  over  it  in  the 
fashion  of  a  hood,  giving  to  the  entire  face  Un  air  of 
indescribable  interest.  Armholes  had  been  cut  in  the 
sides,  for  the  sake  not  more  of  elegance  than  of  con- 
venience ;  but  the  dress,  nevertheless,  prevented  its 
proprietor  from  sitting  as  erect  as  his  associates ;  and 
as  he  lay  reclining  against  his  tressel,  at  an  angle  of 
forty-five  degrees,  a  pair  of  huge  goggle  eyes  rolled 
up  their  awful  whites  towards  the  ceiling  in  absolute 
amazement  at  their  own  enormity. 

Before  each  of  the  party  lay  a  portion  of  a  skull, 

which  was  used  as  a  drinking-cup.     Overhead   was 

suspended  a  human  skeleton,  by  means  of  a  rope  tied 

round  one  of  the  legs  and  fastened  to  a  ring  in  the 

(^1 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

ceiling.  The  other  limb,  confined  by  no  such  fetter, 
stuck  off  from  the  body  at  right  angles,  causing  the 
whole  loose  and  rattling  frame  to  dangle  and  twirl 
about  at  the  caprice  of  every  occasional  puff  of  wind 
which  found  its  way  into  the  apartment.  In  the  cra- 
nium of  this  hideous  thing  lay  a  quantity  of  ignited 
charcoal,  which  threw  a  fitful  but  vivid  light  over  the 
entire  scene;  while  cofiins,  and  other  wares  apper- 
taining to  the  shop  of  an  undertaker,  were  piled  high 
up  around  the  room,  and  against  the  windows,  pre- 
venting any  ray  from  escaping  into  the  street. 

At  sight  of  this  extraordinary  assembly,  and  of  their 
still  more  extraordinary  paraphernalia,  our  two  sea- 
men did  not  conduct  themselves  with  that  degree  of 
decorum  which  might  have  been  expected.  Legs,  lean- 
ing against  the  wall  near  which  he  happened  to  be 
standing,  dropped  his  lower  jaw  still  lower  than  usual, 
and  spread  open  his  eyes  to  their  fullest  extent ;  while 
Hugh  Tarpaulin,  stooping  down  so  as  to  bring  his  nose 
upon  a  level  with  the  table,  and  spreading  out  a  palm 
upon  either  knee,  burst  into  a  long,  loud,  and  obstrep- 
erous roar  of  very  ill-timed  and  immoderate  laughter. 

Without,  however,  taking  offence  at  behavior  so 
excessively  rude,  the  tall  president  smiled  very  gra- 
ciously upon  the  intruders  —  nodded  to  them  in  a  dig- 
nified manner  with  his  head  of  sable  plumes  —  and, 
arising,  took  each  by  an  arm,  and  led  him  to  a  seat 
which  some  others  of  the  company  had  placed  in  the 
mean  time  for  his  accommodation.  Legs  to  all  this 
offered  not  the  slightest  resistance,  but  sat  down  as 
he  was  directed ;  while  the  gallant  Hugh,  removing 
his  coffin-tressel  from  its  station,  near  the  head  of  the 
table,  to  the  vicinity  of  the  little  consumptive  lady  in 
the  winding-sheet,  plumped  down  by  her  side  in  high 
68 


KING   PEST 

glee,  and,  pouring  out  a  skull  of  red  wine,  quaffed  it 
to  their  better  acquaintance.  But  at  this  presumption 
the  stiff  gentleman  in  the  coffin  seemed  exceedingly- 
nettled  ;  and  serious  consequences  might  have  ensued, 
had  not  the  president,  rapping  upon  the  table  with 
his  truncheon,  diverted  the  attention  of  all  present  to 
the  following  speech  :  — 

"It  becomes  our  duty  upon  the  present  happy 
occasion  —  " 

"  Avast  there !  "  interrupted  Legs,  looking  very 
serious,  "  avast  there  a  bit,  I  say,  and  tell  us  who  the 
devil  ye  all  are,  and  what  business  ye  have  here, 
rigged  off  like  the  foul  fiends,  and  swilling  the  snug 
blue  ruin  stowed  away  for  the  winter  by  my  honest 
shipmate.  Will  Wimble,  the  undertaker ! " 

At  this  unpardonable  piece  of  ill  breeding,  all  the 
original  company  half  started  to  their  feet,  and  uttered 
the  same  rapid  succession  of  wild  fiendish  shrieks 
which  had  before  caught  the  attention  of  the  seamen. 
The  president,  however,  was  the  first  to  recover  his 
composure,  and  at  length,  turning  to  Legs  with  great 
dignity,  recommenced :  — 

"  Most  willingly  will  we  gratify  any  reasonable 
curiosity  on  the  part  of  guests  so  illustrious,  unbidden 
though  they  be.  Know  then  that  in  these  dominions 
I  am  monarch,  and  here  rule  with  undivided  empire 
under  the  title  of  '  King  Pest,  the  First.' 

"This  apartment,  which  you  no  doubt  profanely 
suppose  to  be  the  shop  of  Will  Wimble,  the  under- 
taker —  a  man  whom  we  know  not,  and  whose  plebeian 
appellation  has  never  before  this  night  thwarted  our 
royal  ears  —  this  apartment,  I  say,  is  the  Dais-Cham- 
ber of  our  Palace,  devoted  to  the  councils  of  our 
kingdom,  and  to  other  sacred  and  lofty  purposes. 

69 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

"  The  noble  lady  who  sits  opposite  is  Queen  Pest, 
our  Serene  Consort.  The  other  exalted  personages 
whom  you  behold  are  all  of  our  family,  and  wear  the 
insignia  of  the  blood  royal  under  the  respective  titles 
of  '  His  Grace,  the  Arch  Duke  Pest-Iferous,'  '  His 
Grace,  the  Duke  Pest-Ilential,'  '  His  Grace,  the  Duke 
Tem-Pest,'  and  'Her  Serene  Highness,  the  Arch 
Duchess  Ana-Pest.' 

"  As  regards,"  continued  he,  "  your  demand  of  the 
business  upon  which  we  sit  here  in  council,  we  might 
be  pardoned  for  replying  that  it  concerns,  and  con- 
cerns alone,  our  own  private  and  regal  interest,  and 
is  in  no  manner  important  to  any  other  than  ourself . 
But,  in  consideration  of  those  rights  to  which  as 
guests  and  strangers  you  may  feel  yourselves  entitled, 
we  will  furthermore  explain  that  we  are  here  this 
night,  prepared  by  deep  research  and  accurate  investi- 
gation, to  examine,  analyze,  and  thoroughly  deter- 
mine the  indefinable  spirit  —  the  incomprehensible 
qualities  and  nature  —  of  those  inestimable  treasures 
of  the  palate,  the  wines,  ales,  and  liquors  of  this 
goodly  metropolis ;  by  so  doing  to  advance  not  more 
our  own  designs  than  the  true  welfare  of  that 
unearthly  sovereign  whose  reign  is  over  us  all, 
whose  dominions  are  unlimited,  and  whose  name  is 
'  Death.' " 

"Whose  name  is  Davy  Jones!"  ejaculated  Tar- 
paulin, helping  the  lady  by  his  side  to  a  skull  of 
liquor,  and  pouring  out  a  second  for  himself. 

"  Profane  varlet !  "  said  the  president,  now  turning 
his  attention  to  the  worthy  Hugh,  "  profane  and 
execrable  wretch  !  —  we  have  said  that,  in  considera- 
tion of  those  rights  which,  even  in  thy  filthy  person, 
we  feel  no  inclination  to  violate,  we  have  conde- 
70 


KING   PEST 

scended  to  make  reply  to  thy  rude  and  unseasonable 
inquiries.  We,  nevertheless,  for  your  unhallowed  in- 
trusion upon  our  councils,  believe  it  our  duty  to 
mulct  thee  and  thy  companion  in  each  a  gallon  of 
Black  Strap  —  having  imbibed  which  to  the  pros- 
perity of  our  kingdom,  at  a  single  draught,  and  upon 
your  bended  knees,  ye  shall  be  forthwith  free  either 
to  proceed  upon  your  way,  or  remain  and  be  admitted 
to  the  privileges  of  our  table,  according  to  your 
respective  and  individual  pleasures." 

"It  would  be  a  matter  of  utter  unpossibility,"  re- 
plied Legs,  whom  the  assumptions  and  dignity  of 
King  Pest,  the  First,  had  evidently  inspired  with  some 
feelings  of  respect,  and  who  arose  and  steadied  him- 
self by  the  table  as  he  spoke  — "  it  would,  please 
your  Majesty,  be  a  matter  of  utter  unpossibility  to 
stow  away  in  my  hold  even  one-fourth  part  of  that 
same  liquor  which  your  Majesty  has  just  mentioned. 
To  say  nothing  of  the  stuffs  placed  on  board  in  the 
forenoon  by  way  of  ballast,  and  not  to  mention  the 
various  ales  and  liquors  shipped  this  evening  at 
various  seaports,  I  have,  at  present,  a  full  cargo  of 
'  humming  stuff '  taken  in  and  duly  paid  for  at  the 
sign  of  the  '  Jolly  Tar.'  You  will,  therefore,  please 
your  Majesty,  be  so  good  as  to  take  the  will  for  the 
deed;  for  by  no  manner  of  means  either  can  I  or 
will  I  swallow  another  drop  ;  least  of  all  a  drop  of 
that  villanous  bilge-water  that  answers  to  the  hail 
of  '  Black  Strap.'  " 

"  Belay  that !  "  interrupted  Tarpaulin  —  astonished 
not  more  at  the  length  of  his  companion's  speech 
than  at  the  nature  of  his  refusal  —  *'  Belay  that,  you 
lubber !  —  and  I  say,  Legs,  none  of  your  palaver ! 
My  hull  is  still  light,  although  I  confess  you  yourself 
71 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

seem  to  be  a  little  top-heavy ;  and  as  for  the  matter 
of  your  share  of  the  cargo,  why  rather  than  raise 
a  squall  I  would  find  stowage-room  for  it  myself, 
but  —  " 

"  This  proceeding,"  interposed  the  president,  "  is 
by  no  means  in  accordance  with  the  terms  of  the 
mulct  or  sentence,  which  is  in  its  nature  Median, 
and  not  to  be  altered  or  recalled.  The  conditions 
we  have  imposed  must  be  fulfilled  to  the  letter,  and 
that  without  a  moment's  hesitation;  in  failure  of 
which  fulfilment  we  decree  that  you  do  here  be  tied 
neck  and  heels  together,  and  duly  drowned  as  rebels 
in  yon  hogshead  of  October  beer  !  " 

"  A  sentence  !  —  a  sentence  !  —  a  righteous  and  just 
sentence !  —  a  glorious  decree  !  —  a  most  worthy  and 
upright,  and  holy  condemnation  !  "  shouted  the  Pest 
family  altogether.  The  king  elevated  his  forehead 
into  innumerable  wrinkles ;  the  gouty  little  old  man 
puffed  like  a  pair  of  bellows  ;  the  lady  of  the  winding- 
sheet  waved  her  nose  to  and  fro ;  the  gentleman  in 
the  cotton  drawers  pricked  up  his  ears;  she  of  the 
shroud  gasped  like  a  dying  fish ;  and  he  of  the  coffin 
looked   stiff  and  rolled  up  his  eyes. 

"  Ugh  !  ugh  !  ugh  !  "  chuckled  Tarpaulin,  without 
heeding  the  general  excitation,  "  ugh  !  ugh  !  ugh  !  — 
ugh  !  ugh  !  ugh  !  ugh  !  —  ugh  !  ugh  !  ugh  —  I  was 
saying,"  said  he,  "  I  was  saying  when  Mr.  King  Pest 
poked  in  his  marlin-spike,  that  as  for  the  matter  of 
two  or  three  gallons  more  or  less  of  Black  Strap, 
it  was  a  trifle  to  a  tight  sea-boat  like  myself  not 
overstowed ;  but  when  it  comes  to  drinking  the  health 
of  the  Devil  (whom  God  assoilzie)  and  going  down 
upon  my  marrow-bones  to  His  ill-favored  Majesty 
there,  whom  I  know,  as  well  as  I  know  myself  to 
72 


KING   PEST    II 


KING  PEST 

be  a  sinner,  to  be  nobody  in  the  whole  world  but 
Tim  Hurlygurly,  the  stage-player! — why!  it's  quite 
another  guess  sort  of  a  thing,  and  utterly  and  alto- 
gether past  my  comprehension," 

He  was  not  allowed  to  finish  this  speech  in  tran- 
quillity. At  the  name  of  Tim  Hurlygurly  the  whole 
assembly  leaped  from  their  seats. 

"  Treason !  "  shouted  His  Majesty,  King  Pest,  the 
First. 

"  Treason  !  "  said  the  little  man  with  the  gout. 

"  Treason  !  "  screamed  the  Arch  Duchess  Ana-Pest. 

"  Treason  !  "  muttered  the  gentleman  with  his  jaws 
tied  up. 

"  Treason  !  "  growled  he  of  the  coffin. 

"  Treason  !  treason  !  "  shrieked  Her  Majesty  of  the 
mouth  ;  and,  seizing  by  the  hinder  part  of  his  breeches 
the  unfortunate  Tarpauhn,  who  had  just  commenced 
pouring  out  for  himself  a  skull  of  liquor,  she  lifted 
him  high  into  the  air,  and  let  him  fall  without  cere- 
mony into  the  huge  open  puncheon  of  his  beloved 
ale.  Bobbing  up  and  down,  for  a  few  seconds,  like 
an  apple  in  a  bowl  of  toddy,  he,  at  length,  finally 
disappeared  amid  the  whirlpool  of  foam  which,  in 
the  already  effervescent  liquor,  his  struggles  easily 
succeeded  in  creating. 

Not  tamely,  however,  did  the  tall  seaman  behold 
the  discomfiture  of  his  companion.  Jostling  King 
Pest  through  the  open  trap,  the  valiant  Legs  slammed 
the  door  down  upon  him  with  an  oath,  and  strode 
towards  the  centre  of  the  room.  Here  tearing  down 
the  skeleton  which  swung  over  the  table,  he  laid  it 
about  him  with  so  much  energy  and  good-will,  that, 
as  the  last  glimpses  of  light  died  away  within  the 
apartment,  he  succeeded  in  knocking  out  the  brains 
73 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

of  the  little  gentleman  with  the  gout.  Rushing  then 
with  all  his  force  against  the  fatal  hogshead  full 
of  October  ale  and  Hugh  Tarpaulin,  he  rolled  it 
over  and  over  in  an  instant.  Out  burst  a  deluge 
of  liquor  so  fierce  —  so  impetuous  —  so  overwhelming 
—  that  the  room  was  flooded  from  wall  to  wall  — 
the  loaded  table  was  overturned  —  the  tressels  were 
thrown  upon  their  backs  —  the  tub  of  punch  into 
the  fireplace — and  the  ladies  into  hysterics.  Piles 
of  death-furniture  floundered  about.  Jugs,  pitchers, 
and  carboys  mingled  promiscuously  in  the  7nelee,  and 
wicker  flagons  encountered  desperately  with  bottles 
of  junk.  The  man  with  the  horrors  was  drowned 
upon  the  spot  —  the  little  stiff  gentleman  floated  off 
in  his  coflin  —  and  the  victorious  Legs,  seizing  by 
the  waist  the  fat  lady  in  the  shroud,  rushed  out  with 
her  into  the  street,  and  made  a  bee-line  for  the  "  Free 
and  Easy,"  followed  under  easy  sail  by  the  redoubt- 
able Hugh  Tarpaulin,  who,  having  sneezed  three  or 
four  times,  panted  and  puffed  after  him  with  the  Arch 
Duchess  Ana-Pest. 


74 


LOSS    OF    BREATH 

A    TALE    NEITHER   IN    NOR   OUT   OF    "  BLACKWOOD  " 

Oh,  breathe  not,  etc.  — 

Moore  :   Melodies. 

1  HE  most  notorious  ill- fortune  must  in  the  end 
yield  to  the  untiring  courage  of  philosophy,  as  the 
most  stubborn  city  to  the  ceaseless  vigilance  of  an 
enemy.  Salmanezer,  as  we  have  it  in  the  holy  writ- 
ings, lay  three  years  before  Samaria ;  yet  it  fell. 
Sardanapalus  —  see  Diodorus  —  maintained  himself 
seven  in  Nineveh ;  but  to  no  purpose.  Troy  expired 
at  the  close  of  the  second  lustrum;  and  Azotus,  as 
Aristaeus  declares  upon  his  honor  as  a  gentleman, 
opened  at  last  her  gates  to  Psammitichus,  after  hav- 
ing barred  them  for  the  fifth  part  of  a  century. 

"  Thou  wretch  !  —  thou  vixen  !  —  thou  shrew !  " 
said  I  to  my  wife  on  the  morning  after  our  wedding, 
"  thou  witch  !  —  thou  hag  !  —  thou  whipper-snapper  ! 
—  thou  sink  of  iniquity  !  —  thou  fiery-faced  quintes- 
sence of  all  that  is  abominable  !  —  thou  —  thou  —  " 
here  standing  upon  tiptoe,  seizing  her  by  the  throat, 
and  placing  my  mouth  close  to  her  ear,  I  was  prepar- 
ing to  launch  forth  a  new  and  more  decided  epithet 
of  opprobrium,  which  should  not  fail,  if  ejaculated, 
to  convince  her  of  her  insignificance,  when,  to  my 
extreme  horror  and  astonishment,  I  discovered  that 
/  had  lost  my  breath. 

75 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

The  phrases  "  I  am  out  of  breath,"  "I  have  lost 
my  breath,"  etc.,  are  often  enough  repeated  in  common 
conversation ;  but  it  had  never  occurred  to  me  that 
the  terrible  accident  of  which  I  speak  could  bona  fide 
and  actually  happen  !  Imagine  —  that  is  if  you  have 
a  fanciful  turn  —  imagine,  I  say,  my  wonder,  my  con- 
sternation, my  despair ! 

There  is  a  good  genius,  however,  which  has  never 
entirely  deserted  me.  In  my  most  ungovernable  moods 
I  still  retain  a  sense  of  propriety,  et  le  chemin  des  pas- 
sions me  conduit  —  as  Lord  Edouard  in  the  Julie 
says  it  did  him  —  a  la  philosophie  veritable. 

Although  I  could  not  at  first  precisely  ascertain  to 
what  degree  the  occurrence  had  affected  me,  I  deter- 
mined at  all  events  to  conceal  the  matter  from  my 
wife,  until  further  experience  should  discover  to  me 
the  extent  of  this  my  unheard  of  calamity.  Altering 
my  countenance,  therefore,  in  a  moment,  from  its 
bepuffed  and  distorted  appearance  to  an  expression 
of  arch  and  coquettish  benignity,  I  gave  my  lady  a 
pat  on  the  one  cheek,  and  a  kiss  on  the  other,  and 
without  saying  one  syllable  (Furies  !  I  could  not), 
left  her  astonished  at  my  drollery,  as  I  pirouetted  out 
of  the  room  in  a/^j-  de  zephyr. 

Behold  me  then  safely  ensconced  in  my  private 
boudoir,  a  fearful  instance  of  the  ill  consequences 
attending  upon  irascibility;  alive,  with  the  qualifica- 
tions of  the  dead ;  dead,  with  the  propensities  of  the 
living  ;  an  anomaly  on  the  face  of  the  earth  —  being 
very  calm,  yet  breathless. 

Yes !  breathless.    I  am  serious  in  asserting  that  my 

breath  was  entirely  gone.     I  could  not  have  stirred 

with  it  a  feather  if  my  life  had  been  at  issue,  or  sul- 

lied  even  the  delicacy  of  a  mirror.     Hard  fate!  —  yet 

1^ 


LOSS   OF   BREATH 

there  was  some  alleviation  to  the  first  overwhelming 
paroxysm  of  my  sorrow.  I  found,  upon  trial,  that 
the  powers  of  utterance,  which,  upon  my  inability  to 
proceed  in  the  conversation  with  my  wife,  I  then  con- 
cluded to  be  totally  destroyed,  were  in  fact  only  par- 
tially impeded,  and  I  discovered  that,  had  I  at  that 
interesting  crisis  dropped  my  voice  to  a  singularly 
deep  guttural,  I  might  still  have  continued  to  her  the 
communication  of  my  sentiments ;  this  pitch  of  voice 
(the  guttural)  depending,  I  find,  not  upon  the  current 
of  the  breath,  but  upon  a  certain  spasmodic  action  of 
the  muscles  of  the  throat. 

Throwing  myself  upon  a  chair,  I  remained  for  some 
time  absorbed  in  meditation.  My  reflections,  be  sure, 
were  of  no  consolatory  kind.  A  thousand  vague  and 
lachrymatory  fancies  took  possession  of  my  soul, 
and  even  the  idea  of  suicide  flitted  across  my  brain ; 
but  it  is  a  trait  in  the  perversity  of  human  nature  to 
reject  the  obvious  and  the  ready  for  the  far-distant 
and  equivocal.  Thus  I  shuddered  at  self-murder  as 
the  most  decided  of  atrocities,  while  the  tabby  cat 
purred  strenuously  upon  the  rug,  and  the  very  water- 
dog  wheezed  assiduously  under  the  table ;  each  tak- 
ing to  itself  much  merit  for  the  strength  of  its  lungs, 
and  all  obviously  done  in  derision  of  my  own  pul- 
monary incapacity. 

Oppressed  with  a  tumult  of  vague  hopes  and  fears, 
I  at  length  heard  the  footsteps  of  my  wife  descend- 
ing the  staircase.  Being  now  assured  of  her  absence, 
I  returned  with  a  palpitating  heart  to  the  scene  of  my 
disaster. 

Carefully  locking  the  door  on  the  inside,  I  com- 
menced a  vigorous  search.  It  was  possible,  I  thought 
that,  concealed  in  some  obscure  corner,  or  lurking  in 

n 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

some  closet  or  drawer,  might  be  found  the  lost  object 
of  my  inquiry.  It  might  have  a  vapory  —  it  might 
even  have  a  tangible  form.  Most  philosophers,  upon 
many  points  of  philosophy,  are  still  very  unphilosophi- 
cal.  William  Godwin,  however,  says  in  his  "Man- 
deville  "  that  "  invisible  things  are  the  only  realities," 
and  this  all  will  allow  is  a  case  in  point.  I  would 
have  the  judicious  reader  pause  before  accusing  such 
asseverations  of  an  undue  quantum  of  absurdity. 
Anaxagoras,  it  will  be  remembered,  maintained  that 
snow  is  black,  and  this  I  have  since  found  to  be  the 
case. 

Long  and  earnestly  did  I  continue  the  investiga- 
tion ;  but  the  contemptible  reward  of  my  industry 
and  perseverance  proved  to  be  only  a  set  of  false 
teeth,  two  pairs  of  hips,  an  eye,  and  a  bundle  of 
billets-doux  from  IVIr.  Windenough  to  my  wife.  I 
might  as  well  here  observe  that  this  confirmation  of 

my  lady's  partiality  for  Mr.    W occasioned  me 

little  uneasiness.  That  Mrs.  Lackobreath  should  ad- 
mire anything  so  dissimilar  to  myself  was  a  natural 
and  necessary  evil.  I  am,  it  is  well  known,  of  a 
robust  and  corpulent  appearance,  and  at  the  same 
time  somewhat  diminutive  in  stature.  What  wonder, 
then,  that  the  lath-like  tenuity  of  my  acquaintance, 
and  his  altitude,  which  has  grown  into  a  proverb, 
should  have  met  with  all  due  estimation  in  the  eyes 
of  Mrs.  Lackobreath.     But  to  return. 

My  exertions,  as  I  have  before  said,  proved  fruit- 
less. Closet  after  closet  —  drawer  after  drawer  — 
corner  after  corner  —  were  scrutinized  to  no  purpose. 
At  one  time,  however,  I  thought  myself  sure  of  my 
prize,  having  in  rummaging  a  dressing-case  acciden- 
tally demolished  a  bottle  of  Grandjean's  Oil  of  Arch- 
78 


LOSS   OF   BREATH 

angels  —  which,  as  an  agreeable  perfume,  I  here  take 
the  liberty  of  recommending. 

With  a  heavy  heart  I  returned  to  my  boudoir  — 
there  to  ponder  upon  some  method  of  eluding  my 
wife's  penetration,  until  I  could  make  arrangements 
prior  to  my  leaving  the  country,  for  to  this  I  had 
already  made  up  my  mind.  In  a  foreign  climate,  being 
unknown,  I  might,  with  some  probability  of  success, 
endeavor  to  conceal  my  unhappy  calamity  —  a  calam- 
ity calculated  even  more  than  beggary  to  estrange 
the  affections  of  the  multitude,  and  to  draw  down 
upon  the  wretch  the  well-merited  indignation  of  the 
virtuous  and  the  happy.  I  was  not  long  in  hesitation. 
Being  naturally  quick,  I  committed  to  memory  the 
entire  tragedy  of  "  Metamora."  I  had  the  good 
fortune  to  recollect  that  in  the  accentuation  of  this 
drama,  or  at  least  of  such  portion  of  it  as  is  allotted 
to  the  hero,  the  tones  of  voice  in  which  I  found 
myself  deficient  w^ere  altogether  unnecessary,  and 
that  the  deep  guttural  was  expected  to  reign  monot- 
onously throughout, 

I  practised  for  some  time  by  the  borders  of  a  well- 
frequented  marsh ;  herein,  however,  having  no  refer- 
ence to  a  similar  proceeding  of  Demosthenes,  but 
from  a  design  peculiarly  and  conscientiously  my  own. 
Thus  armed  at  all  points,  I  determined  to  make  my 
wife  beUeve  that  I  was  suddenly  smitten  with  a  pas- 
sion for  the  stage.  In  this  I  succeeded  to  a  miracle; 
and  to  every  question  or  suggestion  found  myself  at 
liberty  to  reply  in  my  most  frog-like  and  sepulchral 
tones  v/ith  some  passage  from  the  tragedy ;  any  por- 
tion of  which,  as  I  soon  took  great  pleasure  in 
observing,  would  apply  equally  well  to  any  particular 
subject.  It  is  not  to  be  supposed,  however,  that  in  the 
79 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

delivery  of  such  passages  I  was  found  at  all  deficient 
in  the  looking  asquint,  the  showing  my  teeth,  the 
working  my  knees,  the  shuffling  my  feet,  or  in  any  of 
those  unmentionable  graces  which  are  now  justly 
considered  the  characteristics  of  a  popular  performer. 
To  be  sure,  they  spoke  of  confining  me  in  a  strait- 
jacket  ;  but,  good  God  !  they  never  suspected  me  of 
having  lost  my  breath. 

Having  at  length  put  my  affairs  in  order,  I  took  my 

seat  very  early  one  morning  in  the  mail  stage  for , 

giving  it  to  be  understood,  among  my  acquaintances, 
that  business  of  the  last  importance  required  my 
immediate  personal  attendance  in  that  city. 

The  coach  was  crammed  to  repletion ;  but  in  the 
uncertain  twihght  the  features  of  my  companions 
could  not  be  distinguished.  Without  making  any 
effectual  resistance,  I  suffered  myself  to  be  placed 
between  two  gentlemen  of  colossal  dimensions ;  while 
a  third,  of  a  size  larger,  requesting  pardon  for  the 
liberty  he  was  about  to  take,  threw  himself  upon  my 
body  at  full  length,  and,  falling  asleep  in  an  instant, 
drowned  all  my  guttural  ejaculations  for  relief  in  a 
snore  v/hich  would  have  put  to  blush  the  roarings  of 
the  bull  of  Phalaris.  Happily  the  state  of  my  respi- 
ratory faculties  rendered  suffocation  an  accident  en- 
tirely out  of  the  question. 

As,  however,  the  day  broke  more  distinctly,  in  our 
approach  to  the  outskirts  of  the  city,  my  tormentor, 
arising  and  adjusting  his  shirt-collar,  thanked  me  in  a 
very  friendly  manner  for  my  civility.  Seeing  that  I 
remained  motionless  (all  my  limbs  were  dislocated 
and  my  head  twisted  on  one  side),  his  apprehensions 
began  to  be  excited ;  and,  arousing  the  rest  of  the 
passengers,  he  communicated  in  a  very  decided 
80 


LOSS    OF   BREATH 

manner  his  opinion  that  a  dead  man  had  been  palmed 
upon  them  during  the  night  for  a  living  and  respon- 
sible fellow-traveller ;  here  giving  me  a  thump  on  the 
right  eye,  by  way  of  demonstrating  the  truth  of  his 
suggestion. 

Hereupon  all,  one  after  another  (there  were  nine 
in  company),  beHeved  it  their  duty  to  pull  me  by  the 
ear,  A  young  practising  physician,  too,  having 
applied  a  pocket-mirror  to  my  mouth,  and  found  me 
without  breath,  the  assertion  of  my  persecutor  was 
pronounced  a  true  bill ;  and  the  whole  party  expressed 
a  determination  to  endure  tamely  no  such  impositions 
for  the  future,  and  to  proceed  no  farther  with  any 
such  carcasses  for  the  present. 

I  was  here,  accordingly,  thrown  out  at  the  sign  of 
the  "  Crow "  (by  which  tavern  the  coach  happened 
to  be  passing)  without  meeting  with  any  farther  acci- 
dent than  the  breaking  of  both  my  arms,  under  the 
left  hind  wheel  of  the  vehicle.  I  must,  besides,  do 
the  driver  the  justice  to  state  that  he  did  not  forget  to 
throw  after  me  the  largest  of  my  trunks,  which, 
unfortunately  falling  on  my  head,  fractured  my  skull 
in  a  manner  at  once  interesting  and  extraordinary. 

The  landlord  of  the  "  Crov/,"  who  is  a  hospitable 
man,  finding  that  my  trunk  contained  sufficient  to 
indemnify  him  for  any  little  trouble  he  might  take  in 
my  behalf,  sent  forthwith  for  a  surgeon  of  his  acquain- 
tance, and  delivered  me  to  his  care  with  a  bill  and 
receipt  for  ten  dollars. 

The  purchaser  took  me  to  his  apartments  and 
commenced  operations  immediately.  Having  cut  off 
my  ears,  however,  he  discovered  signs  of  animation. 
He  now  rang  the  bell,  and  sent  for  a  neighboring 
apothecary  with  whom  to  consult  in  the  emergency. 
VOL.  IV.  —  6  8i 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

In  case  of  his  suspicions  with  regard  to  my  existence 
proving  ultimately  correct,  he,  in  the  mean  time,  made 
an  incision  in  my  stomach,  and  removed  several  of 
my  viscera  for  private  dissection. 

The  apothecary  had  an  idea  that  I  was  actually 
dead.  This  idea  I  endeavored  to  confute,  kicking 
and  plunging  with  all  my  might,  and  making  the 
most  furious  contortions  —  for  the  operations  of  the 
surgeon  had,  in  a  measure,  restored  me  to  the  posses- 
sion of  my  faculties.  All,  however,  was  attributed  to 
the  effects  of  a  new  galvanic  battery,  wherewith  the 
apothecary,  who  is  really  a  man  of  information,  per- 
formed several  curious  experiments,  in  which,  from 
my  personal  share  in  their  fulfilment,  I  could  not  help 
feeling  deeply  interested.  It  was  a  source  of  morti- 
fication to  me,  nevertheless,  that,  although  I  made 
several  attempts  at  conversation,  my  powers  of  speech 
were  so  entirely  in  abeyance  that  I  could  not  even 
open  my  mouth ;  much  less  then  make  reply  to  some 
ingenious  but  fanciful  theories  of  which,  under  other 
circumstances,  my  minute  acquaintance  with  the  Hip- 
pocratian  pathology  would  have  afforded  me  a  ready 
confutation. 

Not  being  able  to  arrive  at  a  conclusion,  the  prac- 
titioners remanded  me  for  farther  examination.  I 
was  taken  up  into  a  garret ;  and,  the  surgeon's  lady 
having  accommodated  me  with  drawers  and  stockings, 
the  surgeon  himself  fastened  my  hands,  and  tied  up 
my  jaws  with  a  pocket  handkerchief  —  then  bolted 
the  door  on  the  outside  as  he  hurried  to  his  dinner, 
leaving  me  alone  to  silence  and  to  meditation. 

I  now  discovered  to  my  extreme  delight  that  I  could 
have  spoken  had  not  my  mouth  been  tied  up  by  the 
pocket  handkerchief.  Consoling  myself  with  this 
82 


LOSS    OF    BREATH 

reflection,  I  was  mentally  repeating  some  passages 
of  the  "  Omnipresence  of  the  Deity,"  as  is  my  custom 
before  resigning  myself  to  sleep,  when  two  cats,  of  a 
greedy  and  vituperative  turn,  entering  at  a  hole  in  the 
wall,  leaped  up  with  a  flourish,  a  la  Catalani,  and, 
alighting  opposite  one  another  on  my  visage,  betook 
themselves  to  indecorous  contention  for  the  paltry 
consideration  of  my  nose. 

But,  as  the  loss  of  his  ears  proved  the  means  of 
elevating,  to  the  throne  of  Cyrus,  the  Magian,  or  Mige- 
Gush,  of  Persia,  and  as  the  cutting  off  his  nose  gave 
Zopyrus  possession  of  Babylon,  so  the  loss  of  a  few 
ounces  of  my  countenance  proved  the  salvation  of  my 
body.  Aroused  by  the  pain,  and  burning  with  indig- 
nation, I  burst  at  a  single  effort  the  fastenings  and  the 
bandage.  Stalking  across  the  room,  I  cast  a  glance  of 
contempt  at  the  belligerents,  and,  throwing  open  the 
sash,  to  their  extreme  horror  and  disappointment,  pre- 
cipitated myself  very  dexterously  from  the  window. 

The  mail-robber,  W ,  to  whom  I  bore  a  singular 

resemblance,  was  at  this  moment  passing  from  the 
city  jail  to  the  scaffold  erected  for  his  execution  in  the 
suburbs.  His  extreme  infirmity,  and  long-continued 
ill  health,  had  obtained  him  the  privilege  of  remaining 
unmanacled ;  and,  habited  in  his  gallows  costume  — 
one  very  similar  to  my  own  —  he  lay  at  full  length  in 
the  bottom  of  the  hangman's  cart  (which  happened  to 
be  under  the  windows  of  the  surgeon  at  the  moment 
of  my  precipitation)  without  any  other  guard  than  the 
driver,  who  was  asleep,  and  two  recruits  of  the  sixth 
infantry,  who  were  drunk. 

As  ill-luck  would  have  it,  I  alit  upon  my  feet  within 
the  vehicle.  W ,  who  was  an  acute  fellow,  per- 
ceived his  opportunity.  Leaping  up  immediately,  he 
83 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

bolted  out  behind,  and,  turning  down  an  alley,  was 
out  of  sight  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye.  The  recruits, 
aroused  by  the  bustle,  could  not  exactly  comprehend 
the  merits  of  the  transaction.  Seeing,  however,  a 
man,  the  precise  counterpart  of  the  felon,  standing 
upright  in   the  cart  before  their   eyes,  they  were  of 

opinion  that  the  rascal  (meaning  W )  was  after 

making  his  escape  (so  they  expressed  themselves), 
and,  having  communicated  this  opinion  to  one  another, 
they  took  each  a  dram,  and  then  knocked  me  down 
with  the  but-ends  of  their  muskets. 

It  was  not  long  ere  we  arrived  at  the  place  of  des- 
tination. Of  course,  nothing  could  be  said  in  my 
defence.  Hanging  was  my  inevitable  fate.  I  re- 
signed myself  thereto  with  a  feeling  half  stupid,  half 
acrimonious.  Being  little  of  a  cynic,  I  had  all  the 
sentiments  of  a  dog.  The  hangman,  however,  ad- 
justed the  noose  about  my  neck.     The  drop  fell. 

I  forbear  to  depict  my  sensations  upon  the  gallov;s  ; 
although  here,  undoubtedly,  I  could  speak  to  the 
point,  and  it  is  a  topic  upon  which  nothing  has  been 
w^ell  said.  In  fact,  to  write  upon  such  a  theme,  it  is 
necessary  to  have  been  hanged.  Every  author  should 
confine  himself  to  matters  of  experience.  Thus  Mark 
Antony  composed  a  treatise  upon  getting  drunk. 

I  may  just  mention,  however,  that  die  I  did  not. 
My  body  was,  but  I  had  no  breath  to  be,  suspended ; 
and,  but  for  the  knot  under  my  left  ear  (which  had  the 
feel  of  a  miHtary  stock),  I  dare  say  that  I  should  have 
experienced  very  little  inconvenience.  As  for  the  jerk 
given  to  my  neck  upon  the  falling  of  the  drop,  it 
merely  proved  a  corrective  to  the  twist  afforded  me  by 
the  fat  gentleman  in  the  coach. 

For  good  reasons,  however,  I  did  my  best  to  give 
84 


LOSS   OF   BREATH 

the  crowd  the  worth  of  their  trouble.  My  convulsions 
were  said  to  be  extraordinary.  My  spasms  it  would 
have  been  difficult  to  beat  The  populace  encored. 
Several  gentlemen  swooned ;  and  a  multitude  of  ladies 
were  carried  home  in  hysterics.  Pinxit  availed  him- 
self of  the  opportunity  to  retouch,  from  a  sketch  taken 
upon  the  spot,  his  admirable  painting  of  the  "  Marsyas 
Flayed  Alive." 

When  I  had  afforded  sufficient  amusement,  it  was 
thought  proper  to  remove  my  body  from  the  gallows ; 
this  the  more  especially  as  the  real  culprit  had  in  the 
mean  time  been  retaken  and  recognized ;  a  fact  which 
I  was  so  unlucky  as  not  to  know. 

Much  sympathy  was,  of  course,  exercised  in  my 
behalf,  and,  as  no  one  made  claim  to  my  corpse,  it 
was  ordered  that  I  should  be  interred  in  a  public  vault. 

Here,  after  due  interval,  I  was  deposited.  The 
sexton  departed,  and  I  was  left  alone.  A  line  of 
Marston's   "  Malcontent  "  — 

"  Death  's  a  good  fellow,  and  keeps  open  house  "  — 

struck  me  at  that  moment  as  a  palpable  lie. 

I  knocked  off,  however,  the  lid  of  my  coffin,  and 
stepped  out.  The  place  was  dreadfully  dreary  and 
damp,  and  I  became  troubled  with  ennui.  By  way 
of  amusement,  I  felt  my  way  among  the  numerous 
coffins  ranged  in  order  around.  I  lifted  them  down, 
one  by  one,  and,  breaking  open  their  lids,  busied  my- 
self in  speculations  about  the  mortality  within. 

"This,"  I  sohloquized,  tumbling  over  a  carcass, 
puffy,  bloated,  and  rotund  —  "  this  has  been,  no  doubt, 
in  every  sense  of  the  word,  an  unhappy  —  an  unfor- 
tunate man.  It  has  been  his  terrible  lot  not  to  walk, 
but  to  waddle  —  to  pass  through  life  not  Hke  a  human 
85 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

being,  but  like  an  elephant  —  not  like  a  man,  but  like 
a  rhinoceros. 

"  His  attempts  at  getting  on  have  been  mere  abor- 
tions, and  his  circumgyratory  proceedings  a  palpable 
failure.  Taking  a  step  forward,  it  has  been  his  mis- 
fortune to  take  two  towards  the  right,  and  three 
towards  the  left.  His  studies  have  been  confined  to 
the  poetry  of  Crabbe.  He  can  have  had  no  idea  of 
the  wonder  of  2^  pirouette.  To  him  2ipas  de  papillon 
has  been  an  abstract  conception.  He  has  never 
ascended  the  summit  of  a  hill.  He  has  never  viewed 
from  any  steeple  the  glories  of  a  metropolis.  Heat 
has  been  his  mortal  enemy.  In  the  dog-days,  his  days 
have  been  the  days  of  a  dog.  Therein,  he  has 
dreamed  of  flames  and  suffocation,  of  mountains  upon 
mountains,  of  Pelion  upon  Ossa.  He  was  short  of 
breath ;  to  say  all  in  a  word,  he  was  short  of  breath. 
He  thought  it  extravagant  to  play  upon  wind  instru- 
ments. He  was  the  inventor  of  self-moving  fans, 
wind-sails,  and  ventilators.  He  patronized  Du  Pont, 
the  bellows-maker,  and  died  miserably  in  attempt- 
ing to  smoke  a  cigar.  His  was  a  case  in  which 
I  feel  deep  interest  —  a  lot  in  which  I  sincerely 
sympathize. 

"  But  here,"  —  said  I  —  "  here  "  —  and  I  dragged 
spitefully  from  its  receptacle  a  gaunt,  tall,  and  pecuhar- 
looking  form,  whose  remarkable  appearance  struck 
me  with  a  sense  of  unwelcome  familiarity  —  "  here  is 
a  wretch  entitled  to  no  earthly  commiseration."  Thus 
saying,  in  order  to  obtain  a  more  distinct  view  of  my 
subject,  I  applied  my  thumb  and  forefinger  to  its 
nose,  and,  causing  it  to  assume  a  sitting  position  upon 
the  ground,  held  it  thus,  at  the  length  of  my  arm, 
while  I  continued  my  soliloquy. 
86 


LOSS   OF   BREATH 

—  "  Entitled,"  I  repeated,  "  to  no  earthly  commisera- 
tion. Who  indeed  would  think  of  compassionating  a 
shadow  ?  Besides,  has  he  not  had  his  full  share  of 
the  blessings  of  mortality?  He  was  the  originator 
of  tall  monuments  —  shot-towers  —  lightning-rods  — 
Lombardy  poplars.  His  treatise  upon  *  Shades  and 
Shadows '  has  immortahzed  him.  He  edited  with 
distinguished  ability  the  last  edition  of  '  South  on 
the  Bones.'  He  went  early  to  college,  and  studied 
pneumatics.  He  then  came  home,  talked  eternally, 
and  played  upon  the  French-horn.  He  patronized 
the  bagpipes.  Captain  Barclay,  who  walked  against 
Time,  would  not  walk  against  him.  Windham  and  All- 
breath  were  his  favorite  writers,  —  his  favorite  artist, 
Phiz.  He  died  gloriously  while  inhaling  gas  —  levique 
flatu  con'umpitur^  like  \X\^fania  pudiciticem  Hierony- 
mus.i     He  was  indubitably  a  —  " 

"  How  can  you  ?  —  how  —  can  —  you  ?  "  —  inter- 
rupted the  object  of  my  animadversions,  gasping  for 
breath,  and  tearing  off,  with  a  desperate  exertion,  the 
bandage  around  its  jaws  —  "  how  can  you,  Mr.  Lacko- 
breath,  be  so  infernally  cruel  as  to  pinch  me  in  that 
manner  by  the  nose  ?  Did  you  not  see  how  they  had 
fastened  up  my  mouth  ?  and  you  must  know,  if  you 
know  anything,  how  vast  a  superfluity  of  breath  I  have 
to  dispose  of!  If  you  do  not  know,  however,  sit  down 
and  you  shall  see.  In  my  situation  it  is  really  a  great 
relief  to  be  able  to  open  one's  mouth  —  to  be  able  to 
expatiate  —  to  be  able  to  communicate  with  a  person 
like  yourself,  who  do  not  think  yourself  called  upon  at 
every-  period  to  interrupt  the  thread  of  a  gentleman's 

1  "  Tenerares  in  feminis  fama piidiciticB  est;  et qtiasi flos pul- 
cherrimus,  cito  ad  levem  7iiarcessit  auram,  levique  flatu  corrumpi- 
tiir^  maxiine,  etc.''''  —  S.  Hieron.  Epist.  'L'yi'X.XV .,  ad  Salvinam. 

S7 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

discourse.  Interruptions  are  annoying  and  should 
undoubtedly  be  abolished  —  don't  you  think  so  ?  —  no 
reply,  I  beg  you,  —  one  person  is  enough  to  be  speak- 
ing at  a  time.  I  shall  be  done  by-and-by,  and  then 
you  may  begin.  How  the  devil,  sir,  did  you  get  into 
this  place  ?  —  not  a  word  I  beseech  you  —  been  here 
some  time  myself  —  terrible  accident !  —  heard  of  it, 
I  suppose  —  awful  calamity  !  —  walking  under  your 
windows  —  some  short  while  ago  —  about  the  time 
you  were  stage-struck  —  horrible  occurrence  !  —  heard 
of  '  catching  one's  breath,'  eh  ?  —  hold  your  tongue  I 
tell  you  !  —  I  caught  somebody  else's  !  —  had  always 
too  much  of  my  own  —  met  Blab  at  the  corner  of  the 
street  —  wouldn't  give  me  a  chance  for  a  word  — 
could  n't  get  in  a  syllable  edgeways  —  attacked,  conse- 
quently, with  epilepsis  —  Blab  made  his  escape  — 
damn  all  fools  !  —  they  took  me  up  for  dead,  and  put 
me  in  this  place  — pretty  doings  all  of  them  !  —  heard 
all  you  said  about  me  —  every  word  a  lie  —  horrible  ! 
—  wonderful !  —  outrageous  !  —  hideous  !  —  incompre- 
hensible !  —  et  cetera  —  et  cetera  —  et  cetera  —  et 
cetera  —  " 

It  is  impossible  to  conceive  my  astonishment  at  so 
unexpected  a  discourse  ;  or  the  joy  with  which  I  be- 
came gradually  convinced  that  the  breath  so  fortu- 
nately caught  by  the  gentleman  (whom  I  soon 
recognized  as  my  neighbor,  Windenough)  was,  in 
fact,  the  identical  expiration  mislaid  by  myself  in  the 
conversation  with  my  wife.  Time,  place,  and  circum- 
stance rendered  it  a  matter  beyond  question.  I  did 
not,  however,  immediately  release  my  hold  upon  Mr. 
W 's  proboscis ;  not  at  least  during  the  long  pe- 
riod in  which  the  inventor  of  Lombardy  poplars  con- 
tinued to  favor  me  with  his  explanations. 


LOSS   OF   BREATH 

In  this  respect  I  was  actuated  by  that  habitual  pru- 
dence which  has  ever  been  my  predominating  trait.  I 
reflected  that  many  difficulties  might  still  lie  in  the  path 
of  my  preservation,  which  only  extreme  exertion  on 
my  part  would  be  able  to  surmount.  Many  persons,  I 
considered,  are  prone  to  estimate  commodities  in  their 
possession  —  however  valueless  to  the  then  proprietor 
■ —  however  troublesome,  or  distressing  —  in  direct 
ratio  with  the  advantages  to  be  derived  by  others  from 
their  attainment,  or  by  themselves  from  their  abandon- 
ment. Might  not  this  be  the  case  with  Mr.  Winde- 
nough  ?  In  displaying  anxiety  for  the  breath  of  which 
he  was  at  present  so  wilHng  to  get  rid,  might  I  not  lay 
myself  open  to  the  exactions  of  his  avarice  ?  There 
are  scoundrels  in  this  world,  I  remembered  with  a 
sigh,  who  will  not  scruple  to  take  unfair  opportunities 
with  even  a  next-door  neighbor,  and  (this  remark  is 
from  Epictetus)  it  is  precisely  at  that  time  when  men 
are  most  anxious  to  throw  off  the  burden  of  their  own 
calamities  that  they  feel  the  least  desirous  of  relieving 
them  in  others. 

Upon  considerations  similar  to  these,  and  still  re- 
taining my  grasp   upon  the  nose   of   Mr.  W ,  I 

accordingly  thought  proper  to  model  my  reply. 

"  Monster  ! "  I  began  in  a  tone  of  the  deepest  indig- 
nation, "  monster ;  and  double-winded  idiot !  —  dost 
t/zou,  whom,  for  thine  iniquities,  it  has  pleased  heaven 
to  accurse  with  a  twofold  respiration  —  dost  //lou,  I 
say,  presume  to  address  me  in  the  familiar  language 
of  an  old  acquaintance? — 'I  lie,'  forsooth!  and 
'  hold  mj'  tongue,'  to  be  sure !  —  pretty  conversation 
indeed,  to  a  gentleman  with  a  single  breath  !  —  all 
this,  too,  when  I  have  it  in  my  power  to  relieve  the 
89 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

calamity  under  which  thou  dost  so  justly  suffer,  to  cur- 
tail the  superfluities  of  thine  unhappy  respiration." 

Like  Brutus,  I  paused  for  a  reply  —  with  which, 
like  a  tornado,  Mr.  Windenough  immediately  over- 
whelmed me.  Protestation  followed  upon  protesta- 
tion, and  apology  upon  apology.  There  were  no 
terms  with  which  he  was  unwilling  to  comply,  and 
there  were  none  of  which  I  failed  to  take  the  fullest 
advantage. 

Preliminaries  being  at  length  arranged,  my  acquaint- 
ance delivered  me  the  respiration;  for  which  (hav- 
ing carefully  examined  it)  I  gave  him  afterwards  a 
receipt. 

I  am  aware  that  by  many  I  shall  be  held  to  blame 
for  speaking,  in  a  manner  so  cursory,  of  a  transaction 
so  impalpable.  It  will  be  thought  that  I  should  have 
entered  more  minutely  into  the  details  of  an  occur- 
rence by  which  —  and  this  is  very  true  —  much  new 
light  might  be  thrown  upon  a  highly  interesting  branch 
of  physical  philosophy. 

To  all  this  I  am  sorry  that  I  cannot  reply.  A  hint 
is  the  only  answer  which  I  am  permitted  to  make. 
There  were  ciracmstances  —  but  I  think  it  much  safer 
upon  consideration  to  say  as  Httle  as  possible  about  an 
affair  so  delicate  —  so  delicate,  I  repeat,  and  at  the 
time  involving  the  interests  of  a  third  party  whose  sul- 
phurous resentment  I  have  not  the  least  desire,  at  this 
moment,  of  incurring. 

We  were  not  long  after  this  necessary  arrangement 
in  effecting  an  escape  from  the  dungeons  of  the  sepul- 
chre. The  united  strength  of  our  resuscitated  voices 
was  soon  sufificiently  apparent.  Scissors,  the  Whig 
Editor,  republished  a  treatise  upon  "  the  nature  and 
origin  of  subterranean  noises."  A  reply  —  rejoinder 
90 


LOSS   OF   BREATH 

—  confutation  —  and  justification  —  followed  in  the 
columns  of  a  Democratic  Gazette.  It  was  not  until  the 
opening  of  the  vault,  to  decide  the  controversy,  that 
the  appearance  of  Mr.  Windenough  and  myself  proved 
both  parties  to  have  been  decidedly  in  the  wrong. 

I  cannot  conclude  these  details  of  some  very  singu- 
lar passages  in  a  life  at  all  times  sufficiently  eventful, 
without  again  recalling  to  the  attention  of  the  reader 
the  merits  of  that  indiscriminate  philosophy  which  is 
a  sure  and  ready  shield  against  those  shafts  of  calam- 
ity which  can  neither  be  seen,  felt,  nor  fully  under- 
stood. It  was  in  the  spirit  of  this  wisdom  that,  among 
the  ancient  Hebrews,  it  was  believed  the  gates  of 
Heaven  would  be  inevitably  opened  to  that  sinner, 
or  saint,  who,  with  good  lungs  and  implicit  confidence, 
should  vociferate  the  word  "  Ajnen  .^"  It  was  in  the 
spirit  of  this  wisdom  that,  when  a  great  plague  raged 
at  Athens,  and  every  means  had  been  in  vain  attempted 
for  its  removal,  Epimenides,  as  Laertius  relates  in  his 
second  book  of  that  philosopher,  advised  the  erection 
of  a  shrine  and  temple  "  to  the  proper  God." 


91 


FOUR    BEASTS    IN    ONE 


THE   HOMO-CAMELOPARD 

Chacun  a  ses  vertus. 

Cr^billon  :  Xerxes. 

AnTIOCHUS  EPIPHANES  is  very  generally 
looked  upon  as  the  Gog  of  the  prophet  Ezekiel.  This 
honor  is,  however,  more  properly  attributable  to  Cam- 
byses,  the  son  of  Cyrus.  And,  indeed,  the  character 
of  the  Syrian  monarch  does  by  no  means  stand  in 
need  of  any  adventitious  embellishment.  His  acces- 
sion to  the  throne,  or  rather  his  usurpation  of  the 
sovereignty,  a  hundred  and  seventy-one  years  before 
the  coming  of  Christ;  his  attempt  to  plunder  the 
temple  of  Diana  at  Ephesus ;  his  implacable  hostility 
to  the  Jews ;  his  pollution  of  the  Holy  of  Holies ;  and 
his  miserable  death  at  Tab  a,  after  a  tumultuous  reign 
of  eleven  years,  are  circumstances  of  a  prominent  kind, 
and  therefore  more  generally  noticed  by  the  historians 
of  his  time  than  the  impious,  dastardly,  cruel,  silly,  and 
whimsical  achievements  which  make  up  the  sum  total 
of  his  private  life  and  reputation. 

Let  us  suppose,  gentle  reader,  that  it  is   now  the 

year  of  the  world  three  thousand  eight  hundred  and 

thirty,  and  let  us,  for  a  few  minutes,  imagine  ourselves 

at  that  most  grotesque  habitation  of  man,  the  remark- 

92 


FOUR   BEASTS    IN   ONE 

able  city  of  Antioch.  To  be  sure,  there  were,  in  Syria 
and  other  countries,  sixteen  cities  of  that  appellation, 
besides  the  one  to  which  I  more  particularly  allude. 
But  ours  is  that  which  went  by  the  name  of  Antiochia 
Epidaphne,  from  its  vicinity  to  the  little  village  of 
Daphne,  where  stood  a  temple  to  that  divinity.  It 
was  built  (although  about  this  matter  there  is  some 
dispute)  by  Seleucus  Nicanor,  the  first  king  of  the 
country  after  Alexander  the  Great,  in  memory  of  his 
father  Antiochus,  and  became  immediately  the  resi- 
dence of  the  Syrian  monarchy.  In  the  flourishir^^ 
times  of  the  Roman  Empire  it  was  the  ordinary  station 
of  the  prefect  of  the  eastern  provinces ;  and  many  of 
the  emperors  of  the  queen  city  (among  whom  may  be 
mentioned,  especially,  Verus  and  Valens)  spent  here 
the  greater  part  of  their  time.  But  I  perceive  we 
have  arrived  at  the  city  itself.  Let  us  ascend  this 
battlement,  and  throw  our  eyes  upon  the  town  and 
neighboring  country. 

"  What  broad  and  rapid  river  is  that  which  forces 
its  way,  with  innumerable  falls,  through  the  mountain- 
ous wilderness,  and  finally  through  the  wilderness  of 
buildings  ?  " 

That  is  the  Orontes,  and  it  is  the  only  water  in 
sight,  with  the  exception  of  the  Mediterranean,  which 
stretches  like  a  broad  mirror  about  twelve  miles  off  to 
the  southward.  Every  one  has  seen  the  Mediterra- 
nean ;  but  let  me  tell  you,  there  are  few  who  have  had 
a  peep  at  Antioch.  By  few,  I  mean,  few  who,  like 
you  and  me,  have  had  at  the  same  time  the  advantages 
of  a  modern  education.  Therefore,  cease  to  regard 
that  sea,  and  give  your  whole  attention  to  the  mass  of 
houses  that  lie  beneath  us.  You  will  remember  that 
it  is  now  the  year  of  the  world  three  thousand  eight 
93 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

hundred  and  thirty.  Were  it  later  —  for  example, 
were  it  the  year  of  our  Lord  eighteen  hundred  and 
forty-five  —  we  should  be  deprived  of  this  extraordinary 
spectacle.  In  the  nineteenth  century  Antioch  is  — 
that  is  to  say,  Antioch  will  be  —  in  a  lamentable  state 
of  decay.  It  will  have  been,  by  that  time,  totally  de- 
stroyed, at  three  different  periods,  by  three  successive 
earthquakes.  Indeed,  to  say  the  truth,  what  little  of 
its  former  self  may  then  remain  will  be  found  in  so 
desolate  and  ruinous  a  state  that  the  patriarch  shall 
have  removed  his  residence  to  Damascus.  This  is 
well.  I  see  you  profit  by  my  advice,  and  are  making 
the  most  of  your  time  in  inspecting  the  premises  —  in 

"  satisfying  your  eyes 
With  the  memorials  and  the  things  of  fame 
That  do  renown  this  city." 

I  beg  pardon;  I  had  forgotten  that  Shakespeare  will 
not  flourish  for  seventeen  hundred  and  fifty  years  to 
come.  But  does  not  the  appearance  of  Epidaphne 
justify  me  in  calling  \\. grotesque  ? 

"  It  is  well  fortified  ;  and  in  this  respect  is  as  much 
indebted  to  nature  as  to  art." 

Very  true, 

"  There  are  a  prodigious  number  of  stately  palaces." 

There  are. 

"  And  the  numerous  temples,  sumptuous  and  mag- 
nificent, may  bear  comparison  with  the  most  lauded 
of  antiquity." 

All  this  I  must  acknowledge.  Still  there  is  an 
infinity  of  mud  huts,  and  abominable  hovels.  We 
cannot  help  perceiving  abundance  of  filth  in  every 
kennel,  and,  were  it  not  for  the  overpowering  fumes 
of  idolatrous  incense,  I  have  no  doubt  we  should  find 
94 


FOUR   BEASTS    IN   ONE 

a  most  intolerable  stench.  Did  you  ever  behold 
streets  so  insufferably  narrow,  or  houses  so  miracu- 
lously tall  ?  What  a  gloom  their  shadows  cast  upon 
the  ground  !  It  is  well  the  swinging  lamps  in  those 
endless  colonnades  are  kept  burning  throughout  the 
day ;  we  should  otherwise  have  the  darkness  of  Egypt 
in  the  time  of  her  desolation. 

"  It  is  certainly  a  strange  place !  What  is  the 
meaning  of  yonder  singular  building  ?  See!  it  towers 
above  all  others,  and  lies  to  the  eastward  of  what  I 
take  to  be  the  royal  palace  !  " 

That  is  the  new  Temple  of  the  Sun,  who  is  adored 
in  Syria  under  the  title  of  Elah  Gabalah.  Hereafter, 
a  very  notorious  Roman  Emperor  will  institute  this 
worship  in  Rome,  and  thence  derive  a  cognomen, 
Hehogabalus.  I  dare  say  you  would  like  to  take  a 
peep  at  the  divinity  of  the  temple.  You  need  not 
look  up  at  the  heavens ;  His  Sunship  is  not  there  — 
at  least  not  the  Sunship  adored  by  the  Syrians.  That 
deity  will  be  found  in  the  interior  of  yonder  building. 
He  is  worshipped  under  the  figure  of  a  large  stone 
pillar  terminating  at  the  summit  in  a  cone  or  pyramid, 
whereby  is  denoted  Fire. 

"  Hark!  —  behold  !  —  who  can  those  ridiculous 
beings  be,  half  naked,  with  their  faces  painted,  shout- 
ing and  gesticulating  to  the  rabble  ?  " 

Some  few  are  mountebanks.  Others  more  particu- 
larly belong  to  the  race  of  philosophers.  The  greatest 
portion,  however  —  those  especially  who  belabor  the 
populace  with  clubs  —  are  the  principal  courtiers  of 
the  palace,  executing,  as  in  duty  bound,  some  laud- 
able comicality  of  the  king's. 

"  But  what  have  we  here  ?  Heavens !  the  town  is 
95 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND   CAPRICE 

swarming  with  wild  beasts  !  How  terrible  a  spec- 
tacle !  —  how  dangerous  a  peculiarity  !  " 

Terrible,  if  you  please ;  but  not  in  the  least  degree 
dangerous.  Each  animal,  if  you  will  take  the  pains  to 
observe,  is  following  very  quietly  in  the  wake  of  its 
master.  Some  few,  to  be  sure,  are  led  with  a  rope 
about  the  neck,  but  these  are  chiefly  the  lesser  or 
timid  species.  The  Hon,  the  tiger,  and  the  leopard 
are  entirely  witliout  restraint.  They  have  been 
trained  without  difficulty  to  their  present  profession, 
and  attend  upon  their  respective  owners  in  the  capa- 
city of  valets-de-chambre.  It  is  true,  there  are  occa- 
sions when  Nature  asserts  her  violated  dominion;  but 
then  the  devouring  of  a  man-at-arms,  or  the  throtthng 
of  a  consecrated  bull,  is  a  circumstance  of  too  little 
moment  to  be  more  than  hinted  at  in  Epidaphne. 

"  But  what  extraordinary  tumult  do  I  hear  ?  Surely 
this  is  a  loud  noise  even  for  Antioch  !  It  argues 
some  commotion  of  unusual  interest." 

Yes  —  undoubtedly.  The  king  has  ordered  some 
novel  spectacle,  some  gladiatorial  exhibition  at  the 
Hippodrome,  or  perhaps  the  massacre  of  the  Scythian 
prisoners,  or  the  conflagration  of  his  new  palace,  or 
the  tearing  down  of  a  handsome  temple  —  or,  indeed, 
a  bonfire  of  a  few  Jews.  The  uproar  increases. 
Shouts  of  laughter  ascend  the  skies.  The  air  be- 
comes dissonant  with  wind  instruments,  and  horrible 
with  the  clamor  of  a  million  throats.  Let  us  descend, 
for  the  love  of  fun,  and  see  what  is  going  on  !  This 
way  —  be  careful !  Here  we  are  in  the  principal 
street,  which  is  called  the  street  of  Tim.archus.  The 
sea  of  people  is  coming  this  way,  and  we  shall  find  a 
difficulty  in  stemming  the  tide.  They  are  pouring 
through  the  alley  of  Heraclides,  which  leads  directly 
96 


FOUR  BEASTS   IN    ONE 

from  the  palace  —  therefore  the  king  is  most  probably 
among  the  rioters.  Yes,  I  hear  the  shouts  of  the 
herald  proclaiming  his  approach,  in  the  pompous 
phraseology  of  the  East.  We  shall  have  a  glimpse 
of  his  person  as  he  passes  by  the  temple  of  Ashimah. 
Let  us  ensconce  ourselves  in  the  vestibule  of  the 
sanctuary  ;  he  will  be  here  anon.  In  the  mean  time, 
let  us  survey  this  image.  What  is  it  ?  Oh,  it  is  the 
god,  Ashimah,  in  proper  person.  You  perceive,  how- 
ever, that  he  is  neither  a  lamb,  nor  a  goat,  nor  a  satyr ; 
neither  has  he  much  resemblance  to  the  Pan  of  the 
Arcadians.  Yet  all  these  appearances  have  been 
given  —  I  beg  pardon  —  will  be  given,  by  the  learned 
of  future  ages,  to  the  Ashimah  of  the  Syrians.  Put 
on  your  spectacles,  and  tell  me  what  it  is.  What  is 
it? 

"  Bless  me  !  it  is  an  ape !  " 

True  —  a  baboon;  but  by  no  means  the  less  a 
deity.  His  name  is  a  derivation  of  the  Greek  Simla 
—  what  great  fools  are  antiquarians  !  But  see  !  — 
see !  —  yonder  scampers  a  ragged  little  urchin.  Where 
is.  he  going?  What  is  he  bawling  about?  What 
does  he  say  ?  Oh  !  he  says  the  king  is  coming  in 
triumph  ;  that  he  is  dressed  in  state ;  that  he  has  just 
finished  putting  to  death,  with  his  own  hand,  a  thou- 
sand chained  Israelitish  prisoners  !  For  this  exploit 
the  ragamuffin  is  lauding  him  to  the  skies !  Hark ! 
here  comes  a  troop  of  a  similar  description.  They 
have  made  a  Latin  hymn  upon  the  valor  of  the  king, 
and  are  singing  it  as  they  go  :  — 

"  Mille,  mille,  mille, 
Mille,  mille,  mille, 
Decollavimus,  unus  homo ! 
Mille,  mille,  mille,  mille,  decollavimus  I 
VOL.  IV.  —  7  97 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

Mille,  mille,  mille  1 
Vivat  qui  mille  mille  occidit ! 
Tantum  vini  habet  nemo 
Quantum  fudit  sanguinis  !  "  l 

Which  may  be  thus  paraphrased  :  — 

"A  thousand,  a  thousand,  a  thousand, 
A  thousand,  a  thousand,  a  thousand, 
We,  with  one  warrior,  have  slain  ! 
A  thousand,  a  thousand,  a  thousand,  a  thousand, 
Sing  a  thousand,  over  again ! 

Soho  !  —  let  us  sing 

Long  life  to  our  king, 
Who  knocked  over  a  thousand  so  fine 

Soho  !  —  let  us  roar, 

He  has  given  us  more 

Red  gallons  of  gore 
Than  all  Syria  can  furnish  of  wine !  " 

"  Do  you  hear  that  flourish  of  trumpets  ?  " 

Yes,  —  the  king  is  coming  !  See  !  the  people  are 
aghast  with  admiration,  and  lift  up  their  eyes  to  the 
heavens  in  reverence  !  He  comes  !  —  he  is  coming !  — 
there  he  is! 

"  Who  ?  —  where  ?  —  the  king  ?  —  I  do  not  behold 
him; — cannot  say  that  I  perceive  him." 

Then  you  must  be  blind. 

"Very  possible.  Still  I  see  nothing  but  a  tumultu- 
ous mob  of  idiots  and  madmen,  who  are  busy  in  pros- 
trating themselves  before  a  gigantic  camelopard,  and 
endeavoring  to  obtain  a  kiss  of  the  animal's  hoofs. 
See  !  the   beast  has  very  justly   kicked  one   of   the 

1  Flavius  Vopiscus  says  that  the  hymn  here  introduced  was 
sung  by  the  rabble  upon  the  occasion  of  Aurelian,  in  the  Sarmatic 
war,  having  slain  with  his  own  hand  nine  hundred  and  fifty  of  the 
enemy. 

98 


FOUR  BEASTS   IN   ONE 

rabble  over  —  and  another  —  and  another  —  and  an- 
other. Indeed,  I  cannot  help  admiring  the  animal 
for  the  excellent  use  he  is  making  of  his  feet." 

Rabble,  indeed  !  —  why,  these  are  the  noble  and  free 
citizens  of  Epidaphne  !  Beast,  did  you  say  ?  —  take 
care  that  you  are  not  overheard.  Do  you  not  perceive 
that  the  animal  has  the  visage  of  a  man  ?  Why,  my 
dear  sir,  that  camelopard  is  no  other  than  Antiochus 
Epiphanes  —  Antiochus,  the  Illustrious,  King  of  Syria, 
and  the  most  potent  of  all  the  autocrats  of  the  East ! 
It  is  true  that  he  is  entitled,  at  times,  Antiochus 
Epimanes  —  Antiochus  the  madman  —  but  that  is  be- 
cause all  people  have  not  the  capacity  to  appreciate 
his  merits.  It  is  also  certain  that  he  is  at  present 
ensconced  in  the  hide  of  a  beast,  and  is  doing  his  best 
to  play  the  part  of  a  camelopard  ;  but  this  is  done  for 
the  better  sustaining  his  dignity  as  king.  Besides,  the 
monarch  is  of  gigantic  stature,  and  the  dress  is,  there- 
fore, neither  unbecoming  nor  over  large.  We  may,  how- 
ever, presume  he  would  not  have  adopted  it  but  for 
some  occasion  of  especial  state.  Such,  you  will  allow, 
is  the  massacre  of  a  thousand  Jews.  With  how  supe- 
rior a  dignity  the  monarch  perambulates  on  all  fours  I 
His  tail,  you  perceive,  is  held  aloft  by  his  two  princi- 
pal concubines,  Elline  and  Argelais ;  and  his  whole 
appearance  would  be  infinitely  prepossessing,  were  it 
not  for  the  protuberance  of  his  eyes,  which  will  cer- 
tainly start  out  of  his  head,  and  the  queer  color  of  his 
face,  which  has  become  nondescript  from  the  quantity 
of  wine  he  has  swallowed.  Let  us  follow  him  to  the 
Hippodrome,  whither  he  is  proceeding,  and  listen  to 
the  song  of  triumph  which  he  is  commencing: 

"  Who  is  king  but  Epiphanes  ? 
Say  —  do  you  know  ? 

99 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

Who  is  king  but  Epiphanes  ? 

Bravo  !  —  Bravo  ! 
There  is  none  but  Epiphanes, 

No  —  there  is  none  : 
So  tear  down  the  temples, 

And  put  out  the  sun  !  " 

Well  and  strenuously  sung !  The  populace  are 
hailing  him  "  Prince  of  Poets,"  as  well  as  "  Glory  of 
the  East,"  "  Delight  of  the  Universe,"  and  "  most 
Remarkable  of  Camelopards."  They  have  encored 
his  effusion,  and  —  do  you  hear  ?— he  is  singing  it 
over  again.  When  he  arrives  at  the  Hippodrome,  he 
will  be  crowned  with  the  poetic  wreath,  in  anticipation 
of  his  victory  at  the  approaching  Olympics. 

"  But,  good  Jupiter!  what  is  the  matter  in  the  crowd 
behind  us?" 

Behind  us,  did  you  say  ?  —  oh  !  ah  !  —  I  perceive. 
My  friend,  it  is  well  that  you  spoke  in  time.  Let  us 
get  into  a  place  of  safety  as  soon  as  possible.  Here  ! 
—  let  us  conceal  ourselves  in  the  arch  of  this  aque- 
duct, and  I  will  inform  you  presently  of  the  origin  of 
the  commotion.  It  has  turned  out  as  I  have  been 
anticipating.  The  singular  appearance  of  the  camelo- 
pard  with  the  head  of  a  man  has,  it  seems,  given 
offence  to  the  notions  of  propriety  entertained  in 
general  by  the  wild  animals  domesticated  in  the  city. 
A  mutiny  has  been  the  result;  and,  as  is  usual  upon 
such  occasions,  all  human  efforts  will  be  of  no  avail 
in  quelling  the  mob.  Several  of  the  Syrians  have 
already  been  devoured ;  but  the  general  voice  of  the 
four-footed  patriots  seems  to  be  for  eating  up  the  ca- 
melopard.  "  The  Prince  of  Poets,"  therefore,  is  upon 
his  hinder  legs,  running  for  his  life.  His  courtiers  have 
left  him  in  the  lurch,  and  his  concubines  have  followed 

100 


FOUR   BEASTS   IN   ONE 

SO  excellent  an  example.  "  Delight  of  the  Universe," 
thou  art  in  a  sad  predicament !  "  Glory  of  the  East," 
thou  art  in  danger  of  mastication  !  Therefore  never 
regard  so  piteously  thy  tail ;  it  will  undoubtedly  be 
draggled  in  the  mud,  and  for  this  there  is  no  help. 
Look  not  behind  thee,  then,  at  its  unavoidable  degra- 
dation ;  but  take  courage,  ply  thy  legs  with  vigor,  and 
scud  for  the  Hippodrome  !  Remember  that  thou  art 
Antiochus  Epiphanes.  Antiochus,  the  Illustrious  !  — 
also  "  Prince  of  Poets,"  "  Glory  of  the  East,"  "  De- 
light of  the  Universe,"  and  "most  Remarkable  of 
Camelopards !  "  Heavens  !  what  a  power  of  speed 
thou  art  displaying !  What  a  capacity  for  leg-bail 
thou  art  developing  !  Run,  Prince  !  — Bravo,  Epiph- 
anes ! —  Well  done,  Camelopard  ! — Glorious  Antio- 
chus !  He  runs  !  he  leaps  !  he  flies  !  Like  an  arrow 
from  a  catapult  he  approaches  the  Hippodrome  !  He 
leaps !  he  shrieks !  he  is  there  !  This  is  well ;  for 
hadst  thou,  "  Glory  of  the  East,"  been  half  a  second 
longer  in  reaching  the  gates  of  the  Amphitheatre, 
there  is  not  a  bear's  cub  in  Epidaphne  that  would 
not  have  had  a  nibble  at  thy  carcass.  Let  us  be 
off  —  let  us  take  our  departure !  for  we  shall  find 
our  delicate  modern  ears  unable  to  endure  the  vast 
uproar  which  is  about  to  commence  in  celebration  of 
the  king's  escape  !  Listen  !  it  has  already  commenced. 
See !  the  whole  town  is  topsy-turvy. 

"  Surely  this  is  the  most  populous  city  of  the  East ! 
What  a  wilderness  of  people !  what  a  jumble  of  all 
ranks  and  ages!  what  a  multiplicity  of  sects  and 
nations  !  what  a  variety  of  costumes  !  what  a  Babel  of 
languages  !  what  a  screaming  of  beasts  !  what  a  tink- 
ling of  instruments  !  what  a  parcel  of  philosophers  !  " 

Come,  let  us  be  off ! 

lOI 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

"  Stay  a  moment !  I  see  a  vast  hubbub  in  the  Hip- 
podrome ;  what  is  the  meaning  of  it,  I  beseech  you  ! " 

That  ?  —  oh,  nothing  !  The  noble  and  free  citizens 
of  Epidaphne  being,  as  they  declare,  well  satisfied  of 
the  faith,  valor,  wisdom,  and  divinity  of  their  king, 
and  having  moreover  been  eye-witnesses  of  his  late 
superhuman  agility,  do  think  it  no  more  than  their 
duty  to  invest  his  brows  (in  addition  to  the  poetic 
crown)  with  the  wreath  of  victory  in  the  foot-race ;  a 
wreath  which  it  is  evident  he  rnust  obtain  at  the  cele- 
bration of  the  next  Olympiad,  and  which,  therefore, 
they  now  give  him  in  advance. 


102 


THE   DEVIL   IN   THE    BELFRY 

What  o'clock  is  it? 

Old  Saying. 

JcLVERYBODY  knows,  in  a  general  way,  that  the 
finest  place  in  the  world  is  —  or,  alas,  was  —  the 
Dutch  borough  of  Vondervotteimittiss.  Yet,  as  it 
lies  some  distance  from  any  of  the  main  roads,  being 
in  a  somewhat  out-of-the-way  situation,  there  are,  per- 
haps, very  few  of  my  readers  who  have  ever  paid  it 
a  visit.  For  the  benefit  of  those  who  have  not,  there- 
fore, it  will  be  only  proper  that  I  should  enter  into 
some  account  of  it.  And  this  is,  indeed,  the  more 
necessary,  as,  with  the  hope  of  enlisting  public  sym- 
pathy in  behalf  of  the  inhabitants,  I  design  here  to 
give  a  histor}'  of  the  calamitous  events  which  have 
so  lately  occurred  within  its  limits.  No  one  who 
knows  me  will  doubt  that  the  duty  thus  self-imposed 
will  be  executed  to  the  best  of  my  ability,  with  all 
that  rigid  impartiality,  all  that  cautious  examination 
into  facts,  and  diligent  collation  of  authorities,  which 
should  ever  distinguish  him  who  aspires  to  the  title  of 
historian. 

By  the  united  aid  of  medals,  manuscripts,  and  in- 
scriptions, I  am  enabled  to  say,  positively,  that  the 
borough  of  Vondervotteimittiss  has  existed,  from  its 
origin,  in  precisely  the  same  condition  which  it  at 
present  preserves.  Of  the  date  of  this  origin,  how- 
103 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

ever,  I  grieve  that  I  can  only  speak  with  that  species 
of  indefinite  definiteness  which  mathematicians  are, 
at  times,  forced  to  put  up  with  in  certain  algebraic 
formulae.  The  date,  I  may  thus  say,  in  regard  to 
the  remoteness  of  its  antiquity,  cannot  be  less  than 
any  assignable  quantity  whatsoever. 

Touching  the  derivation  of  the  name  Vondervottei- 
mittiss,  I  confess  myself,  with  sorrow,  equally  at  fault. 
Among  a  multitude  of  opinions  upon  this  delicate 
point — some  acute,  some  learned,  some  sufficiently 
the  reverse  —  I  am  able  to  select  nothing  which  ought 
to  be  considered  satisfactory.  Perhaps  the  idea  of 
Grogswigg,  nearly  coincident  with  that  of  Krouta- 
plenttey,  is  to  be  cautiously  preferred.  It  runs  :  — 
"  Vo7idervotteiniittiss  —  Vender,  lege  Do7ider  —  Vottei- 
mittiss,  quasi  und  Bleitziz  —  Bleitziz  obsol :  pro  Blit- 
zenr  This  derivation,  to  say  the  truth,  is  still 
countenanced  by  some  traces  of  the  electric  fluid 
evident  on  the  summit  of  the  steeple  of  the  House 
of  the  Town  Council.  I  do  not  choose,  however,  to 
commit  myself  on  a  theme  of  such  importance,  and 
must  refer  the  reader  desirous  of  information  to  the 
OraiitinciilcB  de  Rebus  Prtzter-Veteris,  of  Dundergutz. 
See,  also,  Blunderbuzzard  De  Derivationibus,  pp.  27 
to  5010,  Folio,  Gothic  edit..  Red  and  Black  character, 
Catch-word  and  No  Cipher;  wherein  consult,  also, 
marginal  notes  in  the  autograph  of  Stuffundpuff, 
with  the  Sub-Commentaries  of  Gruntundguzzell. 

Notwithstanding  the  obscurity  which  thus  envelops 
the  date  of  the  foundation  of  Vondervotteimittiss,  and 
the  derivation  of  its  name,  there  can  be  no  doubt,  as 
I  said  before,  that  it  has  always  existed  as  we  find 
it  at  this  epoch.  The  oldest  man  in  the  borough  can 
remember  not  the  slightest  difference  in  the  appear- 
104 


THE   DEVIL   IN    THE   BELFRY 

ance  of  any  portion  of  it ;  and,  indeed,  the  very  sug- 
gestion of  such  a  possibility  is  considered  an  insult. 
The  site  of  the  village  is  in  a  perfectly  circular  valley, 
about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  in  circumference,  and  en- 
tirely surrounded  by  gentle  hills,  over  whose  summit 
the  people  have  never  yet  ventured  to  pass.  For  this 
they  assign  the  very  good  reason  that  they  do  not 
believe  there  is  anything  at  all  on  the  other  side. 

Round  the  skirts  of  the  valley  (which  is  quite  level, 
and  paved  throughout  with  flat  tiles)  extends  a  con- 
tinuous row  of  sixty  little  houses.  These,  having 
their  backs  on  the  hills,  must  look,  of  course,  to  the 
centre  of  the  plain,  which  is  just  sixty  yards  from  the 
front  door  of  each  dwelling.  Every  house  has  a 
small  garden  before  it,  with  a  circular  path,  a  sun- 
dial, and  twenty-four  cabbages.  The  buildings  them- 
selves are  so  precisely  alike  that  one  can  in  no 
manner  be  distinguished  from  the  other.  Owing  to 
the  vast  antiquity,  the  style  of  architecture  is  some- 
what odd,  but  it  is  not  for  that  reason  the  less  strik- 
ingly picturesque.  They  are  fashioned  of  hard-burned 
little  bricks,  red,  with  black  ends,  so  that  the  walls 
look  like  a  chess-board  upon  a  great  scale.  The 
gables  are  turned  to  the  front,  and  there  are  cornices, 
as  big  as  all  the  rest  of  the  house,  over  the  eaves  and 
over  the  main  doors.  The  windows  are  narrow  and 
deep,  with  very  tiny  panes  and  a  great  deal  of  sash. 
On  the  roof  is  a  vast  quantity  of  tiles  with  long  curly 
ears.  The  woodwork,  throughout,  is  of  a  dark  hue, 
and  there  is  much  carving  about  it,  with  but  a  trifling 
variety  of  pattern ;  for,  time  out  of  mind,  the  carvers 
of  Vondervotteimittiss  have  never  been  able  to  carve 
more  than  two  objects  —  a  timepiece  and  a  cabbage. 
But  these  they  do  exceedingly  well,   and  intersperse 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND    CAPRICE 

them  with  singular  ingenuity,  wherever  they  find 
room  for  the  chisel. 

The  dwellings  are  as  much  alike  inside  as  out,  and 
the  furniture  is  all  upon  one  plan.  The  floors  are  of 
square  tiles,  the  chairs  and  tables  of  black-looking 
wood  with  thin  crooked  legs  and  puppy  feet.  The 
mantel-pieces  are  wide  and  high,  and  have  not  only 
timepieces  and  cabbages  sculptured  over  the  front, 
but  a  real  timepiece,  which  makes  a  prodigious  tick- 
ing, on  the  top  in  the  middle,  with  a  flower-pot  con- 
taining a  cabbage  standing  on  each  extremity  by  way 
of  outrider.  Between  each  cabbage  and  the  time- 
piece, again,  is  a  little  china  man  having  a  large 
stomach  with  a  great  round  hole  in  it,  through  which 
is  seen  the  dial-plate  of  a  watch. 

The  fireplaces  are  large  and  deep,  with  fierce 
crooked-looking  firedogs.  There  is  constantly  a 
rousing  fire,  and  a  huge  pot  over  it,  full  of  sauer-kraut 
and  pork,  to  which  the  good  woman  of  the  house  is 
always  busy  in  attending.  She  is  a  little  fat  old 
lady,  with  blue  eyes  and  a  red  face,  and  wears  a  huge 
cap  like  a  sugar-loaf,  ornamented  with  purple  and 
yellow  ribbons.  Her  dress  is  of  orange-colored  Hnsey- 
woolsey,  made  very  full  behind  and  very  short  in  the 
waist  —  and  indeed  very  short  in  other  respects,  not 
reaching  below  the  middle  of  her  leg.  This  is  some- 
what thick,  and  so  are  her  ankles,  but  she  has  a  fine 
pair  of  green  stockings  to  cover  them.  Her  shoes,  of 
pink  leather,  are  fastened  each  with  a  bunch  of  yellow 
ribbons  puckered  up  in  the  shape  of  a  cabbage.  In 
her  left  hand  she  has  a  little  heavy  Dutch  watch; 
in  her  right  she  wields  a  ladle  for  the  sauer-kraut 
and  pork.  By  her  side  there  stands  a  fat  tabby  cat, 
1 06 


THE   DEVIL   IN    THE   BELFRY 

with  a  gilt  toy  repeater  tied  to  its  tail,  which  "the 
boys  "  have  there  fastened  by  way  of  a  quiz. 

The  boys  themselves  are,  all  three  of  them,  in  the 
garden  attending  the  pig.  They  are  each  two  feet  in 
height.  They  have  three-cornered  cocked  hats,  purple 
waistcoats  reaching  down  to  their  thighs,  buckskin 
knee-breeches,  red  woollen  stockings,  heavy  shoes  with 
big  silver  buckles,  and  long  surtout  coats  with  large 
buttons  of  mother-of-pearl.  Each,  too,  has  a  pipe  in 
his  mouth,  and  a  little  dumpy  watch  in  his  right  hand. 
He  takes  a  puff  and  a  look,  and  then  a  look  and  a 
puff.  The  pig  —  which  is  corpulent  and  lazy  —  is 
occupied  now  in  picking  up  the  stray  leaves  that  fall 
from  the  cabbages,  and  now  in  giving  a  kick  behind 
at  the  gilt  repeater,  which  the  urchins  have  also  tied 
to  his  tail,  in  order  to  make  him  look  as  handsome  as 
the  cat. 

Right  at  the  front  door,  in  a  high-backed  leather- 
bottomed  arm-chair,  with  crooked  legs  and  puppy 
feet  like  the  tables,  is  seated  the  old  man  of  the  house 
himself.  He  is  an  exceedingly  puffy  little  old  gentle- 
man, with  big  circular  eyes  and  a  huge  double  chin. 
His  dress  resembles  that  of  the  boys  —  and  I  need 
say  nothing  farther  about  it.  All  the  difference  is, 
that  his  pipe  is  somewhat  bigger  than  theirs,  and  he 
can  make  a  greater  smoke.  Like  them,  he  has  a 
watch,  but  he  carries  his  watch  in  his  pocket.  To 
say  the  truth,  he  has  something  of  more  importance 
than  a  watch  to  attend  to  —  and  what  that  is  I  shall 
presently  explain.  He  sits  with  his  right  leg  upon  his 
left  knee,  wears  a  grave  countenance,  and  always 
keeps  one  of  his  eyes,  at  least,  resolutely  bent  upon  a 
certain  remarkable  object  in  the  centre  of  the  plain. 

This  object  is  situated  in  the  steeple  of  the  House 
107 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

of  the  Town  Council.  The  Town  Council  are  all  very 
little,  round,  oily,  intelligent  men,  with  big  saucer  eyes 
and  fat  double  chins,  and  have  their  coats  much 
longer  and  their  shoe-buckles  much  bigger  than  the 
ordinary  inhabitants  of  Vondervotteimittiss.  Since 
my  sojourn  in  the  borough,  they  have  had  several 
special  meetings,  and  have  adopted  these  three  impor- 
tant resolutions  :  — 

"  That  it  is  wrong  to  alter  the  good  old  course  of 
things ;  " 

"  That  there  is  nothing  tolerable  out  of  Vondervot- 
teimittiss ; "  and  — 

"  That  we  will  stick  by  our  clocks  and  our  cabbages." 

Above  the  session-room  of  the  Council  is  the  steeple, 
and  in  the  steeple  is  the  belfry,  where  exists,  and  has 
existed  time  out  of  mind,  the  pride  and  wonder  of  the 
village  —  the  great  clock  of  the  borough  of  Vonder- 
votteimittiss. And  this  is  the  object  to  which  the 
eyes  of  the  old  gentlemen  are  turned  who  sit  in  the 
leather-bottomed  arm-chairs. 

The  great  clock  has  seven  faces,  one  in  each  of  the 
seven  sides  of  the  steeple,  so  that  it  can  be  readily 
seen  from  all  quarters.  Its  faces  are  large  and  white, 
and  its  hands  heavy  and  black.  There  is  a  belfry- 
man  whose  sole  duty  is  to  attend  to  it ;  but  this  duty 
is  the  most  perfect  of  sinecures,  for  the  clock  of 
Vondervotteimittiss  was  never  yet  known  to  have  any- 
thing the  matter  with  it.  Until  lately,  the  bare  sup- 
position of  such  a  thing  was  considered  heretical. 
From  the  remotest  period  of  antiquity  to  which  the 
archives  have  reference,  the  hours  have  been  regularly 
struck  by  the  big  bell.  And,  indeed,  the  case  was 
just  the  same  with  all  the  other  clocks  and  watches  in 
the  borough.  Never  was  such  a  place  for  keeping 
1 08 


THE   DEVIL   IN   THE   BELFRY 

the  true  time.  When  the  large  clapper  thought  proper 
to  say  *'  Twelve  o'clock  ! "  all  its  obedient  followers 
opened  their  throats  simultaneously,  and  responded 
like  a  very  echo.  In  short,  the  good  burghers  were 
fond  of  their  sauer-kraut,  but  then  they  were  proud  of 
their  clocks. 

All  people  who  hold  sinecure  offices  are  held  in 
more  or  less  respect,  and,  as  the  belfry-man  of  Von- 
dervotteimittiss  has  the  most  perfect  of  sinecures,  he 
is  the  most  perfectly  respected  of  any  man  in  the 
world.  He  is  the  chief  dignitary  of  the  borough,  and 
the  very  pigs  look  up  to  him  with  a  sentiment  of 
reverence.  His  coat-tail  is  very  far  longer  —  his  pipe, 
his  shoe-buckles,  his  eyes,  and  his  stomach,  vejy  far 
bigger  —  than  those  of  any  other  old  gentleman  in  the 
village ;  and  as  to  his  chin,  it  is  not  only  double,  but 
triple. 

I  have  thus  painted  the  happy  estate  of  Vonder- 
votteimittiss :  alas,  that  so  fair  a  picture  should  ever 
experience  a  reverse  ! 

There  has  been  long  a  saying,  among  the  wisest 
inhabitants,  that  "  no  good  can  come  from  over  the 
hills ;  "  and  it  really  seemed  that  the  words  had  in 
them  something  of  the  spirit  of  prophecy.  It  wanted 
five  minutes  of  noon,  on  the  day  before  yesterday, 
when  there  appeared  a  very  odd-looking  object  on  the 
summit  of  the  ridge  to  the  eastward.  Such  an  occur- 
rence, of  course,  attracted  universal  attention,  and 
every  little  old  gentleman  who  sat  in  a  leather- 
bottomed  arm-chair  turned  one  of  his  eyes  with  a 
stare  of  dismay  upon  the  phenomenon,  still  keeping 
the  other  upon  the  clock  in  the  steeple. 

By  the  time  that  it  wanted  only  three  minutes  to 
noon,  the  droll  object  in  question  was  perceived  to  be 
109 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

a  very  diminutive  foreign-looking  young  man.  He 
descended  the  hills  at  a  great  rate,  so  that  everybody 
had  soon  a  good  look  at  him.  He  was  really  the 
most  finicky  little  personage  that  had  ever  been  seen 
in  Vondervotteimittiss.  His  countenance  was  of  a 
dark  snuff-color,  and  he  had  a  long  hooked  nose,  pea 
eyes,  a  Avide  mouth,  and  an  excellent  set  of  teeth, 
which  latter  he  seemed  anxious  of  displaying,  as  he 
was  gi-inning  from  ear  to  ear.  What  with  mustachios 
and  whiskers,  there  was  none  of  the  rest  of  his  face  to 
be  seen.  His  head  was  uncovered,  and  his  hair  neatly 
done  up  in  papillotes.  His  dress  was  a  tight-fitting 
swallow-tailed  black  coat  (from  one  of  whose  pockets 
dangled  a  vast  length  of  white  handkerchief),  black 
kerseymere  knee-breeches,  black  stockings,  and  stumpy 
looking  pumps,  with  huge  bunches  of  black  satin 
ribbon  for  bows.  Under  one  arm  he  carried  a  huge 
chapean-de-bras,  and  under  the  other  a  fiddle  nearly 
five  times  as  big  as  himself.  In  his  left  hand  was  a 
gold  snuff-box,  from  which,  as  he  capered  down  the 
hill,  cutting  all  manner  of  fantastical  steps,  he  took 
snuff  incessantly  with  an  air  of  the  greatest  possible 
self-satisfaction.  God  bless  me  !  —  here  was  a  sight 
for  the  honest  burghers  of  Vondervotteimittiss ! 

To  speak  plainly,  the  fellow  had,  in  spite  of  his 
grinning,  an  audacious  and  sinister  kind  of  face ;  and, 
as  he  curvetted  right  into  the  village,  the  odd  stumpy 
appearance  of  his  pumps  excited  no  little  suspicion ; 
and  many  a  burgher  who  beheld  him  that  day  would 
have  given  a  trifle  for  a  peep  beneath  the  white  cam- 
bric handkerchief  which  hung  so  obtrusively  from  the 
pocket  of  his  swallow-tailed  coat.  But  what  mainly 
occasioned  a  righteous  indignation  was  that  the  scoun- 
drelly popinjay,  while  he  cut  a  fandango  here,  and  a 


THE   DEVIL   IN   THE   BELFRY 

whirligig  there,  did  not  seem  to  have  the  remotest 
idea  in  the  world  of  such  a  thing  as  keeping  time  in 
his  steps. 

The  good  people  of  the  borough  had  scarcely  a 
chance,  however,  to  get  their  eyes  thoroughly  open, 
when,  just  as  it  wanted  half  a  minute  of  noon,  the 
rascal  bounced,  as  I  say,  right  into  the  midst  of  them ; 
gave  a  chassez  here,  and  a  balancez  there ;  and  then, 
after  a  pirouette  and  a  pas-de-zephyr,  pigeon-winged 
himself  right  up  into  the  belfry  of  the  House  of  the 
Town  Council,  where  the  wonder-stricken  belfry-man 
sat  smxoking  in  a  state  of  dignity  and  dismay.  But 
the  little  chap  seized  him  at  once  by  the  nose ;  gave 
it  a  swing  and  a  pull ;  clapped  the  big  chapeau-de- 
bras  upon  his  head ;  knocked  it  down  over  his  eyes 
and  mouth ;  and  then,  lifting  up  the  big  fiddle,  beat 
him  with  it  so  long  and  so  soundly  that,  what  with  the 
belfry-man  being  so  fat,  and  the  fiddle  being  so  hol- 
low, you  would  have  sworn  that  there  was  a  regiment 
of  double-bass  drummers  all  beating  the  devil's  tattoo 
up  in  the  belfrj'  of  the  steeple  of  Vondervotteimittiss. 

There  is  no  knowing  to  what  desperate  act  of  ven- 
geance this  unprincipled  attack  might  have  aroused 
the  inhabitants,  but  for  the  important  fact  that  it  now 
wanted  only  half  a  second  of  noon.  The  bell  was 
about  to  strike,  and  it  was  a  matter  of  absolute  and 
preeminent  necessity  that  everybody  should  look 
well  at  his  watch.  It  was  evident,  however,  that  just 
at  this  moment  the  fellow  in  the  steeple  was  doing 
something  that  he  had  no  business  to  do  with  the 
clock.  But  as  it  now  began  to  strike,  nobody  had 
any  time  to  attend  to  his  manoeuvres,  for  they  had  all 
to  count  the  strokes  of  the  bell  as  it  sounded. 

"  One !  "  said  the  clock. 

Ill 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

"  Von  !  "  echoed  every  little  old  gentleman  in  every 
leather-bottomed  arm-chair  in  Vondervotteimittiss. 
"Von  !  "  said  his  watch  also ;  "  von  !  "  said  the  watch 
of  his  vrow,  and  "  von  !  "  said  the  watches  of  the  boys, 
and  the  little  gilt  repeaters  on  the  tails  ot  the  cat 
and  pig. 

"  Two  !  "  continued  the  big  bell ;  and 

"  Doo  !  "  repeated  all  the  repeaters. 

"Three!  Four!  Five!  Six!  Seven!  Eight!  Nine! 
Ten !  "  said  the  bell. 

"Dree!  Vour!  Fibe !  Sax!  Seben!  Aight !  Noin ! 
Den  !  "  answered  the  others. 

"Eleven!  "  said  the  big  one. 

"  Eleben  !  "  assented  the  little  fellows. 

"  Twelve  !  "  said  the  bell. 

"  Dvelf ! "  they  replied,  perfectly  satisfied,  and 
dropping  their  voices. 

"  Und  dvelf  it  iss  !  "  said  all  the  little  old  gentlemen, 
putting  up  their  watches.  But  the  big  bell  had  not 
done  with  them  yet. 

"  Thirteen  I  "  said  he. 

"  Der  Teufel ! "  gasped  the  little  old  gentlemen, 
turning  pale,  dropping  their  pipes,  and  putting  down 
all  their  right  legs  from  over  their  left  knees. 

**  Der  Teufel !  "  groaned  they,  "  Dirteen  !  Dirteen  ! ! 

—  Mein  Gott,  it  is  Dirteen  o'clock  ! !  " 

Why  attempt  to  describe  the  terrible  scene  which 
ensued  ?  All  Vondervotteimittiss  flew  at  once  into  a 
lamentable  state  of  uproar. 

"  Vot  is  cum'd  to  mein  pelly  ?  "  roared  all  the  boys, 

—  "  I  've  been  ongry  for  dis  hour  !  " 

"Vot  is  cum'd  to  mein  kraut?"  screamed  all  the 
vrows.     "It  has  been  done  to  rags  for  dis  hour !  " 
"Vot  is  cum'd  to  mein  pipe?"  swore  all  the  little 

112 


THE   DEVIL   IN    THE   BELFRY 

old  gentlemen.  "  Bonder  and  Blitzen  !  it  has  been 
smoked  out  for  dis  hour  !  "  —  and  they  filled  them  up 
again  in  a  great  rage,  and,  sinking  back  in  their  arm- 
chairs, puffed  away  so  fast  and  so  fiercely  that  the 
whole  valley  was  immediately  filled  with  impenetrable 
smoke. 

Meantime  the  cabbages  all  turned  very  red  in  the 
face,  and  it  seemed  as  if  old  Nick  himself  had  taken 
possession  of  everything  in  the  shape  of  a  timepiece. 
The  clocks  carved  upon  the  furniture  took  to  dancing 
as  if  bewitched,  while  those  upon  the  mantel-pieces 
could  scarcely  contain  themselves  for  fury,  and  kept 
such  a  continual  striking  of  thirteen,  and  such  a  frisk- 
ing and  wriggling  of  their  pendulums  as  was  really 
horrible  to  see.  But,  worse  than  all,  neither  the  cats 
nor  the  pigs  could  put  up  any  longer  with  the  behavior 
of  the  little  repeaters  tied  to  their  tails,  and  resented 
it  by  scampering  all  over  the  place,  scratching  and 
poking,  and  squeaking  and  screeching,  and  cater- 
wauling and  squalling,  and  flying  into  the  faces,  and 
running  under  the  petticoats,  of  the  people,  and  cre- 
ating altogether  the  most  abominable  din  and  con- 
fusion which  it  is  possible  for  a  reasonable  person  to 
conceive.  And,  to  make  matters  still  more  distressing, 
the  rascally  little  scapegrace  in  the  steeple  was  evi- 
dently exerting  himself  to  the  utmost.  Every  now 
and  then  one  might  catch  a  glimpse  of  the  scoundrel 
through  the  smoke.  There  he  sat  in  the  belfry  upon 
the  belfry-man,  who  was  lying  flat  upon  his  back.  In 
his  teeth  the  villain  held  the  bell-rope,  which  he  kept 
jerking  about  with  his  head,  raising  such  a  clatter 
that  my  ears  ring  again  even  to  think  of  it.  On  his 
lap  lay  the  big  fiddle  at  which  he  was  scraping  out  of 
all  time  and  tune,  with  both  hands,  making  a  great 
VOL.  IV.  —  8  113 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND   CAPRICE 

show,  the  nincompoop  !  of  playing  "Judy  O'Flannagan 
and  Paddy  O'Raferty." 

Affairs  being  thus  miserably  situated,  I  left  the 
place  in  disgust,  and  now  appeal  for  aid  to  all  lovers 
of  correct  time  and  fine  kraut.  Let  us  proceed  in  a 
body  to  the  borough,  and  restore  the  ancient  order  of 
things  in  Vondervotteimittiss  by  ejecting  that  little 
fellow  from  the  steeple. 


114 


THREE   SUNDAYS   IN   A   WEEK 

X  OU  hard-hearted,  dunder-headed,  obstinate,  rusty, 
crusty,  musty,  fusty  old  savage  !  "  said  I,  in  fancy, 
one  afternoon,  to  my  grand-uncle,  Rumgudgeon  — 
shaking  my  fist  at  him  in  imagination. 

Only  in  imagination.  The  fact  is,  some  trivial  dis- 
crepancy did  exist,  just  then,  between  what  I  said  and 
what  I  had  not  the  courage  to  say  —  between  vv^hat  I 
did  and  what  I  had  half  a  mind  to  do. 

The  old  porpoise,  as  I  opened  the  drawing-room 
door,  was  sitting  with  his  feet  upon  the  mantel-piece, 
and  a  bumper  of  port  in  his  paw,  making  strenuous 
efforts  to  accomplish  the  ditty,  — 

"  Remplis  ton  verre  vide  / 
Vide  t07i  verre  piein  /  " 

"  My  dear  uncle,"  said  I,  closing  the  door  gently, 
and  approaching  him  with  the  blandest  of  smiles, 
"you  are  always  so  very  kind  and  considerate,  and 
have  evinced  your  benevolence  in  so  many  —  so  very 
many  ways  —  that  —  that  I  feel  I  have  only  to  sug- 
gest this  little  point  to  you  once  more  to  make  sure 
of  your  full  acquiescence." 

"  Hem  !  "   said  he,  "  good  boy  !  go  on  !  " 
"  I  am  sure,  my  dearest  uncle  "  (you  confounded  old 
rascal !)  *'  that  you  have  no  design   really,  seriously, 
115 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND   CAPRICE 

to  oppose  my  union  with  Kate.  This  is  merely  a 
joke  of  yours,  I  know  —  ha  !  ha  !  ha  !  —  how  very 
pleasant  you   are    at   times." 

"  Ha  !  ha!  ha  !  "  said  he,  "  curse  you  !  yes  !  " 

"To  be  sure  —  of  course!  I  knew  you  were  jest- 
ing. Now,  uncle,  all  that  Kate  and  myself  wish  at 
present,  is  that  you  would  oblige  us  with  your  advice 
as  —  as  regards  the  time  —  yoti  know,  uncle  —  in 
short,  when  will  it  be  most  convenient  for  yourself 
that  the  wedding  shall  —  shall  —  come  off,  you 
know  ?  " 

"Come  off,  you  scoundrel! — what  do  you  mean 
by  that  ?  —  Better  wait  till  it  goes  on." 

"Ha!  ha!  ha  !  —  he  !  he!  he  !  —  hi !  hi!  hi ! — 
ho  !  ho  !  ho  !  —  hu  !  hu  !  hu  !  —  oh,  that 's  good  !  — 
oh,  that 's  capital  —  suck  a  wit !  But  all  we  want  just 
now,  you  know,  uncle,  is  that  you  would  indicate  the 
time   precisely." 

"  Ah  !  —  precisely  ?  " 

"  Yes,  uncle  —  that  is,  if  it  would  be  quite  agreeable 
to  yourself." 

"  Would  n't  it  answer,  Bobby,  if  I  were  to  leave 
it  at  random  —  some  time  within  a  year  or  so,  for 
example?  —  must  I   say  precisely?" 

"  If  you  please,  uncle  —  precisely. " 

"  Well,  then,  Bobby,  my  boy  —  you  're  a  fine  fellow, 
are  n't  you  ?  —  since  you  ivill  have  the  exact  time, 
I  '11  —  why,  I  '11  oblige   you  for  once." 

"  Dear  uncle  !  " 

"Hush,  sir!"  (drowning  my  voice) — "I'll  oblige 
you  for  once.  You  shall  have  my  consent  —  and  the 
plum,  we  mustn't  forget  the  plum  —  let  me  see! 
when  shall  it  be  ?  To-day 's  Sunday  —  is  n't  it  ?  Well, 
then,  you  shall  be  married  precisely  — precisely,  now 
ii6 


THREE   SUNDAYS    IN    A   WEEK 

mind !  —  when  three  Stmdays  come  together  in  a 
week  /  Do  you  hear  me,  sir !  What  are  you  gap- 
ing at?  I  say,  you  shall  have  Kate  and  her  plum 
when  three  Sundays  come  together  in  a  week  —  but 
not  ////  then  —  you  young  scapegrace  —  not  //// 
then,  if  I  die  for  it.  You  know  me  —  Pin  a  inan 
of  my  word  —  now  be  off !  "  Here  he  swallowed  his 
bumper  of  port,  while  I  rushed  from  the  room  in 
despair. 

A  very  "fine  old  EngHsh  gentleman"  was  my 
grand-uncle,  Rumgudgeon,  but,  unlike  him  of  the  song, 
he  had  his  weak  points.  He  was  a  little,  pursy,  pom- 
pous, passionate  semi-circular  somebody,  with  a  red 
nose,  a  thick  skull,  a  long  purse,  and  a  strong  sense  of 
his  own  consequence.  With  the  best  heart  in  the 
world,  he  contrived,  through  a  predominant  whim 
of  contradiction,  to  earn  for  himself,  among  those 
who  only  knew  him  superficially,  the  character  of 
a  curmudgeon.  Like  many  excellent  people,  he 
seemed  possessed  with  a  spirit  of  tantalization,  which 
might  easily,  at  a  casual  glance,  have  been  mistaken 
for  malevolence.  To  ever}^  request,  a  positive  "  No!  " 
was  his  immediate  answer ;  but  in  the  end  —  in  the 
long,  long  end  —  there  were  exceedingly  few  requests 
which  he  refused.  Against  all  attacks  upon  his  purse 
he  made  the  most  sturdy  defence ;  but  the  amount 
extorted  from  him  at  last  was,  generally,  in  direct 
ratio  with  the  length  of  the  siege  and  the  stubborn- 
ness of  the  resistance.  In  charity,  no  one  gave  more 
liberahy,  or  with  a  worse  grace. 

For  the  fine  arts,  and  especially  for  the  belles- 
lettres,  he  entertained  a  profound  contempt.  With 
this  he  had  been  inspired  by  Casimir  Perier,  whose 
pert  little  query  "  ^  quoi  un  poete  est-il  bonf'  he 
117 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

was  in  the  habit  of  quoting,  with  a  very  droll  pronun- 
ciation, as  the  ne plus  ultra  of  logical  wit.  Thus  my 
own  inkling  for  the  Muses  had  excited  his  entire 
displeasure.  He  assured  me  one  day,  when  I  asked 
him  for  a  new  copy  of  Horace,  that  the  translation 
of  '•'-  Poeta  nascitur^  non  fif"  was  "  a  nasty  poet  for 
nothing  fit "  —  a  remark  which  I  took  in  high  dud- 
geon. His  repugnance  to  "  the  humanities "  had, 
also,  much  increased  of  late,  by  an  accidental  bias 
in  favor  of  what  he  supposed  to  be  natural  science. 
Somebody  had  accosted  him  in  the  street,  mistaking 
him  for  no  less  a  personage  than  Doctor  Dubble  L. 
Dee,  the  lecturer  upon  quack  physics.  This  set  him 
off  at  a  tangent ;  and  just  at  the  epoch  of  this  story  — 
for  story  it  is  getting  to  be,  after  all  —  my  grand-uncle, 
Rumgudgeon,  was  accessible  and  pacific  only  upon 
points  which  happened  to  chime  in  with  the  caprioles 
of  the  hobby  he  was  riding.  For  the  rest,  he  laughed 
with  his  arms  and  legs,  and  his  politics  were  stubborn 
and  easily  understood.  He  thought,  with  Horsley, 
that  "  the  people  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  laws 
but  to  obey  them." 

I  had  lived  with  the  old  gentleman  all  my  life. 
My  parents,  in  dying,  had  bequeathed  me  to  him  as 
a  rich  legacy.  I  believe  the  old  villain  loved  me  as 
his  own  child  —  nearly  if  not  quite  as  well  as  he 
loved  Kate  —  but  it  was  a  dog's  existence  that  he 
led  me,  after  all.  From  my  first  year  until  my  fifth, 
he  obliged  me  with  very  regular  floggings.  From 
five  to  fifteen,  he  threatened  me,  hourly,  with  the 
House  of  Correction.  From  fifteen  to  twenty,  not 
a  day  passed  in  which  he  did  not  promise  to  cut 
me  off  with  a  shilling.  I  was  a  sad  dog,  it  is  true, 
but  then  it  was  a  part  of  my  nature  —  a  point  of 
ii8 


THREE    SUNDAYS    IN    A   WEEK 

my  faith.  In  Kate,  however,  I  had  a  firm  friend, 
and  I  knew  it.  She  was  a  good  girl,  and  told  me 
very  sweetly  that  I  might  have  her  (plum  and  all) 
whenever  I  could  badger  my  grand-uncle,  Rumgud- 
geon,  into  the  necessary  consent.  Poor  girl !  she  was 
barely  fifteen,  and  without  this  consent  her  little 
amount  in  the  funds  was  not  come-at-able  until  five 
immeasurable  summers  had  "  dragged  their  slow 
length  along."  What,  then,  to  do?  At  fifteen,  or 
even  at  twenty-one  (for  I  had  now  passed  my  fifth 
olympiad),  five  years  in  prospect  are  very  much  the 
same  as  five  hundred.  In  vain  we  besieged  the  old 
gentleman  with  importunities.  Here  was  2i  piece  de  re- 
sistafice  (as  Messieurs  Ude  and  Carene  would  say) 
which  suited  his  perverse  fancy  to  a  T.  It  would 
have  stirred  the  indignation  of  Job  himself  to  see 
how  much  like  an  old  mouser  he  behaved  to  us  two 
poor  wretched  little  mice.  In  his  heart  he  wished 
for  nothing  more  ardently  than  our  union.  He  had 
made  up  his  mind  to  this  all  along.  In  fact,  he 
would  have  given  ten  thousand  pounds  from  his 
own  pocket  (Kate's  plum  was  her  own)  if  he  could 
have  invented  anything  like  an  excuse  for  complying 
with  our  very  natural  wishes.  But  then  we  had  been 
so  imprudent  as  to  broach  the  subject  ourselves.  Not 
to  oppose  it  under  such  circumstances,  I  sincerely 
believe,  was  not  in   his   power. 

I  have  said  already  that  he  had  his  weak  points; 
but,  in  speaking  of  these,  I  must  not  be  understood 
as  referring  to  his  obstinacy :  which  was  one  of  his 
strong  points  —  "  assure'ment  ce  n' etait  pas  so7i  faible.'''' 
When  I  mention  his  weakness  I  have  allusion  to  a 
bizarre  old-womanish  superstition  which  beset  him. 
He  was  great  in  dreams,  portents,  et  id  genus  omiie  of 
119 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

rigmarole.  He  was  excessively  punctilious,  too,  upon 
small  points  of  honor,  and,  after  his  own  fashion, 
was  a  man  of  his  word,  beyond  doubt.  This  was,  in 
fact,  one  of  his  hobbies.  The  spirit  of  his  vows  he 
made  no  scruple  of  setting  at  naught,  but  the  lette7' 
was  a  bond  inviolable.  Now  it  was  this  latter  pecu- 
liarity in  his  disposition  of  which  Kate's  ingenuity 
enabled  us  one  fine  day,  not  long  after  our  interview 
in  the  dining-room,  to  take  a  very  unexpectsd  ad- 
vantage ;  and,  having  thus,  in  the  fashion  of  all 
modern  bards  and  orators,  exhausted  in  prolegomena 
all  the  time  at  my  command,  and  nearly  all  the  room 
at  my  disposal,  I  will  sum  up  in  a  few  words  what 
constitutes  the  whole  pith  of  the  story. 

It  happened  then  —  so  the  Fates  ordered  it  —  that 
am.ong  the  naval  acquaintances  of  my  betrothed  were 
two  gentlemen  who  had  just  set  foot  upon  the  shores 
of  England,  after  a  year's  absence,  each,  in  foreign 
travel.  In  company  with  these  gentlemen,  my  cousin 
and  I,  preconcertedly,  paid  uncle  Rumgudgeon  a  visit 
on  the  afternoon  of  Sunday,  October  the  tenth,  — 
just  three  weeks  after  the  memorable  decision  which 
had  so  cruelly  defeated  our  hopes.  For  about  half 
an  hour  the  conversation  ran  upon  ordinary  topics ; 
but  at  last  we  contrived,  quite  naturally,  to  give  it  the 
following  turn :  — 

Capt.  Pratt.  "  Well,  I  have  been  absent  just  one 
year.  Just  one  year  to-day,  as  I  live  —  let  me  see  ! 
yes!  —  this  is  October  the  tenth.  You  remember, 
Mr.  Rumgudgeon,  I  called,  this  day  year,  to  bid  you 
good-by.  And  by  the  way,  it  does  seem  something 
like  a  coincidence,  does  it  not  —  that  our  friend,  Cap- 
tain Smitherton,  here,  has  been  absent  exactly  a  year 
also,  a  year  to-day  ?  " 

120 


THREE    SUNDAYS    IN   A    WEEK 

Smitherton.  "Yes!  just  one  year  to  a  fraction. 
You  will  remember,  Mr.  Rumgudgeon,  that  I  called 
with  Captain  Pratt  on  this  very  day,  last  year,  to  pay 
my  parting  respects." 

Uncle.  "  Yes,  yes,  yes  —  I  remember  it  very  well  — 
very  queer  indeed  !  Both  of  you  gone  just  one  year. 
A  very  strange  coincidence,  indeed  !  Just  what  Doc- 
tor Bubble  L.  Dee  would  denominate  an  extraordi- 
nary concurrence  of  events.     Doctor  Dub —  " 

Kate  {interrupting).  "To  be  sure,  papa,  it  is 
something  strange ;  but  then  Captain  Pratt  and  Cap- 
tain Smitherton  did  n't  go  altogether  the  same  route, 
and  that  makes  a  difference,  you  know." 

Uncle.  "  I  don't  know  any  such  thing,  you  hussy  ! 
How  should  I  ?  I  think  it  only  makes  the  matter 
more  remarkable.     Doctor  Dubble  L.  Dee  —  " 

Kate.  "  Why,  papa.  Captain  Pratt  went  round 
Cape  Horn,  and  Captain  Smitherton  doubled  the 
Cape  of  Good  Hope." 

Uncle.  "Precisely!  —  the  one  went  east  and  the 
other  went  west,  you  jade,  and  they  both  have  gone 
quite  round  the  world.  By  the  bye.  Doctor  Dubble 
L.  Dee—" 

Myself  {hurriedly).  "  Captain  Pratt,  you  must 
come  and  spend  the  evening  with  us  to-morrow  — 
you  and  Smitherton  —  you  can  tell  us  all  about  your 
voyage,  and  we  '11  have  a  game  of  whist,  and  —  " 

Pratt.  "  Whist,  my  dear  fellow  —  you  forget.  To- 
morrow will  be  Sunday.     Some  other  evening  —  " 

Kate.  "  Oh,  no,  fie  !  —  Robert 's  not  quite  so  bad 
as  that.     To-day  'j-  Sunday." 

Uncle.     "  To  be  sure  —  to  be  sure  !  " 

Pratt.     "  I  beg  both  your  pardons  —  but  I  can't  be 

121 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

SO   much   mistaken.      I   know   to-morrow's    Sunday, 
because  —  " 

Smitherton  {much  surprised).  What  are  you  all 
thinking  about?  Was  n't  yesterday  Sunday,  I  should 
like  to  know  ?  " 

All.     "  Yesterday,  indeed  !  you  are  out !  " 
Uncle.     "  To-day  's  Sunday,  I  say  —  don't  /  know  ?  " 
Pratt.     "  Oh  no  !  —  to-morrow  's  Sunday." 
Smitherton.     "  You   are   all    mad  —  every  one   of 
you.      I  am  as  positive  that  yesterday  was  Sunday  as 
I  am  that  I  sit  upon  this  chair." 

Kate  {jumping  up  eagerly').  "  I  see  it —  I  see  it 
all.  Papa,  this  is  a  judgment  upon  you,  about  — 
about  you  know  what.  Let  me  alone,  and  I  '11  explain 
it  all  in  a  minute.  It 's  a  very  simple  thing,  indeed. 
Captain  Smitherton  says  that  yesterday  was  Sunday: 
so  it  was ;  he  is  right.  Cousin  Bobby,  and  uncle  and 
I,  say  that  to-day  is  Sunday:  so  it  is;  we  are  right. 
Captain  Pratt  maintains  that  to-morrow  will  be  Sun- 
day :  so  it  will ;  he  is  right,  too.  The  fact  is,  we  are 
all  right,  and  thus  three  Sundays  have  come  together 
in  a  week.'''' 

Smitherton  {after  a  pause).  "  By  the  bye,  Pratt, 
Kate  has  us  completely.  What  fools  we  two  are ! 
Mr.  Rumgudgeon,  the  matter  stands  thus :  the  earth 
you  know  is  twenty-four  thousand  miles  in  circum- 
ference. Now  this  globe  of  the  earth  turns  upon 
its  own  axis  —  revolves  —  spins  round—  these  twenty- 
four  thousand  miles  of  extent,  going  from  west  to  east, 
in  precisely  twenty-four  hours.  Do  you  understand, 
Mr.  Rumgudgeon  ?  " 

Uncle.    *'  To  be  sure  —  to  be  sure  —  Doctor  Dub  —  " 

S7nitherton  {drowning  his  voice).     "  Well,  sir  ;  that 

is  at  the  rate  of  one  thousand  miles  per  hour.     Now, 

122 


THREE   SUNDAYS    IN   A   WEEK 

suppose  that  I  sail  from  this  position  a  thousand  miles 
east.  Of  course,  I  anticipate  the  rising  of  the  sun 
here  at  London,  by  just  one  hour.  I  see  the  sun  rise 
one  hour  before  you  do.  Proceeding,  in  the  same 
direction,  yet  another  thousand  miles,  I  anticipate  the 
rising  by  two  hours  —  another  thousand,  and  I  antici- 
pate it  by  three  hours,  and  so  on,  until  I  go  entirely 
round  the  globe,  and  back  to  this  spot,  when,  having 
gone  twenty-four  thousand  miles  east,  I  anticipate  the 
rising  of  the  London  sun  by  no  less  than  twenty-four 
hours ;  that  is  to  say,  I  am  a  day  in  advance  of  your 
time.     Understand,  eh  ?  " 

Uncle.     "  But  Bubble  L.  Dee  —  " 

Smithertoji  {speaking  very  loud).  "  Captain  Pratt, 
on  the  contrary,  when  he  had  sailed  a  thousand  miles 
west  of  this  position,  was  an  hour,  and  when  he  had 
sailed  twenty-four  thousand  miles  west,  was  twenty- 
four  hours,  or  one  day,  behind  the  time  at  London. 
Thus,  with  me,  yesterday  was  Sunday — thus,  with 
you,  to-day  is  Sunday  —  and  thus,  with  Pratt,  to-mor- 
row will  be  Sunday.  And  what  is  more,  Mr.  Rum- 
gudgeon,  it  is  positively  clear  that  we  are  all  right; 
for  there  can  be  no  philosophical  reason  assigned  why 
the  idea  of  one  of  us  should  have  preference  over  that 
of  the  other." 

Uncle.  "  My  eyes  !  —  well,  Kate  —  well,  Bobby !  — 
this  is  a  judgment  upon  me,  as  you  say.  But  I  am  a 
man  of  my  word  —  mark  that  I  you  shall  have  her, 
boy  (plum  and  all),  when  you  please.  Done  up,  by 
Jove !  Three  Sundays,  all  in  a  row  !  I  '11  go,  and 
take  Dubble  L.  Dee's  opinion  upon  that'^ 


123 


NEVER   BET    THE   DEVIL    YOUR   HEAD 

A   TALE   WITH    A   MORAL 

C,  ON  tal  que  las  costumbres  de  un  atitor,''''  says 
Don  Tomas  De  Las  Torres,  in  the  preface  to  his 
"  Amatory  Poems,"  "  sean  pttras  y  castas^  Importa 
muy  poco  que  no  sean  igualmente  severas  siis  obras  " 
—  meaning,  in  plain  English,  that,  provided  the  morals 
of  an  author  are  pure,  personally,  it  signifies  nothing 
what  are  the  morals  of  his  books.  We  presume  that 
Don  Tomas  is  now  in  Purgatory  for  the  assertion.  It 
would  be  a  clever  thing,  too,  in  the  way  of  poetical 
justice,  to  keep  him  there  until  his  "  Amatory  Poems  " 
get  out  of  print,  or  are  laid  definitely  upon  the  shelf 
through  lack  of  readers.  Every  fiction  should  have 
a  moral ;  and,  what  is  more  to  the  purpose,  the  critics 
have  discovered  that  every  fiction  has.  Philip  Me- 
lancthon,  some  time  ago,  vrrote  a  commentary  upon 
the  "  Batrachomyomachia  "  and  proved  that  the  poet's 
object  was  to  excite  a  distaste  for  sedition.  Pierre 
La  Seine,  going  a  step  farther,  shows  that  the  intention 
was  to  recommend  to  young  men  temperance  in  eating 
and  drinking.  Just  so,  too,  Jacobus  Hugo  has  satis- 
fied himself  that,  by  Evenus,  Homer  meant  to 
insinuate  John  Calvin;  by  Antinous,  Martin  Luther; 
by  the  Lotophagi,  Protestants  in  general ;  and,  by  the 
Harpies,  the  Dutch.  Our  more  modern  Scholiasts  are 
equally  acute.  These  fallows  demonstrate  a  hidden 
meaning  in  "  The  Antediluvians,"  a  parable  in  "  Pow- 
124 


NEVER  BET  THE  DEVIL  YOUR  HEAD 

hatan,"  new  views  in  "  Cock  Robin,"  and  transcen- 
dentalism in  "  Hop  O'  My  Thumb."  In  short,  it  has 
been  shown  that  no  man  can  sit  down  to  write 
without  a  very  profound  design.  Thus  to  authors 
in  general  much  trouble  is  spared.  A  novelist,  for 
example,  need  have  no  care  of  his  moral.     It  is  there 

—  that  is  to  say,  it  is  somewhere  —  and  the  moral  and 
the  critics  can  take  care  of  themselves.  When  the 
proper  time  arrives,  all  that  the  gentleman  intended, 
and  all  that  he  did  not  intend,  will  be  brought  to  light, 
in  the  "  Dial,"  or  the  "  Down-Easter,"  together  with 
all  that  he  ought  to  have  intended,  and  the  rest  that 
he  clearly  meant  to  intend ;  —  so  that  it  will  all  come 
very  straight  in  the  end. 

There  is  no  just  ground,  therefore,  for  the  charge 
brought  against  me  by  certain  ignoramuses  —  that  I 
have  never  written  a  moral  tale,  or,  in  more  precise 
words,  a  tale  with  a  moral.  They  are  not  the  critics 
predestined  to  bring  me  out,  and  develop  my  morals ; 

—  that  is  the  secret.  By  and  by  the  "  North  American 
Quarterly  Humdrum"  will  make  them  ashamed  of 
their  stupidity.  In  the  mean  time,  by  way  of  staying 
execution,  by  way  of  mitigating  the  accusations 
against  me,  I  offer  the  sad  history  appended ;  a  history 
about  whose  obvious  moral  there  can  be  no  question 
whatever,  since  he  who  runs  may  read  it  in  the  large 
capitals  which  form  the  title  of  the  tale.  I  should 
have  credit  for  this  arrangement :  a  far  wiser  one  than 
that  of  La  Fontaine  and  others,  who  reserve  the 
impression  to  be  conveyed  until  the  last  moment,  and 
thus  sneak  it  in  at  the  fag  end  of  their  fables. 

Defuncti  mjuria  7ie  affi.ciant7ir  was  a  law  of  the 
twelve  tables,  and  De  7no7'tuis  7iil  nisi  bomun  is  an 
excellent  injunction  —  even  if  the  dead  in  question  be 
125 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

nothing  but  dead  small  beer.  It  is  not  my  design, 
therefore,  to  vituperate  my  deceased  friend^  Toby 
Dammit.  He  was  a  sad  dog,  it  is  true,  and  a  dog's 
death  it  was  that  he  died ;  but  he  himself  was  not  to 
blame  for  his  vices.  They  grew  out  of  a  personal  defect 
in  his  mother.  She  did  her  best  in  the  way  of  flogging 
him  while  an  infant ;  for  duties  to  her  well-regulated 
mind  were  always  pleasures,  and  babies,  like  tough 
steaks,  or  the  modern  Greek  olive-trees,  are  invariably 
the  better  for  beating  —  but,  poor  woman!  she  had 
the  misfortune  to  be  left-handed,  and  a  child  flogged 
left-handedly  had  better  be  left  unflogged.  The 
world  revolves  from  right  to  left.  It  will  not  do  to 
whip  a  baby  from  left  to  right  If  each  blow  in  the 
proper  direction  drives  an  evil  propensity  out,  it  follows 
that  every  thump  in  an  opposite  one  knocks  its  quota  of 
wickedness  in.  I  was  often  present  at  Toby's  chastise- 
ments, and,  even  by  the  way  in  which  he  kicked,  I  could 
perceive  that  he  was  getting  worse  and  worse  every  day. 
At  last  I  saw,  through  the  tears  in  my  eyes,  that  there 
was  no  hope  of  the  villain  at  all,  and  one  day  when  he 
had  been  cuffed  until  he  grew  so  black  in  the  face 
that  one  might  have  mistaken  him  for  a  little  African, 
and  no  effect  had  been  produced  beyond  that  of 
making  him  wriggle  himself  into  a  fit,  I  could  stand  it 
no  longer,  but  went  down  upon  my  knees  forthwith, 
and,  uplifting  my  voice,  made  prophecy  of  his  ruin. 

The  fact  is  that  his  precocity  in  vice  was  awful. 
At  five  months  of  age,  he  used  to  get  into  such 
passions  that  he  was  unable  to  articulate.  At  six 
months,  I  caught  him  gnawing  a  pack  of  cards. 
At  seven  months,  he  was  in  the  constant  habit  of 
catching  and  kissing  the  female  babies.  At  eight 
months,  he  peremptorily  refused  to  put  his  signature 
126 


NEVER  BET  THE  DEVIL  YOUR  HEAD 

to  the  temperance  pledge.  Thus  he  went  on  increas- 
ing in  iniquity,  month  after  month,  until,  at  the  close 
of  the  first  year,  he  not  only  insisted  upon  wearing 
mustaches,  but  had  contracted  a  propensity  for  curs- 
ing and  swearing,  and  for  backing  his  assertions  by 
bets. 

Through  this  latter  most  ungentlemanly  practice, 
the  ruin  which  I  had  predicted  to  Toby  Dammit 
overtook  him  at  last.  The  fashion  had  "  grown  with 
his  growth  and  strengthened  with  his  strength,"  so 
that,  when  he  came  to  be  a  man,  he  could  scarcely 
utter  a  sentence  without  interlarding  it  with  a  propo- 
sition to  gamble.  Not  that  he  actually  /^/^  wagers  — 
no.  I  will  do  my  friend  the  justice  to  say  that  he 
would  as  soon  have  laid  eggs.  With  him  the  thing 
was  a  mere  formula —  nothing  more.  His  expressions 
on  this  head  had  no  meaning  attached  to  them  what- 
ever. They  were  simple  if  not  altogether  innocent 
expletives  —  imaginative  phrases  wherewith  to  round 
off  a  sentence.  When  he  said,  "  I  '11  bet  you  so  and 
so,"  nobody  ever  thought  of  taking  him  up  ;  but  still 
I  could  not  help  thinking  it  my  duty  to  put  him  down. 
The  habit  was  an  immoral  one,  and  so  I  told  him. 
It  was  a  vulgar  one  ;  this  I  begged  him  to  beUeve. 
It  was  discountenanced  by  society ;  here  I  said 
nothing  but  the  truth.  It  was  forbidden  by  act  of 
Congress ;  here  I  had  not  the  slightest  intention  of 
teUing  a  he.  I  remonstrated  —  but  to  no  purpose. 
I  demonstrated — in  vain.  I  entreated  —  he  smiled. 
I  implored  —  he  laughed.  I  preached  —  he  sneered. 
I  threatened  —  he  swore.  I  kicked  him  —  he  called 
for  the  police.  I  pulled  his  nose  —  he  blew  it,  and 
offered  to  bet  the  Devil  his  head  that  I  would  not 
venture  to  try  that  experiment  again. 
127 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

Poverty  was  another  vice  which  the  peculiar  phy- 
sical deficiency  of  Dammit's  mother  had  entailed 
upon  her  son.  He  was  detestably  poor ;  and  this  was 
the  reason,  no  doubt,  that  his  expletive  expressions 
about  betting  seldom  took  a  pecuniary  turn.  I  will 
not  be  bound  to  say  that  I  ever  heard  him  make  use 
of  such  a  figure  of  speech  as  "  I  '11  bet  you  a  dollar." 
It  was  usually  "  I  '11  bet  you  what  you  please,"  or 
"I  '11  bet  you  what  you  dare,"  or  "I'll  bet  you  a 
trifle,"  or  else,  more  significantly  still,  "  / '//  bet  the 
Devil  my  head.  " 

This  latter  form  seemed  to  please  him  best;  per- 
haps because  it  involved  the  least  risk ;  for  Dammit 
had  become  excessively  parsimonious.  Had  any  one 
taken  him  up,  his  head  was  small,  and  thus  his  loss 
would  have  been  small  too.  But  these  are  my  own 
reflections,  and  I  am  by  no  means  sure  that  I  am  right 
in  attributing  them  to  him.  At  all  events,  the  phrase 
in  question  grew  daily  in  favor,  notwithstanding  the 
gross  impropriety  of  a  man  betting  his  brains  like 
bank-notes ;  but  this  was  a  point  which  my  friend's 
perversity  of  disposition  would  not  permit  him  to 
comprehend.  In  the  end,  he  abandoned  all  other 
forms  of  wager,  and  gave  himself  up  to  "/'//  bet 
the  Devil  my  head,''  with  a  pertinacity  and  exclusive- 
ness  of  devotion  that  displeased  not  less  than  it 
surprised  me.  I  am  always  displeased  by  circum- 
stances for  which  I  cannot  account.  Mysteries  force 
a  man  to  think,  and  so  injure  his  health.  The  truth 
is,  there  was  something  in  the  air  with  which  Mr. 
Dammit  was  wont  to  give  utterance  to  his  offen- 
sive expression  —  something  in  his  manner  of  enun- 
ciation —  which  at  first  interested,  and  afterwards 
made  me  very  uneasy  —  something  which,  for  want 

128 


NEVER  BET  THE  DEVIL  YOUR  HEAD 

of  a  more  definite  term  at  present,  I  must  be 
permitted  to  call  queer ;  but  which  Mr.  Coleridge 
would  have  called  mystical,  Mr.  Kant  pantheistical, 
Mr.  Carlyle  twistical,  and  Mr.  Emerson  hyperquizzi- 
tistical.  I  began  not  to  like  it  at  all.  Mr.  Dammit's 
soul  was  in  a  perilous  state.  I  resolved  to  bring  all 
my  eloquence  into  play  to  save  it.  I  vowed  to  serve 
him.  as  Saint  Patrick,  in  the  Irish  chronicle,  is  said  to 
have  served  the  toad,  that  is  to  say,  "  awaken  him  to 
a  sense  of  his  situation."  I  addressed  myself  to  the 
task  forthwith.  Once  more  I  betook  myself  to  re- 
monstrance. Again  I  collected  my  energies  for  a 
final  attempt  at  expostulation. 

When  I  had  made  an  end  of  my  lecture,  Mr. 
Dammit  indulged  himself  in  some  very  equivocal 
behavior.  For  some  moments  he  remained  silent, 
merely  looking  me  inquisitively  in  the  face.  But 
presently  he  threw  his  head  to  one  side,  and  elevated 
his  eyebrows  to  great  extent.  Then  he  spread  out 
the  palms  of  his  hands  and  shrugged  up  his  shoulders. 
Then  he  winked  with  the  right  eye.  Then  he  re- 
peated the  operation  with  the  left.  Then  he  shut 
them  both  up  very  tight.  Then  he  opened  them  both 
so  very  wide  that  I  became  seriously  alarmed  for  the 
consequences.  Then,  applying  his  thumb  to  his  nose, 
he  thought  proper  to  make  an  indescribable  move- 
ment with  the  rest  of  his  fingers.  Finally,  setting  his 
arms  akimbo,  he  condescended  to  reply. 

I  can  call  to  m/md  only  the  heads  of  his  discourse. 
He  would  be  obliged  to  me  if  I  would  hold  my  tongue. 
He  v/ished  none  of  my  advice.  He  despised  all  my 
insinuations.  He  was  old  enough  to  take  care  of  him- 
self. Did  I  still  think  him  baby  Dammit.?  Did  I 
mean  to  say  anything  against  his  character  ?  Did  I 
VOL.  IV.  —  9  1 29 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

intend  to  insult  him?  Was  I  a  fool?  Was  my 
maternal  parent  aware,  in  a  word,  of  my  absence 
from  the  domiciliary  residence?  He  would  put  this 
latter  question  to  me  as  to  a  man  of  veracity,  and 
he  would  bind  himself  to  abide  by  my  reply.  Once 
more  he  would  demand  explicitly  if  my  mother  knew 
that  I  was  out.  My  confusion,  he  said,  betrayed  me, 
and  he  would  be  willing  to  bet  the  Devil  his  head  that 
she  did  not. 

Mr.  Dammit  did  not  pause  for  my  rejoinder.  Turn- 
ing upon  his  heel,  he  left  my  presence  with  undignified 
precipitation.  It  was  well  for  him  that  he  did  so. 
My  feelings  had  been  wounded.  Even  my  anger  had 
been  aroused.  For  once  I  would  have  taken  him  up 
upon  his  insulting  wager.  I  would  have  won  for  the 
Arch-Enemy  Mr.  Dammit's  little  head  —  for  the  fact 
is,  my  mamma  was  very  well  aware  of  my  merely 
temporary  absence  from  home. 

But  Khoda  she/a  midehed — Heaven  gives  relief  — 
as  the  Mussulmans  say  when  you  tread  upon  their  toes. 
It  was  in  pursuance  of  my  duty  that  I  had  been  in- 
sulted, and  I  bore  the  insult  like  a  man.  It  now 
seemed  to  me,  however,  that  I  had  done  all  that 
could  be  required  of  me  in  the  case  of  this  miserable 
individual,  and  I  resolved  to  trouble  him  no  longer 
with  my  counsel,  but  to  leave  him  to  his  conscience 
and  himself.  But,  although  I  forbore  to  intrude 
with  my  advice,  I  could  not  bring  myself  to  give 
up  his  society  altogether.  I  even  went  so  far  as  to 
humor  some  of  his  less  reprehensible  propensities ; 
and  there  were  times  when  I  found  myself  lauding 
his  wicked  jokes,  as  epicures  do  mustard,  with  tears 
in  my  eyes;  so  profoundly  did  it  grieve  me  to  hear 
his  evil  talk. 

130 


NEVER   BET   THE   DEVIL   YOUR   HEAD 

One  fine  day,  having  strolled  out  together,  arm  in 
arm,  our  route  led  us  in  the  direction  of  a  river. 
There  was  a  bridge,  and  we  resolved  to  cross  it.  It 
was  roofed  over,  by  way  of  protection  from  the 
weather,  and  the  archway,  having  but  few  windows, 
was  thus  very  uncomfortably  dark.  As  we  entered 
the  passage,  the  contrast  between  the  external  glare 
and  the  interior  gloom  struck  heavily  upon  my  spirits. 
Not  so  upon  those  of  the  unhappy  Dammit,  who 
offered  to  bet  the  Devil  his  head  that  I  was  hipped. 
He  seemed  to  be  in  an  unusual  good-humor.  He  was 
excessively  lively  —  so  much  so  that  I  entertained  I 
know  not  what  of  uneasy  suspicion.  It  is  not  impos- 
sible that  he  was  affected  with  the  transcendentals. 
I  am  not  well  enough  versed,  however,  in  the  diagno- 
sis of  this  disease  to  speak  with  decision  upon  the 
point;  and  unhappily  there  were  none  of  my  friends 
of  the  "  Dial "  present.  I  suggest  the  idea,  neverthe- 
less, because  of  a  certain  species  of  austere  Merry- 
Andrewism  which  seemed  to  beset  my  poor  friend* 
and  caused  him  to  make  quite  a  Tom  Fool  of  himself. 
Nothing  would  serve  him  but  wriggling,  and  skipping 
about,  under  and  over  everything  that  came  in  his 
way;  now  shouting  out,  and  now  lisping  out,  all 
manner  of  odd  little  and  big  words,  yet  preserving 
the  gravest  face  in  the  world  all  the  time.  I  really 
could  not  make  up  my  mind  whether  to  kick  or  to 
pity  him.  At  length,  having  passed  nearly  across  the 
bridge,  we  approached  the  termination  of  the  foot- 
way, when  our  progress  was  impeded  by  a  turnstile  of 
some  height.  Through  this  I  made  my  way  quietly, 
pushing  it  around  as  usual.  But  this  turn  would  not 
serve  the  turn  of  Mr.  Dammit.  He  insisted  upon 
leaping  the  stile,  and  said  he  could  cut  a  pigeon-wing 
131 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

over  it  in  the  air.  Now  this,  conscientiously  speaking, 
I  did  not  think  he  could  do.  The  best  pigeon-winger 
over  all  kinds  of  style  was  my  friend  Mr.  Carlyle,  and, 
as  I  knew  he  could  not  do  it,  I  would  not  believe  that 
it  could  be  done  by  Toby  Dammit.  I  therefore  told 
him,  in  so  many  words,  that  he  was  a  braggadocio 
and  could  not  do  what  he  said.  For  this  I  had  reason 
to  be  sorry  afterwards ;  for  he  straightway  offered  to 
bet  the  Devil  his  head  that  he  could. 

I  was  about  to  reply,  notwithstanding  my  previous 
resolutions,  with  some  remonstrance  against  his  im- 
piety, when  I  heard,  close  at  my  elbow,  a  slight 
cough,  which  sounded  very  much  like  the  ejaculation 
''ahem/^^  I  started,  and  looked  about  me  in  sur- 
prise. My  glance  at  length  fell  into  a  nook  of  the 
framework  of  the  bridge,  and  upon  the  figure  of  a 
little  lame  old  gentleman  of  venerable  aspect.  Noth- 
ing could  be  more  reverend  than  his  whole  appear- 
ance ;  for  he  not  only  had  on  a  full  suit  of  black,  but 
his  shirt  was  perfectly  clean  and  the  collar  turned 
very  neatly  down  over  a  white  cravat,  while  his  hair 
was  parted  in  front  like  a  girl's.  His  hands  were 
clasped  pensively  together  over  his  stomach,  and 
his  two  eyes  were  carefully  rolled  up  into  the  top 
of  his  head. 

Upon  observing  him  more  closely,  I  perceived  that 
he  wore  a  black  silk  apron  over  his  small-clothes; 
and  this  was  a  thing  which  I  thought  very  odd.  Be- 
fore I  had  time  to  make  any  remark,  however,  upon 
so  singular  a  circumstance,  he  interrupted  me  with  a 
second  ^^ahemf'' 

To  this  observation  I  was  not  immediately  prepared 
to  reply.  The  fact  is,  remarks  of  this  laconic  nature 
are  nearly  unanswerable.  I  have  known  a  Quarterly 
132 


NEVER  BET  THE  DEVIL  YOUR  HEAD 

Review  nonplussed  by  the  word  ^'' Fudge  ! '*''  I  am 
not  ashamed  to  say,  therefore,  that  I  turned  to  Mr. 
Dammit  for  assistance. 

"  Dammit,"  said  I,  "what  are  you  about?  don't  you 
hear  ?  the  gentleman  says  '  ahem! '  "  I  looked  sternly 
at  my  friend  while  I  thus  addressed  him ;  for,  to  say 
the  truth,  I  felt  particularly  puzzled,  and  when  a  man 
is  particularly  puzzled  he  must  knit  his  brows  and  look 
savage,  or  else  he  is  pretty  sure  to  look  like  a  fool. 

"  Dammit,"  observed  I  —  although  this  sounded  very 
much  like  an  oath,  than  which  nothing  was  farther 
from  my  thoughts  —  "  Dammit,"  I  suggested,  "  the 
gentleman  says  'aheinr'" 

I  do  not  attempt  to  defend  my  remark  on  the  score 
of  profundity ;  I  did  not  think  it  profound  myself ; 
but  I  have  noticed  that  the  effect  of  our  speeches  is 
not  always  proportionate  with  their  importance  in  our 

own  eyes;  and  if  I  had  shot  Mr.  D through  and 

through  with  a  Paixhan  bomb,  or  knocked  him  in  the 
head  with  the  "  Poets  and  Poetry  of  America,"  he 
could  hardly  have  been  more  discomfited  than  when 
I  addressed  him  with  those  simple  words  —  "  Dammit, 
what  are  you  about  ?  —  don't  you  hear  1  —  the  gentle- 
man says  'ahem!'''''' 

"You  don't  say  so?"  gasped  he  at  length,  after 
turning  more  colors  than  a  pirate  runs  up,  one  after 
the  other,  when  chased  by  a  man-of-war.  "  Are  you 
quite  sure  he  said  that?  Well,  at  all  events  I  am  in 
for  it  now,  and  may  as  well  put  a  bold  face  upon  the 
matter.     Here  goes,  then  —  ahe7n  !  " 

At  this  the  little  old  gentleman  seemed  pleased  — 

God  only  knows  why.     He  left  his  station  at  the  nook 

of  the  bridge,  limped  forward  with  a  gracious  air,  took 

Dammit  by  the  hand  and  shook  it  cordially,  looking 

133 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

all  the  while  straight  up  in  his  face  with  an  air  of  the 
most  unadulterated  benignity  which  it  is  possible  for 
the  mind  of  man  to  imagine. 

"  I  am  quite  sure  you  will  win  it,  Dammit,"  said  he, 
with  the  frankest  of  all  smiles,  "  but  we  are  obliged  to 
have  a  trial,  you  know,  for  the  sake  of  mere  form." 

"  Ahem !  "  replied  my  friend,  taking  off  his  coat 
with  a  deep  sigh,  tying  a  pocket-handkerchief  around 
his  waist,  and  producing  an  unaccountable  alteration 
in  his  countenance  by  twisting  up  his  eyes,  and  bring- 
ing down  the  corners  of  his  mouth  —  "  ahem  !  "  And 
"  ahem,"  said  he  again,  after  a  pause ;  and  not  another 
word  more  than  "  ahem  "  did  I  ever  know  him  to  say 
after  that.  "  Aha  !  "  thought  I,  without  expressing  my- 
self aloud  —  "  this  is  quite  a  remarkable  silence  on  the 
part  of  Toby  Dammit,  and  is  no  doubt  a  consequence 
of  his  verbosity  upon  a  previous  occasion.  One  ex- 
treme induces  another.  I  wonder  if  he  has  forgotten 
the  many  unanswerable  questions  which  he  propounded 
to  me  so  fluently  on  the  day  when  I  gave  him  my 
last  lecture?  At  all  events,  he  is  cured  of  the 
transcendentals." 

"  Ahem !  "  here  repHed  Toby,  just  as  if  he  had  been 
reading  my  thoughts,  and  looking  like  a  very  old 
sheep  in  a  revery. 

The  old  gentleman  now  took  him  by  the  arm,  and 
led  him  more  into  the  shade  of  the  bridge,  a  few  paces 
back  from  the  turnstile.  "  My  good  fellow,"  said  he, 
"  I  make  it  a  point  of  conscience  to  allow  you  this  much 
run.  Wait  here,  till  I  take  my  place  by  the  stile,  so 
that  I  may  see  whether  you  go  over  it  handsomely, 
and  transcendentally,  and  don't  omit  any  flourishes 
of  the  pigeon-wing.  A  mere  form,  you  know.  I 
will  say,  '  one,  two,  three,  and  away.'  Mind  you  start 
134 


NEVER  BET  THE  DEVIL  YOUR  HEAD 

at  the  word  '  away.' "  Here  he  took  his  position  by 
the  stile,  paused  a  moment  as  if  in  profound  reflection, 
then  looked  up,  and,  I  thought,  smiled  very  slightly, 
then  tightened  the  strings  of  his  apron,  then  took  a 
long  look  at  Dammit,  and  finally  gave  the  word  as 
agreed  upon  — 

"  One  —  two  —  three  —  and  away  !  " 
Punctually  at  the  word  "  away,"  my  poor  friend  set 
off  m  a  strong  gallop.  The  stile  was  not  very  high, 
like  Mr.  Lord's  —  nor  yet  very  low,  like  that  of  JMr. 
Lord's  reviewers  —  but  upon  the  whole  I  made  sure 
that  he  would  clear  it.  And  then  what  if  he  did  not  ? 
—  ah,  that  was  the  question  —  what  if  he  did  not? 
"What  right,"  said  I,  "had  the  old  gentleman  to 
make  any  other  gentleman  jump  }  The  little  old  dot- 
and-carry-one  !  who  is  he  f  If  he  asks  me  to  jump,  I 
won't  do  it,  that 's  flat,  and  I  don't  care  who  //le  devil 
he  isy  The  bridge,  as  I  say,  was  arched  and  covered 
in,  in  a  very  ridiculous  manner,  and  there  was  a  most 
uncomfortable  echo  about  it  at  all  times  —  an  echo 
which  I  never  before  so  particularly  observed  as  when 
I  uttered  the  four  last  words  of  my  remark. 

But  what  I  said,  or  what  I  thought,  or  what  I  heard, 
occupied  only  an  instant.  In  less  than  five  seconds 
from  his  starting,  my  poor  Toby  had  taken  the  leap. 
I  saw  him  run  nimbly,  and  spring  grandly  from  the 
floor  of  the  bridge,  cutting  the  most  awful  flourishes 
with  his  legs  as  he  went  up.  I  saw  him  high  in  the 
air,  pigeon-winging  it  to  admiration  just  over  the  top 
of  the  stile;  and,  of. course,  I  thought  it  an  unusually 
singular  thing  that  he  did  not  continue  to  go  over. 
But  the  whole  leap  was  the  affair  of  a  moment,  and, 
before  I  had  a  chance  to  make  any  profound  reflec- 
tions, down  came  Mr.  Dammit  on  the  flat  of  his  back, 
135 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

on  the  same  side  of  the  stile  from  which  he  had 
started.  At  the  same  instant  I  saw  the  old  gentleman 
limping  off  at  the  top  of  his  speed,  having  caught  and 
wrapped  up  in  his  apron  something  that  fell  heavily  into 
it  from  the  darkness  of  the  arch  just  over  the  turnstile. 
At  all  this  I  was  much  astonished;  but  I  had  no 
leisure  to  think,  for  Mr.  Dammit  lay  particularly  still, 
and  I  concluded  that  his  feehngs  had  been  hurt,  and 
that  he  stood  in  need  of  my  assistance.  I  hurried  up 
to  him  and  found  that  he  had  received  what  might  be 
termed  a  serious  injury.  The  truth  is,  he  had  been  de- 
prived of  his  head,  which  after  a  close  search  I  could 
not  find  anywhere  ;  so  I  determined  to  take  him  home, 
and  send  for  the  homoeopathists.  In  the  mean  time  a 
thought  struck  me,  and  I  threw  open  an  adjacent  win- 
dow of  the  bridge ;  when  the  sad  truth  flashed  upon  me 
at  once.  About  five  feet  just  above  the  top  of  the  turn- 
stile, and  crossing  the  arch  of  the  footpath  so  as  to  con- 
stitute a  brace,  there  extended  a  flat  iron  bar,  lying  with 
its  breadth  horizontally,  and  forming  one  of  a  series 
that  served  to  strengthen  the  structure  throughout  its 
extent.  With  the  edge  of  this  brace  it  appeared  evi- 
dent that  the  neck  of  my  unfortunate  friend  had  come 
precisely  in  contact. 

He  did  not  long  survive  his  terrible  loss.  The 
homoeopathists  did  not  give  him  little  enough  physic, 
and  what  little  they  did  give  him  he  hesitated  to  take. 
So  in  the  end  he  grew  worse,  and  at  length  died,  a 
lesson  to  all  riotous  livers.  I  bedewed  his  grave  with 
my  tears,  worked  a  bar  sinister  on  his  family  escutch- 
eon, and,  for  the  general  expenses  of  his  funeral, 
sent  in  my  very  moderate  bill  to  the  transcendenta- 
lists.  The  scoundrels  refused  to  pay  it,  so  I  had  Mr. 
Dammit  dug  up  at  once,  and  sold  him  for  dog's  meat. 

136 


WHY   THE   LITTLE    FRENCHMAN 

WEARS   HIS    HAND   IN   A   SLING 


1 T  'S  on  my  wisiting  cards,  sure  enough  (and  it 's 
them  that 's  all  o'  pink  satin  paper),  that  inny  gintle- 
man  that  plases  may  behould  the  intheristhin  words, 
"  Sir  Pathnck  O'Grandison,  Barronitt,  39  Southamp- 
ton Row,  Russell  Square,  Parrish  o'  Bloomsbury." 
And  shud  ye  be  wantin  to  diskiver  who  is  the  pink  of 
purliteness  quite,  and  the  laider  of  the  hot  tun  in  the 
houl  city  o'  Lonon  —  why,  it 's  jist  mesilf.  And,  fait, 
that  same  is  no  wonder  at  all  at  all  (so  be  plased  to 
stop  curlin  your  nose),  for  every  inch  o'  the  six  wakes 
that  I  've  been  a  gintleman,  and  left  a£f  wid  the  bog- 
throthing  to  take  up  wid  the  Barronissy,  it 's  Pathrick 
that's  been  living  like  a  houly  imperor,  and  gitting  the 
iddication  and  the  graces.  Och  !  and  would  n't  it  be 
a  blessed  thing  for  your  sperrits  if  ye  cud  lay  your  two 
peepers  jist  upon  Sir  Pathrick  O'Grandison,  Barronitt, 
when  he  is  all  riddy  drissed  for  the  hopperer,  or  stip- 
ping  into  the  Brisky  for  the  drive  into  the  Hyde  Park. 
—  But  it  's  the  illigant  big  figgur  that  I  ave,  for  the 
rason  o'  which  all  the  ladies  fall  in  love  wid  me.  Is  n't 
it  my  own  swate  silf  now  that  '11  missure  the  six  fut, 
and  the  three  inches  more  nor  that,  in  me  stockings, 
and  that  am  excadingly  will-proportioned  all  over  to 
match  ?     And  is  it  ralelly  more  than  the  three  fut  and 

137 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

a  bit  that  there  is,  innyhow,  of  the  Httle  ould  furrener 
Frinchman  that  lives  jist  over  the  w2Ly,  and  that 's  a 
oggling  and  a  goggUng  the  houl  day  (and  bad  luck  to 
him)  at  the  purty  widdy  JMisthress  Trade  that 's  my 
own  nixt-door  neighbor  (God  bliss  her)  and  a  most 
particuller  f rind  and  acquaintance  ?  You  percave  the 
little  spalpeen  is  summat  down  in  the  mouth,  and 
wears  his  lift  hand  in  a  sling ;  and  it 's  for  that  same 
thing,  by  yur  lave,  that  I  'm  going  to  give  you  the  good 
rason. 

The  truth  of  the  houl  matter  is  jist  simple  enough  ; 
for  the  very  first  day  that  I  com'd  from  Connaught, 
and  showd  my  swate  little  silf  in  the  strait  to  the 
widdy,  who  was  looking  through  the  windy,  it  was  a 
gone  case  althegither  wid  the  heart  o'  the  purty  Mis- 
thress  Trade.  I  percaved  it,  ye  see,  all  at  once,  and 
no  mistake,  and  that 's  God's  thruth.  First  of  all  it 
was  up  wid  the  windy  in  a  jiffy,  and  thin  she  threw 
open  her  two  peepers  to  the  itmost,  and  thin  it  was  a 
little  gould  spy-glass  that  she  clapped  tight  to  one  o' 
them,  and  divil  may  burn  me  if  it  didn't  spake  to  me 
as  plain  as  a  peeper  cud  spake,  and  says  it,  through 
the  spy-glass,  "  Och  !  the  tip  o'  the  mornin  to  ye, 
Sir  Pathrick  O'Grandison,  Barronitt,  mavourneen ; 
and  it 's  a  nate  gintleman  that  ye  are,  sure  enough, 
and  it 's  mesilf  and  me  forten  jist  that  '11  be  at  yur  sar- 
vice,  dear,  inny  time  o'  day  at  all  at  all  for  the  asking." 
And  it 's  not  mesilf  ye  wud  have  to  be  bate  in  the  pur- 
liteness ;  so  I  made  her  a  bow  that  wud  ha  broken 
yur  heart  althegither  to  behould,  and  thin  I  pulled  aff 
me  hat  with  a  flourish,  and  thin  I  winked  at  her  hard 
wid  both  eyes,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  Thrue  for  you, 
yer  a  swate  little  crature.  Mistress  Trade,  me  darlint, 
and  I  wish  I  may  be  drownthed  dead  in  a  bog,  if 
138 


WHY   HE   WEARS   HIS   HAND   IN   A   SLING 

it 's  not  mesilf,  Sir  Pathrick  O'Grandison,  Barronitt, 
that  '11  make  a  houl  bushel  o'  love  to  yur  leddyship, 
in  the  twinkling  o'  the  eye  of  a  Londonderry  purraty." 

And  it  was  the  nixt  mornin,  sure,  jist  as  I  was 
making  up  me  mind  whither  it  would  n't  be  the  purlite 
thing  to  sind  a  bit  o'  writin  to  the  widdy  by  way  of  a 
love-litter,  when  up  cum'd  the  delivery  sarvant  wid  an 
illigant  card,  and  he  tould  me  that  the  name  on  it  (for 
I  niver  cud  rade  the  copper-plate  printin  on  account 
of  being  lift-handed)  was  all  about  Mounseer,  the 
Count,  A  Goose,  Look-aisy,  Maiter-di-dauns,  and  that 
the  houl  of  the  divilish  Hngo  was  the  spalpeeny  long 
name  of  the  little  ould  furrener  Frinchman  as  lived 
over  the  way. 

And  jist  wid  that,  in  cum'd  the  little  willain  himself, 
and  thin  he  made  me  a  broth  of  a  bow,  and  thin  he 
said  he  had  ounly  taken  the  liberty  of  doing  me  the 
honor  of  the  giving  me  a  call,  and  thin  he  went  on  to 
palaver  at  a  great  rate,  and  divil  the  bit  did  I  compre- 
hind  what  he  wud  be  afther  the  tilling  me  at  all  at  all, 
excipting  and  saving  that  he  said  "  pully  wou,  woolly 
wou,"  and  tould  me,  among  a  bushel  o'  Hes,  bad  luck 
to  him,  that  he  was  mad  for  the  love  o'  my  widdy 
Misthress  Trade,  and  that  my  widdy  Mistress  Trade 
had  a  puncheon  for  him. 

At  the  hearin  of  this,  ye  may  swear,  though,  I  was 
as  mad  as  a  grasshopper,  but  I  remimbered  that  I  was 
Sir  Pathrick  O'Grandison,  Barronitt,  and  that  it 
was  n't  althegither  gentaal  to  lit  the  anger  git  the 
upper  hand  o'  the  purliteness,  so  I  made  light  o'  the 
matter  and  kipt  dark,  and  got  quite  sociable  wid  the 
little  chap,  and  afther  a  while  what  did  he  do  but  ask 
me  to  go  wid  him  to  the  widdy's,  saying  he  wud  give 
me  the  feshionable  inthroduction  to  her  leddyship. 
^39 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

"  Is  it  there  ye  are  ?  "  said  I  thin  to  mesilf,  "  and  it 's 
thrue  for  you,  Pathrick,  that  ye  're  the  fortunnittest 
mortal  in  life.  We  '11  soon  see  now  whither  it 's  your 
swate  silf,  or  whither  it's  little  Mounseer  Maiter-di- 
dauns,  that  Misthress  Trade  is  head  and  ears  in  the 
love  wid." 

Wid  that  we  wint  aff  to  the  widdy's,  next  door,  and 
ye  may  well  say  it  was  an  illigant  place;  so  it  was. 
There  was  a  carpet  all  over  the  floor,  and  in  one  cor- 
ner there  was  a  forty-pinny  and  a  jews-harp  and  the 
divil  knows  what  ilse,  and  in  another  corner  was  a 
sofy,  the  beautifullest  thing  in  all  natur,  and  sitting  on 
the  sofy,  sure  enough,  there  was  the  swate  little  angel, 
Misthress  Trade. 

"  The  tip  o'  the  morning  to  ye,"  says  I,  "  Misthress 
Trade,"  and  thin  I  made  sich  an  illigant  obaysance 
that  it  wud  ha  quite  althegither  bewildered  the  brain 
o'  ye. 

"  Wully  woo,  pully  woo,  plump  in  the  mud,"  says 
the  little  furrenner  Frinchman,  "  and  sure  Misthress 
Trade,"  says  he,  that  he  did,  "  is  n't  this  gintleman  here 
jist  his  riverence  Sir  Pathrick  O'Grandison,  Barro- 
nitt,  and  is  n't  he  althegither  and  entirely  the  most 
purticular  frind  and  acquintance  that  I  have  in  the 
houl  world  ?  " 

And  wid  that  the  widdy,  she  gits  up  from  the  sofy, 
and  makes  the  swatest  curtchy  nor  iver  was  seen  ;  and 
thin  down  she  sits  like  an  angel ;  and  thin,  by  the 
powers,  it  was  that  little  spalpeen  Mounseer  Maiter-di- 
dauns  that  plumped  his  silf  right  down  by  the  right 
side  of  her.  Och  hon  !  I  ixpicted  the  two  eyes  o'  me 
wud  ha  cum'd  out  of  my  head  on  the  spot,  I  was  so 
dispirate  mad!  Howiver,  "Bait  who!"  says  I,  after 
a  while.  "Is  it  there  ye  are,  Mounseer  Maiter-di- 
140 


WHY    HE   WEARS    HIS    HAND    IN   A    SLING 

dauns  ?  "  and  so  down  I  plumped  on  the  lift  side  of 
her  leddyship,  to  be  aven  wid  the  willain.  Bothera- 
tion !  it  wud  ha  done  your  heart  good  to  percave  the 
illigant  double  wink  that  I  gived  her  jist  thin  right  in 
the  face  wid  both  eyes. 

But  the  little  ould  Frinchman  he  niver  beginned 
to  suspict  me  at  all  at  all,  and  disparate  hard  it  was 
he  made  the  love  to  her  leddyship.  "  Woully  wou," 
says  he,  "  PuUy  wou,"  says  he,  "  Plump  in  the  mud," 
says  he. 

"  That 's  all  to  no  use,  Mounseer  Frog,  mavour- 
neen,"  thinks  I  ;  and  I  talked  as  hard  and  as  fast  as 
I  could  all  the  while,  and  throth  it  was  mesilf  jist  that 
divarted  her  leddyship  complately  and  intirely,  by 
rason  of  the  illigant  conversation  that  I  kipt  up  wid 
her  all  about  the  dear  bogs  of  Connaught.  And  by 
and  by  she  gived  me  such  a  swate  smile,  from  one  ind 
of  her  mouth  to  the  ither,  that  it  made  me  as  bould  as 
a  pig,  and  I  jist  took  hould  of  the  ind  of  her  little 
finger  in  the  most  dilikittest  manner  in  natur,  look- 
ing at  her  all  the  while  out  o'  the  whites  of  my  eyes. 

And  then  ounly  percave  the  cuteness  of  the  swate 
angel,  for  no  sooner  did  she  obsarve  that  I  was  afther 
the  squazing  of  her  flipper,  than  she  up  wid  it  in  a 
jiffy,  and  put  it  away  behind  her  back,  jist  as  much  as 
to  say,  "  Now  thin,  Sir  Pathrick  O'Grandison,  there  's 
a  bitther  chance  for  ye,  mavourneen,  for  it's  not 
altogether  the  gentaal  thing  to  be  afther  the  squazing 
of  my  flipper  right  full  in  the  sight  of  that  little  furren- 
ner  Frinchman,  Mounseer  Maiter-di-dauns." 

Wid  that  I  giv'd  her  a  big  wink  jist  to  say,  "  lit  Sir 

Pathrick   alone   for  the  likes  o'  them  thricks,"  and 

thin  I  wint  aisy  to  work,  and  you  'd  have  died  wid  the 

divarsion  to  behould  how  cliverly  I  slipped  my  right 

141 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

arm  betwane  the  back  o'  the  sofy  and  the  back  of 
her  leddyship,  and  there,  sure  enough,  I  found  a  swate 
little  flipper  all  awaiting  to  say,  "  the  tip  o'  the  morn- 
in  to  ye,  Sir  Pathrick  O'Grandison,  Barronitt." 
And  was  n't  it  mesilf,  sure,  that  jist  giv'd  it  the  laste 
little  bit  of  a  squaze  in  the  world,  all  in  the  way  of  a 
commincement,  and  not  to  be  too  rough  wid  her 
leddyship  ?  and  och,  botheration,  was  n't  it  the  gen- 
taalest  and  dilikittest  of  all  the  little  squazes  that  I  got 
in  return?  "  Blood  and  thunder,  Sir  Pathrick,  mavour- 
neen,"  thinks  I  to  myself,  "  fait,  it 's  jist  the  mother's 
son  of  you,  and  nobody  else  at  all  at  all,  that 's  the 
handsomest  and  the  fortunittest  young  bog-throtter  that 
ever  cum'd  out  of  Connaught ! "  And  wid  that  I 
giv'd  the  flipper  a  big  squaze,  and  a  big  squaze  it  was, 
by  the  powers,  that  her  leddyship  giv'd  to  me  back. 
But  it  would  ha  split  the  seven  sides  of  you  wid  the 
laffin  to  behould,  jist  then  all  at  once,  the  consated 
behavior  of  Mounseer  Maiter-di-dauns.  The  likes  o' 
sich  a  jabbering,  and  a  smirking,  and  a  parly-wouing 
as  he  begin'd  wid  her  leddyship,  niver  was  known 
before  upon  arth  ;  and  divil  may  burn  me  if  it  was  n't 
me  own  very  two  peepers  that  cotch'd  him  tipping 
her  the  wink  out  of  one  eye.  Och  lion  !  if  it  was  n't 
mesilf  thin  that  was  mad  as  a  Kilkenny  cat  I  shud 
like  to  be  tould  who  it  was  ! 

"  Let  me  infarm  you,  Mounseer  Maiter-di-dauns," 
said  I,  as  purlite  as  iver  ye  seed,  "  that  it 's  not  the 
gintaal  thing  at  all  at  all,  and  not  for  the  likes  o'  you 
innyhow,  to  be  afther  the  oggling  and  a  goggling 
at  her  leddyship  in  that  fashion,"  and  jist  wid  that 
such  another  squaze  as  it  was  I  giv'd  her  flipper,  all  as 
much  as  to  say,  "is  n't  it  Sir  Pathrick  now,  my  jewel, 
that  '11  be  able  to  the  protecting  o'  you,  my  darlint  ?  " 
142 


WHY   HE   WEARS    HIS   HAND   IN    A   SLING 

and  then  there  cum'd  another  squaze  back,  all  by 
way  of  the  answer.  "  Thrue  for  you,  Sh"  Pathrick,"  it 
said  as  plain  as  iver  a  squaze  said  in  the  world,  "  Thrue 
for  you,  Sir  Pathrick,  mavourneen,  and  it's  a  proper 
nate  gintleman  ye  are  —  that 's  God's  thruth,"  and  wid 
that  she  opened  her  two  beautiful  peepers  till  I 
belaved  they  wud  ha  com'd  out  of  her  hid  althegither 
and  intirely,  and  she  looked  first  as  mad  as  a  cat  at 
Mounseer  Frog,  and  thin  as  smiling  as  all  out  o' 
doors  at  mesilf. 

"  Thin,"  says  he,  the  willain,  "  Och  hon  !  and  a 
wolly  wou,  pully-wou,"  and  then  wid  that  he  shoved 
up  his  two  shoulders  till  the  divil  the  bit  of  his  hid 
was  to  be  diskivered,  and  then  he  let  down  the  two 
corners  of  his  purraty-trap,  and  thin  not  a  haporth 
more  of  the  satisfaction  could  I  git  out  o'  the  spalpeen. 

Belave  me,  my  jewel,  it  was  Sir  Pathrick  that  was 
unrasonable  mad  thin,  and  the  more  by  token  that 
the  Frinchman  kept  an  wid  his  winking  at  the  widdy ; 
and  the  widdy  she  kipt  an  wid  the  squazing  of  my 
flipper,  as  much  as  to  say,  "  At  him  again,  Sir  Path- 
rick O'Grandison,  mavourneen  ;  "  so  I  just  ripped  out 
wid  a  big  oath,  and  says  I, — 

"  Ye  little  spalpeeny  frog  of  a  bog-throtting  son  of  a 
bloody-noun  !  "  —  and  jist  thin  what  d  'ye  think  it  was 
that  her  ledd^^ship  did  ?  Troth,  she  jumped  up  from 
the  sofy  as  if  she  was  bit,  and  made  off  through  the 
door,  while  I  turned  my  head  round  afther  her,  in  a 
complete  bewilderment  and  botheration,  and  followed 
her  wid  me  two  peepers.  You  percave  I  had  a  reason 
of  my  own  for  knowing  that  she  could  n't  git  down  the 
stares  althegither  and  entirely ;  for  I  knew  very  well 
that  I  had  hould  of  her  hand,  for  divil  the  bit  had  I 
iver  lit  it  go.  And  says  I, — 
143 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

"  Is  n't  it  the  laste  little  bit  of  a  mistake  in  the 
world  that  ye  've  been  afther  the  making,  yer  leddy- 
ship  ?  Come  back  now,  that 's  a  darlint,  and  I  '11  give 
ye  yur  flipper."  But  aff  she  wint  down  the  stairs  like 
a  shot,  and  then  I  turned  round  to  the  little  Frinch 
furrenner.  Och  hon  !  if  it  was  n't  his  spalpeeny  little 
paw  that  I  had  hould  of  in  my  own  —  why  thin  —  thin 
it  was  n't  —  that 's  all. 

"  And  maybe  it  was  n't  mesilf  that  jist  died  then 
outright  wid  the  laffin,  to  behould  the  little  chap  when 
he  found  out  that  it  was  n't  the  widdy  at  all  at  all  that 
he  had  hould  of  all  the  time,  but  only  Sir  Pathrick 
O'Grandison.  The  ould  divil  himself  niver  behild  sich 
a  long  face  as  he  pet  an!  As  for  Sir  Pathrick 
O'Grandison,  Barronitt,  it  was  n't  for  the  likes  of  his 
riverence  to  be  afther  the  minding  of  a  thrifle  of  a 
mistake.  Ye  may  Jist  say,  though  (for  it's  God's 
thruth)  that  afore  I  lift  hould  of  the  flipper  of  the 
spalpeen  (which  was  not  till  afther  her  leddyship's 
futmen  had  kicked  us  both  down  the  stairs)  I  gived  it 
such  a  nate  little  broth  of  a  squaze  as  made  it  all  up 
into  raspberry  jam. 

"  Wouly-wou,"  says  he,  "  pully-wou,"  says  he  — 
"Cot  tam!" 

And  that's  jist  the  thruth  of  the  rason  why  he 
wears  his  left  hand  in  a  sling. 


144 


THE    ANGEL    OF   THE    ODD 


AN  EXTRAVAGANZA 


I 


T  was  a  chilly  November  afternoon.  I  had  just 
consummated  an  unusually  hearty  dinner,  of  which 
the  dyspeptic  truffe  formed  not  the  least  important 
item,  and  was  sitting  alone  in  the  dining-room,  with 
my  feet  upon  the  fender,  and  at  my  elbow  a  small 
table  which  I  had  rolled  up  to  the  fire,  and  upon 
which  were  some  apologies  for  dessert,  with  some 
miscellaneous  bottles  of  wine,  spirit,  and  liqueur.  In 
the  morning  I  had  been  reading  Glover's  "  Leonidas," 
Wilkie's  "  Epigoniad,"  Lamartine's  "  Pilgrimage," 
Barlow's  "  Columbiad,"  Tuckerman's  "Sicily,"  and 
Griswold's  "  Curiosities ;  "  I  am  willing  to  confess, 
therefore,  that  I  now  felt  a  little  stupid.  I  made  an 
effort  to  arouse  myself  by  aid  of  frecjuent  Lafitte,  and, 
all  failing,  I  betook  myself  to  a  stray  newspaper  in 
despair.  Having  carefully  perused  the  column  of 
"houses  to  let,"  and  the  column  of  "dogs  lost,"  and 
then  the  two  columns  of  "  wives  and  apprentices  run 
away,"  I  attacked  with  great  resolution  the  editorial 
matter,  and,  reading  it  from  beginning  to  end  without 
understanding  a  syllable,  conceived  the  possibility  of 
its  being  Chinese,  and  so  re-read  it  from  the  end  to 
the  beginning,  but  with  no  more  satisfactory  result. 
I  was  about  throwing  away,  in  disgust, 

"  This  folio  of  four  pages,  happy  work 
Which  not  even  critics  criticise," 
VOL.  IV.  —  10  145 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

when  I  felt  my  attention  somewhat  aroused  by  the 
paragraph  which  follows:  — 

"  The  avenues  to  death  are  numerous  and  strange.  A 
London  paper  mentions  the  decease  of  a  person  from  a 
singular  cause.  He  was  playing  at  '  puff  the  dart,'  which 
is  played  with  a  long  needle  inserted  in  some  worsted  and 
blown  at  a  target  through  a  tin  tube.  He  placed  the 
needle  at  the  wrong  end  of  the  tube,  and,  drawing  his 
breath  strongly  to  puff  the  dart  forward  with  force,  drew 
the  needle  into  his  throat.  It  entered  the  lungs,  and  in  a 
few  days  killed  him." 

Upon  seeing  this,  I  fell  into  a  great  rage,  without 
exactly  knowing  why.  "  This  thing,"  I  exclaimed,  "  is 
a  contemptible  falsehood,  a  poor  hoax  —  the  lees  of 
the  invention  of  some  pitiable  penny-a-liner,  of  some 
wretched  concocter  of  accidents  in  Cocaigne.  These 
fellows,  knowing  the  extravagant  gullibility  of  the  age, 
set  their  wits  to  work  in  the  imagination  of  improb- 
able possibilities  —  of  odd  accidents,  as  they  term 
them ;  but  to  a  reflecting  intellect  (like  mine),"  I 
added,  in  parenthesis,  putting  my  forefinger  uncon- 
sciously to  the  side  of  my  nose,  "  to  a  contemplative 
understanding  such  as  I  myself  possess,  it  seems  evi- 
dent at  once  that  the  marvellous  increase  of  late  in 
these  'odd  accidents'  is  by  far  the  oddest  accident 
of  all.  For  my  own  part,  I  intend  to  believe  nothing 
henceforward  that  has  anything  of  the  '  singular  '  about 
it." 

"Mein  Gott,  den,  vat  a  vool  you  bees  for  dat ! " 
replied  one  of  the  most  remarkable  voices  I  ever 
heard.  At  first  I  took  it  for  a  rumbling  in  my  ears  — 
such  as  a  man  sometimes  experiences  when  getting 
very  drunk  —  but,  upon  second  thought,  I  considered 
146 


THE    ANGEL   OF    THE   ODD 

the  sound  as  more  nearly  resembling  that  which  pro- 
ceeds from  an  empty  barrel  beaten  with  a  big  stick ; 
and,  in  fact,  this  I  should  have  concluded  it  to  be,  but 
for  the  articulation  of  the  syllables  and  words.  I  am 
by  no  means  naturally  nervous,  and  the  very  few 
glasses  of  Lafitte  which  I  had  sipped  served  to  em- 
bolden me  a  little,  so  that  I  felt  nothing  of  trepidation, 
but  merely  uplifted  my  eyes  with  a  leisurely  move- 
ment, and  looked  carefully  around  the  room  for  the 
intruder.  I  could  not,  however,  perceive  any  one  at 
all. 

"  Humph  !  "  resumed  the  voice,  as  I  continued  my 
survey,  "  you  mos  pe  so  dronk  as  de  pig,  den,  for  not 
zee  me  as  I  zit  here  at  your  zide." 

Hereupon  I  bethought  me  of  looking  immediately 
before  my  nose,  and  there,  sure  enough,  confronting 
me  at  the  table  sat  a  personage  nondescript,  although 
not  altogether  indescribable.  His  body  was  a  wine- 
pipe,  or  a  rum-puncheon,  or  something  of  that  char- 
acter, and  had  a  truly  Faistaffian  air.  In  its  nether 
extremity  were  inserted  two  kegs,  which  seemed  to 
answer  all  the  purposes  of  legs.  For  arms  there 
dangled  from  the  upper  portion  of  the  carcass  two 
tolerably  long  bottles,  with  the  necks  outward  for 
hands.  All  the  head  that  I  saw  the  monster  possessed 
of,  was  one  of  those  Hessian  canteens  which  resemble 
a  large  snuff-box  with  a  hole  in  the  middle  of  the  lid. 
This  canteen  (with  a  funnel  on  its  top,  like  a  cavalier 
cap  slouched  over  the  eyes)  was  set  on  edge  upon  the 
puncheon,  with  the  hole  toward  myself ;  and  through 
this  hole,  which  seemed  puckered  up  like  the  mouth 
of  a  very  precise  old  maid,  the  creature  was  emitting 
certain  rumbling  and  grumbling  noises  which  he  evi- 
dently intended  for  intelligible  talk. 
147 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

"  I  zay,"  said  he,  "  you  mos  pe  dronk  as  de  pig,  vor 
zit  dare  and  not  zee  me  zit  ere ;  and  I  zay,  doo,  you 
mos  pe  pigger  vool  as  de  goose,  vor  to  dispelief  vat  iz 
print  in  de  print.  'T  iz  de  troof  —  dat  it  iz  —  eberry 
vord  ob  it." 

"Who  are  you,  pray?"  said  I,  with  much  dignity, 
although  somewhat  puzzled;  "how  did  you  get  here? 
and  what  is  it  you  are  talking  about  ?  " 

"  As  vor  ow  I  com'd  ere,"  replied  the  figure,  "  dat 
iz  none  of  your  pizziness  ;  and  as  vor  vat  I  be  talking 
apout,  I  be  talk  apout  vat  I  tink  proper ;  and  as  vor 
who  I  be,  vy  dat  is  de  very  ting  I  com'd  here  for  to  let 
you  zee  for  yourzelf." 

"You  are  a  drunken  vagabond,"  said  I,  "and  I 
shall  ring  the  bell  and  order  my  footman  to  kick  you 
into  the  street." 

"He!  he!  he!"  said  the  fellow,  "  hu !  hu !  hu!  dat 
you  can't  do." 

"  Can't  do ! "  said  I,  "  what  do  you  mean  ?  —  I  can't 
do  what  ?  " 

"  Ring  de  pell,"  he  replied,  attempting  a  grin  with 
his  little  villanous  mouth. 

Upon  this  I  made  an  effort  to  get  up,  in  order  to 
put  my  threat  into  execution ;  but  the  ruffian  just 
reached  across  the  table  very  deliberately,  and,  hit- 
ting me  a  tap  on  the  forehead  with  the  neck  of  one 
of  the  long  bottles,  knocked  me  back  into  the  arm- 
chair from  which  I  had  half  arisen.  I  was  utterly 
astounded ;  and  for  a  moment  was  quite  at  a  loss 
what  to  do.  In  the  mean  time,  he  continued  his 
talk. 

"  You  zee,"  said  he,  "  it  iz  te  bess  vor  zit  still ;  and 
now  you  shall  know  who  I  pe.  Look  at  me  !  zee !  I 
am  te  Angel  ov  te  Odd'"' 

148 


THE  ANGEL   OF   THE   ODD 

"  And  odd  enough,  too,"  I  ventured  to  reply  ;  "  but  I 
was  always  under  the  impression  that  an  angel  had 
wings." 

"  Te  wing !  "  he  cried,  highly  incensed,  "  vat  I  pe 
do  mit  te  wing  ?  Mein  Gott  !  do  you  take  me  vor 
a  shicken  ?  " 

"  No  —  oh  no  !  "  I  replied,  much  alarmed,  "  you  are 
no  chicken  —  certainly  not." 

"  Well,  den,  zit  still  and  pehabe  yourself,  or  I  '11  rap 
you  again  mid  me  vist.  It  iz  te  shicken  ab  te  wing, 
und  te  owl  ab  te  wing,  und  te  imp  ab  te  wing,  und  te 
head-teuffel  ab  te  wing.  Te  angel  ab  not  te  wing, 
and  I  am  te  Angel  ov  te  Odd'"' 

"  And  your  business  with  me  at  present  is  —  is  —  " 

"My  pizziness  !  "  ejaculated  the  thing,  "vy,  vat  a 
low-bred  buppy  you  mos  pe  vor  to  ask  a  gentleman 
und  an  angel  apout  his  pizziness ! " 

This  language  was  rather  more  than  I  could  bear, 
even  from  an  angel ;  so,  plucking  up  courage,  I  seized 
a  salt-cellar  which  lay  within  reach,  and  hurled  it  at 
the  head  of  the  intruder.  Either  he  dodged,  how- 
ever,  or  my  aim  was  inaccurate  ;  for  all  I  accomplished 
was  the  demolition  of  the  crystal  which  protected  the 
dial  of  the  clock  upon  the  mantel-piece.  As  for  the 
Angel,  he  evinced  his  sense  of  my  assault  by  giving 
me  two  or  three  hard  consecutive  raps  upon  the  fore- 
head as  before.  These  reduced  me  at  once  to  sub- 
mission, and  I  am  almost  ashamed  to  confess  that, 
either  through  pain  or  vexation,  there  came  a  few 
tears  into  my  eyes. 

"  Mein  Gott ! "  said  the  Angel  of  the  Odd,  ap- 
parently much  softened  at  my  distress ;  "  mein  Gott, 
te  man  is  eder  ferry  dronk  or  ferry  zorry.  You  mos 
not  trink  it  so  strong  —  you  mos  put  te  water  in  te 
149 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND  CAPRICE 

wine.  Here,  trink  dis,  like  a  goot  veller,  und  don't 
gry  now  —  don't !  " 

Hereupon  the  Angel  of  the  Odd  replenished  my 
goblet  (which  was  about  a  third  full  of  port)  with  a 
colorless  fluid  that  he  poured  from  one  of  his  hand 
bottles.  I  observed  that  these  bottles  had  labels 
about  their  necks,  and  that  these  labels  were  inscribed 
"  Kirschwasser." 

The  considerate  kindness  of  the  Angel  mollified 
me  in  no  little  measure  ;  and,  aided  by  the  water  with 
which  he  diluted  my  port  more  than  once,  I  at  length 
regained  sufficient  temper  to  listen  to  his  very  extra- 
ordinary discourse.  I  cannot  pretend  to  recount  all 
that  he  told  me,  but  I  gleaned  from  what  he  said 
that  he  was  the  genius  who  presided  over  the  contre- 
te7nps  of  mankind,  and  whose  business  it  was  to  bring 
about  the  odd  accidents  which  are  continually  aston- 
ishing the  sceptic.  Once  or  twice,  upon  my  ventur- 
ing to  express  my  total  incredulity  in  respect  to  his 
pretensions,  he  grew  very  angry  indeed,  so  that  at 
length  I  considered  it  the  wiser  policy  to  say  nothing 
at  all  and  let  him  have  his  own  way.  He  talked  on, 
therefore,  at  great  length,  while  I  merely  leaned  back 
in  my  chair  with  my  eyes  shut,  and  amused  myself 
with  munching  raisins  and  filliping  the  stems  about  the 
room.  But,  by-and-by,  the  Angel  suddenly  construed 
this  behavior  of  mine  into  contempt.  He  arose  in  a 
terrible  passion,  slouched  his  funnel  down  over  his 
eyes,  swore  a  vast  oath,  uttered  a  threat  of  some 
character  which  I  did  not  precisely  comprehend,  and 
finally  made  me  a  low  bow  and  departed,  wishing  me, 
in  the  language  of  the  archbishop  in  Gil  Bias,  "  beau- 
coup  de  bonhetir  et  U7t  pen  plus  de  bon  sensy 

His  departure  afforded  me  relief.  The  very  few 
150 


THE   ANGEL   OF   THE   ODD 

glasses  of  Lafitte  that  I  had  sipped  had  the  effect  of 
rendering  me  drowsy,  and  I  felt  incHned  to  take  a  nap 
of  some  fifteen  or  twenty  minutes,  as  is  my  custom 
after  dinner.  At  sixr  I  had  an  appointment  of  conse- 
quence, which  it  was  quite  indispensable  that  I  should 
keep.  The  policy  of  insurance  for  my  dwelling-house 
had  expired  the  day  before  ;  and,  some  dispute  hav- 
ing arisen,  it  was  agreed  that,  at  six,  I  should  meet 
the  board  of  directors  of  the  company  and  settle  the 
terms  of  a  renewal  Glancing  upward  at  the  clock  on 
the  mantel-piece  (for  I  felt  too  drowsy  to  take  out  my 
watch),  I  had  the  pleasure  to  find  that  I  had  still 
twenty-five  minutes  to  spare.  It  was  half-past  five; 
I  could  easily  walk  to  the  insurance  office  in  five 
minutes ;  and  my  usual  siestas  had  never  been  known 
to  exceed  five  and  twenty,  I  felt  sufficiently  safe, 
therefore,  and  composed  myself  to  my  slumbers 
forthwith. 

Having  completed  them  to  my  satisfaction,  I  again 
looked  toward  the  timepiece  and  was  half  inclined 
to  believe  in  the  possibiUty  of  odd  accidents  when  I 
found  that,  instead  of  my  ordinary  fifteen  or  twenty 
minutes,  I  had  been  dozing  only  three ;  for  it  still 
wanted  seven  and  twenty  of  the  appointed  hour.  I 
betook  myself  again  to  my  nap,  and  at  length  a  second 
time  awoke,  when,  to  my  utter  amazement,  it  still 
wanted  twenty-seven  minutes  of  six.  I  jumped  up 
to  examine  the  clock,  and  found  that  it  had  ceased 
running.  My  watch  informed  me  that  it  was  half- 
past  seven ;  and,  of  course,  having  slept  two  hours, 
I  was  too  late  for  my  appointment.  "It  will  make 
no  difference,"  I  said,  "  I  can  call  at  the  office  in  the 
morning  and  apologize  ;  in  the  mean  time  what  can  be 
the  matter  with  the  clock  ?  "  Upon  examining  it,  I 
151 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND    CAPRICE 

discovered  that  one  of  the  raisin  stems,  which  I  had 
been  filliping  about  the  room  during  the  discourse 
of  the  Angel  of  the  Odd,  had  flown  through  the 
fractured  crystal,  and  lodging,  singularly  enough,  in 
the  key-hole,  with  an  end  projecting  outward,  had 
thus  arrested  the  revolution  of  the  minute-hand. 

"  Ah  !  "  said  I,  "  I  see  how  it  is.  This  thing  speaks 
for  itself.  A  natural  accident,  such  as  will  happen 
now  and  then  !  " 

I  gave  the  matter  no  further  consideration,  and  at 
my  usual  hour  retired  to  bed.  Here,  having  placed  a 
candle  upon  a  reading-stand  at  the  bed-head,  and 
having  made  an  attempt  to  peruse  some  pages  of  the 
"  Omnipresence  of  the  Deity,"  I  unfortunately  fell 
asleep  in  less  than  twenty  seconds,  leaving  the  light 
burning  as  it  was. 

My  dreams  were  terrifically  disturbed  by  visions  of 
the  Angel  of  the  Odd.  Methought  he  stood  at  the 
foot  of  the  couch,  drew  aside  the  curtains,  and,  in  the 
hollow,  detestable  tones  of  a  rum  puncheon,  menaced 
me  with  the  bitterest  vengeance  for  the  contempt  with 
which  I  had  treated  him.  He  concluded  a  long  har- 
angue by  taking  off  his  funnel-cap,  inserting  the  tube 
into  my  gullet,  and  thus  deluging  me  with  an  ocean 
of  Kirschwasser,  which  he  poured  in  a  continuous  flood 
from  one  of  the  long-necked  bottles  that  stood  him 
instead  of  an  arm.  My  agony  was  at  length  insuffer- 
able, and  I  awoke  just  in  time  to  perceive  that  a  rat 
had  run  off  with  the  lighted  candle  from  the  stand, 
but  not  in  season  to  prevent  his  making  his  escape 
with  it  through  the  hole.  Very  soon,  a  strong  suffo- 
cating odor  assailed  my  nostrils ;  the  house,  I  clearly 
perceived,  was  on  fire.  In  a  few  minutes  the  blaze 
broke  forth  with  violence,  and  in  an  incredibly  brief 
152 


THE   ANGEL   OF   THE   ODD 

period  the  entire  building  was  wrapped  in  flames. 
All  egress  from  my  chamber,  except  through  a  win- 
dow, was  cut  off.  The  crowd,  however,  quickly  pro- 
cured and  raised  a  long  ladder.  By  means  of  this  I 
was  descending  rapidly,  and  in  apparent  safety,  when 
a  huge  hog,  about  whose  rotund  stomach,  and  indeed 
about  whose  whole  air  and  physiognomy,  there  was 
something  which  reminded  me  of  the  Angel  of  the 
Odd  —  when  this  hog,  I  say,  which  hitherto  had  been 
quietly  slumbering  in  the  mud,  took  it  suddenly  into 
his  head  that  his  left  shoulder  needed  scratching,  and 
could  find  no  more  convenient  rubbing-post  than  that 
afforded  by  the  foot  of  the  ladder.  In  an  instant  I 
was  precipitated,  and  had  the  misfortune  to  fracture 
my  arm. 

This  accident,  with  the  loss  of  my  insurance,  and 
with  the  more  serious  loss  of  my  hair,  the  whole  of 
which  had  been  singed  off  by  the  fire,  predisposed 
me  to  serious  impressions,  so  that,  finally,  I  made  up 
my  mind  to  take  a  wife.  There  was  a  rich  widow 
disconsolate  for  the  loss  of  her  seventh  husband,  and 
to  her  wounded  spirit  I  offered  the  balm  of  ray  vows. 
She  yielded  a  reluctant  consent  to  my  prayers.  I 
knelt  at  her  feet  in  gratitude  and  adoration.  She 
blushed  and  bowed  her  luxuriant  tresses  into  close 
contact  with  those  supplied  me,  temporarily,  by 
Grandjean.  I  know  not  how  the  entanglement  took 
place,  but  so  it  was.  I  arose  with  a  shining  pate,  wig- 
less;  she  in  disdain  and  wrath,  half  buried  in  alien 
hair.  Thus  ended  my  hopes  of  the  widow  by  an 
accident  which  could  not  have  been  anticipated,  to  be 
sure,  but  which  the  natural  sequence  of  events  had 
brought  about. 

Without  despairing,  however,  I  undertook  the  siege 
153 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

of  a  less  implacable  heart.  The  fates  were  again  pro- 
pitious for  a  brief  period ;  but  again  a  trivial  incident 
interfered.  Meeting  my  betrothed  in  an  avenue 
thronged  with  the  elite  of  the  city,  I  was  hastening  to 
greet  her  with  one  of  my  best-considered  bows,  when 
a  small  particle  of  some  foreign  matter,  lodging  in 
the  corner  of  my  eye,  rendered  me  for  the  moment 
completely  bhnd.  Before  I  could  recover  my  sight, 
the  lady  of  my  love  had  disappeared  —  irreparably 
affronted  at  what  she  chose  to  consider  my  premeditated 
rudeness  in  passing  her  by  ungreeted.  While  I  stood 
bewildered  at  the  suddenness  of  this  accident  (v/hich 
might  have  happened,  nevertheless,  to  any  one  under 
the  sun),  and  while  I  still  continued  incapable  of  sight, 
I  was  accosted  by  the  Angel  of  the  Odd,  who  prof- 
fered me  his  aid  with  a  civility  which  I  had  no  reason 
to  expect.  He  examined  my  disordered  eye  with 
much  gentleness  and  skill,  informed  me  that  I  had  a 
drop  in  it,  and  (whatever  a  "  drop  "  was)  took  it  out, 
and  afforded  me  relief. 

I  now  considered  it  high  time  to  die  (since  fortune 
had  so  determined  to  persecute  me),  and  accordingly 
made  my  way  to  the  nearest  river.  Here,  divesting 
myself  of  my  clothes  (for  there  is  no  reason  why  we 
cannot  die  as  we  were  born),  I  threw  myself  headlong 
into  the  current ;  the  sole  witness  of  my  fate  being  a 
solitary  crow  that  had  been  seduced  into  the  eating  of 
brandy-saturated  corn,  and  so  had  staggered  away 
from  his  fellows.  No  sooner  had  I  entered  the  water 
than  this  bird  took  it  into  his  head  to  fly  away  with 
the  most  indispensable  portion  of  my  apparel.  Post- 
poning, therefore,  for  the  present,  my  suicidal  design, 
I  just  slipped  my  nether  extremities  into  the  sleeves 
of  my  coat,  and  betook  myself  to  a  pursuit  of  the 
154 


THE   ANGEL   OF   THE   ODD 

felon  with  all  the  nimbleness  which  the  case  required 
and  its  circumstances  would  admit.  But  my  evil 
destiny  attended  me  still.  As  I  ran  at  full  speed, 
with  my  nose  up  in  the  atmosphere,  and  intent  only 
upon  the  purloiner  of  my  property,  I  suddenly  per- 
ceived that  my  feet  rested  no  longer  upon  terra-firma j 
the  fact  is,  I  had  thrown  myself  over  a  precipice,  and 
should  inevitably  have  been  dashed  to  pieces  but  for 
my  good  fortune  in  grasping  the  end  of  a  long  guide- 
rope,  which  depended  from  a  passing  balloon. 

As  soon  as  I  sufficiently  recovered  my  senses  to 
comprehend  the  terrific  predicament  in  which  I  stood, 
or  rather  hung,  I  exerted  all  the  power  of  my  lungs  to 
make  that  predicament  known  to  the  aeronaut  over- 
head. But  for  a  long  time  I  exerted  myself  in  vain. 
Either  the  fool  could  not,  or  the  villain  would  not, 
perceive  me.  Meantime  the  machine  rapidly  soared, 
while  my  strength  even  more  rapidly  failed.  I  was 
soon  upon  the  point  of  resigning  myself  to  my  fate 
and  dropping  quietly  into  the  sea,  when  my  spirits 
were  suddenly  revived  by  hearing  a  hollow  voice  from 
above,  which  seemed  to  be  lazily  humming  an  opera 
air.  Looking  up,  I  perceived  the  Angel  of  the  Odd. 
He  was  leaning,  with  his  arms  folded,  over  the  rim  of 
the  car ;  and  with  a  pipe  in  his  mouth,  at  which  he 
puffed  leisurely,  seemed  to  be  upon  excellent  terms 
with  himself  and  the  universe.  I  was  too  much 
exhausted  to  speak,  so  I  merely  regarded  him  with  an 
imploring  air. 

For  several  minutes,  although  he  looked  me  full  in 
the  face,  he  said  nothing.     At  length,  removing  care- 
fully his  meerschaum  from  the  right  to  the  left  corner 
of  his  mouth,  he  condescended  to  speak. 
155 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

"  Who  pe  you,"  he  asked,  "  und  what  der  teuff el 
you  pe  do  dare  ? " 

To  this  piece  of  impudence,  cruelty,  and  affectation, 
I  could  reply  only  by  ejaculating  the  monosyllable 
"Help!" 

"  Elp  ! "  echoed  the  ruffian  —  "not  I.  Dare  iz  te 
pottle  —  elp  yourself,  und  pe  tam'd  ! '' 

With  these  words  he  let  fall  a  heavy  bottle  of 
Kirschwasser,  which,  dropping  precisely  upon  the 
crown  of  my  head,  caused  me  to  imagine  that  my 
brains  were  entirely  knocked  out.  Impressed  with 
this  idea,  I  was  about  to  relinquish  my  hold  and  give 
up  the  ghost  with  a  good  grace,  when  I  was  arrested 
by  the  cry  of  the  Angel,  who  bade  me  hold  on. 

"Old  on!"  he  said;  "don't  pe  in  te  urry  —  don't! 
Will  you  pe  take  de  odder  pottle,  or  ave  you  pe  got 
zober  yet  and  come  to  your  zenzes  ?  " 

I  made  haste,  hereupon,  to  nod  my  head  twice  — 
once  in  the  negative,  meaning  thereby  that  I  would 
prefer  not  taking  the  other  bottle  at  present  —  and 
once  in  the  affirmative,  intending  thus  to  imply  that  I 
was  sober  and  7^(2^/ positively  come  to  my  senses.  By 
these  means  I  somewhat  softened  the  Angel. 

"  Und  you  pelief,  ten,"  he  inquired,  "  at  te  last  ? 
You  pelief,  ten,  in  te  possibility  of  te  odd  ?  " 

I  again  nodded  my  head  in  assent. 

"  Und  you  ave  pelief  in  7ne,  te  Angel  of  te  Odd  ?  " 

I  nodded  again. 

"  Und  you  acknowledge  tat  you  pe  te  blind  dronk 
und  te  vool?" 

I  nodded  once  more. 

"  Put  your  right  hand  into  your  left  hand  preeches 
pocket,  ten,  in  token  ov  your  vull  zubmizzion  unto  te 
Angel  ov  te  Odd." 

156 


THE   ANGEL   OF   THE   ODD 

This  tiling,  for  very  obvious  reasons,  I  found  it  quite 
impossible  to  do.  In  the  first  place,  my  left  arm 
had  been  broken  in  my  fall  from  the  ladder,  and, 
therefore,  had  I  let  go  my  hold  with  the  right  hand,  I 
must  have  let  go  altogether.  In  the  second  place,  I 
could  have  no  breeches  until  I  came  across  the  crow. 
I  was  therefore  obliged,  much  to  my  regret,  to  shake 
my  head  in  the  negative  —  intending  thus  to  give  the 
Angel  to  understand  that  I  found  it  inconvenient, 
just  at  that  moment,  to  comply  with  his  very  reason- 
able demand!  No  sooner,  however,  had  I  ceased 
shaking  my  head  than  — 

"  Go  to  der  teuffel,  ten ! "  roared  the  Angel  of  the 
Odd. 

In  pronouncing  these  words,  he  drew  a  sharp  knife 
across  the  guide-rope  by  which  I  was  suspended,  and, 
as  we  then  happened  to  be  precisely  over  my  own 
house  (which,  during  my  peregrinations,  had  been 
handsomely  rebuilt),  it  so  occurred  that  I  tumbled 
headlong  down  the  ample  chimney  and  alit  upon  the 
dining-room  hearth. 

Upon  coming  to  my  senses  (for  the  fall  had  very 
thoroughly  stunned  me),  I  found  it  about  four  o'clock 
in  the  morning.  I  lay  outstretched  where  I  had 
fallen  from  the  balloon.  My  head  grovelled  in  the 
ashes  of  an  extinguished  fire,  while  my  feet  reposed 
upon  the  wreck  of  a  small  table,  overthrown,  and 
amid  the  fragments  of  a  miscellaneous  dessert,  inter- 
mingled with  a  newspaper,  some  broken  glasses,  and 
shattered  bottles,  and  an  empty  jug  of  the  Schiedam 
Kirschwasser.  Thus  revenged  himself  the  Angel 
of  the  Odd. 


^57 


THE    BUSINESS    MAN 

Method  is  the  soul  of  business. 

Old  Saying. 

1  AM  a  business  man.  I  am  a  methodical  man. 
Method  is  the  thing,  after  all.  But  there  are  no 
people  I  more  heartily  despise  than  your  eccentric 
fools  who  prate  about  method  without  understanding 
it;  attending  strictly  to  its  letter,  and  violating  its 
spirit.  These  fellows  are  always  doing  the  most  out- 
of-the-way  things  in  what  they  call  an  orderly  manner. 
Now  here,  I  conceive,  is  a  positive  paradox.  True 
method  appertains  to  the  ordinary  and  the  obvious 
alone,  and  cannot  be  applied  to  the  oiitrS.  What 
definite  idea  can  a  body  attach  to  such  expressions  as 
"  methodical  Jack  o'  Dandy,"  or  "  a  systematical 
Will  o'  the  Wisp  "  .? 

My  notions  upon  this  head  might  not  have  been  so 
clear  as  they  are  but  for  a  fortunate  accident  which 
happened  to  me  when  I  was  a  very  little  boy.  A 
good-hearted  old  Irish  nurse  (whom  I  shall  not  forget 
in  my  will)  took  me  up  one  day  by  the  heels,  when  I 
was  making   more   noise    than   was    necessary,    and, 

swinging  me  round  two  or  three  times,  d d  my  eyes 

for  "  a  skreeking  little  spalpeen,"  and  then  knocked 

my  head   into   a   cocked   hat   against   the    bedpost. 

This,  I  say,  decided  my  fate  and  made  my  fortune. 

158 


THE   BUSINESS   MAN 

A  bump  arose  at  once  on  my  sinciput,  and  turned  out 
to  be  as  pretty  an  organ  of  order  as  one  shall  see  on 
a  summer's  day.  Hence  that  positive  appetite  for 
system  and  regularity  which  has  made  me  the  distin- 
guished man  of  business  that  I  am. 

If  there  is  anything  on  earth  I  hate,  it  is  a  genius. 
Your  geniuses  are  all  arrant  asses  —  the  greater  the 
genius  the  greater  the  ass  —  and  to  this  rule  there  is 
no  exception  whatever.  Especially,  you  cannot  make 
a  man  ot  business  out  of  a  genius,  any  more  than 
money  out  of  a  Jew  or  the  best  nutmegs  out  of  pine- 
knots.  The  creatures  are  always  going  off  at  a 
tangent  into  some  fantastic  employment,  or  ridiculous 
speculation,  entirely  at  variance  with  the  "  fitness  of 
things,"  and  having  no  business  whatever  to  be  con- 
sidered as  a  business  at  all.  Thus  you  may  tell  these 
characters  immediately  by  the  nature  of  their  occu- 
pations. If  you  ever  perceive  a  man  setting  up  as  a 
merchant  or  a  manufacturer ;  or  going  into  the  cotton 
or  tobacco  trade,  or  any  of  those  eccentric  pursuits; 
or  getting  to  be  a  dry-goods  dealer,  or  soap-boiler,  or 
something  of  that  kind  ;  or  pretending  to  be  a  law- 
yer, or  a  blacksmith,  or  a  physician  —  anything  out  of 
the  usual  way  —  you  may  set  him  down  at  once  as 
a  genius,  and  then,  according  to  the  rule-of-three,  he  's 
an  ass. 

Now  I  am  not  in  any  respect  a  genius,  but  a  regular 
business  man.  My  Day-book  and  Ledger  will  evince 
this  in  a  minute.  They  are  well  kept,  though  I  say 
it  myself;  and,  in  my  general  habits  of  accuracy  and 
punctuality,  I  am  not  to  be  beat  by  a  clock.  More- 
over, my  occupations  have  been  always  made  to 
chime  in  with  the  ordinary  habitudes  of  my  fellow- 
men.     Not  that  I  feel  the  least  indebted,  upon  this 

159 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

score,  to  my  exceedingly  weak-minded  parents,  who, 
beyond  doubt,  would  have  made  an  arrant  genius  of 
me  at  last,  if  my  guardian  angel  had  not  come  in 
good  time  to  the  rescue.  In  biography  the  truth  is 
everything,  and  in  autobiography  it  is  especially  so, 
—  yet  I  scarcely  hope  to  be  believed  when  I  state, 
however  solemnly,  that  my  poor  father  put  me,  when 
I  was  about  fifteen  years  of  age,  into  the  counting- 
house  of  what  he  termed  "  a  respectable  hardware 
and  commission  merchant  doing  a  capital  bit  of  busi- 
ness ! "  A  capital  bit  of  fiddlestick  !  Hov/ever,  the 
consequence  of  this  folly  was  that,  in  two  or  three 
days,  I  had  to  be  sent  home  to  my  button-headed 
family  in  a  high  state  of  fever,  and  with  a  most  violent 
and  dangerous  pain  in  the  sinciput,  all  round  about 
my  organ  of  order.  It  was  nearly  a  gone  case  with 
me  then  —  just  touch-and-go  for  six  weeks  —  the 
physicians  giving  me  up  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
But,  although  I  suffered  much,  I  was  a  thankful  boy 
in  the  main,  I  was  saved  from  being  a  "  respectable 
hardware  and  commission  merchant  doing  a  capital 
bit  of  business,"  and  I  felt  grateful  to  the  protub- 
erance which  had  been  the  means  of  my  salvation,  as 
well  as  to  the  kind-hearted  female  who  had  originally 
put  these  means  within  my  reach. 

The  most  of  boys  run  away  from  home  at  ten  or 
twelve  years  of  age,  but  I  waited  till  I  was  sixteen. 
I  don't  know  that  I  should  have  gone,  even  then,  if  I 
had  not  happened  to  hear  my  old  mother  talk  about 
setting  me  up  on  my  own  hook  in  the  grocery  way. 
The  grocery  way  !  —  only  think  of  that !  I  resolved 
to  be  off  forthwith,  and  try  and  establish  myself  in 
some  decent  occupation,  without  dancing  attendance 
any  longer  upon  the  caprices  of  these  eccentric  old 
1 60 


THE   BUSINESS    MAN 

people,  and  running  the  risk  of  being  made  a  genius 
of  in  the  end.  In  this  project  I  succeeded  perfectly 
well  at  the  first  effort,  and  by  the  time  I  was  fairly 
eighteen  found  myself  doing  an  extensive  and  profit- 
able business  in  the  Tailor's  Walking-Advertisement 
line. 

I  was  enabled  to  discharge  the  onerous  duties  of 
this  profession  only  by  that  rigid  adherence  to  system 
which  formed  the  leading  feature  of  my  mind.  A 
scrupulous  method  characterized  my  actions  as  well  as 
my  accounts.  In  my  case,  it  was  method,  not  money, 
which  made  the  man  ;  at  least  all  of  him  that  was 
not  made  by  the  tailor  whom  I  served.  At  nine, 
every  morning,  I  called  upon  that  individual  for  the 
clothes  of  the  day.  Ten  o'clock  found  me  in  some 
fashionable  promenade  or  other  place  of  public 
amusement.  The  precise  regularity  with  which  I 
turned  my  handsome  person  about,  so  as  to  bring 
successively  into  view  every  portion  of  the  suit  upon 
my  back,  was  the  adm.iration  of  all  the  knowing  men 
in  the  trade.  Noon  never  passed  without  my  bringing 
home  a  customer  to  the  house  of  my  employers, 
Messrs.  Cut  and  Comeagain.  I  say  this  proudly,  but 
with  tears  in  my  eyes  —  for  the  firm  proved  them- 
selves the  basest  of  ingrates.  The  little  account 
about  which  we  quarrelled  and  finally  parted  cannot, 
in  any  item,  be  thought  overcharged,  by  gentlemen 
really  conversant  with  the  nature  of  the  business. 
Upon  this  point,  however,  I  feel  a  degree  of  proud 
satisfaction  in  permitting  the  reader  to  judge  for  him- 
self.    My  bill  ran  thus :  — 

VOL.  IV.  —  II  i6i 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

Messrs.  Cut  and  Comeagain,  Merchant  Tailors. 

To  Peter  Proffit,  Walking  Advertiser,     Drs. 

July  10.   To  promenade,  as  usual,  and   customer 

brought  home,  $00.25 

July  II.    To  promenade,  as  usual,  and  customer 

brought  home,  25 

July  12.   To  one  lie,  second  class;  damaged  black 

cloth  sold  for  invisible  green,  25 

July  13.  To  one  lie,  first  class,  extra  quality  and 
size;  recommending  milled  satinet  as 
broadcloth,  75 

July   20.  To  purchasing  brand-new  paper  shirt-collar 

or  dickey,  to  set  off  gray  Petersham,  2 

Aug.  15.   To  wearing  double-padded  bobtail  frock 

(thermometer  106  in  the  shade),  25 

Aug.  16.  Standing  on  one  leg  three  hours,  to  show 
off  new-style  strapped  pants  at  12^ 
cents  per  leg  per  hour,  27^ 

Aug.  17.  To  promenade,  as  usual,  and  large  cus- 
tomer brought  (fat  man),  50 

Aug.  18.  To  promenade,  as  usual,  and  large  cus- 
tomer brought  (medium  size),  25 

Aug.  19.  To  promenade,  as  usual,  and  large  cus- 
tomer brought  (small  man  and  bad 
pay),  6_ 

The  item  chiefly  disputed  in  this  bill  was  the  very 
moderate  charge  of  two  pennies  for  the  dickey.  Upon 
my  word  of  honor,  this  was  not  an  unreasonable  price 
for  that  dickey.  It  was  one  of  the  cleanest  and  pret- 
tiest little  dickeys  I  ever  saw ;  and  I  have  good  reason 
to  believe  that  it  effected  the  sale  of  three  Petershams. 
The  elder  partner  of  the  firm,  however,  would  allow 
me  only  one  penny  of  the  charge,  and  took  it  upon 
himself  to  show  in  what  manner  four  of  the  same 
162 


THE   BUSINESS   MAN 

sized  conveniences  could  be  got  out  of  a  sheet  of 
foolscap.  But  it  is  needless  to  say  that  I  stood  upon 
the  pri7iciple  of  the  thing.  Business  is  business,  and 
should  be  done  in  a  business  way.  There  was  no 
system  whatever  in  swindling  me  out  of  a  penny  — 
a  clear  fraud  of  fifty  per  cent.  —  no  method  in  any 
respect.  I  left  at  once  the  employment  of  Messrs. 
Cut  and  Comeagain,  and  set  up  in  the  Eye-Sore  line 
by  myself ;  one  of  the  most  lucrative,  respectable,  and 
independent  of  the  ordinary  occupations. 

My  strict  integrity,  economy,  and  rigorous  business 
habits  here  again  came  into  play.  I  found  myself 
driving  a  flourishing  trade,  and  soon  became  a  marked 
man  upon  "  Change."  The  truth  is,  I  never  dabbled 
in  flashy  matters,  but  jogged  on  in  the  good  old  sober 
routine  of  the  calling  —  a  calhng  in  which  I  should, 
no  doubt,  have  remained  to  the  present  hour,  but  for 
a  little  accident  which  happened  to  me  in  the  prosecu- 
tion of  one  of  the  usual  business  operations  of  the 
profession.  Whenever  a  rich  old  hunks,  or  prodigal 
heir,  or  bankrupt  corporation,  gets  into  the  notion  of 
putting  up  a  palace,  there  is  no  such  thing  in  the 
world  as  stopping  either  of  them,  and  this  every  intel- 
ligent person  knows.  The  fact  in  question  is  indeed 
the  basis  of  the  Eye-Sore  trade.  As  soon,  therefore, 
as  a  building  project  is  fairly  afoot  by  one  of  these 
parties,  we  merchants  secure  a  nice  corner  of  the  lot 
in  contemplation,  or  a  prime  little  situation  just  ad- 
joining or  right  in  front.  This  done,  we  wait  until  the 
palace  is  halfway  up,  and  then  we  pay  some  tasty 
architect  to  run  us  up  an  ornamental  mud  hovel,  right 
against  it;  or  a  Down-East  or  Dutch  Pagoda,  or  a 
pig-sty,  or  an  ingenious  little  bit  of  fancy-work,  either 
Esquimaux,  Kickapoo,  or  Hottentot.  Of  course,  we 
163 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

can't  afford  to  take  these  structures  down  under  a 
bonus  of  five  hundred  per  cent,  upon  the  prime  cost 
of  our  lot  and  plaster.  Can  we  ?  I  ask  the  question. 
I  ask  it  of  business  men.  It  would  be  irrational  to 
suppose  that  we  can.  And  yet  there  was  a  rascally 
corporation  which  asked  me  to  do  this  very  thing  — 
this  very  thifig  !  I  did  not  reply  to  their  absurd  pro- 
position, of  course;  but  I  felt  it  a  duty  to  go  that 
same  night  and  lamp-black  the  whole  of  their  palace. 
For  this  the  unreasonable  villains  clapped  me  into 
jail ;  and  the  gentlemen  of  the  Eye-Sore  trade  could 
not  well  avoid  cutting  my  connection  when  I  came  out. 
The  Assault  and  Battery  business,  into  which  I  was 
now  forced  to  adventure  for  a  livelihood,  was  some- 
what ill-adapted  to  the  delicate  nature  of  my  consti- 
tution ;  but  I  went  to  work  in  it  with  a  good  heart, 
and  found  my  account  here,  as  heretofore,  in  those 
stern  habits  of  methodical  accuracy  which  had  been 
thumped  into  me  by  that  delightful  old  nurse  —  I 
would  indeed  be  the  basest  of  men  not  to  remember 
her  well  in  my  will.  By  observing,  as  I  say,  the 
strictest  system  in  all  my  dealings,  and  keeping  a  well- 
regulated  set  of  books,  I  was  enabled  to  get  over 
many  serious  difficulties,  and  in  the  end  to  establish 
myself  very  decently  in  the  profession.  The  truth  is 
that  few  individuals,  in  any  line,  did  a  snugger  little 
business  than  I.  I  will  just  copy  a  page  or  so  out  of 
my  Day-Book;  and  this  will  save  me  the  necessity  of 
blowing  my  own  trumpet  —  a  contemptible  practice, 
of  which  no  high-minded  man  will  be  guilty.  Now, 
the  Day-Book  is  a  thing  that  don't  lie. 

*^ January  i.  —  New  Year's  day.    Met  Snap  in  the  street, 
groggy.     Mem.  —  he  '11  do.    Met  Gruff  shortly  afterwards, 
blind  drunk.     Mem.  —  he'll    answer    too.     Entered  both 
164 


THE   BUSINESS   MAN 

gentlemen  in  my  Ledger,  and  opened  a  running  account 
with  each. 

^^Januaiy  2.  —  Saw  Snap  at  the  Exchange,  and  went  up 
and  trod  on  his  toe.  Doubled  his  fist  and  knocked  me 
down.  Good  I  —  got  up  again.  Some  trifling  difficulty  with 
Bag,  my  attorney.  I  want  the  damages  at  a  thousand,  but 
he  says  that,  for  so  simple  a  knockdown,  we  can't  lay  them 
at  more  than  five  hundred.  Mem.  —  must  get  rid  of  Bag 
—  no  system  at  all. 

^^ January  3.  —  Went  to  the  theatre,  to  look  for  Gruff. 
Saw  him  sitting  in  a  side  box,  in  the  second  tier,  between 
a  fat  lady  and  a  lean  one.  Quizzed  the  whole  party  through 
an  opera-glass,  till  I  saw  the  fat  lady  blush  and  whisper  to 
G.  Went  round,  then,  into  the  box,  and  put  my  nose 
within  reach  of  his  hand.  Wouldn't  pull  it  —  no  go. 
Blew  it,  and  tried  again  —  no  go.  Sat  down  then,  and 
winked  at  the  lean  lady,  when  I  had  the  high  satisfaction 
of  finding  him  lift  me  up  by  the  nape  of  the  neck,  and 
fling  me  over  into  the  pit.  Neck  dislocated,  and  right  leg 
capitally  splintered.  Went  home  in  high  glee,  drank  a 
bottle  of  champagne,  and  booked  the  young  man  for  five 
thousand.  Bag  says  it  '11  do. 

''February  15.  —  Compromised  the  case  of  Mr.  Snap. 
Amount   entered  in   Journal  —  fifty  cents  —  which  see. 

''February  16.  —  Cast  by  that  villain.  Gruff,  who  made 
me  a  present  of  five  dollars.  Costs  of  suit,  four  dollars 
and  twenty-five  cents.  Net  profit  —  see  Journal — seventy- 
five  cents." 

Now,  here  is  a  clear  gain,  in  a  very  brief  period,  of 
no  less  than  one  dollar  and  twenty-five  cents  —  this  is 
in  the  mere  cases  of  Snap  and  Gruff;  and  I  solemnly 
assure  the  reader  that  these  extracts  are  taken  at 
random  from  my  Day-Book. 

It 's  an  old  saying  and  a  true  one,  however,  that 
money  is  nothing  in  comparison  with  health.  I  found 
the  exactions  of  the  profession  somewhat  too  much 
165 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

for  my  delicate  state  of  body ;  and  discovering  at  last 
that  I  was  knocked  all  out  of  shape,  so  that  I  didn't 
know  very  well  what  to  make  of  the  matter,  and  so 
that  my  friends,  when  they  met  me  in  the  street, 
could  n't  tell  that  I  was  Peter  Proffit  at  all,  it  occurred 
to  me  that  the  best  expedient  I  could  adopt  was  to 
alter  my  line  of  business.  I  turned  my  attention, 
therefore,  to  Mud-Dabbling,  and  continued  it  for 
some  years. 

The  worst  of  this  occupation  is  that  too  many  people 
take  a  fancy  to  it,  and  the  competition  is  in  conse- 
quence excessive.  Every  ignoramus  of  a  fellow  who 
finds  that  he  has  n't  brains  in  sufficient  quantity  to 
make  his  way  as  a  walking  advertiser,  or  an  eye-sore- 
prig,  or  a  salt  and  batter  man,  thinks,  of  course,  that 
he  '11  answer  very  well  as  a  dabbler  of  mud.  But  there 
never  was  entertained  a  more  erroneous  idea  than  that 
it  requires  no  brains  to  mud-dabble.  Especially,  there 
is  nothing  to  be  made  in  this  way  without  method.  I 
did  only  a  retail  business  myself,  but  my  old  habits  of 
systcDt  carried  me  swimmingly  along.  I  selected  my 
street-crossing,  in  the  first  place,  with  great  delibera- 
tion, and  I  never  put  down  a  broom  in  any  part  of  the 
town  but  that.  I  took  care,  too,  to  have  a  nice  little 
puddle  at  hand,  which  I  could  get  at  in  a  minute.  By 
these  means  I  got  to  be  well  known  as  a  man  to  be 
trusted ;  and  this  is  one-half  the  battle,  let  me  tell  you, 
in  trade.  Nobody  ever  failed  to  pitch  7ne  a  copper, 
and  got  over  my  crossing  with  a  clean  pair  of  panta- 
loons. And,  as  my  business  habits,  in  this  respect, 
were  sufficiently  understood,  I  never  met  with  any 
attempt  at  imposition.  I  would  n't  have  put  up  with 
it,  if  I  had.  Never  imposing  upon  any  one  myself,  I 
suffered  no  one  to  play  the  possum  with  me.  The 
1 66 


THE   BUSINESS    MAN 

frauds  of  the  banks  of  course  I  could  n't  help.  Their 
suspension  put  me  to  ruinous  inconvenience.  These, 
however,  are  not  individuals,  but  corporations;  and 
corporations,  it  is  very  well  known,  have  neither  bodies 
to  be  kicked,  nor  souls  to  be  damned. 

I  was  making  money  at  this  business  when,  in  an 
evil  moment,  I  was  induced  to  merge  in  the  Cur- 
Spattering  —  a  somewhat  analogous,  but  by  no  means 
so  respectable  a  profession.  My  location,  to  be  sure, 
was  an  excellent  one,  being  central,  and  I  had  capital 
blacking  and  brushes.  My  little  dog,  too,  was  quite 
fat,  and  up  to  all  varieties  of  snuff.  He  had  been  in 
the  trade  a  long  time,  and,  I  may  say,  understood  it. 
Our  general  routine  was  this  :  —  Pompey,  having  rolled 
himself  well  in  the  mud,  sat  upon  end  at  the  shop 
door,  until  he  observed  a  dandy  approaching  in  bright 
boots.  He  then  proceeded  to  meet  him,  and  gave  the 
Wellingtons  a  rub  or  two  with  his  wool.  Then  the 
dandy  swore  very  much,  and  looked  about  for  a  boot- 
black. There  I  was,  full  in  his  view,  with  blacking 
and  brushes.  It  was  only  a  minute's  work,  and  then 
came  a  sixpence.  This  did  moderately  well  for  a 
time ;  in  fact,  I  was  not  avaricious,  but  my  dog  was. 
I  allowed  him  a  third  of  the  profit,  but  he  was  advised 
to  insist  upon  half.  This  I  could  n't  stand  —  so  we 
quarrelled  and  parted. 

I  next  tried  my  hand  at  the  Organ-Grinding  for  a 
while,  and  may  say  that  I  made  out  pretty  well.  It  is 
a  plain,  straightforward  business,  and  requires  no 
particular  abilities.  You  can  get  a  music-mill  for  a 
mere  song,  and,  to  put  it  in  order,  you  have  but  to 
open  the  works,  and  give  them  three  or  four  smart 
raps  with  a  hammer.  It  improves  the  tone  of  the 
thing,  for  business  purposes,  more  than  you  can 
167 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

imagine.  This  done,  you  have  only  to  stroll  along 
with  the  mill  on  your  back,  until  you  see  tan-bark  in 
the  street,  and  a  knocker  wrapped  up  in  buckskin. 
Then  you  stop  and  grind ;  looking  as  if  you  meant  to 
stop  and  grind  till  doomsday.  Presently  a  window 
opens,  and  somebody  pitches  you  a  sixpence,  with  a 
request  to  "  Hush  up,  and  go  on,"  etc.  I  am  aware 
that  some  grinders  have  actually  afforded  to  "  go  on  " 
for  this  sum ;  but  for  my  part,  I  found  the  necessary 
outlay  of  capital  too  great  to  permit  of  my  "  going 
on "  under  a  shilling. 

At  this  occupation  I  did  a  good  deal ;  but,  somehow, 
I  was  not  quite  satisfied,  and  so  finally  abandoned  it. 
The  truth  is,  I  labored  under  the  disadvantage  of 
having  no  monkey;  and  American  streets  are  so 
muddy,  and  a  democratic  rabble  is  so  obtrusive,  and 
so  full  of  demnition  mischievous  little  boys. 

I  was  now  out  of  employment  for  some  months,  but 
at  length  succeeded,  by  dint  of  great  interest,  in  pro- 
curing a  situation  in  the  Sham- Post.  The  duties, 
here,  are  simple,  and  not  altogether  unprofitable. 
For  example :  —  very  early  in  the  morning  I  had  to 
make  up  my  packet  of  sham  letters.  Upon  the  inside 
of  each  of  these  I  had  to  scrawl  a  few  lines  —  on  any 
subject  which  occurred  to  me  as  sufficiently  mysterious 
—  signing  all  the  epistles  Tom  Dobson,  or  Bobby 
Tompkins,  or  anything  in  that  way.  Having  folded 
and  sealed  all,  and  stamped  them  with  sham  post- 
marks—  New  Orleans,  Bengal,  Botany  Bay,  or  any 
other  place  a  great  way  off —  I  set  out,  forthwith,  upon 
my  daily  route,  as  if  in  a  very  great  hurry.  I  always 
called  at  the  big  houses,  to  deliver  the  letters  and 
receive  the  postage.  Nobody  hesitates  at  paying  for 
a  letter,  especially  for  a  double  one  —  people  are  such 
1 68 


THE   BUSINESS    MAN 

fools  —  and  it  was  no  trouble  to  get  round  a  corner 
before  there  was  time  to  open  the  epistles.  The  worst 
of  this  profession  was  that  I  had  to  walk  so  much 
and  so  fast;  and  so  frequently  to  vary  my  route. 
Besides,  I  had  serious  scruples  of  conscience.  I  can't 
bear  to  hear  innocent  individuals  abused  —  and  the 
way  the  whole  town  took  to  cursing  Tom  Dobson  and 
Bobby  Tompkins  was  really  awful  to  hear,  I  washed 
my  hands  of  the  matter  in  disgust. 

My  eighth  and  last  speculation  has  been  in  the 
Cat- Crowing  way.  I  have  found  this  a  most  pleasant 
and  lucrative  business,  and,  really,  no  trouble  at  all. 
The  country,  it  is  well  known,  has  become  infested 
with  cats ;  so  much  so  of  late  that  a  petition  for  relief, 
most  numerously  and  respectably  signed,  was  brought 
before  the  legislature  at  its  late  memorable  session. 
The  assembly,  at  this  epoch,  was  unusually  well- 
informed,  and,  having  passed  many  other  wise  and 
wholesome  enactments,  it  crowned  all  with  the  Cat- 
Act.  In  its  original  form,  this  law  offered  a  premium 
for  Q.2X-heads  (fourpence  apiece),  but  the  Senate 
succeeded  in  amending  the  main  clause,  so  as  to 
substitute  the  word  "/^//j"  for  "heads."  This 
amendment  was  so  obviously  proper,  that  the  house 
concurred  in  it  nem.  con. 

As  soon  as  the  Governor  had  signed  the  bill,  I 
invested  my  whole  estate  in  the  purchase  of  Toms 
and  Tabbies.  At  first,  I  could  only  afford  to  feed 
them  upon  mice  (which  are  cheap),  but  they  fulfilled 
the  Scriptural  injunction  at  so  marvellous  a  rate  that 
I  at  length  considered  it  my  best  policy  to  be  liberal, 
and  so  indulged  them  in  oysters  and  turtle.  Their 
tails,  at  a  legislative  price,  now  bring  me  in  a  good 
income;  for  I   have  discovered  a  way  in  which,  bv 

169 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

means  of  Macassar  oil,  I  can  force  three  crops  in  a 
year.  It  delights  me  to  find,  too,  that  the  animals 
soon  get  accustomed  to  the  thing,  and  would  rather 
have  the  appendages  cut  off  than  otherwise.  I 
consider  myself,  therefore,  a  made  man,  and  am 
bargaining  for  a  country  seat  on  the  Hudson. 


170 


THE 

LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM 
BOB,   ESQ. 

LATE   EDITOR  OF  THE   "  GOOSETHERUMFOODLE  " 

BY   HIMSELF 

JL  AM  now  growing  in  years,  and — since  I  under- 
stand that  Shakespeare  and  Mr.  Emmons  are  deceased 
—  it  is  not  impossible  that  I  may  even  die.  It  has 
occurred  to  me,  therefore,  that  I  may  as  well  retire 
from  the  field  of  letters  and  repose  upon  my  laurels. 
But  I  am  ambitious  of  signalizing  my  abdication  of 
the  literary  sceptre  by  some  important  bequest  to  pos- 
terity ;  and  perhaps  I  cannot  do  a  better  thing  than 
just  to  pen  for  it  an  account  of  my  earlier  career. 
My  name,  indeed,  has  been  so  long  and  so  constantly 
before  the  public  eye  that  I  am  not  only  willing  to 
admit  the  naturalness  of  the  interest  which  it  has 
everywhere  excited,  but  ready  to  satisfy  the  extreme 
curiosity  which  it  has  inspired.  In  fact,  it  is  no  more 
than  the  duty  of  him  who  achieves  greatness  to  leave 
behind  him,  in  his  ascent,  such  landmarks  as  may 
guide  others  to  be  great.  I  propose,  therefore,  in  the 
present  paper  (which  I  had  some  idea  of  calling 
"  Memoranda  to  serve  for  the  Literary  History  of 
America "),  to  give  a  detail  of  those  important,  yet 
feeble  and  tottering  first  steps,  by  which,  at  length,  I 
attained  the  high-road  to  the  pinnacle  of  human 
renown. 

171 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

Of  one's  very  remote  ancestors  it  is  superfluous  to 
say  much.  My  father,  Thomas  Bob,  Esq.,  stood  for 
many  years  at  the  summit  of  his  profession,  which 
was  that  of  a  merchant-barber,  in  the  city  of  Smug. 
His  warehouse  was  the  resort  of  all  the  principal 
people  of  the  place,  and  especially  of  the  editorial 
corps  —  a  body  which  inspires  all  about  it  with  pro- 
found veneration  and  awe.  For  my  own  part,  I  re- 
garded them  as  gods,  and  drank  in  with  avidity  the 
rich  wit  and  wisdom  which  continuously  flowed  from 
their  august  mouths  during  the  process  of  what  is 
styled  "  lather."  My  first  moment  of  positive  inspi- 
ration must  be  dated  from  that  ever-memorable  epoch, 
when  the  brilliant  conductor  of  the  "  Gad-Fiy,"  in  the 
intervals  of  the  important  process  just  mentioned, 
recited  aloud,  before  a  conclave  of  our  apprentices,  an 
inimitable  poem  in  honor  of  the  "  Only  Genuine  Oil- 
of-Bob "  (so  called  from  its  talented  inventor,  my 
father),  and  for  which  effusion  the  editor  of  the  "  Fly  " 
was  remunerated  with  a  regal  liberality,  by  the  firm  of 
Thomas  Bob  and  Company,  merchant-barbers. 

The  genius  of  the  stanzas  to  the  "Oil-of-Bob"  first 
breathed  into  me,  I  say,  the  divine  afflatus.  I  resolved 
at  once  to  become  a  great  man  and  to  commence  by 
becoming  a  great  poet.  That  very  evening  I  fell 
upon  my  knees  at  the  feet  of  my  father. 

"Father,"!  said,  "pardon  me !  but  I  have  a  soul 
above  lather.  It  is  my  firm  intention  to  cut  the  shop. 
I  would  be  an  editor  —  I  would  be  a  poet — I  would 
pen  stanzas  to  the  *  Oil-of-Bob.'  Pardon  me  and  aid 
me  to  be  great !  " 

"My  dear  Thingum,"  replied  my  father  (I  had 
been  christened  Thingum  after  a  wealthy  relative  so 
surnamed),  "my  dear  Thingum,"  he  said,  raising  me 
172 


THE    LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM    BOB,    ESQ. 

from  my  knees  by  the  ears  —  "  Thingum,  my  boy, 
you're  a  trump,  and  take  after  your  father  in  having  a 
soul.  You  have  an  immense  head,  too,  and  it  must 
hold  a  great  many  brains.  This  I  have  long  seen, 
and  therefore  had  thoughts  of  making  you  a  lawyer. 
The  business,  however,  has  grown  ungenteel,  and  that 
of  a  politician  don't  pay.  Upon  the  whole,  you  judge 
wisely ;  the  trade  of  editor  is  best ;  and  if  you  can  be 
a  poet  at  the  same  time,  —  as  most  of  the  editors  are, 
by  the  bye,  —  why,  you  will  kill  two  birds  with  one 
stone.  To  encourage  you  in  the  beginning  of  things,  I 
will  allow  you  a  garret ;  pen,  ink,  and  paper ;  a  rhym- 
ing dictionary ;  and  a  copy  of  the  'Gad-Fly.'  I  sup- 
pose you  would  scarcely  demand  any  more." 

"  I  would  be  an  ungrateful  villain  if  I  did,"  I  replied 
with  enthusiasm.  "  Your  generosity  is  boundless.  T 
will  repay  it  by  making  you  the  father  of  a  genius." 

Thus  ended  my  conference  with  the  best  of  men, 
and  immediately  upon  its  termination  I  betook  myself 
with  zeal  to  my  poetical  labors;  as  upon  these,  chiefly, 
I  founded  my  hopes  of  ultimate  elevation  to  the 
editorial  chair. 

In  my  first  attempts  at  composition  I  found  the  stan- 
zas to  the  "  Oil-of-Bob  "  rather  a  drawback  than  other- 
wise. Their  splendor  more  dazzled  than  enlightened 
me.  The  contemplation  of  their  excellence  tended, 
naturally,  to  discourage  me  by  comparison  with  my 
own  abortions ;  so  that  for  a  long  time  I  labored  in 
vain.  At  length  there  came  into  my  head  one  of 
those  exquisitely  original  ideas  which  now  and  then 
will  permeate  the  brain  of  a  man  of  genius.  It  was 
this :  —  or,  rather,  thus  was  it  carried  into  execution. 
From  the  rubbish  of  an  old  book-stall,  in  a  very 
remote  corner  of  the  town,  I  got  together  several 
173 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

antique  and  altogether  unknown  or  forgotten  volumes. 
The  bookseller  sold  them  to  me  for  a  song.  From 
one  of  these,  which  purported  to  be  a  translation  of 
one  Dante's  Inferno^  I  copied  with  remarkable  neat- 
ness a  long  passage  about  a  man  named  Ugolino,  who 
had  a  parcel  of  brats.  From  another,  which  con- 
tained a  good  many  old  plays  by  some  person  whose 
name  I  forget,  I  extracted  in  the  same  manner,  and 
with  the  same  care,  a  great  number  of  lines  about 
"  angels  "  and  "  ministers  saying  grace,"  and  "  goblins 
damned,"  and  more  besides  of  that  sort.  From  a 
third,  which  was  the  composition  of  some  blind  man 
or  other,  either  a  Greek  or  a  Choctaw  —  I  cannot  be 
at  the  pains  of  remembering  every  trifle  exactly — I 
took  about  fifty  verses  beginning  with  "  Achilles' 
wrath,"  and  "grease,"  and  something  else.  From  a 
fourth,  which  I  recollect  was  also  the  work  of  a  blind 
man,  I  selected  a  page  or  two  all  about  "hail"  and 
"holy  light;"  and,  although  a  blind  man  has  no 
business  to  write  about  light,  still  the  verses  were 
sufficiently  good  in  their  way. 

Having  made  fair  copies  of  these  poems,  I  signed 
every  one  of  them  "  Oppodeldoc "  (a  fine  sonorous 
name),  and,  doing  each  up  nicely  in  a  separate  envel- 
ope, I  despatched  one  to  each  of  the  four  principal 
magazines,  with  a  request  for  speedy  insertion  and 
prompt  pay.  The  result  of  this  well-conceived  plan, 
however  (the  success  of  which  would  have  saved  me 
much  trouble  in  after  life),  served  to  convince  me 
that  some  editors  are  not  to  be  bamboozled,  and  gave 
the  coiip-de-grdce  (as  they  say  in  France)  to  my  nascent 
hopes  (as  they  say  in  the  city  of  the  transcendentals). 

The  fact  is  that  each  and  every  one  of  the  maga- 
zines in  question  gave  Mr.  "  Oppodeldoc  "  a  complete 
174 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

using  up,  in  the  "  Monthly  Notices  to  Correspondents." 
The  "  Hum-Drum "  gave  him  a  dressing  after  this 
fashion :  — 

"  '  Oppodeldoc '  (whoever  he  is)  has  sent  us  a  long  tirade 
concerning  a  bedlamite  whom  he  styles  *  Ugolino,'  who 
had  a  great  many  children  that  should  have  been  all 
whipped  and  sent  to  bed  without  their  suppers.  The 
whole  affair  is  exceedingly  tame  —  not  to  sayy?c7/.  '  Oppo- 
deldoc '  (whoever  he  is)  is  entirely  devoid  of  imagination 
—  and  imagination,  in  our  humble  opinion,  is  not  only  the 
soul  of  Poesy,  but  also  its  very  heart.  'Oppodeldoc' 
(whoever  he  is)  has  the  audacity  to  demand  of  us,  for  his 
twattle,  a  '  speedy  insertion  and  prompt  pay.'  We  neither 
insert  nor  purchase  any  stuff  of  the  sort.  There  can  be 
no  doubt,  however,  that  he  would  meet  with  a  ready  sale 
for  all  the  balderdash  he  can  scribble,  at  the  office  of  either 
the  *  Rowdy-Dow,'  the  '  Lollipop,'  or  the  '  Goosetherum- 
foodle.' " 

All  this,  it  must  be  acknowledged,  was  very  severe 
upon  "  Oppodeldoc  "  —  but  the  unkindest  cut  was  put- 
ting the  word  Poesy  in  small  caps.  In  those  five 
preeminent  letters  what  a  world  of  bitterness  is  there 
not  involved ! 

But  "  Oppodeldoc  "  was  punished  v/ith  equal  severity 
in  the  "  Rowdy-Dow,"  which  spoke  thus  :  — 

"  We  have  received  a  most  singular  and  insolent  com- 
munication from  a  person  (whoever  he  is)  signing  himself 
*  Oppodeldoc ' — thus  desecrating  the  greatness  of  the  illus- 
trious Roman  Emperor  so  named.  Accompanying  the 
letter  of  '  Oppodeldoc  '  (whoever  he  is)  we  find  sundry  lines 
of  most  disgusting  and  unmeaning  rant  about  '  angels  and 
ministers  of  grace' —  rant  such  as  no  madman  short  of  a 
Nat  Lee,  or  an  '  Oppodeldoc,'  could  possibly  perpetrate. 
And  for  this  trash  of  trash,  we  are  modestly  requested  to 

175 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

'pay  promptly'  No  sir  —  no!  We  pay  for  nothing  of 
that  sort.  Apply  to  the  '  Hum-Drum,'  the  '  Lollipop,'  or 
the  *  Goosetherumfoodle.'  These  periodicals  will  undoubt- 
edly accept  any  literary  offal  you  may  send  them,  and  as 
undoubtedly /rf/w/j-^  to  pay  for  it." 

This  was  bitter  indeed  upon  poor  "  Oppodeldoc ;  " 
but,  in  this  instance,  the  weight  of  the  satire  falls 
upon  the  "  Hum-Drum,"  the  "  Lollipop,"  and  the 
"  Goosetherumfoodle,"  who  are  pungently  styled  '■'■peri- 
odicals''''—  in  Italics,  too  —  a  thing  that  must  have 
cut  them  to  the  heart. 

Scarcely  less  savage  was  the  "  Lollipop,"  which 
thus  discoursed  :  — 

*'  Some  iitdividital,  who  rejoices  in  the  appellation 
*  Oppodeldoc '  (to  what  low  uses  are  the  names  of  the 
illustrious  dead  too  often  applied  ! ),  has  enclosed  us  some 
fifty  or  sixty  verses  commencing  after  this  fashion  :  — 

"  *  Achilles'  wrath,  to  Greece  the  direful  spring 
Of  woes  unnumbered,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  etc' 

"  *  Oppodeldoc  '  (whoever  he  is)  is  respectfully  informed 
that  there  is  not  a  printer's  devil  in  our  office  who  is  not 
in  the  daily  habit  of  composing  better  lines.  Those  of 
'  Oppodeldoc  '  will  not  scan.  '  Oppodeldoc  '  should  learn 
to  count.  But  why  he  should  have  conceived  the  idea 
that  we  (of  all  others,  wc  I )  would  disgrace  our  pages  with 
his  ineffable  nonsense  is  utterly  beyond  comprehension. 
Why,  the  absurd  twattle  is  scarcely  good  enough  for  the 
'  Hum-Drum,'  the  '  Rowdy-Dow,'  the  '  Goosetherum- 
foodle '  —  things  that  are  in  the  practice  of  publishing 
'  Mother  Goose's  Melodies '  as  original  lyrics.  And 
'  Oppodeldoc'  (whoever  he  is)  has  even  the  assurance  to 
demand /ay  for  this  drivel.  Does  'Oppodeldoc'  (who- 
ever he  is)  know — is  he  aware  that  we  could  not  be  paid 
to  insert  it.?" 

176 


THE    LITERARY    LIFE    OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

As  I  perused  this  I  felt  myself  growing  gradually 
smaller  and  smaller,  and  when  I  came  to  the  point 
at  which  the  editor  sneered  at  the  poem  as  '■'■verses^' 
there  was  little  more  than  an  ounce  of  me  left.  As 
for  "  Oppodeldoc,"  I  began  to  experience  compassion 
for  the  poor  fellow.  But  the  "  Goosetherumfoodle  " 
showed,  if  possible,  less  mercy  than  the  "Lollipop." 
It  was  the  "Goosetherumfoodle"  that  said:  — 

"  A  wretched  poetaster,  who  signs  himself  '  Oppodeldoc,' 
is  silly  enough  to  fancy  that  we  will  print  and  pay  for  a 
medley  of  incoherent  and  ungrammatical  bombast  which 
he  has  transmitted  to  us,  and  which  commences  with  the 
following  most  mielligible  line  :  — 

"  '  Hail,  Holy  Light !     Offspring  of  Heaven,  first  born.' 

"We  say,  'most  intelligible.'  'Oppodeldoc*  (whoever 
he  is)  will  be  kind  enough  to  tell  us,  perhaps,  how  ^  hail' 
can  be  '  holy  light.''  We  always  regarded  it  z.^  frozen  rain. 
Will  he  inform  us,  also,  how  frozen  rain  can  be,  at  one 
and  the  same  time,  both  '  holy  light '  (whatever  that  is)  and 
an  '  offspring '  ?  —  which  latter  term  (if  we  understand  any- 
thing about  English)  is  only  employed,  with  propriety,  in 
reference  to  small  babies  of  about  six  weeks  old.  But  it 
is  preposterous  to  descant  upon  such  absurdity  —  although 
'  Oppodeldoc  '  (whoever  he  is)  has  the  unparalleled  effront- 
ery to  suppose  that  we  will  not  only  '  insert '  his  ignorant 
ravings,  but  (absolutely)  pay  for  them  I 

"  Now  this  is  fine  —  it  is  rich  !  —  and  we  have  half  a 
mind  to  punish  this  young  scribbler  for  his  egotism,  by 
really  publishing  his  effusion,  verbatim  et  literatim,  as  he 
has  written  it.  We  could  inflict  no  punishment  so  severe ; 
and  we  would  inflict  it,  but  for  the  boredom  which  we 
should  cause  our  readers  in  so  doing. 

"Let  'Oppodeldoc'  (whoever  he  is)  send  any  future 
composition  of  like  character  to  the  '  Hum-Drum,'  the 
'  Lollipop,'  or  the  '  Rowdy-Dow.'  They  will  '  insert '  it. 
VOL.  IV.  —  12  177 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

They  '  insert '  every  month  just  such  stuff.    Send  it  to  them. 
WE  are  not  to  be  insulted  with  impunity." 

This  made  an  end  of  me ;  and  as  for  the  "  Hum- 
Drum,"  the  "Rowdy-Dow,"  and  the  "  Lolh'pop,"  I 
never  could  comprehend  how  they  survived  it.  The 
putting  them  in  the  smallest  possible  miiiioti  (that  was 
the  rub — thereby  insinuating  their  lowness  —  their 
baseness)  while  WE  stood  looking  down  upon  them 
in  gigantic  capitals  !  —  oh,  it  was  too  bitter  !  —  it  was 
wormwood  —  it  was  gall.  Had  I  been  either  of  these 
periodicals  I  would  have  spared  no  pains  to  have  the 
"  Goosetherumfoodle  "  prosecuted.  It  might  have 
been  done  under  the  Act  for  the  "  Prevention  of 
Cruelty  to  Animals."  As  for  "  Oppodeldoc  "  (who- 
ever he  was),  I  had  by  this  time  lost  all  patience  with 
the  fellow,  and  sympathized  with  him  no  longer.  He 
was  a  fool,  beyond  doubt  (whoever  he  was),  and  got 
not  a  kick  more  than  he  deserved. 

The  result  of  my  experiment  with  the  old  books 
convinced  me,  in  the  first  place,  that  "  honesty  is  the 
best  policy,"  and,  in  the  second,  that  if  I  could  not 
write  better  than  Mr.  Dante,  and  the  two  blind  men, 
and  the  rest  of  the  old  set,  it  would  at  least  be  a 
difficult  matter  to  write  worse.  I  took  heart,  there- 
fore, and  determined  to  prosecute  the  "entirely  origi- 
nal" (as  they  say  on  the  covers  of  the  magazines)  at 
whatever  cost  of  study  and  pains.  I  again  placed 
before  my  eyes,  as  a  model,  the  brilliant  stanzas  on 
the  "  Oil-of-Bob "  by  the  editor  of  the  "  Gad-Fly," 
and  resolved  to  construct  an  Ode  on  the  same  sub- 
lime theme,  in  rivalry  of  what  had  already  been  done. 

With  my  first  verse   I    had  no  material  difficulty. 

It  ran  thus  :  — 

"  To  pen  an  Ode  upon  the  '  Oil-of-Bob.  '  " 
178 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

Having  carefully  looked  out,  however,  all  the  legiti- 
mate rhymes  to  "  Bob,"  I  found  it  impossible  to  pro- 
ceed. In  this  dilemma  I  had  recourse  to  paternal  aid; 
and,  after  some  hours  of  mature  thought,  my  father 
and  myself  thus  constructed  the  poem :  — 

"  To  pen  an  Ode  upon  the  '  Oil-of-Bob' 
Is  all  sorts  of  a  job. 

"(Signed)  Snob." 

To  be  sure,  this  composition  was  of  no  very  great 
length ;  but  I  "have  yet  to  learn,"  as  they  say  in  the 
"  Edinburgh  Review,"  that  the  mere  extent  of  a  liter- 
ary work  has  anything  to  do  with  its  merit.  As  for 
the  "  Quarterly"  cant  about  "sustained  effort,"  it  is 
impossible  to  see  the  sense  of  it.  Upon  the  whole, 
therefore,  I  was  satisfied  with  the  success  of  my 
maiden  attempt,  and  now  the  only  question  regarded 
the  disposal  I  should  make  of  it.  My  father  sug- 
gested that  I  should  send  it  to  the  "  Gad-Fly,"  —  but 
there  were  two  reasons  which  operated  to  prevent  me 
from  so  doing.  I  dreaded  the  jealousy  of  the  editor, 
and  I  had  ascertained  that  he  did  not  pay  for  original 
contributions.  I,  therefore,  after  due  dehberation, 
consigned  the  article  to  the  more  dignified  pages  of 
the  "  LoHipop,"  and  awaited  the  event  in  anxiety,  but 
with  resignation. 

In  the  very  next  published  number  I  had  the 
proud  satisfaction  of  seeing  my  poem  printed  at 
length,  as  the  leading  article,  with  the  following 
significant  words  prefixed  in  Italics  and  between 
brackets  :  — 

"  [  We  call  the  attention  of  our  readers  to  the  subjoined 
admirable  stanzas  on  the  '  Oil-of-Bob.''     We  need  say  nothing 
of  their  sublimity ^  or  of  their  pathos;  it  is  impossible  to  pericse 
179 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

them  withojtt  tears.  Those  who  have  been  tiatiseated  with  a 
sad  dose  on  the  same  atigiist  topic  from  the  goose-quill  of  the 
editor  of  the  '  Gad- Fly,'  will  do  well  to  compare  the  two 
compositions. 

"  P.  S.  We  are  consumed  with  anxiety  to  probe  the  mys- 
tery which  envelops  the  evident  pseudonym  '  Snob.'  May  we 
hope  for  a  personal  interview  ?  ]  " 

All  this  was  scarcely  more  than  justice,  but  it  was, 
I  confess,  rather  more  than  I  had  expected :  I 
acknowledge  this,  be  it  observ^ed,  to  the  everlasting 
disgrace  of  my  country  and  of  mankind.  I  lost  no 
time,  however,  in  calling  upon  the  editor  of  the 
"  Lollipop,"  and  had  the  good  fortune  to  find  this 
gentleman  at  home.  He  saluted  me  with  an  air  of 
profound  respect,  slightly  blended  with  a  fatherly  and 
patronizing  admiration,  wTought  in  him,  no  doubt,  by 
my  appearance  of  extreme  youth  and  inexperience. 
Begging  me  to  be  seated,  he  entered  at  once  upon  the 
subject  of  my  poem  ;  but  modesty  will  ever  forbid  me 
to  repeat  the  thousand  compliments  which  he  lavished 
upon  me.  The  eulogies  of  Mr.  Crab  (such  was  the 
editor's  name)  were,  however,  by  no  means  fulsomely 
indiscriminate.  He  analyzed  my  composition  with 
much  freedom  and  great  ability;  not  hesitating  to 
point  out  a  few  trivial  defects  —  a  circumstance  which 
elevated  him  highly  in  my  esteem.  The  "  Gad-Fly" 
was,  of  course,  brought  upon  the  tapis,  and  I  hope 
never  to  be  subjected  to  a  criticism  so  searching,  or 
to  rebukes  so  withering,  as  were  bestowed  by  Mr. 
Crab  upon  that  unhappy  effusion.  I  had  been 
accustomed  to  regard  the  editor  of  the  "Gad-Fly" 
as  something  superhuman ;  but  Mr.  Crab  soon  dis- 
abused me  of  that  idea.     He  set  the  literary  as  well 

as  the  personal  character  of  the  "  Fly  "  (so  Mr.  C 

i8o 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF    THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

satirically  designated  the  rival  editor)  in  its  true 
light.  He,  the  "Fly,"  was  very  little  better  than  he 
should  be.  He  had  written  infamous  things.  He 
was  a  penny-a-liner,  and  a  buffoon.  He  was  a  villain. 
He  had  composed  a  tragedy  which  set  the  whole 
country  in  a  guffaw,  and  a  farce  which  deluged  the 
universe  in  tears.  Besides  all  this,  he  had  the  im- 
pudence to  pen  what  he  meant  for  a  lampoon  upon 
himself  (Mr.  Crab),  and  the  temerity  to  style  him 
"  an  ass."  Should  I  at  any  time  wish  to  express  my 
opinion  of  Mr.  "  Fly,"  the  pages  of  the  "  Lollipop,"  Mr. 
Crab  assured  me,  were  at  my  unlimited  disposal.  In 
the  mean  time,  as  it  was  very  certain  that  I  would  be 
attacked  in  the  "  Fly"  for  my  attempt  at  composing  a 
rival  poem  on  the  "  Oil-of-Bob,"  he  (Mr.  Crab)  would 
take  it  upon  himself  to  attend,  pointedly,  to  my 
private  and  personal  interests.  If  I  were  not  made 
a  man  of  at  once,  it  should  not  be  the  fault  of  him- 
self (Mr.  Crab). 

Mr.  Crab  having  now  paused  in  his  discourse  (the 
latter  portion  of  which  I  found  it  impossible  to  com- 
prehend), I  ventured  to  suggest  something  about  the 
remuneration  which  I  had  been  taught  to  expect  for 
my  poem,  by  an  announcement  on  the  cover  of  the 
"LoUipop,"  declaring  that  it  (the  "Lollipop")  "in- 
sisted upon  being  permitted  to  pay  exorbitant  prices 
for  all  accepted  contributions  ;  frequently  expending 
more  money  for  a  single  brief  poem  than  the  whole 
annual  cost  of  the  '  Hum-Drum,'  the  '  Rowdy-Dow,' 
and  the  '  Goosetherumfoodle  '  combined." 

As  I  mentioned  the  word  "  remuneration,"  Mr. 
Crab  first  opened  his  eyes,  and  then  his  mouth,  to 
quite  a  remarkable  extent;  causing  his  personal  ap- 
pearance to  resemble  that  of  a  highly-agitated  elderly 
i8i 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

duck  in  the  act  of  quacking;  and  in  this  condition  he 
remained  (ever  and  anon  pressing  his  hands  tightly 
to  his  forehead,  as  if  in  a  state  of  desperate  bewilder- 
ment) until  I  had  nearly  made  an  end  of  what  I  had 
to  say. 

Upon  my  conclusion,  he  sank  back  into  his  seat  as 
if  much  overcome,  letting  his  arms  fall  lifelessly  by 
his  side,  but  keeping  his  mouth  still  rigorously  open, 
after  the  fashion  of  the  duck.  While  I  remained  in 
speechless  astonishment  at  behavior  so  alarming,  he 
suddenly  leaped  to  his  feet  and  made  a  rush  at  the 
bell-rope ;  but,  just  as  he  reached  this,  he  appeared  to 
have  altered  his  intention,  whatever  it  was,  for  he 
dived  under  a  table  and  immediately  re-appeared  with 
a  cudgel.  This  he  was  in  the  act  of  uplifting  (for 
what  purpose  I  am  at  a  loss  to  imagine)  when,  all  at 
once,  there  came  a  benign  smile  over  his  features, 
and  he  sank  placidly  back  in  his  chair. 

"  Mr.  Bob,"  he  said  (for  I  had  sent  up  my  card 
before  ascending  myself  ),  ''  Mr.  Bob,  you  are  a  young 
man,  I  presume  —  vejy  ?  " 

I  assented ;  adding  that  I  had  not  yet  concluded 
my  third  lustrum. 

"  Ah  !  "  he  replied,  "  very  good  !  I  see  how  it  is  — 
say  no  more  !  Touching  this  matter  of  compensation, 
what  you  observe  is  very  just ;  in  fact  it  is  excessively 
so.  But  ah  —  ah  —  the  first  contribution  —  the  first, 
I  say  —  it  is  never  the  magazine  custom  to  pay  for  — 
you  comprehend,  eh  t  The  truth  is,  we  are  usually 
the  recipients  in  such  cases."  (Mr.  Crab  smiled 
blandly  as  he  emphasized  the  word  "  recipients.") 
"  For  the  most  part,  we  are  paid  for  the  insertion  of 
a  maiden  attempt  —  especially  in  verse.  In  the  sec- 
ond place,  Mr.  Bob,  the  magazine  rule  is  never  to 
182 


THE   LITERARY    LIFE   OF   THINGUM    BOB,   ESQ. 

disburse  what  we  term  in  France  the  argent  comptant: 
—  I  have  no  doubt  you  understand.  In  a  quarter  or 
two  after  publication  of  the  article  —  or  in  a  year  or 
two  —  we  make  no  objection  to  giving  our  note  at 
nine  months ;  provided  always  that  we  can  so  arrange 
our  affairs  as  to  be  quite  certain  of  a  '  burst  up '  in 
six.  I  really  do  hope,  Mr.  Bob,  that  you  will  look 
upon  this  explanation  as  satisfactory."  Here  Mr. 
Crab  concluded,  and  the  tears  stood  in  his  eyes. 

Grieved  to  the  soul  at  having  been,  however  inno- 
cently, the  cause  of  pain  to  so  eminent  and  so  sensi- 
tive a  man,  I  hastened  to  apologize,  and  to  reassure 
him,  by  expressing  my  perfect  coincidence  with  his 
views  as  well  as  my  entire  appreciation  of  the  delicacy 
of  his  position.  Having  done  all  this  in  a  neat 
speech,  I  took  leave. 

One  fine  morning,  very  shortly  afterwards,  "  I 
awoke  and  found  myself  famous."  The  extent  of  my 
renown  will  be  best  estimated  by  reference  to  the 
editorial  opinions  of  the  day.  These  opinions,  it  will 
be  seen,  were  embodied  in  critical  notices  of  the 
number  of  the  "  Lollipop  "  containing  my  poem,  and 
are  perfectly  satisfactory,  conclusive,  and  clear,  with 
the  exception,  perhaps,  of  the  hieroglyphical  marks, 
"■Sept.  15  —  I/."  appended  to  each  of  the  critiques. 

The  "  Owl,"  a  journal  of  profound  sagacity,  and 
well  known  for  the  deliberate  gravity  of  its  literary 
decisions  —  the  "  Owl,"  I  say,  spoke  as  follows  : 

" '  The  Lollipop  ! '  The  October  number  of  this  deli- 
cious magazine  surpasses  its  predecessors,  and  sets  com- 
petition at  defiance.  In  the  beauty  of  its  typography  and 
paper,  in  the  number  and  excellence  of  its  steel  plates, 
as  well  as  in  the  literary  merit  of  its  contributions,  the 
'  Lollipop '  compares  with  its  slow-paced  rivals  as  Hyperion 
183 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND    CAPRICE 

with  a  Satyr.  The  '  Hum-Drum,'  the  '  Rowdy-Dow,'  and 
the  *  Goosetherumfoodle,'  excel,  it  is  true,  in  braggadocio, 
but,  in  all  other  points,  give  us  the  *  Lollipop  '  I  How  this 
celebrated  journal  can  sustain  its  evidently  tremendous 
expenses  is  more  than  we  can  understand.  To  be  sure,  it 
has  a  circulation  of  one  hundred  thousand,  and  its  sub- 
scription-list has  increased  one-fourth  during  the  last 
month ;  but,  on  the  other  hand,  the  sums  it  disburses  con- 
stantly for  contributions  are  inconceivable.  It  is  reported 
that  Mr.  Slyass  received  no  less  than  thirty-seven  and  a 
half  cents  for  his  inimitable  paper  on  'pigs.'  With  Mr. 
Crab  as  editor,  and  with  such  names  upon  the  list  of 
contributors  as  Snob  and  Slyass,  there  can  be  no  such 
word  as  '  fail '  for  the  '  Lollipop.'  Go  and  subscribe. 
Sept.  15—  I  A" 

I  must  say  that  I  was  gratified  with  this  high-toned 
notice  from  a  paper  so  respectable  as  the  "  Owl." 
The  placing  my  name  —  that  is  to  say,  my  nom  de 
guerre  —  in  priority  of  station  to  that  of  the  great 
Slyass  was  a  compliment  as  happy  as  I  felt  it  to  be 
deserved. 

My  attention  was  next  arrested  by  these  paragraphs 
in  the  "  Toad  "  —  a  print  highly  distinguished  for  its 
uprightness  and  independence,  for  its  entire  freedom 
from  sycophancy  and  subservience  to  the  givers  of 
dinners :  — 

"  The  '  Lollipop  '  for  October  is  out  in  advance  of  all  its 
contemporaries,  and  infinitely  surpasses  them,  of  course, 
in  the  splendor  of  its  embellishments  as  w^ell  as  in  the 
richness  of  its  literary  contents.  The  *  Hum-Drum,'  the 
'  Rowdy-Dow,'  and  the  '  Goosetherumfoodle '  excel,  we 
admit,  in  braggadocio,  but,  in  all  other  points,  give  us  the 
'  Lollipop.'  How  this  celebrated  magazine  can  sustain  its 
evidently  tremendous  expenses,  is  more  than  we  can  un- 
derstand. To  be  sure,  it  has  a  circulation  of  two  hundred 
184 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

thousand,  and  its  subscription  list  has  increased  one-third 
during  the  last  fortnight,  but,  on  the  other  hand,  the  sums 
it  disburses  monthly,  for  contributions,  are  fearfully  great. 
We  learn  that  Mr.  Mumblethumb  received  no  less  than 
fifty  cents  for  his   late   '  Monody  in  a  Mud-Puddle.' 

"  Among  the  original  contributors  to  the  present  num- 
ber we  notice  (besides  the  eminent  editor,  Mr.  Crab)  such 
men  as  Snob,  Slyass,  and  Mumblethumb.  Apart  from  the 
editorial  matter,  the  most  valuable  paper,  nevertheless,  is, 
we  think,  a  poetical  gem  by  '  Snob,'  on  the  '  Oil-of-Bob  '  — 
but  our  readers  must  not  suppose  from  the  title  of  this 
incomparable  bijoic,  that  it  bears  any  similitude  to  some 
balderdash  on  the  same  subject  by  a  certain  contemptible 
individual  whose  name  is  unmentionable  to  ears  polite. 
The  prese7it  poem,  *  On  the  Oil-of-Bob,'  has  excited  univer- 
sal anxiety  and  curiosity  in  respect  to  the  owner  of  the 
evident  pseudonym,  '  Snob  '  —  a  curiosity  which,  happily, 
we  have  it  in  our  power  to  satisfy.  *  Snob  '  is  the  nom  de 
plume  of  Mr.  Thingum  Bob,  of  this  city,  —  a  relative  of 
the  great  Mr.  Thingum  (after  whom  he  is  named),  and 
otherwise  connected  with  the  most  illustrious  families  of 
the  State.  His  father,  Thomas  Bob,  Esq.,  is  an  opulent 
merchant  in  Smug.     Sept.  15  —  i/." 

This  generous  approbation  touched  me  to  the 
heart,  the  more  especially  as  it  emanated  from  a 
source  so  avowedly,  so  proverbially,  pure,  as  the 
"Toad."  The  word  "balderdash,"  as  applied  to  the 
"  Oil-of-Bob  "  of  the  "  Fly,"  I  considered  singularly 
pungent  and  appropriate.  The  words  "  gem  "  and 
"  bijou^^''  however,  used  in  reference  to  my  composi- 
tion, struck  me  as  being  in  some  degree  feeble.  They 
seemed  to  me  to  be  deficient  in  force.  They  were  not 
SM^Q\^xi\\.y  prononces  (as  we  have  it  in  France). 

I  had  hardly  finished  reading  the  "  Toad  "  when  a 
friend  placed  in  my  hands  a  copy  of  the  "  Mole,"  a 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

daily,  enjoying  high  reputation  for  the  keenness  of 
its  perception  about  matters  in  general,  and  for  the 
open,  honest,  above-ground  style  of  its  editorials. 
The  "Mole  "  spoke  of  the  "Lollipop"  as  follows: 

"  We  have  just  received  the  '  Lollipop  '  for  October,  and 
must  say  that  never  before  have  we  perused  any  single 
number  of  any  periodical  which  afforded  us  a  felicity  so 
supreme.  We  speak  advisedly.  The  '  Hum-Drum,'  the 
'  Rowdy-Dow  '  and  the  '  Goosetherumfoodle  '  must  look 
well  to  their  laurels.  These  prints,  no  doubt,  surpass  every- 
thing in  loudness  of  pretension,  but  in  all  other  points 
give  us  the  '  Lollipop  ' !  How  this  celebrated  magazine 
can  sustain  its  evidently  tremendous  expenses  is  more  than 
we  can  comprehend.  To  be  sure,  it  has  a  circulation  of 
three  hundred  thousand,  and  its  subscription-list  has  in- 
creased one-half  within  the  last  week ;  but  then  the  sum  it 
disburses  monthly,  for  contributions,  is  astoundingly  enor- 
mous. We  have  it  upon  good  authority  that  Mr.  Fat- 
quack  received  no  less  than  sixty-two  cents  and  a  half  for 
his  late  Domestic  Nouvelette,  the  'Dish-Clout.' 

"The  contributors  to  the  number  before  us  are  Mr. 
Crab  (the  eminent  editor).  Snob,  Mumblethumb,  Fat- 
quack,  and  others ;  but,  after  the  inimitable  compositions 
of  the  editor  himself,  we  prefer  a  diamond-like  effusion 
from  the  pen  of  a  rising  poet  who  writes  over  the  signa- 
ture '  Snob  '  —  a  no77i  de  guerre  which  we  predict  will  one 
day  extinguish  the  radiance  of  *Boz.'  'Snob,'  we  learn, 
is  a  Mr.  Thingum  Bob,  Esq.,  sole  heir  of  a  wealthy  mer- 
chant of  this  city,  Thomas  Bob,  Esq.,  and  a  near  relative 

of  the  distinguished  Mr.  Thingum.    The  tide  of  Mr.  B 's 

admirable  poem  is  the  '  Oil-of-Bob  '  —  a  somewhat  unfor- 
tunate name,  by  the  bye,  as  some  contemptible  vagabond 
connected  with  the  penny  press  has  already  disgusted  the 
town  with  a  great  deal  of  drivel  upon  the  same  topic. 
There  will  be  no  danger,  however,  of  confounding  the 
compositions.  Sept.  15 — i/." 
186 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

The  generous  approbation  of  so  clear-sighted  a 
journal  as  the  '•  Mole  "  penetrated  my  soul  with  de- 
light. The  only  objection  which  occurred  to  me  was, 
that  the  terms  "contemptible  vagabond"  might  have 
been  better  written  "  odious  and  contemptible,  wretch^ 
villain^  and  vagabond."  This  would  have  sounded 
more  gracefully,  I  think.  "  Diamond-Hke,"  also,  was 
scarcely,  it  will  be  admitted,  of  sufficient  intensity  to 
express  what  the  "  Mole  "  evidently  tliought  of  the 
brilliancy  of  the  "  Oil-of-Bob." 

On  the  same  afternoon  in  which  I  saw  these  notices 
in  the  "  Owl,"  the  "  Toad,"  and  the  "  Mole,"  I  hap- 
pened to  meet  with  a  copy  of  the  "  Daddy-Long- Legs," 
a  periodical  proverbial  for  the  extreme  extent  of  its 
understanding.  And  it  was  the  "  Daddy- Long- Legs  " 
which  spoke  thus :  — 

"  The  '  Lollipop  ' ! !  This  gorgeous  magazine  is  already 
before  the  public  for  October,  The  question  of  pre- 
eminence is  forever  put  to  rest,  and  hereafter  it  will  be 
excessively  preposterous  in  the  '  Hum-Drum,'  the  '  Rowdy- 
Dow,'  or  the  *  Goosetherumfoodle,'  to  make  any  farther 
spasmodic  attempts  at  competition.  These  journals  may 
excel  the  *  Lollipop  '  in  outcry,  but  in  all  other  points  give 
us  the  '  Lollipop ' !  How  this  celebrated  magazine  can 
sustain  its  evidently  tremendous  expenses  is  past  compre- 
hension. To  be  sure  it  has  a  circulation  of  precisely  half 
a  million,  and  its  subscription-list  has  increased  seventy- 
five  per  cent,  within  the  last  couple  of  days ;  but  then  the 
sums  it  disburses  monthly,  for  contributions,  are  scarcely 
credible ;  we  are  cognizant  of  the  fact  that  Mademoiselle 
Cribalittle  received  no  less  than  eighty-seven  cents  and  a 
half  for  her  late  valuable  Revolutionary  Tale,  entitled 
'The  York-Town  Katy-Did,  and  the  Bunker-Hill  Katy- 
Didn't.' 

"  The  most  able  papers  in  the  present  number  are,  of 
187 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND   CAPRICE 

course,  those  furnished  by  the  editor  (the  eminent  Mr. 
Crab),  but  there  are  numerous  magnificent  contributions 
from  such  names  as  Snob,  Mademoiselle  Cribalittle,  Slyass, 
Mrs.  Fibalittle,  Mumblethumb,  Mrs.  Squibalittle,  and  last, 
though  not  least,  Fatquack.  The  world  may  well  be  chal- 
lenged to  produce  so  rich  a  galaxy  of  genius. 

'*  The  poem  over  the  signature  '  Snob  '  is,  we  find,  at- 
tracting universal  commendation,  and,  we  are  constrained 
to  say,  deserves,  if  possible,  even  more  applause  than  it  has 
received.  The  *  Oil-of-Bob  '  is  the  title  of  this  masterpiece 
of  eloquence  and  art.  One  or  two  of  our  readers  may 
have  a  veiy  faint,  although  sufficiently  disgusting  recollec- 
tion of  a  poem  {})  similarly  entitled,  the  perpetration  of  a 
miserable  penny-a-liner,  mendicant,  and  cut- throat,  con- 
nected in  the  capacity  of  scullion,  we  believe,  with  one  of 
the  indecent  prints  about  the  purlieus  of  the  city ;  we  beg 
them,  for  God's  sake,  not  to  confound  the  compositions. 
The  author  of  the  *  Oil-of-Bob  '  is,  we  hear,  Thingum  Bob, 
Esq.,  a  gentleman  of  high  genius,  and  a  scholar.  *  Snob  ' 
is  merely  a  iiofn  de  guerre.     Sept.  15  —  i/." 

I  could  scarcely  restrain  my  indignation  while  1 
perused  the  concluding  portions  of  this  diatribe.  It 
was  clear  to  me  that  the  yea-nay  manner  —  not  to  say 
the  gentleness,  the  positive  forbearance,  with  which  the 
"  Daddy-Long-Legs  "  spoke  of  that  pig,  the  editor  of 
the  "  Gad-Fly  "  —  it  was  evident  to  me,  I  say,  that  this 
gentleness  of  speech  could  proceed  from  nothing  else 
than  a  partiality  for  the  "  Fly,"  whom  it  was  clearly 
the  intention  of  the  "Daddy-Long-Legs"  to  elevate 
into  reputation  at  my  expense.  Any  one,  indeed, 
might  perceive  with  half  an  eye  that,  had  the  real 
design  of  the  "  Daddy  "  been  what  it  wished  to  appear, 
it  (the  "  Daddy  ")  might  have  expressed  itself  in  terms 
more  direct,  more  pungent,  and  altogether  more  to  the 
purpose.  The  words  "penny-a-liner,"  "mendicant," 
188 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

"scullion,"  and  "cut-thro it  "  were  epithets  so  intention- 
ally inexpressive  and  equivocal  as  to  be  v/orse  than 
nothing  when  applied  to  the  author  of  the  very  worst 
stanzas  ever  penned  by  one  of  the  human  race.  We 
all  know  what  is  meant  by  "damning  with  faint 
praise,"  and,  on  the  other  hand,  who  could  fail  seeing 
through  the  covert  purpose  of  the  "  Daddy  "  —  that  of 
glorifying  with  feeble  abuse  .'* 

What  the  "  Daddy  "  chose  to  say  of  the  "  Fly,"  how- 
ever, was  no  business  of  mine.  What  it  said  of  myself 
was.  After  the  noble  manner  in  which  the  "  Owl," 
the  "  Toad,"  the  "  Mole,"  had  expressed  themselves  in 
respect  to  my  ability,  it  was  rather  too  much  to  be 
coolly  spoken  of,  by  a  thing  like  the  "  Daddy-Long- 
Legs,"  as  merely  "  a  gentleman  of  high  genius  and  a 
scholar."  Gentleman  indeed !  I  made  up  my  mind 
at  once  either  to  get  a  written  apology  from  the 
"  Daddy- Long-Legs  "  or  to  call  it  out. 

Full  of  this  purpose,  I  looked  about  me  to  find  a 
friend  whom  I  could  intrust  with  a  message  to  his 
Daddyship,  and,  as  the  editor  of  the  "  Lollipop  "  had 
given  me  marked  tokens  of  regard,  I  at  length  con- 
cluded to  seek  assistance  upon  the  present  occasion. 

I  have  never  yet  been  able  to  account,  in  a  manner 
satisfactory  to  my  own  understanding,  for  the  very 
peculiar  countenance  and  demeanor  with  which  Mr. 
Crab  listened  to  me,  as  I  unfolded  to  him  my  design. 
He  again  went  through  the  scene  of  the  bell-rope  and 
cudgel,  and  did  not  omit  the  duck.  At  one  period  I 
thought  he  really  intended  to  quack.  His  fit,  never- 
theless, finally  subsided  as  before,  and  he  began  to  act 
and  speak  in  a  rational  way.  He  declined  bearing  the 
cartel,  however,  and  in  fact  dissuaded  me  from  sending 
it  at  all ;  but  was  candid  enough  to  admit  that  the 
189 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

*'  Daddy-Long- Legs  "  had  been  disgracefully  in  the 
wrong  —  more  especially  in  what  related  to  the  epithets 
"gentleman  and  scholar." 

Towards  the  end  of  this  interview  with  Mr.  Crab, 
who  really  appeared  to  take  a  paternal  interest  in  my 
welfare,  he  suggested  to  me  that  I  might  turn  an 
honest  penny,  and;  at  the  same  time,  advance  my 
reputation,  by  occasionally  playing  Thomas  Hawk  for 
the  "  Lollipop." 

I  begged  Mr.  Crab  to  inform  me  who  was  Mr. 
Thomas  Hawk,  and  how  it  was  expected  that  I  should 
play  him. 

Here  Mr.  Crab  again  "  made  great  eyes  "  (as  we  say 
in  Germany),  but  at  length,  recovering  himself  from  a 
profound  attack  of  astonishment,  he  assured  me  that 
he  employed  the  words  "  Thomas  Hawk  "  to  avoid 
the  colloquialism,  Tommy,  which  was  low  —  but  that 
the  true  idea  was  Tommy  Hawk,  or  tomahawk,  and 
that  by  "  playing  tomahawk  "  he  referred  to  scalping, 
browbeating,  and  otherwise  using  up  the  herd  of  poor- 
devil  authors. 

I  assured  my  patron  that,  if  this  was  all,  I  was  per- 
fectly resigned  to  the  task  of  playing  Thomas  Hawk. 
Hereupon  Mr.  Crab  desired  me  to  use  up  the  editor 
of  the  "  Gad-Fly  "  forthwith,  in  the  fiercest  style  within 
the  scope  of  my  ability,  and  as  a  specimen  of  my 
powers.  This  I  did,  upon  the  spot,  in  a  review  of  the 
original  "  Oil-of-Bob,"  occupying  thirty-six  pages  of  the 
"  Lollipop."  I  found  playing  Thomas  Hawk,  indeed,  a 
far  less  onerous  occupation  than  poetizing;  for  I  went 
upon  system  altogether,  and  thus  it  was  easy  to  do  the 
thing  thoroughly  and  well.  My  practice  was  this. 
I  bought  auction  copies  (cheap)  of  Lord  Brougham's 
"  Speeches,  "  Cobbett's  "  Complete  Works,  "  the 
190 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

"New  Slang-Syllabus,"  the  "Whole  Art  of  Snub- 
bing," Prentice's  "  Billingsgate  "  (folio  edition),  and 
Lewis  G.  Clarke  on  "  Tongue."  These  works  I  cut  up 
thoroughly  with  a  curry-comb,  and  then,  throwing  the 
shreds  into  a  sieve,  sifted  out  carefully  all  that  might 
be  thought  decent  (a  mere  trifle);  reserving  the  hard 
phrases,  which  I  threw  into  a  large  tin  pepper-castor 
with  longitudinal  holes,  so  that  an  entire  sentence 
could  get  through  without  material  injury.  The  mix- 
ture was  then  ready  for  use.  When  called  upon  to 
play  Thom^as  Hawk,  I  anointed  a  sheet  of  foolscap 
with  the  white  of  a  gander's  egg',  then,  shredding  the 
thing  to  be  reviewed  as  I  had  previously  shredded  the 
books,  —  only  with  more  care,  so  as  to  get  every  word 
separate  —  I  threw  the  latter  shreds  in  with  the  former, 
screwed  on  the  lid  of  the  castor,  gave  it  a  shake,  and 
so  dusted  out  the  mixture  upon  the  egged  foolscap ; 
where  it  stuck.  The  effect  was  beautiful  to  behold. 
It  was  captivating.  Indeed,  the  reviews  I  brought 
to  pass  by  this  simple  expedient  have  never  been  ap- 
proached, and  were  the  wonder  of  the  world.  At  first, 
through  bashfulness,  the  result  of  inexperience,  I  was 
a  little  put  out  by  a  certain  inconsistency — a  certain 
air  of  the  bizai-re  (as  we  say  in  France),  worn  by  the 
composition  as  a  whole.  All  the  phrases  did  not  fit 
(as  we  say  in  the  Anglo-Saxon).  Many  were  quite 
awry.  Some,  even,  were  upside-down ;  and  there 
were  none  of  them  which  were  not,  in  some  measure, 
injured  in  regard  to  effect  by  this  latter  species  of  acci- 
dent, when  it  occurred,  —  with  the  exception  of  Mr. 
Lewis  Clarke's  paragraphs,  which  were  so  vigorous, 
and  altogether  stout,  that  they  seemed  not  particularly 
disconcerted  by  any  extreme  of  position,  but  looked 
191 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND   CAPRICE 

equally  happy  and  satisfactory,  whether  on  their  heads 
or  on  their  heels. 

What  became  of  the  editor  of  the  "  Gad-Fly,"  after 
the  publication  of  my  criticism  on  his  "  Oil-of-Bob," 
it  is  somewhat  difficult  to  determine.  The  most 
reasonable  conclusion  is  that  he  wept  himself  to  death. 
At  all  events  he  disappeared  instantaneously  from  the 
face  of  the  earth,  and  no  man  has  seen  even  the  ghost 
of  him  snice. 

This  matter  having  been  properly  accomplished,  and 
the  Furies  appeased,  I  grew  at  once  into  high  favor 
with  Mr.  Crab.  Retook  me  into  his  confidence,  gave 
me  a  permanent  situation  as  Thomas  Hawk  of  the  "  Lol- 
lipop," and,  as  for  the  present  he  could  afford  me  no 
salary,  allowed  me  to  profit  at  discretion  by  his  advice. 

"  My  dear  Thingum,"  said  he  to  me  one  day  after 
dinner,  "  I  respect  your  abilities  and  love  you  as  a 
son.  You  shall  be  my  heir.  When  I  die,  I  will  be- 
queath you  the  '  Lollipop. '  In  the  mean  time  I  will 
make  a  man  of  you  —  I  ivill  —  provided  always 
that  you  follow  my  counsel.  The  first  thing  to  do  is 
to  get  rid  of  the  old  bore." 

"Boar?"  said  I,  inquiringly — "pig,  eh?  —  aper  ? 
(as  we  say  in  Latin)  —  who  ?  —  where  ?  " 

"Your  father,"  said  he. 

"  Precisely,"  I  replied,  —  "  pig.''' 

"You  have  your  fortune  to  make,  Thingum,"  re- 
sumed Mr.  Crab,  "  and  that  governor  of  yours  is  a 
millstone  about  your  neck.  We  must  cut  him  at 
once."  (Here  I  took  out  my  knife.)  "  We  must  cut 
him,"  continued  Mr.  Crab,  "  decidedly  and  forever. 
He  won't  do  —  he  won't.  Upon  second  thoughts, 
you  had  better  kick  him,  or  cane  him,  or  something 
of  that  kind." 

192 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

"What  do  you  say,"  I  suggested  modestly,  "to  my 
kicking  him  in  the  first  instance,  caning  him  after- 
wards, and  winding  up  by  tweaking  his  nose  ?  " 

Mr.  Crab  looked  at  me  musingly  for  some  moments, 
and  then  answered :  — 

"  I  think,  Mr.  Bob,  that  what  you  propose  would 
answer  sufficiently  well  —  indeed,  remarkably  well  — 
that  is  to  say,  as  far  as  it  went  —  but  barbers  are 
exceedingly  hard  to  cut,  and  I  think,  upon  the  whole, 
that,  having  performed  upon  Thomas  Bob  the  opera- 
tions you  suggest,  it  would  be  advisable  to  blacken, 
with  your  fists,  both  his  eyes,  very  carefully  and 
thoroughly,  to  prevent  his  ever  seeing  you  again  in 
fashionable  promenades.  After  doing  this,  I  really 
do  not  perceive  that  you  can  do  any  more.  However, 
it  might  be  just  as  well  to  roll  him  once  or  twice  in 
the  gutter,  and  then  put  him  in  charge  of  the  police. 
Any  time  the  next  morning  you  can  call  at  the  watch- 
house  and  swear  an  assault." 

I  was  much  affected  by  the  kindness  of  feeling 
towards  me  personally  which  was  evinced  in  this 
excellent  advice  of  Mr.  Crab,  and  I  did  not  fail  to 
profit  by  it  forthwith.  The  result  was  that  I  got  rid 
of  the  old  bore,  and  began  to  feel  a  little  independent 
and  gentleman-like.  The  want  of  money,  however, 
was,  for  a  few  weeks,  a  source  of  some  discomfort; 
but,  at  length,  by  carefully  putting  to  use  my  two  eyes, 
and  observing  how  matters  went  just  in  front  of  my 
nose,  I  perceived  how  the  thing  was  to  be  brought 
about.  I  say  "thing"  —  be  it  observed — for  they 
tell  me  the  Latin  for  it  is  rem.  By  the  way,  talking 
of  Latin,  can  any  one  tell  me  the  meaning  of  quocun- 
que  —  or  what  is  the  meaning  of  modo  ? 

My  plan  was  exceedingly  simple.  I  bought,  for  a 
VOL.  IV.  —  13  193 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

song,  a  sixteenth  of  the  "  Snapping-Turtle  :  "  —  that 
was  all.  The  thing  was  done^  and  I  put  money  in  my 
purse.  There  were  some  trivial  arrangements  after- 
wards, to  be  sure  ;  but  these  formed  no  portion  of  the 
plan.  They  were  a  consequence  —  a  result.  For 
example,  I  bought  pen,  ink,  and  paper,  and  put  them 
into  furious  activity.  Having  thus  completed  a 
magazine  article,  I  gave  it,  for  appellation,  "  FoL-LoL, 
by  the  Anfhor  of  the  '  Oil-of-Bob,'  "  and  enveloped 
it  to  the  "  Goosetherumfoodle."  That  journal,  how- 
ever, having  pronounced  it  "  twattle  "  in  the  "  Monthly 
Notices  to  Correspondents,"  I  reheaded  the  paper 
"  '  Hey-Diddle-Diddle,'  by  Thingum  Bob,  Esq., 
Author  of  the  Ode  on  the  'Oil-of-Bob,'  and  Editor 
of  the  '  Snapping-Turtle.'  "  With  this  amendment,  I 
re-enclosed  it  to  the  "  Goosetherumfoodle,"  and,  while 
I  awaited  a  reply,  published  daily,  in  the  "  Turtle,"  six 
columns  of  what  may  be  termed  philosophical  and 
analytical  investigation  of  the  literary  merits  of  the 
"Goosetherumfoodle,"  as  well  as  of  the  personal  char- 
acter of  the  editor  of  the  "  Goosetherumfoodle."  At 
the  end  of  a  week  the  "  Goosetherumfoodle  "  discov- 
ered that  it  had,  by  some  odd  mistake,  "  confounded  a 
stupid  article,  headed  '  Hey-Diddle-Diddle  '  and  com- 
posed by  some  unknown  ignoramus,  with  a  gem  of 
resplendent  lustre  similarly  entitled,  the  work  of 
Thingum  Bob,  Esq.,  the  celebrated  author  of  the 
'  Oil-of-Bob.'  "  The  "  Goosetherumfoodle  "  deeply 
"  regretted  this  very  natural  accident,"  and  promised, 
moreover,  an  insertion  of  the  gemiine  "  Hey-Diddle- 
Diddle  "  in  the  very  next  number  of  the  magazine. 

The    fact    is,    I    thought — I    really   thought — I 
thought  at  the  time  —  I  thought  then  —  and  have  no 
reason  for  thinking  otherwise  now  —  that  the  "  Goose- 
194 


THE   LITERARY   LIFE   OF    THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

therumfoodle  "  did  make  a  mistake.  With  the  best 
intentions  in  the  world,  I  never  knew  anything  that 
made  as  many  singular  mistakes  as  the  "  Goosetherum- 
foodle."  From  that  day  I  took  a  liking  to  the  "  Goose- 
therumfoodle,"  and  the  result  was  I  soon  saw  into  the 
very  depths  of  its  literary  merits,  and  did  not  fail  to 
expatiate  upon  them,  in  the  "  Turtle,"  whenever  a  fit- 
ting opportunity  occurred.  And  it  is  to  be  regarded  as 
a  very  peculiar  coincidence,  as  one  of  those  positively 
remarkable  coincidences  which  set  a  man  to  serious 
thinking,  that  just  such  a  total  revolution  of  opinion 

—  just  such  entire  bo2tleversement  (as  we  say  in 
French)  —  just  such  thorough  topsyturviness  (if  I 
may  be  permitted  to  employ  a  rather  forcible  term  of 
the  Choctaws),  as  happened,  pro  and  co7t^  between 
myself  on  the  one  part  and  the  ''  Goosetherumfoodle  " 
on  the  other,  did  actually  again  happen,  in  a  brief 
period  afterwards,  and  with  precisely  similar  circum- 
stances, in  the  case  of  myself  and  the  "  Rowdy-Dow," 
and  in  the  case  of  myself  and  the  "  Hum-Drum." 

Thus  it  was  that,  by  a  master-stroke  of  genius,  I  at 
length  consummated  my  triumphs  by  "  putting  money 
in  my  purse,"  and  thus  may  be  said  really  and  fairly 
to  have  commenced  that  brilliant  and  eventful  career 
which  rendered  me  illustrious,  and  which  now  enables 
me  to  say,  with  Chateaubriand,  "I  have  made  history" 

—  "  yaifait  rJiistoirer 

I  have  indeed  "made  history."  From  the  bright 
epoch  which  I  now  record,  my  actions,  my  works, 
are  the  property  of  mankind.  They  are  familiar  to 
the  world.  It  is,  then,  needless  for  me  to  detail  how, 
soaring  rapidly,  I  fell  heir  to  the  "  Lollipop  ;  "  how  I 
merged  this  journal  in  the  "  Hum-Drum  ;  "  how  again 
195 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

I  made  purchase  of  the  "  Rowdy-Dow,"  thus  combin- 
ing the  three  periodicals ;  how,  lastly,  I  effected  a 
bargain  for  the  sole  remaining  rival,  and  united  all 
the  literature  of  the  country  in  one  magnificent  maga- 
zine, known  everywhere  as  the 

"  Rowdy-Dow,  Lollipop,  Hum-Drum, 
and 

GOOSETHERUMFOODLE." 

Yes;  I  have  made  history.  My  fame  is  universal. 
It  extends  to  the  uttermost  ends  of  the  earth.  You 
cannot  take  up  a  common  newspaper  in  which  you 
shall  not  see  some  allusion  to  the  immortal  Thingum 
Bob.  It  is  Mr.  Thingum  Bob  said  so,  and  Mr. 
Thingum  Bob  wrote  this,  and  Mr.  Thingum  Bob  did 
that.  But  I  am  meek,  and  expire  with  an  humble 
heart.  After  all,  what  is  it?  —  this  indescribable 
something  which  men  will  persist  in  terming  "genius  "  ? 
I  agree  with  Buff  on  —  with  Hogarth  —  it  is  but  dili- 
gence after  all. 

Look  at  7iie! — how  I  labored  —  how  I  toiled  — 
how  I  wrote  !  Ye  Gods,  did  I  not  write  ?  I  knew 
not  the  word  "  ease."  By  day  I  adhered  to  my  desk, 
and  at  night,  a  pale  student,  I  consumed  the  midnight 
oil.  You  should  have  seen  me  —  you  should.  I 
leaned  to  the  right.  I  leaned  to  the  left.  I  sat  for- 
ward. I  sat  backward.  I  sat  upon  end.  I  sat  tete 
baissee  (as  they  have  it  in  the  Kickapoo),  bowing  my 
head  close  to  the  alabaster  page.  And,  through  all, 
I  —  wrote.  Through  joy  and  through  sorrow,  I  — 
wrote.  Through  hunger  and  through  thirst,  I  — 
wrote.  Through  good  report  and  through  ill  report, 
196 


THE   LITERARY    LIFE   OF   THINGUM   BOB,    ESQ. 

I  —  wrote.  Through  sunshine  and  through  moon 
shine,  I  —  wrote.  What  I  wrote  it  is  unnecessary 
to  say.  The  style  !  —  that  was  the  thing.  I  caught 
it  from  Fatquack  —  whiz!  —  fizz!  —  and  I  am  giving 
you  a  specimen  of  it  now. 


197 


HOW   TO  WRITE    A   BLACKWOOD 
ARTICLE 

In  the  name  of  the  Prophet  —  figs  ! 

Cry  of  Turkish  Flg-pedler, 

1  PRESUME  everybody  has  heard  of  me.  My 
name  is  the  Signora  Psyche  Zenobia.  This  I  know 
to  be  a  fact.  Nobody  but  my  enemies  ever  calls  me 
Suky  Snobbs.  I  have  been  assured  that  Suky  is 
but  a  vulgar  corruption  of  Psyche,  which  is  good 
Greek,  and  means  "  the  soul  "  (that 's  me,  I  'm  all 
soul),  and  sometimes  "  a  butterfly,"  which  latter  mean- 
ing undoubtedly  alludes  to  my  appearance  in  my 
new  crimson  satin  dress,  with  the  sky-blue  Arabian 
mantelet^  and  the  trimmings  of  green  agraffas^  and 
the  seven  flounces  of  orange-colored  auriculas.  As 
for  Snobbs  —  any  person  who  should  look  at  me 
would  be  instantly  aware  that  my  name  was  n't 
Snobbs.  Miss  Tabitha  Turnip  propagated  that  re- 
port through  sheer  envy.  Tabitha  Turnip  indeed  ! 
Oh,  the  little  wretch  !  But  what  can  we  expect  from 
a  turnip?  Wonder  if  she  remembers  the  old  adage 
about  "  blood  out  of  a  turnip,  etc."  (Mem. :  put  her 
in  mind  of  it  the  first  opportunity.)  (Mem.  again  — 
pull  her  nose.)  Where  was  I  ?  Ah  !  I  have  been 
assured  that  Snobbs  is  a  mere  corruption  of  Zenobia, 
and  that  Zenobia  was  a  queen  (so  am  I.  Dr.  Money- 
198 


HOW  TO  WRITE  A  BLACKWOOD  ARTICLE 

penny  always  calls  me  the  Queen  of  Hearts),  and  that 
Zenobia,  as  well  as  Psyche,  is  good  Greek,  and  that 
my  father  was  "a  Greek,"  and  that  consequently  I 
have  a  right  to  our  patronymic,  which  is  Zenobia,  and 
not  by  any  means  Snobbs.  Nobody  but  Tabitha 
Turnip  calls  me  Suky  Snobbs.  I  am  the  Signora 
Psyche  Zenobia. 

As  I  said  before,  everybody  has  heard  of  me.  I 
am  that  very  Signora  Psyche  Zenobia  so  justly  cele- 
brated as  corresponding  secretary  to  the  "  Philadel- 
phia, Regular,  Exchange,  Tea,  Total,  Young,  Belles, 
Lettres,  Universal,  Experimental,  Bibliographical, 
Association,  To,  Civihze,  Humanity."  Dr.  Money- 
penny  made  the  title  for  us,  and  says  he  chose  it 
because  it  sounded  big,  like  an  empty  rum-puncheon. 
(A  vulgar  man  that  sometimes,  but  he  's  deep.)  We 
all  sign  the  initials  of  the  society  after  our  names,  in 
the  fashion  of  the  R.  S.  A.,  Royal  Society  of  Arts  — 
the  S.  D.  U.  K.,  Society  for  the  Diffusion  of  Useful 
Knowledge,  etc.  etc.  Dr.  Moneypenny  says  that  S 
stands  for  stale^  and  that  D.  U.  K.  spells  duck  (but 
it  don't),  and  that  S.  D.  U.  K.  stands  for  Stale  Duck, 
and  not  for  Lord  Brougham's  Society ;  but  then  Dr. 
Moneypenny  is  such  a  queer  man  that  I  am  never 
sure  when  he  is  telling  me  the  truth.  At  any  rate  we 
always  add  to  our  names  the  initials  P.  R.  E.  T.  T.  Y. 
B.  L.  U.  E.  B.  A.  T.  C.  H.  — that  is  to  say,  Philadel- 
phia, Regular,  Exchange,  Tea,  Total,  Young,  Belles, 
Lettres,  Universal,  Experimental,  Bibliographical, 
Association,  To,  Civilize,  Humanity  —  one  letter  for 
each  word,  which  is  a  decided  improvement  upon  Lord 
Brougham.  Dr.  Moneypenny  will  have  it  that  our 
initials  give  our  true  character,  but  for  my  life  I  can't 
see  what  he  means. 

199 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

Notwithstanding  the  good  ofSces  of  the  Doctor,  and 
the  strenuous  exertions  of  the  Association  to  get  itself 
into  notice,  it  met  with  no  very  great  success  until  I 
joined  it.  The  truth  is,  members  indulged  in  too 
flippant  a  tone  of  discussion.  The  papers  read  every 
Saturday  evening  were  characterized  less  by  depth 
than  buffoonery.  They  were  all  whipped  syllabub. 
There  was  no  investigation  of  first  causes,  first  prin- 
ciples. There  was  no  investigation  of  anything  at 
all.  There  was  no  attention  paid  to  that  great  point, 
the  "fitness  of  things."  In  short,  there  was  no  fine 
writing  like  this.  It  was  all  low  —  very !  No  pro- 
fundity, no  reading,  no  metaphysics,  nothing  which 
the  learned  call  spirituality  and  which  the  unlearned 
choose  to  stigmatize  as  cant.  (Dr.  M.  says  I  ought 
to  spell  "  cant "  with  a  capital  K  —  but  I  know  better.) 

When  I  joined  the  Society  it  was  my  endeavor  to 
introduce  a  better  style  of  thinking  and  writing,  and 
all  the  world  knows  how  well  I  have  succeeded.  We 
get  up  as  good  papers  now  in  the  P.  R.  E.  T.  T.  Y. 
B.  L.  U.  E.  B.  A.  T.  C.  H.  as  any  to  be  found  even 
in  "  Blackwood."  I  say  "  Blackwood,"  because  I 
have  been  assured  that  the  finest  writing,  upon  every 
subject,  is  to  be  discovered  in  the  pages  of  that  justly 
celebrated  magazine.  We  now  take  it  for  our  model 
upon  all  themes,  and  are  getting  into  rapid  notice 
accordingly.  And,  after  all,  it 's  not  so  very  difficult 
a  matter  to  compose  an  article  of  the  genuine  "  Black- 
wood" stamp,  if  one  only  goes  properly  about  it.  Of 
course  I  don't  speak  of  the  political  articles.  Every- 
body knows  how  they  are  managed,  since  Dr.  Money- 
penny  explained  it.  Mr.  Blackwood  has  a  pair  of 
tailor's-shears,  and  three  apprentices  who  stand  by 
him  for  orders.  One  hands  him  the  "  Times,"  another 
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HOW   TO   WRITE   A   BLACKWOOD   ARTICLE 

the  "Examiner,"  and  a  third  a  Gulley's  "New  Com- 
pendium of  Slang- Whang."      Mr.  B merely  cuts 

out  and  intersperses.  It  is  soon  done :  nothing  but 
"  Examiner,"  "  Slang- Whang,"  and  "  Times  ;  "  then 
"Times,"  "  Slang- Whang,"  and  "Examiner;"  and 
then  "  Times,"  "  Examiner,"  and  "  Slang- Whang." 

But  the  chief  merit  of  the  magazine  lies  in  its  mis. 
cellaneous  articles;  and  the  best  of  these  come  under 
the  head  of  what  Dr.  Moneypenny  calls  the  bizarreries 
(whatever  that  may  mean)  and  what  everybody  else 
calls  the  intensities.  This  is  a  species  of  writing 
which  I  have  long  known  how  to  appreciate,  although 
it  is  only  since  my  late  visit  to  Mr.  Blackwood  (deputed 
by  the  Society)  that  I  have  been  made  aware  of  the 
exact  method  of  composition.  This  method  is  very 
simple,  but  not  so  much  so  as  the  politics.     Upon 

my  calling  at  Mr.  B 's,  and  making  known  to  him 

the  wishes  of  the  Society,  he  received  me  with  great 
civility,  took  me  into  his  study,  and  gave  me  a  clear 
explanation  of  the  whole  process, 

"  My  dear  madam,"  said  he,  evidently  struck  with 
my  majestic  appearance,  for  I  had  on  the  crimson 
satin,  with  the  green  agraffas,  and  orange-colored 
auriculas,  "my  dear  madam,"  said  he,  "sit  down. 
The  matter  stands  thus.  In  the  first  place,  your 
writer  of  intensities  must  have  very  black  ink,  and  a 
very  big  pen,  with  a  very  blunt  nib.  And,  mark  me, 
Miss  Psyche  Zenobia ! "  he  continued,  after  a  pause, 
with  the  most  impressive  energy  and  solemnity  of 
manner,  "  mark  me  !  — that  pen  —  must —  never  be 
metidedl  Herein,  madam,  lies  the  secret,  the  soul,  of 
intensity.  I  assume  upon  myself  to  say,  that  no  indi- 
vidual, of  however  great  genius,  ever  wrote  with  a 
good  pen  —  understand  me  —  a  good   article.     You 

201 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

may  take  it  for  granted  that  when  manuscript  can  be 
read  it  is  never  worth  reading.  This  is  a  leading 
principle  in  our  faith,  to  which  if  you  cannot  readily 
assent,   our   conference   is   at  an   end." 

He  paused.  But,  of  course,  as  I  had  no  wish  to 
put  an  end  to  the  conference,  I  assented  to  a  proposi- 
tion so  very  obvious,  and  one,  too,  of  whose  truth  I 
had  all  along  been  sufficiently  aware.  He  seemed 
pleased,  and  went  on  with  his  instructions. 

"  It  may  appear  invidious  in  me.  Miss  Psyche  Zeno- 
bia,  to  refer  you  to  any  article,  or  set  of  articles,  in  the 
way  of  model  or  study;  yet  perhaps  I  may  as  well 
call  your  attention  to  a  few  cases.  Let  me  see. 
There  was  'The  Dead  Alive,'  a  capital  thing!  the 
record  of  a  gentleman's  sensations  when  entombed 
before  the  breath  was  out  of  his  body;  full  of  taste, 
terror,  sentiment,  metaphysics,  and  erudition.  You 
would  have  sworn  that  the  writer  had  been  born  and 
brought  up  in  a  coffin.  Then  we  had  the  '  Confes- 
sions of  an  Opium.-eater'  —  fine,  very  fine! — glorious 
imagination  —  deep  philosophy  —  acute  speculation  — 
plenty  of  fire  and  fury,  and  a  good  spicing  of  the 
decidedly  unintelligible.  That  was  a  nice  bit  of  flum- 
mery, and  went  down  the  throats  of  the  people 
delightfully.  They  would  have  it  that  Coleridge  wrote 
the  paper  —  but  not  so.  It  was  composed  by  my 
pet  baboon.  Juniper,  over  a  rummer  of  Hollands  and 
water,  'hot,  without  sugar.'"  (This  I  could  scarcely 
have  believed  had  it  been  anybody  but  Mr.  Black- 
wood, who  assured  me  of  it.)  "  Then  there  was  'The 
Involuntary  Experimentalist,'  all  about  a  gentleman 
who  got  baked  in  an  oven,  and  came  out  alive  and 
well,  although  certainly  done  to  a  turn.  And  then 
there  was  '  The  Diary  of  a  Late  Physician,'  where  the 

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HOW   TO    WRITE   A   BLACKWOOD   ARTICLE 

merit  lay  in  good  rant,  and  indifferent  Greek  — both 
of  them  taking  things  with  the  pubUc.  And  then 
there  was  'The  Man  in  the  Bell,'  a  paper,  by  the  bye, 
Miss  Zenobia,  which  I  cannot  sufficiently  recommend 
to  your  attention.  It  is  the  history  of  a  young  person 
who  goes  to  sleep  under  the  clapper  of  a  church  bell, 
and  is  awakened  by  its  tolling  for  a  funeral.  The 
sound  drives  him  mad,  and,  accordingly,  pulling  out 
his  tablets,  he  gives  a  record  of  his  sensations.  Sen- 
sations are  the  great  things,  after  all.  Should  you 
ever  be  drowned  or  hung,  be  sure  and  make  a  note  of 
your  sensations  ;  they  will  be  worth  to  you  ten  guineas 
a  sheet.  If  you  wish  to  write  forcibly,  Miss  Zenobia, 
pay  minute  attention  to  the  sensations." 

"  That  I  certainly  will,  Mr.  Blackwood,"  said  I. 

"  Good  !  "  he  replied.  "  I  see  you  are  a  pupil  after 
my  own  heart.  But  I  must  put  you  au  fait  to  the 
details  necessary  in  composing  what  may  be  denomi- 
nated a  genuine  '  Blackwood  '  article  of  the  sensation 
stamp,  the  kind  which  you  will  understand  me  to  say 
I  consider  the  best  for  all  purposes. 

"  The  first  thing  requisite  is  to  get  yourself  into 
such  a  scrape  as  no  one  ever  got  into  before.  The 
oven,  for  instance,  —  that  was  a  good  hit.  But  if 
you  have  no  oven  or  big  bell  at  hand,  and  if  you 
cannot  conveniently  tumble  out  of  a  balloon,  or  be 
swallowed  up  in  an  earthquake,  or  get  stuck  fast  in  a 
chimney,  you  will  have  to  be  contented  with  simply 
imagining  some  similar  misadventure.  I  should  pre- 
fer, however,  that  you  have  the  actual  fact  to  bear 
you  out.  Nothing  so  well  assists  the  fancy  as  an 
experimental  knowledge  of  the  matter  in  hand. 
'  Truth  is  strange,'  you  know,  '  stranger  than  fiction  ' 
—  besides  being  more  to  the  purpose." 
203 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

Here  I  assured  him  I  had  an  excellent  pair  of 
garters,  and  would  go  and  hang  myself  forthwith. 

"  Good  !  "  he  replied,  "  do  so ;  although  hanging  is 
somewhat  hackneyed.  Perhaps  you  might  do  better. 
Take  a  dose  of  Brandreth's  pills,  and  then  give  us 
your  sensations.  However,  my  instructions  will  apply 
equally  well  to  any  variety  of  misadventure,  and  in 
your  way  home  you  may  easily  get  knocked  in  the 
head,  or  run  over  by  an  omnibus,  or  bitten  by  a  mad 
dog,  or  drowned  in  a  gutter.     But  to  proceed. 

"  Having  determined  upon  your  subject,  you  must 
next  consider  the  tone,  or  manner,  of  your  narration. 
There  is  the  tone  didactic,  the  tone  enthusiastic,  the 
tone  natural  —  all  commonplace  enough.  But  then 
there  is  the  tone  laconic,  or  curt,  which  has  lately 
come  much  into  use.  It  consists  in  short  sentences. 
Somehow  thus :  Can't  be  too  brief.  Can't  be  too 
snappish.  Always  a  full  stop.  And  never  a  para- 
graph. 

"Then  there  is  the  tone  elevated,  diffusive,  and 
inter] ectional.  Some  of  our  best  noveHsts  patronize 
this  tone.  The  words  must  be  all  in  a  whirl,  like  a 
humming-top,  and  make  a  noise  very  similar,  which 
answers  remarkably  well  instead  of  meaning.  This 
is  the  best  of  all  possible  styles  where  the  writer  is 
in  too  great  a  hurry  to  think. 

"  The  tone  metaphysical  is  also  a  good  one.  If  you 
know  any  big  words  this  is  your  chance  for  them. 
Talk  of  the  Ionic  and  Eleatic  schools  —  of  Archytas, 
Gorgias,  and  Alcm^on.  Say  something  about  objec- 
tivity and  subjectivity.  Be  sure  and  abuse  a  man, 
named  Locke.  Turn  up  your  nose  at  things  in 
general,  and  when  you  let  slip  anything  a  little  too 
absurd,  you  need  not  be  at  the  trouble  of  scratching 

2C4 


HOW   TO   WRITE    A   BLACKWOOD    ARTICLE 

it  out,  but  just  add  a  foot-note,  and  say  that  you  are 
indebted  for  the  above  profound  observation  to  the 
Kritik  der  reiiien  Vermmft,  or  to  the  Metaphysische 
Anfangsgrunde  der  Naturwissenschaft.  This  will 
look  erudite  and  —  and  —  and  frank. 

"  There  are  various  other  tones  of  equal  celebrity, 
but  I  shall  mention  only  two  more,  the  tone  transcen- 
dental and  the  tone  heterogeneous.  In  the  former  the 
merit  consists  in  seeing  into  the  nature  of  affairs  a 
very  great  deal  farther  than  anybody  else.  This 
second  sight  is  very  efficient  when  properly  managed. 
A  little  reading  of  the  'Dial'  will  carry  you  a  great 
v/ay.  Eschew,  in  this  case,  big  words;  get  them  as 
small  as  possible,  and  write  them  upside  down.  Look 
over  Channing's  poems  and  quote  what  he  says  about 
a  'fat  little  man  with  a  delusive  show  of  Can.'  Put 
in  something  about  the  Supernal  Oneness.  Don't  say 
a  syllable  about  the  Infernal  Twoness.  Above  all, 
study  innuendo.  Hint  everything  —  assert  nothing. 
If  you  feel  inclined  to  say  'bread  and  butter,'  do  not 
by  any  means  say  it  outright.  You  may  say  anything 
and  everything  approaching  to  'bread  and  butter.' 
You  may  hint  at  buckwheat  cake,  or  you  may  even 
go  so  far  as  to  insinuate  oatmeal  porridge,  but  if 
bread  and  butter  be  your  real  meaning,  be  cautious, 
my  dear  Miss  Psyche,  not  on  any  account  to  say 
'  bread  and  butter  ' !  " 

I  assured  him  that  I  should  never  say  it  again  as 
long  as  I  lived.     He  kissed  me,  and  continued : 

"As  for  the  tone  heterogeneous,  it  is  merely  a 
judicious  mixture,  in  equal  proportions,  of  all  the 
other  tones  in  the  world,  and  is  consequently  made 
up  of  everything  deep,  great,  odd,  piquant,  pertinent, 
and  pretty. 

205 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

"  Let  US  suppose  now  you  have  determined  upon 
your  incidents  and  tone.  The  most  important  por- 
tion—  in  fact,  the  soul  of  the  whole  business,  is  yet 
to  be  attended  to;  I  allude  to  the  filling  up.  It  is 
not  to  be  supposed  that  a  lady,  or  gentleman  either, 
has  been  leading  the  life  of  a  bookworm.  And  yet 
above  all  things  it  is  necessary  that  your  article  have 
an  air  of  erudition,  or  at  least  afford  evidence  of 
extensive  general  reading.  Now  I  '11  put  you  in  the 
way  of  accomplishing  this  point.  See  here  !  "  (pulHng 
down  some  three  or  four  ordinary-looking  volumes, 
and  opening  them  at  random).  "  By  casting  your  eye 
down  almost  any  page  of  any  book  in  the  world,  you 
will  be  able  to  perceive  at  once  a  host  of  little  scraps 
of  either  learning  or  bel-esprit-isjn^  which  are  the  very 
thing  for  the  spicing  of  a  '  Blackwood  '  article.  You 
might  as  well  note  down  a  few  while  I  read  them  to 
you.  I  shall  make  two  divisions:  first,  Piquant  Facts 
for  the  Manufacttire  of  Similes ;  and  second,  Piqua^it 
Expressio7is  to  be  introduced  as  occasion  may  reqiiire. 
Write  now!"  —  and  I  wrote  as  he  dictated. 

"Piquant  Facts  for  Similes.  *  There  were 
originally  but  three  Muses  —  Melete,  Mneme,  Aoede  — 
meditation,  memory,  and  singing.'  You  may  make  a 
great  deal  of  that  little  fact  if  properly  worked.  You 
see  it  is  not  generally  known,  and  looks  recherche. 
You  must  be  careful  and  give  the  thing  with  a  down- 
right improviso  air. 

''Again.  'The  river  Alpheus  passed  beneath  the 
sea,  and  emerged  without  injury  to  the  purity  of  its 
waters.'  Rather  stale  that,  to  be  sure,  but,  if  properly 
dressed  and  dished  up,  will  look  quite  as  fresh  as 
ever. 

"Here  is  something  better.  'The  Persian  Iris 
206 


HOW   TO   WRITE   A   BLACKWOOD    ARTICLE 

appears  to  some  persons  to  possess  a  sweet  and 
very  powerful  perfume,  while  to  others  it  is  per- 
fectly scentless.'  Fine  that,  and  very  delicate! 
Turn  it  about  a  Httle,  and  it  will  do  wonders.  We  '11 
have  something  else  in  the  botanical  line.  There  's 
nothing  goes  down  so  well,  especially  with  the  help 
of   a  little  Latin.     Write ! 

"'  The  Epidendnun  Flos  Aeris,  of  Java,  bears  a 
very  beautiful  flower,  and  will  live  when  pulled  up 
by  the  roots.  The  natives  suspend  it  by  a  cord  from 
the  ceiling,  and  enjoy  its  fragrance  for  years.'  That 's 
capital !  That  will  do  for  the  Similes.  Now  for  the 
Piquant  Expressions. 

"  Piquant  Expressions.  '  The  venerable  Chinese 
novel  Jii-Kiao-Li.'  Good  !  By  introducing  these  few 
words  with  dexterity  you  will  evince  your  intimate 
acquaintance  with  the  language  and  literature  of  the 
Chinese.  With  the  aid  of  this  you  may  possibly  get 
along  without  either  Arabic,  or  Sanscrit,  or  Chickasaw. 
There  is  no  passing  muster,  however,  without  Spanish, 
Italian,  German,  Latin,  and  Greek.  I  must  look  5^ou 
out  a  little  specimen  of  each.  Any  scrap  will  answer, 
because  you  must  depend  upon  your  own  ingenuity 
to  make  it  fit  into  your  article.     Now  write! 

"  *•  Aussi  tendre  que  Zaire '  —  as  tender  as  Zaire  — 
French.  Alludes  to  the  frequent  repetition  of  the 
phrase,  la  tendi'e  Zaire,  in  the  French  tragedy  of 
that  name.  Properly  introduced,  will  show  not  only 
your  knowledge  of  the  language,  but  your  general 
reading  and  wit.  You  can  say,  for  instance,  that  the 
chicken  you  were  eating  (write  an  article  about  being 
choked  to  death  by  a  chicken-bone)  was  not  alto- 
gether aussi  tendre  que  Zaire.  Write ! 
207 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

'  Ven  muerte  tan  escondida, 

Que  no  te  sienta  venir, 
Porque  el  plazer  del  morir 

No  me  torne  i  dar  la  vida.' 

That 's  Spanish,  from  Miguel  de  Cervantes.  '  Come 
quickly,  O  death  !  but  be  sure  and  don  't  let  me  see 
you  coming,  lest  the  pleasure  I  shall  feel  at  your 
appearance  should  unfortunately  bring  me  back  again 
to  life.'  This  you  may  slip  in  quite  a  propos  when 
you  are  struggling  in  the  last  agonies  with  the  chicken- 
bone.     Write  ! 

'  II  pover'  huomo  che  non  sen'  era  accorto, 
Andava  combattendo,  ed  era  morto.' 

That's  Italian,  you  perceive  —  from  Ariosto.  It 
means  that  a  great  hero,  in  the  heat  of  combat,  not 
perceiving  that  he  had  been  fairly  killed,  continued 
to  fight  valiantly,  dead  as  he  was.  The  application 
of  this  to  your  own  case  is  obvious  ;  for  I  trust.  Miss 
Psyche,  that  you  will  not  neglect  to  kick  for  at  least 
an  hour  and  a  half  after  you  have  been  choked  to 
death  by  that  chicken-bone.     Please  to  write ! 

'  Und  sterb'  ich  doch,  so  sterb'  ich  denn 
Durch  sie  —  durch  sie ! ' 

That's  German  —  from  Schiller.  'And  if  I  die,  at 
least  I  die — for  thee  —  for  thee!'  Here  it  is  clear 
that  you  are  apostrophizing  the  cause  of  your  dis- 
aster, the  chicken.  Indeed,  what  gentleman  (or  lady 
either)  of  sense,  wouldn't  die,  I  should  like  to  know, 
for  a  well-fattened  capon  of  the  right  Molucca  breed, 
stuffed  with  capers  and  mushrooms,  and  served  up 
in  a  salad-bowl,  with  orange-jellies  e7i  mosaiques. 
Write  !  (You  can  get  them  that  way  at  Tortoni's).  — 
Write,   if  you  please ! 

208 


HOW   TO   WRITE    A   BLACKWOOD   ARTICLE 

"  Here  is  a  nice  little  Latin  phrase,  and  rare  too 
(one  can  't  be  too  recherche  or  brief  in  one's  Latin, 
it 's  getting  so  common)  —  ignoratio  elenchi.  He  has 
committed  an  ignoratio  eletichi  j  that  is  to  say,  he 
has  understood  the  words  of  your  proposition,  but 
not  the  idea.  The  man  was  a  fool,  you  see.  Some 
poor  fellow  whom  you  addressed  while  choking  wdth 
that  chicken-bone,  and  who  therefore  did  n't  precisely 
understand  what  you  were  talking  about.  Throw  the 
ignoratio  elenchi  in  his  teeth,  and  at  once  you  have 
him  annihilated.  If  he  dare  to  reply,  you  can  tell 
him  from  Lucan  (here  it  is)  that  speeches  are  mere 
anejHoncB  verborujn,  anemone  words.  The  anemone, 
with  great  brilliancy,  has  no  smell.  Or,  if  he  begin 
to  bluster,  you  may  be  down  upon  him  with  insouinia 
Jovis,  reveries  of  Jupiter  —  a  phrase  which  Silius 
Italicus  (see  here !)  applies  to  thoughts  pompous  and 
inflated.  This  will  be  sure  and  cut  him  to  the  heart. 
He  can  do  nothing  but  roll  over  and  die.  Will  you 
be  kind  enough   to  write  .'* 

"In  Greek  we  must  have  something  pretty  — 
from  Demosthenes,  for  example.  *Ai/^p  6  cfievycov  kol 
irdXiv  fiaxvo'CTai.  (Aner  o  pheugon  kai  palin  make- 
setai.)  There  is  a  tolerably  good  translation  of  it 
in  *  Hudibras  '  —  ^ 

'  For  he  that  flies  may  fight  again, 
Which  he  can  never  do  that 's  slain.' 

In  a '  Blackwood  '  article  nothing  makes  so  fine  a  show 
as  your  Greek.  The  very  letters  have  an  air  of 
profundity  about  them.  Only  observe,  madam,  the 
astute  look  of  that  Epsilon !  That  Phi  ought  cer- 
tainly to  be  a  bishop  !  Was  ever  there  a  smarter 
fellow  than  that  Omicron?  Just  twig  that  Tau ! 
VOL.  IV.  —  14  209 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND    CAPRICE 

In  short,  there  is  nothing  like  Greek  for  a  genuine 
sensation-paper.  In  the  present  case  your  apphca- 
tion  is  the  most  obvious  thing  in  the  world.  Rap 
out  the  sentence,  with  a  huge  oath,  and  by  way  of 
ultimatum  at  the  good-for-nothing  dunder-headed 
villain  who  could  n't  understand  your  plain  English 
in  relation  to  the  chicken-bone.  He  '11  take  the  hint 
and  be  off,  you  may  depend  upon  it." 

These  were  all  the  instructions  Mr.   B could 

afford  me  upon  the  topic  in  question,  but  I  felt  they 
would  be  entirely  sufficient.  I  was,  at  length,  able  to 
write  a  genuine  "  Blackwood  "  article,  and  determined 

to  do  it  forthwith.     In  taking  leave  of  me,  Mr.  B 

made  a  proposition  for  the  purchase  of  the  paper  when 
written  ;  but,  as  he  could  offer  me  only  fifty  guineas 
a  sheet,  I  thought  it  better  to  let  our  society  have 
it  than  sacrifice  it  for  so  paltry  a  sum.  Notwithstand- 
ing this  niggardly  spirit,  however,  the  gentleman 
showed  his  consideration  for  me  in  all  other  respects, 
and  indeed  treated  me  with  the  greatest  civility.  His 
parting  words  made  a  deep  impression  upon  my 
heart,  and  I  hope  I  shall  always  remember  them 
with  gratitude. 

"  My  dear  Miss  Zenobia,"  he  said,  while  the  tears 
stood  in  his  eyes,  "  is  there  ^«ything  else  I  can  do 
to  promote  the  success  of  your  laudable  undertaking  ? 
Let  me  reflect !  It  is  just  possible  that  you  may 
not  be  able,  so  soon  as  convenient,  to  —  to  —  get 
yourself  drowned,  or  —  choked  with  a  chicken-bone, 
or  —  or  hung,  —  or  —  bitten  by  a  —  but  stay  !  Now 
I  think  me  of  it,  there  are  a  couple  of  very  excellent 
bull-dogs  in  the  yard  —  fine  fellows,  I  assure  you  — 
savage,  and  all  that  —  indeed  just  the  thing  for  your 
money  —  they  '11  have   you   eaten   up,  auriciclas   and 

210 


HOW   TO   WRITE   A   BLACKWOOD    ARTICLE 

all,  in  less  than  five  minutes  (here  's  my  watch  !)  — 
and  then  only  think  of  the  sensations  !     Here  !  I   say 

—  Tom !  —  Peter !  —  Dick,  you  villain  !  —  let  out  those  " 

—  but  as  I  was  really  in  a  great  hurry,  and  had  not 
another  moment  to  spare,  I  was  reluctantly  forced  to 
expedite  my  departure,  and  accordingly  took  leave  at 
once — somewhat  more  abruptly,  I  admit,  than  strict 
courtesy  would  have  otherwise  allowed. 

It  was  my  primary  object  upon  quitting  Mr.  Black- 
wood to  get  into  some  immediate  difficulty,  pursuant 
to  his  advice,  and  with  this  view  I  spent  the  greater 
part  of  the  day  in  wandering  about  Edinburgh,  seek- 
ing for  desperate  adventures  —  adventures  adequate  to 
the  intensity  of  my  feelings,  and  adapted  to  the  vast 
character  of  the  article  I  intended  to  write.  In  this 
excursion  I  was  attended  by  my  negro  servant  Pom- 
pey,  and  my  little  lap-dog  Diana,  whom  I  had  brought 
with  me  from  Philadelphia.  It  was  not,  however, 
until  late  in  the  afternoon  that  I  fully  succeeded  in  my 
arduous  undertaking.  An  important  event  then  hap- 
pened of  which  the  following  "  Blackwood  "  article,  in 
the  tone  heterogeneous,  is  the  substance  and  result. 


211 


ARTICLE   FOR   BLACKWOOD 

A   PREDICAMENT 

What  chance,  good  lady,  hath  bereft  you  thus  ? 

Milton:    Comui. 

It  was  a  quiet  and  still  afternoon  when  I  strolled 
forth  in  the  goodly  city  of  Edina.  The  confusion  and 
bustle  in  the  streets  were  terrible.  Men  were  talking. 
Women  were  screaming.  Children  were  choking. 
Pigs  were  whistling.  Carts,  they  rattled.  Bulls,  they 
bellowed.  Cows,  they  lowed.  Horses,  they  neighed. 
Cats,  they  caterwauled.  Dogs,  they  danced.  Danced! 
Could  it  then  be  possible  ?  Danced  I  Alas,  thought 
I,  my  dancing  days  are  over  !  Thus  it  is  ever.  What 
a  host  of  gloomy  recollections  will  ever  and  anon  be 
awakened  in  the  mind  of  genius  and  imaginative  con- 
templation, especially  of  a  genius  doomed  to  the  ever- 
lasting, and  eternal,  and  continual,  and,  as  one  might 
say,  the  —  continued — yes,  the  continued  and  con- 
tinuous^ bitter,  harassing,  disturbing,  and,  if  I  may  be 
allowed  the  expression,  the  very  disturbing  influence 
of  the  serene,  and  godlike,  and  heavenly,  and  exalting, 
and  elevated,  and  purifying  effect  of  what  may  be 
rightly  termed  the  most  enviable,  the  most  truly  en- 
viable —  nay !  the  most  benignly  beautiful,  the  most 
deliciously  ethereal,  and,  as  it  were,  the  most  pretty 
(if  I  may  use  so  bold  an  expression)  thing  (pardon 
me,  gentle  reader!)  in  the  world  —  but  I  am  always 

212 


ARTICLE  FOR   BLACKWOOD 

led  away  by  my  feelings.  In  such  a  mind,  I  repeat, 
what  a  host  of  recollections  are  stirred  up  by  a  trifle  ! 
The  dogs  danced  !  / —  I  could  not !  They  frisked 
—  I  wept.  They  capered  —  I  sobbed  aloud.  Touch- 
ing circumstances  !  which  cannot  fail  to  bring  to  the 
recollection  of  the  classical  reader  that  exquisite  pas- 
sage in  relation  to  the  fitness  of  things,  which  is  to  be 
found  in  the  commencement  of  the  third  volume  of 
that  admirable  and  venerable  Chinese  novel,  the  Jo- 
Go-Slow. 

In  my  solitary  walk  through  the  city  I  had  two 
humble  but  faithful  companions.  Diana,  my  poodle  ! 
sweetest  of  creatures  !  She  had  a  quantity  of  hair 
over  her  one  eye,  and  a  blue  riband  tied  fashionably 
around  her  neck.  Diana  was  not  more  than  five 
inches  in  height,  but  her  head  was  somewhat  bigger 
than  her  body,  and  her  tail,  being  cut  off  exceedingly 
close,  gave  an  air  of  injured  innocence  to  the  interest- 
ing animal  which  rendered  her  a  favorite  with  all. 

And  Pompey,  my  negro  !  —  sweet  Pompey  !  how 
shall  I  ever  forget  thee  ?  I  had  taken  Pompey's  arm. 
He  was  three  feet  in  height  (I  like  to  be  particular) 
and  about  seventy,  or  perhaps  eighty,  years  of  age. 
He  had  bow-legs  and  was  corpulent.  His  mouth 
should  not  be  called  small,  nor  his  ears  short.  His 
teeth,  however,  were  like  pearl,  and  his  large  full  eyes 
were  deliciously  white.  Nature  had  endowed  him 
with  no  neck,  and  had  placed  his  ankles  (as  usual 
with  that  race)  in  the  middle  of  the  upper  portion  of 
the  feet.  He  was  clad  with  a  striking  simplicity. 
His  sole  garments  were  a  stock  of  nine  inches  in 
height,  and  a  nearly  new  drab  overcoat  which  had 
formerly  been  in  the  service  of  the  tall,  stately,  and 
illustrious  Dr.  Moneypenny.  It  was  a  good  overcoat. 
213 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

It  was  well  cut.  It  was  well  made.  The  coat  was 
nearly  new.  Pompey  held  it  up  out  of  the  dirt  with 
both  hands. 

There  were  three  persons  in  our  party,  and  two  of 
them  have  already  been  the  subject  of  remark.  There 
was  a  third  —  that  third  person  was  myself.  I  am  the 
Signora  Psyche  Zenobia.  I  am  not  Suky  Snobbs. 
My  appearance  is  commanding.  On  the  memorable 
occasion  of  which  I  speak  I  was  habited  in  a  crimson 
satin  dress,  with  a  sky-blue  Arabian  mantelet.  And 
the  dress  had  trimmings  of  green  agraffas^  and  seven 
graceful  flounces  of  the  orange-coiored  auriculas.  I 
thus  formed  the  third  of  the  party.  There  was  the 
poodle.  There  was  Pompey.  There  was  myself. 
We  were  three.  Thus  it  is  said  there  were  originally 
but  three  Furies  —  Melty,  Nimmy,  and  Hetty  —  Medi- 
tation, Memory,  and  Fiddling. 

Leaning  upon  the  arm  of  the  gallant  Pompey,  and 
attended  at  a  respectful  distance  by  Diana,  I  proceeded 
down  one  of  the  populous  and  very  pleasant  streets  of 
the  now  deserted  Edina.  On  a  sudden,  there  pre- 
sented itself  to  view  a  church  —  a  Gothic  cathedral  — 
vast,  venerable,  and  with  a  tall  steeple,  which  towered 
into  the  sky.  What  madness  now  possessed  me? 
Why  did  I  rush  upon  my  fate?  I  was  seized  with  an 
uncontrollable  desire  to  ascend  the  giddy  pinnacle,  and 
thence  survey  the  immense  extent  of  the  city.  The 
door  of  the  cathedral  stood  invitingly  open.  My 
destiny  prevailed.  I  entered  the  ominous  archway. 
Where  then  was  my  guardian  angel?  —  if  indeed 
such  angels  there  be.  If  I  Distressing  monosylla- 
ble !  what  a  world  of  mystery,  and  meaning,  and 
doubt,  and  uncertainty  is  there  involved  in  thy  two 
letters  1  I  entered  the  ominous  archway  !  I  entered ; 
214 


ARTICLE  FOR   BLACKWOOD 

and,  without  injury  to  my  orange-colored  auriculas^  I 
passed  beneath  the  portal,  and  emerged  within  the 
vestibule.  Thus  it  is  said  the  immense  river  Alfred 
passed,  unscathed,  and  unwetted,  beneath  the  sea. 

I  thought  the  staircases  would  never  have  an  end. 
Round'.  Yes,  they  went  round  and  up,  and  round 
and  up  and  round  and  up,  until  I  could  not  help  sur- 
mising, with  the  sagacious  Pompey,  upon  whose  sup- 
porting arm  I  leaned  in  all  the  confidence  of  early 
affection  —  I  could  not  help  surmising  that  the  upper 
end  of  the  continuous  spiral  ladder  had  been  acci- 
dentally, or  perhaps  designedly,  removed.  I  paused 
for  breath  ;  and,  in  the  mean  time,  an  incident  oc- 
curred of  too  momentous  a  nature  in  a  moral,  and 
also  in  a  metaphysical,  point  of  view,  to  be  passed 
over  without  notice.  It  appeared  to  me  —  indeed  I 
was  quite  confident  of  the  fact  —  I  could  not  be  mis- 
taken—  no  !  I  had,  for  some  moments,  carefully  and 
anxiously  observed  the  motions  of  my  Diana — I  say 
that  /  could  not  be  mistaken  —  Diana  sineli  a  rat! 
At  once  I  called  Pompey's  attention  to  the  subject, 
and  he  —  he  agreed  with  me.  There  was  then  no 
longer  any  reasonable  room  for  doubt.  The  rat  had 
been  smelled  —  and  by  Diana.  Heavens!  shall  I  ever 
forget  the  intense  excitement  of  that  moment.'*  Alas! 
what  is  the  boasted  intellect  of  man  ?  The  rat !  —  it 
was  there  —  that  is  to  say,  it  was  somewhere.  Diana 
smelled  the  rat.  I  —  /  could  not !  Thus  it  is  said 
the  Prussian  Isis  has,  for  some  persons,  a  sweet  and 
very  powerful  perfume,  while  to  others  it  is  perfectly 
scentless. 

The  staircase  had  been  surmounted,  and  there  were 
now  only  three  or  four  more  upward  steps  intervening 
between  us  and  the  summit.  We  still  ascended,  and 
215 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND   CAPRICE 

now  only  one  step  remained.  One  step  !  One  little, 
little  step !  Upon  one  such  little  step  in  the  great 
staircase  of  human  life  how  vast  a  sum  of  human 
happiness  or  misery  often  depends !  I  thought  of 
myself,  then  of  Pompey,  and  then  of  the  mysterious 
and  inexplicable  destiny  which  surrounded  us.  I 
thought  of  Pompey !  —  alas,  I  thought  of  love  !  I 
thought  of  the  many  false  steps  which  have  been 
taken,  and  may  be  taken  again.  I  resolved  to  be 
more  cautious,  more  reserved.  I  abandoned  the  arm 
of  Pompey,  and,  without  his  assistance,  surmounted 
the  one  remaining  step  and  gained  the  chamber  of 
the  belfry.  I  was  followed  immediately  afterwards 
by  my  poodle.  Pom.pey  alone  remained  behind.  I 
stood  at  the  head  of  the  staircase,  and  encouraged 
him  to  ascend.  He  stretched  forth  to  me  his  hand, 
and  unfortunately  in  so  doing  was  forced  to  abandon 
his  firm  hold  upon  the  overcoat.  Will  the  gods  never 
cease  their  persecution  ?  The  overcoat  it  dropped, 
and,  with  one  of  his  feet,  Pompey  stepped  upon  the 
long  and  trailing  skirt  of  the  overcoat.  He  stumbled 
and  fell — this  consequence  was  inevitable.  He  fell 
forwards,  and,  with  his  accursed  head,  striking  me 
full  in  the  —  in  the  breast,  precipitated  me  headlong, 
together  with  himself,  upon  the  hard,  filthy,  and  de- 
testable floor  of  the  belfry.  But  my  revenge  was  sure, 
sudden,  and  complete.  Seizing  him  furiously  by  the 
wool  with  both  hands,  I  tore  out  a  vast  quantity  of 
the  black,  and  crisp,  and  curling  material,  and  tossed 
it  from  me  with  every  manifestation  of  disdain.  It 
fell  among  the  ropes  of  the  belfry  and  remained. 
Pompey  arose,  and  said  no  word.  But  he  regarded 
me  piteously  with  his  large  eyes  and  —  sighed.  Ye 
gods — that  sigh!  It  sunk  into  my  heart.  And  the 
216 


ARTICLE   FOR   BLACKWOOD 

hair  — the  wool!  Could  I  have  reached  that  wool 
I  would  have  bathed  it  with  my  tears,  in  testimony 
of  regret.  But  alas !  it  was  now  far  beyond  my 
grasp.  As  it  dangled  among  the  cordage  of  the  bell, 
I  fancied  it  still  alive.  I  fancied  that  it  stood  on  end 
with  indignation.  Thus  the  happy  dandy  Flos  Aeris 
of  Java  bears,  it  is  said,  a  beautiful  flower,  which 
will  live  when  pulled  up  by  the  roots.  The  natives 
suspend  it  by  a  cord  from  the  ceiling  and  enjoy  its 
fragrance  for  years. 

Our  quarrel  was  now  made  up,  and  we  looked  about 
the  room  for  an  aperture  through  which  to  survey  the 
city  of  Edina.  Windows  there  were  none.  The  sole 
light  admitted  into  the  gloomy  chamber  proceeded 
from  a  square  opening,  about  a  foot  in  diameter,  at 
a  height  of  about  seven  feet  from  the  floor.  Yet 
what  will  the  energy  of  true  genius  not  effect  ?  I  re- 
solved to  clamber  up  to  this  hole.  A  vast  quantity 
of  wheels,  pinions,  and  other  cabalistic  looking 
machinery  stood  opposite  the  hole,  close  to  it;  and 
through  the  hole  there  passed  an  iron  rod  from  the 
machinery.  Between  the  wheels  and  the  wall  where 
the  hole  lay  there  was  barely  room  for  my  body  — 
yet  I  was  desperate,  and  determined  to  persevere. 
I  called  Pompey  to  my  side. 

"  You  perceive  that  aperture,  Pompey.  I  wish  to 
look  through  it.  You  will  stand  here  just  beneath 
the  hole — so.  Now,  hold  out  one  of  your  hands, 
Pompey,  and  let  me  step  upon  it  —  thus.  Now,  the 
other  hand,  Pompey,  and  with  its  aid  I  will  get  upon 
your  shoulders." 

He  did  everything  I  wished,  and  I  found,  upon  get- 
ting up,  that  I  could  easily  pass  my  head  and  neck 
through  the  aperture.  The  prospect  was  sublime. 
217 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

Nothing  could  be  more  magnificent.  I  merely  paused 
a  moment  to  bid  Diana  behave  herself,  and  assure 
Pompey  that  I  would  be  considerate  and  bear  as 
lightly  as  possible  upon  his  shoulders.  I  told  him  I 
would  be  tender  of  his  feelings  —  ossi  terider  que 
beefsteak.  Having  done  this  justice  to  my  faithful 
friend,  I  gave  myself  up  with  great  zest  and  enthu- 
siasm to  the  enjoyment  of  the  scene  which  so  oblig- 
ingly spread  itself  out  before  my  eyes. 

Upon  this  subject,  however,  I  shall  forbear  to 
dilate.  I  will  not  describe  the  city  of  Edinburgh. 
Every  one  has  been  to  Edinburgh — the  classic 
Edina.  I  will  confine  myself  to  the  momentous  de- 
tails of  my  own  lamentable  adventure.  Having  in 
some  measure  satisfied  my  curiosity  in  regard  to  the 
extent,  situation,  and  general  appearance  of  the  city, 
I  had  leisure  to  survey  the  church  in  which  I  was, 
and  the  delicate  architecture  of  the  steeple.  I  ob- 
served that  the  aperture  through  which  I  had  thrust 
my  head  was  an  opening  in  the  dial-plate  of  a  gigantic 
clock,  and  must  have  appeared,  from  the  street,  as  a 
large  keyhole,  such  as  we  see  in  the  face  of  French 
watches.  No  doubt  the  true  object  was  to  admit  the 
arm  of  an  attendant,  to  adjust,  when  necessary,  the 
hands  of  the  clock  from  within.  I  observed  also, 
with  surprise,  the  immense  size  of  these  hands,  the 
longest  of  which  could  not  have  been  less  than  ten 
feet  in  length,  and,  where  broadest,  eight  or  nine 
inches  in  breadth.  They  were  of  sohd  steel  appar- 
ently, and  their  edges  appeared  to  be  sharp.  Having 
noticed  these  particulars,  and  some  others,  I  again 
turned  my  eyes  upon  the  glorious  prospect  below,  and 
soon  became  absorbed  in  contemplation. 

From  this,  after  some  minutes,  I  was  aroused  by 
218 


ARTICLE    FOR   BLACKWOOD 

the  voice  of  Pompey,  who  declared  he  could  stand  it 
no  longer,  and  requested  that  I  would  be  so  kind  as 
to  come  down.  This  was  unreasonable,  and  I  told 
him  so  in  a  speech  of  some  length.  He  replied,  but 
with  an  evident  misunderstanding  of  my  ideas  upon 
the  subject.  I  accordingly  grew  angry,  and  told  him, 
in  plain  words,  that  he  was  a  fool,  that  he  had  com- 
mitted an  ignoramus  e-c!ench-eye,  that  his  notions 
were  mere  inso?nmary  Bovis^  and  his  words  little 
better  than  an  emiemywerrybor'e?n.  With  this  he 
appeared  satisfied,  and  I  resumed  my  contemplations. 
It  might  have  been  half  an  hour  after  this  alterca- 
tion when,  as  I  was  deeply  absorbed  in  the  heavenly 
scenery  beneath  me,  I  was  startled  by  something  very 
cold  which  pressed  with  a  gentle  pressure  upon  the 
back  of  my  neck.  It  is  needless  to  say  that  I  felt 
inexpressibly  alarmed.  I  knew  that  Pompey  was 
beneath  my  feet,  and  that  Diana  was  sitting,  accord- 
ing to  my  explicit  directions,  upon  her  hind  legs  in 
the  farthest  corner  of  the  room.  What  could  it  be? 
Alas  !  I  but  too  soon  discovered.  Turning  my  head 
gently  to  one  side,  1  perceived,  to  my  extreme  horror, 
that  the  huge,  glittering,  cimeter-like  minute-hand  of 
the  clock  had,  in  the  course  of  its  hourly  revolution, 
descended  tipon  7ny  neck.  There  was,  I  knew,  not  a 
second  to  be  lost.  I  pulled  back  at  once  —  but  it 
was  too  late.  There  was  no  chance  of  forcing  my 
head  through  the  mouth  of  that  terrible  trap  in  which 
it  was  so  fairly  caught,  and  which  grew  narrower  and 
narrower  with  a  rapidity  too  horrible  to  be  conceived. 
The  agony  of  that  moment  is  not  to  be  imagined. 
I  threw  up  my  hands  and  endeavored,  with  all  my 
strength,  to  force  upward  the  ponderous  iron  bar.  I 
might  as  well  have  tried  to  lift  the  cathedral  itself. 
219 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

Down,  down,  down  it  came,  closer  and  yet  closer.  I 
screamed  to  Pompey  for  aid  ;  but  he  said  that  I  had 
hurt  his  feelings  by  calling  him  "an  ignorant  old 
squint  eye."  I  yelled  to  Diana;  but  she  only  said 
"  bow-wow-wow,"  and  that  "  I  had  told  her  on  no 
account  to  stir  from  the  corner."  Thus  I  had  no 
relief  to  expect  from  my  associates. 

Meantime  the  ponderous  and  terrific  Scythe  of  Time 
(for  I  now  discovered  the  Hteral  import  of  that  classi- 
cal phrase)  had  not  stopped,  nor  was  it  likely  to  stop, 
in  its  career.  Down  and  still  down,  it  came.  It  had 
already  buried  its  sharp  edge  a  full  inch  in  my  flesh, 
and  my  sensations  grew  indistinct  and  confused.  At 
one  time  I  fancied  myself  in  Philadelphia  with  the 
stately  Dr.  Moneypenny,  at  another  in  the  back  par 
lor  of  Mr.  Blackwood  receiving  his  invaluable  in- 
structions. And  then  again  the  sweet  recollection  of 
better  and  earlier  times  came  over  me,  and  I  thought 
of  that  happy  period  when  the  world  was  not  all  a 
desert,  and  Pompey  not  altogether  cruel. 

The  ticking  of  the  machinery  amused  me.  Amused 
me,  I  say,  for  my  sensations  now  bordered  upon  per- 
fect happiness,  and  the  most  trifling  circumstances 
afforded  me  pleasure.  The  eternal  click-clack,  click- 
clack,  click-clack,  of  the  clock  was  the  most  melodious 
of  music  in  my  ears,  and  occasionally  even  put  me 
in  mind  of  the  grateful  sermonic  harangues  of  Dr. 
Ollapod.  Then  there  were  the  great  figures  upon  the 
dial-plate  —  how  intelligent,  how  intellectual,  they  all 
looked!  And  presently  they  took  to  dancing  the 
Mazurka,  and  I  think  it  was  the  figure  V  who 
performed  the  most  to  my  satisfaction.  She  was 
evidently  a  lady  of  breeding.  None  of  your  swag- 
gerers, and  nothing  at  all  indelicate  in  her  motions. 
220 


ARTICLE   FOR   BLACKWOOD 


ARTICLE   FOR   BLACKWOOD 

She  did  the  pirouette  to  admiration  —  whirling  round 
upon  her  apex.  I  made  an  endeavor  to  hand  her  a 
chair,  for  I  saw  that  she  appeared  fatigued  with  her 
exertions,  and  it  was  not  until  then  that  I  fully  per- 
ceived my  lamentable  situation.  Lamentable  indeed! 
The  bar  had  buried  itself  two  inches  in  my  neck.  I 
was  aroused  to  a  sense  of  exquisite  pain.  I  prayed 
for  death,  and,  in  the  agony  of  the  moment,  could 
not  help  repeating  those  exquisite  verses  of  the  poet 
Miguel  De  Cervantes  :  — 

"  Vanny  Buren,  tan  escondida 
Query  no  te  senty  venny 
Pork  and  pleasure,  delly  morry 
Nommy,  torny,  darry,  widdy  !  " 

But  now  a  new  horror  presented  itself,  and  one 
indeed  sufficient  to  startle  the  strongest  nerves.  My 
eyes,  from  the  cruel  pressure  of  the  machine,  were 
absolutely  starting  from  their  sockets.  While  I  was 
thinking  how  I  should  possibly  manage  without  them, 
one  actually  tumbled  out  of  my  head,  and,  rolling 
down  the  steep  side  of  the  steeple,  lodged  in  the  rain 
gutter  which  ran  along  the  eaves  of  the  main  build- 
ing. The  loss  of  the  eye  was  not  so  much  as  the 
insolent  air  of  independence  and  contempt  with  which 
it  regarded  me  after  it  was  out.  There  it  lay  In  the 
gutter  just  under  my  nose,  and  the  airs  it  gave  itself 
would  have  been  ridiculous  had  they  not  been  dis- 
gusting. Such  a  winking  and  blinking  were  never 
before  seen.  This  behavior  on  the  part  of  my  eye  in 
the  gutter  was  not  only  irritating  on  account  of  its 
manifest  insolence  and  shameful  ingratitude,  but  was 
also  exceedingly  inconvenient  on  account  of  the  sym- 
pathy which  always  exists  between  two  eyes  of  the 
same  head,  however  far  apart.     I  was  forced,  in  a 

221 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

manner,  to  wink  and  to  blink,  whether  I  would  or  not, 
in  exact  concert  with  the  scoundrelly  thing  that  lay- 
just  under  my  nose.  I  was  presently  relieved,  how- 
ever, by  the  dropping  out  of  the  other  eye.  In  falling 
it  took  the  same  direction  (possibly  a  concerted  plot) 
as  its  fellow.  Both  rolled  out  of  the  gutter  together, 
and  in  truth  I  was  very  glad  to  get  rid  of  them. 

The  bar  was  now  four  inches  and  a  half  deep  in 
my  neck,  and  there  was  only  a  little  bit  of  skin  to 
cut  through.  My  sensations  were  those  of  entire 
happiness,  for  I  felt  that  in  a  few  minutes,  at  farthest, 
I  should  be  relieved  from  my  disagreeable  situation. 
And  in  this  expectation  I  was  not  at  all  deceived. 
At  twenty-five  minutes  past  five  in  the  afternoon 
precisely,  the  huge  minute-hand  had  proceeded  suffi- 
ciently far  on  its  terrible  revolution  to  sever  the 
small  remainder  of  my  neck.  I  was  not  sorry  to  see 
the  head  which  had  occasioned  me  so  much  embar- 
rassment at  length  make  a  final  separation  from  my 
body.  It  first  rolled  down  the  side  of  the  steeple, 
then  lodged,  for  a  few  seconds,  in  the  gutter,  and  then 
made  its  way,  with  a  plunge,  into  the  middle  of  the 
street. 

I  will  candidly  confess  that  my  feelings  were  now 
of  the  most  singular — nay,  of  the  most  mysterious, 
the  most  perplexing  and  incomprehensible  character. 
My  senses  were  here  and  there  at  one  and  the  same 
moment.  With  my  head  I  imagined,  at  one  time,  that 
I,  the  head,  was  the  real  Signora  Psyche  Zenobia  — 
at  another  I  felt  convinced  that  myself,  the  body,  was 
the  proper  identity.  To  clear  my  ideas  upon  this  topic 
I  felt  in  my  pocket  for  my  snuff-box,  but,  upon  getting 
it,  and  endeavoring  to  apply  a  pinch  of  its  grateful 
contents  in  the  ordinary  manner,  I  became  immedi- 


ARTICLE  FOR  BLACKWOOD 

ately  aware  of  my  peculiar  deficiency,  and  threw  the 
box  at  once  down  to  my  head.  It  took  a  pinch  with 
great  satisfaction,  and  smiled  me  an  acknowledgment 
in  return.  Shortly  afterwards  it  made  me  a  speech, 
which  I  could  hear  but  indistinctly  without  ears.  I 
gathered  enough,  however,  to  know  that  it  was  aston- 
ished at  my  wishing  to  remain  alive  under  such  cir- 
cumstances. In  the  concluding  sentences  it  quoted 
the  noble  words  of  Ariosto  — 

''  II  pover  hommy  che  non  sera  corty 
And  have  a  combat  tenty  erry  morty  ; " 

thus  comparing  me  to  the  hero  who,  in  the  heat  of  the 
combat,  not  perceiving  that  he  was  dead,  continued  to 
contest  the  battle  with  inextinguishable  valor.  There 
was  nothing  now  to  prevent  my  getting  down  from  my 
elevation,  and  I  did  so.  What  it  was  that  Pompey 
saw  so  very  peculiar  in  my  appearance  I  have  never 
yet  been  able  to  find  out.  The  fellow  opened  his 
mouth  from  ear  to  ear,  and  shut  his  two  eyes  as  if  he 
were  endeavoring  to  crack  nuts  between  the  lids. 
Finally,  throwing  off  his  overcoat,  he  made  one  spring 
for  the  staircase  and  disappeared.  I  hurled  after  the 
scoundrel  those  vehement  words  of  Demosthenes  — 

"Andrew  O'Phlegethon,  you  really  make  haste  to  fly," 

and  then  turned  to  the  darling  of  my  heart,  to  the  one- 
eyed,  the  shaggy-haired  Diana.  Alas  !  what  a  horrible 
vision  affronted  my  eyes !  Was  that  a  rat  I  saw 
skulking  into  his  hole?  ^r^  these  the  picked  bones 
of  the  little  angel  who  has  been  cruelly  devoured  by 
the  monster?  Ye  gods!  and  what  do  I  behold  —  is 
that  the  departed  spirit,  the  shade,  the  ghost  of  my 
beloved  puppy,  which  I  perceive  sitting  with  a  grace 
223 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

SO  melancholy  in  the  corner?  Hearken !  for  she  speaks, 
and,  heavens  !  it  is  in  the  German  of  Schiller  — 

"  Unt  stubby  duk,  so  stubby  dun 
Duk  she !  duk  she !  " 

Alas  !  and  are  not  her  words  too  true  ? 

"  And  if  I  died  at  least  I  died 
For  thee  —  for  thee." 

Sweet  creature  !  she  too  has  sacrificed  herself  in  my 
behalf.  Dogless,  niggerless,  headless,  what  now  re- 
mains for  the  unhappy  Signora  Psyche  Zenobia  ?  Alas 
—  nothing  I     I  have  done. 


224 


X-ING   A   PARAGRAB 


J\  S  it  is  well  known  that  the  "  wise  men "  came 
"from  the  East,"  and  as  Mr.  Touch-and-go  Bullet- 
head  came  from  the  East,  it  follows  that  Mr  Bullet- 
head  was  a  wise  man  ;  and  if  collateral  proof  of  the 

matter  be  needed,  here  we  have  it  —  Mr.  B was  an 

editor.  Irascibility  was  his  sole  foible;  for  in  fact  the 
obstinacy  of  which  men  accused  him  was  anything  but 
his  foible,  since  he  justly  considered  it  his  forte.  It 
was  his  strong  point  —  his  virtue;  and  it  would  have 
required  all  the  logic  of  a  Brownson  to  convince  him 
that  it  was  "  anything  else." 

I  have  shown  that  Touch-and-go  Bullet-head  was  a 
wise  man ;  and  the  only  occasion  on  which  he  did  not 
prove  infallible  was  when,  abandoning  that  legitimate 
home  for  all  wise  men,  the  East,  he  migrated  to  the 
city  of  Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis,  or  some  place 
of  a  similar  title,  out  West. 

I  must  do  him  the  justice  to  say,  however,  that  when 
he  made  up  his  mind  finally  to  settle  in  that  town  it 
was  under  the  impression  that  no  newspaper,  and  con- 
sequently no  editor,  existed  in  that  particular  section 
of  the  country.  In  establishing  the  "  Tea-Pot,"  he 
expected  to  have  the  field  all  to  himself.  I  feel  con- 
fident he  never  would  have  dreamed  of  taking  up  his 
residence  in  Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis  had  he  been 
VOL.  IV.  —  15  225 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

aware  that  in  Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis  there  lived 
a  gentleman  named  John  Smith  (if  I  rightly  remem- 
ber), who,  for  many  years,  had  there  quietly  grown  fat 
in  editing  and  publishing  the  "  Alexander-the-Great-o- 
nopolis  Gazette."  It  was  solely,  therefore,  on  ac- 
count of  having  been  misinformed,  that  Mr.  Bullet- 
head  found  himself  in  Alex  —  suppose  we  call  it 
Nopolis,  "  for  short  "  —  but,  as  he  did  find  himself 
there,  he  determined  to  keep  up  his  character  for 
obst —  for  firmness,  and  remain.  So  remain  he  did  ; 
and  he  did  more ;  he  unpacked  his  press,  type,  etc., 
etc.,  rented  an  office  exactly  opposite  to  that  of  the 
"  Gazette,"  and,  on  the  third  morning  after  his  arrival, 
issued  the  first  number  of  the  "  Alexan"  —  that  is  to 
say,  of  the  "  Nopolis  Tea-Pot :  "  —  as  nearly  as  I  can 
recollect,  this  was  the  name  of  the  new  paper. 

The  leading  article,  I  must  admit,  was  brilliant,  not 
to  say  severe.  It  was  especially  bitter  about  things 
in  general  —  and  as  for  the  editor  of  the  "  Gazette," 
he  was  torn  all  to  pieces  in  particular.  Some 
of  Bullet-head's  remarks  were  really  so  fiery  that 
I  have  always,  since  that  time,  been  forced  to  look 
upon  John  Smith,  who  is  still  alive,  in  the  light  of  a 
salamander.  I  cannot  pretend  to  give  all  the  "  Tea- 
Pot's  "  paragraphs  verbatim^  but  one  of  them  ran 
thus :  — 

"Oh,  yes! — Oh,  we  perceive!  Oh,  no  doubt! 
The  editor  over  the  way  is  a  genius  —  Oh,  my !  Oh, 
goodness,  gracious  !  —  What  is  this  world  coming  to? 
O  tempora  /      O  Moses  I  " 

A  philippic,  at  once  so    caustic   and   so  classical, 

alighted  like  a  bombshell  among  the  hitherto  peaceful 

citizens  of  Nopolis.     Groups  of   excited   individuals 

gathered  at  the   corners  of  the  streets.     Every  one 

226 


X-ING   A   PARAGRAB 

awaited,  with  heartfelt  anxiety,  the  reply  of  the  digni- 
fied Smith.     Next  morning  it  appeared,  as  follows  : 

"  We  quote  from  the  '  Tea-Pot '  of  yesterday  the  sub- 
joined paragraph  :  —  '  Oh^  yes  !  —  Oh,  we  perceive  ! 
Oh^  no  doubt  !  Oh,  my  !  Oh,  goodness !  O  tem- 
poral O  Moses!'  Why,  the  fellow  is  all  O!  That 
accounts  for  his  reasoning  in  a  circle,  and  explains 
why  there  is  neither  beginning  nor  end  to  him,  nor  to 
anything  that  he  says.  We  really  do  not  believe  the 
vagabond  can  write  a  word  that  has  n't  an  o  in  it 
Wonder  if  this  6>-ing  is  a  habit  of  his  ?  By  the  bye, 
he  came  away  from  Down-East  in  a  great  hurry. 
Wonder  if  he  O's  as  much  there  as  he  does  here  ? 
'O!  it  is  pitiful.'" 

The  indignation  of  Mr.  Bullet-head  at  these  scan- 
dalous insinuations  I  shall  not  attempt  to  describe. 
On  the  eel-skinning  principle,  however,  he  did  not 
seem  to  be  so  much  incensed  at  the  attack  upon  his 
integrity  as  one  might  have  imagined.  It  was  the 
sneer  at  his  style  that  drove  him  to  desperation. 
What !  —  he,  Touch-and-go  Bullet-head  !  —  not  able  to 
write  a  word  without  an  ^  in  it !  He  would  soon  let 
the  jackanapes  see  that  he  was  mistaken.  Yes!  he 
would  let  him  see  how  imich  he  was  mistaken,  the 
puppy  !  He,  Touch-and-go  Bullet-head,  of  Frogpon- 
dium,  would  let  Mr.  John  Smith  perceive  that  he, 
Bullet-head,  could  indite,  if  it  so  pleased  him,  a  whole 
paragraph  —  ay  !  a  whole  article  —  in  which  that  con- 
temptible vowel  should  not  once  —  not  even  once  — 
make  its  appearance.  But  no ;  —  that  would  be  yield- 
ing a  point  to  the  said  John  Smith.  He,  Bullet-head, 
would  make  no  alteration  in  his  style,  to  suit  the 
caprices  of  any  Mr.  Smith  in  Christendom.  Perish 
so  vile  a  thought!  The  O  forever!  He  would  per- 
227 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

sist  in  the  (9.  He  would  be  as  (7-wy  as  (9-wy  could 
be. 

Burning  with  the  chivalry  of  this  determination,  the 
great  Touch-and-go,  in  the  next  "  Tea-Pot,"  came  out 
merely  with  this  simple  but  resolute  paragraph  in 
reference  to  this  unhappy  affair  :  — 

"  The  editor  of  the  '  Tea-Pot '  has  the  honor  oi  advis- 
ing the  editor  of  the  '  Gazette  '  that  he  (the '  Tea-Pot ') 
will  take  an  opportunity  in  to-morrow  morning's  paper 
of  convincing  him  (the  '  Gazette  ')  that  he  (the  '  Tea- 
Pot  ')  both  can  and  will  be  his  own  master,  as  regards 
style;  —  he  (the  'Tea-Pot')  intending  to  show  him 
(the  '  Gazette ')  the  supreme,  and  indeed  the  wither- 
ing, contempt  with  which  the  criticism  of  him  (the 
'  Gazette ')  inspires  the  independent  bosom  of  him 
(the  '  Tea-Pot '),  by  composing  for  the  especial  grati- 
fication (?)  of  him  (the  'Gazette')  a  leading  article, 
of  some  extent,  in  which  the  beautiful  vowel  —  the 
emblem  of  Eternity,  yet  so  offensive  to  the  hyper- 
exquisite  delicacy  of  him  (the  'Gazette') — shall 
most  certainly  not  be  avoided hy  his  (the  '  Gazette's') 
most  obedient,  humble  servant,  the  '  Tea-Pot.'  '  So 
much  for  Buckingham  ! '  " 

In  fulfilment  of  the  awful  threat  thus  darkly  inti- 
mated rather  than  decidedly  enunciated,  the  great 
Bullet-head,  turning  a  deaf  ear  to  all  entreaties  for 
"  copy,"  and  simply  requesting  his  foreman  to  "  go 
to  the  d — 1,"  when  he  (the  foreman)  assured  him 
(the  "  Tea-Pot ! ")  that  it  was  high  time  to  "  go  to 
press ; "  turning  a  deaf  ear  to  everything,  I  say,  the 
great  Bullet-head  sat  up  until  daybreak,  consuming 
the  midnight  oil,  and  absorbed  in  the  composition  of 
the  really  unparalleled  paragraph  which  follows  :  — 

"  So  ho,  John  !  how  now  ?  Told  you  so,  you  know. 
228 


X-ING   A   PARAGRAB 

Don't  crow,  another  time,  before  you  're  out  of  the 
woods  !  Does  your  mother  know  you  're  out  ?  Oh, 
no,  no  !  —  so  go  home  at  once,  now,  John,  to  your 
odious  old  woods  of  Concord !  Go  home  to  your 
woods,  old  owl,  —  go  !  You  won't  ?  Oh,  poh,  poh, 
John,  don't  do  so !  You  've  got  to  go,  you  know ! 
So  go  at  once,  and  don't  go  slow ;  for  nobody  owns 
you  here,  you  know.  Oh,  John,  John,  if  you  donH  go 
you  're  no  hotno  —  no  !  You  're  only  a  fowl,  an  owl ; 
a  cow,  a  sow ;  a  doll,  a  poll ;  a  poor,  old,  good-for- 
nothing-to-nobody,  log,  dog,  hog,  or  frog,  come  out  of 
a  Concord  bog.  Cool,  now  —  cool !  Do  be  cool,  you 
fool  !  None  of  your  crowing,  old  cock  !  Don't  frown 
so  —  don't!  Don't  hollo,  nor  howl,  nor  growl,  nor 
bow-wow-wow  !  Good  Lord,  John,  how  you  do  look  ! 
Told  you  so,  you  know  —  but  stop  rolling  your  goose 
of  an  old  poll  about  so,  and  go  and  drown  your  sor- 
rows in  a  bowl !  " 

Exhausted,  very  naturally,  by  so  stupendous  an 
effort,  the  great  Touch-and-go  could  attend  to  nothing 
farther  that  night.  Firmly,  composedly,  yet  with  an 
air  of  conscious  power,  he  handed  his  MS.  to  the 
devil  in  waiting,  and  then,  walking  leisurely  home, 
retired  with  ineffable  dignity  to  bed. 

Meantime  the  devil,  to  whom  the  copy  was  intrusted, 
ran  upstairs  to  his  "case,"  in  an  unutterable  hurry, 
and  forthwith  made  a  commencement  at  "setting" 
the  MS.  "up." 

In  the  first  place,  of  course,  —  as  the  opening 
word  was  "  So,"  —  he  made  a  plunge  into  the  capital- 
S  hole  and  came  out  in  triumph  with  a  capital-^*. 
Elated  by  this  success,  he  immediately  threw  himself 
upon  the  little-*?  box  with  a  blindfold  impetuosity  — 
but  who  shall  describe  his  horror  when  his  fingers 
229 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

came  up  without  the  anticipated  letter  in  their  clutch  ? 
who  shall  paint  his  astonishment  and  rage  at  perceiv- 
ing, as  he  rubbed  his  knuckles,  that  he  had  been  only 
thumping  them,  to  no  purpose,  against  the  bottom  of 
an  empty  box.  Not  a  single  little-^  was  in  the  little-^ 
hole  ;  and,  glancing  fearfully  at  the  capital-0  partition, 
he  found  that,  to  his  extreme  terror,  in  a  precisely 
similar  predicament.  Awe-stricken,  his  first  impulse 
was  to  rush  to  the  foreman. 

"  Sir !  "  said  he,  gasping  for  breath,  "  I  can't  never 
set  up  nothing  without  no  t?'s." 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  that  ?  "  growled  the  fore- 
man, who  was  in  a  very  ill-humor  at  being  kept  up  so 
late. 

"  Why,  sir,  there  beant  an  o  in  the  office,  neither  a 
big  un  nor  a  little  un  !  " 

''What  —  what  the  d — 1  has  become  of  all  that 
were  in  the  case?" 

"/don't  know,  sir,"  said  the  boy,  "but  one  of  them 
ere  '  G'zette '  devils  is  bin  prowling  bout  here  all  night, 
and  I  spect  he's  gone  and  cabbaged  em  every  one." 

"  Dod  rot  him  !  I  have  n't  a  doubt  of  it,"  replied 
the  foreman,  getting  purple  with  rage  —  "but  I  tell 
you  what  you  do,  Bob,  that 's  a  good  boy  —  you  go 
over  the  first  chance  you  get  and  hook  every  one  of 
their  t's  and  (d — n  them !)  their  izzards." 

"  Jist  so,"  replied  Bob,  with  a  wink  and  a  frown  — 
"/'//  be  into  em,  /'//  let  em  know  a  thing  or  two; 
but  in  de  mean  time,  that  ere  paragrab  ?  Mus  go  in 
to-night,'you  know  —  else  there  '11  be  the  d — 1  to  pay, 
and  —  " 

"And  not  a  bit  of  pitch  hot,"  interrupted  the  fore- 
man, with  a  deep  sigh  and  an  emphasis  on  the  "  bit." 
"  Is  it  a  very  long  paragraph,  Bob  ?  " 
230 


X-ING  A   PARAGRAB 

"Shouldn't  call  it  a  wery  long  paragrab,"  said 
Bob. 

"  Ah,  well,  then !  do  the  best  you  can  with  it !  we 
7nust  get  to  press,"  said  the  foreman,  who  was  over 
head  and  ears  in  work;  "just  stick  in  some  other 
letter  for  o,  nobody 's  going  to  read  the  fellow's  trash, 
anyhow." 

"  IVery  well,"  repHed  Bob,  "here  goes  it!  "  and  off 
he  hurried  to  his  case;  muttering  as  he  went  —  "  Con- 
siddeble  veil,  them  ere  expressions,  perticcler  for  a 
man  as  doesen't  swar.  So  I 's  to  gouge  out  all  their 
eyes,  eh  ?  and  d — n  all  their  gizzards !  Veil !  this 
here  's  the  chap  as  is  jist  able/br  to  do  it"  The  fact 
is  that,  although  Bob  was  but  twelve  years  old  and 
four  feet  high,  he  was  equal  to  any  amount  of  fight, 
in  a  small  way. 

The  exigency  here  described  is  by  no  means  of 
rare  occurrence  in  printing-offices ;  and  I  cannot  tell 
how  to  account  for  it,  but  the  fact  is  indisputable, 
that  w^hen  the  exigency  does  occur,  it  almost  always 
happens  that  x  is  adopted  as  a  substitute  for  the  letter 
deficient.  The  true  reason,  perhaps,  is  that  x  is  rather 
the  most  superabundant  letter  in  the  cases,  or  at  least 
was  so,  in  old  times,  long  enough  to  render  the  sub- 
stitution in  question  an  habitual  thing  with  printers. 
As  for  Bob,  he  would  have  considered  it  heretical  to 
employ  any  other  character,  in  a  case  of  this  kind, 
than  the  ;r  to  which  he  had  been  accustomed. 

"  I  shell  have  to  x  this  ere  paragrab,"  said  he  to 
himself,  as  he  read  it  over  in  astonishment,  "  but  it 's 
jest  about  the  awfulest  ^'-wy  paragrab  I  ever  did 
see;"  so  x  it  he  did,  unflinchingly,  and  to  press  it 
went  x-ed. 

Next  morning  the  population  of  Nopolis  were  taken 
231 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

all  aback  by  reading,  in  "  The  Tea-Pot,"  the  following 
extraordinary  leader :  — 

"  Sx  hx,  Jxhn!  hxvv  nxw  !  Txld  yxu  sx,  yxu  knxw. 
Dxn't  crxw,  anxther  time,  befxre  yxu 're  xut  xf  the 
wxxds  !  Dxes  yxur  mxther  knxw  yxu  're  xut  ?  Xh, 
nx,  nxl  sx  gx  hxme  at  xnce,  nxw,  Jxhn,  tx  yxur 
xdixus  xld  wxxds  xf  Cxncxrd !  Gx  hxme  tx  yxur 
wxxds,  xld  xwl, — gx !  Yxu  wxn't?  Xh,  pxh,  pxh, 
Jxhn,  dxn't  dx  sx  !  Yxu  've  gxt  tx  gx,  yxu  knxw  !  sx 
gx  at  xnce,  and  dxn't  gx  slxw ;  fxr  nxbxdy  xwns  yxu 
here,  yxu  knxw.  Xh,  Jxhn,  Jxhn,  if  yxu  dx7it  gx 
yxu  're  nx  hx7nx  —  nx!  Yxu 're  xnly  a  fxwl,  an  xwl; 
a  cxw,  a  sxw ;  a  dxll,  a  pxll ;  a  pxxr  xld  gxxd-fxr- 
nxthing-tx-nxbxdy  Ixg,  dxg,  hxg,  xr  frxg,  cxme  xut 
xf  a  Cxncxrd  bxg.  Cxxl,  nxw  —  cxxl !  Dx  be  cxxl, 
yxu  fxxl !  Nxne  xf  yxur  crxwing,  xld  cxck  !  Dxn't 
frxwn  sx  —  dxn't!  Dxn't  hxllx,  nxr  hxwl,  nxr  grxwl, 
nxr  bxw-wxw-wxw!  Gxxd  Lxrd,  Jxhn,  hxw  yxu  dx 
Ixxk  !  Txld  yxu  sx,  yxu  knxw,  but  stxp  rxlling  yxur 
gxxse  xf  an  xld  pxll  abxut  sx,  and  gx  and  drxwn  yxur 
sxrrxws  in  a  bxwl  I  " 

The  uproar  occasioned  by  this  mystical  and  caba- 
listical  article  is  not  to  be  conceived.  The  first  defi- 
nite idea  entertained  by  the  populace  was  that  some 
diabohcal  treason  lay  concealed  in  the  hieroglyphics; 
and  there  was  a  general  rush  to  Bullet-head's  resi- 
dence, for  the  purpose  of  riding  him  on  a  rail ;  but 
that  gentleman  was  nowhere  to  be  found.  He  had 
vanished,  no  one  could  tell  how;  and  not  even  the 
ghost  of  him  has  ever  been  seen  since. 

Unable  to  discover  its  legitimate  object,  the  popular 
fury  at  length  subsided;  leaving  behind  it,  by  way  of 
sediment,  quite  a  medley  of  opinion  about  this  un- 
happy affair. 

232 


X-ING   A   PARAGRAB 

One  gentleman  thought  the  whole  an  X-ellent  joke. 

Another  said  that,  indeed,  Bullet-head  had  shown 
much  X-uberance  of  fancy. 

A  third  admitted  him  X-entric,  but  no  more. 

A  fourth  could  only  suppose  it  the  Yankee's  design 
to  X-press,  in  a  general  way,  his  X-asperation. 

"  Say,  rather,  to  set  an  X-ample  to  posterity,"  sug- 
gested a  fifth. 

That  Bullet-head  had  been  driven  to  an  extremity 
was  clear  to  all ;  and  in  fact,  since  that  editor  could 
not  be  found,  there  was  some  talk  about  lynching  the 
other  one. 

The  more  common  conclusion,  however,  was  that 
the  affair  was,  simply,  X-traordinary  and  in-X-plicable. 
Even  the  town  mathematician  confessed  that  he  could 
make  nothing  of  so  dark  a  problem.  X,  everybody 
knew,  was  an  unknown  quantity ;  but  in  this  case  (as 
he  properly  observed)  there  was  an  unknown  quantity 
of  X. 

The  opinion  of  Bob,  the  devil  (who  kept  dark 
"  about  his  having  X-ed  the  paragrab  "),  did  not  meet 
with  so  much  attention  as  I  think  it  deserved,  although 
it  was  very  openly  and  very  fearlessly  expressed.  He 
said  that,  for  his  part,  he  had  no  doubt  about  the  mat- 
ter at  all ;  that  it  was  a  clear  case  that  Mr.  Bullet-head 
never  cottMhe  persvaded  fur  to  drink  like  other  folks, 
but  vas  r^'^tinually  a-svigging  o'  that  ere  blessed  XXX 
ale,  and,  as  a  naiteral  consekvence,  it  just  puffed  him 
up  savage,  and  made  him  X  (cross)  in  the  X-treme. 


233 


DIDDLING   CONSIDERED   AS    ONE 
OF   THE   EXACT   SCIENCES 


Hey,  diddle  diddle, 
The  cat  and  the  fiddle. 

Mother  Goose. 

OINCE  the  world  began  there  have  been  two  Jere- 
mys.  The  one  wrote  a  Jeremiad  about  usury,  and 
was  called  Jeremy  Bentham.  He  has  been  much 
admired  by  Mr.  John  Neal,  and  was  a  great  man  in  a 
small  way.  The  other  gave  name  to  the  most  impor- 
tant of  the  Exact  Sciences,  and  was  a  great  man  in  a 
great  way;  I  may  say,  indeed,  in  the  very  greatest  of 
ways. 

Diddling,  or  the  abstract  idea  conveyed  by  the 
verb  to  diddle,  is  sufficiently  well  understood.  Yet 
the  fact,  the  deed,  the  thing,  diddling^  is  somewhat 
difficult  to  define.  We  may  get,  however,  at  a  tol- 
erably distinct  conception  of  the  matter  in  hand,  by 
defining  —  not  the  thing,  diddling,  in  itself  —  but  man, 
as  an  animal  that  diddles.  Had  Plato  but  hit  upon 
this,  he  would  have  been  spared  the  affront  of  the 
picked  chicken. 

Very  pertinently  it  was  demanded  of  Plato  why  a 
picked  chicken,  which  was  clearly  a  "  biped  without 
feathers,"  was  not,  according  to  his  own  definition,  a 
man  ?  But  I  am  not  to  be  bothered  by  any  similar 
query.  Man  is  an  animal  that  diddles,  and  there  is 
234 


DIDDLING   AS    ONE    OF   THE   EXACT    SCIEN'CES 

no  animal  that  diddles  but  man.  It  will  take  an 
entire  hen-coop  of  picked  chickens  to  get  over  that. 

What  constitutes  the  essence,  the  nare,  the  princi- 
ple of  diddling  is,  in  fact,  peculiar  to  the  class  of 
creatures  that  wear  coats  and  pantaloons.  A  crow 
thieves ;  a  fox  cheats ;  a  weasel  outwits ;  a  man  did- 
dles. To  diddle  is  his  destiny.  "  Man  was  made  to 
mourn,"  says  the  poet.  But  not  so* — he  was  made 
to  diddle.  This  is  his  aim  —  his  object  —  his  end. 
And  for  this  reason  when  a  man 's  diddled  we  say 
he  's  done. 

Diddling,  rightly  considered,  is  a  compound,  of 
which  the  ingredients  are  minuteness,  interest,  perse- 
verance, ingenuity,  audacity,  nonchalance,  originality, 
impertinence,  and  grin. 

Mimiteness :  —  Your  diddler  is  minute.  His  opera- 
tions are  upon  a  small  scale.  His  business  is  retail, 
for  cash  or  approved  paper  at  sight.  Should  he  ever 
be  tempted  into  magnificent  speculation,  he  then  at 
once  loses  his  distinctive  features,  and  becomes  what 
we  term  "financier."  This  latter  word  conveys  the 
diddling  idea  in  every  respect  except  that  of  magni- 
tude. A  diddler  may  thus  be  regarded  as  a  banker 
in  petto  J  a  "financial  operation,"  as  a  diddle  at  Brob- 
dingnag.  The  one  is  to  the  other  as  Homer  to  "  Flac- 
cus,"  as  a  mastodon  to  a  mouse,  as  the  tail  of  a  comet 
to  that  of  a  pig. 

Interest:  —  Your  diddler  is  guided  by  self-interest. 
He  scorns  to  diddle  for  the  mere  sake  of  the  diddle. 
He  has  an  object  in  view  —  his  pocket  —  and  yours. 
He  regards  always  the  main  chance.  He  looks  to 
Number  One.  You  are  Number  Two,  and  must  look 
to  yourself. 

Perseverance :  —  Your  diddler  perseveres.  He  is 
235 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

not  readily  discouraged.  Should  even  the  banks  break 
he  cares  nothing  about  it.  He  steadily  pursues  his 
end,  and 

"Utcanis  a  corio  nunquam  absterrebitur  uncto," 

SO  he  never  lets  go  of  his  game. 

Ingenuity:  —  Your  diddler  is  ingenious.  He  has 
constructiveness  large.  He  understands  plot.  He 
invents  and  circumvents.  Were  he  not  Alexander,  he 
would  be  Diogenes.  Were  he  not  a  diddler,  he  would 
be  a  maker  of  patent  rat-traps  or  an  angler  for  trout. 

Atidacity  : — Your  diddler  is  audacious.  He  is  a 
bold  man.  He  carries  the  war  into  Africa.  He  con- 
quers all  by  assault.  He  would  not  fear  the  daggers 
of  the  Frey  Herren.  With  a  little  more  prudence 
Dick  Turpin  would  have  made  a  good  diddler ;  with  a 
trifle  less  blarney,  Daniel  O'Connell ;  with  a  pound  or 
two  more  brains,  Charles  the  Twelfth. 

Nonchala7ice :  —  Your  diddler  is  nonchalant.  He 
is  not  at  all  nervous.  He  never  had  any  nerves.  He 
is  never  seduced  into  a  flurry.  He  is  never  put  out  — 
unless  put  out  of  doors.  He  is  cool  —  cool  as  a 
cucumber.  He  is  calm  —  "  calm  as  a  smile  from  Lady 
Bury."  He  is  easy  —  easy  as  an  old  glove,  or  the 
damsels  of  ancient  Baiae. 

Originality :  —  Your  diddler  is  original  —  conscien- 
tiously so.  His  thoughts  are  his  own.  He  would 
scorn  to  employ  those  of  another.  A  stale  trick  is 
his  aversion.  He  would  return  a  purse,  I  am  sure, 
upon  discovering  that  he  had  obtained  it  by  an 
unoriginal    diddle. 

Impertinence :  —  Your  diddler  is  impertinent.  He 
swaggers.  He  sets  his  arms  akimbo.  He  thrusts 
his  hands  in  his  trousers'  pockets.  He  sneers  in 
236 


DIDDLING   AS    ONE   OF   THE   EXACT    SCIENCES 

your  face.  He  treads  on  your  corns.  He  eats  your 
dinner,  he  drinks  your  wine,  he  borrows  your  money, 
he  pulls  your  nose,  he  kicks  your  poodle,  and  he 
kisses  your  wife. 

Grin  :  —  Your  Im^  diddler  winds  up  all  with  a  grin. 
But  this  nobody  sees  but  himself.  He  grins  when  his 
daily  work  is  done  —  when  his  allotted  labors  are 
accomplished  —  at  night  in  his  own  closet,  and  alto- 
gether for  his  own  private  entertainment.  He  goes 
home.  He  locks  his  door.  He  divests  himself  of  his 
clothes.  He  puts  out  his  candle.  He  gets  into  bed. 
He  places  his  head  upon  the  pillow.  All  this  done, 
and  your  diddler  ^rmj-.  This  is  no  hypothesis.  It  is 
a  matter  of  course.  I  reason  a  priori^  and  a  diddle 
would  be  no  diddle  without  a  grin. 

The  origin  of  the  diddle  is  referable  to  the  infancy 
of  the  Human  Race.  Perhaps  the  first  diddler  was 
Adam.  At  all  events,  we  can  trace  the  science  back 
to  a  very  remote  period  of  antiquity.  The  moderns, 
however,  have  brought  it  to  a  perfection  never  dreamed 
of  by  our  thick-headed  progenitors.  Without  pausing 
to  speak  of  the  "old  saws,"  therefore,  I  shall  content 
myself  with  a  compendious  account  of  some  of  the 
more  "  modern  instances." 

A  very  good  diddle  is  this.  A  housekeeper  in  want 
of  a  sofa,  for  instance,  is  seen  to  go  in  and  out  of  sev- 
eral cabinet  warehouses.  At  length  she  arrives  at 
one  offering  an  excellent  variety.  She  is  accosted, 
and  invited  to  enter,  by  a  polite  and  voluble  individual 
at  the  door.  She  finds  a  sofa  well  adapted  to  her 
views,  and,  upon  inquiring  the  price,  is  surprised  and 
delighted  to  hear  a  sum  named  at  least  twenty  per 
cent,  lower  than  her  expectations.  She  hastens  to 
make  the  purchase,  gets  a  bill  and  receipt,  leaves  her 
237 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

address,  with  a  request  that  the  article  be  sent  home 
as  speedily  as  possible,  and  retires  amid  a  profusion 
of  bows  from  the  shop-keeper.  The  night  arrives,  and 
no  sofa.  The  next  day  passes,  and  still  none.  A 
servant  is  sent  to  make  inquiry  about  the  delay.  The 
whole  transaction  is  denied.  No  sofa  has  been  sold  — 
no  money  received  —  except  by  the  diddler,  who 
played  shop-keeper  for  the  nonce. 

Our  cabinet  warehouses  are  left  entirely  unattended, 
and  thus  afford  every  facility  for  a  trick  of  this 
kind.  Visitors  enter,  look  at  furniture,  and  depart 
unheeded  and  unseen.  Should  any  one  wish  to  pur- 
chase, or  to  inquire  the  price  of  an  article,  a  bell  is  at 
hand,  and  this  is  considered  amply  sufficient. 

Again,  quite  a  respectable  diddle  is  this.  A  well- 
dressed  individual  enters  a  shop ;  makes  a  purchase 
to  the  value  of  a  dollar;  finds,  much  to  his  vexation, 
that  he  has  left  his  pocket-book  in  another  coat 
pocket;  and  so  says  to  the  shop-keeper  — 

"My  dear  sir,  never  mind!  —  just  oblige  me,  will 
you,  by  sending  the  bundle  home?  But  stay  !  I  really 
believe  that  1  have  nothing  less  than  a  five-dollar  bill, 
even  there.  However,  you  can  send  four  dollars  in 
change  with  the  bundle,  you  know." 

"  Very  good,  sir,"  replies  the  shop-keeper,  who  enter- 
tains at  once  a  lofty  opinion  of  the  high-mindedness 
of  his  customer.  "  I  know  fellows,"  he  says  to  him- 
self, "  who  would  just  have  put  the  goods  under  their 
arm,  and  walked  off  with  a  promise  to  call  and  pay  the 
dollar  as  they  came  by  in  the  afternoon.  " 

A  boy  is  sent  with  the  parcel  and  change.  On  the 
route,  quite  accidentally,  he  is  met  by  the  purchaser, 
who  exclaims :  — 

"  Ah  !  this  is  my  bundle,  I  see  —  I  thought  you  had 
238 


DIDDLIXG   AS   ONE   OF  THE   EXACT   SCIENCES 

been  home  with  it,  long  ago.  Well,  go  on  !  My  wife, 
Mrs.  Trotter,  will  give  you  the  five  dollars  —  I  left 
instructions  with  her  to  that  effect.  The  change  you 
might  as  well  give  to  tne  —  I  shall  want  some  silver 
for  the  Post  Office.  Very  good !  One,  two,  is  this  a 
good  quarter.?  —  three,  four  —  quite  right!  Say  to 
Mrs.  Trotter  that  you  met  me,  and  be  sure  now  and  do 
not  loiter  on  the  way." 

The  boy  does  n't  loiter  at  all ;  but  he  is  a  very  long 
time  in  getting  back  from  his  errand,  for  no  lady  of 
the  precise  name  of  Mrs.  Trotter  is  to  be  discovered. 
He  consoles  himself,  however,  that  he  has  not  been 
such  a  fool  as  to  leave  the  goods  without  the  money, 
and,  reentering  his  shop  with  a  self-satisfied  air,  feels 
sensibly  hurt  and  indignant  when  his  master  asks  him 
what  has  become  of  the  change. 

A  very  simple  diddle,  indeed,  is  this.  The  captain 
of  a  ship,  which  is  about  to  sail,  is  presented  by  an 
official  looking  person  with  an  unusually  moderate  bill 
of  city  charges.  Glad  to  get  off  so  easily,  and  con- 
fused by  a  hundred  duties  pressing  upon  him  all  at 
once,  he  discharges  the  claim  forthwith.  In  about 
fifteen  minutes,  another  and  less  reasonable  bill  is 
handed  him  by  one  who  soon  makes  it  evident  that 
the  first  collector  was  a  diddler,  and  the  original  collec- 
tion a  diddle. 

And  here,  too,  is  a  somewhat  similar  thing.  A 
steamboat  is  casting  loose  from  the  wharf.  A  travel- 
ler, portmanteau  in  hand,  is  discovered  running 
towards  the  wharf  at  full  speed.  Suddenly,  he  makes 
a  dead  halt,  stoops,  and  picks  up  something  from  the 
ground  in  a  very  agitated  manner.  It  is  a  pocket- 
book,  and — "Has  any  gentleman  lost  a  pocket- 
book  ,''  "  he  cries.  No  one  can  say  that  he  has  exactly 
239 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

lost  a  pocket-book  ;  but  a  great  excitement  ensues, 
when  the  treasure  trove  is  found  to  be  of  value.  The 
boat,  however,  must  not  be  detained. 

"  Time  and  tide  wait  for  no  man,"  says  the  captain. 

"For  God's  sake,  stay  only  a  few  minutes,"  says 
the  finder  of  the  book  — "  the  true  claimant  will 
presently  appear." 

"  Can't  wait !  "  replies  the  man  in  authority  ;  "  cast 
off  there,  d'  ye  hear  ?  " 

"  What  am  I  to  do  ?  "  asks  the  finder,  in  great  tribu- 
lation. "  I  am  about  to  leave  the  country  for  some 
years,  and  I  cannot  conscientiously  retain  this  large 
amount  in  my  possession,  I  beg  your  pardon,  sir  " 
(here  he  addresses  a  gentleman  on  shore),  "  but  you 
have  the  air  of  an  honest  man.  IVill  you  confer  upon 
me  the  favor  of  taking  charge  of  this  pocket-book  — 
I  know  I  can  trust  you  —  and  of  advertising  it  ? 
The  notes,  you  see,  amount  to  a  very  considerable 
sum.  The  owner  will,  no  doubt,  insist  upon  reward- 
ing you  for  your  trouble  —  " 

"  Me  I  —  no,  you  I  —  it  was  you  who  found  the 
book." 

"  Well,  if  you  tnust  have  it  so  —  /will  take  a  small 
reward  —  just  to  satisfy  your  scruples.  Let  me  see  — 
wh)'',  these  notes  are  all  hundreds  —  bless  my  soul !  a 
hundred  is  too  much  to  take  —  fifty  would  be  quite 
enough,  I  am  sure — " 

"  Cast  off  there  !  "  says  the  captain. 

"But  then  I  have  no  change  for  a  hundred,  and 
upon  the  whole  you  had  better  —  " 

"  Cast  off  there  !  "  says  the  captain. 

"  Never  mind!  "  cries  the  gentleman  on  shore,  who 
has  been  examining  his  own  pocket-book  for  the  last 
minute  or  so  —  "never  mind!  /can  fix  it  —  here  is 
240 


DIDDLING   AS    ONE   OF    THE   EXACT    SCIENCES 

a  fifty  on  the  Bank  of  North  America  —  throw  me  the 
book." 

And  the  over-conscientious  finder  takes  the  fifty 
with  marked  reluctance,  and  throws  the  gentleman  the 
book,  as  desired,  while  the  steamboat  fumes  and  fizzes 
on  her  way.  In  about  half  an  hour  after  her  de- 
parture the  "  large  amount  "  is  seen  to  be  a  "  coun- 
terfeit presentment,"  and  the  whole  thing  a  capital 
diddle. 

A  bold  diddle  is  this.  A  camp-meeting,  or  some- 
thing similar,  is  to  be  held  at  a  certain  spot  which  is 
accessible  only  by  means  of  a  free  bridge.  A  diddler 
stations  himself  upon  this  bridge,  respectfully  informs 
all  passers-by  of  the  new  county  law,  which  establishes 
a  toll  of  one  cent  for  foot  passengers,  two  for  horses 
and  donkeys,  and  so  forth,  and  so  forth.  Some 
grumble,  but  all  submit,  and  the  diddler  goes  home 
a  wealthier  man  by  some  fifty  or  sixty  dollars  well 
earned.  This  taking  a  toll  from  a  great  crowd  of 
people  is  an  excessively  troublesome  thing. 

A  neat  diddle  is  this.  A  friend  holds  one  of  the 
diddler's  promises  to  pay,  filled  up  and  signed  in  due 
form  upon  the  ordinary  blanks  printed  in  red  ink. 
The  diddler  purchases  one  or  two  dozen  of  these 
blanks,  and  every  day  dips  one  of  them  in  his  soup, 
makes  his  dog  jump  for  it,  and  finally  gives  it  to  him 
as  a  bon7ie  bouche.  The  note  arriving  at  maturity,  the 
diddler,  with  the  diddler's  dog,  calls  upon  the  friend, 
and  the  promise  to  pay  is  made  the  topic  of  discussion. 
The  friend  produces  it  from  his  ecritoire,  and  is  in  the 
act  of  reaching  it  to  the  diddler,  when  up  jumps  the 
diddler's  dog  and  devours  it  forthwith.  The  diddler 
is  not  only  surprised  but  vexed  and  incensed  at  the 
absurd  behavior  of  his  dog,  and  expresses  his  entire 
VOL.  IV.  —  i6  241 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

readiness  to  cancel  the  obligation  at  any  moment  when 
the  evidence  of  the  obligation  shall  be  forthcoming. 

A  very  minute  diddle  is  this.  A  lady  is  insulted  in 
the  street  by  a  diddler's  accomplice.  The  diddler 
himself  flies  to  her  assistance,  and,  giving  his  friend  a 
comfortable  thrashing,  insists  upon  attending  the  lady 
to  her  own  door.  He  bows,  with  his  hand  upon  his 
heart,  and  most  respectfully  bids  her  adieu.  She 
entreats  him,  as  her  deliverer,  to  walk  in  and  be  intro- 
duced to  her  big  brother  and  her  papa.  With  a  sigh, 
he  declines  to  do  so.  "  Is  there  no  way,  then,  sir,"  she 
murmurs,  "  in  which  I  may  be  permitted  to  testify  my 
gratitude  ?  " 

"  Why,  yes,  madam,  there  is.  Will  you  be  kind 
enough  to  lend  me  a  couple  of  shillings  ?  " 

In  the  first  excitement  of  the  moment  the  lady 
decides  upon  fainting  outright.  Upon  second  thought, 
however,  she  opens  her  purse-strings  and  delivers  the 
specie.  Now  this,  I  say,  is  a  diddle  minute  —  for  one 
entire  moiety  of  the  sum  borrowed  has  to  be  paid  to 
the  gentleman  who  had  the  trouble  of  performing  the 
insult,  and  who  had  then  to  stand  still  and  be  thrashed 
for  performing  it. 

Rather  a  small,  but  still  a  scientific  diddle  is  this. 
The  diddler  approaches  the  bar  of  a  tavern,  and 
demands  a  couple  of  twists  of  tobacco.  These  are 
handed  to  him,  when,  having  slightly  examined  them, 
he  says : — 

"  I  don't  much  like  this  tobacco.  Here,  take  it 
back,  and  give  me  a  glass  of  brandy  and  water  in  its 
place." 

The  brandy  and  water  is  furnished  and  imbibed, 
and  the  diddler  makes  his  way  to  the  door.     But  the 
voice  of  the  tavern-keeper  arrests  him, 
242 


DIDDLING   AS    ONE   OF   THE   EXACT   SCIENCES 

"  I  believe,  sir,  you  have  forgotten  to  pay  for  your 
brandy  and  water." 

"  Pay  for  my  brandy  and  water  !  —  did  n't  I  give  you 
the  tobacco  for  the  brandy  and  water  ?  What  more 
would  you  have  ?  " 

"  But,  sir,  if  you  please,  I  don't  remember  that  you 
paid  for  the  tobacco." 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  that,  you  scoundrel }  — 
Didn't  I  give  you  back  your  tobacco?  Isn't  that 
your  tobacco  lying  there?  Do  you  expect  me  to  pay 
for  what  I  did  not  take?" 

"  But,  sir,"  says  the  publican,  now  rather  at  a  loss 
what  to  say,  "but,  sir  —  " 

"  But  me  no  buts,  sir,"  interrupts  the  diddler,  appar 
ently  in  very  high  dudgeon,  and  slamming  the  door 
after  him,  as  he  makes  his  escape.  —  "  But  me  no  buts, 
sir,  and  none  of  your  tricks  upon  travellers." 

Here  again  h  a  very  clever  diddle,  of  which  the 
simplicity  is  not  its  least  recommendation.  A  purse, 
or  pocket-book,  being  really  lost,  the  loser  inserts  in 
07te  of  the  daily  papers  of  a  large  city  a  fully  descriptive 
advertisement. 

Whereupon  our  diddler  copies  the  facts  of  this 
advertisement,  with  a  change  of  heading,  of  general 
phraseology,  and  address.  The  original,  for  instance, 
is  long  and  verbose,  is  headed  "  A  Pocket-Book 
Lost !  "  and  requires  the  treasure,  when  found,  to  be 
left  at  No.  I  Tom  Street.  The  copy  is  brief  and, 
being  headed  with  "  Lost  "  only,  indicates  No.  2  Dick, 
or  No.  3  Harry  Street,  as  the  locality  at  which  the 
owner  may  be  seen.  Moreover,  it  is  inserted  in  at 
least  five  or  six  of  the  daily  papers  of  the  day,  while 
in  point  of  time  it  makes  its  appearance  only  a  few 
hours  after  the  original.  Should  it  be  read  by  the 
243 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

loser  of  the  purse,  he  would  hardly  suspect  it  to  have 
any  reference  to  his  own  misfortune.  But,  of  course, 
the  chances  are  five  or  six  to  one  that  the  finder  will 
repair  to  the  address  given  by  the  diddler,  rather  than 
to  that  pointed  out  by  the  rightful  proprietor.  The 
former  pays  the  reward,  pockets  the  treasure,  and 
decamps. 

Quite  an  analogous  diddle  is  this.  A  lady  of  to?t 
has  dropped,  somewhere  in  the  street,  a  diamond  ring 
of  very  unusual  value.  For  its  recovery,  she  offers 
some  forty  or  fifty  dollars'  reward  —  giving  in  her 
advertisement  a  very  minute  description  of  the  gem, 
and  of  its  settings,  and  declaring  that,  upon  its  resto- 
ration to  No,  So  and  So,  in  such  and  such  Avenue,  the 
reward  v/ill  be  paid  instanter^  without  a  single  ques- 
tion being  asked.  During  the  lady's  absence  from 
home,  a  day  or  two  afterwards,  a  ring  is  heard  at  the 
door  of  No.  So  and  So,  in  such  and  such  Avenue  ;  a 
servant  appears  ;  the  lady  of  the  house  is  asked  for 
and  is  declared  to  be  out,  at  which  astounding  infor- 
mation the  visitor  expresses  the  most  poignant  regret. 
His  business  is  of  importance  and  concerns  the  lady 
herself.  In  fact,  he  had  the  good  fortune  to  find  her 
diamond  ring.  But  perhaps  it  would  be  as  well  that 
he  should  call  again.  "  By  no  means  !  "  says  the 
servant ;  and  "  By  no  means  !  "  say  the  lady's  sister 
and  the  lady's  sister-in-law,  who  are  summoned  forth- 
with. The  ring  is  clamorously  identified,  the  reward 
is  paid,  and  the  finder  nearly  thrust  out  of  doors. 
The  lady  returns,  and  expresses  some  little  dissatis- 
faction with  her  sister  and  sister-in-law,  because  they 
happen  to  have  paid  forty  or  fifty  dollars  for  a  fac- 
simile of  her  diamond  ring  —  a  fac-simile  made  out 
of  real  pinchbeck  and  unquestionable  paste. 
244 


DIDDLING   AS    ONE   OF   THE    EXACT   SCIENCES 

But,  as  there  is  really  no  end  to  diddling,  so  there 
would  be  none  to  this  essay,  were  I  even  to  hint  at 
half  the  variations,  or  inflections,  of  which  this  science 
is  susceptible.  I  must  bring  this  paper,  perforce,  to 
a  conclusion,  and  this  I  cannot  do  better  than  by  a 
summary  notice  of  a  very  decent  but  rather  elabo- 
rate diddle,  of  which  our  own  city  was  made  the 
theatre,  not  very  long  ago,  and  which  was  subse- 
quently repeated  with  success  in  other  still  more 
verdant  localities  of  the  Union.  A  middle-aged  gen- 
tleman arrives  in  town  from  parts  unknown.  He  is 
remarkably  precise,  cautious,  staid,  and  dehberate  in 
his  demeanor.  His  dress  is  scrupulously  neat,  but 
plain,  unostentatious.  He  wears  a  white  cravat,  an 
ample  waistcoat,  made  with  an  eye  to  comfort  alone ; 
thick-soled  cosey-looking  shoes,  and  pantaloons 
without  straps.  He  has  the  whole  air,  in  fact,  of 
your  well-to-do,  sober-sided,  exact,  and  respectable 
"  man  of  business,"  par  excellence  —  one  of  the 
stern  and  outwardly  hard,  internally  soft,  sort  of 
people  that  we  see  in  the  crack  high  comedies; 
fellows  whose  words  are  so  many  bonds,  and  who 
are  noted  for  giving  away  guineas,  in  charity,  with 
the  one  hand,  while,  in  the  way  of  mere  bargain, 
they  exact  the  uttermost  fraction  of  a  farthing  with 
the  other. 

He  makes  much  ado  before  he  can  get  suited  with 
a  boarding-house.  He  dislikes  children.  He  has 
been  accustomed  to  quiet.  His  habits  are  methodical 
—  and  then  he  would  prefer  getting  into  a  private  and 
respectable  small  family,  piously  incHned.  Terms, 
however,  are  no  object;  only  he  must  insist  upon 
settling  his  bill  on  the  first  of  every  month  (it  is  now 
the  second),  and  begs  his  landlady,  when  he  finally 
245 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

obtains  one  to  his  mind,  not  on  any  account  to  forget 
his  instructions  upon  this  point  —  but  to  send  in  a  bill, 
and  receipt,  precisely  at  ten  o'clock  on  the  fiyst  day 
of  every  month,  and  under  no  circumstances  to  put 
it  off  to  the  second. 

These  arrangements  made,  our  man  of  business 
rents  an  office  in  a  reputable  rather  than  in  a  fashion- 
able quarter  of  the  town.  There  is  nothing  he  more 
despises  than  pretence.  "  Where  there  is  much 
show,"  he  says,  "  there  is  seldom  anything  very  solid 
behind ; "  an  observation  which  so  profoundly  im- 
presses his  landlady's  fancy  that  she  makes  a  pencil 
memorandum  of  it  forthwith,  in  her  great  family 
Bible,  on  the  broad  margin  of  the  Proverbs  of 
Solomon. 

The  next  step  is  to  advertise,  after  some  such 
fashion  as  this,  in  the  principal  business  sixpennies 
of  this  city  —  the  pennies  are  eschewed  as  not  "  re- 
spectable "  and  as  demanding  payment  for  all  adver- 
tisements in  advance.  Our  man  of  business  holds 
it  as  a  point  of  his  faith  that  work  should  never  be 
paid  for  until  done. 

"  Wanted  —  The  advertisers,  being  about  to  commence 
extensive  business  operations  in  this  city,  will  require  the 
services  of  three  or  four  intelligent  and  competent  clerks, 
to  whom  a  liberal  salary  will  be  paid.  The  very  best 
recommendations,  not  so  much  for  capacity,  as  for  integ- 
rity, will  be  expected.  Indeed,  as  the  duties  to  be  per- 
formed involve  high  responsibilities,  and  large  amounts 
of  money  must  necessarily  pass  through  the  hands  of 
those  engaged,  it  is  deemed  advisable  to  demand  a  deposit 
of  fifty  dollars  from  each  clerk  employed.  No  person 
need  apply,  therefore,  who  is  not  prepared  to  leave  this 
246 


DIDDLING   AS   ONE   OF   THE   EXACT   SCIENCES 

sum  in  the  possession  of  the  advertisers,  and  who  cannot 
furnish  the  most  satisfactory  testimonials  of  morality. 
Young  gentlemen  piously  inclined  will  be  preferred.  Ap- 
plication should  be  made  between  the  hours  of  ten  and 
eleven,  a.  m.,  and  four  and  five,  p.  m.,  of  Messrs. 

"  Bogs,  Hogs,  Logs,  Frogs,  &  Co. 

"No  no  Dog  Street  " 

By  the  thirty-first  day  of  the  month,  this  advertise- 
ment has  brought  to  the  office  of  Messrs.  Bogs,  Hogs, 
Logs,  Frogs,  and  Company,  some  fifteen  or  twenty- 
young  gentlemen  piously  inclined.  But  our  man  of 
business  is  in  no  hurry  to  conclude  a  contract  with 
any  —  no  man  of  business  is  ever  precipitate  —  and 
it  is  not  until  the  most  rigid  catechism,  in  respect 
to  the  piety  of  each  young  gentleman's  inclination, 
that  his  services  are  engaged  and  his  fifty  dollars 
receipted  ior^just  by  way  of  proper  precaution,  on 
the  part  of  the  respectable  firm  of  Bogs,  Hogs,  Logs, 
Frogs,  and  Company.  On  the  morning  of  the  first 
day  of  the  next  month,  the  landlady  does  not  present 
her  bill,  according  to  promise ;  a  piece  of  neglect  for 
which  the  comfortable  head  of  the  house  ending  in 
ogs  would  no  doubt  have  chided  her  severely,  could 
he  have  been  prevailed  upon  to  remain  in  town  a  day 
or  two  for  that  purpose. 

As  it  is,  the  constables  have  had  a  sad  time  of  it, 
running  hither  and  thither,  and  all  they  can  do  is  to 
declare  the  man  of  business  most  emphatically  a  "  hen 
knee  high"  —  by  which  some  persons  imagine  them 
to  imply  that,  in  fact,  he  is  n.  e.  i.  —  by  which  again 
the  very  classical  phrase  fion  est  inventus  is  supposed 
to  be  understood.  In  the  mean  time  the  young  gentle- 
247 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND  CAPRICE 

men,  one  and  all,  are  somewhat  less  piously  inclined 
than  before,  while  the  landlady  purchases  a  shilling's 
worth  of  the  best  Indian  rubber,  and  very  carefully 
obliterates  the  pencil  memorandum  that  some  fool 
has  made  in  her  great  family  Bible,  on  the  broad 
margin  of  the  Proverbs  of  Solomon. 


24S 


VON   KEMPELEN   AND    HIS   DISCOVERY 

/jlFTER  the  very  minute  and  elaborate  paper  by 
Arago,  to  say  nothing  of  the  summary  in  "  Silliman's 
Journal,"  with  the  detailed  statement  just  published 
by  Lieutenant  Maury,  it  will  not  be  supposed,  of 
course,  that  in  offering  a  few  hurried  remarks  in 
reference  to  Von  Kempelen's  discovery  I  have  any 
design  to  look  at  the  subject  from  a  scientific  point 
of  view.  My  object  is  simply,  in  the  first  place,  to 
say  a  few  words  of  Von  Kempelen  himself  (with 
whom,  some  years  ago,  I  had  the  honor  of  a  slight 
personal  acquaintance),  since  everything  which  con- 
cerns him  must  necessarily,  at  this  moment,  be  of 
interest ;  and,  in  the  second  place,  to  look  in  a  gen- 
eral way,  and  speculatively,  at  the  results  of  the 
discovery. 

It  may  be  as  well,  however,  to  premise  the  cur- 
sory observations  which  I  have  to  offer,  by  deny- 
ing, very  decidedly,  what  seems  to  be  a  general  im- 
pression (gleaned,  as  usual  in  a  case  of  this  kind, 
from  the  newspapers)  viz. :  that  this  discovery,  as- 
tounding as  it  unquestionably  is,  is  unajitkipated. 

By  reference  to  the  "  Diary  of  Sir  Humphry  Dav}'" 
(Cottle  and  Munroe,  London,  pp.  150),  it  will  be 
seen,  at  pp.  53  and  82,  that  this  illustrious  chemist 
had  not  only  conceived  the  idea  now  in  question,  but 
had  actually  made  no  inconsiderable  progress,  experi- 
mentally^ in  the  very  identical  analysis  now  so  trium- 
249 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

phaiitly  brought  to  an  issue  by  Von  Kempelen,  who, 
although  he  makes  not  the  shghtest  allusion  to  it,  is 
without  doubt  (I  say  it  unhesitatingly,  and  can  prove 
it,  if  required)  indebted  to  the  "  Diary  "  for  at  least 
the  first  hint  of  his  own  undertaking.  Although  a 
little  technical,  I  cannot  refrain  from  appending  two 
passages  from  the  "  Diary,"  with  one  of  Sir  Hum- 
phry's  equations.^ 

The  paragraph  from  the  "  Courier  and  Inquirer  " 
which  is  now  going  the  rounds  of  the  press,  and  which 
purports  to  claim  the  invention  for  a  Mr.  Kissam,  of 
Brunswick,  Maine,  appears  to  me,  I  confess,  a  little 
apocryphal,  for  several  reasons ;  although  there  is 
nothing  either  impossible  or  very  improbable  in  the 
statement  made.  I  need  not  go  into  details.  My 
opinion  of  the  paragraph  is  founded  principally  upon 
its  manner.  It  does  not  look  true.  Persons  who  are 
narrating y^r/j-  are  seldom  so  particular  as  Mr.  Kissam 
seems  to  be,  about  day  and  date  and  precise  location. 
Besides,  if  Mr.  Kissam  actually  did  come  upon  the 
discovery  he  says  he  did,  at  the  period  designated  — 
nearly  eight  years  ago  —  how  happens  it  that  he  took 
no  steps,  on  the  instant^  to  reap  the  immense  benefits 
which  the  merest  bumpkin  must  have  known  would 
have  resulted  to  him  individually,  if  not  to  the  world 
at  large,  from  the  discovery  }  It  seems  to  me  quite  in- 
credible that  any  man,  of  common  understanding, 
could  have  discovered  what  Mr.  Kissam  says  he  did, 
and  yet  have  subsequently  acted  so  like  a  baby  —  so  like 
an  owl  —  as  Mr.  Kissam  admits  that  he  did.     By  the 

1  As  we  have  not  the  algebraic  signs  necessary,  and  as  the 
"Diary"  is  to  be  found  at  the  Athenaeum  Library,  we  omit  here 
a  small  portion  of  Mr.  Poe's  manuscript.  —  Editorial  Note  on 
Publication. 

250 


VON   KEMPELEN   AND   HIS   DISCOVERY 

way,  who  is  Mr.  Kissam  ?  and  is  not  the  whole  para- 
graph in  the  "  Courier  and  Inquirer  "  a  fabrication 
got  up  to  '^  make  a  talk  ?  "  It  must  be  confessed  that 
it  has  an  amazingly  moon-hoax-y  air.  Very  little  de- 
pendence is  to  be  placed  upon  it,  in  my  humble 
opinion ;  and  if  I  were  not  well  aware,  from  expe- 
rience, how  very  easily  men  of  science  are  mystified 
on  points  out  of  their  usual  range  of  inquiry,  I  should 
be  profoundly  astonished  at  finding  so  eminent  a 
chemist  as  Professor  Draper  discussing  Mr.  Kissam's 
(or  is  it  Mr.  Quizzem's  ?)  pretensions  to  this  discovery, 
in  so  serious  a  tone. 

But  to  return  to  the  "Diary"  of  Sir  Humphry 
Davy.  This  pamphlet  was  not  designed  for  the  public 
eye,  even  upon  the  decease  of  the  writer,  as  any  per- 
son at  all  conversant  with  authorship  may  satisfy  him- 
self at  once  by  the  slightest  inspection  of  the  style. 
At  page  13,  for  example,  near  the  middle,  we  read,  in 
reference  to  his  researches  about  the  protoxide  of 
azote :  "  In  less  than  half  a  minute  the  respiration 
being  continued,  diminished  gradually  and  were  suc- 
ceeded by  analogous  to  gentle  pressure  on  all  the 
muscles."  That  the  respiration  was  not  "diminished," 
is  not  only  clear  by  the  subsequent  context,  but  by  the 
use  of  the  plural  "were."  The  sentence,  no  doubt, 
was  thus  intended  :  "  In  less  than  half  a  minute,  the 
respiration  [being  continued,  these  feehngs]  diminished 
gradually,  and  were  succeeded  by  [a  sensation]  analo- 
gous to  gentle  pressure  on  all  the  muscles."  A  hun- 
dred similar  instances  go  to  show  that  the  MS.  sc 
inconsiderately  published  was  merely  a  rotigh  note- 
book, meant  only  for  the  writer's  own  eye ;  but  an 
inspection  of  the  pamphlet  will  convince  almost  any 
thinking  person  of  the  truth  of  my  suggestion.  The 
251 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

fact  is,  Sir  Humphry  Davy  was  about  the  last  man 
in  the  world  to  commit  hunself  on  scientific  topics. 
Not  only  had  he  a  more  than  ordinary  dislike  to 
quackery,  but  he  was  morbidly  afraid  of  appearing 
empirical ;  so  that,  however  fully  he  might  have  been 
convinced  that  he  was  on  the  right  track  in  the 
matter  now  in  question,  he  would  never  have  spoken 
out^  until  he  had  everything  ready  for  the  most  prac- 
tical demonstration.  I  verily  believe  that  his  last 
moments  would  have  been  rendered  wretched,  could 
he  have  suspected  that  his  wishes  in  regard  to  burn- 
ing this  "  Diary  "  (full  of  crude  speculations)  would 
have  been  unattended  to  ;  as,  it  seems,  they  were.  I 
say  "  his  wishes,"  for  that  he  meant  to  include  this 
note-book  among  the  miscellaneous  papers  directed 
"to  be  burnt"  I  think  there  can  be  no  manner  of 
doubt.  Whether  it  escaped  the  flames  by  good  for- 
tune, or  by  bad,  yet  remains  to  be  seen.  That  the 
passages  quoted  above,  with  the  other  similar  ones 
referred  to,  gave  Von  Kempelen  the  hint,  I  do  not  in 
the  slightest  degree  question ;  but,  I  repeat,  it  yet  re- 
mains to  be  seen  whether  this  momentous  discovery 
itself  {momentous  under  any  circumstances)  will  be  of 
service  or  disservice  to  mankind  at  large.  That  Von 
Kempelen  and  his  immediate  friends  will  reap  a  rich 
harvest  it  would  be  folly  to  doubt  for  a  moment. 
They  will  scarcely  be  so  weak  as  not  to  "  realize,"  in 
time,  by  large  purchases  of  houses  and  land,  with 
other  property  of  iiitrinsic  value. 

In  the  brief  account  of  Von  Kempelen  which  ap- 
peared in  the  "  Home  Journal,"  and  has  since  been 
extensively  copied,  several  misapprehensions  of  the 
German  original  seem  to  have  been  made  by  the 
translator,  who  professes  to  have  taken  the  passage 
252 


VON   KEMPELEN    AND    HIS   DISCOVERY 

from  a  late  number  of  the  Presburg  Schnellpost^ 
"  Viele  "  has  evidently  been  misconceived  (as  it  often 
is),  and  what  the  translator  renders  by  "  sorrows  "  is 
probably  "  leiden''  which,  in  its  true  version,  "  suffer- 
ings, "  would  give  a  totally  different  complexion  to 
the  whole  account ;  but  of  course  much  of  this  is 
merely  guess  on  my  part. 

Von  Kempelen,  however,  is  by  no  means  a  "  misan- 
thrope "  in  appearance,  at  least,  whatever  he  may  be 
in  fact.  My  acquaintance  with  him  was  casual 
altogether;  and  I  am  scarcely  warranted  in  saying 
that  I  know  him  at  all ;  but  to  have  seen  and  con- 
versed with  a  man  of  ^o  prodigious  a  notoriety  as  he 
has  attained,  or  will  attain  in  a  few  days,  is  not  a 
small  matter,  as  times  go. 

The  "  Literary  World  "  speaks  of  him,  confidently, 
as  a  native  of  Presburg  (misled,  perhaps,  by  the 
account  in  the  "  Home  Journal  "),  but  I  am  pleased  in 
being  able  to  siSiit  positively,  since  I  have  it  from  his 
own  lips,  that  he  w^as  born  in  Utica,  in  the  State  of  New 
York,  although  both  his  parents,  I  beHeve,  are  of  Pres- 
burg descent.  The  family  is  connected,  in  some  way, 
with  Maelzel,  of  Automaton-chess-player  memory. ^  In 
person  he  is  short  and  stout,  with  large, /<2/,  blue  eyes, 
sandy  hair  and  whiskers,  a  wide  but  pleasing  mouth, 
fine  teeth,  and  I  think  a  Roman  nose.  There  is  some 
defect  in  one  of  his  feet.  His  address  is  frank,  and  his 
whole  manner  noticeable  for  bonhomie.  Altogether, 
he  looks,  speaks,  and  acts  as  little  like  "a  misanthrope  " 
as  any  man  I  ever  saw.  We  were  fellow-sojourners  for 
a  week,  about  six  years  ago,  at  Earl's  Hotel,  in  Provi- 

1  If  we.  a:e  not  mistaken,  the  name  of  the  inventor  of  the 
chess-player  was  either  Kempelen,  Von  Kempelen,  or  something 
like  it.  —  Editorial  Note  on  Publication. 

253 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

dence,  Rhode  Island  ;  and  I  presume  that  I  conversed 
with  him,  at  various  times,  for  some  three  or  four 
hours  altogether.  His  principal  topics  were  those  of 
the  day;  and  nothing  that  fell  from  him  led  me  to 
suspect  his  scientific  attainments.  He  left  the  hotel 
before  me,  intending  to  go  to  New  York,  and  thence 
to  Bremen  ;  it  was  in  the  latter  city  that  his  great 
discovery  was  first  made  public ;  or,  rather,  it  was 
there  that  he  was  first  suspected  of  having  made  it. 
This  is  about  all  that  I  personally  know  of  the  now 
immortal  Von  Kempelen  ;  but  I  have  thought  that 
even  these  few  details  would  have  interest  for  the 
public. 

There  can  be  little  question  that  most  of  the  mar- 
vellous rumors  afloat  about  this  affair  are  pure 
inventions,  entitled  to  about  as  much  credit  as  the 
story  of  Aladdin's  lamp  ;  and  yet,  in  a  case  of  this 
kind,  as  in  the  case  of  the  discoveries  in  Cahfornia, 
it  is  clear  that  the  truth  may  be  stranger  than  fiction. 
The  following  anecdote,  at  least,  is  so  well  authenti- 
cated that  we  may  receive  it  implicitly. 

Von  Kempelen  had  never  been  even  tolerably  well 
off  during  his  residence  at  Bremen ;  and  often,  it  was 
well  known,  he  had  been  put  to  extreme  shifts,  in 
order  to  raise  trifling  sums.  When  the  great  excite- 
ment occurred  about  the  forgery  on  the  house  of 
Gutsmuth  and  Co.,  suspicion  was  directed  towards  Von 
Kempelen,  on  account  of  his  having  purchased  a 
considerable  property  in  Gasperitch  Lane,  and  his 
refusing,  when  questioned,  to  explain  how  he  became 
possessed  of  the  purchase  money.  He  was  at  length 
arrested,  but,  nothing  decisive  appearing  against  him, 
was  in  the  end  set  at  liberty.  The  police,  however, 
kept  a  strict  watch  upon  his  movements,  and  thus 
254 


I 


VON   KEMPELEN   AND    HIS    DISCOVERY 

discovered  that  he  left  home  frequently,  taking  always 
the  same  road,  and  invariably  giving  his  watchers  the 
slip  in  the  neighborhood  of  that  labyrinth  of  narrow 
and  crooked  passages  known  by  the  flash-name  of 
the  "  Dondergat-'*'  Finally,  by  dint  of  great  perse- 
verance, they  traced  him  to  a  garret  in  an  old  house  of 
seven  stories,  in  an  alley  called  Flatplatz ;  and,  com- 
ing upon  him  suddenly,  found  him,  as  they  imagined, 
in  the  midst  of  his  counterfeiting  operations.  His 
agitation  is  represented  as  so  excessive  that  the 
officers  had  not  the  slightest  doubt  of  his  guilt. 
After  handcuffing  him,  they  searched  his  room,  or 
rather  rooms ;  for  it  appears  he  occupied  all  the 
mansarde. 

Opening  into  the  garret  where  they  caught  him  was 
a  closet,  ten  feet  by  eight,  fitted  up  with  some  chemi- 
cal apparatus  of  which  the  object  has  not  yet  been 
ascertained.  In  one  corner  of  the  closet  was  a  very 
small  furnace,  with  a  glowing  fire  in  it,  and  on  the 
fire  a  kind  of  duplicate  crucible  —  two  crucibles  con- 
nected by  a  tube.  One  of  these  crucibles  was  nearly 
full  of  leadxvi  a  state  of  fusion,  but  not  reaching  up 
to  the  aperture  of  the  tube,  which  was  close  to  the 
brim.  The  other  crucible  had  some  liquid  in  it, 
which,  as  the  officers  entered,  seemed  to  be  furiously 
dissipating  in  vapor.  They  relate  that,  on  finding 
himself  taken.  Von  Kempelen  seized  the  crucibles 
with  both  hands  (which  were  encased  in  gloves  that 
afterwards  turned  out  to  be  asbestic)  and  threw  the 
contents  on  the  tiled  floor.  It  was  now  that  they 
handcuffed  him ;  and,  before  proceeding  to  ransack 
the  premises,  they  searched  his  person,  but  nothing 
unusual  was  found  about  him,  excepting  a  paper 
parcel  in  his  coat  pocket,  containing  what  was  after- 
255 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

wards  ascertained  to  be  a  mixture  of  antimony  and 
some  ufiknown  substance,  in  nearly,  but  not  quite, 
equal  proportions.  All  attempts  at  analyzing  the 
unknown  substance  have,  so  far,  failed,  but  that  it 
will  ultimately  be  analyzed  is  not  to  be  doubted. 

Passing  out  of  the  closet  with  their  prisoner,  the 
officers  went  through  a  sort  of  antechamber,  in  which 
nothing  material  was  found,  to  the  chemist's  sleeping- 
room.  They  here  rummaged  some  drawers  and  boxes, 
but  discovered  only  a  few  papers,  of  no  importance, 
and  some  good  coin,  silver  and  gold.  At  length, 
looking  under  the  bed,  they  saw  a  large,  co?nmon  hair 
trunk,  without  hinges,  hasp,  or  lock,  and  with  the 
top  lying  carelessly  across  the  bottom  portion.  Upon 
attempting  to  draw  this  trunk  out  from  under  the 
bed,  they  found  that,  with  their  united  strength  (there 
were  three  of  them,  all  powerful  men),  they  "  could 
not  stir  it  one  inch."  Much  astonished  at  this,  one 
of  them  crawled  under  the  bed  and,  looking  into  the 
trunk,  said :  — 

"  No  wonder  we  could  n't  move  it  —  why,  it 's  full 
to  the  brim  of  old  bits  of  brass  !  " 

Putting  his  feet,  now,  against  the  wall,  so  as  to  get 
a  good  purchase,  and  pushing  with  all  his  force, 
while  his  companions  pulled  with  all  theirs,  the  trunk 
with  much  difficulty  was  slid  out  from  under  the  bed, 
and  its  contents  examined.  The  supposed  brass  with 
which  it  was  filled  was  all  in  small,  smooth  pieces, 
varying  from  the  size  of  a  pea  to  that  of  a  dollar ; 
but  the  pieces  were  irregular  in  shape,  although  all 
more  or  less  flat  —  looking,  upon  the  whole,  "  very 
much  as  lead  looks  when  thrown  upon  the  ground  in 
a  molten  state,  and  there  suffered  to  grow  cool." 
Now,  not  one  of  these  officers  for  a  moment  suspected 
256 


I 


VON    KEMPELEN    AND    HIS    DISCOVERY 

this  metal  to  be  anything  but  brass.  The  idea  of  its 
being  gold  never  entered  their  brains,  of  course ;  how 
could  such  a  wild  fancy  have  entered  it  ?  And  their 
astonishment  may  be  well  conceived  when  next  day 
it  became  known,  all  over  Bremen,  that  the  "  lot  of 
brass  "  which  they  had  carted  so  contemptuously  to 
the  police  office,  without  putting  themselves  to  the 
trouble  of  pocketing  the  smallest  scrap,  was  not  only 
gold  —  real  gold  —  but  gold  far  finer  than  any  em- 
ployed in  coinage ;  gold,  in  fact,  absolutely  pure, 
virgin,  without  the  slightest  appreciable  alloy! 

I  need  not  go  over  the  details  of  Von  Kempelen's 
confession  (as  far  as  it  went)  and  release,  for  these  are 
familiar  to  the  public.  That  he  has  actually  realized, 
in  spirit  and  in  effect,  if  not  to  the  letter,  the  old 
chimera  of  the  philosopher's  stone,  no  sane  person 
is  at  liberty  to  doubt.  The  opinions  of  Arago  are, 
of  course,  entitled  to  the  greatest  consideration;  but 
he  is  by  no  means  infaUible;  and  what  he  says  of 
bismuth^  in  his  report  to  the  academy,  must  be  taken 
cum  grano  salis.  The  simple  truth  is  that,  up  to 
this  period,  all  analysis  has  failed;  and,  until  Von 
Kempelen  chooses  to  let  us  have  the  key  to  his  own 
published  enigma,  it  is  more  than  probable  that  the 
matter  will  remain,  for  years,  in  statu  quo.  All  that 
yet  can  fairly  be  said  to  be  known  is  that  '''■pure  gold 
can  be  made  at  will^  and  very  readily^  from  lead,  in 
connection  with  certain  other  substances  in  kind  and 
in  proportions  unkfiown^ 

Speculation,  of  course,  is  busy  as  to  the  immediate 
and  ultimate  results  of  this  discovery ;  a  discovery 
which  few  thinking  persons  will  hesitate  in  referring 
to  an  increased  interest  in  the  matter  of  gold  gener- 
ally, by  the  late  developments  in  California ;  and  this 
VOL.  IV.  —  17  257 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

reflection  brings  us  inevitably  to  another  —  the  ex- 
ceeding inopportuneness  of  Von  Kempelen's  analysis. 
If  many  were  prevented  from  adventuring  to  Califor- 
nia by  the  mere  apprehension  that  gold  would  so 
materially  diminish  in  value,  on  account  of  its  plen- 
tifulness  in  the  mines  there,  as  to  render  the  specu- 
lation of  going  so  far  in  search  of  it  a  doubtful  one, 
what  impression  will  be  wrought  now,  upon  the  minds 
of  those  about  to  emigrate,  and  especially  upon  the 
minds  of  those  actually  in  the  mineral  region,  by  the 
announcement  of  this  astounding  discovery  of  Von 
Kempelen?  a  discovery  which  declares,  in  so  many 
words,  that  beyond  its  intrinsic  worth  for  manufactur- 
ing purposes  (whatever  that  worth  may  be)  gold  now 
is,  or  at  least  soon  will  be  (for  it  cannot  be  supposed 
that  Von  Kempelen  can  long  retain  his  secret),  of  no 
greater  value  than  lead,  and  of  far  inferior  value  to 
silver.  It  is  indeed  exceedingly  difficult  to  speculate 
prospectively  upon  the  consequences  of  the  discovery; 
but  one  thing  may  be  positively  maintained  —  that  the 
announcement  of  the  discovery  six  months  ago  would 
have  had  material  influence  in  regard  to  the  settlement 
of  California. 

In  Europe,  as  yet,  the  most  noticeable  results  have 
been  a  rise  of  two  hundred  per  cent,  in  the  price  of 
lead,  and  nearly  twenty-five  per  cent,  in  that  of  silver. 


258 


MELLONTA    TAUTA 


On  Board  Balloon  "  Skylark,"  April  i,  2848. 
INI  OW,  my  dear  friend  —  now,  for  your  sins,  you  are 
to  suffer  the  infliction  of  a  long  gossiping  letter.  I 
tell  you  distinctly  that  I  am  going  to  punish  you  for 
all  your  impertinences  by  being  as  tedious  as  discur- 
sive, as  incoherent  and  as  unsatisfactory  as  possible. 
Besides,  here  I  am,  cooped  up  in  a  dirty  balloon,  with 
some  one  or  two  hundred  of  the  canaille,  all  bound  on 
a  pleasure  excursion  (what  a  funny  idea  some  people 
have  of  pleasure  !),  and  I  have  no  prospect  of  touch- 
ing terra firma  for  a  month  at  least.  Nobody  to  talk 
to.  Nothing  to  do.  When  one  has  nothing  to  do, 
then  is  the  time  to  correspond  with  one's  friends. 
You  perceive,  then,  why  it  is  that  I  write  you  this 
letter  —  it  is  on  account  of  my  ennui  and  your  sins. 

Get  ready  your  spectacles  and  make  up  your  mind 
to  be  annoyed.  I  mean  to  write  at  you  every  day 
during  this  odious  voyage. 

Heigho !  when  will  any  Invention  visit  the  human 
pericranium  ?  Are  we  forever  to  be  doomed  to  the 
thousand  inconveniences  of  the  balloon  ?  Will  no- 
body contrive  a  more  expeditious  mode  of  progress .? 
This  jog-trot  movement,  to  my  thinking,  is  little  less 
than  positive  torture.  Upon  my  word  we  have  not 
made  more  than  a  hundred  miles  the  hour  since  leav- 
ing home!  The  very  birds  beat  us  —  at  least  some 
259 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

of  them.  I  assure  you  that  I  do  not  exaggerate  at  all. 
Our  motion,  no  doubt,  seems  slower  than  it  actually  is; 
this  on  account  of  our  having  no  objects  about  us  by 
which  to  estimate  our  velocity,  and  on  account  of  our 
going  with  the  wind.  To  be  sure,  whenever  we  meet 
a  balloon  we  have  a  chance  of  perceiving  our  rate,  and 
then,  I  admit,  things  do  not  appear  so  very  bad.  Ac- 
customed as  I  am  to  this  mode  of  travelling,  I  cannot 
get  over  a  kind  of  giddiness  whenever  a  balloon  passes 
us  in  a  current  directly  overhead.  It  always  seems  to 
me  like  an  immense  bird  of  prey  about  to  pounce  upon 
us  and  carry  us  off  in  its  claws.  One  went  over  us 
this  morning  about  sunrise,  and  so  nearly  overhead 
that  its  drag-rope  actually  brushed  the  net-work  sus- 
pending our  car,  and  caused  us  very  serious  apprehen- 
sion. Our  captain  said  that,  if  the  material  of  the  bag 
had  been  the  trumpery  varnished  "silk"  of  five  hun- 
dred or  a  thousand  years  ago,  we  should  inevitably 
have  been  damaged.  This  silk,  as  he  explained  it  to 
me,  was  a  fabric  composed  of  the  entrails  of  a  species 
of  earth-worm.  The  worm  was  carefully  fed  on  mul- 
berries —  a  kind  of  fruit  resembling  a  watermelon  — 
and,  when  sufficiently  fat,  was  crushed  in  a  mill.  The 
paste  thus  arising  was  called  papyrus  in  its  primary 
state,  and  went  through  a  variety  of  processes  until  it 
finally  became  "  silk."  Singular  to  relate,  it  was  once 
much  admired  as  an  article  of  female  dress !  Balloons 
were  also  very  generally  constructed  from  it.  A  better 
kind  of  material,  it  appears,  was  subsequently  found  in 
the  down  surrounding  the  seed-vessels  of  a  plant  vul- 
garly called  euphorbium,  and  at  that  time  botanically 
termed  milkweed.  This  latter  kind  of  silk  was  desig- 
nated as  silk-buckingham,  on  account  of  its  superior 
durability,  and  was  usually  prepared  for  use  by  being 
260 


MELLONTA  TAUTA 

varnished  with  a  solution  of  gum  caoutchouc  —  a  sub- 
stance which  in  some  respects  must  have  resembled 
the  gutta-percha  now  in  common  use.  This  caout- 
chouc was  occasionally  called  India  rubber  or  rubber 
of  whist,  and  was  no  doubt  one  of  the  numerous /?/;z^/. 
Never  tell  me  again  that  I  am  not  at  heart  an  anti- 
quarian. 

Talking  of  drag-ropes  —  our  own,  it  seems,  has  this 
moment  knocked  a  man  overboard  from  one  of  the 
small  magnetic  propellers  that  swarm  in  ocean  below 
us,  a  boat  of  about  six  thousand  tons  and,  from  all 
accounts,  shamefully  crowded.  These  diminutive 
barks  should  be  prohibited  from  carrying  more  than 
a  definite  number  of  passengers.  The  man,  of  course, 
was  not  permitted  to  get  on  board  again,  and  was  soon 
out  of  sight,  he  and  his  life-preserver.  I  rejoice,  my 
dear  friend,  that  we  live  in  an  age  so  enlightened  that 
no  such  a  thing  as  an  individual  is  supposed  to  exist. 
It  is  the  mass  for  which  the  true  Humanity  cares.  By 
the  bye,  talking  of  Humanity,  do  you  know  that  our 
immortal  Wiggins  is  not  so  original,  in  his  views  of 
the  Social  Condition  and  so  forth,  as  his  contempo- 
raries are  inclined  to  suppose  ?  Pundit  assures  me 
that  the  same  ideas  were  put,  nearly  in  the  same  way, 
about  a  thousand  years  ago,  by  an  Irish  philosopher 
called  Furrier,  on  account  of  his  keeping  a  retail  shop 
for  cat  peltries  and  other  furs.  Pundit  knows,  you 
know;  there  can  be  no  mistake  about  it.  How  very 
wonderfully  do  we  see  verified  every  day  the  profound 
observation  of  the  Hindoo  Aries  Tottle  (as  quoted  by 
Pundit)  —  "  Thus  must  we  say  that,  not  once  or  twice, 
or  a  few  times,  but  with  almost  infinite  repetitions,  the 
same  opinions  come  round  in  a  circle  among  men." 
April  2.  —  Spoke  to-day  the  magnetic  cutter  in 
261 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

charge  of  the  middle  section  of  floating  telegraph 
wires.  I  learn  that  when  this  species  of  telegraph 
was  first  put  into  operation  by  Horse,  it  was  considered 
quite  impossible  to  convey  the  wires  over  sea ;  but 
now  we  are  at  a  loss  to  comprehend  where  the  diffi- 
culty lay !  So  wags  the  world.  Te?npora  77tutantur 
—  excuse  me  for  quoting  the  Etruscan.  What  would 
we  do  without  the  Atalantic  telegraph  ?  (Pundit  says 
Atlantic  was  the  ancient  adjective.)  We  lay  to,  a  few 
minutes,  to  ask  the  cutter  some  questions,  and  learned, 
among  other  glorious  news,  that  civil  war  is  raging 
in  Africia,  while  the  plague  is  doing  its  good  work 
beautifully  both  in  Yurope  and  Ayesher.  Is  it  not 
truly  remarkable  that,  before  the  magnificent  hght 
shed  upon  philosophy  by  Humanity,  the  world  was 
accustomed  to  regard  War  and  Pestilence  as  calami- 
ties ?  Do  you  know  that  prayers  were  actually  offered 
up  in  the  ancient  temples  to  the  end  that  these  evils  {\) 
might  not  be  visited  upon  mankind?  Is  it  not  really 
difficult  to  comprehend  upon  what  principle  of  interest 
our  forefathers  acted?  Were  they  so  blind  as  not  to 
perceive  that  the  destruction  of  a  myriad  of  individuals 
is  only  so  much  positive  advantage  to  the  mass  ! 

April  3. —  It  is  really  a  very  fine  amusement  to 
ascend  the  rope-ladder  leading  to  the  summit  of  the 
balloon-bag  and  thence  survey  the  surrounding  world. 
From  the  car  below,  you  know,  the  prospect  is  not  so 
comprehensive  —  you  can  see  little  vertically.  But 
seated  here  (where  I  write  this)  in  the  luxuriously- 
cushioned  open  piazza  of  the  summit,  one  can  see 
everything  that  is  going  on  in  all  directions.  Just 
now,  there  is  quite  a  crowd  of  balloons  in  sight,  and 
they  present  a  very  animated  appearance,  while  the 
air  is  resonant  with  the  hum  of  so  many  millions  of 
262 


MELLONTA   TAUTA 

human  voices.  I  have  heard  it  asserted  that  when 
Yellow  or  (as  Pundit  will  have  it)  Violet,  who  is  sup- 
posed to  have  been  the  first  aeronaut,  maintained  the 
practicability  of  traversing  the  atmosphere  in  all  direc- 
tions, by  merely  ascending  or  descending  until  a  favor- 
able current  was  attained,  he  was  scarcely  hearkened 
to  at  all  by  his  contemporaries,  who  looked  upon  him 
as  merely  an  ingenious  sort  of  madman,  because  the 
philosophers  (?)  of  the  day  declared  the  thing  impos- 
sible. Really  now  it  does  seem  to  me  quite  unac- 
countable how  anything  so  obviously  feasible  could 
have  escaped  the  sagacity  of  the  ancient  savants.  But 
in  all  ages  the  great  obstacles  to  advancement  in  art 
have  been  opposed  by  the  so-called  men  of  science. 
To  be  sure,  our  men  of  science  are  not  quite  so  bigoted 
as  those  of  old :  —  oh,  I  have  something  so  queer  to  tell 
you  on  this  topic.  Do  3'Ou  know  that  it  is  not  more 
than  a  thousand  years  ago  since  the  metaphysicians 
consented  to  relieve  the  people  of  the  singular  fancy 
that  there  existed  but  two  possible  roads  for  the  attain- 
ment of  Truth  !  Believe  it  if  you  can  !  It  appears 
that  long,  long  ago,  in  the  night  of  Time,  there  lived 
a  Turkish  philosopher  (or  Hindoo  possibly)  called 
Aries  Tottle.  This  person  introduced,  or  at  all  events 
propagated,  what  was  termed  the  deductive  or  aprio?'i 
mode  of  investigation.  He  started  with  what  he 
maintained  to  be  axioms  or  "  self-evident  truths," 
and  thence  proceeded  "logically"  to  results.  His 
greatest  disciples  were  one  Neuclid  and  one  Cant. 
Well,  Aries  Tottle  flourished  supreme  until  the  advent 
of  one  Hog,  surnamed  the  "  Ettrick  Shepherd,"  who 
preached  an  entirely  different  system,  which  he  called 
a  posteriori  or  zwductive.  His  plan  referred  altogether 
to  Sensation.  He  proceeded  by  observing,  analyzing, 
263 


I 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

and  classifying  facts  —  instanticB  nattifCB,  as  they 
were  affectedly  called  —  into  general  laws.  Aries 
Tottle's  mode,  in  a  word,  was  based  on  ^loiunena ; 
Hog's  on  phenofuena.  Well,  so  great  was  the  admira- 
tion excited  by  this  latter  system  that,  at  its  first 
introduction,  Aries  Tottle  fell  into  disrepute ;  but 
finally  he  recovered  ground  and  was  permitted  to 
divide  the  realm  of  Truth  with  his  more  modern  rival. 
The  savants  now  maintained  that  the  Aristotelian  and 
Baconian  roads  were  the  sole  possible  avenues  to 
knowledge.  "  Baconian,"  you  must  know,  was  an 
adjective  invented  as  equivalent  to  Hog-ian  and  more 
euphonious  and  dignified. 

Now,  my  dear  friend,  I  do  assure  you  most  posi- 
tively that  I  represent  this  matter  fairly,  on  the  sound- 
est authority;  and  you  can  easily  understand  how  a 
notion  so  absurd  on  its  very  face  must  have  operated 
to  retard  the  progress  of  all  true  knowledge,  which 
makes  its  advances  almost  invariably  by  intuitive 
bounds.  The  ancient  idea  confined  investigation  to 
crawling;  and  for  hundreds  of  years  so  great  was 
the  infatuation,  about  Hog  especially,  that  a  virtual 
end  was  put  to  all  thinking  properly  so  called.  No 
man  dared  utter  a  truth  to  which  he  felt  himself 
indebted  to  his  Soul  alone.  It  mattered  not  whether 
the  truth  was  even  demonstrably  a  truth,  for  the  bullet- 
headed  savants  of  the  time  regarded  only  the  road  hy 
which  he  had  attained  it.  They  would  not  even  look 
at  the  end.  "  Let  us  see  the  means,"  they  cried,  "  the 
means  !  "  If,  upon  investigation  of  the  means,  it  was 
found  to  come  neither  under  the  category  Aries  (that 
is  to  say  Ram)  nor  under  the  category'  Hog,  why 
then  the  savants  went  no  farther,  but  pronounced  the 
264 


MELLONTA   TAUTA 

"theorist  "  a  fool,  and  would  have  nothing  to  do  with 
him  or  his  truth. 

Now,  it  cannot  be  maintained,  even,  that  by  the 
crawling  system  the  greatest  amount  of  truth  would 
be  attained  in  any  long  series  of  ages,  for  the  repres- 
sion of  imagination  was  an  evil  not  to  be  compensated 
for  by  any  superior  certainty  in  the  ancient  modes  of 
investigation.  The  error  of  these  Jurmains,  these 
Vrinch,  these  Inglitch,  and  these  Amriccans  (the 
latter,  by  the  way,  were  our  own  immediate  progeni- 
tors) was  an  error  quite  analogous  with  that  of  the 
wiseacre  who  fancies  that  he  must  necessarily  see  an 
object  the  better  the  more  closely  he  holds  it  to  his 
eyes.  These  people  blinded  themselves  by  details. 
When  they  proceeded  Hoggishly,  their  "  facts  "  were 
by  no  means  always  facts;  a  matter  of  little  conse- 
quence had  it  not  been  for  assuming  that  they  were 
facts  and  must  be  facts  because  they  appeared  to  be 
such.  When  they  proceeded  on  the  path  of  the  Ram, 
their  course  was  scarcely  as  straight  as  a  ram's  horn, 
for  they  never  had  an  axiom  which  was  an  axiom  at 
all.  They  must  have  been  very  blind  not  to  see  this, 
even  in  their  own  day;  for  even  in  their  own  day  many 
of  the  long  "  established  "  axioms  had  been  rejected. 
For  example  —  "  Ex  nihilo,  nihil  Jit;  "  "  a  body  can- 
not act  where  it  is  not;"  "there  cannot  exist  antipo- 
des ;  "  "  darkness  cannot  come  out  of  light ;  "  all 
these,  and  a  dozen  other  similar  propositions,  formerly 
admitted  without  hesitation  as  axioms,  were,  even  at 
the  period  of  which  I  speak,  seen  to  be  untenable. 
How  absurd  in  these  people,  then,  to  persist  in  putting 
faith  in  "  axioms  "  as  immutable  bases  of  Truth  !  But 
even  out  of  the  mouths  of  their  soundest  reasoners  it 
is  easy  to  demonstrate  the  futility,  the  impalpability 
265 


EXTRAVAGANZA    AND    CAPRICE 

of  their  axioms  in  general.  Who  was  the  soundest 
of  their  logicians  ?  Let  me  see  !  I  will  go  and  ask 
Pundit  and  be  back  in  a  minute.  .  .  .  Ah,  here  we 
have  it !  Here  is  a  book  written  nearly  a  thousand 
years  ago  and  lately  translated  from  the  Inglitch  — 
which,  by  the  way,  appears  to  have  been  the  rudiment 
of  the  Amriccan.  Pundit  says  it  is  decidedly  the 
cleverest  ancient  work  on  its  topic.  Logic.  The  author 
(who  was  much  thought  of  in  his  day)  was  one  Miller, 
or  Mill;  and  we  find  it  recorded  of  him,  as  a  point 
of  some  importance,  that  he  had  a  mill-horse  called 
Bentham.     But  let  us  glance  at  the  treatise. 

Ah!  —  "Ability  or  inability  to  conceive,"  says  Mr. 
Mill,  very  properly,  "  is  in  no  case  to  be  received  as  a 
criterion  of  axiomatic  truth."  What  7nodern  in  his 
senses  would  ever  think  of  disputing  this  truism? 
The  only  wonder  with  us  must  be  how  it  happened 
that  Mr.  Mill  conceived  it  necessary  even  to  hint  at 
anything  so  obvious.  So  far  good  —  but  let  us  turn 
over  another  page.  What  have  we  here  ?  —  "  Contra- 
dictories cannot  both  be  true  —  that  is,  cannot  co-exist 
in  nature."  Here  Mr.  Mill  means,  for  example,  that 
a  tree  must  be  either  a  tree  or  not  a  tree  ;  that  it 
cannot  be  at  the  same  time  a  tree  and  not  a  tree. 
Very  well;  but  I  ask  him  why.  His  reply  is  this, 
and  never  pretends  to  be  anything  else  than  this  — 
"  Because  it  is  impossible  to  conceive  that  contradic- 
tories can  both  be  true."  But  this  is  no  answer  at  all, 
by  his  own  showing ;  for  has  he  not  just  admitted  as 
a  truism  that  "  abihty  or  inability  to  conceive  is  in  no 
case  to  be  received  as  a  criterion  of  axiomatic  truth." 

Now  I  do  not  complain  of  these  ancients  so  much 
because  their  logic  is,  by  their  own  showing,  utterly 
baseless,  worthless,  and  fantastic  altogether,  as  because 
266 


MELLONTA   TAUTA 

of  their  pompous  and  imbecile  proscription  of  all  other 
roads  of  Truth,  of  all  other  means  for  its  attainment 
than  the  two  preposterous  paths  —  the  one  of  creeping 
and  the  one  of  crawling  —  to  which  they  have  dared 
to  confine  the  Soul  that  loves  nothing  so  well  as  to 
soar. 

By  the  bye,  my  dear  friend,  do  you  not  think  it  would 
have  puzzled  these  ancient  dogma ticians  to  have  deter- 
mined by  which  of  their  two  roads  it  was  that  the 
most  important  and  most  sublime  of  all  their  truths 
was,  in  effect,  attained?  I  mean  the  truth  of  Gravita- 
tion. Newton  owed  it  to  Kepler.  Kepler  admitted 
that  his  three  laws  were  guessed  at :  these  three  laws 
of  all  laws  which  led  the  great  Inglitch  mathematician 
to  his  principle,  the  basis  of  all  physical  principle,  to 
go  behind  which  we  must  enter  the  Kingdom  of  Met- 
aphysics. Kepler  guessed,  that  is  to  say  hnagined. 
He  was  essentially  a  "theorist,"  that  word  now  of 
so  much  sanctity,  formerly  an  epithet  of  contempt. 
Would  it  not  have  puzzled  these  old  moles,  too,  to 
have  explained  by  which  of  the  two  *'  roads  "  a  cryp- 
tographist  unriddles  a  cryptograph  of  more  than  usual 
secrecy,  or  by  which  of  the  two  roads  Champollion 
directed  mankind  to  those  enduring  and  almost  in- 
numerable truths  which  resulted  from  his  deciphering 
the  Hieroglyphics  } 

One  word  more  on  this  topic  and  I  will  be  done 
boring  you.  Is  it  not  passing  strange  that,  with  their 
eternal  prating  about  roads  to  Truth,  these  bigoted 
people  missed  what  we  now  so  clearly  perceive  to  be 
the  great  highway  —  that  of  Consistency  ?  Does  it 
not  seem  singular  how  they  should  have  failed  to 
deduce  from  the  works  of  God  the  vital  fact  that  a 
perfect  consistency  intist  be  an  absolute  truth  !  How 
267 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

plain  has  been  our  progress  since  the  late  announce- 
ment of  this  proposition !  Investigation  has  been 
taken  out  of  the  hands  of  the  ground-moles  and  given, 
as  a  task,  to  the  true  and  only  true  thinkers,  the  men 
of  ardent  imagination.  These  latter  theorize.  Can 
you  not  fancy  the  shout  of  scorn  with  which  my  words 
would  be  received  by  our  progenitors  were  it  possible 
for  them  to  be  now  looking  over  my  shoulder  ?  These 
men,  I  say,  theorize;  and  their  theories  are  simply 
corrected,  reduced,  systematized  —  cleared,  little  by 
little,  of  their  dross  of  inconsistency  —  until  finally  a 
perfect  consistency  stands  apparent  which  even  the 
most  stolid  admit,  because  it  is  a  consistency,  to  be 
an  absolute  and  an  unquestionable  truth. 

April  4.  —  The  new  gas  is  doing  wonders,  in  con- 
junction with  the  new  improvement  with  gutta-percha. 
How  very  safe,  commodious,  manageable,  and  in 
every  respect  convenient  are  our  modern  balloons! 
Here  is  an  immense  one  approaching  us  at  the  rate 
of  at  least  a  hundred  and  fifty  miles  an  hour.  It 
seems  to  be  crowded  with  people  —  perhaps  there  are 
three  or  four  hundred  passengers  —  and  yet  it  soars 
to  an  elevation^  of  nearly  a  mile,  looking  down  upon 
poor  us  with  sovereign  contempt.  Still  a  hundred  or 
even  two  hundred  miles  an  hour  is  slow  travelling, 
after  all.  Do  you  remember  our  flight  on  the  rail- 
road across  the  Kanadaw  continent.?  —  fully  three 
hundred  miles  the  hour  —  that  was  travelling.  Noth- 
ing to  be  seen,  though ;  nothing  to  be  done  but  flirt, 
feast,  and  dance  in  the  magnificent  saloons.  Do  you  re- 
member what  an  odd  sensation  was  experienced  when, 
by  chance,  we  caught  a  glimpse  of  external  objects 
while  the  cars  were  in  full  flight  ?  Everything  seemed 
unique  —  in  one  mass.  For  my  part,  I  cannot  say  but 
268 


MELLONTA   TAUTA 

that  I  preferred  the  travelling  by  the  slow  train  of  a 
hundred  miles  the  hour.  Here  we  were  permitted  to 
have  glass  windows,  even  to  have  them  open,  and 
something  like  a  distinct  view  of  the  country  was 
attainable.  .  .  .  Pundit  says  that  the  route  for  the 
great  Kanadaw  railroad  must  have  been  in  some 
measure  marked  out  about  nine  hundred  years  ago ! 
In  fact,  he  goes  so  far  as  to  assert  that  actual  traces 
of  a  road  are  still  discernible,  traces  referable  to  a 
period  quite  as  remote  as  that  mentioned.  The  track, 
it  appears,  was  double  only ;  ours,  you  know,  has  twelve 
paths ;  and  three  or  four  new  ones  are  in  preparation. 
The  ancient  rails  were  very  slight,  and  placed  so  close 
together  as  to  be,  according  to  modern  notions,  quite 
frivolous,  if  not  dangerous  in  the  extreme.  The  pres- 
ent width  of  track  —  fifty  feet  —  is  considered,  indeed, 
scarcely  secure  enough.  For  my  part,  I  make  no 
doubt  that  a  track  of  some  sort  must  have  existed  in 
very  remote  times,  as  Pundit  asserts ;  for  nothing  can 
be  clearer  to  my  mind  than  that,  at  some  period  — 
not  less  than  seven  centuries  ago,  certainly  —  the 
Northern  and  Southern  Kanadaw  continents  were 
united;  the  Kanawdians,  then,  would  have  been 
driven  by  necessity,  to  a  great  railroad  across  the 
continent. 

April  5.  —  I  am  almost  devoured  by  ennui.  Pundit 
is  the  only  conversible  person  on  board;  and  he,  poor 
soul!  can  speak  of  nothing  but  antiquities.  He  has 
been  occupied  all  the  day  in  the  attempt  to  convince 
me  that  the  ancient  Amriccans  ^^2/*?^;^^^  themselves  ! 
—  did  ever  anybody  hear  of  such  an  absurdity  ?  —  that 
they  existed  in  a  sort  of  every-man-for-himself  con« 
federacy,  after  the  fashion  of  the  "  prairie  dogs  "  that 
we  read  of  in  fable.  He  says  that  they  started  with 
269 


EXTRAVAGANZA  AND   CAPRICE 

the  queerest  idea  conceivable,  viz. :  that  all  men  are 
born  free  and  equal—  this  in  the  very  teeth  of  the  laws 
of  gradation  so  visibly  impressed  upon  all  things  both 
in  the  moral  and  physical  universe.  Every  man 
"voted,"  as  they  called  it  —  that  is  to  say,  meddled 
with  public  affairs  —  until,  at  length,  it  was  discovered 
that  what  is  everybody's  business  is  nobody's,  and 
that  the  "  Republic  "  (so  the  absurd  thing  was  called) 
was  without  a  government  at  all.  It  is  related,  how- 
ever, that  the  first  circumstance  which  disturbed,  very 
particularly,  the  self-complacency  of  the  philosophers 
who  constructed  this  "  Republic,"  was  the  startling 
discovery  that  universal  suffrage  gave  opportunity  for 
fraudulent  schemes,  by  means  of  which  any  desired 
number  of  votes  might  at  any  time  be  polled,  without 
the  possibility  of  prevention  or  even  detection,  by  any 
party  which  should  be  merely  villanous  enough  not  to 
be  ashamed  of  the  fraud.  A  little  reflection  upon  this 
discovery  sufficed  to  render  evident  the  consequences, 
which  were  that  rascality  must  predominate,  in  a  word, 
that  a  republican  government  co'uhi  never  be  anything 
but  a  rascally  one.  While  the  philosophers,  however, 
were  busied  in  blushing  at  their  stupidity  in  not  hav- 
ing foreseen  these  inevitable  evils,  and  intent  upon 
the  invention  of  new  theories,  the  matter  was  put  to 
an  abrupt  issue  by  a  fellow  of  the  name  of  "  Mob," 
who  took  everything  into  his  own  hands  and  set  up  a 
despotism,  in  comparison  with  which  those  of  the 
fabulous  Zeros  and  Hellofagabaluses  were  respecta- 
ble and  delectable.  This  "  Mob  "  (a  foreigner,  by  the 
bye)  is  said  to  have  been  the  most  odious  of  all  men 
that  ever  encumbered  the  earth.  He  was  a  giant  in 
stature  —  insolent,  rapacious,  filthy ;  had  the  gall  of 
a  bullock  with  the  heart  of  an  hyena  and  the  brains  of 
270 


MELLONTA   TAUTA 

a  peacock.  He  died,  at  length,  by  dint  of  his  own 
energies,  which  exhausted  him.  Nevertheless,  he 
had  his  uses,  as  everything  has,  however  vile,  and 
taught  mankind  a  lesson  which  to  this  day  it  is  in  no 
danger  of  forgetting  —  never  to  run  directly  contrary 
to  the  natural  analogies.  As  for  Republicanism,  no 
analogy  could  be  found  for  it  upon  the  face  of  the 
earth,  unless  we  except  the  case  of  the  "  prairie 
dogs,"  an  exception  which  seems  to  demonstrate,  if 
anything,  that  democracy  is  a  very  admirable  form 
of  government  —  for  dogs. 

April  6.  —  Last  night  had  a  fine  view  of  Alpha 
Lyrae,  whose  disk,  through  our  captain's  spy-glass, 
subtends  an  angle  of  half  a  degree,  looking  very  much 
as  our  sun  does  to  the  naked  eye  on  a  misty  day. 
Alpha  Lyra^,  although  so  very  much  larger  than  our 
sun,  by  the  bye,  resembles  him  closely  as  regards  its 
spots,  its  atmosphere,  and  in  many  other  particulars. 
It  is  only  within  the  last  century,  Pundit  tells  me, 
that  the  binary  relation  existing  between  these  two 
orbs  began  even  to  be  suspected.  The  evident  mo- 
tion of  our  system  in  the  heavens  was  (strange  to 
say  !)  referred  to  an  orbit  about  a  prodigious  star  in 
the  centre  of  the  galaxy.  About  this  star,  or  at  all 
events  about  a  centre  of  gravity  common  to  all  the 
globes  of  the  Milky  Way  and  supposed  to  be  near 
Alcyone  in  the  Pleiades,  every  one  of  these  globes 
was  declared  to  be  revolving,  our  own  performing  the 
circuit  in  a  period  of  117,000,000  of  years  !  We,  with 
our  present  lights,  our  vast  telescopic  improvements, 
and  so  forth,  of  course  find  it  difficult  to  comprehend 
the  ground  of  an  idea  such  as  this.  Its  first  propa- 
gator was  one  Mudler.  He  was  led,  we  must  pre- 
sume, to  this  wild  hypothesis  by  mere  analogy  in  the 
271 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND    CAPRICE 

first  instance ;  but,  this  being  the  case,  he  should 
have  at  least  adhered  to  analogy  in  its  development. 
A  great  central  orb  ivas^  in  fact,  suggested  ;  so  far 
Mudler  was  consistent.  This  central  orb,  however, 
dynamically,  should  have  been  greater  than  all  its 
surrounding  orbs  taken  together.  The  question  might 
then  have  been  asked  —  "  Why  do  we  not  see  it  t " 
we^  especially,  who  occupy  the  mid  region  of  the  cluster, 
the  very  locality  7iear  which,  at  least,  must  be  situated 
this  inconceivable  central  sun.  The  astronomer,  per- 
haps, at  this  point  took  refuge  in  the  suggestion  of 
non-luminosity;  and  here  analogy  was  suddenly  let 
fall.  But,  even  admitting  the  central  orb  non-lumi- 
nous, how  did  he  manage  to  explain  its  failure  to  be 
rendered  visible  by  the  incalculable  host  of  glorious 
suns  glaring  in  all  directions  about  it.''  No  doubt 
what  he  finally  maintained  was  merely  a  centre  of 
gravity  common  to  all  the  revolving  orbs ;  but  here 
again  analogy  must  have  been  let  fall.  Our  system 
revolves,  it  is  true,  about  a  common  centre  of  gravity, 
but  it  does  this  in  connection  with  and  in  consequence 
of  a  material  sun  whose  mass  more  than  counter- 
balances the  rest  of  the  system.  The  mathematical 
circle  is  a  curve  composed  of  an  infinity  of  straight 
lines ;  but  this  idea  of  the  circle  —  this  idea  of  it 
which,  in  regard  to  all  earthly  geometry,  we  consider 
as  merely  the  mathematical,  in  contradistinction  from 
the  practical,  idea  —  is,  in  sober  fact,  the  practical 
conception  which  alone  we  have  any  right  to  enter- 
tain in  respect  to  those  Titanic  circles  with  which  we 
have  to  deal,  at  least  in  fancy,  when  we  suppose  our 
system,  with  its  fellows,  revolving  about  a  point  in 
the  centre  of  the  galaxy.  Let  the  most  vigorous  of 
human  imaginations  but  attempt  to  take  a  single  step 
272 


MELLONTA   TAUTA 

towards  the  comprehension  of  a  circuit  so  unutterable  ! 
It  would  scarcely  be  paradoxical  to  say  that  a  flash  of 
lightning  itself,  travelling  forever  upon  the  circum- 
ference of  this  inconceivable  circle,  would  s\SSS.  forever 
be  travelling  in  a  straight  line.  That  the  path  of  our 
sun  along  such  a  circumference  —  that  the  direction 
of  our  system  in  such  an  orbit  —  would,  to  any  human 
perception,  deviate  in  the  slightest  degree  from  a 
straight  line  even  in  a  million  of  years,  is  a  proposi- 
tion not  to  be  entertained;  and  yet  these  ancient 
astronomers  were  absolutely  cajoled,  it  appears,  into 
believing  that  a  decisive  curvature  had  become  ap- 
parent during  the  brief  period  of  their  astronomical 
history  —  during  the  mere  point  —  during  the  utter 
nothingness  of  two  or  three  thousand  years  !  How 
incomprehensible  that  considerations  such  as  this 
did  not  at  once  indicate  to  them  the  true  state  of 
affairs,  that  of  the  binary  revolution  of  our  sun  and 
Alpha  Lyrae  around  a  common  centre  of  gravity ! 

April  7.  —  Continued  last  night  our  astronomical 
amusements.  Had  a  fine  view  of  the  five  Nepturian 
asteroids,  and  watched  with  much  interest  the  putting 
up  of  a  huge  impost  on  a  couple  of  lintels  in  the  new 
temple  at  Daphnis  in  the  moon.  It  was  amusing  to 
think  that  creatures  so  diminutive  as  the  lunarians, 
and  bearing  so  little  resemblance  to  humanity,  yet 
evinced  a  mechanical  ingenuity  so  much  superior  to 
our  own.  One  finds  it  difficult,  too,  to  conceive  the 
vast  masses,  which  these  people  handle  so  easily,  to 
be  as  light  as  our  reason  tells  us  they  actually  are. 

April  8.  —  Eureka  !  Pundit  is  in  his  glory.  A 
balloon  from  Kanadaw  spoke  us  to-day  and  threw  on 
board  several  late  papers ;  they  contain  some  ex- 
ceedingly curious  information  relative  to  Kanawdian 
VOL.  IV.  —  18  273 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

or  rather  Amriccan  antiquities.  You  know,  I  pre- 
sume, that  laborers  have  for  some  months  been 
employed  in  preparing  the  ground  for  a  new  fountain 
at  Paradise,  the  emperor's  principal  pleasure  garden. 
Paradise,  it  appears,  has  been,  literally  speaking  an 
island  time  out  of  mind  —  that  is  to  say,  its  northern 
boundary  was  always  (as  far  back  as  any  records 
extend)  a  rivulet,  or  rather  a  very  narrow  arm  of  the 
sea.  This  arm  was  gradually  widened  until  it  at- 
tained its  present  breadth  —  a  mile.  The  whole  length 
of  the  island  is  nine  miles ;  the  breadth  varies  materi- 
ally. The  entire  area  (so  Pundit  says)  was,  about 
eight  hundred  years  ago,  densely  packed  with  houses, 
some  of  them  twenty  stories  high  ;  land  (for  some 
most  unaccountable  reason)  being  considered  as  especi- 
ally precious  just  in  this  vicinity.  The  disastrous  earth- 
quake, however,  of  the  year  2050,  so  totally  uprooted 
and  overwhelmed  the  town  (for  it  was  almost  too  large 
to  be  called  a  village)  that  the  most  indefatigable  of 
our  antiquarians  have  never  yet  been  able  to  obtain 
from  the  site  any  sufficient  data  (in  the  shape  of  coins, 
medals,  or  inscriptions)  wherewith  to  build  up  even  the 
ghost  of  a  theory  concerning  the  manners,  customs, 
etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  of  the  aboriginal  inhabitants.  Nearly 
all  that  we  have  hitherto  known  of  them  is,  that  they 
were  a  portion  of  the  Knickerbocker  tribe  of  savages 
infesting  the  continent  at  its  first  discovery  by  Re- 
corder Riker,  a  knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece.  They 
were  by  no  means  uncivilized,  however,  but  cultivated 
various  arts  and  even  sciences  after  a  fashion  of  their 
own.  It  is  related  of  them  that  they  were  acute  in 
many  respects,  but  were  oddly  afflicted  with  a  mono- 
mania for  building  what,  in  the  ancient  Amriccan, 
was  denominated  "  churches  "  —  a  kind  of  pagoda  insti- 
274 


MELLONTA  TAUTA 

tuted  for  the  worship  of  two  idols  that  went  by  the 
names  of  Wealth  and  Fashion.  In  the  end,  it  is  said, 
the  island  became,  nine-tenths  of  it,  church.  The 
women,  too,  it  appears,  were  oddly  deformed  by  a 
natural  protuberance  of  the  region  just  below  the 
small  of  the  back  —  although,  most  unaccountably, 
this  deformity  was  looked  upon  altogether  in  the  light 
of  a  beauty.  One  or  two  pictures  of  these  singular 
women  have,  in  fact,  been  miraculously  preserved. 
They  look  very  odd,  very  —  like  something  between  a 
turkey-cock  and  a  dromedary. 

Well,  these  few  details  are  nearly  all  that  have 
descended  to  us  respecting  the  ancient  Knicker- 
bockers. It  seems,  however,  that  while  digging  in 
the  centre  of  the  emperor's  garden  (which,  you  know, 
covers  the  whole  island),  some  of  the  workmen  un- 
earthed a  cubical  and  evidently  chiselled  block  of 
granite,  weighing  several  hundred  pounds.  It  was 
in  good  preservation,  having  received,  apparently, 
little  injury  from  the  convulsion  which  entombed  it. 
On  one  of  its  surfaces  was  a  marble  slab  with  (only 
think  of  it!)  ati  inscription  —  a  legible  i?iscription. 
Pundit  is  in  ecstasies.  Upon  detaching  the  slab,  a 
cavity  appeared,  containing  a  leaden  box  filled  with 
various  coins,  a  long  scroll  of  names,  several  docu- 
ments which  appear  to  resemble  newspapers,  with 
other  matters  of  intense  interest  to  the  antiquarian  ! 
There  can  be  no  doubt  that  all  these  are  genuine 
Amriccan  relics  belonging  to  the  tribe  called  Knicker- 
bocker. The  papers  thrown  on  board  our  balloon 
are  filled  with  fac-similes  of  the  coins,  MSS.,  typog- 
raphy, etc.,  etc.  I  copy  for  your  amusement  the 
Knickerbocker  inscription  on  the  marble  slab :  — 
275 


EXTRAVAGANZA   AND   CAPRICE 

THIS  CORNER-STONE  OF  A  MONUMENT  TO  THE 
MEMORY    OF 

GEORGE  WASHINGTON' 

WAS   LAID    WITH   APPROPRIATE    CEREMONIES   ON   THE 

I9TH  DAY  OF  OCTOBER,    1 847, 

THE   ANNIVERSARY   OF  THE   SURRENDER   OF 

LORD   CORNWALLIS 

TO  GENERAL   WASHINGTON   AT  YORKTOWN, 

A.    D.    I781, 

UNDER  THE  AUSPICES  OF  THE 

WASHINGTON    MONUMENT  ASSOCIATION   OF  THE 

CITY  OF  NEW  YORK. 

This,  as  I  give  it,  is  a  verbati7n  translation  done 
by  Pundit  himself,  so  there  can  be  no  mistake  about 
it.  From  the  few  words  thus  preserved  we  glean 
several  important  items  of  knowledge,  not  the  least 
interesting  of  which  is  the  fact  that  a  thousand  years 
ago  actual  monuments  had  fallen  into  disuse  —  as 
was  all  very  proper  —  the  people  contenting  them- 
selves, as  we  do  now,  with  a  mere  indication  of  the 
design  to  erect  a  monument  at  some  future  time ;  a 
corner-stone  being  cautiously  laid  by  itself  "  solitary 
and  alone  "  (excuse  me  for  quoting  the  great  Amric- 
can  poet  Benton)  as  a  guarantee  of  the  magnanimous 
intention.  We  ascertain,  too,  very  distinctly,  from 
this  admirable  inscription,  the  how,  as  well  as  the 
where  and  the  what,  of  the  great  surrender  in  ques- 
tion. As  to  the  where,  it  was  Yorktown  (wherever  that 
was),  and  as  to  the  what,  it  was  General  Cornwallis 
(no  doubt  some  wealthy  dealer  in  corn).  He  was 
276 


MELLONTA   TAUTA 

surrendered.  The  inscription  commemorates  the  sur- 
render of  —  what?  —  why,  "of  Lord  Cornwallis." 
The  only  question  is  what  could  the  savages  wish  him 
surrendered  for.  But  when  we  remember  that  these 
savages  were  undoubtedly  cannibals,  we  are  led  to 
the  conclusion  that  they  intended  him  for  sausage. 
As  to  the  how  of  the  surrender,  no  language  can  be 
more  explicit.  Lord  Cornwallis  was  surrendered  (for 
sausage)  "under  the  auspices  of  the  Washington 
Monument  Association,"  no  doubt  a  charitable  insti- 
tution for  the   depositing  of  corner-stones. But, 

Heaven,  bless  me  !  what  is  the  matter?  Ah,  I  see  — 
the  balloon  has  collapsed,  and  we  shall  have  a  tumble 
into  the  sea.  I  have,  therefore,  only  time  enough 
to  add  that,  from  a  hasty  inspection  of  the  fac-similes 
of  newspapers,  etc.,  etc.,  I  find  that  the  great  men  in 
those  days  among  the  Amriccans  were  one  John,  a 
smith,  and  one  Zacchary,  a  tailor. 

Good-by,  until  I  see  you  again.  Whether  you 
ever  get  this  letter  or  not  is  a  point  of  little  import- 
ance, as  I  write  altogether  for  my  own  amusement. 
I  shall  cork  the  MS.  up  in  a  bottle  however,  and 
throw  it  into  the  sea. 

Yours  everlastingly, 

PUNDITA. 


277 


NOTES 


279 


NOTES 


ON   THE  NUMBER,   ORDER,  AND  PUBLI- 
CATION OF  POE'S  TALES 

±  OE  was  careful  in  composition  and  solicitous  for  the 
printed  text  of  his  works.  He  published  nearly  all  his 
tales  repeatedly,  both  in  periodicals  and  in  volumes ;  and, 
on  each  reissue,  he  revised  the  text,  except  when  some 
particular  tale  appeared  nearly  simultaneously  in  two 
places.  The  extent  of  the  revision  varied ;  usually  he 
shortened  the  tale,  and  simplified,  moderated,  and  har- 
monized the  language,  but  in  some  instances  while  keep- 
ing the  incidents,  dialogue,  and  ideas  intact,  he  rewrote 
the  tale  verbally.  "  The  Imp  of  the  Perverse  "  and  "  The 
Tell-tale  Heart "  are  examples  of  such  minute  correction. 
He  seems  never  to  have  regarded  any  form  as  final,  but 
made  new  changes  on  the  margin  of  the  last  printed  copy, 
several  of  which  are  embodied  in  the  text  for  the  first  time 
in  this  edition.  The  following  list  shows  the  date  and 
place  of  publication  of  each  tale,  so  far  as  known,  in 
chronological  order  of  composition,  so  far  as  can  be  con- 
jectured on  safe  grounds.  The  tales  of  which  in  respect 
to  these  points  there  is  no  certain  knowledge  were  either 
from  manuscript  in  Griswold's  hands,  an  unlikely  hypo- 
thesis, or  from  periodicals  of  which  no  file  exists,  such  as 
"  The  Flag  of  our  Union  "  and  "  The  Dollar  Newspaper," 
or  from  obscure  publications  which  have  escaped  search. 
The  editors  of  this  edition  have  followed  the  latest  text 
published  in  Poe's  life-time,  except  as  stated  below,  but 
have  adopted  manuscript  corrections  in  Poe's  hand,  as 
already  explained  in  the  General  Preface. 
281 


NOTES 


LIST  OF  TALES,  AS  PUBLISHED 

[The  following  abbreviations  are  used :  S.  L.  M.,  Southern  Literary 
Messenger;  G.  M.,  Gentleman's  Magazine;  Gra.  M.,  Graham's  Maga- 
zine; S.  L.  C-,  Snowden's  Lady's  Companion;  God.  L.  B.,  Godey's 
Lady's  Book;  A.  W.  R.,  American  Whig  Review;  B.  J.,  Broadway 
Journal;  C.  M.,  Columbian  Magazine.  The  editions  of  1840,  1843,  1845, 
are  indicated  by  those  dates  only.] 

1.  MS.  Found  in  a  Bottle.    Baltimore  Saturday  Visiter,  Oct.  12, 

1833;  S.  L.  M.,  Dec.  1835;  The  Gift,  1836;  1840;  B.  J., 
ii.  14. 

2.  Berenice.     S.  L.  M.,  March,  1835;  1840;  B.  J.,  i.  14. 

3.  Morella.     S.  L.  M.,  April,  1835  ;  ^840;  B.  J.,  i.  25. 

4.  Lionizing.     S.  L.  M.,  May,  1835  ;  1840  ;  1845  ;  B.  J.,  i.  11. 

5.  Hans  Pfaall.     S.  L.  M.,  June,  1S35;   1840. 

6.  The  Assignation  (The  Visionary).     S.   L.  M.,  July,   1835; 

1840;  B.  J.,  i.  23. 

7.  Bon-Bon.     S.  L.  M.,  Aug.,  1835;  1840  ;  B.  J.,  i.  16. 

8.  Shadow— A  Parable  (Fable).    S.  L.  M.,  Sept.  1835;  1840; 

B.  J.,  i.  22. 

9.  Loss  of  Breath.     S.  L.  M.,  Sept.  1835  5  1840;  B.  J.,  ii.  26. 

10.  King  Pest.     S.  L.  M.,  Sept.  1835  I  1840;  B.  J.,  ii.  15. 

11.  Metzengerstein.    S.  L.  M.,  Jan.  1836;  1840.     The  text  fol- 

lows Griswold,  who  must  have  had  a  copy  representing  the 
revision  of  1844. 

12.  Due  De  L'Omelette.    S.  L.  M.,  Feb.  1836  ;  1840 ;  B.  J.,  ii.  14. 

13.  Four  Beasts  in  One  (Epimanes).     S.  L.  M.,  March,  1836; 

1840;  B.  J.,  ii.  22. 

14.  A  Tale  of  Jerusalem.     S.  L.  M.,  April,  1836;    1840;  B.  J., 

ii.  II. 

15.  Silence  —  A  Fable  (Slope).     Baltimore  Book,   1839;    1840; 

B.  J.  ii.  9. 


The  "  Tales  of  the  Folio  Club,"  submitted  to  the  Com- 
mittee on  the  Prize  Tale  for  the  Baltimore  "  Saturday 
Visiter,"  before  Oct.  12,  1833,  and  sent  to  Carey  and  Lea, 
Philadelphia,  before  Nov.  1834,  was  made  up  out  of  the 
above  titles.  "  Lionizing  "  and  "  The  Visionary  "  are  stated 
to  have  been  among  the  tales  submitted  to  the  Committee, 
282 


NOTES 

in  an  editorial  note  (S.  L.  M.,  Aug.  1835),  ^^^  "  Siope  "  and 
"  Epimanes  "  are  mentioned  as  among  the  tales  in  Carey 
and  Lea's  hands,  Sept.  11,  1835  (Poe  to  Kennedy). 

The  note  referred  to  adds,  "  The  *  Tales  of  the  Folio 
Club  *  are  sixteen  in  all,  and  we  believe  it  is  the  author's 
intention  to  publish  them  in  the  autumn."  The  sixteenth 
tale  is  unidentified.  The  volume,  not  being  published  by 
Carey  and  Lea,  was  offered  by  Poe  to  Harper  and  Brothers 
through  J.  K.  Paulding,  and  by  them  declined  through 
him,  March  3,  1836  (Paulding  to  White),  and  also  directly, 
June,  1836  (Harper  and  Brothers  to  Poe). 

16.  Ligeia.     The  American  Museum,  Sept.  1838;  1840;  B.  J., 

ii.  12,     The  text  adopts  manuscript  corrections  from  Mrs. 
Whitman's  copy  of  B.  J. 

17.  How  to  Write  a  Blackwood  Article  (The  Signora  Zenobia). 

The  American  Museum,  Dec.  1838  ;  1840 ;  B.  J.,  ii.  i. 

18.  A  Predicament  (The  Scythe  of  Time).     A  Pendant  to  the 

preceding  tale.     The  American  Museum,  Dec.  1838  ;  1840 ; 
B.  J.,  ii.  I. 

19.  The  Devil  in  the  Belfry.     The  (Philadelphia)  Saturday  Chroni- 

cle and  Mirror  of  the  Times,  May  18,  1839  j  1840;  B.  J., 
ii.  18. 

20.  The  Man  That  Was  Used  Up.     G.  M.,  Aug.  1839;  1840; 

1843;  B.  J.,  ii.  5, 

21.  The  Fall  of  the  House  of  Usher.     G.  M.,  Sept.  1839  ;    1840; 

1845. 

22.  William  Wilson.     G.  M.,  Oct.  1839;  The  Gift,  1840;  1840; 

B.  J.,  ii.  8. 

23.  The  Conversation  of  Eiros  and  Charmion.    G.  M.,  Dec.  1839; 

1840;   1845. 

24.  Mystification  (Von  Jung).     1840;  B.  J.,  ii.  25. 

25.  Why  the    Little  Frenchman  Wears  his  Hand  in  a  Sling. 

1840  ;  B.  J.,  ii.  9. 

"  Tales  of  the  Arabesque  and  Grotesque,"  2  v.,  Phila- 
delphia, Lea  and  Blanchard,  1840,  was  published  in  Dec. 
1839,  and  included  all  the  above  titles. 

26.  The  Business  Man  (Peter  Pendulum).     G.  M.,  Feb.  1840; 

B.  J.,  ii.  4. 

27.  The  Man  of  the  Crowd.    G.  M.,  Dec.  1840;  1845. 

283 


NOTES 

28.  The  Murders  in  the  Rue  Morgue.     Gra.  M.,  April,  1841; 

1843 ;  1845.     The  text  adopts  manuscript  corrections  from 
the  Lorimer  Graham  copy. 

29.  The  Descent  into  the  Maelstrom.     Gra.  M.,  May,  1841 ;  1845. 

The  text  adopts  manuscript  corrections  from  the  Lorimer 
Graham  copy. 

30.  The  Island  of  the  Fay.     Gra.  M.,  June,  1S41 ;  B.  J.,  ii.  13. 

31.  The  Colloquy  of  Monos  and  Una.     Gra.   M.,  Aug.  1841; 

1845. 

Poe  offered  Lea  and  Blanchard,  Aug.  13,  1841,  eight 
later  pieces  to  be  added  to  the  "  Tales  of  the  Grotesque 
and  Arabesque  "  in  a  second  edition ;  "  the  later  pieces 
will  be  eight  in  number,  making  the  entire  collection  thirty- 
three  "  (Poe  to  Lea  and  Blanchard).  The  offer  was  de- 
clined, Aug.  16,  1841  (Lea  and  Blanchard  to  Poe). 

32.  Never  Bet  the  Devil  your  Head.     Gra.  M.,   Sept.   1841 ; 

B.  J.,  ii.  6. 

33.  Three  Sundays  in  a  Week  (A  Succession  of  Sundays).     The 

(Philadelphia)  Saturday  Evening  Post,  Nov.  27, 1841 ;  B.  J., 
i.  19. 

34.  Eleonora.     The  Girt,  1842  ;  B.  J.,  i.  21. 

35.  The  Oval  Portrait  (Life  in  Death).     Gra.  M.,  April,  1842; 

B.J.,i.  17. 

36.  The  Masque  of  the  Red  Death.     Gra.  M.,  May,  1842  ;  B.  J., 

ii.  2. 

37.  The  Landscape  Garden.    S.  L.  C,  Oct.  1S42;   B.  J.,  ii. 

II.     Afterwards    incorporated    with    "  The    Domain    of 
Amheim." 

38.  The  Mystery  of  Marie  Roget.     S.  L.  C,  Nov.,  Dec,  Feb., 

1842-43;    1845.     The  text  adopts  manuscript  corrections 
from  the  Lorimer  Graham  copy. 

39.  The  Pit  and  the  Pendulum.     The  Gift,  1843  5  B.  J.,  i.  20. 

40.  The  Tell-tale  Heart.     The  Pioneer,  Jan.  1843;  B.  J.,  ii.  7. 

The  titles,  26-40,  are  given  in  a  footnote  to  Hirst's  Life 
of  Poe  (Phil.  Saturday  Museum,  March  4,  1843)  ^s  a  list 
of  the  tales  written  since  the  publication  of  the  edition  of 
1840.  The  article,  which  was  inspired  by  Poe  and  reflects 
his  opinion,  says  :  "  All  the  best  of  Mr.  Poe's  prose  tales 
have  been  published  since  the  issue  of  the  volumes,"  etc. 
284 


NOTES 

"  The  Prose  Romances  of  Edgar  A.  Poe,"  No.  i  (pp.  40), 
paper  cover,  Philadelphia,  George  B.  Zieber  &  Co.,  1843, 
was  published  in  the  summer,  and  included  20,  28.  The 
edition  is  of  great  rarity,  and  has  not  been  seen  by  the 
editors. 

41.  The  Gold-Bug.    The  (Philadelphia)  Dollar  Newspaper,  June 

21-28,1843;  1845.    The  text  adopts  manuscript  corrections 
from  the  Lorimer  Graham  copy. 

42.  The  Black  Cat.     The  (Philadelphia)  United  States  Saturday 

Post,  Aug.  19,  1843  ;  1845. 

43.  The  Elk  (Morning  on  the  Wissahiccon).     The  Opal,  1844. 

44.  A  Tale  of  the  Ragged  Mountains.     God.  L.  B.,  April,  1844; 

B.  J.,  ii.  21. 

45.  The  Spectacles.     (Sent  to  Home,  April,  1844.)    B.  J.,  ii.  20. 

46.  Diddling  Considered  as  one  of  the  Exact  Sciences.     B.  J., 

ii.  ID. 

47.  The  Balloon  Hoax.     The  (New  York)  Sun,  April  13,  1844. 

48.  Mesmeric  Revelation.     C.  M.,  Aug.  1844  5  ^^45- 

49.  The   Premature  Burial.     The  (Philadelphia) Aug. 

1844;  B.  J.,  1.  24. 

50.  The  Oblong  Box.     God.  L.  B.,  Sept.  1844;  B.  J.,  ii.  23. 

51.  Thou  Art  the  Man.     God.  L.  B.,  Nov.  1844. 

52.  The  Literary  Life  of  Thingum-Bob.      S.  L.  M.,  Dec.  1844; 

B.J.,ii.3. 

53.  The  Purloined  Letter.     The   Gift,    1845;  '845.     The   text 

adopts  manuscript  corrections   from  the  Lorimer  Graham 
copy. 

54.  The  System  of  Dr.  Tarr  and  Prof,  Fether.     Gra.  M.,  Nov. 

1845. 

The  titles,  41-54,  except  47  and  52,  are  given  as  the  tales 
written  since  Hirst's  list,  and  of  these  48-51,  53,  54,  are 
marked  as  unpublished,  May  28,  1844  (Poe  to  Lowell), — 
"  about  sixty  altogether  including  the  *  Grotesque  and 
Arabesque.'"  The  titles,  45,  46,  were,  therefore,  pub- 
lished earlier  than  in  the  "  Broadway  Journal."  The  title, 
49,  was  published  not  later  than  Aug.  1844,  as  extracts 
from  it  appeared  in  the  "  Rover "  at  the  end  of  that 
month,  and  were  introduced  by  the  words,  "  A  writer  in 
one  of  the  Philadelphia  papers  recently  gave,"  etc.  Poe 
285 


NOTES 

must  have  had  in  mind  more  tales  than  he  mentioned, 
as  by  June,  1844,  he  had  prepared  a  complete  collec- 
tion, which  was  even  larger  in  number.  He  then  wrote : 
"  Setting  aside,  for  the  present,  my  criticisms,  poems, 
and  miscellanies  (sufficiently  numerous)  my  tales  are,  in 
number,  sixty-six.  ...  I  have  them  prepared  in  every  re- 
spect for  the  press "  (Poe  to  Anthon).  At  that  date, 
Poe  had  published  forty-seven  tales,  1-47 ;  and,  accordhig 
to  this  statement,  there  were  then  unpublished  nineteen 
tales,  of  which  the  titles  of  seven  only,  48-54,  are  known. 
The  remaining  titles  are,  in  all,  fourteen  only,  of  which 
twelve  would  be  required  to  justify  Poe's  estimate.  In 
other  words,  unless  there  were  tales  that  never  appeared 
at  all,  the  statement  of  Poe  to  Anthon,  if  it  were  accepted 
as  exact,  would  involve  the  conclusion  that  he  wrote  only 
two  tales  after  June,  1844.  The  tales  were  offered  to  Harper 
and  Brothers  through  Anthon,  and  declined  Nov.  1844 
(Anthon  to  Poe). 

55.  The  Thousand  and  Second  Tale.     God.  L.  B.,  Feb.  1845  ; 

B.  J.,  ii.  16. 

56.  The  Angel  of  the  Odd.   Unknown.    The  text  follows  Griswold. 

The  titles,  26-56,  except  46,  47,  are  given  as  the  tales 
written  since  the  publication  of  the  edition  of  1840,  in  a 
footnote  to  Lowell's  biography  of  Poe,  Graham's  Maga- 
zine, Feb.  1845. 

"  Tales,"  New  York,  Wiley  and  Putnam,  1845,  appeared 
about  July,  of  that  year,  and  included  4,  21,  23,  27,  28,  29, 
31,  38, 41,  42,  48,  53.  The  selection  was  unsatisfactory.  Poe 
wrote,  Aug.  9,  1846,  "The  last  selection  of  my  tales  was 
made  from  about  seventy  by  Wiley  and  Putnam's  reader, 
Duyckinck.  He  has  what  he  thinks  a  taste  for  ratiocina- 
tion, and  has  accordingly  made  up  the  book  mostly  of 
analytic  stories.  But  this  is  not  representing  my  mind  in 
its  various  phases  —  it  is  not  giving  me  fair  play  "  (Poe  to 
Cooke).  It  appears  that  in  the  two  years  since  he  wrote 
Anthon,  the  alleged  number  had  not  increased.  A  reviewer 
of  this  volume,  however,  evidently  inspired  by  Poe,  and 
286 


NOTES 

reflecting  the  above  views,  says,  —  "  To  our  own  knowledge 
he  has  published  at  least  seventy-five  or  eighty  tales." 

57.  Some  Words  with  a  Mummy.    A.  W.  R.,  April,  1845;  B.  J., 

ii.  17. 

The  title,  57,  was  mentioned,  it  is  curious  to  observe,  in 
the  "Columbian  Magazine,"  January,  1845:  "Notice  to 
Correspondents.  The  following  articles  are  accepted.  .  •  . 
Some  Words  with  a  Mummy." 

58.  The  Power  of  Words.    Democratic  Review,  June,  1845;  B.  J., 

ii.  16. 

59.  The  Imp  of  the  Perverse.     Gra.  M.,  July,  1845;  Mayflower, 

1845. 

60.  TheCaseof  M.  Valdemar.    A.  W.  R.,  Dec.  1845 ;  B.  J.,  ii.24. 

61.  The  Cask  of  Amontillado.     God.  L.  B.,  Nov.  1846. 

62.  Tlie  Domain  of  Arnheim.      C.  M.,  March,  1847.     The  tale 

embodies  and  develops  "The  Landscape  Garden." 

63.  Mellonta  Tauta.     God.  L,  B.,  Feb.  1S49. 

64.  Hop-Frog.     The  Flag  of  our  Union,  1849.     The  text  follows 

Griswold,  no  file  being  known. 

65.  X-ing  a  Paragrab.     Unknown.     The  text  follows  Griswold. 

66.  The  Sphinx.     Unknown.     The  text  follows  Griswold. 

67.  Von  Kempelen  and  His  Discovery.     Unknown.     (Not  earlier 

than  1848.)     The  text  follows  Griswold. 

68.  Landor's  Cottage.     Unknown.      (Sent  to  the  Metropolitan, 

not   earlier    than    July,    1848,    inasmuch    as   it   mentions 
"  Annie.")     The  text  follows  Griswold. 

Of  these  tales,  the  following  were  reprinted  abroad  in 
Poe's  life-time  :  "  The  Fall  of  the  House  of  Usher,"  in 
"  Bentley's  Miscellany  ; "  "  The  Purloined  Letter,"  in  Cham- 
bers' "  Edinburgh  Journal ;  "  '•'  Mesmeric  Revelation,"  in  the 
"  Popular  Record  of  Modern  Science,"  London  ;  "  The  Case 
of  M.  Valdemar,"  in  the  same,  and  in  "  Mesmerism  '  In  Ar- 
ticulo  Mortis  '  "  (paper),  London,  1846;  and  "  The  Murders 
in  the  Rue  Morgue,"  translated,  in  La  Commei'ce  and  La 
Quotidiemie. 

Notwithstanding  the  discrepancy  between  the  number  of 
tales  mentioned  by  Poe  in  his  letters  to  Lowell,  Anthon, 
287 


NOTES 

and  Cooke,  and  the  number  that  can  be  traced  as  exist- 
ing at  the  dates  on  which  he  wrote,  there  is  little  reason  to 
believe  that  this  is  not  a  complete  list.  The  absence  of  any 
title,  other  than  those  included  above,  in  his  correspond- 
ence or  the  publications  of  the  time,  discredits  the  hypo- 
thesis that  some  of  his  compositions  were  lost  among  his 
manuscripts,  and  it  is  incredible  that  any  editor  suppressed 
such  manuscripts  after  his  death.  He  probably  included 
in  his  calculation  all  the  tales  he  had  written  or  was  en- 
gaged upon,  and  possibly  some  of  his  miscellanies.  It  is 
clear  that  he  found  publication  difficult  and  often  long- 
delayed,  and  also  that  his  productivity  in  this  kind  of  com- 
position almost  ceased  in  the  last  four  years  of  his  life,  as 
at  other  times  it  had  shown  a  low  degree  of  vitality.  The 
average  number  of  tales  written  each  year,  from  1833  to 
1846,  is  between  four  and  five,  but  it  was  higher  at  both 
the  beginning  and  the  end  of  the  period,  and  from  1837  to 
1841  fell  to  two,  which  is  nearly  as  low  as  from  1846  to 
1849;  i^  both  these  latter  periods  Poe  was  otherwise  occu- 
pied in  book-making,  lecturing,  or  critical  writing. 


288 


NOTES 


II 


ON  POE'S  QUOTATIONS,  BOOK-TITLES, 
AND  FOOTNOTES 

JL  HE  text  of  Poe's  quotations  and  his  literary  allusions 
has  been  revised  in  this  edition  by  reference  to  the  ori- 
ginals, so  far  as  was  practicable.  He  liked  the  appearance 
of  scholarship,  but  his  own  acquirements  were  not  great, 
and  he  took  his  learning  at  second-hand.  His  sources  were, 
at  first,  books  of  which  Disraeli's  "  Curiosities  of  Litera- 
ture "  is  a  type,  and  in  science  some  elementary  works  ; 
generally  he  seems  to  have  read  books  only  for  review,  as 
they  came  under  his  notice  at  random,  but  he  paid  much 
attention  to  the  magazines,  home  and  foreign,  throughout 
his  life.  The  passages  that  he  found  quoted  in  such  read- 
ing he  used  as  if  he  were  acquainted  with  the  originals, 
and  at  times  he  silently  paraphrased  the  text  itself.  Early 
in  his  career  he  made  a  commonplace  book,  which  he 
mentions  in  the  remarks  introductory  to  his  "  Pinakidia  " 
(S.  L.  M.,  Aug.  1836),  a  collection  of  odds  and  ends  of 
literary  knowledge  :  "  The  whole  is  taken  from  a  confused 
mass  of  marginal  notes  and  entries  in  a  commonplace 
book."  From  this  volume,  as  shown  by  the  extracts 
printed  as  "  Pinakidia,"  he  took  several  of  his  quotations, 
allusions,  and  notes.  Here  is  the  motto  of  "  The  Pit 
and  the  Pendulum  "  —  the  "  Quatrain  composed  for  the 
gates  of  a  market  to  be  erected  upon  the  site  of  the 
Jacobin  Club  House  at  Paris  "  —  itself  out  of  Disraeli,  on 
which  Baudelaire  comments  :  "  Le  marche  —  marche  Saint- 
Honore  —  n'a  jamais  eu  ni  portes  ni  inscription.  L'in- 
scription  a-t-elle  existe  en  projet?"  Here,  too,  are  the 
lines  from  Ariosto  and  Cervantes,  the  sentence  from 
Demosthenes  and  "  Hudibras,"  and  the  insomnia  Jovis  (but 
ascribed  to  Longinus  instead  of  Silius  Italicus),  used  in 
"  How  to  Write  a  Blackwood  Article  ; "  the  Corneille 
VOL.  IV.  —  19  289 


NOTES 

motto  for  "  The  Man  1  hat  Was  Used  Up ;  "  the  Jacobus 
Hugo  passage  in  "Never  Bet  the  Devil  Your  Head;"  the 
French  vaudeville  prefixed  to  "  Bon-Bon ; "  and,  again 
out  of  Disraeli,  the  footnote  to  "  Metzengerstein,"  citing 
Mercier,  VAn  Deux  Mille  quatre  cents  qitarante,  in  favor 
of  the  doctrine  of  metempsychosis.  Not  in  "  Pinakidia," 
but  probably  in  the  commonplace  book,  are  two  other 
borrowings  from  Disraeli,  —  the  motto  of  "  Hans  Pfaall  " 
and  the  Montfleury  footnote  to  "  The  Due  De  L'Ome- 
lette."  In  the  "Messenger"  and  the  edition  of  1840,  the 
last  extract  is  in  Disraeli's  English,  but  in  the  "  Broadway 
Journal "  Poe  turned  it  into  French  of  his  own,  which, 
however,  is  in  this  text  revised.  Under  such  circumstances 
as  these  examples  abundantly  illustrate,  it  is  not  surpris- 
ing that  many  errors  have  intruded  into  the  text,  and  it  has 
seemed  best  silently  to  rectify  them,  and  at  the  same  time 
to  credit  the  quotations,  when  verified,  with  more  preci- 
sion than  Poe  used.  It  will  be  understood,  therefore,  that 
authorities  alleged  in  footnotes  and  in  the  text  are  in  some 
instances  corrected,  in  others  first  identified,  in  this  edition. 
It  has  proved  impossible  to  trace  every  passage,  but  in 
the  course  of  verification  some  illustrative  material  of 
value  has  been  met  with.  The  Latin  motto  of  "  Berenice," 
for  example,  from  Ebn  Zaiat,  has  not  been  found,  but  an 
interesting  note  on  the  original  Arabic  has  been  kindly 
furnished  the  editors  by  Dr.  Richard  Gottheil.  It  seems 
that  Ebn  Zaiat,  whose  real  name  was  Muhammad  ibn  Abd 
Almalik  ibn  Alzaijat  (or  Azzaijat),  Vezir  under  the  Caliphs 
Almutassim  Billahi  and  Alwathik  Billahi,  was  very  much  in 
love  v.ith  a  slave  and  mourned  her  death  ;  his  companions 
suggested  that  he  should  seek  comfort  at  her  grave ;  on 
this  he  wrote,  —  "  My  friends  say  — '  If  thou  wouldst  only 
visit  her  grave  ; '  but  I  answered,  —  *  Has  she  any  grave 
other  than  my  heart  "i ' "  Kitab  alaghani,  vol.  xx.  (cf. 
D'Herbelot,  Bibliotheca  Orientalis,  ii.  s.  v.  T^dSaX).  A  curious 
case  of  borrowing  is  disclosed  by  the  quotation  from  Jonas 
Ramus  in  "  A  Descent  into  the  Maelstrom  "  (ii.  238-244). 
The  passage  is  found  textually  in  "  The  Natural  History 
of  Norway,  translated  from  the  Danish  original  of  the 
290 


NOTES 

R.  Rev.  Erich  Pontoppidan,"  London,  1755,  p.  77,  as  from 
Ramus.  The  passage  immediately  succeeding,  ascribed 
to  the  "  Encyclopaedia  Britannica,"  is  also  textually  from 
the  same  book,  and  other  parts  of  Poe's  geographical 
account  are  paraphrased  from  it.  Poe  did  not  use  the 
translation  of  Pontoppidan,  but  derived  the  whole  from 
the  "Encyclopaedia  Britannica,"  to  w'hich  he  credited  a 
part.  The  "  Encyclopaedia"  article  (Third  Edition,  Edin- 
burgh, 1797)  was  taken  bodily  and  identically  from  the 
translation  of  Pontoppidan,  without  credit  or  any  mention 
of  its  source.  It  is  a  curious  commentary  on  the  making 
of  books,  even  encyclopaedias,  to  read  in  the  last  (ninth) 
edition  of  the  "Britannica,"  under  "Whirlpool,"  as  fol- 
lows :  "  The  various  reports  of  travellers  and  descriptions 
of  poetical  philosophers  as  to  the  appearance  of  the  Mal- 
strom  were  faithfully  collated  and  thrown  into  stereoscopic 
relief  by  Edgar  Allan  Poe  in  his  celebrated  story."  The 
author,  after  having  given  Poe  credit  for  erudition  taken 
solely  from  a  previous  edition  of  this  very  encyclopaedia, 
which  in  its  turn  had  stolen  the  learning  from  another, 
quotes  the  parts  that  Poe  invented  out  of  his  own  head. 

A  third  instance  will  show  Pec's  carelessness  in  quot- 
ing his  authorities,  even  at  first  hand.  In  the  footnote 
to  "  The  Domain  of  Arnheim  "  (ii.  94)  he  refers  to  the 
Thelluson  will,  and  says  that  he  saw  an  account  of  it  in  the 
" '  Tour '  of  Prince  PUckler  Muskau,  who  makes  the  sum 
inherited  ninety  millions  of  povnds  \sic\  and  justly  observes 
that  *  in  the  contemplation  of  so  vast  a  sum,  and  of  the 
services  to  which  it  might  be  applied,  there  is  something 
even  of  the  sublime.'  "  In  the  Philadelphia  edition  of  the 
"  Tour,"  1833,  which  is  doubtless  the  one  Poe  saw,  the  pas- 
sage reads  :  "  In  twenty  years  his  term  will  expire ;  and 
I  saw  the  present  Mr.  Thelluson,  a  man  of  forty  who  has 
very  little  ;  and  his  son,  a  pretty  boy  of  eight,  who  is  prob- 
ably destined  in  his  twenty-eighth  year  to  be  master  of 
twelve  millions  sterling,  —  ninety-four  millions  of  our 
money  [German].  .  .  .  However  I  could  not  help  heartily 
wishing  good  luck  to  the  little  fellow  with  his  splendid 
hopes.  There  is  really  something  grand  in  having  such 
291 


NOTES 

enormous  wealth ;  for  it  cannot  be  denied  that  money  is 
the  representative  of  most  things  in  the  world.  What 
marvellous  objects  might  be  attained  by  such  a  fortune 
well  applied !  "  (p.  275.)  It  is  hard  to  conjecture  what  sig- 
nification quotation  marks  bore  to  Poe,  after  comparing 
these  passages. 

A  more  remarkable  instance  of  dealing  with  an  author 
occurs  in  the  motto  of  "  Lionizing "  ascribed  to  Bishop 
Hall:  — 

"  all  people  went 
Upon  their  ten  toes  in  wild  wonderment." 

The  original  of  this  is  found  in  Hall's  "  Satires,"  II.  iii. 

"  Genus  and  Species  long  since  barefoote  went, 
Upon  their  ten-toes  in  wilde  wanderment." 

The  passage  has  been  left  in  the  text  as  Poe  adapted 
it,  since  the  original  would  have  little  relevancy  there. 
The  motto  of  "  A  Descent  into  the  Maelstrom,"  which  had 
not  been  identified  when  the  second  volume  went  to  press, 
is  from  Glanvill's  "Essays  on  Several  Important  Subjects 
in  Philosophy  and  Religion,"  London,  1676,  p.  15,  and 
should  read  :  "  The  ways  of  God  in  Nature  (as  in  Prmn- 
dence)  are  not  as  ours  are :  Nor  are  the  Models  that  we 
frame  any  way  commensurate  to  the  vastness  and  pro- 
fundity of  his  Works  ;  which  have  a  Depth  in  them  greater 
than  the  Well  of  Democn'tiis.^''  The  example  is  a  charac- 
teristic one.  The  motto  of  "  Ligeia,"  ascribed  to  the  same 
author,  has  not  been  found.  The  passage  from  Flavins 
Vopiscus  (iv.  97,  98)  follows  the  reading  of  the  edition  of 
Salmasius,  Paris,  1620,  except  at  the  close,  where  Poe  has 
sangtiinis  effudif,  which  has  not  been  found  even  as  a  vari- 
ant, and  may  be  an  error  of  memory  in  the  writer  from 
whom  Poe  took  it.  The  example  illustrates  another  source 
of  error. 

In  respect  to  book-titles,  especially  those  meant  to  give 
the  impression  of  recondite  learning,  the  labor  of  investiga- 
tion has  been  fruitless  in  several  instances.    Some  of  these 
titles  are  clearly  fictitious,  even  when  not  humorous  in- 
292 


NOTES 

ventions,  and  others  are  either  too  briefly  or  too  incor- 
rectly given  to  be  found  except  by  accident.  Few  seem 
to  justify  a  note.  The  title  of  the  curious  book  men- 
tioned in  "Hans  Pf  aall "  (ii.  199,  200)  is  given  in  the 
Catalogue  of  Printed  Books  in  the  British  Museum, 
VNoinme  dajis  la  lune,  on  le  voyage  chimerique  fait  an 
jnonde  de  la  lune  noiivellemeiit  decouvert  par  D.  Gonzales 
aiitreinet  dit  Le  Courrier  volant.  Mis  en  nostre  langue  par 
J.  B\au\  D\oin\.  Paris,  1648.  Querard,  Supercheries  Lit- 
teraires  Devoilees^  adds  that  the  chronicle  is  "  traduit  de 
I'anglais  de  Frangois  Godwin  par  Jean  Baudoin."  God- 
win's romance,  "  The  Man  in  the  Moon,  or  a  Discourse  of 
a  Voyage  thither,  by  D.  G.,"  London,  1638,  has  often  been 
reprinted,  and  may  be  seen  in  the  Harleian  Miscellany. 
These  are  the  bibliographical  facts  involved  in  Poe's  note, 
but  the  editors  have  been  unable  to  find  the  volume,  and 
the  French  quoted  has  not  been  verified.  The  Vigilia 
Mortuorum  and  "  The  Mad  Tryst "  of  "  The  Fall  of  the 
House  of  Usher,"  and  the  Duelli  Lex  Scripta  et  non ; 
aliterque  of  Hedelin  in  "  Mystification  "  will  serve  as  ex- 
amples of  titles  not  found ;  and  the  Directoriiim  Lnqui- 
sitoriim  of  the  former  as  an  example  of  titles  revised. 
Some  of  these  titles  were  invented,  but  for  most  of  them 
it  seems  likely  that  Poe  had  some  suggestion  other  than 
his  own  fancy.  A  Vigilie  majores  minoresqiie  mortuorum 
was  printed  at  Augsburg,  1492,  and  the  French  Vigilles 
des  mors,  translated  from  the  Latin,  in  quarto  Gothic,  are 
well  known  ;  but  as  the  Bibliotheca  Mognntina  (Wiirdtwein), 
1789,  does  not  mention  the  title  given  by  Poe,  and  it  is  not 
elsewhere  known,  it  may  be  presumed  that  the  book  does 
not  exist.  The  Duelli  Lex  Scripta  is,  doubtless,  a  fabrica- 
tion, but  the  idea  of  the  book  as  described  is  hardly  likely 
to  be  original  with  Poe.  The  other  titles  in  the  tale  in 
which  this  occurs  (iii.  296)  illustrate  Poe's  loose  practice 
in  referring  to  known  books.  D'Audiguier's  "  On  the  Per- 
mission of  Duels  "  is  the  work  entitled  Le  Vray  et  ancien 
usage  des  duels,  Paris,  1617.  Brantome's  "  Memoirs  of 
Duels  "  is  A7tecdotes  Touchants  des  Dtcels,  but  not  "  pub- 
lished at  Cologne,  1666,  in  the  types  of  Elzevir;"  the 
293 


NOTES 

Elzevirs  did  not  print  at  Cologne,  and  no  edition  printed 
by  any  one  at  Cologne  is  mentioned  in  the  bibliographies. 
So  much  it  seems  necessary  to  say  to  illustrate  the  treat- 
ment of  the  text  in  this  particular  and  to  explain  its  state. 
All  expressions  in  foreign  languages,  when  not  quoted, 
have  been  freely  revised,  as  occasion  arose,  with  a  view 
to  linguistic  accuracy. 


294 


NOTES 


III 

ON   POE'S   SOURCES 

1 T  was  occasionally  charged  in  Poe's  life-time  that  he 
plagiarized  the  ideas  of  his  tales,  but  without  sufficient 
proof  to  make  any  lasting  impression.  He  formed  his 
style  on  Disraeli  and  Bulwer,  and  he  sometimes  found  the 
germ  or  worked  out  the  accessories  of  a  tale  from  his  read- 
ing. In  **  Metzengerstein,"  the  episode  of  the  Prince  of 
Little  Lilliput  and  his  rival  neighbor  in  "  Vivian  Grey," 
together  with  the  picture  of  the  ancestor  on  horseback  in  the 
Prince's  cabinet  and  something  of  the  feeling  of  the  whole, 
clearly  enough  reappears ;  and  in  "  King  Pest "  a  similar 
obligation  to  the  adventure  in  the  castle  of  Duke  Johan- 
nisberger,  in  the  same  novel,  exists.  The  idea  of  "  Three 
Sundays  in  a  Week "  is  a  passage  of  Herschel  made  fic- 
tion ;  and  in  the  scientific  tales,  such  as  "  Hans  Pfaall," 
there  is  free  paraphrasing  of  scientific  works  analogous  to 
that  employed  in  the  tales  of  adventure  and  exploration. 
"  The  Gold-Bug  "  was  said  to  be  indebted  to  Miss  Sher- 
burne's "  Imogene,"  and  pains  were  taken  to  disprove  the 
charge.  Perhaps  the  best  illustrative  instance  is  "  Wil- 
liam Wilson."  The  alleged  obligation  to  Calderon  may 
be  dismissed  as  on  the  whole  improbable ;  but  the  tale 
is  sometimes  said  to  have  been  taken  from  Boaden's 
"  The  Man  with  Two  Lives,"  Boston,  1829.  The  idea  of 
a  double  self  is  very  old,  but  the  identification  of  the  other 
self  with  conscience  is  a  modification  of  the  usual  form  of 
the  idea.  Boaden's  novel  has  in  substance  nothing  at  all 
in  common  with  Poe's  tale,  and  the  burden  of  the  charge 
rests  for  justification  wholly  on  the  last  paragraph,  as 
follows :  — 

"  Here  I  shall  close  this  narrative.     I  have  reached  that  point  of 
my  existence  when  the  connection  of  the  two  lives  was  dropt  en- 
tirely.    I  describe  the  scenes  only  in  which  it  influenced  my  pres- 
295 


NOTES 

ent  being.  The  world  at  large  will  not  perhaps  regret  that  this 
amazing  privilege  has  been  peculiar  to  myself.  I  do  not  think  that 
they  ought.  Yet  in  fact  most  men  are  permitted  two  lives  even 
here;  one  of  action  with  its  usual  attendant  error,—  'Oat  other  ol 
Reflection  and,  as  it  ought  to  prove,  of  Atonement.  To  carry 
on  the  parallel,  neither  are  they  without  a  mysterious  friend  and 
guide,  to  whom  the  Magnetic  Mesmer  was  but  a  shade,  who  comes 
upon  them  unannounced  and  knows  them  through  all  disguises. 
He  is  plain  too  and  generally  alarming  in  his  addresses  and  urges 
them  to  take  the  only  course  that  conducts  to  their  real  interest, 
their  peace,  their  honor  and  their  final  happiness.  The  reader /e^/^ 
that  I  can  only  here  mean  the  power  of  Conscience." 

This,  however,  may  be  only  coincidence ;  but,  in  style 
and  feeling  again,  the  mark  of  Bulwer's  "  Monos  and  Dai- 
monos  "  in  the  "  Conversations  with  an  Ambitious  Student 
in  111  Health,  with  other  Pieces,"  is  easily  distinguished,  as 
in  such  tales  as  "  Shadow  "  and  "  Lionizing,"  also,  the 
same  influence  is  unmistakable.  In  general,  Poe's  obli- 
gations of  this  sort  were  contracted  through  his  tempera- 
ment rather  than  his  mind,  though  occasionally  he  took  an 
idea  and  used  it  with  the  royal  right.  Thus  "  Hop-Frog  " 
is  out  of  "  Froissart,"  and  wide  acquaintance  with  contem- 
porary magazine  literature  and  the  perishable  stories  of 
the  day  might  disclose  less  usual  debts  of  that  nature  ; 
from  such  reading  a  writer  in  "  Notes  and  Queries,"  May 
12,  1894  (v.  85,  p.  366),  has  brought  forward  what  is  either 
the  original  suggestion  for,  or  else  a  curious  parallel  to, 
'•  The  Murders  in  the  Rue  Morgue,"  as  follows :  — 

"Poe's  'Murders  in  the  Rue  Morgue.' — The  employ- 
ment of  an  ourang-outang  in  the  committal  of  these  murders  has 
always  seemed  to  me  one  of  the  most  original  ideas  in  fiction  with 
which  I  am  acquainted,  until  now  when  I  light  upon  an  extract 
from  the  Shrewsbury  Chronicle^  tucked  away  in  the  '  Chronicle ' 
columns  of  the  '  Annual  Register.'  Poe's  story  was  published  in 
Graham'' s  Magazine  for  April,  1841.  What  took  place  at  Shrews- 
bury occurred  in  July  or  August,  1834.  At  that  time  certain  show- 
men visited  the  town  with  a  '  ribbon-faced  baboon '  which,  it  was 
afterwards  shrewdly  suspected,  had  been  taught  to  burgle,  or  as  the 
Chronicle  puts  it  and  I  underline  it,  to  *  commit  robberies  by  night 
296 


NOTES 

by  climbing  up  places  inaccessible  to  men,  and  thereby  gaining  a?i 
entrance  through  the  bedroom  window  '  — precisely  the  method  of 
procedure  adopted  by  Poe's  anthropoid.  In  her  bedroom  one  night 
a  Shrewsbury  lady  found  the  creature.  She  raised  an  alarm  and 
the  baboon  instantly  attacked  her  and  with  so  much  fury  that  the 
lady's  husband,  who  had  conie  to  the  rescue,  was  glad  to  let  it 
escape  by  the  window.'  The  ourang-outang  of  the  Rue  Morgue 
makes  a  similar  though  more  fatal  attack  when  it  is  discovered  in  a 
lady's  bedroom  there  and  effects  its  escape  by  the  same  means.  It 
is,  of  course,  possible  that  Poe  may  never  have  come  across  this 
episode ;  but  it  seems  something  more  than  probable  that  he  did. 
Anyhow  the  coincidence  is  singular. 

"W.  F.  Waller." 

Whether  Poe  was  actually  indebted  to  this  incident  can- 
not be  determined.  Such  question  as  has  been  made  of 
his  originality  in  invention  is  of  the  sort  illustrated  by  the 
several  instances  given  above,  and  is  essentially  slight. 
His  plots,  if  they  can  be  so  termed,  are  too  simple  and 
common  to  be  plagiarisms,  and  his  originality  lay  rather  in 
his  method  and  his  power  of  word  than  in  creation. 

G.  E.  W. 


207 


END   OF  VOL.    IV. 


THIS  EDITION  OF  THE  WORKS  OF  EDGAR 
ALLAN  POE  WAS  PRINTED  FOR  STONE  AND 
KIMBALL  BY  JOHN  WILSON  AND  SON,  AT 
THE  UNIVERSITY  PRESS,  CAMBRIDGE,  MASS. 


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